How to Cook 
 
 "ADD A LITTLE SUGAR." 
 
 Husbands
 
 They are really delicious 
 -when properly treated" 
 
 How To Cook 
 Husbands 
 
 % .:'' 
 
 By ELIZABETH STRONG WORTHINGTON 
 
 Author of "The 
 Little Brown Dog" 
 "The Biddy Club" 
 
 Published at 220 East 23rd St., New York 
 by the Dodge Publishing Company
 
 COPYRIGHT IN THE YEAR 
 EIGHTEEN HUNDRED AND 
 NINETY-EIGHT BY DODGE 
 STATIONERY COMPANY
 
 PS 
 
 Dedication 
 
 To a dear little girl who will some 
 day, I hope, be skilled in all branches 
 of matrimonial cookery.
 
 I 
 
 A WHILE ago I came across a news- 
 paper clipping a recipe written by a Bal- 
 timore lady that had long lain dormant 
 in my desk. It ran as follows : 
 
 "A great many husbands are spoiled by 
 mismanagement. Some women go about 
 it as if their husbands were bladders, and 
 blow them up ; others keep them constantly 
 in hot water; others let them freeze, by 
 their carelessness and indifference. Some 
 keep them in a stew, by irritating ways and 
 words ; others roast them ; some keep them 
 in pickle all their lives. Now it is not to 
 be supposed that any husband will be good, 
 managed in this way turnips wouldn't;
 
 10 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 onions wouldn't ; cabbage-heads wouldn't, 
 and husbands won't; but they are really 
 delicious when properly treated. 
 
 ''In selecting your husband you should 
 not be guided by the silvery appearance, 
 as in buying mackerel, or by the golden 
 tint, as if you wanted salmon. Be sure to 
 select him yourself, as taste differs. And 
 by the way, don't go to market for him, 
 as the best are always brought to your 
 door. 
 
 "It is far betfer to have none, unless 
 you patiently learn to cook him. A pre- 
 serving kettle of the finest porcelain is the 
 best, but if you have nothing but an 
 earthenware pipkin, it will do, with care. 
 
 "See that the linen, in Avhich you wrap 
 him, is nicely washed and mended, with 
 the required amount of buttons and strings, 
 nicely sewed on. Tie him in the kettle 
 with a strong cord called Comfort, as the 
 one called Duty is apt to be weak. They 
 sometimes fly out of the kettle, and become 
 burned and crusty on the edges, since, like
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 11 
 
 crabs and oysters, you have to cook them 
 alive. 
 
 "Make a clear, strong, steady fire out of 
 Love, Neatness, and Cheerfulness. Set 
 him as near this as seems to agree with him. 
 If he sputters and fizzles, don't be anxious ; 
 some husbands do this till they are quite 
 done. Add a little sugar, in the form of 
 what confectioners call Kisses, but no vine- 
 gar or pepper on any account. A little 
 spice improves them, Ipnt it must be used 
 with judgment. 
 
 "Don't stick any sharp instrument into 
 him, to see if he is becoming tender. .Stir 
 him gently; watching the while lest he 
 should lie too close to the kettle, and so be- 
 come inert and useless. 
 
 "You cannot fail to know when he is 
 done. If thus treated, you will find him 
 very digestible, agreeing nicely with you 
 and the children. " 
 
 "So. they are better cooked," I said to 
 myself, "that is why we hear of such 
 numbers of cases of marital indigestion
 
 12 How To Cook Husbands, 
 
 the husbands are served raw fresh un- 
 prepared. " 
 
 "They are really delicious when properly 
 treated," I wonder if that is so. 
 
 But I must pause here to tell you a bit 
 about myself. I am not an old maid, but, 
 at the time this occurs, I am unmarried, 
 and I am thirty-four years old not 
 quite beyond the pale of hope. Men and 
 women never do pass beyond that not 
 those of sanguine temperament at any rate. 
 I am neither rich nor poor, but repose in a 
 comfortable stratum betwixt and between. 
 I keep house, or rather it keeps me, and a 
 respectable woman who, with her hus- 
 band, manages my domestic affairs, lends 
 the odor of sanctity and propriety to my 
 single existence. I am of medium height, 
 between blond and brunette, and am said to 
 have a modicum of both brains and good 
 looks. 
 
 The recipe I read set me a-thinking. 
 I was in my library, before a big log fire. 
 The room was comfortable; glowing with
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 13 
 
 rich, warm firelight at that moment, but 
 it was lonesome, and I was lonely. 
 
 Supposing, I said to myself, I really had 
 a husband ; how should I cook him? 
 
 The words of an old lady came into my 
 mind. She had listened to this particular 
 recipe, and after a moment's silence had 
 leaned over, and whispered in my ear : 
 
 "First catch your fish." 
 
 But supposing he were now caught, and 
 seated in that rocker across from me, be- 
 fore this blazing fire. 
 
 I walked to the window to one side of 
 me lives a little thrush, at least she is trim 
 and comely, and always dresses in brown. 
 Just now she is without her door, stooping 
 over her baby, who is sitting like a tiny 
 queen in her chariot, just returned from 
 an airing. 
 
 It isn't the question of husband alone 
 he might be managed roasted, stewed, or 
 parboiled, but it's the whole family a 
 household. Take the children, for in- 
 stance ; if they could be set up on shelves in
 
 14 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 glass cases, as fast as they came, all might 
 be well, but they will run around, and 
 Heaven only knows what they will run 
 into. Why, had I children, I should plug 
 both ears with cotton, for fear I should 
 hear the door-bell. I know it would ring 
 constantly, and such messages as these 
 would be hurled in : 
 
 "Several of them have been arrested for 
 blowing up the neighbors with dynamite 
 firecrackers. " 
 
 "Half a dozen of them have tumbled from 
 off the roof of the house. They escaped 
 injury, but have thrown a nervous lady, 
 over the way, into spasms." 
 
 "One or two of them have just been 
 dragged from beneath the electric cars. 
 They seem to be as well as ever, but three 
 of the passengers died of fright. " 
 
 Just think of that! What should Idol-- 
 Keep an extra maid to answer the bell, 
 I suppose, and two or three thousand dol- 
 lars by me continually, to pay damages. 
 What a time poor Job had of it answer-
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 15 
 
 ing his door bell, and how very unpleasant 
 it must have been to receive so many pieces 
 of news of that sort, in one morning! 
 
 Clearly I am better off in my childless 
 condition, and yet 
 
 Little Mrs. Thrush is just kissing her 
 soft, round-faced cherub. I wish she 
 would do that out of sight. 
 
 Now as to husbands again, if I had one, 
 what should I do with him? 
 
 I might say, Sit down. 
 
 Supposing he wouldn't. What then? 
 
 Cudgels are out of date. Were he an 
 alderman, I might take a Woman's Club 
 to him, but a husband has been known to 
 laugh this instrument to scorn. 
 
 But supposing he sat down. What 
 then? He might be a gentleman of irasci- 
 ble, nasty temper, and in walking about 
 my room, I might step on his feet. These 
 irritable folk have such large feet, at least 
 they are always in the way, and always 
 being stepped on no matter how careful 
 one tries to be.
 
 16 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 What then? 
 
 I decline to cpnt :mplat the scene. 
 
 Plainly I am better off bingle. 
 
 I walk to my front window, and stretch 
 my arms above my head. There is a 
 light fall of snow upon the ground. This 
 late snow is trying: in its season, it is 
 beautiful ; but out of season, it breeds a 
 sheerlessness that' emphasises one's loneli- 
 ness. I look out through the leafless trees 
 toward the lake, but it is hidden by the 
 whirling, eddying snowflakes. I see Mr. 
 Thrush hurrying home to his little nest. 
 
 ''Yes," I say to myself, repeating my 
 last thought with a certain obstinacy, 
 "yes, I am better off without a husband, 
 and yet I wish I had one one would an- 
 swer, on a pinch one at a time, at least. 
 A husband is like a world in that respect ; 
 one at a time, is the proper proportion. " 
 
 "It's far better to have none, unless you 
 learn to cook him." These words re- 
 curred to me, just as I was on the point of 
 taking a life partner, in a figurative sense.
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 17 
 
 The woman that deliberates is lost; con- 
 sequently, as it won't do to think the mat- 
 ter over, I plunge in. 
 
 My spouse is now pacing up and down 
 the room in a rampant manner, complain- 
 ing of his dinner, the world in general, 
 and me in particular. 
 
 What am I to do? 
 
 Charles Reade has written a recipe that 
 applies. very well just here. It is briefly 
 
 "Put yourself in his place." 
 
 I could not have done this a few years 
 ago, but now I can. Never, until I under- 
 took the management of my business 
 affairs never until I had some knowledge 
 of business cares and anxieties, the weight 
 of notes falling due; the charge of busi- 
 ness honor to keep; the excited hope of 
 fortunate prospects; and the depression 
 following hard upon failure and disap- 
 pointment never until I learned all this, 
 did I realize what home should mean to a 
 man, and how far wide of the mark many
 
 18 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 women shoot, when they aim to establish 
 a restful retreat for their husbands. 
 
 I have returned to my domicile, after a 
 fatiguing day up town, with a feeling of 
 exhaustion that lies far deeper than the 
 mere physical structure a spent feeling 
 as if I have given my all, and must be re- 
 plenished before I can make another 
 move. I once had a housekeeper whose 
 very face I dreaded at such times. She 
 always took advantage of my silence and 
 my limp condition, to relate the day's dis- 
 asters. She had no knowledge of what a 
 good dinner meant, and no tact in falling 
 in with my tastes or needs. On the con- 
 trary, if there was a dish I disliked, it was 
 sure to appear on those most weary even- 
 ings. In brief, from the very moment I 
 reached home, she did nothing but brush 
 my fur up, instead of down, and I did 
 nothing but spit at her. 
 
 Now, many women are like this house- 
 keeper. I wonder their husbands don't 
 slay them. If you would look out in my
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 19 
 
 back yard, I fear you would see the bones 
 of several of these tactless, exasperating 
 housekeepers, bleaching in the wind and 
 rain. 
 
 I marvel that other back yards are not 
 filled with the bones of stupid, tactless, 
 irritating wives. The fact that no such 
 horror has as yet been unearthed, bears 
 eloquent testimony to the noble self-control 
 and patience of many of the sterner sex. 
 
 "Oh, that sounds well," said my neigh- 
 bor, over the way, "but then you forget 
 we women have our trials too. " 
 
 "Is it going to diminish those trials to 
 make a raging lion out of your husband?/ 
 
 *'No, but he ought to understand that 
 we are tired, and that our work is hard. " 
 
 "Certainly," I said, "by all means; and 
 by the time he thoroughly understands, 
 you generally have occasion to be still 
 more tired." 
 
 "Well, what would you do?" 
 
 "I'll tell you what I'd do; follow the 
 advice of a sensible little friend of mine,
 
 20 How To Cook Husbands, 
 
 who has four children all of an age, and 
 has incompetent service to rely on, when 
 she has any at all. " 
 
 "And what is that, pray?" 
 
 "She says that come rain, hail, or fiery 
 vapor, she takes a nap every day." 
 
 "I don't know how she manages it ; I 
 can't, and I have one less child than she, 
 and a fairly good maid." 
 
 "Her children are trained, as children 
 should be; the three younger ones take 
 long naps after luncheon, and while they 
 are sleeping, she gives the oldest child 
 some picture book to look at, and simple 
 stories to read, and she herself goes to 
 sleep in the same room with him. The 
 little fellow keeps as still as a mouse. " 
 
 "I think that is a cruel shame." 
 
 "So do I. It would be far kinder if she 
 let him have his liberty, and stayed up to 
 take care of him, and then became so tired 
 out that, by the time her husband came 
 home she would be unable to keep her 
 mouth (closed for it is only a well rested
 
 How To Cook Husbands* 21 
 
 woman who can maintain a cheerful 
 silence), and avoid a family quarrel." 
 
 "No, I think it's better not to quarrel, 
 but I can't take a nap, and often I'm so 
 tired when Fred comes home, that, if he 
 happens to be tired too, it's just like put- 
 ting fire to gunpowder. " 
 
 I knew that, for I had heard the explo- 
 sions from across the street. You know 
 in our climate, in the summer, people 
 practically live in the street, with every 
 window and door open; your neighbor has 
 full possession of all remarks above E. 
 And most of Mr. and Mrs. Purblind's 
 notes on the tired nights, are above E. 
 
 I have no patience with that woman, 
 anyhow. She hasn't 4he first idea of com- 
 fort and good cheer. Her rooms are al- 
 ways in disorder, and there is no sugges- 
 tion of harmony in the furniture (on the 
 contrary every article seems, as the French 
 say), to be swearing at every other article; 
 all her lights are high why, I've run in 
 there of an evening and found that man
 
 22 How To Cook Husbands, 
 
 wandering around like an uneasy ghost, 
 trying to find some easy spot in which he 
 could sit down, and read his paper com- 
 fortably. He didn't know what was the 
 matter the poor wretches don't, but he 
 was like a cat on an unswept hearth. 
 
 In contrast to this woman's stupidity, 
 I have the natural loveliness of the little 
 brown thrush, on my one side, and the 
 hoary-headed wisdom of Mrs. Owl, on my 
 other side. 
 
 Look at the latter a moment. Not 
 worth looking at, you say; angular, with- 
 out beauty of form or feature. Nothing 
 but the humorous curve to her lips, and 
 the twinkle in her eye, to attract one; 
 nothing, unless it were a general air of 
 neatness, intelligence, and good humor. 
 
 But I assure you that woman's worth 
 living with if she is not worth looking at ! 
 
 Now her spouse is one of those lowering 
 fellows, the kind that seems to be at outs 
 with mankind. Just the material to be- 
 come sulky in any but the most skillful
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 23 
 
 hands, the sort to degenerate into a posi- 
 tive brute, in such blundering hands as 
 Mrs. Purblind's over the way. 
 
 I had a chance to watch this man one 
 evening last summer. Having no domestic 
 affairs of my own, as a matter of course I 
 feel myself entitled to share my neighbors'. 
 And this particular evening I was lonely. 
 It was a nasty night, the fog blown in from 
 the lake slapped one rudely in the face 
 every time one looked out, and the air was 
 as raw as a new wound it went clear to 
 the bone. 
 
 Now on such a night as this I have 
 known Mrs. Purblind to serve her lord 
 cold veal and lettuce, simple because it was 
 July, and a suitable time for heat. And 
 I assure you that sufficient heat was gen- 
 erated before this cold supper was con- 
 sumed. But to return to Mrs. Owl, on 
 that particular night. I saw her watching 
 at door and window, for her partner was 
 late. I peeped into the parlor, and it was 
 as cosy and inviting as a glowing fire, a
 
 24 How To Cook Husbands, 
 
 shaded lamp, and a comfortable sofa 
 wheeled near the table, could make it. 
 
 By and by, he came glowering along. 
 What will she say, I asked myself. Will 
 it be: 
 
 "Oh, how late you are! What's the 
 matter? What kept you? Well, come in, 
 you must be cold. Lie down on the sofa 
 while I get supper, but don't put your feet 
 up till I get a paper for them to rest on." 
 
 All this would have answered well 
 enough with a decent sort of a man, but 
 this homo required peculiar treatment. 
 
 It was what she didn't say that was 
 most remarkable. 
 
 After a cheerful "How-de-do" she didn't 
 speak a word for some time, but walked 
 into the house humming a lively air, and 
 busied herself with his supper. She didn't 
 set this in the dining room, but right be- 
 fore that open fire. Without any fuss or 
 commotion she broiled a piece of steak 
 over those glowing coals, while over her 
 big lamp she made a cup of coffee, and in
 
 How To Cook Husbands, 25 
 
 her chafing dish prepared some creamed 
 potatoes. She had bread and butter ready, 
 and some little dessert, and so with a wave 
 of a fairy wand, as it seemed, there was 
 the cosiest, most tempting little supper you 
 ever saw on the table at his side. 
 
 Meanwhile he had found the sofa, 
 the fire, and the lamp, and was reading 
 his paper. He threw the latter down 
 when supper was announced, and she 
 joined him at the table ; poured his coffee, 
 ate a bit now and then for company, 
 and talked why, how that woman did 
 talk ! I couldn't hear a word that she said, 
 but I knew by the expression of her face it 
 was humorous; and laugh, how she 
 laughed ! and erelong he joined in why, 
 once he leaned back, and actually ha- 
 haed. 
 
 When supper was over, she left him to 
 his paper again, while she cleared every- 
 thing away. Later on she joined him, 
 and the next I knew they were playing 
 chess, and still later, talking and reading 
 aloud.
 
 26 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 This is but a sample of her life with him 
 in everything she consults his mood, his 
 comfort, his tastes. She never jars him 
 never rubs him the wrong way, and mean- 
 while she has all she wants, for she can do 
 anything with him, and he thinks the sun 
 rises and sets with her. 
 
 It is a good cook that makes an appetiz- 
 ing dish out of poor material, and when a 
 woman makes a delicious husband out of 
 little or nothing she may rank as a chef.
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 27 
 
 n 
 
 You may say all I have been describing 
 belongs more properly to little Mrs. 
 Thrush, on my right. Bless you! that 
 woman doesn't have to think and plan to 
 make things comfortable. Were she set 
 down in the desert of Sahara, she would 
 sweep it up, spread a rug; hang a few 
 draperies, and lo ! it would be cosy and 
 home-like. She can't help being and doing 
 just right, wherever she is put, and her 
 husband is just like her, as good as gold. 
 Why, that man would bore a woman of 
 ingenuity a woman who had a genius for 
 contriving and managing. He doesn't 
 need any cooking; he's ready to serve just
 
 28 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 as he is, couldn't be improved. There's 
 absolutely nothing to be done. Mrs. Owl 
 would get a divorce from him inside of a 
 month, on the ground of insipidity. Her 
 fine capabilities for making much out of 
 nothing, would turn saffron for lack of 
 use. Mr. Owl is the mate for her. To 
 every man according to his taste; to every 
 woman according to her need. 
 
 I am lying in the hammock, under the 
 soft maple tree in my side yard, speculat- 
 ing on all these matters. Summer is now 
 upon us, for we are in the midst of June. 
 Yesterday was one of Lowell's rare days, 
 but this morning the thermometer took 
 offense, and rose in fury. I can see the 
 quivering air as it radiates from the dusty, 
 sun-beaten road, and a certain drowsy 
 hum in the atmosphere, palpable only to 
 the trained ear, tells of the great heat. 
 Some of my neighbors are sitting on their 
 galleries, reading or sewing; some, like 
 myself, are lolling in hammocks ; even the 
 voices of the children have a certain monot-
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 29 
 
 onous tone, in harmony with the stupid 
 heaviness of the day. Only the birds and 
 squirrels show any life or spirit; theformer 
 are twittering above my head, courting, it 
 may be, or possibly discussing some detail 
 of household economy. They hop from 
 bough to bough, touch up their plumage, 
 and chirp in a cheerful, happy sort of 
 fashion, as if this was their especial 
 weather, as indeed it is. Up yonder tree, 
 a squirrel is racing about, in the exuber- 
 ance of his glee. He has done up his 
 work, no doubt, and now is off for a frolic. 
 I lie here, not a stone's throw from him. 
 watching his merry antics, and rejoicing 
 to think how free from fear he is, when all 
 at once the leaves of his tree are cut by a 
 flying missile, and the next second 1 see iu> 
 gay fellow tumble headlong from the 
 bough, and fall in a helpless little heap on 
 the grass. I start up in affright, and hear 
 a passing boy call out to another, over the 
 way, 
 
 "I brought him down, Jim."
 
 30 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 Involuntarily I clinch my hands. 
 
 "You little coward!" I exclaim, "it is 
 you who should be brought down ! You 
 are too mean to live. " 
 
 He laughs brutally, and goes on, whis- 
 tling indifferently, while I pick up the dead 
 squirrel lying at my feet. 
 
 I find myself crying, before I know it. 
 Not alone with pity for the squirrel ; some- 
 thing else is hurting me. 
 
 "Is this the masculine nature?" I ask 
 some one I don't know whom. 
 
 Perhaps it is one of those questions 
 which are flung upward, in a blind kind of 
 way, and which God sometimes catches 
 and answers. 
 
 "Are they made this way? Was it 
 meant that they should be brutal?" 
 
 I am still holding the squirrel and think- 
 ing, when I hear my name, and turning 
 see my neighbor over the way, Mrs. Pur- 
 blind's brother, standing near me. 
 
 "Good morning, Mr. Chance," I say, 
 rather coldly.
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 31 
 
 All men are hateful to me at that mo- 
 ment ; to my mind they all have that boy'g 
 nature, though they keep it under cover 
 until they know you well, or have you in 
 their power. 
 
 "The little fellow is dead, I suppose," 
 he said. 
 
 "Yes," I answer with a sob which I 
 turn away to conceal. I don't wish to ex- 
 cite his mirth. Of course he would only 
 see something laughable in my grief, and 
 he couldn't dream what I am thinking 
 about. 
 
 "You mustn't be too hard on the 'boy, 
 Miss Leigh, "he says quietly; "it was a 
 brutal act, but that same aggressiveness 
 will one day give him power to battle in 
 life against difficulties and temptations as 
 well. It will make him able to protect 
 those whom a kind Providence may put in 
 his charge. Just now he doesn't know 
 what to do with the force, and evidently 
 has not had good teaching. I'm sorry he 
 did this; it hurts me to see an innocent
 
 32 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 oreature harmed, and still more I am sorry 
 because it has hurt you. " 
 
 He is standing near me now, and as I 
 raise my eyes, I find him looking at me 
 with a sweet earnestness, that wins me not 
 only to forgive him for being a man, but 
 to feel that perhaps men are noble, after 
 all. 
 
 His look and tone linger with me long 
 after he has gone, as a cadence of music 
 may vibrate through the soul when both 
 musician and instrument are mute. 
 
 The day after this of which I have been 
 tolling, I went to a picnic gotten up by 
 Mrs. Purblind, for the entertainment and 
 delectation of Mr. Purblind's cousin, now 
 visiting her, a frivolous young thing, be- 
 tween whom and myself there was not 
 even the weather in common, for she 
 would label "simply horrid" a lovely gray 
 day, containing all sorts of possibilities for 
 the imagination behind its mists and 
 clouds. 
 
 "I didn't care for this picnic, and didn't
 
 jrfow To Cook Husbands. 33 
 
 see why I was invited as most of the 
 guests were younger than myself. But it 
 was one of those cases where a refusal 
 might be misconstrued, and so I went. 
 We sat around the white tablecloth en 
 masse, for dinner ; and in the course of the 
 passing of viands,' Miss Sprig was asked 
 to help herself to olives that happened to 
 be near her. 
 
 "Yes, do, while you have opportunity," 
 said Mrs. Purblind. 
 
 "I always embrace opportunity," replied 
 Miss Sprig with a simper. Whereat Mr. 
 Chance, sitting next her, suggested that, 
 as a synonym of opportunity, possibly he 
 might stand in its stead. 
 
 I detest such speeches, they are properly 
 termed soft, for they certainly are mushy 
 lacking in stamina fiber of any sort. 
 But I could have endured it, as I had en- 
 dured much else of the same sort that day, 
 had it not come from Mr. Chance. It 
 may be foolish of me, but his tone and Ins 
 words of the day before were still with
 
 34: How To Cook Husbands* 
 
 me. They were so dignified, so sensible, 
 so manly, that I respected and admired 
 him. Up to that time I had not felt that 
 I knew him, but after he spoke in that 
 way, it seemed as if we were acquainted. 
 Now I saw how utterly mistaken I had 
 been, and I was mortified and disgusted. 
 
 The silly little speech I have quoted 
 was not all, by any means; there were 
 more of the same kind, and actions that 
 corresponded. Evidently he was one of 
 those instruments which are played upon at 
 will by the passing zephyr. With a self- 
 respecting woman, he was manly ; with a 
 vapid, bold girl, he was silly and familiar. 
 I decided that I liked something more 
 stable, something that could be depended 
 upon. 
 
 I was placed in a difficult position just 
 then. Had I acted upon my impulse, I 
 should have risen and walked off such 
 conduct is an affront to womanhood, I 
 think ; but I was held in my place by a 
 fear foolish, yet grounded, that my action
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 35 
 
 would be regarded as an expression of 
 jealousy, the jealousy of an old maid, of a 
 woman much younger and prettier than 
 herself. This is hut one of the many in- 
 stances of the injustice of the world. I 
 don't think that I am addicted to jealousy, 
 but I may not know myself. Possibly I 
 might have felt jealous had I been eclipsed 
 by a beautiful or gifted woman, but it 
 would be impossible for me to experience 
 any such emotion on seeing a man with 
 whom I have but a slight acquaintance, 
 devote himself to a girl whom I should 
 regard as not only my mental inferior, but 
 also as beneath me morally and socially as 
 well. The only sensation of which I was 
 cognizant was a disgust toward the man, 
 and mortification over the mistaken esti- 
 mate of his character, that had led me, the 
 day before, to suppose him on a footing 
 with myself. , 
 
 As soon as possible after dinner I 
 slipped away for a stroll. The place was 
 very lovely, and I felt that if I could creep
 
 36 How To Cook Husbands, 
 
 off i nth Mother Nature, she would smooth 
 some cross-grained, fretful wrinkles that 
 were gathering in my mind, and were sad- 
 dening my soul. So when the folly and 
 jesting were at their height I dipped into 
 the thicket near at hand, and dodging here 
 and there, jumping fallen logs, and un- 
 tangling my way among the vines which 
 embraced the stern old woods like seduc- 
 tive sirens, I at last struck a shaded path, 
 which erelong led me down through a 
 ravine to the waters of the big old lake. 
 It too had dined, but instead of yielding 
 itself to folly, was taking its siesta. 
 Across its tranquil bosom the zephyrs 
 played, stirring ripples and tiny eddies, as 
 dreams may stir lights and shadows on the 
 sleeping face. 
 
 I had not walked along the beach, with 
 the waves sighing at my feet, and whis- 
 pering all sorts of soothing nothings, for a 
 great distance, before I began to experience 
 that uncomfortable reaction which some- 
 times arises from splitting in two, as it
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 37 
 
 were, standing off at a distance and look- 
 ing oneself in the face. I realized that I 
 had been something of a prig and consid- 
 erable of a Pharisee. My late discomfort 
 was not caused by the fact that a young 
 girl had cheapened herself, but by the fact 
 that a man had demeaned himself and in 
 a manner involved me, inasmuch as I had 
 been led the day before by a false estimate 
 of his character to regard him as my social 
 equal. After all it was this last that hurt 
 most; it was my little self and not my 
 brother about whom I was chiefly con- 
 cerned. 
 
 I am not naturally sentimental or mor- 
 bid, so I merely decided that internally I 
 had made a goose of myself and not shown 
 any surplus of nobility ; and with a little 
 sigh of satisfaction that I had given the 
 small world about me no sign of my folly, 
 I dismissed the subject and betook myself 
 to an eager enjoyment of the day. 
 
 The soft June breeze played with my 
 hair and gently and affectionately touched
 
 38 How To Cook Husbands* 
 
 my face ; the lake quivering and rippling 
 \vith passing emotions stretched away from 
 me toward that other shore which it kept 
 secreted somewhere on its farther side. 
 The very sight of it, with its shimmering 
 greens, turquoise blue, and tawny yellow, 
 cooled and soothed me, and ere I knew it, 
 I had slipped into a pleasant, active specu- 
 lation on matters of larger interest than 
 the petty subjects which had lined my 
 brow a moment before. I was walking 
 directly toward one of my families, and it 
 occurred to me that I might run in and 
 make a call, while I was near at hand. I 
 had first become interested in them at 
 church. I was impressed by their cleanli- 
 ness and regularity of attendance, and by 
 a certain judicious arrangement of their 
 children the parents always sitting so as 
 to separate the latter by their authority 
 and order. 
 
 Another point that claimed my atten- 
 tion was that the children, were changed 
 each Sunday a fresh three succeeding the
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 39 
 
 first bunch, and on the third Sunday, one 
 of the first three being added to a fresh 
 two, to make up the proper complement. 
 Both parents had a self-respecting, self- 
 sacrificing look, as of people who had 
 learned to help themselves cautiously from 
 the family dish, and to "put their knives 
 to their throats" before time; but kept alJ 
 this to themselves, asking nothing from 
 anyone, and making their little answer 
 without murmur or complaint. I had, 
 for some time, realized that the child who 
 was now getting more than his share of 
 sermons, by reappearing on the third Sun- 
 day, would soon be reduced to the level of 
 his brethren, and a new relative would 
 take the place which he had been filling as 
 a matter of accommodation. I sought 
 occasion to make the acquaintance of the 
 mother of this fine brood, on the pretext of 
 some church work, and after that became 
 a regular visitor at their little home. The 
 perfect equality of the parents; the defer- 
 ence with which they treated one another;
 
 40 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 and their quiet happiness, in spite of all 
 labor and privation, made me realize that 
 they might well extend a pitving thought 
 to some of the apparently wealthy mem- 
 bers of the church. We may yet live to 
 see the day when a new scale shall come in 
 vogue, and some Croesus who now stands 
 in an enviable light, shall then pass into his 
 true position, and become an object of pity. 
 Mere dollars and cents are a misleading 
 criterion of poverty and wealth. 
 
 I had seen my friends, and found that 
 the mother and her new nestling were in 
 comparative comfort, and I was on the 
 homeward stretch along the beach, when I 
 saw Mr. Chance walking toward me. 
 
 "I was commissioned to look you up," 
 he said. 
 
 "Thank you," I replied, "I have been 
 of age for some years. " 
 
 Of course he noticed the coolness in my 
 voice, and in some way I divined that he 
 knew the cause. 
 
 We went aboard our homeward-bound 
 train about 5 o'clock.
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 41 
 
 Mr. Chance helped me on, and evidently 
 expected to sit with me, but I thwarted 
 hiin by dropping down beside an elderly 
 lady, an acquaintance who happened to be 
 in that coach. I felt no grudge against 
 him, but I didn't care to have him pass 
 from such a girl as Miss Sprig to me ; his 
 conduct with her impaired his value some- 
 what in my eyes. My elderly friend saw 
 and recognized tlie situation, I am sure, 
 and governed her later remarks accord- 
 ingly. 
 
 Mr. Chance passed on, and took a seat 
 with one of the superfluous men, for con- 
 trary to the rule on most such occasions, 
 the male gender was in excess of the 
 female. I had not expected him to return 
 to Miss Sprig ; men always become satiated 
 with such girls, soon or late. 
 
 My elderly acquaintance entered upon 
 an animated conversation, that became 
 more and more personal, and finally 
 reached a climax when she leaned over, 
 and said in a semi -whisper :
 
 42 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 "My dear Miss Leigh, you ought to 
 marry. " 
 
 I had been told this a number of times; 
 any one would suppose, to listen to some 
 of these women, that I had but to put out 
 my hand, and pluck a man from the near- 
 est bush. 
 
 "I don't doubt you will marry some day, 
 but I'm afraid you may not choose wisely" 
 here she lowered her voice again "after 
 a man reaches thirty-five he becomes very 
 fixed in his ways, and I don't think it's 
 safe for a maiden lady to try to manage 
 him; it needs some one of more experi- 
 ence." 
 
 I knew she had Mr. Chance in mind, 
 and I was so indignant at being warned 
 against a man who had never shown the 
 first symptom of any such folly as address- 
 ing me, that the blood mounted to my 
 hair. 
 
 Observing this, my elderly companion 
 whispered : 
 
 "I wasn't thinking of any one, in partic-
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 43 
 
 ular, my dear;" upon which I grew more 
 enraged, and the color in my face deepened 
 until I must have resembled an irate old 
 turkey gobbler "not of any one in par- 
 ticular, my dear; but on general principles, 
 I shouldn't advise such a match. A. widower 
 would be just the thing for you, and there 
 always are widowers, and every year the 
 list grows death makes inroads, you 
 know." 
 
 This idea, this hope of a second crop, as 
 I had passed beyond the first picking, was 
 comforting. I knew perfectly well whom 
 she had in mind for me a nice fat little 
 widower, about fifty years old, who had 
 been held on the marital spit, until he was 
 done to a turn.
 
 44 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 Ill 
 
 THE summer was ended, and I was not 
 married. I am speaking now from the 
 standpoint of my neighbors ; to my mind 
 life did not swing on this hinge. I had 
 my occupations there were a goodly num- 
 ber of needy folk to be looked after ; there 
 was my reading ; my music ; my friends, 
 and other pleasures, and altogether I felt I 
 was very well off. Not that I was cynic- 
 ally opposed to marriage; I intended to 
 marry, if the right man called, but if he 
 did not I was content to end life as I had 
 begun it in single blessedness. 
 
 My neighbors, however, were of another 
 mind I must marry ; and they kept mak-
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 45 
 
 ing efforts to find some one who would 
 fit, trying on one man after another, with- 
 out his consent or mine, something as one 
 would attempt to force clothes on a savage. 
 
 But in spite of all such friendly offices 
 the summer was ended, and I was not 
 married. I was thinking of it on this par- 
 ticular day, as I stood gazing from the 
 window thinking of it with a sort of 
 quiet wonder, for with an entire neighbor- 
 hood intent upon this end, it was rather 
 surprising that I was not double by this 
 time. Had they succeeded I should now 
 occupy a very different attitude. It is 
 only old bachelors and old maids who 
 speculate and theorize on marriage ; when 
 people are really about it, they say little, 
 and (it would often appear) think less. 
 
 It was a day for speculation this par 
 ticular one ; the dead leaves were scurry- 
 ing up the street as people ran for a 
 train ; a gusty wind was carrying all be- 
 fore it for the time being, like an overbear- 
 ing debater. The trees shook and groaned,
 
 46 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 recoiled and shuddered, like human crea- 
 tures in the hlast ; in their agitation drop- 
 ping hosts of leaves that immediately 
 slipped under covert, or else joined their 
 fellows in the race up town. The sky was 
 non-committal, and the lake looked dark 
 and secretive, as if it meditated wreck and 
 disaster. 
 
 It was only the middle of September, 
 but there had been several of these days a 
 hint, perchance, of what was to come by 
 and by, as a gay waltz strain sometimes 
 dips into real life, and makes one look in- 
 ward for a moment. 
 
 The house did not invite me just at this 
 time, and the elements did ; at least I felt 
 that rising within me which tempted me 
 forth to have a bout with them. 
 
 I was walking at a goodly pace along 
 the Boulevard- for I love the lake in 
 all its moods when two men with anxious 
 faces overtook, and hurried past me. 
 
 "There's been a wreck, miss," one of 
 them a man I knew called back.
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 47 
 
 I quickened my pace, trying to peer 
 through the sullen fog, as I ran. The 
 occasional dull boom of a gun called 
 "Help," from out the grayness, with 
 pathetic persistency. Soon another sound 
 caught my ear, or rather vibrated through 
 my frame, for the ground beneath me 
 seemed to tremble, and I turned to see the 
 swift oncoming of the life-saving crew 
 from a station below us. 
 
 I had barely time to jump one side, be- 
 fore the huge wagon, bearing the boat and 
 its men, swept past me, every one of those 
 splendid horses with his head lowered, and 
 his fine muscles set for the race. 
 
 It was all done with the celerity and 
 ease with which things are accomplished 
 in dreams. The sudden halting of the big 
 wagon; the swinging of the boat to the 
 ground; the swift donning of the yellow 
 oilskin suits by the crew ; the launch, and 
 before one had time to wink, the strong 
 strokes in perfect time, that bore the boat 
 up and down, and up again, on those 
 tumultuous waves.
 
 48 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 There were other spectators beside my- 
 self, standing with strained sight and 
 hearing, and throbbing hearts, upon the 
 strip of beach. And there were other 
 workers beside the crew. I had thought 
 we were a small community out there in 
 the little suburb, and I gazed with wonder 
 that morning at the crowd which seemed 
 to have dropped from the sky, or come up 
 from below. 
 
 The men were chiefly from the middle 
 and laboring classes, for the others go in 
 on early trains, but Randolph Chance was 
 there, his newspaper work giving him his 
 mornings. We spoke to one another, but 
 entered into no conversation. My thought 
 was with the doomed ship, and so was 
 his. 
 
 "Will any of you boys join me in taking 
 off some of those people?" he asked the 
 men at hand. 
 
 "It's a rough sea, Mr. Chance." 
 
 "I know it, but I understand boating; 
 1 guess we can manage it."
 
 How To Cook Husbands, 49 
 
 "Don't you think the life-saving crew 
 can do the work?" I asked. 
 
 "No," he answered shortly, "there won't 
 be time for them to make enough trips. 
 Come, boys, here she goes ! Jump in, a half 
 dozen of you that can pull oars." 
 
 There were boats enough, and soon 
 there were men enough, for the human 
 heart is kind and brave, and under a good 
 leader men will walk up to Death himself 
 without flinching. 
 
 Randolph Chance was big and strong, 
 alert, and self controlled a good leader. 
 I realized all this just now, as I had not 
 before, and I thought how strange it was 
 that so much goodness should be bound up 
 with so much folly. It was the old story 
 of the wheat and the tares ; and I said : 
 "An enemy hath done this," and then I 
 thought of Miss Sprig. 
 
 I don't like to dwell on that morning; 
 the experience was new to me, and I can't 
 forget it ; I can't rid myself of the sound 
 of those shrieks when the ship went down.
 
 50 How To Cook Husbands, 
 
 She struggled like a human creature under 
 a sudden blow rocked, tottered, quivered, 
 and then collapsed. 
 
 The little boats made five trips and 
 brought ashore almost all the passengers 
 and crew all but one woman, and a little 
 child. 
 
 I was one of the many who received the 
 chilled and frightened victims of the storm, 
 and indeed, as soon as we were able to dis- 
 pose of the more delicate and needy ones, 
 we turned our thought to the brave crews 
 of the little boats, for their exertions had 
 been almost superhuman, and they were 
 wellnigh exhausted. 
 
 I bent over Randolph Chance, and 
 begged him to take a little brandy some 
 one had brought. 
 
 "Give it to the women," he said feebly. 
 
 "They are all cared for; I'm going to 
 look out for you now, Mr. Chance." 
 
 "I wouldn't feel so done up," he said, 
 "if it weren't for that woman. She 
 begged me to save her, and she had a little 
 child in her arms, " and his voice broke.
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 51 
 
 "You mustn't think of her," I said, 
 "you did all you could." 
 
 "Yes, I did my hest to reach her, but 
 before I could get there, she went down. 
 I can never forget her face. Oh, at such 
 a time a fellow can't help wishing he were 
 just a little quicker, and just a little 
 stronger." 
 
 He had risen from the beach where he 
 had flung himself or fallen, on leaving the 
 boat, but he fell again. I could plainly 
 see that the exhaustion from which he 
 suffered was due as much to mental dis- 
 tress as to physical effort, and I thought 
 no less of him for that. 
 
 He was finally prevailed upon to get into 
 the wagon which had brought the life-sav- 
 ing crew, and which was now loaded down 
 with the other boatmen, and many of the 
 passengers from the wreck, and so, he was 
 taken home. And I walked back alone, 
 with a queer little feeling somewhere in 
 the region of my heart. 
 
 Man, after all, is a harp, I said to my-
 
 52 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 self ; a good player the right woman can 
 draw forth wonderful music, but the 
 wrong woman will call out nothing but 
 discords. 
 
 Materials don't count for everything; 
 there's a deal in the cooking. 
 
 I was on my way home, when I met 
 two of my neighbors hurrying toward the 
 scene Mr. and Mrs. Daemon. 
 
 "You're too late," I said, "it's all over." 
 
 "I only heard of it a little while ago ;" 
 said Mrs. Daemon; "I was in the city, and 
 I met Mr. Daemon who had just been told 
 there was a wreck off this shore, and was 
 coming out to see it, so we both took the 
 first train." 
 
 They hurried on, wishing to see what 
 they could, and 1 walked homeward. 
 
 Their appearance had slipped into my 
 reflections as neatly as a good illustration 
 slips into a discourse. I must tell you 
 their story, and then see if you dare say 
 man is not a harp, and woman not a 
 harpist.
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 53 
 
 Years ago, when I was a child, I used 
 to see my mother wax indignant over the 
 wrongs inflicted upon one of her neighbors 
 a gentle little woman whose backbone 
 evidently needed restarching. She was 
 the mother of three children, and should 
 have been a most happy wife, for her tastes 
 were domestic her devotion to her family 
 unbounded. Unhappily, she was wedded 
 to a man of overbearing, tyrannical tem- 
 per one of those ugly natures in which 
 meanness is generated by devotion. The 
 more he realized his power over his poor 
 little wife, the more he bullied her, and 
 beneath this treatment she faded, day by 
 day, until finally she closed her tired, 
 pathetic eyes forever. My mother used to 
 say she had no doubt the man was over- 
 whelmed by her death, and would have 
 suffered from remorse, but for the injudi- 
 cious zeal of some of the neighbors, who 
 were so wrought up by this culmination of 
 years of injustice and cruelty, that they 
 attacked him fore and aft, as it were,
 
 54 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 creating a scandalous scene over the little 
 woman's remains, accusing him of being 
 her murderer, and assigning him to the 
 warmest quarters in the nether world. 
 As a result of this outbreak of public opin- 
 ion the man hardened, and assumed a de- 
 fiant attitude which he continued to main- 
 tain toward the neighbors for some years. 
 In the midst of all this furor, the sister of 
 the departed wife walked calm and still. 
 The power of the silent woman has often 
 been dwelt upon, but I really do not think 
 that half enough has been said, although I 
 am aware of committing an absurdity 
 when I recommend voluble speech on the 
 subject of silence. Jesting and paradoxes 
 aside, however, the silent woman wields a 
 power known only to the man toward 
 whom her silence is directed. 
 
 In this particular case the power was all 
 for the best. Erelong the sister-in-law 
 obtained such mastery over the forlorn 
 household that she held not only the fate 
 of the little ones, but that of the father as 
 well, in the hollow of her hand.
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 55 
 
 Two years slipped by, and then the 
 neighborhood that had dozed off, as it 
 were, awoke to hear that the sister was 
 going to marry that awful man. 
 
 At once the vigilance committee arose, 
 and took the case in hand. 
 
 "It can't be possible," it cried to the 
 woman. 
 
 "Yes, it is true," she said. 
 
 "Why, don't you know that he killed 
 y r our sister?" 
 
 "I know he did." 
 
 "And you are going to marry him, in 
 face of that?" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 "Well, he'll kill you." 
 
 "Oh, no, he won't kill me" there was a 
 peculiar light in her eyes that puzzled them. 
 
 "What can you want to marry such a 
 man for?" they cried, coming back to the 
 original question. 
 
 "To keep the children. If I don't marry 
 him, some one else will, and those children 
 will go out of my hands."
 
 56 How To Cook Htts bands. 
 
 Her devotion to the motherless brood 
 had been past praise. There was nothing 
 more to be said, and if there had been it 
 would have availed nothing, for the sister 
 had a mind of her own. She was one of 
 those handsome women, who walk this 
 earth like queens, and to whom lesser folk 
 defer. 
 
 She married, and lo ! the neighborhood 
 was agog once more, for strange stories 
 came floating from out that handsome 
 house, and it appeared for a time that in- 
 stead of his killing her she was like to kill 
 him. 
 
 I remember one tale in particular, which 
 my mother who, by the way, was no gos- 
 sip, and was as peaceable as a barnyard 
 fowl, was in the habit of rehearsing before 
 a chosen few, occasionally, with a quiet 
 relish that was amusing, considering the 
 fact that ordinarily any comment on her 
 neighbors' affairs, was alien to her. It ap- 
 peared that after a short wedding trip, 
 during which the bridegroom had several
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 57 
 
 times shown the cloven foot, the couple 
 returned to their domicile. Probably the 
 maids who had lived there for some years 
 and were devoted to the new wife, had 
 been warned of what was coming. At all 
 events, they accepted everything as a mat- 
 ter of course. 
 
 Upon the evening of the married pair's 
 return, a handsome dinner was served. 
 The train was a trifle behind time; the 
 day had been cold, and several other unto- 
 ward circumstances had conspired to let 
 loose the bridegroom's natural depravity. 
 An overdone roast served to touch off this 
 inflammable material. 
 
 " these servants! "he exclaimed; "I'll 
 
 kick every one of them through the front 
 window! Look at that roast!" 
 
 The doors being now open, a perfect 
 storm of ugly, evil tempers poured forth. 
 
 At such times as these it was the cus- 
 tom of wife number one to shiver, shrink, 
 implore weep, then take the offending 
 roast from the room, and replace it by
 
 58 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 something else which most likely was 
 hurled at her, in the end. 
 
 The present Mrs. Daemon neither shiv- 
 ered nor shrank. She knew what to ex- 
 pect when she married this man, and she 
 was ready. The guns were loaded and 
 aimed, and they went off, and presto ! the 
 enemy lay dead on the dining room floor. 
 
 Instead of a roast beef solo, there was a 
 duet, Mrs. Daemon's feminine soprano ris- 
 ing above her husband's masculine roar. 
 She agreed with what he said as to the dis- 
 position of the servants, only adding that 
 she intended to hang them all, before he 
 put them through the front window. 
 
 "To insult us during our honeymoon 
 with such a roast," she cried; "and look 
 at this gravy ! It's even worse !" 
 
 And with one swift stroke of her hand 
 she sent the gravy bowl flying from off 
 the table on to the handsome carpet. 
 
 "In Heaven's name, what are you 
 about?" he bawled. 
 
 "D you suppose I'd offer you such
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 59 
 
 gravy; it ought to be flung in their 
 faces." 
 
 He gasped and stammered ; thought of 
 the recent wedding and regretted it ; but 
 he was married now, and to an awful 
 shrew ! 
 
 Soon after dinner they repaired to the 
 drawing room. In turning from the fire- 
 place he stumbled against a large, elegant 
 vase. 
 
 "Confound that thing!" he exclaimed, 
 "I always did hate those vases that set on 
 the floor." 
 
 "So do I!" she chimed in, and putting 
 out her foot with an expressive jerk, she 
 kicked it over, and broke it into a hundred 
 fragments. 
 
 "Do you see what you've done?" he 
 cried, "have you forgotten that that vase 
 was a present from me?" 
 
 "No, I haven't, but we both hate it, and 
 what's the use of keeping it?" 
 
 This was but the beginning; from that 
 time on, let him but murmur against a
 
 60 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 dish, and it was flung on to the floor ; tor- 
 rents of abuse were poured upon the head 
 of a maid with whom he found fault; 
 some of the handsomest furniture in the 
 house was broken, the moment it gave 
 offense to him. In no vehemence was he 
 alone his wife's anathemas and abuse 
 joined and exceeded his, until he had 
 enough of it an overdose, in fact, and ere- 
 long he turned a corner came out of Hur- 
 ricane Gulch into Peaceful Lane, and he 
 hoped the latter would know no turning. 
 The servants whispered of times when he 
 would tell his wife of guests invited to the 
 house, and entreat her not to make a scene 
 while they were there. 
 
 Sixteen years have gone by, and this 
 woman is still above ground ; stranger still 
 the man is alive as well ; and strangest of 
 all, they are still under the same roof. 
 Indeed, if report and appearance are to be 
 trusted, Mr. Daemon is a model hus- 
 band, and Mrs. Daemon's sudden and 
 amazing temper has spent itself and left
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 61 
 
 her a person of spirit indeed, but in nowise 
 unamiable, and least of all, an ugly char- 
 acter. 
 
 No one who saw them walk past me, 
 arm in arm, that morning, on their way to 
 the wreck, would have dreamed of their 
 past. 
 
 Truly, man is a harp, and truly, woman 
 does the harping.
 
 62 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 IV 
 
 I HAVE been wandering about to-day 
 in an apparently aimless fashion, but in 
 reality "musing upon many things." Our 
 horror of shiftlessness, and our realization 
 of the responsibilities of life, and of the im- 
 portant work Providence has kept saving 
 up for us, or perhaps "growing up" for us, 
 like Dick Swiviller's future mate, is ex- 
 pressed in the fact that if we take an hour's 
 leisure, anywhere betwixt sunrise and sun- 
 set, we feel under bonds to explain the 
 matter not only to our own souls, but also 
 to those other souls who live adjacent, and 
 take an everlasting interest in ours. 
 
 Consequently, I told myself this day
 
 How To Cook Husbandso 63 
 
 that I was not well that I had been over- 
 doing, and that I had best "go easy for 
 a spell." After which concession to my 
 interior governor, I proceeded to apologize 
 to my neighbors ; to call my dogs not to 
 apologize to them, but to solicit their com- 
 pany and then to hie me away to the 
 lake, remembering to walk feebly as long 
 as I was in sight. 
 
 I didn't go down to the beach, but 
 plunged into the cool, comforting heart of 
 a ravine ; fathomed its depths, with a feel- 
 ing of delightful seclusion, and came out 
 on the thither side, to find myself in the 
 glowing October woods. 
 
 111? I never felt better in my life! 
 Good, rich streams of blood coursed 
 through my veins, and painted a warm 
 tint in my cheeks. At that moment I hope 
 I looked a trifle like Nature, who was in 
 the height of her being ; in a sort of tropi- 
 cal luxuriance, like a beautiful woman at 
 the very summit of maturity and perfec- 
 tion.
 
 64 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 I put out my hands toward a clump of 
 sumach I was not cold, but its brilliant 
 warmth Jured me as does a glowing fire. 
 It permeated my very being, and set my 
 soul a-throbbing. 
 
 There had been rain, and then warmth, 
 and October had caught all the prismatic 
 colors of the drops of water, and was giv- 
 ing them forth with Southern prodigality. 
 The birds bent over the swaying daisies, 
 and sang soft love-notes into their great, 
 dark eyes, while I looked on in an ecstasy 
 of wonder and delight the gokl of the 
 daisies, the gold of the sunlight, and the 
 glow in my heart, seeming in a way all 
 one part and parcel of the munificence 
 and cheering love of the Father. It is a 
 glorious world, and it is glorious to live 
 therein. The very air about me the air 
 I was breathing in, seemed to palpitate 
 color and brilliant beauty. 
 
 I talked to Duke about it, and he looked 
 around him with a certain air of admira- 
 tion depicted on his noble, fond old face.
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 65 
 
 Fanchon was frivolous, as usual, and 
 wanted to be running giddily about, hunt- 
 ing rabbits and the like ; but I made her sit 
 beside me, for it seemed a desecration 
 every time the October silence of those 
 woods was broken by aught save the 
 dropping of a ripened nut, or the whirr of 
 a homing bird. 
 
 It was at the close of this mellow day 
 that I sat in my library alone, before a 
 hickory fire. Alone, did I say? Nay, 
 Mrs. Simpson sat before me in the opposite 
 rocker. You could not have seen her, or 
 heard her, but she was there, and was 
 complaining of Mr. Simpson, saying he 
 rarely ever invited her to go anywhere; 
 and as she talked I recalled a certain 
 evening when I had been her guest in- 
 cluded in an invitation to attend a spec- 
 tacular entertainment given by the country 
 club, at a spot some distance from our 
 homes, and I said : 
 
 "Mrs. Simpson, I can offer you some re- 
 cipes which I warrant you will work in-
 
 66 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 fallibly; but they are like the recipe for 
 determining the interior condition of eggs, 
 which says, put them in water ; if they are 
 had they will either sink or swim I have 
 forgotten which. Now try this recipe I 
 am about to give you, and it will either 
 make Mr. Simpson unwilling to take a 
 step in the way of recreation without you, 
 or it will make him stalk forth by himself, 
 as lonely as a crocus in early March I 
 have forgotten which; but try it often 
 enough, and you will learn." 
 
 Recipe. 
 
 "Fail to be ready at the appointed time, 
 and keep him waiting until he is either 
 raging or sullen; cudgel or dragoon the 
 children until their tempers are well on 
 edge. Then complain of the gait taken by 
 Mr. Simpson in order to catch the train ; 
 declare frequently when aboard that you 
 are tired ouL, and. are sorry you came. 
 After you reach the place, re/nark every 
 now and then that you don ^ think the 
 entertainment amounts to much, and that
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 67 
 
 you do think it was a piece of extravagance 
 to have given such a price for tickets to so- 
 inferior an exhibition. Next, declare that 
 you feel a draft, and are catching your 
 'death of cold;' interlard all this with f re 
 quent directions to the children admoni- 
 tions and complaints, and derogatory re- 
 marks about Mr. Simpson's appearance, 
 and wonder oft-expressed and reiterated, 
 and put in the form of questions "which 
 you insist upon his answering, as to why 
 lie didn't wear his other suit of clothes. 
 Finally, wind up the whole affair, by wish 
 ing you were in bed, and announcing your 
 opinion that the trip didn't pay, and you 
 are sure it will make you and the children 
 ill. 
 
 "Try this faithfully, and it won't fail to 
 accomplish something decided." 
 
 One more recipe. 
 
 I was talking to Mrs. Purblind now; 
 Mrs. Simpson had had her fill, and gone 
 home; and Mrs. Purblind had taken her 
 place.
 
 68 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 You couldn't have seen her but that 
 doesn't matter. 
 
 Recipe. 
 
 "This is for making a man love to stay a + 
 home with you, and inducing him to be 
 cheerful and companionable, or for mak- 
 ing him flee your presence as one would 
 flee a plague-stricken city : I've forgotten 
 which, but you will soon discover, if you 
 try it persistently. 
 
 "Talk on disagreeable themes, talk per- 
 sistently and ceaselessly ; never let up ; the 
 more tired he may be the more steadily 
 you must talk, and the more irritating 
 your theme must be. Go to the gadfly ; 
 consider her ways and be wise. Buzz, 
 buzz, buzz; sting, sting, sting. 
 
 "On his worst nights, always select his 
 relatives for your theme ; harp upon their 
 faults ; their failures in life ; their humilia- 
 tions; the unpleasant things people say of 
 them. Then if he waxes irritable, express 
 surprise ; remind him how he used to talk 
 against these same relatives, and how
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 69 
 
 much trouble he gave them when he lived 
 at home; add that it's plain now that he 
 has combined with his relatives against 
 you, and that you should be surprised if 
 he and they didn't effect a separation. If 
 he is still in earshot, pass on to what he 
 once told you, beginning each remark 
 with: 
 
 "You said that 
 
 "And then proceed to point out wherein 
 and howin he has utterly failed to make 
 good his promises. Further, if he is still 
 in the house, enlarge upon the change you 
 have noted in his conduct toward you 
 how devoted he used to be, and how selfish 
 he has become. Next, tell him how well- 
 dressed other women are, and how little 
 you have on. 
 
 "By this time, if not sooner, he will re- 
 member that he has night work clamoring 
 for him at the office, or that his presence 
 at the club is absolutely necessary, and it 
 would be well for you to conclude your 
 remarks by observing that if he bangs the
 
 70 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 front door so hard every time he goes out, 
 he will loosen the hinges." 
 
 "Well now," said Mrs. Purhlind the 
 invisible Mrs. Purblind (she always would 
 listen to reason, which is more than could 
 be said for the visible creature of that 
 name), "well now, I know well enough 
 when I go on that way, that it isn't best 
 to do it; but the Evil One seems to enter 
 me, and I get going, and I couldn't stop 
 unless I bit my tongue off." 
 
 "Bite it then," I said, "and after that, 
 jump into the lake; were you once there, 
 your virtues would float, and your hus- 
 band would love them; but alive, your 
 virtues are beneath water, and your nag- 
 ging is always on top." 
 
 "But what is one to do? Supposing all 
 these things are true supposing you suffer 
 from all these wrongs. " 
 
 "Did you ever right a wrong by setting 
 it before your husband in this way, and 
 at these times?" 
 
 "No."
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 71 
 
 "Did you ever improve your condition?" 
 "No. But what would you do?" 
 "Shut up. Dip deep into silence. In 
 the first place, when you find you have 
 poor material, take extra care in the cook- 
 ing; study the art; use all the skill you 
 can acquire, and finally, if that won't do, 
 if it positively won't if you can't make a 
 decent dish out of him, open the kitchen 
 door, and heave him into the ash-barrel, 
 and the ash-man will cart him away. " 
 
 I have traveled a little in my life, and 
 have been entertained in various house- 
 holds. I have seen wives who deserve 
 crowns of laurel, to compensate for the 
 crown of thorns they have worn for years ; 
 but I have seen others, who had thorns 
 about them indeed, but they them- 
 selves were not on the sharp end. Some 
 of these stupid, ignorant women fancied 
 they were doing everything possible to 
 make home pleasant, and wondered at 
 their failure. There they sat, prodding 
 their husbands with hat-pins, and grieved 
 over the poor wretches' irritability.
 
 72 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 I recall a conversation I once overheard. 
 The husband arrived just at dinner time. 
 The wife heard him come in, and called to 
 him in a faint, dying voice, from the top 
 of the stairway 
 
 "George, is that you?" 
 
 The answer was spiritless. 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 The wife came downstairs. 
 
 "Well, then, we can have dinner. I 
 don't know that it's ready, though ; Bridget 
 has had a toothache all day, and she's just 
 good-for-nothing. " 
 
 All this in the same faded tone of 
 voice. 
 
 The husband passed into the parlor, and 
 began to read the paper. 
 
 The weary tongue of his feminine part- 
 ner wagged on, in a dreary sort of way. 
 
 ' ' I think these girls are so foolish ; they 
 haven't a bit of pluck. I've been trying to 
 persuade her to go to the dentist's and 
 have her teeth out, but she won't. I'm 
 just tired to death to-night, and there's nc
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 73 
 
 end to the work ; Bridget has been moan- 
 ing around all day why her teeth 
 
 "Oh, bother her teeth!" 
 
 "Why, don't you care to hear anything 
 that goes on at home, George?" 
 
 "I don't care to hear about teeth that go 
 on at home ; Bridget's teeth especially. I 
 don't care a rap for the whole set. " 
 
 "How cross you are to-night, George! 
 when I'm so tired, too. Johnnie, your 
 face is dirty, go and wash it; be quick 
 now, for it's time for dinner. I don't 
 know that Bridget will ever call us. She's 
 probably sitting out in the kitchen, nursing 
 her teeth; why she has five roots there, 
 and all of them so inflamed that " 
 
 "Bother her roots, I say!" 
 
 "George, you are extremely irascible, 
 but that's the way ; I get no sympathy at 
 all." 
 
 "Not when you want it -by the whole- 
 sale for Bridget's roots." 
 
 "Well, what should we talk about? I 
 don't see how we can ever have conversa-
 
 74 How To Cook Husbands, 
 
 tion in the home, if you won't listen to 
 anything. " 
 
 And so they went on the tired husband, 
 moody and irritable, and the tired wife, 
 loquacious about matters of no interest. 
 I felt sorry for her who spake, and him 
 who heard. 
 
 A husband worn out with the cares and 
 worries of an unsatisfactory business day, 
 and a wife harrassed and fretted by over- 
 work and petty annoyances, could succeed in 
 talking pleasantly together only by the use 
 of will-power and principle. It would re- 
 quire a big effort, but the effort would pay. 
 It would be one of the best investments a 
 married pair could make. The returns 
 would be quick and large. I wonder more 
 don't deposit in this bank.
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 75 
 
 V 
 
 I HAD not forgotten Mr. Chance. This 
 fact annoyed me excessively, since I saw 
 that he had forgotten me. A forgotten 
 man may remember a woman, and pre- 
 serve his self-respect, if not his merriment ; 
 but when a forgotten woman remembers a 
 man, that is quite another thing. Not that 
 I was brooding over Mr. Chance far from 
 it ; I thought very little of him, in one way, 
 for I frequentl} T saw him with Miss Sprig ; 
 but in spite of all that, I could not quite 
 forget the impression he made upon me 
 the day those boys killed the gay little 
 squirrel, and again the day the poor mother 
 went down into the deep, dark water with
 
 76 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 her child held close to her agonized heart. 
 The feeling I experienced for him on that 
 awful day, was unique in my history. I 
 had never been an impressionable girl as 
 far as men were concerned I was not an 
 impressionable woman. For me to carry 
 the thought of a man home with me for 
 me to dwell upon this thought, and above 
 all to take pleasure in dwelling upon it, 
 meant more than it would have meant for 
 some women. That was as far as the 
 matter had gone, but it was far enough 
 too far, considering his evident indiffer- 
 ence, and I was humiliated, for the first 
 time in my life, over my attitude toward a 
 man. This mortification induced me to 
 treat Mr. Chance even more coldly than I 
 should have done ordinarily, though his 
 trifling with Miss Sprig would have called 
 forth some coolness of conduct under any 
 circumstances. 
 
 I had abundant opportunity to express 
 myself in this way, for Mr. Chance's night 
 work necessitated late rising, and I saw
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 77 
 
 him to speak to him almost every morn- 
 ing. Indeed, I took some pains to be in 
 my garden during the forenoon, and from 
 this vantage ground I could not only see 
 much that took place between himself and 
 Miss Sprig, but I also had opportunity to 
 speak with him as he passed my house, on 
 his way to the train. 
 
 Sometimes Miss Sprig walked to the 
 station with him. He evidently absorbed 
 much of her time and thought, and she 
 evidently regarded him as her latest vic- 
 tim, for she made him a common subject 
 of talk, and her entire acquaintance had 
 the pleasure of hearing the foolish things 
 he did and said. She always represented 
 him as deeply in love with her ; I have no 
 doubt she really thought that he was. 
 
 For my own part, I cared very little 
 wnether he was in love, as it is called, or 
 not. If he had succumbed to such a shal- 
 low-pated, bold, common girl, I felt con- 
 tempt for him, and this contempt was 
 deepened when I realized that he might be
 
 78 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 trifling with her. In any event it morti- 
 fied and angered me to think he had 
 been seen with me; (he had often called 
 upon me and we had been out together 
 several times), and that the old neighborhood 
 gossips had coupled our names. Now it 
 would be reported that Miss Sprig had cut 
 me out; if I was pleasant toward him. 
 they would wag their foolish old heads, 
 and whisper about my efforts to win him 
 back; if I was cool, they would shake 
 these same empty pates, and prattle about 
 my wounded affections. It was one of those 
 cases where you can't possibly do the right 
 thing I mean the thing that will silence 
 the clacking tongue : consequently, as luck 
 would have it, I plunged into the worst 
 possible course I could have taken, for 
 when Mrs. Catlin, who lived catacorner 
 from me, and who watched me as a cut 
 watches a mouse, said something one day 
 about Mr. Chance's feeling bound to pay 
 attention to Mr. Purblind's cousin, as long 
 as she was visiting there, and that she
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 79 
 
 knew such a girl wasn't to his taste, and 
 she was sure he would come to his senses 
 soon, I was so angry that J lost control of 
 my temper, and all control of my wits, 
 and blazed out with : 
 
 "It's none of my business or concern 
 whom he pays attention to, and for my part 
 I think they're well mated." 
 
 Whereupon, realizing I had made a 
 perfect fool of myself, and that this speech 
 of mine would go the rounds of the suburb, 
 and I could never erase it from the village 
 mind not if I lived Q hundred sensible 
 years, I had much ado to withhold myself 
 from seizing a pot of bachelc -s' buttons 
 that stood near, and breaking the whole 
 thing over Mrs. Catlin's idiotic skull. 
 
 It was on top of this peasant interview 
 with Mrs. Catlin, that Mr. Chance came 
 over, and asked me to attend a concert 
 that evening with himself and Miss Sprig, 
 and he very narrowly avoided receiving 
 the bachelors' buttons that Mrs. Catlin 
 had but just escaped.
 
 80 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 I strode indoors, and began packing 
 some of my effects, for I was resolved to 
 move that day, or the next. Not because 
 I had discovered I had such fools for 
 neighbors I had always known that but 
 because I had just discovered that they 
 had a fool for a neighbor. 
 
 Worldly considerations prevailed with 
 me, and I took out the Penates that I had 
 slammed into a trunk, mended their 
 broken noses, and set them in place once 
 more ; but I hid myself away for several 
 days, much as Moses was hidden, but for 
 a less dignified reason. 
 
 After a time, I cooled off, and decided 
 to accept the world as it stood, and not to 
 rage because the millennium did not come 
 before I was fitted to enjoy it. 
 
 Mrs. Purblind ran over one afternoon, 
 and I could see that she was far from 
 happy. I had noticed for some weeks 
 various changes in the direction of im- 
 provement, in her care of her husband and 
 household. I had also noticed that Mr.
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 81 
 
 Purblind's conduct did not keep pace with 
 these improvements, but I fancied Mrs. 
 Purblind was not sharp enough to see or 
 sensitive enough to care. In this it seems 
 I erred, as I have in one, or perhaps two, 
 other directions during my life. 
 
 As Mrs. Purblind, for the first time 
 since I have known her, didn't seem to 
 care to talk, I took up a book at random, 
 and began reading aloud. As luck would 
 have it, I stumbled into some passages 
 descriptive of the ideal home, and before I 
 could stumble out again, the poor woman 
 burst into tears. I suppose that tender 
 little sentence served as the key that un- 
 locked the floodgates. As soon as her 
 grief had spent itself, she apologized, and 
 ascribed her tears to bad news in a letter 
 or something, and shortly afterward left. 
 I watched her -walking down the street, 
 until my eyes were too dim to see her. It 
 grieved me sorely that the cause of her 
 sorrow was so deep, and so delicate that I 
 could not offer her my sympathy. Her tears
 
 82 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 were piteous to me, and I wanted to take her 
 to my heart, and tell her how sorry I was 
 for her ; but to do that would have been to 
 take advantage of her moment of weak- 
 ness, and that I could not must not do. 
 So I let her go from me with merely a few 
 commonplace expressions of regret that 
 she had received disturbing news, while 
 all the time my heart was aching in unison 
 with hers, and I kept her with me in 
 thought, all day. 
 
 I went down to the lake directly after 
 dinner ; several things were troubling me, 
 and I wanted to lay my puzzled head on 
 Mother Nature's bosom. 
 
 My run down the steep sides of the bluff 
 set the blood to coursing smartly through 
 my veins, and a new and more cheerful 
 stream of thought to flowing. 
 
 I was tired that night, and it was a luxury 
 to lie flat upon my back on the beach, listen- 
 ing to the rhythmical thud of the big, long 
 wave at my feet, and the song of the stars 
 overhead. There is something unspeakably
 
 How To Cook Husbands* 83 
 
 tranquillizing in the studded dome of 
 heaven ; there is also something unspeaka- 
 bly sad. It bends over the struggling, 
 yearning, aching human heart, as a 
 mother, who has attained that peace which 
 is the outgrowth of suffering, bends over 
 the passion, the sobbing, and the despair 
 of her child. 
 
 "Hush, hush, it is all for the best." 
 
 "I cannot will not bear it!" 
 
 "Hush, you know not what you say. 
 God's hand is in it all. " 
 
 "There is no God in this, or if there is. 
 He hates me !" 
 
 "Ah, my child, He loves you with unut- 
 terable love, and pities with unutterable 
 pity. Yet a little while, and the day shall 
 shine upon you; then you will know a 
 little while. " 
 
 I turned from the great vault above me, 
 and looked out upon the restive waters, 
 and as I turned I saw a shadowy Mrs. 
 Purblind sitting beside me on the beach, 
 and questioning with sad eyes and heart, 
 the stars that bent to listen.
 
 84 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 "I have tried," she said; her face, usu- 
 ally so thoughtless, tear-stained, and quiv- 
 ering. 
 
 "Yes, I know you have tried," I an- 
 swered; "I have seen that!" 
 
 "But he is just the same." 
 
 "Yes, and will be for a long time, and 
 you will have to go on trying for years, if 
 you want to carry him back to the old 
 days," I said. 
 
 "That's one of the hardest things in all 
 the world!" she cried passionately, "if we 
 stop doing right the right stops with us, 
 but if we stop doing wrong and begin to 
 do right, the wrong goes on. " 
 
 "Not for always," I said, looking up to 
 the stars. 
 
 "Oh, for so long!" 
 
 The great dome rich with gems, and 
 deep with peace, bent over her, and by 
 and by her sobs ceased. 
 
 "You are trying, I know," I reiterated, 
 "but you don't understand you can't, for 
 you have only a woman's nature. "
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 85 
 
 "What should I have, pray?" 
 
 "A woman's, and a man's, and a child's, 
 to be a perfect wife and mother ; that is, 
 you must be able to comprehend them all. 
 Your husband came home cross to- 
 night. " 
 
 "Yes, irritable toward us all, and I so 
 hoped to have everything pleasant this 
 evening." 
 
 "He, too, had his hopes to-day, and they 
 were flung to the ground, and broken be- 
 fore his eyes. " 
 
 "What do you mean?" 
 
 "The special agent of a company that 
 he has for a year been working to get, 
 has been in town. '' 
 
 "Yes, I know." 
 
 "Yesterday this agent led him to sup- 
 pose he was to be the favored one. All to- 
 day he has been working toward that end, 
 and near night he heard that this man had 
 gone, without even saying good -by. You 
 remember that Mr. Purblind left home in 
 a hurry this morning, with scarcely a bite
 
 86 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 of breakfast ; lie took very little luncheon, 
 and " 
 
 "Well, we had dinner at the usual time, 
 if he'd said he was hungry, I'd have hur- 
 ried it. " 
 
 "He was not hungry he was much 
 more than that. Did you ever see a vessel 
 whose fuel is well-nigh exhausted drag 
 herself into port? What is the first thing 
 to be done?'' 
 
 "I don't know replenish her?" 
 
 "Yes, put coal on board. Now when I 
 saw your husband walk up to his front 
 door, I said to myself, he needs coaling. 
 A good home should be a good coaling 
 station; remember that. " 
 
 "But what of me?" she asked with some 
 impatience, "I, too, have my worries and 
 exertions do I never need coaling?" 
 
 "Frequently," I answered. 
 
 "Well, who is to coal me, I should like 
 to know?" 
 
 "Yourself." 
 
 ' ' That's rather one-sided, I think. Why 
 shouldn't my husband look to that?"
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 87 
 
 "My dear," I said earnestly, "I never 
 knew but one man who saw when his wife 
 needed coaling, and attended to her wants. 
 When he died (for the gods loved him), it 
 was found that his shoulder-blades were 
 abnormally large at least so the doctors 
 said, but I knew all the time that his wings 
 had budded." 
 
 "Well, this life is too much for me," 
 murmured Mrs. Purblind drearily. 
 
 "Then don't attempt the next." 
 
 "I shan't, if I can help it, and yet I'm 
 like to soon, for Mr. Purblind's mother is 
 coming on a visit to us, and I know she'll 
 worry the breath out of me." 
 
 "Don't let her." 
 
 "How can I help it?" 
 
 "By keeping the peace with her." 
 
 "Oh, I've tried that before; I've done 
 everything I could for her, and deferred to 
 her, and ignored myself until I seemed to 
 fade out of existence, but it didn't work. " 
 
 "Oh, yes, it did, for it made her ten 
 times as troublesome as before."
 
 88 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 "It certainly did, but what do you 
 mean?" 
 
 "I mean that a mother-in-law is like a 
 child, in that she is spoiled by having her 
 own way." 
 
 "But what can I do?" 
 
 "Walk calmly on, doing the best you 
 can, but recognizing your own authority 
 and dignity, and finally she will come to 
 recognize it. Be mistress of your own 
 household, and director of your own chil- 
 dren all this quietly and pleasantly, but 
 without wavering, and in the end she will 
 respect and probably admire you, though 
 she will never think you do just right, or 
 are just the woman who ought to have 
 married her son." 
 
 "But I've always been in hopes of mak- 
 ing her love me as she loves her own 
 daughter." 
 
 "That is what every romantic woman 
 starts out with, but by and by, in the 
 storm and stress of domestic life, that ideal 
 is cast overboard, as a struggling ship 
 throws its extra cargo over the rail. "
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 89 
 
 "Why is it, I wonder, a man never 
 fights with his father-in-law. Men are 
 said to be naturally pugnacious. " 
 
 "That's a mistake, my dear; a man 
 would go several miles any day to 
 avoid a fuss; it is we women who delight 
 in scraps. A man occasionally has a little 
 set-to with the girl's father, before he gains 
 his consent to the engagement, but once 
 he's married, it's the old lady he has to 
 train for, or I should say who trains for 
 him, because as a general thing it is she who 
 gives battle, not he. The real conflict, 
 however, takes place between the two 
 women the wife and her mother-in-law. 
 If you want to see 'de fur fly,' as the 
 darkies say, you must always come over 
 to the feminine side of the house. Then 
 you'll have your fill of explanations, ex- 
 postulations, and recriminations." 
 
 "Well, certainly I never had any trouble 
 with my father-in-law." 
 
 "Trouble! Do you know what I'd do, if 
 I had a troublesome father-in-law?"
 
 90 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 "No murder him?" 
 
 "Murder him, indeed! Woman, have 
 you no mercantile instinct? That would 
 be like killing the goose that lays the 
 golden egg. Why, the first showman 
 would take the old gentleman off my 
 hands, and pay me a handsome price for 
 him. You must know that a troublesome 
 father-in-law is so rare that the public 
 would flock to see him. But you couldn't 
 get anything for a troublesome mother-in- 
 law. There are too many families trying 
 to get rid of them, at any price. The sale 
 of parents-in-law is governed by the same 
 laws as other commodities, and these inter- 
 fering, mischief-making mothers-in-law 
 have become a drug in the market. " 
 
 "Well, there is Mrs. Earnest, her 
 mother-in-law is a jewel." 
 
 "Ah, now you mention a most valuable 
 piece of property, for a woman like that 
 who models her conduct on the pattern of 
 Aunt Betsey Trotwood. in David Copper- 
 field's household, is a jewel of such magni-
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 91 
 
 tude and brilliancy, that she will some day 
 be seen sparkling in Abraham's bosom, 
 from a distance of millions of miles. " 
 
 "Well, how would you cook mothers-in- 
 law?" 
 
 "Make a delicious dish of your husband 
 and then take a pinch a good pinch of 
 mother-in-law, and throw her in as 'sass.' 
 Speaking of this, remember that too many 
 cooks spoil the broth, and wife and mother- 
 in-law combined generally make a pretty 
 mess of the husband."
 
 92 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 VI 
 
 I WAS feeling a trifle dull and heavy one 
 afternoon, and after several vain efforts to 
 do good work, decided that a vigorous 
 tramp would set my blood to flowing, and 
 the wheels of my thinking mill to revolv- 
 ing. So out I started toward the lake, as 
 usual. There had been a storm off the 
 Michigan shore, and we were just be- 
 ginning to get evidence of it, in the big 
 waves that were tumbling on the beach, 
 I like the lake in this mood in any mood, 
 indeed, but especially when it is rough and 
 wild. 
 
 After quite a brisk tramp along, or near 
 the beach, I turned back ; but before going
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 93 
 
 home again, I wished to come in closer 
 contact with the tumultuous waters. At 
 risk of being wet by the spray, which the 
 waves were tossing on high, much as an 
 excited horse tosses the foam from his 
 chafing mouth, I climbed around the little 
 bathing house, set on the shore end of the 
 pier, and then boldly walked out, and took 
 my seat in the midst of the tumult. 
 
 The passion of the lake was magnificent ; 
 far out as far as eye could stretch there 
 were oncoming waves ; the clan was gath- 
 ering, and all in battle array. What an 
 overwhelming charge they made ! Surely 
 no one could resist that onslaught. There 
 was no deliberation, as was usual with a 
 moderately heavy sea ; no calm, inevitable 
 heaving of the water; no steady rising, 
 ever higher and higher, until it crested, 
 curved, and fell with a boom. There was 
 nothing of this to-day; no preparation; 
 everything was ready; the warriors, 
 armed and mounted, were already making 
 the attack.
 
 94 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 For a time I gloried in it all ; even the 
 anger of the waves was more admirable 
 than terrific in my sight. It seemed as 
 though they interpreted my holdness as de- 
 fiance, and accepted the challenge. From 
 near, from far, they were coming, and all 
 upon me, or if that is taking too much to 
 myself, they were making their attack 
 upon the shore, meaning to claim it for 
 their own, and incidentally to sweep me, 
 a poor, insignificant atom, from their sight. 
 
 By and by I found myself oppressed with 
 the desolation of the scene. As the day 
 waned, and the chill that foreshadows 
 night fell upon me, or rather rose upon me, 
 from the cold waters, I began to feel 
 lonely and unprotected. The waves 
 looked so hungry, so cruel ; they reached 
 out and up toward me; they encircled 
 with the inevitable, as with a relentless 
 fate. I began to be afraid of them, and I 
 rose to go back to shore. 
 
 Unlike the ocean, the lake is fixed ; but 
 that day the increase of the waves, in
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 95 
 
 height and fury, had the effect of a rising 
 tide. I realized that it would be very diffi- 
 cult for me to get off the pier alone, and I 
 was more than relieved to see Randolph 
 Chance, who had come down for a looli at 
 the lake before taking his train to the city. 
 He joined me without trouble ; a man can 
 perform those feats so easily, whereas a 
 woman is physically hampered. 
 
 "You're in rather a bleak place, Miss 
 Leigh," he said. 
 
 "Yes, I have just begun to realize that." 
 
 "Oh, well, we'll manage to get off safely; 
 but you mustn't mind a little wetting. 
 Just give yourself to me, and we'll be on 
 shore in a minute. " 
 
 I gladly did as he bade me; it was 
 luxury just then to have some one as 
 strong and capable as he take the reins. 
 He led me around the bathing house, and 
 then lifted me from the pier. As he set 
 me safely on the shore, his eyes met mine, 
 and his look was a revelation to me. I 
 was, for a moment, too startled to think,
 
 96 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 and the strangest sensation I ever experi- 
 enced crept over me. If a look could 
 speak, Randolph Chance but I did not 
 put it into words not then, at least, but it 
 was all very strange to me most inexpli- 
 cable. 
 
 We walked on quietly, both. I dare say, 
 feeling our silence to be a trifle awkward. 
 It was for this reason that I decided to 
 shorten the time of our being together, by 
 stopping at the house of a friend. The 
 wetting I had received from the waves 
 did not amount to anything for one so 
 hardy as myself, so I was not deterred on 
 that account. 
 
 The house where I stopped was a pleas- 
 ant resort for me. Both Mr. and Mrs. 
 Bachelor were interesting people. I had 
 known Mr. Bachelor for fifteen years. He 
 had once been one of our young men, as 
 the saying is, young merely in the sense 
 of being single, not in actual years, for at 
 the time I met him he was nearer the forty 
 than the thirty line. Nature seemed to
 
 How To Cook Husbands, 97 
 
 have marked him for single cussedness, I 
 had almost said, from the first. He was 
 no favorite with any set, being grumpy, 
 fussy, and peculiar. But five years after he 
 rose into sight above my horizon he mar- 
 ried a most sensible, lovely woman; not a 
 child, by the way, for she was almost 
 forty; and in less than no time, it 
 seemed to us, had a family of four children 
 about him, one following the other so 
 closely that the predecessor was all but 
 overtaken. At first we said among our- 
 selves that he must have borrowed these 
 infants, and stuck them up in his home for 
 appearance's sake, in some such manner as 
 the proprietor of a summer hotel once 
 stuck a number of trees in his grounds, to 
 make a sandy, barren spot seem fertile 
 and enticing. But by and by we became 
 convinced that these little human shoots 
 w^ere his very own, not alone because they 
 evinced some disagreeable crotchets similar 
 to his, but also because of the love he bore 
 them, and the change they wrought in his
 
 98 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 character and life. Even around court 
 the man was regarded differently ; warmth 
 and esteem being extended him now in 
 place of the dislike he had formerly 
 aroused. He had never ceased to be a 
 study to me, and a certain flavor of 
 romance hung about his home a delightful 
 flavor, that made it an attractive visiting 
 spot. So it was with considerable pleasure 
 that I called upon this particular day. 
 
 I was shown into the parlor a comforta- 
 ble room, back of which was a most home- 
 like apartment, called the study. As I sat 
 there, awaiting Mrs. Bachelor's coming, I 
 noticed that her husband's desk, which 
 stood in the center of the study, was 
 strewn with dolls, and paraphernalia closely 
 related thereto. My observations were in- 
 terrupted by the entrance of Mrs. Bache- 
 lor, who welcomed me in her cordial, 
 cheery way. A minute later Mr. Bachelor 
 came in, and gave me what was for him, 
 a most friendly greeting. He excused 
 himself in a little while, and went into his
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 99 
 
 study. He had, so his wife explained, 
 been ill with a cold for a day or two, and 
 had been working at home the while, to 
 make ready for the approaching trial of an 
 important case. 
 
 Upon his entering the study, a scene 
 occurred which I shall endeavor to give you 
 as near to the life as possible. As a mat- 
 ter of course he steered directly for his 
 desk, and his eye immediately fell upon a 
 quantity of grandchildren, variously dis- 
 posed thereon. 
 
 "Well, I declare!" he exclaimed; "if 
 this isn't outrageous!" and he gathered up 
 the whole crop there were fully a dozen 
 dolls, in all stages of development, and 
 much doll furniture, and toggery of all 
 kinds. 
 
 After dumping the obnoxious elements 
 on to a divan, he returned to his desk, and 
 with much grumbling sorted out his law- 
 papers, and went to work. But soon after 
 he had cleared his visage, as it were, his 
 small daughter a pretty child, four years
 
 100 How To Cook Husbands, 
 
 old ran into tliB room hugging two puggy 
 puppies, and two kittens of tender age. 
 It did not take her long to grasp the situa- 
 tion. Running to the divan, she uttered a 
 series of cries, indicative both of alarm and 
 displeasure. 
 
 "What what what is the matter?" 
 said Mr. Bachelor, who had probably for- 
 gotten his offense by this time. 
 
 "You naughty papa!" cried the child; 
 "what did you disturve my dollies for?" 
 
 "What did you put them on my desk 
 for?" queried her father indignantly; 
 "the idea! I haven't a spot on earth I can 
 call my own." 
 
 "You've just mussed their best frocks 
 all up," continued the cl ill, who, without 
 paying the slightest attention to her father's 
 vigorous protest, was rapidly replacing her 
 family, puppies, kittens, and all, on the 
 desk. 
 
 ' ' I tell you I can't have them here ! I 
 have important papers around, and I must 
 be allowed to work in peace. Take them 
 off!"
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 101 
 
 He started to sweep them on to the floor, 
 but the little girl uttered a shriek. 
 
 "Papa, papa, don't," she screamed. 
 Then, as he desisted, she added, "They've 
 just dot to be here it's the bestest, highest 
 table, and the little doggies and kitties 
 can't jump off, and I'm doing to have a 
 tea-party with Mamie Williams. You 
 must put your nasty old papers somewhere 
 else. " 
 
 "This is an outrage!" he exclaimed, 
 standing up and declaiming as if he were 
 in court; "this is imposition run riot; it 
 has reached a climax, and 111 endure it no 
 longer. Evidently I have no lights that 
 even the smallest and youngest in the 
 household is bound to respect. It is a 
 notorious fact that I am ruled with a rod 
 of iron, and that even this baby of the 
 family flouts me. I say I will stand it no 
 longer. I have been held with a tight 
 rein, and a curb bit, but I will turn at 
 last." 
 
 In his excitement, his metaphors became
 
 102 How To Cook Husbands, 
 
 confused, horses and worms being all 
 mixed up in a heap. 
 
 "Take the desk, take the whole of it. 
 and to-morrow I shall leave the house ! I 
 shall go back to my bachelor quarters, 
 where I once lived in peace." 
 
 The child regarded him seriously, from 
 out her great, brown eyes. 
 
 "Don't ^o away, papa," she said at 
 last, "you may have a little of your desk, 
 if you won't take too much. I didn't 
 mean to be cross at you," she added, with 
 a pathetic quiver of her lip. 
 
 "Well, well!" exclaimed the father has- 
 tily, "there, there!" and he laid his hand 
 softly on her curly little head. "I guess 
 we'll get on somehow ; if I can have a part 
 of the desk, that'll answer. It's big enough 
 far two, I guess. " 
 
 And he began moving his papers around. 
 
 "Not there, papa," said the little tyrant; 
 "no, that's the sunny side, and little 
 bowwow must be there, 'cause he's dot the 
 badest cold, and the kitties haven't dot but
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 103 
 
 little weeny eyes yet, and they must be 
 where it's most lightest. " 
 
 "Well, well, well, where may I sit? I 
 must get to work. " 
 
 "You may sit right there, and you 
 mustn't fiddet, 'cause you'll upset dolly's 
 crib, if you do. " 
 
 Soon he was safely bestowed, off en one 
 side, and as he obediently kept to his limi- 
 tations, all proceeded happily. 
 
 During this domestic scrimmage, Mrs. 
 Bachelor went on chatting in her lively, 
 pleasant fashion with me, never betraying, 
 in any way, that she overheard the scene 
 in the study. I was so occupied with it, 
 that I could pay no heed to her remarks ; 
 but she was a wise w^oman, and knew that 
 her husband was being cooked to a delici- 
 ous turn, and that any interference on her 
 part, would spoil the dish. I have since 
 learned that occasionally, when she sees 
 that the fire is really too hot for him, she 
 comes to his rescue. 
 
 "If he sputters and fizzes, don't be anx-
 
 104 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 ious ; some husbands do this till they are 
 quite done." 
 
 Evidently Mrs. Bachelor has studied her 
 cook-book.
 
 How To Cook Husbands, H)5 
 
 VII 
 
 THE little touch of sentiment that 
 flashed, as it were, from Randolph Chance 
 as he lifted me off the pier, was presently 
 blotted, as far as effect upon me was con- 
 cerned, by the return of Miss Sprig to the 
 Purblind household, and the renewal of 
 his attentions to her. At least I regarded 
 them as renewed, and I coldly turned my 
 back upon him, and let him go his way, 
 without further thought or speculation. 
 
 I was daily becoming more interested in 
 another acquaintance Mr. Gregory, a 
 man of years, whom I had known for 
 some time. He had been a visitor at our 
 house when my parents were living, and
 
 106 How To Cook Husbands, 
 
 had, from time to time, shown me friendly 
 attentions since their death. He frequently 
 invited me to places of entertainment, some- 
 thing Randolph Chance seldom did, and in 
 many ways contributed to my comfort and 
 happiness. Single women are very depend- 
 ent upon their men friends for pleasures 
 of this sort ; few of them care to go out at 
 night alone, and even when they go in 
 company with each other, the occasion 
 lacks a zest which belongs to it when a 
 woman has an escort. It is strange that 
 many men many of those who believe in 
 the dependence of women, fall into the self- 
 ish habit of going alone to theater, con- 
 cert, and lecture, and so force the women 
 of their acquaintance into a position which 
 their sentiments would seem to deprecate. 
 
 While in no way obtrusive, or gushing 
 in his attentions, Mr. Gregory was most 
 thoughtful and kind, and few women are 
 without appreciation of conduct of this 
 type. 
 
 Life flowed on with me with a quiet cur-
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 107 
 
 rent. I was not a woman to make scenes 
 with myself or others, and my circum- 
 stances were such as to permit of an undis- 
 turbed tenor of way. 
 
 One bright afternoon, just as I returned 
 from a long walk, Mrs. Purblind ran over 
 to see me, and soon afterward, Mrs. Cynic 
 dropped in. I never could bear this latter 
 woman; something malevolent seems to 
 emanate from her; something that is more 
 or less unhealthful to the moral nature of 
 all who come in contact with it, just as the 
 miasma from a swamp is poisonous to the 
 physical being. 
 
 It chanced that I had just finished writ- 
 ing a little story, drawn from the life-page 
 of my domestic experience ; it was so en- 
 deared to my memory that I was not like 
 to forget it, and yet, in the course of years, 
 its outlines would probably fade a trifle if 
 I did not take care to preserve their dis- 
 tinctness; for that reason I had written it 
 out. 
 
 I ought to have had better sense than to
 
 108 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 read anything of this kind to Mrs. Cynic. 
 In the presence of such people, that which 
 is fresh, beautiful, and holy withers, as a 
 cluster of dewy wild flowers is parched 
 and killed by the hot, sterile breath of a 
 furnace. 
 
 Usually I have some judgment in such 
 matters, but that day all discretion seemed 
 to take wings. 
 
 A remark of Mrs. Purblind's led up to 
 the subject. This little woman can say 
 ugly things at times, but they are stung 
 out of her, as it were, by some particular 
 hurt, and are not the expression of her real 
 nature. She has a kind, good heart, 
 though her judgment and tact are some- 
 what lacking. 
 
 We happened to be speaking of men, 
 and something was said about their capac- 
 .ity for devotion, when Mrs. Purblind ex- 
 claimed : 
 
 "Devotion! the masculine nature doesn't 
 know the meaning of the word, unless it 
 is devotion to self."
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 109 
 
 "I must read you a little story I've writ- 
 ten to-day. It's a true one, remember I 
 think I shall call it, 'Devotion'." 
 
 I went to my desk, took out the manu- 
 script, and read as follows : 
 
 "A few years ago I owned a pair of fox- 
 hounds. Duke was the gentleman of the 
 family, and Lady was his consort, and a 
 lady she was indeed. I can hardly imag- 
 ine a human creature of greater intelli- 
 gence and refinement than this dumb 
 beast. The attachment between herself 
 and Duke was unique in its strength, and 
 in its demonstration. He was fully as 
 noble and as intelligent as she, but of a 
 less lively, cheerful temperament. The 
 arrival of six little Dukes was an occasion 
 of anxiety and excitement for us all, and 
 we were much relieved when the event 
 was safely over, and we saw Lady and her 
 beautif ul family established in peace and 
 comfort. Matters had run smoothly for 
 about four or five weeks, when one day I 
 was startled by a series of sharp yelps,
 
 110 How To Cook Husbands, 
 
 which I knew came from Lady. I ran to 
 the window, and saw the poor creature 
 rolling in the middle of the street, in the 
 greatest pain. By her side was Duke, and 
 his outcries mingled with hers. The hard- 
 hearted teamster, whose wagon had done 
 the mischief, had driven off, but I ran to 
 the rescue, and finally got her into the 
 stable, where her little ones were awaiting 
 her. She only lived a few hours, and her 
 last act was an effort to nurse her clamor- 
 ous doggies, while with her great, sad eyes 
 she seerne I to say good -by to Duke ! The 
 grief of this noble fellow was so great that 
 we thought he would go mad. For a time 
 he refused to let us come near her. He 
 stood over her, licking her senseless form, 
 pushing her gently once in a while with his 
 head and paws, and then uttering lamenta- 
 ble cries when he saw that she did not 
 move, or in any way respond ; and mean- 
 while the tiny dogs were crawling over 
 her, and mingling their voices with their 
 father's deep notes of distress. It was a
 
 How To Cook Husbands* 111 
 
 most pitiable sight, and we all breathed a 
 sigh of relief when the dear old fellow per- 
 mitted us to lead him off into the house, 
 and we had an opportunity to dispose of 
 poor Lady. Ill not try to tell of Duke's 
 excitement and distress when he missed 
 her; of his frantic search all over the place, 
 and of how we followed him about, 
 and talked to him, and tried to divert him ; 
 or how we all Duke, and the rest of us, 
 finally sat down in the stable, beside the 
 motherless little family, and wept together. 
 
 "The morning after Lady died, I went 
 out to the stable with a cup of warm milk. 
 I had not been able to do anything with 
 the puggy little dogs the evening before, 
 but I thought that their sharp hunger, 
 after several hours of abstinence, would 
 lead them to make an effort to drink. I 
 carried a spoon with me, also a rag to suck, 
 and a bottle, with a nipple all kinds of 
 appliances, in fact. 
 
 "What was my surprise upon entering 
 the stable, to find Duke occupying Lady's
 
 112 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 place. He was evidently trying to answer 
 the small dogs' clamorous demand for 
 breakfast, and it was also plain that his 
 failure in this respect amazed and bewil- 
 dered him. He lay down just as he had 
 seen Lady do, and when this did not 
 suffice he tried another position; failing 
 again, he withdrew a few paces, and sat 
 for a moment in an attitude of profound 
 thought; returning soon, and trying an- 
 other device. This resulting unfavorably, 
 he made still another, and then another 
 attempt, and finally,, grieved to the heart, 
 and worried by the hungry cries of the 
 small dogs, he withdrew once more, and 
 lifting his nose high in air, deliberately 
 yowled. 
 
 "At this point I obtruded myself upon 
 the scene and went up to the dear old 
 dog, took his distressed head in my arms, 
 and talked to him. I explained to him the 
 difficulty of the situation ; how, owing to 
 circumstances quite beyond his control, he 
 could not take Lady's place. I urged
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 113 
 
 upon him that he must yield gracefully to 
 his limitations ; showed him my appliances, 
 and then when I had soothed and inter- 
 ested him, and he had consented to desist, 
 and let me try, I made my essay. 
 
 "It was a study for an artist my appeal- 
 ing, pitying, impatient, scolding efforts to 
 induce those unreasonable little creatures 
 to accept a rag, or a bottle in place of a 
 mother. I shouldn't have cared so much, 
 that is, I could have taken longer without 
 minding it, had it not been for Duke. His 
 anxiety was so great, and his distress over 
 their cries so keen, that I was quite un- 
 nerved, and as is often the case, I showed 
 my concern by scolding and abusing the 
 objects in whose behalf I was exerting 
 myself. 
 
 "I was all but ready to give up, when 
 one of the smallest and liveliest of the pup- 
 pies (a feminine creature, of course) sud 
 denly seized upon the nipple of the bottle 
 with a lusty grip, and sucked away till she 
 was all but strangled with milk. Her
 
 114 How To Cook Husbands, 
 
 example was speedily followed by the 
 others, but before I had gone the rounds 
 Duke comprehended that our trial: 1 were 
 ended, and then well, the dignified, sad- 
 faced old doggie took leave of his wits, 
 temporarily, as well as his digmity. Ho ca- 
 pered, he relied on tho ground, he barked, 
 he bayed, he played leap-frog over my 
 head, did everything but stand on end, 
 and very nearly that, in his joy. 
 
 "From that time on he never failed to be 
 present whe.n his infants were fed, and 
 when I weaned them, and taught them to 
 drink, ho was an interested spectator; 
 helpful too, for one time when a small dog 
 was obdurate, he took him by the nape of 
 the neck, arid shook him thoroughly, be- 
 fore turning him over to me for another 
 trial. On another occasion, the pig of the 
 family drank too deep, as it were, from 
 the flowing bowl, and might have been 
 drowned had it not been for his watchful 
 parent. Duke noticed that the small fore- 
 quarters were plunged into the liquid din-
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 115 
 
 ner ; he also observed that the hind quarters 
 were slowly rising in midair. He watched 
 all this, with his accustomed, kindly grav- 
 ity, until the equilibrium was lost, and 
 Master Pup plunged into the pearly sea. 
 Then the startled father leaped to Ms feet, 
 snatched his offspring from a milky grave, 
 and laid him, sneezing and choking, sad- 
 der and wiser, on the sunny grass-plat to 
 dry. 
 
 "In due time Duke recovered, in a meas- 
 ure, from his grief over Lady's death, and 
 took unto himself another partner. As is 
 usual in the case of widowers, his second 
 choice was injudicious, for Fanchon was a 
 giddy, young thing, that didn't have sense 
 enough to come in out of the rain. 
 
 "But Duke saw no defects; he was all 
 tenderness and attention. 
 
 "It was early winter, but the weather 
 was intensely cold, and we had taken 
 Duke and Fanchon in from the stable, and 
 had housed them comfortably in the cellar. 
 
 ' ' One night I was wakened out of a sound
 
 116 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 sleep by cries of distress. I called my 
 sister and her husband, who were visiting 
 me, and in various costumes, all hands went 
 below. Fanchon was running about, crying 
 and moaning, and Duke was alternately 
 making frantic efforts to soothe her, and 
 kiyiying in a manner that was fearful to 
 hear. We succeeded at last in getting 
 Fanchon to heed us, and coaxed her to 
 settle down in a comfortable bed we made 
 for her on the far side of the cellar, where 
 she would have the benefit of the warmth 
 from the furnace, and would be out of the 
 way of the cold air which came in through 
 a window, broken the day before. 
 
 "As soon as she was pacified, Duke was 
 again happy, and he cheerfully lay down 
 to rest. We retired to our rooms, and 
 being very weary, with much sightseeing 
 during the day, dropped into a sound sleep. 
 The next morning I hurried down into the 
 cellar, wondering whether I should see two 
 dogs, or a dozen. To my surprise and 
 dismay, I saw none at all. The cellar was
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 117 
 
 silent and deserted. I opened the outer 
 door, and with a failing heart, stepped 
 into the clear, bitter cold of a temperature 
 something like fifteen degrees below zero. 
 Just around the corner of the house, in a 
 nook slightly sheltered from the biting air, 
 I came upon the family. Fanchon lay 
 upon the ground, the snow carefully 
 pushed up around her, and her clinging 
 little ones, who were taking their break- 
 fast. Over all Fanchon and her puppies 
 covering them with his faithful body 
 shielding them with his never-failing love 
 and devotion, was my noble hound as 
 noble, as faithful a dog, as ever man or 
 woman loved. I called to him, and rubbed 
 him, but all in vain, and meanwhile 
 stupid, silly Fanchon, that had foolishly 
 left her warm bed in the cellar, looked on 
 with cheerful indifference, and wagged 
 her tail." 
 
 "Well," said Mrs. Cynic, when I had 
 concluded the reading, "that story seems 
 to me to prove but one thing. "
 
 118 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 "And what is that, pray?" I asked, 
 realizing I had been foolish to read such a 
 tale to such an auditor. 
 
 "Why, the truth of Madame de StaeTs 
 remark: 'The more I see of men, the 
 more I admire dogs. ' " 
 
 That hateful woman! She always 
 leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. 
 I know she springs from some corrupt 
 ancestry. She has all the marks of inward 
 decay upon her. 
 
 When she had gone, Mrs. Purblind and 
 I breathed more freely. 
 
 "She doesn't believe in anything good," 
 said Mrs. Purblind. 
 
 "No," I answered in a tone of disgust, 
 "she has nothing within her to answer to 
 it." 
 
 "How different she is from Mrs. Ear- 
 nest," continued Mrs. Purblind; "why, you 
 can hardly convince that woman that any- 
 one is really mean, and goodness knows 
 she has trouble enough to make her bitter. 
 What a husband she's got! That man
 
 How To Cook Husbanck 119 
 
 makes me so mad ! He's ugly from sheer 
 badness." 
 
 I thought for a moment, and then I as- 
 sented. I really do believe that man is 
 ugly without cause. He and his wife live 
 at some distance from us, and I've often 
 visited them. I should like to give you a 
 scene to which I was witness one evening 
 when I was a trifle ill, and lay on a divan 
 just out of their dining room. 
 
 Mrs. Earnest is like a delicate flower 
 that lifts its pretty face and smiles in the 
 sunlight of love, but is bowed and broken 
 'neath the thunder -cloud and storm. She 
 longs to make her home attractive, but her 
 husband has no sympathy with this de- 
 sire; to him home is merely the place 
 where he finds food and lodging, and a 
 safety valve for such moods and tempers 
 as he is obliged to keep under control in 
 the business world. 
 
 The efforts that this poor little wife 
 makes, in her timid way, to start up pleas- 
 ant subjects of conversation would move a 
 rock to tears.
 
 120 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 This is the scene, as I recall it a speci- 
 men scene. 
 
 The family husband, wife, and three 
 little children were at dinner, as I said. 
 
 "What's been happening to-day? any- 
 thing of interest?" asked the little wife. 
 
 "Not that I know of," was the gruff 
 reply. 
 
 Silence, broken by the occasional sound 
 of eating implements, ensued. 
 
 "Pass the bread, will you?" he said in 
 a short tone, directly. 
 
 "See how you like this bread; we are 
 trying the entire wheat flour. I think it's 
 very nice tasting, and they claim it's rich 
 in nutrition. It's warranted to make 
 blood, bone, and muscle brain, too, I be- 
 lieve. I'm going to eat several pounds a 
 day ; I may astonish the world yet. " 
 
 This feeble joke was received in stolid 
 silence, and the poor little wife crept into 
 her shell. 
 
 After a time she peeped out again, and 
 made another effort.
 
 How To Cook Husbands, 121 
 
 "I went to the womans' club this after- 
 noon; Mrs. Pierson invited me. They 
 had a very interesting meeting; they 
 brought up the subject of smoke consum- 
 ers. I never realized before how much 
 property is ruined yearly by the smoke. 
 It does seem as if manufacturers ought to 
 use consumers. " 
 
 At this point Bruin openly yawned, and 
 the little wife again retired. But with as- 
 tonishing elasticity of courage she issued 
 from her shell once more, this time with 
 the hope that a more masculine theme 
 would meet with some response. 
 
 "They brought a petition around here 
 to-day for us to sign. It seems there is 
 some talk of ^flooring the reservoir and 
 using it as a beer garden this coming sum- 
 mer, and the neighborhood has been called 
 upon to protest against it." 
 
 "I know all about that," he growled. 
 
 "Have you signed it?" 
 
 "I have." 
 
 Again silence fell as a wet cloak upon
 
 122 How To Cook Husbands, 
 
 them, and the little woman sat there rack- 
 ing her brains, almost depleted by this 
 time, for the atmosphere which such a 
 man as that creates is warranted to dry 
 up all the intellectual juices, 
 
 One more despairing effort. The chil- 
 dren had now left the table, so anecdotes 
 of them were in order. Probably the poor 
 little wife thought that this man could be 
 wakened into attention by a story about 
 one of his children. 
 
 "Mamie asked me where cats went to 
 when they died. 'They don't go any- 
 where,' I said; 'when they die, that's the 
 end of them.' 
 
 " 'Do they turn to dust?' she asked. 
 
 " 'Yes, just turn to dust,' I said. 
 
 "'Why, then,' she exclaimed, and her 
 eyes grew as big as saucers, 'when horses 
 run 'long the streets, are they kicking up 
 cats?'" 
 
 All the man said was, "Umph," and the 
 little wife's peal of merry laughter was 
 checked, and the ha ha's grew fainter and
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 123 
 
 spread farther and farther apart, until they 
 died away altogether, and I felt like charg- 
 ing upon that burly, surly demon, and 
 butting him out of the window. 
 
 "How would you serve such a man, if 
 you were his wife?" asked Mrs. Purblind. 
 
 "Boasted!"
 
 124 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 vm 
 
 MR. GREGORY'S attentions had become 
 an accepted fact in my life. They were 
 dignified and steadfast, and I received 
 them with a certain calm pleasure. They 
 had not, as yet, reached the point of declara- 
 tion, but it was clear to me, and to every- 
 one else, who knew anything about the 
 matter, that they were tending thither, 
 and my own thought had reached the point 
 of acceptance. I had the greatest respect 
 for him as a man ; we were congenial in our 
 tastes, and personally agreeable to one an- 
 other. The position he had to offer me 
 was a most dignified, desirable one. as he 
 was not only a man of sterling integrity,
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 125 
 
 but also a man of wealth ; there was, in 
 short, everything in favor of the alliance, 
 and I looked upon it quietly, but with a 
 sense of substantial, and steadfast com- 
 fort. 
 
 Such an event as a marriage cannot 
 even in prospect, face a thoughtful woman 
 without making a great change in her life. 
 Mr. Gregory was that type of man who 
 ought not to be allowed to offer himself in 
 a direction where there was no intention 
 of acceptance, for his character and age 
 he was fifty or more forbade all thought 
 of lightness or trifling, and gave one the 
 assurance that any marked attention he 
 might show, was significant. My ac- 
 quaintance with him had extended over 
 several years, and during this period there 
 had been abundant opportunity, on both 
 sides, for study of character. 
 
 In a quiet way, I had been arranging 
 my affairs, preparatory to my expected 
 change in manner of life. I had, as a 
 matter of course, done considerable think-
 
 126 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 ing during this time. I had experienced 
 none of the rapture always associated with 
 a romantic attachment, but I was quietly 
 happy, and this condition was a far more 
 natural one for me, with my cool, matter- 
 of-fact temperament a far more promising 
 one, in respect to future enjoyment, I felt, 
 than something more ecstatic. 
 
 I had seen but little of Mr. Chance for 
 some weeks. He had called several times, 
 but on each of these occasions, we had 
 passed a somewhat constrained, and I 
 thought, a rather dull evening. Just why 
 this constraint should have crept into our 
 intercourse when we seemed to be coming 
 to a better understanding than heretofore, 
 and were beginning to enjoy a warmer de- 
 gree of friendship than we had known, I 
 could not understand ; but its presence was 
 undeniable, and it spoiled everything for 
 me, as far as he was concerned, causing 
 me to look upon his calls in the light of a 
 bore, rather than as a pleasure, as I once 
 had done. Occasionally a memory of that
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 127 
 
 evening when he came to my rescue, as the 
 hungry, cruel waves gathered like wolves 
 about me, would flit across my mind, as a 
 shadow may flit across a sunlit hill. Once 
 in a long while I found myself dwelling 
 upon the look he gave me that night, and 
 this, and the memory of his touch, as he 
 lifted me off the pier, would dim the sun- 
 shine of my cheerfulness. I could not 
 have explained this to myself, and I never 
 dwelt upon the thought ; whether from dis- 
 inclination, or from fear, I could not tell. 
 I only knew that I always turned from it 
 abruptly, and passed on to my plans affect- 
 ing my life with Mr. Gregory. It was 
 quite easy to plan in this direction, for 
 there was nothing uncertain, as there 
 might have been in the case of a younger 
 man. Mr. Gregory was fixed in his tastes, 
 and way of life; I, too, at my age, had 
 formed settled habits, and this he knew; 
 but, fortunately, in most directions, we 
 were in harmony, and where we were not, 
 we had fallen into a way of making cer- 
 tain concessions.
 
 128 How To Cook Husbands, 
 
 So I had matters pretty well laid out; 
 all my theories, born of years of close ob- 
 servation of affairs domestic, were now 
 brought to bear on my own future. 
 Secretly I esteemed myself a competent 
 cook, when a husband was the dish under 
 discussion. Mr. Gregory was not one to 
 require any very complicated wisdom in 
 the culinary art. A little gentle stewing; 
 no stroag seasoning; no violent changes or 
 methods of any sort; but regularity, even- 
 ness; quiet affection; respect; comfort, 
 and general conformance to taste and na- 
 ture would be necessary, and I felt my- 
 self fully equal to it all. 
 
 Matters had well-nigh culminated, for I 
 had received a note from Mr. Gregory ask- 
 ing when I would be at home to him, and 
 saying that he had a matter of great mo- 
 ment to both of us, to lay before me. I set 
 an evening, and then awaited his coming 
 without the slightest quickening of my 
 pulse, but with a serenity and cheerfulness 
 that appealed to my common sense as the 
 surest forecast of happiness.
 
 Haw To Cook Husbands. 1^9 
 
 Just at this juncture, a swift turn of the 
 wind -cock, or some imprudence of diet, 
 resulted in my taking cold a most un- 
 usual procedure for me, and at the time 
 of Mr. Gregory's call I was unable to see 
 him, being confined to my bed, in the care 
 of a doctor, who was fighting a case of 
 threatened pneumonia. 
 
 Mr. Gregory expressed his sincere re- 
 gret, and the next day called again, and 
 left flowers. These attentions were re- 
 peated daily, and soon after hearing of my 
 improvement, he wrote me a letter in 
 which he said that which he had intended 
 to say on the evening of the day I fell ill. 
 He did not request a reply; in fact, he 
 asked me to withhold my answer until I 
 should be able to see him in person. It 
 would have been wiser, perhaps, he said, 
 to have postponed any word on the subject 
 until I had recovered, but he had found it 
 difficult to delay the expression of his feel- 
 ing toward me, and hence had written. 
 
 This last rather surprised me, for Mr.
 
 130 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 Gregory had always seemed so unlikely to 
 be swayed by impulse, or carried, in the 
 slightest degree, beyond a point indicated 
 by his 'udgment. It simply went to prove 
 that the most regularly and smoothly laid- 
 out man, if one may so express it, has un- 
 suspected crooks and turns. 
 
 I had no desire to answer the letter, 
 being perfectly able and willing to wait 
 until I should see him. In fact, instead of 
 hastening the time for my acceptance, I 
 rather delayed it, for I reached a point in 
 my convalescence, when I was able to go 
 down to the parlor, had I so wished, and 
 still did not. 
 
 Each day of my illness, a lovely bouquet 
 of flowers had been left at my door. They 
 came direct from the greenhouse, and 
 were left without card, or sign of the 
 giver. I had an eccentric little friend who 
 was quite devoted to me, and was fond of 
 keeping her left hand in darkest ignorance 
 of the performances of its counterpart the 
 right hand and I attributed this delicate
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 131 
 
 and beautiful token of sympathy and affec- 
 tion to her ; but, for some inexplicable rea- 
 son, every morning when the flowers were 
 brought to my room, and I took them in 
 my hand, a strange feeling came over me 
 a feeling I had never had toward my 
 little friend. 
 
 Over two weeks had passed, and I was 
 downstairs in the study. My nurse had 
 gone out, my housekeeper was busy, and 
 I was very lonely. I was standing at the 
 window, looking westward. The sun had 
 gone down in regal splendor. Some fete 
 was in progression in the sky, for the at- 
 tendants of the god of day were resplendent 
 in attire. They had been marshalled from 
 all quarters of the heavens, and their stately 
 and solemn procession, brilliant with the 
 most gorgeous red, royal purple, and daz- 
 zling gold, had caused my heart to dilate 
 with awe and reverential admiration. 
 
 The lake, stirred by the wonderful pag- 
 eant, caught the many hues as they dropped 
 from heaven, and tossed them on high in 
 joyous, iridescent waves.
 
 132 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 The climax of majesty and beauty was 
 reached, and then the convocation broke 
 up not suddenly, but slowly, and with 
 gracious dignity. The sun sank into the 
 waiting arms of the unknown ; the lights 
 of heaven faded, and the clouds slowly 
 melted into dusk. 
 
 The scene had stirred me as I am seldom 
 stirred, and with the oncoming of nigl t 
 new thoughts and feelings rose from their 
 lair, as strange and beautiful wild animal? 
 step from their caves into the deep mys- 
 tery of darkness. 
 
 My neighbor next door Mrs. Thrush, 
 sat on her broad, vine-clad gallery, rock- 
 ing her little child in her arms. By her 
 side sat her husband, with one arm thrown 
 across her lap. He had laid his paper 
 down, for the daylight was fading, and 
 perhaps his thought was too happy to 
 stoop to daily news. Softly the little wife 
 and mother sang; she had a sweet home 
 voice, and no music of orchestra ever 
 moved me as did her lullaby.
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 133 
 
 I was at that moment an intensely 
 lonely woman. I thought of Mr. Gregory 
 and my future, and still I was lonely. 
 
 Far away to the east there was a low, 
 long bank of clouds like a mountain range, 
 and as the poetry and melody of the lul- 
 laby rose from the little nest on my left, 
 and stole into my thought, I saw a faint light 
 above this line ; then a group of mist-like 
 clouds that moved toward me. Slowly the 
 gray haze, tinged with soft light, began 
 to resolve itself into shadowy forms, and 
 my heart stood still as, in some vague 
 way, I traced a connection between the 
 lullaby and the vision, and realized that a 
 message was coming to me. 
 
 I was perfect!} 7 calm, but with the calm- 
 ness which is the outgrowth of an excite- 
 ment so tense that it is still. As the vision 
 floated nearer, I heard soft music a croon- 
 ing, yearning, soul-satisfying lullaby; I 
 saw a little child, a mother, and a father. 
 The child was as beautiful as an angel, 
 and there was that in its face which
 
 134 How To Cook Husbands, 
 
 made my eyes flood with tears, and my 
 heart ache with yearning; the faces of the 
 parents were too vague for me to recog- 
 nize at first; then slowly, that of the 
 mother became more distinct, and I saw 
 myself before me myself, a wife and 
 mother; the visible answer to my heart's 
 deepest, most secret cry. Still the father's 
 face was hidden, but as the vision floated 
 by, he turned and looked at me the vision 
 wife with a look I had seen before, and I 
 uttered a cry as I recognized Randolph 
 Chance.
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 135 
 
 IX 
 
 As I cried out, I turned slightly and, for 
 a moment, lost the picture. It was 
 changed when again I saw it; Randolph 
 Chance was still there, but he no longer 
 advanced toward the vision wife she had 
 faded into mist; he came slowly toward 
 me. There was a beautiful look on his 
 face I cannot describe it it was too holy 
 to translate into language; but I could feel 
 it vibrate through my being until it set my 
 very soul a-quivering. I had no power of 
 resistance no wish to resist. I almost 
 think I went toward him, and he was as 
 real to me as if he were in the flesh. I 
 could feel him as he put his arm around 
 my waist, and his face touched mine. The
 
 136 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 vision child had melted awaj r ; and we two 
 were alone; I knew my heart then ; I knew 
 I loved this man. 
 
 It was all over in a few moments, but 
 such moments as make an eternity, for 
 they wipe out the past, even as death blots 
 out a life, and they open a door to the 
 future. Up to that time I had never 
 thought that, without my knowledge or 
 intent, my heart could slip from me had 
 never dreamed that I, whose life had al- 
 ways been most commonplace I. who had 
 had my share of wooing, but had never 
 felt an extra heart-beat because of it no, 
 never dreamed that I, this Z so practical 
 and sensible, could be carried off my feet 
 by a vision. A vision, was it? Yes. and 
 yet real, too real in some ways, since it re- 
 vealed my innermost thought. A vision ! 
 And yet, even now that it had melted into 
 air, I was clinging to it, and instead of 
 resenting its startling revelation of self, 
 was dwelling upon it, and in it, with a de- 
 light beyond words.
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 137 
 
 I sat there in my study, my head bent, 
 and my hands loosely clasped in my lap, 
 living it over and over again. Out of 
 doors, the soft gray dusk had hushed the 
 tired world in its arms. Within, the still- 
 ness of night had settled down upon the 
 room. By and by the moon rose above 
 the great waters of the lake, and on shore 
 the trees were casting silent, solemn shad- 
 ows, made visible by the soft, hazy light 
 that lay between them. Once in a while 
 a bird uttered its night cry, or some little 
 brooding note, and over on the vine-clad 
 gallery, Mrs. Thrush still crooned a lullaby 
 to her little child, who lay asleep soft and 
 warm, on her mother-breast. 
 
 I was no longer lonely, no longer shut 
 out from it all there was the bird on its 
 nest; the little wife and mother in her 
 home ; and I I was very near them akin 
 to them. I had seen myself in my home, 
 with my child, and my husband; I had 
 felt his dear arms about me, and his dear 
 face close to mine. I was no longer an
 
 138 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 alien. I, too, had a place in the heart of 
 another. 
 
 Still I sat and dreamed, and even the 
 ringing of my door-bell failed to rouse me : 
 but when I heard the maid say to someone : 
 
 "She has been downstairs to-night, but 
 I think she has gooa up now, an/ 3 I don't 
 like to call her, " 
 
 I started forward, saying quickly : 
 
 "No, I am here I will see any one " 
 
 And so he came in, but it was not tht 
 one I expected. It was Mr. Gregory. 
 
 I think that he found my embarrassment 
 on greeting him both gratifying and en- 
 couraging, but its cause was alien to his 
 thought. I was brought back from an- 
 other world, as it were, with a rude shock, 
 and in my enfeebled condition, consequent 
 upon a severe illness could not control my- 
 self. Indeed I did not feel that I was mis- 
 tress of myself at any time during the 
 evening. 
 
 After a word or two, which I cannot re 
 call, I stammered out :
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 139 
 
 "I was not expecting you this evening 
 I had not sent for you." 
 
 "I know that you have not," he an- 
 swered then dropping his voice a trifle, 
 he added, "I could not wait any longer I 
 found it difficult to wait so long as this. I 
 hardly dared hope that I might see you 
 this evening, but I felt I must try." 
 
 Intent upon sparing him the pain of a 
 spoken declaration, I exclaimed : 
 
 "Oh, Mr. Gregory, don't! please don't 
 say anything more. I am not deserving 
 of your esteem and kindness. " 
 
 He came nearer me, and his voice was 
 at once tender and reverent, as he said : 
 
 "You are more than worthy of what I 
 have to offer, which is myself, and all that 
 I have." 
 
 "Don't!" I cried again; "don't say any- 
 thing more ! Let us imagine this unsaid !" 
 
 "Such words can never be recalled," he 
 said gravely. 
 
 "They must be," I persisted; "I cannot 
 accept ! I have nothing to give in return !"
 
 140 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 A look of disappointment came over his 
 i *,ce, and if I mistake not, it was shaded 
 with displeasure. "I hardly expected 
 this, Miss Leigh, I have hardly been led to 
 expect this." 
 
 "I know what you mean, Mr. Gregory," 
 I replied, more calmly than I had spoken 
 before ; " I know that I have accepted your 
 attentions you have had every reason to 
 expect a different answer. I'll not try to 
 deceive you, or keep anything from 
 you. I'll tell you that I have not been 
 trifling. I have understood you for some 
 time " 
 
 He interrupted me here. 
 
 "Yes, you must have done so; my at- 
 tentions to you could have but one inter- 
 pretation, if I were a man of honor, and 
 you knew I was that. ' ' 
 
 "I did, indeed," I exclaimed. And 
 then my mind went, with a flash like 
 lightning, to Randolph Chance, and I felt 
 a sudden resentment. Had not he shown 
 me attentions that no man of honor can
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 141 
 
 bestow upon a woman, unless he wishes to 
 make her his wife? Why had he left me 
 in this strait? Why had he not spoken 
 out? Why had he not claimed before the 
 world that which he had taken such pains 
 to win? I was uncertain about Randolph 
 Chance ; I had never been uncertain about 
 Mr. Gregory. Why? Because I had per- 
 fect confidence in his honor. Was he not 
 the better man the more trustworthy? 
 Why could I not marry him? I loved an- 
 other man. A wave of shame and anger 
 swept my face. 
 
 "I have all along been expecting to 
 marry you. I have not been trifling, " I 
 cried out. 
 
 He stepped forward, and took my hand. 
 It was as cold as ice. 
 
 "What is it then, Constance, that has 
 changed you? Have I done anything 
 since your illness to make you think less 
 of me?" 
 
 I trembled from head to foot, and my 
 lips were so stiff and dry that they scarce
 
 142 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 would do my bidding. I must have 
 spoken very indistinctly. 
 
 "No no." I said slowly; "I will tell 
 you everything I have done you a wrong, 
 an unintentional wrong, but I will do pen- 
 ance I have seen myself to-night "' I 
 paused here ; Mr. Gregory was a practical 
 man; had I told him that a vision had 
 changed my attitude, he would have 
 thought me insane. I myself had begun 
 to entertain doubts as to my sanity. "I 
 know myself now," I faltered, "I know 
 my heart I love another man." 
 
 Mr. Gregory rose, and began pacing the 
 floor. 
 
 "This surprises me greatly," he said at 
 length; "there must have been another 
 courtship it would seem that you must 
 have known something of how matters 
 were tending." 
 
 "I have known nothing until to-night. 
 There has been no courtship, in the ordi- 
 nary acceptation of that word I'll tell you 
 all. even if it humbles me completely, as a
 
 How to Cook Husbands. 143 
 
 penalty for what I have done to you. Thp 
 man I love " I could feel the blood mant- 
 ling my face and neck, "has never ad- 
 dressed me." 
 
 Mr. Gregory paused, and looked at me. 
 
 "This is extraordinary," he said. 
 
 "It is I know it is it is most of all so 
 to me, for it is wholly unlike what I have 
 been all my life. " 
 
 "Let us not talk of this any more to- 
 night, Miss Leigh," he said, with evident 
 relief; "I have been wrong to press this 
 matter now, when you are hardly recov- 
 ered. You are not yourself. This is 
 something transitory, no doubt. Later on, 
 you may feel differently. " 
 
 "No, no!" I exclaimed eagerly, "now 
 that we have begun, let us say it all. 
 Don't I beg of you, don't go away with 
 a feeling that I don't know my mind. I 
 am weak and miserable to-night " here 
 the tears choked my voice, and I all but 
 broke down, "but I am miserable because 
 I have learned my true feeling, and know 
 that I must disappoint "
 
 1 4 t How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 I could not go on, and again he sat down 
 beside me and took my hand. 
 
 "1 cannot understand you," he said 
 simply. 
 
 "I can't understand myself," I replied; 
 "but all this is none the less real for that. 
 I have learned of it to-night, but it has ex- 
 isted before ; it explains many things in 
 the past year." 
 
 "If that is the case, then I must accept 
 your decision as final." 
 
 "It is, indeed," I answered briefly. 
 
 He rose, and walked the room in silence 
 again; then pausing once more, he said 
 calmly, and with no trace of anger. 
 
 "This is the disappointment of my life." 
 
 I said nothing. What could I say? To 
 utter any platitudes about being sorry, 
 would have been to insult him. 
 
 "A man cannot live to my age lam 
 fifty-two, Miss Leigh without experienc- 
 ing disappointment, but I have known 
 nothing equal to this." 
 
 He paced the room a few moments, and 
 then said :
 
 How To Cook Husbands* 145 
 
 "This interview must be distressing to 
 you. I am very sorry I brought it about 
 before you were strong and well." 
 
 "Say one thing before you go, Mr. 
 Gregory," I cried, "only say that you 
 don't think I have willfully misled you 
 say that you respect me still. " 
 
 His face was stirred by a slight quiver, 
 as a placid lake is stirred by an impulse of 
 the evening air. 
 
 "You have had, and you always will 
 have my deepest respect, and my deepest 
 affection." 
 
 He took my hand silently, and then 
 quietly left the room. 
 
 And I sat there until I heard the front 
 door close. Then I went upstairs, but I 
 remember nothing after reaching the first 
 landing. 
 
 They found me lying there. They said 
 I must have fainted.
 
 146 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 X 
 
 I WAS badly upset for several days. 
 For a time I resolutely put all thought 
 of what had occurred from my mind, 
 but as soon as I felt able, I sat down, with 
 the whole matter before me, as it were, 
 and deliberately looked it in the face. I 
 think I never felt more inane in my life 
 than when I remembered my folly, as I 
 now regarded it. All that saved me from 
 utter self-abasement was the fact that it 
 had occurred at a time when I was at such 
 a low ebb physically, by reason of illness. 
 I determined to try to forget it, as speedily 
 as possible. But, however keenly I felt 
 the humiliation and folly of my emotion
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 147 
 
 upon that strange night, it never occurred 
 to me to waver, when recalling my deci- 
 sion to bring matters between Mr. Gregory 
 and myself to an end. My refusal of him 
 had been brought about by one cause, and 
 only one that I fully realized ; and now 
 that I had repudiated the cause, I might 
 have been expected to reconsider the re- 
 fusal. But I did "not. 
 
 Soon after I was up and about once 
 more, I learned that my little friend had 
 not sent the flowers. I thought no, I did 
 not think! but I cherished secretly a 
 well, no ! I cherished nothing in secret or 
 in public! 
 
 I learned something else, soon after get- 
 ting up, and this was that a story was go- 
 ing the rounds to the effect that Mr. Greg- 
 ory had broken our engagement and my 
 d ! sappointment had well-nigh occas : ored 
 me a relapse. But in a twinkling, aln.cst 
 before I had time to get indignant, Mrs. 
 Catlin was running about, telling every- 
 body that Mr. Gregory had confided in
 
 148 How To Cook Husbands, 
 
 her, in strictest confidence, the truth of 
 the matter, which was that I had ended 
 the affair, and not he. 
 
 I was much moved by this manly act 
 on Mr. Gregory's part. He showed his 
 shrewdness, too; he could not announce 
 this in public, or go to people one by one, 
 so he confided it to Mrs. Catlin, and told 
 her not to tell. 
 
 One Sabbath evening about ten 
 o'clock, I began to lock up the house. 
 Early retirement is something all but un- 
 known to me, but that night, having no 
 particular reason for sitting up, I was 
 alout to indulge in it as a novelty. 
 
 I raised the shade of one of the study 
 windows, with intent to draw the bolt, but 
 my hand paused in the act, for my eyes 
 were captured by a scene of surpassing 
 beauty. Fall had lately swept her gor- 
 geous leaves one side, and closed her doors 
 for the season, and we were now standing 
 on the threshold of winter. The early 
 snows are apt to be soft and clinging; it is
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 149 
 
 later on, usually, when the thermometer 
 takes a plunge downward, that they be- 
 come crisp and hard. It is seldom, how 
 aver, at any time of year that the atmos- 
 pheric conditions are favorable to such a 
 creation as I beheld that night. I hardly 
 know just what is necessary to make it all 
 a still, moderate cold, and a very humid 
 air are among the most important condi- 
 tions, I believe. 
 
 When I stepped outside my door early 
 in the evening, the air all about me 
 seemed to be snow, not separated into 
 flakes, but diffused evenly. Altogether it 
 had the effect of a heavy white fog, and I 
 could see even then, that it was settling in 
 visible, palpable, feathery forms, not only 
 upon the ground, but upon every bush and 
 tree as well. It was a most unusual scene, 
 and I gazed at it long and admiringly ; but 
 having no fondness for walk-ing through 
 soft, -clinging snow, I was not enticed to 
 sally forth, as I always am when the 
 snow is firm and sparkling.
 
 150 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 But by ten o'clock the temperature had 
 changed, and in the cooler air the almost 
 imperceptible melting of the snow had 
 been stayed. 
 
 The white carpet that had slowly been 
 sinking, was now stationary, and was cov- 
 ered by a firm crust that gleamed in the 
 moonlight. There was no sparkle on the 
 trees, but the feathery tufts and pinions 
 had ceased floating to the ground, and 
 melting into air. The scene, in all its 
 matchless beauty, was arrested held upon 
 nature's canvas for a few hours, by the 
 Master hand. 
 
 Stay in doors that night! Would I be 
 so wicked as to turn my back, or close my 
 eyes upon one of the most delectable scenes 
 that ever a kind Providence spread before 
 the soul of human creature! Would I 
 deliberately slight such an exhibition of 
 love and marvelous skill? Not I ! 
 
 It didn't take me long to catch up hat 
 and jacket, and with a heart that beat 
 high, slip from my house, as a greyhound 
 slips the leash, and hie me away.
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 151 
 
 What mattered it that the neighborhood 
 lights were raised a story, at least and 
 that the owners of all the villas near at 
 hand, were preparing for decorous, tem- 
 porary retirement. I merely pitied them 
 for their stupidity, and went my way. I 
 had long been a law unto myself, and 
 while I did not believe in flaunting my in- 
 dependence in their faces, I none the less 
 continued to enjoy it. 
 
 There are nights when to sleep would be 
 the sin of an ingrate; 'twould be like gath- 
 ering up the good things of Providence, 
 and hurling them from out the window, in 
 reckless waste. And this night was such 
 a one. 
 
 The keen air, and the entrancing beauty 
 about me, seemed to run in a subtle, fas- 
 cinating torrent through my veins, and 
 lend me wings. I felt as though I were 
 buoyed up by magic hands; I hardly 
 think I set foot on ground the whole way, 
 and yet I must, for I was conscious of a 
 crisp crackle of the snow at every step.
 
 152 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 Oh, is there any sound just like it ! Could 
 our poor invalids but pitch their nostrums 
 over the wall, and take this tonic instead ! 
 
 Some friends of mine moved a while 
 ago and drove their family stake in a 
 spot far off from here. They are con- 
 tinually writing me of a region of per- 
 petual sunshine and summer. I thought 
 of them on this glorious night, and pitied 
 them from the depths of my heart, as I 
 often have, indeed, since they went 
 out there. Their 's is the place for the ex- 
 tremely indigent, no doubt, but for any 
 one who can command a dollar or so for 
 fuel, this this is the land of delight. 
 
 I was at no loss as to direction; our 
 suburb was beautiful throughout, especi- 
 ally all along by the lake, but there was 
 one place in particular, where art and na- 
 ture had joined hands, with a result inde- 
 scribable. Toward these grounds I has- 
 tened, on this particular night. 
 
 Oh, the glory of that moon ! the glory of 
 the lake! an undulating sea of waves,
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 153 
 
 each crested with a feather, as soft, as 
 snowy in the moonlight, as the tinier ones 
 that hung upon the trees. 
 
 I ran down the winding avenue the 
 white fog still lingered in the deep places, 
 but ahove, all was clear and glorious. 
 Erelong I entered the Dunham's grounds. 
 At a certain point, unmarked to the 
 stranger's eye, a rustic flight of stairs, now 
 strewn with dead leaves padded with 
 snow as well, to-night, dips down from 
 the broad driveway. Quickly I made my 
 way by this path, and erelong, stood 
 upon one of the little rustic bridges span- 
 ning the ravine, and connecting with a 
 similar flight of ascending stairs upon the 
 other side. There I paused, and well I 
 might. It were a dull, plodding creature 
 indeed, who would not be spellbound by 
 such a scene ! On either hand were the 
 sloping wooded sides of the ravine whose 
 depths were shrouded in the mysterious 
 whiteness of the fog ; above me, a short 
 distance in front, was the arch of the broad,
 
 154 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 picturesque bridge with which the drive- 
 way spans the hollow. The little rustic 
 bridge on which I stood was much lower 
 than the larger one ; hence, from my posi- 
 tion, I looked through the archway, be- 
 yond, down, and far along the ravine. Can 
 you call up fairyland to your mental eye? It 
 would pale before this scene those feath- 
 ery trees ! that enchanting vista ! I stood 
 there drinking it in, and pitying the sleep- 
 ing world. I could not, even in thought, 
 express my delight and gratitude for being 
 permitted to behold such beauty, but 
 finally a familiar line leaped from my lips : 
 
 ' ' Praise God from whom all blessings flow. " 
 
 I can never forget that night ; it kindled 
 and warmed my heart with a reverential 
 fire. If, in the course of years, my way 
 should be overcast ; if, for a time, I should 
 let the artificial the ignoble, clog the path, 
 and shut me out from the light of heaven, 
 even then I shall be saved from doubt, 
 which is always engendered by our stupid-
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 155 
 
 ity the things of our own manufacture 
 I shall be saved from doubt by the sweet, 
 pure, radiant memory of that winter, 
 moonlight scene. Only a beneficent God 
 could create such beauty.
 
 156 How To Cook Husbands, 
 
 XI 
 
 ON my way back at what dissipated 
 hour I firmly decline to state I passed a 
 home witb an interesting history tacked 
 thereto. 
 
 The leading events were brought me by 
 one of those active, inquisitive little birds 
 that find out all sorts of things, and often 
 fetch from great distances. 
 
 The couple who live there, though 
 Americans, once lived in Winnipeg, Mani- 
 toba, and it was in that place that the hus- 
 band fell to drinking. The little bird 
 above alluded to the bird that acts as a 
 kind of domestic ferret told me that, in 
 the early years of their married life, the
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 157 
 
 wife was of an excitable, hysterical tem- 
 perament, and given to making scenes. 
 Just here let me digress a moment to erect 
 a warning signboard. I have a friend 
 who is busy mixing and administering a 
 deadly draught to her domestic happiness, 
 and yet does not know it. She has only 
 been married a year, and she uses tears 
 and scenes, in general, as instruments to 
 pull from her husband the attention, affec- 
 tion, and devotion she craves. The tug 
 waxes increasingly hard, but she has not, 
 as yet, sense enough to see that, and de- 
 sist. She cannot realize that the success 
 attained by such methods is but the tem- 
 porary and external beauty, which, in 
 reality, covers a failure of the most hope- 
 less type, just as the flush on the consump- 
 tive's cheek is but a pitiable counterfeit, 
 and covers a fatal disease. 
 
 Whether in this particular story, the 
 report of the wife's early blunders be true 
 or false, there seems to be no doubt that 
 presently the husband grew careless and
 
 158 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 indifferent ; that scene followed scene be- 
 tween them, until at last he went to drink- 
 ing. Then the little wife waxed sober, 
 thoughtful, and studied much within her- 
 self. This awful sorrow, following so 
 closely upon the heels of her wedding-day 
 joy, matured her judgment her woman- 
 hood, and she began to use every skillful 
 device to call back her husband from the 
 dark paths he had chosen, to the light, 
 All in vain, however; and when she real- 
 ized this, after several years of heroic 
 effort, she made one last scene, and told 
 him she was going to leave him. Then 
 his old-time tenderness returned if you 
 can compare a tenderness which was 
 blurred and cringing, with that which was 
 clear and manly. He begged and promised 
 in vain, however, for she had lost faith, 
 and a lost faith is not found again for 
 many a day. 
 
 So she went off, and she covered all 
 traces and signs so carefully that no anx- 
 ious, heartbroken effort of his could find
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 159 
 
 her. Meanwhile she wrote him frequently 
 and regularly, and although he knew not 
 where to send reply, it is quite likely she 
 had word of him from some cne to whom 
 she had given her confidence in this dreary 
 time. 
 
 And so five years passed, and at their 
 close she walked into her home one day, 
 and her husband a man once more, took 
 her in his arms, and looked his love and 
 joy with clear, honest eyes. 
 
 They came to our city, or rather this 
 little suburb of our city, soon afterward, 
 and although it is well-nigh ten years now 
 that they have been among us, there has 
 never been a hint of trouble. Hers was a 
 unique method, but it brought about the 
 desired end. 
 
 Verily it would seem that for some din- 
 ners, it is best for the cook to vanish, and 
 leave the dishes to get themselves. 
 
 I was meditating on this as I walked 
 home that night, and the next morning, 
 stirred by the recollection of all I had seen
 
 160 How To Cook Husbands, 
 
 and felt, was moved to write out a story 
 given me by a young man a friend of 
 mine, who lives at a great distance from 
 here, on an olive ranch out of Los Gatos, 
 California. 
 
 I wish I could give you this little tale 
 just as he told it. I can't, I know, but I'll 
 do my best in trj'ing. 
 
 Mrs. Purblind dropped in just as I was 
 reading it over to myself, before my study 
 fire. 
 
 "Do you remember my story about 
 Duke?" I asked. 
 
 ''Yes, I liked it," she said, "though I'm 
 not very partial to dogs. " 
 
 "I have one here about horses. I've 
 written it out as nearly as possible as my 
 friend told it to me, but so much flavor is 
 lost when these things change hands. 
 Here it is, and I think that the lamenta- 
 tion David sang over Saul, might head it. 
 
 "A while ago we owned a couple of 
 horses work horses, and yet, by reason 
 of the strength of their affections, they
 
 IW To Cook Husbands. 161 
 
 were lifted from out the commonplace, 
 and enveloped with an atmosphere of ro- 
 mance that gave them the flavor of a story 
 book, plumb full of princes and heroes. 
 And by the way, Prince was the name of 
 one of them, and he was a genuine hero, 
 as you will see. His mate was called 
 Nelly, and albeit she was as awkward and 
 as angular as the ideal old maid, vastly 
 inferior to Prince, who was a fine-looking 
 chap, yet his admiration for her was un- 
 bounded. She cared for him, I'm sure, but 
 she was less demonstrative; more coquet- 
 tish, I would say, if she hadn't been too 
 homely a beast to think of, in connection 
 with such a word. 
 
 "They were brought up together ; were 
 taught by the same master; sat on the 
 same bench, in a figurative sense; were 
 lovers from the very first. Prince cer- 
 tainly had the most elegant manners; 
 Nelly was his first thought, at all times, 
 and his courtesy to her savored of the old 
 school. He wouldn't go into the shed of a
 
 162 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 cold, rainy day and leave Nelly outside; 
 but if she went in, he was more than con - 
 tent to follow. When it was necessary to 
 separate them we couldn't always work 
 them together we had to tie Prince with 
 ropes and cables, as it were, to hold him 
 fast. Nelly was less difficult to manage ; 
 at least, she would let him go out of sight 
 without fretting, and yet, after all, she 
 seemed easier if he were at hand. I re- 
 member, one day, he was tied in front of 
 the house, and she was loose, grazing near 
 by. As long as he could see her, all went 
 well enough, but the moment she saun- 
 tered around the fence, he began first to 
 fidget, then to paw and neigh, and finally 
 to struggle, until in the end, he broke loose 
 and rushed after his inamorata. And what 
 a time he made over her ! whinnying, and 
 demonstrating his delight in a dozen differ- 
 ent ways. She? oh, she took it coolly, but 
 that was all feminine bosh, or coquetry on 
 her part. She liked to have him near her 
 well enough.
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 163 
 
 "There was an amusing thing happened 
 one day, down in the field. Father and I 
 were plowing with Nell. We had tied 
 Prince to a tree, the other side of the knoll 
 we were working on, and supposed he 
 was fast, but to our surprise, just as we 
 turned, after finishing a long furrow, we 
 confronted the gentleman, tree and all, 
 standing before us in a weak and fainting 
 condition. He had struggled until he had 
 uprooted the whole business, and was so 
 used up in consequence, that he could 
 hardly stagger, much less go into his usual 
 hysterics over Nell. She looked as. amazed 
 as we did, and I've no doubt gave him a 
 sound curtain lecture on his folly that 
 night. 
 
 "One day father and Ned took Prince 
 down into the field. Steve and I stayed 
 up near the house, working around the 
 vineyard. Nelly was in the stable. 
 
 "The morning was half gone, when all 
 at once Steve happened to turn around, 
 and look down the hill.
 
 164 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 " 'Gosh, Jack!' he exclaimed, 'the barn's 
 afire.' 
 
 "I gave one startled look, and then ran 
 for the hose. 
 
 '"Get Nelly out!' I cried to Steve; but 
 after a second look, I called, 'No, don't 
 you do it ! Let her go ! it's too late !' 
 
 " 'I won't let her go!' he shouted; 'do 
 you think I'll stand by and see Nelly 
 burned to death !' 
 
 " 'You'd be a fool to go in now! Look 
 at that stable ! Here ! Stand back ! Have 
 you lost your wits?' 
 
 " 'Let me go!' he cried; 'Jack, get out 
 of the way !' 
 
 ' ' But I threw him down and held him. I 
 was bigger than he; older, and cooler- 
 headed too. 
 
 " 'There, I give in,' he said in a mo- 
 ment; 'it's wicked to lose time this way. 
 Let me up, Jack, and we'll get the hose. 
 I promise you I won't go in.' 
 
 "We ran for the hose, and turned on all 
 the water we could command, and by this
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 165 
 
 time mother and the servant girl had 
 come from the house, and were helping 
 us. 
 
 "We could hear Nelly struggling in her 
 stall, and I tell you it made us sick ! Un- 
 luckily we had chained her, in anticipation 
 of her trying to get loose, and go after 
 Prince. She'd never been left at home 
 this way before, and we'd taken extra 
 pains to secure her. 
 
 "The stable doors were fastened by a 
 heavy bolt; again and again I tried to 
 push it back, but it was so fiery hot I 
 couldn't touch it, and when I tried to ham- 
 mer it, the flames drove me off. 
 
 "There was nothing for it but to leave 
 poor Nelly to her fate. It seemed as if she 
 divined our intent, for, as we turned away, 
 she uttered a piercing scream. Mother 
 burst into tears. 
 
 " 'I can't stand it,' she said, covering 
 her ears. 
 
 "Again and again Nelly's voice rang out. 
 Steve stood there, his face drawn and 
 white. All at once he took out his watch.
 
 166 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 " 'It's twelve o'clock!' he cried; 'father'll 
 be home in a moment, and if Prince hears 
 Nelly he'll go mad. Head 'em off, Jack !' 
 
 "I didn't wait for another word, but ran 
 with all my might down the road by 
 which they always came. 
 
 "As fate would have it, they had chosen 
 the other one that day, and were well 
 along, before I caught sight of them. 
 Father had taken Prince out of the plow, 
 and harnessed him to a little single-seated 
 gig we had. He was driving him, and 
 Ned was walking behind. I saw Steve 
 running toward them, but he was still at 
 a distance. 
 
 "'Father.' I yelled at the top of my 
 voice, 'stop! father! the stable's on fire. 
 Turn Prince back. Nelly is burning !' 
 
 "Father didn't seem to understand, for 
 although he listened, he kept driving 
 slowly on. 
 
 "I shouted again, running toward them, 
 and gesticulating frantically. All at once 
 Ned caught my meaning, and bounding
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 167 
 
 like a deer in front of the gig, grabbed 
 Prince by the head to turn him, but at 
 that very moment a terrible scream from 
 poor Nelly split our ears, and in less time 
 than it takes to tell there was a maddened 
 horse plunging in midair, with four strong 
 men clinging to him, trying to hold him 
 back. 
 
 " 'Let him go, boys! Let him go!' 
 shouted father; 'it's no use! Let him go, 
 I tell you! He'll kill us all !' 
 
 '"Oh, God! I can't let the old fellow 
 burn up!' sobbed Steve. 
 
 "But Prince had begun to lay about him 
 with his teeth, and father knocked Steve 
 down to get him out of the way. 
 
 "I believe we all sobbed, as we watched 
 the old hero go up that hill and into the 
 stable ; Nelly was quiet now, and the doors 
 were down. 
 
 "We heard him groan once or twice, and 
 then mother came to meet us, and took us 
 all into the house. 
 
 "It's out yonder the monument we 
 put up. It's over both of them. "
 
 168 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 "Well, what has that horse story to do 
 with men?" asked a sneering voice, when I 
 had finished my little tale, and Mrs. Pur- 
 blind and I were sitting silent. 
 
 I turned, and to my astonishment and 
 disgust saw Mrs. Cynic, who had come in 
 quietly, unobserved by me, as I was read- 
 ing. 
 
 I should not have answered her a word, 
 but Mrs. Purblind thought to avert an 
 awkward situation, so she said : 
 
 "It illustrates the devotion of the mas- 
 culine nature, I suppose." 
 
 "In horses? Yes; it's a pity that it 
 hasn't been evoluted into men." 
 
 "It has," I answered curtly, "for those 
 who are capable of seeing and appreciat- 
 ing it." 
 
 This probably made her angry, for she 
 turned on me with her most evil expres- 
 sion: 
 
 "It's a mystery to me why, with your 
 overweening admiration for the other sex, 
 you haven't married, Miss Leigh. You
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 169 
 
 must have had countless opportunities; 
 child-like faith, such as yours, must be 
 very attractive to them. " 
 
 I stared at her a moment in silence ; her 
 insolence stupefied me. Then I think I 
 opened the nearest window, and pitched 
 her out. Mrs. Purblind insists I did not 
 do that, exactly, but that I got rid of her. 
 As she hasn't been in since, a desirable 
 result was obtained, and I don't much care 
 what the method may have been. 
 
 I aired my house the rest of the day, 
 having a wish to cleanse it, and protect 
 my moral nature, much as one would rid 
 a place of sewer gas, to protect the physi- 
 cal being. 
 
 I was not in a very good temper after 
 all this, and it annoyed me to see Ran- 
 dolph Chance coming in before taking his 
 train. He had been calling oftener than 
 usual of late, but he didn't seem to have 
 much to say, and so his coming gave no 
 especial pleasure. 
 
 To-day what talk we had ran on flowers
 
 170 How To Coofc Hosbandis. 
 
 for a time, when Mr. Chance, awkwardly 
 and out-of-placedly, asked me how I liked 
 the Reve cTor rose. This was the kind of 
 rose I had received every morning, during 
 my illness. 
 
 I looked at him inquiringly. I confess 
 my heart was beating faster. 
 
 He flushed, and said abruptly : 
 
 "You must have known I sent you 
 those." 
 
 "I did not," I answered rather coldly; 
 "there was no card or note with them." 
 
 "I thought you'd know," he said with 
 increasing embarrassment; and then he 
 added, almost desperately, "you must 
 know, Constance, that I love you." 
 
 "I know nothing/' I replied, drawing 
 myself up haughtily; "I take nothing of 
 this kind for granted. If you want me to 
 understand, you must come out openly. " 
 
 "I have done enough, surely." he said, 
 "enough to lead you to guess the truth." 
 
 "I guess nothing of this sort!" I reiter- 
 ated; "what right have you to place me in
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 171 
 
 this position? What right have you, or 
 any other man to deprive a woman of one 
 of her dearest privileges that of being 
 wooed?" 
 
 "Constance!" he cried, and all his em 
 barrassment was gone, "aren't there a 
 thousand ways of saying 'I love you?' and 
 haven't I said it in every way but one?" 
 
 "That one was the most important of 
 all," I answered; "I would have given 
 more to hear those words than to receive 
 every other token. " 
 
 His face lighted up with a sudden flash, 
 and he started impulsively toward me. 
 
 "Then you do love me, my darling I 
 have hardly dared to hope." 
 
 But I drew back, and answered pas- 
 sionately, 
 
 "No, I do not! I love no man who can 
 trifle with ii young girl, or any woman 
 no man who has the effrontery to expect 
 some one to take for granted a courtship 
 that has never existed !" 
 
 "For Heaven's sake, what do you mean?"
 
 172 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 "Go to Miss Sprig and inquire; she has 
 more reason to take your love for granted 
 than I." 
 
 "I'll not go to her, but I shall leave 
 you," he said, with a white face. "You 
 certainly don't care for me, or you would 
 never deal me such an unjust thrust as 
 this." 
 
 And then I heard him close the front 
 door. I think the neighborhood heard 
 him. 
 
 I walked to the window. He was gone. 
 
 I told myself I was glad of it that a 
 good lesson had been taught. 
 
 Which of us was teacher remained 
 somewhat obscure.
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 173 
 
 XII 
 
 IT might reasonably be supposed that 
 the event last narrated disturbed my life. 
 It did in a measure, and for a time, but I 
 was not very long in bringing it back to its 
 accustomed channel. 
 
 Strange as it may seem, although we 
 lived across the street from one another, I 
 saw nothing of Mr. Chance for many 
 weeks. Perhaps it is not strange though, 
 after all, since each of us was taking 
 pains to avoid the other, and we knew 
 each other's habits of life pretty well by 
 this time. 
 
 But if I didn't see him, I heard of him 
 frequently enough, for Mrs. Purblind
 
 174 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 rarely ever met me without saying some- 
 thing about "Dolph," as she called him. 
 She was exceedingly fond of him. and 
 with good cause, for he was a most affec- 
 tionate, thoughtful, unselfish brother. He 
 was very different from her, and they 
 were not confidential friends, when serious 
 matters were concerned, but they were 
 companionable, nevertheless. 
 
 It is not likely Mrs. Purblind realized 
 that she was shut out from something that 
 deeply concerned her brother; but she 
 worried about him. She was certain he 
 was ill he had little appetite, and was in 
 no way like himself, she said. Miss Sprig 
 wondered what had come over him. 
 
 I believe Mrs. Purblind must have been 
 deaf as well as blind, otherwise the neigh- 
 borhood gossip regarding Mr. Chance and 
 myself, which was rife a year ago, would 
 certainly have reached her. Evidently she 
 had heard nothing, and she continued to 
 keep my innermost breast in a secret fer- 
 ment, by pouring her fears and specula-
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 175 
 
 tions into my ear. She even confided in 
 me that she had for a long time suspected 
 the existence of an affair between Miss 
 Sprig and her brother, but this young 
 woman declared that he never paid her the 
 slightest attention of a matrimonial char- 
 acter; that he'd been very kind to her, 
 very jolly, and friendly, but that was all. 
 
 I think that if Mount Vesuvius had 
 leaped out of me, and taken its departure, 
 I could scarce have felt more relieved. I 
 really had been harboring a volcano for 
 some time, and it was a hot tenant. 
 
 Shortly after hearing 'this latter piece of 
 Mrs. Purblind's news, another bit was 
 added. 
 
 "Dolph has gone away," she said, one 
 day; "left suddenly, this morning. He 
 confessed to being played out, and I'm 
 sure he looks it. He's gone on to Buffalo, 
 to brother Dave's. " 
 
 That night I sat down and wrote a let- 
 ter; when one has done wrong, his first 
 conscious act should be to confess.
 
 176 How To Cook Husbands, 
 
 I was in a trying position ; one is at such 
 a time. Two months had elapsed, and 
 Mr. Chance might have changed his mind 
 and intent. Men do, occasionally ; women, 
 too. And indeed he never had asked me 
 to marry him. True, that is the supposi- 
 tion when a man, with any real manhood 
 about him, tells a woman he loves her 
 when he shows her marked attentions, in 
 fact ; but, as I said to Mr. Chance, I did not 
 intend to take such things for granted. I 
 had not changed in that respect. I had, 
 however, become convinced that I was 
 harsh and unjust to him. It is a blunder- 
 ing teacher who takes badness in a child 
 for granted does not wait for proof. It 
 is an inspired teacher who ignores the bad 
 sometimes, even after it has been proven. 
 To think the worst, so some of the psychol- 
 ogists tell us, will often create the worst. 
 Even a cook does well to make the most 
 of her materials. Her dishes will be likely 
 to turn out ill, if she treats the ingredients 
 with disrespect. It would seem that I,
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 177 
 
 who had in a manner made a specialty of 
 matrimonial cookery, had something yet 
 to learn. Randolph Chance had given me 
 a lesson. 
 
 In my letter, I said that time and 
 thought had shown me I had done him a 
 wrong, and that I was very sorry; that, 
 no doubt, he had changed in some feelings, 
 and it was, perhaps, not likely we should 
 meet very soon ; but that I wished him to 
 know I realized my mistake, and that I 
 was still his friend. 
 
 The second day after I had written, I 
 heard from him ; our letters were penned 
 the same night, and must have crossed 
 each other. In his he said he had held off 
 as long as he could, but was coming right 
 back from Buffalo to see me. He was 
 certain he could explain everything ; he had 
 nothing to hide, and he hoped I would let 
 him tell me what was in his heart; that 
 for months he had known but one real 
 wish, one real aspiration to win me for 
 his wife. He begged me to let him begin
 
 178 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 anew, and make an effort to attain this 
 great end. 
 
 That evening, in the gloaming, I was at 
 my study window. I could look into the 
 parlor of the Thrush home. A shadow 
 had fallen upon that dear nest ; one of the 
 little birdies had flown away, but it was 
 now forever sheltered from all storms in 
 the dear Christ's bosom, so all was well. 
 The gentle little mother was nearly crushed 
 at first, even more so than the father, 
 though he felt the loss deeply; but erelong 
 she lifted her sweet face, and smiled 
 through her tears. And now, at the end 
 of two weeks, she was to her husband, at 
 least, as cheerful as ever, even more ten- 
 der, and she made the home as bright as 
 before. So many women are selfish in 
 their grief, unwise too. They act as if 
 their husbands were aliens, and did not 
 share the sorrow. It is true the man usu- 
 ally recovers sooner than the woman 
 from such a blow, but no one should blame 
 him for that. His nature is different, nee-
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 179 
 
 essarily different; not in kind, but in de- 
 gree. It has to be ; his is the outside bat- 
 tle; he must needs be rugged. But "a 
 man's a man for a' that," and the woman 
 who shuts him out in the hour of bereave- 
 ment, or who darkens the home continu- 
 ously, and overcasts its good cheer, is both 
 selfish and foolish. In such cases husband 
 and wife are parted, instead of being 
 brought nearer to one another, as they 
 should be when they have a little ambas- 
 sador in the court of Heaven. 
 
 My heart was very tender that evening, 
 and as I sat beside the glowing fire, before 
 the lamps were lighted, my thoughts ran 
 to Mrs. Purblind. The poor little woman 
 had seemed sad of late, and I guessed, 
 without word from her, that it was be- 
 cause her husband was going out so much 
 at night. I did wish she could see some 
 things as they really were. 
 
 She sat there with me that evening in 
 spirit, at least, on the opposite side of the 
 fireplace, and her mournful face touched 
 me deeply.
 
 180 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 "He doesn't seem to care for his home," 
 she said sadly. 
 
 "Make him care for it. Man is a 
 domestic animal. If he doesn't stay at 
 home, something is wrong. " 
 
 "I do all I can," she answered in a dull 
 tone. 
 
 "No doubt you do now," I said; "but 
 learn more, and then you will improve." 
 
 "I was locking over some trunks in the 
 attic to-day, and I came across my wed- 
 ding gown. It called up so much! I 
 can't get over it " and she sobbed aloud. 
 
 I couldn't speak just then. The tears 
 were too near. 
 
 "Oh, when first I wore that gown, how 
 happy I was, and how I looked forward to 
 the future ! Everything was bright then, 
 but now it's so changed that I'd hardly 
 know it was the same it isn't the same 
 I'm not the same, either 
 
 Here she broke down again. 
 
 I leaned over, and laid my hand on hers. 
 You know she wasn't really there; the
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 181 
 
 real Mrs. Purblind seldom talked over her 
 affairs with me, but I could feel what she 
 was suffering, none the less. 
 
 'I want to tell you something, if I 
 may," I said. 
 
 She assented in a dumb sort of fashion, 
 and I leaned a little nearer. 
 
 The firelight gleamed on the walls, and 
 in its glow the pictures looked down 
 kindly upon us. Soft shadows rested in 
 the corners of the room, and an air of 
 peace and comfort brooded throughout, as 
 a bird upon her nest. 
 
 "Think a little while," I said gently; 
 "think of his side. Is he quite the same 
 as he was when he married?" 
 
 "Oh, no!" she exclaimed; "he was so 
 loving and attentive then. " 
 
 "Had he any hopes and plans? En- 
 thusiasm? Did life look bright to him?" 
 
 A serious look traversed her face, as 
 though she were entertaining a new 
 thought. 
 
 "Look at him as he used to be," I con- 
 tinued.
 
 182 How To Cook Husband 
 
 And as I spoke, she saw that a young 
 man with a fresh, sunny face a healthy, 
 happy, care-free face was sitting in the 
 ruddy firelight. 
 
 She gave a start. 
 
 "That is Joe as he used to be!" she 
 said. "Oh, how he's changed!" 
 
 Even as she spoke, the young man 
 faded away, and an older man much 
 older, apparently, careworn, and unhappy- 
 looking took his place. 
 
 The coals in the glowing grate sank, 
 and the bright light suddenly died. A 
 deep shadow rested upon the figure beside 
 us; he was with us, and yet seemed so 
 alone. 
 
 "Who would think a man could change 
 that way in ten years!" exclaimed Mrs. 
 Purblind; "would you believe it possible?" 
 
 "Not unless he had known many disap- 
 pointments, and borne loads and cares 
 beyond his years. I have never thought 
 of that," she murmured, "I believe poor 
 Joe has been disappointed too."
 
 How To Cook Husbands* 183 
 
 "He certainly has." 
 
 "It's too bad, and there's no help for it 
 now," she added with a sob. 
 
 "Don't say that," I urged, laying my 
 hand on hers again; "you close the gate of 
 heaven when you say 'no hope.' There is 
 always hope as long as there is a spark of 
 life any physician will tell you that. If 
 you can be patient be strong to bear, and 
 wait if you can make home bright, and 
 not care, or not seem to care if he slights 
 it and you, for weeks months, maybe 
 years it takes so much longer to undo, 
 than to do there is every hope. He 
 couldn't do this, but a woman a real 
 woman, is strong enough, with God on 
 her side. " 
 
 The dullness left her face, and an unself- 
 ish light dawned in its place. As she rose 
 to go, she leaned over the other figure, 
 and he looked up at her, with something 
 of the old-time love. 
 
 I replenished the fire after they had gone 
 they went out together and as I sat
 
 184 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 there thinking of it all, I heard a sudden 
 rushing sound in the street. 
 
 I ran to the door, just in time to see a 
 farm wagon, drawn by two strong horses, 
 go pell-mell past my house, and overturn, 
 as the frightened animals dashed around 
 the corner. The neighborhood was agog 
 in a moment, and I joined the rest in try- 
 ing to help the occupants of the broken 
 vehicle. We brought them into the house 
 the man and woman and a little 
 child. 
 
 As soon as they were in the light, I 
 knew them ; they were some of my people 
 a German family, by the name of Abra- 
 ham, who lived on a little farm just out- 
 siJe our suburb. They had been to me 
 typical representatives of a stupid class, who 
 have all the hardships of life, and none of 
 its soft lights and shades. They were the 
 kind that plant their pig-sty on the lake 
 side of their house put the pig-sty betwixt 
 them and every other beauty, it seemed to 
 me. What can life hold for such people?
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 185 
 
 They know nothing of love, or any other 
 joy. Merely an animal existence is theirs. 
 
 We fetched a doctor as speedily as pos- 
 sible the parents were merely bruised, 
 but the little child was badly hurt. At 
 first we feared she was dying, and it was 
 a relief to be told that she would probably 
 live. 
 
 I went out of the room to get some ban- 
 dages, and the doctor followed me. Re- 
 turning suddenly, I ran upon an unex- 
 pected scene; up to that time, before us 
 all, the parents had seemed perfectly stolid ; 
 but just as I opened the door, the wife and 
 mother rose from her knees by the bed, 
 and I have seldom seen a look more ex- 
 pressive of tender love than that with 
 which her husband took her in his arms. 
 
 We have many things to learn in the 
 next world ; one of these, I am sure, will 
 be, not to judge by the life upon the sur- 
 face. There is a deep fount of feeling be- 
 neath, and often it is those whom we least 
 suspect, who dip down into it.
 
 186 How To Cook Husbands. 
 
 I was still busy with these people, when 
 Randolph Chance walked in upon me. 
 His kind heart needed no prompting to 
 join in our little attentions, and he was of 
 especial use in getting a vehicle to take the 
 family home. 
 
 After they had gone, and we found our- 
 selves alone, a great embarrassment seemed 
 to seize him in a fatal grasp. 
 
 By and by I realized that I was reallj 
 getting incensed, and I was afraid I should 
 soon be in the position of the man who 
 went to another, whom he had ill-treated, 
 to apologize for his bad conduct, and, "By 
 Jove, sir" to use his own phrase, "I hit 
 him again." 
 
 I tried to keep my letter before my eyes. 
 I didn't want to be forced by that inexora- 
 ble tyrant conscience to write another. 
 And I should, if I didn't hold on to my- 
 self, and this man didn't behave differently. 
 
 To avoid a clash, I set to work to clear 
 away some of the confusion consequent 
 upon the accident, and he helped me in 
 this.
 
 How To Cook Husbands. 187 
 
 One would suppose that- might serve to 
 cool him, and it did indeed, to such an ex- 
 tent that, upon our settling down again, he 
 began the most common-place conversa- 
 tion, giving me some incidents of his trip; 
 discussing the scenery; weather; popula- 
 tion, and general aspects of Buffalo; with 
 much more of the dryest, most disagreeable 
 stuff, that a man ever had the temerity to 
 use, as a means of wasting a woman's 
 evening. 
 
 To employ a childish phrase it best fits 
 the occasion I grew madder and madder, 
 until at last matters within me rose to 
 such a height, that when he began to tell 
 of his brother's house in Buffalo, and to 
 dwell upon the peculiarities of its furniture, 
 I felt peculiar enough to hurl all of mine at 
 him. 
 
 The number of things I thought of that 
 evening would form a library of energetic 
 literature. Among other resolves, I deter- 
 mined from that day on, if I lived till my 
 hair whitened lived till I raised my third
 
 188 How To Cook Husbands, 
 
 or fourth crop of teeth, never, never, to give 
 Randolph Chance another thought. There 
 was one comfort : he did not know, nor did 
 any one else, what a complete goose I had 
 made of myself; but, though I had been 
 most foolish, thanks to a sober, Puritanic 
 ancestry, I still had myself in hand ; my 
 hysterics had been occasional and secluded, 
 and I was not wholly gone daft. I could 
 recover; I would! and then, if ever he 
 came to my feet, he would learn that some 
 things don't rise, after once they are cold. 
 
 I was calm enough when he at last de- 
 cided to go, and instead of running on ex- 
 citedly, as I had been vaguely conscious of 
 doing part of the evening, I really con- 
 versed. Indeed, to speak modestly, I 
 think I was rather interesting. I had 
 forgotten what he had called for. So had 
 he apparently. 
 
 All I hoped was that he did not intend 
 to bore me with frequent repetitions of this 
 call. I had better use for my evenings 
 than such waste of t' ^e as chatting with
 
 How to Cook Husbands. 189 
 
 him. I cast about me for some suitable 
 excuse to shut off future inflictions, and at 
 last hit upon one that I thought might 
 answer. 
 
 "I suppose I must sacrifice myself for a 
 while," I said cheerfully; "I have had a 
 deal of business swoop down upon me, and 
 in order to dispatch it, must shut myself 
 up for a time, and forego the joys of 
 society. " 
 
 Instantly his old embarrassment came 
 back upon him, as a small boy's enemy 
 supposed to be vanquished darts around 
 the corner, and renews the attack. 
 
 He started to go; came back; returned 
 to the door; again came back; colored 
 vividly looked at me imploringly. And 
 as I looked at him my anger, my coldness 
 all vanished, and I exclaimed : 
 
 "Randolph Chance, why don't you say 
 it!" 
 
 "Some things are awfully hard to say. 
 I can write Oh Constance ! you might 
 have mercy on me !"
 
 190 How to Cook Husbands, 
 
 "Well," I said, laughing I could al- 
 most see the light upon my face "I sup- 
 pose you want me to marry you. " 
 
 "You can't get away now!" he cried, a 
 second later. 
 
 The walls heard a much - smothered 
 voice 
 
 "I don't want to." 
 
 Now this little scene, I suppose, is what 
 makes Randolph always say I proposed to 
 him. This remark, oft repeated, some- 
 times under very trying circumstances, is 
 his one disagreeableness. But I let it pass 
 without comment, for I realize it is the 
 spout to the kettle, and I am thankful that 
 the steam has so safe and harmless an out- 
 let. If I were to boil him too hard, he 
 would probably overflow, and dim the fire ; 
 but I am very cautious, and love still 
 burns with a clear, bright flame. 
 
 THE END.
 
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