available by Internet Archive (https://archive.org) Note: Images of the original pages are available through Internet Archive. See https://archive.org/details/donkeyelephantgo00pres Transcriber's note: Text enclosed by underscores is in italics (_italics_). Text enclosed by equal signs is in bold face (=bold=). THE DONKEY, THE ELEPHANT AND THE GOAT At A Public Meeting by J. P. BUSCHLEN Price Twenty-five Cents * * * * * * _ANNOUNCEMENT_ This playlet, by virtue of its simple rime, may perhaps claim a small share of that license granted to poets, in assuming that the Goat may at this early stage of the game be taken as an emblem of the Farmers' and Workers' political party, which is unfortunately not as yet quite a fact, nationally. The right to present this discussion as a play, for purposes of raising money, may be obtained only by writing to the author, in care of Box 1625, Great Falls, Montana. The right to present it free of charge, by way of assisting the farm and labor movement, is hereby granted everyone who is in possession of a copy of the printed booklet. THE AUTHOR. Great Falls, Montana, August, 1920. (Price Twenty-Five Cents.) * * * * * * Copyright, 1920, by J. P. Buschlen For Sale at Box 1625, Great Falls, Mont. The Donkey, the Elephant and the Goat _At A Public Meeting_ By J. P. Buschlen ELEPHANT You see me here, an elephant, A symbol of the mighty-- DONKEY The while you listen to his cant Remember he is flighty.... I come to you, a donkey wise, With pedigree unlowly-- ELEPHANT Beware this fellow's sleepy eyes And manner smooth and holy.... As Barnum used to say to me When oft we strolled together, "The people seem to like to be Led round upon a tether." And so, I see, I've got to speak With these unwholesome creatures, Since you, dear folks, have been so weak As to invite such preachers. DONKEY If I may but inject a word, I think it most plebe'an To class me with a goat. Absurd! GOAT A mule is always mean. ELEPHANT When P. T. bade me fond adieu, Good people, I departed To where I could be serving you More whole-and-single hearted; I packed my grip and trumpeted The news of my arrival, That you might follow where I led And join a great revival. DONKEY His boastful manner ill becomes A thing of such proportions. ELEPHANT I made this land a world of homes-- GOAT And laws with strange contortions. DONKEY I do not wish to interpose, But, sir, you are addressing A body whom we may suppose Would call your death a blessing. If you could boast a lineage Like mine, you might be pardoned For occupying all the stage And holding views so hardened. GOAT I'm glad I'm but a simple goat With humble beard and frocking; My people were of little note-- ELEPHANT I think, sir, I was talking. And I would have it understood That I will put my prestige Against a Southern neighborhood, Or aught of Southern vestige. Besides, if Noah didn't lie, The morning he went arking, My wife and family and I Were also there, embarking. I'd grudge the honor to a goat, But this presumptive donkey, Although he gets the southern vote, Descended from a monkey. GOAT In view of what I've done to you I forego the distinction Of being dragged the ages through From ape to near-extinction. ELEPHANT If I would seem, as Mule implies, Inclined myself to flatter, Is not some credit due to size And to a good standpatter? Has not the jungle that I rule Been growing more efficient? Go ask most any knave or fool And get you proof sufficient! DONKEY You seem the fact to quite ignore, You tusky, trunky sinner, That I have been in power; what's more Will be again the winner. GOAT Come now, we'll get nowhere with this-- Why not attack the issue, And tell the people how it is We're made of diff'rent tissue? DONKEY We are indeed, and that's a fact For which I'm truly grateful; ELEPHANT And so I am, to be exact. (Aside to D.) This goat is very hateful. DONKEY Your challenge, Goat, do I accept. I represent a party Which never through the years has slept And still is hale and hearty. GOAT How could it sleep when both its eyes Were flirting with the bosses? May not you later realize Your gains were often losses?... ELEPHANT If I may say a word or two About this great Republic: The party I have given you Has made it's actions public; No secret has it e'er denied The masses it protected. GOAT So ably has the rascal lied, The ass is quite dejected. ELEPHANT The best of old New England blood Within its veins is flowing; Its sons have fought for every good-- GOAT Old grafter in the "showing." ELEPHANT When donkeys in the cotton states Were riding on the niggers We cancelled all their riding dates-- GOAT And made them all blind-piggers. ELEPHANT We built a mighty commonwealth Against great opposition, Improving faith and moral health-- DONKEY And fostering sedition! I think it's time for me to speak, In patriotic phrases: To sit in silence here were weak, The while himself he praises. The party that I represent And have the voice and manner To here so faithfully present, Has carried high its banner. From fine old Southern gentle stock Its stalwarts have arisen-- GOAT To better populate the dock, The army and the prison. DONKEY We would have won the Civil War-- GOAT Had Palmer then existed-- DONKEY But several southerners were for The armies that resisted. For office we have never run A man who lacked in breeding, As these Republicans have done, Their low traditions heeding. And did not we, the Democrats, Win out against the German, When all the world was dogs and cats--? GOAT And soldiers fought the vermin? ELEPHANT Good donkey, we have had enough Of your election wheezing; Besides, that ancient family-stuff Has got the goat, here, sneezing-- And when a thing's too strong for one So strong for Townley jingo, I think it time that you had done With your disgusting lingo. GOAT Again I beg to urge you two That you confine your phrases To what you've done and aim to do To earn the people's praises. ELEPHANT I've done as much as one could wish Since Wilson ruled the nation-- DONKEY He shows the judgment of a fish In his absurd inflation. ELEPHANT All eyes are fixed on me, I say, Nor will I disappoint them; With thanks will I their faith repay-- GOAT And oily words anoint them. ELEPHANT I'll bring back Lincoln from the grave, Converting all the Palmers; The world for business will I save-- GOAT And jail the blasted farmers. DONKEY When I again am called to reign, As I will be this autumn, I'll show you men of brawn and brain-- GOAT Obeying them who bought 'em. DONKEY I'll rule with e'en a firmer hand Than you have seen me doing, And make the alien understand-- GOAT His blood requires blueing.... Now look here, boys, the audience Is patiently awaiting A dozen facts, a little sense-- You've done enough bull-baiting. Give them the thing you're standing for-- They're standing for aplenty!-- DONKEY I'd like to now discuss the war-- ELEPHANT He rambles on like Henty! DONKEY We showed the flag to every land, We swept the boundless ocean, And yet we never showed our hand, Nor truckled to emotion. We made the foreigner behave, The mighty and the small; and We sent the Kaiser to his grave-- GOAT I thought he was in Holland? DONKEY We made the pacifists obey Our able war-directors, And handled things without delay-- GOAT Especially war-objectors. ELEPHANT We grant you this to brag about, But when our party's saddled We'll give you ample room for doubt-- GOAT On issues ably straddled. ELEPHANT I think you'll then admit that while You did what you were able, You lacked our more successful wile In keeping business stable. GOAT Your windy generalities Have left the country gasping-- DONKEY He's started in again to wheeze! ELEPHANT His voice is very rasping! GOAT You've camouflaged the issue, boys, As people are perceiving, With waving flags and vocal noise-- ELEPHANT (To D.) His whiskers are deceiving! GOAT The cry is for a loaf of bread-- You offer but a promise; The methods you employ are dead-- DONKEY (To E.) He'd take our living from us! GOAT You're living in a day gone by, Oblivious of the present, While women weep and children die-- ELEPHANT He's getting most unpleasant! GOAT The world is full of concrete needs, And this land's no exception, Of problems that will yield to deeds But never to deception. I've sat here list'ning to the views That you have ventilated: Now maybe for the sake of news You'll hear =my= doctrine stated? DONKEY I cannot see how anything A billygoat might proffer Could any new idea bring? ELEPHANT 'Tis not a legal offer. DONKEY And while about it might I say, I fail of comprehending Just why this meeting here today Has been so condescending As to invite, with you and me, Dear tusky friend, this creature So lacking in camaraderie And so uncouth of feature! ELEPHANT Indeed I cannot but agree, Dear Donkey, with your premise, And much I doubt that you should see =Me= weeping at his demise. GOAT Are these the gentlemen we saw So recently atussle, Inventing words, within the law, Each other's goat to hustle? How strange that at a word of mine They swing around together? You will, perhaps, recall a line That mentions "birds o' feather." DONKEY The atmosphere is getting close-- Will some one draw the curtain? ELEPHANT (Whispering) I wonder does he just suppose, Or does he know for certain? GOAT If I'm beyond your courtesy, I still have vocal powers, So lend those mighty ears to me For half a dozen hours. I know that I am but a goat All battered by the weather, But in this land I have a vote, And I won't sell it, ne'ther! I represent a class of men And women who have struggled Against the tide, while you have been "Retained" and dined and--juggled. While you and yours have raked the gold We've raked the burning stubble; While we lay frozen in the cold You froze our chances double. We went to you for years and years In bitter anguish pleading: You answered us with silent jeers And left us bruised and bleeding. As long as mortals could endure We stood your joint oppression, And then we sought and found a cure-- Which now is your obsession. DONKEY A cure, he says, a cure--ha! ha! He means to say affliction! ELEPHANT A goat can only bunt and bah, Its wisdom is a fiction! GOAT You see, you will not challenge me, You merely hurl invective; You fear the home-made guns that we Have turned on our objective. We Well, be it so, I still can speak, As long as ears will listen, And give you facts to fill your beak, O birds I cannot christen! Where I was born we give the farms And homes to those who need them; We have a method that disarms The man who would misdeed them. We make the law the advocate Of common people, mainly, By placing it =beneath= the state, Where it can serve humanely. We guard the tiller of the soil Before the speculator; The man who lives on others' toil We count a second-rater. The state is servant to the mass-- I don't go much on Nietzsche, And so the Elephant and Ass Are anxious to impeach me! But where, O symbols of the wise In statesmanship and honor, Were nations ever known to rise Who catered to a donor? What people ever reached the heights Of art and all we cherish, By local threats and foreign fights? Their fate is but to perish! The only thing that made this land As great as we have found it, Was justice to whatever band Saw fit to cluster round it. Our fathers met them at the shore, The stranger and wayfarer, And gave them all they asked, and more-- Became their burden-bearer. But now how different it is! The timid voice that raises A feeble cry for what is his Gets hustled off to Blazes! DONKEY He very much exaggerates, And what atrocious wording! ELEPHANT He merely bellows, bahs and bleats-- A habit formed in herding. GOAT The workers that I represent Are not of one vocation, But every one who earns a cent Has there an invitation. The platform that we stand upon Is not a sheet of paper, A speech about the rosy dawn, A song of purple vapor; You'll find it in the farmer's home, And on the worker's table, Where mortgagers would like to come-- If only they were able. You'll find it in the common school, The mine, the shop, the kitchen, And where the wheat's begun to stool, And Hi the Ford is hitchin'. You'll find it, Brother Elephant, In frigid North Dakota, Where "Frazier, Ladd and Townley can't Affect us one iota!" You'll find it, Donkey, on the flood, If you've a will to find it, And if your promises are good You'll get right in behind it! DONKEY (To the Elephant) The interview is at an end So far as I'm concerned. ELEPHANT (To the Donkey) And as for me, my dearest friend, The meeting is adjourned. (Donkey and Elephant shake hands and go offstage together.) GOAT Good citizens, the hour is late, And you are doubtless tired; I leave you to your bitter fate, Since Jack and Jill retired. But may I urge before you go: Preserve that sense of humor, For often it will serve to show The folly of a rumor! A laugh will often kill a lie, Where sermons fail completely; So let us laugh until we die-- And even then smile sweetly. * * * * * * Transcriber's note: The cover image was created by the transcriber and is placed in the public domain. Accentuation, punctuation and spelling as per the original text.