University of Virginia Library
BJ2121 .S6 1879
ociety small talk; or, What t

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teLIBRARY OF THE
UNIVERSITY OF VIRGINIA

GIFT OF

 

DR. WILBUR P. MORGAN
OF BALTIMORESOCIETY SMALLOns

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a rerSOCIETY SMALL TALK

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WEIEA T TO). SAV. AND WHEN ToO SAY EP

BY

A MEMBER OF TA ART

AUTHOR OF ** MANNERS AND TONE

STOCRACY

OF GOOD society,”

 

SECOND EDITION

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BEDFORD STREET, STRAND. WS Po Se‘LONDON:
BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS.

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THE aim of this little work is to place
before the public in a light, bright, sketchy
manner, suggestions for making Society Small-
Talk. Hints have therefore been given in
these pages as to What should be said under
certain circumstances, and What should not
be said, and how that in making agreeable
small-talk it is not necessary to strain after
originality, but rather to treat an every-day
topic in such a way that original ideas,
original remarks, and therefore original small-
talk must sooner or later be evolved from 1t.
This has been illustrated as far as possible by

fragmentary dialogues, treating of a varietyvi Preface.

 

of subjects applicable to the situation of the
moment.

To those who are silent when in society,
not because they consider that ‘‘ though speech
is silver, silence is golden,” but because they
1ave no ready change in the way of “silver”’
at command, the present work will, it_ is
hoped, commend itself, and be of some little
service at all society gatherings and in general

society.CONTENTS.

CHAPTER I.

PAGE
THE ART OF SMALL TALK : : .

CHAPTER ITI.

TIWENTY MINUTES’ TALK AT MORNING CALLS .

"ee 10
CHAPTER IT,

THINGS TO SAY TO NEW ACQUAINTANCES : ‘ = 08
CHAPTER IY.

DINNER-TABLE TALK 35

CHAPTER VY.

POSSIBLE “*SMALL TALK” UNDER PROBABLE CIRCUMSTANCES

CHAPTER. VE.

AIRY NOTHINGS OF THE BALL-ROOM , : ; : = 100

CHARTER. Vil,

VULGARISMS OF SPEECH .Contents.

 

CHA PIEMR: VLE.

UBIQUITOUS BEACONS

CHAPTER IX.

PUTTING IN THE OAR

CHAPTER X.,

RUNNING ONNOCIETY SMALL TALK.

8

CHAPTER I.

THE ART OF SMALL TALK,

AGREEABLE “Small Talk,’ the current coin of
society, is the key as it were. to all pleasant intimacies
and acquaintanceships, although a vast difference
exists between a brilliant conversationalist and an
agreeable person. The one possesses wit, humour,
repartee, a ready flow of ideas, a good memory, great
powers of rhetoric—in fact, versatile talent, if not
exactly genius; while the other brings into society
only an average amount of intelligence, tact, good-
humour, and geniality, combined with a ready facility
of expression and an adaptability of manner; and
although but few are endowed with the gifts which
distinguish the one, it is within the capacity of all to
acquire the graces of the other.

It is avery general lament amongst people well
educated, but upon whom Nature has not conferred
any choice gifts of mind—in other words, people
B2 Soctety Small Talk.

 

whom it would be idle to call clever—that they never
know what to say, or “ that they could have got on
so much better with So-and-so if they had only known
what to talk about,” or “that So-and-so appeared to
be a very good fellow, but they could not get on with
him somehow.” The not knowing what to talk about
is the secret of why so many people in society appear
to be dull, stupid, and commonplace ; they probably
merit neither of these uncomplimentary adjectives, and
would very much object to their being applied to them.

The art of making a continuous flow of really
agrecable, pleasant “small talk” is not to be over-
estimated, and those who are masters of this art
stand upon a vantage ground which is of real service
to them at every phase of their social career.

By “small talk”? is meant not merely agreeable
nothings, but the interchange of civilities, urbanities,
thoughts and ideas on general subjects, all of which
form the basis of conversation between acquaintances,
and indeed of all conversation which does not partake
of either an intimate or private character, or of the
nature of an important communication, but which
simply takes place between persons meeting in society,
and who have no common bond of union beyond the
interest of the moment. There are many things
which tend to form a bond of union between strangers
meeting even for the first time; mutual friends are
a common bond of union between both men andThe Art of Small Talk. 2

 

 

women—and with men, mutual professions, and
mutual pursuits, are a never failing bond of union.
Men, as a rule, are quick to discover any mutual
bond of interest between each other, while women on
the contrary are comparatively slow at discovering a
mutual bond, unless it were one not easily to be
overlooked.

Remarks or observations of whatever character
cannot be looked upon as legitimate small talk when
they are made with a purpose, and convey a state-
ment, and thus have an end and aim of their own;
small talk being actually and entirely conversation
created apropos of the moment, with no other ulterior
motive than that of its being agreeable small talk,
and of evoking a corresponding degree of agree-
ability.

If there were any elementary knowledge to be
acquired in the art of making small talk, it would
probably be the considermg in the first place what
subject would most likely prove agreeable to the in-
dividual with whom one was about to converse; this
might be arrived at by the further considering that
individual’s sex, age, social position, known proclivi-
ties, and pursuits ; and although the proclivities and
pursuits which distinguish her, or him, may not be
known to a passing acquaintance, yet the sex, age,
and social position of a person are at all times suffi-

cient indications on which to form an accurate idea
B4. Society Small Talk.

 

as to the subject of conversation most likely to be of
interest for the time being.

A likely subject of conversation having been thus
arrived at, the next consideration is how it should be
handled, or how it might best be introduced. To an
intelligent mind three or four ideas would probably
suggest themselves, all equally apropos of the occa-
sion. These additional ideas should be looked upon
as a reserve force, to be called up at any moment in
the event of the first conversational effort falling
rather flat, or having become speedily exhausted
through the unskilful manner in which it was origi-
nated; or supposing the contrary to be the case, and
the first start to have been a happy one, then by a
few judicious remarks. the conversation could be led
into the direction in which these ideas, either singly,
collectively, or consecutively, might be brought into
play; and thus the ball of conversation would be
briskly kept up, and those dead locks in conversa-
tion, known as awkward pauses, avoided. When
a subject of conversation is allowed to die out of
itself, or to exhaust itself, then a complete silence
must ensue, unless out of the ashes of the one sub-
ject a new topic should arise, or by the conversation
being turned into one or other of those channels
which have been already alluded to, viz., the “reserve
forces.”

Having thus acquired possession of an idea, theThe Art of Small Talk. 5

 

little ship should not be abruptly launched into deep
waters, but should be first permitted to glide gently
and smoothly into the shallows; that is to say, the
conversation should not be commenced by broadly
and roundly stating a fact, or didactically expressing
an opinion, as the subject would be thus virtually
or summarily disposed of, or perhaps be met with a
“Really ” or “Indeed,” or some equally brief mono-
syllabic reply ; as if an opposite opinion were held by
the person to whom the remark were addressed, he
might not if a stranger care to express it in the form
of a direct contradiction, or actual dissent; on the
other hand, to glide imperceptibly into conversation
is the object to be attained. To be desirous, as it
were, of learning and of hearing the opinions and
ideas of others, is a far surer way of drawing them
into conversation, and of giving scope for the exercise
of their conversational powers, and at the same time
of affording room for the display of one’s own re-
sources, than by being egotistically and curtly
explicit as to one’s own opinions and convictions.
Again, to evince a kindly interest in an individual
with whom one is conversing, is both flattering and
agreeable, while to put home questions or questions of
a wholly personal nature—the evidence either of an
idle curiosity or utter thoughtlessness—is the reverse
of flattering, and is as illbred in the one as it 1s dis-
agrecable to the other. A brusque, abrupt, jerky6 Soctety Small Talk.

 

manner of speaking is often the result of nervousness
and self-consciousness, and imbues the most innocent
remark with a catechising tone, creating a most un-
favourable impression upon the mind or susceptibili-
ties of the person thus addressed.

Mental exertion is as necessary in the art of con-
versing as in the exercise or practice of any other art:
this fact is too much lost sight of, and many are too
apt to imagine that without the smallest effort or
exertion a sudden rush of brilliant ideas floods the
soul of the agreeable conversationalist, and envy his
wonderful and superior gifts, never attributing these
gifts to the natural exercise of an average intelligence.
The vapid vacant manner common to many who ap-
pear vainly seeking to derive inspiration from the
inanimate objects which surround them, precludes the
possibility of holding any conversation with them
beyond the merest trivialities; they answer “ Yes,”
and they answer ‘‘No;” beyond this they cannot go,
and people, with a shrug, say of them, “ A pretty
woman, but nothing in her,” or, ‘A good-looking
man, but such a stick!”

Next to the good talker ranks the good listener,
and the good listener 1s always voted a most agreeable
person ; a good listener appears to be keenly interested
in the conversation addressed to him, and with great
tact and judgment is able to put im just at the right
moment the right remark, calculated to assist and toLhe Avt of Small Talk. 7

 

sustain the conversation, but great discretion is needed
in not interrupting a flow of ideas or a graphic narra-
tion by an ill-timed observation or an equally inap-
propriate question.

It is not seldom that a good listener also possesses
considerable conversational powers, the mental exer-
tions required of both listener and talker being equal
if not synonymous—the qualities of the one being also
the qualities of the other.

A mediocre egotistical talker proves as a rule but a
bad listener, his egotism asserts itself at every turn of
the conversation. Let him but have half an idea on
the subject in hand, than he hastens to unfold if
regardless of how the interruption will be received ;
but when ‘‘a good listener”? has an idea worth the
hearing he reserves it until a break in the conversa-
tion admits of his giving it utterance; impulsive
people are too often apt to offer these inopportune
interruptions, rather perhaps from mere thoughtless-
ness than from egotism or self-importance.

“Voice” and “manner” are of paramount im-
portance in the art of conversing. It is a very
erroneous idea to suppose that men or women in
«fashionable society,” or what is termed the ‘‘ best

’ speak with a lisp or a

society,” or “good society,’
languid drawl, or with any mannerism whatever.
Well-bred people speak in a natural and unaffected

:
manner, the cadence of the voice being low ana the8 Society Sinall Talk.

 

intonation thoroughly distinct, each syllable of each
word being clearly pronounced, but without pedantry
or exaggeration.

The modulation of the tones of the voice 1s also a
ereat point with the well-educated; and thisit is which
gives to the voice the slow, measured ring which the
uninitiated endeavour to imitate by the assuming an
affected drawl, or by speaking in deep and guttural
accents, as foreign to the genuine voice of the well-
bred man or woman as is the dialect of a Lancashire
operative. When ladies speak in deep contralto
tones it is because Nature has endowed them with
deep contralto voices, and not with an idea of as-
suming tones other than their natural ones.

The voice is one of the best and truest indica-
tions of education and refinement, and betrays the
absence of these qualities with almost painful
intensity.

Those who possess unrefined or common voices,
should, on becoming aware of the fact—and there is
no surer way of gaining this knowledge than by
comparing the tones of their own uncultivated voices
with the tones of more refined ones—endeayour to
remedy this defect by carefully educating their voices
by speaking slowly, clearly, and distinctly, and by
pitching the voice in a low key, chest notes are an
advantage to persons having “shrill” voices if they
can be made use of without gruffness; thus, with aLhe Art of Small Talk. 9

 

 

due regard to accentuation, modulation, and pronun-
ciation, a very fair result may be achieved.

The common error with the many is their rapid or, so
to say, slovenly manner of speaking; the slurring over
of the final syllables, the dropping the voice before the
words have been but half-uttered, and the running a
string of words together with hurried ungraceful ac-
cents, too often starting with a jerk and concluding
with a rush.CHAPTER IT.
TWENTY MINUTES TALK AT MORNING CALLS.

At “ Morning Calls,” those not well-acquainted, or
who are on ceremony with each other, haying but little
in common, and not exactly sure of their ground,
require as it were quite a fund of small talk to carry
them pleasantly and easily through an interview
or téte-d-téte. But between people thoroughly inti-
mate, moving in the same sphere, and haying a circle
of mutual friends, pleasant friendly chat, agreeable
conversation, or a general interchange of ideas on
foreign and domestic matters, supersede small talk,
rendering them independent of its friendly aid.

To possess a good flow of small talk, or rather to
have the power of making it readily apropos to the
oceasion, 18 a faculty that but few are endowed with,
taking society in the aggregate.

A slight acquaintance is not necessarily the draw-
back to making small talk, as might be supposcd ;
for persons whose acquaintanceship is of long stand-
ing often experience as much difficulty in makingWhat to Say at Morning Calls. ek

 

 

themselves agreeable to, or in other words “ getting
on with” each other, as if their acquaintance were but
a day old. Hvery one knows this class of person, and
every one has met them; they have no ready flow of
ideas, and no readiness of speech at command; and
when an ordinary idea does occur to them, they
hasten to deliver it with imordinate eagerness, un-
gracefully and ungrammatically ; these abrupt uttcr-
ances are usually followed by a collapse, as if the
remark thus jerked out happens to fall flat through
being ill-timed, or rather from being beside the ques-
tion, it is either met by a little cold unsympathetic
“Oh,” or calls forth a slightly sareastie rejoinder ;
and either of these modes of receiving the well-meant
conversational effort is equally detrimental to further
advances of this nature.

In conversing with new acquaintances a certain
amount of shyness and reserve is often perceptible
in the manner of persons who are not naturally re-
served, and who, not quite sure of the line they ought
to take with respect to the proclivities and idcas
of a new acquaintance, feel a reluctance in starting
any but the most commonplace of topics, and thus
appear to be but very commonplace people. It is
the facility of making small talk that enables a person
to set this natural reserve on one side, and which
gives, as it were, the key of the situation to its fortu-
nate possessor.12 Socrety Small Talk.

 

‘Morning Calls” are a great test of individual
capabilities for making small talk, as a morning call,
signifies neither more nor less than a quarter of an
hour’s conversation with the person called upon; and
a maucais quart dheure it is to those who are at a
loss what to say or what to talk about, while to those
proficient in the agreeable art of small talk, morning
calls are among the pleasantest of social duties, when
the conventional quarter of an hour of a conventional
morning call is lengthened out into half an hour’s
easy and delightful talk, chat, or conversation, as the
case may be.

The etiquette of morning calls is fully described
in a former work; * thus when the call is made, and
the visitor is ushered into the drawing-room, and the
hostess has risen to shake hands, the usual saluta-
tion would be, “How do you do?” The abbreviation
of “How do you do?” into “ Howdy do?” is sup-
posed by some to be the height of good manners,
whereas it sounds affected, and is rather in bad taste
than not. Although ‘“ How do you do?” when uttered
quickly takes the sound of ‘How d’ye do?” the
salutation of “How do you do?” should simply be
regarded as a salutation only, and not as a personal
inquiry after the health of the individual to whom
it is addressed; and this formula of ‘How do you
do?” should be answered with the like formula of

* “The Manners and Tone of Good Society.”What to Say at Morning Calls. 12

J

“ How do you do?” It is actually as much a simul-
taneous salutation as is a bow, and is simultaneously
expressed ; to answer this greeting of “How do you
do?” with “Pretty well, thank you,” or “I have
not been very well lately,” or “ Quite well, thank
you, I hope you are quite well,” or the like references
to health, would be trite, tiresome, and out of place.
When the health of either visitor or hostess is dis.
cussed, inquired after, or sympathised with, it would
not be referred to on the first entrance of the visitor,
but later on when the ladies were seated; the expres-
sion of “How do you do?” should be uttered lightly
and smoothly, neither of the words being in any way
accented.

It is not considered in good taste for ladies, when
addressing each other, to add their surnames to the
salutation of “ How do you do?” unless several per-
sons were present, when it might be expedient to do
so, or in the case of a visitor being a comparative
stranger to the hostess, when it would be correct
although ceremonious to do so, and then only on the
visitor’s first arrival, but in ¢é¢e-d-téte conversations it
is not usual for persons to address each other by their
surnames, the personal pronoun ‘‘ You” being all-
sufficient for the occasion. When several people are
conversing together, it 1s often necessary for ladies
to address each other by their surnames—in the case,
for instance, of two ladies wishing to draw a third14 Society Small Talk.

 

into conversation, or in the case of one lady wishing
to address her friend or acquaintance at some little
distance from her; but for two ladies to ring the
changes on cach other’s names, or for one lady to
reiterate the name of the person with whom she
is conversing, thus: “May I give you some tea,
Mies A? Y=“ No, thank you, Mrs. BY ~ “ Mow 1s
your little girl, Mrs. A. ? ”—“ Very well, thank you,
Mrs. B., I hope your children are quite well? ”—
would be to remind one of the sort of conversation
one hears between the small Norfolk farmers, who
address each other after this fashion: ‘ Good morn-
me Mr ., and pray how do Mr. B. do this
morning ?””?—“ Pretty well, I thankye, sir, and pray
how do Mr. C. do this morning ?”’

On the hostess and visitor bemg seated at a morn-
ing call, they would, if not particularly intimate, have
recourse to the adventitious aid of “ small talk.”

The weather is a never failing topic to the unim-
aginative, but this is a weak resource after all, and is
very specdily exhausted. Wet weather admits of a
few more remarks bemg extracted therefrom than
does fine weather. Wet days and cold winds can
be deplored and regretted, but remarks on fine weather
admit of little but assent.

“What a lovely day it is!”
“ Yes, it is very fine, quite like summer.”
‘Tt was very fine yesterday.”What to Say at Morning Calls. 1

 

 

“Yes, it was, but the wind was rather cold, I
thought.”

The topic of fine weather can but begin and end
in this wise. The topic of bad weather carries the
conversation but very little further; and those de-
pending upon this frail conversational bark find
themselves very soon stranded.

“‘ How dreadfully wet it has been this week!”

“Yes, I think it has rained nearly every day.”

“We had a very heavy storm of rain this morning,
but it seems to have cleared up now.”

“Yes; but I should not be surprised if we were
to have more rain before night.”

The variability of the English climate naturally
suggests a few passing remarks, but remarks of this
nature are not sufficiently important or interesting to
warrant their forming the first, and with some people,
the only subject of conversation.

Small talk to be agreeable should not partake
of the nature of a catechism, meaning a mere string of
questions—questions not led up to or in any way origi-
nated or evolved from the foregoing conversation, but
put abruptly and apropos of nothing. There are
several topics that are handled in this uncomfortable
manner by certain commonplace people, until these
commonplace questions are anticipated almost betore
they are uttered, such as :—-

«Have you been to the Academy?” <‘ Have you16 Soctety Small Talf.
ae ee

been to the opera?” “Have you heard ee
—mentioning some new prima donna. “Fave you

 

 

seen ——?’’meaning some new popular piece.
“Have you read —— P”.—referring to some new
popular novel.
These and similar subjects are very suitable ones
upon which to construct light small talk, but they
should be introduced and welded into the chain of talk
rather than be treated interrogatively, and should be
given rather as a personal experience, combined with
an apparent wish to gather an expression of opinion
from the person to whom the remarks are addressed.
This mode of treating these ordinary subjects divests
them slightly of the commonplaceness with which they
are too often broached. Commonplace people greatly
try the patience of their friends by their trite common-
places respecting the opera and the artistes, apparently
oblivious of the fact that the daily newspapers contain
ample criticisms on the merits and demerits of the
various artistes. These observations apply solely to
those mediocre people who are thoroughly incompetent
to form any opinion on the matter, being wanting
alike in talent, education, and intellect, and these
are precisely the people who step in where “ angels
fear to tread,” and who thrust their inane remarks
upon those who are far more capable of forming
a correct judgment. When musical events or
artistic or literary points are discussed or alludedWhat to Say at Morning Calls, 17

 

 

to by talented and gifted people, the contrary is
the case, and their opinions are sought for and
appreciated. -

After the first preliminaries of welcoming a visitor
at a morning cail are over, the ball of small talk
would be set rolling in this wise, premising that the
ladies are new acquaintances rather than intimate
friends. ‘The hostess would probably say, “How
long have you been in town?” or “ When did you
come up?” or “I heard you were in town from
the A.’s, but they did not say where you were staying.
Iam so glad you came to sce me,” or ‘The A.’s told
me you were in town, and I was coming to see you
one day this week.”

These remarks would be addressed under different
circumstances to ladies arriving in town from the
country. ‘To ladies resident in town, the one receiving
the call would perhaps say (to a new acquaintance
with whom she had but little in common, or as has been
said, with whom she was not quite sure of her ground),
“We have been away lately, and have only just come
back to town,” or ‘We have been in town all the
winter,” or “ We have been having our house re-
decorated since you were here, and the workmen are
hardly out of it yet, as you see.”

A lady by thus mentioning her own movements or
arrangements, or by referring to any matter connected
with hersclf and family if not of too private a nature,
C18 Socrely Small Talk.

 

gives a lead or opening to her visitor, and affords an
opportunity for her to take up the thread of the dis-
course, and to carry it into wider channels, far beyond
the range of the operas, the theatres, or the weather.
And in proportion as the conversation diverges into
friendly or domestic talk, so do the two ladies become
more at ease with each other, gaining in a short
time a clear insight into each other’s character and
pursuits.

In answer to a remark such as “ We have been
away lately, and have only just come back to town,”
a visitor would probably reply, “‘ Have you been
at your place? I suppose the country is looking
very lovely just now,” or ‘‘ Have you been abroad
then ?”’ or “Indeed, where have you been staying ? ”
A short reply of this nature would give an opportunity
of very much being said. The beauties of the country
could be or would be descanted upon, the neighbour-
hood would be casually mentioned, and the neighbours
as casually referred to.

If the winter had been passed abroad, there would
at once be a wide field offered for conversation, which
an intelligent visitor would make the most of by
drawing forth descriptions of the tour, and the amuse-
ments and interests of the place by a few judicious
observations in this wise ; supposing that the sojourn
had been at Nice, Paris, or Cairo, and the visitor
has been at neither of these places of resort, she mustWhat to Say at Morning Calls. 19
draw upon her memory and endeavour to recollect
something she has heard respecting the most salient
features of either place for the purpose of keeping up
the conversation, and of calling forth details that her
hostess is so able and so willing to furnish. And if, on
the contrary, she were herself personally acquainted
with the foreign town or city named, whatever had
most pleased and interested herself would be the
points to bring forward, with the view of eliciting
the opinions of the lady with whom she was con-
versing.

The query of “ Where have you been staying ?”
would offer an opportunity for much information and
explanation, the small talk taking some such ling
as this:

“We have been spending the winter at Brighton.
I always think it is a good plan to go to the sea in
November ; town is so dreary then, and the sunny
mornings at the sea are so invigorating and cheering.”

“Yes, I should think it was very enjoyable at the
sea in the autumn ; the fall of the leaf is so depressing
in the country, one realises the approach of winter so
paintully, Butwe hardly ever leave home then, as my
husband is so devoted to hunting, and we generally
have people staying with us in November.”

Such a lead as this would carry on both ladies for a
good quarter of an hour at least, both pleasantly and
agreeably,

C20 Soctely Small Talk.

To touch on the actual topies of the hour demands
poth tact and cleverness, and a topic of ordinary inte-
rest that has become common property through the
medium of the morning papers or the society journals
should never be introduced as an item of original
news. Many people contract the habit of making
small talk out of the intelligence supplied by the
morning papers, slightly forgetful of the fact that this
mine of information is open to all. This class ot
small talk is peculiarly irritating to a well-in-
formed listener. When the public news of the day 1s
important enough to be referred to, it should be
brought forward as “ public news” only, for discussion

or argument, or as a matter of general interest, sur-

 

 

prise, or regret.

If “tea” was brought in during the visit, the
hostess would probably say, ‘May I give you some
tea?” or “ Will you have some tea?” or “The tea is
here, may I give you some?” or “ You will have
some tea, will you not?” But she would not say,
“Will you allow me to offer you a cup of tea?” or
«Will you take a cup of tea?” Drinking tea or
not at a morning call is so thoroughly immaterial and
unimportant a matter that no persuasion should be
employed in offering it, and if visitors decline
it, it is unnecessary to induce them to alter their
minds.

When one or two callers are present, unacquaintedWhat to Say at Morning Calls. 21

 

with each other and but slightly acquainted with the
hostess, if not intending to make a formal introduc-
tion she would endeavour to render the conversation
general, incidentally mentioning the names of the
callers, that each might become aware of the identity
of the other; a hint, a suggestion, or an expression
dropped from either of the ladies would, in the hands
of a clever woman, be all-sufficient for the basis of
small talk.

liven between the merest acquaintances some slight
fact must be known which would serve as an opening for
the making of small talk, and the opening thus given
would admit of a higher flight being taken than the
trivial fact which had given rise to the conversation ;
for instance, a lady calling would perhaps observe,
“TI was so sorry I was out when you called, one
always misses those whom one most wishes to sce
at least, I generally find it so.” To which the
hostess might reply,—

 

“Indeed, yes. Chance rarely if ever, stands
one’s friend, and yet it is curious how sometimes
chance brings about the very thing one has been
vainly endeavouring to compass.”

«« Are you a believer in ‘fate’ or ‘ chance,’ or what-
ever it may be, Mrs. A. ? or do you think that every
one is master of his own fate, and that there is no
such thing as ‘ chance’ P”

“T don’t think I am—it seems to me that every-2D Society Small Talk.

 

 

 

thing that is to happen, will happen, and that no
efforts of ours can control or avert the inevitable—I
mean with regard to the higher and more important
events of one’s life.”

To which the hostess might say, “ You are quite a
fatalist ; do you not agree with me, Mrs. B. ? and have
you not seen instances where a quarter of an hour
either way has altered the whole tenor of a person’s
lite? 7

To which Mrs. B. might reply, “ Well, { do rather
agree with you to a certain extent; ‘chance’ has
certainly much to do with the incidents of every-day
life; and, after all, one’s life is made up of little
things rather than of great turning points.”

Then the hostess might say, on the entrance of her
husband, “ We were talking about ‘ chance.’ ”

To which the husband might gallantly remark,
“Well, it is a lucky chance that has brought me
home in time to hear the opinions of these two fair
ladies on the subject.”

Small talk of the character of the foregoing can
easily be evolved from the most random remark, and
it is precisely this class of small talk m which those
who are strangers to each other can so easily take part,
and which can be directed into more elevating channels
than can be the mere fashionable gossip of the hour ;
it has also this advantage over fashionable gossip, in
so far that it is not necessary that people should moveWhat to Say at Morning Calls. 23

 

in the same set to understand the drift of the talk,
whereas fashionable small talk relating exclusively
to the movements of personal acquaimtances causes
what should be a conversation @ trois to become a
dialogue @ deua in this wise,—

“What lovely diamonds Mrs. C. wore last night,
and how well everything was done!”

“Yes; but we left rather early. Do you know
who that woman was with the black pearls P—every
one was-asking who she was.”

“Oh, you mean the Russian beauty, Countess
—— one meets her everywhere—have you met her,
Wess Dir?

To which Mrs. D., not, perhaps, moving in the set
in which the Russian countess was shining, would
answer rather stiffly that she had not met her. The
same lady wishing good-naturedly to include her in
the conversation would further remark,—

“What a crush it was at Lady’s E.’s on Tuesday—
you know the E.'s, Tihnk? ?

“No, I don't know them.”

“Oh, really, I thought you did perhaps;” and
then the attempts at drawing Mrs. D. into conversa-
tion would cease, and the dialogue between the two
other ladies would be resumed from this point.

“Fave you heard that the pretty Miss H., Lady
Emily’s daughter, is engaged to——— T forget his

name?”24 Society Small Talk.

—

 

“Oh, yes; I know—Captain M.; but he has no
money. I wonder they allow it.”

“Are you asked to the R.’s ball ?”

“Yes, I am; but I don’t think I shall go—one
meets such odd people there.”

Mrs. D. having nothing in common with the sub-
ject in hand, through being unacquainted with the
people referred to, would rise to take her leave after
paying the shortest possible call.

Leave-taking at morning calls is in itself an art
requiring grace of manner and decision of action, as
devoid of abruptness as of indecision. The leave-
taking of many people is trying in the extreme, not
on pathetic grounds, but because of a way peculiar to
them of hovering between remaining and departing ;
they rise, they shake hands, and still they linger, not
because they have anything particularly to say, but
because of the difficulty they experience of getting
themselves away.

When a lady has paid, as she considers, a sufii-
ciently long visit, if she has been forming any plans
with her hostess, of however simple a nature, she
would, on rising from her seat, and while extending
her hand to her hostess, refer incidentally to them,
which would be a graceful preparation to leave-
taking, such as,—

“Then you will let me know if I may expect youWhat to Say at Morning Calls. 25

 

next Monday? Good-bye;” and the reply would

probably be,—

“Certainly I will. Good-bye;” or “I shall say
good-bye then. I may expect you on Saturday.”
And the answer would be,—

“Yes; Iwon’t forget. At three, I think you said.
Good-bye ;” or when there is nothing of this sort to
go upon, no reminding words to supplement the leave-
taking, the visitor would rise, and, while extending
her hand, say sweetly and blandly,—

“JT think I must say good-bye;” and the hostess
would reply equally sweetly and blandly,-—

“Good-bye; I am so glad to have seen you,” while
accompanying her visitor to the drawing-room door.

When making adieux it is not usual to say “Good
afternoon,” or ‘‘ Good morning,” but simply ‘ Good-
bye.” Between friends and acquaintances the expres-
sions of “Good afternoon,” or ‘‘Good day,” are not
recoenized, neither is “Good morning” said to friends
or acquaintances, save at the breakfast hour. The

” and “Good afternoon ”

terms of ‘Good morning
are chiefly in use between superiors and their inferiors,
and vice versd, and between business men. (See
chapter on Vulgarisms. )

Men, more especially professional and _ business
men, having but a superficial knowledge of each
other, generally make use of this term of “Good26 Society Small Talk.

 

 

 

morning” in their mutual recognitions, when not
being sufficiently intimate to use the familiar “ How
are you ?” which is the usual salutation between men
when well acquainted with each other.

When a call is made upon a friend of the hostess
(whose guest she is), and not upon the hostess her-
self, if she happens to be present when the visitor
is announced, she would, after a few moments of
conversation, leave the friends to themselves, not
quitting the room abruptly, but with easy self- posses-
sion, perhaps remarking to her guest, while rising
from her seat, “I shall leave you now—I dare say
you have a great many things to talk over;’? or
“J have ordered the carriage at three. So I will
come back for you in about half-an-hour, if you like.”
Any trivial remark relating to domestic affairs might
be made so as to avoid leaving the drawing-room
silently or hastily.

On the subject of bridal calls,* if a married lady
were placed in the position of having to make her
first call, unaccompanicd by her husband, and so
under the necessity of introducing herself to the bride,
a remark of this description would be the most apph-
cable under the circumstances,—

“You must let me introduce myself to you, our
husbands are great friends, so we ought to know one
another.’ ‘To which the bride would probably reply,

 

* See the work before alluded to, pp. 37, 38, ‘‘ Morning Calls,”What to Say at Morning Calls., 27

“Tt is so kind of you to come and see me. I know
my husband is devoted to Mr. K., and he will be so
pleased to hear that you have been to see me.”

And from this point the small talk might be easily
carricd on from the respective merits of My. J. and
Mr. K. to less personal topics.CHAPTER III.

THINGS TO SAY TO NEW ACQUAINTANCES.

Wir reference to introductions, it is unnecessary
to observe, that a request made by one person to
another for an introduction to a third, does not come
under the denomination of small talk, as a direct
personal request, or the asking a favour—or, in fact,
any conversation taking place having a direct aim, or
a direct reason for its occurring, is outside the question
of small talk; small talk being made for the occasion,
the occasion not being created that small talk may
be indulged in.

When introductions are made between persons on
ceremony with cach other, it is usual to pave the way
for this beg done by a few polite preliminaries after
this fashion—

“Mrs. A. was asking me if I would introduce her
ro you: HM wonder it | may?” or, “Mrs. A. would
so hke to know you, she has met so many of your
people, she says;” or, ‘I should so like to introduce
Mrs. A. to you—you would lke her so much;” or,<

New Acguatntances. 29

 

 

“You don’t know Mrs. A., I think? FE must intro-
duce you to her, she gives so many amusing things ;
it would be very nice for you to know her.” (The
introducing you fo HER would be said in the case of
Mrs. A. being of higher rank or social position than
Mrs. B.). Or, “I must try and make an opportunity
presently, and introduce you to Mrs. A.; you would
get on very well with her, I am sure, she is very
bright and clever.”

If the proposed introduction were agreeable, and
under such circumstances it could hardly be other-
wise, the acquiescence would probably take this form :
“Oh, certainly; I should be very pleased to know

)

her;’’ or, “Oh, has she! I wonder where? you must
introduce me to her, certainly ;” or, “1 should be
very glad to know her; I should think she was very
charming from what you say;” or, “Thank you very
much; I should like to know her immensely ;”’ or,
“Yes, please, do; I have often wanted to know
her.”

If the proposed introduction were for some reason
or other not desired, a polite negative would be
expressed—

«Thank you very much, but—but I don’t think
I care about it;” or, “It is very kind of -you, but
from what I have seen of her, I don’t think I should
care for her much; ” or, “I don’t thmk you must
introduce us; I belicve my husband quite hates30 Sociely Smail Talk.

 

Mr. A. I think there was some unpleasantness at
the Club, but I don’t know;” or, ‘Oh! I am rather
afraid of Mrs. A., I hear she says such very sharp
things about people.” Reasons such as these might
render an introduction undesirable, in which case a
refusal would be couched in some such manner of
speech as the above.

The subject of introductions has been so thoroughly
exhausted in a former work, that it would be super-
fluous to refer to it again in the present one.

Persons being casually and unexpectedly introduced
to each other, often experience a certain amount of
difficulty in starting a conversation, or in other words,
in making small talk, unless supported by the
person by whom the introduction has been made ;
and it is precisely at the moment an introduction has
been made, that pleasant, bright “small talk” does
such good service in promoting future intercourse,
and in creating a favourable impression.

Delicate flattery, rather implied than expressed, 1s
one of the most soothing and satisfactory modes of
making way with a stranger. This, though a bold
flight to take, and a broad statement to make, 1s
nevertheless founded on a wide experience of human
nature, and of society as at present constituted.

A person with a flattermg tongue, or who 1s ever
telling a flattering tale, is very nghtly considered to be
a most untrustworthy and objectionable individual,New. Acquaintances.

 

 

and has justly been held up to universal repro-
bation by every moralist, essayist, historian, and
novelist.

But the flattery current in society does not consist
of insincere compliments, indiscriminately launched,
with a view of propitiating, or of cultivating, some
one in particular with whom the flatterer 1s anx10us
to ingratiate himself, but rather springs from a just
and honest appreciation of the merits of the one to
whom it is offered; flattery of this nature, if indeed
it may be called flattery, is thus divested of one of
the chief characteristics of flattery, namely, humbug.
The putting this honest appreciation into well chosen
words, and the making it felt by the one who is the
object of it, exactly at the right time and at the
right moment, has the effect of putting a person on
thoroughly good terms with himself, and consequently
with the one who has occasioned this very pleasant
sensation; but when this honest appreciation is
handled in a rough, clumsy, and unskilful manner
it produces exactly the contrary effect to that it
was intended to produce, and has the appearance
of the coarsest flattery, and is both distasteful and
repugnant to its recipient.

Small talk that has this end in view, namely,
the creating a favourable impression, hardly ever
fils of its end, as a sincere endeavour to please, and
to be pleased, is usually crowned with success.32 Society Small Talk.

 

On an introduction being made, any small fact or
incident relating to the one, and known to the other,
would be touched upon in the first imstance ; facts,
however insignificant, always serve as a cheval de
bataille, and can be elaborated or not as the occasion
demands. Some such lead as the following would
soon place two comparative strangers thoroughly at
their ease. “Iam so glad to have met you—l have
often heard of you from the M.’s.”

“Oh, do you know the M.’s? We saw a great deal
of them last year; I daresay they told you what
pleasant expeditions we made together,” &c. ; or, “I
have so often wished to make your acquaintance, I seem

> or the conversation

to know you so well by sight ;’
might branch into another direction.
“T hope we shall hear you sing this afternoon, I
hear you have a lovely voice ;” and the owner of the
lovely voice would answer this observation in either a
deprecatory or confident spirit, accordingly as she felt
upon the subject. From this point scope would be
afforded for a considerable amount of small talk,
relating to music and musicians, and from thence
could diverge into other paths.
The children of the hostess, a httle dog, or any-
thing,—or any idea suggested at the moment by the
various surroundings, would invariably serve as an
opening for the making of small talk, always bear-
ing in mind, that the subject mooted must not beNew Acquaintances. 23
permitted to expire spasmodically, and that it is
actually intended as a lead to further conversation.
A few disjointed remarks, thrown out in a disjointed
manner, and as it were leading to nothing, would be
beneath the appellation of small talk, and could but
be considered as mere remarks, having no claim to
be termed conversation, say, for instance, remarks of
this description and of like brevity.

“What luxuriant hair that little girl has.”

“ Yes, it is very pretty hair ;” or “ What a hand-
some little dog that is.”

“ Yes, it is a nice little dog, if seems very quict;”
or “Those are very fine roses. Are you fond of
flowers ?”’

“Yes, very.”

Either of the foregoing remarks taken singly, might
have served as the groundwork of an exceedingly
pleasant conversation ; taken collectively, their proper
appellation would be “twaddle.” ‘To commence with
the first trite observation,—

«What luxuriant hair that little girl has?”

«Yes; how becoming it is to children the wearing
the hair in that style, it is very picturesque, and carries
one back to the Joshua Reynolds period.”

“Yes, and the style in which children are now
dressed, greatly strengthens the impression, &c., &e.”

To the second trite remark of “ What a handsome
little dog that is,” in place of replymg that “it is a nice
D34 Soceey Small Talk.

 

little dog,” it might be suggested that it is a handsome
pug, toy-terrier, fox-terrier, skye-terrier, or whatever the
breed might be, coupled with the inquiry as to which
breed of dogs is preferred, together with one’s own
predilections on the subject. Almost every lady has
something to say on the subject of dogs, if this subject
is but judiciously led up to. Almost every lady has,
or has had a pet dog of her own, upon whose pertfec-
tions and excellencies she is ever ready to expatiate, but
if a lady has an antipathy to dogs, she must have a
reason for this antipathy, which she would be ready
to disclose to any one inclined to call it forth.

Again the most common-place and conventional
allusion to flowers, gives an opening for much that 1s
interesting to be said. Ladies are naturally fond of
flowers, and have usually much to say upon the culture
and eare of them, while those who know but little of
their culture, have artistic ideas respecting their ar-
rangement. In this way, observations of the most vapid
and insipid order may be turned to very good account
in the art of making small talk on a first intro-
duction.CHAPTER IV.

DINNER-TABLE TALK.

PLuAsaAnt, agreeable “small talk,” necessary as it
is on all social occasions, is more particularly so at the
most important of all social gatherings, namely, dinner-
parties, and it is at dinner-parties that the greatest
call is made upon the social qualities of the guests,
and upon their powers of making themselves agreeable.

We do not pretend to question whether society has
done the best thing for itself in adhering so strictly to
the rules of precedency with regard to its dinner-
parties, and whether society would not be greatly the
gainer could it but discover some other outlet for re-
cognizing the various degrees of rank of the various
guests, other than the actual penance that is nightly
inflicted upon long-suffering humanity by the slavish
observance of precedency, an observance which too

often divests a dinner-party of every scintillation of
brightness and geniality through the compulsory ill-
assortment of the guests.

Rank should at all times receive its just and proper
D4Pe EE aye eae ee

 

36 Society Small Talk.
2
due, and “no man disparages birth, but he who hath it

not;” actual rank, would not probably overweight very

many dinner-parties, but it is the precedency society

is compelled to accord to the most trifling degree of

birth, extending over so wide an arena, from the chains

of which it is a matter of great difficulty, if not of 1m-

possibility, to escape. It would be greatly preferable

could society originate some sign or token which would

satisfy the guests at a dinner-party that their claims

to precedency were fully allowed, and as fully under-

stood by the hostess, and by the company in general ;

say, for instance, a raised dais in the drawing-room, or
seats set apart at the upper end of the room as at a
public ball, to which the guests on their arrival might
be severally conducted, or any other mark of dis-

tinction granted them which could at the same time
be made to enlighten the company as to their indi-
vidual degrees of birth other than by sending them
down to dinner according to the claims of their
ancestors rather than on their own merits.

It is especially at the hour of dinner that the heart
of man expands and when all the geniality of his
nature rises to the surface; even the most taciturn,
reserved, and rugged natures are not insenstble to the
influence of the hour; therefore, uncongenial com-
panionship at a moment such as this, compulsory
companionship, which must continue for at least
two hours, is a strain put by society upon itsDinner-Table Talh.

 

37
members, and from whence there is no escape but in
escaping from socicty itself.

Precedency often obliges a host to take down and
try to amuse the dowdiest, dullest, and least at-
tractive lady in the room, as commonplace as she is
trite; the hostess, likewise, has probably to put up
with perhaps the stupidest man present because he
happens to be a little better born than any of the
other guests, and so on up and down the gamut of the
guests, birth versws everything else, each and every
couple being sacrificed to its claim.

The sitting above or below the salt was in ancient
days the distinctive mark between lord and vassal,
but in these levelling days it seems a trifle rococo,
and savours of an undue clinging to the traditions of
the past to attach so great an importance as to who
should or should not go in to dinner before the
other.

But as society thinks fit to pair its guests according
to precedency only, and with but little regard to
individual tastes, sympathies, and likings, it behoves
its members to make the best of the situation and to
be as agreeable as they well can be under the circum-
stances by cultivating the pleasing and useful art of
small talk.

Genuine small talk must not be confounded
with the senseless, ceaseless babble of the Nickleby
order, or with a string of platitudes and common,38 Society Small Talk.

 

 

places, interspersed here and there with an old saw or
a vulgar proverb, savouring slightly of the servants’
hall. This style of running on, common to so many
weakminded but well-meaning persons 1s even more
irritating to the clever intellectual or gifted ones of
the earth than is the dullness, stupidity and reserve of
those common-place people from whom nothing more
lively can be obtained than a monysyllable uttered at
intervals. The gist of small talk is, the having
something to say and saying it well. It is not given
to every one to be bmiliant and amusing with a
capacity for making small talk independent of facts
and passing events, therefore the mass of individuals
who are neither brilliant, gifted, talented, nor in any
way geniuses, have no other resource than to draw
upon facts and events when starting a conversation ;
and avery good, excellent, unfailing resource it 1s, but
the peculiarity is, that the generality of ordinary
people fail to make use of this wealth of subjects at
their command, ready as it were to their hand, to be
turned to good account. To be aware of a fact, event,
or incident, which might have been made a vehicle of
pleasant talk being apropos of the moment is one
thing, and to recollect it apropos of the moment, is
another thing, and thus many slow-witted people call
to mind hours afterwards some circumstance which
had they but thought of it at the time would have been
the one thing about which they might have conversedDini Table Tue 30

 

and so made themselves agreeable.

They remember

good things they might have said some twelve hours

after the opportunity has arisen for the saymg them,

a little late for the purpose of shining as agreeable

talkers.

It isa prevailing idea with some people that if does

not require much cleverness to be able to weld facts

and incidents into entertaining small talk, and yet it

is surprising how little skill is shown by these very

people in their treatment of subjects of an everyday

character, and how very little intelligence they bring

to bear upon the discussion of them.

There are certain people who rely upon the telling

of a good story as their speciality, and gain for them-

selves a notoriety and reputation in this line, and

this is an amusing line to take, but there is one thing
to be avoided, which the tellers of these good stories
are very apt to overlook, and that is the facility they
have of forgetting to whom they have told their last

eood story, and the consequent repetition of it to the
same person; it must be a very eood story that does
not suffer from this second hearing. It would be
throwing back the narrator in his efforts to be amusing
to remind him that one had heard the story before,

and that he himself had narrated it.

T don’t know if I have told you the story about, &c.,
&e., is a good preamble to the telling of a good story,

as it gives the opportunity for any one to say that they40 Socrety Small Talk.

 

have heard it, or that they should very much like to
hear it, and the story-teller escapes being characterized
as “prosy,” a reputation which too often clings to
gentlemen who take up this line. People not sutii-
ciently intimate with the narrator to arrest the telling
of a story by remarking, “ Oh, yes, I have heard that
before, it is a capital story,” generally receive the
repetition of it in an absent manner and with an arti-
ficial little laugh which the narrator, ignorant of the
cause, attributes to a want of appreciation or a lack of
humour on their part. One of the best modes of tell-
ing a good story is perhaps by preserving the strictest
eravity throughout the relation, and at the close to
lead, as it were, the laughter by a genuine hearty
laugh, which is always contagious and mirth-pro-
voking. Laughter is to the storyteller what applause
is to the actor, and without which the best story
falls flat.

The art of telling a story really well is to make it
fit into or illustrate some incident or other appertain-
ing to the moment; whereas the strainmg after an
opening through which to bring in a good story is so
palpable an effort that it is at once seen through.

A story-teller who possesses a coadjutor amongst the
company has an advantage over other men, whose
forte it also is to relate good things. A clever wife is
the best of coadjutors, or failing her, a fidus Achctes.
who, although appreciating a good story does notDinner-Table Talk.

 

aspire to be a story-teller himself, but is content to
oive his friend a lift and a lead when opportunity offers.
The clever wife, who wishes to give her husband an
opening for the telling of one of his good stories would
contrive to make some remark calculated to turn the
conversation in the direction where the good story lay,
or if she saw her way to it, she would ask for the
story outright by saying :—“ My husband knows a
capital story about that; have you ever heard it P”
or, “Ask my husband to tell you a good story about
this very thing;” or, “My husband knows a much
better story than that, if you can only persuade him
to tell it you; ” thus the clever wife plays into her
lusband’s hands and gives him just the opportunity
he wants for the display of his talent in this direction.
The fidus Achates does not finesse as does the clever
wife, but boldly, and bluntly, asks for the story apropos
of the occasion; and besides being the one to give his
friend the start, he is equally ready to lead the laughter
at the finish, he is never tired of hearing his friend's
stories ; indeed, he has a sort of partnership in them,
and is proud of the success they achieve.

There are certain men, who, aware of their weak-
ness in the matter of making agrecable small talk,
read up a subject either from a new or an old work,
++ ig immaterial which, and being thus crammed for
the occasion, they contrive during the course of the
dinner to introduce it somehow bon gré mal gré ; but42 Society Small Talk.

 

people of average intelligence and moderately well
read are generally aware of the source from whence
such information springs, and hardly give the crammed
one credit for all the trouble he has taken in getting
up his subject.

There are several descriptions of small talk
current at dinner-parties, common to the various
individuals whose ideas and thoughts they respec-
tively embody and illustrate; to wit, the common-
place, the matter-of-fact, the gossipy, the polite, the
humorous, the vivacious, the speculative, the intel-
lectual, the imaginative, the dry, the sarcastic, the
epigramatical, and the practical, &c. Those endowed
with high conversational powers, naturally take high
conversational honours, whilst those who are not so
endowed play their little round game or their simple
rubber in a very tame fashion.

Two persons, strangers to each other, sent in to
dinner together by their host, not unnaturally ex-
perience a slight hesitation as to with what agreeable
remark they shall commence the conversation ; both
feel while descending the staircase that it is incum-
bent upon them to make an observation of some kind,
and if one or other, or both, should happen to be

afflicted with shyness, or reserve, they probably
maintain a perfect silence until seated at table, each
feeling rather annoyed at being sent in to dinner with
such a very dull person ; and fearing, moreover, thatDinner-Table Talk. 43

 

to judge from this un-promising commencement, the
next two hours’ ¢éfe-d-téte will not be a particularly
lively one.

A. good impression created as to one’s sociability,
is a great step towards pleasant companionship, the
which is a most essential ingredient to a dinner-party.
Gourmands who prefer eating their dinner in silence
to the most intellectual of banquets, are beside this
question which so greatly concerns the eeneral run of
men, who, if occasionally gourmets are still less fre-
quently gourmands.

To make pleasant easy small talk is to pave
the way towards pleasant companionship, and the
slightest thread is capable of being woven into a sub-
stantial fabric. A matter-of-fact conversation often
commences in this wise, ‘“ We must take care not to
tread upon that smart train,” referring to the dress of
a lady who was preceding a couple to the dining-
room.

“Ves, that would never do; trams are very
graceful, if they are inconvenient.” To which her
companion might observe—

“Oh, I admire them, of course ; I am only so
afraid of treading upon them, and of bringing down
the wrath of the fair wearer upon my devoted head.”

“« Ave you very unlucky in this way ? and do you
think a woman could not keep her temper if her

“own were trodden upon ?”44 Society Small Talk.

 

 

«Well, if you ask me really what T think about it,
I should say she was a very exceptional woman if
she stood such a test—but here we are; we are to sit

 

this side.”

Or—*“I was in the park this afternoon; it seemed
very full.”

“T suppose so. I was at two afternoon parties, and
only took one turn in the park, very late.”

“There are very many afternoon parties gomg on
just now. I have three invitations for to-morrow ;
but I do not think I shall go to any of them.”

“Shall tou not? do you dislike afternoon parties
so much ? I wonder why men do dislike them so ?”

“Well, you see, one likes to be out of doors at that
time of the day, and not to be boxed up in a crowd, and
having to make one’s self useful the whole time—giving
all the old ladies tea, and listening to some conceited

 

fellow, who thinks he can sing.”

“Well, it does not sound very lively from your
yoint of view; but afternoon parties are to us ladies
] )
what Clubs are to you men—one meets people one
knows at them, one’s friends, and it 1s a pleasant way

° 2
of seeing them.

“Can you not see them just as well in the evening,
and get all the fresh air possible during the day P”

«Well, no; women have very little opportunity
of talking to each other in the evening; society does

not arrange Ht SO.Dinner-Table Talk. 45

 

“Well, I suppose not; we men monopolise you,
you mean to say. Perhaps we do.”

“Oh! .I don’t go quite so far as that; but you
know one dines, and one dances, and one really does
talk a great deal more to men in the evening than to
the women one knows.”

“Then, by your own showing, we men are better
away at afternoon parties; you can get on very well
without us, I see.”

Or-—“ Did you go and sce the meet of coaches at
the magazine, this morning ? it was a very full one,
and quite worth seeing.”

“No; I am sorry to say I did not; my husband
drives a team in the country, but not in town, and
we make a great many excursions far and near when
we are down in Blankshire.”

“Yes, that is a capital way of seeing the country.
I know something of your county; I was down there
hunting last season, staying with the D—s. Do you
know them at all ?”

“Hardly; they live miles off us—quite the
other side of the county. I know some great
friends of theirs, the G—s; they are our best neigh-
bours.”

Or—“I think I have met a brother of yours—a
man in the 160th.”

«Qh, no! he is only a cousin of mine, I have no

brothers in the army.”46 Society Small Talk.

 

 

“Oh, really, I knew him very slightly; the coin-
cidence of name struck me, that was all.”

“His regiment is coming home in the autumn,
IT believe.”

“Why, I thought he was to be out there five years
at least.”

Or—“ Have you been to the French plays? I sup-
pose you have.”

“No, indeed, I have not; we thought of going one
night next week, if we can get stalls.”

“Tf you want to see a really good piece you should
>and at this point of the conversa-

 

try and see
tion the name of the “only piece worth seeing ”’
would be mentioned, and if the lady were endowed
with tact and cleverness, she would lead her com-
panion to give her his impressions of the piece, and
of the cast ; by which means she would gain a certain
knowledge of the subject, while he would gain, what
men most appreciate, a good listener. On such
slight foundations as the foregoing, does the matter
of fact, or the commonplace small talk rest. The
gossipy and the polite small talk have a still flimsier
raison d’étre and run very much after this fashion.
“T hear that beautiful house So-and-so built has been
sold; I don’t know the name of the man who bought
it, but they say he is very rich.”

“Really, what do you suppose he gave for it?
something enormous, | should think,”Dinner-Table Talk. 47

 

“Oh yes, [should not like to say what he did give,
I have heard two or three different sums named,” &c.

Or—“I suppose there is no doubt now about the
truth of that story, every one is talking of it.”

“What story are you alluding to in particular? I
don’t think I have heard anything new lately.”

“What not about Lady X.? it 1s the best story you
have ever heard, &c., ‘&e.,” whereupon the gossiper
will proceed to enlighten his companion as to this
especial piece of gossip. To turn to the strictly polite
small talk,—

«Will you allow me to offer you my left arm, I am
so afraid that the trimming on your dress will sustain
further damage. I think I have extricated it now
without very much injury.”

‘“‘Yes, thank you, these flimsy gowns are always
rather a bore, but I have one or two things to go to
this evening, and I am going on to rather an amusing
ball at Mrs, Bos”

‘“‘T have the pleasure of knowing Mrs. T. I think
she is very charming. You will sit ma draught I
am afraid if I place you here, but it seems we cannot
help it,” &e., &e.

Conversation that takes place between couples
while going down to dinner, or what might be termed
staircase conversation, scarcely ever soars above or
beyond such trivialities as the foregoing, that is to say,
between strangers or very sheht acquaintances, who48 Society Small Talk.
have, as it were, to feel their way step by step to dis-
cover what amount of conversational powers each
possesses, that: they may either talk wp to or down to
such standard, and the first few sentences, falling from
the lips of an individual like the opening bars of a
piece of music, are sufficiently suggestive of what 1s
likely to follow.

As has before been said, facts are invaluable mm
starting a conversation, facts for instance connected
with mutual friends either absent or present, inquiries
after them if absent, allusions to them if present,
society facts of mutual interest, public events of
importance, or things appertaining to the moment,—

 

 

say the ment.

«Would you like to look at the menu?” observes
a gentleman to the lady whom he has taken down to
dinner, handing it to her, as he speaks, after haying
rapidly glanced at it himself.

« Thank you,” returns the lady, taking it from him.
“What is ‘Idem a la Béchamelle?’ referring to
some dish that is new to her, and a lady, whether
married or single, never need to blush at displaying
her ignorance where an entree or made dish is con-
cerned. A man does not think less of a woman for
being unyersed in the mysteries of French cooking ;
if he has any knowledge of the to her unknown dish,
he is pleased to impart it; and if the dish 1s a stranger
to him he is equally willing to discuss it, and toDinner-Table Talk. AQ

 

 

speculate as to its nature, and after a little discussion
on the comprehensiveness of the menu, the lady says,
with a view of discovering whether her companion is
of the silent order of diner-out or not,

“Some people do not appear inclined to eat and talk
at the same time, the few observations they make
merely coming in between the courses.”

“He must be a dull fellow who cannot contrive to
do both, with satisfaction to his fair neighbour if not
to himself,’’ is the style of answer, in the one case, or
in the other it might be—

‘“‘T hope you won’t think me quite a bear if I own
to a predilection for doing one thing at a time;” and
a lady would shape her reply accordingly, thus she
would say :

“Then I may talk to you without fear of interrupt-
ing your enjoyment of your dinner? but you put it
as if it were easier to please your neighbour than
yourself.”

“You must attribute that speech to my gallantry ;
ladies are so good-natured, they are kind enough to be
pleased with so little, and to take the will for the
deed, while my modesty forbids my taking credit to
myself for any efforts of mine.”

“JT often find that those men who are the least
ready to take merit to themselves are the most
worthy of it, and I expect great things of you in con-
sequence.”ee Ee ei,

cee

50 Society Small Talk.

 

“T am afraid I have unwittingly raised your expec-
tations, and that you are doomed to disappointment.”

“Tf T anNeventually disappointed, perhaps the fault
will be my own, and after all, expectation is the better
part of life.”

‘Has realization with you then always fallen short
of expectation P”

“Tn away, yes; but I am afraid I am rather in-
clined to allow my imagination to run away with me.”

“Tmagination is about the safest companion that
you could have in your flight, and the one of whom
you would be the least likely to tire.”

 

“Do yow never tire of your own thoughts—your
own imaginings, and your own company ?”

“Very often of all three; but then I am more
practical than poctical, and day-dreams enter but
slightly into my composition; you volatile feminine
essences are always floating more or less towards
those regions.”

‘“‘T am not foolish enough to indulge in day-dreams,”
returns the lady. “I think people whose lives are
fully occupied, seldom have leisure for such an amuse-
ment; but how good these Pdtés de Cailles are, to
change the subject to one less etherial; 1 think it
seems very cruel, the way these poor little birds are kept
alive in flat wooden boxes on view at the poulterers.”

“That they may fatten the more readily, I suppose;
st 1s rather uncomfortable for them to be cooped up inDinner-Table Talk. 5

 

 

 

that way, I should say. You, ladies, are so tender-
hearted, and have your sympathies so easily aroused ;
but how about the birds you wear in your hats, and
the wings that adorn them, are not the lives of the
gay-plumaged feathered fowl sacrificed to your
vanity ?”

“Sacrificed, perhaps, but let us hope not tortured ;
sacrificed as you sacrifice the partridges and pheasants
to your prowess at your grand battues, when almost
wholesale slaughter usurps the place of legitimate
sport.”

“The other side of the question is, that when an
owner of a manor has a shooting party, he naturally
shoots his best coverts, and is proud of making a
fine bag,

” rejoins the man.

‘“‘T suppose he would do so, but it seems to me,
that to shoot the young pheasants that have been
reared and fed in the home pheasantry until they have
become quite tame and accustomed to man, is little
better than shooting the chickens in the poultry-yard.”

“Ah, the poultry-yard! that is essentially the
ladies’ preserve; and although the feathered fowl do
not fall by your hand, they do so at your command,
and your pretty little theories respecting man’s cruelty
will not hold water; but they sound amiable and
feminine, and are the ideas that come well from your
sex; indeed, we would not have it otherwise—with a
woman oftener than not it is feeling versus reason ; and

E 252 Society Small Talk.

 

as we are credited with so large a share of the one, and
so small a share of the other, we naturally admire the
quality in which we are deficient.”

“Speaking of qualities,” rejoins the lady, “what a
remarkable thing is the transmission of qualities both
bad and good.”

“Very true, and how they become gradually evolved
and intensified as they pass on from sire to son, until
in some, certain powers become abnormal, exceptional,
phenomenal, as in Murphy, the chess player, or in
Bidder, the calculating boy; and if one faculty be
unusually strong and active, some other will be pro-
portionally weak and dwarfed; hence the very clever
mathematician is often a child in worldly matters.”

‘I suppose also, that the over-educating one faculty
has a tendency to leave other portions of the mind
dormant ?”

“That may be the case with ordinary minds, but
I hold that when one faculty is pre-eminently superior
to another, the concentration of the energies of the
mind on that particular point becomes a part of a
man’s being, providing that circumstances are favour-
able to its development. But how often it is that
circumstances are too strong and carry a man in a
totally opposite direction, and only the most in-
domitable will, or the most lucky of chances, can set
the tide in his favour; I think Dr. Schliemann’s
career in a measure illustrates my meaning.”’,Dinner-Table Talk. 5

 

To accompany a couple further who are thus at
their ease with each other, would be a superfluous
illustration ; as from a point such as this, many paths
would be open to them—literature of the past and of
the present, travel and research ; or the conversation
could take a lower range, and embrace the affairs of
the moment, relative to the dinner, or the dinner-
party. But to return to the starting point, and see
how a lady would fare with a man for her neighbour,
who had declared his inability to the doing two things
at the same time, eating and talking, to such a reply
as the one previously given, she would probably say :

“You are not singular in your choice; there are,
I believe, many people who cannot say agreeable
things, and enjoy the pleasures of the palate at the
same moment, and in devoting themselves to the one
they lose the subtle aroma of the other, which they
prefer to ‘the feast of reason and the flow of soul.’”

“You are very severe; this comes of having
answered your question in good faith. Now, if I had
finessed and beat about the bush, and left you in
doubt as to what I did, or did not like, I should have
risen ten per cent. in your estimation; it is not too
late, however, I will sacrifice the next tempting entrée
which I see is sweetbreads in your honour and en-
deavour to recover a place in your favour.”

‘“‘By no means; I decline to be propitiated by such

an alarming sacrifice and such self-abnegation.”54 Society Small Talk.

 

“My resolution is taken, the sweetbreads are at
hand, and I waive them from me.”

“TJ am really sorry,” observes the lady, “I am
afraid you have deprived yourself of a favourite dish.
I am quite vexed with myself for haying involuntarily
led up to it.”

“You are very amiable, but I am obtaining your
sympathy under false pretences, and at the risk of
sinking still lower in your esteem. I must confess
that I have been guilty of a subterfuge, and that I
never eat sweetbreads, on principle; let me whisper
my reason, for fear of spoiling the appetites of those

 

around us: ‘a swectbread is—a gland!’ ”

“Ts that so! ‘Then I shall never be able to
eat sweetbreads again; please do not make any
further revelations to me of this nature, or I shall
become a vegetarian on the spot.”

“Tf you are thus easily converted to my way of
thinking, I must be additionally carcful as to the
doctrines I inculcate; if the position is a flattering
one, it has also its responsibilities.”

“Save on the question of food, I do not think you
would find me so amenable to your teaching. Iam
not quite so plastic and ready to take an impression
as I have led you to suppose.”

“Tg this defiance or only defence on your part P if
it is defiance, I shall commence hostilities at once.”
«To be honest with you, alittle of both was intended,Dinner-Table Talk. 55

— ———

 

but so little of the one, that I think you may accept
my proposals for a truce or an honourable peace; and
now it is to be peace, as I must not interfere with
the enjoyment of your cutlet.”

“Your friend opposite,” the lady might further
add, ‘appears to be relating something amusing,
what is it he is saying?”

When the host or any one present is relating a
story for the amusement of his immediate neighbours, a
woman of tact would discontinue, but not too abruptly,
any light skirmishing small-talk she was engaged in,
that her companion might have the option of hearmg
the gist of the story, and of joining im the gencral
comments that usually follow upon a well-told story,
anecdote, or narration of some interesting incident.

To take the +é/e of the humorous and vivacious
demands a flow of good spirits and the feeling of
being thoroughly at home, a sort of enfant gaté of
the house. Givers of dinners, diners out, bon vivants,
gourmets, and gourmands, find that the question
of “cuisine” is an exhaustible topic in the making
of dinner-table small talk, it being thoroughly under-
stood that the dinner being discussed is not a sub-
ject for present discussion, whether it be a repast
worthy of Lucullus, or whether cyerything be cold
save the champagne, or whether there be everything
or nothing to eat. New dishes, and new ways
of serving old dishes, novelties of any shape or kind,56 Society Small Talk.

 

are all of interest to those who give dinners, and are
always within the most limited powers of observation
of those who dine out, and unimaginative practical-
minded individuals contrive to get over a good deal
of ground, and to acquire a wrinkle or two by the
ventilation of this particular topic.

Apart from the question of cuisine and gastronomy,
is the far wider question of “self,” consciously or un-
consciously. “Self ”’—that is—“I am,” is the most
pleasing subject that can be broached. Whether this
feeling, sentiment, or sensation, be of a pronounced or
of a passive nature, it always exists in a larger or
smaller degree, and is there to be played upon by the
hand of a skilful performer. Of all harmonious
sounds, the music of one’s own voice, with one’s self
for its subject, is of all strains the most beguiling ;
consequently the one capable of drawing forth this
pleasing melody, takes high rank in one’s estimation,
and as this instrument—the inherent selfishness exist-
ing in most men and women—is g0 easily played upon,
and as the playing upon it has no other mainspring
than the putting men and women on good terms with
themselves and on good terms with one’s self, and as
“self” is of all topics the one a man or woman is fairly
and justly entitled to talk about, his or her owredoings,
own feclings, own impressions, and own convictions,
in preference to the doings or sayings of his or her
neighbour, if is both allowable, justifiable, and inDinner-Table Talk. 57

 

 

every way fitting, that this safe and pleasant outlet
should be permitted and encouraged.

The conversation which takes place between men,
both at dinner and after dinner, even though strangers
to each other, usually takes the practical and common
sense turn. So practical, and so instinct with eommon
sense, that it is apart from small talk altogether ;
politics, the money market, the state of trade, and all
in which men have both a private and public interest,
are discussed in so broad and so vigorous a manner,
that it would be idle to look upon such conversation
in the light of small talk.

A dinner-party of eight is very generally considered
to be a most sociable number, as it admits of the con-
versation being general ; the smaller number, six, not
offering sufficient variety or versatility for the purpose,
while the larger number, twelve, or even ten, takes
the charmed circle without the bounds of the friendly
and familiar, and brings it within that of the conven-
tional and the ceremonious.

The conversation at these pleasant dinners of eight,
is carried beyond the region of téte-d-téte dialogue,
which is the usual order of things at dinner parties of
larger dimensions, as each individual composing the

party of cight is expected to sustain his or her part,
and to add his or her share to the general fund of
talk, one individual drawing out the other. An idea
started by one is taken up by another, passed on toa53 Society Small Talk.

 

third, and is met, perhaps, by a still brighter ray
from a fourth, thus offering a series of opportunities
for all that is lively and bright, sparkling and witty,
deep or profound, in all or any of the guests present
to be brought into play. In the organising of these
dinner-parties of eight, there are usually included one
or even two superior intelligences who shine spon-
taneously, whose light is inextinguishable, and whose
radiancy is undimmed by the proximity of other
lights; others again, like phosphorus, shine in the
dark, and are extinguished by the noonday glare. It
not uncommonly happens that two or three acknow-
ledged clever talkers whose espri¢ runs in the same
eToove

 

counteract each other’s agreeable powers;
while those whose talents he in opposite directions,
serve as whetstones for the sharpening of each other's
wits. Thus, at a dinner of eight, everyone is on the
alert to catch what is being said, as the ball may be
thrown in his direction at any moment, and his skill
as a conversational bowler be put to the test. The
host is often the best bowler of the party through
knowing the style of play of his various guests, and
the special points in which they exccl. A. would,
perhaps, remark—

“T hear Lord L.’s illness was entirely owing to
drinking iced water. I can quite understand it, it
gives a shock to the system, I suppose.”

To which Mr. B. might rejom—Dinner-Table Talk. 59

 

“Not a bit of it. I have drunk water all my life,
and the shocks my system has received have not sprung
from that source.”

Mrs. C. might here jom in with—

“Shocks are very serious things, I think; that
which affects the body too often affects the mind, the
one reacting upon the other;.that is why I think
sudden death is so terrible to the survivors, though I
must not be lugubrious. I was thinking of something
rather sad that I heard before I came here to-night,
but I ought to bring a merry heart to a feast.”

The host, Mr. D., would perhaps gallantly strike m
with—

“Tn bringing yoursclf, Mrs. C., you bring the best
part of the feast.”

Here Miss EK. might remark—

“Tf Mrs. C. is the best part of the feast, what is
Mrs. F., and what am I? Have you not a compli-
ment for us?”

D. meht reply with empressement—

« A hundred, my dear Miss I, if you would only
give me the opportunity of making them ; opportunity
is a great ally.”

G. might here put in—

‘Opportunity is a great ally, but propinquity is a
ereater—half the marriages that take place are, I
should say, the result of propinquity and opportunity
combined; we are creatures of habit, if we are69 Soctety Small Talk.

 

not creatures of impulse; propinquity paves the way
for the liking, and opportunity for declaring the liking,
which, through propinquity, has ripened into love.”

Here, Mr. H., being a bit of a misanthrope, might
throw out as a suggestion—

“In my experience of life, not a few of the mar-
riages we hear of are the result of woman’s wiles and
man’s weakness. A kind-hearted young fellow is so
perpetually told that a girl is fond of him, that sooner
or later he probably ends by marrying her.”

A.—“ You do not believe that a higher power than
human will controls marriages ?”’

H.—“I should be very sorry to think so from those
I have seen. I should say the mainsprings of many
were caprice, and vanity, with a crowning desire to
acquire some one else’s goods and possessions.”

A.—“ Well, I must say, H., you have not a very
high opinion of those who enter into the holy state of
matrimony. I suppose that is why you have not em-
barked in it yourself.”

D.—“ It looks as if H. were the victim of an un-
happy attachment, but if there is any reciprocity in
love, there is no reason why a marriage should not be
a happy one. One hears of all the mistakes, fiascos,
fracas, and matrimonial differences—they become
public property, as it were—but there are no statistics
published of happy marriages, otherwise H. might be
induced to alter his opinion.”Dinner-Table Talk. 61

 

B.—“ What I cannot understand is the proneness
of widowers to take up their chains almost as soon as
they are free, I call it the triumph of Hope over
Tixperience.”’

Mrs. F’.—“T don’t quite like the way in which you
are disposing of this subject ; we ladies think so much
of marriage, and you men appear to think so little of it.”

D.—“ My dear Mrs. F., appearances are deceitful ;
language is given us to conceal our thoughts, and all
that; and H. and B. are probably at this moment
entertaining proposals of marriage.”’

A.— Very probably. It took me at least a month
to make up my mind whether I would or would not
propose to Mrs. A.”’

B.—“ You were hovering about the brink so long,
and had nearly sipped in so frequently, that you
rather liked the danger, I suppose, if only to show
how sure-footed you were.”

A.— “No, I was doubtful of my capacity of making
her happy, and feared that my means would hardly
carry out my views for her welfare.”

B.—“It proves that you were not a young curate
at that time, or you would not have concerned yourself
much about your means or your future. I think the
poor young curate is about as heedless and improvi-
dent an individual as can well be imagined ; he com-
mences his career by giving ‘hostages to fortune,’
and is thus overweighted unto the very end.”62 Soctety Small Talk.

 

 

 

At this point, perhaps, one of the party would
bring forward some case that had come under his
personal observation either in corroboration or i
refutation of this opinion. Personal knowledge is a
ereat incentive to conversation, but in constructing
suitable small talk to serve as an example as to how
conversation may most readily be carried on through
and from one subject to another, this valuable aid has
been.on all possible occasions purposely excluded, for
the reason that when this mutual ground exists, and
people are in a position to refer to whom and to what
they have seen, and to what they have done, and are
going to do, or to where they have, or have not been,
the difficulty of making small talk is disposed of;
but as there is no rule without an exception, and as
many do not know how to make use of the materials
thus supplied by the current events of everyday life,
to them a few suggestions how to handle these subjects
with facility and ease, devoid of effort or strain of any
kind, may be of service.

The newest play is always a useful topic to start, as
it affords scope for the expressing of many diverse
opinions. ~

Thus—

A.—“ You have seen the new piece, of course, at
the ——P”

B.—“I was there last mght, the house was
crowded; the M—s were in the stalls, just in front ofDinner-Table Talk. 62

Oo

 

us, and the Y—s were im the same row as our-
selves.”

Mrs. C.—‘‘ I did not know the Y—s were in town;
where are they staying P”’

Miss E.—“I have not seen the piece Mr. A. 1s
talking about; is it very good?”

A.— “It is, and it is not; the piece is decidedly
weak, but the acting is first rate; the dresses play a
conspicuous part; you might get a wrinkle, Miss E.,
as to the fashion and make of a garment.”

B.—“ Miss E. should go to Paris if she wishes to
adopt the latest styles and fashions of the ladies of the
theatre ; there these ladies apparently sct the fashion,
and bonnets and caps and gowns are individualised
by their names.”

T.—“I quite agree with you, this mania for ex-
travagant dress on the stage is one of the greatest
enemies of the drama at the present moment; art is
sacrificed to it. Iam not speaking of Paris theatres
alone, but of our own. The leading ladies hardly
care to appear in a piece which does not admit of a
lavish display of elaborate gowns, the latest inventions
of the modistes.”’

B.—“ How few really good modern plays one sees ;
out of the hundreds that are written, there is scarcely
one worth producing; every woman fancies that
she can write a novel, and many men believe they
can write a play, but to be a good critic is one thing,64 Socrety Small Talk.

 

and to be a clever playwright is another; and although
a man may be capable of appreciating a good play, it
does not follow that he is equal to the writing of one.”

G.—« Well, you see, so much is required of a play-
wright; the situation must be telling, the story must
unfold itself, and be condensed into certainly three acts,
the dialogue brisk and sparkling, the dénouement must
not be anticipated, and be the climax of the whole, added
to which, the plot should possess sufficient strength to
render it worthy of the three acts of elaboration.”

A.— Exactly so. Now, your lady novelist has
three volumes in which to work her own sweet will,
and if she can take her grammatical fences in fairly
gallant style, and can take her canter on high moral
eround, and can construct a few pretty love scenes,
with a tinge of pathos about them, she may expect to
be fairly well spoken of, and to be in demand at all
the circulating libraries.”

B.—“ You are right; so little that is excellent 1s
expected of a woman that the reviewers are merciful
as they are strong, and, under these conditions, are
inclined to let her down gently.”

Mrs. C.—“ Well, I should say, Mr. G., that our
lady novelists are quite capable of holding their own.
Fiction is woman’s field of action—it is her strong-
hold; and in this walk of literature she will not
willingly yield the palm ; in all other walks of litera-
ture and art, I admit that she is lamentably weak.”Dinner-Table Talk. 65

 

D.—“ Very true; the defective education of women
has had hitherto, I should say, not a little to do with
this; but a brighter era is in store for your sex, my
dear Mrs. ©. You are to be sent to college; you are
to become mathematicians and logicians; you are to
enter the learned professions, and I hope some day
to see a dictionary written by a woman.”

Mrs. F.—‘‘ You are aiming evidently at what you
consider to be woman’s weak poimts—her patience
and her spelling. I would not answer for her patience,
and I should not lke to write a dictionary myself,
although I think one might get over the spelling.”

Mrs. C.—‘‘ I have an idea that if a woman gave up
her life, as it were, to her work, she would make a
very good historian, or biographer, as she would weave
in those small details, which after all go to make up
the completeness of a picture.”

H.—‘‘ The one thing against her success would be
woman’s proverbial want of accuracy where dates are
concerned, and her proneness to exaggerate, and to
highly colour facts. I have no doubt that the book
would be pleasant reading enough—lively, amusing,
chatty, and all that, but I question whether it
would be sufficiently reliable to be handed down to
posterity.”

Miss E.— That remains to be proved, Mr. H.; if
you doubt the veracity of women as compilers of

facts, you must allow that they have been eminently
F66 Society Small Talk.

 

 

successful in the isolated instances in which they have
entered the medical profession, and into which they
have had to fight their way step by step.”

H.—“I am quite aware of that, and I consider
that it is a profession for which women have a peculiar
aptitude.”

G.—“The one great argument against their suc-
ceeding in this line has been, I understand, their
supposed want of nerve in cases of emergency.”

Mrs. A.—“ That is a fallacy founded upon the
general belief in man’s invincible calmness in the
hour of danger; but in cases of sickness and disease
there is hardly one man in twenty, who does not shrink
and quail before an exhibition of suffering; while
woman rises to the occasion, and is comforter, consoler,
and nurse, rarely losing her head or presence of mind.”

H.—“ You are speaking of men generally, and
I do not see why men belonging to the medical
profession, also taken generally, should be above such
weakness over other men.”

D.—“ Well, I must say I was always under the
impression that women were very well as nurses in
the sick room merely to carry out instructions, but
were any further call to be made upon their powers of
intelligence, and were any weight of responsibility to
rest upon their shoulders, they would prove but frail
reeds upon which to lean.”

A.— Against that, a celebrated oculist told me theDinner-Table Talk. 67

 

other day he saw no reason why women should
not become very fine operators, that their delicate
touch peculiarly fitted them for this branch of the
profession, and that he hoped he might live to sec a
renowned lady oculist. He himself is one of the most
liberal minded men I have ever met, and is the fincst
operator in Europe.”

Mrs. C.—‘ What wonderful strides oculists have
made in their branch of science of late years, what
marvellous operations one hears of; cataracts have lost
all their terror, and science triumphs evenoyer age. The
aurists are very much behind in thei discoveries in
the sister art, and have apparently made but little
progress as far as one can judge from results.”

H.— Well, there is a fine opening for women in
this direction, and it would be, I should say, a very
suitable and fascinating branch of study for them,
and to many it would be even preferable to medical
practice.”

General conversation is apt to concentrate itself on
some particular topic; for the reason that each person
adds his or her observations or individual ideas to the
eeneral stock, and thus a subject remains under dis-
cussion for some little time, but if, as is often the case,
the subject is an uncongenial one to any of the party
present, and if they do not care to pursue it, or if they
feel that were they to do so, they would probably
get out of their depth, or if the subject in hand pos-

a)

F468 Society Small Talk.
sesses little or no interest for them, they could easily
create a diversion in an almost imperceptible manner,
and it docs not demand any considerable amount of
talent to do this well, although it calls for a certain
amount of judgment in striking the key note, and with
due regard to time; an ill-timed interruption would
not cause a divergence, but would rather tend to
prolong the discussion, the only result accruing being
the humiliating consciousness of the having made a
false move, and of haying the remark ignored or put

 

 

 

on one side. A clever man or woman experiences
but little difficulty in seizing their opportunity, and in
obtaining the lead when they have any particular
card they are desirous of playing; but if on the con-
trary, the subject were of sufficient interest to all
present not to call for any subtle interference from any
of the party, it would then be permitted to drift on
and follow its own course, winding in and out, eddy-
ing round and round, now from opposition becoming a
miniature cascade, and now flowing on smoothly and
placidly, its surface only stirred by ripples of laughter
if any one present were equal to the calling it forth.
Thus, in answer to the last remark made by Mr.
Il., Mrs. F. might naturally say: ‘How trying it is
to talk to deaf people, as so few have mastered lip-
reading, although it is a wonderful advantage to deat
people, almost overcoming their infirmity.”
D.—“Lip-reading is very well for young people,Dinner-Table Talk. 69

 

but half the old ladies you meet are beyond it,
and have to supply its place by the use of the ear-
trumpet.”

B.—“ Yes, it is very disappointing when one’s efforts
at wit, humour, or common-sense, have to travel along
a four feet tube and an ivory pipe into a dull ear, and
after all fail ignominiously in reaching the citadel of
thought, and only elicit a grunt. Few sayings bear a
second journey; like beer, when poured out, they
become flat.”’

Miss E.— One’s best remarks I think are hardly
worthy of repetition, and if one had to shout every
sentence one uttered into an ear-trumpet, how very
little one would be inclined to say.”

G.—“ Iam afraid, Miss E., you have not appreciated
our conversational efforts this evening, and are kind
enough to let us know it, and I can also understand
why we have been fayoured with so little from you.
You scarcely do yourself justice, and charming as it 1s
to look at you at all times, I almost feel inclined to
exclaim with the poct,‘Oh that those lps had lan-
guage.”

Miss E.—“ The battle is to the strong, and you
gentlemen have had the lions’ share of the conversa-
tion this evening, and have left us little opportunity
for saying the little we have to say, and now you have
quite crushed me with your compliments.”

G.—I did not know they were so heavy. I rather70 Society Small Talk.

 

flattered myself I was ingratiating myself with you.
Perhaps you will teach me what to say that might be
worthy of you, or rather of us both.”

D.—“ That is a challenge, Miss I. ; beware how you
take if up; you would find it a difficult task to teach
him anything. There is very little that he does not
know, let me tell you.”

G.—‘‘ It is too bad of you, D., to show me up in this
way. I was about to persuade Miss E. to take me in
hand, now you have destroyed her confidence in a very
promising pupil.”

Miss i.—‘ My confidence has not been destroyed,
because it has never been given, and Mr. G. is much
too advanced to learn of me. I prefer beginners, there
is no fear then of the pupil outstripping the master.”

D.—“ Here is a chance for you, H., not to be lost.
Miss E. likes a beginner, as you hear, you would be
new ground for her to break.”

H.—“ You are very obliging in trying to interest
Miss E. in my unworthy self, but I am afraid she
will hardly thank you for your selection, and I,
knowing the toughness of the materials that she
would have to work upon, can hardly applaud your
choice of a subject.”

Mrs. F'.—‘ Are you then so very unimpressionable,
Mr. H.; have you ever given your stoicism a fair
trial; in my experience of men, I have frequently
observed that those who believe most in themselvesDinner-Table Talk. 71

 

are the soonest to succumb: continuous sunshine
dissolves the hardest frost, combined with a certain
amount of warmth in the atmosphere.”

G.— You will not succeed, Mrs. F., im extracting
anything on this head from H.; he is as impene-
trable as he is impervious.”

Badinage, however good-natured, if persisted in
beyond a certain limit, not unfrequently developes
into unpleasant personalities; therefore, the greatest
cood humour, consideration, and delicacy of feeling
should be exercised when indulging in it; and the
weak point in the character of any individual should
in no case be ruthlessly or mercilessly exposed, or held
up to ridicule under the guise of badinage.

Badinage, repartee, and humour, are as spark-
ling wines to a dinner, and without a soupgon of these
qualities a dinner party is likely to be voted a some-
what triste affair. Many a man who aspires te being
considered a wit, prepares his witticisms or puns before-
hand, and lets them off when opportunity offers, and if
the opportunity is not forthcoming, he generally creates
it for himself; other men, again, have a ready wit,
which serves them at every turn of the conversation.
They are always ready with a sparkling repartee or
a witty rejoinder, and are equal to the capping of any
joke; the difference between the two men being that
the good spirits of the one serve to keep the company
amused during the whole of dinner, although nothingHe Society Small Talk.

 

particularly good or worth the remembering may have
been said by him, while the witticisms of the other
are probably worthy of being remembered and repeated
on subsequent or similar occasions.CHAPTER, Y.

POSSIBLE “SMALL TALK’? UNDER PROBABLE
CIRCUMSTANCES.

At five o’clock teas and afternoon parties, the babble
of talk runs high, not society small talk alone, but
very much that may be termed intimate and friendly
converse, or sociable chat, and conversation of this
character taking place between friends, who have
much in common, and many mutual interests, is
outside the question of small talk. It is at this
description of gathering, that those who are intimate,
discuss everything that concerns themselves and each
other, if not the affairs of the world at large, and no
effort is needed on their part either to commence,
sustain, or prolong a conversation; on the contrary,
the difficulty with them is rather to stem the torrent,
and to condense what they would say to their many
intimates, within the limits of the time to which
their visit is perhaps necessarily limited. Those who
are dependent upon small talk at these entertain-
ments, by reason of being but slightly acquainted,74 Soctety Small Talk.

 

find that here it comes easier to them than else-
where; for one thing, there is so much to suggest
and to supply a range of topics suitable for the
making of small talk. Then, again, there is the
confidence that a crowd always engenders in those
who are nervous, shy, or retiring in manner or dis-
position. Then, too, the conversation is not a long
téte-d-téte, as at a dinner party or at a morning call,
but is oftener more general than not, three or four
ladies and one gentleman carrying on, perhaps, a
desultory conversation, made up of odds and ends of
talk, a scrap from each as they think fit. But the
crowning point of case and satisfaction to both man
and woman at these afternoon teas, is the knowledge
that at any moment they can beat a retreat, should
they find that they are getting out of their depth, or
that their conversational powers are not equal to the
occasion, or that they have exerted them to the
utmost, or that they are not getting on particularly
well, or that they are fecling rather bored, or that
they “have had enough of it,” as they term if. A
sure escape thus ready to hand gives, or imparts, an
assurance and confidence, unknown at other social
gatherings, where the hours of arrival and departure
are more strictly defined.

The materials for making small talk at these
afternoon parties are abundant and luxuriant; music
being perhaps the chief feature, instrumental andPossible Small Talk. 75

 

vocal, comprising professional and amateur talent
ranging from the classical to the comic. Performing
dugs, performing birds, and performing monkeys, take
their part in the amusing of the company, at various
times and places, and it would be a poor intelligence
that could not out of “the wealth of resources” forth-
coming at these entertainments, extract a liberal
supply of fashionable babble or ordinary small talk ;
the small talk of a higher order than that suggested
by the general surroundings being rarely looked
for or expected at afternoon parties, from those at-
tending them. When gencral conversation is entered
upon, say between four or five people composing a
little group, a comment from each suffices to sustain
and carry it on, and the merest trifle equally suttices
to provoke it.

Thus some one would remark: ‘“ That was a Ger-
man song, was it not? Are you well up in that
lancuage ?”

To which the reply might be: “ Well, l am sorry
to say no; I can read it pretty well, but that is all;
my sister is a very good German scholar, are you not,
Augusta ? ”

Augusta would say: “I suppose Iam; but then
you know I spent so much time in Germany.”

“Oh, that is a great advantage,’ would add a
third, joining in the conversation. ‘‘I don’t think
one ever thoroughly masters a language unless one76 Socvety Small Talk.

 

> to which a fourth might

acquires it abroad ;’
reply :

“Do you think so? my idea is, that it is easiest
to acquire a language in early childhood when the
mind is impressionable, and the memory retentive.”
A fifth listening to the foregoing comments, might
say :

“That may be the case where great talent for
languages exists ; but not otherwise;”’ and so on in the
same strain, each member of the group throwing in
his or her remark, a well-timed remark being the one
thing to aim at; alluding to a performance just com-
pleted, one of a group would perhaps observe :

“What a fine voice Madlle. D. has; have you ever
heard her before ?”’

“Oh, very often; she attends a good many of these
parties, I fancy. I think I pretty well know the
extent of her répertoire.”’

Or, “I suppose one ought not to talk while the
music is going on, but I should like to tell you a story
I heard the other day.”’

‘Oh, please do, I should so lke to hear it,” would
be the most flattermg rejomder under the circum-
stances.

‘Well, you know Madame B. is furious if people
talk when she is singing, and one day last week when
she was singing at the C—s’, there was so much talk-
ing going on, that when she and two Italian signoriPossible Smalt Talk. 77

 

were half way through a trio, they left off abruptly,
in the middle of a fine passage, to find every one
talking at once. One old lady was heard to say, that

>

‘she always had hers fried in lard.’ Every one was
amused, as you may imagine.”

«Well, if you make me laugh now, we shall have
a repetition of your story this afternoon, with you and
I for the culprits; but if we do, I shall declare that
you are the delinquent.”

“But suppose I were ungallant enough to denounce
you as my accomplice, so that we had to receive our
sentence together.”

« Well, if you did that, I hope I should be recom-
mended to mercy on the ground of being guilty
without intent.”

“That is the way with all ladies, they draw a
fellow on, and then turn round upon him.”

“Only in self-defence; one must do that, you
know, in one’s poor little weak way.”

«Weak, oh, I like that! now you take refuge in
the privileges of your sex.”

“What do you call the privileges of our sex, I
should rather like to know ?”’

“Tf you don’t know, you must not expect me to
tell you; you are too strong as it is, we have no
chance with you—none.”

“Vou are too amusing. I really must not let you
talk so much.”78 Soceety Small Talk.

 

And this weak kind of badinage is perhaps prefer-
able to ‘‘ gossip ” about one’s acquaintances, “ gossip”
which too often trenches upon the border-land of
scandal, and in the carrying on of the former little art
and less effort is needed, readiness of reply being the
chief ingredient in its composition.

The small talk of the tea-room does not often soar
above this calibre—

“May I take you down to have some tea?”’ or,
“Perhaps you would lke some tea?” or, “There is
tea going on downstairs if you would like some;”’ or,
“People scem to be going down to the tea-room ;
shall we go down too?”’ or, “I wish you would let
me get you some tea;’’ or, ‘ Will you have any tea,
or an ice, or anything P”’ or, “Have you had some
tea? Let me take you to have some tea,” &c.

Such phrases as these are usually made use of when
proffermg this kind of civility; and, as the stay in
the tea-room is of so short a duration,* the “ small
talk” indulged in is necessarily of the most desultory
character.

At garden parties the making of small talk is
_ also greatly facilitated by the surroundings as well as
by the amusements provided, and not a little by the
liberty of action and the freedom afforded by being
able to stroll about from point to point, and not

* See ‘‘ Manners and Tone of Good Society.”Possible Small Talk. 79

 

being compelled to remain stationary in one particular
spot, besides which garden party amusements are
a prolific theme for the construction of small talk.
Lawn tennis, archery, cricket, boating, &c., are all so
suggestive of small talk that the most diffident of girls
and the shyest of boys can hardly be at a loss for a
subject to talk about. Therefore, to men and women,
it would be almost superfluous to offer any further
advice.

At “at homes” or receptions the aids to con-
versation, furnished by the surroundings, are not so
prolific or help-giving ; and at these evening enter-
tainments eyen music is not always forthcoming.
Thus there is no ready-made topic at command, and
consequently the conversational powers of the guests
are put to a higher test. But here, as elsewhere,
“Behold how great a matter a little fire kindleth,”
and how goodly a structure and how noble a pile may
be reared on the shiftiest and shallowest of foundations.
The oft-referred-to illustration of throwing a stone
into a stream is aptly illustrative of the widening and
extending of circles of conversation from one small
centre. The originating of clever remarks is not
necessary to the commencing what may ultimately
prove to be very entertaining talk, and from the
feeblest start the most brilliant ideas may be evolved.
Indeed, it would be rather pedantic or eccentric than
not to throw a conversational shell in the way of a80 Society Small Talk.

 

startlingly clever observation or to start a proposition,
or to put a question of so original a character as
almost to shock conventional prejudices. To ask a
young lady brusquely or abruptly whether she would
rather be wicked or vulgar? would preclude an ordinary
young lady from giving any reply whatever. Pro-
positions and remarks of this calibre are a trifle too
unconventional to be quite appreciated by the world in
general, and the perpetrator of them would be rather
looked upon as an “odd man”’ than as an amusing
one. Amusing people find that sometimes overmuch is
expected of them: they have a reputation for being
amusing, and this reputation is apt to overweight
them. They are, in a measure, dependent upon
circumstances and surroundings for the display of
their powers of being amusing, and if the time, place,
or company are not in harmony for such a display,
the strain is too acutely felt to permit of their making
anything like a successful effort. The very fact of
being told to say ‘‘ something amusing ”’ by appreciative
friends, is a challenge that few are capable of taking
up with any degree of spirit. But ordinary people,
when they happen to know a man or woman claiming
to be considered amusing, at once imagine that
amusing sayings can be called up by them at any
given moment, and are proportionately surprised
When the charm of such invocations as these fail to
work,Possible Small Talp. SI

 

“We want you to come and be amusing; ” or, “I
told Mrs, A. you were so amusing, I want her to hear
how amusing you can be;” or, “ You are not at all
amusing to-day, and you were so very amusing when
I met you at the B.s last night. I so wish you would
say something to make us laugh now ;” or irritating
remarks of this order.

At “at homes,” when the host or hostess intro-
duces strangers to each other, a trying, awkward ten
minutes occasionally follows to those not well versed
in the art of small talk, which art, if they were but
proficient in it, would be unto them as a “tower of
strength.” |

“Why don’t you sit down? Let me find youa seat
somewhere. Don’t you hate a crowd?” might re-
mark a man, thoroughly at his ease.

‘‘ No, not at all. I like to see a room full of people.
It looks as if one’s invitations were appreciated,”
would answer a lady not a novice in the art of small
talk.

“JT am afraid that your view of a crowd is not an
impartial one. You are evidently looking at it from
a hostess’s point of view. What an idea you ladies
have of making every question a home one.”

“JT don’t know that we do partieuiarly. You object
to a crowd, you say, and, perhaps, if you come to my
‘at home,’ next Tuesday, and there should be no
crowd, only a very few people in the rooms, and no one

G82 Soceety Small Talk.

 

on the staircase, you would probably shrug your
shoulders, and go away, saying to yourself, that there
was ‘no one there,’ and what an unpopular woman
I must be.”

“Then you wish to prove that crowded rooms
signify the popularity of the hostess, or the reverse ?
I never looked at it from this point of view, but,
perhaps, you are right, and a crowd does mean popu-
larity ; im that case I must expect not to get further
than your entrance-hall on Tuesday night, and that
the staircase will be quite impassable.”

“That is a rather far-fetched compliment. I hope
you will not be daunted by a crowd when the ques-
tion of seeing me is concerned, but you need not be
alarmed, you will not find my rooms over-crowded, as
I have only asked a few people.”

When a conversation of this character has arrived at
some such point as this, it would be unwise to continue
longer in the same strain, the subjcet being hardly strong
enough to warrant it, unless a practical turn is given
to it, by the subject of over-crowded rooms being gone
into, together with the best modes of ventilation and the
proper number of guests that could be accommodated
within a given space; otherwise, it should be diverted
into a fresh channel in some such way as this :—

“Ts this the first entertainment of the sort you have
given in your new house? ”

“No, indeed. I asked you to a party we gave inPossible Small Talk. 83

 

the beginning of May, and you were out of town, I
think, or semething.”

“Something! why, I was laid up all May, and
was not able to go anywhere; and when you have been
compelled to give up society for a time, it is surprising
how difficult it is to get into harness again.”

“Do you mean that people forget to send invita-
tions, or that you don’t care to accept those you
receive P””

«A little of one and very much of the other; I
confess that the routine society imposes upon one,
jars, when one feels slightly out of gear; there seems
such a sameness and aimlessness about the whole
thing, that one begins to ask one’s self, whether it is
not after all but a huge mistake.”

“You are getting quite morbid. Society is well
cnough in its way; I should not attempt to sct the world
right, if Iwere you, but make the best of things as
they are: that is my philosophy.”

“That is an easy going view to take of things, but
it is not very high ground to go upon.”

If the lady conversing were desirous of pursuing the
conversation as to whether and in what way it were
women’s mission to do her best towards elevating the
tone of society, and of remodelling various of the laws
by which it is governed, she would have but to put some
leading remark to draw forth her companion’s Views,
and of stating her own ideas and convictions ; but
G 284 Society Small Talk.

 

if not desirous of continuing it, she would skilfully

lead it into another groove, although starting, perhaps,
from the last remark—

' “Ffigh ground, perhaps not, but I like to be sure

of my ground, and always to avoid dangerous eround

if I can, treading on people's prejudices, and so on, but

one often says the wrong thing, I find.”

“Qrotchety people and thin-skinned people are
always difficult to get on with, and one cannot help
rubbing them up the wrong way.”

“J think thin-skinned people, or people whose
vanity and sclf-love are always on the qui vive for a
slight or a wound are so much more trying than
people with a crotchet; one can humour the crotchet,
apart from the individual.”

“T am afraid that there is more theory than practice
in what you say. I did not observe that you were
particularly inclined to humour either my crotchet or
myself, just now.”

“Oh, that is quite different; it would not be good
for you if I did either.”

“How do you know? suppose you try it just for
once.”

A little badinage, interspersed with common
sense, gives conversation of even an ordinary cha-
racter a brightness and sparkle, a dash of colour,
as it were, taking from it an over-due amount of
ponderosity, not to say pedantry, or “tall talk,”Possible Small Tal. 85

 

 

which latter is the opposite of “small talk;” tall
talk, as understood by the many, is an undesirable
accomplishment or possession; we take it to mean
inflated language devoid of wit and humour, with
but a dilution of sense and meaning, it may be
handicapped with “ fine writing,’ in racing par-
lance, “there being very little between them.”
Clever people naturally adapt their conversation to
the idiosyncrasies of those with whom they are con-
versing, and badinage is as much out of place with
some people as is the idealistic with others. The
profession or pursuits of an individual should always
be taken into account when opening a conversation ;
at least this rule holds good between acquaintances,
while friends usually follow it from personal inclina-
tion and warm interest. It is always gratifying to an
individual to converse on those topics with which he
is most familiar and which he has most at heart;
therefore, his calling, profession, or pursuits, obviously
offer a direct road to conversation. ‘“ Where are
you quartered just now?” might be a useful lead
if addressed to a young man bearing Her Majesty’s
commission in a cavalry or a line regiment, outside
the Household Brigade, and upon his saying where
he was quartered and how he liked the place, the
next observation would probably be, “Is there much
going on there, and are there many pleasant people in
the neighbourhood ?”’ and, if a society man, he would86 Society Small Talk.

 

at once enter upon the subject with much explicitness
as to the people and amusements of the place; if not
a society man, he might say something to the effect,
that ‘‘He did not know much about it himself, as he
did not care for the sort cf thing; but that there
were two fellows in the regiment who did all the
going out, in the dancing and garden party way.”

“Only two! what becomes of all the others?”
queries a vivacious lady.

“Well, we are not very strong as to officers, only
half the regiment is with us, and B. and C. are the
only fellows that care for dances and garden parties.”

‘‘ Indeed, then, it is to be hoped that the two officers
who represent the regiment do it eredit ?”

«Oh yes, they are picked men, quite ladies’ men.”

“Then I don’t think I should lke them; I hate
what are called ladies’ men, they are such nonentitics.”

‘That is a very sweeping assertion; you ladies
are answerable for the existence of the class. Men
become ‘ladies’ men’ to please you, et puis you
affect to despise them.”’

“Oh, they do not become ladies’ men to please us,
but merely to please themselves—it is, I should say,
with them but a question of vanity as to how much
notice and how much spoiling they can obtain from
the ladies.”

‘‘You are very severe; I don't profess to be a
lady’s man myself, but I know some very good fellowsPosstble Small Talk. 87

who are great favourites with the ladies, and with
their own sex also, and who can do things a little
better than most men.”

 

 

 

“Ah, that is a different thing altogether, a
‘different man’; I was thinking of those men one
meets sometimes, mere dolls, I call them, and who
fritter away their lives in ladies’ drawing-rooms—who
play a hittle, sing a little, paint a little, and so on,
and who talk a certain sort of jargon under the im-
pression that they are talking high art.”

“JT suppose you ladies encourage this sort of thing
in this sort of man, or he would not be so much to the
front.”

“T don’t know about his being so much to the
front, as you say, but a man who can sing really well,
and who is always good-natured and unaffected about
singing when he is asked, is, of course, a favourite
wherever he goes—he is such an acquisition.”

“There it is; a@ man is good-natured and un-
spoilt, and you ladies at once begin to spoil him,
and then turn round upon him, when he becomes
conceited, which he is sure to do if you give him time
and plenty of adulation. <A fellowis only human, after
all, and he can only stand a certain amount of
spoiling.” |

“What degree of spoiling do you think men can
stand at the hands of ladies, and how long does it take
to make a really pleasant man conceited and foppish?”88 Soctety Small Talk.

 

“Tt depends very much upon the sort of man he is:
I am not qualified to give an opinion on the matter,
never haying been put to the test, and perhaps I
should not stand it better than other men if I were ;
one can’t say.”

‘Perhaps you do not care for ladies, and prefer the
company of your own sex ?”’

“Oh, I lke ladies well enough, but I like them in
their place, I don’t want to be always dancing attend-
ance upon them; one need not go to extremes, and one
is not obliged to dislike ladies even if one is not a
lady’s man.”

“T begin to believe you rather like them than not,
or have liked them at some time of your life, and
are now a blighted being, suffering from unrequited
affection, and so on.”

“Tam afraid not; I should be an interesting study
to you if I were, perhaps; but I am not a sufferer
from the tender passion, though I do not altogether
disbeheve in it; how can J, when the best-hearted
fellow I ever met died, I am told, from its effects but
the other day ? how far it was love, or how far it
was lungs, no one seemed to know. I conclude it
was the one reacting upon the other, the illness
caused by the lungs, and the depression caused by the
love, and that the two combined were too much for

him.”

“What a very sad story. I did not give your sexPossible Small Talk. 89

 

credit for feeling things so deeply ; one hears now and
then of a woman breaking her heart for a man, but a
hardly ever.”

 

man

‘You must take for granted that ‘there are more
things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in
your philosophy.’ ”

“‘T quite believe it; there is very much on carth
even that one does not half understand, and from
which spinitualists would have us believe that they
can partially lift the veil.”

‘Oh, spiritualism takes great hold upon you ladies.
I am aware you are so impressionable, and have such
nervous organizations, that this kind of thing would
naturally appeal to you; the weird, and the super-
natural, and the marvellous, have from earliest child-
hood a fascination for your sex.”

“Very true, but it is not only women who have
a leaning towards spiritualism; I have met a great
many men who have a strong bias in that direction.
T have hardly yet made up my mind whether
spiritualism be an uncanny science or whether it is
simply ‘a dallying with wrong that does no harm.’ ”

«Yes, one hears some curious and, I confess, start-
ling things from enthusiastic spiritualists. A man
said at dinner the other night that he could see three
spirits behind my back—skeletons—and that if a
spiritualist had been present, he could have photo-
graphed them. I expect we, many of us, have a90 Society Small Talk.

—

 

 

 

skeleton or two of our own in the cupboard, and the
cupboard is certainly the best place for them; anyhow,
we don’t want them at our backs when we are eating
our dinner.”

“TJ am quite sure it is not a subject to joke upon ;
there is, I think, a great deal of deception and trickery
going on among spiritual mediums as every one knows
from the exposures that have taken place, but at the
same time there is very much that is unexplainable,
or unexplained.”

A conversation which had thus strayed from subject
to subject until it had reached some such point as
this, could be continued ad infinitum, or directed to
some other point, say in this way—

“ And you ladies like to have everything explained.
Has not curiosity something to do with this desire of
eetting at the bottom of things ?”

“J think of all retorts the tw quoque is the weakest,
but I have often found men absurdly curious about
trifles.”

“You must not call that curiosity, you must call
it interest.”

“Oh, I see; then what is curiosity in woman, is
‘nterest in man. I admire the distinction and the
definition.”

Dialogues carried on in this strain afford an
opportunity of hearing other people’s opmions as
well as of stating one’s own, and of haying the roughPossible Small Talk.

edges of one’s prejudices filed, or of one’s views being
in a measure enlarged if directed to subjects of gencral
interest.

Supposing the calling of an individual to be that
of the law, and the one about to converse with him
had no certain ground to go upon beyond the know-
ledge that such was his profession, the subject started
with him should be one on which he might be ex-
pected to be thoroughly aw fait. The studying and
having a regard to the profession and pursuits of
individuals with whom one comes in contact in society
is not to be confounded with that rather objectionable
practice of perpetually talking “shop,” as this class of
talk is slangily and vulgarly termed. ‘To refer to the
proclivities of a legal gentleman, either he himself, or
the one conversing with him, would, if at a loss for a
suitable topic, allude or touch upon some prominent
case of interest somewhat in this way :—

“T see the so and so case is settled; I have not read
the trial, it seems to have been a complicated one.
Had you anything to do with it, or were you intec-
rested in it at all?”

To which the reply might be—-

“ Not personally; a man I know very well was one
of the counsel for the prosecution, and he never had a
shadow of a doubt as to which way it would go.”

‘“‘ How clever you legal men are! You seem to ar-
rive at the pith of everything by intuition.”92 Socrety Small Talk.

 

“Tntuition, my dear lady! say rather facts and a
certain power of making deductions therefrom.”

“From facts you jump at conclusions, I suppose ?”

“I hope not, we should probably jump very wide
of the mark, if we did.”

“Oh, I don’t know, I think one can generally
trust to one’s instinct in forming a conclusion; at
least, I generally find that if I endeayour to reason
away any first impression or idea, and so set it on
one side, I am sure afterwards to regret having
done so.”

“Accident favours your first impressions perhaps ;
and the general charge against you ladies is that you
do act from impulse, and decline to make use of your
reasoning powers.”

‘Ah, then I suppose you admire those strong-
minded women, who can reason with you by the hour,
and who speak from platforms and advocate women’s
suffrage.”

“Not at all; I do not approve of women stepping out
of their sphere into public life—woman’s best claim
upon man is her weakness, it is in reality her strength ;
when she places herself on an equality with him, she
throws down this shield and takes up the gauntlet, the
battle is then to the strong, and a woman fighting on
her own merits alone, and without the usual allow-
ances made to the weaker vessel, would soon find
herself put hors de combat.”Posstble Small Tatk.

 

 

« You do not like clever women then ?”

“Indeed, I do, very much, and I know several
very talented, accomplished, and clever women, I am
happy to say; but they are quite distinct from those
women who take up an idea, or a hobby, and mde it
to the death in print and out of it.”

‘Riding a hobby may be pleasant exercise enough
to the equestrian well mounted, but it is not so agrec-
able to the pedestrians who are ridden over by these
riders. Many people have hobbies, though, whether
they are aware of it or not; and I really am aware of
having a hobby of my own.”

“Pray don’t tell me about it if you have; I have
neither energy nor heart to oppose you, and, perhaps,
I should not be justified in encouraging you.”

“I ought not to call it a hobby. I have un-
necessarily alarmed you. I was only going to say I

9?

take a great interest in——
“T see, you will tell me—a great interest in what ?”

“Oh, I don’t think I will tell you now, I have
changed my mind; you would not care about it, as
you say.”

“Pray tell me what it is. If I can be of any
use to you, or if you want any advice, I shall be very
glad to give it you.”

“Thank you very much, I will accept the promise,
and you must redeem it another time.” |
And at this stage of some such conversation as the94 Soceety Small Talp.

 

foregoing, a new theme might be originated, or the
dialogue continued in the same strain, a word, some-
times sufficing to give it another range or outlet.

Politics, with the generality of men, are a strong
point, and when. this is so, they are always amenable
to a conversational lead on the subject; but it is one
that should be broached with caution, and a feeler
might be dexterously thrown out before hazarding an
opinion, to avoid the running counter to any strong
political bias, which, where it exists, is often strongly
felt, and still more strongly expressed. A false start
on this head often occasions a loss of ground which is
difficult to recover.

Mrs. A. might commence a conversation of this
nature with—

“I thought the two best speeches last night on
the question were made by Sir Henry D-——
and Mr. E

Mr. B.—* Oh, Mr. E.’s speech was by far the best of
the two; his way of putting the case was so clear and
concise, he took all the wind out of Sir Henry’s sails.”

A man loses very little time in making thoroughly
understood the nature of his political opinons. If the
one conversing with him be of the same way of
thinking, the conversation would doubtless consist

 

99
a
°

 

* Naming the two prominent men on the Ministerial and Opposition
benches who had spoken on any partieular question,Possible Small Talk. 95

 

of an harmonious duet of eulogies on the leader and
members of their party, but if the contrary were
the case, and opposite views were entertained, the
most moderate manner of stating them would be the
most conciliatory and would prevent the conversation
degenerating into a series of assertions and contradic-
tions. In the case of a lady being the oppositionist,
she should rather convey the idea that she was open
to conviction and to conversion, as by this means she
would gracefully lead her companion on to a further
exposition of his political principles, throwing the
reins of conversation into his hands, and allowing
him a clear course for an agreeable canter.

Mrs. A.—“I am rather an admirer of Sir Henry.
I think him very clever; besides, he is a great friend
of mine, so perhaps you will say I am prejudiced in
his favour.”

B.—‘‘I should think you very likely were; I
have heard he is a pleasant fellow, and quite knows
what to say to the ladies.”

Mrs. A.—‘ Oh, but he is very amusing, and that is
one of the reasons why he is so popular.”

B.—“What do you cail being amusing? joking,
punning, or laughing at his own stories? ”

Mrs. A.—“Oh, not the being a punster, certainly.
A man who strains and distorts a word that he may
arrive at a pun, and expects you to laugh when you
fail to sce the joke, is to me the reverse of amusing.”96 Society Small Talk.

 

B.—“Some people are so devoid of humour, that
they cannot sce the point of any story, or the pith of
any joke ; while others, a little less dense, discover it
for themselves probably half an hour after it has been
perpetrated.”

Mrs. A., who declines to acknowledge the sarcasm as
levelled at herself, even if she has observed it, con-
tinues amiable. (This continuing a conversation
blandly in the face of occasional dry retorts, disarms
further attacks, and is a skilful line of tactics to
pursue under such circumstances ; to *‘ cut up rough,”
to use a homely expression, would be an exhibition
of weakness, and by no means politic.)

Mrs. A.— “Yes, I know the sort of people you
mean; they suddenly laugh aloud when everyone else
is a long way ahead of the pleasantry, and one looks
round in surprise to discover the cause of this isolated
merriment.”

B.— “You are right; to see a man laughing
apropos of nothing, as one thinks, gives cone the
idea that he is a little wrong in his head.” When
a laugh is going on provoked by something that 1s
being said, those not near enough to have caught
the bon mot, or who, if they have caught it, have
not seen the drift of it through ignorance of the
cause from which it arose, always feel annoyed or
agerieved, more or less, as if an injury had been done
them, and usually say, rather testily, “May I askPossible Small Talk.
ee

what is the joke?” and if it be repeated for their
benefit, although mollified and appeased, they r
condescend to laugh, perhaps because the contagion
of general laughter is lacking: consequently a joke or

OF,

 

arely

5?
witticism which in the first instance was thought

good enough to provoke a hearty laugh, on the
second hearing is discovered to be but a poor one
after all.

Mrs. A.—“Taughter, hearty, merry laughter, is
wonderfully contagious, certainly. I think there is
a great deal in a laugh, I mean a natural, musical,
genuine laugh ; what a pleasant thing it is to hear,
and how few people there are who have a really agree-
able laugh!”

B.—“ Very few, as you say. <A boisterous and
noisy laugh is odious; there is no heartiness in such
mirth ; in fact, it is a misnomer to call it so.”

Mrs. A.—“‘J dislike a society laugh almost as much ;
a sort of forced laugh, with a hollow ring in it.”

B.— Tt is the kind of laugh one most often hears,
though ; it 1s ready for all occasions; it is polite, con-
cihatory, complimentary, and conventional, and is
never objectionable or vulgar, as is the boisterous
guffaw.”

Mrs. A.—“ To me there is a ring of sadness about
this stereotyped laugh, the effort of will rather than
the offspring of joy, pleasure, or appreciation.”

B.—“ What a society laugh, as you call it, is

a98 Soctety Small Talk.

 

with us men, is with you ladies an ‘affected laugh,’
something between a simper and a giggle, constructed
on fashionable principles to do duty in fashionable
circles.”’

Mrs. A.—‘“ What an unkind comparison ; the school-
sil gigeles, and the young miss simpers, and in your
experience of society have the women you know made
no advance upon this?”

B.—“The gencrality of women one meets do not
appear to have done so, but rather to have cultivated
these mannerisms, and to have grafted the one on to the
other. ‘There are women, of course, who are endowed
with that precious possession, a low, rippling, musical,
joyous laugh; a charming gift in woman, and of the
many graces that served to render beautiful and
accomplished women famous in their day, this parti-
cular gift ranked high, as you know.”

Conversation such as this, and which could be
carried on by individuals of the most average intelli-
gence, might here be permitted to meander into the
reminiscences of the past connected with the feminine
world, on or off the stage, through the allusion to
popular women—celebrities of a bygone day—or the
previous subject, laughs and laughter, might be further
pursued, there being many clever things to be said on
this particular head, so much so, that it would be
hardly expedient to propose such a flight to the
mediocre talker for whose benefit, and as an examplePossible Small Talk. 99

 

 

of an easy and fluent mode of conversing, this class of
conversation is imagined, and to prove how easy it is
to weave a sort of average “small talk” out of the

merest trifle, and without the smallest perceptible
effort.CHAPTER VI.

‘ ATRY NOTHINGS OF THE BALL-ROOM.”’

BaLi-Room conversation, or the small talk that does
duty for conversation, is proverbially frivolous and
inane. It is easy enough to sit down and write a
homily upon the frivolous talk of young people in the
pall-room, but que voules-vous—if the conversation is
frivolous, it is not to be wondered at, seeing that people
usually go to a ball with a frivolous intent, namely, to
dance, and as the verb to dance is usually conjugated
with the verb to flirt, thus, I dance and flirt, he or
she dances and flirts, they dance and flirt, anything
solid or sensible in the way of conversation is under
the circumstances not to be expected ; in addition to
which two-thirds of the company at an ordinary ball
consist of young men and maidens, maidens from
seventeen, and young men from eighteen, whose one
idea it is to dance, and who have no thought or care
about making themselves agreeable from a conversa~
tional point of view, considering, if they consider at all,
that if they are good dancers, their partners ought to
be thoroughly satisfied, which view of things is fairlyArry Nothings of the Ball-room. 101

 

correct; the young people are thoroughly satisfied
with each other, they talk up to each othevr’s level
when they do talk, and they are always extremely
polite, and make use of the most stereotyped sentences,
which are very proper and suitable to the occasion, but
the young lady and the young gentleman who attempt
to conjugate the one verb with the other, travel far
beyond these ball-room platitudes.

A young gentleman desirous of dancing with a
young lady to whom he has been introduced, says
with a certain self-possession of manner: “ Will
you give me a dance?” or “ What dance may I
have?” Formerly it was the fashion for the young
man to say: ‘ May I have the pleasure of dancing
with you?” but the youth of the present day
adopts a much more familiar style of address, and
if ever so slightly acquainted with the young lady, he
assumes a pleading tone when asking her to dance,
and says: “I hope you have kept a dance for me,”
or “May I not dance something with you?” or
“Won't you spare me a dance?” or more familiarly
still he says, “ Will you dance this?” or “Shall we
take a tum?” The “Are you engaged for this
dance?” although not so familiar, is a very general
formula at London balls, or at balls where it is con-
sidered unfashionable to use programmes.

To these different “ invitations & la valse,” a young
lady no longer answers, “I shall be very happy.”102 Soceety Small Talk.

This phrase has disappeared in company with ‘“ May
I have the pleasure?” and the young lady of to-day
replies very practically, accordingly as to whether the
applicant is in favour or not. “Certainly, I am not
engaged for number five, nine, or thirteen,” or “ Tam
afraid I have not one to spare except number fourtecn,
a quadrille,” or “J will give you a dance if you will
come for it a little later, I am engaged for the next
three dances,” or “Thank you, yes.” To the ques-
tion of “ Are you engaged for this dance?” some
foolish maidens reply that they do not think that they
are engaged, at the same time being thoroughly aware
that they are not, and the young men: also are aware
that the maidens are finessing, and averse to making
the direct admission that they are in want of partners.
A young lady with tact and aplomb escapes from this
dilemma by replying with great readiness to this ques-
tion, ‘‘I am very glad to say that Iam not,’ which
rejoinder is flattering to the young gentleman, giving
him the impression that the young lady could have been
engaged for this dance had she so pleased, but that she
ereatly preferred waiting for the chance of his asking
her to dance ; she may or may not have been actuated
by this hope, but if by some expression of pleasure at
not being engaged for the dance which is at the
moment asked for, she puts her partner on good

terms with herself and himself; it argues well for hez

success In the ball-room.

   

aa| Atry Nothings of the Ball-room. 103

 

 

 

Those elderly maiden ladies who shake their heads
over what they term the vapid and silly conversation
heard in the ball-room, should endeavour to recall the
days of their youth, and to recollect whether the active
exercise of dancing was conducive to anything but the
most desultory of observations, disjointed sentences,
questions and answers.

The small talk of the ball-room does not and 1s not
expected to soar above polite commonplaces relative
to the occasion. The materials for the making of
small talk which the ball-room itself supplies are de-
cidedly limited, and if cnumerated, might be summed up
thus: the band, the flowers, the floor, and later on the
supper ; commonplace people perpetually go the round
and ring the changes upon these with but very little
variation in the phrasing of the sentences which they
deliver at different times during the evening; phrases
such as these, for instance, “ What a good band 16185

“ How well the band plays ;” “Itis a capital band ;”
“ What a good ball thisis ;”’ “ This isa very full ball ;”
“This is a better ball than it was last year oP CO Sis
not such a good ball as it was last year ;” “ What a
good floor it is;” “1 think the floor is very good; ”’
“Don’t you find the floor very slippery ;” “ How
pretty the flowers look;’? “The flowers are very
pretty, are they not?” ‘1 think the flowers are so
pretty, don’t you 2” The frequent repetition of these
statements is apt to pall upon the hearer, the slight1O4 Society Small Talk.

 

 

difference in the construction of each sentence hardly
offering sufficient variety to render it more palatable
after perhaps the tenth time of hearing. Leaving
these topics to those who cannot conveniently get
on without them, it is advisable to branch away from
them in any direction, even if compelled to start with
them through the pertinacity of a partner. Again,
When men well over thirty are amongst the ener-
getic waltzers, they generally find themselves talk-
ing down to the level of their young lady partners,
and are apparently content with the responses their
questions extract, which questions generally take the
form of “‘ Have you been to many balls this season ? ”
to which the answer would probably be, “ No, I have
not been to many balls yet ;” and if a country young
lady, she would doubtless add, “That she is going
to one next week.” The next interrogation would
perhaps be, “I suppose you are very fond of dancing ?”
to which the reply would be, “ Yes, I am, verve. Nl
series of questions and answers up to this mark will
last out a dance, unless a young lady possesses sufh-
cient animation and esprit to prove to her partner that
she is not quite so insipid as he had supposed, in
which case he would desist from this mild form of
questioning and take a rather higher flight, not too high
a one, lest he should alarm her, and cause her to con:
sider him eccentric ; neither would she fly too high, for
tear of his afterwards speaking of her as “a very oddAiry Nothings of the Ball-room. 0

—

 

 

girl.’ Thus a young lady, when asked if she were
fond of dancing, would perhaps say, “I like it very
well, but there are many things I like quite as much,”
this would give her partner an opening for inquiring
as to what amusements pleased and interested her
other than that of dancing, when similarity of tastes
might be discovered and congenial ideas developed.
Affirmatives and negatives close the avenues of talk
leading to nothing and nowhere. When this form of
reply is necessary, it should at least be qualified by
some additional remark which might possibly prove a
handle for further discourse. The “Yes I am,” and
7 No, Tam riot;” “ Yes,a is 7’? ov “No, ib igmog
or the “ Yes, I do; ” or the “ No, I do not;” or the
“ Yes, I think so;”? or “No, I think not,” form’ of
replies are as chilling as they are brief, and offer little
or no encouragement for the making of further conyer-
sational efforts. Any of these replics taken singly,
and qualified even in an interrogative form, would be
an improvement upon the uncompromising egotistical
affirmative or negative. Thus, to “ Yes, I think
so,” might be added, “ What do you think about it;
you have not told me as yet?” In place of a decided
“ No, Iam not,” it would be less formal and altogether
more pliant ana pleasant were the reply to be, ‘I do
not think I am, very. Do you care about it much ?”
thus drawing out an opinion in place of putting an
end to the subject by a cold assertion.[oo Soctety Small Le alk.

 

Conversation which takes place between married
ladies who dance, and gentlemen with whom they
dance, is usually of too friendly and intimate a cha-
racter to be denominated small talk, but even were it
otherwise, the small talk requisite for the occasion
would naturally be made through the channels of
mutual associations, and mutual friends, which remark
equally applies to the conversation that takes place
between elderly ladies and their contemporaries, the
patrons and patronesses of a ball; they also have too
much common ground to go upon to need the aid of
extraneous small talk, save under exceptional circum-
stances, when it could be readily called to the rescue.

Ball-room introductions are a great feature at a ball.
The manner of making introductions has been already
described in a former work ;* but, it has already been
said, the asking a favour or the making a request 1s not
what is understood by small talk, while the conversa-
tion which follows the introduction is genuine small
talk.

The ball-room is essentially the place where com-
plimentary nothings are airily uttered and blandly
received, nothings of this calibre for example, “This is
our dance, I think,” remarks a gentleman gallantly
offering his arm to a lady, “‘ You are not afraid of my
being able to pilot you through this crowd, are you?”
If the lady replies to this speech by an unqualified

*¢ Manners and Tone of Good Society.”Ary Nothings of the Ball-room. 107

 

negative of “ No, not at all,” the gentleman would be
under the necessity of casting about for another open-
ing, but if on the contrary she were to say, “No, I
shall believe in you until you prove that my confidence
is misplaced,” a young man, on so graceful an ad-
mission, could only say “That he was proud of the
trust reposed in him ;” and “ That he considered him-
self put upon his trial, as it were; and “That he
was confident of being able to steer his fair partner
safely through the crowded ball-room.”
Complimentary speeches and airy nothings differ
from legitimate topics of conversation, and do not
admit of much strain being put upon them; if con-
tinued beyond the moment, they come dangerously near
the region of flirtation, and failing this, they become flat
or insipid, all the sparkling effervescence having evapo-
rated. Thus, were a lady in the pauses of the waltz,
to return to the charge by complimenting her partner
on his cleverness in steering her through the crowd,
the remark would lose its point, and her partner would
consider the speech fulsome and the lady tiresome.
If he wished for a compliment on his performance, he
would solicit such when the dance was over, when
anything flattering a lady had to say would be listened
to with supreme satisfaction. Ifa lady discovers that
her partner is a good waltzer, a neat way of compli-
menting him would be to throw out the suggestion that
he had probably been much abroad. Thus she would108 Soctety Small Talk.

 

say, “I suppose you have been some time in Germany,
have you not?” to which he would retort, if it were
the case, “‘Ilow did you guess that?” or if it were
not the case, he would say, “ No, indeed, why did you
think soP?”? Then would be the moment for the
malang of the compliment after some such fashion as
this: “Anyone who has been much abroad, I find
generally waltzes so well, so I thought you must have
been in Germany for some little time.” This would
give a man a line which he might safely follow,
whether he had experiences of his residence on the
Continent to relate, or the how he came to be so great
an adept in the art of waltzing.
If, as is sometimes the case, a lady finds that her
partner’s dancing does not realize her expectations, a
polite way of making this opinion known to him so as
to avoid wounding his amour propre, would be for her
tosay: “Iam afraid I am not dancing your step ; we
do not seem to get on well, do we?” or “If you do
not mind, I think I should like to sit down, I would
rather not take another turn just yet;” or she might
say, ““ What step do you dance ? I do not seem to haye
fallen into your step yet?” whereupon the young
man would gallantly declare that he was in fault, and
if @ very young man, and very determined to dance
with the young lady, he would express a wish to be
told or taught her step.

The broad and airy compliments which men of aAiry Nothings of the Ball-room. 109

 

 

certam standing consider themselves privileged to
pay te young ladies, are not to be paid indiscriminately
by ordinary mortals, the right of so doing belong-
ing to those men who have a recognised reputation
for this style of persiflage, and whose light badinage is
taken at its real value, gallantry and admiration of
the sex, rather than individual preference being its
motive power. This flowery style of address which
comes so glibly from the lips of these society men, is
slightly disconcerting to those youthful maidens and
young matrons who are lacking in the spirit of repartee,
and who are too matter-of-fact to attempt a witty re-
jomder, by turning the tables with a tu quoque style
of compliment, this feat not being a very general accom-
plishment amongst young ladies, whose artless questions :
often provoke a labyrinth of pretty speeches. To such
a feeble remark from a young lady as, “How well
the rooms are lighted,” the flood-gates of flowery
rhetoric might be opened by a flowery gentleman
thus: “Yes, by the light of beauty’s eyes, and you
are lending your share, which is not a small one, to the
general illumination, the brilliancy of which is almost
too dazzling to a poor mortal like myself, to whom it
is well that moments such as these are brief, else the
reaction would be destructive to my peace of mind, if
not altogether fatal to it.” If, in answer to the above,
a young lady were to remark smilingly, ‘“‘ How absurd ©
you are,” or if she were to laugh, being amused, but110 Society Small Talk.

 

not knowing exactly what to say, she would feel vexed
with herself at not being able to rally him, and he
would have but a poor idea of her intelligence and
quickness of perception, but if she were able to parry
his attack with any degree of spirit, he would respect
her cleverness accordingly, and continue to provoke a
further display of it, and the lady’s retort would be very
much after this fashion : |

“T thought you were looking a little pale and over-
come, the effect of this blaze of beauty as you say.
Which particular lamp or candle would you like to
have extinguished, and am I a big coloured lamp, a wax
candle, or a gas jet?” the answer would probably be
to the effect, ‘That she might consider herself which-
ever she pleased, an alabaster lamp with a blue shade
over it, or a transparent wax candle.”

Personal attire and the ornaments worn provoke
much light banter in the ball-room in this wise: “I
envy that butterfly perched so daintily on your hair
close to that shell-hke ear. What secrets would I not
whisper were I so near. Happy butterfly!” The re-
joinder might be made in the same spirit of fun.
©The butterfly isnot so happy as youthink; I shutit
up in a velvet case when I go home for fear of losing
it. Now one could not shut you-up, and you would
not like it evenif one could.” Or the retort might be,
“Unlike you, my butterfly has no feeling, so it does
not appreciate its happiness, which is, I believe, cha-Airy Nothings of the Lall-room. 111
ae ee

racteristic of butterflies ; you ought to know something
about it.” Here the rallying answer might be:

“You are kind enough to anticipate my future; I
have not found my wings as yet, I am still in a
chrysalis state.” A lady desirous of having the last
word, might be tempted to say, “Then you are safer
to hold if not so pretty to keep, so I think on the
whole you had better retain your chrysalis condition
for the present.”

 

To envy the roses on a lady’s dress, or to tell her
that she outvies the beauty of the flowers she wears,
are very hackneyed similes, so hackneyed that a young
lady can hardly be excused if not found ready with a
laughing retort; and it may be remembered that the
strictly practical reply caps with good effect the most
poetical or hyperbolical of comparisons, if a rejoinder
in the same high-flown strain is not at the moment
forthcoming, and with many, such a moment never
arrives, while the practical is always within reach and
always available.CHAPTER VII.

““VULGARISMS OF SPEECH.”

CERTAIN words and certain expressions, innocent
and inoffensive in themselves, have degenerated
into so-called vulgarisms, through constant use and
misuse, while others have become vulgarised, suffer-
ing from an exaggerated pronunciation. And words
which have a stamp of vulgarity, if used in one
sense, are restored to their original position when
used in another. The misapplication of words is
doubtless one of the main reasons of their becoming
vulgarised, so to speak; added to which, a word or
expression that is constantly im the mouth of all,
like a style or make of a garment adopted by all,
speedily becomes denominated vulgar or common.
Thus, words and expressions are tabooed by general
consent, which, had they been allowed but to retain
their original place, would never have forfeited their
reputation or have fallen into disfavour.

There are many words and expressions which are
still on the borderland of vulgarity from the sameVulgarisms of Speech. 113

 

cause, and which only require a little further pressure
to cause them to join the ranks of the discarded ones,
perhaps to be rehabilitated at some future day, and
to resume their proper place all the fresher for their
enforced rest.

The terms “ladies” and “gentlemen” become in
themselves vulgarisms when misapplied; and simple
as they are in themselves, yet the improper applica-
tion of the wrong term at the wrong time—the
calling a man “a gentleman” when he should be
called ‘a man,” or speaking of a man as “aman”
when he should be spoken of as “a gentleman”’; or
alluding to a lady as ““a woman” when she should
be alluded to as “a lady,” or speaking of a woman
as ‘“‘a lady” when she should properly be termed
‘a, woman’’—makes all the difference in the world to
ears polite. Tact, and a sense of the fitness of things,
decide these points, there being no fixed rule to go
upon to determine when a man is a man or when he
is a gentleman ; and, although he is far oftener termed
the one than the other, he does not thereby lose his
attributes of a gentleman, of being “a man raised
above the vulgar, a man of good breeding, a man of
extraction, or a man of birth.”

In common parlance a man is always a man to a
man, and never a gentleman; to a woman he is
occasionally a man and occasionally a gentleman ; but

a man would far oftener term a woman ‘a woman”
I114 Society Small Talk.

—

than he would term her ‘‘a lady.” When a man makes
use of an adjective in speaking of a lady, he almost
invariably calls her a woman; thus, he would say,
“T met a rather agreeable woman at dinner last
night;” but he would not say, “I met an agreeable
lady ;” but he might say, “A lady, a friend of mine,
told me,” &¢., when he would not say, “A woman,
a friend of mine, told me,” &. Again, a man would
say, ‘Which of the ladies did you take in to
dinner?” he would certainly not say, ‘“ Which of
the women,”’ &e.

Speaking of people en masse, it would be to belong
to the very advanced school to refer to them
in conversation as ‘“‘men and women,” while it
would be all but vulgar to style them “ladies and
gentlemen ;” the compromise between the two being
to speak of them as ‘ladies and men:” thus, a lady
would say, “I have asked two or three ladies and
several men;” she would not say, “I have asked
several men and women,” neither would she say, “I
have asked several ladies and gentlemen.” And
speaking of numbers, it would be very usual to say,
‘There were a great many ladies and but very few
men present,” or, ‘The ladies were in the majority,
so few men being present.” Again, a lady would
say, ‘I expect two or three men to dinner,” but she
would not say, ‘I expect two or three gentlemen to
dine with us.” Again, she would say, ‘Are there

2 SC ieeeVulgarisms of Speech. hs

 

 

many men here, friends of yours?” she would not
say, “Are there many gentlemen here, friends of
yours?” When people are on ceremony with each
other, they might perhaps in speaking of a man call
him “a gentleman,” but otherwise it would be more
usual to speak of him as “a man.” Ladies, when
speaking of each other, usually employ the term
“woman” in preference to that of “lady.” Thus,
in speaking of each other they would say, “She is
a very good-natured woman,” “What sort of a
woman is she?” the term “lady” being entirely out
of place under such circumstances. Again, the term
‘young lady” gives place as far as possible to the
term “girl,” although it greatly depends upon the
amount of intimacy existing as to which term is
employed.

Amongst the tabooed words, “stylish” and “ gen-
teel” are relegated to the show-room, where they are
very much at home in each other’s company, although
considered decidedly vulgar when met with elsewhere.
“Stylish” being bred in the show-room is the right
word in the right place, but it is hard upon unfor-
tunate ‘ genteel,” that, conveying in itself so much,
it should have met with such a fate. ‘‘Nice’’ bids
fair to follow in the footsteps of discarded words ;
standing alone as an adjective, though passé, it still
has its admirers, but when to nice is added either

“awfully” or ‘too,’ then nice is altogether out
E2116 Soceety Small Talk.

 

of favour. “Jolly” is well enough on the lips of a
schoolboy, to whom it now of right belongs, a right
which no one disputes; but slang proper is and never
can be anything else than vulgar, and those who
delight in its use for the embellishment of their
specch, to all intents and purposes intend to be
vulgar. “If we accommodate ourselves to the vulgar
in our speech, why not also in our deportment ?”’

The peculiar manner in which certain people pro-
nounce certain words under the impression that the
doing so is fine and fashionable, is in itself the height
of vulgarity. This affectation is not only confined
to individuals in private life, but is greatly followed
by certain actors and actresses when impersonating
fashionable characters in domestic dramas of high life,
with whom kind becomes ky-end, cruel becomes cru-ell,
dear is no longer dear, but de-ar; and beer changes to
bee-ar, sky to ske-ey, quarrel to quar-rell, garden to
guar-den, guardian to ge-ar-de-in, and so on. They
in a way endeavour to out-Walker Walker, the result
of such pronunciation being more funny than fine.
“T,adies, be seated’”’ is a favourite expression with
the many, and although in itself it would appear to
be a harmless and innocent little phrase enough, yet
is it banished from polite circles on the ground of its
being a yvulgarism.

“ Good morning” and “ Good afternoon” are open
to the same objections as are the words “ladics”Vulgarisms of Speech. 117

 

and “gentlemen,” ‘‘men” and “women.” There are
times when the application of these words is correct
and times when it is considered incorrect. At a
morning call, for instance, both these expressions
would be out of place, unfashionable, and odd, “ How
do you do?” and “ Good-bye” being the recognised
formulas between friends and acquaintances; while
between strangers or between business men, or
between people meeting on business matters, or be-
tween inferiors and superiors, the “Good morning”

and ‘Good afternoon” are the only expressions in

use by way of salutation, farewell, or dismissal.

The verb “To take” is open to the being consi-

dered a vulgar verb when used in reference to dinner,
tea, or general refreshments. ‘‘ Will you take some
teaP’? “ Will you take any refreshments?” “ Will

you take some mutton?” ‘“ Will you take some

soup ?’’ in fact, any request which has for its object
the fortifying of the inner man, if prefaced by “ Will

you take,” is not considered to be comme il faut, the

verb in favour for the offering of these civilities being

the verb “ To have.”

Why the one verb should be

in fashion and the other out of favour is not difficult
of comprehension, and society may be congratulated

upon its insistance on having the mght verb in the

right place, providing that the verb “to take” be
taken to mean “to seize what is not given,” to

‘catch by surprise or artifice,” to “lay hold on,” “ to118 Society Small Talk.

 

snatch, to seize, or to get hold of a thing in almost
any way,’ leaving out of the question any other ap-
pleation of this verb; while the verb “to have,”
when used in this sense, must be taken to mean “to
obtain, to enjoy, to possess;” thus all enjoyment would
appear to be derived through the verb “To have,”
and not through the verb “ To take.”

3

“Don't you know,” “You know,” “Don’t you
see,” “I say,” are blemishes of speech whensoever
they are used; but some few people contract the ugly
habit of making use of these expressions unconsciously
and contimuously—perpetually interlarding their con-
versation with them.

The word “ Fellow,” however much in use it may
be between men, sounds very objectionable from the
hips of women; and some women are given to the
foolish conceit of speaking of every man they may
happen to know as a “Dear fellow,” a “Charming
fellow,” a “ Handsome fellow,” or a “ Clever fellow.”

“Beau” and “Belle” are terms now no longer in
use; and for “ Beau” no equivalent has as yet been
discovered, although the “ Beauty” has replaced the
“ Belle.”

Out of the nursery it is not customary for children
to style their parents otker than by the good old-
fashioned reverential names of “Father” and
“Mother.” “Papa” and “ Mamma” are now nursery
names only; but “Pa” and “Ma,” those unpleasantVulgarisns of Speech. 119

abbreviations, are now happily quite out of date.
The “dram and kettledrum” of former days are
words that have fallen into disuse, if they are not
altogether obsolete, “Five o’clock tea” and “ At
home” having usurped their place.

The courteous ‘Thank you” has in a measure
replaced the uncourteous “Thanks,” and it is no

> to make this curt

longer considered “very fine’
curtailment.

To ignore the letter “h” is so palpable a vulgarism
of speech that it is almost superfluous to allude to it,
and yet it is surprising how many well-informed and
even well-educated people entirely dispense with its
use, evidently oblivious that they are guilty of com-

mitting so vulgar an error.CHAPTER VIII.

UBIQUITOUS BEACONS.

THERE 1s a certain kind of small talk irritating
in the extreme, and with which ladies frequently
favour society, founded upon purely domestic matters
only appropriate to the home circle. Ignoring
this fact, they freely indulge their friends with
copious details of their particular grievances and
other equally private matters, which, although of
paramount interest to themselves, are devoid of in-
terest to the strangers before whom they are related.
At a luncheon, for instance, where perhaps five or
six people are met together, two or three of whom
are strangers to the rest, a talkative lady, who has
not an idea beyond her nursery and her household,
will monopolize the attention of the hostess and
usurp the general conversation by an open and ani-
mated exposition of some recent experience of her
own, the scene of action being either the kitchen or

the nursery. Wherever these ladies are encounteredUbiquitous Beacons. 121

 

—and the class is a numerous one, so that the pro-
bability of meeting one of them amounts to almost a
certainty—they will, if they can only make an oppor-
tunity, bore their friends m public as they have bored
their husbands im private. A wise woman neither
teases her husband with such petty details, nor takes
the world at large into her confidence; and, when
desirous of unburdening her soul to some female
friend and counsellor, does so in the privacy of a
téte-d-téte. At these small luncheon parties, so small
that every observation is heard by all, and where,
when one person insists on talking down the others,
she is generally allowed to have her way, it cannot
be supposed that dialogue such as the following can
prove other than intensely tiresome to those thus
obliged to listen to 1:

«We are rather unsettled just now; my cook has
given me warning because she cannot get on with
the butler, and I would rather have parted with him
than with her; but she did not give me the choice,
and is quite determined to go. The butler I had
before this one gave me a great deal of trouble; I
had to send him away at a minute’s notice; and this
one I have only had a month, but I am sure I do
not know how he will turn out, although I had a
eood character with him, therefore he ought to be a
good servant.”

The hostess would here put in, sympathetically:hae Soceety Small Talk.

“T hope he may suit you; it is a great bore having
to change one’s servants.”

The talkative lady, having recovered breath, says
in answer to this: ‘Indeed, it is; I should have
parted with my housemaid long ago, she is so very
bad-tempered, though such a good servant; but I am
afraid I shall have to do so after all, as my nurse
and her are not at all good friends. When we
were away last week nurse wanted to go and see her
mother, who is ill, only for an hour or so after the
children were in bed, and she positively refused to sit
with them, although I had expressly asked her to do
so, if necessary.”

To which the hostess would pityingly rejoin:
‘How very disobliging of her.”

With this encouragement the catalogue of house-
hold woes would be further continued, merely broken
by an occasional ejaculation drawn from one or other
of the guests of, “How very provoking!” “How
unfortunate !”’ and so on.

This is no exaggerated example of the irritating
twaddle in which some ladies indulge, to the exclu-
sion of all other topics, and to which sensible people
are too often compelled to listen.

Another class of inveterate talkers, perhaps equally

irritating, is the lady who may be looked upon as a
talking abridgement of ““Who’s Who?” She delights

in dilating upon the subject of the relationships andUbiquitous Beacons. 128
connections of her friends and acquaintances on the
principle that, “If Dick’s father is Tom’s son, what
relation is Dick to Tom?” This subject is to many
as bewildering as it is puzzling, the people under dis-
cussion being seldom of sufficient interest for their
various degrees of relationships and their numerous
family ties to be constantly borne in mind; but this
want of interest by no means damps the ardour of
a lady bent on improving the mind and assisting the
memory of the company in general from her fund
of information. She requires but very little to start
her on her way; she is not one of those ladies who
are at a loss for a subject, as she has always her
especial subject at command. She merely requires
a slight hint as to the locality or particular county
from which one or other of the guests may have
arrived, when the individual is pounced upon and
attacked with—

“Do you know the B—s, in Blankshire ? they are
near neighbours of your friends the C—s. A cousin of
theirs married a sister-in-law of Mr. C.; she was a
widow, and her first husband was a brother of Captain
D., who has a pretty place in Hampshire.”

The unfortunate man who happens to have come
from Blankshire, and who is unable to follow the
lady’s lead, catches at the one tangible idea that he
is able to grasp, and says, “Indeed! a place in
Hampshire?” But he is not allowed to remain longSoctety Small Talk.

   
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
    
  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
   

124

 

in quiet enjoyment of the place in Hampshire, as he
is at once introduced to the married sisters of Mrs. D.
after this fashion :

“Mrs. D. was a daughter of Colonel L. She had
two pretty sisters ; one made a very bad marriage—she
married a Mr. O., with no propects whatever ; he was
a lieutenant at the time, and Colonel L., her father,
tried to get him an adjutancy in some regiment of
militia, but did not succeed, so they were obliged to
go out to India; but he hopes to get his captaincy
soon, and exchange into another regiment. The
younger sister, who is not so pretty as Mrs. O.,
married a man much older than herself; they live
in Forfarshire the greater part of the year: she has
two children. A cousin of her husband’s married a
connection of my husband’s: it was rather odd; he
was brought up to be his uncle’s heir, Sir George Q.
—I dare say you have heard of him P”

To which the careless answer might be: “I fancy
I have heard the name.”’

The lady, fearing to lose the lead, resumes
quickly : ‘“‘The nephew I was speaking of is the son

| of Sir George Q—’s eldest sister, and her brother’s
marriage took her quite by surprise; he was over
sixty, and rather a valetudinarian, and the young

lady was only nineteen.”
Some one present having heard the conversation
from the last break would perhaps strike in with:Ubiguetous Leacons. 125

 

“Young girls seem rather partial to elderly bride-
grooms. I met an interesting couple of this descrip-
tion when I was staying down in Wiltshire the other
day.”

“T know some parts of Wiltshire very well,” re-
marks the former loquacious lady. ‘“‘ Were you
staying anywhere near Devizes? and did you meet
the W—s?” ‘TI was staying the other side of the
county with some old friends of mine, Mr. and
Mrs. §.,” might be the quiet answer to such an in-
terrogation.

A lady whose ideas run in this groove is ever
anxious to add to her stock of knowledge, and she
generally possesses a certain kind of cleverness worthy
of a better cause, which enables her to put an indirect
question when it would be almost impertinent to put
a direct one, and having extracted the information
as to where one of the guests has been staying, she
would follow it up with the further question of:

« Who was Mrs. 8. ?”

This inquiry is a very favourite one with a lady of
this description, and she is ever putting the question
of, “ Who was she?” in reference to every married
woman mentioned in her hearing; while, with regard
to every man who may be mentioned, as she cannot
say, “ Who was he ?” seeing that is what he was, she
changes the form of inquiry into, “ Who was his
father 2?” or, “ Whose son is he ?”126 Soctety Small Talk.

 

By this means she amasses a vast number of bald
facts on the subject of connections, relationships, and
inter-marriages; she also greatly concerns herself
with the question of dower, and as to whether a
certain young lady brought her husband any money
on her marriage, or whether she was a dowerless
bride.

There are many ladies who have been well edu-
cated according to the general standard of home
education—amiable, good-natured, pleasant people in
all the relations of life—but who have never been
credited with too much intelligence from their youth
upwards, and who, when relating the simplest inci-
dent, or when endeavouring to express any opinion
or even intention of their own, become verbose and
hazy, through a habit of not concentrating their
ideas. Thus they usually take the longest and most
circuitous route to arrive at a given point, and when
the goal has been at length reached, and the thread
has been wearily followed through many windings,
and turnings, and yvagarious wanderings from the

main line, they, fearing that they have not been
sufficiently explicit, and having a vague idea that
perhaps they have rambled a little on their journey,
commence to retrace their steps from the first halting
place, or from some point where they fancy they may
have been a trifle obscure. These ladies are quite
distinct from the Nickleby order of lady, being supe-Ubiquitous Beacons. 127

 

 

rior in many respects—if not with regard to intelli-
gence and sense, not being prosy and elderly, but
young and handsome, or middle-aged and comely,
yet belonging to that type of woman whom a
man in his anger would be very apt to term a
Zo00se.

One of these cheerful ramblers would perhaps
commence a discourse with:

“You know what a lovely day last Thursday
was? I think I told you we were to go down to
Maidenhead ?”

“Well, what prevented your going?” would be
the natural query of her listener.

‘¢ Prevented us!”

would be the surprised rejoinder.
‘“What made you think we were prevented going?
Why, we went. I was going to tell you all about
it, We were a large party—five-and-twenty people.
It was lovely on the water; we spent all the after-
noon rowing; and we did not get back until twelve
at night. But I must tell you how we nearly lost
the train.”’

“What! when you were coming back? What a
bore for you!”

“Oh, no,” would be the complaisant answer; “ we
got home all right; I meant the train that starts at
two o’clock, although it would not have signified if
we had lost it, as there was another which started, I
think, about twenty minutes afterwards. But then128 Society Small Talk.

 

we could not all have gone by the same train; but
we did not do so as it was; the others came on by the
next train, and we did not wait for them—we told
them not to wait for us.”

“You have not told me who went with you; any-
body I know?”

“Oh, I meant to have commenced with that. Your
friend, Colonel J., came; and the A—s, and the B—s,
and the C—s, and the D—s, and a great many more
people. The dinner was very well done; but it was
very cold.”

‘“‘Do you mean the dinner was cold, or the day P”

“Why, the day, of course; and everyone wore
wraps. They said the dinner was very good. Two
or three people lost their way, and did not get back
until it was half over. I thought perhaps they had
had telegrams, and gone back to town. Mr. G. was
one of the missing ones, and he is always on com-
mittees in the House of Commons and everywhere,
so I thought it most likely that he had been sent
for; but he had not: after all he was only walking
about, as somebody had forgotten to tell him that
we were to dine at six instead of at seven.”

“Pleasant for G. How well you must have
managed your party,’ the listener might say, ironi-
cally.

“Yes; everything was managed beautifully. Of
course, there were one or two little things whichmight have been smoother; but every one was yery
good-natured, and the party went off very well on
the whole. But we had quite forgotten that Mrs. A.
and Mrs. H. are not good friends; in fact, they
decline to speak to each other; and they happened
to sit next to each other at dinner. It was Mr. G.’s
fault for being so late, as I think I told you.”

“YT did not make out that G. was much of a
culprit, poor man; but I suppose you know best.
Anyhow, he seems to have lost his dinner.”

A touch of irony, or a sowp¢on of sarcasm is lost upon
ladies of this temperament, their perceptive powers
not being keen enough to detect it; and, as they are
quite devoid of humour, they fail to see the point
of any joke, even when it is turned against them-
selves. This imperviousness to the shafts of ridicule
stands a woman of this sort in good stead, as her
amour propre 18 never wounded, her equanimity never
ruffled, and when she says a foolish thing and lays
herself open to be laughed at, her unconsciousness
of having said anything more foolish than usual saves
her from being disconcerted or put out of countenance,
as a more sensitive or highly-strung woman would
naturally be.

These ladies have also a happy knack of touching
upon a person’s weak poit, and if there is one thing
amongst all others they should not approach, they are
sure to arrive at it before long; so, finding themselves
K120) 7 Socrety Small Talk.

 

    

on delicate ground, they apologize elaborately, the
apology being more exasperating than the offence.

Thus, were the previous conversation continued, it
might take this direction, were there a raison d'etre
for observations such as these to be made:

“TJ think Mr. A. is such avery pleasant man; he
says such amusing things about people, even if he 1s
a little acid.—Oh, but I forgot, you do not like lnm;
of course, after the eruel and unkind things he said

 

about your Oh, how stupid of me! I ought not
to have mentioned it; it must be so painful to you.
I am very sorry I said anything about it; I ought to
have remembered it was such a sore subject with you.”

To which the man whose wound she had thus laid
open could only remark, stiffly, that “It was of no
consequence.”

These home-thrusts are more often than not made
in the presence of an audience, which gives an addi-
tional sting to the idle words; the victim knowing
perfectly well that those unacquainted with the story
will, on the first opportunity, ask for details of it at
the hands of his fair and foolish friend.

«What is that story about A. and B.?” he knows
will be the first question put before he is well out of
hearing; and he also knows that the discretion of the
lady is not to be relied upon, and that she is not
equal to the task of turning such a question aside,
but will give the desired details with circumlocutionUbiquitous Beacons.

 

 

and colouring, without malice, but at the same time
wholly without reticence.

Again, if a secret sorrow should exist in a family
through any calamity, affliction, or disgrace having
overtaken one of its members, these heedless women,
by their random and careless remarks, unwittingly
succeed in inflicting a great deal of unnecessary pain ;
and when they have drawn the bow at a venture
they are not clever enough to extricate themselves
from the situation until the arrow has been well
driven home.

ial-apropos vemarks such as these are some-
times made even by people possessing both tact
and discretion, the difference being that on discover-
ing that they have inadvertently said the wrong
thing, they are equal to changing the subject without
allowing it to be perceived that they are at all conscious
of having wounded anyone’s susceptibilities.

The former type of woman is quite distinct from
the gossip-loving one; the gossip-loving lady is
always a bit of a mauvaise langue. The recording
the domgs, misdoings, and sayings of one’s ac-
quaintances, of which genuine gossip consists, would
be tame and lacking in interest if devoid of a
certain raciness and spiciness, which ingredients are
generally added by the retailers of the article in ques-
tion. ‘The mixture of a lie doth ever add pleasure,”
and a story loses nothing by the telling. The lady who120 Soctety Small Talk.

 

makes it her metier to chronicle all the mischances and
mistakes of her friends, seldom puts the best construc-
tion upon them, or is ever inclined to give them the
benefit of the doubt; neither docs she inquire too
closely into the truth of the narrative, lest, were she to
do so, there should be nothing left to narrate, and
‘‘Othello’s occupation gone.” Thus many a canard
circulated to-day is contradicted to-morrow. The bold
gossiper, however, in time gets bowled out, and her
stories, though listened to and laughed at, are never
believed. Her friends, knowing her weak point and her
special temptation, say carelessly, ‘ Oh, if that is one
of Mrs. K.’s stories, I don’t suppose there is much in
it.” Kind and generous actions and kindly speeches
are not as a rule repeated with much alacrity by the
gossip- loving world ; there is no capital to be made out
of such, no merit accrues to the narrator, and no
amusement to be extracted from the recital of another's
goodness; thus, gossip turns a deaf ear to all that is
praiseworthy, lending a willing one to all that is the
reverse.

In contrast to the gossipy lady, may be mentioned
the one who prides herself upon telling her friends
“home truths.’’ Jistimable as her character may be,
she yet succeeds in placing goodness, as she personifies
it, in an unamiable light, and those who stand in fear
of her probe, give her as wide a berth as they well can.
To the wife whose husband is too much addicted toUbiquitous Beacons. 138

Jo

 

racing, this outspoken lady would say grimly, “If
your husband goes on betting in the way he is now
doing, he is certain to ruin himself and his family
before long.” The wife is quite aware of the pro-
clivities of the husband, and the possibility of the ruin,
and scarcely needs this unwelcome reminder.

“How wretchedly ill your wife is looking, she will
never recover her health here; you should send her
away to a warmer climate,” she would say to a man
who, aware of his wife’s delicate state of health, is yet
unable to follow the advice given. ‘“ How painfully
dissipated and extravagant your son appears to be;

9)

what a wasted career his is,” she would say to a fond
mother, whose moan it is that he is these things, or
—‘‘ How unfortunate for your daughter her engage-
ment with young H. being broken off,” this being said
to a mother who is smarting under the knowledge
that her daughter has lost a good settlement in
hfe. Or perhaps she would say :

“How very much that child resembles her aunt

7 aaa

Caroline, she grows more like her every day,’
Caroline being so plain, that the resemblance is an
unwelcome fact, which the child’s mother would prefer
to ignore.

‘What avery unbecoming colour green is to you;
it does not suit your complexion in the least ; I wonder
why you wear it,’’ would be said to a young nicce
with a slender income, who has thoughtlessly myested134 Society Small Talk.

in a green costume and bonnet, and who is painfully
alive to the fact that green is decidedly not her colour,
but who cannot afford to put it on one side, and does
not require to have her opinion strengthened as to its
unsuitability.

There is perhaps nothing easier than to put a gu,
a woman, or even a man, for the matter of that, out of
conceit with their garments. You but tell aman that
you notice a wrinkle im the shoulder of his coat, or that
the set of the sleeve is not quite perfect, than the coat
is at once dispatched to the tailor, and it is doubtful if
it is ever thoroughly again received into favour; while,
to disparage any article of a woman’s attire, from a
bonnet to a boot, is fatal to any satisfaction she may
feel in wearing it, even if she has the strength of
mind to venture on doing so. There is no merit
attached to the telling of home truths, which are as
uncalled for as they are unwelcome.

Another type of woman frequently encountered in
society is the plausible, specious, but selfishly in-
sincere one, designated by those who know her best
as a thorough humbug. Although not intending to be
directly untruthful, she is very far from being accurate,
and it is even doubtful if she endeavours to bend her
steps in that direction. Strangers consider her de-
lightful until they have known her long enough to
discover that she is dangerous, and that the pleasant

things she says fo them, she has an unpleasant habitCotguitous Beacons. 1235

 

of unsaying of them; thus, wishing to ingratiate herself,
she would say :

“Tow very handsome your daughter looks to-
night, how beautifully she is dressed,” and more in
the same strain, while of the same young Jaay she
would remark, “I cannot say I admire Miss D., and
how over-dressed she is; with her mother’s small
income, it is absurd the money spent on that girl's
dress; she actually wore velvet the other night much

9

too heavy for her,” and so on, or she would perhaps
say to some member of a family :

“T hear you are not goimg to stay with your brother
and his wife in Scotland this autumn, I thought you
went every year,” to which her friend, not having been
invited, would reply briefly, “‘ We usually do stay
with them in September, but they have not asked us
this year.”

«JT should think you found it rather dull there,”
would be the sympathetic rejomder. “ Anyone so
bright and clever as you are, must feel the want of
congenial companionship; some people, I know, con-
sider your sister-in-law rather heavy to get on with.”

“She is very quict and reserved, especially with
people whom she does not know very well,” might be
the reply.

“So I have heard, but then your brother 1s so
genial and agrecable that, if she 1s not a very good
hostess, it is not of much consequence, although136 Society Small Tatk.

 

 

IT should have thought your being with them, would
have been of the greatest advantage to her; my
husband thinks you make such a perfect hostess, that
I confess I feel quite jealous sometimes.”

Whether the husband has or not expressed him-
self to this extent, is of little moment to his imagi-
native partner, who merely makes use of him as an
auxiliary to strengthen her position. The humbug-
ging process has usually some end in view, and a
lengthened visit at the house of the perfect hostess is
perhaps, on this occasion, the one aimed at, and as
incense rarely fails of producing a certain pleasing
effect upon a woman when offered by a man, even
though offered indirectly, the lady receiving it would
be very likely to say with a pleased little laugh :

‘“‘It is very good of him to say so, but I am afraid
he has not had much opportunity of forming a favour-
able judgment of my powers in that capacity, but
perhaps when we are settled at home again, I may
be able to persuade you both to pay us a little visit.”

“YT am sure we shall not require any persuasion to
do a thing that would give us so much pleasure,” the
lady would retort, “itis too kind of you to think of
us, my husband was only saying the other day how
much he should like to see the improvements you haye
made at your place; we say you, because, as he says,
you have such admirable taste.”

Atter a pleasant visit has been paid, and all possibleUbiquztous Leacons.

 

hospitality and kindness haye been received at the
hands of her friend, this type of her class, true to her
nature, cannot resist when the occasion presents itself
playing the same game for perhaps a similar pur-
pose with the before-mentioned sister-in-law of her
friend, and of enacting some such part, and of carry-
ing on some such dialogue as the following :

«What a pity it is your sister-in-law does not care
to stay with you at your beautiful place in Scotland.
IT can’t understand how she can possibly find it dull to
be with you.”

‘Did she tell you she found it dull with us?” would
be the abrupt query. “She always appeared to be
very pleased to come to us.”

“T understood her to say that nothing could be so
dull as it was, she gave me the impression that she
thought you did not pay her sufficient attention when
she was up in Scotland with you ; in fact, that you did
nothing to amuse her, but I dare say she did not mean
it; she is a little jealous probably of your influence
over her brother, she cannot help seemg how he
naturally defers to you im everything.”

“T cannot forgive her calling it dull with us,”
remarks the aggrieved sister-in-law, “ she has been so
much with us since our marriage, but I shall cer-
tainly not ask her so often in future if that is her
opinion.”’

‘Oh, I should not take any notice of this sort of138 Society Small Talk.

 

thing if I were you, people of her volatile tempera-
ment say a great deal more than they mean ; in fact,
many things which it is so much wiser not to re-
member,” and by this ambiguous way of speaking, she
conveys the idea that far more remains to be told, but
which is discreetly withheld. The lever on which
this distorting principle is worked by these ladies,
is not the downright intention of maligning and
misrepresenting a friend or acquaintance, but is
the selfish desire of talking themselves into favour
at another's expense; and displacing that other,
and usurping the vacant place by simulating an
interest and strong liking, is the easiest way of
accomplishing this object. Thus they continue to
humbug their friends and acquaintances, and es-
tablish many feuds in many families, and create
no little mischief one way and another, but are
tolerated in a certain degree by some people who think
it rather pleasant than not to be humbugged when
thoroughly on their guard against the administrator of
the dose; and by others, because, rather afraid of what
may be said of themselves, they think it wisest to
stand well with the humbug; while others again have
yet to learn of what these wily ones are capable, and
the worth of their agreeable speeches.

As to the Mrs. Nicklebys of the feminine world, it
would be superfluous to do more than to allude to them
en passant,—it is enough that the master hand hasUbiquitous Beacons. 139

 

limned them, but Kate Nickleby was hardly as in-
dependent and outspoken with her mamma as are the
daughters of the Mrs. Nicklebys of to-day, who, if they
do not exactly snub their mothers, yet the manners
of many are somewhat akin to it, and they have an
unmistakable way of keeping them im order; and
of not allowing them to get out of their depths with
a—‘Oh, mamma, we know all about that, please
don’t tell us again ;” or ‘* Mamma, dear, how absurd you
are ; don’t you know that you are not allowed to repeat
that story ;’ or “Oh, he does not want to be told
anything about that, it would not interest him in the
least, you must not say another word, dear ;” or “ Oh,
mamma, that was not in the least how it happened,
you always begin in the wrong place; let Mary tell
the tale, then we shall understand it.” The meek
mammas take these rebukes and reminders in very good
part, they admire the exceeding cleverness of their
daughters, and are proud to think they have inherited
it from their dear and lamented papas.

It would be also perhaps equally superfluous to do
more than allude to the ultra-fast and fashionable
women of society, whose conversation runs almost
entirely in one particular groove, embracing the last
club story, the last matrimonial separation, or divorce
case. These do not come under the denomination of
“ossipy ladies ;” as to them, the petty details of
ordinary gossip have but little or no interest, they prefer140 Soctety Small Talk.

 

something of a far more exciting nature, and thrilling
events, with their friends for the heroes and heroines
thereof, is the talk to their taste, a taste greatly en-
couraged by certain society men, whose pleasure it is
to collect the various club stories and on dits that are
to be heard, for the amusement of their fair friends.
What effect these topics have upon those who thus
constantly indulge in them, is self evident from the
frivolous fast tone which prevails in the sets to which
these ladies belong, and which is certainly not
calculated to—

‘‘ Ring in the nobler modes of life,
With sweeter manners, purer laws.”

Men, generally speaking, do not bore women or even
each other in any way approaching the same degree
as women are too often wont to do; they inflict their
tediousness indiscriminately upon their own sex, and
upon the opposite sex as chance may favour them, but
men seldom if ever broach to women the subject that
is uppermost in their minds, unless aware that they
know something about it, or that it would be of interest
to them; company talk being what men usually
indulge in when in the society of women, while to
each other, they freely discourse upon that which most
concerns them. ‘women for instance, thorough racing
men, would probably converse in a manner almost
unintelligible to non-racing men and to ladies inUbiquitous Beacons. 141

gencral, and the latter are often not alittle bored when
men are thus engrossed in each other’s conversation to
their exclusion, when they cannot attempt to follow
a line such as this.

A.—“TIt is whispered that Lawson has a light-
weight that can beat Moonshine, which has been
backed right up for the last week or so.”

B.—* According to the runnimg, Moonshine ought
to be the best animal in the stable. J don’t think
much of weight in a half mile race like that.”

A.—“ There is not the least doubt that there is some-
thing wrong with Sir Benjamin, as I could not lay the
odds to 20 against him at any price.”

B.— “Very likely, itis not his wind that is amiss, it
is just their game to throw suspicion on some sound
point, to draw attention off a weak one.”

A.—“ Yes, as they always said that The Friar’s
hocks gave them fear when it was really the back
sinew of his fore leg which prevented their training
him.”

B,—“ The mare is so well in, that 16 is a moral
certainty for her, dst. 5lb., when she would be quite
positive to win with 9st. 10lb. I only hope they will
oppose her nearer the day, as the proper odds are 10
to 1 on her. I dislike being on a long time, or
would back her now.”

Country gentlemen have also a great propensity to
talk “farming,” and compare sheep, mangold, turnips,142 Society Simall Talk.

 

 

and their cropsin detail at a dinner-party or else-
where, utterly oblivious of the presence of the ladies,
to whom dialogue such as the following must neces-
sarily appear very dry if nothing else.

B.—“Store lambs and sheep ought to fetch good
prices this autumn, unless we have another failure in
the turnip crops, which will bring down the price.”

A.—‘There has been a poor crop of lambs about
us, and in the uplands I understand they have not had
half a crop, some have only had from 12 to 20 per
Cont

B.—“ TI hear the ewes and hoggets have done very
badly this season.”

A.—“ How much cake do you give your ewes per
head ?”

B.—“Oh, from three quarters of a pound to a
pound.”

A.—‘“‘ How are the crops looking about you P”’

B.—“ The trefoil has been seriously affected by the
rain, so much so, that it is almost impossible for
it to recover, and the yicld of clover seed promises
badly.”

A.—“The corn crops about us, are bad in colour
and full of weeds, but the ears appear well shaped and
likely to fill: they have thickened considerably
lately.”

B.—“ A neighbour of mine has gone into pigs
largely; he gave 16 guineas for a boar only six monthsUbrquztous Beacons. 143

 

old, and he has a sow, he tells me, worth 30 guineas.
It was the first sow at the K—-— Show——”

When a man breaks off, perhaps for a moment, his
interesting dialogue with his racing or farming friend
to address some trivial remark or platitude to the lady
seated near him, she feels neither grateful nor gracious,
knowing full well that were she a Rochefoucauld in
petticoats, her remarks would not have the fascination
for him that those of his bucolic neighbour possess, so
her answers are of the briefest, and he feels himself at
liberty to turn to the beloved subject, which he does
with unflattering alacrity.

Some prosy old gentlemen inflict their prejudices
and prosiness upon younger men, but this is the privi-
lege of age, and such garrulity meets with a respectful
tolerance and good humoured forbearance,CHAPTER IX.

PUTTING EN HE OAR.

LuNncHEoN is one of those domestic sociable meals
at which very little is expected of anyone in the way
of conversation. If any one is disinclined to talk, or if
not capable of indulging the company with a little
agreeable small talk, no one notices the silent member.
If a woman, and if she has nothing to say for herself,
and bestows more of her attention upon her plate than
upon her neighbour, she is merely credited with being
really hungry, and with thoroughly enjoying her
luncheon, a compliment to the food if not to her friends,
and if the silent member be a man, he is not supposed
to be at his best until the hour of dinner, but if either
a man or a woman have the faculty of being spon-
taneously agreeable, and of keeping the luncheon
party amused by their pleasant, lively small-talk, it is
a pleasure not unmingled with surprise, conversation
at such time as this consisting for the most part of
fragmentary remarks and crumbs of talk scattered
over the table, everyone putting in an oar when they
fancy they can make a stroke, even if a feeble one,Putting tn the Oar. 145
“ Wall you have some of this sadmi of duck 2”

a hostess hospitably to one of the gentlemen,

“It is too good for me,” is the quiet rejoinder, “T
“ever eat much luncheon ag a rule. I think meat
once a day is sufficient for any man, and I confess it
astonishes me what Some of you ladies can do.”

Those ladies who have just received a good help of
roast beef, roast lamb, or a tempting cutlet with at-
tendant vegetables, and who are unequal to defending
their position, with heightened colour, and feeling
shghtly indignant, continue e
some more venturesome spirit comes to the rescue with,
“It surprises me how late. some men breakfast, and
what a substantial breakfast they make ; of course they
are disinclined to haye luncheon, whilst many ladies

make luncheon their best meal, and eat so httle at
dinner, and really nothing at breakfast.”

“T am afraid you are telling us of isolated Cases as
regards the breakfast and dinner appetites of your
friends,” continues the gentleman, who is merely dally-
ing witk’a piece of cake and sipping a little seltzer
water. “TI could point out sever
tances, fair ladies, whose exploits at breakfast and
dinner, to say nothing of a hot luncheon at two, and
tea and cake at five thrown in, would rather refute

your argument as to the delicate appetites of the
Juncheon eaters.”

says

ating in silence, while

al of our acquain-

The hostess here puts in, addressing one of the

L146 Society Small Talk.

 

ladies, “ Mr. G. has an absurd prejudice against secing
women eat anything, and his beau idéal of all that is
attractive, is a lady who can enjoy nothing beyond a
charcoal biscuit and a glass of water, in fact a martyr
to dyspepsia.”

“T don’t go quite so far as that,” returns he, ‘ but
I must say I do object to seeing women eat at all hours
of the day. A woman cannot eat too little, itis all
habit, and I am quite sure they do not require half the
amount of food they take with such zest.”

« You will not convert us to your way of thinking,”
says one of the ladies blithely; “a healthy mind goes
with a healthy body, and good appetite, good diges-
tion, and good health, are three graces always to be
met with in each other’s company, and are never seen
apart.”

“‘T am curious to hear then,” is the retort, “ what
you have to say in favour of stimulants? Do you
think it necessary to the health and complexion of a
fair lady, the four or five glasses of wine, or even six,
which is her daily régime ?”

“T will tell you how I think it stands,” rejoins one
of the ladies, “one drinks wine as much from habit as
for any other reason, and wine gives one a fictitious
strength, it mereases a languid circulation, and does
ene good.”

“Habit,” remarks he; “I thought I should arrive

at it in time ; half the eating and drinking I complainPutting tn the Oap {47

 

 

 

of is the result of habit, you don’t want it, but it is
before you, so you take it, and then you fancy you
cannot do without it.”

Here another gentleman, who has been the while
providing his fair neighbours with everything to their
taste, and otherwise amusing them, finding his atten-
tion for the moment disen gaged strikes in with :

ior my pare, I think a woman who can appre-
ciate a good dinner is probably able to order one, and
is therefore likely to prove a good mistress of a house,
and I think that the being able to order a good dinner
Is a great point in a woman’s education.”

“T quite agree with you,” remarks one of the
married ladies; “as you say, the ordering of dinner is
quite an art, one thinks of it the first thing in the
morning ; it is so difficult to know what to order in
the way of variety ; luncheon is no trouble to one, it
does not require thinking about.”

“Yes, there is nothing so easy to order as luncheon,”
assents the hostess, ‘ while dinner is really an anxiety.
I suppose it is, because on the one hand one has only
to please one’s self, while on the other, one’s idea is
to please one’s husband.”

“I should not have thought you found that a diffeult
task,” remarks one of the gentlemen suavely.

“Neither do I,” returns the lady, “but when it is
a question of palate, I am afraid the cook has as much
to do with it as Lhave. The best of men are put out
L2148 Soctely Small Talk.

 

if there is anything wrong with the dinner, and a little
temporary irritation becomes actual displeasure when
guests have to take their share in the failure.”

“Then your husband, according to your own show-
ing, should be in a perpetual state of good humour ;
your dinners are always so excellent,” remarks some
man. present.

“He is naturally good tempered,” says the wife,
“but men have many things to vex them besides a
badly ordered or a badly cooked dinner, and luckily
for me, we have a very good cook just now, or the
shortcomings, if there were any, would rest on my
shoulders. I think I have learnt to define betwixt
undue extravagance and rigorous economy, the sort of
‘penny wise and pound foolish’ expenditure I should
say.”

“T quite understand what you mean,” puts in one
of the gentlemen; “half the women one knows have
not your discrimination, and therefore things are not
nearly so well done on a liberal income as they often
are upon a comparatively moderate one.”

“Yes,” remarks one of the ladies sententiously, “it
is the same with dinners as with dress and everything
else, one woman will spend very much on her dress
with but very little result, whilst another will spend
but very little, and yet always appears to be perfectly
and appropriately dressed.”’

Jt is quite a gift the knowmg what to buy andPutting in the Oar. 149

 

 

when to buy it,” here puts in one of the ladies meekly.
“T am sure I often spend a quarter's allowance upon
bargains, which cripples me for the rest of the year.
Of course they are extremely cheap, but somehow I
cannot turn them to very much account, yet one
cannot resist buying a thing when it is evidently a
bargain.”

“Ladies of your pliant disposition,” puts in a
gentleman pleasantly, “should leave their purses at
home when they place themselves in the way of temp-
tation, and be content to admire what they see, and
let another possess it.”

“Tt is easier to preach than to practise,” retorts
the lady; ‘‘are you satisfied with admiring simply and
not wishing to possess anything beautiful and cheap
that may meet your eye?”

“TI question the possibility of the union of those
adjectives ‘beautiful and cheap,’” replies he; “I
generally find that if a thing is cheap, it ultimately
proves to be a deception, and if it is beautiful, it is
certainly not to be had cheap.”

“Do you mean that beautiful things are not worth
the price one pays for them?’’ remarks one of the
ladies.

‘“‘T amin doubt as to your meaning,” is the answer ;
“if you allude to works ot art, 1 say no, age adds value
to a work of art, but if you allude to one of nature’s
many works, female loveliness, then I hardly dare150 Soctety Smalt Talk.

 

express an opinion. I know that a high price is set
upon it, a price I could not afford to give, sccing that
it so soon fades and falls away.”

“But there is the art that can immortalize,”
observes another lady.

“Do you wish to remind me that ladies practise
this art in the hope of repairing the ravages of time ?”
says the dilettante.

“By no means, I don’t pretend to be the censor of
my sex,” is the reply ; “ my allusion to art had refer-
ence to the prevailing fashion which induces every
lady who considers herself, or who is considered to be
a beauty, to have her portrait painted by some
eminent artist.”

“Rather a costly fancy for the wives of poor men
to indulge in,” remarks he, dryly; ‘“ £1500 is, I
believe, about the figure, a bagatelle to a rich man,
but not quite such a trifle to a poor man.”

“There is nothing new in the beauties of the day
being handed down to posterity by the ‘painter’s
magic skill,’”” observes one of the ladies; “ every age
has its beautiful women, and its celebrated portrait-
painters, and most families pride themselves upon the
possession of the portraits of their ancestresses whether
beautiful or not.”

“In olden days,” is the reply, ‘‘ photography was
not dreamt of, or many a poor fellow would have
been content with the coloured photograph of hisPutting in the Oar. 1

wife, in place of a costly portrait in oils, and many a
man feels much the same about it now, I dare say, if
the truth were known. I heard a story apropos of
this the other day. ‘A celebrated painter had re-
ceived a commission to paint a family group, consist-
ing of a married lady and her two sisters, from the
father of these ladies; unfortunately a financial
collapse left the picture on the artist’s hands; the
husband of the married lady, thinking £1700 too high
a price to pay out of his own pocket for the portrait of
his wife, allowed it to become the property of a dealer,
and finally bought it under the hammer at a very
considerable reduction from the original sum.’ ”’

‘‘T consider,” remarks one of the ladies, “ that the
portrait-painters of the day are the most accurate of
historians, and supplement the history of the times.
It is an old picture we consult rather than the work of
an eminent historian, when we wish to refer to a type
of beauty, or to reproduce a style of dress—the
Leightons and the Millaises, the Sants, the Richmonds,
and the Poynters

 

will become in their turn the his-
torians in the future.”

‘Fashion is fickle even as regards feminine loveli-
ness,” puts in one of the guests; ‘the ideal beauty of
the hour leans to leanness rather than to embonpoint ;
but pardon me, I should have said inclines to the
slender.”’

“Tt strikes me,” remgrks another, “that your152 Society Small Talz.

 

popular beauties are very much overrated; a woman
becomes the fashion, and her claims to beauty are
taken upon trust by the many who always require a
lead, while those capable of forming an opinion do so
independently of the popular prejudice, and often fail
to detect a line of beauty in a much vaunted face or
form.”

“One of the greatest accessories to beauty,” rejoins
one of the ladies, “is, I should say, costly attire, or
an exquisitely arranged toilette ; simplicity concealing
art and expense; the notion ‘ That beauty unadorned
is adorned the most,’ is very much out of date in
these days, when men encourage the extravagance
they decry.”

“ By encouragement—you mean man’s quickness
to discover when a woman is well-dressed,” answers
one of the gentlemen, “and his weakness in making
his appreciation known to her ; but this is encouraging
good taste rather than extravagance, and is a distinc-
tion which ladies do not seem to grasp; in the place
of one gown they put many, and where one would
answer all reasonable purposes twelve are found to be
absolutely imperative, whilst many men do not know
one dress from another, thus this display is lost upon
them, whatever it may be upon their own sex; perhaps,
after all, rivalry is the mainspring of extravagance
in dress, and that we are but indirectly the object
Of ibs”Putting tn the Oar. 153

 

 

Here some lady would put in her oar, and give
some one else an opportunity of putting in theirs; but
this putting in the oar should be done at the ebb of
the tide and not at its full flow; pcople are impatient
of a premature interruption which would meet with
approval if made but a few moments later; an
awkward stroke of the oar is apt to “ catch a crab,”
while a quick even stroke carries the boat happily
along.

A rambling incoherent remark reflects no credit
upon the one making it, and as often as not falls to
the ground ; and there is very much in the arranging
a sentence previous to uttering it, so that it may be
terse and complete, the point of the observation being
rather at its close than at its opening.

Ladies are understood to be very much at their ease
at luncheon, and can put in their oar without any
difficulty, not being overweighted by the knowledge
that they are expected to be fairly agreeable, if not
amusing, for the space of two hours, the consciousness
of which is apt to paralyze the powers of a novice in
small talk.

Some women have a habit when arriving late at a
luncheon party of beg profuse and diffuse in their
apologies, and of entering into explanations as to the
why and the wherefore of their tardy arrival in place
of making some brief and apologetic excuse, such as
“T am shocked at being so late, but I was un-154 Society Small Talk.

 

 

—_

avoidably detained ;” or, “I hope you will excuse my
being so late, I could not possibly get here sooner ;
or some such remark equally to the point.

The conversation at wedding breakfasts is rather
restricted to ¢éte-c-tétes than not, this is necessarily
so, from the fact that couples are sent in to break-
fast as they are in to dinner. Admiring the bride,
praising the bridegroom, passing complments on
the bridesmaids, and encomiums on the presents, are
appropriate materials for small talk, providing they
are not too freely drawn upon and are used with dis-
eretion, always remembering that the members of
the bride’s family are the best listeners to this class
of small talk. But conversations at these gatherings
are naturally founded upon present facts, and to offer
examples of such would be beside the question.CHAR ERR xX,

“RUNNING ON.’

Prorie not particularly clever in originating small
talk find that when expected to converse with a casual
acquaintance at a casual meeting, whether in a country
lane or a crowded street, in the park or on the
promenade, or elsewhere, that they are compelled to
give utterance to the most vapid of commonplaces ;
having nothing better to say at the moment, their
choice of words being as limited as are their ideas,
the same adjective, when an adjective is used, doing
duty at least five times in as many minutes, whilst
oftener than not the unfortunate adjective selected is
the one least suitable for the purpose; the word
“charming,” for instance; “a charming day,” “
“a charming

a

d ’

charming house,” ‘‘a charming walk,’
carriage,” ‘a charming dinner,” is further drawn
upon and converted into an exclamation, thus: ‘“ How
charming,’ probably applied to some object, whether
animate or inanimate, and which is far from being
‘‘ pleasing in the highest degree.”

The would-be elegant young man is rather addicted

to the use of superlatives, and the very weakness of156 Socrety. Small Talk.

 

his expressions combined with the feebleness of the
idea expressed, causes the strength of the adjective
used to be the more apparent and to appear the more
absurd. The exclamation of “charming!” when
applied to a fine pair of eyes is thoroughly appropriate,
but when applied to a little dog, or to a grand dinner,
it is evidently the wrong word in the wrong place.

Young men belonging to the order of “ prig” con-
sidered it to be the heighth of elegance to commence
their small talk after this fashion, and to continue it
in the same elegant vein :

“Are you musical?”? “ Are you fond of reading ? ”
po you cmer ““Are you artistic?” to winch
questions will now doubtless be added,—

“Do you paint on china?” ‘Do you model in
soap?” in fact, they possess a repertoire of the like
questions, which are varied perhaps in the way of a
statement by making a change in the pronouns, re-
placing “ you” with “I,” with the interpolation of an
adverb, thus :—

fam very musicale’ “<7 smc a little.”

“‘T am very fond of reading.” “T draw a little.”

“JT am rather artistic.’ ‘I am very fond of
pictures.”

‘“‘T paint a little on china.”

“T think it is very nice to model in soap.”
The missish young lady, the fac-simile of the prig,
takes a parallel line to his, and her small talk consists

 

aesRunning On. 157.

 

of a series of trivial questions, for the simple reason
that when an answer is returned to one of her queries, ’
she has neither the comprehension nor the sense to
enable her to take her cue from the answer given;
she, therefore, puts another equally petty and irritat-
ing interrogation totally irrelevant to her last remark.
She does not tarry to consider what may be the indi-
vidual pursuits or proclivities of the man she is
addressing, or of men in general, but goes upon her
own standpoint, and does not see beyond it; thus she
Says :—

*‘ Are you fond of balls?”

“ Are you fond of London?”

“Do you go to many balls when you are there?”

“ Are you fond of the play ?”

‘‘Haye you read Miss Saddon’s last novel, ‘The
Countess’s Coronet ?’”

“ Are you fond of novels ?”

“ Do you play lawn tennis ?”

These feeble attempts at small talk, although not a
little provoking, are perhaps preferable to the fast and
flippant manner of specch in which certain young ladies
indulge, under the impression that such a style is cap-
tivating, and anything but slow. They have at com-
mand a vocabulary of terms and expressions bordering
upon slang, if not slang strictly speaking, and al-
together fast, if not absolutely vulgar. This type of
girl when present at a race-mecting prides herself on158 Society Small Talk.

 

emulating the jargon of the jockey, and likes nothing
so much as beimg mistaken for a stable lad, as far as
her conversation is concerned.

To exercise natural intelligence and common sense
with regard to racing matters when present at race-
meetings is womanly and sensible, and even the wives
and daughters of the owners of racehorses, accustomed
as it were to a racing atmosphere, do not make use of
racing technicalities more than would those who have
but a very superficial acquaintance with the sport.
The missishness of styling racehorses “loves of horses,”
or “darling creatures,” or any particular one, a
“darling creature,” or a “duck of a horse;” or to
exclaim, ‘“‘ What a love!” or “What a sweet
creature!” is as much out of place and out of grace
as 1s the before mentioned stable talk. One of the
points where a little of this intelligence or common
sense is needed is in the referring to the sex of an
animal,—as to allude to a mare asa “he,” or to a
horse as a ‘‘she,” is amistake which a male acquaint-
ance 1s very impatient of, and one which ladies are
very likely to make, through not noting whether the
names on the race card are of the masculine or
feminine gender: occasionally, the names themselves
are perplexing to a woman not too well versed in
racing matters, such names, for instance, as “Tsonomy,”
“ Kisber,” “ Wheel of Fortune,” «“ Cremorne,” and
so on,Running On.

 

 

When a lady wishes to evince a certain amount of

 

interest in what is going on, to talk up to the following
standard would suffice for this object :

 
 

“Did you see that race well, you seem to have a

 

good place,” would remark an acquaintance.

 

‘“‘T saw the horses very well until they passed the

 

bushes; had you any bets on the race?”

 

“Tam sorry to say, I had, and I have not backed

 

a winner to-day, yet I don’t think I shall make

another bet.’

 
 

“That would be very wise of you, I suppose you

 

were on Juliet, in the Nursery Stakes.”

 

‘“‘T was, and the young lady disappointed me, as

 

young ladies are very apt to do.”

 

“There are five races, I see, and Julict is to run in

 

a match with King Victor, so perhaps she will behave

 

better if you trust her again.”

 

“No, I have had enough of her, she is evidently

 

not in form, the numbers are up, shall I mark your
card for you?” and after the card has been marked,
and her friend has gone off to get some valuable
information respecting the next race, the lady is
probably accosted by another acquaintance, with

“ Are you inclined to have a bet? you may have

 
 
 
 
 
 

I believe they are all

your choice of odds or evens.
equally bad, if you ask me.”
“Then why do you tempt me to bet?”

 
  
   

“J thought, perhaps, you might like to lose halt-a-160 Soceety Small Talk.

 

crown to me, and turn my luck, I have lost every bet
I have made; I do not seem to be able to spot a
winner.”

“What a pity it is that you men cannot be content
to enjoy a race from a sporting point of view without
betting so heavily. I should have thought that the
vexation of losing one bet was hardly compensated
for by the pleasure of winning another.”

“T don’t know about that, one likes the excite-
ment of betting, I suppose, the uncertainty and the
risk, as danger in the hunting field, adds zest to the
sport, so the danger of losing one’s money has its
charms without taking into account the pleasure of
winning other people’s money.”

“Well, I will not give you a chance or the
pleasure of winning any half crowns of me, but I will
stand five shillings with you in every bet you make

for the rest of the day, in the hope of bringing you
good luck.”

“That is very pretty and good of you; let me see,
there are five races to come off, so you stand a chance
of losing five and twenty shillings.”

“I think, on second thoughts, I must withdraw my
proposal and not encourage you to lose your money.”

“Whether I win or lose to-day it will come to the
same thing at the end of the year, although I have
the best information, and am in with many owners of
race-horses, and although some of the cleverestRunning On. 161

 

 

 

trainers and squarest jockeys will tell me anything,
I always find I am out at the end of the racing
season.”

“T should have thought with such advantages in
your favour you could have won a fortune.”

‘Fortunes are oftener lost than won on the turf, I
assure you; if there is a good thing it is such a hot
favourite that there is no backing it; backers of
horses are sure to be ‘broke’ in the long run; the
thing is to lay against them, and that I cannot afford
to do.”

“Then I suppose the Ring wins all the money P”

“Sometimes, but not when the favourites win, of
course.”

“What is the favourite for the next race ?”

“Queen of Hearts,’ they lay 6 to 4 on her, but I
have a fancy for another, ‘The General,’ I have put
a fiver on him, I think I shall go and sce them
saddle;”’ upon this, the backer of “The General”
takes his departure.

Ladies, whose relatives and friends are partial to
racing, are usually present at race meetings, and from
association acquire just sufficient knowledge of the
subject to enable them to take part in some such
dialogue as the foregoing, but a far larger number of
high-minded men and women set their faces against
racing on principle; and many men have a deep-rooted
aversion to gambling on the turf or elsewhere, and to
M162 Society Small Talk.

 

such it would be far more painful to win money from
either stranger or fricnd than to lose money them-
selves.

At flower shows, polo matches, cricket matches,
archery meetings, lawn tennis parties, and bazaars,
the occasion of such meetings renders the making of
small talk a very easy matter, but at those casual
meetings that so frequently occur between acquaint-
ances, there being no particular fact to go upon sug-
gestive of small talk outside of actual knowledge of
each other’s movements, greater necessity exists for
the exercise of intelligence and rapidity of thought,
for the bringing up at the identical moment the most
applicable and pleasant observations.

Very slight acquaintances find that to allude to the
mutual friend through whom the acquaintance has
been made in the first instance, is a safe and sure
lead to conversation, and one which both can follow
without hesitation, it is also a graceful recognition of
the absent one, and a courtesy which both are pleased
to render; but when an acquaintanceship has existed
for some little time, or has progressed towards any
degree of intimacy, then this allusion or recognition
would be made, if made at all, in a much more familiar
style, and in the course of, rather than at, the com-
mencement of a conversation.

With some people acquaintanceship never ripens
into friendship—acquaintances never become friends,Running On. 163

 

what they were three years ago they are to-day,
neither nearer nor dearer, but yet they cannot be
taken upon the same footing as can be new ac-
quaintances; a new acquaintance may develop into a
warm friend, but these familiar acquaintances remain
familar acquaintances until the end of the chapter.
Although not on ceremony with them, no germ of
intimacy is called forth by them, either from a want
of sympathy in their natures or from the force of cir-
cumstances, or from any other equally cogent reason ;
thus, when familiar acquaintances meet they not
unfrequently indulge in a light vein of talk, in
which is interwoven banter, compliment and common
sense, —

‘An agreeable surprise to see you here this morn-
ing,’ remarks a man to the foremost of a group of
ladies, encountered in the park, on the promenade,
or in some public place where the gay world con-
eregates. “ How long do you intend to honour this
place with your presence ? ”’

“‘T shall honour it very likely for the space of
three weeks, and then wing my flight to another
sphere—the sphere of home.”

“Then let us bask in the sunshine of your smiles
while we may; there are several of your humble
admirers here just now, and I have had tender inquiries
about you from many.”

“T hope you were able to answer them satis-
M 2164 Soceety Small Talk.

 

factorily ; whom do you designate my “admirers” ?
I am rather curious to hear.”

“You do not expect me, I hope, to advocate another
man’s cause, or the causes of other men; to establish
my own claims to your favour is as much as I am
equal to, and I even doubt if I am equal to that.”

“You are always reminding me of your desire to
win my favour, but somehow I fail to perceive the
efforts you make, and I always find you at the point
where I left you.”

“Ts not that an advantage in itself; can you say
the same of many people; do you find them where
you leave them, and can you take them up again at
the point where you left them ? ”

‘Perhaps not, there are people with whom one gets
on very well, but who, one finds on the next time of
meeting, to one’s chagrin and discomfiture, have
gone back like the hands on the dial of a clock, to the
first hour of acquaintance, and one has, if they are
worth the trouble, to go over the same ground again
with them, or to give them up with a sigh of dis-
appointment.”

“In some cases it would be a pleasure to heave
that sigh, especially when temper is the cause of the
coldness, and one is expected to woo back into good
humour some one with whom it is expedient to
stand well; but you were not alluding to temper, I
know, but to caprice and reserve, and in you theseRunning On. 165

 

flaws in the feminine character are unknown—you
are constancy personified; to what shall I compare
you? To the ever-changing ocean? No. To a bright
sunny morning? No; it may rain while the day is
yet young; nor to the inconstant moon—to the stars
and constellations? No; we see too little of them.
There is nothing in nature to which I can compare
you. JI must compare you, if I may, to the best
emblem of constancy I can think of at this moment—
the ‘ Queen’s Taxes,’ or the ‘ Water Rate.’ ”’

“You are certainly more practical than poetical
this morning; I am sorry that my presence does not
inspire you with any nobler or more exalted simile.”

“The fault is mine, not yours; my deficiencies
cannot be measured against your perfections; I should
think that you were pre-eminently constituted to grasp
friendship in its truest meaning; as I understand
friendship, it is an unwritten commandment.”

“ Do you mean friendship between man and man,
or between woman and woman P”’

“« At the moment I spoke I was thinking of that
very rare friendship that is sometimes to be met with
between man and woman; I should say that a solid
friendship between women themselves is even rarer.”

‘How do you arrive at such a conclusion? have
your lady friends been traitors to each other ? if so,
I am sure you are the cause of it.”

“That is it; woman’s friendship is a light and airy166 Society Small Talk.

 

fabric; let a man come between them, or let him
hardly get as far as that, but merely hover in sight,
then the harmony and the concord, and the amicable-
ness of their sweet natures disappear, and pique,
umbrage, alienation, with a touch of hostility, usurp
their place, and a man has as much as he can do to
steer his course pleasantly between the two fair
barks.”’

“Tam afraid from this confession you have been
behaving very badly, and have been insinuating your
admiration to two ladies at the same time; no wonder
they were jealous; how cruel of you.”

“Do you really believe that I could be cruel to
that extent, it is I who am the victim always ; women
have a large share of jealousy in their composition—
they are jealous of each other’s belongings, houses,
carriages, horses, jewels, dresses, beauty, and even
babies; there are exceptional women, of course, like
yourself, who are above this weakness of the sex; and
women’s friendships are thus fickle, I suppose, because
founded on these things.”’

“She must be a very shallow woman who forms
friendships only with regard to position and _pos-
sessions.”

“Doubtless; but I am afraid as society goes, most
women are shallow, only some are a little more
shallow than others; there is no depth in these
women, Whether for love, gratitude, or friendship,Running On. 167

 

and their intellect is on a par with their depth; yet with
regard to all worldly matters, these shallow women are
as shrewd as they are selfish, and are quite aware that
one and one make two, and when not particularly
shrewd, they are exceptionally narrow-minded.”
‘You hear what Mr. Y— thinks of our sex, and how
might here observe the lady hold-

?

he reckons us up,
ing this conversation to one of her friends forming
the before-mentioned group. “Are you not rather
afraid that he will some day analyse your character P”’
“ He seems rather formidable, certainly,” might be
the answer, ‘but, perhaps, I shall escape by reason
of his having a more important study on hand.”
“What can be a more delightful study than the

> remarks the familiar

study of a delightful woman,’
acquaintance, ‘‘and can one have too many of these
fascinating studies to occupy one’s thoughts and one’s
leisure? and when one has discovered qualities of
heart and mind in a gracious woman, qualities that
appeal to one’s highest sympathies, one feels proud
and honoured to be admitted even into the outer
courts of her friendship.”

“JT am inclined to think that friendships such as
you imagine, however pleasant,’ have also their
dangerous side, and however enlarging and expanding
familiar friendship with a man may be to the mind of
a woman, yet the boundary line between love and
friendship is so undcfinable that a woman may find168

   

Soceety Small Talk.

 

herself out of her depth before she is aware that her
feet have even left the shore.”

“There are times of course when friendship out-
steps its prescribed limits, and when another region is
entered upon, viz., Cupid’s domain, but it is when
sailmg on the smooth waters of friendship that a
woman is at her brightest and best; she is not blinded
by love as to the imperfections of her friend, she is
not ruffled by jealousy as to the bestowal of his atten-
tions, she is able to appreciate and draw out all his
nobler aspirations and thoughts, and is oft-times the
recipient of his confidence.”’

“The glowing colours in which you have painted

friendship,’

2

remarks one of the ladies, “only proves

how insidious are its windings, and how fast one had
need to anchor one’s bark in the harbour of friend-
ship to prevent its being carried by the current into
tne tempestuous sea of love.”

“Perhaps, there to be shipwrecked,” remarks
another lady, with emphasis.

“One word more, and we shall be on the quick-
sands of conversation, if not out of our depth,”
remarks a third.

“Do not be alarmed, ladies, I am a safe pilot, I
know the coast too well to run any of you aground.”

“Well, then, we will say good-bye for the present,”
might remark the leading lady, if she wished to pro-

ceed in another direction, or was desirous of joiningRunning On. 169

 

other friends—“ and believe in the flattering opinion
you have just expressed of your capabilities as pilot
and guide.”

Some ladies experience a certain awkwardness in
breaking off a conversation with an acquaintance at the
right moment, before the acquaintance has tired of
them, or they of the acquaintance ; others again are
not quickwitted enough to take note of the signs
which an acquaintance sometimes exhibits when
desirous of taking his leave, and continue to engage
him in some trivial small talk against his inclination,
but which he is too polite to break through by
taking an abrupt departure and an abrupt farewell.

Young men are also occasionally unobservant of the
signs which ladies not unfrequently exhibit when they
wish to enjoy a little of the society of some other
friend or acquaintance of either sex, and ladies, as a
rule, when intimate enough to discourse upon domestic
or family matters, find the presence of a young man
rather de trop. Such topics are the most congenial
to ladies, but when not sufficiently well-acquainted
with each other to touch upon these, to them interest-
ing matters, then general subjects supply their place.

A very favourite theme with mere acquaintances
is popular preaching, at popular churches, but in the
discussion of this theme, both caution and care are
necessary to avoid trenching upon the susceptibilities
of each other in this respect; ladies, having a tendency170° Socidy Small Talk.

 

 

 

 

 

to admire any particular preacher, generally do so
con amore, and are rather inclined to carry this
admiration to extremes. After the first greetings and
mutual inquiries after mutual acquaintances have
been made between two ladies at an accidental meet-
ing, one of the two would probably say :—

“JT went to St. John’s Church yesterday, what a
good service it is; the church was so full, I had great
difficulty in obtaining a seat.”

“TJ never go to St. John’s,” is most likely the
response, “I do not like the clergyman there, I
always attend St. Jude’s, the music is so very good,
and Mr. G— is so popular, and is such an excellent
preacher.”

“T have not heard him; I thought the sermon at
St. John’s was a very sensible and practical one.”

“Then you could not have heard Mr. K—; his
delivery is deplorable, besides which he insults one’s
understanding; he apparently ignores that one has
had any religious education whatever; one might be
a heathen, a Hottentot; he might prove very useful
as a missionary, preaching to ignorant savages, but
the egotism with which he propounds the simplest
Gospel truths, as if he and he alone possessed the
privilege of being acquainted with the Scriptures, is
almost calculated to repel rather than to attract, and
to do infinitely more harm than good to the cause of
religion.”Running On. yl

 

“Oh, is he that sort of man? I quite understand
the type of preacher you mean; he does, as you say, a
great deal of harm in giving people a distaste for
attending church; what a pity it is that well-meaning
men should so often produce this feelymg—men of very
average abilities, and who do not atone for this want
of intellectual power by bringing zeal, earnestness,
and heartiness into their work; men, whose very last
vocation is that of a preacher, deliver a string of
phrases, if not exactly incoherent, at least having but
very little relation to each other, and of which the
meaning, if meaning there be, is yet so extremely
obscure, that the monotony of the delivery robs such
discourse of even the little meaning it was intended
to convey, and produces on the hearer only a soporific
effect.”

“Tt is an immense advantage certainly,” might be
the rejoinder, “to attend a church where the service
is after one’s own heart, and where one may expect to
hear a sermon from a really clever man.”

“Indeed, itis; but I think it is rather a mistake
to pin one’s faith to any particular man as some
women are apt to do, and to allow the individuality
of the man to assert itsclf too strongly over their
minds; it is as if they could not accept the truths
of religion at other hands; and with some popular
preachers this individuality is made so prominent in

the pulpit, that it might be said of them, as it wasrie Society Small Talk.

 

said of Erskine, that one cannot see Christ over their
heads.”

“T do not agree with what is termed running after
popular preachers; I only regret there should be
so few good preachers to be met with, that one hardly
ventures to hope, taking churches on an average, one
is hkely to hear anything approaching to a good sermon,
and when one reflects what an immense power for
good is placed in the hands of the clergy by this
_ preaching from the pulpit, it is disheartening to
feel how little is made of it; it should be one of the
strongest points of the Church, whereas it is one of
her weakest.”

“Yes, every one, more or less, especially one’s men
friends, make the shortcomings of the preacher an
excuse for a lax attendance at church, and many
people go so far as to think that to be lacking in the
gift or power of preaching should be considered a
serious drawback against ordination.”

‘‘T have a very simple plan,” says the other lady,
‘when the sermon is disappointing ; I do not attempt
to follow it, I withdraw my attention entirely from it,
knowing that were I to listen I should only feel
grieved and perhaps a little irritated that so in-
competent a man should occupy so important a post;
and I give myself up to a twenty minutes’ meditation
and self-examination, and generally find that I leave
the church a wiser woman and in a better frameRunning On. 173

 

of mind than had I been vainly striving to extract an
atom of good from an ocean of words.”

‘Tt appears to me,” retorts the other, “that some
people are inclined to estimate the sermon above
the service; to me the service is immeasurably above
the sermon in importance; m most churches one
feels that this importance is fully recognized, and
holds the place it was originally intended to occupy.”

Ladies of a solid turn of mind are very partial to
discussing their views and ideas on religious subjects,
and with more or less of enthusiasm. The “ choir”
and church music are interesting themes, more es-
pecially to those residing in the country ; while to all,
the schools connected with the church, local charities,
and benevolent associations are a neyer failing bond
of interest.

Music itself is a great aid to conversation with many
ladies, not from the point of view of a professor, or
from that of a self-appointed critic, but rather from a

drawing-room stand point, from which point all ladies
have something to say to each other, respecting the
newest songs or the newest pieces, &e.

“Fave you heard any pretty new songs lately,” 1s
a frequent question amongst ladies, and one with
which they often open a conversation.

“T do not know that I have,” is almost as generally
the reply.

“Tt is so difficult to find a song that one really174 Soceety Sutall Talk.

 

likes, and that is worth the trouble of learning ; if the
air is taking, the words are altogether so foolish.”

“Yes,” replies the other,“ there are singularly few
new songs amongst all those that are written that
one cares to hear.”

“T am rather fastidious, perhaps,” is the rejoinder,
“and the more difficult to please, as I learn my songs
by heart.”

‘“‘That is a most excellent plan,”’ returns the other,
‘a song sung from a shect of music has never the
same effect as when sung from memory; a song
gains infinitely in feeling, expression, and in phrasing,
when~ not sung from music, but I suppose it
requires considerable talent to be able to do this
well.”

“Not at all,” is the reply, “it is simply a question
of application and habit, and should, I think, form
part of every girl’s musical education.”

“You are quite right,” acquiesces the other, “ it
cannot be more difficult to remember notes and words
than it is to recollect accurately dates, events, and
incidents, things which every young lady is expected
to commit to memory, and not to require the aid of
books to refresh it on every occasion.”

“As girls advance into womanhood,” adds the other,
“they tell you that they have not the time even if
they had the talent to learn their songs by heart ;
but if they had acquired the habit in early girlhood,Running On. 175

 

and had accustomed themselves to readily doing so,
they would find in after years that the learning a
song or piece of music would be to them surprisingly
easy.”

‘“‘ How very few girls one meets are able to do this,
and what an advantage these few have over the many
who, when asked either to sing or to play, have this
invariable reply, ‘I have not brought any music with
me,’ or, ‘I cannot sing without my music.’ To be
able on being asked to sing or play to instantly comply
without excuse or hesitation places the performer in
a very attractive light in the eyes of both friends and
strangers, and invests the performance with an addi-
tional charm.”

“Yes, there is always a something of ostentation
in a lady having a roll of music brought to her, and
in having the candles lighted, as of course she cannot
read music in the twilight, and twilight is of all hours
the one most delightful wherein to listen to sweet
strains.”

“Very true,” assents the other, “these preparations
have the effect of leading one to expect something
very good, and oftener than not it proves to be some-
thing very poor and weak, both as regards the song
and the singer, and people are the more on the alert
to criticise both.”’

“Thorough musicians have always their music at
their fingers’-ends,” continues one of the ladies, “and176 Society Small Talk.

 

 

are above and beyond these preliminaries and pre-
parations.”’

“T am always amused,” returns the other, “at the
persuasion which some young ladies require to induce
them to sing; some one, perhaps, asks them ‘if they
sing?’ and their answer is, ‘that they do a little;’
this is followed by ‘Do sing something, then, we
should be so pleased to hear you;’ which is met with
‘I am afraid I cannot sing to-day, I have rather a
cold;’ to which some one else replies, ‘Oh, do try
what you can do, it would be such a pleasure to hear
you sing;’ but the young lady continues mildly to
protest that she is unequal to singing that afternoon
or that evening, although she does so in such a manner
as to lead her friends to infer that could they persuade
her sufficiently they would be rewarded by gaining
their point.”

“T invariably find,” says the other, “that ladies
who can sing, do not make a merit of compliance
when asked to do so, and dislike parade or fuss of any
kind; when not in voice they say so in a straight-
forward manner without preamble or in the hope of
being persuaded to alter their minds.”

‘How remarkably well you phrase your songs
and accent your words,” rejoms one of the ladies,
pleasantly, “indeed, it is one of the great charms of
your singing. A serious fault with many young ladies
is their utter want of intelligence with regard to this,Running On. La

and when a word is divided into syllables, and a note
given to each, they accent cach syllable with equal
force, thus we hear of the < gol-den days,’ and of the
‘bro-ken heart,’ and of ‘the wa-ters that flow,’
and of ‘the woo-den piers,’ and ‘how of-ten, oh,
how of-ten,’ and so on;. this mode of pronunciation
robs the prettiest song of its pathos,”

“It is this fault,” might be the reply, “that ac
even more perceptible and exaggerated, I think, when
young ladies with but an indifferent knowledge of the
language attempt French songs, the words of which
they render thus,—/’ hiron-del—le @? 0-pa—'le, ma-
ti-na— le, nouvel—’ le, and though they may follow the
music correctly according to the letter, yet the spirit
of the composition is wholly wanting, the adhering
to the subdivision of the words and the equal
accentuation awarded by them to each syllable causes
the whole when not unintelligible to be thoroughly
fadterous.?. ... .%

Another equally fertile subject with: ladies is the
light literature of the day, the current stories in the
magazines, and new novels in general, from which
they often stray to the fashion books and dress, which
to them are mines of information; they prattle of long
trains and short trains, Directoire bonnets and Gains-
borough hats, of moyen dye bodices, and of Greek
draperies, of fabrics and furs, of court-dresses and
country dresses, of satins and serges, and their favourite
a178 Society Small Talk.

 

shops, the best qualities and the lowest prices, all
of which come in for their share of attention.

Conversation between ladies is essentially of a
practical turn, and does not admit of repartee,
whilst between very young ladies the topics chosen
eenerally relate to their pastimes, pursuits, and
pleasures, rather than to their ideas and individual
feelings.

The description of small talk which takes place be-
tween people new to each other at accidental meetings,
is by no means of an ambitious character, it usually
commencing with polite inquiries respecting the
whereabouts of absent friends; after an interchange
of civilities between a lady and gentleman, the lady
would, perhaps, inquire if he had seen anything of
her friends, the Y—s lately ? whereupon he would be
able to say whether he had, or had not met them,
and if he had done so, he would have the opportunity
of mentioning where the meeting had occurred, and
any little incident connected with it-< or, i the
question had been addressed to the lady, she would
then be in the position of having something tangible
to start with: if the rencontre with the absent friends
had taken place at Paris, the word Paris would suggest
a very flood of pertinent and pleasant talk, as at what-
ever season of the year a visit to Paris is paid, some-
thing of extra interest is the event of the moment, such
asthe New Year's fétes and the New Year’s gifts, andeunning On. 179

 

 

the New Year’s entertainments, the Easter fétes and
the Summer fétes, the Grand Prix de Paris and other
races ; while the theatres usually produce some piece
which attracts a good deal of notice, either from its being
very original or very risky. The events of each season
would be referred to in season, and the pleasures of
Paris at each and every season. From this point, the
question of crossing the Channel might be mooted, as to
whether he or she had had a rough passage, or a smooth
passage; whether they were good sailors or the reverse;
and if the man was a good sailor, yachting would
naturally come on the fapis, and he could talk of the
cruises he had made of late, she drawing him on to
tell her where he had been, what he had done, and
what he had seen; if he had been in out-of-the-way
places he would have out-of-the-way things to tell
her ; had he made his way into the interior of Japan,
for instance, in quest of adventure, he would relate
how it was customary with the natives to take their
baths at all hours of the day, without rather than
within doors, and how the water of these baths is kept
pure by means of charcoal, and how an old lady will
leave her bath with great equanimity to point out the
vay to a traveller, who has mquired it of her, and
then skip back to if with corresponding agility; and
of the river bath, where the Japanese bathe in com-
pany, sitting for hours under the cascades of water
formed by the river in its course; and, turning from
N 2180 Society Small Talk.

 

the lower orders, he would tell of the courtesy and
beauty of the women of the upper classes, and of the
elegance and grace of their attire, and of the honour
and chivalry of the men, and of their holding life so
cheap and their friends so dear. If he had voyaged,
and travelled, observed and remembered, his conversa-
tion would be unsually pleasant were the intelligence
of the lady equal to the calling forth of his reminis-
cences, by well-directed questions and leading remarks ;
but if the extent of his yachting had been in the
Solent, or if he disliked yachting, and would not go on
board a yacht if he could help it, he would probably
add that he would not cross to Calais even, unless he
was sure of a moderately calm passage, as he hated
the prostration which always follows upon sea-
sickness, to which the lady might reply, ‘‘ That very
little sympathy is awarded in this malady to those
who suffer by those who do not.”

“JT find this to be the case,” resumes the man,
“one’s more fortunate friends have but little pity to
bestow upon one, not that one requires their pity, and,
as far as I am concerned, when I have the ill-
luck to be laid up, I prefer being left to myself,
and that no one should come near me until I am well
again.”

“ow very misanthropical and odd of you,” says
the lady, ‘‘ most people desire sympathy and attention
when they are ill from the women of their family,Running On. ISI

 

however much they may dispense with it at other
times,”

‘At all other times,” returns he, “I am open to
any amount of sympathy and attention from any one
kind enough to bestow it. I am one of those who
like to suffer in silence, and not to pain the tender
hearts around me by the exhibition of my sufferings.”’

“T beheve that is only an amendment to your last
Diogenes-like speech, there is too much consideration
about it to be quite genuine,” returns the lady.

“You do men injustice, and me in particular,”’ is
the retort; “it is a favourite theory, I believe, with
women, that all the feeling is on their side, and all the
callousness and selfishness on ours, whereas I main-
tain that when a woman is really hard-hearted, she
astonishes man with the cruelties she is capable of.”

‘Perhaps it is as well,” replies the lady, “that
men should occasionally meet with women who are
less tender-hearted than their sisters, and who in some
measure avenge their sex.”

“Ah, but in most instances,” returns he, “ the one
who takes his punishment from these fair hands, is
the one who least merits it, and to whom it is there-
fore the more unexpected through his belief in the
truth and goodness of woman ; and when to heartless-
ness is united vanity and frivolity, then is his faith
still further destroyed, and not only is the faith of the
victim himself shaken, but that of his comrades also,182 Society Small Talk.

   

 

the on-lookers ; and the more chivalrous and honour-
able their sentiments, the more lasting and deep is the

mistrust engendered.”

“You seem very much in earnest,” the lady might

answer, ‘let me hope that you are speaking as an on-

looker only.”

“Yes, entirely from that point,” returns he; “my

experience dates from a long residence in India, where

all that is worthless in woman comes to the surface,

and where goodness and rectitude are—well, I ques-

tion if they so much as exist.”

“Then have you quite lost faith in woman from the

unworthiness of the few ?”’ inquires the lady.

d

“Say, rather of the many,’

rejoms he; “ the want

of principle that I have seen exhibited by women in

their dealings with men, and the pernicious effect that

their gracelessness has produced upon them, has, I

confess, left me with but little trust and very much of

suspicion where women are concerned.”

“How very sad,” returns the lady, “that society

should be so constituted out there.”

“Sad, but truce,” asserts he, “ but when women

have no better occupations than dressing and flirting,

whether in India or in England, how is it possible

that they can become other than heartless and frivolous,

if not altogether unprincipled and demoralized.”

“T am afraid I cannot contradict you,’

?

lady; “there is too much truth in what you say,

returns theRunning On. 183

 

although I believe that the class of women you depict
are in the minority, and I trust it is reserved to some
one to restore your faith in the majority.”

“That would be difficult,” responds he, “ I would
not say impossible, but I am afraid that were I
beguiled for one moment into belief, my suspicions
would be aroused the next, being aware as I am of the
self-seeking propensities of woman.”

«“T will not argue the point with you now,” says
the lady, ‘“ but leave it to time or to fate to decide.”

“Too many of us draw upon the future for every-
thing,” is the retort; “I have discovered that it 1s
best to take the present as it stands, and to expect
nothing from the future.”

“That is a very morbid view to take of life,” says
the lady, “the future may have so much in store for
you for all you know to the contrary.”

“You are of a sanguine turn of mind, I see, like
most ladies; but can you lay your hand upon your
heart, and tell me, that the realization of the future
at any time of your life surpassed, or even equalled,
what ‘the present’ held for you at the moment when
you were so eagerly looking forward ; if so, you have
been more fortunate than most people.”

“Well, I cannot say that it has; and on looking
back, one feels that one would gladly exchange the
past for the present if one only could.”

“Ah, the past, we all look back upon that; the184 Socrety Small Talk.

 

young man to his school-boy days, the middle-aged
man to his college-days, and the old man to the days
of his prime.”
“ The moments that are fleeting fast,
We heed not, but the past—the past,
More highly prize.”

“To be content with the present,’ remarks the
lady, “demands that one’s ‘lines should be cast in
pleasant places,’ otherwise, life would be unendurable
without the sweetening thought of what the future
may contain, and the being able to say,—

‘Where art thou, beloved to-morrow ?’

or of feeling with Micawber, that, perhaps, ‘some-
thing will turn up.’”’

‘There it is,” laughs he, ‘if Micawber had made
the best of the present, and thought less of the future,
and had put his shoulder to the wheel in earnest,
poor credulous, confiding Mrs. Micawber would have
had a better time of it. I have always looked upon
her as the most amiable of wives.”

“Tt is very amiable of you to allow as much,”
says the lady, “‘ seemg what your opinion is respecting
women in general.”

“‘ Mrs. M., you see,” retorts he, “ was not a woman
of fashion, but a woman of fiction, and a worthy
woman im her way.”*... .

At out-door meetings, where usually two or moreRunning On. 185

 

ladies are sitting or walking together, it not un-
frequently happens that the conversation with an
acquaintance, who chances to join them, is almost
entirely sustained by one lady only; the friend, or
friends, who may be with her merely supporting her
with an occasional word or smile; but when equal to
doing more than this, the opening is always afforded
them, though it would be idle and useless to attempt
to draw into conversation one, who, when she did
speak, would be certain to say the wrong thing; and
it is worthy of remark that those who have the least
to say, in the way of agreeable conversation, have an
unfortunate facility for saying the wrong thing when
they happen to speak, giving a good-natured friend
no little trouble in adroitly covering up their gaucheries.
The rédle of one who says something foolish every
time she opens her mouth is decidedly that of a
listener until she has learnt to fly alone, and made
some advances in the art of sensible small talk.
When a second man joins a group consisting, per-
haps, of two or three ladies and but one man, if
unacquainted with the new-comer, the one who has
had his talk with the ladies withdraws, leaving the
coast clear for his successor, but if the new-comer
were a friend of his, he would remain by the side of
the ladies, and although he might not engross their
attention entirely as before, he gets a very fair share
of it, and a lady who can engage two men in con-186 Society Small Talk.

 

versation with her at one and the same time, pro-
viding that her beauty is not the chief attraction, 1s
rather a clever young lady than not; but when a
husband and wife are joined out walking by a friend
or acquaintance, the conversation is then carried on
by the two men, the lady seldom having a chance of
distinguishing herself otherwise than as an intelligent
listener; and even in the conversation @ trois, when
the lady is not related to either of the gentlemen, but
a bond fide acquaintance only, unless she exerts herself
to be agreeable, and keeps the thread of the conversa-
tion well in her own hands, only allowmg each man
to have just as much, or just as little, of the talk as
she pleases, she finds that before a few moments have
elapsed they have all the talk to themselves, and in
which she cannot very well join, however inclined to
do so, and when this occurs she feels prompted to say
“good-bye” to them both, and leave them to each
other’s society, which departure would probably be
taken with much equanimity; but when not wishing
to relinquish a pleasant chat with acquaintances she
gives a check to their running on im some such way
as this :—The one man will say—

“Tow are you?” ‘ When did you come down?”
or, “ When did you come up ?”’ as the case might be.
The other rephes—

“T have only run up for a day or two, to look out
for some horses; ” or “I am only down here for twoRunning On.

 

or three days, staying with Brown, you remember
him.” The reply to the first remark would be, “If
you are going to Tattersall’s, I will come with you; I
want to pick up something to match that roan of
mine ;”’ or to the second remark, the mention of Brown
would elicit various scraps of information as to where
Brown was, what Brown was doing, and as to Brown’s
stable arrangements, ‘‘ what he had got to ride,” and
“what he had got to drive.” But to prevent this line
of conversation being taken, a woman of tact loses no
time, and the ‘‘ How do you do?” from her is followed
with the identical remark that, the male friend would
put were the chance but his, with this difference, that
the man puts it in an off-hand, careless manner, and
the lady in a manner graceful and even insinuating ;
and all the information he has to give about himself
and his movements, as to when he came up, or when
he came down, and even about Brown, is imparted to
her, his friend receiving the benefit of the intelligence,
although perhaps getting no further than being able
to put in, “ Brown, oh, yes, | remember him, he was
a very good fellow.” Thus Brown might form a link
of conversation for the three, the lady skilfully ex-
tracting from the two men all they had to say about
him and his possessions, but never allowing them to
talk over her head.

“Mr. Brown drives a very smart looking coach, a
chestnut team, I think,” throws out the lady.188 Socrety Small Talk.

 

“Yes, that is Brown’s coach,” returns Brown’s
euest, ‘I came over with him to-day, it is only a seven-
mile drive; he expects a lot of fellows to stay with
him to-morrow, he promises us some good sport, there
are plenty of birds he says.”

But at the words ‘ birds,” and good sport,” the
lady knows perfectly well that unless a diversion is
made, the two men will coalesce and prove too much
for her, so she breaks in with:

“Ts there a Mrs. or a Miss Brown, or is it only a
bachelor party ?”

‘Brown is a bachelor,’ returns Brown’s friend,
“but I doubt if he will be allowed to remain one with
all his money.”

‘Perhaps he is of your opinion,” says the lady,
turning to the man who is not staying with Brown,
‘and holds ladies at arms’ length, as you do.”

“ No, from what I can remember of Brown,” returns
he, “ he was rather susceptible where ladies were con-
cerned, I only wonder he has held out so long.”

‘That is because he has had it all his own way,”
says the other man; “if he had been a poor man,
he would doubtless have been married long ago, a little
opposition on the part of a prudent father or guardian
being just the stimulus he wanted, whereas the
mammas haye rather gone on the opposite tack, and
have never allowed him to forget that he is a coveted
prize.”Running On. 189

 

“T suppose you will look upon this as further con-
firmation of woman’s pursuit of wealth,” puts in the
lady, addressing her other acquaintance number one,
as he may be called by way of distinction, “ and I was
hoping that you might be led to take a more lenient
view of the female character.”

“ Circumstances are against you, and I am afraid
they ever will be,” returns he; “ you will tire of your
benevolent intention when you find how hopeless is its
accomplishment.”’

‘Whatever task you have undertaken,” gallantly
puts in acquaintance number two, “I am quite sure
you will carry it through in a most successful manner
if it depends upon your persuasive powers, for whoever
is the object of your pity or benevolence, must sooner
or later give in to you and own your power.”

9

«“T am not over sanguine of success,” returns the
lady, ‘‘ there is as much to be undone as to be done,
and my progress will be almost imperceptible I am
beginning to fear.”

To which acquaintance number one can only reply:

“T own to feeling not a little flattered at the interest
you are kind enough to take in me, but am also a
little mistrustful of your motives, otherwise your anxiety
to rehabilitate your sex in my eyes would be the first
step in that direction.”

“Tt is as I said, the charm 1s working,” says ac-
quaintance number two, “ and I think I see the begin-190 Society Small Talk.

 

ning of the end; but do not give away all your interest
and sympathy to our friend here, as you seem to be
doing, but reserve a little for my unworthy self.”

“ Certainly,” returns the lady; “what do you wish
me to be sympathetic about or to take an interest
1

“Jn myself,” generally is the rejoinder.

‘That is too vague,” returns the lady, “ there would
be nothing to dwell upon. Sympathy spread over so
large a surface would exhaust itself, give me some point
upon which to concentrate it.”

“You have put him in a corner by such a request,”
remarks acquaintance number one, “he is asking for
what he really does not want, like a schoolboy for
more apples than he can eat. The things that most
occupy him at this moment are, I fancy, whether his
bay mare is lame or not, and whether he will get an
extension of leave for the hunting season.”

‘You are rather hard upon me,” returns acquain-
tance number two, good-humouredly, “you want to
put me quite out of court. I suppose,” turning to the
lady, “while I am enjoying your society and your
smiles, [am not a fit object for sympathy, but rather
for envy, when I am deprived of this pleasure, and am
no longer within reach of it, then will be the time for
you to bestow your sympathy and compassion upon
me.

“Then the time has now arrived,’’ says the lady,Running On. ig!

 

“sooner than either of us thought for. Mr. Brown’s
coach is in sight, and is coming this way.”

“Brown is not alone,” exclaims Brown’s guest,
“Smith, Jones, and Robinson are with him, three of
the pleasantest fellows I know. I must not run on
any longer; Iam afraid I must say ‘ good-bye’ for
the present.”

An adept at small talk infuses a spice of originality
into ordinary and every-day topics, or “ gives to airy
nothings a local habitation and aname.” Itfshe talks
of dress, she talks of it not only as an “art,” a fashion,
a garment, but as the outward emblem of the inner
woman, and as an indication of individual character.
Into the question of health, he gently imsimuates some
sanitary element. Of “the human face divine,” the
features could be taken by him as an outcome of the
soul within, and facial workings as the hieroglyphics of
temper, trials, and feelings, and the human voice as de-
monstrating the harmony or discord of moral feelings.

Even the well-worn topic of the weather can in
practised hands become interesting, if not original, by
some hint being given as to the laws that regulate
it, for if seemingly capricious as woman, it 1s yet to
be prognosticated. Thus there is no topic, however
prosaic, that cannot be made a vehicle for “running
on” in the agreeable art of small talk.

THE END.LONDON:

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