&Z2. PRICE SIXPENCE. BSBlp _________________ I’SiVl A NEW ANI) ORIGINAL NAUTICAL BURLESQUE, ENTITLED POLL AND PARTNER JOE OR, THE PRIDE OF PUTNEY, AND THE PRESSING PIRATE. WRITTEN BY F. C. BURNAND, AUTHOR OF ‘ IXION,’ ‘ BLACK-EYED SUSAN, OR THE LITTLE BILL THAT WAS TAKEN UP,’ ‘ MILITARY BILLY TAYLOR,’ 4 SIR GEORGE AND A DRAGON,’ PARIS, OR YIYE LEMPRIERE,’ ‘MADAME BERLIOT-’s BALL,’ ‘ DEAL BOATMAN,’ ‘ THE TURN OF THE TIDE,’ ‘ JULIUS CNAESAR,’ ETC. ETC. ETC. LONDON: TINSLEY BROTHERS, CATHERINE STREET,... STEAND, ¥.C. 1871. [_AU Rights Reserved.]TINSLEY BROTHERS’ SERIES OF SEVEN- AND-SIIPENNY WORKS, HANDSOMELY BOUND IN BEVELLED BOAEDS. The Pilgrim and the Shrine; or, Passages from the Life and Correspondence of Herbert Ainslie, B.A. Cantab. Hew and Cheaper Edition, with Corrections and Additions. Maxims by a Man of the World. By the Author of “ Lost Sir Massingberd.”'- The Adventures of a Bric-a-Brac Hunter. By Major Byng Hall. The Night Side of London. By J. Ewing Ritchie, Author of “ About London,” etc. Hew and Enlarged Edition. Some Habits and Customs of the Working Classes. By a Journeyman Engineer. The Great Unwashed. By “The Journeyman En- gineer.” Uniform with “ Some Habits and Customs of the Working Classes.” Town and Country Sketches. By Andrew Halliday, Author of “ Sunnyside Papers.” A Course of English Literature. By James Hannay. Suitable for Students and Schools. Modern Characteristics : a Series of Essays from the “ Saturday Review,” revised by the Author. Sunnyside Papers. By Andrew Halliday, Author of “Everyday Papers,” etc. Essays in Defence of Women. Crown 8vo, handsomely bound in cloth, gilt, bevelled boards. Places and People; being Studies froni the Life. By J. C. Parkinson. TINSLEY BROTHERS, 18, CATHERINE STREET, STRAND.A NEW AND ORIGINAL NAUTICAL BURLESQUE, ENTITLED POLL AND PARTNER JOE OB, THE PRIDE OF PUTNEY, AND THE PRESSING PIRATE. WRIT TENT BY F. C. BURN AND, AUTHOR OP ‘iXION,’ i BLACK-EYED SUSAN, OR THE LITTLE BILL THAT NVAS TAKEN UP,’ ‘ MILITARY BILLY TAYLOR,’ c SIR- GEORGE AND A DRAGON,’ PARIS, OR YIYE LEMPRIERE,’ ‘ MADAME BERLIOT’s BALL,’ ‘ DEAL BOATMAN,’ ‘ THE TURN OP THE TIDE,’ ‘ JULIUS CN2ESAR,’ ETC. ETC. ETC. LONDON: TINSLEY BROTHERS, CATHERINE STREET, STRAND, W.C. 1871. [All Rights Reserved.]'PLAYS BY P. C. BURNAND. Dramas and Comedy-Dramas.—The Deal Boatman (in 2 Acts) ; Morelen Grange (3 Acts) ; The Tarn of the Tide (3 Acts) ; Madame Berliot’s Ball, or the Chalet in the Valley (2 Acts); Humbug (2 Acts); Deadman’s Point, or the Light- house on the Carn Ruth (3 Acts). Comic Operas and Musical Pieces. — The Contrabandista ; The Interpolated Libretto of Cox and Box, or the Long Lost Brothers ; Inquire Within (at German Heed’s); The Yachting Cruise (ditto) ; Beggar my Neighbour (ditto); Girls of the Pe- riod (Drury Dane). Operas-Bouffes (English).—L’Africaine ; Windsor Castle. Farces.'—Romance under Difficulties; In for a Holiday ; Deerfoot; A Nailing Notion. Burlesques.—Patient Penelope, or the Return of Ulysses ; Ixion, or the Man at the Wheel; Rumplestiltskin, or the Wo- man at the Wheel; Pirithous, Son of Ixion; Ulysses, the Iron- clad Warrior and the Little Tug of War; Dido; Dido (2nd edition); Paris, or ViveLempriere ; Acis and Galataea ; Olympic Games, or the Major, the Miner, and the Cock-a-doodle-doo ; Sappho, or Look before you Leap; Antony and Cleopatra, or His Story and Her Story ; Helen, or ‘ Taken from the Greek ;’ Alonzo the Brave, or Faust and the Fair Imogene ; Vilikins and his Dinah ; Lord Lovel and Lady Nancy Bell; Fair Rosa- mond ; Robin Hood, or the Foresters’ Fete; Snowdrop, or the Seven Mannikins and the Magic Mirror; Cupid and Psyche, or beautiful as a Butterfly ; L’Africaine (Burlesque) ; Boabdil el Chico, or the Moor the Merrier ; Der Freischutz, or a good Cast for a Piece; The Latest Edition of Black-Eyed Susan, or the Little Bill that was taken up ; Guy Fawkes, or the Ugly Mug and the Couple of Spoons ; Mary Turner, or the Wieious Willin and Wictorious Wirtue ; The White Fawn (JELolborn); White Fawn (Liverpool) ; Fowl Play ; Hit and Miss ; the Rise and Fall of Bichard III., or a New Front to an Old Dicky; The Frightful Hair! Claude DuVal; Venus and Adonis ; The Military Billy Taylor; Sir George and a Dragon ; the Beast and the Beauty ; the White Cat. And part Author of B. B.; Volunteer Ball; Carte de Visite; The Isle of St. Tropez (Drama in 3 Acts) ; Easy Shaving.Q- U- CHARACTERS. : / Harry Hallyard . Joe Tiller . . . Sam Sculler . . Ben Bowse . . . Watchful Waxend Brandon ... . Sam Snatchem . . ^ Landlord .... f Lieutenant Manley First Mate . . . Dame Tiller . . . „> Abigail......... Mary Maybud . . . . Miss Chambers. Miss Caroline Parkes. Mr. G-aston Murray. . Miss Marion Inch. . . . . Mr. Young. . Mr. Lionel Brough. . . . . Mr. Arthur. . . . . Mr. Barrier. . . . Mr. Hurlstone. . Miss Sallie Turner. . . . . Mr. H. Cox. . . . . Miss Adair. . . Mrs. John Wood. Sailors, Watermen, Press-gang, etc. etc. First produced at St. James's Theatre, under the Manage- ment of Mrs. John Wood, May 6th, 1871.POLL AND PARTNER JOE. SCENE I.—Inn l.h. Cottage R. Table and form l.h. Tub c. on which Waxend sits. Sailors, Watermen, and Girls. Opening. All. Brayvo, old Watchful Waxend. Wax. They mean me ; I’m Bishop, recollect of Battersea. {Chord, and all cheer l Enter Joe, r. 3 e. and down.) Joe. Of course, ’cos you’re a cobbler, whom these drolls Call Bishop, as you have the cure of soles. Wax. Joe Tiller, when mine host his yellow seal taps, My motto, though a cobbler, is, “ no heel-taps.” A line of Waxends kept a cobbler’s Stall, And I inherit the ancestral Awl. (Joe to Sculler, l. My friends, I will recite a moral poem— “ flow doth the little busy ”— Bowse. We all know ’em. Joe is of Battersea the Bard alone. (cross to Joe.) Give us a stave. Joe. Hem! something of my own: I wrote it in a fit of inspiration. Wax.(r) This comes of a superior education. (Abigail up and down l. Joe. ’Tis Mary Maybud’s beauty I extol, The poem is addressed to Lovely Poll. Song.—Air, “ Sally Sikes A On Putney Bridge there lives a lass, As bright as a May-day morning j6 POLL AND PARTNER JOE. And something I haven’t thought of yet— And rum-tum-tum adorning. Oh, pretty Poll, With your tol de rol lol, And something that rhymes to Putney ; You look so neat, and smile so sweet, You rum-tum-tum to Putney. All. Brayvo ! (Waxend up to tub, Bowse assisting him, and cross to Sculler.) An. (pouting) Well, nothing new in that you’ve got; You’re always rhyming about Poll. Joe. (enthusiastically) Why not Why, Abigail, she’s lovely. Ab. (spitefully) She’s to marry Your partner ; she is going to young Harry. Joe. (with emotion) She is. (aside) Be still, my heart, (aloud) She is, wbat then P Ab. Nothing. You’ve got some other verses. Joe. Ten. Wax. Go on, my Warbler, with the Bishop’s benison, Give us the other ten, young Alfred Tennyson. Joe. Of course, if you admire ’em, gentlemeu. (Sculler cries. All rap their glasses.) Bowse. Sam Sculler weeps. Scul. (r.c.) “ I’m. never merry when I hear sweet music.” Don’t mind me. For weeks No drops like these have washed these aged cheeks. Bowse, (r.c.) Drink, pretty creature, drink. Scul. My lips I’ll touch. Wax. Proceed! Your story interests me much. Joe (l.h. with newspaper) What’s this ! I see, he weeps for Harry Heartly, Who’s gone for good. Is that it, Sammy ? Scul. Partly. (Sculler rises and all come down c.) He went for five pound ten. Bowse To get it cashed P Scul. No, when I say he “ went,” I mean he smashed. I backed his bill unknown to his old mammy, And now he’s gone. Ab. Poor Sam. Joe. You were a Sammy. Who holds the little bill ? Scul. Black Brandon, blow him!POLL AND PARTNER JOE. 7 All. Black Brandon! {start.) Scul. Ever seen him ? Joe. ISTo. Don’t know him. {All shake their heads.) Scul. Nor I. Bowse. Why, then, so pale? Come, don’t be duller. Wax, Gin for Sam Sculler; {exit Landlord l.h.) ’twill restore Sam’s colour. Joe. Aye, liquidate your debts, and let’s be jolly. Ilere is another poem Ab. {snappishly) About Polly ? Scul. Yes, sing of Polly, my adopted daughter; My sweet—no sugar, thank ye, or hot water. Sculler l. o/’r.h. table, Bowse r. of e.h. table, Waxend c., Abigail l. Song, Joe.—Air, “Kate Kearney A 1. 0 beautiful Polly of Putney, Your hair is much browner than Chutnee ; Your eyes are so bright, They extinguish the light, Of the gas which illuminates PutnejG [O sweet pretty Polly of Putney, No one can accuse you of glutt’ny ; Y our waist is so slim, And your figure so trim, That there’s nobody like you in Putney.] 2. O pert pretty Poll}7- of Putney, You don’t walk as if you’d a cut knee ; How fast you do go ! But you’re run after so, By the male population of Putney. 3. O proud pretty Polly of Putney, You should have a page boy all butt’ny, With gloves, white cravat, And gold lace on his hat. Just to wake up the people of Putney. [Parewell, then, sweet Polly of Putney, Beside you I’m sheepish or mutt’ny; For you’ll never be Any more, dear, to me, Than you now are, sweet Polly of Putney.] {goes up.)8 POLL AND PARTNER JOE. (Joe up to Abigail l., Bowse helps Sculler across to l. Immense applause, except from Abigail, who won’t speak to him as he goes up. Music. Melodramatic Music for entrance.) Enter Snatchem beckoning on Black Brandon from r. 2 e. They come down c. melodramatically. Snatchem gets r.c., Brandon seated r.c. Bran. The fools are clinking. Snatch. There’s old Sculler drinking. I wonder now of what’s the old man thinking P Bran. Observe him, Snatchem. Snatch. Perhaps he thinks—Law bless us— Of writs ca. sa.,fi.fa. and stet processus. Bran. If he can’t pay, I’ll sell up every stick, Or let his Polly pay, thatpolitick; Or as I love her—madly—to distraction, If I may marry her I’ll drop the action. Oh, when I think of her ray pulse beats quicker. Snatch. "We’ve come for law, not love. Bran. You’re right; we’ll liquor. (Brandon threatens him so as to make him be quiet.) Bran. Landlord! (general start.) Landl. I’ll bring whatever you may wish up. Just name your orders, Sir. Bran. My orders? Bishop, Of hot port wine, with sugar, nutmeg, lemon, Quick, (flourishes stick. Snatchem imitates him.) Landl. Yes, Sir. (aside) What an irritable gemm’un ! (Brandon whacks stick on table. Exit Landlord at a bound.) Wax. You ordered Bishop. Bran. Well, my drunken hobbler ! If you I’d wanted I’d have ordered “ cobbler! Wax. (c.) I’m Bishop. Bran. I’m as good a one as you. Joe. (to L.c.) You look an ordinary party too. Bran. An insult! Snatch. Yes ; as that we must receive. An action lies. Ab. (l.h.) Lies? then I don’t believe it. Bran, (goingup to Joe) Ine’erforget an insult. (Joe threatens, and Brandon 4 caves in') Now then, say, Is Mr. Samuel Sculler in the way. (Waxend^/^ Sculler round, l.h.)POLL AND PARTNER JOE. 9 Scul. I’m not at all in your way. Bean. Ha! insulted! (bus. as before.) Ho matter! Of your goods you will be mulcted. Snatch, (r.) Sculler, your shoulder I must put my band on. I’m Snatcbem, bailiff. All. Ha! Bean. (e. c.) And I’m Black Brandon. (chord start.) From you, my friend, I want five pounds or more. Scul. I have no gold. Joe. Poor Sculler has no ore. Ab. (l.) Haven’t you got a boat that might be sale able ? Was. (l.c.) What’s in your house; the scullery available? Bean. What have you got to sit on ? Scul. One poor chair. Snatch. Have you, then, nothing else but that in there ? (begins to note them down.) Scul. A bed, a table, and a pair of lockers ; A chest of—hum !—we’ll call them knickerbockers. Snatch. At twelve bob for the lot, the price I fix, And we have come for five pun ten and six (to L. H.) Scul. Won’t anybody— (All feel in their pockets and shake their heads.) Joe, I’m sure I’d lend it; But I’ve a partner, (aside) and I don’t intend it. Bran. He has no friends. Away with him. Ho jaw. Snatch. Here is my warrant; don’t resist the law. Water. Bonnet ’em. (Music.) Ab. * Duck him. Wax. Hick him. Bowse. Ask no questions, But chuck him in. Bean. Well, any more suggestions ? Ho takers. Seize him. Mark this, clear as crystal, Make but one small advance, pop goes the pistol. (He thrusts Sculler over to Snatchem, throws him- self between them, and approaching Watermen, headed by Joe and Abigail, levels a pistol at them. Snatchem r., with Sculler, Brandon r. c., Joe c., Bowse l. c., Abigail l., Waxend l., Water- men and Landlord in row behind r.) Wax. (running behind and jumping on tub c.) Here! hear your Bishop. I’m a man of peace. Bran. Away! don’t interfere with the police While in the execution of his duty.10 POLL AND PARTNER JOE. Scul. Mercy ! {falling and nearly carrying Snatchem with him.) Bean. Away with him! (Snatchem is dragging Sculler off up stage l., when Harry Hallyard dashes in r. 3 e. behind Water- men and down between Brandon and Snatchem with Sculler. He knocks Snatchem doivn, who falls, and Sculler over him; and seizing Bran- don’s pistol, throws him round to r. and points it at him. Brandon falls l., Snatchem r.) Harry. Belay, my beauty! {Picture.) Bran. And who are you who’d rake us fore and aft ? Harry. I’m Harry Hallyard. Hate all lawyer’s craft. My wherry is the werry best about, My sweetheart is the werriest beauty out. I’ll row two miles ’gainst any one who’ll meet me, And with a good mile start there’s none who’ll beat me.- I’ll always serve a friend—oh, wait a bit— Hot as you’d go and serve him—with a writ. I hate oppression, vice, etcetera ; them’s The sentiments of boatmen on the Thames, And they are mine. I’m one of Virtue’s crew— I’m Harry Hallyard—now who are you P Snatch, (r. h. trembling and shalcing his staff) Hespect the strong arm of the law, I begs. Harry. Arm? Ho, I see two limbs; they’re thorough “ legs.91 Snatch. Sir, you’re insulted. Bran, (l.) Ha! insulted ! Brandon Hever forgets an insult, sea or land on. Come, five, ten, six. Harry, {giving money) One, ten, six, which I’ve found in My pocket. Bran. Four pound out. {crosses to R. c.) Harry, {showing fight) Then take one pound-in, I’ll square it with you. Snatch. Ho, respect the law. (Snatchem crosses to Harry, who puts him over to Joe, who takes his pencil and book; then Bowse keeps Snatchem down r.) Bran. I’ll have it, sure as two and two make four, Which is a fact; at least, you’ll not deny it. Joe. Coming from you, I’ll put it down and try it.POLL AND PARTNER JOE. 11 (makes note.) Bran. Insulted in arithmetic!! Go, mocker! Harry, (who has been looking over Joe making notes) They do make four!!! then take your pistol, Cocker. Do what it can’t—go off. Don’t touch old Sammy, Or, though I know it’s wrong to swear, yet— dammy I’ll give you two such fine black eyes, my lad, That even Black-eyed Susan never had. Why, as it is, I’ve half a mind to thrash you; And—give me any impudence—I’ll smash you. Bran, (l.c.) Insulted! Harry. Partner J oe, we’ll cash his bill. What have, you got, J oe Tiller, in the till. Joe. (r.c.) One, ten ; but mind, we’re partners; don’t be rash, you— Harry. My partner, hold your tongue, or I shall smash you. Harry. This makes three pounds. J oe. (r. h.) This is stupendous folly. Harry. Stay ! for the rest of it I’ll ax my Polly, (goes to door R.) Yo, ho! the pretty Mary there—eh, ho! Mary, (within) Yoho! the saucy Harry! Yoho! Enter Mary Maybud c., Chord. Mary. Why, Harry, what’s the matter—any danger! Ha ! (starts, seeing Brandon.) Harry. What! Mary. Oh, nothing! (curtseys to Brandon). Wel- come little stranger; (aside) He’s skulked about this place for several days. Bran. Ha! ha! she’s fascinated by my gaze. Harry. Sam is a bankrupt. Mary. . Is he P then he ought To leave his alley and go through the Court. How don’t cry, Mr. Sculler, where’s the shame P Why bankruptcy’s a fashionable game; You make or lose a fortune all by flukes, One can’t say more for marquises or dukes. “ Sculler’s Insolvency,” that’s how they’ll head it, Why ’tis a thing that’s vastly to your credit. Harry. Yes, but— (goes up with her.) Joe. (aside) Oh, Polly, would that you were mine. -Snatch, (l.h.) She’s of the style of woman I call fine. Bran, (l.c.) Old man, a word. I will forego my claim UMJEttS!TY OF ILLlNOfjh" imm,12 POLL AND PARTNER JOE. If you will make your daughter change her name To mine,—you’ll have an income paid per quarter. Soul, (r.c.) With pleasure. But I haven’t got a daughter. Bran. Why, isn’t Mary— Scul. Mary Maybud. She Is a kind orphan, she adopted me. (Brandon staggeredl.) Mart comes down. Mary. Soft words will settle p’raps the case ’twixt Sam an5 him, And we shall save our money if I gammon him. You plaintiff ’gainst defendant have a grudge, ISow take your places, you’re the learned judge, (ito Waxend c. on tub.) And here’s a jury whom we can impannel. Snatch. A Daniel come to judgment! quite a Dan’ll! Mary. Ahem! Defendant cannot pay. The Jew Must .then be merciful. Bran. Who’s he P Mary. That’s you. Bran. Again insulted!—as I have explained— Mary. The quality of mercy isn’t strained, But droppeth like the gentle rain— Bran, {aside) Insane; I’ll put a strong curb on her gentle rein. {aloud) Look, here’s his bill; no one a mag will lend on it, I’ll have my five, ten, six, and there’s an end on it. Mary4. Here ! (Harry has brought bag from house R. H.) canvas bag and coppers can’t be neater. Joe. {aside) Canvas bagged duck. Oh, I could almost eat her. She shall be mine one day, but when or how I own I do not see exactly now. Harry., There is your debt. There’s five pound ten and six. Snatch, (l. c.) Three halfpence short. Harry. Then take the change in kicks. Snatch. Look, Sir, they’re kicking me. {at bach among watermen.) Bran. My agent, he, I feel in kicking him you’re kicking me. Snatch, (l.) The theory in law may be quite true, But I don’t feel that they’ve been kicking you. Harry. Belay ! sheer off you dirty money-grubbers, You cormorants ! you porpoises ! you land-sharks! lubbers.POLL AND PARTNER JOE. 13 I ne’er forget an insult. Ugly camel! You dare to lay a finger on old Sammle, And though I am the weakest of my sex, This little hand would wring your precious necks. Another insult! I don’t see the fun of ’em; But I do not forget them,—no; not one of ’em. Know, Harry Hallyard, since we then have met, Brandon an insult never does forget. And so the time wil] come—aha!—you’ll see— When, as the song says, “ You’ll remember me.” You Polly, Harry, and your partner Joe ! How I remember insults you shall know. Sono. Air, “ Name Unknown.” Bean. Oh, when I was a little boy, I was sent off to school; And ’cos I never learnt a thing, They thought I was a fool. My grammar was hard to remember, And my Latin harder still; But—I never forgot an insult, And by Jove I never will. My master birched me wildly, The boys they thrashed me too, I said to myself quite mildly, When I was black and blue, Oh—I never forget an insult. I say it to my praise, Although the year were made up of The very longest days. If very few things I remember, Yet this I stick to still, That I never forget an insult, ■ And by Jove I never will. Birched! Lashed! Beat! Thrashed! Chorus. He never, etc. Maey. (l.c.) He came beneath the lattice, And to me he did make love ; I emptied out the water can On him from up above ; The can was full of water, Bean. Maey. Bean. (gets c.)14 POLL AND PABTNEB JOE. Which I’d taken care to fill. He’ll neyer forget that insnlt. No, by Jove, he never will. The boys came out to jeer him, They rolled him in the mud; The washerwoman near him Covered him with soapsud. The case you may remember; we spoilt your coat and frill. Ah! you haven’t forgot that insult. Bean. No ! Mary. By Jove, you never will. Birched! Lashed! Beat! Thrashed! Drenched! Squenched! Mud! Sud! Chorus. 7 He hasn’t forgot, etc. Bran. ) I haven’t forgot, etc. Harry, (r.c.) I’ve heard that to another girl, Uncommon rude was he ; She sent for her big brother, As tall as a poplar-tree. He treated him like the Longlegs, Who wouldn’t say his prayers; He took him up by the scruff of his neck, And kicked him down the stairs. He gave the odds at races ’Grainst every sort of horse, And so at various places He was warned off the course. And when they caught him welching, They ducked him near a mill. He’ll never forget that insult. ... by Jove, I never will. Birched! Lashed! Beat! Thrashed! Drenched! Squenched! Mud! Sud! Welched—squelched—ducked—chucked— Kicked—licked—um—ha! ho ! I! Bran. ) I never forget, etc. Chorus. ) He never forgets, etc. General dance., and exeunt. Joe. (r. h.) Wax, (r.) Ab. Joe. Bran. No All.TOLL AND PARTNER JOE. 15 SCENE II.—Interior o/Joe’s house. View of scullery, L. 3e. ; Dame Tillee discovered vvashing ; tremendous lather. Sings.—4 Dreams/ Washing by night, washing by day That’s how"I pass my wretched hours away. (Bus, with tub. She takes out a veil and a pair of small socks : these she hangs on the line, sighs, regards them sorrowfully, and comes doion.) Dame. Tubby or not tubby—there’s the rub, Whether I shall get anything to scrub, Or overcome by all my numerous troubles Dive headlong down into that sea of bubbles ; As to my bus’ness it is something shockin’, Of stockings I’ve got but that small stock in. People won’t send their things, complaining (bosh) That, like King John, they’d lost ’em in the wash, I used to do for schools, and so it follers I used to have a lot of scholars’ collars; Now I have none, no collars smooth, nor ruffs, I’ve got to make the best of fortune’s cuffs. To emigrate the best thing now would be,— Yes ! Washington would be the place for me. I’ve nobody to help me, save my son, Joe is his name, the lad is full of fun ; Industrious, active, sprightly, brisk, and goey, (Music until Joe’s entrance.) One cannot live for long though on ajoey. Is that is his step ? ’tis too light for a navvy, Methinks I hear him walking on the pavvy ; Down, down my heart, another step, one more, There always are some steps before a door. P’raps, while away, my boy has thought of me, And now returns with what he’s bought for tea. We tea at five, when, it’s a time that’s swellish, Some think they like a somethink as a relish, A shrimp or winkle, tea with which one drinks, Then snoozes,—fifty shrimps thex\ forty winks. Ha! ha! I hear his footstep in the passage, Oh ! anxious moment, has he brought a sassage F Duet. (Air 1 Hermanns Quickstep/) Joey,how d’ye do, dear? Dame.16 POLL AND PARTNER JOE. Have you got with you, dear, Something nice for tea, for tea ? If you haven’t got it, Tea alone we’ll drink, With no muffin Tor our stuffin’ Or a peri-wink- ■ -le. Joe. Ma! do have some reason ; Periwinkles can’t be got,— It is not the season ; You must know, You are not poetic ; Mine’s a most unhappy lot, Do be sympathetic With poor Joe. (They repeat, doing breakdown step, then fall exhausted into chairs R. and L.) Joe. (r.) Oh, mother ! is respectable longevity Any excuse for this unseemly levity ; Dame, (l.) I cry with joy to see you. Joe. Ma! don’t sniff! Dame. Dear! I ain’t got no (sob) pockethandkerc^f. J oe. (both rising.) Take this ; ’tis hers, regard that small oasis, The centre, the small spot where there no lace is. I brought it home for you to wash. 1 Good boy, That it she at her wedding might employ. Polly’s initials on it I discover. (superciliously) Well, she’s a nice ’un too,— (stopping her) She is ! I love her. Love her ? (-violently) Yes, madly, (astonished) So it seems. Who knows if Harry were gone, she— Pooh! she’s not for Joseph. I love her, mother, with a poet’s frenzy. (takes stage wildly.) (aside) It’s hydrophobia or influenzy. (aloud) You’d better go to bed, my ill-used boy, And homoeopathy I will employ. The pain is here (pressing his heart). My system I’ll explain, For bed will cure you with a counter-pane. Dame. Joe. Dame. Joe. Dame. Joe. Dame. Joe. Dame. Joe. Dame. Joe. Dame.POLL AND PARTNER JOE. 17 Joe. OH, dear, don’t bother, mother, I don’t care. Dame. I wish a little boy once more you were Sucking of sugarsticks. Joe. Idea fantastic, Me suck a stick ! Oh, mother! your suclcastic. Ain’t I a poet, mother ? Dame. Yes, dear, ’orrid ! Joe. How do you know it P Dame. (with conviction) ’ Cos you slaps your forrid. Joe. I’ve something on my brain, that’s why I slap it. Dame. Well, if it’s water, dear, don’t slap it,—tap it. Joe. I am a genius, think, then, what I suffer When Pol slights me to marry him, a duffer,— {hurried music.) What’s that ? I hear a noise ! ’tis she, I am sure,— Enter Mart hurriedly, and in a fainting state. Mary. (l.c. up) Ha! ha! at last!—at last I am secure ; They followed me, that Brandon and that Snatchem. Joe. (r.) Followed you, did they ? I should like to catch ’em. Mary. To-morrow is my wedding, and I’ll thank ye To say how much to wash that pocket hanky P Dame, (l.) Well, lace and all, I’ll do for sixpence farding. I’ll empty this {talcing tub), the door, Joe. {Throws suds over Brandon, who appears in doortvay.) Dame, {apologetically) Beg your parding. Bran. You’ve spoilt my flow’r; ’twas getting on so bud- dingly, You shouldn’t throw your suds out, ma’am, so sud- dingly. Dame. Suddinly not. Joe. (r.) What do you want, Sir ? Bran, {producing a pair of collars) These For your mamma to wash and iron, please, {aside) ’Tis she, and it is she {looking at Dame). Dame. Lawks ! how you stare. {aside) I’m sure I’ve seen them eyes before, but where ? [at door.) Bran. Sweetest! {goes up with Joe, and both exit with tub Mary. Don’t touch me, monster, I shall scream. Bran. Do so, my dear, let off a little steam,— I love you, Polly. (Joe has gone to empty tub, returns. Joe and Dame at back in recess with washing business.) B18 POLJj AND PARTNER JOE. Mary, (l.) Polly ! call me miss, That’s j?ofo*tesse. Bran, (r.) ’Tis Polly—Poll—one kiss. One buss. I wants to buss yon, how I wants ter! Mary. There’s no ’bus from the 1 Angel ’ to the 4Monster! Yon come like Mephistopheles. Bran, {savagely) Wot kissed ! Oh! Yon may fear Brandon’s hand more than Mephisto. I tell yon Harry Hallyard’s crossed my path. And I will stamp him out. Oh, go to Bath. To Bath! Ay, if yon like, and on to Bristol, If yon will come with me. If not, this pistol— Help, Joe ! (Joe seizes pistol, coming dotvn .c.) Bran, (scowling to Mary apologetically) ’Twas all a joke! to yon who spoke? Joe. (snapping pistol) ’Twas lucky that you didn’t cap that joke. Bran, (aside) This is the second time it’s not exploded. The reason’s obvious,—it wasn’t loaded. (aloud) I ne’er forget an insult. Dame, (appearing) What’s he doin' of? Joe, your old mother yon will be the ruin of. Quarrel with customers ! (to Brandon, curtseying) What can I say for it ? Bran. Send me the bill. Poll, Dame, and Joe, you’ll pay for it. (goes, returns.) Aha! (darkly) I shall— Joe. Well? Bran. (mysteriously) I’ll be there. Mary, (l.c.) Don’t care! If you say * I’ll be there,' why I’ll be-ware ! Concerted Piece. Air, You will receive, for both, a good round dozen. J This crew will be subjected to screw-tiny By the First Lord. It’s very like a mutiny. You’ve killed or drowned the whole crew of ma- rauders ? Bosen. Ho, Sir. Lieut, (c.) Why not ? Bosen. (r.c.) ’Twas contrary to orders.26 POLL AND PARTNER JOE. Lieut. Then of the worst of ’em you’ve not got; rid. ' 1st M. No, Sir, about a lot of ’em are hid Dressed up with belts, with pistol sword and dagger in. Lieut, {frightened.) This information is a little staggerin’. Bosen. From secret hiding-places they’ll observe us, And pick us off. Lieut, {starting.) I’m getting very nervous. Bosen. There’s in the hold, filled with explosive particles, The magazine and various sharp articles. You understand, Sir. Lieut, {trembling and nervous.) Yes, {aside) I’ll try to grin. {aloud) The magazine. I know,—I take it in. Bosen. We could be blown by them there magazines To Davy Jones, and into Smith-areens. 1st M. The Pirate Chief is there, p’raps like Guy Fox, With matches bound to strike on their own box. Lieut. Ship’s powder, ha! Bright thought! Fetch water, aft. Stir yourselves, ’tis a settle its powder draught. Bosen. But if the hold is guarded P Lieut, {derisively.) Kill the warders. Bosen. Which ain’t it acting contrary to orders P Lieut. No. You’re all pardoned. Water, quick, good souls. And haul the Captain over his own coals. {Exeunt all r., except Manley.) Lieut. But Harry Hallyard with a rope I’ll punish, And all the crew again I will admonish ; Ha, talking of “ admonish,” by this prize I shall add monish to my purse. That’s wise, For after all I’m put a poor Lieutenant, And very far from being independent 1 My principles are Orders and red tape. Music. Enter by door in flat. Brandon in cloak, hat, and lantern. Bran. Now is the witehin’ moment for escape. Lieut. Hallo ! who’s this ! mysterious mantle wrapt in ? Bean, (r.) Another Guy ! Behold the Pirate Captain!!! There is the powder magazine, I’ll fire it; Thus on a pyre expires the ex-pirate. Lieut. You are my pris’ner. {on his knees) Bran. , I’m to madness goaded-—POLL AND PARTNER JOE. 27 Bang, {pistol snaps,) That’s the third time that it’s not exploded. Draw and defend yourself. Now have you drawed p Lieut. I can’t; but this will serve me for a sword. (takes telescoped) Bran. He takes a sight at me. Insulted! I Never forget— Lieut, {looking through telescope.) If I but mind my eye I needn’t trouble much about resistance, So I can keep you always at a distance. (looks at him through large end.) I make you look quite small and still quite clear. Bran. Ah! Ah ! I am so far and yet so near ! (Prods him. Fight. The Lieutenant falls; Brandon^ about to run him through when Harry Hall yard rushes in, stands over Lieut. Manley’s body. Brandon turns sud- denly round and takes a run,—-jumps out of the porthole.) Lieut. Harry. Lieut. Harry. Lieut. Harry. Lieut. Harry. Lieut. Harry. You’ve saved my life—though contrary to orders ; The Admiralty shall be your re warders, {cross to r.) Bless your dear eyes, I’d do the selfsame job For you or any other ugly swab. You shall be made an Admiral. My eye. I’ll leave you all my money when I die. You’re very kind. If I might make so bold, Do you intend, Sir, to be very old ? We come of an old family. I’ve five Cheerful great-grandfathers. Alive! Alive! My wealth is yours when I’m laid on the shelf, I haven’t yet come into it myself; But now I’ll go on shore and ask, for you, Your Admiral’s commission of the blue. Be gentle! virtuous ! schooled as parlour boarders, And don’t get acting contrary to orders. {exit Lieut. Manley r. h.) (alone) What, I an Admiral! My dear eyes! belay! Cocked hat and sword! My ! what’ll Mary say ? She’ll cry with joy! and then my Partner Joe— I wonder what they’re doing—I don’t know— I long to be on shore—embracin’! kissin’ her.28 POLL AND PARTNER JOE. jEnter Bosen and First Mate, r.h., Sailors, etc. with Watchful Waxend. Sis hair has grown quite long ; his clothes are raggedy and he is in chains. Harry. Avast, my lads ! Bosen. Avast! we’ve got a pris’ner! Chained up we found him. Wax. (in nasal tone) Yes, but not for crime, For seven years tied up—a tidy time. Harry. Untidy time you mean, you don’t look neat. Wax. Heat, who said “neat”—I take it “neat” and sweet. (they remove his chains.) Harry. Fetch him some grog, my lad, from the caboose. Wax. Let me once more get tight now I am loose. Harry. Who are you P Wax. By this time a mere nonentity; I’ve somehow lost all clue to my identity; Imprisonment and torture help to craze one ; Locked up six years, it is enough to daze one. Bosen. He’s like the 4 Dead Heart ’—.Robert Landry. Harry. True, Landry could take some washing. It seems too I’ve seen him somewhere in familiar scenery,— Could we but snip and brush him by machinery. 1st M. We’ve knives. Wax. Oh, mercy ! Harry,. Cut his hair. Wax. Oh! spare. Harry. How lads, you hair a cutting. Bosen. J a, mine hair. (During this they have surrounded him, con- cealing him from audience. Bus.) . Harry. How, when it’s done, I feel I shall diskiver Where we have met. ’Twas on my native river— My river—yes. I’ll know if ’twas the docks When all those cutters have gone through the lochs. (Sailors show Waxend with his hair wildly cut; Harry starts; Waxend starts. Gradual recognition.) Wax. My head is clear—I’m not Professor Hairy ; Who am IP (rousing himself.) Harry. (hitting him) Battersea ! Sam Sculler ! Mary! Wax. Ha, to my native shores those words me back send. Harry. My name is—POLL AND PARTNER JOE. 29 Yes, of course. You’re Watchful Waxend. Wax. You’re Harry Hallyard ! Ah ! How d’ye do F And, ah ! I have a letter here for you ; When Brandon bore me from my home I met her, And in my neckerchief I laid this letter. (Waxend produces an absurd letter. Blue paper, black scrawl, and sealed up at the corners) I fastened up with cobbler’s wax the cracks, It’s black and blue, with such a lot of wax. You see, I’ve brought it as it is directed. (Harry weeps.) I never saw a sailor so affected. Harry. Her hand! Wax. I thought you’d know it when you see’d it. Harry. Bless her dear “ i’s ” ! I ain’t no scholar. (Gives it to Waxend.) Bead it. Wax. (reads.) “Hear Harry,”— Harry. Messmates, this is Cupid’s lingo. Wax. (reading.) a I hope you’re tr—true,” Harry. I am, by jingo! Wax. (reading.) “ Joe’s very kind, he like a brother treats me, And always kisses me whene’er he meets me.” Harry. He treats her like a sister,—not a brother. Wax. (reading.) “And I, dear Harry, kiss him for his mother.” “Write often, darling, when you are afloat,’’ “ Or, if you cannot write, dear, send a note,” “ Or else a P.O. Order. If you do,” “ Mind you say who it’s from and who it’s to.” “ Excuse these blots.” Harry, (affected) Her tears. Wax. That ain’t the reasm.” She says, (reads) “Joe’s sitting by and keeps on squeezin ’.” Harry. Poor Joe! Wax. (reading) “ I know he is your partner,” Harry. True G-ood Joe ! Wax. (reads) “ And in your absence acts for you. J oe’s mother sends her love. She’s well considerin’ What a bad state such weather puts the widder in. Harry, your absence on my heart does weigh so, , If you are killed, why don’t you write and say so P” Harry. That would make everything so snug and pleasant. Wax. “ Hoping this finds you, as it leaves at present, Yours ever, Mary.” And a “ P.S.” ends it.30 POLL AND PARTNER JOE. Harry. What is “ P.S.” ? I s’pose it’s Polly $ends it. Wax. “I haven’t used no stops,”—this, too, comes from her, “ And so enclose ten colons and a comma, Also two semicolons; can’t spare more, Put ’em in where you like. O reservoir.” Harry. Excuse these drops ! (wipes his eyes.) The lot I think I see, Joe’s Ma a-stoopin’ down to make the tea. flowin’ up Joe perhaps, the best of fellows, Or blowing up the fire with the bellows. Mary with thoughts a-wandering, looking flustered, Her eyes a-watering for me ! Wax. Or mustard. Harry. Forgive once more these tears. Sail, (sobbing.) We do. Wax. They do. Posen, (weeping?) If you will let us join you we’ll cry too. (All burst into tears.) Enter Lieut. Manley r., Harry c., Waxend l. Lieut. This must be against orders. (Consults booh.) Hem unless, It is a case of vessel in distress. You’re men-of-warsmen and not waiters. Stay, , I’ve got promotion and I bring your pay. My Lords, for your courageous exhibition, Present you (to Harry) with an Admiral’s commis- sion. All. Hooray! Harry. Brave hearts ! for grog, fun, dancing, fiddling, Kissing the girls,—the pretty, plain or middling. Haul out the boats. For shore, Oh! don’t delay me! I fly to Mary. Boat ahoy ! don’t stay me. Lieut. It’s contrary to— Harry, (imperiously.) I’m Admiral. Obey me ! Song and Chorus. Air, ‘ Down among the Coals? I’m an Admiral, and so I shall Do just whatever I please ; I’ll get afloat and take a boat, And go across the seas. You’ll be my crew and row me to My Polly, my beautiful gal, . j And my Polly, she, will welcome me, A gallant Admiral!POLL AND PARTNER JOE. 31 Such an Admiral! What an Admiral! Sailing gaily in my barque Everybody will remark, Oh ! that AdmiraZ! My ! that AdmimZ! Ain’t he going home to see his Ma-ry ! All. Such an AdmiraZ! What an AdmimZ! etc.. Wax. Oh, my Admiral, with you I’ll strut Through town, the pier, and docks, I’ll never forget that you’ve had cut My lovely auburn locks. I used to brush them every day With very particular care. How no lard, pomade, bear’s-grease, nor police, Can repress my auburn hair. Oh, my auburn hair ! Oh, my auburn hair! All the boys will cry out “ Lawk ! Ain’t be used a knife and fork !” At my head of hair, If the people stare, I must go and live down in a Hairy ? Chorus, {jeering) Oh, that head of hair ! etc. (exeunt Omnes.) SCENE IV.—The Ho.rd, Battersea. Same as Scene I., only everything bran-new. Inn fainted, decorated, and turned into a Hotel, with a sign representing “ Joe Tiller ” before it. Sculler s Cottage changed into a Villa, Music mysterious. Enter Snatchem: and Brandon mysteriously, L. 3 E. with a newspaper. Bran. Is the coast clear ? Snatch. It is—I’m oh my guard. Bran. Step very gently. Soft. We’re on the Hard. How do you like my plan P Snatch. ’Tis very clever, And calculated two fond hearts to sever. Bran. You flatter me. Snatch. Oh, no. Bran. D’ye mean that P Saying “ you flatter me ” have tobd a lie ;32 POLL AND PARTNER JOE. If so, I am insulted, and you’ll let Me add, an insult ne’er do I forget. Snatch. Pardon. Bran. The paper that I made you edit. Snatch. There ’tis. (shows neivsyaper.) Bran. What will she do when she has read it ? Snatch. u Shipping Beturns.” I’ve marked the place in black. Bran. Shipping returns ; but Harry won’t come back. By this time ; but for Harry Hallyard she Would have been mine—my own—my Missis B. ! Snatch. But wasn’t there some time ago—before You went away—a wife. Bran. One—hem ! Ho more. Snatch. Didn’t you ? Bran. Ho ! I didn’t. Snatch. But I thought— Bran, You shouldn’t think. Snatch, (aside) He isn’t sweet but short. Bran. [When Mary’s free I’ll just hold up my finger, Jingle my purse ; my banking-book I’ll bring her ; I’ll put my arm about her form ; she’ll snigger And murmur, “Yes, Sir,” that's about my figure. Snatch. She comes. Bran. Ha! ha! Love’s flame ! I suffer torcher. (Snatchem imitates. He turns upon him savagely.) Insulted! and I never— [exit Snatchem.) Ha! I’ll wartch her. (Miosic. Exit Brandon stealthily. Enter Mary gaily, with Ben Bowse, the Waterman, r. 2 E.) Bowse r. It looks uncommon neat and pretty, don’t it P (winks at her.) Be very charming in the summer, won’t it ? (same bus.) Boses and honeysuckles, too ! I never! Joe painted all of it. Oh, ain’t he clever! (nudges her.) Why, one would think that Joe was going to be Spliced, (winks and nudges her.) Mary, (aside) This young man is one too much for me. Bowse, (as1 before) I say, who’s he in love with? Who’s he spoons on ? Didn’t he have that sign there pain ted for her P Ain’t it the “ Jovial Joseph ” P And to-morrer “ Waterman’s Arms” will underneath be writtenPOLL AND PARTNER JOE. 33 Mary. Mary. Mary. Dame. Mary. Dame. SCUL. Dame. Scul. Dame. SCUL. Dame. For her to come to. Winky ! Ain’t he smitten ! Oh, she’s a nicey-nicey, not a fasty one. If yon go on like this you’ll get a nasty one. Yon are a very pleasant youth, no donbt; Bnt I’ve had qnite enongh of yon. Get ont. (He attempts to kiss her; she boxes his ears. Exit Bowse r. 4.) Imperence ! Jnst like all the fellows, gawks ! Staring whene’er abroad I takes my walks. Where is this Harry ? Oh (impatiently), oh, where is some of him ! Six years! One doesn’t know what has become of him. Some say he’s crossed the Line; well, that may be, He’s never crossed a single line to me. He wanders everywhere as snits his whim. Sinbad the sailor was a fool to him. Sinbad, indeed! that Harry, how’s he’s bin bad, To leave his bride! Ah, he sins worse than Sin- bad l I dreamt last night (they told me that I snored) That Harry came with Admiral’s hat and swprd, And everything that money could afford, And stood upon the roof, all pale and weird; Peered from the dizzy height, then dizzy-peared. Enter from house R. H. Dame Tiller, supported by Sculler. Mary continues, without noticing them. Methinks I see him now ! Hey! where, my dear P “ In my mind’s eye, Horatio,” Shakumspeare. You gave me qnite a turn. My heart I Oh, oh! You “ came out for a turn ” and got a blow. (taking up umbrella threateningly) Sam ! Ma’am. When weak old men come out so strong, Age won’t be their protection very long, So go and hoe. Ho, ho! Don’t be a flat. Don’t eat no more young gooseberries,—mind that. (Sculler retires up feebly.) He hoes the garden in some old goloshes. I wash his hose ; he hoes for what I washes,34 POLL AND PARTNER JOE. Mary. Dame. Mary. Dame. Mary. Dame. Mary. Mary. Dame. Mary. SCUL. Dame. Mary. Dame. Mary. Dame. Mary. Dame. Mary. Dame. Mary. Joe. And so he lives for nothing ; them’s hard words.. He’s useful as a scarecrow for the birds. (.During this Mary has sat herself doivn by table, and commenced reading the payer) Well, what’s the news? Is anybody found To go and leave me twenty thousand pound ? (;reading) Ah ! “ Do you beat your carpets P” No, I don’t. As long as it’s done for me, too, I won’t. The “ foreign stocks ” are high. O’ course that follers, ’Cos foreign gents wear stocks without the collars. “ Grey shirtings dull.” Want washing. Not enticing. “Dice” is reported “looking up;” that’s “rice- ing.” (Brandon appears at bach, listening. Sculler down) Hemp (Brandon starts. Chord) That’s a twister for a wicked mind. (Brandon disappears) Sugar is low. Dow ; it was so refined. Sculler, you ain’t attending to your working. (starting) No, it can’t be ! (tfrightened) What means this sudden jerking ? Can I believe my eyes ? Weil, I suppose You’d trust your ayes if you can trust your nose. Harry is gone! My Plarry’s come to grief. Well, in a certainty there’s some relief. He’s gone ! He sent no letters ; not a hint. . “ Proof before letters,” mother, see the print! Poor Harry! what to do now I don’t know. (Brandon appears ; is coming down) Why there’s his partner ! Marry my son Joe. (Brandon starts.) I wish in that, of which you gave the pith, I could find something similar of Smith. (Brandon retires and exit) . I’d soon meet some one who would take his place. {hesitating) But Joe, he’d say. Enter Joe (r. 2 E., and down c.). A great deal in this case.POLL AND PARTNER JOE. 35 Dame. Bless him. Joe. I’ll tell you all now I’ve begun it, What I have done, for you alone I’ve done it. Why did I paint Sam Sculler’s cottage blue P Because you live in it—it was for you. Why did I train chrysanthemums and creepers ? Why did I pay the early chimney sweepers P I worked at it myself till nigh to faint, And spoilt five waistcoats with two coats of paint. Joe. D’ye like it ? Mary. Quaint! I’ve never seen a quainter— But there—you are a tiller, not a painter. Joe. Why, but for you, did I the place repair, And make a villa of the cottage there ? IN ay, do not weep ; to dwell there, for Joe Tiller, Looks for a smiling, not a weeping willa. Dame. And if you had put green, or black, a dash of it, ’Stead of a wilier, you’d ha’ made a ’ash of it. Joe. And ain’t I turned the inn to a hotel? And ain’t it doing most uncommon well ? Don’t crowds eat whitebait here with satisfaction? And ain’t that bait a wonderful attraction. My whitebait business is—the truth I’m stating— A bait increasing, not one bit abating. I’ve stocked the cellars with champagne and tillery, And spirits, from Joe Tiller’s new dls-tiller-j. There, take your Willa, bid me go or stay, Yours is the Willers will that I obey. Mary. Oh, if I thought you meant it! Joe. Don’t you know it. Mary. Joseph—only know that you’re a poet. Joe. Silk hat in hand, I wait your answer plain. Mary. Joseph! Sillc hat! You have afer-tile brain. You’ve conquered. Joe. Bapture. Dame. I could dance a fling. Joe. Mamma, I beg you will do no such thing. I’ll fetch my watermen, to church they’ll go ; ’Twill be a pull to have them in a row. Dame. Have the police out, do the thing as swells. Mary. Ho ! Let our peelers be the marriage bells. Joseph ! I’ll dress at once, and put my veil on. Dame. And so will I! Oh, Smith ! Joe. {to Sculler) We’ll crowd all sail on.36 POLL AND PARTNER JOE. We’ll the registrar, the parson, clerk, The licence and the ring. Oh ! here’s a lark! Song. Air, 4 Elle est bonne' If a body meet a body. In the way. Then i ^ j must say. Ijovl ) J {you j cannot stay> For a body with a body Weds to-day, And I’m off to buy the ring! For the ring You will money pay ere noon. Pay the money, money, money, money, money. With the ring W ill begin the honeymoon. Oh, the honey, honey, honey, honey. Pay the money, money, money, For the honey, honey, honey, honey, etc. Yes ; the money, money, money, money, money, i must pay. (you J Down to-day, And then away. {Etc. repeats.) All dance, and off separately. {Music. Waxend bachs on at bach, pulling a rope, and finally towing in a small punt, in which is seated Harry, in full Admiral's costume, with most particularly large epaulettes.) Harry. Once more upon my native heath! Macgregor Is not my name. But I’m a lucky beggar, To think that I return, ennobled, wealthy, And also constitutionally healthy ; And I may add, ’tis seldom that one sets One’s eyes on such a pair of epaulettes. Mary, how I anticipate embracing, Although my coat is new, and tightish lacing. Yet, when I think, dear girl, upon her charms,POLL AND PARTNER JOE. 37 Wax. Harry. Mary. Harry. Mary. Harry. Harry. Mary. Harry. Mary. Harry. Mary. Harry. Mary. Harry. Harry. Mary. It cuts me, too, a bit beneath the arms. Tailors may bind a coat—but there’s no tailor Can bind the emotions of a British sailor! She’s there ! with grief she quiet as a mouse is ! Sculler was once “ done up,” and now his house is. Eetire (to Waxend), in ten minutes by the clock Beturn with Partner Joe. (exit Waxend, l. h.) Now I will knock. One, two, at last—how frightened I shall make her ! (within) Not to-day, baker. Takes me for the baker. I would not cause her—not one petty fang : I’ll knock again—and ring. (He conceals his face behind his hat, like Claude Melnotte.) (coming out in full bridal dress) Eh, did you rang P That hat—are you the Beadle P Beadle J Bah! Pm Harry Hallyard ! Begardez la! (Ready for peal of bells. She screams and faints in his arms. Tableau.) Wake up, my pretty one. (hysterically) My dream comes true! , That Admiral’s dress—those epaulettes—’tis you! This epaulette—that epaulette—oh, it— (faints off again.) She’s going to have an epaulettic fit. (shrinkinq from him) Don’t touch me, Harry, don’t. My Pol, belay! Don’t stop—you can’t—I mustn’t—go away ! What, go away, when the whole world I’ve rounded To come to you! I’m dash’d—blowed—done—con- founded ! (peal of wedding bells.) What mean those bells? (looking off) those post-' boys ! and that carriage! You see it all! I know you do! Your marriage! (marrowbones and cleavers heard,) The marrowbones and cleavers head the show! (he continues wildly, as Bowse, Sculler, Abi- gail, etc. all enter with wedding favours and flowers; then Joe as bridegroom.) Let me get at him! (struggling with him) Harry ! Don’t!88 POLL AND PAETNEE JOE. (Harry frees himself from her grasp, raises cocked-hat, which she has put over his eyes, and confronts Joe, c.) How (sees him), Joe !! Harry!!! (Tableau.) Harry, (with suppressed fury) Was this the way you showed, you cur, Your love for me? Ho, it’s my love for her* False ! false! It isn’t! What I said is true, You don’t suppose I want to marry you. Pardon both him and me ! Aye, don’t be hard on ’er (imploring). Here the firm ends, I cannot be your partner Fight. (at once) There’s my card—and mine ! And here the lists. Police ! (runs up, c.) (Bowse seconds Joe, Waxend Harry.) Your weapons P Pistols, swords, or fists ! Hum ! we’ll begin with swords. (They fight, both sink exhausted.) (attends to Joe) They both have swoonded. (,Sailors on each side attend to Joe and Harry, leaving stage clear c., where Mary stands sup- ported by Snatchem.) Support me! ah! (falls on Snatchem, as Brandon glides down c.) My turn while both are wounded! Off to the pirate ship, and there I’ll marry her, G-o ! (stamps his foot to Snatchem) d’ye hear P Snatch, (struggling under his burden) I hear, but I can’t carry her,— Mary, (suddenly) Help! help ! Joe & Harry, (struggling up) For Mary ! Bran. Ha ! take this, you two ! (presents pistols, and both miss fire.) They wont go off, but— (about to seize and carry off Mary.) Enter Dame T. and knocks him down with her umbrella. Dame. Ho, no more will you. Harry. All. Joe. Harry. Joe. Mary. Joe. Harry. Both. Harry. Mary. Harry. Joe. Harry. Arig. Mary. Brand.POLL AND PARTNER JOE. 89 {In falling, Brandon’s black wig and whiskers fall off, and discover him as a very mild, sheepish, light-haired man, cropped close. Dame starts.) Dame. That face ! that crop ! that colour ! not a myth My second ! John G-eorge Jeremiah Smith ! My cash-box ! here, policeman ! Bran. {with entire change of manner, and afraid of Snatchem, who blusters, rubbing his head) Isabella 1 You have been rather hard upon a feller, First I’ll explain here and remove all doubt, {gives the newspaper to Harry, which he has got from Mary.) Snatch. I don’t forget your insults. Dame. You get out, Dare to insult my husband, when I tuck him Under my wing. Here, take him out and duck him. (Waterman and sailors hustle Snatchem at back ; enter down c. Lieutenant Manley.) . Manly. Well, is it settled P Harry. Aye ! Avast, my hearties ! We’re once again the friendliest of partners, {to Joe) You’ll marry Abigail. Joe. You’ll wed my Folly, The Tillers and the Hallyards, ain’t it jolly? Mary. As we’re an admiral and his wife, my dear, Hallyards and Tillers must keep clear, We’ll ask ’em in to tea when no one’s there, But mind, we can’t be as we used to were. Harry. All right, my lass ; belay; the wedding fun Must now continue as it was begun. Joe pardons me and so I pardon him, Poll pardons both, so all are in the swim. Take partners for the dance, shake heel and toe; Three cheers, my lads, for Poll! Poll. And partner Joe. Finale.—Air, ‘ A British Ship? Poll. We’ve done the tale of Poll and Joe. Chorus. Pull away, boys, in the morning. Bran. I never forget an insult, no ! Joe. And I am a poet, as you know. Harry. I’m an admiral dressed out in bright epaulettes. Dame. For four pence I’d wash ’em or pop ’em. Poll. How let’s have a dance at the wedding, oh, let’s So let ’em begin and don’t stop ’em40 POLL AND PARTNER JOE. Chorus. So dance with Harry and Poll and Joe, Dance away, boys, till the morning; Away we go with a heel and a toe, Dance, Harry, Poll, and partner Joe. (Dance, and Curtain.) PRINTED BY TAYLOR AND CO., LITTLE QUEEN STREET, LINCOLN’S INN FIELDS.TINSLEY'S MAGAZINE, An Illustrated Monthly, price One Shillings CONTAINS: Joshua Marvel. A New Serial Story. By B. Leopold Farjeon, Author of “ Grrif,” &c. The Monarch of Mincing Lane. A New Serial Novel. By William Black, Author of e‘ In Silk Attire,” &c. Lady Judith. By Justin McCarthy. &c. &c. &c. The first Seven Volumes of Tinsley’s Magazine are now complete, price 8s. each. Cases for Binding may he had of the Publishers, or through any Bookseller, 1-5.6d. each. NOTICE. CHEAP EDITION OP MRS. HENRY WOOD'S NOVELS. Now ready, uniformly bound in cloth, each complete in One Yolume, price Six Shillings, THE RED-COURT FARM. ANNE HEREFORD. 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