™"™''" ililiilH mmm mm. ! ! II 1 II! i ! I 1 Pi .:: 1 i!" I ■ iiiiiii^'^ If 8 ?! iili' MT'tJfcr ii 4 THE DOCTOR'S RECREATION SERIES CHARLES WELLS MOULTON General Editor VOLUME ONE M»^ii«MHMIK* The example set by the lecturer was speedily followed by his hearers, and when he had recovered his breath, after a protracted deglutition, Mr. Muff went on again. « You will find depreciation of brother practition- ers of immense service, but this must be carefully done, to avoid ever being found out. When you are shown their prescriptions, shake your head, and order something else; which take care to make of a different colour and taste. In the great world, the term making one's fortune, implies ruining somebody else's; and as we all attain eminence by clambering over one another's shoulders, do all you can to push down those above you for stepping- stones. An illustration of this theory may be seen in the Chinese collection at Hyde-Park-Corner, only it is half-a-crown to go in. Wait until it comes to a shilling, and then imbibe the philosophy there 1 6 THE DOCTOR'S LEISURE HOUR taught. There is a picture of a duck-boat, and we are told that the ducks are called in every night in an incredibly short space of time, hustling over one another like the pittites of a theatre on grand nights. This race for superiority is rendered thus animating, because the last bird who goes in is al- ways beaten by the owner. My beloved bricks, recollect that the world is a large poultry-boat, and be careful, even to cracking your fibres and heart- strings with exertion, never to be the last duck! Should this happen, the beating will probably maim you, and you will never be able to recover your lost position. . . . " Having given you some wholesome advice upon various portions of the studies you have come up here to pursue, or which your friends think you have — being all the same thing, provided they have furnished you with the money — I will now offer a few remarks upon your education, and I am sure you will feel wonderfully better after them. * Private lessons in practical chemistry you will find very advantageous, if they only enable you to watch the evaporation of nothing from watch-glasses on hot sand, or discover arsenic in stomachs where it is not. I had a course of private instruction my- self; when it was finished, I could blow a glass jug almost as well as the man at the Adelaide Gallery, and poison a sparrow with chlorine gas in a manner marvellous to behold. All this must be learned to enable you to pass; but when that tri- umph is achieved, burn your notes, sell your books, and buy a grave morning-gown; and a brass door- plate; furnish your surgery at the expense of five pounds, and have put up a night-bell that can be heard all over the street ; get some convivial friend, whose habits lead him to be about at unreasonable hours, to give it occasionally a good pull. If they sold potted assurance as they do shrimps and bloat- ers, you would do well to lay in a good stock: but THE STUDENT 17 as it is an article usually manufactured at home, take a few lessons in getting it up, from the lead- ing members of your profession, and become great, even among the Tritons. But even then do not relax in your endeavours to insure a good practice; but recollect, it is far more difficult to keep a posi- tion than to attain one. * Whether you dissect or not, always tell your friends in the country that you do ; and then, when the tin runs short, you can often draw upon them for the price of an extremity, varying it as occasion may require. You will not find that minute knowl- edge of anatomy which you are expected to acquire of any use to you. Great accidents in London, al- ways go to the hospitals; and in the country, are always sent up to London. "Above all, never get off your beer. The archives of Apothecaries' Hall do not present one instance of a man being rejected who stood a pot of half- and-half when he was asked. And, in commencing life, do not be discouraged; for starting a practice is very like kindling a fire in a Dr. Arnott's stove — the chief difficulty is to begin. And, with all the assurance I wish you to possess, do not be too anxious to be thought brilliant. Dulness and wealth, poverty and genius, are each to each synonymous. No man ever yet rode in his carriage who wrote a poem for his livlihood ; and we may estimate talents of intellect in an inverse ratio to talents of gold; namely, that whichever way you take them, as one predominates, the other sinks. «In conclusion, I beg to drink all your good healths, and the perpetual indisposition of your patients — if ever you get any.* Medical Student — They don't bleed people now- adays as they did forty years ago, do they, pro- fessor? Professor — Not with the lancet. D.L.H. — 2 aS THE DOCTOR'S LEISURE HOUR THE ARTICULATION ENARTHROSis, bone to bone, Femur, acetabulum ; Ginglymus, the hinge I see Forwards, backwards swings the knee. Arthrodia, near the end. Glide along the foot and hand; Synchondrosis, we allege, Calls for costal cartilage; Syndesmosis — ligament. Binding bone to bone is meant. Syssarcosis — lower jaw. Flesh from ribs to scapula. Suture, a stitch withal. Coronal, lambdoid, sagittal, Harmonia — Tipperary Rhymes with supramaxillary. Schindylesis — plowing done — Vomer in the sphenoid bone. Gomphosis sets all things right. Tooth in socket pretty tight. — Dr. James L. Little. QUESTIONS FOR MEDICAL STUDENTS Not to be found in their note-books. TlAj^HAT is the difference between the course of ^\^ the femoral artery and the second course of a civic dinner? Is the triceps muscle a lineal descendant of Cha- ron's watch-dog? Which is the more puzzling to Welsh students, the labyrinth of the ear, or the Cretan labyrinth of Daedalus? What is the area of the vestibule of the laby- rinth? and is it paved with Roman tile or common brick? THE STUDENT 19 Is the fenestra ovalis, or oval window, of the labyrinth framed and glazed, or is it not? Judging from its construction, is it possible to break your neck by falling down the ^* Scala Ves- tibuli,'^ or staircase of the vestibule? What is the relation of the aquaeductus vestibuli to the semicircular canals? Who are the directors of the latter? Price of shares in ditto? What sized craft can they float? Were they formed on the plan of the Styx? How do they stand affected with regard to railroads? And what will be the effect upon them of Mr. Henson's Flying Machine? Are the sacs in the vestibule empty coal-sacks left there by the canal bargemen? Or are they, as Breschet says, merely dust bags, containing otoconite or sweepings of the labyrinth? Whether would it be more repugnant to your in- clinations, to forego the pleasures of porter for a week, or in your examination at the college to be captured on the great unipedal saltation (/. e. caught on the grand hop) by a trap question in anatomy? THE MEDICAL STUDENT'S VALENTINE SON of the scalpel! from whatever class You grind instruction just enough to pass St. George's, Guy's, North London, or King's College — Thirsting alike for half-and-half and knowledge — Thou who must know so well (all jibes apart). The true internal structure of the heart — This heart — which you ^< a hollow muscle ** call, I offer thee — aorta, valves, and all. Though to cheap hats and boots thy funds incline, And light rough Chesterfields at one pound nine; Though on the virtues of all plants thou'rt dumb Save the Nicotiana Tabacum {Pentandria Digynia ! — Lindley — mum) ! Though thou eschewest the hospital's dull gloom, Except to chat in the house-surgeon's room, THE DOCTOR'S LEISURE HOUR And practically practise, in addition, The « Physiology of Deglutition. » Yet much I love thee, and devoutly swear. With lips that move controll'd by «the fifth pair,» That I will ner'er know peace until our hands Shall form a « ganglion » with Hymen's bands. Then haste, my love, and let me call thee mine, Precious and dear as sulphate of quinine, Sparkling and bright as antimonial wine. Sharp as the angles of a new trephine. My reckless, noisy, fearnought Valentine! FOR YE STUDENT MEM The Student's Alphabet ^H, A was an artery, filled with injection; And B was a brick, never caught at dissection. C were some chemicals, lithium and borax; D played the deuce with the bones of the thorax. CHORUS {Taken in short-hand with minute accuracy.^ Fol de rol lol, Fol de rol lay, Fol de rol, tol de rol, tol de rol, lay. E was an embryo in a glass case; And F a foramen that pierced the skull's base, G was a grinder, who sharpen'd the tools; And H means the half-and-half drunk at the schools. Fol de rol lol, etc. I was some iodine, made of sea- weed; J was a jolly cock, not used to read. K was some kreosote, much over-rated; And L was the lies which about it were stated. Fol de rol lol, etc. THE STUDENT 21 M was a muscle, cold, flabby, and red; And N was a nerve, like a bit of white thread. O was some opium, a fool chose to take; And P were the pins used to keep him awake. Fol de rol lol, etc. Q was the quacks, who cure stammer and squint. R was raw from a burn, and wrapped close in lint. S was a scalpel, to eat bread and cheese ; And T was a tourniquet, vessels to squeeze. Fol de rol lol, etc, U was the unciform bone of the wrist. V was the vein which a blunt lancet missed. W was wax from a syringe that flowed; X, the 'xaminers, who may be blowed! Fol de rol lol, etc. Y stands for you all, with best wishes sincere; And Z for the zanies who never touch beer. So we've got to the end, not forgetting a letter; And those who don't like it may grind up a better. — London Medical Student. COLLEGE OF AUTO DOCTORS {^Formerly the Chicago Veterinary College') Spring Announcement, i960 THE spring quarter, i960, of the College of Auto Doctors of Chicago will open March 3. Stu- dents desiring to enter at this time must register during the two days preceding. Special attention is directed to the following features: — Credit will be allowed for work done in manual training schools, machine shops, and electric plants. The fee for entrance does not cover medical at- tendance incidental to the Gasoline Department. Students in the Gasoline Department must make 22 THE DOCTOR'S LEISURE HOUR a deposit, to protect the college against loss should they leave without notice. The course in Monkey- Wrenches has been ex- tended to take in the full year. A series of lectures on **The Use and Abuse of Profanity as Applied to Autos* commences with this quarter. The Chair of Balkiness: Electro-, Aero-, and Gaso-, has been enlarged, to meet the increased interest. Among the topics for discussion during the year are: Care of the Tire; Consumption in Gas Autos; Braking a Fractious Auto; Insanity in the Auto; Its Symptoms and Remedy; Hot Boxes and Other Fevers; Cracking of the Dashboard, etc. Ten hours a week of Practical Anatomy and seven of Dissection are required of every student. Students are expected to be able to name readily, and accurately place each of the 1,609 parts of an ordinary Auto. The junk shops of the city are open for inspec- tion by our students. Much valuable information is to be gained by frequently visiting them. The college has made arrangements with the park police whereby a plentiful supply of material for clinics is constantly being turned over to it. — Edwin L. Sabin. HUMOROUS INDEED *This bone,** said the professor of anatomy, *is the humerus. Now, then, designate its proper lo- cation in the human body." **It's located in the elbow,* said the first scholar, * and is more commonly known as the funny bone. * * Oh, that my father was seized with a remittent fever ! * sighed a young spendthrift at college. THE STUDENT 23 A SKILLFUL PHYSICIAN Dr. Pulser — Yes, sir, I have literally snatched men from the grave! Stokes — Is that so; when? Dr. Pulser — When I was a medical student, sir! * Will you please tell me, doctor, what really practical good is accomplished by vivisection?'* " Yes, ma'am. It cures us of being squeamish at the sight of blood." Student — "Doctor, being on the point of leaving college, I come to express my warmest thanks for the pains you have taken with me. All I know I owe you.'* Doctor — " Pray, sir, do not mention such trifles." Lea (sadly) — I don't know what to do with that boy of mine. He's been two years at the medical college, and still keeps at the foot of his class. Perrins (promptly) — Make a chiropodist of him. Governor of the Prison — What is the cause of this unseemly delay ? Jailer — That expert headsman you engaged from the medical school is sterilizing the ax. A CANDIDATE for medical honors, while subjected to a severe examination, was asked : *^ How would you sweat a patient for the rheumatism ? " He re- plied: "I would send him here to be examined." THE PROFESSOR Medicine is to be praised when it is in the hands of a physician that is learned, grave, wise, stayed and of experi- ence. — Sir Antonie of Guevara, « Familiar Epistles." A DOCTOR'S CENTURY Read at the Centennial of the College of Physicians of Philadelphia, 1887. Doctor's century dead and gone! Good-night to those one hundred years, To all the memories they bear Of honest help for pains or tears; To them that like St. Christopher, When North and South were sad with graves. Bore the true Christ of charity Across the battles' crimson waves Good-night to all that shining line, Our peerage, — yes, our lords of thought; Their blazonry unspotted lives Which all the ways of honor taught. A gentler word, as proud a thought. For those who won no larger prize Than humble days well lived can win From thankful hearts and weeping eyes. Too grave my song; a lighter mood Shall bid us scan our honored roll. For jolly jesters gay and good. Who healed the flesh and charmed the soul, (24) THE PROFESSOR 2$ And took their punch, and took the jokes Would make our prudish conscience tingle, Then bore their devious lanterns home, And slept, or heard the night-bell jingle. Our Century 's dead; God rest his soul! Without a doctor or a nurse, Without a ** post,*^ without a dose, He's oflE on Time's old rattling hearse. What sad disorder laid him out To all pathologists is dim; An intercurrent malady, — Bacterium chronos finished him! Our new-born century, pert and proud, Like some young doctor fresh from college, Disturbs our prudent age with doubts And misty might of foggy knowledge. Ah, but to come again and share The gains his calmer days shall store, For them that in a hundred years Shall see our "science grown to more,'^ Perchance as ghosts consultant we May stand beside some fleshy fellow. And marvel what on earth he means, When this new century 's old and mellow. Take then the thought that wisdom fades. That knowledge dies of newer truth, That only duty simply done Walks always with the step of youth. A grander morning floods our skies With higher aims and larger light; Give welcome to the century new. And to the past a glad good-night! — Dr. S. Weir Mitchell. 26 THE DOCTOR'S LEISURE HOUR REMINISCENCES OF DR. HOLMES As Professor of Anatomy ^HO is that young man who said bonef^'* asked Dr. Holmes of a student at the close of one of his recitations in anatomy in the autumn of 1864. Having received the answer, he went to the young man, whom he found Imgering in the hall, spoke to him by name, reminded him of how well he had known his father, and made him welcome to the school. Little did that beginner then dream that he was to succeed the distinguished man whose greeting filled him with pleasure. The interest in so trifling a matter as a student's pronunciation, and the kindness which led him to act on the information he received, were distinctly character- istic of Dr. Holmes. In fact, however, pronuncia- tion was to him hardly trifling. A false accent, an awkward turn of phrase jarred on his delicate organization. In his rhymed lesson he had writ- ten: — « Learning condemns beyond the reach of hope The careless lips that speak of soap for soap; Her edict exiles from her fair abode, The clownish voice that utters road for road.* ® What are you doing ? " he once asked another student in the dissecting-room. ** Ligating arteries, sir.* *Why not say tie?* asked Dr. Holmes, "I find that country practitioners ligate arteries, and that surgeons tie them. * The best of this anecdote is that the unappreciative student spread it as a joke against Dr. Holmes. His quick observation of details was one of his most evident traits, joined to the activity of mind which led him to follow up the clues. It is told that he once asked a passing student what relation he was to a certain physician long dead. The student denied all knowledge of him, but Dr. Holmes begged him to ask his father, THE PROFESSOR 2f as the similarity of the shape of the head was so striking that he thought there must be some re- lationship, which in fact proved to be the case. To return to my own recollections of Dr. Holmes : In my student life, from the time that he spoke to me in the hall he always paid me special attention, which increased as my fondness for anatomy de- veloped. His kindness continued without interrup- tion until the end of his life. During that autumn I frequently recited to Dr. Holmes, and saw the great patience and interest with which he demon- strated the more difficult parts of the skeleton. In November began the dreary season of perpetual lectures, from morning till night, to large classes of more or less turbulent students. The lectures began usually at nine, sometimes at eight, and con- tinued without interruption until two, old students and new for the most part attending all of them. The lecture on anatomy came at one o'clock five days in the week. I lack power to express the weariness, the disgust, and sometimes the exasper- ation, with which, after four or five hours of lect- ures, bad air, and rapid note-taking had brought their crop of headaches and bad temper, we resigned ourselves to another hour. No one but Dr. Holmes could have been endured under the circumstances. For the proper understanding, not merely of anecdotes, but of causes which had their influence on Dr. Holmes's scientific life, I must say a word or two of the plan of the old building in North Grove Street. Above the basement, a long, straight, steep flight of stairs led from the first to the second story, down which, according to Dr. Holmes, the late Dr. John K. Mitchell predicted the class would some day precipitate itself like a certain herd of swine. Directly in front of these stairs was a small room, the demonstrator's, where the dissec- tions for Dr. Holmes's lectures were made. Oppo- site to it was a similar room, called the professors' 28 THE DOCTOR'S LEISURE HOUR room, in which they sat for a few minutes before and after lectures — little used, however, except by the late professor J. B. S. Jackson, the eminent curator of the museum. The remainder of this floor was occupied on one side by the museum and on the other by the amphitheatre. A passage ran along either side of the amphi- theatre from which a space under the seats could be entered. It should be evident from this de- scription that there was no place which any pro- fessor could call his own and where he could study in peace. As Dr. Holmes has since told me, he probably would have done more original work if he had had better accommodations. In later years this want became so urgent that he boarded up for himself a little room under the seats where he kept his plates and his microscopes. It was a poor thing, but his own, and he valued it as such. In his parting address he said : *^ I have never been proud of the apartment beneath the seats in which my preparations for lectures were made ; but I chose it because I could have it to myself, and I resign it with the wish that it were more worthy of regret, into the hands of my successor, with my parting benediction. Within its twilight precincts I have often prayed for light like Ajax, for the daylight found a scanty entrance and the gaslight never illuminated its dark recesses. May it prove to him who comes after me like the cave of Sibyl, out of the gloomy depths of which came the oracles which shone with the rise of truth and wisdom.** In 1887 he wrote me: " If I were a score or two years younger than I am, I might be tempted to envy you, remembering my quarters at the old col- lege, and being reminded of your comfortable and convenient arrangements in the new building. But I do not envy you — I congratulate you, and I only hope that I did not keep you waiting too long for the place. , . .** THE PROFESSOR 29 The amphitheatre, the seats of which were at a steep pitch, was entered by the students from above, through two doors, one on each side, each of which was approached by a steep stairway between nar- row walls. The doors were not usually opened until some minutes after the hour. The space at the top of these stairs was a scene of crowding, pushing, scuffling, and shouting indescribable, till at last a spring shot back both bolts at once, and from each door a living avalanche poured down the steep alleys with an irresistible rush that made the looker-on hold his breath. How it happened that during many years no one was killed, or even seriously injured, is incomprehensible. The excite- ment of the fray having subsided, order reigned until the entrance of the professor, which was fre- quently the signal for applause. He came in with a grave countenance. His shoulders were thrown back and his face bent down. No one realized bet- ter than he that he had no easy task before him. He had to teach a branch repulsive to some, diffi- cult, for all; and he had to teach it to a jaded class which was unfit to be taught anything. The wood- en seats were hard, the backs straight, and the air bad. The effect of the last was alluded to by Dr. Holmes in his address at the opening of the new school in 1883. * So, when the class I was lecturing to was sit- ting in an atmosphere once breathed already, after I had seen head after head gently declining, and one pair of eyes after another emptying themselves of intelligence, I have said, inaudibly, with the con- siderate self-restraint of Musidora's rural lover, * Sleep on, dear youth ; this does not mean that you are indolent, or that I am dull; it is the partial coma of commencing asphyxia, * ^' To make head against these odds he did his ut- most to adopt a sprightly manner, and let no 30 THE DOCTOR'S LEISURE HOUR opportunity for a jest escape him. These would be received with quiet appreciation by the lower benches, and with uproarious demonstrations from the * mountain,'^ where, as in the French Assembly of the Revolution, the noisest spirits congregated. He gave his imagination full play in comparisons often charming and always quaint. None but Holmes could have compared the microscopical coiled tube of a sweatgland to a fairy's intestine. Medical readers will appreciate the aptness of liken- ing the mesentery to the shirt ruffles of a preceding generation, which from a short line of attachment expanded into yards of complicated folds. He has compared the fibres connecting the two symmetri- cal halves of the brain to the band uniting the Siamese twins. His lectures frequently contained aids to memory which seemed perhaps childish to the more advanced. I can almost hear him say, speaking of the acromion process of the shoulder- blade, **^Now,' says the student, *how shall I re- member that hard word? * Let him think of the Acropolis, the highest building in Athens, and re- member that the acromion is the highest point of the shoulder.** All who have seen it will remember his demon- stration of how the base of the skull, its weakest part, may be broken by a fall on the top of the head. He had a strong iron bar bent into a circle of some six inches in diameter, with a gap left between the ends just large enough to be filled by a walnut. The ring was then dropped to the floor so as to strike on the convexity just opposite to the walnut, which invariably was broken to pieces. . . . In spite of the attention bestowed on dissection, I do not think that he much fancied dissecting himself, though our museum still has some few specimens of his preparation. Once he asked me which part of anatomy I liked best, and QU my THE PROFESSOR $t saying ^*the bones,** he replied: ^*so do I; it is the cleanest. ** Still he usually gave the class the time- honored joke that bones are dry. Like all sensible men, he recognized the neces- sity of vivisection. He has called it "a mode of acquiring knowledge justifiable in its proper use, odious beyond measure in its abuse," but I am sure that in his heart he hated it bitterly. But if in physiology he eschewed vivisection, believing, per- haps, with Hyrtl, < THE YOUNG DOCTOR Or catches some doctor quite tender and young And basely insists on a bit of his tongue. — Oliver Wendell Holmes THE BASE INGRATITUDE OF BARKIS, M. D. 'he time has arrived when it is possibly proper that I should make a note of the base ingratitude of Barkis, M. D. I have hesitated to do this hitherto for several reasons, any one of which would prove a valid excuse for my not doing so. To begin with, I have known Barkis ever since he was a baby. I have tossed him in the air, to his own delight and to the consternation of his mother, who feared lest I should fail to catch him on his way down, or that I should underestimate the distance between the top of his head and the ceiling on his way up. Later I have held him on my knee and told him stories of an elevating nature — mostly of my own composition — and have afterward put these down upon paper and sold them to syndicates at great profit. So that, in a sense, I am beholden to Barkis for some measure of my prosperity. Then, when Barkis grew older, I taught him the most approved methods of burning his fingers on the Fourth of July, and when he went to college I am convinced that he gained material aid from me in that I loaned him my college scrap-books, which contained, among other things, a large number of examination papers which I marvel greatly to-day (38) THE YOUNG DOCTOR 39 that I was ever able successfully to pass, and which gave to him some hint as to the ordeal he was about to go through. In his younger professional days, also, I have been Barkis's friend, and have called him up, to minister to a pain I never had, at four o'clock in the morning, simply because I had reason to believe that he needed four or five dollars to carry him through the ensuing hours of the day. Quotation books have told us that in love, as well as in war, all is fair, and if this be true Barkis's ingratitude, the narration of which cannot give pain, becomes, after all, nothing more than a venial offense. I do not place much reliance upon the ethics of quotation books generally, but when I remember my own young days, and the things I did to discredit the other fellow in that little affair which has brought so much happiness into my life, I am inclined to nail my flag to the masthead in defense of the principle that lovers can do no wrong. It is no ordinary stake that a lover plays for, and if he stacks the cards, and in other ways turns his back upon the guiding principles of his life, blame- worthy as he may be, I shall not blame him, but shall incline rather toward applause. On the other hand, something is due to the young ladies in the case, and as much for their sake as for any other reason have I set upon paper this narrative of the man's ingratitude, simply tell- ing the story and drawing no conclusions what- ever. Barkis was not endowed with much in the way of worldly possessions. His father had died when the lad was very young, and had left the boy and his mother to struggle on alone. But there was that in both of them which enabled the mother to feel that the boy was worth struggling for, and the boy at a very early age to realize the difficulties 4© THE DOCTOR'S LEISURE HOUR of the struggle, and to like the difficulties because they afforded him an opportunity to help his mother either in not giving her further trouble or in bring- ing to her efforts aid of a very positive kind. Boys of this kind — and in saying this I cast no reflections whatsoever upon that edifying race of living creatures whom I admire and respect more than any other — are so rare that it did not take the neighbors of the Barkis family many days to discover that the little chap was worth watching, and if need be caring for in a way which should prove substantial. There are so many ways, too, in which one may help a boy without impairing his self-reliance that on the whole it was not very difficult to assist Barkis. So when one of his neigh- bors employed him in his office at a salary of eight dollars a week, when other boys received only four for similar service, the lad, instead of feeling him- self favored, assumed an obligation and made him- self worth five times as much as the other boys, so that really his employer, and not he, belonged to the debtor class. Some said it was a pity that little Barkis wasted his talents in a real estate office, but they were the people who didn't know him. He expended his nervous energy in the real estate office, but his mind he managed to keep free for the night school, and when it came to the ultimate it was found that little Barkis had wasted nothing. He entered col- lege when several other boys — who had not served in a real estate office, who had received diplomas from the high school, and who had played while he had studied — failed. That his college days were a trial to his mother every one knew. She wished him to keep his end up, and he did — and without spending all that his mother sent him, either. The great trouble was that at the end of his college course it was under- THE YOUNG DOCTOR 41 stood that Barkis intended studying medicine. When that crept out the neighbors sighed. They deprecated the resolve among themselves, but ap- plauded the boy's intention to his face. " Good for you, Jack ! *^ said one. ** You are just the man for a doctor, and I'll give you all my business. '^ This man, of course, was a humorist. Another said : ^< Jack, you are perfectly right. Real estate and coal are not for you. Go in for medicine; when my leg is cut off you shall do the cutting. '^ To avoid details, however, some of which would make a story in themselves, Jack Barkis went through college, studied medicine, received his diploma as a full-fledged M. D., and settled down at Phillipsburg for practice. And practice did not come! And income was not. It was plainly visible to the community that Barkis was hard up, as the saying is, and daily growing rhore so. To make matters worse, it was now im- possible to help him as the boy had been helped. He was no longer a child, but a man; and the pleasing little subterfuges, which we had employed to induce the boy to think he was making his way on his own sturdy little legs, with the man were out of the question. His clothing grew thread- bare, and there were stories of insufficient nourish- ment. As time went on the outward and visible signs of his poverty increased, yet no one could devise any plan to help him. And then came a solution, and inasmuch as it was brought about by the S. F. M. E., an associa- tion of a dozen charming young women in the city forming the Society for Mutual Encouragement, or Enjoyment, or Endorsement, or something else beginning with E — I never could ascertain defi- nitely what the E stood for — it would seem as if 42 THE DOCTOR'S LEISURE HOUR the young ladies should have received greater con- sideration than they did when prosperity knocked at the Doctor's door. It seems that the Doctor attended a dance one evening in a dress coat, the quality and lack of quantity of which was a flagrant indication of a sparce, not to say extremely needy, wardrobe. All his charm of manner, his grace in the dance, his popularity, could not blind others to the fact that he was ill-dressed, and the girls decided that some- thing must be done, and at once. << We might give a lawn fete for his benefit, ** one of them suggested. " He isn't a church or a Sunday-school, ** Miss Daisy Peters retorted. ^* Besides, I know Jack Barkis well enough to know that he would never accept charity from any one. We've got to help him professionally.* *' We might boycott all the fellows at dances, ** suggested Miss Wilbur, " unless they will patronize the Doctor. Decline to dance with them unless they present a certificate from Jack proving that they are his patients." « Humph ! » said Miss Peters. « That wouldn't do any good. They are all healthy, and even if they did go to Jack for a prescription the chances are they wouldn't pay him. They haven't much more money than he has." <* I am afraid that is true," assented Miss Wil- bur. « Indeed, if they have any at all, I can't say that they have given much sign of it this winter. The Bachelors' Cotillon fell through for lack of in- terest, they said, but I have my doubts on that score. It's my private opinion they weren't willing or able to pay for it." <* Well, I'm sure I don't know what we can do to help Jack. If he had our combined pocket-money he'd still be poor," sighed Miss Peters. THE YOUNG DOCTOR 43 « He couldn't be induced to take it unless he earned it, » said little Betsy Barbett. « You all know that." « Hurrah ! » cried Miss Peters, clapping her hands ecstatically ; « I have it ! I have it ! I have it ! We'll put him in the way of earning it.** And they all put their heads together and the following was the result: The next day Jack Barkis's telephone rang more often in an hour than it had ever done before, and every ring meant a call. The first call was from Miss Daisy Peters, and he responded. * I'm so sorry to send for you — er — Doctor," she said — she had always called him Jack before, but now he had come professionally — << for — for — Rover, but the poor dog is awfully sick to-day, and Doctor Pruyn was out of town. Do you mind?** « Certainly not, [Daisy,** he replied, a shade of disappointment on his face. I am inclined to be- lieve he had hoped to find old Mr. Peters at death's door. « If the dog is sick I can help him. What are his symptoms ? ** And Miss Peters went on to say that her cherished Rover, she thought, had malaria. He was tired and lazy, when usually he rivaled the cow that jumped over the moon for activity. She neglected to say that she had with her own fair hands given the poor beast a dose of sulfonal the night before — not enough to hurt him, but suffi- cient to make him appear tired and sleepy. *^ I must see my patient, ** said the Doctor cheer- fully. « Will he come if I whistle ? ** Miss Peters was disinclined to accede to this demand. She was beginning to grow fearful that Jack would see through her little subterfuge, and that the efforts of the S. F. M. E. would prove fruitless. 44 THE DOCTOR'S LEISURE HOUR ^^ Patient — "I feel as if I had been dead a week." Doctor — « Hot — Eh ? » THE DIAGNOSIS 69 « Doctor, what is the cause of this rush of blood to my head ? " « Effort of nature, Madam. It abhors a vacuum. » Haverly — « They say old Soak has water on the brain. *^ Austen — "^^ Then he must have a hole on the top of his head.^* << Was he hurt near the vertebrae ? * " No, near the observatory. >> THE DISEASE Indigestion has contributed more spots to the sun than any other cause. " Ram's Horn.» BALLADE OF INCURABLE MALADY [An article in tlae Lancet asking, «What is it to grow old?» declares that it is « arterio-sclerosis causing involu- tion of the central neuron."] ^HE maidens pass me — and I sigh To see my poor attractions wane ; Boys that I know scarce two feet high Look down upon me with disdain ; And soured in temper, cross of grain, I ask the doctors' diagnosis; Thus they my malady explain — It is arterio-sclerosis. When stiffening joint and hazy eye From sport compel me to refrain, Of prowess in the days gone by While still inordinately vain; When sneering friends I entertain With talk that daily more verbose is — This is your work in limb and brain, Alas ! arterio-sclerosis. I seek (but vainly!) far and nigh, Cui;e for my ailment to obtain; Myself each pleasure I deny. From every dainty I abstain — Do all the doctors may ordain. Try plasters, lotions, pills and doses. From which all ills relief can gain — Except arterio-sclerosis. (60) THE DISEASE 6l ENJOYED HIS CHILLS ■ov/N in certain sections of the Mississippi River bottoms there is such an air of unconcern that the first thought of a traveller is: ^^ These people are too lazy to enter- tain a hope.'^ It is, however, not wholly a condi- tion of laziness that produces such an appearance of indolence. Laziness may play its part, and, moreover, may play it well, but it cannot hope to assume the leading role. What, then, is the prin- cipal actor ? Chills. There are men in those bot- toms who were born with a chill and who have never shaken it off. Some time ago, while riding through the Mus- cadine neighborhood, I came upon a man sitting on a log near the roadside. He was sallow and lean, with sharp knob cheek bones, and with hair like soiled cotton. The day was intensely hot, but he sat in the sun, although near him a tangled grapevine cast a most inviting shade. *^ Good morning,'^ said I, reining up. « Hi. » " You live here, I suppose.'* « Jest about. » ** Why don't you sit over there in the shade ? *' " Will when the time comes. ^' " What do you mean by *when the time comes ?' " ** When the fever comes on. '^ *' Having chills, are you ? " « Sorter. » ** How long have you had them ? * ^* Forty-odd year.'* " How old are you ? '* '^ Forty-odd year.** ** Been shaking all your life, eh ? ** ^* Only half my life ; fever on the other half. ** ^* Why don't you move away from here ? ** 62 THE DOCTOR'S LEISURE HOUR ** Becaze I've lived here so long that I'm afeerd I might not have good health nowhar else.** *^ Gracious alive, do you mean to say that hav- ing chills all the time is good health ? ** ^< Wall, health mout be wuss. Old Nat Sarver moved up in the hills some time ago, was tuck down putty soon with some new sort of disease and didn't live more'n a week. Don't b'lieve in swap- pin' off suthin' that I'm used to fur suthin' I don't know nothin' about. Old-fashioned, every-day chills air good enough for me. Some folks, when they git a little up in the world, mout want to put on airs with dyspepsia and bronkichus, and glanders and catarrh, but, as I 'lowed to my wife, old chills and fever war high enough fur us yit awhile. A chill may have drawbacks, but it has its enjoy- ments, too.** ^* I don't see how a chill can be enjoyable.** ^* Jest owin' to how you air raised. When I have a chill it does me a power of good to stretch, and I tell you that a fust-rate stretch when a feller is in the humor ain't to be sneered at. High-o- hoo!** He gaped, threw out his legs, threw back his arms and stretched himself across the log. ^^ It's sorter like the itch,** he went on. "The itch has its drawbacks, but what a power of good it does a man to scratch. Wall, my fever is comin* on now, and I reckon I'll hurry and git up thar under the shade.** He moved into the shade and stretched himself again. " How long will your fever last ? ** I asked. " Wall, I don't know exackly : three hours mebby. ** « Then what ? ** " Wall, I'll funter around awhile, chop up a lit- tle wood to get a bite to eat with, swap a boss with some feller, mebby, and then fix myself for another chill.** ** Have you much of a family ? ** THE DISEASE 63 ** Wife and grown son. He's about the ablest chiller in the country; w'y when he's got a rale good chill on, he can take hold of a tree and shake off green persimmons. Wall, have you got to go ? '^ « Yes. » * Good-by, then. When you git tired livin' up thar among them new-fangled diseases, come down here whar everything is old-fashioned, comfortable, and honest.^* . — Opie Read. A WILLING INVALID THERE are ailments rare and diseases new That please the fancy of fickle man; That only come to the favored few By some selective, exclusive plan. Yet among them all, as I live and move, I aver with pride that I only sigh For those two things that I crave and love — The coupon thumb and the ticker eye. The ticker eye is a thing apart. To me alone may it never come Without an escort! 'T would break my heart! It's only good with the coupon thumb. But when combined, they're a goodly pair; This ailment mixed I would gladly try. I'd suffer and groan and learn to bear The coupon thumb and the ticker eye. Appendicitis is getting trite; The halting measures of gout I scorn; The *^ lover's arm *> is a modern blight, And the "husband neck^^ is a thing forlorn. For me neurosis is too morose. I can spare all these, but before I die I long for a generous, lifelong dose Of the coupon thumb and the ticker eye. — Tom Massofu 64 THE DOCTOR'S LEISURE HOUR NO REFLECTIONS ON HIS STOMACH /i^APTAiN Reid, of the United States transport ^Cr:/ "Sherman'* has been running between San Francisco and> Manila with troops for over a year. He has had some funny experiences, and in a letter to his father, in Pittsburg, lately, told the following story of an Irish recruit who was going over to join the 4th Cavalry. The big trooper had got outside the Farallones on her voyage west, when she began to feel the heave of the Pacific. Of course, most of the soldiers became seasick, and the majority of them were hanging over the rail in various stages of dejection. The Irish recruit held out as long as possible, but he soon felt a few premonitory qualms and began paying tribute to Neptune, like the others. The captain in charge of the craft was passing along the deck, putting a kind word here and a sentence of encouragement there. He came to **Mike,** and, stopping beside him, said: " You're pretty bad, my lad. '* " Oi am, ** said the soldier, trying to stand at attention and salute his superior, " an' Oi suppose th' docthor can't do annythin' fur 'me ? '* * I'm afraid not. Poor fellow, you have a weak stomach. '* The Irishman bristled up at this in indignation. **Oi don't know about thot,'* he gasped. " Oi notice Oi'm throwin' as far as anny av th' rest av thim. » AN EXAMPLE *^ Electricity in the atmosphere affects your system,*' said the scientific physician. "Yes,** said the patient, who had paid $10 for two visits, * I agree with you there are times when one feels overcharged.*' THE DISEASE 65 CONTAGIOUS DT WAS on a crowded suburban car out of Wash- ington, one day last summer, that a middle- aged woman, carrying a fretful baby, was forced to squeeze herself into a small space left vacant beside a dapper youth of possibly twenty years. His countenance had all the expression of his im- maculate white suit, except for a look of disgust which he assumed as the baby, in its restlessness, would touch him with foot or hand. Finally he turned toward the woman, and inquired, in a tone quite audible to those near him. *Ah, beg pawdon, madam, but has this child any- thing — ah — contagious ? '* The nurse was a motherly-looking woman. Glancing compassionately at him through her gold- rimmed spectacles, she remarked, meditatively. ^^ Well, now, I don't know, young man ; but — ah — it might be to you. She's teething ! ^^ GRIP /i^OLD that makes you rear and rip; v:=5' Quinine with a fiery nip; Boiling drinks to sip and sip ; Lemonade and higli-spiced flip, Back that aches from neck to hip; Swollen nose and puffy lip ; Head that seems to go ca-zipp ! Pulse that shows a lively clip ; Strength that swift away doth slip; Feet that stumble, stub, and trip, Knees that toward each other dip; Gait that rolls as if on ship; Tongue that's furry to the tip; Still more quinine, 'nother nip — It's the grip! D.L.H.— 5 66 THE DOCTOR'S LEISURE HOUR THE GOUT WHEN Munden at his house sometime ago, Warned a large party from his gouty toe, A heartless fopling drawled a long <' Dear me ! I can't imagine what the gout can be.* « Then, boy ! * said Joe, with pain-distorted phiz <^ I'll give you some idea what it is : — Suppose your foot fast in a blacksmith's vice, Then turn the screw, perhaps just once or twice, Till you the height of agony procure. That human nature's able to endure, — The pain of rheumatism, you thus find out: — Give it another turn, and that's the gout.» HE WAS CAREFUL GOOD many years ago I, with many others, was waiting in a certain postoffice for the mail to be distributed. One of the group spoke of the dreadful disease of smallpox in a certain family in Newport. *^ How do you know, John, that those people have it?" ^^Oh, I get letters from them; awful disease. * ^* But do you know, John, that there is danger in getting letters from such sources? There is danger of contagion; you should be very careful. * ** Gad, man, I take good care of that ; I never answer any of them.* LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON Madame Paine. — "Don't you think Miss Grace is a very bright little lady?* Dr. Paine (dryly). — "Yes; often too bright. I sometimes wonder if her humor does not amount to a disease.* M. D.y Jr. (eight years old) — "Perhaps she has Bright's disease, papa.* THE DISEASE 67 HIS VERSION iY HECK, Maw!* ejaculated Lab Juckett, a youthful and gap-mouthed young agricul- turalist, upon his return from an afternoon's visit to the county seat; ^^ thar's a smallpox scare in town ! * * Land o' Goodness ! * exclaimed his mother. ** Are they plumb-shore it's smallpox, Labby? * " Wa-al, some swears it's smallpox, an' others says it hain't nothin' but celluloid; but, anyhow, they're goin' to canteen the whole town right away i» IT'S OFTEN FATAL Full many a man, both young and old, Is sent to his sarcophagus, By pouring water icy cold, Adown his warm cesophagus. A BAD CASE First Boy — * Say, is your uncle bad ? * Second Ditto— "^^ Bad ? Awful bad! The doctor says he's got shoebuckles on his lungs ! * There was a crowd on the street-comer below a sky-scraper in course of erection. A painter had let his pot of green paint fall, and the emerald liquid now streaked the sidewalk gorgeously. About this a crowd of idlers had gathered. A new- comer, trying to push his way to the unseen mag- net of attention, met a man equally eager to get out, and accosted him: << What's it all about? * << Nothing much," said the other; <