^^:>a The Jest Book 2wSq I'sivERSiTV Press : Welch, Bigelow, & Co. Tllli I EST BoOI V THE CHOICEST ANECDOTES AND SAVINGS SE [. ECTED AND ARKANGED BY MARK LP:M0N ( A M l; R Hx; E S E \' !•: R A N n V R A N C I S I S f , ;; \'6VMv'1b PREFACE. THE Compiler of this new Jest Book is desirous to make known that it is composed mainly of old jokes, — some older than Joe Miller himself, — with a liberal sprinkling of new jests gathered from books and hearsay. In the course of his researches he has been surprised to find how many Jests, Impromptus, and Repartees have passed current, century after century, until their original utterer is lost in the " mist of ages " ; a Good Joke being transferred from one reputed Wit to another, thus re- sembling certain rare Wines which are continually being rebottled but are never consumed. Dr. Darwin and Sir Charles Lyell, when they have satisfied themselves as to the Origin of Species and the Antiquity of Man, could not better employ their speculative minds than in determining the origin and antiquity of the venerable "joes" which have been in circulation beyond the remembrance of that mythical personage, "the Oldest Inhabitant." A true Briton loves a good joke, and regards it like "a thing of beauty," "a joy forever," therefore we may opine that Vorick's " flashes of merriment, which were wont to set the table in a roar," when Mamlet was king in Denmark, were transported hither by our Danish in- vaders, and descended to Wamba, Will Somers, Killi- vi Preface. grew, and other accredited jesters, until Mr. Joseph Miller reiterated many of them over his pipe and tankard, when seated with his delighted auditory at the Black Jack in Clare Market. Modern Research has been busy with honest Joe's fame, decreeing the collection of his jests to Captain Motley, who wrote short-lived plays in the time of the First and Second Georges ; but the same false Medium has affected to discover that Dick Whittington did not come to Lon- don City at the tail of a road wagon, neither was he be- ladled by a cross cook, and driven forth to Highgate, when Bow Bells invited him to return and make venture of his Cat, marry Fitzalwyn's daughter, and be thrice Lord Mayor of London, albeit it is written in City chroni- cles, that Whittington's statue and the effigy of his gold- compelling Grimalkin long stood over the door of New Gate prison-house. We would not have destroyed the faith of the Rising Generation and those who are to suc- ceed it in that Golden Legend, to have been thought as wise as the Ptolemies, or to have been made president of all the Dryasdusts in Europe. No. Let us not part with our old belief in honest Joe Miller, but trust rather to Mr. Morley, the historian of Bartlemy Fair, and visit the Great Theatrical Booth over against the Hospital gate of St. Bartholomew, where Joe, probably, is to dance " the English Maggot dance," and after the appearance of " two Harlequins, conclude with a Grand Dance and Chorus, accompanied with Kettledrums and Trumpets." And when the Fair is over, and we are no longer invited to " walk up," let us march in the train of the gieat Mime, until he takes his ease in his inn, — the Black Jack afore- said, — and laugh at his jibes and flashes of merriment, before the Mad Wag shall be silenced by the great kill- Preface. vii joy, Death, and the jester's boon companions shall lay him in the graveyard in Portugal Fields, placing over him a friendly record of his social virtues. Joe Miller was a fact, and Modem Research shall not rob us of that conviction ! The compiler of this volume has felt the importance of his task, and diligently sought how to distinguish true wit from false, — the pure gold from Brummagem brass. He has carefully perused the Eight learned chapters on "Thoughts on Jesting,"' by Frederick Meier, Professor of Philosophy at Halle, and Member of the Royal Acad- emy of Berlin," wherein it is declared that a jest "is an extreme fine Thought, the result of a great Wit and Acu- men, which are eminent Perfections of the Soul." .... " Hypocrites, with the appearance but without the reality of virtue, condemn from the teeth outwardly the Laughter and Jesting which they sincerely approve in their hearts ; and many sincere virtuous Persons also account them criminal, either from Temperament, Melancholy, or erro- neous Principles of Morality. As the Censure of such Persons gives me pain, so their Approbation would give me great pleasure. But as long as they consider the suggestions of their Temperament, deep Melancholy, and erroneous Principles as so many Dictates of real Virtue, so long they must not take it amiss if, while I revere their Virtue, I despise their Judgment." Nor has he disregarded Mr. Locke, who asserts that " Wit lies in an assemblage of ideas, and putting them together with quickness and vivacity, whenever can be found any resemblance and congruity whereby to make up pleasant pictures and agreeable visions of fancy." Neither has Mr. Addison been overlooked, who limits his definition by observing that " an assemblage of Ideas viii Preface. productive merely of pleasure does not constitute Wit, but of those only which to delight add surprise." Nor has he forgotten Mr. Pope, who declares Wit " to consist in a quick conception of Thought and an easy Delivery " ; nor the many other definitions by Inferior hands, "too numerous to mention." The result of an anxious consideration of these various Opinions, was a conviction that to define Wit was like the attempt to define Beauty, " which," said the Philoso- pher, " was the question of a Blind man " ; and despair- ing, therefore, of finding a Standard of value, the Com- piler of the following pages has gathered from every available source the Odd sayings of all Times, carefully eschewing, however, the Coarse and the Irreverent, so that of the Seventeen Hundred Jests here collected, not one need be excluded from Family utterance. Of course, every one will miss some pet Jest from this Collection, and, as a consequence, dieclare it to be miserably incom- plete. The Compiler mentions this probability to show that he has not been among the Critics for nothing. " The gravest beast is an ass ; the gravest bird is an owl ; The gravest fish is an oyster ; and the gravest mati is a fool!'' says honest Joe Miller ; and with that Apophthegm the Compiler doffs his Cap and Bells, and leaves you. Gen- tle Reader, in the Merry Company he has brought together. M. L. THE JEST BOOK I. — THE RISING SON. Pope dining once with Frederic, Prince of Wales, paid the prince many compliments. '" I wonder. Pope," said tiie prince, " that you, who are so severe on kings, should be so complaisant to me." — " It is," said the wily bard, " because I like the lion before his claws are grown." II. — SOMETHING FOR DR. DARWIN. Sir Watktn Williams Wynne talking to a friend about the antiquity of his family, which he carried up to Noah, was tuld tliat he was a mere mushroom of yester- day. "How so, pray?" said the baronet. "Why," continued the other, " when I was in Wales, a pedigree of a particular family was shown to me : it filled five large skins of •])archment, and near the middle of it was a note in the margin : '■About this tune the world was created.'" 7 J) IIL — A BAD EXAMPLE. A CERTAIN noble lord being in his early years much addicted to dissipation, his mother advised him to take example by a gentleman, whose food was herbs and his drink water. "What ! madam," said he, "would you have me to imitate a man who eats like a beast, and drinks like a fish ? " IV. — A CONFIRMED INVALID. A POOR woman, who had attended several confirma- I 2 The Jest Book. tions, was at length recognized by the bishop. "Pray, have I not seen yoa here before ? " said his lordship. " Yes," replied the woman, "I get me conform'd as often as I can ; they tell me it is good for the rheumatis. " V. — COMPARISON'S ARE ODIOUS. Lord Chancellor Hardwick's bailiff, having been ordered by his lady to procure a sow of a particular de- scription, came one day into the dining-room when full of company, proclaiming with a burst of joy he could not suppress, " I have been at Royston fair, my lady, and I have got a sow exactly of your ladyship's size^ VL — AN INSCRIPTION ON INSCRIPTIONS. The following lines were written on seeing a farrago of rhymes that had been scribbled with a diamond on the window of an inn : — " Ye who on windows thus prolong your shames, And to such arrant nonsense sign your names. The diamond quit — with me the pencil take, So shall I'w/r shame but short duration make ; For lo, the housemaid comes, in dreadful pet. With red right hand, and with a dishclout wet, Dashes out all, nor leaves a wreck to tell Who 't was that wrote so ill ! — and lored so well 1 " Vn. — NO HARM DONE. A MAN of sagacity, being informed of a serious quarrel between two of his female relations, asked the persons if in their quarrels either had called the other ugly ? On receiving an answer in the negative, "O, then, I shall soon make up the quarrel." Vin. — BEARDING A BARBER. A Highlander, who sold brooms, went into a barber's shop in Glasgow to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, after having shaved him, asked the price of it. "Tippence," said the Highlander. "No, no," says the .shaver ; " I'll give you a penny, and if that The Jest Book. 3 does not satisfy you.'take your broom again." Tlie Higli- lander took it, and a-;ked what he had to pay. "A pen- ny," says Strap. "I'll gie ye a baubee," says Duncan, "and if that dinna satisfy ye, /// on my Ijeard again." IX. — CH.A..N(;iNr, HIS COAT. A \VEAi:THy merchant of Fenchurch Street, lamenting to a confidential friend that liis daughter had eloped witli one of his footmen, concluded, liy saying, " Vet I wish to forgive the girl, and receive her husband, as it is now too late to part them. But then his condition ; how can I introduce him?" — "Nonsense," replied his compan- ion ; ' ' introduce him as a Liverymati of the city of Loiu/oii. IVhat is more honorable ? " X. — GOOD ADVICE. L.\DY spoke to the butler to be saving of an excel- lent cask of small beer, and asked him how it might be best preserved. "I know no method so effectual, my lady," replied the butler, "as placing a barrel of good ?i.\q by it." XI. — NEW RELATIONSHIP. A STRANc.ER to law courts hearing a judge call a ser- geant "brother," expressed his surprise. "Oh," said one present, " they are brothers — brothers-in-lazo.'''' XII. — A SMALL INHERITANCE. It was the habit of Lord Eklon, when Attorney-Gen- eral, to close his sjeecheswith some remarks justifying his own character. At the trial of Ilorne Tooke, speaking of his own re]nitation, he said : "It is the little inherit- ance I have to leave my children, and, by Cnxl's hel]:), I will leave it unimpaired." Here he shed tears; and, to the astonishment of those pre'^ent, Mitford, the Solicitor- General, began to weep. "Just look at Mitford," said a by-stander to Home Tooke ; "what on earth is he cn-ing for?" Tooke replied, "He is cri'ing to think what a JW(7// inheritance Eldon's children are likelv to get."' The Jest Book. XIII. — A DIFFERENCE. Jerrold one day met a Scotch gentleman, whose name was Leitch, and who explained that he was not the popu- lar caricaturist, John Leech. " I'm aware of that ; you're the Scotchman with the i-t-c-h in your name," said Jerrold. XIV. — THE LIGHT SUBJECT. The government, having threatened to proceed rigor- ously against those who refused to pay the assessed taxes, offered to them a remission of one fourth. "This at least," said a sufferer, "may be called, giving them some qtiarte)-.'''' XV. — COMPLIMENTARY. Lord North, who was very corpulent before a severe sickness, said to his physician after it, " Sir, I am obliged to you for introducing me to some old acquaintances." — " Who are they, my lord ? " — "^/)' ribs.,'''' replied his lord- ship, "which I have not felt for many years until now." XVI. — A FAIR SUBSTITUTE. When Lord Sandwich was to present Admiral Camp- bell, he told him, that probaljly the king would knight him. The admiral did not much relish the honor. "Well, but," said Lord S., "perhaps Mrs. Campbell will like it." — "Then let the king ktiight her," answered the rough seaman. XVIL — A CONSTITUTIONAL PUN. Daniel Purcell, the famous punster, was desired to make a pun extempore. "Upon what subject?" said Daniel. "The king," answered the other. "O, sir." said he, "the hitig is no sit/'Jcct.'''' XVIII. — A CONVERT. A NOTORIOUS miser having heard a very eloquent charity sermon, exclaimed, "This sermon strongly proves the necessity of alms. I have almost a mind to turn beggar." The Jest Book. XIX. — INCREDIBLE. .Sheridan made his appearance one clay in a pair of new boots ; these attracting the notice of some of his friends, "Now giiess," said he, "how I came by these boots ? " M a ny/rf^Az/^/t' guesses then took place. " \o ! " said Shcritlan, "no, you've not hit it, nor ever will, — I bought them, and paid for them ! " XX. — ALL THE DIFFERENCE. In a large party, one evening, the conversation turned upon young men's allowance at college. Tom Sheridan lamented the ill-judging jiarsimony of many parents in that respect. "I am sure, Tom," said his father, "you need not complain ; I always allowed you eight hundred a year." — "Yes, father, 1 must confess you allozoed \i ; but then it was never paid." XXI. — SPIRITU.VL AND SPIRITUOUS. Dr. Pitcairn had one Sunday stumbled into a Pres- byterian church, probably to beguile a few iiile moments (for few will accuse that gentleman of having been a warm admirer of Calvinism), and seeing the jiarson ap- parently overwhelmed by the importance of his sub- ject : "What makes the man ^;rrf.<' " said Pitcaim to a fellow that stood near him. " By my faith, sir," an- swered the other, "you would perhaps greet, too, if you were in his place, and had as little to say.^' — "Come along with me, friend, and let 's have a glass together ; you are too good a fellow to be here," said Pitcaim, de- lighted with the man's repartee. XXn. — A WONDERFUL WOMAN. When a late Duchess of Bedford was last at Buxton, and then in her eighty-fifth year, it was the medical farce of the day for the faculty to resolve every complaint of whim and caprice into "a shock of the nervous system." Her grace, after inquiring of many of her friends in the rooms what brought them there, and being generally an- swered for a nervous complaint, was asked in her turn, 6 The Jest Book. "What brought her to Buxton?" — "I came only for pleasure," answered the healthy duchess; "for, thank God, I was born before nerves came into fasliion." XXIII. — A WISE SON WHO KNEW HIS OWN FATHER. Sheridan was very desirous that his son Tom should many a young woman of large fortune, but knew that Miss Callander had won his son's heart. Sheridan, expa- tiating on the folly of his son, at length exclaimed, "Tom, if you marry Caroline Callander, I'll cut you off with a shilling ! " Tom could not resist the opportunity of replying, and looking archly at his father saicl, " Then, sir, you must borrozv it." Sheridan was tickled at the wit, and dropped the subject. XXIV. — A written character. George III. having purchased a horse, the dealer put into his hands a large sheet of paper, completely written over. "What's this?" said his majesty. "The pedi- gree of the horse, sire, which you have just bought," was the answer. "Take it back, take it back," said the king, laughing ; "it will do veiy well for the next horse yon sell. " XXV. — well matched. Dr. Busby, whose figin-e was beneath the common size, was one day accosted in a public coffee-room by an Irish baronet of colossal stature, with, " May I pass to my seat, O Giant ? " When the doctor, politely making way, replied, "Pass, O Pigmy!" — " O, sir," said the bar- onet, "my expression alluded to the she of your intel- lect.'''' — "And my expression, sir," said the doctor, "to the size of yonrs." XXVL — A PARDONABLE MISTAKE. A butcher of some eminence was lately in company with several ladies at a game of whist, where, having lost two or three rubbers, one of the ladies addressing him, asked, "Pray, sir, what are the stakes now?" To which, ever mindful of his occupation, he immediately replied, " Madam, the best rump I cannot sell lower than tenpence halfpenny rt/(wW." 'J 'he Jest Book. 7 XXVII. — THREE CAUSES. Thrke gentlemen being in a coffee-house, one called for a dram, because he was hot. " Bring me another," says his companion, " /vr(7«.ff/t ^jzw my garden- wall, — my cucumbers are veiy backward. " CXXVIII. — OUTWARD APPEARANCE. Man is a sort of tree which we are too apt to judge of by the bark. CXXIX. — THE TWO SMITHS. A GENTLEMAN, with the same Christian and surname, took lodgings in the same house with James Smith. The consequence was, eternal confusion of calls and letters. Indeed, the postman had no alternative but to share the letters equally between the two. " This is intolerable, sir," said our friend, "and you must quit." — "Why am I to quit more than you ? " — " Because you are James the Second — and must abdicate." CXXX. — SAGE ADVICE. The advice given by an Irishman to his English friend, on introducing him to a regular Tipperaiy row, was, " Wherever you see a head, hit it." CXXXL — THE PURSER. Lady Hardwicke, the lady of the Chancellor, loved money as well as he did, and what he got she saved. The purse in which the Great Seal is carried is of veiy expen- sive embroidery, and was provided, during his time, eveiy year. Lady Hardwicke took care that it should not be provided for the seal-bearer's profit, for she annually The Jest Book. 29 retained them herself, having previously ordered that the velvet should be of the length of one of the state rooms at Wimpole. So many of ihem were saved, that at length she had enough to liang tlie state-room, and make curtains for the bed. Lord llardwicke useil to say, "There was not such a. purser in the navy." CXXXII. — A FOREIGN ACCENT. WllKN Maurice Margarot was tried at Edinburgh for se- dition, the Lord Justice asked him, " Mae you ony counsel, men?" — "No." — " Do you want to hae ony appoint- ed?" — "I only want an interpreter to make me icn- derstand what your lordships say." CXXXIII — EASY AS LYING. Erskine, examining a bumptious fellow, asked him, if he were not a rider? " I'm a traveller, sir," replied the witness, with an air of offended importance. 'Indeed, sir. And, pray, are you addicted to the failing usually attributed to travellers ? " CXXXIV. — NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS. A PRISONER in The Fleet sent to his creditor to let him know that he h:id a proposal to make, which he be- lieved would be for their mutual benefit. Accordingly, the creditor calling on him to hear it: "I have been think- ing," said he, " that it is a very idle thing for me to lie here, and put you to the expense of seven groats a week. My being so chargeable to you has given me great uneasi- ness, and who knows what it may cost you in the end ! Therefore, what I propose is this : You shall let me out of prison, and, instead of stfeii groats, you shall allow me only eiglilceiipence a week, and the other teiipeiice shall go towards the discharging of the debt." CXXXV. — EPIGRAM. (On the column to the Duke of York's memory. ) In former times the illustrious dead were burned, Their hearts preserved in sepulchre inurned ; 30 The Jest Book. This column, then, commemorates the part Which custom makes us single out — the heart ; You ask, " How by a column this is done ? " I answer, " ' Tis a hollow thing of stone.'''' CXXXVI FLATTERY TURNED TO ADVANTAGE. A DEPENDANT was praising his patron for many virtues which he did not possess. ' ' I will do all in my power to prevent you lying" answered he. CXXXVII. — THE INTRUDER REBUKED. Jerrold and some friends were dining in a private room at a tavern. After dinner the landlord informed the com- pany that the house was partly under repair, and requested that a stranger might be allowed to take a chop at a sep- arate table in the apartment. The company assented, and the stranger, a person of commonplace appearance, was in- troduced, ate his chop in silence, and then fell asleep, snor- ing so loudly and inharmoniously that conversation was disturbed. Some gentlemen of the party made a noise, and the stranger, starting from his sleep, shouted to Jer- rold, " I know you, Mr. Jerrold ; but you shall not make a butt of me ! " — "Then don't bring your hog's head in here," was the prompt reply. CXXXVIII. — CRITICAL POLITENESS. A YOUNG author reading a tragedy, perceived his audi- tor very often pull off his hat at the end of a line, and asked him the reason. "I cannot pass a very old ac- quaintance," replied the critic, "without that civility." CXXXIX. — A GOOD PLACE. A NOBLEMAN taking leave when going as ambassador, the king said to him, "The principal instruction you re- quire is, to observe a line of conduct exactly the reverse to that of your predecessor." — "Sire," replied he, "I will endeavor so to act that you shall not have occasion to give my successor the like advice." The Jest Book. 3 1 CXL. — A CABAL. The attem]')t to run over the King of the French with a cab, looivcd iii'Ce a conspiracy to overturn monarchy by a common-wheel. CXLI. — THE FIRE OF LONDON. One speaking of the fire of London, said, "Cannon Street roared. Bread Street was burnt to a cnist. Crooked Lane was burnt straight, Addle Hill staggered. Creed Lane would not believe it till it came, Distaff Lane had sprung a fine thread, Ironmonger Lane was redhot. Sea- coal Lane was burnt to a cinder, Soper Lane was in the suds, the Poultry was too much singed, Thames Street was dried up, Wood Street was burnt to ashes, Shoe Lane was burnt to boot, Snow Hill was melted down. Pudding I>ane and Pye Corner were over baked. " CXLIL — A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT. The speeches made by P are soiinJ, It cannot be denied ; Granted ; and then it will be found, They 're little else beside. CXLIIL — AN HONEST HORSE. A DEALER once, selling a nag to a gentleman, fre- quently observed, with emphatic earnestness, that "he was an honest horse." After the purchase the gentleman asked him what he meant by an honest horse. " Why, sir," replied the seller, "whenever I rode him he always threatened to thro-,v me, and he certainly never deceived me." CXLIV. — THE RETORT CUTTING.' Bishops Sherlock and Hoadly were both freshmen of the same year, at Catherine Hall, Cambridge. The classical subject in which they were first lectured was TuUy's Offices, and one morning Hoadly received a com- pliment from the tutor for the excellence of his construing. Sherlock, a little ve.xed at the preference shown to his ri- 32 The Jest Book. val, said, when they left the lecture-room, "Ben, you made good use of L'Estrange's translation to-day." — "Why, no, Tom," retorted Hoadly, "I did not, for I had not got one ; and I forgot to borrow yours, which, I am told, is the only one in the college.'' CXLV. — ELEGANT COMPLIMENT. Mr. Henry Erskine, being one day in London, in company with the Duchess of Gordon, said to her, "Are we never again to enjoy the honor and pleasure of your grace's society at Edinburgh?" — "O!" answered her grace, "Edinburgh is a vile dull place — I hate it." — " Madam," replied the gallant barrister, "the sun might as well say, there's a vile dark morning, — I zvont rise to- day." CXLVL — A love song, BY DEAN SWIFT. Apud in is almi de si re, Mimis tres Ine ver require, Alo veri find it a gestis, His miseri ne ver at restis. CXLVII. — BY THE SAME. Mollis abuti. Has an acuti, No lasso finis, Molli divinis. O mi de armis tres, Imi nadis tres, Cantu disco ver Meas alo ver ? CXLVIII. — A HAPPY SUGGESTION. When Jenny Lind, the Swedish Nightingale, gave a concert to the Consumption Hospital, the proceeds of which concert amounted to 1,776/. 15^-., and were to be devoted to the completion of the building, Jerrold suggested that the new part of the hospital should be called "The Nightingale's Wing." The Jest Book. 33 CXLIX. — PLAYING ON A WORD. Lord Orford was present in a large company at din- ner, when Bruce, the celebrated traveller, was talking in his usual style of exaggeration. Some one asked him what musical instnmients were used in Abyssinia. Bruce hesi- tated, not being prepared for the question, and at last said, " I think 1 saw a lyre there." George Selwyn, who was of the party, whispered his next man, " \'es, and there is one less since he left the country." CL. — AN EYE TO PROFIT. A PERSON speaking of an acquaintance, who, though extremely avaricious, was always abusing the avarice of others, adtled, "Is it not strange that this man will not take the beam out of his oion eye before he attempts the fiiote in other people's? " — " Why, so I daresay he would," cried Sheridan, " if he was sure of selling the timder." CLi. — "out, brief c.\ndle." A very small officer struck an old grenadier of his com- pany for some supposed fault in performing his evolutions. The grenadier gravely took ofT his cap, and, holding it over the officer by the tip, said, " Sir, if you were not my officer, I would extinguish you." CLI I. — A. L A learned barrister, quoting Latin verses to a brother "wig," who did not appear to understand them, added, "Don't you know the lines? They are in Martial." — "Marshall. Oh, yes; Marshall, who wrote on under- writing." — " Not so bad,." replied the other. " After all, there is not so much difference between an under zariter and a minor poet." CLIIL — QUALIFYING FOR BAIL. A GENTLEMAN once appeared in the Court of King's Bench to give bail in the sum of 3,000/. Serjeant Da\-y, wanting to display his wit, said to him, sternly, " And pray, sir, how do you make out that you are worth 34 7fti^ y^'-f' Book. 3,000/. ? " The gentleman stated the particulars of his property up to 2,940. "That's all very good," said the Serjeant, "but you want 60/. more to be worth 3,000." — "For that sum," replied the gentleman, in noways dis- concerted, " I have a note of hand of one Mr. Serjeant Davy, and I hope he will have the honesty soon to settle it." The Serjeant looked abashed, and Lord Mansfield observed, in his usual urbane tone, "Well, brother Davy, 1 think we may accept the bail." CLiv. — Barry's powers of pleasing. Spranger Barry, to his silver-toned voice, added all the powers of persuasion. A carpenter, to whom he owed some money for work at the Dublin Theatre, called at Barry's house, and was very clamorous in demanding payment, Mr. Barry overhearing him, said from above, " Don't be in a passion ; but do me the favor to walk upstairs, and we'll speak on the business." — "Not I," answered the man ; " you owe me one hundred pounds already, and if you get me upstairs, you won't let me leave you till you owe me tiw." CLV. — epigram. "It is rumored that a certain Royal Duke has ex- pressed a determination never to shave until the Reform Bill is crushed entirely." — Court yoiirnal. 'Tis right that Cumberland should be In this resolve so steady. For all the world declare that he Is too hare-faced already ! CLVI. — SENTENCE OF DEATH. The following is a literal copy of a notice served by a worthy inhabitant of Oravesend upon his neighbor, whose fowl had eaten his pig's victuals. ".Sir, — I have sent to you as Coashon a gences Leting your fouls Coming Eting and destrowing My Pegs vettles and if so be you Let them Com on My Premses hafter this Noddes I will kil them. " Rd. Gold." The Jest Rook. 35 CLVII. — NATIVE WIT. John was thoufjlit to be very stupid. He was sent to a mill one day, and tlie miller said, " [ohn, some people say you are a fool ! Now, tell me what you do know, and what you don't know. " — " Well,'' replied John, "I know millers' hogs are fat! " — " Ves, that's well, John ! Now, what don't you know?" — "I don't know whose corn fats 'em ! " CLVIII. — WORTH THE MONEY. Sir Rorert \V.\lpule having misquoted a passage in Horace, Mr. Pulleney said the lionorable gentleman's Latin was as bad as his politics. Sir Robert adhered to his version, and bet his opponent a guinea that he was right, proposing Mr. Harding as arbiter. The bet being accepted, Harding rose, and with ludicrous solemnity gave his decision against his patron. The guinea was thrown across the House ; and when Pulteney stooped to pick it up, he observed, that "it was the insX. public money he had touched for a long time." After his death, the guinea was found wrapped up in a piece of paper on which the circumstance was recorded. CLI.X. — SUITED TO HIS SUBJECT. The ballot was, it seems, first proposed in 179:;, by Major Cart-zurii^ht, who somewhat appropriately wrote a book upon the Common - Wheel. CLX. — NOT 7'ersus NOTT. A GENTLEMAN of Maudlin, whose name was A'ott, re- turning late from his friend's rooms, attracted the attention of the proctor, who demanded his name and college. "I am A'ott of Maudlin," was the reply, hiccupping. " Sir, " said the proctor, in an angry tone, " I did not ask of what college you are not, but of what college you are. " — "I am Nott of Maudlin," was again the broken reply. The proctor, enraged at what he "considered con- tumely, insisted on accompanying him to Maudlin, and demanded of the porter, " whether he knew the gentle- 36 The Jest Book. man." — " Know him, sir," said the porter, "yes, it is Mr. iV(?//of this college." The proctor now perceived his error in not understanding the gentleman, and wished him a good night. CLXr. — A COCKNEY EPIGRAM. " In Parliament, it's plain enough, No reverence for age appears ; For they who hear each speaker's stuff. Find there is no respect for (y) ears. CLXII. — THE^PINK OF POLITENESS. I ORD Berkeley was once dining with Lord Chester- field (the pink of politeness) and a large party, when it was usual to drink wine until they were mellow. Berkeley had by accident shot one of his gamekeepers, and Ches- terfield, under the warmth of wine, said," Pray, my Lord Berkeley, how long is it since you shot a gamekeeper ? " — " Not since you hanged your tutor, my lord !" was the reply. You know that Lord Chesterfield brought Dr. Dodd to trial, in consequence of which he was hanged. CLXIIL — HIGH AND LOW. " I expect six clergymen to dine with me on such a day," said a gentleman to his butler. " Very good, sir," said the butler. " Are they High Church or Low Church, sir ? " — " What on earth can that signify to you ? " asked the astonished master. "Every thing, sir," was the re- ply. "If they are High Church, they'll drink; if they are Low Church, they'll eat ! " CLXIV. — CITY LOVE. In making love let poor men sigh. But love that's ready-made is better For men of business ; — so I, If madam will be cruel, let her. But should she wish that I should wait And miss the 'Change, — oh no, I thank her, I court by deed, or after date, Through my solicitor or banker. The Jest Book. 37 CI.XV. — INC.K.Mors KK.n.V OK A SOI.DIKR. A Sol.DiKK in the :iiniy of llic Duke of Marlborough took the name of that <,'cncral, who reprimaiulcd him for it. "How am I to blame, general?" said the soldier. " I have the choice of names ; if I had known one more illustrious tlnin yours, I shouUl have taken it. " CLXVI. — LORD CHESTERKIKLD. WiiKN Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he pro- posed a jierson to his late majesty ns ]MO]ier to fill a ]ilace of {;reat trust, but which the kinij himself was determined should be tilled by another. i'he council, however, re- solved not to induljje the king, for fear of a dangerous precedent, and it was Lord Chesterfield's business to pre- sent the grant of oHice for the king's signature. Not to incense his m.xjesty by asking him al>ruptly, he, with ac- cents of great humility, begged to know with whose name his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filled up. "With the h coat of varnish. "Must I use copal or mastic?" said the young man. "Neither one nor the other," said a gentlen'ian present ; " if you wish to bring the figures out, \arnish it with turtle soup.''' CCLXXVI. — A RUB AT A RASCAL. George Colman being once told that a man whose character was not very immaculate had grossly abused him, jiointedly remarked, that "the scandal and ill report of some persons that might be mentioned was like fuller's earth, it daubs your coat a little for a time, but when it is rubbed ojjf yo\xv coat is so much the cleaner." CCLXXVII. — A SAGE SIMILE. Mr. Thackeray once designated a certain noisy trage- dian " Macready and onions.''' CCLXXVIII. — AN ARCHITECTUR.AL PUN. On the Statue of George 1. being placed on the top of Blooinshury Church. The King of Great Britain was reckoned before The head of the Church by all Protestant people ; His Bloomsbury subjects have made him still more. For with liiem he is now made the head of the steeple. CCLXXIX. — THE MAJESTY OF MUD. During the rage of republican principles in England, and whilst the Corresponding Society was in full vigor, Mr. Selwyn one May-day met a troop of chimney-sweep- ers, dressed out in all their gaudy trappings ; and observed 62 The Jest Book. to Mr. Fox, who was walking with him, " I say, Charles, I have often heard you and otliers talk of the majesty of the people ; but I never saw any of the -^owng princes and princesses till now. " CCLXXX. — A PROVIDENT BOY. An avaricious fenman, who kept a veiy scanty table, dining one Saturday with his son at an ordinary in Cam- bridge, whispered in his ear, "Tom, you must eat for to- day and to-morrow." — " O yes," retorted the half-starved lad, "but I han't eaten iox yesterday and to-day yet, father." CCLXXXI. — A QUERY ANSWERED. " Why, pray, of late do Europe's kings No jester to their courts admit ? " "They're grown such stately solemn things. To bear a joke they think not fit. But though each court a jester lacks. To laugh at monarchs to their faces. Yet all mankind, behind their backs, Supply the honest jesters' places." CCLXXXII. — A woman's PROMISES. Anger may sometimes make dull men witty, but it keeps them poor. Queen Elizabeth seeing a disappointed courtier waliiing with a melancholy face in one of her gar- dens, asked him, " What does a man think of when he thinks of nothing? " — " Of a woman's promises ! " was the reply ; to which the Queen returned, " I must not confute you. Sir Edward," and she left him. CCLXXXIII. — THE MEDICINE MUST BE OF USE. Sarah, Duchess of Marlborough, once pressing the duke to take a medicine, with her usual warmth said, " I'll be hanged if it do not prove serviceable. " Dr. Garth, who was ]M-esent, exclaimed, " Do take it, then, my lord duke, for it must be of service one way or the other." The Jest Book. 63 CCLXXXIV. - ROYAL FAVOR. A LOW fellow boasted in very hyperbolical terms that the king iiad s]ioken to him ; and being asked what his Majesty had said, replied, "He bade me stand out of the way. " CCLXXXV. — BLACK AND WHITE. The Tories vow the Whigs are black as night, And boast that they are only blessed with light. Peel's politics to both sides so incline, He maj' be called the equinoctial line. CCLXXXVL — THE WORST OF ALL CRIMES. An old offender being asked whether he had committed all the crimes laid to his charge, answered, " I have done still worse ! I suffered myself to be apprehended. " CCLXXXVIL — A PHENOMENON ACCOUNTED FOR. Dr. Byron, of Manchester, eminent for his promptitude at an epigram, being once asked how it could haijpen that a lady rather stricken in years looked so much better in an evening tlian a morning, thus replied : — " Ancient Phyllis has young graces, 'Tis a strange thing, but a true one. Shall I tell you how ? .She herself makes her own faces. And each morning wears a new one ! Where s the wonder now ? " CCLXXXVIIL — BRIGHT AND SHARP. A LITTLE boy having lieen much praised for his quick- ness of reply, a gentleman present observed, that when chil- dren were keen in their youth, they were generally stupid and dull when they were advanced in years, and vice versa. " What a very sensible hoy, sir, must yon have been !" returned the child. CCl.XXXIX. — A WOODMAN. A YOUNG man, boasting of his health and constitutional 64 The Jest Book. stamina, was asked to what he chiefly attributed so great a happiness. "To laying in a good foundation, to be sure. I make a jiioint, sir, to eat a great deal every morn- ing. " — "'J'hen I presume, sir, you usually breakfast in a tii)tber-y(ii-d" was the rejoinder. CCXC. — HUMAN HAPPINESS. A CAPTAIN in the na\'y, meeting a friend as he landed at Portsmouth, boasted that he had left his whole ship's com- pany the happiest fellows in the world. "How so?" asked his friend. " Why, I have just flogged seventeen, and they are happy it is over ; and all the rest are happy that they have escaped." CCXCI. — MEASURE FOR MEASURE. A FELLOW stole Lord Chatham's large gouty shoes : his servant, not finding them, began to curse the thief. " Never mind," said his lordshi]i, "all the harm I wish the rogue is, that the shoes may Jit hi/// ! " CCXCII. — A DESERVED RETORT. A SPENDTHRIFT, who had nearly wasted all his patri- mony, seeing an acquaintance in a coat not of the newest cut, told him that he thought it had been his great-grand- father's coat. " So it was," said the gentleman, "and I have also my great-grandfather's ta7ic/s, which is more than you can say." CCXCIII. — A POETICAL SHAPE. When Mr. Pope once dined at Lord Chesterfield's, some one observed that he should have known Pope was a great poet by his very shape ; for it was i/i a/id out, like the lines of a Pi/ida/'ic ode. CCXCIV. — A COMMON CASE. A SAILOR meeting an old acquaintance, whom the world had frowned upon a little, asked him where he lived ? "Where I live,''' said he, "I don't know; but I staz-ve towards Wapping, and that way. " The Jest Book. 65 CCXCV. — EPIGRAM. You beat your pate, and fancy wit will come : Knock as you will, there's nobody at home. CC.XCVI. — TOO COLD TO CHANGE. A LADY reproving a gentleman during a hard frost for swearing, advised him to leave it off, saying it was a very bad habit. " V'ery true, madam," answered he, " but at present it is too cold to think of parting with any liabit, be it ever so bad. " CCXCVIL —SEALING AN OATH. " Do you," said Fanny, t' other day, "In earnest love me as you say ; Or are those tender words applied Alike to fifty girls beside ? " "Dear, cruel girl," cried I, "forbear, For by those eyes, — those lips I swear ! " .She stopped me as the oath I took, And cried, " You've sworn, — now kiss the book." CCXCVIIL — A NEAT QUOTATION. Lord Norbury asking the reason of the delay that happened in a cause, was told that Mr. Serjeant yoy, who was to lead, was absent, but Mr. Hope, the solicitor, had said that he would return immediately. His lordship humorously repeated the w ell-known lines : — " Hope told a flattering tale. That Joy would soon return." CCXCIX. — good sport. A GENTLENLVN OH circuit narrating to Lord Norbury some extravagant feat in sporting, mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three hares before breakfast. "Thirty- three hairs I" exclaimed Lord Norbury: "zounds, sir! then you must have been firing at a wig." CCC. — AN UNRE-HEARSED EFFECT. A NOBLE lord, not over courageous, was once so far 5 66 The Jest Book. engaged in an affair of honor, as to be drawn to Hyde Tark to fight a (kiel. But just as he arrived at the Porter's Lo;lge, an empty hearse came by ; on which his lordship's antagonist called out to the driver, "Stop here, my good fellow, a few minutes, and I'll send jcw/ a fare.'''' This operated so strongly on his lordship's nerves, that he begged his opponent's pardon, and returned home in a whole skin. CCCI. — A GOOD SERVANT. "I can't conceive," said one nobleman to another, "how it is that you manage. Though your estate is less than mine, I could not afford to live at the rate you do." — "My lord," said the other, "I have a place." — "A place ? you amaze me, I never heard of it till now, — pray what place ?" — " I am my oiun steward.'''' cccii. — balancing accounts. Theophilus Gibber, who was very extravagant, one day asked his father for a hundred pounds. " Zounds, sir, said Colly, "can 't you live upon your salaiy ? When I was your age, I never spent a farthing of my father's money." — "But you have spent a great deal of my father's,'" replied Theophilus. This retort had the desired effect. CCCIII. — A NOVELTY. A PERSON was boasting that he had never spoken the truth. " Then," added another, "you have iioiu done it for the first time." ccciv. — SCOTCH understanding. A LADY asked a very silly Scotch nobleman, how it ha'ipened that the Scots who came out of their own coun- try were, generally speaking, men of more abilities than those who remained at home. "O madam," said he, " the reason is obvious. At every outlet there are persons stationed to examine all who pass, that, for the honor of the countiy, no one be permitted to leave it who is not a man of understanding." — "Then," said she, "I suppose your lordship was smuggled.'" The Jest Book. 67 CCCV. — BRUTAL AFFECTIONS. The attacliment of some ladies to their lap-dotjs amounts, in some instances, to infatuation. An ill-tempered lap- dog biting a piece out of a male visitor's leg, his mistress thus expressed her compassion : "Poor little dear crea- ture ! I hope it will not make him sick ! " CCCVr. — AN INTRODUCTORY CEREMONY. An alderman of London once requested an author to write a speech for him to speak at Guildhall. " I must first dine with you," replied he, "and see how you ouen your moLilh, that I may k 11010 ivhat sort of toords will fit it .'''' CCCVII. — WHIG AND TORY. Whig and Tory scratch and bite. Just as hungry dogs we see ; Toss a bone ' twixt two, they fight ; Throw a couple, they agree. CCCVIII. — CONTRABAND SCOTCHMAN. A PERSON was complimenting Mrs. on her acting a certain female character so well. "To do justice to that character," rej^licd the la ly, modestly, " one should be young and handsome. " — " Nay, madam," replied the gentleman, " you are a complete proof of the contrary.^'' CCCIX. — A PLACEBO. When Mr. Canning was about giving up Gloucester Lodge, Bromi)ton, he said to his gardener, as he took a farewell look of the grounds, " I am sorry, Fraser, to leave this old place." — " Psha, sir," said George, " don't fret ; when you had this old place, you were out of place ; now you arc in place, you can get both yourself and me a better place.'" The hint was taken, and old George pro- vided for. CCCX. — A PLACE WANTED. A GENTLEMAN, who did not live very happily witii his 68 The Jest Book. wife, on the maid telling him that she was about to give her mistress warning, as she kept scolding her from morn- ing till night. " Happy girl ! " said the master, " I wish I could give -warning too." CCCXI. — NOT TO BE BOUGHT. A common-councilman's lady paying her daughter a visit at school, and inquiring what progress she had made in her education, the governess answered, " pretty good, madam, she is very- attentive : if she wants anything it is a capacity : but for that deficiency you know we must not blame her. " — "No madam," replied the mother, "but I blame von for not having mentioned it before. Her father can afford his daugliter a capacity ; and I beg she may have one immediately, cost what it may." CCCXII. — SIGN OF BEING CRACKED. In a cause respecting a will, evidence was given to prove the testatrix, an apothecary's widow, a lunatic ; amongst other things, it was deposed that she had swept a quantity of pots, lotions, potions, &c., into the street as rubbish. "I doubt," said the learned judge, "whether sweeping physic into the street be any proof of insanity. " — " True, my lord," replied the counsel, " but sweeping the pots away, certainly was." CCCXIII. — CRUEL SUGGESTION. Lord Stanley came plainly dressed to request a pri- vate audience of King James I., but was refused admit- tance into the royal closet by a sprucely-dressed countiy- man of the king's. James hearing the altercation between the two, came out and inquired the cause. " My liege," said Lord Stanley, "this gay countryman of yours has refused me admittance to your presence. " — "Cousin," said the king, " how shall I punish him? Shall I send him to the Tower?" — "O no, my liege," replied Lord Stanley, "inflict a severer punishment, —setid hi?n back to Scotland!" CCCXIV. — an odd FELLOW. Lord Willoughby de Broke was a very singidar char- The Jest Book. 69 acter, and had more peculiarities than any nobleman of his day. Coming once out of the House of Peers, and not seeing his servant among those who were waiting at the door, he called out in a very loud vdicc, " Where can \\\y fellow he V — "Not in Europe, my lord," said An- thony Henley, who happened to be near him, " not in Europe.'" CCCXV. — POST-MORTEM. One of Cromwell's granddaughters was remarkable for her vivacity and humor. One summer, being in company at Tunbridge Wells, a gentleman having taken great of- fence at some sarcastic observation she made, intending to insult her, said, " Voii need not give yourself such airs, madam ; you know your grandfather was hanged." — To which she' instantly replied, " But not till he was dead." CCCXVI. — KNOWING HIS PLACE. At a grand review by George HI. of the Portsmouth fleet in 1 789, there was a boy who mounted the shrouds with so much agility as to surprise every spectator. The king particularly noticed it, and said to Lord Lothian, " Lothian, I have heard much of your agility ; let us see you run up after that boy." — "Sire," replied Lord Lo- thian, "it is my duty to follow your Majesty.'" CCC.XVII. — AN ATTIC JEST. Sheridan inquiring of his son what side of politics he should espouse on his inauguration to St Stephen's, the son replied, that he intended to vote for those who offered best, and that he should wear on his forehead a label, " To let." — " I supjiose, Tom, you mean to add, unfurnished" rejoined the father. CCCXVIII. — CUTTING ON BOTH SIDES. Lord B , who sported a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting Mr. O'Connell in Dublin, the latter said, " When do you mean to place your whiskers on the peace cstaNish- ment?" — "When you place your tongue on the civil list!" was the rejoinder. 70 The Jest Book. CCCXIX. — A READY RECKONER. A MATHEMATICIAN being asked by a wag, " If a pig weighs 200 pounds, how much will a great boar {bore'^) weigh ? " he replied, "Jump into the scales, and I will tell you i/ii;/iediateiy.'" CCCXX. — CATCHING HIM UP. An Irishman being asked which was oldest, he or his brother, " I am eldest," said he, "but if my brother lives three years longer, we shall be both of an age. CCCXXI. — A STOPPER. A GENTLEMAN describing a person who often visited him for the sole purpose of having a long gossip, called him Mr. Jones the stay-maker. CCCXXII. — A BOOK CASE. There is a celebrated reply of Mr. Curran to a remark of Lord Clare, who curtly exclaimed at one of his legal positions, "O ! if that be law, Mr. Curran, I may burn my law-books ! " — " Better read them, my lord," was the sarcastic and appropriate rejoinder. CCCXXIII. — HINC ILLE LACHRYM^. "The mortality among Byron's mistresses," said the late Lady A — 11, "is really alarming. I think he gener- ally buries, in verse, a first love eveiy fortnight." — • "Madam," replied Curran, "mistresses are not so mortal. The fact is, my lord weeps for the />ress, and wipes his eyes with the public.'''' CCCXXIV. — REASON FOR GOING TO CHURCH. It was observed of an old citizen that he was the most regular man in London in his attendance at church, and no man in the kingdom was more punctual in his prayers, " He has a very good reason for it," replied John Wilkes, "for, as he never gave a shilling, did a kindness, or con- ferred a favor on any man living, 110 one zvotcld pray for him." The Jest Book. 71 CCCXXV. — A BISHOP AND CHURCHWARDEN. Bishop Warhurton, goinj; to Cirencester to confirm, he was supplied at the aUar with an elbow-chair and a cushion, wliich he did not mucli like, and calling; to the cluirchwarilcn said, " I suppose, sir, your fattest butcher has sat in this chair, and your most violent Methodist preacher thumped the cushion." CCCXXVI. — STONE BLIND. Lord Byron's valet (Mr. Fletcher) grievously excited his -master's ire by observing, while Byron was examining the remains of Athens, "La me, my lord, what capital mintdpicccs that marble would make in England ! " CCCXXVII. — AGREEABLE AND NOT COMPLIMENTARY. In King William's time a Mr. Tredenham was taken before the Earl of Nottingham on suspicion of having trea- sonable pajiers in his possession. " I am only a ]ioet," said the captive, "and those papers are my roughly- sketched play." The Earl examined the papers, however, and then returned them, saying, " I have heard your statement and read your play, and as I can find no trace of a plot in either, you may go free." CCCXXVHI. — DR. JOHNSON WITHOUT VARIATION. Dr. Johnson was observed by a musical friend of his to be extremely inattentive at a concert, whilst a celebrated solo ]5layer was running up the divisions and sub-divisions of notes upon his violin. His friend, to induce him to take greater notice of what was going on, told him how ex- tremely difficult it was. "Difficult, do you call it, sir?" replied the doctor ; "I wisli it were ivi possible.'''' CCCXXIX. — MR. CANNIN(;'S PARASITES. Nature descends down to infinite smallness. Mr. Canning has his parasites ; and if you take a large buzzing blue-bottle fly, and look at it in a microscope, you may see twenty or thirty little ugly insects crawling about it, 72 Tlu- Jest Book. which doubtless think their fly to be the bluest, grandest, merriest, most important animal in the universe, and are convinced that the world would be at an end if it ceased to buzz. — S. S. CCCXXX. — PLEASANT DESERTS. A CERTAIN physician was so fond of administering medicine, that, seeing all the phials and pill-boxes of his patient completely emptied, and ranged in order on the table, he said, "Ah, sir, it gives me pleasure to attend you, — you desen'e to be ill. " CCCXXXI. — A HOME ARGUMENT. By one decisive argimient Tom gained his lovely Kate's consent. To fix the bridal day. " Why in such haste, dear Tom, to wed ? I shall not change my mind," she said. " But then," says he, "I may.'" CCCXXXI r. — A BAD PEN. "Nature has written 'honest man' on his face," said a friend to Jerrold, speaking of a person in whom Jerrold's faith was not altogether blind. " Humph ! " Jerrold re- plied, " then the pen must have been a very bad one." CCCXXXIII. — ^WIGNELL THE ACTOR. One of old Mr. Sheridan's favorite characters was Cato: and on its revival at Covent Garden Theatre, a Mr. Wig- nell assumed his old-established part of Fortius; and having stepped foi-ward widi a prodigious though accus- tomed stmt, began : — " The dawTi is overcast ; the morning lowers, And heavily, in clouds, brings on the day." The audience upon this began to vociferate "Prologue! prologue ! prologue ! " when Wignell, finding them reso- lute, without betyraing any emotion, pause, or change in his voice and manner, proceeded as if it were part of the play: — The Jest Book. 73 " Ladies and gentlemen, there has been no Prologue spoken to this i)lay these twenty years — The great, the important day, big with the fate Of Cato and of Rome." Tliis wonderful effusion put the audience in good humor : they laughed immoderately, cla]iped, and shouted ''^Bra- vo!" and Wignell still continued with his usual composure and stateliness. CCCXXXIV. —CANDOR. A NOTORIOUS egotist, indirectly praising himself for a number of good qualities which it w-as well known he had not, asked Alacklin the reason why he should have this propensity of interfering in the good of others when he frequently met with very unsuitable returns. "The cause is plain enough,"' said Macklin ; '■'■ impudence, — nothing but stark-staring impudence ! " cccxx.w. — K "cold" compliment. A coxcomb, teasing Dr. Parr with an account of his petty ailments, complained that he could never go out without catching cold in his head. "No wonder," re- turned the doctor ; "you always go out without anything in it." CCCXXXVI. — READY REPLY. The grass-plots in the college courts or quadrangles are not for the unhallowed feet of the undcr-graduates. Some, however, are hardy enough to venture, in desi:)ite of all remonstrance. A master of Trinity had often observed a student of his college invariably to cross the green, when, in obedience to tlie calls of his appetite, he went to hall to dine. One day the master determined to reprove the delinquent for invading the rights of his suijeriors, and for that purpose he tlirew up the sasli at which he was sitting, and called to the student, — "Sir, I never look out of my window but I see you walking across the grass- plot. " — "My lord," replied the offender instantly, "I never walk across tlie grass-jilot, but I see voii looking out of your window. " 'I'hc master, ])ieased at the readiness of the reply, closed his window, convulsed with laughter. 74 The Jest Book. CCCXXXVII. — FULL PROOF. Lord Peterborough was once taken by the mob for the great Duke of Marlborough (who was then in disgrace with them); and being aljout to be roughly treated, said, — " Gentlemen, I can convince you by two reasons that I am not the Duke of Marlborough. In the first place, I have only five guineas in my pocket ; and in the second, they are heartily at your service. " He got out of their hands with loud huzzas and acclamations. CCCXXXVIIL — EPIGRAM ON GIBBER. In merry Old England it once was the rule, The king had his ]5oet and also his fool ; But now we 're so frugal, I 'd have you to know it. That Gibber can serve both {or fool and iox poet. CCCXXXIX. — A PROPHECY. Charles Mathews, the elder, being asked what he was going to do with his son (the young man's profession was to be that of an architect), " Why," answered the comedian, ' ' he is going to draw houses, like his father. " cccxl. — A fixture. Dr. Roger Long, the celebrated astronomer, was walk- ing, one dark evening, with a gentleman in Cambridge, when the latter came to a short post fixed in the ]iavement, but which, in the earnestness of conversation, taking to be a boy standing in the path, he said hastily, " Get out of the way, boy. " — " That boy," said the doctor, very seriously, ' * is a post-boy, who ne\cr turns out of the way for any- body." CCCXLI. — FAMILY PRIDE. A YOUNG lady visiting in the family asked John at din- ner for a potato. John made no response. The request was repeated ; when John, putting his mouth to her ear, said, veiy audibly, " There 's jist ttva in the dish, and they maun be keepit for the strangers. " The Jest Book. 75 CCCXLII. -- EVIDEN.'E OF A JOCKEY. The following dialogue was lately heaid at an assize : — Counsel: " What was the height of the horse?" Wit- ness: "Sixteen feet." Counsel: "How old was he?" Witness: "Six years." Counsel: "How high did you say he was?" Witness: "Sixteen hands." Counsel: " Vou said just now sixteen /Jv/." Witness: "Sixteen fed! Did I say sixteen /r/ .? " Counsel: "You did." ' W itness : " If I did say sixteen feet, it was sixteen feet ! — you don't catch me crossing myself ! " CCCXLIII. — WAY OF THE WORLD. Determined beforehand, we gravely pretend To ask the opinion and thoughts of a friend ; Should his differ from ours on any pretence, W^e ])ity his want both of judgment and sense ; But if he falls into and Halters our ])lan, Why, really we think him a sensible man. CCCXLIV. — A BROAD-SHEET HINT. In the parlor of a public-house in Fleet Street, there used to be written over the chimney-piece the following notice : "Gentlemen learning to spell are requested to use yesterday's paper. " CCCXLV. — MODEST MERIT. A PLAYER applied to the manager of a respectable com-, pany for an engagement for himself and his wife, stating that his lady was capable of playing all the first line of busi- ness ; but as for himself he was "the worst actor in the world." They were engaged, and the lady answered the character which he had given of her. The gentleman having the part of a mere walking gentleman sent him for his first appearance, he asked the manager, indignantly, how could he put him in such a ]wltry jiart. ".Sir," answered the other, "here is your own letter, stating that you were the luors/ actor in the world. " — "True," re- plied the otiier, "but then I had nol seen yon.'"'' 76 The Jest Book. CCCXLVI. — SOFT, very! Some one had written upon a pane in the window of an inn on the Chester road, "Lord M ms has the softest lips in the universe. — Phillis. " Mrs. Abingdon saw this inscription, and wrote under it, — " Then as like as two chips Are his head and his lips. — Amarillis. " CCCXLVII. — CAMBRIDGE ETIQUETTE. Cambridge etiquette has been very happily caricatured by the following anecdote. A gownsman, one day walk- ing along the banks of the Cam, observing a luckless son of his Alma Mater in the agonies of di-o^vning, " What a pity," he exclaimed, "that I have not had the honor of being iittrodiiccd to the gentleman ; I might have saved him;" and walked on, leaving the poor fellow to his fate. CCCXLVIII. - EPIGRAM. (On interminable harangues.) Ye fates that hold the vital shears, If ye be troubled with remorse. And will not cut ■ 's thread of life. Cut then the thread of his diseoiirse. CCCXLIX. — HALF-WAY. A HORSEMAN crossing a moor, asked a countr}.-man, if it was safe riding. "Ay," answered the counti-j'man, "it is hard enough at the bottom, V 11 warrant you ; " but in half-a-dozen steps the horse sunk up to the girths. " ^'ou story-telling rascal, you said it was hard at the bottom ! " — "Ay," replied the other, "but you are not half-way to the bottom yet." CCCL. — SELF-KNOWLEDGE. said one of his eulogists, " always knows his own mind." We will cede the point, for it amounts to an admission that he knoics nothing. The Jest Book. 77 CCCLI. — TWO OF A TRADE. When Bannister was asked his opinion of a new singer that had appeared at Covent Garden, " Why," said Chajjes, "he may be Rohin Ilood this season, but lie will be robbing Harris (the manager) the next." CCCLII. — A STRAY SHOT. An officer, in battle, happening to bori}^ a cannon-ball passed over his head, and tooic off that of the soldier who stood behind him. "You see," said he, "that a man never loses by politeness." CCCLIir. — ^ MILESIAN ADVICE. " Xev'ER be critical upon the ladies," was the maxim of an old Irish peer, rem>irkable for his homage to the sex ; " the only way in the world that a true gentleman ever will attempt to look at the faults of a pretty woman, is to shut his eyes^ CCCLIV. — MR. ABERNETHY. A LADY who went to consult Mr. Abernethy, began describing her complaint, which is what he very much disliked. Among other things she said, " Whenever I lift my arm, it pains me exceedingly." — ^ " Why then, ma'am," answered Mr. A., "you area great fool for doing so. " CCCLV. — THE DEBT PAID. To John I owed great obligation, But John, unhappily, thought fit To publish it to all the nation ; Sure John and I are more than quit. CCCLVI. — EXTREMES MEET. A CLEVER literary friend of Jerrold, and one who could take a joke, told him he had just had "some calf's-tail soup." — "Extremes meet sometimes," said Jerrold. 78 The Jest Book. CCCLVII. — A COMPLIMENT ILL-RECEIVED. A PERSON who dined in company with Dr. Johnson endeavored to make his court to him by laughing immod- erately at everything he said. The doctor bore it for some time with philosophical indifference ; but the im- pertinent ha, ha, ha! becoming intolerable, " Pray, sir," said the doctor, "what is the matter? 1 hope I have not said anything thatjw/ can comprehend." CCCLVIH. — TRUTH NOT TO BE SPOKEN AT ALL TIMES. Garrick was on a visit at Hagley, when news came that a company of players were going to perform at Bir- mingham. Lord Lyttelton said to Garrick, "They will hear you are in the neighborhood, and will ask you to write an address to the Birmingham audience.' — "Sup- pose, then," said Garrick, without the least hesitation, "I begin thus : — Ye sons of iron, copper, brass, and steel. Who have not heads to think, nor hearts to feel — " "Oh !" cried his lordship, "if you begin thus, they will hiss the players off the stage and pull the house down." — " My lord," said Garrick, "what is the use of an address if it does not come home to the biisiitcss and bosoms of the audience ? " CCCLIX. — A GOOD REASON. A GENTLEMAN, talking with his gardener, expressed his admiration at the rapid growth of the trees. " Why, yes, sir," says the man ; " please to consider that they have nothing else to do." CCCLX. — FOLLOWING A LEADER. Franklin, when ambassador to France, being at a meeting of a literaiy society, and not well understanding the French when declaimed, determined to applaud when he saw' a lady of his ac(|uaintance express satisfaction. When they hail ceased, a little child, who understood the French, said to him, " But, grandpapa, you always ap- jilauded the loudest when they were praising yoti!" Fran lin laughed heartily and explained the matter. The Jest Book. 79 CCCLXI. — IDOLATRY. The toilette of a woman is an altar erected by self-love to vanity. CCCLXII. — TWICE RUINF.D. "I NEVER was ruined but twice," said a wit; "once wlien I lost a lawsuit, and once when I gained one. " CCCLXIII. — Q. E. D. A COUNTRY schoolmaster was met by a certain nol)le- man, who asked his name and vocatiiin. Havinij declared his name, he added, " And I am master of this parish. " — "Master of this parish," observed the peer, "how can that be? " — "I am master of the children of the parish," said the man ; "the children are masters of their mothers, the mothers are rulers of the fathers, and consequently / ai)i master of tlie whole parish. " CCCLXIV. — SHORT STORIES. SiK Walter Scott once stated that he ke]it a lowland laird waiting for him in the library at Abbotsford, and that when he came in he found the laird deep in a book which Sir Walter perceived to be Johnson's Dictionary. " Well, Mr. , said Sir Walter, " how do you like your l)ook '*. " — " They 're vera pretty stories, Sir Walter," replietl the laird ; "but they're unco' s/tort." CCCLXV. — ON A LADY WHO SQUINTED. If ancient poets Argus prize. Who boasted of a lumdred eyes, Sure greater praise to her is due, Who looks a hundred ways with two. CCCLXVL — AN ORIGINAL .VTTRACTION. FOOTE one evening announced, for representation at the ITaymarket Theatre, "The Fair Penitent," to be per- formed, for that niglu only, l)y a l>/aci- lady of great accom- plishments. 8o The Jest Book. CCCLXVII. — DEMOCRATIC VISION. HoRNE TooKE, being asked by George III. whether he played at cards, replied, "I cannot, your Majesty, tell a king from a knave." CCCLXVIII. — FISHY, R.A.THER. Lord Ellenborough, on his return from Hone's trial, suddenly stopped his carriage at Charing Cross, and said, "It occurs to me that they sell the best herrings in Lon- don at that shop. Buy six." CCCLXIX. — LIGHT BREAD. A BAKER has invented a new kind of yeast. It makes bread so light that np07nid oi it weiglis only hvdve ounces. CCCLXX. — SOMETHIiMG LIKE AN INSULT. The late Judge C one day had occasion to ex- amine a witness who stuttered vei7 much in delivering his testimony. " I believe," said his lordship, " you are a very great rogue." — "Not so great a rogue asjvw my lord, — t-t-t-take me to be." CCCLXXL— ON CHARLES KEAN, THE ACTOR. As Romeo, Kean, with awkward grace. On velvet rests, 'tis said ; Ah ! did he seek a softer place. He 'd rest upon his head. CCCLXXIL — POLITICAL CORRUPTION. CuRRAN, when opposed to Lord Clare, said that he reminded him of a chimney-sweep, who had raised himself by dark and dusky ways, and then called aloud to his neighbors to witness his dirty elevation. CCCLXXIIL — A QUAKERLY OBJECTION. A QUAKER being asked his opinion of phrenology, re- plied indignantly, "Friend, there can be no good in, a science that compels a man to take off his hat ! "' The Jest Book. 8i CCCLXXIV. — A GOOD-HEARTED FELLOW. In a valedictory address an editor wrote : " If we have offended any man in tlie sliort but brilliant course of our public career, let liim send us a new hat, and we will then forget tiie past." A cool chap that ! CCCLXXV. — EPIGRAM ON THE DEATH OF FOOTE. FoOTE, from his earthly stage, alas ! is hurled, Death took him off, ivho took off all the world. CCCLXXVL — THE ANGRY OCEAN. " Mother, this book tells about the angry waves of the ocean; Now, what makes the ocean get angry ? " — " Be- cause it has been crossed so often, my son. " CCCLXXVII. — BREVITY. Dr. .\bernf.tiiy, the celebrated physician, was never more displeased liian by hearing a patient detail a long account of troubles. A woman, knowing Abernethy's love of the laconic, having burned her hand, called at his house. Showing him her hand, she said, " A burn. " — "A poultice," quietly answered the learned doctor. The next doy she returned, and said, "Belter." — "Continue the poultice," replied Dr. A. In a week she made her last call, and her speech was lengthened to three words, "Well, — your fee?" — " Nothing," said the physician; "you are the most sensible woman I ever saw." CCCLXXVIII. — EPIGRAM. If L — d — d — y has a grain of sense, He can be only half a lord 't is clear ; For from tiie fact we draw the inference, lie's that which never has been made a peer. CCCLXXIX. — A BROAD-BRIM HINT. A QUAKER said to a gunner, " Friend, I counsel no bloodshed ; but if it be thy design to hit the little man in the blue jacket, point thine engine three inches lower." 6 82 The Jest Book. CCCLXXX. — AN ORDER FOR TWO. At the last rehearsal of "Joanna," Mr. Wild, the prompter, asked the author for an order to admit two friends to the boxes ; and whether Mr. Cumberland was thinkiiif^ of the probable proceeds of his play, or whether his anxiety otherwise bewildered him, cannot be ascer- tained ; but he wrote, instead of the usual "two to the boxes " — " admit tioo pounds two. " CCCLXXXI. — EPIGRAM FROM THE ITALIAN. His hair so black, — his beard so gray, 'T is strange ! But would you know the cause ? 'T is that his labors always lay. Less on his brain than on hxsjaws. CCCLXXXII. — MARRIAGE. A WIDOWER, having taken another wife, was, neverthe- less, always paying some panegyric to the memory of his late spouse, in the presence of his present one ; who one day added, with great feeling, " Believe me, my dear, no- body regrets he?- loss more than I do. " CCCLXXXIII. — FISHING FOR A COMPLIMENT. A YOUNG man having preached for the doctor one day, was anxious to get a word of apjilause for his labor of love. The grave doctor, however, did not introduce the subject, and his younger brother was obliged to bait the hook for him. " I hope, sir, I did not weary your people by the length of my sermon to-day? " — " No, sir, not at all ; nor by the depth either ! " The young man was silent. CCCLXXXIV. — VISIBLE PROOF. An Irishman being asked on a late trial for a certificate of his marriage, exhibited a laige scar on his head, which looked as though it might have been made with a fire- shovel. The evidence was satisfactory. CCCLXXXV. —SIMPLICITY OF THE LEARNED PORSON. The great scholar liad a horror of the east wind ; and The Jest Book, 83 Tom Sheridan once kept him prisoner in the house for a fortnight hy Jixi)i!^ the weathercock in that direction. CCCLXXXVI. — KPIGRAM ADDRESSED TO MISS KDGFAVORTH. We every -day bards may " Anonymous " sijjn : Tliat refuge, Miss Edgeworth, can never be thine : Thy writings, where satire and moral unite. Must bring forth the name of their aullior to liglit. (lood and bad join in telUng the source of thcii' birth, The bad own their EJge and the good own their worlh. CCCLXXXVII. — KEEN REPLY. A RETIRED vocalist, who had acquired a large fortune by marriage, was asked to sing in company. " Allow ine," said he, " to imitate the nightingale, which does not sing after it has made its nest." CCCLXXXVIII. — A GOOD EXAMPLE. In the House of Commons, the grand characteristic of the office of tlie Speaker is silence ; and he fills the place best who best holds his tongue. There are other speakers in the House (not otlicial) who would show their sagacity by following the example of their President. CCCLXXXLX. — A CERTAINTY. A PHYSICIAN passing by a stone-mason's shop bawled out, "Good morning, Mr. D. ! Hard at work, I see. You finish your gravestones as far as ' In the memory of,' and then wait, I suppose, to see who wants a monument next?" — "Why, yes," replied the old man, "unless somebody's sick, ^ndyou are doctoring him ; then I keep right on." CCCXC. — NOMINAL RHYMES. THE COURT OF ALDERMEN AT FISHMONGERS' HALL. Is that dace or perch ? Said Alderman Birch ; 84 The Jest Book. I take it for herring, Said Alderman Perring. This jack 's very good, Said Alderman Wood ; But its bones might a man slay, Said Alderman Ansley. I '11 butter what I get, Said Alderman Heygate. Give me some stewed carp, Said Alderman Thorp ; The roe's dry as pith, Said Alderwt'^ Smith. Don't cut so far down, Said Alderman Brown ; But nearer the fin, Said Alderman Glyn. I 've finished, i 'faith, man. Said Alderman Waithman : And I too, i'fatkins. Said Alderman Atkins. They 've crimped this cod droUy, Said Alderman Scholey ; 'T is braised at the ridges. Said Alderman Biydges. Was it caught in a drag ? Nay, Said Alderman Magnay. 'T was brought by two men, Said Alderman Ven- ables : Yes, in a box. Said Alderman Cox. They care not how///r 'tis. Said Alderman Curtis ; From air kept, and from sun, Said Alderman Thompson ; Packed neatly in straw. Said Alderman Shaw : In ice got from (Junter, Said Alderman Huntei". This ketchup is sour. Said Alderman Flower ; Then steep it in claret, Said Alderman Garret. The Jest Book. 85 CCCXCI. — A BROAD HINT. Chari.es II. playinj^ at tennis witli a clean, who stnick the ball well, the kini^ saiil, "That'.s aj^ool stroke for a dean," — " I '11 give it the stroke of a bishop if your Maj- esty pleases," was the suggestive rejoinder. CCC.XCII. — VAILS TO SERVANTS. To such a height had arrived the custom of giving vails, or visiting-fees, to servants, in 1762, that Jonas Ilanway published uj^on the subject eight letters to the Duke of N , su|>posed to be the Duke of Newcastle. Sir Thomas Waldo related to Ilanway, that, on leaving the house of the Duke alluded to, after having feed a train of other servants, he (.Sir Thomas) jiut a crown into the hand of the cook, who returned it, saying, " Sir, I do not take silver." — " Don't you, indeed !" said the baronet, put- ting it into his pocket ; " then / do." CCC.XCIII. — QUITE TRUE. Avarice is criminal poverty. CCC.\CIV. — CONGRATUL.VnoN TO ONE WHO CURLED HIS HAIR. " I '.M very glad," to E — b — h said His brother exquisite. Macassar Draper, " That 't is the oiticr product of your head. And not the inner, you commit to paper !" CCCXCV. — THE POLITE SCHOLAR. A SCHOLAR and a courtier meeting in the street, seemed to contest the wall. Says the courtier, " I do not use to give every coxcomb the wall." The scholar answered, " But I do, sir ;" and so passed by him. CCC.XCVI. — A COOL HAND. An old deaf beggar, whom Collins the painter was once engaged in sketching at licndon, exhibited great self- possession. Finding, from certain indications, that the body and garments of this English Edie Ochiltree afforded 86 The Jest Book. a sort of pasture-ground to a herd of many animals of minute size, he hinted his fears to the old man that he might leave some of his small body-guard, behind him. " No fear, sir ; no fear," replied this deaf and venerable vagrant, contemplating the artist with serious serenity; " I don't think they are any of them likely to leave nie iox yoii." CCCXCVII. — QUID PRO QUO. A PHYSICIAN of an acrimonious disposition, and hav- ing a thorough hatred of lawyers, reproached a barrister with the use of phrases utterly unintelligible. " For ex- ample," said he, " I never could understand what you lawyers mean by docking an entail." — "That is veiy likely," answered the lawyer, " but I will explain it to you : it is doing what you doctors never consent to, — suffer- ing a recovery.''^ CCCXCVIII. — RECRUITING SERJEANT AND COUNTRYMAN. A RECRUITING Serjeant addressing an honest country bumpkin with, — " Come, my lad, thou 'It fight for thy King, won't thou ? " — " Voight for my King," answered Hodge, "why, has heyJnc;/ out wi' ony body ? " CCCXCIX. — AN ANECDOTE. E — D — N was asked by one of note, Why merit he did not promote ; " For this good reason," answered he, " 'Cause 7nerif ne'er promoted me." CD. — DIDO. Of this tragedy, the production of Joseph Reed, author of the "Register Office," Mr. Nicholls, in his "Literary Anecdotes," gives some curious particulars. He also relates an anecdote of Johnson concerning it: "It hap- pened that I was in Bolt Court on the day that Hender- son, the justly celebrated actor, was first introduced to Dr. Johnson : and the conversation turning on dramatic sub- jects, Henderson asked the Doctor's opinion of "Uido" and its author. "Sir," said Johnson, "I never did the man an injury, yet he loonld read his tragedy to jue.^'' The Jest Book. 87 CDI. — EXTREME SIMPLICITY. A COUNTRYMAN took his seat at a tavern-table opposite to a gentleman who was indulging in a bottle of wine. Suj^posing tlie wine to be common properly, our unsophis- ticated country friend helped himself to it with the gentleman's glass. " That's cool !" exclaimed the owner of tlie wine, intlignantly. " V'cs," replied the other ; " I should think there was ice in it." CDII. — NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH. During a recent representation of King Lear at one of our metrojiolitan theatres, an old gentleman from the coun- try, who was visibly affected by the jiathos of some of the scenes, electrified the house by roaring out, " Mr. Man- ager ! .Sir ! .\lter tlie play ! I did n't pay my money to be made xui-ctclicd in this way. Give us somelliing funny, or r 11 sununons you, sir ! " CDin. — AS YOU LIKE IT. An old sea captain used to say he didn't care how he dressed when abroad, " because wc/w/r knew him." And he didn't care how he dressed when at home, "because every body knew him." CDIV. — AN UPRIGHT MA.NT. Erskine was once retained for a Mr. Bolt, whose character was impugned by Mr. Mingay, the counsel on the other side. " Gentlemen," said Erskine, in reply, "the ]ilaintiff's counsel has taken unwarrantable liberties with my client's good name, rejiresenting him as litigious and unjust. So far, however, from this being his char- acter, he goes by the name of Bolt upright." CDV. — THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON AND THE AURIST. On one occasion the Duke's deafness was alluded to by Lady A , who asked if she was silting on his right side, and if he had benefited by the operations which she heard had been performed, and had been so painful to him. He said, in reply, that the gentleman had been bold 88 The Jest Book. enough to ask him for a certificate, but that he had really been of no service to him, and that he could only answer him by saying, "I tell you what, I 7vont say a word about it." CDVI. — TRUTH NOT ALWAYS TO BESPOKEN. If a man were to set out calling eveiything by its right name, he would be knocked down before he got to the corner of the street. CDVII. — ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY. (To those in want of employment. ) Whoe'er will at the " Gloucester's Head " apply, Is always sure to find a vacmtcy. CDVIII. — A "DOUBLE TIMES." A HUGE, double-sheeted copy of the Times newspaper was put into the hands of a member of the Union Club by one of the waiters. "Oh, what a bore all this is,'' said the member, surveying the gigantic journal. " Ah," answered another member, who overheard him, "it is all very well for you who are occupied all day with business bore ; but to a man living in the countiy, — it is equal to a day s fishing.'''' CDIX. — PARTNERSHIP DISSOLVED. Dr. Parr had a high opinion of his own skill at whist, and could not even patiently tolerate the want of it in his partner. Being engaged with a party in which he was un- equally matched, he was asked by a lady how the fortune of the game turned, when he replied, " Pretty well, madam, considering that I have three adversaries." CDX. — EPIGRAM. (On the depth of Lord arguments.) Yes, in debate we must admit. His argument is quite profound ; His reasoning 's deep, for deuce a bit Can anybody see the ground. The Jest Book. 89 CnXI. — A SEASONABLE JOKE. Theodore Hook, being in company, where he said something humorous in rhyme to every person present, on Mr. Winter, the late Sohcitor of Taxes, being announced, made the following impromptu : — Here comes Mr. Winter, collector of taxes, I advise you to give him whatever he axes ; 1 advise you to give it without any flummery, P'or though his name 's IVintcr, his actions are summary. CDXII. — EPIGRAM. (On the immortality of — ■ — 's speeches.) Thy speeches are immortal, O my friend, For he that hears them — hears them to no end. CDXIII. — A considerate SON. A WITCH, l)eing at the stake to he burnt, saw her son there, and desired him to give her some drink. "No, mother," said he, " it would do you wrong, for the drier you are, the better you will burn." CDX IV.— DANGEROUSLY WELL. ToRD Byron, in reference to a lady he thought ill of, writes, " Lady has been dangerously ill ; but it may console you to learn that she is dangerously well again." CDXV. — EPIGRAM. (On Lord E — nb h's pericranium.) Let none because of its abundant locks. Deceive themselves by thinking for a minute. That dandy E — nb h's "knowledge-box" Has anything worth larceny within it. CDXVL — A NEW SCHOLAR. A Californian gold digger having become rich, de- sired a friend to procure for him a libraiy of books. The 90 The Jest Book. friend obeyed, and received a letter of thanks thus word- ed : "I am obliged to you for the pains of your selec- tion. I particularly admire a grand religious poem about Paradise, by a Mr. Milton, and a set of plays (quite de- lightful) by a Mr. Shakespeare. If these gentlemen should inrite and publish anything more, be sure and send tne their new works." CDXVII. — PUTThMG A STOP TO PILGRIM's PROGRESS. Jemmy Gordon, meeting the prosecutor of a felon, named Pilgrim, who was convicted and sentenced to be transported at the Cambridge assizes, exclaimed, " You have done, sir, what the Pope of Rome could never do ; you have put a stop to Pilgrim^ s Progress ! " CDXVIII. — EPIGRA^f. Life is a lottery where we find That fortune plays full many a prank ; And when j.oor got his mind, 'T was fortune made him draiu a blank. CDXIX. — A SUDDEN CHANGE. One drinking some beer at a petty ale-house in the country, which was very strong of the hops and hardly any taste of the malt, was asked by the landlord, if it was not well hopped. " Yes," answered he, "if it had hopped a little farther, it would have hopped into the wa- ter.'' CDXX. — valuable DISCOVERY. A RECENT philosopher discovered a method to avoid 1)e- ing dunned ! " How — how — how ? " we hear everybody asking. He never run in debt. CDXXI. — A USEFUL ALLY. "Cracked China mended!" Zounds, man, off this minute ! There 's work for you, or else the deuce is in it ! CDXXII. — TWO SIDES TO A SPEECH. Charles Lamb sitting next some chattering woman at The Jest Book. gi dinner, observincj he difl n't attend to her, "You don't seem," said the lady, "to be at all the better for what I am saying to you ! " — "No, ma'am," he answered, "but this gentleman on the other side of me must, for it all came in at one ear and went out at the other ! " CDXXIII. — WILKIF.S SIMPLICrTY. On the birth of a friend's son (now a well-known novel- ist) , Sir David Wilkie was requested to become one of the sponsors for his child. Sir David, whose studies of hu- man nature extended to everything but infant human na- ture, had evidently been refreshing his boyish recollections of puppies and kittens ; for, after looking intently into the child's eyes, as it was held up for his inspection, he ex- claimed to the father, with serious astonishment and satis- faction, " lie sees !" CDXXIV. — RINGING THE CHANGES. At a tavern one niglit, Messrs. More, Strnnj^e, and IVr/j^ht Met to drink, and good thoughts to exchange : Says More, "Of us three. The whole town will agree. There is only one knave, and that 's Strange.'" " Yes," says Strange ( rather sore), " 1 'ni sure there 's one J/ore, A most terrible knave and a bite, Who cheated his mother. His sister and brother." — "O yes," replied More, "that is IVrig/it." CDXXV. — KNOWING HIS MAN. A MAN was brought before Lord Mansfield, charged with stealing a silver ladle, and the counsel for the crown was rather severe ujion the prisoner for Ijcing an attorney. " Come, come," said his lordship, "don't exaggerate mat- ters ; if the fellow had been (/;/ attorney, he would have stolen the bowl as well as the ladle. " 92 The Jest Book. CDXXVI. — A SMALL GLASS. The manager of a Scotch theatre, at which F. G. Cooke was playnig Macbeth, seeing him greatly exhausted towards the close of the performance, offered him some whiskey in a veiy small thistle-glass, saying at the same time, by way of encouragement, " Take that, Mr. Cooke ; take that, sir ; it is the real mountain dew ; that will never hurt you, sir ! " — " A'ot if it loas vitriol ! " was the rejoin- der. CDXXVII. — DOMESTIC ECONOMY. The following bill of fare ( which consists of a dish of fish, a joint of meat, a couple of fowls, vegetables, and a pudding, being in all seven dishes for sevenpence ! ) had its rise in an invitation which a r(W«^ lady of forty-seven sent to her lover to dine with her on Christmas Day. To unite taste and economy is no easy thing ; but to show her lover she had learned that difficult art, she gave him the following dinner : — At top, fish, two herrings o Middle, one ounce and a half of butter, melted O Bottom, a mutton chop, divided ... o On one side, one pound of small potatoes o On the other side, pickled cabbage . . o First remove, two larks, plenty of crumbs o Mutton removed, French-ioll boiled for a pudding . . - o Parsley for garnish o s. d. O I O ol O 2 O o.^ o ok o II o o^ o oi ;^o o 7 ■ Seven dishes for sevenpence CDXXVIIL — AN EMPTY HEAD. Of a light, frivolous, flighty girl, whom Jerrold met frequently, he said, "That girl has no more head than a periwinkle." CDXXIX. — A BAD LABEL. Tom bought a gallon of gin to take home ; and, by way T/ie Jest Book. 93 of a label, w rote his name upon a card, which happened lu be the seven of clubs, and tied it to the handle. A friend comiiijj along, and observing the jug, quietly re- marked : " 'I'liat 's an awful careless way to leave that liquor!" — ^" Why? "said Tom. " Hecause somebody might come along with the eii^lit of clubs and take it ! " CDXXX. — ".-vye! there's the rub." .\ centi.eman, ]ilayingat ]Mquet, was much teased by a looker-on wlio w as short-sighted, and, having a vei"y long nose, greatly incommoded the player. To get rid of the annoyance, the player took out his handkerchief, and ap- plied it^to the nose of his officious neighbor. " Ah ! sir," said he, " I beg your pardon, but I really took it for my 07011. " CDXXXI. — MORAL EQUALITY OF NL\N. All honest men, whether counts or cobblers, are of the same rank, if classed by moral distinctions. CDXXXU. — A SILK GOWN'. CDXXXIIL — EPIGRAM BY A PLUCKED MAN. Every Cantab, it is presumed, knows where Shelford Fen is, and that it is famous for rearing geese. A luck- less wight, who had the misfortune to be />/iu-/.v- shoes for all the world ! " CDLXX. — ON PRIDE. FiTSMALL, who drinks with knights and lords, To steal a share of notoriety. Will tell you in important words, He mixes in the best society. CULXXI. — BLACK LETTER. An old friend of Charles Lamb having been in vain tr)-- ing to make out a black-letter text of Chaucer in the Temple Library, laid down the precious volume, and with an erudite look told Laml) that "in those old books. I02 The Jest Book. Charley, there is sometimes a deal of very indifferent spell- CDLXXII. — A HIATUS. " Did you not on going down find a party in your kitchen ? " asked an underbred barrister of a witness. " A tea-party, Mr ? " mildly interposed Judge Maule. CDLXXIII. — A REASONABLE REQUEST. An officer advising his general to capture a post, said : " It will only cost a few men." — " Will^yw^ make one of the few ? " remarked the general. CDLXXIV. — A STRIKING POINT. When Mr. Gulley, the ex-pugilist, was elected Mem- ber for Pontefract, Gilbert A'Beckett said : "Should any opposition be manifested in the House of Commons towards Mr. Gulley, it is very probable the noes {nose) will have it." CDLXXV. — very pretty. One day, just as an English officer had arrived at Vienna, the empress knowing that he had seen a certain princess much celebrated for her beauty, asked him if it was really true that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. "I thought %o yesterday,'" he replied. CDLXXVI. — AN ODD BIRD. A late Duke of Norfolk had a fancy for owls, of which he kept several. He called one, from the resemblance to the Chancellor, Lord Thurlow. The duke's solicitor was once in conversation with his grace, when, to his surprise, the owl-keeper came up and said, " Please you, my lord, Lord Thurlow's laid an egg.''' CDLXXV 11. — INQUESTS EXTRAORDINARY. Found dead, a rat — no case could sure be harder; Verdict — Confined a week in Eldon's larder. Died, Sir Charles Wetherall's laundress, honest Sue; Verdict — Ennui — so little work to do. The Jest Book. 103 CDLXXVIII. — " I 'VE DONE THE SAME THFNG OFTEN." A Mr. Jo}{\ Smith, who is described, evidently not uitiiout reason, as a "fast" tallcer, gave the following de- scription of the lilowing up of a steamboat on the Missis- sippi : " I had landed at Helena for a minute to drop some letters into the post-oflice, when all of a sudden I heard a tremendous explosion, and, looking up, saw that the sky was for a minute darkened with arms, legs, and other small bits and scraps of my fellow-travellers. Amongst an uncommonly ugly medley, I spied the second clerk, about one hundred and fifty feet above my own level. I recognized him at once, for ten minutes before I had been sucking a sherry-col^bler with him out of the same rummer. Well, I watched him. He came down through the roof of a shoemaker's shop, and landed on the floor close by the shoemaker, who was at work. The clerk, being in a hurr\', jumped up to go to the assistance of the other sufferers, when the ' man of wax ' demanded five hundred dollars for the damage done to his roof. ' Too higli,' replied the clerk ; 'never paid more than two hun- dred and fifty dollars in my life, and I've done the same thing often.'" CDLXXI.X. — CONFIDENCE. " Why," said a country clergyman to one of his flock, "do you always sleep in your pew when I am in the pul- pit, while you arc all attention to even' stranger I in- vite?" — "Because, sir," was the reply, "when yon preach I 'm sure all 's right, but I can 't trust a stranger without keeping a good look-out. " CDLXXX. — THE CUT INFERNAL. Said Wetherall the other night Of : " He's the silliest elf I ever kne7v." Sir Charles was right, For no one ever knoios himself. CDLXX.XI. — FEELING HIS WAY. " Uncle," said a young man (who thought that his guardian supplied him rather sparingly with pocket-money), I04 The Jest Book. "is the Queen's head still on the sovereign?" — "Of course it is, you stupid lad ! Why do you ask that? " — " Because it is now such a length of time since / jaw atiating on the merits of the French language to Mr. Canning, he exclaimed : " Why, what on earth, sir, can be e.\])ected of a language which has but one word for likiiitr and loritig, and puts a fine woman and a leg of mutton on a par: — yaime Julie; y'aime tin gigot! " DIX. — EPIGRAM. (On the alleged disinterestedness of a certain Prelate. ) He says he don't think of himself, And I 'm to believe him inclined ; For by the confession, tiie elf Admits that he 's out of his mind. DX. — CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP. A COUNTRY schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial, and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys were late, and were called up to account for it. " You must have heard tlie bell, boys; why did you not come?" — "Please, sir," said the favorite, " I was dreaming that I was going to Margate, and I thought the school-bell was the steam- boat-bell. " — "Very well," said the master, glad of any pretext to excuse his favorite. "And now, sir," turning no The Jest Book. to the other, "what have you to say?" — "Please, sir," said the puzzled boy, "/ — / — ivas waiting to see Tom^ off!" DXI. — ANTICIPATION. Lord Avondale, Chief Baron of the Exchequer, was much given to anticipation. A lawyer once observed in his presence, "Coming through the market just now I saw a butcher, with his knife, going to kill a calf; at tliat moment a child ran across him, and he killed " "O, my goodness! — he killed the child!'''' exclaimed his lordship. "No, my lord, the calf; but you will al- ways anticipate. " DXII. — THE BEST JUDGE. A LADY said to her husband, in Jerrold's presence : — " My dear, you certainly want some new trousers."' — " No, I think not," replied the husband. "Well," Jerrold interposed, "I think the lady who always wears them ought to know." DXin. — THE RIVALS. A good stoiy of Gibbon is told in the last volume of Moore's Memoirs. The dramatis persottcB were Lady Elizabeth Foster, Gibbon the historian, and an eminent French physician, — the historian and doctor being rivals in courting the lady's favor. Lnpatient at Gibbon's occu- pying so much of her attention by his conversation, the doctor said crossly to him," Quand milady Elizabeth Foster sera malade de vos fadaises, je la giierirai" [When my Lady Elizabeth Foster is made ill by your twaddle, I will cure her.] On which Gibbon, drawing himself up grand- ly, and looking disdainfully at the physician, replied, " Quand milady Elizabeth Foster sera morte de vos recettes, je rim-mor-taliserai.''' [When my Lady Elizabeth Foster is dead from your recipes I will immortalize her.] DXIV. — DEAD LANGUAGE. Among the many English who visited Paris in 1815 was Alderman Wood, who had previously filled the office of The yest Book. Ill Lord Mayor of London. lie ordered a hundred visitinj^ cards, inscrihini; upon tliem. " Alderman Wood, feu Loi-d Afaire de LoiK/res" wh^hhit distriliuted amongst people of rank, having translated the word " late " into "ylv/," which we need hardly state means " dead." DXV. — WALPOLIAN A. Sir John Germain was so ignorant, that he is said to have left a legacy to Sir Matthew Decker, as the aiilhor of St. Matthew's Gospel. Churchill (General C , a natural son of the Marl- borough family) asked Pulteney the other day, " Well, Mr. I'uheney, will you break me, too? " — " No, Charles," replied he, "^w/ /';<•(?/■ fast enough of yourself ! " Don't you think it hurt him more than the other breaking would ? Walpole was plagued one morning with that oaf of un- licked antiquity, Prideaux, and his great boy. He talked through all Italy, and everything in all Italy. Upon men- tioning Stosch, Wal])ole asked if he had seen his collection. He replied, very few of his things, for he did not like his company ; that he never heard so much heathenish talk in his days. Walpole inquired what it was, and found that Stosch had one day said before him, that the soul was only a little glue. D.KVI. —A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE. A CLERGYMAN, who liad to preach before Archbishop Whately, begged to be let off, saying, " I hope your Grace wiJl excuse my j^reaching next Sunday." — "Cer- tainly," said the other indulgently. Sunday came, and the archbishop said to him, " Well ! Mr. , what be- came of you? we expected you to preach to-day." — "Oh, your Grace said you would excuse my preaching to-day." — " Exactly ; but I did not say I would excuse you from preaching." DXVII. — EPIGRAM. (On Mr. Croker's reputation for being a wag.) They say his ti'/'/'j refitted '. Thus is explained The seeming myster)' - his u-it is straitted. ii2 The Jest Book. DXVIII. — A NICE DISTINCTION. "What is the difference," asked Archbishop Whately of a young clergyman he was examining, " between a form and a ceremony ? The meaning seems nearly the same ; yet there is a very nice distinction." Various answers were given. "Well," he said, "it lies in this: you sit upon a.for>/i, but you stand upon ceremony.'^ DXIX. — LATE DINNER. Some one remarking that the dinner hour was always getting later and later, " Ay,"' quoth Rogers, " it will soon end in our not dining till to->iion-oii'." DXX. — AN OLD JOKE. As a wag at a ball, to a nymph on each arm Alternately turning, and thinking to charm. Exclaimed in these words, of which Quin was the giver — " Vou 're my Gizzard, my dear ; and, my love, you 're my Liver." " Alas ! " cried the Fair on his left — "to what use ? For you never saw either seiT'ed up witii a goose ! " D.XXL — TIME WORKS WONDERS. A GENTLEMAN dining at a hotel, whose servants were "few and far between," despatched a lad among them for a cut of beef. After a long time the lad returned, and was asked by the faint and hungry gentleman, "Are you the lad who took away my plate for this beef?" — " Yes, sir." — " Bless me," resumed the hungry wit, "how you have gro7uit l'' DXXII. — A NOVEL IDEA. "Morrow's Library "is the Mudie of Dublin; and the Rev. Mr. Day, a popular preacher. " How inconsist- ent," said Archbishop Whately, "is the piety of certain ladies here. They go to Day for a sermon and to Mor- row for a novel ! " DXXIII. — THE SPIRIT AND THE LETTER. A MAN was described in a ]ilca as "I. Jones," and the The Jest Book. 113 ])lcader referred in another ]iart of the plea to " I " as an "initial." '!"he plaintiff said that the plea was bad, be- cause " I " was not a name. Sir W. Maule said that there was no reason why a man mii;hl not be christened "I " as well as Isaac, inasmuch as either could be pro- nounced alone. The counsel for tiie jjlaintiff tlicn objected that the plea admitted that " I " was not a name by de- scribing it as "an initial." — "Yes," retorted the judge, ^' but it does not aver that it is not a final as well as an initial letter. " DXXIV. — LOSING .\N I. A M.-VN being interrogated on a trial, spoke several words with much impropriety ; and at last saying the word ciirosity, a counsellor exclaimed, "How that fellow mur- ders the English language ! " — " Nay," returned another, "he has only knocked an /out." D.XXV. — DRIVING IT HOME. The late James Fergusson, Clerk of Session, a most genial and amialjle man, of whose j^eriodical fits of ab- sence most edifying stories are still repeated by his friends, was an excellent and eloquent speaker, but in truth, there was often more sound than matter in his orations. He had a habit of lending emphasis to his arguments by vio- lently beating with his clenclied hand the bar before which he pleaded. Once when staling a case to Lord Polkem- met, with great energy of action, his lordship interposed, and exclaimed, "Maister Jemmy, dinna dunt ; ye think ye 're duntin 't ifito me, and ye 're just duntin't out o' me." DXXVI. — THE EMPTY GUN. As Dick and Tom in fierce dispute engage, And, face to face, the noisy contest wage ; " Don't cock your chin at me," Dick smartly cries. "Fear not — his head 's not charged,"' a friend replies. DXXVII. -^A PIECE OF PLATE. .\ YOUNG actor having played a part tolerably well, KUiston one evening called him into the green-room, antl 114 ^^'■'^ J"-'^^ Book. addressed him to this effect : " Young man, you have not only pleased the public, but you have pleased me ; and, as a slight token of my regard and good wishes, I beg your acceptance of a ^maW piece of plate. '^ It was, beyond all question, a very small piece, for it was a silver toothpick ! DXXVIII. — EPISCOPAL SAUCE. At a dinner-party Archbishop Whately called out sud- denly to the host, "Mr. !" There was silence. " Mr. , what is the proper female companion of this John Dory?" After the usual number of guesses an an- swer came, ^^ Anne Chozy.'''' DXXIX. — A GOOD CRITIC. A FRIEND of an artist was endeavoring to persuade him not to bestow so much time upon his works. " You do not'know, then," said he, "that I have a master very difficult to please ? " — " Who ? " — " Myself.'' DXXX. — WILKES'S TERGIVERSATION. Wilkes, one day in his later life, went to Court, when George III. asked him, in a good-natured tone of banter, how his friend Serjeant Glynn was. Glynn had been one of his most furious partisans. Wilkes replied, with affect- ed gravity, "Nay, sire, don't call Serjeant Glynn a friend of mine ; the fellow was a Wilkite, which your Majesty knows / nej()sed to commit himself. "John," says she, "ye maun ]iromise to bury me in the auld kirk-yard at Stra'von liesicle my mither. I couldna rest in peace among unco folk, in the dirt and smoke o' Glasgow." — " Weel, weel, Jenny, my woman," said John soothingly, "we'll just pit you in the Gorbals yf'rj-/', and gin yc dinna lie quiet, we 'II tn' you sine in Stra'von." DLII. — W.\LPOLIANA. Sir Charles Wac.er always said, " that if a sea-fight lastetl three days, he was sure the English suffered the most for the two first, for no oilier nation would stand beating for two days together. " Yesterday we had another hearing of the petition of the merchants, when Sir Roliert Godschall (then Lord May- or) shone brighter than even his usual. There wasacojiy of a letter produced, the original being lost ; he asked whether the copy had been taken before the original was lost, or after ! This gold-chain came into parliament, cried up for his parts, but proves so dull, one would think he chewed opi- iirh. Earl says, " I have heard an oyster speak as well twenty times." DLIII. — NOT POLITE. Mr. P , a candidate for Berksliirc, was said to have admitted his want oi head, by demanding ■^ poll. DLIV. — EXTENU.\TING CIRCUMSTANCES. A CASE of some great offence was tried before Lord Hermand ( who was a great toper), and the counsel pk-ad- ed extenuation for his client in that he was dni)ik when he committed the offence. "Drunk!" exclaimed Lord Hermand, in great indignation ; " if he could do such I20 The Jest Book. a thing when he was drunk, what might he not have done when he was sober?'''' evidently implying that the nor- mal condition of human nature and its most hopeful one, was a condition of intoxication. DLV. — ON MR. husband's MARRIAGE. This case is the strangest we 've known in our life. The husband's a husband, and so is the wife. DLVI. — CONFIDENCE. The first time Jerrold saw a celebrated song-writer, the latter said to him : - " Youngster, have you sufficient confidence in me to lend me a guinea ? " Jerrold. — O yes ; I 've all the confidence, but I have n't the guinea." DLVII. — LADY ANNE. At Portsmouth, during the representation of Richard the Third, on Richard exclaiming, " O, take more pity in thine eyes, and see him here," Miss White, who was in Lady Anne, indignantly exclaimed, " Would they were battle-axes ( basilisks ) to strike thee dead. " DLVIII. — NICE LANGUAGE. A MAN being tried for sheep-stealing, evidence was giv- en that he had been seen washing tripe. The counsel for the Crown, in examining the witness, observed with ill- timed indelicacv, "He was washing /wcv/j- .? " — " Yes, sir. " _ " The bowels of an animal, I suppose ? ' — " Yes, sir." The counsel sits down. Justice Maule:"Pray, was it a tvren's stomach ? " DLIX. — UNPOETICAL REPLY. A HARDY seaman, who had escaped one of the lecent shijjwrecks upon our coast, was asked by a good lady how he felt when the waves broke over him. He replied, " Wet, ma'am, — very wet.'''' The Jest Book. I2I DLX. — IMITATION OF A COW. AFr. James Hoswkli., the friend and biographer of Dr. Johnson, when a youth, went to the pit of Covent Garden Theatre in company with Dr. Blair, and, in a frolic, imi- tated the lowing of a cow ; and the universal cry in the galleries was, " Encore the cow ! Mncore the cow ! " This was complied with, and, in the pride of success, Mr. Bos- well attemjited to imitate some other animals, but with less success. I)r. Blair, anxious for the fame of his friend, addressed him thus : " My dear sir, I would confine my- self to the con:'''' DLXI. — TAKING HIS MEASURE. A CONCEITED packman called at a farm-house in the wet of Scotland, in order to dispose of some of his wares. The goodwife was startled by his southern ac- cent, and his high tallc about \'ork, London, and other big places. "An' whaur come ye frae yersel? " was the question of the gude wife. " Ou ! I am from the Bor- der ! " _ " The Border. Oh ! I thocht that ; for we aye think the selvidge is the wakest bit o' the wab ! " DLXII. - THURLOW AND I'lTT. When the Lord Chancellor Thurlow was supposed to be on no very friendly terms with the Minister (^Ir. Pitt), a friend asked the latter how Thurlow drew with them. "I don't know," said the Premier, "how he draws, but he has not refused his oats yet. " DLXIII. — EPIGR.\M. (On Lord 's delivering his speeches in a sitting position, owing to excessive gout. ) In asserting that Z. is with villany rife, I very much doubt if llie Whigs misreport him ; Since tico members attached to his person through life. Have, on recent occasions, refused to support him. DLXIV. — A H.A.PPY MAN. Lord M had a very exalted opinion of his own 122 The Jest Book. cleverness, and once made the following pointed remark : " When I happen to say a foolish thing, I always burst out a laughing ! " — " I envy you your happiness, my lord, tiien," said Charles Townshend, "for you must certainly live the merriest life of any man in Europe." DLXV. — VULGAR ARGUMENTS. At a club, of \\hicli Jerrold was a member, a fierce Jacol^ite, and a friend, as fierce, of the cause of William the Third, were arguing noisily, and disturl:)ing less excit- able conversationalists. At length the Jacobite, a brawny Scot, brought his fist down heavily upon the table, and roared at his adversaiy : — "I tell you what it is, sir, I spit upon your King Wil- liam ! " The friend of the Prince of Orange was not to be out- mastered by mere lungs. He rose, and roared back to the Jacobite : — " And I, sir, spit upon your James the Second ! " Jerrold, who had been listening to the uproar in silence, hereupon rung the bell, and shouted : — " Waiter, spittoons for tioo !" DLXVI. — A CLEAR CASE. Mr. Justice Maule would occasionally tax the pow- ers of country juries. Ex. s^r. " Gentlemen," said the judge, "the learned counsel is perfectly right in his law, there is some evidence upon that point ; but he 's a lawyer, and you 're not, and you don't know what he means by some evidence, so 1' 11 tell you. Suppose there was an action on a l)il] of exchange, and six peo]ile swore liiey saw the defendant accept it, and six others swore they lieard him say lie should have to pay it, and six others knew him intimately, and swore to his handwriting ; and suppose on the other side they called a poor old man who had been at school with tlie defendant forty years before and had not seen him since, and he said he rather thought the acceptance was not his writing, wliy there 'd be some evidence that it was not, and that's what Mr. means in this case." Need we add that the juiy retired to con- sider their verdict ? Tiie Jest Book. 123 DLXVII. — THE LATIN TOR COLD. A SCHOOLMASTER asked one of his scholars in the win- t.T time, what was the Latin for cold. "O sir," an- swered the lad, " I forget at this moment, although I have it at my Jingers^ 01(15." DLXVIII. — ^ PIECE DE RESISTANCE. "Do come and dine with me," said John to Pat: " you must ; though I have only a nice piece of beef and some ])Otatoes for you." — "O my dear fellow! don't make the laist apology about the dinner, it 's the very same I should have had at liomc, barriii' the beef." DLXIX. — LAMB AND ERSKINE. Counsellor Lamu, an old man when Lord Erskine was in the height of his reputation, was of timid and ner- vous disposition, usually prefacing his pleadings with an apology to that effect ; and on one occasion, when oji- posed, in some cause, to Erskine, he happened to remark that " he felt himself growing more and more timid as he grew older." — " No wonder," replied the relentless bar- rister ; "every one knows the older a lamb grows, the more sheepish he becomes." DLXX. — TRUE WIT. True wit is like the brilliant stone Dug from Golconda's mine ; Which boasts two various powers in one, To cut as well as shine. Genius, like that, if polished right. With the same gifts abounds ; Api">cars at once both keen and bright, And sparkles while it wound-;. DLXXL — ORDER ! ORDER ! A B.VRRISTER opened a case somewhat confusedly. Mr. Justice Maulc interrupted him. " I wish, Mr. , you would jiut your facts in some order ; chronological or- der is the best, but I am not particular. Any order you like — alphabetical order." 124 ^^''' y^^ Book. DLXXII. — THEATRICAL WIT. Hatton, who was a considerable favorite at the Hay- market Theatre, and particularly in the part of Jack Junk, was one night at Gosport, performing the character of Barbafossa. In the scene where the tyrant makes love to Zapphira, and reminds her of his services against the ene- mies of her kingdom, he was at a loss, and could not catch the word from the prompter , when, seeing the house crowded with sailors, and regardless of the gross anach- ronism, he exclaimed, with all the energy of tragedy — " Did not I, By that brave knight Sir Sidney Smith assisted, And in conjunction with the gallant Nelson, Drive Bonaparte and his fierce marauders From Egypt's shores ? " The jolly tars thought that it was all in his part, and cheer- ed the actor with three rounds of applause. ULXXIII. — THE cut DIRECT. A GENTLEMAN having his hair cut, was asked by the garrulous operator "how he would have it done?" — " If possible," replied the gentleman, "/;/ silence.'''' DLXXIV. — BUSY BODIES. A MASTER of a ship called out, " Who is below?" A boy answered, " Will, sir." — " What are you doing?" — "Nothing, sir."— "Is Tom there?" —■"' Yes," said Tom. "What zxa you doing?" — "Helping Will, sir." DLXXV. — THE HOPEFUL PUPIL. When the comedy of " She Stoops to Conquer " was in rehearsal. Goldsmith took great pains to give the perform- ers his ideas of their several parts. On the first represen- tation he was not a little displeased to hear the represen- tative of Young Marlow play it as an Irishman. As soon as Marlo7v came off the stage. Goldsmith asked him the meaning of this, as it was by no means intended as an Irish character. " Sir," replied the comedian, " I spoke it as nearly as I could to the manner in which you instruct- The Jest Book. 125 ed me, except that I did not give it quite so strong a bro^iicy DLXXVr. — THE FORCE OF HABIT. A TOPING bookseller presented a check at the bank- ing-house of Sir W. Curtis and Co., and upon the cash- ier putting the usual question, "How will you have it?" replied, '•'Cold, n'ithout sui;ar." DLXXVII. —NOTICE TO QUIT. An Ayrshire gentleman, when out on the ist of Septem- ber, having failed time after time in bringing down a sin- gle binl, had at last pointed out to him by his attendant bag-carrier, a large covey, thick and close on the stubbles. " Noo ! .Mr. Jeems, let drive at them, just as they are 1 " Mr. Jeems did let drive, as advised, but all flew off, safe and sound. " Ilech, sir ( remarks his friend ), but ye 've made thae yins shift their (jnartcrs."' DLXXVII I. — -V LITERAL JOKE. Lord Eldon always pronounced the word lien as though it were lyon ; and Sir .Arthur Pigot pronounced the same word lean. On this Jekyll wrote the following epigram : — " Sir .\rlhur. Sir .\rthur, why, what do you mean. By saying the Chancellor's lion is lean ! D 'ye think thai his kitchen 's so bad as all that, That nothing within it will ever get fat?" DLX.XIX. — AN ARGUMENT. Says P — 1 — s, "Why the Bishops are By nature meant tiie soil to share, I '11 tpiickly make you understand ; For can we not deduct with ease, That nature has designed the seas Expressly to divide the land?" DLXXX. — THE CANDLE AND LANTERN. During the period Sir Busick Harwood was Professor of Anatomv in the University of Cambridge, he was called 126 The Jest Book. in, in a case of some difficulty, by the friends of a patient, who were anxious for his opinion of the malady. Being told the name of the medical man who had previously pre- scribed. Sir Busick exclaimed, "He! if he were to de- scend into the patient's stomach with a candle and lantern, when he ascended he would not be able to name the com- plaint. " DLXXXI. — ONE HEAD BETTER THAN A DOZEN. King Henry VHL, designing to send an embassy to Francis I. at a veiy dangerous juncture, the nobleman se- lected begged to be excused, saying, " Such a threatening message to so hot a prince as Francis I. might go near to cost him his life." — " Fear not," said old Harry, "if the French king should take away your life, I will take off the heads of a dozen Frenchmen now in my power." — " But of all these heads," replied the nobleman, " there may not be one to fit my shoulders." DLXXXH. — keeping A CONSCIENCE. The great controversy on the propriety of requiring a subscription to articles of faith, as practised by the Church of England, excited at this time ( 1772 ) a very strong sen- sation amongst the members of the two univei'sities. Pa- ley, when pressed to sign the clerical petition which was ])resented to the House of Commons for relief, excused himself, saying, " He could not afford to keep a con- science." DLXXXIII. — DEBTOR AND CREDITOR. A TRADESMAN having dunned a customer for a long time, the debtor at last desired his servant one morning to admit him. "My friend," said he to him, "I think you are a veiy honest fellow, and I have a great regard for you ; therefore, I take this opportunity to tell you, that as I shall never pay you a farthing, you had better go home, mind your business, and don't lose your time by calling here. As for the otliers, they are a set of vagabonds, for whom / have no affection, and they may waste their time as they ])lease. " The Jest Book. 127 DLXXXIV. — PORTMANTEAU V. TRUNK. Serjeant Win iakkk, one of the most eminent law- yers of his (lay, was an eccentric. A friend, at one of tiie assize towns, offered him a bed, and the next morninij asived him if lie had found himself comfortable and warm. " Ves, madam," replied the serjeant ; "yes, pretty well, on the whole. At first I felt a little queer for want of Mrs. Whitaker ; but recollectin;,^ that my portmanteau was in the room, I threw it behind my back, and it did every bit as well. " DLXXXV. — SEEING A CORONATION. A SAD mistake was once made at court by the beautiful and celebrated Duchess of Hamilton. .Shortly before the death of George II., and whilst he was greatly indisposed, Miss Gunning, upon becoming Duchess of Hamilton, was presented to his majesty. The king, who was particularly pleased with the natural eliigance and artlessness of her manner, indulged in a long conversation with her grace. In the course of this lete-a-tete the duchess said, with great animation, " I have seen everything ! There is only one thing in this world I wish to see, and I do long so much to see that ! " The curiosity of the monarch was so greatly excited to know what this wonderful thing could be, that he eagerly asked her what it was. " A coronation," re- plied the thoughtless duchess ; nor was she at all conscious of the mistake she iiad made, till the king took her hand with a sigh, and with a melancholy expression rejilied, " I apprehend you have not long to wait ; you will soon have your wish.'''' Her grace was overwhelmed with confu- sion. DLXXXVI. — hook's POLITENESS. Hook was once observed, during dinner, nodding like a Chinese mandarin in a tea-shop. On being asked the reason, he replied, " Why when no one else asks me to take cham])agne, I take sherry with the epergne, and bow to the flowers." 128 The Jest Book. DLXXXVII. — ON napoleon's STATUE AT BOULOGNE TURNED, BY DESIGN OR ACCIDENT, WITH ITS BACK TO ENGLAND. Upon its lofty column's stand Napoleon takes his place : His back still turned u]Don that land That never saw his face. DLXXXVin. — OLD TIMES. A GENTLEMAN in company with Foote, took up a news- paper, saying, " He wanted to see what the ministiy were about." Foote, with a smile, replied, " Look among the robberies.'''' DLXXXIX. — AN ARCADIAN. A LAZY fellow lying down on the grass said, " O, how I do wish that this was called itwrk, and well paid ! " DXC. — JOHNSON AND MRS. SIDDONS. In spite of the ill-founded contempt Dr. Johnson pro- fessed to entertain for actors, he persuaded himself to treat Mrs. Siddons with great politeness, and said, when she called on him at Bolt Court, and Frank, his servant, could not immediately provide her with a chair, " You see, madam, wherever jjw/ go there are no seats to be got." DXCI. — ROWING IN THE SAME BOAT. " We row in the same boat, you know," said a literary friend to Jerrold. This literary friend was a comic writer, and a comic writer only. Jerrold replied, "True, my good fellow, we do row in the same boat, but with veiy different skulls." DXCII. — A GENUINE IRISH BULL. Sir Boyle Roche said, " Single misfortunes never come alone, and the greatest of all possible misfortunes is generally followed by a much greater." The Jest Book. 129 DXCm. — THE RULING PASSION. In llie last illness of George Colman, the doctor being late ill an ap[)oiatment, apologized to his patient, saying tliat he had Ijeen called in to see a man wiio had fallen down a well. " Did he kick the bucket, doctor ? " groaned out poor George. DXCIV. — EPIGRAM. ( On 's late neglect of his judicial duties. ) Lord 's left his circuit for a day, Wiiich is to me a mystery profound ; He leaves the circuit ! he, of whom they say. That he delights in constant turning round. DXCV. — SHAKESPEARE ILLUSTRATED. DiGNUM and Moses Kean the mimic were both tailors. Charles Bannister met them under the Piazza in Covent Garden, arm-in-arm. "I never see those men together," said he, " but they put mc in mind of .Siiakcspeare's com- edy, Measure for Measure ! " DXCVI. — DEGENERACY. There had been a carousing party at Colonel Grant's, the late Lord Seafield, and two Highlanders were in at- tendance to carry the guests up stairs, it being understood that none could by any other means arrive at their sleeping a])arlments. One or two of llie guests, however, were walking u]) stairs and declined the proffered assistance. The attendants were utterly astonished, and indignantly exclaimed, "Aigh, it 's sare cheenged times at Castle Grant, when gentlemens can gang to bed on their ain feet.'''' DXCVII. — WORTHY OF CREDIT. A GENTLEMAN was ap]ilied to by a crossing-sweeper for charity. The gentleman replied, "I will rememlier you when I return." — "Please your honor," says the man, '' I 'm ruined by the credit I give in that way." 9 130 The Jest Book. DXCVIII. — PAYING IN KIND. A FARMER, having lost some ducks, was asked by the counsel for the prisoner accused of stealing them to de- scribe their peculiarity. After he had done so, the counsel remarked, "They can't be such a rare breed, as I have some like them in my yard."- — "That's very likely," said the farmer ; " these are not the only chicks of the same sort I 've had stolen lately. " DXCIX. — VERY SERIOUS. A REGULAR physician being sent for by a quack, ex- pressed his surprise at being called in on an occasion apparently trifling. " Not so trifling, neither," replied the quack ; "for, to tell you the truth, I have, by mistake, taken some of my cmh pills.'''' DC. — THE LATE LORD AUDLEY. Mr. Philip Thicknesse, father of the late Lord Aud- ley, being in want of money, applied to his son for assist- ance. This being denied, he immediately hired a cobbler's stall, directly opposite his lordship's house, and put up a board, on which was inscribed, in large letters, " Boots and shoes mended in the best and cheapest manner, by Philip Thicknesse, father of Lord Audley." His lord- ship took the hint, and the board was removed. DCI. — DELICATE HINT. Queen Caroline, when Princess of Wales, in one of her shrewd letters, says, '■'■ My better half., or my worse, which you choose, has been ill, I liear, but nothing to make me hope or fear." DCII. — a SCOTCH MEDIUM, After giving Sandy certain directions about kirk mat- ters, the minister sniffed once or twice, and remarked, " Saunders, I fear you have been 'tasting' (taking a glass) this morning." — " 'Deed, sir," rejjlied Sandy, with the coolest effrontery, set off with a droll glance of his brown eyes ; " 'Deed, sir, I was just ga'in' to observe I thocht there was a smell o' speerits aniaiig us this mornin'! " The Jest Book. 131 DCIII. — EPIGRAM. A WATCH lost in a tavern ! That 's a crime ; Then see how men by chinkint,' lose their time. The watch kejil time ; and if time will away, I see no reason wli)- the watch should stay. You say the key hung out, and you failed to lock it ; Time will not he kept pris'ner in a pocket. Henceforth, if you will keep your watch, this do. Pocket your watch, and watch your pocket, too. OCIV. — PERFECT DISCONTENT. An old lady was in the habit of talking to Jerrold in a gloomy dejircssing manner, presenting to him only tiie sad side of life. " Hang it !" said Jerrold, one day, after. a long and sombre interview, "she would n't allow there was a bright side to the moon. " DCV. — A BAD BARGAIN. A MAN bought a horse on condition that he should pay half down, and be in debt for the remainder. .V short time after, the seller demanding payment of the balance, the other answered, " No ; it was agreed that I should be in voiir dd>t for the remainder ; how can that be if I pay it?" DCVI. — A PIOUS MINISTER. If it be tnie that the heads of the countrj- should set religious example to their inferiors, the E — of R , in his observance of one of the commandments, is a pat- tern to the community ; for, not only on the Sabbath, but through the week, he takes care as Postmaster-General to do no manner of ivork. DCVII. — STERNE. Some person remarked to him that apothecaries bore the same relation to physicians that attorneys do to barris- ters. " So they do," said Sterne ; " but apothecaries and attorneys are not alike, for the latter do not deal in scru- ples." 132 The Jest Book. Dcviii. — who's the fool? ■]\Tr. Sergeant Parry, in illustration of a case, told the following anecdote : — .Some merchants went to an Eastern sovereign, and ex- hibited for sale several very fine horses. The king admired them, and bought them ; he, moreover, gave the mer- chants a lac of rupees to purchase more horses for him. The king one day, in a s])ortive humor, ordered the vizier to make out a list of all the fools in his dominions. He did so, and put his Majesty's name at the head of them. The king asked why. He replied, " Because you entrust- ed a lac of rupees to men you don't know, and who will never come back." — " Ay, but suppose they should come back?" — "Then I shall erase your name and insert theirs. " DCIX. — COLD COMFORT. A JURYMAN, kept several days at his own expense, sent a friend to the judge to complain that lie had been paid noth- ing for his attendance. " O, tell him," said the witty judge, " that if ever he should have to go before a jury himself he will get one for nothing. " DCX. — A GREAT DIFFERENCE. "The friends and opponents of the Bill," said a'Beck- ett, "are divided into two very distinct classes, — the a-bility and the no-bility." DCXL — OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE ACTORS. King James had two comedies acted before him, the one at Cambridge, the other at Oxford ; that at Cam- bridge was called Is^noramiis, an ingenious thing, wherein one Mr. Sleep was a principal actor ; the other at Ox- ford was but a dull piece, and therein Mr. Wake was a prime actor. Which made his Majesty merrily to say, that in Caml)ridge one Sleep made him 'wake, and in Oxford one Wake made him sleep. DCXII. — INQUEST — NOT EXTRAORDINARY. Great Bulwer's works fell on Miss Basbleu's head, And in a moment, lo ! the maid was dead ! The Jest Book. 133 A jury sat, ami found the verdict plain — " She died of milk and water on the l>rain." DCXIII. — STRANGE JETSUM. \ THIN old man, with a rag-hai^ in his hand, was picking u]) a number of small pieces of whalebone which lay on the street. The dei)osit was of such a singular nature, that we asked the quaint-looking gatherer how he sup- posed they came there. "Don't know," he repHed, in a scjueaking voice; "but I 'spect some unfortunate female was lonxked hereabout somewhere." DC.\I\'. — THE TRUTH AT LAST. A GOOD instance of absence of mind was an editor quot- ing from a rival paper one of his own articles, and head- ing it, " Wretched Attempt at Wit." DCXV. — A PILL GR.\TIS. A PERSON desirous of impressing Lord Ellenborough with his importance, said, " I sometimes emjiloy myself as a doctor."^ " Veiy likely," remarked his lordship; "but is any one fool enough to employ you in that ca- pacity ? " DCXVI. — RATHER HARD. We are told that a member for old Sarum (consisting of one large mansion) was once in danger of being pelted with stones ; he would have found it hard to have been assailed with his o'tun constituents. DCXVIL — SCOTCH PENETRATION. An old lady who lived not far from Abbotsford, and from \\h(jm the " Great Unknown " had derived many an ancient tale, was waited upon one day by the author of " Waverley." On Scott endeavoring to conceal the au- thorship, the old dame protested, "D'ye think, sir, I dinna ken my ain groats in ither folk's kail?" DC.XVIIL — A QUESTION OF TIME. When Jeremy Taylor was introduced to the Archbishop 134 The Jcsl Book. of Canterbury, he was told by the prelate, that his ex- treme youth was a bar to his present employment. "If your grace," replied Taylor, "will excuse me \l\\i fault, I promise, if I live, to mend it." DCXIX. — EPIGRAM. (On the sincerity of a certain prelate.) 's discourses from his heart Proceed, as eveiybody owns ; And thus they \'>vo\t the poet's art. Who says that "sermons are in stones.^'' DCXX. — CONCURRENT EVENTS. A YOUNG fellow, very confident in his abilities, lament- ed one day that he had tost all his Greek. " I believe it happened at the same time, sir," said Dr. Johnson, " that I lost all my large estate in Yorkshire." DCXXI. — A GOOD EXCUSE. An attorney on being called to account for having act- ed unprofessionally in taking less than the usual fees from his client, pleaded that he had taken all the man had. He was thereupon honorably acquitted. DCXXII. — SHORT AND SHARP. "Why, Mr. B.," said a tall youth to a httle person who was in company with half-a-dozen huge men, " I protest you are so veiy small I did not see you before." " Very likely," replied the little gentleman ; "I am like a sixpence among six copper pennies, — not easily per- ceived, but worth the whole of them. " Dcxxiii. — Ireland's forgery. Says Kemble to Lewis, " Pray what is your play?" Cries Lewis to Kemble, "The Lie of the Day !'"'' "Say you so?" replied Kemble ; '■'■ why, wq aet the same ; But to cozen the town we adopt a iiezv name ; For tliat Vortigcrn 'j Shakespeare's we some of us say, W^hich you very well know is a lie of the day. " The Jest Book. 135 DCXXIV. — A GOOD ONE. Lamb and Coleridj^e were talkiiif^ totjcther on the inci- dents of Coleridi^c's early life, wlien he was V)eginning his career in the church, and Coleridge was describing some of the facts in his usual tone, when he paused, and said, " Pray, Mr. Lamb, did you ever hear me preach? " — "I nrc>er heard you do anything else ! " said Lamb. DCXXV. — A VERY Stupid foreman asked a judge how they were to ignore a bill. " Write Ignoramus for self and fellows on the back of it," said Curran. DCXXVI. — A WORD TO THE WISE. Dr. Balguy, a preacher of great celebrity, after hav- ing preached an excellent discourse at Winchester Cathe- dral, the text of which was, "All wisdom is sorrow," received the following elegant compliment from Dr. Wharton, then at Winchester school : — If what you advance, dear doctor, be true. That " wisdom is sorrow," how wretched are you. Dcxxvii. — hheral gift. A comedian at Covent Garden advised one of the scene-shifters, who had met with an accident, to try a subscription ; and a few days afterwards he asked for the list of names, which, when he had read over, he returned. "Why, sir," says the poor fellow, "won't you give me something?" — "Why. zounds, man," replied the come- dian, "didn't \ g'veyow the hint?" Dcxxviii. — easily answered. A certain Lord Mayor hearing of a gentleman who had had the small-pox twice, and died of it, asked, if he died the first time or the second. DCXXIX. — ON THE LATIN GERUNDS. When Dido mourned, .-Lneas would not come, She wept in silence, and was Di-Do-Ditnib. 136 The Jest Book. DCXXX. —DODGING A CREDITOR. A CREDITOR, whom he -was anxious to avoid, met Sher- idan coming out of I'all Mall. There was no possibility of avoiding him, but he did not lose his presence of mind. " That 's a beautiful mare you are on ! " said Sheridan. "Do you think so?" — "Yes, indeed! how does she trot ? " The creditor, highly flattered, put her into full trot. Sheridan bolted round the corner, and was out of sight in a moment. DCXXXI. — BAD HABIT. Sir Frederick Flood had a droll habit, of which he could never effectually break himself. Whenever a per- son at his back whispered or suggested anything to him whilst he was speaking in public, without a moment's re- flection, he ahvays repeated the suggestion literatim. .Sir Frederick was once making a long s]ieecli in the Irish Parliament, lauding the transcendent merits of the Wex- ford magistracy, on a motion for extending the criminal jurisdiction in that county, to keep down the disaffected. As he was closing a most turgid oration by declaring "that the said magistracy ought to receive some signal mark of the Lord-Lieutenant's favor," John Egan, who was rather mellow, and sitting behind him, jocularly whis- pered, ^'' and be ivhippcd at the cart's tail.'^ — "And be whipped at the cart's tail ! " repeated Sir Frederick un- consciously, amidst peals of uncontrollable laughter. dcxxxii. — who's to blame. King James used to say, that he never knew a modest man make his way in a court. As he was repeating this expression one day, a David Floyd, who was then in wait- ing at his Majesty's elbow, replied bluntly, "Pray, sir, whosQ fault is that ! " The king stood corrected, and was silent. DcxxxiiL — THE letter h. Sir James vScarlett, when at the Bar, had to cross- examine a witness whose evidence it was thought would be veiy damaging, unless he could be bothered a little, and 'Ilic Jest Book. 137 his only vulnerable point was said to be his self-esteem. The witness jiresented himself in the box, — a portly, over- dressed person, — ^ and Scarlett took him in hand. Q. Mr. John Tomiig." DCCXXXV. — A PAT REPLY. Lord J. Russell endeavored to persuade Lord Lang- dale to resign the permanent Mastership of the Rolls for the uncertain position of Lord Chancellor, and paid the learned lord very high compliments on his talent and ac- quirements. "It is useless talking, my lord," said Lang- dale. " So long as I enjoy the Rolls, I care nothing for your butter." DCCXXXVL — LORD NORTH ASLEEP. His Lordship was accustomed to sleep during the Par- liamentary harangues of his adversaries, leaving Sir Grey Cooper to note down anything remarkable. During a debate on ship-building, some tedious speaker entered on an historical detail, in which, commencing with Xoah's Ark, he traced the progress of the art regularly down- wards. When he came to build the Sj^anish Armada, Sir Grey inadvertently awoke the slumbering premier, who inquired at what era the honorable gentleman had arrived. Being answered, " We are now in the reign of Queen Elizabeth," " Dear Sir Grey," said he, " why not let me sleep a century or two more V " DCCXXXVII. — RATHER SAUCY. " Vou had better ask for manners than money," said a finely-dressed gentleman to a beggar who asked for alms. " I asktd for what 1 thought you had the most of," was the cutting reply. DCCXXXVHL — LONG STORY. A LOQUACIOUS lady, ill of a complaint of forty years' standing, applied to Mr. Abernethy for advice, and had II 1 62 The Jest Book. begun to describe its progress from the first, when Mr. A. interrupted her, saying he wanted to go into the next street, to see a patient ; he begged the lady to inform him how long it would take her to tell her story. The answer was, twenty minutes. He asked her to proceed, and hoperl she would endeavor iojintsh by the time he retwned. DCCXXXIX. — EUCLID REFUTED. (A part is not equal to the whole. — Axiom.) This is a vulgar error, as I '11 prove, Or freely forfeit half a pipe of sheri-y ; 'T is plain one sixteenth part of Brougham's sense, Equals the iihole possessed by L — d — d — y. DCCXL. — BRED ON THE BOARDS. When Morris had the Ilaymarket Theatre, Jerrold, on a certain occasion, had reason to find fault with the strength, or rather, the want of strength, of the company. Morris expostulated, and said, "Why there's V , he was bred on these boards ! " — " He looks as though he 'd been cut out of them," replied Jerrold. DCCXLI. — ON THE DULNESS OF A DEBATE IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS. No wonder the debate fell dead 'Neath such a constant fire of lead. DCCXLII. — PAINTING. A NOBLEMAN who was a great amateur painter showed one of his performances to Turner. That great artist said to him, " My lord, you want nothing hvX poverty to become a veiy excellent painter." DCCXLIIL — OLD AGE. A VERY old man, who was commonly very dull and heavy, had now and then intervals of gayety : some person observed, "/z^ resembles aji old castle 7vhich is so?netivies visited by spirits. " The Jest Book. 163 DCCXLIV. — AN EFFORT OF MEMORY. "Would you think it?" said A. to B. "Mr. Ros- cius has taken a week to study a Prologue which I wrote in a day." — " His memory is evidently not so good as yours," replied B. DCCXLV. — A READY RECKONER. A MAN entered a shop, saying he should like a two- penny loaf, wiiich was accordingly placed before him. As if suddenly changing his mind, he declared he should prefer two pen 'orth of whiskey instead. This he drank off, and pushing the loaf towards the shopkeeper, was departing, when demand of payment was made for the whiskey. " Sure, and haven 't T ijivcn ye the loaf for the whiskey ?'' "Well, but you did not pay for the loaf, you know." "Thrue, and why should I? don't you see, I didn't take the loaf, man alive ? " And away he quietly walked, leaving the worthy dealer lost in a brown study. DCCXLVI. — A ROWLAND FOR AN OLIVER. Mr. H.4WKINS, Q. C, engaged in a cause before the late T.ord Campbell, had frequently to mention the damage done to a carriage called a Brougham, and this word he pronounced, according to its orthography, Brojigh- am. " If my learned friend will adopt the vtsual designation, and call the carriage a Bro\jm, it will save the time of the court," said Lord Camiibell, with a smile. Mr. Hawkins bowed and accepted his Lordshi])'s pro- nunciation of the word during the remainder of his speech. When \jQxA Campbell proceeded to sum up the evidence, he had to refer to the Omnibus which had damaged the Bro'am, and in doing so pronoimced the word also, ac- cording to its orthograjihy. " I beg your Ix)rdship's jar- don," said Mr. Hawkins, very respectfully; "but if your Lordship will use the common designation for such a vehicle, and call it a 'Buss — " The loud laughter which ensued, and in which his Lordship joined, prevented the conclusion of the sentence. 1 64 The Jest Book. DCCXLVII. — TRUE POLITENESS. Sir W. G. , when governor of Williamsburg, returned the salute of a negro who w^as passing. " Sir," said a gentleman present, " do you descend to salute a slave ? " — " Why, yes," replied the governor ; " I cannot suffer a man of his condition to exceed me va. good luaimcrs.'^ DCCXLVIII. — A rake's ECONOMY. With cards and dice, and dress and friends, My savings are complete ; T light the candle at both ends. And thus make both ends meet. DCr.XLIX. — EASILY SATISFIED. A COWARDLY fellow having spoken impertinently to a gentleman, received a violent box of the ear. He de- manded whether that was meant in earnest. " Yes, sir," replied the other, without hesitation. The coward turned away, saying, "I am glad of it, sir, for I do not like such jests.'' DCCL. — PERT. Macklin was once annoyed at Foote laughing and talk- ing just as the former was about to begin a lecture. " Well, sir, you seem to be very merry there ; but do you know what I am going to say now ? " asked Macklin. "No, sir," said P'oote, "pray, do you?'''' DCCLI. — A ROYAL MUFF. The following anecdote was told with great glee at a dinner by William IV., then Duke of Clarence : "I was riding in the Park the other day, on the road between Teddington and Hampton-wick, when I was overtaken by a butcher's boy, on horseback, with a tray of meat under his arm. — ' Nice ]iony that of yours, old gentleman,' said he. — ' Pretty fair,' was my reply. — ' Mine 's a good 'un too,' rejoined he ; 'and I '11 trot you to Hampton-wick for a pot o' beer.' I declined the match ; and the butcher's boy, as he stuck his single spur into his horse's side, ex- The Jest Book. 165 claimed, with a look of contempt, ' I thouglit you were only a muff'. ' " DCCLII. — A BROAD HINT. An eminent barrister having a case sent to him for an opinion — -the case being outrageously preposterous — re- plied, in answer to tiie question, " Would an action lie ? " — " Yes, if the witnesses would //if too, but not otherwise." DCCLIII. — A TASTE OF MARRIAGE. A GENTLEMAN described to Jerrold the bride of a mu- tual friend. " Why, he is six foot high, and she is the shortest woman 1 ever saw. W'hat taslc, eh 'i " " Ay," Jerrold replied, "and only a taslc I " DCCLIV. — " THE LAST WAR." Mr. PriT, speaking in the House of Commons of the glorious war which preceded the disastrous one in which we lost the colonies, called it "the last war." Several members cried out, " The last war but one." He took no notice ; and soon after, repeating the mistake, he was in- terrupted by a general cry of "The last war but one, — the last war but one." — "I mean, sir," said Mr. Pitt, turning to the sjieaker, and raising his sonorous voice, — "I mean, sir, the last war that J3ritons would wish /o remember." Whereupon the cry was instantly changed into an universal cheering, long and loud. DCCLV. — THE PHILANTHROPIST. Jerrold hated the cant of philanthropy, and writhed whenever he was called a philanthropist in print. On one occasion, when he found himself so described, he ex- claimed, "Zounds, it tempts a man to kill a child, to get rid of the reputation. " DCCLVI. — TOO MUCH OF A BAD THING. English tourists in Ireland soon discover that the length of Irish miles constantly recurs to their observa- tion ; eleven Irish miles being equal to about fourteen Eng- lish. A stranger one day complained of the barbarous 1 66 The Jest Book. condition of the road in a particular district; "True," said a native, " but if tiie quality of it be rather infairior, we give good measure of it, anyhow. " DCCLVII. — BAD COMPANY. At the time that the bubble schemes were flourishing, in 1825, Mr. Abernethy met some friends who had risked large sums of money in one of those fraudulent specula- tions ; they informed him that they were going to partake of a most sumptuous dinner, the expenses of which would be defrayed by the company. " If I am not very much deceived," replied he, "you will have nothing but bubble and squeak in a short time. " DCCLVII I. — EPIGRAM. (On the King's double dealing. ) Of such a paradox as this, ; Before I never dreamt ; The King of England has become, A subject of contempt ! ! ! DCCLIX. — PAINTING. A GENTLEM.'^N seeing a fine painting representing a man playing on the lute, paid this high compliment to the art- ist. " When I look on tliat painting I think myself rtVrt/." CCCLX. - NIL NISI, ETC. A GENTLEMAN calling for beer at another gentleman's table, finding it very bad, declined drinking it. " What ! " said the master of the house, "don't you like the beer ? " — " It is not to be found fault with," answered the oth^r ; " for one should never speak ill of the dead." DCCLXI. — ■ ODD FORESIGHT. Lady Margaret Herbert asked somebody for a/;YA ty pattern for a nightcap. "Well," said the person, "what signifies the pattern of a nightcap?" — "O! child," said slie, " you know, in case offlre!" The Jest Book. 167 DCCLXII. — "thereby JIANGS," ETC. A CERTAIN Irish judge, called the Hanging Judge, and who had never been known to shed a tear except when Macheath, in the " Beggar's Opera," got his reprieve, once said to Curran, " Pray, Mr. Curran, is thai iuing beef be- side you? If it is, I will try it." — "If you try it, my lord," replied Curran, " it 's sure to be hung." DCCLXIII. — GENERAL WOI.FE. General Wolfe invited a Scotch officer to dine with him ; the same day he was also invited by some brother officers. " Vou must excuse me," said he to them ; " I am already engaged to Wolfe." A smart young ensign observed, he might as well have expressed himself with more respect, and said General \^o\[c. ".Sir, "said the Scotch officer, with great promptitude, "we never say General Alexander, or General Ca\sar." Wolfe, who was within hearing, by a low bow to the .Scotch officer, ac- knowledged the pleasure he felt at the high compliment. DCCLXIV. — a question ¥0% THE PEERAGE. As the late Trades Unions, by way of a show. Over Westminster-bridge strutted five in a row, " I feel for the bridge," whispered Dick, with a shiver ; " Thus tried by the mob, it may sink in the river." Quoth Tom, a crown lawyer : " Abandon your fears : As a bridge it can only be tried by its piers." DCCLXV. — A NOISE FOR NOTHING. When Thomas Sheridan was in a nervous, debilitated state, and dining with his f\ither at Peter Moore's, the ser- vant, in passing by the fire-place knocked down the plate- warmer, and made such a clatter as caused the invalid to start and tremble. Moore, provoked by the accident, re- buked the man, and added, " I supoose you have broken all the plates?" — " Xo, sir," said the servant, " not one ! " — " Not one I " exclaimed .Sheridan, " then, hang it, sir, you have made all that noise yc^r nothing!" 1 68 The Jest Book. DCCLXVI. — SHORT MEASURE. Some one wrote in a hotel visitors' book his initials, " A. S." A wag wrote underneath, " 1 ivo-thirds of the truth." DCCLXVII. — DECANTING EXTRAORDINARY. Theodore Hook once said to a man at whose table a publisher got veiy drunk, "Why, you ajipear to have emptied your iviiie-cellar into your book-seller.'''' DCCLXVIII. — A DILEMMA. Whilst a country parson was preaching, the chief of his parishioners sitting near the pulpit was fast asleep : whereupon he said, " Now, beloved friends, I am in a great strait ; for if I speak too softly, those at the farther end of the church cannot hear me ; and if I talk too loud, I shall 7i'ake the chief man in the jarish." DCCLXIX. — HOW TO MAKE A MAN OF CONSEQUENCE. A BROW austere, a circumspective eye, A frequent shrug of the os luitneri. A nod significant, a stately gait, A blustering manner, and a tone of weight, A smile sarcastic, an expressive stare, — Adopt all these, as time and place will bear : Then rest assured that those of little sense Will deem you, sure, a man of consequence. DCCLXX. -A CHEAP WATCH. A SAILOR went to a watchmaker, and presenting a small French watch to him, demanded to know how much the repair of it would come to. The watchmaker, after exam- ining it, said, " It will be more expense repairing than its original cost." — " I don't mind that," said the tar ; I will even give you double the original cost, for I gave a fellow a blow on the head for it, and if you repair it, I will give you t-iOO.'" DCCLXXI. — SCOTCH WUT. A LAIRD riding past a high, steep bank, stopped oppo- The Jest Book. 1 69 site a hole in it, and said, "John, I saw a brock gang in there." — " Did ye," said John ; " wull ye haud my horse, sir?" — "Certainly," saitl the laird, and away rushed John for a spade. After digging for half an hour, he came back, nigh s])eechless, to the laird, who had regarded him musingly. " I canna find him, sir," said John. "Deed," said the laird very coolly, " I wad ha' wondered if ye had, for it 's ten years sin' 1 saw him gang in there." DCCLXXII. — ATTENDING TO A WISH. "I WISH you would j>ay a little attention, sir!" ex- claimed a stage manager to a careless actor. " Well, sir, so I am paying as little as I can ! " was the calm rejily. DCCLXXIII. — A MECHANICAL SURGEON, A VALIANT sailor, that had lost his leg formerly in the wars, was nevertheless, for his great prudence and cour- age, made captain of a ship ; and being in the midst of an engagement, a cannon bullet took off his wooden sup- porter, so that he fell down. The seamen immediately called out for a surgeon. " Confound you all," said he, "no surgeon, no surgeon, — a carpenter! a carpenter!'''' DCCLXXIV. — CANINE POETRY. A PRETTY little dog had written on its collar the fol- lowing distich : — " This collar don't belong to you, sir, Pass on — or you may have one too, sir." The same person might have been the proprietor of an- other dog, upon whose collar was inscribed : — " I am Tom Draper's dog. Whose dog are you ?" DCCLXXV. — FOOTIANA. FooTE praising the hosiiitality of the Irish, after one of his trips to the sister kingdom, a gentleman asked him whether he had ever been at Cork. " No, sir," replied Foote ; " but I have seen many draioiugs o{'\\.J" ijo 77^1? yest Book. DCCLXXVI. — NIGHT AND MORNING. An industrious tradesman having taken a new appren- tice, awoke him at a veiy early hour on the first morning, by calling out that the family were sitting down to table. " Thank you," said the boy, as he turned over in the bed to adjust himself for a new nap ; "thank you, I never eat anything during the night !" DCCLXXVII. — FULL INSIDE. Charles Lamb, one afternoon, in returning from a dinner-party, took his seat in a crowded omnibus, when a stout gentleman subsequently looked in and politely asked, " All full inside?" — " I don't know how it may be, sir, with the other passengers," answered Lamb, "but that last piece of oyster-pie did the business for nte. " DCCLXXVIIL ■ — a short JOURNEY. An old clergyman one Sunday, at the close of the ser- mon, gave notice to the congregation that in the course of the week he expected to go on a mission to the heathen. One of his parishioners, in great agitation, exclaimed, ' ' Why, my dear sir, you have never told us one word of this before; what shall we do?" — " O, brother," said the parson, " I don't expect to go out of this town." DCCLXXIX. — A POSER BY LORD ELLENBOROUGH. During the Chief-Justiceship of the late Lord Ellen- borough there was a horse-cause, to which a certain Privy Councillor was a party, and who, as of right, took his seat upon the bench at the hearing, and tliere (while his adver- sary's counsel told his tale) ventured a whisper of remark to the Chief Justice. "If you again address tne, Sir W , I shall give you in custody of the Marshal." It was a settler for him, and, as it turned out, of his cause ; for he lost it, and most justly too. DCCLXXX. — EPIGRAM. Cries Sylvia to a Reverend Dean, " What reason can be given. Since marriage is a lioly thing. That there are none in Heaven ? " The Jest Book. 1 71 "There are no women," he replied. She quick returns tlie jest, — " Women there are, but I'm afraid They cannot find a priest." DCCLXXXI. — AN ARTISTIC TOUCH. When Moore was getting his portrait painted by New- ton, Sydney Smith, who accompanied the poet, said to the artist, " Could n't you contrive to throw into his face somewhat of a stronger expression of hostility to the Church Establishment?" DCCLXXXI I. — VALUE OF APPLAUSE. Some one remarked to Mrs. Siddons that applause was necessaiT to actors, as it gave them confidence. " More," replied the actress ; " it gives us breath.^'' DCCLXXXIIL — LITLLE TO GIVE. A STINGY husband threw off the blame of the rude- ness of his children in company, by saying that his wife always " Gives them their own way." — " Poor things ! " was the prompt response, "it's all I have to give them.'''' DCCLXXXIV. — A GOOD SWIMMER. A FOOLISH scholar having almost been drowned in his first attempt at swimming, vowed tliat he would never enter the water again until he was a com])lete master of the art. [A similar story is told of a pedant by Hierocles.] DCCLXXXV. — NO PRIDE. A DENIZEN of the good city of St. Andrews, long desirous of being elected deacon of his craft, after many years of scheming and bowing, at last attained the acme of his ambition, and wliile the oalhs of oftkc were being administered to him, a number of waggish friends waited outside to " trot him out," but the sequel convinced them this was unnecessar)'. On emerging from the City Hall, with thumbs stuck in the armlets of his vest, with head erect, and solemn step, he approached his friends, lilting 172 The Jest Book. up his voice and saying, ''Now, billies, supposing \''m. a deacon, mind, I can be spoken to at ony time." DCCLXXXVI. — LORD CLONMEL. The late Lord Clonmel, who never thought of demand- ing more than a shilling for an affidavit, used to be well satisfied, provided it was a good one. In his time the Birmingham shillings were current, and he used the follow- ing extraordinaiy j)recautions to avoid being imposed upon by taking a bad one : "You shall true answer make to such questions as shall be demanded of you touching this affidavit, so help you, &c. Is this a good shilling ? Are the contents of this affidavit true ? Is this your name and handwriting? " DCCLXXXVII. QUEER PARTNERS. Jerrold, at a party, noticed a doctor in solemn black waltzing with a young lady who was dressed in a silk of brilliant blue. " As I live ! there 's a blue pill dancing with a black draught ! " said Jerrold. DCCLXXXVIII. — corruptly INCORRUPTIBLE. Charles the Second once said to Sidney, " Look me out a man that can 't be corrupted : I have sent three treas- urers to the North, and they have all turned thieves." — "Well, sire, I will recommend Mivert." — " Mivert ! " exclaimed the king, "why, Mivert is a thief already." — "Therefore he cannot be corrupted, your majesty," an- swered Sidney. DCCLXXXIX. — EPIGRAM ON THE MARRIAGE OF A VERY THIN COUPLE. St. Paul has declared that, when persons, though twain, Are in wedlock united, one flesh they remain. But had he been by, when, like Pharaoh's kine pairing, Dr. Douglas, of Benet, espoused Miss Mainwaring, St. Peter, no doubt, would have altered his tone. And have said, "These two splinters shall now make one bone." the Jal Book. 173 DCCXC. — GOOD AUTHORITY. HoRNE TOOKE, fluriiij,' his contest for Westminster, was tliiis addressed by a ])artisan of his opponent, of not a very reputable character. " Weil, Mr. Tooke, you will have all the blackguards with you to-day." — "1 am de- lighted to hear it, sir, and from %\xz\\. good authority." DCC.XCI. -- LUXURIOUS SMOKING. " The most luxurious smoker I ever knew," says Mr. Paget, " was a young Transylvanian, wlio told me that his servant always inserted a lighted ])ij)e into his mouth the first thing in the morning, and that he smoked it out before he awoke. 'It is so pleasant,' he observed, 'to have the proper taste restored to one's mouth before one is sensible even of its wants.' " DCC.XCII. — NO JUDGE. A CERTAIN Judge having somewhat hastily delivered judgment in a particular case, a King's Counsel observed, in a tone loud enough to reach the bench, "Good heav- ens ! eveiy judgment of this court is a mere toss-up." " But heads seldom win," observed a learned barrister, sitting behind him. DCCXCUI. — RELATIONS OF M.VNKIND. By what curious links, and fantastical relations, are mankind connected together ! At the distance of half the globe, a Hindoo gains his support by groping at the bot- tom of the sea for the morbid concretion of a shell-fish, to decorate the throat of a London alderman's wife. — S. -S. DCC.XCIV. — VERY TRUE. Serjeant M.wnard, a famous lawyer in tlie days of the Stuarts, called law an " ars bablativa.'" Dccxcv. — epigram. (Accounting for the apostacy of ministers. ) The Whigs, because they rat and change To Toryism, all must spurn ; 174 T>"-' y^'^t Book. Vet in the fact there 's nothing strange, That Wigs should twist, or curl, or turn. DCCXCVI. — DRINKING ALONE. The author of the "Parson's Daughter," when sur- prised one evening in his arm-chair, two or three hours after dinner, is reported to have apologized, by saying, " When one is alone, the bottle does come round so often." On a similar occasion. Sir Hercules Langreish, on being asked, " Have you finished all that port (three bottles) without assistance?" answered, "No — not quite that — I had the assistance of a bottle of Madeira." DCCXCVII. — -A MUSICAL BLOW-UP. The Rev. Mr. B , when residing at Canterbury some years ago, was reckoned a good violoncello-player. His sight being dim obliged him ver\' often to snuff the candles, and in lieu of snuffers he generally employed his fingers in that office, thrusting the spoils into the' sound- holes of his violoncello. A waggish friend of his popped a quantity of gunpowder into B 's instrument. The tea equipage being removed, music became the order of the evening, and B dashed away at Vanhall's 47th. B came to a bar's rest, the candles were snuffed, and he thrust the ignited wick into the usual place — Jit fragor, and bang went the fiddle to pieces. DCCXCVIIL — READY-MADE WOOD PAVEMENT. When the Marylebone vestrymen were discussing the propriety of laying down wood pavement within their par- ish, and were raising difficulties on the subject, Jerrold, as he read the report of the discussion, said : — " Difficulties in the way ! Absurd. They have only to put their heads together, and there is the wood pave- ment." This joke has been erroneously given to Sydney Smith. DCCXCIX. — PROPER DISTINCTION. An undergraduate had unconsciously strayed into the garden of a certain D. D. , then master of the college ad- The Jest Book. 175 joining. He had not l>een there many minutes, when Dr. entered liiniself, and, iierceiving the student, in no very courteous manner desired the young gentleman to walk out ; which the undergraduate not doing (in the opinion of the doctor) in sufficient haste, Domine demand- ed, ratiier ]5ercm|-)torily, "whether he knew who he was?" at the same time informing the intruder he was Dr. . "That," replied the undergraduate, "is im- possible ; for Dr. is a gentleman, and you are a black- guard'.'' DCCC. — GRACEFUL EXCUSE. William IV. seemed in a momentary dilemma one day, when, at table with several olTicers, he ordered one of the waiters to "take away that marine there," pointing to an empty bottle. " Vour majesty!" inquired a colo- nel of marines, "do you compare an empty bottle to a meiiil)er of our branch of the service?" — " Ves," replied the monarch, as if a sudden thought had struck him ; "I mean to say it has do)ie its duty once, and is ready to do it again." DCCCI. — SLACK PAYMENT. Examining a country squire who disputed a collier's bill, Curran asked, "Did he not give you the coals, friend ? " _ " He did, sir, but — " — " But what ? On your oath, witness, was n't your payment slack ? " DCCCII. — WAY OF USING BOOKS. Sterne used to say, "The most accomplished way of using books is to serve them as some jieople do lords, learn their titles and then l>rag of their acquaintance." DCCCIIL — PATRICK HENRY. When Patrick Henry, who gave the first impulse to the ball of the .\merican Revolution, introduced his cele- brated resolution on the Stamp Act into the House of Burgesses of \'irginia (May, 1765), he exclaimed, when descanting on the tvranny of the obnoxious Act, " Ccesar had his Brutus ; Charles I. his Cromwell ; and George 176 The Jcsl Book. III. . . ." — "Treason!" cried the speaker ; "treason, treason ! " echoed from eveiy part of the house. It was one of those trying moments which are decisive of charac- ter. Heniy faltered not for an instant ; but rising to a loftier attitude, and fixing on the speaker an eye flashing with fire, continued, '■^ may profit by theh- example. If this be treason, make the most of it. " DCCCIV. — ROGERS — POET AND SKIPPER. Rogers used to say that a man who attempts to read all the new publications must often do as the flea does — skip. DCCCV. - OUR ENGLISH LOVE OF DINNERS. " If an earthquake were to engulf England to-morrow," said Jerrold, " the English would manage to meet and dine somewhere among the rubbish, just to celebrate the event. " DCCCVI. — EPIGRAM. When by a juiy one is tried. Twelve of his equals are imjlied ; Then W might attempt in vain. This sacred privilege to obtain. Since human nature ne'er on earth Gave to twelve equal scoundrels birth. DCCCVII. — REFORMATION. Judge Burnet, son of the famous Bisliop of Salisbury, when young, is said to have l^een of a wild and dissipated turn'. Being one day found by the Bishop in a very seri- ous humor, "What is the matter with you, Tom?" said he, " what are you ruminating on ? " — " A greater work than your lordship's History of the Reformation," an- swered the son. " Ay ! what is that?" said the Bishop. "The reformation 0/ i/iyself, my lord," answered the son. DCCCVin. — THE JEST OF ANCESTRY. Lord Chesterfield placed among the portraits of his ancestors two old heads, inscribed Adam de Stan- The Jest Book. 177 hope, and Eve de Stanhope : the ridicule is admira- ble. Old Peter Lciievc, the herald, wiio tlmu^ht ridicule con- sisted in not beinjj; of an old family, made this epitaph for youny Craggs, whose father had been a footman : llcrc lies the last who died he/ore the first of his family ! Okl Craggs was one day getting into a coach with Arthur Moore, who had worn a livery too, when he turned about, and said, " Why, Artliur, 1 am always going to get up behind ; are not you i " The Gordons trace their name no farther back than the days of Alexander the Great, from Gordonia, a city of Macedon, which, they say, once formed part of Alexan- der's dominions, and, from thence, no doubt, the clan must have come ! DCCCIX. — EQUAL TO NOTHING. On being informed that the judges in the Court of Com- mon Pleas had little or nothing to do, Bushe remarked, " Well, well, they 're equal to it!" DCCCX. — F.A.MILIARITY. A WAITER named Samuel Spring having occasion to write to his late Majesty, George IV., when Prince of Wales, commenced his letter as follows : " Sam, the wait- er at the Cocoa-Tree, presents his compliments to the Prince of Wales," &c. His Royal Highness next day saw Sam, and after noticing the receiving of his note, and the freedom of the style, said, "Sam, this may be very well between yon and me, but it will not do with the Norfolks and Arundels." DCCCXI. — EXTR.VORDINARY COMPROMISE. At Durham assize a deaf old lady, who had brought an action for damages against a neighbor, was being ex- amined, when the judge suggested a compromise, and in- structed counsel to ask what she would take to settle the matter. " His lordship wants to know what you will take ? " asked the learne 1 counsel, bawling as loud as ever he could in tlio old lady's ear. " I thank his lordship 12 178 The Jest Book. kindly," answered the ancient dame; "and if it's no ill- conwenience to him, I '11 take a little loarni ale! " DCCCXII. — MAC READY TO CALL. In the time of Sir John Macpherson's Indian govern- ment, most of his staff consisted of Scotch gentlemen, whose names began with Mac. One of the aides-de-camp used to call the government-house Abnack's, "For," said he, " if you stand in the middle of the court, and call Mac, you will have a head popped out of every window." DCCCXin. — EPir.RAM. (On the oiled and perfumed ringlets of a certain Lore.) Of miracles this is sans doiite the most rare, I ever perceived, heard reported, or read ; A man witli abundance of scents in his hair, Without the least atom of soise in his head. DCCCXIV. — LOOK-A-HEAD. A Tory member declared the extent of the Reform Bill positively made the hair of members on his side the house to stand on end. On the ensuing elections, they will find the Bill to have a still greater effect on the state of the poll. G. A'B. DCCCXV. —THE EIRTH OF A PRINCE. JERROLD was at a party when the Park gims announced the birth of a ]3rince. " How they do powder these ba- bies ! " Jerrold exclaimed. DCCCXVL — SETTING HIM UP TO KNOCK HIM DOWN. Tom Moore, observing himself to be eyed by two handsome young ladies, inquired of a friend, who was near enough to hear their remarks, wliat it was they said of him. " Why, the taller one observed that she was delighted to have had the pleasure of seeing so famous a personage. " — " Indeed ! " said the gratified poet, " anything more ? " — "Yes : she said she was the more pleased because she had taken va your celebrated '■ Almanac'' for the last five or six years ! " The Jest Book. 179 DCCCXVII. — BRIEF CORRESPONDENCE. Mrs. Foote, mother of Aristoplianes, experienced the caprice of fortune nearly as much as her son. The follow- ing laconic letters jiasscd between them : " Dear Sam, I am in prison." ^ Answer : " Dear mother, so am I." DCCCXVIII. — MAN-TRAPS. It being unlawful to set man-traps and spring-gams, a gentleman once hit upon a happy device. He was a scholar, and beinij often asked the meaning of mysterious words com;)ounded from the Greek, that appear in every day's newspaper, and finding they always excited wonder by their length and sound, he had painted on a board, and put up on his pre nises, in very large letters, the fol- lowing : " Tondapcimuboinenos set up in these grounds.^' It was perfectly a " patent safety." DCCCXIX. — A COLORABLE EXCUSE. A L.\DY who painted her face, asked Parsons how he thought she looked. " I can't tell, madam," he replied, " except you uncover your face." DCCCXX. — CONSISTENCY. No wonder Tory landlords flout " Fixed Duty," for 't is plain With them the' Anti-Corn-Law Bill Must go against the grain. DCCC.XXI A WONDERFUL CURE. Doctor Hill, a notorious wit, physician, and man of letters, having quarrelled with the members of the Royal Society, who had refused to admit him as an associate, resolved to avenge himself. At the time that Bishop Berkeley had issued his work on the marvellous virtues of tar- water. Hill addressed to tlieir secretary a letter pur- porting to be from a countiy-surgeon, and reciting the particulars of a cure which he had effected. "A sailor," he wrote, ^'^ broke \\\% leg, and aj^plied to me for help. I bound together the broken portions, and washed tliem' with l8o The Jest Book. the celebrated tar-water. Almost immediately the sailor felt the beneficial eftects of this remedy, and it was not long before his leg was completely healed !'' 'Ihe letter was read, and discussed at the meetings of the Royal So- ciety, and caused considerable difference of opinion. Pa- pers were written for and against the tar-water and the restored leg, \\hen a second letter arrived from the ( pre- tended ) country practitioner : — " In my last I omitted to mention that the broken limb of the sailor was a luooden leg!" DCCCXXII. — AN ACCOMMODATING PHYSICIAN. " Is there anything the matter with you ? " said a jihysi- cian to a person who had sent for him. " O dear, yes, I am ill all over, but I don't know what it is, and I have no particular pain nowhere," was the reply. "Very well," said the doctor, "I'll give you something to take away all that. " DCCCXXIII. — CHOICE SPIRITS. An eminent spirit-merchant in Dublin announced, in one of the Irish papers, that he has still a small quantity of the whiskey on sale whieh 7oasdrimk by his late Majesty while in Dublin. DCCCXXIV. — AN EXPLANATION. Young, the author of "Night Thoughts," paid a visit to Potter, son of Archbishop Potter, who lived in a deep and dirty part of Kent, through which Young had scram- bled with some difficulty and danger. " Whose field was that I crossed?" asked Young, on reaching his friend. "Mine," said Potter. "True," replied the poet; "Pot- ter's field to bury strangers in." DCCCXXV. — IMPROMPTU BY R. B. SHERIDAN. Lord Erskine having once asserted, in the presence of Lady Erskine and Mr. Sheridan, that a wife was onlya tin canister tied to one's tail, Sheridan at once presented her these lines, — Lord Erskine at woman presuming to rail. Calls a wife " a tin canister tied to one's tail ; " The Jest Book. l8l And fair Lady Anne, while the subject lie carries on, Seems hurt at his lonlsJiiji's degradinj,' comparison. ]5ut wherefore "degrading?" Considered aright, A canister's useful, and polished, and bright ; And should dirt its original purity hide, 'T is the fault of the pupjiy to whom it is tied. UCCCXXVI. — LAW AND I'HYSIC. A LEARNED judge being asked the difTei'ence between law and equity courts, replied, " At common law you are done for at once : at equity, you are not so easily disposed of. One la prussic acid, and the other laudanum.^' DCCCXXVII. — IMPROMPTU. CouNSfiLLOR (afterwards Chief Justice) BusHE, being on one occasion asked which of a company of actors he most admired, maliciously replied, " The //-(?w//«v-, sir, for I have heard the most and seen the least of hhn." DCCCXXVIII. — NOTIONS OF HAPPINESS. " Were I but a khts^," said a countn,- Ijoy, " I woiihl eat my fill of fat bacon, and siviiig upon a gate all day long." DCCCXXIX. — A forgetful MAN. When jack %\-as jioor, the lad was frank and free. Of late he's grown brimful of pride and pelf; No wonder that he don't remember iTie ; Why so ? you see he has forgot himself. DCCCXXX. — REPUTATION. Reputation is to notoriety what real turtle is to mock. nCCCXXXL AN unfortunate LOVER. It was asked by a scholar why Master Thomas Haw- kins did not marry Miss Blagrove ; he was answered, " He couldn't master her, so he missed her." i82 The Jest Book. DCCCXXXII. — EPIGRAM. The jolly members of a toping club Like pipe-staves are, but hooped into a tub ; And in a close confederacy link For nothing else, but only to hold drink. DCCCXXXIII. — A BAD LOT. The houseKold furniture of an English barrister, then recently deceased, was being sold, in a countiy town, when one neighbor remarked to another that the stock of goods and chattels appeared to be extremely scanty, considering the rank of the lawyer, their late owner. " It is so," was the reply ; " but the fact is, he had veiy few causes, and therefore could not have many effects." DCCCXXXIV. — FILIAL AFFECTION. Two ladies who inhabit Wapping were having some words together on the pavement, when the daughter of one of them popped her head out of the door, and ex- claimed "Hurry, mother, and call her a thief before she calls you one." DCCCXXXV. — LEG WIT. One night Erskine was hastening out of the House of Commons, when he was stopped by a member going in, who accosted him, "Who's up, Erskine?" — "Wind- ham," was the reply. " What "s he on ? " — " His legs," answered the wit. DCCCXXXVI. — EPIGRAM ON DR. GLYNN's BEAUTY. " This morning, quite dead, Tom was found in his bed. Although he was hearty last night ; 'T is thought having seen L)r. Glynn in a dream. The poor fellow died of affright." DCCCXXXVII. — A SINECURE. One Patrick Maguire had been appointed to a situation the reverse of a place of all work ; and his friends, who The Jest Book. 183 called to congratulate him, were very much astonished to see his face lengthened on the receipt of the news. "A sinecure is it ?" exclaimed I'at. "Sure I know what a sinecure is : it 's a place where there 's nothing to do, and \\\cy pay you by the piece." DCCCXXXVIII. — A GOOD JAIL DELIVERY. Brother David Dewar was a plain, honest, straight- forward man, wiio never hesitated to express his convic- tions, however unjialatable they might be to others. Being elected a member of the Prison Board, he was called upon to give his vote in the choice of a chaplain from the licen- tiates of the Established Kirk. The party who had gained the confidence of the Board had proved rather an indiffer- ent ]ireacher in a charge to which he had previously been aiijiointed ; and on David being asked to signify his assent to the choice of the Board, he said, " Weel, I 've no objec- tions to the man, for I understand he preached a kirk toom (empty) already, and if he be as successful in the jail, he 'U maybe preach it vawcant as weel." DCCCXXXIX. — WHERE IS THE AUDIENCE? The manager of a country theatre looked into the house between the acts, and turned with a face of dismay to the prompter, with the question of, " Why, good gracious, where 's the audience?" — " Sir," replied the prompter, without moving a muscle, "he is just now gone to get some beer." The manager wiped the perspiration from his brow and said, "Will he return do you think?" — "Most certainly ; he expresses himself highly satisfied with the play, and applaufled as one man." — " Then let business proceed,^'' exclaimed the manager, proudly ; and it did proceed. DCCCXL. — KNOWING BEST. " I WISH, reverend father," saifl Curran to Father O' Leary, " that you were St. Peter, and had the keys of heaven, because then you could let me in." — "By my honor and conscience," replied O'Leary, "it would be better for you that I had the keys of the other place, for then I could let vou out. " 184 The Jest Book. PCCCXLI. — AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES. The late Bishop Blomfield, when a Suffolk clergyman, asked a school-boy what was meant in the Catechism by succoring his father and mother. " Giving on 'em milk,'''' was the prompt reply. DCCCXLIL — PARLIAMENTARY REPRIMAND. In the reign of George II., Mr. Crowle, a counsel of some eminence, was summoned to the bar of the House of Commons to receive a reprimand from the Speaker, on his knees. As he rose from the ground, witli the utmost nofi- chalance he took out his handkerchief, and, wiping his knees, cooly observed, " that it was the dirtiest house he had ever been in in his life." DCCCXLIII. — A STOP WATCH. A GENTLEMAN missing his watch in a crowd at the theatre, observed, with great coolness, that he should cer- tainly recover it, having bought it of a friend who had introduced it to the particular acquainiauce of every Pazun- broker zvithin the Bills of Mortality. DCCCXLIV. — SIR ANTHONY MALONE. Lord Mansfield used to remark that a lawyer could do nothing without his fee. This is jiroved by the follow- ing fact : Sir Anthony Malone, some years ago Attorney- General of Ireland, was a man of abilities in his profes- sion, and so well skilled in the practice of conveyancing that no person ever entertained the least doubt of the va- lidity of a title that had undergone his inspection ; on which account he was generally applied to by men of ])roperty in transactions of this nature. It is, however, no less singu- lar than true, that such was the carelessness and inattention of this great lawyer in matters of this sort that related to himself, that he made two bad bargains, for want only of the same attentive examination of the writings for wJiich he was celclirated, in one of which he lost property to tlie amount of three thousand ] ounds a year. Disturlied by these losses, whenever for the future he had a mind to The Jcsl Book. 1 85 purchase an estate for himself, he gave the original writ- ings to his principal clerk, who made a correct transcript of them ; this transcript was then handed to Sir Anthony, and five guineas (his fee) along with it, which was regu- larly ch(iiXi'y turns. Who is by nature nothing long. CMXXXII. — LATE AND EARLY. The regular routine of clerkly business ill suited the literary tastes and the wayward habits of Charles I-amb. Once, at the India House, a superior said to him, "I have remarked, Mr, Lamb, that you come very late to the 2Q4 The Jest Book. office." — " Ves, sir," replied the wit, "but you must remember that I go away ear/y.'" The oddness of the excuse silenced the reprover. CMXXXIII. — FAIR PLAY. CuRRAN, who was a veiy small man, having a dispute with a brother counsel (who was a very stout man), in which words ran high on both sides, called him out. The other, however, objected. "You are so little," said he, " that I might fire at you a dozen times without hitting, whereas, the chance is that you may shoot me at the first fire." — " To convince you," cried Curran, " I don't wish to take any advantage, you shall c/ialk my size uponjjw^r body, and all hits out of the ring shall go for nothing." CMXXXIV. — SOMETHING LACKING. Hook was walking one day with a friend, when the latter, pointing out on a dead wall an incomjilete inscrip- tion, running, "Warren's B ," was puzzled at the moment for the want of the context. "'Tis lacking that should follow," observed Hook, in explanation. CMXXXV. — THE HONEST MAN's LITANY. From a wife of small fortune, but yet veiy proud, Who values herself on her family's blood : Who seldom talks sense, but for ever is loud, " Libera nie ! From living i' th' parish that has an old kirk, Where the parson would nde like a Jew or a Turk, And keep a poor curate to do all his work. Libera me ! From a justice of peace who forgives no offence, But construes the law in its most rigid sense. And still to bind over will find some pretence. Libera From dealing with great men and taking their word. From waiting whole mornings to speak with my lord, Who puts off his payments, and puts on his sword, LJhera me I The Jest Book. 205 From Black-coats, wlio never the Gospel yet taught, From Red-coats, who never a battle yet fought, From Turn-coats, whose inside and outside are naught. Libera me! CMXXXVI. ^ THREE DEGREES OK COMPARISON. A LADY, proud of her rank and title, once compared the tlrree classes of people, nobility, gentry, and commonalty, to china, delf, and crockery. A few minutes ela])scd, when one of the comjiany expressed a wisii to see the la- dy's little girl, who, it was mentioned, was in the nursery. "John," said she to the footman, " tell the maid to bring the little dear." The footman, wishing to expose his mis- tress's ridiculous pride, cried, loud enough to be heard by every one, — " Croekery ! bring down little China." CMXXXVU. —MEN OF LETTERS. A coRRKsroNDENT, something new Transmitting, signed himself X. Q. The editor his letter read, And begged he might be X. Q. Z. CMXXXVIIL — ELEGANT RETORT. It is a common occurrence in tlie University of Cam- bridge for the undergraduates to exjiress their approbation or disapprobation of the Vice-Chancellor, on the resigna- tion of his office. Upon an occasion of this kind, a certain gentleman had enacted some regulations which had given great offence ; and, when the senate had assembled in or- der that he might resign his office to another, a great hiss- im:^ was raised in disapprobation of his conduct ; u])on which, bowing courteously, he made the following elegant retort : — " Laiidatiir ab his." CMXXXIX. — SNUG LYING. A VISITOR at Churchtown, Xortli Meols, thought peo- ple must like to i)e buried in the churchyard there, because it was so healthy. 2o6 77/1? Jest Book. CMXL. — A PROPER ANSWER. "A KNAVISH attorney asking a very worthy gentleman what was honesty, "What is that to you?" said he; " meddle with those things that concern you." CMXLI. — GOOD HEARING. I HEARD last week, friend Edward, thou wast dead, I 'm very glad to hear it, too, cries Ned. CMXLII. — AN UNCONSCIOUS POSTSCRIPT. George Selwyn once affirmed, in company, that no woman ever wrote a letter without a postscript. "My next letter shall refute you ! " said Lady G . Selwyn soon after received a letter from her ladyship, where, after her signature, stood : " P. S. Who was right ; you or I ? " CMXLIII. — HOAXING AN AUDIENCE. Cooke was announced one evening to play the Strange?' at the Dublin Theatre. When he made his appearance, evident marks of agitation were visible in his countenance and gestures : this, by the generality of the audience, was called fine acting ; but those who were acquainted with his failing, classed it very properly under the head of in- toxication. When the applause had ceased, with difficulty he pronounced, "Yonder hut — yonder hut," pointing to the cottage ; then beating his breast, and striking his fore- head, he paced the stage in much apparent agitation of mind. Still this was taken as the chef-d'auvre of fine act- ing, and was followed by loud plaudits, and " Bravo ! bravo ! " At length, having cast many a menacing look at the prompter, who repeatedly, though in vain, gave him the word, he came forward, and, with overacted feeling, thus addressed the audience : "You are a mercantile peo- ple — you know the value of money — a thousand pounds, my all, lent to serve a friend, is lost for ever. My son, too — pardon the feelings of a parent — my only son — as brave a youth as ever fought his counti7's battles, is slain — not many hours ago I received the intelligence ; but he died in the defence of his King ! " Here his feelings be- The Jest Book. 207 came so powerful that they choked his utterance, and, with his liandUerchicf to iiis eyes, he staggered o(T the stage, amidol llic applause of liiose who, not knowing the man, pitied his situation. Now, the fact is, Cooke never possessed ;^i,ooo in his life, nor iiad he ever the honor of being a father ; but, too much intoxicated to recollect his part, he invented this story, as the only way by which he could decently retire ; and the sequel of the business was, that he was sent home in a chair, whilst another actor played the part. CMXLIV. — THE SEASON-INGS. •'Come here, Johnny, and tell me what the four sea- sons are.'' Young Prodigy : " Pepper, salt, mustard, and vinegar." C.MXLV. — NOT Ki HOME. A WEAVER, after enjoying his potations, pursued his way home through the churchyard, his vision and walking somewhat impaired. As he proceeded, he diverged from the path, and unexpectedly stumbled into a partially made grave. Stunned for a while, he lay in wonder at his de- scent, and after some time he got out, but he had not pro- ceeded much further when a simihir calamity befell him. At this second fall, he was heard, in a tone of wone hanged, then, if I do." CMLV. — CHE.\P AT THE MONEY. A SHILLING subscription having been set on foot to bury an attorney who had died very poor. Lord Chief Justice Norbury exclaimed, " Only a shilling to buiy an attorney ! Here's a guinea ; go and buiy one-aiui-tweii/y o/t/ie/n." CMLVL — A QUERY FOR MR. BABBAGE. A PERSON, hearing that "Time is Money," became' desirous of learning how many years it would take " to pay a little debt of a hundretl pounds ! " CMLVII. — A BACK-HANDED HIT. Lord Derby once said that Ireland was positively worse than it is represented. "That's intended," said A'Beckett, "as a sinister insult to the members who rep- resent that wretched country. " ■ 14 2IO The Jest Booh CMLVIII. — THINGS BY THEIR RIGHT NAMES. If by their names we things should call, It surely would he properer, To term a singing piece a bawl, A dancing piece a Jioppercr ! CMLIX. — A FAVORITE AIR. One of a party of friends, referring to an exquisite mu- sical composition, said: "That song always carries me away when I hear it." — "Can anybody whistle itV" asked Jerrold, laughing. CMLX. — A GOOD JOKE. A FIRE EATING Irishman challenged a barrister, who gratified him by an acceptance. The duellist, being veiy lame, requested that he might have a prop. "Suppose," said he, " I lean against this milestone ? " — " With pleas- ure," replied the lawyer, " on condition that I may lean against the next. " The joke settled the quarrel. CMLXI. — one THING AT A TIME. A VERY dull play was talked of, and one attempted a defence by saying, " It was not hissed." — "True," said another ; "no one can hiss and gape at the same time." CMLXII. — TROPHIES. A French nobleman once showing Matthew Prior the palace of his master at Versailles, and desiring him to ob- serve the many trophies of Louis the P'ourteenth's victories, asked Prior if King William, his master, had many such trophies in his palace. " Xo," said Prior, "the monu- ments of my master's victories are to be seen rjery'djhe7-e but in his o'i.v)i house." CMLXIIi; — "BRIEF LET IT BE." When Baron Martin was at the Bar and addressing the Court of Exchequer in an insurance case, he was ir.'.cr- rupted by Mr. Baron Alderson observing: "Mr. Martin, The Jest Book. 2 1 1 do you think any office would insure your life? Remem- ber, yours is a ^7lied, " Yes, I am aware of that, — you turned it all into cheese several years ago !^ CMLXXIII. — AN IRISHMAN S PLEA. " Are you guilty, or not guilty?" asked the clerk of arraigns of a (prisoner the other day. "An' sure now," said Pat, "what are _;iw^ put there for but to find that out ? " The Jest Book. 213 CMLXXIV. — ACCOMMODATING. A MAN in a passion spoke many scurrilous words ; a friend being by, said, " Vou speak foolishly." He an- swered, " Jt is that you may imderstand me." CMLXXV. — GENEROSITY AND PRUDENCE. Frank, who will any friend supply, Lent me ten guineas. — " Come," said I, " Give me a pen, it is but fair You take my note.'-' Quoth he, " Hold there ; Jack ! to the cash I 've bid adieu ; — No need to waste my paper too." CMLXXVI. — ODD REASON. A CELEBRATED wt was asked why he did not marry a young lady to whom he was much attached. " I know not " he replied, " except the great regard we have for each other." CMLXXVII. — VERY EVIDENT. Garrick and Rigby, once walking together in Norfolk, observed upon a board at a house by the roadside, the following strange inscription : "a GOES KOORED HEAR." — " How is it possible," said Rigby, "that such people as these can cure agues?" — " I do not know," replied Garrick, "what their prescription is, — \>\\\.itisnol bv a spell." cM:,xxvni. — ominous, very ! A jolly good fellow had an office next to a doctor's. One day an elderly gentleman of the foggy school blun- dered into the wrong sho)). " Dr. X in ? " — " Don't live here," says P , who was in full scribble over some important papers, without looking up. "Oh, I thought this was his office." — "Next door." — "Pray, sir, can you tell me, has the doctor many patients?" — "A'.' l;ving!'" The old gentleman was never more heard of in the vicinity. 214 "^^^ 7^^^ Book. CMLXXIX. — A REVERSE. An Irishman, who hved in an attic, being asked what part of the house he occupied, answered, " If the house were turned topsy-liirvy, I 'd be Uvin' on the first flure." CMLXXX. — ON AN M. P. WHO RECENTLY GOT HIS ELEC- TION AT THE SACRIFICE OF HIS POLITICAL CHAR- ACTER. His degradation is complete. His name with loss of honor branding : "When he resolved to win his seat He literally lost his standing. CMLXXXI. — MUSICAL TASTE. A LATE noble statesman, more famous for his wit than his love of music, being asked why he did not subscribe to the Ancient Concerts, and it being urged as a reason for it that Ills brother, the Bishop of W , did : " Oh," replied his lordship, " if I was as dea/zs my brother, I would sub- scribe too." CMLXXXII. — LINGUAL INFECTION. A FASHIONABLE Irish gentleman, driving a good deal about Cheltenham, was observed to have the not very graceful habit of lolling his tongue out as he went along. Curran, who was there, was asked what he thought could be his countiyman's motive for giving the instrument of eloquence such an airing. " Oh ! " said he, "he's trying to catch the English accent." CMLXxxin. — PORSON versus dr. jowett. Dr. Jowett, who was a small man, was permitted by the head of his college to culti>'ate a strip of vacant ground. This gave rise to some Jeiix ord Clare. "O, 1 beg a thousand par- dons," was the rejoinder ; " I really thought your lordship was employed in consultation.''' 232 The Jest Book. MLXVI. — A PRESSINi; REASON. ■ A TAILOR sent his bill to a lawyer for money ; the law- yer bid the boy tell his master that he was not running away, but very busy at that time. The boy comes again, and tells him he must have the money. " Did you tell your master," said the lawyer, "that I was not nmning away ? " — " Yes, sir," answered the boy ; " but he bade me tell you that he ivas. " MLXVII. — SMALL WIT. Sir George Beaumont once met Quin at a small din- ner-party. There was a delicious pudding, which the master of the house, pushing the dish towards Quin, begged him to taste. A gentleman had just before helped himself to an immense piece of it. "Pray," said Quin, looking first at the gentleman's plate and then at the dish, " zvhich is the pudding ? " MLXVIII. — EPIGRAM ON A STUDENT BEING PUT OUT OF COMMONS FOR MISSING CHAPEL. To fast and pray we are by Scripture taught : Oh could I do but either as I ought ! In both, alas ! I err ; my frailty such, — I pray too little, and I fast too much. MLXIX. — MAKING PROGRESS. A STUDENT, being asked what ]irogress he had made in the study of medicine, modestly replied : "I hope I shall soon be fully qualified as physician, for I think I am now able to cure a child. " MLXX. — THE WOOLSACK. CoLMAN and Banister dining one day with Lord Ers- kine, the ex-Chancellor, amongst other things, observed that he had then about three thousand head of sheep. " I perceive," interrupted Colman, "your lordship has still an eye to the woolsack." MLXXI. — SIR THOMAS COULSON. Sir Thomas Coulson being present with a friend at The Jat Book. 233 the burning of Druiy Lane Theatre, and observing several engines hastening to the spot where the fire had been ex- tinguished, remarked that they were '■'ingots cui lumen adeptum." MLXXII. — THROW PHYSIC TO THE DOGS ! \Yhen the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne wrote a prescription for him. The next day the doctor, coming to see his patient, inquired if he had followed his prescription : " No, truly, doctor," said Nash ; "if I had I should have broken my neck for I threio it out of a two- pair-of-stairs window." MLXXIII. —MOTHERLY REM.\RK. Sir David Raird, with great gallantry and humanity, had a queer temper. When news came to England that he was one of those poor prisoners in India who were tied back to back to fetter them, his mother exclaimed, " Heaven pity the man that's tied to my Davy ! " MLXXIV. — TOO GOOD. A PHYSICIAN, much attached to his profession, during his attendance on a man of letters, observing; that the patient was very punctual in taking all his medicines, ex- claimed in the pride of his heart : " Ah 1 my dear sir, you deserve to be ill. " MI-XXV. — A BALANCE. "Pay me that six-and-eightpence you owe me, Mr. Malrooney," said a village attorney. "For what?" — " For the opinion you had of me." — " Faith, 1 never \i^'l any opinion of you in all my life." MLXXVI. — money's WORTH. Whilst inspecting a farm in a pauperized district, an enterprising agriculturist could not help noticing the slow, drawling motions of one of the laborers there, and said, ".My man, you do not sweat at that work." — "Why, no, master," was the reply, " sez'en s/iillittgs a week is n't S7veating wages. " 234 The yest Book. MLXXVII. — ON MR. GULLY BEING RETURNED M. P. FOR PONTEFRACT. Strange is it, proud Pontefract's borougli should sully Its fame by returning to parliament Gully. The etymological cause, 1 suppose, is His breaking the bridges of so many noses. MLXXVin. — ^ WRITING FOR THE STAGE. People would be astonished if they were aware of the cart-loads of trash which are annually offered to the direc- tor of a London theatre. The very first manuscript (says George Colman) which was proposed to me for represen- tation, on my undertaking theatrical management, was from a nautical gentleman, on a nautical subject ; the piece was of a tragic description, and in five acts ; during the principal scenes of which the hero of the drama de- claimed from the main-mast of a man-of-war, without once descending from his position ! A tragedy was offered to Mr. Macready, or Mr. Web- ster, in thirty acts. The subject was the histoiy of Poland, and the author proposed to have five acts played a night, so that the whole could be gone through in a week. MLXXIX. — A COMPARISON. "An attorney," says Sterne, "is the same thing to a barrister that an apothecary is to a physician, witli this dif- ference, that your lawyer does not deal in scruples." MLXXX. — GAMBLING. I NEVER by chance hear the ratthng of dice that it does n't sound to me like the funeral bell of a whole family. — D. J. MLXXXI. — SWEEPS. We feel for climbing boys as much as anybody can do ; but what is a climbing boy in a chimney to a full-grown suitor in the Master's office ! The Jest Book. 235 MLXXXII. — SELF-CONCEIT. Hail, charming power of self-opinion ! For none are slaves in thy dominion ; Secure in thee, the mind 's at ease, The 'oain have only one to please. MLXXXIII. —JAMES SMITH AND JUSTICE IIOLROYP. Formerly, it was customary, on emergencies, for the Judges to swear affidavits at their dwelling-houses. Smith was desired by his father to attend a Judge's chambers for that purpose ; but being engaged to dine in Russell Square, at the next house to Mr. Justice Holroyd's, he thought he might as well save himself the disagreeable necessity of leaving the party at eight, by despatching his business at once, so, a few minutes before six, he boldly knocked at the Judge's and requested to speak to him on particular business. The Judge was at dinner, but came down without delay, swore the affidavit, and then gravely asked what was the pressing necessity that in- cluced our friend to disturb him at that hour. As Smith told his stor)-, he raked his invention for a lie, but finding none fit for the purpose, he blurted out the truth: "The fact, is, my Lord, I am engaged to dine at the next house — and — and " — " And, sir, you thought you might as well save your own dinner by spoiliug mine ? " — " Ex- actly so, my r>ord ; but " — " .Sir, I wish you a good evening." Though Smith brazened the matter out, he said he never was more frightened. MLXXXIV. — A GOOn INVESTMENT. An English journal lately contained the following an- nouncement : " 71^ be sold, one hundred and thirty law- suits, the pro]ierty of an attorney retiring from business. N. B. The clients are rich and obstinate." MLXXXV. — THE .\GED YOUNG LADY. An old lady, being desirous to be thought younger than she was, said that she was but forty years old. A student who sat near observed, that it must be quite tnie, for he had heard her repeat the same for the last ten years. 236 The Jest Book. MLXXXVI. — KEEPING TIME. A GENTLEMAN at a musical party asked a friend, in a whisper, " How he should stir the fire without interrapting the music."- — '''' Betzvcen the bars,'''' replied the friend. MLXXXVII. — ENTERING THE LISTS. The Duke of B , who was to have been one of the knights of the Eglinton tournament, was lamenting that he was obliged to excuse himself, on the ground of an attack of the gout. " How," said he, " could I ever get my poor puffed legs into those abominable iron boots ? " — " It will be quite as appropriate," replied Hook, " if your grace goes in your //>/ shoes. " MLXXXVIII. — NOT IMPORTUNATE. Mrs. Robison (widow of the eminent professor of nat- ural philosophy) having invited a gentleman to dinner on a particular day, he had accepted, with tlie i-esei-vation, " If I am spared."— " Weel, weel," said Mrs. Robison, "if ye 're dead I '11 no' expect ye. " MLXXXIX. — WITTY COWARD. A French marquis having received several blows with a stick, which he never thought of resenting, a friend asked him, "How he could reconcile it with his honor to suffer them to pass without notice?" — "Pooh !" replied the marquis, "I never trouble my head with anything that passes behind my back." MXC. — PRIORITY. An old Scotch domestic gave a capital reason to his young master for his being allowed to do as he liked : " Ye needna find faut wi' me, Maister Jeems, I hae been langer about the place than yerseV" MXCL — should not SILENCE GIVE CONSENT? A LAIRD of Logan was at a meeting of the heritors of Cumnock, where a proposal was made to erect a new The Jest Book. 237 churchyard wall. He met the proposition with the dry remark, " I never big dykes till the tenants complain." MXCII. — CHARACTERISTICS. The late Dr. Brand was remarkable for his spirit of contradiction. One extremely cold morning, in the month of January, he was addressed by a friend with, — " It is a very cold morning, doctor." — "I don't know that," was the doctor's observation, though he was at the instant covered with snow. At another time he happened to dine with some gentlemen. The doctor engrossed the conver- sation almost entirely to himself, and interlarded his ob- servations with Greek and Latin quotations, to the annoy- ance of [he company. A gentleman of no slight erudition, seated next the doctor, remarked to him, "that he ougiit not to quote so much, as many of the party did not under- stand it." — " And jw< are one of them," observed the learned bear. MXCIII. — AN ERROR CORRECTED. Jerrold was seriously disappointed with a certain book written by one of his friends. This friend heard that Jer- rold had expressed his disappointment. Friend (to Jerrold). — I hear you said was the worst book I ever wrote. Jerrold. — No, I did n't. I said it was tlie worst book anybody ever wrote. MXCIV. — A MYSTERY CLEARED UP. \V , they say, is bright ! yet to discover The fact you vainly in St. Stephen's sit. But hold ! Extremes will meet: liie marvel 's over ; His very dulness is the extreme of wit. MXCV. — URAHAM AND KENNEY. The pride of some people differs from that of others. Mr. Bunn was ])assing through Jermyn Street, late one evening, and seeing Kenney at tlie corner of St. James's C'liurch, swinging about in a nervous sort of manner, b.e inquired the cause of his being there at such an hour. He 238 The Jest Book. replied, " I have been to the St. James's Theatre, and, do you know, I really thought Braham was a much prouder man than I find him to be." On asking why, he an- swered, "I was in the green-room, and hearing Braham say, as he entered, ' I am really /;'(7«^ of my pit to-night,' I went and counted it, and there were \)\\\. srjenUen people in it." MXCVI. — HOW TO ESCAPE TAXATIO.N. " I WOULD," says Fox, "a tax devise That shall not fall on me." "Then tax receipts,^'' Lord North replies, "For those you never see." MXCVII. — A BED OF — WHERE? A Scotch country minister had been invited, with his wife, to dine and spend the night at the house of one of his lairds. Their host was verj' proud of one of the very large beds which had just come into fashion, and in the morning asked the lady how she had slept in it. " O very well, sir ; but, indeed, I thought Fd lost the minister a' thegither." MXCVIII. — ENVY. A DRUNKEN man was found in the suburbs of Dublin, lying on his face, by the roadside, apparently in a state of physical unconsciousness. " He is dead," said a country- man of his, who was looking at him. " Dead ! " replied another, who had turned him with his face uppermost ; " by the powers, / wish I had just half his disase ! " — in other words, a moiety of the whiskey he had drunk. MXCIX. — A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE. "I KEEP an excellent table," said a lady, disputing with one of her boarders. "That may be true, ma'am," says he, "but you put very little it/on it." MC. — MORE HONORED IN THE BRE.\CH. A LAIRD OF Logan sold a horse to an Englishman, say- ing, "You buy him as you see him ; but he's an honest The Jfst Book. 239 beast." The purchaser took him home. In a few days he stumbled and fell, to the damage of his own knees and his rider's head. On this the angry purchaser remon- strated with the laird, whose rejily was, " Well, sir, I told you he was an honest boast ; many a time has he threat- encd to come down with me, and I kenned he would keep his zvord some day. " MCI. — "you 'lL get there before I C.\N TELL YOU." Mr. Neville, formerly a fellow of Jesus College, was distinguished, by many innocent singularities, uncommon shyness, and stammering of speech, but when he used i>ad words he could talk lluently. In one of his solitary rambles a countryman met him and inquired the road. "Tu — u — rn," says Neville, "to — to — to — " and so on for a minute or two ; at last he burst out, " Confound it., 7nan ! you 7/ get there be/ore J ca?i tell you ! " MCII. — ON MR. MILTON, THE LIVERY ST.A.BLE-KEEPER. Two Miltons, in separate ages were bom, The cleverer Milton 'tis clear we have got ; Though the other had talents the world to adorn. This lives by his nunvs, which the other could not ! MCML — A LONG RESIDENCE. The following complacent Scottish remark upon Ban- nockburn was made to a s]ilenetic Englisliman, who had said to a Scottish countryman that no man of taste would think of remaining any time in such a country as Scotland. To which the canny Scot replied, "Tastes differ; I 'se tak' ye to a place no far frae Stirling, wliaur thretty thou- sand o' yer countrymen ha' been for five hunder years, an' they 've nae thocht o' lea-'in' yet." MCIV. — SPARE THE ROD. A SCHOOLBOY being asked by the teacher how he should flog him, replied, "If you please, sir, I should like to have it ujion the Italian system — the heavy strokes up- wards, and tiie down ones light." 240 The Jest Book. MCV. — POLITICAL SINECURE. CuRRAN, after a debate which gave rise to high words, put his hand to his heart, and declared that he was the trusty guardian of his own honor. Upon which Sir Boyle Roche congratulated his honorable friend on the snug httle sinecure he had discovered for himself. MCVI. — EPIGRAM ON A PETIT-MAlTRE PHYSICIAN. When Pennington for female ills indites, Studying alone not what, but how he writes, The ladies, as his graceful form they scan. Cry, with ill-omened rapture, — " Killing man ! " MCVI I. — DAMPED ARDOR. Jerrold and Laman Blanchard were strolling together about London, discussing passionately a plan for joining Byron in Greece, when a heavy shower of rain wetted them through. Jerrold, telling the stoiy many years after, said, "That shower of rain washed all the Greece out of us." MCVIII. — -ELLISTON AND GEORGE IV. In 1824, when the question of erecting a monument to Shakespeare, in his native town, was agitated by Mr. Math- ews and Mr. Bunn, the King (George IV.) took a lively interest in the matter, and, considering that the leading people of both the patent theatres should be consulted, directed Sir Charies Long, Sir George Beaumont, and Sir Francis Freeling to ascertain Mr. Elliston's sentiments on the subject. As soon as these distinguished individuals (who had come direct from, and were going direct back to, the Palace) had delivered themselves of their mission, Elliston replied, " Very well, gentlemen, leave the papers with me, and / will talk oz'er the business ^vith HIS Ma- jesty." MCIX. — TRUTH AND FICTION. A TRAVELLER relating his adventures, told the company that he and his ser%'ants had made fifty wild Arabs run ; which startling them, he observed, that there was no great The Jest Book. 241 matter in it, — " For," says he, "we ran, and they ran after us.'' MCX. — A REASONABLE REFUSAL. At llie time of expected invasion at the beginning of the centur)', some of the town magistrates called upon an old maiden lady of Montrose, and solicited her subscrip- tion to raise men for the service of tlie King. "In- deed," she answered right sturdily, "I'll do nae sic thing ; I ne\er could raise a man for tnysd, and I 'm no gaun to raise men for King George." MCXI. — LORD north's DROLLERY. A VEHEMENT political declaimer, calling aloud for the head of Lord North, turned round and perceived his vic- tim unconsciously indulging in a quiet slumber, and, be- coming still more exasperated, denounced the Minister as capable of sleeping while he ruined his country ; the latter only complained how cruel it was to be denied a solace which other criminals so often enjoyed, that of having a night's rest before their fate. On Mr. Martin's proposal to have a starling placed near the chair, and taught to re- peat the cry of ^'■Infamous coalition .'" Lord North coolly suggested, that, as long as the worthy member was pre- served to them, it would be a needless waste of the public money, since the starling might well perform his office by deputy. MC.Xn. — INCAPACITY. A YOUNG ecclesiastic asked his bishop permission to preach, "/would permit you," answered the prelate; "but nature will not." MCXIU. — EPIGRAM. (Suggested by hearing a debate in the House of Commons.) To wonder now at Balaam's ass were weak ; Is there a night that asses do not speak ? MCXIV. — VALUE OF NOTHING. PoRSON one day sent his gyp with a note to a certain 16 242 The Jest Book. Cantab, requesting him to find the vahie of nothing. Next day he met liis friend walking, and sto]iping him, desired to know, " Whether he had succeeded ? " His friend answered, "Yes!" — "And what may it be?" asked Porson. " A'-r/cz/cf/" repUed the Cantab, "which I gave the man for bringing the note." MCXV. — THE RIGHT ORGAN. Spurzheim was lecturing on phrenology. "What is to be conceived the organ of drunkenness ? " said the pro- fessor. "The /'a;';r/-organ," interrupted an auditor. MCXVI. — MIND YOUR POINTS. A WRITER, in describing the last scene of "Othello," had this exquisite passage : " Upon which the Moor, seiz- ing a bolster J III I of rage and jealousy, smothers her." MCXVII. — REASONS FOR DRINKING. Dr. Aldrich, of convivial memory, said there were five reasons for drinking : — " Good wine, a friend, or being dry, Or lest you should be by and by, Or any other reason why." MCXVIII. — NO MATTER WHAT COLOR. An eminent Scottish divine met two of his own parish- ioners at the house of a lawyer, whom he considered too sharp a practitioner. The lawyer imgraciously put the question, " Doctor, these are members of your flock ; may I ask, do you look upon them as white sheep or as black sheep?" — "I don't know," answered the divine diyly, " whether they are black or white sheep ; but I know, if they are long here, they are pretty sure to hejieeeed." MCXIX. — AN ODD OCCURRENCE. At a wedding the other day one of the guests, who of- ten is a little absent-minded, observed gravely, "1 have often remarked that there have been more women than men married this year," Tlu- Jfst Book. 243 MCXX. — A DANGEROUS GENERALIZATION. A TUTOR bidding one of liis pujiils, whose name was Charles Howl, to maiie some English verses, and seeiny he put tcclh to rhyme willi fa't, told hini he was wrony; there, as that was no proper riiyme. Charles answered, " Vou have often told me liiat II was no letter, and there- fore this is good rhyme." His tutor said, "Take heed, Charles, of that evasion, for that will make you an owl.'''' MCXXI. — NOSCE TE It'SUM. Sheridan was one day mucli annoyed l)y a fellow- member of the House of Commons, who kept erying out every few minutes, " Hear ! hear ! " During the debate he took occasion to describe a political contemporary that wished to play rogue, but had only sense enough to act fool. "Where," exclaimed he, with great emphasis — " where shall we find a more foolish knave or a more knavish fool than he?" — "Hear! hear!" was shouted by the troublesome member. Sheridan turned round, and, thanking him for the promjH information, sat down amid a general roar of laughter. MCXXII. — VERA CANNIE. A YOUNG lady, pressed by friends to marry a decent, but poor man, on the plea, " yJ/arrj' for Ijve, and -work for siller," replied, "It's a' vera true, but a kiss and a tinniefu* o' cauld water maks a gey wersh f breakfast." MCXXIII. — TIMELY AID. A LADY was followed by a beggar, who very importu- nately asked her for alms. .She refused him ; when he quitted her, saying, with a profound sigh, " Yet the alms I asked you for would have ]irevented me executing my present resolution ! " Tiie lady was alarmed lest the man should commit some rash attempt on his own life. She called him back, and gave him a sliilling, and asked him the meaning of wiiat he hail just said. " Madam," said the fellow, laying hold of the money, "I have been * Tinnie, the small porringer of children. f Insipid. 244 ^''''' y^'^^ Book. Ih'gcringsW day in vain, and but for this shilling I should have been obliged to work ! " MCXXIV. —WHIST. Mrs. Bray relates the following of a Devonshire physi- cian, happily named Vial, who was a desperate lover of whist. One evening in the midst of a deal, the doctor fell off his chair in a fit. Consternation seized on the compa- ny. Was he alive or dead ? At length he showed signs of life, and, retaining the last fond idea which had pos- sessed him at the moment he fell into the fit, exclaimed, ''IVhat is trumps?" MCXXV. — HENRY ERSKINE. The late Hon. Henry Erskine met his acquaintance Jemmy Ba — four, a barrister, who dealt in hard w-ords and circumlocutious sentences. Perceiving that his ankle was tied up with a silk handkerchiei', the former asked the cause. " Why, my dear sir," answered the wordy law- yer, "I was taking a romantic ramble in my brother's grounds, when, coming to a gate, I had to climb over it, by which I came in contact with the first bar, and have grazed the epidermis on my skin, attended with a slight extravasation of blood." — "You may thank your lucky stars," replied Mr. Erskine, " that your brother's ^a/t' was not as lofty as your style, or you must have broken your neck." MCXXVI. — THE ABBEY CHURCH AT BATH. These walls, so full of monuments and bust. Show how Bath waters serve to lay the dust. MCXXVI I. ^ — TOO MUCH AND TOO LITLLE. Two friends meeting after an absence of some years, during which time the one had increased considerably in bulk, and the other still resembled only the "effigy of a man," — said the stout gentleman, "Why, Dick, you look as if you had not had a dinner since I saw you last." — "And you," replied the other, " Icok as if you had been at dinner e~'er since." The Jest Book. 245 MCXXVIII. — SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT. An arch boy was feeding a magpie wiien a gentleman in the neigiiboihood, who liad an impediment in his speech, coming up, said, "T — T — T — Tom, can your mag t — t — talk yet ? " — " Ay, sir," says the boy, " better than yoii, or 1 'd wring his head offy MCXXIX. — AN EAST INDIAN CHAPLAINCY. The best history of a serpent we ever remember to have read, was of one killed near one of our settlements in the East Indies ; in whose body \\\cy found the chaplain of the garrison, all in black, the Rev. Mr. , and who, after having been missing for above a week, was discovered in this very inconvenient situation. MCXXX. — CONSTANCY. CuRRAN, hearing that a stingy and slovenly barrister had started for the Continent with a shirt and a guinea, observed, " He'll not change either till he comes back." MCXXXL — EPIGRAM. (On hearing a prosing harangue from a certain Bishop. ) When he holds forth, his reverence doth appear So lengthily his subject to jiursue, That listeners (out of patience) often fear He has indeed eternity in view. MCXXXII. — SPEAKING OF SAUSAGES. Mr. Smith passed a pork-shop the other day, — Mr. Smith whistled. The moment he did this, eveiy sausage "wagged its tail." As a note to this, we would mention that the day before he lost a Newfoundland dog, that weighed sixty-eight pounds. Mcxxxiii. — bringing his man down. Rogers used to relate this storj' : An Englishman and a Frenchman fought a duel in a darkened room. The Eng- lishman, unwilling to take his antagonist's life, generously 246 The Jest Book. fired up the chimney, and — brougJit do^vn the Frenehiitan. "When I tell this stoiy in France," pleasantly added the relator, " I make the Eiiglishnan go up the chimney." MCXXXIV. — A PERFECT BORE. Some one being asked if a certain authoress, whom he had long known, was not "a little tiresome?" — "Not at all," said he, " she ^iz.'s, perfectly tiresome." MCXXXV. — TOO CIVIL BY HALF. An Irish judge had a habit of begging pardon on every occasion. At the close of the assize, as he was about to leave the bench, the officer of the Court reminded him that he had not passed sentence of death on one of the crim- inals, as he had intended. " Dear me ! " said his lord- ship, " I really beg his pardon, — bring him in." MCXXXVI. - A LANDLADY, who exhibited an inordinate love for the vulgar fluid gin, would order her servant to get the sup- plies after the following fashion : " Betty, go and get a quartern loaf, and half a quartern of gin." Off started Betty. She was speedily recalled : " Betty, make it half a c[uartern loaf and a quartern of gin." But Betty had never fairly got across the threshold on the mission ere the voice was again heard : "Betty, on second thoughts, you may as well make it all gin." MCXXXVII. — THE CHURCH IN THE WAY. Dr. Johnson censured Gwyn, the architect, for taking down a church, which might have stood for many years, and building a new one in a more convenient place, for no other reason but that there might be a direct road ta a new bridge. "You are taking," said the doctor, "a cliui ch out of the way, that the people may go in a straight line to the bridge." — "No, sir," replied Gwyn: "1 am putting the church in the way, thai the people may not go out of the way. " The Jest Book. 247 MCXXXVIII. — SAVING TIME. A CANDIDATE at an election, ^\■ho wanted eloquence, when another had, in a long and brilliant speech, promised great things, got up and said, " Electors of G , all that he has said I will do." MCXXXIX. — THE YOUNCr IDEA. Schoolmistress (pointing to the first letter of the alphabet): " Come, now, what is that ?" Scholar: "1 sha'n't tell you." Schoolmistress: "You won't I But you must. Come, now, what is it?" Scholar : " I sha'n't tell you. I did n't come here \.o teach yoti, — but for you to teach me.'''' MCXL. — EPIGRAM. Two Harveys had a mutual wish To please in different stations ; For one excelled in Sauce for Fish, And one in Meditatious. Each had its pungent power applied To aid the dead and dying ; This relishes a sole when fried. That saves a soul horn frying. MCXLI. — EPITAPHS. If truth, perspicuity, wit, gravity, and every property pertaining to the ancient or modern ejiitaph, may be ex- pected united in one single epitaph, it is in one made for i?arbadge, tl\e tragedian, in the days of .Shakespeare, — the following l)eing the whole, — Exit Burbadge. Jerrold, perhaps, trumped this by his anticipator)' epi- taph on that excellent man and distinguished historian, Charles Knight, — " Good Knight." MCXLII. — N.ATIONAI, PREJUDICE. Foote being told of the appointment of a Scotch noble- man, said, "The Irish, sir, take us all in, and the Scotch turn us all out." 248 The Jest Book. MCXLIII. —GRANDILOQUENCE. A BOASTING fellow was asked, "Pray, sir, what may your business be?" — "O," replied the boaster, "I am but a cork- cutter : but then it is in a I'ery large way ! " — " Indeed I " replied the other; " then I presume you are a cutter of bungs ? " MCXLIV. — THE LETTER C. Curious coincidences respecting the letter C, as con- nected with the Princess Charlotte, daughter of George IV. : — Her mother's name was Caroline, her own name was Charlotte ; that of her consort Cobourg ; she was married at Carlton House ; her town residence was at Camelford House, the late owner of wliich. Lord Camel- ford, was untimely killed in a duel ; her country residence Claremont, not long ago the property of Lord Clive, who ended his days by suicide ; she died in Childbed, the name of her accoucheur being Croft. MCXLV. — PRACTICAL RETORT. In a country theatre there were only seven persons in the house one night. The pit took offence at the misera- ble acting of a performer, and hissed him energetically ; whereupon the manager brought his company on the stage, and oiit-hissed the visitors. MCXLVI. — AN AGREEABLE PRACTICE. Dr. Garth (so he is called in the manuscript), who was one of the Kit-Kat Club, coming there one night, declared he must soon be gone, having many patients to attend ; but some good wine being produced he forgot them. When Sir Richard Steele reminded him of his patients, Garth immediately said, " It's no great matter whether I see them to-night or not ; for nine of them have such had constitutions that all the physicians in the world can't save them, and the other six have so ^fO(/ constitutions that all the physicians in the world can't kill them." .MCXLVIL — A REASON FOR RUNNING AWAY. Owen Moore has run away. Owing more than he can pay. The Jist Book. 249 MCXLVIII. — LEGAL EXTRAVAGANCE. " Hurrah ! Hurrah I " cried a young lawyer, who had succeeded to his father's practice, " I 've settled that old chancery suit at last. " — '■'^ Set/led it! " cried the astonished parent, " why I gave you that asrt« annuity ioryoMX life." MCXLIX. — A CLAIM O.N THE COU.VTRY. " As you do not belong to my ]iarish," said a clergyman to a begging sailor, with a wooden leg, "you cannot ex- pect that I should relieve you." — "Sir," said the sailor, with a noble air, " I lost my leg fighting for all parishes." MCL. — PLAIN SI'EAKING. Ge(JRGe II., who was fond of Whiston the philosopher, one day, during his persecution, said to him, that, how- ever right he might be in his opinions, he had better sup- press them. " llad Martin Lutlier (/(7«f j-t)," replied the philosopher, "your majesty would not have been on the throne of England. " .MCLI. — THE PLURAL NUMBER. A BOY being asked what was the plural of "penny," replied, with great promptness and simplicity, ^^ two- pence. " MCLIL — MAULE-PRACTICE. A MA.N having broken open a young lady's jewel-case (the offence was differently described in the indictment), pleaded that he had done so with consent. " In the fu- ture," said Mr. Justice Maule, " When you receive a lady's consent under similar circumstances, gel it, if pos- sible, in writing." MCLIIL — VERY LIKELY. An English officer lost his leg at the battle of Vittoria, and after suffering amputation with the greatest courage, thus addressed his servant who was cr)ing, or pretending to cry, in one corner of the room, " None of your hypo- critical tears, you idle dog ; you know you are ver)' glad, 250 The Jest Book. for now you will have only one boot to clean instead of twor MCLIV. — MUCH ALIKE. A SAILOR was asked, " Where did your father die?" — 'In a storm," answered the sailor. "And your grand- father ? " — "He was drowned. " — " And your great- grandfather ? " — " He perished at sea." — " How, then," said the questioner, ' ' dare you go to sea, since all your ancestors perished there ? you needs must be veiy rash. " — " Master," replied the sailor, " do me the favor of tell- ing me where your father died?" — "Veiy comfortably in a bed." — "And your forefathers?" — " In the same manner, — very quietly in their beds." — " Ah ! master," replied the sailor, "how, then, dare you go to bed, since all your ancestors died in it ? " MCLV. — A GOOD WIFE. A VERY excellent lady was desired by another to teach her what secrets she had to preserve her husband's favor. " It is, replied she, "by doing all \\\1l.\. pleases him, and by enduring patiently all that displeases me." MCLVI. — WELLINGTON SURPRISED. A NOBLEMAN ventured, in a moment of conviviality at his grace's table, to put this question to him : " Allow me to ask, as we are all here titled, if you were not sur- prised at Waterloo?" To which the duke responded, "No; but I am NOW." MCLVII. —TOO CLEVER. A COUNTRY boy endeavored, to the utmost of his power, to make himself useful, and avoid being frequently told of many trifling things, as country lads generally are. His master having sent him down stairs for two bottles of wine, he said to him, "Well, John, have you shook them?" — "No, sir ; but I will," he replied, suiting the action to the word. MCLVIII. — A LIGHT JOKE. An eminent tallow-chandler was told that after his can- The Jest Book. 251 dies were burned down to the middle, not one of ihem would burn any longer. He was at first greatly enraged at what he de.'med a gross falsehood ; but the same even- ing he tried tiie experiment at home, and found it to be a fact, " that when burned to the middle, neither candle would burn any longer." MCLIX. — A REBUKE. A BRAGGART, whose face had been mauled in a pot- house brawl, asserted that he had received his scars in bat- tle. "Then," said an old soldier, "be careful the ne.\t time you run away, and don't lookback.'" MCLX. — A MODEL PHILANTHROPIST. "Bobby, what does your father do for a living?" — " He 's a philanthropist, sir." — " A what ? " — " A phi- lan-thro-pist, sir, — he collects money for Central Amer- ica, and builds houses out of the proceeds. " MCLXI. — GREAT CABBAGE. A FOREIGNER asked an English tailor how much cloth was necessary for a suit of clothes. He replied, ttuelve yards. Astonished at the quantity, he went to another, who said sei'en would be quite sufficient. Not thinking of the exorbitancy even of this demand, all his rage was against the first tailor: so to him he went. " How did you dare, sir, ask twelve yards of cloth, to make me what your neighljor says he can do for seven ? " — " Lord, sir ! " replied the man, "my neighbor can easily do it, he has but three children to clothe, I have j/x." MCLXIL — TRUE AND FALSE. A BEGGAR asking alms under the name of a poor schol- ar, a gentleman to wh<3m he ajiplied himself, asked him a c|uestion in Latin. The fellow, shaking his head, said he clid not understand him. " Why," said the gentleman, "did you not say you were a poor scholar? " — " Yes," replied the other, " d. poor one indeed, sir, for I do not un- derstand one word of Latin." 252 The Jest Book. MCLXIII. — NOT QUITE CORRECT. A HUNTSMAN, reported to have lived with Mr. Beck- ford, was not so correct in his conversation as he was in his professional employments. One day when he had been out with the young hounds, Mr. B. sent for him, and asked what sport he had had, and how the hounds behaved. "Very great sjiort, sir, and no hounds could behave bet- ter." — " Did you run him long ? " — "They run him up- wards of five hours successfully.''' — "So then you did kill him ? " — " O no, sir ; we lost him at last. " MCLXIV. — A FOOL CONFIRMED. Dr. Parr, who was neither very choice nor delicate in his epithets, once called a clergyman 2l fool, and there was probably some truth in his application of the word. The clergyman, however, being of a different opinion, declared he would complain to the bishop of the usage. " Do so," added the learned Grecian, "and my Lord Bishop will confirm you." MCLXV. — PLEASANT. A COUNTRY dentist advertises that "he spares no pains " to render his operations satisfactory. MCLXVI. — ALERE FLAMMAN. Mrs. B desired Dr. Johnson to give his opinion of a new work she had just written, adding, that if it would not do, she begged him to tell her, for she had other irons in the fire, and in case of its not being likely to succeed, she could bring out something else. "Then," said the doctor, after having turned over a few of the leaves, " I advise you, madam, to put it where your other irons are." MCLXVII. — ORATORY. At the time when Sir Richard Steele was preparing his- great room in York Buildings for public orations, he was behindhand in his payments to the workmen ; and coming one day among them, to see what progress they made, he ordered the carpenter to get into the rostrum, and speak anything that came uppermost, that he might observe how The Jest Book. 253 it could be heard. "Why then. Sir Richard," says the fellow, "here have we been working for you these six months, and cannot get one penny of money. Pray, sir, when do you mean to jiay us ? " — - " Very well, very well," said Sir Ricliard ; " pray come down ; I have heard o^Wq enough ; 1 cannot l)ut own you speak very distinctly, though I don't much admire your subject." MCLXVIII. soldiers' WIVES. The late Duchess of York having desired her house- keeper to seek out a new laundress, a decent-looking wo- man was recommended to the situation. "But," said the housekeeper, " 1 am afraid she will not suit your royal highness, as she is a soldiers 7^>i/e, and these peo])le are gen- erally loose characters !^' — " What is it you say ? ' said the tluke, who had just entered the room, ''^ a soldiei-'s wife ! Pray, madam, 7ohat is your mistress ? I desire that the woman may be immediately engaged." MCLXIX. — NO JOKE. A GENTLEMAN, finding his grounds trespassed on and robbed, set up a board in a most conspicuous situation, to scare oftendcrs, by the notification that " Steel-traps and Spring-guns are set in these Grounds"; — ^but finding that even tiiis was treated with contempt, he caused to be painted, in veiy (irominent letters, underneath, — • " No Joke, ijy the Lord Harry!" which had the desired effect. MCLXX. — A GOOD LIKENESS. A PERSON who had often teased another ineflTectually for subscriptions to charitable undertakings, was one day tell- ing him that he had just seen his picture. " And did you ask it for a subscri|)tion V" said the non-giver. "No, I saw no chance," replied the otlier ; " it was so like you." MCLXXL — CUTriNG AN ACQUAINTANCE. George Selwyn, happening to be at Bath when it was nearly empty, was induced, for the mere purpose of killing time, to cultivate tiie acquaintance of an elderly gentleman 254 Tlie Jest Book. he was in the habit of meeting at the Rooms. Tn the height of the following .season, Selwyn encountered his old associate in St. James's street. He endeavored to pass un- noticed, but in vain. " What ! don't you recollect me?" exclaimed the «^/'/i?£'. " I recollect you perfectly," replied Selwyn; "and when I next go to Bath, I shall be most l^appy to become acquainted -with you again. " MCLXXII. — VERY SHOCKING, IF TRUE. At a dinner-party, one of the guests used his knife im- pro]ierly in eating. At length a wag asked aloud : " Have you heard of poor L 's sad aftair ? I met him at a party yesterday, when to our great horror, he suddenly took up the knife, and " " Good heavens ! " interposed one of the ladies; "and did he cut his throat?" — " Why no," answered the relator, "he did not cut his throat with his knife ; but we all expected he would, for he actually////// up to his moiith.^'' MCLXXIII. — IMPOSSIBLE IN THE EVENING. Theodore Hook, about to be proposed a member of the Phoenix Club, inquired when they met. " Every Sat- urday eveningduring the winter," was the answer. " Even- ing ? O then," said he, "I shall never make a Phoenix, for I can't rise from the fire.'" MCLXXIV. — A GOOD APPETITE. A NOBLEMAN had a house-porter who was an enormous eater. "Frank," said he, one day, "tell me how many loins you could eat?" Ah, my lord, as for loins, not many ; five or six at most. " — " And how many legs of mutton ? " — " Ah, as for legs of mutton, not many ; seven or eight, perhaps." — "And fatted pullets?" — "Ah, as for pullets, my lord, not many ; not more than a dozen." — "And pigeons?" — "Ah, as for pigeons, not many; perhaps forty — fifty at most — according to appetite." — "And larks?"— "Ah, as for that, my lord — little larks — for ever, my lord — for ever T'' MCLXXV. — SHORT-SIGHTED. Dean Cowper, of Durham, who was very economical The Jest Book. 255 of his wine, descanting one day on the-extraordinary per- formance of a man wlio was blind, remarked, that the poor fellow could see no more than "that bottle." — "I do not wonder at it at all, sir," replied a minor canon, "for 'cve have seen no more than 'that bottle' all the afternoon. " MCLXXVI. — AN ADVANTAGEOUS TITHE. A'Beckett (mce said, " It seems that anything hkely to have an aiiiiiuil increase is liable to be tithed. Could not Lord S , by virtue of this liability, contrive to get rid of a part of his stupidity ? " MCLXXVII. — TRUTH versus POLITENESS. .\t a tea-party, where some Cantabs were present, the lady who was presiding " Hojied the tea was good." — " Very good, indeed, madam," was the general reply, till it came to the turn of one of the Cantabs, who, between truth and politeness observed. " That the tea was excel- lent, but the 'ioater was smoky I " MCLXXVin. — A NEW VIEW. Some people have a notion that villany ought to be exposed, though we must confess we think it a thing that deserves a hiding. MCLXXIX. — THE ONE-SPUR HORSEMAN. A STUDENT riding being jeered on the way for wearing but one spur, said tJiat if one side of his horse went on, it was not likely that the other would stay behind. [This is, no doubt, the original of the well-known pas- sage in Hudibras, — " For Iludibras wore but one spur ; As wisely knowing, could he stir To active trot one side of 's horse," &c.] MCLXXX. — A philosophical REASON. A SCHOLAR was asked why a black hen laid a white egg. He answered, " L'nuin contrariiim expellit alte- rum." 256 The Jest Book. MCLXXXI. — A PLAY UPON WORDS. A POACHER was carried before a magistrate upon a charge of killing game unlawfully in a nobleman's park, where he was caught in the fact. Being asked what he had to say in his defence, and what proof he could bring to support it, he replied, "May it please your worship, I know and confess that 1 was found in his lordship's park, as the witness has told you, but I can bring the whole par- ish to prove that, for the last thirty years, it has been my via unci:'''' MCLXXXII. — JEMMY GORDON. Jemmy Gordon, the well-known writer of many a theme and declamation for farmint-nnni, alias 7ion-reading Cantabs, having been complimented by an accjuaintance on the result of one of his themes, 'io which the prize of a certain college was awarded, quaintly enough replied, " It is no great credit to be first in an ass-race.''^ MCLXXXIII. — SETTING UP AND SITTING DOWN. Swift was one day in company with a young coxcomb, who, rising from his chair, said, with a conceited and con- fident air, " I would have you to know, Mr. Dean, I set up for a wit." — "Do you, indeed," replied the Dean; "Then take my advice, and sit down again." MCLXXXIV. — A SETTLED POINT. " A REFORMED Parliament," exclaimed a Conservative the other day, " will never do for this country." — " No ! but an itnrefonned would, and that quickly," replied a bystander. MCLXXXV. — JOLLY COMPANIONS. A MINISTER in Aberdeenshire, sacrificed so often and so freely to the jolly god, that the presbytery could no longer overlook his proceedings, and summoned him be- fore them to answer for his conduct. One of his elders, and constant companion in his social hours, was cited as a witness against him. " Well, John, did you ever see the The Jest Book. 257 Rev. Mr. C the worse of drink?" — " Weel, a wat no ; I 've monyatime seen liini the better o't, but I ne'er saw him the waur o't." — " 13ut did you never see him drunU ? " — " That's wliat I '11 ne'er see ; for before he be Jia/f slockeiia/, I'm ay' blind fu\" MCUCXXVI. — PAYING IN KIND. A CERTAIN Quaker slept at a hotel in a certain town. He was supplied with two wax candles. He retired early, and, as he had burned but a small part of the candles, he took them with him into his bedro(jm. In the morning, fnnling he was charged 2s. in his Ijill for wax candles, in- stead of fees to the waiter and chambermaid, he gave to each a wax candle. MCLXXXVII. — A rULL HOUSE. " What plan," said an actor to another, " shall I adopt to fill the house at my benefit?" — '■'■ hivite your cred- itors,^'' was the surly reply. MCLXXXVIII. — RATHER THE WORST HALF. On one occasion a lad, while at home for the holidays, complained to his mother that a scln)olfellow who slept with him look up half the bed. "And why not?" said the mother ; " he 's entitled to half, isn 't he ! " _ " Yes, mother," rejoined her son ; "but how would you like to liave him take out all the soft for his half? He will have his half out of the middle, and I have to sleep both sides of him I " MCLXXXIX. — FORCE OF HABIT. A SERVAN r of an old maiden lady, a patient of Dr. Poole, formerly of Edinburgh, was under orders to go to the doctor every morning to report the state of her health, how she had slept, (.\:c. , with strict injunctions alxvays to add, "with her compliments." At length, one" morning the girl brought this extraordinary message: ".Miss S 's compliments, and she de'ed last night at aiciit o 'clock ! " 17 258 The Jest Book. MCXC. — A WONDERFUL SIGHT. A JOLLY Jack-tar having strayed into Atkins's show at Bartholomew Fair, to have a look at the wild beasts, was much struck with the sight of a lion and a tiger in the same den. "Why, Jack," said h6 to a messmate, who was chewing a quid in silent amazement, "I shouldn't wonder if next year they were to cany about a sailor and a marine living peaceably together!" — "Aye," said his married companion, " or a man and wife.'''' MCXCL — BURKE AND FOX. Mr. Burke, in speaking of the indisposition of Mr. Fox, which prevented his making a motion for an inves- tigation into the conduct of Lord Sandwich, said, "No one laments Mr. Fox's illness more than I do ; and I de- clare that if he should continue ill, the inquiry into the conduct of the first Lord of the Admiralty should not be proceeded upon ; and, should the countiy suffer so serious a calamity as his death, it ought to be followed up ear- nestly and solemnly ; nay, of so much consequence is the inquiry to the public, that no bad use would be made of the skin of my departed friend, (should such, alas ! be his fate ! ) if, like that of John Zisca, it should be converted into a dnun, and used for the purpose of sounding an alarm to the people of England." MCXCn. — TRYING TO THE TEMPER. Lord Allen, in conversation with Rogers, the poet, observed : "I never put my razor into hot water, as I find it injures the temper of the blade." — "No doubt of it," replied Rogers ; "show me the blade that is not out of temper when plunged into hot water.^' MCXCIIL — HAVING A CALL. Mr. Dunlop, while making his pastoral visitations among some of the country members of his flock, came to a farm-house where he was expected ; and the mistress, thinking that he would be in need of refreshment, pro- posed that he should take his tea before engaging in exer- The Jest Book. 259 cises, and said she would soon have it ready. Mr. Dunlop rei^lied, " I aye tak' my tea better when my wark's dune. I Ml just be gaun on. Ve can hing the pan on, an' lea' the door ajar, an' I '11 draw to a close in the prayer when I hear the /mamjizzin'." MC.XCIV. — A WILL AND AWAY. It was a strange instance of alleged obedience to orders in the case of a father's will, which a brute of a fellow displayed in turning his younger brother out-of-doors. He was vociferously remonstrated with by the neighbors on the gross impropriety of such conduct. "Sure," said he, "it 's the will ; I 'm'ordered to divide the house betune myself and my brother, so I've taken the inside and given him the oit/s/de." MCXCV. - A WINDY MINISTER. In one of our northern counties, a rural district had its harvest operations seriously affected by continuous rains. The crops being much laid, wind was desired in order to restore them to a condition fit for the sickle. A minister, in his .Sabbath services, expressed their wants in prayer as follows: — "Send us wind, no a rantin', tantin', tearin' wind, but a noohin' (noughin ?), soughin', winnin' wind." More expressive words than these could not be found in any language. MCXCVI. — READY RECKONER. The Duke of Wellington, when Premier, was the ter- ror of the idlers in Downing Street. On one occasion when the Treasury clerks told him that some required mode of making up the accounts was impracticable, they were met with the curt reply : " Never mind, if you can't do it, I "11 send you half-a-dozen pay sergeants that will," — a hint that they did not fail to take. Mcxcvn. — A "distant" friend. Meeting a negro on the road, a traveller said, " You have lost some of vour friends, I see?" — "Yes, massa." 26o The Jest Book. — "Was it a near or a distant relative ? " — " Well, purty •distant, — 'bout tweitty-foiir mile,'" was the reply. MCXCVIII. — TYPOGRAPHICAL WIT. " Ho ! Tommy," bawls Type, to a brother in trade, "The ministry are to be clianged, it is said." " That 's good," rephed Tom, " but it better would be With a trifling erratmn." — " What ? " — " Dele the c" MCXCIX. — A NAMELESS MAN. A GENTLEMAN, thinking he was charged too much by a porter for the delivery of a parcel, asked him what his name was. " My name," replied the man, " is the same as my father's." — "And what is his name?" said the gentleman. " It is the same as mine." — "Then what are both your names? — " Why, they are both alike" answered the man again, and very deliberately walked off. MCC. — AN INSURMOUNTABLE DIFFICULTY. Booth, the tragedian, had a broken nose. A lady once remarked to him, "I like your acting, Mr. Booth ; but, to be frank with you, — I can'' t get oi'er your nose!" — " No wonder, madam," replied he, " the bridge is gone ! " MCCL — NON COMPOS. It is remarkable that is of an exceedingly cheerful dis]50sition, though the very little pieee of mind he possesses is proverbial. MCCIL — TOO LIBERAL. A WRITER in one of the Reviews was boasting that he was in thehabitof distributing literary reputation. "Yes," replied his friend, " and you have done it so profusely that you have left none for yourself." MCCIII. — A LITTLE RAIN. How monarchs die is easily explained, For thus upon their tombs it miglit be chiselled ; As long as Oeorgc the Fourth could reign, he reigned, And then he mizzled ! The Jest Book. 261 MCCIV. — TRUE DIGMTY. P — — had a liij^li res]iect for the Htcrary character. At a great man's lioiise a stranger stopped that V — — might enter the room before liim. "Pass, sir," said the master of the iiouse, "it is only Mr. P , tlie author." — "As my rank is mentioned,"' cried I*., "I shall claim the pref- erence "; and accordingly took the lead. MCCV. — HOW TO GET RID OF AN ENEMY. Dr. Me.\1), calling one d.iy on a gentleman who had been severely aHlicted with the gout, found, to his surprise, the disease gone, and the patient rejoicing on his recovery over a bottle of wine. "Ah !" said the doctor, shaking his head, " this Madeira will never do ; it is the cause of all your sufTering." — " Well, then," rejoined the gay in- curable, "fill your glass, for now we have found out //;^ cause, the sooner loe get rid of it the better." MCCVI. — SEVERE. A LADY asked a sailor whom she met, why a ship was called '■^ she." The son of Neptune replied that it was " because the rigging cost more than the hull." MCCVII. — NO SACRIFICE. A LINEN-DRAPER having advertised his stock to be sold under prime cost, a neighbor observed that, "It was im- possible, as he had woyiix paid a farthing for it himself" MCCVIII. — SHARP BOY. A MOTHER admonishing her son (a lad about seven years of age), told him he should never defer till to-morrow what he could do to-day. The little urchin replied, "Then, mother, let 's eat the remainder of the plum-pudding to- night." MClIX. - EARLY BIRDS OF PREY. A MERCHANT having been attacked by some thieves at five in the afternoon, said: "Gentlemen, you open shop early to-day." 262 The Jest Book. MCCX. — JUDGMENT. James the Second, when Duke of York, made a visit to Milton the poet, and asked him, amongst other tilings, if he did not think the loss of his sight a jiidgmeiU upon him for what he had written against his father, Charles the First. Milton answered, " If your Highness think my loss of sight a judgment upon me, what do you think of your father's losing his head ? " MCCXI. — ON A LADY WHO WAS PAINTED. It sounds like paradox, — and yet 't is true, You 're like your picture, though it's not like you. Mccxii. — rather a-curate. It is strange that the Church dignitaries, the further they advance in their profession, become the more incorri- gible ; at least, before they have gone many steps, they may be said to h^ past a CURE. Mccxiii. — money's worth. A RICH upstart once asked a poor person if he had any idea of the advantages arising from riches. "I believe they give a rogue an advantage over an honest man," was the reply. MCCXIV. — THE RICHMOND HOAX. One of the best practical jokes in Theodore Hook's clever "Gilbert Gurney," is Daly's hoax upon the lady who had never been at Richmond before, or, at least, knew none of the peculiarities of the place. Daly desired the waiter, after dinner, to bring some "maids of honor" — those cheesecakes for which the place has, time out of mind, been celebrated. The lady stared, then laughed, and asked, " What do you mean by ' maids of honor?' " — " Dear me ! " said Daly, "don't you know that this is so courtly a place, and so comjiletely under the influence of state etiquette, that everything in Richmond is called after the functionaries of the palace ? What are called cheesecakes elsewhere, are here called maids of honor ; a The Jest Book. 263 capon is called a lord chainl)cr]ain ; a goose is a lord stew- ard ; a roast pig is a master of the horse ; a pair of ducks, grooms of the ijedchaiiiber ; a gooseberry-tart, a gentleman usher of the black rod ; and so on." The unso])histicated lady was taken in, wiien she actually saw the maids of honor make their apj'iearancc in the shape of cheesecakes ; she convulsed the whole jiarty by turning to the waiter, and desiring him, in a sweet but decided tone, to bring her a gentleman usher of the black rod, if they had one in the house (juite cold ! MCCXV. — LORD CHATHAM. Lord Chatham had settled a plan for some sea expe- dition he had in view, and sent orders to Lord Anson to see the necessary arrangements taken immediately. Mr. Cleveland was sent from the Admiralty to remonstrate on the impossibility of obeying them. lie found his lordship in the most excruciating pain, from one of the most severe fits of the gout he had ever ex])erienced. " Impossible, sir," said he, "don't talk to me of impossibilities": and then, raising himself u]ion his legs, while the sweat stood in large drops upon his forehead, and every fibre of his body was convulsed with agony, " Go, sir, and tell his lordship, that he has to do with a minister who actually treads on impossibilities. " MCCXVI. — "I CAN GET THROUGH." In the cloisters of Trinity College, beneath the library, are grated windows, through which many of the students have occasionally, after the gates were locked, taken the liberty of ]iassing, without an exeat, in rather a novel style. A certain Cantat) was in the act of drawing himself through tiie bars, and being more than an ordinaiy mor- tal's bulk, he stuck fast. One of the fellows of the college passing, stepped up to the student and asked him ironi- cally, "If he should assist him?" — "Thank you," was the reply, "/ can get through!'''' at the same instant he drew liimself back on the outside. MCCXVn. — MAKING FREE. Formerly, members of parliament had the privilege of 264 The Jest Book. franking letters sent by post. When this was so, a sender on one occasion applied to tlie post-office to know why some of his franked letters had been charged. He was told that the name on the letter did not appear to be in his handwriting. "It was not," he replied, '■'■precisely the same ; but the truth is, I happened to be a little tipsy when I franked them." — "Then, sir, will you be so good in future as to write drunk when you makeyr^*^ ? " MCCXVIII. — FICTION AND TRUTH. Waller, the poet, who was bred at King's College, wrote a fine panegyric on Cromwell, when he assumed the protectorship. Upon the restoration of Charles, Wal- ler wrote another in praise of him, and presented it to the king in person. After his majesty had read the poem, he told Waller that he wrote a better on Cromwell. " Please your majesty," said Waller, like a true courtier, "we poets are always more happy m fiction than in truth.'''' MCCXIX. — A TAVERN DINNER. A PARTY of I'on-vivants, having drunk an immense quantity of wine, rang for the bill. The bill was accord- ingly brought, but the amount appeared so enormous to one of the company (not quite so far gone as the rest) that he stammered out, it was impossible so many bottles could have been drunk by seven persons. "True, sir," said the waiter, "but your honor forgets the three gentle- men under the table.'" MCCXX. — A FULL STOP. A GENTLEMAN was speaking of the kindness of his friends in visiting him. One old aunt, in particular, visited him tivice a year, and stayed six motiths each time. MCCXXL — FAT AND LEAN. A MAN, praising porter, said it was so excellent a bev- erage, that, though taken in great quantities, it always made him fat. "I have seen the lime," said another, "when it made you lean." — "When? I should be glad The Jest Book. 265 to know," inquired the eulogist. " Why, no longer ago than last night, — against a 'uiall." MCCXXII. — SELF-CONDEMNATION. Joseph II., emperor of Germany, travelling in his usual way, without his retinue, attended liy only a single aide-de-camp, arrived very late at the house of an English- man, who kept an inn in the Netherlands. After eating a few slices of ham and biscuit, the emperor and his attendant retired to rest, and in the morning paid their hill, which amounted to only three shillings and si.\])ence, English, and rode off. A few hours afterwards, several of his suite arrived, and the publican, understaniling the rank of his guest, appeared very uneasy. " Psha ! ])sha ! man," said one of the attendants, "Joseph is accustomed to such adventures, and will think no more of it." — " But I shall," replied the landlonl ; "and never forgive myself for having had an emperor in my house, and letting him oflT for three and sixpence. " MCCXXIII. — NICKNAMES. John Macee, formerly the jirinter of the Dublin Even- ing Post, was full of slirewdness and eccentricity. Several prosecutions were instituted against him by the govern- ment, and many "keen encounters of the tongue" took ]ilace on tliese occasions between him and John Scott, Lord Clonmel, who was at that period Chief Justice of tlie King's Bench. In addressing the Court in his own defence, Magee had occasion to allude to some public ciiaracter, who was better known by a familiar designa- tion. Tile official gravity of Clonmel was disturbed ; and he, with bilious asperity, reproved tiie printer, by saying, "Mr. Magee, we allow no nicknames in this court." — " \'ery well, John Scott,'" was the reply. MCC.XXIV. — A CALCULATION. After the death of the ]ioet Chatterton, there was found among his paj^ers, indorsed on a letter intended for publication, addressed to Beckford, then Lord Mayor, dated May 26, 1770, the following memorandum : "Ac- 266 The Jest Book. cepted by Eingley, set for, and thrown out of, the North Briton, 2 1st June, on account of the Lord Mayor's death : — Lost by his death on this essay . . . ^ i ii 6 Gained in elegies 2 2 O Gained in essays 3 3° Am glad he is dead by 3 13 6." Yet the evident heartlessness of this calculation has been ingeniously vindicated by Southey, in the Quarterly Eevieiv. MCCXXV. — ON THE PRICE OF ADMISSION TO SEE THE MAMMOTH HORSE. I WOULD not pay a coin to see An animal much larger ; Surely the mammoth horse must be Rather an oz>ercharger. MCCXXVI. — NOTHING BUT HEBREW. A Cantab chanced to enter a strange church, and after he had been seated some little time, another person was ushered into the same pew with liim. The stranger pulled out of his pocket a prayer-book, and offered to share it with the Cantab, though he perceived he had one in his hand. This courtesy proceeded from a mere ostentatious display of his learning, as it proved to be in Latin. The Cantab immediately declined the offer by saying, " Sir, I read nothing but Hebre-U) ! " MCCXXVII. — A GOOD RECOMMENDATION. When Captain Grose, who was very fat, first went over to Ireland, he one evening strolled into the principal meat market of Dublin, where the butchers, as usual, set up their usual cry of "What d'ye buy? What d'ye buy ? " Grose parried this for some time by saying he did not want anything. At last, a butcher starts from his stall, and eyeing Grose's figure, exclaimed, " Only say you buy your meat of me, sir, and you will make my fortune." The Jest Book. 267' MCCXXVIII. — QUID PRO QUO. An Irish la\\7er, famed for cross-examining, was, on one occasion, completely silenced by a horse-dealer. " Tray, Mr. , you belong to a very honest profes- sion?" — "I can't say so," replied the witness; "for, saving you laxoyers, I think it the most dishonest going." MCC.X.KIX. — SERVANTS. It was an observation of Elwes, the noted miser, that if you keep one servant your work will be done ; if you keep hoo, it will be half done ; and if you keep three, you will have to do it yourself. MCCXXX. — PLAIN ENOUGH. A GENTLEMAN, praising the personal charms of a very plain woman in the jircsence of Footc, the latter said : " .\nd why don't you lay claim to such an accomplished beauty?" — " What right have I to her?" exclaimed the gentleman. " Ever)' right, by the law of nations," replied Foote ; "every right, as \\\^ first discoverer." MCCXXXI. — A POSER. At Plymouth there is, or was, a small green opposite the Government House, over which no one was permitted to pass. \ot a creature was allowed to apjjroach, save the Cicneral's cow. One day old Lady D , having called at the General's, in order to make a short cut, bent her steps across the lawn, when she was arrested by the sentry calling out, and desiring her to return. "But," said lady D — — , with a stately air, "do you know who I am?" — " I don't know who you be, ma'am," replied the immovable sentry, "but I knows you b'aint — you b'aint the General" s cow." So Lady D wisely gave up the argument, and went the other way. MCCXXXII. — TRUE CRITICISM. A GENTLEMAN being prevailed upon to taste a lady's home-made wine, was asked for an opinion of what he had tasted. " I always give a candid one," said her 268 The Jest Book. guest, ' ' where eating and drinking are concerned. It is adiiiiral'/e stuff to catch Jlies. " MCCXXXIII. — ORIGIN OF THE TERM GROG. The British sailors had always been accustomed to drink tlieir allowance of brandy or rum clear, till Admiral Ver- non ordered those under his command to mix it with water. The innovation gave great offence to the sailors, and for a time rendered the commander very impopular among them. The admiral at that time wore a grogram coat, for which reason they nicknamed him "Old Grog," &c. Hence, by degrees, the mixed liquor he constrained them to drink universally obtained among them the name oi grog. MCCXXXIV. — WELL SAID. A GENTLEMAN, speaking of the happiness of the married state before his daughter, disparagingly said, "She who marries, does well ; but she who does not marry, does better." — " Well then," said the young lady, " I will 07i mot of Moore's for a week ; and his lordship once offered a wager of a considerable sum that the reciter was guiltless of understanding its point ; but he could get no one to ac- cept the bet. 77/.? Jat Book. 275 MCCLXI. — WHITE TEETH. Professor Saunderson, who occupied so distin- gushed a situation in the University of Camhricige as tliat of Lucasian I'rofessor of Mathematics, was (jtiite blind. Happening to make one in a large party, lie remarked of a lady, who had just left the room, that she had very 7ohite teeth. The company were anxious to learn how he had discovered this, which was very true. " I have reason," oh-ierved the professor, "to believe that the lady is not a fool, and I can think of no other motive for her laughing incessantly, as she did for a whole hour together." MCCLXir. — A PLEASANT PARTNER. A farmer having bought a barn in partnership with a neighbor who neglected to make use of it, plentifully stored his own part with corn, and expostulated with his partner on having laid out his money in so useless a way, adding, " Vou had belter do soinctliiiii; with it, as you see I have done." — "As to that, neighbor," replied the other, "every man has a right to do what he will with his own, and you have done so ; but I have made up my mind about my part of the property, — I shall set it on fire.'' MCCLXIII. — TWO CARRIAGES. Two ladies disputed for precedency, one the daughter of a wealthy tircwer, the other the daughter of a gentle- man of small fortune. " Vou are to consider, miss," said the brewer's daughter, "that my papa keeps a coach." — "Very true, miss," said the other, "and yon are to con- sider that he likewise keeps a dray.''' MCCLXIV. — EXCUSABLE FEAR. A HUSB.VND, who only opposed his wife's ill humor by silence, was told by a friend that he "was afraid of his wife. " — "It is not slic I am afraid of," replied the hus- band, "it is the noise." MCCLXV. — COLERIDGE AND THELWALL. Thelwall and Coleridge were sitting once in a beau- 276 The Jest Book. tiful recess in the Quantock Hills, when the latter said, " Citizen John, this is a fine place to talk treason in ! " — "Nay, Citizen Samuel," replied he ; " It is rather a place to make a man forget that there is any necessity i'or trea- son ! " MCCLXVI. — A FLASH OF WIT. Sydney Smith, after Macaulay's return from the East, remarked to a friend who had been speaking of the dis- tinguished conversationalist : " Yes, he is certainly more agreeable since his return from India. His enemies might perhaps have said before (though I never did so) that he talked rather too much ; but now he has occasional flashes of silence, that make his conversation perfectly delightfjd !"" MCCLXVI r. — LOST AND FOUND. The ferryman, whilst plying over a water which was only slightly agitated, was asked by a timid lady in his boat, whether any persons were ever lost in that river. "O no," said he, "we always yfWj Vw agin the next day." MCCLXVin. — A MILITARY AXIOM. An old soldier having been brought up to vote at an election at the expense of^ one of the candidates, voted for his opponent, and when reproached for his conduct, replied, "Always quarter upon the enemy, my lads; always qiia^-ter upon the enemy." MCCLXIX. — A FORCIBLE ARGUMENT. That erudite Cantab, Bishop Burnett, preaching be- fore Charles XL, being much warmed with his subject, uttered some religious truth with great vehemence, and at the same time, striking his fist on the desk with great violence, cried out, "Who dare deny this?" — "Faith," said the king, in a tone more //(?//<' than that of the orator, " nobody that is within the reach of that fist of yours.'"'' MCCLXX. — NOT TO BE DONE BROWN. Dr. Thomas Brown courted a lady for many years, The Jest Book. 277 but unsuccessfully, tluiiiii; whicli time it had been his cus- tom to drink the lady's health before that of any other ; but being oi)served one evening to omit it, a gentleman reminded him of it, and said, "Come, doctor, drink the lady, your toast." Tlie doctor replied, " I have toasted her many years, and I cannot make her Brown, so 1 '11 toast her no longer." MCCLXXI. — AN ODD NOTION. A LADY the other day meeting a girl who had lately left her service, inquired, "Well, .Nlaiy, where do you live now?" -" Please, ma'am, I don't live noTvherf now," rejoined the girl ; " I am married ! " MCCLXXII. — A SURE TAKE. An old sportsman, who, at the age of eighty-three, was met by a friend riding very fast, and was asked what he was in pursuit of ? " Why, sir," replied the other, " 1 am riding after my eighty-fourth year. " MCCLXXIII. — MR. TIERNEY's HUMOR. Mr. Tierney, when alluding to the difficulty the Foxites and Pittites had in passing over to join each other in attacking the Addington Ministry (forgetting at the moment how easily he had himself overcome a like diffi- culty in joining that .Ministry), alhuied to the puzzle of the Fox and the Goose, and did not clearly expound his idea. Whereupon, Mr. Dudley North said, "It's himself he means, — who left the Fox to go over to the Goose, and put the bag of oats in his pocket. " MCCLXXIV. — difference OF OPINION. " If I were so unlucky," said an officer, " as to have a stujiid son, I would certainly by all means make him ^par- son." A clergyman who was in company calmly replied. "You think differently, sir, [xo\\\ your father.''' MCCLXXV. — 0RTH0GR.\PHY. The laird of M'N b was writing a letter from an Edinburgh coffee-house, when a friend observed that he 278 The Jest Book. was setting at defiance the laws of orthography and gram- mar. " I ken that weel eno ' !" exclaimed the Highland chieftain, " but how can a man xurite grammar with a pen like this ? " MCCLXXVI. —A SHORT JOURNEY. "Zounds, fellow!" exclaimed a choleric old gentle- man to a very phlegmatic matter-of-fact person, "1 shall go out of my wits." — " Well, you won't have_/&r logo" said the phlegmatic man. MCCLXXVII. — lord HOWE. Admiral Lord Howe, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the middle of the night by the lieuten- ant of the watch, who informed him with great agitation that the ship was on fire near the magazine. " If that be the case, "said he, rising leisurely to put on his clothes, " we shall soon know it." The lieutenant flew back to the scene of danger, and almost instantly returning, ex- claimed, " You need not, sir, be afraid, the fire is extin- guished." — "Afraid!" exclaimed Howe, "what do you mean by that, sir? I never was afraid in my life" ; and looking the lieutenant full in the face, he added, " Pray, how does a man feel, sir, when he is afraid? I need not ask how Jw looks." MCCLXXVIIL — RATHER ETHEREAL. Dr. John Wilkins wrote a work in the reign of Charles II., to show the possibility of making a voyage to the moon. The Duchess of Newcastle, who was likewise notorious for her vagrant speculations, said to him, " Doc- tor, where am I to bait at in the upward journey ? " — "My lady," replied the doctor, "of all the people in the world, I never expected that question from you ; who have built so many castles in the air that you might lie every night at one oi your ormt." MCCLXXIX. — HENRY VHL This monarch, after the death of Jane Seymour, had some diffculty to get another wife. His first offer was to The Jest Book. 279 the Duchess Dowager of Milan ; l)iit her answer was, " She had but <>;/(• head ; if she liad (wo, one should have been at his service." MCCLXXX. — MELODRAMATIC HIT. Burke's was a complete failure, when he flung the dag- ger on the floor of the House of Commons, and produced nothing but a smothered laugh, and a joke from Sheridan. — " Tlie gentleman has brought us the knife, but where is the>r/t.?" MCCLXXXI. — A LONG ILLNESS. A CLERGYMAN in the country taking his text from the fourteenth verse of the third chapter of St. Matthew : " And Peter's wife's mother lay sick of a fever," preached three Sundays on the same subject. Soon after, two coun- try fellows going across a churchyard, and hearing the bell toll, one asked the other who it was for? " I can't exactly tell," replied he ; " but it may be for Peter's wife's mother, for she has been sick of a fever these three iveeks. " MCCLXXXII. — DIALOGUE IN THE WESTERN ISLANDS OF SCOTLAND. " How long is this loch ? " " It will be about twanty mile." "Twenty miles ! surely it cannot be so much ? " " Maybe it will be twelve." "It (loes not really seem more than four." " Indeed, I 'm thinking you 're right." " Really, you seem to know nothing about the matter." " Troth, I canna say I c/o." MCCLXXXIIL —what's IN A NAME? Soon after Lord -'s elevation to the peerage, here- marked that authors were often ven.' ridiculous in tiie /Ms they gave. "That," said a distinguished writer present, " is an error from which even sovereigns appear not to be exempt" 28o The Jest Book. MCCLXXXIV. — TILLOTSON. "Who was then Arclibisliop of Canterbur}', on King William's complaining of the shortness of his sermon, an- swered, " Sire, could I have bestowed more time upon it, it would not have been so long!" MCCLXXXV. — IMPORTANT TO BACHELORS. Some clever fellow has invented a new kind of ink, called "the love-letter ink." It is a sure preventive against all cases of " breacli of promise," as the ink fades away, and leaves the sheet blank, in about four weeks after being written upon. MCCLXXXVI. — CHIN-SURVEYING. A PERSON not far from Torrington, Devon, whose face is somewhat above the ordinary dimensions, has been waited on and shaved by a certain barber every day for twenty-one years, without coming to any regular settle- ment ; the tradesman, thinking it time to wind u]3 the ac- count, carried in his bill, charging one penny per day, which amounted to 31/. 9^. 2d. The gentleman, thinking this rather exorbitant, made some scruple about payment, when the tonsor proposed, if his customer thought proper, to charge by the acre, at the rate of 200/. This was read- ily agreed to, and on measuring the premises, 192 square inches proved to be the contents, which, traversed over 7670 tunes, would measure 1,472,640 inches, the charge for which would be 46/. 19J. \d. — being 15/. 9J. lid. in favor of chin-surveying. MCCLXXXVII. — CHANGING HATS. Barry the painter was with Nollekens at Rome in 1760, and they were extremely intimate. I^arry took the liberty one night, wlien they were about to leave the Eng- lish coffee-house, to exchange hats with him. IJarry's was edged with lace, and Nollekens's was a very shabby, plain one. Upon his returning the hat the next morning, he was asked by Nollekens why he left him his gold-laced hat. " Why, to tell you the truth, my dear Joey," an- The Jest Book. 281 swcred Barry, " I fully exijected assassination last niarty of laborers sinking a well. "What are you about?" he inquired. "Boring for water, sir," was the answer. "Water's a bore at any time," responded Hook; "besides, you're quite wrong ; remember the old proverb, — ' Let -well alone.'" MCCCLII. — ON A GENTLEMAN NAMED HEDDY. In reading his name it may truly be said. You will make that man dy if you cut off his Hed. MCCCLIIL — THE WAY TO KEW. HooK, in the supposed character of (iower-street un- dergraduate, says : "One problem was given me to work whicli I di(l in a twinkling. Oiven C A B to find Q. Anrwer: Take your C .4 />* through Hammersmith, turn to the left just before you come to Brentford, and Kew is right before you." MCCCLIV. — ABOVE PROOF. An Kast-India Governor having died abroad, his body 298 The Jest Book. was put in arrack, to preserve it for interment, in England. A sailor on board the ship being frequently drunk, the captain forbade the purser, and indeed all in the ship, to let him have any liquor. Shortly after the fellow appeared very drunk. How he obtained the liquor, no one could guess. The captain resolved to find out, promising to for- give him if he would tell from whom he got the liquor. After some hesitation, he hiccupped out, "Why, please your honor, I tapped the Governor.''' MCCCLV. — AWKWARD ORTHOGRAPHY. Mathews once went to Wakefield, then, from com- mercial failures, in a dreadful state. In vain did he an- nounce his inimitable "Youthful Days"; the Yorkshire- men came not. When he progressed to Edinburgh, a friend asked him if he made much money in Wakefield. " Not a shilling ! " was the reply. " Not a shilling ! " reiterated his astonished acquaintance. "Why, didn't you go there to star V — "Yes," replied Mathews, with mirthful moumfulness ; "but they spell it with a ve in Wakefield." MCCCLVI. — MISS WILBERFORCE. When Mr. Wilberforce was a candidate for Hull, his sister, an amiable and witty young lady, offered the com- pliment of a new gowm to each of the wives of those free- men who voted for her brother, on which she was saluted with a ciy of "Miss Wilberforce for e-'er!'" when she pleasantly observed, "I thank you, gentlemen, but I can not agree with you ; for really, I do not wish to be Miss IVilberforcefor ever! " MCCCLVII. — WRITTEN ON THE UNION, 180I, BY A BARRISTER OF DUBLIN. Why should we explain, that the times are so bad. Pursuing a querulous strain ? When Erin gives up all the rights that she had, What right has she left to complain '^ The Jest Book. 299 MCCCLVIII. — A COOL PROPOSITION. At the breakin^j up of a fashionable party at the west end of town, one of tlie company said he was about to "drop in" at Lady Rlessington's ; whereupon a young genllenian, a perfect stranger to the s]ieaker, very mod- estly said, " C) then, you can take nie with you ; I want very much to know her, and you can introduce me." While the other was standing aghast at the imiiudence of the proposal, and muttering sometliing about lieing but a slight acipiaintance himself, etc., Sydney Smith observed, " I'ray olilige our young friend ; you can do it easily enough by introilucing him in a capacity very desirable at this close season of the year, — say you are bringing with you the cool of the evening. " MCCCLIX. — A PROPER NAME. WiiK.N Messrs. Abbot and Egerton took the old Co- burg Tiieatrc for the purpose of bringing forward the legitimate drama, the former gentleman asked Hook if he could suggest a new name, the old being too much iden- tified with blue fire and broadswords to suit the proposed change of performance. "Why," said Hook, "as you will of course butcher everything you attempt, suppose you call it Abkitoir." MCCCLX. — THE GRANDSON. Horace Walpole, on one occasion observed that there had existed the same indecision, irresolution, and want of system in the politics of Queen Anne, as at the time he sjioke, imder the reign of George the Third. "But," added he, "there is nothing new under the j«///"— "No," said George .Selwyn, "nor under the grand-son ! " MCCCLXI. — AN unanswerable ARGUMENT. A WELL-FED rector was advising a ]ioor starving laborer to trust to Providence, and be satisfied with his lot. " .A.h !" replied the needy man, "I should be satisfied with his lot if I hatl it, but I can't get even a little." 300 The Jest Book. MCCCLXII. —TO LADY, MOUNT E , ON THE DEATH OF A FAVORITE PIG. O DRY that tear so round and big, Nor waste in sighs your precious wind ; Death only takes a single pi f; — Your lord and son are still behind. MCCCLXIII. — NATURAL. Mrs. Smith, hearing strange sounds, inquired of her new servant if she snored in her sleep. "I don't know, marm,"' replied Becky, quite innocently; "I never lay awake long enough to diskiver." MCCCLXIV. — BROTHERLY LOVE. An affectionate Irishman once enlisted in the 75th Regiment, in order to be near his brother, who was a cor- poral in the "jbth. MCCCLXV. — A DISTRESSFUL DENOUEMENT. Mr. Moore having been long under a prosecution in Doctors' Commons, his proctor called on him one day whilst he was composing the tragedy of The Gamester. The proctor having sat down, he read him four acts of the piece, being all he had written ; by which the man of law was so affected, that he exclaimed, "Good! good! can you add to this couple's distress in the last act?" — " O, very easily," said the poet, " I intend \.o pnt them into the Ecclesiastical Court.''' MCCCLXVr. —CONSERVATIVE LOGIC. " Taxes are equal is a dogma which I '11 prove at once," exclaimed a Tory boor ; "Taxation hardly presses on the rich. And likewise /;wj^J hardly on the poor." MCCCLXVn. — THE BEST WINE. Sheridan being asked what wine he liked best, replied, " The wine of other people.^'' The Jest Book. 301 MCCCLXVIII. — A VALUABLE BEAVER. A GRAND entertainment takinjj place at Relvoir Castle, on the occasion uf the coming of age of the Marquis of Granby, the company were going out to see the fireworks, when Theodore Hook came in great tribulation to the Duke of Rutland, who was standing near Sir Robert Peel, and said : " Now is n't this provoking ? I 've lost my hat. What can I do?" — "Why did you part with your hat? I never do," said his Grace. "Ay ! " rejoined Theodore, " but you have especial good reasons for sticking to your Beaver'" (Belvoir). MCCCLXIX. — SOMETHING TO POCKET. A DIMINUTIVE lawyer appearing as witness in one of the Courts, was asked by a gigantic counsellor what profession he was of; and having replied that he was an attorney, — " You a la\\'yer ! " said Brief; "why I could jjut you in my pocket." — - " Vcrj' likely you may," rejoined the other; "and if you do, you will have more law in your pocket than ev^er )ou had in your head. " MCCCLXX. — UP AND DOWN. At the Irish bar, Moran Mahaflfy, Esq., was as much above the middle size as Mr. Collis was below it. When Lord Redesdale was Lord Chancellor of Ireland, Messrs. MahalTy and Collis happened to be retained in the same case a short time after his lordship's elevation, and before he was accpiainted personally with the Irish bar. Mr. Collis was opening the motion, when Lord R. observed, " Mr. Collis, when a barrister addresses the court, he must stand." — " I am standing on the bench, my lord," said Collis. "I beg a thousand pardons," replied his lordship, somewhat confused; " sit down, Mr. Mahaffy. " — "I am sittiiv:;, my lord," was the re,>ly to the con- founded Chancellor. MCCCLXXI. — A POOR SUBSTITUTE. The Rev. Mr. Johnston was one of those rough but quaint preachers of the former generation who were fond of visiting and good living. While seated at the table of 302 " The Jest Book. a good lady in a neighboring parish, she asked him if he took milk in his tea. "Yes, ma'am when I can't get cream,''' was the ready reply. MCCCLXXII. — OUT OF SPIRITS. " Is my wife out of spirits ? " said John with a sigh, As her voice of a tempest gave warning. " Quite out, sir, indeed," said her maid in reply, " For ^h.t Jinished the bottle this morning." MCCCLXXIII. — GOOD AT THE HALT. Peter Macnally, an Irish attorney, was very lame, and, when walking, had an unfortunate limp, which he could not bear to be told of. At the time of the Reliellion he was seized with a military ardor, and when the different volunteer corps were forming in Dublin, that of the law- yers was organized. Meeting with Curran, Macnally said, " My dear friend, tl:ese are not times for a man to be idle ; I am determined to enter the lawyers' corps, and follow the camp." — "You follow the camp, my Httle limb of the law!" said the wit; "tut, tut, renounce the idea; you never can be a disciplinarian." — "And why not, Mr. Curran?" said Macnally. "For this reason," said Curran ; " the moment you were ordered to march, you would halt ! " MCCCLXXIV. — an easy WAY, A PERSON deei>ly in debt, was walking through the streets in a melancholy way, when a friend asked him the cause of his sadness. "I owe money and cannot pay it," said the man, in a tone of extreme dejection. " Can 't you leave all the uneasiness to your creditors ? " replied the other. "Is it not enough that one should be sorry for what neither of yon can help '^ " MCCCLXXV. — ERUDITE. A LADY had a favorite lapdog, which she called Pe>'- chance. " A singular name," said somebody, " for a beau- tiful pet, madam. Where did you find it?" — "O," drawled she, "it was named from Byron's dog. You remember where he says, ' Perchance my dog will howl.' ' The Jest Book. 303 MCCCLXXVI. — VERY EASY. On the approach of Holy Week, a great lady said to her friend, " We must, however, mortify ourselves rt/Z/Z/i'." — " Well," replied the other, " let us make our seit-ants fast:' MCCCLXXVI I. — A WINNER AT CARDS. A GENTLEMAN riding one day near Richmond, observed a house deligiitfully situated, and asking his companion to whom it belonged, was answered, "To a rtirit-wa/cc'r.'^ ^ — "Upon my life," he replied, " one would imagine all that man's cards must have been tnivips. " MCCCLXXVIIL — EPIGRAM. The chanty of Closefist give to fame. He has at last subscribed — -how much ? — his name. MCCCLXXIX. — AN INCONVENIENT BREAK DOWN. The play of " King T.ear " being performed at Reading, the representative of Gldster was, on one occasion, taken ill, and another actor was found to take the part at a short notice. lie got on famously as far as the scene where Gld'ster had his eyes put out, when he came to a stand still, and was obliged to beg permission to read the rest of the part. MCCCLXXX. —SMALL TALK. FuSEi.l had a great dislike to common-place observa- tions. After sitting perfectly quiet for a long time in his own room, during the " bald disjointed chat " of some idle visitors, who were gabbling with one another about the weather, and other topics of as interesting a nature, he sud- denly exclaimed, " We had pork for dinner to-day.^' — " Dear me ! Mr. Fuseli, what an odd remark." — " Why, it is as qood as anything you have been saying for the last hour."^ MCCCLXXXI. — RATHER FEROCIOUS. As Burke was declaiming with great animation against Hastings, he was interrupted by little Major Scott. " .A.m 304 The Jest Book. I," said he, indignantly, "to be teased by the barking of \}i\\'s, jackal while I am attacking the royal tiger of Bengal ? " MCCCLXXXII. — ONLY FOR LIFE. A SPANISH Archbishop having a dispute with an opu- lent duke, who said with scorn, "What are you? your title and revenues are only for your life," answered by ask- ing, " And for how many lives does your Grace hold yours ? " MCCCLXXXIIL — AN OUTLINE. When the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man, came to London to negotiate a peace, Charles Townshend, being asked whether the French government had sent the preliminaries of a treaty, answered, he did not know, but they had sent " the out- line of an ambassador." MCCCLXXXIV. — ON SIR WALTER SCOTT'S POEM OF WATERLOO. On Waterloo's ensanguined plain, P\dl many a gallant man lies slain ; But none, by bullet or by shot. Fell half so flat as Walter Scott. MCCCLXXXV. — UGLY TRADES. The ugliest of trades have their moments of pleasure. Now, if I were a grave-digger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment. — D. J. MCCCLXXXVI. — A GOOD CHARACTER. An Irish gentleman parting with a lazy servant-woman, was asked, with respect to her industry, whether she was what is termed afraid of work. " O, not at all," said he; "not at all; she'll frequently lie doivn and fall asleep by the very side of it.'''' MCCCLXXXVIL — SENSIBILITY. A KEEN sportsman, who kept harriers, was so vexed The Jest Book. 305 wlifii any noise was made wliile the hounds were at fault, llial he rode up to a gentleman who accidentally coughed at such a time, and said, " 1 wish, with all my heart, sir, your cough was better." MCCCLXXXVlir. — PATIENCE. When Lord Chesterfield was one day at Newcastle House, the Duke happening to be very particularly en- gaged, the Earl was requested to sit down in an ante- room. "Garnet upon Job," a book dedicated to the Duke, ha]:>pened to lie in the window ; and his Grace, on entering, found the Earl so busily engaged in reading, that he asked how he liked the commentary. " In any other place," replied Chesterfield, "I should not think much of it ; but there is so much propriety in putting a volume upon patience in the room where every visitor lias to wait for your Grace, that here it must be considered as one of the best books in the world.'''' MCCCLXXXIX. — what's MY THOUGHT LIKE? Quest. Why is a pump like Viscount Castlereagh? Ans. Because it is a slender thing of wood. That up and down its awkward arm doth sway. And coolly shout, and spout, and spout away. In one weak, washy, everlasting flood ! MCCCXC. — NOT GIVING HIMSELF " AIRS." Archdeacon Paley was in very high spirits when he was presented to his first preferment in the Church. He attended at a visitation dinner just after this event, and during the entertainment called out jocosely, " Waiter, shut down that window at the back of my chair, and open another behind some curate.^' MCCCXCI. — A BARBER SHAVED BY A LAWYER. "Sir," said a barber to an attorney who was passing his door, " will you tell me if this is a good half-sov- ereign?" The lawyer, pronouncing the piece good, de- posited it in his pocket, adding, with gravity, " If you '11 20 3o6 The Jest Book. send your lad to my office, I '11 return the three and foii?-- pencc:' MCCCXCII. — A MAN OF METAL. Edwin James, examining a witness, asked him what his business was. He answered, "A dealer in old iron." — "Then," said the counsel, "you must of course be a thief." — "I don't see," replied the witness, "why a dealer in iron must necessarily be a thief, more than a dealer in brass.''^ MCCCXCIII. — SPECIMEN OF THE LACONIC. " Be less prolix," says Grill. I like advice. "Grill, you're an ass !" Now, surely, that's concise. MCCCXCIV. — A DROP. Dean Swift was one day in company, when the con- versation fell upon the antiquity of the family. The lady of the house expatiated a little too freely on her descent, observing that her ancestors' names began with De, and, of course, of antique French extraction. When she had finished; "And now," said the Dean, "will you be so kind as to help me to a piece of that D—nitipliiig'/" MCCCXCV, — ERROR IN JUDGMENT. An author once praised another writer very heartily to a third person. "It is very strange," was the reply, "that you speak so well of him, for he says that you are a charlatan." — " O," replied the other, "I think it very likely that both of lis may be mistaken." MCCCXCVL — THE SUPERIORITY OF MACHINERY. A MECHANIC his labor will often discard. If the rate of his pay he dislikes : But a clock — and its case is uncommonly hard — Will continue to work though it strikes ! MCCCXCVIL — THE MONEY-BORROWER DECEIVED. A YOUTH had borrowed a hundred pounds of a very The Jest Book. 307 ricli friend, wlio had concluded that he should never see iIr-iii .iL^'ain. He \va> mislakcn, for the youth returned liiiu tlie money. Some time after, the youth came a},'ain to borrow, hut was refused. "No, sir," said his friend, "you shall not deceive me twice." MCCCXCVMI. — A SPEAKING CANVAS. Some of the friends of a famous ])ainter, observed to him, tiiat they never heard him bestow any praises but on his worst paintings. "True," answered he; "for the best will oXwdifi praise themselves." MCCCXCIX. — INDUSTRY OF THE ENGLISH PEOPLE. Syd.ney Smith, writing in the Edinburgh Rei'iew, says, " If the English were in a paradise of spontaneous productions, they would continue to dig and plough, though they were never a peach or a pine-apjjle the better for it." MCD. — OCULAR. Taylor says, " My best pun was that which I made to Sheridan, who married a Miss Ogle." We were supping together at the Shakespeare, when, the conversation turn- ing on Garrick, I asked him which of his performances he thought the best. "0,"said he, " tlie Lear, the Lear." — " No wonder," said I, "you were fond of a Leer when you married an Ogle." Mcni. — ON the disappointment of the whig asso- ciates OF the prince regent at not obtaining office. Ve jioliticians, tell me, pray. Why thus with woe and care rent? This is the worst tiiat you can say. Some wind has blown the wig away, And left the Hair Apparent. MCDIL — AN apt REPROOF, Mr. Wesley, during his voyage to America, hearing an unusual noise in the cabin of General Oglethorpe (the 3o8 The Jest Book. Governor of Georgia, with whom he sailed), stepped in to inquire the cause of it, on whicli the General immediately addressed him: "Mr. Wesley, you must excuse me. I have met witli a jirovocation too great for man to bear. You know tlie only wine I drink is Cyprus wine, as it agrees with me the best of any ; and this villain Grimaldi (his foreign servant) has drank up the whole I had on board. But I will be revenged of him. I have ordered him to be tied hand and foot, and to be carried to the man-of-war that sails with us. The rascal should have taken care how he used me, for / ticver forgive.^' — "Then I hope, sir," said John Wesley, looking calmly at him, "jw< 7iever sin." The General was quite confounded at the reproof, and putting his hand into his pocket took out a bunch of keys, which he threw at Grimaldi, saying, "There, villain! Take my keys, and behave better for the future." MCDIII. — THE LAME BEGGAR. " I AM unable," yonder beggar cries, " To stand or move." If he says trae, he lies. MCDiv. — Holland's funeral. Holland, who was a great favorite with Foote, died. While the funeral ceremony was performing, G. Garrick remarked to Foote: " You see what a snug family vault we have made here." — *' Family vault!" said Foote, with tears trickhng down his cheeks, "I thought it had been a family oz'en." MCDV. — PRETTY. Hope is the dream of those who are awake. MCDVI. —not improbable. A CERTAIN young clergyman, modest almost to bash- fulness, was once asked by a country apothecary, of a contrary character, in a public and crowded assembly, and in a tone of voice sufficient to catch the attention of the whole company, " How it happened that the patri- archs lived to such extreme old age?" To which ques- tion the clergyman replied, ^''Perhaps they took no physic." The Jest Book. 309 MCDVII. — SOUGHT AND FOUND. Thrf.e conceited young wits, as they thought them- selves, passing along the road near Oxford, met a grave old gentleman, with whom they had a mind to be rudely merry. "Good-morrow, father Abraham," said one; " Good-morrow, father Isaac," said the next ; " Good-mor- row, father Jacob," cried the last. " I am neither Al)ra- ham, Isaac, nor Jacob," replied the old gentleman, " but Saul, the son of Kisii, who went out to seek his father's asses, and lo ! here I have found them." MCDVIII. — NO REDEEMING VIRTUE. *' Pray, does it always rain in this hanged place, Enough to drive one mad, heaven knows ? " " No, please your grace," Cried Boniface, With some grimace, * ' Sometimes it snoios. " MCDIX. — A REMARKABLE ECHO. A CERTAIN Chief Justice, on hearing an ass bray, inter- rupted the late Mr. Curran, in his speech to the jury, by saying, "One at a time, Mr. Curran, if you please." The speech being finished, the judge began his charge, and during its progress the ass sent forth the full force of its lungs ; whereupon the advocate said, " Does not your lord- ship hear a remarkable ee/io in the court i''^ MCIjX. — A DUTIFUL DAUGHTER. The father of Mrs. Siddons had always forbidden her to marry an actor, and of course she chose a member of the old gentleman's company, whom she secretely wedded. When Roger Kemblc heard of it, he was furious. " Have I not," he exclaimed, "dared you to marry a player?" '["he lady replied, witii downcast eyes, that she had not disoiieyed. "What, madam! have you not allied your- self to about the worst performer in my comjjany?" — " Exactly so," murmured the timid bride; "nobody can call him an actor." 3IO The Jest Book. MCDXI. — A PERTINENT QUESTION. Franklin was once asked, "What is the use of your discovery of atmospheric electricity?" The philosopher answered the question by another, " What is the iiseoi?i. new-born infant 'i " MCDXII. — A soporific. A PROSY orator reproved Lord North for going to sleep during one of his speeches. "Pooh, pooh!" said the drowsy Premier; "the physician should never quarrel with the effect of his own medicine." MCDXIII. — THE AMENDE HONORABLE. Quoth Will, " On that young servant-maid My heart its life-string stakes." " Quite safe ! " cries Dick, " don't be afraid, She pays for all she breaks.^' MCDXIV. — ALLEGORICAL REPRESENTATION. A PAINTER, who was well acquainted with the dire ef- fects of law, had to represent two men, — one who had gained a law-suit, and another who had lost one. He painted the former with a shi?-t on, and the latter naked." MCDXV. — MILITARY ELOQUENCE. An officer who commanded a regiment very ill -clothed, seeing a party of the enemy advancing, who appeared newly equipped, he said to his soldiers, in order to rally them on to glory, " There, my brave fellows, go ?lt\& clothe yourselves. " MCDXVI. — CUTTING OFF THE SUPPLIES. The late Duke of York is reported to have once con- sulted Abernethy. During the time his highness was in the room, the doctor stood before him with his hands in his pockets, waiting to be addressed, and whistling with great coolness. The Duke, naturally astonished at his conduct, said, "I suppose you know who I am?"— ".Suppose I do ; what of that ? If your Highness of York wishes to be The Jest Book. 3" well, let me tell you," added the surgeon, *' you must do as the Duke of Wellington often difl in his campaigns, cut off the supplies, and the enemy will quickly leave the cita- del." MCDXVII. — EPIGRAM. The proverb says, and no one e'er disputes, " Nature the shoulder to the burden suits"; Then nature gave to Saucemore with his head, Shoulders to carry half a ton of lead. MCDXVIII. — A FOWL JOKE. A City policeman before Judge Maule said he was in the hens (iV) division. "Do you mean in the Poultry?" asked the Judge. MCDXIX. — AN EXPENSIVE TRIP. Irish Johnstone, the comedian, was known to be rather parsimonious. On one of his professional visits to Dub- lin, he billeted himself (as was his wont) upon all his ac- quaintances in town. Meeting Curran afterwards in Lon- don, and talking of his threat expenses, he asked the ex- Master of the Rolls what he supposed he spent in the Irish capital during his last trip. " I don't know," replied Cur- ran ; " but probably a fortnight.^'' MCDXX. — OLD FRIENDS. Coleman, the dramatist, was asked if he knew Theo- dore Hook. " Yes," replied the wit ; ''Hook and eye are old associates." MCDXXL — A REASON. "T WISH you at the devil ! " said somebody to Wilkes. "I don't wish you there," was the answer. "Why?" — " Because I never wish to see you again ! " MCDXXII. — HONOR. During a siege the officer in command proposed to the grenadiers a large sum of money as a reward to him who 312 The Jest Book. should first drive a fascine into a ditch which was exposed to the enemy's fire. None of the grenadiers offered. The general, astonished, began to reproach them for it. " We should have all offered" said one of these brave soldiers, "if money had not been set as the price of this action.'''' MCDXXIII. — JUST AS WONDERFUL. A GENTLEMAN asked a friend, in a verj' knowing man- ner, "Pray, did you ever see 2. cat-fish?" — "No, "was the response, " but I 've seen a rope-walk.'" MCDXXIV. — CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME. " Well, neighbor, what's the news this morning ? " said a gentleman to a friend. " I have just bought a sack of flour for a poor woman." — "Just like you ! Whom have you made so happy by your charity this time ? " — " J/y wife. " MCDXXV. — QUESTION ANSWERED. That idiot W coming out of the Opera one night, called out, " Where is my fellow ? " — " A'ot in England, I '11 swear," said a bystander, MCDXXVI. — VERY LIKELY. An officer of the navy being asked what Burke meant by the ^^ Cheap defence of nations," replied, "A midship- man's half-pay, — nothing a-day and find yourself." MCDXXVIL — INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY. Died suddenly, — surprised at such a rarity ! Verdict, — Saw Eldon do a little bit of charity. MCDXXVin. — A GRUNT. "Doctor, when we have sat together some time, you '11 find my brother very entertaining." — "Sir," said John- son, "/rrt« -wait." MCDXXIX. — one fault. " She is insupportable," said a wit with marked em- The Jest Book. 313 phasis, of one well known ; but, as if he had gone too far, he added, " It is her only defect." MCUXXX. — TO THE ''COMING" MAN. Smart waiter, be contented with thy state, The world is his who best knows how to wait. MCDXXXI. — NOTHING TO BOAST OF. "The British empire, sir," exclaimed an orator, "is one on which the sun never sets." — " And one," replied an auditor, " in which the tax-gatherer Vlq\qx goes to bed." MCDXXXII. — COLONIAL BREWERIES. What two ideas are more inseparable than Beer and Britannia? what event more awfully important to an Eng- lish colony, than the erection of '\\.^ jirst liraohotue ? — S. 6. MCDXXXIII. — A CLOSER. .Some person caused the following inscription to be placed over the door of a house, " Let ttothi ng enitr here but what is good." — "Then where will the master go in ? " asked a cynic. MCDXXXIV. — the fool OR KNAVE. Thy praise or dispraise is to me alike ; One doth not stroke me, nor the other strike. MCDXXXV. — KNOWING HIS M.VN. An attorney, not celebrated for his probity, was robbed one night on his way from Wicklow to Dublin. His father meeting Baron O'Grady next day, said, " iMy lord, have you heard of my son's robbery V — " No," replied the baron ; " whom did he rob .?" MCDXX.XVI. — A GOOD REASON FOR A BAD CAUSE. An eminent counsellor asked another why he so often undertook bad causes. " Sir," answered the lawyer, "I have lost so many good ones, that I am quite at a loss which to take." 314 The Jest Book. MCDXXXVII. — SELF-APPLAUSE. Some persons can neither stir hand nor foot without making it clear they are thinlass this account; if I live, I 'U examine /'/." MCDXLVIIL — ON A SQUINTING POETESS. To no one muse does she her glance confine, But has an eye, at once, to (/// t/te nine. MCDXLIX. — A NEAT SUGGESTION. A Welsh judge, celebrated as a suitor for all sorts of places and his neglect of personal cleanliness, was thus addressed by Mr. Jekyll : "As you have asked the Min- 3l6 The Jest Book. istry for everything else, ask them for a piece of soap and z: nailbriishy MCDL. — SCOTCH " WUT. " It requires (says Sydney Smith) a surgical operation to get a joke well into a Scotch understanding. Their only idea of wit, or rather that inferior variety of the electric talent which prevails occasionally in the North, and which, under the name of IViif, is so infinitely distressing to peo- ple of good taste, is laughing immoderately at stated inter- vals. They are so imbued with metaphysics that they even make love metaphysically. I overheard a young lady of my acquaintance, at a dance in Edinburgh, ex- claim, in a sudden pause of the music, "What you say, my lord, is veiy true of love iir the aibsfraef, but " Here the fiddlers began fiddling furiously, and the rest was lost. MCDLI. — WHERE IT CAME FROM. A LADY, whose fondness for generous living had given her a flushed face and rubicund nose, consulted Dr. Cheyne. Upon surveying herself in the glass, she ex- claimed, " Where in the name of wonder, doctor, did I get sueh a nose as this?" — "Out of ihc decanter, mad- am," replied the doctor. MCDLII. — QUIN AND CHARLES L QuiN sometimes said a wise thing. Disputing concern- ing the execution of Charles I., — "By what laws," said his opponent, "was he put to death?" Quin repHed, " By all the laivs that he had /e/t t/iem." MCDLin. — TIMELY FLATTERY. A GENTLEMAN was asked by Mrs. Wofiington, what difference there was lietween her and her watch ; to which he instantly replied, " Your watch, madam, makes wsre- member the hours, and you make vi.^ forget them." MCDLIV. — EPIGRAM ON TWO CONTRACTORS. To gull the public two contractors come, - One pilfers corn, — the other cheats in rum. The Jest Book. l\-j Which is the greater knave,, ye wits explain, A rogue in spirit, or a rogue in ^niiii ? MCDLV. - TRAVELLERS SEE STRANGE THINGS. A TRAVELLER, when asked whether, in his youth, he had gone through Euclid, was not cjuite sure, but he thought it was a small village between \Vigan and Preston. MCDLVL — AN UNCONSCIOUS INSULT. A Frenchman, who had learned English, wished to lose no opportunity of saying someliiing pretty. One evening he observed to Lady R., whose dress was fawn color, and that of her daughter pink, " Milady, your daughter is d^ pink of beauty." — "Ah, monsieur, you Frenchmen always flatter." — "No, madam, 1 only do speak the truth, and wiiat all de world will allow, that your daughter is de pink, and you are de drab of fashion." MCDLVII. — A CLOSE TRANSLATION. A COUNTRY gentleman, wishing to be civil to Dr. B- a translator of Juvent.1, said, " What particularly convinces me of the faithfulness of your translation is, that /'// places where I do not understand yuvenal, I likeioise do not un- derstand you." MCDLVIII. — NEW RELATIONSHIP. A STRANGER to law courts hearing a judge call a ser- geant "brother," expressed his surprise. "0,"said one present, "they are brothers, — brothers-in-law." MCDLIX. — ONLY A NINEPIN. The Earl of Lonsdale was so extensive a proprietor, and patron of boroughs, that he returned nine members to Parliament, who were facetiously called Lord Lonsdale's ninepins. One of the members thus designated, having made a very extravagant speech in the House of Com- mons, was answered by Mr. Burke in a vein of the happi- est sarcasm, which elicited from the House loud and con- tinued cheers. Mr. Fox, entering the House just as Mr. Burke was sitting down, inquired of Sheridan what the 3l8 The Jest Book. House was cheering. " O, nothing of consequence," replied Sheridan, "only Burke has knocked down one of Lord Lonsdale'' s ninepins ^ MCDLX. — DR. WALCOT's REQUEST FOR IVORY TICKETS, SENT TO SHIELD, THE COMPOSER. Son of the string (I do not mean Jack Ketch, Though Jack, like thee, produceth dying tones). Oh, yield tliy pity to a starving wretch. And for to-morrow's treat pray send thy bones ! MCDLXI. — DIFFICULTIES IN EITHER CASE. One evening, at a private party at Oxford, at which Dr. Johnson was present, a recently published essay on the future life of brates was referred to, and a gentleman, dis- posed to support the author's opinion that the lower ani- mals have an " immortal part," familiarly remarked to the doctor, " Really, sir, when we see a very sensible dog, we don't know what to think of him." Johnson, turning quickly round, replied, "True, sir; and when we see a very foolish fellow, we don't know what to think oi him.'"'' MCDLXIL — A professional AIM. In a duel between two attorneys, one of them shot away the skirt of the other's coat. His second, observing the truth of his aim, declared that had his friend been engaged with a client he would very probably have hit his pocket. MCDLXin. — flying COLORS. Sir Godfrey Kneller latterly painted more for profit than for praise, and is said to have used some whimsical preparations in his colors, which made them work fair and smoothly off, but not endure. A friend, noticing it to him, said, " What do you think posterity will say. Sir Godfrey Kneller, when they see these pictures some years hence? " — " Say ! " replied the artist : "why, they '11 say Sir God- frey Kneller never painted them ! " MCDLXIV. — an entertaining PROPOSITION. A POMPOUS fellow made a very inadequate offer for a» The Jest Book. 319 valuable property ; and, calling the next day for an an- swer, inquired of the gentleman if he had ciiteiiaiiu-d his proposition. " No," replied the other, "your proposition entertained nie. " MCDI.XV. — UNION OF OPPOSITES, A piiRENOi.ncnsT remarking that some persons had the organ of murder and benevolence strongly and equally developed, his friend replied, " that doubtless those were the persons loho would kill one with kindness." MCDLXVI. — KIMGRAM. (On 's Veracity.) He boasts about the truth T 've heard, And vows he Vl never break it ; Why, zounds, a man must keep his word When nobody will take it. MCDLXVII. — AN UNTAXED LUXURY. A LADY having remarked in company that she thought there should be a tax on "■'the sini^de state"; "Yes, mad- am," rejoined an obstinate old bachelor, "as on all other luxuries. " MCDLXVIII. — A DEAR SPEAKER. Soon after the Irish members were admitted into the House of Commons, on the union of the kingdom in 1801, one of them, in the middle of his maiden speech, tlius addressed the chair : " And now, my dear Mr. Speaker," etc. This excited loud laughter. As soon as the mirth had subsided, Mr. Sheridan observed, "that the honorable member was perfectly in order ; for, thanks to the ministers, now-a-days ez'erythint^ is dear.'" MCDLXIX. — ABSURDLY LOGICAL. ' A MAD Quaker (wrote Sydney Smith) belongs to a small and rich sect ; and is, therefore, of s^n-eater impor- tance than any other mad person of the same degree in life. 320 The Jest Book. MCDLXX. — PROOF POSITIVE. A CHEMIST asserted that all bitter things were hot. "No," said a gentleman present, "there is a bitter colA day." MCDLXXT. — PLAYER, OR LORD. One day, at a party in Bath, Quin said something which caused a general murmur of delighted merriment. A nobleman present, who was not distinguished for the brilliancy of his ideas, exclaimed: "What a pity 'tis, Quin, my boy, that a clever fellow like you should be a player!" Quin, fixing and flashing his eyes upon the speaker, replied : " Why ! what would your lordship have me be? — a lord?" MCDLXXIL — IN MEMORIAM. Soyer is gone ! Then be it said. At last, indeed, great Pan is dead. MCDLXXIII. — prime's PRESERVATIVE. Sergeant Prime had a remarkably long nose, and being one day out riding, was flung from his horse, and fell upon his face in the middle of the road. A country- man, who saw the occurrence, ran hastily up, raised the sergeant from the mire, and asked him if he was much hurt. The sergeant replied in the negative. " I zee, zur," said the rustic, grinning, " yer ploughshare saved ye ! " MCDLXXIV. —A SHARP BRUSH. Sheridan was down at Brighton one summer, when Fox, the manager, desirous of showing him some civility, took him all over the theatre, and exhibited its beauties. "There, Mr. Sheridan," said Fox, who combined twenty occupations, without being clever in any, " 1 built and painted all these boxes, and I painted all these scenes." — "Did you?" said Sheridan, surveying them rapidly; "well, I should not, I am sure, have known you were a Fox by your brush." The Jesl Book. 321 MCDLXXV. — NOT SO " DAFT " AS REPUTED. Thkre was a certain " Daft Will," who was a privi- leged iiaunter of Eglington Castle and grounds. He was discovered by the noble owner one day taking a near cut, and crossing a fence in the demesne. The earl called out, " Come back, sir, that 's not the road." — " Do ye ken," said Will, " whaur I'm gaun?" — "No," replied his lordship. "Wcel, hoo the deil do ye ken 'whether this be the road or no / " MCDLXXVI. — PICKING POCKETS. "These beer-shops," quoth Barnabas, speaking in alt, " Are ruinous, —down with the growers of malt ! " " Too true," answers Ben, with a shake of the head, " Wherever thc-y congregate, honesty 's dead. That beer l)reeds dishonesty causes no wonder, 'T is nurtured in crime, — 't is concocted in plunder ; In Kent wliile surrounded by flourishing crops, I saw a mgwQ picking a pocket of hops." MCDLXXVII. — HUSBANDING HIS RESOURCES. A WAG, reading in one of Brigham Young's manifestoes, "that the great resources of Utah are her women," ex- claimed, " It is very evident that the prophet is disposed to husband his resources. " MCDLXXVIII. — SMOOTHING IT DOWN. A CLIENT remarked to his solicitor, " You are writing my bill on very rough paper, sir." — " Never mind," was the reply of the latter, " it has to be Jiied before it comes into court." MCDLXXIX. — MAKING FREE WITH THE WAIST. CuRRAN, in cross-examining the chief witness of a ]ilain- tiff in an action for an assault, obliged him to acknowledge that the plaintiff had put his arm round the waist of Miss D , which had provoked the defentlant to strike him : "Then, sir, I presume," said Curran, " he took that ttw/j/ for common ? " 21 322 The Jest Book. MCDLXXX. — A HOPELESS INVASION. " Admiral Bridport, speaking of the threatened inva- sion by the French in 1798, dryly observed, "They might come as tliey could ; for his own part, he could only say that they should not come by water.'" MCDLXXXI. — DROLL TO ORDER. One evening, a lady said to a small wit, "Come, Mr. , tell us a lively anecdote," and the poor fellow was mute during the remainder of the evening. "Favor me with your company on Wednesday evening, you are such a lion," said a weak party -giver to a young author. "I thank you," replied the wit ; "but on that evening I am engaged to eat fire at the Countess of , and stand iipoji my head at Mrs. . " MCDLXXXIL — MEN OF WEIGHT. If fat men ride, they tire the horse. And if they walk themselves — that's worse : Travel at all, they are at best. Either oppressors or opprest. MCDLXXXIH. — CHEMICAL ODDITY. While an ignorant lecturer was describing the nature of gas, a blue-stocking lady inquired of a gentleman near her, what was the difference between oxygin and hydrogin ? "Very little, madam," said he; "by oxygin we mean pure^/;/; and by hydrogin, gin and water.' ' MCDLXXXIV. — AN APISH RESEMBLANCE. Charles Lamb used to say, that he had a great dislike to monkeys, on the principle that " it was not pleasant to look upon oYHispoor relations." MCDLXXXV. — HE WHO SUNG "THE LAYS OF ANCIENT ROME." Lord Macaulay, passing one day through the Seven Dials, bought a handful of ballads from some street-folks who were bawling out their contents to a gaping audience. The Jest Book. 323 Proceeding on his way home, he was astonished to find himself followed by half a score of urchins, their faces beaming with expectation. " Now then, my lads, what is it?" said he. "O, that's a good 'un," replied one of the boys, "after we've come all this way." — " But what are you waiting for? " said the historian, astonished at the lad's familiarity. " Waiting for ! why ain't you going to sing, gtwncr ? " MCDLXXXVr. — DEATH-BED FORGIVENESS. A VETERAN Highlander, between whose family and tliat of a neighboring cliicflain had existed a long hereditary feud, being on his death-bed, was reminded that this was the time to forgive all his enemies, even he who had most injured him. " Well, be it so," said the old Gael, after a short pause, " be it so ; go tell Kinmare I forgive him, — but my curses rest upon my son if ever he does." MCDLXXXVII. — A REASONAHI.E PREFERENCE. Whether tall men or short men are best. Or bold men, or modest and shy men, I can't say, but this I protest. All the fair are in favor of Ily-meu. MCDLXXXVHI. — A DEAR BARGAIN. QriN was one day lamenting that he grew old, when a shallow impertinent young fellow said to him, "What would you give to be as young as I am ? " — "By the powers," replied Quin, "I would even submit to be almost as foolish ! " MCDLXXXIX. — SUGGESTIVE REPUDIATION. Lord Byron was once asked by a friend in the green- room of the Drun,' Lane Theatre, whether he ditl not think Miss Kelly's acting in the " Maid and tlie Magpie"' exceed- ingly natural. " I really am no judge," answered his lord- ship, " I was never i/inoeejil of stealing a spoon." MCDXC. — NO INTRUSION. A LOQUACIOUS author, after babbling some time about 324 The Jest Book. his piece to Sheridan, said, " Sir, I fear I have been in- truding on your attention." — " Not at all, I assure you," replied he, "I was thinking oi something else.'''' MCUXCI. — EXPERIMENTUM CRUCIS. A MERCHANT being asked to define the meaning of ex- periinc7ital and natural philosophy, said he considered the first to be asking a man to discount a bill at a long date, and the second his refusing to do it. MCDXCII. — NOT AT ALL ANXIOUS. A MAN very deeply in debt, being reprimanded by his friends for his disgraceful situation, and the anxiety of a debtor being urged by them in very strong expressions : " Ah ! " said he, " that may be the case with a person who thinks of paying." MCDXCin. — ODD HUMOR. When Lord Holland was on his death-bed, his friend George Selwyn called to inquire how his Lordship was, and left his card. This was taken to Lord Holland, who said : " If Mr. Selwyn calls again, show "Ijlm into my room. If I am alive., I shall be glad to see him ; if I am dead, I am sure that he will be delighted to see me. " MCDXCIV. — A TICKLISH OPENING. Henry Erskine happening to be retained for a client of the name of Tickle, began his speech in opening the case, thus: "Tickle, my client, the defendant, my lord," — and upon proceeding so far was intermpted by laughter in court, which was increased when the judge (Lord Kaimes) exclaimed, " Tickle hint yourself, Harry ; you are as able to do so as I am." MCDXCV. — THE REPUBLIC OF LETTERS. HooD suggests that the phrase " republic of letters " was hit upon to insinuate that, taking the whole lot of authors together, they had not got a sovereign amongst them. Tkc Jest Book. 325 MCDXCVI. — AN OFFENSIVE PREFERENCE. A PERSON mcetint; witli an ac(]uaintance after a long absence, told him that he was surprised to see him, for he had heard that he was dead. " But," says the other, "you find the report false." — " 'T is hard to determine," he replied, " for the man that told me was one whose word I would sooner take than yours." MCDXCVII. — SELF-CONDEMNATION, A COUNTRY gentleman, walking in his garden, saw his gardener asleep in an arbor. " What ! " says the master, "asleep, you iiUe dug, you are not worthy that the sun should shine on you." — " I am truly sensible of my un- worthiness," answered the man, " and therefore I laid my- self down in the shade." MCDXCVIII. — AN ILLEGAL INDORSEMENT. CuRRAN having one day a violent argument with a country schoolmaster on some classical subject, the jieda- gogue, who had the worst of it, said, in a lowering passion, that he would lose no more time, and must go back to his scholars. "Do, my dear doctor," said Curran, '■''but don't indorse my sins upon their backs. " MCDXCIX. — A PLUMPER. A YOUNG gentleman, with a bad voice, preached a pro- bation sermon for a very good lectureship in the city. A friend, when he came out of the pul]>it, wished him joy, and said, " He would certainly cany the election, /or he had nobody's voice against him but his o~iVn." MD. — A PAINFUL EXAMINATION. In the course of an examination for the degree of B. A, in the Senate House, Cambridge, under an examiner whose name was Payne, one of the questions was, " Give a definition of happiness." To which a candidate returned the following laconic answer: "An exemption from Payne:' 326 The Jest Book. MDI. — BUSINESS AND PLEASURE. A Quaker (says Hood) makes a pleasure of his busi- ness, and then, for relaxation, makes a biisitiess of his pleasure. MDI I. — INFORMATION EASILY ACQUIRED. A FRIEND, crossing Putney Bridge with Theodore Hook, observed that he had been informed that it was a veiy good investment, and inquired ' ' if such were the case?" — "I don't know," was the answer; "but you ought, as you have just been tolled." MDIII. — A WALKING STICK. An old gentleman accused his servant of having stolen his stick. The man protested perfect innocence. " Why, you know," rejoined his master, "that the stick could never have w^alked off with itself." — "Certainly not, sir, unless it was a lualkiug-stick. " MDIV. — CHARITY AND INCONVENIENCE. It is objected, and we admit often with truth, that the wealthy are ready to bestow their money, but not to en- dure personal inconvenience. The following anecdote is told in illustration : A late nobleman was walking in St. James's Street, in a hard frost, when he met an agent, who began to importune his Grace in behalf of some charity which had enjoyed his support. " Put me down for v^-hat you please," peevishly exclaimed the Duke; " but don't ^eep Die in the cold.'" MDV. — A REASON FOR BELIEF. "Do you believe in the apostolical succession?" in- quired one of Sydney Smith. " I do," he replied : "and my faith in that dogma dates from the moment I became acquainted with the Bishop of , zvho is so like Judas."" MDVI. — OPENLY. No, Varus hates a thing that 's base ; I own, indeed, he 's got a knack Of flattering people to their face, But scorns to do 't behind their back. The Jc-st Book. 327 MDVII. — PAINTED CHARMS. Of a cclel)rated actress, who, in her declining days, bouj^dit charms of carmine and pearl -jiowder, Jerrold said, " Egad ! she should have a hoop about her, with a notice upon it, '■ Bt-iOare of the paint.'' " MDVIir. — ON THE SPOT. Two Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing a spot of grease on the neck-cloth of his companion, said, "I see you are a Grecian.'''' — " Pooh ! " said the other, "that '\s far-fetched.'" — "No, indeed," said the punster, " I made it on the spot.'" MDIX. - MR. ERSKINE's FIRMNESS. In the famous trial of the Dean of Asaph, Mr. Erskine put a question to the juiy, relative to the meaning of their verdict. Mr. Justice BuUer objected to its propriety. The counsel reiterated his question, and demanded an answer. The judge again interposed his authority in these emphatic words: "Sit down, Mr. Erskine; know your duty, or I shall be obliged to make you know it." Mr. Erskine with equal warmth replied, " I know wr ditty as well as your lordship knows your duty. I stand here as the advocate of a fellow citizen, and I will not sit doaun.^'' The judge was silent, and the advocate persisted in his question. MDX. — A SHUFFLING ANSWER. A FAIR devotee lamented to her confessor her love of gaming. " Ah ! madam," replied the reverend gentle- man, "it is a grievous sin ; — in the first place consider the loss <>/■//w^'." — "That's just what I do," said she; " I always begrudge the time that is lost in shuffling and dealing. " MDXI. — THE DEBT PAID. To John 1 owed great obligation ; But John, unhappily, thought fit To publish it to all the nation : Sure John and I am more than quit. 328 The Jest Book. MDXII. — A UTILITARIAN INQUIRY. James Smith one night took old Mr. Twiss to hear Mathews in his At Home, to the whole of vvliich the mathe- matician gave devoted attention. At the close, Mr. Smith asked him whether he had not been surprised and pleased. "Both," replied Mr. Twiss, "but what does it all go to prove ? " MDXIII. — AN OBJECTIONABLE PROCESS. General D was more distinguished for gallantry in the field than for the care he lavished upon his person. Complaining, on a certain occasion, to the late Chief- Justice Bushe, of Ireland, of the sufferings he endured from rheumatism, that learned and humorous judge under- took to prescribe a remedy. " You must desire your ser- vant," he said to the general, "to place every morning by your bedside a tub three-parts filled with warm water. You will then get into the tub, and having previously pro- vided yourself with a pound of yellow soap, you must rub your whole body with it, immersing yourself occasionally in the water, and at the end of a quarter of an hour, the process concludes by wiping yourself di^ with towels, and scmbbing your person with a flesh-brush." — "Why," said the general, after reflecting for a minute or two, " this seems to be neither more nor less than washing one's self." — " Well, I must confess," rejoined the judge, '■'■ it is open to that objectioti.'''' MDXIV. — EPIGRAM. (Upon the late Duke of Buckingham's moderate reform.) For Buckingham to hope to pit His bill against Lord Grey's is idle ; Reform, when offered hit by bit^ Is but intended for a bridle. MDXV. — A DREADFUL SUSPICION. A GENTLEMAN leaving the company, somebody who sat next to Dr. Johnson asked who he was. "I cannot ex- actly tell you sir," replied the doctor, "and I should be The Jest Book. 329 loath to s]ieak ill of any person whom I do not know de- serves it, but 1 am afraid ho is an attorney ^ MDXVI. — h FAMILIAR FRIEND. Sydney Smith was annoyed one evening by the famil- iarity of a young gentleman, who, thougii a comparative stranger, was encouraged by Smith's jocular reputation to address him by his surname alone. Hearing the young man say that he was going that evening to see the Arch- bishop of Canterbuiy for the first time, the reverend wit interposed, " Pray don't clap him on the back, and call him Howley." MDXVII. — NO MUSIC IN HIS SOUL. Lord North, who had a great antipathy to music, be- ing asked wiiy he did not subscribe to the Ancient Con- certs, and it being urged as a reason for it that his brother the IJishop of Winchester did, " Ay," replied his lordship, " if I was as dea/dci my brother, I would subscribe too." MDXVin. — professional CANDOR. A GENTLEMAN afflicted with rheumatism consulted a phy- sician, who immediately wrote him a ]irescription. As the patient was going away the doctor called him back. " By the way, sir, should my prescription happen to afford you any relief, please to let me kiiow, as I am myself suffering from a similar affection, and have tried in vain to cure tt." MDXIX. — TELL IT NOT IN ENGLAND. Lady Carteret, wife of the Lord-Lieutenant of Ire- land, in Swift's time, one day said to the wit, "The air of this country is very good." — " Don't say so in England, my lady," quickly replied the dean, "for if you do they will certainly tax it." MDXX. — FASHION AND VIRTUE. " What's fashionable, I '11 maintain " Is always right," cries s])rightly Jane ; " Ah ! would to Heaven," cries graver Sue, "What's right were fashionable too." 330 The Jest Book. MDXXr. — PROFESSIONAL COMPANIONS. A GENTLEMAN, wlio was dining with another, praised the meat very much, and inquired who was his butcher. "His name is Addison." — "Addison!" echoed the guest ; "pray is he any relation to the poet ? " — "I can't say : but this I know, he is seldom without hi? Steel by his side." MDXXII. — WHY MASTER OF THE HOUSE. A TRAVELLER coming up to an inn door, said : "Pray, friend, are you the master of this house?" — " Yes, sir," answered Boniface, "my wife has been dead these three ■weeks." MDXXIII. — PRECAUTIONARY. Lord John Russell, remarkable foi the smallness of his jjerson as Lord Nugent was for the reverse, was ex- pected at a house where Sydney Smith was a guest. "Lord John comes here to-day," said Sydney Smith, "his corporeal anti-part. Lord Nugent, is already here. Heaven send he may not s'cvalhnv JoJtii ! There are, however, stotiuuh-puiiips in case of accident." MDXXIV. — A LATE DISCOVERER. A VERY dull man, after dinner, had been boring the company with a long discourse, in the course of which he had given utterance to ethical views as old as the hills, as though he had just discovered them. When he had done repeating his truisms, Charles Lamb gravely said : "Then, sir, you are actually prepared to maintain that a thief is not altogether a moral man.'''' MDXXV. — LINES TO o'KEEFE. (Said to be written by Peter Pindar.) They say, O'Keefe, Thou art a thief. That half thy works are stolen or more ; I say O'Keefe, Thou art no thief. Such stuff was never writ before ! The Jest Book. 33 1 MDXXVr. — PROFESSION AND PRACTICE. A YOUNG lawyer who had been "admitted" about a year, was asked by a friend, " How do you like your new profession ? " The reply was accompanied by a brief sigh to suit the occasion : " ^Iy profession is much better than my practiee. " MDXXVII. — A RISKFUL ADVENTURE. Mr. Reynolds, the dramatist, once met ay)r<'and easy actor, who told iiim that he liail jiassed three festive days at the seat of the Marquis and Marciiioness of , 'a^ change for a guinea." MDLX. — AS BLACK AS HE COULD BE PAINTED. A LI'ITLE boy one day came nmning home, and said, " O father, I 've just seen the l)lackest man that ever was ! " — " Mow black was he, my son ? " — " O, he was as black as black can be ! why, father, charcoal would make a while mark on him ! " MDLXL — A MAN AND A BROTHER. Harry Woodward, walking with a friend, met a most miserable object, who earnestly solicited their charity. On Woodward giving a few pence, his friend said, "I be- lieve that fellow is an impostor." — "lie is either the 338 The Jest Book. most distressed man, or the best actor, I ever saw in my life," replied the comedian : " and, as either one or the other, he has a brotherly claim itpon me. " MDLXII. — PULLING UP A POET. A POET was once walking with T- , in the street, reciting some of his verses. T perceiving, at a short distance, a man yawning, pointed him out to the poet, saying, "Not so loud, he hears you.'" MDLXIIL — AN HONOR TO TIPPERARY. A GENTLEMAN from Ireland, on entering a London tavern, saw a countryman of his, a Tipperary squire, sit- ting over his pint of wine in the coffee-room. " My dear fellow," said he, " what are you about? For the honor of Tipperary, don't be after sitting over a pint of wine in a house like this!" — "Make yourself aisy, countryman," was the reply, " It 's the seventh I have had, and eveiy one in the room knoivs 11." MDLXIV. —WITTY THANKSGIVING. Barham having sent his friend, Sydney Smith, a brace of pheasants, the present was acknowledged in the follow- ing characteristic epistle : " Many thanks, my dear sir, for your kind present of game. If there is a pure and elevated pleasure in this world, it is that of roast pheasant and bread sauce ; barn-door fowls for dissenters, but for the real churchman, the thirty-nine times articled clerk, the pheasant, the pheasant. — Ever yours, S. S.'" MULXV. — a REASON FOR NOT MOVING. Thomson, the author of the " Seasons," was wonder- fully indolent. A friend entered his room, and finding him in bed, although the day was far spent, asked him why he did not get up. " Man, I hae nae motive," replied the poet. MDLXVI. — KILLED BY HIS OWN REMEDY. The surgeon of an English ship of war used to prescribe salt water for his patients in all disorders. Having sailed The Jest Book. 339 one evening on a party of pleasure, he happened by some mischance to he ihowned. The cai)tain, wiio had not heard of the (Hsaster, asked one of tiie tars next day if he had heard anything of tlie doctor. "Yes," answered laclc : "he was drowned last night in his ffion medicine 'chest." MDIAVII. — NOTHING SURPRISING. Admiral Lee, when only a post captain, being on board his ship one veiy rainy and stormy night, the officer of the watch came down to his cabin and cried, " Sir, the sheet-anchor is coming home." — "Indeed," says the captain, " I think the sheet-anchor is perfectly in the right of it. I don't know wliat would stay out such a stormy night as this. " • MnLXVIII. — RUNNING NO RISK. " I 'm very much surprised," quoth Harry, " That Jane a gambler should marry." " I 'm not at all," her sister says, " You know he has such winning ways ! " MDLXIX. — A HUMORIST PIQUED. Theodore Hook, was relating to his friend, Charles Mathews, how, on one occasion, when supping in the com- pany of Peake, the latter surreptitiously removed from his plate several slices of tongue ; and, affecting to be veiy much annoyed by such practical joking. Hook concluded with the question, " Now, Charles, what would you do to anybody who treated you in such a manner?" — " Do ? " exclaimed Matliews, " if any man meddled with my tongue, I'dZ/V/thim!" MDLXX. — NOT ROOM FOR A NEIGHBOR. A LANDED proprietor in the small county of Rutland became very intimate with the Duke uf Argyle, to whom, in the jilenitude of his friendship, he said: " How I wish your estate were in my county ! " Upon which the duke replied: "I'm thinking, if it were, there would be no room for yours. ^'' 340 The Jest Book. MDLXXI. — AN UNEXPECTED CANNONADE. At one of the annual dinners of the members of the Chapel Royal, a gentleman had been plaguing Edward Cannon with a somewhat dry disquisition on the noble art of fencing. Cannon for some time endured it with pa- tience ; but at length, on the man remarking that Sir George D was a great fencer, Cannon, who disliked him, replied, " I don't know, sir, whether Sir George is a great fencer, but Sir George is a great fool ! " A little startled, the other rejoined, "Possibly he is; but then, you know, a man may be both." — '■'So I see, sir,''' said Cannon, turning away. MDLXXir. — ON butler's MONUMENT. While Butler, needy wretch, was yet alive, No generous patron would a dinner give. See him, when starved to death and turned to dust, Presented with a monumental bust. The poet's fate is here in emblem shown, — He asked for bread, and he received a stone. MDLXXin. — A WORD IN SEASON. Mrs. Powell the actress was at a court of assize when a young barrister, who rose to make his maiden speech, suddenly stopped short and could not proceed. The lady, feeling for his situation, cried out, as though he had been a young actor on his first appearance, " Somebody give him the -word, — somebody give him the word ! " MDLXXIV. — "GETTING THE WORST OF IT." PoRSON was once disputing with an acquaintance, who, getting the worst of it, said, " Professor, my opinion of you is most contemptible."— " Sir," returned the great Gre- cian, " I never knew an opinion of yours that was not con- temptible.'" MDLXXV. — A SATISFACTORY EXPLANATION. One of the curiosities some time since shown at a pub- lic exhibition, professed to be a skull of Oliver Cromwell. The Jest Book. 341 A gentleman present observed that it could not be Crom- well's, as he had a very large head, and this was a small skull. " O, I know all that," said the exhibitor, undis- turbed, "but you see this was his skull when he was a boy." MDLXXVI. — " I TAKES 'EM AS THEY COME." A Cantab, one day obsersdng a ragatniiffi.n-looking boy scratching his head at the door of Aklerman Purchase, in Cambridge, where he was begging, and tiiinking to pass a joke upon him, said, " So, Jack, you are picking them out, are you?" — '■'■ Nah, sar," retorted the urchin; "I takes 'em as tliey come ! " MDLXXVII. — a climax. The late Earl Dudley wound up an eloquent tribute to the virtues of a deceased Baron of the Exchequer with this pithy peroration : " lie was a good man, an excellent man. He had the best melted butter I ever tasted in my life." MDLXXVIII. — BLANK CARTRIDGE. Epigram on the occasion of the duel between Tom Moore, the poet, and Francis Jeffrey : — When Anacreon would fight, as the poets have said, A reverse he displayed in his vapor. For wliile all his poems were loaded with lead, His pistols were loaded with paper. Eor excuses, Anacreon old custom may thank. Such a salvo he should not abuse ; For the cartridge, by rule, is always made blank, Which is fired away at Reviews. MDLXXIX. — SERMONS IN STONES. The Duke of Wellington having had his windows broken by the mob, continued to have boards before the windows of his house in Piccadilly. " Strange that the Duke will not renounce his ]iolitical errors," saiil A'lieck- ett, "seeing that tio J>ai>is hai'e been spared \.o coi\\'u\cQ him of them." 342 The Jest Book. MDLXXX. — EARLY HABITS. There was in Wilkes's time a worthy person, who had risen from the condition of a bricklayer to be an alderman of London. Among other of his early habits, the civic dignitary retained that of eatmg everything with his fingers. One day a choice bit of turbot having repeatedly escaped from his grasp, Wilkes, who witnessed the dilemma, whis- pered, "My lord, you had better take your troivel to it." MDLXXXI. — LAW AND THE SCOTTISH THANE. During the representation of " Macbeth," an eminent special pleader graced the boxes of Drury Lane Theatre, to see it performed. When the hero questions the ]Vitches, as to what they are doing : they answer, " a deed without a name." Our counsellor, whose attention was at that moment directed more to Coke upon Littleton than to Shakespeare, catching, however, tlie words in the play, repeated, " A deed without a )ia/?ie ! why, 'tis void.'''' MDLXXXn. — NOT TO BE BELIEVED. The following lines were addressed to a gentleman no- toriously addicted to the vice which has been euphemisti- cally described as " the postponement of the truth for the purposes of the moment ": — Whoe'er would learn a fact from you. Must take you by contraries ; What you deny, perhaps is true ; But nothing that you swear is. MDLXXXIIL A REASON FOR POLYOAMY. An Irishman was once brought up before a magistrate, charged with marrying six wives. The magistrate asked him how he could be so hardened a villain? "Please your worship," says Paddy, " I was just trying to get a good one. ' ' MDLXXXIV. — BYRON LIBELLOUS. The conversation at Holland House turning on first love, Thomas Moore compared it to a potato, because it The Jest Book. 343 shoots from the eyes." — "Or rather," exclaimed Lord Byron, "because it becomes less hy pairing." MDLXXXV. — A TERRIBLE POSSIBILITY. An acquaintance remarked to Dr. Robert South, the celebrated preacher at the court of Charles the Second, "Ah I doctor, you are such a wit ! " The doctor replied, " Don't make game of people's infirmities : you, sir, might have been born a wit ! " MDLXXXVI. — ATTIRED TO TIRE. Sir Joseph Jekyll wrote the following impromptu, on observing a certain sergeant, well known for his prosiness, bustling into the Court of King's Bench, where he was en- gaged in a case : — Behold the sergeant full of fire. Long shall his hearers rue it ; His purjile garments came from Tyre, His arguments go to it. MULXXXVn. — A SMALL JOKE. Mr. Dale, who it would appear was a short stout man, had a person in his employment named Matthew, who was permitted that familiarity with his master which was so characteristic of the former generation. One winter day, Mr. Dale came into the counting-house, and comj^lained that he had fallen on the ice. Matthew, who saw that his master was not much hurt, grinned a sarcastic smile. " I fell all my length," said Mr. Dale. '■'■ Nae great length, sir," said Matthew. "Indeed, Matthew, ye need not laugh," said Mr. Dale, " I have hurt the sma' of my back." — "I wunner whaur that is," said Matthew. MDLXXXVIII. — A VAIN THREAT. " Mr. Brown, I owe you a grudge, remember that !" — "I shall not lie frightened then, for I never knew you to pay anything that you owe." MDLXXXIX. — POOR LAW. "Pray, my lord," asked a fashionable lady of Lord 344 The Jest Book. Kenyon, " what do you think my son had better do in or- der to succeed in ti'ie law?"— "Let him spend all his money : marry a rich wife, and spend all hers : and when he has not got a sliilUng in the world, let him attack the law." Such was the advice of an old Chief Justice. MDXC. — CAUSE AND EFFECT. It is too true that there are many patriots, who, while they bleat about the " cause oi liberty," act in so interested a manner that they are evidently looking more after the effects. MDXCI. — A FAIR DISTRIBUTION. When the British ships under Lord Nelson were bear- ing down to attack the combined fleet off Trafalgar, the first lieutenant of the "Revenge," on going round to see that all hands were at quarters, observed one of the men, — an Irishman, — devoutly kneeling at the side of his gim. So veiy unusual an attitude exciting his surprise and curi- osity he asked the man if he was afraid. "Afraid," an- swered the tar, " no, your honor ; I was only praying that the enemy's shot may be distributed in the same propor- tion as the prize-7Honey, — the greatest part among the offi- cers." MDXCII. — SOMETHING SHARP. When we heard say a thing of some acidity the other night in the House of Commons, the honorable member reminded us of a calfs head with a lemon in it. — G. A'B MDXCIII. — AN AFFECTIONATE HINT. A NAMESAKE of Charles Fox having been hung at Ty- burn, the latter inquired of George Selwyn whether he had attended the execution? "No," was his reply, "I make a point of never attending rehearsals ! " MDXCIV. — A SIMILE. Vane's speeclies to an hour-glass. Do some resemblance show ; Because the longer time they run. The shallower they grow ! _ . The Jest Book. 34S MDXCV. — A WIDE DIFFERENCE. Rowland Hill rode a jjicat deal, and exercise pre- served him in vij^orous health. On one occasion, when asked by a medical friend what physician and apothecary he employed, to be always so well, he replied, " My phy- sician has always been a horse, and my apothecary an ass ! " MDXCVI. — aspiring POVERTY. A Roman Catholic prelate requested Pugin, the archi- tect, to furnish designs, etc., for a new church. It was to be "very large, very handsome, and very cheap"; the jiarties purposing to erect being "very poor ; in fact, hav- ing only £ ." — " Say thirty shillings more," replied the astonished architect, "and have a tower and spire at once ! " MDXCVII. — A tender SUGGESTION. A beggar in Dublin had been long besieging an old, gouty, testy gentleman, who roughly refused to relieve him. The mendicant civilly replied, " I wish your honor's heart zuas as tender as your toes." MDXCVIII. — sudden freedom. A NATION grown free in a single day is a child born with the limbs and the vigor of a man, who would take a drawn sword for his rattle, and set the house in a blaze, that he might chuckle over the splendor. — S. S. MDXCIX. — EPIGRAM. Thy flattering picture, Phiyne, 's like to thee Only in this, that you both painted be. MDC. — ANSWERING HER ACCORDING TO HF.R FOLLY. A LADY having put to Canning the silly question, " Why have they made the spaces in the iron gate at Spring Gar- dens so narrow?" he replied, "O, ma'am, because such ','erv fat people used to go through " (a reply concerning which Tom Moore remarked that " the person who does not relish it can have no perception of real wit "). 346 The Jest Book. MDCI. — THE SUN IN HIS EYE. Lord Plunkett had a son in the Church at the time the Tithe Corporation Act was passed, and warmly sup- ported the measure. Some one observed, " I wonder how it is that so sensible a man as Plunkett cannot see the im- perfections in the Tithe Corporation Act ! " — " Pooh ! pooh ! " said Norbury, "the reason 's plain enough ; he has the sun {son) in his eye. " MDCII. — A BRIGHT REJOINDER. An Englishman paying an Irish shoeblack with rude- ness, the "dirty urchin" said, " My honey, all the polish you have is upon your boots and I gave you that." MDCIII. — WELL TURNED. On the formation of the Grenville administration, Bushe, who had the reputation of a waverer, apologized one day for his absence from court, on the ground that he was cabinet- making. The chancellor maliciously disclosed the excuse on his return. " O, indeed, my lord, that is an occupa- tion in which my friend would distance me, as I was never a tnrner or zjoinei'." MDCIV. — A QUICK LIE. A CONCEITED coxcomb, with a very patronizing air, called out to an Irish laborer, " Here, you bogtrotter, come and tell me the greatest lie you can, and I '11 treat you to a jug of whiskey-punch." — "By my word," said Pat, " an' yer honor's a gintleman ! " MDCV. — A MERRY THOUGHT. They cannot be complete in aught Who are not humorously prone ; A man without a merry thought Can hardly have a funny bone. MDCVL — AN IMPUDENT WIT. Hook one day walking in the Strand with a friend, had his attention directed to a very pompous gentleman, who The Jest Book. 347 strutted along as if the street were his own. Instantly leaving his companion. Hook went up to the stranger and said, " I beg your pardon sir, but pray may I ask, — are you aiiv/xniyhi /^articular?" Before the astonished mag- nifico could collect himself so as to reply practically or otherwise to the query, Hook had passed on. MDCVII. — WEARING AWAY. A SCHOOLMASTER Said of himsclf : " I am like a hoite, I sharpen a numlier of blades, but I wear myself in doing iL" MDCVIII. — A PERTINENT QUESTION. Judge Jeffreys, of notorious memory (pointing with his cane to a man who was about to be tried), said, "There is a great rogue at the end of my cane." The man pointed at, inquired, '■'■ At -w/iick end, my lord?" MDCIX. — A BASE JOKE. A GENTLEMAN One day observed to Henry Erskine, that punning was the lowest o{ wit. "It is," answered Erskine, "and therefore \\\& foundation of all wit." MDCX. — A WIDE-AWAKE MINISTER. Lord North's good humor and readiness were of ad- mirable service to him when the invectives of his opjio- nents would have discomforted a graver minister. He frequently indulged in a real or seeming slumber. On one occasion, an opposition debater, supposing him to be nap- ping, exclaimed, " Even now, in these perils, the noble lord is asleep !" — "I wish / was," suddenly interposed the weary minister. MDCXI. — on CARDINAL WOLSEY. Begot by butchers, but by bishops bred, How high his honor holds his haughty head ! MDCXn. — NOT FINDING HIMSELF. " How do you find yourself to-day," said an old friend to Jack Reeve, as he met him going in dinner costume to 348 The Jest Book. the city. "Thank you," he replied, "the Lord Mayor finds me to-day. " MDCXIII. — A WITTY PROPOSITION. Sheridan, being on a parhamentaiy committee, one day entered the room as all the members were seated and ready to commence business. Perceiving no empty seat, he bowed, and looking round the table with a droll ex- pression of countenance, said : " Will any gentleman inove that I may take the chair ? " MDCXIV. — A WARM MAN. A MAN with a scolding wife, being asked what his occu- pation was, replied that he kej3t a hot-house. MDCXV. — LONG AGO. A LADY, who was very submissive and modest before marriage, was observed by a friend to use her tongue pret- ty freely after. "There was a time," he remarked, "when I almost imagined she had no tongue.'" — " Yes," said the husband, with a sigh, " but it 's very very long since ! " MDCXVI. — AN UNLIKELY RESULT. When Sir Thomas More was brought a prisoner to the Tower, the lieutenant, who had formerly received many favors from him, offered him "suche poore cheere" as he had ; to which the ex-chancellor replied, " Assure yourself, master lieutenant, I do not mislike my cheer ; but whensoever so I do, then thrust me out of your doors.''^ MDCXVIL — POLITICAL LOGIC. If two decided negatives will make Together one affirmative, let 's take P t's and L t's, each a rogue per se. Who by this rule an honest pair will be. MDCXVIIL — A WISE DECISION. A GENTLEMAN going to take water at Whitehall stairs. The Jest Book. 349 cried out, as he came near the place, "Who can swim?" — " I, master," said forty Ijawliii^ moiitlis ; when the gentleman observin<^ one slinking away, called after him ; but the fellow turning; about, said, "Sir, I cannot swim," — " Then you are my man," said the gentleman, " for you will at least take care 0/ me for your own sake." MDCXIX. — A POINT NEEDING TO BE SETTLED. A Scottish minister being one day engaged in visiting some members of his flock, came to the door of a house where his gentle ta|)i)ing could not be heard for the noise of contention within. Aflor waiting a little he o|)encd the door and walked in, saying, with an authoritative voice, " 1 should like to know who is the head of this house?" — " Weel, sir," said the husband and father, "if ye sit doon a wee, we'll maybe be able to tell ye, for we're just trying to settle that point." MDCXX. — A POOR LAUGH. CuRRAN was just rising to cross-examine a witness be- fore a judge who was familiar with the diy-as-dust black- letter law books, but could never comprehend a jest, when the witness began to laugh before the learned counsel had asked him a question. " What are you laughing at, friend," said Curran, "what are you laughing at? Let me tell you that a laugh without a joke is like — is like — "— "Like what, Mr. Curran," asked the judge, imagining he was at fault. "Just exactly, my lord, like a contingent remainder without any particular estate to sup- port it." MDCXXI. — AN anticipated CALAMITY. On the departure of Bishop Selwyn for his diocese. New Zealand, Sydney Smith, when taking his leave of him, said: "Good by, my dear Selwyn; I hope you will not disagree with the man who eats you I " MDCXXII. — MATRIMONY. "My dear, what makes you always yawn?" The wife exclaimed, her temper gone, " Is home so dull and dreary ? " 350 The Jest Book. " Not so, my love," he said, " Not so ; • , But man and wife are ('//(-, you lort 7i i/ie. / prefer the former ; but if 23 354 The Jesi Book. any of the clergy prefer the latter, it is at all events a rem- edy which iucimibents can afford better than curates.''^ MDCXLIII. — A QUESTION OF DESCENT. A YORKSHIRE nobleman, who was fond of boasting of his Norman descent, said to one of his tenants, whom he thought was not addressing him with proper respect : "Do you know, fellow, that my ancestors came over with Wil- liam the Conqueror?" — "And, perhaps," retorted the sturdy Saxon, "they yi?//;/^/ tnme here when they comed." MDCXLIV. — PLEASANT FOR A FATHER. A laird's eldest son was rather a simpleton. Laird says, "1 am going to send the young laird abroad." — " What for ? " asks the tenant. Laird answered, " To see tlie world." Tenant replied, "But lordsake, laird, will no the world see hitn ?" MDCXLV. — A RULE OF PRACTICE. It was said of a Bath physician, that he could not pre- scribe even for himself without a fee, and therefore, when unwell, he took a guinea out of one pocket and put it into the other. MDCXLVI. — WITS AGREEING. When Foote was one day lamenting his growing old, a pe?-t young fellow asked him what he would give to be as young as he. " I would be content," cried Foote, " to be z.% foolish." Jerrold made a similar reply to an empty- headed fellow who boasted of never being seasick. "Never!" said Douglas; "then I'd almost have your head with your stomach." MDCXLVII. — LITERARY PASTIME. Once a gentleman, who had the marvellous gift of shap- ing a great many things out of orange-peel, was displaying his abilities at a dinner-party before Theodore Hook and Mr. Thomas Hill, and succeeded in counterfeiting a jig. Mr. Hill tried the same feat ; and, after destroying and strewing the table with the peel of a dozen oranges, gave it The Jest Book. 355 up, with the exclamation, " Hang the pig ! I catCt make him." — "Nay, Hill," exclaimed Hook, glancing at the mess on the tabic, "you have done more ; instead of one pig, you have made a litter.'''' MDCXLVIII. — A FREE TRANSLATION. Manners, who had himself but lately been made Earl of Rutland, told Sir Thomas More "he was too much elated with his preferment ; that he verified the old prov- erb, ' Ilonores mutant mores.'" — "No, my lord," said Sir Thomas, " the i)un will do much better in English, ' Honors change Manners." " MDCXLIX. — AN EQUIVOCAL PREKERENCE. A GENTLEMAN was describing to Douglas Jerrold the story of his courtship and marriage, — how his wife had been brouglit u|) in a convent, and was on the point of tak- ing the veil, when his presence burst upon her enrajjtured sight, and she accepted him as her husband. Jerrold lis- tened to the end of tlie story, and then quietly remarked, " Ah ! she evidently thought you better than «««." MDCL. — RECIPROCAL ACTION. A VERY fat man, for the purjiose of quizzing his doctor, asked him to prescribe for a complaint, which he declared was sleeping with his moulli open. " Sir,'" said the doc- tor, " your disease is incurable. Your skin is too short, so that when you shut your eyes your mouth opens." MDCLL — ACRES AND WISEACRES. A WE.\LTHV but weak-headed barrister once remarked to Curran that " No one should l)e admitted to the Bar who had not an independent landed property." — "May I ask, sir," replied Curran, "how many acres make a MDCLIL — AN UNEQUAL ARRANGEMENT. Two young Irishmen, wishing to live cheaply, and to divide their expenses, agreed tiie one to board, and the other to lodge. 356 The Jest Book. MDCLIII. — A REASON FOR BEING TOO LATE. Canning and another gentleman were looking at a pic- ture of the Deluge : the ark was in the middle distance ; in the fore-sea an elephant was seen struggling with his fate. "I wonder," said the gentleman, " that the elephant did not secure an inside place." — " He was too late, my friend," replied Canning ; "he was detained packing up his triink.^'' MDCLIV. — COOL AS A CUCUMBER. Some one was mentioning in Lamb's presence the cold- heartedness of the Duke of Cumberland, in restraining the duchess from rushing up to the embrace of her son, whom she had not seen for a considerable time, and insisting on her receiving him in state. " How horribly cold it was," said the narrator. "Yes," replied Lamb, in his stuttering way; "but you know he is the, Duke of Cii-cwn-bei-- land." MnCLV. — AN AMPLE APOLOGY. A CLERGYMAN at Cambridge preached a sermon which one of his auditors commended. " Yes," said the gentle- man to whom it was mentioned, "it was a good sermon, but he stole it." This was repeated to the preacher, who resented it, and called on the gentleman to retract. " I will," replied the aggressor. "I said you had stolen the sermon. I find I was wrong, for on referring to the book whence I thought it was taken, I found tf there." MDCLVL — FUNERAL INVITATION. Sir Boyle Roach had a servant who was as great an original as his master. Two days after the death of the baronet, this man waited upon a gentleman, who had been a most intimate friend of Sir Boyle, for the purpose of telling him that the time at which the funeral was to have taken place had been changed. "Sir," says he, "my master sends his compliments to you, and he won't be bu- ried till to-morrow evening." MDCLVII. — A superfluous SCRAPER. FoOTF, being annoyed by a poor fiddler straining harsh The Jest Book. 357 discord under his window, sent him out a shilling, with a request tiiat he would play elsewhere, as one scraper at the door was sufficient. MDCLVIII. — COMPARATIVE VIRTUE. A SHOPKEEPER at Doncaster had for his virtues obtained the name of the little rascal. A stranger asked him why this appellation had been given to him. " To distinguish me from the rest of my trade," quoth he, "who are all great rascals.'''' MDCLIX. — GARTH AND ROWE. DocrOR Garth, who used frequently to goto the Wit's Coffee House, the Cocoa-Tree, in St. James's Street, was sitting there one morning conversing with two persons of rank, when Rowe, the poet, who was seldom very atten- tive to his dress and appearance, but still insufferably vain of being noticed by persons of consequence, entered. Placing himself in a box nearly oii]iosite to tliat in which the doctor sat, he looked constantly round with a view of catching his eye ; but not succeeding, he desired the waiter to ask him for his snuff-box, which he knew to be a valua- ble one, set with diamonds, and the present of some for- eign prince. After taking a pinch, he returned the box, but asked for it again so repeatedly, that Garth, who knew him well, perceived the drift, and taking from his pocket a pencil, wrote on the lid the two Greek characters, * P (phi, rho) Fie! Rowe! The poet was so mortified, that he quitted the room immediately. MDCLX. — A SECRET DISCOVERED. 'T IS clear why Twister, wretched rat. Always abuses in his chatter : He 's truly such a thorough tlat. We can't expect to see \\\\\\ flatter. MDCLXI. — INTERESTED INQUIRY. An attorney-general politely inquired after the health of a distinguished judge. "Mr. Attorney," was the reply, ' ' / am in horrible good health at present. " 358 The Jest Book. MDCLXII. — A BEARABLE PUN. An illiterate vendor of beer wrote over his door at Har- rogate, '''^ Bear sold here." — "He spells the word quite correctly," said Theodore Hook, "if he means to apprise us that the article is his own Briiin." MDCLXIII. — CITY GLUTTON. The celebrated John Wilkes attended a City dinner not long after his promotion to city honors. Among the guests was a noisy vulgar deputy, a great glutton, who, on his entering the dinner-room, always with great deliberation took off his wig, suspended it on a pin, and with due sol- emnity put on a white cotton nightcap. Wilkes, who cer- tainly was a high-bred man, and never accustomed to sim- ilar exhibitions, could not take his eyes from so strange and novel a picture. At length the deputy, with unblush- ing familiaiity, walked up to Wilkes, and asked him whether he did not think that his nightcap became him. " O, yes, sir," replied Wilkes, "but it would look much better if it was pulled quite oi'er your face. " MDCLXIV. — A PRETTY REPLY. Lord Melbourne, inspecting the kitchen of the Re- form Club, jocosely remarked to Alexis Soyer, chef de cui- sine, that his female assistants were all very pretty. " Yes, my lord," replied Soyer ; plain cooks will not do here." MDCLXV. — A CONVENIENT THEORY. At charity meetings, one Mould always volunteered to go round with the hat, but was suspected of sparing his own pocket. Overhearing one day a hint to that effect, he made the following speech : " Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks proper, and so does I. Charity's a private concern, and what I gives is nothing to nobody. " MDCLXVL — BUT ONE GOOD TRANSLATION. Dryden's translation of Virgil being commended by a right reverend bishop, Lord Chesterfield said, " The orig- inal is indeed excellent ; but everything suffers by a trans- lation, — except a bishop I " The Jest Book. 359 MDCLXVII. — PHILIP, EARL OK STANHOPE. Philip, Earl of Stanhope, whose dress always corre- sponded witli the simplicity of his manners, was once pre- vented from going into the House of Peers, by a door- keeper who was unacquainted with his person. Lord Stanhope was resolved to get into the House without ex- ])laining who he was ; and the doorkeeper, equally deter- mined on his part, said to him, " Honest man, you have no business here. Honest man you can have no business /// l/iis place." — "I believe," rejoined his lordship, " you are right ; honest men can have no business here." MDCLXvin. — rigid impartiality. Sydney Smith, calling one day upon a fellow contrib- utor to the Edinburgh Review, found him reading a book preparatory to writing an account of it, and expostulated with him. " Wiiy, how do you manage?" asked his friend. " I never," said the wit, "read a book before re- viewing it ; it prejudices one so." MDCLXIX. — WHITBREAD's ENTIRE. On the approach of the election at Westminster, when Earl Percy was returned, Mr. Denis O'Brien, the agent of Mr. Sheridan, said, that "there were thousands in West- minster who woi'.ld sooner vote for the Duke of Northum- berland's porter, than give their support to a man of talent and probity, like Mr. Sheridan." Mr. Wliitbread, alarmed for the interests of Mr. S. by the intemperate language of his agent, wished him to take some public notice of it in the way of censure ; but .Sheridan only ob- served, "that to be sure his friend O'Brien was wrong and intemperate, as far as related to the Duke of Northum- berland's porter ; though he had no doubt there were thousands in Westminster who would give the preference to Mr. Whiibread's entire." MDCLXX. — A FOOL AND HIS MONEY. A YOUNG spendthrift being apprised that he had given a shilling when sixpence would have been enough, re- marked that " He knew no difference between a shilling 360 The Jest Book. and sixpence."'' — "But you will, young gentleman," an old economist replied, "when you come to be zuorih eigh- teen-pence. " MDCLXXI. — A GRIM JOKE. Daniel Defoe said there was only this difference between tlie fates of Charles the First and his son James the Second, — that the former's was a wet martyrdom, and the other's a dry one. MDCLXXII. — INSURANCE ASSURANCE. The collector in a country church, where a brief was read for a sufferer from fire, flattered himself that he had been unusually successful in the collection, as he fancied he saw an agent to one of the fire-offices put a note into the box. On examining the contents, however, he found that the note had not issued from any bank, but merely bore these admonitory words, "Let them insure, as they wish to be saved." MDCLXXIII. — GENUINE LAZINESS. A YOUNG farmer, inspecting his father's concerns in the time of hay-harvest, found a body of the mowers asleep, when they should have been at work. " What is this?" cried the youth; "why, me, you are so indolent, that I would give a crowm to know which is the most lazy of you." — "I am he," cried the one nearest to him, still stretch- ing himself at his ease. " Here then said the youth, hold- ing out the money. " O, Master George," said the fellow, folding his arms, "do pray take the trouble o{ piMing it into my pocket for me." MUCLXXIV — CUTTING. A COUNTRY editor thinks that Richelieu, who declared that "The pen was mightier than the sword," ought to have spoken a good word for the "scissors." Jerrold called scissors "an editor's steel-pen." MDCLXXV. — GONE OUT. A PERSON calling one day on a gentleman at the west The Jest Book. 361 end of the town, where his visits were more frequent tlian welcome, was told by the servant that her master iiad gone out. " O, well, never mind, I '11 speak to your mistress." — " She 's also gone out, sir." The gentleman, not will- ing to be denied admission, said, as it was a cold day, he would step in, and sit down^by the fire a few minutes. " Ah ! sir, but it is gone out too," replied the girl. MDCLXXVI. — A GOOD JUDGE. " Honesty is the best policy," said a Scotchman. " I kuow it, my friend, for I liave tried baith.''' MDCLXXVII. — MR. CHARLES YORKE. When Mr. Charles Yorke was returned a member for the University of Caml)ridge, aljout the year 1770, he w^ent round the Senate to thank those w-ho had voted for him. Among the number was a Mr. P., who was proverbial for having the largest and most hideous face that ever was seen. Mr. Yorke, in thanking him, said, " Sir, I have great rea- son to be thankful to my friends in general, but confess myself under a jiarticular obligation to you for the very re- markable countenance you have sAoion me ujion this occa- sion. " MDCLXXVIII. — THE SALIC LAW Is a most sensible and valuable law, banishing gal- lantry and chivalry from Cabinets, and preventing the amiable antics of grave statesmen. MDCLXXIX. — CHARLES JAMES FOX. After Byron's engagement in the West Indies, there was a great clamor about the badness of the ammunition. Soon after this, Mr. Fox iiad a duel with Mr. Adam. On receiving that gentleman's ball, and finding that it had made but little impression, he exclaimed, "Egad, Adam, it had been all over with me, if you had not charged with government powder ! " MDCLXXX. — PREFERMENT. Among the daily inquirers after the hcalin of an aged 362 The Jest Book. Bishop of D m, durinc; liis indisposition, no one was more sedulously punctual than the Bishop of E r ; and the invalid seemed to think that other motives than those of anxious kindness might contribute to this solicitude. One morning he ordered the messenger to be shown into his room, and thus addressed him : " Be so good as pre- sent my compliments to my Lord Bishop, and tell him that I am better, much better ; but that the Bishop of W r has got a sore throat, arising from a bad cold, if that will do." MDCLXXXI. — COMPLIMENTARY. A GENTLEMAN dining at an hotel, was annoyed by a stu- pid waiter continually coming hovering round the table, and desired him to retire. " Excuse me, sir," said Nap- kin, drawing himself up, "but I'm responsible for the sil- ver." MDCLXXXn. — -DR. DONNE. Dr. Donne, the Dean of St. Paul's, having married a lady of a rich and noble family without the consent of the parents, was treated with great asperity. Having been told by the father that he was to expect no money from him, the doctor went home and wrote the following note to him : "John Donne, Anne Donne, tindone." This quibble had the desired effect, and the distressed couple were restored to favor." MDCLXXXin. — VULGARITY. Sir Walter Scott once ha]:)pening to hear his daugh- ter Anne say of something, that it was vulgar, gave the young lady the following temperate rebuke: " My love, you speak like a very young lady ; do you know, after all, the meaning of this word vulgar? 'T is only common; nothing that is common, except wickedness, can deserve to be spoken of in a tone of contempt ; and when you have lived to my years, you will be disposed to agree with me in thanking God that nothing really worth having or car- ins about in this world is uncommon." MDCLXXXIV. — AN EXPENSIVE JOB. A GENTLEMAN passing a country church while under The Jest Book. 363 repair, observed to one of the workmen, that lie thouglit it would he an exiicn-.ive job. " Why, yes," replied lie ; "but in my opinion we shall accomplish what our rever- encl divine has endeavored to do, for the last thirty years, in vain." — " What is that ?" said the gentleman. '" Why, bring all the parish to repentance. " MDCLXXXV. — PROSINESS. A PROSY old gentleman meeting Jerrold, related a long, limp account of a stupid practical joke, concluding with the information that " he really thought he should have died \\''\\\\ laughter." — " I wish to heaven you had," was Jerrold's reply. MDCLXXXVI. — A PLEASANT MESSAGK Mr. Barti.eman, a celebrated bass-singer, was taken ill, just before the coiriUiencement of the musical festival at Gloucester : another basso was aii]ilied to, at a short notice, who attended, and acquitted himself to the satisfac- tion of everybody. When he called on the organist to be paid, the latter thanked him most cordially for the noble manner in which he had sung ; and concluded with the following very complimentary and ]ileasant message : '■ When you see ]ioor Bartlcman, give my best regards to him ; and tell him how much wc missed him during the festival ! " MDCLXXXVir. — EXISTENCE OF MATTER. As Berkeley, the celebrated author of the Immaterial Theory, was one morning musing in the cloisters of Dub- lin College, an acquaintance came up to him, and, seeing him rapt in contemplation, hit him a smart rap on the shoulder with his cane. The dean starting, called out, " VVhat's the matter-''' His ac(]uaintance, looking him steadily in the face, replied, ".AT; matter, Berkeley.^' MDCLXXXVIII. — A SAUCY ANSWER. A Barrister attempting to browbeat a female witness, told her she had brass enough to make a saucepan. The woman retorted, "and you have sauce enough to fill it." 364 The Jest Book. MDCLXXXIX. — QUAINT EPITAPH. Dr. Fuller having requested one of his companions to make an epitaph for him, received the following : — • " Here lies Fuller's earth ! " MDCXC. — AN INHOSPITABLE IRISHMAN. Sir Boyle Roach, the droll of the Irish bar, sent an amusingly equivocal invitation to an Irish nobleman of his acquaintance: "I hope, my Lord, if ever you come within a mile of my house, that you '11 stay there all night.''' "When he was suffering from an attack of gout, he thus rebuked his shoemaker: " O, you're a precious blockhead to do directly the reverse of what I desired you. I told you to make one of the shoes larger than the other, and instead of that you have made one of them smaller than the other ! " MDCXCL — good ENOUGH FOR A PIG. An Irish peasant being asked why he permitted his pig to take up its quarters with his family, made an answer abounding with satirical naivete: "Why not? Does n't the place afford eveiy convenience that a a pig can reqtiire ? " MDCXCII. — FARCICAL. In Bannister's time, a farce was performed under the title of ''Fire and Water." — "I predict its fate," said he. "What fate ?" whispered the anxious author at his side. "What fate!" said Bannister; "why, what can fire and water produce but a hiss ? " MDCXCIIL — TOO MUCH AT ONCE. Lord Chesterfield one day, at an inn where he dined, complained very much that the plates and dishes were very dirty. The waiter, with a degree of pertness, observed, " It is said every one must eat a peck of dirt be- fore he dies." - "That may be true," said Chesterfield, "but no one is obliged to eat it all at one meal, you dirty dog." The Jest Book. 365 MDCXCIV. — EPIGRAM. (On Bishop 's Religion.) Though not a Catholic, his lordship has, 'T is plain, strong disposition to a-mass (a mass). MUCXCV. — POSSIBLE CENSORS. Dr. Cadogan was boasting of the eminence of his pro- fession, and spoke loudly against the injustice of the world, which was so satirical against it ; " but," he added, " I have escaped, for no one complains of me." — "That is more than you can tell, doctor," said a lady who was present, "unless you know what people say in the other woriJ.'' MUCXCVI. — A CONNUBIAL COMPLIMENT. A LADY, walking with her husband at the seaside, in- quired of him the liifference between exportation and trans- portation. " Why, my dear," he replied, " if you were on board yonder vessel, leaving England, yon would be exported, and /should be transported!" MDC.XCVIL — DOUBLE SIGHT. A MAN with one eye laid a wager with another man, that he (the one-eyed person) saw more than the other. The wager was accepted. " Vou have lost," says the first ; " I can see the tiuo eyes in your face, and you can see on- ly one in mine." MDC.KCVIIL — WITTY AT HIS OW.N EXPENSE. Sherh)AN was once asked by a gentleman : " How is it that your name has not an O prefixed to it ? Your family is Irish, and no doubt illustrious." — - " No family," replifd Sheridan, " has a better right to an O than our family ; for, in truth, we owe everybody." MDCXCIX. — A CONVERSATIONAL EPIGRAM. Said Bluster to Whimple, " Vou juvenile fool, Get out of my way, do you hear ? " Said Whimple, "A fool did you say ? by that rule I 'm much in your ivay as I fear." 366 The Jest Book. MDCC. — A PREVIOUS ENGAGEMENT. ■ The late Lord Dudley and Ward was one of the most absent of men. Meeting Sydney Smith one day in the street, he invited him to meet himself! " Dine with me to-day, — dine witii me to-day, — I will get Sydney Smith to meet you." The witty canon admitted the temptation held out to him, but said, '^ he %aas oigaged •with him elsewhere.'''' MDCCI. — A ROYAL JEST. A CAPTAIN, remarkable for his uncommon height, being one day at the rooms at Bath, the late Princess Amelia was struck with his appearance ; and being told that he had been originally intended for the Church, " Ratlier for the stecple,^^ replied the royal humorist. . MDCCII. — EXTREMELY SULPHUROUS. Lord Chesterfield, being told that a certain terma- gant and scold was married to a gamester, replied, " that cards and brimstone made the best matches." MDCCIIL — A joke FROM THE NORTH. The reigning bore at one time in Edinburgh was Pro- fessor L ; his favorite subject the North Pole. One day the arch tormentor met Jeffrey in a narrov/ lane, and began instantly on the North Pole. Jeffrey, in despair, and out of all patience, darted past him, exclaiming, " Hang the North Pole ! " Sydney Smith met Mr. L shortly after, boiling over with indignation at Jeffrey's con- tempt of the North Pole. " O, my dear fellow," said Sydney, " never mind ; no one minds what Jeffrey says, you know ; he is a privileged person, — he respects noth- ing, absolutely nothing. Why, you will scarcely credit it, but it is not more than a week ago that I heard him speak disrespectfully of the Equator.'''' MDCCIV. — MULTIPLYING ONE. Sydney Smith once said: "I remember entering a room with glass all round it at the French embassy, and The Jest Book. 367 saw myself reflected on every side. I took it for a meet- ing of the clergy, and was deliglited of course." MDCCV. — AN AFFIRMATIVE EPIGRA>f. When Julia was asked, if to church she would po, The fair one replied to me, " No, Richard, no." At her nicaniui^ I vcntiirecl a pretty yood guess, P'or from grammar I learned No and No stood ioxYes. MDCCVI. — THE RULINO PASSION. A lady's beauty is dear to her at all times. A very lovely woman, worn out with a long and painful sickness, begged her attendants to desist rubbing her temples with Hungary water, as it would make her hair gray ! MDCCVII. — INDIFFERENCE TO DEATH. A PRISONER, who had received notice that he was to die the next morning, was asked l:)y some of his unfortunate comixinions to share tiieir repast witii them. He an- swered, " I never eat anything that I expect will ttot di- gest. " MDCCVIII. — SEL1--INTEREST. Those who wish to tax anything containing intelligence, must be actuated by selfish views, seeing that it is an im- position of which they are not likely to feel the burden. MICCIX. — all THE DIFFERENCE. A Glasgow professor met a poor student passing along one of the courts, and remarked to him that liis gown was very short. " // will be long enough before I get another,''' answered the student. The reply tickled the professor's fancy so much that he continued in a state of sujipressed laughter after passing on. Meeting a brother professor, who asked him what was amusing him so much, he told the story with a slightly varied reading. " I asked tiiat fellow why he had so short a gown, and he answered, /'/ will be a long time before I get another.'" — " Well, there 's nothing very funny in that." — "Neither there is," said 368 llie Jest Book. the professor, "I don't understand how it amused me so much. It must have been somelhiiiy in the 7vay he said it. " MDCCX. — FOOTE's last joke. When Foote was on his way to France, for change of air, he went into the kitchen at the inn at Dover, to order a particular dish for dinner. The true English cook boast- ed that she had never set foot out of her country. On this, the invalid gravely oljscrved, " Why, cookcy, that's very extraordinary, as they lell me U]i stairs that you have been several times all orcr grease !'" — "They may tell you what ihey please above or below stairs," replied the cook, "but 1 was never ten miles from Dover in my life !" — " Nay, now, that must be a//^" says Foote, " for I have myself seen you at Spithead ! " The next day (October 21, 1777) the exhausted wit " shufiled off this mortal coil. " MDCCXi. — V Envoy. There is so much genuine humor in the following jocu- lar DINNER ("ODE, that wc cannot do better than close our little volume with it. DINNER CODE. Of the Amphitryon. — I/is Nights. Art. I. — The Am|ihitryon is the king of the table : his empire lasts as long as the meal, and ends with it. Art. 2. — It is lawful for his glass to exceed in capacity those of his guests. Art. 3. — He may be lively with his male guests, and gallant towards the females ; to such of them as are pretty he may risk a compliment or two,= which is sure to be re- ceived from him with an approving smile. 7/is Duties. Art. I. — Fulfdling to the utmost the laws of hospi- tality, he watches with ]mternal solicitude over the welfare of the stomachs committed to his care ; reassures the timid, encourages the modest, and incites the vigorous appetite. The Jest Book. 369 Art. 2. — lie must aljstain from praising cither his dishes or his wines. Art. 3. — He is not to take advantage of his situation to utter stale jests or vulgar puns. A careful perusal of " The Jest Hook " will be his best security against a viola- tion of this article. Art. 4. — The police of the table belongs of right to him ; he should never permit a plate or a glass to be either full or empty. Art. 5. — On rising from table, he should cast a scru- tinizing glance over the glasses. If he sees them not quite emptied, let him lake warning by it to choose either his guests or his wine better for the future. Of the Guests. Art. I. — The first duty of a guest is to arrive at the time named, at whatever inconvenience to himself. Art. 2. — When the Amphitryon offers any dish to a guest, his only civil way of declining it is by requesting to Ije helped a second lime to that of which he has just par- taken. Art. 3. — A guest who is a man of the world will never begin a conversation until the first course is over; u]) to that i)oint, dinner is a serious affair, from which the atten- tion of the party ought not to be inconsiderately distracted. Art 4. — Whatever conversation is going on ought to be suspended, even in the middle of a sentence, upon the entrance of a dindc aux truffes. Art 5. — An applaudmg laugh is indispensable to every joke of the Amphitryon. Art. 6. — A guest is culpable who speaks ill of his en- tertainer during the first tlnee hours after dinner. Grati- tude should last at least as long as digestion. Art 7. — To leave anything on your plate is to insult your host in the jjerson of his cook. Art. 8. — A guest who leaves the table deserves the fate of a soldier who deserts. 370 The Jest Book. On Vicinity to Ladies. Art. I. — He who sits next to a lady becomes at once her cavaliere servcntc. He is bound to watch over her glass with as much interest as over his own. Art. 2. — The gentleman owes aid and jirotection to his fair neighbor in the selection of food ; the lady on her part is bound to respect and obey the recommendations of her knight on this subject. Art. 3. — It is bad taste for the gentleman to advance beyond politeness during the first course ; in the second, however, he is bound to be complimentary ; and he is at liberty to glide into tenderness with the dessert. On Vicinity to Men. Art. I.- — When two gentlemen sit together, they owe no duties to each other beyond politeness and reciprocal offers of wine and water, — the last offer becomes an error after one refusal. Art. 2.- — On being helped to a dish, you should at once accept any precedence offered you by your neighbor ; ceremony serves only to cool the plate in question for both parties. Art. 3. — If you sit near the Amphitryon, your criti- cisms on the repast must be conveyed in a whisper ; aloud you can do nothing but approve. Art. 4. — Under no pretext can two neighbors at table be permitted to converse together on their private affairs, unless, indeed, one of them is inviting the other to dinner. Art. 5. — Two neighbors who understand each other may always get more wine than the rest of the guests ; they have only to say by turns to each other, with an air of courtesy, " Shall we take some wine ? " On Vicinity to Children. Single Article. — The only course to be pursued, if you have the misfortune to be placed next a child at table, is The Jest Book. 371 to make him tipsy as quick as you can, that he may be sent out of the room by Mamma. On the Means of reconciling Politeness with Egotism. Art. I. — The epicure's serious attention should be fixed upon the articles on the table ; he may lavish his polite- ness, his wit, and his gayety upon the people who sit round it. Art. 2. — By helping the dish next yourself (should you not dine h la Russe) you acquire a right to be helped to any other dish on the table. Art. 3. — A carver must be very unskilful who cannot, by a little sleight-of-hand, smuggle aside the best morsel of a dish, and thus, when serving himself last, serve him- self also the best. Art. 4. — \'our host's ofTers are sometimes insincere when they refer to some magnificent dish yet uncut. In such cases you should refuse feebly for yourself, but accept on behalf of the lady next you, — merely out of politeness to her. Art. 5. — The thigh of all birds, boiled, is preferable to the wing : never lose sight of this in helping ignora- muses or ladies. INDEX Pace | A. I 33 Ahbev Church at Batii, The . Ui AB«a of— Where? . . . . '2:38 Aheriit-'thy, Mr 77 Above Proof 21)7 Absent Man, An 116 Absunlly Logical ^19 Acceptable Deprivation, Au . '201 Accommodating 'I\'i , AccomraoJatInK' Ph.vsician,An ISO AccommoflatinK Principles . 163 Accurate Description . . . 201 Acres and Wiseacres . . . 335 Act of Justice, An .... 147 Actor 22-2 Advantageous Tithe, An . . 255 Advertisement, Extraordinary 88 Advice Gratis 160 Advice to a Dramatist . . . Iit9 ' Advice to the Young . . . 13S AffectJition 00 Affectionate Hint, An . . . 3-14 Aped Younj! Lady, The . . 235 Agreeable and not Compli- mentary 71 Agreeable Practice, An . . 248 Agricultural Kxpi-riehces . . 184 Alere Flamman 252 A-Liquid 140 Allegorical Representation . 310 AU the Difference ... 5, 3f)7 All the &ime 31 4 Almanac-makers 15J Alone in liis Glory .... 14 Always Ibe Hetter .... 3:{6 Amende Honorable, The . . 310 American Penance . . . .217 Ample Apology, .An . . . . 356 Anecdote, An 8u Pare Anglo-French Alliance, The . 50 Angry Oci;an, The .... 81 Answered at Once .... 288 Answering her According to her Folly 345 Anticipated Calamity, An . 349 Anticipation 110 Any Change for the Better . 220 Any Port in a Storm ... 57 Apish Resemblance, An . . 322 Apt Reproof, An 307 Arcadia 24 Arcadian, An 128 Architectural Pun, An . . . 61 Argument, An 125 Artificial Heat 28 Artistic Touch, An .... 171 As Blackashecould be painted 337 .Aspiring Poverty .... 345 A.ssurance and Insurance . . 228 As Yon Like It 87 At his Fingers' Knds . . 106 Attending to a Wish . . . Iti9 Attic Jest, An 69 Attiroil to Tire 343 Audley, The Late Lord . . 130 Auricular Confession . . . 227 Awkwanl Oilho^'raphy . . 298 " Aye ! There "s the Kub " . 93 Back-hasded Hit, A . . . 209 Bacon 138 Bad Bargain, A 131 Bad Company 166 Bad Crop, A IS, 58 Bad Customer, A 00 Ha.1 End, A 15:$ Bad Kxample, A 1 Bad Habit 136 374 Index. Bad Harvest, A BadJudge, A Bad Labf 1, A Bad Lot, A Bad Medium, A Bad Peu, A Bad Preacher, A Bad Shot, A Bad Sport Balance, A Balancing Accounts .... Banker's Clicck, A . . . . Barber Sliaved by a Lawyer . Bark and Bite Barry's Powers of Pleasing . Base Joke, A Base One, A Bearable Pun, A Bear and A an Bearding a Barber .... Benefit of Competition . . . Best Judge, The Best Wine, The Better Known than Trusted . Betting Bewick, the Engraver . . . Bill Paid in Full Billy Brown and the Counsel- lor Birth of a Prince, The . . . Bishop and Churchwarden, A Bishop and his Portmanteau, The .... Bit of Moonshine, A Black and White . Black Joke, A . Black Letter . . Black Oils . . . Blowing a Nose . Book Case, A Bnswell's " Life of Johnson Braham and Kenney Bred on the Boards . . Brevity Brevity of Charity . . Brief Correspnndi^nce . "Brief Let It Be" . . Bright and Sharp . . Bright Rejoinder, A . . Bringing his Man Down Broad-brim Hint, A . . Br(jad Hint, A . . . Broad-Sheet Hint, A 85, 23 287 92 182 217 72 226 12 146 233 6o 17 305 231 34 347 97 358 16 2 212 110 193 193 155 194 ^28 50 178 71 55 335 19 159 101 18 55 70 154 237 162 81 215 178 210 63 346 245 81 165 75 Broken Head, A 98 Brotherly Love ... 46, 300 Brutal Affections 67 Budget of Blunders, A . . . 141 Buried Worth 66 Burke and Fox 258 Burke's Tediousness . . . 270 Business and Pleasure . . . 326 Busy Bodies 124 But one Good Translation . . 358 Byron Libellous 342 Cabal, A Calculation Calculation, A Caledonian Comfort . . . . Calf's Head Surprised . . . Caliban's Looking-glass . . Calumny Camhritlge Eti(|uette . . . Candid Counsel, A . . . . Candid on both Sides . . . Candle and Lantern, The . . Candor Canine Poetry Canning's Parasites . . • . Capital Joke, A Capital Letter, A Cap This Carrots Classically Considered Cart before the Horse, The . Case of Necessity, A Cash Payments . Catching him Up Cause and Effect . Cause of Absence Cause, The . . . Cautious Lover, A Celestial Vision, A Certain Crop, A . Certainly not Asleep Certainty, A . . Challenging a Jury Change for a Guinea Ohange for the Bettt Changing Hats . Changing his Coat Changing his Line Characteristics Charitable Wit . Charity and Inconvenience Charity begins at Home Charles, Duke of Norfolk 226, r, A 31 105 265 99 25 51 220 76 156 222 125 73 169 71 56 14 26 222 60 189 149 70 318 40 158 ]08 361 208 109 83 J 07 337 197 280 3 39 237 195 326 312 271 Index. 375 Chfirles II. anrt MiltDn . Chilliest no; a Leveller, A Chnlliuiu, liurd . . Cheap at the Jloney Chea|) Cure, A . . Cheap Watch, A . Check tf> tlie King Cheese and Uesscrt . Chemical Oddity . ChestiTl'ield, Lord . Chin-Surveying . , Choice of KviU, A Choice S]>irits . . . Church ill the Way, Th City (iUuton . . . City Love .... City Variiisli, A . . C'hiim on the Country Classical Wit . . . Cl.iw and Claw . . Clear Case, .\ . . . Clear the Court . . Clearin;; Flinigrants . Clerical Wit . . . Clever Pog, A . . Cliina.x, .\ . . . . CI inmil, Lord . . Close Kscape, A . . Close Translation, A Closer, A . . . . Coat-of-Arras, A . . Cockney Kpigram, A Cold Comfort . . . " Cold " CompliincMt, A Coleridge and Tlielnall College Kell ! The . . Collins, The late Mr. . Colonial Uren-eries . . Colorable K.xcuse, A Colorable Resemblance, A Come of Age .... Con)edian and n Lawyer, t Common Case, A . . Common Politeness . . Common Want, .\ Comparative Virtue . . Comparison, S. . . 1.52, Comparsons ,\x^ lijus Coniplinieiitary . . . Compliment, Klegant . Compliment Ill-received, A Computation .... Conceited, but not Seated 19, 2.-54, 192 334 203 20J 17 168 22 21 322 37 280 334 180 24ti 358 30 61 249 333 54 122 118 272 95 47 341 172 187 317 313 211 36 132 73 275 103 24 313 179 145 9 190 04 105 219 367 273 2 362 32 78 I 22 ' 201 103, who the Con-cid'T-at'! . . . Concurrent Events . Conditional .\gieenient Coiitideiice . . . Contidence — taken from the French .... Coufinned Invalid, A Congratulation to One Curled His Hair Conjugal Caution Conjugal Conclusion, A Connoisseur, The Connubi^il Compliment. Conservative L^igic . C 'usidcraljle Lulitude ConsidL-rate Mayor, A Considerate Son, A . Consistency . . . Constancy .... Constitutional I'un, A Contraband !^cotcllman Convenient Theory, A (^onvert, A . . . . Cooke's Kxplanation Family I'late . . Cooking his Goo-ic . Cool as a Cucumber . Cool Hand, A . . . ('ool I'roposition, A . C .01 Retort .... Corp iration Politeness Corruptly Incorruptible Couleur de Rose . . Coulson, Sir Thomas Credit Critical Politeness . Criticising a Statue . Critics Cromwell .... Cruel Case, A . . . Cruel Suggestion . . Cup and Saucer . . Cut and Come Again Cut Direct, The . . Cut Internal, The Cutting Cutting an Acquaintance Cutting his Coat Cutting oir the Supplies Cutting on both Sides Damped Abdob . . Dancing Prelates, The 139 134 315 120 193 1 85 8 282 7 365 300 44 292 89 179 245 4 67 358 4 158 315 356 85 299 208 219 172 58 232 269 30 152 CO 22S 229 63 200 51 124 103 300 253 57 310 69 240 22ti 376 Index. Danpcrous Generalization, A Dead Lausjuagi; Deadly ■Weapon, A . . . . Dear Bargain, A Dear Speaker, A Death and Dr. Dolus . . . Death-bed Forgiveness . . . Debt faid. The Debtor and Creditor . . . Decanting Extraordinary . . Defining a Creed .... Degeneracy Delicate Hint Delpiui's Kemonstrauce . . Democratic Vision .... Deserved Retort, A . . . . Destitution of the .SmithFamily Devil's Own, The Dialogue, A Dialogue in the Western Islands of Scotland . . . Dido Difference, A Difference of Opinion Difficult Task, A Difficulties in either Case . . Diffidence Dilemma, A Dinner Code . .... Direct Road, The .... Disappointing Subscriber, A . Disapprobation " Distant" Friend, A . . . Dis>ant Prospect, A . . . . Distressful Denouement, A Doctor Glynn's R'/ceipt Dressing a Cucumber Doctor Weather-iye . . Doctrine of Chance.-!, Xhe Dodging a Creditor . . Dogged Answer, A . . Dog-matic Dogmatism Dog Tax, The .... Doing Homage . . . Domestic Economy . . Done for Donne, Dr Doable Knoek, A . . Double Sight .... " Double Times," A . . Doubt Explained, The . Doubtful Compliment, A 243 I 110 288 323 3iy 335 323 77 126 ItiS oJ-JO 12J 130 144 80 04 351 229 16 279 86 4 277 188 318 185 168 368 197 194 45 259 16 300 for 285 59 15 136 10 27 221 3.52 223 92 3.52 .162 116 365 8S 353 31 Doubtful Creed, A . ... 105 Dreadful Suspicion, A . . . 328 Drinking Alone ... 174 Driving it Home 113 Droll to Order 322 Drop, A 306 Dry, but not Thirsty . . .350 Dry Fellow, A 227 Dry Humor 337 Dull Man, A 274 Dulness of a Debate .... 162 Dunning and Lord Mansfield 39 Dunning and Lord Thurlow . 97 Duplex Movement . . . 58 Dutiful Daughter, A , . . S09 Early Birds of Prey . . . 261 Early Habits 342 Easily Answered 135 Easily Satisfied 164 East Indian Chaplaincy, An . 245 Easy as Lying 29 Easy Way, An .... 302 Ebenezer Adams 150 Effort of Memory, An . . . 163 Elegant Compliment ... 32 Elegant Retort 205 EUiston and George IV. . . 240 Eloquent Silence 117 Emperor of China .... 48 Empty Gun, The 113 Empty Head, An .... 92 Encouragement 216 Endless Task, An .... 351 Entering the Lists .... 236 Entertaining Proposition, An 318 Envy 238 Epigrams : — Accounting for the Apostacy of Ministers 173 Addressed to Miss Edge- worth .... .83 A Good Word for Ministers 39 An Affirmative .... 367 By a Plucked Man ... 93 Conversational .... 365 "Cumberland" .... 34 From the Italian .... 82 " I'm Living Still" . . 17 " Life is a Lottery " . . . 90 " Nature " the Shoulder to the Burden suits . . . 311 On a Bad Man .... 47 Index. 377 Ep^(;RAM^ (continued). On a Ital.l llL-ad .... 198 On !i ccrtiiiu M. P.'s Indis- pouitioa 196 Oil a Dchtor Lonl .... 222 On a Goutlomuu named Ilfddy 297 On a (J real Talker . . . ;5:i7 On a Jury lT(i 0.1 a 1/iily who pquiiitod . I'J On a Lady who was I'ainti.'d 2ti2 On a Little Memb-i's Vtr- satility 20:5 On a New Duke . ... '67 On a I'etit-Maitre Physician 240 On a Sciuinting Pocltss . 315 Ou a Stone thrown at a very Ciicat Man, but wliich miss„-d him 26 On a StudiiMt 232 On Alderman Wood . . 224 On an .M. 1*. who recently got his Election at tlie S.ierifice of his Political Character 214 On Hank Notes being made a Le^al Tender . . . . t)3 On bishop 's Religion . 305 On lilack and White ... 63 On Blank Cartridge . . .341 On Bloom field, the Poet. . 2'Jl On Butler's Monument . . 340 On Charles Kean, the Actor SO On Oibber 74 On " Di.sloyal " Collins . . 330 On Dr. Olyim's Beauty . . 182 On Ur. Lettsom 2J0 On Dr. Walcol's Application for Shielil's Ivory Opera Pass 315 On Dr. Walcot's Request for Ivory Tickets . . . . 31S On Drink l^i On Hearing a pro^^ing Ha- rangue from a certain Bish ip 245 On Interminable Harangues 76 On Jekyll's nearly being thr^iwn down by a very small I'ig 116 0.1 L— eechcs in a sitti ig Posi- EpinR.vMS (continued). tion, owing to excessive Gmt 121 On Lird E — nb — h's Peri- cranium 89 On Lord W 's saying the Independence of the House of Lords is gone . 193 On -Marriage 170 On .Meanness 117 On .Mr. Croker Ill On .Mr. tiully 2J4 On Mr. Pill's being pelted by the .Mob 295 Ou Mr. .Milton, the Livery Slable-keejier .... 239 On Neglect of Judicial Du- ties 129 On Phryne 345 On Pride 101 On Rogers, the Poet . . . 226 Oa Shelley's Poem, " Prj- metheus Vnbound" . . 230 On Sir AN'alter Scott's Poi-ra of " Waterloo " . . . .304 On the alleged Disinterest- edness of a certain Pre- late _ ... 109 On the charge of Illegally Pawning brought against Captain B , M. P. . 200 On the Column to the Duke of York's Memory ... 29 On the Death of Foote . . 81 On the Depth of Lord 's Arguments 88 On the Disappointment of the Whigs 307 On the Duke of 's Con- sistency 101 On the Four Georges . . . 2j4 On 111,- Immortality of 's Sp;,'eches 89 On the King's Double Deal- ing 166 On the late Duke of Buck- ingham's Moderate Re- form 328 On the Man'iage of a very thin Couple 172 On the Name of Keopalani 153 On the Oiled and IVriuni'l Ringlets of a certain Loi d 17S 378 Index. Epir.RAMS (^continued). On the Price of AUuiission to see the Mammoth Horse On the Sincerity of u cer- tain Prelate On Two Contractors . . . On the Two llarveys . . On Wolsey On 'sPonderousSpeeches On "s Veracity . . . " Pocket your Watch " . . Suggested by hearing a De- bate The Tann°r " There's Nobody at Home" To Closefist To Lady Mount E . . "Turncoat" Upon the Trustworthiness of " Very Hke a Whale " . . Written on the Union, 1801 Episcopal Sauce Epitaph for Sir John Van- brugh .... Epitaph on a Miser Epitaphs . . . Epi[ai)h upon Peter Sta: Error Corrected, An Erskine, Henry . Erskine's Firmness " Essay on Man " Equal to Nothing Equality . . . Equality of the Law Equitable Law Equivocal Preference, An Equivocation, An Erasmus v. Luther Error in Ju Igineiit Erudite .... Euclid Refuted . Evasion, An . . Evidence of a Jockey Exaggeration . . Excusable Fear . Excuse for Cowardice Existence of Matter Expectoration . . Exp 'nsive Job, An Expensive Trip, An Explanation, An . 266 220, 52, 162, 134: 316 247 347 22o 319 131 241 115 65 303 300 46 332 154 2'JS lU 16 220 247 227 237 244 327 1S5 177 166 288 290 355 193 293 306 302 333 335 75 HiO 275 2)5 363 211 3i)2 311 180 Experimentum Crucis . . . 324 Extonuatiug Circumstances . 119 Extinguisher, An .... 12 Extraordinary Compromise . 177 Extreme Simplicity .... 87 Extremely Sulphurous . . . 366 Extremes Meet . . . . 59, 77 Eye to Profit, An 33 Fair Distribution, A . . . 344 Fair Play 204 Fair Proposal, A 105 Fair Repulse, A 64 Fair Substitute, A . . . . 4 Fairly Won 293 Fall in Mitres, A 23 False Delicacy 23 False Estimate 216 False Face True, A . . . . 292 I'alse Quantities 154 False Quantity 27 Familiar Friend, A . . . . 329 Familiar Illustration, A . . 41 Familiarity 177 Family Party, A 25 Family Pride 74 Farcical 364 Farmer and Attorney ... 44 Farren, the Actor, On . . . 54 Fashion and Virtue .... 323 Fat and Lean 264 Fatigue Duty 152 Favorite Air, A 210 Fear of Educating Women . 140 Feeling His Way 103 Feeling Witness, A .... 59 Female Talkers 49 Few Friends 185 Fiction and Truth .... 264 Fig for the Grocer, A . . . 150 Fighting by Measure ... 49 Filial Affection 182 Fillip for Him, A 18 Fire and Water 155 Fire of London, The .... 31 Fishing for a Compliment . . 82 Fishy, Rather 80 Fixture, .\ 74 Flash of Wit, A 276 Flattery turned to Advantage 30 Flying Colors 318 Following a Lead'T .... 78 Foci and His Money, .\ . . . 359 Index. 379 Fool Conflrm^d, A .... 252 Fool or Knave, The .... 313 Foote ya Fo.)t« iind Lord Townsend . . 94 F.iote's Last Joke 36S Footiuna H59 Foru(,'i'iJ? 118 Force of Iliibit, The . . 12o, 2o7 Force of Nature 55 Force of Satire, The . . . . 4J Forcible Ar^juinent, .V . . . 276 Foreign Accent, A . . . . 'ii Forgetful .Man, A 181 Fortuiiat- Kxpodient, A . . 2i)4 Fortunate Stars 2?0 FowlJoke, A 311 Fo.v, Charles James .... 3)1 Free Translation, A . . . . 355 French Languaj-'e .... lOJ French I'recipitation ... 52 Full House, A 257 Full Inside 170 Full Proof 74 Full Stop, A 264 Funeral Invitation .... 356 Oamblinu 234 Garrick and Foote .... 1J9 Qarth and liowe 357 Generosity and frutieocs . . 213 Gently, Jemmy 151 Genuine IriMih Dull .... 12S Genuine Liziness .... 300 Ge irge 11. and the Recorder . 106 Gettinft a Living 274 " Octtinf: the Worst of It " . 340 Gluttons and Kpicures . . . 153 Going from the Point . . . 335 Going to Kxtremes ... 332 Gone Out 360 Good .Advice . 3, 152, 209, 211 Good at a I'inch 2>5 Good .\pnetite, K .... 25 1 Good at the Halt 302 Goixl .Authority 17-5 Good Character, A . . . . 304 Good Critic, A 114 Good Knough for a I'ig . . 3tU G(X)1 Kvidence 227 Gooil Kxamplr, K .... 83 Good Kscuse, A 134 Good Kyes . 274 Good Hearing 206 Good-hearted Fellow, A . . 81 Good Investment, A ... 235 LiouJ Jail Delivery, A . . . 183 Good Joke, A 210 Good Judge, A 361 Good Likeness, A . . . . 253 Gooti .Mixture, A 233 Good Neighbor, A . . . . 197 Good News for the Chancel- lor 144 Good One, A 135 Good Parson, A 14 Good Place, A 30 Good Reason, A . 47, 50, 53, 78 Good Heason for a Bail Cause, A 313 Good Recommendation, A . 266 Good Riddance 105 Good Servant, A 66 Gootl Sport 65 Good Swimmer, A . . . . 171 Good Translation, A . . . . 138 G )od Wife, A 250 Gouty Shoe, The 189 Graceful Kxcuse 175 Graceful Illustration, A . . 230 Grafting 218 Grammatical Distinction, A . 17 Grandiloquence 248 Grandson, The 299 Grave Doctor, A IS Great Cabbage 251 Great Difference, A . . . . 132 Gretna Customer, A . . . 100 Grim Joke, A 360 Growl, A 188 Grunt, A 312 Guide to Government Situa- tions, A 59 Habeas Cobpcs Act . . . 194 Half-way 76 Hand and Glove 21 Handsome Contrilnition, A . 42 ILippiness 41 Ha])py .Man, A 121 Happy Suggestion, A ... 32 Hard Hit. A • 187 Hard of Digestion .... 215 Hard-ware 221 Having a Call 253 Heavy Weight, A .... 296 lie "Lies Like Truth" . . 21 38o Index. He who Sung "The Lays of Ancient Kume " . . . . 322 Hem-y VIII 278 Hero-phobia 20 Hesitation in his Writing . . 59 Hiatus, A 102 Hic-cupping 10 High and Low 30 Higli Gaming 215 Highland Politeness . . . 186 Hinc lUas Liichi-yma; ... 70 Hint for Genealogists, A . . 191 His Way — Out 188 Hoaxing an Audience . . . 206 Holland's Funeral ... .308 Honie Argument, A .... 72 Home is Home 19 Honest Horse, An .... 31 Honest Man's Litany, Thj . 204 Honest Warranty, An . . . 94 Honor 311 Honor to Tipperary, An . . 338 Hook's Politeness 127 Hopeful Pupil, The .... 124 Hopeless Invasion, A . . . 322 Home Tooke and Wilkes . . 284 Horse Laugh, A 7 Horses to Grass 285 How to Escape Taxation . . 238 How to get rid of an Enemy . 261 How to make a Man of Conse- quence 168 Howe, L r 1 278 Human luippiness .... 64 Humane Society at an Even- ing Party, The 191 Humor under Difficulties . . 52 Humorist Piqued, A . . . 339 Husbanding his Resources .321 Husband's Marriage, On Mr. 120 " I CAN GET Through " . . 263 Idolatry 79 Illegal Indorsement, An . . 325 Imitation of a Cow . . . 121 Important to Bachelors . . 2S0 Impossible in the Evening . 254 Impossible llenunciation, An 191 Impromptu by Counsellor Bushe 181 Impromptu by R. B. Sheridan 180 Impromptu on an Apple being thrown at Mr. Cooke . . .230 Impromptu — " St. Stephen's Walls" 101 Impromptu — " The Fall of Sparta " 143 Impudent Wit, An .... 346 Inadvertence and Epicurism . 286 Incapacity 2U Inconvenient Breakdown, An 303 Incredible 5 Independence 101 Indilference to Death . . . 367 Indifference to Life .... 274 In-door Relief 185 Industry and Perseverance . 212 Industry of the English People 307 Inevitable Misfortune, An . 352 Information easily Acquired . 326 Ingenious Device, An . . .196 Ingenious Reply of a Soldier . 37 Ingenuousness 104 Ingratitude 58, 283 Inhospitable Irishman, An . 364 In Memoriam ..... 320 Inquest Extraordinary . 97, 312 Inquest — not Extraordinary 132 Inquests Extraordinary . . 102 Inscription on Inscriptions, An 2 Insurance Assurance . . . 360 In Suspense 27 Interesteil Inquiry .... 357 In the Background .... 230 In tlie Dark 218 Introductory Ceremony, An . 67 Intruder Rebuked, The ... 30 In Want of a Husband . . . 231 Ireland's Forgery . . . .134 Irish and Scotch Loyalty . 290 Irish Imprudence .... 291 Irishman's Notion of Discount, An 282 Irishman's Plea, An . . . .212 Iron Duke, The 118 " I Takes 'em as they Come " 341 "I 've Done the same Tiling often 103 James Smith and Jcstice HoLBOvn 235 Jemmy Gordon 256 Jest of Ancestry, The . . .176 Jew's Eye to Business, A . . 286 Johns m and .Mrs. Siddons . 128 Johnson, Dr 190 Index. 381 Johnson, Dr., without Varia- tion Johiiso.i's, Dr., Oiiiuiuii of Mrs Siililous . . . Joint Concern, A . . . Jolio from the Nortli, A Jolly Coui|>.iiiiond Jonsoii, llt'o .... Judue in a Fog, A . . Jn'l);nu'nt " Junius " discovereJ . Jury Case, X . . . . Just as Wonderful . . Ju3t Debtor, A . . . Justice .Midas .... Justice not always Blind Kean'.s Impromptu . . Keen Reply .... Keeping a Conscience . Keeping a Prmni-'i' . . Keeping It to Himself . Keeping Time . . Kew, The Way to . . Kille.l by IlisOwQ Rjmedy Kind Hint, A . . . . Kitctiener and Colm.iu . Knotty Point, A . . . Knowing Ilest .... Knowing His .Man . . Know iug Ills Place . . Lady Axnb .... L.amb and Krskine . . Lami) a:id Sh.irp Sauc3 Lame lieggar, The . . Landlord and Tenants . Lirge, but Not Large Enouj: Last Kesourc •, .\ . . . " Last War," The . . Late and Karly Lilte Dinner .... Late Discoverer, A . . Late Edition, A . . . Latimer Latin for Cold, The . . Latin Gerunds, On the . Law and Physic . . . 181, Law and the Scottish Thane . Lawyt-i's House Lawyer's Opinion of Law, X . Leavi'ig His Verdict . . . L-gWit 71 197 40 360 250 Ui» I'JJ 202 11 350 312 50 332 1-14 L-'gal .\dult.?ratloii Legal Extravagance L'Envoy .... Letter C, The . . Letter II, The . . Letter Wanting, A Lioeral Oift . . Licensed to Kill . Lie for Lie . . . Light Uread . . Light-headed . . Light Joke, A . . Light Study, A . Lighi Subject, The Liucola's-lnn Dinner Lines to O'Keefe Lingual Infection Liquid Remedy for Bald Listun's Dream Literal Joke, A . Literary Pastime . Lit-'rary Rendering, Little to Give . . Long Ago . . . Long Bill, A . . Long Illness, A L )ng Residence, A Long 5>t ory . . . Look .\-head . . Look in his Face . Losing an I . . . Last and Found . Live Love and Hymen Love of the S-a . Love Songs, by Dean Lu-ius Natura;, A . Lu.xurious Smokiuj Lying .... Lying Consistently Mac heady to Call Mad tiuak.rs . . . Maids and Wives Majesty of Mud, The Making a Cleaianco , Making Free . . , Making Free with the W Making It Up . . . Making Progress . . Maloije, Sir .\iithony Man and a Broth.r, A Man of L.'tters, A Sw ift 147 249 308 248 130, 199 . 138 . 135 . 100 . 198 . 80 . 20 . 250 . 19 . 4 . 207 . 330 . 214 . 196 , 143 , 125 . 354 , 2S4 171 348 145 . 279 239 101 178 12 113 270 220 14S 157 32 189 173 20^ 20 178 138 43 61 143 263 321 52 232 181 337 26 aist . 382 Index: Man of Metal, A 306 Man-traps 179 Man AVitliout a Rival . . . HJS Mark of Kespect, A . . . .100 Marriage 82, 211 Matrimony 349 Matter iu His Madness . . 8 Maule-praciice 249 Measure fur Measure . 64, 146 Measure of a Brain, Tlie . . 93 Measuring his Distance . . 46 Meciianical Surgeon, A . . 169 Medical Opinion, "A .... 158 Medicine must be of Use, The 62 Melo-dramatic Hit . . . .279 Men of Letters . . . . 205 Men of Weigiit 322 Merry Thought, A .... 346 Michaelmas Meeting, A . . 331 Milesian Advice 77 Military Axiom, A . . . . 276 Military Eloquence .... 310 Milton (in Woman .... 63 Mind your Points .... 242 Minding his Business . . . 107 Minding his Cue 203 Miser's Charity 53 Mistake, A 191 Mistaken Identity .... 13 Model Philanthropist, A . . 251 Modern Acting 185 Modern Sculptor, A . . . . 188 Modest 46 Modest Merit 75 Modest Request 25 Men- y-Borrow.r Deceiv_d,Tha 306 Money-Lender, A . . . .217 Money Returjied 21 Money's ^Vork 188 Money's Worth . . . 233, 262 Monster, A 215 Sloral Equality of Man ... 93 More Honored in tlje Ki'each 238 Mot of Defoe 54 Motherly Remark .... 233 Much Alike 250 Multiplying One 360 Musical Blow-up, A . . . .174 Musical Taste ...... 214 Mystery Cleared Up, A . . 237 NAMEr.ESS 5Iax. A . . . . 260 Napoleon's Statue at Boulogne 123 i Nat Lee and Sir Roger L'Es- trange 43 National Prejudice .... 247 Native Wit 35 Natural 300 Natural Antipathy . . . .228 Natural (jrief 186 Natural Transmutation . . 60 Nature and Art 273 Naval Oratory 108 Neat Quotation, A .... 65 Neat Suggestion, A . . . . 315 Neck or Nothing 24 Neighborly Politeness . • . 293 Nevr Disguise, A 141 New Idea, A 296 New Reading, A . . . 201, 271 New Relationship ... 3, 317 New Scholar, A 82 New Sign, A 151: New Sport, A 104 New Mew, A 255 New Way to Pay Old Debts . 29 New Way with Attorneys, A . 363 Nice Distinction, A . . 95, 112 Nice Language 120 Nicknames 265 Night and Morning .... 170 Nil Nisi, &c 166 No Harm Done 2 No Intrusion 323 No Joke 253 No Judge 173 No Matter what Color . . . 242 No Music in his Soul . . . 329 No Pride 171 No Redeeming Vir..us . . . L09 No Sacrifice 261 Noise for Nothing, A . . . 167 Nominal Rhymes .... 83 Noil Compos 200 Non S.'quitur 57 " None so Blind," &c. . . . 58 North, Lord, Asleep . . . 101 North's, Lord, Drollery . . 241 Nosce te Ip^ium 243 Not at all Anxious .... 324 Not at Home 207 Not Finding Himself ... 347 Not giving Himself " Airs" . 305 Not Importunate . . . ., . 236 Not Improbalile 308 Not Insured Against Fire . . ISO Index. 383 Not Necessary 228 Not Polittt ll'J Not Quite Correct .... 252 Not Right 20 Not K )(>iii for a Neighbor . . 339 Not Sick Kiiough for That . . 273 Not so Hill lor a Iviiig ... 58 Not so - Daft " as Keputed . 321 Not so Kasy 100 Not to be IJelieved .... 342 Not to be li.ught .... 08 Not to be Done Urowu . . . 270 Not to be IVinpteil .... 218 Not to be Tritkil with ... 87 Not True 154 Not i; iNott 35 Nothiu'JC but Hebrew . . . 200 Nothing but the '•Bill" . . 12 Notliiug IVrsoiial .... 190 Nothing Surprising .... 339 Notliing to Boast of ... . 313 Notliing to Laugh at . . . 199 Notice to Quit 125 Notions of Happiness . . . 181 Novel Complaint, -V . . . . 8 Novel Idea, A 112 Novel OITeuce 45 Novelty, A 60 Objectionable Process, k . 323 Ocular 307 Od.l Uir.l, An 102 Odd Comparison, .\n . . . 40 Odd Family, Au 99 Odd Fellow, Aq 68 Odd Foresight 169 Id Housekeeping .... 225 Odd Humor 324 Odd Notion, An . . . . 277 Olid Occurrence, Au . . . . 242 Odd Question, An .... 180 Odd Reason 213 "Oir with his Head" . . .337 OfTjnsive Preference .... 325 Old Adage Refuted, An . . 314 Old Age 162 Old Friends 311 Old Joke, An 112 Olil Stories over Again ... 52 Old Times 128 Omnious, Very ! 213 On the Right Side .... 40 On the Spot 327 One Bite at a Cherry ... 150 OLie Fault 312 " One tor his Nob " . . . . 9 One (io.id Turn Deserves An- other 7 One H.-ad Better than a Dozen 128 One-Sided Joke, A . . . . 35.J One Spur-Hurseniau, The . . 255 One Thing at a Time . . :ilO Oue Thing Wanting, The . . 7 Only a Niuejiin 317 Only Kui/u^h lor One . . . iUO Oidy lor Life 304 Open ConlessioD 289 Openly 32t! Opposite Tempers .... 281 Orators, The 186 Oratory 252 Order for Two, Au .... 82 Order ! Order ! 123 Origin of (he terra Urog . . 208 Original Attraction, .Vu . . 79 Orthography 277 Our Kiiglish Love of Dinners . 170 "Our Landlady" .... 246 " Out, Brief Caudle "... 33 Out of Sjjirits 302 Outline, \n 304 Outline of an Ambassador . 272 Outward .\ppearauce ... 28 Over-wise 101 O.Kford and Cambridge Actors 132 P.tDDY's Lonic 54 Painful Kxamination, A . . 325 Painted Charms 327 Painting 162, 106 Painting and Medicine . . . 221 Par Nohile FraUum .... 143 Pardonable .Mistake, A . . 6 Parliamentary Case .... 272 Parliamentary Reprimand . 184 Participation in a Practical Joke 282 Partnership Dissolved ... 88 Passing the Bottle .... 11 Pat Reply, A 161 Patience 305 Patrick Henrv 175 Paying in Kind . . . 130. 257 Pence Table 108 Perfect Bore, \ 210 Perfect Discontent .... 131 384 Index. foi- 310, A The Personalities of Oarrick and Uuiu Pert Pertinent Enquiry . Pjrtiuent yueslion, A Pheuunieuou Accounted Pbilaiitliropist, The Philip, Karl of Stanhope Philosophical Reason, A Phonetic Joke, A . . Picking Pockets . . Pickpocketing . . . Piece de Resistance . Piece of Plate, A . . Pig-headed . . . Pigs and ttie Silver Spoon, Pill Gratis, A . . Pink of Politeness, The Pious Minister, A Place Wanted, A . . Placebo, A . . . . Plain Enough . . . Plain Language . . Plain Speaking . Play upon 'Words, A Player, or Lord . Playing on a Word . Pleasant .... Pleasant Deserts . . Pleasant for a Father Pleasant Invitation . Pleasant Message, A Pleasant Partner, A . Plumper, A ... Plural Number, The Poet Foiled, The . . Poetical shape, A Eoets to certain Critics, Point, A . . . Point Needing to be Settled Polite Rebuke, A Polite Scholar, The . Political Corruption . Political Logic . . Political Sinecure . . Poor Curate, The . . Poor Laugh, A . . Poor Law .... Poor Substitute, A . Pope's Last Illness . Popping the Question Porsoii V. Dr Jowett Porsou's Visit to the Continent The ,A 231 164 208 347 63 165 359 255 144 321 97 123 113 56 292 133 36 131 67 67 267 149 249 256 320 33 252 72 354 363 275 325 249 190 64 225 106 349 208 85 80 348 240 296 349 343 301 281 25 214 27 Portmanteau v- Trunk . . 127 Portrait Capitally E.vecuted, A 8 Poser, A 44, 203, 226, 267, 287 Poser by Lord Ellenborough,A 170 Possible Censors 365 Post-Mortem 69 Pot Valiant 225 Powder without Ball . . .281 Practical Retort 248 Precautionary 330 Preferable Way, A . . . .334 Preferment 361 Prefix, A 283 Pressing Reason, A . . . . 232 Pretty 308 Pretty Metaphor, A .... 26 Pretty Picture, A .... 38 Pretty Reply, A 358 Previous Engagement, A . . 366 Priest's Orders 336 Prime's Preservative . . . 320 Primogeniture .'22 Prince of Orange and Judge Jefferies, The 25 Principle of Governments, The 314 Priority 236 Probability, A 147 Problem for Total Abstainers, A 352 Profession and Practice . . 331 Professional 47 Professional Aim, A . . . . 318 Professional Candor .... 329 Professional Comi)anions . . 330 Professional Recognition . . 351 Profitable Juggling .... 97 Promise to Pay, A . . . . 139 Proof Impression 23 Proof Positive 320 Proper Answer, A . . . . 206 Proper Distinction .... 174 Proper Name, A 299 Proper Retort, A 116 Prophecy, A 74 Prosiness 363 Proud Heart, A 191 Proverb Reversed, A . . . 186 Provident Boy, A .... 62 Proving their Metal .... 16 Pulling up a Poet .... 338 Punctuation 139 Pungent Pinch, A . . . . 336 Index. 385 " Puppies uevor Sec till they art- Nine Uays Old " . . I'J-J Pure Folks 144 Purser, The 'i'i Putting a Stop to Pilgrim's Progress 90 Q E. D 79 Qu:iiiit ICpitnpli 304 (Qualifying fur Bail . . . 'i'A yuaiitum Sud" "^12 Quakerly Objection, A . • • 80 Queer Expression, A . . • 282 Queer Partners 172 Query Answcreil, A . . • . 62 Query for Mr. Babbage, A . 20^ Question antl Answer ... 00 Question Answered . . . .312 Question for the Peerage, .-V . 107 Question of Descent, A . . . SSt Question of Tinvj 133 Quick Lie, A 346 Quirt Pro Quo 86, 216, 267, 269 | Quiet Dose, A 226 Quiet Tlieft 151 Quin and Cliarles 1 316 Quin and the Parson . . . 227 Quin's Saying 50 Quin's .Soliloquy on Seein.' thiJ embalmed boily of Duke Humphrey, at St. .Vlban's . 38 Quite Aground 199 Quite at Ease .271 Quite Natural 53 Quite Perfection 24 Quite Poetical 219 Quite Professional ... 290 Quite True Sa U.MI.KIIAD KScilSKKH, TuK . 155 Rake's Economy, A . . . . 164 Rare Virtue 43 Rather .\-curate 262 Rather Ethereal 278 Rath r Ki rocious aOS Rather Hard 1.33 Rather .-^aucy 161 Rather the Worst Half . . . 257 Ready-made Wood I'avenient 174 Ready Reckoner, A 70. 163, 25'.) Ready R'i>ly, A 73 Rc'a.son, A . . ... 311 Reason for being too hate, .V . 356 Reason for Belief, A ... 326 Reason for Going to Church . 70 Reason for not .Moving, A . . 338 Reason for Polygamy, A . . 342 Reason for Running Away . 24S Reason for Thick Ankles . . 293 Reason Why, The . . 94, 213 Keasonable Ueniand, A . . 149 Reasonable Excuse, A . . . 193 Reasonable Preference, A . . 323 Keasonable Refusal, A . . . 241 Reasonable Recjuest .... 102 Reasons for Drinking . . . 242 Rebel Lords, The 196 Rebuke, A 251 Reciprocal Action .... 355 Recruiting Sergeant and Coun- tryman 86 Rellection, A 96 Reformation 170 Relations of Mankind . . . 173 Remarkable Echo, A . . . 309 Reproof 115 Republic of Liarning, The . 107 Republic of Letters, Tlie . . 324 Reputation 181 Resignation 144 Resting Herself 334 Retort Cutting, The .... 31 Revers ■, A 214 Reverse .loke, A 221 Reverse of Circumstances . . 9 Richmond Hoax, The . . . 262 Right Organ, The 242 Rigid Impartiality .... 359 Ringing the Changes ... 91 Rising Son, The 1 Riskful Adventure, A . . .331 Rivals, The 110 Roger.s — Poet and Skipper . 176 Rowing in the Same Boat . . 128 Rowland for an Oliver, A . . 163 Royal Favor ...... 63 Royal Jest, A 366 Roval MulT. A 164 Roval Pun 145 Rub at a Rascal, A .... 61 Rule of Practice, A . . . .354 Ruling Passion after Death, The 51 Ruling Passion Strong in Death, The .... 200, 350 Ruling Passion, The 129, 21S, 367 Rum anil Water 141 386 Index. Runaway Knock, A . . . . 195 iluoning Accounts .... 291 Running no Risk 339 Saddle on the Right Horse, The 18 Safe Appeal, A 108 Safe Side, The 292 Sage Advice 128 Sage Simile, A 61 Sailor's Wedding 215 St. Peter a Bachelor . . . .286 Salad 221 Salic Law, The .... 361 Salisbury Cathedral Spire . . 147 Sanitary Air, A 218 Satisfaction 108 Satisfactory Kxplanation, A . 3-tO Satisfactory Reason, A . . . 115 Satisfactory Total 105 Saucy Answer, A 303 Save us from our Friends . .157 Saving Time 247 Scandalous 25 Scold's Vocabulary, The . . 40 Scotch Caution 119 Scotch Medium 130 Scotch Penetration .... 133 Scotch Simplicity 42 Scotcli Understanding ... 66 Scotch "Wut" . . . 168,316 Scotchman and Highwaymen 291 Scott, Sir Walter, and Con- stable 288 Scott's, Sir Walter, Parritch- pan 283 Sealing an Oath 65 Seasonable Joke, A . . 89, 273 Season-ings, The 207 Secret Discovered, A . . . 357 Seeing a Coronation .... 127 Seeing not Believing . . . 270 Self-Applause 314 Self-Conceit 235 Self-Conderanation . . 265, 325 Self-interest 367 Self-Knowledge 76 Selwyn, George 47 Sensibility 304 Sent Home Free 192 Sentence of Death .... 34 Sermons in Stones .... 341 Servants 267 Setting him Up to Knock him Down 178 Setting Up and Sitting Down 256 Settled Point, A 256 Settler, A 149 Severe 261 Severe Rebuke .... 285 Shakespeare Illustrated . . 129 Shakespearian Grog . . . 350 Shaking Hands 63 Sharp Boy 261 Sharp Brush, A . ... 320 Sharp, if not Pleasant . . . 245 Sheepish Compliment, A . . 44 Sheridan and Burke . . . 836 Sheridan Convivial ... 268 Short and Sharp 134 Short Commons 160 Short Creed, A 218 Short Journey .... 170, 278 Short Measure 168 Short Sighted 254 Short Stories 79 Should not Silence Give Con- sent 236 Shuffling Answer, A . . . . 327 Sign of being Cracked ... 68 Significant Difference, A . . 332 Silent Appreciation ... 332 Silk Gown, A 93 Simile, A 344 Simple Division 19 Simplicity of the Learned Por- son 82 Sims, Dr 211 Sinecure, A 182 " Sinking " the Well . . . 297 Slack Payment 175 Sleeping at Church .... 268 Sleeping Round 106 Slight Difference, A . . Ill, 238 Slight Eruption, A . . . . 114 Small Glass, A 92 Small Inheritance, A . . . 3 Small Joke, A -343 Small Talk :".03 Small Wit 232 Smart One-pounder, A . . . 143 Smart Reply 220 Smoking an M. V 114 Smoothing It Down .... 321 Snoring ' . 159 Snuff- bo.x. The 273 Index. I'^l Snug Lying 'JOo Soft, Very ! 7e Soldiers' Wives 253 Solomon's 'IVniple .... 202 Somethiiis; fur Dr. Darwiu . . 1 Soinettiinsj Lacking .... 204 SomutliinK Like an Insult . . 80 Something Sharp 344 Souietliing to be Grat«;ful for . :150 Something to be froud of . . 293 Something to Poclict . . . 301 Soporific, A . . . . 195, 310 Sought and Found . . . .309 Sound and Fury 9 Sound Conclusion, A ... 57 Siund Sleeper 17 Spare Man, A 145 Spare the Hod 239 Speaking Canvas, The . . . 307 Speaking of Sausages . . . 245 Special Pleading 37 Species and Specie .... 189 Specific Gravity of Folly, The 155 Specimen of the Laconic . . 306 Specimen of University Eti- quette 15S Spirit and the L-tter, The . . 112 Spirit of a Oamblor .... 270 Spiritual and Spirituous . . 5 Spranger Barry 146 Sprig of Shillalah, A ... 27 Staffordshire Collieries, The . 202 Steam-boat Racing .... 150 Sterne ........ 131 Stone Blind 71 Stop Watch, A 1S4 Stopper, A 70 Stout Swimmer, A . . . . 334 Strange Jetsura .... 133 Strange Objection, A . . . 143 Strange Vespers 201 Stray Shot, A 77 Striking Notice, A . . . . 9 Striking Point, A 102 Striking Reproof 38 Subtraction and Addition . . 14 Sudileu Change, A . . . . 90 Sadden Freedom 345 Suggestion 49 Suggestive Pair of Grays, A . 197 Suggestive Present, A . . . 140 Suggestive Question, A . . 143 Suggestive Repudiation . . 323 Suited to his Subject ... 35 Summary Decision .... 194 Sun in his Kye, The .... 346 Superfluous Scraper, A . . 356 Superiority of Machinery, The 306 Sure Take, A 277 Swearing the Peace .... 217 Sweeps 234 Swift, Dean, and Iving William 117 Sword and the Scabbard, Tlie lOS Sydney Smith 104 Sydney Smith Soporific , . 223 Syllabic Difference, A . . . 297 Symbol, A 7 T.VKK Warm.sg I 315 Taking a Hint 217 Taking his Measure .... 121 Tall and Short 40 Taste of Marriage, A . . . 165 Tavern Dinner, A . . . . 264 Tell it not in England . . . 329 Telling One's Age .... 225 Temperance Cruets .... 2S4 Tender Suggestion, A . . . 345 Terrible Possibility, A . . . 343 " The Mi.tture as Before " . . 22 Theatrical Mistakes .... 93 Theatrical Purgations . . . 314 Theatrical Wit 124 Thelwall, .Mr 209 " Thereby Hangs," &c. . . 167 Things by their Right Names 210 Three Causes 7 Three Degrees of Com])arison 205 Three Ends to a Rope . . . 231 Three Touchstones .... 15 "Throw Physic to the Dogs ! " 233 Thurlow and Pitt 121 Ticklish Opening, A ... 324 Tierney's, Mr., Humor . . . 277 Tillotson 230 TimeOut of Joint, The. . .187 Time Works Wonders . . .112 Timely Aid 243 Timely Flattery 316 Timely Reproof, A .... 115 Timidity of Beauty, The . .143 i To the Coming Man . . . .313 : Too Civil 55 I Too Civil by Half .... 246 Too Clever 250 I Too Fa-st 2J0 388 Index. Too Good Too .Grateful Too Liberal Too Many Cooks Too Much and Too Little . . Too Much at Ouoe .... Too Much of a Bad Thing . . Too Cold to Change . . . . Top and Bottom Tory Liberality Touching Trade against Laud .... Tragedy MS Transformation Scene, A . . Transporting Subject, A . . Transposing a Compliment Travellers See Strauge Tljings Trophies True and False True Courtier, A True Criticism True Dignity True Evidence True Joke, A True of Both True Philosophy True Politeness True to the Letter . . . . True AVit Trump Card, A Truth and 1^'iction . . . Truth and Khyme . . . . Truth at Last Truth by Accident, The . . Truth for the Ladies, A . . Truth not Always to be Spoken Truth not to be Spoken at All Times Trutli V. Politeness . . Trying to the Temper . Twice Ruined .... Two Carriages . . . Two Cures for Ague Two JIake a Pair . . Two of a Trade . . . Two Sides to a Speech . Two Smiths, The . . . T.vofoia lilustnition . . Typographical Transfer, A Typographical Wit . . Ugly Doo, An Ugly Trades . 233 224 260 H 244 364 165 65 140 56 109 166 43 201 221 41 317 210 251 43 267 261 156 00 287 288 164 287 123 13 240 137 133 216 100 88 78 255 253 79 275 353 159 77 90 28 42 332 260 48 304 Unanswerable Argument, An 299 Uncivil Warning 351 Unconscious Insult, An . . 317 Unconscious Postscript, An . 206 Unequal Arrangement, An . 355 Unexpected Cannonade, An . 340 Unfortunate Lover, An . . . 181 Union is Strength .... 61 Union of Opposites .... 319 Unkind 117 Unknown Tongue .... 38 Unlikely Result, An . . . 348 Unpoetical Reply .... 120 Unreasonable 94 Unre-hearsed Effect, An . . 65 Unremitting Kindness . . . 100 Untaxed Luxury, An . . . 319 Unwelcome Agreement . . 158 Up and Down 301 Up in the World 9 Upright Man, An .... 87 Use is Second Nature . . . 196 Useful Ally, A 90 Utilitarian Inquiry, A . . . 328 Vails to Servant.? .... 85 Vain Search, A . . . .96 Vain Threat, A 343 A aluable Beaver, A . . ■ • 301 Valuable Discovery .... 90 Value of Applause .... 171 Value of Nothing .... 241 Vast Domain 21 A'era Cannie 243 Verse and Worse 118 Verses Written on a Window in the Highlands of Scotland 15 Very Ajipropriate .... 287 Very Clear 46 Very Easy 303 Very Evident 213 Very Like Each Other . . .270 Very Likely .... 249, 312 Very Pointed 22 Very Pretty 102 Very Serious 130 Very Shocking, if True . . .254 Very True 173, 286 Vice Versa 190 Visible Darkness 10 Visible Proof 82 Visibly Losing 293 Voluminous Speaker, A . . 148 Index. 3S9 Vjx et PraeU-rea Nihil A'ul;,'iir Arnuineiit-* Vulj-arily .... 107, 11], W.M.KiNfi Stick, K Wulpoliaiia . . Waiiii Krifiidships ■\Vann .Man, A Waniiii;: U) Lailica . . Waste of X iiue Waste I'ow.Ihi- Way of the World . . . . Way of I'sins; Books . . . We.ik Woman, A . . . . Wearing Awav . . . . Well-bred Hors.' Well .Matched Well Slid Well Turned Wellington, Duke of, and the Aurist Wellinjiton Surpris-id . . Welsh Wii;-giiig, A . . . . Wet and Dry What Kverybody Do-'S . . What is an .\rchdeacon ? . . What's a llat without a H -ad ? What's Going On? . . . . What's in a Name? . . What 's in a Syllable ? . . . What 's my Thouglit Like ? . Wheel (if Fortune, The . . . Where it cenie from . . . Where is the Audience ? . . Whig and Tory Whist . . T Whist-Playing Whitbread's Entire . . . . White Hands White Teeth . . . . . Who 's the Fool ? Who 's t ) Blame ? . . . . Whose? Why are Women Beardless ? . Why Master of the House ? . Wide-awake Minister, K Wi le Difference, A . . " Wide, Wide Sea," The Wife at Forty, A . . Wigiied. the .\ctor . Wilberforce, Miss Wilkes and Liberty . Wilkes and a Liberty U7 3o2 32*5 119 ys .•548 54 4_' :8 10 175 11 347 9 6 •2W o40 87 •250 20 141 294 295 •285 159 •279 151 305 195 316 ls:j 07 244 229 359 2S7 275 132 ISO 192 •20S 3.iO 347 343 315 45 72 29S 101 143 Wilkes's Ready Reply Wdkes's Tergiversition W ilkic's Simiiliciiy . Will and .Vwav, K Will and the Way . Will, The . . ". . Wimly .Minister, A . Winner at Cards, A . Winning a Loss . . Wise Decision, \ . . Wise Fool, A . . . Wise Precaution . . Wise Son who knew b Father, A . . . Wit and Quackery Wit Defined . . . \Vils Agreeing . . Witty at his own £xpe ^^itty Coward. . . ^Vitty Proposition, A \\ itlv Thanksgiving Wolf,-. General A\'omau's Promises, A Women .... A\'on(lerful Cure, A Wonderful Sight, K . Wonderful T'nanlmlty Wonderful ^A'oraaii, .V Wooden Joke, A . . Woodman, A . . . Woolsack, The . . Word in Season, A . ^^. id to the Wise, A A\ ords that Burn . . Wi.rst of all Cr nies. Th Wurst of Two tvils, Worth the Money Wiirthy of Credit . . 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SPRINGFIELD REPUBLICAN. " It is almost too dainty a book to be touched, and yet it is sure to be well thumbed whenever it falls into the hands of a lover of genuine poetry." 4 THE GOLDEN TREASURY OF THE BEST SONGS AND LYRICAL POEMS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE SELECTED AND ARRANGED WITH NOTES By FRANCIS TURNER PALGRAVE FELLOW OF EXETER COLLEGE OXFORD i6mo. Green Vellum. Price, $1.75. LONDON SPECTATOR. "There is no book in the English language which will make a more delightful companion than this We have few criti- cisms to make upon this volume, which must not only be read, but possessed, in order to be adequately valued." BOSTON TRANSCRIPT. "The volume is indeed worthy to be ranked among those rare volumes of selections which really educate the public taste. Anybody who will read this volume through, and thoroughly appreciate its rich contents, may be sure that he has a true sense of the inmost essence of poetry." BOSTON COURIER. " It is an e.\quisite gem of a book in print, paper, and binding. Its intrinsic merits are not less ; for we hold it to be, on the whole, the very best selecflion of poetrj', for its size, in the lan- guage. There is not a poem in it which is not of enduring merit." NEW YORK INDEPENDENT. " Among all the books of this new era of elegance, two have been on the whole distinrtly the most beautiful, namely, De Tocqueville's Democracy in America, and the present ' Golden Treasury.' Both are better manufactured books than England can show ; for although it is true that the materials for both were in part imported, yet the deft touch of American fingers, the keen sight and judgment and ' faculty ' of American eye and brain, impart a finish and an altogt-ther this is much better than to steal ' tout ensemble ' from the wicked Emperor; which John Bull's big, thumby fingers can in no wise attain unto. We recommend attention to the singularly clear and elegant cut of the type, more particularly in the exquisite nonpareil of the notes ; the perfect clearness and evenness of the press-work ; the workmanlike finish and tasteful design of the binding, entirely simple, yet ornamental in the best sen.se : and the sharp delicacy in design and impression of the engraved tail-pieces and head- pieces." 5 The Golden Treasury Juvenile. DREAM CHILDREN BY THE AUTHOR OF "SEVEN LITTLE PEOPLE AND THEIR FRIENDS." Embellished by full-page Illustrations after designs by White, with ornamental Initials, illustrating each story. i6mo. Vellum Cloth. Price, $ 1.25., NORTH AMERICAN REVIEW. " Its external form, the prettiness of its cover, the clearness of its finely-cut type, the appropriate originality of its initial letters, the excellence of its large illustrations, are only the befitting dress and adornment of stories delightful alike in feeling and in fancy." .SPRINGFIELD REPUBLICAN. " It has an individuality and flavor of its own, is very charm- ing as a work of fancy, and healthful in the tone which breathes through the stories, like fragrance through a grove of pines." BOSTON JOURNAL. " It is a book for children ; written not down to them, as some by mistaken opinion are, but up ; so that it will not be found un- interesting to the most thoughtful reader. If any one has a child whom he loves, and in whose genius he particularly delights and hopes, let him buy this book, and in an auspicious hour, perchance when day fades into twilight, let him read one of these .stories to him, and he will find out better than fron\ any other critic their value and their meaning." CLEVELAND DAILY HERALD. "In the opinion of a jurj' of little critics to whom the book was submitted, and whose decisions have considerable weight with us in matters of juvenile literature, Dream Children is ' one of the very best and nicest' books of its class, and it occu- pies a place of honor on the children's shelf" "Dream Children is as ideal and imaginative as childhood itself. Whoever reads it, no matter of what age, will be morally elevated and refined at beholding the beautiful exposition of what is most lovely in humanity enacted in the world of flowers and animals. The .sense of what we read is twofold more affect- ing when we can see our very selves through the thin veil of fable, fairy, and allegory. This is a book which one would de- light in reading to his child, alone, in some quiet, large armchair ; or if he had no child, to ma' e him wish that he had ; for it is of that character of excellence to so commend itself, you wish everybody to know and have it." 6 A NEW EDITION OF DE TOCQUE VILLI'S DEMOCRACY IN AMERICA Translated ])y IIenuy Reeve, Esq. Edited, with Notes, the Translation Revised and in great part Rewritten, and the Additions made to the recent Paris Editions now first translated, by Francis BowEN, Alford I'rofessor of Moral Philosophy in llai-vard University. Elegantly printed on linen paper, at the University Press. IJuuiul in Maroon Vellum. 2 vols. I'ost 8vo. Price, $ 6.00. BOSTON POST. "A new edition of this noble work is before us, carefully edited by Professor Bowen, with brief elucidatory notes from the twelfth edition, and contains the matter which De Tocque- ville then added, and the last edition which he supervised. This matter consists of his Essay on Democracy in Switzerland, his great Speech, predidling the French Revolution of 1848, and his eloquent Advertisement, addressed to his countrj-men, urging a study of American institutions, as affording the most instruc- tive lessons for the organization and conduct of the new French Republic. These three papers are for the first time translated and printed here, and are valuable additions. To this is added a Memoir of the Author." NEW YORK TRIBUNE. '"The work is now presented to the American public in a form not unworthy of its high claim as a profound disquisition on the philosophy of republican institutions as exemplified in the United States. 1 1 is brought out in the superb typography of the Cam- bridge University Press." CINCINNATI DAILY GAZETTE. " For substantial elegance, perfection of paper, faultlessness of typography, and severely simple tastefulness, the Cambridge edition of De Tocqucville has never been equalled on this side of the Atlantic. Indeed, we have seen few or no rivals bearing an English imprint. It is an honor not only to the publishers, but to the book-trade of America." NEW YORK TIMES. "In its mechanical execution, this edition approaches what it is so difficult to find in either books or humanity, — perfection." BO.STON COURIER. "It is one of the handsomest and most tasteful books which have ever issued from the American press. The paper, the type, the press-work, the binding, are all of the first quality. The casket is worthy of the gem ; we cannot give it higher praise." Bowen^s Logic. A TREATISE ON LOGIC, OR THE LAWS OF PURE THOUGHT; Comprising both tiie Aristotelic and the Hamiltonian Analyses of Logical Forms. By FRANCIS BO WEN, ALFORD PROFESSOR OK MORAL PHILOSOPHY IN HARVARD UNIVERSITY. I2m0. Cloth, $ 2.00. THE PUBLISHERS' CIRCULAR. "There was great need for just such a book as this. Whate- ly's Logic is too old for the present state of the science, and the great work of Mill deals more with applied and concrete thought than with the abstract laws of pure thought. Professor Bowen's work is fully up to the modern .state of the science. It embodies the results reached by Hamilton, Mansel, Thomson, De Morgan, Boole, Mill, and others, who, within the last quarter of a century, have given a new impetus to the study of the laws of thought and the theory of logical forms. The labors of Keiswetter, Fries, Bencke, Dressier, Drobisch, and others among the German.s, have also been placed under contribution. We have thus a man- ual for collegiate study and for the perusal of professional and educated minds, which will initiate them into the most recent investigations. We should very much like to see the work intro- duced into our institutions for advanced instruction." THE ROUND TABLE. " There has been in our language an open field and a pressing demand for a treatise of the character which Professor Bowen has sought to provide. We are glad that he has been induced to meet this demand. We are glad, also, to find that he has met it so well. A simple inspection of the well-conceived and well- arranged table of contents is sufficient to convince any one who is conversant with the .subject, and with other treatises, that the author has been very judicious in the selection of his leading themes and in the general outline of his subordinate divisions. We can confidently pronounce this work to be scholar- like and thorough in its character, and most honorable to the distinguished position and reputation of its respected author." NEW-ENGLANDER. "The plan of Professor Bowen is more comprehensive than that of any of the works which we have named. The e.\ecution is in many respects deserving of high commendation, as we should expect it would be from the well-known ability, thorough- ness, and industry of the author. " ZION'S HERALD. "As it regards definition, clearness, and fulness of staternent of the various points which make a complete scientific treatise, we think the author has succeeded in producing a better te.\t-book than any other before the American people." 8 1 y ^ ^fsitv ot Laiitofnia Las Anqt-:. L 007 351 950 6 UC SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY EACILITY AA 000 695 536 3