THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES LOS ANGELES COUNTY FREE LIBRARY 178 Hitohoook History of a zoological temperance convention. 1 REFERENCE vV V^ A _ * V y HISTORY OV A ZOOLOGICAL TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. HELD IN CENTRAL AFRICA IN 1847 BY EDWARD HITCHCOCK, D.D., LL.D. PRESIDENT 01 AMHEEST COLLEGE. Ridentem dieere verum, Quid vetat ? Horace. SIXTH THOUSAND. BOSTON: PUBLISHED BY NATHANIEL No. 11 Corn hill. 1 8 r> "> . Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1849, by BUTLER & BRIDGMAN, in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the District of Massachusetts. K. B. MEAHS, STEREOTYPER. WRIGHT AND HASTY, PRINTERS. TO JOHN TAPPAN, ESQ. THE EARLY, LONG-TRIED, CONSISTENT, AND EFFICIENT FRIEND AND PATRON OF TEMPERANCE, THIS HUMBLE EFFORT TO MAKE TRUTH MORE ATTRACTIVE, BY CLOTHING IT IN AN ALLEGORICAL DRESS, IS MOST RESPECT- FULLY DEDICATED, BY HIS MUCH INDEBTED FEIEND AND ADMIRER, THE AUTHOR. PREFATORY. Tnis Fable was originally prepared for delivery at Temperance Meetings and Celebrations, and was thus used on several occasions in Massachusetts. It is now published with the addition of many new facts, derived from a further study of tJie original documents, in the hope that this allegorical mode of exhibiting Temper- ance and some other important subjects, may excite more interest than a method more didactic. At least the story may afford innocent amusement for a leisure hour. I consider myself fortunate in having secured the aid of Mr. Richard L. Hinsdale, of Worcester, to prepare the illustrations of this work. This young artist has entered fully into the spirit of the subject, (7) Till PREFATORY. and produced a series of drawings that will add very much to the interest of this production, and they seem to me to evince talents for this department of the arts deserving of patronage. These designs will repay a care- ful study, which will discover much, unobserved at first, in the expression, attitudes, and grouping of tho animals, that is appropriate, humorous, and illustrative of the sentiments of the several speeches. E. H. AMHERST COLLEGE, November 1, 1849. CONTENTS. THE CONVENTION CALLED . . . Page 14 THE CONVENTION ORGANIZED . . . 16 THE QUESTION OP LADIES' RIGHTS . 18 THE DUEL 21 THE BUSINESS OF THE CONVENTION OPENED BY THE ORANG OUTANG .... 22 A COMMITTEE TO TRY THE WINE . . 28 SPEECHES OF THE FOX AND ORANG OUTANG 31 THE ZEBRA'S SPEECH ..... 33 THE WINE COMMITTEE REPORTS ... 36 THE TAME ELEPHANT'S SPEECH ... 40 THE CHALLENGE TO PERSONAL COMBAT . 44 THE SPRINKLING WITH OTTO OF ROSES . 48 THE SHOWER BATH 51 . CONTENTS. THE BEAR'S SPEECH . . 53 SPEECHES BY THE COW, THE SWINE, AND THE DOG, FROM NEW YORK . . . . 55 THE OX RESPONDS \B^ . -. . . Gl THE HORSE GIVES TESTIMONY Gl THE CAMEL TESTIFIES . .-y . . . 62 THE OHIO SWINE 64 THE STRANGE VOICE . . .?' 66 THE VINEGAR-EEL ADDRESSES THE ASSEMBLY 68 THE WOLVES IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING ". . 70 THE SENTENCE " SKIN FOR SKIN." . . 74 THE ALLIGATOR'S SPEECH AGAINST CAPITAL PUN- ISHMENT, AND IN FAVOR OF MORAL SUASION 75 REPLY TO THE ALLIGATOR'S SPEECH, BY AN AME- RICAN DEER 76 THE LEAN HORSE'S SPEECH. . . 78 THE BUFFALO OBJECTS . . . . ". 79 THE GREAT OWL CHEERS THE CONVENTION BY HIS REMARKS 81 THE HORSE FROM THE WASHINGTON RACES . 84 A CROW ADDRESSES THE CONVENTION . . . 87 THE WILD TURKEY MOUNTS THE ROSTRUM . 88 WASHINGTONIANS AND COLD-WATER ARMIES 90 > MOUNT HOLYOKE FEMALE SEMINARY . . 91 THE GOLDEN EAGLE FROM IRELAND . . 93 THE PARROT ADDRESSES THE ASSEMBLY 95 CONTENTS. 3U PROPOSAL TO INTRODUCE TOBACCO AMONG ANIMALS. SPEECH OF THE LONG-ARMED APE . . 98 THE APE INTRODUCES THE DANDY . . 101 THE DANDY AND THE APE SMOKE DAINTILY. THE CONFLAGRATION 102 THE ATTORNEY-GENERAL'S OPINION . . 105 THE DANDY SPEAKS . ... 106 THE APE ATTEMPTS TO SPEAK . . . 108 PROPOSAL TO RAISE A STANDING ARMY. SPEECH OF THE PROBOSCIS MONKEY . . . 112 THE POLAR BEAR INTERRUPTS THE MONKEY 114 SPEECH OF THE AFRICAN ANT . . . 116 THE MILITARY PARADE .... 123 THE RUFESCENT ANT PROPOSES TO INTRODUCE- AND EXTEND SLAVERY .... 124 SPEECH OF THE GREAT ANT-EATER . . 136 FONS ET ORIGO MALI 138 THE ASS PROPOSES TO INTRODUCE HONORARY TITLES AMONG ANIMALS . . . 141 BULLETIN CONFERRING CIVIL, MILITARY, AND LITERARY HONORS .... 143 THE LEOPARD REPORTS RESOLUTIONS . . 146 THE RESOLUTIONS DISCUSSED . . . 148 THE HOG OPPOSES THE PLEDGE . . . 148 THE ORANG OUTANG CANNOT PLEDGE HIMSELF 149 THE CAT REFUSES 150 XU CONTENTS. THE MULE WILL NOT SIGN AWAY HIS LIBERTY 151 THE COW FROM NEW YORK RECANTS, AND OF- FERS TO TAKE THE PLEDGE . . . 151 THE BEAR FROM SUMATRA DESCRIBES HIS INTEM- PERATE HABITS 152 THE TAME ELEPHANT PLEADS POOR HEALTH AND THE PHYSICIAN'S PRESCRIPTION . . 154 THE GOAT'S PRESCRIPTION .... 156 THE DOG BRINGS THE MATTER TO A CLOSE . 156 HISTORY ZOOLOGICAL TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. HAVING been led by my daily pursuits for the last twenty or thirty years, to study the history, the habits, and the language of animals below man, it need not be thought strange that I should lay claim to some dis- coveries. I hope, at least, that my readers will not suspect me of stating anything contrary to the truth, when I proceed to give an account of some very curi- ous documents that have fallen into my hands in the course of my studies among the animals. Although their language be inarticulate (that is, without joints,*) it would be strange if, among modern improvements, they should not have found out how to register it. Now I must be a very dull scholar, if in twenty-five years I have not learned how to translate the hieroglyphic records of animals into my vernacular tongue. But 14 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL without further preface or apology I proceed to give a summary account of the documents which have fallen into my hands. THE CONVENTION CALLED. My readers know that the Lion is the king of ani- mals; not because he is the largest, but on account of his great strength, indomitable courage, and digni- fied manners, which enable him to conquer all other animals. Now by a law of the animal kingdom, when- ever any of the subjects of the Lion desire to have a meeting or convention of the animals, they must send a petition to that effect to King Leo. Not long since his Majesty received the following : To His Majesty KING LEO, at Ms palace in Central Africa. The undersigned, your Majesty's most dutiful sub- jects, beg leave to represent, that for a long course of years, they have lived among that remarkable race of animals called Man, by whom they have been taught the, use of many new substances, and the practice of many new arts and modes of living, which, if intro- duced among other animals, must greatly promote their prosperity and happiness. They, therefore, humbly pray, that a World's Con- vention, embracing all animals except Man, may be 'ica. ) TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 15 called, that they may make known these discoveries, and that the subject of their general introduction may be discussed. ( The ELEPHANT, Signed by < The OURANG OUTANG, and ( The Cow. This petition was successful; and his Majesty's ministers, the Tiger, the Giraffe, and the Rhinoceros, issued their mandate under the broad seal of the Empire, for the meeting of the Convention in the year 570,870 of the kingdom, corresponding to the year 5847 of Man's creation. The place of meeting was chosen on the bank of Lake Dibbie, which is an expan- sion of the river Niger, in Central Africa, and there- fore accessible to the various animals in the oceans and rivers, and is also far removed from the approach of Man. The fitting up of the place of meeting was a work of great labor and difficulty ; but was executed with great skill and good taste, by the Elephant, the Camel, the Ostrich, the Crocodile, and the Shark, who were the committee of arrangements. It was neces- sary that the spot should be chosen on the banks of the lake, where the water was deep enough to allow the largest monsters of the ocean to come within speak- ing distance. Lofty trees also must overshadow it, to afford a proper resting-place for the representatives of 16 HISTORY OP A ZOOLOGICAL the feathered tribes. Holes likewise must be dug for those animals that burrow, and various other accom- modations provided, to suit the habits and constitution of varieties from every climate and every element. As no General Convention of animals had taken place since the long one held in the Ark of Noah, it was feared that the art of providing for them had been lost, and that great suffering would be the result. But to the honor of the commissioners, who had charge of the business, not a life was lost, on this account, nor much complaint made. The greatest difficulty lay in pro- viding food ; for, as many of the animals were carni- vorous, it was feared that such, in their hunger, might make a meal of some of their fellow representatives. But the difficulty was got over by directing in the general orders, that each member should bring along with him his own provisions. THE CONVENTION ORGANIZED. The organization of the Convention occupied much time and occasioned much trouble. The question was started by the secretaries, consisting of the Chimpanze, from Africa, the Kangaroo, from New Holland, and the Grizzly Bear, from North America, whether they should record the common names of the animals, or their Latin names, and which of these should be used TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 17 in the Convention. This called forth a lively discus- sion among the more literary members. Among these was a Goat from Mount Parnassus, who declared that he had often drank from the Castalian fountain ; likewise a Tarantula from Italy, who said he could prove tLat one of his ancestors had the honor of biting Virgil, and an Owl from Babylon, who asserted that his pro- genitors had often hooted from the tower of Babel. Among the speakers was an albino Rat, who an- nounced himself from Amherst College in America He said that his hair had grown gray, and even white, by his long watchings in the walls of the recitation rooms of that institution, listening with true classical gusto to the brilliant rehearsals of Latin and Greek by the students ; and in the walls of their private rooms while they slept; for he had found that they were often in a somnambulic state, and in such a case they always talked in Latin or Greek, and much more accurately, as he thought, than in the recitation room. These languages, therefore, had become familiar to him, and if justice had been done to him, he should long since have received a degree. But if that Convention refused to use the classical or Latin names of the animals, he never could again hold up his head before the members of that learned institution. If any one of the Convention should address him by the mere title of Mr. Rat, he 2 18 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL should take no notice of it, unless it was to challenge that member to a personal combat for the insult. Hi a age, his gray hairs, and his learning, entitled him to the more euphonical and grandiloquent title of Domi- nus Mus Rattus albus. Much to the credit of the classical taste and scientific knowledge of the Convention, this debate terminated in a resolution to use the Latin names of the members on the records and in the debate. It may be proper to add, that soon after the return of Mus Rattus to America, he died before there was time to give him a diploma, probably from his great exertions in the Convention, where he fought like a hero against intoxi- cating substances. And yet (horresco referens /) we embalmed him in alcohol; and in the Zoological Mu- seum of Amherst College, he still remains to testify to the veracity of this history. THE QUESTION OF LADIES' EIGHTS. Another question, which had well nigh broken up the Convention, was, whether female animals had a right to sit, and speak, and vote, as members of the body. Many of these had come up to the meeting, some, to accompany their mates, some, out of an idle curiosity, and some, because they took a deep interest in the subject, and supposed they should be admitted to TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 19 speak and act upon it. The Cow, especially, thought it a very hard case, that her right to a seat should be disputed, after she had signed the petition which resulted in the calling of the Convention. It was well known, also, that by an almost unheard-of act of oppression and cruelty, the Bos Taurus, or Ox, her natural mate, had everywhere been separated from the Cow, so that she was left to shift for herself, and if she did not vindi- cate her own rights there was no one who would do it. The males of several other animals that had been enslaved by man stood up and gallantly defended the rights of the ladies, and stated that such had been the cruelty of man in destroying the males, that in fact the females had become their rulers in the domestic circle ; and they testified, moreover, that their sway was very gentle, and that it would be most ungallant, and an eternal disgrace to that Convention, to deprive them of the right of speaking. In short, they declared that a large number of animals had resolved to withdraw from the Convention in disgust, should such an act pass. On the other side, several of the wild animals replied with great severity, that the evils complained of by the domestic animals were all the result of their disgraceful submission to the oppression of man ; that in a state of nature no female ever ruled over her mate, but was always in subjection; that it was her business 20 HISTORY OP A ZOOLOGICAL to attend to domestic duties, and not to interfere with great public concerns ; and that they never would sub- mit to have the example set before their own mates, who had attended them hither, of seeing females sc out of their place as to make speeches there, and thus come upon a level with themselves. The contest on this question became more and more violent, and per- sonal crimination and recrimination took the place of argument; so much so, that it seemed almost certain that the speakers must have been familiar with the proceedings of the American Congress. The excite- ment, however, was calmed in a very unexpected man- ner, and almost entire harmony restored. In the midst of the uproar a Turtle-dove and its mate, a bird well known for its gentleness and connu- bial fidelity, were seen to alight upon the rock behind which sat the Lion, and around which sat the Secre- taries. So manifest a breach of order drew forth from a Panther, who had been appointed one of the con- stables, so loud a yell, that it produced an entire still- ness through the assembly. The male Turtle-dove seized the favorable moment to introduce the following resolutions, which unexpectedly harmonized the con- flicting views of the members, and passed almost by acclamation : Resolved : That those ladies who are present without TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 21 mates, not through any fault of their own, have liberty to sit, speak, and act in this Convention, and to vindi- cate the rights of females. Resolved: That each married lady present be ex- pected to take her seat by the side of her husband, and that her chief business and duty shall be to keep him in order. As the Convention was about to proceed to busi- ness, it was again disturbed by the constables dragging into the assembly, with great growling and screaming, a Wolf and a Hyaena, all covered with blood and dust. It appeared that during the discussion about ladies' rights, something was said by the Wolf, which the Hyasna thought was intended for a reflection upon his lady. He immediately passed a challenge to a personal combat ; and forthwith they ran, with their seconds, the Lynx and the Alligator, into an adjoining field, and commenced biting and tearing each other, but the constables had hold of them before either obtained the victory. A motion was immediately made and carried, to refer their case to the decision of King Leo. His Majesty, observing that in the combat the Wolf had lost his tail, and the Hyaena his ears, immediately de- creed that the tails and ears of both should be cropped close, and they be expelled from the Convention. The Shark was appointed executioner, and immediately, and 22 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL with great relish performed the sentence. They were led forth from the assembly, followed by their weeping mates. This touching sight drew tears from the eyes of the Crocodile ; and his cousin, the Alligator, was so much excited by his feelings, as to say, that if the laws of honor had been as well understood by that Convention as in the country from which he came, especially in the American Congress, so severe a judg- ment would not have been passed; and he felt con- strained by a regard to his friends who had just departed, to propose two resolutions, which he thought the Con- vention ought to pass : 1. Resolved: that the honor of the Hyaena's lady stands fully vindicated. 2. Resolved: that our departed friends have fully vindicated their own honor, and shown that they belong to a genuine race of Wolves and Hyaenas. The resolutions were instantly rejected, and King Leo took no .notice of this impudent speech, except to order proclamation to be made, that it was a fixed law of the Empire, that whoever engages either as principal or second in a duel, shall lose both his ears and his tail. THE BUSINESS OF THE CONVENTION OPENED BY THE ORANG OUTANG. The regular business of the Convention was at length commenced by a speech from the Orang Outang. He TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 23 said the Convention had a right to a more definite statement as to the object of the meeting from those who originally proposed it, of whom he was one. When first he was kidnapped and carried away from his native country by man, he felt the strongest aver- sion to everything human. But after experiencing the kindest treatment for a long time from man, his prejudices began to subside, and almost every day made him acquainted with some new article of fo or some custom among men, that showed superiority of the human race over all the ot|ut such a strange noise did it make, when quadruped, bird, fish, 3 34 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL reptile, et caeteri, et cxteri, bellowed forth their admi- ration at the top of their voices, that it frightened even a large part of the animals themselves; and they be- gan to run to their retreats; when the roar of the Lion, drowning every other sound, brought them back, and the Zebra proceeded. " The gentleman who has just spoken," said the Zebra, "has talked as if all this Convention were igno- rant of the effects of alcoholic drinks upon man. But I assure him that some of us can tell him a great deal more on this subject than he seems to know. Like him, I too have been kidnapped, and carried half round the globe, in order to be exposed to the gaze of all classes of men. " Like him, I have been tempted with wine and strong drink. Like him, also, I might have fallen into the snare, had I not seen enough of the effects of these drinks to make me abhor them, before they were brought within my reach. It was not so easy or so safe a matter, for those who kidnapped me to make me sit down at their table : for I determined never to become the slave of man, and to this day, no one of my race has ever given up his indomitable spirit, and I trust no one ever will. " But as I was shut up in my cage, I could see the effects of what was called brandy, wine, &c., at the din --table, even upon governors, and those who prided TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 35 themselves upon being called gentlemen. It is true that for a time a most delightful exhilaration, increased sociability, and oblivion of care, were the result. And thus far Mr. Sirnia, who has just spoken, has fairly drawn the picture. But I do not wonder that he stop- ped here. For it so happened, though he may not remember it, that I was on board the same vessel with him, and the governor, and I used to witness the effects of alcohol almost every day at dinner upon the whole company : and I suspect that Mr. Simia could not draw the picture much farther: for boisterous and angry words soon succeeded ; swords were sometimes drawn, or fists put in requisition, and after a good deal of bruising and blood-letting, and tumbling over one an- other, most of the company found their places on the floor, to be dragged away by the servants. Probably the gentleman has forgotten that glorious day for him, when, after having had his ear bitten off (I leave it to the Convention to judge whether that is the reason he wears a handkerchief around his head), he was dragged out at one end of the cabin, and thrown into the hold of the ship, among the bilge-water, and the governor was carried out at the other end and thrown into his berth. I should presume that both the gentlemen would have been a little troubled with headache and weak 36 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL nerves next morning, until a little more alcohol had set all to rights." THE WINE COMMITTEE REPORTS. Here the Zebra was called to order for his personali- ties, and directed by the chair to confine himself to the question. As he was about proceeding with his re- marks, the meeting was thrown into confusion by the rushing in of several animals, with screeching and yell- ing; and pouncing upon the members of the Conven- tion who were in the way, many desperate battles were fought. Among these animals was the Baboon, who led the way, followed by the Opossum, who tumbled into a slough with the Glutton, and they could not extricate themselves; next came the Rattlesnake, who glided nimbly from one animal to another, striking each with his fangs, and inflicting several fatal wounds ; and finally a swarm of Hornets darted in every direction, stinging every animal in their way, and producing the most ludicrous flouncing, kicking, and screaming imaginable, throughout the assembly. At length the Baboon, having crawled to the seat of his cousin Orang Outang, cried out, " Mr. President, the committee are ready to report." The Zebra immediately perceived that these were the THK WINE COMMITTEE EKPORTIXS TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 39 animals who had been appointed an hour before to try the virtues of the wine presented by the Orang, and raising his voice, as soon as the tumult had a little sub- sided, he cried out, "Gentlemen, I think the com- mittee have already reported, and they have given you a fine, illustration of what would be the effect of alcoholic drinks were they introduced among animals. In North America, where I was carried about a great deal, I have seen such scenes acted over among men a hundred times, at those places which they call Taverns, or houses of entertainment, where we used always to spend our nights. Frequently we were kept awake all night by the singing, shouting, and fighting of a party of men, who were out upon what they call a spree. In such taverns they have a place called a bar-room, where all sorts of alcoholic drinks are kept for sale, as was said, 'according to law/ and they used to mix up those liquors with what they called a toddy-stick. When I heard this moving briskly, while in my cage, I always knew what was to follow. I have been in the dens of all sorts of animals, and have seen them in their worst moods, and I declare that I have never seen so filthy and disgusting a place as a bar-room, fitted up accord- ing to law, for the public good, yet filled with the steam of alcohol, the smoke of tobacco, and the wran- gling and cursing of half-drunken men. If this is the . 40 HISTORY Oif A ZOOLOGICAL Civilization and refinement which the gentlemen would introduce among the animals, deliver us, I say, deliver us from so awful a curse ! Often as I have witnessed the effects of alcohol among men, I have exclaimed, 'how thankful am I that my name is not Homo sapiens, but Equus Zebra' " THE TAME ELEPHANT'S SPEECH. A tame Elephant next took the floor, and said, that what had now transpired, and the remarks made, were calculated to produce a very wrong impression. The scenes they had just witnessed, and those described by the Zebra, were examples of the abuse, not of the proper use, of alcoholic drinks. His brother Orang, as well as himself, were perfectly aware that men had abused, and that animals might abuse, even this most useful substance. And what good thing might not be abused so as to become a curse ? It was .only for its moderate and temperate use that they pleaded. They reprobated intoxication as much as any gentlemen in that Convention. What was called among men the low tippling of grog-shops, they de- spised ! But should they, therefore, be guilty of the ultraism and asceticism of denying themselves a cheer- ing glass when overcome by fatigue, or feeble health, or when it was offered to them in the social circles of TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. (hose high-minded animals that knew how to keep the baser principles of their nature in subjection to the nobler powers ? It might be that such animals as the Glutton, the Opossum, the Rattlesnake, and the Hornet, could never so control their inferior natures that it would be safe for them to use these drinks. But would it, therefore, be unsafe for the Royal Chairman of this meeting, and the noble Secretaries, and many others, 42 HISTORY OP A ZOOLOGICAL whom he might name, to cheer themselves amid their responsibilities and cares, with this charming beverage in moderation ? He would not, however, dwell upon- this point. There was another argument more conclu- sive in favor of the proposition before the meeting. It was well known that man was able to endure all climates and all extremes of heat and cold, but most other animals were confined to very narrow limits in their range. And it was by the use of alcohol that man was able to do this. He used it under the burn- ing heat of the tropics to keep him cool, and beneath the arctic cold to keep him warm. Would other ani- mals follow his example, they too might bid defiance to climate, and range over the whole earth at their pleasure. Several animals, unable to listen quietly to such statements, interrupted the Elephant. The Dog says, "I follow man into all climates, and endure without clothing, what he very imperfectly endures with it. Is it because I use alcohol ? No : I see too much of its bad influence upon my master, not only in making him capricious and cruel, but in unfitting him to endure great extremes of heat and cold, to be willing to touch a drop of it; and among the millions of my race that have accompanied man, I have scarcely heard of one that ever was tempted to TEMPERANCE POX V EN'TIOX . 43 taste of this vile poison." " Let man," said the great White Polar Bear, " first show that he, with his alco- hol, can endure an arctic winter as well as I can without it, before you impute to alcohol, what takes place in spite of alcohol." The Elephant, vexed at the interruption, took no notice of these keen thrusts at his arguments. He said, however, that he could not close without one statement founded upcri his own experience. He would urge the introduction of alcoholic drinks by the Con- 44 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL vention, because they would so much increase the physical strength of animals, and give them so much vigor of mind. Among men it was understood that one who used water only, would he weak in his body, weak in his mind, weak, indeed, in everything. Now it was well known that in all these respects animals were becoming more and more feeble, and he did not doubt but the use of cold water had been the principal cause of it. He, himself, had found his strength, and clearness, and vigor of mind nearly doubled, whenever he drank a few gallons of brandy or wine. THE CHALLENGE TO PERSONAL COMBAT. These last remarks touched the animals in a very tender point, and produced great excitement. They felt it to be insufferable slander, to represent them as becoming weak and puny. A wild Elephant, who was present, and who had never been taught the use of alcoholic drinks, strode forward into the midst of the assembly, with his eyes flashing fire, and throwing his trunk around with fearful violence, he called on the tame Elephant to come forth and measure trunks and strength with him. At the same time, coiling his trunk around a palm tree of nearly a foot in diameter, he twisted it off as if it had been a slender reed. The tame Elephant trembled and drew back : for he saw it TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 47 was a hopeless case for him to grapple with such a giant as stood before him, just out of the jungles of India. He excused himself from the combat, by say- ing that it had been impossible for him to bring along with him the alcohol necessary to give him his maxi- mum strength, and that he was in fact suffering at that moment from the weakness which always attended a deficiency of alcoholic drink. The cry of Coward! Traitor ! burst upon him from all parts of the assembly ; many of the animals in- voluntarily pressed towards him, and towards all who had advocated the use of strong drinks, and were ready to pounce upon them to prove how their strength had been slandered. The Crocodile made the water foam around him, and the shores of the lake rang again, as he bellowed out, " Let that craven Elephant, if he dare, come here, and I will show him that I have lost no strength since Job called me Leviathan." Even the Lion himself, for- getful of his dignity, had assumed a crouching posture, as if ready to spring upon his prey ; and it was obvious that a terrible scene of carnage would have terminated the Convention, had not the two following circumstant is occurred, of a singular and quite ludicrous nature, tl t restored rrrler. 48 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL THE SPRINKLING WITH OTTO OF EOSES. In the space between the two Elephants, a small, striped American animal was seen running along, and frisking about his bushy tail, as if for display. His singular appearance and imminent danger of being crushed under the Elephant's feet, attracted general attention : but none of the animals except those from America, suspected what would follow. In a moment the Elephants were seen retreating from the arena, with their trunks placed upon their nostrils, and forth- with a general snorting and blowing burst forth from all the assembly, and the cry of " Suffocation ! suffoca- tion ! flee for your lives I" resounded through the air. The American animals perceived that their colleague, Mr. Mephitis Americana, had been sprinkling the cowardly Elephant with a little Otto of Roses, and knowing that there was no danger of suffocation, they were convulsed with laughter. As soon as order could be restored, the Lion directed the intruder, Mr. Mephitis, to be seized and carried out of the assembly. But no animal could be found courageous enough to lay hold of him, and he quietly marched off to his burrow, having first turned round, and calmly said, " May it please your Majesty : My only object has been to let that Elephant, who has been slandering us all, carry evidence about him, for at least TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 51 three months, which will satisfy his nose, that it is possible to prepare odors that have some strength, with- crat alcohol." THE SHOWER BATH. This occurrence moderated a little the excitement. Still there remained too much heat; but the next cir- cumstance that occurred, thoroughly cooled down the assembly. The waters of the lake were seen to be in great agitation ; then followed a blowing noise, as if a hurricane were rising. But it was a Whale, who felt called upon to show that he had some strength left. Before he was able to speak, it was necessary that he should spout off a few hogsheads of water from his mouth. Unintentionally, he directed the stream towards the assembly, and all the animals found themselves unexpectedly enjoying the benefits of a shower bath. The Whale apologized, by pleading the strong emotions that agitated him. He was distressed and angry too, that any animals had so far become the slaves of man and of appetite, as not only to plead for the introduc- tion among themselves of a fascinating and deadly poison, but also to utter most foul slanders. He would, however, not retort railing for railing, but mention one melancholy fact that bore upon the point, and also filled him with deep solicitude. It was well known 52 HISTORY OP A ZOOLOGICAL that his race had been persecuted by man with the most unrelenting fury, and that vast numbers were yearly sacrificed to his cupidity. Until recently, however, they had been able to cope with their enemy so suc- cessfully amid the polar icebergs, that their numbers had not essentially diminished. So long as the whale- ships were well provided with alcoholic drinks, he had found it no difficult matter to baffle their plans. Often had he, himself, with a single blow of his tail, sent a boat-load to the bottom of the ocean, because- they were deprived of half their reason and their strength by spirit. But recently there had come among them what were called temperance ships : ships destitute of alcohol; men that took care to keep out of the reach of a stroke of the tail ; and knew how to direct the harpoon with dreadful certainty. The poor Whales are fast disappearing before them, and "unless some means be taken to induce these ships to return to their old habits of drinking," said the "Whale, " my noble race will soon be gone. Would you hasten that woful day, by leading us to use that which has made such dreadful havoc among the human race ? Strange, that a Convention should have been called to deliberate whether its members shall commit suicide I" TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 53 THE BEAR'S SPEECH. A noble-looking American Bear, one of the secre- taries, next rose to follow out the thoughts suggested by the Whale. " I appeal/' said he, " to the patriot- ism of this assembly, to their love of liberty and life. Who are these animals called men, or, as they very modestly style themselves, homines sapientes? Mere puny upstarts of yesterday. They cannot trace back their ancestry more than 6000 years ; yet, according to our geological writers, animals began to exist not less than 570,000 years ago. And yet man has obtained possession of nearly all the earth, and its original and rightful owners have been driven into the rocks and fastnesses, and even there they have no rest. Many of our races are almost extinct. I am now advanced in life, and I have watched with deep anxiety the rapid wasting away of the different tribes. My own race, originally spread over the whole of the North American continent, now scarcely retains a few limited spots in the deepest recesses of the wilderness. There is only one single hope, that we shall not, all of us, in this Convention, be entirely eradicated, or converted into slaves, by the universal destroyer, man. That hope rests upon alcohol ; not upon its introduction among animals, but upon the fact that it is making dreadful 54 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL havoc among men. In the United States alone, it sweeps away not less than 100,000 every year, and at the same rate, it would destroy not less than 4,660,060 yearly, over all the globe, besides a gradual prostration of the race. I have watched the progress of this work of destruction for many years with the eye of a phi- losopher, and until recently, I felt sure that ultimately it must extinguish the race, and if we held on to cold water, we should at last regain our lost and rightful possessions. But alas ! a cloud has risen over our prospects. Men are beginning to come back to the example of animals, and many millions have pledged themselves to total abstinence from all intoxicating drinks. The work meets, indeed, with violent opposi- tion, and I am not without strong hope that this tem- perance reformation, as it is called, will be stopped : if it is not, then it is certainly a gone case with us. With what indignation then, ought this Convention to reject the proposition to introduce this destroying demon among all our tribes ! " It never could have been made except by those races who have vilely sold themselves as slaves to men, and having lost their own personal independence, they would gladly take away that of others. " Let us rather bring up all our tribes around that pure fountain which I see gushing forth beneath yonder TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 55 rock, and there make them swear eternal hostility to all that intoxicates, and eternal fidelity to that pure beverage which nature has so abundantly provided. " And were I to decide, I should say also, let them swear eternal hostility to everything human." SPEECHES BY THE COW, THE SWINE, AND THE DOG, FROM NEW YORK. A Cow next introduced herself to the assembly as an inhabitant of the city of New York, in America. She said, that as the rules of the Convention allowed her to to speak, she could not refrain from recommending, 56 HISTORY OP A ZOOLOGICAL from her own experience, one variety of substance resulting from the distillation of alcohol. It was called the slops of distilleries, and answered perfectly for food and drink. She had lived upon it for years, and found herself always plump and fleshy, as they now saw her; and besides, she was able to furnish twice the quantity of milk which any other mode of living would produce. She urged, therefore, the introduction of distillation among all the animals, as a means of rearing a greater number of young, and enjoying firmer health, and more vigorous constitutions. In conclusion, she felt con- strained to say, that the inhabitants of the city where she dwelt, were distinguished for the polish and ele- gance of their manners, and, therefore, it had probably been more painful to her, accustomed to such refined society, to witness in that Convention so many viola- tions of good breeding. She did not doubt that the use of alcoholic drinks would soon wear away this boorishness, and she did not believe anything else would. A Swine from the city of New York rose merely to confirm all that the lady had just stated. For he and thousands of his brethren had been fattened on the same delicious material, and he could not doubt but its effect had been most happy upon their manners, for it was well known that his race had long enjoyed the TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 57 freedom of the city, and a joint right with their biped fellow citizens, to occupy the sidewalks of Broadway. A cunning Dog, who belonged to a dentist in the same city, and who had heard his master state what terrible effects the slops of distilleries had produced upon the teeth of animals, stated to the Convention that the apparent good health of the two individuals who had just spoken was a delusion; and that, in fact, their constitutions were in a state of decay. Would any animal present doubt, that his constitution was in a wretched state, if his teeth were all decayed? This was the last part of cold-water animals that gave way. Yet if the Convention would indulge him in a simple experiment, he would prove to them that the Cow and the Swine were in this wretched condition. He, there- fore, moved that all the assembly be required to make a broad grin, and to show their teeth for the space of two minutes. THE GRINNING. The Cow immediately remonstrated, and declared that no gentleman of any breeding would ever require a lady to shoAV her teeth : but cries for the question drowned her voice, and the next moment, such fine, unbroken rows of white teeth shone around the assem- bly, as no human congregation could ever exhibit. But before the two minutes of grinning were ended, a titter 58 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL first, and then a broad laugh, burst from almost every animal, as they saw the unavailing efforts of the Cow and the Swine to hide the few stumps of teeth that alone remained in their jaws. The Cow attempted to apologize. She acknowledged that defective teeth were very common among men, and among animals that live like them. But this, she said, was of little importance to a race so fruitful in 'inventions as man. For there existed among them a very numerous class, who had the astonishing faculty of supplying the loss of teeth by new ones more elegant and durable than nature had provided. Indeed, she thought the time not distant when men would knock out their natural teeth, in order to be supplied with those from the mineral kingdom. Just before she started, she had obtained a complete set, but leaning one day over the side of the ship in which she sailed, they had dropped into the sea, and, there- fore, she had been subjected to the gross insult now put upon her. The Dog, by way of reparation for his insult, here stated to the Convention, that he had no doubt the Cows of New York, and other large American cities, were doing more to advance the interests of the wild animals, than any other class represented in that assem- bly. For his master, the dentist, had told him, that TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 61 in no other way were so many children destroyed, as by the use of their milk while feeding on slops. THE TIGER'S MOTION. The Tiger seized upon this statement, and moved a vote of thanks to the Cows of America, for their great success in destroying the human race; which passed by acclamation. He added, also, that he hoped other animals domesticated by man, would give in their tes- timony on the use of alcoholic drinks. THE OX RESPONDS. "I could detain this assembly," said the Ox, "through a whole moon, in detailing the cruelties which I and my brethren are suffering from our masters, when half delirious with alcohol. The only thing that enables us to bear it, is the thought, that this alcohol is shorten- ing the lives and ruining the families of our masters." THE HORSE GIVES TESTIMONY. " Our sufferings are still greater," exclaimed the Horse; "so great, that a few individuals have resorted, like men, to ale and wine to drown their troubles. But the almost entire race stand firm upon the cold- water mark. And we have a chance, now and then, of retorting upon our masters. When we find that they have been indulging in strong drinks, we make it a 62 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL rule to run away with them, and, if possible, to make an end of them, and of the vehicles which convey them. For no one, ever thinks of blaming a Horse for running away with a drunken man." THE CAMEL TESTIFIES. " If alcohol were needed anywhere to sustain ani- mals under heat and fatigue, we should need it," said the Camel, " who are compelled to wade with heavy burdens through the scorching sands of the desert. But give us only pure water once in a few days, and we wish nothing better. A few of us once tried the experiment, accidentally. ^We were fed upon dates TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 63 and water, which fermented in some of our many sto- machs, and for a few hours we fancied ourselves in Paradise, so light was our step and elastic our spirits. But in a few hours more, we were plunging into Tartarus, and at every step- seemed to be dragging a mountain. I shall never forget the horrors of the two subsequent days. I do not wonder that Infinite Wisdom com- manded the Nazarite, not only to abstain from wine, but even from moist grapes. So faithfully have we told our story and warned our fellows, that every Camel in Africa and Asia is now a Nazarite indeed."* * The curious statements respecting the intoxication of the Camel from the use of dates, which are referred to in the speech of that animal, are not fiction, but sober facts ; as the following extract from Dr. Oudney's "Narrative of Travels and Discoveries in Northern and Central Africa," will show. " Several of our camels are drunk to-day ; their eyes are heavy and want animation ; gait staggering, and every now and then falling, as a man in a state of intoxication. It arose from eating dates after drinking water ; these probably pass into the spirituous fermentation in the stomach." See " Desultory Notes on the Origin, Uses, and Effects of Ardent Spirits, by a Physician," p. 51. 64 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL THE OHIO SWINE. " My race have been traduced," cried a large, sleek Swine from Ohio, " by being represented, just now, as attached to alcoholic drinks. That may be the case with a few slop-fed renegades in the city of New York, of whom the gentleman who lately spoke is one. But the Swine in the country detest alcohol in every form. True, we are what is learnedly called omnivorous, that is, inclined to eat and drink almost everything offered to us, TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 65 and that with a tolerably good relish : therefore we have sometimes swallowed some salutary food mixed with alcohol ; as when we devoured cherries which had been soaked in ardent spirits, or had spirit mixed with our ordinary drink. But mark me ; never was a Swine, always excepting the New York slop-eaters, never was a Swine caught the second time : for after that, he always kept on the look-out for alcohol. Why, sir, I should give up the race, as hopelessly degenerate, did they not manifest the most unconquerable aversion to this poison. And oh, what dreadful sufferings are brought upon us by the use of alcohol among men ! Often have I known a tender mother, who had care- fully nursed a family of twelve little ones, deprived of them all in a single day, to be converted into what are called roasters for some carousal upon the Fourth of July, or at Thanksgiving. And then it has been customary to employ intemperate men to kill and dress us. We do not so much object to being killed, for that we ex- pect, after we have submitted to being fattened, and we have become so accustomed to it, that we hardly feel it. But we do object to being slaughtered by the blundering knife of a drunkard, and when eaten, we do object to being washed down by alcohol. Cannot this Convention obtain for us some redress from these grievances ?" 5 66 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL THE STRANGE VOICE. While the animals were thus giving in their testimony, a quick-eared Cat was observed to be watching by the side of a small pool of stagnant water, within the bounds of the assembly : and at length she declared that she saw the water distinctly agitated, and could hear a voice, though very feeble, coming out from the pool : ' Let us testify ! let us testify ! ' But in vain had she tried to dis- cover any animals in the water. The Convention ap- pointed a committee of the Lynx, the Eagle, and the Hawk, to try their microscopic eyes to learn the nature TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 67 of the mystery. The next day they made a report, which brought out facts most remarkable, and opened a field entirely new to the most sagacious and philosophic of the animals. The committee declared that they found the mysterious voice to proceed from an incredible num- ber of animals, too small to be seen by most eyes, yet as perfect as other animals. They were called animal- cula ; and even that puny pool, only two feet across it, contained a thousand times more in number than all the men and other animals on the globe. Nay, in one drop of water they counted 500,000,000. They had also ascertained beyond all question that these animal- cula swarm in water, in blood, in the air, all over the globe; and that all other animals shrank into perfect insignificance, as to numbers, when compared to these. They thought the Convention, by observing the utmost stillness and attention, might hear the remarks which the largest of the animalcula, called the Vine- gar-Eel, because he lived in that fluid, wished to make. It was amusing to see how they all bent forward, with ears erect, to listen to the stranger, and to see, espe- cially, the strong emotions depicted upon the face of the Lion, as he thus had evidence for the first time of in- numerable races subject to his dominion, whose exist- ence he had never suspected. 68 HISTORY OF A aOOLOQICAL THE VINEGAR-EEL ADDRESSES THE ASSEMBLY. * " Though, we have been so long unknown and ne- glected/' said the Vinegar-Eel, " we claim fellowship with this assembly, and submit ourselves to the autho- rity of your noble sovereign. We have heard with deep sympathy of the sufferings you have endured from the use of alcohol among men. But we can tell you a sadder tale. The particular tribe to which I belong, live chiefly in pure vinegar, and unless there be as many as 500,000,000 in a barrel, we hardly know that we have any neighbors. Now it is sometimes custo- mary to introduce into the vinegar barrel a glass of cider, containing a few drops of that deadly poison, alcohol. And that is sufficient to strike dead the 500,000,000 living moving beings found there. But this destruction is nothing compared with that which results from the drainage of distilleries, leading into ponds, where the animalcula swarm. It was calculated by some of our statistical writers, that in a single season the drainage of the breweries, into that perfect Paradise of animalcula, the pond on the hill in Albany, destroyed not less than 100,000 billions.* Oh, there * The pond on the hill in Albany became quite famous several years ago, in consequence of a prosecution commenced by the brewers of that city against Edward C. Delavan, Esq., TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 69 is no race of animals so sensible as we arc to the in- fluence of this poison ; and instead of enouraging its use among animals, we do pray this Convention, in its on account of the statements he had made, respecting their use of the water of said pond in their breweries. Around the pond were slaughter-houses, privies, a glue factory, heaps of manure, and burial-grounds, the drainage from which waa carried into the pond. It was also a place for the deposit of dead animals. It was stated by Mr. Delavan, that this water, thus redolent with filth, was extensively used by the brewers for making beer. They prosecuted him for libel, and laid their damages at $300,000. But Mr. rDelavan proved the -facts abundantly in court, and gained his cause. The "Brewer's Lament," a poem by Mr. Pierpont, will perpetuate this history and the triumphs of Mr. Delavan, over a most formidable array of wealth and influence. Those not familiar with the modern discoveries, especially those of Ehrenberg, respecting animalcula, or infusoria, will be disposed to regard the statements in the text as mere fancy and exaggeration. But these and many more facts no less marvellous are now regarded as the settled truths of science. Not less than 1000 species of these microscopic animals have been already described, varying in size, from the -Xth to __l__-th of an jnch in diameter. Of the smallest, eight millions would form a mass not larger than a mustard seed. Of their skeletons, found almost everywhere in the form of a white powder in our country, beneath peat bogs, it requires more than 40,000 millions to make a cubic inch. Yet small 70 HISTORY OP A ZOOLOGICAL wisdom, to devise some means to guard us against the dreadful evils we suffer from its use among men." THE WOLVES IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING. During one of its sittings, the Convention had been much startled by heavy groans proceeding from a copse of wood on one side of the place of meeting that had been devoted to the reception and entertainment of strangers. The Ostrich, one member of the committee of arrange- ments, was directed to inquire into the cause of those as they are, all the important organs of animals have been discovered in them, such as eyes, teeth, muscles, nerves, glands, stomachs, and organs of reproduction. The rapid- ity with which they multiply, is prodigious. The Hydatina senta increased in ten days to 1,000,000, in the eleventh day to 4,000,000, and on the twelfth, to 16,000,000. Ehrenberg says that another individual, the Closterium, may become in four days 170 billions, whose skeletons would make only two cubic feet of earth, like the polishing slate of Bilin. A single skeleton would not weigh more than the 187-millionth part of a grain. Some of these animals have been found living in snow, to which they impart a red colour, in the Alps and some other countries. When the snow melts, they die, because it becomes too warm, perhaps ! They are peculiarly susceptible to the influence of poisonous substances, such as alcohol. See PRITCHARD'S "Infusoria, Living and Fossil." London, 1841. TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 78 distressing sounds, and at this stage of the business he stepped forward to make his report. He stated that, in preparing for the Convention, the committee of arrangements had thought it desirable, since there would doubtless be many strangers present to witness the proceedings, who were not provided with food or lodgings, that a number of animals should be licensed to prepare burrows, lairs, and roosts, to be let for compensation. Forthwith there appeared a pack of Wolves and a flock of Sheep, both eager for the place of landlords. The committee could not hesitate to give the preference to the wool-bearing applicants, so proverbially kind and gentle. The Wolves went away snapping and growling in great fury ; and it now ap- peared that after the Sheep had fitted up several large establishments, as places of entertainment, several Wolves entered them as guests, and, watching their opportunity, slew the landlords, and wrapped their skins about themselves, and thus prevented all suspicion of their nefarious deed. They then prepared convenient ante-rooms in front of their establishments, and having hired a number of Rattlesnakes, they placed them in such a position in these ante-rooms, or bar-rooms, as they were called, that, as the guests entered, the first objects they met were the fascinating eyes of the Rattlesnakes, who were charged to exert themselves to 74 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL the utmost, first to charm the guests, and then to strike them with their deadly fangs. When the guests were well poisoned, they were stripped of everything valuable, and thrust out to die, unpitied. It was the dying groans of some of these animals that had lately fallen on the ears of the Con- vention. And on inquiry, it was found, that but few who entered these murderers' dens, were able to resist the sparkling eyes of the Snakes, or escaped their poi- sonous fangs, and he had been horror-stricken to find what a pile of carcasses lay on the back side of these establishments, some of which were called Taverns, others Hotels, and others, Gin-palaces. In those still conducted by the Sheep, he found the utmost order, quiet, and satisfaction among the guests. But he did not hesitate to summon a posse and arrest at once the Wolves in Sheep's clothing, arid bring them to the bar of the Convention for trial. THE SENTENCE " SKIN FOR SKIN." The culprits being introduced, the Attorney-General, a large Newfoundland Dog, who was familiar with courts among men, his master being an eminent lawyer^ was called on for his opinion. He said that the prison- ers at the bar had been guilty of a double crime : murder directly, and indirectly. And the latter crime : that of TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 75 destroying life by poison, seemed to him more heinous than the other. Nevertheless, he did not know of any statute that pointed out this crime exactly, or its punish- ment. But there was an ancient law, entitled, " Skin for skin," whose exact meaning he had never before understood. But now he saw it clearly. It applied to this case, and meant that when one animal skinned another, he should be skinned himself; and he now proposed that these Wolves should first have their skins stripped off, and then that the Sheep-skins which they wore should be fastened to them by a coat of tar. THE ALLIGATOR'S SPEECH AGAINST CAPITAL PUN- ISHMENT, AND IN FAVOR OF MORAL SUASION. This proposition was met by most of the Conven- tion with great applause. A few, however, dissented. Foremost among them was the same Alligator, that, on a former occasion, had taken sides with the Wolves and Hyaenas. He said he was as much opposed to wanton murder as any member of the Convention. But then he begged the members to recollect that these Wolves had been under strong temptation to destroy the Sheep, because supplanted by them. And, besides, after they had become proprietors of the hotels, they did not compel their guests to look at the Rattlesnakes' eyes. Having come into the place of the Sheep as 76 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL landlords, whether justly or unjustly, they were autho- rized by law to entertain guests, and to make their establishments as attractive as possible; and what could be more fascinating than a Rattlesnake's eyes ? And if their guests chose to look at them, and to come so near as to be bitten, how could the Wolves be blamed, since they made use of no compulsion, and, moreover, had families to support from their business ! But after all, the grand objection in the mind of the Alli- gator, to having the Wolves skinned, was, that it would probably occasion their death, and he could not bear the idea of capital punishment. His plan would be to try moral suasion with the Wolves, to see if they could not be reformed and induced to give up the Rattle- snakes, and then they would make excellent landlords, from their known energy of character. He thought an earnest appeal from that Convention would have a powerful effect upon animals so reasonable as Wolves, and thus would they be saved to the world, and the feelings of the Convention would not be shocked by the shedding of blood. REPLY TO THE ALLIGATOR'S SPEECH BY AN AMERICAN DEER. There was a great rush for the floor, in order to give a reply to the Alligator. It was finally yielded to a TEMPERANCE CONVENTION 7 . 77 noble-looking American deer, whose graceful legs and antlers made a most favorable impression. He was a good deal excited, however, and declared that he never thought to see the day when an Alligator's feel- ings would be wounded by the sight of capital pu- nishment, unless through fear that he should not be appointed executioner. " Why," said the Deer, " he lives by the most reckless murder every day : and we, who inhabit the same wilderness with him, are obliged 78 HISTORY OP A ZOOLOGICAL to keep on the look-out, or we should all be sacrificed : for his maw is never satisfied. I have seen the very individual who has addressed you devour a hundred trout at a meal, in one of the lakes of Florida, and for a dessert he took down one of my cousins who had gone to the edge of the water to drink. It is also a new idea, and yet quite appropriate, for the Alligator to endeavor to reform Wolves by moral suasion. He had heard men speak of a golden age, that was to visit the earth, which they called millenium; and when Wolves shall be changed into Lambs by means of moral suasion exerted by Alligators, he had no doubt a mil- lenium would visit animals." THE LEAN HORSE'S SPEECH. A very lean Horse here stepped forward and made one or two remarks. He said he had some doubt whether skinning the Wolves were a punishment severe enough for their crime. For among men it was thought but little of. Nay, the greater part of them spent most of their time in trying to fleece and skin one another. This was expected, for instance, almost as a matter of course, whea man appeared in a court of justice, either as accuser or defendant ; and he believed, if not misin- formed, that it was considered one of the perquisites TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 79 of office for those who conducted these cases in court, at least to fleece well those who employed them, whether successful or defeated. And in taking off the fleece, he was sure that they usually cut so close as to take some of the skin also, and he never knew a man come out of a law case whose back did not smart for it. He had himself been in the service of a man who, for several years, had a case in court, and his attorney had not only succeeded in shearing off his master's fleece and skin, but, by being himself kept most of the time on post-hay, he had lost almost everything but his skin, and some very sharp bones. However, he would not press this argu- ment. But, in order that the work should be done in good style upon the Wolves, he moved that the Blood- hounds, whom he saw present from Cuba, should be appointed executioners. THE BUFFALO OBJECTS. Upon this motion, an American Buffalo stepped for- ward and objected to it, on the ground that it savored of unnecessary cruelty. The Convention, as he under- stood it, had a regular executioner, viz., the Shark, whose sharp, dagger-like teeth were much better adapted to the process of skinning, than the blunt, tearing teeth of the Dogs. But, above all, he would not employ 80 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL the Blood-hounds, lest that Convention should be thought as cruel as the American government, who employed those very animals to hunt down Indians in the swamps of Florida. This argument was decisive, and the Wolves were forthwith driven away to a retired arm of the lake, where the Sharks were already sharpening their teeth for the execution. TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 81 THE GREAT OWL CHEERS THE CONVENTION BY HIS REMARKS. . The great Owl next introduced himself to the meet- ing by observing, that he thought the train of remark in that Convention had been much too desponding, in respect to the prospects of animals, and much too fear- ful respecting the progress of the temperance cause among men. He had travelled a great deal both in Europe and America, during the night; and his power of seeing in the dark had given him an opportunity to witness a great many scenes unnoticed by daylight travel- ers. Could they just watch the occurrences during a single night, in one of the splendid gin-palaces of Great Britain, or in some of the taverns, grog-shops, and groceries of America, and then remember how many hundred thousand of these are nightly open, they would see that intemperance is a mighty whirlpool, which is not to be stopped, or even perceptibly checked, by a few temperance lectures, and tracts, and pledges. Very probably, by checking the current a little, it will be made to whirl more violently, when it gets vent. His attention was called to those nightly resorts of alcohol- drinkers by the strange noises he heard there, which at first led him to suppose it a collection of his cousins, the Screech-Owls. At other times, he had mistaken 6 82 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL the inmates, as they staggered, and shouted, and roared towards their homes, for a roving party of Jackals or Hyaenas, who had been robbing a grave-yard. The Convention had no idea how common these scenes were among men. They had often annoyed him very much ; for, as he was out on his lawful calling, i. e., robbing hen-roosts, their noise had often kept old Chanticleer so wakeful, that he, the Owl, had to go back to his hole fasting. His attention had sometimes been directed to the TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 83 retired rooms of those, who, as he had been told, were wasting their lives in poring over the page of learning by the midnight lamp ; and, as. he looked in at the window (for Owls can see through blinds and curtains), he had sometimes discovered there an altar to Bacchus instead of Minerva, and it was reeking with alcoholic libations, and redolent with tobacco fumes; while the worshipers were poring over aces and spades, hearts and trumps, jacks, kings, and queens, instead of mathe- matical diagrams, philosophical theories, or Greek and Roman lore. He found, also, that he must have a new lexicon, in order to understand some of the signs which he saw over many establishments along the streets. The word " Grocery," he found, for instance, must often be understood to mean "Groggery;" "Hot Oys- ters," meant " Hot Sling," " Hot Toddy," and other "Hot" things; and " Soda Water," "Temperance Bit- ters," and " Temperance Beer," meant anything you choose to call for, except cold water. In a few instances, he had found these alcoholic dens in the basement story of a church; and a brother Owl, who accompanied him, and was a poet, could not resist the temptation, one night, to write upon the wall the following lines : There's a spirit above, and a spirit below, The spirit of love, and the spirit of woe ; Thfe spirit above is the spirit of love, The spirit below is the spirit of woe; 84 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL The spirit above is the Spirit Divine, The spirit below is the spirit of wine. Another facetious companion of his wrote one night upon the door of a retailer's shop, the following conun- drum : "If Satan should lose his tail, where must he go to get a new one?" Answer: "Where they Re- Tail spirits." " Upon the whole, so far as my nightly observations have extended," said the Owl, " the cause of intempe- rance among men is very promising, and, consequently, that of animals encouraging." THE HORSE FROM THE WASHINGTON RACES. An elegant Horse next announced himself to the assembly by loud neighing, and when he had se- cured their attention, he came prancing forward into the arena, splendidly caparisoned, as if just from the tournament. He obviously thought himself to be no common Horse, and seemed gratified when he was wel- comed by the mixed roaring, and braying, and squeal- ing of the Convention. He at once informed them that he was from the race-grounds at Washington, where he had recently been crowned as victor. He confessed himself not a little proud of the extraordinary TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 85 honors that were heaped upon him on that occasion. But he exulted in them, chiefly as affording evidence that animals were rising on the scale of existence, and that man was sinking. In the first place, he and his com- panions were treated for a long time with extraordinary care, and nourished with the choicest food, although not a particle of alcohol was offered them. He could not, for a long time, ascertain what was the object of all this attention. But at length he found, that the grand question was, whether he or his companions had the strongest and most active legs. So much more important than anything else, did the Congress of the United States regard this question, that they suspended all their appropriate business for a whole day, and flocked to the race-grounds to see it decided. Even the foreign ambassadors were there also ; and such a motley assembly of the high and the low, the rich and the poor, the bond and the free, the white and the black, he had never seen before, although a counter part to that group was exhibited in the Convention he had the honor of addressing. And indeed the shout- ing, and braying, and squealing, with which he had been just greeted, reminded him strongly of the clap- ping and the shouting which saluted him upon the race-ground, especially when he gained the victory. 86 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL From the President of the United States downward, all ranks, and all colors, united in making the welkin ring again in that proud moment. Indeed, he and his companions were evidently the magnates of that day : while grave senators, and talented representatives, the heads of the departments, and foreign dignitaries, paid to him a cordial obeisance; and he would just hint to that Convention, that probably the exclusive use of water, by himself and his companions, was the secret of their extraordinary success, on that [occasion. For if they had taken alcohol, and it had affected them as it did those who attended the races, instead of exhibiting feats of strength and agility, they would have been floundering in a slough, or quarreling with one another by the wayside.* In conclusion, the Horse expressed his determination to strive after still higher honors in the courses the next year; and really, he did not know of any higher honor which the delegated representatives of the people could confer upon him, unless they should propose him as a candidate for the presidency at the next election. * Those familiar -with the history of occurrences at Wash- ington, during the session of Congress, know very well that this speech of the Horse is an almost literal description of what has sometimes taken place there. The newspapers for several years past afford ample proof of this statement. TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 87 And as several Asses had been greatly encouraged, in former years, to aspire to that high office, he did not despair of ultimate success; since, as a Horse, he stood still higher on the scale of animals. A CROW ADDRESSES THE CONVENTION. A lean Crow next moved forward, announcing him- self to be from the vicinity of Baltimore, in America. He said that the ancients considered him as an unlucky and ominous bird, calling him Corvus Sinistra, and notwithstanding the remarks of his brethren, the Owl and the Horse, he could not but feel dejected, in view of the facts he had recently witnessed. Not long since, he had often observed, as he flew over the city of Bal- timore, some thousands of confirmed drunkards, and several of them were so nearly gone, that he and his companion Crows had kept their eyes upon them for a long time, expecting to find them dead in some ditch, where their bones might be picked. But a sudden change had come over them, and more than 2000 of them could not be distinguished, as they were seen in the streets, from the temperate citizens, and he had learned that this strange transformation had extended to thou- sands upon thousands in other parts of the land. If this work went on, as he feared it would, men would goon learn to be as temperate as other animals, and find HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL out the secret that has saved the other animals from extinction, viz., the use of pure water alone for drink. If man should rise to the level of other animals on this subject, that is, to the cold-water level, his superior means of destroying other races would soon annihilate them. THE WILD TURKEY MOUNTS THE ROSTRUM. After the Crow, the American Wild Turkey mounted the rostrum, and begged leave to make a few remarks. As the noble bird moved forward, in his peculiarly stately and dignified manner, he excited a good deal of attention among the animals of the Eastern Conti- nent ; and in some of the birds especially, it was easy to perceive the workings of envy. He introduced him- self as from Mount Holyoke in New England, and, with a melancholy air, declared that he was the last of his race. He remembered the time when a numerous tribe of the Turkey dwelt securely on that mountain. But they had suffered a most unrelenting persecution from man. And now, his single, small family was all that remained ; nor would it be by any means strange, if, on his return, he should find those dear objects of his affection all massacred. He had often been advised to emigrate. But he would not quit the land and the graves of his fathers : he had rather die there than to TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 89 live in other forests. Yet man had been encroaching more and more upon the retreats that sheltered him. These had been cut down and burned with fire, in many places, almost to the crest of the mountain. For a long time, he had had hope from only one quarter. He had noticed that when the farmer, who came to clear a new field, brought along with him alcoholic drinks (and he always knew this from the manner of his working), that field would very soon be covered again with a new forest. But when he saw the farmer stooping down to 90 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL slake his thirst at the cool spring, he knew that shrubs would not be suffered to grow there again. And he was satisfied that the number of this latter class was increasing ; although he knew several of the other class still living around the mountain. WASHINGTONIANS, AND COLD-WATER ARMIES. He had another fact still more startling to commu- nicate. Formerly, as he looked down into the sur- rounding villages, and observed various kinds of celebrations among men, such as the Fourth of July, Thanksgiving, and Political Meetings, Military Re- views, College Commencements, and Exhibitions, he had been gratified to see what vast quantities of alco- holic drinks were consumed, and what havoc of life and property ensued. But of late, such drinks were not tolerated ; and were sold and used only by stealth. And what was still worse, a large part of these public gatherings had now become, what are called " Temper- ance Celebrations." On these occasions, the Wash- ingtonians, as they were called, or reformed drunkards, such as had been described by his brother Crow, paraded the streets with banners flying, and, by cunning speakers, were roused to desperate hatred against all sorts of alcoholic drinks. Still further, he had witnessed numerous processions of children, embracing almost TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 91 all of that age, bearing banners aloft, inscribed with the appalling words, " COLD- WATER ARMY," words that sent a chill to his heart. For he learned that these armies were organized almost everywhere in the land, numbering hundreds of thousands : and that such children could not be prevailed upon to take any drink at all alcoholic, even upon the Fourth of July, nor at Reviews and Thanksgiving. Now he had placed more dependence upon these days for promoting intemperance and ruining man, than upon half the rest of the year. And he felt sure that if children should generally learn to drink nothing but water, alcohol would soon be driven from the land, and animals must give up the hope of expelling man from his usurped possessions. If drunkards reform, there is still some hope that they may go back again to their cups; and if moderate drinkers become abstinent, they too may be easily made to relapse. But if children are taught, as the young of other animals, to use only cold water, it would be as difficult to persuade them to drink alcohol, as it is to make other animals do it. MOUNT HOLYOKE FEMALE SEMINARY. The Turkey proceeded to state another fact ominous of evil, which he had noticed from his look-out on Holyoke. A large building had recently been erected 92 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL near its base, inhabited only by young ladies. And he had ascertained that, from month to month, their exclusive drink was only water, and this they used voluntarily, being at liberty to do it or not. Now these facts, said the Turkey, are ominous of evil to animals in a high degree, because they are ominous of good to man. For we find here the two great influences that control man, enlisted in favor of cold-water temperance, such as animals practise. The children, they control their parents ; and the young ladies, they control the rest of the world, that is, the young men. Indeed, things have got to such a pass, that parents dare not use alcohol, except out of sight of their children; and even then they are obliged to chew cinnamon, or cubebs, or calamus, or some other strong aromatic, to prevent being detected by their breath. And young men are obliged to drink alcohol, if they do it at all, only at midnight, and in some obscure cellar, or they cannot secure the hand of a respectable lady in mar- riage. The Turkey concluded by saying, that it was very unpleasant to state these facts. But he thought it his duty to let the Convention know the worst, before they attempted to devise a remedy. TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 93 THE GOLDEN EAGLE FROM IRELAND. The Golden Eagle from Ireland (Falco Chryssetos) said he had intended to be a mere listener, but the statements of his cousin Turkey had opened a deep fountain in his bosom ; because it reminded him of still more melancholy facts which he had witnessed in his native Ireland. Not long since the men of that country were proverbial for using alcohol, and, as a consequence, for quarreling, ignorance, and degradation. But how great and melancholy the change ! and brought about, 94 HISTORY OP A ZOOLOGICAL too, mainly by the influence and labours of one man. A certain reverend gentleman, whom he could not men- tion without indignation, had been parading through the country to pledge the community against alcohol. Thousands upon thousands, roused by a contagious enthusiasm, had flocked to his standard, until as many as four millions of the people had been marshaled into a Temperance Army. At first, the Eagle had supposed that it was a mere temporary excitement, which would be followed by a greater influx of intem- perance. But to his sorrow, he found that the larger part of the pledges had been kept month after month, and year after year. Now, should nothing be done to turn back the tide, and induce the Irish to return to their drinking usages, they would, ere long, become one of the most powerful and intelligent nations of Europe, and the wild animals would be driven entirely from the island. And he was satisfied, that so long as the hated priest, who had been the chief instrument of all this mischief, survived, there was little hope of any important reaction. Now he had learned just before leaving home, that Father Matthew, for such was the name of this temperance demagogue, was about to take a voyage to America. He, therefore, moved that the Whale, the Sword-fish, and the Shark, be ap- pointed a committee to proceed to the coast of Ireland, TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 95 to watch for his embarkation, and then to follow the vessel on its way, in the hope that an opportunity may be presented during the voyage, for the Whale to destroy the boats of the ship, should Father Matthew venture into one of them, or the Sword-fish to pierce her bottom, or for the Shark to seize him, should he venture to bathe in the ocean. The feelings of the Convention having been much excited by the three last speeches, this motion was adopted by acclamation, without considering the extreme improbability of accomplishing the object. The land animals of Ireland and America also received a strict injunction to make away, if possible, with one whose influence is so pernicious. The Whale, by spouting, the Sword-fish, by protruding his sword from the water, and the Shark, by flapping his tail, and extending his jaws, signified their acceptance of the commission with which they had been charged. THE PARROT ADDRESSES THE ASSEMBLY. An elegant Parrot, Miss Psittacus, flew to the ros- trum when the Eagle retired, and announced herself as a bird that had escaped from the aviary of a noble- man in England. She said, that being a proficient in the English language, and having for years been admit- ted to the most refined circles, she thought her testi- 96 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL mony might be relied on ; and, moreover, it was of a character to relieve the Convention from the desponding conclusions which a history of the progress of temper- ance in Ireland and America had produced. For they might rest assured that this cause in Eng- land had been treated very differently. Great efforts, indeed, had been made to make it nourish there. But only a few of the more respectable portion of the public had become converts. The nobility and clergy had no objection to having the lower classes adopt teetotalism ; and hence they would speak encouraging words to the advocates of this cause. But when the question came to them, whether they would themselves abstain from the wine-cup for the good of their neighbor, the de- mand was too great. And when away from the public ear, she had oftener heard the cause ridiculed than advocated; or else condemned as ultra and ascetic. Nay, even yet the wine-cup was kept in the vestry of the church, to regale the exhausted minister, and help him bear his responsibilities ; or take for his stomach's sake and often infirmities. In short, it was considered decidedly unfashionable and vulgar to adopt the pledge of total abstinence. On the continent of Europe it was still more so, as she had learnt from some of her sisters who had visited her from France, Italy, Ger- many, and Russia. So, even in the United States of TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 97 America, she had been assured that many of the fashionable and the wealthy still held on to the alco- holic glass in the social circle. It had been said by the Turkey that the two great influences that control men, children and ladies, were enlisted on the side of temperance. But here was an influence no less potent, viz. Fashion, at work too in all civilized countries, against temperance. And so long as that power stood its ground, let no one fear the final triumph of temper- ance among men. So long as the predominant influ- ence of England, the most powerful of all the nations on the globe, is in favor of alcohol, it will still be manu- factured and used. She had been often struck with the low state of patriotism and benevolence among the educated and refined classes in England, who shrink from the slight denial and sacrifice of abstinence from alcohol, although they might thus bring immense happi- ness to millions in the lower classes of society. But animals may well rejoice in man's selfishness, because they may be sure it will work for their good. So long as John Bull will indulge himself in brandy and wine, he may be sure that enough will follow his example in other nations, to keep the chains of intemperance upon the world riveted, and prevent man from acquiring a complete dominion over other, animals. 7 98 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL PROPOSAL TO INTRODUCE TOBACCO AMONG ANI- MALS. SPEECH OF THE LONG-ARMED APE. The Long- Armed Ape, Mr. Simia lar, here took the floor, and called attention to another substance in very common use among men, of which other animals knew nothing, save himself and a few others. He said it was somewhat allied to alcohol, and the two were almost always used by the same individuals in alternate order, so as to produce an agreeable variety. For the use of the one always sharpened the appetite for the other. The substance was called Tobacco ; a name which an in- genious friend of his, who was a good Greek scholar, had derived from the name of Bacchus, the god of wine. For in declining that name, according to the rules of the Greek grammar, it ran thus : Nominative, 'OBax^oj; Genitive, T Bax^s; Dative, T Bax^w. The literal meaning of which latter case, is, something offered to the person or thing spoken of : viz. in this case, as he understood it, tobacco means a certain weed dedicated to Bacchus, and it was truly a most accepta- ble offering; for scarcely nothing else promoted his cause so much. And next to alcohol it was a most charming substance. The exhilaration was not, indeed, quite as strong as from alcohol : but it continued longer, TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 101 and, indeed, a man might use it constantly, except when asleep, with the most agreeable results. THE APE INTRODUCES THE DANDY. Mr. Simia Lar here proceeded to describe the different forms in which this precious weed was prepared for use, viz. as snuff, and in the form of cigars, and in leaves and chunks for chewing and smoking. He had tried it in all ways, and with the most marked benefit. It always cured a cold and watery stomach, kept the teeth from decay, and the spirits from sinking. He had brought with him samples of this plant in all the states proper for use, and he Invited those around him to make a trial of it, so as to verify his statements. He here stated, that in order to show the animals how to use this substance in the most elegant manner, he had invited a friend of his, of the human family, and called among men a Buck or a Dandy, to accompany him to this Convention, whom he here introduced as a sample of the elegance of appearance and manners which the animals might hope to attain, if they only adopted the use of alcohol and tobacco. This gentle- man immediately opened his gold snuff-box, and passing it around, those animals which had long noses snuffed up not a little of the precious substance within. This produced such a sternutatory effect, as to throw the 102 HISTORY OP A ZOOLOGICAL snuff-taking animals into convulsions, and the others into extravagant laughter. THE DANDY AND THE APE SMOKE DAINTILY. " THE CONFLAGRATION. The Dandy next drew out some cigars, and giving one to the Ape, who had introduced him, invited him to smoke with him. After the exhibition of many airs, and taking a conspicuous position, they began to puff away, and several animals crowded around them to see the strange sight. Among these were the Cash- mere Goat, the Racoon, the Fox, the Sheep, the Os- trich, and the Condor. Ignorant entirely of the nature or effects of fire, they were not careful to avoid the sparks which were carelessly thrown off by the Dandy and the Ape. Falling among the fur and the feathers of the spectators, ere they were aware of it, a confla- gration sprang up, which spread most rapidly, and the burning animals, in their agony, were frisking and yell- ing in all directions, and thus the flames were spread on all sides, and few of the fur-bearing and feather- bearing animals escaped a singeing. One of those on fire, in his agony sprang into the water, and the others, observing how the fire was thus extinguished, followed his example. But the aquatic animals, supposing this rush into the water to be an attack upon them, retorted THE DANDY AND THE APE SMOKING DAINTILY. TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 105 with fury upon their supposed assailants, and they were driven out of the water as rapidly as they went in, and a laughable sight it was to see them singed and drip- ping as they went back to their seats in the Convention. Some of them, however, were in such agony that they could not suppress their groans, nor attend to the business of the Convention. Others, to whom the snuff had been given, and some, who had been chewing tobacco, lay wallowing in agony on the ground, and it seemed doubtful whether they would recover. THE ATTORNEY-GENERAL'S OPINION. As soon as the Lion could restore order, which was very difficult, he directed the authors of the disturbance to take their place at the bar of the Convention, and the Attorney-General, a large Newfoundland Dog, as already stated, was called upon to state his opinion of the case. He said, that it was unnecessary to prove that the Dandy and the Ape were the authors of the mischief, for they acknowledged it. The only question related to the penalty. Now he thought the Ape to be decidedly most guilty. For what could have been a grosser insult to that Convention, than to introduce 1 into it one of its most inveterate enemies ? And yet, the great resemblance between the Ape and the Dandy, as the assembly might see, might have led the former, 106 HISTORY OP A ZOOLOGICAL ignorant as he was, to suppose himself not blameable for bringing his cousin into an assemblage of all sorts of animals. And as to the Dandy, it might be pleaded in extenuation of his offence, that he was probably led on to this audacious act by the superior ability and cunning of the Ape. However, so gross an offence must not pass unpunished. And he had been examin- ing the laws of the empire to find one applicable to this case. He had at last fallen upon a statute with the title, Lex Singens, in other words, the singeing law. By this act, any criminal that had, either directly or indirectly, singed another, must himself also be singed. His judgment, therefore, was, that the Ape, being sus- pended by the fore-feet, should be well singed, and then drenched with water. Afterwards, he and the Dandy should be placed in the middle of the arena of the Convention, on the top of the rock which stands there, and both of them be required, during the re- mainder of the session, to smoke cigars, for the amusement of the members, while the Whale was directed every half hour to drench them thoroughly with a stream of water. THE DANDY SPEAKS. So consonant with the feelings of the Convention was this opinion, that the Dandy and the Ape in vain TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 107 attempted to obtain a hearing in arrest of judgment. The Dandy was heard in broken sentences to say, that among men it would be no disgrace to be obliged to smoke all the time, and in all places ; that in fact the most accomplished gentlemen were accustomed to do it when they walked the streets, and when they sat in the house ; before eating, to settle their stomachs ; and after eating, to settle their dinner; in time of health, to keep sickness away, and in time of sickness, to pre- vent contagion. And if other animals would only be persuaded to do the same, what an amount of happiness would be the result ! Instead of this, however, they were frightened by the first trial of. snuffing and chew- ing, because it produced sickness at the stomach, a thing which always took place among men, ere they were broken into the use of tobacco. But this incipient suffering was always fully made up to them by the subsequent pleasure, and, by contrast, it heightened the pleasure ; for the happiness did not end with tobacco ; since the use of this only paved the way for the still higher pleasure resulting from the use of alcohol. These two luxuries were naturally inseparable, and though some men did use the one without the other, they did violence to nature, and ere long, they usually yielded to her dictates, and found themselves amply repaid. Oh ! what a boon that Convention were thus 108 HISTORY OP A ZOOLOGICAL rudely rejecting ; and not only so, but offering gross insult to those who presented it to them, and were now going to inflict severe suffering upon his cousin, the Ape, for his benevolence. " But let not that noble ani- mal sink under his sufferings. May the consciousness of doing right sustain him as the flames kindle around him : and let him not forget, that his name will henceforth be enrolled among the martyrs who have suffered for the noble cause of tobacco, and by the per- secutions of the very individuals whom he would have benefited." THE APE ATTEMPTS TO SPEAK. Here the voice of disapprobation became so loud that the Dandy gave out. The Ape made an effort to speak, but the audience were still more impatient, in spite of all the efforts of the Lion to keep order. The Ape declared, that, as to his personal sufferings, he was comparatively indifferent : but he felt deeply in- dignant that such should be the reward of the disinter- ested zeal of his cousin, Homo sapiens, and warned the animals that the day was not distant, when they would bitterly rue their mean and detestable conduct towards an individual of a race so much superior to themselves as man ; and towards himself, who came sc THE APE AND THE DANDY SMOKING AS A PENALTY. TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. Ill near the human family in structure and habits as to place him next below man in dignity, and therefore above all other animals. This statement roused to despera- tion the members of the Convention, and they cried out for the execution of the sentence which had been unanimously pronounced upon the culprits. Accord- ingly the Giraffe seized the fore paws of the Ape, and twisting some willow boughs around them, he sus- pended the animal upon a tree, and then the Dandy was required to apply a lighted Lucifer match to his posteriors : when instantly he was enveloped in a flame which would have proved fatal, had not the Whale been ready to spout a whole barrel of water upon the victim. He soon recovered himself so much that he and the Dandy were perched upon the rock and compelled to puff* away upon their " long nines" the remainder of the session, while they were brayed at, and squealed at, and otherwise insulted, by the members of the Con- vention ; especially when they emerged from the tre- mendous shower-bath inflicted by the Whale : and thus ended the effort to introduce tobacco among the lower animals. To prevent any further effort of the like kind, one of the secretaries was directed to prepare a history of this transaction, to be published throughout all the dominions of King Leo. 112 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL PROPOSAL TO RAISE A STANDING ARMY. SPEECH OF THE PROBOSCIS MONKEY. Notwithstanding the ill success of the Ape, in hia proposal to introduce tobacco, the Proboscis Monkey (Simia nasalis) informed the Convention, that during his long sojourn among men, the thing that had most attracted his attention was their mode of conducting wars. And he had often thought the plan most desirable to introduce among other animals. Nature had but poorly provided man with the means of slaying his neighbor, or of defending himself against violence. But his ingenuity had more than made up for natural deficiencies. A certain portion of the community were selected and trained in the most scientific manner to the work of butchering one another. These were called Soldiers, or the Army, and their sole business was to defend the national honor, avenge insults, and wrench property and territory from their weaker neigh- bors. Ingenious instruments, called Swords, Dirks, Spears, Pistols, Gruns, Rifles, and Cannon, were put into the hands of these soldiers, and they were trained to their use, especially to that of a remarkable detonating compound called gunpowder, by which an enemy could be destroyed at a great distance and on a large scale. A soldier's sole business was to obey his supe- TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 113 riors, and never to inquire whether the cause for which he was to risk his life, were a good or a bad one, just or unjust. If the rulers declared that the national honor must be vindicated, or a neighboring nation must be chas- tised, or that they wanted more territory, the soldier must ask no questions for conscience' sake, but rush heroically into the thickest of the fight. If an indivi- dual among men, when insulted, should slay his antago- nist, he was regarded as a murderer, and he would be executed upon the gallows. Or if he were to slay an- other in order to seize upon his money, or his land, the same fate awaited him. But if the rulers of the nation judge that it is necessary to avenge the national honor by shedding blood, or to take more territory from their neighbor, it was no longer a crime, but honorable war- fare ; and the soldier might kill and plunder with a good conscience; nay, if he did not obey orders to this effect, if he ever suffered his conscience to keep him back from bloodshed, his own life would be for- feited for disobedience of orders. So that an army was a most convenient means of getting rid of all questions about right and wrong, justice and injustice. The grand inquiry was, with a nation, not whether it had right, and justice, and Providence on its side, but whether it had the strongest army. 8 114 HISTORY OP A ZOOLOGICAL THE POLAR BEAR INTERRUPTS THE MONKEY. The great White Polar Bear ( Ursus maritimus), here interrupted the Monkey, by inquiring indignantly whether he supposed such abominable sentiments would ever be received in that Convention, or by the wild animals anywhere. Could the animal be found, with a natural conscience so seared by intercourse with men, as to band with its fellows for the destruction of others of its own species ? Especially, where is the animal that would ever submit to become a soldier, if he must give up the right to use his own conscience, and follow the commands of a superior, it may be of one who has no conscience ? If ever an army is formed among animals, Mr. Simia Nasalis may be assured that they will never give up the right of judging for themselves when and whom to attack, and whether a cause for which they are called upon to risk their lives, be a good or a bad one. The Monkey replied that he could not justify, in a moral point of view, some of the principles by which armies were regulated among men. But from the much more delicate sense of right and wrong that ex- isted among other animals, every error of this kind would be avoided in drawing up regulations for the army which they might raise. He still thought such TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 115 an army would be of great service in defending them against enemies, especially man, whose advantage over the animals resulted mainly from his use of fire-arms. It would also be of great service to King Leo, in re- pressing insurrections, and preventing private quarrels and bloodshed between individuals, now so alarmingly prevalent, and so disgraceful. But it was the glory connected with military achievements, the exalted honors that were awarded to the surviving hero, that seemed to him their crowning excellence : and as to those who died in battle, " dulce et decorum est pro patria mori." Oh it was animating enough to make any one willing to die, to be clad in the habiliments of the warrior, and to go forth with marshaled thousands under the sound of the trumpet and the drum, and the roar of artillery. Could that Convention witness one such scene, or even one military review among men, (hey would need no argument of his to lead them to raise at once a powerful army, and thus secure the future triumphs of animals over all their enemies. In order to give some idea to the Convention of the bril- liant attractions of the military costume and appearance of soldiers, the Monkey said he had hired a few dresses and guns from some of his human friends, and he knew that several of his own brethren, who were present, were ready to put them on and perform a few mano3u- 116 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL vres, if the Convention would allow it. He himself would act the part of an officer, putting on the mili- tary dress, and directing the movements of his brethren, who would act as common soldiers. SPEECH OF THE AFRICAN ANT. The great White African Ant (Termes bellicosus), who was present, manifested great indignation and contempt for this speech of the Monkey. "He haa talked to us," said the Ant, "just as if we were all ignorant of the mode of defence by a disciplined body of soldiers ; whereas, in fact, men learned this very art TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 117 from the other animals. The various tribes or nations of Ants, for they are far more numerous than the nations of men, had, for thousands of years before man's creation, armies more numerous and better disci- plined than any that man has ever organized. And the history of the wars of the Ants, well known at least among all their tribes, showed that in military skill and prowess, and in the extent of their conquests, man was only their humble and most clumsy imitator.* *The wars of the Ants are as remarkable events as can be found in the annals of natural history. The statements which follow, can be relied on as true, being given on the authority of Kirby and Spence, who are distinguished entomologists. " This angry people," say these authors, " so well armed and so courageous, we may readily imagine, are not always at peace with their neighbors. To these little bustling creatures a square foot of earth is a territory worth contend- ing for ; their droves of Aphides, equally valuable with the flocks and herds that cover our plains ; and the body of a fly, or a beetle, or a cargo of straws and bits of sticks, an acquisition as important as the treasures of a Lima fleet to our seamen. But I must first observe, that the only warriors amongst our Ants, are the neuters or workers ; the males and females being very peaceable creatures, and always glad to get out of harm's way. " The wars of the Red Ant (Myrmica rubra) are usually between a small number of the citizens; and the object, according to Gould, is to get rid of a useless member of the 118 HISTORY OP A ZOOLOGICAL Yet we are now exhorted to go to man to learn the military art. Rather let man come to them and ac- knowledge his inferiority. The speaker said, that he community. ' The red colonies,' says this author, ' are the only ones I could ever observe to feed upon their own species. You may frequently discover a party of from five or six to twenty, surrounding one of their own kind, or even frater- nity, and pulling it to pieces. The Ant they attack, is generally feeble and of a languid complexion.' " The wars of Ants that are not of the same species, take place usually between those that differ in size ; and the great endeavoring to oppress the small, are nevertheless often outnumbered by them and defeated. "But if you would see more numerous armies engaged, and survey war in all its forms, you must witness the combats of Ants of the same species ; you must go into the woods where the Hill- Ant of Gould (Formica rufa) erects its habita- tions, there you will sometimes behold populous and rival cities, like Rome and Carthage, as if they had vowed each other's destruction, pouring forth their myriads by the various roads, that like rays diverge on all sides from their respective metropolises, to decide by an appeal to arms the fate of their little world. " Figure to yourself two of these cities, equal in size and population, and situated about a hundred paces from each other ; observe their countless numbers, equal to the popu- lation of two mighty empires. The whole space which se- parates them, for the breadth of twenty-four inches, appears alive with prodigious crowds of their inhabitants. The TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 119 himself belonged to the class of soldiers in his tribe, the most renowned of all the Ants, and in fact the owners of the region on which the Convention were assembled : armies meet midway between their respective habitations, and then join battle. Thousands of champions, mounted on more elevated spots, engage in single combat, and seize each other with their powei'ful jaws ; a still greater number are engaged on both sides in taking prisoners, which make vain efforts to escape, conscious of the cruel fate which awaits them, when arrived at the hostile formicary. The spot where the battle rages most is about two or three square feet in dimensions : a penetrating odor exhales on all sides, numbers of Ants are here lying dead covered with venom, others, composing groups and chains, are hooked together by their legs or jaws, and drag each other alternately in contrary directions. These groups are formed gradually. At first a pair of combatants seize each other, and rearing upon their hind legs, mutually spit their acid (poison) ; then closing, they fall and wrestle in the dust. Again recovering their feet, each endeavors to drag off his antagonist. If their strength be equal, they remain immoveable, till the arrival of a third gives one the advantage. Both, however, are often succored at the same time, and the battle still continues undecided, others take part on each side, till chains are formed of six, eight, or sometimes ten, all hooked together and struggling pertinaciously for the mastery ; the equilibrium remains unbroken, till a number of champions from the same nest arriving, at once compel them to let go their hold, and the single combats recommence. At the 120 HISTORY OP A ZOOLOGICAL and he could show many a scar made in deadly com- bat. If, therefore, the Convention wished to see real soldiers, fitted by nature for a battle on scientific prin- approach of night, each party gradually retreats to its own city ; but before the following dawn the combat is renewed with redoubled fury, and occupies a greater extent of ground. These daily fights continue, till violent rains separating the combatants, they forget their quarrel and peace is restored. "Such is the account given by Mr. Huber of a battle he witnessed. In these engagements, he observes, their fury is so wrought up, that nothing can divert them from their purpose. Though he was close to them, examining their pro- ceedings, they paid not the least attention to him, being absorbed by one sole object, that of finding an enemy to attack. What is most wonderful in this history, is, that though all are of the same make, color, and scent, every Ant seemed to know those of his own party ; and if by mistake one was attacked, it was immediately discovered by the assailant, and caresses succeeded to blows. Though nil was fury and carnage between the two nests, on the other side the paths were full of Ants going to and fro on the ordinary business of the society, as in a time of peace; and the whole formicary exhibited an appearance of order and tranquillity, except that on the quarter leading to the field of battle, crowds might always be seen, either marching to rein- force the army of their compatriots, or returning home with the prisoners they had taken, which it is to be feared are the devoted victims of a cannibal feast." KJKBY & SPENCE'S Entomology, Vol. 2, p. 69-72. TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 123 ciples, let them go with him a few rods, and make an attack upon a magnificent encampment of the Termes bellicosus, and not be humbugged by a miserable Monkey putting on the gew-gaws and performing the sham and clumsy manoeuvres of man. THE MILITARY PARADE. The Convention applauded this speech; but being in a mood to be amused at the expense of the Simia family, they gave permission for the exhibition pro- posed by Simia Nasalis, and the Zebra also consented to allow the Monkey to mount him with bridle and saddle, and accoutred with Chapeau bras on his head, a military coat on his back, epaulettes on his shoulders, and a sword by his side. To one of his sol- diers he attached a drum, and to another a trumpet, and gave to the rest a gun, and placed a military cap upon their heads. His cousin, /Simia liamadryas, or the Dog-faced Baboon, consented to act as a chaplain. The exhibition attracted great attention, especially when the drum was beaten with stirring sound, and the trumpet gave forth its deafening blasts. The Zebra, a little startled, pranced about in a very lively manner, when his rider, elated by the attention he received, gave an unexpected command to the soldiers to fire their pieces. 124 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL Unaccustomed to this service, every one of the squad of soldiers was knocked over by the rebound of the muskets; while the Zebra, by a sudden spring and kick, threw his rider high into the air, knocked off his chapeau, and he was tumbled head foremost into a dirty pond of water. As he crawled out from thence, a sagacious Dog from Europe, who had often seen mi- litary reviews, moved, that Mr. Simia Nasalis be appointed Captain-General of King Leo's forces, and be declared heir apparent to the throne. "While this reso- lution was being put to vote, Captain Simia and his soldiers, with the chaplain, were seen sneaking off upou all fours to the nearest thicket, while the air rung with shouts and hisses, lowing and braying, squealing and croaking, and every other noise by which animals can express ridicule and contempt. None of the army were seen afterwards in the Convention. THE RUFESCENT ANT PROPOSES TO INTRODUCE AND EXTEND SLAVERY. The Formica rufescens, or Rufescent Ant, cousin to the Termites bellicosus, came forward, and, with as much noise and pomposity as his diminutive size enabled him to exhibit, expressed his confidence, that in respect to one or two customs, his race were far in advance of all the other animals ; and he had long wondered why TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 127 the other tribes had not followed their example. He referred to the domestic institution of slavery, and the keeping of cattle, or rather cows, to furnish milk. As yet he knew of no race, save that of his own and of his cousin Formica sanguined, which had adopted these peculiar institutions. True, man had attempted to employ them, but he had done it, as we might expect, in so wretched a manner, as to prejudice even most of the human species, especially against slavery, and produce little else than suffering. But the Ants took the whole work into their own hands.* True, *Kirby and Spence, having presented the preceding graphic description of the wars of the Ants, proceed to give us a yet more extraordinary account. "Having, I apprehend," says one of them, "satiated you with the fury and carnage of Myrmidonian wars, I shall next bring forward a scene still more astonishing, which at first, perhaps, you will be disposed to regard as the mere illusion of a lively imagination. What will you say, when I tell you that certain Ants are affirmed to sally forth from their nests on predatory expeditions, for the singular purpose of procuring slaves to employ in their domestic business, and that these Ants are a ruddy race, while the slaves them- selves are black ? I think I see you here throw down my letter and exclaim, ' What ! Ants turned slave-dealers ! ! ! This is a fact so extraordinary and improbable, and so out of the usual course of nature, that nothing but the most power- ful and convincing evidence shall induce me to believe it.' la 128 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL the act of kidnapping the slaves produced some tran- sient suffering : because it was necessary to kill most of the parents, in order to secure their offspring. But this I perfectly approve your caution," &c. The writer then proceeds to give the account, which Huber has left us, of this singular phenomenon. " There are two species of Ants which engage in these excursions, Formica rufescens and formica sanguinea, (Latr.) But they do not, like the African kings, make slaves of adults, their sole object being to carry off the helpless infanta of the colony, which they attack, that is, the larvae and pupaa, these they educate in their own nests till they arrive at their perfect state, when they undertake all .the business of the society. " Their time of sallying forth on these expeditions, is from two in the afternoon till five ; the weather, however, must be fine, and the thermometer must stand above 36 in the shade. Previously to marching, there is reason to think that they send out scouts to explore the vicinity ; upon whose return they emerge from their subterranean city, directing their coxirse to the quarter from which the scouts came. They have various preparatory signals, such as pushing each other with the mandibles or forehead, or playing with the antenna); the object of which is probably to excite their martial ardor, to give the word for marching, or to indicate the route they are to take. The advanced guard usually consists of eight or ten Ants ; but no sooner do these get beyond the rest, than they move back, wheeling round in a semicircle, and moving with the main body, while others TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 129 the offspring, being taken before they were born into the imago state, never knew whence they came, and could be easily brought up as slaves, and never regarded succeed to their stations. They have no ' captain, overseer, or ruler,' as Solomon observes, their army being composed entirely of neuters, -without a single female ; thus all in their turns take their place at the head, and then, retreating towards the rear, make room for others. " When, winding through the grass of a meadow, they have proceeded to thirty feet or more from their own habitation, they disperse ; and, like dogs with their noses, explore the ground with their antennae to detect the traces of the game they are pursuing. The negro formicary, the object of their search, is soon discovered; some of the inhabitants are usually keeping guard at the avenues, which dart upon the foremost of their assailants with inconceivable fury. The alarm increasing, crowds of its swarthy inhabitants rush forth from every apartment ; but their valor is exerted in vain ; for the besiegers, precipitating themselves upon them, by the ardor of their attack compel them to retreat within, and seek shelter in the lowest story ; great numbers entering with them at the gates, while others with their mandibles make a breach in the walls, through which the victorious army marches into the besieged city. In a few minutes, by the same passages, they as hastily evacuate it, each carrying off in its mouth a larva or pupa which it has seized in spite of its unhappy guardians." Having given several other accounts of similar expeditions to obtain slaves from what he calls the Miner Ant, the author 130 HISTORY OP A ZOOLOGICAL it as any hardship to take the entire care of their masters : nay, they were exceedingly attached to their masters, and were among the happiest of animals. Now speaks of the condition and occupation of the slaves. " They suffer," he says, "no diminution of happiness, and are exposed to no unusual hardships and oppressions in conse- quence of being transplanted into a foreign nest. They build or repair the common dwelling ; they make excursions to col- lect food ; they attend upon the females, and they pay the necessary attention to the daily sunning of the eggs, larvse and pupae. Besides this, they have also to feed their masters, and to carry them about the nest. " But, you will here ask, perhaps, ' Do the masters take no part in these domestic employments ? At least, surely, they direct the slaves, and see that they keep to their work. No such thing, I assure you ; the sole motive of their pre- datory excursions, seems to be mere laziness and hatred of labor. Active and intrepid as they are in the field, at all other times they are the most helpless animals that can be imagined ; unwilling to feed themselves, or even to walk : their indolence exceeds that of the sloth itself. So entirely dependent, indeed, are they upon their negroes for everything, that upon some occasions the latter seem to be the masters, and exercise a kind of authority over them. To ascertain what the masters would do when obliged to trust to their own exertions, Huber shut up thirty of the rufescent Ants in a glazed box, supplying them with larvae and pupae of their own kind, with the addition of several negro pupae, exclud- ing very carefully all their slaves, and placing some honey TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 131 did the other animals know how pleasant it was to have every wish anticipated by waiting slaves, who even provided all their food and put it into their mouths, and carried about their masters on their shoulders ; did stronger species know how pleasant it is to lead a life of elegant leisure, and have abundant time for cultivating literature and science, and the polite arts, they would not hesitate a moment to take possession of some inferior species and convert them into slaves. He would not, indeed, recommend that they should kidnap adults, as man does : that would be too savage. But let them seize upon the young before they know their in a corner of their prison. Incredible as it may seem, they made no attempt to feed themselves : and though at first they paid some attention to their larvae, carrying them here and there, as if too great a charge they soon laid them down again ; most of them died of hunger in less than two days, and the few that remained alive appeared extremely weak and languid. At length, commiserating their condition, he admitted a single negro : and this little active creature by itself re-established order, made a cell in the earth, col- lected the larvae and placed them in it, assisted the pupae that were ready to be developed, and preserved the life of the neuter rufescents that still survived. What a picture of beneficent industry, contrasted with the baleful effects of sloth, does this interesting anecdote afford!" KIRBY & SPENCE'S Entomology, Vol. 2, p. 75 to 86. 132 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL parents, and then, although it would generally be necessary to massacre the parents, yet that would be more than made up to the children, who would thus be introduced into better society, and be more happy than their parents could ever make them. Mr. Formica rufescens added, that the Convention might see how much better provided for he was on the present occasion, than themselves. For he was attended by a large retinue of slaves, who procured his food, and took the entire charge of his kitchen and ward- robe. "Whereas he saw that all the other animals were obliged to take care of themselves. Did they belong to the race of Ants, such menial services, performed by themselves, would exclude them from good society, and it really did seem entirely unbecoming, for the Chair, man of this meeting, and the Secretaries, and other seemingly noble animals, to be seen after the adjourn- ment of the Convention, cooking their own dinners, and attending to other mean offices. Why then should not the Convention resolve to introduce this peculiar insti- tution through the whole animal kingdom, so as to promote the comfort of the masters and the happiness of the slaves ? Some species, he did not believe were capable of taking care of themselves, and would be far better off, if made servants to the more powerful and intellectual species. It was amazing to him that the TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 133 system had not spread wider and faster. lie thought, however, as animals became more enlightened and refined, they must inevitably adopt it. As to the other point, to which the speaker had referred, he supposed all the Convention knew that Ants were in the habit, besides these slaves, of having in their possession vast herds of Aphides, from which they procured daily a large quantity of milk, of a very delicious quality.* This was another of the advantages *From the same authors (Kirby and Spence) we quote a few sentences respecting the milch cattle, kept by the Ants. " Unparalleled and unique in the animal kingdom, as this history (of slavery) may appear, you will scarcely deem the next I have to relate, less singular and less worthy of admi- ration. That Ants should have their milch cattle as well as slaves, is as extraordinary as that they should have slaves. Here perhaps you may again feel a fit of incredulity shake you ; but the evidence for the fact I am now stating, being very satisfactory, I flatter myself it will not shake you long. " The loves of the Ants and the Aphides (for these last are the kine in question) have long been celebrated ; and that there is a connexion between them you may at any time, in the proper season, convince yourself; for you will always find the former very busy on the trees and plants on which the latter abound, and if you examine more closely, you will discover that their object in thus attending upon them, is to obtain the saccharine fluid, which may well be denom'nated their milk, which they secrete. 134 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL resulting from slavery ; for that system led them to look for subsistence to inferior animals ; and he had no doubt but nature intended that the strong and the wise " This fluid, which is scarcely inferior to honey in sweet- ness, issues in limpid drops from the abdomen of these insects, not only by the ordinary passage, but also by two aetifonn tubes placed, one on each side, just above it. When no Ants attend them, by a certain jerk of the body, which takes place at regular intervals, they ejaculate it to a distance; but when the Ants are at hand, watching the moment when the Aphides emit their fluid, they seize and suck it down im- mediately. This, however, is the least of their talents, for they absolutely possess the art of making them yield it at their pleasure ; or in other words, of milking them. On this occasion their antennae are their fingers: with these they pat the abdomen of the Aphis on each side alternately, mov- ing them very briskly, a little drop of fluid immediately appears, which the Ant takes into its mouth. When it has thus milked one, it proceeds to another, and so on, till being satiated it returns to the nest. " But you are not arrived at the most singular part of this history, that Ants make a property of these cows, for the possession of which they contend with great earnestness, and use every means to keep them to themselves. Sometimes they seem to claim a right to the Aphides that inhabit the branches of a tree or the stalks of a plant, and if stranger Ants attempt to share their treasure with them, they en- deavor to drive them away, and may be seen running about in a great bustle, a'nd exhibiting every symptom of inquietude TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 135 should thug compel the weaker and less important animals to sustain them. Why all the more powerful animals did not adopt so reasonable and convenient a principle, he could not conceive. And yet man alone had taken it for his guide. Even among that sagacious race, there were many fanatics, who exclaimed against it. But if human society ever reached a state of per- fection, this custom would become universal. The Red Ant, Formica sanguinea, addressed the Convention in support of the views of his cousin ; but as he advanced no new thoughts, they need not be re- peated. A large part of the animals were amazed by the dis- closures made by these two speakers. They had heard of slavery among men, both of Africans and quad- rupeds. But they were filled with horror at the thought, that a similar system existed among their own races, and especially at the idea that man learnt it from the other animals. They had a suspicion that and anger. Sometimes, to rescue them from their rivals, they take their Aphides in their mouths. They generally keep guard around them, and, when the herd is conveniently situated, they enclose it in a tube of earth or other materials, and thus confine them in a kind of paddock near their nest, and often communicating with it. KIRBY & SPENCE'S En~ tomology, Vol. 2, p. 88. 136 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL the two Mr. Formicas might be deranged, and there was a general call for the Great Ant-Eater, Mr. Myr- micopTiaga jubata, whose life had been spent among Ants, to give testimony on the subject. gentleman responded as follows : SPEECH OF THE GREAT ANT-EATER. " May it please your Majesty, and Gentlemen of the Convention ! " You will perceive that my tongue is better adapted for catching Ants, than for oratory. And since my life depends upon them, you may suppose me to have a strong prejudice in their favor. But I can assure you that I relish their bodies much better than I do their habits. Indeed, so abominably cruel are their customs, and ferocious their whole natures, that I feel TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 137 no compunctions of conscience in killing as many of them as possible. It is true that they possess a count- less number of slaves, and that kidnapping is about all the labor they ever perform, save the milking of their cows, who dare not resist. In taking their slaves, they wage a war of extermination against other unof- fending species, and the slaughter is often terrific. The war spirit, which is thus engendered, causes them to be almost constantly in conflict with one another ; con- tending sometimes for the body of a beetle, or a fly, or a straw, or bit of mud, and sometimes for territory that lies between them ; nay, sometimes for some point of honor, or some fancied insult. These ferocious wars lead to a still more horrid custom, that of pismire can- nibalism, which almost always forms the chief relish of the feasts that succeed a successful campaign. Even when there is no foreign war, being always armed, they commence fighting one another, in what are called duels. I regard even this better, however, than the laziness and dissipation which result from being waited upon, and fed and carried about, by a multitude of slaves. In fact, although called masters, they become perfect slaves, and were not the latter the most amiable and harmless of all animals, they would soon clear the formicaries of all the slave-holders. The two last speakers had intimated, that as the masters were naturally armed, 138 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL and had the power to fight, and the disposition, it was evidence that the Creator intended them to be kidnap- pers and slave-holders. But I will not waste time in attempting to prove to this Convention, that the Author of the Universe never created animals of any sort for the purpose of making them kidnappers, slave-holders, unmerciful warriors, ferocious duelists, barbarous can- nibals, or idle, proud, licentious gluttons and revelers. And such were these two species of Ants ; that is, of the masters among them. If you regard the Creator as the Author of any of these customs and feelings, you must charge the whole upon him. But the sup- position was a monstrous one, shocking to the feelings of every unsophisticated animal. I would rather charge the origin of all these abominations to man. But on that point I call on the Attorney-General to testify. I merely add, that, in my opinion, one reason why the Ants have been given up to such abominable customs and feelings, is, that myself and my Myrmi- cophagian brethren might devour them without reluc- tance and with good relish." FONS ET OEIGO MALI. The Attorney-General (a Newfoundland Dog,) said that he used to attend frequently with his master, what was called a Church among men, where the Clergyman TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 139 (an order of men unknown among animals, and unne- cessa^y except for a wicked and fallen race,) used to read often from a work called the Bible, sent from God. This gave an account of the origin of man, and how he violated the commands of his Maker, and as a consequence, how God cast him out of Paradise, and gave him up to all manner of wickedness and conse- quent suffering. The curse also extended to other animals, and even to the earth itself. Here then was the fruitful source of all the misery endured by animals. Nay, even those created before the apostacy of man, were made with organs and dispositions adapted to a fallen and dying world; because God foresaw that man would convert the earth into a hotbed of vice and misery, and make it one vast slaughter-house. It was man who first set the example of war, slavery, dueling, assassination, and every other crime ; and animals have been compelled to tread in his steps. If, therefore, man could be subdued and exterminated by the other animals, he did not doubt that their restoration to purity and happiness would be the consequence. He was amazed, however, that any species should dare to propose to the high-born freemen in that Convention, to introduce slavery as a wise and benevolent institu- tion, when even among men it was limited to a few millions, frowned upon and assailed by all the rest, 140 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL and acknowledged to be ruinous and unjust even by those who practised it. How shameful, therefore, that in a Convention of the lower animals, confessedly so much more pure in their feelings and strong in defence of freedom, slave-holders should dare to appear ! He moved, therefore, that all such should be at once ex- pelled from the assembly, and that the Great Ant-Eater execute the sentence. Nearly the whole assembly were all on fire by the remarks that had been made, and the motion was passed by a simultaneous and tremendous shout. Equally ready was the Ant-Eater to carry it into execution. It being, however, about the hour of dinner, he very easily persuaded himself that he was at liberty to dispose of the Ants as he pleased, and with one sweep of his long tongue, he gathered them all into his capacious stomach. So strong, however, were the feelings of indignation in the assembly against the Ants, that the Ant-Eater was suffered to escape un- punished ; and thus were the Convention, both by the expulsion and extermination of the Ants, guilty of the same remorseless cruelty which they so fiercely denounced in others. And were this the proper place, it might be said not unfrequently to Conventions called by Homo sapiens, Nomine mutato, de te f alula narratur. TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 141 THE ASS PROPOSES TO INTRODUCE HONORARY TITLES AMONG ANIMALS. Mr. Equus Asinus succeeded, at this stage of the busi- ness of the Convention, in gaining their attention to a subject they had probably never heard of. He told them them that among men it was quite customary to confer honorary titles upon those who had distinguished themselves in any way ; and also upon some, who, as it seemed to him, had not distinguished themselves much. These honors were of three kinds : civil, mili- tary, and literary. The two first were mainly bestowed by the government ; the latter by Literary Institutions. Men considered it a high honor and gratification to receive these distinctions, and to be greeted as Gene- ral, Colonel, Captain, Honorable, Reverend, Doctor, Esquire, &c., and he could not doubt but it would be equally pleasant and useful to other animals. The only difficulty would be in discriminating the indivi- duals who were most deserving. He found, upon inquiry among men, that rulers and guardians of Literary Institutions dispensed these honors to four classes of persons : First, to those who deserved them very much by eminent services; Secondly, to those who wanted them very much; Thirdly, to those whose enmity was very much feared, or whose friendship was 142 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL very much desired ; and, Fourthly, to those who needed such honors very much to supply natural deficiencies. He had sometimes thought, from the great number of titles which he had met among men, that these four classes embraced about all of the community. But he trusted that other animals would be more discriminating in their selection. In conclusion, he said he hoped it would not be deemed improper for him to say, that should this plan be adopted, since he had proposed it, he should hope that among the four classes mentioned above, would be found somewhere the name of Equus Asinus. If the Convention felt any delicacy in discuss- ing his claims while he was present, he would gladly withdraw for a time. The Ass, supposing the Convention as deeply inter- ested as himself in the question, whether he should receive an honorary title, was hurrying away, when the Lion informed him that the members were too well acquainted with 'his great merits to need any discus- sion. The Convention, happening to be pleased with the Ass's proposition, requested King Leo, after con- sulting with such counsel as he should choose, to con- fer a number of civil, military, and literary titles, according to the four rules that had been mentioned. Near the close of the session, the King's Private Sec- retary, a graceful Antelope from South Africa, presented TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 143 the following official announcements. The document is so curious, that we give it in the original. BULLETIN CONFERRING CIVIL, MILITARY, AND LITERARY HONORS. Publice notum sit, ut ego Leo CXXV., Rex Ani- malium, cum Concilio Sociorum sapientium et cru- ditissimorum assentiente, et pro auctoritate natura mihi commissa, honores titulosque sequentes, civiles, militares, et literarios, cum priyilegiis, dignitatibus, et laudibus omnibus, ad grades pertinentibus, per has literas creo, creates renuntio, renunciatos proclamo : Videlicet; Pro ejus singular! merito, praesertim magnitudine, Balsena mysticetus, Armiger, (ille qui adest), sumat titulum Regis Oceani. Etiam Dominus Ursus Americanus, Didelphis gigan- tea, et Troglodytos Gorilla, eadem de causa, titulum Honor atissimi, recipiant. Pro eorum magno desiderio honoris militaris, Do- minus Simia nasalis, gradum Prsefecti; et ejus fratres omnes, Centurionis sumant. Quia ut carnifex tarn opportnnus est, Squalus car- charias, Armiger, leventur ad gradum Nobilitatis. Quia eo tantum eget, Dominus Equus asinus gradu academico Legum Doctoris condecoretur, 144 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL Eadem causa, quaecunque animalia non sint caudis vel auribus instructa, (si non in pugna singular! amissis,) recipiant (si volunt) gradum honorarium Magistri in Artibus. Super haec, placuit nobis, Munus Armigeri proponere ad aliquse centum animalia ; quae honorem insignem cupiant. Quorum sint testimonio, Sigillum regium majus, et Nomen Regium subscriptum, die primo Augusti, anno DLXX, DCCCLXX, mundi animalis ; et quinto decimo regni mei, in Africa centrali. LEO REX. TRANSLATION. Be it known that I, Leo, the one hundred and twenty- fifth, King of the Animals, with the advice of wise and learned coadjutors, and by authority vested in me by nature, do by these presents create, and having created do announce, and having announced do make public the following titles and honors, with all the privileges, distinctions, and praises pertaining to the same : to wit; On account of his singular merits, especially his enormous size, Balaena mysticetus, Esq., (the Sperm Whale,) that individual who is present, may take the title of King of the Ocean. TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 140 Also Mr. Ursus Americanus, (the Black Bear,) Didel- phis gigantea, (the Kangaroo,) and Troglodytes Gorilla, (the Engeena,) for the same reason may take the title of Most Honorable. On account of their great desire for military honor, Mr. Simia nasalis (the Proboscis Monkey,) may take the rank of Colonel of Cavalry, and all his brothers that of Captain of Infantry. Because he is so much wanted as an executioner, Squalus carcharias, Esq. (the White Shark,) may be raised to the rank of Nobility. Because he needs it so much, Mr. Equus asinus (the Ass,) may be honored by the academic degree of Doctor of Laws. For the same reason, whatsoever animals are not provided with tails or ears, (if they have not lost these appendages in duels,) may receive, if they wish, the honorary degree of Master of Arts. Besides these, it is our pleasure to offer to any one hundred animals, who may desire the distinguished honor, the Commission of Justice of the Peace. In testimony whereof, the great Royal Seal and the Royal Name are hereunto annexed, on the first day of August, in the 570,870th year of the animal world, and the fifteenth of my reign, in Central Africa. LEO the KING. 10 146 HISTORY OP A ZOOLOGICAL The cheering, squealing, and braying, with which these announcements were received, as they were succes- sively made, was tremendous. It was not before suspected that there were so many good Latin scholars in the Convention, and some even hinted that a large part of the Convention kept their eyes upon a few literary members, well known to be good linguists, and never applauded unless these took the lead. THE LEOPARD REPORTS RESOLUTIONS. As the sessions of the Convention were drawing to a close, a Committee, appointed early in the delibera- tions, came forward, and through their chairman, the Asiatic Leopard, reported the following resolutions. 1. Resolved, that the grand secret by which animals have been enabled to preserve their health, their liberty, and their lives ; and their tribes from extinction, is the use of water only as a beverage. 2. Resolved, that if men learn this secret, and practice this principle, it will be impossible to prevent their un- limited prosperity, and the consequent destruction of other animals. 3. Hence, thirdly, resolved, that whatever animal by his precept or example, encourages the use of alcoholic drinks among any other animal except man, is justly chargeable with treason and suicide; and is to be con- TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 147 sidered as having reduced himself to the level of man, and is henceforth fit only to be a slave of man. 4. Hence, fourthly, resolved, that this Convention do all in their power to promote the manufacture and the use of alcoholic drinks among men; that the Horse, the Mule, and the Ox, for instance, when called to labor in the wine-press, the cider-mill, or the distillery, cheer- fully submit to the severest efforts, because they are taking the most effectual way to prevent the prosperity and increase of their great enemy and persecutor, man. 5. Hence, fifthly, resolved, that the Cow be allowed to persevere in the use of distillers' slops, even at the expense of her own life and health, because, for every Cow that is thus sacrificed, a large number of our enemies will be cut down. 6. Resolved, that we now pledge ourselves, by touch- ing noses, that we will entirely abstain from all beve- rages but water, that we nauseate the poisonous weed called tobacco, that we will discountenance their use by other animals, and that we will do all in our power to increase their use among man, as the surest means of their ruin, and the only hope of preventing them from gaming the entire control of the whole animal kingdom. For the same reason we will do all in our power to en- courage the war spirit and slavery among men. 148 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL THE RESOLUTIONS DISCUSSED. None of the Resolutions occasioned much discussion except the last, which was warmly agitated. The op- position to it was not confined to those animals which were in favor of the introduction of alcohol and nar- cotics among the lower animals. But some, who pro- fessed to be advocates of the most rigid temperance, strenuously opposed the adoption of pledges. Some of the grounds of this opposition may be learnt by the following abstracts of a few speeches. THE HOG OPPOSES THE PLEDGE. The Hog opposed the pledge on the ground that by nature he was omnivorous ; and therefore had a right to use temperately every kind of food and drink. Every creature of God, he maintained, was good, and to be received with thanksgiving, and no animal had a right to dictate to him what he should eat or drink. When asked by the Sheep, whether he deemed alcohol and tobacco so important for his health that he could not pledge himself against them for the public good, he replied that he would yield to no animal in his regard for temperance, and in benevolent feelings towards other animals. But there were certain inalienable rights which he would not give up. He was not fool TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 149 enough, for instance, to allow his fleece to be taken off yearly, as the sheep did. Those who had attempted it on him, had always got a good deal " more cry than wool." No one had any right to his fleece, nor to make any sumptuary laws to regulate his manner of living THE ORANG OUTANG CANNOT PLEDGE HIMSELF. This animal said, that, contrary to his will, he had been made a prisoner by man, and he had found that his standing and comfort in human society, depended very much upon his conformity to the usages of civil- ized life. If, when admitted to the entertainments of 150 HISTORY OP A ZOOLOGICAL distinguished men, he were to refuse to sip a glass of wine, with the governor of the feast, or his guests, especially the ladies, he would be cast out of decent society. The same would be the case if he refused snuff, or the cigar after dinner. It was thought especially rude to refuse the wine-cup at weddings ; and upon the whole, he had made up his mind to refuse the pledge, for these and more general reasons, which he had already urged. He did not believe that patriotism or benevolence required him to make such a sacrifice. THE CAT REFUSES. A large Cat inquired of the Convention, how, in his nightly depredations upon the granaries, dairy rooms, and pantries of the human species, he could always distinguish between articles containing, and articles destitute of alcohol. For it was said to exist in bread, and some housewives used it in preparing pies, custards, &c. Such a pledge, therefore, was totally unreasonable. But his strongest objection was of another kind. To ask him to take such a pledge, implied that he was in danger of becoming a sot, and that he could not take care of himself. He resented such an imputation. It was an impeachment of his honor to represent him as in any danger from this quarter. He knew what was best for him, and he would not submit his habits to TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 151 the regulation of that Convention. He knew what hi? nature required better than they did. THE MULE WILL NOT SIGN AWAY HIS LIBERTY. The Mule said, that although his name among mev was almost synonymous with a yielding disposition in everything reasonable, he could not give up this point. For to take this pledge would be to give up his liberty. And that was dearer to him than life. His race had suffered everything almost to secure the liberty to do as they pleased, and he would not be recreant to the boon transmitted to him by his noble progenitors, at the price of many a hard whipping. Many of them had proved martyrs under such treatment, and all his tribe had become so used to it, that this Convention need not suppose that any cudgeling or flagellation would overcome their repugnance to giving pledges how they would act. THE COW FROM NEW YORK RECANTS, AND OFFERS TO TAKE THE PLEDGE. The Cow from New York, who had signed the peti- tion for calling the Convention, and who had several times spoken in favor of introducing alcohol and the slops of distilleries among animals, came forward at this stage of the business and declared, that after lis- tening to the debates of that Convention, she had 152 HISTORY OP A ZOOLOGICAL become convinced of her error, and begged publicly to recant, and pledge herself against alcohol. Since she had been absent at this Convention, she had abstained, through necessity, from alcohol in every form, and she had found her health already greatly improved. She was convinced that she had been totally deceived re- specting her condition, and had mistaken obesity for health. She wished to be among the foremost to take the pledge; and she rejoiced in the prospect of returning home, where she should lecture her companions, who were under a similar delusion ; and it did seem to her that she could open their eyes to their true condition. THE BEAR FROM SUMATRA DESCRIBES HIS INTE.-i- PERATE HABITS. This recantation and profession of reformation by the Cow, were received by the Convention with shouts of applause. She was followed immediately by Ursus Malayanus, the Sumatran Bear, who declared that he was brought up in the family of the Governor of that island, and at his table was daily tempted with choice wines, and soon became uncontrollably attached to them, and at length a complete sot. In his drunken paroxysms he conducted so badly, that the Governor turned him adrift. After that he lived in the streets, and depended upon public charity for his bread. He learnt at length, TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 153 that by frequenting taverns and groceries, he could find human sots ready to give him intoxicating drink enough to take away his reason and self-control ; and in this state he would attack men and other animals, and get whipped and half murdered sometimes. He had himself committed several murders, and escaped condign punishment only by fleeing into other parts of the country, or going among his own kinsmen in the mountains. But they, seeing how degraded and quarrel- some he was, drove him away from their dens. Hia life had become a burthen to him. But hearing of this Convention, he made haste to attend it, in order to defend the use of alcohol. But not having drunk any since he left Sumatra, he found himself in a new world ; and now he was ready to sign the pledge as a reformed drunkard. This recital drew tears of joy and sympathy from the eyes of the Convention. The Cow, especially, was over- joyed to find another animal who could sympathize with her, and involuntarily she and the Bear were seen to run towards each other, and for a long time to press their noses together and to lick each other with great fondness, the Convention meanwhile making the welkin resound with approving shouts. It is said, though it may be mere scandal, that the final result was, that the Cow never returned to America, but accompanied 154 HISTORY OF A ZOOLOGICAL the Bear to Sumatra, where she was introduced to his relations as Mrs. Ursus. THE TAME ELEPHANT PLEADS POOR HEALTH AND THE PHYSICIAN'S PRESCRIPTION. The tame Elephant, emitting a strong odor of the Skunk, next stepped forward cautiously, and claimed protection against that filthy American animal, while he made a few remarks. A body guard having been as- signed him, he entered a strong protest against being required to take the pledge, on the ground that such was the state of his health that he had been compelled to use alcohol. He had been reduced so low, that he had been able to eat only a hundred pounds of grass and fifty pounds of roots per day ; and his master, fear- ing his death on such a scanty portion, sent for a hu- man physician, whose prescription was two gallons of brandy, or four gallons of wine per day; and that re- medy had doubtless saved his life. He had been ex- tremely grateful to that benevolent gentleman for so delicious, and, at the same time, so sovereign a remedy : nor would he neglect such eminent advice, at the bidding of any convention on earth. Were he to omit this prescription, he did not doubt but the weakness of his stomach would return, as well as severe head- aches, nervousness, and general debility. He did not TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 155 dare to be reduced again to so low a diet as he had mentioned : nor did any benevolence require that one should love his neighbor better than himself. But he had another objection to signing the pledge. It was a vulgar affair, and, although well enough for many of the ignoble races whom he saw in that Con- vention, and perhaps the only means of saving them from the excessive use of alcohol, yet he belonged to a race with royal blood in their veins, who needed no such silly ceremony as touching noses to prompt them to do their duty. He should never dare to lift up his trunk again among his fellows, were he to submit to such degradation. Others might do it in welcome, and perhaps when the Skunk presented himself for so loving a ceremony, they might be disposed to embrace him. The Elephant was proceeding in this strain, but his agitation threw out from his body so strong an odor of the Otto of Roses that the other animals supposed Mr. Mephitis had again come forward to resent the in- sult offered him, and they began to run away ; but the Lion's voice restored order, and he proceeded to state, that at the beginning of the sessions of the Convention, he had appointed a Groat, who had long been connected with a hydropathic establishment in Germany, to act as physician and surgeon ; and the case of the Elephant seemed to be one that demanded his attention. He 156 HISTORY Oi' A ZOOLOGICAL would, therefore, request Dr. Copra to prescribe for the Elephant. THE GOAT'S PRESCRIPTION. The Goat promptly replied, that the case was a clear one. It was hydrophobia, and hydropathy was the remedy. This would tend to overcome the patient's terrible repugnance to water, and aid in removing that insufferable odor which had been so annoying to the Convention, though it would need a great many ablu- tions to complete the purification. If the patient should object to this hydropathic treatment, his advice was, that Mr. Mephitis be again let loose upon him. As this last sentence was uttered, the Elephant sprang as if he were shot, and bolted out of the Con- vention. But the Whale was too quick for him ; and ere he got out of the way he was most thoroughly drenched. It happened also that he went directly past the burrow of Mr. Mephitis, who had just time to empty upon him another phial of the Otto of Hoses ; BO that he went off, not only with flying colors, but with flying odors. * THE DOG BRINGS THE MATTER TO A CLOSE. Many of the animals attempted to reply to these several objections j but the Dog's speech was most to TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. 159 the point, and ended the doings of the Convention. He said he had been greatly surprised that such ob- jections to taking a pledge against the use of virulent poisons, were urged by any animals except man. They were exactly the same sort as he had often heard in human Temperance Conventions which he had often attended. And it did not surprise him, to hear a race so selfish, so wanting in patriotism as man, boldly avow such contemptible motives of conduct. But among other animals, confessedly so much superior to man in self- denial and sacrifice for the public good, they were brought out now with a very bad grace. And they led him greatly to fear that unless such sentiments were promptly frowned upon by the Convention, ani- mals might soon be reduced as low as man on the scale of patriotism and benevolence. He therefore moved as an amendment of the last -resolve, that from the time the animals who take the pledge begin to touch noses, one half hour be allowed to those who do not, to get the start as much as they can on tneir way home : but if overtaken, they will be left to the mercy of those who come up with them. This amendment was no sooner made than it was carried, as well as the original resolve, by the accla- mations of an overwhelming majority. At once the animals began to range themselves by hundreds in 160 ZOOLOGICAL TEMPERANCE CONVENTION. opposing lines, in order to take the pledge; while the rest were seen instantly straining their muscles to the utmost, in their attempts to get out of the way. The scene among those who took the pledge proved a very touching one, for so long had they been together in the Convention, that it was hard to part : and not only did they touch noses, but continued for a long time to lick and embrace each other; and it will relieve the sympathies of the reader, to know that the unpledged animals got fairly out of the way of the others : and all, both pledged and unpledged, finally reached their homes in safety, and spent many a long night in detailing to their constituents, the marvellous etory of the ""WORLD'S ZOOLOGICAL CONVENTION/' THE END. LIST OF BOOKS FOR SALE AT THE $)epo$ifoHj, No. 11 CORNHILL, BOSTON. Minnie Hcrmon ; Or, The Night and its Morning. A Tale for the Times, by THURLOW W. BROWN ; 4 illustrations, muslin, 472 pp, 12mo 1 25 Temperance Tales and Hearth-Stone Beveries. A Series of Letters to a Friend, together with Tales and Sketches from Real Life, by THCRLOW W. BROWS ; 5 illus- trations, and a portrait of the Author on steel, muslin, 384 pp, 12mo 1 25 Dick Wilson, the Bmnseller's Victim ; Or, Humanity pleading for the Maine Law. A story founded on fact, by J. R. CORNYX ; muslin, 420 pp, 12mo 1 25 Mapleton : or, More Work for the Maine Law. By PHORCELLUS CHURCH, D. D., author of "Philosophy of Benevolence," Prize Essay on "Dissensions," "Antioch." &c., &c. ; muslin, 432 pp, 12mo 1 25 162 NATHANIEL NOTES* CATALOGUE. Sargent's Temperance Tales. Illustrated edition ; two vols in one ; muslin, 332 pp, 12mo 1 25 Permanent Temperance Documents. Three vols, each 1 00 Farke Madison ; Or, Fashion the Father of Intemperance, as shown in the Life of the Senator's Son ; by METTA VICTORIA FULLER ; muslin, 291 pp, 12mo 87 The Inebriate's Hut ; Or, The First Fruits of the Maine Law ; by Mrs. 8. A. SOUTHWORTH ; 4 illustrations, muslin, 240 pp, 12mo . . 83 The Silver Cup of Sparkling Drops, From many Fountains, for the Friends of Temperance ; by Miss C. B. PORTER ; with steel plate frontispiece, muslin, 312 pp 87 The Mysterious Parchment ; Or, The Satanic License ; by Rev. JOEL WAKEMAX, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church at Almona, N. Y. ; steel plate frontispiece, 323 pp 75 Ten Nights in a Ear-Boom, And What I Saw There ; by T. S ARTHUR , steel plate frontispiece, " Father, come home ;" muslin, 240 pp . . 75 Speeches, Poems, and Miscellaneous Writings, On Subjects connected with Temperance and the Liquor Traffic ; by CHARLES JEWETT, M. D. . portrait of the au- thor on steel ; muslin, 204 pp, 12mo 50 The Sedley Family; Or, The Saving Influence of the Maine Law ; 4 illustra- tions, muslin, 203 pp, ISrao 42 NATHANIEL NOTES 1 CATALOGUE. 103 History of a Zoological Temperance Convention, Held in Central Africa ; by President EDWARD HITCH- COCK, D. D., LL. D. ; 30 illustrations, muslin, 160 pp . . 42 The same, gilt edges and side 54 The same, paper covers 30 The Temperance Melodist; Consisting of Gleea, Songs, and Pieces, arranged and adapted expressly for the use of "Temperance Watch- men," "Sons of Temperance," Societies, Temperance Gatherings, and Social Meetings everywhere ; by S. HCB- BOW ; 142 pp, more than 80 tunes and hymns 25 Same, per dozen 200 Durham Village, A Temperance Tale 37 Boys' Temperance Book, Containing Temperance Dialogues and Pieces for Speaking, 25 Temperance Anecdotes. A choice collection of more than two hundred, illustrating the Evils of Intemperance and the Power of the Pledge . 25 My Native Village ; Or, The Recollections of Twenty-five Years ; illustrated . 25 Female Influence ; Or, The Temperance Girl 25 Eve Bourne, And other Sketches from Life 25 The Harvey Boys. Illustrating the Evils of Intemperance 21 The Temperance Boy 22 NATHANIEL NOTES CATALOGUE. Talcs of Intemperance ............... 21 Edward Elvers, The Boy that was not Spoilt ............. 23 The Broken Pledge ................. 18 The Old Red Tavern ................. is Scenes of Intemperance, Exhibited in Familiar Conversations betur.isn a Mother and Child ...................... 12 Farmer Goodwin's Eule Six Sermons on Intemperance. By Rev. LTMAS BSKCHER, D. D ............. 12 Temperance Manual. By Rev. J. EDWARDS .......... . ...... 12 Stories of Temperance ................ 10 The Ruined Family ................. 10 The Reclaimed Family ; Or, The Power of Religion .............. 10 The Fletcher Family ................ 10 Try; A True Temperance Story .............. 10 The above books are [all bound in muslin, and mostly with gilt backs. fCT Can be sent by mail to all parts of the United States, NATHANIEL NOTES' CATALOGUE. It 5 PAMPHLETS, TRACTS, &C. &C. A great variety of Pamphlets and Tracts constantly on hand among which are the following, viz. : Fifty Arguments In favor of Sustaining anil Enforcing the Massachusetts Anti-Liquor Law ; by llev. 11. W. CLARK 6 An Appeal to the People From well-authenticated Results of the Maine Law ... C The Triumphs of Temperance. A Discourse by Kev. JOHN MARSH, D. D., Corresponding Secretary of the A T. Union 6 Frauds in the Liquor Traffic, Elicited and proved from the standard receipt-books and guides of Vintners, Distillers, and Brewers ; by Rev. T. P. IIC.NT 3 Six Sermons Oa the Nature, Occasions, Signs, Evils, and Remedy, of Intemperance ; by Rev. LYMAN BEECHER, D. D 6 The Temperance Manual. By Rev. J. EDWARDS, D. D 6 A Review of Rev. Mr. Lovejoy's Lecture Against Prohibitory Law 6 The Reveille ; Or, Our Music at Dawn. A Temperance Tale. The lead- Ing incidents of this book are facts ; the principal charac- ters are now living ; one of them, the saloon-keeper, is now a zealous temperance man. Complete in three num- bers, each 17 N. B. Soon to be published in one volume, muslin. 166 NATHANIEL NOYES' CATALOGUE. TRACTS STITCHED WITH COVERS. Traffic in Ardent Spirits, And the Destructive Influence of Intoxicating Liquors oa the Body and Soul ; by Rev. JUSTIN EDWARDS, D. D. ; 36 pp. ArgumentSagainst the Manufacture of Ardent Spirits. By Rev. ED. HITCHCOCK, D. D. ; 32 pp. On the Traffic in Ardent Spirits, That it is Morally Wrong ; by Rev. ALBERT BARNES ; 28 pp. Putnam and the Wolf ; Or, The Monster Destroyed ; by Rev. JOHN MARSH, D. D. ; 28 pp. The Effects of Intemperance On the Moral, Intellectual and Physical Powers, including the Predisposition to Disease and Death ; by THOMAS SEWELL, M. D. ; 28 pp. Address on the Effects of Ardent Spirits. By JONATHAN KITTREDGE, Esq. ; 28 pp. Address to the Young Men of the United States On Temperance ; by Rt Rev. C. P. M'ILVAINB ; 28 pp. Jamie ; or a Voice from Ireland for Temperance. A True Narrative ; by Prof. EDGOR ; 20 pp. Debates of Conscience, With a Distiller, a Wholesale Dealer, and a Retailer ; by HEMAN HUMPHREY D. D. ; 20 pp. Bible Argument for Temperance, Or Total Abstinence from Intoxicating Beverages required by the Great Law of Love ; by Rev. AUSTIN DICKENSOK ; 16 pp. The Well-Conducted Farm. A Narrative of Facts ; 16 pp. One Thousand Pages of any of the above Tracts sold for one dollar. The following four-page Tracts will be sold as follows, viz ; $3 per 1000, or 300 for one dollar, and sent free of postage any where in tl.e United States. Whom Shall f Vote For ? The Rum Maniac Rev. Hf.r.ry Ward Beecher on the Maine Law Somebody's Son Intemper- ance and Crime Cost of the Traffic A Word to Farmers Con- stitutional Question Shall We Have the Maine Law ? Twen- ty-five Objections to the Maine Law Considered and Answered Female Influence Rewards of DrunkennesssWho Slew All These ? The Wonderful Escape The Lost Mechanic Restored Reformation of Drunkards. NATHANIEL NOTES' CATALOGUE. 167 ANTI-TOBACCO BOOKS, &C. &C. The Beauties and Deformities of Tobacco Using ; Or its Ludicrous and Solemn Realities ; by L. B. COLES, M. D. ; muslin, 144 pp 37 The same, paper cover 25 Tobacco ; Its History, Nature and Effects on the Body and Mind ; by JOEL SHHW, M. D 25 Thoughts and Stories on Tobacco For American Lads, or Uncle Toby's Anti-Tobacco Ad- vice to his nephew Billy Bruce ; illustrated 25 Diary of Rev. Solomon Spittle 8 The same, illustrated 12J Anti-Tobacco Envelopes, Self-sealing, extra, per package 10 The same, common, per package 8 Anti-Tobacco Medal for Children 6 The above Books, &c, should have an extensive circulation, for the pernicious habit of tobacco-using has already a firm hold upon the community, and should be eradicated before a large number find a premature grave. MAGAZINES, NEWSPAPERS, &C. The undersigned is the authorized agent for a large number of Magazines and Newspapers, specimen copies of which can be seen at his office ; and he would be happy to receive subscriptions for any Magazine or Newspaper published in the United States, which will be forwarded to the subscriber promptly, with receipt for same. He will also furnish any Books published in Boston, New York, or any other place, at as low prices as they can be had of the publishers, as he is on terms of intimacy with other publishers. Agents wanted to sell Temperance and other Books, and a large commission allowed. Address (post-paid) NATHANIEL NOTES, Publisher, No. 11 CUIINHILL, BOSTON. 168 NATHANIEL NOTES* CATALOGUE. LIST OF NEWSPAPERS. Per Year Maine Temperance journal, Portland, weekly $2 00 The Maine Law Advocate, New Haven, Ct., weekly 1 00 Cayuga Chief, Auburn, N. Y, weekly . 100 New York People's Organ, New York, weekly 1 00 Journal of the American Temperance Union, New York, monthly, 16 pp 1 00 Youths' Temperance Advocate, New York, monthly, illustrated 25 MAGAZINES. Graham's Magazine s Godey's Magazine 3 oo Peterson's Ladies' National Magazine 20 Arthur's Home Magazine 2 oo Happy Home and Mothers' Assistant 2 oo Mothers' Assistant and Young Ladies' Friend . 1 oo Forrester's Boys' and Girls' Magazine l oo The Monthly Instructor and Fire-Side Companion l oo Woodworth's Youths' Cabinet, Illustrated 1 00 P S. Any of the above Magazines gent free of postage for th above prices, which are the publishers' prices. NATHANIEL NOYES, General Agent, No. 11 CORJIHILL, BOSTON. < SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY 405 Hilgard Avenue, Los Angeles, CA 90024-1388 Return this material to the library from which it was borrowed. THE LIBRARY UNIVERSITY OF CALIFOR3 3 1158 00513 5750 ji /-\ i i i Ui