THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 LOS ANGELES
 
 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS.
 
 CLUVIENUS 
 
 HIS THOUGHTS 
 
 BY 
 
 H. R. TOTTENHAM 
 
 St. John's Coll., Cambridge 
 
 Cambrf&ge 
 
 E. JOHNSON, TRINITY STREET 
 1895
 
 
 COLLEGIO • DIVI • lOHANNIS 
 
 PATER . ADOPTIVOS • 
 
 OPTIMO • MEDIOCRIS • 
 
 D . D • 
 
 COMPILATOR . 
 
 <(;
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 I have to thank the Editors of the Cambridge 
 Review and the Eagle for their courtesy in allowing 
 me to reprint these sketches. I can only say to them 
 " This comes hoping that you and the army are well, 
 as it leaves me at present." (Cicero, Epp.) 
 
 The proceeds of this little work (if any) will 
 be devoted to a Classical Mission to the Stock 
 Exchange; if, unfortunately, there should be a 
 deficit, it is hoped that it may be met through 
 the medium of the common or charitable hat. 
 
 H. R. TOTTENHAM. 
 
 St. John's College, 
 
 April, 1895.
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 PAGE 
 
 PHILOSOPHY AND UMBRELLAS - - - - I 
 
 NOTES ON AN OLD-WORLD PLAY ... 5 
 
 THE NAVAL CONTEST AT DITTON - - - I4 
 
 THE NIKOMACHEAN ETHICS OF WHIST - - 20 
 
 EPINIKIAN ODE TO THE AGRICULTURAL VOTER - 29 
 
 ANTHROPOLOGY FOR AMATEURS " " " 35 
 
 THE MAGNIFICENT MAN ; WITH A DISQUISITION 
 
 ON THE VOLUNTARY - - - . 44 
 
 CAMBRIDGE AS SHE IS VISITED - - - 54 
 
 JUBILATE 59 
 
 MR. ALMUS PATER ------ 64 
 
 A grammarian's VALENTINE " " " - 73 
 
 LETTERS TO LECTURERS. X. TO DR. V-RR-LL 75 
 
 THE HIGHEST LOCALS ----- 80 
 
 ON NATURAL HISTORY 86 
 
 AN IMPRESSIONIST ON POST-GRADUATE STUDY - 95 
 
 THE OLD LOVE AND THE NEW- - - - I02 
 
 STYLE IN THE MATHEMATICAL TRIPOS - - IO3 
 
 OIAinOY YnaniAEMENOY FRAGMENTUM - - I06
 
 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 PHILOSOPHY AND UMBRELLAS. 
 
 [Cambridge Review, March 3, 18S0). 
 
 Every one must acknowledge that an umbrella, 
 besides being what Mr. Wemmick would call " a 
 piece of portable property," is an absolute necessity 
 of life in our Noachian climate, and so, when I 
 discovered some ominous rents in my best Sunday- 
 go-to-meeting " Paragon," my first impulse was 
 naturally to get another. Now, to the ordinary 
 mind of members of this University, whether mathe- 
 matical, natural scientific, moral, or the reverse, 
 the natural proceeding would have seemed to be 
 to go to a shop where such articles are sold, select 
 one which suited one's fancy, and, after settling 
 the price by the " higgling of the market " (for 
 which see Aristotle, Nic. Ethics, Bk. V., chap. — 
 I don't know which, now that that too enthralling 
 work has been so cut up, that its own mother 
 wouldn't know it), have it put down in one's 
 tutor's bill, unless one had started the ready-money 
 system, deposit account, and so forth, for which 
 see Prospectuses. 
 
 But not so to me, — I was a candidate for the 
 last Classical Tripos, and I determined to avail
 
 2 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 myself of the stores of philosophical learning which 
 I then acquired. " How can I tell," I said to 
 myself, " that the shopman may not be a philo- 
 sopher, and perhaps ask me to define an umbrella, 
 and then, through my inability to cope with him 
 in the art of dialectic, I may be compelled to go 
 away with a dozen collars or a hat-box ? No, I 
 will set about the matter methodically, and when 
 I have arrived at the true knowledge of what an 
 umbrella is, I shall be able so completely to crush 
 him, that, perhaps, he may be even induced not 
 to charge me more than twice what I should have 
 to give for the same thing in London or elsewhere. 
 Now there are, I think we may safely say, 
 three umbrellas : — the ideal umbrella in heaven, 
 phenomenal umbrellas on earth, and, thirdly, 
 painted pictures of the latter, and, corresponding 
 to these three classes there are, I presume, three 
 umbrella-makers, the god, the artificer, and the 
 Royal Academician. The last class would clearly 
 be of no use to me, and the first I am not likely 
 to obtain, so, by the exhaustive process, I must 
 direct my attention to the second class ; but even 
 of phenomenal umbrellas one can get no real 
 knowledge, without grasping the ideal to a certain 
 extent, for of course umbrellas are umbrellas only 
 so far as they participate in umbrellotes. Now 
 there is a method called synagoge or " collection," 
 (which must have been invented by some god), 
 which enables you by comparing a number of 
 individual phenomena to work up to the original, 
 and then, as far as I remember, you work down
 
 PHILOSOPHY AND UMBRELLAS. 3 
 
 again by some back way — but it is such a time 
 since the Tripos. Now, it hardly requires a 
 practical syllogism to suggest that if you require 
 a " collection " of umbrellas, the Union is the 
 
 place to go for it But I hadn't got 
 
 farther back than the swing-gate, with my col- 
 lection under my arm, when two or three men 
 rushed after me, and, seizing the phenomena, made 
 some disparaging remarks as to my knowledge of 
 the eighth commandment. I explained my inten- 
 tion, when one of them, I am afraid, called me 
 a fool ; however, I didn't mind, I thought of my 
 great master Sokrates, and reasoned with myself : 
 — " I am a fool, and I know it ; you are ditto, 
 ditto, and don't know it ; so it's fifteen love after 
 all." However, I didn't say this out loud, as 
 another syllogism was stealing into my mind, 
 relative to the inadvisability of calling a man six 
 foot high a fool. 
 
 But evidently in this money-grubbing age the 
 method of collection breaks down, and I was 
 almost in despair, when suddenly a light seemed 
 to break in upon me, and, ejaculating the one 
 word " dihaeresis," I rushed off to my rooms. For 
 the benefit of those few members of the Univer- 
 sity, who have not attended certain crowded lectures 
 during the last year or so, I may state that the 
 method of dihaeresis is this : — You select some 
 sufficiently large class or " hett," which contains 
 the thing you want to define, and then divide it 
 into two sub-classes, one of which shall include, 
 and the other exclude the thing in question, and
 
 4 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 then sub-divide the sub-class, and so on, till you 
 get to the definition required, — in fact, first catch 
 your " hen," and then dichotomize her. Now, 
 after mature deliberation, I fixed on everything 
 that exists, as a good all-round "hen" to begin 
 with, and was just going triumphantly to divide 
 it into umbrellas and non-umbrellas, when an awful 
 thought struck me, — I had been guilty of the 
 heinous sin of jumping at once from the One to 
 the Many, without calling at intermediate stations, 
 and I know where people will go who do that 
 sort of thing ; I thought of Ardiaeus and his thorn- 
 bushes and trembled. No-, we must start again, 
 and why not divide everything into manufactured 
 and unmanufactured things ? Umbrellas (omitting 
 skiapods, as they say in Arithmetic,) evidently 
 belong to the first class. Good ; again, manu- 
 factured things may be divided into useful and 
 ornamental ; umbrella (normally) belongs to the 
 first class again. Once more, things useful may 
 be divided into useful for offence and useful for 
 defence ; after some hesitation I choose the second 
 division for a change. Then defence may be sub- 
 divided into defence against the weather, and 
 defence against other animals (fine Graecism, 
 critical papers "please copy"). We're getting on, 
 but our definition would still include the Tower 
 of Babel, if that interesting relic still remains to 
 gladden the heart of some orthodox explorer, to 
 say nothing of Adam's original costume, and 
 Nevile's Court during a shower ; so suppose we 
 divide defences against the weather into those
 
 PHILOSOPHY AND UMBRELLAS. 5 
 
 which shut up like a telescope, and those that 
 don't. At last we have come to the definition of 
 our word, that is, unless it still includes express 
 trains. So off I went to the shop. 
 
 " Good morning ; oh, if you please, I want a 
 manufactured thing, said thing to be useful, said 
 use to be for defence, said defence to be against 
 the weather, and said thing must shut up like a 
 telescope ; and please put it down in my tutor's 
 bill." By the way, oughtn't I to dichotomize my 
 tutor too ? but no, the result showed that the 
 shopkeeper was no philosopher. He stared at me 
 for a moment, and then, muttering, " I've got it," 
 (I believe he thought I was asking conundrums) — 
 dived under the counter, and produced — a Gibus 
 hat. 
 
 I left that shop, and on my way home made a 
 new dichotomy of everything into philosophy and 
 common sense, and determined to restrict the 
 former, for the future, to examination purposes.
 
 NOTES ON AN OLD-WORLD PLAY. 
 
 {Cambridge Review, March g, 1881). 
 
 Now that we have all been hearing so much of 
 the Agamemnon and of Greek Drama, it seems a 
 fitting occasion for me to make public some notes 
 of an Old-World Play, at which I have lately 
 had the privilege of attending. 
 
 I was walking down the street the other day, 
 when suddenly before me I saw a small wooden 
 stage, and standing, or rather reclining, on the 
 proscenium appeared a grotesque figure. On 
 approaching I found that the play was just going 
 to commence, and I began to note the details ; 
 the orchestra, with no doubt the thymele, — con- 
 trary, I believe, to classical custom — was situated 
 beneath the stage, and screened from view by 
 a green baize curtain, nor was I at a loss to 
 understand the reason, when to my astonishment 
 I distinctly made out that the strains were those 
 of the enervating Mixolydian measure, which it 
 is to be hoped our Rulers will soon banish from 
 the city, together with Compulsory Greek, and 
 everything else, which gives us an unworthy 
 conception of the gods. 
 
 The play, I soon saw, was a precious relic 
 of Indo-European times ; the very names were 
 a sufficient index. The hero is called Punch, 
 
 6
 
 NOTES ON AN OLD-WORLD PLAY. 7 
 
 in which word who can fail to trace the nasah- 
 sation of the root, which appears in Latin as 
 PUG, and signifies "to strike," a name amply 
 justified by the sequel ? though I beheve myself 
 that it has here the general sense of " Warrior," 
 while in Judy (root YU, cf. con-jux) we have 
 the typical wife. Here then is the primeval idea 
 of the Family — the Warrior and his Spouse. 
 All is peace, but it is not long to last ; a deep 
 spirit of World-Annihilation (Welt-Vernichtung) 
 comes over Punch, and in a moment of reck- 
 lessness he dashes his baby from the topmost 
 battlement, and slays with the strokes of his club 
 the wife of his bosom. It were long to tell of 
 all the woes that follow from this Primeval Ate 
 of the House, how the Doctor, the Beadle, and 
 the Executioner fall victims to the Hero's wrath ; 
 but there is one character, whom we must dis- 
 cuss : he is described as a Clown, and is for ever, 
 under various forms, torturing the otherwise un- 
 conquerable Punch, but disappears at the latter's 
 final apotheosis. May he be the Nemesis, which 
 is provoked by the spilling of Family Blood, and 
 is ever ready, like a foul bird, to swoop down 
 upon the head of the devoted Warrior ? I have 
 since thought, from the apparent comicality of 
 some of his doings, that he may be the Protean 
 YA himself. I do not insist upon this, but merely 
 throw it out tentatively, and, as 1 shall probably 
 have changed my opinion on all these matters 
 before next lecture, you had better not put it 
 down.
 
 8 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 But what I want to point out is the insight 
 we may gain from this play into the manners 
 and customs of our ancestors. Let us then see 
 what we can learn from it of the habits of those 
 dwellers of old on the central table-land of the 
 festive Hindu-Kush, to whom we are all so much 
 indebted for their happy thought of continuing 
 the Indo-European race. " Our ancestors " then, 
 to quote from a well-known work on Etymology, 
 *' would seem to have been troubled by " babies. 
 They had learned the use of the stick, an accom- 
 plishment, which, like Max Miiller's root AR, has 
 since travelled " from India to Ireland." They 
 had domesticated the Dog, though he had hardly 
 arrived at that stage of devotion, which Darwin 
 has compared to our emotion of worship. They 
 had in fact reached a high pitch of civilisation : 
 beadles and gallows were familiar sights to the 
 Indo-European gamin. The drink of the soberer 
 sort was MADHU, or mead, while the gay young 
 men preferred a modest soda and split-A. They 
 were a many-sided people ; in fact from their 
 arrogating to themselves the title of Arya, their 
 enemies thought that they had too much of that 
 useful quality concealed about their persons. Oh, 
 but it was a merr}^ life they led, tending their 
 flocks, and inventing words ! Think of the triumph 
 of the mad wit, who started the root VAS with 
 three distinct meanings, so that when one Indo- 
 European said to another, "in a waggishnesse," 
 " I'll have your VAS," the second time did not 
 know whether it was his house, his fire-place,
 
 NOTES ON AN OLD-WORLD PLAY. g 
 
 or his waistcoat that was threatened. This must 
 have led to much drollery, and subsequent punching 
 of heads. But space fails me to tell of all their 
 social aspects, of the traces of the " original 
 Kankan," (cf. Peile, 2nd edit. p. 383) too soon, 
 alas ! corrupted b)' an improper labialism, or of 
 the assemblies of the chiefs, where, at least, we 
 know Grimm's Law was passed by a large majority, 
 though the Teutonic Irreconcilables voted solid 
 against one clause. Their religion would seem to 
 have been of that joyous bright Greek type, (so 
 different to the brooding Semitic element in our 
 own,) which saw no harm in anything in particular, 
 and didn't stick at it, when it did ; but I have 
 developed this point later. I trust however that 
 this is sufficient to shew that the Indo-European 
 is no mere abstraction of the study, but that they 
 were a real people, as large as life, and twice as 
 natural. 
 
 With regard to the date of the drama, I must 
 confess that I have arrived at only a rough ap- 
 proximation ; it is in fact quite possible that we 
 have here, confused together, a Punchiad and a 
 Clowniad of two perfectly distinct authors. How- 
 ever, leaving such matters to be decided by Mr. 
 Gladstone and Mr. Paley, I shall treat it as 
 a systematic whole, and judging from internal 
 evidence, I should place it somewhere between the 
 times of the Cave-men, about B.C. 100,000 I am 
 told (but I am unfortunately no palaeontologist 
 myself), and the age of Aeschylus and Sophokles, 
 say B.C. 470. That it is not earlier than the
 
 10 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 first date seems certain from the sanctity of the 
 marriage-tie, and other evidences of civiHsation in 
 the piece, while, that it is not later than the second, 
 is amply proved by the fact that there is no trace 
 throughout of a tritagonistes, for the baby was, 
 in those happy times, a mere kophon prosopon, 
 while Toby we may consider a parachoregema, like 
 the pigs in the Acharnians, only more adapted to 
 primeval taste, and less likely to be expunged by 
 the Censor of Plays. Think of the sleepless nights 
 that functionary must have passed, in determining 
 the exact length of the frill round Toby's neck, 
 for the morals (he felt) of the Indo-European 
 public must be preserved. 
 
 Turn we however from these dry details to 
 observe the beauties of the piece, and they are 
 many ; but I will ask you especially to note four 
 points. In the first place mark the essentially 
 tragic situation. It has been well said, with refer- 
 ence to the Antigone, that the highest possibilities 
 of tragedy are reached, when we have before us 
 a conflict, in which both parties can claim the 
 right on their side. And is not this the case 
 here ? For who is there, at least what bachelor 
 among us, who does not feel that the first act of 
 our hero, from which springs every succeeding 
 catastrophe, is a righteous act ? (C/. Malthus on 
 Population, passim). Then consider the masterly 
 blending of the comic with the tragic element. 
 This is a point, which the Greek tragedians did 
 not think unworthy of their attention. For instance, 
 in the Choephoroe, think how our feelings are
 
 NOTES ON AN OLD-WORLD PLAY. II 
 
 worked up to the highest pitch of excitement, as 
 we watch Electra recognising her long-lost brother 
 by the simple fact of their wearing the same 
 sized boots (I am afraid, by the way, her feet 
 must have been a bitter detestation to beetles), 
 and by his happy forethought in putting on the 
 very garment, in which he was carried out of the 
 country, a baby-in-arms, some years before. This 
 last fact, I must confess, has always been a 
 difficulty to me; the climate of Greece was of 
 course warmer than our own, but still where were 
 the Bowmen ? Think, I say, when our hearts have 
 been thrilled by such scenes as these, what a 
 relief it is to listen to the naive revelations of 
 the prattling nurse ! How this steels our hearts 
 to hear Orestes declaring of his late mother that, 
 even if he uses the most complimentary terms, 
 he must call her a bath-towel or a lamprey ! Look 
 once more at the truly Sophoklean Irony of some 
 of the situations ; listen to Punch, as he sings 
 his song of triumph, while behind him stands the 
 Form, visible to the spectators, though unseen by 
 him, with staff upraised, ready to fell him to the 
 ground. I doubt if a parallel to this could be 
 found, except in the Oedipus of the Prince of 
 Tragedy, or Mr Caldecott's prematurely triumphant 
 dog. Do you love the Pathetic ? Then gaze with 
 me awhile on the prostrate form of the hero, 
 while the skilled leech bends over him, exhausting 
 all the teachings of his art. The dialogue is 
 indeed hard to catch, but may we not suppose 
 that he is uttering some such words as those,
 
 12 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 which have gone to the hearts of so many : " when 
 the cold gets up to his nose (says he) totc ol^ijcrtTaL — 
 our friend will be gone ? " But, as has been well 
 observed on the parallel passage, this is a scene, 
 which we hardly care to make the field for mere 
 verbal criticism. 
 
 A word, then, before we have done, on the 
 moral of the play. Though, as to its exact scope 
 and meaning, there are considerable difficulties in 
 the way of interpretation, I have a decided opinion 
 of my own on them. Mere opinion, however, as 
 we know, may be true or false. This is unfor- 
 tunately hardly the place to enter on this interesting 
 psychological question, or I could tell you of a 
 friend of mine, who, when returning home after 
 dinner, saw under a lamp the figure of a proctor, 
 (probably placed there by some University), and 
 being uncertain whether it was a man or a statue, 
 he not only formed an incorrect opinion about it, 
 but, being very drunk at the time, his opinion 
 became a spoken proposition, and a very blas- 
 phemous proposition at that. 
 
 But let that pass. My opinion, for whatever it 
 is worth, is that in this drama we have a type 
 of the purification of the human soul, till, as 
 personified in Punch, it utters its triumphant 
 cry of victory over the conquered passions and 
 distractions of this world of sense. In the murder, 
 then, of (i) Judy and the child, (2) the Doctor, 
 and (3) the Executioner, I seem to see the story 
 of the struggle of the soul to free itself from the 
 bonds of {a) family, (b) social, and (c) political ties.
 
 NOTES ON AN OLD-WORLD PLAY. I3 
 
 and in self-centred exaltation to rise to communion 
 with the great Sky-Father. 
 
 [Note here, for future use, that, according to 
 Mommsen, the Roman, like the modern country 
 gentleman, said his prayers into his hat, while the 
 Greek climbed the handiest eminence, and looked 
 up fearlessly, with nothing between him and the 
 azure of a Southern sky, an azure as unclouded 
 as the countless ripple of his own sweet tongue. 
 I believe I have got this last metaphor wrong 
 end on, but it will do either way, — a regular 
 amphisbaena among metaphors.] 
 
 And now, my reader, it is time that we be going 
 on our several ways, I to my every-day work, and 
 you to prepare for making acquaintance with Ajax, 
 Electra, Philoctetes, Oedipus, — and others likely 
 to pay, — at the bidding of the Eleven : and which 
 of us will fare the better, especially under the 
 new regulations, is known only to the Board. 
 
 T. 
 
 P.S. — Go, my wanton little book, though about 
 to be introduced to pepper, frankincense, and 
 mackerel, and whatsoever is wrapped up in foolish 
 wTitings, and to find out — alas, too late ! — that it 
 is in vain for such a disreputable young party 
 to knock for re-admittance at the gate of this 
 religious Foundation.
 
 THE NAYAL CONTEST AT DITTON. 
 
 (THUCYDIDES IX., I.) 
 
 [Cambridge Rcvieiv, June, i, 1881). 
 
 And the Captain of Lady Margaret I., coming 
 forward, said some such words as these : — 
 
 "Oh boating men, I have summoned you as 
 about to exhort you before the contest, considering 
 that, when the time of action has come, it will 
 be too late for words. 
 
 In the first place, then, let every one bear in 
 mind that the hegemony, which Jesus holds, it 
 holds as a tyranny, rather through the inability 
 of those who cannot conquer them, than by the 
 goodwill of men acquiescing in their empire; and, 
 if we can humble them, we shall enjoy the repu- 
 tation of virtue, as being the liberators of Greece. 
 And bethink you that, when the Mede came 
 from the ends of the earth, he found us unprepared; 
 and now, when the Jesus crew, (or the greater 
 part of them) have also come from the ends of 
 the earth, it will be terrible if we suffer the same 
 thing. 
 
 And if any one should fear Trinity, either on 
 account of the greatness of their resources, or 
 their aristocratical connections, (in which especially 
 they are strong), or dreading the cleverness of 
 their Master, let him consider that it is on land 
 that he is most powerful, while on the water we
 
 THE NAVAL CONTEST AT DITTON. I5 
 
 shall meet them rather on equal terms. And for 
 their aggrandizement we are ourselves partly to 
 blame, in suffering them to fortify their new boat 
 house after the retreat of the Mede. Moreover — 
 that which is most to our advantage — there is 
 among them a faction, led by no inconspicuous 
 orator, who wish to cut down expenditure in the 
 direction of cheapness, and who shout out alto- 
 gether that there should be no Master at all ; and 
 it seems probable that, if the Many were armed, 
 they would cast out the Few, and consent to 
 become a democracy and side with us. 
 
 And let us not refrain from doing our utmost 
 against the boats in front, through giving way at 
 all to feelings of pity ; for he who acts thus 
 through paying too much attention to the sweets 
 of oratory, in word indeed is an equitable patriot, 
 but in fact is found to be a specious ass ; for to 
 men circumstanced as we are there is nothing 
 just but what is expedient. And let no one 
 suppose that "all along of" his own sugaring 
 no harm will accrue to the common weal, for, 
 if we neglect these things, the danger will come 
 to us also, and it is the part of a wise crew not 
 only to take measures against those coming against 
 them from behind, but also to form contrary machin- 
 ations beforehand against {TrpoavriKaTa-etc-fSovXeva-at.) 
 the boat in front. Now considering that there 
 are many unexpected things in war, which to the 
 foolish indeed are formidable, while to him, who 
 is prepared, they turn round, appearing to be 
 nothing but empty fears, I have thought good to
 
 l6 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 warn you of what you must expect. For it is 
 probable that the enemy will attempt the manoeuvre 
 of the SukttXovs ; instead of meeting us prow to 
 prow, they will steer slightly out of line, and 
 strive to beak us amidships, for which purpose 
 they have also made thicker their cat-heads, what- 
 ever they may be, nor it is likely that they will 
 carry many supernumeraries (jrepiveuis, Anglice 
 passengers). This then, using your bodies quite as 
 if they were somebody else's, for the good of your 
 country, you must strive to prevent, and so you 
 will get the better of your foes. I would bid 
 you also keep your eyes in the boat*, as the 
 danger approaches ; and this is necessary both 
 in other cases and at Ditton, for it is probable 
 that there will be a large concourse both of the 
 fathers and mothers of those contending, and — 
 that which is also most important — of the sisters 
 and cousins of your comrades, induced partly by 
 hope or fear as to the result, partly through 
 wonder at the greatness of the armament, con- 
 sidering it to be far away the biggest of all the 
 smaller ones that have gone before. But let us 
 strive, alone of the Greeks, to combine a love 
 of cheap High-Art with muscular Christianity 
 [(fjiXoKaXelv fJi€T ivreXitas kol (f>iXo(TO(jieLV aveu fiaXaKtas), 
 to think nothing else a holiday but loss of wind, 
 blisters, and bumping our neighbours, so that if 
 any one were to affirm that we were born neither 
 to take an easy ourselves nor to let any one else 
 
 * This seems to be the meaning of /xij TrepudeTi' in this difficult 
 
 passage.
 
 THE NAVAL CONTEST AT DITTON. 17 
 
 do so, he wouldn't be very far out of it, as things 
 go. And remember that, if we are successful, our 
 silver-collecting men are likely to bring in greater 
 revenues (which are in fact the sinews of war), 
 v/hile, if defeated, we shall lose even those which 
 already exist ; and bear in mind, by the way, 
 that if we call it " contribution " instead of 
 " tribute," our subjects will escape their own 
 notice being swindled. 
 
 And to you, steersmen, I have some advice to 
 give on the difficulties you must encounter ; for 
 Cambridge, though such an important town, is 
 prevented from not being healthy by a very small 
 river. I would bid you, then, not put out into the 
 open at Grassy and Ditton, but rather, hugging 
 the shore, draw your enemies into the shallows, 
 where, through their not practising, they will 
 not be able to follow you. 
 
 And with regard to time, let us strive, if 
 possible, to combine together for ever, but if not, 
 as the next best course, to get our oars in together 
 as frequently as we can, on the assumption that 
 that boat, which has fewest distinct times in it, 
 will be successful in most points. And, above all 
 things, let us not be slaves to the paradox of the 
 hour that feathering under water conduces to 
 speed. 
 
 So, if you attend to all these things, after a 
 short struggle— for the coasting voyage to a well- 
 girt boat is one of a few minutes only — we shall 
 lay up for ourselves an ever-to-be-remembered 
 glory, or rather the glory, which we shall lay up 
 
 c
 
 l8 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 for ourselves, will be an ever-to-be-remembered 
 one, and prove not unworthy of our ancestors, 
 who were accustomed, not long since, to go about 
 in clean shirts and golden grass-hoppers, and 
 bore the brunt of the danger against the bar- 
 barians, and gained the hegemony in 1872, which 
 let us now recover, and pass on unimpaired to 
 our children ('under the New Statutes, 8t]Xov6ti:' 
 Schol. Vet.)" 
 
 [At this point, what appeared to be a herald's 
 staff (Sr)) was seen floating down the river, and 
 a divine Pheme thrilled through the crew, as 
 they stepped with alacrity to their thwarts, 
 whispering that their brethren of the second 
 divison had been successful further up stream — 
 but, on its turning out to be an unauthorised 
 cabbage-stalk, they thought better of their 
 enthusiasm. Since then they have been down 
 on Phemes.] 
 
 These things Thucydides an Io(h)nian (mark 
 the modesty of the indefinite article) hath com- 
 piled, and, considering that they would be useful 
 as a posession to be kept always at hand, in fact 
 a complete Nauarch's vade-mecum, rather than as 
 a prize-task to listen to at the present moment, 
 he hath thought fit to publish them in this 
 periodical at a merely nominal charge of sixpence. 
 [Advt.] 
 
 H. R. T (hucydides.) 
 
 P.S. — Should this meet the eye of the orator 
 himself, I must remind him that I, Thucydides,
 
 THE NAVAL CONTEST AT DITTON. I9 
 
 do not feel bound to report exactly the words of 
 the always speaker, but rather what he might, 
 could, or should have said. {Cf. Wilkinson's 
 introduction to my speeches.)
 
 THE NIKOMACHEAN ETHICS OF WHIST. 
 
 (Catnbridge Review, January 30, 1884). 
 
 Socrates. — One, two, three ; and where, my dear Timaeus, 
 is the fourth of those who were yesterday our guests and 
 are to be our entertainers to-day ? 
 
 Timaeus. — He has been taken ill, Socrates, or he certainly 
 would not have been absent at such a meeting as this. 
 
 Soc. — Then if he is not coming, you and the two others 
 must supply his place. 
 
 Tim. — Assuredly we will do "all we can ; having been 
 handsomely entertained by you yesterday, we who remain 
 ought gladly to entertain you in return. 
 
 Soc. — Do you remember how many points there were of which 
 I told you that we must speak ? 
 
 Tim. — (Poor fellow ! he fondly hoped Socrates had forgotten 
 them over that last gallon) — We remember some of them, 
 and you will be able to remind us of what we may have 
 forgotten. (Jowett's Translation of the Timaeus). 
 
 And so after a transfer of the current medium of exchange, 
 and a remark by Socrates that he thought it was " silver 
 obols," Critias launches out into a history of the Egyptian 
 difficulty from the earliest times, under cover of which he 
 and the philosopher (as per usual) cut in together, a result 
 perhaps not altogether unconnected with a hint of that great 
 man that " the chief magistrates (verbum sap.) were to contrive 
 secretly, by the use of certain lots, that the bnd of either sex 
 and the good of either sex should pair with their like, and 
 there was to be no quarrelling on this account, for they 
 were to imagine that the union was a mere chance, and Vv-as 
 to be attributed to the lot. And," he no doubt added under 
 his breath, " when the good (of either sex) pair together, 
 Polos tells me the odds are about a point a rubber in 
 
 20
 
 THE NIKOMACHEAN ETHICS OF WHIST. 21 
 
 their favour; so I shouldn't be surprised if friend Timaeus 
 were ' handsomely entertained ' again." 
 
 I have quoted the above extracts from this 
 much misunderstood dialogue at length because 
 they seem to me among the most wonderful of 
 the modernisms of the Master. " One, two, three, 
 and where is the fourth ? " Where, indeed ! Pro- 
 bably dining in Trinity or Extension Lecturing, or 
 engaged in some other of those thousand pursuits, 
 for which men will imperil all that is noblest in 
 them, till they seem almost to forget for six days 
 out of the seven that they have an Immortal 
 Hoyle at all. And so one is forced at last to put 
 up with somebody, who says with the gentle 
 Timaeus: "Assuredly we will do all we can;" 
 and " all we can " is sometimes very little ; we, 
 probably, don't know one card from another, or 
 if we do, it's ten to one we won't play for money. 
 For, strange as it may appear, there are people 
 who feel a delicacy about pocketing the stakes 
 they have won, holding, perhaps, with Aristotle, 
 that it is characteristic of the illiberal man to 
 take from his friend to whom he ought to give. 
 They fail to recognise, as did also the immortal 
 Stagirite (if 1 may be allowed the expression) that 
 by a parity of reasoning it must be the part of 
 an extra superfine liberal man to lose to his 
 friend, who ought to give to him, so that probably 
 at the end of the year one is not more than half 
 a sovereign off the mean and the good, which is 
 more than can be said of most ways of employing 
 money. There are other excellent persons who
 
 22 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 give their winnings to a charity. So do I, but 
 then it is a charity which is not puffed up, but 
 beginneth at home. 
 
 But perhaps we shall arrive at a clearer view 
 of the matter if we examine the common state- 
 ments on the subject, of which two seem to be 
 especially on the surface ; the first, that held by 
 the vulgar, that the whist-player is an ass ; and 
 the second, held by the more refined section of 
 the community, that everyone else is ; and though 
 it is not likely that either of these statements is 
 altogether correct, still it is improbable that they 
 are wrong in all points.. The former of these 
 views is the more widely current, because the 
 majority of people bear a strong family likeness 
 to Sardanapalus. But perhaps we shall do better 
 to examine the nature of Whist before we decide 
 between these conflicting opinions. 
 
 Whist, like every other virtue, is a mean between 
 two extremes, the one in excess and the other in 
 defect. The vice of excess in whist-playing, how- 
 ever, does not appear to have received a name, 
 because it does not exist at all, but we may call 
 it a sort of heroic or superhuman cardsharping. 
 The defect is also nameless (and there are many 
 such), but let it stand as Bumblepuppy. The 
 whist-player then is in the mean between the 
 heroic sharper and the Bumblepup ; he plays 
 voluntarily, with full knowledge of the general 
 rules, though he may be ignorant of the particulars, 
 e.g., that this is a trump, or that he hasn't any, 
 partner — and of set purpose, for it is possible
 
 THE NIKOMACHEAN ETHICS OF WHIST. 23 
 
 to play on compulsion, or to make up a four, and 
 one is no more on that account a whist-player. 
 He plays also at the right times, and in the right 
 places, and to the right amount, and so on ; for 
 in all these it is possible to go wrong. One 
 may play in the wrong place, e.g., chapel, or at 
 the wrong times, e.g., Sunday, or with the wrong 
 people, gentlemen on the road to Newmarket, or 
 to the wrong amount, pounds and fivers, or in 
 the category of ttouIv he may revoke, or (ex^'i') he 
 may have the ace of trumps concealed about his 
 person, or (Ketcr^at) he may be under the table. 
 In all this, however, the virtuous player keeps 
 right, and is most perfect and self-sufficient, and 
 is probably most beloved by heaven. And we 
 shall arrive at the same result if we consider 
 wha: is the peculiar function of man ; for the 
 life of growth and nutrition he shares with plants 
 and animals, and the life of perception with 
 animals, but Whist would seem to be the peculiar 
 function of man qua man. It is in fact the 
 highest energy of the highest part of his soul. 
 Ir it then seems to lie his highest good. (Aristotle 
 says this of Philosophic Speculation, but Scientific 
 Whist is a far finer game). He requires also a 
 full term of life, for one rubber does not make 
 a Cavendish, nor yet many. It is often debated 
 how far external goods are necessary to the whist- 
 player. Now we must here remark that exactness 
 is only to be expected in proportion to the subject- 
 matter. It is as absurd to demand a mathematical 
 demonstration from us as to put up with a mathe- 
 
 >■ (h.t\'.%i'^'
 
 24 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 matician talking common sense. All we can say 
 then is that rich and trusting friends, the greatest 
 of external goods, he will need, if he is to actualise 
 his potentiality of blessedness. Let us now pro- 
 ceed to investigate the character of the great- 
 souled whist-player as the representative of this 
 class at its best. 
 
 The great-souled whist-player is he who leads 
 from his longest suit, and acts in everything as 
 the man of practical wisdom would direct. But 
 this has been treated of in the exoteric works on 
 the subject. It is characteristic of him, when 
 his partner leads him a two, to return his highest 
 (if it is a short suit with him), for the great- 
 souled man is naturally inclined to return a bigger 
 one. When he has four by honours in his hand, 
 he will accept it, not as representing his deserts, 
 but because the dealer has no more to give him ; 
 for honours seem to be the highest reward. He 
 will be sparing of asking for trumps, and only 
 under necessity ; for asking is the part of an 
 inferior. If, on the contrary, he has no trump at 
 all, he will be undismayed (as far as mortal may) ; 
 for such mishaps do not justly fall to his lot, 
 but are rather the undeserved and somewhat 
 ridiculous manifestations of Chance, Destiny or 
 whatever first cause we may assign to such 
 vagaries. For he has not a very exalted notion 
 even of the gods, except if a foundation-stone 
 has to be laid, or for the sake of honour. With 
 good players he will be haughty, but with acknow- 
 ledged inferiors he will be genially sarcastic, for
 
 THE NIKOMACHEAN ETHICS OF WHIST. 25 
 
 the great-souled man would seem to have a touch 
 of the bully about him. He will not be afraid 
 of the ace of trumps. Why should he be, to 
 whom nothing is great ? He will also hit the 
 black deuce, not because he is superstitious — 
 who is less so ? — but to insult the rest of the 
 table. If they hit the black deuce themselves, he 
 will hit the red. He will even defend the success 
 of irregular play, when it is his own, remarking 
 smilingly that the trick is sufficient first principle 
 for him, and that, when you have got that, you 
 need not go on to bother about the why and 
 wherefore. He will say that Cavendish wants 
 re-writing, and he knows some one who could do 
 it ; when pressed as to whom he means, he will 
 say " Brooks of Sheffield," or " H. Walker," for 
 the great-souled man is apt to understate his 
 merits, especially before inferiors. He will say 
 he trumped his partner's best card for the sake 
 of the Beautiful. He is truthful, except when 
 honours are to be scored, and morbidly plain- 
 spoken. He will let the adversary make the cards 
 for him, for your great-souled man is least of all 
 a shuffler ; and even so he will not be grateful, 
 for it does not represent his merits. After winning 
 a game, it is like him to say, " I brought in that 
 long suit well, partner." When he loses he 
 will say, " If you had returned my lead instead 
 of playing for your small-souled hand, we should 
 have made a treble," or again, " They were too 
 strong for us," for he is not like the Kelts who 
 fear nothing at all, not even death at sea or
 
 26 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 thirteen trumps. And Homer too would seem to 
 bear witness to the great-souled whist-player in 
 " Courage, my heart ; worse ruffed thou hast oft been 
 aforetime," 
 
 and 
 
 "Whomsoever he saw not obeying his call or revoking, 
 Him he angrily chode." 
 and again 
 
 "Bitter wrath in his nostrils." 
 And the great-souled man would appear to be 
 well-born and tall, he plays slowly and has a 
 pompous voice ; he does not begin to sort his 
 cards till his adversary or partner has led, but 
 if they hesitate a moment, he lays down his hand 
 and sighs. In fine in everything that he does the 
 great-souled man will be great, but the greatness 
 he studies is relative, not absolute ; for the same 
 things are not great in winnings and losings and 
 in offerings to the gods. In the latter every one 
 would allow that a threepenny bit or a trouser 
 button is relatively great. 
 
 Now, seeing that the great-souled man is 
 possessed of so many advantages, he will be 
 grieved at death, for death would seem to be the 
 end of whist, and it is doubtful how far the 
 dead man is affected by the revokes or coups of 
 his descendants ; for on the one hand it is absurd 
 to suppose that he at one moment rejoices, when 
 his son brings in a long suit, and the next grieves, 
 when his grandmother misdeals (thus representing 
 the dead man as " chameleon-like unable to sit 
 tight,") while that he takes no interest in the 
 game at all seems too heartless a doctrine. But
 
 THE NIKOMACHEAN ETHICS OF WHIST. 27 
 
 this would appear to belong to the Theological 
 Tripos. However that may be, the great-souled 
 whist-player will, as we said, be grieved at death, 
 but not excessively ; nor will his friends. 
 
 In conclusion, since the object of this discussion 
 is moral action, not knowledge, I may remark 
 there is still room in the Whist Club. And though 
 it may seem to some that the character I have 
 sketched of the ideal whist- player is too heroic 
 and almost divine to be attained by the average 
 man, still it is better that you should aim high, 
 if haply you may make at least some progress 
 towards perfection (for we all seem born with a 
 bent rather towards beggar-my-neighbour), just as 
 a rifleman, if he have some mark to aim at, if 
 it's only a hay-stack, is more likely to hit than 
 if he has none ; and men go wrong in many 
 ways (at least so I am informed), but as I have 
 striven to shew, there is only one way of going 
 right. If, however, owing to a lack of natural 
 ability or the want of a certain process of 
 habituation or of knowledge, you cannot attain to 
 the life of scientific whist, there is still the second 
 best life open to you, that namely, in accordance 
 with moral excellence ; so go to chapel regularly 
 and be in before ten, and it may be that, though 
 you will have missed man's highest blessedness, you 
 may yet get an exhibition of £-i,. 95. 4^., awarded 
 to that student, who, in the opinion of the deans, 
 has shewn the greatest regularity of conduct, 
 provided you are of the name and kin of the 
 founder, and have been educated at one of three
 
 28 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 Grammar Schools, of which no mortal man has 
 ever heard the names before or since. 
 
 H. R. Clay-Pole, Cav.
 
 EPINIKIAN ODE TO THE AGRICULTURAL 
 
 YOTER. 
 
 {Eagle, December 1885). 
 
 Hail, wide-ruling Mother of Harmony, golden 
 Caucus, child of Zeus, whom Aston knoweth well, 
 and Brummagem, rich in electro-plate, beareth 
 witness to thee and Bradford to thy doings. 
 
 Yoke me a four-horse car of the Muses, that in 
 revel-rout I may greet thee, Nymph, if haply by 
 grace of Hermes, the Conductor, I may 'scape 
 the Gray-eyed Proctor's gaze ; else must thou e'en 
 be content with horses twain and no accompani- 
 ment of horn or pipe. For the god giveth to man 
 now this, now that ; and ofttimes hath one by his 
 prowess gained him worship of his peers, and 
 drunk in sweet forgetfulness of wearying toils, 
 yet by the crooked counsels of Zeus hath he 
 passed the night in the Lock-up, cooking his 
 wrath, and by circuitous route the morrow got 
 him home, putting off on the bodies of small 
 boys the shame of limb-shackling fetters. For 
 croaking Envy and dread Satiety, bane of man, 
 are ever ready to jump on him who is down. But 
 there remaineth an after-taste. Best of all things 
 is soda-water ; but of wealth, brass flasheth preemi- 
 nent on the brow of its fortunate possessor ; albeit, 
 for games, nothing in this wide realm of Schnad- 
 horst can touch a contested election. 
 
 29
 
 30 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 Which gnome has brought us by easy stages 
 to the hero of our ode. Now his mother that 
 bare him was the blooming maiden Pimlikc, who 
 dwelt hard by wide-flowing Thamesis with her 
 dear sisters, deep-bosomed Victoria and Belgravia 
 of the golden locks. And it grieved her sore at 
 heart that no city was named of her name ; so 
 straight she prayed to Father Zeus. Easy, I 
 ween, is it for the Immortals to accomplish that 
 whereon they have set their diaphragms. So forth- 
 with the district which had been erewhile known 
 as Belgravia to the South was called of her 
 Pimlico, rich in omnibusses. Now, so it chanced, 
 Apollo of the unshorn locks saw her as she was 
 wrestling with a tawny cabman ; and straight he 
 called the Centaur Chiron forth of the Shelter, 
 where he abode, and inflamed with love thus 
 spake : " Who is this young person ? scion of 
 what stock haunts she the hollows of the shadowy 
 cabs ? Sure is she the offspring of some god, 
 that with unchilled heart and might invincible 
 she looketh on the storm-foot steed, the untameable 
 mother of cats' meat. And of sleep she taketh 
 but little towards the small hours of the morning. 
 Is it permitted to a god of blameless antecedents 
 to offer holy wedlock ? " And the Beast winked 
 propitiously over the left, and spake and said : 
 " Hidden is the latch-key when soft-eyed Per- 
 suasion woos to wedded joy. But scant authority 
 am I upon the marriage service, and methinks 
 that thou that seest all things in earth and sky 
 and sea hast even hither come armed with the
 
 EPINIKIAN ODE. 3I 
 
 license, and art minded to take thy blushing bride 
 to periwinkle-producing Margate, where ye two 
 shall rear a mighty race ; and, in the far off days 
 to come, shall men raise for you a glorious fane 
 and a tame curate (ktiAos lepevs) to do you honour." 
 Then were they by the Embankment of the nutri- 
 tious stream, alone in the darkness, even as 
 Moses, leader of men, when the blazing torches 
 were quenched in murky gloom. \Here follows 
 a succinct account of the rise, polity^ and fall of 
 the Jewish Jiation down to the time of the late 
 Lord Beaconsfield^ with some reflexioiis on Bacchylides, 
 which, though in the poefs most obscure manner^ 
 we omit as irrelevant.~\ And Underground Zeus 
 rumbled beneath the earth, that the smoke came 
 out of the blow-holes. 
 
 Twenty revolving years had the gold-tressed 
 Hours sent about their business, when to Hatfield 
 there came a hoary oracle — by all means to dread 
 the man with one shoe and a patch in his 
 breeches, lodger be he or occupier. And he, in 
 his beauty, came and stood in the market-place 
 as the publics were filling. And in the well-baked 
 clay of Milo glowed the youth-nourishing shoot 
 that erst the gray-eyed Maid bade spring at Athens, 
 what time she strove against the Earth-shaker ; 
 and the Cranaan folk gave sentence for her ; 
 whereof in token men call it Old Judge to this 
 day. And he let proclaim Ogygian Seven-streeted 
 Dials, oily and full of song and watercress- 
 crowned, his stately home, the son of a sea-cook, 
 fair in form and fair the deeds he wrought. With
 
 32 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 what a shout he hied him round the ring, swearing 
 by his quivered sire for twopence more his steed 
 with single frontlet should go up. Yet men knew 
 him not, and one spake thus to other : " This is 
 not Apollo nor Mrs. Weldon, and the Rates and 
 thou, Imperial Taxes, wear twin sandals." And 
 he spake and said: "Full twenty years have I 
 dwelt with Chiron, nor sold a single vote nor 
 been entreated. And the daughters of the Centaur 
 nurtured me on the guileless poison of the Spelling- 
 bee. I come to claim mine own, three acres of 
 deep-soiled earth and a strong-foot cow." Then 
 Randolph knew him as his long-lost agricultural 
 brother, and the tears bubbled adown his manly 
 cheeks. 
 
 Sweet my post horn, now behoveth thee to shrill 
 a loftier strain. For they who have been elected 
 by an independent constituency shall pass un- 
 scathed the Clock-tower of Kronos, and then 
 with equal days and nights and electoral districts 
 shall they keep it up, not wearying earth nor sea 
 with might of hand throughout the Session, but 
 with the honoured of the gods, who have taken 
 the Oath, they pass a tearless life ; and golden 
 orchids bloom from every button-hole. But " in 
 another place " the wicked peers bear toils that 
 none may look upon without an order. 
 
 Now behold, as I abode in the innermost recesses 
 of my smoke-loving rooms, there appeared unto 
 me a divine son of Asklepios, healer of men, and 
 he said : " Cypher telegram of the long-haired 
 Muses*, sweet mixing-bowl of songs, why dost 
 
 * TjiKofjiicv (TKVTdXa MoLadv.
 
 EPINIKIAN ODE. 33 
 
 thou waste thy days in idlesse, Hke a tender maiden 
 by her dear mother's side, whereas the crooked- 
 taloned Messenger of Zeus, the ruddy Eagle, 
 faileth for lack of sustenance ? Up then and be 
 doing." Then was I sore afeared, for a black 
 coat and well-silkwormed hat of respectability 
 kept off from him the hurtling showers, and all 
 his gait bespoke the Editor. And I answered 
 him: " I will do even as thou biddest ; for I have 
 a kind of fancy of a whet-stone on my tongue, f 
 which drags me on with flowing blasts. I utter 
 words intelligible to the wise, but for conjectural 
 emendations (Is tottciv) they need Mr. V — rr — 11." 
 
 O Chthonian printer's devil, tell me where- 
 abouts in my heart is written the name of the 
 god-like son of Alister, and ye hymns, — Ancient 
 and Modern — lords of the organ, make what speed 
 ye may to Camus' banks, that so I quit me of 
 this ancient debt. 
 
 To all things hath the dusky mind of Zeus 
 set limits ; the bewildered traveller shall not fare 
 beyond Clapham Junction, nor can the wise sing 
 on for ever. Wo Emma. 
 
 [The last remark is apparently addressed to 
 the victor's lowly steed. N.B. I have not gone 
 through the laughable farce of printing this ode 
 in long and short lines as if it was poetry. That 
 went down well enough in the good old Boeotian 
 
 t Sj^a.y cxw Tif' eirl y\(Ij(rcra. aKovas Xiyvpas, 6, fi' tOiXovra 
 irpocreXKei KoKXipooLffi ttvoous. Bockh reads vpoaepTrei, "sidles 
 up to me," which seems more in consonance with what we 
 know of the habits of whet-stones. 
 
 C*
 
 34 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 days. I did indeed once know a nnan who declared 
 he saw distinct traces of metre in Pindar, but I 
 beUeve him to have been a Cretan and the father 
 of it.] 
 
 How to write like a Theban Eagle : 
 by an Eagle ^ for Eagles.
 
 ANTHROPOLOGY FOR AMATEURS. 
 
 {Cambridge Review, May 5, 1886). 
 
 Some three Longs ago I was taken by two 
 scientific friends into the wilds of Norfolk to 
 look for Primeval Man ; we found a few worked 
 flints of moderate value, I presume, as they were 
 handed over to me on our return ; and there the 
 matter would have ended, had I not subsequently 
 become possessed of some of those seventeenth- 
 century pipe bowls, the smallness of which makes 
 us think but meanly of our ancestors. Here 
 seemed to me the beginning of what might grow 
 into a valuable collection. It is true the anthropo- 
 logical record was imperfect, to borrow a phrase 
 from a sister science ; but this could be mended 
 by the contributions of liberal friends, and I 
 determined to undertake the work myself rather 
 than hand over my collection to some learned 
 Society or Museum, because the hypercriticism 
 of science would no doubt reject many a specimen 
 the true value of which my robuster faith would 
 appreciate. In this connection it seemed pure 
 gain that I was totally ignorant of archaeology, 
 geology, and all the sciences which contribute to 
 anthropology ; that I should not know a head- 
 man from a king if I saw him, nor a burgher 
 
 35
 
 36 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 from a plain cit ; that I am altogether unprejudiced 
 as to the origin of the Basques and the date 
 of the glacial epoch, when lascivious Nesselrodo- 
 theriums and grim Neuralgiodonts sported among 
 the icebergs of the tropics ; that I know nothing 
 of the strange marriage customs of the Algonquins, 
 Damaras, and Botocudos — the last people in fact 
 I always thought were something to eat, for 
 instance, "les botocudos sautes a la bourgeoise;" 
 wasn't that a pretty dish to set before a head- 
 man ? A gastronomic friend suggests I must 
 have been thinking of beccaficoes, and I expect 
 he's right. The names are so much alike, and 
 there's a popish sound about both of them. 
 
 My plan of soliciting contributions succeeded 
 beyond my hopes, and I give a list of the more 
 valuable additions. 
 
 1. Tibia of the domestic or barn-door fowl 
 {galhis bankivd) from the Back-lane Kjoekken- 
 moedding; shews traces of the action of fire ; 
 much gnawed. I hoped that the tooth marks 
 would prove to have been made by the cave 
 hysena {Hycena spelccd) ; but our palaeontological 
 young man has decided, judging from the presence 
 of other bones, broken glass, etc., in the same 
 deposit, that they must be ascribed to Homo 
 sapiens^ variety [tnale) desipiens in loco. 
 
 2. Shell of the common oyster {pstraea caeruleo- 
 pimctatd) from shell mounds in the same locality. 
 This is exceedingly interesting as tending to 
 prove either that the Cam was salt in those early 
 days — it may have flowed the other way without
 
 ANTHROPOLOGY FOR AMATEURS. 37 
 
 any grave personal inconvenience — or that the 
 luscious bivalve (D.T.) has since acquired its 
 taste for the sea. What a study for a prehistoric 
 painter : primitive man opening oysters with a 
 stone adze, while the neolithic lord-mayor of the 
 period toils painfully behind in his computations 
 at five shillings per monosyllable. Cambridge may 
 be congratulated on the absence of the allied O. 
 post-theatricalis and O. semimimdi of the London 
 Clay. 
 
 3. A fire-stick communicated on the night of 
 the Borough election by a gentleman (name and 
 address unknown), who described himself as a 
 " Good-ole-Tory." On my informing him that 
 the Senate had not as yet voted me any funds — 
 however inadequate — for the purchase of curiosities, 
 and that I should look on it in the light of a 
 donation, he experienced a change of political 
 sentiments which would have been creditable in 
 a Prime Minister. 
 
 4. Some specimens of palaeolithic cheese from 
 the Chalk. " So careful of the type She seems, 
 so careless of the single life." Communicated 
 (partially) by Bos primigenius. 
 
 5. Three weights for fishing nets (?) At least, 
 if they are not this, I don't see what they can 
 be. I haven't studied anthropology for three 
 weeks without discovering that when you get a 
 find, especially if it has a hole in it, which isn't 
 big enough for a battle-axe, nor sharp enough for 
 a celt or even the domestic scraper of everyday 
 life, it's pretty safe to call it a weight. If a
 
 38 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 brother scientist asks " Why a weight ? " you can 
 answer in the immortal words of the Hatter, 
 " Why not ? " Negatives are proverbially hard to 
 prove and especially so in this case, as I have 
 myself used most things from a Liddell and Scott 
 downwards for the purpose. 
 
 6. A fine stuffed specimen of the so-called 
 Cambridge Boating Horse [Polyosteus hippoides^ or 
 perhaps hipposimilis would be more consistently 
 scientific). This interesting animal forms a further 
 link in the well-known chain of development of 
 the modern Eqtiidae from Orohippiis through 
 Pliohippits^ (or " More-Horse," as the Parisian 
 gentleman said at the banquet,) Circohippus^ a 
 spotted type form, and Anchipaiiclntherium, whose 
 foot-prints were long the despair of Geology, as, 
 from his habit of progressing on the two hind- 
 limbs, I have myself taken them to be those of 
 some gigantic Ornithoscelidan. Hence the Cock- 
 Horse of Evolution [Hippalectryon dispar). Polyos- 
 teus must be placed some way back in the series, 
 as it is not a highly differentiated form ; in fact it 
 has distinct affinities with the genus Camelus 
 among the Ruminants ; I have even thought it 
 might be identified with Professor Marsh's Eohippus, 
 (a sort of out-all-night-and-in-with-the-milk-in-the- 
 morning — hippus, I take it) which had an ulna 
 and a radiics at any distance from that tclna, and 
 moreover five digits at the extremity of the fore- 
 limb ; so have I, but I am not proud. 
 
 7. A specimen of iron pyrites as used by the 
 Terra-del-Fuegians for lighting their fires. I have
 
 ANTHROPOLOGY FOR AMATEURS. 39 
 
 tried to light mine with it, and am reluctantly 
 forced to the conclusion that iron pyrites ignites 
 only on the box. 
 
 8. An erratic block or boulder, subspherical, 
 longest diameter about three inches. It appears 
 to correspond to the recent formation on which 
 most of our college is built, Cobblesia illaudata 
 (Lyell), C. anathema (Sedg.) Communicated to- 
 gether with some fragments of modern glass 
 through a fault in the Museum windows. Anony- 
 mous. If the donor will send his name (not 
 necessarily for publication) to me or the junior 
 dean, he will hear of something to his advantage, 
 that is, if he is of a stay-at-home and domesticated 
 nature. 
 
 g. Brickbats, breccia, Llandovery shale, Ex- 
 plosive Slickensides, etc., from the Coal Measures, 
 communicated gratuitously by the Senior Bursar 
 in one of his more official capacities. 
 
 10. Coin of Victoria. Head to left. " Victoria 
 Dei Gratia :" reverse, royal arms, " Britanniarum 
 Regina Fid. Def." Probably from a local mint, 
 as it contains more lead than is usual in the silver 
 coins in the period : milling imperfect, centre 
 punched out. An amulet against the evil eye ? 
 It has since been suggested to me that it may 
 have been nailed up in some convenient place to 
 serve as a monetary standard. Tendered in part 
 payment of a wager by a corresponding member, 
 Newmarket, Cambs. 
 
 11. Piece of Mammoth's tusk, on which a 
 primitive artist has sketched a rude but spirited
 
 4© CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 scene. A cave-man, in the airy dress of the period, 
 is seen trying to entice Ekphas prmiigenius with 
 offers of oysters and other delicacies to enter his 
 frail canoe, to be transported to the land of the 
 setting sun. If we may judge from fragments 
 of other cave-men lying around, Behemoth is 
 courteously, but firmly refusing the toothsome 
 bribe. 
 
 12. A similar sketch: "Man with Axe" 
 kootooing to Man with Knobkerry. Various ex- 
 planations of the meaning have been offered, it 
 is possibly political. 
 
 13. Earliest known human jaw, probably of 
 mother-in-law of the Neanderthal skull ; with stone 
 axe-head still firmly imbedded in the bone. 
 Thanks to the imaginative exactness of palaeon- 
 tology, I can reconstruct the lady as follows : 
 she was below the medium height, brachycephalous 
 and prognathous with strongly developed surpra- 
 orbital ridges, a slight cast in the off eye and 
 deeply religious. 
 
 And lastly 14, a collection of fragments, bought 
 from an itinerant vendor, chiefly of the tin age, 
 consisting of bosses, fibulae, pieces of cooking 
 utensils, &c., which, however, I have as yet had 
 neither time nor means to catalogue. 
 
 I trust that the publication of these details 
 in the influential columns of the Catnbridge Review^ 
 will prove that the collection deserves some 
 recognition at the hands of Alma Mater, and 
 that with the increasing revenue of the University, 
 it is high time that Anthropology should join in the
 
 ANTHROPOLOGY FOR AMATEURS. 4I 
 
 scramble. I would therefore suggest the following 
 draft scheme : — 
 
 1. A professor of Anthropology, say e.g.* — but 
 my modesty forbids me to particularise, at a salary 
 of ^700 per annum from the Chest. Duties : {a) 
 original research ; {b) sleeping within the sound 
 of Great St. Mary's bell, measured in a straight 
 line with a moderate wind blowing, three nights 
 a week in full term ; alternate Sundays out ; no 
 followers ; (c) the delivery of at least one course 
 of lectures per annum, in September, or such other 
 time as may be most convenient to his class. Of 
 course, if there is no class, he will have to original 
 research and sleep some more. In case of in- 
 somnia, or other disqualification for the duties of 
 Professor, he shall be removable by the Board. 
 
 2. A reader at a salary of ;^2oo per annum, 
 lecture fees, coals and beer. Duties : to do the 
 Professor's work when he is better employed. He 
 shall hold office " dum castus," but shall be 
 removable by fly-sheet. 
 
 * This suggestion may seem at variance with what I have 
 said above as to my ignorance. But I would remind my readers 
 that a great deal may be done by reading. "Ollendorf" as 
 Madam de Stael remarked in one of her happiest moments, 
 "was not a man but a system." In proof, I may add, that 
 I have already made a most valuable discovery. I had just 
 been reading an interesting article proving that the Vestal 
 Virgins were a survival from the time when the king kept a 
 daughter at home to stoke the fire, when it immediately 
 occured to me that we have a similar survival in the middle- 
 class habit of sending out a girl for the evening beer : hence 
 the enforced celibacy of domestic service. I merely quote 
 this as a specimen of what I could do if need be, it is not 
 to be regarded as a claim for Sc.D.
 
 42 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 3. A professor's reader's deputy on a similar 
 understanding. 
 
 4. Chorus of assistants, curators, senior and 
 junior pasters, &c., as determined form time to 
 time by grace of the Senate. 
 
 Then I should require a grant to render my 
 rooms more worthy of this collection and their 
 owner, say ;^ioo +> ^nd if any one think this an 
 inadequate sum, let him remember " much virtue 
 in a pIusV See University Reporter^ passim. For 
 instance, when our scientific brethren require ;^iooo 
 for a corrugated iron vivisection chamber, or 
 some other architectural improvement on King's 
 Parade they submit an estimate of expenses at 
 ^499. 19s. iifd. + ; and we, good easy men, gaily 
 vote placet^ congratulating ourselves on the care 
 with which every farthing has been calculated 
 out, and then when the bill for the odd ;^50o for 
 the building-site or some other unforeseen expense 
 comes in, we have to recognise the fait accompli^ 
 status quo and so forth, as if we were a local 
 variety of the Balkan Peninsula, or the Unspeak- 
 able One himself; till one thinks sometimes of an 
 even greater Senate than ours, and wonders that 
 our victors do not throw an ichthyosaurus into 
 the scales, and stroke our long silky beards, to 
 see, as the barbarian on that historical occasion 
 remarked, if old Wax-works was alive, f 
 
 To return to our subject, I think I have sketched 
 
 fThis was written before we had before us the "Rough 
 Estimate" for the internal fittings of the Chemical Laboratory. 
 I was afraid, until tlien, that it was an exaggeration.
 
 ANTHROPOLOGY FOR AMATEURS. 43 
 
 our more immediate needs, though, of course, one 
 looks forward to the days of an Anthropological 
 Tripos, or rather now that the great principle of 
 an emulsion of different bits of Triposes has been 
 established, we might have one of a AeTraSo-re/Aaxo- 
 Sptfi-avdpwiroXoyiKo character, which, with a flavouring 
 of engineering and three or four languages in the 
 Little-Go, should fit our young men for the Church, 
 the Bar or the Turf, or, at least, should give them 
 some tincture of the higher culture. Floreat 
 Cantabrigia, or in the words of Mr. T. K. Arnold, 
 *' if you and the Boards are well, I am well." 
 
 Facit Indigestio Versum.
 
 THE MAGNIFICENT MAN ; WITH A DIS- 
 QUISITION ON THE VOLUNTARY. 
 
 {Cambridge Review, November 17, 1886). 
 
 Having on a former occasion treated of Great- 
 souledness, let us take another virtue from our 
 list on the Black-board — /, as Pooh Bah might 
 have said, am the Black-board— and discuss 
 Magnificence and the Magnificent Man, who is 
 concerned with the getting and spending of money, 
 but more with the spending than the getting ; 
 the latter he leaves to his friends, knowing that 
 Nature, though she is ever striving to produce 
 a man-child, sometimes makes a bad shot, with 
 the result, maybe, of a grandmother or a maiden 
 aunt. Now, Nature makes nothing wholly in 
 vain. It must not escape our notice that there 
 is another virtue — Liberality — that is concerned 
 with the same objects, but on a smaller scale ; 
 for the Liberal man has to do with small ex- 
 penditure, such as " he often gave a Charity 
 Organisation ticket to a tramp," or with small 
 entertainments, such as " he always came home 
 to tea," and the like ; but those who build chapels 
 and leave succeeding generations to pay for them, 
 we do not call Liberal but rather Magnificent, 
 for there is a greatness about it, as it were a 
 kind of tallness, resulting from the magnitude or 
 even excess of the expenditure. 
 
 44
 
 THE MAGNIFICENT MAN. 45 
 
 Now the man, who exceeds the mean by 
 spending too much and on wrong persons, is 
 the University Commissioner. He also receives 
 whence he ought not, which is the height of 
 Vulgarity ; while he who is in the defect of 
 never being likely to expend a farthing on any- 
 thing, is a sort of Bounder. (Such are the 
 Curmudgeon, the Skinflint, and the Cummin- 
 splitter ; yet they are not wholly depraved, for 
 there is a sort of rugged independence about 
 some of them, and it is supposed that they are 
 thus niggardly for fear of being reduced to take 
 a Readership or open a gin palace.) The Mag- 
 nificent man, on the other hand, expends on the 
 most worthy person he knows ; on himself, there- 
 fore ; and for the most worthy object. And this 
 would appear to be dress, for we clothe ourselves 
 entirely except the head, and the head is not 
 the strong point with the Magnificent, while 
 everyone energises most satisfactorily in that 
 wherein he is most likely to succeed. And if we 
 are inclined to think dress too trivial an object, 
 we must remember that it is probable that the 
 gods enjoy this form of moral action ; indeed it 
 is the only one left them, for it would be absurd 
 if they have a kind of banking account and 
 speculate on the Stock Exchange, or practice 
 any other of the moral excellences. At any rate, 
 the most god-like among men affect a particular 
 style of dress, as being pleasing to the gods, and 
 it is not likely that so eminently respectable a 
 body should have been mistaken all these years.
 
 46 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 Now, a moral waistcoat may be defined as " a 
 habit, resulting from deliberate choice, on our 
 relative middle, measured to order, and as only 
 the practical artist can measure it ; " so that, 
 if it is not a virtue, it is of all things the most 
 akin to it. 
 
 In the above definition there are several hard 
 words, and as young men are apt to live too 
 much in accordance with their passions, it will 
 be a wholesome corrective for them to read the 
 following disquisition, just as a harmless lunatic, 
 when he sets about straightening a crooked stick, 
 bends it over the other way to bring up the 
 average. Let us clear the ground then with 
 regard to the word deliberation, for we cannot be 
 said to deliberate about everything ; as for ex- 
 ample, we do not deliberate about impossibilities, 
 such as understanding the latest regulations for 
 the Previous ; nor about what depends on nature 
 or mere chance, such as storms and foreign 
 politics ; nor even about everything which depends 
 on human agency, as, for example, how the 
 Egyptians shall get a good Constitution no English- 
 man deliberates, but rather how we shall get 
 our dividends ; for an Englishman's deliberation 
 is concerned with means, and where there are 
 none or they are inadequate (as, for example, in 
 the bestowal of a daughter), he desists, writes a 
 letter to The Times, and retires to a well-earned 
 repose. There remains then as the sphere of 
 deliberation, that which is practicable for us. 
 
 Again, choice implies freedom of action and a
 
 THE MAGNIFICENT MAN. 47 
 
 knowledge of the difficult relations of the Voluntary 
 and the Involuntary ; we will only, however, 
 touch on the one aspect of the question, which 
 causes most searchings of heart, for there are 
 certain actions which are involuntary in themselves 
 but become v9luntary in the particular circum- 
 stances and for the sake of honour ; as, for 
 example, if a tyrant had our wife and family in 
 his power, and offered to put them out of their 
 misery on condition of our wearing turned-down 
 collars or acting unseemly, our refusal must still 
 be call voluntary^ for though we could not help 
 grieving (if we are flesh and blood), we should 
 disregard the pain in the consciousness of the 
 victory over self and the good of mankind. (There 
 are, indeed, cases where no amount of constraint 
 should make us yield, for the reasons that made 
 Mr. Weller's friend cut off his little boy's head 
 to cure him, as he said, of squinting, though 
 aesthetically correct, to the moralist appear in- 
 adequate.) Such actions, on the other hand, as 
 we perform when drunk seem plainly voluntary, 
 for the beginning lay with us ; we might have 
 declined the polite invitation of the Master and 
 
 Fellows of College ; but having once 
 
 come, it is no longer in our power. Accordingly, 
 those persons who cannot lie on the floor without 
 holding on, if such incapacity is congenital, or 
 they assert it to be the result of illness, for which 
 they are not responsible, we pity ; but if it is 
 induced by dining, we should, perhaps, rather 
 blame. But how far a man may go before he
 
 48 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 becomes blame-worthy it is not easy to define 
 in words, any more than in the Jerry-Builder's 
 Art ; for some things are matters of perception. 
 Such young men are not apt students of philo- 
 sophy. Nor is ignorance of general principles 
 sufficient to constitute involuntariness, as, for 
 instance, the man who put his head down a 
 catapult to see what became of the shot became, 
 too late, " discrete." For things which happen 
 one way by nature you cannot accustom to happen 
 otherwise by running your head against them 
 ten thousand times ; for example, you cannot 
 by practice teach a stone to fall upwards, nor, 
 says Aristotle, fire burn downwards. This last 
 feat, however, by dint of untiring practice and 
 the aid of Messrs. Lambert and Butler (and what 
 is done through the instrumentality of one's friends 
 is done by oneself, in a certain sense) I have 
 accomplished. It is difficult — all beautiful things 
 are difficult — but it is not impossible. The investi- 
 gation was distasteful to me, for the peripatetic 
 philosopher is a great friend of mine ; still Truth 
 and the Ethics both being dear, it seemed a 
 sacred duty to prefer the cheaper publication. 
 Nor, again, are actions involuntary because we 
 are constrained to them by the promptings of 
 Virtue, for, if Virtue, Duty, and the other capital 
 letters were enough to produce that result, all 
 our actions — I speak as an M.A. — would be in- 
 voluntarv, which does not seem to be the case. 
 It was with some such idea as this that a certain 
 Seriphian, in his impudent way, said to Themis-
 
 THE MAGNIFICENT MAN. 
 
 49 
 
 tocles : " You wouldn't be such a model of the 
 virtues if you were an undergraduate." " Nor 
 you," answered the astute politician, " if you 
 were a Proctor." Or can it be that actions are 
 involuntary in Cambridge, but become more volun- 
 tary as we recede from that centre of intellectual 
 life ? And yet it is strange if fifty miles of un- 
 interesting country have such an influence on life. 
 This is an airopia. 
 
 Let so much have seen said concerning these 
 matters, and, if we have made but small progress, 
 let us attribute it to the indefiniteness of the 
 subject matter, and return to the Magnificent 
 man, who is a kind of Sportsman, for he has to 
 disburse vast sums in a manner at once becoming 
 to himself and galling to his friends. Hence it 
 is not easy for any but the great, such as tyrants 
 and fellow-commoners, to be truly magnificent, for 
 the sub-sizar cannot spend large amounts day by 
 day without subsequent foolishness ; and he who 
 attempts it is a misguided youth. But perhaps 
 we should strive to be as magnificent as we can 
 with the means at our disposal, just as the good 
 cook makes the best possible turtle from the given 
 conger. The Magnificent man will observe a due 
 proportion in his expenditure, for example, a bottle 
 of Chateau Wagga-Wagga (orders for which may 
 be booked at the Colinderies), though it has a 
 certain magnificence at a lunch for two, where 
 the guest's lips are sealed, would be out of place 
 in the Combination Room. Those who exceed 
 the due mean are the Vulgar, like the Megarians 
 
 D
 
 50 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 at Aberdeen, who introduce Undergraduates into 
 the Senate House wearing red gowns, whereas we 
 know that ordinary men should wear red only in 
 the hunting-field, in obedience to the lex tallyonis 
 (a chance equivocal for which I must apologise), 
 the dvTirreTrov^os of the Pythagoreans. This is 
 what we philosophers call corrective or be-done- 
 by-as-you-did justice. If you want distributive 
 justice, you must apply the formula : " As the 
 man is to the fox, so is the man's coat to the 
 fox's coat ; but whether the answer comes out in 
 men or foxes depends on the Higher Mathematic, 
 and is, therefore, beyond the sphere of deliberation. 
 This is the justice exclusively employed in mercan- 
 tile transactions in the Piraeus. Doctors, however, 
 may wear red in the Senate House and for the 
 sake of honour ; and we may perhaps say that 
 the latest invented Doctors' hoods have scaled 
 the dizziest heights of Magnificence. " Neither 
 the evening nor the morning star, it is thought, 
 is so wonderful ; " and the Delian inscription : 
 
 Neat but not gaudy, 
 Elegant but not expensive. 
 
 in this connection seems to express but a half-truth. 
 The Magnificent man is a little apt to look 
 down on those who do not cultivate this virtue, 
 often quoting the words of Homer : 
 
 He grew up like a stick by the side of his reverend mother. 
 
 He does not value what is held in honour by the 
 common herd ; not but what he would accept 
 the Premiership or the Archbishopric of Canter-
 
 THE MAGNIFICENT MAN. 5I 
 
 bury, if it were offered him as a mark of honour 
 by a grateful country, but he does not lay himself 
 out for them. Indeed, in his heart he despises 
 them as the sordid prizes of degrading work. 
 If his motives are misunderstood, he will say he 
 is proud to be caviare to the general, forgetting 
 that the General is apt to be caviare to him. 
 After a misfortune of this kind he remarks that 
 " he cannot be expected to remember all he 
 learned in the archonship of Euclid," for from 
 his superior height he is apt to confuse the per- 
 spective of historical characters. He is not sure 
 whether Oceana is in prose or verse (which of us 
 is ?), but has a vague idea that it was written 
 by Mr. Froude, or one of those intellectual 
 Johnnies, as he calls them. That he is not alto- 
 gether unread in History, however, may be 
 gathered from his frequent appeals to Moses as 
 the type of Oriental Magnificence. The Mag- 
 nificent man does not often stray into a Tripos, 
 to give the Muses something to plough, as Pindar 
 sings. On the contrary, in the words of a later 
 poet, " his heart is true to his Poll ; " and his 
 Poll is true to him with an ever fresh faithfulness 
 surpassing the love of woman. He does not 
 think very highly even of marriage, remarking, 
 with a smile, that, thanks to the gods and a 
 robust complexion of body, he does not yet require 
 a nurse — and that after he has been refused three 
 times. He is a good Conservative, and speaks 
 irreverently of Soup-kitchens and Agricultural 
 Distress.
 
 52 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 Let this suffice to have described roughly and 
 in outline the Magnificent man, for any one can 
 fill in what has been correctly sketched. At any 
 rate, that is how the other arts and the invention 
 of Triposes have made such gigantic strides. And 
 the saying of Anaxagoras is at length fulfilled : 
 " All things were in a muddle till Mind came and 
 arranged sections A to E." There are, however, 
 two aTTopiat, or difficulties, connected with the 
 subject, which we must raise. For a young man 
 of an enquiring turn of mind might question why 
 it is that the Magnificent throng the ante-chambers 
 of Deans, whereas Deans are not often seen at 
 the doors of the Magnificent. Can it be that it 
 is more beautiful to be a Dean than a Magnificent 
 man ? or is that absurd on the face of it, and 
 we should rather say with the philosopher that 
 the one knows what is good for him and the 
 other doesn't ? or, again, is it an involuntary act, 
 to which the Magnificent contribute nothing but 
 the movement of their organic legs ? Again, should 
 we call the Magnificent happy, while he lives, 
 or with Solon " wait for the end ? " For it is 
 possible to dress correctly for the best part of 
 one's life, and then to marry and rear a family 
 with the abandon of a Priam, and no one would 
 call such a person happy, unless he were a Political 
 Economy Coach defending a paradox — or syllabus, 
 as he would call it. Yet surely it is ridiculous to 
 refuse him the title when he is in the enjoyment 
 of his Magnificence, and then, when he is dead 
 and, let us say, buried, to offer our felicitations.
 
 THE MAGNIFICENT MAN. 53 
 
 May we, perhaps, conclude — remembering that we 
 are but mortals — -that he who never wears elastic- 
 side boots and shall die as per programme aforesaid, 
 is blessed — but a blessed Masher ?
 
 CAMBRIDGE AS SHE IS VISITED. 
 
 "FAMILIAR DIALOGUES AND IDIOTISMS." 
 
 {Cambridge Review, December 5, 1886). 
 /. I^or to buy the Billet. 
 
 Commissioner, where buys one's self a billet ? 
 
 By the slit, sir. 
 
 Here is *' all trains North from Peterborough ; 
 East from Colney Hatch ; to Hatfield conclusively." 
 Where is my Maps' Atlas ? Demon ! this map is 
 on Mercator's Projection. I can not to understand 
 him. It must to endeavour one's self. Sir, I wish 
 a billet at Cambridge ; how much is he ? 
 
 Four shellings seven pennies and half. 
 
 Here is a doubloon and three pistoles. 
 
 Next window. 
 
 The clerk has shuted the bureau's opening as 
 a blusterer ; you have not sanded my dog's billet. 
 
 //. By the plateform. 
 
 Have you the every baggages ? the trunk, the 
 fishing-wands, and the hat sbox ? 
 
 Yes, sir, I have its. 
 
 How long before the convoy depart ? 
 
 A quarter hour's. 
 
 I will lunch myself one's. A glass of sour, my 
 dear. (This bar's maid is engaged one's self in 
 
 54
 
 CAMBRIDGE AS SHE IS VISITED. 55 
 
 familiar dialogues and idiotisms. It is haughty.) 
 Have you any pullet, Miss ? Give me immediately 
 a stick's drum, some bosom and the lights inwards 
 on a proper plate ; also a lamprey, any garlic, 
 some citrons and a bottle of the Oporto wine. 
 Hark, the Guardsman who puffs his horn. " All 
 the world to the vehicle." Here is a bill of 
 exchange. 
 
 ///. Ai the wagon. 
 
 Sir, you must not to fume. 
 
 Why not, sir ? 
 
 It is not a fuming's box ; she is at the train's end. 
 
 But, sir, she is many multiplied of women and 
 children. 
 
 It must to do one's duty. 
 
 Here is a schelling. 
 
 It is all right, sir. Will you also a shawl, the 
 day's leaf, and her Punches paper ? 
 
 No, thank you, sir, I will not to fall to sleep. 
 Have you perhaps some heated water's tins ? 
 
 By your leave, sir. 
 
 Demon ! that is my toe's end. Here are the 
 Billet-gatherer, the Puncher, the Lamp Slighter, 
 the Overlooker, the Stevedore, the Head's Station, 
 the Supercargo, and the Man-at-arms in a three- 
 cocked hat, holding the bare sword. What will 
 you, gentlemen ? 
 
 Sir, this is a wagon at first classes voyagers ; 
 you can not to voyage in her. 
 
 I will to pay a supplement by Cambridge. See 
 the Hammerer and the Greaser who assay the
 
 55 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 wheels. The Engine-rider has mounted one's self. 
 We prick. 
 
 IV. In route. 
 
 Sir, are you sportman ? 
 
 Yes, sir, I play Picquet, Pope Joan, Ombre, 
 Quince and Quadrille. 
 
 Know you also to play the little joke at Three 
 Cards ? 
 
 No, sir, I have not seen him among the Espag- 
 nishmen, the Turcos or the Swisses. 
 
 Mister is clever voyager ; he will soon learn. 
 See, I take the Trefoil's Dame, the Pike Three 
 and the Heart Six. Here is a honest Farmer. 
 He wagers to divine the Dame. He has achieved. 
 Alas, that I am a foolish ! I lose my money. Now, 
 sir, will you to wager ? 
 
 With zest, sir ; here is a moidore. 
 
 That is not the Dame ; she is the Three ; but, 
 sir, you shall try again. Fortune is seemed to 
 some other womens what I know ; she is changable 
 and too ficklish. 
 
 I perceive, sir, you are gallant man ; you are no 
 doubt so fortunate with the beautiful sex than by 
 the cards' game. 
 
 Sir, you do to rouge me. I not boast what to 
 be more lucky as some perfumed little-masters of 
 the age ; but it owes not to recount the histories 
 outside the lyceum. Now, sir, it delays you to 
 win back your loss, and, as tell us other Englishes, 
 " do some hay, during the sun sparkle." 
 
 Here is my watch of Englishes make at the 
 crow-bar, valuable from ten ducats.
 
 CAMBRIDGE AS SHE IS VISITED. 57 
 
 She is not more worthier three lewis ! She is 
 in retard, she is foundered. 
 
 Alas, how I am not so fortunate than the country- 
 man; I have lost again. Here is Cambridge. Do 
 you descend ? 
 
 No, sir, we continue to Newmarket. 
 
 Good morning, gentlemen. 
 
 V. For to see the sights. 
 Gentleman is a stranger ? is it permitted one's 
 self to guide him? 
 
 Sir, I am delighted ; I love too much some 
 quaint old towns, so are they picturesque. 
 
 Yes, sir, here is the tramway, the Jerry Buildings, 
 the Post Office, the Skating Cercle, the asphalto 
 pavement, and the Improvement Boarding. 
 Have you not also any Colleges ? 
 Yes, sir, but we will not to show its. The plan 
 of their architectures is antique, their buildings 
 proportions harmonious, and the altogether gracious. 
 Its were builded from men, which loved beauty so 
 much than use — thing too reprehensible in the 
 illuminated age. 
 
 And the students to which studies apply their- 
 selves ? 
 
 Such and such learnings: 
 the latin 
 the greek 
 the jew 
 the metallurgy 
 the upper mathematics 
 the doctors' commons 
 the enthymem, etc.
 
 58 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 Stay, sir, here is a fine edifice with some pretty 
 cohimns and a imposing fagade. Is he perhaps 
 the Hotel of the Town, the Purse or the Exchange ? 
 
 Alas, no, sir, it is the Fitz-William. It oughted 
 to have builded one's self with yellow brick, with 
 pointings of red and black over his windows for 
 a relievo. It is shamful, it is a eye-smart. 
 
 It regrets me who I spoke. See again, what 
 huge boots-manufactory ! 
 
 No, sir, you have wrong again. He is the 
 Technical Museum of Comparative Stratiology — 
 very magnificent. Which bricks ! which slates ! 
 which elegance ! which voluptuousness ! 
 
 See, there is an escutcheon over his door's way. 
 Which is he ? 
 
 He is the achievement arms of the New Uni- 
 versity. 
 
 Can you to decipher him ? I am not too learned 
 in Heraldry. 
 
 Yes, sir : A University married and proper, 
 beaked and pocketed o)', seme with fads and 
 crotchets, preying on a College vert ; hir crest is 
 a Syndicate passant regardant ; she has also sup- 
 porters, two Workshops rampant. 
 
 Has she also a legend motto ? 
 
 Yes sir, their Horatio verses : " O matre abna 
 filia almior.'^ 
 
 Liberaui animam meam. Nolo episcopari. 
 
 H. R. Tottenham.
 
 JUBILATE. 
 
 (Eagle, June 1887). 
 
 Dedication to the Editoiirs of the EAGLE. 
 
 The Authour in venturing before the Publick hopes 
 that the exiguity of his Merit may be equalled 
 — if that be not a presumptuous prayer — by the 
 greatness of your Clemency. Your Lordships' 
 fame for Learning, Piety, a judicious Patronage, 
 and an open-handed Generosity bids him hope 
 that his Academic Muse, in her first flight amid 
 the rarer heights of Poesy, may find in you the 
 Winged Steed, which shall subdue the tri-formed 
 Monster of her own Shortcomings, the Publick 
 Disdain, and the Rapacity of our modern Sosii; 
 that the Mediocrity of her Charms may be for- 
 gotten in the Majesty of her Theme and the 
 Splendour of her Patronage. 
 
 Ojie Bird is best^^^ the blind old Chian cried. 
 To shed for Fatherland the crimson tide. 
 One Bird is best, all Johnians agree, 
 To hymn our Monarch and her Jubilee. 
 Th' Imperial Eagle, proud her sway to own, 
 Grovels recumbent 'neath th' Imperial throne. 
 But who am I such glories to rehearse 
 
 * Efs oZwi/is &pL<7Tos dfiijveadai. irepl irdrp-qs. For the above 
 rendering I am indebted to the College Examination passim. 
 
 59
 
 6o CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 And dim their brightness in a purblind verse ? 
 
 Like the gilt emblem on Neiv Buildmgs seen 
 
 I strive to soar above Earth's carpet green ; 
 
 Anon, eyes dazzled by such Majesty 
 
 Droop a lame pinion and forget to fly. 
 
 Not mine to sing of horrid War^s alarms, 
 
 Not mine to sing the triumphs of our arms ; 
 
 Though few our Warriors, such their giant thews 
 
 That pu7iy Millions tremble in their shoes. 
 
 Peaceful we check the Muscovite advance, 
 
 With undrawn sword the godless hordes of France. 
 
 Then, bold, prepared to conquer or to die, 
 
 Mow down scorch'd Soudan'' s naked chivalry. 
 
 Mine rather be to tell the peaceful years ; 
 
 The cornland swaying with her golden ears ; 
 
 The thrice-blessed Agriculturists, for they 
 
 No Rent, no Tithes, no Taxes soon will pay ; 
 
 The March of Education through the Land, 
 
 The learned Ploughboy and the lectured Hand. 
 
 Yet still too vast the Theme appears for me, 
 
 Still let me narrow my Phylactery. 
 
 Ambition^ s Ladder pointing to the Sky 
 
 Lures mortals upward but to climb and die ; 
 
 So the Batrachian lost life's marshy good 
 
 In vain attempts at bovine amplitude ; 
 
 And, striving still the larger joy to gain. 
 
 Died of a cow in apoplectic pain. 
 
 Then draw we closer still th' encircling ring, 
 
 A son of Cambridge let me Cambridge sing. 
 
 Mark we the changes in our Ancient Town, 
 While fifty summers pass o'er England'' s Crown,
 
 JUBILATE. 6l 
 
 No Girton then far reared her modest head ; 
 
 No Newnham bolder marked the Backs with red ; 
 
 No Ridley nursed 'neath elms' umbrageous green 
 
 The lisping Bishop and the prattling Dean. 
 
 No lost iota in proud Selwyn's scroll 
 
 Watched like the Pleiad happier sisters roll. 
 
 No slipp'ry Asphalt echoed to the feet, 
 
 No plunging cab-horse rinked the public street. 
 
 So amid Arctic ice the polar bear \ 
 
 Shuffles ungainly to his polar lair ; l 
 
 Horror uplifts the sailor's prickly hair. J 
 
 No Cambridge Locals spread from town to town, 
 
 And Index Numher was a name unknown ; 
 
 Not yet had entered man's still guileless soul 
 
 Left-hand-top-corner's neatly punctured hole. 
 
 And, worst of all, not yet aesthetic eyes 
 
 With rapture marked a gamboge Bridge of Sighs. 
 
 So have I seen o'er Zankles storied straits 
 
 A mellow saffron flood the Sunset gates ; 
 
 Calabria's mountains the soft splendour own, 
 
 And yellower grows white Reggio's dotted town : 
 
 Such have I viewed an Anglo-Indian old. 
 
 Whose lurid guineas paled their sallow gold. 
 
 Now all is changed ; as Time's stream onward flows. 
 Our Morals soften and our Learning grows. 
 The Theban riddle is fulfilled in us, 
 Nor need we more a modern OEdipus. 
 Four-foot we crawled weak infants on the floor ; 
 Two-footed next learned Love's delusive lore ; 
 Then, still progressive in great Nature's plan, 
 Steps forth the glorious three-foot Tripos Alan.
 
 62 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 The ancient tongues of Athens and of Rome 
 
 Now echo purely in their Wester7i home ; 
 
 Mncaiilayh schoolboy in true accent drones 
 
 Great TtiUy^s wisdom in great Tiilly^s tones. 
 
 Th' unconscious Organ must th' improvement share, 
 
 And Wox-oomahnah wings the heavenward prayer. 
 
 No secrets now Imagination rack, 
 
 No loves of Algae on the Tortoise' back ; 
 
 No Liisitanian caves their wealth amass, 
 
 (Three celts, a rubbing of a Christian brass,) 
 
 But some bold Briton robs the treasure stored. 
 
 And Worts' Foundation wins the splendid hoard. 
 
 Ornithorhynchns, named of Paradox, 
 
 Claims his commodious if unsightly box, 
 
 And, like the antique traveller, can own 
 
 An upper-chamber when he comes to town ; 
 
 Conscious display his meroblastic feat. 
 
 While Lightning messages his prowess greet. 
 
 Do softer thoughts steal on the Student's breast. 
 
 The same kind friends assuage his heart's unrest, 
 
 What time they mark wath scarce dissembled pride 
 
 A Travelling Bachelor and his Travelling Bride. 
 
 Where cold Sarmatia spreads her cloak of snow, 
 
 A son of Johi's — where will not JoJmians go ? — 
 
 Essays t' unravel Naturch tangled skein. 
 
 And trace their denizens from Lake to Main ; 
 
 The finny brood grow salt by slow degrees, 
 
 And pickled salmon swim th' astounded seas. 
 
 If such the Past, what shall the Future see ? 
 Research and Learning, Peace and Harmony ! 
 Then bold Biologists — adventurous brood ! —
 
 JUBILATE. 63 
 
 Crossing unscathed the intervening road, 
 
 Geology s fair self, no longer coy, 
 
 Kind shall invite to petrologic joy. 
 
 While they, full fain to roll the friendly log, 
 
 Dissect again the vivisected dog. 
 
 A loving ardour fans the mutual flame, 
 
 Diverse their methods, but their end the same. 
 
 So Galatea — biologic prize — 
 
 Sighed into life and opened wond'ring eyes ; 
 
 The Sculptor found, as those sweet lips he kissed, 
 
 Sermons in stones, and turned Geologist. 
 
 [Where were ye. Nymphs ? or by Aonian rill. 
 
 In Tempers vale or on the Castle Hill? 
 
 When Downing-siters issued from their lair, 
 
 And pealing placets hurtled through the air ; 
 
 The others sinking down the stream of fate, 
 
 Though Nymphs admire them nor the Muses hate. 
 
 Like to some traveller in an Arctic night. 
 
 Gaze on the glories of the Northern Light.'] 
 
 Astonied Nature marks the onward course, 
 
 And Cai7i flows upward — slightly — to his source. 
 
 The foes of Cambridge at the sight may grieve, 
 
 Hebrew Apella listens to believe. 
 
 If with such strides the Age shall still progress, \ 
 
 Soon Vice her rugged front cowed shall repress, l 
 
 And Virtue reign in hideous nakedness. ) 
 
 sat iubilatumst : plaudite.
 
 MR. ALMUS PATER. 
 
 {Cambridge Review, February i, 1888). 
 
 One day, when Harry Sandford and Tommy 
 Merton had been more than usually virtuous, their 
 kind preceptor, Mr. Barlow, addressed them as 
 follows : " Masters Harry and Tommy, virtue is 
 indeed its own reward, as I see by the glow of 
 conscious pride on your open countenances ; still, 
 to mark my sense of your good conduct, I propose 
 to relate to you, if you have not already heard 
 it, the diverting history of Mr. Almus Pater and 
 his Happy Family." The lads having suitably 
 expressed their deep sense of obligation, and pre- 
 pared their pencils and notebooks, the reverend 
 gentleman thus commenced : 
 
 " It would seem — at least so his biographer 
 relates — that this Mr. Almus Pater was a widowed 
 gentleman of ample means and considerable literary 
 attainments, who was the idol of a country town 
 (the name of which I am not at liberty to disclose), 
 for not only did he raise it to the highest pinnacle 
 of fame by his residence, but his numerous sons 
 formed the staple industry of the many honest 
 tradesmen and worthy mechanics of the place. 
 But I am anticipating ; I should have premised 
 that his lamented lady, after dwelhng with him in 
 the greatest reciprocal happiness for many years, 
 had left behind her not only a numerous family 
 
 64
 
 MR. ALMUS PATER. 65 
 
 of sons as pledges of their mutual affection, but 
 also a considerable sum of money, on which indeed 
 it was rumoured the estimable gentleman subsisted. 
 In one point alone could the most cynical have 
 counted her influence as evil, for she had been 
 unfortunately bred in the Romish Church, to which 
 also Mr. Pater had conformed in his youth, a 
 Church I need hardly tell you, my young friends, 
 as far removed from the practice of true piety 
 on the one side as are in the other extreme the 
 soulless Materialism, the selfish Aestheticism and 
 the thinly-veiled Pantheism, through which our 
 Beautiful World is now passing. (You need not, 
 my dear Harry, say ' Amen,' as we are not in a 
 sacred edifice.) The competence thus secured to 
 the subject of our memoir enabled him to devote 
 his time to the education of his sons, some of 
 whom still remained at home to carry on the 
 management of the establishment and the spread 
 of culture, while more had left the paternal roof 
 to disseminate the truths of the Reformed Church 
 or the niceties of Law among a grateful people. 
 In such a home of Learning and Virtue all should 
 have been peace, but it must be regretted that 
 there was some dissension among the younger 
 members of the household. The more sprightly 
 were for ever admonishing their father (who had 
 indeed been somewhat slothful in his middle life) 
 to act more in consonance with the movements of 
 the times. ' There are,' they would urge, ' many 
 honest savages, whose languages you do not teach, 
 while the professions of the Plasterer and the 
 
 E
 
 66 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 Knacker are still unrepresented and unrewarded 
 in your scheme.' To one who did not know his 
 kindliness and singleness of purpose, it would have 
 been somewhat laughable to see the old gentle- 
 man's attempts to adopt the latest fashions and 
 to practise manual employments, for which he 
 was not by nature fitted. He also welcomed many 
 learned men from foreign parts, who came to 
 spread the knowledge of their arts and languages. 
 ' For,' said the worthy man, ' what would be 
 thought of a father, who should launch his son 
 into the world without an adequate knowledge of 
 Moeso-Gothic or the uses of the fret-saw ? With 
 the former he could hold converse with any bar- 
 barous tribe on whose shores he might be cast ; 
 in the latter he would find a pleasing occupation 
 and a fruitful source of income even amid a 
 nation of benighted idol-worshippers. Nay, he 
 might in time aspire himself to the rank of a 
 tribal god. ('I protest,' interrupted Tommy eagerly, 
 ' that such a position, did it not involve a loss of 
 religious privileges, might compare not unfavour- 
 ably with that of my father and other county 
 gentlemen, or even (dropping his voice) of the 
 Nobility itself. It is your teachings, my dear tutor, 
 that have thus humbled your once haughty Tommy, 
 and shown him the true position of a man of 
 fashion.' Mr. Barlow repressed his emotion, and 
 continued reading.) After such pregnant sayings, 
 Mr. Pater applied himself with renewed ardour 
 to a work on Double Entry, and a precise treatise 
 on the Variations in the price of Jute from the
 
 MR. ALMUS PATER. 67 
 
 most remote Epochs. ' For,' said he, ' I must 
 encourage the Arts.' 
 
 " We must now leave the palatial mansion of 
 Mr. Pater, and pass in imagination to the humbler 
 abode of Mrs. Hypatia, a widowed lady, and her 
 many daughters, who charmed a numerous circle 
 of acquaintance, alike by the modesty of their 
 demeanour and the soundness of tiieir judgment. 
 ' Those of you, my young friends,' continued Mr. 
 Barlow, ' who have been mothers, will realise this 
 lady's anxiety for the future of her interesting 
 family. She had long thought of Mr, Pater as 
 the possible prop and mainstay of her bereave- 
 ment, but with her many virtues she combined 
 astuteness of no common order ; she perceived 
 therefore that a direct offer of marriage to one, 
 with whom she was not acquainted, might fail 
 to secure her object, especially as in return for 
 wealth, position and learning she had but little to 
 offer, save that deeper seriousness, which dis- 
 tinguished the best of the women and even some 
 of the men of that age. She determined therefore 
 to advance more cautiously. It was soon rumoured 
 in genteel circles that an eligible tenant had been 
 found for a modest house abutting on the high 
 road along which Mr. Pater and his sons had 
 frequent occasion to pass in their journeys to 
 the Metropolis ; and it was not long before that 
 gentleman received a courteous note, the writer 
 of which pleading the neglected education of her 
 children, begged him to allow such of his sons 
 as had no more pressing engagement to assist in
 
 68 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 remedying that defect. ' The distance between our 
 homes,' she added, ' is sufficient guarantee that I 
 do not wish to intrude.' From such beginnings 
 arose an acquaintanceship between the two famiHes, 
 whose fond parents regarded the ripening intimacy, 
 one with the guilelessness of our innocent sex, 
 the other with all the ingenuousness of Widowed 
 Motherhood. This point once gained, Mrs. Hypatia 
 proceeded to secure a house in closer proximity 
 to her friend, and, when comfortably settled, she 
 wrote to him again, suggesting that their nearer 
 neighbourhood might warrant a more intimate 
 friendship ; she would be happy therefore to re- 
 ceive invitations to those delightful entertainments, 
 whither (she understood) the Wit, Fashion and 
 Beauty of the neighbourhood resorted, to avail 
 herself of such books and other educational appli- 
 ances as his house afforded ; to grace with her 
 lady-daughters his hospitable table ; and she hinted 
 even a complete identification of the two families 
 would meet with but a feeble opposition on her 
 part. Her daughters were divided as to the merits 
 of this epistle, some holding that if it erred at 
 all, it was in a certain incompleteness and lack 
 of confidence (so natural to the sex); the other 
 part would fain have awaited a more pressing 
 invitation from their venerable benefactor. Mr. 
 Pater read this letter without surprise, for the 
 manners of that age included a directness of 
 appeal, which we are losing all too fast, and after 
 much deliberation made reply that he would be 
 happy to place at her disposal all that was necessary
 
 MR. ALMUS PATER. 6g 
 
 to promote the education of her family, in whom 
 he was deeply interested ; that he had given his 
 servants the strictest orders to admit them when- 
 ever they were disposed to study ; his house, 
 however, he added, seeing that he and his sons 
 had so long lived the life of bachelors, was subject 
 to such draughts and other inconveniences as 
 could not fail to incommode a lady so tenderly 
 nurtured, nor could so humble a dwelling hope to 
 vie with the splendid pile which she was no 
 doubt intending to erect for her own comfort and 
 the admiration of all beholders. So churlish an 
 answer would have damped the ardour of many 
 a lady, but Mrs. Hypatia was of an infinite 
 patience. She now set herself to gain the ad- 
 herence of such of the old gentlemen's sons as 
 seemed most handy to her purpose, and when 
 she imagined she might thus secure her end, she 
 wrote yet another letter, wherein she pointed out 
 firmly, but not unkindly, that the attentions of 
 Mr. Pater and his sons to her and her daughters 
 had not escaped the observation of a censorious 
 world ; matters, therefore, could not remain as 
 they were ; ' it is true,' she proceeded, ' that you 
 have accorded me many privileges, for which I 
 am doubtless deeply grateful, but then how insecure 
 the tenure! The very salaried menials who to-day 
 admit me may at a word from you to-morrow 
 bar my entry. I am, in fact, in your house but 
 not of it. Nor is this all ; I may indeed roam 
 at will through your spacious parlour and your 
 well-appointed library, but will it be believed, I
 
 70 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 have no right of entry to your kitchen ? I cannot 
 order your sumptuous repasts, I may not even 
 appoint or dismiss a single secretary or lackey. 
 In short, my position in your household is most 
 anomalous. Think of the establishment of Mr. 
 O'Shea across the Channel, or of Mr. Owen in 
 our midst. Had I honoured them instead of you 
 with my presence, they would have welcomed me 
 as one of the family. ("It must, however, be 
 remembered," added Mr. Barlow, " that these two 
 gentlemen did not reside at home.") In begging 
 you, therefore, to admit me to perfect equality, I 
 would ask you to trust that I am actuated only 
 by the most sincere belief that such a course will 
 be to my advantage. P.S. — Such, however, is my 
 spirit of self-sacrifice that if you really set store 
 by such trifles, I will leave the arrangements of 
 the domestic details in your hands until we know 
 each other better.' She then wrote to those of 
 Mr. Pater's sons who had left their father's home, 
 begging their assistance in her project, for, she 
 argued, they at least will feel a quite unselfish 
 pleasure in regulating the domestic economy of 
 their dearly loved progenitor. Nor did she hope 
 in vain, for many of these good men wrote back : 
 ' We, the undersigned, having heard that Mrs. 
 Hypatia is presenting a petition to you, which 
 we have not seen, desire to express our entire 
 sympathy with the sentiments therein contained, 
 and we trust that your generosity will grant so 
 moderate a request.' They then proceeded to 
 distrain for tithe with that inward satisfaction,
 
 MR. ALMUS PATER. 7I 
 
 which only the consciousness of duty done can 
 afford our fallen race. Nor was this all. ' What 
 Mr. Pater might refuse to his own sons,' thought 
 our petitioner, ' he surely could not deny to the 
 prayers of a Peer of the Realm, a Baronet, a 
 Major-General, a Painter, a Convicted Prisoner.' 
 And to many such she made appeal. ' Honoured 
 Madam,' they replied with one accord, * if you are 
 convinced that your interests would be subserved 
 by joining the establishment of the worthy Mr. 
 Pater, it would be heartless in us to refuse your 
 simple wishes.' One who had lent his sword to 
 his country added further : ' The service, my dear 
 madam, is going to the dogs, owing to the imper- 
 tinent meddlesomeness of men, who know not a 
 musket from a bastion.' " 
 
 " And did these ingenious measures succeed ? " 
 asked Master Merton. " Of the result of the Ex- 
 periment," answered Mr. Barlow, " I can tell you 
 nothing, for the rest of the manuscript (which 
 would doubtless have equally repaid perusal) has 
 been destroyed, whether by the agency of time or 
 to satisfy the passions of a tobacco-loving age, I 
 know not." '* Your use of the term expeviment 
 reminds me, my dear sir," said Tommy, "that 
 you have often said that such, though they afford 
 much innocent satisfaction to the ingenious operator 
 and the worthy bystanders, are yet fraught with 
 the most excruciating agony — nay even death 
 itself — to the harmless victim quivering beneath 
 the scalpel." " Indeed, it is so," rejoined the 
 clergyman, " but what, my dear Tommy, if those
 
 72 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 pangs which you so feelingl}^ describe, be the 
 occasion of heartfelt mirth and sohd instruction to 
 many honest persons, who thereby attain positions 
 of honour and affluence ? Does not this com- 
 pensate for the sufferings of the victim, however 
 innocent, nay even serviceable to mankind it may 
 have been ? " 
 
 H. AND Tommy.
 
 A GRAMMARIAN'S VALENTINE. 
 
 (Eagle, March 1889). 
 
 Cantabius to Girtonia sends greeting, 
 
 May the tide of her good fortune never ebb ; 
 
 I was writing (mark the tense) to crave a meeting, 
 Co//. Div. foil. Cantabrigiae Id. Feb. 
 
 O listen to my verba dec/araiidi, 
 
 My heart's appeal indeed you may not shirk ; 
 Bethink you of the charming casus dandi, 
 
 A dative of the contemp/ated work. 
 
 Could you see the love with which my bosom's 
 seething, 
 You never could remain so cold and coy. 
 But you'd grant me with those gentle lips' soft 
 breathing 
 One small sy//abic augment of my joy. 
 
 Then O forget there's such a verb as nego ! 
 
 Or else I shall go mad I do aver, 
 For uxor seems the feminine of ego, 
 
 And /iberi the plural of /iber. 
 
 Our joy shall be one long continuous present — 
 A thought to make an ardent lover rave ! — 
 
 When I change X^n^ future optative unpleasant 
 For the perfect (vide Arno/d) tense with have. 
 
 73
 
 74 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 As Lydia said, I'll live and perish tecum^ 
 No jealousy our bliss shall e'er disturb ; 
 
 Then rise and don the veil and vade mecum — 
 A church the goal of motion of the verb. 
 
 If you flout me, still I'll think upon you daily, 
 Your gracious form although I may not see ; 
 
 I scarce can bring my pen to trace out '* vale " ; 
 Believe me ever yours, 
 
 Redundant Mt^.
 
 LETTERS TO LECTURERS. 
 
 {Cambridge Review, October ^i, 1889). 
 
 X— TO DR. V-RR-LL. 
 
 Dear Doctor V-rr-ll, 
 
 When I first came up to Cambridge, you were, 
 I believe, practising at the bar, and to us freshman, 
 were known chiefly as one of the immortal bracket, 
 B-tch-r, P-ge, V-rr-ll, which gave the highest 
 satisfaction to all with the possible exception of 
 His Grace the Chancellor. Bnt it was not to be ; 
 and what the Woolsack lost, Cambridge in general 
 and myself in particular gained by your return 
 here in 1877; for I was among those who had the 
 pleasure of being under you as a Composition 
 Lecturer, and thereout, I trust, we sucked no 
 small advantage. It is perhaps a little incon- 
 gruous in me to write a. letter to a lecturer, whose 
 regular lectures I never attended. Those were, you 
 remember, the troublous times of Set Subjects, 
 and even one of the greatest advocates of that 
 system admitted that any attempt to improve 
 one's mind before the Tripos was inconsistent with 
 Practical Wisdom. So it was at other feet than 
 yours that I learned from Plato that I had a soul, 
 and from Lucretius that I hadn't (at least worth 
 bragging about), and from Aristotle that it be- 
 longed to " another enquiry," 
 
 75
 
 76 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 But let me return from this digression and 
 remind you that you have produced an excellent 
 edition of the Medea, and written a considerable 
 portion of a Greek play on the lines of the 
 ChoephoroD with occasional plagiarisms from 
 iEschylus. Your studies in Horace have done 
 much to build up the reputation of tliat per- 
 son ; and if Aelius was not a bailiff, may we 
 never live to know what a bailiff is ourselves, 
 the University contribution notwithstanding. You 
 wrote on Horace ; there you had the pull over 
 him ; but Horace, though it is to be feared, a 
 pagan, was a prophet, and there he had the pull 
 over you. For did he not pen those exquisite 
 lines : 
 
 Splendide Emendax et in omne virgo 
 
 Nobilis aevum ? 
 
 Which in the interests of our scientific friends 
 and others who have no Greek, I would paraphrase 
 as " a brilliant editor, a B.A. who will live to see 
 his name in the Cambridge Review." And this 
 brings me to the gist of my remarks, for a letter 
 to you, which did not touch on your emendations, 
 would be like a letter to Hamlet with no allusions 
 to his probable succession to the throne of 
 Denmark. Emendations, as the philosopher said 
 of desires, are of three kinds ; natural and 
 necessary ; natural and unnecessary ; unnatural 
 and unnecessary. You have shone in the first two 
 classes. In the third ? p) yevoiTo. Still you will 
 pardon my reminding you that you have admitted 
 to me in black and white that our fragile little
 
 LETTERS TO LECTURERS. 77 
 
 friend Xixq is " very very dead." r.i.p. Again, 
 was it liind in you to suggest a/coas in a well-known 
 passage in Pindar ? Till then he stood confessed 
 the champion mixer of metaphors of the world. 
 You might have left that sublime poet his greatest 
 charm. But there is in all your emendations, 
 whether we accept them with joy or pass them 
 by in sorrow, a touch of the Eiffel-tower ; we 
 revel in the newer view when we have recovered 
 from the stupendous climb. 
 
 But a change has come over the spirit of your 
 dream. When we heard that you were sitting 
 down before Ogygian Thebes and adding another 
 to the Weeping Seven, our expectations were 
 raised to the highest pitch. Would you echo the 
 words of the impious Kapaneus, " D.V. or not I 
 will sack the city ? " No, you forgot the great 
 formula of your party " as in 1885," and the result 
 is not to say conservative — Primrose Dames and 
 the Battering Ram is nearer the mark. While we 
 are on the subject of the Septem, I should like 
 to have your candid opinion of the merits of 
 that play. Do you hold with (I think) Mr. James 
 Payn that it is arrant rubbish, or with me that 
 the interest is too painfully thrilling ? How one 
 checks off the gates on one's fingers, and 
 trembles to think what some exceedingly boastful 
 person is doing outside ! And then the intense 
 relief to learn that Justice is leading a God- 
 fearing man to the safe side of the gate, and that 
 the knowing ones are putting their money on 
 Zeus, Typho being offered in vain.
 
 78 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 As an examiner your mark-book is Alpine in 
 its scenery, towering heights alternating with 
 yawning abysses. Nought and a hundred are 
 your favourite symbols. While the good man finds 
 in you a patent elevator, the impostor lights on a 
 nether millstone. But, as we know, even the 
 author of parts of the so-called Homeric poems 
 sometimes dozes. And this must, I think, have 
 happened to you some ten years ago, when you 
 assigned marks to four elaborate historical essays, 
 which had not a ghost of a fact concealed about 
 their persons. Let me take this opportunity of 
 apologising. " Make brick," say the Examiners. 
 But if you have no straw, and no time to go 
 a-gleaning, what are you to do ? One is in the 
 delicate position of the Plataeans and the Little 
 Question. " What do you know of the reforms 
 of Cleisthenes ? " To answer the truth is inex- 
 pedient (as the Trinity scholar found in the matter 
 of the Pelasgians), while falsehood brings with it 
 an easy detection. 
 
 Let me further remind you that you have built 
 a house and taken the Litt.D. But neither of 
 these is distinctive nowadays. I have never seen 
 you in a cope. You are a Home Ruler and prefer 
 to play whist for love. One of these courses 
 seems to me more commendable than the other. 
 You are not the typical don of romance ; you 
 have managed to hit the happy mean in being 
 hail-fellow-well-met with undergraduates and seniors 
 alike without forgetting that membership of the 
 Senate of this University is periiaps the highest
 
 LETTERS TO LECTURERS. 79 
 
 position attainable by man. You are a pleasant 
 companion, have a keen sense of humour, and 
 are, I am sure, of too kindly a nature to take 
 amiss any apparent flippancy in this letter. 
 You have many friends and no enemies, except 
 your partner for the time being.
 
 THE HIGHEST LOCALS. 
 
 {Cambridge Review, December 4, 1890). 
 
 o 8e dve^cTao-Tos /5tos ov fStwros dvOfHuTW. 
 
 (Plato, Apology). 
 
 The following Report is strictly confidential, but 
 perhaps of sufficient interest to be published. 
 
 Group X. (Religious Knowledge.) 
 
 There were 349 candidates. The general work 
 was good, comparing favourably with last year and 
 probably with next. A more accurate acquaintance 
 with either the original Greek or the conventional 
 English would probably have reduced the number 
 of failures, which amounted to 348. The balance 
 obtained third class honours. 
 
 Group V. (English.) 
 
 The majority of candidates seemed to think that 
 Swinburne's " Ode to the Newer Morality " was 
 a religious subject, and treated it from a Judaic 
 standpoint. Otherwise the work was good. 743 
 however of the rejected candidates seem to have 
 used a defective text-book, as they were unable 
 to distinguish between "is" and "his." The rest 
 obtained first class honours. 
 
 The parsing was better than the spelling. 
 
 80
 
 the highest locals. 8l 
 
 Group Z. (French.) 
 
 This subject does not appear to have been 
 treated in a sufficiently colloquial manner even at 
 the best schools. The most successful candidates 
 failed to give an idiomatic translation of such 
 simple phrases as nioi qui vous parle^ vous etes un 
 autre ^ and "/,? " says /, knowing the language. 
 More marks would have been gained if the students 
 had studied such intricate words as 3o;z, pere^ 
 inere^ etc. 
 
 No one knew who General Boulanger was except 
 one candidate, who quoted the Apocalypse. 
 
 On the whole the Women's answers were neater 
 than the Men's, as they ruled lines in red ink 
 when they had answered a question and also when 
 they hadn't, thus obtaining 5 per cent, more marks. 
 The percentage of failures to passes would take 
 a Mathematician and a table of Logarithms to 
 work out. 
 
 Many marks were lost by candidates knowing 
 nothing about the subject. 
 
 Group Q. (Chinese.) 
 
 The number of candidates has risen infinitely 
 since last year, as then there were none, and this 
 year we had one young woman, and a youth, who 
 thought it was Latin Verse, but elected to stay 
 on the off chance. Result, last year : 0,0,0: 
 this year : o, o, '5.
 
 82 cluvienus his thoughts. 
 
 Group W. (Botany.) 
 
 Particular attention was to be paid, as per 
 Schedule, to the Family Raminciilaceae, and all 
 shots outside were not to count. The usual en- 
 quiries as to the meaning of corm, drupe, tap-root, 
 prothallus drew the usual blank. The specimens 
 were for the most part correctly determined, but 
 there was a lamentable ignorance of scientific 
 nomenclature. Candidates should remember that 
 even the meanest plant has a right to be described 
 by two Latm words and a false concord, if possible. 
 More attention should be paid to Floral Diagrams. 
 
 The Students had evidently been highly trained 
 as far as the middle of the first chapter. 
 
 Group P. (Geology.) 
 
 No Candidates. This is unfortunate as the good 
 old specimens are getting well-known, and the 
 veriest tiro could tell the hornblende from the 
 ammonite. 
 
 The Examiner therefore sends in a hypothetical 
 report. Passed (probably), loo per cent., the rest 
 failed through faulty text-books and not having 
 attended my lectures. 
 
 Group (no Eastern fount to hand) — Hebrew. 
 
 This paper was excellently done by the three 
 candidates. The Examiner reports that he forgot 
 for the moment that you had to begin at the 
 other end (so to speak), and incontinently ploughed
 
 THE HIGHEST LOCALS. 83 
 
 them all, but that on re-examining the papers on 
 his head before a mirror, he awarded three first 
 classes. 
 
 He would, however, suggest that a stylographic 
 pen is not suited to this examination. Quills and 
 sobriety win the marks. 
 
 Group w (Greek.) 
 
 In this little-read subject there was one candidate, 
 who knew more parts of tvtttio than the Ancients, 
 and satisfied the Examiner. 
 
 Group A. (Biology.) 
 
 As there was only one Hydra provided, which 
 was eaten by Rana early in the examination, 
 the practical part fell through, especially as some 
 of the more self-respecting students refused to 
 discuss Lnmbrictis, which for the purposes of the 
 examination was pronounced with a short " i." 
 
 The book-work seems to have been prepared 
 from the last text-book but three, published in 
 1889. 
 
 Light, Heat, Electricity and the like. 
 
 There seems to have been some confusion here. 
 The Examiner would point out to masters of 
 schools that the three S3'stems of pulleys are out 
 of place, even if you call them " pencils," and that 
 a volt is not an aliquot part of a bushel. A 
 question set to test the common sense of the
 
 84 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 students was not attempted. Still it is satisfactory 
 to see that scientific training is spreading. 
 
 Physical Geography. 
 
 More candidates this year knew what isothermal 
 lines were, through the derivation from the Latin 
 " iso, hot, and therma, cold " leaves much to be 
 desired. The origin of Coral Islands was not 
 thoroughly understood. 
 
 Moraines were not set this time. Candidates 
 cannot pass in this section on a knowledge of the 
 Gulf stream only. 
 
 Commercial Certificates. 
 
 The questions on Company-promoting and Precis- 
 writing were well answered by the majority of the 
 candidates, but they showed but little real grasp 
 of Spanish. " Sehor Don " is correct as far as 
 it goes, but it does not go far enough, and should 
 be applied to one sex only. In Arithmetic they 
 had thoroughly mastered the first four rules. 
 
 Logic. 
 
 There was much difference of opinion as to the 
 terminology of this science. Those candidates who 
 spoke of the Predication of the Quantificate got 
 less marks than their luckier competitors, however 
 excellent their illustrations. 
 
 Political Economy. 
 
 The students seem to have reproduced what they 
 had been taught with praiseworthy fidelity, though
 
 THE HIGHEST LOCALS. 85 
 
 sufficient attention had not been paid to the 
 original authorities. There were few signs of 
 independent thought. While none of the papers 
 could be called absolutely worthless, none on the 
 other hand were entirely satisfactory, many oc- 
 cupying an intermediate position. The style was 
 modelled on the New York Daily Press. 
 
 ToTTlKO..
 
 ON NATURAL HISTORY. 
 
 {Eagle, March 1891). 
 
 This little lecture was delivered in the Combination- 
 room at the commencement of the new year. I 
 have been asked to publish it in view of the 
 foundation of an Agricultural Department in this 
 Universit}^ which is to teach us everything from 
 the price of cereals to the geology of the Cretaceous 
 Period. The wonders of the Animal Kingdom 
 therefore attain a new interest for us, and it is 
 hoped that these chapters may serve as short 
 monographs of what we at present know on the 
 subject of the animals that may be found on the 
 Home-Farm, whether in their wild state or domesti- 
 cated. As I did not take my degree in Puris 
 Naturalihus, I hope that any mistakes will be 
 condoned. 
 
 Chapter I. Of the Fluke, the Bot, and the Trichina. 
 
 The Fluke is nothing if not domesticated. It 
 begins life as a parasite of a freshwater shell-fish, 
 which is perhaps as lowly an origin as the humblest 
 of us could desire. We next find it in the interior 
 of the Sheep, because it likes to have some place 
 it can call a Home ; at this stage of its career it 
 is known as the Staggers, and causes its host 
 
 86
 
 ON NATURAL HISTORY. 87 
 
 to appear ring-straked. It eventually, I believe, 
 developes into some common object of the micro- 
 scope. 
 
 Contrariwise the Bot or Worble (for it is known 
 to the poets by both names) is the young of the 
 Gad-fly. In its history we find one of the most 
 remarkable adaptations in Nature of the means 
 to the end and of both to the ridiculous. The 
 mother-fly lays her egg on the tongue of the Horse, 
 so that, when that noble animal opens its mouth 
 to laugh, the embryo Gad-fly falls out and perishes 
 miserably. Thus, by a simple mechanical con- 
 trivance the balance of nature is maintained. If 
 it were not for this, statisticians inform us, there 
 would be in sixteen generations three Gad-flies 
 to every square inch of the habitable globe, for 
 this insect knows nothing of the Prudential Check. 
 All this should show us that the operations of 
 Nature, though to Man in his ignorance they some- 
 times appear cruel, are in reality at once wise and 
 merciful. 
 
 The Trichina is the cause of measles in pork, 
 which may be called a corniptio optimi. I do not 
 know much about this creature, but I have been 
 told that, if you cut out the Trichinae from a 
 square inch of the muscle of a diseased pig and 
 set them end to end, they would reach as far as 
 an express train from here to St. Paul's, travelling 
 at a uniform speed. The moral is that we should 
 cook our pork, which at the same time cooks the 
 goose of the Trichina by the Law which Naturalists 
 call Correlation. I do not think the Trichina
 
 88 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 developes into anything else, but it reproduces 
 itself in interminable lengths like a popular Novelist. 
 
 Chapter II. Of the common Eagle. 
 
 This more or less featherless biped is the King 
 of Birds. He can gaze with unblenched eyes at 
 the Sun. He also feeds on cox-combs and other 
 internal mechanisms. If you try to stare him out 
 of countenance, he yawns, says "Yap" (which is 
 as near as he can get to an expletive), and works 
 his wings as if they were dumb-bells till he tumbles 
 off his perch. Then with a quiet dignity he puts 
 his head in his waistcoat pocket and winds up 
 his Waterbury. 
 
 Chapter III. Of the Sole. 
 
 This succulent fish has one eye permanently 
 round the corner, like Mr. MacDougall of the 
 L.C.C. He is white on one side and dark on the 
 other, like many another honest Englishman. I 
 used to think that the white side was the under- 
 side and the egg-and-breadcrumb the upper ; but 
 it is not so. They are rights and lefts. The 
 reason for this arrangement, I am told, is as follows. 
 When an enemy looks down upon the fish from 
 above it sees only the dark part, and says to itself 
 " This can't be a sole," and the same thing occurs 
 mutatis mutandis with the enemy from below, and 
 before they have time to compare notes the Sole 
 is escaped out of the net of the Fowler. This 
 doesn't sound to me very plausible, but of course
 
 ON NATURAL HISTORY. 8g 
 
 in Science we do not expect to arrive at the exact 
 truth ; what we hope for is a good working 
 hypothesis, which will enable us to bring out our 
 book before the other man's. To return, the method 
 of progression of the Sole is wobbly, but not un- 
 statesmanlike. 
 
 Chapter IV, Of the Hippopotamus. 
 
 Much has been written of this interesting animal, 
 but there is still something left for the gleaner. 
 He combines the bland expression of a certain 
 eminent Cabinet Minister with the pachydermatous 
 hide of our political opponents— whichever side 
 they are. He was apparently fashioned by Nature 
 before she made the lasses o ! and his delicate 
 curves were put in with a pickaxe. 
 
 Chapter V. Of the Stork. 
 
 The Stork is chiefly remarkable for having what 
 I believe Mathematicians call a re-entrant angle 
 in its knee, so that it works its legs on the minus 
 side of the directrix, like the less reputable branch 
 of the hyperbola. It has to take a back seat in 
 the pew to leave room for its devotions. The 
 female Stork in the Zoological Gardens builds in 
 washing-baskets for preference. It can stand on 
 one leg with its head between its shoulder-blades 
 as long as it can get anyone to look at it. It then 
 puts the other foot down gingerly as if the earth 
 was red-hot and chuckles.
 
 go CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 Chapter VI. Of the Pelican. 
 
 The Pelican is a fertile cross between a flamingo, 
 a goose, and a magazine-rifle. He is fed at 3 p.m. 
 After dinner he shakes himself, wags his tail, hops 
 solemnly three times on both feet, and thinks 
 about to-morrow's breakfast. He then reproduces 
 a damaged fish from his dewlap, which he looks 
 at for some time with unutterable contempt, but 
 eventually bolts when he sees his missus coming. 
 
 This is the Pehcan of the Wilderness, the Pelican 
 of Gerrard Street is a different bird and feeds later. 
 
 Chapter VH. Of the Love-hird. 
 
 This bird is created in pairs, and for the purposes 
 of commerce is painted green. It is the husband 
 of one wife, with whom it quarrels continually 
 except when there are strangers present, when it 
 takes her by the beak and pretends to be kissing ; 
 it is essentially human. When she departs this 
 life it mopes and never smiles again. It dies in 
 the odour of sanctity with cotton-wool in its ears. 
 We know what this kind of bird thinks of us, 
 but it never knows what we think of it. It is a 
 humbug to the last. 
 
 Chapter VIII. Of the Bacillus. 
 
 As this creature is still sub judice and the micro- 
 scope, it would be indelicate to say more than 
 this, that mixed with glycerine and rats' spleens 
 it forms a nutritious diet for invalids and children. 
 It is supplied in phials (flavoured to suit the disease)
 
 ON NATURAL HISTORY. 9I 
 
 at a moderate profit to Crowned Heads and other 
 Personages. 
 
 Chapter IX. Of the Glotv-worm. 
 
 Shakespeare and others, who should have known 
 better, tell us that the Glow-worm lights her lamp 
 as a kind of Matrimonial News Agency and 
 Scottish Widows. But we are not to be taken 
 in. If an emancipated lady Glow-worm wanted 
 to marry she would say so, and on a rebuff go 
 about saying that the retiring modesty of British 
 Maidenhood was not appreciated, and then start 
 a new religion or at least a lay mission. 
 
 Chapter X. Of the Beetle in General. 
 
 This is an excellent fowl, though it has six legs. 
 Plato tells us in the Symposium that Man originally 
 had four legs, and had a much better time of it 
 than we have at present, because he could do 
 " three cartwheels a penny " with ease. This made 
 him haughty. A fortiori six legs is too many and 
 has a suggestion of a luggage-train about it. Even 
 an omnibus has only four. However, the Beetle 
 is good to collect, and, as he does not use the 
 Monkey Brand, his clothes will wash. 
 
 Chapter XI. Of the Lap-wing or Peewit. 
 
 The Lap-wing is a striking example of the 
 development of the maternal instinct. When a 
 sportsman approaches too near her nest, she 
 decoys him from her callow brood by flying as
 
 92 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 if with broken wing. The result is that the mother 
 Lap-wing is shot, and eventually appears at table 
 as golden plover, while the orphans are adopted 
 b}' a widowed cat, much to the delight of the Editor 
 of the Spectator and other persons, who combine 
 Faith with Science. It is usual on these occasions 
 for the foster-mother to teach her changelings 
 to miaou and build in the best bonnet-box, thus 
 disproving the theory of the Immutability of Species. 
 
 Chapter XII. Of the Bowev-bird. 
 
 The Bower-bird of Australia is chiefly remarkable 
 for running away with its neighbour's land-mark, 
 contrary to the provisions of the Commination 
 Service. It then gives a small and early to celebrate 
 the event, whereat the best dancers secure their 
 partners for life. The rest go back to their inter- 
 rupted occupation of hunting for sardine-tins and 
 other treasure-trove to adorn their bowers. 
 
 Chapter XIII. Of the Rhinosceros. 
 
 This is one of the most comic of animals. It 
 has the air of an old-clothes-man, who has put 
 all his stock-in-trade on his back regardless of fit 
 — omnia mea mecum povto, as Caesar said to the 
 recalcitrant boatman. I watched him in the Zoo 
 last autumn ; he was running round his enclosure, 
 and whenever he came to a particular place he 
 stopped and snorted, and then trundled on again 
 with all the grace of the Salvation Army. Perhaps
 
 ON NATURAL HISTORY. 93 
 
 he was beginning to realise that after all he is 
 only a grand old Pig with a wart on his nose. 
 
 Chapter XIV. Of the Ornithorhynchus anatinus. 
 
 The Ornithorhynchus anatinus or Duck-billed 
 Platypus is a little mixed. He is the Tory Demo- 
 crat or Protestant Home-Ruler of the animal world 
 — I mean it is a little difficult to trace his affinities 
 and discover his purpose in the scheme of Creation. 
 For a long time we did not know whether he was 
 viviparous or oviparous, but Cambridge may be 
 proud that that question was set at rest by one 
 of her sons, who dissected as many as he could 
 lay his hands on, and telegraphed the thrilling 
 message to Montreal : " Mother and egg both 
 doing as well as might be expected." I believe 
 by the way the beast was getting rare and has 
 doubtless now been finished off, which shows the 
 superiority of the Scientific Researcher over the 
 Mere Collector. 
 
 Chapter XV. Of the Aphis. 
 
 I had collected many details of this interesting 
 insect, but am prevented from publishing by having 
 a Church of England Conscience. I can only state 
 that the Aphis marries but once in sixteen gener- 
 ations, but that it fills up the intervals with 
 Parthenogenesis and other forms of Vice. 
 
 Chapter XVI. Of the Human. 
 
 Man is the roof and crown of things. Cambridge, 
 it is generally allowed, is the roof and crown of
 
 94 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 man ; and the roof and crown of Cambridge for 
 some time to come will be the Agricultural Syn- 
 dicate. I have now worked up from the lowest 
 of created beings to the highest, and will therefore 
 conclude.
 
 AN IMPRESSIONIST ON POST-GRADUATE 
 
 STUDY. 
 
 {Cambridge Review, February 22, 1894). 
 
 Let us congratulate ourselves. We are ahead of 
 Oxford this time* and in the Van of Progress. 
 The latter of course we always are except when 
 Oxford happens to be there first, and then, as 
 there is not room for two, we have no alternative 
 but to get out and scoff; and fall back on the 
 Extension Movement, and the miner, who walked 
 ten miles through the rain and six public-houses 
 to hear a Syllabus on "Robert Browning; his 
 place in the Kosmos." But here we have it all 
 our own way — the idea of offering special advan- 
 tages urbi et orbi, provided only urbs and 07'bis 
 are not members of our University, is, I think, 
 quite our own. Fired with this idea I went to 
 hear the discussion in the Arts School last 
 Thursday. Now it would neither be possible nor 
 proper for me to attempt to reproduce all I heard 
 there ; but I thought that, just as an Impressionist 
 Artist by a few dabs of black and white and yellow 
 can call up before our eyes " The Burning of 
 Rome," or " London by Gashght," or " An August 
 Bank Holiday at the North Pole," or whatever 
 
 • About twenty-four hours, as it turned out, but I was not 
 in the secrets of the Council. 
 
 95
 
 96 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 else he tells us to look for, so a few of my 
 impressions on the more salient points of the 
 discussion might be useful to those who had not 
 the privilege of attending. 
 
 My first impression then was that Post-Graduate 
 study is in the happy position of the Parish Councils 
 Bill — ^we are all agreed about the principle though 
 there may be some slight divergence of opinion 
 as to mere detail. We all feel that if we can get 
 graduates from our list of "Recognised" Uni- 
 versities (with a '-^'^ in cases of special distinction) 
 to patronise us, it will be a good thing — -if it does 
 not cost to much. This is the only difficulty, for 
 (as it was pointed out) no self-respecting University 
 would think of inviting a stranger to come up 
 here, attend its professors' lectures, make use 
 of its Library, Museums, and Laboratories, and 
 generally make himself at home, unless it was 
 prepared to pay him for his trouble. The days 
 when scholars did that kind of thing gratis are 
 past. We cannot pay him in money for various 
 obvious reasons, so we must pay him in kind. 
 "Look here," we say to him, "you come to us for a 
 year (which means only six months, you know), and 
 we will give you the same privileges we give our 
 own men after three (or four) years residence ; 
 and when you get back to your own country 
 give us a friendly ' par,' if you can." So far I 
 am quite with the Report ; but it was pointed 
 out that this might not be enough ; a Bachelor 
 of e.g. Pocahontas, U.S., will not have gained 
 anything if after enjoying our hospitality for a
 
 POST-GRADUATE STUDY. 97 
 
 year he is only a Bachelor of Cambridge ; he 
 wants to rise a step on the intellectual ladder ; 
 and so it was suggested that Master of Science 
 and Master of Letters would be more appetising 
 degrees. This however brings us at once face 
 to face with the question of membership of the 
 Senate, which is not, at present, proposed should 
 be conferred by the Special Boards. Why not 
 start quite a new series of degrees ? I would with 
 diffidence suggest "Duke of Science" and "Viscount 
 Letters ; " this would please the recipients, es- 
 pecially the American section of the type we 
 wish to attract, and would serve to differentiate 
 Post-Graduates from the humbler class who take 
 degrees in the ordinary hum-drum way. 
 
 The second impression I should not have tried 
 to reproduce except that those most concerned 
 seemed positively to hug the idea. It was pointed 
 out that these post-graduates would be a useful 
 stimulus to our teaching staff. It seems that 
 what with original research on the one hand and 
 teaching the British Undergraduate (who is ap- 
 parently a very dull person) on the other, the 
 Professors' and Demonstrators' and Readers' life 
 is not a happy one, and there is always the least 
 tendency in the world to get slack. A few more 
 advanced Germans and Americans would keep 
 those teachers up to mark ; they would have to 
 get up very early and read all the current periodicals 
 to keep ahead of them. 
 
 Impression number three : the social advantages 
 our visitors would gain and impart by their year's 
 
 G
 
 gS CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 residence. This is an argument which deserves 
 all the respect it commands ; but what exactly 
 the social advantages of the University are, it 
 is difficult to discover. Beyond the Proctorial 
 system and Great St. Mary's I know of none. 
 The social side of our life here depends on the 
 Colleges ; the University can do much to destroy 
 this, but it cannot create or dispense it ; so I 
 think this asset should be left out of the prospectus. 
 Fourthly, as to the possible numbers of our new 
 students. One member of the Senate ventured to 
 doubt whether there was a great demand for the 
 suggested privilege. I am afraid I disagree with 
 him. If we advertise a good marketable degree 
 at about a third of the price and a tenth of the 
 trouble which it has hitherto cost, I think well 
 enough of my fellow-men to anticipate a fair 
 number of applicants. One speaker, indeed, told 
 us that hardly a term passed without foreigners 
 writing to ask him " what on earth Cambridge was 
 going to do for them ? " (I am not quoting the 
 exact words). The humiliating answer has to be 
 returned that we have some three thousand students 
 of our own, for about a third of whom the Uni- 
 versity does practically nothing except take their 
 fees and plough them at intervals, and that hitherto 
 our hands have been full, but we hope to do 
 better in future. If the rest of the four hundred 
 or so resident members of the Senate receive a 
 like number of applications, we have quite a 
 bright vista of increased usefulness opening out 
 before us. May we not, perhaps, become a little
 
 POST-GRADUATE STUDY. gg 
 
 crowded ? In this connection I should like to 
 quote part of a Report of the Special Board for 
 Physics and Chemistry {University Reporter, Nov. 28, 
 i8g3), ''The number of Students attending the 
 (Cavendish) Laboratory is so large that there is 
 not sufficient accommodation for them in the 
 Laboratory itself, and many of the classes have 
 to be held in the building which was used as a 
 temporary Dissecting Room. . . . This tem- 
 porary laboratory however. . . will shortly have 
 to be removed. Accommodation will have to be 
 found for the classes hitherto held in this building." 
 Then follows a recommendation to appoint a 
 Syndicate to obtain plans and estimates for 
 further building. At the discussion on this report 
 it was pointed out that there are no funds, unless 
 we adopt the time-honoured expedient of sending 
 round the hat again. The state of the case then 
 seems to be (i) The Cavendish Laboratory is 
 overcrowded at present ; (2) It will soon be still 
 more so ; (3) It is one of the many institutions 
 clamouring for funds which do not exist ; (4) The 
 Cavendish Professor was one of those who would 
 heartily welcome post-graduates to his Laboratory. 
 With all the ability and good will in the world, 
 some one must go to the wall, and I do not think 
 it will be the post-graduate ; he is ex hypothesi 
 a superior person, and we cannot invite people to 
 come over and stimulate us, and then tell them 
 there is no room for them. It looks as if this 
 scheme was another for benefitting everybody and 
 everything first, and the British undergraduate
 
 lOO CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 (who pays so much of the salary of the piper and 
 choses so Httle of the tune) second or nowhere. 
 
 Again as to the possible age of our patrons. 
 We should, I presume, "recognise" Scotch Uni- 
 versities. Now it is a pleasant and not always 
 a disadvantageous thing to be a Scotchman, as 
 many candidates for educational preferment have 
 found out, but their system is different to ours. 
 It is possible, I understand, for a man to take 
 his degree at a Scotch University at an age at 
 which a Cambridge undergraduate has hardly 
 begun his career. May not a third or fourth year 
 man find it something of a grievance that a 
 comparative stranger gets one or two years start 
 of him in the privileges of bachelorhood solely 
 on the merit of not being a Cambridge man ? 
 Again the Scotch system is said to be more 
 economical than ours ; may we not lose many 
 regular students thereby ? Many a man who has 
 to think of ways and means will prefer one year 
 at Cambridge and three at St. Enoch's on the 
 traditional bag of oatmeal and a clean kilt, to 
 the expense of three years with us, with the 
 result that he and Cambridge will lose two years 
 of the mutual social improvement. 
 
 Lastly as to the method of degree giving by 
 thesis. Some dark hints were thrown out which 
 might be summed up in, " It's a wise thesis that 
 knows its own father." It seems that owing to 
 kindliness of heart or telepathy or some other 
 disturbing element, the man who writes a thesis 
 sometimes knows less about its contents than the
 
 POST-GRADUATE STUDY. lOI 
 
 man who didn't but " corrected a few errors." Of 
 course the candidate could be instructed to mark 
 what he considered original in his essay, but the 
 only time I tried it myself, the answer worked 
 out "scissors and the use of a German-English 
 dictionary," so that the test is not always adequate. 
 It was suggested that the keeping of an Act 
 would obviate this difficulty, but apparently it 
 takes three to keep an Act : one to read, one to 
 mark and one to assess, and if there are going 
 to be many Acts to be kept, we come back again 
 to our initial difficulty, for there is quite enough 
 unpaid and under-paid work done in this Uni- 
 versity as it is. 
 
 I am afraid it may be asked " though these 
 be truths, are you the proper person to urge 
 them ? " I can only plead that in these days 
 when even the humble Dynamiter, though he does 
 not always conform to his established church and 
 the local code of ethics, claims a sympathetic 
 hearing in the Press, I should like to enunciate 
 my academic creed, which would be to this effect : 
 that in our attempt to be " frankly democratic " — 
 as the phrase goes — we have sometimes made 
 ourselves frankly something else, and that when 
 we have thoroughly democratised ourselves and 
 stand cap in hand to everybody, the democracy 
 which, whatever its faults, has a good deal of 
 common sense, may learn to rate us at our own 
 valuation.
 
 THE OLD LOYE AND THE NEW. 
 
 Oh Cyprian born of the foam of the sea, 
 That lurkest in C Ida's fair cheeks, 
 
 Each passionate youth in his worship of thee 
 Is Greek as the Greekest of Greeks. 
 
 But lurking in his hps, as wiser grows he, 
 Is goddess more true and more fair, 
 
 No treacherous foam-fleck of Hellas' false sea. 
 But schaum of a Teutonic meer. 
 
 102
 
 STYLE IN THE MATHEMATICAL TRIPOS. 
 
 [By grace of the Senate, February 28, 1895.] 
 {Cambridge Review, March 7, 1895). 
 
 Poor Jones is ploughed in Rigid, 
 
 for his style is quite too frigid, 
 no evidence of taste has he, of any sort or kind ; 
 
 he can't expand his views, 
 
 any more than in his trews 
 a Zulu or a Highlander has perfect peace of mind. 
 
 Look at Brown's Elliptic Functions, 
 
 he's quite above conjunctions — 
 a very neat asyndeton in question number 3 ; 
 
 though he doesn't know a 6 
 
 from a /:i or a {■, 
 his style's so very winsome, we must give him a 
 degree. 
 
 Then there's Bumbleji (of Downing), 
 he^s studied Robert Browning 
 and caught the poet's manner in Vibrations, Waves 
 and Tides, 
 a wealth of subtle meanings 
 and mediaeval gleanings, 
 and very little Poetry, and nothing much besides. 
 
 103
 
 I04 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 Clark's Thoughts on the Potential, 
 with a Note on Differential, 
 have quite the modern tone with them, as cultured 
 as can be ; 
 his Dynamics of a Particle 
 would shame a leading article 
 in Standard, Times or Morning Post, or even the 
 D.T. 
 
 What ? Davies idiotic ? 
 
 He's perhaps a shade erotic — 
 a little touch of Swinburne in evaluating tt. 
 
 But his lines on Geodesy 
 
 run so very free and easy, 
 that none could write more tunefully, not even you 
 or I. 
 
 Then mark O'Toole's Quaternions, 
 
 (a prince among Hibernians), 
 at all the modern Algebras he's really up to date ; 
 
 one thinks of Lord Macaulay 
 
 with a dash of Mr. Morley, 
 as he writes out his De Moivre like a Document of 
 State. 
 
 But Tompkinson (of Clare) 
 has accomplishments most rare ; 
 he doesn't know his Euclid, but has dotted all his 
 "i's"; 
 he mayn't be wise or witty, 
 but it's written out so pretty, 
 if he can't be Senior Wrangler, let us give him a 
 Smith's Prize.
 
 STYLE IN THE MATHEMATICAL TRIPOS. I05 
 
 Now (I say it with contrition) 
 
 I've no "power of exposition,* " 
 for I wasn't bred on Essays as all may plainly see ; 
 
 it's a very painful story, 
 
 I shall really grow a Tory, 
 if we all go on improving so. Yours ever, H. R. T. 
 
 • Sic.
 
 oiAinoT rnnniASMENOT 
 
 FRAGMENTUM:* 
 {Eagle, March 1888). 
 
 20<|)OKAEOT2 EIAHAON. 
 
 w TGKva VpdvT7}<i XafjiTrpoTarov 7' del Sid, 
 jBalvovre^ d^pws aWepo<i, irdpecfii Brj 
 'StO(f)OKXeov^ etScoXov, el rfj ^'^vycKy 
 '}^raipia (f>L\ov 768', e^ AtSov So/xcov 
 (pepo)V /u-er' i/xavTov Oelov ■^fiepcbv rpicov, 
 /AoXi? 8e UXovTcov' avTov i^acpLevat, 
 eTretcra KaTaKptdevra p,' ufATrXaKtcov %apty 
 oaa^; 6 BpovvLy^ eypacp' dvayvcovac /3i/3Xov9, 
 Koviroo 7^ ireXeaa AuktuXlov re koI Bt/3Xoz/, 
 oy8' dv reXeaatp^i Bid p.aKpaiaivo'i ypovov. 
 e^ovXopiriv B' ovv 'A^jXiau iirtaKO'Treiu 
 Kol Tov<i evoLKov<i, i^ OTOV ydp dTredavov 
 ovttcottot' elBov eppavecnepov yivo^. 
 irdXac yap 01 KaTiovres evcj^veU Trdvv 
 rjaav ^Xoavpoi re KoX KaXol re Kay ad 01, 
 ev0v<; Be Trpoaeiroiovvro irdvO' AtSoi; B6p,ov 
 ft)9 Brjdev ovaav ' \yyXLa<i diroiKiav, 
 Kal TOL/9 TaXdTa<i eTrdra^av wcnrep evdaSL 
 vvv 8' dXXo9 dXX(p (ttco? BoKei9 ;) e^^dalperac, 
 Kal XotBopovvTUL deoXoyoyp ala'^iova. 
 
 * A copy of Tripos Verses for 1887. 
 106
 
 THE SAME ENGLISHED.* 
 
 TWO LOVELY RED EYES, 
 
 SHADE OF SOPHOCLES. 
 
 Ye sons of Gvanta, " who through brightest air 
 Move ever stately onwards," here am I, 
 The shade of Sophocles, if Psychical 
 Research permit it, from the halls of Dis — 
 A three-days' brimstone rations in my kit. 
 Scarce could I bring great Pluto to permit 
 My exit, for my sins who was condemned 
 To con the whole of Robert Browning's works. 
 Nor yet have won my way through Ring and Book, 
 Nor never shall till final Ding o' Doom. 
 Yet fain was I to visit Albion's shores 
 And her inhabitants, for since I died 
 I never yet have seen a madder crew. 
 For those of old in Nature's kindlier mould 
 Were fashioned, bluff and sturdy gentlemen, 
 And when they came among us straight laid 
 
 claim 
 To Hades' realms as England's colony, 
 And smote the Frenchman as on upper earth. 
 But now they wrangle past belief, and hurl 
 Abuse that well might shame a Theologue. 
 
 By the request of the Editors : MadrjfxaTiKol, ovd^ taacnv 6<Tt^ 
 irXioi' ijfuav iravrds. 
 
 107
 
 I08 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 TrpcaTT] S' aviovTt So^a fioL TrapecfTaOr} 
 AovSlvLov iXdelv iracra S' rjv fjuearr) 7r6\L<i 
 avBpcov Ko/3d\a)p, XfOTToSvTcov, roL^copii'^^cov, 
 ^vXcov, dopv/SovuTcov, VTTTiaafiuTcov, XlOcoV 
 irdvTri h' i/36a>v yvpata KaKorjOearara' 
 " w /\7]fM0KpaTia, rrj<i Ke(f3a\7]s Kareaye rt<? 
 ^tXoTToXty ft)9 /jLoXtcra, koI yap to 1)9 ^Kvdas 
 ripa^' eTTatae \a^ eirdrrjcyev dvhpLKOi<iJ" 
 Kavrevdev d'KKo'i hid j^^epotv pd/SBov Xa^oov' 
 '' iXevdipa TpdcpaXya, Trat oaov ^6X779/' 
 eyoo he " ^Q/j,/3a^ '' elirov, 6 h' eaept^vvvero. 
 evOevZ^ is vfid'i rjXOov e9 Tpdvrrjs ttoXiv, 
 OlSiTToB' ipevvoiv ev6a irov valoov Kvpel, 
 TOP AateLov TralSa UoXvScopov re koI 
 Tov irpoaOe K.dS/xov tov re 8€lvo<; tov 
 "TToXai. 
 
 KAAHA0NI02. 
 
 TL9 7roSa7ro9 el av ; kut' dKaSrj/jbLKijv (ttoX7]v 
 ovBefiiav ovTco<; oyire BetXia<i (f)opets ; 
 
 2o<^. (jv h' euTV^otrj'i eveireLa<; ovveKa, 
 
 Kol ravra 7rpo9 ^euov fie' rrjv S' ifirjv 
 
 aroXrjV 
 ovK av fieOappbocaLfJb {e(f)r] BpirjvlSrj'i), 
 rjTOi Odvoifjb' av, ft)9 (piXoTToXis oiv Kvpo). 
 
 KaX. ■^crdrjv (piXoTToXei? eareprip,ev(p /3pdKa<;. 
 
 2o^. Tt9 et av y' ireov ; rj tls €KKpiTO<; XkvOtjs ; 
 
 Ka\. JJpoKTcop eycoye, hidpovov eV Afco9 (re^as.
 
 TWO LOVELY RED EYES. ICQ 
 
 Soon as I stepped above ground my first thought 
 To come to London, but the city teemed 
 With rabble scum of burglars, pick-pockets, 
 Sticks, stones, the Rights of Speech, and men 
 
 capsized ; 
 And all around a crew of woman-kind 
 Bawled : " Sovereign People, here's a friend's 
 
 head burst, 
 An earnest patriot, for like a man 
 He thrashed and lashed and jumped on the 
 
 Police." 
 And here another grasping staff in hand : 
 " Trafalgar s free, smite when and how yon 
 
 please," 
 But I said " Bosh ! " whereat he sulked amain. 
 Next have I come to you to Granta's town 
 In search where Oedipus may haply dwell, 
 The son of Lams and Polydonis and 
 Of ancient Cadmus and old Thingumbob. 
 
 THE GREAT SCOT. 
 
 Who and whence are you ? what, so late at 
 
 night, 
 And yet j^ou wear no Academic dress ! 
 
 Soph. A blessing on you for your courtesy. 
 
 And that to me a stranger ; but my dress 
 I may not change, as bold O'Brien said, 
 'Twould kill me to undrape my patriot soul. 
 
 G. S. Delightful rape of patriotic trews ! 
 
 Soph. Who are you ? sure a special constable ? 
 
 G. 5. A Proctor 1, the twin-throned power of Zens.
 
 no CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 2o(^. TlpoKTopcn y^alpeiv iraai koi 7rdaai<; \eyco. 
 
 KaX. ail S' oiyad' aTrcdt, koi yap daros oiv Trpevret?, 
 Kol KairvoTTOLeiv aoi Trdpecm, kolv 6eKri<i 
 reOpLTTTra vcofidv — kut' drrdy^aaOaL rpiTov. 
 
 E^HMEPIAOnnAHS. 
 
 TO 2/ca)p ^Aelvcov diroKoXv'^ei'i eKTOiroi' 
 TrefXTTTr] KBo(Ti<; rot. CTKdvSaXov iravvcrrarov. 
 ov yap /SacrtXT)? ya^ovatv avroiv jJbrjrepa^, 
 Traiipai; KaraKravovTes, es re 8r)fx,or6)V 
 (ptXovcr^ v/3pi^€iv rrjv /xeydOv/nop KapSiav ; 
 TTw? Btjt' dveKTov fXT) ov irarelv tqv<; ii> rekec; 
 ^o(p. al^oi, 0/X,' dvhpwv, ov Ke(pa\i]s o^ecs fivpov. 
 dXX/ r]Vihe TO Oearpov' elaeXdelv aKfirj. 
 
 O nEPTSI KftMAPXOS. 
 
 ov ')(eipoTovri9el<; ttms av elaeXOelv hoKel^ ; 
 So(/). Tovrw hv' oj36\(jo tP]<; eSpa9 fiLadov <^epwv' 
 K-co/J^. TTOLW Sv' 6^o\d) ; heKu Spa^/xd<i el firj reXol^, 
 
 ovK av Oedaai', ov8' av el rrjv ixrjTepa 
 
 6ekoL<i yafjLelv av KdKT€TV(f)\6Ja0al ye Trpos. 
 2o(/). dW' et/u-' 6 8i8d^a<; avroi;' eo iroXis ttoXis. 
 Kcofi. Kal fjir]v 08' 't'jKei ^aaikiKwv rt? eic SoficDV, 
 
 09 et Ti? aA.Xo9 yvcoaeTal a' el yvoiaro^ el. 
 
 ETAIPOS BASIAIKOS. 
 
 Tt9 el av ; /3aaL\.ev<; ; 
 
 Et. Bacr. ^ovXevTT}'; dpa ;
 
 TWO LOVELY RED EYES. Ill 
 
 Soph. All Proctors male and female I defy. 
 
 G. S. Be off, good sir, you're clearly of the Town, 
 So you may smoke and, if it be your mood. 
 Drive four-in-hand — to distant Jericho. 
 
 NEWS-VENDOR. 
 
 The fifth edition of the Gutter News, 
 Startling disclosures ! Scandal's latest breath ! 
 What have we here ? A Tory King who weds 
 His mother, having done his sire to death. 
 And tramples on the People's mighty heart. 
 Come, help kick out a brutal Ministry. 
 Soph. Ugh, my good sir, you're none too savoury. 
 Here's the theatre, let us take our place. 
 
 THE EX-MAYOR. 
 
 Without a ballot you can't enter here. 
 Soph. These obols twain I offer for my seat. 
 Ex-M. Obols be hanged ! Ten drachmae you must 
 pay 
 Or you'll see nothing, no not if you wed 
 Your lady-mother and gouge out your eyes. 
 Soph. I'm he who wrote the play ; shame on your 
 
 town ! 
 Ex-M. Nay, here comes one from out the halls of 
 King's, 
 Who'll know you sure if you be fit to know. 
 
 FELLOW OF KING'S. 
 
 What are you ? King ? 
 Soph. No. 
 
 Fell. Privy Councillor ?
 
 112 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 2o^. OVK 
 
 'Er. Bacr. aTTOKOfii^cov av aeavrov ov (f)0dvoi9. 
 
 2o<^. Tov iraai k\€ivov Xo(f)OK\€a <^a(TKeiv opav. 
 
 'Er. Bacr. e^ovXo^rjv 8' av aXXa roiv Tiv' ev reXei 
 
 etval a'' o/jlco^; elaeXde \alvovq B6/xovs. 
 2o^. lov, irapelvaL toi^ rpwywhols r]V apa* 
 
 <yvi>ac^i' Kairot tovt dvicofiac TraXac. 
 
 To,-)^ av hvvaifirjv, (w? <J0<^6s tls 'yi'yvop.acy 
 
 jjuaOetv TraXacdv vavv ottcos rjpiacreTo. 
 
 Kal TtjvLKavTa (ppovSos rj '^eracTTiKr). 
 
 aijco/iev, elcr/SXe-ylrcofiev' OtSiVoL"? 6'8e. 
 
 diraTq <ydp ovK ecrT\ ovhev vtto fxd\7)<i 
 
 dSt Z' oirdoiv OVK ciTrd'rrvpo'i daiTihcov. 
 cos yavpu^i iart 7ra//,/Aa^« ^pvoov dpdaet. 
 TLve<i Be iro6' a'lh' ; w rptcrfiaKdpiu^ 
 
 OtSiTTOL'?, 
 
 OLCov eKVpaas twv OepairaivSiv, S) rdXav, 
 Tj}9 iravreXovs yvvatKO'i evTrpeirecrTepcov 
 (a>9 Kal Trap* rjfitv ivBaBl vofiL^erat). 
 OVK iros dp' , d) rdv, ypavv e'y7]/j,a<; mv v60<;. 
 Kairoi ri fx i^lcrrijat Trpo? Ato9 veov 
 '^v')(r]<i 7rXdvr]/u,a KdvaKivrjaL<i (Jjpevcov ; 
 TTOv S)]6' 6 KoOopvo^ ; TTov TO, 7rp6(7(07ra ; 
 
 TTov TO Trdv ; 
 6 Xafi7rpo<; aWi-jp ')(ol ^aXapblvtoL X6(f)ot ; 
 aiat TO yovifjLov Spdfj,'' dXts voacov iyco. 
 * * * * 
 
 KaOrjvhov iKavco<;, vvv 8' uTrtcofjiev o'lKahe. 
 * " Present recognition of a past fact."
 
 TWO LOVELY RED EYES. II3 
 
 Soph. Not I— 
 
 Fell. Be off then with what speed you may. 
 
 Soph. Deem that you see the world-famed Sophocles. 
 Fell. O that you'd been in Government employ; 
 
 Still you may pass within the marble halls. 
 Soph. Hurrah ! then women were allowed to see 
 
 Our tragedies ; that's bothered me of old. 
 
 Soon shall I know, so wise I'm grown of 
 late, 
 
 How triremes worked their triple bank of 
 oars! 
 
 And then — good bye. Examination's art ! 
 
 Hush, let me view the scene. Here's Oedipus, 
 
 There's no deception, nothing up the sleeve, 
 
 And here a guard with sturdy paper shield. 
 
 How grand his look, how full of martial pride ! 
 
 But who are these ? O Oedipus thrice-blessed, 
 
 What very charming lady-helps, you rogue ! 
 
 Far fairer than your lawful wedded wife 
 
 (As happens sometimes in this world of ours). 
 
 You're no such fool to have mated with a 
 hag. 
 
 But what in heaven's name's this sudden 
 pang, 
 
 This sinking of the heart and soul's distress ? 
 
 Where are the buskins ? where the masks ? 
 where all ? 
 
 Clear ether and the hills of Salamis ? 
 
 The genuine drama's dead ; my woe's enough. 
 
 I've slept my fill, 'tis time we homeward turn. 
 
 H
 
 114 CLUVIENUS HIS THOUGHTS. 
 
 XOPOS. 
 
 '^aipocev ocrot OepairevovaLV 
 T7]V epareivTjv Xtyvpai^ MoOo-az/, 
 rrjv 'EiWtjvlSa koX 'Poi/j,aiK7jv, 
 6 7ra\ac6(f)p(ov 6 re St^/jLotikos, 
 ^oi XefjLVojepcov, el koI hvvarov 
 Kal defiis avTM, 
 Kal Tpij^eXvav 6 K.oOopvo'i.
 
 TWO LOVELY RED EYES. II5 
 
 CHORUS. 
 
 Let all rejoice, who love the voice 
 
 Of Muses Greek or Roman, 
 Progressive or Conservative, 
 
 And be excluded no man ; 
 Rejoice if he can, the Grand Old Man, 
 
 (If lawful for Rebellion) 
 Rejoice for that our champion Rat, 
 
 Sir G T n. 
 
 A Dry Bohn.
 
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 J. WEBB AND CO., PRINTERS, 
 
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