i THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES (s^fasUAx^avi \\wm xV ^M fc^J-^ cm*. . iEL ■//■W//s / "- // " // - LONDON THOMAS ALLilAN" &'SON. 'i.BORN HILL V- LABEEN'S comic minstrel; A COLLECTION OF POPULAR COMIC SONGS, EDITED BY JOHN LABEKN, Esq. jf tvst Scries. LONDON: THOMAS ALLMAN AND SON, 42, HOLBORN HILL. 1857. UNIFORM WITH THE PRESENT VOLUME IN PRICE AND SIZE. British Minstrel, First Series. ■ , Second Series. Budget of Merry Songs. Duncombe's Ethiopian Songster. Drawing-Room Songster. — Irish Songster. Edmonds' Cremorne Comic Song Book, First Series. Ditto ditto Second Series. Labern's Comic Minstrel, First Series. Ditto ditto Second Series. London Comic Song Book. Punch's Humorous Songster. Sharp's Vauxhall Comic Song Book, First Series. Ditto ditto Second Series *ii,. f[ 5 5 COMIC SONGS G^p The principal Part of the Songs in this Work are the Copyright Propeity of the Publisher. USEFUL KNOWLEDGE. Popular Comic Song, written by Mr. F Fanner, and sung by Mr. J. W. Sharp. Music sold by Duncombe and Co. 17, Holborn. I've studied deeply history, And scientific Works, d'ye see — Just kear me out, and you'!! agree, My facts are not delusive. They say the world is round, and I Don't mean at all that to deny, My propositions only try, You'll find them quite conclusive That these are facts none can deny — Contradiction I defy, And being so, why, really, I Do call this useful knowledge. From what I've read, I really think That when one's dry 'tis best to drink-— E t when hungry, never shrink From taking your potation. ■ 10 COMIC SONGS. A man that's mad must be insane, A man that loses cannot gain, And a man that's wounded suffers pain — That's no conglomeration ! A little boy is not a gal, When you're ill you are not well, The London Road is not Pall Mall, Paris isn't London ! These are facts, t;ike, With Dickens' Monthly bob's worth. Fhey've Shal:8peare*8 Plays outright — Of his Poems, too, a set, O ! 56 COMIC SONGS, And begin to think they're quite As good as Bunn's libretto ! Take an extra, &c. Mr. Fluffy Bland Is going it a strong on* — He's studying Short Hand, 'Cos he never could the long one. He returned from France last week — As a bear one might have shown him — He'd so much hair on his cheek, His mother wouldn't own him J Take an extra (fee. Our Baker used to go To ev'ry Free and Easy— Now he says it's low, And nothing's slick but Grisi ! The Butcher down the street Once went to ' sin? songs' — on'y Now he says it's meet He should knuckle to Jll-bony. Take an exti a. (fee. Paggs's family, by goles ! "Who often used to run late For seven pounds of coals, Now have it in by ton weight.' They've bouebt for their Adelaide A pianner — sieh a cne-er — Twenty bob they paid, Because they'd have a stunner. Take an ■ x'ra , Arc COMIC SONGS. 57 FREEDOM OF OPINION ! Written by Mr. James Bruton, and sung by Mr. J. W. Sharp. Music sold by Duncombe and Co. 17, Holborn. My name's Augustas Brutus Nutts — None of his-self is fonder — I stand but live feet one. but then In soul I reach up yonder! By perfession I'm a snob — My mind is my domtnion— I'm a upright in'ditoitriol, And I'm for freedom of opinion Tol de ro), ed out of sorrow, And Lord Lovel, &c. Lady Nancy was laid in St. Pancridge's church — Lord Lovel was laid in the choir — And out of her buzzum there grew a red rose, And out of her lovier's a briar ! And out of her, ors and asked hi n what he gave for eggs. 'Only sevente n cents.' was the reply— for the grocers have had a meeting, and voted to give no more Again he came to market, and nsked the groc-r what he gave for eggs. 'Only twelve cents.' said the grocer — ' for the grocers h.ive had another meeting, and resolved not to giv^ any more-, A third time he called, and madt? the same inquiry, and the grocer replied 'that the grocers had held a meeting again, and voted to give only ten cents But have you any for sale?* continued the grocer. ' No,' says my friend — ' the hens have had a meeting, too. and voted not to trouble themselves to lay eggs for ten cents a dozen.' Thats indepen* deuce I Then raise the steam, dec. 113 COMIC SONGS. I'M JUST COME TO ENGLAND. A Jfig^t-rTrio, written by Mr. John f.abern, and sung by Messrs Sharp, Gliudoa, ami Collinetti. Tune — Zip Coon. Banjo Nigger. — I bjust come to Ingland, all tor to tak' a sight — Violin Nigger. — Tb just cum to Ingland, all for to tak' a sight. Castanet Nigger. — I'b just come to Ingland, all for to tak' a sight — All. — And see de difference 'tween the black man and de white. B»N. — We'll astonish all jour nerves wid our errand try-o — V. JV\ — We'll astound all your nerves wid our grand try-o — C.N. — We'll astound all your nerves wid our grand try o — V. N. — On de wiolin — C. N. De castanets — £. „V. An' ole banjo ! SPOKEN. V.N. — After all, de wiolin is de most con- spectable ob all oder wind instruments to scrape acquaintance wid, an' de perfeckshun ob sweet sounds. It can play all de most im- probable and impossible music out ob de 4 Daughter ob St Mark,' Luke, and John, and a son arter. B. N. — Talk about music! De banio's ^e food ob lub arter all, nigger. Dis instrument am warranted to 1 each a higher note dan de COMIC SONGS 113 highest one in de Bank of lngland, wid all de 'dittional keys for Locke's music. Allow me to 'splain de horrigin ob de banjo. His farder was de celybra'.ed double base, dat went so low in de fust ac' ob de operer ob ' Fried debil O,' dat he couldn't be found till de end ob de last ac' — his moder was de big drum, de- scended clown from de kittle drum. Dey were both jined together in de full band ob holy hemlock, an" dis banjo am de offspring. Put dat in your smokes and pipe it, nigger. C.N. — Dat's notink to de harmony ob de castynets. Dey are de boys to walk into the dimmysimplequivers — dey would actilly shake de toe nails ob all yer fingers off. Yes, dese bones are de bones Fanny Ellsler wanted to bone. It's a fart ! V, N, — Neber mind — make no bones about it. Let's rub off de old scores, and pitch one in a merry key. B N. — Yes — run up de scale, and cut out de slidin' bisnesp. Tune — Going ober de mountain. li. N. — Oh, what a place am lngland, sure V, JV*. — To keep de people sweet and pure; C „Y. — Dey're building washusses about, B.N- — To get de poor folks linen out ! V. JV. — For a penny lend you water and tub, J3.JV, — As Hamlet says, 'Yes, dere's de rub.' Together. — O what a fuss dey mate All round about de quarter, Cos when de poor folks ax for bread, Dc) gib 'em soap and water! 114 com re so.ngs, B.N. — Dat's how dey saw ft soap do poor debils ober. Dey might as weli go for milen- tarily men as get a towellin' an' a good man- glin arter. V. N, — Dat's gettin' um in hot water wid a vengeance. Den 1 'spose they'll hang um i ut to dry for de same price, an' send um to Bat;i for tuppence, D*t*9 mi kin' a splash in de world, an' no flies. Yah— yah ! B, N. — Yes, but him don't tink it'll wash. nigger. I feel pale in dp face when 1 tink ob it, forfeardey might whitewash de coloured gemmen. De best ting they couid do. would be to put us down &copper or two —yah .' Tune— Old Aunt Sally. B. JV. — I went and bought a sute ob togs de oder day ob Mo?es, Acos him sells de best ob cloth, an' neber does imposes : t, Moses ? (7. TV. Imposes P V. N, — What, bought your tings ob Moses? SPOKkN. B. N, — Ess, to be sure him did — in course — what ob dat ? B- vN*. — Don't I look a tarnal swell in tog- gery ob Moses ? V.Jt % # C JV*.— Golley ! don't he look a gay in toggery ob Moses ? SPOKEN B.N.— Him always likes to pstterneyes de COMIC SONGS, ]]5 biggerest 6hops, an* pay de biggerest price. De West end am too cheap for de nigger gen- teelman. V. N.— Why dey fit you all ober, an' touch yet nowhere, like a watch box. B.N,— Come, no sillywashuns. If you is a gemmani act as sich, old man. Him like utn dis prespiratin' wedder. Him ordered um to be built like a patent cab — licensed to carry two. Yah — yah I V. N. — Dare's room enuff to hold all yer prosteriors, I'm smashed. B, N —All my posterity, you mean — only yon don't 'splain yourself. V. N. — You won't be long runnin to seed in um, old gentleman. B.N. — De fact is, you're only axing me to make you a present ob um when I'm done wid um. Becum yourself like a nigger, an' hope for de best. Tune Old Dan Tucker, V. „Y. — Great Captain Warner, in a pout, Bloios up John Bull, 'cos he won't shell out. B. iN*.— Dey say it's sich a bottle ob smoke, Dat a great ship split her sides at de joke. Together* — Out ob de way, den, out ob de way den, Out ob de way, you Captain Warner, We must stick you in de corner. V. JV*.— Dere's General Tom Thumb, it's werry clear, Has cum to bleed de white folks here 116 COMIC SONGS B. „V. — Foor Shakspeer 'bilged to go to France, Cos here him wouldn't learn to dance. Together. — Out oh de way, den, out ob de way den, Out ob'de way, old Billy Shak- speer, Dey'd sooner see de ladies' legs here. SPOKKN. B. N. — Werry sorry to see poor Shakspeer so hard up dis winter— bad time for ebery- body — and Frenchland de only refuge for de destitute dat would take him in. * Otello's hoccumpation's gone,' an' no figs. V,N, — Yes, de book muslin has booked him, an' de plump legs hab kicked him into Paris lanH, an it's all shibber de friz wid him. B, N — King Louisa berry glad to see him though. anJ made him play Hamlet, de jewel- ler's fader, before him. But Shakspeer made a sad hole in his manners in de Tird Act — him said ' De play, de play'a de ting, Berein I catch de dollars from de king.' De fac him was so hungry, him tought more ob de tin den de play, poor ting. Tnne — De boatman dance, V. K. — De Poker dance is all de rage, De Poker's poked on ebery stage. B. Jf- — Dere's Drawing Room Pokers, uot a few, Aud I'm told dere's a kitchen pokes-, too. COMIC SONGS. V.f Chorus.— So Jane* 1 de Poker dance, dance de Poker dance. Dey are dancing de Poker all && night, And dey're at it agin in de mornin,' High an' low, it's all de go, Fust on de heel, an' den on Ae toe. SPOKEN. B. N. — Ebery tins is Poker now. Poker frocks, Poker bonnets. Poker boots — an' dey call pork pies Poker pirs, an' de people poke um down deretroats ten tinvs faster den eber, V N. — Yes, an dey've got Poker sas-ingers now, so people swallow um down by de yard instead ob de foot. Neber saw de like — dey are all Poker mad, B. N. — Yes, dey want a poke ober de nob to bring um ir>to a state of clonvolsessence. THE COMIC THEATRICAL ALPHA- BET. Written by Mr. Bra ton, and sung- by Mr. J W. Sharp. Music sold by Duncombe and Moon, L7, Holoorn opposite Fur nival' s Inn. Tis really very singular, and as if it had been plann'd, That the letters of the A'phabet for Theatres should stand. 118 COMU SONGS. A stands for Adelphi, where Yates was jnce the go, B will do for Batty's, once the scene of great >Tis really very singular, and as if it had been plann'd, That the letters in the Alphabet for Thea- tres should stand. C for Cogent Garden, of the Drama now be- reft, D for Drury Lane, and the only Bunn house left;" E for Eagle Tavern, the scene of Bravo "Rouse, F for the French Theatre, where Parisians show their uouse. G- stands for the Garrick, and a fearful way to roam, H for the Hay market, where the Drama find* a home, I Itplian Opera, where lots of notes are found, J St. James's, where Braham lost notes I dare be bound. K it stands for Kensington, now but known n history's page, Lfor the Lyceum, where the Keeieys are the rage," M will do for Marrow bone, with some cleaver $ to its side, N for Norton Folgate, by test of Hone: COMIC FONGS, 219 stands for Olympic, very great in Vestris' days, P for the Princess's, wot acts the best of plays, Q for the Queen's Theatre, exactly does, that's poz — R for the Old Royalty, the one wot used to was i S stards for the Standard, Strand, and Surrey, known to fame, T stands for the Tottenham, which long has changed its name, stands for the Union, in Shoreditch once it stood, V for the Victoria, all blue fire, blaze and blood ! "W (Double U) for the Wells will do, where Shakspeare makes his throne, X for the King's Cross, as the Clarence bet- ter known ; Y for the York Theatre in Westminster, but it ceased is, Z for the Zoological, but that is for the B taste s. THE BACHELOR'S HOUSE WARM- ING PARTY. Written by Mr. AY. H. C. West, and sung bj Mr. J. W. .Sharp. Music sold by Hack, Fleet Street. Tis true that a bachelor leads a snur else, on a sofa, tete-a-tete the pair leave, And then let them simmer the rest of the eve. Two or three times successive this plan must be tried, COMIC SONGS. 133 Taking care that the parties are placed side by side, And you'll find this a trnth, deny it you can't, They'll be ready for marriage whenever you want. After marriage more care you must take than before, As 'tis known they are very soon apt to turn sour. The honeymoon o'er, and departed the rest, Hewe'er well and tasty they both may be drest, Attend to these hints, and a match you may make, Whenever to make one the pairs you may take, A receipt, for which vain you'll in Mrs. Glass look, For 't:'« copied from Cupid's own Cookery Book. GOING OUT TO MARKET. Written by Mr. M. Hall, and sung by Mr. J. W. Sharp. Music sold by Duncombe and Moon, 17, Holborn, opposite i urnival's Inn. Once I was never satisfied with how the cash was laid out, I thought for once that I would provide, and see how it was paid out — 140 COM.'C SONGS. The money went so precious fast, it almost drove me raving, And I says to my wife, * Julia, my dear, let's both try to be saving. ' My wife did chaff, the boys did laugh, The neighbours all did lark it — Vhen vjth this basket on my arm, I toddled out to market. I scarcely had got down the street, when up came neighbour Ker.ny, Says he, 'It is your turn to treat — come spend your market penny. Avay ve toddles to 'The Clown,' for drink I felt a craving, And at skittles I lost near half a crown— oh, wasn't that a saving ? My wife, &c. Now when they found the beer and ale had got into my noddle, They pinn'd a dish-cloth to my tail, andcall'd me Molly Coddle, And as along the street I tried to pass, I was tripp'dup on the paving, I fell bang through two panes of glass — now there was a precious saving! My wife, &c, I then went to the butter shop, to buy a pound of bacon, In hope misfortune there would end, but I found niyselfmistaken — COMIC SONGS. 141 Their dog flew out and bit my legs, I found my senses raving, Then backwards I fell iu a box of eggs -oh, dear, thinks I, here's a saving ! My wife, &c. The butcher next, a sly old jogue, must have a heart quite stony, To sell me that for tender meat, which he fcnow'd was tough and boney — And worse than that, me being strange to all their tricks and knaving, He fortot to give me back my change — oh, lord ! thinks I, here's a saving! My wife, &c. The grocer's shop I next went to, and there another shock met, A man came in and collar'd me, and said I'd pick'd his pocket. The police came in the cause to learn, and quick my hat did stave in, While some thief stole the whole concern — oh, wasn't that a saving I My wife, &c. They took me to the station house, and next day being Sunday, They never let me change ray clothes till twelve o'clock on Monday. So married men, through all your lives you will find it quite depraving, To take those matters from your wives — you will lose instead ot saving. 42 COMIC SONGS. For your wives will chaff, aud the boys will laugh, The neighbours all will lark it, If with a basket on your arm, You toddle out to market. SAM SAVEALL, THE EVERYTHING. Sung by Mr. J. W. Sharp. Tune— Ally Croaker. Sam Saveall was a clever chap — one never beat by any, For spending of a pound or two, in saving of a penny, For he was his own everything, to hoard his money craving, And you shall hear a true account of what he lost by saving. Ob, what a Sammy — what a saving Sammy ! For spending of a pound or two, in saving of a penny ! He broke a fine brass fender, by being his own brazier, He tumbled through a skylight, by being his own glazier — He sunk a barge of Wall's end coals, by being his own lighterman — He spoilt a suit of bran new clothes by being bis own night-a-man. Oh, what, Jl1) my soap I perfume from Parnassus's mount, With such sweets as my customers swal- low— And my brush, too, I dip in Castalia's fount, While I shave in the Court of Apollo. SPOKF.N. ' Up. cousin, up '• your head is up, I know — Shakspeare. * Oh by the powers, now, 'twas up to my mouth all the time, But wh t have I got to pay V • Three thousand dncats !' ♦ Shiver my timbers — you are mad, or three sheets in the wind.' « I am mad N.N.W. but when the wind is southerly. 1 know a hawk from a handsaw.' • Yes, friend— bot I cant ot tell thy razor from a handsaw, for it sore'y moveth thp flesh.' ■ Avaunt — thy blood is 'Cold 1" 'Ah, veil it may be. 1 vish 1 may vonce get out of this slaughterhouse; ' ' Slaugh- terhouse ! Off with his head.' VI hy this is the Temple o' the Muses — walk in who chooses, And all take your turns as thej follow — There are no excuses for him who refuses shave in the Court of Apollo. COMIC SONGS 151 Both the buskin and sock 'tis my int'rest to please, And to dress in the first of the fashion — Should a cut from the razor, or old Shak- speare tease, Why I tip 'em an ' Ode on the Passions.' Thus is teasing made easy, ar.d smoothly goes down, With the oil of dramatic quotation — And, an actor of all work, cut out for the town, 1 thus live by the town's approhation, SPOKEN. Theie ! ' Your chin new reaped, shows like stubble land at haivest hone' — ^hakspeare, 1 Oh, dam Shakspeare ' ' Had I three ears I'd hear thee.' lam sure you must have de tree ears, for you have got one of mine,' ' Give every man thine ear. but few thy voice. ' tikakenot thy gory locks at me!' Here's gome pomatum will make ' each particular hair stand on end, like quills upon the fretful porcupine !' ■ Blesh ma shoul ! 1 must surely have got into Bedlam.' Bed'am ! 'Oh.Jeph* tha, judge of Israel !' why this is the Temple of the Muses. &c. Thus I try how to rival the Roscius at home And each actor claim as a crony — Just as characters come within swing of my - comb, I nil np my Dramatis Persona. When I have a thin house from the * Tragi- cal Maid,' A visage I draw full of sorrow — J 52 COMIC SONGS. When the whole is a farce for my benefit play'd, A soft smile from Thalia I borrow. SPOKEN Yes, ' I can smile, and murder while 1 smile !' ' The devil you can ? then pray let me go.' ' Nay, sit, good cousin Hotspur. Art thou not ashamed to lock upon this beaTd V ' 'Pon honour. I've sat here so long, that 1 shall soon go to sleep,' ' To sleep — perchance to dream. Ave, there's the rub !' ' I'd thank you not to rub so much of your damned soap down my throat,' 'Then open thy pondrous jaws, and cast it up again.' ' Ponderous jaws ! Where's the glass ?' ' Shine out, fair sun, till I can«buv a glass.' ' Well, dong me, if I did not think for sartin I wur in a barber's shop.' 'Shop! Oh, hsteful error — melancholv's child! There is no speculation in those eyes that thou dost glare w'th' — for this is the Temple of the Muses, &c. A CEOP OF CONUNDRUMS. Sun? by Mr. J. W. Sharp, Music sold by Duncorobe and Moon, 17, Holborn, opposite Furnival's Inn. Conundrums dow are all the go, In ev'ry town and city — And them wot plan, and them wot guess, T reckon must be witty, My CoDsin, Billy P.lack, to beat me Tried hi s best endeavour, COMTC BONOS. 153 So, if you please, I'll ask a few — You'll say they're wondrrus clever. What they are I will not tell — When heard, you'll all confess it — Rut before I ask you one, I know Not one of you can guess it. SPOKEN. Now here's one. Why is the influenza like the House of Commons on the night of a di- vision? — Beca.se sometmes the eyes have it, and sometimes the nose D'ye see that, eh? If a tree is fel If d. why has it no right to com- plain ? — Because it was axed whether it would or not. Here's another. W hat is the most difficult operation a doctor can perform 1 — To take thejaio outof a woman. Well, come, as they have not been guessed, And as they seem to please j e, Ihe very next that 1 shall give, It shall be something easy. Toe Miller's jests are very good, Yet still I think them humdrum — [n fact, they're nothing more than stuff, Compared to my Conundrums. SPOKEN. Here's another — in the locomotive depart- ment Why should we suppose a railway stoker understood punctuation? Give it up, eh ? Because he never puts a coal en (Colon) when he intends making a full stop. \ v hy may carpenters believe there is no such thing as stone ? — Because thev never saic it. V\ hat 154 * COMIC SONGS. is the most indigestible supper a man can eat ? — To bolt h& bed room door the last thing at night. Why is a whirlpool like a jackass? — Because it's an eddy. The very next that I shall give, 1 hope will make you laugh, sirs — The man that guesses this, Can't be called a silly calf, sirs. Now, mind, it's very good indeed — Great judges oft ba-.-e praised it, And when I want to cause a laugh, Why this has always raised it. SPOKEN, Which is the best way to procure cheap beer? — Buy it thick, and let it settle for itself. Here's another' What vegetable does a lady's tongue resemble ?— A scarlet runner. Why should we suppose Boz to be a better writer than Shakspeare? — Because Shakspeare wrote well, but Boz wrote Weller, Why is your nose in the middle of your face ? Give it up ? Be- cause it's the scenter (centre). Why is a boy learning to ride like a railway engine? Be- cause he's got a tender behind. Some folks may call this all stuff — I call it useful knowledge : In facr, you may learn more from me. Than if you went to college. Since I first took to writing these, I ne'er knew one to fail, sirs — But you can't guess me this heie one I'll bet a glass of ale, sirs. COMIC SONGS. * 155 SPOKEN. Why is an Irish row like a railway engine ? — Because it's a low commotion. Why is the statue of Neptune, at Vauxhall, like a man looking for the philosopher's itone ? — Because he's a sea king (seeking) wot never was, W hy is Vauxhall like a butcher's shop? — Because they hang out lights. What is the difference between a diseased potatoe and a beehive ? There is no difference— for one is a be-holder, the other a spec-tater. Why are teeth like verbs ? — Because they're regular, irregular, and defective^ But now I shall conclude my song-, Or you'll think me a bore, sirs, But if these are approved of, Some night 111 ask some more, sirs, That's if your approbation's gaiu*d, 'Twill my success be sealing — Yet, stay — I'll ask you one or two, Ere from this place I'm stealing. SPOKEN. Why is a lover like a knocker? — Because he bound to a door (adore). What is the differ- ence between a good oyster and a bad one? — Why one's a native, ond the other's a settler. Why are Cachmere shawls like persons totally deaf? — Bf cause yuu cannot make them hear (here). Why are washerwomen the greatest navigators of the globe? — Because they are continually crossing the line and running from pole to pole. Why did Adam bite the apple Ere presented him? — Acos he had no knife. lt»6 COMIC SUNOS. HAMILTON TIGHE Sung by Mr. 3. W. Sharp. Music sold by Duucombe and Moon, 17, Holborn, opposite Furnival's lnu. The captain is pacing the quarter deck. With troubled mind and bended neck — One eye is down the hatchway cast, The other turn'd up to the truck of the mast. Again the captain that letter has read, Which the bumboat woman has brought from Spithead. Since the good ship has sailed away, He reads thai letter three times a day— The seal was as broad, and as black, and as flat, As his own cockade, on his own cock'd hat — And he cried, as he pae'd the deck to and fro, ' Curse the old woman — she bothers me so ! Ko peace shall I get, either early or late, Unless on her pet child I fix the estate — Her step son is doom'd, and so we must try To knock off the head of young Hamilton Tighe.' He suddenly paus'd at the topman's hail — 1 On the larboard quarter, a sail — a sail !' The grim old captain he turned him round quick, And bawled through his trumpet for hairy fae'd Dick. The breeze is blowing — away, away ! The breeze iss blowing — huzza, huzza ! COMIC SONGS. 157 The breeze is blowing — a race — a race — The breeze is blowing — we near the chase, On the foetnan's deck, where a man should be, With a sword in his hanJ, arw at the Briti/h Museum, for the complete satisfartion of the /lincredulousl' Labour Eighth. You now see Ercules catching the mares of Dionedes ' ' Pretty creatures ! what dear long tails!' 'Don't say pretty creatures till you know what they lives upon. 1 ' Why, 182 COMIC SONGS. what ?' ' Every mare eats two men every day in the veek, with a woman and child on Sundays!' 'Ah, that's plainly an allegory!' 1 1 can't see it. U hat, horses devouring men, women, and children 1 Where's the allegory?* ' V*« here ? Ask the jockies at Newmarket. They were given to Alexander the Great, from whom the breed passed downwards into the hndsof Mr Ducrow — as they appeared at the Theatre Royal, Drnry Lane, in the Legitimate Drama of King Arthur and the Mound Table. You now see the Ninth Labour. Ercu»es stealing the girdle of the Queen of the ErniiZins.' 'Why what's the Amazons';' 4 The Amazons were the women that did great mischief with the bcws." 1 'Come, that's an allegory !' ' They were a nation of women who thought men beneath their nc tice,' ' Im- possible !' 'A melancholy truth — for the hoiuvmoon — when th< y had one — only lasted a week ! But 1 re ules takes the girdle of the Queen Hippolyte, ami tries to make her listen to reason' 'And does he succeed?' lie does — for she leaves the women to themselves, and enters the oly marriage state, Labour Tenth. Ercules turned sheep stealer— takes the flocks cf Geryon— the Shepheid with two heads and two bodies — and brings the rani3 and ewes to Argos from which we have the South Down mutton — though some antiqua- rians say the Welch. Look at the ram to the left, supposed to be a striking likeness of Cardinal Wolsey — from whence the name, ac- cording to Hume and Smol'et. The Eleventh Labour is /iinteresting You see Ercu.es in the COJUIC KOKGb 18H Garden of Hesperidvs going to gatherthe golden apples — supposed to be the original pippins — one of which falling on the head of Sir Isaac Newton, madehim for evtr after remarkable for his gravity. The apples areproipcttd by a Dragon — you see him with a rainbow d co- loured body, scarlet inouth, and yellow eyes ! Painted from the Antique. Ercules, doubling his fist, hits the Dragon on the ed. who, very sensible of the /tinsult. treats the ero with contempt. Ercules picks up the /rapples and pockets the same. For the Twelfth and last Labour I must beg your particular attention. Ercules descends after Cerberus to— to a [.lace familiar to the most /itgnorant.' ' Who was Cerberus V ' He was the Devil's dog — he had three eds, and was fed on bread and honey. Ercules takes the Devil's dog in his arms and brings him up to earth.' ' What a wretch !* ' Don't say a wretch — for he took the Devil's dog back again.' ' Did he ? Well all 1 know is — he hus left a good many pups behind.' For since all, &c KEEPING UP APPEARANCES. Written by W. T. MoncriefT, Es , and sung hy Ml J. W.Sharp, Music sold by Duncombe and Voon, 17, Hoibcni, opposite Furnival's lnu We must keep up appearances — "We must be quite genteel Vv hate'er are our foibearances — Rowe'er we think or feel. 184 comic sox^?. The world forms its opinion, more From what we seem, than do We must keep up appearances For everything is show. Tis true, the quarter's clearane A secret may reveal- But we must keep up appearance? — Must live in style genteel ! We in a house genteel must live — ■ That 's in a genteel street — And genteel people must receive- No need ask. them to eat : Anrl , howe'er scanty be our pel f, We must a servant (^eep— She can contrive to board herself, And in the kitchen sleep. Whate'er be our forbearances — Howe'er we think or feel, We must keep up appearance , We must be quite genteel! We must take in the ' Morning Post/ As fashionables do — Nor think it any sin, if we Take in the newsmen, too. We must keep up appearances- Just look at Mrs. Smith — She with the highest holds her head, Though small is her wherewith. Then there's the three Miss Wouldte's, too— Miss Stilt, and poor Miss Steel- COMIC SONGS. 135 We must keep up appearances- Must live in style genteel ! The butchers must send home our chops- Although but half a pound — What ! take home anything from shops ? Not while the world goes round I Tradespeople, though most wealthy, we Must not in public know — The pawnbroker must stranger be — For all is outside show. 'Tis true, the quarter's clearances A secret may reveal — But we must keep up appearances — We must be quite genteel ! We with our dinner must take wine — Cape easily is bought — And if it don't taste very fine, It looks so, and it ought ! We must take most especial care To ape the higher classes — And have, whatever be our fare, Napkins and finger-glasses — And silver forks — though German, they'll Be germaine to each meal— We must keep up appearances- We must be quite genteel ! Minor Theatres we'll vote low- Vulgarity their taint — To public houses we can't go- Cook sIiods would make us faint I 186 COMIO SONGS. Jackey, we must Geneva call, And but in private sip — A liquor that is drank by all, Won't suit a genteel lip. Yes, at wnate'er forbearances, Howe'er we think or feel, We must keep up appearances — We must look quite genteel ! Our church must fashionable be— We shall nurse double zeal, If popular the preacher is, The doctrines are genteel. Gentility is every thing — Another's goods to fake Would be, when one is so genteel, But a genteel miss-take, For which the mill would not be fit- To take is not to steal — We must keep up appearances — We must be quite genteel OH, CRIKEY! DON'T I LOVE MY MOTHER I Written by Mr. Thomas Prest, and sung Mr. J. W, Sharp. Tune — Polly Glover. Th" bojs and gals all jeers at me, But I don't mind their snarling, There's vun thing that 1 likes to be, That is my mother's darling, comic songs. 187 She's sich avoman, to be sure, There ne'er vos sich another ! So, as I told you vonce afore, Oh, don't I love my mother! Tolde rol, &c. Csesar Milksop is my name, My beauty's quite bewild'ring, My mother's love no vun can blame, I'm the finest of her children ! She buys me playthings, s\o,h asvag! But nuffvn gives my brother, She often lets me play thevag ! Oh, don't I love my mother ! Tol de rol,