NK\^ Tli^MPKRABrCliS FliAi^S..l5 Cents Mtti \. MghtslnaBarRoom, ^11 5 BotUe, - • • . -^ 11 6 ,.ird. Drama, 5 Acts, 12 5 Drnnkard's Doom, • - 15 5 rsofa Drunkard's Life, 10 i I Aunt Dinah's Pledgf), • 6 3 Temperance Do*l ,r, > • 10 * Fruits of the Wine Cop, • 6 S Drunkard's Warning, [ej 6 Z Xo. OOXLI. FRENCH'S MINOR DRAMA. COOL AS A CUCUMBER: A FAECE, IN ONE ACT. BY W. BLANCHARD JERROLD, ESQ. TO WHICH ARE ADDED A Description of the Costume— Cast of the Characters— Entrances and Exits— Relative Positions of the Performers on the Stage, and the whole ox the Siage Business. AS KOW PERFORMED AT THE PRINCIPAL ENGLISH AND AMERICAN THEATRES. NEW TOBK: Samuel French &. Son, PCBLISHEBS, No. 1;3$8 Nassau Street. LONDON: Samuel French, PTJBLISHEE, 39 srcTiJ^jsriD, BOOKS £VKIIY AMATETTK SHOUiii/ HAVE. J=*'ilf*'?^^^''*^J. °'"' Hovrto Get nn Hone Theatricals and to Act Intbem, with finlat, By ftinnp TifTiii.T^'i'^SJ''*'."!^^"^'''^"'"'"'"*"'^ for Amateur Sociotlea, Price 25 OtS. 6UIDE TO THE STAGE. 15 cents. ^ ART OIT ACTING. 15 cento. J^ Anything on thit cover sent by mail an receipt of price, / FRENCH'S STANDARD DRAMA. I*rice 15 Cents each.— Bound Volumes $L 26. VOL t lien 5 FmIo 8 The Lady of I<7ona 4 Bieheliea 6 The Wife 6 The Honeymoon T The School for Scandal 8 Money VOL. II. 9 The Stranger 10 »ia 60 Maconth I M Temper 1 t2 Kvadne i. M Bertram «4 The Daei>n» <»5 Much Ad» A>*vt Nothing 66 The Cntie VOL. VIII. «7 The Apo*Ute I W Twelfth Night *9 Brutua <0 Simpson k Co 61 Merohant of Vatilee 62 Old Heads & Young Hearts 63 Moantfcineers Iriage 64 Three Week* after Mar- VOL. IX. 65 LoTe 65 As Yon Like It 67 Toe Rider Brvtbea- 6il Werner 69 Oisippui 70 Town and Cauntry 71 King Lear 73 Bine Devila VOL. X. TS Henry VIII 74 Married and Blngl* 75 Henry IV 16 Paul Pry 77 Guy Mannerlng 78 Sw<««theM-«s and Wives 79 Scriou* F«.mily fO She S'-oops to Conquer VOL. XI. 81 Jalins Csesar 82 Vicar of WakefitM 83 Le;p Year 84 Tbe Catspaw 85 The Passing Cload 86 Drnnkard yr Rob Roy 88 Oebrge Barnwell VOL. XII. 89 Ingomar 90 Sketches In India 91 Two Friends 92 Jane Shore 93 Corslcan Broth? js 94 Mind your own Business 95 Writing on uie Wall 96 Heir at Law VOL. XIII. 97 Soldier' s Daughter 98 Douglas 99 Marco Spada 100 Nature' s Nobleman 101 Sardanapalus 102 CiviUzation 103 The Robbers 104 Katharine and Petruehio VOL. XIV. 105 Gamp of Love 106 Midsummer Night's 107 Ernestine [Dream 108 Rag Picker of Paris 109 Flying Dutchman 110 Hvpocrite 111 Therese 112 La Tour de Nesle VOL. XV. 113 Ireland As It Is 114 ^ea of Ice :i5 Seven Clerks 116 Game of Life 117 Forty Thieves 118 Bryan Boroihmb 119 Romance and Reality 120 Ugolino VOL. ?VL 121 The Tempest 122 The Pilot 123 Carpenter of Rouen 124 King's Rival 125 Little Treasure 126 Dombey and Son 127 Parents and Guardians 128 Jewess VOL. XVII 129 Camille 130 Married Life 131 Wenlock of Wenlock 132 Rose or Kttrickvale 133 David Copperfleld 134 Aline, or the Rose of 135 Pauline [Killam^ 136 Jane Evre VOL. xvin. 137 Night and Morning 138 iCthiop 39 Three Guardsmen 140 Tom Cringle 141 Henriette, the Forsaken 143 Eustache Baudin 143 Ernest Maltravers 144 Bold Dragoons VOL. XIX. 145 Dred, or the Dismal [Swamp 146 Last Days of Pompeii 147 Esmeralda 148 Peter Wilkins 149 Ben the Boatswain 150 Jonathan Bradford 151 Retribution 153 Minerali VOL. XX. 153 French Spy 134 Wept of Wish-ton Wish 155 Evil Genius 156 Ben Bolt 157 Sailor of Franc* 158 Bed Mask 159 Life ef an Actress 160 Wedding Day [Moscow VOL. XXI. 161 AlVsFiirinLov* 162 Hofe 163 Self 164 Cinderella 165 Phantora^ 166 Franklin 167 ThB Gunmakef of 168 The Lore of a Princa VOL. xxn. 169 Son of the Night 170 Rory O'More 171 Golden Eagle 172 RIenzi 173 Broken Sword 174 Rip Van Winkle 175 Isabella 176 Heart of Mid Lothian VOL. XXIII. 177 Actress of Padua 178 Floating Beacon 179 Bride of Lamermoor 180 Cataract of the Ganges 181 Robber of the Rhine 183 School of Reform 183 Wanderint^ Boys 184 Mazeppa VOL. XXIV. 185 Young New York 186 The Victims 187 Romance after Marriags 188 Brigand i'E I. — Draicing Room in Mr. B^ii^i.v :, Hmt^ . 3 and 5 0« 't^^ c. door open, backed with veranda. Sec. ; set door, 1 E. R. H. ; 9ei [*tif'i door, 1 E. L. H. ; sei window, practical, 2 E. L. H. ; set door, 3 e, ^ L. H. ; «e{ door, 3 e. r. h. ; set fireplace, r. h. 2 e. ; portrait over ^^l ^replace ifpictures hanging or^ walls; sofa, r. h. ; card tables on R. and L. H. ; arm chair on R. H. ; four chairs on ; firestand with shovel and poker, 11. h. 2 e. ; hearth rm ; carpet down ; knock heard with' out, L." H V T. E. ; roo/ti elegantly furnished, Ent,^- . iOitiSB, followed by I'^i. ririiE, l. 11. 1 e. 'fjyr^ ^^i. Wig. (r.) "What name shall I say, please, sir ? • Plum, (l.) My nauic, did you say? O, your master doesn t know ray name. I say, you don't keep the stairs very clean in this establishment, Susan ; your name is Susan, of course ? Yes, you look like a Susan — deused ugly name ! Wig. La, sir ! my name's Mary "Wiggins. Plum. No, it isn't ! I know better, I tell you, and there's no deceiving me — it's Susan ! Pugh ! how close this house smells ! — hang it, let's open the window ! (Opens windoic, l. h. 2 e.) Wig. (Aside.) Well, he makes himself at home ; I suppose he's a poor relation. {Getting R. h.) Plum. {Throxcs himself on sofa, R. c, and casts away the anti' macassar that covered the head of it.) Hang these rags ! Why the dense does Mi-s. Barkins put these stupid things here r It's a very bad compliment to the heads of your friends, or the heads of the fam- ily. By the by, speaking of the heads of the family, how is Mrs. Barkins ? Wig. There is no Mrs. Barkins, sir ; my missis is Miss Honiton. {Ctvsses, L.) \,.^ Fium: — Bcukii^Kg ei ii u i ! Barkins s e nio r f " Wig. — si r ! oho^ master's niece,- i assu r e you. ' Plum. Whey gnid cho wac a 't I — Hang it» how sha r p the women ttro ■ ^,-g c t ting \ Well, Susan — for I know it is Susan -r- tell your master a gentleman wishes to see him. Wig. Very well, sir ! — {Aside.) Say, a gentleman I — a gentle- man — well, I hope I may be forgiven ! {Exit, d. l. 3 e.) Plum. Humph ! I wonder what old Barkins is like ! Let me see, what can I tell the old boy about Barkins junior ? for of course they're relations — yes, they must be — happily the name's not com- mon. I only saw young Barkins for about a couple of hours on board the Rhine boat — that was quite enough — only got at his name by catching it on his cigar case, when he offered me a weed. By the way, he said something about a stupid, annoying love match he had on hand — he said his friends were deused liberal. Well, I suppose I must flatter the old boy. I think my old governor will be pleased to "see me. He sent me abroad to get rid of an inveterate (3) 1^359541 4 COOL AS A CUCUMBER. modesty that threatened to ruin my prospects in life, and I flatter myself I have benefited by my journey, though I think I'm still a little spoony — a Httle bashful at times ; but I'll shake it all off, I'm determined. (^Looks round the room.) Well, I can't compliment old Barkins upon having an eye for the picturesque, certainly not ; for the arrangement of this room is most offensively tasteless. Hang it ! those card tables should be vis-a-vis, (moves them,) and this sof& shouldn't be here. {Moves it across stage.) There, Inere, that's & little better ! And these pictures, too — Barkins ! Barkins ! you are Badly wanting in artistic feeling ! (Transposes pictures.) Ah ! that'* Barkins, of course, over the mantel piece ! Poor fellow ! how plain ! — in pity, we must put him in a less conspicuous position. ( Wheels table tojireplace, and gets upon table, reaches picture down, and has it m his ha7ids, when — ) Enter Barkins, d. l. h. 3 e., who stands looking at him with amaze- ment for some moments ; Plumper silently compares the portrait he V holds in his hand with the original. Jj^ It's very like — exceedingly like. The hair is handled with a dex- t^^exiiy worthy of Truefit, imd the hands have a delicacy of tint — it's f a pity they're so large — that ssts the very best almond soap at defi- ance. Really, Mr. Barkins, you have a masterpiece here. I should say, by the cloudy backgiound, and the artistic light thrown upon the buttons — a masterpiece by — Buggins. Bar. (L.) Sir, I am lost in astonishment at the marvellous cool- ness of this intrusion. Plum. (Aside.) I'm thankful for that — he doesn't think me bashful. Bar. Come down, sir ! Plum. You don't suppose I'm going to stop here all day. (Gets down, and advances.) Don't be in a hurry — first let me put this table in its place. Bar» Sir ! Plum, (r.) Let's proceed in the usual way. Mr. Barkins, I be- lieve ? (Botoing.) Bar. Sir, I am Plum. Don't irritate yourself, old Barkins ; that is to say, Mr. Barkins senior. Bar. Sir, I am a man of business ! Plum. That's a pity ; they wouldn't admit you into my club, if 1 were to propose you. Bar. How dare you, sir, meddle with the arrangement of my rooms — misplace my pictures ? Plum. ( Throicing himself itito arm chair, R. n.) Precisely so — 1 thought as much — just the way of the world again ! Now, attend to me for one moment, Barkins — we're not old friends ; but we in- tend to be. Bar. (Aside.) Cool, upon my word ! (Sits.) Plum. So I'll speak to you plainly : tLere' nothing like begin- ning as we mean to go on. Well, it's very clear, though, for aught 1 know to the contrary, you mag, I say tnay be an honest man. Bar. Sir ! Plum. It's very plain you've not the remotest pretcnHion to taste COOL AS A CUCUMBEB. ft fiar. Upon my word, sir ! Phim. {Coolly.) It's no fault of yours. Some people are born Idiots ; others with an extraordinary amount of intellect ; others, again, with very limited capacities ; whilst some few are gifted, from their birth, -w-ith talents and perceptions which must ever remain a mystery to meaner mortals. Now are we beginning to understand one another, Barkins senior ? Bar. Sir, I've told you before, and I must repeat it now, that I am a man of the world, and Plum, I beg your pardon ; but you never said any thing of the kind. Bar. "When I first came in I told you I was a man of the world. Plum. I beg pardon ; I have a most retentive memory, and I'll take my oath you never said any thing of the kind. Bar. I said I was a man of business. Plum. That's a diiferent thing altogether. Bar. Well, sir, a man of business, or a man of tue world, it's all the same. Plum. No, sir ! a man of business is not a man of the world ; how many men of the world are not men of business ! It won't do, it won't hold water. Bar. Well, then, I'm a mwi of the world and Plum. Very well. Now, then, I'll remark upon it. Sorry to lear it, Barkins, sorry to hear it ! What is your man of the world ? a fellow who has got a list of its weaknesses and vices at his tongue's end, who looks askant at his neighbor, and thinks every body, with the single exception of himseK, either a flourishing pickpocket or a returned convict. O ! you're a man of the world, are you? You know all its dirty corners an i dark alleys — you think every body and every thing bad, and, I da^e be sworn, won't allow there's a bright side to the moon ? I'm sorry for you, Barkins senior ; but we must reform you. Bar. Thank you, Mr. May I, since you are so communica- tive and complimentary, beg the favor of your name ? Plum. With great pleasure ! — my name is Horatio, George, Brummel, William, Wolfganjj^ Thomas Plumper, of Howqua Park, near Tee Green, Yorkshire. Bar. Your godfathers were ^Trtile in names, Mr. Plumper. Plum. Yes, I must confess they did the handsome thing. "Xou see, when I was a child, only a few weeks old, I gave signs of great genius ; and as it was difficult to determine the particular bent uf it, ray friends, with a foresight that cannot be too keenly admired, called me Horatio, thinking that I might rival Nelson in personal courage — George, ia the hope that I might be the second finest gentleman in Europe — Brummel, in the belief tiiat I sbould display unequalled taste in adorning a not insignificant person — William, in the hope that I might one day stand side by side with Shakspeare — Wolf- gang, from my unmistakable promise of becoming a second Mozart — and, finally, Thomas, after the immortal Lawrencp ; and, as you will have perceived by my criticism on your excellent portrait, and the artistic arrangement of your apartment, my final cognomeai is not altogether inappropriate. But I am a modest man, sir; anci aettina I* COOL AS A CUCUMBER. ^aside George, Bru-iimel, "William, Wolfgang, and Thomas, as something to fall back upon, I content myself with Horatio G. B. "VV. W. T Plumper, Esquire, at your service ! Bar. Well, sir, having learned — that is to say, heard, for it would take a fortnight's study to learn — your name Plum, Ha, ha, ha ! — that's very neat ! Bar. May I be so bold Plum. Ha, ha, ha ! — very good ! Bar. Don't interrupt me, sir ! Plum. Well, if you will say good things, I must laugh at them. Bar. May I be so bold, in my own house, and on my own Bruf- sels, as to ask the purpose of your visit ? Plum. Brussels ? 1 thought it was Kidderminster ! — No — a bad Brussels ! {^Examining it.) I could get you a good serviceable one of this description, at about three shillings per yard. Bar. This is impertinence, sir, which Plum. Impertinence ? Nonsense ! — aren't you a man of the world ? Besides, every thing is so new to me here in England, since I've been away on the Khine and through Germany Bar. {^Cordially.) The Rhine? — Germany? Ha, ha! now I guess all — he's a friend of my son's. — Wiggins, bring some wine. Plum. Yes, Wiggins, bring some wine. Bar. And glasses. Plum. And let them be large ones. Bar. And so you bring news from my boy Frederick ! Plum. Well, if it be news to you to tell you that he is passion- ately fond of brandy ; is not a bad judge of cigars ; says " the old boy," as he called you, is rather liberal than otherwise ; doesn't like the German women, and can't speak three words of the language, — 1 certainly am the bearer of important information ! Bar. You have a letter from my son, I presume, Mr. Plumper r Plum. O, dear, no ! I believe he was not in want of money when I left him. He's a ^mtHfrr^ good judge of cigars ! It's a pity he's carroty ! Bar. Sir ! Plum. No offence ! I like red hair ; can't be too red for me — ehouldn't object to vermilion — especially on a frosty day ; but you must allow there is a popular prejudice against the color. I don't mind it — it's no bar to happiness, or a squint either ; as you are aware, he has a slight impediment in the left eye. But that's nothing — the heart's the thing — the mmd, Mr. Barkins, the mind ! How- ever, he seems, notwithstanding, to have awakened a tender sentiment in some female. Bar. {Aside.) Then he has not forgotten Jessy ! Hang it ! the boy's incurable, and the Honorable Miss Dumps will have to marry another. — (Aloud.) Was he in a very melancholy mood when you *ast saw hini ? did he appear to be very lovesick, or homesick ? Plum. {Aside.) I suppose I must flatter the old boy ; it must be getting near the family luncheon hour. — {Aloud.) Why, yes, poor fellow, he said he longed to be sipping the generous old i)ort his father kept — to lunch again at — {Looks at watch. Aside.) It wants a quarter ! — {Aloud.) — at the good old English hour of three, instead of going tlirough the dull vulgar German one o'clock dinner. He l\jiMU^rcit/c4 J^ 3 z^ COOL AS A CUCUMBER. --^ - dwelt with particular emphasis on his good father's punctuality, and his profuse hospitality. Bar. ( With affected carelessness.) And what said he of his be- trothed ? Plum. Quite poetical, I assure you. He cut a couplet to her mera- mory, with his penknife, in the cabin door, talked of the happiness of the domestic fireside, and vowed Malthus was a monster. Bar. {Aside.) I must get the whole truth out of this fellow ; I had better ask him to dinner. — {Aloud.) To-day, Mr. Plumper, we dine at seven ; may I count upon the honor of your company r It is 80 long since I've heard from my boy Frederick, that I cannot eon- sent to part with one who has just seen him, and directly. Plum. Why, thank you, Mr. Barkins ; the fact is, I have prom- ised to take a chop with a friend of mine at the Carlton, at a little after seven. If you lunch early, Mr. Barkins, I shall be proud to take a snack with you. You will allow me to keep my appointment after- wards ? Bar. Certainly ! we lunch punctually at three, as usual. So, my boy, Frederick, is still in love, eh ? Plum. Over head and ears, poor fellow ! talked of living on love. I suggested a couple of chops, and a devilled kidney to follow. Bar. (Aside.) Was ever man so plagued? Well, it serves me right for having Jessy in the house. Plum. I've only been in England about ten days — was sent abroad to get rid of a certain — I may say constitutional bashfulness. Bar. {Sarcastically.) And you accomplished the purpose of your travels? \ •» '; ^ . Plum. Sclaj-cely ! I'm a little better, I believe ; but I've still much to learn. How odd, by the way, that I should find you out ! I hap- pened to see " Barkins " on the door, as I was passing — that reminds me, I'd have that brass plate cleaned, if I were you ; it looks very dis- reputable at present — and it struck me that it must be a connection of my old travelling companion, and in I cmne. This is not an un- pleasant situation. {Looking from iciadow, L. H. 2 i^ The grounds, I see, are a little out of order, and {sniffing) surely there must be a currier's in the neighborhood ; but, taking it altogether, I dare say you manage to liv£#[)BiJtty comfortably. Is the rent heavy ? Bar. {Aside.) -^oi, upon my word! — {Aloud.) Why, yes, Mr. Plumper, wc do support existence ; and I pay no rent, for the house is my own property. Plum. Well, I dare say you do manage to get through life. Noth- ing aff'ccts some people. Now, I could no more live here than in a rat-trap. Bar. (r. h. Aside.) I'm glad to hear that, however — {Aknid.) t wonder how a gentleman of your sensitive temperament can exist out of a glass case. Plum. {Affecting to laugh.) Not bad, for a man of your time of life. Bar. My time of life, sir ! Plum. I didn't say what time, whether twenty, or forty, or sixty — 1 simply said, <« your time of life." If age be a weak point with jrou, let's drop the subject. Come, Barkins senior, we musn't quarrel ; we're not old friends. f '«•--'' <'00L AS A CUCUMBER. ,.— ^^^gP««*^?ZtAj s (Plumper goes to table, pours out a glass of icine, and tosses it offiy < Ha ! that's by no means a bad glass of wine; a little doctored, per- *^ haps, but as sherries go, a very passable wine ! Come, take a glass, Barkins ; it won't hurt you. {Offers glass.) Bar. Thank you, sir. — {Asid^.) Now, this is cool ! Plum. With your permission, I'll ring for a biscuit. {Rings, l. h.) Enter Wiggins, d. l. h. 3 e. Let us have a biscuit or two, Susan ; don't send out, if you haven't any in the house ; a crust of bread will do — be quick ! , Wig, {Aside.) Well, I'm sure ! he's so impudent, master must LJtfij owe him something. — {Alottd.) Directly, sir! {Exit, d. l. h. 3 e.) Vwi Plum, Is Miss Honiton at home at the present moment ? '*»^^" Bar, Yes ; if you'll excuse me for a few minutes, I'll send her to ^, entertain yoxi, while I write one or two letters, to save post. ^^j Plum. Do so, my dear sir ; I see we've half an hour to spare. ^^ {Exit Barkins, d. r. h. 3 e.) v«£» The old fogy has money ; I'd swear it. Humph ! we must see what Jessy Honiton's like. Hang it, I'm afraid I'm hardly cured of my bashfulncss yet. AVhat the deuse shall I say to her ? Well, I'll fol- low my old governor's advice — Enter Wiggins, with biscuits, dessert plates, and small salver, b. l. u, ? b, — and put a bold front on matters ; besides, it's very well known ihat s ? . the bolder the man is, the more he pleases the women. {Advance* to- ">X^ ^ ioards her.) Susan, you're by no means ugly. If your nose was a little less developed, and you could remove those freckles, you'd be rather the touch. Win. (K.) My name's not Susan, sir ; it's Mary. — {Asidh.) What impudence ! Plum. {Aitetnpting to put his arm abotit her waist.) Well, it shan't te Susan, if you don't like it. {Attempts to kiss her.) COOL AS A CUCUMBER. 9 • Enter Miss Jessy Hoxiton, d. 3 e. ji. h. (Seeing Miss Hoxiton-, he pretends to he looking at Wiggixs's tooth.') It won't hurt ; pray let me see it. I, I should recommend vegetable stojh ping. — ( To Miss Hoxiton — crosses c.) Yojir very humble servant, Miss Honiton ; you will excuse the Hberty I have taken of examin- ing a tooth of your servant's that troubles her. ,t t Wig. {Aside.) "What a wicked man ! (^Exit, d. l. h. 3 e.) ^(AOMf^ Jessy. {Sits.) I shouhl thank you, on the contrary, sir. I am deputed by my uncle to receive you during his absence. I am afraid I have little to ojffer you. There are some pretty things in the Book of Beauty. Plum. Yourportrait then, I presume. — (Aside.) That's the style ! Jessij. O, sir ! {Aside.) I don't like his manner. rium. Your uncle, I presume, has told you that I have lately ar- rived from Germany, and that I there became acquainted with your cousin. He's a funny fellow — told me the drollest things about an engagement of his — read me some of the young lady's letters — ha, ha ! what rubbish they can write, to be sure ! Jessy. {Rising.) Mr. Plumper ! — {Aside.) It is so then ! I am ^ow the sport for his jests ! But I will learn all, and if , as I have too much cause to fear, he has yielded to his father's counsels, I will bear this weight of misery no longer. Dependence is, indeed, a hard condition ! Plum. {Aside.) What the dense is she mumbling about ? "Why, she's almost crying ! I've said nothing to vex her ; I must wait till she has finished, I suppose. There's no understanding women — Greek's ABC, compared to them. {Goes to table, pours out wine^ and eats biscuit.) Jessy, (r., tcith affected composure.) Was Mr. Frederick Barkins in perfect health, when you last saw him ? {Sits.) Plum, (l.) His animal spirits were wonderful ! He was a great favorite on board the boat ; and he had the finest cigars, in the pret- tiest cigar case in the world — evidently worked by some fair hand — he said by the writer of the letters. Jessy. {Aside.) Cruel Frederick ! Plum. {Aside.) I've seen plainer girls! I wonder how much the old imcle would stand ? In these times, one must make up one's mind to go at an enormous sacrifice. How to begin ? The best way's to tumble head over heels into the matter at once ! — (Aloud.) Hem ! You look sad, Miss Honiton — you are hungry, perhaps. {Looking at tvatch.) Your cook is not very punctual — if you will allow me, I'll ring and hasten the luncheon. {Rings.) Jessy. You are very kind, sir. Plum. Don't me ntion it, Miss Honiton. — {Aside.) We're coming fc, -o the point ! -Q a^<^ s, V«*U6^ f^ I i^ Enter Wiggins, d. 3 e. l. h. ^ U y .vir t(.'Oth better, Mary r Wig. Yes, ploar:e, sir. — Did you ting, miss ? Plum. No ! / rong, to hasten the luncheon ; it's after the houx, vou know. Wig. Just ready, sir. - - {Aside.) Well, he's the coolest gentlema» I ever saw ! {Exit, d. 3 e- l. n.^ IC OOOL AS A CteUMSEB. rium. (Sits.) You offer me the Book of Beauty there, b<)uni«o| upon the table, when I see the fairest page of that precious volume, ^ instinct with life, before me. Ah, Cupid, Cupid ! you're a second Tell, and I'm but a pippin ! Jessi/. (Ilaughtihj.) I don't understand you, sir ! Plum. {Aside.') Wants to draw me out — no, no, prudence whis- pers an interview with old Barkins first; but I'll just try my power. — (Aloud.) Pair Miss Iloniton, as the particular friend of your cousin — (Sniffs.) Pooh ! what a smell of onions ! They're cooking ducks, eh r "°TVymr sly rogue, won't teti^ eh ? — (Aloud.) As I was about to o!>scrve — let me, as the particular friend of your cousm — deputed, as I may say, by him, almost as himself, let me reverently — (is abou, to take Iter hand ; she rises.) Enter Barkins, d. r. h. 1 e., who affects not to have sem thetn. Bar. (Aside.) He's not a backward suitor at any rate ! I won- der what the fellow's prospects are ! -r- (Aloud.) My dear, see to this »uncheon at once, will you ? Plum. Allow me. (Hands her to door. — Exit Jessy, d. l. h. 3 e.) ^ Your niece is far from ugly, let me tell j'ou ; she's not quite plump I enough, perhaps. To be plain, old Barkins — in speech I mean, of " course, because, personally, as you will have perceived, it would be impossible — should I be — that is to say, of course I should be ac- cepted, were I to propose to your niece ; it would be false modesty -in me to doubt that for one moment. Bar. (r.) I will be candid with you, Mr. Plumper ; though our acquaintance is of so very recent a date, I will tell you at once thtt Miss Honiton is her own mistress. I'm a man of the world, sir Plum. (L., aside.) Now for a piece of rascality, of course ! Bar. And do not scruple to tell you that my niece may marry any body whom she may choose — a hippogrifF, Avere she to take a fancy for one ! Plum. That's liberal ; as your son has it, " deused liberal " ! Not that I can have any matrimonial intentions on such a very slight ac- quaintance ; but I always like to be on the safe side of matters. Ex perience has made me rather cautious. Bar. Indeed ! Phim. Yes, indeed. I've had terrible losses. Why, 1 lost a clear thirty thousand last week ! ^ar. (Aside.) A gambler ! — (Aloud.) Indeed ! how so ? Plum. How so ? why, went to a friend's party, to be introduced to an heiress ; gave five pounds for a handkerchief, and four poimda for et cetcras on the occasion, and she didn't come. She was Avorth thirty thousand pounds ; I had made up my mind to have her ; so, as I tell you, I was a cool thirty thousand out of pocket by the trans- action, 'a fortune of tRe'most gigantic amount couldn't stand such severe clipping ! Bar. A terrible niisfortime, certainly ! — (Aside.) What marvel- loiis assurance ! Plum. 1 say, I should like to wash ray hands. Perhaps you will be gooil enough to show nic tlie way to your room. Send me some hot water and a clean towel, and tell your cook not to serve up till I'm quite ready. f^^U^J^ re^ ^ /j^^-B ir-^ Bar. (JsiV/e.) "Well, Frederick has certain y sent home a curious q)ecimen ! — {Aloud,) With much pleasure, Mr. Plumper — this way ! {Jndicating d. l. 1 e.") Plum, {As thetj are going.') I take light wine ; and pray let the plates be hot ! 1 can eat only French mustard — and — and — let every thing be well seasoned ! {Exit, d. 1 e. l. h.) :^,^. Bar, Well, this may be German bashfulness, but in my opinion it's more like English imprudence! {Exit, d. 1 e. l. h>) Jessy. The struggle is past ; I am resolute, and will not oe deterred, nor pause in the execution of my design ! Despised by him, and sneered at and trampled upon by his father ! O ! pride, pri^. sup- port me ! As a governess I shall, at least, be left to myself, ifjr have to thank my bitterest enemy for my bread ! Enter WiGoniS, d. l. ii. 3 e. Wig. Luncheon's ready, miss ! Jessy, Mary, tell your master that I am unwell, and shall not ht at the table to-day. Wig, {Aside.) Another fib ! My wages must be raised if this f I goes on ! — (Aloztd.) Very well, miss ! {Exit, j>. i>. h. 3 e.) l^^f^*^ Jessy. It's a mockery to make a secret of my Sight ! Who would ycjt/^ hinder me ? Yet they shall not know where I am gone ; at least, v -^ they shall not watch my WTCtched hours. {Places a bundle of letters ^ O on the table.) There are Frederick's letters ! He will know how well I can repay his coldness ! And now I am free — free — to die without a friend ! {Exit, D. is, h. 3 e.) Enter Wiaaixs, d. l. h. 3 e. Wig. This Mr. Plumper is a cool gentleman ! He's making s good luncheon, however. Poor master got scarcely any thing ; and If he doesn't have his nap afterwards, there'll be no bearing him, {Bell rings.) That's to clear away. {Exit, J>. i/. h. 3 y..)'^' Enter Fuederick Barking, e, d., catetiousiy. Fred. So, here's the old room again ! I wonder whether the old Un^Gf^^ boy's at home. I shall be ruined if he sees me ! {Sees letters on the r table.) Stay, I know that handwriting ! {Reads.) " For !Mr. Fred- erick Barkins, from ISIiss Honiton." What can this mean ? Jessy ! Jessy ! have I stolen back from Germany for this ? Has she forsaken me — or is this my father's handiwork ? Pshaw ! perhaps it's only carelessness ; she has even now left the room ; and I, who lost the cigar case she gave me on the Bhine, mustn't complain of careless- ness. I'll ring, at all hazards, and know the worst at once ; and yet I scarcely have courage to brave the paternal thunder, especially as I have drawn upon the paternal banker's account to a considerable ex- ent. Softly ! I hear a man's footsteps. I must find a hiding- place ! {Passes out, c. D., as Plumper enters, d.il. h. 1 e., who sees him and runs after him.) Plum. What! a man retreating? By Jove! this* looks siis picious ! {Calling.) You sir ! you sir ! (Drags him back.) Nc, no, jou don't escape, my fine fellow I Where's my umbrella r 12 COOL AS A CUCCMBEE. Fred. (R.> releasing himself.) Sir, ycu will ansTrer me for thil aflfront ! Plum, (l.) Ay ! most probably before twelve highly respectable tradesmen. You'd better empty your pockets at once, and confess, and then we may, in our royal clemency, be lenient. Fred. Impertinent puppy ! Plum. This is no matter of mine, my fine fellow ; so I'll ring, and hand you over to the proper authorities. (J*ulUng him towards d.l.h.) Fred. For Heaven's sake, sir, desist ! Plum. Desist ? Not I ! no, no ; I've caught you in the act, and Bhall faithfully deliver you over to the master of the house. What ! you are not guilty. Then, pray, whose are these ? (^Snatches letters from Frederick's bosom.) Directed to the lady of the house ! Why, what a sentimental housebreaker ! (Frederick rushes at Plumper, and snatches at the letters ; Plumper grasps the hell-rope, on l. h.) Fred. Cowardly ruffian ! Plum. I'll send the servants for a policeman ; I wouldn't trust Tou for another ten minutes out of handcuffs, for a trifle ! Fred. {Aside.) I can't stand tliis; I should strangle the fellow ! -- {Aloud.) Sir, I have never before seen your face ! Plum. An assertion I am by no means anxious to contradict. -*• (Aside.) This comes of affability to the lower orders. Fred. And consequently cannot know on what terms of intimacy you may be with my father. Plum. Why, if he be one of your own profession, I think I may Bay, with some degree of confidence, that we have never been even introduced to one another. He doubtless belongs to that class of gentry denominated in our police reports ** light-fingered." Fred. Would you insult him in his own house ? Plum. What \ You don't mean to tell me he has had the au- dacity to break in on the ground floor, in broad daylight ? Fred. {Passionately.) Sir ! I am the son of Mr. Barkins ! Now, are j-ou satisfied ! jt^ . Plum. Satisfied of this — that you are the coolest, most undaunt- ^^ ed, and impudent thief that ever handled skeletons. You Mr. Bar- ^^'' kins's son ! Pshaw ! you'd better try another tack. But why do I talk with a low fellow ? {Goes towards bell, L. h.) Fred. {Desperately seizing his arm.) Hold, sir ! and hsten ! It Btrikes me that you are the lawless intruder, and that I have only to make known your presence here, to send you to secure quarters foi some time to come. {Going — Plumper stops him.) Plum. Now, upon my word, this is amusing. Fred. I am, I repeat it, the son of Mr. Barkins ; have just re- turned from the Rhine. Plum. Ha, ha ! very clever ! so have I. No ! that will not do ; try again. Fred. But have returned without his permission, and dare not make myself kno-wn. Plum. That's the most likely part of your history. Fred. I must restrain my temper, since I am in your hands — at your mercy. An attachment for my cousin, which ray father has forbidden, and to cme which he sent me away, has made me retura t9 my home thus secretly ; thus, as you say, like a felon. l^^^'T^^^C, COOL AS A CrCUMBEB. IS PltHf. Ha, J. a very like — very like! so like that there's nc taking y^ for *ny thing else. Fred. 1 care not for yovir foolish jests, sir ; I only trust you may be able to account for yourself as honorably as I. Plum. {Aside.} That's delicious ! there's assurance ! If I could only take a le?8on from him ! but no, it's born with people. — (Aloud.) I tell you what it is, sir, though there's not the slightest doubt of your being a consummate scoundrel- Fred. (Anide.) I shall choke the brute ! Plum. Yet you're not without a rude sagacity and ready wit, which please me. Now, I teU you what I'll do with you ; I'll secure you in a cabinet just beyond this room, and tell your ingenious story to Mr. Barkins, your — ha ! ha ! — your father. If he choose to let a man of your desperate character off, well and good. / shall have no more to say on the subject. Fred. I assent to your proposal. — {Aside.') It's my only chance of escape. If the governor should see me, he wouldn't allow mc another sixpence ; and as for poor Jessy Plum. Here comes Mr. Barldns ! this way — quick ! Enter BarkIxs, d. l. n. 3 e., yaivning, and with a handkerchi^ ovat his head. Bar. I wonder where this Mr. Plumper is ' O ! I dare say h« has gone to give directions for dinner ; he certainly is cool. If it was not on Frederick's account I'd kick him out of the house. Hang that Jessy, too ! another freak in her head ! It was an unfortunate day when I located her in my house. WJio'll marry hei* ? except that fool of a boy of mine ! Enter Plumper, d. k. h. I e. He ovci'hears Barkixs. She hasn't a penny, nor won't have from me. Plum, (l., aside,) That's a settler ! Adieu, fair Honiton ; my heart is broken. — {Aloud.) "Well, Mr. Barkins, how are you by this time ? {Throws himself upon sofa.) Do you take coffee about this time ? Bar. (r.) Not usually before dinner. Plum. Bless my soul ! Now, do you know I never think I have lunched without I have ray coffee, and my chasse caf&. I got the habit in Paris, and it has stuck to me. Bar. {Aside.) That's not bad. — {Ahud.) "Would you like a cuj* now, Mr. Plumper ? It can be made instantly. Plum. Ay, if it's not troubling you. It must be strong, or it's an abomination. Bar, {Ringi.) Enter Wiggins, d. l. h. 3 e. Wiggins, make a cup of coffee as quickly as possible for Mr. Plumper- Plum. Yes ; and, "Wiggins, I don't want much — not a pailful — I jnly require a small cup ; but it must be good and quite hot. Brin^ also a small glass of cogmac. {Exit Wiggins, d. 3 e. l. h.) Bar. {Aside.) Curse his impertinence ! Plum. {Taking out cigars.) Bo you smoke? Bar. No, I thank you, sir. 14 COOL AS A CrCUMBER. Plum. You'll excuse me, as there are no laaes with as. You see smoke is as needful to me, I may say, as air ind food ; in fact, I believ^ I was brought up upon tobacco water, ana weaned upo i che- roots, (^Ldghts cigai\ looking round.) You've gof old curtains, I see; the smoke can't hurt them. What I can see /of them, the soonei they are smoked out the better. Now, my good friend Barkins, I've rather a droll story to tell you ; pray be scated.JL I need scarcely in- form you that I left you fast asleep just no^^^A^^ the drawing room. Without pausing to pass anj' severe reflections upon such a breach of good manners, I will at once tell you that I thought I would take a stroll over the premises. It's a deused inconvenient house, by the way — and — and — where's your wine cellar ? I should say not far from the kitchen oven, by the wine. It must be very convenient for keeping a constant supply of mulled claret and port. Bar. My good sir ! Plum. Pray do not interrupt me ! There's a housebreaker in the house. Bar. Good Heavens, Mr. Plumper ! Bnter Wiggins, d. l. h. .3 e., with coffee, xchich she places upon table^ near the head of the sofa, and exits, D. l. h. 3 E. Plum. (Deliberatehj stirring and sipping coffee, and synoking.') There's nothing to be alarmed at — I've secured him in your bed room. Bar. You alarm me, sir ! — pray speak ! (Frederick appears listening at c. doors.) Plum. Wait a minute ; my throat's dry. (Sips coffee.) Well, now, make yourself comfortable ; he hasn't run away with youi pretty niece. Bar. {Aside.) I'm afraid not. Plum. Come, you shall have the matter in a few words. When I came into tliis room, about half an hour ago, I saw two coat tails disappearing through yonder door, and at once suspecting — for I am a shrewd fellow, when I like — that there might possibly be a man at- tached to the said coat tails, I gave chase, and dragged back a surly, ill -looking, pig-headed fellow, (Frederick shakes his fst at back,) who, by his looks, hasn't been many weeks from Brixton, and under- stands cylindrical motion perfectly, I should say. Well, as you may guess, my presence — which is any thing but unimposing, they tell me — awed him. Bar. Did he carry arms ? Plum. I can't say ! He is still in the house, however, and the f*'.t can easily be ascertained. Bar. I must call in the police — zounds ! we shall be murdered ! Plum. Gently, my good sir, gently ; he can't escape. / felt almost inclined to pardon the rogue, for his keen humor. Ha, ha ! he was #ideviits1i ready ! The assurance, too, with which he told his story, was wonderful — wonderful ! at least to me ; but then that may be my unhappy bashfulness. Now, to you, I dare say, he would not have appeanid so very self-possessed ! but I must tell you his stcry. He said — ha, ha ! — that he M'as your son, just returned from the Rhine, in disguise, to carry on a secret flirtation with your niece. In procjf of his assertion, he had a bundle of letters, which I snatched from uira. The joke of it is, tha! the fellow's no more like your son Frjpd' ^ (/O 144^^^"^ ^^r<-diJi^ 6^ Well, 1 suppose I must give it to her. {Gives her brandy/.) Come, for a person in a swoon she has got a goo3. color ! I wonder whether she is cold ! ^iia tv kir r ) ' No, no ! come, Mary, Mary ! this'll not do ! Sit up — sit up ! {Puis hit arm round her waist, and tries to raise her. ) Wig. {Fai?ithj.) "Where am I ? Take care of my cap ! £nUr Barkins, %mpejveived,with a letter^ his hand, D. R. H. 3 E. Why, in tho arms of your devoted admirer ! VMiere would you be ? Wig. {Perceiving JjARKINS.) Master! {iStarts up and adjusts her dress.) Phi:n. Tl'sjbettcr now — eh, Mary ? you'd better have it out. (WiG- Gixs n:;}- out',iy. L. H. 1 r,.) Bar. You're a very affectionate and sympathetic dentist, Mr. Plumper ! Plum, ^iilhi tu BjLii.'Qja^ — W a 'rc men of tho wor I d, . i^arliiu3 , t i try jJ m ^ 1 IiIjtIiij ii }'Ott uiidorot a nd mo ji 't {Goes up and loolcs from win doxjo, L. H. 2 E.) Bar. I'm dumb with astonishment ! As for Miss Jessy, I'll Plum. By Jove ! there's the housebreaker below, brandishing his anna to 3Iiss Jessy. Hang it ! he's dragging her up here ! Be on your guard, Barkins ; here he comes, dragging her after him ! Now, as they pass, we must be upon them! "A British female in distress ? " — to arms. Bar- kins, to arms ! {Seizes a chair, and stands in attitude of defence.) Bar. {Takes poker from fireplace, and going towards L. D. 3 E.) Down with the r iscal ! Enter Frederick, leading on Jessy, d. l. h. 3 e. Plum. Now then, Barkins, are you ready ? Bar. (Dropping poker.) Frederick ! Plum. Where's your courage, Barkins ? Take care of your pockets, Miss Hoiiton. Fi'ed. Sir, Miss Iloniton has informed me of your impudent impos- ture, and the first act I shall perform, now that I am in the presence of my father, is to rid his house of a barefaced adventurer. Plum, (c, /o Barkins.) Do you hear him ? Ha, ha! — (ToFred., advanciv^ towards him.) Now, to be serious, I tell you what it is, my fine fello^- ! Bar. Mr. Plumper, you are addressing my — I am ashamed to say it — my son. Plum. Yoar eon ! not the same I met on the Rhine ? Fred. (2b Parkins.) And wherefore ashamed, sir ? I have a right to ask, wherefore ashamed ? Plum. {Aside.) His son ! what, the burglar ! he must have two sons, then ! this is decidedly not the fellow I met on the Rhine. — {To Fred.) Pluckily spoken ! — {To Barkins.) The boy's right, Barkins senior. Bar. (J'oFi.ED.) I tell you trhat it is, Frederick. This gentleman has told me that to him, who was alm'^st £ stranger to you, you talked in the most stupid, lov^ick tone fif — weii, lincc ^liss Haniton courts pub- COOL AS A CUCUMBER. 17 licity, she must not blame me for my bluntness — in uhort, of your cousin Jessy. Fred. Permit me to say, that I have never seen th^s person — this Mr. Plumper — before in my life, and that if he told you Plum. Gently, good sir ; gen-Hy. I will spare you a further syllable. — (To Barkins.) I never saw this person, whom you own as your son, be- fore, in the whole checkered covjse of my existence. I've had my misfor- tunes, certainly ; but this has not been one of them. This son is doubt- less the brother of the gentleman whose acquaintaRce I had the honor of making on the Rhine. Bar. (Passionately to Plumper.) Sir ! I begin to think I have been egregiously humbugged. I have only one son, and he stands before you. Plum. Why fly into a passion, sir ? You have not been contradicted. Who said that you had not been egregiously humbugged ? I'm sure / did not — did I, Barkins junior ? — {Aside.) Now, I see it all — the mist is clearing from my eyes ; yes, that must be it ! ha, ha ! {Bursts into a loua Jit of lattffhter.) riwi^li good ! Capital ! Ired. Sir. this is no tme for equivocation and laughter. Plum. I agree with you entirely — yet it's so deviMrti funny. Fred. To be brief, can you explain your very questionable proceedings In this house ? Plum. In a few words. I went abroad a few years since, to cure my- self of a constitutional, almost morbid sh}Tie'^s, as your father will tell you — though I am sure he has done his utmost to put me at my ease; well, to return to the Rhine. On the boat I met an individual, who, struck with my bearing, entered into conversation with me, and offered me one of the finest cigars I have ever tasted ; by the way, do you smoke r Fred. Proceed, sir ! Plum. I don't wonder at your anger ; you're a little sore about the bur- 5lury business, eh ? Ha, ha ! Now I understand all about the letters, you rogue. Well, to proceed with my explanation. Upon his cigar case was worked in large characters, and blue silk, — evidently by a tender fe- male hand, — the name " Frederick Barkins," and on the reverse side, a lover's knot, and (/ar/e d'amour. The fellow told me, a girl who was sweet upon him gave him the trifle ; of course, I now see that this was only hiy. brag. His red hair wasn't your red hair ; you haven't an impediment in your left eye. I was passing this way this morning — saw " Barkins " on the brass plate — thought it must be a relation of the same Barkins; I knocked — was admitted — saw Mr. Barkins senior — told him that I had met Mr. Frederick Barkins on the Rhine ; it now appears that I only met his cigar case ; you kuow the rest. Jessy. {Aside to Fred.) That was my present, Frederick. Fred. The truth is, Mr. Plumper, the cigar case was not in the pos session of its la\vful owner. I am son-y to say that I lost it crossing the channel ; but I would give any money to have it returned. Bar. What would you give, eh r How much ? Suppose I say yoi shall not give a sixpence ? Frederick, you have played an underhand game. And as for you. Miss Jessy, I Fred. I will answer for her, sir ! Plum. Quite the wind up of a melo-drama, to be sure. IXere, bcx- keeper. show me to a seat. {Takes a chuir, and sits.) i'- Fred. {^To Barkixs.) It is true, sir, that you sent me away; that I went, promising — forgive me, Jessy ! — to forget your brother's daughter. You had other views for me ; but they are now at an end, «nce she who was to have conferred wealth and honors upon me is wedded to another. Plum. Wliat! the Honorable Miss Dumps? Bravo! bravo! the old gentleman must relent, or I, as one of the audience, will not be satisfied. Fred. (a. c.) Permit me, since it is my own happiness at stake, and not yours, to seek it where I am sure I shall find it — here. {Takes Jbs- iiy's hand ) Do you refuse ? No, you cannot ! Ct^(-^KAA vtv ^cJiUa OyfTHc^ ^ 'X, OOOL A« . OUOL'MBEK. l^iijfi. Of course not! This scene's very '.veil worked u,>l Now, Barkins seuior. perform your part, after the approved fashion ! Don't let us go to bed to dream of stony-hearted parents cursing tlieir devot- ed cliildren — come. Bar. (l., to Fred.) Vou have chosen for yourself, sir — chosen f\.' yourself. Fred. Chosen to be happy, sir. Bar. Perhaps you'll choose to X:^/? yoursalf also, sir ; I shall mat? no provision for you. Plvm. "Why, Barkins senior, you're not going to play the stony - liearted father of the olden time nowadays ! This isn't fair, when peo- ple have paid their money to hear all things end happily. Barkins jun- ior, say something stirring about love in a attago ; though, for my part, I shall never believe that Cupid and cold mutton are friends. Fred. I have still faith in my father's mercy. Bar. You'll have neither my consent nor ray money, sir ! Pium. That's your final determination, is it ? What interlopers par- ents are — 1 wish we could do without them. You're firm as granite, sir. Bar. Every bit of it ! Hum. Well, then nothing more can bo said. We must drop the cur- tain at once. (Curtain descends : he is left in front.) This is a disgrace, ful state of things, and I beg tnat the company will understand that i have done my best to keep this old gentleman up to the mark ; but it's all of no use. What are we to do to nnish the piece? he won't consent, and I never met with such an obstinate old fellow— did you ? Bar. {Calls beldnd.) Mr. Plumper, I relent, I relent ! Plvm. Eh? what? up with the curtain. (^Curtain rises, and discovert Barkin's in chair., Fredkkic a/i(/ Jessy kneeling.) You, granite? Why, you're not even pumice stone. (Plumper places chair beldnd them, giita on it, places his hat on the spike of his umbrella, then opens, holds it over them., and sat/?.) Bless you, my children I There, that's more like th« laisn of a piece. Now, then, red fire 1 tableau ! SITUATIONS. Plumpkb. Barkins. /