I
 
 
 
 -tffe\

 
 THE 
 
 HISTORY 
 
 O F 
 
 THE FAMOUS PREACHER 
 
 FRIAR GERUND 
 
 DE CAMPAZAS: 
 
 OTHERWISE 
 
 GERUND ZOTES. 
 
 TRANSLATED FROM THE SPANISH. 
 H-O/Krm^ NMty**4 J] 
 IN TWO VOLUMES. 
 
 VOL. I. 
 
 LONDON, 
 
 Printed for T. DAVIES, in Ruflel Street, Covent-Gardcn 
 and VV. FLEXNEY, in Holborn. 
 
 MDCCLXXIt.
 
 V.I 
 
 ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 /N an account of the Original of the fol- 
 kii'ing tranflathn, amongjl other things 
 it is faid That the Hiftoria del Fray Ge- 
 rundio, publifhed (the firft volume) in 
 Madrid in 1758, was written [under 
 the name of Francis Lobon de Salazar, 
 minifter of the parilh of St. Peter in 
 Villagarcia, &c.] by the Father Jofeph 
 Francis Ida, a Jefuit, with the laudable 
 view to correct the abufesof the Spanifli 
 pulpit by turning the bad preachers 
 into ridicule Thar%is book was de- 
 corated with the approbations of feverai 
 of the mod learned and refpedlable 
 people in Spain to whom he had com- 
 municated it in manufcript That the 
 .Inquifitors themfelves encouraged him 
 to the publication, and bore teftimony 
 in writing to the laudableneis of the 
 work, which they were of opinion 
 would in a great meafure bring about 
 the wifhcd-for reformation That one 
 A 2 of 
 
 ' .
 
 ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 of the revifors for the Inquifition fays, 
 " it is one of thofe lucky expedients 
 that indignation and hard neceflity 
 fuggeft when the beft means have 
 proved ineffectual," and ; " nor are we 
 to find fault if the dofe of cauftic and 
 corroiive falts is fomewhat too ilrong, 
 as Cancers are not to be cured with 
 Rofe- water." That* not withftanding 
 the approbation of the Inquifition and 
 of feveral of the moil learned amongft 
 the Spanilh clergy, fome Orders, efpe- 
 cially the Dominican and Mendicant, 
 rofe up againft this book as foon as it 
 was printed, reprffefenting to the king 
 that the refpect due to the minifters of 
 the Gofpel would be too much dimi- 
 niflied by fuch a piece of mercilefs cri- 
 ticifm, and all religious Orders render- 
 ed ridiculous in the eyes of the vulgar ; 
 the confequence of which would be a 
 relaxation, if not a fubverfion of the 
 religion of the country That this and 
 other fuch arguments urged by the 
 Friars with the greateft vehemence, 
 
 and
 
 - ADVERTISEMENT, 
 and fupponcd alfo by feveral of the 
 bifliops, obliged the Council of Caftile 
 to take the book into their moft ferious 
 coniideration, which produced a fup- 
 preilion of it, rather for the fake of 
 peace than from any other motive 
 That the Father Ifla had a fecond vo- 
 lume ready, but that the prohibition of 
 the firfl put a flop to the publication 
 of the fecond That the Father had 
 prefented his only copy of this fecond 
 volume, partly written by a careful 
 amanucnfis, and partly with his own 
 hand, to the Gentleman who gives this 
 account, and who was pleafed very 
 obligingly to lend it to the tranflator 
 That as to language and ftyle, this Gen- 
 tleman is of opinion, few nations have 
 any thing finer than Friar Gerund, and 
 the prefent age has not produced a 
 more humourous performance That 
 bethinks the Spaniards quite right who 
 put it upon a par in many refpccls with 
 the celebrated work of Cervantes That 
 the manners of the Spanifh Friars and 
 the Spanifh vulgar are defcribed in it 
 
 to
 
 ADVERTISEMENT*. 
 
 to admiration That in one refpeclj 
 however the modern Cervantes is infe- 
 rior to the old, viz. in his having ftufT- 
 ed fome of his chapters, unfeafonably 
 interrupting the ftory, with too much 
 declamation againft a Portuguefe book 
 not worth a long confutation, and with 
 fome epifodical criticifms on foreign 
 learning, in which he talks with too 
 much peremptorinefs of what he was 
 but indifferently qualified to talk of. 
 
 Mr. BararsPropofalforpubnjhingby Su bfcnptlon 
 a complete Edition in Spanijb of the Hifloria del 
 
 A 1 ray Gerundio, Sec. 
 
 ?o obviate t bis fde objection, the cenfurable 
 tSthsfa mentioned In the lajl of the above e^ 
 tratls, are omitted in the tranjlation, in which 
 fome of the didattic parts likewife are curtailed, 
 aS> ^ruer proper andnecejjary they might be 
 to the fl ncere dcf lgn of doing g ood vhich feems 
 to have animated the Author, it vas ar^ 
 
 iven in their full 
 they might have appealed to the 
 
 *% i m&d vhkb conveys any 
 
 Jiroke
 
 ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 Jlroke of character, or in 'which tke hi/lory Is 
 at all concerned. 'The reader who confults 
 amufement merely, may perhaps think that the 
 tranjlator has been too fcrnpulous in the exer- 
 rife of this liberty, 'which be thought hitnfclf 
 jujlijied in taking : And whether the book is to 
 be read in this country to any other purpofe 
 than that of mere amufement be does not pre- 
 fume to judge: But not to have taken fome no- 
 tice offuch peflages would have been highly in- 
 jurious to the Author s character in point of 
 Humanity; as in that cafe, the poor creatures 
 who are the objects of bisjittire had to appear- 
 ance been left by him without injlrutfions for 
 . reforming the abufes by which it was excited.
 
 ERRATA. 
 
 P, z6, I. 5, after heard in fert that. P. 30. 1. 7, for fufplice 
 read furplice. P. 49, 1. 6. for fbo read to ; 1. 12, after practical 
 clofethe quotation. P. 56, I. 3, for miserable read miferabtf. 
 P. 59, 1. 17, dele the repetition of // more. P. 64, 1. *o, dele 
 the (top after Spain. P. 65, I. 26, after ivit infert ourV^. P. 
 So, 1. n, after put infert it. P. 82, 1. i, after raz/os a comma. 
 P. 87, in the note, for iuould give read could give. P. 95, 1. 19* 
 for his read this; 1. 20, for ugereadfuge. P. 105, I. 13, after 
 of a comma. P. 114, in the note, for ammogliarme read am- 
 mogliarmi. P. 115, 1. 16, for or read a^, P. 125,!. penult, 
 for brijky read brijkly. P. 127, 1. i, after mofl dele M^. P. 171, 
 1. ii. tor know read nonu. P. 181, 1. n, for poffeffion read/>ro- 
 feffion. P. 187, 1. 26, after zi? inftead of a full ftop a comma. 
 P. zoo, in the note, for miniena read" minima. P. 208. for of, 
 the catch-word, readyo. P. 223, 1. 16, for di read dit; 1. 22, for 
 perdoies read perdois\ 1. 25, after s'agenouilla a comma. P. 2*5, 
 1. 13, for 'was read otw^. P. 318,!. 11, before mtreat infert 
 I. P. 400, 1. 17, for efficacily read efficacioujly. The tranflator 
 had been mifinformed concerning the words Corito and Alojero 
 in p. 20. He has fince feen an explanation of them by the 
 Author. Corito means a wine porter, from Cuero, the leather 
 bag or bottle in which wine is conveyed ; an occupation much 
 followed by the Afturians. An Alojero is a retailer of a kind 
 of metheglin, called Afoja, and he is generally a mountaineer.
 
 t HE 
 
 DEDICATION. 
 
 T O 
 
 THE P U B L I C. L f 
 
 MOST MIGHTY SIR, 
 
 THUS let me ftyle you ; as in 
 truth there has not exifted 
 fince Adam, nor \vill there exift to 
 the end of the world, a more mighty 
 perfonage than your worfhip. Who 
 fo turned the earth topfy-turvy, 
 that, in the courfe of a few genera- 
 tions, its face could not have been 
 known again by the mother who bore 
 it? Your worfhip. Who founded 
 monarchies ancTempires ? Your wor- 
 VOL. I. B fhip.
 
 2 DEDICATION. 
 
 fhip. Who ruined them afterwards, 
 or transferred them whitherfoever the 
 whim direded ? Your worfhip. Who 
 introduced into the world the dif- 
 tindtion of orders and degrees ? Your 
 worfhip. Who preserves them or 
 confounds them wherever it feemeth 
 good unto him ? -Your worfhip 
 The mifchief is, that, when your 
 worfhip is ftrongly bent upon, a 
 fcheme, the ALMIGHTY only has 
 power to prevent its execution. 
 
 And if from corporeal we pafs to 
 intellectual power y whofe judgment^ 
 opinion, or reafon is, or ever has been,, 
 fo abfolute and defpotic as your wor~ 
 fhip's? It is an acknowleged thing, 
 that after divine and natural law, the 
 law of your worfhip, which is thac 
 of nations, is the moft refpeded and 
 obeyed of any in the world : and this 
 too in cafes where the law of nations 
 and that of nature may bedifterent. A 
 7 con-
 
 DEDICATION. 3 
 
 controverfy in which I fhall not in- 
 termeddle, as it fignifies not a rufh 
 to my fubject. But it is certain, that, 
 let your worfhip once command, re- 
 folve, decree, and determine any 
 thing, All muft necefiarily obey ; for 
 your worfhip being All, and All be- 
 ing your worfhip, it is neceflary 
 that All do, what All would have 
 done. I defy every hiftorian to (hew 
 me fo refpected a legiflator. 
 
 It fee med good in your worship's 
 eyes, that certain men, knowing cer- 
 tain matters, fhould be called wife, 
 and that they who knew them not 
 fhould be called ignorant, though well 
 inftruded in other arts, more ufeful, 
 or at leaft as ufeful, to human life: 
 and your worfhip has carried your 
 point. Throughout the world, the 
 divine, the lawyer, the phyiician, the 
 philofopher, the mathematician, the 
 critic, in a word, the man of letters, 
 B 2 is
 
 4 D E D I G A T I O N. 
 
 is accounted wife; and the hufband- 
 man, the carpenter, the mafon, and 
 the fmith, are reputed ignorant, 
 the former we fpeak uncovered, and 
 treat them refpefifuily : we thou the 
 latter and hear or command then 
 with" our hats on our heads. Why 
 fo ? Becaufe it Co pleafes THE PUBLIC. 
 In confequence of this and to 
 draw nearer to what more imports 
 me your worfhip alone, yes certain- 
 ly, your worfhip alone, has the power 
 to give or deny credit to writers and 
 their works; your worfhip alone ex- 
 alts or debafes them as you think fit; 
 your worfhip alone introduces them 
 into the temple of fame, or condemns 
 them to the dungeon of ignominy ; 
 your worfhip alone perpetuates their 
 memory, or, as foon as they fee the 
 light, delivers them to the flames, and 
 fcatters their afhes before the wind, I 
 fpeak with confidence, but at the 
 I fame
 
 DEDICATION. 
 
 fame time with the greateft truth. 
 Writers, therefore, who want a ftiield 
 to defend, a fortrefs to fecure, or a 
 patron to protect them, have to feek 
 it only in your worfliip. 
 
 Pardon me, an* pleafe your wor- 
 fhip, the weaknefs of quoting myfelf. 
 In the eighth 'chapter of the . firft 
 book of this hiftory, which is of the 
 paft, the prefent, and the future, I 
 laugh, and I think juftly, at thofe 
 \vhodcdicatetheirworkstopcrfonages 
 of high rank and dignity, thinking, 
 and even telling them in their dedi- 
 cations, that they thereby place their 
 faid works in iecurity againft the 
 (hafts of criticifm, malignity, and en- 
 vy. Poor men ! Has not fo long ex- 
 perience yet undeceived them ? Ne- 
 ver yet did any one fingle individual 
 of thefe dignified perfonages draw 
 his fword to defend the author, who 
 had fought him for a Mecenas ; nor, 
 B 3 what
 
 6 DEDICATION. 
 what is more, though he fhould have 
 drawn it and handled it with ever fo 
 much addrefs, was it in his power to 
 defend him. Suppofmg him to be 
 the moft powerful monarch in the 
 world he might heap honours on 
 the deferving author ; he might de- 
 cree, that, in his dominions, nothing 
 fhould be written or fpoken againft 
 him ; and that a refpeci, an outward 
 refpecl, fhould be implicity given to 
 his works. But can he hinder the 
 teeth of ignorance, of envy, and of 
 malevolence from biting them, and 
 tearing them to pieces in their fecret 
 dens ? Can he prevent, out of his 
 dominions, their being tilted at by 
 critics of all denominations ? 
 
 Let us then undeceive ourfelves : 
 your worfliip only has this great 
 power; becaufe yourworfbip only in 
 this and many other particulars be 
 it known Ifpeak of things under the 
 
 mooa
 
 DEDICATION. 7 
 
 moon can do whatfoever you are 
 pleafed to do. Should THE PUBLIC 
 will that no one mutter a fyllable a- 
 gainft a work, no one will mutter a 
 fyllable againft it ; that all fhould ce- 
 lebrate it outwardly and inwardly, it 
 (hall be fo celebrated by all ; that it be 
 reprinted a thoufand times, a thou- 
 fand times it mall be reprinted. Nor 
 is this power limited to this or that 
 country or dominion, but extended 
 wide as the far-fpreadjng circuit of 
 the world- 'Wherever there are men, 
 there is a PUBLIC; for the Public is 
 all men: at lead THE PUBLIC to whom 
 I dedicate my work, is, THE PUBLIC 
 of Spain, of France, of Italy, of Eng- 
 land, of Germany, of Tartary, of 
 Mufcovy, of China, and of Califor- 
 nia. Now if I fhould be fo happy as 
 that all men mould take it under 
 their protection, of whom fliould I 
 be afraid ? I am well aware that 
 B 4 this
 
 & DEDICATION. 
 
 this good fortune is rather to be en- 
 deavoured at than hoped for. 
 
 But, fir, whatever it may turn out, 
 I {hall chearfully fubmittoit. Under 
 your wing I feek for fhelter, and fb- 
 licit your patronage alone. Perhaps 
 the work, fuch as it is, may not me-* 
 rit it, but the intention is not unde- 
 ferving of it. I am with the moft 
 profound refped, 
 
 MOST MIGHTY SIR, 
 
 Your leaft part, 
 FRANCISCO LOBON de SALAZAR, 
 
 THE
 
 THE 
 
 PREFACE, 
 
 WITH AN 
 
 H E L M E T 
 
 FOR let us fpeak plainly a galeated 
 preface would be too latinized a term 
 for a work not profefTedly divine. Though 
 the hero of it is fuppofed to have been a 
 preacher, and a prieft of th.e mafs *, yet 
 undeceive yourfelf, my good reader -, for 
 he faid as many mafies as he preached fer- 
 mons. I conceived him, I brought him 
 forth, I ordained him, and I licenfed him 
 to preach ; for all which I have the fame 
 authority and the fame power as to make 
 him a bilhop or pope. If you think not, 
 tell me in truechriftian fmcerity what rea- 
 fon there is if Plato took the liberty to 
 
 * In full orders. 
 
 conftitute
 
 io PREFACE. 
 
 conftitute a republic in imaginary fpace,- 
 Defcartes to figure to himfelf a world at . 
 his pleafure, and many modern philofo- 
 phers (Copernicus holding the candle and 
 our friend Fontenelle giving it a fnuff) to 
 create in their fancy as many thoufands of 
 worlds as there are thoufands of fixed ftars,. 
 and all inhabited "by good and true men of 
 Bern, and blood, neither more nor lefs than 
 our very felves-*-tell me, I fay, what rea- 
 fon there is, divine or human, why my 
 imagination mould not divert itfelf in fa- 
 bricating a little, tight, brifk, well-maven 
 predicator, and making him aft, think, 
 and hold forth juft as I fhall take it into 
 my head ? Were the imaginations of thcfc 
 worthy gentlemen, and an hundred others 
 I could name, endowed with any particu- 
 lar privilege which is wanting to mine, tho' 
 a poor and finful one ? 
 
 What, then, you will fay, was there ne- 
 ver fuch a perfon as Friar Gerund in the 
 world ? Fair and foftly. Let me take 
 a pinch of fnuff, for this queftion of 
 yours is a tight one. There, now I 
 have taken it, and am about to anfvver you. 
 Look ye, my good Sir, a Friar Gerund of 
 Campazas, with this very name, there is 
 not, there never was, and in all probabi- 
 lity,
 
 PREFACE, ir 
 
 Jity, there never will be. But preaching 
 'Gerunds, or genmdical preachers, with 
 Friar and without, with Don and without 
 Don, with cap and with cowl *, in 
 fine, of all habits, and colours, and forts, 
 and fizes, there have been, there are, and, 
 if God does not prevent it, there will be 
 as thus. When I laid " as thus" J brought 
 all the ends of my fingers together in a 
 bunch, as our cuftom is to exprefs multi- 
 tude. I do not fay that in any of them 
 are united all the abfurdities of my beloved 
 Gerund, for though this is not abfolutely 
 impofTible, yet neither is it necefTary; but 
 that there are plentiful famples of them, 
 fcattcred here and there, more falling to 
 the (hare of one, and lefs to that of an- 
 other, is a thing fo evident, that we may 
 touch it, as well as fee it,with our very eyes. 
 Then what have I done ? No other than what 
 is done by all compofers of ufeful novels and 
 inflruclive epic poems. They propofe an 
 hero, either true or feigned, in order to 
 make him a perfect model either of arms, 
 
 * Cap, the Graduates of univerfities and all the fe- 
 cular clergy: cowl, all monks and fiiars, that is, all the 
 regular clergy. 
 
 The fecular clergy arc the parifli-minifters, &c. the 
 regular, the profeffed religious, who live together in 
 communities. 
 
 or
 
 12 PR E FACE. 
 
 or letters, or policy, or of the moral vir- 
 tues- for of the evangelical we have e- 
 nough and to fpare, if we would but follow 
 them. They gather from this, and that, 
 and the other quarter, all which appears 
 conducive to the perfection of this idol of 
 theirs, in the .character in which they 
 would turn him out to you completely 
 equipped. They apply it to him with in- 
 vention, proportion, and grace, contriving 
 fuch events as they judge moft natural^ to 
 connedt the hillory with the exploits, and 
 the exploits with the hiilory- and there's 
 an epic poem for you, in verfe or in 
 profe, as daintily tofled up as heart can 
 wim. 
 
 What elfe, think you, did Homer with 
 hisUlyfles, Virgil with his Eneas, Xeno- 
 phon with his Cyrus, Barclay with his 
 Argenis, Quevedo with his Tacano, Cer- 
 vantes with his Quixote, and Fenelon with 
 liis Telemachus ? And, if you have a mind 
 that we mew a little more learning at final! 
 cxpence, do you fuppoie that the Works 
 and Days of Hefiod, the Hero and Leandcr 
 of Mufeus, or whoever he was, the Adonis 
 of Marino, the Dragontea of Lope de Ve- 
 ga, and the Numantina of Don Francifcp 
 Mofquera, were any other than epic po, 
 
 ems,
 
 P R E F A C Er ij 
 
 cms, more or lefs. perfect, or more or lefs 
 adjured to thofe laws which the epopei- 
 arcs and legiflators have thought proper to 
 promulgate? Come, don't turn up your 
 nofc at me, and tell me that amongft the 
 works I have cited, there are fome in 
 profe, and confequently that they cannot 
 belong to the clafs of epic poems. Surely 
 .you are an ill-humoured creature! Whe- 
 ther verle is, or is not, eflcntial to an epic 
 poem, is a queftion which has warm ef- 
 poufers for each fide, and they have made 
 the devil to pay about it. Take you the 
 fide which you think flrongeur, knowing 
 that hitherto no pope or general council 
 has determined it, and thus you will not 
 be obliged to abjure, even de /evi *, which 
 ever of the opinions you may follow. 
 
 But if you will ftill obftinately maintain 
 that my poor Friar Gerund merits not the 
 lofty (eat and crimfon velvet of epic poetry, 
 as well becaufe it is written in plain down- 
 right profe, and mean enough o' confci- 
 ence, as becaufe my hero is indeed no em-r 
 peror, or king, or duke, or not even t, 
 
 * Alluding to the different abjurations in the inqui- 
 fition, de levi, & de vehement'^ according as the i~ui;n- 
 ticn or indication of the error to be abjured has been 
 light or vehement. 
 
 land-
 
 *4 PREFACE. 
 
 landgrave, which was the leaft he could 
 be to obtain a feat in the Epic Diet, accord- 
 ing to the opinion of the poetical lawyer 
 Horace ; 
 
 Res gefttz regumque ducumqut & triftia lella 
 Qua fcribi pojfint numero monftravit Homerus ; 
 
 and laftly becaufe the character, or princi* 
 pal perfonagf, of every epic poem, which is 
 Tihe Hero, is wanting to my work, taking 
 it for granted that the miferable Gerund is 
 'not only not a defcendant from the gods 
 but not even from the Cid Campeador, 
 Lain Calvo, or Nuiio Rafura, which at leaft 
 was necefTary to give him the inveftiture of 
 heroifm, befides the total want of other 
 indifpenfable qualities for his entrance into 
 that order, fuch as magnanimity, conftancy, 
 itature, robuflnefs, and extraordinary 
 ftrength I fay, if for thefe and many 
 other reafons you are pofitively deter* 
 mined not to have this an epic compofi- 
 tion, nor any thing like it, and tauntingly 
 cry, an epic fool's-head ! be it fo, for I 
 will not go to the breaking of heads with 
 you for fuch a trifle. 
 
 But I can fee, methinks, that you have 
 ftill fomething more within you concern- 
 ing this matter of eficifm, if J may fo call
 
 PREFACE. 15 
 
 it, which you want to bring forth. You 
 \vill tell me, as if I could hear you, that 
 the principal end of all epic compofitions 
 is to inflame the mind to the imitation of 
 heroic virtues by the example of the hero, 
 true or feigned, whofe exploits and at- 
 chievments are reprefented in them. And 
 moreover, if you have a mind to tell me 
 this in Latin, to frighten me a little, and 
 that I may know you are /killed in thefe 
 matters, and as we fay, feel where the 
 epic bufkin pinches, you will hit me in the 
 teeth with the great authority of Either 
 Paul, who fays in his Commentary on the 
 Poetics of Ariftotle, ' Certum ejl heroic* 
 " poemati illud ejfi propofitum, ut her oh all- 
 " cujus Q? duds egregium aliquod faftum celt- 
 " bret, in quo idea qiuedam & txtmplum ex- 
 " primatur fortitudinis ac militaris civilifquf 
 * l prudential In confequencc of which 
 you will fay and you will feem to have 
 reafon on your fide that fo far am I from 
 fetting before you a perfect model of he- 
 roic oratory which may excite imitation, 
 that I rather obtrude upon you the moil: 
 ridiculous pattern that can be imagined, 
 and fit only to be avoided and abhorred. 
 
 Now you think you have caught me iii 
 the trap. But liften to this fcrap of erudi- 
 tion,
 
 ,6 PREFACE* 
 
 tion, which I read I don't know where,, 
 and it is not worth while now to lofe two 
 or three hours in looking for the author to 
 give you the quotation fuppofe that Plu- 
 tarch fays it, or any other of the many au- 
 thors you are moft devoted to. Once upon 
 a time -there was at Athens a mufician * 
 without doubt he ought to have been a 
 matter of the chapel * whofe name nei* 
 ther do I remember call him Pythagoras* 
 an' you pleafe, if you want a name- --this 
 man, to teach his fcholars mufic, according 
 to all the different modes, the Doric, Ly- 1 
 dian, Mixt-Lydian, Phrygian, Sub-Phry^ 
 gian, Eolian, what does you me this .man* 
 but carefully collect the moft untuneable^ 
 the moft harih, the moft four, the moft bell-' 
 wether, the moft out-of-compafs voices that 
 were to be found in the whole country ? He 
 made them fing in the prefence of his fcho-* 
 lars whom he charged to obferve with care 
 the difguftful jarring of thcfe, the piercing 
 fcream of tbofe, the in&ifferable bawling of 
 fome, and the intolerable galloping, jumps* 
 curvets, and caprioles of others j then turn- 
 ing to his little ones, he told them with 
 
 * The chief mufician who beats time to all 
 others. 
 
 much
 
 PREFACE. 17 
 
 much pleafantry, " Now, my dears, in 
 " doing the direct contrary to thefe gentry 
 " you will (ing divinely." 
 
 I think you muft now take my mean- 
 ing i but if after all you have not yet hit 
 upon it, I would not give two-pence for 
 your understanding, and let us go to fome- 
 thing elfe -, but we (han't go to fifty-cuffs 
 though you fay that this work at the moft 
 is but a wretched novel, and as diftant 
 from an epic poem as earth from heaven. 
 
 Now you fet yourfelf fomewhat more fe- 
 datelyto afk me another queftion. "Suppof- 
 " ing, as you fay, and as I myfelf acknow- 
 " ledge, that, to the difgrace of our times, 
 " there are fo many preaching Gerunds, 
 " Friars and no Friars, Dons and no Dons, 
 " of cap and of cowl, what motive' had you 
 " to ftick " Friar" before your Gerund, ra- 
 ' ther than fimply " Father," or than give 
 " him his " Don" without any other addi- 
 " tion r" It is a weighty queftion, and re- 
 quires a ferious fatisfaftion. You (hall have 
 it ; and I beg you to hear me difpaffiooate- 
 ly. But before we enter upon the matter 
 let me tell you a ftory. A certain judge 
 went officially, on I know not what bufi- 
 nefs, to old Golmenar, a village of about 
 twenty houfes, the inhabitants of which, 
 
 VOL. I. C during
 
 ,8 PREFACE. 
 
 during their examination, flung fuch a firing 
 of lies in his face as quite aftonifhed him : 
 Jefus 1 Jefus !" cries he, eroding himfelf 
 and turning to the alcalde, or chief civil 
 officer of, this little place, " why they lie 
 here as much as in Madrid." " Pardon 
 " me, your honour,'' replies the alcalde, 
 bowing mod refpeftfully, " though they 
 " lie in Colmenar as much as poflible, yet 
 " in Madrid they lie much more, becaufe 
 " there are more who lie." 
 
 You will not deny me that the number 
 of preachers who are honoured with the 
 moft noble, the mod holy, and the moft 
 venerable diftindion of Friar is much great- 
 er than of thofe who are known by the 
 title of Father or the epithet of Don. For 
 one of thefe there are at leaft twenty of 
 the others ; becaufe the mendicant frater- 
 nities, not clerical -who all ufe it- and 
 the monkiih---fome of which ufe it and 
 others not- are beyond coinparifon more 
 numerous than all the focieties of the re- 
 gulars, into which it has not been intro- 
 duced. Thofe of the fecular clergy who 
 cxercife the miniftry of preaching, it i? 
 evident, cannot be compared in number to 
 thofe who exercife it amongft the profefled 
 religious. Now then, though in all the 
 i reft
 
 PREFACE. 19 
 
 reft of the focieties, there is undoubtedly 
 a moft notable plenty of Gerundical preach- 
 ers, there is not, nor can there be, fo many 
 as in thofe who aflame the title of Friar. 
 And why fo ? For the fame reafon as the 
 alcalde gave the judge, i. e. Though the 
 Fathers end Dons preach as bad as poflible, 
 yet the Friars preach worfe, becaufc there 
 are more among them who preach bad. So 
 that the whole difference is in the number 
 and not in the fubftance. And the fole 
 defign of this work being to eradicate from 
 the Spariifh pulpit the intolerable abufes 
 which have crept into.it, particularly within 
 the laft century, it feemed moft reafonable 
 to take the model whence the originals are 
 
 O 
 
 moft frequent, neceflarily and folely becaufe 
 the number is moft copious. 
 
 If this preface were to be read by fcnfi- 
 ble men only, what has been faid would be 
 fufficient to make us agree upon this ar- 
 ticle; but as I truft it will have a better 
 fate, it may be neceffary to fay the fame 
 thing in another manner, fo as to make it 
 more plain and even palpable. 
 
 Tell me then, my honeft man, now I 
 fpeak to a fturdy countryman, a well-mean- 
 ing man, and one who knows how to read 
 almoft without flopping tofpell the words 
 C 2 fuppofe,
 
 J0 PREFACE, 
 
 fuppofe, for my amufement, and at the fame 
 time to con-eft the inordinate paffion m 
 our reapers for tobacco, the ftrong inch 
 nation to wine in the coritos *, and the 
 abfurd vanity of the alojeros f, I fhould 
 take it into my head to write the life of 
 an imaginary alojero, corito, or reaper : 
 would it not be natural, if my man was a 
 reaper that I mould make him a Gallician f , 
 a Mountaineer if he was an alojero, 
 and if he was a corito, an Afturian ? You 
 fee the thing fpe^ks itfelfj for though 
 there are undoubtedly coritos, alojeros, 
 and reapers in every province, yet in regard 
 to the three which I have mentioned all 
 the reft are but an handful, and this would 
 
 * Corito is a name given to any farmer or ruflic, but 
 generally applied to an Afturian. There is a proverb 
 \vhich fays, al Ajluriano vinopuro y lanza en mano. -The 
 Aiturian'muft have pure wine and a lance in his hand : 
 pure wine (becaufe the province is one of the moft nor- 
 thern and cold) to keep him warm ; and a lance in his 
 hand, to defend him from wild beafts, which were for- 
 merly very numerous there. 
 
 f An alojero) is one who lodges from home, or a tra- 
 veller ; who of courfe may lie without fear of detection. 
 % Gallicia is remarkable for its numerous poor, who 
 migrate to other provinces for work at the time of harveft. 
 A Mountaineer means, by antonomafia, an inha- 
 bitant of the mountains of Burgos, the chief city of 
 Old Cailile, and one remarkably proud and vain-glori- 
 ous of his genealogy, c. as in this city it is faid, that, 
 though there are not above a thoufand families, there is 
 an abundance of nobility and gentry. 
 
 be
 
 PREFACE. 21 
 
 be requifite to the propriety of the fi&ion. 
 Well then, apply it to the point before 
 you, and don't iplit my head. 
 
 But now you, my firft reader, begin to 
 frown at me again, and fay angrily, " Well, 
 " well, let the title of Friar pafs; but then 
 " the name of Gerund, fuch a fantaftica], 
 " ridiculous, abfurd name ! This is turn- 
 " ing facred characters into contempt, and 
 " particularly thofe who make an bonour- 
 " able and glorious boaft of the epithet of 
 " Friar j for there can be no doubt but 
 " that the fcurrilous jefler upon the name 
 " would mean to comprehend the order to 
 " which he has applied it." 
 
 Lord, Lord ! how plain it is you don't 
 know whom you are talking to ! Look ye ; 
 if I thought there was a man in the world 
 who furpafTed me in the cordial, the pro- 
 found, the reverent refpcft I profefs to all 
 the focieties in the church of God, without 
 diftinclion of habit, colour, or inltitution 
 if I knew there was any one who ex- 
 ceeded me in detefting, and abominating 1 , 
 and defpiiing thofe, of whatever clafs, whofe 
 unworthy, foolifh, and prefuming mouths 
 profane the moft religious name of Friar-^-' 
 if I believed there was one who could 
 leave me behind in commiferation of thofe 
 C 3 poor
 
 22 PREFACE, 
 
 poor unhappy devotees (and to our misfor^ 
 tune there are feme in all inftitutions and 
 profeffions) who look with lefs love, cha- 
 rity, or efteem upon the members of other 
 focieties, either becaufe they do not agree 
 in fome trifling opinions, cr from other 
 motives merely human and worldly, foreign 
 to that moft pure, mod: noble, and moft 
 holy end to which all ought to afpire in 
 their words and works, according to the 
 peculiar and exclufive profeflion of each par- 
 ticular -I fay if I thought I could poffibly 
 be furpafled in any of thefe things, I mould 
 account myfelf the moft unhappy of mor- 
 tal men, to whom the miferable lot had 
 fallen of being born amongft the very dregs 
 of Chriftians and even of rational beings. 
 Do you think before God and in 
 conference, that he who fucked in thefe 
 fentiments with his milk, he who is in- 
 debted to the grace of God that a Chriftian 
 and liberal education has more and more 
 (deeply rooted them in his heart, he who 
 has fmce confirmed himfelf in them by 
 reading and ftudy, (fuch as it has been) 
 and by a more than ordinary experience of 
 the world-r-do you think, I fay again, that 
 a man of this charader could entertain the 
 idea of faying the minutefl fyllable that 
 
 might
 
 PREFACE. 2 
 
 might come within a thoufand leagues of 
 blemifliing the molt facred religious orders ? 
 It is not likely. 
 
 Come, let us go on calmly .~ In truth 
 this very ridiculoufnefs of the name, and 
 its improbability, rather confult the refpe<5l 
 due to the order than tend to offend it ; 
 they ftro;.'gly imply that there never was, 
 and probably never can be, fuch a man of 
 fuch an order, and not only take off the 
 imagined offence to the profeflion, but 
 likewife to the perfons who compofe it. By 
 feigning one who never has, nor ever can 
 exift, the general defeats alone are lafhed 
 without a lingle ftroke at the individuals. 
 If any one of them mould find himfelf 
 comprehended amongft thofe who are 
 mauled, let me whifper him in his ear to 
 hold his tongue and his patience too, for fo 
 muft all we poor fmners do when they give 
 us our trimmings from the pulpit. 
 
 Well, now^ your features have taken a 
 more pleafmg form, let us fpeak with a 
 fotnewhat more friendly freedom. Is there 
 then in the world, or even in the church 
 of God, any order of men fo ferious, fo 
 elevated, or fo holy, that there are not to 
 be found in it many moft ridiculous, ab- 
 furd, and extravagant individuals ? But are 
 C 4 the
 
 S4 PREFACE. 
 
 the extravagancies 'and abfurdities of the 
 individuals thofe of the order ? Certainly 
 not. And if any fatirift or comic poet en^ 
 deavours tc correct them, by perlbnifjing 
 what is ridiculous in order to render it 
 more ftriking, does he not always avail 
 himfelf of a feigned name, and for the 
 moil part a whimfical or flovenly one, that 
 the reproof may not even by accident fall 
 upon any determinate object ? You have 
 but to ask Horace, Juvenal, Boileau, Te- 
 rence, Molierc, and many of ojur own 
 poets. 
 
 Horace in the name of T'igellius, a man 
 who never exifted in renim natura, cen- 
 fures a thoufand defects very frequent in 
 men of all conditions. Juvenal drefTes up 
 a certain Ponticus to fall luftily through him 
 on the nobles who were proud of their ge^ 
 nealogies, but not of imitating the virtues 
 of their illuflrious progenitors. Boileau, 
 in the fuppofed perfon of the poet Damon, 
 laughs with much grace at the affectation 
 of the court, the phenomena which are 
 beheld, and the artifices which are prac- 
 tifed in it. But neverthelefs, if you arc 
 determined to reply that thefe were real 
 men, who eat and drank juft as we ChriftU 
 ans eat and drink, we won't quarrel for 
 
 this
 
 PREFACE. 25 
 
 this neither; for your humble fervant, in 
 certain points oflearning and criticifm which 
 iignify not a draw, is the mod pacific 
 creature alive. 
 
 But tell me ; was there ever in the world a 
 inmcztted'Tartitfie? And yet that rogue of a 
 Molicre, in one of his moft famous, and for 
 ought I know, mod ufeful comedies, un- 
 der this name, lays about him fo unmer- 
 cifully on hypocrites of all professions, as 
 makes them fhrink again. And to t>e fure 
 this mud be mighty matter of concern to 
 St. Francifco Sales, or to any of thofe who 
 are truly virtuous. Did you ever know the 
 name of Trifotin given at the baptifmai 
 font ? Yet under the cover of it has the a- 
 bovementioned author, jn his fine comedy 
 of the Pewmes Savafites, foundly thramed 
 the dolts who pretend to genius upon the 
 ftrength of three or four common-place 
 puns and half a dozen meagre witticiftns, 
 which they watch for the moft remote and 
 often the moft impertinent occafions of 
 lugging in. And what trouble will this 
 Trifotin caufe to Don Francifco de Que- 
 vedo, or other real geniufes. Do you think 
 that any Marquis of Mafcarilla, or Vifcount 
 Jodelet> ever rolled over the dones of Pa- 
 ris ? Yet Moliere took the freak of giving 
 
 theft
 
 2 6 . PREFACE. 
 
 thefe titles, free of all fees, to a couple of 
 rafcally laquies in order to make a moft fevere 
 but well-deferved mockery of the Preci- 
 eufes Ridicules. And I aflure you that I 
 never heard the Marquifs of Aftorga or the 
 Vifcoufit de Zolina ever loft their reft 
 upon that account. Laftly, won't you tell 
 me in what font of Segovia the great 
 'Tacano was baptifed ? Yet we do not find 
 any of the originals who are reprefented 
 by that copy, complain of its being dero- 
 gatory to their employment and profefiion. 
 Come then, let us agree that in Friar 
 Gerund no order can be offended, and that 
 if it mould be prejudicial to any member, 
 it will moft certainly not be on account of 
 the life which he profefles, but the abfur- 
 dities which he fays. Do but correct Them, 
 and we (hall be the beft friends in the 
 world. 
 
 Shall I put the finifliing ftroke to the 
 perfuading you of this truth, and bring 
 you to confefs, even in fpite of your teeth, 
 that greater circumfpeclion could not have 
 been ufed than is ufed in this work to pre- 
 ferve the decorum and refpeft upon. all ac- 
 counts due to the facred families ? Make 
 then the following reflexions. i. The 
 moft generic arid univerfal epithet amongd 
 
 them
 
 PREFACE. 27 
 
 them was ftudioufly chofen, that the ima- 
 ginary individual of our hiftory might not 
 be- dcterminately applied. 2. The fame 
 attention was had cautioufly to avoid as 
 many particular marks as might agree to 
 fome more than others amongft thofe who 
 are honourably diftinguifhed by this epi- 
 thet : and though it is true that in this or 
 that defcription there may be here and 
 there a (Iroke which may not be applicable 
 to fome of thefe facred families, yet they 
 are but very few in regard to the many to 
 whom the likenefs may be indifferently 
 adapted. Lailly and principally, obfervc 
 well, that almoft whenever Friar Gerund, 
 or any of the fame feather, are very excen- 
 tric in a fermon, difcourfe, fcntiment, &c. 
 there is always placed immediately by his 
 fide fome judicious perfon of the profeflion 
 'for reprehenfion and inftru&ion. You will 
 fee it in Friar Bias with the ex-provincial 
 Father, and in Friar Gerund with Father 
 Prudencio, to fay nothing at prefent of the 
 Provincial, who with fo much folidity ex- 
 pofed the abfurdities of 'the lay-brother 
 who had talked with fo little reflexion to 
 the boy Gerund concerning a religious life. 
 Hence it is to be inferred, that if in a reli- 
 gious order we meet with fome block- 
 heads
 
 2 a P R'-E F A C E. 
 
 heads a thing by no means impoffibte 
 yet that there will not be found, I need not 
 lay a profeffion, but even a houfe, or ever 
 fo fmall a community, in which there are 
 not other men, truly wife, learned, exem- 
 plary, and prudent, who bewail, and would 
 reform their follies. And what is this, 
 but to venerate the facred families and to 
 endeavour to maintain their honour 1 
 
 Refpedl has likewife been preferved to 
 the authors whofe works are difapproved. 
 Indeed when they give their productions to 
 the light they make \hzrn juris publici, they 
 fubjed: them to the examination and cen- 
 iure of all, and every mortal may freely 
 fpeak his fentiments, within the bounds of 
 decency, civility, and religion. As long 
 as the perfon of the author, nor the hern 
 of his garment, is not touched which is 
 not allowable, unlefs in cafes of religion 
 from the affinity it has with the manners 
 as to what relates to the work, every 
 one may have a pluck at it, if there be a 
 motive for it, mark its fpots, moles, and 
 wrinkles, and call the father who begot it 
 into judgment by his Chriftian and fur- 
 name, with all his titles, tags, rattles, 
 bells, furbelows, and fringes. Notwith- 
 ftanding this liberty, which all poffefs, by 
 
 the
 
 PREFACE. 29 
 
 the tacit concefiion of authors, yet in this 
 hiftory of ours, the greateft circumfpection 
 is obferved, that no one may have jull caufc 
 to think himfelf offended. Cenfure is 
 pafled upon many fcrmons, and non-fer- 
 inons, of regulars and irregulars, as occa- 
 fion prefents, but no author is named. The 
 title is given of the fermon, of the work, 
 or whatever it be, and the generic pro- 
 feffion of the author may at moft be hinted 
 at; but as to coming to the particular in- 
 flitution he profdles, and efpecially to his 
 name filence ! not a word ! fo that they 
 only who (hall have read the work and 
 know the author, will be able to enjoy the 
 critical repaft ; the reft muft faft, and be 
 content with knowing in general that fuch 
 an one wrote or preached fuch a thing not 
 fit to be preached or written. Can there 
 be greater precaution ? 
 
 In one inftance only is there an excep- 
 tion to this general rule ; and that is in the 
 cafe of the Barbadino *, who is ftripped 
 of the holy outlide he had unworthily af- 
 fumed, his afcititious beard torn off, and 
 brought into public view with his natural 
 
 * The arch-deacon of Evora in Portugal, author of 
 a book called The true Method of Study," under the 
 feigned name of Barbaiiifio, a capuchin. 
 
 naked
 
 3 o PREFACE. 
 
 naked face, or at leaft clofe fcraped .; with 
 his little, white, round, or rather oval 
 bob; with his Marched band and collar, 
 blued after the Italian fa(hion j with his 
 fur mantle airily thrown in folds upon the 
 left Khoulder like a moft gallant arch-dea- 
 con ; with his rochet, or Ihort fupplice 
 worn under the faid mantle, fo nicely 
 ftitched and plaited that it feems fit for an 
 holy father of Rome ; with his badge of 
 knighthood,' the curioufly and boldly em- 
 broidered crofs upon his veil ; with his 
 fmali, fquare, fmooth cap, leaning againrt 
 his breaft and fupported delicately by the 
 thumb and finger of his right hand, fo that 
 the man appears to take cap as others take 
 fnufF; with his enormous book, (which 
 would make a good figure upon the ftand 
 in the middle of a cathedral choir) raifed 
 and open before him on the table, his left 
 hand laid upon the upper part of it ; and 
 laftly, with his vaft ink-dull (haped like 
 the mouth of a well, and a pen in it with 
 a twitted feather ending in a fox-tail on the 
 left fide of its rib. This is the pidure of 
 the Signior Pfeudo-Capuchin which I keep 
 in my ftudy to divert myfelf with when the 
 humour prompts. 
 
 This
 
 PREFACE. 31 
 
 This Signor Abate, this Italianized Portu- 
 gueze only have I pointed out with my fin- 
 ger, and held up to the light with all his ti- 
 tles; yet his name notwithftanding has been 
 fpared, though it is well known, and the 
 font too in which he was baptifed. For 
 this exception to our general rule, I truft 
 there are good and lawful reafons. For 
 why is that man to be pardoned who par- 
 dons no man ? Why is a refpeft to be pre- 
 ferved for him who preferves none even for 
 the holy fathers, doctors, and lights of the 
 church ? Why is he to be gently ftroaked 
 with a foothing hand who lays fo heavy 
 and rude an one upon the matters and 
 princes of almoft every faculty ? Who is 
 to have patience to coax, and wheedle, and 
 bow mod courteoufly to him who will in- 
 cline his head only to the Enfijkmildes, the 
 Schcucberos, the Baudandos, the Strauchios, 
 the Beveregios, the Krancws and other au- 
 thors ejitfdem farina, and Aalks with his 
 hat on before the face of men of the 
 greateft veneration whom we all refpedl ? 
 He treats the 1 very learned, wife, difcreet, 
 and reverend Signior Feyjoo as he would 
 a little dirty altar-boy : and what is ex- 
 cellent, is, that in the points in which they 
 both agree, this Barbadino avails himfelf 
 
 of
 
 3 2 PREFACE. 
 
 of no other arguments than thofe ufed by 
 Signior Feyjoo, with this difference only, 
 that the one urges them with beauty, mo- 
 defty, ftrength, and efficacy, and in the 
 hands of the other, obtruded by an empty, 
 prating, contemptible boailer, they lofe 
 all their elegance and fpirit. 
 
 Laflly, it would be fine indeed that I 
 fhould go about ftanding upon ceremony 
 with a man who treats all us Spaniards 
 as ignorant barbarians j fince, till he came 
 into the world, we knew neither grammar, 
 nor logic, nor phyfics, nor theology, nor 
 law, nor medicine ; and what is more, we 
 did not know how to read or write, nor 
 OUF very women to fpin, till, in his great 
 charity, the charge of in ftr acting us was 
 undertaken by this Encyclopedijl as he calls 
 himlelf, or as I call him, by this correftor- 
 general of the human race. Pardon me, my 
 good reader, for I cannot oblige you in this 
 point. He came to my pen feaibnably, or 
 Wnfeafonably we won't difpute about that 
 now my imagination was fired for the 
 honour of the Spanifh nation and of the 
 Portugueze, both of which he equally 
 abufes, debafes, and treads under foot -, I 
 was irritated by his pride and vanity, and 
 the contempt with which he treats fo ma- 
 4 ny
 
 PREFACE. 33 
 
 fcy honourable men ; I was difgufted by 
 the intolerable felf-fufficiency and defpotifm 
 with which he cuts, hacks, chops, tears, 
 rends, pronounces, condemns, defines, and 
 vomits forth oracles ex tripode*, and in fhort 
 not being able to contain myfelf, I bran- 
 diflied my weapon and thwacked him with 
 it over the moulders as you will find, ftill 
 referving the right of plunging my grey- 
 goofe dagger up to the hilts in his heart, if 
 I fhould hereafter take him in hand pro- 
 fefledly ; for, believe me, the man wants 
 a radical cure. 
 
 Perhaps you will fay that this is not ab- 
 folutely difpleafing to you, but that you 
 fhould have been glad he had come more 
 opportunely to my hand 3 for that it ap- 
 pears going much out of my way to fetch 
 him fiom fome garden at Rome, where the 
 poor fellow might be diverting himfelf 
 with hearing a fine ferenata, only to fing 
 him another tune which he would not like 
 half fo well j that if he had come before 
 me of his own accord it would have been, 
 another thing, but to drag him in, as I do, 
 by the head and moulders, befides being 
 very violent, feems to be ill breeding. 
 Moreover that it is not very probable that 
 a work fo policed, fo exquifite, and fo 
 
 VOL. I. D rare
 
 34 PREFACE, 
 
 rare (indeed it is not very eafy to be found) 
 as " The true method of Barbadifio," 
 fhould be met with in the cell of fo flo- 
 venly a fimpleton, and of fo bad a tafte, 
 as Friar Gerund is reprefented. And here 
 you raife yourfelf in your critical fHrrups, 
 telling me, that every improbability in a 
 work of this kind is a crime of the firft 
 magnitude, and not to be forgiven in this 
 world or the next. 
 
 O commend me to fuch nicenefs, my 
 moft delicate Sir ! Look ye, I am a fincere 
 man, and though it mould make againft 
 me, will tell you the truth. It is certain, 
 that from the moment I read this fame cu- 
 rious " Method" (which by the by is as 
 much of a method as the method to cure 
 chilblains compofed by that barber, or La- 
 tin furgeon, of which mention is made in 
 this work ; the parenthefis grows rather 
 large ; let us clofe it) It is certain that 
 from the moment I read this fame curious 
 Method, I was feized by a moft methodical 
 longing, not to be remedied, to give him 
 a hearty drubbing. It is likewife as cer- 
 tain, that in this Hiftory of our Friar Ge- 
 rund, I might have fought and difpofed 
 another, better method, to give the drub- 
 bing : but pray now, am I obliged alway*- 
 
 19
 
 PREFACE. - 3 j 
 
 to follow the better path ? Will the man 
 who is Tick at heart and ready to burft from 
 want of vomiting, have the patience, think. 
 you, to Hand upon a choice of corners and 
 go calmly to that in which he may dif- 
 charge with the rnoft cleanlinefs and leaft 
 incommodity ? 'Twould be fine indeed that 
 for your fqueamifhnefs, I mould have to re- 
 form ten or a dozen iheets of this my moft 
 elaborate hiftory only to drub this Signicr 
 Barbi-caftron, this falfe-bearded wether- 
 goat, more methodically, more tunefully and 
 fyftematically? Go to, you man you ! You 
 don't know what this cofts a poor author, 
 efpecially if he is fuch a lazy fellow as I am. 
 But if, notwithstanding, you ftill pafijo- 
 nately infift that it is given out of its 
 place, I beg we may fettle the difference 
 Without law or bloodshed, both which I 
 mortally hate, and I immediately appoint 
 as my arbitrator that alcalde to whom a 
 woman went to complain that her hu(band 
 had (trapped her moft unfeafonably, " Ide- 
 *' clare," faid the alcalde with great gra- 
 vity, I declare this ftrappfog to be null 
 " and void, and for the future let the 
 
 *' band take care that it be given in good 
 " time and leafon." 
 
 D 2 As
 
 3 6 P R E F A C E. 
 
 As to the other article you mentioned, 
 that it is not probable that fuch a man as 
 Friar Gerund mould have fuch a book as 
 " The true Method" in his power, and that 
 improbability is a crime lafa proprietatit, 
 deteftable, unpardonable, irremiflible in a 
 work of this kind, I confefs you make me 
 fhrink by this canonical decilion ; for in 
 truth, though I am a miferable fmner, I 
 am timorous, and fomewhat fcrupulous, if 
 I had not the teftimony of a good confci- 
 ence. In the firft place I declare to you 
 and before God that I do not fee what 
 infurmountable obftack there fliould be 
 why my poor Friar Gerund might not have 
 the Jrue method of Barbadino in- his cell 
 juft as well as the Rhknes of Calainos, the 
 Song of the feven Children of Lara, and the 
 Hiftory of the Twelve Peers. If becaufe it 
 is a contraband book rather upon that 
 very account might it be found there, as it 
 is known that contraband goods are often 
 hidden in places we little fufpeft. If be- 
 caufe it is polifhed and exquite certainly 
 the writings of this methodift are not ei- 
 ther fo poliflied as thofe of the celebrated 
 Monfieur de Pierefe, or fo exquifite as thofe 
 of the Cardinal Antonio Perrenot, otherwife 
 Cardinal Granvela, or fo myfterious and 
 
 fo
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 fb fought for as thofe of Antonio Pe- 
 rez ; and yet notwithstanding I know 
 that many copies of the firft found their 
 way into the knapfacks, and afterwards 
 into the piftols of a company of ban- 
 ditti, who, thinking them fomething elfe, 
 had ftolen them from a gentleman of 
 Leydcn ; that a great quantity of the fecond 
 was redeemed from their captivity in 
 chandlers' and cheefe- mongers' (hops ; and 
 that a volume of the third was ranfomed 
 from a. little dirty wine-houfe of Maraga- 
 teria * where it ferved as a cover to a tin 
 pot. If you don't know what a tin pot is -f-, 
 afk any Maragaterian ; for I -do not chufe 
 to tell you that you may not know fo 
 much as I. $o that it is not only true, as 
 our old proverb fays, that; '* whence we 
 ^ leafl think fprings the hare," but alfo 
 tJiat whence we lead think fprings the 
 book. 
 
 But if, by way of favour, we (hould 
 grant that there is fome little improbability 
 in the cafe, how can you poflibly be fo in- 
 exorable with ;/z<.', and fo complaifantly li- 
 Icnt to other offenders? Does it appear to you 
 
 * Part of, or bordering on, Gallicia, and remarkable 
 for the rtifticity of its inhabitants. 
 
 t Which might cafily happen, as moft of them are 
 fent from England, and they are not known in fome 
 farts of Spain. L :.'"V' : 
 
 D 3 more
 
 3 8 PREFACE. 
 
 more probable that Sigifmund, in the come- 
 dy of the ' Alcazar dd fecreto" of the great 
 Don Antonio de Solis, mould throw him- 
 felf into the fea on the coaft of Epirus and 
 arrive at that of Cyprus, embarked and 
 Curtained only by his mield unlefs indeed 
 the fliield was of cork, and Sigifmund of 
 paper ? Is there more probability in the 
 oracles, which at every turn interrupt our 
 players, divining what they are about to 
 fay that the event may appear myfterious ? 
 Is there more probability in thofe voices, 
 which rife from the orcheftra fo opportunely 
 as to exprefs in finging the fame thing the 
 player is juft about to fpeak ? Is there more 
 probability in thofe verfes, fentiments, and 
 conceits, fpouted from two players, who, en- 
 entering on the ftage by different avenues, 
 and without feeing or hearing each other, 
 fay each of them exactly the fame thing, 
 without any other difference than the tone of 
 their voices ? In a word, if you would have 
 more of thefe improbabilities, you have but 
 to plunge into the poetics of Don Ignacio dc 
 Luzan, and youmay drown yourfelf in them. 
 And think not i' God's name, that our 
 Spanish authors alone are guilty of breaches 
 of probability in their compofuions, dra- 
 matic or not dramatic. There, amongfl 
 the French, you have a Moliere, a Ra- 
 cine
 
 PREFACE. 39 
 
 cine, and notwithstanding he wrote as 
 we fay with a running pen a Monfieur de 
 BoifTy with his famous comedy of " Les 
 " Defors Trompeurs, ou I'Homme du Jour :" 
 read but that piece, and almoft ail ihofe of 
 the other two authors, and you will find 
 at every turn fuch ftrange improbabilities as 
 will make you crofs yourfelf $ for you will 
 think, and with reafon, that many of the 
 events could be effected only by enchant- 
 ment. And that you may not tell me that 
 the firft-mentioned of thefe authors knew 
 it to be thus, and would uot correct it de- 
 fignedly, laughing with much pleafantry at 
 the fcrupulous rules to which critics would 
 confine comic compofitions, and laying it 
 down as an univerfal maxim that the fu- 
 preme and only rule was the art of pleafing 
 the public, I will prefent you, if you urge 
 me too much, with the very Corneille him- 
 felf, the fovereign Corneiile, acknowledged 
 by all, Frenchmen and others, as the great 
 reformer of the theatre, and as the mofl 
 exalted genius of his own age and many 
 others, to polifh a dramatic piece to the laft 
 perfection. Neverthelefs you know or if 
 you do not, know it now that upon this 
 choripheus of tragedy were poured fuch a 
 ilioal of cenfures by his own countrymen, 
 D 4 whc-
 
 4 o PREFACE. 
 
 whether from envy or whatever motive, as 
 would have fuffocated him, if merit, like 
 oil, did not in the end ever rife over all tri- 
 umphant. And though he cleared himfclf 
 fairly of the other final 1 defers, created or 
 exaggerated by his competitors and accufers, 
 yet in the chapter of improbability he feem- 
 ed to duck his head a little as it were, and 
 fled for defence to the examples of Seneca, 
 Terence, Plautus, and other fathers and 
 matters of the ancient theatre, who were 
 fometimes rather inattentive to this article, 
 and with four drops of luftral water, ex- 
 orcifed according to poetical rites by fome 
 prieft of Apollo, thought themfelves duly 
 purified from the vernal crime. Therefore, 
 my good reader pray obferve the courtefy 
 andendearment with which I treat you -I 
 befeech you, with my hat in my hand, that 
 you would not mew yourfelf fo fevere with 
 me upon thefe minuteneffes, niceneffes, and 
 delicacies. 
 
 It will be a different affair indeed if with 
 a contracted brow and angry tone you fhould 
 take me in hand upon the general fubjecl: 
 and main fcope of this work : I confefs I 
 almoit tremble with even figuring you to 
 myfelf in the (hape of a Minos or Rhada- 
 manthus; for though I maybe tolerably 
 
 free
 
 P R E F A C E.' 4x 
 
 free of my fpeech I may ftill be a pufillani-. 
 rnous and fearful creature. For ought I know 
 you may difpofe yourfelf, with fierce and 
 truculent mein, fvvearing by the Stygian lake, 
 to rebuke, chaftife, deteft, and anathematize 
 my boldnefs, addrefTing me in this weighty 
 and loud-founding fubftance 
 
 " Well haft thou deferved indeed, thou 
 evil prieft, infenfatc, rafh, and inconfide- 
 rate as thou art ! Suppofing that the pulpit 
 of Spain, and likewife of other parts, be 
 as much corrupted and depraved as this 
 pernicious, deteftable, abominable, curled 
 work fnggefts fuppofmg that in our own 
 and other countries there be preaching 
 Gerunds, unworthy to exercife a miniftry 
 fo facred fuppoling that this corruption, 
 this depravity, this plague (call it fo if you 
 plealc) require the moft prompt and effica- 
 cious remedy tell me, wretch, could a 
 more grave and ferious fubjecl: offer, to be 
 treated by a learned, energetic, vehement, 
 and. majeftic pen ! Is there a matter more 
 worthy to be handled with the greateft dig- 
 nity and ncrvoufnefs, with a rufhing tor- 
 rent of arguments and authorities, and an- 
 other torrent, as copious and rapid, of the 
 tears of the zealous writer ! And was fuch 
 a lubject to be treated as thou haft treated
 
 4S PREFACE. 
 
 it, unworthy clergyman ! Was there ever 
 in the world an authority for joining the 
 rooft ferious things with the moft bur- 
 lefque, the moft fublime with the moft ri- 
 diculous, the moft important with the moft 
 trifling I There nevei was, there never was, 
 a judicious pagan loudly informs thee, to 
 11 thee with fhame and confufion if thou 
 wcrt capable to feel it. J Tis a ridiculous 
 thing, a ftnfelefs thing, and, upon the point 
 before me, I rnuft add, 'tis an execrable 
 thing, and verging clofe upon facnlegious, 
 to join light jefting with atrocious evils, 
 ferpents with doves, and lambs with ty- 
 gerc. The text is common, but not for 
 ibat the lefs true. 
 
 Sed non ut plaaJii eneant immitta^ non ut 
 Serpenies avibus gctaimntur, tigribus agnt. 
 
 " Rome burning and Nero fiddling ! The 
 favagenefs of that monftcr, that abortion 
 of human nature, could no farther go. Thou 
 refembleft him in thy conduct whilft thy 
 Troy is burning, and thou fuppofeft thy 
 nation on the point of ruin. A choice 
 method truly of extinguifliing the flames 
 to fnatch thy flute or Gallician bagpipe and 
 whiftle an idle tune ! 
 
 Ever
 
 PREFACE. 43 
 
 " Ever fince the Gofpel has been preach- 
 in the world, there have been preachers 
 who abufed the office; ever fince there 
 have been bad preachers there have been 
 learned and zealous men who inveighed 
 againft them. But with what ferioufnefs ! 
 What weight ! What vehemence ! This 
 was a topic on which to have gone on dif- 
 courfing, from age to age, down to our 
 own times, of all the fathers, doctors, and 
 authors of the holy church, who raifed their 
 voices and employed their pens againft thofe 
 who in their times profaned the Gofpel and 
 corrupted the word of God this having 
 been undoubtedly the true origin of all the 
 errors, heretics and fchifms which have in 
 all ages afflicted our moft holy mother, 
 fullying, flaining, tearing her fair and feam- 
 lefs garment, as is exprefsly faid and be- 
 wailed by St. Auguftin in the fecond book 
 of his " Chriftian Doctrine," " Corrupt 
 " verbi Dei wfcera ecclefiez difrunipit & tu- 
 " nlcam dilacerat" to have confidered how 
 the fathers, doctors, and councils have de- 
 claimed againfl thefe corruptors of the fa- 
 cred fcripture in the very chair of truth, 
 the efpecial throne of the Holy Spirit, which 
 alone mould prefide, infpire, excite, move, 
 and dictate what is fa^id, in it. It would 
 
 be
 
 44 PREFACE. 
 
 be eafy for me to fet before thee a long ca- 
 talogue of the vehement invedtives which 
 have been made againft this mocking pro- 
 fanation in all ages of the church, begin- 
 with the apoftle St. Paul, and ending with 
 the mod famous authors of the paft and 
 prefent age. But to what is this Preface 
 of thine to fwell ? When wilt thou have 
 done with this converfation ? Neither thou 
 with thy pen, nor thy readers with their 
 foolim curiofity, will arrive in a twelve- 
 month at thy pernicious hiftory. 
 
 ** I {hall content myfelf therefore with 
 drawing to a point what I have to fay by 
 afldng thee, if thou ever knew that any of 
 the holy fathers, doctors, and facred wri- 
 ters followed the diabolical rhumb which 
 thou followefl to correct bad preachers ? 
 If thou ever met with any who put on 
 the cap and bells, and the fool's coat, and 
 took in his hand the ftick with bladders 
 to drive this infection out of the world ? 
 Argumehts, texts, decilions, canons, coun- 
 cils, conftitutions, edicts, cenfures, fulmina- 
 tions, fighs, tears, grief, befeechings, ex- 
 c,lamations, threats, promifes, thefe indeed 
 would do fomething: of thefe thou wouldfl 
 find a great, an infinite, quantity, and all 
 of the cholceft fprt, in innumerable wri- 
 ters.
 
 PREFACE. 4* 
 
 ters, who directly or indirectly have 
 treated on this moft weighty point. But 
 idle jdls ! buffoonery! ridicule! where, 
 where haft thou ieen them employed upon 
 fuch a (abject, temerarious and ill-advifcd 
 clerk ? I will drag thee, I declare I will 
 drag thee before all the tribunals of the 
 earth, that they may cenfure, that they may 
 puni(h, that they may confound thee, and 
 make of thee an example by which all fu- 
 ture ages fliall terribly be warned." 
 
 Manfticfcat te Dtus Pater, manfucfcat te 
 Deus Filius, manfitefcat te Spiritus Saiitfus ! 
 In a moft untoward humour didft thou rife 
 this morning, my dear angry reader ; but 
 it is no fault of mine that you parted a bad 
 night from the indigeftion and crudities of 
 your fupper. 1 made a light rcpaft, di- 
 gefted it quickly, ilept well, and am as cool 
 ar.d as mild at a lettuce. Therefore hear 
 me with ferenity, if you think fit, if not, 
 ihut your eyes, which are the ears that au- 
 thors talk to. 
 
 'Tis as you fay, and you would have 
 loft nothing by having faid it with more 
 temper and a little more civility, if for 
 nothing elfc at leaft for this crown * upon 
 my head, which my barber keeps open for 
 * The circle of hair worn by pricfis, Sec. 
 
 me
 
 (5 PREFACE. 
 
 me from time to time -"-that barbef 
 of mine, who is a very mould to caft 
 Sancho Panzas in. If you were but to fed 
 him! Oh if you were but to fee him! 
 Suffice it to fay that his razors do not 
 fo much execution as his ringers, cloathed in 
 feal-fkin and tipped with wild thiftle, tho* 
 in other refpe&s there is not a better man 
 in all Campos. But this digreflion comes 
 not to the point; and if it ferves rot to 
 moderate your ire, as to any thing elfe 
 it is quite befide the purpofe. Let us re- 
 turn then to our fubjeft. Why, Sir, I 
 grant that you have great reafon in what 
 you fay ; all thofe who have treated on the 
 fubjeft on which I treat, have treated on it 
 with the greatefl gravity, weight, circum- 
 fpeclion, vehemence, and ferioufnefs. Only 
 one Erafmus of Rotterdam, whofe name 
 founds better to thehumanift than the the- 
 ologian, in a Latin book, called The Praife 
 of Folly, faid an hundred pleafant things 
 againft the bad preachers of his time. But 
 as his principal delign upon this occafion. 
 was to ridicule the religious focieties which 
 then flourished, laughing at their habits, 
 their ceremonies, their cuftoms, their 
 manners, confounding unjuftly and per- 
 verfely the whole with a part, the ufe with 
 
 the
 
 PREFACE. 47 
 
 the abufe, and the exemplary life of thou- 
 fands of individuals with the licentious life 
 of a handful of defective members, this fame 
 Praifc of Folly was in general but coolly 
 received, and is not at this day any more 
 than at its firft appearance thought much 
 of but by fuch only as may deferve to be 
 celebrated in it. Except this Signior De- 
 fiderius Erafmus, this altar-boy, monk t 
 ex-monk, prieft, fecular, reftor, counfeUor, 
 every thing and nothing, except this vaga- 
 bond, and another very recent, venerable, and 
 circumftantial author, all the reft treated on 
 this point with all that gravity which is of 
 fo much weight with your wormip, though 
 it weighs bat little in itfelf I allure you, 
 good Mr. Reader, and moft circumfped 
 matter of mine. 
 
 For, pray now, what effecT: was produ*- 
 ced by thefe moft grave authors, with their 
 thunder, and lightning, and flafhes, and- 
 bolts? Did they frighten the. bad preach- 
 ers ? Did they oblige them to quit the 
 field, or to fly for fhelter to their cells, a- 
 partments, or houfes, even while the ftonn 
 was pafijng? Were the infufferable difor- : 
 ders of the pulpit corrected, in Spain, Por- 
 tugal, France, Italy, Germany, and in all 
 the world ? If that had been fo, writings 
 
 would
 
 4 fr R E F A C a 
 
 would not have been (Lowered againft thi* 
 lamentable corruption in the two laft ages* 
 Neither Claudio Aquaviva, nor Juan Paulo 
 Oliva, both generals of the fociety of Je- 
 fus, would have drawn fuch deep-fetched 
 fighs, fighs from the very bottom of the 
 heart, in forrow for it ; the one in a moft 
 grave inftrudtion, and the other in a very 
 fenfible and difcreet letter. Nor would 
 the elegant Nicolas Caufino have expended 
 fo much intellectual heat, oratory, and 
 criticifm in his vaft work of " Sacred Elo- 
 quence." Nor would Don Chrifcoval So- 
 reri, abbot of Santa Cruz in the Venetian 
 ftate (if I am not mifmformed) have given 
 to the light that little golden book, " Ru- 
 " dimenta oratoris Ckr'ijliani" which at 
 his inftance, and for his particular inftruc- 
 tion, was written by a certain grave, learn- 
 c4> and religious author. Nor would 
 Antonio Vieyra in his famous Sexagefima 
 fermon upon the Gofpel, exiit qui fiminat 
 feminare Jemen fuum, have declaimed with 
 fomuch ardour againft many preachers who- 
 ip his days infefted the ears and fouls of 
 men. Nor would the celebrated archbifhop 
 of Carnbray have given himfelf the trouble 
 to compofe his admirable " Dialogues upon 
 " Eloquence in general, and upon the Elo-* 
 
 " quence
 
 PREFACE. 49 
 
 quence of the Pulpit in particular " in 
 which not only no quarter is given to what 
 would appear as abfurd and extravagant to 
 men of ordinary understandings, but even 
 fjme fermons which at firft fight might' 
 ice in too many to be models of tafte, wif- 
 dom, and eloquence, are criticized without 
 mercy. Nor would Father Bias Gifbert 
 have published his excellent book, which 
 is fo well received by the world, on 
 " Chriilian eloquence both fpeculative and 
 and practical, and in which mortal blows 
 are difcharged on every fpecies of bad 
 preachers. And obferve, for your com- 
 fort and for ours, that all the authors 
 whom I have cited, except one, are 
 ftrangers \ and that all of them declaim 
 againft the corruption of the Pulpit in their 
 own and not in foreign countries. From 
 whence you may infer that this pernicious 
 evil is not peculiar to the Spaniards and the 
 Portugueze as many are inclined, igno- 
 rantly or envioufly, to believe. 
 
 And after all, with all thefe weighty, 
 ferious, nervou?, mnjeflic, and convincing 
 writings, what have we gained ? Nothing, 
 or next to nothing. The Pieudo-preach- 
 ers *uont kur train, as our neighbours fay, 
 or, go on in their old track, as we ought to 
 
 VOL. I. E fay
 
 5 o PREFACE. 
 
 fay ourfelves ; the evil fpreads, the infec- 
 tion dilates, and the havock continually en- 
 creafes. Then, tell me now, thou be- 
 vinegared mortal of a reader ! (for I am 
 weary of treating thee with urbanity) if 
 the experience of all ages demonirrates that 
 thefe narcotic, emolient, and dulcific re- 
 medies avail not, do not reafon and charity 
 demand that we try how the fharp and the 
 corrofive will fucceed ? Would ft thou in- 
 troduce into the art of intellectual healing, 
 to cure a difeafe of the mind (and fuch a 
 difeafe as we have upon our hands !) that 
 barbarous aphorifm which one of our moft 
 famous modern critics has judly treated 
 as " The Exterminating Aphorifm;" " Om- 
 nla Jecundum rationemfacknti, fi non Juc- 
 cedat fecundum rationem, non cjl tranfeundum 
 ad aliud, fuppetente quod ab mitio proba- 
 vens." If the phyfician who proceeds 
 upon the principle of reafon (hould not find 
 corfefpondent fuccefs, ftill he muft proceed 
 as he began without having recourfe to o- 
 ther remedies and if the patients die, 
 they muft be buried; and Fidelium anima 
 per inifericordiam Del requlefcant in pace ? 
 Does it appear to thee juft that in a matter 
 of fuch importance I accommodate my i elf 
 to fo barbarous a doctrine ? Thou may'ft 
 
 g
 
 PREFACE. 51 
 
 go about thy bufinefs, for I cannot ferve 
 thee. 
 
 I will rather try my fortune, and fee if 
 I (hall have the happinefs to fucceed in this 
 matter, as many renowned authors have in 
 divers others \ firmly perfuaded of the 
 truth of that maxim of Horace, 
 
 ' Ridiculum acri 
 
 Fortius & melius magnas plerwnque ftcat ra< 
 
 That is, that Ridicule hath generally 
 been found more available to the correc- 
 tion of vicious manners than grave argu- 
 ment and reproof. By this mean, lays a 
 fenfible Academician of Paris, Molierc did 
 more in France with hi? Precitufes "Ridicu- 
 les, his Tar tuff e, his Bourgeois Gentilbomme, 
 his Ecok dcs Femrnes & des Marts, and his 
 Malade imaginaire t tharj all the books which 
 had been written, and the declamations 
 which had been thundered againft the mo- 
 ral, civil, and intellectual vices fatirized 
 in thefe witty comedies. All the troops of 
 the greateft and bed modern philofophcrs 
 united againft the ingenious and fpecious 
 dreams of Defcartes did not make him lofe 
 fo much ground, as the mod witty, fenfi- 
 ble, and ingenious " Voyage to the World 
 of Defcartes", written in> French by Fa- 
 E 2 ther
 
 5 2 PREFACE. 
 
 ther Gabriel Daniel, and very well tranflated 
 into Spanifli. But what need of more than 
 to obferve, that, till Cervantes came forth 
 with his admirable Don Quixote, the extra- 
 vagant turn for romantic hiftory and adven- 
 ture flourillied in our own country in all its 
 vigour, detrimentally cheating innumerable 
 readers of both their time and tafte for 
 other books which might have intruded 
 them, notwithftanding fome of the great- 
 eft authorities had declaimed againft this 
 grofs and filly inclination till they were 
 hoarfe ? Why then may not I hope that 
 " The Hiftory of Friar Gerund de Cam* 
 pazas" may be as fortunate as that of 
 Don Quixote de la Mancha, efpecially as 
 the matter is of a higher kind, and the 
 inconveniences we endeavour to remove, 
 of fo much greater weight and confe- 
 quence ? 
 
 ^ You fee too, my good reader (-now I be- 
 gin to fondle you again and ftroke your 
 back) that this manner is approved by the 
 anonymous author of a very recent little 
 performance, printed in Utopia, but which 
 fteals about here privately, intitled, " Wif- 
 dom and Folly in the Pulpits of Nunne- 
 
 Towards the end of the preface 
 
 which is almoft as tiacfome as this the 
 
 author
 
 PREFACE. 53 
 
 author talks of having heard that " A 
 French bifaop, feeing the little utility of a 
 prohibition that bad been laid uponjifty or 
 Jixty preachers who dijhonotired the word of 
 God in the pulpit, thought it expedient to try 
 if the making fuch preachers ridiculous ivoufd 
 not be more fuccefsfii! than the employing fc- 
 vere authority. He compofed a fermon they 
 fay ', filled with conceits, of which our Jirjt- 
 rate preachers icculd have been happy to be 
 the authors. The text be took ivas, Sicut 
 unguentum quod defcendit a capite in bar- 
 bam, barbam Aaron like the precious 
 ointment upon -the head which ran down 
 unto the beard, even Aaron's beard. On 
 the very day after this fermon appeared \ the 
 bookfrller had not a copy left, and above forty 
 re-impreflions of it found as quick difpatcb. 
 But the bejl of it is, that it Las banifoed 
 conceits from the pulpit, and if any Jhould be 
 inadvertently admitted by an orator, it isfuf- 
 Jicient to fay, that he preached in the tajie of 
 Sicut Unguentum. -This appears to me the 
 mojl prompt and ejjicacious remedy. " 
 
 Your Reverence is exceedingly in the 
 right of it, my Reverend Father (I am now 
 talidng to the author of this pamphlet, 
 whom I know as well as 1 do my own fin- 
 gers, and know too that he is as much a 
 E 3 Spaniard
 
 4 PREFACE. 
 
 Spaniard as I am a Frenchman, notwith- 
 fhnding he is pleafed to honour us with 
 making himfelf our countryman, an ho- 
 nour for which we thank him, but of 
 which we are not over and above greedy) 
 I fay, your Reverence is as right in this, as 
 in the religious zeal with which you fnatch- 
 ed your pen to correct us, as well in the 
 two abfurd fermons by Spanim authors, 
 which you compare with two others, really 
 good and folid, by a celebrated French au- 
 thor, as in the firft part of your preface .; 
 for however it may be made up of common 
 places and trivial reflections, yet they are 
 very true and lofe nothing by having been 
 handled before. 
 
 Would that your Reverence had been 
 as. right in the little mercy you mew to all 
 Spaniards in general, and the particular fe- 
 verity with which you treat the refpedable 
 body of the king's preachers, fingularizing 
 amongft them the preachers del numero * / 
 'Tis charming to Tee how your Reverence 
 begins from page 26 to .lay about you, on 
 all our preachers, without difference or dif- 
 tindion, cut and thruft, right and left, up 
 and down, fall as it may. 'Tis an age, fays 
 
 * Thofe who are appointed before the number is filled 
 up are dsl numero , the others extra-numerary. 
 
 your
 
 PREFACE. 55 
 
 your Reverence, fince ioe have had any 
 preachers. In/lead of Preachers ve Lave 
 Bawlers, Ranters, Mountebanks, Parrots, 
 and Madmen. This indeed is fomething 
 like! This is truly to be a valiant man, to 
 attack couragioufly the Whole, and not go 
 about fkirmifhing xvitn parties and detach- 
 ments ! Your little war may do well enough 
 for crafty, defenfive, pufillanimous gene- 
 rals, but your Alexanders of the quill en- 
 gage the enemy face to face, and leek the 
 thickeft of the army. So then we find, 
 to come to the point at once, that the 
 Bar das t the Cajlejones, the Bermudezas, the 
 Gallos, and a very long lift of others, alive 
 and hearty,, which I could add, are Baiu- 
 lers, and Ranters, and Mountebanks, and 
 Parrots, and Madmen, and may go and 
 learn fome other trade, for in ihort, // is 
 an age Jince ive have bad any preachers! 
 
 We are not to be fur prized therefore (pro- 
 ceeds your reverence in the 27th and aSth 
 page of your difcreet, civil, and charitable 
 preface) that among ft us there are no preach- 
 ers who make converfions, for there are none 
 who form the defign of making them ; and 
 they might themfches well wonder if they 
 foould fee any one converted, as they never 
 thought of attempting it. We might finim. 
 E 4 wirh
 
 5 6 PREFACE. 
 
 with this ; and long live your Reverence 
 for opening our eyes, which we have hi- 
 therto kept moft miferable hut, or at lead 
 covered with cataracts ! We were thinking 
 that in this age, and in our own times, the 
 indefatigable Garcefes, the moil auftere and 
 zealous Hernandeces (Dominicans), the apof- 
 tolic Dutaris and Calatayudes (Jefuits), the 
 moft illuftrious Goiris, and the Signiors 
 Aldaos, Gonzaleccs, and Micheknas (of the 
 fecular clergy) had made and were making 
 many and moft wonderful conversions. We 
 imagined that this was the fcle defign they 
 formed in the continual apoftolic excurfions 
 with which they unwcariedly traverfe, 
 fome the whole kingdom of Spain ; and 
 others, determinate kingdoms and pro- 
 vinces of the monarchy. We thought that 
 in this they were imitated by other miffio- 
 naries innumerable, if not of fo great name, 
 yet rot of inferior zeal and fpirit, who are 
 almoft perpetually vifiting and fandifying 
 one part or other of our peninfula. At 
 leaft we had the comfort of thinking that 
 the vaft number of Evangelical preachers 
 who in time of Lent declare bloody war 
 againft vice and ignorance, feeking to at- 
 tack them in their very trenches, formed 
 no other defign than the converfion of 
 
 fouls j
 
 PREFACE. 57 
 
 fouls ; and that fo far from wondering 
 themfelves if any mould be converted, that 
 they would have much more caufe to won- 
 der if many \vere not converted ; for tho*, 
 to our misfortune, there may be fome, or 
 perhaps many amongft thefe latter, who 
 either do not propofe to themfelves this 
 end, or are unflcilful in the means to effbcl: 
 it, yet it cannot be denied but that the great- 
 er part can neither have any other defign 
 nor avail themfelves of fitter means to ac- 
 complim it, confidering the genius of the 
 nation and the ciroumftances of their au- 
 ditory. This is what we poor creatures 
 were fancying ; but, thanks to your Reve- 
 rence who has delivered us from the illu- 
 lion. Neither the firft, nor the fecond, 
 nor the third, ever formed that defign or 
 thought of attempting it, becaufe amongft us 
 there are no preachers who make converfionst 
 or think of making them ! Tell me now in- 
 genuoufly what medallion of the Emperor 
 Caracalla had your Reverence in contem- 
 plation when you ftamped fo fcandalous and 
 injurious a petition on our whole nation ? 
 But, what is very pleafant, and perhaps 
 without example, is, that not only the 
 thought, but the phrafeology, and almoft 
 the whole preface is pilfered from a book 
 
 1 written
 
 58 PREFACE. 
 
 written in the native language of the au- 
 thor, entitled, " The true Method of 
 Preaching according to the Spirit of", the 
 Gofpel;" and to make this gallant exploit 
 credible, behold a fample for proof: " It 
 ought not to caufe furprize, therefore, 
 that there are fo few preachers who make 
 converfions, there being fo few who form 
 to themfe'lves fuch an important defign ; 
 there are rather many who might jutily 
 wonder if they faw any converted by their 
 fermons, fince they never thought of any 
 fuch thing." Literally tranfcribed from 
 the tranflation publimed in Madrid, in 
 1724. But the mod curious part of the 
 knavery is to come; for though there are 
 many paflages which fpeak clearly of the 
 French alone, as, from its author being a 
 Frenchman, the above-quoted ftntence and 
 the whole work is confefTedly addrefTed to 
 them, yet his Reverence, with a tru- 
 ly edifying candour, inverts it into an in- 
 vedive againft our preachers, and an 
 apology -for his own. Can there be more 
 bravery or rather a bafer and more im- 
 pudent piece of plagiarifm ! 
 
 But prefently we fee, in page 31, your 
 Reverence foftens your tone, when you ta- 
 citly con fefs that fome of our miflionaries 
 
 preach
 
 PREFACE. 59 
 
 preach with this defign, hut err miferably 
 in the means they employ, and ftill more 
 miferably deceive themfelves in the figns 
 by which they judge of the effect of their 
 miflions. T'hey are afterwards much fatif- 
 Jied with t heir fervour, fays your Reverence, 
 becaufe the people groaned and bawled with 
 them, and like them, in their acJs of contri- 
 tion ; bccc.ufe an eld woman was frightened, 
 a pregnant one mif carried, a girl fainted away, 
 and two or three thouf and people communicated. 
 But do they okferve that of thefe not two art 
 converted to newnefs of life ? Wty ? Eccaufc 
 the heart, rather terrified than perfuaded by 
 their noife, Jiies to the tribunal of repentance 
 without any fettled purpofe and hardening it- 
 JelJ jiill more and more and more in Jin, for 
 want of fitch purpofe, they depart Jlill farther 
 and fart her from true cower/ion ; which isjuft 
 what the devil wifhes ; Jince from tbefe mif- 
 Jions he draws innumerable facrihges, and re- 
 news his hold upon miferablejinners, who go 
 from tbefe bowlings with-jitt any inward peni- 
 tence of foul. 
 
 My moil reverend Father, I do not know 
 that there is any miffionary of confidera- 
 tion in Spain, or preacher of good fenfe, 
 who is not perfuaded that neither the 
 groans of the audience, nor the fright of 
 2 the
 
 So P R E F A G E. 
 
 old woman, nor the mifcarriage of the 
 pregnant one (fuch examples have not been 
 wanting), nor the fainting of the girl, nor 
 the communion of three thoufand people, 
 nor even of thirty thoufand, which has been 
 feen more than once, are infallible figns of 
 true converfion. They are well .aware that 
 they are equivocal figns ; yet, after all, they 
 are figns, if not of converfion, yet that 
 the people are moved by what they hear. 
 Motion is not far diftant from commotion, 
 according to that fentence of fcripturc, 
 Uvifpiritusy ibi commotio. And indeed St. 
 John Chryfoilom was well pleafed with 
 thefe exterior demonftrations in his people 
 of Antioch, when they wept if the Saint 
 wept, groaned if the. Saint groaned, and 
 melted into tcndernefs if the Saint mdtcd. 
 Scarce will your Reverence read any ho- 
 mily of this mod eloque t father in which 
 you meet not with expreflions of the com- 
 fort and holy complacency which this gave 
 him. At thefermcns of St. Vicente Per: . \ 
 fays the hifiorian of his life, the audience 
 was all tears, groans, exclamations, faint- 
 *ngs, and ftrange Jymptoms. And if your 
 Reverence will exclude him for being a 
 Spaniard, hear what the father Croiist, 
 who you know was not one, fays, in his 
 
 lite
 
 PREFACE. 6t 
 
 life of the fame faint, as we read for the 
 5th of April in his celebrated " Cbriftian 
 Tear." 
 
 He preached with fo much zeal and power* 
 that hi' filed even the moft infenjible hearts 
 iv i 'th terror. Preaching at Tholoufe (your 
 Reverence will obferve that this was not 
 at Labajos, hor any other town of Spain) 
 upon the day of judgment ', all the audience be- 
 gan to be affecled with fuch a trembling, as 
 if they had been feiztd by a violent ague ft. 
 Frequently 'was he interrupted by the cries 
 and waitings of his hearers, with whofe tears 
 the Saint, obliged to be Jt lent for a confnlera- 
 ble fpace> mixed his own. On many occafans, 
 preaching in the public fquares or in the open 
 jield. various .perfons were feen to be Jlruck 
 fpeechkfs find immoveable, as they had been 
 Jlatues. And now let your Reverence tell 
 me, do you really think that the Saint did 
 not eftecm, as happy figns, thefe exterior 
 demonftrations and involuntary irruptions 
 fro'n the interior commotion of the heart ? 
 
 O Lord ! That in the miflions innume- 
 rable facrileges mould be committed ! But 
 let this innumerable pafs, though it is diffi- 
 cult to fwallow. Does your Reverence think 
 that few are committed at the time of con- 
 felTion and pafqual communion, which 
 
 every
 
 62 PREFACE. 
 
 every Catholic is obliged to obferve under 
 pain of excommunication, and fomething 
 more ? Does your Reverence believe truly 
 that many are not committed at the time 
 of the moft celebrated jubilees ? And would 
 it be well that thofe zealous paftors mould 
 upon this account be deprived of what is 
 their true joy, who rejoice fo mucrT in the 
 Lord when they fee ail their parishioners 
 comply with the rites of the church ? Is it 
 well, that your Reverence mould laugh at 
 that fpiritual comfort which every man, but 
 of ordinary zeal and love for religion, feels, 
 when he fees an innumerable multitude of 
 confeflions and communions in fulled ju- 
 bilee ? Is it well that your Reverence fliould 
 aiTert fo roundly that this is juft what the 
 devil wijhes, that all confefs and communi- 
 cate as well in obedience to the Church at 
 Barter as in the great jubilees ? Good 
 Father What's-his-name, another time let 
 your Reverence proceed with a little more 
 caution in proportions fo general and fo odi- 
 ous, weighing more leifurely the arguments 
 by which you pretend to prove them ; and 
 believe me, that because I am in hade, and 
 out of pure pity, I do not detain myfelfin 
 examining other claufes of this curious pa- 
 ragraph
 
 PREFACE. <% 
 
 ragraph in which I fpy foul groflheffes that 
 would never pafs the iieve. 
 
 But your Reverence cannot cxpedt that I 
 can in confcience connive at the heap of 
 mod injurious and general propofitiorts 
 which follow. Page 28. A doating old wo- 
 man Hkewife can talk, a madman can talk, and 
 a parrot can talk. But are thefe preachers f 
 Tes, fuch PREACHERS as OURS, who arc 
 only idle talkers and nothing more. Page 32* 
 The n I fay that OUR PANEGYRICAL 
 PREACHERS know not how to, nor cannot ; 
 preach, upcnSt. Jofepb, St. Benedict, St. Ber- 
 nard, (sic. without jfeaking her efy. Page 3 4, 
 'Can there be a more unallowable, or more com- 
 mon liberty, than that which OUR PREACH- 
 ERS take, in always making the faints whom 
 'they celebrate fuperior to all thofe of both the 
 Old and New Teftament ? Page 43. OUR 
 PREACHERS draw together, as Paul for- 
 merly in thefyuares of Athens, an idle* audience* 
 who prop ofe to themf elves no other end than 
 to hear fome new thing. Page 5-3. Among ft 
 a great number of Spanish books in a library 
 in Holland were fome felecl fermons of OUR 
 GREAT PREACHERS, with a title on the back 
 of each volume, which faid in golden letters* 
 ARGUMENTATIVE ELOQUENCE OF THE 
 SAVAGES OF EUROPE. 
 
 Enough,
 
 64 PREFACE. 
 
 Enough, enough ! Will patience bear 
 imore, than that OUR PREACHERS are mad- 
 men, parrots, talkers, and nothing elfe ! 
 That OUR PREACHERS cannot celebrate 
 the faints without fpeaking herely ! That 
 OUR PREACHERS are mountebanks, wha 
 draw together an idle audience, as Paul 
 formerly in the fquares of Athens ! Poor 
 apoftle ! What honour is done thee ! That 
 OUR GREAT PREACHERS are the favnges 
 of Europe ! And that we may buy this 
 curious performance, printed notices are 
 difpatched every where by the port, from 
 the place where .it was privately printed, to 
 let us know where we may be treated for 
 our money with this delicate fare. And are 
 there Spaniards who have been eager to buy 
 this charming flattery ! And can the author 
 of it, who fo honours us, be now eating 
 the bread of Spain. As the great Bru- 
 cen de la Martiniere, who in his Geogra- 
 phical Dictionary fpeaks of us with fo much 
 negligence, ignorance, and difeflecm, that 
 it is plain he was paid for it by our ene- 
 mies ! 
 
 My choler was rifing, but I have thrown 
 a cold flone upon it -, for thefe affairs are 
 beft managed with patience. Well then, 
 my Reverend Father, it cannot be denied 
 
 but
 
 PREFACE. 65 
 
 but that there are amongft our preachers 
 fome, thut there are many, who are all that 
 your Reverence fays* and even more, if it 
 were pofiible* But are ALL our preachers 
 fo ? For this is implied in fo general a pro- 
 pofition. And do our preachers ALON 
 delerve this character ? For this your Re- 
 verence fuggefts in page 40, when you pro- 
 pofe for our example, our neighbours the 
 French preachers, who like faithful dogs bark 
 at the wcfoes, and keep them from their flocks* 
 and conftantly 'wage lively war againjl vice, 
 &c. and afterwards your Reverence begins 
 to relate byway of oppofition what happens 
 here in Spain "the preachers, filerit againjl 
 *uice, fujftr it to take root, to fpread, and 
 multiply. 
 
 God defend me ! How weak your Re- 
 verence's memory muft be ! Since .you feem, 
 never to have done with telling that little 
 ilory (and with enchanting grace) of the- 
 French bifhop who filenced fifty or Jixty 
 preachers, and feeing it had no effect, print- 
 ed that burlefque fermon, which was re- 
 printed above forty times, upon the text of 
 Si cut Unguentum, which, to read the wit 
 which your Reverence relates it, makes us 
 bfc-flaver our own beards, pray, were thefe 
 fifty or fixty preachers, our neighbours, (of 
 
 VOL. L ' F one
 
 66 P R E F AC fi. 
 
 one dlocefe, as mud neceffarily be fuppofed 
 that they might be fubjeft to the jurifdic- 
 tion of this Signior bifliop) the faithful 
 dogs who barked at the wolves and kept 
 them from their ftocks ? And are not theie 
 allb to be numbered amongft the favages of 
 Europe? Let your Reverence calculate then 
 at the rate of no more than fifty or fixty 
 preachers of the beard of Aaron to each of 
 the 1 06 bifliopricks* contained in the 
 kingdom of France, and allow but 100 
 nrore, of the fame ftuff, to each of the 
 1 8 archbiftiopricks in thofe dominions, and 
 you will find a body of near 8000 favages 
 O'tr neighbours no bad fupply for rein- 
 forcing the army of The Savages of Europe. 
 But what do I talk of reinforcing ? It will - 
 b^ well if the auxiliaries do not exceed the 
 principals. 
 
 My reverend Father, do not let us mif- 
 take. Not one of the vices which your Re- 
 verence notes in our preachers, are unnoted 
 in our neighbour sty thearchbifhopof Cam^ 
 bray and the Fathers Gauftno and Gifbert* 
 in the works which they- wrote to correct 
 the abufes of the pulpit, in their own coun- 
 trymen alone, for they did not interfere 
 with others, particularly the firft and laft, 
 If it were worth while it would be eafy for 
 
 me
 
 PREFACE. 67 
 
 me to demonftrate it ad oculum. But I am 
 tired with being detained fo long in your 
 Preface, which has quite fickened me. And 
 fhould I be well received in France, if, 
 feigning myfelf a Frenchman; and availing 
 myfelf of what the French themfelves de-- 
 claim againft their bad preachers, I fhould 
 fpread abroad a pamphlet, or it may be 
 called a libel, which, finking at once at 
 the root of all decency and common fenfe, 
 fhould proclaim that, OUR PREACHERS are 
 bawlcrs : OUR PREACHERS are mounte- 
 banks: OUR PREACHERS are parrots : OUR 
 PREACHERS are madmen : OUR PREACH- 
 ERS make no cDnverfions : OUR PREACH- 
 ERsfsrm no fitch defign : and in fhort, that 
 OUR PREACHERS are the Savages of Eu- 
 rope! 
 
 If I mould publim a book filled with 
 fuch ftuff in France, taking by my own au- 
 thority the right 6f naturalization, would 
 not all the parliaments mower more decrees 
 of fire againft this book, and of apprehen- 
 fion againft its author, than were fhowercd 
 forne years ago againft the pariQi minifters 
 for a bufinefs which your Reverence wots 
 of* ? Would they not all, men, women, 
 
 * The demanding always a certificate of their 
 
 parifliioners having performed the duty of confeflion 
 
 F 2 before
 
 6 fc PREFACE. 
 
 and children, pluck me by the beard, with- 
 juftice, and exclaim, le Coquin ! le Faqum! 
 U Maraud I To do/ criante an injuftice ta 
 all the great preachers which France has 
 produced, and is continually producing, 
 only becaufe the pulpit is difhonoured by a 
 handful of fools and blockheads ! Would 
 they not hit me in the teeth with the Bour- 
 dalouesjNifa the Colombieres, with the Fleuris, 
 with the Flechiers, with the Segauts, with 
 the MaJMons t vr\th theBrefoneaus, and an im- 
 menfe catalogue of truly apoftolic orators, 
 and zealous, eloquent, rapid, evangelical, 
 folid, fublime, and original models? Would 
 they not recriminate alfo that the nation* 
 was not in need of a fuppofititious French- 
 man to come and fet himfelf about cor- 
 reding the defects' of their countrymen, 
 fince it had true legitimate fons who 
 might take the charge upon them with 
 much more grace and much more judg- 
 ment ? Good Father, we are in the fame 
 cafe, and I befeech your Reverence to ex- 
 cufe me the application. 
 
 As I am a Chriftian I would now wifh to 
 have done with it 5 for I find myfelf getting 
 
 before they wouM admit them to the communion.---A 
 piece of Janfeniftical rigour notrequifite in the Galilean 
 church. 
 
 into
 
 PREFACE. 69 
 
 into a heat, and that is bad for the digef- 
 tion. But yet I could not anfwer it to my- 
 felf not to fay one little word upon a cer- 
 tain digreffion, the mod impertinent in the 
 world for the defign, which your Reve- 
 rence makes iq page 50. And, nevcr- 
 thelefs, preaching thus, have many of them 
 come to a mitre ! As If mitres were made for 
 heads jluck In a cowl ! Shall we continue to 
 let Jlr angers believe that this happens through 
 any fault of ours ? As they are not accujlomed 
 to fee Friars made hi/hops except in Spain t 
 when they read in the gazettes that the king 
 of Spain has given a bifbopHck to a Friar, 
 they think that Jor want of epifcopal ecclefe- 
 ajlics the king finds himf elf obliged to confer it 
 on a friar, Jince there are none who can, or 
 who deferve to be made bifhops amongft the 
 graduates or fecular clergy, 
 
 O let them fet me this paragraph with 
 precious (tones of but two to the hundred 
 weight, whilft I blow my nofe, for I feel 
 a defluxion, and the affair requires it! 
 Look ye, Father, no one can fpeak with 
 more impartiality than I upon this fubject ; 
 for your Reverence is to know that I am a 
 poor graduate, I have not my head ftuck in 
 a cowl, and I cannot be a bifhop. What 
 minifler of St. Peter de Villagarcia had 
 > F 3 ever
 
 7 o PREFACE. 
 
 ever a mitre I will not fay fct upon his 
 head, but even in his fancy ? The moft we 
 -have had here has been a doftor of the little 
 univerfity of Siguenza, or fome fuch thing, 
 who has come to be a commifTary of the 
 holy office ; and a veftry was called to give 
 him a Vitor * painted in fed ochre, a de- 
 ii<m which was abandoned becaufe the in - 
 come of the parim could npt pay the e- 
 pence. As to me, I was graduated in the 
 famous univerfity of Valla dolid, and am a 
 phenomenon amongft them. When they 
 hear me fay I was a competitor for the ca- 
 thedrasQi prqfefibrmips (if at any time I fay 
 it) the good people crofs themf-lyes, and 
 not a few of them afk if cathedras are 
 things to eat. Let your Reverence judge 
 if in this fituation and with fuch a title 
 my icjeas muft not be humble, and if I can 
 think of a mitre ! With a little prebend of 
 feven or eight hundred -f ducats a year, I 
 
 V A large piece of paper infcribed with capital let- 
 ters, or a can vafs on which the letters are paimecl, con- 
 taining a fhort eulogy of fome perfon, with his name, 
 for fome famous merit, and hung out to. public, view : 
 fometimes -\yritten on the Church-walls with red ochre ; 
 and always beginning with this word ViTOR---Conque- 
 ror ! Hero ! From the Latin ViCTOR---as an interjec- 
 tion. Hence too a verb is formed, VITOREAR, to ce- 
 lebrate, to extol, to huzza. 
 
 j- About an hundred pounds fterling. 
 
 would
 
 PREFACE. 71 
 
 would not change conditions with a patri- 
 arch ; and tell the king and his father con- 
 felTor fo from me : for whatever they two 
 may think, the thing is done, lince as to 
 my part, I affure you, the acceptance is 
 already anticipated. 
 
 This being premifed, tell me what you* 
 Reverence was thinking of when you had 
 -the hardinefs to write the firft claufe of this 
 pleafant paragraph, And neberthekfs, preach- 
 ing thus, have many of them come to a mitre! 
 That is, the mitre has been attained to by 
 various Bawlers, Ranters, Mountebanks, 
 Parrots, Madmen, Preachers of Jlerefy, Sa- 
 vages of Etlrope, for it is thefe who preach 
 thus. Thefe have been recommended 
 by the Chamber of Caflile to be bifliops, 
 confirmed by the council of nobles and fa- 
 ther confeflbrs, and nominated by the king 
 to the mitre ! Let your Reverence draw the 
 confequences which refultfrom this, for I 
 am ibmewhat in hade, and my attention is 
 called to the claufe which follows : as if 
 mitres ivere made for beads ftuck in a cowl! 
 Is it fo? That mitres are not for heads ftuck 
 in cowls, nor heads ftuck in cowls for mi- 
 tre* ? Then itill lefs will they be for the Red 
 Hat, and ftiil much lefs for the Tiara. And 
 has your Reverence counted well the heads 
 , F 4 which
 
 7 a PREFACE. 
 
 which from the cowl have attained to 
 the hat, and after the hat have been cor 
 vered with the Tiara, without taking the 
 many others into the account which have 
 had the Tiara clapped on aim oft inimedir 
 ately upon the cowl ? Has your Reverence 
 read any thing of Ecclcfiaftical Hiftory ? I 
 fear you have only heard that there is a 
 thing in the world fo called; for if you had 
 but once faluted it, you would V new that 
 for almoft two hundred years (others fay 
 three hundred) the Tiara fcarctly departed 
 from the Benedidine cov 1 of the celebrated 
 Monte Cafino. But wha- cowls were thofc! 
 $ut what Tiaras ! 
 
 And the mitres of France, were they 
 never made for heads ftuck in a cowl ! 
 Poor intruder in Spain ! How little does 
 he know his own hiftory ? Is your Rever 
 rence ignorant then, that for more than 
 three ages there was fcarcely a bifhop in 
 France who was not taken from the cowls 
 hid in the celebrated monafteries of Le- 
 rins, Pontigni, Tours, Fuente-Jean, Cha- 
 lis, Mqnt-martre, Ifla-barba, Brou, and 
 innumerable others, as well Benedictines 
 as Cirtertians, not to reckon Cluni or Cif- 
 ter, which in the thirteenth and fourteenth 
 Centuries were called Let Pcpiniers des 
 
 Evegues,
 
 PREFACE. 73 
 
 Evtques, the Nurferies for Biftops r Did 
 you never read in yoqr hiftory that in the 
 twelfth century it was as it were a fettled 
 thing that in the council of the Clergy and 
 People the Abbots of Cifter, whofe order 
 then flourished with the greateft rigour of 
 jnoft exact obfervance, were to be pror- 
 pofed for the vacant bifliopricks? Have you 
 pot met in it with the difficulty the clergy 
 and citizens of Bourges were under at the 
 death of their archbifhop Sully, becaufe 
 there then flourijhed in the Cijlercian order fo 
 many illujlrious members that the very multi- 
 tude em bar raffed them in their choice ? Thefc 
 are the words of the hiftory, and imply a 
 jiecefiity that the election {hould fall upon 
 one of that order. Tell me, thou Spanifh 
 Neophyte, were the Martinos, the Guil- 
 lermos, the Luvines, the Eucherios and 
 .an innumerable number of French bifhops 
 I could name, canonized and not canonized, 
 heads ftuck in univerfity-caps or in cowls ? 
 Your Reverence fays, that as Jlr 'angers are 
 not accuflomed to fee friars made bifoops ex- 
 cept in Spain, when they read in the gazettes 
 that the king of Spain has given a bijboprick 
 to a friar t they think that for want of epifr 
 copal ecclefiajllcs the king Jinds himfelf obliged 
 fo confer it on a friar, Jince there are none 
 
 who
 
 74 PREFACE. 
 
 w/60 can, or 'who deferve to be made blfoops a- 
 mongjl the graduates or fecular clergy, What ! 
 Are not ftrangers accuftomed to lee friars 
 made bifhops, except in Spain? Are there no 
 friars made bifhops in Italy? Are there none in 
 Germany ? Give it up, Father, for the love of 
 God. Before your Reverence had published 
 thispropofition would it not have been better 
 and more eafy to have fettled the point with 
 yourfelf, whether or no there were at this 
 time in Germany or Italy friars habited in bi- 
 fiiops' robes, than to wafle your natural heat 
 in enquiring if two or three thoufand years 
 ago the children of the pagans were habited 
 as little gods and goddefTes out of devotion, 
 in like manner as the children of Chriftian-s 
 are at prefent out of devotion habited as 
 little nuns or friars ? A curious piece of 
 intelligence, which we owe to the indefa- 
 tigable laborioufnefs of your Reverence, 
 but of which we were not in fo much want 
 (if any) as your Reverence was of know- 
 ing that ftrangers are much accuftomed to 
 fee friars habited as bifhops, and bifhops ha- 
 bited as friars, in other places as well as Spain* 
 But to cut the matter {hort, let us go at 
 once to the root of it. It is certain then, 
 my good father, that in the fir/I age of 
 the mftitution or foundation of Friars, the
 
 PREFACE. 7; 
 
 Jieads (luck in cowls (if there were cowls 
 for the heads of thole firft friars to be ftuck 
 in) were not only not made for mitres, nor 
 yet even for the clerical crown, or circle of 
 hair, becaufe thofe primitive monks, by a 
 general rule, neither received nor wifhed 
 lo receive holy orders. They were all as 
 much lay perfons as the mothers who bore 
 them, except here and there one, who af- 
 ter having been in orders retired to the 
 jnonkifh life. This was not owing to a 
 want of men amongft them as eminent for 
 wiidom and learning as for virtue, but be- 
 caufe their profound humility withheld 
 them from that high ftate. If your Re- 
 verence would be thoroughly inftru&ed in 
 this matter you have but to read Father 
 Mabillon. Thus it was in the firir, age of 
 the monkifh inftitution and profeffion. 
 
 But afterwards, when about the year 
 390, Pope Siricius attentively confidered 
 the great good of which the church was 
 deprived, and the great advantages it might 
 derive from the promotion of grave, cir- 
 cumfpecl, exemplary, and wife monks, 
 not only to all the orders but to all the 
 offices and benefices of the church, after 
 he reflected that there was no reafon why 
 the particular good, which humility fug- 
 
 gefled
 
 7 6 PREFACE. 
 
 gelled in this kind of life, fliould prevail 
 over the common good, and finally, after 
 that in confequencc of thefe confiderations, 
 in the letter which he wrote to Himerio, 
 bimop of Tarragon, he tells him that he 
 may not only ordain, but advance to all 
 ecclefiaftical offices thofe monks who ex- 
 celled in gravity, do&rine, purity of faith 
 and holinefs, " Monacbos quoque, quos ta- 
 men morum gravitas & vita acfdei injlltutio 
 fanSla commendat, cleric or urn qfficiis aggrega- 
 ri y " it is pleafant to fee with what bufy 
 zeal the Bifhops, the People, the Empe- 
 rors, and even the Popes diflurbed, fo to 
 fpeak, the holy quiet of monafteries and 
 deferts, and drew from them the exftatic 
 Cenobites to be placed in the highefl dig~ 
 nities, thinking it juft that thofe who had 
 firft fanftifkd folitudes and cloifters fliould 
 afterwards fandify the public and the 
 world. From that time, and for many ages 
 after, fcarce were there any other than 
 monks feen in the firft feats of the univer- 
 ial church, as well in the Eaft as in the 
 Weft. Your Reverence fees now // mi- 
 tres were made for beads flue k in a cowl. 
 
 To conclude, I befeech your Reverence 
 in all fubmiffion that another time you 
 fjieddle not with what you do not under-
 
 PREFACE. 77 
 
 Aand ; that you (hew more juftice (fince 
 you are not difpofed to fhew favour) to the 
 Spanifli nation ; that when you intend to 
 correct abufes, you fpeak with lefs univer- 
 fality ; that you treat with more refpedt the 
 refolutions of the king, and the counlel of 
 his prudent confeflbrs and wife minifters, 
 and, laftly that you would not forget this 
 little Spanim proverb, He that has glafs 
 'windows in bis houfe jkould not throw Jiones 
 ct thofe of his neighbour. 
 
 But that your Reverence may know that 
 I proceed with candour, and do not cenfure 
 for the fake of cenfuring, I will tell you 
 ingenuoufly, that had you been contented 
 with the firft part of your coat of mail 
 Preface *, and contracted the fecond 
 a little, without meddling with the 
 delicate affair of the bifhops (infring- 
 ing on ancient ecclefiaftical hiftory j) with- 
 out befpattering all the king's preachers 
 and particularly thofe del numero, and with 
 having made the comparifon of the two 
 fermons, French and Spanirti, though with 
 the parenthefes and glotfes in bald Spanifh, 
 which you add to the latter, we mould not 
 
 * In the fenfe in which the author has ftyled his own 
 Preface, a Preface with an Helmet^ i. e. a defence againft 
 unjutt cenfure upon the intention of the work. 
 
 have
 
 78 PREFACE. 
 
 have quarrelled. I would have given up to 1 
 your Reverence the two fermons with their 
 two preachers, and even had they been two 
 thoufand fuch, rather than we mould have 
 drawn our fwords. For indeed your Re- 
 verence has much reafon in what you fay of 
 thofe two fermons and all others like them ; 
 I perfectly agree with you iri this : and in 
 the fame "caufe do I now brand iih my pen 
 in this writing, with an endeavour to banifh 
 them, not only from Spain, but from the 
 world, fince aH over the world there are 
 crazy fellows with the name of Preachers. 
 If the ointment of Aaroris beard cured in 
 France fo many difordered preachers, as 
 your Reverence fays, I am not without 
 hopes that the tallow of the underftanding 
 of my Friar Gerund may work equal mi- 
 racles in Spain. At leaft I {hall have great 
 comfort, if after hearing fuch a fermon, as^ 
 there are too many of, in the prefent day* 
 the audience mould cry, Bravo, Friar Ge- 
 rund! Father. Gerund has done wonderfully 
 to-day. The Slgnior Don Gerund bimfelf 
 could not have done more. 
 
 In order to this, my good reader, (blefa 
 me, what a while it is fince we talked to- 
 gether ! I beg your pardon, but this fellow 
 in difguife hindered me in my way, and I 
 
 was
 
 PREFACE. 70 
 
 Was obliged to difpute the point with him) 
 in order to this, ,ny good reader I found 
 it indifpcnfably necefiary to quote many 
 texts of Holy Scripture, as they are quoted 
 by the Friar Gerunds, to apply them as 
 they apply them, and to feem to underftand 
 them as they underftand them. But what I 
 Do not fuppofe, not even jocularly fuppofe, 
 that I quote, apply or underftand them feri- 
 ouflyastheyunderftand them. Ihaveprefent 
 to my mind as well the heavy decree of the 
 council of Trent, as the Bulls of Pius V. 
 Gregory XIII. Clement VIII. and Alex- 
 ander VII. againft this facrilegious profana- 
 tion. I protefl that I. would fooner burn a 
 thoufand Friar Gerunds, than act in oppo- 
 fhion, in the flighted: manner, to fo facred 
 as well as ievere a prohibition. But it was 
 not pofiible to ridicule the preachers who fo 
 miferably and cenfurably infringe it without 
 ridiculing the manner in which they handle 
 the facred text, and confequently without 
 quoting it. Therefore, whenever you meet 
 with any part of holy Scripture ridiculoufly 
 underftood, and floventy applied, think it 
 done with a defign to laugh at, correct, and 
 confound thefe preachers, and, of courfe, 
 that this impiety is to be laid to their ac- 
 count and not mine. Be fure to obferve this, 
 4 as
 
 8o P R E F A C fi. 
 
 as it is of great importance; fince though 
 in truth I am no more thm a poor pi left, as 
 we fay, of the mafs and the pot * and that 
 a very lean one I have forne fear of God 
 before my eyes, I profefs myfdlf fubjecled 
 and obedient to the laws of the church, andy 
 to clofe all, have a foul in my body which 
 I love as much as his can be loved even by 
 a Patriarch. 
 
 But if thou art no more than what thou 
 fayed (this is your laft reply) what put in 
 thy head to meddle with other people's 
 matters, and fuch matters as thefe! Is there 
 a great want in Spain of moil: learned, mofl 
 zealous, moft erudite, and moft maturely- 
 wife men, who might take upon them a 
 charge of ib much gravity and importance ? 
 Whence art thou on a fudden enriched 
 with the flock of literature, judgment, 
 criticifm, knowledge, and wit, neceflary 
 for fo arduous an undertaking ? To fay no- 
 thing of the authority, titles, fame and 
 credit which are requifite ? A chaplain of 
 St. Louis, a minifter of St. Peter de Vil-> 
 lagarcia, a Lobbn, ftuck up for a reformer 
 of the Spanilh pulpit ! A Lobbn ! Graci- 
 
 * A fecular pried living in a houfe ,of his own ; the 
 regular all living in convents and monasteries and eating 
 in common. 
 
 ous
 
 PREFACE. i 
 
 bus Heaven! A Lobon! We of his ao 
 quaintance know who he was N A Lobon, 
 who in three or four ll-rmons which he 
 preached and fome of them on tbe rhumb 
 left far behind him all the paft, prefent* 
 futdre, and polTiblc Friar Gerunds ! And 
 this fellow would inftrudt us ! This fellow 
 would reform us ! This fellow fliall take 
 upon him to laugh at his betters ! O Times ! 
 O Manners. 
 
 Yet, even fo, my good friend- and rea- 
 der -, however it difplcafe you, it is even 
 fo. Yes, this very Lobon, who was ail 
 that you fay, and all that you have a mind 
 to fay, and more too, if you are not con- 
 tented, is he who will venture upon fuch 
 an undertaking as this. To convert the 
 World was a much greater, and for that, 
 God did not avail himfelf of univerfity- 
 profeflbrs, but of a handful of poor fi(her- 
 men : for, after all, my friend, the fpiiit 
 of the Lord bloweth where, when, and 
 on whom it lilteth. That it would have 
 been done much better by almoft any one 
 than by me, I cannot deny ; but as I hear 
 multitudes bewail, and no one let about to 
 cure this corruption, great men excufing 
 themfelves with this, that, and the other 
 
 V-OL. I. G reaibn
 
 8 2? PREFACE. 
 
 reafon I, who do not torment myfelf to be 
 greater, and who cannot be lefs, fp'at in my 
 hands, gave them a rub, and fet them to the 
 work with all that little ftock with which 
 the Lord hath Hefted me. If I have in any 
 wife hit the happy mean, his be the 
 glory ; if I have altogether miffed it, give 
 me credit for the good intention. And 
 with this, farewell -, for faith, I am tired 
 with fo long a colloquy. 

 
 THE 
 
 HISTORY 
 
 OF THE 
 FAMOUS PREACHER 
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 
 
 BOOK I. 
 
 CHAP. I. 
 
 tfbe birth, parentage, and Jirft education of 
 Friar Gerund. 
 
 CAMPAZAS is a place of which 
 Ptolemy has made no mention in 
 his Geography; probably becaufehc 
 had no knowledge of it, owing to its hav- 
 ing been founded twelve hundred years af- 
 ter the death of this illuftrious geographer, 
 as appears by an ancient inflrument pre- 
 ferved in the famous archives of Cotanes. 
 It is fituated in the province of Campos, 
 between the wefl and the north, looking 
 G 2 direftly
 
 84 - The HIS TO R Y of 
 
 .diredly towards the eaft from that part 
 which is oppolite to the fouth *. Cam- 
 pazas certainly is not one of the moft ce- 
 lebrated or moft populous towns of Old 
 Caftile, but it might be fo j and it is not 
 its own fault that it is not as large as Mad- 
 rid, Paris, London, or Conftan tine pie ; 
 it having been clearly proved that it might 
 have been extended ten or a dozen leagues 
 towards any of the four quarters, without 
 any impediment whatever. And if its moil 
 renowned foundeis (whofe names are not 
 known) inftead of contenting themfelves 
 with raiting in it twenty or thirty cottages, 
 which by a mifnomer they call houfes, had 
 been able, and been willing, to build two 
 hundred thoufand fumptuons palaces with 
 their domes and turrets, with fquares, foun- 
 tains, obelifks, and other public edifices, 
 without doubt it might have been at this 
 day the greateft city in the world. I know 
 very wel} that a certain modern critic. fays 
 this could not have been, becaufe at -a 
 league's diftance runs the river we call Rio 
 Grande, by which the town in this place 
 muft necelfarily have been fevered. But 
 though it was an eafy thing to have fucked 
 
 * Which, no doubt, will bq as clear to the reader as 
 the author intended it iliould. 
 
 up
 
 FRIAR GERUND. $5 
 
 up all the water of the river \Cith fpungcs, 
 as a French traveller informs us is cuf- 
 tomary in Indoftan and at Grand Cairo ; 
 or at lead to have drawn off by a pneuma- 
 tic engine all the air and foreign particles 
 which mingle with the water, and then 
 there fcarcely would have remained enough 
 to fill a vinegar crewet, as is frequently ex- 
 perienced by the modern philosophers in 
 the Rhine and Rhone but what incon- 
 venience would it have been that the Rio 
 Grande mould have run through the city 
 ofCampazas, cutting it in two? Docs not 
 the Thames do fo with London, the Mol- 
 da with Prague, the Spree with Berlin, the 
 Elbe with Drefden, and thd Tiber with 
 Rome, without thefe cities' lofing any tiling 
 upon that account ? But iri fliort the illuf- 
 trious founders ofCampazas did not chufe 
 to trouble their heads with thefe matters, 
 and were contented, for reafons which 
 might be well known to themfelves, with 
 railing on that fpot fuch a thing as about 
 thirty cottages (according to the nioft ap- 
 proved opinion) with their pyramidal roofs 
 and coverings of ftraw, which make one of 
 the moil delicious points of view imagi- 
 nable. 
 
 G 3 Con-
 
 86 The HISTORY of 
 
 Concerning the etymology of Campazns 
 there are very different accounts in authors. 
 Some will have it that it was anciently 
 called Campazos, to denote the large fields 
 with which it is furrounded, which proba- 
 bly gave the name to the whole province of 
 Campos, whofe weftern point commences 
 in that part ; and this opinion is fupported 
 by Anthony Shearero, Bias Garlicketo, Do- 
 mingo Sheepfoldos, and Pafqual Oniono, 
 diligent inveftigators of the things of this 
 province. Others infift that it was called, 
 and ought at prefent to be called, Capazas, 
 from having given rife to the ufe of the 
 long capas or cloaks, which, till late in 
 this century, were worn inftead of the 
 mantelets, by the women of Campos, 
 othervvife called the aunts-, drawing the 
 hood, cut in a fquare form, over their 
 heads, and wearing fringes half way up 
 their outer,petticoat, which was the great 
 bravery on the day of Corpus* and St. 
 Roque, or when the uncle of the houfe 
 
 * The day of Corpus, or the day of God, is the day 
 on which the inftitution of the moft holy facrament is 
 celebrated ; the day of St. Roque, that of the birth or 
 martyrdom of a faint of this name, who is highly ve- 
 nerated by the Spaniards, or at lead whofe leftival is 
 highly honoured by them. Thefe are perhaps the two 
 greateft days in all the year. The majordomos are an - 
 Iwerable to our flewards of feafts. 
 
 ferved
 
 FRIAR GERU N-D. 87 
 
 ferved any majordomofliip. Xo this opi- 
 nion adhere Cefar CloutycloalLon, Hugo 
 Capet, Daniel Coverall, nor is it materially 
 difTented from by JulioCaponi. But however 
 as this affair of etymology is in general an. 
 erudition adlibitum, and as in the well found- 
 ed etymologies of St. Ifidore no mention i$ 
 made of that of Campazas, we mail leave 
 the curious reader to follow the opinion he 
 mofl approves, fince the truth of hiftory 
 will not permit us, the writers of it, to take 
 part in what is undetermined and un- 
 certain. 
 
 In Campazas then, for fo will we call 
 it, conforming to the cuftom of the befl 
 hiftorians, who with regard to places, af- 
 ter having labourioufly pointed out the an- 
 cient, make ufe of the modern name in 
 Campazas lived, about the middle of the 
 hft century, a farmer, who was called the 
 Rich Man *, or 'fquire of the parith, be- 
 caufe he had two yoke of labouring oxen, a 
 pyed mare, two carts, a long-legged dap- 
 ple colt, (but mettlefome and nimble) to 
 carry him to market, a flock of meep, 
 
 * R'us lombrtj formerly a title of high dignity and 
 
 honour, equivalent to the prcfent duke or grandee j 
 
 (fyitirf, therefore, is the leaft title we would give him. 
 
 if ihe render thinks thnt the RiiO fhould be continued 
 
 he may fubftitutc ir. for 'fquire. 
 
 G 4 half
 
 83 The HIST O R Y of 
 
 half breeding and half barren, and his 
 houfe was difiinguimed from all the reft in 
 being the only one which had a covering 
 of tiles. One approached it by a large 
 court-yard, flanked with piazzas, in the 
 language of that country called ox-(talls, 
 outhoufes, &c. covered with thatch ; and 
 over the door of the houfe projected a 
 coving in the form of an upper eye-lid 
 when it hangs horizontally, well \vhite- 
 wamed on the infide, and being ftreaked 
 at alliances with red ochre, it looked like 
 the fkirt of a difciplinant on Maundy- 
 Thurfday. The entry, or pafiage, was 
 beautified in the fame manner, except the 
 dames of ochre ; and every Saturday care 
 \vas.taken that its face was waflied with 
 a frcm cofmetic. Immediately within the 
 entry, on the left hand, in that part of the 
 wall which faced the door when it iloocl 
 open, was a fide-board, which the natives 
 call a melf, whereon directly prefented it- 
 felf to thofe who were about to enter, 
 the whole treafure of the family ; a dozen 
 plates, as many porringers, three large 
 dimes, all of "the beft earthen ware, and in 
 the middle two glafs decanters with feet, 
 a circle of blue near the mouth, and their 
 Candles knobbed or dentellated like a 
 
 cock's-
 
 
 FRIA.R GERUND. 89 
 
 cock's comb. On each Title of ^he fhelf 
 was a jutting-oiit from the walft folid to 
 the ground, about a yard high and a foot 
 over, the fronts and fides fmeared with 
 ochre, and the furfaces whitened, on each 
 of which were made four round mallow 
 cavities for the reception of four earthen 
 pitchers, thofe on one fide containing 
 fpring water for drinking, and on the 
 other river-water for the occafions of the 
 houfe. 
 
 On the right hand, a little farther on in 
 the entry, was the door of the principal 
 room or parlour, which was good twelve 
 feet fquare, with its alcove of feven and a, 
 half. The furniture of the parlour con-' 
 fifted of fix pictures, moft choice ones, 
 from the famous St. James's ftreet, (the 
 Harp-alley) of Valladolid, reprefenting a 
 .St. George,, a St. Barbara, a St. James on 
 horfeback, St. Roque, our Lady del Car-!- 
 men, and St. Anthony the abbot with his 
 Jittle pig by his fidej a table with its 
 coarle woollen cloth bordered with tufts 
 and fringes, a poplar bench, two chairs, 
 crofs-framed like a pair of open fciflars, 
 fuch as are uied for ceremony in the old 
 college of Salamanca ; another which 
 fcei;ied to have been of cane, fuch as are 
 
 in
 
 9 o The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 in prefent ufe, but it had a back only, for 
 where the feat fhould be, appeared only the 
 frame; a large cheft, and near it a lock- 
 lefs portmateau-trunk, which once had 
 hair upon it. Before the alcove was drawn 
 a gauze curtain, laced with figured ferret 
 of five farthings a yard, its valance filled 
 up with fcapularies * run with red rib- 
 bons, and St. Therefas of clay, in their 
 little urns or troughs of pafte-board covered 
 with flofs filk ; all which were diftributed 
 and appointed with much grace. For our 
 'fquire of Campazas was a brother -f- of 
 
 * Thefe fcapularies are two little fquare pieces of cloth 
 or fluff, no bigger than an hand or lefs, connected by a 
 ribbon, and worn round the neck, hanging before and 
 behind, but out of fight, by lay- people out of devotion 
 to the order they are related to, with a badge of which 
 they are fometimes wrought. 
 
 The fcapulary, which makes a part of various reli- 
 gious habits, is a breadth of cloth or ftnfT, hanging over 
 every thing elfe from the neck to the feet, both before 
 and behind, with an hole in the middle to put the head 
 through. 
 
 t Thefe brothers are of great ufe to the religious or- 
 ders, as will be feen in the fcq-uel, being generally very 
 charitable and hofpitable to them ; and in return they are 
 iutitled to certain indulgences, of great confequence, 
 fuch as eating flefti on fome faft days, &c. which have 
 been granted by the pope to the order ; and likewife to 
 the fruit of the prayers and penances of every friar be- 
 longing to it. Hence the whimfical proverbial faying, 
 yojoi el culo dtlfraile, I am made a friar's a of; faid by 
 him on whom hardfhips are impofed for the advantage 
 of others.^ < It is an unworthy phrafe, (fays the Madrid 
 
 dictionary)
 
 FRIAR C E R U N t). 91 
 
 many religious focieties, whofe ptters of 
 admifilon he kept, not out of light, but 
 ftuck againft the wall, fome with wafers 
 and others with chewed bread, in the 
 fpaces between thefe Harp-alley pictures ; 
 and when the reverend fathers, or other 
 friars who had been confeflbrs to nuns, 
 were entertained in his houfe, fome of 
 them gave to the aunt Catania (fo was the 
 fquire's wife called) but more to her daugh- 
 ter Petrona, who was a plump girl of no 
 bad appearance, thefe pious trifles in ac- 
 knowledgment of their hofpitality, recom- 
 mending devotion to them, and fetting forth 
 the benefit of the indulgences granted 
 to their refpeftive focieties. 
 
 For my fins had I like to have forgotten 
 
 the mod highly valued pieces of furniture 
 
 jn all the room. And thefe were the The- 
 
 fes, printed upon crimfon taffety, of a cer- 
 
 diclionarv) though much ufed, being taken from the 
 piety with which the religioos undertake to do penance 
 fun of their neighbours." 
 
 Of fuch people as this farmer of Campazas are the 
 rmjordomos, jult mentioned, generally made, elected 
 yearly by this kind of lay-brethren of the order. A ma- 
 jordomo is the chief manager of a feftival, appoints and 
 pays the preacher, bears the expeuce of proceilioiis, fo- 
 lemn mafs with muiic, dinner, &c. 
 
 The conventual lay-brother, which is a diftincl kind, 
 rs little from a domeftic fervant. 
 
 that
 
 & The HISTORY of 
 
 tain a& which had heen defended in the 
 college of St. Gregory of Valladolid, by a 
 brother of the fquire, who having been 
 the firft member of the celebrated college 
 of St. Froylan of Leon, which is related 
 to many of the fmaiier colleges of Sala- 
 manca, was afterwards a penfioncr * in 
 that of St. Gregorys he came in time to 
 be the gymnaiiarc or chief tutor, an im- 
 portant poft, which he merited by his la- 
 borious ftudy ; he then obtained by his ex- 
 ercifes of competition, the vicarage of A- 
 Jos and Cabollas in the bifhoprick of Avila, 
 and died in the flower of his age, having 
 ]ikewife paffed the firft trials for the redory 
 viVerracG*. In memory of this moft learned 
 man, the ornament of the family, were the 
 faid thefes preferved in a deal frame, black- 
 ened with printer's ink ; and there was a 
 tradition in the family, that having in- 
 tended to dedicate them firft to a bifhop, 
 afterwards to a nobleman, and then to a 
 judge, they all excufed themfelves, becaufe 
 they fmelled an expectation of reward ; 
 
 * A boarder, one living at his own expence. 
 
 * >f;', Ccbslla^ and Vtrrato : there are places of thefe 
 names in Spain ; but the two firft words fignify likewife 
 garlick and onions, and the laft a boar-pie, which gives 
 SL ludicrous equivoque in the original. 
 
 upon
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 93 
 
 upon which the defpairing gymnafiarc (my 
 aunt Catanli always culled him the Here- 
 fare} dedicated them to the Holy Chrift -f 
 of Villaquexida, the expence being borne 
 by an uncle of his, a commiiTary of the in- 
 quilltion. 
 
 His brother the 'fquire of Campazas, 
 who had been a ftudent at ViUagarcia, and 
 had attained to the fourth clafs, or that ia 
 which the ufe and conftrudlion of the parts 
 of fpeech are taught, knew by heart the 
 dedication he had prepared -for cither of 
 the three Mecenafes who would have ac- 
 cepted of it ; for the gymnafiarc had fent 
 it to him from Valladolid, alluring him 
 that it was the performance of a young 
 friar, one of thofe who are called * col- 
 legiate fathers, who dealt in dedications, 
 orations, arguments for the ichools, fc. 
 as he was one of the. moft furious and 
 thundering Latinifts that were ever known 
 till then, and who had got much money, 
 
 f The number of Chrifts and our Ladies in the church 
 of Rome is almoft countlefs, and may be extended to 
 Infinity ; as any one who has ability to endow a chapel, 
 found a feftival, or eret a ftatue, may make one with 
 what title he -plcafes. 
 
 * One of thofe who has fmifhed his ftudies of phi- 
 lofpphy and divinity, and is waiting for a vacancy of a 
 mailer's chair to be a candidate for it. 
 
 fnuff,
 
 94 The HISTORY of 
 
 fnufF, handkerchiefs, and chocolate in this 
 kind of traffic -, for in jhort (faid the gym- 
 nafiarc in his letter) the Latin of this Friar 
 isa.Tjery intoxication, and his fonorons phrafes 
 are a Baby Ion : therefore fcarce had the Tquire 
 read the dedication, croffing himfelf and 
 aftonimed at its elegance, but he refolved 
 to get it by heart, which he compared at 
 the end of three years, retiring every day 
 behind the church which flood out of the 
 village for the fpace of four hours : and 
 when he had perfectly learned it, he quite 
 frightened the clergy of the neighbourhood 
 who aflembled at the feaft of the patron 
 faint, and likewife thofe who went on the 
 pilgrimage of Villaquexida, fometimes 
 pouring it all out, and other times fprink- 
 ling the fare with it at the tables of the 
 majordomos. And as the fly rogue never 
 let any one know whole performance it 
 was, they all took it for his own, by which 
 he pafled amongft all their reverences on 
 this fide the Rio Grande, and even amongft 
 all thofe of the Defert *, for the moft re- 
 
 * The Defert, Paramo : though the drift meaning 
 of this word is defert, it is not to be underltood in its 
 moft rigorous fenfe, but as fignifying the moft open and 
 leaft cultivated part of the province of Campos, that 
 \vhich lay on the other fide the Rio Grande, or great ri- 
 ver, from Campazas; for there are farms and even towns 
 
 in
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 95 
 
 doubted grammarian that Villagarcia had 
 ever turned out : infomuch that ibme went 
 fo far as to fay he knew more Latin than 
 Taranilla himfelf, that famous Domine, 
 who.fe tempeftuous and incomprehenfible 
 Latin ftunned all the region of Campos ; 
 witnefs that famous piece of it, with which 
 he examined his fcholars, beginning thus, 
 Palentlam meafi quis, which fome of them, 
 conftrued, " If any one piiTes in Palencia;" 
 but as this did not found well, and might 
 give offence to the people of the place *, 
 and as it was not probable that the Do- 
 mine Taranilla, in every thing modeft and 
 circumfpecl, and much given to pofterior 
 application, fhould fpeak with indecorum 
 of a city upon fo many accounts refpect- 
 able, other of his fcholars conftrued it in 
 jhis manner - y jl quis mea, " my little one," 
 z/T(underftood) "flee," Palentiam, "from 
 Palenci*." On all thefe did the mercilefs 
 Taranilla lay incefTant whippings ; becaufe 
 the firft loft all refpedl to the city, and the 
 
 in this defert, though not fo numerous as in the other 
 part of the province. However, el Paramo feems to be 
 ufed by the author with an humourous idea, which 
 would be loft in tranflating it by a term lets ftrong than 
 the Defert. 
 
 * There is a city of this name in Leon. 
 
 fecond
 
 96 The HISTORY of 
 
 fecond he thought bantered him j befides* 
 that by either conduction he mud be 
 fuppofed capable of making Latin filled 
 with folecifms. Till at laft, after having 
 puzzled the whole fchool, as no one gave 
 into the recondite fenfe of the emphatic 
 claufe, the domihe, taking out his fnuff- 
 box, giving two taps upon the lid, offering 
 the devoted grains intermitted! y to his noi- 
 trils, by which they were drawn in with 
 the greateft guft, arching his eye-brows* 
 hollowing his voice, and fnuffling with 
 much fedate confidence, vouchfafed to con- 
 flrue it in his own way Mea, "go,"y 
 quis, " if thou art able," Pafantiam, " to 
 Palencia." The boys were thunderflruck* 
 looking at each other with much allonifli- 
 ment at the profound knowledge of theii* 
 domine ; for though it is true, the thing 
 rightly confidered, that there were in his 
 conftruclion almoft as many abfurdlties as 
 words j as meo does not fignify to go any 
 how, but to go round about, meandering* 
 nor queo to be able in any manner, but to 
 be able with difficulty ; yet the poor boys 
 did not underfland thefe niceties -, nor in- 
 deed is the penetrating into the propriety 
 of the various fignirkations which corref* 
 pond to verbs and nouns that appear fy- 
 7 ' nonimoua
 
 'FRIAR GERUND. 97 
 honimous, and are not fo, a bufinefs for 
 beardlefs grammarians, nor -even for their 
 teachers. 
 
 Now as the clergy of the Defert were 
 riot much initiated into thefe myfteries, they 
 held Tarranilla for the Cicero of his age j 
 and when they heard the fquire of Cam- 
 pazas repeat the fonorous dedication, they 
 fet him two cubits higher than Taranilla. 
 himfelf. And as the greateft part of the 
 hiftorians who have written on the affairs 
 of our Friar Gerund agree that this fame 
 dedication had a great (hare in the forma- 
 tion of his delicate and exquifite tafte, it 
 may not be befide the purpofe to give it 
 place immediately ; left in the courle of 
 this true hiftory it may be forgotten thro' 
 the heat of the narration. 
 
 VOL. I. H CHAP.
 
 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 C H A P. II. 
 
 In which, without performing the promife of 
 the firjl, other matters are handled. 
 
 THUS ran, then, the recondite, ab- 
 ftrufe, and be- deviled dedication, 
 the titles being omitted which the gymna- 
 liarc did not think proper to tranfcribe. 
 
 Hattenus me infra vurgam animi litefcentis 
 inipitum tua heretudo inftar mihi luminis exti^ 
 mandea denormam redubiare compellet fed an- 
 tijlar gerras meas anitas diributa & pofarti- 
 tum nafonem quaji agrcdula : quibufdam la- 
 cunis, baburram ftridorem averruncandas ob- 
 lattro. Vos etiam optimi wri, ne mlhi in 
 anginam vejlrtz hifpiditatis arnanticataclum 
 carmen irreptet. At rabiem meam magico- 
 pertit : cicurefqiie confpicite ut alimones meas 
 carnatorcis quam cenfianes extetis. Igitur 
 conramofenfu meam returem quamuis vafcu- 
 him Pieridem affiiitum de *uobis lamponam 
 comtulamfpero. Adjuta namque cupedia pre- 
 fumentis jam non exippitandum Jibi e/e con- 
 jeftat. Ergo benepedamus me hac pudori ci- 
 timiim collocari cenfete. Quam Ji hac non 
 tregerat exitierint n^jracebunt qua halluci- 
 
 nari,
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 09 
 
 hari, vet ut vovinator adduftusfum voti vobis 
 damiumufque ad exodium vitulanti is cobac- 
 mentum. Quis enim mefonibium & non nmr- 
 giffcnem fabula autumcibit quam mentorem 
 exfaballibit altibuans t unde favorem exfre- 
 kruate : fetlibrcm ut applaudam armonie ten- 
 fore a me whit ambronc cclleftam adoreos w- 
 ritatis iiiftruppas. 
 
 This is the famous dedication which 
 the gymnafiarc of St. Gregory's, vicar of 
 Ajos and Cebollas, and in election to 
 the rectory of Verraco, fent from Vallado- 
 lid to his brother the Tquire of Campa- 
 zas: which after having run through the 
 moft celebrated univerfities of Spain with 
 the applaufe it merited, pafled the Pyre- 
 nees and penetrated France, where it was 
 received with fo much eflimation, that 
 they preferve in print a punctual, exacl;, 
 and minute genealogical account of all the 
 hands through which the MS. defcended, 
 With the very moles and marks of its pof- 
 fcflbrs, till it fell into thofe of the curfed 
 enlarger of the Menagiana, who printed it 
 in the firft volume of the four which he 
 fpoiled with his Hioft impertinent notes, 
 fcholia, and additions. It is faid then, 
 by this fcholiaft of my fins, tfrat the firft 
 MS. copy that was known to arrive in 
 H 2 France,
 
 i do The HISTORY of 
 
 France, was poflefTed by Jean Lacurna, a 
 notable man and bailiff of Arnaidel-Du- 
 que ; that it went afterwards to the learned 
 Saumaife -, and from him was inherited- by 
 his eldeft fon Claude Saumaife, who died 
 at Beaune in the 34th year of his age on 
 the iBth day of April, in the year 1661 ; 
 that upon the death of Claude it was added 
 to the library of Jean Baptifte Lantin, a 
 counfellor, who was joint legatee with 
 another counfellor to the MSS. of Saumaife : 
 and that Jean Baptifte Lantin bequeathed 
 it to his fon the Sieur Lantin, counfellor 
 at Dijon. 
 
 All this is very well \ 'punctual, mi- 
 nute, exact ; for it is plain that it would 
 have been a great lofs to the republic of 
 letters if it had not been known with all 
 individuality, through what hands, from 
 father to fon, fo important a manufcript 
 had paffed : and had all inveftigators been 
 as diligent and minute as this moH: learned 
 and exact enlarger, there would not be at 
 this day fuch difputes and fuch a to-do a- 
 mongft our critics about who was the real 
 author of " The Flea" of the Licentiate 
 Burguillios, which fome attributed to Lope 
 de Vega ; and others to a friar, led into the 
 miftake, undoubtedly, becaufe at the end 
 
 of
 
 FRIAR GE RUND. 101 
 
 of the MS. from which the firft impreffion 
 was made in Seville, were thefe letters, 
 Fr. L. d. V. fuppofing the Fr. flood for 
 Friar, things as different and diftinft in them- 
 felves as pofllble, as the very children of 
 Malabar * can tell you ; nor would there 
 have been thole pitched battles fought in 
 England, the beginning of this century, be- 
 tween two wife antiquaries of the univer- 
 flty of Oxford upon the origin of fpurs 
 and the primitive invention of faddle-bags, 
 both grounding their opinions upon two 
 manufcripts which were in the library of 
 the fame univerfity, but without its being 
 known at what time, or by whom they 
 had been introduced into it, which was 
 the decisive point to have refolved the 
 queftion. 
 
 But if thanks are due to the enlarger of 
 the Menagiana upon this account, I cannot 
 give them upon an other account ; becaufe 
 with his chronology upon the manufcript 
 
 * Meaning, the moft ignorant of all children ; much 
 of thcrefufc of Spain, as of every other mother-coun- 
 try, being fent to its fettlements abroad. In the fame 
 idea we meet further on in the work, with Malabar Au- 
 thors, and Malabar Preachers. It is proverbially applied 
 to any character, but was taken probably at firft from 
 the miflionaries lent thither moft curioufly qualified to 
 teach religion, enh'ghten the underUanding, and improve 
 the heart, 
 
 H 3 of
 
 102 The HISTORY of 
 
 of the Dedication he embroils me in an 
 hiftorical difficulty, which I do not know 
 how to difengage myfelf from, without 
 committing an anacronifn> an hard Greek 
 word, which fignifies a contradiction 
 in the computation of time. Monfieur 
 the Enlarger fays, that Claude Saumaife 
 died in the year 1661, and that when the 
 MS. came to him, it had already pafled 
 through two other hands, to wit, thofe 
 of his father, the learned Saumaife, and 
 thofe of the bailiff Jean Lacurna j and it is 
 very obfervable that he does not fay it parT- 
 ed from hand to hand as the Gazette, or the 
 Almanac of Torres is wont to pafs, but gives 
 it fufficiently to be underftood that it was 
 by way of inheritance, and not of donation 
 inter vivos. This being fuppofed, it is as 
 clear as water that the Dedication was 
 known in France fo early as the year 1600, 
 it not being much to allow fixty years to the 
 Sieur Lacurna, and twenty or thirty to Sau- 
 maife ; for, though it mould be faid that 
 they were both born at the fame time, it is 
 not probable that any private man, however 
 learned he might be, {hould live fo long 
 as a bailiff, even though this bailifHhip in 
 France lignify little more than the con- 
 ftablefhip of a parifh ; but, in fliort, in 
 7 the
 
 FRIAR GERUND, 
 
 the fight of God, the bailiff of Arnai was 
 as much a bailiff as that of Lora. And as 
 we have faid, or at leaft fuggefted, in the 
 beginning of this true hiftory, that the De- 
 dication was compofed by a collegiate fa- 
 ther who ftudied in Valladolid when the lad 
 century was already pretty much advanced, 
 fuppofing that no mention is made till the 
 middle of it, of the 'fquire of Campazas, 
 in the annals of that poffible city, and that 
 it was fent to him by his brother the gym- 
 nafiarc, how was it poflible that it fhould 
 be known in France fo early as the year 
 1 600 ? 
 
 To folve this difficulty, there is no other 
 way than by faying, that the collegiate fa- 
 ther might have read this fhipendous piece 
 in fome little French Book, and palmed it 
 upon the good gymnaiiarc as his own work j 
 for thefe tricks we fee played at every turn 
 in our own times, not a few of thofe who are 
 called authors, and who appear to be ho- 
 neft men, when their " Life and Mira- 
 cles" * are afterwards examined into, being" 
 found to be little dirty fcribblers, who, 
 Healing from this and that quarter, come 
 out in a night's time in the gazette with 
 the pompous titles of Mathematician, Phi^ 
 
 * The Life and Miracle* of, &c. is the conflant title 
 <o their numerous hiftories of Saints. 
 
 H 4 iologer,
 
 104 The HISTORY of 
 hloger', Phihfopher, Electrician, Proto- critic* 
 Anti-Jyftematic, when after all they are no 
 more in reality than true Panto-mimics. 
 
 But, leaving this point undecided, what 
 cannot before God and in confcience be 
 forgiven in this moft impertinent Enlarger, 
 is the unjuft and infipid criticifm which 
 he makes upon thefaid Dedication, treating 
 it as the moft perverfe, ridiculous, and ex- 
 travagant thing imaginable, , and adding 
 that the language, though it feems to 
 found like Latin, is of .a barbarous, mon- 
 ftrous, and favage Latinity. But, with 
 leave of his furlinefs, I fhall tell him flatly 
 to his face, that he does not know what is 
 your true Latin, and that it is plain he ner- 
 ver in his life faluted the Chrifts in genuine 
 Latinity ; for, I give him to know that nei- 
 ther Cicero, nor Quintilian, nor Titus Li- 
 vius, nor Salluft, ever made fuch a thing, 
 or were ever capable of making it. And 
 as to what he adds with a fneer, that though 
 in this moft polilhed Dedication are to be 
 found fome fuch words as are met with 
 in the glofles of Ifodore and Papias, and in 
 the collection of Du Cange, yet that he 
 is much miftaken, or there is not a tranfla- 
 tor fo ingenious as to give the true mean- 
 ing of the wbole, I anfwer, that, to con- 
 4 vines
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 105 
 
 yince him how much he is indeed miftaken, 
 the fame collegiate father who gave the De- 
 dication in Latin to the gymnafiarc, whe- 
 ther it was his own or another's compofi- 
 tion, gave it him Jikewife turned into fine, 
 flowing, natural, clear, perfpicuous Spa- 
 nifh, as is feen by an authentic copy found 
 in the book in which the 'fquire of Cam- 
 pazas kept account of his labourers' wages 
 and his fheep-fkins. But we forbear the 
 tranfcriptionof it, as it is to be apprehended 
 the reader will be fatisfied with the Latin. 
 But if he mould not let him read, which 
 will do as well, the dedication of to the 
 >. , or the dedication of , to the moft no- 
 ble , or that of to the right honoura- 
 ble , &c. &c. &c.' 
 
 CHAP.
 
 io6 The HISTORY of 
 
 CHAP. III. 
 
 In which the promife oftbefrjl is profecuted, 
 
 THIS Tquire of Campazas, full bro- 
 ther to the gymnafiarc, was called 
 Antony Zotes, a family rooted in Campos, 
 but fpread all over the world, and fo fruit- 
 fully propagated, that there is not to be 
 found a kingdom, province, city', town, 
 village, or even farm-houfe in which the 
 Zotes, or the family of the Blunderheads *, 
 do not fwarrn like peas in a porridge-pot. 
 Antony Zotes was a farmer, as we have 
 ,faid, in tolerable circumftances , a man for 
 old ewe-mutton, hung-meat, and boufe- 
 hold bread, on ordinary days, with a leek 
 or onion for defert ; beef and faufages on 
 feaft-days; a rafher ufually for breakfaft and 
 fupper, though for the latter now and then 
 a flice of meat with fome oil and vinegar ; 
 the meagre fluff made from water parled 
 through the fqueezed grapes was his ufual 
 beverage, except when he had in his houfe 
 
 * To which the Spanifh word Zote (in the fmgular) 
 is equivalent. Perhaps from the Saxon j o^, whence 
 .tHirword, lot Johnibn. 
 
 any
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 107 
 
 any of the reverend brotherhood, efpeci- 
 ally if he was of confideration in his order, 
 for then he would fet upon the table wine 
 of Villamanan, or of the Defert, a boun- 
 tiful difpofition in appearance, but at the 
 bottom, rather than not, fufpicious, en- 
 vious, interefted, and haggling ; in fhort, 
 a true legitimate bonus i)ir de campis. His 
 ftature middling, but well fet and ftout j 
 his head large and round, a narrow fore- 
 head, fmall eyes, unequal, and fomewhat 
 fubtle ; fhort locks after the cuftom of the 
 Defert, and not flowing and confiftorial 
 like thofe of the tax-gatherers of Salaman- 
 ca; broad-mouldered', flefhy, frefh-colour- 
 ed, and wrinkled. Such was the inward 
 and outward man of the uncle Anthony 
 Zotes. Though he had attained in his 
 youth to the fourth clafs of his Ichool with 
 an intention of taking orders (for it it faid 
 that there was a chapelry * in the family 
 which would have come to him upon the 
 death of an uncle of his, the chief pried 
 of Villaornate) yet a girl of the place put 
 in her plea fo fuccefsfully, that in the end, 
 my uncle Antony found it neceffary to be- 
 take himfelf to the church, not for the 
 fervice of the choir or the altar, but to be 
 
 * Equivalent to a living. 
 
 * joined
 
 io& The HISTORY of 
 joined in holy wedlock. Now the thing 
 happened on this wife. 
 
 He was ftudying at Villagarcia, and al- 
 ready in the fourth clafs, as has been faid, 
 jn the twenty-fifth year of his age, The 
 fortnight's vacation, for the Holy and Barter 
 weeks arrived, and he went home to his 
 own town, as is the cuflom for all the flu- 
 dents whofe home is within diflance. The 
 devil, who never {Jeeps, tempted him to 
 play the penitent on Maunday-Thurfday * ; 
 for as our young fludent was now well 
 fhot up and his beard grown, he looked 
 lovingly upon a damfcl, who had been a 
 neighbour of his ever iince they went to 
 fchool together to the clerk of the parifh, 
 to learn the horn book ; and in order to 
 court her in the moil winning manner, he 
 thought it expedient to go forth as a dif- 
 ciplinant : a^s this, the reader is to know, 
 is one of the gallantries with which the 
 women of Campos are moil pleafed, where 
 it is a very old obfervation, that the great- 
 eft part of the marriages are concerted on 
 Maundy-lhurfday, the day of the Crofs of 
 
 * The day before Good-Friday, and the great day 
 cf discipline. 
 
 the
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 
 
 the May *, and the evenings on which 
 there is dancing, forne of the women be- 
 ing fo very devout and compunctious that 
 they are more delighted with feeing ths 
 inftruments of difcipline applied than with 
 the rattling of the cabinet. Nor, confi- 
 dering the thing difpaffionately, is it to be 
 wondered at. For, figure to yourfelf this 
 difciplinant, with his grdat cap of five 
 quarters of a yard, ftarched, upright and 
 pyramidal ; his hood covering the face as 
 well as head, with the eye-holes neatly 
 ftitched, and terminating in a point below 
 his chin like the wattle of a turkey-cock ; 
 with his white waiftcoat of flrong linen 
 nicely fmoothed, fitted to the fhape, and 
 buttoning very tight over the bread, by 
 which two pieces of dry, firm, elevated 
 flefli, mew themfelves out of the two large 
 holes cut in the back of the waiflcoat, di-r 
 vided by the feam, and as they are cut in 
 an oval form and nearly in the fhape of the 
 hind-quarters of a pair of breeches, it 
 
 * The Invention of the Crofs, a feftival celebrated on 
 the third of May, in memory of St. Helena the mother 
 of Conilantine's finding the true crofs of Cbrift on that 
 day, deep in the earth on Mount Calvary, where (he 
 ere&ed a church for the prefcrvation of part of it, the 
 reft being depofited in the church of The Holy Crpfc 
 of Jerufolem at Rome. 
 
 feemt
 
 no The HISTORY of 
 
 feems no otherwife than as if the nether-* 
 cheeks were mounted to the moulders, ef- 
 pecially in thofe who are plump and Sefhy 3 
 and with his full, pompous, puffed-out 
 white fkirt or petticoat, to this be added 
 that the gallant or voluntary difciplinants 
 ufually wear white moes with black heels 
 and toes, not fo thofe of the fraternity, for 
 they are permitted no moes at all, except 
 to the Penitents of light, who are the ex- 
 empt or the emeriti of the order : then con- 
 fider that this difciplinant whom we are 
 defcribing, takes out his little ball of wax, 
 fluck with points of glafs, and hanging, 
 fecurely fattened, to the end of a fmalt 
 cord, which he meafures with much gravity 
 and compofure from his hand to his elbow 
 in order to have the juft length ; that he 
 takes hold, with his left hand, of the point 
 of his hood hanging below his chin ; that 
 he fixes his right elbow to the hip of the 
 fame fide (unlefs indeed he be left-handed, 
 and then, it is neceflary to obferve, all thefe 
 poftures will be directly contrary) that 
 without moving the elbow, and playing 
 only the lower half of his right arm, hs 
 begins to work himfelf with this ball, 
 fwinging it on one fide and the other, 
 knowing certainly that in this manner it 
 
 will
 
 FRIAR GERUND. in 
 
 will fall nearly on the centrical points of the 
 two pofterior carnouties, by infallible rules 
 of anatomy left in writing by a young fur- 
 geon of Villamayor, who had been ap- 
 prentice to another at Villarramicl : finally, 
 let it be obferved how the blood begins to 
 ftart, fo that in fome, if not in the greater 
 part, the two moulders appear as pitchy 
 fountains, charitably oozing matter for the 
 fecurity of the feams of our borrachas or 
 leather bottles ; how it fprinkles the pet- 
 ticoat, how it flows in ftreams down its 
 folds, how it wets it, and how it fops if, 
 till it is choaked up with dull: on the legs 
 of the poor difciplinant let this objecft I 
 lay be contemplated as it deferves, and let 
 the mod envious of the glories of Campos. 
 tell me ferenely if there can be in the 
 world a more gallant and airy fpe&acle? If 
 there can be any refifting fuch a witch- 
 craft, and if the girls have not a good 
 tafte, who go after thefe penitents, as 
 the boys do after the giants and the lerpent 
 Tarafca * on the day of Corpus. 
 
 The figures of gigantic men and a large fcrpent 
 are carried about on this day, by way of (hewing the 
 conqucft of Chrift over the powers of earth and hell. 
 
 The Serpent is called T^rafca^ fay the etymologifts, 
 from Teptf, unde TC, T*?cif-tsv, & in plur. rst. 
 rmnjira, porttnta y mirucuia.
 
 iit The HISTORY of 
 
 The rogue of an Anthony was not ig-* 
 norant of this inclination of the girls of his* 
 town, and therefore went out as a difci- 
 plinant on Maunday-Thurfday, as we have 
 already faid. At a league's diftance he might 
 have been known by Catania Rebollo( which 
 was the name of his fweet-heart, neigh- 
 bour, and old-fchool-fellow) becaufe that, 
 befides that there was no other cap in the 
 whole proceffion fo fpruce or fo ftifF- {land- 
 ing as his j he wore as a mark, a black 
 girdle, which fhe herfelf had given him 
 upon his taking leave on St. Luke's day to 
 go toVillagarcia. She never took br eyes oft" 
 from him during the whole folemnity, and 
 he, who knew it well, took great pain?, 
 what with eroding his arms, bending his 
 body, and ftretching his fhoulders, to 
 fqueeze out as much blood as he was able, 
 making her by the way, unobferved by 
 others, two little amorous obeifances with 
 his cap, which is one of the tender pafles 
 which never fails to penetrate the marri- 
 ageable girls, who are very attentive to it ; 
 and the bumkin who {hall know how to do 
 it with the moft grace may pick and chufe 
 amongft them, though at the fame time he 
 may not be the moft expert at the rural 
 games and exercifes of any in the place. 
 
 At
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 113 
 
 At length, as Anthony had made hade to 
 give himfelf a plentiful bleeding, it hap- 
 pened that he was bid to go home and take 
 care of himfelf by one of the majordomos 
 who fupervifed the proceflion, before it 
 Was over. Catania took herfelf after him, 
 and being a neighbour, followed him into 
 the houfe, where there ftood ready the 
 wine, rofemary, fait, and tew, which is 
 all the apparatus for thefe cures : they well 
 wafhed and prefled his moulders, left any- 
 particles of the glafs might remain, end 
 applied the pledgets ; after which he put ort 
 his ufual cloaths, and wrapped himfelf up 
 in his grey cloak 5 all the reft went out 
 iagain to fee the proceflion, except Catania, 
 who faid (he was tired and would ftay to 
 keep him company. What pafled between 
 thefe two is not known ; only it appears 
 by the annals of that time, that, Anthony 
 being returned to Villagarcia, a malicious 
 Xvhifper began to be circulated about the 
 place; it appears too that hrs relations in- 
 tended he fhould foon be ordained on the 
 title to the chapelry ; that he, underhand, 
 fet the girl to weaving of impediments to 
 it; and that, to make fhoft of the matter, 
 they were married : and that it might he 
 fccn with how little fear of God> and how 
 VOL. L I much
 
 i T 4 The HISTORY of 
 much wickednefs thofe evil reports had 
 run round the town, the good creature of 
 a Catania was not delivered till the com-* 
 petent and legal period. 
 
 C H A P. IV. 
 
 In 'which the pronrife Is fulfilled. 
 
 TH E aunt Catania Rebollo * then 
 brought forth a babe as fair as a 
 flower ; and his godfather was the Licen- 
 tiate Quixano de Perote, a chaplain of 
 Campazas, who formerly had a mind to 
 marry his mother, but forbore upon find- 
 ing that they were kindred in a prohibited 
 degree -)-. The godfather was very urgent 
 to have tl^e child called Perote, in memory 
 
 * In Spain women retain their maiden names after 
 .they are married. 
 
 -j But he muft have been very poor if he could not 
 afford to purchafea difpenfation. 
 
 " In Napoli, fi dice, che k aflbluzioni fon cofi a buon 
 mercato che le puttane, delle quali vene fono venti mila. 
 Allorche mi trovava cola, un uomo di bcl tempo aveva 
 infomato il malaguida ad un becco* e dopo compratonc 
 Taffoluzione dal confeflbre revereudifilmo, un fuo amico 
 gli addomando il prezzo per cui 1'aveva comprata :- 
 mene coflo, rifpofe egli, quattro ducati, c per quattro al- 
 trl fforn ottenuto una Difpenfazione per ammogliarme colla 
 " Lettere Fami^liari, 
 
 OF
 
 FRI A R GERUND. 115 
 
 or allufion to his own appellative, or place- 
 name ; for though this name is not in the 
 calendar, neither is there that of Lain, 
 Nuno, Triftan, Tello, nor Peranzules ; yet 
 it is plain that thefe were efteemed men 
 of great valour and confideration : thusfaid 
 the licentiate Quixano, alledging in fupport 
 the hiftories of Caftile j but as Anthony 
 Zotes had not read them, it made little im- 
 preffion on him ; but when the licentiate 
 happened to add, that, in the calendar, 
 neither were the names of Oliveros, Or- 
 lando* Florifmarte, nor that of Turpin* 
 and notwithftanding it did not hinder him 
 from being an archbifhop, he cried out* 
 *' Well, or who's tn afs now ! Not I ; 
 fince I know all that as perfectly as if I 
 had never fludied any thing elfe all my 
 life. "^ For indeed my uncle Anthony was 
 much verfed in the hiftory of the twelve 
 peers, which he knew by heart almoft as 
 well as the dedication of the gymnafiarc * 
 *' Let him be called Perote, and let us 
 have no more words about the matter." 
 But the parfon of the parim, who was 
 prefent, obferved, that Perote Zotes did not 
 found well, adding, not without fome fly-* 
 nefs, that Zote was confonant to Perote, and 
 that he had read fomewhere> he could not 
 I 2 tell
 
 no The HISTORY of 
 
 tell where, that this ought to be avoided 
 when we fpeak in profe. " Don't let your 
 Reverence trouble yourfelf about that," 
 faid the father of the child, " for neither 
 do Sancho Revanche, Alberto Retuerto, 
 Geromo Palomo, Antonio Bolonio, found 
 well, and yet we fee and hear nothing elfs 
 in our country. Befides that this is eafily 
 remedied by calling him Perote de Campa- 
 zas, giving him for an appellative, the 
 name of this town of ours in which he 
 was born, as was ufual formerly to do with 
 great men according to what the moft au- 
 thentic hiftories * inform us, in which we 
 find mention made of the Oliveros de Caf- 
 tilla, of Amadis of Gaul, of Arthur of 
 Algarve, and of Palmerin of Hyrcania,when 
 at the fame time it is plain that thefe were 
 
 * Notwithftanding the efforts of Cervantes it has not 
 been poflible to extirpate the rage of the lower Spanifh 
 people for romances. It is fo rooted in them, that their 
 favouiite " Hiftory of the Twelve Peers" is in fomc 
 places called the Laus perennis de las Zapateros~-\he 
 l j rayer book of the fhpe makers or mechanics. However 
 neceflitous a workman be, he will fave money to provide 
 himfetf with fo entertaining and beautiful a romance; 
 and this with others of the fame (lamp, which Anthony 
 Zotes calls the moft authentic hiftories, are read every 
 day at their idle hours, in their houfes, or at their Salt- 
 jars or funnuig-places, where, in winter time, to fave 
 fuel, which is very fcarce, thoy frequently aflemble, 
 .men, women, and children, in great numbers. 
 
 not
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 117 
 
 not their true appellatives but the names 
 of the provinces or kingdoms which gave 
 birth to thefe great knights, who after 
 having honoured them by their exploits 
 would in this manner perpetuate the me- 
 mory of their country to all poflerity. And 
 this was the cuftom not only with thofe 
 who profefTed arms, but thofe likewife who 
 were men of letters and wrote many fa- 
 mous books as the Pifcator de Sarrabal, the 
 Dios Momo, the Carantarnaula, the Laza- 
 rillo de Tonnes, the Picara Jtijtina *, and 
 many others which I have read, vvhofe 
 authors, leaving their proper appellatives, 
 took that of the places where they were 
 born in order to make them illuflrious : 
 and my heart prefages to me that this boy 
 will come to be an extraordinary man, and 
 ib at prefent let him be called Perry de 
 Campazas, till with time and age we may 
 call him full out Pcrote. 
 
 * Almanacs, Books of Jefts, and Hi (lories of arch 
 Rogues and wanton Jades in a popular ftyle The Pif- 
 cator de Sarrabal was the title of an annual publication 
 by an ancient aftrologer of Milan, and is liill continued. 
 There are likewife other Pijcaiors, as, de Andalufia, de 
 Salamanca, Sec, Thefe Pilcators contain, after tlu man- 
 ner of our Almanacs and Diaries, g>cat variety of ufe- 
 ful and entertaining matter, as Riddles, Anagrams, and 
 Conundrums, with prognostications of many rare and 
 interesting articles, as, when it will rain, unlefs it be 
 fair weather, and when a corn fiaall.moft advantageoufly 
 be cut, &c.
 
 n 8 The HISTORY of 
 
 " Not whilft I am alive," cried my aunt 
 Catania eagerly. " Perote indeed ! Pe- 
 rote founds juft for all the world like Pe~ 
 rcl, or pipkin ; and fhall the fon of my 
 bowels go about with a name like the pip- 
 kins which are tofied about the kitchen I' 1 
 " Silence, good folks ! Sew up your mouths I 
 (fuddenly exclaimed Antony Zotes) for the 
 moft ftupendous name has juft ftruck me 
 that was ever given to man born of a wo- 
 man, and which fhall be given to my little 
 one. GERUND is his name, and no other 
 name fhall he have, though the holy fa^ 
 ther of Rome mould come a fuppliant be- 
 fore me and befeech it on his very knees. 
 Firft and foremoft, becaufe Gerund is a 
 name that is fingular, new, and out-of- 
 the-way, and that is what I wifh for my 
 fon : fecondly, becaufe I remember very 
 well, that when I was a fludent with the 
 Theatines at Villagarcia, I once took fix 
 places in my clafs for a Gerund> and it is 
 my laft and final will to make the memory 
 of that exploit immortal in my family." 
 
 And Gerund, accordingly, he was nam- 
 ed, neither more or lefs ; and very early 
 did the child give great figns of what he 
 would one day be. For before it could be 
 cxpecled from his years, he could already call 
 
 his
 
 FRIAR GERUND. ii$ 
 
 call his mother a Sttt [Slut] with much 
 grace, and faid, " dorit mind zoo' [I don't 
 mind you] as natural as if he had been a 
 man grown ; infomuch that he gave great 
 diverfion to all the neighbours, who all 
 agreed that he would come to be the honour 
 of Campazas. A lay friar paffing that way 
 who was accounted a faint, becaufe he 
 thoued every body, called women, far- 
 punts, and the virgin, the jhc-lamb faid 
 that this child would hereafter be a. friar, 
 a great litterato, and a ftupendous preacher. 
 The event fulfilled the prophecy. For, as 
 to a Friar, that he was as much as any one; 
 as to a great Litterato, if it was not vere- 
 fied in his having many letters, yet as to 
 thofe he had being very fat and bulky, it 
 was completely verified ; and as to his' 
 being a ftupendous preacher, heart could 
 not wifti for more ; for this prefently be- 
 came the moft diftinguimed talent of our 
 little Gerry, as will be feen in the courfe 
 of this hiftory. 
 
 Even before he knew how to read or 
 write, he knew how to preach : for as fo 
 many friars, efpecially thofe of the begging 
 and meffenger kind, the Sabatine preachers, 
 and thofe who in time of Lent and Ad- 
 vent, went about preaching at the neigh- 
 I 4 bouring
 
 J2 o The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 bouring market-towns, called at his father's 
 houfe, and as thefe, fometimes aiked by 
 my uncle Anthony, and his good woman 
 my aunt Catania, and at other times (which 
 more frequently happened) without wait- 
 ing to be afked at all, brought out their 
 papers upon the table, and read their con- 
 tents, juit as if they had been in the pul- 
 pit, in an audible and preaching voice, our 
 youngfter took great pleafure in hearing and 
 afterwards in imitating them, imprinting 
 moft readily on his memory their greateft 
 abfurdities; infomuch that thefe abfurdities 
 only feemed retainable by him ; and that, if 
 by miracle any good thing dropped from 
 them, he had not a faculty to take it. 
 
 Upon a certain occafion there came to 
 the houfe, in the time of the harveft-queft* 
 a fmart little father, with a bit of toupet 
 on his frontifpiece, ftraiNnecked, red- 
 bearded, his habit glean, and the folds 
 handfome and regular, a neat fhoe, buck- 
 &in breeches, and a great finger of hifto- 
 rical fongs to the guitar, from whofe knee 
 Gerry would never Air, becaufe he gave 
 him fugar-plumbs. The goocj father was 
 made up of an equal mixture of the cox- 
 comb and the blockhead, and was fond of 
 relating how, when he wa.s a member of a 
 
 convent
 
 FRI AR GE RUND. 121 
 
 convent in Salamanca, his fuperior fent 
 l)itn to preach the All-Souls fermon at Ca- 
 brerizos, a village in the neighbourhood of 
 that univerfity, and how he had been ho- 
 noured by having many of the fenior fel- 
 Jows, do&ors, and profeflbrs of it for his 
 hearers, on account of the credit he had 
 got upon the occafion of a re&or of a mi- 
 nor college's having taken his degree, who 
 was already in full orders, and of whom 
 there was a public report, that after hav- 
 ing obtained the fub diaconate furreptiti- 
 oufly, he had been confined a year in the 
 ecclefiaftical prifon in his own part of the 
 country, becaufe three modeft young wo- 
 men had laid before the Signior Proviibr, 
 three contrafts of marriage made by him 
 xvith the faid young women. This affair 
 was made up as well as it could, and, be- 
 ing a lad of genius, he went to profecute 
 his fludies at Salamanca. At the taking 
 his degree, our little Father, who was his 
 countryman, made for him at his defire 
 one of the orations, which began with 
 ^Ipprebenderunt fiptem mulieres vlrum unum\ 
 afterwards he lugged in Fllii tui de longe 
 venient f JUlts tn<z de latere furgent ; nor 
 would he omit, or leave in the inkhorn as 
 v*e fay, fo opportune a text as, Generatio 
 
 retforum
 
 122 The HISTORY of 
 
 reftomm benedicetur. And though texts and 
 pafTages of Holy Scripture in fuch compo- 
 fitions, purely rhetorical and profane, are 
 as difplaced and impertinent as the verfes 
 and fables of heathen poets are when im- 
 moderately ufed in fermons ; and notwith- 
 Itanding the fpeaker of it ran fairly into the 
 excommunication fulminated by the coun- 
 cil of Trent againft the abufe of Scripture 
 by ludicrous and fatyrical application of it, 
 yet this oration had its applaufe as a won- 
 derful performance, and our faid father was 
 dubbed a man of confequence upon it. 
 
 As it was known then that he was to 
 preach the All-Souls fermon at Cabrerizos, 
 it is true enough that many of the loungers 
 of Salamanca (and there are fuch of all 
 orders and degrees) who are pleafed with 
 whatever is extraordinary, went to hear 
 him : and the good father remained ever 
 after fo fatisfied with his fermon, that he 
 frequently repeated many claufes of it m 
 all the houfes of the brethren in which he 
 was entertained. < Now hear, Gentlemen, 
 " I conjure you, how it began," faid he 
 the firft night after fupper, to Anthony 
 Zotes, his wife, and the parfon of the pa- 
 rifli, who had ftepped up to my uncle's 
 when the cloth was taken away, to pay hTs 
 
 corn-
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 123 
 
 compliments to the ftranger, and drink a 
 welcome to him, as is the cuftom in all 
 places where people are well-bred. 
 
 " Fire, fire, fire ! the houfe is on fire ! 
 " Domus mea domus oratioms vocabitur. 
 (( Now, Sexton, touch the loud-founding 
 * c bells : In cymballs berie finantibus. Do it 
 " fo ; for to toll for the dead, and to toll 
 ' for fire is the fame thing, as the judicious 
 " Picenelus remarks : Lazarus amicus nojler 
 *' dor wit. Water, Sirs, water! for the 
 " world is burning ; quis dabit capiti meo 
 " aquam ? the intcrlineal, qul erant in hoc 
 mundo-y Pagninus, et mundus eum non cog- 
 c novit. But what do I fee ! alas, Chrif- 
 * tians, the fouls of the faJthful are in- 
 " flames ! Fide Hum animce I and the vora- 
 " cious element feeds on flowing pitch ; 
 " Reqitiefcant in pace, id eft, in pice, as Va- 
 " tablus explains it. Fire of God, how it 
 * c hums ! ignis a Deo Hiatus. But now re- 
 " joice with me, for behold there defcc-nds 
 f< the Virgin del Carmen to deliver thofe 
 " who have worn her holy fcapularies ; 
 <* fcapulisfuis. Let juftice be done, fays 
 " Chrift j Mercy defend us ! fays the Vir- 
 " gin. Ave Maria." 
 
 Anthony Zotes was aftonimedj my aunt 
 CatanU drivelled with delight ; the parfon 
 
 of
 
 The HISTORY of 
 
 the parifh, who had been ordained by let- 
 ters dimiiTory from a vacant fee, and un- 
 derftood the prayers he rehearfed every day 
 as well as any nun would do, looked at 
 him with amazement, and fwore by the 
 four Holy Evangelifts, that though he 1 had 
 heard the moil famous Sabatine preachers 
 of all the country round about preach at 
 Campazas in the Holy Week, yet that none 
 of them could touch the heel of his fhoe. 
 He could never enough extol the faceti- 
 oufnefs of beginning an All-fouls fermon 
 with Fire,jire t the boufe is on fire I And then 
 what an ingenious thought was that of its 
 being the fame thing to toll for the dead 
 and to toll for fire! " Ay but, Sir," inter- 
 rupted the Father, holding him out his 
 box to take a pinch, " there is more foul 
 in that than appears at firft fight. The 
 fouls of the defundl are either in heaven, 
 or they are in hell, or they are in purga- 
 tory : for the firft, there is no occafion to 
 toll, for they want not our prayers or af- 
 Mance ; nor for the fecond neither, for 
 they will not profit them j we toll then 
 only for the third, that God may deliver 
 them from thofe flames; now this and the 
 tolling for fire why, you fee, there it all 
 goes together. Now go on, good Sir, with 
 
 your
 
 F R I A R GERUND. 125 
 
 yourobfcrvations, for they pleafe me much, 
 and I fee you are a fenfible man, and not 
 like a certain fenior in our fociety, who, 
 though he has weight in the order, and is 
 thought to have learning and understanding, 
 told me, (becaufe he has owed me a grudge 
 ever iince I refufed him my vote for being 
 fuperior of the convent,) that the fermon 
 was nothing but a heap of absurdities, and 
 fuch as were cognizable by the inquifi- 
 tion." 
 
 " We are all but men (replied the par- 
 fon) and thus we fee even thofe who profefs 
 religion are not exempt from envy. In 
 troth, I believe his Reverence, this ftnior, 
 never in his life hit upon fo clever a thing 
 as that of Water, water, for the houfe is on 
 Jjre -, fmce, after having tolled the bells for 
 fire, it came in excellently pat to call for 
 water." " Add to this, Sir, (faid the Fa- 
 ther) that here too, allufion is made to holy 
 water, which, as you know is one of the 
 mofl: powerful affiftances fo the poor fouls 
 in purgatory." " That is clear (anfwered 
 the paribn) becaufe fire is extinguished by 
 water, and fo I explain it in the mafs to my 
 parimioners," " Ay, Sir, (faid my aunt 
 Catania briilcy) and ever iince I heard your 
 worship preach, I take care to JMuifb my 
 
 mpther's
 
 The HIST OR Y of 
 
 mother's grave well with it ; for they fay 
 that every drop of holy water that falls 
 upon it, puts out a drop of the fire of pul- 
 gatory" " What I moil admire (continues 
 the parfon) is, the propriety of the* texts ; 
 for it feems no otherwife than as if your 
 paternity carried them in your fleeve, and 
 when you fpeak of water, directly took out 
 a text that fpeaks of water ; when of a 
 houfe, of a houfe ; and when of the world , 
 of the world ; all fo clear, that any one 
 might understand them though he had ne- 
 ver ftudied Latin.*' That is the nicety of 
 it (anfwered the Father) : but I will lay a 
 wager you don't know why I brought in 
 the text of Lazarus amictis nojler dormit, 
 when I faid that to toll for the dead, and 
 to toll for fire was the fame thing." " I 
 confefs, I did not understand it (faid the 
 honeft parfon) and though it feemed to me 
 befide the purpofe, yet as I fee the great 
 genius of your paternity,. I attributed 
 it to my ignorance, and immediately fup-. 
 pofed it muft undoubtedly conceal fome 
 great myftery/' And fo it did to bs fure 
 (proceeded the Father ;) for, pray tell me* 
 when Chrift raifed Lazarus, was not he 
 dead? So fays St. Auguflin/Lyra, Car^ 
 tagena, and many others j and there is no 
 7 doubt
 
 FRI AR G Ell UN P. 127 
 
 doubt but that this is the moft the probable 
 fenfe ; becaufe though the text fays he flept, 
 dormit, it is becaufe death is called fleep, 
 as is learnedly obferved by the moft wile, 
 Idiota. Well now, I having talked of toll- 
 ing for the dead, it came in moft charm- 
 ingly, like a pearl, as we fay, to fct a dead 
 man before you. And why mould I chufe 
 Lazarus rather than any other ? Here again 
 is the nicety of it 5 for the majordomo of 
 the Fraternity of All-fouls at Cabrerizos 
 was called Lazarus, and was a great friend 
 to our convent, to which he fent every 
 year in charity, a lamb and a couple of gal- 
 lons of wine ; for that reafon I faid Laza-* 
 rus arnicus nojler \ and at hearing it the Al- 
 calde, the Regidor, and the Notary, who 
 were fitting on the juftice-feat, nodded 
 their heads and looked much at one an- 
 other. The parfon could not contain himfelf, 
 but riling from his feat, and throwing his 
 arms round the father's neck, faid almoft 
 weeping with joy, " Father, Father, your 
 paternity is a very devil !" And Catania 
 added, Blefied are the wombs which bear 
 fuch fons !" 
 
 Little Gerry was very attentive to all 
 this, and never took his eyes off the 
 preacher. Bilt as the conversation grew 
 
 long,
 
 J2 8 The HISrORY of 
 
 Jong, and it was fomewhat late, he became 
 fleepy and fell a-crying. His mother put 
 him to bed ; and in the morning, (as he 
 had flept with the fluff he had heard from 
 the father in his head) as foon as his eyes 
 were open he got upon his legs in his little 
 fhirt upon the bed, and began preaching 
 the over-night's fermon with much grace, 
 but over and over, without connection, be- 
 ginning, or end, repeating only the words 
 moft eafy, to be pronounced by his tender 
 tongue, in his own manner, as, jirc, wa- 
 ter, bennsy feyfon, unken Nazarus, Vatab- 
 nus, 6cc. becaufe he had not yet power to 
 pronounce the /. Anthony Zotes and his 
 wife were fwallowed up in rapture, gave 
 him a thoufand kifles on his divine little 
 mouth, awakened the collegiate father, 
 fent down directly to his houfc to call the 
 parfon, and bid the child repeat the fer- 
 mon before them, which he did with fo 
 muchfpirit and freedom, that the parfon 
 gave him a farthing to buy nuts, the father 
 fix carraway comfits, and his mother a bit 
 .of plumb-cake which ihe had brought 
 from a pilgrimage *: and the pious foul of 
 
 * Pilgrimages, though mr.cle from pious motives, to 
 vifit the_ irrr^e of a particular i.'mt, make offerings to 
 it, and implore the intercefiion 01 lum it reprefents, are 
 generally attended \vkL *!: Lniuflante? of a very tliiicrcftt
 
 FlilAR GERUND. 129 
 
 a Catania relating the prophefy of the 
 blefled lay-brother fo fhe always called 
 him they all agreed that this child was 
 appointed to be a great preacher; and that 
 it was neceflary without lofs of time to fend 
 him to fchool to Villaornate, where there 
 was a very famous mafter. 
 
 CHAP. V. 
 
 Of the abfurdities which he learned in tie 
 fcbool of 
 
 THIS mafter was a lame man ; having 
 broken one of his legs when he was 
 ten years old by a fall in climbing after a 
 bird's neft. He had be^n fcholar to a fa- 
 mous mafter in Leon, who at one flriking 
 could make a bird, at another a canopy, and 
 witH an A or an M at the beginning of a 
 page filled all the firft line with flourishes. 
 lie wrote pieces which he dedicated to 
 great perfonages, who generally paid him 
 well, and though for this he got the name 
 of the mafter IJunt penny, he was not dif- 
 turbcd by thefneerers, nor hindered by them 
 from paying his ridiculous court. Above 
 
 complexion j as appears from the common proverb, 
 that ** In even a Ihort pilgrimage there is much win* 
 and little wax"- -much jollity, and little devotion. 
 
 VOL. I. K all,
 
 , 3 o The HIS TORY of 
 
 all, he was eminent for designing thofe 
 pieces of what we call fmoaky letters, 
 from their being extravagantly be-ftouriJth- 
 ed ; and in truth he would paint you a 
 motet with letters fo fmoaky, that if they 
 fhould come near the flame -of a candle 
 they would catch fire. Of this illuftrious 
 mafter had the cripple of Villaornate been 
 a fcholar ; and there was a report that he 
 proved at leaft as tip-top a flourimer as his- 
 mailer himfelf. 
 
 It being an agreed thing that your lame; 
 folk are generally, from their more feden- 
 tary lives, learned and knowing folk, the 
 Dot-and-go-one of whom we are fpeaking 
 v did not difgrace the maxim, though it 
 inuft be confeffed he was fomewhat bf a 
 coxcomical and eccentric turn. As he 
 proved fo excellent a penman, he immedi- 
 ately thought of turning it to the beft ac-. 
 count by becoming a fchool- mafter; and to 
 put the finifhing ilroke to his acquiring a 
 freedom of hand, he hired himfelf for two* 
 or three years as writer to the notary of 
 St. Millan, who was a curious man, and 
 had a parcel of books, all in our own lan- 
 guage, fome good and fome good-for-no- 
 thing. Amongft thefe were three little 
 books of orthography, whofe authors fol- 
 4 lowed
 
 FRIAR GERUND. t 3 i 
 
 Jbwed very different and oppofite courfes ; 
 the one infilling that a ftrid: regard fl^ouli 
 be paid to the etymology or derivation of 
 words \ the other that we mould write ex- 
 aclly as we pronounce j and the third that 
 all was to be fubmitted to cuftom. Each 
 one brought out into the field, ran!: and 
 file, his arguments, proofs, examples, add 
 authorities, citing 'academies, dictionaries, 
 lexicons, ex omni lingua, tribu, fofuk, ft 
 nations ; each one maintained his preten- 
 fions with fuch obflinate valour as if upon 
 this point depended the prefervation and 
 elfence, or the univerfal ruin and deflrudfticn, 
 of the whole literary world. In one article 
 they all agreed that orthography was the 
 true c/avis fcientiarum, the foundation of 
 all good knowledge, the principal door to 
 the temple of Minerva, and that if any one 
 entered into it without being a good ortho- 
 grapher, he entered by a falfe door, fince 
 there was not in the world a more lament- 
 able thing than that they mould be called wri- 
 ters who did not know how to write. Upon 
 this ground did each author lay about 
 him, and make the devil of a duft in defence 
 of his o\yn particular opinion. As to the 
 Etymologift, his very heart was riven with 
 grief at feeing innumerable Spaniards write 
 K 2 /-
 
 132 The HISTORY of 
 
 Efpana [Spain] without an H, in extreme 
 derogation to the honour of their own 
 country, this name being derived from 
 Hifpania, and that from Hifpaan, the hero 
 who performed fo many valorous exploits 
 in the chace of conies, whence the 
 whole country, remarkable for its num- 
 ber of conies, came in the Punic tongue 
 to be called Hifpania. Or if you will 
 have it derived from Hejpervs, it has a 
 flill more noble origin, fince it comes 
 from no other than the bright evening-ftar, 
 who is lord of the bedchamber to the fun, 
 and gives him his night-cap when he goes 
 to bed, which, as it is very plain to be feen, 
 he always does in the celeflial territory of 
 our beloved country : to take from it the H 
 with facrilegious impiety, is to obfcure all 
 the fplendor of its illuflrious defcent. And 
 are they who do this to be called Spaniards ! 
 O indignity ! O indecorum ! 
 
 But where he loft all the ftirrups of his 
 patience and his reafon too, was, in the 
 bile and barbarous, the fcandalous cuftom, 
 or corruption rather, of fubftituting the 
 Greek T, as the conjunction and in the 
 place of the Latin /, which, befides be- 
 ing more neat and trim, has more affinity 
 with the ft of the fame language from 
 
 whick
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 133 
 
 which we take our /. The T moreover, 
 has a moft grofs and ruftic form, fince 
 it refembles the great fork with which 
 clowns load hay upon their carts, and was 
 it for no other than this moft weighty rea- 
 fon, it ought to be banilhed from all po- 
 liflied and elegant writing. " Therefore 
 (faid this Etymologift) when I fee people 
 write y Peter, y James, y John, inftead of 
 * Peter, /James, /John, my bowels ?~earn, 
 I become Tbnd, and cannot refrain from 
 helping between my teeth, 2"okes and 
 Sellings be your portion ! And on the con- 
 trary I think I can never fufHciently biefs 
 the mod celebrated authors who know 
 what is their true conjunction, and amcngft 
 others the two profeflbrs cf famous uni- 
 verfities, both the immortal honour of pre- 
 fent, and the envy of future times, who 
 in their two moft important treatifes on 
 orthography, have laboured to reftore the 
 Latin / to the throne of his anceftors with 
 glorious zeal ; for which I do fay and will fay 
 a thouiand times that amongft ill the blclT- 
 ed they are rnoft blefTed." 
 
 He was not fallen lliort of by the ether 
 author, who, del piling etymology and de- 
 rivation, maintained that in living lan- 
 guages, we ought to write as we fpeak, 
 K 3 with-
 
 i 3 4 The HISTORY of 
 
 without a fingle letter's being taken away, 
 that was, or being added that was not s 
 pronounced. It was pleaiant to fee how 
 he warmed, how he mounted, how he 
 grew infuriate, agamft the introduction of 
 fo many bh, nn, Js> and other impertinent 
 letters which are not founded in our pro- 
 nunciation. " In the name of God and 
 the king !~faid this chap, who could be 
 no other than a Portugueze by his fvvag- 
 gering and arrogance if we pronounce 
 onour, our,, eir, erbs, without this afpira- 
 tion, or perfpiration, that there is fuch a 
 fufs about, why are we to flick to thefe 
 words the uncalled-for, intruding h, which 
 is as much a letter as it is a fool's 
 head, and but a note or.afpirative point ? 
 Then as to the nn, fs, pp, and other dou- 
 ble letters which we wade in the moft 
 miferable manner in the world if pafion 
 iounds the fame with one s as with two, 
 and inocent as well wjth a fingle as a dou- 
 ble n, vt quid per ditio b&c? What is this 
 but to wafte ink, paper, and time, againft 
 all the rules of good economy ? I fay no- 
 thing of the prodigality with which we 
 iquander away a prodigious flock of V a 
 which, though they are of no fervice to 
 us, might be of great afliftance to many a 
 poor nation, which has fcardely got an u 
 
 to
 
 FRJAR GERUND. 135 
 
 to its mouth j as for example ; queftion 
 quality, quarter, and indeed all the words 
 beginning with this letter, which compre- 
 hends in itfelf the pronunciation of the- 
 u j they may therefore be written, qejlion, 
 qality, qarter, Sec. and a great ft ore of us 
 hid up againft a time of need." 
 
 On the contrary the orthographift who 
 held cuftom to be the guide and diredtrefs 
 in this matter delivered hirnfelf very firh- 
 ply and unaffectedly, and laughing at thofe 
 who confumed their natural heat on fuch 
 trifles, faid, that to write as our grand- 
 fires had written was a fufficient rule; ef- 
 pecially as in this affair of orthography as 
 yet there were but few certain and gene- 
 rally-admitted principles eftablifhed, and 
 that in the reft every one framed thofe> 
 which his fancy fuggefted. Matter Mar- 
 tin (fo was our hopping pedagogue call- 
 ed, and fometimcs Maimed Martin) Mailer 
 Martin, who, as we have hinted, was ra- 
 ther inclined to follow an eccentric rhumb, 
 read all the three treatifes ; and as he faw 
 that the thing was for the moft part arbi- 
 trary, and that every one walked in the 
 paths of his own heart, a moft ftrange idea 
 took pofleffion of his imagination. It 
 feemed to him that he had as good preten- 
 K 4 fions
 
 I 3 6 The HISTORY of 
 
 fions to be the inventor, founder, and patri- 
 arch of a new fyftem of orthography, as any 
 jacknnapes of them all; and his vanity 
 even flattered him that he might perhaps 
 come out with one, till then never beard 
 or thought of, which mould be more juft 
 and rational than any hitherto difcovered ; 
 figuring to himfelf, that, if he mould hap- 
 pily effect this, he {Lould be the moil fa-r 
 mous mailer that had ever been in the 
 world from the foundation of fchools tq 
 the inflitution of E/cu/apiuJt's*, indufroe. 
 
 Full of this idea he began thus to reafon 
 with himfelf: " God defend me! Are 
 not words the 'images of our conceptions, 
 and were not letters invented to reprefent 
 words, by which, when all is faid and 
 done, do not they alfo corne to be repre- 
 fentatives of conceptions ? Well now, 
 thofe letters which fliall beft reprefent 
 what is conceived, mufl of courfe be the 
 moft proper and adequate j and thus, when 
 I conceive a fmall thing, muft I not write 
 it with a fmall letter,' and a great concep- 
 tion with a great letter ? For inftance, can 
 any thing be more impertinent than, fpeak r 
 ing of of a Leg of Beef, to write it with 
 
 * A corruption froni Efcuelas pias, fchools of chari- 
 table .foundation.
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 137 
 
 gn / as fmall as if I was fpeaking of the /eg 
 of a /ark ; or when treating of a Mountain, 
 to make ufe of fuch a little fcoundrel m as 
 if I was talking of a ;;;oufe ? This is not 
 to be borne, and has been a mod grofs and 
 fatal inadvertency in all who hitherto have 
 written. A pleafant thing indeed, or to 
 fpeak properly, moft ridiculous, to equal 
 Zaccheus in the Z with Zabulon and with 
 Zorababel ! The firft, it is plain from 
 fcripture, was a little tiny fellow, almoft 
 a dwarf, and the two others any perfon of 
 judgment conceives to be at Icaft as great 
 and corpulent as the '^iggefl giant on the 
 day of Corpus. And to think that they 
 idid not fill as much fpace of air as they nil 
 of the mouth, proportion fervata, is an 
 idle flory. Now behold, let saccheus and 
 Zabulon go forth on paper, and being or 
 having been fo unequal in their bulk, is it 
 juft, is it reafonable, they appear equal in 
 the writing ! It can never be ; 'tis mod 
 highly ridiculous. Item, if one is fpeaking 
 of a man in whom all things were great, 
 as if one fliould fay a St. Auguftin, fetting 
 forth his Talents, his Genius, his Com- 
 prehenfion, muft we write and paint upon 
 paper the(e gigantic endowments with let r 
 ters as minute and indivifible as if we were 
 
 fpeaking
 
 138 The HISTORY of 
 
 fpeaking by comparifon of thofe of the au- 
 thor of The Epjc poem on the life of Sf. An- 
 thony, and others of the fame ftamp ? This 
 would be not only ridiculous, but 'highly 
 offenfive to the greatnefs of an holy father 
 of fuch magnitude. Befides, what fkill can 
 be greater than to enable any reader, with 
 only opening the book, and before he reads 
 a word of it, to know by the fize and mul- 
 titude of the great letters that Grand, Mag- 
 nificent, and Huge Matter is contained 
 therein ; and on the contrary, in feeing 
 that all the letters are of regular and even 
 fhture, except here and there one, which 
 by its particular make over-tops the reft, 
 like a few fmaH enfigns in a proceflion, he 
 may immediately fliut the book and not 
 lofe his time in reading it, knowing at one 
 caft of his eye that it treats only of very or- 
 dinary and common things ? I will ex- 
 plain this in an example from a ftupendous 
 fermon preached upon this very Saint, the 
 beft I ever heard, or expect to hear, in all the 
 days of my life. The preacher was putting 
 a queftion to be refolvcd by himfelf 
 why St. Auguftin was called he Great Fa- 
 ther of the Church, and no other holy father 
 or doclor of it had this Epiteft (fo maimed 
 Martin called it) and anfwered 
 
 '" Becaufe
 
 FRIAR. GERUND. 139 
 
 " Becaufe my Auguftin was not only the 
 Great Father, but the Great Mother, and 
 the Grandfather of the Church. Great 
 Father, becaufe before his converfion He 
 had many fons, though no more than one 
 of them was gained. Great- Mother, be- 
 caufe He conceived and brought forth 
 many books. Grandfather, becaufe He 
 begot the Hermits of St. Auguftin, and 
 the Hermits of St. Auguftin afterwards be- 
 got all the Mendicant Fraternities, who 
 follow His holy rules and courfes, and who 
 are all Grand-daughters of the Great Au- 
 guftin. And let the Judicious Hearer ob- 
 ferve by the way that the Courfes deftroy 
 the Maternity, and the Courfes were what 
 fecured the Paternity of my Great Father. 
 MAGNUS PARENS." 
 
 " This piece of a fermon -that I heard 
 with thefe very ears, which the earth has 
 to fwallow, and a poor ignorant crazy 
 wretch, though he had the credit of being 
 a fcholar and a man of judgment, treated 
 as filthy, flinking, ftupid, and worthy of 
 iirej but to me it appeared, and does ftill 
 at this day appear, the greateft thing in the 
 world I fay that this piece of a fermon, 
 written as it is written, that is, with capi- 
 tal and majeftic letters in all that relates to 
 
 St.
 
 1 40 The HISTORY of 
 
 St. Auguftin, calls at firft fight the atten- 
 tion of the reader, who feeing it mint treat 
 of grand affairs, and not able to contain 
 himfelf, is carried by an irrefiftible pro- 
 penfity, regardlefs of confequences, to read 
 it : whereas on the contrary, had it been 
 written with ordinary letters, he would 
 have very (lightly regarded it, and perhaps 
 returned it to its melf without reading a 
 fingle word. So that the advantages of my 
 orthography will be, in the firft place, the 
 fuitablenefs of the letters to the concep- 
 tions which they reprefent; fecondly, the 
 preferving of decorum towards the perfon- 
 ages who are treated of; thirdly, a power- 
 ful excitement of the attention of the 
 reader; and in the fourth place I may add, 
 an encreafe of beauty to the writing itfelf ; 
 fmce capital letters are upon paper what 
 large trees are in a garden, which at once 
 both dignify and adorn it, and immediately 
 give all beholders to underftand that this is 
 the garden of a man of affluence and tafte; 
 whiltl: a book all of equal and fmall letters 
 looks at beft.but as a mere kitchen-garden, 
 fit only to lie behind a convent of friars, or 
 furnifh cabbages for the market." 
 
 With thefe wife and weighty confidera- 
 tions the extravagant Matter Martin became 
 
 fo
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 141 
 
 fo enamoured of his new orthography, that 
 he refolved to profecute, and to teach it. 
 And the fchool of Villaornate being then 
 vacant, by the promotion of the late maf- 
 ter to the Notaryship of Cojezes, he ftood 
 candidate for it, and got it with a wet fin- 
 ger, for his fame was already fpread abroad 
 by the clients who flocked to the Notary 
 with whom he lived at St. M it Ian. From 
 the report of fo ftnpendous a matter, chil- 
 dren tumbled in from all parts of the neigh- 
 bourhood as thick as hops ; and Anthony 
 Zotes and his wife refolved to fend Gerry 
 thither, that his aptitude for learning might 
 be properly cultivated. Mailer M jrtin re- 
 ceived him with much endearment, and im- 
 diately began to diftinguifh him from a- 
 mongft the reft of the children. He leated 
 him clofe by himfelf j cut him ftyles,or little 
 Aicks to point out his letters with ; wiped 
 his nofe; gave him nuts and the- parings of 
 his apples ; and when the child wanted to 
 go forth, being but lately acquainted with 
 breeches, and not very fkilful in the ma- 
 nagement of them, the mafter himfelf let 
 them down for him, end, tucking up his 
 fmall meafure of linen f held him out in a 
 proper pofture in the)ard 'till his little oc- 
 cafions were performed. All was net gold 
 that
 
 1.42 The HISTORY of 
 
 that glittered ; and the fly rogue knew very 
 well that his kindnefles to Gerry would 
 not be* loft* or put in a rent fack, as we fay, 
 for the good folks at home were delighted 
 beyond meafure with them j and befides 
 paying him very punctually the fix-pence a 
 month, the Saturday's cake (and what their 
 fon brought was the bed and largefl) and 
 always accompanied by a couple of turkey 
 eggs as large and fair as the ivory balls 
 uled to play with at Trucos *- befides this, 
 I fay, when they killed a hog, there were 
 three black- puddings made ftire of, with 
 a good piece of the flake* without taking 
 into the account the re6tum fluffed with 
 black-pudding, and two good yards of iau- 
 fage, which were carefully hung by as a 
 regale for the day of the Saint whofe name 
 he bore. And when Madam was brought 
 to bed fo the children called the miftrels 
 it was a known thing that the aunt Ca- 
 tania fent her a prefent of the two fatted 
 fowls of any me had in the yard, and a 
 pound of choice bifcuits, which were fent 
 for on purpofe from Villamanan. With 
 this Madam and Sir almoft vied who mould 
 make mod of Gerry, inibmuch that Madam 
 
 * A game refembling Billiards, but the balls are 
 much Jarger than thofe uled at Billiards. 
 
 cut
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 143 
 
 cut his nails every Saturday, and once a 
 fortnight difpeopled his head. 
 
 CHAP. VI. 
 
 By which the Jlfth Chapter is divided, as if 
 grows long. 
 
 NOW with this care which the mailer 
 took of Gerry, with the application 
 of the child, and with his quicknefsand good 
 parts, which he really had, he learned 
 eafilyand expeditiouQy whatever was taught 
 him. His misfortune was to fall ever into 
 the hands of flovenly and whimfical matters, 
 like the maimed Martin, who, in all the 
 faculties, taught him a thoufand follies, 
 forming him from a child to fo particular a 
 tafte for every thing that was ridiculous, 
 impertinent and extravagant, that he could 
 never leave it; and though he often met 
 with able, wife, and experienced 'men, 
 who endeavoured to open his eyes that he 
 might diflinguim good from evil (as will 
 be feen in the courfe of this punctual hif- 
 tory) it was never poffible to difmount him 
 from his hobby-horfe -fo ilrong a tincture 
 did his mind retain of the firil abfurdities. 
 
 that
 
 144 The HISTORY of 
 
 that were poured into it. Mailer Martin 
 invented every day greater and greater fol- 
 lies ; and having read in a book, intitled 
 tte Mafter of School-Mqfters, that particu- 
 lar care fhould be taken to teach children 
 their native and mother-tongue with pu- 
 rity and propriety, becaufe experience 
 (hews that the incongruity, barbarifms, 
 and folecifms, with which many natives 
 fpeak all their lives are owing to the bad 
 manner, improprieties, and wrong phra- 
 feology which flick to them in childhood- 
 he was very iludious to make them fpeak 
 the Spanim tongue well. But it happened 
 that he himfelf could not poffibly fpeak it 
 worfe than he did ; for as he was fo whim- 
 fical and flrange in his mode of conceiv- 
 ing, in like manner as he had invented a 
 moil extravagant orthography, he had alfo 
 taken it into his head that he could invent 
 a language nolefs extravagant. 
 
 Whilil he was writer to the Notary at 
 St. Milan, he had obferved in various pro- 
 cefles fuch expreffions as thefe, Mary Ga- 
 i}ilan, the fourth wifnefs, being examined, 
 &c. Ann Palomo y the eighth ivifnefs, &c. 
 this hurt him infinitely j for, faid he with- 
 in himfelf, if a maji is a vvitnefs, a woman 
 muil neceffarily be a <witne/efs, fince other- 
 wife,
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 145 
 
 tvife, the fexes are confounded, and inftead 
 of Spanifti, it feems the barbarous dialect 
 of Bifcay. Neither could he fuffer that 
 the author of " The Life and Miracles of 
 St. Catherine" mould fay, Catherine, the 
 fubjetf of our hiflory ; feeming to him that 
 Catherine and fubjecJ were falfe concord, 
 iince it amounted to the fame as to fay, Ca- 
 therine, the man of our hiflory, it being a 
 plain cafe that men only ought to be called 
 fubjetts, and women fubjettefles. But if he 
 met in a book with fuch an expreilion as, 
 She was not a common woman, but a genius 
 and an elegant writer, he totally loft his 
 patience, and faid to his fcholars, all fu- 
 rious and flaming with wrath, " Intolera- 
 ble ! What is there more to be done, but to 
 take off our beards and breeches and put 
 them upon women ! Why fliould it not be 
 faid, She 'was not a common woman, but a 
 geniufefs and an elegant writrix ?" And by 
 this fame rule he taught them that they 
 fhould never fay // alma for la alma, el aguci 
 for la agua, 6cc. where the mafculine arti- 
 cle is joined with a feminine noun to pre- 
 vent the hiatus of the open vowels j iince 
 to comply with cuftom in this particular 
 was amongft the ridicularia of the learned, 
 intolerant, and intolerable Barbadino. 
 VOL. I. L Above
 
 146 The HISTORY of 
 
 Above all he was exceedingly difturbeo* 
 at thofe words in Spanifti which begin with 
 arre *, as arrefeniirje, arremangarfe, 6cc. 
 fwearing and forfwearing that he would 
 not rdil 'till he had banifhed them from all 
 the dominions of Spain, as it was impofli- . 
 ble but that they mufl have been intro- 
 duced by feme of the carriers who con- 
 dueled the baggage of the Goths and 
 Arabs. He told the children that to fpealc 
 in this manner was ill-breeding, and to. 
 treat people like mules and afies. And to 
 this purpofe he related, that a certain reve- 
 rend father walking in the ftreets of Sala- 
 manca with a young Irifh friar as his com- 
 panion, who was lately tranfplanted, and 
 not yet well acquainted with our language, 
 met in River-ftreet with a parcel of water- 
 carriers following their loaded afles, and cry- 
 ing arre> arre. The young Irimman afked the 
 father what was the meaning of are pro- 
 nouncing the r foftly, as it iscuftomary with 
 Grangers the father anfwered him that it 
 Was intended to make the afles get on. Soon 
 after the father meets an old friend, and 
 Hood talking with him in the ftreet fo long 
 
 * The get ho of the Spaniards, or expreflion to 
 quicken the motion of their cattle ; two fyllables, and 
 the accent ftrong upon the nrfi r. 
 
 that
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 147 
 
 fhat the Irishman was out of patience, and 
 not knowing how toexprefs himfclf other- 
 \vife, he took hold of his companion's 
 fleevej and faid to him with great plea- 
 fan try, *' Are, Father, Are" which was ce- 
 lebrated throughout Salamanca with much 
 laughter. " But now (faid Mafter Martin 
 very much incenfed) whether arre goes 
 alone, or accompanied by other letters, flill 
 it is always arre t and it is always a moft 
 lhameful difcourtefy to treat rational crea- 
 tures in this manner : and therefore I give 
 you notice, (and mind you remember it!) 
 that if any of you unhandfomely arre my 
 ears, I will handfornely arre his a " and 
 lie out with it roundly. Juft at this time 
 one of the little ones, who was not yet in 
 breeches, being taken with a necefTary call, 
 fet himfelf before the matter, and making 
 the ufual fign, aflced him to go forth with 
 much innocence, but added, that he did 
 not know how to arremangarfe or tuck up 
 his coats. " Then I'll teach thee, thou 
 greateft of all rafcals," faid Martin in a 
 rage, fnatching the rod ; and, no fooner 
 faid than done, he threw back his fkirts, 
 and laid him on a found whipping, re- 
 penting between whiles, " There, there, 
 fee how you arre me again in a hurry !" 
 
 Lz All
 
 J4 8 The HISTORY of 
 
 All thefe leffons did our little Gerry take 
 admirably well; and as he likewife learned 
 in a little more than a year to read print, and 
 written hand, and law-procefles, and alfo 
 to make pot-hooks and hangers, and was 
 almoilin whole joining, the matter thought 
 it incumbent on him to cultivate him more 
 and more, teaching him all the moil ab- 
 ftrufe and recondite matters he was him- 
 felf acquainted with, and with which he 
 had (hone at more than two meetings of 
 the fraternity he belonged to, in the pre- 
 fence of fome of the clergy who were ef- 
 teemed the moft mighty moraliftsof all the 
 country; one of which, who had all Lar- 
 raga * at his fingers' ends, and was a man 
 that foared out of fight, was thunderftuck 
 and dumb-founded upon hearing him on 
 fuch an occafion. 
 
 'Now it happened, as his evil genius or 
 ill-luck were everfetting before poor Mar- 
 tin all manner of ridiculous things, and as 
 he had the knack of making whatever was 
 thereverfe appear to be fuch in his mouth, 
 tnat a Spanifh comedy, entitled, El Villano 
 Cavallero, or, The Clown turned Gentle- 
 leman, a bad copy of one written in French 
 
 * A book of moralityin which candidates for orders 
 are examined. 
 
 by
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 149 
 
 by the incomparable Moliere, with almoft 
 the fame title, fell into his hands. In this 
 comedy is a pleafant banter on thofe pe- 
 dantic pedagogues who wafte their time in 
 teaching children things impertinent and 
 ridiculous, of which the ignorance is of as 
 much importance as the knowledge ; and 
 to exemplify this a mafter is introduced to 
 the new-made gentleman to teach him how 
 the vowels and confonants are pronounced. 
 Now what does you me this maimed Mar- 
 tin, this Diable Boiteux o' my fins, but 
 learn all this pleafant paffhge by heart, and, 
 being as maimed in his noddle as he was 
 in his fupporters, understand it all with 
 the greateft ferioufnefs in the world, fi- 
 guring to himfelf what in reality was no 
 other than a mod delicate fatire as a leflbn 
 fo important, that without it there could 
 not be a fchool-m after, who, before God 
 and in confcience, ought to be one ! 
 
 One day then, having corrected the 
 tafks with more hafte than ufual, he called 
 Gerry to him, made him (land before the 
 table, rung the bell for filence, ordered all 
 the boys to be attentive, and addrefiing 
 himfelf to our youngtber faid, with great 
 gravity, " Tell me, fon, how many letters 
 are there r" " I don't know, Sir,*' an- 
 L 3 fwered
 
 1 50 The HISTORY of 
 fwered Gerry readily, " for I have not 
 counted them." " Then you are to know 
 (continued Martin) there are twenty-four, 
 And if you doubt it, count them." The child 
 counted them, and faid with intrepidity, 
 " Sir, in my book there are twenty- five." 
 " Thou art a blockhead (replied the maf- 
 ter) becaufe the two fir ft A a are but one 
 letter with a different form or figure :" he 
 faw he had hurt his beloved little* fcholar, 
 and, to reaflurehim, added, " but I don't 
 wonder that you, being but. a child, and not 
 having been above a year at fchool, fhould 
 not know the number of the letters, for 
 many men do I know who are full of grey 
 hairs, who are called mod learned, and 
 who are feen in high ports and dignities, 
 who yet do not know the letters of the al- 
 phabetbut thus goes the world !" And 
 upon faying this he drew a mod profound 
 figh. " The fault of this fatal ignorance 
 Is to be laid to the ftate and magjllracy, 
 which admit for fchcol-mafters idiots who 
 are not fit to be made altar-boys; but this 
 is not for you, nor for this place ; the time 
 will come when the king hall know what 
 jpafles. Let us go on. 
 
 " Of thefe four and twenty letters feme 
 are called confcnants, others vowels. The 
 
 vowels
 
 FRI AR G E RUND. 151 
 
 vowols are five, a, e, i, o, u ; they are 
 called vowels or bocales, becaufe they are 
 pronounced with the mouth or boca" 
 " Then perhaps, Sir, (interrupted Gerry 
 with his natural vivacity) the others are 
 
 pronounced with the ", making ufe 
 
 of a word which fet all the boys a laugh- 
 ing very heartily. Martin was a little out 
 of countenance, but taking it as a joke, he 
 contented himfelf with looking fomewhat 
 ferious, and bidding him not be fo bold, 
 but to let him go on with what he was fay- 
 ing. t( I fay then that the vowels or hoc a- 
 /?/, are called thus becaufe they are pro- 
 nounced with the mouth or boca, and pure- 
 Jy with the voice; but the confonants are 
 pronounced with the addition of vowels. 
 This is better explained by example. A 
 ths firfl vowel is pronounced by opening 
 the mouth wide, A. As foon as Gerry 
 heard this he opened his little mouth, and 
 looking round on all fides, repeated many 
 times, " a, a, a; our mafter is in the right 
 of it." Martin proceeded, " the E is pro- 
 nounced by drawing the under jaw nearer 
 to the upper one, e." " Let us fee, let 
 us fee, laid the child, " as I do now, Sir, 
 e, e, e, a, a, a, c; Jefus, what a clever 
 L 4 thing
 
 The HISTORY of 
 
 thing this is ;" " The I is pronounced by 
 bringing the jaws ftili clofer together, and 
 drawing back, equally, the extremities of 
 the mouth towards * the ears, i, i." " Stay, 
 Sir, let me fee if I do it, i, i, i." " Nei- 
 ther more nor lefs, my fon j you pronounce 
 the i to perfection. The O is formed by 
 opening the jaws, and then joining the lips 
 at their extremities, their middle parts 
 fomewhat protruded and open, of them- 
 felves forming a round thing which repre- 
 fents an o." Gerry with his ufual intrepi- 
 dity began immediately to make the expe- 
 riment, and to bawl o, o, o. The mailer 
 would know if the reft of the boys had 
 learned this moft important leffon, and or- 
 dered that they fhould all at once, in a 
 loud voice, pronounce the letters he had 
 juft explained to them. Diredly was fet 
 up a noife, confufion, and uproar, as of all 
 the internals. Some bawled a, a, a; others 
 e, c, e ; others i, i, i, and others o, o, o. 
 Martin hopped about from form to form 
 looking at fome, liftening to others, and 
 correding all ; one's jaws he opened, an- 
 other's he clofed, held together the lips of 
 a third, ftretched wide thofe of a fourth, 
 
 * The i in Spanifh is pronounced like our double ee. 
 
 and,
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 153 
 
 and, in (hort, fuch the rude noife was and 
 the wild diibrder, that, if things religious 
 may be like thefe trifling, the fchool feem- 
 ed neither more nor lefs than the choir of 
 the holy church of Toledo on the Vefpers 
 of the Expectation *. 
 
 With a head chock-full of thefe imper- 
 tinences, and mod profitably ftored with 
 folly and extravagance, reading badly, and 
 writing worfe, did our Gerund return home 
 to Campazas ; for the mafter had told his 
 parents that his confcience would not fufFer 
 him to keep him longer at fchool, as he was 
 a boy who foared out of fight, and charged 
 them not to delay putting him immediate- 
 ly to grammatical learning, for that he 
 would become the honour of the whole 
 country. Our young fcholar the very night 
 
 * " The feftival of our lady of O, in expectation of deli- 
 very, fo called from the feven preceding anthems to the 
 Magnificat beginning with O, fung feven days before t^e 
 Jjirth, O Sapient ia, c. O Adwai-.-Q Radix JeffeO 
 Clavis David- -0 Orient O Rex Gentium O Emma- 
 wW.---All thefe O's are fignificant exprefiions of the 
 vehemence with which the prophets defired the coming 
 of the Meffiah ; and to thefe O's of the patriarchs are 
 confonant the O's or defires of the Virgin---O when will 
 ihat day come~O when will that happy hour arrive,\vhen 
 I fhall fee with my eyes and hold in my arms the Son of 
 God and me! O when, O when, &c.. This feftival 
 jviis inftitmed by a bimop of Toledo." Bluteau. 
 
 he
 
 154 The HISTORY of 
 he arrived, failed not to make an oftenta* 
 tion of his abilities, and the great matters 
 he had learned at fchool, before his fa- 
 ther and mother, the parfon of the parifh, 
 and a friar vyho was upon his journey of 
 going from one convent to be fettled at 
 another, for of thefe fort of gentry the 
 houfe was fcarcely ever clear. " What 
 fhall I lay, Sir (fays Gerry to the parfon) 
 that you don't know how many letters 
 there are in the alphabet ?" The parfon 
 was furprized by a queftion he had never 
 heard made before, and anfwered, " Son, 
 I never counted them." " Then count 
 .them (proceeds the boy) and I will lay an 
 halfpenny, that even after having counted 
 ; themyou don't know how many they are." 
 The -parfon counted five and twenty, after 
 having blundered two or three times in the 
 a, b, c; and Gerry, clapping his hands 
 with great glee, and crowing, faid, " Ah, 
 ah I I have caught you ! I have won ! For 
 you reckon for two letters the two firft A a 
 which is but one letter written in different 
 manners." Then he faid to the Friar, " I 
 will lay another halfpenny that you don't 
 know how afs mould be written, whether 
 With a great A or a little one." " Son, re- 
 plied
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 155 
 
 plied the good Religious *, I have always 
 feen it written with a little one." " No 
 .Sir, no Sir, if the afs is a little tiny one 
 indeed and ftill at fchool, it is written with 
 a little a -, but if it is a great afs, fuch an 
 afs as my father, I fay, if it is fuch an afs 
 as my father has, it muft be written witli 
 a great A ; becaufe my mafter fays that 
 things are to be written as they are, and 
 upon that account that a leg of beef re- 
 quires a much larger 1 than a leg of muN 
 ton." The reafon was convincing to them 
 all, aftonifhed as well at the profound wif- 
 dom of the teacher as at the progrefs of the 
 difciple: and the good Friar cpnferTed, that 
 though he had gone through the courfes of 
 the two univerfities of Salamanca and Val- 
 ladolid, he had never heard in them any 
 thing like this; and turning to Antony 
 Zotes and his wife, aflured them with 
 much weight and confideration " The mo- 
 ney was well fpent, my good brethren, that 
 was paid to the mafter of Villaornate, and 
 you have not in the leaft to arrepentlrfe or 
 repent yourfclves of it." As foon as the 
 child heard arrepentirfe, he began fpitting 
 and fpawling in abhorrence of it, exclaim- 
 
 * When this word is ufed fubftantively it means al- 
 \vays one of the regulars or profefied, 
 
 ing,
 
 156 The HISTORY of 
 
 ing, <e Jefus, Jefus, what a vile phrafe 1 
 Arrepentirfe ! No Sir, no Sir, arrepentirje 
 is never faid, nor any thing with arre -, for 
 that my matter fays is fit only for mules 
 and afies, and not for Cbriftians, who ought 
 to fay enrepentlr enremangar, ecc." The 
 parfon was amazed, the Friar crofled him- 
 felf, the good Catania wept for joy, and 
 Anthony Zotes could not contain himfelf 
 without crying out, " O 'tis a moft fweet 
 folly !" An exprefiion with which a thing 
 never heard or feen before is extolled in 
 Campos. 
 
 As Gerry faw the applaufe with which 
 his wit was celebrated, he would not leave 
 any Hop in his intellectual organ untouch- 
 ed, and addreffing himfelf again to the 
 parfon, faid, " Sir, ailc me fomething 
 about the vowels and conforiants." The 
 parfon, who underftood not a fyllable of 
 what the child meant, anfwered, " of 
 what Bowels, fon, the bowels of a man 
 or the bowels of a woman?" " No Sir, 
 of the letters called vowels and confonants." 
 The good parfon was out of countenance, 
 and confeffed that he had never been in- 
 flructed in fuch deep things. " But I have," 
 continued the child, and direftly lugged in 
 the whole ridiculous affair, from ear to tail, 
 
 without 
 
 2
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 157 
 
 without miffing a jot, which he had heard 
 Maimed Martin defcant upon concerning 
 the vowels and confonants ; and when he 
 had done, to fee if they underftood him, 
 he faid to his mother, " Mamma, how is 
 A pronounced ?" " How mould it be pro- 
 nounced, fon, but thus, A," opening the 
 mouth ?" " No, mother ; but how is the 
 mouth opened ?" " How {hould it be 
 opened, ion, but thus, A ?" " "Tis not 
 that, Madam ; but when you open it to 
 pronounce the A, what is it that you do ?" 
 " Open it, my Ton," replied the mofl good 
 Catania. " Open it ! this is faying no- 
 thing ; you open it likewife to -pronounce 
 the E, and to pronounce the J, O, U ; but 
 you do not thus pronounce the A : look- 
 ye, Madam, to pronounce the A, we lower 
 one jaw and raife the other, in this man- 
 ner," and laying hold of his mother's jaws 
 he diftended them pretty handfomely, tell- 
 ing her that the more (he opened her mouth 
 the better would be the A flic pronouced. 
 Then he made his father pronounce the E, 
 the parfon the I, the Friar the O, and he 
 himfelf chofe, as the mod difficult of all, 
 the pronunciation of the U, charging them, 
 that they {hould all, at the fame time, pro- 
 nounce the letter fallen to their {hare, raif- 
 
 ing
 
 ij8 The HISTORY of 
 
 in thnr voices as much as they could, and 
 obferving the form of each other's mouth 
 that they might fee'the punctuality of the 
 rules which he had been taught by Mafter 
 Martin. The tone of their voices was 
 very different, my'aunt Catania having a 
 rough and mafculine, Anthony Zotes a 
 hollow and thin, the parfon a fnuffling 
 and nafal, the Friar, who had narrowly 
 miffed being vicar of the choir, a corpu- 
 lent and bell-wether, and Gerry a treble 
 and fqueaking, voice. Each began to play 
 his part, and to pronounce his letter with 
 all the noife he could make } the room was 
 tent, the houfe thundered : it was a fum- 
 mer evening, and all the neighbours were' 
 taking the air at their ftreet-doors : they 
 all ran to the horrible uproar in An- 
 thony's houfe, thinking either that it was 
 on fire, or that fome terrible misfortune 
 had happened j they entered the parlour : 
 behold the ftrange figure j hear them con- 
 tinuing their noife and ignorant of what had 
 pafTed, fuppofed they had all fuddenly run 
 mad. They were preparing to bind them, 
 hand and foot, when a thing, hardly to be 
 credited or imagined, put an inftant flop 
 to their bawling, and had well nigh turned 
 
 their
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 159 
 
 their merry mufic into a melancholy dirge. 
 As the good Catania, in herzeal to pronounce 
 an extraordinary fine A, opened her mouth 
 moft extraordinarily wide, and as bountiful 
 nature had provided her with that organ in 
 mod abundant meafure, being a woman, 
 who could at once take in a pound-pear 
 up to the root of the ftalk, it was her 
 mifhap to diflocate her jaw fo dreadfully, 
 that flie flood a fit object for the mafk of 
 a puppet-mow, all the entrance of the efo- 
 phagus being difcovered, with the fahval 
 duels, fo clear and diftindtly, that the bar- 
 ber faid he perceived even the lymphatic 
 vellels, by which the refpiration is fent 
 forth. They were all filent; they were 
 all frightened ; every diligence was ufed to 
 reftore the jaw to its place, but without 
 effe<fl, 'till it occurred to the barber to give 
 her a fudden and forcible chuck under the 
 chin, which diredtty fet it in its natural 
 pofition, though as flie was unprepared 
 for it, flie bit her tongue a little, and fpat 
 red after it. With this the performance 
 ended in laughter ; and the neighbours 
 being informed of the motive of it, they 
 were afloni(hed at the knowledge of the 
 child Gerund, and all told his father that 
 4 he
 
 160 The HISTORY of 1 
 
 he muft be fent to his ftudies, for that 
 without doubt he would come to be 3 
 bifhop. 
 
 CHAP. VII. 
 
 He Jl udies Grammar with a Domlne, whot 
 with regard to intellect, could not be mar* 
 rled to Maimed Martin without a Difpen* 
 fation. 
 
 THIS was what Anthony Zotes was 
 already thinking of; and all the 
 doubt was whether he fhould be fent to 
 Villagarcia, or to a certain place not far 
 from Campazas, where there was a Domi- 
 ne who had amazed all the country, and, 
 as fome faid, was a greater Latinift than 
 the famous Taranilla. But Madam Ca- 
 tania, infpired like a fury, protefled that 
 her fon mould fooner be thrown down the 
 well than be fent to Villagarcia, that the 
 Theatines might kill him ; for that her 
 hufband had ftill the marks of a whipping- 
 bout which they had given him only be- 
 caufe he had now and then drank two or 
 three quarts of wine more than his fto- 
 mach would bear, and ufed to divert him- 
 
 felf
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 161 
 
 fclf with the girls of the place, which were 
 all but trifling matters and things which 
 the beft of young men would do, and that 
 without fpoiling their fortune, or omitting 
 to comply with all religious duties like any 
 old and pure-blooded Chriftian. Upon 
 which, in order to content her, it was 
 finally determined to fend the boy to his 
 ftudies with the Domine; and, as an ad- 
 ditional motive, my uncle Anthony afTerted 
 with an oath, that he only had conftrued 
 the elegant dedication of his brother the 
 gymnafiarc without the lead miftake, a 
 thing, which not the greateft moralills of 
 all the defert, nor any one of all the many 
 learned and reverend brethren whom he 
 had entertained in his houfe, though fome 
 of them were Dcfiners *, had been capable 
 of doing. 
 
 As foon then as St. Luke's day arrived, 
 Anthony himfelf went with his fon to pre- 
 fent and recommend him to the Domine* 
 And for a Domine they found a tall, up- 
 
 * A Definer is a kind of Counfellor who gives advice 
 either to a Provincial concerning the bufinels of a pro- 
 vince, or to a general upon affairs relating to the whole 
 order. There is a fettled number of thefe Counfellors ; 
 the firft are called Definers-Provincial, the fecond De- 
 finers-General. *-Defmer is one who has pafled the 
 office ; and fo of ^-Provincial, &c. 
 
 VOL. I. M right,
 
 i6 The HISTORY of 
 
 light, dry, old man, with bufhy eye- broils 
 luxuriating on each other's territory, hol- 
 low eyes, a long and Roman nofe, a black 
 beard, a fonorous, grave, deliberate, and 
 impofing voice, a furious fn.urT-taker, and 
 perpetually inclofed to his heels in an old- 
 fafhioned grey cloth cloak, with a cap of 
 marked leather (Ibmething between fueh 
 an one as ties under the chin and a fcull* 
 cap) which in its primitive inftitution had 
 been black, but was now of the fame 
 Colour with the cloak. His conversion. 
 was inlaid work of Latin upoa Spanifh, 
 quoting at every turn fay ings, fentcnces, 
 hemiftics, and whole veries of the ancient 
 and modern Latin poets, orators, hiflorians-y 
 and grammarians, in fupport of any non- 
 fenfical- petition. Anthony. Zotes told him 
 that this boy was his fon, and that, a? a 
 father ought, he was defirous-of giving Ijini 
 the bed: education in his power. " Opt me 
 emwverc," interrupted the Domine dircdlly, 
 'f that is the fir it obligation .of parents, 
 maxime when God hath given them fuf- 
 ficient ability ; Plutarch fays, Nil antiqimts, 
 nil parentibus fanttius quam utfiliorum cur am 
 kabtumt, Us pr^J'ertlm quos P lulus -non omnmv 
 irife'utatosrel'qwt:' Anthony Zotes added, 
 that he had like wife ftudied hislittk matters 
 
 of
 
 FRIAR GERUND^ 163 
 
 bf grammar, and was anxious that his fon 
 fhould ftudy it " Quails pater, talis films" 
 replied the Domine, " though it was better 
 Tald by another, fpeaking of mothers and 
 'daughters. 
 
 De merttnce puta quod fit fempefJHia puta, 
 Namfequfter leviter filia matrit iter. 
 
 Which you fee, Sir, may eafily be applied 
 to fons in refpedl to their fathers j and 
 know fir, oHitrf, that thefe verfes by us 
 fcholars are called leonine; becaufe, as when 
 the lion (animal rugi&Je the philofopher 
 defines him) turns up his tail, the extre- 
 mity of it (cauda caud<z, the tail of the tail, 
 I called it in a dedication to the city of 
 Leon) falls upon the middle of the back of 
 this roaring animal, fo the tail of the verfe, 
 which is the laft word, if it were turned 
 up, would fall upon the middle of the faid 
 Verfe. Obferve it. Sir, in the hexameter; 
 puta put a, exadly fitting, and as if born 
 to go together j then in the pentameter 
 levifer, of which iter is the echo. For 
 though a modern, (quos Ncotericos dicitnus 
 c'uhiJJimiLatinontmJ chufes to fay that this 
 echo or rhime is a puerile, ridiculous, and 
 very late invention, pace tanti wri, I will 
 tell him to his face, that fo early as the 
 JV1 2 time
 
 ,64 The HISTORY of 
 
 time of Martial it was very ufual with the 
 Greeks, juxfa illud, nufquam Graecula quod 
 recantat echo. And if there were need to 
 eite Ariftotle, Euripides, Callimachus, or 
 even Gauradas himfelf, who, though he 
 may not be a^oet much known, yet has 
 his good two thoufand years of antiquity, I 
 could {hew him luce meridiana clarius whe- 
 ther this affair of the echo was or was not a 
 modern invention ; and I would firft afk him 
 if it was probable that a puerile and ridicul- 
 ous thing mould be invented by a man who 
 Was called Gaupadas. O furor ! O infania 
 Male die endi !" 
 
 " As this child, Sir," proceeded An- 
 thony Zotes, " (hews much vivacity, 
 though he is but ten years old" " l&tas 
 humanioribus literls aptiffima" (interrupted 
 the pedant) as Juftus Lipfius faid -, and ftill 
 with more elegance in another place, dc- 
 cenis Romance llnguce elementis maturatus. For 
 though there have been feen in the world 
 children at that, and even under that age, 
 who were perfect grammarians, orators, and 
 poets, quos videre fis apud Anium Viterbien- 
 Jem de pracocibus mentis partubus -, yet thefe 
 are with reafon called, monfters of nature, 
 Monjlrum borrendum, ingens. And Quintus 
 Horatius Flaccus, qutm lyricorum antiflitem 
 
 extitijje
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 165 
 
 extitiffe mortalium nemo merit inficias t was 
 not fond of thofe anticipated fruits, as it 
 feemed to him that they never came to 
 good, and therefore folemne erat illi dicere, 
 odi pnero pr<zcoces fruttus. " And the lame 
 matter of Villaornate with whom he was" 
 did the good Anthony endeavour to pro- 
 ceed, " Hold, Sir," cut him off fhort the 
 be-latinized Domine; " Sifle gradum, via- 
 tor; was this child with the lame matter of 
 Villaornate ?" " Yes, Sir,'' anfwered the 
 father, '* O fortunate natel (exclaimed the 
 moft erudiate preceptor) O child a thou- 
 fand times happy f Many famous cripples 
 did antiquity celebrate, as you may have 
 read, Sir, in the curious treatife de clattdis 
 non claudicantibus, taking the prefent for 
 the preterite, according to that rhetorical 
 figure pr <z fans pro prccterito, which we call 
 enallage ; a treatife compofed by a pre vot 
 des merchands at Lyons in France, called 
 Monfieur Pericon ; for know, Sir, by the 
 way, that in France even the Per icons * are 
 monfieurs, and may be prevots cks marc hands. 
 Immo potuis, without recurring to ancient 
 times, novij/imis his temporibus, in our own 
 days, there was in this very France a mod 
 
 * PerritO) "in Spanifti fignifies a little dog, vrhich is 
 svJbat the Domine here alludes to. 
 
 M 3 celc-
 
 The HISTORY of 
 
 celebrated cripple, called G/7 Menage, who, 
 though he was not a cripple naturafua, yet, 
 however it be,, he was a true and real crip- 
 ple, that is, a cripple realiter & a parte rei\ 
 as the philofopher elegantly explains him- 
 felfji and notwithflanding his being a crip-: 
 pie, he was a moil wile K\2in--Sapui2tiJJi- 
 mus claydorum quotquot futrunt G? enmt> as 
 Pliny the Younger faid learnedly. But, 
 meo 'uideri.y in my poor opinion, all the an- 
 cient and modern cripples were fucking 
 cripples in refpect to the cripple of Villaor- 
 nate y I fpeak intrafuos limit es t in his walk 
 pf fchoolmafter, and therefore I faid that 
 this child had been a thoufand times happy 
 in having fqch a mailer : O fortunate 
 note r 
 
 " He Is not lefs fo (proceeded Anthony 
 Zotes) in having you, Sir, for his pre- 
 ceptor." " Non laudcs Bominem in ijita.jua K 
 fauda foft mortem," ti\& theDomine gravely ^ 
 *' thefe are the words of the Holy Spirit, 
 ^ut the Heathen poet hath better faid, 
 
 Pofl fatum landare decet, dum gloria cerla." 
 
 e< Better than the Holy Spirit, Sir !" aflced 
 Anthony in a fright. " What ! are you 
 fcandalized at this, Sir," faid the Domine, 
 how often mull you have heard in the 
 
 v er y
 
 FRIAR GERUN'D. 167 
 
 very pulpit, from preachers who foar out 
 of light, Thus fays the royal prophet, thus 
 Jeremiah, thus Paul, but / fay it in an- 
 other manner ? What is this but to tell us; 
 J fay it better ? Praterquam quod I do not 
 afiert that the faying is better, but that it 
 is better faid, becaufe.the words of the 
 Holy Scripture are but little fuitable to 
 fcoiifirm the rules of grammar, verbafacrez 
 fcriptura gramnldticis exemplis eonfir-mcwdh 
 m funt idone<i:'\ - '* That I read in I 
 now not what book (faid the good An- 
 thony) when I ftiidied at Villagarcia, and 
 yet I could not help being- fcandalized at 
 it." " Ay thls{faid the Domine) the theo- 
 \ng\fa-ci\\fceiridalum pufilhrum t an offence 
 to the weak-minded ; and though they tell 
 us that fuch are not to be .dsfptfed, and in 
 this particular J think they have reafon, 
 yet they likewife fay a thoufand other 
 things very contemptible, notwithftanding 
 it is they who fay them." 
 lfi-*r I ;do not meddle with fuch deep 
 things" (iaid honeft Anthony) " and what 
 I bcteech of you, Sir, is, that you will 
 take care of my boy, for I will take care to 
 thank you as I ought, and trra*t you will 
 look to him as if you were his father." 
 <* Prima magiftrorum obligatio" , anfwered the 
 M 4 Domine,
 
 168 The HISTORY of 
 
 Domine, C( quos difdpulls parent urn loco efje 
 decet> faid Salluft to this purpofe j it is the 
 firft obligation of matters to treat their 
 fcholars as their children, for they are in 
 the place of parents. And tell me,, fon", 
 fpeaking to our little one, fomething be- 
 tween gravely and kindly, " have you yet 
 ftudied any grammatical inftitutes ?" ' No, 
 Sir," anfwered Gerry readily, as it founded 
 to him (in the language it was put) like a 
 queftion of crow quills, "No, Sir, the quills 
 I have are not crow quills, but goofe quills, 
 which my mother pulls from a great goofe 
 we have in our houfe; i'n't it fo, father?" 
 The preceptor fmiled at the qnicknefs and 
 intrepidity of the boy, and faid, non qutero 
 fl te hoc, I do not afk you that; I afk you 
 if you have any pocket, any thing yet in 
 your little budget ?' " Sir, I had a pocket 
 when I wore petticoats, but when I was 
 breeched qiy mother took it away from 
 me." " Non valeo a rifu iemperare" faid 
 the Domine, and in the midft of his great 
 gravity, burft into laughter, adding, " /*- 
 genium errando probat ; fon, what I afk you 
 is, if you have learned any thing of the Ac- 
 cidents ?" '. O, yes, Sir; I have already got 
 as far as mtifa, <z" You mould not fay 
 fo, my dear, but mufa mufa" No, Sir, 
 
 DO,
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 169 
 
 no, Sir; my Accidence does not faymuja 
 mufce, but mufa a." " Ay, ay, according 
 to that I fee that thou haft ftudied the Ac- 
 cidents of Nebrixa." ' No, Sir; in my Ac- 
 cidence there is no picture of a lizard (to 
 which the name of that grammarian has 
 fomething of a fimilar found in the Spanish) 
 but a fine bold lion; look, Sir;" (hewing 
 the lion, a device of the printer, in the 
 frontifpiece. 
 
 The candour of Gerry did not fail to be 
 well received by the rigid feverity of the 
 preceptor, who, turning to the father, faid, 
 in weighty accent, " Ecce tibifebofus, be- 
 hold here one of thofe errors, grofs as a 
 tallow candle, which I obferve in thefe Ac- 
 cidents of Nebrixa, oroflaCerda, though 
 it is that made ufe of by the fathers of the 
 company of Jefus, with whom alfo I 
 ftudied. It is certain that they are moft 
 wife men, but yet they are but men, and 
 bominum eft err are; they are fharp, they are 
 good, wits, and very lively ; but very live- 
 ly and very good was the wit of Homer, 
 and, notwithftanding, aliquando bonus dor- 
 mitat Homerus. To begin grammar with 
 Mufa, Mufce, is to begin where it mould 
 end ; capifli qua Jinis erat ; becaufe the 
 Mufes, or poetry, is the laft thing to be 
 
 taught
 
 The HISTORY of 
 
 taught to youth, and follows rhetoric. 
 This is an argument with which I havg 
 attacked many Jefuits, moft famous men, 
 and not one of them could give me an an- 
 fwer j hut how indeed mould they anfwer 
 rr>e, when there is no anfwer to be given ? 
 Deinde, as to the printing of the Ac- 
 jCidents, inflead of putting nominatrjo mufa, 
 genittoo mufa^ dativo mufa, accufatroo 
 mufam, at full length and due exten- 
 iion, to fave paper they abbreviate, no?n t 
 mufa, gen. <?, dat, <?, ate. am. And what 
 follows ? Either the poor children pro- 
 nounce thus, quod video quamjlt ridiculum^ 
 or it will be necefTary to mifpend our time 
 in teaching them to pronounce properly, &? 
 nibil eft tempore pretiojius. But where the 
 inconveniences of thefc abbreviations is pal- 
 pable fid ociilum, is, in the dictionaries, 
 whether that of Salas or of Requejo. A 
 child goes to book, exempli caufa, for the 
 Latin for mother, and inftead of meeting 
 \vith mater matris, he finds mater tris -, he 
 looks for to fend, and inftead of mitto mi- 
 tis, has mitto is ; he wants to know what 
 is for fhirt, and for fnbuculajiibucul(?> reads 
 v\\\y fubucula <z. He is minded, fuppofc, 
 like the boy they tell us of, to write his 
 mother, a Latin Ietter 4 to fhew her what a, 
 
 progrefs
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 171 
 
 progrefs he has made, in which he tells her 
 that he has fent her a foul fhirt to warn, 
 and brings in fuch a firing of absurdities as 
 this, mater tris, mltto is, fubucula a, ut 
 law as.-r-^uid tibi wdttur ? What do you 
 think of it, Signior Anthony Zotes ?" 
 ' What I cannot help thinking, which is, 
 that, though I had heard a thoufand things 
 of the rooft ftupendous knowledge of your 
 worfhip, arid had indeed had fome expe- 
 rience of it, but having heard you know, I 
 am quite aflonifhed, I cannot help think- 
 ing, I fay, jSir, that, upon my return home 
 I have many thanks to give to my Catania, 
 becaufe it was (he who put the fending my 
 fon to Viilagarcia out of my head, and con- 
 fequently to her, under God, it is owing 
 that he has the great happinefs of having fo 
 very learned a preceptor." With this he 
 took leave of the Domine, placed Gerry at 
 a Dame's or boarding-houfe in the town, 
 and returned to Campazas ; where, as foon 
 as he arrived, he told his wife and the par- 
 fon of the pari(h, who were ilanding wait- 
 ing for him at the door, that if Gerry had 
 been lucky in meeting with Matter Martin, 
 of Villaornate, yet that his fortune was flill 
 greater in lighting upon fuch a preceptor as 
 fjie Domine, with whom he had left
 
 172 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 whocould dumbfound the devil himfelf with 
 Latin, and that all theTheatins of Villagar- 
 cia together, did not come to the heel of the 
 fhoeof his knowledge. " Lord, Lord, it was a 
 very GabiJon ! [Babylon] More than ons 
 full hour were we at it, hand to hand ; and 
 to every word I faid, he produced, dire&ly, 
 fuch heaps of proofs and quotations, all in 
 Latin, that it feemed for all the world as 
 if he carried them in the breaft-pocket of 
 his large cloak. In fhort, the cripple of 
 Villaornate may well be the paragon of 
 what we call fchool-mafters, thole who 
 have children only under them, but in 
 the line of preceptor, the Domine of Vil- 
 lamandos is the man per cmma fecula fiecu- 
 hrum, nor, while Campos is Campos, will 
 there be one who mall eclipfe him." 
 
 In truth' the parallel could not have 
 been morejuft; for, if the moft polifhed 
 Martin had an innate propenfity to what- 
 ever is extravagant, as to the orthography 
 and propriety of the Spanifh language, the 
 Latiniffime Domine could not have a more 
 ilovenly tafte in all that pertained to La- 
 tinity, beginning with Latin orthography, 
 and ending with poetry. He certainly un- 
 derftood the writers in that language tole- 
 Tbly well, and had read many of them ? 
 S but
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 173 
 
 but he was mod pleafed with the leaft ex- 
 cellent ; and, above all, thofe were his 
 greateft favourites who were moft bombaf- 
 tical and unintelligible. He preferred the 
 affected pompofity of Ammianus and Pliny 
 the Younger, to the grave majefty of Ci- 
 cero ; the oblcurity and afperity of Valerius 
 Maximus, to the fweet elegance of Livy -, 
 the enthufiafm of Statius, to the fublime 
 and judicious elevation of Virgil j he faid 
 that Martial was infulfe, in refpeft to Ca- 
 tullus *; and that all the graces of the in- 
 imitable Horace were not worthy to unloofe 
 the (hoe-latchets of the jokes of Plautus. 
 The conceits of Seneca gave him great de- 
 light ; but what he was moft furioufly en- 
 amoured of, was, the jingling and clatter- 
 ing and rattling of the ftyle of Caffiodorus, 
 though he had never read any of it but in 
 the approbations prefixed to books, which he 
 was always eager to perufe, afTured that he 
 fhould find few but what were ornamented 
 with his moft poliihed fragments, for an 
 approbation without Cafliodore is the fame 
 (as we fay proverbially) as a fermon with- 
 out St. Auftin, and an olla podrida without 
 bacon. 
 
 * Martial was a native of Spain. 
 
 To
 
 the HISTORY of 
 
 To his tafte nothing was more grateful 
 than a book with a fonorous, pompous; 
 high-founding title, efpecially if it was 
 allegorical, and the allegory well purfued. 
 On this account he made a fupreme eftima- 
 tion of the famous work intitled,. Pentacoh- 
 tarchtts, free quinqiiaginta militum duSlor^ 
 Jiipendiis Ramirtzii de Prado conduttus, cu- 
 jus aufpiais varia in omni Uternrum dit lo- 
 ne monjlra profltgantur, abdltct panduntur, 
 latcbrcz & tenebra periiejligantur & //- 
 luftrantur; that is, " The Pentacontarch^ 
 or captain of fifty foldiers in the pay of 
 Ramirez de Prado^ under whofe aufpices 
 are put to flight various monfters in all 
 the dominions of literature, hidden things 
 laid open, and darknefles and lurking holes 
 penetrated and illuftrated." Now, though 
 there could not iri reality be a more ridi- 
 culous title, efpecially when we find that 
 after all the parade, the whole bufinefs of 
 the Signior Pentacontarch is to attack fifty 
 errors, which the good Ramirez de Prado' 
 thought he had difcovered, in various fa- 
 culties, and, notwithstanding the allegory 
 is prefently deftroyed, fmce we never heard 
 of regiments or companies of foldiers- being 
 raifed in order to give chace to monfters 
 
 and
 
 r RTAR GERUND. 
 
 and wild beafts, and much lefs that it is. 
 incumbent on the fbldiery to examine 
 dark holes and corners, performing the of- 
 fice of caudles, which are the chief foes to 
 darkneis, yet the blefled Domine did not 
 boggle at thefe minutenefles, but raviflied 
 with the ftreperofity of pentacontarch, cap- 
 tain, foldiers, and ftipendiary, told his 
 (cholara that never was there title of a book 
 like this invented, and that this was the 
 way to baptize a work with elegance and 
 fonorofity. Upon the fame principle he 
 had much favour for the Latin parentation, 
 made on the death of a certain perfonage, 
 called Fol de Cardona, a pious man and 
 hlefTed with many heavenly comforts, to 
 which were given this moft fuitable title, 
 F ollh fpirltuahs t iientro conjblatorio turgzdus, 
 acrophytio Sacrte Scripture armatus, manuque 
 Samaritani applicatus, that is, " The ipi- 
 rituai brllows, inflated by the fpirit of con- 
 folation, applied to the organ of the Holy 
 Scripture, and blowed by the Samaritan." 
 " Who has ever yet excogitated," (aid the 
 mod pedantic preceptor, ** fuch an ele- 
 gant and judicious thing ? If any thing can 
 come into competition with it, it is the 
 incomparable title of that moft eloquent 
 book, printed in Italy in tile clofe of the 
 4 laft
 
 176 The HISTORY of 
 
 laft century, with this harmonious infcrip* 
 tion, Fratrum Rofete Cruets fama fcantla re* 
 dux, buccina jubilai ultimi, Eva hyper bole a 
 frcenuntia, montium Europa cacumina fuo 
 clangor eferiens, inter colles & valles Arabia 
 refonans The declining fame of the bro- 
 thers of the red crofs recovered, the trum- 
 pet of the laft jubilee, the forerunner of 
 the hyperbolic Eve, finking with its 
 clangour the tops of the European moun- 
 tains, and refounding amongft the hills and 
 vallies of Arabia. This is to elevate and 
 furprize ; every thing elfe is but crawling 
 on the ground. The affefters indeed of 
 criticifm and polite learning have now 
 given into the cuftom of putting fuch fim- 
 ple, clear, and natural titles to books, 
 that any old woman may underftand the 
 fubjects of which they treat at the firfl 
 caft of her eye, endeavouring to perfuade 
 us that this ought to be done, and that the 
 reft is all pedantry a filthy word and of 
 very bad found,'* and in faying this the 
 Domine was poflefled by furious wrath. 
 " All the reafon they alledge for fo 
 low and vulgar a tafte, is, that neither 
 Cicero, nor Livy, nor Cornelius Nepos, 
 nor any other author of the Auguftan age 
 ever ufed founding titles, but always fimple 
 
 and
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 177 
 
 -tfncl natural ones Ciceroni's Epiftoke t Ciccra 
 de Officiis, Hiftoria Titi Livn t Annales Cor- 
 nelii ^Ttfciti and then they are for ever 
 harping itpon the age of Auguftus, the age 
 of Auguftus for ever, till they be-age and 
 be-Auguftus our . very fenfes ; as if in all 
 ages it was not a common thing to have 
 men of bad taftc, and who committed a 
 thoufand errors, as the Holy Church her- 
 felf fays expre/Hy in a prayer which begins, 
 Deus qui errantlbus, and ends, per omnia. 
 Jacula facnlorum. Let Cicero, let Titus 
 Livius, let Tacitus, and let a hundred 
 Tacitufes, a hundred Livies, and a hun- 
 dred Ciceros, fay what they will, all that 
 they ever did never came near the heel of 
 that moft ftupcndous work intitled, Amphi~ 
 theatntm fapientia eterna, folius, verte, 
 Cbrijliano-cabaliflicum, divino-magicum, nee- 
 non phyfico-chymicum, ter-tri-unum-cathob- 
 cum j tnftm8ore Henrico Conrath.* '* The 
 Amphitheatre of wifdom eternal, fole, true, 
 chriftiano-cabaliftical, divino-magical, phy- 
 fico-chymical, three-in-one Catholicon ; 
 conflrucled or fabricated by Henry Con- 
 rath. - Let them fliev/ me in all antiquity, 
 though their Auguftan age be in it, a thing 
 to equal this. I omit the beauty of the 
 VOL. I. N con-
 
 178 The HISTORY bf 
 
 concatinated adje&ives, each with its flip* 
 pery daftyle, denotative of the matters 
 .treated in the work; After having called 
 this work an Amphitheatre, what could 
 be more acute, more fuitable, or more to 
 the purpofe than to fay conftrutfed or fabri- 
 cated* and not 'written or compofed by Hen- 
 ry Conrath, purfuing the allegory to the 
 very laft morfel. If this be not elegance, 
 may I be bereft of the chrifm of true La- 
 tinity !" 
 
 CHAP.
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 179 
 
 CHAP. VIII. 
 
 eaves the fchool of the Domine, be- 
 ing become a furious Latinift* 
 
 * , i '/* * A^* ' 
 
 AFTER the Preceptor had uttered fo 
 terrible a malediction upon himfelf, 
 which, if for our fins it had been effectual, 
 would have defrauded the preceptorial La- 
 tinity of one of its moft ridiculous orna- 
 ments, he went on to inftruct his difciples 
 in the chief parts, which a good Latin 
 book comprizes. After the title of the 
 book, he told them, followed the names 
 and titles of the author; and as the ftre- 
 pitous, magnificent, and intricate refonance 
 of the title, naturally excited the curiofity 
 of the reader, fo the titles, honours, and 
 employments of the author, give all the 
 world to know at once the merit of the 
 Work. " For it is clear, feeing a book 
 compofed by a Doctor of divinity, by a 
 Regius-profeflbr, and particularly if he is a 
 fellow of a college, by an Abbot, by a 
 Prior, by a Definer ; but what if an Ex be 
 added to many of the titles, as Ex-Definer, 
 Nz Ex-
 
 i8o The HISTORY of. 
 
 Ex- Provincial, &c. and, moreover, it lf& 
 {aid that he is a Divine of the. Nunciature, 
 of the Council of the Conception, Coun- 
 fellor of the Supreme, a King's Chaplain y 
 above all, if in the titles are feen half a do- 
 zen Protos, with a. few Arches, as Proto-phy- 
 fician, Proto-philo- mathematician, Arch- 
 hiftoriographer ; it is indubitably the great- 
 eft recommendation of the work ; and any 
 one who has his understanding rightly 
 placed, and his judgment where it ftiould 
 be, wants nothing more to be perfuaded 
 that an author fo decorated cannot produce 
 a thing which is not exquiiite in its kind 7 . 
 and falls to the book with fo high a con- 
 ception of the wifdom of the author as a- 
 mazes him. Bleffings attend our country- 
 men, the Spaniards, and the Germans like- 
 \vife, who in this refpecl have fet a moft 
 laudable example to the republic of letters ; 
 fince, if they print but a pamphlet, whe- 
 ther in Latin or their own language, a fer- 
 mon, an oration, or even a moral advice, they 
 fet in the front of it all that they are, all 
 they were, and even all that they might 
 have been, that the reader may not be mif- 
 informed, but may know certainl-y who it 
 is that fpeaketh -, for what but this is meant 
 by, Paft-leclurer, olimfocius y Ex-provincial, 
 2 Secretary-
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 18-1 
 
 Secretary-general, Vifitor, and one who 
 was thoughtof for a bimop, by having been 
 mentioned in the council ? And thus it 
 ought to be ; for befides what this con- 
 duces in recommendation of the book, an- 
 other advantage is gained by it, which few 
 have worthily confidered. It is now the 
 .cnftom every where to have catalogues or 
 accounts of the writers of all nations, in 
 which it is necefTary to exprefs at lead the 
 country, the age, the pofleflion, and the 
 works which each writer has given to the 
 world. Now by this method of the writer's 
 fetting forth all his titles, and particularly 
 if he takes care to declare the .country in 
 which he was born, as many are laudably 
 accuftomed to do, that it may not be de- 
 frauded of its due honour, faying, N. N. 
 Gen rofus Valentlnus, nobilis Cafaraugujlanus, 
 danfjimus Cordubiewjis & reliqua, the induf- 
 frious compofer of fuch catalogue or ac- 
 count is fpared much trouble, enquiry, and 
 expence, becaufe, immediately upon open- 
 ing any work, he finds, before every thing 
 elfe, the life of the author written by him- 
 felf. 
 
 " And upon this principle I not only do 
 
 not condemn, but I greatly praife certain 
 
 modern writers, who, if a-good occafion of- 
 
 N 3 for.
 
 i82 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 fer, let fall, in any little -performance, an 
 information of all the other works they have 
 before publifhed, as well that the curious 
 reader may there fee them all together, as 
 to prevent any evil- minded perfon from fa- 
 thering an offspring that is not his own, 
 left we mould not be able to judge conclu- 
 fively by the difference of ftyleof a^uppo- 
 iititious child. From this moft important 
 motive was an individual notice thought re- 
 quifite to be given of all, or almoft all, the 
 productions with which hitherto the repub- 
 lic of letters hath been enriched, by a cer- 
 tain neoteric writer, a polifhed, terfe, ele- 
 gant, exaft orthcgrapher, even to prolixity, 
 even to fcrupulonty : a columbine and f&- 
 fentlne author, both in one, as to mew his 
 wifdom and his harmleiflnefs, he called him- 
 felf Fr. Columbo Serpiente, and publimed a 
 little treatife, intitkd, 'The Rout of the A- 
 Jansy againft the moft learned, moft elo- 
 quent, and moft modeft M. Soto-Marne, 
 thus I call him ; for though the king and 
 council may be of a different opinion, and 
 deny him licence to write or print any 
 thing againft that poor man, Signer Fey- 
 joo, yet we are not to be deprived of the 
 liberty of judging as we fee fit. It was 
 fufpeded and faid in a certain community, 
 
 that
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 183 
 
 that this routed or routing paper, was 
 
 written by Doctor . Now what an 
 
 atrocious injury was this fufpicion ! What 
 a public affront ! the difcourfe of three or 
 four friends in the cell of a convent ! The 
 irritated Doctor flies into a rage, fets his 
 grey-goofe lance in its red, and writes a 
 letter to a certain brother of his, who was 
 almoft lecturer, or ledturer as-it-were, of 
 the faid community, prints it, and difperfej 
 ii over Spain, that all men might know the 
 injury he had received, and the fatisfaclion 
 he had taken, which, without doubt, was 
 very great. And after having treated this Rout 
 as it dcferved, calling it The Rout of Con- 
 Jcience and Urbanity, the Rout of the Spanijh 
 Language, the Rout of Erudition, the Rout of 
 Wit, the Rout of Method, the Rout of Ortbo- 
 gragraphy \ and, in port, the Rout of all the 
 Routs followed by t he mojl noble pens in thefea 
 ofrntic-ifm and literature-, he adds, not one 
 thing is there in it 'which can be called mine : 
 neither the phrafe, nor context lire, nor tranji- 
 tionst nor the manner of conveying knowlege, 
 nor the want of elegance, nor the impropriety 
 of the words, nor the groffnefs of the raillery, 
 nor the lownefs of fome of the jfjls, nor the 
 extravagance of others, nor, to fay it in one 
 word, that total abfence of a moji fubtile 
 N 4 " Jpirif,
 
 184 The HISTORY of 
 
 Jpirit, which dijlinguijhes authors in their 
 writings, and is perceived but by tbofe under- 
 
 Jlandingsivbich have open pores. Which is the 
 fame as to fay, brother, if your friars were, 
 not of fuch clofed pores and conftipated un- 
 
 'derftandings, they might fmell at a thou- 
 land leagues diitance, that The Rout was 
 not, and could not be, my work ; becaufe 
 in all my works the phrafe is terfe and po- 
 limed, the contexture natural, the tranfi- 
 tions unforced, the manner of conveying 
 knowlege as if it came in a fedan chair, the 
 words moft proper, the raillery delicate, and 
 thejefts, inftead of low, with a heel-piece 
 above four fingers high. Though it (hould 
 be only by the orthography, any one, who 
 had not a cold might fmell, that if the 
 Rout were mine I fliould never permit it to 
 be printed as it is printed, though I mould 
 be degraded, and lofe my doctor's cap for 
 it. Would I permit that the conjunction be 
 exprefied by the Greek y, and not by the 
 Latin /'/ Would I fuffer, that in my works 
 appear de el padre, de la agua, and not with 
 the apoftrpphe, giving fo, much fait and fa- 
 vour to them, de I'agua, d' el padre! No, 
 no; 'tis to be groflly wanting in judge- 
 ment, and not to have the olfadtory faculty 
 for that rnoft fubtile fpirit which diftin- 
 
 guifhes
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 185 
 
 guifhes authors in their writings ; and he 
 who fees not that my writings are full of 
 this fpirit, can be no genuine dog ; I declare 
 him a cur. Let the peremptory proof of 
 what I fay be my productions. 
 
 " Now comes what I was telling you be- 
 fore, (continued the Domine, fpeaking to 
 his fcholars) of the care taken by writers of 
 the moft note, not only to authorize their 
 works with all their titles, but to let 
 fall in fome of them the important infor- 
 mation of all the preceding ones. And 
 not to fpeak here, proceeds our author, of 
 my Latin works, which, at the time when 
 this letter was written, it was well known, 
 might be fuch a thing as half a dozen ha- 
 rangues, and fuch another fample of de- 
 dications, of thofe I have written in Spanifi, 
 in profe and verje, fome keep clofe quarters in 
 the retirement of my cell ; others go about mo- 
 deflly cloaked in an enigma, and ornamented 
 with an anagram j and, others again, bear all 
 the train of my names, apellatives, and bells. 
 And you are to know, my fons, (here in- 
 terrupted the wag of a Domine) that as to 
 this affair of the bells, many are the authors 
 who wear them. Qftbiscajl (that is, of the 
 caft. of the /bells) are the approbation I gave 
 to afermon of the father M. - that which 
 
 I made
 
 j86 The HISTORY of 
 
 I made for thefermon of that which & 
 
 in the book of feftivah of an oration 
 
 which. I pronounced in a chapter of my or- 
 far _ _ another 'which I fpoke at the fu- 
 neral of, the book of feftivals of- 
 
 and I know not what befules. You fee here 
 a curious, individual, and minute informa- 
 tion of certain works of the greateft impor- 
 tance, which any author who would to- 
 morrow continue 'The Spanifh Library of Don 
 Nicolas Antonio, finds ready to his hand, 
 in this letter, or at leaft may know punc- 
 tually, as far up as to the year 17^0, all the 
 works published by our moft weighty writer, 
 with his names, appellative s, and bells. 
 
 *'I am well aware that fome modern cri- 
 tics turn this method into ridicule, treat- 
 'ing it as quackery and title-madnefs, with 
 other words difibnaht, offenfive, and the 
 abhorrence piarum aurium, pretending that 
 it is a vain oftentation, and wholly ufeleis 
 as to the recommendation of the work; the 
 ifcerit of which, they fay, is to be confti- 
 tuted, not by the titles of the author, but 
 by what is well or ill faid in it. They 
 bring us the example of the French and the 
 Italians, who ordinarily put no more thai} 
 the name, or at moft the profefiion of the 
 author with it, even in works moft cele-* 
 
 brated,
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 187 
 
 brated, and of the longeft breath, (a phrafc 
 I am much plcafed with) as, Hiftoria Ro- 
 mana, by M. Rollin ; Mubillsn BenedicJinus, 
 of the congregation of St. Maur de re diplo- 
 matica. Ht/ioria Ecclefiajlica, by the Abbe" 
 Fleuri, Specimen Orienfa/is Ecckfuz Anthore 
 Joan. Bapt. Salerno, Societatis Jefu. And 
 though they are pleafed to tell us that the 
 titles, as well magnificent as ridiculous, 
 which fome academies, particularly of Ita- 
 ly, have adopted, are no other than a 
 pleafant fatire upon the titles with which 
 ibme conceited authors come forth into 
 public view, and that upon this account 
 fome academies call themfelves 'The Sera- 
 fhic, the Elevated, the Inflamed, the Olym- 
 pic, the Parthenic, the Enthroned-, and o- 
 thers, on the contrary, the Qhfcurc, the 
 Barren, the Qbftinatc, the Dark, the Idle, 
 the Sleepy, the Aukward, and the Fantaf- 
 tical ; yet let thefe barbarous dedroyers of 
 laudable cuftom?, ufiiges, and rights, fay 
 what they will, thefe greateft of buffoons, 
 and indecent mockers at things the moft 
 ferious, the moft eftabliihed, and moft re- 
 ceived of grave, learned, and pious men. I 
 fhall always attach myfelf to a book whofe 
 author walks majeftically amidft his ac- 
 companiment of a dozen titles, rather than 
 
 to
 
 iS8 The HISTORY of 
 
 to another, whofe author comes forth upon 
 the public ftage as he came out of his mo- 
 ther's womb, without fo much as a rag to 
 cover his nakednefs. This might do very 
 well for a writer in the flate of innocence, 
 but we are not in that fbte now. 'The 
 Works cf Friar Luis of Granada, of the Or- 
 der of Preachers How infulfe ! fye Works 
 of Father de la Puente, of the Society of Je^ 
 jus A fit companion ! and how do we 
 know who this Friar was? And whence 
 does it appear that this Father was not per- 
 haps a bailiff of fome little convent, OP. 
 iteward of a cottage ? 
 
 And, fince we are talking of this fo- 
 ciety, I muft fay, that, though as to other 
 matters I have a great veneration for it, yet 
 in this affair of the titles of books and au- 
 thors, I cannot help being difgufted at it ; 
 thofe of the former are generally quite 
 plain and fimple, and the latter come forth 
 with hardly any covering but their fkin - 
 their name, appellative, and profeflion, 
 and now and then, their country, that 
 they may not be confounded with others 
 f the. fame name, and good night to ye. 
 Their moil grave authors, thofe of the firft 
 magnitude, feem to. ftudy to intitle their 
 "books in fuch a manner as if they were but 
 
 a Life
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 189 
 
 a Life of Lazarillo de Tormes, and to pre- 
 fent themfelves to us in no better a guife 
 than might be done by a paltry lay-brother. 
 De Religion?, famus primus, Ant bore Fran- 
 cifco Suarez Granatenfi, Societatis Jefu. De 
 Concordia Gratia & liberi arbltrii \ Authors 
 Ludovico de Molina Soc. Jefa. De Contra- 
 verjiis, T'otm i. Auth. Roberto Rellarmmo 
 Soc. Jejii. And if any one adds Prefbyter, 
 it feems to him to be as complete as pof- 
 fible. I cannot praife this method, or ra- 
 ther madnefs j and, however, they may 
 think to perfuade me that it is modefty, 
 judgment, prudence, decency, and even in 
 fome degree, greater authority and gravity, 
 yet all that dig and plough will never con- 
 vince me of it ; and thefe feem to be the 
 mod perfuafive orators hitherto difcovered. 
 For, pray tell me, are all preten lions to 
 modefty, decency, prudence and gravity, 
 given up by thofe Jefuit-authors (they are 
 not many) who give magnificent and fo- 
 norous titles to their works, fuch as 'Theo* 
 pompiiSy Ars magna lucis csf umbrcz, P bar us 
 Sciejitiarum, &c. ? And the others who 
 omit not to fay if they are, or were Doctors 
 of Divinity, ProfefTors, Rectors, 6cc. ? And 
 tell me farther, do not we fee that even 
 kings put all their titles and dominations in 
 
 their
 
 .2 9 o The HISTORY of 
 
 their royal edids, to give them more au- 
 thority j and that the fame is done by arch- 
 bifhops, bihops, provifors, and all who 
 .have any thing at all to put, though it be 
 .but titles in partibtts, or of the calendar; 
 .which give rank alone* without the charge 
 .of refidence ? The Pope, indeed, only con- 
 tents himfelf with faying, Bendiftus XIV. 
 Servus Servorum Dei t and there was an en'd 
 .of the matter ; but that is a humility for 
 the head of the church, which makes not 
 ,a confequence for others, and ought not to 
 be brought into comparifon." Thefe lafl 
 arguments, though fo ridiculous^ were of 
 great weight with our illuftrious preceptor, 
 who endeavoured to imprint them ftrongly 
 on the minds of his difciples, that they 
 might know how to chufe and eftimate 
 books properly. 
 
 From the title, both of books and their 
 authors, he paffed to the dedication. In 
 the firft place he highly extolled the ufeful 
 and polite invention of introducing this kind 
 of urbanity into the literary world ; fince, 
 befides that, fometimes a poor author, who 
 has no other income than what his pen 
 produces, may live handfomely by fuch 
 lawful and honeft means -> he is fu-rnimed 
 by it with a fair opportunity of praifing 
 
 three
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 19* 
 
 three or four friends, and making his court 
 to half a dozen great perfonages, who, if 
 they mould not be all that it is faid they arc 
 in the dedications, will at leaft know what 
 they ought to be. In the fecond place, he 
 was furioufly irritated againft the author of 
 the Qbfervationes Halenfes, and a few 
 others of the fame (lamp, who, at the in- 
 ftigation of the devil, and not having the 
 fear of God before their eyes, fay that this 
 dedicating of books is a kind of beggary, 
 Dedicatio librorum eftfpecies mendicandi-, and 
 one of them, I don't know which, goes fo 
 fo far as to aflert that the firft inventor of 
 dedications was a mendicant friar. ' Blaf- 
 phemy !!" exclaimed the Domine, " Ma- 
 lignity ! Moft fupine ignorance ! For, 
 do we not know that Cicero dedicated 
 his works to his relations and friends ? 
 And was Cicero a medicant friar ? Do we 
 not know that Virgil dedicated, or atleaft 
 intended to dedicate, his Eneid to Au- 
 guftus ? And was Publius Virgilius Maro a 
 mendicant friar ? Laftly, is it not known, 
 even by the authors of Malabar, that Ho- 
 race dedicated all he wrote to Mecenas, and 
 that hence whoever a book is dedicated to 
 is called Mecenas, Mccanati me o plurimum 
 y though his real name may be Pedro 
 
 Fer-
 
 I 9 2 the HISTORY of 
 
 Fernandez ? * And in what order of men- 
 dicant friars ranked the reverend father 
 Quintus Horatius Flaccus ? So that, my 
 fons, this cuftom of dedications is very an- 
 cient and very laudable, and practifed not 
 only by the for-god's- faking and begging 
 authors as thefe buffoons afTert, but by 
 popes, emperors and kings -, fmce we fee 
 that St. Gregory the Great dedicated his 
 book of Morals to St. Leander, archbifhop of 
 Seville ; Charles the Great compofed a trea- 
 tife againft a certain heretical eonfpiracy in 
 Greece to deftroy the holy images, and 
 dedicated it to his fecretary Enginardus ; 
 and Henry the eighth of England dedicat- 
 ed to the pope and the holy catholic 
 church, from which he afterwards feparat- 
 d, the book he wrote in defence of th 
 faith againft Luther." 
 
 " And how, Sir," afked one of the 
 boys, " are dedications to be made ?" " In 
 the eafieft manner in the world," replied 
 the preceptor, " let a certain modern'half- 
 author fay what he will, who is ever and 
 anon tranflating French trumpery, and 
 would make us believe he is fomebody, 
 only becaufe he does with the French what 
 
 * As if we fliould fay, John of Nokes, or Thomas 
 Stile. 
 
 afly
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 193 
 
 any boy in the fourth form would do with 
 the Latin ; for hitherto we have f'een no- 
 thing of his own flock but amiferaole Ac- 
 clamation of the kingdom of Navarre, on the 
 coronation of our king Ferdinand thefixth, 
 whom God preferve ; by the fame token, 
 this acclamation had its jacket well trimmed 
 by a pamphlet that came out flap upon it, 
 in titled, A Colly r mm for the /hort-Jigbted, 
 which, though many faid it did not hurt 
 the work in the lead, nor even the hem of 
 its garment j and, that after all, it was but 
 reprinting it by fcraps, and difcharging 
 with each fcrap a volley of all manner of 
 offenfive rubbifh againft the author and 
 thofe whom he had praifed j and though it 
 is likewife true 'that it was immediately 
 prohibited by the inquilition, yet, in fhort, 
 this fame pamphlet fo banged his author- 
 fliip, that it left him as black as his caf- 
 fock this worthy wight, then, towards the 
 end of a dedication he has lately made to a 
 great minifler, would perfuade us, only 
 becaufe he has taken it into his head, that 
 there is not in all the kingdom of eloquence fo 
 difficult a province as a well-written dedr- 
 catiun. 
 
 " But now I fay there is nothing more 
 eafy, provided a man is inclined to follow 
 
 VOL. I. O the
 
 1 9 4 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 the true tafle and true air of dedication^ 
 For firft of all you take of fubftantives and 
 adjectives, fonorous and metaphorical, half 
 a dozen, (or if a dozen, ftill better) which 
 are to be put in the front of the book, the- 
 fis, or print (for even prints are dedicated) 
 before the name of the Mecenas, and to be 
 fo appropriate to his character and profef- 
 fion, as if they were caft in a mould for 
 them. For example, if the dedication be 
 in Latin, and addrefTed to a bifhop, the fu- 
 perfcription, direction, or epigraph, is to 
 be in this manner, Sapienticz Oceano y Vir- 
 tutum omnium Abyflo, Charlfmatum Encyclo- 
 pedia, Prudently Miraculo, Charitatis Por- 
 tento, Miferationum "TbaumaturgOt Spira?iti 
 Polyanthetz, Elbliothecce deambulantiy Eccle- 
 Jia T^ytanl) Infularum Mitrce, Hefpericeque 
 totiusfulgentijjimo Pbofporo, HluJlriJJimo Dno 
 Dotnino meo Don Caio aut Titio. If the 
 work be dedicated to an holy image, as, we 
 may fay, to our Lady of Solitude, or oor 
 Lady of Griefs, there are a thoufand good 
 things to lay our hands upon ; as Mari A- 
 maro t Soli Bis- Soli, Or bis Or bat a Parenti, 
 Ancilliz Liberrimce abjque Libero, 'Theotccv 
 JineFiliotConJitftf nonjifte, PuerpertZyinquam, 
 . diris mucronibus confoffcejub Iconico Archeiypo 
 of fo and fo. But if the dedication be in 
 
 Spanish,
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 195 
 
 $>ani(h, and made to a military man, 
 though no more than a captain of horfe, 
 then we are to follow another courfe, and 
 before all things muft be faid, To the Spa- 
 niJJ} Xerxes, the Andahifian Alexander, the 
 B ethic Cefar, The Cyrus of Genii, the Euro- 
 pean Tamerlain, the Cis-montain Khuli-Kan^ 
 the not fabulous Mars, Donfuch an one, Cap- 
 tain of Light Horfe, infuch or fuch a regi- 
 ment and not lug in the name of the Me- 
 cenas by the head and moulders, like fome 
 ridiculous moderns, faying drily, To DGJZ 
 fuch an one, or, To the Ducbefs of fuch a 
 thing, which feems no other than the di- 
 rection of a letter to go by the poft. 
 
 " Dedications have I feen, much extolled 
 by fome poor, ignorant, credulous fouls, 
 addrefled to the very king of Spain himfelf, 
 which faid in the front only, TO THE 
 KING, in great capital letters, without 
 any other beginnings, or endings, or addi- 
 tions, or ornaments. I cannot exprefs how 
 much I was moved at it, giving me fuch a 
 naufea, that I am even now ready to reach 
 at the very thought of it. TO THE 
 KING ! But to what king, blockhead ? 
 Since we know not if it is to king Stork, 
 or king Log, or the unkinged king that 
 was fent a grazing. TO THE KING ! Can 
 O 2 there
 
 196 The HISTORY of 
 
 there be greater rudenefs ? TO THE KING ! 
 Tell me, infolent, barefaced, ram wretch, 
 is it to the king of Clubs or the king of 
 Spades ? The critics, indeed, would palrn 
 this upon us for the greater refpecl, the 
 greater veneration, and alfo more profound 
 acknowledgement, as no Spaniard can, or 
 ought to underftand by the general name 
 of King, any other than the king of Spain ; 
 and as other nations ought to underftand the 
 fame, fince there is not a king in the dif- 
 covered world who poflefTes fuch extenfive 
 dominions by many millions of leagues. 
 Trifles, mere trifles ! For this very reafon^ 
 before coming to his augufi name, mould 
 he have been fuggefted by at leaft fifty 
 titles, or allegorical infcriptions, which 
 ihould have gone on by degrees, exciting 
 expectation and aftonimment, fomewhat 
 to this effect, To the powerful Emperor of 
 two Worlds, the Emulator of the Swi, the 
 Sublunary Pbcbus in what he governs, as the 
 Celejlial in what he enlightens, the Arch- 
 Monarch of the Earth ; and afte wards, to 
 ihew his pcrfonal virtues, to add, 'The Royal 
 Depo/itory of Clemency, the Crowned Archive 
 of Jitftice, the f acred augufi freafure of 
 Piety, the, imperial Shield oj Religion, the pa- 
 cific, beneficent, magnetic, magnificent) Ca- 
 4 tholic
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 297 
 
 tbolic King of the Spains, Ferdinand the 
 Sixth, pious, happy, always Augujlus, King of 
 CajTilf, of Leon, of Navarre, of Arragon, 
 &c. and to go on, proceeding thus, to the 
 very laft of his royal titles. The other me- 
 thod is to treat the king like fome bare- 
 footed gentleman, or Don Dowlas, bring- 
 ing him out fo lonely upon the paper, as 
 if he were one of thofe ancient Majefties 
 who wandered up and down the good fields 
 of God, feeding meep, and drove the oxen 
 to water in their own royal and proper per- 
 fons. 
 
 " Neither can I relim, that after the in- 
 icription, the king mould be fpoken to 
 with (licking to him a Sir asftiff as a flake, 
 for there wants only the addition to make 
 it Dear Sir, as if it was a familiar letter 
 from a fuperior. Our forefathers were 
 more refpedful men, and truly circumfpec~t, 
 fince they never fpoke to the king without 
 beginning in this manner, May it pleafe 
 your Sacred, Catholic, Royal Majefty, a 
 thing which filled the mouth with vene- 
 ration ; and befides, made a maieftic line. 
 I have heard that the other manner of our 
 treating the king was caught, like a thou- 
 fand other things, by infedlion from the 
 French, who, when they fpeak to their 
 O moit
 
 igB The HI STOP. Y of 
 
 rnoft Chriftian king let fly a Sire at him, 
 in puris naturalibus, and away they go. The 
 deuce take you Frenchmen, how contagi^ 
 ous you are! What if they (hould take it 
 into their fantaftical heads to call their 
 queen Sirena, muft we likewife currently 
 call ours fo ? To be fure her majefty would 
 be finely flattered ! They treat their's with 
 Madame, and, truly, mould any Spaniard be 
 fo frolicfome as to treat his queen fo, I 
 would not be in his coat for fomething, un- 
 lefs indeed it fhould happen to be fome lay- 
 brother, one of thofe who are faints and 
 affectedly fimple, for fuch gentry have a 
 licence to thou the very pope and there is 
 all the beauty of their faintfhip. There- 
 fore, my fons, obferve well what has been 
 faid, and fix in your memories thefe mod 
 important lefTons. 
 
 " Never print any thing, though it mould 
 be but fome forry quodlibets or fchool- 
 queflions, without its dedication by its fide; 
 for by this you will not only lofe nothing, 
 but it will be very hard if you do not fave 
 at lead the coft of the impreffion ; fince it 
 is to be hoped that all Mecenafes are not to 
 be like that fly, niggardly pope, (God for- 
 give me) Leo the tenth, to whom a famous 
 jilchemifl dedicated a very important book,
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 199 
 
 in which, as he himfelf aflured him, were 
 contained the moft recondite fecrets of the 
 Cryfopee, that is, a very eafy method of 
 converting all the metals in the world into 
 gold; and this good Signer Pontiff (God 
 forgive me) gave him, for the whole of his 1 
 acknowledgement, a cart load of bags to 
 contain the gold which he was about to 
 make : a thing, much laughed at by evil- 
 minded perfons, but which the erudite and 
 truly learned took for a piece of pitifulnefs, 
 and bewailed with tears of indignation. 
 Your dedication once refolved upon, charge 
 it and fluff it with allegorical, fymbolical, 
 and altifonant appellations ; and, if it 
 mould be to any royal perfon, be careful to 
 treat him with due refpecT:, and that he 
 come not into public without his company 
 of guards de corps, and his band of hal- 
 berdeers, that is, of epithets well laced 
 and mounted, preceded by titles with 
 rnufiachos, who may go opening a paiTage, 
 and crying, " Clear the way." 
 
 " And though the lecture grows rather 
 long, yet, that we may conclude in it all that 
 relates to the fubftance of dedications, I will 
 inftruct you in two other points, which are cf 
 thegreateft importance. There are fome au- 
 thors who write in Latin, yet fo very Spa- 
 O 4 nifh,
 
 200 The HISTORY of 
 
 nidi, that when they come to put the true 
 titles of the perfons to whom they dedicate 
 their works, as the duke of that, and the 
 marquis of the other, &c. put them in a 
 Latin fo plain, natural, and low, that an 
 old beggar-woman can underhand them, 
 though flie can neither write nor read, 
 merely by hearing them pronounced ; for 
 in this plain way they fay, Duct de Medina* 
 Celt, Comiti de Alt amir a, Marchloni de Af- 
 ter ga, Dotnino da IGS Gamer os, Conjiliario Re- 
 gio, &c. How ridiculous ! It would be 
 better, than to fay it thus, to put it in 
 downright Dunftable. How much more 
 elegant and more Latin would it be to fay, 
 Calico- Metimnenji, Dutfori-Satraptf, a Co- 
 mitiisde Cacuminato-covfpeffiu, M<znium Af- 
 turicenfum a Markis, Leti-~F abrorum Dy- 
 nafttz, a Penetrdibus Regiis, &c. and if the 
 readers do not underfland it, let them learn 
 forne other trade, for that is no fault of the 
 writer, who, when he fets himfelf to com- 
 pofe in Latin, is not to employ a Latin that 
 may be underflood by any ReminimJJia *. 
 
 " It is another thing, indeed, when the 
 titles are not true ones, but purely allego- 
 rical or fymbojical, invented by the genius 
 
 $ A dealer in re miniena litcraria. 
 
 of
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 201 
 
 of the author ; for then, that all the grace 
 and reafjbn of the invention fliould be dif- 
 played, it is highly neceflary to give them 
 plain and fimple. I will explain myfelf by 
 an example. In the year 1704 a cer- 
 tain German author publifhed a Latin 
 work, intitled, Geograpbia Sacra feu Ecc/e- 
 fiaftica, which he dedicated to the Three 
 Sole, Sovereign, Hereditary Princes in Hea- 
 ven and on Earth, Tri&us Sumrnis atque 
 IJnJcis Principibus h&reditariis in Ctflo & in 
 Terra, that is, to Jefus Chrift, Frederic 
 Auguftus, Electoral- Prince of Saxony, and 
 Maurice William, Hereditary Prince of the 
 province of Saxe-Ceitz, Chrijlo,nempe t Fre- 
 deric o Aitgujlo Principi-JLUftorali Saxorrite, 
 & Mauritio Wilhelmo, Provinciarum Saxo- 
 Cizenfium hceredi. A great thing ! Yet 
 you are about to hear it ftill greater. Now 
 what titles (hould our incomparable author 
 invent to exprefs the flates of which Jefus 
 Chi ift is hereditary prince ? Be attentive, 
 my fons, for never in your lives, perhaps, 
 will you read a diviner thing; and as to 
 myfelf, had I been the inventor of it, I 
 would not change with Ariftotle or Plato. 
 
 " He calls Jefus Chrift, then, in clear and 
 fimple Latin, as it was neceffary he mould 
 ule on this important occafion, Imperator 
 coronatus caleftium JLwrcituwy - t eleflus Rex 
 
 Sionis,
 
 202 The HISTORY of 
 
 Sionis t femper Augujlus, C/jriJliance 
 Pont if ex Maximus, & Archi-EpiJcopus Ani- 
 marum -, Elector Veritatis, Archi-Dux Glo^ 
 rice; Dux Vita-, Princeps Pads ; EquesPor- 
 t<z Inferni ; Triumphator Mortis ; Dominus 
 beridatarius Gentium -, Dominus Jujlitice, & 
 Patris c&leftis a Sanflioribus Conjiliis, &c. 
 &c. &c. That is to fay, becaufe it is of 
 great importance, that every one fhould 
 understand it, Chrifl is The crowned Em- 
 peror of the celejlial armies, Elefted King of 
 Sion, always Auguftus, High-Priejl of the 
 Chrijlian churchy Archbifiop of Souls, Efcffor 
 of Truth, Arch-Duke of Glory, Duke of Life, 
 Prince of Peace, Knight of Hell- gates, Tri- 
 umpher over Death, hereditary Lord of Na- 
 t ions, .Lord of yujlice, and Counfellor of State 
 and of the Cabinet to his Celejlial Patjjer-. 
 And the author adds, very opportunely, 
 three &c. &c. &c's, by way of (hewing 
 that he had yet to fpare many other titles 
 which were at his fingers' ends, and which 
 he might be writing from hence to to-mor- 
 row morning, if thofe given were not fuf- 
 iicient to {hew thofe he could have added. 
 Commit this, my boys, to memory, learn 
 it well, and let it ever be at hand ; for a 
 thoufand occafions will offer to you, in 
 which you may avail yourfelves of it as a 
 
 model^
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 203 
 
 model, and by that means do a credit to 
 yourfelves and me. 
 
 "Three words only are wantingconcern- 
 ing the body and foul of the dedication. It 
 is fuppofed that the Latin is always to be 
 roaring, altifonant, intricate, and not to be 
 conftrued, neither more nor lefs than the 
 Latin of a famous dedication which fome 
 years ago Gerund Zotes's father gave me to 
 conflrue, and conftrue it I did truly with- 
 out the fmalleft error, in the prefence of all 
 the chief priefthood of St. Millan in the 
 pilgrimage of the Chriil of Villa-Quixida. 
 It is fuppofed likewife, that whoever a work 
 is dedicated to, be he who he will, is to be 
 engrafted on the flock of our moft ancient 
 king Bamba, or at leafr, on that of Don Ve- 
 remundo the deacon, whether in a right 
 or tranfverfe line, for that is of no confe- 
 quence, and it is an affair of very little 
 trouble, fince there is Jacob William Jm- 
 hoff, a Dane or Swede (I do not exactly 
 remember) the famous genealogift of the 
 illuftrious houfes of Spain and Italy, who 
 will directly make an affinity for any one 
 with whoever will turn to moft account. 
 Befides thefe fuppofitions, it is well known 
 that the beginning of every dedication 
 is always to fet forth the impuliive canfe 
 
 which
 
 204 The HISTORY of 
 
 which irrefiftibly compelled the author to 
 the liberty which he takes, which. caufe is 
 never to be any other than that of feeking a 
 powerful protector againft emulation, a 
 fhield againfl malignity, a ihade againft the 
 burning ardours of envy, afiuring him, with 
 a fteady face, that with fuch a Mecenas he 
 fears not either the Ariftarchufes or the 
 Zoilufes, fmce, terrified at his name, they 
 either will not dare to (hew their heads out 
 of their lurking holes, or if they fhould 
 have the boldnefs to do it, will become the 
 Jcarufes of their temerity, their waxen 
 wings defolving at the inflamed and fpark- 
 Jing rays of fo fulgorous and refpendent a 
 defender 5 for, in truth, let a book be de^- 
 dicated even to the moft Holy Sacrament, 
 yet if it be a bad one, there are men fo in- 
 folent and mordacious that at the fame time 
 they adore the divine object of the dedi- 
 cation, they will tear the book to matters, 
 and fometimes not leave a whole bone in 
 the dedication itfelf : and more than two 
 books in folio have I feen called in by the 
 inquifition, though dedicated to kings, to 
 emperors, and even to the very pope, with- 
 out theMecenafes being at all concerned or 
 caring a jot about the matter ; no account 
 
 beipg
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 205 
 
 being to be found in hiftory that there ever 
 was a war between Chriftian princes, in de- 
 fence of a book that had been dedicated to 
 them, though it has often raged tremend- 
 ouflyforas a weighty a concern as a feather 
 or a ftraw ; yet I fay, though the affair be 
 thus, by the juft judgments of God and for 
 the fins of the world, we ought ever to hold 
 with that proverb which fays, He that 
 leans againft a good tree, has a good (hade 
 over him ; and that at all adventures, every 
 well-written dedication (hould open with 
 this fuitable, delicate, and true thought." 
 
 CHAP,
 
 2o6 The HISTORY of 
 
 CHAP. IX. 
 
 In 'which an account is given of the jujl mo- 
 tive our Gerund had, not yet to leave his 
 grammatical Jludies, as the lajl chapter 
 promifed. 
 
 THE curious reader will doiibtlefs be 
 furprifed that as we had faid in the 
 title of the preceding chapter, that the 
 ingenious and induflrious Gerund leaves 
 the fchool, he fhould ftill be found in it, 
 receiving with attention the fkilful in- 
 ftruclions of the very learned preceptor, 
 againft the faith of hiftory, or at leaft 
 againft the inviolable fidelity of our honeft 
 word. But if he will be fo kind as to have 
 a little patience and lend a benign ear to 
 our mod weighty reafons, he may happen 
 to repent of the ra(hnefs and precipitation 
 with which he has already in the interior 
 of his heart condemned us without a 
 hearing. 
 
 Firft of all, it is an intolerable flavery, 
 not to fay a ridiculous fervility, that a poor 
 author fhould be obliged to fulfil what he 
 promifes, not only in the title of a chapter 
 
 but
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 207 
 
 but in the title of a book. What written 
 obligation docs the author give the reader 
 to oblige him to that, either in form of re- 
 cognizance or of fimple note * ? And thus 
 we fee authors of great fame put what titles 
 they pleafe to their books, though they 
 have no relation to the matter treated of 
 in them, and nobody has faid a word 
 about it, nor have they fpoiled their fortune 
 by it. For example, at reading the title 
 Margarita Antoniana, or Antoniana Mar- 
 gartfa, with which the famous Spaniard 
 Gomez Pereyra baptifed his work, who was 
 the true patriarch of the Defcartefes, the 
 Newtons, the Boyles, and the Leibnitzes, 
 who would not think that he was about to 
 entertain us with fome very curious trea- 
 tife upon that margarite or pearl, worth I 
 don't know how many thousands, in a dif- 
 iblution of which with wine or water (for 
 that point is not perfectly cleared up) Cleo- 
 patra drank Anthony's health, or of which 
 ihe made a little innocent rcpaftforhim on 
 a fad day, for it is related both ways by the 
 hiftorians ? No Sir, nothing at all like it, I 
 
 * Hence it Is to be fuppofed that the cuftom for au- 
 thors or their bookfellers to give a promiiTory note, fd 
 laudably pra&iicd in our metropolis, in the firft numbers 
 of weekly publications, does not prevail in Spain 
 
 7 allure
 
 The HISTORY of 
 
 afTure you. The Antoniana Margarita \$ 
 no other than a moft delicate treatife of 
 philofophy, to prove that the brutes have 1 
 no fenfitive foul, and to arraign on this oc- 
 cafion many other opinions of Ariftotle, 
 which for a long feries of ages were in full 
 and quiet pofTeflion of the veneration of 
 the fchools, not only as. the opinions of this 
 author, hut as indifputable principles, fo 
 indifputable, that even to doubt of them 
 would be a kind of heretical delinquency ; 
 and ncverthelefs, this crofs-grained, fubtle, 
 and litigious Gallician had the hardinefs to 
 conteil their title to this veneration, though 
 he fhould not be able to deprive them of 
 poffeffion. But why did he give his work 
 a title fo foreign to the fubject ? Why ? for 
 a reafon as pious as it was ftrong, and which 
 no one can quarrel with ; becaufe his fa- 
 ther was called Anthony and his mother 
 Margaret -, and as he had not fufficient 
 means to found an anniverfafy for their 
 fouls, he would at leaft found this dutiful 
 remembrance of them. Well then ! Let 
 them now come and upbraid me that I do 
 not fulfil what I promife in the title of a 
 chapter. 
 
 Befides this, however important the 
 chapter of a book may be, will it ever be 
 
 of
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 209 
 
 fo important as the chapter of a religious 
 community ? And yet how often do we fee 
 that the refult * of a chapter is very diffe- 
 rent from what was propofed in the be- 
 ginning? And what chapter was ever yet 
 declared null and void merely upon this ac- 
 count ? In fhort, if a poor author begins 
 to write a chapter with a good and found 
 intention of bringing it out of a proper 
 length and juft proportion, and honeftly 
 fulfill what he promifed in the beginning, 
 and afterwards a thoufand things come a- 
 crofs him which never entered his head 
 before, of which he would be much griev- 
 ed to forego the mention, is it poffible that 
 this favour may not be granted him, or this 
 weaknefs be not connived at, when in con- 
 verfations we fee at every turn things inter- 
 vene which break the thread of the prin- 
 cipal fubjecl: for an hour or two, when in- 
 ftead of our teftifying any great difguft, we 
 rather bear patiently with the adverfity and 
 with the weaknefs of our neighbour and 
 go quietly on ? Then why ihall not the 
 fame charity and the fame pity and for- 
 bearance be exercifed towards authors and 
 their books ? Befides, would it not have 
 
 * Chapters of ele&ion ; in which of courfe much po- 
 licy and ftratagem is exerted. 
 
 VOL. I. P been
 
 210 The H I S TO R Y of 
 
 been lamentable, that merely to comply 
 with what the chapter had inconfiderately 
 pro mi fed, we mould have taken our Ge- 
 rund from fchool before his time, and 
 without having heard other leflbns, not 
 lefs curious than neceffary, with which 
 his fcholars were enriched by the pedantic 
 m after ? 
 
 He told them, then, that in their Latin 
 compofitions, of whatever kind, they 
 mould guard carefully againft imitating the 
 iHle of Cicero, or any of thofe other fliles, 
 which, though proper, chafte, and ele- 
 gant, were yet fo clear and fo natural that 
 any reader, however dull, might compre- 
 hend at the firft view what they meant 
 to fay : and this for many reafons, which 
 vied with each other for powerfulnefs j 
 the firft, becaufe in holy fcripture much 
 praife is giver* to that hero, as valourous 
 as wife, who treated on the fciences mag- 
 nificently, magnified etenim fcimtiamtraffia- 
 bat ; and certainly nothing can be treat- 
 ed on magnificently when we make ufe 
 of obvious, trivial, and common words, 
 though ever fo pure and proper. The fe- 
 cond, becaufe if we do not endeavour to 
 hold faft the attention of readers and 
 hearers by obfcurity, or at lead by that 
 
 the
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 211 
 
 the meaning of the phrafe be not imme- 
 diately intelligible, experience {hews us 
 that fome will fall a-fnoring, and others be 
 thinking of things a thoufand miles off; 
 becaufe the imagination of mortals is very 
 volatile. The third ; becaufe whilft the 
 reader is taming over Dictionaries and 
 Lexicons to undcrftand a word, its figni- 
 fication remains afterwards imprefled upon 
 his memory, and together with that the 
 doctrine and thought of the author. The 
 fourth, and mod powerful of all, that 
 thofe gentlemen Grangers who are pleafed 
 to take upon them to brand the Latin of 
 the Spaniards as difordered, incurious, and 
 difhe veiled, may know that here alfo we 
 know how to write a la papilktte, and 
 bring out a Latin, with as many buckles, 
 as if it had been combed in the Rue St. 
 Honorl a Paris -, which is impoflible to be 
 done, unlefs we go upon the hunt for choice 
 phrafes and fuch as are crifp and have a 
 natural curl. 
 
 " There you have the Englishman or 
 Scotchman, John Barclay (for I do not 
 pledge myfclf, whether he was of London 
 or Edinburgh) who would not fay exbpr- 
 tatio, though they burnt him, but/^r^p- 
 nefis which fignifies the fame, but is a 
 p 2 little
 
 212 The HISTORY of 
 
 little more of the Greek ; nor obedire for 
 obey, which any lay-brother fays, but de- 
 cedere t which, befides being of a better 
 found, is of more abftrufe fignification, 
 and is equivocal into the bargain. To call 
 the preface prcefatio ! what layman would 
 not underftand that Latin ? To call it Pro- 
 cemlum has a fmack of the logical porch : 
 Prologus founds farcical ; let it be called 
 Alloquium, Anteloqumm Prteloquium, Prtelo- 
 cutio, and I will anfwer for it. Let the 
 doctrinal ityle be always called in Latin, 
 Stylus didafcalicus, and let who will fall 
 upon the right interpretation thereof or 
 not. When you would remark upon any 
 Latin author, (though he fhould be one of 
 the moft famous) that he has not caught 
 the true air of the Roman tongue, and that 
 fome national or provincial peculiarities are 
 difcoverable in him, fay, " God help him, 
 he cannot write other wife, redolet patavi- 
 nitatem*" for though in fact the gram- 
 marians are not agreed upon the true figni- 
 fication of this word, yet whoever ufes 
 it, is at once, ipfofc&o, ftamped for a La- 
 tinift elegant, polimed, terfe, and fearing 
 out of fight. Above all, I charge you 
 ftriclly that you never call me or any 
 other teacher by the very vulgar names of 
 
 Doftor,
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 213 
 
 Dottor, Magijler, Praceptor. Jefus, 
 
 what littlenefs ! What clowniihnefs ! Al- 
 ways call him who teaches any faculty, 
 Myjlagogus j for though it is certain it is 
 not to the purpofe, yet he who knows it 
 will thank you for it, as it is a word which 
 prefents a myfterious and extraordinary 
 idea. The beft admonition had like to 
 have flipped me. It is of the greateft im- 
 portance, when you read any Latin work, 
 of thofe which are moft in vogue (a phrafe 
 with which 1 am much pleafed) to fay 
 every now and then hie eft Tbrafonifmus, 
 and never mind whether you yourfelves, 
 and thofe who hear you underftand right- 
 ly what you mean by it, for I will pawn 
 my word for it, you will leave them 
 amazed and arching their eye-brows with 
 admiration. With this, and with being 
 very cautious not to write the dipthongs of 
 a and e, and o and e, in one letter, as ibme 
 honeft people who have written in Latin 
 have hitherto done, but with the letters 
 feparate, writing, for example, faenftnae, 
 inftead vi famines, and Phoebus, inilead of 
 Phcebus ; with not putting the dates of 
 time in days of the month, but in Kalends, 
 Ides, and Nones; with obferving not to 
 call the months of July and Anguft by 
 P 7 thci?
 
 214 The HISTORY of 
 
 their known and regular names, but bythofe 
 of ^umtilis and Sextilis, as they were called, 
 in diebus iltis ; and finally with banifhing 
 the Arabic numbers from all your Latin 
 compofitions, ufmg always Roman letters 
 inftead of figures, and thofe deviled 
 after the ancient mode, for example, 
 for anno millefimo feptingentifjimo quinqua- 
 geffimo quarto, put not, as a 'counting-^ 
 houfe man would do, 1754* but AN. 
 CIDDCGLIV ; I fay, my fons, that, 
 with obferving thefe articles, you may 
 ih'ut, bufkined glorioufly with Latin, 
 throughout the world : et per earn ego nift 
 cultijjlml omnium Latinijfimorum homlnum au-! 
 dkritis /" 
 
 Very attentive was our Gerund to the 
 leflbns of the Domine, hearing them with 
 fingular complacency, for as he had fuffi- 
 cient quicknefs he immediately compre- 
 hended them, and as at the fame time 
 they were fo conformable to the extrava- 
 gant tafte with which he had been hitherto 
 educated, they were marvelloufly grateful 
 to him. But as he faw that the Domine 
 infifted fo ftrenuoufly that the Latin mould 
 always go upon flilts and be as obfcure 
 as poffible, and as on account of the ftrong 
 inclination he had from his infancy {hewn 
 
 for
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 215 
 
 for preaching, his godfather, the licentiate 
 Quixano, had fent him the four volumes 
 of fermons of the famous John Raulin, 
 a Parifian doctor, who died in 1514, 
 which as they were written in very plain 
 and home-fpun Latin, were perfectly un- 
 derftood by Gerry, he faid very difconfo- 
 lately to the' Domine, fpeaking in Latin, 
 (as there was a forfeit for fpeaking Spanifli 
 in the fchoo\)Domfne, fccundum ipfmn, qui- 
 damfermones Latini quos ego babeo in faufa- 
 tione mea non vakbunt nihil, quiafunt plant 
 Gf clari ficut aqua. r Accord ing to that, Sir, 
 fome Latin fermons which I have at my 
 lodging or pofada are good for nothing, 
 hecaufe they are as plain and clear as wa- 
 ter. %ni Junt hi firmones, afkcd the Do- 
 mine, what fermons are thofe ? Sunt cujuf- 
 
 dam predicatorit qui vocatur Joannes de 
 
 non me recorder, qu'ia habet apeliitum mid- 
 turn enrevejatum. They are of a preacher 
 
 called John de I can't remember as 
 
 he has a very intricate or enrevcfado appel- 
 lative. De quo agunt, demanded the Do- 
 mine, of what do they treat ? Domine, 
 ani wered the boy, de multis rebus quee fa- 
 clunt rider e Sir, of many things which 
 make one laugh. Go and fetch them, 
 faid the Preceptor, and we will fee what 
 P 4 things
 
 2i6 The HISTORY of 
 
 things they are, and what fort of ftuff the 
 Latin is. Away flew the obedient Gerund, 
 and brought the books. The Domlne 
 opened a volume in the fermon de viduitate, 
 from which he read aloud the following 
 admirable paflage. 
 
 Dicitur de quadam vidua quod venit ad 
 curatum fuum quterens ab eo confilium, Ji 
 de beret iterum maritari, & alkgabat quod 
 erat fine adjutorio, G? quod habebat fervum 
 optimum & peritum in arti maritifui. Tune 
 curatus dixit, Bene, accipite eum. E con- 
 trario ilia dicebat, fed perlculum fit acclpere 
 illum> m defervo meofaciam dominum. Tune 
 curalus dixit, Bene, nclite eum accipere. Ait 
 ilia, quomodo ergo faciam ? Non poffum fuf- 
 tinere pondus illud quod fujlinebat maritus 
 meus mfi unum babcam. Tune curatus dtxit, 
 Bene, habeatis eum. At ilia, fed fi mains 
 ejfet & pellet me dijperdere & ujurpare? 
 Tune curatus, Non accipiatis ergo eum. Ef 
 fie curatus femper juxt a argument a fua con- 
 cedebat ei. Videns autem curatus, quia pel- 
 let ilium habere, & baberet devotionem ad 
 eum, dixit ei, ut bene diftinfte intelligeret 
 quid campance ecclefitf ei dicer ent, G? fecun- 
 dum c.onfilium campanarum quod ipfa facer et. 
 Campanis autem pulfantibus intellexit juxt a 
 voluntatem fuam quod dicerent, prens ton 
 6 varlet,
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 217 
 
 varlet, prens ton varlet. Quo accepto, egre^ 
 gie verberavit earn, & fult ancilla qu<z prius 
 fuerat domina. T'unc ad curatum fuum con- 
 quejla eft de conjilio maledicendo horam, qua 
 crediderat ei. Cut tile, non fatis audijlis 
 quid dicant campana. T'unc curatus pulfa~ 
 uet campanas, Gf tune Intellexit quod cam- 
 pance dicebant, ne le prens pas, ne le prens 
 pas ; tune enim vexatio dedcrat el intd~ 
 Ittum. 
 
 Notwithstanding the innate and connate 
 ferioufnefs of the Preceptor, it is affirmed 
 by a coetaneous, fyneronous, and faith- 
 worthy author, that upon reading this 
 pleafant piece of a fermon he could not 
 refrain from laughter : and that it might 
 be underftood by the very children who 
 had but that year began their grammar 
 he ordered Gerund to conftrue it. Gerund 
 told him, that by only reading it he had 
 got it imprinted on his memory, and that 
 without conftruing it, if his wormip pleaf- 
 cd, he would relate it all regularly, and 
 even preach it as if he was the very 
 preacher himfelf. The proportion was 
 approved by the Preceptor, and filence 
 commanded by him, giving three flaps-on 
 the table with the ferule. Gerund placed 
 himfelf with a graceful air in the middle 
 
 of
 
 2i8 The HISTO R Y of 
 
 of the fchool, wiped his nofe with a cor- 
 ner of his cloak, made a bow with his 
 hat in his hand, round to all his fchool- 
 fellows, and a reverence with his right 
 foot as if he would have fcraped up the 
 floor, fixed his hat upon his head as a 
 preacher would do his cap, cleared his 
 pipes, and began to hold forth in this 
 manner, following word for word the fer- 
 mon of John Raulin. 
 
 " It is related of a certain widow that 
 " fhe went to the minifter of her parifh to 
 " afk his advice if fhe fhould marry again, 
 " aliedging, that fhe could not be without 
 " fome one to help her, and that fhe had 
 " an excellent fervant, a flout young man, 
 te well fkilled in the bufmefs of her late 
 " hufband. Well then, faid the inini- 
 *' fter, marry him. But fhe faid, there 
 " is danger if I marry him, left he may 
 " take upon him, and from my fervant 
 " become my mafler. Well then, faid 
 " the minifter, don't marry him. She 
 " replied, I do not know what to do j I 
 " cannot fuftain the weight of bufmefs 
 " my hufband carried on, unlefs I take an- 
 *' other to affifl me. Well, faid the mi- 
 " nifter, marry this young man. But, 
 " fays fhe, what if he turn cut bad, and 
 2 abufe
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 219 
 
 <f abufe me, and wade my property ? 
 " Well, then, fays again the minifter, 
 " don't marry him : and thus he conti- 
 " nued always anfvvering according to the 
 *' proportions and replies which the wi- 
 " dow made ; but in fhort, feeing me had 
 " a great mind to this young man and 
 " was very fond of him, he told her me 
 ft fhould obferve well what the bells of 
 " the church would fay upon the affair, 
 " and act according to their counfel. The 
 '*' bells were rung, and feemed to fay to 
 " her, by the interpretation of her heart, 
 ft The Jlur-dy rogue be toed, the jlur-dy 
 " rogue be wed. She married him accord- 
 " ingly, and he in return banged her 
 " fides handfomely, and converted the 
 (t miftrefs to an hand-maid. Then fhe 
 1f came complaining to the minifter of the 
 '* advice he had given her, and curling 
 !' the hour in which me had liftened to 
 ** him. Then the minifter faid, without 
 *' doubt you did not obferve well what 
 f * the bells faid. They were rung again, 
 ^' and then they feem to her to fay clearly 
 " and diftindtly, The fur-ly rogue be fled, 
 tf the fur-ly rogue be fed \ for then her af- 
 " fliftion had brought her to her under- 
 f ftanding." 
 
 The
 
 220 The HISTORY of 
 
 The Domine greatly applauded the ex- 
 actnefs with which Gerund had understood 
 what he had read, and the grace witfi 
 which he had recited it, foreseeing that 
 he would have great talents for preach- 
 ing -, and his fchoolfellows huzzaed and 
 extolled him much, and laughed exceed- 
 ly at the flory. But the Preceptor, re- 
 fuming his tone of inftruclion, began with 
 making fome ferious and judicious reflec- 
 tions, and ended with others as ridiculous 
 as poflible. As to the Latin, he told his 
 difciples, it was indeed very home-fpun, 
 and that even thofe who were for clear and 
 running Latin would not approve it, be- 
 caufe this was not fo much clear and na- 
 tural as clownifh and dirty ; in which he 
 had great reafon. " But you are to obferve 
 one thing, fays he, which is the little rea- 
 fon fome gentlemen Frenchmen have to cut 
 their jokes upon the Latin of the Spaniards, 
 treating us as barbarians in point of Lati- 
 nity, and faying that we have always fpoken 
 this tongue as the Goths and Vandals might 
 have fpoken it : and this, becaufe there 
 may have been here and there an author of 
 ours, who in truth wrote a ruftic and tan- 
 gled Latin, or like the Latin of an apothe- 
 cary or a parifliTclerk. Come, come, Mon- 
 fieurs, they ought all to be allowed good 
 
 by
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 221 
 
 by you ; for if we have had our Garcias, our 
 Cruzes, and our I don't know who befides, 
 your wormips have likewife had your Rau- 
 lins, your Maillards, your Barletas, your 
 Menots ; and, what is worth remarking, 
 your author, the celebrated Monfieur du 
 Cange, in the Dictionary he compofed of 
 low or baftard Latin, went not from home 
 to look for the greatefl part of the exam- 
 ples which he gives. And pray obferve, 
 gentlemen, by the way, that at the time 
 when fuch elegant Latin as this of John 
 Raulin was the mode' even in your Bonne 
 Vilk de Paris, we had here, in the very 
 fame age, the Montanos, the Brocenfes, 
 the Pereyras, the Leones, and many others, 
 who could have played their part in the 
 politeft Roman circle, and have talked fact 
 to face with the Tullies and the Livies, 
 whom your wormips fo much praife, tho' 
 they are not of my parifh, nor of my great- 
 e devotion. 
 
 " So far as to the Latin," faid the Do- 
 mine ; ** but with regard to the fubftance 
 of the iermon", continued he, foon tired of 
 fpeaking with tolerable judgment, or fuf- 
 fering himfelf to be carried away by his 
 flovenly mode of conception, " but with 
 regard to the fubftance of tfie fermon, tho'
 
 222 The HISTORY of 
 
 I have read but this fcrap of it, I imme- 
 diately pronounce the author of it to have 
 been one of the greater! preachers there 
 ever were in the world, and I myfelf would 
 go to the end of it merely to have the hap- 
 pinefs of hearing him. I am fo delighted 
 with thefe little tales, jefts, and plealan- 
 tries in fuch compositions, that I would not 
 give two-pence for a fermon, and fhould 
 be ready to fall a-ileep at it, in which the 
 audience did not laugh, at lead half a dozen 
 times, ready to fplit their fides. I thought 
 that this had been an exclufive merit of 
 fome Spanifh preachers, and that this me- 
 thod of preaching, and of diverting people, 
 had not been practifed in other parts; but 
 now I fee that all the world is country, as 
 we fay, that this is not a peculiar cuftom ; 
 and though on one hand I lament that fome 
 of our celebrated orators have not the fole 
 claim to this glory, yet on the other I am 
 not forry that other nations participate it, 
 as the contrary would be envy and 'a vicious 
 ambition *.'* Not a fyllable of this ledure 
 
 * From one of the fermons of Menot, whom the Do- 
 mine names lad of the French authors, Mr. Helvetius 
 gives the following extract, which the reader perhaps 
 may not think inferior to the widow and her belts ; and 
 left it mould fuffej by a tranflation he mall have in the 
 language in which it is met with. " Dieu avoit de 
 toute eternite determine Pincarnation & le falut du genre 
 
 humian i
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 223 
 
 was loft upon our Gerund ; for as he had 
 from a child (hewn fo ftrong an inclina- 
 tion to preaching, he took in, with par- 
 ticular attention and guft, whatever might 
 tend to render him famous in that line, 
 
 humain ; mais il vouloit que de grands perfonages, tels 
 que les faints peres, Je demandafient. Adam, Enos, 
 Methufalem, Lamech, Noe, apres 1'avoir inutilement fo- 
 licite, s'aviieretit de lui envoyer dcs ambafladeurs. Le 
 premier t'ut Moifc, le fecond David, le troifieme Ifai'e, & 
 Je dernier 1'eglife. Ces ambafTadeurs n'ayant pas mieux 
 reulli que les patriarches eux-memes, ils crurcnt devoir 
 dcputer des femmes. Madame Eve fe prefenta la pre- 
 miere, a laquelle Dieu fit reponfe, ** Eve, tu as peche; 
 tu n'es pas digne de mon fils." Enfuite Madame Sara 
 qui di, " O Dieu, aide-nous." Dieu lui dit, Ci Tu 
 t'en as rendue indigne par 1'incredtilite que tu marquas 
 lorlque je t'aflurai que tu ferois mere d'Ifaac." La troi- 
 fieme iut Madame Rebecca : Dieu lui dit, " Tu as fait 
 en faveur (!e Jacob, trop de tort a Efau." La quatrieme, 
 Madame Judith, a qui Dieu dit, " Tu as etc trop co- 
 quette, tu perdoies trop de terns a t'attiffer pour p!airo a 
 Ahafuerus." Enfin fut envoyee la chambriere, de Tage 
 de quatorze ans, laquelle, tenant la vue bailfc & toute 
 honteufe, s'agenouilla puis vint a dire, " Que non bien- 
 aime vienne dans mon jardin, afin qu'il y mange du fruit 
 de fes pommes," Sc le jardin etoit le ventre virginal. 
 Or, ie fils ayant oui ces paroles, il dit a fon pere, 
 * c Mon perc, j'ai aime celle-ci des ma jeuncfle, & je 
 veux 1'avoir pour mere." A 1'inftant Dieu appelle Ga- 
 brid, & lui dit, *' Hola, Gabriel, va-t-cn vite en Na- 
 zareth, a Marie, & lui prefente de ma part ces lettres." 
 Et le fi!s y ajouta, ** Dis-lui de la mienne que je la 
 clioifis pour ma mere." *' Aflure-la," dit tnfui'e le 
 Saint-Efprit, " Que je habiteraien elle, qu'elle fera mon 
 temple; & remets lui ces lettres de ma part." 
 
 Ail the other fermons of Menot, fays the cuoter of 
 tlr xtracl., are nearly in the fame tafte. 
 
 and
 
 224 The HISTORY of 
 
 and he immediately refolved in his heart 
 that if he mould ever come to be a 
 preacher, no fermon would he preach, be 
 it upon what fubjeft or occafion it would, 
 which mould not be crammed full of jefts 
 and (lories. 
 
 Finally, the good Domine inftru&ed his 
 difciples in all the other parts relative to 
 to perfect Latinity, or the perfect ufe of the 
 Latin tongue, with exactly the fame tafte 
 as he had instructed them in ftyle. He 
 told them that rhetoric was not the art 
 of perfuading, but the art of fpeaking, 
 and that the going to feek after folid rea- 
 fons and concluiive arguments to prove a 
 thing and to convince the underftanding, 
 was a mechanical bufinefs, fit only for lo- 
 gicians and mathematicians, who go a de- 
 monftration-hunting with great parade, and 
 when they had feized their game it was 
 good for nothing ; that the perfect rheto- 
 rician was he, who attacked and overcame 
 the underftanding with three or four no- 
 things, and that to this end figures had 
 been invented, which were ufelefs to give 
 weight to what had weight in itfelf, and that 
 all their merit confifted in bewildering rea- 
 fon, and making it believe that glafs was 
 diamond, and tinfel gold. He taught them 
 
 that
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 225 
 
 that they mould not wafte their time nor 
 puzzle their brains about introduction, 
 propofition, divifion, confirmation, per- 
 oration, &c. for that this was to give heed 
 to old women's tales, and to fet about com- 
 pofing a Latin oration with the fame fym- 
 metry as one builds an houfe. He did not 
 conceal from them that Ariftotle, De- 
 mofthenes, Cicero, Longinus, and Quinti- 
 lian had faid that this was indifpenfable, 
 not only that an oration fhould be perfect, 
 but that it fhould even merit the name of 
 an oration ; but he added that thefe was 
 poor creatures, and that becaufe they them- 
 ielves knew not how to fpeak in public 
 in any other manner, they took it for 
 granted that all were to fpeak thus, who 
 were to fpeak well. A clear proof that 
 they had no reafon in what they faid were 
 thoufands and thoufands of fermons which 
 went up and down this good world of God 
 even in print, with all the necefTary licences, 
 and with the approbations of the moft fci- 
 entific and difcreet men, and which had 
 been received with aftonifhing applaufe ; 
 and as all mankind knows that a fermon is 
 not, nor ought to be any thing elfe than 
 an artificial and well-conftructed compofi- 
 tion of eloquence or rhetoric, yet in the 
 VOL. I. faid
 
 * 2 6 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 faid fermons was there not the leaft trace 
 of all that nonfenfe and hurly-burly of in- 
 troduction, propofition, divifion, &c. but 
 certain brilliant, frifky, fuitable, fpecious 
 thoughts, driving each which mould be 
 falfeft, fcattered here and there at the plea- 
 fure of the preacher, without conviction 
 perfuafion, or any thing like it ; and ne- 
 vertheiefs they were applauded as pieces of 
 inimitable eloquence, and committed to 
 print to perpetuate their memory. From 
 all which, he legitimately and perempto- 
 rily concluded that true rhetoric and true 
 eloquence had nothing at all to do with all 
 that ftufF, but coniifted principally in hav- 
 ing the rhetorical figures well decorated 
 with the founding Greek names with 
 which each had been baptifed, the orator 
 being ready, when properly called upon, to 
 give their proper and adequate definition. 
 " Give me the man, faid he, who knows 
 quid eft Epanortbojis, Elipjis, Hyper bat on, 
 Paralipjis, Pleonajmus, Synonomta> Hypoty- 
 fofiSy E,pipbonemr. t Apojlrophe, Prolepfis, 
 Upobolia* Ephrophe, *Peripbrafis> and Pro- 
 JbpQpeia ; and who in whatever competition, 
 whether Latin or Spanish, ufes thefe figures 
 as he fhall think fit, whether he has a call 
 for them or not, ana I will maintain him 
 
 to
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 227 
 
 to be more rhetorical and mors eloquent 
 than an hundred Ciceros and two hundred 
 Demoflhenefes patted by the alembic." All 
 the endeavour therefore of the learned Pre- 
 ceptor was, that his boys fhould know 
 thefe trifles by heart j and to thofe whom 
 he faw moft intruded and expert in them 
 he would fay, full of vanity and iatisfac- 
 tion, " Go, my fons, for you may now fhew 
 yourfelves courageoufly as rhetoricians thro* 
 all the good ftudies of God and all the fe- 
 minaries of Chrift.'' In reality the rheto- 
 ricians of the Domirte Zangas-largas, or 
 Long-Shanks, that was his true name, 
 were very remarkable upon all the banks 
 of the Orbigo and thofe which are bathed 
 by the famous Rio Tuerto, or Crooked 
 River. 
 
 Finally, the leflbns which he gave them 
 upon the Latin poetry, the laft part of all 
 which it was his province to teach, were 
 full brothers to thofe relating to the other 
 parts of Latinity. He contented himfelf 
 with making them learn by heart the pro- 
 fody, the quantity of the fyllables, the 
 Greek names of the feet, daftyle, fpondee, 
 iambus, trochee, pyrrichius, &c. thofe 
 which exprefied the uniformity or variety 
 of the ftrophes, mcnocolos, monojiropbos, di- 
 Q 2
 
 228 The HISTORY of 
 
 co/os t diftrophos, tetraftropbos, and that they 
 fhould commit to memory a great number 
 of verfes of the Latin poets folely to prove 
 by them the quantity of fyllables long or 
 fhort by pofition, without adverting that 
 this rule is not abfolutely infallible, becaufe 
 the befl Latin poets made, not infrequently, 
 long fyllables fhort, or fhort ones long, ei- 
 ther ufmg poetical licence, or becaufe, tho' 
 they were poets, as they were but men 
 they might forget themfelves ; fince, fome- 
 times, even Homer himfelf will nod. This 
 being done, if the boys compofed verfes 
 which would fcan, however languid, poor, 
 and profaic they might be, and though 
 they were more fluffed with trafh than a 
 mafter-wall with rubbifh, there was need 
 of nothing more for crowning them with 
 the laurel of Apollo. Once were propofed, 
 as a fubject of a Latin diftich, or a quar- 
 tilla (a flanza of four lines) in Spanifh, 
 thefe words, Then it ivasfeen ivitb bow much 
 reafon God chajiifed the <world 'with the deluge, 
 a?id Noah's ark was conftruffied, and a dif- 
 ciple of Zancas-largas compriied them in 
 a fingle Latin verfe which faid 
 
 Diluviumque, Arcamque Noe ; turn qua ratione. 
 
 For this admirable verfe only the Domine, 
 
 not
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 229 
 not able to contain himfelf, gave him an 
 embrace and twoparces, or licence to com- 
 mit two faults without punifhment. As 
 another fubjeft was propofed the proverbial 
 fentence, what cant be curd muft be endurd, 
 and one of the boys dreffed it in this fweet 
 pentameter, 
 
 >uee non mutari y funt toleranda, queunt ; 
 
 which was worth him twelve places in his 
 form and an afternoon's holiday. He order- 
 ed them to put the following invitation into 
 a ftanza of Sapphic verfes ; Andrew Corvinus 
 defires Peter Pagamts to come and take a bit 
 with him on Wednefday afternonn, as he flail 
 that day kill an hog. A boy who pafTed for 
 a miraculous genius the next day brought 
 this ftanza. 
 
 Domine Petre, Domlne Pcgane y 
 Coruius rogat, veils ut, Andrea^ 
 Vefperi quarto maftabimui fuem t 
 Ad fe venire. 
 
 The preceptor wanted little of running 
 mad with joy, and immediately on the 
 fpot declared him perpetual emperor of 
 the Roman band *, made him take pofTef- 
 
 * The fcholars are ufually divided into two bands, 
 the Roman and Carthageni'an, or the Greek and Tro- 
 jan. Their Saturday's bufmefs is a pitched battle of 
 knowledge in the different parts of grammar. A judge 
 0.3 OI
 
 230 The HISTORY of 
 
 fion of the chief feat, or imperial throne, 
 commanded that for the prefent he iliould 
 be crowned with a wreath of marfh-mal- 
 lows and other herbs, fince there was no- 
 thing elfe at hand in what was called the 
 De-mine's Garden, but was a little dirty 
 clofe to fodder an afs in, till a branch of 
 laurel coultl be procured from the moun- 
 tain ', and decreed that from that time 
 forth to all fucceeding ages, even to the 
 end of the world, he fhould be held, had, 
 and accounted the Arch-poet of the Defert 
 (that was the country which produced this 
 thunderbolt of a boy) to diftinguifh him 
 from, and prevent his ever being con- 
 founded with, Camillo Cuerno the Arch- 
 poet de la Pulla. 
 
 That the Domine mould fet about ex- 
 plaining to his difciples, in what the foul 
 
 or umpire is appointed, who declares the victory from 
 the fuperior, number of hits j and to the cuftody of fome 
 boy of the conquering party, who has moft diflinguifhed 
 himfeif, is committed by the mailer a fmall flag or en- 
 fign, with which he inarches home very triumphantly 
 to his parents, who are much delighted with the ho- 
 nourable tefdmony of his merit, if they are in good 
 circumftances ; but if they are poor, they curfe the 
 compliment and the maker of it, as this flag muft be 
 fent home the next Saturday, with a piece of good rib- 
 bon tied to its tail, which the Domine either fells, or 
 gives to the fair one of whofe good graces he is moft 
 ambitious, 
 
 and
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 231 
 
 and the divine furor of poetry confifted, to 
 defire him to make them obferve the cha- 
 racter and difference of the belt poets, to 
 hope that he would teach them to know, 
 and diftinguifh, and judge of them, to 
 expecl: that he (hould inftruct them not to 
 be pleafed with verbofity and ridiculous 
 puerility think not of it, Sir, I befeech- 
 you ; 'twas not to be done ; the Domine 
 did not know to do it ; and, befides, ver- 
 bofity and puerility were the delight of his 
 heart. He was naturally inclined to the 
 worft of whatever he met with in the 
 poets, efpecjally if it had a thundering 
 Ibund or ridiculous jingle or iteration. As 
 to the firfl chapter, he extolled to the fkies 
 thefe two windy mouthfuls, or poetical 
 ventofities of Ovid, 
 
 Semi-bovtmque virum, fumi-virumque Ltrjsm. 
 Egclidum bortam^ egelidumque notum. 
 
 And faid, with great fatisfadion, he found 
 nothing elfe in this poet that he could 
 praife. As to the fecond, there was not 
 in the world, according to him, a thing 
 equal to that play of words, fo ridiculous 
 and fo filly, in the verfe of Cicero, which 
 tas for ever marked him for as poor a crea-
 
 232 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 ture amongft the poets, as he was great 
 amongft the orators, 
 
 Ofortunatam natam> me confuh^ Romam ! 
 
 But nothing aftonimed him fo much as the 
 divine genius of that unknown poet, who 
 in two words only compofed an hexameter 
 verfe, complete and adjufted to all the 
 rules of profody, but in fo occult a man- 
 ner, that it is fcarcely to be known for a 
 verfe, unlefs by a revelation ; for without 
 it who would take this for one, 
 
 Conjlernabatur ConftantinopoHtanus ? 
 
 And yet no fyllable is wanting. Thus all 
 his chief cares, and his moft earneft en- 
 deavours, were to teach his boys in poetry 
 juft what they ought to be ignorant of, or 
 to know only is order to abominate, or to 
 make a folemn jeft of, as is done by all 
 the notable men who deferve to have a 
 muftacho curled upon ParnafTus. For his 
 lins did there fail into his hands a certain 
 work of a writer of this age, intitled, De 
 Poeft Germanorum Symbolica, Of the Symbo- 
 lical Poetry of the Germans, in which was 
 Dandled and celebrated the prodigious va- 
 riety of fo many kinds of verle, Leonine, 
 Alexandrine, Acroftic, Chronologic, Hie- 
 roglyphic,
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 233 
 
 roglyphic, Cancrine, Crofs-fbnned, Laby- 
 rinthic, Pyramidal, and a thoufand other 
 follies as have been invented by that na- 
 tion, otherwife learned, ingenious, and 
 judicious, but in this particular of fo ex- 
 travagant a tafte, that it has caufed much 
 admiration and not a little laughter to 
 other nations j though it will be difficult 
 to find one to which the contagion has not 
 reached : juft like the fmall-pox, which in 
 general infects only children and young 
 perfons, this ridiculous peft is caught or- 
 dinarily by boy-poets only, who have not 
 yet the ufe of poetical reafon ; and if at 
 any time it feizes an adult, the difeafe is 
 incurable, or little lefs than defperate. 
 
 To all the other kinds of verfe Zancas- 
 largas of courfe preferred the worft, that 
 is, the Leonine or jingling, which in all 
 probability introduced into the poetical 
 world the perverse feet of rhimes, which, 
 like the dragon in the Revelation, with its 
 tail drew the third part of the ftars of 
 Heaven, and did caft them to the earth, I 
 mean, which has deftroyed fo many noble 
 geniufes who might have enriched pofte- 
 rity with a thoufand divine things, and 
 who, through thefe curfed rhimes, (God 
 forgive me) happily unknown to all anti- 
 6
 
 234 The HISTORY of 
 
 quity have bequeathed it an inexhauftible 
 fund of poornefs, impropriety, and rub- 
 bifh. But our Domine, befotted to his 
 ill-ad vifcd opinion, fwore by the immor- 
 tal Gods, that all the Iliad of Homer, all 
 the Eneid of Virgil, and all the Pharfalia 
 of Lucan, were not worth the iingle diflich 
 with which Muretus laughed at Gambarra, 
 a poet of Antwerp, faving the dirtinefs and 
 ill favour, for thefe were not to be laid to 
 the charge of the poetry. 
 
 Credite, veflratum merdofa volnmlna vatum 
 Nonfunt nojlfatts tergere dlgna nates. 
 
 As the end and clofe of all, he inftructed them 
 in whathecalled thcDhma Scientia of equi- 
 voques and anagrams, and of this laft, efpeci-r 
 ally, he was furioufly enamoured. A perfect 
 anagram, he faid, was the art of arts, the 
 fcienceof fciences, the delicacy of delicacies, 
 the elevation of elevations, in a word, the 
 lydius lapis, or the touch-ftone of good, 
 true, pure; legal, unalloyed genius. Where 
 is there again in the world fuch another 
 thing as to call a wolf a fowl, and zfow! a 
 wolf; to fay pufs to a man taking broth, 
 and fup to a cat ? But if in a perfect fen- 
 tence or motto was concealed not lefs than 
 a name and a pair of appellatives, without 
 
 afyl-
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 235 
 a fyllable, letter, or leg of a letter want- 
 ing or abounding as, for example, the 
 beautiful difguife, under which the author 
 of a certain modern work hid himfelf, and 
 yet came forth into public with his name 
 and additions, faying, in the front of the 
 work, Homo impugnat Utes t and concluding 
 with a finguet ohm it is worth a Potoii, 
 as it is a perfecl anagram of both his 
 names, and both the fentences have a 
 meaning proper, elegant, and foaring out 
 of fight. Yet there are imperfect ana- 
 grams, which, notwithstanding, are inef- 
 timable, and have in their very imperfec- 
 tion more grace than can be found in the 
 fo-much-extolled infipidities of Martial 
 and Owen. For example, did not he who 
 made an anagram of the name of Ofma, 
 and faid, Afno, with one leg tofpare *, de- 
 fcrve to have a ftatue eredted for him in 
 the capitol of Minerva ? And did the other 
 deferve lefs who put the name and appel- 
 latives of a certain bifhop in this anagram, 
 Thou Jbult be Cardinal, and, as there were 
 two 1 1's abounding, which he did not 
 know how to accommodate, added, with 
 tivoll's to fpare, for the Leather Lafh of 
 
 * dfno is an afs. One leg to fpare means one ftroke 
 of the OT, which being take u away leaves an . 
 
 8 the
 
 236 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 the poft-boy who flail bring the news ? Let 
 us be undeceived j this affair of anagrams 
 is a divine affair, whatever may be faid by 
 half a dozen buffoons, who account it 
 children's play, and would perfuade us 
 thui Martial's affertion, T^urpe eft difficiles 
 babere nugas, & Jlultus ejl labor ineptiarum t 
 is well applied to Anagrammatifts. And 
 lefs weight with me has the other fatire of 
 the crude Adrian deValois, who, becaufe he 
 did not know what is your right anagram, 
 fung us this fmart touch as he thought, 
 
 Chharadus effe qui nequit, fit Auleedus ; 
 Anagrammatljla^ qui Poeta nonfperat. 
 
 Bravo ! Give the pretty fellow a fugar- 
 plum for his pretty thing. But I will 
 tell him, that he who fhall not know how 
 to make anagrams, muft never hope to be 
 a poet on this fide the grave ; and that he 
 who hall make good ones, is already ad- 
 vanced above half way towards being a 
 mighty poet, a poet in folio : for if poetry 
 be no other than a noble tranfpofition of 
 words, anagrams are but a beautiful tranf- 
 pofition of letters. And evil betide that 
 Colletet, or Coletillo, who, without the 
 fear of God before his eyes, faid, 
 
 Letters in anagrams to twift and ftrain, 
 Is the poor province of a twifted brain.
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 237 
 
 CHAP. X. 
 
 In which is treated of what iff elf will tell. 
 
 FIVE years, four months, twenty days, 
 three hours, and feven minutes did 
 our Gerund fpend in learning thefe and 
 other impertinences of the fame ftamp. 
 (according to a moft punctual ancient le- 
 gend, which gives us exactly marked even 
 the very tittles of chronology) and fraught, 
 to the entire fatisfaclion of the Domine, 
 with figures, rules, verfes, hymns, and lef- 
 fons of the Breviary (for this he made his 
 fcholars conftrue and get by heart, as be- 
 ing an admirable preparation for an exami- 
 nation for holy orders) he returned to 
 Campazas upon a day of the month of 
 May, which day the abovefaid chronicle 
 remarks broke cloudy, and afterwards con- 
 tinued rainy. All the moft weighty au- 
 thors who have written upon the affairs of 
 this extraordinary man, agree, that though 
 the Domine was a great flogger, and efp'e- 
 cially if a boy miftook in a particle of an 
 hymn, the quantity of a fyllable, the for- 
 mation of an anagram, and things of this 
 
 tenour,
 
 Z 3 $ The H I S T O R Y 6f 
 
 tenour, he was fure to be horfed without 
 remiffion though he might have a hat-full 
 of parces y yet that, notwithftanding, our 
 Gerund was fo exact in every thing, and 
 knew fo well how to keep his breeches up, 
 that in all the aforefaid time which he 
 fpent in his grammatical fludies, he was flog- 
 ged but four hundred and ten times, which 
 by a faithful calculation fcarcely amounts 
 to three times a week : a thing which fur- 
 prifed thofe who knew the rigour and fe- 
 verity of Zancas-largas. Nor was it lefs 
 matter of furprize, that in all this courfe 
 of time Gerund mould not have played 
 truant but twelve times, according to one 
 author, or thirteen according to another, 
 and this always for the moft legitimate and 
 urgent caufes ; for one time he did it to 
 go to fee the bulls at Baneza, another to go 
 to the pilgrimage of the Chrift of Villa- 
 quexida, two others to go a bird-catching 
 with limed twigs at a hedge-row near a fpring 
 which was three leagues from the place 
 whepe he ftudied ; and thus of all the reft 3 
 which his application and the great love he 
 had for learning corroborates. The fame 
 authors likewife afTure us, that there was 
 not in all the fchool a more quiet and 
 peaceable boy. Never was- any other terv- 
 
 dency
 
 FRI AR GE RUND. 239 
 
 dency to mifchief obferved in him than the 
 great pleafure he took in playing tricks, 
 which they call laying on the cat, upon the 
 frefh-men who came to his boarding- 
 houfe. His nioft ufual and beloved one 
 was to let them fall a-fleep after they were 
 in bed, and making a flip-knot in the end 
 of a piece of ftrong packthread to put it 
 with the greateft foftnefs and gentlenefs in, 
 the world over one'of the great toes of the 
 poor fleeper; then he fiole to his own cham- 
 ber with the other end of the packthread in 
 his hand, which being at firfl gently and 
 afterwards more ftrongly drawn, accord- 
 ingly as the knot went on tightening, the 
 pain went on awakening the patient, 
 who went on fcreaming in proportion 
 to the pain, which likewife went on 
 encreafing in proportion as Gerry went on 
 drawing the packthread ; and as the un- 
 happy fufferer could not fee or guefs at his 
 tormentor, as all his companions in the 
 fame room at that time fnored excellently, 
 feigning a moil profound deep, he bellow- 
 ed ftoutly againft the witches and goblins 
 who wear tearing off his toe. And though 
 it is certain that two or three boys had like 
 to have loft their toes, yet it was always 
 thought a very innocent trick, efpecially 
 
 as
 
 240 Thee HISTORY of 
 
 as Gerund would fay in the morning that 
 he did it only out of fun and out of a mere 
 joke. As to every "hing elfe he was the 
 quieteft creature that could be j for there 
 was a whole week in which he fcarcely 
 broke half a dozen boys heads ; and in the 
 full five years that he was in one and the 
 fame boarding-houfe he never once broke 
 a fingle plate or porringer 5 all that he 
 did in this way, was upon four occafions to 
 dam every piece of crockery-ware in the 
 whole houfe to atoms; but for this he had 
 a ftrong and juft motive, becaufe the red cat 
 which his dame was very fond of, had eat 
 a lufty ramer he had laid by for his fupper. 
 His behaviour at the parifh church, where 
 all the ftudents went to hear mafs, was ex- 
 emplary and edifying. Do not fuppofe 
 that our Gerund was wont to ftand turning 
 his head idly from fide to fide like a wea- 
 ther-cock ; or to be pulling the boy who 
 flood before him by the cloak, or moiften- 
 ing the end of a ftraw to lay it gently in 
 the ear of thefaid boy, or to tickle his neck 
 with it as if it had b~en a fly ; nor much 
 leis to be entertaining himfelf in making a 
 fort of chain-work with the remaining 
 part of the lace with which his waifkoat 
 was drawn together before, and when it 
 
 was
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 241 
 
 was all involv-ed in this chain-work, giving 
 it a pull by the end, and undoing it at 
 once ; all thefe tricks, with which boys 
 ufually beguile their time at church, he 
 was much fcandalized at, and confequent- 
 ly (hunned the practice of. No ; motion- 
 lei's did our Gerund always (land, with his 
 face reverently towards the altar, and his 
 eyes nailed on an /Efop's Fables in his 
 his hand, which he conftrued over and 
 over with the greateft devotion. 
 
 Being returned to Campazas, who can 
 relate the demonftrations of joy, and the 
 endearments with which he was received 
 by Anthony and Catania, the parfon of 
 the parim, and his godfather, the licen- 
 tiate Quixano, who were continual meff- 
 mates with my uncle Anthony, and had 
 fcarely left the houfe after they knew the 
 afs had been fent for Gerry, for that is the 
 phrafe ufed in Campos, when a boy is to 
 be fetched from fchool. After the firft 
 embraces which they all gave him, they 
 were aflonimed at the gumes of Latin, 
 which burft fo copioufly from that mouth 
 of his, that it was wonderful to behold. 
 They prefently began, as it was natural, 
 to talk of the Preceptor, when his fcholar 
 inftantly exclaimed, Proh Dii immortales ! 
 VOL. I. R Mvfta-
 
 242 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 Myftagogus meus ejl homo qui amlttitiir de 
 confpeffiu O immortal Gods ! my Myfta- 
 gogue is a man who foars out of fight. 
 They afked him if he had many boys ? And 
 he directly anfwered, $ui numeret flellaspo- 
 terlt numerare puellas He who can count 
 the flnrs may count the number of the boys. 
 The licentiate Quixano, who was lefs con- 
 fined to his native language than any of the 
 others, faid to him, " You miftake, my 
 man, for puellas does not fignify boys, but 
 girls." Pace tua dixerim, Domme Gro-Jat- 
 ked, replied his godfon, puella puellce is epi- 
 cene, juxta illud, ' uno epicena vacant Graii, 
 promijcua noftri. The Licentiate had no- 
 thing to anfwer, and only afked him why 
 he called him Gro-fat-hcd, as it founded 
 like laughing at him, and he thought it 
 rather impertinent. Neutiquam per medium* 
 fdinml anfwered Gerund, fmiling, Gro- 
 fat-hed\s the anagram of Godfather, and an 
 anagram is a figure by which the letters of 
 one or more words are tranfpofed or in- 
 verted ; and fo, Sir Godfather, with your 
 leave, if I (hould call my mother Catania 
 an all-cat, I fhould be fo far from mifcall- 
 ing her or departing from the duty I owe 
 her, that I fhould compliment her by ap- 
 plying
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 243 
 
 plying to her name one of the mod delicate 
 and ingenious figures in all rhetoric. 
 
 With thefe, and other follies of the fame 
 kind, Gerund patted away the time, (hew- 
 ing figns of his great progrefs in Latinity, 
 and waiting for the arrival of St. Luke's 
 day to begin \\\s fumulas, or introduction to 
 logic ; when, about the middle of fummer, 
 the Provincial * of a certain order, a reli- 
 gious and learned man, came to the houfe, 
 and was entertained in it fome days. His 
 train was compofed, as is ufual, of an- 
 other Father, his companion and fecretary 
 in one, and a lay-brother, a plump, airy, 
 brifk, handy, crafty knave, who was of 
 efpeciai fervice in the miferable inns upon 
 the road, and employed in domeftic offices 
 in the convents. He was a good-humoured 
 fellow, not at all hyprocritical, nor in any 
 degree, nor any point, fcrupulous. He 
 gave Gerund fome cakes and comfits, which 
 had been prefented to him by the Nuns 
 
 * The governor of a province of friars, by whom he 
 is elected. His office, which continues three years, is 
 to vifit every convent once a year, to fee that the regular 
 difcipline be kept up, to fend friars from one convent to 
 another, &c. He may refide afterwards in what convent 
 of the order he pleafes. The Superiors or Priors, &c. 
 of convents are alfo elected, and remain in the office 
 three years. 
 
 R 2 whofe
 
 244 The HISTORY of 
 
 whofe convent they had lately vifited. By 
 this he made the boy very fond of him, 
 and likewife by the ftories and jefts he told 
 in the family whilft his paternity and the 
 fecretary were taking their fiefta or after- 
 noon's nap, (for the lay-brother did not re- 
 lifli fleeping in the day-time) and they fay 
 he told his ftories with grace. After the 
 fathers had reirefhed themfelves, (till when 
 he waited to fee if they had any commands 
 for him) he went to take a walk with Ge- 
 rund, who carried him fome times to the 
 areas on which the corn was rubbed from 
 the ear *, at others to the little chapel by 
 the road fide, and again at others to his fa- 
 ther's vineyard, which bordered on the 
 copfe. Upon thefe occafions the boy poured 
 out all the abfurdities which he had learned 
 with the Domine ; and, as the lay-brother 
 heard him talk fo much Latin, to him the 
 fame as Greek, and as at the fame time he 
 faw he was a lively clever lad, he thought 
 
 * Thefe areas are certain fquare fpots (in different fields) 
 well troden or beaten, and fometimes nicely paved, to 
 make them hard, on which an inftrument made of three 
 great planks, ftudded with fmall (harp flints, is drawn 
 backwards and forwards over the corn, bruifing the ear 
 and thrulting out the graini It is faid to be more expe- 
 ditious than threfhing, or the ancient way of treading it 
 out with oxen. 
 
 he
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 245 
 
 he would he very fit for their order, and 
 therefore began to catechize him. 
 
 He told him that there was no better life 
 in the world than that of a friar, for that 
 the dulleft was always fure of his commons, 
 and after aflifting in the choir, it was all 
 holiday j that he who had a moderate ge- 
 nius might go upon the line of lecturer or 
 mafter, or upon that of preacher 5 and that 
 though the line of lecturer was more min- 
 ing, yet that of the pulpit was more eafy 
 and more lucrative ; fince he knew, that 
 he did, general preachers*, who had never 
 in their lives furnifhed a fermon out of their 
 own heads, and, notwithstanding, were 
 fuch preachers as foared out of fight and 
 had gained a great deal of money; and that, 
 inmort, in becoming jubilated % or exempt (of 
 theemeriti)on eitherline, they lived like very 
 bimops. Then as to life of Collegiates ! (as 
 they are called when they are entered upon 
 their ftudies after the expiration of their 
 noviciate,) neither the king nor the pope 
 lives a better, at leaft not more happy. 
 They run the gauntlet, indeed, a little now 
 and then, with the lecturers and mafters of 
 
 * Predicadores generates^ thofe \vho have a licence 
 from the General of the order, and are of the firft 
 rank. 
 
 R 3 the
 
 246 The HISTORY of 
 
 the faculties, if their gravities are trouble- 
 fome and ridiculous about making them 
 mind their ftudies ; but what does that 
 fignify if they play them a hundred tricks 
 and cheat them finely ? They never eat 
 better than when they are confined to bread 
 and water for neglecting their leflbns or 
 lying a-bed j for then their companions 
 fave in their fleeves the beft part of their 
 commons for them, and they feaft like ab- 
 bots. Then the rout, and the racket, and 
 the roaring, that they make when they are 
 by themfelves ! The merry mad tricks that 
 fhey play with one another ! And fometimes 
 fome precious things have happened. It is 
 certain if they are caught they pay for it; 
 and there are flogging-bouts laid on won- 
 derfully clofe ; but datusfunt, paffatus fimt. 
 As to the life of a Novice we fay little : it 
 is well known that they muft be always af- 
 fifting in the choir, helping at Mafic s, never 
 rnifs Matins, have much meditation, or 
 mental prayer, enjoined them, and much 
 difcipline, go with down-caft eyes and a 
 head hung like a ripe fig. But this is a 
 thing of nothing ; when their mafter has 
 turned his back, or in thofe times of li- 
 berty and holiday which come every now 
 and then, there are fuch doings as are ready 
 
 to
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 247 
 
 to bring the houfe down, playing at blind- 
 man's buff, leap-frog, and fulling-mills *, 
 with all the glee in the world. 
 
 It cannot be conceived with what plea- 
 fure our Gerund liftened to this defcription 
 of the religious life, given with more im- 
 prudence than truth, difcovering only the 
 defects of the imperfect members, and 
 concealing the fevejity with which they 
 were reprehended nd chaftifed, and the 
 regularity which is exacted by every order, 
 however mild, from its individuals. But 
 the good lay-brother thought that if he 
 could but once fet our youngfter agog for 
 the vocation, he mould do a good deed, 
 and as to the reft, he would fee it faft 
 enough when it was embraced. And in 
 truth he fet him ib effectually agog, that 
 he immediately told his Catechift, that he 
 would be a Friar of his order, though they 
 mould hang him, and that he would that 
 very evening defire to have the habit from 
 the hands of the Provincial Father before 
 his parents. The lay-brother gave him an 
 
 * A noify fport, in which fome of the boys lie upon 
 their backs on the ground, lifting up their legs alter- 
 nately, whilft the others are to ftrike on their breech, 
 the ground, and their own hands, with a (hoe, or fomc 
 fuch thing, to meafured time, under forfeiture of tak- 
 jng their places. 
 
 R 4 embrace
 
 248 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 embrace, two heart-cakes, and a fcapulary 
 with red ribbons, and its badge em- 
 broidered with gold thread, with which 
 his eagernefs for the vocation became fo 
 great, that he would not have abandoned 
 the thoughts of being a Friar, even for the 
 living of his own parim. Moreover, the 
 lay-brother inflrucled him in what man- 
 ner he was to apply to the Provincial, and 
 that having procured his confent, he 
 fhould befeech him to be himfelf his ha- 
 bit-father, as in this manner he would fe- 
 cure his fortune, becaufe the party of his 
 Paternity was the governing one, and in 
 all probability would be the governing 
 one for fome years, fince there was fcarce- 
 ly a Definer, an Exempt, or Chief of a 
 convent in the order, who was not a fon 
 or a grandfon of his Reverence, that is, 
 either his own difciple, or his difciples' 
 difciple ; and thus he eafily managed the 
 chapters, and difpofed of every thing in 
 them at his pleafure. 
 
 Ages did the hours till fupper-time ap- 
 pear to Gerund, and when it arrived, he 
 fat himfelf down to table with the Provin- 
 cial, the Secretary, and his father and mo- 
 ther, as ufual. But inftead of diverting 
 them with anagrams, verfes, and nonfenfe, 
 
 which
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 349 
 
 which he bolted out at other times, thut 
 evening, according to the inftruction of 
 the fly lay-brother, he mewed him (elf 
 very ferious, penfive, and void of appetite. 
 They would have excited him, but fcarce 
 a word was to be drawn from him. When 
 the cloth was taken away, the Provincial 
 and the Secretary made him fit between 
 them, began to carefs him much, and 
 afked him what was the matter with him ? 
 After fufFering himfelf to be entreated 
 fome time, and the tears, whether in jeft 
 or earneft, appearing in his eyes, he faid, 
 at laft, that he had a great defire to be a 
 Friar of their order, and that he would fol- 
 low them, fo he would, whitherfoever they 
 went, though it mould be on foot, till 
 they had given him the habit. On hear- 
 ing this, the good creature of a Catania, 
 turning to her hufband, her hands clafped, 
 or crofted upon her bread, faid to him 
 with all the goodnefs in the world, " Did 
 not I tell thee, my Tony, that in the end 
 the boy would be a Fliar ? Doft thou not 
 fee how the porphecy of the blefled lay- 
 brother is fulfilling, who pernofticated 
 that this child would one day be a great 
 preacher ?" And turning to Gerund, Go, 
 bleffed of God, with the bendiction of 
 6 his
 
 250 The HISTORY of 
 
 his Divine Majefty and with mine ; for 
 though a chapelry would have come to 
 thee by inheritance, and thy godfather the 
 licentiate Quixano would refign to thee the 
 fmecure of Upper Berrocal, I would rather 
 fee thee in a pulpit convarting of fouls, 
 than fee thee become the arch-peft of all 
 the country *I" Anthony Zotes, who 
 was as good as good bread, anfwered only, 
 " As for my part, fo as he be but a good 
 Fliar, let him do what he will ; for pa- 
 rents mould not thwart the inclinations of 
 their children." 
 
 The Provincial, feeing the little there 
 was left to be done on the fide of the fa- 
 ther and mother, and knowing that the 
 boy had in reality parts and quicknefs, 
 and that the abfurdities he had picked up, 
 were the effects of his bad education, 
 which there was reafon to hope he might 
 be fenfible of, and rectify in time, with 
 proper induction, immediately promifed 
 that he would receive him, and that he 
 himfelf would give him the habit, and al- 
 ways be his father and godfather. But as 
 he was a learned and religious man, and as 
 
 * That is, that (he would rather fee him a regular 
 Prieft, than afecular one, as in the former, according 
 to the ideas of the vulgar, there is much more me; it. 
 
 It
 
 FR I AR; GERUND. 251 
 
 it was a ferious affair, he feared left it 
 might be fome light fancy in the boy, or, 
 however, left he might embrace that ftate 
 heedlefsly, and without a right comprehen- 
 fion of what he embraced j and, therefore, 
 that he might at once comply with his 
 confcience, his duty, and his great under- 
 ftanding, he fpoke to' him in the following 
 manner : 
 
 " Know 'ft thou, my fon, what the re- 
 " ligious ftate is ? It is a crofs to which 
 " the foul is nailed by the three religious 
 " vows * from the moment it makes them, 
 " and from which it is releafed only with 
 " the laft breath. It is a continual mar- 
 " tyrdom, which commences with its 
 " being embraced, and finishes indeed 
 " when it is left ; but, obferve, that it 
 *' can be left only by lofs of life, or lofs 
 " of honour, and at the fame time with 
 " that the lofs of thy eternal foul. It is 
 " a ftate all of humility, all of mortifica- 
 " tion, all of obedience. He who defpifes 
 " not himfelf, is the moft defpifed of all ; 
 " no one is more mortified, than he who 
 " leaft mortifies, with the difcomfort of 
 " fuffering more and defcrving lefs. He 
 
 * Poverty, chaftity, and obedience. 
 
 " who
 
 i 5 2 The HISTORY of 
 
 " who is not willingly obedient, is con- 
 " {trained to be the moft miferable x>f 
 " Haves. See'ft thou thefe hoary locks 
 " which whiten my head? (at faying this, 
 " he took off his fcull-cap) Know, then, 
 " that thefe twenty years, have they co- 
 " vered, have they disfigured me, and be- 
 " lied my age, for I have not yet attained 
 " ^to my fiftieth year; and by nothing 
 " is this ufually-late-falling fnow .upon 
 " thefe natural plants fo much haftened, 
 " as by troubles and anxieties of mind; 
 " and fcarcely are there any of us, thou 
 " mayeft obferve, but who are grey upon 
 " account of our profeflion, many years 
 " fooner than we ihould be upon account 
 " of age. Certainly this violence which 
 *' is done to nature, cannot ordinarily 
 " arife from any other caufe than the vio- 
 '* lence, voluntary or involuntary, which 
 " is done to natural inclination. 
 
 " As thou *haft never been converfant 
 ' with any other of the Religious than 
 " thofe which the charity of our brethren, 
 " thy good parents, hath with true Chrif- 
 " tian piety entertained, I fear left fome 
 " imprudent perfon (for we cannot deny 
 " that there are fuch in all parts) may 
 ?' have delineated our flate to thee lil^e 
 
 " that
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 253 
 
 " that painter, who, to conceal the defor- 
 " mity of Philip, the father of Alexander, 
 " to whom one eye was wanting, drew 
 " his picture in profile, reprefenting only 
 " the fair fide, and hiding the defective 
 " in the canvafs. It is true, my fon, 
 " there are in the religious ftate certain 
 *' grave men, juftly rewarded for their 
 " merit, with privileges and exemptions j 
 t( but there are not, nor can there be, 
 " privileges againft obedience and obferv- 
 " ance, nor were there -ever yet difcovered 
 " in the world, exemptions from anxiety 
 " and trouble. Of what avail is it, that 
 " the cells of thefe grave fathers mould 
 " abound with all their natural wants re- 
 " quire, if, by default of a proper govern- 
 <f ment of their paffions, there is wanting 
 " to them what they have more need of 
 " in their hearts ? Neither will I deny, 
 " that in the moft rigorous profcffion may 
 " be found fome inobfervant, and even, 
 <e fometimes, fcandalous members. But, 
 " in like manner, there were in Heaven 
 *' apoftate angels, in paradife difobedient 
 " men, and in the apoftolic college a 
 *' traitor, a prefumptuous, an inconftant, 
 " an incredulous man, and many cowards : 
 " yet doth not Heaven ceafe to be Hea- 
 
 ven
 
 254 The H I STORY of 
 
 tf ven, paradife paradife, nor the apofto- 
 ' lie college to be the moil holy commu- 
 " nity that ever was or will be in the 
 " world. A ftate. is not called perfect, 
 " becaufe there are not in it fome defec- 
 " tive members, but becaufe thofe who 
 " are fo, are endeavoured to be reclaimed, 
 " and thofe who are not to be reclaimed 
 " are not tolerated -, for they are either 
 " cut off as rotten members that they may 
 " not infect the found, or are conjured like 
 " tempefls *, that they may difcharge 
 " where they may not deflroy : I mean, 
 *' that confined within the walls of their 
 " convent for life, either punimment 
 " brings them to themfelves, and then 
 " they are truly happy, or, if they 
 " complete their wretchednefs by de- 
 *' fpair, they prejudice! themfelves alone, 
 " and only pafs from one hell to another, 
 " from the temporal to the eternal. 
 
 * The bells are rung ufually againfl an approaching 
 ftorm. *' The bells are blefled, that the found of them 
 may incite the faithful to their heavenly reward, and 
 that the devotion of faith may increafe in them; they 
 are rung that the enemies' armies may run away that 
 the found of hail, the whirlwinds, the rains, the rufh- 
 ing of the ftorms, may be moderated that the winds, 
 
 thunders, and lightnings may be fufpended the 
 
 ftorming fpirits of hell confined," &c. Bluteau. 
 
 Thoe-
 
 FRIAR, GERUND. 255 
 
 " Therefore, my Ton, if thou thinkeft of 
 " embracing the religious ftate, thou art 
 " to know, that if thou {halt be good, 
 *' thou wilt live and die upon a perpetual 
 " crofs ; if thou malt be bad, thou wilt 
 " be ilill more tormented, and that on ei- 
 " ther fide a martyrdom, to be finished 
 " only with thy life, awaits thee. I have 
 " fulfilled my duty thou wilt now re- 
 " folve according to thy judgment ; with 
 " the afTurancei that if, notwithftanding 
 " the clearnefs with which I fpeak to 
 " thee, thou malt be determined to take 
 " this crofs upon thee, I, as thy father 
 " and thy godfather, for which I imme- 
 <( diately appoint myfelf, will do every 
 *' thing in my power, though I cannot 
 '* take it from thy {houlders, to make it 
 " as light and eaiy as it can be confident- 
 " ly with the obfervances of religion." 
 
 Anthony Zotes and the good Catania 
 were very attentive to the difcreet harangue 
 of the prudent and pious Provincial, and 
 were indeed rather tenderly affected by it, 
 infomuch that the latter found it necefiary 
 to wipe her e^es and her nofe; this with 
 the corner of her apron, and thole with the 
 lappets of her hood. But Gerund heard 
 it with the greateft ferenity imaginable, and 
 
 without
 
 256 The HISTORY of 
 
 without any attention at all, thinking only 
 how he was to play at leap-frog, when he 
 fhould be a novice, to cheat the butler, 
 and filch at leaft two allowances a-week, 
 and figuring himfelf in his imagination the 
 greateft preacher of all that region ; as he 
 afterwards confcffed that whilft the Provin- 
 cial was holding forth, he was framing in 
 his mind a difciplinant-exhortation againft 
 the time when lie fhould be appointed to 
 preach at Campazas in the Holy Week. 
 Another caufe of his inattention proceeded 
 from the rogue of a lay-brother, who, 
 ftanding behind the Provincial, but in full 
 view of Gerund, kept winking his eyes, 
 and nodding his head at whatever the holy 
 father laid a ftrefs on; as much as to fay, that 
 it was nothing but cant, and not worth his 
 notice. With which, as foon as the Pro- 
 vincial had concluded, the boy remained 
 refolute in his delire of being a friar, and 
 faid, that if others had pafTed through 
 thofe things, he alfo would pafs through 
 them, without giving any other reafon, 
 fmall or great. As they all faw him fo 
 refolved, it was determined that what was 
 thought of being done at fome future time, 
 fhouici be done immediately, for as he was 
 now fifteen years old he was of the belt 
 
 age
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 257 
 
 age to enter the profefllon : and thus with- 
 in two days the Provincial and his fol- 
 lowers, accompanied by Gerund, his fa- 
 ther, mother, and the licentiate Quixano, 
 his godfather, who would be at the ex- 
 pence of his entrance, went to a convent 
 of the order not far from Campazas r where 
 the Provincial inverted him with the habit 
 by his own hands in great folemnity, and 
 left him ftrongly recommended both to the 
 Prior of the convent, and the Matter of 
 the Novices, as his own particular and be- 
 loved charge. 
 
 VOL. I. S THE
 
 THE 
 
 HISTORY 
 
 OF THE 
 FAMOUS PREACHER 
 
 FRIAR GERUN D. 
 
 BOOK II. 
 
 CHAP. I. 
 
 His Noviciafe concluded, he begins ftudylng 
 arts. 
 
 NOW have we our Friar Gerund 
 fairly in the field, like a bull in 
 the lifts, a novice good and true as 
 the beft of them, without fufFering him- 
 felf to be outdone either in the pun&ual 
 performance of the exercifes of the commu- 
 nity, as he was very attentive to his duty, 
 or in the tricks which the lay-brother had 
 defcribed to him, when he could execute 
 them undetected, for he was clever, cun- 
 ning, and of wonderful dexterity of hand 
 
 and
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 259 
 
 and lightnefs of foot. Yet, as he loft no 
 opportunity of whipping a loaf or a com- 
 mons into his fleeve, and transfufed the 
 contents of a Jefus, or wine-cup, into his 
 ftomach in a trice, whenever he helped the 
 butler to put in order the refectory, or hall 
 of refrefhment, where the community took 
 their meals, it came to be fufpe&ed that 
 he was not altogether fo innocent as he 
 looked, and both the butler and the clerk 
 laid a complaint before the mafter of the 
 novices, that when Friar Gerund afiifted 
 in the refectory or at mafs, the wine 
 unaccountably vanifhed, and that in 
 turning their heads they found empty one 
 or two Jefufes which they fwore by God 
 and the holy crofs they particularly remem- 
 bered to have filled ; and that though they 
 had never caught him in the fact, yet that 
 (he thread leads to the ball, as we fay, that 
 they could guefs by a little what a great deal 
 meant; and that, before God and in their 
 confciences, they believed it could be no 
 other owl * which fucked the oil of thefe 
 lamps. 
 
 * There is a kind of owl in Spain and Portugal which 
 is very fond of oil, and will fuck dry any lamp it can 
 get at. 
 
 S.2 The
 
 The HISTORY of 
 The mafter of the novices was a good 
 foul, devout and pious to the laft degree, 
 and equally candid and fimple. If he faw 
 a novice go with downcaft eyes, with his 
 hood pulled over his head, his hands un- 
 der his fcapulary, of a fneaking gait and 
 creeping always under the wall, punctual 
 in all the acts of the community, (ilent, de- 
 vout, and even in his recreations fpeakingal- 
 waysof God and Chrifl- but what if he was 
 naturally modefl and ingenuous? If he afked 
 his leave to inflict upon himfelf extraordi- 
 nary penances and mortifications, though 
 he never did them ? If he was for ever run- 
 ning to him to communicate his fpiritual 
 concerns, and give him account of his feel- 
 ings and experiences in the mental prayer 
 or meditation that was enjoined him, ef- 
 pecially if there was any thing which 
 fmelt of imaginary vifion ? if, above all, 
 he came with a tone of charity, fcrupulouf- 
 nefs, and zeal, to tell him of the faults he 
 had remarked, which perhaps his malice 
 only had the ingenuity to difcover, in his 
 companions 'Twas enough, 'twas abun- 
 dant; the good matter could require na 
 more ; he would believe no ill of fuch a 
 novice, though declared to him by the bare- 
 footed
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 261 
 
 footed friars themfelves * ; and if any one 
 accufed him of any little trefpafs, he would 
 place it to the account of envy or emulation, 
 faying, with almoft tears in. his eyes, that 
 virtue, divine virtue, was perftcuted in the 
 verycloifters. The rogues of novices, though 
 for the moft part but mere boys, were 
 cunning enough to fee this weaknefs or 
 goodnefs of their mafter, and of courfe the 
 moft artful cheated him into the belief of 
 their being the greatefl faints. Our Gerund 
 was not behind-hand with the flyeft fox of 
 them all, but rather exceeded them in play- 
 ing his part in this farce ; and it was known 
 that he was the mafter's favourite, efpe- 
 cially as, befides his good appearance, dif- 
 (imulation, and affected fanGity and com- 
 pofednefs, he was adopted and fp frrongly 
 recommended by the provincial father ; for 
 though our mafter of the novices was a 
 fpiritual and myftic man, neverthelefs, to 
 the greater glory of God, and the greater 
 good of religion, he paid his court very de- 
 voutly to the ruling powers upon earth, 
 
 * A common expreflion to exaggerate the incredibi- 
 lity of a thin^ that it is not to be believed, though it 
 fhould be anerted by men of fuch approved truth and 
 virtue as the friars of the fevereft orders, who go bare- 
 footed, 
 
 S 3 and
 
 262 The HISTORY of 
 
 and would not have difgufted a grave father 
 for all the world. 
 
 With this difpofition of the mailer 
 it may well be fuppofed how ill the ac- 
 cufations of the clerk and the butler were 
 received. The bleffed man told them 
 that little truly did they know of bro- 
 ther Gerund, and that he could not con- 
 ceive with what confcience they could form 
 fuch ram judgments, and raife fuch falfe 
 teftimonies againft the angelic youth j that 
 if they did but know his real character, they 
 would think themfelves happy in being per- 
 mitted to kifs the ground he trod on ; and 
 that, if it was true that their wine was 
 miffing, without doubt it muft have been 
 the devil who perfonated him, and drank it 
 in order to difcredit him ; concluding with 
 telling them, that if the order had in it half 
 a dozen Friar Gerunds, this half dozen of 
 faints would in time become additional ob- 
 jects of adoration on the altars. 
 
 Now it happened that whilft the good 
 mailer was giving this lecture to the accuf- 
 ing brethren, the angelic youth pafTed (it is 
 not known whether by accident or from 
 any notice he had) by the buttery-door 
 which was flanding open, and feeing a 
 bafket of eggs, which lay lovely white and 
 fuing to be touched, he clapped half a do- 
 zen
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 263 
 
 zen of them into the bofom of his cafibck, 
 and with the greatefl modefty in the world 
 purfued his way towards the novice-apart- 
 ments, and went diredly to the matter's cell 
 to give him an account of what he had ex- 
 perienced in the meditation of the day. 
 He entered, as ufual, with his eyes nailed 
 upon the floor, his hood drawn a hand's 
 breath over his forehead, his hands in his 
 fleeves under the fcapulary, and conjuring 
 up a kind of fmiling blufli, (befriended ex- 
 cellently by the petty theft he had juft com- 
 mitted) which might feem to be the effect 
 of his fpiritual experiences. As foon as the 
 mafter faw him he renewed his wonted ca- 
 refTes, and made him (it down clofe by him; 
 then began the account of his meditation, 
 and then began the lies of his viiions and 
 communications, ftringing together as ma- 
 ny as he could invent, but all fo well con- 
 certed and with fo much grace and compo- 
 fure, that the mafter, good eafy man, not 
 able to contain himfelf, rofe from his feat, 
 and more and more to encourage this no- 
 vice, favoured of heaven as well as him, 
 gave him a moft ftricl: embrace. In an evil 
 hour did he give it; for as he fqueezed him 
 fo tightly in the Lord, he broke all the eggs 
 which the angelic youth had dcpofited in 
 S 4 his
 
 264 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 bis bofom, from whence a broad unbroken 
 ftream of yolks and white laced his garment 
 to the hem. The matter, aftonifhed and 
 confufed, cried, ""How now, Friar Ge- 
 rund, what is this ?" The devout young 
 man, who had much ferenity, and an 
 imagination ready as a woman's to bring him- 
 felf offwith flying colours on afudden pinch, 
 anfwcred without the lead emotion, " Fa- 
 ther, I will tell your Reverence. As it is 
 pow two months lince your Reverence perr 
 mitted me to take difcipline on my fhoul- 
 ders, not being any longer able to take it 
 on another part, wounds have enfued, for 
 which I had procured thefe eggs to make a 
 dreffing, and I dared not tell your Reve- 
 rence of it, left your Reverence mould de- 
 prive me of the comfort of this flight mor- 
 tification." The gudgeon of a mafter fwal- 
 lowed the hook, and, admiring at the 
 flupendous penances of his novice, em- 
 braced him again, but lefs clofely than be- 
 fore, that he might not grieve the wounds 
 upon his (boulders, or daub himfelf with 
 their intended dreffing ; and contenting 
 himfelf with mildly admonifliing him tha$ 
 t( mercy is better than facrifice," he dif- 
 iniiTed him with an order to go and change 
 his habit. 
 
 With
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 265 
 
 With fuch contrivances did our Gerund 
 pafs his noviciate, and make his profeffion 
 inoffcnfo pede, without a difTentient voice j 
 and as his habit-father was ftill in the pro- 
 vinciaKhip, he fent him at once to fiudy 
 arts in one of the moft refpedable convents 
 of the province, overleaping the ufual form 
 of his being firft a choiretter for two or 
 three years, which others, not fo power- 
 fully befriended, are obliged to pafs 
 through. 
 
 The lecturer or tutor at this convent 
 was a young man, fcarcely thirty, of a 
 middling genius, fufficient comprehenfion, 
 and happy memory, an hard ftudent, a 
 furious Ariftotelian, (from neverhaving read 
 any other philpfophy, and therefore never 
 fufFering any other to be mentioned,) and 
 an eternal difputer ; to which lafl quality 
 affifted a great volubility of fpeech, a clear 
 and ftrong voice, an admirable confiflency 
 of breaft, and a marvellous ftrength of 
 lungs; in fine, a fcholaftic fo elTentially made 
 up of profeffional phrafes that he neither 
 ufed, nor knew, any others to exprefs him- 
 fclf with on the moft trivial occafions. If 
 he were afked how he did, he would an- 
 fwer, materialitcr well, formaliter, fubdif- 
 tinguo, reduplicate} ut homo, nothing ails 
 
 me,
 
 266 The HISTORY of 
 
 me, reduplicative ut religiofus, I am not 
 without my troubles. His mother com- 
 plained once that he faid nothing in his 
 letters of his flate of health, to which 
 he replied, 
 
 " My good mother and lady, 
 
 " It is certain I did not tell you Jignate 
 " that I was well, but exercite, I faid it. 
 " I muft now inform you, that I am ex- 
 " plaining to my difciples, the tranfcen- 
 " dency, or intranfcendency of the being ; 
 " I affirm the analogy, and deny the tran- 
 " fcendency. Be fo good as to tell my 
 " fitter Rofe, that I rejoice me is well, 
 ' both ut quo and ut quod -, and that as to 
 ' the under-ftockings me was fo kind as 
 ' to make for me, the materia ex qua ap- 
 f< peared rather coarfe, but the artificial 
 " form has all its conftitutives. With re- 
 " gard to the four pounds of chocolate you 
 e were pleafed to fend me, I muft fay in 
 " rei vertfate, that the intrinjic qualities 
 <e are good, but that the accidental have 
 " ruined it, by its having been too long 
 " adled upon by the combujlive virtue of 
 ' igneous nature. I kifs your hands, and
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 267 
 
 ' am inadequate & partialiter your fon, 
 '* but totaliter G? adequate, 
 
 Your affectionate humble fervant, 
 
 FR. TORIBIO, 
 Ledurer of Arts." 
 
 Hence we may colled: the character of 
 the father lecturer, Friar Toribio, who in 
 argument beat every one out of the pit, 
 for with his loud voice, ready tongue, and 
 abundance of terms, there was no one who 
 could refift him ; and, therefore, he was 
 called The Scourge of the Schools. His 
 head was fluffed with appellations, amplia- 
 tions, alienations* equipolltnces, reductions, 
 and all the moft idle and ridiculous part 
 of what is taught in the Sumulas, ferving 
 only to wafte- time in learning a thoufand 
 ufelefs things. 
 
 With the fame exquifite tafte and good 
 choice, he gave his inftrudions in logic. 
 Though he knew very well, that this was 
 no other than an art to help natural reafon 
 to difcover the effence of things, yet the 
 devil a thing did he teach his fcholars con- 
 ducive to this end, but of the nine months 
 allotted for the courfe, fpent feven in rilling 
 their poor heads with confuted ideas, im- 
 pertinent reprefentations, and imaginary 
 
 figures :
 
 268 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 figures : in making them enquire if it con- 
 fifted in a fole habit, quality, or fcientific 
 facility, or in a complex of many corre- 
 {ponding to the variety of the logical acts ? 
 Whether it is a practical or fpeculative 
 fcience ? If inftrudtion in the rules is to be 
 diftinguimed from the ufe of them ? If its 
 object be a mere ens ratlonis, a thing en- 
 tirely feigned by the underftanding ; or a true 
 and real being, though purely intellectual ? 
 If artificial logic be fo neceftary to other 
 fciences that none can be attained, well or 
 ill, without it ? And thus of other proe- 
 jnial queflions, which could ferve no other 
 purpofe than to puzzle the boys' heads in 
 the moil ufelefs manner in the world. 
 
 Now this is, by way of comparifon, as 
 if a flioe-maker mould fpen^ a month in 
 teaching his apprentice, who was deiirous 
 of learning his trade, whether the foot- 
 furnifbing faculty were an art or a fcience, 
 and, if an art, whether it were mechanical 
 or liberal j another month in inftructing 
 him, if it was the fame thing to know how 
 to cut as to few, or if, for each of thefe 
 operations, there were need of an habit or 
 fcientific inflruction which might direct 
 them. " Sir, I want to learn to make 
 ihoes," " Peace, fimpleton ! How (hould'ft 
 4 thoq
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 269 
 
 thou learn to make them, unlefs thou 
 know if the object of the art be the real 
 /hoe which is drawn on the foot, or that 
 which is reprefented in the imagination as 
 the idea of what is afterwards to be 
 made ?" " Sir, I want not to make ima- 
 ginary {hoes, but fuch as are feen, felt, 
 and worn." " Thou art a blockhead I 
 Can'fl thou ever be able to make them, 
 without knowing whether the rules which 
 are given for the operation are, or are not, 
 different from the ufe and practice of 
 them ?" " Sir, what is it to me whether 
 they are or are not ? Do but give me thefe 
 rules ; for it is now four months I have 
 been in your houfe, without learning fo 
 much as one of them." " Well, idiot ; 
 and how fhould I give them to thee, or 
 how {hould'ft thou learn them, till 
 thou art fully inflructed that the art is part*- 
 ly practical, and partly fpeculative ? Prac- 
 tical, becaufe its end is to make well- 
 Ihaped and durable (hoes ; fpeculative, be- 
 caufe it is neceflary that the rules given for 
 it. mud firft direct reafon, which is after- 
 wards to direct the hands." " By my 
 faith, Sir, you are enough to provoke a 
 faint ; what does it fignify, in order to my 
 learning thefe rules, whether the art be 
 
 Platical
 
 270 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 Platical, or Peculative, or the Punk that 
 pupped me ?" 
 
 A pleafant thing which happened with 
 our moft fcholaftic father lecturer muft 
 not be omitted. A certain father mafter 
 of the fame order, a man of great erudi- 
 tion, and equally fkilled in folid and orna- 
 mental literature, feeing Friar Toribio fo 
 fcholafticated with thefe vain fophiftries, 
 and not able to beat reafon into that thick 
 fcull of his, faid to him one day in a ban- 
 ter, tf Then, according to you, Father 
 Lecturer, there could not be in the world 
 a more important queftion, than that 
 which was defended in Germany, Utrum 
 chimtera bomlnlians in vacuo poffit comedere 
 fccundas intentiones?" With wonder and 
 amaze was our moft metaphyfical Friar 
 ftruck at hearing it , and though there 
 was not, as he thought, any fyftem, of 
 Thomift, Scotift, Suarift, Okamift, No- 
 minalift, or Baconift, but what he had 
 turned over, he did not remember ever to 
 have read that queftion in terminis. He 
 delired the father mafter to repeat it ; and 
 remained fufpended for feme time, revolv- 
 ing the terms in his mind thoroughly to 
 underftand them, and after muttering to 
 himfelf two or three times, Utrum chim&ra 
 
 bombl-
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 271 
 
 bomblllans in vacua pojfit comedere fecundas 
 intent tones ? Utrum cbimcera, &c. he gave 
 a vehement ftamp upon the ground, and 
 burft out with, " By the holy habit which 
 I wear, I had rather have been the author 
 of this queftion, than immediately be made 
 a Prefentado *, and may I be confounded 
 in the next hall-exercifes -f-, if I do not 
 maintain the affirmative in a public aft !" 
 The rogue of a mafter heartily enjoyed the 
 extravagance of the fanatic ledurer, and 
 to complete the joke he was making of 
 him, faid, " You will do well, Father 
 Lecturer, you will do well -, and may you 
 die with the comfort of being intitled to 
 the epitaph made for one of like tafte and 
 genius to your paternity ! 
 
 Hicjacet Magijler nojler 
 )ui difputavit bii out ter 
 In Barbara & Celarent, 
 Jta tit omnes admirarent^ 
 In Fapefmo & Trifefomsrum 
 Orate pro animis eorum. 
 
 * A Friar is fometimes admitted to a degree in divi- 
 nity in the univerfities, and it is a great honour ; being 
 never done but upon their being prefented by their order 
 as qualified for or deferring fuch degree. Afterwards 
 they are called Maejlro prefcniado prefented mafter. 
 
 f In the original Sabatinas, the Saturday difputations, 
 at home, only in the common courfe of inflruclion ; in 
 contradiftin&ion to a public exercife before the commu- 
 nity. 
 
 6 CHAP.
 
 272 The HISTORY of 
 
 CHAP. II. 
 
 Friar Gerund continues Jludylng philofopby 
 'Without tinder ft an ding a word of if. 
 
 ' I A H E truth and nothing but the 
 i truth will I fay (for what benefit 
 \vould it be to the curious reader, that I 
 fhould damn my poor foul ?) The truth 
 is, that the more ftrenuoufly the incompa- 
 rable Friar Toribio endeavoured to incul- 
 cate thefe ufelefs fubtleties to his difciples, 
 the lefs did our Friar Gerund understand 
 of them 3 not that fufficient capacity and 
 quicknefs was wanting in him, but, as 
 his genius and inclination drew him fo 
 flrongly towards the pulpit, which appear- 
 ed to him the moft pleafing and lucrative 
 path, as well as moft likely to gain him 
 fame, fcholaftic matters were irkfome to 
 him, and he could not for his life apply 
 to the ftudy of them. Upon this account 
 it vvaspleafant to hear the confufed and ri- 
 diculous ideas he conceived of the tech- 
 nical terms. The Lecturer explained to 
 them the metaphyfical degrees of being* 
 
 fubftance,
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 273 
 
 fubftance, creature, body, &c. and though 
 he bawled till he was hoarfe in {hewing 
 them that every thing which exifls is a 
 being ; if vifible and palpable, a real, 
 phyfical, and corporeal being ; if invifible 
 and impalpable, as the foul, a true and 
 real, but fpiritual, immaterial, and incor- 
 poreal being ; if it has no other exigence 
 than what the imagination or underftand- 
 ing gives it, an intellectual, ideal, and 
 imaginary being ; yet, plain as the thing 
 was, it was all Algebra to Friar Ge- 
 rund ; for having often heard it faid in the 
 convent, that " fuch an one is a ftrange 
 being" he could never conceive by being* 
 any thing elfe than fome out-of-the-way 
 and ridiculous fellow : and thus, from the 
 explanation of the properties of being by 
 thole rules, whofe initial letters form this 
 barbarous word REUBAU, when he faw 
 any one of an extravagant turn, he 
 would fay, not without fome vanity of his 
 fcholaftic comprehenfion, " Ay, he is a 
 Reibau, as my matter explains it." 
 
 By the word fubftance, he never in his 
 life understood any thing but ftrong 
 chicken-broth ; [all ftrong broths are in 
 Spain called Subftances] becaufe he had 
 always heard his mother fay, when me 
 
 VOL. I. T had
 
 274 The HISTORY of 
 had a fick perfon in the houfe, " I mtrfl! 
 give him a fubftance;" and, therefore,, 
 he found himfelf the moft confufed mortal 
 in the world, the year that he fludied Na- 
 tural Philofophy. Falling to his lot to 
 argue this queftion, Whether fubjlancc is 
 immediately operative ? the Lecturer main- 
 tained the negative, which made poor Ge- 
 rund lofe the ftirrups of his reafon and his 
 patience too, thinking it the greateft abfur- 
 dity that could be maintained, and clearly 
 againft experience -,. and an argument had 
 offered itfelf to him, according to his ideas,' 
 demonflrable and conclufive for the con- 
 trary. He came then to the fchool, or. 
 difputing-hall, mod confidently armed 
 with his arguments, which he propofed in 
 this manner. " Chicken- brot/j is a true 
 fubjlance ; but chicken-broth is immediately 
 operative ) therefore fubjlance is immediately 
 operative." The Minor was denied, which 
 he proved thus, That which) a-dminiflered 
 in a clyjler, has an immediate effefi, is imme- 
 diately operative ; but chicken-broth admi- 
 nijlered in a clyjler t has an immediate effect j- 
 therefore chicken- broth is immediately opera- 
 the" The whole mufquetry of the fchool 
 kt fly a volley of loud laughter; the mi- 
 nor of this fecond fyllogifm was denied,. 
 2 and
 
 F R I A R G E R U N D. 275 
 
 and poor Gerund, enraged, what with the 
 laughter, and what with having a propofi- 
 tion which he thought as clear as the fun 
 at noon-day denied, rlies precipitately and 
 blindly, beyond all power of reftrainr, 
 from the fchool to his cell, calls for the 
 Infirmary-brother, or him who has care 
 of the fick, and defires to have immediate- 
 ly a clyfter of chicken-broth, if by good 
 fortune he had any prepared for the fick : 
 the Infirmary-brother, who faw him fo 
 difturbed, agitated, and inflamed, think- 
 ing, without doubt, that he had been 
 feized by a fudden and violent cholic, for 
 which he had heard it faid that chicken- 
 broth was an admirable fpecific, and judg- 
 ing that the intention might be anfwered, 
 though it were made of an old hen, of 
 which he had luckily fome by him, runs 
 with all fpeed to the kitchen appropriated 
 to him, and prefently prepares and admi- 
 nifters the clyfter : it has diredtly a pro- 
 digious effect upon Friar Gerund ; he fills 
 one of thofe large pans which are deftined 
 to fuch ufes, and without delay returning 
 to the hall, fays to his opponent and the 
 by-ftanders, with an air bet\veen triumph 
 and anger, " Now let them who have a 
 mind to fee whether chicken-broth has or 
 T 2 has
 
 276 The HISTORY of 
 
 has not an immediate effect go to my cell* 
 and there they will find the proof, and 
 then let them defend that fubftance is not 
 immediately operative !" 
 
 This affair put the finiming ftroke to 
 his difguft at every thing called Scholaftic 
 Learning. And though fome grave and 
 truly learned fathers, who loved him well, 
 endeavoured to perfuade him to dedicate 
 fome time to the ftudy of it, at leaft of 
 thofe matters, as well phyfical as metaphy- 
 fical, which were not only conducive, but 
 almoft abfolutely neceffary, to the under- 
 ftanding the mod important queftions of 
 divinity in all their parts, fcholaftic* expo- 
 fitive, dogmatic, and moral, without the 
 knowledge of which it was impoffible to 
 make a fermon without hazarding many 
 absurdities and herefies, it was not poffible 
 to convince him : nor, though he was fome- 
 timcs confined to bread and water, and 
 had even half-a-dozen flogging-bouts, 
 could he be brought to apply to what his 
 inclination did nor carry him, and efpe- 
 cially as there was in the houfe one who 
 affifled him in his error and perverfenefs. 
 
 It happened, that, for his fins, our 
 Friar Gerund was favoured with the no- 
 tice, and afterwards with the intimacy of 
 
 a
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 277 
 
 a Predicador Mayor * of the convent, a 
 coxcomb of about the fame {landing with 
 the Lecturer, but of very different ideas, 
 tafte, and character. This Father Predi- 
 cador Mayor was in the flower of his age, 
 juft turned of three-and-thirty ; tall, re- 
 butt, and corpulent, his limbs well fet and 
 well proportioned, with fomewhat of a 
 prominent belly, ftrait neck, and eredt 
 gait ; with his bit of foretop to his circle 
 of hair, which was ftudioufly and exadly 
 rounded ; his habit always clean, and the 
 folds long and regular, a neat moe, and, 
 above all, his filken fcull-cap adorned with 
 much and beautiful needle-work, an airy 
 taflel raifing itfelf in the centre, all the 
 happy labour of certain bleffed Nuns, who 
 
 * Greater Preacher. Predicador Mayor 13 Predica- 
 dor Sabatino, are two orders of preachers ; the -former 
 fignifying, as the word exprelles, the Superior, and 
 the latter (the Saturday Preacher) confequently the in- 
 ferior, as thofe, who, on account of their age or abili- 
 ties, are not fit to be produced upon great and very pub- 
 lic occafions, but may ferve for a Saturday, or unim- 
 portant day, when few people attend. 
 
 As the Predicador Mayor here mentioned is a diftin- 
 guilhed perfonage, and has a confiderable (hare in the 
 remaining part of this hiftory, his refpnant Spanifh 
 title, the accent being upon the laft fyllable of each 
 word, fhall be preferved to him, as it is more expref- 
 five of the greatnefs of the man than any tngliih term 
 could with propriety be applied. 
 
 T 3 were
 
 278 The HISTORY of 
 
 were dying for their Father Predicador 
 Mayor. In mort, he was a moft gallant 
 fpark; and, adding to all this a clear and 
 fonorous voice, fomething of a lifp, a par- 
 ticular grace in telling a fiery, a known 
 talent at mimickry, eafy and free action, 
 a particular and taking manner, a roaring 
 flyle, and boldnefs of thought, without 
 ever forgetting to well fprinkle his'fer- 
 mons with tales, jefts, proverbs, and fire- 
 iide phrafes, moft gracefully brought in, 
 he not only drew multitudes after him, but 
 bore the bell in all conversations of the 
 ladies. 
 
 He was one of thofe polite preachers 
 who never cite the holy fathers, nor even 
 the facred Evangelilts, by their proper 
 names, thinking that this is vulgar. St. 
 Matthew he called T^he Hiftorian Angela 
 St. Mark, 7'be Evangelic Bull-, St. Luke, 
 rfbe moft divine Brufh ; St. John, Tibe Eagle. 
 of Pa twos ; St. Jerom T'be Purple of Belen ; 
 St. Ambrofe ; T^he Honey-coinb of Doffors ; 
 and St. Gregory, 'The Allegorical 'Tiara. 
 It is not to be fuppofed that in naming a 
 text he would tell you (imply and natu- 
 rally the Gofpel and chapter from whence 
 he took it ; no, that he thought was 
 enough to brand him for a Sabatine 
 
 preacher j
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 279 
 
 preacher j it was well known that he would 
 -always fay, Ex Evangelica leftione Mat thai 
 'uel'Johannis caplte quarto -de cimo, and fome- 
 time^, for a more fonorous collocation of 
 words, quarto-dectmo ex caplte. But, to 
 fail putting the two firft fingers of his 
 fight-hand, with a foppifh air, between 
 his neck and the collar of his habit, as if 
 to eafe his refpiration, to fail making a 
 couple of affedted toffes of the head, whilft 
 he was prapofing his fubjeci, and at finifh- 
 ing the propofiflg it to give two or three 
 little jumps as it were, or rifings upon his 
 toes, and puffing out both his cheeks, in 
 .confequence of a deep-fetched breath, by 
 \vay of clearing the paffage, and looking 
 difdain on little folks below, to break 
 forth in a certain guttural noife between a 
 Sneeze and a neigh j to be moft nicely 
 trimmed and fpruced up whenever he had 
 to preach, .flattening his circle of hair and 
 raiting the foretop, and directly after mak- 
 ing, or not making-, his private ihort eja- 
 culation as foon as he entered the pulpit, to 
 draw airily out of his left fleeve a yard-wide 
 filk handkerchief of a vivid colour, and 
 fliake it at full length, to blow loudly the 
 Crumpet of his nofe, though nothing mould 
 ome from it but wind, and return the 
 f 4 hand-
 
 280 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 handkerchief to his fleeve with regular 
 harmonious paufes, to caft around him a 
 haughty glance, heightened with a little 
 frown, and make a beginning with ," Be- 
 fore all things blejjed, praifed t glorified be 
 the holy facrament" &c. and conclude with 
 ff In the primitive inftantamous being of his 
 natural animation'. No ! The Reverend 
 Father Predicador Mayor would not have 
 omitted a tittle of all thefe things, though 
 St. Paul himfelf had flrenuoufly maintain- 
 ed that they were all, to fay the leaft of 
 them, fo many evidences of his not hav- 
 ing a grain of gravity, a drop of devotion, 
 a crumb of confcience, a morfel of mar- 
 row, or a pinch of penetration. Yes ; 
 perfuade him to it if you could ! When he 
 law as plain as the nofe in your face, that 
 with this preliminary apparatus alone he 
 drew large concourfes, gained loud ap- 
 plaufes, won hearts for himfelf, and that 
 there was not a circle, vifit, or party, in 
 which the laft fermon he had preached 
 did not become the topic. 
 
 It was well known to be a favourite 
 maxim with him to begin his fermon al- 
 ways with fome jeft, or fome proverb, or 
 ibme wine-houfe witticifm, or fome em- 
 phatic or divided claufe, which at firft 
 
 fight
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 281 
 
 fight fhould feem blafphemy, impiety, or 
 madnefs ; and after having kept the audi- 
 ence for a while in expectation, he would 
 finifh the claufe, or come out with an ex- 
 planation, which terminated in a mifer- 
 able infipidity. Preaching one day upon 
 the myftery of the Trinity, he began with 
 this period, " / deny that there is in God 
 unity of efjence and trinity of perfons j" and 
 there he flopped. The hearers began to 
 look at one another as if fcandalized, or 
 at leaft fufpended, waiting for the iffue of 
 that blafphemous herefy. And when our 
 preacher thought he had caught them, he 
 proceeded with the poornefs of adding, 
 " 'Thus fays the Arlan, the Manic bean, 
 the Socinian ; but I flail prove it agalnft 
 them byfcripturc, by councils, by fathers'* 
 
 In another fermon upon the Incarnation, 
 he began in this manner, " To your health's* 
 gentlemen /" And as all the audience laugh- 
 ed ready to fplit their fides (for he faid it 
 as a merry Andrew would) he added, 
 " There is nothing to laugh at ; for, to 
 your healths, and mine, and the healths 
 of all, did Jefus Chrift come down from 
 Heaven, and was incarnate in the bowels 
 of the Virgin Mary. It is an article of 
 faith. I prove it ; propter nos homine. 3 
 6 propier
 
 the HISTORY of 
 
 fropter noftram falutm defcendlt de c^elis Gf 
 incarnatus eft" At hearing this they were 
 all ftruck with pleating furprize, and fuch 
 a murmur of applaufe, with complacent 
 noddings, ran round the church as wanted 
 but little of breaking out into public ac- 
 clamation. 
 
 There was in the place a (hoemaker, 
 an eternal wit, and a buffoon by profeffion ? 
 whom the people called " The Scourge 
 of Preacher?," becaufe in the affair of fer- 
 mons his voice was dccifive. If he faid of 
 a preacher, " A brave Cock ! A famous 
 Cock ! An excellent Grower J" the father 
 might talk what nonfenfe he would, for 
 he was fure of having the preaching of the 
 principal fermons in the place preffed upon 
 him, including that of the Feaft of Shep- 
 herds, and that of St. Roque, at which 
 there were fleers to be tilted at, and a bull 
 to be killed *. But if the moemaker 
 
 * So great is the attachment of tiie Spaniards to then- 
 favourite fport of bull-fighting, that upon occafions of 
 feflivity in places where they cannot get bulls to be 
 fought, or to be run, as their phrafe is, (correr taros) 
 they are content, rather than not have fomething that 
 may bear a refemblanee to a bull-fight, to run poor 
 innocent fteers. Sometimes too, when they can rife to 
 the having a bull to run, they cannot afford to facrifice 
 the bull to the fport ; they entertain themfeives, there- 
 fore, with him for a while and fpare his life, that he 
 
 may
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 283 
 
 turned up his nofe, and at the end of the 
 fermon, faid, " A Chick I A mere Embryo ! 
 He may do in time j" though the preacher 
 fhould have been the great Vieyra himfelf, 
 in his very identical identity, he was not 
 to hope to preach in that parifh again, 
 not even the poor iermon of St. Sebaftian, 
 which was worth only a cake, a quart of 
 hypocras *, and two quarter- of- a-pound 
 foils of fmall wax-candle. This formid- 
 able Cenfor of fermons, then, was fo 
 pleafed with thofe of the father Friar Bias, 
 which was the name of the Predicador 
 Mayor, that he could Icarcely find expref- 
 lions ftrong enough for the praife he me- 
 rited ; he called him " The Cock of Cocks, 
 T'he numb plufo fultry of Pulpits; and, in 
 (hort, *he Orator by Anthony Mejia /" 
 \non plus ultra> Antonomajia.] And as this 
 ihoemaker had much deference paid to his 
 opinion in his own town, and even all the 
 neighbourhood around, he inconceivably 
 credited Friar Bias by his applaufe, and 
 
 rnny be run another time. But in the prefent cafe, to 
 fhew the magnificence of this feftival of St. Roque, it 
 is faid that there were not only fteers to be run, which 
 would diverfify and prolong the entertainment, but 
 there was likewife to be a Toro de muerte^ a bull to be 
 irun, and run till he was killed. 
 * Wine with fugar and fpice*. 
 
 was
 
 284 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 was a grand means of rendering incurable 
 his folly, vanity, and madnefs. 
 
 A grave, religious, learned, and judi- 
 cious father, who had been Provincial of 
 the order, and afterwards retired to that 
 convent, pitying equally the deplorable 
 error of the preacher, and the prejudicial 
 fimplicity of the applauder, charitably un- 
 dertook, if he could, to cure them both. 
 And as the day after the famous fermon on 
 the Incarnation, the fhoemaker (who 
 worked for the convent) brought him home 
 a pair of flioes, and as he was fitting them 
 on, began, with his ufual impertinent prat- 
 tle, to extol the yefterday's fermon, think- 
 ing at the fame time to flatter his Reve- 
 rence by praifing a Friar of his order, 
 the good father Ex-provincial laid hold of 
 the opportunity, and taking out his fnuff-- 
 box, and giving Martin (as the fhoemaker 
 was called) a pinch, bad him fit down by 
 him, and looking him in the face, faid, 
 with the greateft goodnefs in the world, 
 " Come, come, Martin, what do'ft thou 
 underftand of fermons ? Why do'ft thou 
 fpeak of that thou do'ft not understand, 
 nor art capable of underftanding ? If thou 
 knoweft not how to write or read, or 
 fcarcely to ipell, how fliould'ft thou know 
 
 who
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 285 
 
 who preaches well or ill ? Tell me, if I 
 were to fay to thee that thou didft not 
 know how to cut or to few a fhoe, and that 
 any one of thy trade would do it better, 
 would'ft thou not reply with reafon, " Fa- 
 ther, let this alone, for you do not under- 
 fland it ; mind your books and leave us 
 with our awls and our ends ? Now, whe- 
 ther a fhoe be ill or well cut or fewed, any 
 one may know who is not blind. If then 
 a fcholar and preacher would do ill in cen- 
 furing, and much worfe in giving rules for, 
 the performance of a flioemaker, is it fuf- 
 ferable that a flioemaker mould take upon 
 him to cenfure, and give rules for the per- 
 formance of a preacher ? Look ye, Martin, 
 the utmoil that thou can'fl know and 
 judge of is, whether the -preacher be tall 
 or fhort, ftrait or crooked, a regular or 
 fecular, fat or lean, fearful or bold, of 
 much or little adlion, or a loud or a low 
 voice, for in order to this there is need 
 only of eyes and ears ; but in going farther 
 thou not only expofeft thyfelf to fay a 
 thoufand abfurdities, but alfo to praife as 
 many herefies." 
 
 " Bravo ! bravo ! Moft Reverend Fa- 
 ther; (cried the flioemaking buffoon) and 
 why does not your Reverence add your 
 
 " Grace
 
 286 The HISTORY of 
 
 " Grace and Glory," your Doxy 
 that your fermon may have its due and 
 legitimate ending ? According to this your 
 Reverence muft account that gallant en- 
 trance which the Father Predicador Mayor 
 gave to his fermon on the Mofi Holy Tri- 
 nity, " / deny that there is in God Unity 
 of Effence and Trinity of Perforts, an He- 
 refy." " And one of the mod fcandalous 
 herefies that could be heard in a Catholic 
 pulpit," anfwered the grave and learned 
 Religious. " But if the Father Friar Bias 
 prefently added (replied Martin) that it 
 was not he who denied it, but the Harry- 
 Ann, the M.acchabean, and the Bus-Onion , 
 or fome fuch thing, who we know were 
 all a pack of heretic dogs, what Herefy 
 o' my fins did the good Father Predicador 
 fay, but merely relate that faid by thefe 
 Jews, Turks, and Infidels ?" The Reve- 
 rend Ex-provincial fmiled, and, without 
 changing his tone, replied mildly, " Tell 
 me, Martin, if any one fhould roundly 
 come out with a l r oto-a-Chrijlo *, and 
 after a paufe'fhould add Valillo, will he 
 
 * / vow to Chrijl; one of (the mod common oaths 
 amongfl the Spaniards, to which FaltHo ferves as a fort 
 of falvo, like " I \vas going to fay," " I had like to 
 have faid," God forgive me," &c. 
 
 not
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 287 
 
 hot neverthelefs ftill have fworn an oath?' 
 " Certainly, (aniwered the moemaker) for 
 fo I have heard the Theatines fay an hun- 
 dred times when they come to million * 
 our fouls for us. And 'ifaith they are in 
 the right of it; for the Valltto which fol- 
 lows comes too late # ; 'tis, as the proverb 
 fays, like breaking a man's head and giving 
 him a plafter." " This then is literally 
 the cafe (proceeded the good Father) with 
 regard to this fcandalous proportion and 
 others like it, blurted out by many addle- 
 pated preachers : flap cornes the herefy or 
 abfurdity and breaks the heads of their 
 poor hearers, which is what they aim at, 
 thinking it wit, and afterwards come the 
 lint, plafler, and bandages to bind them 
 up. So that the whole jut of the bufinefs 
 confifls in advancing boldly a proportion 
 that may alarm and offend (and the more 
 Shocking it is fo much the better) and 
 then giving an explanation which makes 
 it turn out a moft wretched futility. Doft 
 
 * In the time of Lent marry preacTiers go about from 
 town to town, inveighing vehemently againft fin, and 
 ftrenuoufly exhorting to repentance, which is called 
 going upon a Miflion : hence any fermon of more than 
 ordinary Zeal and Fervour 13 commonly termed a Mif- 
 iion ; and the fhoemaker here ludicroufly makes a verb 
 of it. 
 
 thou
 
 288 The HISTORY of 
 
 thou not think, Martin, even fuppofing 
 that the herefy may be thus excufed that: 
 at lead there can be no excufe for the folly 
 and the madnefs ?" 
 
 " I don't underftand Tology," anfwered 
 the fhoemaker ; " what I know, is, that as 
 to the beautiful entrance of the fermon of 
 yefterday, " 70 your healths. Gentlemen," 
 neither your Reverence nor all the whole 
 Turpentine or Tridentine Council (hall 
 ever make me believe that there was any 
 herefy in that, for he proved it clearly by 
 the Creed, propt-her no-Jiraw Jalute-him 
 as-fent-it d'ye feal-us, which put us all in 
 amazement." " In this (replied his Re- 
 verence) there was certainly no herefy : 
 but pray tell me, Martin, in what confid- 
 ed the point or the acutenefs which fo 
 much amazed you ?" " In what ! (faid 
 Martin) why can there be greater acute- 
 nefs in the world than to begin a fermon 
 as if one was going to drink an health ; 
 and when all the audience were laughing, 
 thinking he was going to lug out a flagon 
 of wine for us to pledge him, to throw 
 a pail of cold water on us all with a text 
 that fitted fo finely that it could not be 
 more pat, an 'twere painted for the pur- 
 pofe." " Hearkee, Martin, (faid the good 
 
 Father
 
 F R I A R G E R U N D. 289 
 
 Father calmly) when a fot begins preach- 
 ing at the tavern what is it ufual to fay 
 of him r" " Why, fuch an one (replied 
 Martin) we brothers of the bottle call an 
 Accomplished Sot, one pad all hopes of 
 recovery ; fcr it is well known that your 
 drunkennefi which comes in the myftical 
 or apoflolical way, your religious drun- 
 kennefs, is incurable." " Well now, 
 look'ye, my good man j if the ftrongefl 
 mark of the inveterate folly and drunken- 
 nefs of a fot is to talk at the tavern as 
 preachers talk in the pulpit, what wit, 
 grace, pleafantry, or acutenefs can it be 
 for a preacher to ufe in the pulpit fuch 
 phrafes as fots ufe at the tavern ? And 
 thefe preachers does Martin praife ! Thefe 
 does he applaud ! Go to, thou filly man, 
 where is thy reafon ?" " Father Mailer 
 (anfwered the convinced and angry (hoc- 
 maker) I have not fludied Logics nor Flou- 
 rimes ; but ftill I fay, What founds to me, 
 founds to me t and by that I'll abide. Your 
 Paternity is of this opinion and others are of 
 the contrary, and yet they are of the fame 
 fluff, and, in truth, no little folks nei- 
 ther. The world is full of Envy, and 
 even the Cloifters are not very empty of 
 it. Long live my Father Friar Bias, and 
 VOL, I. U good
 
 290 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 good morrow to your Reverence, for I 
 am going to carry a pair of fhoes to the 
 butler." 
 
 Scarce was Martin departed from the 
 cell of the Father Ex-provincial when 
 Friar Bias prefented hirnfclf in it, to take 
 leave of his Reverence, as he was going 
 the next 'morning to a town four leagues 
 off to preach on occafioa of the colloca- 
 tion of a Retabh, or ornament for the 
 altar. As the fubject upon which he had 
 been talking with the fhoemaker was frefh 
 and full in the mind of the Ex-provincial, 
 and as the good man, as well for the 
 honour of religion as for the fake of the 
 Father Predicador himfelf, (whom he real- 
 ly loved, but grieved over hirn to fee him 
 fo misapply talents, which, managed with 
 judgment, might be very valuable) was 
 very defirous of having an opportunity of 
 making him fenfible of his error, and 
 thinking the prefent a very fit one, he faid 
 to him direclly as he faw,him, <e I am 
 forry, .Father Predicador, that you did not 
 come a little fooner, that you might have 
 heard a converfation I was holding with 
 Martin the flioemaker, and who cut it off 
 by taking himfelf away when I was widi- 
 ing to profecute it." " I would lay a 
 
 wager
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 291 
 
 wager (anfwered Friar Bias) that it was 
 about preaching, for he talks of nothing 
 elfe, and in truth he is a good judge. 
 " Of a (hoe he may (replied the Ex-pro- 
 vincial) but of a fermon I know not how 
 he fhould." " Why (faid Friar Bias) to 
 know who preaches well or ill there is 
 need only of having eyes and ears." 
 " Then thus all who are not blind or 
 deaf may be as good judges as the moer 
 maker ?" " But there are fome, (Friar 
 Bias obferved) who have not fo good eyes 
 or fo good ears as others." " That is to 
 fay, that in order to judge of a fermon 
 there is need of no more than to fee how 
 the preacher acts, and hear how he feels 
 it ?" " No, our Father, there is need of 
 no more." <{ So then according to this, 
 in order to be a good preacher there is 
 need of no more than to be a good, 
 player ?" " Concedo confequenttarn," faid 
 the very fatisfied Friar Bias. 
 
 " And is it poffible that a chriftian 
 orator and fon of my Father St. N. wear- 
 ing his holy habit, can have the confidence 
 to advance a proportion like this! Pray 
 now, Father Predicador Mayor, what is 
 the end which a chriftian orator (hould 
 propofe in all his fermons ?" " The end, 
 U 2 our
 
 292 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 our Father, (faid Friar Bias with a pert 
 readinefs) which every orator, chriflian and 
 not chriflian, mould propofe, is to gratify 
 his audience, to give pleafure to all, and 
 to conciliate their favour ; that of the 
 learned, by the abundance of decline, by 
 the multitude of citations, by the variety 
 and the choice of the erudition ; of the 
 decreet, by wit, acutenefs, and equivoque; 
 of the polite, by a ftyle pompous, elevat- 
 ed, altifonant, and of the rhumb; of the 
 vulgar, by things fuited to their concep- 
 tion, by proverbs, coarfe jefts, and fmart 
 little tales, brought in with opportunity 
 and told with grace -, and, in fhort, of all, 
 by freedom and eafe of manner, by gefture, 
 voice, and a<ftion. I, at leaft, in my fer- 
 mons propofe no other end, nor to attain 
 it do I avail myfelf of other means j and 
 truly it does not fucceed ill with me, for 
 there is never wanting in my cell a pinch 
 of good fnufF, or a cup of rich chocolate, 
 there are two changes of white linen, it is 
 well provided with fiafks, and finally my 
 little drawer is never without a few dou- 
 blons for a cafe of neceffity. I never go 
 out to preach but I bring home an hun- 
 dred mafles for the convent and as many 
 more to divide amongft half a dozen 
 
 friends.
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 293 
 
 friends. There is no fcrmon of confe- 
 quence in all the country for which I am 
 not applied to, and to-morrow morning I 
 go to preach at the Collocation of the 
 
 Retablo at , the Majordomo of 
 
 which told me that the allowance for the 
 fermon was a doublon of eight crowns *." 
 
 Scarcely could the religious and learned 
 Ex-provincial refrain from tears when he 
 heard a difcourfe fo foolifb, fo frantic, and 
 fo impious from the mouth of that poor 
 Friar, filled rather with prefumption and 
 ignorance th;:n true wifdom; and, com- 
 paffionating his error, and inflamed with 
 an holy zeal for the glory of God, the 
 honour of the order, and the good of fouls, 
 in all which that miftaken Religious might 
 be very ferviceable if he iliould employ his 
 natural talents better, he was anxious to 
 try if he could convince and undeceive 
 him. He rofe from his feat, locked his 
 cell on the infide that no one might inter- 
 rupt them, took the Predicador Mayor by 
 the hand, led him into his ftudy, fet him 
 down in a chair, feating himfelf in another 
 juft by him, and, with that authority to 
 which he was intitled by his hoary locks, 
 
 * Six and thirty (hillings feeding. 
 
 U 3 his *
 
 294 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 his venerable age, his learning, his vir- 
 tue, his employments, his credit and his 
 eftimation in the order, fpoke to him in 
 the following manner. 
 
 CHAP. III. 
 
 grave and learned difcourfe of the 
 Father Ex-provincial '. 
 
 ' T AM aftoniftied, Father Friar Bias, 
 " JL at what I have juft heard you fay, 
 " to that degree that I am even now 
 * f doubting whether my ears deceive me 
 " or whether I dream what I hear. Much 
 " indeed did I fear on hearing you preach 
 " lately, and carefully watching all your 
 " motions, before you mounted the pul- 
 " pit, whilft you were in the pulpit, and 
 " after you had defcended from the pul- 
 " pit, that in your fermons you propofed 
 " no other end than that of vanity, ap- 
 " plaufe, and intereft i but this fear was 
 " no more than a fudcicn thought, which I 
 " would not fuiTer to amount to a fufpicion 
 " left it might border upon ram judgment. 
 "But, alas! I now fee from what you 
 
 have
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 295 
 
 " have juft faid that I exceeded in charity 
 " and candour. 
 
 " So then the end that fhould be pro- 
 ff pofed by an orator, chriflian or not 
 " chriflian, is to gratify his audience, to 
 " catch at applaufe, gain credit, and make 
 " a purfe, folicitoufiy endeavouring after 
 " little pitiful accommodations ! When I 
 " hear this, I no longer wonder that the 
 " Father Predicador fhould difpofe him- 
 " felf to afcend the pulpit as a player dif- 
 " pofes himfelf to make his appearance 
 " upon the ilage, much fhaved, much 
 " fpruced, much toupeed ; with a glofly 
 " cloak, his befl habit, plaited fkirts ; 
 " new, nice, curious fhoes; one handker- 
 " chief of a finking colour, another white, 
 " long, fine, lefs for wiping off the fvveat 
 " than for making an oflentation of what 
 " a Religious, who formally and folemnly 
 " profefTes humility, poverty, and modeily, 
 " fhould be aDiamed. A truly apoftolic 
 " preacher, who would afcend ths chair 
 " of the holy fpirit with no other view 
 " than to enamour his hearers with the 
 " beauties of piety and virtue, and efficaci- 
 " oufly excite them to an abhorrence of 
 <c fin, would blufh at the thought of thefe 
 " afFecled ornament:, as ajfurdly incon- 
 U 4 '" fiftenj.
 
 296 The HIS TOP. Y of 
 
 " fiftent with his miniftry as his ftate : but 
 " he who afcends it in order to profane it 
 " by fuch indecent, and I muft add fuch 
 te facriligious ends, neither can nor ought 
 " to avail himfelf of other means! I 
 " would not be underftood to fay that a 
 ' ftudied flovenlinefs is laudable in a 
 " preacher; I only maintain that an affected 
 " curioufnefs in drefs is mod: ridiculous; 
 " and there is no man of judgment who 
 tf would not look upon that Religious as a 
 " madman, who is lefs careful in competing 
 " his fermon than in competing his habit 
 " and his hair, as if he thought that the 
 " delicate fprucenefs of his perion could 
 " atone for the filthy groflhefs of his per- 
 " formance. In a word, my good father, 
 " he who thus adorns himfelf to preach 
 ** gives it fufficiently to be underftood that 
 *' he endeavours not to gain fouls to God, 
 " but to conquer hearts to himfelf. He 
 " does not go up fo much to preach as 
 " to gallant it, and plays the part of a 
 " poor crazy wretch rather than a real 
 " orator. 
 
 * f The end of a real orator, facred or 
 " profane, mould be always to convince 
 " the underflanding and to move the 
 c< will, whether it be to embrace fome 
 
 " truth
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 297 
 
 *' truth of religion, if the orator be a fa- 
 " cred one ; or to take fome juft and ho- 
 " nourable determination, if he be a pro- 
 " fane one. The Father Predicador never 
 " can have found, nor will he ever find, 
 " that a profane orator, be he as profane 
 " as he will, ever propofed to himfelf any 
 *' other end. This alone is what Demoft- 
 " henes, Cicero, and Qutntilian propofed 
 " to themfelves in their orations, directed 
 " all to fome laudable and honeft end, 
 " fome to preferve the Republic, others to 
 " inflame the mind againft tyranny, thefe 
 " to defend innocence, thofe to reprefs 
 ** injuftice, many to implore mercy, and 
 " not a few to excite all the feverity 
 " of the laws againft the daringnefs of 
 " infolence. Had it been difcovered, or 
 " but furmifed, that any one of thefe 
 " famous orators had no other end in his 
 " declamations, than to make himfelf 
 " heard with pleafure, to allure the favour 
 " of the people, to difplay the trimnefs or 
 " the majefty of his garb, his graceful 
 " manner, his elegant action, his fonorous 
 " voice, his feeling of the affections, the 
 *' pompous redundance of his words, and 
 *' the acutenefs or falfe brilliancy of his 
 <( thoughts' -Had it been underftood that 
 
 ' their
 
 298 The HISTORY of 
 
 " their harangues were directed to no other 
 " end than to iblicit applaufes, to conquer 
 " hearts, and to make money, they would 
 " have become the objects of the laughter, 
 " of the contempt, and even of the indig- 
 " nation of all the people. And if any 
 " had gone to hear them, it would certain- 
 " ly not have been in order to be perfuad- 
 " ed by them as by orators, but to be di- 
 " verted by them as by mountebanks and 
 " pantomimes, by puppets and by players. 
 " For, in {hort, my Father Predicador, the 
 " orator is no other than the man dedicat- 
 " ed by his profeffion to inftrucl other men, 
 " and make them better than they are. 
 ' And, let me afk you, will they be made 
 " better by him, who as foon as- he fhews 
 " himfelf in the pulpit, (hews too that he 
 " is as much fubjecl:ed as the vileft of his 
 *' hearers, to the loweft of the human 
 " pafilons ? Will be make the vain and 
 " proud man humble, who in all his words 
 " and actions breathes nothing hut vanity 
 " and prefumption ? Will be corred: the 
 " diforder of profane ornaments and cof- 
 " metics, who prefents himfelf in the pul- 
 " pit (to the very utmoft limits of what 
 " his profeffion will admit) a beau ? Will 
 " be extirpate the paffion of avarice from 
 
 the
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 299 
 
 " the breads of others, who is known to 
 " make a traffic of his miniftry, who 
 " preaches for intereft, and canvafles and 
 " buftles for functions of the greateft pay ? 
 " Finally, whom will be pcrfuade, that 
 t we ought to pleafe God alone, who con- 
 " fefles that even in his fermons he has 
 " no other end than to pleafe men ? 
 
 " I beg the Father Predicator would 
 " tell me, if the apoftles had propofed this 
 " adulterate end in their difcourfes, by 
 " what means would twelve ruftic and 
 " grofs men have converted the whole 
 " world ? He will fay, perhaps, that God 
 " fupplied the means. And who has told 
 " him that God would not fupply them 
 " now likewife, were we to preach with 
 " the fpirit with which the Apoftles 
 " preached ? He may reply, that thofe 
 '* were other times, and very different 
 " from our own. But what would my 
 " Father mean by this ? If he means that 
 " the Apoftles preached to barbarous, un- 
 " cultivated, ignorant idiots, who were to 
 *' be convinced by any thing and in any 
 *' manner, he will mew that he is more 
 " verfed in books of wretched conceits, 
 " which fome call preachable, and I call 
 f intolerable and contemptible, than in 
 
 ' hiftory
 
 3 oo The HISTORY of 
 
 " hiftory facred and profane. Does he 
 " know that the world was never more 
 " cultivated, than when God fent his 
 " Apoftles to it ? Is he ignorant that there 
 " were then remaining, and continued for 
 " fome time, the precious reliques of the 
 " golden age of Auguftus, in which Chrift 
 " was born, and in which all the arts and 
 " fciences, efpecially oratory, poetry, phi- 
 " lofophy, and hiftory, flourifhed more 
 " than in any other ? Our age indeed pre- 
 " fumes, whether with or without reafon, 
 " to be more enlightened than any other; 
 " and it cannot be denied, but that in 
 " fome particular faculties and arts, difco- 
 " veries have been made that were un- 
 " known to the preceding ones. Never- 
 " thelefs, in thofe which the ancients cul- 
 ' tivated, the famous queftion upon their 
 " fuperiority to the moderns, has not yet 
 " been decided by the critics , and let the 
 " Father Predicador know, that though 
 " the arguments urged on each fide are 
 " very weighty, yet the number of votes 
 " for the former, exceeds beyond compa- 
 " rifon all thofe that can be counted for 
 " the latter. Let him now fee if the peo- 
 " pie the Apoftles preached to and con- 
 " verted were uncultivated, ignorant, and 
 
 " bar-
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 301 
 
 c barbarous, when there is fo much room 
 " for difputing if they did not excel us 
 " in comprebenfion, in genius, in good 
 " tafte, and politenefs. 
 
 " He may anfwer, that upon this very 
 t( account the Apoftles converted only the 
 " lowed poople, the mere vulgar and idiots. 
 " Another miftake which fprings from the 
 " fame principle. I defire the Father 
 " Predicador would do me the favour to 
 " tell me, if Cornelius the Centurion was 
 " of the vulgar ? If the eunuch of the 
 " queen Candace was of the vulgar ? If 
 " Saint Dionyfius the Areopagite was an 
 " idiot ? If Saint Juftin the Martyr was a 
 " poor ignorant? If Saint Clement Alex- 
 " andrinus was of the loweft people, and 
 " Saint Linus and his parents Herculanus 
 tc and Claudia, both of the moft illuftrious 
 " families of Tofcany ? If fo many Ma- 
 " giftrates, fo many Princes, fo many 
 " Kings as the Apoftles converted in their 
 " refpe<ftive provinces, were of the loweft 
 " people and the mere vulgar ? A preacher, 
 " who mould but take the Ihort and ne- 
 " celTary trouble of reading the lives of 
 " the Saints on whom he preaches, could 
 " never ftill into fuch an error j but how 
 " Hiould he not fall into this and others of 
 
 " jftill
 
 302 The HISTORY of 
 
 " ftill groffer ignorance, when it often 
 " happens that he who has the leaft know- 
 " ledge of the Saint that is preached upon 
 " is the very preacher himfelf, making it 
 " his pride to take fuch abftracled fubjects, 
 " that one and the fame fermon may ferve 
 " for St. Liborius, for St. Roque, for St. 
 " Cofrne, for St. Damian, for the Virgin 
 " of Sorrows, and, upon a pinch, for the 
 " Bleffed Souls in Purgatory ? 
 
 " But if the Father Predicador fhould 
 ".chance to mean that thofe firfl ages of 
 " the church, though they were not lefs 
 " informed, yet were lefs corrupted 
 " than our own, and confequently that it 
 " was not fo difficult to reduce them to the 
 " truth of the Gofpel by clear, natural, 
 " naked, and fimple arguments, he will 
 * be guilty of another piece of ignorance 
 " that cannot in conference be forgiven 
 " him. What, were thofe times lefs cor- 
 " rupted than ours, in which vices were 
 tf adored as virtues, and virtues abhored 
 " as vices ! Times in which impurity re- 
 " ceived incenfe in Cytherea, ebriety ado- 
 " rations in Bacchus, and robbery facrifices 
 " in Mercury ! Times, in which an adul- 
 " terous Jupiter, an inceftuous Venus, an 
 " ufurping Hercules, and a thieving Cacus 
 6 " were
 
 F R I A R G E R U N D. 303 
 
 " were formal objects of devotion ! Times, 
 *' in which Vanity was called Greatnefs of 
 " Heart ; Pride, Elevation of Spirit; 
 " Haughtinefs, Magnanimity j Ufurpation, 
 " Heroifm ; and, on the contrary, Mo- 
 ts defty, Referve, Moderation, and Retire- 
 " ment, were treated as a lownefs of mind, 
 " and a littlenefs, not only ufelefs but 
 " pernicious to fociety ! 
 
 " But I will not ftraiten him fo much ; 
 " I will not make a comparifon between: 
 our age and the firft age of the church, 
 " but content myfelf with comparing our 
 c times with thofe in which the Paduas, 
 " the Ferreres, and the Villanuevas flou- 
 " riflied. Let him tell me if there is- 
 *' much difference between our manners^ 
 " and thofe, of the times I fpeak of? If he 
 " knows any thing of hiftory, he muft ne- 
 " ceflarily anfwer, that if there is any dif- 
 ' ference it is in drefs, in famions, in the 
 " greater perfection of languages, and in 
 ' fome cuftoms purely accidental and exte- 
 " rior ; for as to the reft, there then reign- 
 * l ed, as there now reign, the fame man- 
 " ners, the fame pafllons, the fame incli- 
 " nations, the fame vices, the fame difor- 
 t( ders, only that indeed they were more 
 " fcandalous in thofe times than in thefe. 
 
 " Not-
 
 3 o 4 The HISTORY of 
 
 " Notwithftanding, what portentous, what 
 " innumerable converfions were made in 
 " them by thefe faints ! What a train did 
 " they draw after them whenever they 
 " went out to preach, whole cities and 
 " entire provinces being depopulated to 
 " hear them. And did they preach them- 
 " fehes ? Did they in their fermons pro- 
 " pofe no other end than to gain applaufe 
 ." and admiration, to fill their pockets, and 
 " make a noife in the world ? They did 
 .' indeed make a great one, but was this 
 " what they aimed at ? And did they at- 
 *' tain it by means fo improper, fo inde- 
 " cent> fo unworthy, and I muft again 
 " add fo facrilegious ? 
 
 " Methinks I can hear the Father 
 Predicador fay inwardly, This may 
 " be fo ; but I fee that I attain it by the 
 " means I ufe, for I likewife make a noife 
 " in the world, I am followed, I am ap- 
 " plauded, I am admired. Very good. 
 " And what does he infer from this ? That 
 " he preaches well ? That he knows even 
 " what he preaches ? O how bad a 
 " confequence ! He makes a noife ; fo 
 < likewife do a company of (Irollers 
 *' when they come into a town. He 
 tf is followed ; fo likewife is a mounte- 
 
 " bank?
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 30$ 
 
 " bank, a buffoon, a puppet- (Kew-man, 
 " and an Harlequin, when they {hew their 
 " dexterities to the people. He is ap- 
 tf plauded ; but by whom ? By thofe who 
 " Men to a wretched fhoemaker ds to an 
 " oracle, and thofe who celebrate a 
 " preacher as they would a player. The 
 " people are all admiration when they hear 
 " him ; but at what ? The filly, at his 
 " hardinefs and gefticulation; the wife, at 
 " his felf-fatisfaction and his folly. 
 
 " Good now, Father Predicador, who 
 " has told you that the admiration of the 
 " multitude is the daughter of defert ? 
 *' Very frequently, not to fay mod times, 
 '* it is the daughter of ignorance in the 
 " admirers. The vulgar generally admire 
 " what they do not underftand ; and 
 " know, Father, that in all clalTes of men 
 " there is much vulgar. You may have 
 " read or heard of that famous orator, 
 " who, haranguing before all the people 
 ' and hearing amongfb them, in the mid- 
 " die of his oration, a kind of joyful mur- 
 " mur which bordered upon acclamation, 
 " turned to a friend who flood near him, 
 *' and aiked him with furprife, "Havel 
 '" faidany thing abfurd, for this popular ap- 
 " pla.ufe can proceed from no otherfource?" 
 
 VOL, I, X " Even
 
 306 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 " Even Cicero hirnfelf, who by no means 
 " defpifed applaufe, diftrufted it if it was 
 " too frequent, thinking that, as it was 
 " not poffible always to deferve it, adula- 
 " tion or ignorance muft necefTarily have 
 '* part in it. " I like not in my orations to 
 " hear, Excellent I Admirable! too often 
 * f Belle et Praclarl nimiumfape nolo" 
 
 *' Admiration is even more equivocal 
 " than praife ; this muft always be directed 
 " to the good and folid ; that may, keep- 
 " ing within its fphere, be limited pre- 
 " cifely to the iingular and new; for the 
 " object of admiration is not the good, 
 " but the rare. And therefore a French 
 " Jefuit fays judicioufly, and much to our 
 " prefent purpofe, that '* there may hap- 
 ""* pen, and doe's often happen, to be a 
 " kind of paradox in fermons, that is, that 
 *' the audience may juftly admire certain 
 " parts of it which are contrary to judg- 
 '" ment and reafon ; and hence it proceed^ 
 '" that very frequently the very thing is a 
 ** little afterwards condemned, which had 
 " at firft been praifed." The Father Pre- 
 " dicador may often have obferved it. The 
 *' hearers fiand liftening to the fermon^ 
 <c each transformed into a lively image of 
 " Attention herfelf with open mouth, en- 
 
 *' raptured
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 307 
 
 " raptured by the graceful prefence of ths 
 " preacher, by the elegance of his action, 
 " iy the fonoroufnefs of his voice, by 
 " what they call the elevation of his %le f 
 ' by the chopping of his fentences, by the 
 " vivacity of his expreffions, by his feeling 
 " of the affections, by the acutenefs of the 
 " objections he candidly allows to his po- 
 " fitions, and the beautiful manner in 
 " which he extricates himfelf by their fo- 
 " lution, and by the falfe brilliancy of his 
 " thoughts. During the fermon not one 
 " of them ventures to move, to fHr, to 
 " fpit, nor even to draw his own breath 
 " rudely, left he mould lofe fome delicious 
 * c particle of the preacher's. After the 
 " fermon is over, it is all approving nods, 
 " all murmurs, all figns and geftures of 
 " admiration. At coming out of the 
 " church, it is all knots and rings of men, 
 " and in them all eulogy, all exaggeration, 
 " all aflonimment. " Such a man as 
 " this !" " What a tongue he has !" 
 " Such a wonderful genius !" 
 
 " But what follows ? Some intelligent, 
 *' mature men, of good criticifrn and found 
 "judgment, who heard the fermon and 
 " fufTered not themfelves to be blinded, 
 " not able to fuffcr that to be applauded 
 X 2 " which
 
 3 o8 The HISTORY of 
 
 '* which ought to be abominated, drop 
 " firft one thing and then another, till 
 '" they arraign every part of which the 
 " fermon was compofed, and make it ap- 
 " pear evidently that the whole was a 
 " woof of impropriety, ef ignorance, of 
 " folly, of poornefs, or to fay the leaft 
 t that can be faid, of futilities. They 
 " fhew with all clearnefs that his ftyle, 
 " inftead of being an elevated one, was 
 " nothing but a fwoln, bombaftical, fef- 
 < f quipedalian rant, made up of leaves 
 " without any fruit ; that his affected ca- 
 " dences are as inconfiftent with good 
 " profe as full and numerous fentences, 
 " but void of meafure, are to good verfe; 
 " that this kind offtyle caufes laughter, or 
 " rather loathing to thofe who know how 
 " to fpeak and write ; that the expreffions 
 ts which are called lively, were only of 
 " noife and bawling ; that fuch a method 
 " of feeling and expreffing the affections, 
 ' was that which is proper rather to a 
 " player than a preacher, laudable on the 
 " flage but infufFerable in the pulpit ; that 
 " the objections were fuch as would never 
 " enter into any but his own idle head,. 
 " and the folutions of them as arbitrary as 
 *' futile ; that the thoughts were all to be 
 
 " reduced
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 309 
 
 tc reduced to little, colloquial, juvenile 
 " fayings, jingling and playing upon words, 
 " and poetical conceits without marrow or 
 " folidity ; that in all the fermon there was 
 " not to be difcovered a grain of oratorical 
 " fait, as it had not the moft diflant ap- 
 " pearance of a methodical and arranged 
 " difcourfe, nothing of concatenation, no- 
 " thing of connection, nothing of ratioci- 
 S nation, nothing of the pathetic; in fhort, 
 " that it was an untied befom, a parcel 
 " of little quaint conceits fpread abroad, 
 '* trifling thoughts fcattered here and 
 " there, and that this was the fum and 
 " fubilance of the whole bufmefs. So that, 
 " all things well confidered, there was 
 " nothing to admire or to applaud in our 
 " preacher but his voice and action, his 
 " prefumption and meft reverend Coram 
 " yobis *. They who hear judicious, pe- 
 '* netrating men, well-informed in the 
 " fubjecl, talk in this manner, recover 
 " from their miftake and know their error, 
 " whence the preacher who in the morn- 
 " ing was admired, in the afternoon is 
 " looked upon as a Zany ; the compaf- 
 
 * Jocularly ufed for a good prefencc, or a prefence 
 of gravity and dignity. 
 
 X 3 " iibnate
 
 3 io The HISTORY of 
 
 ts fionate behold him with pity, the rigid 
 " with contempt. 
 
 " I would wifh for no better proof of 
 " this truth than the very fermons of the 
 " Father Predicador. How much was 
 " celebrated, how much was admired that 
 " famous entrance of the fermon on the 
 " moll holy Trinity / deny that there is 
 " in God unity of ejjence and trinity of per-* 
 " fons ? How much was admired, how 
 " much was extolled the other of the fer- 
 " mon on the Incarnation To your healths, 
 " gentlemen ? What rivalry for extrava- 
 " gance in the eulogies plentifully poured 
 *' forth on each of them upon finishing the 
 <f functions ? But how long did this praife 
 " and admiration laft ? So long only as 
 ' fome zealous, prudent, and charitable 
 " man delayed opening the eyes of the 
 " hearers, that they might know that the 
 *' firft proportion had been a moft fcanda- 
 *' lous herefy, and the fecond a deplorable 
 ' fottillinefs ; or that at leaft, when mend- 
 *' ed with their faving claufes, they had 
 ' turned out two miferable infipidities, 
 (< For the firft is reduced to the faying that 
 *' many heretics have denied the myfteryof 
 ?* the holy Trinity ; behold what an exqui- 
 ** file information ! And the fecond, when
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 311 
 
 " we have fqueezed out all its fubftance, 
 
 "amounts to no more "than to fay that 
 
 " Chrift, or the divine Word, became in- 
 
 " carnate for the falvation of men ; what 
 
 " a delicate and new difcovery ! As foon as 
 
 " the hearers faw thefe things in their 
 
 '* right light, they were afhamed of what 
 
 " they had a little before admired ; and I 
 
 " know very well that it was fo given to 
 
 '< be underflood to the Father Predicador, 
 
 <f on the very afternoon both of the Tri- 
 
 '* nity and the Incarnation, if he had been 
 
 '* pleafed to underftand it. For going tq 
 
 *' vifit his female penitents *, as is his cu'f- 
 
 *' torn on the days he preaches, to collect 
 
 " the plaudits of the drawing-rooms -f, 
 
 " a certain young lady told him, on that 
 
 " of the Trinity, " Jefus ! Father Predi- 
 
 ff cador, God forgive you for the fright 
 
 " you put me into by the beginning of 
 
 f< your fermon ! I was really afraid that the 
 
 4t Commiffary of the Holy Office would 
 
 " have filenced you, and carried you 
 
 " from the pulpit to the inquiiition !'* 
 
 * Thofc to whom he is father confefTor. 
 
 t In the original Los Eftradss, the rooms adorned 
 with carpetting, &c. in which ladies receive their vifi- 
 ters. Tea tgble^ could the expreflkm be allowed, would 
 be the correiponding Englifh idiom. 
 
 X 4 I know
 
 3 i2 The HISTORY of 
 
 *' I know likewife that another lady faid 
 * c to him on the afternoon of the Incar- 
 *' nation, " When your Reverence began 
 < your fermon this morning I thought I 
 " was afleep and dreaming, and that 
 " inftead of having carried me to church 
 f * they had carried me to the tavern." 
 " They were both delicate ilrokes of fa- 
 " tire, and well deferved ; but as the Fa- 
 t( ther Predicador has an happy knack of 
 " converting all to aliment, he was tickled 
 ?' at the witty praife and exulted in his 
 " fuccefs. 
 
 " This is what the Father Predicador 
 " gains, even from thofe perfons who are 
 " no otherwife enlightened, than by a 
 " tolerable fhare of moral fenfe to be 
 " contemned by them, and efteemed as 
 " he deferves. Thofe who are more cul* 
 " tivated, thofe who have fome tincture 
 "of good tafte, and above all, thofe who 
 " look not with indifference on fo ferious 
 " and facred a miniflry of Religion, can- 
 " not exprefs the grief they feel to fee it 
 " fo profaned in his mouth, and their 
 " companion at the unhappy mifapplica- 
 " tion'of talents, which, managed as they 
 " ought to be, might be very ferviceable 
 ^ to the good of fouls, to the glory of 
 
 " God,
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 313 
 
 " God, to the honour of our Holy Order, 
 " and to the folid and real reputation of 
 " the Father Predicador. He cannot 
 " doubt the particular inclination I have 
 " always manifeftcd for him ever fince he 
 '* was my novice; the rigours from which 
 ** I freed him when I was the fuperior of 
 " his convent, and the eftimation in which 
 " I held his endowments when I was his 
 " Provincial; fince it was I who firft fet: 
 " him in a confpicuous place, appointing 
 " him to one of the pulpits moft fought 
 " after of any in the province. He mud 
 " remember the paternal letter which I 
 " wrote to him upon this occafion, ftrong- 
 " ly recommending to him that he would 
 " juflify my confidence, and avoid giving 
 " caufe for my being infulted by thofe 
 " who cenfured this election, without 
 " doubt becaufe they knew him better 
 " than I did; that he would preach Chriffc 
 " crucified and not preach himfelf, or at 
 " lead that he would preach with piety 
 " and judgment, if he (hould not have the 
 *' fpirit to do it with zeal and fervour. I 
 " proteft to him that I feel not fo much 
 " remorfe from any of the many injudici- 
 !' ous things I did in my Provincialmip, 
 " though I call God to witnefs that I did 
 
 " them,
 
 3H The HISTORY of 
 
 *< them all with the beft intention as 
 * from having made the Father Friar Bias 
 " a Preacher, entrusting the converfion of 
 " fouls to one who thinks of nothing lefs 
 " than of converting them, and who (hews 
 " there is fo much neceffity even for the 
 ' converfion of his own. / gave him to 
 *' be known in the world, when it would 
 " have been better for him to have been. 
 " kept in the folitude of the cloifter and 
 " the retirement of the choir. / was the 
 " unhappy occafion of his being made 
 " giddy by the applaufe of fools, and pre- 
 t cipitated by his vanity into the contempt 
 " f wife men. I know it, I bewail it, 
 " but now I cannot remedy it ; fince I fee 
 ." with unutterable grief that even within 
 " the community there are not wanting 
 *' defenders, panegyrifts, and fomenters of 
 " his vanity and madnefs ; fome from the 
 " want of knowing better, fome from 
 " adulation, fome few from intereft, and 
 *' the greateft part from fuffering them- 
 " felves to be drawn down the infectious 
 ** ftream of cuftom, guided folely by the 
 " ihoutings of the fenfelefs multitude. 
 
 ' Amongft the laft I reckon thofe poor 
 " youths, ftudents of this houfe, in Phi- 
 " lofophy and Theology, to whom ufl- 
 
 " fpeakablc
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 315 
 
 " fpeakable damage is done by the ex- 
 " ample of the Predicador. They fee him 
 " applauded, celebrated, fought for, fa- 
 " voured with prefents, and abounding 
 " with conveniencies ; they hear the Fa- 
 " ther Predicador himfelf making a pue- 
 " rile oftentation of them, valuing himfelf 
 ' much upon the harveft he reaps from 
 " the field of the Verbum Dei > extolling 
 " the utility and the reputation of his 
 " profeffion, whilft he makes a mock of 
 " that of the lecturers and matters, the 
 " tutors of the order, whom he treats as a 
 " poor, pitiful, beggarly, for-god's-faking 
 " crew, and when he is pleafed to be very 
 " witty, as cameleons who live upon the 
 " air of their ergoes, having their cup- 
 " boards as void of chocolate as their 
 " heads full of impertinent queftions. 
 "What follows? why, they conceive an 
 " horror at fcholaftic ftudy, fo neceflary 
 " to the underftanding the myftcries and 
 (t the points of faith, and to the avoiding 
 " fo many abfurdities as are laid both on 
 " one and the other by the Father Predi- 
 *' cador ; they give themfelves up to the 
 " reading volumes of ufelefs, wretched 
 *' fermons, or to the tranfcribing fuch un- 
 f< fubftantial, ridiculous, and even pernicious 
 
 * ones
 
 3i6 The HISTORY of 
 
 '* ones as thofe of the Father Friar Bias ; 
 (< thev make him their model, copying 
 " even his gefture and a<flion, without ad- 
 " verting that what may appear well when 
 " it is natural, becomes rifible and con- 
 " temptible in imitation. This is the 
 " milk they are fed with, and afterwards 
 " they turn out to be the diverfion of the 
 "vulgar, the admiration of the ignorant, 
 c< the fcorn of the judicious, the grief of 
 s( the compaffionate and pious, the (hame 
 " of the order, and fometimes its fcourge 
 " and torment. 
 
 t( We all fee it in that poor, fimple, in- 
 " toxicated Friar Gerund. His fimplicity 
 " on the one hand and the Father Predi- 
 t cador on the other are both concurring 
 " to ruin him completely. Though he 
 " does not want talents, by which in time 
 *' he might approve himfelf a ferviceable 
 " man, yet I fee plainly that he will give 
 " us caufe to more than blufli for him. 
 " He cannot fo much as bring himfelf to 
 " ftudy a conference, or apply to the un- 
 *' derftanding of a queftion, and looks with 
 " horror on fcholaftic learning, idly em- 
 " ploying himfelf in reading printed fer- 
 " mons and tranfcribing the manufcripts 
 " of Friar Bias; for I am told that he is 
 
 ^ fcarcely
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 317 
 
 cc fcarcely ever out of his cell, that he has 
 " there full leave and licence to breakfaft, 
 " to take his afternoon's refrefhment, and 
 " to wafte his time; that the Father Pre- 
 " dicador is continually imbuing him with 
 " all his maxims, and even infecting him 
 " likewife with all his affections and dif- 
 " affections, not only to the great hin- 
 " drance of his good education, but to the 
 " great detriment of charity and fraternal 
 " and religious union. 
 
 " Therefore if my dear Father Predica- 
 
 " dor has any love for our holy Mother 
 
 " the community, if he has any zeal 
 
 " for the falvation of the fouls which Jefus 
 
 " Chrifl redeemed by his moft precious 
 
 " blood, if his own folid and real reputa- 
 
 " tion deferves any regard, I conjure him 
 
 " by that moft precious blood of Jefus that 
 
 " he will change his conduct: Let the end 
 
 " he aims at in his fermons be more 
 
 "noble, more chriftian, more religious, 
 
 " and very different will be his difpofi- 
 
 " tion ; let him preach Chrift crucified 
 
 " and not preach himfelf, and he certain- 
 
 " ly will not beftow fo much pains on the 
 
 " affected adorning of his perfon; let him 
 
 *' feek no other intereft than that of fouls, 
 
 " Da mihi ammas, cat era talk tibi, and I 
 
 6 " am
 
 i8 The HISTORY of 
 
 *' am confident he will preach in another 
 ** manner; let him not be folicitous for 
 * appkufes but converfions, and he may 
 " T>e atfured that he will not only procure 
 " the converfions he is anxious for, but 
 " the applaufes alfo for which he is 
 " unanxious, and thefe of an order 
 " much fuperior to the popular and vain 
 " praifes, in which he at prefent finds fo 
 " many charms. Above all I charge, 
 " intreat, I befeech him, that if he make 
 '* no account of what I fay, and obftinate- 
 " ly perfevere in the miftaken courfe he 
 " has hitherto purfued, at lead he will 
 " not be the teacher of erroneous doctrioe, 
 " form a pernicious fchool, and imitate 
 " the dragon which with his tail drew 
 " after him the third part of the ftars of 
 " heaven. Let him tremble at that dread- 
 " ful denunciation of worfe than the mill- 
 f< ftone and the fea againft thofe who 
 " mall offend who (liall occafion the fall 
 " of the little oues; and let him not at- 
 ** tribute the charitable, private, and pa- 
 ' ternal admonition I now give him to 
 " impertinence, prefumption, or the pee- 
 " viflinefs of age, bat let him look upon 
 " it as the ftrongeft proof of that real love 
 '* for him which I ingenuoully profefs." 
 
 C H A P.
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 319 
 
 C H A P. IV. 
 
 Of what pajjed afterwards between tit 
 Predkador Mayor, and Friar Gerund. 
 
 WITH the moft folemn attention, 
 and without betraying the leafl: 
 token of impatience, did Friar Bias receive 
 the long fermon driven into him by the 
 Reverend Father Ex-provincial, and fuf- 
 fered the difcharge of all his (hot with 
 fuch continence, that any one would have 
 fworn that he had been convinced, per- 
 fuaded* and already changed into another 
 man : for, fays the legend of the order, 
 he liflened to him with a grave coun- 
 tenance, with downcaft eyes, with his 
 hands under his fcapulary, with his body 
 inclined forward in humble poflure, ap- 
 plying the left ear a little as if not to lofe 
 a fyllable, without fneezing, without fpit- 
 ting, and even without pulling out his box 
 and taking a pinch of fnufF all the time 
 that the miffiou lafted. And now the 
 good Ex-provincial was inwardly applaud- 
 ing himfelf upon the happy conqueft; now 
 a thoufand times fortunate did he think 
 i the
 
 320 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 the hour in which he had determined to 
 fpeak to him with fo much refolution and 
 clearnefs j and now was he about to throw 
 his arms round his neck and give him a 
 thoufand congratulations, upon his having 
 at laft opened his eyes to the light of rea- 
 ibn when he faw fhe good Predicador 
 look up upon him ferenely, draw his hands 
 from under his fcapulary, reft his right 
 elbow on the arm of the chair, rub his 
 hand round his chin, then put it into his 
 fleeve, pull out his fnufF-box, give two 
 deliberate taps upon the lid, open it, take 
 a pinch, and fixing his eyes fleadily in his 
 face fay with great compofure, " Has your 
 paternity done?" " Yes, I have done." 
 *' Then, our Father, let me tell you a 
 ilory. 
 
 " A crazy fellow was prefent at a fermon 
 preached in a certain Miffion upon the 
 univerfal judgment. A truly fervent and 
 apoftolic zeal was exerted by the Miffion- 
 ary, who left his audience fo flruck, and 
 imprelTed with awe, that even after the 
 fermon was finimed there was no noife or 
 motion for fome time. The crazy fellow 
 availed himfelf of this compunctious li- 
 lence, and bawled out, " Gentlemen, all 
 " that the Father Miffionary has told us 
 
 " about
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 321 
 
 ' ( about judgment, and judgment, and judg- 
 " ment, without doubt ought to be foj but 
 " nondum venit bora mea, and I maintain the 
 " contrary with the moft learned Barradas." 
 ' Has your Paternity any commands to 
 Cevico de la Torre, for I go early to-mor- 
 row morning ?" And without waiting for 
 any reply he rofe from his chair, opened 
 the door, and went away to his cell- 
 In which he was waited for by his be- 
 loved Friar Gerund, who betides being an 
 eternal admirer of the madnefs and abfur- 
 dities of Friar Bias (which of itfelf would 
 have been a fufficient reafon for his being 
 much efteemed by him) was a plump, 
 tight little Friar, of a good countenance, 
 and very orderly in his manners and de- 
 portment, which made him much carefled 
 not only by the Father Predicador Mayor, 
 but in general by all the grave Fathers of 
 the houfe, amongft whom there was even 
 a kind of jealoufy and competition which 
 fhould make moft of him. They ufed 
 to fend him from the upper table fruit, 
 and other extraordinaries, when they wexe 
 allowed only to the feniors, and not to the 
 Collegiate Fathers \ upon which account 
 he was envied, watched, and abufed by 
 the latter, efpecially as he grew infurFer- 
 VOL. I. Y ably
 
 322 The HISTORY of 
 
 ably vain upon the favour of their Reve-*' 
 rences, and pradifed many tricks and 
 artifices to prefer ve and enereafe their 
 fondnefs j and then the horror which he 
 entertained for all fcholaftic learning af- 
 forded them many occafions of laughing at 
 and mortifying him, which were by no 
 means loft upon the young rogues the 
 ihidents. But Friar Gerund did not mind 
 it ; endeavouring at all adventures to cul- 
 tivate the predilection of the ruling pow- 
 ers ; and amongft them all he had the 
 greatefl veneration and attachment to the 
 gallant, the airy, the elegant, and the 
 judicious Father Predicador Mayor, which 
 however he concealed as carefully as pof- 
 fible from the reft. 
 
 As foon as Friar Bias entered the cell 
 he told Gerund all that had puffed with 
 cur Father, gave htm an abftract of his 
 llrmon, mimicked his voice, gefture, and 
 manner, criticized his words, and laughed 
 at and defpifed the whole, treating him as 
 an old Grey-beard, Mumpjimus, Codger, An- 
 tidiliroian, with fuch other complimentary 
 titles -, and in the end, faid, " as the inif- 
 iion has lafted fo long, my boy, I want to do 
 a certain affair, and fo with thy leave," 
 he retired to the alcove, drew the curtain, 
 
 did
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 323 
 
 did what he wanted to do, and, the func- 
 tion finished, told him, " Thou know'ft I 
 go to-morrow morning to Cevica de la 
 Torre, to preach the iermon of St. Bene- 
 dict in his hermitage on the hill; it is afo- 
 l.emn devotion of the place, it is now the 
 Feftival of Flowers *, there is a pilgrim-^ 
 age, and a doublon of eight crowns is to 
 be paid for the fermon. Firft of all take 
 thefe fweetmeats (and he filled his fleeve 
 with fome he took out of a box) let us 
 flint the door that we may not be difturbsd 
 by any of their mule-headed reverences, 
 and fit thee down, for thou malt hear one 
 of the beft fermons I ever made in my 
 life, 
 
 JJ?; The title and fubjed, The Science of 
 Ignorance in the ivije Ignorance of -Science" 
 " Stop, Father Predicador," dire&ly inter/- 
 rupted Gerund, " fay no more, for this 
 alone inchants me. This trick- track, this 
 playing and ringing the changes upon the 
 words, in which your Paternity couches 
 the fubjccfts of almoft all your fermons, is 
 a thing that quite ravimes me. 'fhe Science 
 of Ignorance in the wife Ignorance of Science ! 
 O, a finer thing could not have been faid ! 
 
 * One of the names for Eaflcr, becaufc at that time 
 the flowers appear. 
 
 Y 2 In
 
 324 The HISTORY of 
 
 In truth I do not very well underftand what 
 it fignifies; but what founds to me, founds 
 to me ; and let it fignjfy what it will, it is 
 a great thing." " It fignifies no other, 
 replied the Predicador, than what St. Paul 
 fays, " That the fcience of the faints is 
 " true wifdom, and that the wifdom of 
 " this world is true ignorance and folly/' 
 " What, does it fignify no more than 
 that?" " No." " But, God defend me ! 
 who would have thought it ? Any other 
 than your Reverence would have faid fim- 
 ply that St. Benedict knew what was necef- 
 lary for him to know, and was ignorant of 
 what was unneceflaryj and in this manner, 
 though every one would have underftood 
 it, it might be faid too by every plough- 
 man. But to propofe fo common a thing 
 with the fpecial air that your Paternity 
 propofes it, no man in the world has the 
 grace. Let the other fubject declare it, of 
 the fermon you preached two months ago 
 at the chapter for the election of Convent- 
 officers, The Election of Rettitude, for the 
 Rettitude of Election. Sooner than I {hall 
 forget that fubjedl I mall forget my own 
 name. But now we are talking of it, 
 won't your Reverence explain the con- 
 ception to me ? for, to fay the truth, I did 
 
 not
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 325 
 
 not thoroughly penetrate it : It feemed to 
 me, I confefs, to be faying, that in order 
 that the ele&ion (hould be right, it was 
 abfolutely neceflary there {hould be a right 
 election. But this, it is clear, your Pater- 
 nity could not mean, for it would have 
 been one of Pero Grullos truths *. " Peace, 
 fimpleton, (replied Friar Bias diredly) for 
 it is clear that I meant to fay nothing elfe; 
 and there was the cream of the jeft, to 
 fay a Perogrullada in fuch a manner that 
 it mould feem to be a thing of another 
 world. If thou wilt call to mind the 
 clear, perfpicuous, and brilliant manner in 
 which I fet off this proportion in order to 
 introduce my difcourfe, thou wouldeft fee 
 clearer than the fun at noon, what I meant 
 to fay." " As I am a chriftian," faid 
 Gerund, " I don't now remember it, 
 though I have the fermon in my cell, as 
 your Paternity knows I diredtly tranfcribed 
 it." " Then I will refrem thy memory 
 with it, as I have it ftrong in mine." 
 
 * Pero Grul/o's truths are felf-evident things formally 
 aflerted ; called fo from fome fimpleton of that name 
 who thought himfelf mighty wife in making difcoveries 
 of things known to all the world. One of thefe truths 
 is faid to be, that it is cuftomary for men, Comer for la 
 boca y cagar por el culo to eat with their mouths. 
 
 From the proper name is formed the fubftantive 
 Perogrullada^ which fignifies one of thefe truths. 
 
 3 "The
 
 326 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 " The Salutation being ended, (for that 
 was wine of another cafk, as we fay) I 
 began my fermon with this apofirophe to 
 the Sacrament which flood open to the 
 view, Amoroiijly wife doft thou offer thyfelf, 
 Sovereign Sacramented Monarch, as the 
 Majier and Director of this Chapter. Note, 
 by the way, the fuitablenefs of calling 
 the Sacrament the prefident of the chapter, 
 and tell me if any one could have hit on 
 this ? I then added, For the moft exaft 
 rectitude of election, thn augujl Sacrament 
 offers to the electors vital light : a peremptory, 
 and conclufive proof, Ego fum panis vita., 
 Obferve that of pants vita for vital light, 
 But as the electors were many, and each 
 had a life, good or bad, as is befl known 
 to God, for it does not belong to us to 
 fcrutinize other people's lives, and as the 
 text fpoke only of one life, vita, it was 
 neceflary to have one which mould fpeak 
 of many : I found it as complete as I could 
 wifh in the Syriac, which reads, Panis 
 vitarum. Now then we have the Sacrament, 
 the bread of many lives : but forafmuch as 
 thefe lives might be the lives of ehorifters, 
 butlers, clerks, and junior Friars, who have 
 no vote in the chapter, and as I had need 
 precisely of a Sacrament which fhould be 
 4 the
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 327 
 
 the bread of the lives of the Capitular Fa- 
 thers and electors, here was my happinefs 
 arad fkill ; I found it exactly as I could de- 
 fire in Zacharias, in Tyrinus, in Meno- 
 chius, and in Lyra , for the firft calls the 
 Sacrament Frumentum FJefforum, the fe- 
 cond Panem Elefforum, the third Frumen* 
 turn Eleflorum, and the fourth fays, Fru-> 
 mentum Eletforum eft Corpus ChriJH confe~ 
 a atu?n pane frumenti" 
 
 " Why, your paternity is a very devil, 
 or at leaft has a familiar," interrupted Ge- 
 rund, notable to contain himfelf, " where* 
 a plague ! could you find texts fo to the 
 purpofe, fo to an hair, and which fpeak of 
 the bread of Eleftors fo clearly, that they 
 might be underftood by the arranteft clown 
 who goes to fell honey at the town of 
 Bejarr? Now I remember ; and particular- 
 ly that when I heard thofe texts in the 
 fermon, I was ailonimed. It is trne that 
 fpeaking of them afterwards with a Father 
 rnafter of the houfe, who loves me much, 
 he left me a little confufed ; for he told me 
 roundly that all of them, in the fenfe in 
 which your Paternity underload therp, 
 were the greateft of abfurdities and cog- 
 nizable by the inquiiition; that both the 
 text and the interpreters only meant that the 
 Y 4 Sacrament
 
 328 The HISTORY of 
 
 Sacrament was the bread of the elect o 
 chofen fouls, which alone were (ignified 
 by Elettorum ; that to apply it to the 
 electors merely for the fake of found, was 
 an intolerable abufe of facred fcripture, 
 condemned by the council of Trent, by the 
 popes, and by the inquifition; that this 
 tribunal had lately punifhed a preacher in 
 Rome, becaufe in his funeral fermon upon 
 Cardinal Cibo he had faid that the flefh of 
 Ghrift in the Sacrament was really and 
 truly the flem of the Cardinal, proving it 
 with this text, Caro mea v ere eft CIBUS, 
 which that madman (fo the Father matter 
 called him) took it into his head to under- 
 hand juil as your Paternity was pleafed to 
 underftand the Frumentum Eleffiorum: that 
 if it mould be permitted to ufe or abufe 
 holy fcripture with fuch groffhefs there 
 would not be herefy, abfurdity, or fin that 
 might not be proved by it ; and fo he went 
 on bringing fuch a heap of things as put 
 me in much confufion, and I don't know 
 how I had the patience to hear them." 
 
 * c And didft thou make any account of 
 them ?" " No, Father Predicador ; why 
 (hould I make account of them, when I 
 knew as well as if I was in him that it was 
 ?11 nothing but envy; for that fame Father 
 
 matter
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 329 
 
 mafter is a fplenetic mortal, and knows 
 nothing but his Ergos t his theology, his 
 Bible, his councils, his holy Fathers, and 
 your humble fervant. Take him thence, 
 and he knows not a word : he never read, 
 not he, neither the Theatre of the Gods, 
 nor Rabifius Textor, nor Aulus Gellius, 
 nor the Natalis Comes, ^nor Alexander ab 
 Alexandro, nor Pliny, nor Picenelus ; and 
 now to be fure he muft be curioufly qua- 
 lified to underftand fermons and to know 
 how texts of fcripture are, or are not to be 
 brought in ! and as, befides, 'tis a poor 
 fneaking dog, who drinks his chocolate 
 out of a wooden difb, and fees, thanks be 
 to God, the cell of your Paternity fo plen- 
 tifully provided with every thing, he rots 
 with envy as faft as he can rot, and hence 
 it comes that with him your Paternity can 
 do nothing right." " Let me embrace 
 thee, my dear boy," faid Fnar Bias at 
 hearing this, " for thou wilt be the hon- 
 our of the order : take thefe four cakes of 
 chocolate to ferve thee in my abfence, and 
 let us go on with the capitular fermon." 
 
 " We will talk of that fermon another 
 day, (faid Friar Gerund,) for as your Pa- 
 ternity is to go in the morning I fear left 
 we may not have time to read that of St. 
 
 Benedict,
 
 330 The HISTORY of 
 
 Benedict, though it be no more than the 
 falutation, and I am dying to hear it, 
 as only the thought of The fcience of igno- 
 rance in the 'wife ignorance ef fcience has ex- 
 cited fuch a curiofity in rne that it is a very 
 horror." " Thou art right," anfwered 
 Friar Bias, " let us go that j here it is on 
 the table. Obferve, we are now in the 
 fpring, it is the feftival of flowers, and the 
 hermitage of the faint is in the country : 
 now hear. 
 
 To the celebrated God of Mirth, 
 " Greece, Sparta, and ThefTkly confecraN 
 " ed folemn feftive rites on the twenty- 
 " feventh day of March ; Theflali huic Deo 
 f Rtftti quotannis rem divinam in fumma la- 
 *-' titiafaciebat) fays Rabifius Textor. They 
 " wove green garlands enamelled with 
 * f many-coloured flowers, offering a fpring 
 " of enjoyment to the homaged God of 
 * f mirth ; Vernis intexens floribus arva i 
 '* rijlbus & grandes mirata eft Roma cacbin-? 
 " nos t fays Lilius Giraldus. This deity 
 " offered himfelf to their worfhip in the 
 " figure of a naked youth, crowned with 
 " myrtle, adorned with .wings, and in the 
 " frondofity of a pleafant meadow ; Puer 
 " nudusy alatiiS) myrthoque corona t us, qui 
 f ' humifedebat> fays Vincentius Cartarius." 
 
 " Did'ft
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 33I 
 
 f Did'ft thou ever fee a more flowery en- 
 trance to a fpring fermon at the feftival of 
 flowers, and this with no lefs than the 
 authority of Cartarjus, Lilius Giraldus, 
 and Rabifius Textor ? But flay a little 5 
 hear the application. " This is a vernal 
 *f parallel of the illuftrious patriarch St. Be- 
 *' nedit, to whom with feftive joy this peo- 
 *f pie now confecrates its folemn worrnip." 
 What think'!* thou, Friend Gerund, eh ?" 
 '.* What can I think but that, in the firft 
 place, your paternity has the Calendar of 
 the Pagan feftivals more at your ringers* 
 ends than even the Epact of the order ; for 
 I never faw you miftake not even in one 
 of them, and I have obferved more than 
 once that you did not rightly know the 
 Saint of the fervice of the day t Secondly, 
 that almoft all the fermons of your Pater- 
 nity begin with fome little fable, fo to an 
 hair, and fo to the point, that it feems no 
 othcrwife, than as if the fable was feigned 
 on purpofe for the myftery, or that even 
 God himfelf made the myftery by the idea 
 of the fable. For example, when fhall I 
 ever forget that inimitable entrance of the 
 iermon on the Conception of our Lady, 
 which I heard this year from your Paternity 
 and got by heart, as I never expecT: in my 
 
 day*
 
 The HISTORY of 
 
 days to hear a thing more beautifully 
 adapted to the fubjeft? 
 
 " From the curling fpume of the celebrat- 
 " ed Egean waves fabulous ethnicity feign- 
 " ed Venus their idolatrefs conceived. Nuda 
 " Cytbereiseditaferturaquis t faysQ\\&. She 
 " was conceived affociated with the three 
 " celeftial Graces, & Veneris turba mntftra 
 " fait, fays Giraldus, becaufe no moment 
 * mould be faid to exift in which any 
 " grace was wanting to her beauty. And 
 *' in memory of this gracious conception, 
 " the Cyclades celebrated the eighth day 
 * of December, with the ftrongeft decla- 
 " rations of folemn joy, Hoc tamen die 
 " oSla^o Decembris fejlum concept ionis pul- 
 " cherrimae Veneris ingcnti jubilo celebra- 
 ft fur." " I do not ftop now to remark the 
 elegance of calling the religion of the 
 Gentiles, Ethnicity, and not Gentilifm or 
 Paganifm, for that any defpicable fellow 
 might have faid" " And if I did not call 
 it Polytheifm or Polydeifmity (interrupted 
 the Father Predicador) it was to referve 
 thefe two pretty terms for fome other oc- 
 cafion." ** I fay, I do not flop to re- 
 mark this, becaufe in the invention of 
 words, flaming new diftilled from the La- 
 tin tongue, your paternity is inimitable; 
 6 and
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 
 
 and I have already got notes of fome, to 
 avail myfelf of at a fuitable time, in full 
 aflurance that though I do no more than 
 fpeak in that ftyle, there will be no fra- 
 ternity-fermon for which I fhall not be 
 applied to. I know I am always to call 
 the fea the Salfuginous Element-, Aaron's 
 Rod, the Aaronitijh Wand ; the contract- 
 ing original fin, traducing the fome s of Jin; 
 futurized Adam, for the decree of the crea- 
 tion of Adam j his creation itfelf, the Ada- 
 mitifh Foundation *, the creation of all crea- 
 tures, the Univerfal Opifice ; blind nature, 
 y&fktttttg Nature ; and an ardently in- 
 flamed defire, the ignited Wings of Appe- 
 tency. This beautiful, clear, perfpicuous, 
 delicate ftyle leave it to me, Father ; I 
 will anfwcr for myfelf, that in this refpecfl 
 your Paternity will have no difciplc by 
 whom you will be more honoured. 
 
 *' Neither would I flop now to remark 
 that ingenious figure by which your Pater- 
 nity called Venus an Idolutrefs. Some ig- 
 norants might fuppofe it a blunder, think- 
 ing this meant to fay, that Venus wor- 
 fhipped them and not they Venus, and 
 that your Paternity ought to have faid 
 their idolized Venus. But, befides, that it 
 would not then have run in heroic mea- 
 
 fure,
 
 234 The HISTORY 6f 
 
 fure, feigned Venus their Idolatrefs concefa$d> 
 which was what your Paternity had in 
 view and let it be obferved by the way, 
 that one of the graces which moft enchant 
 me in the elegant ftyle of your Paternity^ 
 is the multitude of lyric and heroic lines 
 of which it is made up, that I fometimes 
 almoft think that I am hearing a piece of 
 poetry, 'bating the rhime?- 1 fay, befides 
 this beauty, another would have been loft 
 which fools do not obferve, nor are capa- 
 ble of obferving, and that is the rhetorical 
 figure which is called- which is called '- 
 Lord blefs me which is called I don't 
 know- what ; but which teaches us to ufe 
 the prefent for the preterite, the active for 
 the paflive ; and thus we fay, my moft loving 
 friend, for my mcfl beloved frier, d', I received 
 your obliged letter^ for your obliging letter > 
 for otherwife it would be faying that he 
 did him a favour in receiving it, which 
 does not feem to me to be either modefly 
 or good-breeding. In the fame manner 
 we may fay elegantly Venus the idolatrefs t 
 for the Idolized Venus t as we all well know, 
 who have had the happinefs of ftudying 
 under the famous preceptor of Villamun- 
 dosj and upon that account it is that I 
 have all the rhetorical figures fo at my fin- 
 gers''
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 335 
 
 gers' ends, with their names, marks, and 
 moles. 
 
 But, leaving thefc minutenefTes of ex- 
 cellence, as I was going on with my flory, 
 I fay, that the fable of the Conception of 
 Venus, for the myflery of (the Conception 
 of Mary feems as if your Paternity had in- 
 vented it, it comes fo pat to the purpofe. 
 Nay, I fay more, that, in my poor judg- 
 ment, the valiant claufe with which your 
 Paternity applied it was mere matter of 
 fupererogation The peerlefs parallel, though 
 fabulous, of the miraculous object of the jo- 
 cund rites with which the holy catholic church 
 celebrates on this eighth day of December, the 
 ptij/ive Conception of Mary* the Venus of di- 
 vine love, and goddefs of the beauty of 
 grace ; fo* there could not have been fo 
 blind an underftanding in the whole au- 
 dience as not immediately to fee the pro- 
 priety of the peerlefs parallel, without the 
 trouble of the application. Becaufe it is 
 as clear as water, that if Venus was the 
 mother of Love, Mary was the mother 
 of Love ; that if Venus was conceived 
 from the Spume of the Egean fea, from 
 the fnowy fpume of the divine Grace was 
 Mary conceived in the fea of human nature, 
 as your Paternity faid a little farther on ;. 
 
 if
 
 336 The HISTORY of 
 
 if in the conception of Venus the three 
 Graces were employ z&,oppofedto theGraces t 
 Mary in her conception was ajfociated with 
 the Hours, the Hours and the Graces being 
 things fo fimilar that it is impoffible to 
 have two more alike: finally if Venus was 
 conceived on the eighth day of December, 
 on the eigth day of December Mary like- 
 wife was conceived j fo that the parallel 
 cannot be more peerlefs with refpedl: to 
 thefe four properties of Maternity, Spume, 
 Graces, and Time. And as to the fecond, 
 in which the fpume of the Egean fea is 
 compared to the fnowy fpume of the Divine 
 Grace, there is in it fo recondite a pro- 
 priety that it is not eafy to hit upon the 
 beauty of it in four guefies. For if fpume 
 is no other than wind which is introduced 
 into water, or any other liquor, more or 
 lefs moved and agitated by the fame wind 
 or other foreign agent, as I read a few 
 days ago in one of thofe books in fafhion 
 which treat of fecrets and novelties, it is 
 as clear as water that the divine Grace 
 mufl be very fpumous, and it mufr, necef- 
 farily be a fnowy fpume, which dazzles the 
 light. Why ? why becaufe the divine 
 Grace is attributed particularly to the Holy 
 Spirit ; aod this, it is well known, is fome- 
 
 times
 
 FRIAR GERUNEi. 337 
 
 times a mild and calm air, and at others 
 an impetuous wind, which agitating the 
 divine Grace and introducing himfelf at the 
 fame time into her divine pores and inter- 
 ilices, muft neceiTarily raife a fnowy fpume 
 of moft dazzling whitenefs ,- and what can 
 be more proper than that from this fnowy 
 fpume fliould be conceived the Venus of 
 divine love? fo that really there cannot be 
 a more peerlefs parallel. 
 
 " So it appeared to me, and fo I defended 
 it alfo againfl that filly, fandlified, pfalm- 
 fmging mule Friar Gonzalo, who fat next 
 me and made wry faces at hearing it, tell- 
 ing me afterwards that he was fcandalized 
 at it. I afked him, why ? and the block- 
 head told me, becaufe it was comparing 
 the Mother of Chaftity with the Mother of 
 Filthinefs, as he called it; the moft clean 
 woman with the moft nafty ; the im- 
 maculate conception of Mary with the 
 fow-like conception of Venus ; the divine 
 Grace, with the profane Graces ; becaufe 
 Mary was ftiled, T^he Venus cf divine Love 
 and Goddefs of the Beauty of Grace ; and. 
 that, besides the lad proportion's being a 
 formal herefy, all the reft were blafphe- 
 mies, fo impious, fo facrilegious, fo unbe- 
 coming the mouth of a chriftian, and 
 
 VOL. I. 2 much
 
 338 The HISTORY of 
 
 much more of an dpoftolic Preacher, as 
 your Paternity fays you are, often (hewing 
 your title in full form, that in his opinion 
 the fermon deferved to be burnt ; and con- 
 cluded with faying, that if it was in his 
 power he would take away your Paternity's 
 licence to preach. I know not how God 
 prevented me from well flapping that com- 
 punctious face of his j but I contented my- 
 felf with letting him know that " honey 
 " was not made for the mouth of an afs," nor 
 pecrlefs parallels for fuch peerlefs pumkins, 
 and turned my back upon him. 
 
 " But now we talk of parallels, for the 
 love of God let us return to the vernal 'pa- 
 rallel of 'St. Benedict; for as one deep call- 
 cth another, and as I am fwallowed up with 
 delight in all thofe of your Paternity, I 
 myfelf interrupted the reading of it with- 
 out being able to help it. I remember the 
 beginning was about the God of mirth, 
 whom the ancients celebrated on the 
 twenty-feventh day of March, reprefent- 
 inghim as a youth flark naked as his Mo- 
 ther brought him forth, much crowned 
 with myrtle, and much adorned with 
 wings, ftretched out upon the grafs, as if 
 we mould fay, with his belly to the fun; 
 Tuer nudus, alatus t myrtboque cor mat us t 
 6 qui
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 339 
 
 qui humi fedebat ; and laftly that the man- 
 ner of celebrating him was with great 
 laughter, noife, and jollity j Et grandes 
 mlrata eft Roma cachinnos. Afterwards 
 your Paternity faid, This is the vernal pa- 
 rallel of (he illuftrious patriarch St. Benedict. 
 But before we go any farther, pray, Fa- 
 ther, tell me what is the meaning of ver- 
 nal parallel, for I confefs I do not under- 
 ftand it." " Phoo ! thou Tom Dingle! 
 what does Ver veris fignify ?" " Ver veris 
 fignifies the fpring; for fo fays the gram- 
 mar of Lara, which I ftudied." " Then, 
 fimpleton, vernal parallel means the fpring 
 parallel, as in the fpring the feftival of 
 Mirth was celebrated, and fo likewife is 
 that of St. Benedict. And here you fee 
 how the circumftance is brought in art- 
 fully, by the way, of this celebration's be- 
 ing held in the time of the feftival of 
 flowers, Verms intexens floribus arva; for 
 in this affair of carefully bringing in all 
 the circumftances, however ridiculous they 
 may be, there is no one, though I fay it, 
 who can out-do me." 
 
 " Now I underfland vernal parallel, faid 
 Friar Gerund, but ftill I want the appli- 
 cation, to know what limilitude there is 
 between St. Benedict and the God of 
 Z 2 mirth,
 
 340 The HISTORY of 
 
 mirth, and between the feftival of the 
 and the feflival of the other." " Have a 
 little patience, continued the Predicador, 
 thou wilt fee prefently. And as to the 
 intirelikcnefs of the festivals, it is a thing 
 fo clear, that a blind man only could be 
 at a lofs for it, without its being pointed 
 out ; for if that was celebrated in the 
 fpring, in the fpring is this celebrated ; if 
 that on the twenty-feventh day of March, 
 juft exactly on tht fame day is this ap- 
 pointed; if that in the fields, this on a 
 hill ; if flowers were there, flowers are 
 here ; if people at that, people at this ; 
 and in fine, if there was great laughter at 
 that, this by no means falls fhort, fince 
 nothing is heard throughout the place, 
 and even in the hermitage itfelf, during 
 the fermon, if the preacher has any thing 
 of fait, but the greateft laughter, E,t gran- 
 ges mirata ejl Roma cachinnos" " Now I 
 fee, fa id Friar Gerund, that the festivals 
 are as like as one egg is like another ; and 
 now too I difcover the key to apply any 
 thing which has ever happened in the 
 world at the fame feafon and on the very 
 fame day of the fedival for which the 
 fermon mall be preached, be it what it 
 will. 
 
 ' But,
 
 FRIAR GERUND, 341 
 
 " But, pray tell me, how the deuce could 
 your Paternity marry the moil afcetic and 
 auftere St. Benedict with the God of 
 Mirth ?" With the greateft facility in 
 the world," anfwered Friar Bias. " Does 
 not the hiftory fay that the faint, when he 
 was but fifteen years old, left Rome, went 
 out into the defert, hid himfelf amongft 
 the ruggednefles of the mountain Sublaco, 
 buried himfelf ia a deep cave or kind of 
 well ; that he there inflicted upon himfelf 
 the moft fevere penance for the fpace of 
 three years j that he fuffered cruel tempta- 
 tions from the devil j that he rolled him- 
 felf arnongft the briars 'till he left them all 
 bloody ; that he fed only on bread and 
 water, carried him once a week by a 
 monk called Romanus, letting it down to 
 him by a rope, 'till at the end of the three 
 years a good prieft came, by divine Reve- 
 lation, to feek him, bringing him favoury 
 meat, and telling him that he fhould eat 
 it becaufe it was Eafier-funday, which the 
 young Saint knew nothing of? Then what 
 can be more like the God of Mirth than 
 St. Benedict in this paflage of his life ? 
 That a youth, this a boy j that in the 
 fields, this in the defert; that ftretched 
 out upon the grafs, this in the well ; that 
 Z 3 naked,
 
 342 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 naked, this badly cloathed, and when he 
 rolled himfelf amongft the briars as naked 
 as he was born ; that crowned with 
 flowers, this covered with thorns; and 
 finally that celebrated at Eafter, and this 
 regaling himfelf at the fame time with 
 what the good prieft had brought him. 
 Now fee if the Vernal parallel can be more 
 complete. For as to the reft, though 
 the God of Mirth be a God of jollity and 
 enjoyment, of quips, and cranks, and 
 wanton wiles, and St. Benedict in the 
 defert was a frightful example of penitence 
 and mortification and lively image of ex- 
 tremeft wretchednefs, yet that fignifies 
 noj; a draw to the fubjecl; becaufe neither 
 parallels, (though they be Vernal) nor 
 fimilies, nor comparifons are to run upon 
 all four." 
 
 Friar Bias was novt about to purfue the 
 reading of his fermon when he was fur- 
 prized by a violent knocking at his cell- 
 door; and though at firft he determined 
 not to open it, yet as it was the Father 
 Prior who knocked, calling to him loudly 
 at the fame time and telling him who it 
 was, and that he knew he was within, 
 there was no refilling, and his determina- 
 tion was given up. The Father Prior 
 
 entered
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 343 
 
 entered the cell and meeting with Friar 
 Gerund in it, afked him rather ferioufly 
 what he did there lofing his time, and 
 why he did not mind his ftudies ? Friar 
 Gerund, not in the lead difturbed, told 
 him that he was come on fome bufinefs 
 from his mother, to bring the Father Pre- 
 dicador the money for three mafles which 
 he was to take care to have faid at the 
 altar of St. Benedict on the Hill, becaufe 
 fhe had been brought to bed of a child 
 which had a rupture, and the Saint, in 
 that image of him is faid to do great 
 things for children fufTering this complaint. 
 " And what have you in this fleeve" 
 feeing it more bulky than ordinary. Here 
 Friar Bias readily put in his oar, " They 
 are fome fweetmeats I gave him to fend 
 for me to his two coufins, the * Familiar 
 of Cojeces's daughters who the other day 
 made me a prefent of two pair pf under- 
 ftockings." Neither of the anfwers were 
 very fatisfactory to the Father Prior, but 
 
 * A Familiar of the laquifition. Even people of 
 rank look U[>on this title us an honour; none being ad- 
 mitted to it but who make it appear that they are old 
 and pure blooded chrifiians ; that is, not defcended 
 from Moors or Jews. It is little more than a titular 
 office. There are olher Familiars, in pay ; th,e fe.r\aws 
 of the Inqnifitioa. 
 
 Z 4, *S
 
 344 The HISTORY of 
 
 as he was a good-natured man he let 
 them pafs, and contenting himfelf with, 
 telling Gerund he mould be more dili- 
 gent and keep his cell better, fent him 
 to it, and remained hirnfelf with the 
 Father Predicador Mayor, treating on the 
 buiinefs about which he came ; but of 
 what kind it was there are no traces to 
 be found in the archives of the convent, 
 or in the exadt documents whence this 
 moft punctual hiftory has been drawn; 
 which mews fufficiently that it could 
 not be a matter of much importance, 
 or, at leaft not any in which the hi 
 is concerned. 
 
 CHAP,
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 345 
 
 CHAP. V, 
 
 friar Gerund preaches bis jirjl fermon in 
 the refectory of the convent, inferts In it 
 a mojl curious falutation, and quits his 
 jiudies* 
 
 THERE was in that town the fa- 
 gacious and penetrating reader will 
 Jtnow at once that we are fpeaking of the 
 town in which the convent flood -There 
 was then in that town a capable, clever, 
 fprightly Beneficiary, though of mature 
 age, as he was between forty and fifty 
 years old. He had ftudied Theology and 
 fuch Philofophy as is in ufe in Spain, 
 with fo much credit and applaufe that he 
 had gained by competition one of the bed 
 livings in the gift of the univerfity of To- 
 ledo -, but upon finding the country did 
 not agree with him, he had refigned it to 
 one who paid him a penfion out of it, and 
 had retired to his native place, where he 
 had a tolerable benefice or finecure, with 
 which and the penfion he lived very de- 
 cently,- He was of very correct manners, 
 
 and
 
 ?4 6 The HISTORY of 
 
 and a grave and ferious ecclefiafh'cal de- 
 portment, but at the fame time of a fef- 
 tive and jovial genius, which conciliated 
 to him the efteem and love of all. He 
 was much given to the exercife of the 
 confeffional, and now and then preached 
 a fermon with judgment, piety, and zeal; 
 for he was very fond of the works of the 
 Fathers Segneri and Bourdaloue, whom he 
 endeavoured to imitate in their fermons, 
 panegyrical and moral j and as he under- 
 ftood the Italian and French languages 
 pretty well, he had in each fome other 
 volumes of the beft fermons. But he did 
 not fufFer himfelf to be fo totally taken up 
 by the ftudy of facred and ferious matters 
 as not to make an excurfion frequently 
 into more flowery paths, efpecially in the 
 quarter of criticifm, for his direction in 
 which he had fome feledt books in his 
 not copious but chofen library. 
 
 He was much efteemed by all the grave 
 fathers of the convent, and often vifited 
 their cells with friendly familiarity. He 
 had heard them many times lament the 
 fatal extravagance of the Predicador Mayor, 
 and the harm he did by his example and 
 abfurd maxims to the young collegians, 
 and particularly to the mod candid and 
 
 fimple
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 347 
 
 fimple Friar Gerund, fo perfuaded by him* 
 that in order to be a great preacher there 
 was no occafion for philofophy, theology, 
 or any fuch fluff, that he had imbibed the 
 utmoft horror for all fcholaftic ftudies, to 
 which he could not be brought to apply, 
 neither by private admonition nor public 
 reprehenfion, neither by confinement to 
 bread and water, nor by difcipline, or any 
 other chaftifements of holy ufe in the com- 
 munity. To this they would add, that 
 he would have been fent from his fludies 
 ignominioufly, had he not at the fame 
 time had fome amiable qualities, and had 
 he not been adopted by the Father Pro- 
 vincial, who had given him the facred 
 habit, and, above all, had it not been for 
 the refpecl: due to his good parents, who, 
 though no more than honeft farmers, and 
 not very rich, were fome of the mofl de- 
 vout and profitable brethren to the order. 
 
 Upon one of thefe occafions, when two 
 of the grave fathers were fpeaking with 
 the greateil vehemence and companion 
 upon this fubject, the Beneficiary faid, 
 " Well, Father Matters, as for the cure 
 of the Predicador Mayor, I cannot venture 
 to attempt it, as I look upon it as defpe- 
 rate : the difeafe is fo rooted in him that 
 
 it
 
 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 it is become nature, and the patient fb 
 wedded to his evil, that he would prefent- 
 ]y fend any one about his bufmefs, who 
 fhould offer to remove it. But as to Friar 
 Gerund, it is another thing ; the malady 
 is with him yet in its beginning, nor is 
 the fortrefs fo impregnable ; however 
 nihil tentafje nocebit. I am neither confi- 
 dent, nor defpairing ; but what (hall we 
 lofe by the attempt ? Now, then, to God 
 and to good-luck ! Away I go without 
 lofs of time"- and fo faying, the good 
 man took himfelf diredtly to the cell of 
 Friar Gerund. Here he endeavours by 
 various, forcible, and convincing argu-> 
 ments, to make him fenfible of the abfo- 
 lute neceffity ef his being acquainted in 
 fome degree with fcholafb'c learning, and 
 after having well weaned himfelf with his 
 friendly and zealous labours, Gerund tells 
 him with great candour and coolnefs, that 
 God never intended him for a profeflbr's 
 chair, but for the pulpit, and that he will 
 as much apply to fcholaftic fludies as it 
 now rains pack-faddles. To which the 
 Beneficiary replies, that if it fhould rain 
 pack-faddles every one would be ill-fpent 
 which did not fall upon the back of fuch 
 an afs as his worfhip, and takes his leave.
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 349 
 
 In (hort there was no remedy for it ; 
 for Friar Gerund had firmly and finally 
 determined in his own mind, that he 
 would have nothing to do with philofo- 
 phical matters, and that as to theological, 
 the articles of Faith were fufEcient for 
 him, and thefe he had already, even from 
 his baptifm. The Hope of falvation, at 
 leaft per modum her edit at is, could not be 
 wanting to him. And Charity we ought 
 pioufly to fuppofe him endued with, as he 
 appeared to be a good Religious, excepting 
 his freaks and his fancies, which really 
 might exift without much prejudice to his 
 confcience. 
 
 Now as all their Reverences, the Seniors 
 of the Community, Taw him fa abhorrent 
 from philofopby, and fo ftiffly refolved 
 not to iludy theology -fince in order to 
 be a conventual preacher and to preach as 
 many others did, with much applaufe, 
 many followers, and no inconiiderable 
 emolument, he faid there was no occaiion 
 for them ; and i'faith in this he had rea- 
 fon in fulleft meafure, preffed down and 
 running over and obferving on the other 
 hand that he (hewed great fprightlinefs and 
 improveable parts, that he had a good 
 voice, ealy gefture, handfome prefence, 
 
 and
 
 350 The HISTORY of 
 
 and a neat, clean, agreeable perfon, verg- 
 ing almoft upon beautiful, knowing the 
 vehemence of inclination by which he was 
 drawn towards the pulpit, and thinking 
 that if he were provided with fome good 
 difcourfes, of which there were many in 
 the convent, left * by famous preachers, 
 he might in the end turn out no difcredit 
 to the order, they were upon thefe confi- 
 derations gracioufly difpofed to conde- 
 fcend to his deiires. But firft they thought 
 it expedient to have fome experiment of 
 what might be hoped for from his preach- 
 talents. 
 
 It is a laudable cuftom in convents to 
 exercife the ftudents in domeftic difcourfes, 
 which are to be compofed in a limited 
 time, and preached before the community 
 only, during their repaft in the refectory ; 
 by which a field is given for each to dif- 
 play his talents, and a facility of fpeaking 
 in public acquired. There is a difference 
 in the practice of this cuftom in different 
 convents ; but in that of our Friar Gerund 
 it belonged exclufively to the Predicador 
 
 * Whatever a Religious dies poflefled of is inherited 
 by the Apoftolic Chamber ; but in ordinary cafes the 
 Superiors have ufually a faculty from the Pope to difpofe 
 of their effects. 
 
 Mayor,
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 35 t 
 
 Mayor, advifed by the Superior, to ap- 
 point the refeftory-preacher, and give him 
 the fubjedl of his difcourfe, with whatever 
 circumjlances he may think proper, fo that 
 they be fuch as are ufual in fermons, and 
 of all which notice muft necefTarily be 
 taken in the falutation. 
 
 Scarcely, then, was Friar Bias returned 
 from preaching his famous fermon of St. 
 Benedict upon the Hill at Cevico de la 
 Torre when he came, according to order, 
 to prefent himlelf to the Father Prior and 
 take his Benedicite. The ufual queftions 
 being afked, of how he had patted his 
 time, how the Mayor-demos had behaved, 
 how much he had got by his fermon, 
 what he had had to eat and drink, and if 
 he had brought any mattes for the con- 
 vent ; and Friar Bias having anfwered all, 
 producing in conclufion two hundrecl 
 reals * for an hundred mattes to be faid 
 
 * When a fum of Reals is fpoken of, we are to un- 
 derftand Rentes dc Vellon, fo called from being anciently 
 ftamped with the figure of a fleece, which the word 
 Vellon fignifies. It is now an imaginary fpecies, or only 
 money of account, and about the value of three-pence. 
 A fingle Real, a filver coin, is worth about fix-pence. 
 Thirty- four Maravedis make a Rfal de Vellon, and fixty- 
 four a Real de Plata, or filver Real. The Maravedi is 
 imaginary ; four of them make a <$uarto t fomething lefs 
 than our halfpenny. 
 
 by
 
 352 The HISTORY of 
 
 by the convent, and eighty more for 
 twenty others which his very Reverend 
 Paternity was himfelf to fay at the rate of 
 four Reals apiece $ all heing heard and re- 
 ceived with wonderful benignity by the 
 irjoft affable fuperior, who, on this occa- 
 fion, re-confirmed to his brother Bias the 
 general licence he had given him, that; 
 during his government, he fhould accept, 
 with the bleffing of God, as many fermons 
 as were offered him, and concluded with 
 faying, " There, go, go, Father Predi- 
 cador, to untuck * and refrefh yourfelf in 
 your cell; and, before I forget it, pray 
 appoint Friar Gerund to a refectory- 
 fermon which may have fome eireum- 
 fences ; but I declare againft the Father 
 Predicador's compofing it; let him work 
 it intirely himfelf; for as this lad has fo 
 ardent a longing for the pulpit, we have a 
 mind to fee what he can do on his own 
 bottom/' 
 
 In an ancient manufcript of the convent 
 it is found noted in the margin, that Friar 
 Bias, at receiving this charge of the Supe- 
 rior, and difcovering through it that they 
 
 * The habit being tucked up in a particular rrianncr 
 for riding. 
 
 4 had
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 353 
 
 had really and actually dcflined his be- 
 loved Gerund for the pulpit, the perpetual 
 fubjedl of their words and wifhes in their 
 clofe-fhut cells, was fo exceedingly de- 
 lighted, that, in the firft gum of his joy, 
 he had thruft his hand into his pocket 
 . in order to take out the doublon he had 
 been paid for his fermon and prefent it to 
 the Prior; but, thinking better of it in 
 thefarqe inftant, lookout his handkerchief, 
 wiped his nofe, promifed punctually to obey 
 his commands, and took an hafty leave. 
 
 In his riding trim as he was, before he 
 went to his own cell, he flew to that of 
 Gerund, whom he found in it, not at 
 prayers, threw himfelf over him, gave 
 him an hundred embraces, and only faid a 
 " Come,' my boy, come to my cell, for 
 I bring thee a bifhoprick !" Gerund joy- 
 fully accompanied him, and afked by the 
 way, " Well, dear Father, and how did 
 the vernal parallel go off?" " Heavenly, 
 my fon, heavenly!" anfwered the Predi- 
 cador, " And that of Ef granges mirata 
 eft Roma cacbinnos?" " To my heart's 
 fbndeft wifli, my friend, for the Hermi- 
 tage was ready to crack with their burfts 
 of laughter." " And I know that the, 
 Puer twdus, a la tits, my r thorns cor on at us, 
 VOL. I. A a qui .
 
 354 The HISTORY of 
 
 qiii burnt fedebat would be very {hiking ? w 
 " What do you talk of (hiking ! It gave 
 fuch a club-like blow that a Bachelor of 
 Siguenza faid publicly at table he had 
 heard above a thoufand fermons on St. 
 Benedict, but a thing fo proper to repre- 
 fent the Saint when he rolled himfelf 
 amongft the briars had he never heard." 
 " Above a thoufand !" faid Gerund. " Ay, 
 ay," replied the Predicador, " that is to 
 be underftood with two aughts more or 
 lefs." 
 
 With this converfation they entered the 
 cell of Friar Bias, who put himfelf in 
 order, combed his circle of hair and fore- 
 top, took out of the cup-board fome bif- 
 cuits and a flafk of wine which they both 
 faluted ; and as foon as the laft gulp 
 was pafTed Gerund's gullet, he afked him 
 impatiently what bifhoprick he brought 
 him. 
 
 " What bifhoprick do I bring thee ! 
 faid Friar Bias in great glee, why the Prior 
 has given me to underftand that they in- 
 tend to take thee from thy ftudies and 
 make thee a preacher. Can there be ft 
 better biflioprick for thee ? If thou obtain 
 this, thou wilt live, I won't fay like a 
 Biihop, but like an Arch-deacon ; efpe- 
 
 cially
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 355 
 
 cially with the rules which I (hall give 
 thee in time." ' Father Predicador, what 
 do you fay!" exclaimed Gerund. " I fay 
 what I fay," anfwered the Predicador. " He 
 told me that I fhould immediately appoint 
 thee a refeclory-fermon, and that I fliould 
 not compofe it for thee, becaufe as thou 
 fhew'ft fo much inclination to Sermo fer- 
 monis and fo little to Ergo and Syllogifmus, 
 they have a mind to fee what may be 
 reaped, or what crop may be hoped for, 
 from the field of thy own brain. And fo, 
 my friend, hands to their work; for I, 
 at leaft in this fermon, am not to tell thee 
 a word, but am to leave thee to walk in- 
 tirely in the paths of thy own heart. 
 When thou haft pafTed this fiery trial, it 
 will be another thing ; for my papers fliall 
 be thine as thy fame will be mine." 
 
 In the fame ancient manufcript with 
 the late-mentioned note is found another, 
 which fays in this manner " Friar Gerund 
 was aflonifhed at receiving this informa- 
 tion, and fo over-powered with joy that 
 he ftood motionlefs, as if befide himfelf, 
 for the fpace in which three or four Credos 
 [the Creed] might .be deliberately re~ 
 hearfed." As foon as he came to himfelf 
 he threw his arms round the Predicador's 
 A a 2 neck,
 
 356 The HISTORY of 
 
 neck, and faid, " Well then, deareft and 
 beft of Fathers ! let us make all defpatch, 
 and give me now the fubjeft I am to 
 preach upon ; though I fay an hundred 
 abfurdities, yet no one is to give me one 
 ftroke of his pen ; it is all to come out of 
 my own noddle; and I believe that neither 
 the choice of matter, nor the manner of 
 faying it will create difTatisfadion, though 
 it may not fo well become me to foretell 
 it:" and in faying this, up he got upon a 
 chair or ftool (for on this point there is- a 
 difference in the legends, and authors are 
 not agreed) fet his cowl in order, put the 
 two firft fingers of his right hand between 
 his neck and the collar of his habit which 
 he fhook and pulled forward to majce room 
 for the better playing of his pipes ; looked 
 with majeflic difdain round the cell ; then 
 took out his handkerchief, and founded his 
 horn with authority; thundered out the 
 " Praifed, glorified, &c." with a grave and 
 fonorous voice; crofled himfelf magifte- 
 rially with an extended hand; took for 
 his text Caro mea vere eft cibus, & Jangids 
 meus vere eft potus, adding, Ex Rvangelica 
 IcSlione capite tertio decimo, and broke out 
 into this moil: curious fentence which he 
 thought a great thing in a Refectory- fei> 
 
 mon
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 357 
 
 mon of a friend of his, and had gotten by 
 heart. " In endeavouring to reduce to 
 order the inequalities of my rude ideas, I 
 began to ftretch the lines of my difcourfe, 
 directing the firft hints of my imagination 
 to the founding the myfterious depths of 
 Evangelical compofitiqa.' 
 
 " Caro mea ! How elegant is the pro- 
 phet!" And becoming fuddenly filent, 
 becaufe he remembered no more, he pro- 
 ceeded with much agitation preaching a 
 dumb fermon, imitating all the actions, 
 geftures, and .poftures which he had ob- 
 ferved in preachers and had moft approved, 
 and was fo entirely abforbed in this bufinefs 
 that even the Predicador Mayor was 
 ftretched out upon the floor of that cell of 
 his, and ready to be ftrangled with laugh- 
 ing, till at laft he began to fear that poor 
 Friar Gerund was actually run mad. 
 
 About an hour did this filent demon-- 
 
 ilration of his oratorical abilities continue, 
 
 in which fpace of time the zealous youth 
 
 ' fo (hook and toffed his poor body, with 
 
 fuch motions, with fuch poftures, with 
 
 fuch violent convuifions, fometimes crof- 
 
 fmg his arms, at others opening them, 
 
 and ftretching them horizontally to their 
 
 utmoft extenfion, his whole figure re- 
 
 A a 3 presenting
 
 The HISTORY of 
 
 prclenting a crofs, now threatening to 
 throw himfelf headlong over the pulpit, 
 then reclining ftiffly with his back againft 
 the wall, one while flicking his arms a 
 kimbo with infinite fatisfaftion, another 
 he appeared a St. Vincent Ferror as he is 
 represented to us in his picture, with arr 
 uplifted arm and finger pointing to the 
 fkies, till in fhort he was as well fweated 
 and exhaufted as if he had preached in 
 earneft ; and he found it necefTary to have 
 recourfe again to the flafk and renew his 
 fuit to the bifcuits, which he did too with 
 the greater pleafure as this is a ceremony 
 which conftantly takes place upon .the de- 
 livery of a fermon. 
 
 After he had fetched his breath and 
 was recovered fomewhat from his fatigue, 
 and after the Predicador Mayor was re- 
 covered likewife from the exagitation he 
 had fuffered from his rifible faculty during 
 this extraordinary function, fays the latter, 
 f* It js, certain, brother Gerund, and no 
 one can deny that thou pofTefTefl: a won- 
 derful talent; efpecially fome of thy 
 actions are fo excellent that better cannot 
 be devifed; and though thou fpoked'fl not 
 a word, I faw clearly what thou meaned'ft 
 to fay by them. It feems as if thou had'fl 
 -/ fermons
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 359 
 
 fermons in thy hands, and choice ones 
 too, fo eloquently do they talk. And here 
 comes in like a pearl what the wife man. 
 fays, In manu illlus nos Gf fermones noftri. 
 For though in reality he fpeaks there of 
 another thing, yet who fhall prevent my 
 applying it to one very different when a 
 text offers fo invitingly and cries, Come 
 take me ? But to the bufmefs : I will 
 now give thee a fubjecl: to preach on and 
 the circumftances thou art to note. 
 
 " Thou know'fl that in Trinity parifh 
 there is a chapel dedicated to St. Ann, 
 which belongs to the fraternity of the 
 Saint, to whom the fold fraternity cele- 
 brates a folemn feflival : Thou know'fl 
 that this year the Mayor Domos are Don 
 Louis Flores and Don Francifco Romero, 
 the Regidors * of that town ; and laflly 
 thou know'fl that thefe gentlemen drove 
 away fome whores who came to fettle 
 themfelves in it ; a work without doubt 
 very plealing to God and to all good 
 chriftians. This is the fubjecfl, and thefe 
 the circumflances which thou mufl not 
 fail to touch upon. But eight days are 
 allowed thee, that being the limit of the 
 
 * Civil Officers. 
 
 A a 4 order:
 
 360 The HISTORY of 
 
 order : thou haft no time to lofe ; to thy 
 work, then, my friend, and God be with 
 thee !" 
 
 Perchance, reader, thou mayeft have 
 feen a rocket, which, peaceably fufpended 
 between two nails on an upright pod, 
 upon having fire applied to its little tickliih 
 tail, has in an inftant left its quiet ftation 
 and mounted to the fublimeft region of 
 the fides; and that fame dangling ftick, 
 which lately hung almoft to the ground, 
 now reared terrific, alarms the very con- 
 ftellations ; infomuch that the Virgin haf- 
 tily covers her countenance with her hand, 
 led: it mould pierce it and undo her, that 
 is, left it mould put out one of her eyes 
 and fpoil her beauty. Juft exadlly fo 
 then, neither more nor lefs, did cur Friar 
 Gerund fpring rapidly from the cell of 
 the Predicador Mayor up to the library 
 of the convent. There he loaded him- 
 felf with the Polyglott Bible of Alcala, 
 with the Concordance of Zarnora,- with 
 the Theatrum Vitas Humanas of Beyer- 
 link, with the Saturnalia of Macrobius, 
 with the Mythology of Rabiiius Textor, 
 with the Symbolical World of Picinelus, 
 with the Mythological Kalendars of Reu- 
 fnero, Tamayus, Mafculus and Rofinus, 
 6 which
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 361 
 
 which were the books and the Holy Fa- 
 thers which he had feen the good man 
 Friar Bias turn over when he had a fermon 
 to compofe. It is not to be told what he 
 read, what he contemplated, what he/ 
 ran through in thofe eight days, nor ths 
 innumerable ideas which crouded upon 
 that unquiet and turbulent imagination, 
 all ftriving which mould be moft extrava- 
 gant and perplexed. But nothing did he 
 read, fee, or underftand, but what came 
 like a pearl to his fubjedr, either as a fi- 
 mile, companion, or text. He noted, 
 renoted, blotted out, and added, till at 
 length after three foul copies, he produced 
 a fermon as fair as a flower. He went 
 over it, ftudied it, a&ed it, and rehearfed 
 the preaching a thoufand times in his cell 
 upon all the lumber there was in it, upon 
 the chair, upon the flool, upon the table, 
 upon the bench, and upon the bed. But, 
 two days before the function, when the 
 man whofe bufinefs it is to waken the 
 brethren and bring them a light, came into 
 his cell he found Friar Gerund in his 
 fhirt upon the tarima or raifed part of the 
 floor, powerfully preaching in his fleep, 
 not knowing what he was about. 
 
 As
 
 362 The HISTORY of 
 
 As thefe things had got wind in the 
 convent, great was the expectation and 
 deiire of the whole community to hear 
 him. At length arrived the dawn of the 
 great, the important day, when, before 
 all things, our Friar Gerund was fo maved, 
 and combed, and fmugged, and fpruced, 
 that it was a delight to behold his face. 
 He that day hanfelled a new habit, which 
 he had defined his mother to fend him for 
 the purpofe, begging earneftly that me 
 would be fure to iron the folds well, that 
 they might lie fmooth and handfome, that 
 he might cut the more refpectable figure, 
 as this gives a mighty grace to the gar- 
 ment j and moreover he defired me would 
 not fail to let him have two good yard- 
 wide handkerchiefs, one white and the 
 other coloured, as they were both very 
 neceiTary pieces of furniture for the en- 
 trance. The good Catania fent every thing 
 with a thoufand loves, and with but one 
 condition, which was, that, as (he could 
 not hear him, he mould fend in return a 
 copy of the fermon, that it might be read 
 by the parfon of the parifh, and his god- 
 father the licentiate Quixano. 
 
 The hour being come, and the bell rung 
 for dinner, there was not abfent that day 
 
 from
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 363 
 
 from the refectory not even the lowed 
 lay-brother of the community, becaufe, 
 in reality, they all loved Friar Gerund, 
 as well for his good genius as his liberal 
 difpofition, and likewife becaufe their cu- 
 riofity was whetted by feeing in him fuch 
 a rage for the pulpit, in which they all 
 underftood rightly enough that there 
 was more innocence than malice, or de- 
 fire of leading an idle life. He mounted 
 the pulpit, then, with a graceful air and 
 prefented himfelf with fuch a confident 
 and unembarrafled countenance, that the 
 very Predicador Mayor himfelf almoft be- 
 gan to envy him. He threw a pair of dif- 
 dainful glances, with affe&ed majefty, 
 on all fides the refedory, and obferving 
 the indifpenfable prolegomena of (baking 
 fucceffively in the air his pair of handker- 
 chiefs, white and red, and founding the 
 trumpet in Sion, he began with a hollow 
 and guttural voice to found the " Praifed, 
 glorified, and blcfled be the holy facra- 
 ment," concluding with, " In the firfl in- 
 fant of its moft pure facred being and na- 
 tural animation" a claufe, which had 
 always ftruck him forcibly. He crofTed 
 himfelf with great command, propofed his 
 text, without omitting Ex Evangelica lee- 
 
 tione
 
 364 The H I S T R Y of 
 
 tione ccipite decimo quarto, neighed twice, 
 and brought forth the. falutatioh in the 
 following manner : 
 
 " Of not lefs eftimation is the green co- 
 " lour that it is not yellow, than the fcar- 
 " let that it i not blue -, Dominus, O Alti- 
 c tudo divitiarum fapientite & Jcientia 
 " Dei! As colours failed not to be the 
 " oracle of fight, fo neither do words fail 
 " to be that of faith in hearing, as Chrift 
 " hath faid, Fides ex auditu> anditus autem 
 "per verbum Cbrijli. St. Ann was born, 
 " as my faith affures me from Kaving 
 " heard it faid, of a red colour ; becaufe 
 " the azure waves of her funeft fenfations 
 " made her flrongly palpitate in her pjo- 
 " ther's wonak; Ex juter$ ante luciforuth 
 tf genui te. To this tranfparent angel, 
 "then, this -diaphanous intelligence, and 
 ft fpeculative objecl: of the moft (harp de- 
 *' votion, .this fervent and exftatic people 
 " confecrates thefe hyperbolic rites, fmce 
 " fhe is diftingu idled, as is feen there in 
 " her image, by a beautiful and pleaiing 
 " countenance ; Viiitum tuum deprecabun- 
 * ( tur @mnes dimles plebis. I lay- afide all 
 " further exordium, and proceed imme- 
 " diately to the fubjedl:, though it is fo 
 " principal an one. Let, then, the curious 
 
 hearer
 
 FRIAR GER UND. 65 
 
 " hearer begin to under (land ; Qui pot eft 
 " cap ere, cap int. 
 
 (l Ann, as we all know, was the mo- 
 " ther of our Lady, and. grave'authors af- 
 " firm, that. (he carried her in her womb 
 " twenty mo nth $, Hu\nten/is fextus'eft illi ; 
 " and others add that (he wept, Plorans 
 " p/oravit 'in. noffiem .vwhfence I infer 'that 
 " Mary was a Zabori -f*, Ef gratia ejus m 
 " me vacua, non fait. But let the orator 
 " attend to argument. St, Ann was the 
 " mother of Mary, .but Mary was the 
 mother of Chriil, therefore St. Ann is 
 " the grandmother of the moft Holy Tri* 
 " nity, Ef c Tri?iitatem . in unit ate 'penere* 
 tf mur. On this account is me celebrated 
 *' in this her houfe, H& requies mea in 
 * ' feculum fecitlL 
 
 <f And what can be given thee, O Ann-, 
 "in retribution for thy compendious be- 
 " nefits ! Quid retribwim Domino ? ^Vhat 
 " parallels can exprefs my words in the 
 " fpeaking thy praifes ? jLaudwos? In,bw 
 " non laudo. Thou art that myfterious 
 tl net, iji whofe bpake melhes remain cap*- 
 
 : 10 ,tn3fij^bL?>e l ' , ,'r::^,: 
 
 t A popular idea, that there are perfons (whom they 
 
 mil Znhari<) born \vith a faculty of feeing clearly any 
 
 thing which is covered, even thoi.gh it fhouid be under 
 
 the earth, ib.that it be not coTered\vith a blue cloth. . 
 
 tivated
 
 366 The HISTORY of 
 
 " tivated the filly fifties. Sagena mijfe In 
 " man. Thou art that ftone of the defert, 
 " which the lover of Rachel erected in 
 " the Damafcan field to give water to his 
 " flock, Muller da mlhiaquam. But I mall 
 " fay better, following the text of the 
 " Gofpel, St. Ann is that precious pearl, 
 " which, fecundated by the infults of the 
 " horizon, makes thofe who feek it blind, 
 " Querentlbus bonas margarltas : She is that 
 " treafure, now hidden, rfhefaurus abfcon- 
 " ditus, now occult, nlbil occultum, which 
 " the holy foul referved for the utmoft ends 
 " of the earth, De ultlmis finibus prcetium 
 te ejus : She is that hidden god, as Philo 
 " faid, TLIIUS Deus abfconditus ; and fhe is 
 ' the greateft of miracles, as Thomas 
 " faid, Mlracuknim ab ipfo faff or urn maxi- 
 " mum. 
 
 " Various circumftances ennoble the 
 " feftival. Some are aggravating, T^olle 
 tr gravatum tuum ; others of a different 
 ' fpecies, Specie tua Gf pulchrltudlne tua. 
 " And it is, becaufe the Signiors Flores 
 " and Romero, the noble Atlafes of this 
 " town, call to judgment, or caufed to be 
 *' called, in the night, with thunders and 
 " glittering fons of ardent hurricane, thofe 
 " wandering females who went up and 
 
 " down
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 367 
 
 " down like the rapid fpirits on Jacob's 
 ff ladder, Angelas quo afcendentes G? de- 
 *' fcendentes. And the reafon is natural, 
 " becaufe all which defcends afcends, and 
 " all which afcends defcends, Zachee, fef- 
 " tlnans defcende. 
 
 " Let the energy of the lips ceafe, and 
 " let my eyes, like feftive anchors, con- 
 " template a very literal text which the 
 Canticles prefent ! It fays thus, Vox tur- 
 " fun's audit a efl t flores apparuerunt in terra 
 " noflra, tempus putationis advenit : The 
 " beautiful turtle fung in our barren coun- 
 " try, Flowers came to adorn it, and thefe 
 " fame Flowers * drove away the harlots, 
 " Tempus putationis advenit. A text fo li- 
 ' teral needs not an application : but, for 
 ' the fake of the erudite, I will briefly 
 " fay, that, in the turtle is reprefented 
 '* holy Ann ; for, if this tender and tur- 
 *' bulent little bird is the hieroglyphic 
 " throne of Chaftity, Ann was chafte, 
 *' fince (he had but one only daughter, 
 " Filia mea male a demonio vexatur. That 
 " of Tempus putationis is equally exa<5t ; 
 
 * Flares, Flowers, the name of one of the Mayor 
 Domos. Rsmero, the name of the other, fignifies Rofe- 
 mary. 
 
 " fince
 
 368 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 " fince the renowned knights, the Mayor 
 " Domes, banifhed thofe Samaritans by 
 " whom the neighbourhood was dif- 
 turbed. 
 
 " Now I remember another text, which, 
 '* flill more fully than the laft, compre- 
 *' heads all the circum/lances of the fub- 
 " jecl, of that great woman Ann, the 
 " enemy of Phenena, as it is faid in the 
 " book of royal perfons, who, by the im- 
 " pulfe of her deprecrations, and by the 
 " help of Heli, had a fon called Samuel. 
 " Let the orator, then, attend to argu- 
 " ment. Heli, anagrammatized, founds 
 " the fame as Joachin, Sonet vox tua in 
 " aurlbus mels. Samuel was a prophet, 
 " Mary was a prophetefs, by which, in 
 " the myftic fenfe, Samuel and Mary is 
 " the fame. I have now proved the fub- 
 c jec"t fufficiently, diffufively ; and there 
 " remains only to apply it to the Romero, 
 " or Rofemary ; though, fuppoiing the 
 " Rofemary to bear a flower, it is already 
 " done, F lores apparuerunt in terra nojlra. 
 
 " But, neverthelefs, I would, with yet 
 " greater propriety, adapt the^circum- 
 " fiances to the fubjecl. Hiftories in- 
 " form us, that the moft Holy Virgin 
 " hung out the clouts of her new-born 
 
 " child,
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 369 
 * c child, God, upon a hedge of Rofe- 
 c * mary : and who taught her this ? Her 
 *' mother St. Ann ; fince all {he knew 
 " was taught her by the fame inftru&refs, 
 " Ipfe vos docebit omnia. Then as St. Ann 
 *' hung out clouts upon a hedge of Rofe- 
 *' mary, the Rofemary ferved St. Ann : 
 *' the fame thing we fee on this very day 
 *' in which me is ferved by the magnani- 
 *' mous Mayor Domo, Don Francifco Ro- 
 * c mero, which concludes all that there 
 *' was need to mew'. 
 
 '* Now then let us afk for grace. But 
 ** who mail afk it ? Ifaiah ? Alas, no. 
 " Gregory ? Oh, yes. The daughter 
 ' mall help her mother in her labour. 
 *' Filia regum in bonorefuo. Come, then, 
 *' let us fay to her that acroftic prayer 
 *' which me taught her infant Mary ; for^ 
 '* as a good mother, as foon as (lie could 
 " fpeak, me intruded her to rehearfe the 
 
 *' AVE MARIA, &C." 
 
 This was, without diminution or addi- 
 tion, the rhoft famous falutation which the 
 incomparable Friar Gerund de Campazas 
 let off in the refectory, as an hanfel and 
 fample of his preaching talents, in the 
 prefence of all the venerable community, 
 including the very Reverend Father Matter 
 
 VOL, I. B b Pro-
 
 370' The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 Provincial, who, by happy chance had ar- 
 rived the night before upon his vifitation 
 to the convent. This is that falutation 
 which ought to be perpetuated in print, to 
 be eternized by the prefs, to be immorta- 
 lized by pencil, by graver, by chiffel, on 
 canvafs, on brafs, on marble, for a piece 
 original, rare, unique, inimitable in its 
 kind. And God forgive his Gravityfhip 
 the very Reverend Father Provincial, who, 
 after having thrown cold water upon the 
 joy of the delighted hearers, deprived the 
 republic of letters of the body of the fer- 
 mon a lofs never fufficiently to be de- 
 plored. For though there are innumer- 
 able fermons going about in print, efpe- 
 cially of thofe called circumftanced, which, 
 if we may guefs from the falutation, which 
 is all we have feen of Friar Gerund's, may 
 be fuppofed not to fall fhort of it in fub- 
 ftance ; yet it can never be fuppofed that 
 in the fpirit, the foul, the zeft, they could 
 touch the heel of the fhoe of that of our 
 new-born Predicador. 
 
 It happened, then, that, during the fa- 
 lutation, there was fuch tittering, and 
 giggling, and at laft fuch unfmotherable 
 laughter, that it burft forth in repeated 
 roars from expanded jaws and fupported 
 6 fides i
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 371 
 
 fides j infomuch that a Father Prefentado 
 gave back what he had eaten through the 
 mere convulsion $ the lecturer of the cafe 
 * had like to have been ftrangled with a 
 pkce of cheefc; and even a lay-brother, 
 not underftanding much of farmunts, or 
 latins, or textes, yet one of Gerund's white 
 bears, or moft remarkable abfurdities, bolt- 
 ing out upon him whilft he had a Jefus 
 [wine-cup] at his lips, inftantly returned 
 about a pint of what he had taken down 
 in fuch furious and divergent fpoutings 
 from his mouth and noftrils, that he hand- 
 fomely foufed his two collaterals. Now, 
 as from all thefe incidents, it was necefTary 
 for the preacher to flop at every turn, and 
 make a thoufand paufes to give room for the 
 vollies of the mufquetry, and dinner was 
 now almoft over, but, principally, as the 
 Father Provincial felt a fcruple of confci- 
 ence in letting him go on (hooting fuch a 
 quiver of bolts to his own difgrace, and, 
 moreover, thought the whole affair too 
 farcical for fo ferious an aft of the commu- 
 nity, he ordered him to leave off, and 
 come down from the pulpit ; which was 
 to poor Friar Gerund an exercife of obe- 
 
 * One of the Friars who propofes a moral cafe for the 
 difquifition of the brotherhood. 
 
 B b 2 dien,ce
 
 372 The HISTORY of 
 
 dience full of bittereft mortification-* 
 What happened afterwards, the curious 
 reader will fee in the next chapter. 
 
 CHAP. VI. 
 
 "Of the different opinions there 'were in the 
 community concerning the falutatlon and 
 talents of cur Friar Gerund> and hoiv It 
 came at laft to be thought necejjary that 
 he foould be made a preacher. 
 
 >"~Ip H E firft care of the Father Provin- 
 JL cial upon going out of the refectory,, 
 was to afk Gerund for his papers ; and 
 whilfl the latter was eating his dinner at a 
 fecond table, the whole fermon was read 
 in the cell of his Reverence,- where all the 
 grave fathers aflembled to pay their re-- 
 fpe<5ts to him. And though they here re- 
 peated their laughter with more liberty, 
 for it is afferted by thcfs who were ear- 
 witnefles, that the body of the fermoa 
 was not a jot inferior to the fajtitation ; 
 yet there was no prevailing upon the Pro- 
 vincial, by all the inflances their Reve- 
 rences could make, to part with it out of 
 
 hi*
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 373 
 
 his hands, excufing himfelf by faying that 
 lie had a fcruple of confcience in expofing 
 him to be made fiill more ridiculous; and 
 -with great difficulty did he let go the falu- 
 tation, of which however he permitted 
 a few copies to be taken, as the whole po- 
 pulace and rnu-fquetry of the convent, pio- 
 neers and all, had already tafied the fweet 
 thing. 
 
 After their Reverences had taken their 
 11 of laughter, the Provincial faid ferioufly, 
 " But, in truth, I really pity this young 
 man : his exterior talent is not only good, 
 but excellent j but then the abfurdities 
 -which he firings together are infufferable, 
 and are all owing, firfi to the want of 
 fiudy, and, fecoiadly, to the muddy foun- 
 tains at which he drinks, or the accurfed 
 models he propofes for his imitation, than 
 which there cannot be worfe either in 
 mode or fuhftance." Some malicioufly in- 
 finuate that the Provincial aimed this at 
 the Predicador Mayor, as he was not igr 
 corant of the particular friendship which 
 exifted between the two, nor of the exe- 
 crable inftrudions cordially given on the 
 one part, and on the other as cordially re- 
 .ceived ; and indeed the. Predicador himfelf 
 t not be altogether without a fufpi- 
 B b 3 eion
 
 374 The HISTORY of 
 
 cion that it had fuch a tendency, as there 
 is a report that, in this inftance only, he 
 was feen to blufh. But, however it might 
 be, the Provincial proceeded, " Now I 
 have a mind to try in the prefence of your 
 Paternities, if I can by any dextrous and 
 gentle management bring this lad to a 
 fenfe of his folly, and induce him to ftudy, 
 apply himfelf, and read at leaft fome good 
 ferrnons, that he may catch the true tafte 
 of preaching, and credit the order by his 
 fpecious talents." He then ordered the 
 lay-brother, his particular attendant, who 
 was waiting upon their Paternities with 
 old wine and bifcuits by way of defert, to 
 go to the refectory and tell Friar Gerund, 
 that, if he had done dinner, he mould 
 come to the Provincial's cell. 
 
 He inftantly obeyed the fummons, 
 feared and frightened, but prefently com- 
 pofed himfelf upon hearing the Provincial 
 fay, very gracioufly and endearingly, as 
 foon as he appeared, " Come hither, fon, 
 and give me an embrace; thou haft ac- 
 quitted thyfelf juft as I expected j and if I 
 did not permit the fermon to be fini(hed, 
 it was not becaufe we fhould not all have 
 heard it with great pleafure, but becaufe 
 the community were all upon the point of 
 
 finifhing
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 375 
 
 finishing their meal.'* It is incredible how 
 much he was folaced and reaflured by this 
 unexpected tone of voice and tenour of 
 words in the Provincial, who, profecuting 
 his prudent artifice, afked him, " Come, 
 now, tell me the truth, who compofed 
 the falutation for you ?" " Our Father," 
 anfwered the honeft and intrepid Gerund, 
 with a dove-like fincerity, " the devil take 
 me if I did not make it all out of my own 
 head." " But then thofe texts fo literal, 
 and fo well adapted, how mouldft thou 
 know them if thou haft never read the 
 Bible ?" " Our Father, that is with me, 
 from a little leffbn which the Predicador 
 Mayor gave me upon a certain occafion, 
 the eafieft thing in the world." " Well, 
 what little leffon was that ?" " He told 
 me that whenever I would apply a text to 
 any Spanifli word, I had only to look hi the 
 Concordance for the Latin word which cor- 
 refponded to it, and I fliould find texts by 
 the peck, out of which I might pick and 
 chufe what I liked. So I did, and really 
 and truly my texts, unlefs I am much 
 miftaken, were as well forted as heart 
 could wifh." 
 
 " And fo," faid the Provincial a little 
 
 fneeringly, " the Father Predicador Mayor 
 
 B b 4 taught
 
 376 The HIST OR Y of 
 
 taught you this little lefibn !" " Yes, our 
 Father," anfwered the innocent Gerund, 
 " and with that on my fide I am not 
 afraid to undertake the mod difficult fer- 
 mon, and with circumftances the moft in- 
 tricate that can be ; for fo that I find in 
 the Concordance the correfponding word, 
 what care I if it rains down cirpumftances 
 upon me ? literal texts fhall likewife rain 
 down upon the audience." " But do not 
 you fee, my fon, faid the Provincial, that 
 this rule is not a good one, becaufe the 
 preacher may mean to prove one thing, 
 and the text in which he finds the word 
 he looks for may fpeak of another, having 
 not the lead connexion or affinity with 
 what he intends ? For example, what re- 
 lation is there between St. Ann's palpitat- 
 ing or not palpitating in her Mother's 
 womb, .and the eternal generation of the 
 word in the divine intelligence, fpoken of 
 in this text Ex Utero ante luciferum genui 
 fe?" " This relation, our Father -, there 
 Utero is fpoken of j and if the text comes 
 not to Palpitating, it comes to Utero, and 
 that is ftifficient for the preacher.'* 
 
 '* But, tell me, to what purpofe did 
 you bring in, T^offa gravaium timmT* " To 
 v;hat purpcfe did I bring it in ! why does 
 
 not
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 377 
 
 iiot your Paternity remember I brought it 
 in on account of the aggravating circum- 
 flances ? Can there be any thing more 
 alike than aggravating and gravatum ? In- 
 deed I don't very well know what grava- 
 tum means, but it founds to me Jike an. 
 aggravating thing, and the fame would it 
 found to any audience of good ears ; ancj 
 fo it found well to the audience there is 
 need of nothing more to give it propriety." 
 Notwithstanding the natural ferioufnefs 
 * and the circumfpection of the Provincial 
 Father he was fo tickled with thefe extra- 
 vagances that he could fcarce refrain from 
 laughter ; but, repreffing it as well as he 
 could, he proceeded to touch upon fome 
 other abfurdities in the falutation, afking 
 him, " And what grave authors are thofe 
 who afHrm that St. Ann carried our lady 
 twenty months in her womb ?" <e Our 
 Father, anfwered Gerund, I do not know, 
 for I never read it in any ; but as I hear 
 ihe mod famous preachers fay at every 
 turn, Grave authors affirm, we are informed 
 by grave authors, &c. I thought that this 
 was one of the cuftomary phrafes of the 
 pulpit, like fome others, which every one 
 jnay ufe as freely as he pleafes: and, 
 fhough no author ever dreamed of faying 
 
 what
 
 378 The HISTORY of 
 
 what the preacher fays, yet that he might 
 cite Authors, Fathers, and Councils by 
 the fcore, whenever it would turn to ac- 
 count, as well as verfions, expofitions, and 
 legends; for to what an alarming confe- 
 quetfce ihould we be led, our Father, by 
 the contrary practice ? Or who would be 
 a preacher, if all the information, erudi- 
 tion, and texts, which are delivered in 
 fermons, were to be drawn from books ?" 
 
 " But does not my fon fee,'' faid the 
 Provincial, " that this is to lie; and that to 
 lie, befides being mameful and unworthy 
 of a good man every where, is, in the 
 pulpit, which is the chair of truth, a kind 
 of facrilege ?" " I admire the fcruples of 
 your Paternity, (anfwered Friar Gerund j) 
 to be fure I have not heard fo many fer- 
 mons as your Paternity, becaufe I have 
 not lived fo long ; but I can aflure your 
 Reverence that no where have I ever heard 
 fo many and fo great lies as in the pulpit. 
 There they give to flocks and ftones virtues 
 which they have not, and feign things 
 which never exifted in nature. There they 
 make the fathers and expofitors fay what- 
 ever comes into their imagination ; and in 
 my opinion they who do it do mighty 
 well; for if the fathers and expofitors did 
 
 not
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 379 
 
 not fay fb, yet they might have faid fo, 
 and no one hindered them from faying it. 
 There, not infrequently, they feign texts 
 even of facred fcripture ; and in this there 
 feems to me no inconvenience ; for as the 
 Holy Ghoft infpired the things faid by the 
 Prophets and Evangelifts, it may in like 
 manner infpire to preachers the things 
 which they mail fay. At lead a preacher 
 of great renown told me fo, and though It 
 is true that this doctrine did not approve 
 itfelf much to my judgment, yet in the 
 end I was perfuaded that it was extremely 
 convenient. There, finally, are feigned, 
 or related, events, and tragical, horrible, 
 examples, which never happened, cloath- 
 ed and adorned with fuch ftrange circum- 
 flances that it is clearly feen they are 
 novels ; and neverthelefs we fee they have 
 much effect, for the good people groan, 
 weep, figh, and beat their breails with 
 much compunction. See now, and pleafe 
 your Paternity, if they lie in the pulpit !" 
 
 " I cannot deny," replied the Provincial, 
 " but that, for our fins, there is much of 
 this; but it is always an intolerable bold- 
 nefs and a mame; and any preacher who 
 fhould be detected in fuch impoftures 
 ought to be feverely punilhed and to have 
 
 his
 
 3Ho The HISTORY of 
 
 his licence for preaching taken away for 
 ever." " Ay, our Father! (laid Gerund 
 in a commiferating tone) if this were to- 
 be done, who would there be to preach 
 the fermons of the Fraternities ? And how 
 many honeft men would be begging their 
 bread from door to door, or obliged to 
 learn fome other trade?" 
 
 " But tell me, fon, if for fuch weighty 
 motives you raifed the faife teftimony 
 againfl grave authors, of their faying that 
 St. Ann carried the Virgin in her womb 
 twenty months, to what purpofe did you 
 bring in proof the text of, Hie menfis 
 Jextus ffl iUi? Are fix months twenty?" 
 " Firfl, our Father, I did not bring it 
 for the twenty, but for the months, and 
 for this hie menfis came as if it was cail in 
 a mould, Secondly, if I had brought it 
 for the twenty, it would not have been 
 betide the purpofe ? for, the thing is clear, 
 where there is fix there is five, fix and 
 five are eleven ; where there is eleven there 
 is nine, and nine and eleven are twenty ; 
 here you fee the twenty complete, by the 
 .equipollenfes ; for I am not fo much at a 
 lofs in my fumulas as fome pe.cple may 
 think." 
 
 Notwith-
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 3 : 5i 
 
 Notwithftanding his faturnine com- 
 plexion the Provincial could not forbear 
 laughing out at abfurdities of fuch mag- 
 nitude and at the fame time of fuch inno- 
 cence ; and continuing now for entertain- 
 ment what he had begun by way of friend- 
 ly correction, afked him, " And what 
 grave authors fay, that St. Ann was the 
 Grandmother of the Holy Trinity ? Do 
 you not fee that this is a formal herefy ? 
 For as the Holy Trinity is uncreated and 
 eternal it confequently can have no Mother 
 or Grandmother." " Let me fay no other 
 herefies than that," anfvvered Friar Ge- 
 rund, " and I fhall never be laid hold of 
 by the inquifition." " I believe it," re- 
 plied the Provincial finiling, " for the 
 inquifition troubles not itfclf with fimple- 
 tonsj but mull you not be fcnfible it is 
 an herefy?" " An herefy! A fine herefy 
 truly, o' my fins ! (exclaimed Gerund) 
 pray tell me, our Father, was not St. Ann 
 the Mother of our Lady ? Yes, for fo fays 
 the text, Dicit dtfcipulo, Ecce mater tua: 
 Was not our Lady the Mother of Chrift ? 
 certainly, for fo affirms St. John, Dm/ 
 matri face, Ecce Jilius tuns: therefore St. 
 Ann was the Grandmother of the Holy 
 Trinity." " If you were not more at a 
 
 lofs
 
 382 The HISTORY of 
 
 lofs in your fumulas than you think your* 
 felf, you could not draw that confequence, 
 but this, therefore St. Ann was the Grand- 
 mother of Chrift." " Well, what does 
 it fignify to me, whether it be one or the 
 other, our Father ?" " Why Chrift is not 
 the Holy Trinity, is he?" "Is he? Ay; 
 would to the Lord I were as much fo, Et 
 Trinitatem in unltate veneremur. Can your 
 Paternity deny that Chrift is the Holy 
 Trinity ?" " How can I do otherwife? He 
 is the fecond perfon of the Trinity, but 
 not the Trinity \ fo Friar Gerund is a 
 member of the convent, but he is not the 
 convent : and if you doubt it, confider 
 how he would argue who fhould fay thus, 
 Cecily Rebollo was mother of Catania 
 Rebollo, Catania Rebollo was mother of 
 Friar Gerund Zotes a member of the con- 
 vent of Lower Colmenar, therefore Cecilia 
 Rebollo was the grandmother of the con- 
 vent of Lower Colmenar. Your reafoning 
 isjuft as good; and it certainly would have 
 been better for the Orator not to have at- 
 tended to argument" " Our Father," an- 
 fwered Gerund, tbefe are all gallantries of 
 thefchools, as Barbadino fays." 
 
 " And was it a gallantry of the fchools 
 to fay that St. Ann, like a good mother, 
 
 inftrucled
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 
 
 inftrufted her daughter to rehearfe the 
 Ave Maria?" "What! faid Gerund, fure 
 your Paternity can not refufe aflent to a 
 troth fo clear and manifeft? would a mo- 
 ther fo pious, and fo careful of the educa- 
 tion of her daughter, as Mrs. Ann was, 
 fail to infhuft her in the Chriftian Doc- 
 rine, jufl as it is fet forth in the catechifm 
 of Aftete, from the beginning, of " Every 
 faithful Cbriftian" to the very end ? And 
 moreover there are thofe who fay me 
 taught her even to affift at Mafs, and that 
 the good little girl afiifted, when but feven 
 years of age, at all the Mafles which were 
 faid in her parifh church with much devo- 
 tion ; for your Paternity knows that in 
 ancient times, as I read in I know not 
 what book, women affifted at Mafs." 
 
 Nothing, as it will be imagined, could 
 be anfvvered to this; and the Provincial 
 was not inclined to put any more queftions 
 upon the fubftance of the falutation, as it 
 would be an endlefs affair, but, in regard 
 to the flyle he could not help afking -what 
 was the meaning of this wonderful fen- 
 tence, To this transparent angel, then, this 
 diaphanous intelligence and Speculative objeft 
 of the moft fiarp devotion, this 'fervent and 
 ecjlatic people confecratesthefe hyperbolic rites? 
 
 " Our
 
 384. the HIS TOR Y of 
 
 " Our Father," anfwered Gerund, " the? 
 devil take me if I know what I meant my- 
 felfj I only knew that the feritence is 
 jfonorous, and that if it be pleafing to the 
 ear, nothing more is requifite. For who 
 has ever blamed thefe claufes which gd 
 about in print in a fermon on St. Andrew^ 
 and in truth not a whit more perfpicuous 
 than mine?" " Nitid afflations of flamife- 
 rous torches, brilliant fcintillations of folar 
 light, animated the obfequious affections ex- 
 citing feftive admiration -, Candidus infuetum 
 miratur lunien Qlympi" And obferve, our 
 Father, by the by, the manner of intro- 
 ducing the texts, exadly as I introduce 
 them. " In the beauteous heaven of this 
 magnificent chapel Jhine funs t dijii?ift in num- 
 ber, Chrift and our Glorious Saint ; fulferunt 
 quondam candidi tibi foles. Chrift vitalizes 
 with the Jiery fcintillations of his love St. 
 Andrew s loving heart ; Lampadis ignes^-* 
 in me manet & ego in illo." What a divine 
 thing ! And can your Paternity now con- 
 demn my T^rinitatem in imitate veneremur ? 
 " With this beauteous conftellation there is 
 nothing to fear from the fafcination of the 
 fphere ; bccaufe the lights which could recom- 
 mend their proper fplcndors, gloria Jlellarum, 
 (Oh what glory ! as if one fhould lay 
 2 vultum
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 385 
 
 vulfum tuuni dtprecabuntur) now Jill their 
 brilliant orbs in homage to the glory of Sf. 
 Andrew, Et opera mamium ejus annuntiat 
 frmamentum. I myfelf could not bring a 
 text more to the purpofe. 
 
 " I would not tire your Paternity's atten- 
 tion with citing more chufes, not only 
 from this fermon, but one and thirty more 
 in the fame large folio volume with it, 
 which are all fo entirely in this very fame 
 ftyle that they are an admiration, an afto- 
 nimment, an intoxication.". " In that laft 
 word, (replied the Provincial) you have 
 faid every thing, without knowing what 
 was faid ; for there cannot be a term 
 which better agrees with or explains what 
 this kind of ftyle is, fince none but one 
 drunk with the wine of folly, ignorance, 
 and prefumption would employ it -, and 
 you are certainly very right, for this flyle 
 and that of your falutation are as like as 
 two chefnuts. But is it poflible, what 
 you tell me, that there is a book of printed 
 fermons in this ftyle ? I cannot believe it, 
 for who would have permitted it ?" 
 " What, cannot your Paternity bel/eve 
 there is fuch a book in print? Ay, and 
 with all the necefTary licences too, and ap- 
 probations, well-turned and of very ele- 
 VOL. I. C c vated
 
 386 The HISTORY of 
 
 vated bmfkin, as with your Reverence's 
 leave I will inftantly give you ocular de- 
 monftration." And away he flew to his 
 cell and returned in a twinkling with a 
 folio much thumbed and dogs-eared, for 
 it was fcarcely ever out of the hands of the 
 good little Friar, who had it likewife al- 
 mofl all by heart. Prefenting it to the 
 Provincial, he faid, " Is this a printed 
 book r" " Yes, it is printed," fays his 
 Reverence. " Then, our father, read the 
 firft fermon on St. Andrew -, he did fo and 
 found the claufes literally as above-cited. 
 lie was amazed : Friar Gerund triumph- 
 ing, added, " Open it any where, your 
 .Reverence, and you will fee if the author 
 falls off, or if he is not equal to himfelf 
 throughout." 
 
 His Paternity read many fentences, to 
 which he acknowledged thofe of the falu- 
 tation were tarts and cheefe-cakes, and 
 that fome excufe might be made for Ge- 
 rund's being led aftray by fuch a model, 
 which he is fure muft be the work of fome 
 deplorable coxcomb. " Softly, foftly, our 
 Father, (replied Friar Gerund,) for in this 
 your Paternity labours under a moil enor- 
 mous miftake. The author is not what 
 your Reverence thinks, but a great man, 
 
 a mighty
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 38; 
 
 Q mighty man, and one who has made fo 
 much noife in Spain that few have made 
 more. Look, Sir, at the fir/l page of the 
 book, read the title of the work and thofe 
 of the author, and then let your Paternity 
 tell me if he is an inconfiderable man." 
 Though the Provincial had mut the book, 
 and had even made a motion in his indig- 
 nation towards throwing it out of the 
 window, yet hearing Gerund fay this, his 
 curiofity was touched, and he opened it at 
 the title page, and read as follows, " T^he 
 facredFlorilegium, compofed of myjlic Flowers, 
 watered on the celcjlial, delightful, frondife- 
 rous Parnaffus of the Church, by the confe- 
 crated Aganippe, the holy Fountain of the 
 Grace and Glory of Chrijl : by the divine 
 Affluence of which the lofty Marian Palm 
 being encreafed, is crowned, triumphant by 
 the Privileges, of Grace, 'with victorious 
 Glory : Divided into panegyrical, anagogical, 
 tropological, and allegorical Difcourfes, found- 
 ed in facred Scripture, corroborated by the 
 authority of the holy and exegetical Fathers, 
 the mojl particular Opinions of the principal 
 JLxpofitors, and copioujly adorned with Eru- 
 dition facred and profane, in Ideas, Problems, 
 Hieroglyphics, philofophical Sentences, and 
 C c 2 mofi
 
 388 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 mojl felett Humanities. By the Reverend 
 Father Friar &c. &c" 
 
 The good Provincial hardly knew for 
 fome time whether he was awake or no $ 
 but after coming to himfelf, and making 
 forue fevere ftrictures on the book and the 
 inattention of the licenfers and approvers 
 of it, he concludes with telling Gerund 
 that he will not let him have the book 
 again, left it fhould confirm him in his per- 
 verfe tafte of fermonizing and be his total 
 ruin. " But, our fath'er, fays Gerund, 
 your Paternity muft let me have the book 
 again* becaufe it is not my own." " Then 
 whofe is it ?" alked the Provincial, " I 
 cannot tell your Paternity, anfwered Ge- 
 rund, becaufe it was lent me in confef- 
 fion *." At this there was fuch a laugh 
 as fhook the cell. But Friar Gerund, un- 
 difmayed, proceeded, faying, " And though 
 your Paternity is fo liberal in your abufe 
 of it, I fee it every where elfe meet with 
 great applaufe ; a large irnpreffion was 
 directly fold off, and there is not one to be 
 got though one would give an eye for it; 
 for thofe who are fo lucky as to pofTefs it 
 are as choice of it as of old gold, and in 
 
 * Upon condition of ftrit fecrecy. 
 
 truth
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 389 
 
 truth they are all men of good tafte j and 
 the author has made himfelf very famous 
 in Spain by a work which he published, 
 in the fame ftyle they fay as this book, 
 againft a certain writer who makes a great 
 noife in this age. So that if this be to 
 preach ill, and in a bad ftyle, I muft tell 
 your Paternity very plainly, that I never 
 think of preaching in any other ftyle 'or 
 any other manner as long as God (hall 
 grant me the ufe of my underftanding." 
 Hefaid; and without another word, tuck- 
 ing his beloved Florilegium under his arm, 
 turned his back rather abruptly upon that 
 reverend aflembly. 
 
 The Provincial was greatly irritated at 
 the boldnefs as well as ftupidity of his de- 
 claration and at his irreverent departure. 
 In the firft impulfe of his wrath he was 
 about to order him to be put in the dun- 
 geon j but fome Father Matters, who bet- 
 ter knew the fimplicity of Friar Gerund, 
 aflured him that it was nothing but pure 
 nature, and by no means impertinently 
 defigned. With this he was appeafed, and 
 contented himfelf with faying that if he 
 was at the beginning of his Provincialate, 
 as he was near the expiration of it, it 
 fhould be long enough before that block-' 
 C c 3 head,
 
 390 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 head, Gerund, mould mount the pulpit. 
 An. expreffion which one does not know 
 how mould efcape his mouth, as he was 
 a moderate and courteous man. 
 
 Whilft this was paffing in the cell of 
 the Provincial there was a terrible confu- 
 fion in the convent amongft the below- 
 flairs * Friars concerning this fame falu- 
 tation. The truth was that the greater 
 part were of the opinion of our father, 
 namely, that it was impofiible to preach 
 more abfurdly, whereas others defended 
 it as a moil valiant performance ; and 
 though they acknowledged he had talked 
 much nonfenfe, yet they exculpated him 
 with his youth and want of fludy, and in 
 fhort, faid, that his wonderful talents of 
 voice, action, and demeanour, fupplied 
 every thing. Above all, the formidable 
 party of the lay-brethren was intirely with 
 him, heart and voice, and every foul of 
 them was clearly of opinion that he ought 
 immediately to be ordained and made a 
 
 * The inferior and moft menial fervants in Spain are 
 called de E/calera abaxo the below-flairs fervants, as 
 from their being always occupied in the lower parts of 
 the houfe and the adjacent offices, they never afcend the 
 flairs; and the expreflion is here humouroufly applied 
 to the inferior Friars, and, farther on in the work, to 
 characters. 
 
 preacher.
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 391 
 
 preacher. But thofe amongft the lay-bre- 
 thren who were moft zealous for him, if 
 there could be degrees in the common zeal 
 with which they burnt, were the compa- 
 nion, or efpecial attendant, of the Provin- 
 cial, and the fecond clerk of the convent. 
 Thefe were votes of great confequence; 
 becaufe the companion had got the length 
 of the good Provincial's foot in fuch a man- 
 ner, that he had more weight with him 
 than a fcore of grave fathers, and it was a 
 current report in the province that he en- 
 tirely governed him. 
 
 Nor was our little clerk endued, in his 
 walk, with a lefs happy knack of creep- 
 ing into the affections and fubjugating the 
 will. He was as complete a lay-brother 
 as you could behold in a fummer's day ; of 
 middling feature, round face, pleafant 
 looks, a merry eye, fmart, active, offici- 
 ous, handy, and knew a thoufand little 
 snanual dexterities. He would cut paper- 
 ornaments, draw decently, make wooden 
 clocks, put a watch in order, and then to 
 tofs up a tit-bit or mix a cool-tankard, he 
 had the hand of an angel. By thefe clever- 
 neffes, and a certain good-natured flatter- 
 ing way the fellow had, he infmuated him- 
 felf into the cells, efpecially of the grave 
 C c 4 fathers,
 
 392 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 fathers, made their beds, cleaned their- 
 tables, milled their chocolate, and ferved 
 them in a thoufand other little offices ; and 
 as they found him ready for every thing, 
 he had gained not only the favour but the 
 confidence of the greater part, infomuch 
 that he almoft gave them the law, made 
 them do whatever he pleafed, and praife 
 whatever he praifed. It is not to be told 
 the infinite importance thefe two votes 
 were of to Friar Gerund, and after them 
 the votes of the reft of the lay-brethren -, 
 for the two firft fet themfclves with great 
 fuccefs to coax, and wheedle, and ftroak 
 the backs, the one of the Provincial, and 
 the other, of almoft all the grave fathers ; 
 whilit the red:, as each one had the faint 
 of his devotion, went on by little and lit- 
 tle overcoming the Friars of the mafs and 
 of the choir to that degree, that in a few 
 days the whole convent began to be per- 
 fuaded that Father Friar Gerund was an 
 excellent preacher, and deferved imme- 
 diate invefliturc with the proper powers. 
 
 CHAP.
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 393 
 
 CHAP. VII. 
 
 In which is treated of what the curious 
 reader will fee if he perufes it. 
 
 auxilio & defenforibus iftis, with 
 thefe doughty defenders and potent 
 panegyrifts, you might fee the fortune of 
 the day turning fo much on Gerund's fide, 
 that the whole community, except a few 
 fuper-fandtified fulky fouls, threw them- 
 felves upon the Provincial with the moft 
 prefllng inftances, that he would give him 
 letters dimiflbry for ordination, and ap- 
 point him a Sabatine preacher. His ftiff 
 integrity was long in bending, but at laft 
 the feat .was, finimed by the companion of 
 his Reverence, who knew him better than 
 the beggar knows his dim ; though he 
 would not yet ratify his confent in full 
 form, till one of the moft grave and ma- 
 turely-wife Fathers of the convent, who 
 was very fond of Gerund, but who rec- - 
 koned more upon his docility than he was 
 juftified in doing, became guarantee for 
 him that he fhould mend his manner of 
 
 preaching,
 
 394 Hie H I S T O R Y of 
 
 preaching, refolutely taking upon himfelf 
 the charge of inftru&ing him, fo that he 
 fhould preach at leaft with tolerable judg- 
 ment. Upon thefe conditions, which 
 were a wall of brafs to the confcience of 
 the good Provincial, he permitted him to 
 be ordained a prieft, and made him Saba- 
 tine preacher of that fame convent with 
 general applaufe. 
 
 He who more than all the reft celebrat- 
 ed the event, was the Father Friar Bias, 
 Predicador Mayor of the houfe, and the 
 oracle in preaching matters of our Friar 
 Gerund ; becaufe being now become in 
 fome manner his immediate fubaltern and 
 dependant, he had him at command to 
 form him intirely to his hand, and was 
 happy in figuring to himfelf that he mould 
 turn him out fuch a difciple, as would 
 perpetuate his mailer's fame -, which in 
 time was fully verified. 
 
 This being fufpected by the grave Fa- 
 ther who had anfwered for him to the 
 Provincial, and undertaken to inftruct him 
 before Friar Bias had completely corrupted 
 him, the faid Father, under the pretence 
 of going by way of recreation for fome 
 days to a certain grange or farm belonging 
 to the convent, took Gerund with him, 
 4- in-
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 395 
 
 intending to remain there a whole month, 
 on purpofe that he might have more time 
 to infinuate his inftrudions, hoping that 
 they would now take efTedr, as he had not 
 at his elbow the Predicador Mayor to 
 whom it had been chiefly owing that the 
 feed of good doctrine he had received 
 proved unfruitful. This grave Father was 
 calledjthe Matter Prudentio, and the name 
 agreed with him well, as he was a pru- 
 dent, wife, and more than ordinarily learn- 
 ed man, of a very courteous difpolition, 
 and good-natured even to excefs ; and on 
 that account eafy to be perfuaded to any 
 thing, and eafy, confequently, to be de- 
 ceived.- 
 
 The firft morning, then, after their ar- 
 rival at the Grange, as they were walking 
 out in a pleafant grove, faid the Matter 
 Prudentio in a kind tone to Friar Gerund, 
 " So now* my Friend Gerund, thou art 
 at laft a prieft of the Moft High, and Saba- 
 tine preacher of the convent ?" " Yes, Fa- 
 ther Matter", anfwered Gerund, " I am, 
 thanks be to God, and the intercefiion of 
 your Paternity, and that of the other good 
 fouls." " You know," continued Pru- 
 dentio, " that I am bound for you to the 
 Father Provincial that you fulfil your obli- 
 gation,
 
 396 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 gation, and do not bring us to fliame." 
 " Upon that head your Paternity may be 
 very eafy," replied Gerund, " for I hope 
 in God to acquit myfclf in fuch a manner, 
 that you will have no reafon to repent 
 your pledge." ' But how can that be, 
 man," faid the Father Matter, if you 
 have not fhidied a word of philosophy, 
 theology, rhetoric, or the holy fathers, 
 nor indeed of any faculty whatever; and 
 a perfect orator, fays Cicero, ought not 
 to be ignorant of any thing, as it will be 
 requifite, upon different occaiions, that 
 he fpeak of all things ?" 
 
 A converfation now enfues in which the 
 Father Mailer gives very good inft ructions 
 to the young preacher ; and in the courfe 
 of them the reading of good fermons being 
 recommended, Gerund afks Prudentio 
 which he thinks the bed:, and is told in 
 anfvver, that all comparifon is odious, but 
 that the fermons of St. Thomas de Villa- 
 neuva, of Friar Louis de Granada, and of 
 the venerable Father Antonio Visyra highly 
 merit his attention. Upon hearing the 
 name of the laft-mentioned author, Ge- 
 rund relates what the Barbadino * has faid 
 
 ^ .* It may be proper more fully to inform the reader 
 unacquainted with the Portugueze language that the 
 
 word
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 497 
 
 in his difpraife, and the Father Mafter, 
 allowing him not wholly free from fault, 
 makes a long and vehement defence of 
 him, introducing fome circumftances of 
 his hiftory. " As to perfuafive eloquence," 
 fays this father, " as to perfuafive elo- 
 quence, which is what alone deferves the 
 name of eloquence, let the Barbadino {hew 
 me a more aive, more vigorous, more 
 triumphant eloquence than that of the Fa- 
 ther Antonio Vieyra, 5cc. He is a Rhone, 
 a Danube, in his wondrous rapidity car- 
 ries, draws, forces, ravimes every thing 
 
 with him no understanding but what 
 
 yields to the convincing folidity of his ar- 
 gument, no heart that can refift the rapid, 
 vigorous, impulfes with which he com- 
 bats it no other fermons to be devifed 
 
 word Barbadini, before which he always finds an arti- 
 cle, is not a proper name, but a ftibftantrve epithet 
 given to a Capuchin. This order, a reform of the Fran- 
 cifcan, is the only one in which the beard is worn. 
 Barbadino is the diminutive of Barb ado ^ or the bearded. 
 
 The diminutive is ufed not from the fmallnefs of 
 
 their beards, buv from an idea of humility. It 
 
 ought properly to have been fpelled Barbadi/;o ; but 
 the Spaniih manner of writing it was copied. Tlicn 
 followed by an /; in Portugueze has the fame found as 
 the n in Spanifh, and both ~of them the Tame as the 
 French and Italian n preceded by a g_. The nearelt 
 found to which in Englifli is that of an n followed bv 
 
 \\ 
 
 hich
 
 398 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 which would conquer more fouls, efpe- 
 cially in an intelligent and cultivated audi- 
 ence" 
 
 The Father Antonio Vieyra was called 
 from Portugal * by the general of his or- 
 der -f , at the requeil of Pope Alexander 
 the feventh, of many cardinals, and of the 
 famous queen of Sweden, Chriftiana, at 
 that time at Rome, who had all a great 
 defire to hear him, from the fame which 
 was fpread of him all over Europe. After 
 having preached many times in the pre- 
 fence of the facred college, it was agreed 
 on all hands that he tvas ftill much greater 
 than his fame. After having preached, in 
 competition as we may fay, with the great- 
 eft orator of that age in Italy, the moft 
 Reverend Father John Paul Oliva, Apofto- 
 lic preacher to three popes, and general of 
 the Jefuit order ; notwithstanding the ele- 
 vated merit of this truly great man, not- 
 withftanding his being reputed, and with 
 reafon, as the Evangelical Demofthenes 
 of Italy j notwithftanding the natural pre- 
 poffeffion with which his countrymen mufl 
 neceflarily behold him; notwithftanding 
 
 * The country which gave birth to this great man. 
 f That of the Jciuits. 
 
 the
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 
 
 the weight thrown in the balance from re- 
 fpect, from dependence, from adulation, 
 or from all together, being the fupreme 
 head of all his order, and having an almoft 
 defpotic authority in the court of Rome; 
 notwithftanding all this, in the two fer- 
 mons preached on the festival of Saint Sta- 
 niflaus de Kofka, by the general and the 
 fubaltern, the Italian and the Portuguefe, 
 all hearers, both foreign and domeflic, 
 gave the preference to that of the latter. 
 This fame general, cautious and fparing 
 of their eulogies as all generals are, in a 
 letter he wrote afterwards from Rome to 
 Lifbon, calls Father Vieyra " The true in- 
 terpreter of fcripture, the fmgular organ or 
 channel of the Holy Spirit t the model of ora- 
 tors, and the father of eloquence!' Both 
 the pope and the queen of Sweden begged 
 with the utmo/l earneftnefs, that he would 
 remain in that court, the one in order to 
 have him for the oracle of his pontifical 
 chapel, and the other that he might be 
 the ornament of her royal, wife, and learn- 
 ed cabinet : but both debited from their 
 endeavour, not to mortify the moft religi- 
 ous and zealous father, who, having dedi- 
 cated himfelf by vow to the Apoftolic in- 
 ftru&ion of the ignorant negroes of the 
 
 Brazils,
 
 400 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 Brazils, and the applaufes which Europe 
 paid becoming intolerable to him, hum- 
 bly befought the head of the church and 
 that wife princefs, that they would fuffer 
 him to repair whither he was called by his 
 own fpirit, and that of the divine voca- 
 tion. Neither could he be detained in 
 Lifbon by the preffing inflances of the 
 king of Portugal, who would have fixed 
 him in that city, to have the comfort of 
 hearing him as a mafler from the pulpit,, 
 and obeying him as a father at the confef- 
 fional, giving up to him the direction of 
 his royal confcience. But the great Vieyra, 
 firm to the Apoftolic call, and fuperior to 
 all the fleeting honours with which the 
 world allured him, reprefented fo efficaci- 
 ly to the monarch, how much more and 
 how much better he might ferve him in 
 Brazil than Lilbon, that he was at length 
 reluctantly perfuaded to let him go. * 
 
 This moft extraordinary man was buried 
 in the year 1697, as appears by the infcrip- 
 tion under a print of him prefixed to his 
 works, at Baia in Brazil, " Frequentijfinw 
 urbis concurfu, ceterno or bis defiderio" 
 
 What
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 401 
 
 VPbat now, tf, after this eulogy and thefe 
 anecdotes* to counterbalance the many moft 
 ebfurd and ridiculous fermons, of which Jam- 
 pies have and will be feen in the courfe of this 
 work, and to make fome amends for having 
 greatly curtailed this Second Book of the Hi/lory 
 fat the end of which we are now arrive dj by 
 the omijjion of t'he critique on the Earbadinos 
 look, the reader foould be prefentcd by the 
 t ran/later with the gr eat ejl part of a Jermon 
 of a to'tally different complexion, of one of the 
 elegant and judicious fermons of the venerable 
 Pat her Antonio Vieyra, the true interpreter 
 of fcripture, th~ fingular organ or channel 
 of the Holy Spirit, the model of orators, 
 and the father of eloquence ? 
 
 It is hoped that the gentle reader will be 
 f leafed with the prefent, and, therefore, it 
 Jhall be made : and if an ungentle one^ or one 
 who may think that " Sine jocis nil eft ju- 
 cundum," foould knit his brows, and cry, 
 <{ Pfoaw ! are there not ferioujly-ftupid fer- 
 mons enough of our own growth /" He may 
 pafs it by, and proceed direflly to the Third 
 Book ivithoutlofs of time or hindrance of bufi- ' 
 ji+fs. 
 
 VOL, I. D d No
 
 402 VIEYRA'S SERMON. 
 
 Nojingular and fupereminent performance 
 of the great Vieyra Jhall be culled, but ex- 
 trafts given from one of the Jirjl fermons that 
 offers ; and this happens fortunately to be one 
 at almoft the end of a long ferles upon the 
 fame fubjeffi, ivben, or never, the fplrlt of 
 the writer may be fuppofcd to fag. T^hls 
 fcrmon is the tiventy-Jixth of the thirty upon 
 the Rofary, beginning in the cxx//6 page of 
 the fourth vol. Barcelona edit. 1752, and t he 
 parts of It 'which the reader will fee with 
 quotation-marks are tranjlated as literally as 
 they can pojjibly with any tolerable propriety 
 bs tranjlated* It begins thus, 
 
 " LITKE chap. xi. ver. 27. 
 
 4< Eeatm venter qul te portavit & ubera qua? 
 fuxijli ! 
 
 ". Bleiled is the womb that bare thee, and 
 " the paps which thou hafl fucked. 
 
 c nPHIS text which has been fo many 
 " times repeated and fo varioufly con- 
 
 " lidered, never had a more high and- 
 " more adequate interpretation than on 
 " the prefent occafion. The devout wo- 
 
 " m-an
 
 V i E V R A'S SERMON. 403 
 
 ** man in the Gofpel formed it anciently 
 *' with her words, and this very text is 
 " this day to be commented on by works. 
 " She blefTed the virgin womb arid facred 
 *' breads of Mary, Beatus venter qui te 
 *' porta^'it Gf ubera qua fuxlfti. And this 
 *' fame womb and thefe fame breads of* 
 *' Mary, are now canonized by the virtue 
 *' and miracles of her Rofary ; for the 
 *' virgin womb fupplied another womb, 
 ** and by the facred breads were other 
 ** breads fupplied. 
 
 " Singular, and in all its circumflances 
 ** admirable, is the cafe, my brethren* 
 " which I fhall now tell you, related by 
 " St. Alan de Rupe, in his book on the 
 *' birth of the Pfalter of the Virgin. Twd 
 *' young women of the mountains were 
 '* paffing through a defer t, when they 
 " were met by two mod fierce and hungry 
 f< wolves, which divided between them the 
 " innocent and defencelefs prey. One of 
 " thefe damfels was devoutly attached to 
 " the Rofary, which fhe every day re- 
 " hearfed ; the other not. To the lattet 
 " one of the wolves approached, and fix- 
 " ing his teeth in her throat, prefently- 
 " brought her lifelefs to the ground. 
 " What happened to the former I will 
 D d 2 " relate
 
 V* E Y R A'S S E R M O N. 
 
 " relate in the words of the author, which- 
 V are thefe, Qua Rofarium Beattffimee Vir- 
 " gmis recitare confueverat (mira res !J lu~ 
 " pus ejus ubera abrumplt, ventrem difcerpit t 
 " vtfcera voravit. Et ad hue triduo vixtf, 
 t in quo fmcere confitetur, devote communi- 
 " cat, fiduciqliter moritur. A Maria in- 
 " extremis vijitatur, & ad ctelorum gaudia 
 *' perdncitur that is to fay, The other 
 " wolf attacked the damfei who rehearfed 
 " the Rofary, tore off her breafts, lace- 
 " rated her womb, and eat it, and drew 
 ' out all her entrails. And did {he diredt- 
 " ly die too like her companion ? So it 
 < e would have been in the courfe of na- 
 ' ture; but becaufe Ihe was a devout of 
 e the Rofary, the Virgin, our Lady, pre- 
 " ferved her alive without heart or entrails 
 ** for three days, in which (lie performed 
 " the duty of confeffion much at her lei- 
 '* fure, and communicated deyoutly, and 
 " at the end of them our Lady herfclf vi- 
 *' fited her ;' and, as if the wolf had been 
 te a tyrant and fhe a martyr, carried her 
 " diredtly up into heaven *. Now let us 
 " remember thofe words which are the 
 " moft glorious comment upon our text> 
 
 * A privilege martyrs are intitled to, without vifiting 
 .purgatory. 
 
 " Ejus
 
 VIEYRA'S SERMON. 405- 
 
 Ejits ubera abrumpit, ventrem difcerpif. 
 t( And in feeing this damfel without 
 " breafts and without womb, yet alive, 
 " who but muft repeat many times to the 
 '* worker of fo fingular and fo ftupen- 
 " dous a prodigy, Beautus venter qul te 
 ' portavit & ubera qua fuxifti ! BleiTed 
 " virgin womb ! Beafus venter. For it 
 " fup plied another womb ; vent r em difcer- 
 " pit. And blefled facred breads ! Beafa 
 * ( ubera -, for they fupplied other breafts ; 
 " ubera abrumpit. 
 
 " This particular cafe, as a comment 
 " fo proper to the text I have propofed, 
 " fliall be the foundation of my difcourfc ; 
 " but in fuch a manner that from the par- 
 " ticular refpecl it mall be extended to the 
 " common on'e, that it may ferve all. We 
 ' {hall fee then, with the Divine grace, 
 " that as the Virgin our Lady, in reward 
 " for the devotion of the Rofary, fupplied 
 " in this her votary the want of what was' 
 " fo neceffary to her for this life and the 
 " other, fo (he does and will fupply, in 
 ' all who have the fame devotion, all 
 ' want of whatever is convenient for tern- 
 " poral life, and all want pf whatever is 
 " important for that which will be eter- 
 " nal. AVE MARIA. 
 
 D d 3 " Beatuf
 
 406 V i E y R A'S SERMON. 
 
 " Beat us venter qui te portavif, & 
 !' ubera quce fuxifti. 
 
 " What would become of this miferable 
 " world, fo defective and neceffitous, af- 
 f ter that by the fin and corruption of the 
 " firft man, it fell from the perfection and 
 " abundance with which God had creat- 
 ? ed and enriched it, if the Divine Pro- 
 " vidence and mercy had not provided it 
 " with a remedy equal to its necefiityj, 
 " which (hould be the univerfal fupple- 
 *' rnent of all our wants ? This fupple- 
 *' ment, devout Chriflians, is the mod 
 f powerful Vjrgin, our Lady, who, not 
 f only from her birth, by inclination and 
 " natural piety, but likewife ab tfternQ 
 " from her predeftination, and by virtue 
 *' of it, was chofen and deftined by God 
 ** for this moft glorious end. The Theo- 
 logifts afic, whether, in cafe Adam had 
 f not finned, the Son of God was or was 
 f c not to have become incarnate ? And the 
 'f opinion beft founded in the fecrets of 
 ft God himfelf, which he hath revealed to 
 ff us in the Holy Scriptures, is, that, in 
 " fuch a cafe, his Son, the eternal Word, 
 f f was not to have become incarnate, and 
 f confequcntly not to have had a mother, 
 " nor would there have been in the world 
 f the Virgin Mary. But as Adam did fin, 
 
 2 " Of
 
 V i E Y R A'S SERMON. 407 
 
 " or was to fin, the divine Prefcience fore- 
 " feeing that crime, which is juftly called 
 fs happy, O felix culpal this was the rea- 
 (t foji and the motive why God predefti- 
 *' nated the humanity of his Son, that, as 
 " an infinite repairer of that fin, he might 
 " give juft and adequate fatisfadion to the 
 " offended divinity. 
 
 "But if the Word might have been made 
 " man without having a mother, like A* 
 " dam, why did God ordain likewife ab 
 " aterno, that he fhould be born of a wo- 
 " man with a fecond predeftination* or the 
 " fecond part of it, likewife not necefiary 
 " but free. The reafon was, fay all the 
 " Saints, that as one woman introduced 
 " into the world the want of obedience and 
 " of grace, fo another woman mould be the 
 " redrefs and fupplement of it; the want 
 " by Eve, the fupplement by Mary. So 
 " that ab tefertwznd by virtue of her proper 
 " predeftination the Virgin, our Lady, was 
 " conceived, chofen, and deftined, firfl to 
 <' repair and fupply the wants of the firft 
 " mother in paradife, and afterwards thofe 
 " of the human race in all the world. The 
 " Virgin herfelf will tell it all to us, before 
 " her birth in figures, and after fhe was 
 f born ia perfon. 
 
 D 4 " Who
 
 V i E y R A'S SERMON. 
 
 " Who was ever more deftitute in this 
 " life and more in want of every thing ne- 
 " ceffary to it than the child Mofes, when 
 " his parents, not being able to hide him 
 " from the wrath of Pharaoh, (for by his 
 " crying he would difcover himfelf ) that 
 " they might not drown him with their 
 " own hands, launched him on the ftream 
 " in a bafket of rufhes, which had no 
 *' other property of a boat than that of 
 ' being caulked ? On the river were want- 
 *' ing to the child his father and mother, 
 " who remained on land -, in his little vefTel 
 " were wanting to him oars, fail, and pi- 
 "lot; above all was wanting to him his 
 " nourishment, bereaved of thofe breafts 
 " which gave him milk ; finally, he was 
 " wanting to himfelf, for he had neither 
 " arms to fwim with, nor judgment to 
 " know his danger, nor voice to befeech 
 " affiftance. Thus he went failing in the 
 * e midft of his own fhipwreck, fhrouded 
 " even in his fwadling-bands, and laid in 
 " the bafket of rufhes the new Argonaut 
 " of the Nile, when Mary his fitter ap- 
 " pears on the bank, fent thither by his 
 " parents to attend to the event. O for- 
 " tunate infant, in the midft of what ap- 
 " pears thy greateft unhappinefs ! And 
 
 ' ,7 " does
 
 V i E Y R A'S SERMON. 409 
 
 f does Mary affift Mofes? Then, though 
 " he wanted every thing, (he (hall fupply 
 " whatever he may want. No one can 
 *' defire a better guide or pilot to his fhip 
 " than the eyes which Mary fixes on it. 
 < She here (hews plainly that me al- 
 " ready reprefented in name and actions, 
 " her, who was afterwards called the 
 " Latly of Good Direction, and of the Hap- 
 " py Voyage *. The eyes of Mary, then, 
 " which on this occafion ferved as oars 
 ? f againfl the force and violence of the cur- 
 " rent, kept calling the barque to (here, 
 " and the child found harbour in no lefs 
 " than the princefs of Egypt's arms. A 
 *? nurfe mud be found to wipe the tearf 
 " from its eyes and give it milk : Mary 
 " offers herfelf for the feeker of a nurfe. 
 " And whom do you think fhe would 
 " bring ? The genius only of one who had 
 " that name could form fuch a fcheme. 
 '* The mother of Mofes himfelf is brought 
 f c for a nurfe, to whom the princefs deli- 
 " vers him up, ftrongly recommending 
 " her being careful of him as of her own 
 <f child, with a royal promife of being well 
 
 * Two titles under which the Virgin is invoked by 
 
 :i.7,- 
 
 " rewarded
 
 410 Vl E Y R A*S SE R M O N. 
 
 " rewarded for her trouble. Now I afk, 
 " if there is wanting to Mofes any of the 
 " many things which before were want- 
 " ing ? Now he has a father, now he has 
 " a mother, now he has nourifhment, 
 *' now he is on land, now he has life, and 
 *' now he has what was wanting to him, 
 " and he could never hope to attain, which 
 " is, to be the adopted fon of that very 
 *' king of Egypt who had commanded him 
 " to be thrown to the crocodiles of the 
 * c Nile. Thus Mary knows how to fup- 
 *' ply the wants of thofe who are recom- 
 " mended to her by their virtues, though 
 *' they may not be particularly devoted to 
 /' her. But what, if they mould be her 
 " brothers, as Mofes was to Mary, and in 
 " that relation to the Virgin Hand all the 
 " brethren of the Rofary ? But we are not 
 t come to that yet. 
 
 " Faffing on to the New Teflament ; 
 " a certain marriage was celebrated in 
 *' Cana of Galilee, at which fays the Evan- 
 *' gelifl the Mother of Jefus was prefent: 
 " John ii. i. Ef erat mater ^cfu ibi. Some 
 f ' will wonder that the Virgin Mary mould 
 " be found there and aflift at fuch fort of 
 " entertainments as wedding-feafls -, not as 
 f< a Virgin, for the Virgia-flate, though 
 
 ' fo
 
 VIEYRA'S SERMON. 411 
 
 ft fo fublime, defpifes nor condemns not 
 ( ' that of marriage, but as Mother of the 
 " Saviour ; Mater Jefu. As Mother of 
 " the Saviour this Lady was feen at the 
 " foot of the crofs and appeared well there, 
 ft John xix, 25. Stabat juxta crucem 'Jefu 
 " Mater ejus, accompanying his destitution, 
 f< fuffering the fame pains, and co-operaf- 
 fl ing in the very redemption. There it 
 " was that the Mother of Jefus appeared 
 " well; but at marriages! at banquets! Et 
 " erat Mater Jefu ibi! Yes, me was there, 
 f * and afiifted at the banquet and the mar- 
 '* riage, to fupply what might be wanting 
 " to them : and where there is, or is to be, 
 " want, there it is where the Mother of 
 ft Jefus cannot be wanting, and there 
 " where (he affifts ; .Erat Mater Jefu ibi. 
 *' Chrifl and his Difciples were likewile at 
 " the fame marriage, but the Evangelift 
 *' remarks that they were invited; John 
 * ii. 2. Vocatus eft Jefus & Difcipuli ejus, 
 <* But of this Lady it is not faid that (he 
 *' was invited; becaufe me herfelf, and her 
 *' providence, and her obligation invited 
 ft her and drew her thither, that if, 
 " through the poverty or the negligence 
 " of the married pair, any thing mould be 
 V wanting, fhe by her carefulnefs and cha- 
 
 " rity
 
 4i2 V i E Y R A'S SERMON. 
 
 " rity might fupply it. The event fliewecj 
 "it; and thus {he went miraculoufly fup- 
 " plying that which was deficient; ibid, 
 "3. Deficient e vino. 
 
 " But let us hear the reply of Chrift, in 
 " which more ftrongly fhines this provi- 
 " dence, and thefe powers in the fovereign 
 " Mother. This Lady reprefented to her 
 " Son, as creator of all things, the defici- 
 " ency there was; ibid. 3. f^inum non ha- 
 " bent. And the Lord, as furprifed at her 
 '*' implied requeft, anfwered, ibid. 4. Quid 
 " mihi & tibi? what bufinefs is it of yours 
 *' or mine, what is wanting in the houfe or 
 "at the table of other people? ibid. 5. 
 ' Nondum vcnit bora mea ; my hour for 
 " working miracles is not yet come. But, 
 " notwithstanding, this Lady did not defift 
 " from profecuting the remedy of that want, 
 " faying to them who ferved, that they 
 *' mould do whatever her Son commanded 
 " them, as if me had faid to Him himfelf, 
 " If your hour for working miracles is 
 " not yet come, my care and obligation to 
 " fupply what is wanting, pays not regard 
 "to hours; and the fame hour in which 
 " things are wanting, that is my hour." 
 ' The Lord at length commanded that the 
 " pots in which there was no wine fhould 
 
 " be
 
 VIEYRA'S SERMON;; 413* 
 
 tc be filled with water, which was imme- 
 " diately con verted with abundande and im- 
 " provement into the very liquor that was 
 " wanting. In this manner did the mod 
 " gracious Mary fupply in this want, not 
 " only one, but many wants, and the wants 
 " of many. To the governor of the feaft 
 " (he fupplied the want of attention, to 
 " the married couple the want of provifion, 
 " to the table the want of drink, and even 
 " to Chrift himfelf the want of time, cauf- 
 '.' ing that to be anticipated which was not 
 "arrived. Finally, of all thofe Avho were 
 .* prefent, this Lady alone took notice of the 
 "want, becaufe in the governor of the 
 " feaft it was a thing to be condemned, 
 "in the married couple to be forry for, in 
 " the guefls to wonder at, and for this Lady 
 ' pnly to fupply. 
 
 " Thus was the Virgin Mary from her 
 ' predeilination chofen,and thus is (he in- 
 clined and intent from her birth in this 
 " defective world, to remedy and fupply all 
 "the wants which are fuffered in it; but 
 " much more fo fince the inftitution of her 
 " Rofary, in aflifting and rewarding its vo- 
 " taries. Now comes in its proper place 
 " the notice of that prodigious event I re- 
 '*prefented in the beginning; in which 
 
 < it
 
 414 V i E Y # A'S SERMON. 
 
 '* it is not eafy to fet forth, or even com- 
 " prehend the many and various wants* 
 " difficult and intricate to excefs, which 
 " this Lady therein fupplied, and in a 
 " manner beyond all admiration ad- 
 " mirable. 
 
 " She fupplied life in the want of all the 
 " means and inftrtiments of life itfelf; and 
 " againft all the difpofitions and caufes of 
 " death prevented the foul from going out 
 " at that great door for the name of 
 f( wound is little and detained it there. 
 " He only who can comprehend the ana* 
 " tomy of the human body, the depen- 
 " dence and harmony of all its parts, and 
 " the admirable artifice with which the in^ 
 " ftruments which fuftain it are continu- 
 " ally at work hiddenly or infenfibly with- 
 " in us (whence David fays to the divine 
 *' artificer himfelf of this fabric, Pfalm 
 *' cxxxviii. Mirabilis faffia eftfcientia tua ex 
 " me) he only who can comprehend all 
 " this, can fully underftand how many 
 '' miracles are contained in the foul's not 
 " feparating from that body fo mangled 
 '* and empty, and a woman's being pre- 
 *' ferved alive in it after a wild beaft had 
 '* torn out and devoured all her entrails. 
 *' Without them me muft have wanted 
 
 ' blood,
 
 VIEYRA'S SERMON. 415 
 
 16 blood, {he muft have wanted veins, me 
 " muft have wanted arteries, {he muft 
 " have wanted animal and vital fpirits, and 
 " fhe muft have wanted above all the heart, 
 " the fountain, and principle of life. And 
 " that in this ftate fhe fhould live, fpeak, 
 " underftand, and cxercife intirely all the 
 " operations of fenfitive and rational life, 
 " bringing to remembrance her fins, be- 
 " wailing them with voluntary repentance, 
 " confefling them with her tongue, and 
 " only not ftriking her breafts, becaufe me 
 " had none ! O miracle above all miracles, 
 " in which the Mother of the Sovereign 
 " Artificer himfelf ieemed to vye with and 
 " to furpafs him in his own work! 
 
 The manner in which the Mother of 
 God fupplied what was wanting in that 
 body, almoft a corpfe, but truly alive, I 
 have already faid was beyond all admira- 
 tion admirable ; becaufe me did not fub- 
 ftitute for the torn-ofF breafts other 
 breafts, or give another heart, entrails, 
 and womb, but with the very privation 
 of the things which were wanting, or 
 the nothing of them, {he fupplied all. 
 This is a perfection, an excellence, a 
 " curioufnefs of fupplement never feen, 
 
 " even 
 
 " 
 
 "
 
 V i E Y R A ' s SERMON; 
 
 " even in the works of God himfelf, fined 
 " the beginning of the World. In the 
 " firft three days of the creation, becaufe 
 " there was no fun, (fince it was created 
 " on the fourth,) God fupplied the want 
 " of the fun with light, and that made 
 4t day, Gen. i. Fiat litx y & faff a eft lux, 
 " appellavitque lucem diem. After Eve was 
 " created, a rib was wanting to Adam, of 
 " which me was formed, and God fuppli- 
 " ed the want of this rib with an equal 
 " quantity of flem, Gen. ii. Replevit car- 
 " nem pro ea. Cain flew Abel, and God 
 " fupplied the want of that fon to the 
 " mother with another called Seth, as me 
 " herfelf faid, Gen. iv. Pofuit mlbi Deux 
 " Semen alind pro AbeL 
 
 " So that God always fupplied the want 
 " of one tbing with fome other thing. 
 " But to fupply the want with the want 
 44 itfelf, or the thing with the privation 
 "and the nothing of it, this perfection,' 
 " excellence, and curioufnefs of fupple- 
 " ment God referved for his mother *.'' 
 
 * It would be very weak in any. per fon to nrgufc 
 againfl the reality of this miracle from the want of the 
 teftimony of fenfe, or the vifibility of it; as weak as it 
 wou'd be to argue againft the undoubted miracle of 
 
 Tran-
 
 V J E V R A'S S E R M N. 
 
 417 
 
 The preacher here confiders an objection 
 tvhich might be made, why the Lady of 
 
 *Tranfobftantiatiori, which is every day wrought without 
 Ocular proof. Regnttm Dei non venit cum obfervatione. 
 
 The venerable Vieyra is not to be fuppofed, by the 
 reader who may be unacquainted with the writers of the 
 Romifh Church, to advance any novel Doctrine in fpeak- 
 ing fo highly as he does in this fermon of the power of 
 the Virgin Mary. It is fpoken of, or meant to be fpoken 
 of, as highly by them all ; and if they fall fhort of the 
 venerable Vieyra in their exprcffion of it, it is only be- 
 caufe they fall mortof him in genius. -One very happy 
 illuftration of the power of the Virgin is to be met with 
 in the eighteenth volume of the Memoirs def&adamle 
 des Infcrlptions et Bsllei Letti es, tvhich the reader may 
 not be difpleafed to fee. 
 
 Un moine revenoit d'une maifon dans laquelle il s'in- 
 troduifoit toutes les nuits. II avoit a fon retotir une ri- 
 viere a traverfer : Satan renverfa Je bateau, & le moinc 
 fut noye comme il commen<joit J'invitatoire des matiries 
 de la Vierge. Deux Diables fe faififient de fon ame, 
 & font arretes par deux anges qui la reclarnent en qua- 
 tite de chretienn. *' Seigneurs Anges (difent les diables) 
 il eft vrai que Dieu eft mort pour fes amis, & ce n'elt 
 pas une fable ; mas celui-ci etoit du nombre des ennemis 
 de Dieu ; &, puifque nous 1'avons trouve dans 1'ordure 
 du peche, nous allons le jetter dans le bourbier de 1'en- 
 fer ; nous ferons bien recompenfes de nos prevots." 
 Apres biert des conteftations les anges propofent de por- 
 ter le differend au tribunal de la Vierge. Les <Iiables 
 repondent qu'ils prendront volontiers Uieu pour juge, 
 parcequ'il jugeoit felon les loix : " Mais, pour la Vierge 
 (difent-ils) nous n'en pouvons efperer de juftice : e)Je 
 briferoit toutes les portes de 1'enfer plutot que d'y laifler 
 un feul jour celui qui de fon vivant a fait quelques re- 
 verences a fon image. Dieu ne la contredit en rien i 
 elk peut dire que la pie eft noire & que 1'eau trouble eft 
 claire ; il lui accorde tout ; nous ne iavon* plus ou ncms 
 
 VOL. I. E e e
 
 /J.l8 V I E Y R A'S S E R M O N. 
 
 the Rofary did not prevent the Wolf from 
 hurting the Damfel, the poffibility of 
 which he acknowledges, and thus exem- 
 plifies : 
 
 " One of Queen's Children, a little 
 " girl, fell from a window of the Palace 
 " into an Area in which a Lion was kept 
 " confined, in whofe paws they expected 
 " to fee her die if fhe mould efcape from 
 " the fall. The child wore a Rofary for 
 " ornament j for Rofaries were the neck- 
 " laces of Ladies in thofe days. The 
 " keeper of the beaft and the other fervants 
 " ran diredtly to the place, and what they 
 " law and heard, was, that the Lion hav- 
 " ing attacked the child, fhe had thrown 
 *' her Rofary round his neck, and was 
 " playing her little hands amongft his 
 " maggy locks* and fondling him as if he 
 " had been a lap-dog, faying to him very 
 *' prettily, " Lion, Lion, don't eat me, 
 ' for I am to be a Nun in Caftile." 
 
 But, the preacher fays, that, as in the 
 cafe of Lazarus, who was furTered to die 
 that the Son of God might be glorified, 
 
 en fommes ; d'un nmbefas ells fait uh terne, d'un 
 doublc-deux un qnine; ellc a le dez & la chance. Le 
 jour que Dieu fit fa mere fut bien fatal pour nous." 
 
 this
 
 V i E Y R A'S SERMON. 419 
 
 this Damfel was fuffered to be thus torn by 
 the Wolf, that the Mother of God might 
 be glorified. 
 
 " Such then was the manner, beyond all 
 " admiration admirable, in which the Mo- 
 " ther of God fupplied what was wanting, 
 " through the voracioufnefs of the Wolf. 
 " Let us remember the words of St. Alan, 
 " Vbera abrumpit, vent r em difcerpit, &c. 
 " The Virgin womb fupplied the womb, 
 " and the facred Breads, &c. 
 
 " And that no one may doubt that to 
 " work this miracle was the peculiar pro- 
 " perty of the Virgin Mary in the quality 
 " of the Lady of the Rofary and for the 
 (t merits of the Rofary itfelf, her own Son, 
 '* whom {he carried in that very womb 
 " and nourimed at thofe verv breafts, cele- 
 " brated it, and fung thus in his language, 
 " which is that of the Hebrew text : Chrift 
 " fpeaking of the blefled Belly of his Mo- 
 " ther, fays, Venter tuns Jicut acervtts tri- 
 " citi, <uallatus Rofts. Cantic. vii. 2. Ex 
 " Text. Hebr. And fpeaking of her iacred 
 " Breads, fays, in the fame manner, Ubera 
 " tuaficut duo hinnull gemdli caprte qui paf- 
 " cuntur in Ro/is. We mall come to the 
 E e 2 " Rofes
 
 420 V i E Y R A's SERMON. 
 
 *' Rofes * prefently. Let us firft confider 
 et the two extraordinary comparisons of 
 " the Belly and the Breads, which as they 
 " are bucolic and paftoral, are both ex- 
 " preffed in rural and country terms. Thy 
 <f Belly, he fays, is like an heap of wheat, 
 " Venter tuus Jicut acervus trltlcl. The 
 " connection which wheat has with the 
 " Belly, is, that the former is ordained for 
 <f the fuftenance of the latter : therefore if 
 " the Belly is praifed as wheat, Jicut acer- 
 " VUS triciti, it is a Belly which fuftains 
 " another Belly. And this was the miracle 
 " of the Virgin Belly, which fuftained 
 " that of the devout Damfel after it had 
 *' been devoured. Thy Breafts he fays are 
 ** like little twin mountain-kids which 
 ** fuck, Sicut duo hinnuli gemelli qui paf- 
 " cuntur. Breafts do not fuck to fuftain 
 " themfelves with milk, but are fucked 
 " to fuftain other things j therefore, if the 
 * f Breafts are praifed as things which fuck* 
 " ficut fa'nnu/i, they are Breafts which fuf- 
 *' tain other Breafts ; and thefe were the 
 
 * A plain proof that our verfion of the Bible is 
 erroneous, as it fays nothing of Rofes in either of thefe 
 pafTages ; and the venerable Father informs us he takes 
 them ex Text. Hebr. nor is any thing faid about the 
 fucking of what are there called Reft 3 but we find it 
 fliould be Kids. 
 
 facred
 
 V I E Y R A*S SERMON. 421 
 
 " facred Breafts which fuftained thofe of 
 " the devout Damfel, after they had been 
 " food to the Wolf. This being premifed, 
 " now come the Rofes. And why does 
 " the text fay that the Belly is fet round 
 " with Rofes, Vallatus Rojis? And that 
 " Rofes are the things which fuftain the 
 " Breafts, $ui pafcuntur in Rofis ? Becaufe 
 " the miracle of the Belly and Breafts of 
 " the Damfel (not they fuftained in her, 
 " but me fuftained without them) was all 
 < { for the miracle of the Rofes, which like- 
 " wife in rural Metaphor, in name, and in 
 *' virtue, reprefented the Rofary. 
 
 " From this cafe, fo particular and pro- 
 " digious, follow, as from their trunk, the 
 " univerfal fruits which I promifed to ga- 
 " ther from it; it being certain, as we 
 " (hall now fee, that as the Virgin, our 
 " Lady, in reward for the devotion of the 
 " Rofary, fupplied in this Damfel, &c. 
 *' (he will fupply in all, all wants Tem- 
 *' poral and Eternal. Come now, all pea- 
 * l pie, and I will {hew them, &c. 
 
 "Beginning with the Temporal ; what 
 " doft thou want ? I want that which fup- 
 st plies all wants, which is money. Thus 
 " fays a poor man, and thus all may fay. 
 f But /fay, that, if they rehearfe the Ko- 
 fi c 3
 
 422 VIEYRA'S SERMON. 
 
 ' fary every day to the Mother of God, fl>e 
 " will abundantly fupply this want." 
 
 Inftances are here given of this being fo 
 completely done in France and Germany, 
 that the good people on whom the mira- 
 cle was wrought became fo rich that 
 " they maintained all the poor in the coun- 
 " try in which they lived." 
 
 One may be rich, but yet unhappy from 
 the want of children. The devotion of the 
 Rofary brings down the bleffing of fruit- 
 fulnefs ; as is {hewn by inconteftable ex- 
 amples in France and Holland. 
 
 Who has more wants than the poor fol- 
 dier ? Particularly thofe of defence in the 
 day of battle, and of fecurity againft the 
 fevere laws of his commanders ? Yet in the 
 late wars in Flanders many foldiers, by 
 virtue of repeating the Rofary, found the 
 bullets of their enemies ftrike againft them 
 but as pellets of wax, and fall harmlefs to 
 the ground. " Two foldiers being con- 
 " demned to die for having broken an edict 
 " of the duke of Alva, their confefibr 
 " knowing the extreme feverity of the 
 " general, gave them no hopes of life, but 
 *' exhorted them to recommend themfelves 
 " to the Lady of the Rofary. One of them, 
 " an hardened and obftinate wretch, paid 
 
 " no
 
 VIEYRA'S SERMON. 42? 
 " no attention to his advice ; but the other 
 " embraced it heartily, and fet himfelf to 
 " repeating the Rofary with all the devo- 
 " tion and ardour which the urgency of 
 " the cafe required. At length they were 
 " carried forth to punimment, each feat- 
 " ed on an afs, as is the ufual cuftom ; and 
 *' the event was, that the afies paffing, 
 " furrounded by guards, before a church, 
 " the afs which carried the foldier who 
 " had repeated the Rofary broke through 
 " the midft of the throng with fuch fury 
 '* that he could not be flopped, and enter- 
 " ing into the church went up to a chapel 
 *' of the Lady of the Rofary, under the 
 " Sacred Immunity of which the foldier 
 " remained not only fecure but free." 
 
 To the foldier follows the litigant; a 
 poor widow, who, having neither money 
 nor friends, had a cruel and unjuft decree 
 made againfl her by the judge ; but by vir- 
 tue of her attachment to the Rofary, the 
 words were fo changed in the judge's 
 mouth, as to appear on the record wholly 
 in her favour. 
 
 A good woman was unhappy from the 
 want of her hufband's love ; (lie repeated 
 the Rofary, and foon found him at her 
 feet in an humble pofture. 
 
 E e 4 " I go
 
 424 V i E Y R A'S SERMON. 
 
 " I go on repeating fo many examples, 
 " becaufe I believe the variety of them in 
 " all ftates, and the miraculous manner 
 " in which the Virgin of the Rofary flies 
 " to the affiftance of her votaries, and fup- 
 *' plies all their wants, will not caufe dif- 
 *' guft to you 5 and efpecially as tbefe ex- 
 " ample s are neceffary to our fubjeft t for 
 (t 'without them <we cannot prove nor per- 
 "fuade." 
 
 Who undergo more dangers than fea- 
 faring people, particularly from the Moors 
 and from florms ? Companies of Moors lie 
 in ambum frequently on the fouthern coaft 
 of Spain to kidnap unwary paflengers. A 
 religious Portuguefe travelling that way, 
 was fet upon by one of thefe companies; 
 he had immediate recourfe to his Rofary, 
 and, as if a flam of lightning had iflued 
 from each bead, the Moors were all fud- 
 denly ftruck blind : the delivered traveller 
 returned thanks to the protecting lady, and 
 laughing at the blind Moors, joyfully pur- 
 fued his journey. 
 
 Againft ftorms, the preacher himfelf 
 can prove the efficacy of the Rofary from 
 his own experience. He was once in fuch 
 a ftorm that the mip loft all her mafls, 
 but upon the whole crew promifing to re- 
 peat
 
 VIEYRA'S SERMON. 425 
 
 peat the Rofary every day of their lives 
 the florm ceafed, and another fhip imme- 
 diately appeared which took them from 
 their own difabled one and carried them to 
 fliorc. 
 
 In a voyage from Europe to Brafil a fai- 
 lor fell overboard, and was brought to the 
 (hip four days afterwards riding on fifh- 
 back. 
 
 " Captain Alan, famous in the hiftories 
 " of the Rofary, to which he was moft 
 " devoted, upon his fhip's going to the 
 " bottom in the midft of the fea, and 
 " every other foul on board being drown- 
 " cd, found himfelf in that very place on 
 *' fhore, and walking upon land, made 
 " unequal by little hills and fome moun- 
 <s tains : at the end of them he obferved 
 ** (for he went counting them) that the 
 " mountains were fifteen and the hills an 
 ' hundred and fifty; for of that very 
 <* Rofary which he wore about him had 
 " our Lady made a bridge of firm land 
 " over the waves of the fea *." 
 
 That amongft the variety of ftates men 
 of letters may not be excluded, feverai 
 
 * Rofaries generally confift of an hundred and fifty 
 fmall beads (for Aves) aud fifteen large ones (for Pater- 
 ncjlers. 
 
 8 proofs
 
 426 V i E y R A'S SERMON. 
 
 proofs are given of the Rofary's conferring 
 great abilities,- and particularly, " An- 
 " other ftudent, who wanted neither parts 
 " nor memory, was ib unapt to poetry 
 " that he could not join three fyllables to- 
 " gether which would run in a verfe ; but 
 " being taught, not by his mafter, but by 
 " his mother, to repeat the Rofary, fo 
 *' fruitful a vein of poety was opened in 
 * him, that he directly not only far ex- 
 " ceeded all his fellow-ftudents but became 
 " equal to the poets of greateft fame *." 
 
 Poor fouls fhut up in prifon want liber- 
 ty ; the Virgin has often miraculoufly de- 
 livered them for their devotion of the 
 Rofary. 
 
 Then as to difeafes, the laft temporal 
 consideration with our preacher, the Rofary 
 is a Panacea. No fever, of whatever- 
 kind, no diforder of the eyes, the ears, or 
 tongue ; no (tone, no gout, no dropfy, no 
 plague, no lamenefs, no wound, not even 
 the apoplexy, nor confirmed rnadnefs, can 
 withftand its power. 
 
 With regard to eternal concerns, we 
 ftand in need of reliftance againft tempta- 
 tions, of repentance, and of grace. 
 
 * If the preacher had mentioned the name of this 
 poet, the reader ihould have been acquainted with it. , 
 
 " A beau-
 
 VIEYRA'S SERMON. 427 
 
 '" A beautiful but wicked woman in 
 " Mexico tempted a youth, who was 
 " caught eafily in her lure. And both of 
 " them going out of the city, by her ad- 
 " vice, to a place fit for the execution of 
 " what they had concerted, the woman 
 " told him that he muft firft lay afide a 
 ' Rofary which he wore round his neck 
 " covered by his cloaths. The youth fur- 
 " prifed that (he (hould fee what he car- 
 " ried fo hiddenly, began to fufpect fome 
 " evil, and anfwered that he would not for 
 " the world lay afide the Rofary on which 
 " he every day repeated his prayers to the 
 " Mother of God. And what does the 
 " woman, feeing this refiftance ? (he ceaf- 
 " ed fuddenly to appear as (he had before 
 " appeared, and manifefted what {he was; 
 " for under that difguife it was the devil, 
 " who, now transformed into a moft hide- 
 " ous figure, faid to him, May that Ro- 
 " fary, and the many times you have re- 
 " peated it, avail you! for if you had 
 " thrown it from you, I ftiould have car- 
 " ried you directly into hell." 
 
 A poor wretch fold himfelf to the devil, 
 and gave him a contrad!:, as is ufual, fign- 
 <ed with his blood. He immediately be- 
 came rich, but was very unhappy. In 
 
 this
 
 428 V i E Y R A'S SERMON. 
 
 this ftate he chanced, to go into a church, 
 not with a pious defign, on the feftival of 
 the Rofary. '* The fermon was not like 
 " thofe which are ordinarily heard on that 
 " day, employed all in the defcription of 
 " the Queen of Flowers and the excellence 
 ** of the Rofe, without more fubftance 
 * c than the appearance of fhe Metaphor and 
 ** the found of the Name; but the difcourfe 
 " was a folid and uieful one (fuch as they 
 " truly ought to be) founded in the virtue 
 ** and powers of the devotion and myfte- 
 ** ries of the Rofary, and all co?ifirm"d by au- 
 *' t bent ic and experienced examples which are 
 S( ivhat alone prove and perfuade." This 
 miferable flave of the devil was ftruck with 
 what he heard, and refolved to try what 
 the Rofary would do towards redeeming 
 him from his captivity. His infernal maf- 
 ter failed not endeavouring to diffuade him, 
 laughing at his new hope, appearing to 
 him whenever he was repeating his Rofary, 
 fhewing him his contradt, and telling him 
 that he troubled himfelf in vain, for that 
 he was his, and mould be fo to all eternity. 
 But, one day, as the penitent captive was 
 proflrating himfelf before the Image of 
 our Lady of the Rofary, he faw a paper 
 drop from her hand ; he took it up, and 
 
 from
 
 VIEYRA'S SERMON. 429 
 
 from the writing and figning found it was 
 the very identical contract by which he 
 had fold himfelf to the devil. But the 
 miracle flopped not here : he looked at it 
 again, and behold, not a ftroke of a letter 
 was to be feen, the whole being complete- 
 ly erafed. 
 
 " St. Dominic happened to meet in 
 " Italy with a famous robber who belong- 
 * ed to a gang. The pious father attempt-- 
 " ed in vain to convert him, but at length 
 " prevailed fo far as to make him promife 
 " to repeat the Rofary every day; which 
 " he conftantly did, whenever he was at 
 " leifure from robbery and murder. In a 
 *' (hort time he died of a difeafe, and was 
 " buried by his companions, without any 
 " religious acl, impioufly and brutally as he 
 *' had lived. After he had been buried 
 " two years, St. Dominic happened to pafg 
 *' that way again, when he heard a con- 
 " fufed and plaintive voice, but could not 
 " tell whence it proceeded, 'till coming to 
 " the very fpot where he was buried, he 
 *' found it proceeded thence ana could 
 " hear it fay diftindly, " O F::thsr Friaf 
 *' Dominic, fervant of the living God, 
 " have pity on me !" The earth being open- 
 ** ed, there came out, to the aftonimment 
 
 "of
 
 430 VIEYRA'S SERMON. 
 
 " of all thofe who accompanied the faint, 
 *' a living man. Being ailced who he was, 
 " he faid, " Father, I am that great rob- 
 " ber, whom you endeavoured to convert, 
 " and I would not, and only agreed to re- 
 " peat the Rofary according to your ad- 
 " vice. My companions buried me here 
 " alive, thinking I was dead, on account 
 " of a long fit I was in. Being buried and 
 " covered with earth, it might naturally 
 " be expected I mould die directly, and go 
 " to fuffer in hell the pains to which I was 
 te condemned for my wicked life; but the 
 ' Sovereign Virgin Mary obtained of her 
 ' bleffed Son that I mould not die, and that 
 " thefe two years, in which I have fuffer- 
 " ed the mod horrible pains, mould ferve 
 " me inftead of purgatory." This he faid 
 " in public; and then confefling his fins to 
 " the faint, as foon as he had received ab- 
 " folution and communicated, the body 
 <e dropped down dead, and the foul, with 
 " the grace of the Sacrament, which alone 
 st had been wanting to it, went up to be 
 *' with the Lord in Glory." 
 
 The mofl convincing and irrefragable 
 proof of the virtue of the Rofary, the 
 preacher, like a true orator, has reierved 
 for the lafc. He now only touches again 
 upon the Breafts and Belly and concludes, 
 i We
 
 VIEYRA'S SERMON. 431 
 
 I'be T^ranjlator has endeavoured to be 
 rel'igioujly juji to the original. He has not 
 prefumed to add any thing : And if he has 
 omitted fome of the venerable Father's proofs, 
 they were fuch only as were not fo very ex- 
 cellent and Jlr iking as thofe which have been 
 laid before the reader. 
 
 If there would not be an impropriety in 
 mixing foreign matter with this difcourfe, the 
 tranjlator would be glad to be indulged in 
 juft mentioning a piece of dot-trine of this truly 
 venerable Father, which he was pleafmgly 
 Jlruck with, and greatly admired when he, 
 read it, and which he finds in the beginning 
 of the twenty-third Sermon of this feries 
 upon the Rofary at the lxxxvii/,6 page of the 
 fourth Volume. The preacher is relating 
 with much grace the Jiory of the trial of 
 wit on " What is the jlrongejl thing?" from 
 the fourth chapter of the firft book of Efdras, 
 and acknowledges the fentence of Zorobabel, 
 who faid that Truth was the Jlrongejl thing, 
 to be better than thofe of his competitors; 
 but the fagacious Father has a fentence of 
 his own which isjlitl better than ZorababeVs, 
 for he fays that he has found by experience, 
 that there are much Jlrongcr things than 
 Truth, and they are LIES. 
 
 THE
 
 [ 432 1 
 
 THE 
 
 HISTORY 
 
 O F T H E 
 
 FAMOUS PREACHER 
 
 FRIAR GERUND, 
 
 BOOK in. 
 
 CHAP. I. 
 
 Of a fearrabas-like trick which the foul 
 k Jiend played Friar Gerund to clinch the 
 nail of his folly* 
 
 TH E very critical and very curious 
 reader will have obferved perhaps 
 (and yet it is very natural that he fhould 
 not obferve) that the divifion of my work 
 and the beginning of this third book is 
 not according to art. For tbe firft book 
 having finilhed with the childhood and 
 
 firft
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 433 
 
 firft part of the education of our incompa- 
 rable Friar Gerund, and left him in the 
 noviciate, habited a Religious; it feemed 
 that the lecond fhould have clofed with the 
 ftudies, great or little, which he followed 
 in it, and that the third ought to begin 
 from his being dubbed a Prieli andSabatine 
 preacher ; inafmuch as this new ftate, and 
 likewife this new employ conftituted an, 
 epoch in his life, natural, opportune, and 
 proper for this third divifion. Whence 
 perchance will this obferving reader im- 
 peach poor book the fecond upon the article 
 of his laft chapter, pleading that he hath 
 infringed on the rights of the third book, 
 and that it was an ufurpation and tyranny 
 to deprive him of the faid chapter. 
 
 I will not fwear that he who (hall make 
 this remark may not have fome fhadow or 
 appearance of reafon. But befides that hi- 
 therto no pragmatic fanction has been 
 published to give certain, fixed, and uni- 
 verfal rules for the limits and termination 
 of paragraphs, chapters, or books ; as thefe 
 cuftomary divifions have been introduced 
 into the literary world in order to give a 
 breathing-time as well to the writers as the 
 readers, when I affirm that I was not out 
 of breath or in the leaft tired 'till I left 
 
 VOL. I. F f Friar
 
 434 The HISTORY of 
 Friar Gerund, not only with the title 01 
 Sabatine preacher but with the firft glim- 
 merings of the inftrudlion of the Father 
 Mafter Prudentio> I cannot help thinking 
 but that it will be fufficient to (hut up this 
 critical obferver's mouth. If my readers 
 were tired fooner, that ought not to be laid 
 to my account. Do I prevent them from 
 {hutting the book when they pleafe, and 
 from deeping foundly 'till they awake of 
 thcmfelves, by which they may not only 
 divide, but make mince-meat of the books 
 and chapters whenever they think proper. 
 But they will tell me perhaps, that although 
 there be no written law to regulate thefe 
 divifions, yet that they are regulated and 
 even dictated by natural law ; that is, by 
 the confcience and reafon of methodical, 
 clear, and economical writers. To which 
 I anfwer, that, as to this affair of confci- 
 ence and natural reafon, each one can have 
 it but in the meafure which God has been 
 pleafed to give it, and that of under/land- 
 ings there is as great a variety as of faces. 
 Such an one thinks lie writes and fpeaks 
 with the heft method in the world, and to 
 Another who reads or hears him he feems 
 an eternal embroiler, and a very Babel of 
 confufions. For example, let it be told to 
 
 the
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 435 
 
 the author of << The true Method of Study" 
 that all he has written is a mere embolifoi 
 or infertion of foreign and abfurd matter, 
 that in many places the practical rules 
 which he gives are fcarce preceptible, that 
 thofe which are perceptible are impoffible 
 or extremely difficult to be pracftifed, and 
 confequently that no faculty can be learned 
 by them he would become poffefTed by 
 the Demon of Rage, would tear his beard 
 away at your tearing away what he thought 
 his bravery and ornament, and at any one 
 who mould come on fuch an embafly would 
 mower a volley of " Parvoices, Ridicula- 
 ries, and Crafas Ignoranzas *," to fend him 
 back fafter than he came. 
 
 Again, not many years ago a certain 
 Latin Surgeon (for ib he himfelf faid he 
 was) an honeft well-meaning man, printed 
 a book with this title, " A Rational Me- 
 thod and Cbirurgical Direftionfor the Cure of 
 Chilblains" Who would not hence fup- 
 pofe that the work confided of methodical 
 and practical rules for the curing thefe 
 wantonnefles of the blood which fo forely 
 vex the young folks, and fometimes men 
 
 * Portugiiefe words much ufed by this author, fig- 
 nifying Follies, Ablurdities, and darkeft Ignorance. 
 
 F f 2 grown
 
 436 The HIS TO R Y of 
 
 grown and even grey-headed ? But no, Sir : 
 of the thirteen chapters of which the 
 book is compofed the laft only has fome 
 little touch upon practical method ; the 
 other twelve, befides being moft imperti- 
 nent to the fubjed, have as much of me- 
 thod and chirurgical direction as of pro- 
 priety, and benefit to the reader. Of this 
 one John de la Encina, the mercilefs writer 
 of three letters tolerably well compofed, 
 endeavoured to convince the author, whofe 
 fides he well belaboured for his felf-attri- 
 buted appellative of Latin Surgeon ; and 
 though he really made it very evident that 
 the title of Method could be allowed to this 
 idle performance only by way of joke or an- 
 tiphrafis, yet the honeft author went to the 
 other world perfectly perfuaded that in this 
 there had not been written a thing more 
 methodical or directive. Now let their 
 worships come with a grave face and talk 
 to me of the confcience and natural reafon 
 which didate to every author the method 
 he fhould obferve in the economy of his 
 work! 
 
 But in fhort - for we arc beating our 
 brains to no purpofe let.the curious reader 
 obferve that in the nrft paragraph of the 
 lafl chapter of the preceding book our 
 
 Friar
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 437 
 
 Friar Gerund appeared a Prieft in fade 
 ecclejitz, and Sabatine Preacher in full form, 
 and let him aniwer before God and in con- 
 fcience this little queftion : Would it have 
 been feemly that the faid chapter mould 
 have confifted of no more than a fingle 
 paragraph, and that it mould have pre- 
 Jented itfelf in the book but as a fucking 
 chapter, or a chapter in miniature, when the 
 others may pafs for general chapters, even 
 of the moft numerous fraternities, from the 
 multitude of its members, and numbers 
 which concur in the compofition of them ? 
 Let the prudent and equitable reader do 
 juttice; and if, notwithstanding, he will not 
 allow me to have any reafon on my fide, 
 Patience, Charles, Patience *. 
 
 Having made this digreffion, as necef- 
 fary as troublefome and impertinent, let us 
 fet about tying the broken thread of our 
 hiftoi-y. It is a tradition from father to 
 fon that the Matter Prudentio and our Friar 
 
 * The province of Catalonia belonged fome time to 
 Charles the third of France, who for a while refuted, 
 and fpent much money in it ; but no fooner had he left 
 it and returned to France than the people revolted, and, 
 upon being told of his complaints of their ingratitude, 
 faid, Paciencia 9 Carles, Paciencia ! 'Hence likewife the 
 proverb upon interefted adulation, Fiva Carlo! tercero* 
 hajla que vive el diner o ! Long live Charles the third, if 
 he does not outlive his money ! 
 
 F f 3 Gerund
 
 438 The H I S T R Y of 
 
 Gerund were jufl finifhing a hearty dinner 
 after their long walk and profitable dif? 
 courfe, by the fame token they had for a 
 defert fome lozenges in the fhape of fnails, 
 and fome macaroons like acorns, which 
 had been prefented to Prudentio, by a cer- 
 tain nun of the order to whom he was con- 
 feflbr when they heard a loud calling at 
 the gate of the farm-houfe. The lay-bro- 
 ther, the farmer who lived in and took 
 care of it, went out at the noifc to fee whq 
 \vas there, and behold who could have 
 divined it ! there was no lefs than the 
 Predicador Mayor, the incomparable Friar 
 Bias in his own proper perfon, in company 
 with a fturdy, broad-mouldered, buihy- 
 pated, countryman; the Predicador mounted 
 on a raw-boned, thin-Hanked, long-legged, 
 hollow-eyed, pyballed portmanteau -horfe, 
 and his companion on a rjarrow-rumped, 
 round-barrelled, quick-eared, lively, grey 
 colt. Now it happened, that in a village 
 prefuming to the title of town (two leagues 
 diftant from the Grange) which was anci- 
 ently called Little Jaca, but now, either by 
 corruption or to reduce it with the dimi- 
 nutive to one word, is called Jacarilla, a 
 fraternity dedicated to St. Orofia, had a 
 few years fince been inftituted by the par- 
 
 fon
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 439 
 
 fon of the parim, a native of the province 
 of Arragon, and much devoted to the Saint. 
 The Majordomo for that year, who was 
 the Farmer, accompanying Friar Bias, had 
 pitched upon him to preach the fermon ; 
 and though it was worth no more than five 
 reals, two pounds of turron *, and a bottle 
 of the wine of the country. Friar Bias had 
 accepted it -, for in the affair of fermons he 
 was of the opinion of the retail dealers, that 
 * Many a little makes a mickle," and that 
 we mould, " Greet every finner who comes 
 *' with fiiver." It was going out of their 
 way to call at the Grange, but the Predicador 
 couid not refift the temptation of fetching 
 this compafs, that he might dine at a houfe 
 belonging to the order, and above all, that 
 he might fee his beloved Friar Gerund, 
 though they had fo lately parted. 
 
 As much as Friar Gerund rejoiced at the 
 fight of his friend, fo much did Father 
 Prudentio grieve at the troublefome vifit, 
 fearing that if he left them to talk together 
 alone, the hare-brained Predicador would 
 deftroy all that, according to his way of 
 thinking, Gerund had benefitted in the 
 morning's converfation. He determined 
 
 * A fweetmeat made of almonds, nuts, pine-kernel?, 
 and walnuts, toafted and mixed with honey. 
 
 F f 4 there-
 
 440 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 therefore, riot to lofe fight of them a 
 moment till Friar Bias fhould troop off, 
 which he fuppofed he would do diredtly 
 after dinner; and to expedite matters as 
 jiiuch as poflible, he ordered the lay-brother 
 to warm the remnants of their meal in all 
 hafte, and add a few rafners of bacon, 
 which is the ready fuccour for fudden 
 guefts, when they come at the taking away 
 the cloth. 
 
 Whilfl this was preparing theMajordomo 
 gave them not a little diverfion, who, 
 though he was a mere clown in his breed- 
 ing, expreflions, and demeanour, was fufrW 
 ciently cunning, and, rather than not, fome- 
 what of a wag. He already knew that the 
 father Mailer Prudentio, was a man much 
 refpecled in the order, for Friar Bias had 
 told him fo on the road ; therefore, as foon 
 as he came into the parlour, he made him 
 a moll rt-erent obeifance, fcraping his left 
 foot fo far behind him, that he had like to 
 have fallen upon his knee, but yet without 
 offering to move his hat, which was firmly 
 fixed down to his eye-brows, and feeing the 
 father itill eating fome of the defert, faid, 
 *' Good afternoon, your eternity #, rnoftRe^- 
 
 * Eternity^ Tf ratty, Trinity, Sac. ufeJ by the vulgar 
 for Paternity. 
 
 verund
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 441 
 
 verund Fey therFjiar Matter, and much good 
 may it do your Revrunce ; pray God it be 
 all convarted to fat *." And as foon as he 
 had fpoken, without waiting to be afked, 
 he laid hold of one of the jugs of wine, 
 which flood on a waiter upon the table, in 
 order to drink what they" call a St. Vilo- 
 riano, that is, to tofs it ail off, and with a 
 bumpkin air of gaiety and freedom, im- 
 mediately added, " To your health, my 
 reverunt Trinity ; and alfo to that of my 
 feyther Perdicador, Fiiar Bras, who is the 
 flower of notable Perdicators ; and alfo to 
 that of that young Fliar, for, the deuce 
 take my enemies, I take him to be a gee- 
 nus, and think that in time he will come 
 to be another Fliar Bras ; and alfo to that 
 of my friend here, the Feyther Farmer 
 Fliar Gregory, for though he is not of the 
 mafs, (no more was his feyther) God blefs 
 him, yet, at fheep-fair a whole flock of 
 Feyther Perfentados cant match him in 
 cunning, and in fhort, nothing comes amifs 
 to him." Having finimed this litany, he 
 laid the jugt which was of a middling fize, 
 to his mouth and finimed that, and, turn- 
 
 * An ufual compliment to any one eating. The 
 Italians fay, " Latte e Sangui!"- i. e, may it be con- 
 verted to milk and blood ! 
 
 ing
 
 442 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 ing it upfide-down on the waiter, threw 
 himfelf on a bench and began ftretching 
 and yawning with much authority. 
 
 Prudentio was much pleafed with this 
 introduction, and, being a very good- 
 natured man, faid to him, after his draught, 
 in a friendly tone, " Much good do ye, 
 uncle how do you call yourfelf ?" " Baf- 
 tian Borrego, an' pleafe your reverunce j" 
 and at faying this he made a motion to- 
 wards raifing his hat a little. " Many 
 years of health and happinefs," continued 
 Prudentio " to you, and your fpoufe, and 
 your children, if you have any." ?' Ay, 
 and as fair as flowers, thof I fay it 
 that fhould not fay it (replied uncle 
 Baftian) efpecially one little one, who has 
 juft put on the habit of St. John of God, 
 thofe whom we commonly call water-gruel 
 or foup-meagre Fliars*$ let him alone* 
 your Reverunce ! My word for't he'll do! 
 Tis a jewel." " And fo uncle Baftian," 
 proceeded Prudentio, tf is Majordomo of 
 St. Orofia ?" " And fo I was," anfwered 
 Borrego, " of the flaternity of the Sacra- 
 ment, and of the Crofs, and of All-fouls ; 
 and there is now nothing wanting, but 
 
 * Hofpltallers, an order deftined for the care of the 
 ck. 
 
 that 

 
 FRIAR GERUND. 443 
 that they lay that of St. Roquc upon my 
 fhoulders ; vvjiich they will not fail to do, 
 for troubles were rpade for the poor." 
 " According to that you think it a trouble 
 Jo ferve the Saints ?" replied the Father 
 Matter. " As to the Saints, our Feythcr, it 
 i5 good to farv.e them ; but the cafe is, ac- 
 cording to my poor magination, that in 
 thefe Majordomofhips o' my fins, the Saints 
 are ferved but little, and the brethren 
 much. If not, tell me, your Reverunce, 
 what great farvice it is of to the Saints that 
 a poor fellow like me (hould fpend in each 
 of the Majordomofhips fixty reals in wine, 
 twenty in cake, ten in nuts, all out of bro- 
 jherly love ; without reckoning the wax, 
 and the dinner for the Revrunt the Clargy, 
 and the payment of the Preacher, which 
 all together makes fuch a ftroke as raifes 
 a weal above an hundred and twenty reals 
 high. The three laft articles indeed may 
 pals, as Church-matters ; but then the 
 wine for the Brethren ! When there are 
 fome men who will fuck you half a dozen 
 quarts * ! And the cake, and the nuts, by 
 xv ay of whet ! 'tis too much. And to this 
 Jet your Trinity add the dance in the even- 
 
 * Dos quartillas, two quarter parts of an arroba con- 
 fining eight azumbres, or twelve'Englifh quarts. 
 
 ing
 
 444 The HISTORY of 
 
 ing at the Majordomo's door, which often 
 lafts till late at night, efpecially if the Tabor- 
 and-pipe-man touches upon the tune which 
 we call the Frighten-fiea-tune. Will your 
 Revrunce tell me that this conduces to the 
 farvice either of God or the Saints ?" 
 
 " I cannot think indeed (faid Friar Pru- 
 dentio) that they are much ferved by this, 
 and therefore I do not approve of it. But 
 if my uncle Baftian knows that Majordo- 
 mcmips and Fraternities are but a pretext 
 for drunken-bouts, why has he any thing 
 to do with them r" " Why have I any 
 thing to do with them ! A choice queftion 
 "by my truly ! One may fee plain enough 
 that your Revrunce has been buried in 
 your fludy amongft your books, and knows 
 not what paffes in the world. Our Fey- 
 ther, it is neceflary for us who live in 
 towns to belong to flaternities, becaufe 
 becaufe, it is necefTary, and I fay no more, 
 for a word to the wife, you know. Be- 
 fides this reafon, which weighs half an 
 hundred, there comes a Fliar every now 
 and then, and does fo fet forth the undul- 
 gences of a flaternity ! Then comes another, 
 and preaches fiich things upon the prayers 
 we make for the poor dead fouls, that if a 
 man does not believe them, away they 
 
 carry
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 445 
 
 carry him the Lord knows where, or what 
 becomes of him * ; and if he does believe 
 them, and does not a<fl accordingly, they 
 hold him for a Jew." 
 
 " But though you belong to fraternities," 
 faid Prudentio, " they cannot oblige you 
 to be Majordomo." " They can't oblige 
 me to be Majordomo !" anfwered uncle 
 Borrego ; " if your Revrunce knows" no 
 more of tology than of flaternities I would 
 not change knowledge with you. What 
 reafon is there, divine or human, that 
 when I have drank of the wine, and eat 
 of the cake of my brethren, they mould 
 not eat and drink of mine ? Befides this, if 
 I partake of the undulgencies and the be- 
 nefit of the prayers, I muft likewife par- 
 take the expence. For, pray, is there 
 nothing more required than the belonging 
 only to a flaternity, in order to one's dying 
 well or ill as God mall help one, and juft 
 popping one's head into pulgatory, and 
 coming out again with all the eafe in the 
 world, without it's coding one fo much 
 as it does any other poor foul ? Much wor- 
 fhip, much coft j many words will not fill 
 a bufliel ; if we go to bowls we muft take 
 rubbers. 1 ' 
 
 * In the inquifkion. 
 
 " But
 
 446 The HISTORY of 
 
 " But if the member of a fraternity 
 goes to Hell," faid Prudentio, '< what will 
 the prayers arid indulgencies avail him ?" 
 " Ay, there," anfwered uncle Baflian, 
 * there your Revrunt Eternity has hit the 
 mark, 'and one fees that you are a tologer :' 
 and I, who am not one, have often put 
 this difficult queftion to many Feyther 
 Preachers, and in truth they never knew 
 how to folve it clearly. The flatemities 
 affording nothing but prayers and undul- 
 gencies, are of ufe only to thofe who are 
 in a ftate of grace, but are of no avail to 
 put one in that flate, unlefs it be by Very 
 round-about ways. Then fays I, in the 
 name of God and the King, how much 
 better are thofe flaternities which are called 
 conjurations ?" " Congregations,- you would 
 fay, uncle Baflian," interrupted Prudentio. 
 " Never mind bowels and fynnablesy your 
 Revrunce ; for if we underfta-nd one an- 
 other, we under/land one another, and 
 every man fneezes as God helps him. I 
 fay, how much better are thefe conjurati- 
 ons, or congrigations, or whatever they are, 
 which oblige one to fweep one's conference 
 clean, confefling and communicating very 
 often, as if one fhould fay, every month, 
 or on the principal feftivals, which give 
 
 a chriftian
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 447 
 
 a chriftian rules for living honeftly, in 
 which there are no majordomo-mips nor 
 deviltry of charity and entertainments, and 
 which in fhort are a means to deliver a 
 man from hell, when the utmoft the 
 others pretend to, is to take him out of 
 pulgatory ? Now I fay, our feyther, that 
 when I am once in pulgatory I mall far- 
 tainly, fooner or later, without their help, 
 get out of it j but In enferno mula es en- 
 rent io {In Inferno nulla eft redemptio\j and 
 fure enough the office or mafs of fouls 
 which the flatemities fay for the departed 
 brethren cannot drag me out of it," 
 
 The good Father Matter was much en- 
 tertained by the converfation of uncle Baf- 
 tian, for through his rufticity he could dif- 
 cover that the man did not want humour 
 and underffonding. Defirous therefore of 
 hearing him talk farther he a/Iced him, who 
 it was that in his town of Little Jaca or 
 Jacarilla had founded the fraternity of St. 
 Orolia, as it appeared to him fomething ex- 
 traordinary ; for though he had feen many 
 fraternities of the Sacrament, of Souls, of 
 St. Roque, and St. Bias, and other Saints, 
 yet he had never feen or heard any thing of 
 St. Orofia, as this Saint, though fo great, 
 was but little known in Caftile. " To this, 
 2 Rev-runt
 
 44-3 The HISTORY of 
 
 Revrunt Feyther, I muft anfwer," faid 
 uncle Baftian, ftretching forth his hand 
 and taking a pinch of his own accord out 
 of the box which the father mailer ju-ft 
 then opened, ' to this I muft anfwer that, 
 every city has its wonder, and every rogue 
 his Saint. The parfon of our parifh. is an 
 Arragonian, born and chriftened in the city 
 of Jaca, which they fay lies away yander, 
 hard by the country of the Moors : And by 
 the way I mud tell your Revrunce that he 
 won't have us call him Sfgntor Guillen (for 
 that is his name) but Mofen Guillen, for 
 that he fays is the cuftom in his country j 
 and fure enough at fir/1: we all laughed 
 heartily at it ; for this Mofen> founding 
 like Mofesj feemed to us to have a fmack 
 of the Jew." No, no, faid Prudentio ; 
 " it is a very old Spanim word, taken from 
 the Arabic, expreffive of my Signior, and 
 flill preferved in Arragon as the diftindtive 
 and refpeclful title of the Priefts." Well 
 then," proceeded Baftian, " this Pried of 
 ours is a Saint (and of that would I make 
 oath before the face of God) and becaufe, 
 he fays, that in the city of Jaca, where he 
 was born, they have the greateft devotion 
 to St. Orolia who is their Patronefs, he alfo 
 has the greateft devotion to her ; and as 
 I our
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 449 
 
 our parifh is called Little Jaca, he preach- 
 ed us a farmunt (and good Lord ! what a 
 farmunt did he preach us !) in which he 
 told us that it would be right that we mould 
 have the fame Patronefs as Great Jaca, for 
 that God and the Saints were no refpecters 
 of features ; and I remember that he 
 brought a text from Jeiabel, anointing 
 David King" " Samuel, the preacher 
 muft have faid" interrupted Prudentio 
 " Samuel or Jefabel, for it is all one in 
 the fight of God," continued honefl Baflian, 
 " to whom his Majefty * faid that he 
 fhould not regard his ftature, whether 
 great or fmall, and he diredlly faid it in 
 Latin fo clear and pat to the purpofe that 
 even my little Coney underftood it, for fo 
 my wife is called, Barthola Coney, to 
 farve God and your Trinity. In fhort he 
 told us fuch, and fo great things of the 
 grorious Saint, that on that very day a 
 veftry was called, and there we all voted 
 with incontinence that me mould be Patro- 
 nefs of the town ; and moreover we found- 
 ed a flaternity, into which almoft^all the 
 neighbours entered; and laft of all we 
 
 That is, God's Majefty ; often thus brought In by 
 the vulgar after the name of God has been mentioned. 
 
 VOL. I. G g bound
 
 450 The HISTORY of 
 
 bound ourfelvcs in an obrigation before the" 
 notary to make a feftival every year to the 
 blefled faint and let us alone for that ; for 
 truft me, your Revrunce, there's ne'er a 
 more famous one in all the country round 
 about. And as I was faying, every Major- 
 domo ftrives to bring the toppingeft 
 preacher in all the neighbourhood ; and fo 
 in the three years fince the flaternity was 
 founded, the firft that preached was a 
 Feyther Definder, who foared out of fight; 
 thefecond was one of thofe fenior Feythers 
 who are called who are called what a 
 head ! who are called 'tis fomething like 
 Giblets"" Jubilated Fathers," faid Pru- 
 dentio " Ay, ay, a Gibleted Feyther," 
 continued Baftian, " and o' my confcience 
 he was a very Eagle : And this year, which 
 is the third, and it has fallen upon me to 
 be Majordomo, I dired~tly clapped my eye 
 upon our Feyther Fliar Bras ; for when I 
 heard the farmunt of St. Benedict upon the 
 Hill at Cevico de la Torre, that mo'munt 
 I marked un for my own, and faid with- 
 in myfelf, ha, I fee thou art a brave cock ! 
 and if I farve the flaternity, pleafe God, 
 fuch a bold bird {han't efcape me." 
 
 Juft now entered the lay-brother Gre- 
 gory with the victuals, and Prudentio al- 
 
 moft
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 451 
 
 moft repented that he had made fuch hafte 
 towards difpatching his guefts, as he took 
 great pleafure in the converfation of uncle 
 Baftian. But yet as it was outweighed by 
 the inconveniences he feared from the Pre- 
 dicador Mayor if he and Gerund mould 
 talk together alone, he purfued his firft 
 idea of haftening their meal and difpatch- 
 ing them as foon as it was ended, and 
 therefore gave orders aloud to Gregory 
 that whilft the gentlemen were eating he 
 fhould give their horfes a feed of corn that 
 they might be ready for them foon. 
 
 The Friar eat like a Farmer, and the 
 Farmer eat like a Friar j and as foon as Pru- 
 dentio could put in a queftion with any 
 tolerable hope of an anfwer, he afked Baf- 
 tian how the preachers were to talk about 
 a Saint who was fo little known? " As to 
 that, our Feyther" faid the uncle, our 
 Mofen Guillen takes care ; for your Re- 
 vrunce is to know that they fent un from 
 Great. Jaca an heap of fermunts as high as 
 this (lifting his hand half a yard from the 
 table) all in print, as would amaze one; 
 It feems as how thefe farmunts are all 
 copies of one which a fliar compofed for 
 St. Orofia, in order to preach it in the city 
 of Jaca ; yet in the end it happened, I know 
 G g 2 not
 
 452 The HISTORY of 
 
 not upon what account, that he did not 
 preach it. But the fliar, who they fay is a 
 defpret man forfarcumftances and one of the 
 braveft preachers in all that country, thof 
 he did not preach the farmunt, printed it ; 
 and as he has a great friendship with Mofen 
 Guillen he fent un the heap I fpoke of > and 
 Mofen Guillen, as foon as a Majordomo is 
 chofe, gives un a copy for un to give to 
 the preacher whom he invites, by way of 
 fample and directiun. But to your Ternity's 
 health, my Revrunt Feyther ; " let us 
 moiften the word j" and in faying this he 
 laid a lufty flagon to his lips. 
 
 " Thank you, uncle;" replied Prudentio, 
 and continued, faying, " To be fure this fer- 
 mon muft be fomething very extraordinary, 
 and without doubt gives great information 
 concerning St. Orofia ?" " As to me, our 
 Feyther," anfwered the good Borrego, lick- 
 ing his lips after his draught and wiping 
 his whifkers with the back df his hand, " I 
 am but a poor fimpleton who can neither 
 write nor read, and do not underftand it ; 
 but a fon of mine, who is a Lynx, though 
 but eighteen years old, and can already read 
 law-hand, read it one evening to my Coney 
 and me, and it feemed to us to contain very 
 deep things. It is unpoffible for God but 
 6 that
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 453 
 
 that the farmunt mutt be one of the moft 
 ftupenjufteft farmunts which were ever 
 preached in the world, becaufe your Re- 
 vrunce may obferve that befides its being 
 printed and published, it but if your Tri- 
 nity has a mind to read it, leave it to me, 
 for I will aflc Mofen Guillen for one and 
 bring it to you when I return from accom- 
 panying our Feyther Predicador Mayor 
 back to his convunt." 
 
 " There is no occafion for that," faid 
 Friar Bias, " for I will give your Paternity 
 the copy that the Majordomo prefcmted to 
 me which I have with me in my wallet, 
 for I was fo delighted with reading it that I 
 did not know how to put it out of my hand, 
 and by the mere reading it I have it as it 
 were by heart. It is one of the greateft 
 fermons I ever read in my life." " And 
 does it take notice of all the circumftances ?" 
 afked Friar Gerund eagerly. " Let me 
 drink a health to our Father Matter, and 
 then I will anfwer thee." Friar Bias took 
 a draught equal to that of the Majordomo, 
 and wiping his mouth with deliberation 
 and authority proceeded; " Does he take 
 notice of all the circumftances! Not a fm- 
 gle one is there but what he brings in. But 
 how ? He takes notice of the fituation in 
 G g 3 which
 
 454 The HIS TORY of 
 
 which the church of Jaca flood; he takes 
 notice of its coat of arms ; he takes notice 
 of that of the fignior bimop who was at 
 that- time; he takes notice of the number 
 of the regidors of the city ; he takes notice 
 of the women who formerly defended it 
 againft the Moors ; and though it is true 
 that no one heard the fermon, becaufe it 
 was not preached, yet as it was compofed 
 in order to be heard, he takes notice of the 
 infinite number of thofe who might have 
 heard it; and laftly he takes notice of the 
 number of thofe who carried the canopy 
 over the hoft, which was eight. And all 
 with texts fo appofite, opportune, and lite- 
 ral as is aflonifhing, and it feems almoft 
 like an impoffibility that any mortal genius 
 fhould have arrived to fuch a pitch of ex- 
 cellence. This, this is preaching ! or ra- 
 ther, in the prefentcafe, This is compofing 
 fermons! for every thing elfe is fluff!" And 
 in a tranfport upon faying this he ftruck 
 the palm of his hand upon the table with 
 fuch vehemence as wanted little of over- 
 turning all the crockery which flood upon 
 it; and as to the flagon, a faith-worthy 
 author afferts that it would infallibly have 
 gone to the ground had it not been inftantly 
 embraced by the hands of the vigilant Se- 
 baftian Borrego, Ages
 
 RIAR GERUND. 
 
 Ages did the minutes fcem to the bleffed 
 Friar Gerund till he read a fermon fo 
 much extolled by fuch a man as the Pre- 
 dicador Mayor, whom he efleemed the 
 mofl redoubted Scare- chriflian that digni- 
 fied the pulpit in that age. He was buril- 
 ing to afk him for it, and had already 
 brought the requefl to the very tip of his 
 tongue, where it flood quivering with eager 
 impatience to depart, when he was with- 
 held by refpe.ft to the Father M after, to 
 whom the other had made the offer of it ; 
 to this refpecl was likewife added fome 
 little fear, which he had conceived till he 
 fhould know what opinion his Paternity 
 would form of this Sermon, efpecially as 
 he had obferved certain geflures of difplea- 
 fure in his Reverence, whilft Friar Bias 
 was infilling on the perfection and punctu- 
 ality with which the author had taken 
 notice of all the circumftances. 
 
 Indeed fo little was this to the tafte of 
 the fenfible Prudentio, that he broke out 
 with faying, " I accept the offer of the 
 Sermon which the Predicador makes me, 
 only by way of diverting myfelf with if, 
 and pitying the compofer of it ; for as to 
 any thing elfe, it is plain from what the 
 Predicador fays, there is no occafion to 
 G g 4 read
 
 456 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 read it, efpecially to know that it muft be 
 an heap of abfurdities and puerilities, and 
 that it has nothing of a Sermon but the 
 title and fubject. Sermons of Clrcumjlances! 
 and of fitch Circumftances ! Surely there 
 never was a madnefs more deplorable, more 
 fhameful, more unworthy the chair of the 
 Holy Spirit, or which more expofes the 
 folly of the Preacher, the depraved tafte of 
 the audience, and the profound ignorance 
 both in one and the other of true eloquence. 
 In Spain only is this fcandalous ftupidity 
 pra&ifed ; and even in Spain it did not 
 take place till towards the latter part of 
 the laft century, when the pirlpit began to 
 be profaned with thefe ridiculous indecen- 
 cies by certain Merry- Andrews, Puppet- 
 fhew-men, or Poetafters in profe, applaud- 
 ed as great preachers by the ignorance of 
 the vulgar. You cannot mew me a fingle 
 Sermon of thofe, which are called circum- 
 jlanced, of a more ancient date. All fo- 
 reign nations turn us into ridicule (and the 
 worft of the affair is, that we richly deferve 
 it) for this impertinent, puerile, mad ex- 
 travagance. 
 
 " A Sermon of Circumftances! How mould 
 there be any circumftance in a Sermon than 
 that of preaching of the Saint, of the Myf- 
 
 tery,
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 457 
 
 tery, or of the fubjecl: which is propofed 
 to be treated on ? What connection has it 
 with the virtues of St. Orofia, that the 
 cathedral of Jaca be in this or that fitua- 
 tion ? That it be called by this name or 
 the other ? That the arms of the Bifhop be 
 a Lion or an Oftridge ? That the Church 
 has for its bearing, two keys with two 
 doors, or two arks without locks ? Whe- 
 ther the Regidors of the city be nine or 
 nineteen ? Whether the Canopy was fup- 
 ported by eight, or eight hundred, if it 
 were poflible ? And finally, what could St. 
 Orofia have to do with, or what glory 
 could accrue to her from, the women of 
 Jaca's having defended the city againft the 
 Moors, when this event happened many 
 years before ever there was a St. Orofia in 
 the world ? Do any of thefe things con- 
 duce towards forming an high conception 
 of the merit of the Saint, a great idea of 
 her power, a lively confidence in her pro- 
 tedtion, or an excitement to the imitation 
 of her heroic virtues, which is, or ought to 
 be, the whole bufinefs of a panegyrical 
 Sermon ? 
 
 " The matters of facred eloquence, or even 
 of profane, were never betrayed into fuch 
 impertinences. Is there to be found, even 
 
 the
 
 458 The HISTORY of 
 
 the mod diflant likenefs of them in the 
 fermons, the homilies, or the panegyricks 
 of the holy Fathers ? Did Cicero or Quin- 
 tilian ever give into fuch ridiculous follies ? 
 If an advocate in his pleading in a court of 
 juftice mould make a circumftance of the 
 arms of the judge, the ornaments of the 
 bench, the vaulting of the roof, or any 
 fuch fopperies, would he be fuffcred to 
 proceed in his harangue ? Would he not 
 be fent to finim it to the inhabitants of the 
 Mad-houfe ? How then, in the name of 
 God and Reafon, mould this be tolerated 
 in a Preacher ? How mould he be applaud- 
 ed, how mould he be celebrated for it ? 
 How mould not his praifes be converted 
 into hifles, and a ftorm of hats and caps 
 aflail him in default of cabbage-ftalks and 
 rotten eggs ? But this required a more 
 leifure difcuffion, and is not well timed at 
 prefent. Well, now, gentlemen, you have 
 finimed your meal and have got five leagues 
 to go to Jacarilla : Here, Gregory, bring 
 out the gentlemen's horfes : Brother Bias, 
 pray leave me this curious Sermon for my 
 entertainment, and there is no time to be 
 loft, for it is growing late." 
 
 For his fina was the poor Majordomo let 
 into a fecret, at endeavouring to rife from 
 
 the
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 459 
 
 the table, which was, that it was out of 
 his power ; for his head weighed too much 
 for his body to fupport. The cafe was, 
 that whilft the zealous Father Prudentio 
 had been vehemently preaching againft the 
 preachers who lofe their time in taking 
 notice of ridiculous circumflances, the good 
 Uncle Baftian had not loft his time in court- 
 ing the flagon, and, repeating his draughts, 
 which were all in folio, the wine had done 
 its office ; fo that when he attempted to 
 rife from his feat he fell between the table 
 and the form, having the misfortune to 
 ftrike his head againft the corner of the 
 latter, and receive a wound, which ran like 
 a tap. Nothing was now to be done, but 
 to drefs and bind up his broken pate, have 
 him carried to bed by four of the hinds, 
 and give him till the next morning to re- 
 cover from his trance *. 
 
 * If we obferve that this Scbaftian Borrego is not in- 
 troduced as any extraordinary and uncommon character, 
 but rather as a fpecimen for the defcription of the people 
 of his clafs, and recollecT: that he fays fome of his bre- 
 thren will fuck half a dozen quarts of wine, we may 
 find reafon to think the general notion of Spanijh ftbnety 
 is a miftake, and fubfcribe to their proverb, ufed fome- 
 where in the foregoing part of this work, that, All the 
 world is country, /'. e. That the vulgar of all ecu, iries 
 will drink to excefs when they drink at free-coft. 
 
 Prudentio
 
 460 The HISTORY of 
 
 Prudentio much lamented this untoward 
 accident, becaufe it was now unavoidable 
 that Gerund and his beloved Predicador 
 Mayor fhould be together ; but he deter- 
 mined not to leave them a fingle inftant by 
 themfelves : and whilft he was (cheming 
 fome method of entertaining them, the foul 
 fiend, who never fleeps, contrived that the 
 arch-priefl of that diftric~t, the parfon of a 
 neighbouring parifh, mould juft then come 
 to vifit him, and who, foon after the firft 
 compliments were paid, faid that, with 
 the leave of his company, he had fomething 
 to confult upon in private with his Reve- 
 rence. 
 
 CHAP. II. 
 
 Friar Bias and Friar Gerund go to take a 
 walk : and of the ridiculous rules . for 
 preaching given to the latter by the former 
 with all bis Jive fenfes. 
 
 HIS Reverence's company could not at 
 that time have formed a wifh more 
 to their hearts' content j and therefore, with- 
 out waiting for a fecond hint, they take 
 their hats and flicks and fally forth into the 
 fields, fully refolved not to be houfed again 
 
 'till
 
 FR I A R GERUND. 461 
 
 'till late in the evening. Before all things 
 the Predicador Mayor would fain read 
 to his beloved Sabatine the fcrmon he was 
 to preach for St. Orofia, which he carried 
 clofely buttoned up in his breaft, afTuring 
 him that of all the fermons he ever com- 
 pofed it was one of thofe which were moft 
 to his fatisfaclion. But Friar Gerund told 
 him that there would be time enough to 
 read the fermon, and that he had then a 
 thoufand things to fay to him which he 
 would not by any means mould be forgot- 
 ten ; efpecially, that as Opportunity was 
 bald behind it was neceffary to take her by 
 the forelock, fince they might not have the 
 happinefs of being alone together again for 
 a long time. He then dealt out to him all 
 the converfation which had pafled in the 
 morning with the Father Matter; what he 
 had told him of the faculties in which every 
 good orator ought to be (at leaft tolerably) 
 informed ; the neceflity of reading the Holy 
 Fathers, and in default of that, the method 
 of fupplying it by the attentive perufal of 
 fome good and chofen volumes of fermons ; 
 thofe which he had particularly pointed out, 
 which were the compofitions of St. Tho- 
 mas de Villanueva, Friar I^ewis de Gre- 
 nada, and the Father Vieyra j and finally 
 
 the
 
 462 The HISTORY of 
 
 the rules, which, at his requeft, he had 
 offered to give him for the rightly com- 
 pofing all kinds of fermons. 
 
 " Well, and what didft thou think of 
 all that the pious Greybeard faid to thee ?" 
 What do you fuppofe, Sir, I could 
 think," anfwered Gerund, " but that there 
 is nothing but lees left in this old calk ? 
 How fliould a dotard do otherwife than 
 dote ?'* " Well now, to fave long fend- 
 ing and proving, fince there is no contra- 
 diding experience, and that thou mayft fee 
 how fenfelefsly this old man talks, hear 
 one plain and fimple, but at the fame time, 
 convincing, argument : I have ftudied none 
 of thofe faculties which he fays are fo ne- 
 ceffary in order to be a good preacher. I 
 have never read of the Holy Fathers more 
 than what I meet with of them in the por- 
 tions of the Breviary, and in the fingle 
 fermons I happen to light upon, or the few 
 colle&ions I make ufe of : I don't know 
 -that I have feen fo much as the binding of 
 the volumes of St. Thomas de Villanueva ; 
 as to thofe of Friar Lewis de Granada, the 
 devil take me if 1 ever read a fingle line ; 
 and of Vieyra only I have read fome fer- 
 mons, becaufe I am much pleafed with his 
 acutenefs. Now this being fo, I aik thee, 
 
 Doft
 
 F R I A R G E R U N D. 463 
 
 t)oft thou think before God and in thy con- 
 fcience that I preach decently ?" " What 
 do you mean by decently ?" afked Gerund 
 with great quicknefs ; " I never in my 
 life have heard, nor do I believe I ever mall 
 hear a preacher equal to you." " Therefore 
 to preach well," concluded Friar Bias, 
 r there is no occafion for all this fluff, 
 with which the old almanac of a Pru- 
 dentio would teaze thy heart out." 
 
 " The argument is unanfwerable," faid 
 the candid Friar Gerund $ " and fo I now, 
 my dear Father, give you my folemn word 
 never to mind any thing he fays. My 
 Guide, my Tutor, my Matter, and, as they 
 fay, my Pulpit-Godfather, (hall be You, and 
 you only ; your counfel mall be my oracle, 
 your will my precept, and never will I de- 
 part a jot from whatever you (hall teach 
 me. Therefore, as the afternoon is yet 
 young, and the occafion cannot be more 
 happy, pray give me fome clear, mort, in- 
 telligible rules, fuch as I may eafily re- 
 member, for the competing well all forts 
 of fermons : for tho' we have often fpoken 
 upon this, that, and the other point relating 
 to the fubjeft, yet we have never treated 
 of it confecutively, and, as they fay, upon 
 principles." With all my heart," faid 
 
 the "
 
 464 The HISTORY of 
 
 the Predicador; ' hear me then attentively 
 and without interruption. 
 
 " The firft rule : The choice of books. 
 Every good preacher mould have in his 
 cell, or at leafl in the library of his con- 
 vent, the following books : The Bible, 
 Concordance, Polianthea or Theatrum Vitse 
 humanas of Beyerlink, Theatre of the Gods, 
 Fafti by Mafculus, or Pagan Kalendar of 
 Mafejan, Mythology of Natalis Comes, 
 Aulus Gellius, Symbolical World of Pici- 
 nelus, and, above all, the Poets Virgil, 
 Ovid, Martial, Catullus, and Horace : as 
 to fermons there is need only of the Flori- 
 legium Sacrum, which is in itfelf an India. 
 
 " The fecondrule" " Stop Sir," inter- 
 rupted Gerund, " would it not be right 
 to add fome expolitor, or Holy Father ?" 
 " Don't be filly ; there is no fort of occa- 
 fion for them. Whenever thou would'ft 
 fupport any pofition or thought of thy own 
 by the authority of any Holy Father, fay 
 roundly at once, Thus fays the Eagle of 
 Doctors/ thus the Golden mouth, thus the 
 Honey-comb of Milan, thus the Oracle of 
 Seleucia; and put in the mouth of St. Au- 
 guftin, St. John Chryfoftom, St. Ambrofe, 
 or St. Bafil, whatever thou haft a mind, 
 for thefe two reafons $ firft, becaufe no one 
 
 will
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 465 
 
 will go to look for and compare the cita- 
 tion ; fecondly, becaufe though what thou 
 fayeft never entered into the heads of the 
 Holy Fathers, yet it might have entered 
 them. As to expofitors, never mind them ; 
 but expound thou the fcripture juft as thou 
 pleafeft, or as it turns moft to account, for 
 thou haft as much authority to interpret it 
 as they. Whether Cornelius fays this, or 
 Barradas that, or Maldonado the other, 
 what is it to thee ? And in fhort, becaufe I 
 know it is nece/Tary to cite many expcfitors, 
 in order to appear a well-read and fcriptural 
 man, I would not prevent thy citing them 
 whenever'thou pleafeft ; I rather advife thee 
 to cite them by wholefale ; but in order to 
 cite them it is by no means neceflary to 
 read them, and therefore do by them as 
 thou doft by the Holy Fathers, father on 
 them whatever thou wilt, taking great care 
 that the Latin has no folecifms in it, and, 
 my word for it, they will never difcover the 
 baftardy by thy face. One expofitor only 
 I would recommend to thee to have always 
 at hand, and that is Silveyra, for he is ad- 
 mirable at fifting a thing to the bottom ; 
 and if thou wanteft to prove that night is 
 day, or black white, thou wilt fcarcely fail 
 of finding in him wherewith to fupport it. 
 VOL. I. H h The
 
 466 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 '-" The third rule : Let the title orfubjeft 
 of the fermon be always fomething jocular, 
 or fonorous, or profeffional, or theatrical, 
 or quibbling. I will give thee fome exam- 
 ples that thou may'ft the better underftand 
 me. *he amorous 'Triumph, f acred Hymen- 
 ea/s, fe/tive Epitbalamium, &c. the title of 
 a fermon preached on a certain nun's taking 
 the veil ; by the fame token, the preacher 
 in the firft head of his difcourfe made her a 
 Stag, and in the fecond a Lion, two ani- 
 mals figured in the arms of her family. 
 Thefe are titles ! Thefe are fubjecls ! This 
 is invention ! If in the family-coat had been 
 defcribed an Hippogriff, the preacher would 
 as eafily have accommodated it to the reli- 
 gious profeffion ; for men of genius are 
 your true chemifts, who from every thing 
 extra<5t the precious. Hear three other ad- 
 mirable titles of a different caft; *T he dolo- 
 rous Parentation, funeral Oration, forrcivful 
 ILpicedium, at the interment of another nun 
 of great rank j and though the orator took 
 no determirrate fubjecl", but only poetically 
 hiftorified the life of his excellent heroine, 
 he did it fo conformably to the rules of that 
 art *, that he never departed from them in 
 
 * The art of poetry. 
 
 the
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 467 
 
 the phrafe, fcarcely ever loft fight of them 
 in the cadence, and fometimes followed 
 them exa&ly even in the affonance *. Hear, 
 for God's fake, how he begins the body of 
 the oration, and be tranfported, if thou 
 would'lt not be thought a flock or a ftone. 
 Adieu, celejlial choir ! Seraphic lilies, feen no 
 More! Daughters, adieu, belov d of Heaven, 
 and Heaven? Sons; adieu, ye confecrated 
 Swans ! 
 
 " I know very well thatfome blockheads 
 condemn thefe cadencies in prole, and ef-< 
 pecially if they are aflbnant ; endeavouring 
 to perfuade us that verfe is as diflbnant in 
 profe as prole in verfe. For this they quote 
 I-know-not-what old-famioned fellow of a 
 fignior Longinus, an antiquated, golden- 
 age author, who brands thofe who ufe this 
 flyle as puerile and even ftupid and ig- 
 norant, Puerile eft, immo tardl rudifque in<* 
 genii, folutam orationem inamena verjus bar- 
 
 * Aflbnance, a kind of rhyme, (if it may be called 
 fo) in Spanifh poetry, is," when the two laft vowels of a 
 word are the fame with thole of the word to which it 
 correfponds. Thus Cielo and Bueno are aflbnant, and 
 /vlaria and Santa. In words accented on the 1 aft Jylla* 
 ble the laft vovrel only is regarded fDios a-nd Signior are 
 alTonaut. In flippery or -dactylic words the laft and the 
 antepenultima are the vowels which make the affonance, 
 as Maxima and Barbara, Mufica and Jubilo, P'erfido and 
 Fir tiro, &c. "'"J 
 
 H h 2 moma
 
 468 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 monia contexere. But what fignifies it that 
 Longmus fays fo ? Or what account are we 
 to make of a man who might perhaps have 
 been the third or' fourth defcendant from 
 him who pierced Chrift's fide with the 
 fpear * ? Betides Longinus wrote in Greek, 
 and they who tranflated him into Latin and 
 thence into French may have raifed a thou- 
 fand falfe teftimonies againft him. Laftly, 
 how can that which founds well to all the 
 world be diffonant? But let us proceed 
 with the titles and fubjecls. 
 
 " Weep, Woman t andthou fialt conquer; 
 A fermon on the tears of the Magdalen. 
 What can be more divine than the being 
 able to reprefent the bitter weeping of the 
 moft penitent finner by the title, and even 
 the jocular and amorous fentences, of one 
 of the moft profane comedies ? Thefe per- 
 fections are not to be tailed by low fouls. 
 Lazarillo de formes: a fermon preached in 
 the fourth week in Lent, commonly called 
 Lazarus's week, before a certain religious 
 community ; in which every trick, fetch, 
 plot and device, every piece of knavery and 
 buffonery of that famous and witty rafcal 
 
 * The name of the man who pierced our Saviour is 
 fcid to have becu Longinus. 
 
 was
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 469 
 
 \vas accommodated with inimitable pro- 
 priety to the refurreclion of Lazarus, which 
 the preacher had taken for his fubjec~l. The 
 greateft in the leajl : a fermon preached on 
 St. FrancJs de Paula, without ever depart- 
 ing from that mod fuitable quibble, which 
 feemed born for the purpofe. If, in mort, 
 thou would'ft arrive at the very quinteflence 
 of fubjecls, thou haft nothing to do but to 
 imitate thofe of the juftly celebrated FJo- 
 rilegium, which indeed ought to be thy 
 model for every thing. There thou wilt 
 meet with, The Joy of fuff'ering, in the fuf- 
 fering of Joy t on the joyous griefs of the 
 Holy Virgin : The Royal State of Reafon, 
 again/I the chimerical Reafon of State : The 
 Light of Darknefi in the Darknefs of Light : 
 The Happinefs of Misfortune in the Misfor- 
 tune of Happinefs - t and fo of almoft all the 
 fubjedts of that never-fufficiently-to-be- 
 praifed genius and furprifing monfter of 
 predicatorial excellence. If any whey-faced 
 four critic, or crabbed cbriftian, would 
 perfuade thee, as many have endeavoured . 
 to perfuade me, that fuch, fort of fubjedts 
 and titles, befides having no grace, or fa- 
 vour, or trace of true ingenuity, are pue- 
 rile, mad, w;nton, and quite foreign to 
 the ferioufnefs, gravity, and majefty with 
 H h 3 which
 
 470 The HISTORY of 
 
 which all matters mould be handled in the 
 pulpit, never fet thyfelf about difputing 
 with them, but, making them a low bow, 
 leave them to enjoy their opinion as much 
 as they will, and do thou follow thy own. 
 Becaufe, even fuppofing them to have rea- 
 fon on their fide, they who know it are but 
 four, and they who are delighted with thefe 
 things are four hundred thoufand. 
 
 " The fourth rule: Let thy ftyle be always 
 pompous, fwollen, bridling with Greek or 
 Latin, altifonant, and with as graceful a 
 cadence as poffible. Avoid mod feduloufly 
 vulgar and common words, however pro- 
 per; for if the preacher fpeaks from an High 
 place, and in an High voice, it is but rea- 
 ibnable that his expreffion likewife mould 
 be High. Thou haft an illuftrious model 
 in the author of the Florilegium, and by 
 iludying his phrafes alone thou wilt form 
 fuch a ftyle as will overwhelm thy audience 
 with wonder and delight. Silence thou 
 fhould ft call Taciturnities of the lip ; to 
 praiio, to fanegyrize ; the fight, vifual at- 
 tingfnce of objctts ; never fay Habitation, 
 for fo any clown would fpeak, fay Habi- 
 tachj and leave it to me to anfvver for it; 
 to exift is vulgar, e xiftencial nature is a great 
 thing. That the original crime is conveyed 
 
 down
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 471 
 
 down by fin, we hear at every turn ; but 
 that it is traduced by the fames ofjin, befides 
 being more fonorous, is more Latin, and 
 more obfcure ; and perhaps there may not 
 be wanting fome fool who may think that 
 the firft crime was committed in Hebrew, 
 and that a writer called Fames tranflated * 
 it into Spanim. I have fome little doubt 
 indeed that the propofition (faving the 
 beauty of the phrafe) is an abfurdity ; for 
 the original crime is not conveyed down by 
 fin, but by nature, which was corrupted 
 by it. But let this be as it will ; for as I 
 am very little of a Theologift I don't care 
 to meddle with what I do not underftand. 
 Be careful never to fay Aaron s Rod, left 
 they mould take it for the rod of fome 
 bum-bruming pedagogue; in faying The 
 Aaronitijh Wand, the imagination is ele- 
 vated to an idea of necromantic power. 
 Twinkling Nature, it is plain, founds bet- 
 ter than Short-fighted Nature, which feems 
 to be pitifully begging a pair of fpe&acles 
 as an alms. Thefe examples are fufficient 
 to fliew thee the fort of phrafes thou mouldft 
 ftudy and imitate in the Florilegium : by 
 this means thou wilt form the politcft ftyle 
 
 * Traductr, in its moft common fenfe, means, to 
 tranflate. 
 
 Hh4 in
 
 472 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 in the eafieft manner -> and a fermon intire* 
 ly compofed in it, its real value confidered, 
 (tho' we are circumfcribed to the meagre 
 allowance of a Majordomo) there is not 
 gold enough in the whole world to pay 
 for. 
 
 Of what importance is it that the illu- 
 ftrious Signior Valero in his celebrated 
 paftoral letter^ and I cannot imagine for 
 what it was fo praifed by the moft learned 
 men in the kingdom has made a fevere 
 fatire againit the elevated ftile in fermons, 
 efpecialiy when employed by men, who, it 
 fhould feem, from their auftere profeffion 
 and mortified appearance, would never open 
 their mouths, either in the pulpit or out of 
 it, but to pronounce Bones, Sculls, Sul- 
 phur, and Satan ? I do not remember his 
 exact words, but I know they are very like 
 thefe : 
 
 " What a thing it is to fee come up into 
 a pulpit a preacher, (hrouded rather than 
 cloathed, in a ftrait fack of moft harm texture 
 girded with a knotted cord, from which in 
 imagination the very touch fhrinks with 
 horror; a large, coarfe, pyramidal hood 
 drawn over the head down to the eyes; a 
 dreaming, portentous beard, difcoloured 
 by the hoarinefs of age, the vifage half 
 
 fwallowed
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 473 
 
 fwallowed up in that gloomy grove, and the 
 remainder pale, wan, emaciated by rigo- 
 rous fafts and watchings ; the eyes funk to 
 the very concavities of the brain, as if 
 fearfully retiring from profane objects, and 
 filently imploring, Keep us, Lord, from the 
 vanities of the world ! What a thing, I fay, 
 it is to fee this living fkeleton elevated to 
 the pulpit, frightening by his appearance 
 even thofe who are not timorous, propofing 
 the fubject of his fermon with airy pomp, 
 tucking back the fleeve from his naked arm 
 up to the very elbow, and difcovering a 
 black, fhrivelled fkin, hung loofely over 
 the hard bone, and then to break forth in 
 this or the like manner : 
 
 " Potent protection of delighted Spain, cele- 
 brious colony from Latium fprung, idea of re- 
 nowned confuls clarified, and glory of the 
 Arevacian tribes, what is this / What is this, 
 fweet emulation of the globe, fworn queen of 
 the Carpentanian mountains, in wbofe illuftri- 
 ousjkirts the profpecl of profound concavities 
 fur rounds thee, &c. 
 
 " Muft not the audience be fcandalized 
 (proceeds this pragmatical prelate) at hear- 
 ing from this moving corpfe fuch florid, 
 fwollen, and pompous phrafes, and, when 
 they were expecting to be terrified by an 
 
 idea
 
 474 The HISTORY of 
 
 idea of the heinoufnefs of their fins, or to 
 be inflamed with ardently-devout affections 
 from lips buried in the thicket of that pe- 
 nitential beard, to be fet a ftaring by fuch 
 ridiculous bombaft as would be fcarcely 
 tolerable even on the ftage ? If on the ftage 
 a player (hould appear, with his nicely- 
 powdered perriwig, his gayly-feathered hat, 
 cockaded with a knot of diamonds, em- 
 broidered waiftcoat and correfponding coat, 
 ilockings with fpangled clocks, neat (hoes 
 and brilliant buckles, his fword with an 
 hilt of gold and cane headed with the fame 
 met il, Paris chitterlin and ruffles exquifitely 
 wrought, and he himfelf of heroic ftature, 
 pleafing figure, engaging features, arid in 
 the bloom of yocth> health, and ftrength, 
 placed alone in the central point of view, 
 giving negligently fome little affected ad- 
 juftments to his drefs, and, in act to fpeak, 
 airily fix his hat upon his head, and make 
 to the expecting audience fome fuch be- 
 ginning of a fpeech as this, 
 
 Now that the Fate, O Lord ! with ruthleYs eye 
 Would to my life her fteel's dread edge apply, 
 Now, now, that proftrate on this bed I groan, 
 Uncertain if to fee another Sun-^ 
 
 Culd
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 475 
 
 Could there be hifTes enough muftered for 
 him from all the mufquetry? would not the 
 apples and oranges fly at him from the very 
 hoxes ? would he not be thought fit by 
 the fuperintendant for a place in Bedlam'? 
 Certainly he would. As much a madman 
 therefore is the Capuchin who is a player 
 in the pulpit, as the comedian who 
 ihould preach upon the ftage. And the 
 fame is to be underftood of every prieft 
 of whatever profefilon he may be, as the 
 example of a Capuchin in particular, was 
 given only from the efpecial incongruity 
 there is in his mortified appearance arid fuch 
 ridiculous affectations." 
 
 " Such is the fubftance of what this Sig- 
 nior Bifhop fays ; but what fubftance is there 
 in all this ? The wicked comparifon he 
 makes between the preacher and the player 
 is not to the point, however convincing it 
 may appear; becaufe if on the ftage are re- 
 prefented the lives of Saints and facramental 
 a&s in verfe, why may not there be preach- 
 ed in the pulpit tales and hiftorical fongs in 
 profe? What will they anfvver me ! What 
 will they anfvver me to this retort ! 
 
 " There is another ftyle, which, without 
 being fo much el.vated in expreffion, gives 
 great delight by its cadencies, and few in- 
 deed
 
 476 The HISTORY of 
 
 deed are the hearers, (let Longmus and all 
 defcendants in a right line from the Hang- 
 dogs who murdered Chrift, fay what they 
 will) but what are ravimed with it. The ca- 
 dence is of different kinds, one of poeti- 
 cal meafure, lyric or heroic ; the other 
 confifts in a certain correfpondence which 
 the fecond part of the claufe has with the 
 firft, as, if the firft rinimes in onte the fe- 
 cond muft end in unte\ if the termination of 
 one is in irles, that of the other muft be 
 arks ; if this ends with Tamborlan, that 
 muft end with Mathufalem, A few ex- 
 amples will " But here was the parlous 
 Predicador interrupted by the moft unwel- 
 come arrival of one of the farmer's hinds, 
 running quite out of breath, and telling 
 them, as faft as he could, that thev muft 
 come back diredtly, that the Father Maf- 
 ter had fent him after them, the Archprieft 
 having finished his vifit and returned home. 
 There is no faying how much they both 
 lamented this interruption, as they had 
 work cut out for many hours. But as they 
 could not refufe the Father's call, they were 
 obliged to bend their fteps homewards ; 
 which they did with no very accelerated 
 pace > and by the way Friar Bias made a fhort 
 repetition of the leflbns given to his dif- 
 
 ciple.
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 477 
 
 ciple, to imprint them more ftrongly on 
 his memory, and added that he had yet 
 other, more important rules to give him 
 about the moft eflential parts of which a 
 fermon is compofed, as, "the exordium, the 
 apoftrophes, the circumftances in the falu- 
 tation (which let our Father, or a whole 
 chapter of our Fathers fay what they will, 
 is the mofl necefTary, fuitable, and ingeni- 
 ous thing in the world, and what does moft 
 credit to a preacher) the eulogy of other 
 preachers who precede or follow you on 
 thofi occafions when there is a fermon 
 every day for a week together, the method 
 of difpofing and fafhioning thefe eulogies, 
 the key for rinding in fcripture or profane 
 writings the name or office of the Major- 
 domo and oftentimes both together, the 
 ule of mythology, fables, emblems, and 
 ancient poets, (things which exceedingly 
 adorn an oration), figurative and metapho- 
 rical fubjedts, taking them one while from 
 the planets, another from metals, from 
 hearts, from fifties, from birds ; for ex- 
 ample, to call Chrift in the Sacrament, the 
 Weftlefs Sun, or the Sun which never fets ; 
 St. John Chryfoflom, the Potoli of the 
 Church, (alluding not only to the mines 
 of that name, but likewife to the fjgnifica- 
 
 tion
 
 478 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 tion of the word Cbryfoftom, which means 
 Golden Mouth) -> St. Dominic, the Dog-ftar 
 of his time, in allulion to the dog by which 
 he was prefigured in his mother's womb *, 
 and to the celebration of his feftivals hap- 
 pening in the Dog-days j St. Rofa'de Lima, 
 the Rofe of the -Paffionf; St. Francis 
 Xavier, the divine Heliotrope, or facred 
 Sun-flower, as he followed, in the courfe 
 of his miraculific life, from the Eaft Indies 
 to the Weft, that planet to which this 
 flower is faid conftantly to turn its face ; 
 and fo of the reft. 
 
 " Thefe, and a thoufand other things I 
 had to fay to thee 5 but, what's deferred 
 may be reheard; and the Sermons them- 
 felves which thou may eft be called to 
 preach will furnilh' me with occafions of 
 telling them to thee. What I now charge 
 thee, is, that thou wilt make no account of 
 the wifenonfenfe-of our Father Matter Friar. 
 Prudentio, or that of any of his kidney; 
 for thefe men have a tafte as much wrinkled 
 
 * The Biographers of St. Dominic have made his mo- 
 ther dream that .ihe was* delivered of a Dog, with a 
 flaming torch in his mouth, denoting how faithfully he 
 would defend, and brightly illuminate the church. 
 
 f Or, what we call, the Pafiion flower. St. Rofa, for 
 her extraordinary piety, is faid to have had iniraculoufly 
 imprinted on her hands, feet, and fide, the wound- 
 marks of Chrift. 
 
 as
 
 F R I A R G E R U N D. 479 
 as thin fkin, and approve only fuch fort 
 of Sermons as thofe of the Theatines, 
 Hell open before you, and Chrift * in your 
 hand." Friar Gerund gave his word that 
 he would not in the minuter! article depart 
 from his counfels, principles, and maxims, 
 and with this they entered the houfe, 
 where the next chapter will relate what 
 pafled. 
 
 CHAP. III. 
 
 ' Father Prudentio reads the Sermon of St. 
 Orojia ; gives upon this occafion admirable 
 inftruftions to Friar Gerund, and has his 
 labour for his fains. 
 
 IT was not fo early when they got home 
 but that they found the Father Pru- 
 dentio wirh his candle lighted, his fpec- 
 tacles mounted on his nofe, the Sermon of 
 St. Orolia before him, a pinch of fnuff in 
 one Hand, his head reclined upon the other, 
 fhe box open upon the table, and his fea- 
 tures not in the moft placid form. For, 
 as Friar Bias had told him that he had the 
 Sermon in his wallet, and had made an 
 
 offer of it to him, as foon as he had dif- 
 
 * 
 
 * The Crucifix. 
 ' ' ;-. .' 6. patched
 
 480 The HISTORY of 
 
 patched the Archprieft, and finished recit- 
 ing his Matins and Laudes for the next day, 
 he went, with the freedom of a fenior and 
 the authority of a Father Mafter, to rumage 
 the faid wallet, prefently found the Sermon* 
 and had fet himfelf down to read it. But, 
 at the very firft fentence, fuch was the dif- 
 guft he conceived, that, had he not been 
 with-held by the mildnefs of his difpofition, 
 he would have torn it piecemeal. 
 
 Scarcely had he feen the two companions 
 enter the room, when looking Friar Bias full 
 the face, he faid to him pretty warmly, 
 " Tell me, Father Predicador, is it poffible 
 that you fliould fo much praife this Sermon 
 of St. Oroiia ! Indeed by your account of it 
 I fufpeded how it might be ; my heart 
 mifgave me that I mould find nothing but 
 nonfenfe in it; but yet I could never ima- 
 gine J mould find it fo completely abfurd. 
 I know not upon what account the com- 
 pofer happened not to preach it, but I 
 know that had I been to give the licence 
 for printing it, he would have waited 
 till doomfday." " Our Father," anfvvered 
 the Predicador, with a mixture of difdain 
 and pity, " I did praife that Sermon, I do 
 again praife that Sermon, and I do fay, that 
 all the praife which I can give it, will fall 
 
 (hort 
 8
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 481 
 
 fliort of what it merits." " But, tell me, 
 linner that I am !" exclaimed Prudentio, 
 " is not the very firft claufe fufficient to 
 flamp the author for a molt flupid cox- 
 comb ? What, Sirs, are we in Jaca, or in 
 Glory? All the jut of which puerile and 
 ridiculous entrance coniifts in its being very 
 like that vulgarifm, to be heard in every 
 wine-houfe, What, Sirs, are we here or in 
 Xaieca * ? In God's name what a ftart is 
 this, to begin a facred oration with in the 
 place where his honour dwelleth f Let us 
 go on. But who doubts that we are in glory t 
 being in jfaca. For if the place of Glory is 
 Heaven, there is now an Heaven in this 
 place. Can there be more foolifh quibbles, 
 or a play of words more infubftantial ? 
 
 " And how does he prove that the church 
 of Jaca is fynonimous to Heaven ? Why, 
 by the ftrangeft jumble of jumbles, con- 
 founding the material Heaven with that of 
 Glory, jult as it feems to him to turn beft to 
 account. He fays that this church is Hea- 
 
 * What, are we amongft honeft men or fcoundrels ? 
 <c Thofe of the Xnveca," is a proverbial expreffion for 
 all forts of blackguards. Xaveca, properly fignifies a 
 fifhing netj and to the fiflicry on the fouthern coaft 
 great numbers of the moft profligate and arch rogues in 
 iipain refort 
 
 The X and J have the fame guttural found in Spanifh. 
 
 VOL, I. I i ven,
 
 482 .The HISTORY of 
 
 .ven, fii ft, becaufe Heaven is called the Church 
 triumphant, and the Church of Jaca is a 
 triumphant Church, becaufe on the fpot 
 vi here it ftands, a victory was gained againft . 
 the Moors, whence it was called, The Field 
 of Victory. According to this reafoning, 
 the famous Mofque at Damafcus might in 
 like manner be called, The Mofque Tri- 
 umphant, as the Moors gained there a 
 victory agairift the Chriftians. What a 
 ridiculous and extravagant acceptation of 
 the Church Triumphant ! which is not 
 called fo from having been a field of battle, 
 or of the victory of the Saints which com- 
 pofe it, but from their triumphing in Hea- 
 ven after their warfare upon earth. And 
 to be fure it did not fail to delight me, to 
 fee him load the margin with a prolix cita- 
 tion from Silveyra, -noting the book, the 
 chapter, the fection, and the paragraph, ta 
 prove a thing of fuch vulgar notoriety, as 
 that Heaven is called the Church Triumph- 
 ant ; like that other blockhead of a Ser- 
 mon-writer, who faid, Humility is pro- 
 foundly called by my Father St. Bernard, 
 Humilitas -, as the curious reader may find in 
 bis books on Conji deration to Pope Eugenius. 
 
 '* The ft con d proof that the Church of 
 Jaca is Heaven, is, becaufe the Sun is Pre- 
 
 fident 

 
 FRIAR GERUND. 483 
 
 Relent of Heaven, the Perfians call the Sun 
 Mytra> the fign of the Lion in the Sun's 
 houfe, and the fignior ififhop of Jaca wears 
 a Mitre, and has a Lion in his Coat of 
 Arms. By this rule, there are more Hea- 
 vens below the clouds than above them j 
 for there we are told there are but eleven, 
 and here we may reckon eleven thoufand, 
 it being certain, that all Cathedral Churches 
 have Bifhops, all Bifhops wear Mitres, and 
 if the Perfian calls the Sun Mytra, we have 
 here as many Suns as BifhopSj and as many 
 Heavens as Cathedral Churches. It muft 
 be confefled that the proof is ingenious, 
 fubtle, and conclufive. And what does 
 his Preacherfhip mean by the fign of the 
 Lion being the Sun's houfe ? If he means 
 that it is his own houfe, or one that he has 
 a leafe of, which is his Conftant and fixed 
 dwelling, it is an abfurdity at which any 
 wine-houfe man, who has a (heet almanac 
 hung behind the kitchen -door, would 
 laugh. If he calls it the Sun's houfe, be- 
 caufe this brilliant poflilion of the Heavens 
 ftops in his annual journey for fome days at 
 the imaginary inn or houfe of this fign, to 
 give barley of light to his immortal fteeds, 
 the fign of the Crab is as much the Sun's 
 houfe as the fign of the Lion, and any one 
 I i 2 of
 
 484. The HISTORY of 
 
 of the other eleven figns at which this illuf- 
 trious traveller {hall reft, has an equal right 
 to prefume to the fame honour. 
 
 *' The third proof. The church of Jaca 
 is Heaven, becaufe Heaven is called Tyara ; 
 and Cartarius fays, that it has two doors 
 with two keys ; the arms of the Cathedral 
 of Jaca are two keys and a tyara.- Well 
 then, what have we to do but to declare 
 it Heaven, with the authority of Carta- 
 rius ? Poor ignorant Prieft ! All Churches 
 which have no particular arms, ufe thofe 
 of the Church of Rome (which are a tyara 
 with two keys, denoting its temporal and 
 fpiritual jurisdiction), to fignify that they 
 have no other patron than his Holinefs, and 
 that they are of the Catholic, Apoftolic, 
 Roman Communion. Hence the poorefl 
 Country Church has as much right to be 
 Heaven as the Cathedral of Jaca, and .the 
 Father Dodor cuts a bright figure with 
 his impertinent citation of Cartarius. But 
 where he is more pleafant, is, in the other 
 three reafons of agreement, which he adds 
 why the Church of Jaca mould have the 
 fame arms as St Peter's at Rome, the head 
 of all Churches. He fays that this is, '-: 
 ther, that not even the Jupr erne head of the 
 world, Rome, might be able to boajl of greater 
 
 nobknefi
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 485 
 
 mblenefs than the renowned Cathedral of 
 Jaca (it is well he was prevented from 
 preaching this fermon, as I am certain that 
 for this propofition alone that illuftrious 
 and wife chapter would have roared the 
 organ, and fet the dog-whippers, and even 
 the dogs, upon him) or, becaufe it feems 
 that the head of the Church ought to have 
 been at Jaca, had not St. Peter appointed 
 it at Rome (now it comes thick and three~ 
 fold!) or becaufe Heaven, the beautiful Re- 
 public of fo much brilliant Sap hire, is alone 
 the condign Image of fo refpeflable a Chapter. 
 Does not this deferve a condign whipping, 
 pr at leaft a fool's cap and bells ? 
 
 " But I have done with it ; for I have 
 not patience to read any more of fuch con- 
 founded ftupidity. And this fermon was 
 printed ! And poems were compofed in its 
 praife \ And the honeft parfon of Jacarilla 
 gives it as, a model for the preachers of St. 
 Orofia ! And the Father Predicador Mayor 
 fo much extols this fermon 1" " Ay, Fa- 
 ther Matter," anfwered the Predicador, " I 
 did, I do, and I (hall praife it ; for if all 
 fermons were to be examined with fuch 
 rigorous exactnefs and minutenefs, what 
 would become of all the bravery and' ele r 
 gance of the pulpit ?" " What elegance, 
 I i 3 or
 
 4 S6 The HISTORY of 
 or what bravery, o my fins!" exclaimed 
 Prudentio. Is it elegance to fay as many 
 abfurdities as words? Is it bravery to fpou 
 herefies and blafphemies at every turn , 
 And pray tell me, Friar Bias, what has any 
 th ing P of this to do with the heroic vmue, 
 of St. Orofia, the powerfulnefs of her 
 
 patronage, or the W*gV*'%2 
 ample, the only ends which the facred 
 orator fhould propofe to himfclf m 1 
 
 Pa r g L y e r ; C y our Paternity obferve,"faid Friar 
 
 Bias, " that all this is (aid in the falota- 
 tion which is deftined folely to the treat- 
 
 ing on the circumftances, and has no con- 
 neaion with the body of the fermon, which 
 is the place for the Eulo gl es of the Sa nt, 
 an d"- Stop, Father Predicador, -replied 
 Prudentio quickly, f that is to fay that 
 the head is to have no conne&on with A 
 body, or the beginning with the. middle or 
 the end, and that the foundation is to be m 
 .one part and the fuperftruflure in another 
 The Mutation either is or is not a part ot 
 the fermon. If it is not, why is t.me id y 
 fpentupon it ? If it is, why is it not to 
 have union and connexion with the reft. 
 And where has the Father Predicador read 
 that the falutation of a fermon was defigned
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 487 
 
 for the flattering of Chapters or Major- 
 domos, for the delufion of the audience, 
 for quibbles and ribaldry, for puppet-fhow- 
 work, for bull-feaft, for dance, for drun- 
 kennefs, and the devil, for which we have 
 the grief to fee mod falutations fcandaloufly 
 calculated r" 
 
 I don't know, Father Matter, whether 
 J have read it or not," anfwered Friar Bias 
 with much compofure, " I only know that 
 what is ufed can't be excufed ; that this is 
 the general cuftom, of Spain; and that ora- 
 tors fliould conform to cuftom we are 
 (hewn by that rule known even to the chil- 
 dren, Orator fatrice dottum ne fpreverit 
 ujitm" " It is plain (replied Prudentio) 
 that the Father Predicador underftands 
 things only by the found, and confequent- 
 ly no wonder that he forms fuch ftrange 
 ideas of them. For, in the firft place, 
 this rule was not made for thofe whom we 
 call Orators or Preachers, but for thofe 
 who fpeak or pronounce Latin in profe, 
 which is called Oration to diftinguim it 
 from verfe. To thefe it intimates, that 
 when they meet with any word which has 
 no fixed quantity in verfe, but fome fylla- 
 ble in it is long or (hort at pleafure, in profe 
 they fhould pronounce it always as the in- 
 I i 4 telligent
 
 The HISTORY of 
 
 telligent and learned men of their country 
 are accuftomed to do and not prefume to 
 make themfelves fingular in contradiction 
 to fuch cuftom. And, fecondly, even 
 though the rule had been addrefled to thofe 
 whom we call Preachers, it would not have 
 favoured his intention, for it does not fay 
 that the preacher is not to defpife any 
 cuftom whatever, but not to defpife a 
 learned cuftom, DOCTUM nefpreverit nfutn, 
 that is, the eftabliftied, the conformable 
 to reafon, and the pra&ifed by men univer- 
 fally reputed learned and intelligent in their 
 profeffions. This is what is properly to be 
 called cuftom, for every thing elfe is abufe 
 and corruption. Now then, (hew me a 
 fingle orator of Spain, of thofe I mean 
 whom fober people efteem true orators and 
 not crazy fellows, of thofe who are not 
 fought out as the Merry- Andrews of the 
 pulpit, cf thofe who .deferve and who ac- 
 quire the general reputation of wife, cul- 
 tivated, well-informed, and circumfpect 
 men Shew me, I fay again, a fingle one 
 of thefe who follows this curfed cuftom, 
 who does not defpife, who does not abo- 
 minate, who does not execrate it j who 
 does not commiferate thofe who praclife 
 and praife it, or does not make a ridicule 
 
 both
 
 RIAR GERUND. 489 
 
 both of one and the other; and afterwards 
 we will talk. 
 
 " On the contrary, I am ready to mew 
 many fermons, in print and manufcript, of 
 famous modern orators of Spain, who, 
 having preached on the fame feftivals, and 
 with the fame clrcumjlances (that we are 
 forfeited with hearing of!) upon which 
 other preachers played the fool without 
 modefty and without meafure, either mag- 
 nanimoufly defpifed them all, without 
 vouchfafing them a fmgle fyllable, or if 
 they touched upon them it was with an 
 air of fuch contempt as made the ridicu- 
 loufnefs of this abufe viiible and even rifible 
 to every hearer. I have fome of thefe fer- 
 mons in my cell at home, and have for- 
 tunately brought with me one, the faluta- 
 tion of which I {hall infift upon your hear- 
 ing ; 'tis here under the defk, for I had a 
 defign to read it to Friar Gerund." Then 
 haftily remounting his fpe&acles he did em- 
 phatical juftice to this falutation, which 
 inveighed againft the abufe in, queftion 
 with much the fame fort of arguments as 
 the good man had uied himfclf, and at 
 finifhing it, turning full upon Friar Bias, 
 faid, " Now let the Father Predicador fee 
 if there are wanting in Spain thofe who 
 
 draw
 
 490 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 draw the fword refolutely againft the pue* 
 rile and ignorant cuftom which he urges. 
 And he is to know that this falutation was 
 heard with fuch applaufe from the nume- 
 rous and chofen audience to which it was 
 preached, that even they, who from in- 
 advertency or want of judgment had given 
 into what it fo fharply reprehended, went 
 away fo convinced of their error, that they 
 faid to one another the fame as Menage and 
 Balzac are reported to have done after the 
 firfl reprefentation of the famous comedy 
 of Moliere, called Les Precieufes Ridicules^ 
 in which he laughed with inimitable grace 
 at the metaphorical and figurative ftyle at 
 that time the T^on in France, Moliere has 
 abundant reajon in what he fays ; he has 
 made a judicious, delicate, and jujl critique, 
 and fo convincing that it is unanswerable ; 
 henceforward, Monjieur, we mujl abominate 
 what we celebrated, and celebrate what we 
 abominated. Indeed fome of the preachers 
 who heard this falutation, and who before 
 had fuffered themfelves to be drawn down 
 the current, now amamed of themfelves 
 began to preach with folidity, piety, an4 
 judgment ; and fo far was it from diminifh- 
 ing the number of their followers, that it 
 
 was
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 491 
 
 was notorious that their eflimation and ap- 
 plaufe encreafed." 
 
 " Very docile indeed were thefe reverend 
 Fathers," anfwered Friar Bias with an ironU 
 cal fmile. " As to rayfelf, I muft fay, 
 that the falutation has not converted Me, fo 
 hardened am I as all that ; becaufe, tho' 
 his reafoning feems to have weight, yet to 
 me there is more weight in the contrary 
 practice of fo many approved preachers, 
 and above all in the applaufe with which 
 the hearers celebrate the touching and re- 
 touching of the circumftances, experier r 5e 
 fhewing us that if thefe are much infifted 
 pn, let the remainder of the fermon b* 
 made up of what it will, it is always ex- 
 tolled ; and on the contrary, that unlefs 
 thefe are well worried and fifted, tho' the 
 Preacher fpeak divinities, the audience will 
 fhew much indifference and think him a 
 poor creature, and the Majordomo pay him 
 his money with an ill grace and a worfe 
 face. And don't let your Paternity tell 
 me that this is only the bad tafte and mif- 
 taken opinion of the ignorant and vulgar. 
 Many great and mighty Matters are of the 
 ime opinion ; and J need go r*> further for 
 a proof than to that very fermon of St. 
 Qrofia, which has fallen fo much under the 
 
 difpleafure
 
 492 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 difpleafure of your Paternity. It has three 
 approbations of three well-known and 
 highly-celebrated Fathers, one a Domini- 
 can, one a Jefuit, and the other of the or- 
 der of the Author : Let your Paternity read 
 the extraordinary praifes which they all 
 three give him, and the two firft exprefsly 
 and fpecifically, for his noticing the circum- 
 ftances, and then tell me if it is for the ig- 
 norant and vulgar only to applaud the pay- 
 ing a particular attention to them." 
 
 " Look you, Father Predicador," an- 
 iC.ered the Father Mafter with a ftudied 
 deliberation, ' you have now touched upon a 
 point, on which I might fpeak for fome hours, 
 if there was time and occafion, tho' many 
 have already fpoken much and well upon 
 it. This is, the improper and extravagant 
 cuftom, introduced into Spain and Portugal, 
 but ridiculed generally by other nations, 
 of the imprimaturs', licences', or appro- 
 bations' of books, and even of the moft 
 wretched pamphlets, being converted into 
 immoderate panegyrics on their authors, 
 when the bufinefs of the Cenfor is only to 
 fay limply and fliortly whether or not the 
 work contains any thing contrary to Law, 
 Good Faith, and Good Manners. I fay 
 there is now no need to enter into a cenfure 
 
 of
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 493 
 
 pf the Cenfors, as it is growing late and 
 we fhall lofe our fuppers j but in thefe very 
 approbations which you inftance, either I 
 am wickedly inclined, which I do not be- 
 lieve, or that of the Jefuit Father is a piece 
 of roguery, and when properly underftood 
 will appear to be a delicate fatire againft the 
 abfurdities -of the fermon in all its parts. I 
 think, at leaft, I difcover that the faid 
 Father aimed at dextroufly extricating him- 
 felf from the fcandal of praifing this fer- 
 mon, if he did not intend to fatirize it ; 
 and thus much is certain that he declares 
 repeatedly that he does not approve or 
 praife it. 
 
 " The fly rogue fiiggefts himfelf to be 
 connected with the family and order of the 
 author; and never departing from theground 
 of " Laudet te alienus", which he conftrues, 
 Let the Stranger praife thee, he fays, in one 
 place, that he ought not to take upon h'm the 
 office of an Approver ; in another, that he 
 accounts it as one of his greatejl happinejfes not 
 to be able to praife that fermon ; in a third, 
 that he is too nearly allied to fet himfelf about 
 praijing it > in a fourth, fpeaking determi- 
 nately of the circumftances and the faluta- 
 tion, that it does not belong to him to cele- 
 brate it ; in a fifth, that eulogies 'wouldcome 
 
 better
 
 494 The HISTORY 6f 
 
 better from any other mouth than his\ and laftlyv 
 that even as to what relates to the good tajle 
 of the Gentleman who gives this fermon to the 
 prefst it will be of more confequence, or at leajl 
 it will not fall to be more courtefy, to leave 
 the whole affair of praifmg him to thofe with- 
 out ; laudet te alienus. Now either I am a 
 numfcull and do not underftand a word of 
 Irony, or this fame Cenfor is a moft arch 
 wag. His whole endeavour is evidently to 
 avoid the. fubjedt, fhun the difficulty, and 
 fay with grace and pleafantry that others 
 may praife what he neither can praife nor 
 ought to praife. And, moreover,- from 
 that flirewd conftruclion of Laudet te alie- 
 nits, Let the Stranger praife thee, I cannot 
 help fhrewdly fufpecting- God forgive me 
 if I make a ram judgmenj but I cannot 
 help fufpefting that by the word Stranger 
 he would not have thofe to be underftood 
 who may not be in reality or affeclion fa 
 nearly allied to the author as he fuggefts 
 himfelf to be, but that he leaves it in doubt 
 whether we may not underfland by it thofe 
 who are Strangers to the profeffion, to li- 
 terature, and to all propriety, in a word, 
 dolts and blockheads. It is not impoffible 
 but that I may make the libel by my inter- 
 pretation ; but I arn pretty confident that 
 I am not miflaken." 2
 
 FR.IAR GERUND. 495 
 
 " And I, in my turn, am as confident 
 (replied Friar Bias) that your Paternity is 
 much miftaken ; for if this Father Matter 
 was not difpofed to give his approbation to 
 the fermon, pray, who obliged him to do 
 it ? Who threatened his life, holding a dag- 
 ger to his breaft, if he did not undertake 
 this office ? To which is to be added, that, 
 if the author put his truft in him as a friend 
 to do him this favour (as this office is ge- 
 nerally configned by the Tribunals to thofe 
 whom the authors point out to them) it is 
 not likely that he fhould be guilty of this 
 treachery to him, and that when the poor 
 man was expecting a panegyric he fhould 
 have the mortification to receive a fatire. 
 Honour and honefty required that if he 
 could not find in his confcience really to 
 approve it, he {hould have excufed himfelf 
 from the office and not play him fuch a 
 Judas-trick." 
 
 " Fair and foftly, good Friar Bias, (re- 
 plied Prudentio) for tho' your reply is un- 
 doubtedly fpecious, and your manner of 
 arguing, at leaft for this time, founded in 
 reafon, yet it is not unanfwerable, fince the 
 mod likely is not always the moft true. 
 How do we know but that the Approver 
 might find himfelf in fome political or 
 
 charitable
 
 496 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 charitable neceffity which could not ho- 
 nourably be refifted ? Now I can imagine a 
 cafe which I think very natural. It is cer- 
 tain that this fermon was not preached, we 
 know not on what account -, and likewife 
 it is certain, that, for this very reafon of 
 its having been forbidden to be preached 
 the author (who was a man of fome rank 
 in his profeffion) and his partizans made a 
 point of having it printed by way of vindi- 
 cating him from the flur caft upon him by 
 the prohibition. Well then, let us fuppofe 
 that his Provincial might have no great 
 partiality for the author, but that he might 
 be an intimate friend of this Jefuit, the 
 Approver, and that he mould have refolved 
 on not giving a licence for printing the 
 fermon till it had patted under the cenfure 
 of this friend of his. Now in this cafe it 
 is vry likely that the author and his parti- 
 zans played all their artillery on the poor 
 Jefuit, reprefenting in the ftrongefl terms 
 how much the reputation, honour, and 
 even preferment of this Religious depended 
 upon his doing him that favour. What 
 part could an honeft kind-hearted man take 
 in fuch a flrait ? To refufe having any thing 
 to do with it was utterly impoflible ; to 
 praife the fermon openly, there was not 
 6 merit
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 497 
 
 merit enough in it tojuftify, nor would his 
 lincerity permit ; to reprobate it, was at 
 oitce to ruin the author in the opinion of 
 his principal, and to declare for thofe who 
 infulted him. What then was to be done ? 
 It feems, I think, that he could not have 
 purfued a more prudent meafure than that 
 which he did purfue ; -to give an equivo- 
 cal cenfure, which mould neither approve 
 nor dif approve the fermon, and feek a fpe- 
 cious pretext for ecxufing himfelf from 
 praifing it, and leaving the office to thofe 
 who were better qualified." 
 
 " This may have been as you reprefent 
 it (replied Friar Bias) but the eulogies of 
 the other two approvers are not equivocal ; 
 they are very clear and x exprefiive ; and, in 
 truth, they are neither of them of your 
 ordinary gentry, but are both fubje&s of 
 fuch fuperior form that they have titles 
 enough (and to fpare) for a feat at a general 
 Council." 
 
 " I do not deny it, (faid Prudentio) but 
 I have already faid, that of the eulogies of 
 Cenfors and Poets little account is to be 
 made ; becaufe both one and the other, 
 (generally fpeaking) fay not what the works 
 they praife truly are, but what they ought 
 to be. And if their merit were to be judged 
 
 VOL. I, K k of
 
 498 The HISTORY of 
 
 of according to thofe praifes, the moft mi- 
 ferable, wretched, little works, the moft 
 unworthy of public light, and worthy only 
 of a public bonfire, thofe which contribute 
 mod, and with the greateft juftice, to fwell 
 the fize of the ILxpurgatorios * ; fuch would 
 be the moft excellent, for fuch precifely are 
 the things which flrut forth into the world 
 with the mod pompous accompaniment and 
 roaring train of Approbations, Acroftics, 
 Epigrams, Decimas -f t and Sonnets, which 
 have been all pitifully begged, unlefs in- 
 deed the author mall have fabricated them 
 himfelf, and defired his friends only to lend 
 their names. But does alt this prevent the 
 faid works from being expofed to the ridi- 
 cule and contempt of the intelligent, or is 
 the Holy Tribunal of the In-qiiifition with- 
 held from flalkinginamidft this goodly tribe 
 of Prolegomena with uplifted wand, with- 
 out caring a ftraw for the authority or the 
 multitude of the Approvers ? 
 
 " It is certain that if the Cenfors kept 
 within the precife iimits of their office, and 
 anfwered, as they ought, the great confi- 
 dence placed in them, by not approving any 
 work which they had not firfl rigoroufly exa- 
 
 * The Inquifition-catalogues of forbidden books, 
 f A ftanza, or little piece of poetry of ten lines. 
 
 ' mined ;
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 499 
 
 mined ; if they had the holy fincerity to 
 expofe all their objections to the tribunals 
 by which they are appointed to cenfure, 
 and afterwards refolutely determined not to 
 approve the work till all thefe objections 
 fhould be removed ; then indeed a very 
 moderate degree of praife from them would 
 be of great weight. But knowing, as we 
 do, how this farce is carried on ; when it 
 is notorious that friendmip, connection, or 
 party, are the things alone which are con- 
 fulted in the appointment of the tafk; that 
 the whole affair is reduced to matter of 
 mere ceremony and formality, infomuch 
 that if any one, zealous as well for the ho- 
 nour of Science as the Credit of the Nation, 
 fhould be for executing it according to the 
 rigid rule of right and reafon, he would be 
 accounted ridiculous and impertinent, m 
 what eftimation are we to hold the praifes 
 we read in thofe abfurd Panegyrics, called, 
 by a wrong name, Cenfures? 
 
 " O Friar Bias, Friar Bias, how often have 
 I lamented to myfelf this moft prejudicial 
 diforder in our nation, extending oaly to 
 Portugal, and fcarcely known in other coun- 
 tries ! And how eafy has the remedy of it 
 appeared to me ! Do you know what it is? 
 Why, that one fhould proceed againft thefe 
 K k 2 Approvers
 
 5 oa The HISTORY of 
 
 Approvers as one would againft a Contrajle* 
 or a Guarantee. What could be more juft? 
 For the Approver is no other than a Con- 
 trafte who examines the quality and ge- 
 nuinefs of the work committed to his in- 
 fpedlion. Thou haft declared that to be 
 Gold which is but Pinchbeck, Tin to be 
 Silver, and a> piece of coloured Glafs a pre- 
 cious Stone. Pay me then, Rafcal, and 
 fuffer the punishment which thy ignorance 
 or iniquity deferves -f. 
 
 And how many follies would be excluded 
 by fuch a provifion ? How much paper 
 would be faved ? How would expence be- 
 lefTened to the authors, whom it cofts 
 fometimes as much to print the approba- 
 tions as the work itfelf ? Many and many 
 could I name in which the approbations 
 
 * A ContraJJe, is an officer appointed to examine, and 
 cflablifh the goodnefs of coins, metals, &c. 
 
 f Note by the Author. 
 
 The fc.upulous fidelity with which we are bound to> 
 the monuments we follow in this hiftory, pefmits us not 
 to iupprefs this judicious inveclive of the Mailer Pru- 
 dentio againft, the abqvementioned abufes ; but they have 
 been juft now wifely reformed by an aft of the Royal and 
 Supreme Council of Caftile of the iQth of July, in the> 
 Jaft year, 1756; to the juft and prudent provifion o 
 which al it is to be hoped and expected that the Eccle- 
 fiaftieal Judges will, as far as they are concerned, con- 
 form. Tlio' the difeafe be a real one, there is now a. 
 Suitable remedy applied, and no necefllty for the recipe,- 
 pOmtra out by the monuments of our hiftory. 
 
 occupy
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 501 
 occupy as much fpace as the whole body 
 of the work, but I pafs them over from 
 juft refpects. None are more prejudiced 
 than the authors themfcives, if they print 
 the book on their own accouut, becaufe 
 they themfelves in this cafe buy their own 
 praifes in the expence they are at to bring 
 them to the knowledge of others. Cart 
 there be more folly, or more poornefs of 
 fpirit ? It has fome degree of refemblance 
 to the paying for the feigned tears of hired 
 mourners at a funeral. 
 
 " Yet the mifery of human folly, in fome 
 of our writers, or plagiaries, who would 
 pafs for writers, flops not here. Will it 
 be credible that there mould be many to 
 be found, who, for want of good men, 
 and that they may owe nothing to any one, 
 praife their own fweet felves, being the 
 artificers of thofe eulogies to be read in the 
 antichamber of their works ? Yes, verily, 
 my friend, there are men to be found of 
 this comfortable mould and enviable fere- 
 nity. More than two and more than 
 twenty of thefe obliging creatures to them- 
 fcives could I name to thee. They are not 
 fo fimple indeed as to fubfcribe their own 
 names to thefe eulogies, for that would be 
 a candour laying claim to the diftindion of 
 K k 3 a fool's
 
 5 o2 FRIAR GERUND. 
 
 a fool's cap j but with ah anagram, a fup- 
 pofititious name, or the borrowed name of 
 fome of the apprentices to literature and 
 brothers of the quill, of which there are 
 in all parts ; and frequently under the tig- 
 nature of, A Friend, Jujlice, Impartiality t 
 or, A Difcipk of the Author* the good gen- 
 tleman trowels on himfelf the plaifter of 
 praife without referve, and makes a figure 
 in the eyes of his flmpleton readers." 
 
 " But, Father Matter (interrupted the 
 Predicador) this muft certainly be a rafh 
 judgment, or there is no fuch thing in the 
 Chriftian world. Whence does it appear 
 that thefe eulogies were fabricated by the 
 authors of the works ? Did they ever con- 
 fefs it to your Paternity ?" " Friar Bias (re- 
 plied Prudentio) thou haft fometimes cer- 
 tain parvoices che fan pitta** There is no 
 neceffity for the Authors' revealing it ; the 
 ftyle difcovers it ; nor is it eafy, either in 
 verfe or profe, to remain concealed ; and 
 without all that olfactory virtue which is 
 poflefTcd by under jlandings of very open pores 
 to perceive the fubtle fpirit which diftinguifoes 
 writers in their ivorfo, as the author of thq 
 
 * Sillinefles which excite compaflion. A phrafe pro- 
 bably (from the mixture of Portugueze and Italian) af- 
 fe&ed in his great wifdom by the Baibadino. 
 
 letter
 
 The HISTORY of 503 
 
 letter againft the Rout of the Alans gal- 
 lantly expreffes himfelf, any nofe of the 
 underftanding, which has not got a cold, 
 may trace them from the effluvia they emit. 
 Befide-s which, {bme authors are fuch good 
 fouis that they do confefs it themielves. 
 And doftthou think this is done from fim- 
 plicity ? Indeed it is ; but the rogues fay it 
 not with that view, but becaufe they can- 
 not forego the glory or the vanity of ac- 
 quainting their confidants that they too 
 know how to make fonnets as well as 
 other people, even though upon themfelves." 
 
 CHAP. IV. 
 
 converfation interrupted by the entrance 
 
 FRIAR Bias was about to reply 
 when Gregory came in with the 
 fupper, faying to them, with an air of 
 ruftic pleafantry, *' Our Fathers, onla tl- 
 empus babunt, tiemfus difpunfandi & tiempus 
 cenandi: the blefled St. Fillbelly be with 
 your Paternities now, and leave your cum- 
 locutories ; for the eggs are growing hard, 
 the roaft meat is a fpoiling, and by the 
 clock of my belly it is full nine at night." 
 K k 4 " Brother
 
 The HISTORY of 
 
 '* Brother Gregory is in the right of it,'* 
 faid the Father Matter ; and they fat down 
 to table. The flipper was not iplendid, 
 but yet decent : a couple of fallads, a boiled 
 and raw one, new-laid eggs, half a turkey 
 roafted, fome hafhed hare, and cheefe and 
 olives for defert ; and Friar Gerund diverted 
 them much while it Jafted. As his pedan- 
 tic preceptor the Domine Zaneas-largas 
 had his memory ftored with heaps of Latin 
 verfes, fentences, and aphorifms for every 
 thing, and every thought, and every word, 
 and which he bolted out at every turn, 
 whether or no they were at all to the pur- 
 pofe, provided there was to be found 
 amongft his cento any fimilarity in found 
 to any thing in the prefent fubject, and by 
 this means had acquired amongii the igno- 
 rant the credit of a monfter of erudition, 
 and a we/! of knollitcb as he was called in 
 that country, his diligent difciple Friar 
 Gerund endeavoured to copy this imperti- 
 nence as well as all the other ridiculous ex- 
 travagancies of the blefled Domine. With 
 this idea he had well fluffed his head with 
 Latin lines, apophthegms, and common- 
 places, to fhine away with upon occafion j 
 apd when the flow of erudition vva^s upon 
 
 him
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 505 
 
 him, the little Friar became an unremitting 
 diarrhea of Latinized abfurdity. 
 
 As foon, then, as the lettuces preferred 
 themfelves upon the table, turning to his 
 friend Friar Bias, he alked him, 
 
 Claudere quae etnas lafluca folebai avorum. 
 Die mibi cur no/Iras inchoat ilia dopes ? 
 
 The Father Predicador found himfelf rather 
 diftreffed by the queftion, for as it was in 
 Latin verfe, and he had only got Latin 
 enough to ferve, and that but indifferently, 
 for the Breviary, he did not on the fudden 
 over-and-above clearly 1 underftand it, and 
 therefore faid, " Speak more plainly if thou 
 \vouldft have me anfwer thee." But pre- 
 fently, upon Gerund's repeating it more 
 flowly, and as the Latin was not intricate 
 in itfelf, he comprehended it, and faid, 
 " The meaning of this is to alk, why we 
 begin our fupper with lettuce, when our 
 fore-fathers were wont to finilh with it ?" 
 The reafon is very evident ; becaufe in al- 
 moft every thing we begin where our fore- 
 fathers left off." " Claudian hath faid it 
 (interrupted Friar Gerund, applauding the 
 explanation) capifti quafnis erat ;" and the 
 J\] after laughed as much at the impertinent 
 
 readinefs
 
 506 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 readinefs of the one as the folly of the 
 other. 
 
 Afterwards followed fome boiled leeks, 
 with the heads cut off; and fcarcely had 
 Gerund feen them when he exclaimed, 
 
 Fila Tiirent'mi graviter redolentia porri 
 Edljl'i quotieS) ofcula claufa data. 
 
 Friar Bias faid, that he underftood only 
 that the verfe fpoke of a leek *, but for 
 the eafe of his confcience he mufl confefs 
 that he did not know what it meant. Friar 
 Gerund then fet the words in order of con- 
 ftrudtion, uoties ediftijila graviter redolen- 
 tia tarentlni forri dato clatija ofcula, obferv- 
 ing to him by the way, that in the territory 
 of the city of Taranto, grow the moft fa- 
 mous leeks in all Italy, as the garlick of 
 Corellia is the moft famous in Navarre, and 
 the afparagus of Portillio in Old Caftije - y 
 with which information Friar Bias faid, 
 " Now I think I underftand the meaning 
 of the verfe; it is as much as to fay, unlefs 
 J am miftaken, that whenever one eats 
 leeks of Taranto, and I fuppofe the fame 
 would happen though the leeks fhould be 
 
 * The Spanifli and Latin name being nearly the fame. 
 
 of
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 507 
 
 of Upper-Melgar, it feems rather as if one 
 was luffing than eating, inafmuch as it is 
 in fact, rather fucking than eating, and to 
 fuck one puts one's lips together." " You 
 have hit the mark, (replied Gerund) but, 
 notwithftanding, the Latin poet has not fo 
 well explained this affair as the Spaniard, 
 who fays, 
 
 Fruit * who eats to rot that's lain. 
 
 Froth who drinks that's brew'd from grain, 
 
 He who fucks the flimy Leek, 
 
 Dogs who kifs who takes the freak, 
 
 In each fo much its vaunted pleafure mifles, 
 
 That he nor Eats, nor Drinks, nor Sucks, nor Ki{Tes* 
 
 The Mafter Prudentio did not fail to laugh 
 again, this time, at the fimplicity of Ge- 
 rund, pleafed with the joke of the Spanifli 
 lines he gave for explanation, and even, 
 praifed the happinefs of his memory, 
 though he inwardly pitied him for not em- 
 ploying it more worthily. 
 
 He, who faw himfelf celebrated, felt 
 his vanity fomewhat tickled, and refolved 
 to let nothing appear without faluting it 
 with its diftich. When the eggs therefore 
 came upon the table he took one in his 
 hand, held it up to the candle, and, think- 
 
 * Medlars. 
 
 ing
 
 5 o3 The HISTORY of 
 
 ing he difcovered a chicken in it, gave a 
 loud laugh, and faid, 
 
 Candida ft crocus circumfiuit undo vitellos, 
 Hejperius Scombri temperet ova liquor. 
 
 Poor Friar Bias was quite at a lofs, for 
 this was too much Latin for a preacher 
 who compofed only in his mother-tongue, 
 and at a lofs he would have remained if his 
 good friend Gerund had not taken com- 
 panion upon him and given him this ex- 
 planation, 
 
 Eggs, which th'already gender'd chick inflirine, 
 Boil in the belly with good ftore of wine *. 
 
 Upon this Prudentio took occafion to jeer 
 the Predicador on his want of Latin, tell- 
 ing \\irn he was like the Parfon who faid 
 to his parifhoners, " I indeed do not know 
 much of Latin, but I will apply myfelf to 
 the ftudy of it, and 'till I learn it I have 
 EOthing to do but to preach." " None of 
 your farcafms, our Father, (replied Friar 
 Bias, who felt the fatire) to preach there is 
 no neceffity to underiland the Latin of 
 
 * The author, It Is to be fuppofed, would have this 
 explanation underftood in ihe fame manner as the 
 termer. 
 
 6 poets,
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 509 
 
 poets, it is fufficient for me to conftrue that 
 of the Bible tolerably, and as for that, 
 Calepine and I againft any two." 
 
 Now came the dim of roaft meat, which 
 was half a turkey, and as foon as Gerund 
 had a glimpfe of it he exclaimed in a plain- 
 tive tone, 
 
 Miraris quoties gemmantes expKcat alas, 
 Et pates bunc fievo trader *, dure y coco! 
 
 And, without fuffering his friend to be 
 diftrefTed again, immediately explained it 
 thus, 
 
 The Bird, whofe plumes fo oft delight thine eye, 
 Shall thy blind Palate, ruel, doom to die ! 
 
 But all his companion for the poor bird 
 did not with -hold him from clapping his 
 knife into the joint of the wing which he 
 took off and laid upon the Father Mailer's 
 plate, and after helping himfelf to the heft 
 part of the breaft moved the dim to Friar 
 Bias with whom he did not ftand upon 
 ceremony. 
 
 To each draught from the flagon he de- 
 dicated a diftich of the many which he had 
 laid in for fuch occafions; though they 
 fpoke of the moft famous wines of Europe 
 
 in
 
 5 io The HI STOP. Y of 
 
 in ancient time, and that which he drank 
 was a little, wretched, four fluff of the 
 country*, but honoured by him at his firft 
 draught with this impertinence, 
 
 Hac de vitifera venijje picata Viena 
 Ne dubiteSy mifit Romulus tpfe nribi. 
 
 At the fecond, 
 
 Hoc de Cafareh mihi vindemia cellh 
 Mifit lulao qua fibi monte placet. 
 
 And at the third> 
 
 Hac Fundana tullt f#lix aniumnus opimi, 
 Exprtjfit mulfum Confuly &f tpfe bibit. 
 
 In fhort no draught pafled without a Latin 
 dedication ; and it appears from authentic 
 papers that in that one fupper only he 
 drank twenty times, and all without any 
 prejudice to his head, which was well fea- 
 foned, and flagon-proof, from his -having 
 been brought up at Campazas with the bed 
 milk of the Defcrt and of Campos. 
 
 The good Predicador was aftonifhed at 
 feeing fuch a copious dream of Latin 
 
 * Vino de la Tierra ; in the fame fenfe as the French 
 and Italian, Vin du pais, and, Vino del paefe y meaning 
 a poor imall wine. 
 
 poured
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 
 
 poured forth by his beloved friend, and 
 though he was unconfcious of its meaning, 
 yet he delighted, even to driveling, at the 
 luftre with which in his opinion, his 
 favourite (hone forth, protecting that not- 
 \vithftanding he had formed an high idea 
 of his genius, he could never have believed 
 it arofe to fuch a pitch, not having before 
 afiifted with him at fuch a function. He 
 wondered how the deuce he could carry in 
 his head fuch a multitude of verfes, and 
 what above all furprifed him, was, the 
 fuitablenefs with which he applied them. 
 Gerund indeed never waited for a fitter op- 
 portunity of lugging -in his lumber than 
 that of hearing or feeing fomething of 
 which mention might be made, directly or 
 indirectly, in the verfes he had heaped up 
 in that afmine memory of his, ufing pro- 
 fane learning merely from the afibnance, 
 juft exadly as he had ufed facred learning 
 in the fweet and pleafant falutation preached 
 by him in the refedory. But as honeft 
 Friar Bias had no idea of any other pro- 
 priety in the ufe and application of his 
 texts, he was no diftinguimer of colours, 
 and what founded to him founded to him, 
 (to ufe his own expreffion) confirming him-- 
 felf in the opinion that the Order had not 
 
 thefe
 
 512 The HIST OR Y of 
 
 thefe two ages acquired fo bright an orna- 
 ment as this youth. 
 
 His admiration encreafed, when, on the 
 hafhed hare being fet upon the table, he 
 heard Gerund break forth with this decifive 
 ientence, 
 
 Inter aves Tur^us, fi quid, me judice, certet ; 
 Inter quadrupedes, gloria prlma Lepus. 
 
 The Predicador could form but a random 
 guefs at the meaning, though his heart 
 fuggefted more or lefs what might be the 
 thought, when he obferved that no fooner 
 had Gerund fpoke but he emptied nearly 
 half the dim upon his plate. But the Fa- 
 ther Mailer faid in his ufual good-natured 
 way, " Why, man that opinion of thine, 
 that amongft the birds there is no choicer 
 morfel than the Thrufh and amongft the 
 b^afts than the Hare, proves that thou 
 haft as much tafte in thy palate as thy un- 
 derftanding, and that thou wouldeft give 
 as good a judgment about a dinner as a 
 fermon. I have always heard that the 
 Thrum was but an extraordinary * of 
 Friars, and the Hare a common dim with 
 
 * Extraordinary, here means only, beyond the ordi- 
 nary allowance of the convent. 
 
 the
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 
 
 the fraternities." < And who has told your 
 Paternity (replied Gerund) that the frater- 
 nities have not excellent dimes, and Friars 
 very delicate extraordinaries ?" " Subftan- 
 tial, I grant, (faid Prudentio) but not de- 
 licate." 
 
 Now came, by way of defert, the cheefe 
 and a plate of olives, when Friar Bias 
 thought that without doubt Gerund muft 
 have emptied his budget, for what Poet 
 could have treated on fuch things as olives 
 and cheefe ? But he was pleafmgly unde- 
 ceived when he faw him take the cheefe in 
 one hand and a knife to cut it in the other, 
 and repeat in an authoritative tone the fol- 
 lowing pair of diftichs ; 
 
 Cafcus, Etrufca fignatus imagine lun a , 
 Prajlabit putrii prandia mills tlbl. 
 
 To which he directly gave this tranflation> 
 which he had fomewhere read, 
 
 . Cheefe, marked with crefent of the Tufcan Qiield, 
 A thoufand dinners to your boys fhall yield. 
 
 " And it would be all one I fuppofe, 
 (faid Prudentio fmilling) if it be marked 
 with the crefcent of Valencia, fince I fee 
 not, whether for a cheefe or a cheefecake, 
 
 VOL. I. LI that
 
 The HISTORY of 
 
 that there be more grace in one crefcent 
 than another. But what ! Haft thou no- 
 thing to fay to the olives ?" " I am corn- 
 ing to that, Father Mafter," replied Ge- 
 rund, and, taking half of them, faid, 
 
 " -Hoc, qua, picenis ijen'it fubdufla trapetisy 
 Inchaat, atqus eadem finit oliva dopes* 
 
 Which has been conftrued thus, 
 
 Olives, from danger of the pjefs releas'd, 
 Grateful begin and grateful end the feafh 
 
 " Why, thou art tipfy, furely, (faid Friar 
 Bias, laughingly) when did olives begin the 
 feaft?" " When! (anfwered Gerund) why 
 when people began to eat where they now 
 leave off, and when lettuces were ferved for 
 a defert, juxfa illud, 
 
 Claudere quts cenam laftuca folebat avorum y &c 
 
 Who is tipfy now ? Don't you remember 
 what you faid yourfelf at our fitting down 
 to fupper, that we begin where our fore- 
 fathers left off?'* 
 
 The Father Mafter was well enough 
 pleafed with this retort, and ftill more con- 
 firmed in his old opinion, that Friar Ge- 
 rund did not want parts, but that the culti- 
 vation
 
 FRIAR GERUND. .515 
 
 vation and application of them had been 
 wanting, particularly to criticifm and good 
 tafte. The cloth was now prefently taken 
 away, when Prudentio got again upon his 
 favourite topic of the Cenfors, on which 
 he declaimed fo long as to lay Friar Gerund 
 afleep as found as a top, and make the Pre- 
 dicador yawn and gape fearfully, and his 
 eyes draw ftraws. He found it therefore 
 high time to conclude, and, waking Ge- 
 rund, not without much difficulty, they all 
 went to bed; the Predicador taking leave 
 over-night, as he intended to be up very 
 early in the morning to go to Jacarilla with 
 Uncle Baftian, his Majordomo, who, it 
 was to be fuppofed, would by that time be 
 recovered from his intemperance and the 
 accident it had caufed. 
 
 CHAP. V. 
 
 Friar Gerund hanfels the office of Sabatine* 
 preacher with a difctplmant exhortation* 
 
 SCAR CE had the next day dawned when 
 a lad from the Convent arrived with a 
 letter to Friar Gerund, in which he was 
 commanded by the Superior to return as 
 foon as poffible, as he gave him to under- 
 L 1 2
 
 516 The HISTORY of 
 
 fland that the town [where the Convent 
 flood] had appointed a Proceflion of Roga- 
 tion for Rain, then greatly wanted, in 
 which the Difciplinants, or Fraternity of 
 the Crofs, had determined to go forth, and 
 that he muft prepare himfelf to preach the 
 Exhortation. Very greatly did our Saba- 
 tine preacher rejoice at this information, as 
 he was burfting with impatience to {hew 
 himfelf in public, and thought the days 
 ages till an opportunity arrived. But, un- 
 fortunately, about half an hour before the 
 meffenger came, his great friend the Pre- 
 dicador Mayor had fet out for Jacarilla, 
 which he did not .a little lament, as his 
 friend would have given him fome idea, or 
 fome rules, peculiar to his good tafte, for 
 the ordering that kind of function, on which 
 they had never yet exprefsly treated ; and 
 as this was his firft appearance it was of 
 great confcquence that he mould come off 
 with the moft flying colours. Now he 
 thought of confulting on the point with 
 Father Prudentio ; but then he faid within 
 himfelf, " This old fellow will give me no- 
 thing but his ufual cant j he will advife me, 
 I know, to talk to the brethren, like any 
 milTionary, with zeal, and fervour, and the 
 reft of it -, that I mould tell them, how 
 6 public
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 517 
 public calamities are always the punimment 
 of public and private crimes ; that I mould 
 confirm it by examples of facred and profane 
 hiftory, of which he would count me a whole 
 budget-full, for the old one knows more 
 than Merlin : that afterwards I mutt fall 
 naturally upon the neceffity of appeafmg 
 the divine difpleafure by the means of pe- 
 nitence, fince there is no other; and in 
 Ihort, that I mould drive it into them, that 
 of thefe means alone did Jefus Chrift avail , 
 himfelf, (hedding his blood for our fins to 
 fatisfy his eternal Father and appeafe his 
 juft indignation againft the whole human 
 race j and that upon coming to this I mould 
 exert all my powers in perfuading them to 
 rend, fir ft, their hearts, and afterwards their 
 moulders, not in the fpirit of vanity, but 
 in the fpirit of compun&ion. This is the 
 thread the Father Matter would fpin, I 
 know as well as if I heard him ; and would 
 endeavour to make me believe that of fuch 
 things, and no other, ought all difcourfes 
 of this kind to confift ; but to another 
 dog with this bone. To be fure I mould 
 cut a fine figure in my firft fundion and 
 appearance in public to preach like a worm- 
 eaten woe-begone mortal, and fay things 
 which any old woman might fay. I will 
 LI * be
 
 518 The HISTORY of 
 
 be far enough from a(king a word of his 
 advice, and will compofe my exhortation 
 as God {hall give me to fee right without 
 the affiftance of neighbours." 
 
 In this refolution he went into the Father 
 Matter's room, who was flill in bed, as the 
 long-talking about the Cenfors had given 
 him the head-ach, and made him pafs but 
 an indifferent night. He informed him of 
 the letter from the Superior, who had fent 
 a mule for him by the meflenger, and afk- 
 ed him if he had any commands to the 
 Convent. This incident was far from be- 
 ing agreeable to Prudentio, becaufe he had 
 taken it for granted that if he could not 
 totally eradicate his folly he mould have 
 confiderably lefTcned it in his walks and 
 converfations with him at the Grange j but 
 as there was no remedy he was fain to con- 
 form, and only charged him in general 
 terms to preach with judgment and piety as 
 the fubjecl required, faying that if it pleafed 
 God he intended to hear him. " It is very 
 well, our Father (replied Friar Gerund very 
 confidently) let your Paternity keep yourfelf 
 eafy on that head ; I doubt not but that I 
 fhall this time acquit myfelf much to your 
 fatisfa&ion." And with this he took his 
 leave. 
 
 An
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 519 
 
 An ancient legend of the Order fays, 
 that in all the way from the Grange 
 to the Convent; which was not lefs than 
 four long leagues, our Friar Gerund went 
 fo penfive and fo wrapped up in himfelf 
 that he did not fpeak, not even a fingle 
 word, to the lad who ran before the mule ; 
 and what caufed greater admiration to all 
 who knew him, was, that he did not only 
 not flop to take a draught at the inn which 
 was an half-way houfe, but that he did not 
 even fo much as look at it, or know when he 
 pafled it. This was occafioned, as he after- 
 wards confeffed himfelf, by his being totally 
 abforbed in making mental notes and ex- 
 cogitating matter of which to compofe an 
 exhortation of the true rhumb, that mould 
 ftrike a great ftroke, and at once eftablifli 
 his fame. 
 
 Immediately crowded upon his imagina- 
 tion the confufed ideas of Sterility, Roga- 
 tion, Fraternity, Crofs, Penitents, Pclotil- 
 la *, Scourge, Blood, Penitents of Light, 
 &c. ; and all his care was how he mould 
 find in Mythology any thing which might 
 
 * The pelotilla is the ball of wax, &c. ufed by fome 
 of the Difciplinants, as the reader has feen in the third 
 chapter of the firft book ; others perform the fun&ion 
 with a fcourge of fmall cords ; and fometimes with both, 
 tifing the pelotilla firft and the cords afterwards. 
 
 L 1 4 have
 
 520 The HISTORY of 
 
 have allufion to thefe ideas; for as to the 
 difpofition and the flyle, the devil a care did 
 it give him, fince by following the fame he 
 had ufed in the fermon of St. Ann, and by 
 endeavouring to imitate that of the inimit- 
 able Florilegium, he was fecure of the 
 applaufe of his audience, which was the 
 only object he had in view. 
 
 For the article of flerility, the Silver and 
 the Iron ages readily prefented themfelves ; 
 for till the firft of thcfe men were a kind 
 of little Angels, and the earth produced 
 fpontaneoufly all forts of fruits, not only 
 for fuftenance but delight, without the 
 neceffity of cultivation, of which they were 
 intirely ignorant j but as in the filver age 
 they began to be fomewhat roguifh, the 
 earth likewife began to be niggardly of her 
 fruits, and refolved that henceforwards they 
 fhould have none but what they bought by 
 labour. But here was the difficulty, that 
 the poor men, accuftomed to abundance 
 and eafe, did not know how to cultivate it, 
 till Saturn taking their cafe into his -com- 
 paffionate confederation, came down from 
 Heaven, and taught them the ufe of the 
 fpade and the plough, in order that upon 
 paying down their fweat and labour, the 
 earth (hould furnifh then} with food. But 
 
 then
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 521 
 
 then it occurred to him that this was not 
 much to the purpofe, becaufe the queftion 
 here was not concerning fterility from want 
 of Cultivation, but from want of Rain, and 
 for this it was as necefTary to have a fable 
 as to have bread to eat. 
 
 In that inftant however he happily 
 thought of the Iron age, in which the 
 earth would abfolutely produce nothing, 
 whether cultivated or not ; and the reafon 
 was becaufe the Gods abfolutely denied 
 rain in punimment of the wickednefs of 
 men, who were become very rafcally and 
 thought of nothing but cheating one an- 
 other continually, as is obferved by the rnofl 
 learned Conde Natal [Natalis Comes.] 
 Great was his joy when he found him- 
 felf, he did not know how, with fo fuit- 
 able an introduction ; and noting it in 
 the unbound book of his memory, he went 
 on to revolve in his imagination fome mat- 
 ters of Mythology which might be applied 
 to the affair of Rogation. 
 
 After a little digging came opportunely 
 the famous cafe of Bacchus, when finding, 
 himfdlf in the deferts of Arabia, where he 
 was travelling upon fome bufinefs of con- 
 fequence, and dying with third:, from not 
 meeting with a drop of water in -thofe 
 
 fandy
 
 522 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 fandy waftes, he got together the fhepherds 
 of the neighbourhood, and forming with 
 them a devout proceflion of Rogation in 
 honour of the God Jupiter, he offered to 
 build him a temple if he would fuccour him 
 in that diftrefs ; and immediately Jupiter 
 appeared in the form of a ftout, well-ap- 
 pointed, fuperbly-horned Ram, who, fcrap- 
 ing with his foot in a certain part, fprung 
 a copious fountain of fweet water ; and the 
 happy, grateful Bacchus fulfilled' 'his vow, 
 building to the Gbd*R!ffiW$H8 temple 
 with the title of Juj^ifSftififflE, He 
 congratulated himfelf Sftn&P 11 upon this 
 lucky hit, efpecially when he knew after- 
 wards that the Majordomo of the frater- 
 nity of the Crofs that year was called Paf- 
 quel Carnero [Ram,] and he propofed in 
 his mind to make him Jupiter Ammon, 
 with which he thought he had found a trea- 
 fure for the principal circumftance in the 
 fubjedl, and held it beyond a doubt that 
 from that time there would be no frater- 
 nity fermon which he mould not be moft 
 folicitoufly urged to preach. 
 
 He was confirmed in this good opinion 
 of himfelf and his great fufficiency, when, 
 in order to touch upon the fraternity itfelf, 
 compofed for the moft part of hufband- 
 
 men,
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 523 
 
 men, he thought of the Ambarvalia, or 
 facrifices in honour of the goddefs Ceres, 
 Tutelary of the fields and harvefts, over 
 which facrifices prefided a kind of frater- 
 nity, compofed of a dozen brethren who 
 were called Fratres Arvales, that is, Bre- 
 thren of the Field, deriving their name from 
 Arvus Arvi, which has that fignification ; 
 for though it is true that thefe were no 
 more than twelve, and the brethren of the 
 Crofs were above an hundred, this appear- 
 ed to him a trifling matter ; fince if the 
 number Seven in Holy Scripture fignifies a 
 multitude, much more may be fignified in 
 Mythology by the number Twelve. 
 
 Where he found himfelf a little gravell- 
 ed, was, to find fome piece of erudition of 
 good tafte which might allude to fraternity 
 of the Crofs, and after having puzzled his 
 brains for fome time without getting any 
 thing to pleafe him, his good fortune 
 brought him an admirable thought, which 
 at the fame time was mofl bonnily adopted 
 to the aggravating circumftance of the Crofs 
 and to that of The Penitents of Blood, 
 which had not given him lefs anxiety than 
 the other. He recollected to have read in 
 an extraordinary book called, An Idea of a 
 new General Hijlory of North America, how 
 
 the
 
 524 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 the Indians, in honour of the God Izco- 
 cauhqui, who was the God of Fire, went to 
 the mountains for a great tree, which they 
 conducted with attendant multitudes, mu- 
 lic, and great apparatus to the court of 
 the temple; there they barked it with ex- 
 traordinary ceremonies; afterwards they 
 raifed it in the fight of all the people, that 
 they might fee it had the due height pre- 
 fcribed by law ; then they lowered it and 
 every one adorned it with certain papers 
 crimfoned with their own blood ; having 
 done which, they raifed it again with great 
 attention, devotion, and reverence : then 
 the mafters took their (laves upon their 
 fhoulders and danced with them round a 
 large bonfire, lighted near the tree, and, 
 when the poor flaves thought leaft of it, 
 flung them headlong into the flames and 
 burnt them to afhes. 
 
 It is not to be conceived how much the 
 blefled Friar Gerund rejoiced and gloried 
 in this mofl fuperlatively happy hit, for in 
 that alone he found all that was neceflary 
 for what remained. Here was a tree 
 brought from the mountain with much 
 ceremony, and raifed with great devotion, 
 in the court of the Temple. What fymbol 
 can be more proper for the Tree of the 
 
 Crofs ?
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 525 
 
 Crofs ? It's being barked afterwards deftroys 
 nothing of its propriety. Here are papers 
 dyed in the blood of the brethren, who 
 raife the tree ; could a thing be painted 
 more exa&ly to fuit the penitents of blood ? 
 Since, whether thefe dye Paper or Skirts 
 with their blood is a mere quibble upon a 
 word, efpecially as it is well known that 
 thefe very fldrts, being linen, will one 
 day become paper. Here are Matters who 
 dance round the tree and the bonfire with 
 their Haves upon their moulders, whom 
 they afterwards throw into the flames, and 
 then (land laughing at them ; a very natural 
 image of the Penitents of Light, who are 
 as it were, the Mailers of the Fraternity, 
 and only incite the Penitents of Blood to 
 burn themfelves with the firebrand of the 
 fcourge, or the live-coal of the pelotilla. 
 
 A thoufand congratulations did he give 
 himfelf upon this provilion of materials, 
 the moft exquifite and mofl fuitable to the 
 fubject that (acccording to his way of 
 thinking) could have been brought toge- 
 ther : and now did he wilh heartily that 
 the exhortation were to be preached the 
 very next day, that he might make himfelf 
 known as foon as poffible -, fmce having 
 once laid in the materials, he thought he 
 
 could
 
 526 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 could difpofe them in a couple of hours, 
 efpeclally as the whole was to be con- 
 fined within very narrow limits, fuch being 
 the cuftom he had obferved upon thefe 
 occafions, when he had himfelf been pre- 
 fent, the preacher beginning only juft as 
 the proceffion is forming ; and as to the 
 getting it by heart, that gave him little 
 concern, for his memory was really happy, 
 and, as they fay, affinine, fignifying that 
 it was as ftrong as an afs, and with as little 
 grace or judgment. 
 
 But yet, on further reflecting upon all 
 the circumftances of this laft piece of my- 
 thological erudition, he could not reft per- 
 fectly fatisfied, as it feemed to him that 
 the application of the paper dipped in 
 blood to the penitents of the fraternity was 
 rather violent ; and though he thought that 
 it might pafs in a cafe of neceffity, or 
 forced-put, or at a village where there 
 might not be any other critics or cenfors 
 than the Barber and the Notary ; yet he 
 was very defirous of rinding fomething more 
 ftridVJy appofite to penitents of blood, the 
 better to infure his mining, and to avoid 
 the hypercritical remarks of fcrupulous 
 gentry, of which there were fome in the 
 convent, and likewife in the town, which, 
 
 as
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 527 
 
 as we have before obferved, was tolerably 
 well inhabited, being neither fuch a defert 
 as Quintanillia del Monte, nor fo populous 
 as Cadiz or Seville. 
 
 In this anxiety he was drawing near 
 home, as penfive as you pleafe, and not a 
 little vexed with himfelf, when on a fud- 
 den he gave a great fhout, accompanied 
 by a fmart flap with the palm of his hand 
 on the pummel of the faddle, and broke 
 out with, " Was there ever fuch a block- 
 head as I ! In this fame admirable book, 
 T/je Idea of a new General HJftory of North 
 America, a few pages after what is related 
 of the tree of the bloody papers in honour 
 of the God Izcocauhqui, I remember to 
 have read two things, which I immediately 
 took notes of againft fuch an occafion, and 
 they are fo born as it were for it that if I 
 myfelf had feigned them, they could not 
 have fitted more to an hair. They arc 
 both in the tenth fe&ion, which treats on 
 the fymbols of the Indian months, accord- 
 ing to Gemelli Carreri; and the firft of 
 them fays thus, for I am fure of it as if I 
 had the book in my hand. 
 
 " Tozoztli, the fymbol of the fecond 
 month, means, A bleeding or pricking of the 
 veins ; forafmuch, as on the fecond day of 
 
 this 
 g
 
 528 The HISTORY of 
 
 this month, the Indians, either with the 
 points of the Maguey *, or their razors of 
 flint, drew blood in token of repentance, 
 from their thighs, fhins, ears, and arms, 
 and fafted at the fame time. Their peni- 
 tential feftival was dedicated to the God 
 llaloc, the God of Rain." And farther on : 
 " They who had the office of making 
 Xucbiles, or nofegays, at particular times 
 of the year, called Xocbimanque, kept a 
 feftival in their third age-f- to the Goddefs 
 Ckfoahicue, which is as much as to fay, 
 the Petticoats of Women or by another name, 
 Coat hit ona, the Goddefs of Twins" 
 
 " The fecond is as fpllows, without 
 wanting a tittle. 
 
 *' Huetozoztli, the fuperlative of Tozoztli, 
 and fymbol of the third month, means, A 
 great pricking or bleeding ; becaufe on the 
 
 * An American tree, the leaves of which end in a 
 iharp ftrong point, ferving either for a pin or needle ; 
 from the fibres of the leaf is made thread. This extra- 
 ordinary tree, according to Father Jofeph de AconVs 
 account, Nat, Hift. India, yields befides water, wine, 
 oil, vinegar, honey, and many other things. The fap, 
 plentifully ifluing from an aperture in the trunk, is fweet 
 and cooling, and drank as water; letting it four, it is 
 vinegar ; half- boiled, it is muft; full-boiled, wine ; and 
 boiled to aeon fiftence, honey. 
 
 f The Spaniards divide the life of man into feven 
 ages : childhood, boyhood, adolefcence, youth, virility, 
 old-age, and decrepitude, 
 
 delay
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 529 
 
 delay of the rain, which was generally- 
 wont to begin about this time, correfpond- 
 ing to our April, their penitence was 
 heightened, blood drawn more copioufly, 
 the facrifices greater, and the fads more 
 fevere. The feftival was made in honour 
 of the God Citcdt, the God of Maize, or 
 Indian corn, 6cc. Thefe two jewels did 
 I fairly fet in my note-book, and thence 
 transfer to my memory, and yet was I 
 racking my brains for others to adapt to 
 the principal circumftances of the fubjedt ! 
 But where are more exquifite to be found! 
 Where, more new f Where more exadlly 
 cut out for the purpofe ! Here I have fteri- 
 lity of the earth from want of water ; here 
 I have ffaloc, the God of Rain ; here I have 
 a proceflion of penitents of blood, and even 
 in the month of Hueytozoztli, which is the 
 very month of April, in which we now 
 are, and in which our procetfion is to be 
 made ; here I have Xuchlles and Xochlman- 
 que, that is, thofe who make ramllletes or 
 ramales, for there is no great difference * ; 
 
 * No great difference in the found. Friar Gerund 
 means, between the two words, Ramillete^ and Ramaks^ ; 
 but the former fignifies the nofegays made by the Xochi- 
 manquc, and the latter, the cords or fcourges ufed by 
 the difciplinants. 
 
 VOL, I. M m
 
 53 o The HISTORY of 
 
 here I have Coatlatona, or the petticoats of 
 women, things exactly like which the Pe- 
 nitents muft necefiarily wear ; and in fhort, 
 here I have an India, and now would I not 
 change myfelf for forty Friar Blafles, nor 
 for as many authors of Florilegiums as both 
 the Eftremaduras -j- could produce. But, 
 hold ! this muft not prevent my ever vene- 
 rating both, as my matters, as my models, 
 as my great originals in the faculty I 
 profefs." 
 
 Tranfported with thefe thoughts, and 
 almoft mad with joy, our little Friar ar- 
 rived at the Convent- gate, difmounted, 
 prefentcd himfelf before the Superior, re- 
 ceived his Benedicite, made his bow, re- 
 tired to his cell, untucked and put himfelf 
 in order, took a good pull at a flafk of 
 wine, and without delay let his hands to 
 their tafk, labouring his exhortation fo 
 flrenuoufly that he finished it before he 
 flept; and on the day of the procefiion, 
 which was attended by much people from 
 all the neighbourhood round about, by 
 
 . f Playing on the word Florilegium -, the province of t 
 Eflrcmadurn is accounted the moft rich and fruitful in 
 Spain, and confequently moft abounding in flowers. 
 The other Eflremadura is in Portugal ; both culled by 
 this name- from having extreme borders towards the 
 Moors. 
 
 Anthony
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 531 
 
 Anthony Zotes and his wife, and likewifc 
 by the Father Matter Prudentio, who re- 
 turned from the Grange the night before, 
 he delivered with graceful confidence the 
 following piece of admirable oratory, faith- 
 fully copied from the original. 
 
 " To the auriferous age of innocence ; 
 lavabo Inter innocent es manus me as : in unin- 
 terrupted track fucceeded the argent feafon 
 of defective floth ; argent urn & aurum nul- 
 lius concupiri. Yet the peccability of mor- 
 tals arrived not to degree lethalic, but ap- 
 propinquated to be nigrefcent maculation 
 on their priftine niveous candour ; pocula 
 tartareo baud aderant nigrejaffa veneno. The 
 aftonifhed Gods, ego dixi dii e/h's t deter- 
 mined to obftrudl the violation of eftablifhed 
 order by admonitory grace admirably here, 
 fays the author of the Symbolic World, ante 
 diem cave and paralogized correction in 
 preludes of caftigation j corripe enm inter 
 fe & ipfumfolum. 
 
 (< The mother Cybele the learned know 
 that in the fabulous Ethnic Lexicon this 
 difcriminative appellation is on the earth 
 impoied, T^erra autem erat inanis & vacua 
 the mother Cybele Cybeleia mater, as the 
 Probofcis-Poet elegantly fings the mother 
 Cybele, who till then fpontaneated her 
 M m 2 produc-
 
 532 The HISTORY of 
 
 produ&ions, now refolved upon negation*, 
 unlefs they were reciprocated for by the 
 toilfome labour of the humid colonift ; in 
 columna nubls. But, Oh! Heavens! how 
 was the calamitous agricolift to elaborate 
 -without the inftrumental caufe for cultiva- 
 tion, and if altogether ignorant of the ma- 
 terial caufe of the efficient for the inflru- 
 ment? HZucecumque ignorant blafphemant,c[uo- 
 modofat iftud? Commiferating Saturnus def- 
 cended from Olympus' height, defcendit de 
 calls, and taught man the manuduclion of 
 the refcindent fpade, and the dividing 
 plough, terra fndetur aratro. Has your 
 comprehenfion grafped it, Mortal Hearers? 
 Then have I fully proved that punifhment 
 is produced by fin : Et peccatum meum contra 
 meejl feniper. But we are yet in aberration 
 from the point. 
 
 *' To the argent feafon fucceeded the 
 fecle hight ferruginous; Stfcuhim perignem-, 
 and though that favv inllruments for culti- 
 vation, and men poflefied of fcientrific ' 
 compreheniion of their ufe, poffcdit me in 
 initiQ ^iarum fuarum, the obftrucled Cybe- 
 leian mother correfponded with (terility to 
 the toils of the agricolift j ef pater metis 
 agricola ejl. Here the objective interroga- 
 tion : if the adunque iron retorted on her 
 
 with
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 
 
 with its furrows, if the (harpened (hare 
 called loudly by its ftrokes, why did me 
 not liften and her covenant keep ? Why 
 did not the Earth protend her verdurous 
 offerings ? How opportune does Lyra an- 
 fwer ! becaufe the ftony Heavens denied 
 the pluvial drops non pluit menfes feptem. 
 But what motive could induce that ftar- 
 ftudded canopy to fuch durity fevere ? Car- 
 tarius appofitely fays, becaufe fins were 
 multiplied by the fcelerat fons of men ^Et 
 delicitc mea ejfe cumfiliis hommum. But now 
 what remedy apply? Hear the fapient 
 JVJythologift. 
 
 " Let the mighty Bacchus flide down from 
 the celeftial vaulted roofs ; let him teach 
 the mortal to compunctify and implore the 
 clemency of the Thunderer with penitent 
 rogation? Te r ogam us; audi nos : Let him 
 offer wormip and facrifices on future altars, 
 and Jupiter Ammon will himfelf defcend, 
 who is the fame as Ram, and with a fole 
 ftroke of his foot, or under his foot-fole, 
 fhall-fpout the Iiqui4 to fttisfy the thirfly 
 foul, and fertilize campaigns Defcendit 
 Jefus in loco cawpeftri, The learned need 
 not application's lore; but the lefs wife 
 may ftand in need thereof. Have not, 
 then, the clouds for feven long months 
 M rn 3 denied
 
 534 The HISTORY of 
 
 denied their falutiferous dropping fweats ? 
 Have not the fymptoms of a flony earth from 
 this negation fprung ? Let therefore a de- 
 vout rogation be enadted ; let the brethren 
 of the Crofs of Penitents go forth ; let pre- 
 iide their worthy Majordomo Jupiter Am- 
 mon, Pafqual Ram, from underneath the 
 feet of whom, de fub cujus pede, fhall ftart 
 the copious fount, fecundifying fields, 
 
 Horrida per campos bam lim bcmbarda fonabant. 
 
 Furthermore ; in the facred lines is cele- 
 brated much the Pafqual Lamb Agnus 
 Pafchalls: the judicious know that of 
 Lambs are formed Rams ; therefore our 
 illuftrious Majordomo Pafqual Ram muft 
 in feafon infantine have been a Pafqual 
 Lamb. The illation is innegable. But 
 all has not yet been faid. 
 
 " To the frugiferous Ceres, tutelary god- 
 defs of the fields and harvefts were of- 
 fered thofe facrifkes, Ambarval called, 
 and fjlemn procemons went round the 
 fields, Ambarvales hoftice. And who were 
 thofe of whom thefe procefllons were prin- 
 cipally formed ? Certain brethren devout, 
 ycleped Arvales, Arvales fratres j who, as 
 the bell interpreters opine, were all Agri- 
 I colifts.
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 
 
 colifts. This is not the offspring of my 
 head inventive j 'tis aflerted by Cato mod 
 profound, Ambarvalia cehbrabant Amahs 
 fratres, clrcumeunter campos, 6f litabant 
 Ambarvales Hojlias. To whom did they 
 immolate ? It is already faid ; to the god- 
 defs Ceres, which is derived from Cera 
 [Wax] to denote alfo the penitents of 
 Light. Vos ejlis Lux mundi. 
 
 " But left the impertinent or fcrupulous 
 critic mould complain that the Penitents of 
 Blood alfo are not duly honoured with our 
 notice, come with me, and yon mall fee, 
 that this fanguinary fan&imony of the bre- 
 thren is not the invention of modern times, 
 as fome ignorants would perfuade, but the 
 practice of moil antique fraternity, in all 
 ages and all climes received. Come ! Up ! 
 Give to America feptentrional a leap. 
 
 " There will you fee the God Tlaloc, fu- 
 perintendant of the Rains, denying pro- 
 cacioufly what he wimes to confer, and 
 not induced to let them fall in the month 
 of Togoztli, which is the month of iMarch. 
 There you will fee, to move him to foft 
 pity, how the Indians, armed with Maguey* 
 or fharpened flint, blood from their bodies 
 every part will draw in copious ftreams. 
 There you will fee the ftill incenfed Tlaloc 
 M m 4 perfc-
 
 536 The HISTORY of 
 
 perfevering in his angry frown in the month 
 of Hueytozoztli, which to April corref- 
 ponds, the month of prefent date, ftiil 
 deny the rain for the reigning fins of men, 
 who, repentant, augment feverity, and draw 
 till it ftreams along upon the ground their 
 life's warm blood with rigorous Xucbiks, 
 that is, by violence of fcourge, bathing in 
 it the gcddefs Cbivalticue, which the Deity 
 of Petticoats imports, and directing the 
 penite'nt proceflibn to the temple of Citcolf 
 the God of Maize* to the end that, inter- 
 ceding and uniting with the great Tlaloc, 
 he may fend the falutiferous drops to loofen 
 the bowels of the hard-bound earth for 
 the gracious deliverance of her fruits. 
 
 " Now, then, my brethren, at fight of 
 fuch examples, as efficacious as opportune, 
 what may we not expect to fee you do ? By 
 what are you detained ? Quid facts in pa- 
 terna domo delicate miles ? Why do you de- 
 lay to* ieize with courage ftout and holy 
 thofe candid Xuchihs, and, convocating 
 firft the purple humour to the carnofities 
 pofl-tergate, then draw it forth with the 
 cerated Maguey s, till, fopping in its paf- 
 fage the albicant Cbivalticues, it water li- 
 berally the hardened earth, Gutta fanguinis 
 Recurrent is in terrain ? Behold ! ye faithful, 
 
 our
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 537 
 
 pur divine Haloes incenfed ! Behold ! the 
 beneficent Citcolt in his rueful wrath takes 
 part! Run, run, to appeafe them! Fly, 
 fly, to deprecate their rage! Seize, agaii> 
 I fay, thofe Xuchlles ; take well the mear 
 fure of thofe Maguey*-, and let the red 
 liquor bubble from your fhoulders. Thus 
 will you appeafe the anger of the Gods ; 
 thus will you make atonement for your 
 fins ; thus will you obtain for your fields 
 epithalamiums of prolific rain Conjugls 
 in gremlum late defcendit, and for your own 
 fouls fovereign epicycles of fupreme grace, 
 the fecure pledge of future and eternal 
 glory, ^uam mihi & vobis, &c." 
 
 He had not well pronounced the Jaft 
 word, when the church refounded with 
 ihouts from under all the cowls as loud as 
 if they had pafTed through a fpeaking trum- 
 pet, or at leaft a funnel, which faid, Bravo 
 Father Friar Gerund ! Braviffimo Father 
 Friar Gerund ! And what is more, the Pe- 
 nitents were fo moved by the exhortation, 
 though not a foul of them underftood a 
 word of it, that, at the inftant, they threw 
 off their cloaks with the mod courageous 
 zeal, and began to apply their inftruments 
 of flagellation with fuch power, that before 
 jhey got out of the church there was blood 
 
 enough
 
 538 The HISTORY of 
 
 enough fpilled upon the pavement to have 
 inade black-puddings. The women who 
 were about the aunt Catania gave her a 
 thoufand embraces and a thoufand kifTes, 
 plentifully bedewing her face at the fame 
 time with the offerings of their eyes and 
 nofes out of pure tendernefs, and telling 
 her that (he was a thoufand times happy in 
 being the mother of fuch a fon. An old 
 prieft belonging to the church, who flood 
 by Anthony Zotes, and who, notwith- 
 ftanding his having b.een plucked three 
 times in the examination for the fub-diaco- 
 nate, once for the diaconate, and twice for 
 the priefthood, was yet, on account of his 
 age and his good life, a refpcclable man, 
 giving him a ftricl: embrace, faid to him, 
 " Signior Anthony, fifty and two Exhor- 
 tations to the Difciplinants have I heard 
 in this church fince I have been an un- 
 worthy priefl of it, as I have the honour to 
 be, but fuch an Exhortation as this, or any 
 thing comparable to it, I never did hear, nor 
 do I believe I ever fhall hear : God's bleff- 
 inggo with the little .Gerund, and may his 
 xnajefty not take my life till I fee him a Pre- 
 fentado ! 
 
 It is left to the pious and curious reader 
 to conceive how Uncle Anthony and Ma- 
 dam
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 539 
 
 dam Catania felt themfelves at being eye 
 and ear-witnefles of thefe praifes and ap- 
 plaufes of their fon : and a thing to be con^ 
 ceived likewife rather than related, is the 
 vanity and felf-fatisfa&ion which at that in- 
 ftant took poffeffion of the heart of Friar 
 Gerund, at hearing his own loud and re- 
 peated acclamations. But as the joys of 
 this life are of fhort duration, and as it 
 generally happens in the midft of our great- 
 eft triumphs that fome untowardly difafter 
 will admonim us, that we are ftill but mor- 
 tals, his ill fortune contrived that poor Friar 
 Gerund mould receive fuch a knock on the 
 pate, immediately upon his coming down 
 from the pulpit, in the very veftry of the 
 church, as to a pate of lefs tenacity might 
 have given a new turn. 
 
 It happened that there was at that time 
 in the town, upon a recruiting party, a 
 Captain of a marching Regiment, a fenfible, 
 well-read, free, open man, who, having 
 heard the Exhortation, and ftruggling one 
 while with his anger and another with his 
 laughter, determined at laft to entertain 
 himfelf a little in roafting the preacher; 
 and therefore coming into the veftry he ran 
 up to him directly, and, giving him in 
 mockery a tight fqueeze, faid with a foldier- 
 
 lik*
 
 540 The HISTORY of 
 
 like gaiety, " To fpeak ingenuoufly, my 
 dear little Father, tho' I have rambled much 
 about the world and was fond of hearing 
 the preachers in all places, yet in my life 
 did I never hear any thing like this, 
 never fo excellent a Shrove-tide * Exhorta- 
 tion, or proper prelude to a droll or mum^- 
 mery." Friar Gerund was ibmewhat out 
 of countenance at this ftrange compliment, 
 and as on the article of unembarraffment 
 and eafy familiarity he could by no means 
 meafure fwords with the noble Captain, he 
 afked him only, with fome difcompofure^ 
 .' Pray, Sir, what of droll or mummery 
 was there in the Exhortation ?" 
 
 1* O, to be fure, there is nothing the 
 matter with his eye, as they faid of the 
 poor man, when it was knocked out and he 
 had it it in his hand-f-. Why, could any 
 thing be more delicate than the choice 
 fables with which your Paternity was pleaf- 
 ed to favour us in order to pompunffify us ? 
 That of Saturn was worth a million ; that 
 $f Bacchus ought to befet in gold ; that of 
 
 * The three days before Lent, called CarneJiollendQS, 
 from their bidding adieu to meat for a feafon, is a time 
 f univerfal feftivity and merriment. 
 
 f A proverbial faying, ufed when any weighty charge, 
 Js afFe&ed to be made light of. 
 
 Jupiter
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 541 
 
 Jupiter Ammon and Pafqual Ram, with the 
 beautiful touch on the Pafqual Lamb* is 
 too precious to bear comparifon ; and in 
 fhort, all that pafTage of the American peni- 
 tents with their Xucbiles, Maguey s, and 
 Chivalticues ; the Gods in whofe honour 
 the penitence was performed with their 
 moles and marks ; the motive to it ', and 
 even to the correfpondence of the months 
 in which it was obferved, was altogether 
 a mod happy competition of divinities : and 
 your Paternity, tho' fo young, might be 
 commander in chief of the preachers 
 againft Melancholy, or even, without act- 
 ing yourfelf, fend out a detachment of 
 preachers, who, if they at all refemble 
 your Paternity, might attack her in her 
 very trenches, and not only diflodge her 
 from her camp, but drive her intirely out 
 of the world." And without faying more, 
 or giving time to Friar Gerund to reply, he 
 made him a low bow and turned upon his 
 heel. 
 
 CHAP.
 
 542 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 CHAP. VI. 
 
 In which isfeen the 'variety of human judg- 
 ments, and that there is no fatuity which 
 will not meet with favourers* 
 
 THUS did the rogue of a Captain take 
 leave of the good creature of a Ge- 
 rund, having thrown cold water upon the 
 complacency the holy man was experi- 
 encing in the applaufes and acclamations of 
 the church, and left him penfive, difcon- 
 folate, and forrowful. But as the griefs of 
 this life are not of long duration, any more 
 than its joys, as we juft now obfcrved, the 
 grief occafioned by the lively fatire of the 
 Signior Officer lafted but a little while ; for 
 no fooner had, Gerund got from the veftry 
 to his cell, but the whole mufquetry of the 
 Convent, that is, the mob of Collegiates, 
 Chorifters, Lay-brethren, and young folks, 
 poured like a torrent into it. And as of 
 all vulgars this vulgar is one of the mod 
 eafily amazed and itupified with nonfenfe 
 of any in the world, and for that reafon is 
 one of the moil prejudicial, it is not to be 
 told what a club-like blow they had been 
 ftruck by Gerund's Exhortation ; infomuch
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 
 
 that, being no diftingui fliers of colours, and 
 governed only by noife and the found of 
 words, he appeared to mofl of them a per- 
 fect miracle of genius. 
 
 Into his cell, then, they tumblecf, pell- 
 mell, with fuch a fhouting, uproar, and 
 madnefs of joy, that the very Convent 
 feemcd to be coming down ; and as they 
 had all been fellow-ftudents and were nearly 
 of the fame age, tho' he was now a prieft 
 and a preacher, they could not for their lives 
 preferve any refpeft towards him, but gave 
 the demon ftration of their honefl joy with 
 all the freedom of mod familiar plainnefs. 
 Some embraced him, fome huzzaed him, 
 fome fpoke to him on the right fide, fome 
 on the left, fome before, fome behind, fome 
 pulled him by the body of his habit, fome by 
 the fleeves, till they could have the pleafure 
 of feeing that he noticed them, and there 
 were not wanting others who raifed him 
 upon their moulders in the air, proclaim- 
 ing him the greateft preacher which the 
 Order or the world had ever feen. One, 
 who was fecond vicar of the choir, ex- 
 claimed in deep bafe, " Till now did I not 
 think that there had been upon earth an- 
 other Friar Bias ; but in troth he may learn 
 another trade ; for all he preaches, tho' 
 
 fo
 
 544 the HIS fO RY of 
 
 fo exquifite, fo full of conceits, and Co 
 is but dregs and drofs to what we have 
 heard from Friar Gerund." An old lay- 
 brother, a good-natured fimple foul, who 
 had been refectory-man above forty years, 
 whilft he flood looking him earneflly in the 
 face actually fhed tears out of pure joy and 
 tendernefs. The butler told him that all 
 the wine in the cellar was at his devotion, 
 as was but fitting for one who fo much ho- 
 noured the facred habit. The cook offered 
 him his ferviccs with great franknefs and 
 heartinefs; and even the fteward a fort of 
 gentry not wont to be very generous pre- 
 fented him immediately, in iioce, with a 
 couple of kegs of caveeched Sardinas*, with 
 a promife of two more of others when he 
 fhould have them, in token of the love he 
 had for him and the plcafure he had re- 
 ceived from him. 
 
 It is left to the pious and curious reader 
 to confider what muft have been the plea- 
 fure of Friar Gerund at hearing all thefe 
 acclamations, as he was by no means a man 
 infenfible to his own praifes, nor in the 
 leaft inclined to the opinion of that philo- 
 fophifed orator who fufpedted the applaufes 
 
 * A kind of pickled herrings. 
 
 cf
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 
 
 of the multitude to be an argument of his 
 being wrong. 
 
 But now behold, whilft the noify gentry 
 were in the midft of their uproar, and the 
 blefled Friar Gerund mod ingulphed in his 
 glories, in came the Superior, the Father 
 Mafter Prudentio, aqd all the reft of the 
 grave Fathers, to pay their compliments 
 and congratulations after the function, as is 
 the laudable cuftom in all communities. At 
 the inftant fubfided the tumult of the 
 youngfters, each of whom put himfelf in 
 order the bed he could, clapping his hands 
 under his fcapulary, and flicking himfelf 
 againft the wall with downcaft eyes and 
 reverent filence. The Superior contented 
 himfelf with faying that he mould repofe 
 after his fatigue, and without adding an- 
 other word prefently retired : of the reft 
 of the Fathers, fome only made a kind of 
 offer at an inclination of the head, fqueez- 
 ing with difficulty from between their teeth 
 a mumbling unintelligible compliment : 
 others gave it in audible words, but fo equi- 
 vocal that an evil-minded perfon might 
 have interpreted them with little benignity, 
 as, " 'Twas a great thing indeed, Friar 
 Gerund! In truth I never heard agreater, nor 
 do I ever expedt to hear any thing equal to 
 
 VOL. I. N n it,
 
 546 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 it, unlcfs it be from thee:" two or three 
 of them who were rather of a referved 
 turn, faid only, " God reward thee, Friar 
 Gerund, for thou haft laboured much " 
 and full furely was the good little friar 
 folaced thereby, thinking it was the fame 
 thing to labour much as to labour well. 
 
 All this while the Mailer Prudentio was 
 filent, looking at him from time to time 
 with a mixture of companion and ibverityj. 
 but as foon as the other fathers withdrew* 
 feeing the coflegiates were about to follow 
 them, he defired them to ftay, frying,, 
 that he had now an Exhortation to give 
 to the exhorting father, which might at 
 the fame time be not wholly unprofitable 
 to them. He then fat himfelf down in a 
 chair, made Friar Gerund fit in another, 
 and taming towards him, fpoke to him in. 
 this manner: 
 
 " Friar Gerund, haft thou loft thy 
 fenfes? Waft thou in them when thou- 
 compofedft fuch a ftring of abfurdities, and 
 when thou hadft the face to preach them? 
 Is this what thou offeredft at taking leave 
 of me at the Grange, frying that I might 
 make myfelf eafy, as thou- waft certain that 
 for this time thou mouldft acquit thyklf 
 to my approbation ? But what ! doft thou 
 think I can approve of the greateft texture 
 
 of 

 
 FRIAR GERUND. 
 
 of madnefs and abfurdity that ever I heard 
 in my life, unlefs it be exceeded or rivalled 
 by the crazy falutation of the fermon of St. 
 Ann ! And this too on a function in itfelf fo 
 ferious, fo tender, fo dolorous, in which 
 every thing ought to breathe penitence, 
 compunction, groans, and tears! Had we 
 committed no other fin, I could almoft 
 fay, than that of thy exhortation, that a-> 
 lone Would deferve that God mould chaf- 
 tife us with the dreadful fcourge of drought 
 and fterility We are fuffering. But I will 
 not venture to prounounce this, as I know 
 thou finneft not from wilfulnefs, but in- 
 nocence or ignorance. 
 
 " Why now, thou filly man, what haft 
 thou done by thy Exhortation but flun our 
 eafs with infipid, impertinent, and ridicu- 
 lous fables, verifying to the letter what the 
 apoftle fpoke prophetically of thee, and 
 other preachers like thee, who (hall flee 
 from the truth and convert all their atten- 
 tion to fables, the hearers likewife being 
 infected with this depraved tafte, A ven- 
 tate quidem (iiiditum aver tent, adfobulas au- 
 tcm convertentur. What power have thefe 
 to move us to perform penitence for our 
 crimes, and by this mean appeafe the feve- 
 rity of the divine juftice, foju% irritated 
 againft them ? 
 
 N n 2 " Would
 
 548 The HISTORY of 
 
 " Would there not be more efficacy in 
 the real examples in facred and ecclefiaf- 
 tical hiftory, both of them filled with in- 
 ftances of the dreadful temporal chaftife- 
 ments with which in all times God hath 
 vifited the fins of men, without laying a- 
 fide the fcourge till fatisfaction had been 
 made for them by grief, amendment and 
 repentance? Have the deluges, inundations, 
 wars, famines, plagues, fterility, earth- 
 quakes, volcanoes, and other aftonifhing 
 alterations in the courfe of nature, govern- 
 ed by the fupreme Author of it, fprung 
 from any other principle, or had any other 
 end? 
 
 " If thou hadft dedicated the time thou 
 haft miferably wafted in reading fictions, to 
 the perufal of the facred Bible, thou 
 wouldft in that have met with infallible 
 hiftories to ferve as a foundation to thy 
 Exhortation, without the ridiculous and even 
 facrilegious recourfe to fabulous inventions. 
 Sterility proceeding from the want of rain 
 and the fuperabundance of fin thou wouldft 
 have met with in Egypt in the time of Pha- 
 raoh and Jofeph. Sterility proceeding from 
 the fame caufe thou wouldft have met 
 with in Ifrael, at the time of the prophet 
 Elias. Sterility proceeding from the fame 
 caufe thou wouldft have met with in the 
 
 king-
 
 FRIAR GERUND. . 54 
 
 kingdom of Judah, in the times of the Jo- 
 rams; And if after facred,thouhadftcaft thy 
 eyes upon ecclefiaftical and profane hiftory, 
 thou wouldft fcarce have found a fingle 
 age without numerous examples of it, with 
 the addition that the chaftifement ceafed 
 not till the fins by which it was incurred 
 were ceafed or lefTened. To what end then 
 fhouldft thou have recourfe to dreams and 
 fables? How can a truth be folidly enforced 
 by means of a lie? Or what affinity is there 
 between the myfleries of Chrift, and the 
 cheats of Belial ? Qua convent ChriJH ad 
 Belial? 
 
 " But fuppofing that in fable were to be 
 found fome kind of refemblance, as in ma- 
 ny of them there really is, to our truths or 
 our myfleries, what force is added to the 
 one, or fplendour to the other, by this ri- 
 diculous refemblance? Nay I will go far- 
 ther, and fuppofe the fable to have the 
 greateft likened imaginable to fome of the 
 myfteries which we believe and adore, as 
 for example, the birth of Minerva, the 
 goddefs of wifdom, who was feigned to 
 have fprung from the brain of Jupiter, to 
 the generation of the Word, or eternal wif- 
 dom, which was engendered from all eter- 
 nity in the mind of the Mod High; and 
 what do we infer from this? That the 
 N n 3 truth
 
 550 The HISTORY of 
 
 truth becomes more credible or refpeclable 
 becaufe we meet with an obfcure fhadow of 
 it in that abfurd lie? 
 
 " But if the ufmg fables in the pulpit 
 by way of enforcing our truths is always an 
 infufferable thing, and in a certain degree 
 a kind of facrilege, it is more fo when they 
 are preached to the fimple and the vulgar. 
 A difcreet audience look upon the fable as 
 it deferves., and know it at the bottom to be 
 no better than a lie. There is no other in- 
 convenience, with refpecl: to them, than 
 the mixing the fabulous with the true, the 
 facred with the profane ; a mixture which 
 is indeed very monftruous; fmce even in 
 Poets and Painters, who have moft ample 
 licence, it has been pronounced by the 
 of fatiri-fls to be intolerable, 
 
 coeant hntnitia, %( 
 Scrpentcs avilnis ^emlnentur^ tigribus agnl. 
 
 " But when a fermon is preached before 
 a concourfe made up for the greateft part by 
 uncultivated ruflics, there is the higheft in- 
 convenience in their hearing fable for hif- 
 tory, fi&ion for reality, and lies for truth. 
 We may fee it in the will of that old wo- 
 man, who, having heard the minifler of 
 her parifh fpe.ak oftentimes in his fermons 
 of the God Apollo, left this legacy, " Item, 
 
 I
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 5 ji 
 
 " I leave my two hens and my cock to the 
 ' blefTed Saint Polio out of the great devo- 
 " tion I have had to him ever fince I heard 
 " him fo much preached about by our mi- 
 " nifter." Doft thou think it impoffible 
 that amongft fo many poor creatures as 
 compofe the Fraternity of the Crofs, to 
 whom thou preachedft, ibme of them, and 
 many of them, may not go away perfuaded 
 that Ceres, Jupiter Ammon, Bacchus, and 
 the reft of the trumpery mob thou taikedft 
 of are great Saints, and powerful advocates 
 in drawing down the bleffing of rain? 
 
 " Then what (hall I fay of thy folly m 
 that American mythology which thou 
 feemedft to look upon as the forte of thy Ex- 
 hortation, fo immerfed waft thou in it, and 
 fuch fati&factiou and vanity hadft thou in the 
 delivery of it ! I did not think that even thou 
 <:ouldft have been fo very abfurd; and pray 
 obferve, this is exprefling oire's felf as ftrong- 
 ly as pofiible. Who, in the name of 
 wonder, could furnifh thee with fuch in- 
 formation, or how hadft thou the ill-luck 
 to light upon it to make thyfelf moft ri- 
 diculous! Certainly thou haft a fmgular 
 talent at ftriking in wkh the worft of what- 
 ever is to be found in books, and as fingu- 
 iar a grace in availing thyfelf of it. But 
 the truth is, thou waft for making an of- 
 N n 4 ten-
 
 552 The HISTORY o 
 
 tentation of thy memory and happy pro- 
 nunciation, delighted with thofe flovenly, 
 exotic, barbarous names of 'T'laloc, f l > ozoztli 9 
 Hueytozoztli, Xuchilles, Citeolt, and Cbival- 
 ticue, thinking that this was a great thing, 
 and that thou (houldft amaze thy audience. 
 And in truth fo thou didft; for thefe poor 
 creatures are no diftinguifhers of colours, 
 and it is fufficient for them not to under- 
 (land a thing in order to admire it. 
 
 " As to that puerile, pedantic, intoxi- 
 cated, mad ftyle, it would be lofing one's 
 labour and one's oil to fay any thing of it. 
 Friar Bias and the curfed Florilegium have 
 fo infatuated thee that thou haft no know- 
 lege of what is the pure, chafte, and true 
 Spanifh idiom. That which thou ufeft in 
 the pulpit is neither Spanifh, nor Latin, nor 
 Greek, nor Hebrew, nor in fhort do I know 
 what it is. Tell me, Sinner, why doft 
 thou not preach as thou talkeft ? 
 
 " What is the meaning of auriferous 
 age, degree lethalic t nigrefcent indentation, 
 prtflme niveous candour, paralogize correction, 
 humid colonift, and the reft of that firing of 
 Latinized abfurdities with which thou ftud- 
 ded'fl thy Exhortation, underftood by the 
 brethren of the Crofs as much as if thou 
 hadft preached to them in Syriac or Arme- 
 nian? Knoweft thou not, wretch that thou
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 55$ 
 
 art, that this is a pedantry pra&ifed only by 
 thofe ignorants who fcarcely know their 
 mother-tongue ? Inftead of the acclamation 
 which thefe fimpletons gave thec upon fi- 
 niming thy Exhortation, thou mouldft 
 have had that which was given to Father 
 Friar Crifpin, fuiting thee as well as it did 
 him, who without doubt muft have been 
 the Friar Gerund of his time, 
 
 All pretenders to Jlyh before Crifpin mujl vanijh. 
 Who fp&aks Spanijh in Latin, and Latin in Spanijb. 
 
 Huzza! 
 
 " I have purpofely chofen to give thee 
 my fentiments before all thefe young per- 
 fons, and therefore detained them here ; 
 for being tired with privately admonifhing 
 thee, and feeing to my great grief that my 
 correction had no effeft, I thought it would 
 be right that I mould fpeak to thee thus 
 publicly, that they may ( avoid thy bad 
 example. My age and my hoary head au- 
 thorize me ; and the part I took in having 
 thee appointed to this employment thou fo 
 eagerly foughteft, in fome meafure obliges 
 me to this, that it never may be thought 
 I approve what I abominate. 
 
 " Do not fuppofe that / only am of this 
 opinion; in that cafe it might be attributed 
 to the ill-humour which is too often at- 
 tendant
 
 554 The H I S-T O R Y of 
 
 tendant upon old-age, though, bleiled be 
 God, my temper is far from being looked 
 upon as one of the worfl. All the grave 
 fathers of the convent agree with me in it, 
 that is, all who have any judgment in the 
 matter. They all lament, as welf as I, the 
 misapplication of thy talents : and by the 
 {tiff and ferious manner in which they pre- 
 fented themfelves to give thee iheir con- 
 gratulations, thou mightft fee how much 
 they had been difgufted at thy Exhorta- 
 tion. If they do not all fpeak to thee with' 
 the plainnefs that I do, it is becaufe they 
 do not love thee fo much as I do, or be- 
 caufe they are not fo particularly circum- 
 ftanced with regard to thee as I am, which 
 forbids my fuffering thee to proceed in 
 error, or becaufe in a community there are 
 Ib many inconveniences in the office of a 
 reprover that even the fuperiours are ob- 
 liged to exercife it with much caution, 
 though it is a ne.ccffary part o/ their duty. 
 But I difregard them all; troubling myfelf 
 lefs about what thou rnayeft think, others 
 infer, and many mifreprefent, than the de- 
 fies of thy reputation, the good of fouls, 
 the decorum of tbe pulpit, and the credit 
 of the order." 
 
 And as foon as he bad faid this he rqfp 
 from his feat, opened the door, and went 
 
 away
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 
 
 away to his cell, leaving it to be confidered 
 at leifure by thofe to whom it was ad- 
 drefled. Friar Gerund was penfive, the 
 Collegiates a long while filent, and the lay- 
 brethren looking both at one and the other. 
 One fpat, another blew his nofe, a third 
 cleared his pipes, and a fourth hatched up 
 a kind of cough, but no one dared to fpeak 
 a word ; till at laft a Collegiate, a Theo- 
 logift of the fourth year, (as appears by a 
 note left by a curious, minute, inveftigat- 
 ing author) who was a brifk, lively, in- 
 trepid lad, and a great talker, broke filence 
 by faying, " Who goes after the old man 
 with wine and bifcuits, and to make him 
 change his linen, for the ferrnon has been 
 long, moral, fervent, and pathetic ?" They 
 all laughed except Friar Gerund, who re- 
 mained down-call: and half-amamed. 
 
 But he was prefently confoied by our 
 Theologifl ; who coming up to him and giv- 
 ing him two flaps upon the moulder, faid, 
 ' Why, how now, Friar Gerund ! Surfum 
 wrda! What! Doft thou make any ac- 
 count of the muTions of our Mathufaleins ! 
 Doft thou not fee, man, that they have a 
 tafte as blear-eyed and draggle-tailed as a 
 witch's 'prentice ? How mould they know 
 what it is to preach, when they have al- 
 forgot what it is to live ? All that has 
 
 not
 
 556 The HISTORY of 
 
 not a fniack of antiquity offends them ; and 
 they muft pefter us too with their dotings ! 
 They knew the world to be fo, and thus 
 they take it into their heads that the world 
 is to remain as they knew it, without re- 
 flecting that the ball turns round, and that 
 upon that account it is a ball. As they 
 cannot any longer fhine, they cannot bear 
 that others mould fhine ; like dried and 
 withered trees, which, in the fpring when 
 the others are adorned with bloflbms and 
 leaves, feem to look flill more dry and 
 withered through pure envy. 
 
 " They fpeak of fermons as of fafhions or 
 dances. The fight of a flock or cravat puts 
 them befide themfelves, becaufe it takes 
 up the place, which, according to the old 
 tafle, a band fhould occupy ; and they 
 cannot without fury look upon a pair of 
 clofe breeches, remembering their own 
 and their grandfather's Trunk-hofe. Juft 
 the fame in fermons; Erudition, Mytho- 
 logy, Elevation of Style, harmonious Ca- 
 dence, Jefts, Pleafantry, Tales, all provoke 
 them to vomiting ; and the reafon is, that 
 the ftomach of their tafte is as deftitute of 
 heat as that of the body : they can digeft 
 nothing but pap and minced- meat, or at 
 moft plain roaft and boiled. 
 
 Was
 
 F R I A R G E R U N D. 557 
 
 " Was there ever any thing like their 
 thinking to perfuade us that Fables were 
 not made for the pulpit ? Then what were 
 they made for ? The drawing-rooms of 
 the ladies, or the parlatories * of nuns ? 
 Can there be more grace or more genius in 
 any effort of the mind than to prove a truth 
 by a lie, or eftablifh an infallible myftery 
 by a fiction ? Salutem exinimicis noftris, is not 
 this of the Holy Spirit ? Contrarta Contra-* 
 riis curantur, is not this of the divine Hip- 
 pocrates ? And moreover hath not the pro- 
 found Ariftotle faid, Oppofitajuxtafepofita 
 magis elucefcunt ? How can the virtue of the 
 Sacrament of Baptifm and of the holy wa- 
 ter be fet forth better than by comparing 
 it with that virtue which was feigned in the 
 luftral water with which the Gentiles puri- 
 fied themfelves to be properly prepared to 
 facrifice ? Luftravitque viros, as the incom- 
 parable Virgil fays. Or how is it poflible 
 to explain with grace, the grace of the 
 Sacrament of iMatrimony without makijig 
 a beautiful defcription of the God Hymen, 
 the Prefident of Nuptials, or the Wedding- 
 God, a fprightly youth, of heroic ftature, 
 white and red like a German, fair-haired, 
 
 Par/atorits, or Parlours, or Locutorift, are, as the 
 words all imply, places to fpeak in, to which the nuns 
 come to converfe with thofe who vifit them. 
 
 his
 
 the H I S T O R Y of 
 
 his lighted Torch in his hand, and crowned 
 with Rofes ? And, in order to do juftice to 
 the extraordinary gallantry of Chrift in the 
 Sacrament of the Eucharift, is there any 
 argument to be met with fo convincing, or 
 was there ever yet invented in the world a 
 thought fo delicate, as that of the little 
 fable of Cupid j when, in order to fufodue an 
 heart that was fomewhat hard, after having 
 in vain emptied all his quiver upon it, he 
 made an arrow of his own body * and fhot 
 it at the faid heart, which thence became 
 as foft and-meltable as a lump of butter ? 
 
 ' The Father Mafter fays that it is only 
 for poor ignorant creatures to ufe fables 
 in the pulpit. This might be fo when his 
 Paternity was born ; then too the old dance 
 called Par aht as was infafhion; but now 
 that the world is more cultivated, it is an- 
 other thing. I have in my cell many print- 
 ed fermons of a famous preacher of thofe 
 times, who amazed, delighted, intranced 
 the people of Arragon, of Navarre, of 
 Madrid; infomuch that foldiers were 
 placed at the Church-doors to prevent in 
 fome degree the confufion an.d diforder oc- 
 cafioned by exccffive concourfes. And yet 
 
 * This maybe eafily conceived, when the reader re? 
 collects how St. Patrick hvam over to Ireland, alter hip 
 decollation, with his head in his teeth. 
 
 this
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 553 
 
 this very preacher, (whom the Father Maf- 
 ter will not deny, for never mortal man has 
 yet denied him, to be a well-known genius) 
 Scarcely ever preached a fermon the proofs 
 of which did not confift in bringing in a 
 fable with a piece of Holy Scripture; and 
 in truth and in truth, I can tell you that 
 it did not fpoil his fortune, and that not 
 only the vulgar, as fome people imagine, 
 applauded him, but many men of the very 
 firft rank. 
 
 " Amongft others I remember a certain 
 Sermon, preached upon two diftinguifaed 
 ladies* taking the veil, and immediately 
 committed to the prefs as a great thing, 
 in which, becaufe the habit of the order 
 which thefe ladies took upon them was 
 black, he compares them with the greateft 
 propriety to the Goddefs Vefta, who, upon 
 the faith and word of Cartarius, was 
 cloathed with the fame colour, F aft urn eft 
 ttt nigra appellaretur proffer veftem nigram* 
 Afterwards he faid, and faid very well, that 
 Minerva had been the firft foundref* of the 
 education of girls, quoting fome words of 
 the fame Cartarius, which, though they 
 only prove that Minerva was the inventrete 
 of feminine employments, fuch as fevving, 
 fpinning, &c. for Cartarius fays no more, 
 yet he fays enough for us to believe that 
 
 "fhe
 
 560 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 (he might likewife have inflructed female* 
 in thefe employments ; for whether they 
 were girls or marriageable women, or even 
 married, is nothing to the purpofe -, and it 
 is ftill mewn clearly that (he muft have 
 been the foundrefs of education, which is 
 the fubftance of the bufmefs. 
 : Finally, farther on, he brings a charm- 
 ing comparifon to (hew how much God is 
 enamoured of the religious fouls who live 
 in cloifters, fince he cites with all the 
 appofitenefs in the world, the fable of 
 Danae, daughter of Acrifius king of the 
 Argives, and {hut up by him in a ftrong 
 tower, where {he could not have any com- 
 munication with men, that the fatal prog- 
 noftic of the oracle might not be fulfilled, 
 which faid, he was to die by the hands of 
 a grandfon. But Jupiter was too cunning 
 for the old fox,- for, deeply fmitten by 
 this beautiful young lady, he transformed 
 himfelf into a {hower of gold, defcended 
 in the tower, and at the due period made 
 her the mother of Perfeus, who in procefs 
 of time came at laft to fulfil the pro- 
 phetic oracle, by flaying his grandfather. 
 And there can be no cavil here about the 
 fhower's introducing itfelf into the tower, 
 for the windows might happen to be open ; 
 or even if it rtiould have been a fortified 
 I . tower.
 
 FRtAR GERUND. 561 
 
 tower, in which there are no windows, 
 there muft have been chinks and holes for 
 the admiflion of light and the emiffion of 
 arrows. 
 
 " Who could have believed that a fable, 
 to appearance fo filthy, could ever ferve as 
 a proof for fo lovely, clean, and chafte 
 a thing as the efpecial love which God 
 proferTes to the pure fouls who live in 
 cloyfters ? But this is the teft of his great 
 genius j our fubtle orator applies it with 
 thegreateft delicacy and the greateft energy: 
 In Danae, he fays, / contemplate a retired 
 Soul, which vows permanency in its clanfure 
 from the world; in Jupiter, transformed to 
 a Jhower of gold, I contemplate Cbrift, who 
 defcends as rain and bread from Heaven. 
 And directly, in the margin, you behold a 
 fair of literal, pretty texts, for the word 
 " Bread," Pants de ccelo defcendens >, and for 
 " Rain," Et mibes pluant juftum. Could 
 any thing have been faid more fweetly, or 
 could a v more fuitable or .a more happy in- 
 vention have been imagined ? For, though 
 Danae might not have been the moft re* 
 ferved and fcrupulous damfel upon earth, 
 as indeed the event (hews, and that Jupiter 
 might have been a wicked fornicating 
 rogue of a God, is a trifling objedion. 
 Here is a virgin j here is a fhutting-up 
 
 VOL. L O o from
 
 562 The H I S T O R Y of 
 
 from the world ; here is a God who vilits 
 this virgin, be it upon what account it will, 
 for it does not become us to enquire into 
 it ; what more is wanting, then, to prove 
 that Chrift profefTes an efpecial tendernefs 
 for cloiftered virgins, and loves to contem- 
 plate * thefe Danaes, as Jupiter did that ? 
 Without doubt it is a contemplation of the 
 author, exceedingly ingenious, devout, and 
 pious, 
 
 ''Therefore, my friend Gerund, you have 
 nothing to do but to laugh at that old 
 dotard of a Father Mafter of our's, and let 
 him grumble and grunt his fill. Believe 
 me, that all old people in general are dif- 
 gufted with whatever they cannot do them- 
 felves, and that we may well apply to them 
 what the poet fays, with the alteration only 
 of a lingle word, Nam qu<z nonfeclmus ipfi 
 r oix ea RECTA voco : and do thou go on 
 preaching as thou haft begun; for if thou 
 perfevere thou wilt come undoubtedly to 
 be the honour of thy country, the credit of 
 the order, the oracle of the pulpit, and 
 in fliort, the only man in the world." 
 
 * In the original, Cwtetnplarlas a ejlas Danaes ; this 
 verb has a double meaning, fignifying (befides to con- 
 template) to pleafe, to humour, to comply with, from 
 he Latin verb Temptrare's being converted in Spanifh 
 into Templar. 
 
 It
 
 FRIAR GERUND. 563 
 
 It is not to be told with what applaufe 
 the whole juvenile mufquetry received this 
 harangue of the prating, confident, young 
 thing of a theologift. After having given 
 him almoft as many fhouts as the brethren 
 of the Crofs had given to the Difciplinant- 
 Exhortation, the compliments of congra- 
 tulations were repeated to Friar Gerund, 
 if poflible, with more tumult than before, 
 all of them ftrenuoufly advifing him to fol- 
 low the miraculous rhumb of preaching, to 
 which he had given fo happy a beginning, 
 and moft of them befeeching htm to lend 
 them the manufcript, that they might 
 tranfcrihe it. With this our poor fcald 
 miferable of a Friar Gerund, not only 
 began to refpire, but he lifted up his creft, 
 he plumed himfelf, he exulted, he was 
 fvvoln with vanity almoft to burfting, and 
 became fo fully perfuaded, that That was 
 the true method of preaching, and that 
 any other was a wretched poornefs, that 
 he could not have been drawn from his 
 error by the bare-footed Friars themfelves. 
 But what gave the fini filing ftroke to jt, 
 was the following poetical eulogy, which 
 appeared the next day, and faid thus : 
 
 To
 
 564 The HISTORY, &c. 
 
 To THE INCOMPARABLE FRIAR GERUND 
 ZOTES, ALIAS DE CoMPAZAS. 
 
 Fri'r GERUND there's but One, nor e'er was more* 
 Immortal muft he make Campazas' name : 
 And Squares, Streets, Cots, and Convents 
 
 with his fame 
 Shall loud, or twopence will I forfeit, roar. 
 
 Henceforth, thofe Pulpit-Drones, his Bourdaloue 
 And FJeury, let not braggart Frenchman praife : 
 Blufh, Italy, Thy Preacher's worth to raife, 
 Preachers all worthy coats of motley hue ! 
 
 What is Vieyra, Portugal, thy Pride ? 
 
 A pure pragmatic, pert, Prig-Portugueze ! 
 
 What the fam'd Tully and Demofthenes ? 
 Blockheads whom future School-boys fliall deride ! 
 
 All elfe for Oratory erft rever'd 
 
 What, feen in groupe, prefent they now to 
 view ? 
 
 What but, for Jargon, a wild Bedlam-crew, 
 For Ignorance, a brute Lay-brother Herd ? 
 
 All, all j Fri'r Bias excepted, Smart Divine ! 
 And the few Gallant Sparks with Bias that vie : 
 Yet thefe, e'en Thefe, fhine not when 
 
 GERUND'S nigh, 
 GERUND the Glory of the ZOTES' Line \ 
 
 END OF THE FIR'ST VOLUME.

 
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