B 3 3MS 5=17 CHARM SCHOOL ^LICE DUER MILLER ROBERT 4MUEL FRENCH, 25 West 45th St., New Yorfl PRIDE AND PREJUDICE Comedy. 3 acts. By Helen Jerome. 10 males, 16 females. 3 interiors. Costumes, 1796. An immensely successful production in New York and Lon don, The play concentrates on Mrs. Bennri s determination to get her daughters married. Jane. Elizabeth and Lvdia are likely-looking girls in an unlikely -looking period when a woman s one possible career is matrimony. To be a wife was success. Anything else was failure. Jane and her Mr. Bingley, and Lydia with her Mr. Wickham, are quite content with the god of things as they are, but not Eli/abeth! She actualiy re fuses to marry Mr. Collins, whom she openly deplores, and Mr. Darcy whom she secretly adores. The play is the story of the duel between Elizabeth and her pride aiid Darcy and his prejudice. Each gives in before the evening is over and pride and prejudice meet halfway. An ideal costume play, for schools, colleges and Little Theatres. "This particular re viewer went to the Music Box last night prepared to be bored, and remained to be interested." Percy Hammond, N. Y. Her ald Tribune. "An intelligent script." Brooks Atkinson, N. Y. Times. In ordering please mention name of author of this version. (Royalty, $25.00.) Price, 75 cents. LEAVE IT TO PSMITH Farce-comedy. 3 acts. By Ian Hay and P. G. Wode- house. 10 males, 8 females. 3 interiors, exterior. Modern costumes. This is one of the most amusing and rollicking farces that has come our way in a long time. Freddie Bosham is in love with Phyllis Jackson but her father won t let them marry unless Freddie gets a job or at least shows good faith by putting some money into the Jackson Jam business. Of course the first choice is out of the question, for the Boshams are aristocrats and never labor. How Freddie manages to raise the money through the assistance of Ronald Eustace Psmith, a general fixer-up, is hilariously unfolded in three acts of fast action and excitement brought about by the endeavors of several crooks to steal the jewels belonging to Freddie s domi neering stepmother. The cast consists of an assortment of some of the most unusual and laugh-provoking characters ever pre sented on the stage. This play is bound to satisfy any audience that enjoys a good evening s spoofing. (Royalty, $25.00.) Price, 75 cents. The Charm School A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS BY ALICE DUER MILLER AND ROBERT MILTON COPYRIGHT, 1919, BY ALICE DUER MILLER AK ROBERT MILTON COPYRIGHT, 1922, BY SAMUEL FRENCH All Rights Reserved CAUTION Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that "THE CHARM SCHOOL," being fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States, Great Britain and Canada, is subject to a royalty, and anyone presenting the play without the consent of the owners or their authorized agents will be liable to the penalties by law provided. Appli cations for the amateur acting rights must be made to SAMUEL FRENCH, 25 West 45th St., New York. Ap plications for the professional acting rights must be made to Julia R. Tutwiler, 471 Park Avenue, New York. NEW YORK SAMUEL FRENCH PUBLISHER 25 WEST 45TH STREET LONDON SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD. 26 SOUTHAMPTON STREET STRAND "The Charm School" All Rights Reserved Especial notice should be taken that the possession of this book without a valid contract for production first having been obtained from the publisher, confers no right or license to professionals or amateurs to produce the play publicly or in private for gain or charity. In its present form this play is dedicated to the reading public only, and no performance, representation, produc- j tion, recitation, or public reading, or radio broadcasting I may be given except by special arrangement with Samuel French, 25 West 45th Street, New York. This play may be presented by amateurs upon payment of a royalty of Twenty-Five Dollars for each performance, payable to Samuel French, 25 West 45th Street, New York, one week before the date when the play is given. Whenever the play is produced the following notice must appear on all programs, printing and advertising for the play: "Produced by special arrangement with Samuel French of New York." Attention is called to the penalty provided by law for any infringement of the author s rights, as follows: "SECTION 4966: Any person publicly performing or rep resenting any dramatic or musical composition for which copyright has been obtained, without the consent of the proprietor of said dramatic or musical composition, or his heirs and assigns, shall be liable for damages thereof, such damages, in all cases to be assessed at such sum, not less than one hundred dollars for the first and fifty dollars for every subsequent performance, as to the court shall appear to be just. If the unlawful performance and representation be wilful and for profit, such person or persons shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, and upon conviction shall be im prisoned for a period not exceeding one year." U. S. Revised Statutes: Title 60, Chap. 3. Primed in the United States of America by THE RICHMOND HILL. RECORD. RICHMOND HILL. N. Y. The following is a copy of the play-bill of the first performance of "THE CHARM SCHOOL" at the New Bijou Theatre, New York City, beginning Monday evening, August 2, 1920. MR. ROBERT MILTON PRESENTS "THE CHARM SCHOOL" A COMEDY BY ALICE DUER MILLER and ROBERT MILTON With a Wee Bit of Music by Jerome Kern To Begin With AUSTIN BEVANS Mr. Sam Hardy An automobile salesman with IDEAS, which DAVID MACKENZIE Mr. Ivan Simpson A law student, considers unpractical, though GEORGE BOYD Mr. James Gleason An expert accountant, is willing to co-operate and so are JIM SIMPKINS Mr. Neil Martin and TIM SIMPKINS Mr. Morgan Farley Who toil not and have never seriously consid ered spinning. HOMER JOHNS Mr. Rapley Holmes is the guardian of ELISE BENEDOTTI Miss Marie Carrill the president of the senior class at a school presided over by Miss HAYS Miss Margaret Dale who is loved and feared by all who know her, including the secretary, 3 r: 4 THE CHARM SCHOOL Miss CURTIS Miss Minnie Dupree who is always trying to think well of the senior class, consisting of SALLY BOYD Miss Blyth Daly who is GEORGE S sister, and MURIEL DOUGHTY Miss Florence McGuire ETHEL SPELVIN Miss Carolyn Arnold ALIX MERCIER Miss Theodora Larocque LILLIAN STAFFORD Miss Frances McLaughlin MADGE KENT Miss Mary Mead CHARLOTTE GRAY .Miss Camilla Lyon and it is hardly worth while to mention a junior DOTSIE Miss Constance McLaughlin who is always in the way. ACT I. Evening. The boys room on the top floor of an old-fashioned New York house. ACT II. The Main Hall of the School. Scene 1 Noon. Scene 2 About two weeks later. Between Scenes 1 and 2 the curtain will be lowered about two minutes to indicate passing time. ACT III. Scene 1 Midnight on the Road. Scene 2 The next morning. LONDON PRODUCTION THE COMEDY THEATRE (Licensed by the Lord Chamberlain) flNTON STREET, HAYMARKET (Nearest Station, Piccadilly Tube) ARTHUR CHUDLEIGH essee PAUL MURRAY and T. F. DAWE, by arrangement with WILLIAM EDELSTEN present THE CHARM SCHOOL A Comedy by Alice Duer Miller and Robert Milton Based on the Story by Alice Duer Miller eter Bevans >avid Mackenzie reorge Boyd im Bradbury and im Bradbury [omer Johns ]lise Challoner [iss Hayes liss Curtis CAST a Motor Dealer with ideas, which a Law Student considers unpractical, though an Expert Accountant, is willing to co-operate and so are who toil not and have never seriously considered spinning. is the guardian of the head of the senior class at a school presided over by who is loved and feared by all who know her including the Secretary who is always trying to think well of the senior class, consisting of who is George s sister The Young Ladies of the School MR. OWEN NARES MR. DAVID MILLER MR. KENNETH KENT MR. HUGH DEMPSTER MR. RONALD HAMMOND MR. FEWLASS LLEWELLYN Miss MEGGIE ALBANESI By permission of Reandean\ Miss LENA HALLIDAY Miss SYDNEY FAIRBROTHER Miss MARGERY MEADOWS Miss MAUREEN DILLON Miss ETHEL FISHER Miss DONNETT PAYNTER Miss MARY EWIN Miss KATHLEEN COPE Miss MARGARET ELSTON Miss DOROTHY ELSTON Miss LALLA CRAGG Miss CELIA ELSON Miss EDNA GORDON CHARACTERS To Begin With AUSTIN BEVANS, An automobile salesman with IDEAS, which DAVID MACKENZIE, A law student, considers unpractical, though GEORGE BOYD, An expert accountant, is willing to co-operate, and also JIM SIMPKINS and TIM SIMPKINS, Who toil not and have never seriously consid ered spinning. HOMER JOHNS is the guardian of ELISE BENEDOTTI, The President of the senior class at a school presided over by Miss HAYS, Who is loved and feared by all who know her, including her secretary t Miss CURTIS, Who is always trying to think well of the seniov class, consisting of SALLY BOYD, who is GEORGE S sister, and MURIEL DOUGHTY, ETHEL SPELVIN, ALIX MERCIER, LILLIAN STAFFORD, MADGE KENT. It is hardly worth while to mention a junior f DOTSIE, who is always in the way. SYNOPSIS OF SCENES ACT I : Evening. The boy s room on the top floor of an old-fashioned New York house. ACT II : The Main Hall of the School. SCENE I: Noon. Scene II: About two weeks later. Between scenes one and two the curtain will be lowered two minutes to indicate passing time. ACT III, SCENE I : Midnight, on the road. SCENE II : The next morning at the school. * NOTE. Scene I of Act III may be omitted, as the play is complete without it. THE CHARM SCHOOL ACT I SCENE : Shabby sitting room on top floor of an old- fashioned New York house, turned into flats. The doors and windows are high and the tops rounded. The walls are painted a light tan color. On L., about two feet above the return, is the door swings outward. General entrance from outside. An oblique piece joins the door piece to a flat running on stage, and contains large double doors that swing up stage into the kitchen. A blank piece joins the on-stage edge of the above flat, runs up stage. The back flat proper joins the up stage edge of this piece and runs across to R. side. There are two double windows in the back flat. On R. joining the return a blank piece runs upstage straight, joins a fireplace piece, set obliquely, and a blank piece joins this to the back flat. A narrow piece about thirty inches deep runs from tip-stage edge of fireplace straight across to the small flat piece at L.C. containing the double doors to the kitchen, giving an effect of an altered room or alcove. Two posts support them, having the effect of supporting the parti tion of narrow piece. Back of the double doors is the kitchen, with the dumb-waiter, in the backing, which swings down stage and on. The practical dumb-waiter is directly back of the double door. 9 io THE CHARM SCHOOL A drop representing house-tops backs the windows. Interior backing for door L. Gen eral entrance. Fireplace backing. Ceilings. (NOTE. A simplified stage setting for this act will be found at the back of the play.) TIME : Late afternoon of a day in Spring. DISCOVERED : DAVID is sitting on the big easy chair, smoking his pipe and reading law. As he reads clouds of smoke rise and he gets hotter and hotter, finally he lays the book on the table, takes off a green eye-shade he has been wear ing, rubs his hands across his forehead and starts to take off his coat. A buzzer sounds. He goes to kitchen door and opening it, reveals dumb-waiter. DAVID. (Down waiter) Aye VOICE (Washerwoman s voice) Wash coming up. DAVID. Let her come. (The squeaking of the waiter is heard.) That s good ! (He lifts a clothes- basket with a check cover from the dumb-waiter.) Take her away. (Deposits it L. of chair c. He starts back toward his easy chair, thinks of the ice in the refrigera tor, goes into kitchen and takes out a couple of small pieces smaller than his fist puts them in a brown bowl and starts back toward his chair. When c., takes a piece out of the bowl and rubs it across his forehead, goes to easy chair, puts bowl and ice in front of a small elec tric fan there. Picks up a piece of newspaper on the floor, wipes his hands on it, drops it, sees the ice is too low in the bowl for the fan to do any good, puts bowl on floor, picks up the paper THE CHARM SCHOOL n again, makes a ball of it and puts it under the ice so as to raise it above the edge of the bowl. Sits down, turns on switch of fan, picks up book and starts to read again. Fidgets with the fan to get the most breeze, finally settles back and commences to read. JIM is heard outside whistling one of the latest dancing tunes. He enters L. General Entrance." Slams door. DAVID looks up. JIM whistles louder, goes to bureau, leaves his hat on upper end, turns with a dancing step to the bench L. of table c., straddles it. slides along, flops down, stretches out hands under his head feet on lower end of table.) JIM. Gee, it s great to get home, when the day s work is over. DAVID. Work ! JIM. David, you lazy creature. I believe you haven t done a thing but sit there all day feeding that great, greedy mind of yours. You ought to be ashamed. DAVID. (A little startled by this attack) And what have you been doing? JIM. We ve been keeping up our physical morale, David ; we ve been dancing for four solid hours. (The phone on bureau rings. DAVID turns off his fan, rises and goes to it. JIM commences to whistle again, keeping time with his foot, which is on the table.) DAVID. (To JIM to stop his whistling) Shss-s! (JiM stops. In phone) Yep? I said hullo No, Mr. Bevans has not come in yet. . . Oh, any time now. Very well, hold the wire I said hold the wire. (To JIMJ Have you got a pencil? (Takes it from JIM, finds a piece of paper on bureau) io THE CHARM SCHOOL A drop representing house-tops backs the windows. Interior backing for door L. Gen eral entrance. Fireplace backing. Ceilings. (NOTE. A simplified stage setting for this act will be found at the back of the play.) TIME : Late afternoon of a day in Spring. DISCOVERED : DAVID is sitting on the big easy chair, smoking his pipe and reading law. As he reads clouds of smoke rise and he gets hotter and hotter, finally he lays the book on the table, takes off a green eye-shade he has been wear ing, rubs his hands across his forehead and starts to take off his coat. A buzzer sounds. He goes to kitchen door and opening it, reveals dumb-waiter. DAVID. (Down ivaiter) Aye VOICE (Washerwoman s voice) Wash coming up. DAVID. Let her come. (The squeaking of the waiter is heard.) That s good! (He lifts a clothes- basket with a check cover from the dumb-waiter.) Take her away. (Deposits it L. of chair c. He starts back toward his easy chair, thinks of the ice in the refrigera tor, goes into kitchen and takes out a couple of small pieces smaller than his fist puts them in a brown bowl and starts back toward his chair. When c., takes a piece out of the bowl and rubs it across his forehead, goes to easy chair, puts boiul and ice in front of a small elec tric fan there. Picks up a piece of newspaper on the floor, wipes his hands on it, drops it, sees the ice is too low in the bowl for the fan to do any good, puts bowl on floor, picks up the paper THE CHARM SCHOOL n again, makes a ball of it and puts it under the ice so as to raise it above the edge of the bowl. Sits down, turns on switch of fan, picks up book and starts to read again. Fidgets with the fan to get the most breeze, finally settles back and commences to read. JIM is heard outside whistling one of the latest dancing tunes. He enters L. General Entrance." Slams door. DAVID looks up. JIM whistles louder, goes to bureau, leaves his hat on upper end, turns with a dancing step to the bench L. of table c., straddles it. slides along, flops down, stretches out hands under his head feet on lower end of table.) JIM. Gee, it s great to get home, when the day s work is over. DAVID. Work! JIM. David, you lazy creature. I believe you haven t done a thing but sit there all day feeding that great, greedy mind of yours. You ought to be ashamed. DAVID. (A little startled by this attack) And what have you been doing? JIM. We ve been keeping up our physical morale, David; we ve been dancing for four solid hours. (The phone on bureau rings. DAVID turns off his fan, rises and goes to it. JIM commences to whistle again, keeping time with his foot, which is on the table.) DAVID. (To JIM to stop his whistling) Shss-s! (JiM stops. In phone) Yep? I said hullo No, Mr. Bevans has not come in yet. . . Oh, any time now. Very well, hold the wire I said hold the wire. (To JiMj Have you got a pencil? (Takes it from JIM, finds a piece of paper on bureau) 12 THE CHARM SCHOOL Forge ahead what s your message? Call Home? Homer? Oh ! Aye, Homer, like the poet the poet, the poet, the poet Homer Johns, at Plaza 2097. Aye, I will. (Angrily) I can t tell him before he comes in, can I? (Hangs up the receiver.) JIM. Who was it, David? DAVID. A Mr. Johns, who wants Austin to call him up. (He lays the paper on U.L. of T.C .) A very impatient man. (JiM picks up the paper to read it. DAVID grabs it away from him, and puts it under a law book on lower R. of the table.) He should not shout so through the telephone. (He turns to easy chair, putting the pencil in his pocket. JIM whistles for it. DAVID gives it to him. DAVID sits in easy chair.) I suppose you haven t found a job? JIM. No, but maybe it s because we haven^t looked for one. DAVID. Aye, man, why don t you look for one? JIM. Because, Dave, if we looked for it we might find it DAVID. Aye, you might JIM. And if we found it we might have to take it. (Rises, goes to piano, takes cushion from stool, comes down c.) And if we took it we might have to do a little work. (Sees wash basket on floor.) And speaking of work, there s your wash not put away yet. Oh, David, David, how do you ever expect to succeed in the world if you shirk your duties like that? DAVID. (Earnestly) It isn t my week on the wash, James I m on the door and the telephone. (TiM enters D.L. whistling same tune.) George is on the wash, aye, and you and Tim fTiM, closing door, stops whistling, looks at DAVID.) ought to be getting dinner. TIM. What s that! JIM. (Throws cushion on bench L.J Oh, gee! it s our night to get dinner. THE CHARM SCHOOL 13 TIM. Is it? JIM. Look in the ice-box, and see what there is, will you? (TiM exits to kitchen, whistling.) DAVID. Shsss (JiM goes to kitchen door, looks in, then turns to DAVID, drawing the door to after him.) JIM. Oh, Dave! What do you say to dining out to-night ? DAVID. That s what you always say the night it s your turn to work. JIM. (Crossing F. to R. of c.) Got any money, Dave? DAVID. Any what? JIM. Any money. DAVID. Don t be absurd. (JiM goes tip R. c. B.) TIM. (Heard in the ice-box sing-song) There s nothing but five loin chops and half a lemon pie. JIM. Got any money, Tim? TIM. (Enters, goes to L. of T. c.) Any what? JIM. (A. T. c.) Any money. TIM. You will have your little joke, won t you? (Exits to kitchen.) JIM. Couldn t we borrow something from some one? Our allowance is due the day after to-mor row. DAVID. (Is sitting in easy chair) There s a letter there from your father. JIM. (Rushing to letter box) A letter from Father ! Good ! 14 THE CHARM SCHOOL TIM. (Enters to L. of ]IM) A letter from Father! Good old Pop! JIM. Maybe he sent it a day or two ahead ! DAVID. Maybe ! JIM. (Opens letter. Looks for check, and his face changes) Gee ! It looks as if we d have to go back to Poughkeepsie. TIM. (Picks up envelope on floor to make sure nothing is in it) To Poughkeepsie. . . . That s pretty rough. DAVID. What s the matter? JIM. Our dear, dear parent has stopped our al lowance. . . . DAVID. What ! JIM. (Xing A. to R. of T. c v reads) "Until you obtain a position, or until I see some evidence that you are seriously looking for one." Well, hasn t he a suspicious nature. . . . (Sits B. R. of T. c.) TIM. (Foot on chair at door. Sits chair.) Af ter all the trouble I ve taken with that man s edu cation. (Bell rings off L. i. E. ) DAVID. Answer that door, Tim. TIM. (Rising) It s your day on the door, Dave. (Exits to kitchen.) (DAVID swell of fan Shsss JIM rises, goes to window L V whistling.) DAVID. Well! POSTMAN. (Outside) Special for Austin Be- vans. DAVID. Not in yet. POSTMAN. All right. Sign here. JIM. (A. T. c.) Where is Austin, Dave? DAVID. He said he wasn t coming home for din ner. (Looking at letter.) He s gone to see his girl, and he s going to stay there to dine. THE CHARM SCHOOL 15 JIM. If he s invited. . . . DAVID. He s engaged to her, isn t he ? JIM. That s what he says, but what does she say? Absolutely nothing. Do you know, Dave. . . . (Takes up SUSIE S photo from bureau) I m not for that pale pearl of refinement. I think she d drop (DAVID crosses to R. of chair c.) him in an instant if her mother said so. DAVID. Nonsense JIM. And her mother will say so the first time a man with a little money comes along. DAVID. Susie s in love with Austin any girl would be. JIM. Well, Susie s in love with Susie. (Replaces the photo on bureau, goes toward window R.) (TiM enters.) DAVID. (Sits chair c.) I m afraid there s some thing wrong with Austin. Here s a special delivery letter for him from a firm of attorneys. TIM. (To L. of DAVID) From a firm of attor neys? JIM. (To R. of DAVID) From a firm of attorn eys? DAVID. (R. of chair c.J Aye, and a deep bass voice has been calling him up every fifteen minutes all afternoon. TIM. (In a deep bass voice) A deep bass voice? JIM. (In a deeper bass voice) A deep bass voice. (DAVID rises and crosses to R. of JIM J TIM. Now, I wonder what Austin has been do ing that he oughtn t to do. JIM. (Holding out his hand) Let me see the letter, Dave? DAVID. (To easy chair. Putting letter in his 16 THE CHARM SCHOOL pocket.) You attend to your own business, and I ll (Sits easy chair. Switches on fan.) (TiM goes up L. c., replaces cushion on piano stool, goes to R. of chair u. cj JIM. And you ll attend everybody else s. (Enter GEORGE door L. Crossing to GEORGE. ) JIM. George, got any money? GEORGE. ( L. c.) Any what? JIM. Any money. GEORGE. What ? JIM. Money. You know. Those long green ones? GEORGE. I should say not. (Crossing to B. Lj I ve just lost my job. JIM and TIM. You ve lost your job? DAVID. You ve lost your job! Why? GEORGE. (Sits B. L. of T. c.) Because I m always late. (To TIMJ That s your fault, you always wake me in such a tactless sort of way. (Throws cap in u. R. corner.) I never want to get up. (JiM sits chair L.J DAVID. I m sorry you ve lost your job, George. And the twins they ve had their allowance stopped. JIM. Our future home Poughkeepsie. DAVID. (Is sitting easy chair.) I don t know how we re going to get along Twins with no al lowance, George without a job. TIM. ( Has put his foot on chair above T. and is unlacing his boots.) Well, the rent s paid till Au tumn that s some comfort. JIM. Yes, and I suppose we can starve like "little gentlemen" in our own home. GEORGE. For the love of Mike, Tim, don t take THE CHARM SCHOOL 17 your shoes off in the parlor. I never saw anything like you fellows, you keep this room looking like a pig-pen, law books ail over the table (DAVID rises and takes his books, all but one over message, off the c. table, puts them on stand u. Rj and look at the wash right in the middle of the floor. (Rises, L. c., very angry, to JIM.J Whose week is it to put away the wash? JIM. Yours, my bright-eyed buckoo. GEORGE. (Sits B. L. of T. c., starts looking through the wash.) All right. Where s the list? (TiM gets the list which is pinned on wall below bureau.) Hullo, Dave, you ve been getting a new undershirt. DAVID. (Proudly) Two. (Puts papers on floor, back of easy chair.) JIM. Spendthrift. (TiM goes to GEORGE pins the list on his coat. TIM exits to kitchen.) GEORGE. (Snatches the list off his coat. Holding up ragged socks.) For heaven s sake, Jim, do you waste our money having socks like that washed? (He throws them on floor L. c.) JIM. (Rises snatching them up) No, you don t. W hat s the matter with those socks ? The holes are all below shoe-level except one, and I paint my heel under that. (Going up to bureau, puts them in drawer.) My best dancing socks. DAVID. (Sits easy chair.) I suppose you can get another job, George. GEORGE. (Looking through the wash) Oh, I guess so I never wanted to be an accountant, any how. That was all my family s bright idea. JIM. (Leaning against front of bureau) Oh, your family. Where did the idea ever creep in that a family is a blessing? GEORGE. What s the matter with all of us, any how? Why can t any of us get along? (Rises, picks up the basket, goes up to bureau.) I m going i8 THE CHARM SCHOOL to ask Austin. (JiM is in his way, leaning against the front of the bureau. GEORGE grabs him by the scruff of the neck and pushes him aside.) He ll know. JIM. Yes, and he ll certainly tell us. (Enter AUSTIN door L V carrying overcoat and wearing a cap. The custom of the house is not to exchange greetings. Almost seated in chair u. L. c.) Oh, Austin, got any money? AUSTIN. Any what? JIM. (Goes to him) Any money, you know; you must have seen it. AUSTIN. Not that I can remember. (Lays coat on chair L V crosses to chair c. DAVID rises.) JIM. (L. c.) Gee, that s tough! There s not much to eat in the house. Thought you were going to dine out to-night with the Rolles. AUSTIN. So did I, but Mrs. Rolles thought dif ferently. (Looks at DAVID, who comes to R. of chair c. AUSTIN sits chair c.) DAVID. (R. of chair c.) Is there anything wrong, Austin? AUSTIN. You bet there is. She came out into the open to-day. She s forbidden me the house. JIM. (L. c., goes to chair up L. c.) The motherly old dear! ( GEORGE is below bureau, folding an undershirt, which he holds in front of him, the last piece he has put the rest into the drawers.) DAVID. What did Susie say ? AUSTIN. Absolutely nothing. JIM. (About to sit chair u. L. c.) Ha (GEORGE hits him on the head with the undershirt, then puts it in drawer. JIM sits.) THE CHARM SCHOOL 19 DAVID. Austin, what happened ? AUSTIN. I suppose I wasn t very tactful. (GEORGE sits on bench L. of T.C.) It began by Mrs. Rolles saying to me as if she were saying "What fine weather we are having" "The trouble with you, Mr. Bevans, is that you re the least little bit vulgar." Good said I, "I knew there was some thing nice about me. And anyhow," said I, "I should think Susie could forgive my being a little vulgar, if I could forgive her being so darned re fined." That made the old lady angry, and she ex plained how I wasn t a suitable match for her daugh ter from any point of view. "What are you ?" said she. "An automobile salesman!" and if she had said I was a crawling worm she couldn t have felt worse about it. I told her I had a feeling I was going to make a lot of money some day. "Oh, in deed," said she. "Well, you can t support a wife on that feeling, can you?" Well, I let that pass, and told her how awfully in love I am with Susie. "Yes," said she, "and in six months from now you will be awfully in love with some one else. Men" and this was a nasty one (The boys all lean for ward expectantly) "Men are never constant to the unattainable." I told her I wouldn t agree that Susie was unattainable until Susie had told me so her self. "Well, that was too bad, because Susie was out." I knew that was a lie, so I just stepped into the hall and yelled "Susie !" at the top of my lungs. She came down, all right. DAVID. ( R. of chair c. ) What did she say ? AUSTIN. Oh, she said a lot of things, of nice things, but the truth is, she sticks by her mother. DAVID. I m afraid (Hand on his shoulder) it s just a question of money with Mrs. Rolles. (GEORGE pats AUSTIN on back, absent-mindedly.) AUSTIN. (Rising, crosses toward chair L. GEORGE takes AUSTIN S cap off as he passes and throws it 20 THE CHARM SCHOOL to JIM, who is sitting on chair u. L. c.) I d go a good way on the downward path to have some at this moment. (AUSTIN sits chair L.) Gee, isn t the world rottenly arranged ! GEORGE. I should say it is. (Sits chair c.) DAVID. Aye, aye ! (Sits chair c.) AUSTIN. By the time I m an old man I shall probably have all the money I want, and I d gladly sell the last twenty years of my life for a good in come at this very moment. DAVID. (Sitting easy chair) Austin, George has lost his job. (GEORGE glares at him, throws leg over arm of chair.) AUSTIN. Ha ! GEORGE. (Pointing at JIM,) And the Twins al lowance is stopped. AUSTIN. Trying to cheer me up? (Looks at JIM, who is sitting on chair u. L. c v absent-mindedly fumbling with AUSTIN S cap. AUSTIN rises, takes cap from JIM. Peevishly) Must you do that? (JiM rises, goes to window u. L. AUSTIN puts cap on, goes to chair L.) GEORGE. (Rises, goes to him) Say, Austin, I want to ask you what s the matter with all of us? Now, here we are, young JIM. ^L. of piano) And beautiful. (TiM enters from kitchen, stays at door.) GEORGE. Why is it none of us can get along? AUSTIN. Don t you know, George? GEORGE. No. AUSTIN. Because we re young, George, and the world is run by old people. (With feeling. Going up L.C. Xes about to table U.R V takes two cans of tobacco there and pipe.) Dam em. I sometimes THE CHARM SCHOOL 21 wish there wasn t anyone alive over sixty. (GEORGE moves to commode L.) TIM. (Dodging AUSTIN) Sixty! Ha! You re liberal. (Xes, takes the ukulele from mantel sits chair R. fingering the strings softly. GEORGE puts AUSTIN S coat on chair above door L. then sits, chair L.) JIM. (Goes to chair u.L.cJ I offer one per fectly good father to the general massacre. (Sits.) AUSTIN. (Coming to U.L. of T. fills pipe.) It s a conspiracy of old age to keep us down. In the first place, we re educated all wrong GEORGE. Eh ! AUSTIN. That s part of the game they keep us from starting to earn our living as late as they pos sibly can. Then they advise us all wrong. As soon as we show any particular ability along any line, they rush in and make us do something entirely dif ferent. Just look at me. There s George, he wanted to be a violinist and what is he an accountant. ( GEORGE lighting cigarette, and swings his legs over u. arm of chair.) David wanted to be a farmer and he s studying law. (DAVID kicks book off table.) I don t know what you want, Twins TIM and JIM. We want to marry an heiress. AUSTIN. I guess it would take two of you to do it Well, see what happens. (Sits on L. of table c.) Your father cuts your allowance, so that you have to wear cheap ties like that one of Jim s, (DAVID rises R. of s.R.j which no heiress would tolerate for an instant. JIM. (Rises shows AUSTIN tie) It s a very smart tie AUSTIN. It s a rotten tie, Jim. (JiM sits chair u.L.cJ And here I am, wanting to be a teacher. GEORGE. A teacher! AUSTIN. What am I ? An automobile salesman. (Throws cap on JIM.) 22 THE CHARM SCHOOL DAVID. (Filling his pipe from one of AUSTIN S cans of tobacco) Now, do you think you d have made a good teacher, Austin? AUSTIN. I know perfectly well I would. Why, David, education is the most interesting subject in the world and there s more fake about it than about anything else. All you have to do is to think nat urally about it. Now, what are the two most im portant things to us all? I ll tell you earning a living and falling in love. GEORGE. Eh ! DAVID. Ba ! (Sits B.R. of T.C .) AUSTIN. Does education teach us either of these ? No. JIM. Do you think you need to be educated to fall in love? AUSTIN. You have to be educated to fall in love right to say nothing of needing education to make yourself attractive. Now, I ask you I took a course in astronomy a lot of bunk about the motion of stars. Wouldn t it have been more useful if I had taken a course in the psychology of women? (Puts pipe in his mouth.) Then I d have known how to talk to Mrs. Rolles this afternoon. ^ JIM. (Sitting chair up L.C .) I m taking a prac tical course in that every day. AUSTIN. And as for girls (TwiNS attention) as for the education of girls, that s the most inter esting subject of all. An old aunt of mine had a school for girls. JIM. Oh, you lucky dog. AUSTIN. Oh, she wouldn t let me go near the place. I never wanted to. She deliberately set out to educate those girls to be as unattractive as pos sible. DAVID. Now, how did she go about it? AUSTIN. She made them slick their hair down, wear a sort of uniform, and she taught them mathe- THE CHARM SCHOOL 23 matics and Latin, and all the things they don t need to know. That s the conspiracy to keep young peo ple learning the wrong things as long as they pos sibly can in the meantime the old people run every thing to suit themselves. GEORGE. It s true too true. ("AUSTIN rises replaces the two cans of tobacco on R.U.R. takes the pack of cards from the table, comes back to L. of T.c.J JIM. (Rises, comes down L.cJ Well, what are we going to do about it? DAVID. (Rises) I tell you what you are going to do, Jim, you re going to get dinner. JIM. Ah, the legal mind. What a help it is. Come on, Tim. (Exits to kitchen. TIM rises, DAVID takes the ukulele from him, moves him toward kitchen. TIM exits into kitchen. DAVID places the ukulele on mantel.) GEORGE. (Sees a book still on the table, starts to throw it to DAVID, who quickly takes it, showing the paper under it. GEORGE picks up the paper) Hullo call Homer Johns ! Well, I must say, David, I do think you might give me my messages here s an important one from Homer Johns DAVID. Do you know him? GEORGE. Of course I know him. DAVID. Then tell him not to shout so over the telephone. , GEORGE. He s one of the biggest lawyers in New York, besides being a director in the bank where I am was, and you leave it kicking about. DAVID. (Taking paper from GEORGE hands it to AUSTIN ) It isn t for you, George. It s for Aus tin. GEORGE. For Austin? Do you know Homer Johns ? 24 THE CHARM SCHOOL AUSTIN. Never saw him. I used to hear my aunt talk of him. GEORGE. Of course it s for me. Dave, got it wrong-. He s an old friend of my family s. I don t mind telling you fellows (Rises, carefully closes the kitchen door, down L.C .) though I wouldn t mention it to the Twins, that I hope some day to marry his niece. AUSTIN. His niece! GEORGE. Elise Benedotti. AUSTIN. Does he know that, George? GEORGE. ("L. of B.L.J No, not yet. DAVID. (At E. chair) Does she know it? (Sits on arm of easy chair.) GEORGE. Oh, I guess Elise has a pretty good idea about it. Girls are awfully quick, you know. I ask her to marry me every time I see her ! AUSTIN. Does she always refuse you, George? GEORGE. (Boastingly) No she never refuses. She just says: "George, I can t give you any idea how much you bore me." I don t call that a re fusal. (DAVID slides into chair.) AUSTIN. Well, I couldn t consider it exactly en couraging, George. GEORGE. Now, I don t know I m not so sure about that. Girls, you know, don t like to show their feelings. (Sits bench L. of T.C. throws paper on T.C.) AUSTIN. (Rises, places cards on bureau, comes down L.cJ Bunk, my dear fellows all bunk! If girls want you they grab you. If they don t grab you, they don t want you. GEORGE. (Shocked is sitting on B.L. of T.C.) Oh, no, Austin, not the nice ones. AUSTIN. (L. of GEORGE,) You talk as if it wasn t nice to be human. GEORGE. I don t believe it is for a girl. JIM. (Putting his head in at the door and THE CHARM SCHOOL 25 wearing a kitchen apron) How do you want the potatoes ? AUSTIN. ("L.C .) Fried ! DAVID. Boiled ! GEORGE. Mashed ! ( DAVID starts to speak too slow.) JIM. Good. They are mashed. (Exits kitchen.) AUSTIN. Why did you ask us then? JIM. Oh, just to please you. (Goes back into the kitchenette.) DAVID. (Going to R. of chair c. Taking the let ter from his hip pocket) Oh, Austin, this came a little while ago. AUSTIN. What ? (Comes down L.C. Crosses to L. of F. of chair c. takes the letter.) DAVID. A special delivery. GEORGE. (Tries to see letter then stands on chair c. looking over AUSTIN S shoulder at the en velope) From a firm of attorneys. JIM. (Entering kitchen door) Oh, joy, oh, rapture unrefined. We ve found a melon and a grapefruit in the icebox. The melon s rotten and the grapefruit s green, but such as they arc ^GEORGE has grabbed cushion from B.R. of i.e. throws it at JIM, who disappears closing the door "bang." GEORGE and DAVID stand watch ing AUSTIN as he reads.) GEORGE. (Turning to AUSTIN,) Well? AUSTIN. (Rather solemn) Well, what do you think ? DAVID. (R. of chair c.) What is it, man? AUSTIN. Well, what do you know about this DAVID. What? AUSTIN. I ve inherited the school. 26 THE CHARM SCHOOL DAVID. An automobile school? AUSTIN. A girl s boarding school ! GEORGE. A what? AUSTIN. A girls boarding school. GEORGE. A what? AUSTIN. (Crossing to chair R.) You heard me the first time. GEORGE. Yes, I know, but when I say, "A what?" I mean "how peculiar." DAVID. ( Goes to AUSTIN S Lj Who is it from, Austin ? AUSTIN. From Johns. It seems he was my aunt s lawyer, says the property consists of about seven acres, with two large buildings capable of housing fifty pupils with teaching staff and ser vants quarters small cottage where my aunt her self used to live tennis courts, swimming pool, vegetable and flower gardens oh, this is not so good Uh! (Sits chair R. GEORGE jumps down and hurries to L. of DAVID. Read.) "Unfortunately of late years, Mrs. Bevans has been expending such large sums on betterments that the property is heav ily mortgaged, and the fixed charges almost equal the gross income." (The smoke is blown into AUS TIN S face. GEORGE and DAVID lean forward to see the letter. AUSTIN looks at them, they straighten up.) "The holder of the mortgage, however, is a gentleman whose personal interest in the school would lead him to make the most favorable ar rangements consistent with his own interests. We should advise you to confer with us at once in refer ence to continuing the school along the lines he thinks best." Along the lines he thinks best ! (To them.) How about along the lines / think best? GEORGE. Why should anyone leave a girl s school to you ? AUSTIN. She didn t leave it to me. She died without a will, and I m next of kin. THE CHARM SCHOOL 27 DAVID. (Crossing F.U. to kitchen door. Shout ing) Twins ! Twins ! Come in here ! ( JIM and TIM enter, both wearing kitchen aprons JIM c. of door TIM is R. and above JIM.) Austin has in herited a school. (^GEORGE again leans forward to see the letter, then goes to table c., puts 1 cigarette in ash tray.) JIM. (L. of DAVIDJ Oh, quit your kidding. Can t you see we re busy? (Turns to go out.) DAVID. (At R. of door, stops them) No, it s true. He s inherited that school from his aunt. JIM. (L. of TiMj What kind of a school? DAVID. A young ladies boarding school. JIM and TIM. (On same cue with JIM sing as they cross) Good night Ladies. Good night La dies. JIM. (Crossing to L. of AUSTIN TIM on AUS TIN S R. DAVID goes to R. of chair c. GEORGE to R. of T.C.) Congratulations, old man. (AUSTIN rises Crosses to R.cJ Well, next to inheriting the Sultan s harem DAVID. (Stopping AUSTIN ) Austin, pity it isn t a boys school. Then you could be a teacher at last. AUSTIN. Think I couldn t teach girls? GEORGE. (R. of T.C.) Of course you could, Aus tin. (Goes to chair above T.C. Sits.) TIM. (Going to R. of GEORGE,) Sure JIM. (At chair R.) Of course he could only maybe not the thing their parents would want them to learn. AUSTIN. Jim! (Crosses L.C.) DAVID. (R. of chair c.) Do you think there s any money in it, Austin? AUSTIN. Money in it ! You bet there is. There s nothing the great American public laps up like edu cation, properly presented. I believe I could make 28 THE CHARM SCHOOL the Fairview School for girls one of the most paying investments (TiM R. of chair c.) GEORGE. (Rising hurries dozvn between table c. and bench L. to AUSTIN interrupting) What! Hold on. Did you say the Fairview School? AUSTIN. (L.C.) Yes, that was my aunt s name for it silly name, too. GEORGE. (R. of AUSTIN ) But that s where Elise goes. DAVID. (R. of chair c.) Mr. Johns niece ? GEORGE. Yes, and my sister Sally. AUSTIN. Your sister goes there? Why, George, you must know all about it. Sit down and tell me everything you know (^GEORGE sits B.L. DAVID sits chair c. JIM stands L.R. of T.C., resting his knee on the bench. TIM sits on R. of R.c.J GEORGE. Oh, I ve never been near the place. AUSTIN. (Standing L. of GEORGE,) But you must have heard the girls talk about it. What did they say? GEORGE. Oh, they say the usual things people say about their own school. , AUSTIN. What sort of things ? Do try and think, George. GEORGE. (Trying hard to remember) Well, they said it was rotten. AUSTIN. What was? GEORGE. Everything. AUSTIN. They must have mentioned some spe cial things. What did they talk about most? GEORGE. The food. AUSTIN. What did they say about it? GEORGE. They said it was rotten. AUSTIN. Didn t they say anything about the teachers ? THE CHARM SCHOOL 29 GEORGE. Yes, they said they were rotten. AUSTIN. Which ones? GEORGE. All of them except Miss Hays. AUSTIN. Who is Miss Hays? GEORGE. I don t know women, but I think she must be the rottenest of all. One of these women who goes around making fun of men. I don t think girls should be allowed to make fun of men, do you? ^AUSTIN goes toward chair L.) TIM and JIM. (Indignantly) Certainly not. JIM. Come on, Tim, let s finish dinner. (They X.A. exit kitchen.) DAVID. Making fun of men is the privilege of old maids, isn t it? GEORGE. Miss Hays isn t so awfully old, and be sides, she s been married. AUSTIN. (Comes back to GEORGE,) W T hy does she call herself Miss Hays, then? GEORGE. Because my mother told me, only of course, the girls are not supposed to know they say, she s been divorced. AUSTIN. (L. of B.L.J Divorced? Why, I don t think I want a divorced woman teaching my girls GEORGE. Your girls ? It s my girl you re talking about. AUSTIN. (Crossing R.) I believe I ll take a run up there to-morrow and look the property over. DAVID. (Rises, above settee. Follows AUSTIN ) I wouldn t go there, if I were you, Austin, a good- looking young fellow like you. ^GEORGE rises to window up R.C. JIM enters kitchen, carrying the dinner on a tray.) (BELL) 30 THE CHARM SCHOOL JIM. Victual s up, gents, dinner is served. (The doorbell rings off L.) DAVID. (Turns to chair E.) Answer the bell, Jim, will you? JIM. You re no cripple, are you, Dave? DAVID. (Going to the door) I ve been doing it all day. JIM. Then you must do it very well by now. (DAVID opens the door L. JOHNS enters.) JOHNS. Well, this is a nice place to live. Haven t you any elevator ? DAVID. No. JOHNS. Is this Mr. Austin Bevans? DAVID. No, it is not ! JOHNS. It s not an insult to be taken for Mr. Bevans, is it ? Or isn t it ? DAVID. Well, I JOHNS. Is he in, or isn t he? GEORGE. (Hurries to JOHNS, shakes hands) How do you do, Mr. Johns ? (DAVID Crosses above to easy chair after closing door.) JOHNS. Hullo, George, is this where you live? GEORGE. Yes, sir. JOHNS. Is Bevans in? AUSTIN. (Coming forward to R. of chair c.) I am Austin Bevans, sir. JOHNS. (Crossing to F. and L. of B.L. GEORGE to L.c.j You! Good heavens. You own a girls school? ("DAVID is R.c.2.) Well, well, well. (He laughs heartily, while AUSTIN remains perfectly grave.) How did you feel when you heard about THE CHARM SCHOOL 31 your inheritance, something like the man who in herited a white elephant, eh ? AUSTIN. No, Mr. Johns, not at all like that. JOHNS. (L.C.I.; Well, it s all right. I ll help you out. I ll take it off your hands. As a matter of fact, I practically own it, anyhow AUSTIN. (Crossing to JOHNS; You own my school ? JOHNS. Yes, I have a mortgage of $35,000 on it, and the property isn t worth more than thirty at the outside. DAVID. (Comes down R.cJ Now, how s that? I d like to ask you, sir (AUSTIN and JOHNS look at him.) I m a lawyer myself why should you, a businessman, lend more money on a piece of prop erty than it s worth? AUSTIN. (F. of E.L.) Yes, Mr. MacKenzie is right. Why? JOHNS. (Crossing to L. of DAVID) Well er matter of friendship. DAVID. Friendship ! JOHNS. Yes, my niece is at the school has been there ever since she came under my charge, and then I ve always had a great respect for the lady who is second in command there Miss Hays I didn t want the school to close but I had no idea the extravagant program that Mrs. Bevans was start ing on why, she used the money to fit the place up like a palace folly, sir, folly but Miss Hays is much more sensible. Under her management AUSTIN. (L. of chair c.) Sit down, Mr. Johns. fALL start to offer him a seat. AUSTIN the chair c. as he does not take it, AUSTIN pushes it up to table out of the way. GEORGE the chair L. JIM the chair u.c. stands A.L. of T.C. DAVID the chair R.J I d like to discuss this with you. JOHNS. (R. of chair c.) Not worth while. Only 32 THE CHARM SCHOOL take a minute to say what I have to say. Just want to put you out of your agony AUSTIN. (L. of chair c.) I haven t been in any agony. JOHNS. It s all right, Miss Hays is a college woman she s giving the girls a splendid education taking all the nonsense out of them making em sensible and husky. Now this is my proposition I won t foreclose and you won t interfere. If we go on losing money, I ll pay the bills. If we make any (Quickly.) which isn t likely, I ll go shares with you. That s pretty liberal. You approve of that, I sup pose? AUSTIN. (L. of chair c. firmly) No, Mr. Johns, I don t approve. JOHNS. (R. of chair c.) What do you mean? DAVID. Why, man ? GEORGE. (At chair L.) Why, Austin! AUSTIN. I don t approve of that idea of educa tion. I don t want the nonsense taken out of girls. fJoHNS looks at him.) No man does. I don t want them educated to be sensible, and husky. JOHNS. Well, bless my soul, how do you want them to be educated? AUSTIN. (Calmly) I want them educated to be charming. JOHNS. Charming? AUSTIN. Yes, charming charming in the best sense well-mannered, low-voiced, well-dressed, feminine, able to meet all situations. That s what we all want girls to be why not educate them to be it? JOHNS. (R. and F. of chair c.) You can t teach em those things. AUSTIN. (F. and L. of chair c.) You can t, maybe. My aunt couldn t. Perhaps that s why she left the school to me. THE CHARM SCHOOL 33 JOHNS. She didn t leave it to you if she had she should have spent the best of her days in a luna tic asylum. AUSTIN. You think I m not a fit person to run a girls school ? JOHNS. You re about the most unfit I ever saw. AUSTIN. There you re wrong. I am fitted to run a school much better fitted than my aunt was, first, because I am a businessman JOHNS. What! AUSTIN. Don t interrupt, please. Now the great principle which has made the success of the press and the theater has never been applied to educa tion JOHNS. What principle do you mean? AUSTIN. The principle of giving your public what it wants. JOHNS. Giving the girls what they want? AUSTIN. No, no one cares about the girls the parents the parents are my public. JOHNS. Your public? DAVID. (R.C.I.) Austin, you don t mean you ll ever go near the place yourself? AUSTIN. Not go near it, Dave. I shall live there and direct it just as my aunt did, but not in the same direction. JIM. (A.L. of T.C.) Why, Austin, your face would wreck a thousand ladies seminaries. DAVID. (R.C.I.) Who ever heard of a man of your age running a girls school ? AUSTIN. Dave, you ought to get over the idea that because a thing is new it s wrong. JOHNS. But what do you know about education? AUSTIN. Nothing at all, just like everybody else. (Tunis to L.cJ JOHNS. (Crossing to AUSTINJ Now, wait a minute, wait a minute, young man. Do you think 34 THE CHARM SCHOOL that any parent who had ever seen you would send a girl to your school ? AUSTIN. Yes, I do, Mr. Johns, for it is to par ents that I should especially appeal. Sit down, Mr. Johns. ( JOHNS laughs. GEORGE sits, chair L. DAVID sits arm of easy chair. JIM stands up L. of T.C. AUSTIN takes the chair up L.C V brings it down, stands holding its back, L. of JOHNS. ) Now what is it that every parent who sends a girl to boarding- school really wants? JOHNS. (Sits F. of B.L., puts hat on chair c.) To get rid of her. AUSTIN. Very true but that s not all. It s no good to get rid of her for four or five years and then have her back on their hands forever. Parents want girls made into attractive women they don t dare say this they talk a lot of bunk about cultivation and womanliness, but what they really mean is at tractiveness they want their daughters to be charm ing and have beaux that mean business JOHNS. Eh ! AUSTIN. Of course, they do. Well, my scheme is to meet the parents half-way. To come boldly and say that the object of my school is to teach charm. And, by Heavens ! I ll teach em have em taught, that is. ( AUSTIN replaces the chair, holds it for a moment.) JOHNS. By constant personal contact with the pupils ? AUSTIN. (Coming to L. of JOHNS J On the con trary I shall hold myself aloof. I shall be an un seen power. Of course, I shall address the as sembled school now and then. Because you see that when an old woman like my aunt told them to stand up straight and lower their voices, they didn t pay much attention, to her, but when a young man of my age says it or suppose I get Jack Barry more to come and lecture on the drama, and he mentions THE CHARM SCHOOL 35 that Juliet s voice was low and thrilling, you bet the voices of the school will be a lot lower and thrillinger at once. Or if Lucille or some other great dress maker told them how much better good clothes look on a straight back than a crooked one, they d stand up straight. Do you see ? Do you get my idea ? JOHN. Yes. I think I get your idea. But one objection occurs to me. School girls are notoriously silly creatures. Suppose they all took it into their heads to fall in love with you your appearance, you know if I may say so AUSTIN. Since you ask me, I think it would be better taste not to mention it. JOHNS. Well, all right, take it on the score of age, then, you re rather young to run a girls school. GEORGE. I should say he is. AUSTIN. It s a question of character, not age. I ve known a lot of old men I shouldn t care to trust in my school. JOHNS. (Looks at him) Eh ! AUSTIN. But as a matter of fact, I m not a man who inspires affection. JOHNS. You surprise me. DAVID. (Rises) You are, man, you are. AUSTIN. Thank you, David. ( DAVID sits again, arm of easy chair.) And anyhow, I m only doing it because I m in love with another girl, and am in hopes of getting enough money to marry her before her mother finds a better match for her daughter. JOHNS. Oh, I see AUSTIN. But supposing you re right and one of them did fall in love with me. All the better. We should simply sublimate her emotion into love of her work. JOHNS. You d what ? AUSTIN. Sublimate her emotion not familiar with the works of Freud? JOHNS. Never heard of him. 36 THE CHARM SCHOOL AUSTIN. Mercy, what a sheltered life you ve led ! Well, the point is that if one of the girls should de velop a sentiment, I d make her work all the harder for it. JOHNS. I see. Pass her college examinations for love of you ? AUSTIN. College ! I shouldn t allow my girls to go to college. JOHNS. The Fairview School has always made a specialty of college examinations. AUSTIN. Yes, and look at the mortgage on it. JOHNS. Do you think you know more about edu cation than people who have given their lives to it? AUSTIN. I know more about girls than a lot of old women do. JOHNS. Miss Hays isn t old. AUSTIN. Miss Hays? JOHNS. Yes. The lady I spoke of the lady I wish left in charge. AUSTIN. Now, you see, Mr. Johns, I don t ask you to lend me money to carry out these ideas . . . JOHNS. No, you have some glimmerings left. AUSTIN. But what I do ask is this that you leave your money in the school for a time, and that you won t withdraw your niece fJoHNS looks at him suspiciously.) At least, till the end of the term. JOHNS. (Suspicious quickly) Did you ever see my niece? AUSTIN. No, no, she s nothing but a pupil to me . . . but it d be a terrible black eye to the new man agement if you such a prominent patron of the school . . . JOHNS. (Looking at him) Eh? AUSTIN. Were to be the first to remove a pupil. DAVID. (Rises, earnestly) Austin, for goodness* sake, give up this idea. Let Mr. Johns take over THE CHARM SCHOOL 37 the school. You can t lose anything- and you may make a dollar or two. (Comes down R.cJ ( JOHNS looks at DAVID approving.) AUSTIN. Dave, there isn t anything anyone could say could make me give it up. JOHNS. (Rises to R. of AUSTIN,) All right, young man, all right, you re a fine salesman and a good talker. We ll go along your own lines. I ll leave my niece. GEORGE. (Rises) I wouldn t do that if I were you, sir. JOHNS. How about your sister Sally, George? GEORGE. Oh, it s all right about Sally, but I don t want Austin teaching Elise. JOHNS. (To AUSTIN ) This is my new proposi tion : I ll leave my niece and I ll leave my money on two conditions. AUSTIN. Good what are they ? JOHNS. First, that no one falls in love with you. AUSTIN. I guarantee that absolutely. GEORGE. I don t see how you can guarantee a thing like that. JIM. CU.L. of i.e.) Speaking for myself that would be impossible. JOHNS. Remember that if anyone falls in love with you, I ll foreclose. AUSTIN. If one of the girls did fall in love with me, it would ruin the school! Well, you bet your life I won t let that happen. What s your other condition? JOHNS. That you retain Miss Hays as second in command. AUSTIN. Oh, I don t know about that. JOHNS. (Beginning to be angry) What do you mean? What objection have you to Miss Hays? 38 THE CHARM SCHOOL You have to have some woman there. I suppose even you will admit that. AUSTIN. Yes. I must have a woman in charge. But I m not sure that she would be the best. JOHNS. What have you got against Miss Hays? AUSTIN. She s not a relative of yours, is she? JOHNS. Well, she s a sort of connection by mar riage. AUSTIN. Well, I understand that she has been divorced. JOHNS. (Bursting out) Well, what if she has? Are you going to hold it against a woman if she was once silly enough to allow herself to be teased into marrying a bad-tempered cuss that no one could get along with? AUSTIN. You knew her husband then? JOHNS. Yes, I know a lot about him. AUSTIN. And you think it was all his fault? JOHNS. Yes, I do (A slight pause.) Al most all. AUSTIN. The question is would that have a good influence on my girls? GEORGE. (Standing at chair Lj Your girls! JOHNS. (Suddenly chuckling) Well, it might have a very good influence on her. AUSTIN. On her? JOHNS. To have a male boss for a few months. AUSTIN. A few months? JOHNS. You don t suppose you are going to last longer than the end of the term, do you? AUSTIN. Mr. Johns, I expect to live and die as the successful principal of the Fairview School for girls! (Walks firmly to the telephone on bureau.) ( JOHNS gestures "Hopeless." Crosses to chair R V sits. DAVID crosses up R.C. to R. of AUSTIN .) GEORGE. What are you going to do, Austin? THE CHARM SCHOOL 39 AUSTIN. (In phone) Hullo Central! Are all the wrong numbers busy? Well, get me Western Union, please. (During the following conversation he sends his message.) Western Union? This is Grammercy 4442 Fairview School, Westchester County. Will arrive to-morrow morning to inspect the School. Signed Austin Bevans Repeat that message, please. (When JOHNS speaks, "Oh, Mr. Bevans " ) And charge it to this number, etc. (End of message.) JIM. Oh, come on, don t let the food get cold. (Exits to kitchen, carries plate.) DAVID. (To JOHNS,) Mr. Johns, you re a sen sible man, won t you make Austin drop these plans of his ? ("GEORGE Crosses to L. of DAVID J JOHNS. For the Charm School? DAVID. Yes, you don t mean you think he can make a success of it? JOHNS. Certainly not, Mr. McKensie, but when an obstinate man has got hold of something that you want yourself, sometimes the quickest way to get it away from him is to let him ruin it his own way. GEORGE. (L. of DAVID) But you don t really ap prove of Austin having the instruction of a girl like Elise. (Quickly apologising.) Of course, it s noth ing to me, Mr. Johns JOHNS. Oh, no, of course not, George, but why don t you apply for a job there yourself? fJiM en ters kitchen to L.C. TIM follows in to L. of bench L.) Girls ought to understand ho\v to balance a check-book. (Rises. Going to L. of chair c. GEORGE sits F. of bench R.) Oh, Mr. Bevans. AUSTIN. And charge it to Grammercy 4442 40 THE CHARM SCHOOL No, I m not stuttering, 4442. (Hangs up receiver, conies down L.C.J ("DAVID goes above table c. sits.) JOHNS. I was just saying, that you ought to get George to give a course in household accounting. Women should understand such things. AUSTIN. (-L. of JOHNS,) Yes. They certainly ought. JIM. (To L. of AUSTIN,) Oh, Austin, if you give George a job, when I need one so terrifically. AUSTIN. (Crossing to mantel) Nothing doing, Jim. JIM. (L. of JOHNS ) Oh, Mr. Johns, speak to him. We need a job worse than anybody else. TIM. (To R. of JOHNS ) Our father has stopped our allowance until we find one. JOHNS. (Crossing to L. of AUSTIN, R.cJ Come now, Mr. Bevans, aren t you a little inconsistent to refuse your friends? If girls are to learn charm, so much better from you than from your aunt, why shouldn t they learn (Turns to TWINS.,) what is it you teach, young gentlemen? JIM. (L. of TIM) I am a dancing instructor. TIM. (F. of B.Lj And I am amateur tennis champion of Poughkeepsie, and I play the ukulele! JOHNS. Poughkeepsie the Smith Brothers with out the beards. (R.C.) There you are, dancing, athletics, and the ukulele from these young men. AUSTIN. ("&.) Ah, you re none of you serious, but I am. JOHNS. (Looks at him) By Gad, I believe you are. AUSTIN. You bet I am. I m going there to morrow to take over the entire management. JOHNS. (Chuckling) I wish I could be there. THE CHARM SCHOOL 41 AUSTIN. I wish you could. I wish you d come with me. JOHNS. Oh, no. (Seriously.) I can t do that. (A slight pause.) How ll you go about it? AUSTIN. I shall have the whole school assem bled, and make them a short address describing my aims and methods. Then I shall have a little chat with the teachers, make up my mind which will be suitable to my ideas JOHNS. (Chuckling) I d give ten years to be there. AUSTIN. Why don t you come and introduce me? JOHNS. By George! I believe I will! I ll tell you what I ll do. I ll motor you up. I ll call for you to-morrow morning at 9 : 30. AUSTIN. Right, 9: 30. (The bell rings off I.) DAVID. Answer the bell, Jim, since you re up. TIM. (Hastily sitting down) But I m not up, Dave. (On F. of B.L. of T.C.) (]IM slides up L.C. out of the way. DAVTD Crosses above to D.L.J GEORGE. (To L. of JOHNS) I can go with you, too, Austin, look over the books and give you some idea of your financial position. JOHNS. Why, he hasn t got any financial posi tion. ( DAVID opens door.) AUSTIN. (R.) But I will have. (Goes to man tel) (As soon as the TWINS see ELISE they show sur prise, they slip the aprons off. JIM S on chair 42 THE CHARM SCHOOL U.L.C. TIM rises L. of T.C., drops his apron there. DAVID opens door L. Steps back, puts on coat, then closes door. ELISE is standing there. She is small, very gentle, and hides under timidity the will of iron.) ELISE. I beg your pardon. (Timidly.) Is Mr. Johns here? GEORGE. (Turns, sees ELISE, crosses eagerly to her, hand outstretched, JOHNS comes to c.) Why, Elise! ELISE. Hello, George! (TWINS take a good look at GEORGE S sweetheart.) JOHNS, (x. to L.C. Peering at her) What are you doing here? ELISE. Oh! Uncle, (Crossing toward JOHNS.) I ve been waiting hours and hours downstairs in the motor the chauffeur said he was to meet you here at six. JOHNS. Why aren t you at school where you be long? ELISE. Well, I thought I d like to go to the thea ter to-night, uncle darling. JOHNS. There must be fine discipline at your school. ELISE. There isn t any, when Miss Hays is away. JOHNS. Where is Miss Hays? ELISE. She s gone home for a few days. JOHNS. Gone home! ELISE. Yes, her mother s very, very ill. JOHNS. Hu ! ELISE. And, of course, we can do anything we like with Miss Curtis. AUSTIN. Ah ! JOHNS. (Beginning to shout) Well, you can t do anything you like with me. THE CHARM SCHOOL 43 ELISE. Oh, yes, I can. JOHNS. You ll go straight back there to-night. ELISE. Oh, no, no, no, not to-night, (Patting his cheeks.) Uncle darling. JOHNS. By the next train. I never heard such nonsense. GEORGE. (Steps forward) Oh, do please let her stay, Mr. Johns, and we ll all go to the movies. TIM and JIM. (Come forward, to L. of JOHNS,) Ah, please do, Mr. Johns. JOHNS. (Crossing to DAVID L.I.) Mr. McKen- sie, what do you think of this? ( ELISE follows to R. of JOHNS.,) DAVID. (Solemnly) Well, I think in principle the young lady ought to go back to her school. (The BOYS glare at DAVID for suggesting such a thing.) ELISE. Oh! Mr. MacKenzie ! (Smiles at DAVID DAVID weakens.) DAVID. But in view of the circumstances, I should make an exception. ELISE. (Beaming on DAVID,) Oh, that is nice of you. (Shakes hands with DAVID J How do you do? (Turns to the TWINS. GEORGE shakes hands with DAVID.,) JOHNS. (Crosses to AUSTIN at mantel ELISE follows him) And what do you think of this? AUSTIN. (Comes down R.C. Very stern) I think she ought to go back. ELISE. (Reproachfully) Oh! (Stamps her foot.) CURTAIN (First Picture:) JOHNS. (Taking his hat) That settles it, back you go! (ELISE remonstrates.) JOHNS hurries her 44 THE CHARM SCHOOL to door L.) No, no. (^GEORGE hurries to door, opens it as JOHNS hurries ELISE out.) CURTAIN (Second Picture:) ^GEORGE, DAVID and the TWINS are grouped around the door looking off. They turn to AUSTIN sitting chair c. he rises, goes R.) CURTAIN (Third Picture:) (The BOYS are grouped L. of chair c. AUSTIN R.C. ELISE and JOHNS enter stand inside door way.) CURTAIN FALLS ACT II SCENE: The main hall of the School in one of the fine old Colonial houses of Wcstchester County, New York. Everything about the set shows the best taste, but executed in a quiet, simple manner. On L. above the return is a fireplace built into the set, about 18 inches above the mantel is a fiat extending across stage to R. On R. above the return is a fireplace built into the set. Both sides of the set below the flat are exactly alike. This flat is divided into three equal sections, by two posts. Two high arches, and the space on the R. contains a glass door which swings down and off, leading into another section of the house and L. of this door a low, broad stair way of six steps running straight up stage to a platform then off to R. There is a high, nar row windozv above platform. Back of the tivo arches c. and L. is a rectangular space about 8 by 20 feet ; in the wall side on L. is a door. Swinging up and off. In the back flat on L. proportioned to the arch L. is a large Colonial glass door, swinging up stage and on, with nar row side windows. The rest of back flat is blank, with a side piece coming down stage to the post R.C. The partition between the stairs and this section of the set. The above glass door is the general entrance from, outside. Above this is a porch and rail backed by a 45 46 THE CHARM SCHOOL landscape drop trees, shrubs, etc., in blossom as it is springtime. The door on L. is backed by an interior backing on R. by an interior backing. SCENE I: Time noon, the following day. SCENE II: About two weeks later. DISCOVERED: Miss CURTIS is at desk L. going over her account book, adding up figures, evi dently very much distressed. As she holds her head in her hands "hopelessly," SALLY enters running down the stairs R. with "The Satur day Evening Post" She stumbles and falls above and to L. of sofa R. On seeing Miss CUR TIS she hides the "Post" behind her. Miss CURTIS. (Startled) Oh, Sally! SALLY, f On her knees U.L. of sofa R.) Shall I be in your way if I study in here, Miss Curtis ? Miss CURTIS. (Not looking up) No, of course not, child. What are you studying, Sally? SALLY. (Selecting a large atlas on sofa R. and settling the magazine inside of it sits on sofa R.J Physical geography, Miss Curtis. (Continues to read her story comes to a very exciting part.) Oh ! Miss CURTIS. Is it so hard, dear? SALLY. Not very. Miss CURTIS. Because if it is, you may bring it to me but don t disturb me if you can help it I m so anxious to get these books in order before Mr. Bevans arrives. SALLY. Too bad he s coming the very day Miss Hays is away. Miss CURTIS. Yes, isn t it? But she ll be here. I telegraphed her yesterday. THE CHARM SCHOOL 47 SALLY. What do you suppose Mr. Bevans will be like, Miss Curtis? Miss CURTIS. I haven t the least idea, Sally, but I m sure of one thing any relation of dear Mrs. Bevans is bound to be a Christian gentleman. SALLY. (Drearily) I m afraid so. (MURIEL and ETHEL enter room R. ETHEL goes to piano and sits. She is wearing very large tur quoise comb in her hair, on R. side. MURIEL to L. of SALLY, looking over her shoulder.) MURIEL. What are you reading, Sally ? I m go ing to tell on you. SALLY. (Driving her away) Shhss shut up ! (ETHEL strikes a low note on piano. Miss CURTIS jumps. MURIEL goes to piano, sits on bench, below ETHEL. They start practicing the scale and singing. Miss CURTIS nearly goes mad. She is holding her head as if it would burst. ELISE appears on stairs and takes in the situa tion. SALLY rises, carrying the Atlas, she also sings the scales, mocking the girls, and crosses to above post L.cJ ELISE. Muriel! Ethel! (R. of them.) You are almost driving poor Miss Curtis mad. (They stop.) Miss CURTIS. (X.F. up to commode) Oh, no, Elise, don t stop them ! It s very silly of me not to be able to work while they practice. MURIEL. (Bobbing her head at ELISE j I ve got to do my scales. Elise. ELISE. Do them in the music room. MURIEL. It s so chilly there. ELISE. That s what a music room is for. (ELISE goes to c. The GIRLS again rim the scales 48 THE CHARM SCHOOL and sing. Three times stop. SALLY goes to sofa L. Lounges on it. Still absorbed in her story.) Miss CURTIS. (Comes down L. of ELISE, who has come to c.) I m so anxious to get these books in order before Mr. Bevans arrives and he may be here any moment now. ELISE. ( R. of Miss CURTIS,) What do you think he ll be like, Miss Curtis? ^SALLY remains reading on sofa L.) Miss CURTIS. I haven t the least idea but do you know whenever I m in doubt I always consult the Bible just open it anywhere and put my finger on a verse. I did it this morning, and what do you suppose the verse was ? ELISE. What was it ? Miss CURTIS. What the Queen of Sheba said to Solomon : (Crosses F. to L. of D.L.J "Verily, the half was not told to me." ( ELISE crosses to sofa R. kneels on it, reaches over to desk R. ETHEL runs scale and sings to show MURIEL the way it should be done.) SALLY. (Dispassionately is lounging on sofa L. ) I suppose you know the furnace man is drunk again, Miss Curtis. Miss CURTIS. (Shocked) Good gracious, Sally, that can t be. SALLY. You mean they can t get it any more. Oh, yes, they can the wise guys. Miss CURTIS. (More firmly) I mean, you shouldn t know anything about such things. SALLY. Well, how can I help knowing about it, THE CHARM SCHOOL 49 when he s been rowing- with the cook all the morning under my window. Ha ! I never heard such names as he called her. ELISE. (Rises and runs to SALLY S Rj Give us a tell? ( SALLY rises, leaves book on sofa L. SALLY whispers it to ELISE. ETHEL, and MURIEL turn to her on bench.) Oh! (Crosses to sofa L., kneels on it.) ETHEL and MURIEL. (Rise, go to SALLY S R.J Tell us! Tell us (SALLY whispers it to them, MURIEL first then to ETHEL.J MURIEL. Tell me ! ETHEL. (Horrified) Did he say that ? Hu ! MURIEL. (Crossing to sofa R. sits) I don t call that anything. My father calls our cook much worse every time dinner is late. (A terrible racket is heard off stage U.L., followed by angry voices. LILLIAN., MADGE and ALIX enter on stairs u.R.J SALLY. (Runs up to door U.L. looks off turns to the GIRLS, delighted) Ha, ha. I guess she got him that time. (Coming down L. of c. Sh Giving them how it was done.) She caught him and shook him and threw him down, then she kicked him. Miss CURTIS. Oh, Sally, Sally, Sally. (Rising) I must go and stop them. I m sure I haven t the least idea what to say. (L.C.) ELISE. Shall we go, Miss Curtis? Miss CURTIS. (Shocked into action, going to door u.L.c.J Certainly not, my dear (Turns.) That wpuld be most improper. (Miss CURTIS exits. ELISE to sofa L. sits. MU RIEL crosses to R. of T.R. Kneels on chair dips pen in ink and shakes ink on floor tries to 50 THE CHARM SCHOOL write again dips pen in ink and repeats the business. MADGE and ALIX cross to sofa R. and sit LILLIAN goes to R. of piano. ETHEL sits piano bench. Song: "Left All Alone Again" Blues Night Boat. MURIEL starts to sing slowly. ETHEL picks it up on piano, other girls slowly come in.) SALLY. >( F. of post L.cJ It seems as if school got rottener every day. ETHEL. (Sitting p.B.J It always seems worse in Spring. MURIEL. (Kneeling on chair R. of D.R.) Cer tainly the food is rottener. SALLY. Food! I haven t seen any real what I call food since I came here. (Slides down sits on floor F. of post L.c.j LILLIAN. (Going to c.$) I shouldn t mind so much, if they taught us anything really useful (To L., whirls about, jumps on u. arm of sofa L.j like a new step in dancing. { ELISE rises sits on top of piano.) (Song: "I Might Be Yours Once in a While.") MADGE. (Rises going to piano) Oh, what s the use of knowing how to dance if there aren t any boys to dance with? (Sits on bench below ETHEL.J ( ETHEL commences to play, the GIRLS sing 16 bars of "I Might Be Yours Once in a While") MURIEL. (Sits chair Rj I feel as if I should die, if I didn t see an attractive man within twenty- four hours. SALLY. Any kind would do me. THE CHARM SCHOOL 51 ALIX. (Sitting on sofa R. to MURIELJ But but but LILLIAN. (On sofa L.J Quiet, there, quiet! (ETHEL stops playing.) Alix is trying to say some thing in English. ( ETHEL slides down on bench, shoves MADGE off. MADGE stands at post R. of piano.) ALIX. But I heard they say in France that que les jeunes filles Americaines the American girls they do not like men. MADGE. (R. of pj Mustn t believe all you hear, Alix. SALLY. Where did you get that stuff ? ETHEL. Alix, why don t you like men? ALIX. (Rises, crosses A. to L. of desk L.) I oh, yee-es I like the men, I like them very, very much ETHEL. So do I like men, a different one every day. (Turns to piano.) SALLY. Ethel, I call that flirting. (Plays.) (MADGE sits sofa R. LILLIAN sits sofa L. SALLY at post L.C. ALIX L. of desk L. MURIEL sits R. of desk R.J ELISE. No, you re all wrong, Sally, that s not flirting (MADGE sofa R V sits. ETHEL starts to play on the piano. ELISE sings.) "WHEN I DISCOVER MY MAN" It is not flirting, you ll agree To take a lot of time and trouble 52 THE CHARM SCHOOL To find the man who will for me Make sorrow half and pleasure double. It seems as though I d changed my mind And loved first one man, then another, But no, I merely try to find The one man worth all the bother. ("SALLY lifts ELISE arm.) REFRAIN : I would not marry Tom or Dick or Harry, Bill or Phil or Larry Oh, no, (Stop.) But oh, it worries me so To pick the right sort of beau (Hum.) He must be like Apollo Not a little Rollo To discover him is my plan And he won t get out of my sight For a night When I discover my man. ELISE. If perchance a man can dance GIRLS. That enhances the romance ELISE. He should make the first advance GIRLS. And they all learnt how in France ELISE. And I rather like them breezy And easy In finance. GIRLS. And if he doesn t fill ELISE. What some people call the bill GIRLS. There are many others will ELISE. You had better wait until You re-discover your lover, Perhaps the new one is the true one. THE CHARM SCHOOL 53 (At finish of dance ALL are sitting on the floor. ELISE c.2 MURIEL R.C.L. MADGE L. of R.c.2. LILLIAN R. of 0.3 SALLY c. above ELISE, ALIX L. of L.C.L. ETHEL L.c.2 .) LILLIAN. (Crawls to ELISEJ I know a school where they have a regular dance with boys every Saturday night. MADGE. I should adore that. LILLIAN. How divine. SALLY. (Crawls forward) Some school. ETHEL. (Crossing above to below SALLYJ I won der if we couldn t introduce that idea here. SALLY. With Miss Hays? I guess not. ETHEL. Oh, no, Sally, with the new principal. Perhaps we could put it over with Mr. Bevans. SALLY. In the long run you can usually put any thing over with a man. ELISE. Particularly an old man. I can do any thing I like with my uncle. SALLY. Hy ! He wouldn t let you stay in town last night. ELISE. Oh, that wasn t my uncle. That was a most wonderful man. GIRLS. (Ad lib, crawl forward) Who was it? LILLIAN. What s his name? ELISE. I don t know his name. But he was tall and beautiful and stern and when all the others begged my uncle to let me stay, he simply said, "I think she ought to go back." SALLY. And you liked that? ELISE. Oh, Sally, he was divine. He was like a king. (Enter Miss CURTIS D.U.L.C. talking to herself.) Miss CURTIS. Children children. (The GIRLS 54 THE CHARM SCHOOL crowd around her. ELISE and ALIX L. of Miss CUR TIS. ) SALLY. (R. of Miss CURTIS,) Wasn t he spiffed, Miss Curtis? Miss CURTIS. Do you know, dears, I don t be lieve men would ever take that horrid stuff if they knew how uncontrolled it made them appear. (ELISE L. of Miss CURTIS.,) MURIEL. (Crossing toward her) Did you set tle him, Miss Curtis? Miss CURTIS. Yes, I quieted him. He seemed to fall into a sort of stupor. MURIEL. That s a new name for it. Miss CURTIS. (A gong sounds off U.L.J There s the eleven o clock recess. (Crossing F. to L. of desk L.J ELISE. (The GIRLS start for D.R. ad lib. Starts with GIRLS, comes back to c.) Can t I help you, Miss Curtis ? I m not much good at figures, but SALLY. (At D.R. to c.) Come on, Elise, we have a senior class meeting. Have you forgotten? And you senior president! ELISE. (R. of 0.3 ) Can I help you? (To SALLY,) Shss don t be so noisy. Miss CURTIS. (Crosses F. to R. of D.R. Carries a ledger and sheet of paper, lays the ledger on the desk. After a pause picks up something on floor R.c.J Thank you, dear. I ll get along somehow but I do wish Miss Hays were here. ^MURIEL throws dart.) Those children are about six years old, every one of them. (Goes on murmuring as she works. The GIRLS go out D.R. SALLY goes to ELISE, grabs her hand and drags her out D.R. JOHNS enters D.U.L.C., wears cap and automobile coat, comes down to .3 Miss CURTIS springs up and ap- THE CHARM SCHOOL 55 proaches JOHNS.J Oh, Mr. Bevans! We ve been expecting you. I m so sorry Miss Hayes isn t here. I am Miss Curtis, the School s Secretary. JOHNS. (c.$) I am not Mr. Bevans, Miss Cur tis. Miss CURTIS. (R. of JOHNSJ No? Oh, do ex cuse me, you see we re expecting our new principal to-day. Are you a are you a parent? JOHNS. No, I m not. My name is Johns. Miss CURTIS. (Backing away) Johns, Johns! Not not not JOHNS. Homer Johns is my name. ^AUSTIN enters D.U.L.C., carries derby hat, and wears overcoat.) Miss CURTIS. Oh, good gracious ! But what are you doing here? JOHNS. I came to bring you your new principal. fMiss CURTIS places the dart she has in her hand on desk R. AUSTIN comes down L. of JOHNS. ) Miss Curtis, this is Mr. Bevans. Miss CURTIS. (Tunis, sees AUSTIN. Gives a low cry) Heavenly day him ! (Corrects herself.) He ! (Backs to U.E. of sofa *.) AUSTIN. (Seeing the time has come to assert himself. Crosses to her. JOHNS goes down L.cJ Miss Curtis, I should like to inspect the buildings and grounds, and then later in the morning. I wish you would assemble the entire school, so that I can speak to them all. Miss CURTIS. (R. of c.) Oh, I don t quite see how that can be possible. You see, they are all in classes. AUSTIN, (c.) They must be gotten out of their classes. Miss CURTIS. Yes, yes, of course. (To door.) 56 THE CHARM SCHOOL Oh, dear, oh, dear. Will you just wait here a mo ment, please? f Miss CURTIS goes to door R. turns about, confused.) Just a moment, please ^AUSTIN watches her out looks at JOHNS goes to sofa R. looks at painting on wall above mantel on R. the portrait of his late aunt.) JOHNS. (Comes to L. of c.) So you are going to be a tyrant, eh? AUSTIN. Most people like their orders better when they re clear. JOHNS. Young man, you have some sound ideas, but if I were about to address fifty giggling girls, I should be nervous. AUSTIN. They won t giggle. (Re-enter Miss CURTIS D.R. looking at AUSTIN, hardly able to speak.) Miss CURTIS. (Crosses to c. indicating door L.) I wonder, would you mind waiting in that room just a moment please. If you don t mind (^AUS TIN crosses to D.L. turns to her. JOHNS crosses to R.c.J you see, I fear it would be somewhat of a shock to the girls if they should see you ( AUSTIN turns to her) unexpectedly. ^AUSTIN bows.) Thank you. AUSTIN. Thank you. (Exits D.L.J JOHNS. {Crossing to D.L.J I guess they d bear up, all right. (Bows exits D.L.J ("Miss CURTIS trying to collect herself crosses and closes door R. so the GIRLS will not see the "man." Miss HAYS enters D.U.L.C., wear ing hat and traveling dress.) Miss HAYS. Well, Theodosia! THE CHARM SCHOOL 57 Miss CURTIS. (Tunis, sees Miss HAYS, goes to her) Oh, Eleanor ! Eleanor ! Thank Heaven, you have come! Oh, Eleanor, the most dreadful thing has happened. Miss HAYS. (c. Perfectly calm and accus tomed to Miss CURTIS^ What has happened, Theo- dosia? Miss CURTIS. (R. of Miss HAYS pointing to door Lj Listen, Eleanor, there s a young man in there who looks like a Greek God, and says he owns the school, and wants to inspect it. (Miss HAYS be gins to smile at the idea.) Ah, you wouldn t smile, my dear, if you had seen him. I tell you he s the kind of a young- man who should never come into a girls school. Why, he s beautiful. Miss HAYS. (Laughs) \Vell, of course, Theo- dosia, that s very wrong of him, but if he owns the school, we can t very well keep him out, can we? (Turns to go to D.L.) I ll go and speak to him. Miss CURTIS. Oh, no, no (Miss HAYS turns to her.) You can t do that, either. Because another terrible thing has happened. Miss HAYS. Now, what has happened, Theo- dosia? Miss CURTIS. He was brought here by your by Mr. Johns. Miss HAYS. By Homer? Miss CURTIS. (Distracted) Yes, yes, of course, you can t see them. I ll have it to do. You had bet ter go upstairs and lock yourself in your room only tell me what to say Miss HAYS. Lock myself in my room? Non sense! If Mr. Johns can bear seeing me, I think I can bear seeing him. I shall behave as if he were any other parent or guardian of the school. Noth ing will annoy him more than that. (Crosses A. to R. of desk R., removing gloves, etc. Miss CURTIS goes 58 THE CHARM SCHOOL up c. Looks off D.Lj They want to inspect the school, do they? Very well, I ll take them over it. Miss CURTIS. Oh, Eleanor, I do think you re brave. Miss HAYS. Will you please go and call them in, Theodosia? Miss CURTIS. Yes yes I will. (Starts for D. turns to Miss HAYS.) I ll bring your smelling salts, you ll need them. fMiss HAYS smiles Miss CURTIS goes to D.L. Calling off.) Gentlemen, will you please come this way ? (As they appear.) Miss Hays is here. ^AUSTIN enters, comes to c. JOHNS follows him into L. of c. Miss HAYS picks up paper on desk R V glances at it. Miss CURTIS R. of post L.) AUSTIN. Is this Miss Hays? (Miss HAYS looks only at AUSTIN. It is a shock to JOHNS to find her there.) Miss HAYS. How do you do, Mr. Bevans? AUSTIN. (Noticing that she pays no attention to JOHNS,) I believe you have met Mr. Johns? Miss HAYS. (Perfectly civil) Not for some years. (She tears the paper Miss CURTIS has put on desk R V drops the pieces in waste-paper basket in front of desk looks at JOHNS J You have taken on weight since last we met, Mr. Johns ( JOHNS buttons his coat.) Now, Mr. Bevans, I understand you want to inspect the school. I am at your dis posal. What would you like to see first? AUSTIN. fR.c.J I would like to look at the little cottage where my aunt JOHNS. (L.C., interrupting) Before you start on THE CHARM SCHOOL 59 your tour of inspection, might I have a word with you in private, Miss Hays? (AUSTIN turns up R.C. to piano.) Miss HAYS. (Calmly surprised) I m afraid not, Mr. Johns. But if you have anything to say about Elise, Miss Curtis is disengaged, I think. Miss CURTIS. (Standing at post L.C. Very ob liging, com-es down R. of JOHNS,) Oh, yes, yes, of course Elise, the dear child JOHNS. (Ignores Miss CURTIS,) This isn t about Elise. ("Miss CURTIS shudders, goes to sofa L.) It s about the school the general welfare of the school. Miss HAYS. (R. of desk R.) Write us a letter about it, Mr. Johns, and I m sure Miss Curtis will send you a prompt answer. Miss CURTIS. (Obliging) Yes, yes, of course. fMiss CURTIS crosses to L. of desk L. JOHNS, in a temper, goes up L.cJ Miss HAYS. (Crossing F. L. of sofa n.) And now, Mr. Bevans ( AUSTIN comes down R. of C.L. of Miss HAYSJ You were saying you wanted to see your aunt s cottage? AUSTIN. (L. of Miss HAYS,) Yes, I d like to know how soon I can move in. Miss HAYS. (Startled for the first time) Move in ? You don t intend to live there ? AUSTIN. I certainly do. I d like to see that first and then the other buildings and then the books Miss CURTIS. (Flustered. Picks up ledger, holds it in her arms) Oh! Oh, yes yes the books (The books) I m so sorry, Mr. Bevans, but you see the books are not quite in order. ( JOHNS and Aus- 60 THE CHARM SCHOOL TIN exchange glances.) You see I m not an ac countant. AUSTIN. ( JOHNS at R. of post L.c.J It s of no consequence, Miss Curtis, my lawyer will be here in a few minutes with an expert accountant. Miss CURTIS. Oh, Eleanor, isn t that nice, we are to have an expert account (Catches JOHNS eye f as he is glancing at her.) ant. (Replaces ledgers on desk L.) AUSTIN. And now, Miss Hayes, if there are any special problems of the school that you would like to bring to me, I should be delighted to take them up with you. Miss HAYS. fR.cJ One moment, Mr. Bevans, you don t mean that you intend personally to have anything to do with the management of this school ? AUSTIN. (R. of c.) I certainly do with the organization, the finances, and the general scheme. You see, Miss Hays, I have some very decided views on the subject of the education of girls. I think that girls JOHNS. (F. of post L.C. comes down L. of AUS TIN ) I believe that I could explain Mr. Bevan s views to you if you would let Miss Curtis show him over the buildings. Miss HAYS. {Crossing to R. of JOHNS ) Thank you, I prefer to hear them from Mr. Bevans, him self. He can tell me as we go. (Going up D.U.L.C. Miss CURTIS rises.) AUSTIN. (Joining Miss HAYS on her R.j Cer tainly. You see, Miss Hays, my idea is that girls should be educated to be charming (Both exit D.U.L.C. ) Miss HAYS. To be what? AUSTIN. Educated to be charming (Exit both.) JOHNS. (L. of post L.C. to Miss CURTIS. Miss THE CHARM SCHOOL 61 CURTIS goes to him U.L. of desk L.) Well, I sup pose we might as well tag along - ? Miss CURTIS. (Goes to his L.) Oh, yes, I own I am interested to hear Mr. Bevans views on edu cation. (Starts for door JOHNS stops her.) (SALLY is seen peeking through door R. MURIEL and the other GIRLS are behind her.) JOHNS. Oh, I can tell you he wants girls edu cated to be charming. Miss CURTIS. Charming that would be original. But how? JOHNS. (Going up to D.U.L.C. ) I don t know, but I suppose you can knock anything into their stupid little heads if you try hard enough. The idea is that - (They go out, talking, D.u.L.cJ runs up to door, followed by MURIEL, they look off after them, the other GIRLS run in, look at each other ad lib. ETHEL sits on sofa R. LILLIAN goes to sofa L., sits ALIX goes R. of desk R. MADGE goes above desk R.) MURIEL. (Turning to GIRLS ) Did you ever hear anything like that? (Runs back to R.C.) SALLY. (Disapprovingly, at D.U.L.C. Looking off) So that s him, is it?" MURIEL. (Calling off door R.) Elise, Elise, come here! Something awful has happened. (Enter ELISE door R.) ELISE. (To L. of sofa R.) What is it? (LILLIAN rises to R. of c.) MURIEL. (L. of ELISE) Mr. Bevans has come, and he s perfectly horrid. 62 THE CHARM SCHOOL ELISE. What s he like? MURIEL. Oh, he s old and he looks cross SALLY. And he s as big as a red barn. (Coming down L. of MURIEL. LILLIAN sits, sofa L.j MURIEL. And he wants us educated to be charm ing. ELISE. He doesn t think us charming already? ALIX. (R. of desk R. ad lib. French) Char- mant. Charmant, comment charment. ETHEL. (Sitting on sofa R.) How s he going to do that, I should like to know. MURIEL. (R. of c.) He doesn t know but he says he can knock it into our stupid little heads ELISE. What! Knock I don t like the sound of that at all. SALLY. (L. of M URIEL J I think that s simply in sulting what s an old feller like that know about being charming? ELISE. Girls, I think we will teach that old man a lesson. ETHEL. ("MADGE R. of ELISE,) But what shall we do, Elise? ELISE. (Crossing R.C.) Let s see! What can we do. (Very determined.) We ll strike. GIRLS. Yes, yes. Strike! ALIX. What is strike? ELISE. (L.C.) Every member of the senior class will simply return to her home. SALLY. That s all very well but our parents would send us right straight back again. ELISE. (To SALLY MURIEL to sofa R. MADGE A.D.Rj No, they wouldn t, Sally Boyd, not when we told them a horrid, cross old man was trying to teach us charm. My uncle wouldn t stand that for a minute. MURIEL. I think we d better put it to a vote. ELISE. That s a good idea. ( x. to L. of D.S .) THE CHARM SCHOOL 63 GIRLS. (Ad lib.) Yes, yes, etc. (GIRLS very noisy ad lib.) ( MURIEL and ETHEL draw the piano bench forward to c. then sit on it. MURIEL on F. end. LIL LIAN is sitting on sofa L. ALIX sits on lower end of sofa R. MADGE sits upper end of sofa R. SALLY sits tip end of sofa L. ) SALLY. (Kicking LILLIAN off sofa L.) Off my sofa, woman oft" my sofa. ("LILLIAN sits on bench. ELISE seats herself with dignity and raps with paper knife, on desk L.) ELISE. Order order order SALLY. (Lounging on sofa Lj Oh! Shush yourself ELISE. (To SALLY J I won t shush. You shush when I tell you to shush. Now shush. Sally, take your feet off the sofa, and read the minutes of the last meeting. SALLY. (Coming to life) Oh, I m awfully sorry, Elise, I lost em. ELISE. You lost the class records? SALLY. Yep. ELISE. Sally, what did you do with them ? SALLY. Well, I think I cleaned my shoes with them, but I m not sure. Now, Elise, we didn t do anything at the last meeting that amounted to much anyway. I move ELISE. (Interrupting) Kindly rise when you address the chair, Miss Boyd. SALLY. (Rising reluctantly) I move that we dispense with the reading of the minutes. (Sits again.) MURIEL. (Rises) Second the motion. 64 THE CHARM SCHOOL GIRLS. (To MURIEL,) Sit down! ( ELISE. You have heard the motion all in favor SALLY. Let s- GIRLS. (Ad lib.) Aye. ELISE. Contrary. It is carried. Treasurer s re port? GIRLS. (To MURIELJ You re the treasurer get up etc. MURIEL. (Rises) I m not the treasurer. ("LILLIAN slides down to F. end of bench as MURIEL rises.) SALLY. Sure you are, Muriel. MURIEL. Oh, am I? (Steps forward L.c.J Well, we haven t any money. ELISE. Absolutely none, Muriel? MURIEL. Where would we get any from ? ELISE. Very well. If there is no objection I will accept the treasurer s report as read. ( MURIEL goes to upper end of bench) Now the object of this meeting? Oh, I forgot (Officially) Is there any unfinished business to come before the meet ing? ETHEL. (Sitting u. end of bench) I don t even know what that is. ( ELISE raps on desk for order, then raps SALLY on head for laughing.) ELISE. If not we will take up the question for which the meeting was called. Girls, shall we all go home ? GIRLS. (Ad lib.) Oh, yes, sure. Yes yes, etc. SALLY. Yes-s-s. MURIEL. (To L.C.J I don t mean to stay here. THE CHARM SCHOOL 65 ELISE. (Rapping on desk) Oh, girls, do be more parliamentary. You re such a bad example to the younger class meetings. Will someone please make a motion? MURIEL. (Crosses F. toward R.) I move we go. ELISE. Any discussion? f MURIEL, as she is crossing R., gestures "I m going anyway! ) If not, are you ready - ( SALLY gets up.) Oh, gee ~?hiz- Sally, are you going to make a speech? SALLY. Yes, I am. ("LILLIAN swings around on the bench, facing R. GIRLS ad lib.) ETHEL. Oh, Elise, don t let Sally make a speech. ELISE. She has a perfect right to if she wants to. What is it, Miss Boyd? ( SALLY bows to ELISE clenches her hands, makes grimace at ETHEL. ELISE raps on desk. SALLY stands L.C. gestures spread-eagle style.) SALLY. Well, I think this, that we must really stick together not back down, you know. If we decide to leave and, of course, that s what we re go ing to decide we must stick to it whatever hap pens. We musJ make our parents and teachers and this old ff Jow r-vho s coming, feel that our decision is ir-re-ztfxr-able MURIEL, f Stands F. of desk R.) Hear, hear, ir- SALLY. We are like that man in American His tory who said: "We must all hang together or we shall all hang separately." MURIEL, (R.C.) Question. GIRLS. Question question ! ELISE. Ready for the question? It has been 66 THE CHARM SCHOOL moved and seconded was it seconded? oh, yes, that we all leave this afternoon all those in fa GIRLS. (Ad lib.) Aye aye SALLY. Oh, you d better put that in about it s being ir-re-^oc-able. ELISE. Oh, yes, and that our decision in the mat ter is ir-re-z/oc-able. (Miss HAYS enters, D.U.L.C, with a gesture of irri tation, on seeing the GIRLS. ) Miss HAYS. (Comes down R. of SALLY,? What is this? A senior meeting? (The GIRLS all rise as they see Miss HAYS, LILLIAN R.C. MADGE at sofa R. MURIEL F. of desk R. ALIX F. of sofa R.) ETHEL. (R. of Miss HAYS,) When did you get back, Miss Hays? Miss HAYS. (Taking a very large comb out of ETHEL S hair, takes it off stage when she goes) Oh, Ethel, Ethel ("ETHEL attempts to recover it.) ELISE. (F. of D.L. with dignity) Miss Hays, we have just reached an important decision. SALLY. Yes, Miss Hays, and it s ir-re-voc-able. Miss HAYS. Oh, Sally, Sally that word is pro nounced irrevocable. (Crosses to sofa L. SALLY L. of c.) ELISE. We shouldn t have reached it, Miss Hays, if you had been left in charge, but we understand that Mr. Bevans has arrived SALLY. (To R. of Miss HAYS,) And that he s going to teach us to be charming. Miss HAYS. How did you hear that r SALLY. (Pompously) As the say is: "111 news travels fast." THE CHARM SCHOOL 67 Miss HAYS. (Pleased) And you girls don t ap prove of that method of education? OMNES. Certainly not! ( ETHEL kneels on upper end of bench.) ELISE. No, indeed, Miss Hays. We mean to strike we mean to go home. Miss HAYS. (As usual, calm) To go home! Well, girls, I think you had better tell that to Mr. Bevans himself. (The OTHERS rather shrink at this, but ELISE is undaunted.) C SALLY LILLIAN ETHEL join the other girls they group at and below sofa R.) ELISE. (F. of sofa L.J I ask nothing better. (The GIRLS talk it over, do not see AUSTIN at fir si as he enters. "I ll tell him," etc. Miss HAYS goes toward door, U.L.C., and calls to MR. BEV- ANS.J Miss HAYS. Will you come here a moment, please? ("AUSTIN enters. Miss HAYS is between him and the GIRLS. AUSTIN is followed by Miss CURTIS. She now plainly worships him. She goes to L. of desk L. Miss HAYS R. of post L.C.J Mr. Bevans, you said just now that if any little Troblem arose in the school (PHONE.) AUSTIN. (F. of post L.C. Very bland) Yes, I remember. (ELISE turns to AUSTIN .) Miss HAYS. A little problem has arisen. In fact, the senior class has decided to go home in a body. 68 THE CHARM SCHOOL AUSTIN. Why ? Miss HAYS. They will tell you themselves. Girls? GIRLS. (Turning to her) Yes, Miss Hays. Miss HAYS. This is Mr. Bevans! ( The GIRLS give various cries,) SALLY. Ye Gods! ALIX. (F. of sofa R. ) Oh, la, la ! (OTHERS ad lib, except ELISE, who throughout the scene stands silently devouring AUSTIN with her eyes. AUSTIN has a moment of weakness.) AUSTIN. (L. of Miss HAYS,) Oh, don t you think for the present, Miss Hays, it would be better if you dealt with this sort of thing? Miss HAYS, (c.4) No, indeed. This is essen tially a problem for the head of the school. It is not easy to be the head of a school, Mr. Bevans. (She moves towards the staircase.) AUSTIN. (Starts toward her) But you re not going to leave me, are you? Miss HAYS. (L. of staircase) I m sure you are quite competent to deal with your own problems your own way. (Phone. She goes upstairs smiling.) (ELISE slowly goes to AUSTIN S L. entrance. ETHEL comes to his R. simpering. The other GIRLS move up R.C. toward him. The telephone rings on desk L. Miss CURTIS answers it.) Miss CURTIS. (In phone) Who oh it s for you, Mr. Bevans. AUSTIN. (Looks from ETHEL to ELISE, not quite sure of himself. While the GIRLS all watch him in- THE CHARM SCHOOL 69 tently. To ELISE recognises her as the girl he met yesterday) How do you do. (Crosses to above desk L. takes phone. ELISE goes to F. of post L.cJ ELISE. (Thinks to herself not spoken) "That is the man I saw yesterday." (She stands silent, watches his every move, lips parted she hardlv breathes. The GIRLS hurry to positions and listen eagerly.) AUSTIN. (At phone puts his hat on, corrects himself, puts hat on upper end of desk L.J Oh, hullo ( ELISE is leaning against post L.C. MU RIEL goes to piano. ETHEL goes to P.B. sits. SALLY stands R.C.I. ALIX sits on sofa R. MADGE stands F. of desk R. LILLIAN stands R. of MURIEL at piano.) Is that you, George? Where are you? At the station? Good. What s the matter with the school bus ? Oh, go to thunder. Use your legs ! I say, walk yes, walk. (Listens a moment in phone, his expression changes to one of disapproval shakes his head, at phone. He hangs up receiver.) My lawyer and my accountant will be here at once. Miss CURTIS. (Standing L. of desk L. below AUSTINJ Oh. isn t that a comfort? SALLY. (Turns to MADGE sotto voce) More men ! AUSTIN. (To L. of desk turns to the GIRLS picks up paper knife) Now, young ladies. GIRLS. (Very eagerly) Yes, sir. AUSTIN. (Taps on desk with paper knife, "at tention") What was it you wished to say? You are all leaving, is that it? (Looks at MURIEL. J Come here ETHEL. (Is sitting on P. bench She leans for ward "smitten at first sight." Simpers) Me-e? AUSTIN. (To Miss CURTIS ) What do I call them? Miss CURTIS. / call them by their first names. 70 THE CHARM SCHOOL AUSTIN. (Finally indicating MURIEL who is standing F. of piano) What s that one s name? Miss CURTIS. That is Muriel Doughty. AUSTIN. (Sitting L. of desk ~L.) Come "here, Muriel. (MURIEL goes to L.C. SALLY sits P.B. ETHEL turns, facing L.) Muriel, why are you leav ing? MURIEL. (R. of U.E. of sofa Lj Leaving! (Looks at GIRLS undecided) Oh I did intend to leave, Mr. Bevans but I ve decided to stay. AUSTIN. (Very serious) Why did you change your mind? MURIEL. (Opens her mouth with no answer com ing. She pulls herself together and becomes very glib.) Oh, I didn t think I was being perfectly truth ful with my parents in not letting them know that the school wasn t being perfectly well managed but I didn t think of my duty to my school my school at which I have been so long and which has taught me all I know SALLY. (Rises to MURIEL,) Not such a heap, after all, Muriel. AUSTIN. (Rises taps on desk. To SALLY,) Just a moment, young lady. ( ALIX goes to B V stands above ETHEL SALLY sits F. end of P.B. AUSTIN sits again.) MURIEL. (To SALLY,) I do believe in being loyal. (To AUSTIN.) And so I have decided to stay. Loy alty is so important. ( AUSTIN motions her away by a wave of his hand. MURIEL goes L. of LILLIAN front of piano.) AUSTIN. (Indicating ALIX,) And this young lady? THE CHARM SCHOOL 71 Miss CURTIS. This is Alix. AUSTIN. (To ALixJ Alix. (ALIX comes to U.R. of sofa L. curtsies. AUSTIN starts to rise but recovers himself.) You are leaving us? ALIX. (Unable to express herself in English) Yes, sir! No, sir! I did, I mean, I was, I had, I mean I Miss CURTIS. (Tapping a chair zvith pencil) Parlez Frangais, Alix. ALIX. (In very rapid French gestures) Enfin oui monsieur le proffesseur, il est vrai javais 1 in tention de quitter 1 e cole mais apres y avoir re fle chi, jai change d j avis. Bien zut. (AUSTIN doesn t understand a ivord.) Miss CURTIS. Of course, you understand French, Mr. Bevans? AUSTIN. Was that French? SALLY. (Stepping forward) Sit down, Alix, he doesn t get you ("AUSTIN rises, taps on desk. ALIX sits P.B.U. end.) Mr. Bevans ! Miss CURTIS. This is Sally Boyd. AUSTIN. George Boyd s sister. SALLY. How do you do? AUSTIN. (Freezes her sits) How do you do? You are leaving us, Sally? SALLY. ( Has recovered from the shock of seeing him) Well, Mr. Bevans, I did think it was every one s duty to keep in good physical health. I have been brought up by my parents to believe that. AUSTIN. You look as if you had acted on your belief, Sally. SALLY. And when I found I wasn t getting enough to support life I thought it was my duty to go home. But on thinking it over (She stops.) AUSTIN. Yes, on thinking it over? 72 THE CHARM SCHOOL SALLY. (Pompously gestures) I see, Mr. Bev- ans, that the mind is more important than the body, and that if my mind is fed, I shall be quite content here. AUSTIN. Your mind needs to be fed, Sally- forcibly fed (Motions her away.) meat. (^ETHEL rises. SALLY goes to piano. ELISE looks at her a moment, then indicates ETHEL. ) And this young lady? Miss CURTIS. This is Ethel (As ETHEL rises and goes to L.C. LILLIAN sits on P.B. MURIEL goes to sofa R.) AUSTIN. Ethel ETHEL. (Simpering and ready to cry for ef fect wringing her hands) Oh, I I thought I couldn t stay I loved your dear aunt so much that when she died (Kneels on sofa and gradually leans toward AUSTIN .) But now I see that the best way of paying tribute to her dear memory is to stay on and do the best I can for the school. (As she leans forward, AUSTIN moves his hat, so she will not crush it, placing it on lower end of desk L.J Miss CURTIS. (Affected) Oh, isn t that a beau tiful thought? AUSTIN. (To Miss CURTISJ There is great power of invention in the senior class, Miss Curtis. Miss CURTIS. (Shocked) I know you don t mean it, but I fear you are giving the girls the im pression that you don t quite believe what they say (^ETHEL rises, goes to R. of ELISE. Miss CURTIS going up back of AUSTIN to L. of post L.cJ Shall I shall I dismiss them to their study now? AUSTIN. (Rises) No, I want to say a word to them first (Takes off his coat, lays it on L.U.E. THE CHARM SCHOOL 73 of sofa L. Looks at ELISE goes L. of desk i^.) Young ladies GIRLS. (Very quickly and eagerly) Yes, sir! (ELISE is at post L.C. Miss CURTIS at L. of post L.C. ETHEL between ELISE and SALLY SALLY A.P.B. ALIX sitting P.B. lower end. MU RIEL R.P.B. LILLIAN sitting P.B. MADGE R.C.I.R. AUSTIN stands L. of desk L.J AUSTIN. (Taps quickly on desk "Attention." As he speaks he puts his thumbs in the armholes of his vest) Let me give you a piece of advice that you will find very useful in future life. When you want people to believe anything that isn t true, don t be too terribly sincere about it, and above all don t be so infernally glib. (Looks down, sees zuhere his hands are and corrects his position.) Everyone of you ought to take a course in listening to an office- boy trying to get away to a baseball game. There s a look of almost divine innocence that comes over his face it s been on everyone of your faces for the last ten minutes. MURIEL. (Standing R.C.L. with a look of inno cence) Mr. Bevans, I hope you don t mean that you don t believe us? AUSTIN. Muriel, thank Heavens, I have some common sense, and I know quite well that there isn t a word of truth not one in all you have been say ing. MURIEL. Oh, Mr. Bevans! AUSTIN. (Tapping on desk) Muriel! I don t know what you have really been up to why you wanted to go or why you mean to stay. But it s all right. You re going to stay. That will be all, Miss Curtis. ( ETHEL moves toward AUSTIN, who quickly re- 74 THE CHARM SCHOOL moves hat from top of desk. GIRLS ad lib, smother "Oh!") Miss CURTIS. Come, girls. fMiss CURTIS sends them out door R. closing the door. ELISE does not go off with the girls but holds her position at the post. She has never once removed her eyes from AUSTIN, standing as though in a trance. AUSTIN takes up his coat and hat looks at ELISE, turns to ward door L. Miss CURTIS re-enters sees that ELISE is watching AUSTIN closely. Miss CURTIS goes to ELISE, touches her arm.) Elise, my dear! ^ELISE starts as though waking up. Miss CURTIS motions her to go with other GIRLS. ELISE crosses quickly to door R. eyes still on AUSTIN. ) Oh, Mr. Bevans ("AUSTIN replaces the hat and coat on the sofa and conies down L.C. Miss CURTIS is L. of P.B. ELISE, as soon as Miss CURTIS S back is turned, slips tip the stairs, hides out of sight until Miss CURTIS S exit.) I m so sorry to bother you, so soon, but would you mind seeing Sally and Muriel they are so distressed poor dears. You see, they feel you don t quite believe what they said, and they want to explain AUSTIN. (R. of sofa L.) No, Miss Curtis. Miss CURTIS. (L. of P. bench Surprised) No? But they only want to explain. AUSTIN. They re great little explainers. I must make it a point never to see the girls individually. All such matters I leave to you and Miss Hays. Miss CURTIS. Oh, how right you are, how right you are. They will be terribly dis (As she turns to go R. she stumbles over the piano bench in her confusion, crossing F. to door R.) tressed poor dears, but I ll tell them (She goes off, shaking her head, murmuring at door R V turns to him.) How right you are! THE CHARM SCHOOL 75 f AUSTIN goes to sofa L. picks up hat and coat, goes toward door L. Looks after Miss CURTIS. "Rather a peculiar person." As soon as Miss CURTIS is gone, ELISE, who has been hiding upstairs, comes down.) ELISE. (F. of post L.cJ Mr. Bevans, may I speak to you ? AUSTIN. (Coming back, to above sofa) No! (Turns toward door Lj ELISE. I beg your pardon, sir, but did you say, did you say, No ? AUSTIN. Yes. ELISE. Just for a moment, please? AUSTIN. (Comes to above desk L.J Anything you have to say to me can be said to Miss Hays or your parents. ELISE. (Goes to L. of post L.cJ But, sir, I haven t any parents. I m an orphan. AUSTIN. (To L. of post L.cJ So am I. ELISE. Isn t that strange? That we should both be orphans ? It s terribly lonely sometimes, being an orphan, isn t it ? AUSTIN. (Lays coat and hat on sofa goes to L. of desk) What was it you wished to speak to me about, Miss Benedotti? ELISE. (Hurt) Oh! Mr. Bevans. (Kneels on sofa L.) AUSTIN. What s the matter? ELISE. You called Ethel and Muriel and Sally by their first names. AUSTIN. (With his hand on the desk, leans slightly forward. Convicted of making a difference) Yes, I know but I seem to have forgotten what your first name is. ELISE. (Kneeling on sofa L., leans forward) Elise. 76 THE CHARM SCHOOL AUSTIN. Oh ELISE. Won t you please say it for me? AUSTIN. (Softly) Elise. ELISE. Oh, thank you, sir. Isn t it a pretty name? I never knew how nice it was before. AUSTIN. (Severely; sits) Elise, what was it you wished to speak to me about ? ELISE. (As she is about to sit on upper arm of the sofa, she feels AUSTIN S hat under her. She takes it up and holds it in her arms while she speaks f sitting on arm) Oh ! AUSTIN. I should have worn a cap. ELISE. I m so sorry Oh ! This. The rea son I changed my mind about staying at school. AUSTIN. (L. of desk) You had made up your mind to go, too? ELISE. Yes but I changed it AUSTIN. Because you thought it more loyal, or because you found the mind was more important than the body or because you wished to pay a trib ute to my dear aunt s memory. ELISE. (Solemnly) No, sir because you re here. AUSTIN. (Trying to be a schoolmaster) My dear child, you must learn not to be quite so per sonal in your judgments. This school is a good school whether I m here or not. ELISE. Yes, I know, sir, but I only wanted to stay after you came. AUSTIN. Well, it wasn t necessary for you to come here and tell me that. ELISE. Oh, yes, it was I didn t want you to think I was making up stories like Muriel and Sally I wanted to tell you the truth. ( Miss CURTIS en ters door R. in time to hear the last words, carrying three composition books.) You mustn t scold me for that. THE CHARM SCHOOL 77 CURTIS goes to R. of desk R., lays books down there which she has brought in.) Miss CURTIS. Scold you! (Crossing to ELISE, places her arm about her.) Why, Mr. Bevans, this is Elise Benedotti, one of our dearest girls. I m sure there s nothing you need scold her for unless perhaps it is her hand AUSTIN. Her hand what s the matter with it? Miss CURTIS. Her handwriting, I mean. It is not always legible, so her writing teacher reports. And her punctuation and spelling are not all they ought to be. AUSTIN. I m sorry to hear it. I want every one of my girls to write a legible, correct note. I tell you what you do ^ELISE hurries to sofa L., kneels.) You write a note to Miss Curtis, every day from now till the end of the term and she ll correct it and return it to you. Miss CURTIS. fR. of ELISE, horrified) Oh, no, not to me, please, Mr. Bevans. You see, I m only the school secretary, and I m not very accurate my self. ELISE. (L. of P.B.J Oh, no, I wrote a note once to Miss Curtis, and I spelt hope, h-o-p, and she never noticed it. Did you, Miss Curtis? Miss CURTIS. (Laughs, confused) No-o! AUSTIN. She was too kind-hearted to mention it probably ("Miss CURTIS happy that AUSTIN speaks so nicely of her smiles, self-consciously, plates her hand to her face. "She must be blush ing" and crosses bench bus. F. to R. of desk R. sits.) Write to Miss Hays, then. (Goes above desk to pick up hat and coat.) ELISE. (Goes to him) Mr. Bevans, you you wouldn t be too kind-hearted, would you, sir? AUSTIN. I ? 78 THE CHARM SCHOOL ELISE. (E. of post) I mean if I wrote those notes to you instead of Miss Hays you would be much severer than Miss Hays, and I m sure I should learn a great deal more if I wrote them to you. AUSTIN. To me? ELISE. Would it be too much bother? AUSTIN. It wouldn t be any bother at all. (Cor recting himself.) I mean I m thinking what would do you most good. ELISE. (L. of post) It would do me most good to write to you. AUSTIN. Write to me, then. ELISE. Oh, thank you, sir. AUSTIN. (Takes up his coat and hat, after a pause in a more severe manner) And I will correct your notes and return them to you. (Turns toward door L.) ELISE. (Moving toward R.c.J Oh, thank you, sir, thank you, so much. (Comes back.) Oh, Mr. Bevans, but what shall I write about ? AUSTIN. (Turns, comes to L. of post) Anything you re thinking about. ELISE. (F. of post L.cJ Or any person? AUSTIN. (L. of ELISE) Or any person. ELISE. (F. of post) Even if it were always the same person ? Miss CURTIS. (Busy working on her books) Why, Elise, you wouldn t always be thinking about the same person, would you ? ELISE. Oh, yes, I would. (As they stand looking at each other, Miss HAYS enters down the stairs R.) Miss HAYS. (Coming to c.) Well, Mr. Bevans, have you solved your little problem? AUSTIN. (Who has forgotten all about it) THE CHARM SCHOOL 7^ What? Oh (Lays coat and hat on U.E. of so f a comes down to L. of desk.) The senior strike? Oh, yes, there was nothing to that. (Miss HAYS looks disappointed, catches ELISE S eye. Motions her to go upstairs. ELISE, guilty caught talking to MR. BEVANS, catches AUS TIN S eye crosses A. Exit R.u. the stairs Miss HAYS watches her off.) Miss CURTIS. (Rises goes to R. of P.E.) Oh, Eleanor, I wish you could have heard Mr. Bevans. The moment he spoke to the girls they realized how wrong they were. Even Muriel felt she had been disloyal to the school. She spoke so beautifully, with tears in her voice. Miss HAYS. (L. of P.B. Disgusted) You mean, they all backed down? Miss CURTIS. At once oh, they were a little afraid of Mr. Bevans say what you will. AUSTIN. (Crossing slowly to L. of bench) I understand you re not much of a believer in men, Miss Hays. Miss HAYS. (L. of P. bench) I m not a blind admirer of your sex, Mr. Bevans. Miss CURTIS. (R. of P. bench) But I do think that girls will listen to a man sometimes when they wouldn t listen to another woman. AUSTIN. (L. of Miss HAYS,) Exactly. Those are the very ideas on which our new plans were founded. Miss HAYS. Our plans? Your plans, Mr. Bev ans. AUSTIN. Do you mean that you are not in sym pathy with my ideas of education? Miss HAYS. The idea that girls should be taught to be charming? Certainly not. (Crossing to R. 80 THE CHARM SCHOOL of desk R. Miss CURTIS goes to F. of piano.) They think too much about it already. In fact, Mr. Bev- ans, I may as well be quite frank with you, I don t approve of your presence here at all. Miss CURTIS. Oh, Eleanor (L. of post Rj Please don t say that. Miss HAYS. (R. of desk R.J I believe it will ruin the school, and if you will take that statement as my resignation, why AUSTIN. No, I won t. (Crossing to R.c.J I don t want you to resign. Mr. Johns and I are fully agreed that you should remain as second in command. Miss HAYS. Mr. Johns? Was this all Mr. Johns plan ? AUSTIN. (Trying to be flattering) Mr. Johns thinks very highly of you, Miss Hays. Miss HAYS. (Looks at him) Really? AUSTIN. As an educator. Miss HAYS. Oh, does he, indeed? JOHNS. (Voice heard outside door L. he en ters, shouting, comes down L. of P.B. Miss CURTIS starts to post R.c.J Well how much longer am I to be kept kicking my heels in there? Come on, Bevans ( AUSTIN crosses A. picks up his coat and hat puts on the coat goes down L. of desk L. to F.) I want to be getting back to town. (He suddenly thinks he ll try it once more with Miss HAYS.J Oh, Miss Hays, before I go, could I have just a word with you about the general policy of the school? Miss HAYS. (R. of desk R.) I have nothing to do with the general policy of the school, Mr. Johns, I am only second in command. JOHNS. (Crossing to sofa Rj If you would just let me say a word to you in private ("Miss CURTIS starts upstairs.) ^m THE CHARM SCHOOL 81 Miss HAYS. Theodosia! Don t go ( Miss CURTIS stops. To JOHNS, sarcastically indicating AUSTIN.^ Say it to the gentleman you have se lected for the head of this school. JOHNS. But that s just it, you don t understand ! fMiss HAYS turns from him. Enter GEORGE D.U.L.C. wearing an overcoat JOHNS turns up R.c.) GEORGE. (Comes down R. of AUSTIN L.cJ Austin, have you known how far it is from here to the station ? AUSTIN. Miss Hays, this is my head bookkeeper, Mr. Boyd, and Miss Curtis. fEusE enters down the stairs R. Crosses above JOHNS to his L.) GEORGE. (Bowing to them) How do you do? fMiss CURTIS comes down R.C., bows to him.) Miss HAYS. How do you do? Miss CURTIS. (Tunis to Miss HAYS,) A book keeper ! f DAVID enters D.U.L.C. wearing overcoat. GEORGE sees ELISE and hurries to her, shakes hands.) DAVID. (Coming down R. of AUSTIN, turns down trousers) If I had known I had to climb a hillside I wouldn t have worn my Sunday clothes ! (Fives trousers.) AUSTIN. (F. of sofa L.) My lawyer, Mr. Mac- Kensie, Miss Hays, Miss Curtis. (Turns, going F. of desk L.) DAVID. (Bowing to them) How do you do? 82 THE CHARM SCHOOL ( Miss CURTIS bows to him, goes above desk R.> Miss HAYS. How do you do ? ( DAVID goes to JOHNS and ELISE up R. of c. Shakes hands with JOHNS.J AUSTIN. (Turning, sees GEORGE and ELISE to gether) George, George! I wish you would go over the books and draw off a trial balance! ("TWINS enter D.U.L.C. wearing overcoats JIM R. of TIM. GEORGE crosses A. to L. of desk L. Sits. To TWINS J Who told you to come? JIM. (Comes down L.c.) Oh, Austin! Haven t you got a job for us? TIM. (Comes to above sofa L.) We don t want to go back to Poughkeepsie ! (At this moment there is a repetition of the racket made by the furnace man. SALLY rushes on down the stairs followed by LILLIAN, ALIX, MADGE, appearing at door Rj SALLY. Miss Hays, Miss Hays. (TwiNS turn, see SALLY smile.) The furnace man has come to and he s chasing the cook all over the laundry with a pitchfork ! AUSTIN, (F. of desk L.) There you are, Twins ! ( SALLY turns, sees TWINS, smiles and goes slowly to ward them. } Go and rescue the cook! (They do not hear him.) Twins! (They turn to him.) The cook! (They turn reluctantly from SALLY, go to ward door U.L.C. still looking at her TIM slowly exits JIM stays at L. of post L.C. watching SALLY. AUSTIN follows them up L.cJ THE CHARM SCHOOL 83 Miss CURTIS. (Above desk R.) Oh, Eleanor, isn t it a comfort to have a man in the house? ( AUSTIN turns to Miss CURTIS, sees ELISE stand ing in front of him and above bench.) CURTAIN ACT II SCENE II : Same as Scene One. Two weeks later. The BOYS are in AUSTIN S office waiting for him. There is a gardenia on his desk. TIM at piano playing softly, GEORGE looks at watch, then at door L .) DAVID. (Sitting on sofa R. Rises, goes to L. of post L.C V glancing at watch) I wonder what s keep ing Austin? GEORGE. (Sitting sofa L.) I have a class in ten minutes. (Takes out a cigarette case.) DAVID. (Coming to c.2) George, no smoking in study hours. ^GEORGE puts it back.) I ve a lot of work on that history course of mine. (~R. of desk R. sits.) GEORGE. History course! I thought you had given it up. JIM. (Leaning against R. of piano) He give it up? Not much! It s the girls who are giving it up. DAVID. The poor creatures are not accustomed to working their minds. They send a delegation to Austin every day to ask to be allowed to drop it. (Goes to desk R.J JIM. That s funny, my dancing class is simply crowded. ( DAVID sits chair Rj It s the personality of the instructor that really counts, David. DAVID. You go to blazes JIM. David! David! DAVID. Well, that s not language for a professor, 84 THE CHARM SCHOOL 85 but the reason your class is more popular than mine is that girls would rather use their feet than their heads. TIM. (Boastfully Crossing to desk R.) Well, look at my special lectures one hundred per cent attendance and last week when Tappe was lecturing on the philosophy of head gear there wasn t an empty seat DAVID. Aye but many empty heads. (MURIEL and ETHEL enter, coming downstairs R., each carrying her history paper.) MURIEL. Good morning, Professor. DAVID. Good morning, young ladies. MURIEL. (To BOYS,) Good morning. BOYS. Good morning. GEORGE. Good morning (DAVID taps on desk.) MURIEL. My history paper, Professor. DAVID. (Taking paper) Thank you. MURIEL. You re quite welcome. (Goes up and to door R. TIM opens door she exits.) Thank you, Professor. Professor. ETHEL. Good morning, Professor. DAVID. Good morning ETHEL. (To BOYSJ Good morning. BOYS. Good morning. GEORGE. Good morning. (ETHEL hands paper to DAVIDJ DAVID. Thank you. ETHEL. It s a pleasure. (Goes to door R. TIM opens door for her. She exits giggling.) TIM. Did you ever see girls so improved? DAVID. Improved ! Oh, my word. GEORGE. All, except poor old Sally. TIM. Oh, it would be a pity to change Sally. 86 THE CHARM SCHOOL GEORGE. Pity, why you couldn t do it. TIM. What? GEORGE. (Rises) Oh, well, Sally s all right, but she isn t much on looks TWINS. Not much on looks ! (]IM crosses to sofa L. TIM sits at piano.) Why, you poor fish GEORGE. You don t think her good-looking, do you? TWINS. I certainly do. (JiM sits sofa ~L.) GEORGE. Well, let me tell you, she s no heiress, but speaking of improvement, have you noticed Miss Curtis ? TIM. Did you ever see anything as alluring as Miss Curtis? Why, she has a new dress on ("GEORGE whistles, "Look Out, She s Coming! ) ( Miss CURTIS enters D.U.L.C. she is very tastefully dressed and her hair is quite beautifully done. She has a bunch of flowers in her hand,) Miss CURTIS. Good morning, Professors. OMNES. Good morning, Miss Curtis etc. (JiM rises, goes to sofa L. DAVID half rises, tries to look at her around GEORGE, who is standing in between them. Miss CURTIS also tries to look at DAVIDJ DAVID. Good morning, Miss Curtis. Miss CURTIS. Good morning. ( GEORGE looks at DAVID, then moves up c. Comes down L. of desk L. looks with disfavor at the gardenia.) Does this gardenia belong to any of you gentlemen? ("BoYS shake their heads. Takes it out of its bowl Crosses A. and lays it on upper end of piano TIM picks it up, shows it to GEORGE and places it on lower end of piano JIM goes up toward D.U.L.C J It has such a heavy, disagreeable perfume, I always think. I m sure Mr. Bevans can t like it. THE CHARM SCHOOL 87 GEORGE. (Insinuatingly) I notice it s there every morning. Miss CURTIS. (Crossing A. to L. of desk L.) Yes, I always take it away it must give him a head ache. fJiM to R. of post L.c.J GEORGE. He always brings it back. Miss CURTIS. (Sighing) Yes, I believe he does. GEORGE. (Rises more pointedly) I wonder where it comes from. (Goes above piano.) Miss CURTIS. (Tossing her head) I haven t the least idea. Some silly girl, I suppose. (Sits L. of desk puts her own flowers in the bowl. GEORGE looks at DAVID "I know" goes up c.) DAVID. (Half rising, looking around GEORGE who is c.) Miss Curtis, could you tell us why Mr. Bev- ans has called us together this morning? Miss CURTIS. I have no idea, Professor Mac- Kenzie I m only his secretary, you know. He ll be here immediately. JIM. (Leaning against F. of post L.C. ) I bet it s a calldown for someone. 1 hope it s not me, this time. GEORGE. (Looks at wrist watch going to sofa L.) I don t think he has any right to keep us wait ing like this. Miss CURTIS. (Pleadingly) Ah, Professor Boyd, he has so much on his mind, so many calls on his time and attention, that really sometimes, I don t see how he gets through the day. Do you know he was up at six o clock this morning, taking the fur nace man to the priest to sign the pledge not to beat his wife any more no one but Mr. Be vans could make him go. And then there were five parents here insisting on seeing him parents are so incon siderate, I always think JIM. (R. of post L.C.) You certainly said some thing that time. 88 THE CHARM SCHOOL Miss CURTIS. ( GEORGE to L. of piano. Crossing to A. desk with pad of the reports places one on desk R. Crosses DAVID) And then the decorators and the carpenters, and I hope you won t mind my saying so, Professor MacKenzie, but a great deal of his time is wasted by delegations of pupils who want to drop your history class. ("AUSTIN enters door L. goes to L. of desk Lj AUSTIN. I m sorry to keep you waiting, gentle men. I wanted to get a report from the doctor. Miss Hays was afraid we had a scarlet fever case, but it turned out to be nothing but indigestion. (Sits L. of desk L.J Miss CURTIS. (Stands at sofa R. Crosses to sofa L,.) Oh, wasn t that fortunate AUSTIN. That will be all, Miss Curtis. ( Miss CURTIS,, "crushed" crosses and exits door R TIM goes slowly toward R.U. JIM sits at piano t slowly hitting the same low key. AUSTIN sits down at desk, but his eye begins roving about, looking for gardenia. He sees it on the piano, he crosses F V gets the gardenia TIM stops striking the key The BOYS all watch AUSTIN as he returns to his desk L. placing the gar denia on the desk (he does not put it back in the bowl). The BOYS exchange knowing glances except DAVID. GEORGE makes up his mind to have an understanding with AUSTIN starts to ward him.) GEORGE. Say, look here DAVID. (Rises quickly seeing GEORGE S inten tion Crosses F. to above desk L.) Austin. They are all trying to drop my history course. Now, it s THE CHARM SCHOOL 89 a splendid course. (Going above sofa L. TTM goes doum R. of R. desk.) AUSTIN. (Sitting at desk L.j It s a corker Dave. I mean, it is an excellent course, and I won t let one of em drop it. (Rises.) Gentlemen, one of you has been taking a pupil to the movies. (They all turn to him.) JIM and TIM. fJiM comes down to c.2 TIM goes to F. of sofa R. ) I can explain it, Austin. (To each other TIM goes R. of JIM.) What, did you take a girl to the movies? AUSTIN. Explain it, then. JIM. (JL. of TIM; Well I feel that the movies are one of the great modern methods of education, and when I found one of my pupils had never been to the movies I GEORGE. (Laughing at R. of post L.c.j Oh, go on, where would you find a girl nowadays that hadn t been to the movies ? AUSTIN. (Reproving) George JIM. I thought it was my duty to have her go TIM. (Crossing to sofa L.) I didn t think a clever girl like Sally ought to grow up JIM. Sally! Was Sally the girl you took to the movies ? GEORGE. (With a shout comes down between them) Sally, and did she tell you she d never been? (Laughs.) Pretty good ! She s been going regu larly ever since she was born. AUSTIN. I should think you fellows could see that it isn t square to me. It s so cheap to behave like that. That s just what everyone would say would happen turn five men loose in a girl s school and they d all be making love to the pupils DAVID. Not me, Austin. I swear it. (BOYS look at DAVID. ) AUSTIN. Oh, I know you didn t mean any harm, 90 THE CHARM SCHOOL but that sort of thing- musl not happen. And by Heaven, it sha n t. ("DAVID goes up L.cJ JIM. (Crossing to sofa L. TIM goes up to R. of post L.C. GEORGE steps down c.) Oh, very well, very well, but how about you yourself ? How about these continual flowers on teacher s desk? AUSTIN. These ? Why, these are out of my own garden. Miss Curtis is kind enough to bring them in every JIM. Yes, but that gardenia is not out of your own garden and Miss Curtis doesn t bring that in every day. AUSTIN. I don t know where that comes from. JIM. You haven t happened to notice any of the pupils who wear gardenias ? AUSTIN. No. 1 don t notice that sort of thing. JIM. (Slamming his hand on desk) Well, then, let me tell you AUSTIN. (Rises) Jim, you have more important jobs than to stand here gossipping about flowers. ("JiM turns angrily toward door R. TIM goes toward door u.L.cJ Jim, there s a telegram from Lucille. ("JiM goes toward door U.L.C. GEORGE starts toward door Rj Wait, George. ("GEORGE comes down R.C. to front of sofa R .) TIM. (As they exit door U.L.C J I didn t know you took Sally to the movies. JIM. When did you take Sally to the movies? ("DAVID starts to x. to desk R., picks up some papers.) AUSTIN. You wait, too, David. ("DAVID replaces papers returns to A. sofa L.J Now, I don t want to be unjust, George. THE CHARM SCHOOL 91 GEORGE. (Is just sitting on F. arm of sofa R, Rises quickly) Unjust to me? What have I been doing? AUSTIN. George, you hang about the halls when ever Elise Benedotti is changing classes. GEORGE. (At F. sofa R.) Sure, I do. AUSTIN. Well, that isn t right. I know you re in love with her, and Heaven knows it s natural GEORGE. Do you think it s natural to be in love with her, too ? AUSTIN. Yes no! You didn t let me finish. What I meant to say was that being in love with her, it s natural that you should want to speak to her. But you mustn t. It s breaking the pledge you gave me when I offered you the job. Isn t it, David ? DAVID. (A. sofa L.) In my opinion, it is. GEORGE. What do you suppose I came here for at all, but to see Elise? AUSTIN. To see her to be near her, but not to speak to her. (DAVID at desk L.) GEORGE. Well, I hardly spoke to her, I just said, "Oh, Elise, won t you marry me?" AUSTIN. (Too much interested) And what did she say? GEORGE. (Smiling happily) She said: "Oh, George, don t be tiresome !" AUSTIN. (Relieved) Now, don t you see how wrong that is? I consider it a point of honor with all of us not to have the least personal communica tion with any of the pupils (Enter Miss CUR TIS door R. She has a letter in her hand.) None, do you understand? (GEORGE starts to speak.) None ! ^GEORGE goes up to R. of post L.C. AUSTIN sits.) 92 THE CHARM SCHOOL Miss CURTIS. (To post R.C .) Excuse me for in terrupting, but this is Elise s letter. GEORGE. (Turns quickly, R. of post L.c.J Elise s letter ! AUSTIN. (Coldly is sitting L. of desk L.) Put it on the desk, please. Miss CURTIS. (Crossing to desk L V lays the let ter on the desk as she crosses GEORGE comes down on her R.) Yes, her daily letter. She s so punctual about it, dear child. Every morning- at nine it s al ways, "Miss Curtis, will you give this to Mr. Bev- ans, please?" She never misses AUSTIN. That will be all, Miss Curtis Miss CURTIS. (Starts to take the gardenia) Mr. Bevans, wouldn t you like me to take that gardenia away? AUSTIN. That will be all, Miss Curtis. Miss CURTIS. (Crosses to R.cJ Such a heavy perfume. I didn t know but it might give him (Exiting door R. muttering) a headache GEORGE. (To sofa L .) No personal communica tion with any of the pupils, eh? Oh, no! AUSTIN. ( L. of desk L. takes the letter, starts to open it) This is an exercise in English composi tion. GEORGE. (Turns to c.i.) Ah-h DAVID. (At desk L.j Yes, I can tell from her history papers that her writing, spelling, and punc tuation are very defective. GEORGE. (Angrily to sofa L.) Are they, in deed? Well, I never found them so. I think her letters are perfect only she hardly ever writes to me. But to you she writes every morning every morning at nine o clock. AUSTIN. George, you don t mean you doubt my word when I tell you that this letter is merely an English exercise? THE CHARM SCHOOL 93 GEORGE. (Tunis to L. of c. Back to audience) Of course, I doubt it. DAVID. George, how can you? AUSTIN. (Hands letter to DAVIDJ Read it, Dave. (DAVID starts to read it to himself.) DAVID. Out loud? AUSTIN. Of course. DAVID. Now, George, you ll be sorry for what you said. (Reading.) "Dear Mr. Bevans : Did you see the moon last night?" GEORGE, (c.) Hy! (During the reading, GEORGE keeps trying to catch AUSTIN S eye to show what he thinks of the let ter, while AUSTIN remains detached, looking steadily front.) DAVID. "It came out suddenly from a black cloud with silver edges." (Speaking.) Now that s pret tily put. GEORGE. Yes-r DAVID. (Reading) "It must have shone in at your window. I watched it a very long time, and hoped that you were not missing such a very lovely sight." AUSTIN. (Calmly looking F.J She used "very" too much. DAVID. (Reading) "You can t imagine how my love of poetry has increased in the last few weeks. We are reading Shelly now, and some of his lines ring 1 in my head day and night. I never thought before my death to see youth s vision thus made perfect. GEORGE. Gu! (Goes to sofa Rj DAVID. "I say that over and over to myself. Re spectfully yours, Elise." GEORGE. (L. of c.i.) Elise! 94 THE CHARM SCHOOL DAVID. Now, I call that, a very good letter though she should not spell hope with two p s. AUSTIN. Make a note of it, will you? (DAVID takes pencil from desk L V makes note on letter.) GEORGE. Why, it s a love letter. DAVID. Why, man, you re crazy. There isn t a word of love in it. ^AUSTIN rises, takes the letter looks at it.) GEORGE. (To sofa L.) There is, there is, too. Don t you see when she says "Youth s vision made perfect," she means Austin? AUSTIN. Me? Why, George, don t be absurd. GEORGE. (At R. end of sofa L.j And what about the moon, too (Enter Miss CURTIS door R.) Miss CURTIS. (Comes to post R.c.J Oh, excuse me for interrupting you again, Mr. Bevans. But Professor McKenzie s course in Constitutional His tory has been waiting fifteen minutes (DAVID crosses.) and they re getting so impatient. DAVID. (Crossing quickly to door Rj Impa tient for my course, do you hear that, Austin? (Exit door R. GEORGE goes up L.cJ Miss CURTIS. And Prof. Boyd s class in book keeping is waiting also. GEORGE. (Glares at AUSTIN, then goes out after DAVID, door R J Moon ! ("AUSTIN stops Miss CURTIS, who has started for the door.) AUSTIN. (Comes F. to L. of c.i. Miss CURTIS THE CHARM SCHOOL 95 goes to his R. Puts letter in breast pocket) Miss Curtis, when Mr. Boyd gives his individual instruc tions in bookkeeping, you are always present aren t you? Miss CURTIS. Oh, yes, yes indeed, I m always there. AUSTIN. Just how does he proceed? Miss CURTIS. Once a week he gives a lecture on the general theory, and then he takes each girl aside for about ten minutes and shows her how to balance her bank book, or to draw checks. Such a helpful course I always think. AUSTIN. Where has he been giving it ? Miss CURTIS. In my little office. AUSTIN. In the future, I prefer to have him give it here. Go now and tell him to finish the hour here. (Miss CURTIS goes to door R V turns, looks at him smiles, exits. AUSTIN goes to U.R. end of sofa L., picks up gardenia and stands looking at it ELISE enters P. down the stairs f wearing a gar denia.) ELISE. Mr. Bevans AUSTIN. (U.R. end of sofa very severe) Elise, you know perfectly well, it s against the rules for you to come here like this. ELISE. Yes, I know, sir, but do you like gar denias? AUSTIN. (Firmly) No. ELISE. No? AUSTIN. The perfume is too heavy. ELISE. (Goes to E. of sofa R. throws it into waste-basket) There, then ! AUSTIN. (Hides his in drawer of desk L.J Now, Elise, you must go. (To L. of desk -L.) 9 6 THE CHARM SCHOOL ELISE. (Crossing to sofa Lj But, Mr. Bevans, I want to speak to you about my letter. AUSTIN. (L. of desk L.) Your letter? ELISE. Didn t you receive my letter this morn ing? AUSTIN. Oh, yes, I believe I did. (Pretends to look for it on the desk.) ELISE. Perhaps you put it in your pocket. AUSTIN. Yes, perhaps I did. (Goes through his breast pocket, and at last reluctantly produces it. He takes the letter out and reads it ELISE watches him out of the corner of her eye.) ELISE. You see, I spelled a word wrong. Oh, Mr. Bevans don t you think that is a wonderful line? (She recalls.) "I never thought before my death to see youth s vision thus made perfect." AUSTIN. (Reading the letter comes to F. and sits up F. arm of sofa L.j It s all right, now, Elise, run along. ELISE. (Sits on sofa L. close to him) Do you mind very much if I sit here? AUSTIN. No, not at all. (Rises still reading the letter and crosses to sofa R. sits on F. arm.) ELISE. (Sits sofa L.) Do you suppose that s the way everyone feels when they fall in love? AUSTIN. Go to your class. ELISE. (Rises, crosses to him) Just one mo ment, Mr. Bevans. Don t you think Shelley is a wonderful poet? AUSTIN. (Rises, going up R. of desk R. to door Rj Leave this room. ELISE. (Runs to door R V stands with her back against it) Just a moment just a moment, please. AUSTIN. Elise, you must go. ELISE. (Very sweetly) Well, you can t exactly put me out, can you ? ? I tfl I THE CHARM SCHOOL 97 AUSTIN. Why can t I? I will, too, if you don t go yourself. ELISE. Well, I m not going myself, am I? AUSTIN. All right, then (Pitts his hands on her shoulders to shove her ant when the door opens quickly pushing ELISE into AUSTIN S arms he catches her to save her from falling. GEORGE hurries in, sees ELISE in AUSTIN S arms, and throws ledger on floor above sofa R. Stands glaring at them. AUS TIN unconsciously still keeps his arms about ELISE not holding her to him but his arms are rather awkwardly outstretched.) AUSTIN. What what do you mean by breaking into a room like that ? GEORGE. (F. of stairs sarcastic) I m very sorry, but, of course, I thought you were alone. AUSTIN. (Realising his position angrily crosses down R. of desk, crosses to L. of L.cJ Why the deuce should you think I was alone? ( ELISE crosses above to piano.) GEORGE. (Picks up ledger. Crossing to R. of desk R.J Because, you said because, I understood because, it s against the rules to see pupils alone AUSTIN. You don t seem to understand that you nearly knocked this young lady down bursting open the door like that. ELISE. fc.3 with a lovely smile) Oh, I don t mind what happened. , ( GEORGE shuts the account book he carries "bang" glares at them. ELISE startled, sits on piano bench.) 98 THE CHARM SCHOOL AUSTIN. (Looks at ELISE goes to F. of desk L> turns to GEORGE,) What are you doing here, anyhow ? GEORGE. (To F. of desk R.) What am I doing here? AUSTIN. Yes. GEORGE. You sent for me AUSTIN. Eh? GEORGE. (F. of desk R.) You sent Miss Curtis to tell me tc give my course here AUSTIN. (Irritably) Oh hu (Sits L. of desk L. picks up book.) All right, go ahead with your course. GEORGE. (F. of desk R.) What! Right here be fore you ? AUSTIN. Certainly. Is there any reason why you shouldn t give it before me? GEORGE. (Crossing to sofa L.) No. I have nothing to conceal. Miss CURTIS. (Enters door R. with composition books } goes to R. of desk R.) Hurry, Sally ! (SALLY enters door R. a small checkbook goes to R. of piano. ELISE rises turns, sits P.B. Starts playing softly.) AUSTIN. Oh, is it only Sally? I mean, is it Sally? Miss CURTIS. (Sits at desk R.) Yes, Sally has the first turn. AUSTIN. (Rising, crosses F. goes up L.cJ Oh, well, I ve got something to attend to but I ll be back. (ELISE is sitting on piano bench, catches his eye as he comes up L.C. AUSTIN exits door L. ELISE gets his last words, "I ll be back" swings THE CHARM SCHOOL 99 around on the bench and softly touches the keys. Stops when SALLY begins to speak. GEORGE crosses A. to L. of desk L.) SALLY. (Laughs loudly making fun of GEORGE,) Professor! Hu ! (Crosses to sofa L.) George the idea of you giving me a lesson. (Sits, sofa L j Miss CURTIS. Sally, Sally! GEORGE. (Snatching the checkbook from her, runs through the pages rapidly, severely "brother and sister" ) A very badly kept book, Miss Boyd. SALLY. (Laughingly) I have such trouble with my account, Professor. GEORGE. What is your chief difficulty? SALLY. Keeping any money in the bank. Miss CURTIS. (Sitting desk R. busy writing. Gently) Oh, Sally, Sally, dear, do pay attention to your lesson. GEORGE. I m sorry to hear that. (Sits sotto voce.) Listen to me, when I teach Miss Bene- dotti (He points at Miss CURTIS, at the door, meaning when I teach ELISE, get Miss CURTIS azvay.) SALLY. (Loudly) What s that? GEORGE. (Turns away disgusted to SALLY again) Oh! When I teach Miss Benedotti (Same business.) SALLY. (Understanding) Oh, I can t. GEORGE. You could if you tried. SALLY. Can t. Miss CURTIS. Sally, Sally, you must never say you can t do anything your teachers ask of you. SALLY. All right, if you say so, Miss Curtis. GEORGE. (Rises, rapidly) In that case, this les son is over. Add up the deposits, add up the checks, subtract the one from the other, and there you are. (SALLY grabs book, crosses toward door R. ELISE ioo THE CHARM SCHOOL who is on to the trick tries to run out after SALLY. SALLY runs out door R. Very sweetly.) Now, who is the next pupil, Miss Curtis? Miss CURTIS. Elise, Elise Elise Benedotti is next. GEORGE. Possibly, possibly. (Sits.) ELISE. (At door R. going to L. of sofa R.) Miss Curtis, I don t see any use at all in my taking this course. My uncle would always get me some little ac-coun-ta-nant to balance my book ! GEORGE. (Rising) Perhaps you wouldn t al ways find a little accountant at your beck and call. ELISE. (R.C., turns to GEORGE, then turns back to Miss CURTIS J I always have. (^GEORGE sits crushed.) Miss CURTIS. But, Elise, Mr. Bevans thinks this course is so important. ELISE. (Crossing and sitting down at once on u. arm of sofa L.) Oh, if Mr. Bevans thinks so. ("GEORGE rises takes her book.) GEORGE. (Looking through her book) Tuh tsh tsh this is no way to keep a record of your ex penditures, Miss Benedotti. (Very sugarly) to self to self to self why, you never enter what you spent your money for ELISE. Sometimes I do (Finds the place in the checkbook.) There s one for George s Christ mas present GEORGE. It was a wonderful present. (Senti mentally tries to hold her hand she snatches it away.) I mean it must have been at such a price. ELISE. Miss Curtis, do you think Professor Boyd ought to comment on the price I pay for things? Is that part of the course ? Miss CURTIS. Not exactly, my dear, but I m sure nowadays, we ought to be very grateful to any one who can tell us THE CHARM SCHOOL 101 ( SALLY enters door R., calls loudly.) SALLY. Miss Curtis! Miss CURTIS. Yes, Sally, dear. SALLY. You re wanted on the long distance tele phone. Miss CURTIS. (Rises flustered) Dear me, now who can that be? (Reaches for phone on lower end of desk R.) SALLY. (Beats her to -it grabs the phone. GEORGE writes on piece of paper "balance sheet" lays it on top of desk ELISE looks at it) Don t use that one Miss CURTIS. Sally dear! SALLY. The operator said that there was some thing wrong with the switches, and that if you used any telephone but the one in the pantry, you d lose your connection. Miss CURTIS. Why, how very strange! (Goes up R.C.) ( ELISE runs to back of Miss CURTIS.^ SALLY. (R. of desk R. still holds the phone) That s just what she said. Miss CURTIS. (Above sofa R., to GEORGE,) Did you ever hear of such a thing? GEORGE. (Has come to c.2) Oh. yes yes, in deed. It happens quite often, when the earth cur rents are running (Illustrates by holding hand out straight.) or I should say tending to run in an (Bends his fingers.) opposite or negative direc tion (Miss CURTIS moves toward GEORGE.J SALLY. (R. of desk R.) I m afraid you ll lose 102 THE CHARM SCHOOL your call, Miss Curtis. (Miss CURTIS hurries out door R. SALLY going up R. to door R.) Fixed it for you, sweetie ! (ELISE starts for her.) ELISE. I think I d better go. (SALLY exits door R. quickly. ELISE attempts to follow her out.) GEORGE. (Passionately) Elise! Elise! ELISE. Oh, what do you want? GEORGE. Can t you see that man is in love with you? ELISE. (Gasping) Oh, George, what do you mean? GEORGE. (L. of c.) Bevans is in love with you, don t you see it? Can t you feel it? ELISE. (R. of GEORGE,) Oh, George, what makes you think so? GEORGE. I don t think, I know. If you d seen his face just now when you were in his arms ELISE. Oh, I wasn t in his arms, George. It was because you opened the door so roughly. GEORGE. The point is, he liked it. He loved it. ELISE. (Enraptured) Are you sure? GEORGE. Of course, I m sure. I ve known Aus tin a long time I tell you he s wildly in love with you. That s why he makes you write to him every day. ELISE. Oh, no, George, that s to improve my handwriting. GEORGE. That s what he tells you, darling, but it s really because he s in love with you. Why, you should have seen his face light up when Miss Curtis brought in your note this morning. ELISE. Did it, George, did it light up? GEORGE. Yes, it did. (ELISE, enraptured, turns to R.C. GEORGE follows her.) He ought to be THE CHARM SCHOOL 103 ashamed of himself. Why, he s practically engaged to Susie Rolles. ELISE. (Laughs, sits on arm of sofa R.J Prac tically engaged what sort of an engagement is that? GEORGE. Well, I heard him tell your uncle, that the only reason he took the school was to make enough money to get married. He s all wrapped up in her. ELISE. But how can he be all wrapped up in her, if he s in love with me? GEORGE. What do you mean he s in love with you? ELISE. (Rises, goes to him) You just this mo ment said he was. GEORGE. (Confused) Well, I mean he was wrapped up in her and he would be still, if you d let him alone. ELISE. (Shocked) Let him alone! Why, George! (Crossing to L. of desk L.J You don t think I d do anything GEORGE. (Hastily F. of sofa L.) Oh, no, no, dear. I didn t mean that. I know you are too timid to give him the least encouragement. But, if you (Gestures.) wouldn t stir him up. ELISE. Stir him up? GEORGE. (Gestures) If you d just avoid him for a little while. ELISE. (Struck with the idea looking F.) Oh ! I might do just one thing and then the other (Imitates GEORGE S gestures.) First stir him up and then avoid him. That sometimes works wonder fully. GEORGE. No, no, dear. Just avoid him, just avoid him, then he d forget you. ELISE. (Laughs) Oh, George, you are so funny. That s what I do with you and look at the re- 104 THE CHARM SCHOOL suit f GEORGE turns to c.) You never give me back a balance sheet without writing "I love you" all over it (Gets it, on desk L.) Like this one this morning look all over this side (She hands it to GEORGE.J ("AUSTIN enters door L. as the paper is under dis cussion.) AUSTIN. (Comes down L.C. between them) Let me see that paper. GEORGE. (L. of c. shoves it up under his coat) No, I won t. AUSTIN. Give it to me. GEORGE. I will not. AUSTIN. George! (^GEORGE hands it to him. Between GEORGE and ELISE reading.) "I love you so much that I cannot bear him even to look at you!" ELISE. (F. of sofa L. L. of AUSTIN ) Now, who do you think he means by that him? Mr. Bevans? AUSTIN. (Looks from ELISE to GEORGE. To GEORGE,) Is this your idea of a lesson in account ing? GEORGE, (c.i.) About as good as your idea of a lesson in composition. AUSTIN. (Crossing to F. of desk L.) You ought to be ashamed of yourself. ELISE. Oh, Mr. Bevans, don t be so angry. It really doesn t make the least bit of difference. AUSTIN. There, I disagree with you. fMiss CURTIS enters door R. goes R. of desk R. GEORGE goes up to post L.C.,) Miss CURTIS. (Talking as she enters) There wasn t a soul on the wire and Central kept saying THE CHARM SCHOOL 105 "Number, please. Number, please/ 5 I do think it s so annoying. ( ELISE sits sofa L.) AUSTIN. (Portentously advancing to c.) Miss Curtis. ^ELISE sits, sofa L.) I believe I was per fectly clear a moment ago when I told you that I wished you to remain in the room during Mr. Boyd s lessons. Miss CURTIS. (Crossing F. to AUSTIN S R.J Oh, yes, Mr. Bevans, perfectly clear. AUSTIN. You understood my directions? Miss CURTIS. (Almost in tears) Perfectly, per fectly, Mr. Bevans. AUSTIN. May I ask then, why I find Miss Bene- dotti entirely unchaperoned ? Miss CURTIS. I was called to the long distance telephone AUSTIN. The telephone? The telephone is here. ELISE. (To GEORGE,) Tell him it wasn t her fault. GEORGE. (Coming down L. of AUSTIN,) Why, Austin, I I (Returns to post L.c.J AUSTIN. (Hardly waits for ELISE and GEORGE S lines) Miss Curtis, I feel a very deep responsi bility in these matters. Unless you can obey my di rections, I must find someone who can. Miss CURTIS. Oh ! ("Miss CURTIS goes to desk sits, head in her hands weeping.) ELISE. (Rises) Oh, Mr. Bevans, please don t be so angry with her, it wasn t her fault. . AUSTIN. Whose fault was it? ELISE. It was Geo it was Prof. Boyd s. He ll io6 THE CHARM SCHOOL explain it. (Goes to door R. opening it.) Don t cry, Miss Curtis, Mr. Boyd will explain. (She leads Miss CURTIS away they exit door R. GEORGE goes down c.) AUSTIN. (L. of desk) You ought to be ashamed of yourself after all I said to you GEORGE. Indeed. Well, how about you? AUSTIN. I wasn t making love to the girl. GEORGE. It looked like it. AUSTIN. It s just low-minded to think that be cause I m alone with a girl for five minutes I m mak ing love to her. GEORGE. (R. of sofa L.) Why isn t it low-minded then for you to think that I was. AUSTIN. Hold on. You were. That s the dif ference. You were. And I won t have it, George. You leave my school. GEORGE. (To sofa L.J No, I won t get out and leave you a clear field. AUSTIN. On the level, George, if I should find that one of these girls was developing a sentiment for me, I d stop it like a shot. (ELISE enters door R V she goes straight to R. of GEORGE .) ELISE. (To R. of GEORGE L. of c.) George, go away and leave this to me. AUSTIN. (L. of GEORGEJ Do nothing of the kind, George. ELISE. George, if you don t go instantly, I ll never speak to you again, so help me (^GEORGE goes out at once door R. ELISE advances to AUS TIN. ) I want to speak to you, Mr. Bevans. AUSTIN. (Angry F. of desk L,.) Yes, and I want to speak to you. You ought to be ashamed of THE CHARM SCHOOL 107 yourself the president of the senior class. You ought to set a good example to the ELISE. (Trembling with fear, F. of sofa L.) Mr. Bevans AUSTIN. (F. of D.L.J I say you ought to set a good example to the younger pupils. What I ob ject to is that it s so common it s so second rate ELISE. Oh, please don t be silly. AUSTIN. Silly! ELISE. Yes, what difference does it make whether George writes me letters or not? He doesn t mat ter. I I don t care for him. AUSTIN. (F. of desk L.J It s no affair of mine whether you care for him or not. But it is my affair that you shall not use my school to carry on a clan destine correspondence. (Crossing to F. of desk R.J It makes no difference to me what your feelings are ELISE. (Gasping, goes to L.I. of sofa R.J Oh, is that true? AUSTIN. (Turning to her F. of desk R.J Is what true? ELISE. That you don t care what my feelings are? AUSTIN. What are you trembling so for? Are you afraid of me? ELISE. No, no, not a bit. Yes, I am, terribly, but that s not why I m trembling. It s because I love you, I love you terribly. AUSTIN. (Trying to be calm) My dear child ELISE. (Trembling, L. of lower end of sofa R.) Oh, please don t say any of those things you think you ought to say about my being a child and not knowing what love is. I have so little time to tell you. George doesn t matter. Nothing matters but you I ve been silly sometimes, about actors and singers and thought I was unhappy, but I wasn t. io8 THE CHARM SCHOOL I enjoyed it. But I don t enjoy this (She trembles so as she talks that she can hardly speak.) I can t eat, I can t sleep. I have no peace except when I m with you, and then that excites me so it almost kills me. AUSTIN. (Protestingly going up R. of desk R.) Elise, Elise. ELISE. (L. of sofa R.) What shall I do, Mr. Bevans, what shall I do? AUSTIN. Now, just wait a minute please ELISE. Do you hate me to love you like this ? AUSTIN. (R. of desk R.) Let us be absolutely honest about this. Nobody hates to be loved. And no man hates to be loved by a lovely little creature like you. As for me, no one s ever cared about me much, except David and my mother, and I don t remember her very well ELISE. (At sofa R.) Oh, I m so glad. I mean that no one has loved you, because if they had, that would mean that you had cared for someone and then you d be absolutely irresistible. AUSTIN. But we re not going to have anything more like this at all. You ve got to get over this fancy, and get over it at once. ELISE. Mr. Bevans, when I m an old, withered woman, I shall love you just as I do to-day. AUSTIN. (Crossing to L. of c.i.) Nonsense. ELISE. (Goes to his R.) Or a little bit more, be cause I ll know more about it then. AUSTIN. (Turns to her) Elise, you must stop loving me. ELISE. (R. of AUSTIN ) I can t. AUSTIN. (L. of c.i.) You can if you try. Now try. ELISE. (Gaspingly) I don t mean to try. (Raises her hands with difficulty restrains herself from THE CHARM SCHOOL 109 thr oiving her arms about his neck.) Don t you love me at all? AUSTIN. (Firmly, untruthful) No. (Goes to F. of desk L.) ELISE. (Steps toward him) Are you engaged to someone else ? AUSTIN. (Attempting to quiet her) My dear child, what difference can that possibly make to you? ELISE. (Frantically) Can t you see what differ ence it makes to me? Are you? Are you? Are you? ("Miss HAYS enters door R., takes in the situation.) AUSTIN. Well, not exactly. (ELISE, sobbing hysterically, leans her head against post L.C.J Miss HAYS. (Above sofa R.J There are two ladies to see you, Mr. Bevans. AUSTIN. (To L. of desk L.j Parents? Miss HAYS. No, just ladies (Comes down c.2.; (ELISE gives a long sob. Miss HAYS goes to L. of sofa R.) AUSTIN. (To her L.) Elise, do try and get hold of yourself. ELISE. (Hysterically) I don t want to get hold of myself. (Runs out door R V sobbing hysterically.) ( Miss HAYS looks after ELISE turns, looks at AUS TIN pause.) Miss HAYS. (R.C. scornfully) Well, Mr. Bev- i io THE CHARM SCHOOL ans, it seems that Charm is like a good rule, it works both ways. AUSTIN. (Goes toward her L.J Miss Hays, it wasn t my fault. Miss HAYS. Oh, don t say that. AUSTIN. (c.$) You mean you think I wanted to that I tried Miss HAYS. (R.C.$) When you introduced five young men into a girls boarding school you took the responsibility of everything that might happen. You were obstinate and ignorant AUSTIN. Miss Miss HAYS. Oh, I know that determined and in experienced sounds better, in other words, you were a man and a young one, and so you went on your own way and you ruined this school this thing for which I worked and thought and planned for fifteen years. You take it up like a toy and break it for your own amusement ! (Crossing F. to R. of desk R.) Without a thought. AUSTIN. You re quite wrong. I ve given it a great deal of thought Miss HAYS. (R. of desk R.) Very well, then, you ve given a great deal of thought to ruining it. I gave the best years of my life to building it up. And I love it, like a child and I ve had to stand aside and see you do one mad thing after another. Mr. Bevans, give it up. Give it up to me now. I can still save it. AUSTIN. I ll do nothing of the kind. Why, the school is doing well. Look at the results. Look at the waiting list. My aunt never had a waiting list like that. Isn t that true? Miss HAYS. Oh, yes, that s true. (Sits R. of desk R.) AUSTIN. All the parents are satisfied, and the girls are certainly satisfied. And look at the im- THE CHARM SCHOOL in provement in them in their voices, in their manners, in their dress do you deny that? Miss HAYS. No, I don t deny that some of your ideas are good, and have proved more practical than I expected. AUSTIN. What do you object to then? Miss HAYS. To you, to you and these other boys. Do you know how easy it is to kill a school ? One breath of scandal AUSTIN. Of scandal? Miss HAYS. What parents call scandal. I dare say you don t know half of what is going on in the school. Do you know that those twins what is their names, Simpkins send Sally flowers every day? That George Boyd follows Elise about like a little dog? That every girl in school is taking snapshots of you and that a good photograph of you com mands any price AUSTIN. (Turning to L.c.iJ I ll confiscate every kodak in the school. It will be forbidden to take a picture. Miss HAYS. It s too late they all have them on their dressing tables in silver frames. AUSTIN. (Comes to c.2) You must order them off their dressing tables. Miss HAYS. I did. I said that photographs of men were not allowed, but they say their teachers are different. Oh, I ve worried myself sick over the whole thing, and I can t bear it any longer. I resign, I can t stand by passively and see things like this going on. AUSTIN, (c.2) Like what? Miss HAYS. Like what is happening to little Elise Benedotti, for instance. AUSTIN. Miss Hays, I am just as eager to pro tect that child as you are you make me feel very small when you talk like that. ii2 THE CHARM SCHOOL Miss HAYS. (Rises, picks up composition books) I m afraid I can interest myself very little in your feelings, Mr. Bevans. (Exits upstairs R.J (Enter Miss CURTIS, door R. She has a letter in her hand. AUSTIN goes to L. of desk L.) Miss CURTIS. Oh, Mr. Bevans, excuse me, I thought Miss Hays was here. I have a letter for her. AUSTIN. (-L. of desk L.J Miss Hays will be right back, Miss Curtis. Miss CURTIS. (Goes to c.) Mr. Bevans, may I speak to you? (^AUSTIN crosses F. to Miss CURTIS.^ I feel that after what happened this morning, I had better resign. AUSTIN. (L. of Miss CURTIS,) Resign! You want to leave us? Miss CURTIS. Oh, no, I don t want to leave you, but I thought you were dissatisfied with me, and I couldn t bear (She cant go on with the sen tence.) AUSTIN. There, there. I suppose I was a little hasty. Do forgive me. We really couldn t do with out you. (Miss CURTIS ready to cry, smothers "Oh, MR. BEVANS. ") Only please don t cry. (She tries to keep back the tears.) You won t cry, will you? Miss CURTIS. (Smiles, crying bitterly) I can t help it. It makes me so happy. Oh, Mr. Bevans, working for you has been such a privilege, such an inspiration. You know, I think I have been waiting for an inspiration all my life. (AUSTIN goes to L. of desk L V sits.) (Miss HAYS enters R. down the stairs.) Miss HAYS. Theodosia, when you have time, THE CHARM SCHOOL 113 will (Comes down R.U. AUSTIN to L. of desk L. sits Miss CURTIS to post R.) Miss CURTIS. (Going to Miss HAYS S L.) Oh, Eleanor. I have a note for you from Elise. (Miss HAYS takes the letter, steps down R.C. Miss CURTIS goes to post R.C., dries her tears, then goes to chair R. of desk R. sits.) Miss HAYS. (Glances through the note) Oh! (Goes to c. controlling herself.) Well, Mr. Bev- ans. Your catastrophe has arrived. Elise Bene- dotti has run away. Miss CURTIS. (Rising) Oh, Eleanor. (Crosses F. to R. of Miss HAYS.J AUSTIN. (Rises) What, run away (Goes to L. of Miss HAYS.J Let me see (Takes the letter reads.) "I couldn t bear to live another hour under the same roof. I shall be quite safe where I am going," Miss CURTIS. This is terrible. AUSTIN. Nonsense! She can t have gone far. She was here not fifteen minutes ago. Miss HAYS. Remember a trolley passes the gates every few minutes, which connects with all New England. AUSTIN. I ll bring her back. Miss HAYS. (Coldly crossing to R. of desk R.) I hope you may. AUSTIN. I tell you I will. (He goes to door R. and calls.) David, George. (As AUSTIN turns he almost runs over Miss CURTIS, he goes to door U.L.C.J Miss HAYS. Her uncle must be telephoned at once. (In phone.) Hello. Hello. AUSTIN. (Calls off door ux.cj Tim. Tim Miss HAYS. (In phone) Hullo. Hullo. 114 THE CHARM SCHOOL Miss CURTIS. (A. of sofa R.) Oh, no, don t tele phone her uncle he is so hard, so unforgiving. AUSTIN. (Comes down L. of c. Going to R. of c.2) Of course, Mr. Johns must be informed in stantly of what has happened. ( DAVID enters door R., goes to R.C.3.J Miss Hays, you ll stay and take charge of everything while I m gone. (JiM enters door U.L.C. goes down R. of .4.) JIM. What s the matter, Austin, what s hap pened ? (TiM enters D.U.L.C. goes to L. of AUSTIN. ) AUSTIN. Boys, boys, here s a fine state of af fairs (GEORGE enters door R V goes to between DAVID and JIM. Miss HAYS sits at desk R. takes the ad dress book and looks up the possible places where ELISE might go then writes out tele grams. Miss CURTIS is above desk R., helping her.) AUSTIN. Elise Benedotti has run away, and I m going to bring her back GEORGE. (DAVID is below him) What? AUSTIN. Elise Benedotti has run away and GEORGE. What? AUSTIN. George, that s a very annoying habit of yours, saying, what, what, what, when you under stood perfectly. Elise Benedotti has run away (Crossing to L. of desk L.) and I m going after her. GEORGE. (Crosses to sofa L.) So am I. (DAVID crosses above desk L. TWINS to Miss CURTIS .) AUSTIN. No, you re not, Your place is here with your classes. THE CHARM SCHOOL 115 (TwiNS go to Miss CURTIS, question her. She an swers them, then goes to above desk R. TWINS come to c.) GEORGE. You know a lot about what my place is. I know my own place, thank you. AUSTIN. Prove it then by sticking to your job. David, I want you to make a point flifiss HAYS replaces phone. Starts hunting the phone book and writing telegrams.) GEORGE. Stick here and leave you to go chasing Elise all over the country. I ll go and get her my self. AUSTIN. You know where she is, then? GEORGE. No, but I have means of finding out. TWINS. Sally will know. AUSTIN. Good idea. Get Sally, please, Miss Cur tis. (The TWINS run to Miss CURTIS, she exits u. stairs.) JIM. Yes, get Sally, Miss Curtis. (Comes back to c.2 TIM R. of .3.,) GEORGE. fL.c.J Now, that s not fair. Sally is my sister and it was my idea AUSTIN. (L. of desk L.) Look here, George, this isn t a game of hide-and-seek. This is a serious matter. One of the pupils of the Fairview School has run away and must be found at once. David, I want you to make it your business GEORGE. Why did she run away, that s what I d like to know? AUSTIN. We don t know. (To DAVID above ii6 THE CHARM SCHOOL sofa Lj There is a man raking the road, ask him if GEORGE. Well, I know. AUSTIN. What do you know? GEORGE. Why she ran away. AUSTIN. Why did she run away? GEORGE. I guess you know, too. AUSTIN. (Interrupting, to DAVIDJ Ask him if he saw anyone pass. GEORGE. Elise ran away because of you. DAVID. ( A. of sofa Lj George, you re crazy. AUSTIN. (To DAVID,) Never mind him, Dave. You go and question that man. (DAVID exits door ux.c.j GEORGE. I m not crazy. Elise ran away because you forced her to write you letters every day AUSTIN. If you haven t anything more sensible to say than that, for Heaven s sake, shut up. (To JiMj Jim fJiM goes to above sofa L.) I want you to go to the station and find out GEORGE. I won t shut up. I say Elise ran away because you forced her to write you love letters every day. AUSTIN. They weren t love letters. GEORGE. They were. AUSTIN. They weren t. GEORGE. They were. AUSTIN. They weren t. GEORGE. They were. (Continued ad lib.) AUSTIN. Oh, shut up. (To JIM, who comes to above sofa Lj Jim, you go to the station and find out if she bought a railroad ticket, and also find out where the trolleys connect with the trains. JIM. Yes, sir. (]IM exits u.L.cJ AUSTIN. Tim (Tin goes to above sofa L.) THE CHARM SCHOOL 117 run around to the garage, and get my car up and see that the tank s filled. TIM. Right-o. (TiM runs out ux.cj (SALLY is seen at entrance on stairs, overhears.) GEORGE. (Goes to F. of desk) I dare say there are worse things, things I don t know anything about. It must have been something pretty bad to make a girl like Elise run away. AUSTIN. (Turning to GEORGE,) George, you get right out of here. GEORGE. (Backing towards cj I ll do nothing of the sort. AUSTIN. You leave this room, or I ll put you out. GEORGE. You try, you just try. AUSTIN. That s exactly what I mean to do. SALLY. (Running down the stairs) George! (Miss CURTIS enters after SALLY, goes to above desk to Miss HAYS. GEORGE goes to SALLY.,) Miss HAYS. (To SALLY) I shouldn t interfere, my dear. GEORGE. (L. of sofa R.J Sally, where has Elise gone? AUSTIN. You tell me everything you know. SALLY. (Goes to AUSTIN S Rj Oh, I don t know, I don t know AUSTIN. (L. of SALLY J Sally, remember I m head of this school. GEORGE. (To R. of SALLY,) Sally, remember, I m your brother. AUSTIN. You re concealing something from me. SALLY. Oh, no, Mr. Bevans. AUSTIN. If you don t tell me where she s gone you ll leave this school. ii8 THE CHARM SCHOOL SALLY. (Commences to cry) Oh, Mr. Bevans, you wouldn t expel (Runs to Miss HAYS. GEORGE goes to above SALLY. ) Miss Hays, Miss Hays, you wouldn t let him expel me. Miss HAYS. My dear, Mr. Bevans is the head of this school. SALLY. (Turns to AUSTIN ) Oh, Mr. Bevansr s AUSTIN. I d expel you like a shot, unless you tell me where Elise has gone. GEORGE. Well, I can t expel you, but I can make it hot for you at home. (Pinches her arm.) SALLY. Oh, George! Oh, Mr. Bevans, I don t know, not positively, only Elise has an old nurse who s married and lives in AUSTIN and GEORGE. Where where, Sally? SALLY. In Bridgeport. GEORGE. Bridgeport, Bridgeport. A time-table for Bridgeport. (Runs out door L. Business with Miss CURTIS, turns and bumps into her, exits.) Miss CURTIS. (Rushes to desk L.) Oh, yes, I have one, I have one right here. AUSTIN. But what s her name, Sally ? Stop cry ing. What s her name ? SALLY. M M Maggie. AUSTIN. Maggie, but I can t go about Bridge port asking for Maggie the nurse. What s her last name? SALLY. Oh, everybody s got me so upset I can t think, but I do think it s O Brien. AUSTIN. Maggie O Brien, Bridgeport. (Hurries off door R. SALLY follows to above sofa R. GEORGE runs in door L. Wearing his hat. SALLY runs to sofa L V kneels, leaning over desk.) GEORGE. (To 0.3 ) Have you found it, Miss Cur tis? Miss CURTIS. Yes, yes, here it is. What time is it now ? THE CHARM SCHOOL 119 GEORGE an d SALLY. What time is it now ? GEORGE. (Looking at wrist watch) Five minutes of one, Miss Curtis. SALLY. Five minutes of one, Miss Curtis. Miss CURTIS. Five minutes of one, five minutes of one, and here s one at one six, now if you hurry you can catch it ( GEORGE starts for door U.L.) Oh, come back, Professor, come back, that train doesn t go to Bridgeport at all. But here s one at one-fifteen, a very good train that gets to Bridgeport at ( GEORGE again starts on a run for the door.) Oh, wait, wait a moment, Professor, come back, that s the Sunday trains I ve been looking at all the time. Now was n t that stupid of me, dear, dear. A.M. P.M. ("SALLY attempts to help her.) No, no, now Sally, let me manage it, I understand time tables. I always did. Here it is, here s your train one-twenty ( GEORGE again starts.) an excellent train, does n t stop anywhere. ("GEORGE again returns to sofa L., sinks on it tired out.) Miss HAYS. Theodosia, will you please go up to Elise s room and see if she has left any clew? Miss CURTIS. Oh, yes, indeed I will. Wasn t it stupid of me not to have thought of it before? (Exits upstairs.) AUSTIN. (Enters door R. To Miss HAYS,) I ll telegraph you from Bridgeport, Miss Hays, (TiM enters door u.L.J TIM. Car s ready, Austin, want me to go with you? AUSTIN. Certainly not. (TiM exits door U.L. To Miss HAYS.) I m going in the car. GEORGE. (Rises L. of AUSTIN) I ll go with you, Austin. AUSTIN. (Crossing) You will not. 120 THE CHARM SCHOOL GEORGE. All right, then, all right, then. I ll go on the train and get there first. AUSTIN. (Crossing toward D.u.L.cJ We ll see. GEORGE. (Follows him) Oh, have you got any money ? AUSTIN. Yes, thanks. (Exits door U.L.C. GEORGE follows him up.) GEORGE. (Starts toward Miss HAYS, about to ask her for money. Turns to SALLY,) Have you got any money? SALLY. No, but I ll get some. f MURIEL enters, downstairs.) MURIEL. Sally, what s the matter? SALLY. Muriel. MURIEL. What ? SALLY. Got any money? MURIEL. Two dollars. SALLY. Give it to me. (Takes it. MURIEL crosses to GEORGE .) ( ETHEL enters, downstairs.) ETHEL. Sally, Sally, what s all the excitement ? SALLY. Got any money, Ethel? ETHEL. Yes. SALLY. Give it to me. (The other GIRLS have entered, following ETHEL on stairs. She gets money from each. Goes to GEORGE.,) There you are, George. There s six dollars and eighty-four cents. That ought to take you to Bridgeport. GEORGE. (Takes it) Six dollars and eighty-four cents. Won t take me to Yonkers (Rushes off door U.L.C. The GIRLS crowd around SALLY, who has gone up after GEORGE, asking questions.) THE CHARM SCHOOL 121 GIRLS. What s happened, Sally? Etc. SALLY. Elise has run away. fMiss CURTIS enters, down the stairs.) Miss CURTIS. Eleanor, Eleanor! Miss HAYS. (Rises) Did you find anything in her room? Miss CURTIS. No, no, not a thing, but I just saw Mr. Bevans driving down the road so fast so recklessly. Oh, Eleanor, I m afraid he ll be killed ! Miss HAYS. (Grabbing the telephone) I m afraid not! CURTAIN ( GIRLS rush to Miss HAYS, asking questions, ist Miss CURTIS hushes them.) Miss CURTIS. Children children Miss Hays is phoning. fGiRLS rush to SALLY up L.C. Miss CURTIS up to window. Miss HAYS sits.) (2nd Curtain Miss CURTIS goes to look off, goes to sofa L., sits, crying.) CURTAIN ACT III TIME : Midnight. SCENE I : On the road. In front of the returns of Act II set, hangs a wood drop painted very dark, about ten feet of the center is cut out and gauzed, showing the road through the woods, with arched trees on each side. The ceilings of Act II have been raised, and a very dark wood drop hangs about ten feet back of the front one, this drop hangs inside the set. In the center of the gauge drop stands an old- fashioned buggy, the shafts have been cut off to about eight inches of the whiffle-tree and are close to the gauze. An iron standard comes up from the whiffle-tree over which are the reins. The top of the buggy is turned back enough so as not to interfere with the lights. A front curtain to the buggy is rolled up, the side ones are down. The buggy stands up and down stage, the horse is presumably in front of the picture or in the audience. LIGHTS : The two side lights of the buggy are fas tened to a board which is attached to the dash board; they are close together at first. A me chanical arrangement which AUSTIN works by turning a small crank, slowly draws the lamps apart, at the same time opening the kodak shut ters which have shut out the light, giving the effect of the carriage coming from a distance straight ahead. Two very small lens lamps of 122 THE CHARM SCHOOL 123 forty-watt power, lemon-colored, come slow ly up on dimmer to sufficiently light up the faces. AT OPENING: Every light in stage is out. No light in foots. It is midnight, and very dark. In the distance a very faint sound is heard as a horse trotting along slowly. Gradually two small lights are seen, at first close together, and gradually growing larger and drawing apart, while the horse effect also increases, drawing nearer. The two lens lights are sloivly brought up on dimmer to give suffi cient light to play in. The first border, blue, which has been way down, is slowly brought up to give a faint light to the sky. A MAN stands behind the buggy, and each time AUSTIN uses the ivhip, says "Git up," he racks the buggy sideways, AUSTIN and ELISE sw ay and lurch ivith it, to have the effect of going over a rough road. The horse effect also keeps slowing up, and quickening with AUSTIN. DISCOVERED: AUSTIN and ELISE seated in the buggy, AUSTIN on R. of ELISE. AUSTIN. Get up, Man War. To come down from forty horsepower to one. Get up. SLISE. The poor horse. He seems rather tired, doesn t he? AUSTIN. I have a fellow feeling for him. ELJSE. What, are you tired, too, Mr. Bev- ans? Then why didn t you stay at the hotel? Though I do think this is great fun, to drive all night. Oh, don t you think it s all been fun? AUSTIN. Fun? To be wandering about Bridgeport when there are twenty thousand Margaret O Briens in the darn town? And then to smash my car on that curve- fun ! ELISE. Well, you were driving it rather fast. 124 THE CHARM SCHOOL AUSTIN. I was in a hurry to get you home. ELISE. I can t see why there was any great hurry. AUSTIN. You don t seem to care about the anxiety of your uncle and Miss Hays. ELISE. Well, you telegraphed them that we were starting. AUSTIN. I telegraphed them that we started from Bridgeport at nine o clock last night. They ll think Oh, I don t know what they ll think. ELISE. They know I m with you. AUSTIN. Yes, they know that. ELISE. So they won t worry. Why should they ? Anyhow, we ll be back as soon as they re all awake, or very soon after. AUSTIN. If this brute doesn t fall asleep on the road. Get up. ELISE. You mustn t abuse him, Mr. Bevans. We were very lucky to get him, so far from the railroad station. AUSTIN. How I hate to drive a horse. Get up. ELISE. You do? Then I don t see why you didn t leave your car to be mended. The man at the garage said, if he worked all night (Counts on her fingers) it would be done by six, or certainly by seven. AUSTIN. I couldn t trust him, he had a mean face. ELISE. We could have driven home in an hour or so, and you could have had your night s rest as well. You needn t worry about me, because I think this is lovely, only you don t seem to be enjoying yourself very much. AUSTIN. I m not. ELISE. (Yawns) It s kind of lonesome, enjoy ing it all by myself. (Pause.) Didn t you think it was a good hotel, Mr. Bevans? THE CHARM SCHOOL 125 AUSTIN. An excellent hotel, Elise, the kind all your friends stay at. ELISE. They do? Then I don t see why you didn t AUSTIN. Because, my dear child, respectable hotels don t take in stray couples without luggage, especially if they are not married. ELISE. But why not ? AUSTIN. Because, oh, because they think they ought to stay at home. ELISE. But I think stray couples are just the ones who need to be taken in most. AUSTIN. Do you? ELISE. Do you mean to say a hotel wouldn t take us in just because we re not married? AUSTIN. Yes, I do. ELISE. I think the law should compel a hotel to take people in. AUSTIN. Well, it doesn t. ELISE. But it wouldn t have mattered with us anyway, don t you remember the hotel man thought we were married. He said : "Wouldn t your wife like a cup of tea?" AUSTIN. I didn t hear him. (Cracks the whip, the buggy lurches violently.) Get up. Get up. ELISE. We re going pretty fast. AUSTIN. Well, we re going down hill. Whoo. ELISE. This is better. I hate tea, but I took it. because he made such a beautiful mistake. AUSTIN. A very stupid mistake. ELISE. Mr. Bevans, don t you think there s go ing to be a thunder storm? AUSTIN. Why? ELISE. It seems as if there was something in the air, like electricity. AUSTIN. (Looking out) Perhaps there is a lit tle something. 126 THE CHARM SCHOOL (A low rumble of thunder is heard) ELISE. The hotel man didn t know you were a schoolmaster, did he, Mr. Bevans ? He thought you were just a young man. AUSTIN. (Exasperated) Well, it s a lucky thing I m not. ELISE. Not what? AUSTIN. Not just a young man. ELISE. (Sleepily) I wonder. AUSTIN. iElise, I must speak to you seriously. ELISE. Oh, I love it, when you speak seri ously. AUSTIN. You ought not to go about talking to men as you do. Of course, you are safe with me, but another man might misunderstand you. ELISE. I wouldn t talk to any other man, as I talk to you AUSTIN. I hope not. ELISE. I wouldn t. AUSTIN. You might. (Another rumble of thunder is heard, a little nearer, the rain commences to fall gently) LISE. No, no. AUSTIN. I m not a conventional man in my ideas about the position of women, but I assure you reserve is a charm in a woman, if she waits for the man to make the first advances ELISE. But supposing she did wait and he didn t make them? AUSTIN. Then she ought to wait a little longer. (Another rumble of thunder, coming closer. The rain is a little louder) THE CHARM SCHOOL 127 ELISE. I m terribly sleepy. AUSTIN. Go to sleep then. The horse has. ELISE. I d much rather stay awake and talk. AUSTIN. Stay awake and talk then. ELISE. Then I m afraid if I went to sleep my head might fall over on your shoulder. And I sup pose that would interfere with your Jrivir^. AUSTIN. Yes, it would, but if you i<Sm jour head against the corner of the buggy, it won t happen. ELISE. (Leans her head against the side of buggy) Like this? AUSTIN. Yes, like that. ELISE. (Fidgeting about) That s not very com fortable. AUSTIN. It s the best you can do. (There is a heavy clap of thunder, the rain falls vio lently, the storm is on them. AUSTIN lowers the front curtain of the buggy.) CURTAIN ACT III SCENE II : The school again. DAVID is sitting at the left-hand desk, with the telephone receiver at his ear. He has evi dently been waiting for some time. DAVID. (At phone on desk L.j Hello hello. (Miss CURTIS enters door R. in a great hurry, goes to right desk, picks up receiver.) Miss CURTIS. Hullo hullo. DAVID. Hullo. Miss CURTIS. Hullo operator. DAVID. Hullo is this Bridgeport? Is this Mrs. O Brien? Miss CURTIS. Hullo. Mrs. O Brien? DAVID. (Looking up) Miss Curtis, Miss Curtis, will you be so kind as to get off my wire ? Miss CURTIS. Your wire? Oh, excues me, Pro fessor, I did not notice that you were telephoning. Do forgive me DAVID. (Into telephone) Oh, hullo. Yes, I m trying to get Bridgeport. Miss CURTIS. Oh, Professor McKensie, where do you think they are? Not a word since they left Bridgeport last night at nine. I m so afraid they ve been killed, or something. And now Miss Hays wants me to telegraph Mr. Johns again, but I can t see any reason for getting him here he s so un sympathetic. Still, if she wants him, I suppose I 128 C/3 f THE CHARM SCHOOL 129 must. (She takes up the receiver again.) Hullo, hullo. DAVID. Hullo, hullo, Bridgeport ? Miss CURTIS. Western Union, please. DAVID. Miss Curtis, will you give me no peace on this wire? Miss CURTIS. Oh, excuse me, Professor. I quite forgot. How could I be so stupid? DAVID. I don t know it s a miracle. Hullo hullo Yes, I am. Oh, it is, is it? Well, you might have told me that half an hour ago. (Hangs up re ceiver. GIRLS enter L.J The wires are down be tween here and Bridgeport on account of the storm last night. Ill tell Miss Hays. That s why, we haven t heard. (He goes out. During the latter part of the scene, the GIRLS have been tiptoeing in ETHEL, MADGE and ALIX, SALLY, DOTSIE, door L/ SALLY. Oh, Miss Curtis ! Has anything new happened? Do you know anything? Miss CURTIS. No, dear, not a thing. (She hur ries out R.J SALLY. She spoke truth, then. runs to SALLY. ALIX to R. of seat R. MADGE F. of desk R. LILLIE R.C. SALLY at R. of U.E. of sofa L. Crosses to L. of desk L., sits.) ETHEL. (At L. end of sofa L. MURIEL enters; runs doivn the stairs, to R. of c.) Oh, Muriel, do you know anything new? MURIEL. (R. of c.2) Yes, oh, my dear, even Miss Hays is worried. (The GIRLS all gather about her, except SALLY. J GIRLS. Tell us, Muriel, tell us. 30 THE CHARM SCHOOL MURIEL. Well, last night after we had all gone to bed Miss Hays got a telegram from Mr. Bevans, saying he had found Elise. GIRLS. Where? Where? (Dancing about, goes to F. of desk R.) MURIEL. (L. of c.) And that he was leaving Bridgeport in his car GIRLS. Yes, yes MURIEL. That was nine o clock last evening. Well, my dears, where are they? (ALIX goes up c. MURIEL x. to L. of B.C.) GIRLS. I don t know. We don t know, etc. ETHEL. I wonder SALLY. Ethel ! MURIEL. Sally SALLY. Hu ! MURIEL. I can tell you what Miss Hays thinks. (The GIRLS group about her. SALLY is sitting L. of desk. CHARLOTTE, ALIX, MADGE are above her and the desk. ETHEL is at piano. LILLIAN stands R. of L.E. of S.L. DOTSIE is F. of sofa L.) GIRLS. What what does she think? (Run to front of desk L.) MURIEL. (Going toward sofa R. DOTSIE runs to her) She thinks they ve eloped. GIRLS. Oh, I don t believe Oh, what fun Do you think she would ? Etc. ALIX. (Dancing around the post L.c.J Twins want Sally. Twins want Sally. SALLY. (Crossing to F. of desk L.) Oh, muzzle it! (TwiNS have followed DOTSIE in, they stand just THE CHARM SCHOOL 131 inside the door, are carrying hats, coats, and traveling bags.) JIM. (Is R. of TIM) Hist Sally! SALLY. Oh, Mr. Simpkins, I can t come now TIM. (To L. of post L.c.J Just a moment, Sally. ^MURIEL pushes DOTSIE out U.L.; JIM. (To R. of post L.cJ We ve come to say good-bye. ( LILLIAN is above MURIEL. They have come to L. of c. ETHEL stands R.c. ALIX is sitting sofa R. MADGE is F. of desk R.) GIRLS. Good-bye! You re going away? ETHEL. Oh! Where are you going? SALLY. (Leaning over desk L.) Good-bye! Why are you going? JIM. (To A.R. of sofa L. puts hat and coat on sofa, bag on floor) Our beloved parent has wired for us to come home to Poughkeepsie. TIM. (To A. desk L. puts hat and coat on sofa has left bag L. of post L.c.J Seventy-five miles from a decent cabaret. JIM. (To SALLY; Good-bye. LILLIAN and MURIEL. ("LILLIAN is above MU RIEL L. of c. They join hands and dance backward to R.c., singing) "Vamp a little lady." JIM. (Going to R. of c.) Good-bye, girls. GIRLS. Good-bye. LILLIAN. Oh, Mr. Simpkins, I ll never forget what you taught me that little step, you know. (She goes into his arms dances, turns him about SALLY comes to L.C. TIM comes down L, to F. of sofa L.; 132 THE CHARM SCHOOL ETHEL. (Crossing to L. of JIM) We ll miss you a lot, Mr. Simpkins. (Arm through his.) SALLY. Hm ! JIM. (Releases himself from LILLIAN and MU RIEL, goes toward SALLY) Oh, Sally, could I have just a word with you? SALLY. (L.C.J But Professor McKensie will be here any time now MURIEL. We ll let you know when he s coming. his MADGE. VV C 11 We ll whistle when he leaves study MURIEL. That s a good idea, we 11 whistle. (The GIRLS run to various observation posts. LIL LIAN to door L. MADGE to door U.L.C. ALIX upstairs. ETHEL to door R V holds door open, leaning out. MURIEL upstairs. SALLY crosses to R. of c.) JIM (Going to SALLY S L.) Sally, we just wanted to say good-bye. SALLY. (R. of c.) I m so sorry you re going. School won t seem like school without you. TIM. (L. of JiMJ Without which of us, Sally? SALLY. Without both of you. (Goes to sofa R.J Aren t parents simply fierce ? TIM. You can t get up any argument on that. JIM. Sally, we just wanted to say that we think you are the finest girl we ever saw and we ve seen a good many in our time. TIM. (L. of JIM) That s right, we have. JIM. (Moves to her) Sally, maybe we ll meet again some day. SALLY. Oh, I don t know. I feel awfully dis couraged. My family want me to go to college. JIM. To college well, don t you do it it s just THE CHARM SCHOOL 133 four years wasted, that s all, and Sally, they don t teach you charm at college. TIM. No, nor to do your hair like that. JIM. Nor to dance the way I taught you. TIM. My dear Sally, you wouldn t like college at all. SALLY. (Disgusted sits R. arm of sofa R.J I never said I would. But my mother has always wanted me to go to Vassar TIM. To Vassar? Oh, that s different. SALLY. Why is it? JIM. (Goes to sofa R v one knee on it) Because we live in Poughkeepsie. TIM. (Goes to them) And Vassar s in Pough keepsie. BOTH BOYS. Oh, Sally, do go to college. TIM. You d see us steadily for four years then, Sally. JIM. And then, perhaps, you could make up your mind, which one of us you liked best. SALLY. I don t see how I ever could, you re both so perfect. TIM and JIM. Sally ("MADGE whistles.) SALLY. Somebody s coming. ("TWINS rushy pick up their bags, coats and hats.) TIM. (Going out) Come on, Jim. JIM. Good-bye, Sally (Good-bye ad lib. TWINS rush out door L.) ("Miss CURTIS enters door R.J Miss CURTIS. (At telephone) Western Union, please. Please give me Western Union 134 THE CHARM SCHOOL ( GIRLS crowd around her to hear what she is do ing. Enter MR. JOHNS. ) JOHNS. Where s Bevans? Miss CURTIS. Oh, Mr. Johns, we don t know. JOHNS. Teach girls charm teach em to be vagrants. Miss CURTIS. (E.c.2) Oh, Mr. Johns, remem ber the young ladies are present. JOHNS. Think parents pay you to lose their chil dren for them ! This is the worst kind of a school. (Turns L. of P.E.) (GIRLS ad lib. confusion go up toward c.) Miss CURTIS. (Crossing to the GIRLSJ You d better go, my dears, you d better go. (The GIRLS don t want to go, but she "gathers" them off door R.) (Miss CURTIS goes R. of desk R.) Miss CURTIS. (To c.) It will be all right, Mr. Johns. Mr. Bevans will find her. He always does whatever he undertakes to do. JOHNS. No, he does not. He undertook to take girls off their parents hands save em all trouble, and I have to come back from a business trip be cause he loses my niece the first crack out of the box. (Crossing to sofa R.) I say this is the worst kind of a school Miss CURTIS. (R. of desk R. Screams) Oh, Mr. Johns. THE CHARM SCHOOL 135 (Miss HAYS enters down the stairs R. and the words die away on his lips.) Miss HAYS. (On stairs to JOHNS ) I thought it was you. (To Miss CURTIS .) You see, Theo- dosia, I recognized Mr. Johns voice. ( JOHNS turns to her, then goes to piano, throws his cap on it Miss HAYS comes down R.C.) I should like to speak to Mr. Johns alone, if you don t mind. Miss CURTIS. (Crossing F. to her R.) Call me, Eleanor, if you need me. (Miss HAYS waves her away. Miss CURTIS exits door L.) JOHNS. (To L. of Miss HAYS,) Well, Eleanor, this must be a pretty serious situation, if you are at last willing to speak a word to me. Miss HAYS. (R. of c.) It is serious. Elise has done the most foolish thing a woman can do. She s taken a man seriously. JOHNS, (c.) Bless my soul, Eleanor. You haven t changed a bit ! Miss HAYS. Oh, yes, I have. I haven t taught school all these years and not learned something. JOHNS. I thought you knew all there was to know. Miss HAYS. I knew everything about you, Homer. JOHNS. No, you didn t either. Miss HAYS. Oh, was there more to know than came out in court? JOHNS. No, yes at least, but that isn t what I mean Miss HAYS. You didn t come here to discuss our affairs. JOHNS. No, no. Of course not. 136 THE CHARM SCHOOL Miss HAYS. Elise disappeared yesterday and Mr. Bevans started at once JOHNS. Why didn t you start? Miss HAYS. I ? I couldn t leave the school with out a responsible head. I have duties to other par ents and guardians (Crosses R. of desk R V gets her bag) besides you, Homer. JOHNS. Now isn t that just like you? Miss HAYS. What? JOHNS. You remembered your obligations to the other parents. But you never thought of me at all. Miss HAYS. You mean, I should have thought only of you ! JOHNS. Certainly. Miss HAYS. You re just as egotistical as ever. JOHNS. Egotistical for a man to want his wife to prefer him to anyone else. Miss HAYS. I m not your wife. JOHNS. But you are. Miss HAYS. (Crosses F. of P.B.J Oh, for such a short time, so very long ago. JOHNS. So long ago that you ve forgotten all about it ? Miss HAYS. Oh, no. I have an excellent mem ory for trifles. JOHNS. You re the most irritating woman I ever knew. Miss HAYS. (Goes to him) Homer, will you stop thinking about yourself, and consider the ter rible situation Listen, Homer. JOHNS. Well? Miss HAYS. Mr. Bevans found her and they left Bridgeport last night at nine o clock in his motor. JOHNS. (R. of p.sj Last night? You re afraid there s been a motor accident? Miss HAYS. I m afraid of something much more serious than that. THE CHARM SCHOOL 137 JOHNS. Why, nonsense, Eleanor! You iet your hatred of men run away with your judgment. Bevans is a dependable young chap. Miss HAYS. (F. of P.E.) No man is dependable where a pretty girl is concerned. JOHNS. Oh, you mustn t judge all men by me, Eleanor. Miss HAYS. Elise has fallen terribly in love with him. JOHNS. She has? Good! The school is mine then. But what do you know about love, Eleanor? You never felt it. Miss HAYS. Homer, can t you ever stick for five minutes to what you are discussing? (Starts toward door u.L.cJ JOHNS. Eleanor, you said that just as if you were married to me. Miss HAYS. (Turns to him) Well, I m very thankful I m not. JOHNS. You ve got nothing on me. Miss HAYS. (Coming to R. of sofa L.) Then if we re both absolutely agreed, I don t see why we can t be civil to each other hereafter. JOHNS. We can. I don t believe you know how friendly I feel toward you. Why do you suppose I sent Elise here? Why do you suppose I went chas ing after that fellow Bevans except to be sure that the school would come to you in the end Miss HAYS. (Goes to L. of P.B.) To me? JOHNS. Certainly. . . . That s what you want, isn t it? Miss HAYS. More than anything else in the world. It s always been my dream JOHNS. Is that the best you can do in the way of a dream ? Miss HAYS. It s a wonderful dream, Homer, for a woman who has no children of her own, to take 138 THE CHARM SCHOOL half a hundred of other people s children and teach them and train them and love them, and have them love you (Going to F. of desk L.) JOHNS. You d like it, eh? Well, you certainly shall have it. Miss HAYS. But how can you get rid of this boy ? (Turns to JOHNS.,) Why, you can t. JOHNS. I can t ? I can t get rid of a young fellow in order to give you something you want? Of course, I can. f Miss CURTIS enters L.) Miss CURTIS. Oh, Eleanor, Eleanor, they re here. They ve just driven up in the funniest old buggy. Oh, I knew Mr. Bevans would bring her back. (x. to*.) (Enter AUSTIN, ELISE and GEORGE.,) Miss HAYS. Elise my child where have you been? Mr. Bevans . . . AUSTIN. I ve been driving, Miss Hays, a a slow horse thirty-five miles, and I can tell you it s no joke (Ad lib. Together.) ELISE. Oh, Miss Hays, it was so wonderful driv ing all night through the storm. I never knew any thing so wonderful. (Ad lib.) GEORGE. Yes, you may as well ask where we ve been. Austin wrecked his car with his reckless driv ing. I ask you, is that any way to drive a car? (Ad lib.) JOHNS. Hold on, hold on. One at a time. Where have you been? (They all start to speak to gether again.) Wait, wait. Bevans, where have you been? AUSTIN. My car broke down outside Bridgeport, Mr. Johns, and I ve been driving a horse back. THE CHARM SCHOOL 139 ELISE. Yes, Mr. Bevans wouldn t stop anywhere though we passed some of the loveliest hotels. (Sits bench c.) Miss HAYS. Elise! Were you with them in Bridgeport, Mr. Boyd? GEORGE. Bridgeport I never got to Bridgeport, They picked me up at the gate. Miss HAYS. At the gate ! GEORGE. Yes, I was walking home. I never got to Bridgeport. Miss HAYS. I understood you were going to Bridgeport. GEORGE. I was. When I left here I took a taxi, and finding I d missed the train, I told the man to drive to Portchester, so that I could catch an ex press. It happened that I had only six dollars and eighty-four cents, and I sat there and watched that darned I beg your pardon that meter go up to five dollars and six dollars and when it got to six- fifty I was still a mile from Portchester. Well, I let him go on thinking I could make him accept what I had, but when I got out at Portchester and gave him all I had, he turned out to be one of these disagreeable people who won t listen to reason. JOHNS. You mean he wanted you to pay what you owed. GEORGE. Yes, he wouldn t compromise and when I said his meter was wrong that was a mistake, he had me arrested. JOHNS. Arrested! GEORGE. Just as the train pulled into the station and I spent the whole night in jail. JOHNS. How did you get out? GEORGE. Oh, the judge dismissed the case at once said the driver hadn t exercised ordinary pre caution in picking up such a fare. 140 THE CHARM SCHOOL JOHNS. There, young- lady see all the trouble you made. Why did you want to go careering (ELISE and Miss HAYS x. to sofa ~L.) over the countryside, anyhow ? (GEORGE exits L .) AUSTIN. (Crosses to L. of JOHNS,) Please don t shout at Elise, Mr. Johns. JOHNS. (R.C.) What s that? AUSTIN. Please don t shout. JOHNS. What s that? AUSTIN. Please don t shout. JOHNS. Well, I will shout. AUSTIN. Then shout, then. Elise has been under a great strain, and it s not good for her to be shouted at. ELISE. No, uncle, he s perfectly right. JOHNS. You think that because you ve run a school for a few weeks you know more about girls than I do ? AUSTIN. I know I know more about girls than you do ELISE. Why, uncle, he certainly does. JOHNS. Well, let me tell you, sir, that I m in a position to make you or break you, and the first thing you know I ll break you. Is that clear? AUSTIN. Perfectly clear, Mr. Johns. And if I could put my mind on it, I dare say I should be sorry, but as it is, it doesn t seem to matter because I have so many other things to think about. JOHNS. I suppose you mean the fact that you ve lost your school? AUSTIN. Lost my school? JOHNS. Certainly. Didn t I make the condition that none of your pupils should fall in love with you? AUSTIN. Yes, you did, but- JOHNS. Well, one of your pupils has made a fool of herself over you, hasn t she? THE CHARM SCHOOL 141 AUSTIN. Yes, but- ELISE. Oh, Mr. Bevans. JOHNS. I ve decided to foreclose take over the school put Miss Hays in charge. This is the future principal of the Fairview School. AUSTIN. You have no right to do this. JOHNS. No right? AUSTIN. Oh, legally you may have the right and power, too, but morally, you haven t. This school came to me and I put everything I had into it time, energy, thought, all my money JOHNS. Eh? AUSTIN. Well, your money. And I ve made it go, I ve made it succeed, and it s mine. No one ought to have the right to take it from me. JOHNS. Look here, young man. I want this school, but I ll make you a proposition ! I ll give you ten thousand down for your interest. I ll acknowl edge that your ideas have been a howling success. I ll guarantee to put them most of them in effect, and I ll give you a new job. AUSTIN. No, I don t want your job. I want to go on with my school. JOHNS. Well, you can t do that. AUSTIN. Then keep your old job, and 111 go back to selling automobiles. (Exit.) ( Miss CURTIS enters R. ) JOHNS. There s a very pigheaded young man. (ELISE starts to -follow AUSTIN JOHNS catches her hand. Circles around post, lands R.cJ ELISE. Uncle, dear, Mr. Bevans did not mean ex actly to refuse that job. 142 THE CHARM SCHOOL JOHNS. He didn t, didn t he? Well, it sounded like it. ELISE. I think you ll find he changes his mind. JOHNS. What do you know about it? ELISE. You ll keep it open for him a little while, won t you? JOHNS. (R.C.) Well, I might a reasonable length of time. (Miss CURTIS goes down R. to F. of desk.) ELISE. (R. of JOHNS,) Oh, uncle, you are a darling old lamb. (Kisses him.) JOHNS. No one ever called me that before. (ELISE goes to E. of P.) Oh, Miss Hays, before I go may I have a word with you in private about the general policy of the school? Miss HAYS. (Crossing door R.) Certainly, Mr. Johns. Will you come to my office ? As my man of business I have the greatest admiration for your organizing powers JOHNS. Well, that s something! (Exit Miss HAYS R.J Miss CURTIS. (As JOHNS follows Miss HAYSJ One moment, Mr. Johns. ( Comes to F. of sofa R. JOHNS on her L.J Please forgive me, but isn t Mr. Bevans the head of this school any more? JOHNS. No, Miss Curtis, Miss Hays is in charge now. Miss CURTIS. You mean, he won t be here any more? JOHNS. Never should have been here at all. (Exit JOHNS R.) (Enter AUSTIN L.J AUSTIN. (L, of u. end of P.B.J Miss Curtis, if THE CHARM SCHOOL 143 I may trouble you for the last time, will you tell Mr. MacKenzie. Miss CURTIS. Oh, Mr. Bevans, I m so sorry to hear that we are to lose you. AUSTIN. Thank you, Miss Curtis. I m glad some one is sorry. Miss CURTIS. I we shall miss you. AUSTIN. And I shall miss you. I shall never forget your loyalty and devotion. Miss CURTIS. And I shall never forget you, Mr. Bevans. (Starts toward door.) ELISE. (On the first step of the stairs) Don t worry, Miss Curtis, I know just how you feel. Miss CURTIS. (At door R.) No, you don t, my dear, nobody could. Good-bye, Mr. Bevans. (Ex its door R. } hardly able to keep back the tears. AUS TIN turns to go L.) ^GEORGE enters door L. x. to ELISE R.C. AUSTIN goes up L.C., gets coat.) GEORGE. Elise, I don t exactly understand what they meant about one of the pupils having fallen in love with him they didn t mean you, did they ? ELISE. * Dear George. GEORGE. You ran away to avoid his attentions, didn t you? ELISE. Just the other way, George. GEORGE. But Elise, I loved you first. ELISE. It wouldn t have mattered if you had loved me a thousand years. GEORGE. Oh, It s all right, Elise; it isn t your fault I know now why Austin wanted to teach girls charm it s the greatest thing in the world you can do anything, if you have it and I didn t have it and I guess I never will. Good bye, Elise. 144 THE CHARM SCHOOL ELISE. Good-bye, George dear. (She shows a strong inclination to kiss him good-bye, but he real izes and goes to above sofa L. ELISE goes to piano.) GEORGE. (F. of post L.c.J Oh, Austin, have you got any money ? AUSTIN. (Above desk L.) Ten be enough? GEORGE. Plenty. The rent s paid till the autumn. AUSTIN. Get things started, George, I ll be back in a few days myself. ( GEORGE exits door U.L.C. AUSTIN crossing toward door R.J ELISE. May I speak to you, Mr. Bevans? AUSTIN. No no You may never speak to me. ELISE. Oh, Mr. Bevans, you weren t so cross to me when we stopped for breakfast this morning, and you said that wonderful thing AUSTIN. I don t remember the incident. ELISE. You said, "Aren t you hungry, dear?" AUSTIN. It was a slip of the tongue. ELISE. But you said it as if you meant it. AUSTIN. I did mean part of it. I was hungry myself. ELISE. And didn t you rather like it when poured out your coffee for you? AUSTIN. I was glad to get the coffee. (He starts to go.) ELISE. Oh, where are you going? AUSTIN. Having lost this school, thanks to you 5 I m going to New York to get back my old job. ELISE. Oh, you needn t bother about that. AUSTIN. I needn t bother about that? ELISE. No, uncle is keeping that job for you. AUSTIN. I told him I didn t want it. ELISE. Yes, but I fixed it. THE CHARM SCHOOL 145 AusTiN t You fixed it? ELISE. Yes, I told him you d change your mind. AUSTIN. (Loudly, throws hat on sofa L. with coat) How did you know I d change my mind? ELISE. Oh, you just told my uncle I wasn t to be shouted at AUSTIN. You re the sort of girl ought to be shouted at ! You re the sort of girl ought to be sent to a nunnery, not a boarding-school. Look what you ve done in the last twenty-four hours. You ve made me quarrel with one of my oldest friends. You ve taken me away from my work, and you ve ruined my school. You re the most silly, reckless, obstinate girl I ever knew but you have got charm. (He catches her in his arms and kisses her.) CURTAIN ist Picture: They are still in each other s amis. 2nd Picture: They cmne down the stairs one on each step; they lean far over the bannister to see. CURTAIN 146 THE CHARM SCHOOL This play can be played in its present form with one less male character and two or more less female characters : i.e. NOTE: Jim and Tim speak most of their lines in unison, the few separate lines which each has, have been combined in another part so that they can be played as one part. The school girls are there largely for local color. If it is desired to cut the number down, Dotsy and Madge can be eliminated entirely by the Madge lines given to one of the other girls. The buggy scene was inserted after the piece had been played several weeks, and the entire scene, if advisable, can be cut out without any change in the dialogue of the succeeding scene. The only difficulty with the buggy scene would be the arrangement of the lights; but, if that could be overcome, it would be advisable to keep this scene in, because of its un usual quality and the charm of the dialogue, which constitutes a very good love scene. Changes in lines and cues when the parts of Jim and Tim are played as one. ACT I All characters use "Jim" in place of "Tim." All characters use "Jim" in place of "Twins." David Page 3 Cut and Tim. Austin Page 1 1 Cut I guess it would take two of you to do it. Use Well, I guess you ll have to keep on wanting. (Go into speech.) Johns Page 27 Cut Poughkeepsie The Smith Brothers without the beards. X o U) HOWDY STRANGER Farce-comedy. 3 acts. By Robert Sloane and Louis Pelletier, Jr. 16 males, 9 females. Interior and ex terior. Modern costumes. First produced at Longacre Theatre, New York, with Frank Parker in the leading role. "Elly" Jordan, a Brooklyn guitar player and singer with a ridiculously unreasonable fear of animals, gets a job on a dude ranch in Cody, Wyoming. Plagued by the various chickens, horses and cows on hand, he manages, with the aid of a young cowgirl who runs the ranch, to adjust himself to the West by dressing in cowboy clothes and ridding himself of his New York accent. Hilari ously farcical situations pile up when Roy Chadwick, a Jewish theatrical agent, mistakes "Elly" for a true westerner, packs him off to New York as a singing cowboy and makes him a sensational radio star in three months time. Chadwick s head begins to ache when he learns that "Elly" is a fake. Things look blackest for Chadwick when "Elly" refuses to ride a horse at the rodeo in order to cash in on a fat movie contract before the hoax is discovered. However, the day is saved when a psychology professor hypnotizes "Elly" into forgetting his phobia temporarily. "Elly," in a hypnotic state, wins the rodeo s bull dogging contest in record time, a feat which wins the girl, the picture contract and the acclaim of the press. (Royalty, $25.00.) Price, 75 cents. HELP YOURSELF Farce. 3 acts. By Paul Vulpius. Adapted by John J. Coman. 13 males, 5 females (extras). 3 interiors. Modern costumes. Produced, with marked success, by the Federal Theatre in New York. It is the contention of Help Yourself that bluff is the most important requisite to business success. Its hero is a penniless and unemployed young man who decides to get an adequate job by strategy and so he moves into a bank, gets himself a desk, presents himself as an expert on the Kubinski matter and proceeds to behave as if he were the treasured member of the organization. None of the bank officials knows what the Kubinski matter is, but neither the president nor the head of the board of directors is willing to confess his igno rance. Of course, in the manner of the good, old-time success stories, such enterprise is richly rewarded and there is a certain pleasant nostalgia about the resulting happy ending. (Royalty, $25.00.) Price, 75 cents. CHARITY BEGINS Comedy. 3 acts. By Ireland Wood.. 3 males, 7 fe males. Interior. Modern costumes. First produced at the Aldwych Theatre in London. The Deveral household consists of old Mrs. Deveral, her middle- aged children Agnes who is efficient, Emily who is muddle- headed, and Henry who is fussy and Judy Deveral, her grand daughter. Rodney Walter, Henry s agent, is making love to Judy, and she prefers him to the young and unsophisticated Bobbie Forrester, who also loves her. It is Judy s eighteenth birthday, and her relations feel that it is time to tell her about Aunt Catherine, the black sheep of the family, who is sup posed to have run off with another woman s husband. It is the day of the village bazaar, and amid a lot of hustle and bustle Catherine enters the prodigal daughter most inop portunely returned! As the day progresses Old Mrs. Deveral becomes fractious, the Fete entertainment falls through and Judy decides to run away with the unpleasant Rodney. Things are going from bad to worse when Catherine steps in. She pacifies her mother, gives a talk on her experiences to the Village audience, and convinces Judy that Bobbie is nicer than Rodney. We hear, incidentally, that she never actually eloped with her Philip after all. (Royalty, $15.00.) Price, 75 cents. THE GHOST FLIES SOUTH Comedy. 3 acts. By Frederick Jackson. 4 males, 7 females. Interior. Modern costumes. Anita and Diana, who have been reared to regard gambling as something of a major vice, decide to gamble on the stock market regardless, and with beginner s luck they win four hundred thousand dollars. In order to keep Morgan, an anti- gambling addict and Anita s fiance, from discovering the situation they tell him that the money was left Anita by an Uncle William who died in the west. The little lies grow be yond the control of the two girls in an amusing series of climaxes. Most amusing and concerned is Grandma, who has to be convinced that she had a son William. Morgan finally sees a flaw and hires a cowboy and an Indian squaw actors to come and blackmail Anita for half the money. They are to represent William s partner and wife. Anita realizes what Morgan has done, so she scares the two with threats and they leave. She then tells Morgan that she gave them the money, but he can t find them. Finally the situation is cleared, and Anita is conceded to be very clever indeed. (Royalty, $25.00.) Price, 75 cents. CROWING PAINS Comedy. 3 acts. By Aurania Rouverol. 7 males, 8 females, i set (patio). Modern costumes. Produced originally at the Ambassador Theatre in New k. George and Terry are the son and daughter of Professor and Mrs. Mclntyre who str n;h to lead their chil dren through the difficult phases of adolescence, so familiar to us all. Terry is sho\vn outgrowing the toml and unable to play with the boys on an equal status. She finds herself thrown back on her feminine and how she tries out her "resources." makes this play an illuminating .study of feminine p- the boy adolescent, goes through the customan symptoms o: begging his parents for a car and falling victim of the wiles of Prudence, a successful "vamp" in the neighborhood. At a par: e more ice cream. In his rush to get back for his dance with Prudence, he passes a traffic light, and is pursued home by an officer, subsequv . is hauled off to jail, l.>ses Prudence, but discovers a new blue- eyed blonde in the neighborhood. (Royalty, $25.1 .nts. THE BISHOP MISBEHAVES Farce-comedy. 3 acts. By Frederick Jackson. 7 males, 3 females. 2 interiors. Modern costup Produced originally by John Golden at the Court Theatre, s York, with Walter Connolly in the leading role. Here is the story of the Bishop, an elderly and saintly dignitary, who stops by accident with his chairning and quaint sister at a roadside inn just after there t hold-up and rob bery. The Bishop has always had a secret love for detective stories and here is a chance to apply some of his choicest itions. His sister, thrilled with the excitement of it all, erly joins in. The Bishop, nov, policeman, gobbles 5 and discovers the stolen jewels. Deftly removing them from a mug on the wall he leaves in their stead, one of his calling cards, and proceeds to his home to await developments. The developments arrive in the form of three ruffians, the masked hero in evening clothes, and the attractive heroine who had engineered the robbery. From now on it is a game of outguessing, turning tables, turning out lights, knife-bran dishing, and gun-play, until the Bishop finally emerges tri umphant to bestow his blessing on the young hero and charm ing heroine. (Royalty, $25.00.) Price, 75 cent*. $W^0Q 1 s m r ^*~-