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 AFTER DINNER 
 STORIES
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES
 
 
 COMPILED BY 
 E. C. LEWIS 
 
 [E MUTUAL BOOK CO. 
 
 PUBLISHERS 
 BOSTON. MASS.
 
 Copyright 1905 
 by The Mutual Book Company
 
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES '^o'>' 
 
 MARK TWAIN'S LAWN MOWER 
 
 HERE is a new Mark Twciin story, or rather an 
 old one recently come to light. Some years ago 
 the fcimous humorist asked a neighbor if he might 
 read a set of his books. The neighbor replied 
 ungraciously that he was welcome to read them 
 
 in his library, but he had a rule never to let a book leave the 
 
 house. Some weeks later the same neighbor sent over to eisk 
 
 for the loan of his lawn mower. 
 
 " I shall be very glad to loan you my lawn mower," said 
 
 Mark Twain, " but since I make it a rule never to let it leave 
 
 my lawn you wall be obliged to use it there." 
 
 NO INTERRUPTION 
 Senator Perkins of California tells a story of a scene in a 
 court room on the coast where a maui arrested for robbery ve- 
 hemently asserted his innocence, even eifter he had been convic- 
 ted by a jury. 
 
 " May the Almighty strike me dead on this spot if I am not 
 innocent !" he shouted. 
 
 The judge waited for a minute or two. Then he said: 
 " Well, prisoner, as Providence has not interfered I will take 
 a hand and sentence you to three years of hard labor." 
 
 7
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 EXCUSABLE 
 
 This Mr. Carnegie considers his choicest Scotch story: 
 " Once at a party there was a crusty old Scot seated at a 
 whist table, playing passionately, and his partner was a young 
 woman, the daughter of a neighboring laird. You are to imag- 
 ine this young womem's surprise, in the heat of the game,when 
 the old fellow threw down his cards, and bawled at her: 
 
 " 'What kind of game are ye playin', ye darned auld ' 
 
 " And then, recollecting himself, he bowed, and said humbly 
 to the outraged girl: 
 
 " 'Your pardon's begged madam. I took ye, in the excitement, 
 for my ain wife.* " 
 
 NO LACK OF STRENGTH 
 
 Bill (to sick friend, who, with lots of others, is suffering 
 from nausea on ship board): "What's the matter? Weak 
 stomach?" 
 
 Sick Friend (Indignantly): " What makes you think I've 
 got a weak stomach? Ain't I throwing it as far as any body?" 
 
 NOT ACCORDING TO HIS LOGIC 
 An Irishman and a Frenchman were disputing over the 
 nationality of a friend of theirs. 
 
 " I say," said the Frenchman, " that he was bom in France: 
 therefore he is a Frenchman." 
 
 " Not at all," said Pat; " begorra, if a cat should have kittens 
 m the oven would you call them biscuits?" 
 
 8
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 AWAITING THE ANSWER 
 
 " You probably don't remember me," began the self-made 
 man proudly, " but 20 years ago, when I was a poor, humble 
 boy, you gave me a message to carry 
 
 " Yes, yes," cried the busy man. "Where's the answer?" 
 
 THE POET AGAIN 
 
 He had long hair and a pensive look. He wrote a poem en- 
 titled "Why I Live." He signed it Augustus and sent it to a mag- 
 azine. 
 
 The editor wrote him as follows: " My dear Augustus, the 
 reason why you live, is because you sent the poem by mail in- 
 stead of bringing it personally." 
 
 THIS JOKE WILL MAKE GOOD 
 Two Irishmen were looking at Niagara Falls. Riley pointed 
 
 to the Horse Shoe falls and said: " Isn't that wonderhil, Kelly?" 
 " Wontherful!" says KeDy, " what's wontherful?" 
 "Why, to see all that water come thundering over them 
 
 rocks." 
 
 "I don't see as it's wontherhil. What the hell is there to 
 
 hinther it from coming aver?" 
 
 A WARNING 
 A one-eyed man was cheating at poker. A man who de- 
 tected him said: " The first man I catch cheating, I'll shoot his 
 other eye out." 
 
 9
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 MOTHER IN LAW AGAIN 
 
 " When he proposed, did you tell him to see me?" inquired 
 her mother. 
 
 " I did," replied Gladys, " and he said he'd seen you sev- 
 eral times but that he loved me just the same." 
 
 THE IRISHMAN AND THE MULE 
 
 General Phil Sheridan was at one time asked at what little 
 incident did he laugh the most. 
 
 " Well," he said, " 1 do not know, but I always laugh when 
 I think of the Irishman and the army mule. I was riding dovm the 
 line one day when I saw an Irishman mounted on a mule which 
 was kicking its legs rather heely. The mule finally got its hoof 
 caught in the stirrup, when, in the excitement, the Irishman re- 
 marked: * Well, begorra, if you're goin' to git on I'll git off.' " 
 
 PROOF POSITIVE 
 
 Sunday-School Superintendent: " Who led the children of 
 Israel into Canaan? Will one of the smaller boys answer?" 
 
 No reply. 
 
 Superintendent (somewhat sternly): " Can no one tell? Little 
 boy on that seat next to the aisle, who led the children of Israel 
 into Canaan?" 
 
 Little Boy (badly frightened): " It wasn't me. I I just 
 
 moved yere last week f'm Mizzoury." 
 
 10
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 DOING HIS BEST 
 
 Gen. Gordon, of Georgia, relates that in the midst of a great 
 battle he saw a man running from a very dose situation. 
 
 "What are you running for?" demanded the disgusted gen- 
 eral in a stem vojce. " Golly, General," said the fleeing man, 
 "I'm running because I can't fly!" 
 
 HE SIMPLY LOOKED THAT WAY 
 
 The man in the smoker was boasting of his unerring ability to 
 to tell from a man's looks exactly what city he came from. 
 " You for example," he said to the man next to him, " you are 
 from New Orleans?" He was right. 
 
 "You my friend," turning to the man on the other side of 
 him, " I should say you are from Chicago?" Again he was right. 
 
 The other two men got interested. 
 
 "And you are from Boston?" he asked the third man. 
 
 "That's right too," said the New Englander. 
 
 "And you are from Philadelphia, I should say?" to the last 
 man. 
 
 "No, sir," answered the man with considerable warmth; 
 "I've been sick for three months; that's what makes me 
 look that way!" 
 
 A DOUBLE ORDER 
 A small boy rushed into a drug store and excitedly called for 
 some liniment and cement. When asked why he desired them 
 both at once he said nervously: " Pa hit Ma with a cup." 
 
 11
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 THE BONE OF CONTENTION 
 
 " At Hale's Ford in Virginia," said Booker Washington, 
 " I used to know in my boyhood an old colored man called 
 Uncle Sam. 
 
 " Uncle Sam during the civil war took a great interest in the 
 conflict, but he did not fight himself. A white man took him to 
 task about this one day, 
 
 " 'Look here, Uncle Sam,' he said, 'here are the men of the 
 north and the men of the south killing one another off on your 
 account. Why don't you pitch in and join them?' 
 
 " Uncle Sam looked at his interlocutor with a pleasant smile. 
 
 " 'Mah frien',' he said, 'has yo* evah seen two dawgs a'fightin' 
 ovah a bone?' 
 
 " 'Of course I have,' said the white man. 
 
 " 'Did yo' evah see the bone fight?' said Uncle Sam." 
 
 HAD TO SEND IT 
 
 " I had run up to Glasgow on my way to the Highlands,' 
 said Mark Twain, " and stepped into a telegraph and postal 
 station to send a despatch to a friend in London. I asked several 
 questions as to how long it would take, when the message 
 would be delivered, etc. The girl at the desk was inclined to 
 be snubbish, and at the third or fourth question she cut me dead. 
 
 " But I got even with her. I just sent my friend this message: 
 'Arrived safely. Girls here ugly and bad-tempered.' And she 
 had to send it too!" 
 
 12
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 HAD REACHED THE LIMIT 
 
 Pat McCarthy gave a dinner, to which he invited three or 
 four of his neighbors. Pat had allowed his wife to cook only one 
 chicken. When dinner was served Pat took possession of the 
 carving knife, and, in a most hospitable tone, said to Mrs. Dugan: 
 
 " What part of the fowl will you have?" 
 
 " A leg, if you please," was the answer. 
 
 " An' what part will yez have? Would yez loike some of the 
 white?" Pat inquired of Mrs. O' Hooligan. 
 
 " An' a leg will do me," she answered. As each answered 
 the part of the fowl she desired was given her. 
 
 " What part will yez have, Moike Walsh?" Pat blandly 
 inquired of his neighbor. 
 
 " Oi belave Oi will take a leg, too," said Mike, in his most 
 modest way, wishing to follow in the footsteps of the rest of the 
 compciny. 
 
 " Begorra," said Pat to Mickey, "what does yez think Oi'm 
 carving — a spider? ' ' 
 
 A POSSIBLE CHANCE 
 Abraham Benedict tells of a school teacher in Rochester who 
 had a great deal of difficulty with a few mischievous boys. 
 One day, when one of them had given her a great deal of 
 annoyance, she said to him: " I wish I could be your mother 
 for just about one week. I would rid you of your naughty dis- 
 position." 
 
 " Very well, I will speak to father about it," promptly re- 
 sponded the lad. 
 ^ 13
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 SO MOTHER— SO SON 
 
 Vincent wais altogether too garrulous in school to please his 
 teachers. Such punishments as the institution allowed to be 
 meted out were tried without any apparent effect upon the boy 
 until at last the head master decided to mention the lad's fault 
 upon his monthly report. 
 
 So the next report to his father had these words : " Vincent 
 talks a great deal." 
 
 Back came the report by mail duly signed, but with this 
 written in red ink under the comment: "You ought to hear his 
 mother." 
 
 HOW MARK TWAIN WAS MISJUDGED 
 When Mark Twain was a young and struggling newspaper 
 writer, in San Freincisco, a lady of his acqueiintance saw him one 
 day with a cigar-box under his arm looking in a shop window. 
 " Mr. Clemens," she said, " I always see you with a cigar- 
 box under your arm. I am afraid you are smoking too much." 
 " It isn't that," said Mark. "I'm moving again." 
 
 A CLEVER RETORT 
 A couple of Englishmen going down Broadway in New 
 York City, thought they would have some fun with a newsboy 
 whom they were about to pass. So one of them said to him : 
 "Say, Johnny, what time is it by the end of your nose?" The 
 kid answered in an ordinary manner. "I don't know. Mine 
 
 ain't running, is yours ?" 
 
 14
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 LOOKED UKE IT TO THE CHILD 
 A lady and her little daughter were walking through a 
 fashionable street when they came to a portion of the street 
 strewn with straw, so as to deaden the noise of vehicles passing 
 a certciin house. 
 
 "What's that for, Ma?" said the child, to which the mother 
 replied, "The lady who lives in that house, my dear, has had a 
 little baby girl sent her." The child thought a moment, looked at 
 the quantity of straw, and said: "Awfully well packed, wasn't 
 she, Ma?" 
 
 THE CONFUSION OF THE GOOD SAMARITAN 
 A certain benevolent old gentleman while out walking noticed 
 a child of about eight or nine years crying on the steps of a near- 
 by house. 
 
 "Why are you crying, my little man?" said he. "I can't reach 
 the bell on the door," replied the youngster and he burst again 
 mto sobs. "I will ring it for you," said the kindly old fellow, and 
 with good intent he mounted the steps and pulled strongly on 
 the bell-pull. 
 
 As he descended the steps the little fellow looked up at him 
 and w^th his face wreathed in smiles he said "T'ank you, now 
 we both got to run, ain't we?" 
 
 BEATS THE COAL TRUST 
 A friend of mine has a father who is the meanest man I ever 
 knew. He never buys any coal. He lives near a railroad and 
 makes faces at the engineer. 
 
 16
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 WHAT THE "GRIP" IS 
 
 Asked what made him look so ill, an Irishman replied, " Faith, 
 I had the grip last winter." To draw him out the questioner 
 asked " What is the grip, Patrick ?'* 
 
 "The grip! " he says. "Don't you know what the grip 
 is? It's a disease that makes you sick six months after you 
 get well." 
 
 DEATH PREFERRED 
 
 A Hebrew falls into a river and is swimming ashore, when 
 an Irishman shouts at him, "Don't you know there is a $50 
 fine for swimming here?" The Hebrew says "I vont pay 
 it," puts up his hands and sinks. 
 
 NO SUBSTITUTE NEEDED 
 
 Someone asked the Kentucky Colonel if there was any cure 
 for a snake bite except whiskey. " Who the h — cares whether 
 there is or not ! " said the Colonel. 
 
 THE LITTLE BOY AND THE TARTS 
 A smcJl boy stood in front of the bakery gazing wistfully at 
 
 the array of tarts displayed in the window. He had pretty 
 
 golden curls and an innocent face that appealed to the passers- 
 
 by.^ 
 
 " Would you like onp of those tarts ? " asked an old lady 
 
 who approached. 
 
 " Would I like one of them tarts ? " was the reply. " Hell, 
 
 would I like forty of 'em." 
 
 16
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 "GOT HIMDAR" 
 
 There is cin old negro in Austin, who claims to have studied 
 " flosify outen a book." He propounds unainswerable questions 
 to the lawyers whose rooms he cleans, cind he discusses " pints 
 o' law ' ' with the justice of the peace of his precinct. Yester- 
 day he went into the justice court and said : " Jedge, kin I get 
 a 'dictment writ agin dat wuffless nigger, Pete ? " 
 
 " What's he been doing ? " 
 
 " He's a procrastimator. He's bin a procrastimatin*, sah I " 
 
 " Procastinating ? " 
 
 " Yes, sah, dat's what he's been doin' fur a fac'." 
 
 " But there's no law against that." 
 
 " No law agin procrastimation ? Den what's de law fur ? 
 Ain't procrastimation de thief ob time ? " 
 
 " Certainly, I believe it has been so stated." 
 
 " Well, den, ain't Pete a thief ? " 
 
 " Yes, you might so construe it, but you cannot convict a 
 main for steaJin' time." 
 
 " No, but, when we hab got de proof on him fur stecilin 
 money, fur don't flossify say dat time am money ? Got yer 
 dar, jedge." 
 
 And, while the judge euid the lawyers groaned, the old man 
 went out chuckling to himself : " Got him dar. Got de jedge 
 dis time suah yer a foot high." 
 
 " How many of yese is dowTi there ? " yelled the quarry boss 
 from the top of the quarry to the workmen below. The ans- 
 wer came back, " Three." The boss replied, " half of yese 
 come right up." 
 
 17
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 NOT A NEW BOOK 
 Mark Twain as a humorist is no respecter of persons, and a 
 story is told of him and Bishop Doane which is worth repeat- 
 ing. It occurred when Mark Twain was living in Hartford, 
 where Mr. Doane was then rector of an Episcopal church. 
 Twaiin had listened to one of the doctor's best sermons, on Sun- 
 day morning, when he approached him and said politely : " I 
 have enjoyed your sermon this moming. I welcomed it as I 
 would an old friend. I have a book in my library that contains 
 every wordof it." " Impossible, sir," replied the rector, indig- 
 nantly. " Not at all. I assure you it is true," said Twain. " Then 
 I shall trouble you to send me that book," rejoined the rector 
 v^^th dignity. The next moming Dr. Doane received, with 
 Mark Twain's compliments, a dictionary. 
 
 THE UNSOLVED PROBLEM 
 
 Frank R. Stockton was once invited to dinner by an artful 
 hostess, who had the ices served in the form of a lady and a 
 tiger. 
 
 " Now which ? " she coolly asked when they came on. 
 
 " Both, if you please," he said. 
 
 STARTLING SIGNIFICANCE 
 
 "Try These on Your Piano." 
 
 This sign was all right, and placed over the sheet music it 
 
 would have been quite the thing. 
 
 Through some error, however, the window dresser had hung 
 
 it over a display of large-sized ladies* hosiery. 
 
 18
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 HEAR HIM RAVE 
 Casey was dying and sent for a lawyer to make his will. 
 His wife was in the room and the following conversation ensued: 
 " State yours affairs briefly," said the lawyer. 
 " Timothy Brown owes me fifty dollars." 
 " Good," said the prosp>ective widow, " sensible to the Icist" 
 " John Casey owes me thirty-seven dollars." 
 " Sensible to the last," put in the old lady again. 
 " To Michael Kelly I owe three hundred dollars." 
 " Ah, "said the old womaui, " hear him rave." 
 
 NOT A COMPLAINT AT ALL 
 The good priest had come to his parishioner cifter the funeral 
 
 of the latter's mother-in-law to express condolences. 
 
 "And what complaint was it, Pat," he asked sympathetically, 
 
 "that carried the old lady off?" 
 
 "Kumplaint, did'yi ask, father?" answered Pat. "Thir wuz no 
 
 kumplaint from nobody. Every-body wuz satisfied." 
 
 QUESTION IN GRAMMAR. 
 
 One of the Board of Education, going his rounds as an ama- 
 teur, put the following question to a scholar in a country school. 
 
 " How do you parse, ' Mary milked the cow ?' " 
 
 Pupil — " Cow is a noun, feminine gender, singular number, 
 third person, and stands for Mary." 
 
 " Stands for Mary ! " exclaimed he of the Board ; " how do 
 you make that out ? " 
 
 " Because, " replied the intelligent pupO, " if the cow didn't 
 
 stand for Mary, how could Mary milk her ? " 
 
 19
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 NEARLY WON THE BET. 
 
 Pat bet Mike he could carry a hod of bricks to the top of a 
 50 foot building with Mike sitting on the hod. When near 
 the top Pat made a misstep and nearly dropped Mike to the 
 stone sidewalk. Arriving at the top, Pat said : "Begorra, I've 
 won the bet." 
 
 " Yer have," said Mike, "but whin ye shlipped, I thought I 
 had ye." 
 
 IF AT FIRST YOU DONT SUCCEED 
 At a camp-meeting lately, a venerable sister began the hymn: 
 "My soul be on thy guard ; ten thousand foes arise." She be- 
 gan too high. "Ten thousand," she screeched and stopped. 
 "Start her at five thousand!" cried a converted stock broker 
 present. 
 
 ONE VOTE LOST 
 
 A colored citizen was up before his honor on complciint of 
 his wife for some domestic trouble. 
 
 Judge : " Who married you ? " 
 
 Colored Citizen : " You did, sah, but I ain't never voted 
 fur you, sence." 
 
 Two Jews (in a street car). First Jew : " I vill nefer go py 
 Far Rockaway agen for de summer. Nodding but Irish every- 
 where." 
 
 Second Jew : " It's de same at Saratoga, Abbey, it's alive 
 mit Irish. I vish I could go vere dere vas no Irish." 
 
 Mrs. Clancy (on the opposite seat): " Yez can both go to 
 h — 1, y'll find no Irish there." 
 
 20
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 A DREAM 
 
 Dreams sometimes come true. It depends entirely on how 
 you interpret them. A man who has just returned from the 
 West has a story which savors of peculiar hard luck. A friend 
 in Chicago dreamed about hats. Everything in the dream was 
 hats, and a soft hat predominated. Next day he told a hat 
 salesman about the dream. "Just the thing," said the sales- 
 man, who knew a thing or two. " There's a horse called 
 Sombrero running today at the track. You have a straight tip." 
 That afternoon the dreamer and his friend pooled issues and 
 put $50 on Sombrero to win at a hundred to one. The race 
 started. At the quarter Sombrero led by two lengths. At the 
 half the lead was maintained, and when the three-quarter post 
 was reached Sombrero was a sure winner. Down the stretch 
 went the horses, and at the post a horse that had not been one- 
 two-three went first under the wire — Fedora. 
 
 LIFE INSURANCE? 
 
 It was agreed between two Jews that whichever died first 
 was to have $5,000 put in his coffin by the other. Epstein 
 died and Cohen put in a check. 
 
 ACCIDENTS WILL HAPPEN 
 
 A barber shaving a thin-faced man put his finger into the 
 man's mouth to push out the hollow of his cheek. The razor 
 slipped and cut through the man's face. " Damn your lantern 
 jaws," said he. " I've cut my finger." 
 
 21
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 AN OLD ANIMAL 
 
 Farmer Haystack : " Wall, dum my buttons if that ain't 
 the wust lookin' critter I ever sot eyes on ! I swow, I won't 
 hev such a lukin' horse on the place, Hiram." 
 
 Hiram : "Well, father, I give $ 1 6 for him, and it's a better 
 lookin' horse than our Savior had when he rode through the 
 streets of Jerusalem." 
 
 Farmer Haystack — Solemnly (after looking the animal over 
 critically): " Hiram, it's the same horse." 
 
 A CASE OF A SUBSTITUTE 
 
 " Suppose you let me have some poached eggs, George," 
 said a careful traveler to the waiter at a doubtful hotel 
 
 " They're always safe," thought the traveler as the waiter 
 went into the kitchen. And then he heard the breaking 
 of an egg : a second egg : two more eggs ; and at the sound 
 of the breaking of egg after egg he began to wonder. 
 
 Finally the waiter appeared, " Say, boss," he said, " how 
 would an omelet do, instead ? " 
 
 WHY THE PRICE WAS DIFFERENT 
 Young housekeeper (timidly) : "Isn't fourteen cents rather 
 high for turkey ? I am quite sure the price across the way is 
 only thirteen." 
 
 Butcher : " With the feet on ? " 
 
 Young housekeeper: " No, I think the feet are cut off." 
 Butcher (with a superior smile): "I thought so. When we 
 sell a turkey ma'm, we sell it feet and all. " 
 
 22
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 PATS REASON 
 
 There was once an Irishman, who sought employment as a 
 diver, bringing with him his native enthusiasm and a certain 
 amount of experience. Although he had never been beneath 
 the water, he had crossed an ocean of one variety and sweJ- 
 lowed nearly an ocean of another. But he had the Hibernian 
 smile, which is convincing, cuid the firm chanced to need a new 
 mem. And so on the following Monday moming Pat hid his 
 smile for the first time m a diving helmet. 
 
 Now, the job upon which the crew to which Pat had attached 
 himself was working in comparatively shallow water, and Pat 
 was provided v^th a pick and told to use it on a ledge below 
 in a manner with which he was already familiar. 
 
 Dovm he went with his pick, and for about fifteen minutes 
 nothing was heard from him. Then came a strong, determined, 
 deliberate pull on the signal rope, indicating that Pat had a very 
 decided v^sh to come to the top. The assistants pulled him 
 hastily to the reift eind removed his helmet. 
 
 " Take off the rest of it," said Pat. 
 
 " Take of the rest it ? *' 
 
 " Yis " said Pat, " Oi'll worruk no longer in a dark place 
 where Oi ccin't spit on me hands." 
 
 PERFECT WIT AND GRACE 
 
 Perhaps the wittiest and most graceful tribute ever spoken 
 by a mcin of his wife was Sciid by Joseph H. Choate. 
 
 Some one asked him : " Mr. Choate, if you could not be 
 yourself, whom would you rather be ? " 
 
 Instantly came the reply : " Mrs. Choate's second husband." 
 
 23
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 HE PUT HIM OFF, ALL RIGHT 
 
 " Now, see here, porter," said he briskly, " I want you to 
 put me off at Syracuse. You know we get in there about six 
 o'clock in the morning, and I may oversleep myself. But it is 
 important that I should get out. Here's a five-dollar gold piece. 
 Now, I may wake up hard. Don't mind if I kick. Pay no 
 attention if I'm ugly. I want you to put me off the train no 
 matter how hard I fight. Understand ? " 
 
 " Yes, sah," answered the sturdy Nubian. " It shaD be did, 
 sah ! " 
 
 The next morning the coin-giver was awakened by a stento- 
 rian voice calling : " Rochester ! " 
 
 "Rochester!" he exclaimed, sitting up. "Where's that 
 porter ? " 
 
 Hastily slipping on his trousers, he went in search of the 
 negro, and found him in the porter's closet, huddled up, with his 
 head in a bandage, his clothes torn, and his arm in a sling. 
 
 " Well," says the drummer, " you are a sight. Why didn't 
 you put me off at Syracuse ? " 
 
 " Wh-at ! " gasped the porter, jumping up, as his eyes bulged 
 from his head. " Was you de gemman dat giv me a 
 five-dollah gold piece ? " 
 
 " Of course I was, you idiot ! " 
 
 " Well, den, befoah de Lawd, who was dat gemman I put 
 off at Syracuse ? " 
 
 A REASONABLE REQUEST 
 
 Dr. Jones : " My mission is saving girls." 
 Old Sport : " Save a couple for me. Parson.' 
 
 24
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 THE HONEST MAN 
 
 " Is it true," asked the interviewer, " that when you first 
 came to this country you worked in your shirt sleeves for a 
 living ? " 
 
 " It is not," replied the successful public man, indignantly. 
 
 "Ah ! No — offence — I — hope — " 
 
 " When I came here," continued the successful man, " I didn't 
 have a shirt." 
 
 HE RAN A RISK 
 
 There was once a tyrannical old king who paid $50 to 
 every barber who gave him a good shave, but if he drew a 
 drop of blood on him, he had him killed. One day he em- 
 ployed a new barber, who gave him a swell shave and got the 
 $50. " Were you nervous for fear you'd cut me?" asked the 
 the king. "No," said the barber, "if I'd drawn a drop of 
 blood on you, I calculated to cut your throat. " 
 
 UNFAMILIAR RECREATION 
 
 Rosenberg was induced to mount a saddle horse for a ride. 
 He couldn't think of what to say to the horse to start him. 
 Finally, he said : " WeU, commence ! " 
 
 BEYOND SUFFERING 
 Patrick cut a chicken's head off and put the fowl on the 
 floor. It commenced to flop around, but Patrick explained the 
 matter by saying : " It's dead. But it don't realize it." 
 
 25 
 
 \
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 EXCHANGE OF COMPLIMENTS 
 
 When Senator Bailey and Senator Tillman were having their 
 discussion over paternalism in the govemment.SenatorTillman said: 
 
 " I live in the country, and I have always lived in the country, 
 emd I know more about farmers than the Senator does." 
 
 " Ah, yes," said Senator Bailey suavely ; " I do not think 
 there is anything the Senator from South Carolina does not 
 know more about than any other Senator, if we take his own 
 opinion on that point" 
 
 " I beg to tell my friend that a great many South Carolinian 
 have gone to Texas," Senator Tillman said to Senator Bailey. 
 
 " Yes, and we have put some of them in the penitentiary, 
 too," replied Senator Beiiley. 
 
 HE KNEW 
 
 " Children, we will now have cin example in division. Tom- 
 my Tiggley, if your father brought home $ 1 to divide with 
 your mother, what would she get ? " 
 
 " Ten dollars." 
 
 " Tommy, you don't know your lesson." 
 
 " No, ma'am, but I know my mother." 
 
 AN ANECDOTE 
 
 " What is an anecdote, Johnny ? " asked the teacher. " A 
 
 short, funny tale," answered the little fellow. " That's right,' 
 
 said the teacher. " Now, Johnny, you may write a sentence 
 
 on the blackboard containing the word." Johnny hesitated a 
 
 moment and then wrote this : " A rabbit had four legs and one 
 
 anecdote." 
 
 26
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 COHEN AT THE SEASHORE 
 
 Levi Cohen went to Rockaway beach for the salt water 
 bathing. He decided he wouldn't plunge into the surf for a few 
 days so he walked down to the beach with a bucket and asked 
 the mcin who had charge of the life-boat what it would cost for 
 a little salt water so he could take a sponge bath in the bath 
 house. The man sized Cohen up for an easy mark and told 
 him 25 cents a paiil. Cohen peiid the quarter and started off 
 with the bucket of water. The next morning he again ap- 
 peared on the beach, bucket in hand. The tide was out about 
 700 feet. Cohen tumed to the man and said : " Vat a biz- 
 ziness you are doing." 
 
 PIERPONT PATRICK 
 
 Pat had come over from the " ould counthry" to make his 
 fortune, as so meiny of his compatriots have done before him. 
 He had read all about Dick Whittington, Camegie, P. Mor- 
 gaui, and others, who had climbed the ladders to fame emd 
 wealth from the bottom round, and had set his heart on doing 
 likev^se. Still, he was not too ambitious. Two thousand dol- 
 lars wais the sum he fixed upon as the summit of his aspirations. 
 
 Therefore, after having been told that he could " start" on a 
 job the following Monday morning as a hodman, he mused 
 somewhat as follows : 
 
 " There's two ways of dom' it if I'd loike to see me two 
 thousand dollars. I must lay by two hundred dollars a year for 
 ten years, or I must put away twenty doUars a year for wan 
 hundred years ! Now, which shall I do ? " 
 
 27
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 ONE OF JOHN L'S 
 
 The veteran John L. Sullivan was the centre of an admiring 
 group m the cafe of the Hotel Cecil the other evening, and 
 members of his party and others in the cafe grew reminiscent of 
 the big fellow's former day of glory. One of the tales recalled 
 concerning John L. has, since its first telling, years ago, done 
 duty in many connections, but an old-timer vouches for its origin 
 as genuine. Many years ago, when John L. was flush v^th 
 money, he was approached by an acquaintance who was trying 
 to raise money for the burial expenses of a policeman who had 
 just died. He timidly asked the big fellow for $2. " What ? " 
 said Mr. Sullivan. " Two dollars to bury a cop ? Here's $ 1 0; 
 bury five of 'em." 
 
 TRYING HIS LUCK 
 " Did you say your prayers last night, Willie ? " 
 " No, and I didn't say 'em the night before and I ain't agoin' 
 
 to say 'em to-night and then if there don't anything get me, I 
 
 ain't ever goin' to say 'em." 
 
 A CLEVER YOUNGSTER 
 
 Godinski : " Ikey, my son, take this letter to the post-office, 
 buy a two cent stamp and mail it." (In ten minutes Ikey re- 
 turns.) 
 
 Godinski : " Did you mail de letter, Ikey ? " 
 
 Ikey : " Certainly, but I saved the two cents. I saw a lot of 
 people drop letters into a box, so I vatched my chance van no 
 
 one was looking eind drapped mine in, too. 
 
 28
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 PROTECTING A BRIDE AND GROOM 
 
 A bride cind groom had been much troubled by the stares 
 of people at hotels wherever they went. So when they ar- 
 rived at the next hotel the groom called the colored head- Wciiter. 
 
 " Now, George," he said, " we have been bothered to death 
 by people stcuing at us because we are just married. We want 
 to be free from that sort of thing here. Now, here's two dol- 
 lars, and remember I trust you not to teU people that we are 
 just married, if they cisk you. Understauid ? " 
 
 " Yas, Scih ! " said George ; " I un'stand." 
 
 All went well that day. But the following morning when the 
 couple caune down to breakfast the staring was worse than ever. 
 Chambemiciids in the hciUs snickered ; the clerks behind the 
 desk nudged each other ; everybody in the dining-room stared. 
 When the couple returned to their room it was only to see a 
 head sticking out of neaurly every room down the long hall. 
 
 This was too much. This was the limit ! 
 
 Angered beyond control, the groom went to the desk and 
 called for the head-waiter. 
 
 "Look here, you old fool," said the groom,"didn't I give you two 
 dollars to protect my wife euid myself from this staring business?" 
 
 " Yas.sah, you did,"said George."'Pon me soul.I didn't teU, sah." 
 
 "Then how about this staring ?" asked the irate groom. " It's 
 worse here thain aoiywhere. Did anybody ask if we were married?" 
 
 " Yas, sah ; several folks did," replied George. 
 
 " Well, what did you tell them ? " 
 
 "I tole 'em, sah," replied the honest negro, "you wuzn't 
 married at all." 
 
 29
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 MARK TWAIN AND WHISTLER 
 
 A friend of Mark Twain's tells of an amusing incident in con- 
 nection writh the first meeting between the humorist and the late 
 James McNeill Whistler, the artist. 
 
 The friend having facetiously warned Clemens that the painter 
 was a confirmed joker, Mark solemnly averred that he would 
 get the better of Whistler should the latter attempt " any funny 
 business," Furthermore, Twain determined to anticipate 
 Whistler, if possible. 
 
 So, when the two had been mtroduced, which event took 
 place in Whistler's studio, Clemens assuming an air of hopeless 
 stupidity, approached a just-completed painting, and said : 
 
 '* Not at all bad, Mr. Whistler, not at all bad. Only," he 
 added, reflectively, with a motion as if to rub out a cloud effect, 
 " if I were you I'd do away with that cloud." 
 
 " Great Heavens, sir ! " exclaimed Whistler, almost beside 
 himself. " Do be careful not to touch that ; the paint is not yet 
 
 dry!" 
 
 " Oh, I don't mind that," responded Twain, with an air of 
 perfect nonchalance ; " I am wearing gloves, you see." 
 
 NOT USED TO SIMILIES 
 
 One day a teacher in a kindergarten school in New York, 
 preparatory to giving out an exercise said, " Now children I 
 want you all to be very quiet, so quiet that you could hear a 
 pin drop." Everything had quieted down nicely and the teacher 
 was about to speak when a little voice in the rear of the room 
 said, " Go ahead teacher and let her drop." 
 
 30
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 A CLERGYMAN'S STARTLING NOTICE 
 
 A dergyman was very amxious to introduce some hymn- 
 books into the church, and arranged with his clerk that the lat- 
 ter was to give out the notice immediately eifter the sermon. 
 The clerk, however, had a notice of his own to give out with 
 reference to the baptism of infants. Accordingly, at the close 
 of the sermon he arose and announced that "All those who have 
 children whom they wish to have baptized please send in their 
 names at once to the clerk." The clergyman, who was stone 
 deaf, assumed that the clerk was giving out the hymn-book 
 notice, and immediately arose and said : " And I should say 
 for the benefit of those who haven't any, that they may obtain 
 some from the ushers any day from three to four o'clock ; the 
 ordinary little ones at one shilling each, and special ones at one 
 shilling and fourpence." 
 
 THE ONLY WAY 
 
 Representative Cowherd, of Missouri, has a friend in Kansas 
 City, a clerk of the court, who recently recounted to the Con- 
 gressman his experience v^ath a woman who made numerous 
 calls upon him, in company with a man always in a state of 
 extreme intoxication. The purpose of this woman's visits was 
 to secure a marriage license to the end that the two might be 
 united. Of course, the clerk each time refused the request. 
 
 The last time the woman appeared, as usual leading in her 
 drunken friend, the clerk, in a tone of great impatience, said : 
 
 " My dear woman, why do you always bring this man here 
 to get a marriage license when he is drunk ? " 
 
 *' Because I can never get him to come along when he's 
 
 sober," responded the woman. 
 
 31
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 LOT'S WIFE OUTDONE 
 
 The ingenuity Pat displays in executing skilful "flank move- 
 ments" from the sublime to the ridiculous was splendidly illus- 
 trated the other day by a rollicking son of Erin. A street 
 preacher was holding forth to a gaping crowd on the terrible 
 fate of Lot's wife — how that this woman, the wife of Lot, had 
 looked around, and in a moment turned into a pillar of salt. 
 '* Was it not wonderful ? " he exclaimed. " Was it not won- 
 derful?" 
 
 " Ach, shure an' begorra, " cried Pat from the outskirts of the 
 crowd, " I know a far more wonderful wuman than that ! " 
 
 " You what ! " exclaimed the preacher aghast. 
 
 " Why, there's Bridget Malone," Pat rattled on ; " she was 
 walkin* down the street t'other day, an' she looked round an' 
 round, an' then all at wanst she turned into a saloon I " 
 
 VICTOR UNDER DIFFICULTIES 
 A western wit described his battle with a rival editor at San 
 Diego in the early days thus — " We held him down above us 
 by means of our nose, which we had skilfully inserted between 
 his teeth for that purpose." 
 
 EASY IDENTIFICATION 
 
 " Where's your father, boy ? " asked a stranger of a country 
 boy. 
 
 ** Wall," replied the boy, " he's down way at the end of the 
 
 field, thar with the hogs. You'll know father 'cause he's got a 
 
 hat on." 
 
 33
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 A WIFE'S READY WIT 
 
 A popular clergyman, says a story in the" St. Louis Republic," 
 saw a lady about to call, whom he was anxious not to meet. 
 So he said to his wife, " I'll run upstairs, my dear, and 
 escape till she goes away." 
 
 After about an hour he quietly tiptoed to the stair landing 
 and listened. All was quiet below. Reassured, he began to 
 descend, and called out over the balustrade : 
 
 *' Well, my dear, you got rid of that old bore at last ? " 
 
 The next instant a voice from below rooted him to the spot. 
 It was the voice of the caller ! Then came a response which 
 sounded inexpressibly sweet to him. It was the voice of his 
 
 wife : 
 
 " Yes, dear, she went away over an hour ago ; but here is 
 our good friend Mrs. Blank, whom I am sure you want to 
 meet." 
 
 WHEN BENJAMIN FRANKLIN SCORED 
 
 Long after the victories of Washington over the French and 
 English had made his name familiar to all Europe, Benjamin 
 Franklin chanced to dine with the English and French Am- 
 bassadors, when the following toasts were drunk : 
 
 " ' England * — The Sun, whose bright beams enlighten and 
 fructify the remotest corners of the earth." 
 
 The French Ambassador, filled with national pride, but too 
 polite to dispute the previous toast, offered the following : 
 
 " ' France' — The Moon, whose mild, steady and cheering 
 
 rays are the delight of all nations, consoling them in darkness 
 
 and making their dreariness beautiful." 
 
 33
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 Doctor Franklin then arose, and, with his usual dignified 
 simplicity, said : 
 
 George Washington' — The Joshua who commcinded the 
 Sun and Moon to stand still, and they obeyed him." 
 
 THE THINNEST IN STOCK 
 The superintendent in oue of the largest dry goods stores in 
 
 Providence, R. I. tells the following story : 
 
 A gentlemcin went into the store to buy some hosiery for his 
 wife. Approaching a floor- walker he said, " I want to see the 
 thinnest thing you have in ladies' hosiery." " Let me introduce 
 
 you to Miss B ," said the facetious floor-walker as a coy 
 
 maiden of fifty approached with mincing step. 
 
 MOTHERS' EXCUSES TO TEACHERS 
 Miss Brown : You must stop teach my Lizzie fisical torture 
 she needs yet readin' an' figors mit sums more as that, if I want 
 her to do jumpin' I kin make her jump. 
 
 Mrs. Canavowsky. 
 
 Dear Teacher: Pleas excus Fritz for staying home he 
 had der meesells to oblige his father. J. B. 
 
 Dear Miss Teacher: Please excuse Rachael for being 
 away those two days her grandmother died to oblige her 
 mother. Mrs. Renski. 
 
 Miss .' Frank could not come these three week be- 
 cause he had the amonia cind information of the vowels. 
 
 Mis. Smith. 
 
 Miss .• Please let Willie home at 2 o'clock. I take 
 
 him out for a little pleasure to see his grandfather's grave. 
 
 Mrs. R. 
 34
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 HIGH AND OF GOOD VALUE 
 A somewhat green young fellow had been put on the ladies' 
 hosiery counter during the noon hour. A well dressed lady 
 stepped up to the counter and asked to be shown some hosierj'. 
 The clerk showed a new brand. " How much ? " said the cus- 
 tomer. "One dollar" replied the clerk. "They come too 
 high" said the lady. " But," said the clerk, wishing to do his 
 best, " you are a tall woman." 
 
 A CLEVER BIRD 
 One day while the minister was calling on a certain gentle- 
 man, the gentleman's parrot began to swear. He threw a 
 bucket of water over her. She shook herself, noticed the 
 minister was not wet and said to him : " Where the h — 1 were 
 you when the cyclone struck us ? " 
 
 ALL FOR APIECE OF BACON 
 A Hebrew went into a restaurant to get his dinner. He 
 was tempted to order bacon. He believed that if there was 
 anything that made Jehovah cingry it was to see somebody eat- 
 ing bacon ; but he thought, " Maybe He is too busy watching 
 sparrows and counting heiirs to notice me; " so he took a slice. 
 The weather was delightful when he went into the restaurant, 
 but when he came out the sky was overcast, the lightning leaped 
 from cloud to cloud, the earth trembled, and it was dark. He 
 went back into the restaurant trembling with fear, and, leaning 
 over the counter, said to the clerk, " Say, did you ever hear such 
 a fuss about a little piece of bacon ! " 
 
 35
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 THE BEST ADVICE 
 
 The following story is told of a well-known advocate. 
 When General B. was a young barrister, a man was arraigned 
 for murder, and had no counsel. 
 
 " Mr. B., " said the judge, " take the prisoner into that room 
 at the back of the court, hear his story, and give him the best 
 advice you can.' 
 
 Accordingly B. disappeared with the prisoner, and in half an 
 hour's time returned into court — alone. 
 
 " Where is the prisoner ? " asked the judge. 
 
 " Waal," replied B., slowly, " I heard his story and then I 
 gave him the best advice I could. I said : ' Prisoner, if I were 
 you, I'd get out of that window and make tracks.' He slid 
 down the water pipe, and the last I saw of him he was getting 
 over a stone fence half a mile away." 
 
 COULD HARDLY HAVE BEEN ONE 
 
 A man, while wandering in the village cemetery, saw a mon- 
 ument and read with surprise the inscription on it : 
 
 " A Lawyer and an Honest Man." 
 
 The man scratched his head and looked at the monument 
 again. He read the inscription over and over. Then he 
 walked all around the monument and examined the grave closely. 
 Another man in the cemetery approached and asked him : 
 " Have you found the grave of an old friend ? " 
 *' No," said the first man, "but I was wondering how they 
 came to bury those two fellows in the one grave." 
 
 36
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 COULDN'T FOOL TIM 
 
 A priest announced that a collection would be taken up to 
 defray the cost of coal for heating the church. 
 
 Everybody contributed but Tim , who gave a sly wink 
 
 as the plate was presented to him. The priest, after ser- 
 vice, took his parishioner to task. 
 
 " Now, Tim, " he said, " why didn*t you give something, if it 
 was but little ? " 
 
 " Faith, I'm on to yez! " said Tim. 
 
 " What do you mean ? " 
 
 " Oh, nothing. Just that Tm on to yez ; that's all." 
 
 " Tim, your words are disrespectful. What do you mean ? " 
 
 "Oh, faith, father, a-thrying to pull the wool over me eyes, 
 a-thrying to make us believe yez wants the money to buy coal 
 to heat the church, 'an yer reverence knows it's heated by 
 steam ! " 
 
 A CHANGE OF LOCATION 
 
 Two Irishmen who had just landed in this country, had taken 
 rooms in one of the down-town lodging-houses in New York. 
 In the middle of the night they were awakened by a great 
 noise in the street. One of the Irishmen got up and looked 
 out of the window. Two fire-engines tore along, belching 
 smoke and fire and leaving a trail of sparks. 
 
 " Phwat is ut > " asked the chap who remained in bed. 
 
 " They're movin' hell," said the man at the window, " and 
 two loads have just gone by." 
 
 37
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 STILL WAITING FOR THE GOOD SAMARITAN 
 This is a negro preacher's version of the parable of the Good 
 Samaritan : There was a traveler on a lonely road, said the 
 preacher, w^ho was set upon by thieves, robbed, and left 
 wounded and helpless by the wayside. Ashe lay there various 
 persons passed him, but none offered to assist him. Presently, 
 however, a poor Samaritan came by, and taking pity on the 
 wounded man's plight, helped him on his mule and took him to 
 an inn, where he ordered food and drink and raiment for the 
 man, directing the innkeeper to send the bill to him. " And 
 dis am a true story, brethren," concluded the preacher ; " for de 
 inn am standin' dere yet, and in de do' way am standin' de 
 skel'ton ob de innkeeper, waitin' fer de Good Samaritan to 
 come back an' pay de bill." 
 
 SPANISH LOVE 
 
 I recently saw a young soldier, wearing a ragged U. S. uni- 
 form, seated on an old soap box in front of the lVor/dh\i^dm%, 
 playing upon a wheezy accordion, " Give Us Just Another 
 Lincoln." He truly presented a sorry spectacle. His legs were 
 both missing below the knees, one arm was gone at the shoulder, 
 and he was short an eye and part of an ear. A well dressed 
 gentleman stepped up and dropped a five-dollar bill in the tin 
 cup suspended around his neck. 
 
 Surprised at the donation, the young soldier said gratefully, 
 " You must be a comrade." " No," replied the philanthropist. 
 " I'm a Spaniard, and you're the first American that I've seen 
 since the war that was done up to suit me." 
 
 38
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 IS 
 
 CASEY IN LONDON 
 " One day Riley was riding on top of a 'bus in London with 
 his friend Casey. He was nearly worn out with several hours 
 sight-seeing and the bustle and excitement of the London street, 
 the hoi polloi, the Billingsgate and the din and rattle were be- 
 coming almost unbearable when they came in sight of West- 
 minster Abbey. Just as they did so, the chimes burst forth in 
 joyous melody, and he said to Casey, ' isn't it sublime ? Isn't it 
 glorious to hear those chimes pealing and doesn't it inspire one 
 with renewed vigor ? * Casey leaned over, with hand to hi 
 ear, and said, 'you U have to speak a little louder, Riley, I can't 
 hear you.' Riley continued, ' those magnificent chimes. Do 
 you not hear them pealing ? Do they not imbue you with a 
 feeling of almost reverence? Do they not awaken tender 
 memories of the past ? ' Casey again leaned forward and said, 
 ' I can't hear you. You'll have to speak louder.' Riley got as 
 close to him as possible and said, ' do you not hear the melodious 
 pealing of the chimes ? Do they not recall the salutation of old 
 Trinity on a Sabbath morning ? Do they not take you back 
 into the dim vistas of the past when the world was young, and 
 touch your heart with a feeling of pathos > " Casey put his 
 
 mouth close to Riley's ear and said, ' Those d bells are 
 
 making such a racket, Riley, that I can't hear you.' " 
 
 NOTHING TO LOSE 
 Captain — " All is lost ! We can not save the ship ! " 
 Moses — " Do you hear what he says Ikey, the ship is going 
 to sink." 
 
 Ikey— "Veil, let it sink. Vat do ve care ? Ve don't own it." 
 
 y9
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 A SLIGHT MIXUP AT HOME 
 
 A young married woman, according to " Tit-Bits," recently 
 walked into a grocer's shop, angry to the very roots of her hair, 
 and banged a piece of yellow substance on the counter. 
 
 " Here," she said, " is the soap that does the washing of it- 
 self ; the soap that makes every washing day a glorified feast ; 
 the soap that makes the linen white as snow, and lets the de- 
 lighted housewife play with the children while the clothes wash 
 themselves, and — — " 
 
 " I beg your " interrupted the grocer. 
 
 " Yes, I know what you are going to say," broke in the irate 
 wife. " All the same, I have been scrubbing three mortal hours 
 v^th that lump, and I might as well have used a brick for all the 
 lather I could get out of it." And she stopped out of breath. 
 
 " But, my dear madcim," said the grocer calmly, " your hus- 
 band came in here yesterday and bought half a pound of soap 
 and half a pound of cheese. This isn't the soap ; this is the 
 cheese." 
 
 " The cheese ! " exclaimed the young wife. " The cheese ! 
 Then that accounts for the other thing." 
 
 " What other thing, madam ? " 
 
 " Why, the Welsh rarebit. No wonder it had such a queer 
 taste ! " 
 
 AN APOLOGYNEEDED 
 
 Henry Parker is absent minded. One day he ran against a 
 
 cow. He rmsed his hat and said : " I beg your pardon, 
 
 Madam," and then saw his mistake. Soon after he stumbled 
 
 against a lady. Without looking up he said : " Is that you 
 
 again, you brute ? " 
 
 40
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 ONE BUTTON WAS IN USE 
 
 A school principal was trying to make clear to his class the 
 fundamental doctrines of the Declaration of Independence. 
 
 " Now, boys," he said, " I will give you each three ordineiry 
 buttons. Here they are. You must think of the first one as 
 representing Life, of the second one as representing Liberty, 
 emd the third one as representing the Pursuit of Happiness. 
 Next Sunday I will ask you each to produce the three buttons 
 and tell me what they represent." 
 
 The following Sunday the teacher said to the youngest mem- 
 ber: 
 
 " Now, Johnnie, produce your three buttons and tell me 
 what they stand for." 
 
 ** I ain't got 'em all," he sobbed, holding out two of the but- 
 tons. " Here's Life ein' here's Liberty, but mommer sewed the 
 Pursuit o' Happiness on my peints." 
 
 INDIGNANT TALENT 
 
 A lecturer who has always flattered himself that he was in 
 the front rank of public speakers felt a trifle indignant over his 
 introduction to a western audience by the cheurman of the com- 
 mittee having charge of the town lecture course. It was the 
 opening night of the course, and the chairman said : 
 
 " Ladies and gentlemen : Tlus is, as you know, the open- 
 ing night of our town lecture course. I think that most of you 
 know also that our lecture course last winter was not a financial 
 success, and we ran behind nearly $ 1 00. To avoid a recur- 
 rence of this we have this year engaged cheaper talent, the first 
 
 of which will now address you." 
 
 41
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 WASTED ECONOMY 
 A man was stranded in Norway with only enough money in 
 his pocket to pay his passage back to England. He thought 
 the matter over and came to the conclusion that he would buy 
 the ticket and as the sea trip only lasted a couple of days he 
 wonld go without food that length of time. He realized that if 
 he remained in Norway and spent his money he would never 
 be able to get back home. 
 
 So he went on board the steamer and bought his ticket. He 
 closed his ears to the sound of the lunch bell, and when dinner- 
 time came and a fellow-passenger asked him to accompany him 
 to the dining-room, he politely declined on the ground that he 
 never ate at sea. 
 
 The next morning he skipped breakfast by sleeping late, and 
 at lunch-time he kept to his room. By dinner-time at night, 
 however, he was so hungry that he could have eaten a pair of 
 shoes. " I am going to eat," he said, " even if I am thrown 
 overboard afterwards. I might as well be drovmed as starved 
 to death." 
 
 At the dinner-table he ate everything in sight. Then he 
 braced himself for the explosion. " Bring me the bill," he said 
 to the steward. 
 
 " The bill ? " queried the steward. 
 " Yes," said the man. 
 
 " There isn't any bill," was the reply. " On this ship meals 
 go with the passage ticket." 
 
 LUCKY 
 Passenger (at depot restaurant).— " Is that all you've got to 
 eat here ? " 
 
 Waiter — " I hav'n't got to eat it. I work here." 
 
 42
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 INCRIMINATING EVIDENCE 
 
 A little girl who had the usual childish habit of continually 
 asking questions, one day asked her mother why her haiir was so 
 grey. 
 
 The mother, thinking that this would be a good chance to 
 admonish the child for past bad behavior, said, " When my little 
 girl is naughty it makes mamma feel real sorry, and when mamma 
 is sorry it makes mamma's hair turn grey." 
 
 The child was somewhat crestfallen by this cind went into an 
 adjoining room to play with her grandmother. Shortly she re- 
 turned, and with a triumphant look on her face, said, " Oh 
 mamma, you must have been an awful naughty * ittle girl, grand- 
 ma's hair's all white." 
 
 THE ABSENT MINDED PROFESSOR 
 
 An absent minded professor was aimlessly wandering around 
 the business section of a large city. During his peregrinations 
 he dropped into a drug store. Going around the place with a 
 lack-lustre eye he finally espied a city directory. His face was 
 immediately covered with smiles. "Now," he said to himself, 
 " If I could only remember my naune I could tell where I live." 
 
 NOT PARTICULAR 
 
 A boy stood on the comer of Fourteenth street and Fourth 
 avenue, industriously scratching his head, when a gentleman, 
 who was passing, said to him : " Picking 'em out, sonny ? " 
 " No, sir," replied the boy, " I takes 'em just as I finds 'em." 
 
 43
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 WITH GOOD INTENT 
 
 Patrick Murphy had just been initiated into the mysteries of 
 the A. O. H. He was persuaded to join by his friend, Michael 
 Casey, who, as a member, had attended to the filling out of his 
 application, etc. At the first meeting some one made a motion 
 that the lodge procure four cuspidors. This was seconded, and 
 the matter being opened for remarks, Patrick, remembering the 
 kindness of his friend cind thinking that this would be a good 
 opportunity to show his worth and interest in affairs, arose and 
 addressed the chair. " Mr. Chmrmcin," he seiid, " I am not 
 familiar with the object and purposes of this motion, but I feel 
 constrained to spake and nominate me friend, Mike Casey, as 
 one of them cuspidors." 
 
 AN OLD FAMILY 
 
 A man boasting of the antiquity of his family said that his 
 ancestors came over in the "Mayflower." "Why," said a 
 gentleman, " you're a mere mushroom of yesterday. I recently 
 exeunined the pedigree of a family that filled 1 00 pages of man- 
 uscript and near the middle of it was a marginal note : ^ About 
 this time the world was created. ' ' ' 
 
 FLY SOUP 
 Mr. Rosenzki took his boy to a restaurant last week to get a 
 bowl of soup. Jakey commenced to eat it, and he grabbed his 
 father by the coat cind he says, "Papa, there's a fly in der soup." 
 Papa says, " Eat der soup and vait till you come down to der 
 fly, tell de vaiter and he'll give you another bowl for nothing." 
 
 44
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 PRESENCE OF MIND 
 
 Two gentlemen stood in front of a building in process of erec- 
 tion on one of the New York thoroughfares, discussing a late 
 shipwreck, from which one of them, by the exercise of unusual 
 presence of mind, had narrowly escaped. 
 
 At their side a humble "son of Erin '* was busily mixing the 
 plaster for the new walls. Turning in great friendliness, born of 
 his escape from death, the fortunate man addressed him : 
 
 " Well, my dear fellow, can you think of cinything more de- 
 sirable in time of great peril them ' presence of mind ? ' " 
 
 " WeU, sor, indeed thin, no ; unless it be absince of body." 
 
 THE DISOBLIGING HORSE 
 
 Marshall P. Wilder tells with gusto of two men of his ac- 
 quaintance who hired a horse and trap for a day's outing in the 
 country. When they had reached their destination the horse 
 was unhitched and allowed peacefully to graze whilst they en- 
 joyed some excellent fishing. 
 
 When the time came '^o go home, the two found themselves 
 in a predicament, for neither knew how to reharness the beast. 
 They made many efforts, but with the same result each time. 
 Their chief difficulty was adjusting the bit, the horse making not 
 the least response to their overtures. 
 
 " Well," exclaimed one of the men finally, sitting dovm with 
 a discouraged expression, " there's only one thing to do — wait." 
 
 " Wait for what ? " asked his companion. 
 
 " Wait for the silly animal to yawn ! " 
 
 45
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 WILLIE'S DREAM OF PAPA 
 
 Willie {very seriously): " Papa, I had a strange dream this 
 morning." 
 
 Papa : " Indeed ! What was it ? " 
 
 Willie : " I dreamed, papa, that I died and went to Heaven ; 
 and when St. Peter met me at the gate, instead of showing me 
 the way to the golden street, as I expected, he took me out into 
 a large field, and in the middle of the field there was a ladder 
 reaching away up into the sky and out of sight. Then St. Peter 
 told me that Heaven was at the top, and that in order to get 
 there I must take the big piece of chalk he gave me and slowly 
 climb the ladder, writing on each rung some sin 1 had committed." 
 
 Papa {laying down his newspaper): "And did you 
 finally reach Heaven, my son ? " 
 
 Willie : " No, papa, for just as I was trying to think of some- 
 thing to write on the second rung 1 looked up and saw you com- 
 ing down." 
 
 Papa : " And what was I coming down for ? " 
 
 Willie: "That's what I a^ked you, and you told me you 
 were coming for more chalk." 
 
 OF COURSE NOT 
 
 " One day in the dining-car, the boy across the aisle got to 
 laughing so, he couldn't stop. Someone said to his mother, 
 " That boy needs a spanking." She said, " Well, I don't believe 
 in spanking a boy on a full stomach." " Neither do I," said the 
 stranger. " Turn him over." 
 
 46
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 WOULD USE FORCE 
 Our readers may recollect hearing about the man who had 
 read that cheerfulness at table was a very excellent and po- 
 tent factor in daily life, and who decided, accordingly, that he 
 would have cheerfiJness around his family board, or know the 
 reason why. He therefore gathered his family around him at 
 the breakfast table, and, seeing that the usual somewhat glum 
 and silent family habit was ruling, he broke out : " Smile, gol 
 dum ye ! You, Sal, and you, John Henry, and all the rest of 
 ye, smile ! You got to be cheerful at the table hereafter or I'll 
 knock the heads off en ye ! Git a grin on there and keep it a 
 goin ' ! " Needless to say, hilarity reigned at meals in that house- 
 hold thereafter. 
 
 FOUND OUT 
 Dr. Sanderson hit the booze pretty hard. One day while 
 feeling the pulse of a lady patient, his foot slipped. Referring 
 to himself, he said : " Drunk, by heavens ! " The lady who 
 had been drinking excessively, thought he referred to her and 
 offered him $50 to keep her secret. 
 
 NO ADVANTAGE 
 
 Johnie — " I wish I lived in South America." 
 Mother—" Why, Johnnie ? " 
 
 " The mammas down there don't wear any slippers.'' 
 " Yes, my son, but you must also remember that the little boys 
 in South America do not wear any pants." 
 
 " That's so. It's queer that I never thought about that." 
 
 4<
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 NOT IN THE RUNNING 
 
 The Honorable " Tim " Sullivan, of Tammany fame, says that 
 two friends of his, who are booksellers, while riding downtown 
 on an " L " train, fell to discussing the relative popularity of cer- 
 tain novels, viewed from a selling standpoint. The first book- 
 man had been reading to his friend an article from a newspaper 
 that set forth the number of certain stories sold during the week 
 previous. It happened that at this juncture an extremely sporty- 
 looking individual entered the car and took a seat just behind 
 that of the two friends. 
 
 " Now, this paper," said the first bookseller, turning to his 
 friend, " places The Virginian first, Mrs. Wiggs second and — " 
 
 " Gentlemen," interrupted the sporting man eagerly, " excuse 
 me for butting in, but as I've followed this game for years I know 
 what I am saying. That dope sheet you hold is a pure fake. 
 There are no such horses running ; take my word for it." 
 
 ONE OF LINCOLN'S LITTLE NOTES 
 
 President Lincoln once wrote to General McClellan, when 
 the latter was in command of the army. General McClellan, 
 as is well known, conducted a waiting campaign, being so care- 
 ful not to make any mistakes that he made very little headway. 
 President Lincoln sent this brief but exceedingly pertinent letter : 
 " My Dear McClellan : If you don't want to use the army 
 I should like to bonow it for a while. 
 
 Yours respectfully, 
 
 A. Lincoln." 
 48
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 PRACTICAL 
 A clergyman was descanting upon the value of faith and 
 works and to illustrate the theory that they go together and that 
 one is useless without the other, he used a simile of a man in a 
 boat. Said he : " Suppose I am in a boat. I have two oars. 
 One I will call Faith' and the other ' Works.' I use the 
 oar, ' Faith' alone and the boat simply goes in a circle. I use 
 the oar, ' Works' alone and the boat still makes no progress." 
 Just then he was interrupted by a small boy in the gallery, who 
 called out with considerable energy : " Why the h--ll don't you 
 scull? " 
 
 KNEW WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT 
 
 Jerry Simpson one day while eulogizing Daniel Webster re- 
 ferred in complimentary terms to his dictionary. A friend pulled 
 Simpson's coat-tail and whispered, " Noah made the dictionary." 
 Simpson gave him a scornful look and whispered back, " Noah 
 built the ark." 
 
 NOT ON HER LIFE 
 
 An Irish woman walked into a large department store. The 
 floor-walker, who was very bow-legged, asked her what he could 
 do for her. She told him that she would like to look at the 
 handkerchiefs that were advertised. 
 
 " Just walk this way, ma'am," said the floor-walker. 
 
 The woman looked at his legs. 
 
 " No, sir," indignantly replied the old lady ; " I'll die first." 
 
 49
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 A GOOD MAJORITY 
 
 A well-known English surgeon was imparting some clinical 
 instructions to half a dozen students, according to " The Medical 
 Age." Pausing at the bedside of a doubtful case he said: 
 " Now, gentlemen, do you think this is or is not a case for opera- 
 ration ? " 
 
 One by one each student made his diagnosis, and all of them 
 answered in the negative. 
 
 " Well, gentlemen, you are all wrong," said the wielder of the 
 scalpel, " and I shall operate tomorrow." 
 
 " No, you won't," said the patient, as he rose in his bed ; " six 
 to one is a good majority ; gimme my clothes." 
 
 MEAN. MEANER. MEANEST 
 
 There were four of them in the smoking compartment of the 
 car, when the traveller from Chicago happened to say : " That 
 reminds me of a man out in my town who is so mean that he 
 makes the members of his house write small hands in order to 
 save ink." 
 
 *' A friend o' my faather's, suh, wuz even wus than thet," 
 came promptly from the Baltimorean. " He stopped the clocks 
 at night, suh, because o' the wear and tear on the works." 
 
 Then the Philadelphian : " Well, there's a good old Quaker 
 out in Wayne who won't read the papers. Wears out his 
 glasses, says he." 
 
 All three looked inquiringly at the man from New York, but 
 he merely smiled and rang for the waiter to take the orders. 
 
 50
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 TOO ENTERPRISING 
 
 There is an enterprising clothier who rarely admits that he 
 hasn't what a customer may want. 
 
 One day a man entered his shop, and asked if he had any 
 trousers made especially for one-legged people. 
 
 "Certainly," replied the merchant. "What kind do you 
 want ? " 
 
 " The best you've got," said the man. 
 
 Hurrying into the rear of the shop, the merchant snatched up 
 a pair of trousers and snipped off the right leg with a pair of 
 scissors. Hastily turning under the edges, he presented them 
 to the customer. 
 
 " That's the kind I want. What's the price ? " 
 
 " Five dollars. " 
 
 " Well, give me a pair with the left leg off ! " 
 
 A month later the merchant was pronounced convalescent, 
 and on the high road to recovery. 
 
 JUST AS HE THOUGHT 
 
 A small boy was reciting in a geography class. The teacher 
 was trjong to teach him the points of the compass. She ex- 
 plained : " On your right is the south, your left the north, and 
 in front of you is the east. Now, what is behind you ? " 
 
 The boy studied for a moment, then puckered up his face and 
 bawled : " 1 knew it. I told Ma you'd see that patch in my 
 pauits." 
 
 51
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 THE TORN TROUSERS 
 
 A man and his wife arrived at a dance quite late in the evening 
 only for the husband to discover that in slipping on the icy pave- 
 ment he had cut one knee of his trousers. The dressing-rooms 
 were entirely empty, and the v^fe suggested : 
 
 " Here, come in the ladies' dressing-room. No one is in there 
 and I will pin it up and make it do for the evening." 
 
 But an examination showed that the cut was too large, and 
 no pinning up would do. 
 
 "I have a needle and black thread," suggested the maid 
 attendant, " if the gentleman doesn't mind. I will stand at the 
 door and see that no one comes in." 
 
 The trousers were hastily taken off and em overcoat made to 
 serve as a robe. The wife quickly sewed, but in the middle of 
 the task loud voices were heard arguing with the maid : 
 
 " We must come in, maid. A lady is sick. Quick, let us in." 
 
 The husband blanched ; the maid looked appealingly ; the wife 
 glanced hurriedly around the room. 
 
 " Here, quick," she said to her husband, grabbing the knob of 
 a door, " get into this closet for a moment." 
 
 And opening the door she pushed her husband through, and 
 slammed it. In a moment, however, a terrific hanunering started 
 on the other side of the " closet" door. 
 
 " Quick, Alice," came a voice, " let me back, quick." 
 
 " But the women are here," said the wife ; " what's " 
 
 " Oh, hang the women," came the voice and another thump ; 
 " I'm in the ballroom ! " 
 
 62
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 A JOKE ON THE JOKERS 
 
 At a certain Jesuit college in one of our large cities a very 
 amusing event happened in one of the class rooms. 
 
 It was at the beginning of the study hour. A priest entered 
 
 the room, and going to the blackboard wrote " Father H 
 
 will meet his classes in the East room at 1 0.30." He then left 
 the room. One of the students, desiring to make a display of 
 his wit tiptoed to the blackboard and erased the C in classes, 
 much to the amfiusement of his classmates. 
 
 Shortly after another priest entered the room and in a few 
 moments noticed the now peculiarly worded sentence on the 
 board cind also saw that the word classes had been tampered 
 with. Without a smile on his face he went to the blackboard 
 and much to the chagrin of the original wit and the rest of the 
 class, he now erased the L in the word and quietly left the room. 
 
 UNDESIRED GOOD FORTUNE 
 
 A certain little boy had a predilection for telling petty false- 
 hoods. This greatly grieved his mother who always told him 
 that little boys who told untruths would not go to Heaven. She 
 also continually brought up the righteous example of George 
 Washington. 
 
 He finally became tired of these same things which his mother 
 told him and one day while being corrected he interrupted his 
 mother with " I wouldn't want to go to Heaven anyway ; there 
 won't be nobody there but me and God and George Washing- 
 ton. 
 
 53
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 IT WAS A SPEEDY TRAIN 
 
 Three men were talking in rather a large way as to the excel- 
 lent train service each had in his special locality : one was horn 
 the West, one from New England, and the other from New 
 York. The former two men had told of marvelous doings of 
 trains, and it was distinctly " up" to the man from New York. 
 
 " Now in New York," he said, " we not only run our trains 
 fast, but we also start them fast. I remember the case of a friend 
 of mine whose wife went to see him off for the West on the 
 Pennsylvania at Jersey City. As the train was about to start 
 my friend said his final good-by to his wife, and leaned down 
 from the car platform to kiss her. The train started, and, would 
 you believe it, my friend found himself kissing a strainge woman 
 on the platform at Trenton ! " 
 
 And the other men gave up. 
 
 AS FAR AS SHE COULD GO 
 
 She was a new cook, and anxious to please. So was the 
 mistress that she should, especially on a certain evening when 
 there was special company at dinner. To the consternation of 
 the hostess, appeared Bridget, holding before her a plate of 
 tomatoes, but arrayed minus her waist and skirt. 
 
 " Well, ma'am," she said, " I did it — did what you told me : 
 bring the tomatoes in undressed. But I'll lose me place furst 
 before I take off another stitch." 
 
 54
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 HE DID AS HE WAS TOLD 
 
 Tlie boarders were alarmed one night by what sounded like 
 a man running at a tremendous gait in one of the upper rooms. 
 However, as it came from the second-floor front room of the new 
 boarder, nothing was said. The next night the same running 
 noises were heard ; still it was thought best to say nothing. But 
 the third night the noise differed ; the boarders huddled together 
 in the parlor as the chcindeliers shook, as the man above appar- 
 ently Ccime down at intervals with a thump, thump that fciirly 
 shook the house. 
 
 Two men were delegated to see what was the matter. 
 
 " What in the world is the matter up here ? " asked one of 
 the men as the door was opened by the new boarder, apparently 
 breathless. 
 
 " Why," came the answer between gasps of breath, " I'm 
 taking my medicine." 
 
 " Medicine ? " echoed the men. 
 
 " Yes," said the man, as he dropped into a chair from sheer 
 exhaustion. " It's tougher on me than it is on you. But the 
 doctor said I should take it two nights running, and then skip the 
 third night." 
 
 PROVED HIS TEACHER WRONG 
 Little Willie's father found his youthful son holding up one of 
 his rabbits by the ears and saying to him : " How much is seven 
 times seven, now ? ' 
 
 " Bah," the father heard the boy say, " I knew you couldn't. 
 Here's another one : Six times six is how much ? " 
 
 55
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 " Why, Willie, what in the world are you doing with your 
 rabbit ? " asked the father. 
 
 Willie threw the rabbit down with disgust. " I knew our 
 teacher was Ijang to us," was all he said. 
 
 " Why, how ? " asked the father. 
 
 " Why, she told us this morning that rabbits were the greatest 
 multipliers in the world." 
 
 HAD TO GET IT DONE SOMEHOW 
 A little boy bustled into a grocery one day with a memorandum 
 in his hand. 
 
 " Hello, Mr. Smith," he said. " I want thirteen pounds of 
 
 coffee at 32 cents." 
 
 "Very good," said the grocer, and he noted down the sale, and 
 put his clerk to packing the coffee. "Anything else, Charlie ? " 
 
 " Yes. Twenty-seven pounds of sugar at 9 cents." 
 
 " The loaf, eh ? And what else ? " 
 
 " Seven and a half pounds of bacon at 20 cents." 
 
 " That wall be a good brand. Go on." 
 
 " Five pounds of tea at 90 cents ; eleven and a half quarts 
 of molasses at 8 cents a pint ; two eight-pound hams at 2 1 1-4 
 cents, and five dozen jars of pickled walnuts at 24 cents a jar." 
 
 The grocer made out the bill. 
 
 " It's a big order," he said. " Did your mother tell you to 
 pay for it 7 " 
 
 " My mother," said the boy, as he pocketed the neat and 
 accurate bill, " has nothing to do with this business. It is my 
 arithmetic lesson and I had to get it done somehow." 
 
 56
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 NO BUSINESS OF HERS 
 
 An interesting dialogue between a woman and a railway con- 
 ductor — in which the woman got the best of it —is reported by 
 the Philadelphia " Press" : 
 
 " I shall have to ask you for a ticket for that boy, ma'am." 
 
 *' I guess not." 
 
 " He's too old to travel free. He occupies a whole seat, and 
 the car's crowded. There are people standing." 
 
 " I can't help that." 
 
 " I haven't time to argue the matter, ma'am. You'll have to 
 pay for that boy." 
 
 " I've never paid for him yet." 
 
 " You've got to begin doing it some time." 
 
 " Not this trip, anyway." 
 
 " You'll pay for that boy, ma'am, or I'll stop the train and put 
 him off." 
 
 " All right. Put him off if you think that's the way to get 
 anything out of me." 
 
 " You ought to know what the rules of this road are, ma'am. 
 How old is that boy ? " 
 
 " I don't know. I never saw him before." 
 
 SHE KNEW HER BUSINESS 
 It was at a hotel in Vermont. A New York commercial 
 
 traveller glanced up from his morning paper and asked of the 
 
 pretty waitress standing before him : 
 
 " What kinds of breakfast food have you ? " 
 
 " Apple, mince, cranberry, pumpkin and custard," was her 
 
 prompt reply. 
 
 57
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 OBEYING ORDERS 
 
 Flanagan was a soldier, and was one night placed on sentry 
 duty. The password was " Sebastopol," and it was impressed 
 on the sentry that he was not to allow a soul to pass the lines 
 who could not give that countersign. 
 
 As luck would have it, the Colonel of the regiment was out 
 rather late that night, and came stroUing home in the dark. 
 
 As he neared Flanagan, that hero challenged him. 
 
 " Who goes there ? " 
 
 " A friend," said the Colonel. 
 
 " Advance, friend, and give the password." 
 
 " It's all right, Flanagan," said his Commanding Officer ; " I've 
 been out a bit late, and I've forgotten the word. But you know 
 me ; I'm your Colonel." 
 
 " I don't care who ye are," cried Flanagan ; " I've got my 
 orders, and devil a soul I'm going to let pass unless he says 
 ' Sebastopol ' ! " 
 
 TOO LATE TO CHANGE 
 
 " I hear you have a little sister at your house," said a Chicago 
 grocer to a small boy. 
 
 " Yes sir," saiid Johnny. 
 
 " Do you like that ? " was queried. 
 
 " I wish it was a boy," said Johnny, " so I could play marbles 
 with him, an' baseball." 
 
 " Well," said the storekeeper, " why don't you exchange your 
 little sister for a boy ? " 
 
 Johnny reflected for a minute, then he said rather sorrowfully : 
 
 " We can't now. It's too late. We've used her four days." 
 
 58
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 IN AN "EXPRESS" ELEVATOR 
 In one of the elevators of a city skyscraper, as the elevator 
 shot toward the zenith, a stout man began to sputter. "S s s s s 
 
 s's's ," he said, as the veins stood out upon his neck. 
 
 At the twenty-third story the stout man's eyes were nearly start- 
 ing from his head, and as he grasped the arm of the elevator 
 man the latter nervously pulled the lever, and the lift started for 
 the bottom at a terrific rate. The solitary passenger danced 
 about, gurgling spasmodically. As the car struck bottom, how- 
 ever, he rushed through the door and up to an important mdmd- 
 ual, whose cap bore the screed "Starter." "S-s-s-say," he 
 sputtered, " t-t-this is the th-th-third trip I-I-I've t-t-taken in the 
 elevator, 'n' I-I-I-I w-w-wanter g-g-g-get off at the sev-sev- 
 seventh fl-fl-fl-floor. Before I-I-I c-c-c-can say sev-sev-seven 
 I-I-I-l'm up to the t-t-top, 'n' be-be-before I-I-I can cat-cat- 
 catch my br-br-breath I-I-I'm down h-h-here again, 'n I-I-I-I'm 
 in a de-de-vil of a hurry." 
 
 DANGER OF ROBBERY 
 A plumber was sent for to the house of a wealthy stockbroker 
 to execute some repairs. He was taken by the butler into the 
 dining-room, and was beginning his work, when the lady of the 
 house entered. "John," said she, with a suspicious glance 
 toward the plumber, " remove the silver from the sideboard, and 
 lock it up at once." But the man of lead was in nowise dis- 
 concerted. " Tom," said he to his apprentice who accompanied 
 him, " take my watch and my chain, and these coppers, home 
 to my missus at once. There seems to be dishonest people about 
 
 this house." 
 
 69
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 YOUTHFUL PHILOSOPHY 
 
 A teacher in the first grade of the grammar school gave notice 
 to the class that they were to write a theme upon some subject 
 in the schoolroom. 
 
 Johnny was at a loss for a subject. The teacher noticing his 
 perplexity asked him what was his trouble. He replied, " I 
 don't know nothin' to write about." " Write about anything" 
 said the teacher, " write about that pin on your desk." 
 
 The themes were finished and while correcting them the next 
 day the teacher noticed particularly that one of Johnny's, for it 
 ended — " Meiny people have had their lives saved by pins." 
 
 The teacher caUed him to her desk and asked him the meaning 
 of this last sentence, asked him how people had saved their lives 
 by pins, and Johnny bravely replied " By not swallowing them." 
 
 A BUSINESS QUESTION 
 A commercial traveller stopping at the Adams House, was 
 recalling some of his experiences to a group a few evenings ago, 
 and told this one : " I travel for a dry goods house now, but I 
 used to be vAth. a big farm machinery house in the West, and a 
 letter, framed and hanging in the president's office, attracted my 
 attention, and a question brought out its history. The company 
 had received a letter from a farmer in the East, asking for prices 
 on a portable saw mill, such as he had seen mentioned in their 
 ad. in his farmers' paper. They wrote him a description of the 
 mill, and quoted him the price, which was $35. In a few days 
 they got the letter which still hangs on the office wall, nicely 
 framed. The letter reads: 'Dear sir: If I had $35.00, what 
 
 in h would I want of a saw mill ?' " 
 
 60
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 THE BISHOP'S FACE 
 It is related of Bishop Potter, that at the close of a lecture 
 
 engagement in rureJ New York he was approached by a farmer, 
 
 who, addressing him familiarly, said : — 
 
 " Pard, h'ain't I seen yore pictur' someers in th' paypers ? " 
 With becoming modesty the bishop replied : " It is possible." 
 " Well, pard," continued the farmer, " won't you please tell 
 
 me what you was cured of ? " 
 
 ANOTHER LIPTON STORY 
 
 In his early days Sir Thomas Lipton denied himself almost 
 every pleeisure except that of amassing a fortune. Calling one 
 day on a consul on business matters, he was offered by the 
 official a cigar. 
 
 " No, thank you," said Sir Thomas (then Mr.) Lipton. 
 " Although I am the biggest smoker in England, I never smoke 
 cigars." 
 
 " What do you smoke ? " was the surprised query. 
 
 * Bacon," was the prompt reply. 
 
 A TOTAL LOSS 
 A milkman was lately seeking the aid of the police, to trace the 
 whereabouts of a fcimily who had left the neighborhood, owing 
 him four dollars. " Well, i suppose there was two dollars' worth 
 of water in that milk account," remarked the inspector. " That's 
 where it galls me — that's where it hurts ! " replied the dealer. 
 " They were new customers, and I hadn't commenced to water 
 the milk yet ! " 
 
 61
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 TIT FOR TAT 
 
 During a certain whaling cruise the first mate of the ship got 
 to drinking to excess and was intoxicated for several days. One 
 day, after having come out of this state, he examined the log 
 book to see what had passed during his period of semi-forget- 
 fulness. He was horrified to find entered in the book for the 
 three days consecutively, " The first mate is drunk today." He 
 naturally did not want this to stand as it would hardly be a good 
 recommendation for him to the ship owners. He saw the captain 
 about it and asked him to remove the entries. 
 
 The captain replied, " It is the truth is it not 7 " " Yes 
 but, — " replied the mate. The captain interrupted him," If it is 
 the truth, the truth must stand. It is written in ink and cannot 
 be removed without injuring the book." 
 
 It was but a short time afterward that the captain was taken 
 ill and remained so for a week. It devolved upon the mate to 
 keep the log book. The captain on recovering from his illness 
 got the book to examine it to see how the mate had done his 
 duty. Imagine his consternation when he read in each of the 
 seven day's entries, "The captain is sober today." 
 
 The Captain immediately called the mate and indignantly 
 questioned him in regard to these entries. The mate replied, 
 " It is the truth is it not ? " " Yes but—" replied the captain. 
 The mate interrupted him, " If it is the truth, the truth must 
 stand, must it not? I have your word that the writing in ink 
 cannot be erased." 
 
 Bonnie — "You drink another drop and I'll leave you ! " 
 Jim — " Is that a threat or a promise ? " 
 
 62
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 DIDNT FIND HER HONEY 
 
 A young married woman from the South, who was visiting 
 New York a few days ago with her husband, left him in their 
 hotel room one morning while she went on an errand. She was 
 not accustomed to big hotels nor to big New York, but she got 
 back without mishap in half an hour and knocked at the door. 
 There was no response. 
 
 " Let me in, honey," said the young woman knocking more 
 vigorously. 
 
 Still no response. 
 
 " Honey, let me in," called the young woman, redoubling her 
 exertions. " Honey, honey, let me in." 
 
 She rattled the knob and shook the door and pounded with 
 both fists, but there was the silence of the grave on the other 
 side. The young woman's voice rose to half a cry. 
 
 " Honey, ciren't you there ? I want to get in. Honey, open 
 the door." 
 
 Then arose from the other side of the door a deep, bass voice, 
 with a resentful note in it : 
 
 " Madam," it said, " this is not a beehive. This is a bath- 
 room." 
 
 A DIFFERENCE IN LOCATION 
 
 A father while chastising his son with a shingle said, as is usual 
 
 for conscientious parents using the rod: 
 
 " Son, this hurts me a great deal worse than it does you." 
 " Perhaps so. Pa," said he through his sobs, " but not in the 
 
 same place." 
 
 63
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 A SHOCK 
 
 A young man, whom we may call Johnson, because that was 
 not his real neime, was married several days ago, and it occurred 
 to him that he would take his bride to a town which he knew 
 well on their honeymoon. 
 
 He was particularly desirous of visiting this tovm, as he told 
 his bride, because at the hotel where he intended staying " they 
 served such delicious honey at every meal." 
 
 " This wall be delightful," said Mrs. Johnson. 
 
 The couple arrived at the hotel in due course, and they were 
 just in time for tea. Johnson escorted his bride proudly to a 
 table in the dining-room, and then, after an admiring glance at 
 her, looked quizzically round the board. 
 
 There was no honey on the table, and none in the room. 
 Johnson was surprised and called a waiter. 
 
 " See here," said he, " where's my honey ? " 
 
 The Wciiter seemed at a loss as to what to say, but finally 
 leaned forward, cuid in a stage whisper said, " She don't work 
 here no more ! " 
 
 HE DIDNT HAVE THE HEART 
 A young physician was once called in by a gentlemam who 
 had a very sick mother-in-law. After looking into the case 
 carefully, the young M. D. called the gentleman aside and said : 
 " Well, the only thing I can suggest is to send your mother- 
 in-law to a warmer climate." 
 
 The mein disappeared and Ccime back wath an cixe a moment 
 later, and exclciimed : 
 
 *' Here, doctor, you kill her. I really haven't the heart." 
 
 64
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 BUY A RAT 
 
 " Is this dog a good ratter ? " young Cardeza asked. 
 
 " Oh, excellent," replied the dealer. 
 
 " Well, we'll try him," Sciid Mr. Cardeza. 
 
 Accordingly the terrier was lowered into a pit, and a groom 
 brought a huge rat and dropped it down beside him. 
 
 Rat and terrier rushed at one another, and the rat bit his 
 opponent on the nose. Instantly, with a loud howl, the dog gave 
 up the batde. 
 
 " Well," said Mr. Cardeza, turning to the dealer with a smile, 
 " your terrier is no good at all. How would you like to buy a 
 rat?" 
 
 HAD LIMITATIONS 
 
 On a certain building job some years ago the contractor, who 
 was a politician, put in a hod-hoisting machine and discharged 
 the men who had been doing that work. A hod carrier who 
 had been thrown out of employment by the chcinge came around 
 a couple of days after to see how the new apparatus worked. 
 He watched it for awhile in silence, and finally exclaiimed : — 
 
 " Ye're all roight. Ye' re a-a-1 roight, but ye can't vote." 
 
 BARBARIC 
 
 In Plainfield, N. J., a Quaker gentleman riding in a carriage 
 with a fashionable girl decked wath a profusion of jewelry, heard 
 her complciin of the cold. Shivering in her lace bonnet and 
 shawl as light as a cobweb, she exclaimed : — 
 
 " What shall I do to get warm ? " 
 
 " I really don't know," replied the Quaker, solemnly, " unless 
 thee should put on another breastpin." 
 
 C5
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 IN BEANTOWN 
 
 A Kentuckian came East recently to spend a few weeks with 
 a friend who resided in one of Boston's best known suburban 
 towns. A few days after his arrival he went into the City Hall 
 and spent the day, and finally reached Young's Hotel. When 
 evening arrived the bartender noticed that he was in a brown 
 study. 
 
 " What is the matter, colonel ? " he asked. 
 
 " I am in a bad fix," said the colonel. I can't think of the 
 route to go out where I am stopping, and I'm hanged if I can think 
 of the name of the place." 
 
 " Perhaps I can help you," said the mixer. " Give me a name 
 that sounds the most like it." 
 
 " Whiskey straight," sziid the colonel. 
 
 " Oh, that's easy," said the bartender ; " Jamaica Plain." 
 
 " Correct," sciid the colonel ; " a little of the same, if you please." 
 
 PREFERRED THE BURGLAR 
 The burglar's wife was in the witness-box and the prosecut!.. ^ 
 attorney was conducting a vigorous cross-examination. 
 " Madam, you are the wife of this mem ? " 
 
 Yes. 
 " You knew he was a burglar when you married him ? " 
 
 Yes. 
 *' How did you come to contract a matrimonial alliance v^- ' 
 such a man ? " 
 
 " Well," the witness said, sarcastically, " I was ge tii 
 and had to choose between a lawyer eind a burgLr." 
 The cross-examination ended there. 
 
 66
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 "OUT OF THE HEART THE MOUTH SPEAKETH" 
 It was at a recent preachers' meeting, and three of the brethren 
 present vow that it did occur. Brother Jones was drowsy and 
 had nodded off to sleep. The presiding minister announced 
 that the meeting would close with a prayer. 
 "You will lead, Brother Jones," he said. 
 Brother Jones' answer electrified the assemblage. 
 " Darned if I do," said he, waking up suddenly. " You took 
 the last trick." 
 
 ONE ON THE PROFESSOR 
 The professor was walk'ng down the street when acci- 
 dently he allowed one foot to drop into the gutter. Thinking 
 deeply on some obscure subject he thoughtlessly continued on 
 walking with one foot on the sidewalk and the other in the gutter. 
 A friend of his, seeing him, stopped and said, " Good morning, 
 Professor." 
 
 " Good morning," said he. 
 
 " How are you feeling this morning, Professor ? " 
 " Well," said the Professor, "when I left home this moming I 
 was feeling quite well, but during the last fifteen minutes I notice 
 that I have a limp in my left leg." 
 
 ACCURATE AIM NEEDED 
 A man went into a Jew clothing store and tried on a coat 
 and vest. While the Jew turned his back to get the trousers, 
 the man ran out of the store. A policeman came by and pulled 
 his pistol. The Jew called out excitedly : " Shoot him in the 
 pants. The coat and vest is mine." 
 
 67
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 NOT ON BOARD 
 
 Proof was being given as to the fact of a certain Mr. Smith 
 having been on board a steamboat when her boiler exploded ; 
 Mrs. Smith, who lost both her husband and trunk, having brought 
 cin action for dcimages. 
 
 A German witness, on being asked if he had seen Mr. Smith 
 on board, replied : " I didn't see him on board de boat de last 
 time." 
 
 " You didn't ? " said the company's lawyer, who thought the 
 case was now safe. " Where did you see Mr. Smith ? " 
 
 " Vel," said the Germanic one, " ven de schmoke-pipe and 
 me vas going up, ve met Smith coming dowTi." 
 
 KEEP UP THE PITCH 
 
 It happened in a little church where the motive power for the 
 organ comes from the strong arms of an industrious villager. 
 
 At a recent service the choir got into trouble and, while con- 
 fusion reigned, the orgcin suddenly stopped. TTie situation was 
 not relieved when a hoarse voice came from behind the orgcin 
 and floated out into the auditorium. 
 
 It said: "Sing like thunder, me bhoys! The bellers is 
 busted ! " 
 
 RACIAL CHARACTERISTICS 
 " Did you ever notice the difference between a German picnic 
 and an Irish picnic ? The Germans meet at the hall and march 
 right out to the picnic. Do the Irish do that ? Not on your 
 life. They've got to march arouna town about three hours. 
 Every man in the procession wants to pass his own house." 
 
 68
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 HARD ON THE MUSIC 
 
 Francis Wilson, the comedian, was in New York rehearsing 
 a musicaJ piece one hot day this summer. Everyone in the 
 company was tired from their work and the heat, and things were 
 not running smoothly. 
 
 As is generally known, Mr. Wilson's voice compels him to 
 almost speak his songs. The chief musical number of the piece 
 had been sung four times, when the musical director, who was 
 leading, cailled for a repetition. 
 
 The company started it again, and had sung only a bar or two 
 when the director stopped them, emd tapping his baton angrily 
 on the footlight guard, said : "Come, come, Mr. Wilson ! You 
 cure just murdering the time." 
 
 '' Well," replied the actor, " it's better to murder it at once 
 than to be continually beating it as you do." 
 
 Everybody had a laugh, and then the song was rendered again, 
 this time without einy comment from the orchestra. 
 
 FILLED A WANT 
 
 He was cutting an item from a newspaper, 
 
 " It tells how a house was robbed, and I want to show it to 
 my wife," he explained. 
 
 " What good will that do ? " a friend inquired. 
 
 " A whole lot," was the reply. " You see, this house was 
 robbed while the man was at church with his wife." 
 
 " Say ! " exclaimed the friend, excitedly, " you haven't got a 
 duplicate copy of that paper, have you ? " 
 
 69
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 TRUE LOGIC 
 
 A party of college students knew an Irishman who used to 
 go through the cemetery every night on his way home, and 
 determined to frighten him. They dug a grave, and placing a 
 few loose boards over it, disguised one of their companions as a 
 ghost, and then hiding behind the gravestones awaited the de- 
 nouement. 
 
 Along came the Irishman, stubbed his toe, and biff, dowTi he 
 went into the open grave. As he arose the ghost said to him, 
 in sepulchral tones : 
 
 " What are you doing in my grave ? " 
 
 " Begorra ! what are you doing out of it ? " 
 
 NOT A VEGETARIAN 
 
 "Children," saiid a Sunday school teacher to her class of small 
 boys, " God gave us something that he did not give the lower 
 cinimals. Who can tell what it was 7 " 
 
 A little boy who had been exhibitmg a cut finger rose to 
 reply. 
 
 " Please teacher," he said, " God gave us blood, but he only 
 gave the animals dish gravy." 
 
 THE WIT OUTWITTED 
 
 Principal Haynes entered the school-room one morning to 
 find on the blackboard the touching legend : " Our teacher is 
 a donkey." Mr. Haynes simply added the word " driver" to 
 the legend and opened the school with prayer as usual. 
 
 70
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 WHY HE WAS SO SURE 
 
 A doctor, whose practice was principally in the rural districts, 
 and whose fees were chiefly paid in merchandise, was driving 
 home one day after making many visits. When near his resi- 
 dence he met an old farmei patient drawing a load of hay, and 
 bringing his horse to a halt said : 
 
 " John, I think you owe me some twenty-odd dollars, and 
 I am in need of hay. When you come to town again bring me 
 a load." 
 
 Several days after the doctor was returning to dinner at noon 
 and noticed a load of hay overturned in the road, with the 
 farmer's son forking it back as fast as he could. It being a warm 
 day the doctor said: " I presume that is my hay. Come to 
 the house for dinner, after which you can resume your labors 
 cind get the hay into the bam." 
 
 To which the farmer's son replied : " No thanks ; I'm afraid 
 father wouldn't like it." 
 
 Repeated invtations brought forth the same response, but 
 finally the physician prevailed upon him to accompany him home. 
 All the way to the house and during the meal the lad would 
 continually revert to the accident and complain about the dis- 
 pleasure of his father. 
 
 Finally, the doctor became exasperated and remarked, " Why, 
 how is your father to know of your being here, and why should 
 he be displeased ? " 
 
 The boy replied meekly : " Well, father's under the hay." 
 
 THE EFFECTS OF DRINK 
 
 A drunken barber while shaving a minister cut him. The 
 minister said : " You see what drink does." 
 
 Drunken barber — '* Yes. It makes the skin yerra tender." 
 
 71
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 THOSE UNUSED WINGS 
 
 Bishop Henry C. Potter tells a story of a clergyman out West 
 who addressed a Sunday-school class. After a short discourse 
 he wound up by saying in a very paternal and condescending 
 way: 
 
 *' And now is there a-a-n-y little boy or a-a-n-y little girl who 
 would like to ask a question ? " 
 
 Getting no response, he repeated his query, cind then a shrill, 
 piping little voice, in the rear of the room called out : 
 
 " Please, sir, why did the angels walk up and down Jacob's 
 ladder when they had wings ? '* 
 
 "Ah — yes — I see," said the nonplused preacher. "And 
 now, is there a-a-n-y little boy or girl who would like to answer 
 little Mary's question ? " 
 
 A DEAD HEAT 
 
 " What's the funniest thing I ever saw ? " repeated the gen- 
 tleman of sporting tendencies. " Well, I guess it was a dead heat 
 in an event where there was only one entry." 
 
 " How in the world was that ? " came from the other end of 
 the store, and when the answer came, " A cremation," the 
 questioner ordered the drinks. 
 
 A GOOD PROFESSION 
 
 John Wesley once asked a smaU boy at a house where he was 
 
 dining, this question : " Well, my little boy, what are you going 
 
 to be when you grow up ? " " Oh," said the boy, " I'm going 
 
 to be a preacher. There are always such good dinners when 
 
 the preachers come." 
 
 72
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 THE DRUGGIST'S PROFITS 
 
 " Here, son, fill this prescription" said a deaf man as he walked 
 up to the counter in a drug store on the principal street in town. 
 
 " All right, sir," replied the obliging clerk. 
 
 Prescription filled, the clerk made a neat parcel of it, and, 
 handing it to the customer, said : — 
 
 " Seventy-five cents, please." 
 
 " How's that ? " asked the deaf man. 
 
 " Seventy-five cents," politely responded the clerk. 
 
 Thrusting his right hand down into his trousers pocket, he 
 drew forth a nickel and passed it to the clerk. 
 
 " I said seventy-five cents," remarked the clerk. 
 
 *' Well, didn't I give it to you ? " innocently responded the 
 customer. 
 
 " This is not enough ; your bill is 75 cents," was the clerk's 
 
 answer. 
 
 " Did I give you more than 5 cents ? " queried the aged man. 
 
 "' No, you did not ; I want 75 cents," was the clerk's reply. 
 
 "There's your 5 cents. What's the matter with you?" 
 indignantly answered the customer. 
 
 " Oh, go to the dickens ! I made 2 cents on you, anyway ! " 
 angrily retorted the drug clerk. 
 
 MUST HAVE BEEN BLIND 
 
 A young man asked a widow to marry him. 
 " What's the difference between myself and Willard Pond's 
 Jersey cow ? " asked the widow. 
 
 " 1 don't know," said the young man. 
 "Then," said the widow, "you'd better marry the cow." 
 
 73
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 COULDN'T PLACE CHAUNCEY 
 " Not very long ago," said Sen. Depew, " while travelling in 
 an ordinary passenger coach on the way to an up-state town, I 
 got on pretty good terms with the train boy. When he had 
 finished his rounds he came back to me 'to chin a bit,' as he 
 Sciid. 
 
 Do you know,' he said, ' that I can tell by looking at a 
 man mighty near what he is. Now, there's that fellow over 
 there in the comer. He's a Chicago drummer. I can tell him 
 by the way he lets his money go and the flip style he has when 
 he talks to people. And that chap over there with the silk hat 
 on is a preacher from a country town. I'm dead sure. I'll g-> 
 ask him if you say so.' 
 
 " I didn't say so, because I didn't care a continental, but I 
 asked him what he thought I was. He looked me over for a 
 minute carefully, as if he felt his reputation depended upon a 
 correct answer: 
 
 Well,' he said at last, ' you've got plenty of dough, but I 
 ain't dead sure whether you are a politician or a gambler.' " 
 
 THE PARSON AND THE " LIGHT " 
 
 A parson had had a call from a little country parish to a large 
 
 and wealthy one in a big city. He asked time for prayer and 
 
 consideration. He did not feel sure of his light. A month 
 
 passed. Some one met his youngest son. " How is it, Josiah ; 
 
 is your father going to B ? " 
 
 "Well," answered the youngster judicially, "paw is itill 
 prayin' for light, but most of the things is packed." 
 
 74
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 EVIDENCE BY INFERENCE 
 
 Everybody had enjoyed themselves at the party, for like every 
 Irish festive gathering it had ended, according to the decrees of 
 conventionality, in a fight, and the sequel was now being fought 
 out before a magistrate. 
 
 The witness for the prosecution, who had a lump over one eye, 
 a black and blue spot under the other, and a nose that pointed 
 decidedly awry, and various strips of court plaster on his face 
 eN-idently arranged without any regard to their artistic effect, 
 testified that the defendant had knocked him senseless and then 
 kicked him in the head and face for several minutes. 
 
 " If he knocked you senseless," asked the magistrate, " how 
 do you know he kicked you after you were down ? " 
 
 The witness scratched his jaw and reflected. 
 
 " I know it, yer honor," he replied, " 'cause that's what I'd 
 a' done to him, the playbuoy, if I'd got him down, an' I'm sure 
 he'd serve me the same way entoirely ! " 
 
 MISPLACED PITY 
 
 Dr. Edward Bedloe, formerly United States Consul at Canton, 
 says that one day, during a conversation with the wife of the 
 British Vice-Consul at that port, the question of the cheapness 
 of human life in China became a point of discussion. 
 
 The English official's wife was horrified when the fact was 
 referred to that a Chinese condemned to death may always find 
 a substitute to die in his place. 
 
 " Isn't that awful ! " exclaimed the fair Briton. " And I 
 understand that many a poor fellow earns his living by acting 
 as substitute in that horrible manner ! " 
 
 75
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 " AND A LITTLE CHILD LED THEM " 
 
 A little child was crying miserably one afternoon in Moscow. 
 He walked slowly down one of the principal streets, and his 
 howls soon brought a big crowd around him. 
 
 " What is the matter, my child ? What troubles you ? " 
 every one asked. 
 
 The boy paused finally. He looked at the multitude which 
 had assembled. Then, lifting up his voice, he shouted in a shrill 
 treble : 
 
 " I'm lost. Will somebody please take me home to Ivan 
 Troubetskoy, the champion clothier of the South End, who has 
 just got in his new stock of spring overcoats, suits, neckties, shirts, 
 hats and. umbrellas, which he will sell cheaper than any one else 
 in the city ? " 
 
 BAD WATCH 
 
 Ex-Judge Augustus Van Wyck was talking about the negro 
 in the south when he mentioned a contractor who used a great 
 many colored laborers. " He worked the negroes as long as it 
 was daylight," said Mr. Van Wyck, " though he had hired them 
 only for 1 hours from 7 a. m. until 6 p. m., with an hour out 
 for dinner. 
 
 " One day one of the negroes approached the boss and asked 
 the time of day, the sun being near the western horizon. TTie 
 contractor looked at his watch, which indicated 6.40, and 
 answered : ' It is a quarter past 5. Get back to work there.* 
 
 " ' Say, boss,' said the negro, ' when you die you may go to 
 heaven, but that watch of yours will shuah go to heU.' " 
 
 76
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 BETTER THAN PREFERRED 
 
 " Any thing in the river and harbor bill for me ? " Represen- 
 tative Beidler asked Chairman Burton. 
 
 " Not a dollar," Mr. Burton answered. 
 
 " You're almost as candid as a friend of mine in Cincinnati. 
 He went to a friend and borrowed $ 1 000. The next day he 
 fcdled, with a long list of creditors. 
 
 " * You're a fine friend,' said the lender, going up to the bor- 
 rower. ' Here you have my $ 1 000 cind I am not even in the 
 list of preferred creditors.* 
 
 "'Oh, that's all right, old man,' answered the bonower. 
 * You know now that you won't get anything, euid the others 
 won't know it for two years.' " 
 
 A LOCAL PLEDGE 
 
 A talented gentleman in Massachusetts was given to strong 
 
 drink, but was induced to sign the pledge with severaJ others. 
 
 Shortly after he had occasion to go to Providence, where almost 
 
 the first thing he did was to get drunk. The news of this reached 
 
 home before he did, and on his arrival he was called to account 
 as foUows : 
 
 " Mr. , we understand that you have violated the regu- 
 lations of our order." 
 
 " You are v^ong ; I have not." 
 
 " We are informed that you were intoxicated in Providence." 
 
 " Quite true ; I was ; but I don't belong to any temperance 
 society in Rhode Island. It's in Massachusetts." 
 
 77
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 TOO MUCH CURIOSITY 
 A dangerous operation was being performed upon a woman. 
 
 Old Doctor A , a quaint German, full of kindly wit and 
 
 professional enthusiasm, had several younger doctors with him. 
 One of them was administering the ether. He became so 
 interested in the old doctor's work that he withdrew the cone 
 from the patient's nostrils and she half-roused and rose to a sit- 
 ting posture, looking with wild-eyed amazement over the sur- 
 roundings. It was a critical period, and Doctor A did not 
 
 want to be interrupted. " Lay down, dere, voman," he com- 
 manded gruffly. " You haf more curiosity as a medical student." 
 
 THE OTHER WAY 
 A company promoter arrived at the gates of Heaven. St. 
 Peter as usual was on the watch. " Will you kindly step into 
 the elevator ? " said he. The company promoter did as he was 
 told, but was kept waiting a long time. At last he grew 
 impatient : " Will you kindly tell me when the elevator goes 
 up ? " " It does not go up," was the reply ; " it goes down." 
 
 NOT A DEAD BEAT 
 
 A wealthy young man called at the undertaker's and identified 
 a corpse as his father. He gave orders for elaborate burial. 
 Just as he was leaving, he took a last look and observed that 
 the lower jaw had fallen, exposing a set of false teeth. " That's 
 not my father," said he, and immediately left. 
 
 The undertaker yanked the body out of a handsome coffin," 
 slapped it down on the slab and said to it : " You d — fool ! 
 If you'd kept your mouth shut, you'd got a first-class funeral." 
 
 78
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 IN THE COURT-ROOM 
 
 The court and jury, as well as the general public enjoy the 
 scene when a lawyer, in an attempt to badger or browbeat a 
 witness, comes off second best in the encounter. An amusing 
 incident of this sort happened a few years ago in a court-room. 
 The plaintiff, who was a lady, was called upon to testify. She 
 got on very well, eind made a favorable impression on the jury, 
 under the guidance of her counsel, until the opposing counsel 
 subjected her to a sharp cross-examination. This so confused 
 her that she became faint, and fell to the floor in a swoon. In 
 cross-examining the next witness the counsel asked : 
 
 " Did you see the plaintiff faint a short time ago ? " 
 Yes, sir. 
 
 " People turn pale when they faint, don't they ?" 
 
 " No, not always." 
 
 " Did you ever hear of a case of fainting where the peurty did 
 not turn peJe ? " 
 Yes, sir. 
 
 " Did you ever see such a case ? " 
 Yes, sir. 
 
 "When?" 
 
 " About a year ago." 
 
 " Where was it ? " 
 
 " In this city." 
 
 " Who was it ? " 
 
 " 'Twas a negro, sir." 
 
 Peal after peal shook the court-room, in which the venerable 
 judge joined. The defendant's counsel lost his case, not to say 
 his temper. 
 
 70
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 RUDYARD KIPLING'S LOWER BERTH 
 The late Cecil Rhodes was a proverbially poor sleeper, eind 
 always avoided upper berths in sleeping-cars. This fact his 
 friend, Rudyard Kipling, knew. One night, on a Cape Town 
 railroad, with a night trip before them, Kipling offered to attend 
 to the sleeping arrangements. The treiin was crowded, and 
 there were but two berths left : an upper and a lower. The 
 latter Kipling kept for himself, and after the train had started he 
 gave the upper to Rhodes, who vigorously objected; but Kipling 
 was obdurate : he could not sleep in an upper, always rolled 
 out, etc., etc. Rhodes realized that he was the victim of a joke. 
 He decided to bide his time. The two went to bed. 
 
 In the middle of the night Rhodes, who had not slept a 
 wink, was disturbed by the train stopping and the talking of a 
 passenger and the porter. There were no berths, the porter 
 explained ; the lady would have to sit up for the rest of the night 
 in another car. Rhodes looked out. The lady was past middle 
 age. 
 
 " Excuse me, madam," said Rhodes, with his head between 
 the curtains, "perhaps I can be of service to you. My name is 
 Cecil Rhodes " 
 
 The lady bowed. 
 
 " In the berth directly beneath me," continued Rhodes, " is 
 my seven-year-old nephew. He is small, the berth is wide, and 
 if you don't mind occupying a berth with a little boy I shall be 
 most pleased to have you." 
 
 Tlie lady bowed her most profuse thanks. 
 
 " Not at all, madam," Sciid Rhodes ; it's perhaps better than 
 nothing. Simply push the boy to the farthest side of the berth 
 and you will find there is plenty of room." 
 
 80
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 The eyes of the porter fairly bulged. 
 
 Then the head of Cecil Rhodes withdrew, and he waited. 
 He heard the lady partially disrobe, felt the curtains part, and 
 then ccime a sudden commotion, and a voice : 
 
 " What in thunder " 
 
 Then the lady's voice : 
 
 "Oh, you bad little boy. You move right over there. 
 Your uncle says " 
 
 And in the commotion that followed a loud, regular snore 
 came from the upper berth. 
 
 A LAME EXCUSE 
 
 After finishing Vergilius one summer Irving Bacheller went 
 down to a certain little rural village in Pennsylvania to rest. 
 His doctor had recommended horseback riding, and finding it 
 difficult to hire a suitable mount he finally bought a horse from 
 an elderly man who wore the regulation long drab coat and 
 broad-brimmed hat of the old fashioned Quaker. It was a likely- 
 locking nag, and Bacheller felt much pleased over the transaction. 
 Mounting, he rode off, but before he had gone a mile the animal 
 developed a decided case of lameness. Bacheller turned back, 
 and shortly he met the Quaker plodding along the road. The 
 rider drew up and started to speak, when the man held up both 
 hands and said: 
 
 " No, no ; thee must not ask me to take back the horse." 
 " Oh, I wasn't going to," returned Bacheller softly. " All I 
 want is that you lend me your hat and coat till I can sell him to 
 
 some one else " 
 
 81
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 VENGEANCE 
 
 A travelling man went into a station cafe and ordered a plate 
 of beans. After he had eaten them the proprietor handed him 
 a check for 50c. The gentleman, on noticing the exhorbitant 
 charge for this simple item sedd, "Your beans are too high." 
 The proprietor of the cafe, however, was rather surly in his 
 manner and would give him no satisfaction. The traveUing 
 man was quite angry, but nevertheless, paid his bill. 
 
 As he left the station he got several telegraph blanks at the 
 telegraph office. When he got on board of his train he filled 
 out these blanks with the words " Your beans are too high." 
 At the first stop he hastily got off, rushed into the telegraph 
 office and sent the telegram collect, and returned to his train. 
 At the next stop he repeated this same thing and again at the 
 third stop. 
 
 Rumor has it that the proprietor of the cafe is in the asylum 
 for the insane. 
 
 CAR FARE ONLY 
 
 An Irishman, the proprietor of a well-known and popular 
 saloon, was balancing his receipts for the day with the tally of 
 the cash register. Things didn't quite jibe. Turning to one of 
 his clerks, he said : 
 
 " Say, Diimy, did an'ny of ye take money from this machine 
 lasht noight ? " 
 
 " Why, no. Mister P , nothing but our car fare," re- 
 sponded the clerk. 
 
 " Ye're car fare ! Car-rr fare ! Where are ye goin', to San 
 
 Francisco ? " 
 
 82
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 MONEY NO OBJECT 
 
 A lively-looking porter stood on the rear of a Pullman car in 
 the Pennsylvania depot. A fussy and choleric-looking old man 
 clambered up the steps. He stopped on the platform, puffed a 
 moment, and then turned to the young colored man in uniform 
 and said : ** Porter ! " 
 
 " Yes, sir." 
 
 " I am going to St. Louis to the fair. I want to be well taken 
 care of and can pay for it. Do you understand ? " 
 
 " Yes, sir ; I hope — " 
 
 " Never mind what you hope. You listen to what I say. 
 Keep the train boys away from me. Dust me off whenever I 
 want you too. Give me an extra blanket, and if any fellow has 
 the berth above me, slide him over into another one. I want 
 you to — " 
 
 " But, say, boss, I — " 
 
 " Don't talk too much young man. Here's $2. Now I 
 want to get the good of it. Not a word, sir." 
 
 The train was starting. The porter swung off to the platform. 
 
 " All right, boss," he shouted. " I'm powerfully sorry you 
 wouldn't let me talk, but I ain't going out on that train." 
 
 COULDN'T TRUST HIMSELF 
 The baby was yelling at the rate of a mile a minute and the 
 father and mother stood over the crib, with the laudanum bottle 
 between them. " No," he said, " you pour it out, Sara, 1 can't 
 
 trust myself." 
 
 83
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 HE HAD FAITH IN THE DOCTOR 
 
 A young English laborer went to the register's office to record 
 his father's death. The register asked the date of death. 
 
 " Well, father ain't dead yet," was the reply; " but he will 
 be dead before morning, and I thought it would save me another 
 trip if you would put it down now." 
 
 " Oh, that won't do at all," said the register. " Why, your 
 father may be well before morning." 
 
 " Ah, no, he won't," said the young laborer. " Our doctor 
 says he won't, and he knows what he's giving father." 
 
 THE SAME COLOR 
 
 A colleague tells an amusing story in which Senator John T. 
 Morgan, who is quite near-sighted, is the main figure. 
 
 It appears that the Alabama statesman, while at dessert one 
 evening in a hotel at Hot Springs, Virginia, experienced con- 
 siderable difficulty in separating from the plate passed him by 
 the colored waiter what he thought was a chocolate eclair. It 
 stuck fast, so Senator Morgan pushed his fork quite under it, 
 and tried again and again to pry it up. 
 
 Suddenly he became aware that his friends at the table were 
 convulsed with laughter, which much mystified him. But his 
 surprise was even greater when the waiter quietly remarked : 
 
 " Pardon me, Senator, but that's my thumb ! " 
 
 CURIOSITY 
 An Irishman saw an anchor. He stayed around watching 
 it for three days. Someone asked him what he was waiting 
 for. He said : " I'm waiting to see the man that uses that pick." 
 
 84
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 GOOD MEASURE 
 " My friend Casey, had a friend named Sullivan, who was 
 very sick, and as there was no one else avaUable Casey told the 
 physician that he would sit up with him. Well, the doctor 
 told Casey to administer a powder at 1 o'clock and to give him 
 just what he could get on a dime and no more. He took a 
 dime from his pocket and showed Casey the necessary portion 
 and cautioned him against giving an overdose. Casey said he 
 understood and the doctor left— of course without leaving the 
 dime. The next moming when he called he found the man 
 dead. He said to Casey, 'did you give him the dose I pre- 
 scribed ? ' Casey said, ' of course I did. I didn't have a dime 
 so I put it on two nickels.' " 
 
 A TRANSMIGRATION OF A SOUL 
 A college sport got a little the worse for wear the other day 
 and his "friends" put him to bed in a hotel. They covered his body 
 with vaseline and gave him a coat of feathers from the pillow. 
 Then they closed all the windows, turned on the steam and left 
 him. When he awoke he caught sight of himself in a mirror. 
 " Great Scott ! " said he. " In hell and a bird." 
 
 AN EXPERT 
 
 Mrs. Tizzletop overheard her son, Johnny, swear like a 
 
 trooper. 
 
 " Why, Johnny," she exclaimed, " Who taught you to swear 
 
 like that?" 
 
 " Taught me to swear," exclaimed Johnny, " Why, it s me 
 
 who teaches the other boys." 
 
 85
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 PAT'S FEAR 
 An old Irishman who had recently recovered from a severe 
 attack of sickness, chanced to meet his parish priest, who had 
 been summoned during his illness to administer the rites of the 
 church to the dying, as he was considered to be near death's 
 door, and the following conversation took place : " Ah, Pat, I see 
 you out again. We thought you were gone sure. You had a 
 pretty serious time of it." " Yis, yer riverence, indade I did." 
 " When you were so near death's door, were you not afraid to 
 meet your God, your Maker ?" " No, indade, your riverence. 
 It was the other gintlemin." 
 
 SARCASM 
 A pompous lawT^er spoke sarcastically to the keeper of an 
 apple-stand : " Your business cares seem to wear upon you. 
 You should go into something which is not so trying to the 
 brain." "Oh, 'taint business," replied the apple-seller- "it's 
 lyin* awake nights tryin' to decide whether to leave my fortune 
 to an orphan asylum, or to a home for played-out old lawyers, 
 as is killing me ! " 
 
 WOULD GET BETTER RESULTS 
 A little boy was sitting behind a bald-headed man at church, 
 who was scratching the fringe of hair on one side of his bald 
 pate. The old gentleman kept it up so long that at last the little 
 boy became interested, and, leaning over, said : 
 
 " Say, mister, you'll never catch him there. Why don't you 
 run him out in the open ? 
 
 86
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 BETTER THAN /ESOP 
 
 Once upon a time two frogs fell into a jar of milk. 
 
 One of them being well frightened croaked at the top of his 
 voice for assistance. 
 
 He did this until he was exhausted, then seink and was 
 drowned. 
 
 The other struck out with his hind legs and paddled and 
 paddled until he had churned the milk into butter. Then he 
 got on top of the butter lump eind sat there until he was rescued 
 and hopped off. 
 
 Moral : Keep kicking cind you'll land somewhere cill right! 
 
 OUR WESTERN RAILROADS 
 A traveller tells the story of the time he was crossing a stretch 
 of prairie on a one-horse raiilroad, when suddenly the train 
 stopped without any apparent reason. After a wait of nearlj' 
 an hour the conductor came sneaking through the train with a 
 shamefaced air as he met the glances of the exasperated passen- 
 gers. He came to the narrator and stopped and leaning over, 
 said in a whisper : " Have you got a piece of string ? We 
 Wcint to fix the engine." 
 
 THE PATIENT'S RESENTMENT 
 
 The physicians were holding a consultation beside the cot of 
 a man supposed to have appendicitis concealed about his person. 
 
 " I believe," said one of the surgeons, " that we should wait 
 cind let him get stronger before cutting into him." 
 
 Before the other prospective operators could reply the patient 
 turned his head and remarked feebly: 
 
 " What do you take me for — a cheese ?" 
 
 87
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 A QUEER CHARGE 
 
 Mr. Sissons stammered outrageously. Especially difficult to 
 him was the pronunciation of his own name. He had the mis- 
 fortune to stay out late and uproariously one night and to account 
 for it before the magistrate at the police court next morning. 
 
 " What is your name ? " asked Justice McGowan. 
 
 Sissons began his reply : " Sss-ss-sss-ss-siss" — 
 
 " Stop that noise and tell me what is your name," said the 
 judge, impatiently. 
 
 *' Siss-sss-sss-sissss — 
 
 " That will do," said his honor, severely. " Officer, what is 
 that man charged with ?" 
 
 " I think, your honor, he's charged wid sody-water." 
 
 WOULD BE QUITE A LINGUIST 
 "Wanted — A man on a farm. Must speak French and 
 German and understand horses and cows." 
 
 NO EXAGGERATION 
 Ethel told Nan that she had a cat that could jump as high as 
 Bunker Hill monument and when Nan looked incredulous Ethel 
 said ; " Well, how high can Bunker Hill monument jump ? " 
 
 ONE TURN MORE 
 " The difference between rheumatism and the gout is this : 
 You put your finger in a vice and turn the screw until you can 
 bear the pain no longer — that's rheumatism. Then you give it 
 one turn more — that's the gout." 
 
 88
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 THE BREECHES ON THE WRONG MAN 
 Bret Harte was so frequently complimented on being the 
 author of " Little Breeches" that he was almost as sorry it was 
 ever written as is Secretary John Hay, who would prefer his 
 fame to rest on more ambitious work. A gushing lady who 
 prided herself upon her literary tastes said to him once : " Mr. 
 Harte, I am so delighted to meet you. I have read everything 
 you ever wrote, but of all your dialect verse there is none that 
 compares to your ' Little Breeches.' " 
 
 " I quite agree with you, madam," said Mr. Harte; " but you 
 have put the little breeches on the wrong man." 
 
 HIS PRICE 
 A wealthy New York syndicate decided not long ago to try 
 
 to purchase the New York " Herald." So this cablegram was 
 
 dispatched to James Gordon Bennett in Paris : 
 
 " What is your lowest selling price for ' Herald ' ? " 
 Promptly came the answer : " Daily, three cents ; Sunday, 
 
 five cents. Bennett." 
 
 ANOTHER ON PAT 
 
 While walking through a Western freight yard, Patrick, who 
 had been in this country but a short time, noticed the name on 
 one of the cars. 
 
 SpeUing it over, letter by letter to himself he read M-I-C-H, 
 Mike I-G-A-N-I gan, Mike Igan. " Shure" said he to a pass- 
 erby, " I knew Mike in the owld counthry as poor as I am and 
 now the sassenach owns the whole railroad." 
 
 89
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 HE WAS NERVOUS. ALL RIGHT 
 
 " A travelling man stopped at an Indiana hotel," says the 
 " Indianapolis News." "The proprietor told him he had not a 
 room in the house. The man protested. He must have a 
 room. Finally the proprietor told him there was a room, a little 
 room separated by a thin partition horn a nervous man, a man 
 who had lived in the house for ten years. 
 
 " ' He is so nervous,' said the landlord, ' I don't dare put any 
 one in that room. The least noise might give him a nervous 
 spell that would endanger his life.' 
 
 Oh, give me a room,' said the traveller. ' I'll be so quiet 
 he'll not know I'm there.' 
 
 " The room was given the traveller. He slipped in noiselessly 
 and began to disrobe. He took off one article of clothing after 
 cinother as quietly as a burglar. At last he came to his shoes. 
 He unlaced a shoe and then, manlike, dropped it. 
 
 " The shoe fell to the floor wdth a great noise. Hie offend- 
 ing traveller, horrified at what he had done, waited to hear from 
 the nervous man. Not a sound. He took off the second shoe 
 and placed it noiselessly upon the floor ; then in absolute silence 
 finished undressing cuid crawled between the sheets. 
 
 " Half an hour went by. He had dropped into a doze when 
 there came a tremendous knocking on the partition. 
 
 " The traveller sat up in bed trembling and dismayed. ' Wh- 
 wha- what's the matter ?' he asked. 
 
 " Then came the voice of the nervous man : 
 
 Hang you ! Drop that other shoe, will you ?' " 
 
 90
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 THE TRADING-STAMP CRAZE 
 
 An undertaker in a large city makes this contribution : 
 
 He was visited at his place of business one morning by two 
 women, one of whom wore a long crepe veil, attesting to recent 
 bereavement. Indeed, she had come to select a coffin for her 
 husband. Part of her conversation was carried forward with 
 a handkerchief held to her tear-dimmed eyes. It took her a 
 long time to make her choice, but finally she did so, and the 
 undertaker had escorted her to the door, when she stopped and 
 said tearfully : " One — one — thing more." 
 
 " Yes," said the undertaker. 
 
 " Do you — do you — give trading stamps ? " 
 
 A PROBLEM IN PHYSICS 
 
 Patrick and Michael had returned from a neighboring town 
 where they had been imbibing quite heavily of intoxicating 
 liquors. While passing through their farm-yard Pat fell down 
 the well. Mike immediately ran to the bam for a rope and on 
 retuming lowered it to his friend. Pat was quite a heavy fellow 
 and it was with great difficulty that Mike began pulling him to 
 the top of the well. 
 
 Owing to the effects of the liquor he had drunk Mike's head 
 was not as steady nor was his grip as strong as they might have 
 been. Pat had been pulled about half way to the surface when 
 Mike, feeling the rope slipping through his hands said " Hould 
 on tight Pat, hold on tight just for one secont 'til Oi sphiton me 
 hands." 
 
 91
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 TAKE IT IN INSTALMENTS 
 
 William H Crane, the actor, tells of an amusing incident that 
 occurred in course of a performeince by a company with which 
 the comedian was connected at one time. Crane had been 
 understudying for the leading man, and it became his duty at a 
 critical time to lift up the fainting heroine and convey her to the 
 wings. 
 
 At the time mentioned Mr. Crane was slight and anything 
 but strong, so that the task assigned was extremely difficult, 
 when it is considered that the leading woman weighed nearly 
 two hundred pounds. 
 
 After sundry attempts to accomplish the " business" assigned 
 him, with little hope of its accomplishment, the strain was broken 
 by the hearty laughter of the audience, for a strong, shriU voice 
 from the gallery had shouted : 
 
 " For Heaven's sake, man, take what you can and come 
 back for the rest ! " 
 
 SUCH A LIAR 
 
 Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight and 
 it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say 
 " enough." Casey got Riley down and was hammering him 
 unmercifully, when Riley called out several times "enough ! " 
 As Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punish- 
 ment, a bystander said, " Why don't you let him up ? Don't 
 you hear him say that he's got enough ? " "I do," says Casey, 
 " but he's such a liar, you can't believe him." 
 
 92
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 WOULD LACK THE PRICE 
 
 An employe working for an undertaker, having been given 
 charge for the first time of the funeral of a wealthy Hebrew, 
 upon being asked by his employer as to how he succeeded, said 
 " Oh, purty well, but — " 
 
 " But what ? " the employer asked, 
 
 " Well, you see, boss, I want to ask you a question. When 
 we put the corpse in the casket they put fifty cents in his hand. 
 Now what do they do that for ? " 
 
 " Oh, they have a tradition that they must do that so the soul 
 Ccin pay the ferryage across the river," replied the undertaker. 
 
 The inquirer answered, " WeU, the poor fellow will have to 
 swim this time." 
 
 HE HAD LEFT THE CARDS ALL RIGHT 
 
 The high-bom dame was breaking in a new footman — stupid 
 but honest. 
 
 In her brougham, about to make a round of visits, she found 
 she had forgotten her bits of pasteboard. So she sent the man 
 back w^th orders to bring some of her cards that were on the 
 mantelpiece in her boudoir, and put them in his pocket. 
 
 At different houses, she told the footman to hcind in one, and 
 sometimes a couple, until at last she told Jeames to leave three 
 at one house. 
 
 " Can't do it, mum." 
 
 " How's that ? " 
 
 " I've only got two left — the ace of spades and the seven of 
 clubs ! " 
 
 93
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 NOT IN THE PAST— THE FUTURE 
 
 " Wasn't there a fire in your store last Wednesday ? " 
 " No. Not last Vendesday — Next Tuesday." 
 
 HIS IDEA OF GENIUS 
 
 A young man once said to Thomas A. Edison, the inventor : 
 Mr. Edison, don't you believe that genius is inspiration ? " 
 " No," replied Edison ; "genius is /^rspiration." 
 
 COULDN'T SMELL ANYTHING 
 
 Heinrich Conned vv^as standing in the back of the Metro- 
 politan Opera House a few nights ago, during the performance 
 of a German opera. As he leaned on the rciil behind the back 
 row of seats, he heard the whispers of two men sitting almost 
 in reach of his hand. 
 
 One of them was apparently a native American ; the other 
 talked with a decided German dialect. 
 
 "The acoustics of this house," whispered the Americcin, 
 " are very bad." 
 
 The German was heard to sniff audibly once or twice. 
 
 " Vot makes you say dot ? " he asked of his Americcin com- 
 panion ; " I don't smell anyt'ing." 
 
 DEFINITION OF AN IRISH ISLAND 
 A school-teacher asked an Irish boy to describe an island. 
 " Sure, ma'am," said Pat, " it's a place ye can't lave without a 
 boat." 
 
 94
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 HE WAS INTOXICATED 
 
 The owner of a certain factory had considerable trouble with 
 one of his foremen o\ving to the man's continual use of strong 
 drink. Quite often this man would come to work with an ex- 
 cess of stimulative spirits within him. He would have been 
 discharged after his first offence, but for the fact that he was a 
 very capable employe. 
 
 The owner lost patience, however one day, when the fore- 
 man staggered Into his room, barely able to walk. " I see you're 
 drunk again," said the owner, and he told the man that this 
 would be his last offence as he had no further need of his ser- 
 vices. " I'm not drunk," seiid the man with a convulsive hic- 
 cough. The proprietor amused at his drunken obstinancy said, 
 " I bet you couldn't walk a straight line if you tried." "Show 
 me the line," replied the fellow as he slumped into a chair. 
 Taking a piece of chalk from his desk the owner drew a long 
 line on the floor. The man wath an attemptedly dignified man- 
 ner rose and said, looking at the floor — " Now shir, if you'll tell 
 me which one of dose t'ree lines you want me to walk on I'll 
 do it." 
 
 A SHARP RETORT 
 
 A Yankee and an Irishman happening to be riding together, 
 passed a gallows. 
 
 " Where would you be," said Jonathan, "if the gallows had 
 its due ?" 
 
 " Riding alone, I guess," Sciid the Irishman. 
 
 95
 
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