o A l/^r^ SIvor BenMIIvor III' OAST/ JE r L* COTCH lOAST/' COTCH LO/^SJf o 9 SCOTTISH TOASTS COTCH lOAST/' V T T [ Jfe ILL, WSV YORK AfJP EOSTOW Copyright, igoS BY H. M. CALDWELL Co. Electrotyped and Printed by THE COLONIAL PRESS C. H. Simotids & Co., Boston, U.S.A. INTRODUCTION Whenever and wherever Scotchmen foregather the spirit of friendship and festivity is in the air. To be able to say the right thing at the right moment is to contribute to the harmony of such occasions. This little book is offered as an aid to all who would do so and it has been arranged so that Toasts, Sentiments and expressions of Conviviality, Love and Friendship of varying character and for all occasions come ready to hand. Here separately grouped are Patriotic Toasts, Convivial Toasts, Sen- timents of Love and Friendship, Toasts to the Women, Humourous Toasts, and a budget of Miscellaneous Toasts and Sentiments from which to pick and choose at will. Here also is a store of good stories ; s COTCH when toasts are not in order a good story is always in order. The best of all good stories are among the Scotch ones and these are of the kind that are ever welcome at the festive board. And the compiler of this little book, to use the language of the Toast Master of the Lord Mayor of London, "bids you a right hearty good welcome " and drinks to all his brother Scots in a Loving Cup. TCH 1OA.ST/ 9 o i (Off CONTENTS fr Introduction ...... Menu ....... Patriotic Toasts ..... Patriotic Scotsmen . . . . Toasts to Women, Love, Friendship, etc. Convivial and Humourous Toasts and Sentiments ..... Some After Dinner Stories ... Miscellaneous Toasts and Sentiments . Scottish Toasts: A Miscellany . . COTCH lOAST/ Edinburgh Pen and Pencil Club Scotch Nicht. I ^ # " And noo a rantin' feast weel stored, Saurs sweetly on the festive board." Picketi's Poems. A grace (but no) as lang's my arm." Burns. o' fare. Powsowdie and Cockie-leekie. * Wi' rowth o' reekin' kail supply The inward man." Ferguson. ix """IMIIII ii.n,. -^ COTCHiOAST/' Cod and Oyster Sauce. Haddies. " . . . . He's no ill boden That gusts his gab wi' oyster sauce An' cod weel soden." Ferguson. m They're braw caller haddies." Antiquary. Sheep's Head and Trotters. HAGGIS. " A sheep's head owre muckle boiled is rank poison." Bailie Nicol Jarvie. " A haggis fat, weel tottled in a scything pat." Ferguson. Drams. " An' his nose is juisf To the memory of the Heroes and Heroines of Bonnie Scotland. To the memory of Wallace and the Scots who hae wi' Wallace bled. A *t | | s COTCH 1OA.ST/ We toast ye, the nicht, the hill and the $fXH heather, The lad o' the bonnet, the plaid and the feather, The land o' the mountain, the stream and the river, The land o' our ancestors, Scotland for ever! r Wherever I wander, wherever I rove, The hills of the Highlands for ever I love! ar PATRIOTIC SCOTSMEN A Budget of Stories The expression, " Caledonia, stem and wild," is very apt. The sternness has been seen in the Solemn League and Covenant, in Sabbath observance, and in the Disruption of 1843. The wildness has been seen on many a O'sf battlefield in every quarter of the world. Lord Byron refers to it in his description of Waterloo : " And wild and high the ' Cameron's Gathering ' rose. ... the fierce native daring which instils The stirring memory of a thousand years." Sir Walter Scott, dealing with the same subject, uses a similar expression. In Ossian it occurs over and over again. Stern and wild applies to country, people, and music as much to-day as it did a hundred years ago. The qualities which Napoleon admired in the Scots at Waterloo hi 1815 were displayed at Dargai and Atbara in 1898. The Scots being a warlike race, it followed that the Volunteer movement 16 OCQTCH (-V should be popular. We all know the story of the urchin who laughed im- moderately at the mounted Volunteer officer. The officer turned on him with the wrathful remark. " Boy, what are you laughing at; did you never see a war horse? " The urchin responded, " Oo, aye, I hae seen a waur horse mony a time, but I never saw a waur rider ! " Geordie Gardiner was a member of Trowan's company, Crieff, which was composed chiefly of country lads. They used to squat down on the grass as soon as they entered the park, and no bugle call could bring them to their feet till Geordie would get into a frenzy, running about like a drover at Falkirk Tryst, shouting to the recumbent redcoats, " Rise COTCH lOAST/ 7 and dress up there, or I'll tak' ye a crack wi' a stane 1 " A lad who got his living by the manufacture of horn spoons applied for admission into what was known as the Daft Company in Crieff. Lord John addressed the Company, and asked, " if they would be willing to serve along with the lad who was a tinker." GUI Jock replied, " Ou, aye, sir, tak' him by a' means. We get the name o' the Daft Company ony way, and then there'll be naething but daft folk and tinkers in't." Poor Lord John, feeling himself, as it were, " rebuked and put down," rrerely added, "Oh, I'll irform the young man that he'll not be accepted of." 18 A story is told of a Haddington tinsmith, Harry Galbraith, who, when checked for inability to perform some military evolution, in the Volunteer Corps replied in a tone of disgust, " Every man to his trade, Captain Kinloch. Can ye mak' a caffee-pat? " The Tranent Volunteers, a very good company, consisting almost en- tirely of miners, were being drilled, a good many years after 1859, by Adjutant Ross, afterwards colonel of the Royal Scots. The order was new to them, " Stand at ease. Stand easy." They stood easy, as miners do, by settling on their hunkers! I hope the expression is not too vague. The expression used ^by the adiutant was not. It is told of the same com- pany that on one occasion, at a big affair in Annisfield Park, they were told to " ground arms." This was done by every man. Afterwards, when the order was given, " take up arms," one member had to be prompted, and this was how it was done : " Hi, Johnnie, man, lift yir cannon." This reminds me of another from the same company. It was during refreshment time after a big sham fight. " Hi, man," says one, " a' lost the skin o' ma baagnet comin' through that wud." " Man, that's nae- thin," exclaims a comrade, " A' lost the lid o' ma cannon." The worthies were deploring the loss of a scabbard and a sight protector. I am not sure whether he was a member of Tranent company or not L 20 S rrvnr' {^\J I %w 9 t. that was travelling one night by rail from Edinburgh when an old gentle- man searched his pockets, grew very fidgety, and said it was a most ex- traordinary thing that he should lose his railway ticket. Our hero calmly replied, "Lose a bit ticket! That's naethin. A' lost the big drum." In one of the Haddington Volunteer companies there was a member named Porteous, who was not a crack shot, but it was understood that his bullets all went to the same place, which came to be known as Porteous's hole. Whenever a Volunteer missed the target and asked, " I winner whaur'll that ane hae gane," the reply was, " It'll be in Porteous's hole." s COTCH It does not pay crack shots to brag too much, however. A squad of the 8th (Crieff) Volunteers, firing at Benny beg Range, happened to hit a horse that was standing near probably with a splinter from a bullet after it had struck the target. A short time afterwards the excel- lences of the " gallant eighth " were being extolled in presence of a well- known Breadalbane Highlander named Duncan. Becoming exasperated, he exclaimed, " Tamm you and ye gallants and eights and things, the first man ye shot was a horse ! " A private of the 7th V. B. R. S., of extreme weight, took part in a forced march from Stow to Dingleton Com- mon, and, it being a very hot day, had to succumb. The doctor asked 22 him if he knew his weight, and the answer gasped out was, " A' no' ken, but I was auchteen stane when I left Longniddry." At some Volunteer manoeuvres in the South of Scotland a young ser- geant hi charge of a squad was asked by a private, " Where are we to go now? " " Dae ye no see that beer barrel below the trees? Left turn. Quick march." It was a commissioned officer who, having to lead his company through a narrow gap in a hedge, gave the order, " Halt, disperse, form on other side of hedge." Adjutant Gordon, Haddington, once startled his company with the com- s COTCH lOAST/ mand, " When the bugle fires begin to sound." He was a Highland sergeant who told the men in camp, " If she'll be findin' pottles here and pottles there, and if she'll find no more whatever the innocent will be punished as well as those that's not guilty." On one occasion a sham fight was going on and two men were supposed to have been shot. One of them, how- ever, got up and fired off a blank cartridge, when the other, a joiner, pulled him down, exclaiming, " Dae ye no ken yir a casualty?" Colonel Ross of the Royal Scots, while adjutant of the Ha d ding ton - 24 shire Volunteers, allowed full sway to his humour and impulsiveness. On one occasion he took in hand the " sizing " of a company, and after stating the book instructions that the tallest man was to be placed on the right and the smallest on the left, shouted " Six feet two, three paces to the front." There was no response. V Six feet one," etc. One stepped forward. And so on down to five feet four, when one man was left. " Five fut," shouted the adjutant, and little J responded to the order amid laughter which was not easily suppressed. Old Sergeant Law of the Hadding- ton company had a hunchback, no chest to speak of, and a head which reached far forward. When drilling 2 5 s COTCH he used to ask the members of the company to " Stand straight, head up, just like me." The same old sergeant was a good shot, and on one occasion when putting on bull's eyes in succession was asked by a man of position, who was a member of the company, how he managed to score so well. The reply was, " Oh, I juist shut ma een and pu' the tricker ! " A good story of practice at "the butts " is told of a Volunteer who was observed to lower his rifle fre- quently and blow something from about the foresight. Asked by a comrade what was wrong, he said there was a blasted fly that persisted in landing on the barrel whenever he took aim. The comrade took the rifle and lay down, when he dis- 26 covered that the mysterious fly was none other than the rangekeeper painting out bullet marks in front of the target. The old man had no idea how near he was to a future state. It was a red-letter day in the annals of the Haddington Volunteers when the Marquis of Tweeddale invited them to have a sham fight in the neighbourhood of Goblin Ha', famed through " Marmion." The com- mander, a burly citizen who had attained to high honours in the birth- place of John Knox, placed himself in front of his company and addressed them in martial strains. " When the bugle sounds the charge," he con- cluded, " follow me, my brave men." The bugle sounded, the charge was made for about thirty yards, when s COTCH the gallant leader, looking back to see how his men were advancing, fell into a ditch. The rank and file pursued their wild career, but two kind- hearted sergeants remained by their discomfited leader. " Oh, captain, I hope you are not mortally wounded," said one. " My breeks are wounded," said the officer on being pulled out of the ditch. " Duncan, hae ye a needle and thread? " Duncan, who was a tailor, had the necessaries; at any rate the unmentionables were patched up in some way, and the officer was sympathized with in being so unfortunate as to get wounded in the back, thereby suggesting that he had been disgracefully fleeing from the enemy. The old soldier was at one time a prominent personage in country dis- 28 COTCH JOA.ST/' tricts. One of the earliest stories I remember is of a veteran who touched his hat whenever he spoke to any- body. Some one checked him for this, remarking that he was a very poor man and unworthy of such honour. The reply of the old warrior was, " Am I to spoil my good manners for your d - poverty? " The old warriors were not always well educated. A veteran in the Crieff district, John M'Niven, was one of the advance companies, or forlorn hope, which entered Washington, of which only eleven survived to tell of their daring. When asked by one of his neighbours how he felt when marching to the town he answered, "I dinna ken; I was just there." John was religious and read his Bible 29 - 9 o SCOT CH lOAST/" on Sundays, spelling the difficult words, and giving pronunciations un- known in English dictionaries. He had several parts of a work entitled, " The Life of Christ," and one cf his lodgers had some parts of a work entitled, "The Scottish Chiefs," and both publications had similar covers. One Sunday his lodgers and a neigh- bour were talking of things worldly to such a degree that John thought fit to challenge their proceedings, and told them it would be wiser were they reading their Bibles, and if they would not do so he would read it himself. He took " The Scottish Chiefs," and commenced reading and spelling at a determined rate. After a little he got bewildered with an ad- venture connected with Wallace. His hearers could scarcely keep their grav- ity, but one ventured to ask who this Wallace was. He replied, " Ye micht ""*L>M*MM_ s COTCH lo AST/* ken that brawly, wi' yer education. He was one i' (of the) apostles." John once offered to put up a dyke " at a penny below the lowest offer." On another occasion the laird sent a servant asking John to make an offer. John, not being a ready writer, asked the servant to write out the offer. This the servant refused. " Well," said John, "just tell the laird that I'll put the dyke up for what he likes." When Tarn Black, another Crieff worthy, went to the Highlands to buy yarn he always was attired hi full regimentals, and if any one asked the reason the ready reply was, " Oh, a person's money is always safe under a red coat. No one would ever think of robbing a soldier." 3* : 9 o s COTCH lOAST/ Old Andrew Creach, Bower, was most unscrupulous in his dealings with those he did not like. He was very ready-witted. In a Thurso tavern he got into a discussion with a black- smith about sweating, and the son of Vulcan, having got the worst of the argument, said, " Andrew, come down to the back of the chapel and I'll put your soul ou' of your body in five minutes." " At leisure, at leisure," said Andrew, " they're no so easy putten thegither again." COTCH TOASTS TO WOMEN, LOVE, FRIENDSHIP, ETC. COTCH lOAST/ fl A cozy but, and a cantie ben To couthie women and trusty men An honest man may like a glass, An honest man may like a lass, But mean revenge, an' malice fause, He'll still disdain. P And fill them high with generous juice, As generous as your mind ; And pledge me in the generous toast " The whole of human kind ! " And here's to a' hi barley bree, Oursel's and a' the warld thegither, 35 s o /-/-VrrT/-?TT 1 /-% A C"T" r / g * COTCH 1OA8T/ To a' wha luve the kilted knee, Or bonnie lasses in the heather. And pray a' guid things may attend you! And the sands shall sing, And the round world ring, With my love and thy love for me. 3P And whilst we thus should make our sorrows one This happy harmony would make them none. 9 But truce with kings, and truce with constitutions, With bloody armaments and revolu- tions; 36 $j I ft COTCH IOA.ST/ Let Majesty your first attention sum- mon, Ah ca ira ! the Majesty of Woman ! I o ' But ye whom social pleasure charms, Whose hearts the tide of kindness warms, Who hold your being on the terms, " Each aid the others," Come to my bowl, come to my arms, My friends, my brothers ! Drink ye to her that each loves best. Fill me with the rosy wine, Call a toast, a toast divine, Give the poet's darling flame, Lovely ~ - be the name, 37 Then thou mayest freely boast Thou hast given a peerless toast. Farewell the glen sae bushy, ! Farewell the plain sae rushy, ! To other lands I now must go, To sing my Highland lassie, ! For a' that and a' that, It's coming yet for a' that That man to man the warld o'er Shall brithers be for a' that. For me, I'm woman's slave confessed Without her, hopeless and unblessed. For there's nae luck about the house, There's nae luck at a' ; 38 COTCH 1OA.ST/" There's little pleasure in the house When our gudeman's awa*. Go to your sculptur'd tombs, ye Great, In a' the tinsel trash o' state ! But by thy honest turf I'll wait, Thou Man of worth ! And weep the ae best fellow's fate E'er lay hi earth. 5f Here's a health to ane I lo'e dear, Here's a health to ane I lo'e dear; Thou art as sweet as the smile when fond lovers meet, And soft as their parting tear Jessy ! if Here's a bottle and an honest friend! What wad ye wish for mair, man? Wha kens, before his life may end, 39 g^-; SCOTCH TOAST/* *~~^ What his share may be of care, man? Then catch the moments as they fly, And use them as ye ought, man : Believe me, happiness is shy, And comes not aye when sought, man. Here's to him who winna' beguile ye. Here's a health to th3 ladies at hame, Here's a health to the ladies awa', And wha winna pledge wi' all their soul May they never be smiled on at a'. Here's health to the bright eyes at hame, Here's health to the bright eyes awa', 40 COTCH Here's health to the beauties of every clime, And may we be smiled on by a'. Here's to the friends we can trust When the storms of adversity blaw ; May they live in our song and be near- est our hearts Nor depart like the year that's awa'. Here's to the year that's awa', We'll drink it, in strong and in sma'; And here's to the bonnie young lassie in love While swift flies the year that's awa'. Here's to them that loe's us, or lends us a lif t. s COTCH lOAST/ Here's to woman she requires no eulogy she can speak for herself. Here's to you, as good as you are, And here's to me, as bad as I am; But as good as you are and as bad as I am I'm as good as you are, as bad as I am. Honest men and bonnie lassies. I hae been blythe wi' comrades dear; I hae been merry drinkin' ; I hae been joyfu' gath'ring gear; I hae been happy thinkin' ; But a' the pleasures e'er I saw, Tho' three times doubled fairly, That happy night was worth them a' Amang the rigs o' barley. r~r O COTCH It warms me, it charms me, To mention but her name, It heats me, it beats me, And sets me a' on flame. Jessie, the flower of Dumblane. if Mair friends and less need o' them. May the hand of charity wipe the tear from the eye of sorrow. if May the friends of our youth be the companions of our old age. May the honest heart never feel distress. 43 OAST/ May the hinges o' friendship never flw rust or the wings o' love lose a feather. May ne'er waur be amang us. May we a' be canty and cosy And ilk hae a wife in his bosy. Let's drink our drap o' barley bree, Though moon and stars should blink thegither, To each leal lad wi' kilted knee, And* bonnie lass amang the heather. May never wicked fortune touzle him ! May never wicked men bamboozle him! 44 iiM.iin,mn,,in /"'/'"VTVT'LT i/~"% A c^T*/* CO 1 CH 1U A.bJ./ 01; Until a pow as auld's Methusalem He canty claw! Then to the blessed New Jerusalem, Fleet whig awa 1 ! love ! love ! laddie. Love's like a dizziness ! It winna let a puir body Gang about his business. Should auld acquaintance be forgot, And never brought to min'? Should auld acquaintance be forgot, And days o' lang syne? Chorus For auld lang syne, my dear, For auld lang syne, We'll take a cup o' kindness yet For auld lang syne. 45 9 o s COTCH We twa hae run about the braes, And pu'd the gowans fine; But we've wander'd mony a weary foot Sin auld lang syne. For auld, etc. We twa hae paidl't i' the burn, From mornin' sun till dine ; But seas between us braid hae roar'd Sin auld lang syne. For auld, etc. And here's a hand, my trust fiere, And gie's a hand o' thine ; And we'll tak a right guid willie- waught, For auld lang syne. For auld, etc. And surely ye'll be your pint-stoup, And surely I'll be thine ; 46 COTCH ooi And we'll tak a cup o' kindness yet For auld lang syne. For auld, etc. The de'il rock them in a creel that does na' wish us a' weel. The Ingle neuk wi' routh o' ban- nocks and bairns. The social friendly honest man, Whae'er he be, 'Tis he fulfils great Nature's plan, And none but he. The Highland lads and Lowland lassies. 47 ;* O s COTCH lOAST/ The Lowland fare and the Highland lassies. Then fill a bowl, and while we drink We'll rivet closer friendship's link, Till joy rin o'er and care deep sink, Beneath the whirling wave o't. Till Hymen brought his love-delighted hour, W There dwelt no joy in Eden's rosy bower. To a' Scots lassies. 5f <5S To our next merry meeting. ** tS5> Thumping luck and fat weans. / TCH 1OAST/' , \o 9 i. To see her is to love her, And love but her for ever; For Nature made her what she is, And ne'er made sic anither! This is a good world to live in, To lend to spend or to give in, But to get or to borrow or keep what's one's own 'Tis the very worst world that ever was known. if To those who love us, second fill; But not to those whom we love: Lest we love those who love not us ! A third " to thee and me, Love ! " r While highlandmen hate tolls and taxes; 49 TCH While muirlan' herds Uke guid fat braxies ; While terra firma, on her axis Diurnal turns, Count on a friend, in faith an' prac- tice, In Robert Burns. While waters wimple to the sea ; While day blinks hi the lift sae hie ; Till clay-cauld death shall blin' my e'e, Ye shall be aye my dearie. Whilst we together jovial sit Careless, and crowned with mirth and wit, We'll think of all the friends we know And drink to all worth drinking to ! Q OCOTCH ^^ CONVIVIAL AND HUMOUROUS TOASTS AND SENTIMENTS 9 o SCOT CH 1OAST/ COTCH 1OA.ST/" A man when he's sober is deils ill to ken; Gude sooks than there's nae ken- ning o' him. But prime him wi' nappie, than ye mae gae ben And learn what he is for 'twill show him. V \ J A club of good fellows like those that are here And a bottle like this I most heartily cheer. 5? A ram's horn filled with usquebaugh. Here's to the chief whose heart is brave, 53 9 o S That merrily lives in the mountain cave And bides by greenwood law, Who scorns the weather, Whose bed's the heather, Fill high, fill high together. And let the careless moments roll In social pleasures unconfin'd And confidence that spurns control Unlock the inmost springs of mind. And now I have lived I know not how long. And still I can join in a cup or a song. Auld Scotland wants nae skulking ware That jaups in luggies; 54 But, if ye wish her gratefu' prayer, Gie her a Haggis ! 9 Be't whiskey gill, or penny wheep Or any stronger potion, It never fails, on drinking deep, To kittle up our notion By night or day. 9 Blythe, blythe, aroun' the nappy, Let us join in social glee ; While we're here we'll hae a drappy, Scotia's sons hae aye been free. Blythe may we a' be, 111 may we never see. Breeks and brochan (brose). 55 s COTCH By the gaily circling glass We can tell how minutes pass. By the hollow cask we're told How the waning night grows old. Comrades, you may pass the rosy. With permission of the Chair I shall leave you for a little, for I wish to take the air. Drink to-day, and drown all sorrow; You shall perhaps not do't to- morrow. Food fills thewame, an* keeps us livin'; Tho' life's a gift no worth receivin' When heavy dragged in pine and grievin' ; But oil'd by thee, 56 r^f COTCH o o The wheels o' life screivin, Wi' rattUn' glee. down-hill, r Fortune, if thou'lt but gie me still Hale breeks, a scone, an' whiskey gill, An' rowth o' rhyme to rave at will, Tak a' the rest, An' deal 't about as thy blind skill Directs thee best. r Freedom and whiskey gang thegither ! Take aff your dram ! Gae fill the three pint cup o' ale, The maul maun be above the meal, We hope your ale is stark and stout For men to drink the auld year out. 57 SCOTCH IOAST/ I Gie him strong drink, until he wink, That's shaking in despair; An' liquor guid to fire his bluid, That's prest wi' grief an' care ; There let him bouse, an' deep carouse, Wi' bumpers flowing o'er, Till he forgets his loves and debts, An' minds his griefs no more. Gude e'en to ye a' an' tak your nappy, A wully-waught's a good night cappy. > Here's to the place where a drap o* guid drink's to be gotten. Here's your fery good healths And tamm ta whiskey duty. 58 m S~* /""VTV^F T T I /""% A C* *T /"* COTCH 1OA.ST/ * In Vino Veritas ! which means A man's a very ass in liquor. The thief that slowly steals our brains Makes nothing but the temper quicker. 5f Inspiring, bold John Barleycorn, What dangers thou canst make us scorn. Lang may they bloom, as aye they've been The pride o' lang syne. Then fill the bicker reaming fu' Wi' Scotland's Highland wine, An' drink to a' whar're leel an' true, An' days o' lang syne. t Let other poets raise a fracas 'Bout vines, and wines, and druncken Bacchus, 59 S6 """ "^ /^/^ T r r /^t_F Ir^lAQTV COTCH lUAoj/ And crabbit names and stories wrack us, An' grate our lug, I sing the juice Scotch barley can make us, In glass or jug. ^H Let Pride in Fortune's chariots fly, Sae em Pty vain and v S ie 5 The source of wit, the spring of joy, Lies in the social coggie. Then revere the coggie, sirs ! The poor man's patron coggie ! It warsels care, it fights life's faughts And lif ts him frae the boggie. i, i? Lees me wi' drink. It gives us mair than either school or college, 60 W^fr'' IMS mm^J COTCH 1OA.ST/I It wakens wit, it kindles lear An' primes us f ou o' knowledge. May the pleasures of the evening bear the reflections of the morning. May love and whiskey both Rejoice an honest fellow, May the unripe joys of life Love and whiskey mellow. May ye never ken a fiddler's drouth. May we have preed an' cheese like Pen Nevis, an* whiskey like Loch Lomond and a pig dyke 'tween us an' the Tevil. 61 fi^ S-p=p=r~ COTCH lOASl/' May we never be wearing lug warmers when we are offered a drink of whiskey. r May we ne'er want a friend or a drappie to gie him. Now fill your glasses ane an' a' And drink the toast I gie ye, O, " To merry chiels and lasses braw, And every joy be wi' ye, 0." Fair fa' the whiskey, 0, Fair fa' the whiskey, 0, What wad a drouthy body do, If 'twere nae for the whiskey, 0? gie me the times when the ploys were hi vogue An' the cake an' the kebbuck gaed down wi' the cogue. 62 guid ale comes and guid ale goes, Guid ale gars me sell my hose, Sell my hose and pawn my shoon, Guid ale keeps my heart a bo on. thou my muse ! guid auld Scotch drink! There's nought so sweet in this poor life As knittin' soul to soul ; And what maist close may bind that knot? The glass and bowl ! The glass and bowl, my boys, The glass and bowl; So let us call, for this is out, Anither bowl. We never dabbled in the burn, Nor pull'd the gowan droll, 63 s COTCH lOAST/ But often has the sun's return Surprised our bowl. Chorus Our glass and bowl, etc. And aft did we the merry catch And cheering ditty troll, And hooted mony a whiggish wretch About the bowl. Chorus Our glass and bowl, etc. And, therefore, hill betwixt may rise, And though ocean water roll, Yet we'll ne'er forget the lads who met About the bowl. Chorus Our glass and bowl, etc. And when yer poet's dead and gane, And laid beneath the moul, Let those who sung his memory, drink About the bowl. Chorus Our glass and bowl, etc. 64 O 13 Our heads cool, our feet warm. And a glass of good liquor to do us no harm. Peat whiskey hot Tempered with well boiled water, These make the long night shorter. Scotch whiskey and Scotch cakes. See the smoking bowl before us, Mark our jovial ragged ring ; Round and round take up the chorus, And hi raptures let us sing. Some hae meat and canna' eat, And some wad eat who want it; But we hae meat and we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit. s COTCH iOAST/ Strong ale was ablution, Small beer persecution, A dram was memento mori ; But a full flowing bowl Was the saving his soul, And port was celestial glory. The grace is said : it's nae o'wer lang ; The claret reams in bells. Quo, Deacon, " Let the toast round gang, Come, here's our noble sels', Weel met the day." The Highlandman's bauld, the High- landman's free, His arm is strong and his heart is true : What gives the Highlandman courage and glee? What but the drops of his mountain dew. 66 I 1OCOTCH 1OA.ST/ The juice of the grape is given to him who will use it wisely, As that which cheers the heart of men after toil, Refreshes him in sickness, and com- forts him hi sorrow. He who enjoyeth it may thank God for his wine cup as for his daily bread. And he who abuses the gift of heaven is not a greater fool than thou hi thine abstinence. The sweets of Life Mirth, Music, Love, and Wine. Life's a bumper filled by fate, Let us guests enjoy the treat, Nor, like silly mortals, pass Life as 'twere but half a glass; Let this scene with joy be crown'd, Let the glee and catch go round I 67 o o s COTCH 1OAST/' m All the sweets of life combine, Mirth, music, love and wine. Then fill up a bumper, and make it o'erflow, And honours masonic prepare for to throw; May every true brother of the compass and square Have a big-bellied bottle when har- ass'd with care. Then here's to ilka kindly Scot : Wi' mony good broths he boils his pot, But rare hotch potch beats a' the lot, It smells so brawly. For there's carrots intill't and neaps intiU't, There's peas and beans and beets intill't, The hearty wholesome meats intill't That stick the kite sae brawly. 68 Then let us toast John Barleycorn, Each man a glass in hand ; And may his great posterity Ne'er fail in old Scotland ! 5f Then sip the dew, and cheerful sing, And loud the bagpipes play, man, And gae the very welkin ring Wi' blithe St. Andrew's Day, man. There's death in the cup sae beware ! Nay, more there is danger in touch- ing; But wha can resist the fell snare? The man and his wine's sae bewitching. To sum up all, be merry, I advise ; And as we're merry, may we still be wise. 69 "7S ltf ^ SCOTCH {OAST/ To the three things necessary to the happiness of a Scotchman First, the sneeshin' (snuff), second the whiskey, third, more whiskey. To whiskey o'er a' the ills o' life victorious. We arena f ou, we're nae that f ou, But just a drappie in our ee ; The cock may craw, the day may daw, And aye we'll taste the barley bree. > We hae a' kinds o' whisky, fre Glen- livet sae clear, That ne'er gaes a headache to the five bawbee gear; We hae Gin, Rum, Shrub, and ither neck-rackets 70 /^"^ ^ TCH lOAST/* For them whan the clear stuff their brain sets in rackets We hae fine Yill frae Peebles, an' Porter frae Lonnon Ginger beer frae the toon, an' Sma' brisk an' foaming; We hae Teas, Bread an' Cheese, alias Welsh Rabbits; Ham, Eggs an' Red Herrings for wairsh tasted gabbets. If at ony time aught else should be wanted We'll raither send for 't than see freen's disappointed. We meet to be merry, then let us part wise Nor suffer the bottle to blind reason's eyes. 71 s f~* /"VTV* T I f~\ A CT COTCH 1OA5 Wi' tippeny, we fear nae evil ; Wi' usquebae, we'll face the devil ! Now for the Doch an' Doris. r|i""i"iiiiuina,,,, M i COTCHlOAST/ SOME AFTER DINNER STORIES frl The source o* joy below, The antidote to woe, And the only proper go, Is drinking drams. So sang George Outram. The barley bree is peculiarly national, and is responsible for an extraordinary amount of wit and humour. Of course there are the tragic and the pathetic sides. But, as is related else- where, " A kirk withoot a hell's just no worth a d docken." If there had been less harm there would have been less fun in whisky. When could lemonade make a man " Glo- rious, o'er a' the ills o' life victorious ! " What a pathetic little scene is that of Hawkie, the well-known Glasgow " character," as he himself describes it. " Wearied out, I lay down at the roadside to rest me, an' a' the laddies were saying as they passed, ' Haw- 75 q o s kie's drunk,' an' vext was I that it wasna true." ^> " Was ye ever drunk, sir," inquired a Perthshire blacksmith of the Free Church minister who was remon- strating with him for excessive indul- gence. " No, Donald," said the minis- ter, " I am glad to say I never was." " I thocht as muckle," said the smith; " for man, if ye was ance richt drunk, ye wad never like to be sober a' your days again." A Perthshire village tradesman got on the " batter " and did not return home until after the lapse of several days. His wife met him in the door with the question, " Whaur hae ye been a' this tune? " " Perth," was the sententious reply. "Perth!" 76 echoed the wife. " An' what was ye doin' sae lang in Perth? Nae mortal man could be doin' gude stayin' in Perth for three hale days on end." " Awa ! an' no haiver, woman," was the dry reply, " plenty o' fouk stay a' their days in Perth an' do brawly." " There's death in the cup ! " ex- claimed a violent teetotal lecturer as he rushed up to where an old farmer was carefully toning his dram with water from a huge decanter. More of the pura had flowed forth than was intended, and eyeing his glass critically, " Hech, an' I think ye're richt, freend," was the response, " for I've droon'd the miller." Here is a peculiar form of " drunk." The grandfather of the author of 77 S " Oor Ain Folk " sent his man Donald to dispose of a skep of bees at Edzell market. The seductions of the fair, etc., were too much for Donald, who arrived home nearly " blin' fou " and could only give a long, rambling rigmarole of the most imaginative character about the lost siller. Seeing clearly, however, what had happened, the old minister in great irritation cut him short with the following outburst of broadest vernacular: " Hoots! ye leein' sumph, ye've drucken the haill hypothec; I can hear the vera bees bizzen i' yer wame ! " Johnnie Baxter, of Montrose, was ordered by the doctor to give his wife some whisky. Shortly afterwards the doctor called again, and, being rather dubious of Johnnie's moral 78 COTCtFToAST/ W o 01, p 9 '4 rectitude when whisky was in ques- tion, asked him point blank, " Weel, Johnnie, did ye get yer wife the stimulant I ordered?", " Ou ay," said Johnnie with a hiccough, " I got the steemulant." " Ay, but did ye administer it? " Then Johnnie, with a fine outburst of drunken candour, said : " Weel, as fac's deith, doctor, I got the whusky for her, but ye see ye tell't me she couldna last till mornin', and that naethin' would dae her ony guid, so I jist thocht it's a peety tae waste guid whusky, and so, doctor " (this with a sigh), " I jist took the drappie masel' ; " but he hastened to add, seeing a look of strong disgust on the doctor's face, " I gied her the hooch o't." For the pure " peat reek " one must go away to the far north. There 79 whisky was a " mercy," something sent by an all-wise Providence to comfort the sons of men in all their troubles. Old Andrew Creach, of Caithness, was the reverse of a bigoted teetotaler. A shepherd ac- cused him of being drunk, and quoted Scripture to the effect that no drunkard should inherit the Kingdom of God. Andrew retorted, " Ye know nothing about it, shir ; what does the Scripture say? ' Whosoever will, let him take the water of life freely.' That's the Gospel call, and I tell ye, shir, I hope I'll go singing fu' ower Jordan." A hard-working weaver had a less Scriptural explanation. Recognizing that the only social relaxation he could possibly enjoy was when he met his cronies to interchange ideas 80 fV ' over a tumbler of toddy, and on being reproached by his good minister for having allowed himself to be over- come by the seductions of the potent national spirit, he said, as the minister expressed his astonishment that he would allow his love for whisky to overcome the better part of his nature : " Ah, meenister, it's no the whisky, it's the ' here's t'ye ' that dis a' the mischief." There is an old story of one man coming into a public-house and ask- ing for a glass of whisky because he was hot, another asking for one because he was cold, and a third because he liked it. A young countryman went a con- siderable distance to pay a visit to his 81 O s COTCH OAST/' uncle and aunt and cousins, who were reputed a family of strict teetotalers. During his first meal at his kinsman's table the young man commented on the absence of spirituous liquors. " We're a' temperance folk here, ye ken," interrupted the old man. " No spirituous liquors are allowed to enter this house." After dinner the old man went upstairs to take his cus- tomary " forty winks," the girls started off to Sunday School, and the boys lounged away to smoke in the stable. As soon as Aunt Petty found herself alone hi the kitchen she put her fore finger to her lips, to enjoin silence on the part of her youthful nephew, and going to a dark nook in the pantry, she drew therefrom a little black bottle, and fillirg a glass, held it cut to him and said, " Here, John, tak' a taste o' that. Our gudeman's sic a strict teetotaler that 82 s COTCH IOA.ST/ m ** I daurna let him ken that I keep a wee drap in the hoose just for medicine. So dinna mention it." A few minutes later the old man cried from the stairhead, " Are you there, John? " The nephew went upstairs, when the head of the house took him to his own bedroom, where he promptly produced a gallon-jar of whisky from an old portmanteau under the bed, and, pouring out a hearty dram, said : " Teetotalin' doesna prevent me frae keepin' a wee drap o' the ' rale peat reek' in case o' illness or that; so here, lad, put ye that in yer cheek; but (confidentially) not a word aboot it to your auntie, or the laddies." Strolling out of doors after this second surprise, and entering the stable, the cousins beckoned their relative into the barn, where after fumbling among the straw for a few seconds, they handed him a black 83 9 o s bottle, with the encouraging " Tak' a sook o' that, cousin, ye'll find it's gude; but not a word to the old fouks, mind, for twa mair infatuated teetotalers were never born." Such things happen also in the State of Maine they say. [Ed. John and Betty M'Dougal went to a temperance lecture and signed the pledge. On their way home they bought a bottle of whisky to have hi the house hi case of illness " medicine," they called it. About a week after John complained of not feeling well, and said, " Betty, wuman, I'm no weel; I've a terrible sair stamach. Fetch the medicine; quick, wuman, quick." Betty brought the bottle and held it up to the light, and said, " I wush, John, there may . be a gless in it, for I've had a terrible sair stamach mysel' every day this week ! " -$ Three drovers in a roadside inn met and celebrated in whiskey. There was but one glass and that with no foot to it. One after the other they filled and refilled it, one of them saying gravely each time it came to his turn, " I think we wadna be the waur of some water," but he never used any. It was a Scotchman who said that porter was a wholesome beverage if you did not drink more than a dozen bottles! V ^ft&3 Ifel It may have been the same man who observed, " Na, na, I never knew ony- s COTCH body killed wi' drinking; but I hae iwm kenned some that deed in the training." * J " Bend well to the Madeira at dinner, for here you'll get little o't after," was the advice given to a fellow guest at the table of a friend the latter was visiting for the first time. A stag party below stairs broke up late, or rather early in the morning. The wife, who was thrifty, could not sleep for the thought of the quantity of whiskey that must have been con- sumed. She eagerly called down the stairs to the maid, "How many bottles of whiskey have they used, Betty?" The girl, who had not to pay for the whiskey but who had to fetch water from the well, replied, "I dinna ken, 86 /T OCOTCH mem, but they've drunken sax gang o' watter." When men used to drink till they fell under the table, one of a party who did not wish to go to excess followed the example of some and slid to the floor; presently he felt a small pair of hands about his throat. On asking what he was doing there came the reply, " Sir, I'm the lad to lowse the neckties." COTCH lOAST/ 1 MISCELLANEOUS TOASTS AND SENTIMENTS COTCH lOAST/ A chiel's amang ye takin' notes and, faith, he'll prent it ! A garland for the hero's crest And twined by her whom he loves best. u> And here's to a' wha drink this night, And here's to them that's far awa', And muckle joy and pure delight. And so suppose now, while the things go away, By way of a grace we all stand up and say How pleasant it is to have money, heigh ho, How pleasant it is to have money ! t And there in soul sunshine, shall bloom evermore The mem'ry of Burns, the bard of the Poor. Auld Lang Syne. Barley rigs; may we experience a few of Burns' happy nights among them. Dinna' forget. God loves man when he refrains from sin, The De'il loves man when he persists therein, 92 TCH lOAST/ The world loves man, when riches on him flow, And you'd love me could I pay what I owe. Gude nicht, and joy be wi' you a'. Gude Nicht. Health to the man, death to the fish, and good growth to all in the ground. Here's to him that has the right And yet received the wrang, Has five shillings in his pouch And yet he wants a crown. Here's to him that's out And no to him that pits him out, 93 o o s COTCH And de'il turn all their insides out That doesna drink this toast about. Happy's the man that belongs to nae party But sits in his ain house and looks at Benarty. Here's health to the sick, stilts to the lame, claise to the back and brose to the wame. Here's health, wealth, wit and meal. F^. V * Here's to a' your fouk an' a' our fouk, an' a' the fouk that's been kind to your fouk an' our fouk; an' if a' fouk had aye been as kind to fouk as your fouk's been to our fouk, there 94 COTCH lO/VST/' wad aye hae been guid fouk i' the warld sin fouks bin fouks. Here's to horn, corn, wool and yarn. 1 W In politics if thou would'st mix, And mean thy fortunes be ; Bear this in mind, be deaf and blind, Let great folks hear and see. r sense and mair siller. May every Scotchman be fed with crowdy-mowdy, lang-kail, and ranty- tanty. r May liberty meet wi' success ! May prudence protect her frae evil ! 95 * 5 o s COTCH May tyrants and tyranny tine in the sf . t , mist And wander their way to the devil. May poortith never throw us in the dirt, or gowd into the high saddle. May the mouse ne'er leave our meal pock with the tear hi his ee. May the winds o' adversity never ( blaw open our door. May want, discontent and turbulence cease, May men live thegither hi concord and peace, 96 * COTCH lOA.ST/'!! May Scotland aye yield a rich crop an' 'jffil fleece il 1 To keep our hands full wi' the spin- VI in' o't. Nae treasures, nor pleasures, Could mak' us happy lang; The heart aye's the part aye, That make's us right or wrang. - Of all the arts beneath the heaven That man has found or God has given, None draws the soul so sweet away As Music's melting mystic lay. 0' a' roads to pleasure that ever were tried There's nane half so sure as our ain fireside. 97 s COTCH lOAST/ wad some pow'r the giftie gie us, To see oursels as others see us ! It wad frae mony a blunder free us. Success for aye to the guid auld game, To the grand old game of the gowff . To horny hands and weather-beaten haffets (cheeks). y > To the rending o' rocks and the pu'in' doun o' auld houses. The anniversary of St. Andrew's Day and all its convivial meetings. r The Duke of Argyll and the Camp- bell clan. 98 f SCOTCH IOA.ST/" Let the waiter bring clean glasses, With a fresh supply of wine For I see by all your faces, In my wishes you will join. It is not the charms of beauty, Which I purpose to explain, We awhile will leave that duty, For a more prevailing theme. To the health I'm now proposing, Let's have one full glass at least, No one here can think' t imposing 'Tis " The Founder of the Feast ! " 5T The Highland fling : may it ever cast care away. if The nobles of Caledonia and their ladies. 99 9 o s f~* /"VT* /" T T COTCH The poet of chivalry, Sir Walter Scott. The Scotch bagpipe but not the Scotch fiddle. The Scotch Greys: that made the Eagles look black. r The Scotchman's proverb: Get a good price but give good measure. The three great generals General Peace, General Plenty and General Satisfaction. t Then dormy hame we can sing through the round And die like golfers keen. 100 We've played fu' w r ell the short game and lang, The game on the golfing green. 5f Then gently scan your brother man, Still gentler sister woman; Tho' they may gang a tennin wrang, To step aside is human, Then at the balance let's te rrute, We never can adjust it; What's done we partly may compute, But know not what's resisted. 5f " To each and all a fair good night, And pleasing dreams and slumbers bright." J To Edinburgh the penniless lass wi' the lang pedigree. 101 o o s COTCH 1OAST/' To Burns Touched by his hand, the wayside weed Becomes a flower; the lowest reed Beside the stream Is clothed with beauty; gorse and grass And heather, where his footsteps pass The brighter seem. Ml To Burns For now he haunts his native land As an immortal youth; his hand Guides every plough : He sits beside each ingle-nook; His voice is in each rushing brook Each rustling bough. To the memory of Sir Ralph Aber- cromby, and may the laurels which Scotland gained when he fell bloom to 102 IOCOTCH IQA.ST/' the latest ages untarnished by any of her future warriors. To the memory of Robert Bruce. 5T To the Shakespeare of novelists, Sir Walter Scott. Up wi' my ploughman, lad, And hey my merry ploughman, Of a' the trades that I do ken Commend me to the ploughman. 5f When driving ceases, may we still be able To play the shorts, putt and be com- fortable. 103 9 o ^ - - if ^ ' " R O COTCH lOAST/* Yonder's the moon, I ken her horn, She's blinkin' in the lift sae hie ; She shines fu' bright to wyle us hame, But by my sooth she'll wait a wee ! 3J^^ 1 104 p. COTCH SCOTTISH TOASTS A MISCELLANY COTCH lOAST/ ' r~^ OCOTCH Most folks give their sentiments after their song, But I cannot say that is my teacher; To part heart and harmony sure must be wrong, Song and Sentiment I join together : So at once in a Song I'll my Sentiments give, Sure you'll all approve what I am giving " Here's our noble selves, and long may we live, With dear Scotland, the land that we lived in." Then here's " Lovely Woman ! " each man will drink that, For in each care and ill she'll re- lieve him; " Sweet home," for though homely, 'tis home for all that, 107 to o s COTCH With " a friend and a bottle to give him." Here's " may honour and honesty never decline," 'Tis the wish of my heart, I assure ye; " May justice and mercy for ever entwine," With our glorious " Trial by Jury." May the moment now present, of life be the worst, May the honest heart ne'er know distress, May we have in our arms what in heart we love best, All those that bless us may we bless. " A good trade and well paid " which ensures " peace and plenty; " " Honest men, pretty women " for ever! " Playhouses full, and Workhouses empty," 108 1 I COTCH IOA.ST/ And " may worth and want finally sever." " Here's the heart that can feel for another's distress," And " the man that was never un- grateful; " Here's " may we the smiles of good humour possess, With friends around, cheerful and faithful." Here's " our own wooden walls," that still lay our foes flat, With those treasures, wives, chil- dren, and friends, " Here's our own noble selves," and now having drank that, Here my Song of good Sentiment ends. THE END. 109 COTCH lOAST/* r^f OCOTCH lOAST/ ^ i* 1 ^ 2 :, COTCH lOAST/' OCQTCH A 000 711 674 2 Ml !)'