J.CD. LIBRARY TALES AND NOVELS PUBLISHED BY HARPER & BROTHERS, NEW-YORK. The TALES, NOVELS, &c. OF MARIA EDGE- WORTH. New and Com plete Edition. Illustrated with Elegant Engravings on Steed in a series of Ten Volumes. 12mo. Either of which may be had separately. VOL. I. contains Castle Rackrent Essay on Irish Bulls Essay on Self- Justification The Prussian Vase Forester The Good Aunt. VOL. II. contains Angelina The Good French Governess Mademoi selle Panache The Knapsack Lame Jervas The Will Out of Debt out of Danger The Limerick Gloves The Lottery Rosanna. VOL. III. contains Murad the Un- tucky The Manufacturers Ennui The Contrast The Grateful Negro To-Morrow The Dun. VOL,. IV. contains Manoeuvring Almira Vivian. VOL. V. contains The Absentee Madame de Fleury Emily de Cou- langes The Modern Gnselda. VOL. VI. contains Belinda. VOL. VII. contains Leonora Let ters on Female Education Patron age. VOL. VIII. contains the Remain der of Patronage Comic Dramas. VOL. IX. contains Harrington Thoughts on Bores Ormond. VOL. X. contains Helen. TALES OF GLAUBER- SPA. In 2 vols. 12mo. Contents Le Bossu, by Miss SKDQWICK; Childe Roeliffe's Pil grimage, and Sclim, by .1. K. PAPLD- ING, Esq. ; The Skeleton's Cave, and Medfield, by W. C. BRYANT, Esq ; The Block House, by WILLIAM LEU- OKTT, Esq. : The Introduction, Mr. Green, and Boyuca, l>y the late R. C. THE CLUB-BOOK. In * vols. 12mo. Contents- Bertrand de la Crolx, by G. P. R. JAMKS; Iladad ben Ahad, The Fatal Whisper, The Painter, The Unguarded Hour, The Book of Life. by JOHN GALT; The Gipsy of the Abruzzo, by TYKONK POWEII ; Esien- bach, The Deer-Stalkers of Glenski- ach, The Three Kearneys, by ANDRK w PICKKN; The Sleepless Woman, by WILLIAM JKRDAN; Dramatic Scenes, by Lord F. L. GOWKR ; Gowden Gib- bie, by ALLAN CUNNINGHAM; The Bridal of Borthwick, by D. M. MOIR ; The Laidlaws and the Scotts, The Bogle o' the Brae, by THK ETTRICJC SHEPHERD ; The Cheaterie Packman, by LEITCJH RITCHIE. By JAMES K. PAULDTNG, Esq. THE DUTCHMAN'S FIRESIDE. In 2 vols. 12mo WESTWARD HO ! In 2 vols. 12mo. SALMAGUNDI; or, th Whim-whams and Opinions of LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, Esq. and Others. New Edition, Revised and corrected by the Authors. In 2 vols. 12mo. KONINGSMARKE ; or Old Times in the New World. In 2 vols. 12mo. The Publishers have in press a New Edition of Mr. Pauld- ing's Works ; of which the above will form a part. LAWRIE TODD; or, the Settlers in the Wooda. By J. GALT, Esq. In 2 vols 12mo. SOUTHENNAN. By J. GALT, Esq. In 2 vols. 12mo. Navels Published by Harper y the recent investigations of John and Richard Lander. The plan of the work consists of condensed abstracts of the narrative* of all the modern African travellers, in w5,:.:!; every thine important or interesting is pre served, while the unessential details have been o abbreviated as to bring the substance of each ccount within convenient limits. NARRATIVE OF DIS COVERY AND ADVEN TURE IN THE POLAR SEA SAND REGIONS. With fllustrations of their Climate, Geology, and Natural History, and an Account of the Whale- Fishery. By Professors LES- IE and JAMESON, and HUGH MURRAY, Esq. 18mo. Maps,&c. No person's education can be considered com rtain degree of attention to ent improvements and discoverie* anch of science. In none have the present entury, than in geography and the knowledge >f the earth which we inhabit ; the Polar Sea* nd Regions havfi been most fertile in result* hroiigh the enterprise and perseverance of a loss, a Franklin, and a Parry, and this work, n which their investigations are described, is ne of most interesting and instructive character. jlete without he most n every branch greater advances been made, PALESTINE, OR THE HOLY LAND. From the Earliest Period to the Present Time. By the Rev. M. Rus- ELL, LL.D. 18mo. With a Vlap and Engravings. 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The recent unsuccessful -effort of the gallant and unfortunate Foles to break their yoke of bondage has fixed the attention and awakened the sympathies of every lover of freedom and every friend to humanity. The writer of this history has brought to his undertaking much learning, great industry and patience in re- teareh, and the most unbiassed candour The volume is full of interest and useful informa tion, drawn from an immense variety of sources, soany of which are not accessible to the maw of readers, particularly in America. FESTIVALS, GAMES, AND AMUSEMENTS. An cient and Modern. By HORA TIO SMITH, Esq. 18mo. With Additions, by SAMUEL WOOD- WORTH, Esq., of New- York. " Laws, institutions, empires pass away and are forgotten, but the diversipas of a people, being commoHiy interwoven with some immu table element of the general feeling, or perpetu ated by circumstances of climate and locality, Trill frequently survive when every other na. tional peculiarity 'has worn itself out and fallen into oblivion." This extract shows the spirit in which this captivating volume was de signed, and its pretensions to utility. The in formation unbodied in its pages is curious and extensive, and not the least attractive portion is the account of the amusements, *e. peculiar to Uffersot sections of ft* United Statss, add*d by Mr. Woodwortk. HISTORY OF THE BI BLE. By the Rev. G. H. GLEIG. In 2 vols. 18m0. With a Map of Palestine. These volumes do not, as from fhe till* ons) might imagine, contain merelj n account of the origin and contents of the Sacred Volume^ the object of the writer h.is extended far be yond this. He has produced, perhaps, th most elaborate and able examination of the va rious objections urged . asainst the Scripture* thai has ever been written ; nd, at the sama time, one of the clearest and most satisfactory expositionsof the whole Bible, not only as tha foundation of our faith, but alo as a hi*tr.ry. In I he performance of his task, Mr. Gleig hM exhibited equal piety and learning, and hn work is calculated to facilitate to a remarkable degree both the comprehension and enjoyment %Ji the ' writings. HISTORICAL AND DE SCRIPTIVE ACCOUNT OF BRITISH INDIA; from th most Remote Period to the Present Time. Including a Narrative of the early Portu guese and English Voyages, the Revolutions in the Mogul Em pire, and the Origin, Progress, and Establishment of the'Brit- ish Power ; with Illustrations of the Zoology, Botany, Cli mate, Geology, and Mineral ogy By HUGH MURRAY, Esq., JAMES WILSON, Esq., R. K. GREVILLE, LL.D., WHITELAW AINSLIE, M.D., WM. RH.NB, Esq., Prof.JAMEsoN, Prof. WAL LACE, and Captain CLARF.NCB DALRYMPLE. In 3 vols. 18mo. With a Map and Engravings. A history of India in a convenient form, and in an easy and familiar style, has long been COB sidered a desideratum. This work commence* with the early annals of the Hindoos, traces th* progress and decline of the Mohammeda power, and brings the history of the British Jo- minion in India down to the time of the permit- nent establishment of tlie India Company and the foundation of that stupendous empire. It is divided invo departments comprising the his- tory, literature, arts, and manneis of the Hin doos, and a description of the country, its cli mate, soil, diseases, productions, and natural features ; these department* have been cons*, mitted to distinct writers of eminsnc .. and fuliy qualified to treat of them with distinguish*! ability, and the result has been tl-e product!** of a body of accurate and complete informatio* orb a* is not to be found collected in aBf *T Works Published ty Harper $ Brother*. SACRED HISTORY OF THE WORLD, as displayed in the Creation and subsequent Events to the Deluge. _ At tempted to be philosophically considered, in a Series of Let ters to a Son. By SHARON TURNER, F.S.A. 18rno. To exhibit the Divine Mind in connexion with the production and preservation, and wrtn the la ws and agencies of visible nature, and to lead the inquirer to perceive the clear and urn- Tenal distinction which prevail* between the material and immaterial substance* in our world, both in their phenomena aud their prin ciple* is the main object of this admirable vol- me. In it religious and scientific instruction are skillully and strikingly blended, and fact* and principles are so made to illustrate each the? that the mind and heart are equally im proved by its perusal, and the cause of science H, as it were, identified with that of religion. The information contained in it chiefly relates to Natural History, and it is extremely copious, accurate, and interesting, while the reflections are eminent for their dept% w'mJoin, and piety. HISTORY OF IRELAND. From the Anglo-Norman Inva sion till the Union of the Coun try with Great Britain. By W. C. TAYLOR, Esq. With Ad ditions. By WIILLI AM- SAMP SON, Esq. In 2 vols. 18mo. With Engravings. Before its republication, this work was ub- tiUed for examination to several gentlemen resident in New -York, natives, or the descend ants of natives, of the country whose history il contains, and distinguished for their attachment to tLa unhappy land to which they trace ther origin, and (or their talents and acquirements. Their opinion was unanimous, and highly favourable, and each of them expressed in tron terms the pleasure it would afford him to e* republisheu in the United States a work so fair, so copious, and so accurate. The public al large has confirmed their sentence, and stamped this history with the seal of approbation. The value of the history as originally published has been greatly enhanced by the additions of Wil liam Sampson, Esq., whose reputation is too well known in the country of his adoption to require eulogy. Esq. With Descriptive Sketch-' es of the Natural History of the North American Regions. By Professor WILSON. 18mo. With a Map and Engravings Among themort remarkable occurrence* of the nineteenth century are the various expedi tions of discovery to the northern coasts of th western continent, so important, although nol perfectly satisfactory in their results. In nc other portion of the earth's surface has the navi gator to contend with such formidable difficul ties, and in none does he behold so peculiar an aspect of nature, it follows, therefore, of course, that expeditions to no other part of the world furnish to the historian such ample and interesting materials. The present volume ex hibits a full and accwafe view of all that is im portant in modern knowledge of the most re mote territories of North America, and may DO considered as forming a sequel to the " Polar Sea. and Regions," and as furnishing all that was wanting to a complete account of the wholo series of northern discoveries by land and 1 water. HISTORICAL VIEW OF THE PROGRESS OF DIS COVERY ON THE MORE NORTHERN COASTS OF NORTH AMERICA. From the Earliest Period to the Pres- nt Tjm, By P. F. TYTUR, HISTORY OF CHARLE MAGNE. To which is pre fixed an Introduction, compris ing the History of France from the Earliest Period to the Birth of Charlemagne. By G. P. R. JAMES, Esq. 18mo. With a Portrait. The age of Charlemagne may be considered as the period to which the origin of most of the nations of Europe, as they at present exist, can alone be traced with sufficient certainty, be yond this epoch, tke researches of the historian are often fated to end in disappointment and obscurity. In tracing the fortunes of the seve ral powers into which that continent is divided, from the earliest attainable facts to the present time, it is indispensable that the inquirer should possess a clear and accurate understanding of the actual state as well of France as of the sur rounding countries, at the period when, by the successes and achievement* of that remarkable monarch, his kingdom be.-ame the dominant power of the European continent. Until the appearance of Mr. James's History, this, clear and accurate understanding was of exceedingly difficult attainment, the materials from which it was to be drawn were scattered through va rious historical works, and all the labour of arrangement, condensation, and comparison wat to be performed by the student himself. Such is no longer the case, light has been shed upon tfce darkness of that remote age, and the world of Science is indebted to Mr. James for tha means of readily acquiring a complete and sat isfactory knowledge in all its details, of the first great epoch in European history. In the nu merous commendations of this work that "have appeared in the Reviews and periodicals both of England and the United States, the hipeared since the publication of the great ork of Sir Walter Scott, from which a large onion of his materials was derived. As a* vidence of the amazhig popularity of ihis Hit- 317, it it stated that more than 27000 copies of have been dispose* of in Great Works Published by Harptr % Brother*. THE LIFE OF NELSON By ROBERT SOUTHEY, LL.D 18mo. With a Portrait. This Biography has been pronounced one of the Laureate's most successful efforts, the en tbusiastic and romantic character of Nelso: furnished t congenial subject, and he has treate it with consummate ability. The errors of th fortunate and gallant admiral re fairly and fearlessly exposed, while the nobler elements of his mind, his heroic courage, his perseve rance, and his insatiable appetite for glory, as well as the great actions in which thoy are dis- flayed, are described and illustrated with a kappy choici of language and most felicitous THE LIFE OF FREDE RIC THE SECOND, King of Prussia. By LORD DOV&R. tn 2 vols. 18mo. With a Por- rait. Frederic II. lived in an ape among the most Bsmarkable i n the annals of the world. He was eoe of those men who constitute an epoch,. who, by their paramount influence upou the events of a particular period, impress it, in a degree, with characteristics resulting from their own peculiar seutknenis. habits, and proceed ings, who may be considered monuments on the road of ages to designate cer'aiu divisions ef time. But, apart from the character of Fred eric, the gre.t incidents in the midst of which be lived and moved, and in which be was a prominent actor, render this piriod of European ftistorv one of the most interesting and impo tent, and it has been ably delineated by the modern historian of the Prussian monarch. Lord Dover has Ion? been favourably known as tie Hon. Mr. Ellis, and his Life of Frederic hat much enhanced h>s reputation. It is hon ourable to him, considering the irreligious eharacter of Frederic, that he has nowhere rendered vice attractive, and that his pages are udinusly guarded from the slightest contami nation of infidelity. THE LIFE AND AC TIONS OF ALEXANDER THE GREAT. By Rev. J. WILLIAMS. 18mo. With a Map. Tb.it volume fills a blank in the historical library, and furnishes an excellent manual for the itudent. It is not con&neu to the mere ex ploits and adventures of the Macedonian hero, although they constitute the leading topic, but Contains a masterly view of the times in which 1-e lived, and of the manners, arts, and sciences of the Greeks. Persians. Egyptians, Arabs, and Iiuiians, and other nations whom he visited or conquered. The story it well and elegantly told, and conveys a more distinct and accurate idea of the ancient Napoleon than is to be found is any other history. In the perusal, the cttri- wi'.y of the reader ii gratified as well at stimu lated, and bis mUid n tooted to profitable re- LIFE AND TIMES Of GEORGE THE FOURTH With Anecdotes of Distin guished Persons of the las! Fifty Years. By Rev. GEORS* CROLY. I8mo. The regency and reign of this monarch oeev. pied one of the most eventful and interesting periods of English history, not only from tb magnitude and importance of their political oc currences, but also from the rast improvements ia science and the arts by which they were dis tinguished, and the number of eminent individ uals who flourished at thia epoch. The charac ter of George himself was not the least remark- able among those of the principal personage* of the time, and it has been handled by Mr. Croljr with a just and fearless, but not uncharitable. spirit. His perceptions are close, keen, and ac curate, and his language singularly terse ami energetic. His work will be of the highe LIFE OF SIR ISAAC NEWTON. By Sir DAVID BREWSTER, K. B., LL. D., E^.R.S. ISnio. Engravings. This is the only extended Life of the greatest >f English philosophers evepgiven to- the publ.e. n attempting to supply a vacancy rn philo- ophir and scientific literature, Sir David Brew- ster, himself one of the most profound and emi nent lavant of the ag, has not only sought out from resources hitherto unknown and inac cessible to previous writer* every fresh and- lorel particular of Newton's lite, but has giveo he most lucid explanations of his great discov- ries, and The steps by which they weTe accom- ilished ; ad has been remarkably succesoful i* rendering these intelligible to all classes ot THE LIVES OF THE MOST EMINENT BRITISH PAINTERS AND SCULP TORS. By ALLAN CUNNING HAM, Esq. In 5 vols. ISmo. With Portraits. The author has collected, in these small vol- ttmes, a history of art in England, and th haracters, and works of its most eminent professors, the materials of which were pre- iously scattered tbroagh many volumes, inac* essible and uninviting to the maas of readers. The critical observations profusely scattered hrough these biographies will render them, useful' to tbe student, while the personal anec dotes with which they abound mike them equally alluring to the ordinary reader. Th labour's and struggles of genius, 'the success nt perseverance, and the imitility of talent unallimt to prudence, as exemplified in those narratives* afforJ a useful moral lesion, while tbe incident* which illustrate them becooM Una towrc*4, Works Published fiy Harper <$ Brothers. LIFE OF LORD BYRON. % J. GAI.T, Esq. 18mo. The splendour of Lord Byron's fame, and the interest attendant Upon the story of his eventful Jife and early deal h, have combined to render toil biography a work of more than usual at- fraction. Mr. Gait enjoyed the advantages consequent upon a long and intimate acquaint ance with the nolile poet, and hAs given strik- jrig an.) satisfactory uocrip'ion of hit character, line of the greatett merit* of the work is its strict impartially; the writer is evidently free from prejudice either favourable or adverse to his subject, and tells what he knows or believes to be ihe truih, without any biu from envy, ill- Svill. or affection. THE LIVES OF CELE BRATED TRAVELLERS. 'By JAMES AUGUSTUS ST. JOHN. In 3 vols. ISmo. Kvery mn whore mind can sympathize with human nature under all iti various aspects, and ran detect passions, weaknesses, and virtues like his own through the endless disguises effected by strange religions, policies, manners, or cli mates, must peruse the relations of veracious travellers with sitisfadion and advantage. The author of theie volumes has, with great indas'ry nd judgment, compiled a series of highly inter- ting narratives, containing Ihe most striking incidents in the lives and wanderings of all the celebrated travellers that have flourished within the last eight centuries, taking them up in their regular order of succession, presenting only the attractive portions, and omitting all useless and unnecessary details. The reader will find in U>ee volumes the substance of many ponderous tomes, moit of which are rare, and only to be found in the extensive European libraries. LECTURES ON GENE RAL LITERATURE, PO ETRY, &c. Delivered at the Royal Institute in 1830 and 1831. By JAMES MONTGOM ERY. 18mo. The graceful beauty of the style, the atmn- dance and felicity of illustration, and the skilful eiposition of the principles and elements of the divine art, imbodied in these interesting lec tures, have called forth the warmest expressions ocf delight, and secured for them a most exten sive popularity. THE HISTORY OF ARA BIA Ancient and Modern. Containing a Description of the Country An Account of its Inhabitants, Antiquities, Politi cal Condition, and Early Com merce The Life and Reli gion of Mohammed The Con quests, Arts, and Literature of the Saracens The Caliphs of Damascus, Bagdad, Africa, and A3 Spain The Civil Government and Religious Ceremonies of the Modern Arabs Origin and Suppression of the Wahabeea ^-The Institutions, Character, Manners, and Customs of the Bedouins ; and a Comprehen sive View of its Naturl His tory. By ANDREW CRICHTON. In 2 vols. 18mo. With a Map and Engravings. All the historical works in the Family Li- hrary are much and justly esteemed ; but ther* is none that has been more generally and highly approved than this. There is something * marked and distinct in the character of the peo ple whose history it gives, and the part they hare played in the great theatre of the world has been so striking and important, that thei* annals cannot be read without the highest inter- est. Their existence as a nation is traced to th* remotest a or a female equestrian, and recklessly exhibiting her beauties to the public eye in a ball-roomlittle does she think with what a gloating stare she is polluted by the expe rienced voluptuary, whom she fancies delighted only with her beauty. Little can she imagine how all those innocent and romantic visions, that float in the pure atmosphere of modesty, are thus viti ated, and converted into mere dull realities, with which the eye of man is already sated. Did she only know the feeling she inspires, the coarse re marks which are made upon her, and the presump tuous hopes she seems at least to sanction, she would surely shrink from these thoughtless expo sures, that convert all the glowing visions of fancy into mere matters of fact, and strip inexperienced, virtuous love, of that mystery which secures the devotion of all his votaries. SALMAGUNDI. 27 My long absence from the gay scenes of fash ionable life having made me feel rather awkward in making my reappearance, I had taken care to flank myself with Will Wizard on one side, and Tippy Tittipup, Will's most particular object of admiration, on the other. Thus fortified, I entered the well-lighted drawing-room a little past eight, and was received by the lady of the house accord ing to the most approved modes of fashionable hospitality. The good lady has a great respect for our family, her mother having been housekeeper to mine, in the days of the Philips and other mem bers of the Perpetual Club, of which I shall give a full account on a future occasion. She accord ingly beckoned me to a seat beside her on the sofa. Just as I was going to sit down, however, my eye glanced upon something in the shape of an enormous snake, glittering in spiral volumes at my feet. I inherit from Adam, I believe, a mortal an tipathy to snakes, and having just heard of the re turn of the great Sea-Serpent, I honestly confess, I started up with very considerable emphasis, not knowing but it might be that egregious monster. " Bless me, Mr. LangstafF," exclaimed my lady, " what can be the matter I hope youhaven'tgot a twinge of the gout ?" " By no means, madam," answered I " I was only a little alarmed at a great Boa Constrictor, which I now find, to my infinite comfort, is noth ing but the leg of the sofa, if any thing in that 28 SALMAGUNDI. shape can possibly be translated into such a vulgar exploded thing as a leg." " Oh 'tis all the fashion, Mr. Langstaff you will not see a leg in the whole city" except, thought I, walking behind some of our fashionable ***** I Qr j ugt p ee p m g out }ike a drumstick from one of those meal-bags my friend Tippy Tittipup is troubled with. On looking round the room, however, I saw Mrs. Tubman was right, and that my good friend had, as it were, come to inhabit a den of serpents, or fiery dragons, I could scarcely tell which, with their mouths wide open, and seeming to vomit ac tual fire, especially one that supported a music stand. If every serpent tempts an Eve, thought I, we are in a hopeful way. Seeing me contemplate this goodly assemblage of snakes, the lady of the den asked me, rather beseechingly, if I did not think it a genteel style of furniture. " Beyond all question, madam," I replied " and bespeaks the scientific taste of the age. I remem ber when nobody but chymists, apothecaries, con jurers, and other learned wights, were represented in the old picture books, surrounded by stuffed alli gators, dried lizards, and enormous snakes, pinned to the walls, or dangling from the ceilings. Now my good friend Tubman, who, I understand, in tends shortly to study chymistry and geology, must feel like honest Cornelius Agrippa, or Doctor Faus- tus, who was not quite so honest, or Sir Hum SALMAGUNDI. 29 phrey Davy, seated thus in the midst of emblems of physic, alchymy, chivalry, and immortality." "Ah ! now " drawled out the lady " now, Mr. Langstaff, you are joking, I am sure. But, seri ously, don't you think them genteel ?" " Certainly, Mrs. Tubman everything fashion able and expensive must be genteel I believe there is no other rule at present. But, my dear madam," said I, rather in a lower and more earnest tone " are you not afraid of the consequences of placing these monsters in the daily contemplation of your children ? Are you riot apprehensive that your little ones, who are just about getting a phys iognomy, will go to one of these monsters for it ? Nothing can equal the ductility of the infant flesh, or the ease with which it takes a character from surrounding objects. I give you my word, that all the little negroes at my cousin's country-house, got Chinese faces by being accustomed to play in the hall, which was papered with Chinese figures at work ; and that the want of a chin, so conspicuous in our friend Jeremy, is supposed to be derived from the same cause." By this time Mrs. Tubman had begun a course of fidgeting. " You don't say so, Mr. Langstaff it can't be possible the thing never struck me be fore." Thus she talked, half to herself, for a little while; first looking at me, and then at the ser pents. Just at that moment, the little girl, whose birthday had been the occasion of this festivity, 30 SALMAGUNDI. came running up to ask permission to dance a co tillon. It happened, rather unluckily, that the little damsel really possessed a sort of physiog nomy partaking in no small degree of the character of the wide-mouthed monsters gaping on every side. I could see the anxious mother comparing them together ; and at last, apparently recognising the fatal resemblance, she caught the little full- dressed woman up in her arms, and ran out of the room with precipitation. I should have regretted the uneasiness I gave her, had I not justified my self in endeavouring to put a stop to this danger ous passion for serpents, which cost the first mar ried man so dear, and picks the pockets of so many of his successors in that happy state. To me it appears a decided proof of bad taste and ex travagance, to fill our houses with expensive, ill- shaped, and gaping reptiles, curling about sofas, tables, and music stands supporting candelabras, and sustaining the most various, as well as contra dictory functions. This lumbering the house with monsters will assuredly destroy the beauty of all the children, and, to my mind, it has injured it al ready very seriously. Having requested Will Wizard to keep a good look-out in the ball-room, in order to be able to compile, from actual observation, a system of rules and regulations for the fashionable world, I did not care to enter the crowd until the latter part of the evening, when I strolled thither in search of SALMAGUNDI. 31 him. The moment I entered, my original purpose was lost in astonishment, at seeing the enormous style in which Tippy Tittipup was discussing cer tain refreshments. These consisted of pickled oysters, fried ham, jellies, ice-cream, plum, pound, and sponge cake figs, almonds, raisins, prunes, blanc-mange, whip-sillabub, and I can't tell what more besides. Tippy had posted himself in a most admirable position, worthy one of the oldest and most experienced aids of the commander-in- chief. It was just inside the door, whence he could levy upon every thing passing in and out, and as a position for foraging, was unrivalled. Not the great Bradshaw Fearon, who wrote a book against Us, because we did not eat hot suppers not even one of the delicate damsels, who seek an appetite at Ballston, or satisfy it at a supper-party, ever equalled the trencher feats of Tippy Tittipup. Laced up in corsets, as was that unequalled youth, it was marvellous to see the extent of his discus sions on these matters. And, to make use of a phrase I learned of Will Wizard, poor Tubman " suffered" on this occasion very considerably. Long talking being the supposed foible of old age, I shall forbear reminding the reader that I am ten years older than when we parted last, by spin ning this paper to an unreasonable length. Not that I care much about the opinions of the critics. I am too old to learn, even if they could teach me ; and as I have hitherto, so will I continue to pursue 32 SALMAGUNDI. my own path, satisfied, if I can please the gay and the innocent; who will, I trust, always constitute the majority of my readers. If I fail, there is one consolation in old age a few years will bury my self and my disappointments in one common grave. "CODIFICATION." BY WILLIAM WIZARD. PERHAPS there is nothing in which the inhabi tants of towns diifer from those of the country more than in the various, as well as sudden changes, observed in their dress, manners, and amusements. The people of the rural fields are just as they were when I first remember the murmuring streams and green meadows ; and while every thing else, and I among the rest, have changed, their dress main tains, in a great degree, its ancient simplicity ; their manners, their amusements, and their occupations remain the same. Sometimes, indeed, one may chance to see at village balls, or country churches, a youth or a belle attempting something like the city style ; but such examples do not spread, and are looked upon as subjects of laughter or scandal rather than of imitation. Like the Chinese, they pass along from generation to generation, parta king but little in the changes of this capricious SALMAGUNDI. world, and exhibiting their respect for their good fathers, by doing as they did before them. The foregoing remarks, however, apply only to such parts of our country as have not been of late years infested by fashionable tourists, and where there are neither post-coaches or banks. These fortunate exemptions have left the inhabitants in quiet possession of oblivion, and enabled them to remain in happy ignorance of those wonderful re finements in manners and morals, which are so in dicative of a near approach to the promised mil lennium. It is in these sequestered nooks, which present nothing but rural vales, rich harvest-fields, comfortable farmhouses, and virtuous competency, that the presiding genius of our country dwells, in the plain dress and unostentatious independence of an American farmer. Contrasted with this plainness and simplicity in dress and manners, the aspect of a city presents nothing but an ever-changing variety of capricious metamorphoses. The sense of propriety ; a regard to time, place, circumstance, and situation ; an adap tation of dress and manners to age, rank, fortune, or physiognomy all these seem to be lost sight of in the innate, instinctive propensity to imitate some idle peculiarity of dress or manner, which, if traced to its source, will generally be found to originate with some opera-dancer of Paris, or some notori ous demirep of London. Most of the customs and habits of this world will be found to emanate from B3 34 SALMAGUNW. some rational source ; but the laws of fashion seem nothing but caprice, and not only the dress, but the manners and morals of the beau-monde, are sub ject to periodical changes, arising from causes which, like those sudden variations of temperature common in our climate, baffle all the researches of philosophical investigation. Many distinguished writers, smitten with a de sire to benefit the world, have, from time to time, attempted to bring these matters under the regula tion of common sense and propriety. But I know not how it is, all other classes quietly submit to the laws of the land, while the people of fashion, like our native Indians, seem of a nature not sus ceptible of being reclaimed from the indulgence of those wild and wayward habits, that bid defiance to authority, and resist both reason and force. But notwithstanding that all which has heretofore been said and written on this important subject, has had pretty much the same effect that the sage admo nitions of prudent age have on the inexperienced youth, still this is no reason why we, in our capa city of overseers of fashionable manners, should not make a similar trial. The wisdom of man is, it is true, incapable of foreseeing what may possi bly happen ; but his experience is sufficient to con vince him, that what has been a thousand times attempted in vain, often happens at last of itself. If at this happy crisis, when a combination of causes beyond the control of any human being is SALMAGUNDI. 35 about to produce what the efforts of all the reform ers have failed to bring about, some lucky genius places himself conspicuously at the head of the current, he gains infinite credit for having given a direction to the tide, although he merely floated with the stream. I believe, if the influence of great reformers on the age in which they lived were fairly analyzed, it would be found to amount to no more, than merely furnishing arguments to justify the people in a change they had before re solved upon. However this may be, we see every day laws laid down by our corporation,, which no body pays the least attention to ; and were lawgiv ers to be discouraged in their attempts to do good, by the frequency of their failure, we should not have such an immense pile of obsolete statutes, all of which, doubtless, were originally considered of great virtue. Although I can't boast of possessing that singu lar clearness of perception that wonderful power of analysis, nor that unequalled simplicity of style which distinguishes the great JEREMY BEJSTHAM, and am far below that illustrious reformer in that inimitable skill in " codification" for which he is distinguished, yet have I attempted to follow his example at humble distance . I have endeavoured in the following pages, by condensing, classing, sim plifying and codifying, to digest a sort of manual for the government of the fashionable world, so perspicuous that all may understand so easy that 36 SALMAGUNDI. all may practise and so concise, that all may have sufficient leisure to commit, it to memory. My de sign was to collect, and if possible arrange a sys tem of rules and regulations, that should at once fit the most inexperienced young lady, either from the country or from a boarding-school, to play her part with credit in the best society. To this I have added various hints, which, if properly attended to, will enable married ladies and their husbands to neglect each other in the most polite manner, so that when I have completed my natural history of the dandies, the whole will form, I flatter myself, a complete codification of the laws of fashion, not unworthy the great original. With these intro ductory remarks, I will now proceed to develop the system more completely. GENERAL DIRECTIONS FOR YOUNG LADIES, APPLI CABLE TO ALL SITUATIONS. As the first virtue of a young lady in these hard times (when nothing is plenty but paper money that won't pass) is economy, every single woman of fashion should endeavour to do with as little clothing as possible. It is a folly to suppose that it is more necessary to cover the arms, shoulders, and the etceteras of a fashionable woman, any SALMAGUNDI. 37 than her face and hands. Habit will ren tier the one as immaterial as the other, in time. This simplicity of dress, while it indicates a dis position to be saving, proves also that they are above all deception, and scorn disguise of every sort and degree. Besides the foregoing reasons for going with as little clothing as possible, especially in cold weath^ or, there is another and very powerful one, to en* courage the adoption of this new system of econ* omy. It affords a striking, or, as JEREMY BER TRAM says, a naked proof, that the young lady who is sufficiently public-spirited for this exhibi tion, and magnanimously ventures forth, defying the penetrating breath of the doughty Boreas, as well as the still more penetrating glances of the still more doughty dandy, possesses an excellent con* stitution. This circumstance may, in some few cases, be a great recommendation to gentlemen tired of the blessings of a single life, and whose infirmities tempt them to marry, to ensure good nursing. If it be urged that the prospect of long life is no recommendation to matrimony at present, it may be suggested on the other hand, that this system of economy, if rigidly pursued, diminishes the chances of a wife troubling her husband long. In either case, this mode is not without its advan tages. When a young lady has great natural capabili- 38 SALMAGUNDI. ties for becoming a belle esprit, or blue-stocking, she should begin by accustoming herself to talk loud enough to be heard quite across the largest ball-room, while the fiddles are going> as they do in, the most fashionable circles. Every one will suppose, that a lady who takes such pains to be heard, must have something to say worth hearing ; and this is sufficient for most people, without any further investigation. In addition to this, it shows a proper confidence, and proves that she is not talking scandal, which is always conveyed in whis pers. For my part, whenever I see a lady speak ing in a soft, sweet, insinuating under-tone, I take it for granted she is abusing some one present. This disregard to the company, thus manifested by loud talking, also demonstrates that they are used to better society, and look upon those about them as too insignificant to be any restraint upon their behaviour or conversation. If the young lady happens to be at a ball and supper, it behooves her to pay particular atten tion to the first indications of the approach of the latter solemnity. By this means, she may place herself in a position to enable her to get before the married ladies, who, by means of their husbands,. are always let into the secret in time to get the best places. Nothing is so vulgar and mortifying withal, as for a young belle to bring up the rear of a procession to a supper-room. It proves y either that she waits for some one to hand her in, which SALMAGUNEH. 39 indicates a want of female intrepidity, or that she labours under the infirmity of modesty, than which nothing is a more unequivocal proof of low breed ing. When at supper, she ought to be careful not to wear a shawl, except it be a Cashmere and then to dispose of it so carelessly as to afford the young gentleman, who waits behind her, an opportunity of being paid for his trouble. In equipping for a ball, nothing can be more be coming or interesting than those charming dresses* which look as if they were just on the point of slipping from the shoulders. This gives rise to infinite solicitude on the part of the gentlemen, whose eyes are, as it were, fascinated to the spot, in expectation that some impending catastrophe is about to happen. Thus the lady will have the pleasure of being an object of great solicitude. Another peculiar advantage of this slippery-looking costume is, that it is next to impossible to tell whether a lady stands with her face or back towards you, unless you happen to ee the former. The other night, at Mrs. Tubman's, Tippy Tittipup and I had a hearty laugh at a raw young fellow, who stood " perplexed in die extreme," at the back of one of these dresses, and apparently in great doubt whether nature had not turned the face, or at least the figure, the wrong way. As the present race of beaux are so entirely taken up with admiring themselves, that they have no time to pay attention to other persons, I think the 40 SALMAGUNDI. young ladies are perfectly justifiable in flirting a little with the married gentlemen. They would get quite out of practice else, and no harm can re sult from it in the present fashionable arrangements, where a man who pays any attention to his wife is 1 considered a phenomenon, if not a monster. It is- not pretended that the foregoing rules furnish a complete " codification" for young ladies,, but such is the urgent call for something of the kind, before the commencement of the Ballston season, that we were under the necessity of promulgating it in the present unfinished state, with a promise of furnish ing a supplement as occasion may require. KTJLES FOR MARRIEB INDIES AND GENTLEMEN^. THE married ladies, no matter of what age, are to imitate the young ones in dress, manners, talk ing, and flirting, as much as possible. It is at war with the reason of things, and the practice with respect to every other ease, to suppose that young women ought to copy old ones. All our reason ings proceed upon the supposition, that the world is continually growing wiser, and consequently ta look to a preceding generation for examples, is of the very essence of " a preposterous retrogradation," as the illustrious Bentham says. Hence there is a& SA-LMAGUNDI^ 41 inflexible propriety in the married ladies dressing and behaving as much like girls as possible. As their husbands, according to the new codifi cation, are inhibited from paying them in public the common -courtesies demanded by every other lady, it is of indispensable necessity that they supply his place by an attendant who will afford them, at the most reasonable rate. This attendant ought, if pos sible, to be some well-looking, pretty-behaved, inno cent, married man ; the husband, if possible, of the lady's most particular friend ; and if the friend in return can manage so as to have the husband of her friend for her particular attendant, the arrangement is as complete as the nature of things will permit. It unites convenience, harmony, and reciprocity. Each lady will always have a beau at command, who answers all the purposes of a husband, with this special advantage, that he can be exchanged for another whenever she is tired of him. This easy mode of bearing the yoke of matri mony has been practised in Europe for many years past, and, beyond ail doubt, has conduced much to that purity of morals, that graceful relaxa tion of matrimonial decorum, and that elegant dis regard of common rules, which we have hitherto been unable, greatly to the mortification of some of our moral writers, to naturalize in this country. It is equally certain, that it has operated most powerfully in preventing an increase of human misery ; first, by inducing young ladies to marry, if 42 SALMAGUNDI. for no other purpose than to enjoy this unrestrained freedom secondly, by tempting old bachelors from the barren path of celibacy, by the certainty of being rid of the trouble of waiting upon their wives and lastly, by producing such a delightful relief from all the burdensome restraints of matri mony, that one half the time people forget they are married. Another indispensable rule, especially recom mended to the adoption of married ladies, is to spend as much money as they conveniently can. This encourages trade and industry ; gives a spur to the inventive powers of mantuamakers and men-milliners, and, above all, confers great conse quence upon the husband. People naturally con clude from this, that he is either a very rich man, or that he is in good credit, which is still more to his honour. The amount of a man's debts is the best possible criterion of his estimation in society, because it is a proof of the public confidence. A good wife will, therefore, always assist in building up a character for her husband in this way. The married men must on no account be de tected in paying the most common civilities to their wives, as this is considered unstatesmanlike, and indicative of low-breeding. At Washington, where the corps diplomatique gives the tone to manners, the married ladies are left to elbow their way alone through the crowds of that extensive metropolis, unless they have provided themselves SALMAGUNDI. 43 with an attendant I would not call him a cecisbeo for the world. Should they happen to be without this indispensable appendage, they wander about like fera naturtz, whom every man is at liberty to circumvent and destroy. This wellbred neglect is recommended as a piece of high-breeding, by the extreme facility with which it may be adopted, and put into practice. Other more occult myster ies of fashionable manners require early habits of good-breeding, and a certain command of at least the appearance of refinement, which are not in the power of every one ; but this is attended with no sort of difficulty. I have seen a little country attorney, whom the wisdom of his constituents had made a lawgiver, enter the highest circle in the nation, with his wife some paces behind him, and with as good an air as if he had been an attache to an embassy. Being thus without the encum brance of a wife hanging on his arm, he was enabled to dispose of his hands to great advantage, by scratching his head with one, and thrusting the other into his breeches pocket. The advantages resulting from this high-bred neglect of our better parts are manifold. Being thus left to themselves, and to a dependance on their own talents and resources, for amusement arid protection, they lose that weakness and effeminacy, which, having been lately patronised by the fashionable young gentlemen, are no longer the peculiar attributes of feminine delicacy. In 44 SALMAGUNDI. short, they acquire a degree of masculine intre pidity, that fits them actually for the protection of the other sex, and enables them to attend auctions to great advantage. Another, and still more impor tant result is, that in time they become so accus tomed to the attentions of the whole male genus, that in the end, they care little who attends them, and make no distinction between one man and another. This is considered as the highest point to which refinement can be carried ; and there are instances abroad, where this salutary indifference hath been brought to such a pitch of perfection, that for want of the habit of making distinctions, ladies of the first rank have actually mistaken the husbands of their most intimate friends for their own. But what, after all, I consider the chief ex cellence of our system of codification, is, that it will be found, on examination, wonderfully adapted to all classes of people, who may by its aid be come exceedingly fashionable, without the drudg ery of acquiring polite accomplishments the la bour of polish or refinement, or attending to the tedious and insufferable formalities of the old school of good-breeding. SALMAGUNDI. 46 CRITICISM. As no periodical work can possibly exist in the present times without the seasoning of a little criticism, it may be well to give early notice to our fashionable readers, that we are in possession of a number of choice specimens of that noble art, with which they will from time to time be regaled. Some of these are as old as the days of Shak- speare, and seem to have served as models for the present most approved style of criticism. As a specimen, we present to the reader a review of the tragedy of Othello, supposed to have been written by Geoffrey Cockloft, one of the most famous critics of that day. All we have been able to learn of the writer is, that he presided over the taste of the town for several years, and by sitting in judgment upon the most celebrated writers of his age, at length actually believed himself supe rior to them all, and thereupon became exceedingly vain and conceited. Like many men, however, who make a great figure during life, he sunk quietly into oblivion at his death, and his works, with the exception of some manuscript criticisms, perished with him. In addition to these valuable manuscripts, we have had the good fortune to secure the co-opera tion of a young gentleman who has written criti^ cisms for our theatre for the last ten years, and is 46 SALMAGUNDI. the author of several of those which lately ap peared in some of the public papers, to the great edification of the town. This young fellow pos sesses rare and invaluable requisites for this branch of the literary trade. He sings a good song, is a member of several musical societies, and has regularly attended all the concerts for several years past. He is a consummate judge of horses and dogs, and consequently exceedingly well qualified for a stage critic of the present times, where the principal characters are performed by these animals. We once heard him give a criticism on the perform ance of the Dog of Montargis, that would have done credit to a firstrate review. He will take particular cognizance of this important branch of the drama, and not spare even the elephant himself, if he transgress.es the bounds of nature. But he will soon speak for himself, and our readers have an opportunity of judging of his critical accomplishments. In the meanwhile, to satiate the appetite of the public, we will transcribe for their amusement the learned and judicious criticism of Geoffrey Cockloft, Esq., on the tragedy of Othello, as written shortly after its first appear ance. This worthy gentleman was, according to tradition, ancestor to the present family of that name : a great beau, critic, and frequenter of the theatre in his day, and one who had damned more plays than any man of his time. The manuscript is headed as follows ; SALMAGUNDI. 47 OTHELLO, THE MOOR OF VENICE. BY WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE, IF the end of tragedy be to make us laugh, then this is a tragedy of the first order. It is written by a stable-boy, or rather a link-boy, wham every body recollects, about the theatre, where he is accustomed to hold horses during the perform ances. Having, by this connexion with the stage, acquired a considerable insight into the tricks and traps by which it is customary to win the good- natured audience into an endurance of the vilest trash, he probably conceived himself qualified for a distinguished votary of the tragic muse. He is reckoned quite a prodigy. But for our part we hate prodigies : we are quite sick of genius grow ing up in pig-sties, cobblers'-stalls, and sheep-pens. If a work is not a good one, we care not whether it was written in a palace or a hovel ; and are in clined to believe that people who admire it on ac count of the deficiencies of the author, are little better than blockheads. " Portents and prodigies are grown so frequent, that they have lost their name." People, however, still continue to wonder at them, while the real wonder is, not that these stall-fed and stall-bred prodigies arise, but that people still continue to wonder at them. For our part, we repeat, we are quite tired of these prodigies. Of what conse- 48 SALMAGUNDI. quence is it to us, if a man writes nonsense, that he has never had an opportunity of learning to write better ? If we want a shoe made, we don't go to a poet ; or if we do, we don't make him out to be a wonder, because he has cobbled us a pair of somethings in the shape of shoes. Why then should we go to a cobbler, a stable-boy, or a swine herd, for our poetry ? Every one to their trade, is an excellent maxim, and we would advise Mr. William Shakspeare to limit his ambition to hold ing the reins of mere earthly steeds, rather than aspire to manage the fiery-footed Pegasus. But it is time for us to introduce this curious performance to the reader. It has one merit at least, and that is originality. We will venture to affirm there is nothing like it, either in nature or any of its abom inable imitations called stage-plays, from the days of the first theatrical cart down to the present time. Nothing can equal the plot, but the dialogue ; and had not the dialogue a parallel in the plot, it would be impossible to find a resemblance to either, in all the story-books extant. It seems, a Moor, that is, a blackmoor, who had distinguished himself in the service of the Vene tian state, being admitted into familiarity by a sen ator, gained the affections of his daughter, in no other way than by telling her long stories about the wars in which he had been engaged. They elope together at night, and the play opens with the bawlings of one of Desdemona's for that is the SALMAGUNDI. 49 lady's name cast off suiters, a silly fellow of the name of Roderigo, who appears in the street in company with a precious villian, called lago. Rod erigo wakes Signior Brabantio, the father of the runaway lady, by crying out '* thieves, thieves," most lustily; and lago, in reply to the senator's inquiry as to what is the matter, thus elegantly lets him into the secret " Your heart is burst, you have lost half your soul, Even now, very now, an old black ram Is tupping your white ewe." Brabantio, as may be supposed, not being, like our author, bred in a stable, is still in the dark as to the cause of this uproar, and renews his inquiries, lago answers again in the genuine language of the author's profession " Zounds, sir, you are one of those that will not serve God, if the devil bid you. Because we come to do you service, you think we are ruffians : you'll have your daughter covered by a Barbary horse ; you'll have your nephews neigh to you ; you'll have coursers for cousins, and genets for germans." Was there ever such impiety, indecency, non sense, and alliteration combined in so small a com pass before ? Our author's breeding seems equal to his piety, and, to say the truth, both seem to be excelled by his knowledge of horses. We think, in sober sadness, that he is much better qualified voi,. i. c 5 50 SALMAGUNDI. in horse-farriery than in tragedy-writing, and again recommend him to the stable for a livelihood. Lit tle as we think of the present taste of the town, we are apt to believe that it will not easily be brought down to the dead level of such indecent and im pious ribaldry. Brabantio still remains at a loss to comprehend this elegant allegory ; and at last, lago tells him in plain English, his daughter has run away with the Moor, and makes use of a phrase, expressive of further illustration, we will not insult our readers by quoting. The potent signior, as might be ex pected, will not believe this, and we also confess ourselves incompetent to the reception of so mon strous an outrage upon nature and probability. It is utterly impossible to believe, that this delicate female the daughter of one of the most distin guished senators of the potent republic of Venice brought up with all the cares due to her rank, and imbued with all the purest principles of virtue should so far forget herself as to fall in love and elope with a blackmoor. And what for ? Why, forsooth, because he stole all the absurdities out of old story-books, made himself the hero, and appro priated all the adventures he says, " Of antres vast, and deserts idle, Rough quarries, rocks, and hills whose heads touch heaven, It was my hint to speak, such was the process ; And of the cannibals that each other eat, The anthropophagi, and men whose heads SALMAGUNDI. 51 Do grow beneath their shoulders," &c. &c. " All this to hear would Desdemona seriously incline ; She swore in faith 'twas strange, 'twas passing strange, ' 'Twas pitiful, 'twas wondrous pitiful," &c. &c. Finally, to cut off a long story which the black- moor tells to the senators, " She loved him for the dangers he had passed," and thereupon ran away with this intolerable liar, who told of things which no true philosopher be lieves ever had an existence, except in the story books with which our author seems so marvellously well acquainted. Setting aside, however, these pleasant rogues, who carried their heads under their arms, we presume, after the manner of a chapeau de bras, what shall we say to " vast antres" and " idle deserts ?" We have looked into all the dictionaries for antres, without being able to find it, and will thank our learned author to tell us where he got this treasure of a word. " Idle deserts" is neither characteristic nor descrip tive, and conveys no idea of a desert. It is pretty plain that it was put in at random, to fill up the measure of the verse, if any such thing may be supposed within the comprehension of a stable- boy. Truly, the pretty Venetian must have had a fine taste, to be caught with such delightful adven tures, related with such appropriate language and imagery. In truth, the whole piece is vitiated by this manifest improbability. It is utterly impossi 52 SALMAGUNDI. ble for anybody, but the readers of those same story-books, from which our author has borrowed his plot and characters, to conceive that a white woman of high rank could fall in love with a black- moor. The blackmoor, being acquitted before the senate, where he is brought to answer the charge of using magic in gaining the love of Desdemona, embarks for Cyprus, against the Turks. A " se gregation," as our author calls it, " of the Turkish fleet" takes place, however, and a great storm hap pens, which is thus described in the genuine lan guage of bombast : " Do but stand upon the foaming shore, The chiding billow seems to pelt the clouds ; The wind-shock'd surge, with high and monstrous main, Seems to cast water on the burning bear, And quench the guards of the ever-fixed pole," &c. This idea of casting water on the redhot bear, and putting out the stars, is truly original, and de serving of reprobation. It is of the highest species of the genuine bombast, and therefore we have little doubt but the author, if he should chance to reach posterity, will be quoted as the great master of this species of writing. The blackmoor and his wife escape this inimi table tempest, and meet in Cyprus, where a delec table love-scene takes place ; any audience that can listen to it with patience, must be more than mor tal. The blackmoor kisses her most uxoriously, SALMAGUNDI. 63 in the presence of all his suite, as well as of our old friend lago, who has a great grudge against Othello, because he made him a monster, and would not make him his lieutenant. lago follows him to Cyprus, to make mischief, by exciting his jealousy against one Michael Cassio, " a marvel lous proper man," and marvellously hated by lago, because he got the aforesaid lieutenancy. An opportunity occurs, or is rather brought about by lago, to attain both objects. He and Michael Cassio are appointed to the watch, where the lat ter, like a trusty lieutenant, gets drunk, kicks up a brawl, and with the assistance of lago, kills Rode- rigo, who had come to Cyprus to do the black- moor a good turn, and supply lago with money. In the midst of the brawl, the blackmoor, who had been waked by an alarm-bell, enters with an enor mous toledo, and threatens mortal vengeance upon those who refuse to put up their swords. Cassio is called upon to explain, but, being a little fuddled, makes but a poor business of it, and in the conclu sion, Cassio is disgraced, and lago appointed lieu tenant. So far, so good but lago is not yet satisfied. He invites Desdemona to intercede for Cassio's pardon, and, in the meantime, his wife steals a certain handkerchief, the first gift of the black- moor to Desdemona, and possessed, it seems, of certain magical qualities, that are thus humorously set forth : 54 SALMAGUNDI. " A sibyl that had numbered in the world The sun to make two hundred compasses, In her prophetic fury sew'd the work ; The worms were hallowed that did breed the silk ; And it was died in mummy, which the skilful, Conserved of maidens' hearts." What a delicate present to a lady ! This wonder ful handkerchief lago drops in Cassio's lodgings, who, not knowing the owner, very naturally picks it up and appropriates it to his own use. Thus prepared, he begins to work on the jealous disposition of the Moor, by innuendoes about Cas- sio ; by hints of the precious worth of a good name ; and by emphatically bidding / him beware of jealousy. The blackmoor begins to be a little uneasy hereupon, and at a subsequent interview collars lago, curses him lustily, and insists upon his being more explicit. lago then tells of certain confessions of Michael Cassio in a dream ; poor Cassio being addicted, it seems, to the dangerous practice of talking in his sleep. These were over heard by lago, who was kept awake several nights by the toothache. He also further enrages the poor blackmoor, by telling him, he, that very morning, saw Cassio wipe his beard with the ma gical handkerchief aforesaid. The blackmoor be ing now fully satisfied of his fate, threatens most unheard-of vengeance ; and upon Desdemona's en trance, begins to roar for the " handkerchief the " handkerchief " the handkerchief," as if his nose SALMAGUNDI. 55 was bleeding. Poor Desdemona,not being able to produce it, is treated most discourteously, and makes her exit in great tribulation. All this is laughable enough, but now comes the tragic part of the story. The blackrnoor being convinced of his dishonour, orders lago to see Cassio forthwith despatched, and smothers poor Desdemona, not in onions, but with a pillow. Just at this period the treachery of lago is discovered, and the blackmoor, finding how egregiously he has been duped, mistakes himself for "a circum cised dog," and kills himself in consequence of this genuine Irish blunder. Such is the rapid outline of this monstrous pro duction. We have no room to remark on the enormous violations of the unities of time and place with which it everywhere abounds. It opens at Venice, and closes at Cyprus ; and the spectator is expected to believe, in opposition to his own senses, that he has been transported from one place to the other without knowing any thing about it ! Neither will our limits permit us to extract a num ber of passages, most distinguished either for their vulgar familiarity or their inflated absurdity. The reader, we hope, will take our word, when we as sure him, that for plot, character, and poetry, the tragedy of Othello is without a parallel in the mon strous productions of the modern muse. Before w.e conclude, we will take leave to give a few parting words of advice to Mr. William 56 SALMAGUNDI. Shakspere or Shakespeare, as he writes it indif ferently, spelling not having formed a part of his education. We are at all times willing to foster the attempts of unfriended genius, when we per ceive the least indications in the productions of such persons. But it would be a mistaken kind ness towards this young man to encourage him to further efforts. We will venture to predict, that if he writes till doomsday, he will never write a good tragedy. We have been told he is a native of Stratford-upon-Avon, whither we would recom mend him to make the best possible way. There are doubtless many people who want a smart lad to take care of their horses ; and though he will never make a great play-writer, he may possibly in time become a tolerable composer of ballads for wakes and fairs SALMAGUNDI* 57 NO. II. JUNE 29, 1819. FROM MY ELBOW CHAIR. THOSE who lead a wandering life, or who often quit their old haunts for a time, frequently enjoy a pleasure peculiar to themselves, although occasion ally mixed with pain. It is in returning to the scenes of their past enjoyments, and again meeting the friends that were wont to share them. The cordial shake of the hand the honest-hearted how-d'ye-do, and the thousand friendly inquiries that flow from the heart to the lips, give a fresh gloss to this threadbare world, and renew the zest of wornout pleasures. If the interval of separa tion has not been too long, even those who we only remember to have seen will seem as old friends, whose faces, like looking-glasses, reflect past times, and recall a train of half wornout im pressions, not the less pleasing for being softened in the mists of time. Something similar has happened to me, in re turning as it were to the enjoyment of a new ex istence. All my old friends seem pleased to see me again, and it is quite impossible to give an idea of the effect produced by our first number. As I c3 58 SALMAGUNDI. have for the last ten years principally resided at Cockloft-hall, only visiting the city of a morning, and that but seldom, my face has become almost out of print, and I have consequently been able to hear and see a vast deal of the town and its various opinions, without being recognised by either friend or foe. As nothing has been talked of in the fashionable world, for the last fortnight, but our first number and the mad dogs, I have been ena bled, by this fortunate obscurity, to hear the opinions of almost all the critics, great and small, at the Library, Eastburn's rooms, and other places infested by the literati. It is truly astonishing how different the judg ments formed by these infallible critics are on this interesting subject. Some maintain that our pres ent work is a miserable attempt to impose upon the town ; and our old acquaintance ICHABOD FUN GUS, the other morning, at the City Library, declared pointblank, that the author was one of the critics of the Port Folio, discharged for writing common sense. Our other old acquaintance DICK PADDLE, however, took up Fungus, with his usual impetu osity, and insisted that, to his certain knowledge, the work was conducted by an association of printers' devils, assisted by a gentleman who two or three years since delivered lectures in New- York, and who he knew for certain was engaged to furnish original articles, compiled from various authors, ancient and modern. A smart little fellow, SALMAGUNDI. 59 wearing a cockade, and dressed somewhat fashion ably, whom they called major, gave it as his opinion that it was rather above the capacity of the print ers' devils or the lecturer, and therefore Paddle must be mistaken. What mortified me most of all was, that every one agreed it could not be a genuine continuation of Salmagundi, or, if it was, ten years had made sad alterations, and it was a great pity that old people could never be persua ded it was time to retire from the scrutiny of all but their nearest relatives. I confess I was some what nettled at this, not that I care a pin for public opinion, only it was so impudent for them to give any opinion at all. I left the company just as it was settled that one good, well-aimed criticism would annihilate, both the work and its unlucky authors, whoever they were. My retreat was somewhat precipitate, as I fancied the major looked rather hard at me, as if he suspected I was one of them. From thence I lounged into our publisher's, to see how matters went on there, and was cheered with the encouraging information that the work had a great run ; and that a second edition was antici pated, in the course of two or three years. In this haunt of the muses was collected a knot of smart little fellows, all in corslets, mostly colle gians I believe, who in a little time made mince meat of us. One of them, who talked with an air of authority, and who, I hear, once greatly 60 SALMAGUNDI. distinguished himself for a rhapsody unequalled for the sonorous rumbling of its sentences, care lessly turned over the leaves of our first number, and pronounced the style without either force or elevation. Another in corslets told our pub lisher, who, I could perceive, began to feel like a culprit, that it bid fair to be neither more nor less than the dregs and strainings of the first part, or rather a stale giblet pie, made out of the re mains of the former dish. That the continuation, so far as he could judge from the first number, had all the pertness, without any of the humour of Sal magundi, and all its folly without a grain of its good sense. A third, who looked something like a stu dent of divinity, pronounced the article of our friend WILL WIZARD, called Codification, to be irreligious, as well as immoral in its tendency, inasmuch as it seriously recommended a course of conduct, which, if adopted, would destroy the happiness of domes tic life, and introduce the most unrestrained licen tiousness of manners. Here I could not make it convenient to be silent any longer, but observed, with an air of as much indifference as I could assume, that the whole of that article appeared to me ironical, and ought, therefore, to be taken exactly in reverse. The student eyed me rather equivocally, and as I confess my dress is not in the very first fashion, probably took me for a schoolmaster I beg pardon, a teacher of a classical academy, as there are no SALMAGUNDI. 61 schools nowadays. Respecting my age, how ever, if such an idea is not, like my costume, quite out of date, he assured me, with an air of con strained civility, that I must be mistaken, as the professor of belles lettres had that morning pro nounced it written with a serious intention of un dermining our morals and religion. The authority of a professor is what I never would resist ; so I left poor Lintot, the bookseller, to fight it out, or surrender at discretion, just as he saw fit, and strolled down Wall-street to see what they thought of us upon 'Change, Here I found everybody making bargains,, that is to say, trying to get the better of each other. Here were two keen brokers in a corner, negotia ting the purchase and sale of a bill of exchange : and there another pair, equally keen, sitting in a box with glasses of punch before them, settling the preliminaries of a policy of ensurance. In another box were a couple of money-brokers, putting their heads together about shaving a note of one of our first merchants, for it is now no longer considered a disgrace to sell one r s credit in this way. Just opposite to these were two Frenchmen, who were settling an affair of a box of frippery, and, as usual, vociferating and gesticulating, as though they were deciding the fate of themselves and their posterity. The representatives of all the commercial nations of the world were gathered together, and another Babel seemed to have risen in another quarter of the globe, 6 62 SALMAGUNDI. Outside the door, the confusion was, if possible, greater than within. Here was a well-dressed and well-spoken gentleman mounted on a hogshead of tobacco, inviting everybody to come and buy, and crying out " nobody more," so as to be heard half a mile. A little farther was another on a bale of cot ton, bawling out " going, going, going !" with equal eagerness and noise. But one thing was thought of, talked of, or pursued here, and that was gain. Not one of these degenerate worms, thought I, is thinking of our work. I question whether there is a man in sight that ever heard of it. Ignoble race I will no longer stay among you, for you have never read our first number. I like the com forts, conveniences, and luxuries of commerce as I like to see clean faces and hands but I don't want to witness the process actually going on, by which these things are produced. Turning from this money-making scene, I cross ed over to BAEHR'S CORNER, where whilom used to lounge and linger many a portly citizen worth a plum, and many not worth a groat many a sage pol itician, whom the failure of a thousand predictions never discouraged from uttering a thousand more, and many an unwilling bachelor, whose numerous disappointments had not yet cooled the ardour of hope. Here, ten years ago, the jovial SEARIGHT flourished his ivory-headed cane, which he always held poised exactly in the middle here cracked his jokes, and here received his daily invitation to SALMAGUNDI. 63 some sumptuous dinner. " Adad and adad" but he was a right pleasant fellow, and kept many a well-fed citizen from falling asleep incontinently after dinner. Here, too, the rosy-cheeked BOYLE, that tuneful son of jolly Erin, did once resort ; and eke the worthy DAVY REEDY, who, though a broker, had a soul. Here too but why should I make myself sad with the triumphs of death, and the wrecks of past times ! Peace to their bones they were right potent bachelors, and I hope I do not wrong them by giving this passing record to their names. But a few of the old frequenters of this illustrious corner now remain, and their places are occupied by new-comers, who, instead of taking care of the interests of the nation, are employed in the ignoble pursuit of their own. Tired of a scene in which I bore no part, and of the company of beings in whose pursuits I could not sympathize, I resolved to call on our old friend Sophy Sparkle, who is now, however, both a wife and a mother -such are the wonders of ten years. Though somewhat chastened in her vi vacity by the cares of these new and important relations, she still retains all that sense and spirit which formerly made her a favourite companion to the witty and the wise. I expect to derive much benefit from renewing our old familiar footing of acquaintance, and promise the reader shall share it with me. She was just laying aside her shawl as. I came 64 SALMAGUNDI. in, having that moment returned from a round of morning visits. In her walks she had gathered, as our friend the BARON DE GUSTO used to say, a " nosegay" of pretty young belles, who accom panied her home, and were then, to my infinite satisfaction, talking about our first number. They were too young to recollect me, although there was one among them whom I had often dandled in my arms when she was a little spoiled child and as our hostess did not name me to them, I en joyed the benefit of hearing their unbiased opin ions. The suffrages of the female sex, on matters of this kind, are given at least with more candour, if with less judgment, than those of the men. With the former, there is no envy of men's acquire ments or exploits ; and not being pestered with the suggestions of that low-bred passion, they praise with an enthusiasm pure and unrestrained. With our male contemporaries it is quite different, for they have a mode of praising peculiar to them selves, and which, taken in its proper acceptation, amounts to a downright condemnation. Be this as it may, one thing is certain to wit, that the longer an old bachelor lives, the more he is pleased with young and blooming innocence. There is something in the youthful glow of female anticipation, as yet unchecked by disappointed ex perience something in the freshness of their rosy cheeks, the frankness with which they pour out their innocent souls before us, as well as in the vi- SALMA<3tNDI. 65 vacity with which they think, and feel, and act, that addresses itself directly to the sympathies of an old man of a benevolent heart. He views them in the light of roses, violets, and lilies, animated by an immortal soul, and, without any mixture of un hallowed passion, would cherish and protect them, as he does the flowers, against the vicissitudes of the seasons and the blasts of the elements. For my part, I love to look on them, although without a wish to appropriate their smiles, and delight in their gay prattle, even though they were discussing the merits of a bonnet or those of a beau. In a word, and I don't care who knows it, I had rather be the favourite of young hearts than old heads, at any time. The reader will therefore judge of the satisfac tion I experienced, in hearing our first number praised to the skies by these unprejudiced critics. They were delighted beyond measure with the prospect of once more being made of some little consequence in the world ; and one of them con fessed, that since the young fellows had taken to admiring themselves so inordinately, they had been in great danger of being entirely neglected, not withstanding they took every measure to escape oblivion, by actually filling the whole street with their flowers and bonnets. " Now, however," said she, " we shall have somebody to bring us out, and for my part, I care very little what these merry old bachelors say, provided they only talk of us." " I 66 SALMAGUNDI. wonder," says another, " who he means by Tippy Tittipup, Ichabod Fungus, Dick Paddle, and the rest of them. Now do tell" addressing my friend Sophy, who will pardon my calling her by her old familiar name "now do tell us they say you know every one of the authors, and all the charac ters brought out now do tell us won't you T' In vain did Sophy assure them that no one in particular was meant. It would not do ; they were all certain they must mean somebody, and I made a signal to her not to insist any further, for I saw pretty plainly that they would not relish our work half as well, if they were not certain " we meant somebody." At this moment, who should enter but Tippy Tittipup himself, who came forward with something instead of a bow, and took his seat with a mighty creaking of leather, and rustling of harness. TIPPY, who had, as our readers will rec ollect, accompanied WILL WIZARD and myself to a ball in our last number, recollecting me, addressed me by name and dissolved my incognito. The young ladies were struck dumb from that moment, and looked at me beseechingly, as if to beg I would not tell tales in my next paper. All conversation was now at an end, for even Tippy's interjections and disjointed phrases seemed to be run out or rather, I am inclined to believe, he took my men tion of him on a former occasion rather in dudgeon. I beg his pardon a thousand times, and hereby as sure him, if he will keep his own secret I will keep mine, and the world never be the wiser. SALMAGUNDI. 67 Perceiving the restraint of the company, I took a hasty leave, and went home, convinced that he who would enjoy unrestrained the pleasures of so ciety, must never pretend to be wiser than his neigh bours, or undertake the task of pointing out their foibles. For my part, I solemnly assure my read ers, that I would willingly forego all the praises I expect to receive (from posterity at least), if I could only enjoy the delights of living among the present generation, and laughing a little at their foibles, without being known by a single soul. ADVERTISEMENT, HAVING been, by the silent acquiescence of our fellow-citizens, elected to the high station of re- dressers of all private and domestic wrongs coun sellors in all difficult cases of matrimonial feuds ; censors of manners, and sovereign arbiters in all matters of taste, as well as supreme judges of those peccadilloes which the gravity of that sage school master, the Law, disdains to punish NOW THERE FORE, this is to give notice to all whom it may con cern, gentle and simple, married and single, wise and otherwise, forthwith to make known their grievances, It would look too much like those great bene- 68 SALMAGUNDI. factors of mankind, who fill the newspapers witil certificates of the wonderful efficacy of their nos trums, were we to boast of our qualifications for the duties we have thus taken upon ourselves. We acknowledge there are cases, especially matrimo nial ones, beyond the reach of our utmost skill, either to cure or alleviate, as there are diseases of the body that baffle the wonderful sagacity of the aforesaid advertising worthies, and defy the stoutest battery of bilious pills. Thus much, however, we will take upon us to promise : Tf we consider the patient within the limits of a probable remedy, he may be certain of receiving our best advice ; and if his case be too desperate for our moral materia medica, he shall have our sympathy, and may de pend upon our secrecy and honour. If on any oc casion we think proper, for the benefit of mankind, to publish one of these cases, the name of the party shall be enveloped in the obscurity of fiction, so that even the prying curiosity of the most arrant tabby will not be able to fathom the mystery. Should there be any married woman, then, whose husband had rather spend his evenings abroad than at home, or who loves every other man's dinner and wife better than his own, let her state the origin and present symptoms of the case, and we pledge our selves to cure him with a single prescription, prop erly administered. As one of the many proofs of the singular efficacy of our nostrum, we adduce the following affidavit : SALMAGUNDI. 69 City of New-York, ss. " Personally appeared before me, Charles Chris tian, special justice, Mrs. Abigail Applepye, who maketh oath, that her husband was for several years dreadfully afflicted with a difficulty of breath ing at home, and a bad habit of dining out and supping at taverns, whereby his constitution was greatly injured, and her domestic happiness entirely destroyed That although she had tried all the usual remedies of advising, lecturing, scolding, pouting, and crying, nothing seemed to do him any good, and everybody considered him incurable That one of her neighbours at last advised her ap plying to an old gentleman of the name of EVER GREEN, who, though he did not regularly practise, had performed several extraordinary cures That accordingly she went to him, and received a pre scription, which in about two months entirely re stored her husband to the enjoyment of health and the society of his wife and children. " ABIGAIL APPLEPYE. " Sworn before me, this 25th of April, 1819. (Signed) " CHARLES CHRISTIAN, S. J. P." We have a pamphlet, containing certificates and affidavits of more than three thousand cases of this nature, but must forbear to occupy our paper with more than is requisite to satisfy our readers that we are not mere advertising quacks, like those who administer poisons to the good people of New- 70 SALMAGUNDI. York, Philadelphia, and other great cities of tRe western world. These caitiffs advise the public to beware of counterfeits, with as much impudence as the rogue who attempts to escape the gripe of justice, by crying " stop thief among the crowd. We are also in possession of an infallible spe cific, for each of the various little foibles of mar ried women. If there should be among our nu merous readers any gentleman troubled with a wife too much addicted to dress, gossiping, dissi pation, and extravagance or given to envying the superior style of a particular friend or abandoned to a habit of buying things she don't know what to do with because they are so cheap ox of making up for the waste of the parlour, by the parsimony of the kitchen If, in short, they should be troubled with any of the everyday foibles, that come not, it is true, into the estimate of those mighty causes which mighty philosophers assign as the sources of human suffering, yet are at the bottom of much uneasiness, let them apply to us, with a certainty of speedy relief. As a further proof of our skill in this line, we subjoin the following extract of a let ter from an old friend in Charleston, South Caro lina : - "Dear Friend, " I cannot sufficiently express my gratitude for/ the wonderful benefit I have derived from your prescription. You know my wife, though in the; SALMAGUNDI. 71 ftiain a worthy and sensible woman, has, almost ver since our marriage, been sorely afflicted with the disease of buying -every thing cheap. For this purpose, she was for ever poring over the news papers for bargains, and if a shopkeepe^ in one of the most remote, dirty lanes of the suburbs, adver tised any thing cheap, no matter whether she wanted it or not> she never failed to waste the whole morn ing in -finding the place, for the sole purpose of bringing home a cheap article of no manner of use. But her paradise was an auction. Here she wasted more than half her time, lost her temper, and in*- jured my fortune. It happened, rather unluckily, that the wife of my opposite neighbour had been an old school-companion and dear friend of my good lady. They had married about the same time, and settled in the same neighbourhood, and as both their husbands were in the legislature, and possessed about equal fortunes, it very naturally happened, that the two friends became, in process of time, vehement rivals. In fact, they generally confronted each other at these auctions, and the consequence was, that the rogue of an auctioneer, having observed this rivalship, always managed to set them bidding against one another. To be sure, the fortunate purchaser paid double for her prize, but then she had the pleasure of triumphing over her rival, which was worth twice the money. " There .is no telling you what an incongruous medley of paltry stuff we at last got collected in 72 SALMAGUNDI. our house. It resembled our friend Doctor Ad- dle's noddle, which, you know, is stuffed with the odds and ends and driblets of a little of every thing except useful practical knowledge. When ever my wife brought home any thing we did not know what under heaven to do with, and I looked rather grave thereupon, she always disarmed me with 'To be sure, my dear,, we don't want it, but then you know it was so cheap/ My patience and fortune were both sinking daily under the operation of my poor wife's disorder, when luckily^ in my annual tour to the north, I last_year fell in with my dear old friend at Cockloft Hall. I have now the happiness to assure you, the prescription I then received has operated most miraculously,, and effected a complete cure.. My wife now never Buys any thing we don't want, merely because it is so cheap, and has become such an enemy to auc tions, that she has made me promise to use my utmost efforts to have them put down by an act of the legislature. " I remain your grateful and obliged, " GILES ALLINGTON. " Charleston, S..C., March 12th, 1819. "P. S. I gave my opposite neighbour a copy of your prescription, and he assures me his wife is- in a fair way of being cured." Without boasting, then, we may truly affirm,, t&at not one of the acute diseases incident to the SALMAGUNDI. 73 married state, is beyond the reach of our art. It is only where the disorder has become chronic, and settled down into a confirmed habit, that we despair of giving relief. Obstinate indifference, unfeeling apathy, or settled dislike, are equally be yond our skill ; nor, indeed, will we answer for the success of any of our prescriptions, unless where there is a good stock of love at bottom. The ab sence of this is an incurable matrimonial consump tion, and those who marry without the indispensa ble requisite of solid affection, must no more hope to be happy, than they can expect to be well who are born without a constitution. In addition to the foregoing, we have many ap propriate specifics for persons of less mature ages, especially young ladies and gentlemen of fashion. Some of these have produced most miraculous effects, as is sufficiently substantiated by the fol lowing documents : " Miss Barbara Cockloft presents her respects to Mr. Evergreen, and has the pleasure to assure him, that by using his last prescription, a great change has taken place in Mr. Wizard ; who, she hopes, in the course of a few doses more, to bring to the point she wishes. Mr. Wizard, yesterday, twice raised his chin from the edge of the sofa, with a seeming intention of saying something very particular, but was prevented, I believe, by my parrot bursting into a violent laugh just at that mo- VOL. i. D 7 74 SALMAGUNDI. ment. The next time Mr. Wizard comes, I in tend to have Polly sent out of the room." " Saturday morning, 1 1 o'clock. " Dear Mr. Evergreen, " I have got my beau again. I tried the pre scription only once, and sure enough, as you pre dicted, he came back yesterday, and brought me a most beautiful nosegay. Poor Miss Pipkins looks as if she had lost her sweetheart, and I am so happy, you can't think. " Adieu, dear Mr. Evergreen, " ETHELINDE. " P. S. I intend to send you some bride cake to dream upon." * To ANTHONY EVERGREEN, present. " Dear Tony, " Quiz my wig, if I haven't done the business popped the prescription entirely without the blunt you know dad wouldn't come down troubled with the shorts quite at sea d 1 a harbour my boy popped the prescription bills paid plenty of the real stuff tailor be hanged gig afloat- clear the streets d ee if I spare a single piggy in all Broadway. Off to pop the question to Eth- elinde. "Yours, Tony exquisite Tony, " RANDIE DANDIE." We hope the most skeptical reader is now satis- SALMAGUNDI. 75 fied. If not, let him expire in the miseries of in curable ignorance, or call at my lodgings, where he shall see the originals of the foregoing letters, with the exception of the signatures. Once more then, we invite the good people of the republic to make known their grievances, by letter or other wise. The transmission will be free of expense, provided our patients will send their letters, under cover, to John Josselin, Esq., of this city, whose situation entitles him to a frank. He has also kindly offered to forward our answers, having no scruples on that head, ever since he heard of a member of Congress sending home his linen by mail to be washed, and an adjutant-general who franked his old boots to Philadelphia to be mended. The following letter from an elderly young lady, high in the fashionable world, is given without any comment. Our youthful female readers may take her either as an example or a warning, just as they like. "To LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. " SIR, " THE first object of my mother, who was an ex ceedingly plain woman, and had been much neg lected in her youth on that account, was to make me a beauty. I was early put to the torture of 76 . i .. SALMAGUNDI. corsets, and never suffered to show my face to the blessed sun for fear of spoiling my complexion. Before I could read I had a dancing-master, and knew how to behave myself like a little woman long before I could write my name. Luckily, my other sisters, of whom I had two, resembled our mother in the plainness of their appearance, and of consequence they were left to the acquirement of those commonplace accomplishments, which are entirely beneath the attention of more fortunate young ladies who have blue eyes, fine complexions, and foolish names. Accordingly, while I was stunned by music-masters, tortured by dancing- masters, and half crazed with Italian and French teachers, my sisters, like poor Cinderella, were kept to household affairs, and confined to a plain; English education. " For my part, I had so many things to learn, that I never learned any thing. I had a master for every hour of the day, and one lesson succeeded another so rapidly, that the footsteps of one were obliterated by the other, long before they could make any permanent impression. My Italian-mas ter was a half crazy poet, and my music-master was a half mad musician. The poet wrote operas, the musician set them to music, and they were per formed at our house, to the delight of numerous fashionable audiences. Of course they could not help being in raptures with my performance ; and of course the vanity of being the heroine in these SALMAGUNDI. 77 exhibitions, made me despise the more solid acqui sitions, which escape the notice of the world, and only make a woman more valuable, without giving her eclat in the circles of fashion. " At last I came out at a splendid ball my mother gave on purpose to introduce me with proper dig nity. I went through all my accomplishments danced a gavot with my dancing-master, who was invited on purpose sung an Italian duet with the signior, and talked bad French with every puppy in the room. In a word, I was, to use the fashionable singsong, young, rich, beautiful, and accomplished, and incense fell upon my head like showers from heaven. My mother was the hap piest of mothers, and I the happiest of daughters for my masters were all discharged, and I had a train of at least twenty beaux. " It is nothing to be a belle and a beauty, unless one can break hearts, and commit murders with one's eyes. My ambition was to be the death of some distinguished youth, and to establish my claims to beauty as men do to courage, by killing my man. I had heard of men dying for love, and was determined to bring about this wonder if possi ble. The great secret of a coquette is to play upon the vanity, of men, by making each believe himself the favourite. This is the very essence of coquetry, and without being a complete adept in this mode of deception, n jne can pretend to univer sal conquest. 78 SALMAGUNDI. " The first heart I tried to break was that of a young medical student, the son of a rich southern planter. He was a very Orondates in love, so far as talking went, and so sentimental, that he could weep just when he pleased. His susceptibility was so keen, that he was always in love ; but it must be confessed that Cupid never, on any occa sion that I ever heard of, betrayed him into the imprudence of falling in love with a lady of no for tune. In a few weeks an engagement took place between us, and he went home to break the affair to his parents, while I, not liking to be idle, en gaged myself, in the course of the spring, to three others. While I was waiting impatiently for the young squire's return, word was brought me that he had certainly married a young lady, the only daughter of a gentleman whose plantation adjoined that of his father. " He got the start of me, but I was resolved to make the others pay for it. So I played them off one against the other, and made such a delightful medley of hopes, fears, and jealousies, that I was in good hopes one or other would die outright. But for all this, they, every soul of them, grew fat, in spite of love and corsets, and I was credibly informed, not one of them ever lost a night's rest or a meal of victuals on my account. As a last resort, I dismissed them all, one after the other, in the expectation that at least they would make the tour of Europe for the purpose of recovering their SALMAGUNDI. 79 spirits. My mortification was excessive, to find myself mistaken again. Not one of them left the city in consequence, and I was deprived even of the pleasure of letting out the secret of their dis missal, as well as my mother, whose pride con sisted in these things. Would you believe it, sir, they told it wherever they went, and what is more, some of the oldfashioned frumps of the city took upon themselves to call my conduct unprincipled. " I forbear to tire your patience with the history of all my attempts to arrive at the highest pinnacle of female glory by killing my man. Bachelors, widowers, and bucks it was all one to me, my in tention was absolute, and for six years, I may safely say, I never remitted my endeavours for a single day. Neither Alexander, nor Bonaparte, ever fag ged through such tedious and laborious years to conquer kingdoms, as I did to conquer hearts. In two instances, I thought I had succeeded in killing my man. " The first was an old bachelor of sixty-two or three, whose heart, if he ever had any, was long since ossified, but whose vanity, for that was his only passion, I so worried, fed, and starved, that at length, to my great delight, he fell sick and died. My exultation was beyond measure, and my dear, kind mother, who was a party to all my schemes, actually shed tears of joy on the occasion. Our triumph, however, did not last long, for on ques tioning his physicians closely on the subject, they 80 SALMAGUNDI* at last confessed, that my old beau had died of an asthma of thirty years standing. " The next man I thought 1 had killed was a dandy, who had travelled over Europe, and brought home all the requisites to make him pass for a well- shaped man. He had, as I was informed, ma chines for putting on his coat, lacing his corsets drawing on his boots, and tying his cravat and he possessed fourscore and ten brushes of different kinds. Here was a man worth killing, and ac cordingly I essayed all my powers, and launched sunbeams from my eyes that would have melted the thick-ribbed ice of the poles. But they could not melt the thick ribs of his corsets, and for a long time I despaired of penetrating the stuffing and harness that incased his heart. " One night at a ball, I thought, however, he look ed rather unwell, and believing this a fine oppor tunity to make an impression upon his whalebone, I asked with as much, and, to confess the truth, a little more tenderness than became my sex and situation, 'what ailed him?' On a sudden, he threw up his eyes, turned pale, placed his hand on his heart, heaved a long sigh, and dropped down dead at my feet. " I screamed a dreadful scream, but did not faint, on account of my anxiety to know whether the poor man was dead or not. Luckily, my fears were soon calmed. A physician happened to be present, who directed him to be carried into another room, SALMAGUNDI. 81 where his corsets were unlaced, and an attempt was made to bleed him. But he was gone, and the doctor affirmed that his untimely death was occasioned by the quantity of pickled oysters he had taken, and the tightness of his corsets. My mother and I, however, have ever since looked very sober and mysterious whenever the affair is mentioned, and always take care to whisper about, that my refusal occasioned the catastrophe. " In the meantime, I am arrived at the age of thirty, and my conquests have lately been limited to those itinerant foreigners who come from no one knows whence belong to nobody knows who get into society no one knows how, and disappear no one knows where. To be the death even of such a thing would be something ; and it is very certain that one of these mysterious personages did unaccountably shoot himself last winter. My mother insists it was on my account; but there are various other reasons given, and as the man is not likely to die of it, I don't insist upon my claim to this high honour. " In consequence of the neglect of our native beaux, my mother is convinced that the taste of the men is getting to be very depraved, and we have it now seriously in contemplation to take a trip to Europe. As I have a tolerable fortune, and it is the fashion to paint abroad, I can easily make up for the loss of my youthful bloom, and have little doubt of being able to entrap a German baron, or D3 82 SALMAGUNDI. perhaps a knight companion of the Bath, and be called a lady. We are going to Ballston next month, and if nothing better offers there, shall go abroad in the autumn. Perhaps you may hear from me before we sail. " Adieu, so long, " AURELIA. "P. S. I forgot to tell you my sisters are both well-married, and live happily and respectably enough, though their husbands are not person* of fashion." FROM MY ELBOW CHAIR. "HARDE TYMES." Harde tymes, be whenne poore raenne get noughte to eate ; Harde tymes, be whenne poore menne canne get noe worko * Harde tymes, be whenne ye colde wyndes bravelye beate, Ande babes ynne fyrelesse chymnye corners lurke. Butte shame onne them, whoe harde tymes idlie plaine Whenne pamper'd plentie laughes hymme through ye lande, And wheaten loaves be halfe as bigge againe, And poore menne thanke theyre starres wythe uprays'd hande I HAPPENED yesterday to be in company with some half a dozen wiseacres, who were discussing the subject of the present scarcity of money and stagnation of business. Each one had his theory SALMAGUNDI. 83 to account for this state of things, and each had his remedy, which would be effectual, if it could only be adopted. One maintained, that the present scarcity of money was entirely owing to the India trade another to the peace in Europe a third to the banks a fourth to the brokers a fifth to the want of encouragement to domestic manufactures -while the sixth had not yet decided, whether the scarcity of money was owing to the stagnation of business, or the stagnation of business to the scarcity of money. All, however, were for calling stoutly upon Congress, that sturdy modern repub lican Hercules, which, it seems, is to get every man's wheel out of the mire. Instead of repres sing that spendthrift spirit which has grown up of late years in this country, where the extravagance of the people has more than doubled the speed with which wealth has been acquired, everybody seems to think that legislative aid can remedy his wants, and cure every evil, moral and political. Experience, however, will teach its lesson at last. When all the temporizing expedients shall have failed, and when the final effect of each is found only to sooth for a moment the disease, which soon returns with aggravated malignity, it will then be discovered, that the way to make business flourish, and money plenty, is simply to spend less than we earn. In short, we shall then arrive at the impor tant truth, that political regulations are not the best possible specifics for moral evil that acts of Con- 84 SALMAGUNDI. gress can neither change the direction, nor mitigate the force of habit ; and that what depends solely on ourselves cannot be performed by others. We have not delegated to our government the power of passing sumptuary laws repressing the extrava gance of our citizens, nor is it in the power of Con gress, I fear, to enable those to pay their debts who are without money or credit. They cannot pave the streets with precious stones, nor roof our houses with plates of gold. Extravagance is the disease, economy is the remedy. A man like myself, whose " business in the state makes him a looker-on here in Vienna" who is without the temptation of avarice to stimulate him to speculate, and whose vanity has other modes of gratification than mere wealth can furnish, often sees what escapes the notice of actors in these busy scenes, and without being wiser than they, may suggest what is useful. I would wish neither to pass for a censor or a satirist, but to appear sim ply in the plain unassuming character of a merry old bachelor, who, if he can do nothing else, can sometimes give advice to those whom example and inexperience have led astray. A habit of thoughtless extravagance in young married people, particularly females, is certainly one of the most common, as well as fatal charac teristics of the present time. It is owing less to the fault of the youthful girl, brought up with a total disregard to economy, married without experi- SALMAGUNDI. 85 ence in life, and kept by her husband in ignorance of his real resources, than to the mischievous, nay, cruel carelessness of the parent, who too often neither furnishes example or precept ; and the ten der, though mistaken affection of the husband, whose false pride, or perhaps something better, restrains his confidence until it comes too late. Among the most weak and wasteful habits of modern vanity, is that of filling a house with expen sive and grotesque decorations, so costly, that a mansion cannot now be genteelly furnished, as it is called, for less than the price of the dwelling itself. Akin to this silly extravagance, is the practice of dressing infants in all the flaming finery of grown up fine ladies and gentlemen. Independent of the expense of this folly, which will be found very ma terial in these difficult times, the effect on the future destiny of the child cannot be otherwise than mischievous, because it awakens earlier that latent feeling of vanity, which, in proportion to its strength or its weakness, gives a character to ma turity. No one can recollect when they received that bias, which decided the colour of their future life; it must consequently be decided by our most early impressions. The habits of youth are much more easily acquired than obliterated; and nothing is more certain, than that children brought up in the indulgence of fine clothes, will find it hard -to dispense with them when they come to furnish themselves. It is extremely probable, 8 86 that rather than resign what custom has made to appear indispensable, they will resort to running in debt, or to other means equally, perhaps, more fatal, The other morning I went to see a young friend of mine, who, with a world of amiable qualities and a deal of good sense, has, I fear, been seduced by the example of those around him, into a style of living quite disproportioned to his actual reve nue. He had a small fortune ; but it was invested by him, and is subject to all the accidents of com merce, and I understand he has followed the fash ion, and traded far beyond his capital. His wife was a spoiled, thoughtless young girl, who never, while single, dreamed of the necessity or possibility of checking a desire for expensive gratifications, and who has been, since her marriage, kept in equal ignorance even of a suspicion, that prudence and economy were the cardinal virtues of a wife and a mother. I found her with three little children, the eldest about seven years old, all dressed out for a walk ; and as I love to witness the lively wonder and un disguised sensations of childish inexperience, I took the youngest by the hand, and accompanied the little cavalcade into the street. I could not help amusing myself with the finery which the little things displayed about their persons. The two girls were dressed in pink bonnets, eked out with bows and bouquets of artificial flowers, and wore . under them a cap richly worked, and bordered with SALMAGUNDI. 87 fine lace. Their dress consisted of a fine worked muslin frock, flounced and furbelowed to the knees, over which was a kind of open muslin robe, lined with silk, and edged with lace. The eldest wore silk stockings, but the other cotton, I suppose from the difficulty of getting silk ones sufficiently small. The boy was equipped in the finest broadcloth, so gorgeously bespotted with gilt buttons, that he might almost have passed for a new constellation, if he had been suspended in the air, like the little Cupids at the theatre. As we proceeded, I began heartily to repent of my gallantry in undertaking to escort this prema ture fine lady. Every gewgaw she saw in the shop windows excited her desires she cried for every thing she saw, and was gratified with every thing she cried for. The good, but weak mother, soon emptied her purse, and succeeded in quieting her for a time, at an expense that would have main tained an industrious frugal family for a week. The cheap toys which formerly answered the end, will by no means satisfy the matured taste of an embryo fine lady of four years old. Unluckily for our walk, the little creature took a fancy to the clock of St. Paul's, which happened just then to strike ; and as this could not be conveniently pro cured, she began to cry so piteously, that the mother, to my great relief, adjourned our little party home-; and it is my opinion, that this is the last act of gallantry of the kind I shall ever commit. 88 SALMAGUNDI. Returning home, and seating myself in my el bow chair, I indulged in that inveterate propensity to elevate the past at the expense of the present, which is the invariable characteristic of age. I had arranged a most virulent attack on this extrav agant and preposterous mode of decking out babies in all the expensive trappings of the present mode ; and to give the full effect to my declamations, con trasted this custom with the sober grace and ra tional economy of my younger days. At this pre cise moment, however, my attention was suddenly arrested, and my flow of enthusiasm checked by the sight of a picture, which has for more than forty years decorated my apartment. It was painted by a famous artist of the times, who ex celled in communicating to his likenesses that in veterate rigidity of muscle, and that inimitable motionless dignity, by which the pictures of that day are so peculiarly distinguished. I cannot tell his name, for the painters of those days were too modest to appropriate their productions in that manner, and quietly left them to the connoisseurs, to be placed to the credit of Guido, Michael An- gelo, or at least Sir Godfrey Kneller, or old Nich olas Vandyke. All I can venture to assert is, that the author of this valuable picture was born before the discovery of that admirable improvement in the art, by the aid of which likenesses may be painted with such wonderful skill, and the colours so dex terously compounded, as to sympathize, as it were, SALMAGUNDI. 80 with the originals, fading as they fade, and becom ing pale, sickly, and deathlike, in proportion as age steals over the features, marking them for the tomb. It is a decided proof of inferiority in the old masters, that their colours never faded, and consequently that their portraits only resembled the originals at the precise moment they were painted, and were consequently mere representa tives of the past instead of the present. This de ficiency is however remedied in a great measure, by the improvement in mixing and compounding colours, which I have just noticed, and which is no doubt one of the invaluable results of those vast improvements in the science of chymistry, which distinguish this age beyond all others. The picture to which the foregoing observations refer, represented Christopher Cockloft and his pa rents, in the costume of some threescore years ago, when the squire was about eight years old. I have nothing to say against the old lady's cap, which was most inimitably plaited, nor the lace, starched as stiff as a network of silver wire nor against her brocade, which could have stood its ground alone in the worst of times nor, last of all, against the long thin waist, and high-heeled shoes. Still less will I impugn the old gentleman's great wig with luxuriant wooden curls his coat without a cape, but incommoded with cuffs, that made am ple amends for the absence of twenty capes. I reverence all these, and more especially, the laced 90 SALMAGUNDI. cravat, and point ruffles at the wristbands, the lat ter of which, like the long nails of the Chinese, afforded irrefragable proof of the gentility of the wearer, since they precluded the possibility of ap propriating the hands to any useful purpose. But by your leave, Cousin Christopher, I do not mean to give quarter to a single thread of thy buckram, for thou didst exhibit a most uncommon specimen of a species of dandy now altogether ex tinct in real life. The reader may recollect he was about eight years of age. His face, as exhib ited in the picture, was short and round, like the Spectator's, and indeed like all the family, whose physiognomy has been modified by the contempla tion of the Chinese paper in the Hall. Over this short face he wore a bag wig, the effect of which, not being transferable to my paper, I shall leave to the imagination of the reader. His other cos tume consisted of a full suit of snuff-coloured cloth, made precisely after the pattern of that inimitable stiffness which distinguished that of his father. His cuffs exuberant his waistcoat handsomely embroidered with either strawberries or pumpkins, it is difficult to decide and the flaps reached about halfway down his thighs, by reason of which, and of the shortness of his breeches, which came just below his kneepan, his limbs looked marvellously, in shape and colour, like those of a brown grass hopper. His legs were of the true uniformity which I have invariably detected, in the represent- SALMAGUNDI. 91 ations of human figures, old and young, at that date high insteps, and thin ankles, tapering up most elegantly and gracefully towards a little round calf, modestly retreating, as it were, behind the knee. At his shoes, the upper-leathers of which did incontinently aspire towards the midway of the leg, he wore a pair of little buckles, not unlike to the bucks of the present day, and the same at his kneebands. Under his arm he carried a chapeau bras, which I would have given something consid erable to have seen on his head and at his hip a formidable steel-hilted sword, which the painter, to show his knowledge of antique costume, had placed on the right side, in imitation of a Roman soldier. It appeared that this was the young squire's hunting-dress, as he carried a gun in his hand, and something suspected to be a pointer dog lies in an obscure corner of the picture. The best part of the exhibition was the expression of unut terable pride, of swelling, overflowing satisfaction, with which the good parents contemplated this truly inimitable figure. - I honestly confess, this unlucky picture pre sented a serious bar to the flow of my enthusiasm in favour of the simplicity and economy of past times. I could not help acknowledging little Chris topher was a fair set-off against the little fine lady, and that his dress, without being as graceful and convenient, was quite as expensive. Indeed, with all due leaning in favour of my youthful days, I 02 SALMAGUNDI. was compelled to confess to myself, that in this respect, at least, the world had not degenerated so much as I had fondly believed. I was quite soriy for this, for one loves to make the degeneracy of the world answer for what is generally the conse quence of the blunted perceptions and repining spirit of old age. My strictures on the folly and extravagance of dressing up little babies in the expensive trappings of fine ladies, were, however, by this untoward pic ture, abruptly terminated. No moralist can rail with proper effect, at the present, without the aid of the past ; and I joined the tea-table at the Hall, where I had made a little Saturday afternoon visit, determined to make amends for my disappointment, by laughing at my worthy cousin most unmerci fully. He disarmed me, however, at the very first thrust, by affirming that the children of those days never dressed in the style in which he was exhib ited, except to get their likenesses taken ; it being considered a sort of classical costume, similar to that given to modern statues, to make them look as little like the originals as possible. Mrs. Cock loft, as usual, supported her husband, by assuring me that there was never more than one such suit in a family, and that it was the most economical possible, because, as it was never worn but upon this and similar occasions, and as the fashions never changed, it lasted out a whole generation, and did just as well for the youngest as for the SALMAGUNDI. 93 eldest son. I was exceedingly comforted with these assurances, as they will enable me to resume my strictures with a good conscience, although, as Evergreen says, I can't vouch for their correctness, as these matters " happened before my time" 94 SALMAGUNDI. No. III. SATURDAY, JULY 31, 1819 FROM MY ELBOW CHAIR. ON returning to take a peep at the world, after an absence of some half a score of years, I was struck with the vast increase of old bachelors and maids that had taken place in that time. Many blooming young creatures, whom I had left with a train of admirers, out of which the most fastidious maiden might have gratified her capricious fancy, have faded into the autumn of single blessedness, and become members of charitable societies for want of something else to do. On the other hand, many of our young fellows, who, at the time I am speaking of, were most promising candidates for matrimony, have degenerated into dissipated bach elors, who go every summer to the springs, to wind up the clock for the winter's campaign, and look out for rich wives. In short, there is no end to the number of old maids and old bachelors, among the higher classes in our city, who bid fair to re main so all their lives, so that in process of time, some of our best families will be extinct. There are now, in the various branches of the Cockloft family, no less than twenty-seven prom- SALMAGUNDI. 95 ising candidates of both sexes, including myself, besides nearly an equal number in some other an cient families, I do not take the liberty to mention by name* Though a bachelor myself, I think it my duty to encourage matrimony by precept, although various substantial reasons have prevented my doing it by example. Every nation is not fitted for the enjoy ment of liberty, neither can every man bear the uncircumscribed freedom of a single life* Mar riage keeps men out of mischief, and women from talking scandal, by giving them a motive of action, and an object for the exercise of those affections, which, if not centred in virtuous connexions, will generally lead to indulgences, neither sanctioned by moral precept nor the institutions of civilized society. Few and late marriages originate in ex travagant habits, and are always indicative of cor ruption and licentiousness of manners. In Europe, where perhaps they have carried certain social re finements somewhat beyond us, there is most un doubtedly a greater relaxation of matrimonial ties. It generally happens that the eldest son, among the higher classes, is the only one that can afford to marry. The others being left to the patronage of the family interest, become adventurers in the different professions fortune-hunters in the city circles, or mischievous idlers in drawing-rooms, where they' not unfrequently amuse their leisure hours, and repay the hospitality of the husband 96 SALMAGUNDI. by undermining the principles of his wife, and rob bing his children of a mother. For these reasons, I don't like to see the num ber of bachelors and old maids increasing at this mischievous and alarming rate. The principles of very few men can resist the temptations of lone liness, and all women are not born with the good sense and the good temper, to enable them to with stand the united force of ridicule and neglect. Not even The Balance of Comfort, and other novels, written with the benevolent view of recon ciling them to their destiny, can subdue the heart and the affections to the prospect of lingering out a life of barren uselessness, lengthened in all prob ability beyond the existence of every natural and accustomed protector, and passed away either in lonely selfishness, or dependance on those who will make them feel their situation. Custom, which makes laws for nature herself, has made parents and husbands the only honoura ble protectors of single women, and, though it may sometimes happen that brothers and married sisters afford them a comfortable and generous support, experience for the most part justifies the belief that it is only with the parent, or a husband, that a wo man feels her dependance a blessing rather than a curse. With such prospects before them, it is no wonder that single women past a certain age are apt to become soured with the world, and sel dom take much pains to find out the good qualities SALMAGUNDI. 97 of those around them. Far be it from me to say this is always the case. I have the happiness to be acquainted with more than one lady of this description, who fills the station of her choice with as much dignity as usefulness, and whose delight ful vivacity makes her the charm of the domestic circle, as well as the favourite of society. Taking every thing into consideration, however, I am fully convinced that it is best for the great mass of mankind to marry, while they can carry into domestic life a reasonable stock of sensibility. This being my serious opinion, I had been, ever since my return to town, busy in seeking for the causes of this alarming increase of what Tippy Tittipup quaintly denominates " unproductive cap ital." Conversing on the subject two or three months ago, with my friend Sophy Sparkle, who joins to a great deal of experience a habit of quick observation, the fruits of which are tempered by that fine-edged judgment which some women pos sess, she let me into the secret at once. The read er shall know exactly how it happened, if he will only have a little patience. Entering her parlour, as I am accustomed to do, without ceremony, I could not help exclaiming " Good heavens, madam, what a melancholy display of autumnal fruits I was going to say of autum nal leaves, rather, are to be seen in the streets this fine morning. Belles of thirty, I mean, dressed in all the colours of our October woods. And then VOL. i. E 9 96 SALMAGUNDI. to see them paired, or rather, to carry on the figure, supported by such venerable weather-beaten trunks, in the shape of dandies of forty, playing off the vivacity of eighteen* What can be the reason of this, my dear madam ? Formerly it was some dis tinction to be an old bachelor it was a sort of luxury which few partook of but if I live ten years longer, as I shall certainly do, being little more than sixty-five, to all human appearance, I shall be obliged to marry, if it is only to keep up my singularity. You have been in the world lately I out of it unriddle how all this has come to pass ?" "Look," said the lady, "at these gilded ser pents their mouths, you see, are wide open against matrimony. Admire these Wilton carpets, ratteen chairs, looking-glasses reaching from the pier-table to the ceiling these curtains, whose price is above rubies. Lastly, look at me, not that I expect you to fall in love with my person. Look at me. I carry the riches of the four quarters of the globe about this little frame of mine. Above all, look at this little woman of four years old, just dressed for a morning's walk. You see she is decked out like her mother and her education already begins to form a notable item in our family expenses. We have four children two boys and two girls. The first dress in nothing but the finest broadcloths, and the others run up milliners' bills, that I suppose would frighten the very rats of Cockloft Hall, All SALMAGUNDI. 99 these are so many arguments against matrimony. Can you wonder, then, at the number of old belles and beaux about town ?" " But, madam, if people can afford these elegant luxuries, and have such rosy-cheeked cherubs as this withal, I don't see how they can possibly oper ate against the state of matrimony. Explain your self, most divine Pythia, for, in honest truth, you put me in mind, sitting there on that indescribable sofa, tripod, or whatsoever else it may be called, of a sorceress bewitching and puzzling mankind with oracular obscurities, promulgated in the midst of hissing serpents and fiery dragons." " How dull you are this morning," answered my lively friend ; " don't you perceive, that, though my husband has a certain income which enables him to afford all this, yet, if these luxuries are now con sidered as indispensable accompaniments to matri mony, among everybody above the rank of pau pers, this must necessarily prevent a vast number from marrying at all ; or, if they do marry, cause them to run in debt, and be ruined in the end." " But how, madam, can all this frippery be so indispensable ? People can live now as they used to do can't they according to their means, or their certain prospects ? There is no actual neces sity, I suppose, for people with little to begin the world, to enter into a competition with those who are rich.** " Mr. Launcelot Langstaff, you have certainly 100 SALMAGUNDI. been living in the root-house at Cockloft Hall for the last ten years necessity ! What is necessity ? Why, nothing more than the law which obliges people of a certain something, or somewhat, which seems to designate them as fellow-creatures in fashionable society, to do as others do. Nobody now, not even beggars, can put up with the mere decent comforts of life. The beggar must have money as well as meat and with those who only borrow without paying, a certain portion of style is absolutely requisite to enable them to exist. If two young people of our acquaintance were ac tually in the last stage of modern love, dying for each other, they would no more think of marrying than hanging, unless they could live in a three story house, in a fashionable street, with plenty of gilt alligators, dragons, and serpents." Just at this moment a great knock was heard, and Sophy, as is sometimes customary with well- bred ladies, taking a peep from the corner of the window, observed, in a low tone " Now you shall see a living specimen of what I have attempted to describe. Here comes a predestined old maid, and a bachelor in perspective." A pair of fashion ables now came in, dressed in the extreme of the present modes, which I would describe, were not the thing impossible. As they took me for some country neighbour of Sophy's, they paid no more attention to me than if I had been a piece of oldfashioned furniture, SALMAGUNDI. 101 long out of date -so they talked on without the least regard to the presence of a stranger. The gentleman took frequent occasion to make honoura ble mention of his horses one of which, he actually swore, had trotted seventeen miles an hour, over Hempstead plain his dinners and suppers at different hotels ; his wagers of wine ; his bettings at various times made up the residue of his con versation ; and he found means to convince me, in a few minutes, that he must be either very rich, or that, to use a phrase of Tippy Tittipup, the trades men "had not yet smoked the joke." The little belle was giving an account of a party given by Mrs. Brutus M'Wiggen the night before, and where she wore a dress, the cost of which made my wig stand an end. To make the moral of this exhibition more striking, Sophy mischie vously drew her out, by admiring first her bonnet, then her shawl, her laced veil, her frock, and lastly, her very shoes, which I observed were of white satin. She inquired the cost of each article, which I committed to memory, and upon summing up, the whole amounted to three hundred and forty- three dollars. With the exception of one or two articles, this dress would require renewing three or four times a year, so that the clothing of this little piece of mortality certainly could not come to less than a thousand a year. This sum, accord ing to Mr. Birkbeck, would pay for the building of about thirty of such houses as the better sort 102 SALMAGUNDI. of people inhabit in Illinois and the other new states. I was, to say the truth, not a little amused with the nonchalance of the young creature, who spoke of throwing away money as if she had an exchange bank at her command. All her ideas of enjoyment were connected with the gratification of this dangerous propensity to extravagance. I was exceedingly struck with an observation she made in reply to Sophy Sparkle, who admired the working of her frock, and affected to believe it was done by herself " Lord, no," said she ; " you don't think I would take the trouble. The truth is, muslin is so cheap that it would be quite vulgar to wear it, if the cost was not increased ten times over by the work and trimmings." When they were gone, I inquired the names of these visiters, observing that I wondered I did not recollect them, as they must belong to people of great wealth. "That is more than I can tell," replied she ; " all I know is, that the father of the young lady is every three or four days running after my husband to borrow money to take up his notes. As for the young man, his father was a bankrupt about two years ago, and I believe has nothing but what he could make by a successful speculation of that sort. The son lives by his wits, I imagine, or by the present stock of credulity still left among tradesmen but I grow scandalous, and invite you to a walk in Broadway."" In the name of heaven !" exclaimed I, " what will be the SALMAGUNDI. 103 end of all this ?" " Old bachelors and old maids," answered the lady, smiling, as the servant brought in the little fine lady, dressed out for a walk in all the colours of the rainbow. ,;ij /ii*&*lii>i to t&oog *($''' ^ Lino*- Ji id^wfe . v toil it i , : .^ * si I sfoi 'if J iitafi ". il '; i, IjJ.U -JO"^ /'.K' ,. >; - '->":.'' I-..''/ TO LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. " New-York, July Qth, 1819. " SIR, "As you profess to give advice in all difficult cases of matrimony, I wish to consult you on mine. The short and the long of the matter is, I am the envy of all my married acquaintance, and the most unhappy creature you can imagine. My husband, everybody says, is the best husband in the world, and yet he is continually trying my temper, be cause nothing in this world puts him in a passion. Did he merely reserve his passive good-nature for me and the children, I might take it as a compli ment, and feel some little gratitude ; but the mis fortune is, that he destroys the value of the whole thing by making it so common. " The other day, a man who brought home a purchase, was so impertinent as to insinuate that I had agreed to pay more for it than I really did ; upon this I felt so angry that I called my husband out of his study, who, instead of taking my part, 104 SALMAGUNDI. and turning the impudent fellow out of the house, very coolly paid the demand, and contented him self with observing, ' My dear, whenever you buy any thing of people you don't know, always ask for a bill.' I was in such a fume, that if I had thought it would have done any good, or rather any harm, I would have lectured him finely. " Another time, our youngest boy got into a fight with the son of one of the neighbours, who was almost twice as large as our poor little fellow, who came home with his face all scratched, and his clothes covered with mud. I was just putting on my bonnet to go over and expostulate with the mother of this good-for-nothing boy, who every body said began the quarrel, when my husband came in. Upon this I told him the story, and in sisted upon his going himself, and seeing the boy well whipped. But no not a foot would my good man stir. All I could get out of him was, ' My dear, boys must fight sometimes as well as men, and it is best to let them settle their own quarrels.' " In short, my dear Mr. Langstaff, I have no patience with him, that is the honest truth. I have tried, merely as a curious experiment, to put him out of temper, but in vain. I opposed his politics, his religion, his plans of every kind I found fault with his dress, his furniture, house, carriage, every thing ; and the other day, on his bringing me home a beautiful dress as a present on the return of our wedding-day, turned up my nose and (heaven SALMAGUNDI. 105 forgive me) declared it the most vulgar, oldfashion- ed thing I had ever seen. All wouldn't do. He only replied, * My dear, the people who sold it told me it was of the newest pattern.' This was beyond all bearing ; I could stand it no longer. I flung out of the room, exclaiming, ' Why don't you get angry, you stupid man ?' and just heard him reply, as I shut the door ' Angry, my dear what should I be angry about?' " Seeing my husband so mild on all occasions, under the most trying provocations, I began at one time to suspect that all this proceeded from cow ardice ; but this suspicion was done away by his joining a volunteer company during the late war, and distinguishing himself at the encampment on Haerlem Common, in such a manner that his ex cellency, the present commander-in-chief, lately brevetted him for his services. I have therefore lost all hope of frightening him into a passion, and, as a last resort, am fain to apply to you, for your advice on this melancholy occasion. " I am, Mr. Langstaff, your unhappy " JOHANNA FRETT." TO LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. " Charleston, July IGth, 1819. " SIR, "Everybody says I am the most miserable creature in the world, and what everybody says, E 3 106 SALMAGUNDI. you know, must be so. My husband, it is true, is one of the best of men, only that he never happens to be in a good-humour in his own house, except when we have company. He keeps all his sweets for out-door exhibition, and treats me to the bitters. I never saw a man so altered. Before we were married, he never contradicted me and since, he has never agreed with me, except once, when he unwarily assented to an exclamation of mine, on breaking a fine dish of cut glass that ' I was the most careless creature in the world.' Recollecting himself, however, he immediately insisted it was not carelessness, but sheer wilful design, for the purpose of spoiling his temper and running him into new expenses. " When he is home, I dread his going abroad, for I know he will make himself amends for the restraint he puts on his peevishness, by letting out bravely when he returns ; and when abroad, I dread his coming home, from painful experience of what I am to expect. The children are so much afraid of him, that their apprehensions when in his pres ence make them pass for idiots when he asks them to say their lessons, or repeat some of the little stories I teach them; and the servants are sure to commit some awkward blunder, from the very pains they take to avoid it. For my part, I was born with a spirit of endurance, and my dis position is to love, honour, and obey the being who protects and supports me and my children. It SALMAGUNDI. 107 is my ambition to exhibit to my husband, when ever he passes the threshold, a smiling and happy home such as a good-natured man would delight to return to, and even a peevish one could not behold without complacency. But indeed, Mr. Langstaff, I begin to despair, and my efforts are now saddened, with almost hopeless despondency. Endurance, acquiescence, complaisance, and sub mission, seem but to pamper this infirmity ; and I fear that myself and my little children are doomed to be the patient victims of an unconquerable habit of peevishness, " Do not suppose, Mr. Langstaff, that I can ever be brought to a state of indifference to this treat ment of my husband. Peevish though he be, he possesses many of those qualities which win the lasting affections of our sex, who are born to cherish and reward them. He is generous and brave, and his talents have gained him the admira tion of his friends. In short, he is worthy of a woman's affection, notwithstanding his peevishness, which I am sure originates more from habit than a malignant pleasure in giving pain. Neither can I ever get used to this mode of finding fault with every thing. We may become reconciled to pov erty we may submit to occasional unkindness, if it be followed by returning endearment we may resist our affections, and conquer our antipathies ; but to pass through life under the irritation of per- 108 SALMAGUNDI. petual and growing peevishness, is not in the phi losophy of woman ; at least, not in mine. " My last hope is from you. My husband is a man of sense ; for were he a fool, I should neither love him, nor hope for his reformation from any thing that you or I could say. Should he ever redd this letter, it may touch his heart to hear, what perhaps may not have caught his attention for the habit of doing a thing often blinds us to its conse quences that by the indulgence of this fretful ir ritability, he is deadening the affections and stinting the minds of his children, at the moment that the heart of their mother is breaking. " In the meantime, if there be any charm in your possession to sooth the irritations of a long-indulged habit of complaint if there be any thing in your philosophy, Mr. Langstaif, to enable me to subdue, or to endure, this worst species of domestic torture, I beseech you not to withhold it a moment. I rest in hope, " Your anxious friend, "JANE IRBY." I never was more puzzled in my life than with respect to the management of these two exceed ingly difficult, not to say desperate cases. The good-humour of the first, and the ill-humour of the second gentleman, seems equally obstinate and be yond the reach of cure A habit of acquiescence in the little rubs that lie in every path of life, how- SALMAGUNDI. 109 ever smooth it may be, or a like habit of stumbling over every straw, and getting out of patience with the most trifling matter, constitute the great differ ence in the mass of mankind, and shape not only their destinies, but those of the little circle around them. With respect to the provoking good-natured husband, I would advise the lady to begin with affecting an utter indifference to every thing that excites uncommon interest in his mind to be al ways sad when he is in spirits, and always merry when he is melancholy. If this don't answer, let her throw in an ill-cooked dinner two or three days in succession. If this is not sufficient, let her find fault with his poetry, if he writes any, which I think cannot fail of doing the business. With regard to my other amiable and unfortu nate correspondent, my advice is limited to one single attempt. Let her try what she can do by turning the tables upon Mr. Irby, putting him on the defensive, by being ten times as peevish as himself, and beginning to find fault before he has any chance. This habit of fretful peevishness is a weak, cowardly habit, which often shrinks before the least opposition ; it grows with patient acqui escence, but is not unfrequently quelled if the worm but turns. Perhaps too, as Mr. Irby is a man of sense, he may perceive in others the infirm ity he does not detect in himself. Examples of vice and deformity often work reformations, which those of virtue have vainly attempted. If both the 10 1 ] SALMAGUNDI. ladies should at last fail in their object, I recom mend them to change husbands, as a most infalli ble specific for their complaints. I shall conclude this paper with a letter from a gentleman, whose case I consider so desperate, that I will not trouble him with any advice, unless the lady should for tunately lose her beauty. TO LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. "Boston, 6th July, 1819. " SIR, "I had the misfortune to marry a celebrated beauty, who, while single, had been at every great city visited every public place attracted the at tention of every distinguished beau refused some, and coquetted with all. She had in fact, as it were, overrun this great country in every direction, and spared neither age nor ugliness. Of course there were no more new worlds to subdue here, and all the plain untitled citizens had become objects en tirely unworthy of conquest. Accordingly, not long after our marriage, she lost her spirits then she lost her colour then she lost her health and then, finally, nothing but a voyage to Europe could save the dear creature's life. " To the almost total ruin of my affairs, I was at last fretted into going abroad. At Paris, my wife was an object of universal admiration. The highest nobility bowed before her, and a most il lustrious legitimate monarch paid her such pointed SALMAGUNDI. Ill attentions, that her character was brought into ques tion. In short, everybody congratulated me on the possession of madame, and I was the most en vied and miserable of husbands. At last some other beautiful stroller came that way ; my charm ing madame, being no longer a novelty, began to be neglected the air of Paris consequently did not agree with her and we went over to England. " Here my wife was even more admired than at Paris. John Bull was in raptures ; the royal dukes (it was before they so patriotically married) paid her the greatest attentions, and it was whispered that a certain great personage found no fault with her, except that she was rather too young, and not sufficiently embonpoint. For my part, I soon grew sick of this business. I was invited, it is true, with my wife, but they paid no more atten tion to me at these parties than did my lady, who had been taught that it was vulgar to speak to her husband, except when she had occasion for money. My affairs at home also claimed my attention, for I assure you, no man can keep such distinguished company without paying for the honour in more ways than one. Accordingly, I gathered myself together one day, and expressed my intention to return home immediately. " Poor madame took the proposition very, very hard, and fell into hysterics ! but it would not do ; we embarked, and arrived safe in this city. Now, Mr. Langstaff, comes the wonderful part of the 112 SALMAGUNDI. affair. My wife, who looked as blooming as a rose, and to every eye seemed in perfect health, had not been among her friends and in her native air one week, before her old disorder returned with its former alarming symptoms. She looked, to be sure, as usual ; she ate and slept as usual ; and if you judged by the usual symptoms, was quite well. Still she assured me her health was gradually de clining, and the other day produced a certificate from Dr. Wormwood, that nothing but a change of air would save her life. "What could a man do, Mr. LangstafT? Here was both the authority of the patient and the doc tor. I offered to travel during the whole summer, and spend the winter in Charleston I offered a voyage to Bermuda but all would not do- 2 nothing but England or France would resuscitate my poor, dear, dying darling. Such is the state of my un happy case at present. To go abroad will ruin me ; to stay at home will be the death of poor Mrs. Lambie. She can't exist, as I am credibly assured, but a few months more in this unwhole some climate ; and my determination must of course be speedy, if I wish to preserve so inestimable a treasure. I only wait, therefore, to hear from you ? when, if you can afford me no better advice, I have serious thoughts of sending her abroad, in the hope that some distinguished personage may be induced to afford her his protection till she recovers her health. SALMAGUNDI. 113 " Pray, sir, throw a little of your wisdom away upon me, and tell me what to do. " Your obedient humble servant, " LIONEL LAMBIE." It is not a little flattering that even in the first stage of our undertaking, we should be applied to by ladies of such consideration and respectability as those whose signatures are affixed to the fol lowing petition, which came to hand the very day the first number of our work was advertised to be published. That the document is perfectly genuine, we are ready to attest ; for it was sent to us with a message from a lady, with whom not only the Muses, but the Graces also, have long since taken up their permanent abode. TO LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. " The Petition of the Daughters of Mnemosyne, most humbly sheweth : " THAT your petitioners were formerly great belles, having been followed and admired in all fashionable society, ever since they appeared in the beau-monde : That on account of the antiquity of their family, being descended from Jove, as well as their elegance of mind and manners, they were accustomed to take precedence in all refined soci ety, and never failed being particularly noticed, not 114 SALMAGUNDI. only by fashionable young gentlemen, but by the literati and philosophers also : That your petition ers were always known by the name of the Nine Muses, and, though without fortune, have been ad dressed and complimented in all parts of the world, Christian and Pagan, savage and civilized, by poets and writers in all languages : That their graceful figures, appropriate decorations, happy turns of thought, and charming facility of expression, to gether with their skill in music and dancing, were the delight of the gay and serious* the witty and the wise ; and such was the magic influence they were supposed to exercise, that no poet ever thought of writing verses, until he had addressed himself to their patronage,- and conciliated their good-will. Thus admired, cherished, and beloved, they sported all the spring and summer in the rural fields, the admiration of the swains ; and if they came to spend the winter in town, were the belles of the fashionable circles, and the envy of their sex. " But of late, your petitioners are grieved to say, they have been degraded from their just pre-emi nence in the polite world, by certain vulgar intru ders, that, like upstart people grown fashionable by their wealth, have forced themselves as it were into the beau-monde, and carried off almost all their admirers. Most of these belong to the different branches of a family called the Ologies, pretending to be descended from some old Greek curmudgeon SALMAGUNDI. 115 nobody ever heard of in polite company until lately. They talk in a kind of jargon, which none but themselves can comprehend, and have attained to the reputation of great learning by that means. " The first of these ladies is the daughter of an old fellow, who ran mad and ruined his fortune in pursuit of the philosopher's stone. She was brought up, I believe, by an apothecary, and all her talk is about analyzing, and levigating, and triturating, which are things, we confess, beyond our compre hension. This lady is for ever trying experiments with glass bottles and glass pipes, and passes for a kind of witch, because she can change green into red, and red into white, quicker than a downright conjurer. She pretends to be a great adept in cookery, but though she gives frequent entertain ments, your petitioners never heard of her treating the company with any thing but experiments, ex cept on one occasion, when she persuaded them to partake of a kind of gas, as she called it, which set them all dancing and capering like Oberon's pipe. " Your petitioners have to complain of another in terloper, that has somehow got a footing in the best society. She was formerly an oyster wench, known by the nickname of Miss Conch, from hav ing a great nose, the sonorous blowing of which sounded like this fashionable musical instrument ; but she has lately attempted to disguise the lowness of her origin, by adopting the addition of the old Greek family name we mentioned. Her dress is* 116 SALMAGUNDI. covered all over with barnacles she wears peri winkles for ear-rings, and smells so of oysters, that it is a wonder how she is tolerated in good society. She is generally found in company with a little Poissarde, who disguises Tom Cods, under the name of Tom Codus fuscus, and passes them off as fish of the first science and respectability. Sev eral people have been imposed on by her decep tions, and never discovered their old friend Tom Cod, in his disguise, until they had paid their money. This young lady, forsooth ! was brought up under an eminent fishmonger near Brooklyn ferry, whence she was introduced by a learned professor, through the purlieus of the Fly market, into fashionable society. " Your petitioners beg .leave, in the next place, to enter a complaint against another of this family of usurpers, the daughter of a vulgar high-Dutch miner, who is still more fashionable than the oth ers, being younger and rather better dressed. She has picked up, in her different rambles about the world, having been a great traveller, a parcel of stones of various kinds, which she calls, by several hard names, and passes off for jewels. Your pe titioners are just informed that she has lately, how ever, imposed upon a learned professor, by selling the whole at a great price. It is said the profes sor discovered the trick, and threatened a prosecu tion ; but the lady found means to pacify him, with a promise to show him where a coal-mine was to SALMAGUNDI. 117 be found. He is now searching for it, under the direction of this lady, who has ruined vast num bers of honest people, by setting them to look for mines. " It would tire your patience, were your unfortu nate petitioners to enumerate all the individuals of this endless family, against whom they have just cause of complaint. But there are two others they cannot omit in their list of grievances. The first is such an oddity, that she is generally laughed at by sober people, but is withal exceedingly con ceited on the score of having been a great belle at Paris one whole winter. This pert miss was also born in Germany, the daughter of a sort of quack philosopher, who lectured about any thing, and always put his note-book on his daughter's head instead of a desk. By this means she fancied she became little less than a conjurer, and actually per suaded people she could tell, not only what was inside their heads, by looking at the outside, but that she could also detect the master passion which governed them, by means of a certain telltale angle which had hitherto escaped notice. She carries her illustration about in the shape of a little dog, whose facial angle exactly corresponds with that of the great Doctor Gall, and who possesses such an uncommon sagacity, that he can tell a man that is given to kicking little dogs out of the room, merely by looking at his craniology. " The last of these noisy and monopolizing in- 1 18 SALMAGUNDI. truders is one who, though a branch of the great family of the Ologies, pretends to greater antiquity than any of the others. She has but lately come out, and has not only borne away the palm from your petitioners, but likewise thrown all her younger % sisters in the back-ground. She boasts of being [descended from the primeval family, which, though by various transitions it has become rather second ary in many parts of this country, is yet consid ered the most ancient of all the genealogical or geological families extant. The little minx like wise passes herself off for a great heiress, not only by reason of her claim to certain rich bottoms along our rivers, which she affirms belonged to her rela tions, the Alluvial family, but also from a certain pretended art, by which she boasts of being able, with proper materials, to create whole districts of country, and compound the finest wheat and tobac co lands in the world. In consequence of these high pretensions of birth and fortune, all the fash ionable learned and scientific beaux of the present day are violently in love with her, and do nothing but follow her wherever she goes. " Your petitioners have, however, reserved their greatest grievance for the last. There is a distant relation of these vulgar people, who was a long time a sort of hanger-on of our family, but was dis carded at last for his illnature and impertinence. In revenge for this, he has ever since been our greatest enemy. Having a smattering in the terms SALMAGUNDI. 119 usually applied to designate the qualities of belles, and a kind of downright dogmatism in giving an opinion, well calculated to impose upon mankind, he carries great sway in the fashionable world. He is in fact a perfect pedagogue when among us belles, and flourishes his birch without mercy. We can't open our lips to sing, without his finding fault with every word or note we utter ; and our figures, attitudes, sentiments, and phraseology, are sure to be found fault with, unless we happen to conciliate him with a low courtesy or a high compliment. Indeed, Mr. Langstaff, he is a most intolerable prig, and his insolence is most particularly con spicuous in the company of women. They call him a critic ; but, for our part, he seems good for nothing but to find fault. " Your petitioners, banished from the classic groves of their native Greece, where the Muses and Graces, like their votaries, were free as the running brooks in which they laved their nimble limbs, or the pure air they breathed, thought to have found friends, lovers, husbands, in this new land of liberty. But they are now under serious apprehensions, that the neglect of the beau-monde, and the impertinence of their cast-off cousin, will ere long force them to seek an asylum on the banks of the Ohio, or some other gentle stream of the west, where they can sport, and play, and sing, and braid their hair, undisturbed by the confused 120 SALMAGUNDI. jargon of the Ologies, or the conceited meddlesome impertinence of their fault-finding cousin. " As you, sir, were born before the beau-monde was infested with these vulgar people, your peti tioners humbly hope you will not desert the old belles, who were wont to smile on your youth, and encourage your early gallantries, to join the train of their opulent rivals. They beseech you to praise them, if it be ever so little ; otherwise they will be obliged to bury their mortification in the bosom of some nameless solitude, thus abandoning their music, their poetry, their choral dances, and their liberal arts, to these modern usurpers of the palm and the laureL " And your petitioners will ever pray, &c. (Signed) " EUTERPE, " CLIO, " ERATO, " TERPSICHORE. " CALLIOPE, " URANIA, "POLYHYMNIA. '"P. S. Your petitioners have to state, with hearts full of sorrow, that their sister Melpomene disappeared from the world about the time Otway died, and their sister Thalia has never been heard of since the news of poor Mr. Sheridan's death." SALMAGUNDI. 12 1 - rfihf 5>T;:.:flalv.-!ibcfejoii ' 4 * 1 insert the following letter for no other reason whatever, than because it exactly makes up the pages requisite to complete this number, a mat ter which our publisher has most especially at heart, as his sagacious brethren generally buy books by the square foot, as I am informed. TO LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. " SIR, " I AM induced to address this communication to your Elbow Chair, rather with a view to relieve myself by complaining, and warn others from fol lowing my example, than in the hope that your advice or assistance will be of the least service. " You will be pleased to understand, sir, that I was employed, a few years since, to write the life of a distinguished personage, who, besides being either president or member of a vast number of societies, was sole proprietor of two newspapers, which were employed day and night inventing new proofs of his extraordinary merits. Having thus, as it were, a bladder under each arm, he managed to float down the stream of popularity with very considerable reputation, and in the opin ion of his most particular friends, was fairly enti tled to a biography. VOL. I. - F 11 122 SALMAGUNDI* ' " My instructions being to make him out a first- rate great man, and as good as he was great, I went to work in the usual manner, and gathered together all the cardinal virtues, which I mixed up with several handfuls of the most distinguish ing characteristics of our most illustrious ancient and modern statesmen, heroes, and philosophers. These I stirred well together, and having let them ferment through about twenty octavo pages, the heterogeneous mass produced, when it came to subside, one of the most perfect modern great men you ever saw in all your life. So complete was it in all its parts, that I actually came near being the dupe of my own cleverness, and could scarcely refrain from falling down and worshipping the idol of my own creation. Well, indeed, may we biog raphers call these great people ' our heroes' in speaking of them, since, if the honest truth were told, they are as much of our own creation, as the imaginary heroes of romances and fairy tales. "My employer, however, was delighted, and turned my great man to considerable profit. The bi ography had a great run, and the people were not only charmed at possessing so distinguished a fellow- citizen, but astonished at not having known it be fore. They forthwith elected him to an office of great trust and profit, as a reward for his extraor dinary merits, as well as extraordinary modesty, in keeping them so long from public view. All this, I am bold to say, arose from my not having weighed, SALMAGUNDI. 123 and discriminated, and balanced, and hesitated, be tween weaknesses and great qualities, as certain biographers do, thereby puzzling their readers, and leaving them in great doubt whether most to ad mire or contemn. " Perceiving the astonishing success of this new system of superlative biography, several people, ambitious of the like distinction, applied to me for a character, and I was in a fair way of getting into a profitable business, when a most untoward acci dent happened, which put an end to the whole affair. The great man whom I had put in a way of making a fortune, by means of his biography, and whom I had decked not only with every talent, but every virtue under heaven, took occasion all at once to turn out, not only a very great block head, but a very great rogue. By this means, he not only disgraced himself, but his biographer also, by destroying his reputation for veracity, and fall ing from the high elevation to which I had raised him by dint of great puffing and exertion. The most melancholy part of the business, however, was, that it put a stop to the growth of a number of most promising candidates for immortality that I had taken in hand. These I was in a fair way of making each one greater than his predecessor, whom I had just before proved the greatest man of his time, by a method peculiar to myself, and which I take pride in having brought to the greatest possible perfection. 124 SALMAGUNDI. " In short, worthy sir, my business was quite ruined by the unlucky backslidings of my hero, while the country was irretrievably injured in its glory, by the loss of several great personages whose fame I had brought to considerable maturity, and who will now, most likely, never be heard of more. For the sake of my own character for ve racity, I am determined in future never to become sponsor for the reputation of any great man, until he is as dead as Julius Caesar, and consequently utterly incapable of bringing his biographer to shame, by belying his good word by some un seemly misbehaviour. By this method I shall obviate the possibility of my hero turning out a fool or a knave, after I have pledged myself to the world and to posterity in favour of his worth and abilities. " In pursuance of this inflexible determination, I have lately declined immortalizing a number of living worthies, simply because they could not pro duce sureties for their future good behaviour ; and I do hereby publicly announce my resolution never to become responsible for a living great man, most earnestly recommending this example to my brother labourers in the fertile field of biography, both in Europe and America. It is for their especial benefit and caution that I have made this matter public, earnestly hoping, as I do, that in future they will not commit themselves to the world in SALMAGUNDI. 125 favour of great men, who may possibly, in the nat ural course of events, turn out arrant ninnies or swindlers before they die. " I am, Mr. Langstaff, your sincere friend, "MAURICE M'LEAD." 126 SALMAGUNDI. No. IV. SATURDAY, AUGUST 13, 1819. THE CHURCHYARD. ONE of the most endearing aspects in which this country presents itself to my view, is that of a place of refuge for the indigent and oppressed of every corner of the earth. Whatever may be their habits, manners, language, religion, or suffer ings, it is to this happy country they look as a place of refuge, a haven of rest, where industry is the passport to competence ; where the earnings of the poor do not pass into the coffers of the rich, or the strong-box of government ; and where, with one or two disgraceful exceptions, they can pursue the path which, in their opinion, leads to eternal happiness, without forfeiting any of their civil rights. The experience of every day proves that the eyes of that portion of the civilized world, with which books and business have connected us, are fixed upon this country. The rich and noble be gin to look towards it as a refuge from the indis criminate vengeance of revolutions often brought about by an obstinate refusal of reform, when re form might have at least delayed, if not warded off, the catastrophe while the poorer classes long SALMAGUNDI. 127 for the enjoyment of its generous plenty, and con template it at a distance, as the wanderers of Israel did the land of Canaan, flowing with milk and honey. No doubt this latter class often, perhaps always, over-rate the advantages held out by this country ; but still we do not find that experience deters them from remaining. Few ever return again. Like the adventurer of the days of en chantment and elfin influence, once within the magic circle of freedom, they remain willing so- journers ; and if they sometimes cast a remember ing thought towards the land of their birth, it is, perhaps, to wish some dear friends, and dearer relatives, were here to share with them the bles sings of a chastened liberty. In rambling over various parts of our country, and visiting the busy crowded towns, it is a curious subject of reflection, as well as a source of honest satisfaction, to mark the various physiognomies, and the peculiarities of manner and dialect, which point out the natives of far distant climes, who all flock hither as to a common centre, in search of the great objects of man's pursuits freedom and hap piness. The blue-eyed laborious German the saving Hollander the calculating Scot, and the uncalculating Hibernian the Englishman grum bling and eating the Welshman with his long breeches, and the Welshwoman with her short pet ticoats, are dispersed through every town, or gath ered together in little knots in the western land of 128 SALMAGUNDI. promise. Wherever they are, industry and econ omy make them flourish, and obedience to the laws secures them all the privileges accorded to the most distinguished citizen. Whatever evils the deep-thinking politician, or the politician who believes he thinks deeply, may anticipate from the extraordinary mixture of human tempers and physiognomies which this country presents, I, for my part, have little doubt that it will, in the end, produce all the advantages derived from crossing the breed in other animals. We find that all old stocks, whose members are con tinually marrying their cousins and second cousins to keep estates in the family, degenerate into a sort of libel upon the human race ; and, if I might be allowed the conjecture, I would give it as my opinion, that the orang-outang and the Hottentot, are the progeny of some of those exceedingly an cient families supposed to be extinct, but which gradually lost their rank in the scale of human dig nity, by a too great care in marrying among them selves in order to keep the blood pure, and the estate in the family. But let the future take care of itself ; it is sufficient for me, that this propensity of our fellow-creatures to come among us from the uttermost ends of the earth, if not a proof of the superior plenty and happiness we enjoy, is at least a demonstration of the good opinion enter tained towards us by these strangers. Let us, therefore, be proud of our country and its institu- SALMAGUNDI. 129 tions ; and, above all, let us endeavour to justify their good opinion, not only by a becoming hospi tality, but by cherishing those laws, and preserving those habits, which have made us an object of trembling interest to the lovers of rational freedom all over the world, and our country the refuge and the home of the stranger and the oppressed. I was led into these reflections from having by chance strolled into the burying-ground of the Catholic church, now standing on what, within my memory, was called Bayard's farm. I remember it was in consequence of my being one of a party of boys that robbed an orchard on this very spot, that I felt the first pricks of that monitor, whose struggles are so powerful at first, but grow weaker and weaker, like the receding thunder, as we advance in life, and at last are awakened to new and terrible energy, by the approach of death. I distinctly remember that my struggles were very painful while there was danger of our theft being found out, but they gradually subsided with my apprehensions of temporal punishment, and were quite forgot by the time this fear was over. We at that time gambolled over the green grass, teem ing with vegetable and insect life, ourselves the very imps of youthful hilarity, on the spot where now repose the mouldering bones of hundreds of strangers from almost every corner of the peopled earth. Such are the curious and rapid mutations of our country. In a few years the desert is in rO 130 SALMAGUNDI. some places changed into the abode of thousands of living men; in others the rural field teeming with flowers and fruits, is converted into a charnel- house for thousands of the dead. The crosses at the top of the tombstones marked out the sleeping crowd as having belonged to the ancient Catholic church ; and the legends en graven on them, told that almost all were born in foreign lands. They had torn asunder the ties of country, and the ligaments of kindred affection, and, forced by hard necessity, had come hither, as it seemed, only to die. They had, no doubt, prom ised to write home, and let their friends know how they sped ; and their friends had in like manner promised to write to them. But these letters had probably never been received by the wanderers, whose destiny had carried them into every part of this extensive country. They remained without the sweet solace of news from home, and died without knowing whether they preceded their old friends or relatives, or had left them behind to wonder at their long silence. That this occurs continually, no one that sees the notices of the different postoffices can doubt. We there find letters advertised in great numbers for names, so evidently foreign, as not to be mistaken. They are directed to the ports whither these wanderers were bound ; but before they arrive, the dispersion from the ark in which they floated over the waves has taken place the emigrants have gone, no one SALMAGUNDI. 131 knows whither, in search of a resting-place or of employment, and the letter never comes to hand. Hence it often happens, that the relations who come out afterward, in search of them or of hap piness, go to the churchyards to inquire of the gravestones the fate of their lost ones. It is at least some little assurance of their being alive, if they are not found among the tombs ; and it is for this reason that the poor Irish especially, if they can't afford a stone to tell their names and whence they came, erect a wooden slab over the dead, to serve at least as a frail guide to those who may come to inquire their fate. Any one who goes into the burying-place of one of these Catholic churches on a Sabbath day, cannot fail of seeing a number of men, women, and children wandering about, and consulting the gravestones for news of those who have preceded them to this new world, and many of them got the start to the world to come. There is something affecting in such a sight, and sometimes^ instead of attending a ser mon, I go to the tombs of the Catholic church, and there receive a lesson of the uncertainty of life, as well as the vanity of human hopes and worldly pursuits. Indulging in these feelings and reflections one Sunday afternoon, I at last found myself the only person left. in the burial-place, except an old man who lingered behind, and was standing in front of a wooden slab at the head of a new-made grave. 132 SALMAGUNDI. He might have passed for a statue, only his cos tume was not classical, and his attitude too much like nature ; at any rate, he seemed immoveable, and the first impression on my mind was, that some bodily infirmity, or sudden indisposition, prevented his retiring. I am a shy sort of person, and never address a stranger without some particular reason. When I do, I am very apt to say something rather ridiculous, or to make some observation exceed ingly far-fetched and outre. It was so on this occasion. I felt a sympathy for this old figure, and not knowing exactly what to say, walked up to him, and very abruptly asked " what he was look ing for?" The figure then raised his eyes as if he was offended at this intrusion, but seeing an old man, and an oldfashioned man too, before him, who, I will venture to say, does not look as if he could be impertinent, answered, after some little hesitation, " I was looking for a lost son, and have just now found him." Not knowing exactly what to say, I uttered a sort of awkward congratulation. " What makes the discovery more precious," con tinued the old man, " he was my only son my only child the only relation I had in the world." By this time I began to feel rather awkward, and cast an inquiring look about, as if to ask where the young man was. He seemed to understand me, and pointing to the grave, answered " There." I comprehended the melancholy tale at once, and could not help sympathizing with the poor lonely SALMAGUNDI. 133 being before me. His dress was rather plain, and there was about, it nothing of that trim, frisky, fashionable pertness, which characterizes the dress of the present race of dandies of sixty-five. I liked him the better for it ; for I question whether I could have felt sorry for him, had he been dress ed in a fine coat, little hat, and wide pantaloons. Such a dress is just as injurious to the effect of a sorrowful tale, as to a rural landscape. " You are a stranger," said he, " but I am in a land I may say, a world of strangers one man is now as near to me as another. Grief, which silences youth, makes old age talkative, and as it is some consolation to be pitied, I will tell you my story. I am an Irishman and the history of Ire land, of late years, exhibits a curious experiment how much a people can endure, without running mad. I possessed a couple of hundred acres of poor land, in the midst of a rich principality, of which my ancestors were once lords ; and had an only son remaining alive of four, that had entered into different services, and died, some fighting for, and some against their country, as England is called. I had a wife too, the descendant of Rod erick O'Connor, but she died one morning of a fright, at seeing two of the servants hanging to a tree just before her chamber window, and went to heaven, just as her native country became a hell. They were two poor bog-trotters, hung without a trial, for having buried an old gun-barrel in a bog. 12 134 SALMAGUNDI. " My son was a fine lad he had the spirit of a knight-errant, and the form of a hero of romance. But he had one fault he could not see the foot of power upon the necks of his countrymen, without grinding his teeth, and muttering a little between whiles. This came to the ears of a neighbouring justice of the peace, whose great grandfather had got possession of a slice of our family estate, by hiding a treasonable letter and finding it himself afterward. His descendant wanted another slice, the only one left, and his loyalty became excessively watchful in consequence. He sent two soldiers, now the only peace officers of poor Ireland, who politely seized my boy by the shoulders, and push ed him to the justice. "Here it was proved that he had been in the habit of grating his teeth for some time past, and was actually seen to clinch his fists, and strike his forehead, the morning his mother died of fright at seeing the caitiffs strung up before the window. The case was reported to the higher authorities and after due deliberation, it was notified to us, that his majesty had been graciously pleased to pardon us both, on two very easy conditions. My son was to quit the country in one month, and I was permitted to remain one year, to dispose of the property. " Miserable, degraded, and trodden under foot as is our country to be obliged to leave it was like being driven eut of paradise. My ancestors had SALMAGUNDI. 135 kept possession of the land on which we lived almost ever since it was. made, and it was a pity to expel the last of their descendants. But go was the word, or stay, to be the victims of petty and malignant spirits, thirsting for blood and money. The star of the west beckoned us hither. My son departed, prophesying with the elastic spirit of youthful hope ; and I saw him go, with the pro phetic fear of age, that we should never meet again. He arrived safely here, and continued to cheer me with descriptions of the happiness that awaited me in this land of the exile. " All at once he became silent ; and my depar ture was quickened by the most melancholy fore bodings, that all my haste would not bring about a meeting in this world. On my arrival here, nobody could tell me any thing of my son. At the post- office, my letters had of late remained uncalled for, and were burnt after being advertised the re quisite time. He had made no acquaintances that I could discover, and I sought for him everywhere among the living in vain. At last I bethought me of the churchyards, and my search is now ended. I have found him among his fellow exiles, sleeping beneath the holy emblem of his religion peaceful as a lamb, and harmless as the dust of which he was made. Am I not a happy old man ?" added he, with the ironical bitterness of confirmed de spair " Am I not a happy old man ? I have lost my country, my wife, my sons and at last my 136 SALMAGUNDI. only son and what is still better, my spirit is so jaded by misfortune, that I can scarcely hope to meet them in heaven. Farewell, worthy stranger, and thank Providence that you were born in a land of liberty, for the oppression of a harsh and irrita- .ted government is like the corruption of the very r air we breathe ; it sooner or later extends to every human being, and no one can escape its baleful influence." FROM MY ELBOW CHAIR. SEVERAL of the learned literati of this and other cities having, as I am credibly informed, com plained of our work not being sufficiently scien tific to be worthy of their patronage, we have come to a conclusion to intersperse it with occa sional articles, that will exactly suit this nu merous class of readers. Indeed, we only require to be informed of the various appetites of the public, rational and irrational, to gratify each one in turn. It is quite indifferent to us, what dish is called for by those who come to our entertainment ; they may be sure of being grati fied. We are in possession of all kinds of sci entific abridgments and dictionaries, calculated exactly for every degree of ignorance, from the SALMAGUNDI. 137 wakeful and vivacious student, down to the dozing professor. Our worthy nephew, Mr. Jeremy Cockloft, is a host within himself, and has kindly furnished us with several papers on various scientific subjects, which are too precious to be withheld much longer from the public. In the meantime, the following article on natural history will, I trust, be not altogether unaccepta ble to the lovers of that science. NATURAL HISTORY. CONSIDERING that the industrious researches of philosophers and men of science have nearly over run, and, as it were, subjected the whole material world, so that it is with the utmost difficulty they can find a new animal or a new substance to write about, I am not a little surprised that none of these useful persons have, as yet, given any scientific account of a species of animal, which is in fact a real treasure to the cabinet of the naturalist. They walk on two legs, and have a general resemblance to men, yet differ in so many points as to chal lenge a distinct classification in the nomenclature of natural history. They possess, it is true, the faculty of speech, but seem almost destitute of ideas, and talk in a kind of jargon peculiar to them selves ; so difficult, that, I am told, even the cele brated Hamilton, of Baltimore, will not undertake to teach it in less than twenty lessons. Another 138 SALMAGUNDI. remarkable singularity in these curious animals is, that they all, apparently, belong to the male genus, although I will not withhold the important informa tion, that I have been credibly informed, several of these singular beings, who affect to appertain to the masculine gender, are in reality females dressed up in this way, to impose upon my worthy and un suspecting fellow-citizens. Being myself such an ardent admirer of the sci ence of natural history, that I actually made a jour ney last summer, to pay my respects to the great sea-serpent off Gloucester Point, I have lately been deeply engaged in the study of this curious animal. The result of my researches, in conjunction with several learned of this city, is, that the animal in question is only a new variety of a species, which has existed in various forms, and under various names, since the days of Mycon, an unlucky young fellow of Athens, who was changed into a puppy by Ceres, for disturbing one of her feasts. My limits will not admit of a regular genealogy, dedu cing the race from their great ancestor, down to the celebrated JACKY DANDY, the first of the family of the DANDIES of whom I am about to treat. This JACKY DANDY, my readers will recollect, is the subject of a famous old song, which has been unaccountably neglected in this city, not hav ing, I believe, been fortunate enough to be spoken respectfully of by either of the useful persons, who kindly take the trouble of telling us what is espe- SALMAGUNDI. 139 cially worthy of our admiration. I have taken a deal of pains to get at the particulars of JACKY'S life, but as he unfortunately lived previous to the fashion of writing the lives of great men before they were dead, and very few people took the trouble of remembering him after his death, his biogra phy is lamentably deficient. All that is certainly known of him is, that he was a great frequenter ot tea-parties, and a huge devourer of plum-cake, sugar-candy, and other rarities of those times. It is also on the records of popular tradition, that he was a distinguished patron of tailors, having in vented some of the most expensive and ridiculous fashions of his day ; and that, as a reward for his great genius in these matters, the aforesaid tailors unanimously voted him a superb gilt goose, and a pair of white doe-skin gloves, which latter, it is affirmed, he washed every morning with his own hands. His great feat, however, and the only one com memorated in print, was performed at a famous ball, given by a fashionable belle, where he put his thumb into a plum-cake, and valiantly drew out a plum, to the great delight of the well-bred people assembled on that occasion. Many good judges of military prowess thought he ought to have been brevetted for this ; but merit was not rewarded in those days as it is now. I am not ignorant, that some persons have affirmed this story of the plum to be merely a metaphorical allusion to his having 140 SALMAGUNDI. carried off a lady worth a plum, and married her. But for this supposition there is not the least au thority, since it appears from the best accounts I have been able to collect, that he married the widow of an eminent staymaker, and from her is supposed to be derived that attachment to corsets, so re markable in this family at the present day. I ought also, in justice to the reader, to state another opinion which prevails respecting the name given to this curious race, and that it is sanctioned by some of the weightiest heads about town. These affirm that the name of DANDY is derived, not from the celebrated personage, the fragments of whose history I have thus brought together, but from an early flower called dandelion by the better sort of people, but which is known among the vulgar by a name supposed to be singularly descriptive of the dandy. The reader may please himself in the choice of either opinion, as it is not material which he adopts. In the progress of my most patient and minute investigation of the natural history of the dandy, I was not a littled puzzled to decide which was the actual being, the animal, or the mechanical organi zation by which he was enveloped. It appeared to be a moot point, whether it was actually a man, or only an improvement in the race of automatons whether, in fact, the outward machinery which incased the curious little monster, constituted the principle of motion, or whether it was propelled by SALMAGUNDI. 141 some tenacious spark of animal existence, that, contrary to all scientific probability, held out against the enormous pressure of the outward man-machine. In short, as naturalists have heretofore doubted whether the vivifying principle we sometimes ob serve giving motion to a horse-hair, that has lain long in the water, was actually a reanimation of the hair itself, or merely the action of some animal intruder which had taken possession, so was I pain fully puzzled with regard to the dandy. I was in clined, on the whole, to believe with the learned Conradus Crambe, that the covering constituted the abstract being, since it appeared sufficiently evident, that the machinery could subsist much better without the animal, than the animal without the machinery. My doubts were at last happily solved by WILL WIZARD, who assured me that a perfect dandy can no more stand or sit upright, without his corsets, &c., than a little Chinese lady, with her feet two inches long, can walk without crutches. WILL affirms that they are, one and all, a rickety tribe, and marvellously deficient in those physical qualifications appertaining to the human race they so much resemble. As this paper is in part devoted to my country readers, who have never had an opportunity of see ing a specimen of this formerly unknown animal, I feel it incumbent upon me to be very particular in exhibiting his peculiarities, so that if any romantic young lady, who has never shown her blooming 142 SALMAGUNDI. face in the city, should happen to meet with one in the woods, she may not mistake it for a man, and thereupon fall in love with it, or at least be sorely frightened lest he should be rude to her. I assure all timid and bashful country belles, that they need not be alarmed at such a rencounter, for except that they outrage common sense, and libel mankind by passing for fellow-creatures, the dan dies arc as harmless as most animals. The dandy, then, is distinguished from men, by his peculiar outline of form, which is altogether composed of angles and straight lines ; whereas, that of the latter is composed of curves. The hu man figure consequently exhibits an air of freedom in action, and vigour in performance, of which that of the dandy is entirely destitute. Being well shod with iron or brass, according to custom, if three or four of them happen to pass by the win dows of a summer evening, they occasion a noise like the approach of a troop of horse, clattering over the pavements. The walk of the dandy re sembles the hobbling gait of an automaton, whose limbs are made of wood, and whose sinews are composed of wire. The cause of all these peculiarities is their mode of making themselves up, as it is called. Their dress exhibits a beautiful contrast of tight and loose. The coat and waistcoat ought to be rather tighter than the skin, so as to excite extreme wonder at the process by which they came to be inhabited. SALMAGUNDI. 143 But the peculiarity in dress which most distin guishes them is the corsets, which I am credibly informed are laced by a curious steam engine of sixteen horse power. According to WILL WIZARD, the rule is to pull away until the eyes of the patient project a quarter of an inch beyond their natural convexity. This explains the reason of the dandies' looking so wild out of their eyes, and relieves me from a suspicion I before laboured under, that this singular peculiarity of expression might have been owing to their being frightened at seeing themselves in the looking-glass of a morning. The bodies of these remarkable animals, being thus divested of all freedom of action, and the cir culation of the blood being thereby checked in va rious parts, in process of time they come to be exceedingly grotesque and misshapen in their fig ures. Their waists become unnaturally thin, while other parts protuberate in such an equivocal manner, as to resemble the young ladies in the Spectator's time, when pads were in fashion. As it is quite impossible to convey an adequate idea of the figure and dress of one of these strange ani mals, we have it in contemplation to persuade one of them to sit to my friend Jarvis, for a full-length likeness, to embellish a future number. As the race I am describing differ from men in form and dress, so likewise do they in manners, habits, and amusements. Effeminacy is one of their great characteristics, and without any preten- 144 SALMAGUNDI. sions to the delicacy or refinement of women, they imitate them in the passion for finery, as well as in the devotions of the toilet. They generally, I am credibly informed, change their dresses from four to six times a day at least those who have credit with a fashionable tailor. Such, in fact, is the im portance attached to dress, that it actually consti tutes the point of honour among them. Tippy Tittipup once had an affair of honour with his great rival Randie Dandie, on account of the latter having made his appearance in Broadway with an additional tuck in his pantaloons, over and above the number agreed upon, at the Saturday night club, where all matters of this kind are settled. Neither party received any personal damage, al though Tippy swears he heard a ball whistle within an inch of his right ear. The general opinion, however, seems to be, that this was nothing but a singing in his head, not uncommon, I am told, in such cases. As I expect shortly to be favoured with a regular journal of a dandy's day, from a high quarter, I will not anticipate the particulars, but leave them to the gentleman who has promised to furnish this rare morsel of natural history. It must suffice for the present to state, that the employment, or rather, the amusements of a dandy, for employment he has none, consist principally in walking the streets, and dressing in the daytime- going to the theatre or a party in the evening, where they are admitted on account of the scarcity SALMAGUNDI. 145 of men in the fashionable circles, and thence ad* journing to some notable eating-house, to sup and take an enlivening game of whist. After this^ they go home, or to the watch-house, just as it hap pens. Their great pleasure is to be talked of, and their highest ambition to draw the public attention by some ridiculous prank or other, preferring to be laughed at rather than remain unnoticed. At the theatre, they generally interrupt the performance by talking from one box to another, and at parties they eat, and admire themselves* At watering- places, they consider it a firstrate exploit in dandy ism to alarm the female invalids, by ringing the bell at one or two o'clock at night, and other eccen tricities hitherto usually confined to the little fresh* men at college. They have various other modes of amusing themselves not worth enumerating, but which assist them in fulfilling the great end of their creation wasting time, In speaking of this curious race of animals I have classed them with the human race, although with considerable doubt and hesitation. In con* suiting some of the learned on the subject, the majority were rather opposed to their being ad mitted to so high a rank, and I am assured, that at the last election^ the inspectors of the first and second wards turned some of them from the polls, under pretence that they were members of one of the new tribe of monkeys, lately discovered in the interior of Africa, dressed up to impose upon them. VOL. i. G 13 146 SALMAGUNDI. Indeed, it u not alone the learned who doubt on this important subject, as one of the dandy animals was not long ago taken to the police office, for an affray with a stout woman from Tappan sea, whose basket of strawberries he overturned. Messieurs, the police justices, were singularly puzzled what to do with this nondescript, until one of them happily conceived the idea of its being one of the curiosities from Mr. Scudder's Museum, escaped from its cage by some accident or other. It was therefore sent back, with a caution to be more careful in future, and may now be seen standing next to the ring-tailed monkey, ready for the inspection of all curious and scientific visiters. Several of these have expressed some doubts, whether the animal is properly classed, but the doubters belong, I understand, to the party which not long since disfranchised the whale, under pre tence of his being a perfect beast. Allowances must therefore be made with respect to their opin ions, and, for my part, I would advise every one of my readers to go thither, and decide for them selves, for I honestly confess myself unable to do it for them. SALMAGUNDI. 147 OUR CORRESPONDENTS. I HAVE lately been favoured with a great num ber of letters from different parts of the country, proposing various plans for increasing the happiness of mankind, by banishing many of those crying evils under which the world has been groaning for the last six thousand years. Some of these are accommodated with recommendations from several distinguished persons, whose names have, how ever, become so common of late, as to add little weight to any thing of this kind. Considering how easy it is to bring about good, I can't help wonder ing, that all sorts of evils and sufferings have not been banished long since. Indeed, the only way in which I can account for our tardy progress to per fectibility, is on the score of a suspicion 1 have harboured for some time past, that the excellent and well-meaning persons who follow the respecta ble business of bettering mankind, are like certain unskilful tinkers, who, in stopping one hole, make some half a dozen others. For the amusement of our readers, I will give the outlines of some of these plans, disclaiming any intention whatever of ridiculing those worthy philanthropists who sometimes, with the best in tentions in the world, act as the encouragers of G 2 146 SALMAGUNDI. idleness, and the patrons of all those vices which are its natural consequence. One of my letters comes from an honest man, with ten children, whose schooling he finds rather expensive, being neither rich nor inclined to work. He is very anxious to get up a petition to the legis lature, to pass a law providing that all children shall be educated at the expense of the old bachelors, who, having none of their own, ought, in common justice, to be saddled with those of other people. Being, however, rather apprehensive that the bach elors will demur to this, or get married out of pure spite, and grievously maltreat their wives, he rec ommends, in that case, the establishment of schools, to be entirely supported by people who don't mind a little extra hard work, and where those who do may have their children properly taught, without the intolerable drudgery of paying the expenses of their education. Among other advantages at tendant on this plan, he thinks it cannot fail in producing two most important results. The pa rents, being thus relieved from the expense of educating their children, will have more time to attend to the cultivation of their own minds, by going to taverns, reading newspapers, and gossiping about ; while the children, being early accustomed to the idea and the habit of depending upon society for support, cannot fail of losing those feelings of stubborn independence, which make our stage drivers, ferrymen, and, indeed, tradesmen of all SALMAGUNDI. 149 classes, so insufferably proud, that they actually feel themselves almost equal to their employers. Another ingenious correspondent, who seems to possess a very humane disposition, and is by trade a philanthropist, after enumerating a variety of cases of barbarity exercised by cartmen and others upon their horses, proposes a plan, by which, he thinks, their services may be dispensed with al together. He considers the velocipede as specially intended by Providence to supersede the use of all other draught animals, except men, and proposes that the young gentlemen about town, who are now engaged in attending the velocipede riding- school, should afterwards exercise their skill in driving or riding these machines about for the good of society. As to the objection, that this would be a mere substitution of asses for horses, he con siders it merely a joke, and that none of the best. Anticipating, among many other objections, the difficulty of disposing of the horses thus set free, without the habits of self-government or self-main tenance, he recommends a Colonization Society, for the purpose of sending them to Brazil, where they can join the vast herds of wild horses that roam the interminable plains of that great country. His letter is followed up by a postscript, contain ing a proposal to exterminate the whole race of - dogs a measure of precaution, which, he affirms, with great appearance of reason, would for ever put a stop to their running mad. 150 SALMAGUNDI. A third letter contains a plan for the total abo lition of debts. It states, that since the passing of the various bankrupt laws, the number of debtors in our city prison has considerably increased; which gives a sufficient demonstration, that all laws weakening the security of the creditor, oper ate to the disadvantage of the debtor. The cred itor, conceiving that he has no chance of being paid except by the most summary process, is continually on the watch, and on the first symptoms of delin quency, pounces upon his goods, which are sacri ficed at some petty auction. My correspondent upon this observes, that it being now pretty certain that all the laws intended for the relief of the poor debtors only increase their distresses and throng the prison, is for putting the axe to the root of the evil, by abolishing debts altogether. An example, he observes, has already been set, by several of the banks, whose debts are considered as mere nulli ties ; " and really," says he, " now that it is only necessary that a man should have nothing to pay his debts with, to free himself from his creditors entirely, I see no reason for keeping up the farce of debtor and creditor any longer." In the town he inhabits, they have formed a society, the members of which are pledged to each .other to pay no debts of their own contracting, under penalty of being considered hard-hearted persons. All the money they can spare is em ployed in relieving honest idleness, and converting SALMAGUNDI. 151 the Hindoos, those miserable wretches, that are almost as bad and as ignorant as some of the old primitive saints, who fancied they were paying an acceptable service to the divinity, by inflicting upon themselves various corporeal punishments, too shocking to mention. My worthy correspondent concludes, by recommending the establishment of similar societies throughout the United States, which, he assures me, will infallibly bring about the abolition of all debts in a little time, by effect ually preventing anybody from giving credit. Another of these writers proposes a most im portant plan, which, if once carried fairly into op eration, will supersede all others, and render fur ther exertions in behalf of human happiness entirely unnecessary. It is calculated to do away the temptation to all individual exertion, by means of various free-schools for educating children at the public expense various societies for the support of people who dislike to work ; and various banks and incorporations, by means of which the skill and enterprise of a mere lonely person will be of little or no use in the world, and, consequently, there will be no temptation to give them ex ertion. My correspondent thinks it can be demonstrated that such an entire new organization of society could not fail of producing many advantages of a moral and political nature. Children, by being thus educated at the public expense, will very nat- 152 SALMAGUNDI. urally transfer that affection which grows out of a sense of benefits and protection, from their parents to the state, and become excessively patriotic, as a matter of course. This feeling of dependance, not on a particular being, but on society at large, can not fail, he says, of producing a more enlarged phi lanthropy, as the affections, not being absorbed by a single object, will dilate themselves into an un bounded love for all mankind, and comprehend the whole universe. With respect to grown-up per sons, he thinks, that by becoming members of a corporate body, they will be drawn from the indul gence of selfish feelings, and instead of labouring for their mere personal interest, will exert them selves simply from a disinterested regard to the welfare of the association. Hence that rigid in flexible spirit of gain, which actuates the industri ous man when labouring for himself alone, will be softened down into a salutary indifference about those benefits which are to be shared among so many, and a consequent relaxation from those mere manual exertions that injure the intellect, and de stroy the fine sentimental traits which adorn and beautify the human character. The last advantage hinted at by my correspondent is, that a man, the moment he becomes a member of one of these corporations, is relieved from all the trouble of pre serving his good name in future. Whatever he may do as a part of this body, no responsibility whatever rests upon him, and none can impeach SALMAGUNDI. 153 his character, even if the whole association turn swindlers. The foregoing plans are proposed in a manner so serious as to do away all suspicion of an attempt at irony. For those which follow, however, I will not answer, but leave it to the sagacity of the reader to decide whether the authors are serious or not. The first is a plan for a national currency. The principal outlines are, that every man is to make his own paper money that he is to have full authority to promise to pay three times the amount of what he can legally be called on to pay that he shall be allowed to pay only such persons as he pleases, although he promises to pay everybody that everybody shall be obliged to pay him all they owe, while he is only obliged to pay one third, and that he shall be allowed to put all his debtors in prison, while none of his creditors can put him there finally, that if, in the end, he shall not be able to pay at all, no illnatured or evil-dis posed person shall be permitted to call him bank rupt, under any pretence whatever, and everybody is expected to trust him as usual. I would publish this plan at full length were it original. But really, it seems to me little more than an abstract of the present banking system. Another of this class of equivocal correspond ents, offers a plan for making plank out of saw dust. He states that this will be of great impor tance when wood becomes scarce in this country, G 3 164 SALMAGUNDI, and had some thoughts of applying for a patent, only he knew the gentleman who presides over the machinery at that office would infallibly have anticipated him in the discovery. He found little difficulty in making oak and white pine plank, but was sadly puzzled with the spruce and pitch pine, until luckily he bethought himself of mixing the former with spruce-beer, and the latter with a little turpentine. The last proposal I shall notice is from the same hand, and consists of a plan for saving the poor the consumption of fuel and food during the whole winter season. The process is simply that of freezing them, like fish, when the frosts come on, and permitting them gradually to thaw in the spring. This he affirms can be done with perfect ease, and without the least danger to their health, by means of a refrigerator of his own particular in vention. Among other incidental advantages ari sing from this discovery, it is hinted by the author, that a great deal might be saved in travelling, in the article of eating by the way. He concludes his letter by mysteriously hinting at a plan for vis iting the North Pole by means of this discovery, of obviating the danger of being frozen on the way, by freezing the adventurers before they set out. My ingenious correspondent declines entering into further particulars, for fear, as he expresses it, "the British government should borrow his plan and anticipate him in the execution." SALMAGUNDI. 155 . OBITUARY. PINDAR COCKLOFT. MANY of our readers having, by letter and other wise, expressed considerable solicitude to know whether our worthy cousin Pindar is yet living, and continues to sport with the muses in their favourite bower at Cockloft Hall, it is incumbent upon us to satisfy their curiosity. It is now nearly three years since poor Pindar died of a disease of late very common among poets. I don't mean that he was starved to death, accord ing to custom from time immemorial among the votaries of the nine, although this catastrophe might possibly have befallen him had he lived till now, for a considerable part of his fortune was in vested in the country banks. The fact is, he was killed by a criticism on one of his productions, upon which he valued himself most particularly. This favourite progeny of his old age was so ter ribly mangled by several of our most expert critics, that poor Pindar never held up his head afterwards. From that time, he never could hear anybody give an opinion on a book without discovering strong marks of impatience ; and his usual mode of char acterizing an ignorant, meddling, conceited fellow, 156 SALMAGUNDI, was, that " he was as impudent and arrogant as a reviewer." Whether it was his pride or his sensibility which received the death-wound, I cannot say. Perhaps it was both, for they were so mixed up together in his composition, that it was almost im possible to separate them. From the moment these criticisms began to fly about his head like hail stones, he was observed to affect retirement, and passed most of his time either in his room, or in wandering about along the shores of the majestic Hudson, whose perpendicular and everlasting bank rears itself an invincible barrier to the deep waters, immediately opposite the Hall. In this way he went on for some time, until one warm afternoon, he was found leaning with his face on his arms, that were crossed upon a book which lay open be fore him. At first we naturally concluded he had fallen asleep, as the book turned out to be a num ber of a certain eminent periodical but he never awoke again, and the cause of his death was ascer* tained, beyond all doubt, to be a criticism on his poem, contained in that work. I pass over the tears of his relations, the regrets of his friends, and the lamentations of the muses, who all went into mourning for their old favourite, Suffice it to say, that his loss is still felt by us all as an irreparable calamity, and that we should cer* tainly have prosecuted the writer of this murder ous criticism, had it not been found out, on inquiry, SALMAGUNDI. 157 that he was an honest, well-meaning person, who was supposed to be somewhat deranged in conse quence of a fit of astonishment, at discovering that he had unwarily trespassed upon the limits of common sense in one of his productions. Our cousin left behind him several little pieces of poetry, some half finished, and others almost illegible from the infinite number of corrections they have undergone. Among these are a few that we propose to lay before our readers from time to time, as occasion may offer, hoping that the bloodthirsty appetites of his old enemies are by this time satiated with other victims. The little piece which follows was written by Pindar when he was a fiery youth of two-and-twenty, and the circumstances are taken from real life. As the parties are all long since dead, I insert the poem as introductory to the story with which it is con nected, and which I shall lay before the reader in a future number. ELEGY ON A LADY SACRIFICED TO GOLD. HER eyes were like the star-wrought firmament, Ethereal blue, and lighted with pale fires, Mild as the moonbeams when with shadows blent, Speaking calm wishes, sweet, yet chaste de sires. 14 158 SALMAGUNDI. On her ripe cheek the rose did sometimes blow, When a quick mantling blush abided there ; But oftener, the pale lily, white as snow, Shed its soft hue beneath the shadowy hair. That hair seem'd as 'twas made for aye to twist Round captiv'd hearts and never let them go, So wantonly it tangled round, and kiss'd Her lovely cheek, blue eye, and brow of snow. I've seen twin rose-buds blushing side by side, When morning dews the insect rabble sip ; But never yet did hue or sweet abide, On dew-lapp'd rose, like those on her red lip. No wandering shepherd, who sojourns awhile In bless'd Arabia, where the spices grow, E'er saw the morn of May wear such a smile, Or knew such sweets as from those lips did flow. I've heard the turtle moan her roundelay, The breathing flute, and hunter's mellow horn, Winding in soften'd distance, far away, Along the hills, by answering echoes borne : But when she spoke, and plaintive smil'd the while, Op'd her red lip, and show'd the ivory row, There was a harmony in speech and smile, That turtle, flute, or horn did never know. SALMAGUNDI. 159 Thus cloth'd with every attribute of Heav'n, She seem'd by holy Providence designed A rich and bright temptation, to be giv'n, For some heroic act, or task of mind. But she was thrown away upon a clod Of senseless earth, with neither heart nor soul ; A libel both on nature and on God A man who liv'd for gambling and the bowl. Who knew not what a treasure he possess'd, But threw it from him as a worthless toy, And turn'd from where an angel would have bless'd, To scenes of senseless riot, beastly joy. The animal was rich, and her harsh sire, Who could not comprehend a greater good, Condemn'd his child to this ordeal of fire, And sacrific'd to gold his flesh and blood. At his command a heartless hand she gave, Surrendered a cold, shrinking, lifeless form, And gave up one so beautiful and brave, To consort with a wretched earth-born worm.. For wo was her ! she lov'd another man* A man to whom this husband was no more Than was the beast that through the forest ran, To the gay hunter, who his honours wore. 160 SALMAGUNDI. Glory and love were his most prime delights, But virtuous love, in truth, he valued best, And snatch'd at glory, as a heav'nly light, To waken love in some high woman's breast. But what of that ! the ties of gentle love Are naught to those that only breathe for gold ; So Av'rice burst the bands Affection wove, And the bright victim, like a slave, was sold. Yet though they drove her to another's bed, They could not make the hapless girl forget, Another hand should to the church have led, Another heart her throbbing heart have met. Heart-burning wishes, and heart-sick disgust, By turns or scorch'd or froze her gentle blood ; And life was one hard struggle from the first, To conquer hate, and quell love's raging flood. And she did conquer, but it cost her life ; For cruel was the strife she had to bear, Between the love-lorn mistress, wretched wife, Blooming and beck'ning Love, and withered stern Despair Pale grew her cheek, and paler every day, Yet still sad patience bided in her eye Slowly, yet surely, sorrow work'd its way ; She died without a struggle, or a sigh. SALMAGUNDI. 161 One dark November day, when a chill blast Swept through the churchyard with a moan ing sound ; When round, the wither'd leaves were idly cast, And the dry grass lay dead upon the ground I follow'd her pale corse to its sad cell, Where all that once was beauty now repos'd, And heard the hollow earth sound, slowly swell, Fainter and fainter, till the grave was clos'd. I saw an old man with a head of snow, Stand like a statue, cut from solid stone ; A sad and moveless monument of wo, Beside the grave all desolate and lone. No wringing of the feeble hands was here, Nor heaving breast discharging heavy sighs, Norfurrow'd cheek moistened with trickling tear Despair alone glar'd in his hollow eyes. And I would not have had that old man's heart, For all this world's wealth twenty times full told ; Nor borne its slow, consuming, killing smart For 'twas the father, who his daughter sold ! 162 SALMAGUNDI. No. V. SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 4, 1819. FROM MY ELBOW CHAIR. IF there by chance be any of our early readers, who, for old acquaintance' sake, feel an interest in the welfare of my worthy cousin Christopher Cockloft and his excellent family, they will be pleased to hear some account of the present state of these my hospitable relatives. I believe 1 promised something of this sort in our preliminary essay, and as during the present season there is a great dearth of incidents in fashionable life, in con sequence of the dispersion of the migratory portion of the beau-monde, I will take advantage of the favourable opportunity to keep my word. We are now all together at the Hall, each one pursuing his favourite occupation, and seeking amusement in the way that suits him best ; for so long as we keep from breaking the Sabbath, and avoid doing any thing wrong the rest of the week, there are no limits to the indulgence of whim, caprice, or inclination. Here then, enjoying, as I do, the glorious privilege of doing as I like, sur rounded by those I love, greeted on every side with SALMAGUNDI. 163 the smile of affectionate regard, and reposing in full view of all that charms in the wonderful crea tions of bounteous nature, let me indulge my feel ings, in sketching the social circle which surrounds me, and the mutations of time, whose footsteps, silent as they are, leave traces that mark his course to the period when our days cease to be numbered. The old Hall still holds up its head against the wind and weather, though to say the truth, it every year exhibits, more and more, the outward and visible signs of approaching decay. Like all an cient and respectable mansions, it abounds in rats, which have multiplied amazingly of late years, notwithstanding the incredible exertions of the old terriers and cats, assisted by divers ingenious con trivances for their destruction, which the old gentle man devised in conjunction with a worthy neigh bour, whom I purpose at some future time to introduce to my readers, and who is well worth their knowing. These vermin have made excellent turnpike roads all through the walls, and run races backwards and forwards at night, making a most alarming clatter, insomuch that it begins to be whispered in the kitchen that the house is actually haunted. The servants always go up stairs at night in procession, and take turns who shall go first. Jeremy Cockloft on one occasion wrote a Latin letter, which he boasted would free the house from these troublesome inmates ; Pindar Cockloft 164 SALMAGUNDI. followed it up with a Poetical Epistle, and the old lady invited them to a supper of ratsbane. All these failing, the squire subsidized a valiant drum mer from Castle Clinton, who formerly beat the great drum at the theatre ; and who made the very walls tremble with his intolerable din; but still they retained, and are likely to retain possession, until they find the walls ready to tumble about their ears, when, like true politicians, they will probably seek a better establishment. The last effort to dislodge them was made by Will Wizard, who came near frightening them away, with a Chinese manuscript from the top of a box of tea, which puzzled them apparently as much as a worn- out inscription sometimes does a pains-taking hunter of antiquities. My grave and scientific readers may perhaps wonder at our descending to such minute and apparently insignificant particu lars; but if they will only come and sleep at Cockloft Hall, if it be but for a single night, they will find that the rats are by no means to be over looked in the enumeration of its inhabitants. A person accustomed to the appearances usually most prominent about this old place, will not fail to notice the absence of two well-known and impor tant objects, which either presented themselves, or were pointed out to every visiter. The first is the old cherry-tree of which I formerly made mention, as having been planted by the squire in his youth ful days. This was blown down about three years SALMAGUNDI. 165 ago, and its fall was shortly after followed by the death of old Caesar, who took it so to heart, that he never enjoyed his evening pipe afterwards. I remember, it was one fine summer afternoon, we were sitting in the enjoyment of that luxurious listlessness, which forms one of the delights of our warm season in the country. The windows were all up the old honeysuckles, mingling with the rose bushes, clambered about them, and clung to the crevices of the ancient walls, while the little birds, half domesticated, twittered among them, as though in the wild solitudes of the woods. By-and- by a little black cloud appeared, slowly climbing above the majestic cliffs, that form the western barrier of one of the most beautiful of rivers the wind became hushed, as the cloud rose higher, and spread wider and wider the birds ceased to twitter the leaves and every thing in nature stood stock still, while Mrs. Cockloft, with the sage prescience appertaining to an experienced housewife, sent round the maids to shut all the windows. In a little while, the thunder grumbled at a distance, and the young ladies, together with their good mother, at this signal, retired to a dark room, where they secured their safety by intrenching them selves between two feather beds, which Jeremy had assured them were non-conductors. For my part, I stood at a window fronting the west, with the squire, watching the cloud as it rose, and ad miring the zigzag lightning, crossing its black and 166 SALMAGUNDI. sulphureous bosom, and occasionally tinging its darkness with the radiance of heavenly fires. To me there is something in such a scene more eleva ting and sublime than any other of the phenomena of nature. The hurricane and the earthquake are terrible and destructive ; but the dangers of a thunder-storm are too remote to excite a ration al and well-grounded apprehension. To me, the lightning is not the wrathful fire of an offended Deity, nor the thunder his voice, denouncing con demnation and punishment on the guilty. I view the one as well as the other as grand instruments of the divine beneficence, refreshing the earth and purifying the air ; and when, after the storm is passed away, the rainbow arches the eastern cloud, who can forget that it is there as a sign that the waters will never again be permitted to destroy the race of man ? When, therefore, I hear, as I have some times done, enlightened men, even in the pulpit, become the champions of ignorance and supersti tion, by making these common and natural appear ances the immediate indications of divine wrath, as well as the immediate instruments of divine punishment, I pity their superstition, or despise their hypocrisy. As we stood in silence, watching the approach of the cloud, its edges became ragged, it burst and separated into dark flakes, whirring about, the sport of conflicting eddies of air, and in a moment after, the wind struck from the high cliff down SALMAGUNDI. 167 upon the river, and covered it with a sheet of white foam. The vessels scudded under bare poles, the spray and dust, mingling together, flew up into the heavens, and the old cherry-tree, at the first blast, fell to the ground almost without a struggle. " It has gone before me," said old Christopher ; " who shall complain of the shortness of life, when all live long enough to bury half the friends they love, and see the cherished objects of their youth level led in the dust ?" The storm soon passed away, and as the dark cloud rose above the palisades, it seemed as if a thick curtain had been withdrawn from the face of nature, disclosing all her late hidden beauties in the glowing west. The sun, just setting, broke forth, covering the dripping grass and woods with millions of sparkling gems, the birds carolled blithely, as though the waters had been rosy wine, and the earth seemed like to some youthful beauty just stepping from a luxuriant bath clean, sweet, and blooming, decked with the colours and the in cense of a thousand flowers. Then came forth the fire-fly, the moth, and the bat and then ven tured from their feathery covert Mrs. Cockloft and her blooming daughters. They had been told of the catastrophe of the cherry-tree, and the good lady attempted to condole with her husband. " It was so old it could not have stood out much longer and it was so full of gum, and bred so many insects we will plant another, and it will 168 SALMAGUNDI. soon grow again." " Plant another soon grow again ;" repeated Christopher pettishly " Yes, wife, we can plant another, and it will soon grow again. But we shall never live to see it, and all the pleasant recollections of my younger days when I planted that old tree will they too grow up with the one we shall plant in its stead ? Young people" turning to his daughters, who are verging only on forty " young people may renew lost pleasures, and replace their old friends with new ones but the tree I have planted, and the friends I have followed to the grave, there is no time left me to renew." Don't let any of my readers suppose, for a mo ment, that I believe in those old romances, where the lives of heroes and heroines are frequently made, by the sublime art of gramary, to depend on a flower or a tree, with whose fate they are mys teriously identified. I believe no such thing ; but certain it is, that old Caesar seemed smitten with the same blast that levelled the old cherry-tree, which it seems he had assisted his master to plant, some sixty years before. He withered day after day, and fought it out manfully with his old enemies the witches, who took advantage of his weakness to beset him sorely. Numerous were the contests he had with these mischievous hags, who plagued him so that he could get no sleep at night. At last, being quite out of patience with these pesti lent intruders, he one night raised himself on his SALMAGUNDI. 169 elbow, and boldly expostulated with them, for thus troubling the last hours of a poor old negro, who never did them any harm, and had even refused to assist at a witch-burning, on one occasion, in Con necticut. Being reasonable goblins, they departed, and never troubled him afterwards. But though his religious impressions were min gled with many of the superstitions common to his race, yet he seemed to have a vague idea of Chris tian metaphysics. No nq.eans, however, were suffi^ cient to convince him that his illness did not pro ceed altogether from witchcraft; nor could his young mistresses, who were oldfashioned enough to think a faithful servant not quite beneath their cares, persuade him to take any thing but remedies against his enemies, the witches. It is impossible to enumerate the strange mixtures he directed to be prepared for this end, or the singular fancies which ignorance and early impressions had min gled in his mind, disturbed as it was with pain. Sometimes the poor old soul imagined the room was full of cats, come thither to scratch him to death; and again, that the angels were waiting round, to carry him to Heaven. It was curious to see how the errors of his early impressions for he was sixteen years old when brought from Africa had mixed up with the sim ple ideas implanted subsequently, respecting the Christian religion. His kind mistresses ministered to the wants of his soul, as well as the infirmities VOL. i. H 15 1TO SALMAGITNDI. of his body, and endeavoured to make him com prehend the mysteries of our faith. But they were beyond his reach, He feared, he said, " the Lord would not know him" meaning that lowly as he was, it might escape the Divinity that such a being had ever existed. His decay was gradual, but the state of his mind was singularly compounded of the mistakes of ignorance, and the ramblings of light-headedness, as it is called. The day before he died, I was in to see him. " Massa Launcelot," said he, " think old negro like me ever go to heav en ?" " I warrant you, old Caesar," replied I. He seemed comforted with the assurance, but still a doubt hung on his mind " What will old negro like me do there ?" Then his eye seemed glad for a moment, and his last words were " Never mind I can wait upon the angels." My worthy cousin took the fall of his two old friends, as just related, very much to heart, and for some days neglected those rural plans and rural occupations which had been his hobby-horses for some time. It would fill a volume to record the various pursuits of the squire during the last ten or a dozen years. Suffice it to say, that his favour ite hobby at this time was farming. He had not long before been chosen Vice-President of an Ag ricultural Society, and has ever since been so bu sily engaged in the science of rural economy, as the gentlemen farmers call it, that, provided he is not ruined beforehand, he will certainly bring it as SALMAGUNDI. 171 nearly as possible to actual perfection. His first grand experiment was made in the second year of the late war, when he turned his famous fishpond, grievously abounding in all sorts of reptiles, into a hemp-field ; the nation being at that time very much in want of that article. He employed an army of Irishmen to ditch it ploughed it a dozen times with his double-moulded English plough har rowed the very soul out with an iron-toothed har row lost a horse and a pair of oxen in the mire, and finally got an immense crop. True it is, that it did not half pay for the labour employed in its production but what of that ? My cousin wrote a memoir on the subject, which was published in the journal of the society, and got a silver medal. I think it was about this time that the Merino mania began to rage, and my good cousin never escaped a mania in his life. He was carried away outright by the current, and purchased several sheep of the genuine breed at an enormous price, with which he stocked a farm he had bought on purpose. Thus prepared, he negotiated for the hire of a famous Humphreys ram, which he paid, I think, three hundred and fifty dollars the season for, and brought all the way from Connecticut himself, in his own carriage. It was a fine sight to see the horns of this dignified animal sticking out of the carriage window, and I recollect poor Pindar Cockloft, who was at that time living, wrote an epigram, in which he brought in the crest of King Pyrrhus, which it H 2 172 SALMAGUNDI. seems was a pair of goat's horns ; and which so affronted the squire's lady, that she never rode in the coach afterwards But I don't know how it was, though the squire had made his calculations so that he could not possibly lose by this plan, the establishment brought him in debt every year, and in the end he sold farm, sheep, and all, at a loss of about five thousand dollars. The old gentleman don't like to hear this story, but as is usually the case with all sore subjects, he is likely never to hear the last of it. He next entered the lists with a neighbouring gentleman farmer, belonging to the same society, which had offered a premium of fifty dollars for the best crop of corn from a single acre. The rest of the farm was now entirely left to its fate, and this fortunate little acre was manured and ploughed until it could hold out no longer. Old Caesar was at that time prime minister, and kept every creature about the place employed in this momentous affair, lest the honour of his master might suffer. To make an end Christopher beat his antagonist by ever so many grains, and won the premium, which, together with the corn, he ex pended in fattening an ox, for a great cattle -show then impending. Beshrew me, worthy reader, if monarch on his throne the Grand Lama, or even the bull Apis himself, was ever petted, pampered, rubbed, scrubbed, and stuffed, like unto this ma jestic quadruped. By the time the show came on SALMAGUNDI. 173 he had grown to a great size, and eaten up every thing on the farm, besides the proceeds of the pre mium. However, to the infinite content of Mrs. Cock loft, who began to anticipate a famine, the cattle- show came at last. The old squire set out in his carriage, accompanied by Jeremy, who carried a biography of the ox in his portfolio, written by him self, escorted by old Caesar, and all the household troops, terriers and all, who turned out in honour of this Egyptian divinity. After an oration by Jer emy, and a stout dinner, followed by several patri otic toasts, the decisions were made by the judges, and the Cockloft ox came in only second best. It seems, a cunning varlet from Jamaica, on Long Island, had pampered his ox with ruta baga, and everybody ascribed his victory to that miraculous vegetable. Jeremy endeavoured to maintain the honour of the family, by exhibiting an onion nine teen inches in circumference ; but the fates were that day adverse to the house of Cockloft. The young squire was thrown quite into the back ground, by a member who electrified the whole society, as well as several spectators, by producing a ruta baga, four hundred and thirty-eight thousand times heavier than the seed from which it grew, and which he proved had gained, since the planting, seven times the weight of the seed in every minute, whereas the onion only gained threefold in the same time. Hereupon the society turned up their noses 274 SALMAGUNDI. at Jeremy's onion, and the old squire returned home considerably out of humour. Reflecting, however, on the marvellous wonders he had heard concerning the ruta baga, he was luckily inspired with the prodigious idea of turning his whole farm into one great field for the cultiva tion of that meritorious vegetable. He accordingly procured several quarts of the genuine seed, and, determined to do nothing by halves, he hired a tall Cumberland moss-trooper, who, like a true borderer, as was afterwards found out slept half the day, and plundered the squire every night. This tall over seer took the field as commander in this great ruta baga expedition, to the great mortification of old Caesar, who became exceedingly restive, and made a point of mistaking all the orders of the com- mander-in-chief, who, to confess the truth, spoke a language, which, like Berwick-upon-Tweed, seem ed to belong neither to England or Scotland, though something between both. Now began the ploughing crosswise, this way and every way. To this succeeded the dividing of the fields into rows of equal distances, and with all the precision used in measuring a degree of longitude, at a given distance from the poles. Afterwards came the seeding, the transplanting, the system of evaporating, and various other mat ters, which I cannot particularize, not being a gen tleman farmer. Finally, the ruta baga did, how ever, as in duty bound, grow to a size of great SALMAGUNDI. 175 dignity. The different fields produced a most lux uriant crop, and it was well they did, for there was nothing else to live on but ruta baga. The squire had given up raising potatoes, having lately been convinced that they contained little or no nourish ment. Wheat and corn were also in disgrace with him, ever since Sir Humphrey Davy proved that an acre of ruta baga would produce twice the nourishment which could be derived from an acre of either of the former. In short, the whole estab lishment, servants, cattle, and swine, were con demned to a ruta baga regimen, and the conse quence was, that the milk and butter came to taste very much of that unparalleled vegetable. This I mention as a curious fact, worthy the attention of all my country readers who keep a dairy, and who perchance may have been led astray from the cul tivation of those rich and waving fields of wheat and corn, that whilom were the pride of the farmer and the source of his prosperity. It was about this time, if I remember right, that Will Wizard happened to mention the immense crops of Kouw-leang, or millet, produced from an acre of ground, by a peculiar mode of cultivation practised among the Chinese, on the great river Peiho. My estimable cousin happens to be one of that numerous class of people who are smitten with every kind of novelty, especially if it comes from abroad. It is his settled opinion that an im ported plan, an imported book, or an imported seed, 176 SALMAGUNDI. is worth half a dozen of domestic origin, no matter whether or not they are suitable to the country or the climate. He acts upon the principle that na ture has been guilty of innumerable blunders, in neglecting almost entirely to accommodate the dif ferent soils and climates of the world with suitable productions ; an omission which can only be rem edied by the exertions of patriotic societies and in dividuals. Conformably with this system of reasoning and acting, the squire fell in love with the Kouw-leang, to the total neglect and abandonment of the ruta baga, and is now assiduously employed in that hopeful project under the particular superintend ence of Will. As usual, every thing else is neg lected for this new whim-wham, which, I sup pose, will end in the total failure of Christopher's sanguine expectations. Indeed, I sometimes fear my worthy cousin will go near to ruin himself, before he makes the discovery that every country has its peculiar modes of cultivation, and its pecu liar productions, best suited to its situation that these will necessarily change whenever they cease to be applicable to the actual state of things and that a system of rural economy, adapted to a country where land is dear and labour cheap, is not exactly calculated for one where labourers are scarce and land abundant. Having already extended this article beyond the SALMAGUNDI. 177 patience of most fashionable readers, I must re serve a sketch of the other members of the Cock loft family to some future opportunity. THE FASHIONABLE DINNER. THE other day I received an invitation from my worthy friend, Mr. Tubman, to dine with him. As the card was dated ten days beforehand, and five o'clock the hour appointed, I concluded it was some extraordinary occasion, and dressed accord ingly. On entering the drawing-room, with that punctuality which I consider a great virtue in these cases, my old friend took care to let me know, in a confidential whisper, that the dinner was given to a titled .foreigner of great distinction, who had brought him a letter of introduction from a particu lar friend, high in office at the seat of government. Our entertainer and his lady seemed puffed up with more than ordinary consequence, and, by pas sing in and out of the room every five minutes, with faces of busy importance, convinced the com pany they were put to great inconvenience to enter tain them. The dining-room being on the same floor with the drawing-room, and separated only by a large folding door, we occasionally detected the lady, like old Hardcastle, drilling the servants into H3 178 SALMAGUNDI. proper discipline for this extraordinary occasion, and not unfrequently getting out of patience, and scolding them roundly. All this, as may be sup posed, destroyed every idea of social enjoyment on the part of the guests, who gave so much trouble, and, accordingly, we all sat in rueful solemnity, like people at a funeral, waiting the appearance of the venerable sexton to announce the moving of the procession. The principal guest arrived about half past five, and was received with such cumbrous, illplaced welcome, as I could easily perceive laid him under considerable embarrassment, although a perfect man of the world. Indeed, I have often had occasion to observe that nothing, not even laughter, is more catching than awkwardness, and have more than once seen the best bred man in the world entirely thrown out, by the clumsy attempts of his enter tainers to be insufferably polite. After this recep tion, my worthy friend rubbed his hands and began to lament his embarrassments of trade, the stagna tion of business, and the scarcity of money ; not that he, for his particular part, cared about these things for himself, being quite out of business, and entirely above such matters. Mrs. Tubman also put in a word now and then, and approved herself almost as great an adept in commercial matters as her husband. She entertained his lordship with various interesting stories of people that had grown immensely rich by a fortunate hit, and pointed out SALMAGUNDI 179 several excellent speculations to his notice. It was not a little amusing to contrast the self-satis fied and consequential air Jof the excellent Tub* man, with the restrained look and embarrassed civility of his distinguished guest, who seemed equally inclined to be ashamed of himself, and to laugh at his host. At half past six, it being then candle-light, we were informed that dinner was on the table, and much polite embarrassment arose on the score of precedency ; for I have observed, during my recess in the country, this has become a matter of very considerable consequence. I have more than once caught a lady making most extraordinary exertions to gain a seat near the head of a public supper- table, within speaking distance of a foreign minis* ter's lady. From the zeal with which these affairs are contested, even among us sturdy republicans, it would seem all personal consequence, as well as intrinsic dignity of character, was dependant, not on ourselves, but on the notice or the proximity of those in more elevated stations But Mrs. Tubman, whom I have often seen per forming the most Amazonian feats to gain an hon ourable seat at city assembly suppers, being re* solved to do the genteel thing, and establish an incontestable claim to good breeding, insisted on entering the dining-room with her husband in the rear of the procession. By this well-bred arrange ment, it became difficult to distinguish the head 180 SALMAGUNDI. from the foot of the table, and, as might be ex pected, much confusion took place in the arrange ment of the guests, as the distinguished foreigner was of course entitled to a seat on the right hand of the lady. My good friend, Mr. Tubman, how ever, being, as it would seem, determined not to be outdone in good breeding by his wife, most heroically insisted upon his taking the head of the table, and cutting up a saddle of venison, for the gratification of the company, not one of whom had ever the felicity of seeing a person of his rank perform that feat. This affair being at length hap pily adjusted, we were permitted to eat, but not in peace. Such, however, was the superior excel lence of the dinner and wines, and such the mag nificence of his table, that I confess to my readers, for some time, I verily believe, the company forgot all the defects of our host's breeding. For my part, I freely declare, that, as I contemplated Mrs. Tubman through the classic figures and bouquets of flowers that ornamented a superb silver plateau, reaching almost from one end of the table to the other, I mistook her for a perfectly well-bred lady, and came near forgetting entirely, that not fine feathers, but fine manners, make fine birds. The delusion seemed likewise to extend to the principal guest, who was indeed a perfectly well-bred man, and seemed gradually to incline to a degree of pleasantry befitting the occasion. Our worthy entertainers, however, soon took SALMAGUNDI. 181 especial care to convince us all that we were mor tal. If any of the company, and especially his lordship, happened to ask for a piece of bread> Tubman would forthwith hitch himself suddenly round, and vociferate, " Tom, don't you hear, my lord wants a piece of bread." If he asked to have his plate changed, it was " Zounds, sir, can't you see, my lord wants his plate changed." The con sequence was, that in a little time, all the servants had their eyes fixed upon his lordship, and of course nobody else received the least attention. This in creased the good Tubman's difficulties, and the confusion of his domestics, who, in proportion as the worthy man's wrath increased, became half wild with a desire to anticipate our wants. I re member my plate was changed four times before I had an opportunity of tasting what was on it, and once expressing a wish for a glass of porter, five or six were presented at the same moment. The good Tubman hereupon actually called them a pack of " stupid rascals," and was heard to swear audibly on several occasions. His lordship being a little inclined to mischief, set the example of wanting a vast many things, and this being follow ed by the company, who fell into his humour, so many wants were announced at the same time from all parts of the table, that poor Tubman at length got into a perfect fever, to the great amuse ment of us all. It was "zounds, sir, don't you see his lordship wants this;" and "you stupid 16 182 SALMAGUNDI. blockhead, don't you hear Dr. Wormwood ask fot that ;" till the whole exhibition became irresistibly ludicrous. The dinner being over, Mr. Tubman heaved a long and heavy sigh, for his labours were now at an end, and Mrs. Tubman took the command of the dessert. Now came the cut glass of countless price, the silver, and the china, freighted with all the delicacies of nature and art. But some ma lignant planet hung that day over the destinies of the Tubmans. The servants not having got over the flurry of the dinner, scarcely laid any thing in its proper place, and the confusion increased. The lady, to do her justice, conducted herself with much more breeding than her husband, and kept her temper wonderfully. At first she merely looked hard at these incorrigible offenders, then she shook her head, and then her finger significantly. Find ing this did not answer, she began to reprimand in a sort of stage whisper, and I could occasionally distinguish a variety of minute directions, and laconic lectures, aspirated in a tone of suppressed anguish, dismay, and indignation, most happily blended. The whole household seemed now in most irre trievable confusion. I particularly noticed a capital fellow, who had been promoted from the stable, to assist on this trying occasion. Whether it was that he felt rather awkward in his new service, or the presence of a lord overawed him, or that the SALMAGUNDI. 183 on the lii-ow of his mistress dismayed his understanding, I cannot say, but he was beyond all question the Falstaff of waiters, for he not only waited himself, but caused others to wait also. When asked for any thing by a person on the opposite side of the table, he made a point of for getting the aforesaid table, and running full against it by way of a short cut. But this was nothing to the difficulty which occurred, when he happened to be applied to by two persons at a time, for two different things. This, together with Tubman's threatening gestures, and Mrs. Tubman's threaten ing aspect, generally completed the wreck of his understanding, and he would stand stock still, with month awfully dilated into an immeasurable stare of astonishment and dismay. Mrs. Tubman finally fanned herself into a fume, and Mr. Tubman's spirits seemed quite departed from him, when about half past eight, the ambassador's carriage arrived, and the company separated, exceedingly overpow ered with their entertainment. I have not introduced this sketch with a design, to throw ridicule on that numerous and respectable class of people, who have become rich by the ex ercise of the two great national virtues, industry and economy. If I were called upon to decide between the intrinsic worth of these sterling habits, and the mere artificial tinsel of fashionable man ners and fashionable style, I should not hesitate a moment in preferring the former. These furnish 184 SALMAGUNDI. the basis of almost all that maintains the pros perity of a nation ; while the latter constitute the mere shallow support of a vain and frivolous affec tation of superiority. It is proper, too, that people should alter their modes of life, and increase their expenditures, as they grow rich. Ambition is moreover a legitimate offspring of wealth, and it is extremely natural that people, who have elevated themselves above their early associates in their style of living, should aspire to the company of those whom they have been long accustomed to- consider their superiors. But still, things that are perfectly natural, may not always be strictly proper. Though I am too much of a republican to tolerate even the most remote approaches towards a distinction of ranks, still I must insist that there are certain distinctions^ founded in the immutable principles of reason, and which may and ought to subsist in all countries claiming an association with the civilized world. These distinctions do not extend to exclusive po litical rights, nor have they the least connexion with the adventitious circumstances of birth or sta tion. In the eye of the law, of the public authori ties, and in the participation of political rights, let all men be equal but not in the drawing-rooms, or the assemblages of well-bred people. A man may go to the polls, and exercise his right of suffrage in a red flannel waistcoat and tow linen trousers if he will ; but I must beg leave to demur to his entering SALMAGUNDI. 185 a dancing-room in the same costume. Repub licanism is not necessarily either low-bred or vulgar ; there is a genteel republicanism, quite compatible with all the salutary distinctions neces sary to keep up that refinement of manners, so essential to purity of morals ; and those who, under pretence of standing up for equal rights, disdain to dress even with cleanliness at a lady's drawing- room, are no more republicans on that account, than the Adamites are Christians for bidding de fiance to decency, and going entirely naked. It appears to me that society has suffered very con siderably from this unnatural association of the rights of the people with the privileges of draw ing-rooms, and that it is high time for us to begin to distinguish between what is essential to political freedom, and what has no connexion with it what ever. The objects of social and polite intercourse are, if I rightly estimate them, either pleasure or im provement. For the former purpose it seems necessary that the parties to this social compact should be nearly on, a par, as respects those refine ments considered essential in well-bred people. For the purposes of the latter, it seems no less necessary, that those who come to receive instruc tion, should be sufficiently at their ease to attend to their instructers. If these positions are correct, it follows that there is neither reason or propriety in the association of the ignorant and low-bred, J86 SALMAGUNDI. with the polite and well educated, at least in draw ing-rooms, since neither pleasure or improvement will probably be derived from this ill-sorted con nexion. The line which separates them at this precise point is founded in reason and utility, and has no more connexion with an aristocracy, than superior talents or accomplishments make an aris tocrat. The moment a man or a woman of good char acter become properly qualified in manners or accomplishments to give or to receive pleasure, in what is called good society, I am for admitting them without the least hesitation, and not before. Political freedom has little to do in domestic ar rangements, and the sticklers for this species of equality seem to forget that they tacitly acknowl edge their sense of inferiority, when they submit to neglect, if not to downright rudeness, in order to maintain a mortifying intercourse with those whom they affirm to be only their equals. If there is this perfect equality, to what purpose take all this trouble, and put up with all these mortifica tions ? Mr. Tubman, for instance, is a very worthy, useful, rich, and well-meaning man ; and his wife is a very respectable woman in her way. She is very well among those who have been brought up with a similar neglect of the Muses and the Graces, and would be looked up to by them all, were she content to be their leader. Nay, this worthy couple might venture occasionally upon a ball, SALMAGUNDI. 187 where the lady has nothing to do but make curte- sies, and the gentleman may play at whist. But they had better eschew great dinners to foreigners of distinction. A great dinner is an ordeal which only the very best bred people, schooled by early habit, can go through with honour to themselves and pleasure to their guests. FROM OUR NEW-ENGLAND CORRESPONDENT. Painful her duties were : To sooth the cureless pinings of old age ; To minister to worn-out mind and body, And be repaid with querulous complaint, Instead of thanks and blessings Yet she perform'd them and that so smilingly ! THE duties to be performed, the privations to be endured, and the heart-wringings to be suffered, are nearly the same in every situation of life. Providence, in the general distribution of happiness, or rather misery for happiness is only the dream of inexperience has not exempted any reasoning being from the intrusion of that familiar and ma lignant spirit which haunts us wherever we go, meets us at " Philippi" and everywhere else, and, not content with poisoning our waking moments, often in the silence of midnight draws the curtains of the wearied sleeper, whispering in his ear tales IBS SALMAGUNDI. of horror, from which he only escapes to the per ception of real, substantial misery. The writers of tales of imagination have idly pictured the rural fields, the recesses of lofty mountains, and the banks of crystal streams, that murmur and mean der through verdant vales and whispering forests, as the abodes of a race of beings exempt from the common miseries of human nature, and leading a life of innocent repose, unknown and unimagined by the inhabitants of towns and cities. But it is not so. There are guilt and transgres sion everywhere ; and wherever these are, there must be suffering. It is not the sweet aspect of nature, her smiles, her music, or her silent seduc tions, that can sooth the bitterness of sorrow, or soften the pang of remorse. These are the recrea tions of a mind at ease ; but the loss of happiness robs them of every soothing charm, as the loss of health causes us to turn with loathing from the food we were accustomed to relish. Providence is not unjust ; and as infinite wisdom knows that men cannot choose either their course through the world, or their place of repose when the active exertions of life have ended in the fruition or dis appointment of hope, so has infinite goodness ordained, that whether our path lead through the crowded streets or the rural fields, is of little con sequence, so long as we pursue our course inno cently and usefully. Let not the inhabitant of the bustling city, while he complains of the racket of SALMAGUNDI. 189 the noisy scene, the rubs and contests he endures in jostling with his fellows in the eternal round of busy selfishness, imagine that it is only to retire to the enjoyment of quiet and repose to be happy. Still less let the rural tenant of some unvisited recess, while the listlessness of blank vacuity hangs upon his flagging spirits, robbing imagina tion of its wings, and hope of its bright beckoning beacon, persuade himself that the amusements or occupations of the city would make him happy. Were they to change places, the one would but barter the feverish agitations of hopes and fears, for ennui and spleen ; and the other exchange the occasional want of excitement, to which habit had in some degree reconciled him, for a vexatious and perpetual bustle, to which he can never become reconciled. To be satisfied with the spot on which we are placed to endeavour to make ourselves useful in it to struggle against our own misfortunes, and to alleviate those of our kindred and neighbours, is, after all, not only the best, but the easiest mode of passing our lives. Everywhere the same power of fate, which is but a compound of accident and mismanagement, produces examples that call forth the exercise of those duties, which to perform as we ought is the surest method to be happy, or rather to alleviate our own sorrows. The exercise of well-directed and well-sustained duties causes a sweet complacency to settle upon the soul, and 190 SALMAGUNDI. wakes a whispering consciousness of well-doing, which, without making it proud, enables it to hope humbly. Indeed, the sufferings of those we love are not more alleviated by our kindness, than our own sympathies for them are sweetened by those watchful cares, those hallowed tendernesses, which helplessness demands by its weakness, and repays with smiling thanks, or grateful tears. Close by the little straggling village in which I at present reside, there lives an old man, whose family consists of a son and daughter, both grown up. The father is rather of the richer class of farmers, but is old as well as infirm, and about four years ago was smitten with a paralytic stroke, which was followed by the most bitter of all calamities to the friends of the sufferer, if not to the sufferer himself. His wholesome faculties fell into confu sion, which is every day increasing. He often knows not what he wants, and what is yet more affecting, his speech has become so embarrassed, that it is extremely difficult to understand him. The daughter is a plain, intelligent girl, whose edu cation has been well conducted, and whose mind is mellowed and refined by a good deal of judicious reading. The son has been brought up entirely on the farm, and is not only stupid, but, I fear, un feeling. From this circumstance, the care of the father falls almost entirely upon the daughter. But even if the son was ever so kind-hearted, it is not to SALMAGUNDI. 191 man that man himself looks for that soothing sym pathy, that patient watchfulness, that ever-during, untiring kindness, which bears up against all the querulous repinings, capricious wants, and ungrate ful complainings of hopeless, incurable infirmity. The intercourse of men is the rivalry of interest or ambition, the struggle of mind with mind, the igno ble contest of cunning and inexperience. But in disappointment, sickness, and sorrow, when his hopes are wrecked, his body weakened, his heart broken, and his mind bereft of its native energy then it is, that having searched the world around for a resting-place, and found it all one waste of troubled waters, he turns to the bosom of woman, like the dove to its ark, and reposes till better times, or until the curtain drops for ever. I sometimes, particularly on a Sunday afternoon, walk out to the farm, where I always see an exam ple that does me more good than a common ser mon. The old man is almost past participating in the pleasures of social intercourse, yet he seems pleased with the visits of those he is used to see, and always holds out his hand to me when I come. But his wants are insatiable, like those of a froward child, and being incapable of expressing them dis tinctly, he becomes impatient when not understood, and frequently accuses his poor girl of wilfully neglecting to supply them. With the querulous spirit natural to his situation, he often treats her unkindly at the moment she is racking her imagin- 192 SALMAGUNDI. ation to find out what he means. Sometimes he weeps with infantine weakness, and at others es says, with passionate energy, to express his impa tience at being, as he unjustly supposes, wilfully misunderstood. One would be inclined, from a general observa tion of human life, to believe that here was a trial, which, in a little while, would either break down the mind, or harden the heart to insensibility. But it is not so with this admirable daughter. Though her long, light eyelashes sometimes glisten with tears, and I have more than once seen her turn away for a moment in the impatience of anguish, yet never, on any occasion, could I detect her in one unkind word or action, towards her stricken parent. On the contrary, hundreds of times have I watched, with sorrowing admiration, her patient endurance her never-tiring attempts to compre hend his wants, by naming every thing she could think of, and her admirable temper in submitting to unkindness, when she deserved gratitude. Once, and but once, I saw her overcome for a moment. After trying in vain all the methods experience had taught her to discover the object of his wishes, the old man exclaimed, in his broken embarrassed way, " You won't understand your poor old father." " Oh ! father" she seemed to be going on to jus tify herself from this cruel charge ; but checking her intention, only burst into tears. He looked up at her, as if neither wondering or caring what was SALMAGUNDI. 193 the matter, and, tired with fruitless exertion, sunk back in his chair, and went to sleep. Being no great admirer of that sensibility which is not only worthless, but mischievous, when it shrinks from its duties, or performs them with a grievous countenance indicative of the pain it gives, I cannot omit to notice the habit of cheerfulness preserved by this exemplary daughter throughout this lingering trial. Indeed, I have ever observed, that those who really feel most deeply the misfor tunes of their dear friends or relatives, uniformly try to bear up against them, and exhibit their sym pathy, not in the helpless indulgence of unceasing tears, but in the exercise of undeviating kindness. They not only sooth by their attentions, but strength en the sufferer by chastened and becoming cheer fulness. It never enters the thoughts of those who really grieve, that it is possible to suspect them of a want of sensibility, and consequently they strug gle, not to display, but to hide their feelings. Thus, notwithstanding the pitiable situation of the father, the daughter is neither gloomy or mel ancholy. On the contrary, there is an indescriba ble expression of something so like sober tranquil lity, if not happiness, in her plain pale countenance, something so clear and sunshiny in her blue eye, that never smiles, but is always promising to smile, that one forgets she is burdened with so many melancholy duties. She enjoys, when her charge is quiet, the books I sometimes bring her; she VOL. i. i 17 194 SALMAGUNDI. attends to the concerns of the household, where all is neat, tasteful, and orderly ; and her chitchat pos sesses a vein of wholesome cheerfulness, that be speaks a mind supported by some inward con sciousness. Neither, as I am told, does she for get the common offices of good-neighbourhood, or that social intercourse which we owe to all worthy people within the sphere of a rural acquaintance. She partakes in all the sober enjoyments of a country life she tastes of such innocent pleasures as she can attain without neglecting her parent and all that charms the most delicate taste, or the most refined imagination, in the earth and skies, is to her a source of pure delight ; for she walks in nocently and usefully on the one, and looks towards the other as to a haven of blissful repose. Let none of the sickly tribe of sentimentalists accuse my little heroine of insensibility, because, like a cunning and inspired chymist, she extracts good from evil. Her smiles are the offspring of a guiltless heart, and her cheerfulness the boon of a just God, who saw that this was to be a world of suffering, and mercifully ordained that, to alleviate the miseries of others, should be the surest way to forget our own. dALMAQUNDI. 195 No. VI. SATURDAY, OCTOBER 2, 1819. FROM MY ELBOW CHAIR. THAT man is, in my opinion, truly fortunate, who, amid the frivolous pursuits, artificial enjoyments, and heartless follies which allure him on every side, preserves a taste for the pure and simple pleasures of a country life. Whether he devotes himself to the cultivation of those productions which are ne cessary to the existence of his fellow-creatures, or amuses his leisure hours in watching the progress of his flowers, or beautifying the little world where centre all his enjoyments, still to him the benefi cent Creator has been most bountiful, by giving a source of innocent happiness, awakened by the contemplation of rural objects everywhere spread over the face of nature, and fed by the purest springs of moral and intellectual feeling. From my very boyhood, it has been my peculiar happiness to share the friendship and affection of a worthy gentleman, whose gentle virtues and sin gular turn of mind will furnish me with a happy illustration of the foregoing observations. He in- 196 SALMAGUNDI. herited from nature a mind of uncommon strength, as well as singular benevolence of heart; but ow ing to various circumstances, to his living much within the boundaries of his own territories, and exercising unlimited authority therein, his strength of mind and goodness of disposition have branched out into various peculiarities, all characteristic of the best feelings, however whimsically displayed. His ancestors were among the first Christian settlers of this fair and fertile isle, and, unlike most of their worthy cotemporaries, preserved their lands entire, although often tempted by the mighty spec ulators of the times to sell them, and become pau pers in the third generation. My old friend inher ited the whole, free from bond, note, or mortgage, and has retained them to the present time ; when, in consequence of the near approach of the city, they have become a valuable estate. I question; however, whether this immense increase of wealth makes him amends for the vexations the inroad of the town occasions him. Numerous are the border wars, the watchings and inventions, to which he is obliged to resort, in order to protect his subjects from the raids of the moss-troopers of Greenwich, the Bowery, and Kip's Bay ; and I have great doubts whether any of the renowned commanders of ancient or modern times, ever devised more ex- cellent stratagems to circumvent their enemies. Truth obliges me to confess, however, that not one of them ever succeeded, except in a single instance, SALMAGUNDI. 197 where he caught a fellow in his fowl-house by means of a contrivance of such singular excellence, that in going to secure the culprit, my old friend was himself caught in the same trap. Being thus unintentionally placed in bad company, he made the best of his situation by entering into conversa tion with his neighbour, who gave such an affect ing account of the distresses of his family, that the old gentleman became an accomplice in robbing his own henroost, and actually bestowed two of his fattest pullets upon the rogue. He denies this story, but I give the reader my word it is true. One of the most amusing peculiarities of my ex cellent old friend is an extravagant fondness for the whole animal creation. His old mansion is a kind of ark, inhabited by almost every variety of the feathered race, from the voluble and various mock- bird, to the solemn owl. His poultry-yard also abounds in a vast number of different kinds of do mestic animals and fowls, all of which he cherishes with a sort of parental affection, and among which he administers justice with the sagacity and up rightness of a Marshall. Such, indeed, is the mildness, yet vigour of his administration, that I have often looked upon him in the light of a mighty potentate, exercising an affectionate and patriarchal sway over his numerous and partycoloured sub jects, and have more than once been tempted to hold him up as an example to the present race of kings, being fully persuaded, that the same equi- 198 SALMAGUNDI. table system of legislation exercised over the hu man race, would produce a degree of happiness among my fellow-creatures, to which they are almost everywhere strangers. It is quite impossi ble for me to afford myself space for a full devel opment of all the little arts of state policy practised in the government of his animal kingdom. The reader must be content with a brief account of some of the leading features, which will, however, be amply sufficient to show the excellence of his system. Like all wise rulers, his great object is to pre serve peace and union among his subjects at home, and guard his frontiers from the incursions of ene mies abroad. Early in the morning, you will see him walk forth like one of the patriarchs of olden time. The moment he appears, his subjects come running and flying in every direction to welcome his approach, and give the merry morning saluta tion. The poultry flutter about his feet, or perch familiarly upon his shoulder, knowing by expe rience the good monarch will not harm a feather of their speckled wings. The pigeons too, of which he has a great variety, fan-tails, pouters, tumblers, and letter-carriers, the moment they see him, de scend from the air, or from the roofs of the out buildings, hovering and fluttering their congratula tions ; the turkies run gobbling towards him, the ducks and geese come waddling up with toes turned inward, while half a dozen dogs of various SALMAGUNDI. 199 generations, but all of one family, approach wag ging their tails, and leaping up to his honest old heart. All this is pleasant enough. It is like going about among the people, and receiving addresses of congratulation, such as grateful hearts bestow on those who govern wisely and justly. But it is inconceivable what difficulties my old friend has to encounter, and what exertions he is obliged to make to keep the peace among his motley subjects, when he administers their breakfast. I remember at one time there was a tall boasting gander, of the Chinese breed, who occasioned him a vast deal of trouble by reason of his quarrelsome, over bearing disposition, which kept the whole kingdom in a state of utter confusion and ferment. He was at length decreed a triangular yoke, which not only mortified his pride, but also impeded the progress of his further enormities. On another occasion there was a lordly turkey-cock, whom my old friend dubbed the noble lord in the red riband, and who, like a notable bully, stalked over the common peo ple without ceremony, creating great confusion, and sometimes trampling on the little chickens. I shall never forget the exultation of the old gen tleman when a favourite game chicken of the De- lancey breed attacked the bully one morning, and gave him such a sound drubbing that he always kept the peace afterwards. The gray-haired mon arch, like another Bonaparte, immediately erected 200 SALMAGUNDI. one of his barnyards into an independent kingdom, which he decreed to this valiant champion, together with a seraglio of half a dozen of his plump pul lets. There is a wise-looking owl, which has been attached to the court of the old gentleman for nearly twenty years past, and whom he calls his minister of police. His functions consist in the particular superintendence of the kingdom at night, when he prowls about like a trusty watchman, detecting the rats and weasels in their depredations, and putting martial law in force against them. On one occa sion, however, he was caught in the fact of eating a favourite pup spaniel, and in consequence of this abuse of power, was for some time confined to a hollow apple-tree, like a disgraced Spanish minister in the tower of Segovia. One fine morning last spring I walked out to pay a visit to this exemplary monarch, and found him in one of his best humours. He shook my hand with great glee, exclaiming at the same time, " They are come they are come !" "What, your grandsons from school ?" replied I. rt No no the martens don't you hear the little rogues twit tering on the box yonder ?" Honest, pure soul thought I happy, thrice happy, in the virtuous simplicity, which can banquet on such cheap and innocent gratifications ! Just then a tumbler pigeon flew high in the air, and, according to the singular instinct of that curious bird, poised itself for a mo ment, and throwing a somerset backwards, de- SALMAGUNDI. 201 scended again to the infinite delight of the monarch, who talked of bestowing a new coop on the occa sion, and rewarded the feat with a handful of grain, of which the rest of his courtiers, according to cus tom, managed to get the best share. I am of opin ion that my friend enjoyed this feat with much greater zest, than if he had seen the clown at the circus exhibit those wonderful evolutions, which a discerning public rewarded, not long since, with a benefit of twelve hundred dollars. We now went in to breakfast, where the good man entertained me with a long account of the wars between the pigeons and martens, the guelphs and ghibelines of his commonwealth, who alter nately turned each other out of house and home. The injuries inflicted on the swallows by the mar tens, were also another fruitful source of difficulty. " Plague take them," said he, in the tone of a fond parent, affecting to find fault with a favoured urchin who quarrels with his school-fellows " Plague take them. I believe they would master my whole territory, if it were not for a little wren, who is a perfect Bonaparte, and whom I shall be obliged to send to St. Helena if he don't keep the peace. There is no telling you what trouble I have with these three conflicting powers, the pigeons, the martens, and the little wren, who seems a match for all together." When breakfast was over, after examining his aviary, turning the eggs of his canary-birds'-nests, i3 202 SALMAGUNDI. feeding the young orphans, for whose safety a sort of stronghold, faced with wire, is constructed at one end of the room, and playing a few tunes on the organ for their instruction, we sallied forth to inspect the farmyard, as well as the more remote frontiers. As the most perfect ruler that ever ex isted always has a secret corner of his heart in which is cherished some weak partiality, that every now and then discloses itself in an undue species of favouritism, so am I obliged to confess that I have more than once detected the old gentleman in this grievous fault. His pigeons are undoubtedly his chiefest courtiers, and it is in respect to them that the cares of sovereignty lie heaviest on his mind. These birds partake more of the foibles and caprices of human beings than any others of the species, and the old gentleman assured me, with much gravity, that he had known the domes tic happiness of a worthy family entirely destroyed by a neighbouring rival having its coop repaired and embellished. This occasioned jealousies, dis contents, and heart-burnings, which displayed them selves in the males fighting, and the females scold ing, whenever they met each other. He moreover complained to me, that very often a young rake-hell of a pouter (the dandies of the dovecote) will obstinately refuse to unite in the bonds of matrimony with a plump heiress he has specially selected, and in spite of his efforts, perse vere in a course of wicked debauchery, to the utter SALMAGUNDI. 203 confounding of his species and ruin of his consti tution* Every day the behaviour of some one of these unworthy favourites brings my worthy friend into fresh trouble. Sometimes the children diso bey their parents, by venturing out into the temp tations of a bad world before they are properly fledged, and falling to the ground a prey to cats, children, and other arch enemies that are always on the watch to entrap helpless innocence. At other times, he is put to his wit's ends in attempt ing to reform some wicked polygamist, who, in open defiance of the laws, persists in taking to himself half a dozen wives, and as many concu bines. In a word, it is my opinion, that my friend displays more of the policy of a wise magistrate, more of the uprightness of an inflexible judge, and more of the temper of a true philosopher, in keep ing peace among the quarrelsome, pacifying the rebellious, reforming the profligate, providing for the orphans, affiancing the widows, and chastising the bachelors, than any one single member of the holy alliance, or indeed all of them together. By this excellent mode of recreation, he not only pro cures to himself a rich and abundant source of hap piness, but exemplifies at the same time as com plete a system of morals and laws, as ever came from the brain of a Solon or a Lycurgus. 1 must not omit to mention, before I conclude this paper, that the old gentleman, by a course of experiments upon his pigeons, has become a com- 204 SALMAGUNDI. plete convert to the doctrines of the great Isaac Bickerstaff. He assures me that he can produce at pleasure (that is, provided they will only follow his directions) pigeons of the most whimsical and opposite colours, and breed a fan-tail with any given number of feathers in his tail, not exceeding thirty-eight, which is the ne plus ultra of nature's efforts. After exhibiting to me a pair of choice trumpeter pigeons, he exemplified his doctrine by a history of their birth and lineage. " Not six months ago," said he, " I got possession of that rare and beautiful bird," pointing to the male " but being the only one of its kind in the country, I was quite in despair, lest I should not be able to increase the stock. In this dilemma, how do you think I managed matters ? 1' faith, I immediately married him to a beautiful Capuchin lady, she being the nearest to him in affinity. The first brood was doubtful ; the second gave me the liveliest hopes ; and the third promised to crown my wishes, had it not been for a black carrier, who sat just facing her during the sympathetic period, and turned the young ones at least ten shades darker than the mother. The fourth experiment was of course lost, in merely restoring the natural colour they had forfeited by the preceding one, and in the prosecution of the fifth, I was overtaken by a great misfortune. A strutting young libertine of a pouter captivated the affections of the lady, who SALMAGUNDI. 205 consented to an elopement. All the consequences of such an imprudent step naturally followed. But to bring the affair to a conclusion, the sixth genera tion completely rewarded my cares, and gave me full assurance of the truth of my theory." So saying, we continued our walks over the ample domains of our worthy potentate. The same peculiar humour that governs the economy of his farmyard and pigeon-house, displays itself in his system of gardening and husbandry. He is always indulging himself in curious experiments in grafting and planting, and is a firm believer in the fanciful system of Darwin. Affinities and an tipathies axe carefully consulted in the disposition of his plants and vines, and he is particularly at tentive in preventing all kinds of vegetable de bauchery, by planting his melons, cucumbers, &c. at such a distance as to render every kind of criminal intercourse quite impossible. With a liberality truly admirable, he sows an acre of millet- seed every year, by way of voluntary alms to the wild birds of the air, who, though not his subjects, annually resort to his domains in flocks that veil the clouds, with all the punctuality of pensioned courtiers or soup-house paupers. It is expected, however, that they will keep terms, and refrain from all depredations on the rest of the kingdom, otherwise they may be pretty certain of being shot, with a gun at least twelve feet long, which never yet failed in committing great slaughter. 18 206 SALMAGUNDI. After traversing many well-cultivated fields, we at length ascended a pretty high hill, commanding an extensive and variegated prospect of smiling meadows and waving woods, putting forth their spring verdure in gay profusion. The scene nat urally called up agreeable or tender associations, and the good old man insensibly glided into a train of long past yet happy recollections. Every field was pointed out as the theatre of some frolicksome exploit of buxom boyhood here he had caught a mockbird, which sung so loud that his mother kept him in a dark room for fear of disturbing the children ; there he had shot a covey of quails, and yonder, said he, under that old stump, once a spreading oak, I used to sit of an evening, with one who was my mistress in youth, my wife in manhood, my staff in age, and whois now an angel in Heaven. As I walked home that evening, and saw the busy crowds of the city panting in tides and eddies in all directions, and pursuing pleasure, through every avenue of pain, at the expense of ease and comfort, often at the sacrifice of health, fortune, and fame, the simple and amiable eccentricities of my old friend gradually assumed the airs of sober wisdom ; and I could not help acknowledging to myself, that he was not only the happiest, but one of the most rational old men I had ever known. SALMAGUNDI. 207 "VROUWEN DAGH." WOMAN'S DAY. ! IN rummaging the other day among some of the old archives of the Hall, treating concerning the early history of this fair and excellent city, I came unexpectedly upon a singular custom, which pre vailed about a century and a half ago, among our worthy ancestors. It is recorded that on Valen tine's day, every young damsel was furnished with a piece of rope about a yard in length, with which they lurked behind the corners of the streets, waiting the appearance of the young fellows, whom they were privileged to beat, until they got out of the way by running. This day of license was called, in the classical language of our early times, VROUWEN DAGH ; and it was held a disgrace for any young fellow to return these blows with any thing but a kiss, during the period of license. It is recorded that a smart blow was considered a peculiar proof of regard, especially if it left a me mento on the skin, which was held equivalent to those marks by which country people designate sheep and cattle as their own. This custom continued to prevail until about the beginning of the seventeenth century, when, as the historian relates, the married women, doubtless in 208 SALMAGUNDI. consequence of the unseemly liberty allowed them when single, became so grievously addicted to arrant scolding, and lectured their husbands in such a way, that a law was passed empowering the sheriff to erect a ducking-stool, directly in front of the old City Hall, for the purpose of restraining this liberty of speech. It was, however, taken down some years afterwards,being found unneces sary in consequence of the wonderful reformation of the sex about that time, which, I am happy to say, has continued ever since. Reflecting the other evening on these and other matters connected with our patriarchal age, I insen sibly yielded to the influence of the dog-days, and fell asleep. The human mind may be likened to a well-broken steed, whose sprightly gambols are restrained by a habit of submission to his rider, but who, the moment he slips his rein, bounds over the fences, and riots in forbidden pastures. So with our reason; while waking, it only indulges in a few occasional curvettings ; but when sleep comes, and steals away the bridle, placing it in the hands of nimble fancy, we disdain the limits of possibility, and triumph for a while over time and space. I fancied myself all at once standing close by the ducking-stool, erected by the before-named sheriff, in front of the old City Hall, at the mo ment the worshipful magistrate was adjudging a number of cases in which the liberty of speech had been grossly abused, by certain married ladies, SALMAGUNDI. 209 as was alleged. The first offender, I remember, was a goodly-sized dame, of some fifty years old. She wore a little cap, partly inclining to one ear, and carried her arms a-kimbo, as if in defiance both of the husband and magistrate. She was arraigned on the complaint of a stout, brawny, weather-beaten gentleman, wearing a little cocked hat, ornamented with broad copper lace. A short pipe was stuck in the button-hole of his waistcoat, that bore some vestiges of lace also, and it was remarked that the circumstance of the pipe indicated great wrath in the owner, as this was the first time he had ever been seen without, carrying it in his mouth. He announced himself as the renowned Mynheer Adrian Block, the first navigator that ever sailed through Hell Gate, an adventure which he considered as nothing, com pared to weathering a matrimonial gale at home. The sheriff having found out, by cross-questioning the parties, that the scolding arose entirely from the provoking silence of the skipper, who obsti nately refused to quarrel with his wife, decreed that this was some little excuse, and dismissed her with a caution. Before she got fairly out of hear ing, however, she attacked Mynheer Block so vigorously, that the magistrate ordered her back, and sentenced her to a ducking. The next culprit was a brisk, snub-nosed, skinny little dame, with peculiarly sharp black eyes, that boded no good. Her husband, one Wyngaard, 210 SALMAGUNDI. stated that he kept the sign of Santa Claas, near the corner of the Cherry Garden, and that he was doing pretty well, till his wife drove away all his customers, by scolding from morning to night. The little woman urged, as an offset, that her hus band did nothing but tipple with every person that came into the house. She would not have minded this so much had he drank out of his customers' cup ; but the gentleman, forsooth, must treat in his turn, by means of which he was bringing them to poverty, and the only method she could think of to prevent his beggaring herself and children, was to drive people away as soon as possible. The sheriff hereupon decreed Mynheer Wyngaard a sound ducking at the hands of his wife, which was administered to the great content of Mrs. Block, who stood shaking her feathers like an old hen in a corner. A man now came up, leading a fashionable lady with red clocks to her stockings, and little square silver buckles to her shoes, the heels whereof, to the best of my recollection, were nearly six inches high. From these indications I judged her to be a person of consequence, especially as the sheriff nodded his head to the husband as he came up to make his complaint. The lady appeared with such an air of modesty, that I confess I felt inter ested in her favour ; but it being satisfactorily proved that she waked her husband several nights in suc cession, only to lecture him for snoring, the whole SALMAGUNDI. 21) assembly murmured her condemnation, and the poor lady underwent the penalty of thus interfe ring with the inalienable birthright of a genuine Dutchman. The next offender was brought by a person car rying a broken pipe in his hand. He announced himself as the keeper of the old Ferry-house in Broad-street, to which highly important situation he had been appointed, as his worship well knew, for his unrivalled skill in blowing the horn. Though his wife was reckoned the greatest shrew in the whole street, he had managed to get the better of her by blowing his horn stoutly whenever she talked too loud, until that very morning, when, on taking up his instrument to argue with her, she ac tually knocked his pipe out of his mouth, an offence not to be tolerated in a Christian community. The good woman denied the charge with unparalleled volubility, but the broken pipe was considered conclusive. The offence being enormous, she was sentenced to two duckings. The severity of this infliction created a solemn pause, and seemed to have a great effect on the bystanders. During the dead silence, a middle- aged citizen, of a quiet, inoffensive physiognomy, came forward and lodged a grievous complaint against his wife. It seems she was an heiress, having brought him, as a marriage portion, a cow, a feather-bed, and a black silk gown. On the strength of this dowry she ran into every kind of 212 SALMAGUNUT. extravagance, buying two gowns a year, and chan ging the fashion of her dress every four or five years, to the great scandal of the neighbourhood, as well as the ruin of his fortune. Whenever he refused her money to supply these enormous ca prices, she always threw the cow, the feather-bed, and the silk gown in his teeth, so that, though her fortune was gone long ago, he was likely never to hear the last of it while he lived. The popular feeling seemed very strong against this offender, and every one pronounced her worthy a ducking, which was, however, remitted on the score of her being a great heiress, and brought up like a lady. The magistrate decided that she should be shut up a couple of days with the lady of the broken pipe, who appeared so discontented with the al leged partiality of the sheriff, that it was shrewdly suspected there would be some smart sparring be tween them. The next case was a very curious one. The person complained of had, it seems, lost her speech several years before, by some accident I don't recollect, but the complainant alleged that, notwithstanding this, she had a most emphatic way of making herself understood by a box on the ear, or some equally expressive gesture. The sheriff having neither law-books or lawyers to decide the question, whether a dumb lady could possibly come under the act, seemed inclined to dismiss the com plaint, when a person who had just drove up in an SALMAGUNDI. 219 old chair, and who, I understood, was a famous physician, begged to propose a plan of settling this difficult question. As the poor woman could not enter upon her own defence, it seemed rather hard to duck her on the charge of being a shrew ; he therefore suggested her being ducked by way of experiment, as he had known instances of persons recovering their speech by the sudden shock from cold water. Everybody seeming to think this a capital plan, except the husband, who appeared rather alarmed concerning the event of the experi ment, it was accordingly put in execution with the most complete success. The moment the shock had passed, the patient announced her re covery by a volley which caused the husband to retreat with great precipitation. Being apparently determined to make herself amends for lost time, she next attacked the sheriff with such vigour, that the worthy magistrate was fain to break up the court, and dismiss the bystanders rather unceremo niously. At this moment, methought she cast her eye on me with such a peculiar expression of hos tility, that 1 considered my time as having actually come. The very idea of the approaching storm caused such a trepidation, that I suddenly awoke, and mistook Mrs. Cockloft for the dumb lady, so fully was I impressed with my dream. 214 SALMAGUNDI, I WAS agreeably surprised yesterday at receiving the following from Anthony Evergreen, who is just returned from visiting an old friend residing in a small village, at any distance from this city the reader chooses. THE COUNTRY VILLAGE. ALMOST every country village has a knot of worthy gossips, male and female, whose special employment consists in initiating young inexperi enced people into a knowledge of the value of a good name, by robbing them of it as early as pos sible. It may, perhaps* be alleged in their de fence, that they do this with the very best inten tions, and from a belief,, that as the loss of fortune is very often a great advantage to a man, by putting him upon the exertion of his talents for a liveli hood, so the loss of a good name may become a blessing by occasioning the most extraordinary dis plays of virtue to recover it again. I myself have seen numerous instances of the great benefits re sulting from the loss of character, some of those who had sustained this fortunate deprivation hav ing been driven to the most unheard-of exercises t)f devotion to regain the good opinion of society, and others getting on more smoothly than ever in SALMAGUNDI. 216 the world, merely on the score of having no char- acter at all. No one expected any good of them none were disappointed; and they continued to maintain their station in the world, simply because it was impossible to fall any lower. However this may be, it was my lot, not long since, to spend a few weeks in a beautiful little vil lage, which I would describe, were it not that it might possibly resemble some one with which the reader is acquainted, who would not fail to accuse me of personal allusions, of which I am perfectly unconscious. All I will venture to say is, that it lies along the bank of a pleasant stream, and such is its peaceful, rural aspect, that it would seem to be the abode of ease, quiet, and happiness. The houses bespeak comfort and competency, and the whitening spires indicate that here is dispensed that benevolent religion, which teaches us to love our neighbours, and be silent where we cannot commend. I never see such a picture without in dulging in those charming visions of rural happi ness, which not even the lessons of a thousand dis appointments can effectually repress. I had not been long in the village before I re ceived an invitation from Mrs. Rachel Sindefy, to drink tea with some of her friends. On showing the note to the friend to whom I was on a visit, he smiled significantly ; congratulated me on the pros pect of speedily becoming a member of the scan dalous club, and declared his intention of going 216 SALMAGUNDI. with me to take care of my morals. When the evening came, we accordingly knocked at the door of Mrs. Rachel Sindefy, and were ushered into a very snug parlour, round which were seated a number of respectable looking ladies, rather be yond the middle age ; several young ones, who were undergoing a preparatory course of lectures ; and some half a dozen antiquated beaux, I took to be bachelors on the score of their excessive gal lantry to the ladies. For some minutes after our entrance, not a word was uttered ; several of the ladies sighed very au dibly, and one of them ventured to take a pinch of snuff, after which she handed the box to her next neighbour, who refused it with a grave shake of the head. I hinted to my friend, it seemed likely to turn out a Quaker meeting. " Let them alone, 7 * replied he, " they have'nt started their game yet we shall hear the cry anon." Sure enough ; the tea things and the servants were hardly out of the room, when Mrs. Rachel Sindefy, carefully stro king the crumbs from her lap, turned to Mrs. Ever- vine, and began to say some very handsome things of one Mrs. Sellaway, the wife of a gentleman who has lately built a fine house in the village, and lives in such a splendid style, that his wife is very much disliked by all her neighbours, having any preten sions to cut a figure themselves. I never was fully aware of the danger of being praised until now ; and I take this opportunity to SALMAGUNDI. 217 all my friends to refrain from this danger* ous practice in future* The moment Mrs. Sindefy began her eulogium, I observed the nose and chin of Mrs% Evervine in a violent agitation, that put me in mind of a foaming steed champing his bit, and longing for the chase- " Listen," whispered my friend, " we shall soon have an explosion," Poor Mrs. Sell away came out of her hands a mere wreck. " She was a very charming woman but a little too free in her manners she was very chari table, but then she was so extravagant ! She was very good-natured, but weak people were generally so she was very constant at church, but then she always had something new to show off on Sunday she had a vast deal of taste, and her house was elegantly furnished but it was a great pity she had gone to such an expense, when she must have known her husband could not afford it." Here Mrs. Evervine stopped for a little breath, and one of tiie gentlemen very significantly observed that Mr. Sellaway had offered to sell him his house a great bargain, and, for his part, he believed " there were pressing reasons for it." Hereupon every body became very sorry for Mrs. Sellaway, and began to pity her with all their might, for being obliged to leave such a delightful establishment. Mrs. Teresa Tidey, on hearing this last observa tion, declared " that though Mrs. Sellaway's house was so elegantly furnished, somehow or other, she didn't know hardly why, for her part, it never VOL. T. K 19 218 SALMAGUNDT* looked genteel to her. It never seemed to> be put to rights, nothing looked in its place and for her part she could safely say, you might always write your name upon the sideboard and tables. For her part she was no admirer of fine things, not she -she liked a neat house, for her part, and had ten times rather see a white floor, that one might eat on, than a Brussels carpet with an inch of dirt uife- der it." " Well spoken," whispered my friend; " that good lady, to my certain knowledge, caused the death of two servants-. One of them died of scrubbing the outside steps in a snow-storm, and the other rubbed himself to death against a brass knocker, at the street door," Having despatched Mrs. Sellaway, they pro ceeded to the dissection of various characters, and being now joined by the beaux, grew at length so scurrilous and scandalous, that I was several times put out of countenance by certain innuendoes of Mrs. Sindefy, who observed of one lady, that Ci she was on her last legs," and of another, that " if she was not married, it was high time she should be." I was exceedingly scandalized at seeing persons of my own sex give into this cowardly practice f wounding the female character, and hereby give them fair warning, if I ever hear of their amusing themselves in this cruel manner again, I will in troduce them by name to the public, particularly the gentleman in the snuff-coloured coat, who told SALMAGUNDI. 219 the story of the young couple that took such long walks by moonlight. The club being now entirely occupied with tearing characters to pieces, I took the opportunity to inquire the history of some of these mischievous people, who, partly from idleness, and partly from illnature, thus amused themselves at the expense of all the social feelings and sweet charities of life. The information I received I will give to the reader, as nearly as possible, in my friend's own words. " Mrs. Rachel Sindefy, the principal member of this association, formerly belonged to a knot of ladies, that' spent their time in comparative inno cence. They played at cards, and won each other's money, instead of ruining reputations. By this means they managed to kill their evenings, until a mischievous wag wrote a lampoon, which entirely broke up the club, and brought about a most salutary reform. They joined a sort of sub limated tabernacle lately set up in the village, and now spend their leisure hours in scandalizing their neighbours, who go to theatres, and are guilty of the abomination of dancing French cotillions. " Mrs. Teresa Tidey is a busy, notable dame of fifty, who, after turning her house upside down, which she calls putting it to rights, and making everybody miserable at home, generally sallies out to see whether her neighbours' houses are in good order,. The moment she enters a room, you wjjl 220 SALMAGUNOT. observe her reconnoitring every hole and comer, and her little gray eyes brighten into extraordinary brilliancy at the sight of a spot on the carpet, or a spider-web suspended from the ceiling. A dis covery of this kind puts her in a good-humour for the rest of the day ; but wo to her household if she returns home without this gratification. She is reckoned a very good sort of a woman-, but I have observed that none of her servants become attached to her, and that her husband enjoys himself par ticularly in every one's house but his own. " The precise lady seated next her, with a dia mond ring on her finger, and dressed in gray poplin, is Miss Amy Flowerdew, who has particular claims to detestation. Possessing a small fortune, just sufficient to place her above the necessity of em ployment, and having no relish for books, she was for a long time at a loss for amusement, until she luckily discovered the secret of being busy at the expense of other people. Without ever having actually invented a scandalous story herself, she has injured more reputations, broken off more matches, and occasioned more quarrels and heart burnings in the village, than the whole club besides. Her mode is peculiarly ingenious, and worthy of being studied by every candidate for the honoura ble distinction of a village gossip. She generally calls twice or three times a week to see my wife, and though we had almost as soon see a cloven foot enter our doors, it is impossible not to ho SALMAGUNDI. 221 amused with the adroitness of her manner of in troducing a scandalous anecdote. It is a great im provement on that of Mrs. Candour, " 'Heigh ho well, Mrs. Cosey it does not sig nify, but this is the most scandalous place in the world Heigh ho never was such illnatured people I was just now at Mrs, Sindefy's dear me I don't know, for my part, what this world is coming to, not I some people are too scandalous to live that's my opinion. My dear Mrs. Cosey, I don't believe a word of it, and so I told Mrs, Sindefy but what do you think I heard?' In this way she runs on, until she provokes some one to inquire what all this relates to ; or, if she fails in this, turns to, and voluntarily tells the story on purpose to vindicate the innocent objects of the calumny. Such is the sly, insidious way in which she tells the tale, and her admirable dexterity in mingling truth with falsehood, that though I don't believe any thing she says but what I know to be true, I confess, to my shame, her stories have more than once thrown a shade over the reputa tion of a worthy family, and poisoned my mind with doubts, which, though I will not cherish, I cannot completely discard, " The excessively polite gentleman in the snuff- coloured coat, who walks on tiptoe for fear of look ing little, is a widower, of about half a century old ; but being on the alert for a young, rich, and beautiful wife, all which he considers his extra- 222 SALMAGUNDI. ordinary merits entitle him to expect, he does not wish to be thought more than five-and-twenty. If an allusion is made in company, where he happens to be present, to any event which took place more than a score of years back, the poor man is on thorns lest he should be referred to, and always retreats precipitately, recollecting a forgotten en gagement of great consequence. He is withal the most illnatured being in the world, and revenges his numerous disappointments among the sex, by abusing, in the most unmanly manner, every lady who is insensible to his merits, and every gentle man preferred to himself. In short, my dear Anthony, were I to give you his picture in detail, you would infallibly pronounce me worthy of being a distinguished member of the association." By this time there was a bustle for hats and cloaks, and the club shortly separated, to meet next evening at Mrs. Evervine's, where my friend and myself were invited. For my part, I was resolved never to go near them again, being fully of opinion that it is better to pass the evening at cards, at the theatre, or even the tavern, than thus to banquet on the butchered characters of those with whom we are every day shaking hands, and exchanging the courtesies of social life. We are continually hearing or seeing frothy declamations about the wretched, debasing, and cruel superstitions of vari ous idolatrous nations, and are vehemently urged for daily contributions for the support of those SALMAGUNDI. 223 who are said to be gradually undermining these bloody rites. Might it not be well to institute a crusade against this worst species of human sacri fice, where the victim is not indeed crushed under the car of Juggernaut, nor offered up a voluntary burnt-offering to the manes of a departed husband ; but where she is subjected to cruel and lingering torments, that eat into the very soul, and poison the long moments of an intolerable existence ? The cannibals of human flesh are nothing to the can nibals of human reputation ; nor are those who offer up willing victims at the shrine of a mistaken faith, half so mischievously wicked as those who drag them unwillingly to a more painful sacrifice. I must not omit to mention that the pastor of the tabernacle to which this flock belonged, and who missed no opportunity of declaiming stoutly against the abominations of balls, theatres, and fine clothes, was present all the evening, but never once attempted to give the conversation a better turn. If he ever sees this paper, I hope he will take example from an humble itinerant I remember to have met with some years ago. This useful person had but one sermon to his back, and it was against scandal. Instead of changing his discourse every Sunday, he changed his audience ; and by travelling all over the country, managed to give everybody an excellent lecture on a vice, the most common, as well as the most pernicious, of all others. 224 SALMAGUNDI. THE coincidence of the following letters is so singular, and the practices complained of by the writers so ill-bred, not to say impertinent, that I hasten to lay them before the only tribunal that can correct such offences. It may be useful also to the parties concerned, to learn what they mutually think of one another. TO MR. LANGSTAFF. " SIR, " I AM a young lady of considerable fashion, and having nothing particular to do at home, amuse myself in walking up and down Broadway, to pass the time, which I assure you often hangs so heavily on my hands, that I sometimes almost wish I was married. Now pray, sir, don't flatter yourself I want you to help me to a husband, for I can help myself when I please, any day in the week, I thank you. " The object of this letter is quite different. You must know, I generally pass the City Hotel in Broadway about a dozen times a day, and this I used to do without the least pain to my modesty, until within a few days, that I have been much distressed and annoyed by the behaviour of a young gentleman that infests the south front door, where it seems he has taken up his permanent SALMAGUNDI. 225 abode. He generally dresses in a blue frock, and has very pretty red cheeks, which makes me think he don't belong to the class of fashionable youths about town. For more than a week past, this young man contented himself with staring at me so intently as I passed by, that it very naturally excited my curiosity, and I believe I might some times have looked a little hard at him in turn. There was certainly no great harm in this, but yesterday afternoon as I was passing by, he had the impudence to smile, and give a familiar nod, as if I were an old acquaintance. "Pray, Mr. Langstaff, publish this letter, that the gentleman may know from me his familiarity is disagreeable ; and, though I did sometimes look hard at him, it was nothing but downright curi osity. " Your constant reader, " BELLAMIRA QUEASY." TO LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. " From my study, south door of the City Hotel, September 6th, 1819. " SIR, "I AM a young fellow of an easy fortune, and a romantic turn of mind, travelling to see the world ; and being addicted to retirement, have, for the present, taken up my stay at the City Hotel, where I indulge my solitary reflections by sitting at the K3 226 SALMAGUNDI. front door, and abstracting myself from the busy scene. " Here I ponder on the uncertainty of life, the vanity of riches, and the emptiness of those pur suits of profit or of pleasure, which give life and motion to the bustling crowd that flit before me, like shadows pursuing shadows still more unsub stantial than themselves. However, this is not the object of my addressing you. It cannot have es caped your observation, that persons accustomed to deep abstraction and intense thought, are in the habit of fixing their eyes steadily on some particu lar object, of whose presence they are totally un conscious at the time. Such is exactly my case. While sitting on the steps of the hotel, indulging myself in those abstract speculations that constitute the charm of my existence, and smoking a cigar at the same time to condense my thoughts, I gen erally fasten my eye upon the different faces, as they pass in succession, until it becomes fatiguing to follow them any farther. I acknowledge my ap titude, as it were, instinctively to select the prettiest faces on these occasions, although I hope to be believed when I assure you, I would quite as soon gaze on the face of a brass knocker as on the fairest features in the world. "Of late my abstract speculations have been exceedingly disturbed by a smart young lady, dressed in the extreme of the fashion, who trips by my hermitage from ten to fourteen times a day, SALMAGUNDI. 227 and stares me in the face as if I were a looking- glass. Indeed, I give you my honest word, she has the hardest look of any person of her sex I ever saw, for she has made me blush more than twenty times, a thing I have not done before, since I left Alma Mater. The consequence of this per secution is, that I shall be shortly obliged to change quarters, unless the lady beats a parley, or takes to walking the other side of the street. " May I beg of you, my good sir, to publish this letter, for the benefit of all the frequenters of this favourite place of study. I will thank you, also, to give me your opinion, whether a young woman who stares a strange young fellow full in the face, without blushing, can be a modest person, unless she is very much in love with him ? " I am, sir, your obedient servant, " ANTHONY AIRCASTLE." The foregoing letters being handed over to Evergreen, he gives it as his decided opinion, that the steps of a great hotel in a great city, where ladies are continually passing or repassing, is no place for young gentlemen to pursue their studies, or indulge in sentimental abstractions, with cigars in their mouths. With regard to the query at the close of Mr. Aircastle's letter, Evergreen is in clined to think that no young woman who stares a strange young fellow full in the face, at the door of a hotel, can lay claim to any particular share of SALMAGUNDI. modesty, unless she is near-sighted, or has fallen desperately in love with him on a sudden. TO LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFP, ESQ. " SIR, " Being a great lover of music, I am seldom ab sent from a public concert, where I always go early to get a front seat, in order to hear more dis tinctly. In this situation I am regularly forced either to appear ill-bred, or give up my seat in con sequence of a practice among under-bred ladies, which I think it is quite time to demur to, as it has become a very serious grievance to people who go to concerts to hear the music. " The custom among ladies of this second or third-rate class is to come into the concert-room when everybody is seated quietly, and the music begun, and, instead of taking the vacant seats in the rear, to elbow their way towards the front. Here they remain till they have absolutely looked a suf ficient number of gentlemen from their seats, and divided them from their party. The ladies who have taken the trouble of coming in season, are thus deprived of the company and protection of their friends, and, at the same time, intruded upon by low-bred strangers they never saw before. I remember one night making up a pleasant little party to hear Incledon, and being happily seated next a lady for whom I have long had a tender feeling, when just about the middle of the first act, SALMAGUNDI. 229 a party of these under-bred people came in, and stared at such a rate at me and my friends, that I actually could stand it no longer, and gave up a seat I would not have exchanged for a throne. " I will thank you, sir, to let me know whether these hard-looking ladies are entitled thus to dis turb a whole company by a game at moveall, and whether, in your opinion, a gentleman may pretend not to see them without forfeiting his claim to good manners ? " Your aggrieved servant, "ROGER BRICKBAT." TO LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. " SIR, " I wish with all my heart, you excellent old soul, that you would say a word or two about a class of vulgar young fellows, who pretend to be quite genteel because they wear corsets, and who go to concerts to exhibit themselves in front of the orchestra, and just between the audience and mu sicians. Here they drag themselves backwards and forwards between the acts, and, during the mu sic, stand up before the company like so many wooden statues. " The last time I was at a concert, one of these liveoak and whalebone gentlemen, after standing like a post directly before me during a whole act, at last suddenly whisked himself round, flirted the tail of his coat in my face, and then lounged off, 20 230 SALMAGUNDI. without even looking round to see who was behind him. Pray, sir, might not a lady on such an occa sion be allowed to stick a pin into one of these in sensible blocks by way of experiment 1 " Your devoted reader, " CLARISSA MERRIFIELD," The two preceding letters, answered both in the affirmative by Anthony Evergreen. SALMAGUNDI. 231 No. VIL SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 1819. FROM MY ELBOW CHAIR. I HAVE long wished to introduce to my readers a lady, who practises a certain art so much like downright witchcraft, that it is well for her she is neither old nor ugly, or she would certainly be in danger of the ordeal. Hitherto I have been deter red by the fear that I may be accused of attempting to impose upon the public, by a revival of some of those stale superstitions which the good sense of my countrymen rejects with such contempt when applied to their own native land. There are some countries particularly appropriated to feats of magic and supernatural agency, and events said to take place in these fortunate regions are received with great respect by persons, who would reject them with sovereign contempt were the scene laid any where else. A story of second sight, or witch craft, is nothing, unless the venue is laid in the Highlands of Scotland, or some one of the western isles ; and as to poisons, assassinations, adulteries, monkish villany, and sheeted spectres, one might 232 SALMAGUNDI. tell such tales from morning till night without alarming a single nursery, or disturbing a winter fireside, unless they were Italianized, and the scene laid in the Appenines, in an old ruined castle. Discouraged by these untoward circumstances, that lie in the way of all romantic adventure, and check the inventive powers of domestic genius, I have delayed until now the introduction of a char acter particularly worthy of being studied by the rest of her sex ; nor should I have gained sufficient courage to do it now, did I not flatter myself with being able to explain every thing without resorting to the interposition of any extraordinary agency. When I first became acquainted with this singu lar person, she was a young girl of about seventeen or eighteen, just entering upon the experiment of realizing those dreams of the gay and beckoning world which occupy the waking hours of youth. I remember it was at an assembly she first attracted my attention, though I could not till long after wards tell exactly why; for her face, though suf ficiently interesting, was not such a one as catches the roving eyes of a ball-room connoisseur, and her figure was no way particularly distinguished. Still there was that in her appearance which caused me to pay particular attention to her movements du ring the whole evening, in the course of which she led me into at least half a dozen mistakes by her mysterious art. I inquired of Evergreen the name of the beau- SALMAGUNDI, 233 tiful girl, with a wreath of roses about her hair, who danced with such exquisite grace and skill. Anthony was at that time, as at present, a com plete connoisseur in these matters, and particularly valued himself on his knowledge of dancing, having taken private lessons of the celebrated Duport during two whole winters. " You mean," said he, " the tall lady in spangles and feathers, I presume ?" " I presume I mean no such thing ; I mean the middle-sized lady, dancing opposite to her, who has neither spangles or feathers, that I can see." " My good friend," replied Anthony " you never was more mistaken in your life, if you say that lady is a fine dancer. Why, she hasn't performed a single step in the whole cotillion take notice, and see if I am not right." As no man likes to have his taste questioned, even in the most insignificant affairs, I felt myself called upon to support mine ; and for this purpose watched the lady for some time, in order to detect Anthony in an error. Insensibly, however, I was so completely beguiled by the easy grace, the gentle, chastened activity with which she sailed through the mazes of the dance, without study or effort, that I quite forgot the original motive for this scrutiny, and to this day cannot tell whether she executed any steps or not. I recollect, how ever, there were other ladies in the set, who paid such special attention to their feet, that they seemed to forget dancing did not entirely consist in feats 234 SALMAGUNDI. of extraordinary agility that would do honour to a harlequin at the theatre, or a clown at the circus. "Well," said Evergreen, when the dance was finished, " am I right or am I wrong ?" " O, per fectly right, if you mean that dancing consists in such enormities as that lady yonder committed in the last cotillion. However, not to dispute the point, I confess, if you please, she takes no steps they are something a great deal better. I hope now you won't deny that she is the best dressed woman in the room, after I have shown such exem plary moderation in giving up this point." " Pooh !" said Anthony, rather unceremoniously, as if he thought I was bantering " Pooh why she has nothing on her but a white muslin frock, and that paltry wreath of rose-buds I confess her foot is pretty, but then look what a shoe ! It wants glitter, sir it wants glitter." What was very pro voking, I found, on a closer inspection, Anthony was right ; and yet, such was the mysterious power exercised by this singular young lady, that even this conviction did not destroy the illusion. I con tinued during the rest of the evening to admire her as the best dressed woman in the room, although she wore nothing but a muslin frock and wreath of rose-buds, and had not a single spangle on her shoes. I met her frequently afterwards in public parties, and at social firesides, where an acquaintance commenced that was only interrupted by my re- SALMAGUNDI. 235 tirement into the country. On such occasions, though surrounded by women dressed in all the splendours of this age of wasteful prodigality, she always seemed to outdo them all ; and I had often the pleasure of hearing my judgment confirmed by persons who had refined their taste by the habitual contemplation of classical models. The same mystery pervaded her behaviour and conversation, though the one never challenged observation, and the other neither sparkled or astonished. In the whole course of our acquaintance, at that time and since, I cannot remember that she uttered any regular witticism, or special wise saying. All I know is, that without taking any pains to show off in studied declamation, her chat was playful, some times attic, and always characterized by a species of feminine good sense, that gave it a sort of dig nity which awakened respect, without exciting any feeling of inferiority. Her conversation did not abound in fine sayings, but pleased from its gen eral character ; and, if any thing, more in the recol lection than the actual enjoyment. In recalling these things, I have often been struck with little hits of character, and nice touches of wit or dis crimination, that escaped my notice at the time they were uttered. She never, I observed, tasked her own mind to appear striking, or drew draughts upon others that might be inconvenient to pay, in those hours of evening relaxation, when men seek society to indulge in that easy interchange of 236 SALMAGUNDI. thought which asks no effort, and courts neither admiration or applause. On these occasions she always appeared to advantage, especially when a Hue stocking happened to be present. Though I have seen her deserted for the society of one of these declamatory ladies, I never failed to observe the recreants, who had unwarily been attracted by some emphatic harangue, return, after listening and yawning a little while, to the shrine of unpretend ing modest propriety. Something more than a year after our acquaint* ance, I commenced my seclusion in the country, and we did not meet for some years. On my re turn to the city I learned she was married to a young fellow of small fortune, who had been at tached to her for a considerable time. Assuming the privilege of an old friend and an old man, I called to see her, and was received with such un affected hospitality, both by herself and husband, that I renewed my intimacy, and am now quite do mesticated in the house, where a goodly arm-chair is always reserved for my special use. Though my friend was now past the heyday of youth, I still found the same mysterious witchcraft hovering around her, and pervading every part of the establishment over which she presided. The first time I entered the house, I was alarmed with an air of gentility and expense, which, knowing the confined income of the husband, I could not help thinking reflected on the prudence of the wife. SALMAGUNDI. 237 Every part seemed to be furnished with a degree of liberality, not to say profusion, that apparently vied with the splendours of my friend Tubman's palace. As usual, too, the lady appeared dressed quite as much beyond the sphere of her income as were the decorations of her house ; and although I never found her without something about the parlour in dicating she had been employed, still she looked, and acted, and spoke so like a perfect lady, that I could not stretch my faith to a belief of her having been actually busy in such a fine dress as she seemed to wear. The first time I dined there, the like appearance completely imposed on me, and I went away in the evening accusing my little friend of wastefulness in the dinner, as well as extravagance in the table equipage. In short, not to impose too much on the credulity of my readers, by further details re specting this uncommon species of magical delu sion, I was completely the dupe of this domestic Armida, and believed her husband on the high road to speedy ruin. This error continued to make me uneasy for a considerable time, until, luckily, I thought of resorting to my old custom of analy zing, a habit I recommend to my readers as fur nishing an almost certain antidote to every species of deception. The first discovery I was enabled to arrive at by this method was, that the furniture of the enchant ed house was in reality neither expensive or 238 SALMAGUNDI. splendid, but, on the contrary, very plain ; and that it owed its sole charm to a certain uniform simpli city in the style and arrangement, which gave it that air of attic elegance which had deceived me so completely. There was no glare about the rooms ; no tinsel or gaudy colours ; none of that common and vulgar contrast we see so often, be tween the extreme of finery in one part, and the extreme of meanness in the other. It was a family circle, where every object possessed a kindred likeness, and evidently partook of the same general physiognomy. The servants neither wore livery or gold lace ; but then it was a pleasure to receive a glass of water from them, for they were always clean, and never out at the elbows. Proceeding in the development of this web of magic, I went so far as to count the dishes at one of these imaginary sumptuous dinners, and also to examine with a critical eye the table equipage, piece by piece. To my utter astonishment, there were but three dishes of meat, but then they were well cooked, and neatly served. What I had mis taken for finery in the table equipage, turned out to be nothing more than a table-cloth as white as snow, with spoons and knives and forks as bright as silver. Here, as in all the other household ar rangements, the same sense of propriety, the same congruity of one part with another, the same nice adaptation of means and objects, joined to the easy deportment and graceful suavity of the mistress, SALMAGUNDI. 239 constituted all the mystery of that deception under which I had laboured. The great key, however, to the whole enchant ment, I found out at last, was in the presiding genius of this admirable wife. It was she that threw this air of elegance on all around, and meta morphosed even the oldfashioned arm-chair into a superb Grecian sofa. Versed from her child hood in all the indescribable secrets of good-breed ing ; familiar with all its essential attributes ; and taught, by long experience, the lesson which only experience can teach, she remained mistress of her self on all occasions, and being always at her ease, made every one easy around her. She knew that the splendours of vulgarity, far from disguising, only rendered it more glaring, as the ornaments of ugliness increase its deformity ; and that nothing so completely destroys the involuntary respect we pay to equipage and show, as the knowledge that they are exhibited by those who either enjoy them at the expense of the essential comforts of life, or of some industrious mechanic who will never be paid. In one word, she knew that a well-bred woman, gifted with a nice sense of propriety, will make a house appear more genteel than all the fine decorations in the world. 240 SALMAGUNDI. THE ART OF LIVING. " Every part of the world shoots up daily into more subtlety ; the very spider weaves her caul with more art and cunning to entrap the fly." As the great business of my life has consisted rather in observing what other people were about, than doing any thing myself, I have come at last, by a long habit of watchfulness, to be acquainted with various modes of getting an honest livelihood, that have hitherto escaped the attention of the town. The art of living is certainly the most im portant of all, being of immediate, as well as universal necessity ; and it has consequently been brought to greater perfection than any other what ever, especially in great cities, which are generally the resort of that ingenious class of mankind which is emphatically said to live by its wits. In the simplicity that characterized the days of my early recollections, people lived pretty much alike in New-York. There was little variety in their modes, and the only distinctions were those of rich and poor. The rich lived by their money, the poor by labour ; and the sources from whence each drew their means of subsistence, were as well known as the tea- water pump, or the fresh-water pond, since dignified with the name of the Collect, SALMAGUNDI. 241 and which, like the pitcher of the Danaides r seems fated never to be filled, notwithstanding all the efforts of our worthy and public-spirited corpo ration. In process of time, the modes of gaining an honest livelihood multiplied from various causes from the natural and irresistible force of that spirit of improvement said to be inherent in man from the influx of ingenious foreigners, flocking to this new world from all parts of the old and from the aptness of our own countrymen to imitate new modes and fashions. As my great ambition is to merit a place among the numerous class of worthies of the present day, whose whole time is taken up in benevolent pro jects for enabling people to live without the neces sity of wholesome employment, I will take this op portunity of introducing to the acquaintance of the world three or four ingenious persons, whom I con sider the greatest masters of the art of living that have ever fallen under my observation. Three of these are natives of foreign countries, so that the United States cannot claim the honour of their in ventions ; but the fourth is a genuine American,, and as I believe his mode of living is entirely ori ginal, I claim the merit for our own country. The first person I shall bring forward is the son of an old school-fellow of mine, who was born to better things, according to the fashionable phrase ology. His father was a person of good family VOL. i. i* 21 242 SALMAGUNDI. and credit, whose fortune was not much, but whose business enabled him to give his son an excellent education, and to bring him up in idleness, He was a pleasant fellow, of good address, who sung an excellent song, and was a great favourite among the idle, the dissipated, and all those who are very much obliged to any man who will assist them in killing time. In this way he lived about town, without imbibing any habits that were actually vi cious, or doing any thing that could claim the merit of being altogether useful, until his father died, leaving him his business. The young man carried it on for some time ; that is, he left it to a boy, while he continued his old habit of amusing ; until at last he became unfortunate in business, as the po lite expression is. In a word, he failed by his ex travagance and want of attention, and ruined two worthy industrious families entirely. Everybody pitied him ; and indeed he deserved pity, notwithstanding his faults had merited pun ishment. He continued for some time, while his clothes were genteel, and the little money reserved for his immediate necessities lasted, to be received with something like complacency his songs were considered an equivalent for civility, and some times even for a dinner, In a little time, however,, his clothes grew the worse for wear he was con sequently considered rather a disreputable visiter ; and it being rumoured among his friends that he had actually been detected in the fact of attempt- SALMAGUNDI. 243 ing to borrow money of one of them, they all with one accord set about giving him advice. One ad vised him to go into business again ; but on being solicited to give him some assistance, either in money or credit, turned his back, and asked if he thought him a fool. Various indeed were the ways pointed out by his friends ; but as they contented themselves with giving him advice instead of as sistance, he could not follow their suggestions. Ac cordingly they all took offence at his neglect of such friendly attention, agreed that nothing good was to be expected of him, and shut their doors ever after, I cannot blame them much, not I. His conduct might possibly be excused by the neglect of his father, in not instilling into him early habits of industry but people in general have so much to do in palliating their own faults, that it is not to be expected they will take the trouble of doing the same good office for others. But these wretched cast-offs of the prudent and worldly-wise, are often gifted with sources of in ward content and satisfaction unknown to their betters. I know not how it is, but the same care less, unthinking, and uncalculating spirit that brings a man to the embraces of poverty, often enables him to bear them with such admirable indifference, as almost dignifies his folly with the honours of philosophy. It is a pity, however, that a man can not easily stop when he is going down hill. But gp ft was j the same carelessness which brought 244 SALMAGUNDI. about and enabled him to support with so much indifference, this depression of his fortunes by a very natural consequence, depressed him still more. He was just as careless as ever, and the conse quence was that he ran in debt, and not being able to pay, he went to prison. It has been said with truth, that the discipline of a jail seldom makes a man better. The cause probably is, that, not withstanding what philanthropists have said, prisons are more frequently filled with the imprudent and unprincipled, than with the mere victims of inevi table misfortune. Hence the company a man falls into on such occasions, is not likely to better either his manners or his morals. At all events, it is, or it was, in the times of which I am speaking, a deadly disgrace for a man to go to jail ; and dis grace either breaks the heart, or renders it ever after callous to shame. Poor Noll, for that was his name came out of this school of misery and vice by one of those acts of insolvency now so common, and so admirably calculated for the encouragement of all those who run in debt without ever meaning to pay, that it is no wonder people now neither mind running in debt or going to jail. The world was all before him and though he would willingly have turned his back upon it for shame of his late lodgings and his present miserable condition, life still was life and the very light of the sun was worth living for. There was an actual necessity of eating and as SALMAGUNDI. 245 his early education had disgusted him with manual labour, some other means of obtaining food must be found to " keep," as he said to me once " to keep the wolf from the door." It would be tedious to follow this poor wight through his different de clensions ; it is sufficient to say, that he regularly went through all the degrees in the great school of poverty, until at length, as he informed me the last time I saw him, which was in the park, he be thought himself of turning his learning to account. This was a lucky idea, and more than answered his expectations. His different modes of life, du ring the latter part at least, had brought him ac quainted with almost all that numerous class of society which lives by appealing in various ways to the sympathies of the human heart. In a word, he knew all the beggars in town. Being accident ally employed by one of these to write a petition, he succeeded so well as to make the fellow's for tune, and established such a literary character among the fraternity, that business flowed in apace, and no beggar could think of making contributions but with one of his inimitable appeals in hand. He was then, he affirmed, in such great repute, that orders were sent him from various parts of the United States for petitions ; and although these rogues never paid him if they could help it, still he managed to make a very comfortable livelihood, and at the same time to do as many charitable deeds as most people ; for though he gave nothing him- 246 SALMAGUNDI. self, he was the cause of other people giving. Du ring the preceding winter, he had burnt out up wards of a hundred poor families broke several hundred legs and arms thrown countless people into the most excruciating rheumatisms, and made innumerable widows and orphans. His business, he observed, had however diminished very much since the late laws of the corporation against itin erant beggars ; and he was now balancing whether to turn Spanish patriot, and rob on the high seas, or set up for a broker. At parting, he very obli gingly offered his services in case they were re quired by any of my friends, and whispered me not to be affronted, for that he was the author of some of the most admired of the charitable ad dresses published for some time past. But this I can by no means credit ; I merely mention it to show the impudence of the fellow. I am reminded of the next ingenious professor of the art of living, by an accidental rencounter with a wandering sort of a vagabond, whom I remember many years ago, an idle, pleasant, good-for-nothing being, that nobody could be angry with, and no body respect. In former times, I used generally, by some accident or other, to meet him once or twice a year in my walks ; and his appearance was at all times so indifferent as to challenge the first advances from an old acquaintance better dressed than himself. Accordingly, I was accus tomed to stop and inquire how he got on in the SALMAGUNDI. 247 world ; and as he made no secret of his poverty, his details often gave me an insight into the truth of the old saying, " that one half the world don't know how the other half lives," During my late residence in the country, I had lost sight of him entirely, until the other day, when I was surprised to meet him, dressed in the sober substantial style of a respectable and independent ckizen. His hair was neatly powdered, he wore an ivory-headed cane, and his whole dress was so scrupulously neat, that I felt an involuntary respect for him, which occasioned some hesitation in ask ing the customary questions about his mode of getting on in the world. To say the truth, my old acquaintance seemed rather more shy than myself, and as little inclined to make disclosures, as I was to ask questions. As it never was my way to put a man in mind of old times when he was inclined to forget them, we parted without any explanation of his apparent good fortune. Happening, however, to mention this to a friend, who also remembered the late shabby costume of this mysterious wanderer, whose name, as I ought to have mentioned before, is Claudius Crummie, he fell into a hearty laugh, and assured me that Claudius was beyond all question the most ingeni ous man of the age. " After exhausting," contin ued my friend, " all the customary methods of liv ing without doing any thing, practised by gentle men of his cloth, he at length set his wits to work 248 SALMAGUNDI. and invented a mode of levying contributions, so simple, yet so effectual, that it deserves to be made public for the benefit of those who wish to pass for gentlemen, and enjoy all the comforts of life, without money, friends, or occupation. " He began by inquiring into the character of every man about town likely to give any thing away in charity, and drew up a regular alphabeti cal list of the whole. He then made it his busi ness to ascertain whose example in giving away a few dollars would be likely to operate upon this man, and whose upon that, and by this means was enabled to take them in most infallible succession. Having completed his list, and perfected the. ar rangement of names, to the number of near one thousand, he began his operations. He went to the first name on the list, told him a tale of having failed in business by unavoidable misfortunes mentioned his intention of beginning again in a small way, to maintain a wife and eight children, all dependant on his exertions, and concluded by observing that Mr. such a one (whose example he knew would have a powerful influence) had just given him a few dollars to help him along. In this manner he went through his list, and gained a pretty sum, with which he commenced gentle man. When it was nearly spent, he had another list ready to levy upon ; and so infallible is his suc cess, that he now calculates upon this resource, with the certainty of an annuity for life. He has SALMAGUNDI. 249 lived in this way for nearly ten years. In the morning he is seen busily prying into butchers' stalls and market-baskets, and selecting some nice dainty for his dinner; between twelve and one, with his hair powdered, his polished ivory-headed cane, and dressed plain, but exceedingly neat, he is seen every day at the coffee-house, taking his glass of punch, his biscuit, and his little slice of codfish reading the newspapers, and finding fault with the democrats, like a man of great substance. His benefactors, if they happen to recollect him, are pleased with his looking so comfortable, and flatter themselves that he is getting on well in business again. At two, precisely, he departs for home ; and nobody that sees him pass up Wall- street would hesitate in setting him down for a re sponsible freeholder. For my part, as I before ob served, I consider him the greatest genius I have ever known, for, at the end of six thousand years and more, he has invented an original method of living, that enables him to enjoy all the blessings of independence only at the trifling expense of a few lies and a little innocent hypocrisy." , I have dilated so copiously on the merits of these two worthies, that I must content myself with a very short notice of the others. The one lives by going about with subscriptions for the re lief of unfortunate people of every kind and degree. Whenever a poor family is burnt out, or any stri king misfortune happens to any obscure individual L3 250 SALMAGUNDI. in the community, this worthy creature always writes a most pathetic account of the distresses of the poor sufferers, which he goes round with him self. He manages to pick up a comfortable living in this way, by charging a commission for his trouble ; and having once been a broker, his per centage generally amounts to nearly the whole sum, so that the poor fare pretty much like his old employers. In this way, our hero manages to gain two great objects he is not only enabled to live, but passes among charitable people for one of the most benevolent creatures in the world. The companion piece to this sketch is a very de^ cent, regular, church-going man, who has prospered exceedingly in his temporal affairs by being a phi- lanthropist. He never hears of any meeting for the purpose of civilizing the Africans, converting the Asiatics, or benefiting the poor, by enabling them to live without work, and educate their chil dren at the expense of other people, without at-> tending at it, making himself exceedingly busy, and getting chosen treasurer of the society. By these means he manages the contributions of one half the charitable people about town and else where, and, like the worthy licentiate in Gil Bias, has grown rich, solely by attending to the concerns; of the poor. 251 OUR CORRESPONDENTS. 1 FIND, in proportion- as our paper circulates in the country, where I am credibly informed it makes head against the Almanac, and is read with great attention on Sunday evenings, the number of our correspondents increases accordingly, Such, in deed, is the crowd of letters received by every post, notwithstanding the frequent robberies of the mail, that it is quite impossible to publish one half of those which are worthy of the public attention. We must therefore content ourselves with giving an analysis of the least important, reserving our spare columns for such as are more particularly in* teresting. In fact, it would be an endless task to enumerate all the complaints of our worthy correspondents* some of which are really so singular, that I ques-* tion whether they have ever before occupied the attention of the skilful in such matters. Others contain the secret history of a vast number of peo* pie we never heard of before, but who, it seems, by the envy and ill-will they excite, must be persons of note at home. Others again are filled with scandalous anecdotes, and innuendoes calculated to do more mischief than downright scandal. All these have been consigned to the flames, for fear 252 SALMAGUNDI. they might possibly lead us into the temptation of publishing what was not true. We are oldfash- ioned enough to think that the publication of a falsehood, respecting the character of any man whatever, is quite inexcusable, no matter on what authority it is- done. The contradicting it after wards is no sufficient atonement, since of the hun dreds who read the charge, it often happens not one half of them ever see the refutation. We will now proceed to note the contents of some of our letters received in the course of the last week. One gentleman, as usual, complains of his wife, who had ever since her marriage been a perfect pattern of a sober, discreet, domestic matron. Lately, however, he had occasion to make a short voyage, leaving her at home in charge of his house hold, when, all at onee r she broke out a gay ex travagant fine lady, attended auctions, tippled car bonated mead at the fountain, and actually waltzed with a foreign nondescript at a public ball. Hav ing turned this letter over to Evergreen, he says- there is no remedy in the case, but for the gentle- roan to stay at home, or take hi a wife with him when he goes abroad again. The second letter I shall notice comes from a worthy merchant of this city, who had been in good credit about 'change for twenty years past, but was so taken up the other day with reading our last number, that he let a note lay over at the bank, by which he lost his- credit entirely. He requests me SALMAGUNDI. 253 to certify to the fact ; but though I have the most complete reliance on his veracity, and think the accident extremely natural, I hereby recommend him to get some responsible broker to advertise that he will take his notes at a small discount. The next letter I shall notice comes from a notable quid-nunc, who complains that we take no part in politics, and entirely neglect telling our readers the news. He maintains that the excuse of there being no news stirring is no sort of apol ogy, since it would be easy enough to invent a reasonable quantity every day, and contradict it ;he next. By this means the lovers of news might )e gratified at an easy rate, and those who cater br them fill their papers regularly, to the great edification of their readers, who would be doubly astonished, first by believing in the wonder, and next by discovering there was not a word of truth n it. As there appears something feasible in all his, we shall take it into serious consideration. Then follows a communication from a very sin gular personage, just arrived in this country, and, as usual, anxious to give us the benefits of his skill n British manufactures. He states that he is by profession a manufacturer of plots, in which he" has been employed for some years past with great success. The business, however, has become rather stale abroad, and not having been adequately rewarded lately, he has come, among many other worthies, to try his fortune in this land of liberty. 22 254 SALMAGUNDI. He affirms, that not one of the plots for assassi nating kings, putting down religion, burning towns, and the like, played off with such effect of late years, both in England and on the continent, has been got up without his special agency. He was the sole contriver of the attack on the Prince Re gent in London, and the attempt to assassinate the Duke of Wellington in Paris. Indeed, they are evidently by the same author, as in neither case could the pistol if it was a pistol nor the man that fired it if it was a man be found. He also claims the honour of the late conspiracy against the Emperor Alexander, and the design of shooting the Emperor of Austria, lately played off in Italy, as an exquse for certain acts of authority, which would otherwise have been rather unpalata ble. His master-pieces, however, and those on which he values himself most, are his two last pro ductions. One is the plot to set fire to the city of London, lately announced in the British papers, and received with a burst of applause by all lovers of the regent and national debt. The other is the diabolical " school plot" at Manchester, where the little children are taught " to hate kings and priests," with the unequalled appendix of Mrs. Walker, who came to that devoted city " to preach, and teach the people to make revolutionary pikes/' The single phrase " revolutionary pikes," he thinks^ a perfect master-piece, unequalled by Titus Gates,,, or any other manufacturer of plots that ever existed. SALMAGUNDI. 255 The gentleman desires to inform the public in general, and those out of office in particular, that if they want a plot of the administration against state rights ; a conspiracy to turn out honest men and put in rogues or to plunge the nation into a war with Great Britain, he has several on hand, which are quite as good as new, and, with a little alteration, will suit this or any other country. He particularly recommends one plot for perpetuating southern influence, which he thinks in a year or two may be brought out with very great effect. Should any person want articles in his line, he is to be found in the large stone building on the right of the City Hall, where he resides for effect, the sombre hue and grated windows being wonderfully calculated for his business. The next letter is from a lady who complains of the charitable societies for accepting benefits from the managers of the theatre and circus, as she is fully satisfied the money thus raised will never turn out well. It is her opinion, at all events, that so long as the orthodox people of the town set their faces against theatrical amusements, and the ortho dox preachers declaim against their immoral ten dency, they might as well be consistent, and de cline sharing the gains of such iniquities. She concludes by expressing her determination to with draw her subscription, as she does not choose her money should be in such bad company. I shall conclude this paper with a letter, which, 256 SALMAGUNDI. though written more than a century ago, lately came into my hands, and appears worthy of preser vation, as descriptive of the times in which the author figured. It is addressed to Master Alder man Van Breucklen, after whom the town of Brooklyn was first named, and who was one of the pillars, or rather sleepers, of what was called in the days of classic Dutch, "The Oude Kerck" in Garden-street. This street was so denominated from its adjoining the garden, in old times the prop erty of Master Alderman Johannis de Groodt, a person of good memory but little judgment. The writer of this curious letter was, it appears, the fourth in succession of the same family that had given sextons to this venerable church for four Dutch generations, which are twice as long as most others. The original is in the language in general use at that time, and the translation is by Will Wizard, whose late mysterious silence I shall proceed to account for ere long, unless he returns to his duty. "DE SMEES VLY (Smith's Fly), Sept. 3, 1702. " RIGHT WORSHIPFUL, " Being ordained the fourth in descent, as sexton of this the only true church in the city of New- York (as it hath been called, or rather, as I may say, grievously miscalled by the English interlo pers), I consider it my special, nay, bounden duty, to present to your right worshipful, as acting SALMAGUNDI. 257 church-warden in the present time being, the mani fest misbehaviours which follow herewith and hereafter. "Imprimis Certain interlopers, calling them selves Presbyterians, have lately built themselves up a thing, the which they do call by the unseemly and pagan name of a meeting-house, which hath never a steeple wherewithal, and the bell whereof doth hang within a little place marvellously resem bling a sentry-box stuck on the roof, bearing on its top an unbelieving weathercock, which always points in opposite directions to that of the true church. Not content with building this pernicious novelty, as it were, directly under our noses, they have procured a bell more than twice exceeding ours, the which they do incontinently ring in our ears, 90 loud and so long, as to drown not only the sound of our bell, but moreover to swallow up the voice of Master Van Ditmars, as he singeth the first Psalm. " Item Standing, the Sabbath before the last, partly behind the third pillar on the left hand, close by the memorial which hath been erected to the sweet-scented memory of Master Myndert Van Haggewout, late baker of New-Year cookies, which did manifestly excel all others, I did plainly see Madam Rem Van Der Beek, beating up the cushion in her great square pew at the northwest corner, whereby she caused it to wax so soft and delectable, that she did incontinently fall asleep, 258 SALMAGUNDI. before Master Van Ditmars got to the middle of the one hundred and nineteenth Psalm. "Item While I was busily set to parting two pestilent curs, which it seemeth to me do take upon themselves to come to church and disturb the con gregation, insomuch as they belong to Master Dea con Swaghauser and Master Deacon Vander Donck, this caused me to stoop down, the widow Van Bus- sum's pew being then wide open, by reason it was exceeding hot weather, I did see the red clocks of her fine worsted hose, higher than became a wo man of good beseeming even above the instep ! Whereupon the devil tempted me, and I did forget the quarrelsome curs outright, and also omitted to hand the bags, into the which our congregation put their alms, or make a bow of apology. For which grievous sins of omission, neglects, and backslidings therewithal, the dominie did reprehend me sorely, saying unto me, that in all foretimes, even in the three generations mine ancestors had held the place of sexton, the like had never hap pened before. " Item On Sabbath last, a young damsel, whose name I keep secret out of respect to her worship ful family, appeared in the middle aisle of our church, that was never so scandalized before, with a white veil all over her face, whereby the congre gation had their curiosity sorely raised, and some thereof were grievously affrighted, thinking it might peradventure be a ghost, dressed up in a winding- SALMAGUNDI. 259 sheet. Moreover, right worshipful, good Master Van Ditmars was so confounded, marvelling what it was, that he did set a long metre tune unto a short metre Psalm, to the utter confusion of Alder man Master Jacobus Flodder, who was always used to strike in the bass before the rest of the people. " Item On the evening of the same day (a sore day to the church), walking past the doors as is my dutiful custom, just between daylight and dark, to see that the swine have not begrimed the pillars, by rubbing, as they are accustomed, against them, I did .detect a naughty boy chalking unseemly words upon the church door. I was exceeding wroth thereat, and did ponder unto myself that the like had never happened before to any of our family to the fourth generation upwards, and that of a truth the teaching little boys to write without in ducting them into manners therewithal, was one of the new fashions introduced by the interlopers, verily, the Englishmen. " Item About three or four weeks after, for I did wickedly omit to set down the day, as in duty bound, and as my ancestors had done before me, even to the fourth generation backwards, I did detect Master Van Slaghboom, audibly coughing and blowing his nose immediately thereafter, albeit he had never a cold, as I verily believe, to provoke such unheard-of enormities ; and your right wor shipful especially knows, that nobody is allowed to do such things, except when the dominie beginneth 260 SALMAGUNDI. himself, or while Master Van Ditmars is looking out the Psalm. "Item I desire to complain of one Donald M'Selfish, or Shelfish, for I opine not his actual denomination, the pretended sexton of yon taber nacle I did describe unto your right worshipful. This interloping varlet the Lord forgive me, right worshipful, for uttering such an unseemly word besides ringing the bell all the time Master Van Ditmars is singing the first Psalm, doth sneer, as 1 am credibly told, at my little cocked hat, the which hath been in the church for four generations. He likewise afnrmeth most irreverently, that the Lord cannot understand a Dutch sermon, thereby insin uating that all our prayers have been thrown away. The reason of all which unchristian backbitings, I do humbly opine, is, because the excellent Madam Van Dam, the lieutenant-governor's lady-mother, did pay me the compliment to say, that I did precede a funeral procession with a goodly reverence, the like of which was not to be seen elsewhere. " Item Being fearful of making my letter of un seemly length, I will conclude with possessing your right worshipful with the wicked practice among certain young people, especially the young damsels, who wear new bonnets and the like. These do come traipsing into church, even after the bell has ceased to ring, whereby the sound of their footsteps is heard all over the place, and the congregation, instead of looking reverently at the dominie, or Master Van Ditmars, giving out the SALMAGUNDI. 261 Psalm, as in duty bound, do all turn their heads incontinently towards these latterlings. These ir reverent backsliders have, moreover, an unseemly way of passing by me, without taking notice, as they come into the church, albeit the dominie al ways maketh me a reverend bow, and the illustri ous Alderman Van Quidder, who did give six brass candlesticks to the church, always pulleth his cocked hat quite off from his head whenever he doth encounter me. It hath been maliciously whispered that the alderman doth me this courtesy to obtain my vote ; but verily this is a calumny, in vented by ill-disposed persons, who think jesting on the clergy becoming. " I rest, right worshipful, " Your humble suiter, "!AN ROEDHAER." I SHALL fill up the remaining space of the present number with the following little poem, which accompanied a letter lately received from my friend, the young Virginian, who has been all summer too much taken up with gallanting the ladies at Berkeley Springs, to write any thing but poetry. It is best, however, to let him speak for himself. "Tin: great Alleghany ridge," says he, "being between the head-waters of all the rivers running 262 SALMAGUNDI. westward and eastward to the Mississippi and At lantic, offers no outlet for its surplus produce, ex cept by tedious roads running through the defiles of the mountains. The people who inhabit this region are, for the most part, a race of * mighty hunters before the Lord,' who cultivate a little grain, I and seek their animal food in the solitudes around them. They are a sturdy race ; full of haughty notions of independence, and their occupation of hunting, being connected with the ideas of hardi hood, courage, loneliness, and danger, affords the materials for a number of little traditions which I have heard among the people of these mountains. They are apt sometimes to be benighted in the hills, where there are instances of their being lost, and never heard of afterwards, although they often carry a horn with them for the purpose of making signals. The other day I was shown the ruins of a log hut in one of the little narrow vales, with a brook running through it, and a strip of green on either side ; it was connected with a little story that furnished the materials for the following, which I send you, to be used according to your discretion." SALMAGUNDI. 263 THE HUNTER OF ALLEGHANY. THE Hunter is gone from his home in the vale, To chase the wild deer on the mountain alone, Though dark is the morning, and raw the rude gale, That moans round the hill where the Hunter is gone. It is lonely and desert, no hut to be seen, No bed but the rude rock, no cloak but the skies ; And the torrent that foams its rough ridges between, Oft stops the lone Hunter as homeward he hies. 0, cold blows the north wind, and fast falls the snow, The tracks are all cover'd that guided his way ; 'Tis dark in the depths of the valley below, And the last tints of daylight are fading away. 'Tis night and around the lone hut in the vale, The snows drift, and cumber the windows and door ; Cold, dreary, and dismal now moans the sad gale, I fear me our Hunter will ne'er return more. And so fears the good wife, that sits by the fire, A listening the blast, as it rattles the door, And draws to the chimney still nigher and nigher, x She fears that her good man will ne'er come back more. 'Tis midnight and yet blows the whirlwind of snow, And louder the blast moans adown the lone vale, And still sits the good wife, all wakeful with wo, To think of the Hunter that bides the sharp gale. Is that his loud horn that resounds on the hill ? Or is it his voice moaning hollow and low ! 'Tis only the fiend of the storm howling shrill, And chiding his train through the mountains of snow. 264 SALMAGUNDI. There's a noise at the door 'tis the Hunter is come ! She runs to the door, but no Hunter is there 'Tis his dog, who through snow-drifts has found his way home, While his master is freezing, God only knows where. He looks in the wife's face, he runs to the door, And wistfully whining in accents of wo, Invites her to follow, while he tracks before She wishes to follow, yet trembles to go. But perhaps 'tis not far, and there's time yet to save The poor wand'ring pilgrim that's lost in the hills, For a lover, a mistress such perils would brave, Shall a wife then decline what a mistress fulfils ? They have brav'd the dark night, and the keen pelting wind ; Cold, cold blew the blast, and the snow fell amain, But none know if the Hunter they ever did find, Nor wife, dog, or Hunter, e'er came home again. The hut is deserted, yet none e'er ask why For few ever visit that valley so lone ; And those who may chance the log ruin to spy, Think its tenants are all to the west country gone. But one day or other, when years are past by, Some Huntsman may traverse that mountain so drear, And shrinking with horror, perchance will descry Three skeletons whitening some precipice near. And ponder, as sadly he leans on his gun, And feels his hair bristle with horrible fear, What ruffian, or wild beast, this foul deed has done, Then turn him away, and pursue the wild deer. END OF VOL. I. THIS BOOK IS DUE ON THE LAST DATE STAMPED BELOW BOOKS REQUESTED BY ANOTHER BORROWER ARE SUBJECT TO RECALL AFTER ONE WEEK. RENEWED BOOKS ARE SUBJECT TO IMMEDIATE RECALL LIBRARY, UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA, DAVIS Book Slip-Series 458 oooo u> ca ro hj \ji oa 8?