H2h 1798 ^^ c o M o e IE 33 DO D O :> 65 3D J> 3) 3> O =H 3 ^^ Holcroft He's much to blame THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES FREDERIC THOMAS BLANCHARD ENDOWMENT FUND HE'S MUCH TO BLAME, A G O M E D Y: IN FIVE ACTS. AS PERFORMED AT THE THEATRE ROYAL, COVE NT CiARDEN. FOURTH EDITION. LONDON: PRINTED FOR G. G. AND J. ROBINSON, PATERNOSTER ROW. MDCCXCVIII. ADVERTISEMENT. lHE author of He's much to Blame is in fome fmall degree indebted to Le Complaifant, a comedy attributed to Monfieur De Ferriol Pont-de-Veyle, and to the tragedy of Clavigo by Goethe. w PR PROLOGUE. ' 1 , rr 1 ROLOGUES, in thefe fagacious days, muftnot //A A-* Repeat the ftory ; and betray the plot : For deep laid plots we fometimes have, no doubt ; 'Tis pity you can't always find them out : The fecret rauft be kept ; and not be told : In this, at leaft, we beat the bards of old : We can't endure our meaning you fhould guefs, And here again we boaft complete fuccefs : Cautious left you the myftery fhould difcover, We keep you in the dark till all is over. Since thefe important points we muft not name, The title let's difcufs : He's much to blame ! To blame ? Ay, furely ; very much ! But who ? The author. Well, that's nothing very new. And what does blame induce ? Why punifhment. llafhly we fin and Ieifurely repent. Lured by that tempting bait a nine nights' bonus, Thefe fcribbling finners multiply upon us! Then prologues write ; to whine, cajole, and tickle: Begging you'll burn the rod you've laid in pickle. Shielding himfelf by thefe and fuch like arts, He hopes to hurl with furer aim his darts. But ftrike and cry, when we receive a. blow, Is arrant cowardice ! I told him fo. He's mad, who would the field of battle tread ; Unlefs he hoped to have a broken head. There's honor in fuch fears he'll win and wear it: Then give him honor plenty ! Never fpare it. But, fhould it be your pleafure not to quarrel, He'll very kindly bear his load of laurel. ' A 2 958159 DRAMATIS PERSONS. Lord Vibrate, Sir George Verfatile, Mr. Delaval, Dr. Gofterman, Thompfon, Williams, Harry, Mafter of the Hotel, Jenkins, Waiter, Footman, Mr. Quick. Mr. Lewis. Mr. Pope. Mr. Murray. Mr. Davenport. Mr. Clarke. Mr. Abbot. Mr. Thompfon. Mr. Rees. Mr. Blurton. Mr. Curtis. Lady Vibrate, Lady Jane, Maria, Lucy, Lady Jane's woman, Mrs. Mattocks. Mifs Betterton. Mrs. Pope. Mrs. Gibbs. Mrs. Norton. HE'S MUCH TO BLAME, A COMEDY. A C T 1. SCENE I. Ringing heard. The hall of a hotel, with afpacious Jiair-cafe. Enter the Master and Head Waiter meeting. Master. WHY where are all the fellows, Jenkins ? Don't you hear the bell No. 9 ? Jenk. Tom is gone up to anfvver it, fir. Mas. Who occupies that apartment ? Jenk. The handfome youth and girl, that ar- rived late laft night. Mas. Juft as I was going to bed ? Jenk. Yes, fir. Mas. He is quite a boy. Jenk. Razor has never robbed him of a hair. Mas. Some (tripling, perhaps, that has run away with his mother's maid. Jenk. They ordered feparate beds. Mas. Well, fee what they want. Jenk. Yes, fir. Mas. And, harkye,be attentive the moment you hear Lord and Lady Vibrate, or their daughter, ftirring. 6 HE'S MUCH TO BLAME:, ftirring. People of quality muft never be ne- glected. Jenk. Oh, no, fir Here is Dr. Goflerman. [Exit. SCENE II. Enter the Doctor. Mas. Good morrow, Doctor. Dr. Coot morgen, my tear friend, Is de Fi- prare family filible to fee ? . Mas. Not yet. Dr. My lordtfhip und my latyfhip vas (barge me to be mit dem betime. Mas. You are a great favourite there, Doctor. Dr. Ya, fair. Dat I am efery vhere. Mas. You act in a double capacity : phyfician, and privy counfellor. Dr. Und I am as better in de von as in de oder. Mas. Why ay, Doctor, you have a fmooth plea- fant manner. Dr. Ya, fair. Dat is my vay. I mix de fyrup mit all my prefcription. Mas. Ay, ay, you are a ufeful perfon. Dk. Ya, fair. Dat is my vay. I leave Yar- many und I com at Englandt mit little money, und great cunning in de art, und de fcience. I fhall af de effence, und de cream, und de balfam, und de fyrup, und de electric, und de magnetic, und de mineral, und de vegetable, und de air, und de earfe, und de fea, und all dat vas fubject under my command. So I make de nation be- nefit, und myfelf rifh, Dat is my vay. Mas. Yes; you can tickle the guineas into your pocket. Dk. Ya, fair. Dat is my vay. Mas. You have had manv patients? ' Dr. A C O M E D Y. 7 Dr. Ya, fair. I af cure toufand und toufand ! Dat is my vay. Mas. And how many have you killed, Doctor ? Dr. Der Teufel, fair ! Kill ? Ven my patient vasdie, dat vas Nature dat vas kill. Ven dey vas cure, dat vas Dr. Von Goftermans. Dat is my vay. No, fair ! Dr. Von Goftermans vas kill himfelf, dat oder people may live. Mas. How do you mean kill yourfelf, Doctor? Dr. Der Teufel, fair ! Vas I not be call here ? Vas I not be call dere ? Vas I not be call efery vhere ? I af hundert und toufand patient dat die efery day, till I vas com. So I vas drive to de city; und dere I vas meet my befien friend, de gout, de apoplexy, und de afthmatica: und den I vas drive to de inn of court, und de lawyer ; und dere I vas find more of my befien friend ; de hy- dropica, de rheumatica, und de paralytica. Mas. What, Doctor ! The lawyers and inns of court paralytic ? Dr. Ya, fair. Mas. I wifh they were, with all my foul ! Dr. /Und den 1 vas drive und make my reve- rence mit de lordt, und mit de duke, und mic de grandee ; und dere I vas meet modi oder of my befien friend ; de hypochondrica, de fpafmodica, de hyflerica, de marafma, de morbid affection, de tremor, und de mill before de eye. Mas. Morbid affections, tremors, and mifts before the eyes, the difeafes of the great ? Dr. Ya, fair. Und dey vas grow vorfe und vorfe efery day. Mas. Well, well, they have chofen a ikilful doctor ! Dr. Ya, fair. I fliall do all deir bufinefs, efery von. 8 HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: von. Dat is my vay. I (hall af de eflence, und de cream, und de balfam, und de fyrup, und de electric, und de magnetic, und de mineral, und de vegetable, und de air, und de earfe, und de fea, und all dat vas fubject under my command. Dat is my vay. Bote dat is as noting at rll. Ah fa, my liebfte : you vas my beften friend. You make me acquaint myfelf mit all de patient dat vas come to your houfe ; and fo I vas your beften friend, und I vas gif de phyfic for yourfelf, und de phyfic for your Chile, und de phyfic for your vife. Mas. For which my wife will never more thank you, Doctor. Dr. No : your vife vas die, und you vas tank me yourfelf. So now you tell me: Af you any new cuftomer dat vas com ? Mas. Yes : a youth, and a girl that looks like a waiting maid, arrived late laft night. Dr. Vhich it vas a perfon of grandeur ? Mas. Oh no ; wholly unattended. Dr. Ah ah ! Vhich it vas a lofing couple, den r Mas. It feems not. Dr. A poy und a vaiting vomans ! Dere fhall be fometing my fiery in dat. Mas. So I think. Here comes the girl. Dr. Ah ah ! Let me do : 1 (hall talk to her. I fhall begin by make acquaintance mit her. SCENE III. Enter Las ex down the ft air cqfe. Lu. Pray, fir, defire the waiter to make hade with breakfaft. Mas. Here, Jenkins! Breakfaft to No. 9 \ Be quick ! JfcNK. (Without) Yes, fir. Mas, A COMEDY, 9 Mas. Tea or coffee, madam ? Lu. Tea. Dr. How you do, my tear ? You vas pretty young frau : fery pretty girl, my tear. Perhaps you vas flranger, my tear ? Lu. Perhaps I am. Dr. Ah ! Vat is your name, my tear ? Lu. That which my Godmother gave me. Dr. Your maftair af made de long yourney, my tear. Lu. Has he? Dr. From vat country you com, my tear ? Lu. Hem ! Dr. I aflc, from vat country you com, my tear. Lu. Afk again. Dr. From de town of Ha ! Lu. Ay. How do you call it? Dr. Dat is vat I vant you fhall tell ? Lu. I fee you do. Dr. Your maftair is fery young, my tear. Lu. Thank you, fir. Dr. For vat you tank me ? Lu. For your news. Dr. Ah, ah! You are fery vittyundpretty,my tear. Lu. More news. Thank you again. Dr. Vat vas you call de young yentleman*s name? Lu. I will afk, and fend you word. Dr. How long fhall he be ftay in town? Lu. Till he goes into the country. Dr. Vat is your capacity, my tear ? Lu. Like yours, little enough. Dr. You not underftandt me, my tear. Vat is your poft, your office ? Lu. To anfwer rude queftions. B io HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: Dr. Your maftair is man of family? Lu. Yes. He had a father, and mother, and uncles, and aunts. Dr. Und tey vas tead? Lu. I am not a tombflone. Dr. Com, com, my tear, let you make me an^- fwer. Lu. Anan ? Enter Waiter. Wait. Here is the breakfaft, madam, Lu. Take it up flairs. \Exeunt Lucy and Waiter up the jiair cafe. Dr. Der Teufel ! A cunning yipfey ! She has make me raife my curiofity. (Calls.) My tear ! My tear ! Com pack, my tear ! (Lucy returns. J Do my compliment to your maftair, und 1 (hall nlake me mom happy if I (hall af de honeur to make me- acquaintance mit him. My name is call Dr. Von Gofterman^. I mall af de eflence, und de cream, und de balfam, und de fyrup, und de electric, und de magnetic, und de mineral, und de vegetable, und de air, und de earfe, und de fea, und all dat vas fubjecl under my com- mand. I (hall af de beft recommendation for de honefl Doqeur dat vas poffible. My Lordt und my Lity Fiprate vas my beften friend. I vas practice mit all de piggeft family in de uniferfe. Pocteur Von Goftermans vas know efery poty ; und eftry poty vas know Docteur Von Goftermans. You reJ 1 him dat, my tear. Lu. Tell him that ? I cannot remember half of it ! Are you, fir, acquainted with Lord Vi- fc rate's family ? Dr, A COMEDY, u __ Dr. Ya, my tear. I vas make friendmip mit dem more as many year. L,u. And do you know where they are ? Mas. To be fure he does. They are in this Dr. (Afide to Majier.) Hufh ! Silence your tongue ! Dere is fometing myftery. (Aloud.) If you (hall make me introduce to your maftair, my tear, I (hall tell him efery ting und more as dat, my tear. Vill you, my tear? JLu. I will go and enquire. Dr. Tank you, my tear. You are fery pretty girl, my tear : fery vitty pretty Ah ! You are io ily cunning little yipfey, my tear.* Ah ah ! [Exeunt. SCENE IV. A chamber. Mari a in man's clothes with a letter in her hand and walking with anxiety. The Waiter enters and leases the breakfaft. She then reads. Mar.- " Dear filler, The letter I now write is almoft needlefs, for I mall leave Italy and follow it immediately ; having at laft obtained intelligence of your faithlefs lover. I am forry to inform you that, in addition to your unpardonable wrongs, I have my own to vindicate. But I have threatened too long. You have heard of the Earl of Vibrate. He and his family are by this arrived in England; your betrayer accompanies them, and I am in clofe purfuit. Paul Delaval." In what will this end ? Muft they meet ? Muft they fight? Muft one or both of them fall? Oh horror ! Shall 1 be the caufe of murder ? And whofe blood is to be fpilled? That of the moft generous of brothers, or of the man on whom my iirft and laft affections have been fixed ! Is there no fafety; no means? B 2 SCENE 12 HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: SCENE V. Enter Lvcy. Lu. Why look here now, madam, you are let- ting the breakfaft grow cold! You have been reading that letter again. I do believe I (hall ne- ver get you to eat any more. Come now, pray do take fome of this 'French roll ; and I'll pour out the tea. Do! Pray do ! Pray do ! Mar. I cannot eat, Lucy: lam eaten. Ter- ror and defpair are devouring me. Lu. Dear ! Dear! What will all this come to ? )id not you promife me that, as Toon as you had got fafe to London in your difguife, you would be better ? Mar. Can it be ? My kind, my gentle, my true hearted George ! Lu. True hearted! No no, madam,he was never true hearted : or he could not fo foon have changed, becaufe his ill fortune changed to good. Every body knows true love never changes. Mar. What have I done ? How have I of- fended ? His carefles, his protestations, his tender endearments ! Is then the man in whom my foul was wrapt a vil Oh ! Lu. I declare, madam, if you take on this way, you will break my heart as well as your own. Be- tide, you forget all the while what you put on this drcis and came up to London for. Mar. Oh no. It was if poflible to prevent mifchief! Murder ! They have never met. They do not know each other. But how (hall I difcover Sir George ? Of whom (hall I enquire ? Lu. if you would but eat your breakfatt,. I do think I could put you in the way. Mar. You ? Lu* A COMEDY, ' S3 Lu. Yes. Mar. By what means ? Lu. Will you eat your breakfaft, then ? Mar. I cannot eat. Speak. Lu. Why I have juft been talking to an out- landifh comical Doctor, that fays he is acquainted with Lord Vibrate. Mar. Indeed ! Where is this Doctor? Lu. He is waiting without : for I knew you would wifh to fpeak to him. Mar. Shew him in immediately. Lu. I'll tell him you are not well ; which is but too true; though you muft remember, madam, you are a man. So dry your eyes, forget your mif- fortunes, and, there/ cock your hat, a that fafhion, and try to fwagger a little ; or you will be found out. You ftand fo like a flatue, and look fo piti- ful ! Lord, that's not the way ! If you are timor- fome, and filent, and bafhfui, nobody on earth will take you for a youth of fortune and fafhion. [Exit. Mar. (In revery.) If they Ihould meet ! Hea- vens ! They muft not. SCENE VI. Re-enter Lucy and Doctor. Lu. My maftcr is not very well : he eats neither breakfaft, dinner nor (upper, and gets no fleep. Dr. He noder eat, noder drink, noder fleep I Dat is pad ! Fery pad! But dat it as noting at all, my tear. Let me do. You (hall fee prelently py and py vat is my vay. Mar. Yourfervant, fir. Dr. Sair, I vas your mofli obliflie fery omple fairfant, fair. My name is call Dr. Von Gofter*- mans. H HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: mans. I (hall af de bed recommendation for dtf honeft Docteur dat vas poffible. I vas pradice ink all de piggeft family in de uniferfe. Docteur Von Goftermans is know efery pody ; und efery pody is know Dr. Von Goftermans. De pretty coquine yung frau tell me dat you not fery fell. You not eat, you not drink, you not ileep. Dat is pad ! Fery pad ! Bote dat is as noting at all. You tell me de diagnoftic und de prognostic of all vat you vill ail ; und I {hall make you prefcripe for de anodyne, oder de epipaftic, oder de balfamic, oder de narcotic, oder de dia- phoretic, oder de expectoratic, oder de reftoratif, oder de-emulfif, oder de inciiif; vhich is efery ting To fhveet und fo delectable as ail vat is pof- fible. Mar. Your pardon, fir, but I wifh to fee you on bufinefs of another nature. Dr.' Ah ah ! Someting of de prifate affair! Dat is coot. 1 (hall be as better for dat as for de odep. I vas know de vorl. 1 vas know efery pody; und efery pody vas know me. Dat is my vay. Mar. Perhaps then you happen to know Sir George Verfatile ? Dr. Oh, Der Teufel, fair ! Ya, ya. Sair Shorge is my beften friend. Vhich it vas fix month dat he vas fucceed to his title und eftate ; und den 1 vas make acquaintance mit him: dat is my vay. Mar. But he has been abroad fince. Dr. Ya, fair. Ven he vas poor, he vas fall in lofe mit fery pretty yung frau. Bote fo foon as he vas pecome rilh paronet dat vas anoder ting I So his A C O M E D Y. 15 his relation und his friend vas fent him to make de Gran tour. Mar. And he was eafily perftiaded. Dr. Ya, fair. He vas vat you call fery coot nature : he vas alvay comply. Mar. Compliance with him is more than a weaknefs : I fear it is a vice. Dr. So he vas make acquaintance mit Lordt und mit Laty Fiprate : und den he vas tink no more of de pretty yung frau, pecaufe he vas fall in lofe mit anoder. Mar. Sir! Another! What other? Dr. Vat you (hall ail, fair ? You mange coleur. Mar. With whom has he fallen in love ? Dr. Mit de tanghter of Lordt Fiprate. Mar. With Lady Jane ? Dr. Ya, fair: mit Laty Shane My cot, fair! vat you (hall ail ? You not make fall in lofe your- ielf mit Laty Shane ? Mar. No, no They are no doubt to be mar- ried. Dr. My Cot, fair ! you fo pale as deaths My Cot, you (hall faint ! Lu. Faint, indeed ! (JJide) Bear up, madam. (Aloud) My matter is too much of a man to faint. (/JJide) I'll run for a glafsofwater. [Exit* SCENE VII. Mar. The charming Lady Jane Where it (lie? Dr. My Lordt und my Laty Fiprate und my Laty Shane vas. all in de houfe here. Mar. In this houfe ? Dr. Ya, fair, Mar. And is Sir George here, too ? Dr. 16 HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: Dr. He is com und go alvay fometime efcry tay. Mar. Are they to be married ? Dr. My Cot, fair ! you af de ague fit. Mar. Are they to be married ? Dr. My Laty Fiprate vas mo(h incline to Sair Shorge ; und my Lordt vas fometime mofh incline too; und den he vas fometime not mo(h incline; und den he vas doubt j und den he vas do me de honeur to confukate mit me. Mar. And what is your advice ? Dr. My Lordt Fiprate vas my beften friends, und I vas adfice dat he (hall do all as vat he pleafe: und Sair Shorge vas my beften friends too, und I vas adfice dat he (hall do all as vat he pleafe : und my Laty Fiprate vas petter as my beften friends,. und den I vas more adfice dat fhe fhall do all as vat (he pleafe. Mar. But Lady Jane had another lover? Dr. Ya, fair. Mr. Delafal vas make lcfe mit her. He vas com from de Eaft Indie, und he vas lofe her fery molh ; und (he vas go mit de family to Italy, und my Laty Fiprate vas make acquaint- ance mit Sair Shorge, pecaufe he vas fo mofli plea- fant und coot humeur, und he fay all as vat (lie lay : vhich vas de vay to alvay make agreable. Mar. Could you do me the favor to introduce me to Lady Jane ? Dr. Ya, fair. I (hall do all as vat (hall make agreable. Dat is my vay. SCENE Vljr. Re-enter Lucy hajllly. Lu. {Jftde to her miftrejs) Oh, madam, don't be terrified, but I declare I have (pilled almoft all the water ! Mar. A COMEDY, 1? Mar. (Alarmed) What is the matter ? Lu. He is come ! Mar. Who? Sir George? Lu. No : don't be frightened : Mr. Delavalj from abroad. Mar. My brother! Heavens! Did he fe<2 you ? Lu. No. I had a glimpfe of him, and whifked away juft as he Hepped our. of the poftchaife. Mar. Should he meet me in this difguife, what will he fay ? Lu. Send away the Do&or, and let us Jock our- felves up. Mar. (To theDofior) I muft beg you will ex- cnfe me, fir ; but it is neceflary at prelent I mould be alone. With your permiffion, I will fee you again in the afternoon; and, in the mean time (Gives money) Dr. Oh, fair ! 1 vas your mom oblilhe fery omple fairfant^ fair. I (hall make you molh more fifit ; und den you mail tell me de diagnoftic und de prognoftic or all vat you vill ail. Lu. Yes yes, another time. Dr. Und I mall af de effencej und de cream, Und de balfam, und de fyiup, und de ele&ric, und de magnetic, und de mineral, und de vegetable, und de air, und de earfe,- und de fea, und all dat vas fubject under my command. Lu. You have told us all that before. Dr. Und I mail make you prefcripe for de ano- dyne, oder de epipaftic, oder de balfamic, oder de loporific, oder de narcotic,oder de diaphoretic,oder de expedtoratic, oder de reftoratif, oder de emul- (if, oder de incifif, vhich is efery ting fo fhveet und del cUb!e as all vat is pom-hie. C Lu. 18 HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: Lu. (Afide) Was ever any thing fo provoking ? Pray, fir, .make hafte. Dr. You (hall make remembrance of Dr. Von Gofterrnans. I am practice mit all de piggeft fa- mily in de uniferfe. Sair, I vas your mofli oblifhe fery omple fairfant, fair. (The DoStor goes off talking, and Lucy locks the door while the fcene 'changes.) SCENE IX. The hall of the hotel. Delaval, Williams, Master and Jenkins. Del. Is the portmanteau fafe ? Will. Yes, fir. Del. And the trunks ? Will. All right. Del. Have you paid the poftillions ? Will. Yes, fir. Master. (To Delaval) This way if you pleafe s fir. Jenkins ! Jenk. Coming, fir. Mas. Shew the damafk room. What will you pleafe to have for breakfaft, fir ? Del. Nothing. Mas. Sir ! Del. Any thing. Mas. Bring tea, coffee, and new laid eggs. Jenk. In a minute, fir. Del. (fo Wiliams) Obferve the directions I gave you. Enquire, immediately, and find if the Vibrate family be in town ? Will. I will be careful, fir. Hay ? ( To De- laval going) Sir ! Sir ! Del. Well ? Will. Look ! Here comes Lord Vibrate's fecretary ! SCENE A COMEDY. 19 SCENE X. Enter Thompson. Del. (To Thompfon) Mr. Thompfon ! Thom. Ah! Mr. Delaval ? I am heartily glad to fee you in England ! Del. Thank you, my good friend. But how is this ? Where is the family ? Where is Lady Jane ? Thom. I thought that would be your queftion ! They are all in this houfe. Del. Indeed ! Thom. I knew, when Lady Jane left Italy, your (lay there would be mort. Del. Ay, ay ! The follies and frenzies of the madman are vifible to all eyes, except his own. Thom. I fee you are diliatisfied. Del. Tortured, till my thoughts and temper are fo changed that I am almoft as odious to myfelf as the world is become hateful to me. Thom. I own, you have fome caufe. Del. Would my injuries were all ! But there are other and ftill deeper ftabs. It is not yet ten months fince I returned from India : my heart how light, my eve how cheerful, and my hand prompt at any commendable act. I could then be moved to joy, and forrow,and every fympathifing paffion. Smiles and mock caurtefy palled current on me, the word of man and woman was taken on trufk, and I lived in the funfhine of an open unfufpedt- ing foul. But I am now otherwife taught. I am changed. My better part is brutalized ; and the wrongs that lie rankling here have (tripped me of human affections, and made me almoft favage-. Thom. W r hat can be faid ? Patience is the - Del. Talk not of patience : I muft act. I C 2 may Slo HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: may then perhaps enquire whether I have a&ed rightly ? But I mud firft fee Lady Jane, and Lord Vibrate, Thom. Shall I inform his lordfhip of your arrival ? Del. By no means. Having injured, he may wifti not to fee me : and I would not afford him. time to invent ex-cufes, and avoid giving me a hearing. Though my wrongs muft be endured, they mall be told. Thom. I own, they are great. Del. Thofe that you know are heavy; yet, fevere as the itruggle would be, 'tis pofTible they might be hufhed to reft : but there are others which blood only can obliterate ! which can only ileep in death ! Such is the road I muft travel. Not long fince nature was jocund, the azure heavens were bright, and pleafure was in every path ; but now darknefs, fathomlefs gulphs, guilty terrors, and all the dreadful phantoms of medicated defolation, lie before me. {fixeunt^ ACT II, SCENE I. Lord Vibrate at a table with a quarto volume reading. Lord Vibrate. X HE ancient fceptics doubted of every thing, affirmed nothing, and kept the judgment always in fufpenfe: All things, faid they, are equally indifferent, uncertain, and indeterminate. The mind is never to affent to any thing; that it may never be aftonilhed, or difturbed, but enjt y , a perfect A COMEDY, 21 ' a perfect calm. (Rifes with important wifdom in his looks) Such were the maxims of Pyrrho, and his difciples ; thofe renowned fages of antiquity ! Well! And fuch too have been my maxims, practically. AU my life have I been wavering, uncertain, and indeterminate! A fagacious fceptic without knowing it; and as it were by inftinct. ! It was but lately I difcovered what a wife man I am ! And yet it feems to me as if I were fcarcely half wife enough, for I am told that I am to doubt of every thing which 1 find rather difficult. For ex- ample : that my wife Lady Vibrate is an extra- vagant rackety rantipole woman of faftnon, can I doubt that ? No. That (he fquanders my money, difturbs my peace, and contradicts for contra- diction's fake, can I doubt that ? No. Then have I not a daughter to marry, a law fuit to begin, and a thoufand perplexing affairs fo that I do not know which way to turn ? Why all this appears true to me : but the fceptics teach that appearances deceive, and that nothing is certain. I may be Lord Vibrate, or I may be the Grand Turk. Thefe doctrines are prodigiously deep. (Confiders) But I rauft think of fomething elie jult now. I have a thoufand things to do, and know as little where to begin as where they will end. Ay ! All is uncertainty ! (Rings) Harry I Edward ! SCENE II. Enter Jenkins, Jenk. Did your lo'dfhip call ? Lord V. Where are my fervants ? I want fome of my plagues. Jenk. They are ready at hand, my lord. Here js your lord(hip's fecretary, aa HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: SCENE III. Enter Mr. Thompson, and exit Jenkins. Lord V. What is the reafon, Mr. Thompfon, that nobody waits ? Here am I, fretting myfelf to a mummy for the good of my family, while every body about me is as drowfy as the court of common council after dinner ! Have they taken laudanum ? Are they in a lethargy ? Are they all dead ? Thom. If they were, your lordfhip would have the goodnefs to raife them. Lord V. Don't you know how many people I have to fee, and places I have to go to ? Thom. No, my lord. Lord V. Why, did not I tell you ? Thom. Yes, my lord. Lord V. Then how can you fay you don't know? Thom. Becaufe 1 venture to prefume, my lord, you do not know yourfelf. Lord V. I am diftracled with doubts. Harry ! SCENE IV. Enter Foot man. Har. Did your lordlhip call ? Lord V. Where are you all ? What are you aoout ? I think you have lived long enough with me to know my way. Har. Ye;-, my lord : we know it very well. Lord V. If you are not more attentive, I'll dis- charge you every one. Har. Oh no: (Half afide) you will not do that. Lord V. What are you muttering, firrah ? Har. Only, my lord, that we know your way. Lord V. A COMEDY. 23 Lord V. Order the coach at eleven. Har. Yes, my lord. Lord V. No. Order it at one. Har. Yes, my lord. Lord V. Come back ! Order it in ten minutes, and remember I am not at home. Come back ! Don't order it at all. Har. Mud vifitors be admitted ? Lord V. Yes. No. I cannot tell. I will con- sider. Be within call. Thompfon ! [Exit Footman. Thom. My lord. Lord V. Step to that picture dealer. I will have the Guido. Yet 'tis a great fum ! No It is a mafter piece. I muft have it. Why don't you go ? Thom. The picture is fold, my lord. Lord V. Sold? Gone? Have I loft it? This is always the way ! I am for ever difap- pointed. Harry ! Re-enter Fcotman. Har. My lord. Lor d V. Did you go with the meffage to the (table keeper, laft night ? Har. Yes, my lord. Lord V. Let me know when he comes. -Iar. He will come no more, my lord. Lord V. Come no more ? Har. No, my lord. Lord V. Why To ? Har. He fays you never know your own mind, my lord. Lord V. Infolent fellow ! 7 Har; 24 HE'S MUCH TO BLAME-. Har. Dr. Gofterman is below. Lord V. Admit him. Stay. I cannot fee hirri yet. In half an Jaour. In ten minutes. -By and by^ [Exit Footman. SCENE V. Lord V. I muft not wade my time in thefe trifles. I muft attend to this law bufinefs. I wifh I could determine. What am I to do, Thompfon ? Thom. In what, my lord ? Lord V. The affair of the ejectment. If I once embroil myfelf in law, there will be no end; and if I do not the confequences are ftill worfe. Thom, Then they are bad indeed, my lord. Lord V. !Tis ftrange that I can come to no-re- folution, on this fubject. Thom. (dfide.) Nor on any other. Lord V. I muft decide this very day, or the time will be elapfed. Thom. A lawyer I fliould fuppofe, my lord, would give you the beft advice. Lord V. How ? Are you mad, Thompfon ? A lawyer give good advice ! Thom. The prefent poffeffor has held the eftate twenty years. Lord V. Not till tomorrow. I have time ftill- to make my claim. How fnall I at ?- Shall I never leave this hotel ? Has- the builder been here ? Thom. No, my lord. Lord V. 1 can get nothing done* My whole life long I have been diftracted with the muiiipli- city of my affairs. Thom. And fo I am afraid, my lord, you al- ways will be. Lord A COMEDY, z$ Lord V. Why fo, fir ? Thom. Becaufe your lordfhip undertakes fo much, and does To little. Lord V. So he has not been here? Thom. No, my lord. Lord V. Nor the lawyers ? y Thom. No, my lord. Lord V. Nor my fie ward ? Thom. No, my lord. Lord V. Nor Sir George ? Thom. No, my lord. Lord V. Where is Lady Vibrate ? Where is Lady Jane? Are they all in their graves ? Have none of them (hewn figns of life yet ? Thom. Not one. Your lordfhip is the only perfon in the family who begin your miferies fo ioon in a morning. Lord V. The croffes and cares that prey upon me are enough to make any man on earth mifer- able. Thom. Pardon me, my lord, but if you would care lefs both yourfelf and your fervants would fleep the more. My lady cares for nothing j and (he can fleep, when fhe is in bed, and fing and dance and laugh at your lordfhip's cares and fears, when {he is up. Lord V. She will drive me mad ! Thom. (Going.) Ah I Here (he is, as it were for the purpofe. Lord V. Tell Harry to admit the Doctor No. Not juft yet. Yes. In five minutes. I don't know when. [Exit Tbempfon. D SCENE 25 HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: SCENE VI. Enter Lady Vibrate. Lady V. Upon my honor, my lord, you are the mod infup portable perfon imaginable. You voci- ferate vvorfe than the man who calls when my car- riage ftops the way. Is any body dying ? Is the houfe on fire ? Is the world at an end ? Lord V* By the life your ladylhip leads, I mould fuppofe it is pretty near. Lady V: You always give me fuch mocking head-achs of a morning. Lord V.- You always give me fuch mocking heart-achs of an evening. Lady V. Did not I fend to you laft night, to requeft your lordmip would not difturb me ? Lord V. It has been your lady (hip's amufe- ment to difturb me all your life. Lady V. Your lordmip knows I love amufe- ment. . Lord V. I have not flept a wink (ince. Lady V. You had flept quite enough before. Pray how long are we to remain in this hotel ? Your'lordQiip fhould remember, it is degrading for a man of rank to doze away life, in the ftile of a colonel reduced toha'lf pay. Lord V. Your ladylhip mould remember, it is degrading for a woman of rank to riot away life, and reduce her creditors to live without pay. Lady V. Plhaw ! That is the old ftory. Lord V. But it is a very true ftory. It is a great misfortune that perfons fo oppolite mould pair. Lady V. A terrible one indeed. I am ail gaiety and good humour: you are all turmoil and lamentation, I fing, laugh, and welcome pleafure wherever A COMEDY. 27 wherever 1 find it : you take your lantern to look for mifery, which the fun itfelf cannot difcover. Lord V. I am overwhelmed by croflfes and vexations; and you participate in none of them. Lady V. No. Heaven be prailed J Lord V. Will you attend to me, my lady, for half an hour ? Lady V. Mercy! Attend to you for half an hour? You, my lord, may think proper to be as miferable as Job : buc I am not Job's wife. Lord V. I infift, Lady Vibrate, on a ferious anfwer. How ought I to act ? What mould I do, in this law affair ? Lady V. I cannot tell what you ought to do : but I know what you will do. Lord V. Do you? What? Lady V. Nothing. Lord V. The recovery of this property would enable me to give my daughter a portion fuitable to her rank. If it is loft, (he will be almoft deftitute of fortune. Lady V. You fhould have thought of that be- fore, my lord,. Lord V. Before? Why I have thought of no- thing elfe for years. I have alked every body's advice. Lady V. And followed nobody's. Lord V. It (hall be fo. The ejectment (hall be ferved : proceedings (hall commence. Lady V. Ha, ha, ha ! Lord V. I fay, they (hall. I am determined. Lady V. Ha, ha, ha ! I know you, my lord. Lord V. You know! I fay they (hall, if it be only to prove that you know nothing of the matter. D 2 Lad y a8 HE'S'MUCH TO BLAME: Lady V. Ha, ha, ha! A pleafant motive ! But even that will not be ftrong enough. Lord V. But it will, my lady. Lady V. But it won't, my lord. SCENE VII. Enter Dr. Gosterman. Lord V. I fay it will, my lady. Lady V. I fay it won't, my lord. Dr. Coot morgen, to my coot lordt und my coot laty. Lord V. For heaven's fake, Doctor, flop my lady's tongue. Lady V. For heaven's fake, Doctor, give my lord a quieting draught. Dr. I (hall do efery ting as vat you defiie, my coot lordt und my coot laty. Lord V. Can nothing filence you, Lady Vi- brate ? Shall I never have a quiet hearing ? I want to talk with you and the Doctor on a thoufand things. Lady V. Yes; you with to have all the talk to yourfelf. Lord V. On the marriage of our daughter. Lady V. Oh, with all my heart. A marriage at lead begins with mufic, feaiting, and dancing. So fay on. Lord V. I am not yet determined in favor of Sir George. Lady V. But I am. (While they /peak, the Doc- tor geniculates in f aver of each.) Lord V. Mr Delaval is an unobjectionable gentleman ; and he was the fiift fuitor. Lady V. Sir George can fing ; Sir George can dance ; Sir George has air, grace, falhion, and fortune. Lord V. A COMEDY. 29 Lord V. Pihaw ! His bed qualities arc pru- dence, and attention to his own concerns. Alk the Doctor. Dr. He has fery mofli prudence, my coot lordt. Lady V. Ha, ha ha! I vow, bir George is the mod airy, thoughtlefs, pleafant perfon living: except myfelf. Dr. Ya ; Sair Shorge is fery mofh pleafant : und my latyfhip is fery mom more pleafant. Lord V. Abfurd. His humour is calm, cold, and ferious. Dr. Fery ferious, inteet. Lady V. Whimlical, animated, delightful. Dr. Fery animate, fery telightful, upon my vordt. Lord V. I never met a more difcreet fenfiblc man in my life. Lady V. True : for he thinks of nothing but his pieafures. Lord V His affairs, you mean. Lady V. 1 tell you, my lord, he is exactly what I wifh : the very foul of levity, whim, and laughter. Lord V. I tell you, my lady, he is exactly like myfeif: prudent, and full of fage helitation. He confiders before he acts. Does he not, Doctor ? Dr. Dat vas all yuft as vat you fay, my coot lordt. Lady V. He never confiders at all. Does he, Doctor ? Dr. Dat vas all yuft as vat you fay, my coo.t laty. Lord V. How fo ? We cannot both be right. Dr. You (hall pleafe to make me parton, my coot lordt, Sair Shorge vas all as vat you fay ; und 3 HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: und all as vat my coot laty fay. Mit my laty, he vas merry : mit my lordt, he vas fad. Mit my laty, he vas laugh, und vas ling, und vas tance : und he vas make melancholy, und mifery, und vas do all dat (hall make agreable mit my lordt. Lord V. Is he fo variable ? Dr. Ya, he vas fei y mofh comply : fery mofh coot humeur. He vas alvay make agreable. Bote vas my lordtlhip und my latymip know dat Mr. Delafal vas com from Italy ? Lady V. Come where ? To England ? Dr. He vas inde houfe below. I vas fee und fpeak mit his falet. Lord V. In this hotel ? Dr. He vas yuft arrife, und vas demandt dat he (hall fee my lordtlhip ; oder my latyfhip. Lady V. I am very forry he is here. He is a dun of the moft difagreeable kind, and (hall not fee me ; and I hope, my lord, you will no longer permit his addreffes to Lady Jane. My word is given to Sir George. Come with me, Doctor. [Exeunt Lady Vibrate and Daftor. SCENE VIII. Enter Mr. Delaval. Del. Pardon me, my lord, if I intrude with too little ceremony. Something I hope will be allowed to a mind much difturbed, and a heart deeply wounded and impatient to eafe its pangs. Lord V. Which way deeply wounded, Mr. Delaval ? Del. Can your lordihip afk ? Was it not with your permiffion I paid my addreffes to Lady Jane ? And was the ardour of my affection or the extent of my hopes unknown ? Lord A C O M E D Y. 31 Lord V. Why, I did permit, and I did not. I had my doubts. Del. My vifits were daily, their purpofe was declared, and I mould imagine I fpoke more re- fpe&fully to fay that you permitted than that you connived at them. Lord V. True : but {till I had my doubts. Del. Thofe doubts have flung me to the foul ; and I could wifh you had expreffed them more de- cidedlv. J. Lord V. Impoflible ! Doubts here, doubts there, doubts every where. No rational man can be decided, on any point whatever. My doubts are my continual plagues : my whole life is con- fumed by them, Del. It appears, my lord, you have conquered them on one fubjeft. Loud V. Ay indeed ! I with to heaven I had I What fubject is that ? Del. You have affianced your daughter to Sir George Verfatile. Lord V. Humph ! Yes ; and no. I have ; aad I have nor. I cannot determine. Sir George is a prudent man, his eftate is large, and the Ver- fatiles are an ancient race. But your family is ancient, you are prudent, and the wealth left by your uncle, is at lead equal. What can I (ay ? What can I do ? I don't know which to take nor which to refufe. I am everlaftingly in thefe diffi- culties. I am haraiTed night and day by them: they are the night mare, they fit upon my bofom, opprefs me, fuffocate me. 1 cannot aft. I can- not move. Del. This, my lord, may be an apology to your- felf, but the coafequence to me is mifery. Your daughter lived in my heart : with her I had pro- 6 mifed 3* HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: mifed myfelf ages of happinefs j and had cherished a paflion, impatient perhaps, but, ardent and pure as her own thoughts. This paflion your conduct authorized. My fortune, my life, my foul, were devoted to her. Mine was no light or wanton dalliance ; nor did I expect a light and wanton conduct from the noble family of. which your lordmip is the head. Lord V. What do you mean, Mr. Delaval ? I told you I was undecided ; and fo I am ftill. My lady, you know, was never much your friend. Sir George is her favourite. Del. And is Lady Jane equally changeable? Lord V. I don't know. She is my daughter ; and, judging by myfelf, I mould fuppofe (he is perplexed, and doubtful. She never, I believe, declared in your favour ? Dei. Not exprefsly, my lord. She referred me to time and you. 'Tis true I flattered myfelf her affections were wholly mine. Should (he pre- fer Sir George, or any other man, be my feelings what they will, I then am filenced. My heart could not be fatisfied with cold compliance. Oh no ! *Tis of a different ftamp. I am told (he is not at home. I hope however (he will not have the cruelty to deny me a laft interview : till when I take my leave. Only fuffer me to remark that, had you difcovered in me any fecret vice, any de- fects dangerous to the happinefs of the woman I adore, you then were juftified in your prefent con- duct. But, if you have no fuch accufation to pre- fer, I muft do my feelings the violence to declare I cannot but think it highly unworthy of a man of honor. [Exit, SCENE A COMEDY. 33 SCENE IX. Lord V. Mr. Delaval Infolent .! Highly un- worthy of a man of honor ? 1 will challenge him. * He (hall find whether I am a man of honor, or no. I will challenge him. Harry ! SCENE X. Enter Footman. Har. My lord. Lord V. Run. Tell that Mr. Delaval Hold Yes, fly ! Tell him Stay. Get me pen ink and paper 1 will teach him to infult No. I will not do him the honor to write. Order him back. Har. Order who, my lord ? Lord V. He (hall give me fatis faction. In that at leaft I am determined. He (hall give And yet what is fatisfa&ion ? Is it to be run through the body ? Shot through the head ? A man may then indeed be faid to be fatisfied I had forgotten my doubts on duelling Tell my lady I wiflv to fpeak to her. No Har. She is here, my lord. [Exit. SCENE XI. Enter Lady Vibrate and the Doctor. "Lady V. What is the matter, my lord ? You feem to be even in a worfe humour than ufual ! Lord V. Mr. Delaval has treated me difrefpeft- fully ! Lady V. Have not I a thoufand times told you he is a difagreeable impertinent perfon ? Lord V. Why, God forgive me, but I really find myfelf of your ladyfliip's opinion ! 'Tis a thing I believe that never happened before ! Lady V. And a thing I believe that will never E happen 34 HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: happen again ! I hope, my lord, you are now de- termined in favor of Sir George? Lord V. Poiitively. Finally. I pledge my honor. Lacy V. You hear, Doctor. Dr. Ya, my coot laty ; I vas hear. Lord V. I fay, I pledge my honor. I autho- rife you, my lady, to deliver that meffage to the baronet : and, that I may not have time to begin to doubt, I will inftantly be gone. [Exit. SCENE XII. Lady V. This is fortunate ! Dr. Oh, fery mo(h fortunate I fery mofli \ Lady Y* Had Mr. Delaval married my daugh- ter, we fhould have had a continual fermon on rea- fon, common fenfe, and good order! And thefe and fuch like antediluvian notions mult have been in- troduced to our family. Dr. Ah, dat ihall be pad I fery pad inteet, my coot laty ! Lady V. Now that Sir George is the man, the danger is over. Dr. Dat is creat plefling ! Lady V. But what think you are my daughter's thoughts? I fear (he has a kind of efleem for Delaval. He was her firft lover. Dr. Ya; fhe vas fery modi efteem Mr. Dela- fal, my coot laty. Lady V. But I obferve fhe liftens with great pleafure to the gay prattle of Sir George. Dr. Oh ! fery creat inteet, my coot laty. Lady V. Wemuft fecond the rifing paflion : for we muft get rid of that folemn fir. Dr. Dat vas all yuft as vat you fay, my coot laty. Lady A COMEDT. 35 Lady V. Go to her, Doctor; convince her how intolerable it will be to have a huiband whom Die cannot quarrel with, nor reproach. Paint in the mod lively colours the ftupid life (he muft lead, with fo reafonable a man. Dr. I (hall do efery ting as vat (hall make agreable, my coot laty. Dat is my vay. My laty, I vas your mofli oblifhe fery omple iairfant, my laty. [Exeunt. END OF ACT 11. ACT III. SCENE I. The ball of the hotel. Williams and Harry. Lucy /peaking to the mafler of the hot eh Will. . ALL you fay is very true, Mr, Harry. Our matters fuppofe we have neither fenfe nor feeling ; yet exact every thing that requires the five fenfes in perfection. They expect we mould know their meaning before they open their lips ; yet won't allow we have common undcrflanding. Har. More Ihame for 'em. 1 warrant for all that we can game, run in debt, get in drink, and be as proud and domineering as they for their lives. Will. Yes, yes : let them but change places and they would foon find we could rife to their vices, and they could link to ours, with all the eafe imaginable. E a Har. 36 HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: Har. They have no fuch notion though, Mr. Williams. Will. That is their vanity, Mr. Harry. J have lived with Mr. Delaval ever fince he returned from India; and, though he is a good (Sees Lucy) Hay ! Surely It mult be her ! Do you know that young woman, Mr. Harry r* Har. No : but I have heard a ftrange (lory about her. Will. Ay! It is ! What ? I am fure it is Lucy ! What ftrange ftory have you heard f* Har. Why that the came here late laft night with a young gentleman, now above, pretending to be his waiting maid. Will. With a gentleman! (Afide) Oh the jilt ! Waiting maid to a man ? 1 never heard of fuch a thing ! Har. Nor any body elfe. Will. (Aftde) The deceitful huffey ! Har. {Hears a bell) That's my lord's bell. I told you, he is never eafy. I muft go. Will. (Afide) I am glad of it By all means, Mr. Harry. Good-day [Exit Hirry. SCENE II. Will. Run away with a gentleman ! Oh ! Lu. {Coming forward) I declare, there is Mr. Williams. Will. (Afide) What a fool was I to believe me loved me! Lu. (Aftde) How my heart beats ! Dear, dear ! I could wilh to fpeak to him but then if any harm (hould come of it ? Will. (Mde) She (hall not efcape me ! Lu. A COMEDY, 3 y Ltf. (Afidt) I fhould like to aflc him how he does But I muft not betray my dear lady. (Going) Will. (Placing him/elf in her way) I beg par* don, ma'am. Lu, (Afide) Does not he know me ? Will. I thought I had feen you before ; but I find I am miftaken ! JLy. (4fide) What does he mean ? Will. You are very like a young woman I once knew. Lu. (Aftde) How angry he looks ! Will. But Ihe was a modeft pretty behaved perfon; and not an arrant jilt. Lu. Who is a jilt, Mr. Williams ? Will. One Lucy Langford, that I courted and promifed to marry : but I know better, now, Lu. You do, Mr. Williams ? Will. I do, madam. Lu. It is very well, Mr. Williams ! It is very well ! Pray let me go about my bufinefs ! Will. Oh, to be fare ! I have no right to flop you. Lu. You have no right to fpeak to me as you do, Mr. Williams. Will. No, no; ha, ha, ha ! I dare fay, I have pot. Lu. (Her fajfions riftng) No, you have not; and fo I beg you will let me pafs. My miftrefs r I mean Will. Ay, ay ! You mean, your mafter. Lu. Do I, fir? Well! Since you pleafe to think fo fo be it. Will. All the fervants know it is a man! Would you deny it } Lu> I deny nothing, Mr. Williams ; and, if you 38 HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: you are minded to make this an excufe for being as treacherous as the reft of your fex, (Keeping down her Jobs) you are very welcome, Mr. Williams I {hall neither die nor cry, at parting. Will. I dare fay not. The young gentleman above flairs will comfort you. Lu. (Bwjls into tears) It is a bafe falfe dory. I have no young gentleman above flairs, nor be- low flairs neither, to comfort me ! and you ought to know me better. Will. Did you or did you not come here late lafl night ? Lu. What of that ? Will. With a young gentleman ? Lu. No. Yes. Don't afk me fuch queftions. Will. No ! You are afhamed to anfwer them. SCENE III. Maria from the Ji air cafe. Mar. (Calls) Lucy ! Lu. Ma'am ! Sir ! Coming, fir ! Will. There ! There ! I will fee what fort of a fpark it is, however. Lu. (Struggling) Be quiet, then ! Keep away 1 You (han't ! Mar. (Defcending) What is the matter ? Who is molefling you ? Lu. (To Maria) Go back, fir! Go back ! Will. I will fee, I am determined ! SCENE IV. Del a va l from a room doer. Del. Williams ! Will. I tell you, I will. (Looking at Maria) Hay ! Blefs me ! Mar. A COMEDY. 39 Mar. Why, Lucy ! Mr. Williams ! Will. My young lady, as I live ! Del. Why do not you anfwer, Williams ? Will. Coming, fir! Mar. Mercy ! It is my brother's voice ! What (hall I do ? Lu. Hide your face with your handkerchief, ma'am. Pull down your hat. Mar. Pray do not betray me, Mr. Williams. Lu. If you do, I will never fpeak to you as long as I have breath to draw. Will. How betray ? Lu. Don't fay you know us. Mind ! Not for the world ! [Exeunt Maria and Lucy up the ftaircajc. SCENE V. Del. What is it you are about, Williams ? Will. Nothing, fir. Del. What do you mean by nothing ? Whom Were you wrangling with ? Will. Me, fir ? Wrangling, fir ? Del. Why are you fo confufed ? Will. Why, fir, I I committed a fmall mif- take. I was afking afking after a gentleman that that that proved not to be a gentleman that is - not not the gentleman that I fuppofed. Del. Why did you not come back with your meflage ? Have you learnt the addrefs of Sir George ? Will. Yes, fir: he lives in Upper Grofvenor- ftreet ; his name on the door. Del. Well, be in the way. The day (hall not pafs before I fee him. My own wrongs I could forgive. He it feems is preferred ; and perhaps i have 40 HE'S MUCH TO BLAME:! I have no right to complain : But for his injuries to my filler he (hall render me a dear account. [Exit. Will. What can be the reafon of Mifs Dela- val's difguife? Lu. (Peeping from the top of the flairs) Hft ! Hft ! Mr. Williams ! Will. Is it you ? Oh ! now I mall know. [Exit up the Jlaircafe. SCENE V!. Lady Vibrate and Lady Jane* Lady V. Really, daughter, I cannot under* ftand you. Lady J. No wonder, madam ; for I do not half underftand myfelf. Lady V. Is it poffible you can hefitate ? The good humour and complaifance of Sir George might captivate any woman. Lady J. They are very engaging j but they are dangerous. Lady V. Which way ? Lady J. His character is too pliant. If orhers are merry, fo is he : if they are fad, he is the fame. Their joys and forrows play upon his countenance : but, though they may ilightly graze, they do not penetrate his heart. Even while he relieves, he fcarcely feels them. Lady V. Plhaw ! He is a delightful man. Lady. J. I grant he does his utmoft.' But it is a folly to be the Have even of an endeavour to pleafe. Lady V. Ha, ha, ha ! Upon my honor, you are a whimfical young lady ! Afraid of marrying 4 a man A C O M E D Y. 41 a man becaufe of his affiduous endeavours to pleafe] As if that were a hufband's failing! You can prefer nofuch accufation againft Mr. Delaval. Lady J. Town he ,is of a very different cha- racter. Firm and inflexible, he imagines he makes virtue his rule, and reafon his guide. Lady V* Firm indeed? No, no: ferocious, obftinate, perverfe. Sir George tries to be agree- able, and is fuccefsful : Mr. Delaval has no fear of offending, and does not mifs his aim. Lady J. Heaven help us ! We all have faults and follies enough. Lady V. Mr. Delaval never was approved by me ; and this morning he has intuited your father. Lady J. Infulted ! How do you mean, ma- dam ? Mr. Delaval is abroad ! Has he written ? Lady V. No. He is here. Lady J. Here ! And has he not thought pro- per to let me know of his arrival ? Lady V. No, no. The haughty gentleman has only thought proper to reproach Lord Vibrate for admitting the^retenfions of Sir George. He is too proud to endure a competitor. Lady J. Indeed ! Such pride is the very way to infure his competitor fuccefs. Infulted my fa- ther ! ' Lady V. I will leave you to judge how deeply when I tell you that, fluctuating and undecided as Lord Vibrate always is, he was fo offended that he pledged his honor in favor of Sir George. Lady J. Infuit my father, and-not deign to let me know of his arrival ! Lady V. 1 hope, when Sir George comes, you will admit him. Lady J, Certainly, madam; certainly. F Lady 4 z HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: Lady V. And that Mr. Delaval will be de- nied. L,ady J. It feems I need give myfelf no con- cern abouc that : the gentleman will not even take the trouble to fend up his name. Lady V. I am glad you feel it properly. Lady - J. Pardon me, madam. I will not con- defcend to feel it, in the lead. It mail not affect me ; no not for a moment. I had indeed con- ceived a very different opinion of Mr. Delaval. I am glad I have difcovered my error, before it is too late. I could not have believed it poffible ! But it (hall not difturb me. It mail give me no uneafinefs. I will keep myfelf perfectly cool, and unconcerned, and ungenerous, unfeeling man ! [Exit. SCENE VII. Lady V. She is delightfully piqued, and Sir George will fucceed ! Sir G. (Without) Are the ladies above ? Foot. {Without) Yes, fir. Lady V. I hear him ! The very found of his voice infpires mirth. Enter Sir George. Sir G. Ah, my dear Lady ! Lady V. I am infinitely glad to fee you, Sir George ! You are come at a lucky moment. Sir G. Is then my fate decided ? Lady V. It is ! It is ! Sir G. Happy tidings ! Lady V. But firft tell me Sir G. Any thing ! Every thing ! Speak ! Lady V. Are you not of my opinion? Sir G. A C O M E D Y. 43 Sir G. To be fure I am ! What is it ? Lady V. That pleafure is the bufinefs of life. Sir G. Oh, beyond all doubt ! LadyV. That infpe&ing accounts Sir G. Is vulgar drudgery ! Lady V. And looking after our affairs Sir G. A vile lofs of time ! Lady V. That care in the face denotes Sir G. The .owner a fool ! Lady V. And that forrow is a very ridiculous thing ! Sir G. Fit only to excite laughter ! Lady V. Why then, Sir George, I am your friend. Sir G. Ten thoufand thoufand thanks ! But, what fays my lord ? Lady V. Would you believe it ? He confents, has pledged his honor, and fent the meffage by me. Sir G. Rapture ! Enchantment ! Lady V. Yes. The reign of pleafure is about to begin ! Sir G. Light, free, and fantaftic; dancing an eternal round ! Lady V. No domeftic troubles ! Sir G. No grave looks ! Lady V. No ferious thoughts ! Sir G. We will never think at all ! Lady V. No cares, no frowns ! Sir G. None, none, by heavens, none ! It fhall be fpring and funfhine all the year I Lady V. Then our appearance in public ! Sir G. Splendid! Dazzling! Driving to the opera ! F 2 Lady V. 44 HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: Lady V. Dreffing for Ranelagh ! Sir G. A phaeton to-day! Lady V. A curricle to-morrow ! Sir G. Dafh over the downs of Piccadilly, de- fcend the heights of St. James's, make the tour of Pall-mall, coafl Whitehall Lady V. Back again to Bond-ftreet Sir G. Scour the fquares, thunder at the doors ! Lady V. How do you do ? How do you do ? How do you do ? Sir G. And away we rattle, till ftone walls are but gliding fhadows, and the whole world a Ga- lanty (how. Lady V. You area charming man, Sir George ! and Lady Jane is yoursi Sir G. My dear lady, your words infpire me ! I am all air, fpirit, foul ! I tread the milky way, and ftep upon the liars ! Lady V. But you muff not, before the mar- riage, talk thus to Lord Vibrate. Silly man ! He and you will never agree. Sir G. Oh yes, but we mail. I I Hike his humour ! Lady V. Do you ? Sir G. Prodigioufly ! Whenever I am in his company, I am as grave as Good Friday. Lady V. Indeed! Sir G. He is full of fage reflection. So am I. Doubtful of every thing. So am I. Anxious for the prefenr, provident for the future. So am I. Overflowing with prudential maxims ; fententious, fentimental, and folemn. So am I. Lady V. You fentimental ! Sir G. As grace before meat, in the mouth of an alderman, A COMEDY. 45 Lady V. You folemii ! Sir G. As the black patch on a judge's wig. Lady V. I muft tell you, Sir George, I hate fentiment. Sir G. Oh ! So do I ! Lady V. Solemnity is all a farce. SirG. And thofe that act it buffoons. I know it ! Lady V. I love mirth, pleafantry Sir G. Humour, whim, wit, feafting, revelry, fhout, long, dance, and joke. So do I ! So do I ! Sodol! Lady V. The very mention of duties and cares makes me fplenetic. Sir G. Curfe catch duties ! I hate them ! Give me life, the wide world, the fair fun, and the free air ! Lady V. I fay, give me midnight, the rattling of chariot wheels, and the lighted flambeau ! Sir G. Ay ! A rout ! A cram of coaches ! A Jane, of footmen! A blazing flair- cafe ! A fqueeze through the anti-chamber ! Card tables ! Wax lights ! Patent lamps ! *Bath ftoves and fuffocation ! Oh lord ! Oh lord ! Lady V. Exquifite ! You are a delightful man ! Sir G. Am I ? Lady V. You enter perfectly into all my ideas! Sir G. Do I ? Lady V. And defcribe them even better than I myfelf can. Sir G. Oh, my dear lady ! Lady V. Yes, you do. Sir G. No, no. Lady V. But then, ha, ha, ha! That you 4 mould 46 HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: fliould be able to fall in with my lord's abfurdities fo readily ! Sir G. Nothing more eafy. I have one infal- lible rule to pleafe all tempers. I learnt it of our friend the Doctor. Lady V. Sure ! What is that ? Sir G. I prove that every body is always in the right. Lady V. Prove my hufband to be in the right! Do if you can. Sir G. My lord loves to be reftlefs, and doubt- ful, and diftreffed : he delights in teafing and tor- menting himfelf ; and why mould I interrupt his pleafures ? Lady V. Ha, ha, ha ! Very true. Sir G. I fall in with his humour. I (hew him how rational it is, afford him new arguments for difcontent, and encourage him to be miferable. Lady V. Ha, ha, ha ! Oh you malicious divle ! Sir G. My dear lady, you miftake. I do it from pure companion. It makes him happy. Every child delights in the fqueaking of its own trumpet ; and (hall I have the cruelty to break the toy ? A we'll bred perfon is cautious never to contradict. It is become a very effential requifite to fay Ay, and No, in the mod complying manner poffible. Lady V. Ah, Sir George, you are one of the dear inimitable few. Sir G. Only a copy of your charming felf.' Lady V. You and I muft totally reform our ftupid family. Amuferhent (hall be our perpetual occupation. Sir G. Day and night. Lady V. A COMEDY. 47 Lady V. We will commence with your mar- riage. It fhall be fplendid ! Sir G. Afeaft, a concert, a ball ! The whole town fhall ring with it ! Lady V. I hate a private wedding. A fmall felect party is my averfion. Sir G. Oh, nothing is fo infipid ! Pleafure cannot be calm. Lady V. I with to be Teen, and heard Sir G. And talked of, and paragraphed, and praifed, and blamed, and admired, and envied, and laughed at, and imitated I Lady V. I live but in a crowd. Sir G. Give me hurry, noife, embarrafTment Lady V. Confufion, diforder Sir G. Tumult, temped, uproar, elbowing, fqueezing, preffing, pufhing, fqueaking, fquall- ing, fainting ! Lady V. Exquifite ! Tranfporting ! Sir G. You remember I receive mafks this evening ? Lady V. Can I forget ? Sir G. You will be there ? Lady V. There ? Ay ! Though I mould come in my coffin. Sir G. Ha, ha, ha ! An excellent idea ! I never yet faw a mafk in the character of a Memen- to mori. , Lady V. Ah ! Turn about, and you will fee a Memento mori without a mafk ! SirG. What, my lord? Lord V. (Without) I cannot tell. I will con- fider, ^and fend an anfwer. Lady V. Here he comes, to interrupt our de- lightful dreams : a very antidote to mirth and pleafure. 48 HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: pleafure. He will give you a full dofe of the dif- mals. But you mud flay and fpeak to him. Re- member, his honor is pledged : infift upon that. I pity but cannot relieve you. \Exit. SCENE VIII. Enter Lord Vibrate. Lord V. I have been too fudden. I ought not to have pledged my honor. This is the confe- quence of hafty determination : of not doubting before we decide. Shall I never correct myfelf of that fault ? (Sees Sir George. They look full at each other till Sir George catches the fame difmal kind cf countenance) Ah, Sir George ! Here am I, brim full of anxiety and turmoil ! Sir G. Alas ! Man was born to trouble. Lord V. Perplexed on every fide; thwarted in every plan : no domeftie comfort, no friend to grieve with rae, no creature to fhare my miferies. Sir G. Melancholy cafe ! Lord V. One crofting me, another blaming me, and my wife driving me mad ! Sir G. Diftreffing fituation ! Lord V. My cares laughed at, my vigilance mocked, my fufFerings infulted ! And why ? ' Becaufe I am cautious ! becaufe I doubt ! be- caufe I am provident ! What is man without money ? Sir G. A fountain without water. Lord V. A clock without a dial. Sir G. (Warming and becoming rapid as he pro- ceeds) What is it that buys refpeS, and honor, and power, and privilege, and houfes, and lands, and wit, and beauty, and learning, and lords, and commons, and Lord V. ' A COMEDY. 49 # Lord V. Why money ! Then the manners of \his diflipated age ! Sir G. They are truly fhocking ! They, they, they are abfurd, ridiculous, odious* abominable. Lor d V. And to what do they lead ? Sir G. To every thing that is horrid ! To lofs of peace, lofs of property, lofs of principle, lofs of refpecV bankruptcy, ruin, contempt, difeafe, and death ! Lord V. (Afide) Yes, yes: he's the man! I do not think 1 repent Heaven be praifed, Sir George, you are a man of underftanding ; an economift. You will regulate your family and af- fairs to my heart's content. Sir G. Oh ! it mail be my ftudy ! my daily practice I my duty ! my delight ! Lord V. You make me happy-^-and yet I cannot but wonder* being fo rational a man, how you and my lady mould agree fo well. Sir G. Dear, my lord, why fo ? Women are the molt manageable good creatures upon earth. Lord V. Women good?' Sir G. Indubitably : wherj they are pleafed. Lord V. So they fay is the devil. Sir G. The fweet angels deferve to be hu- moured. Their fmiles are fo enchanting ! And, ihould they frown, who can be angry when we know the dear wayward fyrens will only look the more bewitching, as foon as they are out of their pouts ? It is fo delightful to fee the Sun breaking from behind a cloud. LordV. Pfhaw ! When a woman begins to grow old: Sir G. Hum! The Sun The Sun never G grows 5 HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: grows old. I grant you that formerly there ufed to be old women : but there are none now ! Lord V. Then you think me a fool for being wretched at my wife's thoughtleffnefs, caprice, and impertinence ? Sir G. No, I don't. Every body tells us that wives were born to be the plague of their hu (bands. Lord V. And mine is the greateft of plagues ! Sir G. What is a wife's duty ? To obey her lord and mafler. 'Tis her marriage promife, and the law binds her to it. She is the minifter of his pleafures, the handmaid of his wants, his good?, his chattels, his vendible property. Lord V. Ay : we find the hufband may take the wife to market in a halter. Sir G. In which I mould hope he would after- ward hang himfelf ! Lord V. My lady thinks of nothing but revel- ling, and racketing, and turning the world uplide down ! Sir G. *Tis a great pity. Lord V. Her tongue is my torment. Sir G. The perpetual motion ! It never ceafes ! Lord V. Then how can you like her company ? Sir G. She is not my wife. Lord V. No, or you would not be fuch good friends. Did fhe fay any thing concerning the marriage ? Sir G. Oh, yes. "She delivered your lordftiip's kind meflage. Lord V. What, that I had pledged my honor ? Sir G. Irrevocably. Lord V. A COMEDY. 51 LordV. I was very ram. Hafty refolutions bring long repentance She infills that the nup- tials lhall be public 1 Sir G. Does (lie, indeed ? Lord V. For my part, I hate any difplay of vanity. Sir G. It is extremely ridiculous! What would our orientation, pomp, and magnificence be, but advertifmg ourfelves to the world as fools and coxcombs ? Lord V. Is that a rational ufe of money ? Sir G. Should it not be applied to relieve the aged, comfort the poor, fuccour the diftrefied Lord V. What? Sir G. Reward merit, encourage induftry, and promote the public good ? Lord V. Promote a farce! Sir G. Very true : the public good is a farce ! Lord V. The true ufe of money is to defend our rights Sir G. Revenge our wrongs, purchafe for the prefent, provide for the future, fecure power, buy friends, bid defiance to enemies, and lead the world in a firing ! Lord V. Ay ! Now you talk fenfe. So, if I mould confent, the wedding (hall be private. Sir G. Calm: tranquil. Lord V. No feafting. Sir G. No dancing: no mufic : no pantomime pleafures : but all filent, fetene, pure, and undif- turbed. Lord V. We. will juft invite a feled party. Sir G. A chofen few. Lord V. None but our real and fincere friends. Sir G. And then we (hall be fure the houfe will hold them. G 2 SCENE 52 HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: SCENE IX. Enter Harry. Har. My lord, the builder defires to know if you will fee him ? Lord V. 1 am coming. I will be with him in five minui.es. Har. He fays, he can ftay no longer. Lord V. Then let him go. I will be with him prefently. Har. The lawyers have fent word they ars waiting for your lordfhip, at Counfellor Demur's chambers. Lord V. Very well. There let them wait* The law is flow, and every map ought to be flow xvho is going to law. Come with me, Sir George. I have i'ome papers to confult you upon. Har. The tradefpeople too are below. Lord V. Thus it is! 1 am eternally befieged ! J never have a moment to myfelf ! Har. This is the tenth time they have been iere, by your lordfhip's own appointment. Lord V. What of that ? Har. They are become quite furly. They all abufe me ; and fome of them don't fpare your lordfhip. Lord V. Do you hear, Sir George ? Sir G. Oh (hocking! Your tradefpeople are a fad unreafonable fet. You cannot convince them that, if we were to keep our appointments, be punctual in our payments, and know what we do want and what we do not, we mould no longer be perfons of fafhion. SCENE X. Enter Thompson. Thom. Iamjuft come from the lawyers, my lord. The courts are fitting, their clients waiting, and, A COMEDY. 53 and, if your lordfhip do not go immediately, they will be gone. Lord V. Very true; and this lafl opportunity of ferving an ejectment will be loft. I have a thou- sand things to attend to. Would you be kind enough, Sir George, to go and Hold No I don't know what to do ! The eftate is valuable : but law is damnable. I may lofe the caufe : it may coil even more than it is worth. Writs of error ! Brought into chancery ! Carried up to the Lords ! Sir G. Then the ftupidity of juries, the fiction* of law, the chicanery of lawyers, their tricking, twitting, turning, lying, wrangling, browbeating* cajoling! Lord V. Their frauds, collufions, perjuries, robberies ! Sir G. Ay! Detinue, replevin, plea, impart lance, replication, rejoinder, rebutter, furrejoinder, furrebutter, demurrer Lord V. Take breath ! We ought both to demur : for it is the devil's dance, and both Plain- tiff and Defendant are obliged to pay the piper. [Exeunt* END OF ACT III. ACT 54 HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: ACT IV. SCENE I. The apartments o/Lord Vibrate. Lady Jane, her Woman, the Doctor, and Footman. Lady J. (To Footman.') r I ^ELL the young gentleman I wait his plea- -* fure. (Exit Footman.) It is very fingular ! Men, I believe, do not often travel attended by waiting maids ! Dr. Dat is de myftery, my Laty Shane. Lady J. What can he want to fay to me ? Dr. Dat is de more myftery, my Laty Shane. He vas fery molh young, und fery mofh hand- iome, und he vas fery mofh make fall in lofe mit you, my Laty Shane. Lady J. Nonfenfe ! Dr. My Laty Shane vas fo full of de beauty dat you vas make (harm efery pody, my Laty Shane ! Und as your name vas make mention, my Laty Shane, he vas all fo pale as deaths ! Lady J. {Afide to her woman.) You are fure, you fay, Mr. Delaval made enquiries ; and fent up his name ? Wom. {To Lady Jane.) Law, my lady ! Could you think he would not ? I faw him before ten o'clock ; juft as you fent me where I was kept fo long : and, goodnefs ! Had you beheld what a taking he was in ! I warrant you, my lady, he afked a hundred and a hundred questions in a breath ; and all about you ! Lady J. Well, go now where I defircd you. ^Wom. Yes, my lady. [Exit, A C O M E D y. 55 SCENE II. Footman returns introducing Maria. Salute. Mar. (4/ide) Why do I tremble thus ? Lady J. (To Doclor) What a charming coun- tenance ! Dr. Oh, fery mom (harming ! Lady J. How prepoffeffing his appearance ! : Dr. Ya : he vas fery modi poflefs. Re-enter Footman. Foot. Sir George has fent this domino and mafk, to know if they meet your ladyfhip's ap- probation. Lady J. Ha, ha, ha! Italian refinement, copied after fome Venetian Cicifbeo. Put them down. Mar. (Afide. Regarding the domino and majk.) Here his prefents, and here his affections are now directed ! How (hall I fupport the fcene ? Lady J. You wifh, fir, to fpeak to me. Mar. (Faltering) Embarrafled by the liberty I have taken ^LiAdy J. Let me requeft you to wave all apo- logy, and tell me which way I can oblige or ferve you. Mar. You are acquainted with Sir George I you Pray pardon me. I am overcome. My fpirits are fo agitated Lady J. (Eagerly reaching a chair.) Sit down, fir. You are unwell ! Blefs me ! Doclor ! Dr. (To Lady Jane figmficantly.) I vas tell my Laty Shane vat it vas Here, fair, you fhmell mit dat elixir; und I (hall make your neck bandt tie joofe, und {Going to laofen her neckcloth.) Mar. (Alarmed and putting him away.) Pray forbear ! $6 HE'S MltCH TO BLAME: Dr. (Afide. Imitating the heaving of the bofom.) Ah ha ! Der Teufel ! He vas a vomans ! Lady J. Are you better ? Mar. A moment's air. (Gees to the window.) Dr. (Afide) Dat vas de fometing myftery ! Mar. (To Lady Jane.) If you would indulge me a few minutes in private ? Lady J. By all means 'Dodor^-^hi/pers.) Dr. Ya, ya, my Laty Shane, I vas unterftandt j und I vas do efery ting as vat (hall make agreable. Dat is my vay Sair, I vas your mofh oblifhe fery omple fairfant, fair. I vas unterftandt. My Laty Shane, I vas your mofli oblifhe fery omple fairfant, my Laty Shane~( Afide) Ah ha ! [Exit* SCENE III. Lady J. Take courage, fir. Mar. I am unequal to the talk. This difguife fits ill upon me. Lady J. What difguife > Mar. I am not what I feem. I Lady J. Speak ! Mar. I am a woman. Lady J. Heavens ! Mar. Diftreffed Lady J. By poverty ? Mar. Oh no. I come to claim your counfef. Lady J. In what way ? Mar. To prevent mifchief. The fliedding of blood. Lady J. The (hedding of blood ? SirG. (Withcutf) I will be with you again prefently, my lady. Mar. Mercy ! It is Sir George! What fhall I do ? He rauft not fee me ! This way (Hurries on the domino and majk.') Aid me, dear lady, to g conceal A COMEDY. 57 conceal myfelf ; and excufe conduct which I can- not now explain. Lady J. Depend- upon me, madam. (Afide) This is as unaccountable as it is alarming ! SCENE IV. Maria in the back ground. Sir George introduced by a Foctman. Sir G. I come, my charming Lady Jane, fly- ing and full of bufinefs, to confult you on a thou- sand important affairs ! Lady J. Surely ! What are they ? Sir G. Upon my foul, I don't know ! Lady J. Heyday ! Sir G. They have every one flipped my me- mory. Lady J. Miraculous ! Sir G. Whenever I have the inexpreffible pleafure of enjoying your fmiles, I can think of nothing elfe. Mar. (Afide) Perjured man ! Lady J. My fmiles ! Ha, ha, ha ! What if I fhould happen to frown ? Sir G. Impoffible ! No lowering clouds of dif- content dare ever (hade the heavenly brightnefs of your brow. Mar. (Afide) Oh ! Lady J. Very prettily faid, upon my word. Where did you learn it ? Sir G. From you ! 'Tis pure infpiration, and you are my mufe. Lady J. No, no ; 'tis a flight beyond me'. I love plain profe. Sir G. So do I ! A mere common place mat- ter of fact man, 1 ! The weather, the time of the H day, 58 HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: day, the hiftory of where I dined Lift, the names and titles of the company, the dimes brought to table, the health, ficknefs, deaths, births and marriages of my acquaintance, and fuch like toothpick topics for me ! I am as literal in my narratives as any town-crier; and repeat them as often. Lady J. Yet I mould wifh to talk a little com- mon fenfe. Sir G. Oh ! So mould I ! I allure you, I am for pros and cons and whys and wherefores. Your Ariftotle?, and Platos, and Senecas, and Catos are my delight ! I honor their precepts, venerate their cogitations, and adore the length of their beards ! which luckily reminds me of the mafquerade. Is my domino to your tafte ? Lady J. Ha, haj ha ! Ancient fages, dominos, and tafte. Sir G. Did yon not notice the colour ? Lady J. Oh! The tafte of a domino is in its Colour ? Sir G. Why, no : but there may be meaning. Lady J. Explain. Sir G. Mine is faftVon. Lady J. What of that ? Sir G. Cruel queftion ! Hymen and his robe. L,ady J. Oh oh! Mar. (./iftde) She is pleafed with his perfidy. Lady J. A very fignificant riddle truly! Mar. (Advancing) Are you fo foon to be mar- ried, fir ? Sir G. Blefs me, Lady Jane X What frolick- fomc gentleman is this ? In mafquerade fo early, ami my domino ! Mar. Permit me once more to afk, if you are foon to be married ? SirG. A COMEDY. 59 Sir G. Your queftion, fir, is improperly addreff- ed. Put it, if you pleafe, to that lady. Mar. (/f/ide to Sir George) Is that the lady to whom the queftion ought to be put ? SirG. (Afide) What does he mean ? Will you indulge me, fir, by taking off that maik ? Mar. No, fir. SirG. 'Tis mine; and I am induced to claim it, from the great curiolity I have to fee your face. Mar. Do you not adore this lady ? Sir G. (Afide) An odd queftion ! More than language can exprefs ! Mar. (Afide) Oh, falfehood ! Then I put myfelf under her protection. SirG. You know guardian angels when you fee them. Pray, however, let us become acquainted. Mar. For what reafon ? Sir G. 'Twould gratify me. I fhould like you. Mar. Oh, no! ' Sir G. I certainly fhould. There is fomething of pathos and mufic in your voice, which, which I never heard but one to equal ir. Mar. And whofe voice was that? Sir G. Oh, that that was a voice fo ingenuous, fo affectionate, fo fafcinating ! Mar. Rut whofe voice was it ? Lady J. (/fide) What does this mean > Mar. Tell me, and you (hall fee my face. Lady J. (Afide) Aftonifliing ! Sir G. 1 mutt not I dare not I fhall never hear it more ! Mar. (Afide) My feelings fo overpower me I fhall betray myfelf. {To Lady Jatie) Permit me to retire. H 2 Lady T. 6a HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: Lady J. You have alarmed arid Itrangely moved me ! I hope you will remrn ? Mar. Oh yes ; and moft happy to. have your permiflion. Sir G. Why do they whifper ? (To Maria go- ing) Will you not let me know who you are ? Mar. No. Sir G. Why ? Mar. Becaufe I am one you do not love. [Exit. Sir G. One I do not lo^ve ! Lady J. (Afide) This is incomprehenfible ! Re-enter Maria hajlily. Mar. (To Lady Jane) Oh, madam ! Lady J. What more is the matter "I Mar. For your life, do not mention the names of either ofthefe gentlemen to the other ! Lady J. What gentlemen ? Mar. He is coming! They do not perfonally kaow each other. If they fhould, there would be murder ! I dare not (lay. For the love of God beware ! ' [Exit majked as Delaval enters. SCENE V. Sjr G. (Calling') Harkye, fir, come back ! My domino ! I mail want it in an hour or fo Who have we here ? Del. (With much agitation cf manner) Your la- flyfhip's very humble fervant. Lady J. Oh ! How do you do ? How do you do ? (Afide) Who can that lady be ? She knows jl>em both, it feerns; and knows their rivalmip ! Her A COMEDY. 61 Her terror is contagious ! Is their hatred fo dead- ly ? I (hall certainly betray them to each other. Del. (Afide) Whataftrange behaviour fhe puts on ! Dues (he affect to overlook me ? {Observing Sir George) Who is this ? Lady J. Are you j aft arrived ? Del. This very morning : fooner I fear than than was defired. 'Lady J. Do you think fo ? (o Sir fceorga) Why don't you go to Lady Vibrate ? She is wait- ing. Sir G. 'Tis the fate of forty. Lady J. What ? Sir G. To wait. {Afide. Eyeing Delaval) Who can this fpark be, that Ihe wants me gone ? Pray what is the name of the youth that has made fo free with my domino and mafk ? Lady J. I really don't know. Sir G. Don't know ? Lady J. I can't anfwer queftions at prefent. I am flurried ; out of humour. Del. I fear at my intrufion ? Lady J. I wim you had come at another time. Del. I expected my vifit would be unwelcome; let me requeft, however, to fay a few words. Lady J. Well, well ; another time, I tell you: when I am alone. SirG. {Afide) Oh ho! Del. They were meant for your private ear. Sir G. {Afide) Were they fo? Del. {Afide) By her confufion and his manner, I fufpect this to be the bafe betrayer of my filler's peace : the man whofe bare image makes my heart ficken, and my blood recoil. Lady J. 62 HE'S MUCHTOBLAME: Lady J. (j4f.de) Will they neither of them go ? Why do you loiter here, Sir Ge {Coughs) Sir G. I mud flay till the gentleman brings back, my domino and mafk, you know. (Afide) I'll not leave them. Del. (Afide) I am perfuaded it is he Excufe me, fir : would you indulge me with the favour of your name ? Sir G. My name, fir ! My name is Lady J. (Afide to Sir George) Hum! Don't tell it ! Sir G. (To Lady Jane) Why not ? Lady J. I infill upon it ! Sir G. Nay, then My name, fir, is a very pretty name. Pray what is yours ? Del. (Af.de) Yes, yes, it muft be he Have you any reafon to be alhamed of it ? Sir G. Sir ! Did you pleafe to fpeak ? Upon my honor, you are a very polite pleafant perlon. Del. (Afde) If I mould be miltaken I ac- knowledge, fir, there is but one man, whofe name I do but whofe peifon I do#<?/ know, to whom that queftion would not have been rude in the extreme. Should you not be that man, I aik your pardon. Sir G. Should I not ! Sir, that I may be fure I cm not, allow me to aik his name ? Del. His name is Lady J. {Scream's andfnks on the chair 1 ) Oh ! Del. Good Heavens ! Sir G. What has happened ? Del. Are you ill ? Sir G. Is it cramp,. or fpafm ? Del. Surely you have not broken a blood vcf- fel? Sir G. Shall I run for a phyfician ? A.COMEDT. , j Lady J. Inftantly. SirG; I fly! Yet I muftnot leave you ! Lady }. No delay, if you value my life. Del. Your life! I will go ! Lady J. (Detaining him) No, no. Sir G. I fly ! I fly ! [Exit. SCENE VI. Enter Lady J ane's woman. Wom. Dear ! my lady, what is the matter ? Lady J. Lead me directly td my own room. . Del. Shall I carry you ? Lady J. No : only give me your arm, and come with me. I want to talk to you. I wifli to hear what you have to fay. (Jlfide to her woman) When Sir George comes back, tell him I am part- ly recovered, but mult not be ditturbed. It is my pofitive order. Del. (Afide) What does fhe whifper ? Lady J. Stay The Doctor may come in ; but not Sir George. Mind, on your life, not Sir George ! Come, fir. Del. (/IJide) This fudden change ismyflerious. Here is concealment. Lady J. Come, come* [Exeunt Belaz-al and Lafy. Jane. SCENE VII. Wom. I purteft, it has put me in fuch a flufter that I am quite all of a twitter ! Enter Sir George followed by Dr. Gosterman. Sir G. Come along, Doctor ! Make hade Where is Lady Jane ? Wom. In her own room. Sir G. 64 HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: Sir G. Is (he worfe ? Wom. No, fir; much better : but Ihe muft not be difturbed. Sir G Nay, nay, I muft fee her. Wom. Indeed, fir, I can let nobody in but the Doctor. Sir G. Why fo ? Is not the gentleman I left here now with her ? Wom. I fuppofe fo, fir. Sir G. And I not admitted ? Wom. On no account whatever. Sir G. He allowed, and I excluded ! Indeed, I mall attend the Doctor. Wom. Upon my honor, fir, you muft not. Sir G. Upon my honor, I will ! My rival mail not efcape me ! Dr. Ah ha! De rifal ! Ha, ha, ha! Dat is coot ! De .young hr dat vas mit Laty Shane vas make you mealoufy > Ha, ha, ha ! Dat is coot ! Bote dat is as noting at all. I (hall tell you de fometing myflery. He vas no yentlemans. Ah ha !' He vas a vomans. Sir G. A woman ! Dr. Ya, fair. He vas make acquaintance mit me, und I vas make acquaintance mit him ; und he vas make faint, und I vas tie loofe de neck bandr, und den ! Ah ha ! I vas difcober de mans vas a vomans ! Sir G. You aflonifh me ! Da. Ya, fair. I vas make aflonifh myfelf. Wom. Won't you go to my lady, Doc~tor ? Dr. Ya, my tear. Let me do. Laty Shane is fery pad; und I lhallaf de efTence, und de cream, und de balfam, und de fyrup, und de electric, und de magnetic, und de mineral, und de vege- table, A COMED Y. 65 table, und de air, und de earfe, und de Tea, und all, Sec. [Exit ; gabbling. SCENE VIII. Sir G. I mould never have fufpe&ed a wo- man ! A ftont, tall, robuft figure ! And for what purpofe difguife herfelf? That may be worth en- quiry. I will wait and if poffible have another look at the lady. SCENE IX. Enter Lord Vibrate, and Mr. Thompson. Lord V. Two hundred and forty pounds ! 'Tis a very large fum, Mr. Thompfon. Thom. So large, my lord, that I have no means of paying it. I muft languish out my life in a prifon. Lord V. No, Mr. Thompfon, no : you (hall not do that. I will And yet Two hundred A prifon I don't know what to fay. If I pay this money for you, I ihall but encourage all around me to run in debt. Thom. It is a favour too great for me to hope. Lord V. You are a worthy man, and a prifon is a bad place I you Pray what is your opi- nion, Sir George ? Is it not dangerous for a man to 'have the character of being charitable ? Sir G. No doubt, my lord ! It is the very cer- tain way for his houfe to be befieged by beggars ! Lord V. The mafter who pays the debts of one domeftic makes himfelf the debtor of all the reft. Sir G. He changes a fet of fervants into a fet I of 66 HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: of duns ! He firft encourages them to be extrava- gant, and then makes it incumbent upon himfelf to pay for their follies and vices ! He not only bribes them to be idle, and infolent, but to wafte his property as well as their own ! Lord V. It is, as you fay, a very ferious cafe. I 1 am forry for your misfortune, Mr. Thompfon very forry but really Sir G. Misfortune! What misfortune ? Lord V. He has foolifhly been bound for his fiftei's huiband ; and muft go to prifon for the debt. Sir G. To prifon ? Lord V. You have (hewn me how dangerous it would be for me to interfere. Sir G. Very true: very true. He has lived with your lordfhip feveral years ? Lord V. He has ; and I efteem him highly. Sir G. A worthy man, whom it would be no diferace to call your friend ? Lord V. None. Still, however, confequences muft be weighed. I muft take time to confider. 'Tis folly to act in a hurry. SirG. Very true caution caution Is it a large fum ? Lord V. No Jefs than two hundred and forty pounds ! Sir G. Caution is a very excellent thing Two hundred and forty \A fine virtue Two I would advife your lordfhip to it by all means hundred and forty (Looks round) Will you permit me juft to write a Ihort memorandum : a bit of a note ? (Goes to a tabid} I muft fend to. a certain place. (JVriies) Excufe me a moment. Lord A C O M E D Y. 67 Lord V. What can be done in this affair, Mr. Thorn pfon ? Thom. Nothing, my lord. I am refigned. When I aflifted'my brother, I did no more than my duty. Tho*e who lock me up in a prifon may, for aught I know, do theirs : yet, though they are at liberty and I (hall be confined, I would, neither change duties nor hearts with them. (Go- ing. ) Sir G. Harkye! Harkye! Mr. Thompfon ! Will you juft delire this to be taken as it is di- rected ? \4fide to bint) Don't fay a word: 'tis a draft on my banker. Difcharge your debt ; and be filent You are very right, my lord : we can- not be too confiderate ; left, by miftaken bene- volence, we iliould encourage vice. Thom. Sir George! My lord ! Sir G. Why now will you not oblige me, Mr. Thompfon ? Pray let. that be delivered as it is di- rected. You furely will not deny me fuch a fa- vor For you know, my lord,. if we give Thom. Indeed, 1 Sir G. Will yon begone ? Will you begone ? {Vii/hes him kindly off, If we give without with- out Lord V. Poor fellow ! I fuppofe he is afraid of being t:.ken. SirG. Oh! Is that it ? If we give, I fay, with too Plhavv! I have loft the thread of my argument. Lord V. I muft own, this is a dubious cafe. Perhaps I ought to pay the money. ^Calls) Mr. Thompfon ! I don't think 1 ought to let him go to prifon. What fhall 1 do, Sir George? Sir G. Whatever your lord (hip thinks bed, I 2 Lord 68 HE'S MUCH TO BLaME: Lord V. But there is the difficulty ! Mr. Thorn pfon ! He is gone. How foolifh this is now! ( As he is going off ) Harry! Run after Mr. Thompfon, and call him back. One would think, a man going to prifon would like me be wife enough to doubt, and take time to confider of it. [Exit. SCENE X. k/^ Lady Vibrate, Lady V. I affure you, Sir George, I am very angry. I have been waiting an age, expecting you would come and give your opinion on my mafquerade drefs. Sir G. Why did not your ladyfhip put it on r Lady V. On, indeed? It has been on and off twenty times ! I have fent it to have fome altera- tion. Befide it is growing late: mafks will be calling in on you, in their way to the Opera-houfe, and you not at home to receive them ! SirG. 1 afk ten thoufand pardons, but you know I am the raoft thoughtlefs creature on earth. Lady V. So I would have you. Were you like the fober punctual Mr. Delaval, I fhould hate you. But then SCENE XI. Delaval returning from Lady Jane's apartment. Lady V. (AJide) Here the wretch comes ! Sir G. {AJide) So, fo ! now I fhall interrogate the lady. She has a very mafculine air ! {Delaval bows to Lady Vibrate) A tolerable bow that, for a woman ! Lady V. {AJide) He wifhes, I fuppofe, to fer- 4 monizc A COMEDY, 69 monize me : but I mall not give him" an oppor- tunity Are you coming, Sir George ? Del. (4/ide) Hal Sir G. I will follow your ladyfhip in a minute. Del. (JJide) I was right ! It is he ! Sir G. (djide) She eyes me very ferocioufly ! Lady V. I mail juft call in upon you: or, if not, we fhall meet afterward. I exped you to be very whimfical and fatiric upon all my friends ; fo pray put on your beft humour. Grave airs, you know, are my averfion. [Exit. S C E ( N E XII. Del. (AJide) That was intended for me. Now for my gentleman. Sir G. (Afide) She really has a very fierce look ! A kind of threatening phyfiognomy ; and would make no bad Grenadier. Del. T understand, your name is Sir George Verfatile ? Sir G. (Jftde) A bafs voice too ! At your fer- vice, fir ; or madam 5 I really cannot tell which. Del. Cannot 1 Sir G. No, I cannot upon my foul ! (Afide) A devilim black chin ! Del. 1 have an account to fettle with you, fir. Sir G. Have you? {Afide) What the plague can fhe mean ? Del. When can I find you at leifure, and alone ? Sir G. Alone? Del. Yes, fir; alone. Sir G. Muft this account then be privately fettled, madam ? Del. * 70 HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: Del. Madam 1 Sir G. I beg your pardon ! Sir, fince you pre- fer it. Del. If you know me, fir, your infolence is but a confirmation of the bafenefs of your character ! Sir G. I beg a million of pardons ! I really do not know you. Del. Then, fir, when you do, you will find caufe to be a little more ferious. Sir G. {Aftde) What a Joan of Arc it is I There is danger (lie fhould knock me down. Del. Be pleafed to name your time. Sir G. {/Ifide) Zounds ! She infifts upon a tete- a-tete ! I hope you will be kind enough to ex- cufe me, but I am juft now fo prefled for time that I have not a moment to fpare. Company is waiting. I muft begone to the mafquerade. You I prefume are for the fame place, and are ready drefied. I am your mod obedient Del. (Seizing him) Sir, I infift upon your naming an hour, to-morrow - 3 and an early one. Sir G. Why, what the plague ! Here muft be fome miftake ! Permit me to afk, do you know Dr. Gofterman ? Del. Yes, fir. Sir G. "Was you not juft now in danger of faint- ing ? Del. Faint? I faint ! Sir G. It would 1 think be a very extraordi- nary thing ! But fo he told me: with other parti- culars. Del. Abfurd ! Dr. Gofterman has not feen me for feveral months. Sir G. He faid, fir, you were a woman ; and perhaps, A COMEDY. 7 i perhaps, from that error, I may have unconfci- oully provoked you to behaviour which would elfe have been rather ftrange. Have I given you any other offence ? Del. Yes, fir; a mortal one. Sir G. Mortal ! Del. And mortal muft be the atonement. Sir G. If fo, the fooner the better. Let it be immediately. Del. No. I have ferious concerns to fettle. So have you ! 'Tis time you fhpuld think of things very different from mafquerading. Name your hour to-morrow morning ; then, take an enemy's advice, retire to your clofet, and make your will. Sir G. To whom am I indebted for this high menace, and this haughty warning ? Your name, fir ? Del. That you fhall know when next we meet : not before. Sir G. What age are you, fir ? Del. Age! Sir G. Such peremptory heroes are not ufually long lived. Del. Yon are right, fir ; my life is probably doomed to be fliort. But this is trifling. Name your hour. Sir G. At ten to-morrow morning. Del. The very time I could wilb. I will be with you at your own houfe, inform you who I am, and, then Sir G. So be it. [Exeunt. SCENE 72 HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: SCENE XIII. Changes to the houfe of Sir. George. A Juite of apart men ts richly decorated and numerous mcifks : fome dancing t others faffing and refajjing. Sir George and Lady Vibrate advance^ un- mafked. Lady V. What is the matter with you, Sir George ? You are fuddenly become as dull and almoft as intolerable as my lord himfelf. Sir G. t own, I had fomething on my fpirits. But it is gone. Your ladyfhip's vivacity is an an- tidote to fplenetic fits. Lady V. Oh, if you are fubjed to fits of the fpleen, I renounce yon. Sir G. No, no! Heigho! Ha, ha, Ha! Let me go merrily down the dance of life ! Lady V. Ay ! or I will not be your partner. Sir G. As for recollections, retrofpective anx- ieties, and painful thoughts, III hate them. They mail not trouble me. For if a man, you know, were to be fprung on a mine to-morrow, ha, ha, ha ! it were folly to let that trouble him to-day. Lady V. Sprung on a mine ? You talk wildly ! Sir (j. True. I am a wild unaccountable non defcript. I am any thing, every thing, and foon may be Lady V. What ? Sir G. Nothing. Strange events are poflible; and poffible events are ftrange. Lady V. Come, come, caft off this difagree- able humour ; and join the mafks. Sir G. With all my heart. A maik is an ex- cellent A C O M E D Y. 73 cellent utenfil ; and may be worn with a naked face. Lady V. (Retiring) Why don't you come ? You ufed to be all compliance. Sir G. So I fear I always (hall be. 'Tis my worft virtue. Call it. a vice, if you pleafe ; and perhaps it is even then my wori/L Lady V. I really do not comprehend you. Sir G. No wonder. Man is an incomprehen* fible animal ! But 'no matter for that. We will be merry dill fay I at leaft till to-morrow. Lady V. {Joins the mq/ks) Yonder is Lady Jane. SCENE XIV. Sir G. Nay then, I am on the wing ! Maria (Advancing) Whirher ? Sir G. Ah! Have I found you again? So much the better i I have been thinking of you this half hour. Mar. Ay ? That muft have been a prodigious effortl Sir G. What ? Mar. To think of one perfon for fo great a length of time. Sir G. True. Were you my bittereft enemy, you could not have uttered a more galling truth* I am glad I have met with you, however. Mar. So am I. 'Tis my errand here. Sir G. You now, I hope, will let me fee your face ? Mar. I might, perhaps, were it but poffible to fee your heart. Sir G. No, no : that cannot be. I have no heart. Mar. 1 am forry for it ! K SirG 74 HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: Sir G. So am I. But come, I wifh to be bet- ter acquainted with you. Mar. And I with you to be better acquainted with yourfelf. You know not half your own good qualities. Sik G. Ha, ha, ha ! My good qualities ? Heigho! Mar. Your fame is gone abroad ! Your gallan- try, your free humour, your frolics in England and Italy, your Apropos : I am told, Lady Jane is captivated by the ardour and delicacy of your paf- fion ! Is it true ? Sir G. Are you an inquifitor ? Mar. Are you afraid of inquifitors ? Sir G. Yes. Mar. I believe you. Sir G. You may. Keep me no longer in this fufpr nfe. Let me know who you are ? Mar. An old acquaintance. Sir G. Of mine ? Mar. Of one who was formerly your friend. Sir G. Whom do you mean ? Mar. You mult have been a man of uncom- mon worth ; for I have heard him beflow fuch praifes upon you that my heart has palpitated if your name was but mentioned ! Sir G. Oi whom are you talking ? Mar. Lord! that you mould be fo forgetful! That can only have happened fince you became a perfon of fafhion : for no man once remem- bered his friends better. It is true, they were then ufeful to you. Sir G. Sir, I Be warned ! Purfue this no far- ther. Mar. You little fufpefted at that time you were on the eve of being a wealthy baronet. Oh noi A C O M E D Y. ^ no ! And to fee how kind and grateful you were to thofe who loved you ! No one would have be- lieved you could fo foon have become a perfect man of the mode j and with fo polite and eafy an indifference fo entirely have forgotten all your old acquaintance ! I dare fay you fcarcely remember the late Colonel Delaval. Sir G. Sir! Mar. His daughter too has utterly flipped your memory ? Sir G. I infift on knowing who you are! Mar. How different it was when, your merit neglected, your fpirits deprefled, and your po- verty defpifed, you groaned under the oppreffion of an unjuft and felfim world ! How did your drooping fpirits revive by the foftering fmiles of the man who firft noticed you, took you to his houfe and heart, and adopted you as his fon ! Poor Maria! Silly girl, to love as (he did! Where is fhe ? Sir G. This is not to be endured ! Mar. What was her offence ? You became a baronet ! Ay ! True, that was her crime. Yet, when your fortunes were low, it was not imputed to you as guilt. Sir G. {AJide.) Damnation ! Mar. Are your new friends more afTeftionate than your old ? Fortune fmiles, and fo do they. Poor Maria! Has Lady Jane ever heard her name? Will you invite her to your wedding? {Her voice continually faltering.) Do. She mould have been your bride: then let her be your bride maid She is greatly altered She will be lefs beautiful now than her fair rival. Her birth is not quite fo high but if a heart a heart K 2 a heart *?6 HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: a heart (Struggling with her feelings Jinks into Sir George's arms^ and her majk falls off) Sir G. Heavens and earth! 'Tis (lie ! Help ! 'Tis Maria ! Who waits ? SCENE XV. Enter Lady Jane. Lady J. What is the matter ? Sir G." Help ! Help ! Salts ! Hartfhorn ! Water! Help! Lady J. Blefs me ! This lady again. Sir G. Is (he then known to you ? Lady J. No! Who is (lie? Sir G. Quick ! Quick ! Lady J. Nay but, tell me ? Sir G. I cannot ! Mull not ! Lady J. Muft not? Sir G. Dare not! She revives; and, to my confufion, will foon tell you herftlf. Maria ! Are you better, Maria ? Mar. I am very faint. Lady J. My carriage is at the door. Will you truft youi(elf to me? Mar. Oh yes. I am weak Very weak, and very foolilh ! But 1- (hall not long difturb your happinefs I hope (bon to be pall that. SikG. Part! Oh Maria! (have no utter- ance r-Lady Jane, you will prefently know of me what to know of" myfelf is Oh ! No matter. Not then for my fake but for pity, for the love of fuffering vinue, be careful of this lady ; whom when you know, as foon you muft, you will de- fpife and abhor the lunatic, the wretch, that could -r- Maria I I-* [Exit alrujtly, SCENE A. COME DY, 77 SCENE XVI. Enter Delaval. Del. What is the matter ? Any accident ? Was not that Sir George ? Good God ! My 'fitter ! Lady J. Your filler ! DiiL. How conies this? Why this drefs? And with thatapoftate ! that wretch 1 Speak, Maria ! Mar. f cannot. Lady J. Mr. Delaval, be more temperate. Your filler's ipirits and health ought not to be trifled with by your violence. I do not know, though I think I guefs, her ftory. I hope you have a brother's tendernefs for her ? Del. That ihall be Ihortly feen. A few hours will (hew how dear fhe is to my heart. Lady J. I fear you cheriih bad paffions : fuck as I never can love, and never will (hare. Del. Well, well, Lady Jane, that is not. to be argued now. I am a man, and fubjecl. to the miftakcs of man. There are feelings which can and feelings which cannot be fubdued. I mult run my cci.rfe, and take all coniequences. Mar. Oh God! In what will tr.ey end ? Lady J. No more of this, Mr. Delaval. Come with me : lead your filler to my carriage. She (hall be under my care. She can infpire thole fympathies which your too itubborn temper feems to defpife. Del Indetd, indeed, you wrong me ! [Exeunt, END OF ACT IV. ACT 78 HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: ACT V. SCENE I. Maria in her proper drefs y Lady Jane and Lucy, Footmen waiting. Break/ aft equipage on tjje table. Lady Jane. REMOVE thofe things. We have done. [Exeunt Footmen. Mar. What is it o'clock ? Lu. Juft (truck ten, ma'am. Lady J. Lady Vibrate is a fad rake ! She did not leave the mafquerade till five this morning. Mar. And Sir George not there ! Lady J. After the difcovery of lad night, could you fuppofe he would be feen revelling at luch a place? Mar. I dread another and more horrible caufe ! My brother ! Lady J. Mr. Delaval, you know, ilept in this houfe. Mar. But he has been out thefe two hours ! Lu. What then, ma'am ? Is not Mr. Williams on the watch ? You know, ma'am, you may truft Mr. Wiiyams with your life. Mar. If all were fafe, he would be back. Lady J. Pray calm your fpirits. Mar. Nay, nay, but Mr. Williams muft have been here before this, if fomething fatal had not happened ! Lu. I am fure, ma'am, you frighten me to death ! Lady J. [Afide) Her terrors are but too well founded ! Mar. (Footjleps without) What noife is that ? Lu. A COMEDY. 79 Lu. Blefs me ! Lady J. See who it is ! Lu. \ After ope ing the door) Law, ma'am! I declare it is Mr. Williams ! SCENE II. Enter Williams. Lu. Well, Mr. Williams ! Every thing is right : is not it ? All is as it fhould be ? Will. That is more than I know. Mar. Why then the vvorft is paft. Will. No, ma'am: I can't fay that, either. Lady J. Nay but, what news do you bring? Speak. Will. Why you know my matter laft night made enquiries how to find the chambers of Counfellor Demur: fo, when he went out this morning, I obferved your directions and followed him. He went to the Counfellor's, in Lincoln's Inn; and there I left him and hurried away to Sir George's, to enquire and hear all I could: though it was rather unlucky that I was not acquainted in the family. Lady J. Did not you make ufe of my name ? Will. Oh yes, my lady. Befule, fervants your ladylhip knows are not fo fufpicious as their maf- ters : they foon become friendly together : (b in five minutes Sir George's valet and I were on as intimate a footing as we could wifli. Mar. And wnat did he fay ? Tell me. Will. Why, ma'am, he laid that Sir George did not leave his own houfe laft night, after the. fainting of the young gentleman. Lu. That was you, you know, ma'am. Will. And, what is more, that he did not go to bed ; but walked up and down the room till daylight so HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: daylight in the morning; and then called I don't know how often to warn the fervants that he mould not be at home to any body whatever, except to aftrange gentleman. Mar. My brother! Will. Why yes, ma'am, according to the de- scription, it could be nobody elfe. Lady J. And at what hour was Mr. Delaval to be there ? Will. (Afide) Zooks! I forgot to afk That, that, my lady, I did not learn. So, this being all the fervants told me, I ran pod hafte to make my report to you. Mar. Tne word I foreboded 'will happen! Lady J. What can be done ? Will. Perhaps it will be beft for me to go back to Sir George's, wait for the arrival of my mafter, and, if he Ihould come, haften away as faft as I can to inform you of it. Lu. That is a good thought, Mr. Williams ! Is not it, madam ? A very good thought, indeed ! Don't you think it is, my lady ? Lady J. I know not what we can do better. Mar. Nay but, while Williams is bringing us the intelligence, every thing we mod dread may happen. Lu. Dear ! So it may ! Will. Suppofe then, madam, I fhould flay at mypoft; and difpatch Sir George's valet to you with the news ? Lu. Well, that is the beft thought of all ! I am fure you will own it is, madam. Mar. I know not what to think. Lady J. We muft refolve; or, while we are deliberating Mar. A COMEDt 81 Mar. Merciful God ! Run, Williams ! Fly! Save my brother ! Save Sir George ! Lady J. Succeed but in this, and command all we have to give. Will. I will do my beft. Lu. That I am fure he will. [Exeunt. SCENE III. Changes to the houfe of Sir George. Sir George walking in perturbation of mind. After feme time he locks at his watch. Sir G. He will foon be here Five minutes but five minutes and then (Walks again, throws himfelf on a fofa, takes up a book, tajfes it away and rifes) What is man's firft duty ? To be happy. Short lighted fool ! The happinefs of this hour is the mifery of the next ! (Again walks and locks at his watch) What is life ? A tillue of follies ! Inconfiftencies ! Joys, that make reafon weep, and forrows at which wildom fmiles. Pfhaw ! There is not between ape and oyfter fo ridiculous or fo wretched a creature as man. (Walks) Oh Maria ! (Again confulting his watch) I want but a few feconds. My watch perhaps is too faft (Rings) Enter Footman. Sir G. Has nobody yet been here ? Foot. No, fir. Sir G. 'Tis the time to a minute. (Lend knocks ing) Fly ! If it be the perfon 1 have defcribed, ad m i t h i m . [ Exit Footman* Sir G. Now let the thunder ftrikc ! SCENE I Z% HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: SCENE IV. Delaval introdueedi They falutei Sir G. Good morning, fir ! Del. You recoiled: me ? Sir G. Perfectly. Del. *Tis well. Sir G. I have been anxious for your coming. Your menace lives in my memory ; and I (hall be glad to knov^ the name of him who has threatened fuch mortal enmity. Del. A little patience will be neceflary. I muft preface my proceedings with a fliort (lory. Sir G. I fhall be all attention. Pleafe to be feated. Wave ceremony, and to the fubject (They fit) Now, fir. Del. About fix years ago, a certain youth came up from college j poor, and unprotected. He was a fcholar, pleafing in manner, warm and ge- nerous of temper, of a refpe&able family, and feemed to poffefs the germ of every virtue. Sir G, Well, fir. Del. Hear me on : my praifes will not be te- dious. Chance made him known to a man who defired to cherifh his good qualities ; and the purfe, the experience, and the power of his bene- factor, fuch as they' were, he profited by to the utmoft. Received as a fon, he foon became dear to the family : but moft dear to the daughter of his friend; whofe tender age and glowing affections made her apt to admire the virtues me heard her father fo ardently praife, and encourage. You are uneafy ? Sir G. Be pleafed to continue. Del. The affiduities of the youth to gain her heart A C O M E D Y. ?| heart were unabating ; and his pretentions, poor and unknown as he then was, were not rejected. The noble nature of his friend fcorned to make his poverty his crime. Why do you bite your lip ? Was it not generous ? Sir G. Sir ! Del. (Firmly) Was it not ? Sir G. Certainly ! Nothing could equal the * generofity. Del. The health of his benefactor was declining faft j and the only thing required of the youth was that he fhould qualify himfelf for the cares of life, by fome profeffion. He therefore entered a ftudent in the Temple j and the means were fur- niQied by his protector, till the end was obtained. Was not this friendfhip > Sir G. It was. Del. The lady, almoft a child when firft he knew her, increafed in grace and beauty fafter than in years. Sweetnefs and fmiles played upon her countenance. She was the delight of her friends, the admiration of the world, and the coveted of every eye. Lovers of fortune and fafhion con- tended for her hand : but (he had bellowed her heart had beftowed it on a Sit (till, fir; I fhail foon have done. lam coming to the point. Five years elapfed ; during which the youth re- ceived every kindnefs friendlhip could afford, and every proof chafte affection had to give. Thefe he returned with promifes and proteftations that feemed too vaft for his heart. I would fay for his tongue Are you unwell, fir ? Sir G. Go on witli your tale. Del. His benefactor, feeling the hand of death ftqal on, was anxious to fee the two perfons deareft La t0 5*; HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: to his heart happy before he expired ; and the marriage was determined on, the day fixed, and the friends of the family invited. The intended bridegroom appeared half frantic with his ap- proaching blifs. Now, fir, mark his proceeding. In this fhort interval, by fudden and unexpected deaths, he becomes the heir to a title and large cftate. Well ! Does he not fly to the arms of his languifhing friend ? Does he not pour his new treafures and his tranfports into the lap of love? Coward and monfter! / Sir G. (Both Jiariing up) Sir! Del. Viler than words can paint ! Having robbed a family of honor, a friend of peace, and an angel of every human folace, he fled, like a thief, and concealed himfelf from immediate con- tempt and vengeance in a foreign country. But contempt and vengeance have at length overtaken him : they t>efet him : they face him at this inftant. The friend he wronged is dead : but the fon of that friend lives, and I am he. Sir G. 'Tis as I thought ! Del. You arc< I will not defile my lips by telling you what you are. Sir G. I own that what I have done Del. Forbear to interrupt me, fir. You have nothing to plead, and much to hear. Firft fay, did my fitter, by any improper conduct, levity of behaviour, or fault or vice whatever, give you juti caufe to abandon her ? Sir G. None 1 None! Her purity is only ex- ceeded by her love. D< l. Then how, barbarian, how had you the heart 10 difgrace the family and endanger the life of a woman whufe fanciificd affection would have embraced A COMEDY. 85 Embraced you in poverty, peftilence, or death ; and who, had fhe poflefied empires, would have beftowed them with an imperial affe&ion ? Sir G. Sir, if you afk, Have I committed er- rors ? call them crimes if you will, Yes. If you demand, Will I juftify them ? No. If you re- quire me to atone for them, here is my heart : you have wrongs to revenge, ftrike ; and, if you can, inflicl: a pang greater than any it yet has known. Del. Juftice is not to be difarmed by being braved. To the queftion. It can be no part of your intention, and certainly not of mine, that you fhould marry my fifter. Something very dif- ferent mud be done. SirG. What? Name it ? Del. You mult give me an acknowledgment, written and figned by yourfelf, that you have bafely and mod dishonorably injured, infuhed and betrayed Maria Delaval : and this paper, imme- diately as I leave your houfe, I (hall publifh in every pofilble way ; till my fifter (hall be fo ap- peafed, and honor fo fatiated, that vengeance itfelf (hall cry, Hold! Sir G. Written by me! Publifhcd ! No. I will fign no fuch paper. Del. So I fuppofed ; and the alternative fol- lows. Here I am : nor will I quit you, go where you will, till you fhall confent to retire with me to fome place from which one of us muft never re- turn. Should I be the victor, flight, banilhment from my native country, and the bittereft recollec- tions of the villanies of man, muft he the fate of me and my lifter. If I fall, you then may tri- umph and me languifn and die unrevenged. This, or , v 86 HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: or the written acknowledgment. Confider, and chufe. Sir G. What can I anfwer ? The paper you ft all not have. My life you are welcome to : take it. Del. Have you not brought difgrace enough on my family ? Would you make me an affaffin ? My lifter and my father loved you. Let me, if pofTible, feel fome little return of refpect for you. Sir G. Having wronged the filler, would you have me murder the brother ? Already the mod guilty of men, would you make me the word of fiends ? Though an enemy, be a generous one. Del. Plaufible fophifl! The paper, fir: or, man to man and arm to arm, dole the fcene of my dilhonor, or your own. The written ac- knowledgment. Determine. (Walks away and views the pictures) Sir G. (Apart) Why, ay ! 'Tis come home ! I have fought it, delerved it, 'tis fallen, and the rock muft crufh the reptile! ^Then welcome ruin. The fword muft decide. (Goes to take his /word, but flops) The fword ? What ! Betray the fitter and aflaffinate the brother ? Oh God ! And fuch a brother ! Stern, but noble minded: in- dignant of injury, peerlefs in affection, and proud of a lifter whom the world might worfhip ; but whom I, worthlefs wretch, in levity and pride of hearr, have abandoned. (Aloud) Mr. Delaval ! Del. Have you relolved to fign ? Sir G. Hear me. Dll. The written acknowledgment! Sik G. My behaviour to your filter is what I cannot endure to name 'Tis hateful ! 'Tis-r in- famous ! A COMEDY. 87 famous ! My obligations to your mod excellent father, the refpect you have infpired me with, and my love for Maria Del. Infolent ! Infufferable meannefs ! The paper, Sir ! Sir G. Angry though you are, Mr. Delaval, you muft hear me. I fay, my love, my adora- tion of Maria has but increafed my guilt. It has made me dread her contempt. I durft not face the angel whom I had fo deeply injured. Del. Artifice! Evafion! Cowardice! Your fignature ! Sir G. (Snatching up his /word from the table) You (hall have it. Follow me. Del. Fear me not. Sir G. (Stopping Jhort) Hold, Mr. Delaval. Juftice is on your fide. If your firmnefs be not a favage fpirit of revenge, if you do not thirft for blood, you will feel my only refource will be to fall on your fword. I cannot lift my arm againfl: you. Del. Then fign the acknowledgment. Sir G. Can you in the fpirit even of an enemy afk it ? Do you not already defpife me enough ? Think for a moment : am I the only man that ever erred ? Is it fo wonderful that a giddy youth, whofe habitual failing was compliance, by fndden accident elevated to the pinnacle of fortune, fur- rounded by proud and felfifh relations of whofe approbation I was vain, is it fo ilrange that I fhould be overpowered by their dictates, and yield to their intreaties ? Your friendship or my death is now the only alternative. Suppofe the latter : will it honor you among men ? At the man of blood the heart of man revolts ! Will it endear you to. Maria r 88 HE'S MUCH TO BLAMEi Maria ? Kind forgiving angel, and hateful to myfelf as her affection makes me, I laft night found that affection ftill as ftrong. Hill as pure, as in the firft hour of our infant loves. Lady Jane Del. Forbear to name her ! "Pis profanation from your lips ! No more cafuiftry ! No fub- terfuge ! The paper ! Sir G. Can no motives Del. None! Sir G. My future life, my foul, fhall be de- voted to Maria. Del. The paper ! Sir G. Obdurate man ! (Reflefis a moment) You (hall have it. (Goes to the table to write, dur- ing which Del aval remains deep in thought and much agitated) Here, fir ! fince you will not be generous, let me bejuft. 'Tis proper I remove every taint of fufpicion from the deeply wronged Maria. Del. (Reads with a faltering voice) " I George <c Verfatile, once poor and dependent, fince vain * ; fickle and faithlefs, do under my hand acknow- " ledge I have perfidiously broken my pledged " promife to the mod deferving lovely and (Begins in ?nuch agitation to tear the "paper.) Sir G. Mr. Delaval ? Del. Damn it I can't I can't fpeak. Here ! Here ! (Striking his bofom.) SirG. Mr. Delaval? Del. My brother ! Sir G. {Falls on his neck) Can it be? My friend ! Del. This Stubborn temper always in ex- tremes! The tiger, or the child. Sir G, Oh no ! Twas not to be forgiven ! Beft of men ! Del. A COMEDY. Del. Well, well: we are friends. Sir G. Everlaftingly ! Brothers ! Del. Yes ; brothers. SCENE V. Enter Williams in great hajle. Will. Sir! Del. How now ? Will. I beg your pardon, but Lady Jane and your fitter are below. They infill on coming up, and the fervants are afraid to Sir G. Maria ! Let us fly ! [Exeunt. SCENE VI. The apartments of Lord Vibrate. Ladv Vibrate and the Doctor. Dr. Ya, my coot laly : dat vas efery vordt fo true as vat I fay. I vas difcober it vas a vomans ; und Sair Shorge, und my Laty Shane, und de vaiting vomans vas difcober to me all as vat I fay more. Lady V. Ay, ay ! That was the reafon Sir George was not at the mafquerade. Dr. Ya, my coot laty. Lady V. I obferved he was in a ftrange moody humour. Dr. My Lorclt Fiprate vas fery mom amaze- ment, ven I vas make him difcober all as vat I vas make difcober mit my coot laty. Lady V. Sir George has behaved very impro- perly. SCENE VII. Enter Lord Vibrate. Lord V. So, fo, fo I All I foreboded has come to pafs ! The day is flipped away, a new one is M here, go HE'S- MUCH TO BLAME: here, and every poflibility of recovering the eftate is gone ! Lady V. Ha, ha, ha ! Lord V. Do you laugh ? La y V. Ha, ha, ha ! I do, indeed ! Lord V. Is your daughter's lofs the fubjedt of your mirth ? Lady V. Ha, ha, ha! No, no ; not her lofs, but your pofitive determination to prove I did not know you ! Ha, ha, ha ! When I told you that even that motive would not be ftrong enough, how you ftormed ! " But it will, my lady ! But it won't, my lord ! I fay it will, my lady ! 1 fay it won't, my lord 1" Ha, ha, ha ! Will you believe that I know you now ? 1 Lord V. What (hall I do? Advifeme, Doctor. Pr. I vas adfice, my coot Lordt, dat you (hall do efery ting as vat you pleafe. Lady V. Ay, think : afk advice. Ha, ha, hat Now that you can do nothing, the enquiry will be very amufing. SCENE VIII. Enter Thompson. Lord V. Well, Thompfon, what fays Coun- fellor Demur ? Has the time abfolutely elapfed ? Thom, Abfolutely, my lord. Ladi V. How wifely your lordfhip doubts, before you decide ! Hay, Do6tor > Thom. 1 have good news, neverthelefs. Lord V. Good news ? Speak ! Of what kind ? Thom. The honefty of the oppotite party. Lord V. What, the holder of the land ? Thom. Yes, my lord. Lord V. Which way ? Explain ! Thom, A COMED Y. 9 Thom. He has engaged to Mr. Demur, I be- ing prefent, that, if your lordfhip will only (hew the legality of your late title, he will refign the eftate* Lord V. Is it poflible ? Lady V. It cannot be ! The laft purchafer is in India. Thom. The laft purchafer is dead ; and it has defcended to one whom you, my lord and lady, little fufpecl: to be its poffefTor. Lord V. Who ? Lady V. Who ? Thom. Mr. Delaval. Lady V. Mr. Delaval ! Lord V. Mr. Delaval refign it on exhibiting the legality of my title ? Thom. He will, my lord. Lord V. Did he make no conditions ? Thom. None. Lord V. What* did he not mention Lady Jane? Thom. Her name.did efcape his lips ; but rifing paflion, and, if I rightly read his heart, emo- tions of the moft delicate fenfibility immediately clofed them : as if he would not endure the love he bore her to be profaned by any the flighteft femblance of barter and fale. Lord V. What do you fay to that, Lady Vi- brate ? What do you fay to that ? Lady V. The proceeding is honorable, I own. Lord V, Did I not always tell you Mr. Delaval was a man of honor ? Lady V. You tell me, my lord? Why you were going to challenge him yefterday morning ! Lord V. He is no fuch weathercock as your favorite, Sir George. M a Lady V, yi HE'S MUCH TO BLAME: Lady V. You miftake : Sir George is no favo- rite of mine. Is he, Doctor ? Dr. Dat Vas all yuft as vat you fay, my coot laty. Lord V. What, he did not come to make a buffoon of himfelf, for your diverfion, at the maf- querade Iaft night ! Hay, Doctor ? Dr. Dat vas all yuft as vat you fay, my coot lordt. Lady V. His perfidious treatment of Mifs De- la val is unpardonable. Dr. Dat vas pad ! Fery pad, inteet I Lord V. Ay ay ! He has plenty of words, but he has no heart. Dr. Dat is pad I Fery pad inteet ! Thom. Pardon me, my lord : Sir George may have committed miftakes, but to the goodnefs of bis heart I am a witnefs. Lady V. You ? Lord V. How fo ? Thom. By h-is benevolence, I was yefterday re- lieved from the difgrace an^ the horrors of a prifon* Lord V. Indeed ! Lady V. Which way ? Thom. He paid a debt, which, had I been con- fined, I never could have difcharged ; and, for this unexpected act of humanity, he would not fuffer fo much as my thanks. Lord V. Did Sir George pay the two hundred and forty pounds, Mr. Thompfon ? Thom. The note, which he pretended to write and fend by me, was a draft on his banker for three hundred. Lord V. Why he confirmed all my arguments againft it ; and added twice as many of his own. Dr. SairShorge vas alvay make agreable. Dat vas his vay. Lady V. A COMEDY. 9$ > Lady V. I own, however, I am ftfll more f&r- prifed at the unexampled generality of Mr. De- laval. SCENE IX. Enter Williams. Lady V. Where is your matter, Mr. Williams ? Will. They are all coming, my lady. Lady V. Who is coming ? Will. Mr. Delaval, Lady Jane, Mifs Delaval, and Sir George. There has been fad work. ! But it is all over, and they are now fo happy ! Here they are ! SCENE the last. Enter Mr. Delaval lead' ing Lady Jane, and Sir George with Maria, followed by Lucy. Lord V. Mr. Delaval, I have great obligations to you. Thompfon has been telling me of your difintereftecl equity. Del. The obligation, my lord, was mine. Your lordmip well knows that the firft of obligations is to be juft. Lord V. Well, well ; but the eftate you are {o willing to refign will ftill, I hope, be yours. Del. Nay, my lord. Lord V. Dubious as all things are, that is a fub- ject on which I proteft I do not believe I (hall ever have any doubts. What fay you, Lady Jane ? (Irony) But now I bave my doubts again. Lady J. (Eagerly) What doubts, my lord ? Lord V. I doubt whether you understand me ? Lady J. Would your lordmip teach me to dif- fejnble ? Lord V. Um I doubt whether that would be much for your good. Del. $4. Hfc'S MUCH TO BXAME. Del* I hope Lady Vibrate will not dppofe dur union ? Lady V. No, Mr. Delaval. Your laft generous action has charmed me ; and Sir George Sir G. Has' declined in" your good opinion. But you cannot think fo ill of me as 1 do of my felf ; and, if ever again I mould recover my own felf refpect, I (hall be indebted for it to this belt of men, and to this moft incomparable and affection- ace of women ! Mar. My prefent joys are inexpreffible ! Del. Which my impetuous indignation threa- tened for ever to deftroy. (Comes forward) How dangerous are extremes ! Sometimes we doubtj and indecilion is our bane : at others, hurried away by the fudden impulfe of paffion, our courfe is marked with mifery. One man is too com- pliant : another too intractable. Yet happinefs is the aim of all. Since then all are fo liable to be milled, let gentle forbearance, indulgent thoughts, and a mild forgiving fpirit, be ever held as the facred duties of man to man. [Exeunt Omnes. . EPILOGUE. SPOKEN BY MR. GtUICK, AND MRS. MATTOCKS. (As Mr Pope concludes and is preparing to bow to the audience,, Mr Quick with Jome importance comes forward.) Mr. Q. HOLD, Mr. Pope! Pleafe to give place to me : 'Tis my part to conclude the comedy. Hem ! Hem ! {Begins a grave andjiatsly bow.) IMrs. M. (Eagerly advancing.) Yours, Mr. Quick ? I beg you'll hold your tongue ! All Epilogues of right to me belong. You teafe the audience, fir ; and put me out. Mr. Q. Teafe ? Humph! Permit me, madam, there to doubt. Mrs. M. Your part is over, now; your doubts are ended. Mr. Q. Would that they were ! (To the audience.) Say, friends, are you offended ? Or are you pleas'd ? Which way do you incline ? The author has his doubts ; and I have mine ; Pronounce our doom : relieve us from our pain! Mrs. M. (Laughs.) Look at thofe difmal features and refrain. Mr. Q. Should it be fatal, hear, oh he^r, our pleadings ! Grant an arreft of judgment : Itay proceedings : I move the court Mrs. M. You move? Stand back ! I'll wait no longer* I tell you once again I am th* Epilogue monger. (Surveys him and laughs) Mr. Q. What do you laugh at? Mrs. M. You ! There's reafon ample \ Mr. Q. (Retiring.) I beg, firs, you'll not follow her example. Mrs. M. 96 EPILOGUE. Mrs. M. The hypocrite ! Well, well, I'm glad he's gone ; For now the pleadings will be all my own. The author hopes I'll advocate his play. Heaven help the man ! What would he have me fay ? (Recolhfting.) Something about the anxious months he fpent, (Pompovjly.) His garret traverfing his brain intent On this, and that, and t'other ; a&ion, plot, Wit, humour, paflion; and tbe lord knows what ! And tell how difficult it was to write The charming npnfenfe you have heard to-night ! Poor fool j When he fuppos'd his work complete, He thought he had achiev'd a mighty feat! Nay be protefts that earth and heaven he'd move, Could he but pen what you might well approve. The man fpeaks fair j is tolerably civil : Then, iince an author's only a poor devil, Doom him to what will give us all delight : Make him repeat his follies every night. i i I THE END. . . THE LIBRAKY UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA JX)S A&G3LES PAMPHLET BINDER He's much to blame UC SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY A A 000 069 960 3