IgfcO 
 
 THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 GIFT OF 
 
 PROFESSOR 
 GEORGE R. STEWART 
 
T II E 
 
 PERFECT GENTLEMAN; 
 
 OR, 
 
 ETIQUETTE AND ELOQUENCE. 
 
 A BOOK OF INFORMATION- AND INSTRUCTION FOR THOSE WHO DESIRE TO 
 BECOME BRILLIANT OR CONSPICUOUS IX GENERAL SOCIETY, 
 
 OE AT 
 
 f attics, finite ts, #r f aplar (Satirmugs. 
 
 CONTAINING 
 
 MODEL SPEECHES FOR ALL OCCASIONS, 
 
 WITH DIRECTIONS HOW TO DELIVER THKW. 
 
 500 TOASTS AND SENTIMENTS FOR EVERYBODY, 
 
 AND THF.IU PSOPKR MOliB OP INTRODUCTION. 
 
 HOW TO USE WINE AT TABLE, WITH RULES FOR JUDGING TITE QUALITY 
 OF WINE, AND RULES FOR CARVING. ETIQUETTE ; OR, PROPER BE- 
 HAVIOR IN COMPANY, WITH AN AMERICAN CODE OF POL1 PENESS 
 FOR EVEKY OCCASION; AND ETIQUETTE AT WASHINGTON. 
 REMARKABLE WIT AND CONVERSATION AT TABLE, 
 ETC., ETC., 
 
 TO WHICH ARE ADDED, THE 
 
 DUTIES OF CHAIRMEN OF PUBLIC MEETINGS, 
 
 A.NI) BUTJ3B FOR THE OKDEKLY CONDUCT THEREOF, TOGETHER WITH VALUAHLH 
 HINTS AND KXA.MPLKS FOR DRAWING UP I'KKAilBLKS AND RESOLUTIONS. 
 
 BY A GENTLEMAN. 
 
 *OLD O N I. T BY B TT B 8 E I P T I O X. 
 
 NEW YORK: 
 
 DICK & FITZGERALD, PUBLISHERS, 
 
 No. 18 ANN STREET. 
 
ing to Act of Congress, in the year 1860, b? 
 DICK & FITZGERA ,D, 
 
 Ui tn-> CierK b ^,^ of tbe ni.trict Court of the United States, for tn St;uiburn 
 D ! ftrict of Xcw York. 
 
a tk w 
 
 THE MAN WHO IS POLITE WITHOUT AFFECTAT10SJ 
 
 PROUD WITHOUT VANITY ' 
 DIGNIFIED WITHOUT OSTENTATION 
 
 AFFABLE TO ALL, SERVILE TO XOXE ; 
 
 WHO NEVER DECEIVED HIS FRIEND, NOR TURNED HIS BACK TO HiB FOE J 
 TKIS VOLUME IS RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED BY 
 
 THE AUTHOR 
 
OP all that portion of tins work which is devoted 
 to the speeches, it is not the author's purpose to say 
 anything, in the way either of explanation or apology. 
 Let the speeches speak for themselves. 
 
 It is not claimed that all the toasts are original. 
 Many of them are taken from such eminent sources 
 whether American or European as the author had at 
 his hand ; and, whenever the phraseology suited, lie 
 adopted it without change. 
 
 Of the " American Code of Politeness " there is some- 
 what more to be said. It was not expected that much 
 which is new could be written on this subject. The 
 only aim has been to present the general rules of 
 politeness and etiquette in such a manner as to render 
 them plain and instructive, and to point out some of 
 the absurd and conflicting rules of the fashionable 
 code which have come into our country from different 
 parts of Europe. 
 
 The author has had the. opportunity of seeing that 
 there are wide differences between some particular 
 rules of etiquette as practised in America, and Eng- 
 land, and on the continent of Europe. Some things 
 that are orthodox etiquette in London, are gross her- 
 esy in Paris and all over the continent of Europe. A 
 man who should conduct himself on the continent in 
 all particulars according to the rules of etiquette prac- 
 tised in England, would soon find himself stared at by 
 well-bred people, if not banished from polite society. 
 
6 PREFACE. 
 
 The author has witnessed some amusing, not to say 
 ridiculous incidents in fashionable society in America, 
 arising out of the fact that one party practised tho 
 Parisian code, while another persistently adhered to 
 the English fashion, and so a social collision, if not an 
 explosion, was inevitable. 
 
 Let a person go into company who has read only 
 the English books on etiquette, which are quite nu- 
 merously republished in this country, and meet with 
 another who happens to have read only the French, 
 or continental rules, and they will soon be found 
 bumping heads with each other. A notable instance 
 of this occurred in the city of New York within the 
 present year, in which a lady and gentleman of con- 
 siderable eminence got into an unspeaking feud with 
 each other. They had for some months enjoyed what 
 might be called a literary and musical acquaintance, 
 when they one day met in Mr. Hall's music store, and 
 the gentleman, after the English fashion, waited for 
 the lady to recognize him ; and the lady, after the 
 French fashion, waited for the gentleman to recognize 
 her ; and so neither could recognize the other. They 
 had both decidedly cut each other without intending 
 it without knowing what they had done. And so 
 afterwards they always passed each other like enemies 
 in the streets, until one day the lady had an opportu- 
 nity of asking for an explanation of the insult which 
 she believed had been offered her. The gentleman 
 denied that he had been the offending party, but on 
 the other hand declared that she had refused to recog- 
 nize him. " I waited, 77 said he, " a long time to see if 
 
PREFACE. / 
 
 you really meant to cut me." " But," replied the lady, 
 "it was for you to recognize me first." 
 
 And then followed a debate on the great question 
 of the etiquette involved in the important affair, in 
 which each, confident of being in the right, refused to 
 give way ; and the gentleman actually believed him- 
 self master of the field, until he was assured by the 
 author that there was an overwhelming majority of 
 the fashionable world against him. 
 
 The lady above referred to is an accomplished trans- 
 lator of French works, and was undoubtedly well 
 informed in all the rules of etiquette as practised on 
 the continent of Europe. The gentleman was equally 
 aufait in the English rules. But, with sorrow be it 
 said, neither was quite up to the generous and hearty 
 spirit of politeness dictated by the common sense and 
 simplicity of republican manners. 
 
 Although fashionable society in America is made 
 up, to some extent, of people who have come from 
 every part of the Old World, each bringing his own 
 peculiar fashions, yet there is gradually growing up 
 an individuality of our own, which happily begins to 
 display itself in social and fashionable, as well as in 
 political independence. 
 
 The spirit of politeness, like that of morality and 
 religion, must be the same all over the world ; but 
 the artificial rules of etiquette are necessarily modified 
 and varied by local institutions. 
 
 The stiff and stately pomp of fashion, as it comes out 
 of the atmosphere of monarchical courts, and thcnco 
 descends upon the plains of common life in those coun- 
 tries, brings with it much that is unnatural and gro- 
 
8 PREFACE. 
 
 tesquc, in contrast v/ith the simplicity of republican 
 institutions. 
 
 Notwithstanding all the books on etiquette in uso 
 in this country are either translations from the French, 
 or republications of English books, there is, in many 
 instances, a modification of the artificial rules of po- 
 liteness they contain, in the manners of the best soci- 
 ety in America. In a word, it is not too much to say 
 that we are beginning to have an American code, in 
 better harmony with the practical and enlightened 
 common sense of democratic institutions than much 
 that has been dictated by the pompous impudence of 
 aristocratic exclusiveness. 
 
 The anecdotes at the end of the volume have been 
 selected for the two-fold purpose of affording amuse- 
 ment and instruction at the convivial board. 
 
 Indeed, the author's aim, in every part of the book, 
 has been to make a useful companion of the dining- 
 room, the parlor, and of every other place where 
 ladies and gentlemen may be properly ambitious to 
 appear with satisfaction and honor to themselves, and 
 pleasure to others. 
 
 The author professes that modesty alone causes him 
 to withhold his name from the title-page. lie is 
 av r are that such a remarkable degree of modesty in an 
 author will be considered improbable, if not impos- 
 sible, by the general public. But he consoles himself 
 with the idea that, even if it shall be believed that the 
 virtue is only an affectation on his part, he has at 
 least set a good example, and one which is very much 
 needed, for the benefit of authors at the present time. 
 
. 
 
 
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 PAGB 
 
 ARIOSTO, ..... 151 
 
 AMENDMENTS, . . . . . 319 
 
 ADJOURNMENTS, ...... 322 
 
 ACTOR, SPEECH OF AX, ..... 66 
 
 AMERICAN'S TOAST TO THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND, . . 77 
 
 AUTHOR, SPEECH OF AN, .... 129 
 
 ACTOR'S TOAST, ...... 146 
 
 AMATORY TOASTS, ..... 148 
 
 ARTISTIC TOASTS, . . . . . .150 
 
 AMERICAN WINES, ..... 196 
 
 ART OF DRINKING WINE, . . . . .198 
 
 AMERICAN CODE OF POLITENESS, .... 200 
 
 ANECDOTES, . 37, 38, 47, 5'J, 57, 69, 76, 81, 89, 90, 0,, J03, 131 
 AMERICAN VALOR, ...... 136 
 
 ALFIERI, ....... 152 
 
 BIBLIOGRAPHER, SPEECH OF A, . . . . . 115 
 
 BAKER'S TOAST, . . . . . .145 
 
 BLACKSMITH'S TOAST, . , 146 
 
 BANKER'S TOAST, . . . . . .146 
 
 BOOK-KEEPER'S TOAST, ..... 147 
 
 BURGUNDY, ...... 193 
 
 BALLS, IN WASHINGTON, .... 252 
 
 BOCCACCIO, ...... 150 
 
 CERVANTES, ....... 151 
 
 COOK, SPEECH OF A, . . . . .91 
 
 CAPITALIST, SPEECH OF A . . . . .111 
 
 CHAIRMAN, SELECTING A, . . . . . 301 
 
 CHARACTER OF A Ci UF.MAN, ...... 303 
 
 CARPENTER'S TOAST, . . , . .146 
 
 CARD-MAKER'S TOAST, . . . . 147 
 
 (9) 
 
10 CONTESTS. 
 
 PAGE 
 
 OOAL MS.-CCHAXT'S TOAST, ..... 147 
 
 COACH-MAKER'S TOAST, . . . . .147 
 
 CARVING. ....... 178 
 
 CHAMPAGNE, . . . . e . .190 
 
 CLARET \VINE, . . . . . .193 
 
 CATHARINE L-E MEDICIS, . . . . .16 
 
 CHAUCER, . . . . . . .150 
 
 CAMCENS, ....... 152 
 
 CARVING BIRDS, . . . . . .179 
 
 HAM, 179 
 
 " SIRLOIN OF BKKF, . . . .179 
 
 " ROUND OF BEEF, ..... 179 
 " FILLET OF VEAL, . . . . .179 
 
 " LEG OF MUTTON, . . . . .180 
 
 " FORE QUARTER OF LAMB, . . . 180 
 
 " HAUNCH OF MUTTON, . . . .180 
 
 " SADDLE OF MUTTON, . . . .180 
 
 " ROAST PIG, 180 
 
 " FOWL, ...... 181 
 
 " GOOSE, 181 
 
 " TURKEY, ...... 181 
 
 DINNERS, ON GIVING, . . . . . .35 
 
 DRINKING, ON HONEST, . . . . .46 
 
 DUEL, SPEECH OF A MAN WHO WOULD NOT KIGHT ONE, . . 80 
 
 DISTILLER'S TOAST, ..... 14.7 
 
 DINNERS, INVITATIONS TO, . . . . .167 
 
 DEFINITION OF POLITENESS, . . . .200 
 
 DRESS, . . . . . . .230 
 
 DRESS AT WASHINGTON, ..... 242 
 
 DINNERS AT WASHINGTON, ..... 249 
 
 DEPORTMENT IN THE STREET, .... 250 
 
 DINNER-TABLE ELOQUENCE, . . . . .23 
 
 DANTE, ....... 150 
 
 DEMOSTHENES, ....... 152 
 
 DUTIES OF A CHAIRMAN, . . . . .312 
 
CONTENTS. 11 
 
 PAGE 
 
 DEBATES, . . . . . . .328 
 
 EDITOR, SPEECH OF AN, . . 107 
 
 ENGLISH BENEVOLENCE, SPEECH ON, .... 120 
 
 EVERY MAN'S TOAST, ..... 147 
 
 ETIQUETTE OF THE DINNER-TABLE, .... 167 
 
 EVENING PARTIES, ...... 232 
 
 ETIQUETTE AT WASHINGTON, ..... 242 
 
 EVENING PARTIES AT WASHINGTON, . . . 247 
 
 FIREMAN, SPEECH OF A, . . . . .62 
 
 FIREMAN'S TOAST, ...... 14G 
 
 GEOGRAPHICAL SPEECH, . . . . .34 
 
 GREAT NAMES, SPEECH ON, . . 123 
 
 GLAZIER'S TOAST, ...... 145 
 
 GERMAN WINES, . . . . . .194 
 
 GENERAL RULES OF POLITENESS, . . . .201 
 
 HOTEL, SPEECH AT THE OPENING OF, ... 20 
 
 HOW TO CALL ON THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, . 253 
 How TO NEGATIVE A MOTION, .... 320 
 
 How TO VISIT OFFICIAL PERSONS IN WASHINGTON, . . 253 
 
 HANDEL, ....... 151 
 
 HERODOTUS, . . . . . . .152 
 
 HOGARTH, ....... 152 
 
 INTERRUPTION IN D EH ATE, ..... 334 
 
 IMPUDENT MAN, SPEECH OF AN, . . . 101 
 
 INVITATIONS TO DINNER, ..... 203 
 
 INTRODUCTIONS, ...... 227 
 
 JOHNSON, DR., . . . . . .15 
 
 JUDGE, SPEECH OF A, . . . . .51 
 
 JESTER, SPEECH OF A, . . . . . . 100 
 
 LASSES, LOVER'S SPEECH ON THE, .... 41 
 
 LAWYER, SPEECH OF A, . . . . .53 
 
 LOVER, SPEECH OF AN OLD, .... 72 
 
 LOUD LAUGHER, SPEECH OF A, . , , . .75 
 
 LACONIC MAN, SPEECH OF A, . 90 
 
12 CONTEXTS. 
 
 FAGS 
 
 LITERARY GENTLLMAN, SPHECH OF A, . . . 109 
 
 LITERARY TOASTS, . . . . .150 
 
 LOPEZ DE VEGA, . . . . . .151 
 
 MILLER'S WIFE, THE, . . . . .39 
 
 MODEST WOMEN, . . . . . .40 
 
 MUSICIAN, SPEECH OF A, . . . .88 
 
 MERCHANT, SPEECH OF A, . . . .94 
 
 MAN OF HONOR, SPEECH OF A, . . .93 
 
 MARRIAGE, SPEECH AT A, . . . . .103 
 
 MISCELLANEOUS TOASTS, ..... 153 
 
 MASONIC TOASTS, ...... 159 
 
 MANNERS AT TABLE, . . . . .168 
 
 MARRIAGE, ....... 228 
 
 MOZART, ....... 151 
 
 MONTAIGNE, ....... 151 
 
 NAVAL AND MILITARY TOASTS, . . . .140 
 
 NIAGARA FALLS, ...... 137 
 
 ON GIVING DINNERS, . . . . .172 
 
 ON CARVING, . . . . . . .178 
 
 ON INTRODUCTIONS, . . . . .227 
 
 ON DRESS, . . . . . . .230 
 
 ON EVENING PARTIES, ..... 232 
 
 ON MARRIAGE, ...... 228 
 
 OPINION OF LORD BYRON ox EATIKO, . . . 27 
 
 ORIGINAL MOTIONS, . . . . . .317 
 
 ON MOTIONS, 316 
 
 OUR LAKES AND RIVEHS, . , . . .137 
 
 POET, SPEECH OF A, . . . . .48 
 
 PUNSTER, SPEECH OF A, . . t .55 
 
 PRIZE-FlGHTING, SPEECH ON, . . . .64 
 
 POOR MAN, SPEECH OF A, . . . . .75 
 
 PATRIOT, SPEECH OF A, . . . .81 
 
 POLITE MAN, SPEECH OF A, . . . .89 
 
 PUBLISHER, SPEECH or A, . . . . 105 
 
CONTENTS. 13 
 
 rAGB 
 
 PATRIOTIC TOASTS, ...... 134 
 
 PRINTER'S TOAST, ... , , 146 
 
 PLUMBER'S TOAST, ...... 146 
 
 PAINTER'S TOAST, ...... 147 
 
 PORT WINE, . . . . . . .189 
 
 POLITENESS, ...... 200 
 
 POLITICAL DINNERS IN THK UNITED STATES, . . .17 
 
 PETRARCH, . . . . . .150 
 
 PLUTARCH, ....... 151 
 
 PHIDIAS, ....... 152 
 
 PLAUTUS, ..... . 152 
 
 PREVIOUS QUESTION, ..... 321 
 
 QUESTIONS OF ORDER, ..... 334 
 
 RIDDLE INSTEAD OF A SPEECH, .... 33 
 
 RED-HEADED MAN, SPEECH OF A, . . . .70 
 
 ROAD-MAKER'S TOAST, . . . . 147 
 
 RULES FOR PRESIDING AT TABLE, . . , .19 
 
 ROGER BACON, ...... 150 
 
 ROBERT HERRICK, ...... 151 
 
 RABELAIS, . . . . . . .151 
 
 RAPHAEL, ....... 151 
 
 ROBERT FULTON, ...... 153 
 
 REMOVING A CHAIRMAN, ..... 333 
 
 RAISING OBJECTIONS, ..... 313 
 
 RIGHT OF REPLY, ...... 326 
 
 SPEECH OF THE CHAIRMAN, .... 315 
 
 SPEECH OF A MAN WHO DOES NOT MAKE SPEECHES, . . 32 
 
 SOBER MAN, SPEECH OF A, . . . . 37 
 
 STRONG-MINDED WOMEN, . . . . .38 
 
 SAM SLICK'S SPEECH ON THE CLERGY, ... 43 
 
 SONG INSTEAD OF A SPEECH, . . . . .59 
 
 SAILOR, SPEECH OF A, . . . .GO 
 
 SHOEMAKER, SPEECH OF A, . . . .87 
 
 SCANDAL, SPEECH ON, . . . . . 93 
 
 SCLDIER, SPEECH OF A, . . . . .96 
 
14 CONTENTS. 
 
 PAGB 
 
 SURGEON'S Tc AST, ...... 145 
 
 SADDLER'S TOAST, ...... 147 
 
 SHERRY WINE, . . . . . .195 
 
 SIR WALTER SCOTT'S RULES FOR PRESIDING AT TABLE, . 21 
 
 SIR JOSHUA REYNOLDS' OPINION OF WINE AT TABLE, . 30 
 
 SIDNEY SMITH, . . . . . .36 
 
 SCOLDING WIFE, ...... 39 
 
 SIR HUMPHRY DAVY, . ..... 150 
 
 TAILOR, SPEECH or A, . . . . Gl 
 
 TALLOW-CHANDLER, SPEECH OF A, . . .80 
 
 TOAST-MASTER'S COMPANION, .... 133 
 
 TOASTS FOR ALL PROFESSIONS, ..... 145 
 
 TINKER'S TOAST, . ..... 146 
 
 TALKING IN COMPANY, . . . . . .224 
 
 TABLE WIT, ...... 255 
 
 TITIAN, . . . . . . .156 
 
 TIIESPIS, ....... 152 
 
 THE WELL-BRED MAN, . . . . .168 
 
 TREATMENT OF SERVANTS, ..... 171 
 
 TAKING THE CHAIR, . . . . .312 
 
 UNDERTAKER, SPEECH OF AN, . . . .85 
 
 UNITED STATES AND CENTRAL AMERICA, . . . 126 
 
 VANDYCK, . . . . . . .151 
 
 VOTING ON ORIGINAL MOTIONS AND AMENDMENTS, . 326, 330 
 
 WINE MERCHANT, SPEECH OF A, . . . 29 
 
 WAG, SPEECH OF A, . . . .57 
 
 WINE-BIBBER, SPEECH OF A, . . . .58 
 
 WEDDING OF MR. GRAVE, . . . . G3 
 
 WINE AT TABLE, ...... 182 
 
 WINE, How TO KNOW G-OOD, ..... 188 
 
 WINE, ART OF DRINKING, . . . 198 
 
 WITS AND WINE, . . . . . .29 
 
 WATCHWORD OF AMERICA, ..... 139 
 
 WILLIAM CAXTON, . , . . . .151 
 
THE 
 
 PERFECT GENTLEMAN; 
 
 OR, 
 
 ETIQUETTE AND ELOQUENCE, 
 
 THE SUBJECT. 
 
 If a literary gentleman, and a scholar, needed any 
 excuse for writing a book on the eloquence and eti- 
 quette of the dinner-table, beyond that one which is 
 readily appreciated by all authors the price it brings 
 him he would find it in the fact that great men, in 
 all ages, have given their countenance to this subject. 
 The subject has been amply canvassed by such men as 
 Dr. Johnson, Voltaire, Sir Humphry Davy, Lord Ba- 
 con, Jeremy Bentham, Lord Byron, and an innumer- 
 able list of philosophers, wits, and poets of all nations. 
 
 Sidney Smith says : " An excellent and well ar- 
 ranged dinner is a most pleasing occurrence, and a 
 great triumph of civilized life. It is not only the 
 descending morsel and the enveloping sauce, but the 
 rank, wealth, wit, and beauty which surround the 
 meats ; the learned management of light and heat ; 
 the silent and rapid services of attendants ; the smil- 
 ing and sedulous host, proffering gusts and relishes ; 
 the exotic bottles ; the embossed plate ; the pleasant 
 remarks ; the handsome dresses ; the cunning artifices 
 of fruit and farina! The hour of dinner, in short, in- 
 
 (15) 
 
16 THE MODEL SPEECH MAKER. 
 
 eludes everything of sensual and intellectual gratifica- 
 tion, which a great nation glories in producing.' 7 
 
 The accomplished Scargil wittily writes : " There is 
 an attraction of affinity effected Vy cookery: they 
 who dine much together generally assimilate much in 
 opinion. It is not an easy matter to dine frequently 
 with a man, especially if he have a good cook, without 
 coining into some or most of his ways of thinking. 
 How observable is the unanimity produced by a public 
 dinner. It seems an established fact a generally 
 recognized opinion that the people may be dined 
 into anything. They are dined into liberty j they are 
 dined into loyalty ; they are dined into charity ; they 
 are dined into piety ; they are dined into liberality ; 
 they are dined into orthodoxy ; they are dined into 
 heresy." 
 
 So well is this great gastronomic pacificator under- 
 stood by statesmen and politicians, that nearly all 
 matters of state and diplomacy are discussed and set- 
 tled at the dinner-table. The empress Catharine de 
 Medicis, who was called " the mother and the wife of 
 kings," used to descend to the kitchen to superintend 
 the dinners prepared for those whom she would con- 
 trol, and dipped in rich sauces the hand which held the 
 reins of government, and which Roussard compared 
 to the rosy fingers of Aurora. This great empress 
 declared that " the highest thing to be said in praise 
 of woman is, that she can cook a good dinner." It 
 was over the conciliating odors of a rich dinner, 
 superintended by her own hand, that she drew the 
 Duke of Alba into the fearful plan of the massacre of 
 
THE SUBJECT. 17 
 
 St. Bartholomew. With such a tremendous fricandeau 
 before our eyes, we surely cannot underrate the power 
 of the dinner -table. 
 
 When Henry of Yalois, the son of the famous em- 
 press Catharine cle Mcdicis, ascended the throne, he 
 followed in the culinary footsteps of his mother, and 
 it was at the beginning of his reign we have to date 
 the invention of the Fricandeau, which some authors 
 have, without good reason, accredited to the Swiss. 
 Henry of Valois was the Columbus of the new world 
 of sauces a world which has had more admirers, and 
 played a far more important part in the history of 
 diplomacy, than this other saucy new world discovered 
 by Columbus the Spaniard. 
 
 From that date the dinner- table has been the com- 
 mon ground where kings, ministers of state, presi- 
 dents, governors, diplomats, and all the descending 
 scales of politicians, have met to scheme, plot, and set- 
 tle terms of peace, and whatever else the intricacy of 
 diplomacy may contain. 
 
 The dinner-table is one of the political institutions 
 of the United States. Nothing is settled until it has 
 been dined over by the leaders of parties. And as a 
 very considerable number of our politicians spring 
 from the ranks of the uneducated and the uncultivated, 
 much that is grotesque, and that is even offensive to 
 refined society, is apt to make its appearance on these 
 occasions. A coarse and clownish man is quite as 
 great a nuisance at the dinner-table with gentlemen, as 
 a pig would be in a lady's drawing-room. Nearly all 
 of the exquisite relish of the table depends upon the 
 
18 THE MODEL SPEECIi->UKEil. 
 
 observance of those delicate rules of etiquette and 
 politeness which give to civilization its immense social 
 advantages over savage life. A man who can appear 
 well at the table will always be judged a gentleman 
 by well-bred people. On the other hand, the man who 
 appears ill there, has the mark of vulgarity indelibly 
 impressed upon him. 
 
 The presence of one clown at the dinner- table would 
 spoil the comfort of every well-bred guest. And, for 
 this reason, those who are at all careful of the customs 
 of good society, rigidly abstain from inviting such 
 persons to meet parties at their tables. Where ladies 
 are invited this rule is never, under any circumstances 
 deviated from. But, where no ladies are to be present, 
 and the dinner is given exclusively to gentlemen, for 
 political purposes, it is customary, in this country, to 
 invite a mixed crowd of guests, without any reference 
 whatever to their social equality ; and no 'geptleinari, 
 at such a time, can object to sit rt table by the side of 
 a fellow who shovels the victuals into his mojuth with 
 the knife, or blows his nose in the napkin, or squirts a 
 stream of tobacco juice over his uhouldcr at the fire- 
 place. There is a necessity for this wide deviation 
 from the ordinary laws of social respectability : the 
 unrefined man is invited because ho hac influence with 
 a class of men whose votes are nought for by the 
 gentleman, or by the party, for who3e political inter- 
 ests the dinner is given. On such occasions it wouM 
 be a groat impoliteness for any gentleman in any waj 
 to notice the vulgarities of this man. He has not 
 pushed himself into the company, but he has been 
 
BL'y.KS FOR PRESIDING AT TABLE. 11) 
 
 invited there because lie is a man of influence with his 
 class ; and being thus invited, he is entitled to the same 
 attention and respect from all the other guests as 
 though he had enjoyed equal advantages of education 
 and refinement with them. 
 
 RULES FOR PKESIDUra AT TABLE. 
 
 A great deal of the pleasure at table depends upon 
 the person who is called upon to preside. 
 
 If the dinner is given by a society, or a committee, or 
 by an institution, the president or chairman will of 
 course preside : and when a gentleman gives a dinner, 
 for political or any other purposes, he will take the 
 chair himself. 
 
 At dinners given by individuals to the public press, 
 or on any occasion where there is no, one upon whom 
 the duties of presiding already devolve, it is custom- 
 ary for the party giving the dinner to invite some 
 gentleman to take the chair (the head of the table) ; or 
 in case he does not do that, the guests themselves 
 indicate one of their number for that post. 
 
 The chairman remains standing until all the other 
 guests are seated, and when he takes his seat it is 
 a signal that the party is ready to be waited upon, and 
 the feast opens. 
 
 The chairman is waited upon last, and as the dinner 
 progresses he will carefully, but very quietly, see that 
 none of the guests arc neglected by the waiters. 
 
i$U HIE MODEL Srr.ECH-MAKKR. 
 
 If the chairman has occasion to give any direction 
 to the waiter, he does not speak to him loud enough to 
 be heard by the rest at table, but calls him quietly 
 to his side, and gives his instructions in an undertone. 
 
 It is when the toasting and speaking commence that 
 the chairman's most important duties begin. Ilia 
 office is that of a moderator. He will call the table 
 to order at the reading of each toast, and will see that 
 proper silence is preserved while responses are being 
 made. 
 
 Though wine is a mighty quickener of men's tongues, 
 the well-bred man will neither talk aloud nor whisper 
 while another guest is making a speech. The chair- 
 man will see that none break this rule. 
 
 The experienced chairman will allow plenty of 
 time between the toasting and speaking, for the guests 
 to chat, and laugh, and joke together. However 
 vigilant he is in pushing round the bottle, he takes 
 care that the speeches do not come too fast, nor occupy 
 too much of the'tirne. 
 
 A gentleman wishing to propose a sentiment may 
 either repeat it himself or hand it to the chairman to 
 be read. If he repeats it himself, he will say, " Mr. 
 chairman, have I your permission to offer a toast?" 
 The chair will give his consent, and say, " Gentlemen 
 will please to come to order, and listen to a sentiment 
 from Mr. ." 
 
 It is the duty of the chair to take notice that each 
 gentleman is helped to the wine that he prefers, and 
 that the bottle docs not forget him in its rounds. 
 
 '-Then any gentleman is called upon to respon' 1 to a 
 
RULkS FOR PRESIDING AT TABLE. 21 
 
 toast, the chairman will use his endeavors to get a 
 speech from the party thus complimented. But if it 
 shall be evident to the chair that the gentleman is 
 suffering under a, real embarrassment, in being thus 
 called upon, he will relieve him from his dilemma by 
 some ingenious turn that will lot the victim of from a 
 speech, and that, too, if possible, without mortifying 
 Ids vanity. No case could occur where an adroit 
 chairman would not be able to do this. 
 
 Sir Walter Scott has left the following rules of 
 presidency a t the table : 
 
 " 1st, Always hurry the bottle round for five or six 
 rounds, without prosing yourself, or permitting others 
 to prose. A slight filip of wine inclines people to be 
 pleased, and removes the nervousness which prevents 
 men from speaking ; disposes them, in short, to be 
 amusing, and to be amused. 
 
 " 2nd, Push on, keep moving ! as young Rapid says. 
 Do not think of sayiDg line things ; nobody cares for 
 them, any more than for fine music, which is often too 
 liberally bestowed on such occasions. Speak at all 
 ventures, and attempt the mot pour rirc. You will find 
 people satisfied with wonderfully indifferent jokes, if 
 you can but hit the taste of the company, which 
 depends much on its character. Even a very high par- 
 ty, primed with all fashionable folks, may be stormed 
 by a jovial, rough, round, and ready president. Choose 
 your text with discretion ; the sermon may be as you 
 like. Should a drunkard or an ass break in with any- 
 thing out of joint, if you can parry with a jest, good 
 and well ; if not, do not exert your serious authority, 
 
22 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 unless it is something very bad. The authority even 
 of a chairman ought to be very cautiously exercised. 
 With patience you will have the support of every one. 
 
 " 3ni, When you have drunk a few glasses, to play 
 the good fellow and banish modesty (if you are unlucky 
 enough to have such a troublesome companion), then 
 beware of the cup too much. Nothing is so ridiculous 
 as a drunken president. 
 
 " Lastly, Always speak short, and skeocli dock na slid 
 cut a tale with a drink." 
 
 SPEECHES AT THE DINNER-TABLE. 
 
 To speak really well at the convivial table requires 
 considerable and varied talent, reading, and obser- 
 vation. To shine on such occasions, it is necessary 
 that one should possess wit, a command of language, 
 and a good degree of taste and judgment. Unless a 
 man is armed with some of these gifts, at least, it will 
 be a hazardous thing for him to undertake a regular 
 speech at the dinjier-table. 
 
 If, however, a man is called up at table, he must say 
 something, if it is no more than to apologize for not 
 responding in a speech. And even this little matter 
 may be done so gracefully and good-naturedly that he 
 will sit. down amid the applause of the whole table. 
 If he feels himself totally unable to make any kind of 
 a speech, lie may resort to pome such little trick as 
 Baying, that Ms friends knew very well when they 
 
SPEECHES AT THE DINNER-TABLE. 23 
 
 called him up, that he had conscientious scruples 
 against speech-making at any time, and especially at 
 such a dinner as this, where there is so much [rood 
 victuals and wine to be enjoyed. He would, therefore, 
 content himself with thanking the gentlemen for their 
 kindness, and leave them to the uninterrupted enjoy- 
 ment of the good wine spread before them, until some 
 gentleman shall be called up who will make a speech 
 worthy of the great treat to which they have been 
 invited. Ary good-natured turn like this is infinitely 
 better than a dull speech at table. Besides, it is not 
 expected, nor desired, that every person who is called 
 up at table should make a speech. It is customary to 
 extend the compliment to all, bat it is not expected that 
 those will inflict a speech who are incapable of making 
 one. But every one ought to be able to return his 
 thanks to gentlemen gracefully, or perhaps to tell sonio 
 appropriate story to set the table in a roar. 
 
 The eloquence of the dinner table should always be 
 of a quiet tone of voice, with a pleased and friendly 
 countenance, and very little, if any kind of action or 
 gesture, should be indulged in. Loud and boisterous 
 declamation at such times would be both out of place 
 arid ridiculous. 
 
 Good jokes and merriment are always in order at 
 dinner, but the mirth and hilarity must be tempered 
 with good sense and a delicate observance of pro- 
 priety. All strained attempts at facetiousness by one 
 who has not a natural talent for it, are sure to end in 
 making him ridiculous. Therefore, let no man ven- 
 ture upon gay sallies at dinner unless they so press 
 
'21: THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER 
 
 forward to his lips as to escape almost hi si)ite of him. 
 One gains far more credit by slip wing that he duly 
 appreciates the wit of others, and genially laughing in 
 the right places, than he can by vain attempts of his 
 own. Dr. Johnson says, we take no more pleasure in 
 peeing a man btrive to be witty and fail, than we 
 should in seeing him attempt to jump over a ditch and 
 fall iii to it. 
 
 It is often the case that those who converse well at 
 table still make the worst of speeches at the convivial 
 meeting. What a pity that a man who is good 
 in conversation should destroy his influence by bad 
 speeches ! When one who is called up at table finds 
 himself confused and unable to give utterance to his 
 ideas, as is often the case with the inexperienced, the 
 only thing for him to do is to stop at once, and resume 
 his seat before he makes himself ridiculous. The fol- 
 lowing specimen of an after-dinner speech is not worse 
 than is quite often heard at the merry table : " This I 
 may, gentlemen that is, perhaps, I may be allowed to 
 observe to remark, rather as remarkably expressive 
 of my feelings on this occa on the present occasion 
 that is, gentlemen that I consider this I am sure I 
 need not say and I say it without hesitation that 
 this is the proudest moment of as I was about to soy, 
 my life (pause). For as the fabled bird of poetry, the 
 phoenix of our immortal bard, derives new vitality 
 from the ashes of, if I may be allowed the expression, 
 an expired, an extinct existence, so docs the calm seren- 
 ity of age emanate from thu transitory turbulence of 
 youth (pause). And, gentlemen gentlemen, I need 
 
SPEECHES AT THE DINNER-TABLE. 25 
 
 not add need not add, as it were, in a manner pro- 
 vided, on the present occasion, as I was about to say, 
 that language is inadequate, inadequate to express, to 
 utter the sublimity of my emotions." Many a man of 
 pretty good sense may make as incoherent and ridic- 
 ulous a speech as this under the nervous excitement 
 produced by being unexpectedly called up at table. 
 
 We have often seen distinguished statesmen make 
 sorry enough failures at the dinner-table, by attempt- 
 ing those graceful sallies of levity which are not in 
 their vein. On this account, great men are often great 
 bores at table. When Dr. Johnson was asked why 
 he was not invited out to dine as often as Garrick was, 
 he answered, with characteristic ill-nature, " Because 
 great lords and ladies don't like to have their mouths 
 stopped." Well, who do like to have their mouths 
 stopped ? The man who is in the habit of stopping 
 people's mouths ought never to be invited to dinner, 
 where good nature, amiability, and a moderate degree 
 of self-satisfaction are desirable in all. 
 
 Avoid by all means occupying more than your share 
 of the time in talking. A quiet deportment and an 
 unembarrassed modesty, are at all times indicative of 
 the well-bred man. Very loud talking is especially 
 unbecoming at table it will impress gentlemen that 
 TOU arf more familiar with the manners of the bar- 
 room than with the habits of polite society. Whisper- 
 ing at such times is quite as great a breach of etiquette. 
 
 Long speeches are almost always a bore a man 
 must be invariably facetious who can with impunity 
 Bpin out a speech of moro than ten minutes' length at 
 2 
 
26 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 dinner. A few amiable words of thanks to the gentle- 
 men who have called him up, a pleasant allusion to 
 the host, or to the occasion in honor of which the din- 
 ner is given, and, if he is equal to it, some good- 
 natured and telling hit at somebody, or something, is 
 all that should be attempted. To " set the table in a 
 roar," and not to set it gaping, should be the object of 
 the convivial orator. 
 
 Always before you go to a dinner where speaking 
 and toasting is likely to be the order of the day, be 
 careful to arm yourself with at least one good toast and 
 some anecdote suitable to the occasion. With a good 
 toast and an anecdote at your tongue's end, you can 
 hardly fail to make a respectable response to what- 
 ever call may be made upon you. 
 
 SPEECH AT THE OPENING OF AN EATING SALOON 
 OR HOTEL. 
 
 Some people, who are very ambitious to shine at 
 table, are in the habit of carefully preparing a little 
 Ipeech, and then writing a toast to call it out, which 
 they hand to a friend, with the request that he will 
 offer it, at a proper time, and call upon them to re- 
 spond to it. At a splendid feast which was given to the 
 press on the opening of Taylor's grand saloon on the 
 corner of Broadway and Franklin streets, a gentleman 
 said to another as he entered, " You will be invited to 
 take the chair here is a toast which I want you to 
 
SPEECH AT AN OPENING. 27 
 
 read when we have got a little warmed with wine, 
 and call on me to respond." In due time the follow- 
 ing toast was read : " To all good eating and good eaters 
 as on the present occasion, where the latter exist may 
 
 the former never be wanting" And M was asked 
 
 to respond, which he did nearly as follows : " Mr. 
 Chairman, as that toast is one to which any well man 
 might heartily respond, I shall not consider that any 
 especial reference to my eating ability was intended by 
 my being called up to respond. I acknowledge a fair 
 appreciation of good eating, and I am always happy 
 to associate with good livers especially at meal times 
 (laughter and applause), and my experience has led 
 me to adopt the idea of Lord Byron, who said that ho 
 ' had generally found good livers to be amiable gen- 
 tlemen and good friends/ The Duke of York pro- 
 nounced the Almanack for Gourmands the most de- 
 lightful book ever issued from the press, and I must say 
 that I have rarely known a great man, a man of vigor- 
 ous brain and well-sustained mental powers, who was 
 a despiser of good living. The ancients were not so 
 much to be laughed at, who considered the stomach the 
 seat of our noblest faculties and affections. Old Per- 
 sius called it * the dispenser of genius/ and the He- 
 brews regarded it as the head-quarters of intellect, 
 while the Hindoos, to this day, hold it to be the seat of 
 all the delightful affections ; and, if we wanted further 
 proof, we have it in the delight and enthusiasm with 
 which the learned guests at this table are addressing 
 themselves to this intensely active fountain of their 
 genius (laughter and applause). Eating, gentlemen, 
 
28 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 is a great spur to industry, and a mighty pusher of 
 commerce. Could we live without eating, all the 
 world would be idle, and the ships, which now fly be- 
 fore the winds on every sea, would fold their wings 
 and drift listless and empty along the desolate shores. 
 It is eating which rears such magnificent palaces as 
 this, which gives employment to so many millions of 
 men and women all over the world, in coining brick 
 out of the earth, hewing stone from the quarry, gather- 
 ing timber from the forest, constructing these superb 
 decorations of art, and finally, in meting out the 
 delicate fruits and luxuries which will be served within 
 these walls to the thousands who will come here to 
 forget care, and to refresh themselves with renewed 
 joy and vigor to meet the shock of their daily toils. 
 One man, who rears a temple of luxury like this, does 
 more for mankind than the whole tribe of vegetarian, 
 anti-eating, lean-stomached and leaner-brained reform- 
 ers, who have dragged their sluggish beings across the 
 earth since time began (great applause). So, sir, 
 allow me to vary your toast by wishing that the shad- 
 ows of good eaters may never be less, and may bad eaters 
 have no shadows at aM." 
 
 This speech was delivered in a careless, half- waggish 
 style, which well suited the temper of a party of intel- 
 ligent men who had just partaken of an extraordinarily 
 fine dinner, and were sufficiently warmed with generous 
 wine to render them appreciative of anything which 
 could be said in praise of good living. 
 
SPEECH OP A WINE-MERCHANT. 29 
 
 SPEECH OF AN OLD BACHELOR. 
 
 An old batchelor, who was toasted at a party of 
 n.crry friends, by way of twitting him of his obstinate 
 celibacy, replied, that he was not so far gone as to have 
 any word to utter in praise of his condition, especially 
 in the presence of so many gentlemen who luxuriate in 
 the sweets of matrimony . He should attempt no eulogy 
 of his misfortune, but must defend himself from any 
 suspicion that he was indifferent to the charms and 
 excellencies of the fair sex. He remembered a cele- 
 brated wit, who, when he was asked why he did not 
 marry a young lady to whom he was attached, replied, 
 " I know not, except the great regard we have for 
 eacli other." 
 
 Any happy turn like this is always in good taste, 
 and is sure to put the table in excellent temper. It 
 turned the banter upon the married guests without the 
 bad taste of railing against marriage. 
 
 SPEECH OF A WINE-MERCHANT. 
 
 At the opening of a feast the following toast was 
 offered : " At this table, as ever, may wine be the whetstone 
 of toil ;" and a celebrated wine-merchant, who was 
 present, was called up to respond. He stated that in 
 the presence of such excellent livers, and before so 
 many gentlemen of taste and wit, good wine needed 
 no eulogy. Great wits were always appreciators of 
 
30 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 good wine. Goldsmith called it " the philosopher 
 which drives away care, and makes us forget whatever 
 is disagreeable." Sir Joshua Reynolds maintained 
 that wine " improved conversation and benevolence." 
 "I am," said he, " in very good spirits when I get up 
 in the morning ; by dinner-time I am exhausted ; wine 
 puts me in the same state as when I got up, and I am 
 sure that wine makes people talk better." The famous 
 solicitor Spotiswoode once declared at a public din- 
 ner-party, that " wine makes a man better pleased with 
 himself." Dr. Johnson replied, <l and to make a man 
 better pleased with himself, let me tell you, is doing a 
 very great thing." Sir William Forbes wittily remark- 
 ed, that " a man warmed with wine was like a bottle of 
 beer, which is made brisker by being set before the 
 fire." Burke was a lover of generous wine, and when 
 Dr. Johnson, who was always trying to disagree with 
 everybody, gave the following scale of liquors, " claret 
 for boys port for men brandy for heroes " Burke 
 replied, " Let me have claret, then : I love to be a 
 boy ; to have the careless 'gay ety of boyish days again." 
 Wine has. in all ages of the world, been a classic bond 
 of good-fellowship between heroes, philosophers, and 
 great men. Sir Joshua Reynolds declared, that " At 
 first the taste of wine was disagreeable to me ; but I 
 brought myself to drink it that I might be like other 
 people. The pleasure of drinking Tine is so con- 
 nected with pleasing your company, that altogether 
 there is something of social goodness m it." But the 
 highest thing to be said in praise of wine and one 
 which I know this party will appreciate is, that it 
 
SPEECH OP A WINE-MERCHANT. 31 
 
 has immemorially been associated with the beauty of 
 women. " Woman and wine " are twin words which 
 go hand-in-hand together, and everywhere warm the 
 coldest hearts with the glow of feeling and gush of 
 hope that form the sweetest ingredients in the cup of 
 life. Byron's famous toast 
 
 " Give us wine and women mirth and laughter, 
 Sermons and soda-water the day after " 
 
 will never want for admirers. What poet has not cele- 
 brated the pleasures of wine ? But for wine much of 
 the sweetest poetry of the world were unsung. The 
 sweet songs of Anacreon, of Harfcz, of Burns, of 
 Moore, and a glorious list of bards too numerous to 
 mention, were all unsung but for the charms and in- 
 spirations of wine. Gentlemen, I have ventured to 
 dwell so long upon this subject because I supposed 
 that to praise wine in your presence was like enter- 
 taining a lover with a eulogy on the charms of his 
 mistress. And in taking my seat, allow me to give 
 you a sentiment which I beg you will not consider as 
 professional " May we never be out of spirits" 
 
 There are several good points in the above speech : 
 the opinion of celebrated men on the use of wine is 
 classical and interesting ; the language is easy and 
 natural ; there is no straining after effect, or vain 
 reaching after wit and humor ; and yet there is con- 
 siderable pleasant and genuine humor in it, which 
 could not fail to put the company in a pleased and 
 satisfied frame of mind. 
 
32 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 A SILENT MAN'S SPEECH. 
 
 On another occasion, a talking man had made a 
 dashing, flowery speech, in extravagant praise of the 
 host, the dinner, and everything at the table, and 
 finally sat down, by calling upon a gentleman, in a 
 bantering way, who was known for his extreme 
 silence, to get up and say something in praise of such 
 an excellent feast. The person thus rallied rose very 
 slowly, and with a quiet and good-natured leer replied 
 that, for his part, he believed all that the eloquent 
 gentlemen who had just taken his seat had said ; a 
 fact which reminded him of an old Athenian, who was 
 deficient in eloquence, but whose bravery was never 
 doubted, and when one of his competitors, in a long 
 and flowery speech, made great professions of what 
 he would do, arose and said, " Men of Athens ! all 
 that he has promised, /will do." The silent gentle- 
 man took his seat amid a general roar and laughter 
 of applause. 
 
 SPEECH OF A MAN WHO DOES NOT MAKE SPEECHES. 
 
 We were once at a dinner-table in Philadelphia, 
 when the business of speech-making and story-telling 
 was pushed, almost with annoying haste, and where one 
 gentleman, more silent than the rest, was continually 
 bantered and pushed up to say something. At length 
 the host laughingly declared, that he should either 
 make a speech, or tell a story, or leave the table. The 
 
A RIDDLE INSTEAD OF A SPEECH. o3 
 
 gentleman rose and replied, that he had found the 
 host's wine too good to lose time in talking, but as 
 he had been commanded so emphatically to speak, he 
 did not feel at liberty to refuse any longer, especially 
 as the object of so much speaking might be to save 
 wine, for men can't drink while talking. He remem- 
 bered a story of the wife of the great Dr. Bentham, 
 who asked a person that applied for the place of foot- 
 man in her family, if he could whistle. " Why is that 
 necessary ?" said the man. " Because," said the lady, 
 " I expect my footman to whistle all the time he is in 
 the cellar, to be certain he is not drinking the wine." 
 " Now," added the gentleman, " as I am not a speech- 
 maker, I will whistle my portion of the time, in order 
 to make the rest of you sure of your portion of the 
 wine." &Lf 4 . A L 
 
 I need not say that this set the table in a roar, and 
 was " the speech of the evening." 
 
 A RIDDLE INSTEAD OF A SPEECH. 
 
 I once knew a man to make himself agreeable at 
 table by telling a riddle ; which shows that, if a man 
 cannot make a speech, nor tell a story, nor sing a 
 song, he at least may go armed with some such little 
 thing as a pleasant riddle, which will enable him to 
 contribute his share to the general fund of the enter- 
 tainment. The gentleman, though a fine scholar, was 
 so little gifted in speech that he could not even tell a 
 
 9.* 
 
34 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 ntory respectably, and when rallied upon his silence, 
 and asked if such fine wine did not inspire him either 
 to talk or sing about it, he replied, that he neither sung 
 nor made speeches, but he could tell them an Italian 
 riddle about wine, which was, " Per mancamento $ acqua 
 bevo del acqua; se io havesse acqua beverei el vino 77 
 " For want of water I am forced to drink water ; if I 
 had water, I would drink wine." After every gentle- 
 man at the table had tried in vain to solve the riddle, 
 the explanation was given. It was the speech of an 
 Italian vineyard-man, after a long drought and an 
 extremely hot summer, that had parched up all his 
 grapes, and thus a want of water had forced him to 
 drink water, by destroying his wine crop. 
 
 A GEOGRAPHICAL SPEECH. 
 
 At a dinner-party lately given to several learned 
 gentlemen in New York, the conversation became 
 heavy with a prolonged discussion on the comparative 
 merits of different geographical works, when a face- 
 tious guest put a stop to the tedious discussion, by say- 
 ing, " Now, gentlemen, I protest against all this ; I 
 am a geographical disciple of a jocular member of a 
 literary club which existed in London at the period of 
 our Revolutionary war, who contended that it ' is 
 now become ridiculous to adhere to the old divisions 
 of the globe. The name of Europe reminds us of the 
 indelicate story of Europa and the bull Jupiter ; Asia 
 
SPEECH ON DLSNEBS. 35 
 
 of luxurious nabobs ; Africa' of the guinea coast, at a 
 time when, alas ! guineas are as scarce as Roman 
 coins ; America of those unnatural children who are 
 fighting with their mother/ ;: 
 
 It need not be said that this ingenious turn put a 
 stop to the dull geographical controversy. 
 
 SPEECH ON GIVING- AND EATING DINNERS. 
 
 At a feast where the following toast was offered, " To 
 aU who give good dinners, and to all who are invited to 
 them" the gentleman called upon to respond remark- 
 ed, that this sentiment was a very comprehensive one, 
 embracing the two great divisions of polite society ; 
 in one or the other of which the greatest names of 
 history might be classified. For instance, at the head 
 of the list of eminent dinner-givers we may arrange 
 such a name as that of Lord Chancellor Erskine, who, 
 \vliile sitting upon the bench, used to amuse himself in 
 sketching turtles upon cards, with a certain day and 
 hour written upon the margin, which he was in the 
 habit of passing to his friends in court, as dinner in- 
 vitations. And then, at the top of the list of celebrated 
 diners-out, is the great Doctor Johnson, of whose dis- 
 courses, sayings, and repartees at table, Mr. Boswell 
 "has made a big book. No doubt if all the learned, 
 wise, sharp, pungent, and witty speeches and sayings 
 which have been made at table were collected into' 
 books, they would form a library, which for wisdom 
 
36 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 and number of volumes, would outrival the famous 
 Alexandrian. At table men forget their formal phi- 
 losophies and stilted opinions, and come down to the 
 simplicity of nature itself; and there is, therefore, 
 good reason for the custom practised by all polite 
 nations, of settling nearly all affairs of public or 
 private interest by calling the parties most concern- 
 ed together for a free and friendly intercourse at 
 dinner. Rev. Sidney Smith, when dining with a party 
 of literary gentlemen, compared Mr. Canning, who 
 was then in office, to a fly in amber. " Nobody," said 
 he, " cares about the fly ; the only question is, How 
 the devil did it get there ? Nor do I attack him for 
 the love of glory, but for the love of utility, as a burgo- 
 master hunts rats in a Dutch dyke, for fear it should 
 flood a province. When he is jocular he is strong ; 
 when he is serious he is like Samson in a wig. Call 
 him a legislator, a reasoner, and the conductor of the 
 aifairs of a great nation, and it seems to me as absurd 
 as if a butterfly were to teach bees to make honey. 
 That he is an extraordinary writer of small poetry, 
 and a diner-out of the highest lustre, I do most readily 
 admit. After George Selwyn, and perhaps Tickell, 
 there has been no such man for this last half century." 
 Nowhere but at dinner could so free, and racy, and 
 unstudied, and witty a criticism have fallen from the 
 lips of even Sidney Smith. Therefore, gentlemen, in 
 an intellectual, social, and critical point of view, you 
 do well to toast those who give and eat good dinners. 
 
SPEECH OF A SOBER MAN. b/ 
 
 SPEECH OF A SOBER MAN AT A DRINKING-PARTY. 
 
 I was, a few years ago, dining with some merry fel- 
 lows, mostly military men, in the city of Baltimore, 
 who were quite uproarious with deep drinking and loud 
 laughter ; all but one gentleman, who was of a less 
 excitable temperament than the rest, and who to a late 
 hour remained comparatively sober. Of course all 
 pitched at him. One called on him for a speech. An- 
 other said, " No, he is not drunk enough to make a good 
 speech ; but he shall tell an anecdote ; ' ; and so " Anec- 
 dote ! " " Anecdote ! " rung from a dozen voices. 
 " Well," said the quiet gentleman, " your complaint of 
 my want of merriment reminds me of an anecdote of 
 the famous General Gustavus Adolphus, who impetu- 
 ously overran the greatest part of Germany, and sur- 
 mounted every obstacle opposed to his arms. When 
 he was besieging Ingolstadt, his horse was killed under 
 him by a cannon ball. His chancellor entreated him 
 not to risk his life so often. Gustavus replied with 
 warmth, " You are always too cold ; and you stop my 
 progress." " True, sire," said the chancellor, " I con- 
 fess I am colcl ; but if I did not sometimes throw a 
 little of my ice into your fire, you would be burnt to 
 ashes." " Now, gentlemen," said he, laughing, " what 
 would become of this party if I did not keep sober ? 
 The way you go on storming this army of bottles, your 
 legs will soon be under your bodies, very much in the 
 condition of General Adolphus' horse under its rider, 
 at the battle of Ingolstadt, and then I shall be here 
 like the chancellor to support the fallen heroes." 
 
88 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 SPEECH ON METAPHYSICS. 
 
 At a dinner-party in Boston, where two or three 
 men of learning monopolized the whole time in talking 
 metaphysics, one of them at length banteringly asked 
 a young gentleman who had just graduated, if he could 
 favor the company with a metaphysical speech ; where- 
 upon the rest began thumping the table and calling 
 " speech ! " " speech ! " The graduate got slowly up, 
 and said that he felt honored in being called upon to 
 make a speech on metaphysics, especially in the pres- 
 ence of so many learned metaphysicians as he saw 
 before him. He had listened attentively to their 
 learned and interesting conversation, which had re- 
 minded him of a Scotch blacksmith's definition of 
 metaphysics, which was as follows : " Twa fouk dis- 
 putin' thagither ; he that's listenin' disna ken what he 
 that's speakin' means ; and he that's speakin' disna ken 
 what he means himself ; that's metaphysics." 
 
 This palpable hit produced an uproarious laugh, and 
 the student had the tact to sit down in the midst of it, 
 for nothing that he could add would increase the repu- 
 tation which he had in a single minute gained as a wit 
 and a man of sense. 
 
 SPEECH ON STRONG-MINDED WOMEN. 
 
 At a late anniversary dinner of one of the New York 
 societies, the following volunteer toast was offered : 
 
SPEECH ON STRONG-MINDED WOMEN. 30 
 
 " Strong-minded women may their sliadoius ever le 
 less." 
 
 The gentleman who volunteered to respond, said 
 there was a remarkable propriety in the language of 
 the latter clause of this toast, as the strong-minded 
 women are undoubtedly a shadoio, instead of a warm 
 and cheerful fire-light, upon the domestic hearth. They 
 are indeed sliadoivs, and not sun-beams, in the path of 
 life, and on the threshold of home. In their coarse 
 and clamorous demand to be allowed to mix in elec- 
 tions, how unlike the virtuous and exemplary Madame 
 de Longueville, who, when she was advised to appear at 
 Court in order to set the courtiers an example, replied, 
 " I cannot set a better example than to stay at home, 
 and not go to Court at all." For women past their 
 prime, for old termigants, or those of a cracked rep- 
 utation, women Vrights meetings are natural places 
 enough ; but, for a fair and virtuous young girl to be 
 seen there, is as ungraceful a sight as it would be to 
 see a bunch of June roses growing in the midst of the 
 geese and pigs of a barn-yard. I remember a song 
 which used to b.e sung when I was a boy, and it was 
 an old song then, called the " Miller's Wife," which was 
 a faithful portrait of our modern convention scolds : 
 
 THE MILLER'S WIFE. 
 
 " The miller leads a noisy life 
 
 E'en at the very best ; 
 But should he have a scolding wife, 
 
 He's sure to have no rest : 
 Her tongue, unlike the mill, 
 
 Does never motion lack, 
 
dO THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 For that is sometimes still, 
 But she goes always clack, 
 
 Click, clack ! 
 
 Click, clack! 
 
 Good lack! 
 
 G-oodlack! 
 
 No rest her tongue e'er finding, 
 'Tis always, always grinding; 
 
 Clipper, clapper, 
 
 Glitter, clatter, 
 
 Tor all the world like my mill hopper, 
 And the devil himself can't stop her." 
 
 SPEECH ON MODEST WOMEK 
 
 When the following toast was proposed, " Our wives 
 and sweethearts may the love which ivas won by their 
 beauty be kept fresh and perennial by the modesty that 
 adorns their lives" a gentleman remarked that this 
 sentiment, like the toasts given to presidents and kings, 
 should be drunk standing and in silence. Modesty is a 
 jewel beyond price, and beyond the power of descrip- 
 tion. In men, it is the shadow of a noble mind ; in 
 women, it is the light of a pure soul. St. Bernard 
 happily styles it, " the jewel of manners, the sister of 
 chastity, the guardian of reputation, the portion of all 
 goodness." Diogenes, the cynic philosopher, called 
 the blush of modesty, " the color of virtue." Rov,e 
 
 "From every blush that kindles in thy cheeks, 
 Ten thousand little loves and graces spring 
 To revel in the roses." 
 
41 
 
 Allow me, gentlemen, to vary the language of the 
 toast, so that it shall read, " May the modesty of our 
 wives and sweethearts never fail to keep the footprints 
 of our affections from being discovered beyond the sacred 
 domain of home" 
 
 SAMUEL LOVER'S SPEECH ON THE " LASSES." 
 
 I had the pleasure to be present at the grand cen- 
 tenial festival which was given in Glasgow, and which 
 occasion was also celebrated all over the civilized 
 world, in honor of Scotland's immortal poet, Robert 
 Burns. Towards the close of the magnificent feast, 
 Samuel Lover, the Irish song-writer and singer, who 
 now resides on a small estate near Glasgow, came 
 forward and said : "At a very short notice I am called 
 upon to propose a toast ; but it is one that no man 
 could probably be asked to propose without feeling 
 that a great compliment and a great privilege had 
 been granted to him. That toast is * The Lassos.' 
 (Cheers.) Ladies and gentlemen, it seems a sort of 
 practical pun that the lasses should be proposed by 
 a Lover. (Laughter.) But I hope the ladies that 
 are here will believe that an Irish lover is never 
 deficient in paying his homage to what has well been 
 called the most beautiful half of the human rare. 
 (Cheers.) Ladies, in your smile exists the poet's in- 
 spiration, and in your smile exists the poet's reward. 
 There never was a poet yet that didn't worship womeu 
 
12 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 - (hear, hear) and preeminently the bard, whose 
 name we have met this day to honor, worshipped ' the 
 lasses, I' (Loud applause.) But the greatest poet 
 in the world, whatever may be his power and the 
 power of making love was very great in Robert 
 Burns can never make love by himself. He must have 
 a lady to help him (laughter) ; and, I must say, that 
 from all my experience, very good helps they are. 
 (Renewed laughter.) Shakespeare has comprised under 
 one head the lunatic, the lover, fftid the poet ; and 
 when I first became a lover, I felt convinced that 
 Shakespeare was right in saying that a lover- was a 
 lunatic (laughter) for I was perfectly mad. (Much 
 laughter.) But that took place a long time ago about 
 half a century but I began very young. (Roars of 
 laughter.) And, Mr. Chairman, ladies and gentleman 
 for I wish to call as many witnesses as I can to this 
 fact I found madness so delightful that I think I 
 never have been right in my senses since (great 
 laughter) but if ever I have had a lucid interval, it 
 has only been to sigh for Bedlam again, and call upon 
 Cupid for my keeper. (Cheers.) A very interesting 
 document has been placed in my hand to read to you 
 to-night. It is an additional verse to ' Green grow 
 the rashes, O/ composed by Robert Burns, the son of 
 the great Robert Burns. The lines were presented by 
 Mr. Alexander Maclagan, author of " Poems and 
 Songs," to be repeated. In reading it, I shall give as 
 much attention as I can to your Scottish dialect, and 
 if I make mistakes, pray forgive a stranger." Mr. 
 Lover then read the following verse, which was re- 
 
BAM SLICK'S SPEECH. 43 
 
 ceived with applause ; the talented reader's manner in. 
 setting off the Scotch words creating considerable 
 amusement : 
 
 " Frae man's ain side God made his wark, 
 
 That a' the lave surpasses, ; 
 The man but lo'es his ain heart's bluid 
 Wha dearly lo'es the lasses, 1" 
 
 Mr. Lover concluded by saying, " After this, of 
 course, it woi Id be trespassing on you to say one word 
 more than to give the toast, and I hope that my fair 
 hearers will believe me when I say, that never had 
 they a truer, or a warmer, or a more gallant lover than 
 the one that addresses them." (Loud cheers.) 
 
 SAM SLICK'S SPEECH AT THE BURNS CENTENNIAL 
 IN GLASGOW. 
 
 At the great Burns Centennial at Glasgow, Judge 
 Haliburton (Sam Slick) was called upon to read the 
 following toast : " The Scottish Clergy" In doing 
 so he said, " I have accepted the invitation to appear 
 here to-night with peculiar pleasure. A hundred and 
 fifty years have elapsed since my family left the bor- 
 ders of Scotland to seek their fortune in the wilds of 
 America, and I am the first of that family that has 
 made his appearance in his fatherland ; (cheers) and 
 that you have been so good as to call me hear to-night, 
 as your guest, overpowers me in a way that I cannot 
 
44 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 well express. I have been honored by being requested 
 to propose a toast, which, I am sure, every one who hears 
 me will receive with a most cordial and affectionate 
 response, since it is the clergy of Scotland. When it 
 was first proposed to me to give this toast, I confess 
 that I was considerably embarrassed. It did not ap- 
 pear to me particularly appropriate that so venerable, 
 so pious, so zealous, and so learned a body as the 
 Church of Scotland should be given by the humble 
 author of Sam Slick. (Laughter and loud cheers.) I 
 thought perhaps that it might have been given more 
 appropriately by one nearer home, and better able to 
 do justice to such a subject ; but a moment's reflection 
 taught me that nothing was required of me but to pro- 
 pose it, because it was a toast that spoke for itself, as 
 the clergy had their bond of union with the country in 
 the feelings, and sympathies, and hearts of the people. 
 Nothing, therefore, remained for me to do but to pro- 
 pose it, for their eulogium is like that beautiful in- 
 scription, sublime from its simplicity, in the crypt of 
 St. Paul's Cathedral the inscription to the immortal 
 architect who raised it 6^ monumentum quceris, circum- 
 spice. (Cheers.) In like manner, the eulogium of the 
 clergy of Scotland is best found in the character of its 
 people, in the institutions they have fostered, in that 
 comprehensive system of education they have en- 
 couraged, which has made Scotland preeminent among 
 the nations. Having said thus much, I should feel 
 that I have done all that is required of me ; but the 
 clergy of the Church of Scotland are not the whole 
 Scottish clergy, for there is a very large body of Scot- 
 
SAM SLICK'S SPEECH. 45 
 
 tisli clergymen whom they have sent abroad, as learn- 
 ed, as pious, as laborious, as self-denying, and as use- 
 ful as any, in British North America." The Hon. 
 Judge proceeded to describe the arduous labors and 
 trials of the Scottish clergy in the vast territory of 
 British North America, covering as it did a ninth 
 part of the surface of the globe, and proceeded to say, 
 " It is easy to draw delusive pictures, as I saw one 
 drawn the other day by a skilful artist, who, address- 
 ing the working-classes of Glasgow, bade them go to 
 a country where they would have a vote in the repre- 
 sentation, with the safeguard of the ballot-box, where 
 there were no taxes, and where they would have a 
 happier home in the wilderness. These are such 
 very pretty pictures, that it is a pity they are fancy 
 sketches, and not realities. (Laughter and cheers.) 
 The poor settler that goes to that country, you hear 
 from when he succeeds ; but do you ever hear from 
 the hundreds who perish by the way, who carry a 
 broken heart, broken hopes, and a broken constitution 
 to the grave ? You hear not from them : all you 
 know is, that they have gone to America, and that they 
 have not written, or that their letters have not reach- 
 ed you. 
 
 " I am delighted to see here the venerable and learn- 
 ed head of the University of Glasgow a university 
 so renowned throughout the world, which has pro- 
 duced so many statesmen, poets, judges, lawyers, and 
 able men ; and I am delighted also to see the Rev, Dr. 
 M'Leod, whose acquaintance I had the honor and 
 pleasure of making on the other side of the Atlantic, 
 
46 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 where the amenities of his manner, and the eloquence 
 of his pulpit oratory will long be remembered by the 
 population through whom he passed. (Cheers.) I am 
 delighted to see him here, farther, because he can bear 
 witness that wherever there are Scottish clergymen, 
 you find under their care a body of men distinguished 
 for moral and religious feeling, for frugality, industry, 
 and general respectability. (Cheers.) I am glad to 
 see them, further, because it tells me that by the end 
 of a century there has been time enough to weave that 
 cloak of charity which we are told covers a multitude 
 of sins. (Cheers.) If that cloak had not been woven 
 by this time, I would think little of the clerical or lay 
 weavers of Glasgow. I beg i^ave to propose to you 
 The Scottish Clergy, present and absent, those here and 
 those in North America." 
 
 SPEECH ON HONEST DRINKING. 
 
 At a dinner-party of deep drinkers in Cleveland, 
 Ohio, the following toast was proposed : " To all honest 
 drinkers." A gentleman of New York, who was 
 present, remarked, that the phrase honest drinker was 
 a westernism, which he supposed meant a man who 
 filled every time the bottle went round, and who drank 
 to the bottom of his glass at every round. This, he 
 declared, as a test of honesty and good-fellowship, wag 
 not quite fair, as the quantity of liquor a man could 
 drink depended somewhat upon the size of his stomach. 
 
SPEECH ON HONEST DRINKING. 47 
 
 A man cannot well drink more liquor than lie can 
 hold unless he be a Dutchman, who is supposed to 
 hold an uncomputable amount ; at least he had heard 
 of one who was capable of containing eight hundred 
 cubic inches more of lager-beer than the measurement 
 of his whole body I He was, some years ago, with a 
 party of New York politicians at a State Convention 
 at Syracuse, where they drank steadily from nine in 
 the evening until four the next morning. The beer 
 was served in those high glasses which are about ten 
 inches in length, and he estimated that the party of 
 eight persons contained about four thousand six 
 hundred and ninety-eight feet of lager. But he con- 
 fessed that he began to entertain conscientious scruples 
 against keeping such imbibing company much longer. 
 He doubted if this 'honest drinking' was a very 
 honest thing after all. He was not sure if any one 
 man had a right to consume so much of life's good 
 stuff. For his part, he was more inclined to the 
 opinion of king James I., who, when a fellow was 
 brought to him as a curiosity because he could eat a 
 whole sheep at a meal, asked, " What else can he do 
 more than other men ?" " Nothing/' was the reply. 
 " Hang him, then," said the king, " for it is a pity a 
 man should live who eats the share of twenty men, 
 and can do no more than one." 
 
 This little speech, altogether, was pleasant and 
 humorous, and the anecdote of king James and the 
 sheep-eater produced so decided a laugh that it was 
 impossible for the gentleman to do better than to stop 
 there. Had he attempted to make an application of 
 
48 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 the anecdote to the company, all the humor would have 
 evaporated. The application was too palpable to 
 need explanation. 
 
 SPEECH OF A POET. 
 
 At a dinner-party of literary men in New York, a 
 young versifier, who was perpetually talking about the 
 * art of poetry," and who had often been engaged in con- 
 troversy with a gentleman who was at the table, in 
 relation to the comparative merits of art and nature in 
 poetry, offered the following toast: " The art of poetry 
 may poets never forget that it is an art. The gentle- 
 man, who was known to be an advocate for nature, was 
 called upon to respond. He said that he felt his in- 
 ability to do justice to the toast. He realized that 
 true poetry was something beyond art. If it was 
 only an art, it was, comparatively, an easy thing to be 
 a poet a little book of a hundred pages might con- 
 tain it all, and the ten thousand ambitious versifiers, 
 who vainly try to scale the Parnassian heights, might 
 then really make themselves poets. But alas, to write 
 good verses and to write good poetry is not neces- 
 sarily to do the same thing. The verses, so far as art 
 is concerned, may be very good, and the poetry very 
 bad. It is well for the poet to use art, but it is not 
 well to let art use him : if he does, it will soon enough 
 use him up. How long will it be before art will pro- 
 duce such songs as " John Anderson my Jo, John." 
 
SPEECH OF A POET. 49 
 
 and "Woodman, spare that tree"? when the evan- 
 escent meteors that fall through the damp darkness of 
 night become fixed stars in the heavens ! To be a 
 poet, a man must be something more than a good 
 philosopher, good historian, good grammarian, or 
 good rhetorician he must know the very inmost re- 
 cesses of nature, represent the passions in all their in- 
 tricate and various windings, and want nothing that 
 humanity is capable of receiving. In him, as in a 
 mirror, nature shows herself. The most of what is 
 called art in poetry is a distortion of nature. " Fie, 
 my friend ! Could a poet paint the glories of the rising 
 sun by looking at it through a smoked glass ?" It is 
 given to no man to view nature with the eye of a poet, 
 except the man whom nature has made a poet ; and 
 no man was ever a poet who viewed her, as Dryden 
 expresses it, " through the spectacles of books." The 
 vis poetica, or " fine frenzy," as Shakespeare calls it, 
 was never born of books. A hundred years ago a 
 poet came out from behind his plow on the mountain- 
 side, above the banks of the Boon, in Scotland, and, 
 defying the disadvantages of writing in a rude north- 
 ern dialect, sung such songs as the world has been glad 
 enough to listen to ever since. What could art do for 
 a genius like that ? The art that he used was born in 
 him. Nature spoke to him in her own language, and 
 he uttered what she told him, as best he could, in the 
 unadorned simplicity of nature herself. When art 
 makes a Robert Burns, it will be time enough to read 
 this toast. No, gentlemen, let us give up this foolish- 
 ness of persuading all the drudging students of lara- 
 3 
 
50 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 bics and Spondees that they arc poets. The ancients 
 held poetry to be the language of their gods let us 
 not degrade it by admitting it to be the language of 
 mere rhetoricians and verse-mongers. Let us believe 
 something better of the God-gift than to say t.e has it 
 who only writes some verses, and runs away with, his 
 neighbor's wife. To be a poet is to stand in the inner 
 temple of nature and see how the world is male ! It 
 is to hear whispers from the sky, and converse alone, 
 face to face, with the angel forms of truth. 
 
 Tell me not that this sallow-visaged fellow, who 
 comes this way, with a face " thatched all over with im- 
 pudence " this mere word-juggler and rhyme-gingler 
 is a poet. He has disowned nature, and nature dis- 
 owns him. The Greeks called their poets creators, and 
 in England, as late as Ben Jonson's day, the bard was 
 called " the maker" And this was not understood to 
 mean a mere maker of rhymes and mischief, but a sub- 
 lime creative genius, who was supposed to approach 
 nearer than any other mortal to the creative power of 
 divinity. The office of the poet is thus set forth by 
 Hesiod : 
 
 " Tis ours to speak the Truth in language plain, 
 Or give the face of Truth to what we feign." 
 
 All the great poets of antiquity regarded the ability 
 to do this as an INSPIRATION, rather than an art. 
 Cicero called it " Mentis visibus, excitara divino 
 spiritu afflati" And this intellectual enthusiasm, this 
 spiritual and divine afflatus is what art can never 
 teach. But there is a sense in which art belongs to 
 
SPEECH OP A JUDGE. 51 
 
 poetry, and in which the poet must use art to transmit, 
 in pleasing forms, the sublime and beautiful ideas 
 that are flashing through his brain. But the way that 
 " God-made " and " book-made " poets employ art is as 
 different as NATURAL from artificial flowers. The latter 
 may have a resemblance to the former, but it has noth- 
 ing of its aroma. The one throws roses on his pre- 
 cepts to conceal their harshness, while the other scat- 
 ters his precepts in the midst of roses. The one gives 
 us delightful images which teach nothing, and are, 
 therefore, insipid, just as beauty, without sense, leaves 
 disgust behind it ; the other puts truth into delightful 
 images to charm us. His images are not made to in- 
 struct, but he puts instruction into them to please. 
 
 Thus, gentlemen, you may as easily know the true 
 poets from their counterfeits, as you can distinguish 
 roses, growing in their native fields, from the gaudy 
 paper flowers which are hung up to catch flies in sum- 
 mer. 
 
 SPEECH OF A JUDGE. 
 
 At a public dinner in New Orleans, the following 
 toast was proposed : " The judiciary may it ever re- 
 main the independent palladium of justice, and the sure 
 support of the liberties of the people" A distinguished 
 judge was called up to respond. He said that too great 
 importance could not be attached to the sentiment 
 Droposed. Whatever tended to render the judiciary 
 
52 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 dependent upon the favor of individuals, or upon the 
 varying caprices of partisan politics, was a step towards 
 its depravity, and opened the way for assaults upon the 
 spirit of enlightened liberty. There is much in the 
 ancient history of courts of justice which may teach 
 as to shun some of the quicksand upon which the judi- 
 ciary barque is in danger of foundering at the present 
 day. When Cleon was chosen judge in Lacedemon, 
 he sent for all those with whom he had contracted 
 particular friendship, and told them he must renounce 
 all especial intimacy, as it was impossible that such 
 friendship should not bias the mind and render it less 
 stern in the execution of justice. When Aristides the 
 Just sat as judge in a cause where the plaintiff, to prej- 
 udice Aristides in his favor, began with saying that 
 the defendant always acted in opposition to Aristides, 
 Aristides interrupted him, saying, " My friend, you 
 forget yourself ; state your case ; for it is your case I 
 am to try, and not my own." When this just judge, 
 Aristides, once issued out a process against an adver- 
 sary, the judges condemned the accused without hear- 
 ing him speak, on account of the spotless character of 
 the plaintiff ; but Aristides himself remonstrated, and 
 threw himself at their feet, entreating them not to 
 wrong the laws, or do anything by way of compliment 
 to him, which might be used as an example to pervert 
 justice. Brutus put his two sons to death who had 
 broken the laws, in order to show the Romans that 
 the sword of justice should know no partiality. It is 
 for this reason that the goddess of justice is painted 
 as blind, with a sword in her hand, to signify that she 
 
SPEECH OF A LAWYER. 55 
 
 knows not her favorites, but inflexibly strikes for the 
 just cause. When the poet Simonides went to The- 
 mistocles while he was sitting as judge and asked him 
 something that was not just, Themistocles replied, 
 " Thou wouldst be an ill poet if thy lines ran contrary 
 to the rules of art, and I should be an ill governor if 
 I granted what was contrary to the laws." To dis- 
 pense justice without fear and without partiality is the 
 highest duty a mortal can be called upon to perform. 
 And the less you make that high and responsible office 
 dependent upon the fickle and selfish accidents of 
 mere partisan will, the safer will be the liberties of the 
 people. 
 
 SPEECH OF A LAWYER. 
 
 When " The legal profession" was given as a toast, 
 a lawyer remarked that there was no profession which 
 had been the victim of so many jibes and taunts as the 
 legal. There is an old saying, that 
 
 " No rogue e'er felt the halter draw, 
 With good opinion of the law." 
 
 And he supposed that no man ever felt the halter draw, 
 with good opinion of the lawyers. That might be the 
 reason why lawyers had been so much abused. But it 
 was certain that no other profession had ever contained 
 anything like the number of great and just men that 
 the legal profession can boast of. To go bi,ck to 
 
54 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 ancient days, Moses was the first lawyer of the Jews, 
 Trismegistus of the Egyptians, Solon of the Athenians, 
 Lycurgus of the Lacedemonians, Anacharsis of the 
 Scythians, Nunia Pompilius of the Romans. Indeed, 
 nearly all the great names in the history of all nat ions 
 were lawyers. And what would the history of our 
 own country be worth if we were to strike from its 
 pages the names of all who were members of the legal 
 profession ? Our Adamses, Jeffcrsons, Websters, Cal- 
 houns, Clays, were lawyers. There was a time in the 
 early history of our country, when comparatively few 
 were sent to our legislatures except lawyers. Compare 
 the character of our legislation then with what it is at 
 the present day. New laws now come upon us thick and 
 fast, and quite as destructive of private and public prop- 
 erty as the vermin that once descended upon the 
 domains of King Pharaoh in Egypt. The Locrians 
 ordained a statute, that any man who should offer to 
 introduce a new law should come into the market- 
 place with a rope about his neck, and repeat before 
 the people what new law he proposed ; and, if not agreed 
 to, he was immediately strangled for his arrogance. 
 Now would not this be a good way to rid our country 
 at once of the legion list of new and pernicious laws, 
 and of the illiterate raggamuffin mob who make them ? 
 Think of the time it takes to qualify a man to become 
 a competent expounder of the law, an 1 then judge of 
 the learning and wisdom which the law-makers should 
 possess ! The fearful extent to which law fails in this 
 country is undoubtedly owing to the ignorance and 
 partisan recklessness of our legislative bodies. The 
 
SPEECH OF A PUNSTER. 55 
 
 remedy which I propose, gentlemen, is, that our legis- 
 latures should have a larger infusion of lawyers, and 
 a less number of tinkers and political charlatans. 
 It is the legal profession which has in all ages shed 
 the greatest lustre upon social philosophy and legisla- 
 tive science. Lord Bacon was a lawyer. So was Sir 
 Edward Coke, whose sturdy opposition to a despotic 
 king preserved the purity of the laws and transmitted 
 them to us in his immortal " Petition of Rights ;" and in 
 his digests are decisions which will be lights to latest 
 posterity ! Sir William Jones was a lawyer, and so 
 was Sir Samuel Eomilly. Indeed, in past ages, as well 
 as at the present time, the greatest and purest minds 
 of all nations have belonged to the legal profession. 
 
 SPEECH OF A PUNSTER. 
 
 At a table of merry wags, a famous punster was 
 called upon for a speech on the morality of punning. 
 He began by saying he could easily enough prove 
 the morality of punning, because all morality de- 
 pended upoa the just punishment of those who broke 
 the laws ; but, while he could do this, he could not 
 make a speech he never attempted to make a speech 
 in all bis life, and he felt very much as he should think 
 a iish would feel out of water ; in fact, it was a very 
 scaly business in those who had forced him to try to 
 make z speech." And then, fixing his eye upon a spot 
 of grease on the chins of two or three of the party, 
 
56 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 he added, " it is especially too bad to expect a poo? 
 unlearned man like me to make a speech to such a 
 body of learned Grecians as this." " What ! we Gre- 
 cians ?" exclaimed several of the party. " Yes," said 
 he, " some of you, at least, are Grecians, for I see it in 
 your faces ! " " Oh ! oh ! " cried the party, " that won't 
 do that is too far-fetched." " No," said the punster, 
 " it cannot be very far-fetched, for I made it on the 
 spot, and I am sure that it was not fetched farther than 
 from the kitchen, as I could prove if you would 
 allow me to summon the cook. But then I will not 
 insist upon this, for cooks are, for the most part, a 
 saucy people, and this one might take it into her head 
 to give us a taste of hers ; and besides, in this summer 
 weather, the smell of cooks is not always the most 
 agreeable." " This summer weather ! " exclaimed the 
 party, " how do you make that out in the middle of 
 December?" "Why," said the wit, "from the very 
 great number of swallows I have seen here I thought 
 it must be summer." " So-so," said one of the imbib- 
 ers, " you mean to haul us over the coals for drinking 
 so much ! " " Oh, no," replied the wag, " I would not 
 do that for the world, for then the fat would be all in 
 the fire, and, as this is only Monday, that would be 
 cruelly anticipating the awful unlucky fry-day which 
 you have such good reason to dread ; I say to dread, 
 gentlemen, for if your past career has been like your 
 present conduct (fixing his eyes on the carcasses of a 
 T/race of ducks), you must have practised a great dcrJ 
 of foul play in your time. 
 
SPEECH OF A WAG. 57 
 
 SPEECH OF A WAG-. 
 
 At a dinner of some of the merriest of the students 
 at New Haven, when the hour was late, and most of 
 the company had each " slain his man," or drank his 
 full bottle, story-telling was the order of the night ; 
 and, as is usually the case at such times, the party was 
 easily pleased, and applauded every story with the 
 most uproarious laughter. But there was one serio- 
 comico-faced wag who did not seem to find much to 
 laugh at in the stories which were almost splitting the 
 sides of all the rest. His noisy companions bantered 
 him with being " stupid," and with having " no appre- 
 ciation of wit and fun." To which he waggishly re- 
 plied, that, if they would explain to him the poniis of 
 their jokes he would laugh too. They reminded him 
 of an anecdote of the student of St. John's college, in 
 England, who heard a wit say to Archbishop Her- 
 ring, as he happened to slip and fall into a muddy 
 ditch, " There, bishop Herring, you are in a fine pickle 
 now." The student went on to his school, laughing 
 immoderately at the joke, and when his fellow-collegi- 
 ans inquired the cause of his merriment, he, still 
 laughing himself out of breath, said, " I never heard 
 a better thing in my life. Bishop Herring fell into 
 the ditch, and his friend said, as he lay there sprawl- 
 ing, * Why, Herring, you are in a fine condition now.' " 
 " Why," said his companions, " where is the wit of 
 that, pray ?" " Well," said the laugher, " I am sure it 
 was a good thing when I heard it." " So, gentlemen/' 
 said the wag, " it is possible your stories were very 
 3* 
 
58 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 good when you heard them, but that was probably so 
 long ago, that I expect the fun has pretty much all 
 evaporated now. Fun don't keep well in some people 
 like wine, it easily spoils in bottles* that are loosely 
 corked." 
 
 SPEECH OF A WINE-BIBBER. 
 
 A famous wine-bibber, who was called upon to favor 
 the company with a speech on " the drink of the gods/ 7 
 declared that no mortal lips could ever describe the 
 joys of good wine. For his part, he was not rash 
 enough to attempt it, but with the permission of the 
 company he would recite Cowley's exquisite tips<r 
 logic in praise of drinking : 
 
 " The thirsty earth soaks up the rain, 
 And drinks, and gapes for drink again. 
 The plants suck in the earth, and are 
 With constant drinking fresh and fair. 
 The sea itself, which, one would think, 
 Should have but little need of drink, 
 Drinks ten thousand rivers up, 
 So filled that they o'erflow the cup. 
 The busy sun, (and one would guess 
 By 's drunken fiery face no less,) 
 Drinks up the sea, and when he 's done, 
 The moon and stars drink up the sun. 
 They drink and dance by their own light 
 They drink and revel all the night. 
 Nothing in nature 's sober found, 
 But an eternal health goes round. 
 
A SONG INSTEAD OP A SPEECH. 59 
 
 Fill up the bowl, then, fill it high, 
 Fill all the glasses there, for why 
 Should every creature drink but I ? 
 Why, men of morals, tell me why I " 
 
 A SONQ INSTEAD OF A SPEECH. 
 
 Nothing enlivens a dinner-party more than an occa- 
 sional song, especially when the company is so well 
 warmed with wine as to become a little impatient at 
 the restraints necessarily imposed in listening to 
 speeches. Under such circumstances we once heard 
 the following song sung by a western Member of 
 Congress, at Willard's, in Washington : 
 
 " Do not ask me, charming Phillis, 
 
 Why I lead you here alone, 
 By this bank of pinks and lilies, 
 
 And of roses newly blown : 
 'Tis not to behold the beauty 
 
 Of those flow'rs that crown the spriug 
 'Tis to but I know my duty, 
 
 And dare never name the thing. 
 'Tis, at worst, but her denying, 
 
 Why should you thus fearful be ? 
 Ev'ry minute gently flying, 
 
 Smiles and says, make use of me. 
 What the sun does to those roses, 
 
 While the beams play sweetly in ; 
 I would ! but my fear opposes, 
 
 And I dare not name the thing. 
 
60 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 Tet I die if I conceal it, 
 
 Ask my eyes, or ask your own ; 
 And if neither can reveal it, 
 
 Think what lovers do alone. 
 On this bank of pinks and lilies, 
 
 Might I speak what I would do,- - 
 I would ! with my lovely Phillip 
 
 I would ! I would ! Ah ! would you ?' 
 
 SPEECH OF A SAILOR 
 
 A facetious sea-captain, an old tar withal, who was 
 asked to respond to a toast which was complimentary 
 to a sea-faring life, began by saying that he " had not 
 much to say in favor of the sailor. He is a quarrel- 
 some fellow at best, who only studies to dispute with 
 the tempests, and is of such a rank and brackish dis- 
 position that he is always in a pickle with his best 
 friends. He is a mere time-server, too, always on the 
 watch for afair wind, and his ambition is more rest- 
 less than that of a scurvy politician, for he is always 
 climbing and striving to get above his equals. He is a 
 self-contradictory creature, too ; for, although every- 
 body knows him to be brave, yet he is ever flying be- 
 fore his foe, and dreads nothing so much as to have 
 his adversary head him off, and meet him in the face. 
 And though his heart is as warm as noon in the 
 tropics, yet the intelligence that guides his actions is 
 so cold that it points only to the north. Though he 
 is proud of his country, he is always abandoning it 
 
SPEECH OF A TAILOR. (1 
 
 for other lands ; and, although he is vain of his hono,*. 
 he rides only a wooden horse into every port. But 1 e 
 is a hearty friend, a zealous lover, and will never for- 
 sake one in distress so long as he can keep his deck 
 above water.' 7 
 
 SPEECH OF A TAILOR. 
 
 In order to call out a witty tailor, this toast was 
 offered : " The ninth part of a man." He said that 
 " to call a tailor the ninth part of a man was to make 
 all other men a still smaller fraction, for the taiior is 
 powerful enough to make even the proudest of men 
 serve his interest ; and he is cunning enough to thrive 
 even upon other men's vanities. His charity, like the 
 mercy of heaven, covers a multitude of sins, and his 
 profession leads him, as far as possible, to hide the 
 faults of mankind. Those whom nature has slighted 
 he makes perfect. He has such an eye to beauty, that 
 even in his bills he imitates the birds of Paradise, and 
 is so virtuous, withal, that he turns even the extrav- 
 agance of other men to good account. What indecent 
 spectacles all men would be but for the tailors ! What 
 more can be said in praise of tailors, than the fact 
 that they flourish most in those communities which are 
 celebrated for their civilization and respectability. 
 His profession, too, is the oldest on earth ; as it dates 
 as far back as the garden of Eden, where, after the 
 devil had ruined our first parents, by exposing their 
 
62 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 nakedness, a tailor did all lie could to repair the mis- 
 chief, and make them as decent as possible, by ingen 
 iously constructing garments out of fig-leaves. Finally, 
 gentlemen, so good a man is the tailor, that if his yard- 
 stick sometimes interferes with the rights of others, he 
 does not selfishly confine the benefits to himself, but 
 does all in his power to satisfy the reasonable wants 
 of those who appeal to him for charity. He endeavors 
 to sheer out of the way of sin, to cut bad company, and 
 devote his life to the study of men and measures. 
 
 SPEECH OF A FIREMAK 
 
 A fireman, who spoke in response to a toast to the 
 fire department, said, that there is no profession in 
 which everybody ought to feel a deeper interest than 
 the fireman's. He is the city's sentinel, that keeps 
 watch over life and property while others sleep ; and 
 if he should " kick the bucket," nobody could sleep in 
 safety. The firemen are a volunteer army, who shed 
 no blood and share no spoils, and yet they conquer 
 the most terrible and unquenchable foe that ever a 
 soldiery met in battle array. The " machine" is the 
 most glorious piece of workmanship ever invented, 
 for it preserves what all other machines produce. It 
 " throws cold water " on incendiary strife, and quenches 
 the flames that are kindled by malice and revenge. 
 But for the fireman's hose even the fair ladies would 
 not long have hose to wear, and that I expect is the 
 
SPEECH AT A WEDDING. 63 
 
 reason why every fireman is so quick to obey the call 
 of the belles. But, as I am no speech-maker, gentle- 
 men, allow me to close by repeating this well-known 
 fireman's toast : " May his coat be water-proof, his 
 flesh be fire-proof, his bones be fracture-proof, and his 
 spirits befoiirth-proof." 
 
 SPEECH AT THE WEDDING OF A MR. GRAYE. 
 
 In the year of our Lord 1858, a Mr. William Grave, 
 of Mobile, married his cousin, a Miss Melinda Grave, 
 of some town in the interior of Alabama. After his 
 marriage, and on his return to Mobile, he gave a 
 splendid feast to several of his bachelor friends, at 
 which a gentleman, celebrated for his wit, was called 
 up for a speech. With a solemn face he commenced 
 rebuking the party for manifesting such irreverent 
 mirth on so grave an occasion as the one which had 
 called them together. The extraordinary marriage of 
 our friend teaches us the great lesson, that history is 
 always reproducing itself, for, more than a century 
 ago, a Capt. William Grave, of the British army, mar- 
 ried a Miss Grave, and a wag of that day honored the 
 occasion with the following epigram : 
 
 " The graves, 'tis said, will yield their dead, 
 
 When the last trumpet shakes the skies ; 
 But, if God please, from Graves like these, 
 A dozen living folkes may rise." 
 
 New, my friends, while you seem inclined to be mcr- 
 
64 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 ry, I assure you that I feel like speaking reverently 
 and hopefully of the blessed memory of our departed 
 bachelor, who has found an early and an honored grave; 
 and, what seems a contradiction, like the patriarch of 
 old, was ' translated without seeing death.' We trust 
 that our worthy friend fully obeyed the sublime in- 
 junction contained in the closing lines of Bryant's 
 "Thanatopsis:" 
 
 " Go, not like the quarry-slave at night, 
 Scourged to his dungeon ; but, sustained and soothed 
 By an unfaltering trust, approach thy grave, 
 Like one who wraps the drapery of his couch 
 About him, and lies down to pleasant dreams." 
 
 Gentlemen, allow me to propose a sentiment : " To 
 the memory of our departed bachelor: peace be to him 
 in the bosom of the grave." 
 
 This toast was drank with all the honors ; after 
 which the devout company sang these two lines : 
 
 " Thou hast gone to thy Grave, 
 But we will not deplore thee." 
 
 then, we are glad to say, they went home. 
 
 SPEECH ON PRIZE-FIGHTING. 
 
 The sentiment of "The manly art of self-defence' 1 
 was given at an entertainment, where, as there was no 
 professor of that art present, a gentleman was called 
 upon who was celebrated for his learning on almost 
 
SPEECH ON PRIZE-FIGHTING. 65 
 
 all subjects, and for a remarkable faculty of .blending 
 instruction and amusement in his speeches. Ho re- 
 marked, that " it is very difficult to see any propriety 
 in calling that art ' manly ' which is practised mainly 
 by thieves and the most brutal type of midnight 
 bruisers. If it is manly to bo able to strike the hardest 
 blow, then the jackass might bear the palm out of the 
 prize-ring, for his hoof has a blow which may easily 
 put to shame tlie^stf of any king of the fancies. And 
 yet, there is, at least, a kind of retrospective truth' 
 in the sentiment of the toast. In the early ages of 
 the world, muscular prowess was the only defence upon 
 which mankind relied in public or private war. At 
 that time the gymnasia, and all the variety of box 
 ing and wrestling institutions, were a greater neces- 
 sity than our military schools are to us. They were 
 established, not for places of brutal and vulgar amuse- 
 went, but for the public benefit, and all the boxing 
 sports were designed to qualify the youth for warlike 
 exploits, and to make them successful defenders of the 
 State. It was on this account that the greatest honors 
 were bestowed upon the victorious combatants. 
 
 " The gladiatorial sports arose out of the barbarous 
 custom practised in all ages of antiquity, of sacrificing 
 captives or slaves at the funerals and tombs of their 
 great heroes. The Romans, as they advanced a little 
 in refinement, abolished this type of butchery, and 
 commanded those thus doomed, to kill each other in 
 gladiatorial conflict. Their first gladiators were either 
 slaves by birth, captives of Avar, or malefactors, con- 
 demned by the laws to death. Thus the slaves and 
 
GC THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 captives of war fought for liberty, and the malefactors 
 for life. The eclat which followed the victors in these 
 conflicts so intoxicated those in "better life, that gradu- 
 ally persons of distinction were induced to enter for 
 gladiatorial prizes. The tyrant Nero once compelled 
 a thousand JcnigJtte and senators in one day to grace his 
 shows, and to cut, slash, and slay one another for his 
 amusement. Modern civilization, or rather wciviliza- 
 tion, is indebted entirely to the English for raising 
 from the dead an amusement which was born of bar- 
 barism, and died with barbarism. It lay buried for 
 centuries, until the refined English nation happily 
 accomplished its resurrection into the prize-ring. It 
 is the refined English nation that now dictates the 
 laws of this genteel and pleasant amusement, which, 
 indeed, is practised nowhere out of Great Britain, ex- 
 cept in the United States ; and in this country it is 
 confined to a few foreign thieves in our largest cities, 
 and to the Congress of the United States. A gentle- 
 man from Virginia, and one from Wisconsin, lately 
 attempted to revise the code of the congressional 
 prize-ring, but without much success ; and England 
 proud England still remains the happy lawgiver to 
 tne gladiators." 
 
 SPEECH OF AN ACTOR. 
 
 A celebrated American actor, who was invited to 
 speak in response to a toast to his profession, declared 
 
SPEECH OP AN ACTOR. 67 
 
 that it was impossible for him ever to think of his 
 profession without experiencing mingled feelings of 
 pride and pain ; of pride at the glorious origin and 
 early triumphs of the stage, and of pain at much of its 
 later history. There is no profession that ought to 
 command more respect and admiration than that of an 
 actor ; for there is none that requires a greater as- 
 semblage of all the powers of genius. To be a great 
 actor, a man must possess the taste and feeling of the 
 poet, the judgment of the philosopher, and the skill of 
 the painter ; for there is an art of coloring peculiar 
 to poetry and acting, which, though in some respects 
 it may be different from that of painting, is yet to be 
 conducted by the same kind of rules. We require of 
 each the same strength of tints and the same distinc- 
 tions in the distribution of the brightness and shadows ; 
 the same caution in the softening of lights, and the 
 same art in throwing objects to a distance, or in bring 
 ing them immediately under the eye. The actor, 
 especially, like the painter, must be a master of this 
 ingenious, theory of shadows, the skilful application 
 of which is, by an insensible gradation, to conduct the 
 eye from the first and most striking part of the picture 
 to whatever lies obscured in shades behind. Like the 
 painter and the poet, the player must have address 
 and precision to give the true strength to every pas : 
 gage in his part, and to convey the sentiments delivered 
 to his care in their proper force and beauty ; nor are 
 these qualifications less necessary to him in dictating 
 the proper gestures which are to accompany the ex- 
 pression, and in forming not only his countenance, but 
 
68 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 Ids whole person, according to the nature of ci.<, ago, 
 station, and character of the person he represents. 
 What is an actor but a painter of character ? the 
 tones of his voice, the expressions of his face, ld : ; 
 gestures, and the attitudes of his body, being the lights 
 and shades with which he accomplishes the difficult 
 task of finishing his picture? What feeling, what 
 taste, what imagination, what judgment, are necessary 
 for so great an undertaking ? Shakespeare was an ac- 
 tor, and in classic antiquity, men of the first rank in 
 life, the masters of all the polite arts of learning, 
 were often actors. Nor did some of their principal 
 poets, though they were the first men of the age, think 
 it beneath them, to go upon the stage and take parts 
 in their own plays. It was something to be an actor 
 when Tully patronized the stage, and plead the cause of 
 Roscius, and when ^Esopius was sought after by the so- 
 ciety of the wise and great. 
 
 It is not a place here to trace out the causes which 
 have led to a decline of the stage ; enough to say, that 
 those causes lie outside and back of the stage, in 
 the character of society itself. The stage is always 
 what the popular taste makes it. Although it may 
 exert a power upon the popular taste, yet popular taste 
 is omnipotent, and exerts a greater power upon it. 
 Financial success is the touchstone by which everything 
 in life is tried. If the theatrical manager puts his 
 pieces upon the stage in a style above the general 
 popular taste and morality, he makes as great a mis- 
 take, financially, as if he fell below the popular stand- 
 ard. His object is to hit the middle ground, and to 
 
SPEECH OF AN ACTOU. GO 
 
 make his theatre just as moral as the average taste of 
 society requires. To succeed, the door of the theatre 
 must be built upon a level with the door of the church. 
 The same people support the one that support the 
 other. There may be fractions of society who fancy 
 they go above, and other fractions who fall below the 
 great medium standard of taste and morality ; but it 
 is to the masses that all institutions have to look for 
 support the church, not less than the theatre. And, 
 it is undoubtedly more from a spirit of rivalry than 
 anything else that the two are arrayed in such violent 
 opposition to each other. It is a misfortune to society 
 that this is so, for the theatre might be, and ought to 
 be, an omnipotent support to the cause of virtue, by 
 ridiculing and scourging the vices of the world. As a 
 teacher and director of the popular taste, the theatre 
 possesses every advantage over the pulpit, not only 
 because it speaks six times as often, but every depart- 
 ment of logic and eloquence is open to its use, while 
 the pulpit is limited to the single range of formal and 
 dignified utterance. A clergyman once asked Gar- 
 rick how it was that actors controlled the sympathies 
 of their audience so much better than clergymen. " Be- 
 cause," replied the actor, " we utter fiction as though 
 it were truth, while you utter truth as though it were 
 fiction." 
 
70 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 SPEECH OF A RED-HEADED MAK 
 
 At a drinking-party of merry friends, where one of 
 the number was a man of wit and learning, and red 
 headed withal, the following toast was given : " To the 
 man with the most brilliant head." And the party to 
 whom the sentiment was directed instantly rose and 
 said, " I have to thank you, gentlemen, for the very 
 great compliment of being designated the brilliant man 
 of such a company of wits and scholars as I see before 
 me. And I suppose I am indebted for this distin- 
 guished favor, in part, to the brilliant color of my 
 hair, which has, in all ages, been held such a sign of 
 certain mental and physical activities, that it has 
 always been coveted and env'ed by those who have 
 been less favored by Providence. In classic antiquity 
 red hair was deemed an indispensable accompaniment 
 to the highest gifts of genius and beauty. It was held 
 by the classic poets to be the chief ornament of the 
 fair sex. It was supposed to give a lustre to all other 
 accomplishments in nature, and was so admired and 
 coveted that every one strove to imitate it by art, 
 where nature had not bestowed it on them. All the first 
 eminent painters, as Appelles, Euchion, Melanthus, and 
 Nichomachus, prized this color for the hair, in their 
 portraits of fair and beautiful women, above all 
 others. The red hair of the stately Sabina Poppea, 
 who was held the most accomplished and beautiful 
 woman in the world, in her day. was. considered the 
 chief ornament of her beauty. The great queen of 
 beauty, Cleopatra, had her charms illuminated by thi8 
 
SPEECH OP A RED-HEADED MAN. 11 
 
 high tint of nature's preferences, as Lucian testifies in 
 his Pharsalia : 
 
 lt Laden with pearls, the rich sea-spoiled store, 
 On her red hair, and weary neck she wore. 
 Her snowy breasts their whiteness did display, 
 Through the thin Sidonian tiffany." 
 
 Red hair was in such repute in Turtullian's time, and 
 in the days of St. Hierom, that even artificial red was 
 resorted to, just as people of bad taste fly to black dyes 
 now. Publius Lentulus, in his famous epistle to the 
 Roman Senate, written from Jerusalem, among other 
 bodily perfections which he assured them were pos- 
 sessed by our Saviour, described his hair and beard as 
 being red; and I recollect that one of the most learned 
 of the Spanish theologians argued, from this color of 
 the Saviour's hair, that he was undoubtedly alluded to 
 in the following passage in the book of Isaiah : " Who 
 is he that cometh from the Red Land P" 
 
 And, gentlemen, are we to suppose that the Creator's 
 hand has not labelled his works correctly ? Does he 
 not brilliantly label the most brilliant pieces of his 
 handywork ? Do not the excellencies of the creation 
 resemble the red head in the brilliancy of their tints ? 
 Is not fire, the most aspiring and agile of all bodies, 
 red? Is not the sun, the sovereign physical majesty of 
 the material heavens, clothed in the same transcendent 
 brightness ? And, when it puts on its most triumphant 
 glory to greet the rising moon, and again to bid good- 
 night to the departing day, does it not array itself in 
 robes of gorgeous red P What is the color of the Juno 
 
72 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 roses? of the most odorous pinks? of the charming 
 flowers that load the air with perfume in summer ? 
 Red! What are the distinguishing tints of the rain- 
 bow, hung in the heavens as a sign of safety to man ? 
 Red, gentlemen ! * 
 
 On the other hand, let me ask you, gentlemen, of 
 what is Hack hair the emblem? of the grave! of 
 death ! of mourning 1 It is the garment of cats ! of 
 crows ! and is the color of mud ! Among what nations 
 do red heads most prevail? Among the intelligent 
 Germans, the artistic French and Italians, the refined 
 English and Americans ! Where are black heads uni- 
 versal? Among the cannibal Negroes of Africa and 
 the Tartars of Asia ! Whoever saw a red-headed negro ? 
 except where the fellow's thievish mother found an 
 opportunity to steal the color from the head of some 
 white man! Nobody, gentlemen. Red is the color 
 for heads, for roses, as well as for the cheeks of maidens. 
 
 This speech, of course, could not fail to set the 
 table roaring, especially as the wit had been rallied 
 upon the color of his hair. 
 
 SPEECH OF AN OLD LOVER. 
 
 A man, sixty years old, who was about to marry a 
 voung lady of twenty-six, was called out to respond 
 *.o the following toast : " The delights of love may we 
 Lever le too old to enjoy them." He said, " Age has lestf 
 vO dc with the capacity of loving than we imagine 
 
SPEECH OF AN OLD LOVER. 73 
 
 At any rate, youth is not the period for the enjoyment 
 of the highest and most substantial delights of love. 
 The love of youth is like green fruit, whieh has not 
 yet obtained its . best flavor, and easily spoils after it 
 is plucked. It is with the faculty of loving, as with all 
 our other faculties, best when ripe. In youth the 
 heart is too full of curiosities, vanities, adventures, 
 and a thousand little weaknesses, to be singly devoted 
 to any one passion. Love has to take its chance 
 with the rest ; and it is generally a great vagabond 
 then, which spends its time roving about, like the dis- 
 contented fairy, who no sooner found one flower than 
 it left it to run after another, and so never stopped 
 long enough to enjoy any. And then some are con- 
 stitutionally devoid of the faculty of loving. They 
 have not the tenderness and delicate susceptibility in 
 which love delights to dwell. Their natures are too 
 hard, and too selfish. They can love as the lower 
 animals love, but not otherwise. The passion is a mere 
 properly of their bodies, without the sanctifying blend- 
 ing of the soul. It is an appetite whieh leaves noth- 
 ing to be enjoyed the moment it is gratified. It is 
 but one-half of love, and that the lowest half. It is a 
 great cheat, for it cheats itself and its victim. One 
 minute it thinks itself immortal, and promises to last 
 forever ; but in an hour it has vanished like a shadow, 
 and left nothing but a little satiety behind it. But 
 all this is less than one-half of that delightful passion 
 which God has ordained to be the bond of union be- 
 tween two kindred hearts. The highest thing to be 
 said in praise of this passion of love is, that it has 
 4 
 
74 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 never, and can never, be described. Language is too 
 gross and heavy to define so ethereal a flame. It is 
 like light, a thing which everybody knows, but which 
 nobody can explain. An old artist tried to paint a 
 sigh, but nobody ever attempted to draw the passion 
 of love. We may say it is an expanded softness of the 
 heart, drawn out and kept alive by a consciousness of 
 sympathies congenial with our own ! We may say it 
 is like bliss set to music where two hearts, like two 
 exquisite lyres, strung to the accompaniment of one 
 delightful sound, vibrate in delicious harmony. But 
 all in vain ! The greatest orator, the most enraptured 
 poet, is incapable of describing love, as even the 
 humblest swain may be capable of feeling and enjoy- 
 ing it. And this love, gentlemen, has no such tedious 
 calendar of time as you call years. It is in the soul, 
 and the soul is immortal. Instead of dying out with 
 age, it becomes settled and fixed in the heart, like the 
 steady light of a fixed star. Love in an old man is 
 not like hot fire in the veins, burning up the blood, but 
 like wine, coursing up and down through all the chan- 
 nels of being, like rivers of delight. In Knowles 7 
 play of " The Wife," there is this passage, descriptive 
 of the supreme reign of love in the faithful heart : 
 
 Ferrardo. Lives lie of whom you speak, in Mantua ? 
 
 Mariana. In Mantua, he told me he did live. 
 
 Fer. What ! know you not the place of his sojourn ? 
 
 Mar. Yes, where he still sojourns, where'er he is ! 
 
 Fer. What place is that ? 
 
 Mar. My heart 1 Though travels he 
 
 By land or sea though I'm in Mantua, 
 
SPEECH OF A POOR MAN. 75 
 
 And lie as distant as the pole away 
 
 I look but into that, and there he is, 
 
 Its king enthron'd, with every thought, wish, will, 
 
 In waiting at his feet ! 
 
 Gentlemen, the snows of sixty winters have fallen 
 on my head, but no frost lias ever yet touched mv 
 heart. 
 
 SPEECH OF A POOR MAN. 
 
 In response to the toast, " THE HOXEST MAN, THOUGH 
 POOR," a scholar and a man of genius said : " It would 
 be a needless piece of folly in any man who should at- 
 tempt, especially in these days of the triumphant reign 
 of wealth, to eulogize the condition of poverty. And 
 yet, in the days of great men, it was not always so. 
 Aristophanes said, ' Poverty is the mistress of man- 
 ners ; and, severe and harsh as she seems, the school 
 of virtue, in her state, is chiefly kept.' And Euripides 
 declared that ' Riches bring on vices, but poverty is 
 oftener attended by wisdom ; and the most truly brave 
 and worthy men were content with having only the 
 necessities of their life supplied.' Aristides the Just 
 was once the poorest man in Athens ; aiul when his 
 virtues and genius raised him to the highest honors, 
 he refused the friendship of Calhas, the richest citizen 
 in Athens, because he laid claims to consideration on 
 account of his wealth. The poverty of Diogenes was 
 the cause of his beginning his study of philosophy, by 
 
76 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 which the world has been rendered so much his debtor. 
 Pythagoras was so poor that he could not afford to 
 eat bread, but lived on fruit. The great Pliiloxenus 
 was as poor as a beggar ; and when, in consequence 
 of his virtues, the Athenians sent him to a town in 
 Sicily, where a splendid mansion, full of luxury and 
 gold, was provided for him, as soon as he perceived 
 that pride and indolence were stealing on his soul, he 
 threw up all, and returned penniless to Athens, say- 
 ing, ' ^Tis letter to lose all than myself 7' Clean thes, 
 the philosopher, was so poor that he was obliged to 
 grind corn for his daily support. When Antigonus, 
 the king of Macedon, was told of this, he sent for him, 
 and asked him if he found the wonderful things he 
 wrote in a millstone. * No, my lord,' said the philos- 
 opher, ' but while laboring with my hands for my 
 livelihood, the eyes of my mind are bent on subjects 
 more sublime, and what I reflect on in the day I write 
 down in the night.' A father asked Themistocles to 
 which of two lovers he should marry his daughter 
 whether to a poor man of merit, or to a rich man of 
 ignorance. ' Were I in your place/ said Themistocles, 
 ' I should prefer for my daughter a man without money, 
 to money without a man.' It is something worth say- 
 ing, that nearly all the poetry, philosophy, and litera- 
 ture of the world, has come down from those mountain 
 heights of intellect, where the heavy weight of gold 
 rarely ascends. ' I wonder,' said a rich ignoramus to 
 an author of genius, ' why you men of genius are most 
 always so poor.' ' Charge the difference between us 
 to oar Maker,' said the author : * for. had I bestowed 
 
AN AMERICAN'S TOAST. 77 
 
 the same attention upon making earthen pots that you 
 have, I should have your money ; but no amount of 
 application on your part could ever enable you to 
 write my books.' This agrees with Dean Swift, who 
 said that 'A man of wit is not incapable of business, 
 but above it. A sprightly, generous horse is able to 
 carry a pack-saddle as well as an ass, but he is too 
 good to be put to the drudgery/ After all, gentle- 
 men, much of the advantages of riches over poverty 
 is only arbitrary and imaginary. Who will tell us 
 how much better off the rich man is, who can drink 
 champagne, than the poor man, who can drink only 
 cold water ? What are the precise advantages of 
 broadcloth over satinet? of a marble palace over 
 a wooden cottage ? Much of the pride of the rich is 
 as conventional and as ridiculous as the vanity of the 
 Khan of Tartary, who lives in a cabin, and when he 
 has finished his noon-tide meal, which consists of such 
 great luxuries as milk and horse-flesh, he orders a pro- 
 clamation to be made by his herald, that all the er\- 
 pcrors and kings of the world have his permission to 
 go to dinner." 
 
 AN AMERICAN'S TOAST TO THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND 
 
 Several years ago an editor of Philadelphia was in 
 Montreal, Canada, when a dinner was given to the 
 press of that city, and lie received an invitation to be 
 
78 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 present. But when lie arrived in tlie anteroom, lie 
 was informed by the friend who had been instrumental 
 in having him invited, that an objection had been 
 raised to him in consequence of his having, some two 
 rears before, recommended in" The Nineteenth Century" 
 (a quarterly magazine) a plan for the invasion of Can- 
 ada by the Irish of the United States, and of achiev- 
 ing its independence of Great Britain. "Very well," 
 said the Philadelphian, " I will withdraw, then ; but 
 the article of which they complain was intended to 
 ridicule the folly of the immense subscriptions then 
 going on in the United States to free Ireland." A 
 gentleman of the Montreal press, who overheard this 
 conversation, immediately caused the objection to be 
 withdrawn, and a handsome apology was made to the 
 American editor for the annoyance to which he had 
 been subjected. At the dinner, the first toast in or- 
 der was, of course, to the Queen ; and, as the last mail 
 from England brought the news that her Majesty 
 was expecting every day to be confined with a fifth 
 child in the same number of years, the Queen's health 
 was particularly a pertinent sentiment. The privilege 
 of proposing this toast was allowed the American gen- 
 tleman, which he discharged as follows : " Gentlemen, 
 whatever prejudices I may have entertained against 
 the form of the British government, I can sincerely 
 say that I have never been blind to the truly feminine 
 virtues of your noble Queen ; and, with all my heart, 
 I give you ' The Queen of England, beautiful as a 
 star in one of the heavenly constellations ; and, like 
 the star, always in the miiky-icay'" 
 
SPEECH OF A LOUD LAUGHER. 79 
 
 It is needless to say, that this " palpable hit " set the 
 table in a roar, and made the American all right for 
 the remainder of the feast. 
 
 SrEECH OF A LOUD LAUGHER. 
 
 A gentleman, with a very loud laugh a sort of 
 Stentor-leatlier Lungs, Esq. being at a dinner, where 
 personal hits seemed to be the order of the day, was 
 called out to respond to this sentiment : " The blessings 
 of silence " He said, " Being an honest man, and being 
 ashamed of nothing, and having nothing to conceal, 1 
 confess that I cannot so fully appreciate this sentiment 
 as you, gentlemen, appear to. Our appreciation of 
 silence depends entirely upon what we wish to do. If 
 I were about to commit a theft, or, what the present 
 company will better understand, to steal into the bed- 
 chamber of my neighbor's wife, I have no doubt that I 
 should pray for silence as a blessing to cover my 
 deeds ! All rogues have a great horror of noise. The 
 bloody Macbeth exclaims : 
 
 " How is't with me when every noise appalls me ? " 
 
 I have read of a thieving Jew, who found his way into 
 an out-of-the-way hedge ale-house, where he found a 
 rasher of bacon. Being excessively hungry, he thought 
 he might venture on the forbidden food in this obscure 
 place ; but just as he was lifting the first bit to his 
 
80 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAlCEfJ. 
 
 mouth, a loud clap of thunder made him drop it m 
 dismay. ' Here's a pretty racket (said he) about a 
 morsel of bacon ! ' And that, gentlemen, is about as- 
 tender as I suppose all ro'gues to be on the subject of 
 noise ; but as you, gentlemen, are better judges of this 
 than I, I leave the whole matter with your wisdom." 
 
 SPEECH OF A MAN WHO WOULDN'T FIGHT A DUEL. 
 
 A gentleman who had refused a challenge to a duel 
 was at a dinner party, where the following toast was 
 offered as a compliment to him : " To the man who is 
 80 brave that tie dare refuse to fight a duel." In re- 
 sponse, the gentleman said : " I am of the opinion that 
 accepting or refusing a challenge to a duel has very 
 little to do with a man's courage. A great coward 
 may challenge, and a great coward may accept a chal- 
 lenge, but it is certain that a wise and honorable man 
 will do neither. Scipio Africanus and Matellus were 
 as brave as any men that ever lived, and bo>th of them 
 often refused to fight duels. Theophrastus maintained 
 that he who lost his life in a duel robbed his country 
 of what he had no right to dispose of. When Marc 
 Antony challenged Caesar, the latter replied, ; My 
 life is of too much consequence to my subjects to hazard 
 it ingloriously. 7 And it is, I think, a dictate of com- 
 mon sense, that no man, who feels that his life is of 
 any importance to his family or his country, has a 
 right to run the risk of throwing it away in a duel. 
 
SPEECH OF A PATRIOT. 81 
 
 If a question of honor is between two men, how does 
 it settle the question for one to shoot the other ? 
 
 "A revolutionary mob once seized the Abbe Maury 
 to put him to death. ' To the lantern with him/ was 
 the universal shout. The Abbe, with great coolness, 
 said to those who were dragging him along, ' Well, if 
 you hang me to the lantern, will you see any the clearer 
 for it ? ' This wit saved the Abbe's life. 
 
 " When a Greenlander receives an affront, he gives 
 notice to his adversary that at a particular time and 
 place he will recite a satire against him ; and if the 
 other party does not appear and make some answer to 
 the satire, he is regarded as a poltroon ; and he who 
 keeps up the badinage longest and best, is, by the 
 numerous bystanders, pronounced victor. 
 
 "Now this strikes me as a more sensible way of 
 settling personal quarrels than the one which is prac- 
 tised in the Congress of the United States. The only 
 objection I can see to it is, that possibly it may require 
 a degree of wit and smartness that our Congressional 
 savages do not possess. But then, if thus challenged, 
 they might get the same men to write their satires that 
 do their speeches. Why not? 7 ' 
 
 SPEECH OF A PATRIOT* 
 
 At a recent dinner given at the house of a United 
 States Senator in Washington, the oldest gentleman 
 present was called up to respond to the following 
 4* 
 
82 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKEll, 
 
 toast : " Our country and our countrymen." " Tlie 
 sentiment," said the venerable Senator, " embraces the 
 highest considerations that a good man can wish to 
 live for ; and in it will be found the sublime motives 
 which have devoted the lives of the greatest men to 
 death. It includes all that is most blessed in the home 
 of our parents and our children. Our country is our- 
 selves, for we are all but parts of the public system, 
 which constitutes the grand edifice of our social and 
 political lives. The man who even dies for his coun- 
 try, dies for himself, for his children, and for the honor 
 of his forefathers. And what are a few days added to 
 a man's life, compared to the glory and progressive 
 stability of those institutions which are to be the abode 
 of all the descending generations of our offspring? 
 Only as a minute compared to a thousand years. It 
 is of little moment whether I go hence to-day or to 
 morrow ; and every act of mine, that bears upon iny 
 country's weal or woe, is something infinitely greater 
 than my life. 
 
 " When I was a young man, long before I entered 
 into public life, the history of the noble Saint Pierre, 
 who devoted his own life to save his countrymen, made 
 an impression on my mind that has never, to this day, 
 been erased. It is more than fifty years since I copied 
 his last speech ; I think I have it with me now, and I 
 shall beg to read it on this occasion. You remember 
 the history, gentlemen that when Edward III., King 
 of England, laid siege to Calais, that city made an al- 
 most miraculous resistance to the invading foe. But 
 at length famine did what the arms c.* Edward had 
 
SPEECH OF A PATRIOT. 83 
 
 failed to do, and the inexorable Edward, in his wrath 
 at the determined resistance which had been offered to 
 him, resolved at first to put every man, woman, and 
 child to death ; but at length consented to pardon the 
 mass, on condition that they should select six of their 
 principal citizens, and send them to him, with halters 
 about their necks, to be executed. When Sir Walter 
 bore this terrible message to the people of the dis- 
 tracted city, who were all assembled in the great 
 square, Saint Pierre, getting up to a little eminence, 
 addressed the assembly in these immortal words : 
 
 " My friends and fellow-citizens, you see the con- 
 dition to which we are reduced ; we must either submit 
 to the terms of our cruel and unsparing conqueror, or 
 yield up our tender infants, our wives and chaste 
 daughters to the bloody and brutal lusts of the vio- 
 lating soldiery. We well know what the tyrant in- 
 tends by his specious offers of mercy. It does not 
 satiate his vengeance to make us merely miserable, he 
 would also make us criminal. He would make us con- 
 temptible ; he will grant us life on no condition, save 
 that of our being unworthy of it. Look about you, 
 my friends, and fix your eyes on the persons whom you 
 wish to deliver up as the victims of your own safety. 
 Which of these would you appoint to the rack, the axe, 
 or the halter ? Who, through tire length of this invet- 
 erate siege, has not suffered fatigues and miseries a 
 thousand times worse than death, that you and yours 
 might survive to days of peace and prosperity ? Is it 
 your perversencss, then, whom you would destine to 
 destruction ? You will not, you car. not do it. Justice. 
 
84 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKE?. 
 
 honor, humanity, make such a treason impossible. 
 Where then is our recourse ? Is there any expedient 
 left whereby we may avoid guilt and infamy on one 
 hand, or the desolation and horrors of a sacked city 
 on the other ? There is, nry friends, there is an ex- 
 pedient left, a gracious, a God-like expedient ! Is 
 there any here to whom virtue is dearer than life? 
 Let him offer himself an oblation for the safety of his 
 people he shall not fail of a blessed approbation from 
 that power who offered up his only Son for the salva- 
 tion of mankind. I doubt not that there are many 
 here as ready, nay, more zealous for this mart}^rdom 
 than I can be, however modesty and the fear of im- 
 puted ostentation may withhold them from being fore- 
 most in exhibiting their merits. Indeed, the station to 
 which Lord Vienne has unhappily raised me, imparts 
 a right to be the first in giving my life for your sakes. 
 I give it freely, I give it cheerfully : who comes next ? 
 * Your son ! ' exclaims a youth, not yet come to matu- 
 rity. ' Ah, my child ! ; cried Saint Pierre, ' I am then 
 twice sacrificed ; but, no, I have rather begotten thee 
 a second time ; thy years are few, but full, my son/ 
 "Who next, my friends? this is the hour of heroes! 
 ' Your kinsman,' cried John de Aire ; ' your kinsman/ 
 cried Peter "Wissant ! * your kinsman/ cried James 
 Wissant ! * Ah ! ' exclaimed Sir Walter Maury, burst- 
 ing into tears, * why was I not a citizen of Calais ! ; 
 
 " The sixth victim was still wanting, and so many 
 were the candidates who rushed forward eager for the 
 glory, that it had to be determined by lot ; and these 
 six brave and virtuous citizen swere led out, and died 
 
SPEECH OF AN UNDERTAKER. 8H 
 
 a sacrifice for tlieir country's safety. What an ex- 
 ample ! and how worthy the admiration of all good 
 men as long as the world stands ! What a rebuke to 
 the factious ambition of those who would distract and 
 divide and destroy their country on mere abstractions 
 and partisan vanity ! Somebody has profanely said, 
 that the race of great men is gone. I hope no one has 
 ventured to say that the race of patriots is gone ! And 
 yet, when I think of history, I am frightened. When 
 I think of what our fathers suffered, to bestow upon us 
 such a glorious inheritance as our country, and then 
 see for what baubles and abstractions many would reck- 
 lessly throw it away, I am frightened. I can almost 
 soy that I have seen the glorious sun of our Republic 
 rise, and I pray God that my children may never wit- 
 ness its setting.' 11 
 
 SPEECH OF AN UNDERTAKER. 
 
 A merry undertaker, who had become rich by a 
 diligent attention to his calling, was present at one of 
 the sumptuous feasts which used to be given by the 
 Ten Governors of the city of New York, and was 
 called upon to speak upon this toast: " The Under- 
 taker may it be long before he overtakes us." " I 
 ," said he, " heartily respond to that roast, gentle- 
 mefe. I am in no hurry, for I am sure of the game at 
 last, and can well afford to wait until you are better 
 prepared to be overtaken by me than you are at this 
 
86 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 sitting. I speak to you gravely, and to you only on 
 this subject ; and I pledge you my word, that when I 
 have tolled your sad fate to those whofottoiu you, I shall 
 make no allusion to your vices and dissipations. The 
 undertaker is the most charitable of men, for it is his 
 business to cover up the faults of mankind, and to put 
 to rest a great deal of strife and wrong. And if St. 
 Paul may be taken as authority, there is no better 
 Christian than the undertaker, for to him death is 
 great gain. And no man possesses a kinder heart, for 
 every passing belle fills him with the tenderest emotions. 
 
 SPEECH OF A TALLOW-CHANDLER. 
 
 A witty tallow-chandler, whose profession was 
 toasted at an anniversary dinner of one of the me- 
 chanic's associations of the city of Newark, responded 
 ?s follows : " I thank you, gentlemen, in behalf of the 
 numerous and enlightened members of the profession 
 which you have toasted. We are a merry set of fel- 
 lows, who continue to make light work of even the 
 heaviest duties of life. None are more amiable and 
 fascinating, especially to the ladies, than we, for we 
 never fail to have a melting way, however cold and 
 ungenial the whole world around us may be. We, 
 too, practise the Christian virtues, and were never 
 known, even in the most profane and infidel times, to 
 hide our candle under a bushd. We send a hospitable 
 guide to the bewildered traveller, to show him the 
 
SPEECH OF A SHOEMAKER. 87 
 
 way through the darkness of night. We enable the 
 philosopher to pursue his studies, whenever the suii of 
 heaven fails him. When darkness covers the earth, 
 we send thousands of suns into the gloomy abodes of 
 men. The king and the beggar are alike dependent 
 upon us ; and it is we who have the honor and happi- 
 ness to light millions of beautiful girls to bed every 
 night of their lives. But I must stop this, gentlemen, 
 or you will all be rushing into the profession, and 
 spoil the business. And if you were to, you would 
 not find us like the members of other over-crowded 
 professions gloomy and morose, for we should make 
 light of our misfortunes, and still toil on, endeavoring 
 to throiv ligld upon the darkest hour of adversity." 
 
 SPEECH OF A SHOEMAKER. 
 
 In response to this toast " The Shoemaker may 
 he stick to his last, and may his customers stick to 
 him," a member of the craft said : t " There is every 
 reason in the world why his customers should stick to 
 him, not only because he is generally well icaxed, but 
 because they are under the strongest obligations to 
 him for the good condition of their understandings. 
 Men's very soles have to look to the shoemaker for 
 protection and salvation. It is he who helps men to 
 become wi.-o, by impressing them with the everlasting 
 truth of such immortal maxims as, ' a stitch in time 
 saves nine.' It is he who enables men to go abroad. 
 
88 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 amid the snows of winter, and over the burning sanda 
 of summer. How fatally would all the social and 
 commercial intercourse among men be interrupted, if 
 not entirely destroyed, but for the shoemaker ! The 
 philosopher, the poet, the statesman, the hero, the 
 beautiful maiden, all ranks and conditions in life 
 from the king to the beggar pay tribute to the skill 
 and industry of the shoemaker. He is one of the most 
 useful, as well as ornamental, members of society. 
 While the importance of all other trades may be com- 
 puted by inches, his is reckoned lay feet. And when all 
 other trades fail, his will survive, for at the end of the 
 world the shoemaker will be the last man." 
 
 SPEECH OF A MUSICIAN. 
 
 A musician, who was called upon at table to respond 
 to a toast, complimentary to his profession, said : " I 
 thank you, gentlemen, in behalf of the musical frater- 
 nity, which you ,*re not to consider as a mere orna- 
 mental and amusing profession, but as one eminently 
 philosophical, useful, and instructive. No profession has 
 been more wronged by public opinion than ours, which 
 is regarded as vain, idle, reckless, envious, and unprinci- 
 pled. But, to the direct contrary of all this, the musi- 
 cian is one of the most industrious men in the world, 
 always endeavoring to lose no time ; and so prudent, 
 withal, that he keeps time, which everybody else allows 
 to keep them. He is so honest, that he will do everj 
 
SPEECH OF A POLITE MAN. 89 
 
 tiling ia his power to make every note of his good ; 
 and so benevolent, that he will sacrifice his own ease 
 to establish harmony among men, and bar out discord 
 from the family circle. He is the only man who can 
 get crotchets in his head, without destroying his prac 
 tical usefulness. Our childhood's primer taught us 
 
 that 
 
 ' Time cuts down all, 
 Both great and small.' 
 
 And the voice of experience has said, that ' Time 
 conquers all/ all but the musician, gentlemen, but he 
 beats time. And although he often proves a thorough- 
 bass fellow, yet that is of minor importance, since his 
 good qualities are major." 
 
 SPEECH OF A POLITE MAN. 
 
 A gentleman who was called upon to speak upon a 
 toast in favor of politeness, for some time remained 
 silent, while the party continually cried, Speech ! speech ! 
 At length he said : " Gentlemen, we shall better show 
 our appreciation of the sentiment of the toast by silence 
 than by speaking. Politeness requires that we shall 
 talk no more than is necessary, and that we should, on 
 all occasions, make the least possible display and cere- 
 mony. When Louis XIY. was told that Lord Stair, 
 the English ambassador to the French court, was the 
 best bred man in Europe, he said, ' I will put his polite- 
 ness to the test ; ' and asking Lord Stair to take au 
 
90 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 airing with him, he desired him to walk on ahead and 
 enter the royal carriage first. Lord Stair obeyed. 
 1 The world is right/ said the king, ' in the character 
 it has given of this nobleman ; a person less polite 
 than he would have teased me with ceremony. 7 I can 
 say nothing, gentlemen, that will add to this test of 
 true politeness laid down by the grand monarque. In 
 true politeness there is the least possible pretension, 
 ceremony, or display. Every thing is done to make 
 people at ease and satisfied, and nothing that can have 
 a tendency to disquiet and displease. It is the easiest 
 thing in the world for a man or woman, with a good 
 heart, to be polite, but no amount of art and education 
 can ever make a bad-hearted and ill-natured person 
 truly so. 7 ' 
 
 SPEECH OF A LACONIC MAN. 
 
 A gentleman remarkable for his brevity was toasted 
 in this manner : " To the man who says the best things 
 in the fewest words." He said : " Gentlemen, I thank 
 you," and took his seat. But the party clamorously 
 cried " A speech ! a speech ! " " No," said he, " gentle- 
 men, brevity, like great deeds, does not tolerate much 
 speaking. History gives us memorable examples. 
 When William the Conqueror set his foot on English 
 ground, he, burned his ships and cried : ' Soldiers, be- 
 hold your country ! ' Henry IV. of France was about 
 as brief. On going into battle he said to his troops : 
 
SPEECH OF A COOK. 91 
 
 ' I am your king : you are Frenchmen ; behold the ene- 
 my.' At the great naval engagement at Trafalgar, 
 Nelson said : ' England expects every man to do his 
 duty.' Napoleon's speech to his army in Egypt was : 
 ' Soldiers, forty centuries look down upon you from the 
 tops of these pyramids*' The great Roman's bulletin 
 of the battle lie had won was : ' I came, I saw, I con 
 quered.' King Henry IV. once met an ecclesiastic, to 
 whom he said: ' Whence do you come? Where are 
 you going? What do you want?' The ecclesiastic 
 replied instantly : ' From Bourges to Paris a bene- 
 fice.' ' You shall have it/ replied the monarch. But, 
 gentlemen, let me not spoil your excellent toast by 
 prolix illustrations. I have done." 
 
 SPEECH OF A COOK. 
 
 A celebrated cook, who had also some pretensions 
 to learning, and was a good deal of a wag withal, 
 was called upon to speak to a toast in praise of his 
 profession. He said ; " Gentlemen, the cook's profes- 
 sion is one of which any man may be justly proud, for 
 the most distinguished men of all ages have expended 
 their best taste upon it. Nearly all the celebrated wits 
 of the age of Louis XIY. were excellent cooks, and 
 were prouder of their skill in compounding sauces than 
 they were of their literary fame. Boileau was a 
 famous cook so was Sir Humphry Davy. Talleyrand 
 was quite as proud of being a great cook as he was of 
 
92 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 being a great statesman. Lord Byron pronounced 
 Gouthier d'Andernach the greatest man of his age, be- 
 cause he invented, in less than ten years, seven culliscs, 
 nine ragouts, thirty-one sauces, and twenty-one soups. 
 A celebrated member of the French Academy said : ' I 
 regard the discovery of a dish. as a far more interest-, 
 ing event than the discovery of a star ; for we have 
 always stars enough, but can never have too many 
 dishes ; and I shall not regard the sciences as suffi- 
 ciently honored until I see a cook in the first class in 
 the institute/ The great Earl of Peterborough was 
 quite as fond of cooking as lie was of war. It was hip 
 custom to assist in preparing the feast over which he 
 was to preside ; and when at Bath, he was often seen 
 in the streets, in his blue ribbon and star, carrying a 
 chicken in his hand, and perhaps a cabbage under each 
 arm. I have often seen Alexander Dumas presiding 
 over the smoking viands of his kitchen in Paris. Vol- 
 taire had so much respect for a good cook, that the 
 worst thing he could, say of an enemy was to call him 
 fricasseur ! a mean cook. Men of genius in all ages 
 have held the gastronomic science in greatest respect. 
 Shakespeare must have been a famous cook, especially 
 of beefsteaks, as we infer from the following excellent 
 receipt for cooking one, which he puts into the mouth 
 of one Macbeth, a well-known butcher of Scotland, in 
 the time of King Duncan : 
 
 " ' Tf it were done, when 'tis done, then 'twere well 
 It were done quicUy.' " 
 
SPEECH ON SCANDAL. 93 
 
 SPEECH ON SCANDAL. 
 
 ~W'ien the following toast was proposed, "To the 
 man wlio thinks the most good, and speaks the least 
 ill ff his neighbors," a gentleman remarked that a 
 goo'i man rarely thinks ill of his neighbor, and the 
 well-bred man never speaJcs ill of him. Scandal is too 
 mean a vice to find a place anywhere but in the mean- 
 est soul. It is generally the companion of ignorance 
 and oelf-conceit. Those who are guilty of it, seldom 
 have any correct idea of right or wrong, but censure 
 indiscriminately everything in others which they do not 
 possess themselves. For this reason the good and wise 
 are a^ apt as any others to be the victims of it. Seneca 
 said, "It is enough for a man to have an exalted virtue to 
 draw on him a deep weight of scandal and detraction." 
 
 Demosthenes observed, that " 111 tongues are busy only 
 with those who deserve praise ; but as a worthless per- 
 son is beneath scandal, all truly meritorious people 
 may feel themselves to be above its reach." It was 
 singular advice which Demaratus gave his friend when 
 about to marry, to make choice of one for his wife who 
 was most generally spoken ill of by her own sex. 
 Slanderers generally betray the vices which they are 
 inclined to themselves, by the faults which they suspect 
 in others. The horse-thief naturally suspects the man 
 he meets by the wayside to be a horse-thief; the liar 
 believes no man's word, and the woman of impure 
 thoughts suspects the chastity" of every other woman. 
 I have a friend who lately came near marrying a young 
 lady who possessed considerable beauty and accomplish- 
 
94 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 ment, but she knew so much ill of her neighbors, and 
 had such a horror of unchaste women, that she frighten- 
 ed him out of all his matrimonial intentions. 
 
 As good people do not speak ill of others, they do 
 not make much ado when others speak ill of them. 
 Conscious innocency is a door that shuts out all fear 
 and anxiety as to their good name. When Philip, 
 king of Macedon, was told that the Greeks spoke ill 
 of him, he calmly replied, " Then it is my business to 
 live in such a manner as to prove them to be liars." 
 
 SPEECH OF A MERCHANT.. 
 
 A merchant was complimented with this toast, "The. 
 merchant may he ever be exchanging for the Letter." He 
 responded by saying, that if the merchant's exchanges 
 did not better himself, they were sure to benefit others. 
 For it is the merchant who causes the chief value of all 
 the goods and commodities in the world. It is the ex- 
 change of the fruits of industry that gives them their 
 highest price. The farmer, the mechanic, the artisan 
 all are indebted to the merchant for the wealth and 
 luxury which their productions bring to their doors. 
 The merchant takes the farmer's produce, and the me- 
 chanic's wares, and gives him in exchange for them 
 money, silks, sugars, teas, and the fruits of all climes. 
 And it is this principle of exchange which so immensely 
 increases the prices of all kinds of productions, that it 
 is the mighty mainspring of the wealth of .the world. 
 
SPEECH OF A MERCHANT. 95 
 
 It was out of trade and commerce that tlie grandeur 
 and freedom of the English nation arose to such gigan- 
 tic proportions. It was trade and commerce that 
 raised, by insensible degrees, her navy to be the master 
 of the seas, and enabled her to leave the foot-prints of 
 her civilization on every shore. It will be the marvel 
 of posterity that a little island, not larger in territory 
 than one of our States, whose only produce was a little 
 lead, tin, fuller's earth, and coarse wool, should become 
 so powerful by its commerce as to dictate terms to the 
 civilized and savage world. It is not the nobility but 
 the merchants of England who have made her what 
 she is. A lord is a powdered puppet, who can tell you 
 at what time the monarch arises and goes to bed, who 
 gives himself airs of grandeur and state through an 
 idle and gouty life, while the merchant enriches his 
 country, dispatches orders to the ends of the earth, and 
 perpetually contributes to the felicity and progress of 
 the world. If our country is richer now than in earlier 
 days, look to our merchants for the immediate cause 
 of its progressive development. It is to them that wo 
 are indebted for the convenience of railroads, steam- 
 boats, telegraphs, the sinews of war, and the luxuries 
 of peace. It is the merchant who enables the farmer 
 to live like a king, and the mechanic to dress his wife 
 and daughters in silk brocades. Nearly all the advan- 
 tages of civilization over savage life come to the people 
 through the hands and enterprise of the merchant. 
 The phrase "merchant princes," therefore, gentlemen, 
 conveys no exaggerated idea of the usefulness and im- 
 portance of the mercantile profession. 
 
THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 SPEECH OF A SOLDIER. 
 
 A military gentleman of considerable repute, being 
 present at a public dinner, was called upon to speak 
 in response to a toast complimentary to the military 
 profession. He remarked that the profession of a sol- 
 dier, to be appreciated, must be looked at historically. 
 We must regard it, not in the light of its abstract 
 deeds of carnage and destruction, but in the protec- 
 tion it gives to the institutions of state and the rights 
 of our country. As it was by war that our liberties 
 had to be achieved, so by war they may have to be de- 
 fended and protected. That has been the history of 
 all time. It was by war that the foundation of the 
 mighty commonwealth of Rome was laid, and it was 
 by war that it was raised to its lofty pitch of glory. 
 In vain had Numa taught her people the arts of peace, 
 and its holy rites and ceremonies, if Tullus Hostilius 
 had not also taught them the arts of war. Both the 
 literature and religion of antiquity proclaim the war- 
 like arts as descending from the gods. Jupiter him- 
 self was of little account without his thunder, and the 
 disarmed Apollo was an object of commiseration. 
 Mars had to be invoked to defend both Jupiter and 
 Vulcan against the Giants. And all this was but a 
 fable of what all history has been enacting ever since, 
 and will continue to enact to the end of time. The 
 giants still survive, and Mars and Victoria must ever 
 be in readiness to meet them in battle array. 
 
 Lycurgus, the Lacedemonian legislator, thought the 
 art of war so necessary, that he forbade the citizens to 
 
i 
 
 SPEECH OF A SOLDIER. 97 
 
 learn any other business, and continually employed 
 tliera in the exercise of arms. And this he did, not 
 because he desired war, but because the terror of men 
 so skilled in the martial science might preserve peace 
 in his republic. The greatest generals have generally 
 been the most humane of men, carefully avoiding giv- 
 ing any more suffering even to the enemy than was 
 necessary for the cause of victory. That great and 
 terrible captain, Narses, who subjugated the Goths, 
 conquered the Bactria, and overcame a great part of 
 Germany, never gave battle to his enemy without pass- 
 ing the foregoing night in tears before the altar. The 
 emperor Theodore, whenever he besieged a town, gave 
 his soldiers orders never to open any battery against 
 the walls until they had waited ten days to allow them 
 time to capitulate. Washington, we know, was one 
 of the most humane of men. The courage and great- 
 ness of soul with which the martial science ought to 
 inspire the commander, naturally renders him superior 
 to the low passions of cruelty and revenge. Sylla, 
 Tiberius, Caligula, and Nero, were butchers, not gen- 
 erals ; while Augustus, and Trajan, and Antigonus, 
 and Phocian were as great in mercy as they were 
 powerful in arms. The really great military com- 
 mander is as anxious to avoid the calamities of war as 
 that great general of the Athenians, who did all he 
 could to prevent them from declaring war against tho 
 Macedonians ; and when some who dissented from 
 im in opinion, asked him when he would have them 
 make war, he replied : " When the young men shall 
 l>eooine grave and deliberate, when the rich Shall vol- 
 5 
 
98 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 untarily contribute to relieve the necessities of the 
 poor, and when orators shall refain from speaking in 
 public." I join the great Athenian, gentlemen, and 
 pray that we may never be involved in war again 
 until these impossible things are witnessed in our 
 midst. 
 
 SPEECH OF A MAN OF HONOR. 
 
 At a party of literary gentlemen and merchants, one 
 of the number, who possessed the reputation of being 
 a man of the greatest degree of honor, was called up 
 in response to the following toast : " May honor and 
 virtue ever guide the footsteps of ambition." He said : 
 " The ancient Romans, having erected two temples, one 
 dedicated to Honor and the other to Yirtue, joined 
 the passage from one to the other in such a manner 
 that none could enter that of honor without passing 
 through that of virtue. Many are the lessons which 
 ancient history teaches us of the love of honor and the 
 practice of virtue, which may be studied profitably by 
 modern Christian nations. Julius Cassar, in his youth, 
 happening to see a statue of Alexander the Great, 
 which seemed to have been made for him when he was 
 about the age of twenty-four, fell to weeping, and said : 
 ' How miserable am I, to have done nothing worthy 
 of memory 1 and this prince, even at so few years, 
 merited to have his figure perpetuated.' 
 
 "When Pompey the Great vanquished Tygranes, 
 
SPEECH OP A MAN OP HONOR. 99 
 
 king jf Pontus, and took him prisoner, lie restored 
 him to his dignity and his liberty, preferring to make 
 him a friend and ally of the Romans, rather than to 
 carry him to them in triumph, saying, ' The glory of 
 an age is more valuable than that of a day.' 
 
 " The practice of suicide, so common among defeated 
 warriors in ancient times, illustrates the fact that they 
 preferred honor and glory to life. And this was 
 shown not only by male heroes, but was practised also 
 by the women, who, like the chaste Lucrece, refused to 
 survive the loss of her honor ; or, like the beautiful 
 Amiutliea of Macedonia, who, having been caught in. 
 adultery, refused an offered pardon, declaring that she 
 would wash away her guilt and shame in death. And 
 how numerous are such instances at the present day, 
 of fallen but heroic women, who prefer death to dis- 
 honor ! It is one of the proofs of the dignity of human 
 nature, that the principle of honor is, among all na- 
 tions, savage and civilized, worshipped as a divinity. 
 Their notions of it may, oftentimes, be erroneous and 
 absurd, but the human heart everywhere bows to the 
 principle, according to the light it enjoys. A savage 
 negro of Guinea will be killed himself, sooner than 
 give up a white man, who is a guest in his hut, to the 
 violence of the mob. 
 
 " Honor, that spark of the celestial fire, 
 That above nature makes mankind aspire ; 
 Ennobles the rude passions of our frame 
 With thirst of glory, and desire of fame, 
 The richest treasure of a generous breast, 
 That gives the stamp and standard of the rest." 
 
100 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 SPEECH OF A JESTER. 
 
 When the following toast was offered, " May we 
 never give ivay to melancholy, but always be merry in 
 the right places" a gentleman, who was well known 
 for his jests, remarked, that it is not easy to know for 
 a certainty the right place for jesting. In the reign 
 of Edward the Fourth, a citizen in Cheapside, London, 
 was executed as a traitor, for saying that he would 
 make his son heir to the crown, meaning his house, which 
 had a crown for a sign. That proved a very ill-timed 
 jest, certainly, for the innocent wag. 
 
 The temptation of a merry fellow to crack his jokey 
 is so very great, that we must not wonder if he often 
 cracks them in the wrong place. The greatest of men 
 have often been jesters. Dulce est desipere, says Hor- 
 ace " 'Tis delightful to play the fool." Scipio and 
 Cato were as frolicsome and full of jests as boys. Nor 
 were they always so careful about the time and place 
 either. 
 
 Jesting in illness, or at the point of death, is 
 reckoned almost profane, and yet we have many illus- 
 trious examples of death-bed jesting ; as Sir Thomas 
 Moore, for instance, who jested upon the scaffold, in 
 desiring the executioner to put aside his beard, saying, 
 " It has not committed any treason." When the beau- 
 tiful and accomplished Stella was in a dying condition, 
 her physician, to encourage her, said, " Madam, you 
 are certainly near the bottom of the hill, but we shall 
 endeavor to get you up again." With great difficulty 
 she could barely articulate, " I ain afraid, doctor, I 
 
SPEECH OF AN IMPUDENT MAN. 101 
 
 shall be out of breath first." These illustrious per- 
 sons certainly did not think that, because we came 
 crying into the world, it is a good reason why we 
 should go whining out of it. If you ask me my opin- 
 ion, gentlemen, as to the proper time and place for 
 jesting, I should reply in the language of a famous old 
 glee, set to music by Dr. Arne : 
 
 " Which is the properest day to drink, 
 Saturday, Sunday, Monday? 
 Each is the properest day, I think, 
 Why should I name but one day ? 
 Tell me but yours, I'll mention my day, 
 Let us fix on some day : 
 Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, 
 Saturday, Sunday, Monday." 
 
 SPEECH OF AN IMPUDENT MAN. 
 
 A gentleman who was called out to speak in defence 
 >f impudence, said that he took great pride and pleas- 
 ire in discharging the duty which their partiality had 
 assigned him. He had good examples before him. 
 Orators and men of wit have frequently amused them- 
 selves in maintaining paradoxes. Erasmus wrote a 
 :anegyric upon/o%. Montague said fine things about 
 ?, which he somewhere calls " The softest pil- 
 low a man can lay his head upon." But it is astonish- 
 ing that nobody has done justice to impudence, sinco 
 more than two-thirds of all the success in the world is 
 
102 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 duo to naked, unblushing, uncompounded i/.ip-uilence. 
 What is a politician, for instance, without ii ipudence? 
 A spider without legs, a gun without powder, a stomach 
 and mouth without hands to feed them ! " Impudence," 
 says Osborn, " is no virtue, yet able to beggar them 
 all." 
 
 " For he that has best impudence, 
 To all things has a fair pretence." 
 
 It is as useful in the professions as armor in a camp. 
 Set the man of wisdom and the man of impudence to 
 running a race for office or wealth, and see who shall 
 come out first. To talk of a lawyer without impudence, 
 is to talk of a body without breath. And as for doc- 
 tors, Pliny affirms it to be "The prerogative of the art 
 of healing, that any man who professes himself a phy- 
 sician, is instantly received as such." 
 
 IIow many a worthless, idle fellow gets a rich and in- 
 dustrious wife by dint of pure impudence ? And, per- 
 haps, it is well that he does, for it would be an alarming 
 sight to see a thriftless man marry a shiftless woman ! 
 The impudent man faithfully follows that scripture 
 which commands him not to hide his candle under a 
 bushel ; and, to be as literal as possible, the smaller 
 his candle, the higher he generally holds it. Office 
 somehow seems to stumble upon him, because he is 
 always in the way. And then, gentlemen, as this is an 
 impudent world, it will be found very hard getting 
 along in it without a considerable share of the popular 
 material. Impudence can be successfully met only 
 with impudence, as is illustrated by an anecdote of an 
 
SPEECH AT A MARRIAGE. 103 
 
 Oxford scholar, who called one morning on another, 
 before he was out of bed, and hallooed into his room 
 
 "Jack, are you asleep?" 
 
 "Why?" 
 
 "Because I want to borrow half a crown of you." 
 
 " Then I am asleep." 
 
 SPEECH AT A MARRIAGE. 
 
 At a marriage dinner, where the following toast was 
 offered, " The present happy occasion" a gentleman said, 
 It is an occasion which brings happiness to all parties : 
 
 I. To our friends who are just married it is a divine 
 time, when faith is lost in sight, and hope in fruition. 
 
 II. To those who have been long married, it brings 
 back a memory of the blessed time when they were 
 joined in wedlock. 
 
 III. To those who are not married, it carries their 
 thoughts forward, in blissful anticipation of the time 
 when they hope to be. 
 
 So all are, or ought. to be, happy on the present occa- 
 sion. I beg pardon ; there is one class, which I trust, 
 however, is not represented here I mean old bachelors, 
 that is, incorrigible old bachelors, who not only are 
 not, but never mean to be married malicious despisers 
 of life's lawful sweetness, and contemners of the divine 
 rights and diviner charms of woman. By the Roman 
 laws, all such were punished as criminals, and were 
 prohibited from holding any public office. Augustus 
 
104 THE MODEL SPEECH-JIAKEB. 
 
 Cassar laid a heavy tax on all who were found unmar- 
 ried after the age of twenty- five. By the laws of Ly- 
 curgus, all the men who refused to marry were debarred 
 from appearing at the public^ganies ; which interdiction 
 was considered the greatest ignominy, and the great- 
 est deprivation, too, for at these games the young and 
 beautiful damsels displayed their charms in various 
 feats of agility and gracefulness. Simonides said that 
 the man who does not marry, shows himself to be so 
 selfish a coward that he shrinks away from the most 
 sacred responsibilities of life. So, if this famous old 
 poet, Simonides, is right, the man who gets married is 
 as brave as a soldier. In fact, he is so much of a sol- 
 dier that he impatiently flies to arms in times of the 
 profoimdest peace, and is never happier than when he 
 is at the head of the infantry. And this married sol- 
 dier, being no longer sent to the outskirts, is fortunately 
 kept on duty in the home squadron for life. Middle- 
 ton, in his play entitled " Beware of Women," has drawn 
 the following exquisite picture of wedlock : 
 
 "I scent the air 
 
 Of blessings when I come but near the house. 
 "What a delicious breath marriage sends forth. 
 The violet bed 's not sweeter. Honest wedlock 
 Is like a banqueting house built in a garden, 
 On which the spring's chaste flowers take delight 
 To cast their modest colors ; when base lust, 
 With all her powders, paintings, and best pride, 
 Is but a fair house built in a morass." 
 
SPEECH OP A PUBLISHER. 105 
 
 SPEECH OF A PUBLISHER. 
 
 At a convivial party, where the modern devices oi 
 publishers to get rid of their wares were made a subject 
 of remark by some merry authors, a well-known New 
 York publisher said, " Gentlemen, it is not for you to 
 blame the ' tricks/ as you call them, which publishers 
 sometimes resort to in order to sell a respectable edi- 
 tion of their books. If tricks have to be employed to 
 sell books, it is the authors and not the publishers who 
 should be laughed at. It is our business to make the 
 most we honestly can out of an author's brains ; and 
 when they supply us with a respectable amount of that 
 commodity, no tricks are necessary to prevent losses. 
 Good books are always sure to find a large sale in this 
 country ; and there is no part of the world where the 
 publishing business is carried on with less dependence 
 upon what are called ' tricks of the trade/ than in 
 America. There is a great deal of cant, not to say ig- 
 norance, in the talk about ' modern devices of book- 
 sellers/ Why, even in England, which has always 
 been the teacher of the arts of humbug to other nations, 
 the trade has discovered very little that is new in the 
 science of pushing the business for the last hundred 
 years. As long ago as "Walpole's time, that great man 
 remarked, that * The manoeuvres of booksellers are 
 now equal to the stratagems of war. Publishers open 
 and shut the sluices of reputation, as their various in- 
 terests lead them ; and it is become more and more dif- 
 ficult to judge of the merit of recent publications/ 
 Does not this sound very much like our modern grum- 
 5* 
 
106 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 biers, gentlemen ? When Simon Colinet, a publisher, in 
 Paris, first printed the Colloquies of Erasmus, he threw 
 off an edition of eighty thousand to begin with, and 
 circulated a report that the Colloquies had been inter- 
 dicted, which caused such a demand for the work that 
 the whole immense edition was soon exhausted. Talk 
 of the modern devices of booksellers ! no, gentlemen, 
 instead of these characteristic complaints, you and the 
 public ought to be profoundly grateful to the publish- 
 ers for the employment which they give to talent, learn- 
 ing, and genius. But for us what would become of 
 men of talent ? There is no opening for them in poli- 
 tic?, for the political field is already crowded with pu- 
 gilists, thieves, gamblers, and adventurers, of all con- 
 ceivable stripes, and let a man of real ability dare to 
 appear, even on the outskirts of the political arena, 
 and the whole band of infuriated ignoramuses will 
 make common cause against him. At a time when 
 men of ability are not wanted for official stations, 
 there is nothing left for them but to write books, espe- 
 cially since what are called ' the learned professions 7 
 are also crowded with m/learncd practitioners, who 
 can afford to do the business at such prices as drive 
 out men of genius and talent. Sucli men must write 
 books ; but what could the writer of books do without 
 the publishers? It is the publisher, gentlemen, that 
 keeps the intellect of the world moving. He diffuses 
 the principles of civilization and science throughout 
 the world, and enables the unlearned masses to instruct 
 themselves with the wisdom of the wise and the virtues 
 of the good. And there can never be any termination 
 
SPEECH OF AN EDITOR. 107 
 
 of the publisher's toils, for when he ceases his labors, 
 Solomon will be convicted of an untruth, for he has 
 said that ' in making many books there is no end.' 
 This passage of Scripture also furnishes presumptive 
 evidence that the book-trade was considerable of a 
 business, as long ago as the days of King Solomon. 
 It is an ancient and most respectable business, gentle- 
 men, which not only gives the highest cash value to in- 
 tellect, but it is the sole banker of genius, the founder 
 and supporter of the mental currency of the world." 
 
 SPEECH OF AN EDITOE. 
 
 An editor, who responded to this toast " The editor, 
 the deft-nder of the rights of the people, and the right hand 
 of great men " said : " Your toast stops short of the 
 mark, gentlemen, for the editor is often a good deal more 
 than the right hand of the great man, he is his brains, 
 too. Many a great man, who shines high in the fir- 
 mament of political fame, was made by the editor. I 
 have, in the course of my political life, made a good 
 many great men, and oftentimes, I am sorry to say, I 
 had only the meanest of stuff to make them of ; and 
 sometimes, when I had blown them up into fame, it 
 took ad the wind I could raise to keep them from 
 collapsing and falling back into nothing. But, let me 
 tell you, gentlemen, that this business of making great 
 men is, generally, a thankless and an unprofitable one. 
 It don't pay. Though the press is the mighty power 
 
108 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 that keeps the political forces of the country in mo- 
 tion though it controls the fate of parties and of in- 
 dividuals, yet how seldom do we see the men who 
 wield this power profiting by their own labors ! Not 
 many years ago there was an editor, of character and 
 ability, who was a candidate for the office of a United 
 States Marshal ; but it was refused him, and given to 
 an impudent ignoramus, a companion of thieves, and 
 a pugilist. Many of the ablest men of our country 
 have filled editorial chairs, to the great credit of them- 
 selves and their country, but in no instance have they 
 been honored with a seat in the senate, or with a first- 
 class mission abroad. Not long ago, in a debate in 
 the House of Commons, Mr. Horseman addressed the 
 following language to Mr. Walter, one of the proprie- 
 tors of the London Times : " You combine in your 
 own person the two most powerful attributes which an 
 Englishman can possess, as a talented member of the 
 legislative body, and the supreme head of the press 
 which governs the world." The press of England has 
 been honorably recognized by the Government of 
 Great Britain, in appointing to the place of one of 
 the Cabinet ministers, Mr. Wilson, the editor of the 
 Examiner, a weekly paper of London. But the poli- 
 ticians of our country seem to be capable of appreci- 
 ating the press only as a machine for elevating them- 
 selves into power and place. The gentlemen who are 
 at the head of the political press of America are com- 
 pelled to dance attendance upon a band of ignora- 
 muses whom no gentleman Would willingly invite into 
 his parlor, nor even suffer to come within reaching 
 
SPEECH OF A LITERARY GENTLEMAN. 109 
 
 distance of his lien-roost, if party considerations did 
 not force liiin to it. And this state of things lias 
 operated most injuriously upon the political press of 
 the country, by keeping, in many instances, gentlemen 
 of striking abilities out of editorial chairs. But as it 
 is. a considerable share of the intellect and respecta- 
 bility of politics must be sought for among the editors 
 of the various partisan newspapers ; although it must 
 be confessed, that very many of our members of Con- 
 gress are men of striking abilities, however much they 
 may be wanting in intellectual respectability. 
 
 SPEECH OF A LITERARY GENTLEMAN. 
 
 A literary gentleman, of known ability, was called 
 up to respond to a toast complimentary to his profes- 
 sion, and he remarked, that it .must be confessed that 
 the literary profession has become a sort of hospital 
 for infirm humanity, broken-down lawyers, doctors, 
 ministers, financiers, and ladies whose husbands have 
 left them, or who never came to claim them, fre- 
 quently flocking into it, as the last resort for bread 
 and clothes. But it must be confessed that sometimes 
 valuable acquisitions have been made to the profession 
 in this way. Hunger has in some instances proved a 
 iniu'hty detecter of genius. And, on the other hand, 
 riches have often rcbbed the world of the brightest 
 radiance of intellectual gifts. Anacreon once re- 
 ceived five hundred talents as a gift from Policertes, 
 
110 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 but he became so restless with thoughts of what to do 
 with it, that, after having kept it only eight days, lie 
 carried it back to the king, telling him that he had 
 discovered that money was not worth the pains it 
 costs the person who possesses it. The importance of 
 the literary profession in our country is to be chiefly 
 reckoned by its cash value. As a stepping-stone to 
 political preferment, it is not to be thought of. In- 
 deed, in that light, it is in a man's way. It is un- 
 loubtedly true that an idea prevails, that men of 
 thought are not men of action that the thinker must 
 necessarily be deficient in practicability, and so, to be 
 consistent, I suppose they infer that the less ideas a 
 man has the better he is fitted to be a politician. 
 But, fortunately, history sufficiently refutes this folly. 
 Solon, one of the greatest legislators of antiquity, 
 was also a great poet, and Socrates was a soldier, as 
 well as a philosopher. Xenophon and Sophocles were 
 as great as soldiers, as they were as men of letters. 
 Alfred the Great, and Richard the Lion-Hear ted, were 
 as able in the field of letters, as in war and diplomacy. 
 Both Dante and Machievelli were masters in politics 
 as well as literature. The idea that literature and 
 statesmanship do not often go together, had its origin 
 in England in the days of darkness and ignorance in 
 high places, when Dukes and Marquises could sign no 
 other name than a mark or TI cross to the most impor- 
 tant documents. The elder Douglas thanked his God 
 that no son of his, except the bishop, Gawaine, could 
 write a line. But the most illustrious statesmen of 
 England at the present day are men of letters, as, for 
 
SPEECH OP A CAPITALIST. Ill 
 
 instance, Lord John Russell, Brougham, and Glad- 
 stone. In France, in all ages, the greatest statesmen 
 have also been men of letters, and the language at- 
 tributed to Cardinal Richelieu, that "The pen is 
 mightier than the sword/ 7 has found abundant illus- 
 tration in the most brilliant periods of French his- 
 tory. The present emperor of France is an author, 
 also. But, in America, it can hardly be said that men 
 of letters have been recognized in the political arena. 
 It is true that Irving and Bancroft once had a few 
 crumbs thrown to them, and Hawthorne was sent 
 abroad with a consulship as a reward for writing the 
 only worthless romance which ever came from his 
 pen, the life of a president of the United States. It 
 has become a common remark, that no really great 
 man can be again elected to the presidency of these 
 United States ; and if men of literary ability believe 
 in " the divinity of the maxims of the people," they 
 will probably never seek for political distinction in 
 our country, as long as " the governing classes " enter- 
 tain the idea that learning and intelligence are not 
 necessary qualifications for the politician and the 
 statesman. 
 
 SPEECH OF A CAPITALIST. 
 
 At a party of so-called " Reformers/ 7 the following 
 toast was offered : " May the tyranny of capital, and 
 every other tyranny soon find a grave in America" 
 
112 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKEH. 
 
 and a gentleman of wealth, who happened to be pres- 
 ent, responded as follows : " In endeavoring to aid the 
 cause of progress, its friends often throw the greatest 
 obstacles in its way, by assuming extreme and unten- 
 able ground. For instance, what mischievous doc- 
 trines have been promulgated on this subject, as though 
 there were a necessary antagonism between capital and 
 labor ! A class of restless and poorly-balanced minds 
 have been made bitter and unhappy by being made to 
 believe that there is really and necessarily some great 
 wrong to labor in the possession of capital, whereas, 
 precisely the reverse is the truth. Capital is labor's 
 best friend, without which, indeed, labor itself is com- 
 paratively without value. 
 
 " What is ' capital J ? There is no magic about it. 
 It is nothing but hoarded labor. It is the result of all 
 preceding labor, of which the individual, whether 
 honestly or not, has come into possession. It repre- 
 sents past labor ; and by that fact it becomes the 
 remuneration of present toil. All money is but a con- 
 ventionalism to indicate to us that so much toil has, 
 by somebody or other, been already expended ; and 
 the party possessing money is recognized by society 
 as having a property in the fruits of the labor which 
 was so expended. Accordingly, from the very earliest 
 times, the need of such a medium as money has been 
 felt. The precious metals have no particular intrinsic 
 worth, yet have, on various accounts, the recommend- 
 ation of commerce for this purpose. As to intrinsic 
 worth, if any one were to be left, like Eobinson 
 Crusoe, on a desolate island, he would find a hatchet 
 
SPEECH OF A CAPITALIST. . 113 
 
 or iron a much more valuable tool than one of gold or 
 silver. But the proportion in which these metals arc 
 found, and a variety of circumstances, have, from an 
 early stage of the history of mankind, recommended 
 them for this purpose. They were used even before 
 governments coined them for money by weight, as a 
 medium of exchange. 
 
 " Nor is this the only form of capital. It exists 
 also in the facilities for labor, formed by its means, or 
 which may be formed directly by the agency of labor 
 itself in buildings suitable for carrying on different 
 operations the machinery which is necessary in mul- 
 tiplying the power of those who toil, or in cheapening 
 the commodity they produce. 
 
 " The moment that labor realizes more for an indi- 
 vidual than he deems needful for present consumption 
 the moment he begins to put something by, and 
 applies that to the production of other results from 
 that time he has capital in the world and he would 
 have it, though there were but one man upon earth, and 
 he himself toiling day and night. Whatever he puts by 
 as surplus to facilitate future operations that, strictly 
 and properly, is capital. 
 
 " The Indian who is disabled for the chase, but who 
 has a bow and arrows which he lends to another, in 
 order that he may bring him home a portion of the 
 game he kills, is a capitalist. The farmer, who may 
 have no cash in his pocket, but who has a loaf and a 
 plow, and who finds a man willing to drive that 
 plow, on condition that he may eat the loaf, is a 
 capital' st in the labor market, and the plowman is 
 
114 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER 
 
 his customer. Skill and strength are capital they 
 are the result of years of exertion, which has kept the 
 muscular system in order. Bones and brains are capi- 
 tal, as truly as miles of dock and warehouses, fleets of 
 ships, towering factories, or piles of gold. So that, 
 strictly speaking, there is no person in the world but 
 is, or may be, a capitalist, although he may be a laborer 
 at the same time ; and it is only in a broad way that 
 we draw the line of distinction, leaving on one side 
 of it the great mass of those who toil, and on the 
 other side of it those who, by their possession of suf- 
 ficient means, take to themselves, or have bestowed 
 upon them, in a popular way of speaking, the title of 
 ' capitalists.' The relation between them is constituted 
 by the payment of wages. It is a bargain between 
 the one and the other, in whatever form it may pass, 
 whether merely for food, clothing, and shelter, or for 
 the largest money-remuneration. 
 
 " We see, then, that this thing called ' capital/ which 
 the ' progressive ' journals of the day would have us 
 believe is such a very wizard and devil, is nothing but 
 preserved labor, without which there could be no re- 
 ward for present toil, beyond the immediate supply of 
 man's physical wants. Like all other great blessings, 
 it is liable to great abuses in the hands of bad men ; 
 but to talk of destroying it on that account, would be 
 like proposing to cut off a man's legs to rid him of a 
 heavy pair of boots. To talk of the ' injustice of capi- 
 tal ' because it is capital, is folly. To talk of equaliz- 
 ing it, is to talk of an impossibility. Equalize it to- 
 day and it will be unequal again to-morrow ; from 
 
SPEECH OF A BIBLIOGRAPHER. 115 
 
 the fact that, while one man tops, another ma.n spends. 
 A silver dollar, in the hand of one man. soon becomes 
 a gold eagle, while in the hand of another it becomes 
 a copper cent. We see, then, how little sense there is 
 in the philanthropy which is called * taking sides with 
 the poor man against the rich. 7 It sounds well, as all 
 the other patent projects of philanthropy do ; but if 
 we examine it, it is without reason, and only agitates 
 mankind, without proposing one practical remedy for 
 the * wrongs ' described. 
 
 " The dependence between labor and capital is mu- 
 tual, and all schemes of philanthropy which strive to 
 draw antagonistic lines between them, wrong the 
 laboring man, while they misrepresent the necessary 
 force of capital." 
 
 SPEECH OF A BIBLIOGRAPHER. ' 
 
 At a party of literary gentlemen, where the conver- 
 sation turned upon the subject of rare books, one of 
 the number, who was known to be learned in this 
 branch of knowledge, was called upon to respond to 
 this toast " The wisdom that is in old books May ice 
 lever cease to drink at its fountains" lie began by re- 
 narking, that their toast reminded him of this ancient 
 rerse 
 
 " Fro out the olde feldes, as men s.iieth, 
 
 Cometh all this new come, fro yere to yere; 
 And out of olde books, in gode faieth, 
 
 Cometh all this newe science that men lere." 
 
116 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 Old-fashioned as tins language sounds, it is, never- 
 theless true, to an extent which few modern readers 
 are prepared to admit. For instance, Mr. Ralph Waldo 
 Emerson is considered one of the most original of all 
 our modern thinkers and ivriters, and yet the student, 
 who is familiar with the works of that old Greek, Epic- 
 tetus, and with old Hieroclcs' divine book upon the 
 golden verses of the Pythagoreans, will discover the 
 fountains from which Mr. Emerson has drawn nearly 
 all the beauty and freshness of his philosophy. In 
 Epictetus, especially, he will find the very novelty of 
 Mr. Emerson's style, which has been so much admired 
 even by those who dissent from his opinions. I speak 
 not this with a view to Mr. Emerson's discredit so 
 far from it, that I sincerely wish we had more like him, 
 who have the learning and patience to drink from these 
 ancient fountains of wisdom. 
 
 It is a happiness to believe that the students and 
 lovers of ancient and rare books are increasing in 
 numbers every year ; indeed, there has never been a 
 time when rare books and manuscripts were not enthu- 
 siastically sought for by men of taste and leading. 
 But there have been particular periods when this re- 
 markable demand for old books amounted almost to a 
 mania. Such was the case at the close of the seven- 
 teenth century, when a desire of forming vast libraries 
 of ancient books and rare manuscripts led them tc 
 search, not only the whole of Europe, but the East ; 
 and this was the source of many impostures and of 
 some ridiculous mistakes. Some cheats, or ignorant 
 persons, sent over from India to Paris a number of 
 
SPEECH OP A BIBLIOGRAPHER. 117 
 
 Arabian manuscripts, in excellent condition, and writ- 
 ten in a very beautiful character. They were received 
 with profound respect by the literati, and were sold for 
 immense sums to the enthusiastic bibliomaniacs ; but as 
 soon as they came to the eyes of scholars who were 
 acquainted witli the language, it was discovered that 
 these rare volumes were nothing more than common 
 registers and account books of Arabian merchants ! 
 There is no describing the chagrin of the literati, and 
 the disappointment of the purchasers of these Arabian 
 wonders. But the ever-inventive mind of the hungry 
 authors of England caught the happy idea of forging 
 translations from Persian and Arabian manuscripts, 
 and several spurious books of this description were 
 successfully palmed off upon the public. To such an 
 extent did these impostures prevail, that when Sir Wil- 
 liam Jones published his translations from the Asiatic 
 languages, he was obliged to take especial pains to 
 prove that his book was not also a cheat. 
 
 Owing, partly, to the astonishing demand for old 
 books in the United States, their prices have gone up 
 in London nearly one-third in five years ; and such is 
 the present demand for them in Great Britain, that but 
 few more really scarce works will reach this country, 
 except at immensely increased prices. Hardly any 
 gentleman in England or America will now put a new 
 edition of a rare work in his library if an old one can 
 be obtained. For instance, Bohn has just issued a fine 
 edition of the works of Rabelais, which sells for two 
 dollars, and yet the old edition, with the plates, brings 
 readily six dollars in London. Bohn has also pub- 
 
118 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 lished a fine edition of Holbein's Dance of Death, at 
 two dollars, but still the old edition sells quick at from 
 six to ten dollars. A handsome modern edition of 
 Milton's Paradise Lost can be bought for a dollar, but 
 almost any of the editions published previous to 1790. 
 are worth five dollars, and the first edition, of 1669, 
 will bring from fifteen to thirty dollars. A fine new 
 edition of Pope's Translation of Homer can be had for 
 two dollars, but the first edition is worth from twelve 
 to twenty dollars. 
 
 Col. Stanley's celebrated library of rare books, num- 
 bering only 1,136 volumes, which was sold at auction 
 in London, in 1813, brought the immense sum of forty- 
 one thousand two hundred and thirty-two dollars. 
 
 THE EDWARDS COLLECTION, which numbered only 
 830 books, brought, in 1815, forty-two thousand, tico 
 hundred and seventy dollars. 
 
 And the famous ALCHORNE COLLECTION, of only 187 
 volumes, was sold in 1813 for eight thousand eight 
 hundred and fifty-five dollars. 
 
 But I have known some curious instances of ignor^ 
 ance among the dealers in old books in this city. In 
 1852, I bought at a second-hand bookstore, in New 
 York, a fine copy of Braithwaite's English Gentleman, 
 published in 1630, for seventy-five cents. A copy of 
 the same work is marked in the Bibliotheca Stanleiana 
 at 4 4s. ($21.) Probably the learned dealer in rare 
 books in Gotham gave some hungry man or woman 
 about six cents for this scarce and curious book. 
 
 I knew a gentleman who bought, at a second-hand 
 oookstore in Philadelphia, some ten years ago, a copy 
 
SPEECH OP A BIBLIOGRAPHER, 119 
 
 of the GOLDEN LEGEND, published by "Wyllyam C ax- 
 ton, in 1473, for the pittance of ten dollars. "A copy 
 of this scarce work was sold from the Alchorne collec- 
 tion for 82 195. ($416.) Without any unkindness to 
 Mr. Longfellgw, we may say that he is not a little in- 
 debted to this book for the idea of his work of the 
 same title. 
 
 One of the rarest of old books is " Sir John Frois- 
 sart's Crony cles of Englande, Fraunce, and Spayne, 
 translated by Syr Johan Bourchicr, Lord Bcrners," 
 from the press of Pynson, in 1525. At the Stanley 
 sale this extremely rare book brought 39 17s. 
 ($198 75.) A well-known literary gentleman, resid- 
 ing in one of the northern counties of the State of 
 New York, had a copy of this scarce and curious work 
 in a rare collection of old books, which he had been 
 twenty years in collecting ; but in a moment of mis- 
 fortune, to protect his invaluable library from the 
 grasp of rapacious creditors, he mortgaged his whole' 
 collection to a friend, who, having himself become 
 embarrassed, soon conceived the idea o,f saving him- 
 self by disposing of said library. But when he broke 
 open the boxes, instead of what he expected to find, 
 viz., massive books glittering in their new gilt bind- 
 ings, he was horrified at the sight of a lot of ragged, 
 musty old books, which looked as though they had 
 been thrown out with the rubbish from Noah's ark. 
 He hesitated,. doubted, looked thunderstruck ; but not 
 quite daring to trust his own judgment, he called in 
 the bookseller of the villnge, a wise and consequential 
 dealer in spelling-books and flash novels, who saga- 
 
120 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 ciously pronounced the whole collection " ivortJi not 
 over fifteen dollars" So here was one of the most 
 curious private libraries in America, which had cost 
 the collector not less than $2,000, knocked down, by 
 the ignorance of a stupid bookseller, to the ridiculous 
 figure of fifteen dollars. Although there were many 
 books which were worth their full weight in silver, 
 yet to these ignoramuses they did not appear worth 
 boxing up again, and they were left open, exposed to 
 the Goths and Vandals of a country village, where the 
 contents of a rum-shop or a lager-bier cellar stood a 
 much better chance of being understood and appre- 
 ciated, than a library of rare books of the 15th and 
 16th centuries. And lo ! when the literary gentleman 
 came back for his precious tomes, they had vanished, 
 nobody knew where, and had been used for nobody 
 could tell what ! Thus was destroyed one of the 
 most valuable private collections of curious old books 
 in America. 
 
 But, notwithstanding such unfortunate cases as these, 
 there is no doubt that there is, in our country, an in- 
 creasing love of rare old books, and with this growing 
 taste will come, at last, a genuine improvement in our 
 own literature. 
 
 SPEECH ON ENGLISH BENEVOLENCE IN THE U. S. 
 
 At a dinner-party, where the speaking turned upon 
 tlift benevolence of the English in sending funds for 
 
SPEECH ON ENGLISH BENEVOLENCE. 121 
 
 the aid of those who are poor and oppressed in our 
 country, a gentlemen responded by saying that, under 
 the circumstances, it was impossible for him to regard 
 all such " benevolence ' in any other light than a piece 
 of ostentatious impertinence. He very well remembered 
 that a portion of the American press was, a few years 
 ago, vehement in its praise of the benevolence of Lady 
 Byron for having sent a few pounds of ready cash to 
 the people of Kansas. No doubt the cash was wel- 
 come enough there. The population of Kansas was 
 at that time far from being a class of people that could 
 well take care of themselves. A large portion of them 
 did not go there, like legitimate emigrants, to earn an 
 honest living by the sweat of their brows, but they 
 were sent there to vote and to make laws. They did 
 not go there to use the spade and the plow, but they 
 were sent there to fight with Northern Sharpens rifles 
 and Southern bowie-knives. Bread and clothes must, 
 in a short time, get to be very scarce with such a pop- 
 ulation. They were, for the most part, but little bet- 
 ter than a secondary class of paupers at home, before 
 they were induced to try their hands in Kansas at tho 
 voting and fighting business. Ready cash was, there- 
 fore, a great thing in Kansas, and we, too, sincerely 
 rejoiced that an English lady found it convenient to 
 help them to it. All we wished was, to have the gift 
 called by the right name, and not to have it called ex- 
 actly benevolence, for it comes much nearer to fanati- 
 cism and impudence. If the English ladies have cash 
 to spare, there are the poor workers of their own 
 country, crushed down, in dumb agony, at their own 
 6 
 
122 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 doors, perishing of cold and liuDger, and drinking per- 
 petually of a cup of want that no slave in America 
 ever yet tasted. In the sanitary reports of the mining 
 districts of England, we are made acquainted with a 
 depth of misery which never before attracted the eye 
 of civilized man. There he may see in rooms, fifteen 
 feet square, two rows of beds, with no opening for air, 
 where as many as fifty men sleep in sixteen bed?, 
 where there is not a flag or board on the floor, which 
 is covered with small puddles of filthy water. Mr. 
 Wood testifies, that in Lancashire he found forty 
 people sleeping in the same room, where all decency 
 and delicacy were lost in overwhelming squalor. He 
 says the condition of the monkey-house in the Zoolog- 
 ical Gardens is preferable to that of the laboring pop- 
 ulation. In Devonshire, his report tells us that fami- 
 lies of six or eight sleep in one bed father, mother, 
 grown-up sons, and daughters. " I have found, he says, 
 " that if a number of empty casks be placed along the 
 street in Whitechapel, soon each will have its tenant." 
 
 A work, entitled " London Labor and London Poor," 
 which has been republished in this country, gives us an 
 amount of shocking detail of the condition of the poor 
 workers of England, which the history of no other 
 country has ever recorded. 
 
 " I attended the Garden " (Covent), said one pooi 
 man, " for a week, and lived entirely on the offal of 
 the market." " I walked about," said another, " two 
 days and nights, without a bit to eat, except what I 
 picked up in the gutter, and ate like a dog orange- 
 peel, old cabbage-stumps, anything I could get." 
 
SPEECH ON GREAT NAMES. 123 
 
 " Oh, sir !" said a mother, " it is hard to work from 
 morning- until night little ones and all and not be 
 able to live by it cither." 
 
 Yes, it is indeed very hard to sec so many English 
 mothers starving to death, while the English ladies 
 have plenty of cash to send out here to our robust, 
 stalwart, fighting vagabonds of Kansas. 
 
 An English (Leeds) paper stated, that at an inquest 
 it was asserted, and not denied by the surgeon, that 
 three hundred children in Leeds alone were put to 
 death yearly, to avoid the misery of their living, and 
 the murderers were never discovered. Well enough 
 may Carlyle thunder out at the Exeter Hall philan- 
 thropists, that " they would save the Sarawah cut- 
 throats, with their poisoned spears, but ignore the 
 thirty thousand needle-women, the three million pau- 
 pers, and the Connaught potential cannibalism." 
 
 We in America may have many sins to atone for ; 
 but the English man or the English lady who sends 
 his or her money here, as a charity to our oppressed, 
 is a good deal foolish and not a little impudent, while 
 the American that would ask alms of England for our 
 poor or oppressed, forfeits his claims to respect while 
 living, and to an honored grave when he is dead. 
 
 SPEECH ON GREAT NAMES. 
 
 A worshipper of antiquity proposed this toast : 
 The great names of antiquity May they be ever before 
 
124 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 MS, to inspire us ivitli a love of great deeds :" and as lie 
 was no speech-maker himself, he called upon a wag- 
 gish friend to speak upon it. " This toast is already 
 realized," said he, humorously, " for the great names 
 of antiquity are always before us. For instance, Cato 
 keeps a sausage-stand in Washington market ; Cassar 
 is a barber in the Bowery ; Brutus is a pork-butcher's 
 watch-dog in Christopher street ; George Law has got 
 Pompey in a stable on Fifth avenue ; Nero is a parrot, 
 which curses and swears in the back yard of a hotel in 
 Brooklyn ; Plato is a lap-dog, which is kissed and 
 caressed day and night by a beautiful lady at the St. 
 Nicholas hotel ; Antony drives a fish-wagon in the 
 nineteenth ward ; the great Gustavus Adolphus is a 
 sheriff in Buffalo ; Alexander is a cook in Philadel- 
 phia ; Cicero is a negro-waiter at Barnum's, in Balti- 
 more ; Horace edits a newspaper in New York ; Han- 
 nibal is a candidate for the Vice-Presidency of the 
 United States ; Abraham, still abounding in faith, is 
 running a race for a mansion in Washington, and John 
 is travelling in the wilderness, hunting for the same 
 place, while Stephen the Martyr yet lives in an un- 
 godly place culled Washington, which is adjacent to 
 the United States. But, gentlemen, enough of this. T. 
 confess that I have a profound appreciation of the 
 sentiment of the toast which has been offered by our 
 learned friend, and I have no respect whatever f< r 
 that narrow prejudice, which is based in ignorance 
 alone, that considers the wisdom of past ages as of no 
 importance in comparison with the achievements of 
 the present time. The present is only a part of the 
 
SPEECH OF GREAT NAMES. 125 
 
 past. All that our generation possesses is but the con- 
 tinuation, or natural growth, of what all past gener- 
 ations achieved. Had Greece, or Rome, or the middle 
 ages, been other than what they were, we should not 
 be what we are to-day. One layer of time has Provi- 
 dence piled upon another, for immemorial ages, and 
 the first stratum in this mighty pile of generations is as 
 important to the integrity of the whole as this last 
 boasting present upon which we stand. We simply 
 attest our own folly when we think the past gener- 
 ations of men were fools. Who hewed out the ternplo 
 in the caverns of Elephanta ? Who built the great wall 
 of China ? Who carved the great eagle in the Corin- 
 thian palace at Baalbcc ? Who lifted the masses of 
 Stonehengc ? Who reared the tower of Shinar's plain ? 
 Who built the pyramids of Egypt ? Not fools, gentle- 
 men ! 
 
 Who wrote the Morals of Confucius, the Oracles of 
 Zoroaster, the Fragments of Manctho, the Similitudes 
 of Dcmophilis, the Laws of Solon and Lycurgus, and 
 the Voyages of Hanno ? Not fools, gentlemen ! 
 
 Who were Pythagoras, Homer, Plato, Seneca, Aris- 
 totle, and Socrates ? And who were Hessiod, E.schylus. 
 Sophocles, Aristophanes, Isocratcs, Lucian, Longinus 
 Euclid, Xenophon, Strabo, Plutarch, Herodotus, De 
 mosthenes, and an innumerable company like them ' 
 Not fools, gentlemen! Ah, no; and how small an 
 the greatest of us when measured by them ! And what 
 pigmies should we be without the wisdom which thev 
 imparted to the generations that succeeded them ! 
 After all our swelling pride, these lines of the poet are 
 
126 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 an inventory of the greatest things of which we can 
 boast : 
 
 " I am owner of the sphere, 
 The seven stars, and solar year, 
 Of Cresar's hand, and Plato's brain, 
 Of Lord Christ's heart, and Shakespeare's strain." 
 
 SPEECH ON THE POWER OF THE UNITED STATES 
 TO LEGALLY ACQUIRE MEXICO AND CENTRAL 
 AMERICA. 
 
 At a dinner-party of statesmen and diplomatic gen- 
 tlemen, the subject of the rival interests of England 
 and America, in the Central American, Mexican, and 
 Cuban questions, became the subject of discussion. A 
 distinguished English gentleman argued that America 
 could never extend her boundaries in that direction 
 without a breach of international law, which Eng- 
 land would feel itself forced to interfere to pre- 
 vent. 
 
 An American gentleman replied, that he was aware 
 the American and English press had long appeared 
 to be laboring with mutual anxiety in relation to the 
 final settlement of this question ; and there can be no 
 doubt that a feeling of painful alarm has rested upon 
 the minds of the more conservative people of both 
 countries. And yet I confess myself unable to see any 
 probable, or even possible, ground of collision between 
 the two governments on this question. No doubt Eng- 
 
SPEECH OX THE UNITED STATES. 127 
 
 land would hate to see the States of Central America, 
 .and Mexico, and Cuba, absorbed by the United States, 
 and it is a very great doubt if it would be for the 
 health and happiness of our country to do it j but 
 that we can do it without violating any law, or taking 
 any step that England can rightfully object to, is very 
 evident to my mind. Indeed, if our government pleases 
 to be so unwisely ambitious as to treat every State on 
 this continent as the boa constrictor treats its victims 
 slobber them all over, and then swallow them Eng- 
 land cannot, and dare not, seriously interfere to pre- 
 vent us. Reasons as potent as those which made her 
 finally hold her peace when we acquired Texas and 
 California, would apply to every inch of territory on 
 this continent, if we chose to make them. For it is 
 not only the settled practice of the United States, but 
 it is tlio rule of the English government itself, to ac- 
 knowledge the de facto government of any country as 
 its rightful government, without the least regard to its 
 origin without pausing to ask whether it is the child 
 of long descent, or the offspring of recent revolution. 
 England dare not quarrel with us for observing that 
 rule ; and, under it, we can safely acquire whatever 
 territory may be an object of desire to us. We are 
 speaking now, not of what would be wise for us to do, 
 but of what we legally have the power to do. 
 
 A spirit of enterprise and adventure is the ruling 
 characteristic of the American people, and it is not in 
 the power of our government, if it were its wish, to 
 prevent them from seeking their fortunes in whatever 
 new fields may tempt their ambition. They may peace- 
 
128 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKEK. 
 
 ably emigrate to any spot they please ; may buy lands, 
 or squat on unoccupied land ; may multiply and at- 
 tract others until they become an element of their own, 
 and then quickly acquire a power that is necessarily in 
 active conflict with the lower civilization of the country 
 of their adoption, and which in time must result in revo- 
 lution, and that is followed by independence, or the 
 establishment of a new government all of which nei- 
 ther America nor England can prevent. It may be 
 sneered at as " manifest destiny/' but it is manifest des- 
 tiny, nevertheless. America has nothing to do but to 
 acknowledge the de facto government, whatever its 
 origin, and where and how could England interfere ? 
 The principle is one which England is not entitled to 
 dispute. It is one which she has adopted and acted upon 
 herself. And it is, moreover, a principle of unques- 
 tionable soundness and justice. Our alliances ar with 
 nations, not with dynasties. "Whatever form of gov- 
 ernment a people choose, or acknowledge, that govern- 
 ment is recognized as soon as it is bond fide established, 
 even though it had its origin in revolution or usurpa- 
 tion. Thus England did not hesitate to recognize the 
 South American Republics, when they threw off the 
 dominion of the Spanish Crown. Thus, too, she recog- 
 nized Louis Phillippe, as king of France, when the 
 revolution of July placed him on his cousin *s throne. 
 So it also recognized that brief and abortive French 
 Republic, which had Lamartine for its President : and 
 soon afterwards acknowledged Louis Napoleon as 
 Emperor, because he was so de facto, notwithstanding 
 large numbers of his own countrymen, and the civil- 
 
SPEECH OF AN AUTHOR. 
 
 izcd world, persisted in regarding him as a military 
 tyrant and usurper. 
 
 As a matter of international law, whoever becomes 
 the governors of the Central American States, or of 
 Mexico, or of any other States of this continent, the 
 United States may recognize them, and thereby aid 
 them to become permanently established, or allow them 
 to annex themselves to us, and England has no legal 
 right to interfere. She may bluster a little, and pro- 
 test a good deal, but still we can legally go on, if we 
 wish to, until 
 
 " The whole boundless continent is ours." 
 
 SPEECH OF AN AUTHOR, 
 
 A popular author being almost forced up to speati, 
 declared that he had no subject to speak upon, when 
 one of the company said, " Why, speak about authors, 
 and begin with a description of their modern wrongs." 
 " And that," replied the author, " is precisely a subject 
 on which I have nothing to say, because I do not 
 believe there ever was a time when authors were used 
 better than they are nowadays. Homer was a beg- 
 gar, and Plautus died in jail. Tasso nearly starved 
 to death, while Cervantes actually died of hunger, and 
 Camoens ended his days in an alms-house. Bacon led 
 a life of meanness and distress, and tbe charming 
 6* 
 
130 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 Spenser died of want and neglect. So did Collins. 
 Milton did not receive as much for his Paradise Lost 
 as a modern author gets for a shilling novel he re- 
 ceiving for that immortal work but fifteen pounds, in 
 three payments ; and the great author finished his days 
 in obscurity. Dryden lived in poverty and distress. 
 Otway died in the street, of hunger. Steele's life was a 
 perpetual warfare with the bailiffs. Goldsmith was 
 no better off; and Fielding lies buried in a factory 
 burying-ground at Lisbon, without a stone to mark 
 the spot. Savage died in the poor-debtor's prison at 
 Bristol. Butler, Churchill, and Chatterton were little 
 better off. Colton, the author of Lacon, etc., blew 
 out his brains in a fit of madness produced by absolute 
 want. What a tale of poverty and misery is the life 
 of Ben Jonson ! Shakespeare, and the great authors of 
 his time, did not sleep on beds of down, in gardens of 
 roses. The bright and beautiful Shelley led a life 
 of unrest and sorrow. 
 
 " Now, gentlemen, how shall we talk of the wrongs 
 of modern authors, whilst these terrible facts arc 
 scowling upon us out of the past ? 
 
 " The only reward which Theodore Gaza received 
 from Sixtus IV. for his dedication of the Treatise of 
 Aristotle on the Nature of Animals, was the price of 
 the binding of his book, which the Pope generously 
 repaid to him, and which the author accepted. Tasso 
 was not more successful with his dedications. Ariosto, 
 in presenting his poems to the cardinal d'Estc, was 
 saluted with sarcasm, which will be remembered a& 
 long as his works. The old historian, Dupleix, a very 
 
SPEECH OF AN AUTHOR. 131 
 
 clever author, presented one of his Looks to the Duke 
 of d'Epcrnin, and that nobleman turned abruptly 
 towards the Pope's nuncio, who was present, and 
 remarked, ' This is one of your breeding authors ; he 
 is delivered of a book every month.' 
 
 " Burnet speaks of * one Prior/ and Whitlock of 
 1 one Milton, a blind man.' And yet we cannot deny 
 that Burnet and Whitlock were men of talents and 
 reputation themselves. But we read in Heath, an 
 obscure chronicler of civil wars, that ' one Milton, 
 since stricken with blindness, wrote against Salmasius, 
 and composed an impudent and blasphemous book 
 called Iconoclastes.' 
 
 " One of those ignorant, but successful booksellers 
 in Paternoster-row, who published things in numbers, 
 went to Gibbon's lodgings in St. James street, and 
 addressed the great author as follows : ' Sir, I am now 
 publishing a History of England, done by several good 
 hands. I understand that you have a knack of them 
 there things, and should be glad to give you every 
 reasonable encouragement.' 
 
 " As soon as Gibbon recovered the use of his legs 
 and tongue, which were petrified with surprise, he ran 
 to the bell, and ordered his servant to * show this en- 
 courager of learning down stairs.' 
 
 "Now, how shall we complain of a want of duo 
 respect to the profession of an author, as a modern 
 vice, when such authors as Gibbon could be thus 
 approached in his time? 
 
 "No, gentlemen, modern authors have' no reason to 
 complain either of the publishers or the public. If 
 
132 THE MODEL SPEECH-MAKER. 
 
 the publishers and the public are willing to hold their 
 place, my advice to the authors is, to keep quiet on this 
 subject ; unless they open their mouths to say, with 
 Juvenal, Periturce partite chartce ' spare a few sheets 
 already doomed to die.' " 
 
THE 
 
 TOAST-MASTER'S COMPANION. 
 
 THERE is nothing in which men more conspicuously 
 show their wit or their want of it than in giving 
 toasts at public dinners. Some sparkling wit, or some 
 fine sentiment, is always expected in a toast. A great 
 deal of meaning is to be conveyed in the fewest words. 
 As a rule, it is safe to say that a toast which is not 
 embraced in a single sentence is spoiled by being too 
 long. 
 
 In giving a volunteer toast, do not attempt to strain 
 to be witty, for if you do, you will probably make 
 yourself ridiculous. Not long since, a bright genius 
 gave the following volunteer toast, at a dinner given 
 to a New York editor who had just arrived from 
 Europe : 
 
 " The health of , who like our own eagle slum- 
 bers amidst the buzz of insects, careless of what is 
 passing until touched on some sore spot, when he 
 flaps his wings, screams, and scatters them to the 
 winds." 
 
 It is hard work to conceive how the gentleman, thus 
 complimented, could enjoy the flattering comparison 
 which makes him sleep amidst "insects" until some 
 
 (133) 
 
cruel wretch touches him " on some sore spot? which 
 wakes him up, and causes him to "flap his wings" and 
 " scream" and " scatter" the aforesaid " insects" about 
 him, until the very wind of heaven is lousy with his 
 enemies. 
 
 In giving toasts it is better to err on the side of 
 modesty, and do too little than to attempt to much. 
 Wit is a sharp weapon, and a dangerous one in the 
 hands of a blockhead. The moral of the story of the 
 monkey, who attempted to shave himself with his mas- 
 ter's razor, applies just as well in this place : 
 
 " Though others use them well yet fools 
 Should never meddle with edge-tools." 
 
 It is best for a gentleman, who is going to a dinner 
 where toasting and drinking may be the order of the 
 day, to arm himself with at least one good toast be- 
 forehand ; so, if the occasion fail to suggest a better 
 one, he can fall back upon the one already prepared. 
 
 PATRIOTIC TOASTS. 
 
 Our country, our whole country, and nothing but our 
 country. 
 
 America The birthplace of liberty, and the asylum 
 for the oppressed of every land. 
 
 The Union No north, no south, no east, no west, but 
 one and indivisible. 
 
PATRIOTIC TOASTS. 135 
 
 Our Native Land May it ever continue the abode of 
 freedom, and the birthplace of heroes. 
 
 American Commerce May it be universally extended. 
 
 Confusion to those fanatics who conspire against the 
 union of the States. 
 
 The next President of the United States under his 
 administration may neither demagogues nor thieves 
 find place and office. 
 
 Liberty all over the world. 
 
 Free commerce for a free people. 
 
 Liberty May it never degenerate into licentiousness. 
 
 Disgrace to the enemies of the Constitution. 
 
 Wealth, security, and resistance to oppression. 
 
 Obedience to the laws. 
 
 Our Judiciary The sword of justice in the hand of 
 mercy. 
 
 Disgrace to all malcontents, and a speedy end to all 
 disscntions. 
 
 American Heraldry An honest heart, icith the breast 
 of nature's nobleman. 
 
136 
 
 May foreign fashions never corrupt American manners. 
 
 May the ambitious demagogue, who strives to dis- 
 sever the union of these States, succeed in rising as 
 high as the gallows. 
 
 The Fathers of our Revolution May their sons never 
 disgrace their parentage. 
 
 May our love for our country be without bounds, and 
 our love of justice without fear. 
 
 The American Eagle May she build her nest in every 
 forest on this continent. 
 
 American Yalor May it shine in the face of all 
 nations. 
 
 The American People May they ever be blessed with 
 political peace and domestic happiness. 
 
 May every American, when his country calls, spring 
 forth to meet his country's foe. 
 
 The Defence of our Country May our soldiers be 
 quick to strike, and strike home. 
 
 May all Americans share equally the blessings of lib- 
 erty, and ever stand ready to contend for the rights 
 and liberties of mankind. 
 
 May those who are discontented with their own coun- 
 try, leave their country for their country's good. 
 
PATRIOTIC TOASTS. 137 
 
 The Boundaries of our Country East by the Atlantic 
 Ocean ; West, as far as we can get ; North, accord- 
 ing to circumstances ; and South, as far as we have i 
 mind to go. 
 
 Niagara Falls An emblem of the power of Americans 
 in battle. 
 
 Our Lakes and Rivers Inland seas that unite the 
 commerce of our States, and forever render their 
 separation impracticable and impossible. 
 
 The Virtue of our Wives and Daughters May it ever 
 remain as pure as the air of our valleys, and as firm 
 as the rocks of our mountains. 
 
 May our sons be as honest as they are brave, and our 
 daughters as modest as they are fair. 
 
 Our Statesmen May they ever be distinguished for 
 their love of liberty and true patriotism. 
 
 A hempen neckcloth for all traitors. 
 
 May he who would destroy the union of his countr} 
 for a mess of pottage, never get the mess of pottage 
 
 May he who would uproot the tree of liberty, be crush- 
 ed by its fall. 
 
 May the adjective glorious ever be joined to the sub- 
 stantive America. 
 
138 THE TOAST-MASTER'S COMPANION. 
 
 American Commerce May it be commander-in-cliief 
 of the ocean. 
 
 The Progress of our Country May it never "be fet- 
 tered by faction. 
 
 May he who betrays his country never find a country 
 to shelter him. 
 
 Uncle Sam May the venerable old gentleman soon 
 sweep our legislative halls clean of pugilists, duel- 
 ists, and thieves. 
 
 The Ballot-box May the vigilance of the people pre- 
 serve it from the corruption of faction. 
 
 The Tree of Liberty May every American ever have 
 a belly full of its fruit. 
 
 May the liberty we enjoy never be used to subvert the 
 principles of freedom. 
 
 May the weight of our taxes never break the back of 
 our credit. 
 
 May the Sons of Liberty marry the Daughters of 
 Virtue. 
 
 Our Trade and Manufactures May they never be 
 cramped by the fetters of monopoly. 
 
 May civil and religious liberty ever go hand in hand. 
 
PATRIOTIC TOASTS. 139 
 
 May peace and plenty ever rest on the bosom of our 
 American soil. 
 
 May those who try to enrich themselves at the ex- 
 pense of our country, find " the devil to pay/ 7 and 
 plcLty of " pitch hot." 
 
 The watchword of America" Who's afraid ?" 
 May we ever enjoy freedom without/action. 
 
 May our country never cease to deserve wel 1 of us j 
 and may we never cease to deserve well of our 
 country. 
 
 Where liberty dawned, may it rise to its meridian 
 splendor. 
 
 In national disputes may we never engage in a bad 
 cause, and may we never fly from a good one. 
 
 Our Constitution May its unquiet foes find rest in a 
 halter. 
 
 The spot where we were born 
 
 " Where the women can love, and the men can all fight 
 The latter all day, and the former all night." 
 
 Our American Boys Who have arms for their givls, 
 or for their country's foes. 
 
 Religion without sectarianism, and politics without 
 faction. 
 
140 THE TOAST-MASTER'S COMPANION. 
 
 The land we live in Let liiin who don't like it, 
 leave it. 
 
 The Press May it ever be free without licentiousness, 
 and bold without intolerance. 
 
 To the memory of WEBSTER, CLAY, and JACKSON 
 The brain, the tongue, and the sivord of the Consti- 
 tution. 
 
 The upright elector who never sells his vote. 
 
 The Three great American Generals General Peace, 
 General Prosperity, and General Satisfaction. 
 
 Success to Navigation and Commerce. 
 
 Success to the Promoters of Commerce. 
 
 May our Commerce, like our shadows, never be less. 
 
 American Commerce May it never be dull, but 
 always be well Japanned. 
 
 NAVAL AND MILITARY TOASTS. 
 
 Our Army and Navy The gallant sentinels of the na 
 tion's honor by land and sea, at home and abroad. 
 
 The Army and Navy Those twin giant defenders of 
 our nation's rights and our nation's glory. 
 
NAVAL AND MILITARY TOASTS. 141 
 
 The American Flag May it ever wave over tlic home 
 of the free and the land of the brave. 
 
 An Army to stand, but not a Standing Army. 
 
 Health to our Brave Sailors, and a speedy calm to the 
 storms of life. 
 
 Health to the Gallant Officers of our Army and Navy. 
 After the battles and storms of life are over, may 
 thcy drop quietly and trustingly into the harbor 
 of eternal bliss. 
 
 Good ships, fair winds, and brave seamen. 
 
 May the arms of our soldiers never be used except 
 against our country's foe. 
 
 May the tar who loses one eye in defence of his coun- 
 try, never see distress with the other. 
 
 May the Ensigns of the American Navy ever prove a 
 harbinger of dismay and defeat to our enemies, 
 aud of confidence and security to our friends. 
 
 May our sailors, like our ships, have hearts of oak. 
 
 The Officers and Sailors of our Navy May their hard 
 ships at sea prove hardships indeed to our foes. 
 
 Our Naval Commanders May they ever be lords of 
 the main. 
 
142 THE TOAST-MASTER'S COMPANION. 
 
 " May the tars of Columbia triumphantly sail, 
 And over her enemies always prevail." 
 
 May the brave soldier, who never turned his back to 
 the enemy, never have a friend turn his back upon 
 him. 
 
 May American fortitude and courage ever mock at 
 trial and danger. 
 
 May the old American tar, who has been tempest- 
 tossed at sea, always find a welcome on his native 
 shore. 
 
 May every mutinous spirit find no place to anchor but 
 in the dead sea. 
 
 Staunch ships, well rigged, and brave tars to man 
 them. 
 
 Health to Soldiers, Sailors, and all jolly fellows. 
 
 The A merican Navy May it ever sail on a sea of 
 glory, be wafted by the gales of prosperity, guided 
 by the compass of justice, and enter the port of vic- 
 tory. 
 
 To the sweet little cherub tha+ sits up aloft, to keep 
 watch for the life of poor Jack. 
 
 To the memory of the Father of his Country Wash 
 ington. 
 
DRIXKIXG TOASTS. 143 
 
 The memory of those who fought and bled with Wash- 
 ington to secure our independence. 
 
 The glorious memory of our ancestors, who shed their 
 life's-blood to establish our liberty. 
 
 " The wind that blows, 
 
 The ship that goes, 
 And the lass that loves a sailor." 
 
 The discoverer of the New World Columbus. 
 
 DRINKING TOASTS. 
 A friend, and a bottle to give him. 
 
 A good supper, a good bottle, and a good bed to every 
 good fellow. 
 
 A full belly, a heavy purse, and a light heart. 
 
 A bottle at night, and business in the morning. 
 
 ^ 
 Beauty, wit, and wine. 
 
 Clean glasses and old corks. 
 
 Champagne for our real friends, and real pain frr oar 
 sham friends. 
 
 Good wine, good company, and good opportunity. 
 
1-14 THE TOAST-MASTER'S COMPANION. 
 
 May we never want for wine, nor for a friend to help 
 drink it. 
 
 May friendship draw the cork, and love the curtain. 
 May we never see a frown in a bumper of wine. 
 May all our cares be drowned in wine. 
 
 "May we always mingle in the friendly bowl, 
 The feast of reason, and the flow of soul" 
 
 Old wine and young women. 
 
 Here's to the heart that fills as the bottle empties. 
 
 The delights of music, love, and wine. 
 
 To the big-bellied bottle. 
 
 Wine and women may we never be too old to have a 
 taste for both. 
 
 One wife, one bottle, and one friend the first, beauti 
 ful ; the second, full ; and the last, ever faithful. 
 
 Here's to Bacchus' blisses, and Venus' kisses. , 
 
 " Come, push the goblet round, 
 
 And drive away dull sorrow ; 
 Come, push the goblet round, 
 And give us more to-morrow." 
 
 Delicate wine and susceptible maidens. 
 
TOASTS FOR ALL PROFESSIONS. 145 
 
 " Come, fill the bowl, each jolly soul, 
 
 Let Bacchus guide our revels ; 
 
 Join cup to lip, with ' hip, hip, hip,' 
 
 And throttle the blue devils." 
 
 May the cup flow with nectar, that is pressed by wo- 
 man's lip. 
 
 May the flowing bowl be the grave of sorrow and 
 care. 
 
 " One bumper at parting ! though many 
 
 Have circled the board since we met, 
 The fullest, the saddest of any, 
 
 Remains to be crowned by us yet. 
 The sweetness that pleasure has in it 
 
 Is always so slow to come forth, 
 That seldom, alas I till the minute 
 
 It dies, do we know half its worth I 
 But, oh 1 may our life's happy measure 
 
 Be all of such moments made up, 
 They're born on the bosom of pleasure, 
 
 They die in the tears of the cup." 
 
 TOASTS FOR ALL PROFESSIONS. 
 THE SURGEON A man who bleeds for his countrymen. 
 
 THE GLAZIER Who constantly takes pains (panes) 
 '- that other people may see dearly. 
 
 THE BAKER May he never be done so much as to 
 make him crusty. 
 
 7 
 
146 THE TOAST-MASTER'S COMPANION. 
 
 THE PRINTER May his form be well locked up in the 
 
 arms of a charming wife. 
 May he never know what it is to want a quoin. 
 
 THE TINKER A devout man, whose life is spent in a 
 pilgrimage, to mend the mistakes and repair the 
 wastes which other people have made 
 
 THE FIREMAN The sentinel of our homes ; may he 
 burn only with ardor to protect the property and 
 life of the city. 
 
 May the flames of dissention never find fuel in his 
 heart. 
 
 The Fire-Department the army that draws water in- 
 stead of blood, and thanks instead of tears. 
 
 THE CARPENTER May he have a warm house and 
 good "boarding. 
 
 THE ACTOR A bumper every night. 
 
 THE PLUMBER Though his business is to furnish man- 
 kind with the dumb blessings of light and water, 
 may he be a good spouter, and easily turn his lead 
 into gold. 
 
 THE BLACKSMITH In every speculation may he always 
 hit the nail on the head. 
 
 THE BANKER May he always draw upon content for 
 the deficiency of fortune. 
 
TOASTS FOR ALL PROFESSIONS. 147 
 
 THE ROAD-MAKER A hiyhivayman who deserves well 
 of his country. 
 
 A CARD-MAKER May he often turn up trumps. 
 
 A COAL MERCHANT May his customers ever be grate- 
 full 
 
 AN AUCTIONEER jrfy knocking down may he ever rise 
 in the world. 
 
 THE DISTILLER May he never be out of spirits. 
 
 THE COACH-MAKER -May all his wheels be those of 
 fortune. 
 
 THE PAINTER May he have a good pallet, and plenty 
 to gratify his taste. 
 
 EVERY MAN'S WIF:^ May the lightning of luer eye 
 never cause him to be afraid of thunder. 
 
 THE SADDLER May he sit upon a soft cushion, and 
 never have the misdeeds of others saddled upon 
 him. 
 
 THE BOOK-KEEPER May he faithfully keep Ms boofo, 
 and may his books keep him. 
 
148 THE TO AST-M ASTER'S COMPANION. 
 
 AMATORY TOASTS. 
 The Fairest Work of Nature Woman. 
 
 All that Love can give and the Heart enjoy. 
 Beauty's best Companion Modesty. 
 
 Charms to strike the Sight, and Merit to win the 
 Heart. 
 
 Happy Lovers and Merry Maids. 
 
 Love without licentiousness, and Pleasure without ex- 
 cess. 
 
 Love without deceit, and Matrimony without regret. 
 Love to one, Friendship to a few, and Good-will to all. 
 
 May Love and Reason be friends, and Beauty and 
 Yirtue marry. 
 
 May Love's Labor never be lost. 
 
 May the villain who robs a woman of her virtue, die 
 without a friend. 
 
 May the Flame of Love never burn up the spark that 
 kindled it. 
 
AMATORY TOASTS. 149 
 
 May we kiss whom we please, and please whom we 
 kiss. 
 
 The Lass that we love. 
 
 Sincerity before Marriage, and Fidelity afterwards. 
 
 " May woman's breast be pleasure's couch, 
 
 But free from thoughts unholy ; 
 May it be warm to virtue's touch, 
 But cold as ice to folly." 
 
 The kiss of Love on the lip of Innocence. 
 
 The Dimpled Cheek May it never be marked with 
 the furrows of shame. 
 
 The Rose of the Yalley May it never be rifled of its 
 fragrance. 
 
 The Village Maid May she remain so till she gets a 
 good husband. 
 
 " A cheerful glass, a pretty lass, 
 
 A friend sincere and true ; 
 Blooming health, good store of wealth, 
 Attend on me and you." 
 
 May he who would plant a Thorn in the bosom of Tn 
 nocence, die in a bed of Nettles. 
 
 The Cot of Content and the Bosom of Love. 
 
150 THE TOAST-MASTER'S COMPANION. 
 
 " Drink ye to her that each loves best, 
 
 And if ye nurse a flame 
 That's told but to her mutual breast, 
 We will not ask her name." 
 
 KATE, in a bumper, wherever she goes. 
 
 Woman's Lips, and Woman's Heat i May the former 
 be sealed when the latter is not open. 
 
 LITERARY AND ARTISTIC. 
 The father of English poetry GecJVey Chaucer. 
 
 The prince of colorists Titian. 
 
 The founder of poetical romance Luigi Pulci. 
 
 The father of experimental philosophy Sir Hum- 
 phry Davy. 
 
 The father of modern philosophy Roger Bacon. 
 
 The father of Italian poetry Dantj. 
 
 The poet of love Petrarch. 
 
 The father of Italian prose Boccaccio. 
 
LITERARY AND ARTISTIC. 151 
 
 The father of engraving Albert Durer. 
 
 The first English printer William Caxton. 
 
 The prince of poetical romance writers Ariosto. 
 
 The prince of novelists Cervantes. 
 
 The prince of Spanish poets Lopez de Yega. 
 
 The father of French tragedy Corneille. 
 
 The prince of portrait painters Vandyek. 
 
 The prince of musicians Mozart. 
 
 The Milton of music Handel. 
 
 The English Anacreon Robert Herrick. 
 
 The prince of landscape painters Claude Lorraine. 
 
 The father of modern prose humor Rabelais. 
 
 The prince of painters Raphael. 
 
 The father of modern essayists Montaigne. 
 
 The father of biography Plutarch. 
 
152 THE TOAST-MASTER'S COMPANION. 
 
 The prince of Portuguese poets Camoens. 
 
 The prince of Italian composers Paissello. 
 
 The prince of dramatic poets Shakespeare. 
 
 The prince of actors Garricli , 
 
 The father of tragedy JEschylus. 
 
 The inventor of the stage Thespis. 
 
 The father of history Herodotus. 
 
 The great founder of practical philosophy Socrates, 
 
 The prince of sculptors Phidias. 
 
 The father of comedy Eupolis. 
 
 The prince of orators Demosthenes. 
 
 The father of mechanics Archimedes. 
 
 The prince of pastoral poets -Theocritus. 
 
 The father of Latin comedy Plautus. 
 
 The father of modern satirical painting Hogarth. 
 
 The prince of Italian dramatists Alfieri. 
 
MISCELLANEOUS TOASTS. 153 
 
 The father of French comedy Moliere. 
 The prince of Scotch poets Robert Burns. 
 
 The father of American novel- writing Charles Bro ol- 
 den Brown. 
 
 The prince of American authors and humorists 
 Washington Irving. 
 
 The American song-writer George P. Morris. 
 The inventor of steamboats Robert Fulton. 
 
 MISCELLANEOUS TOASTS. 
 
 A warm house, a good wife, a fine horse, and a snug 
 estate to all who deserve them. 
 
 Any tales but tell-tales. 
 
 An honest lawyer, a pious divine, and a skilful phy- 
 sician. 
 
 All of fortune's daughters, except miss-fortune. 
 To all absent friends. 
 
 A head to earn and a heart to spend. 
 7* 
 
154 THE TOAST-MASTER'S COMPANION. 
 
 "A friend in the morning, a swer oheart at night, 
 To fill us with pleasure and bli&uul delight." 
 
 A heavy purse and a light heart. 
 
 A. freehold in a pleasant country, lightly taxed, and 
 unmortgaged. 
 
 A health to those we love best. 
 
 A health to our friends, our sweethearts, and wives. 
 
 Charity without ostentation, and religion without 
 bigotry. 
 
 " Come, fill a bumper, fill i 
 May mirth, and wine, and wit abound ; 
 In them alone true wisdom lies 
 For to be merry 's to be wise." 
 
 Let dull care be drowned in sparkling wine. 
 
 Equal punishment to the ragged rascal and the rich 
 villain. 
 
 Freedom's fire May it never go out. 
 
 ' Come, fill up your glasses and join in the chant, 
 For no pleasure's like drinking good ale, you must grant; 
 Then let this be our toast, while dull care we assail - 
 May we ne'er want a friend, or a glass of good ale.'' 
 
 Here's good health to everybody, lest somebody should 
 feel himself slighted. 
 
MISCELLANEOUS TOASTS. 155 
 
 However rough the road of life, may we jog merrily 
 on to the end of our journey. 
 
 ! 
 
 Liberality in booksellers, and integrity in authors. 
 
 Lovely women May they ever find protection and 
 pleasure under our military and naval power. 
 
 May we be able to look forward with pleasure, and 
 backward without regret. 
 
 May we never break a joke over the head of repu- 
 tation. 
 
 May our injuries be written in sand, and our friend- 
 ships in marble. 
 
 May the morning of prosperity not be forgotten in the 
 evening of adversity. 
 
 May flattery never sit in the parlor, nor plain dealing 
 be kicked out of doors. 
 
 May we look around us with pleasure, and above ua 
 with gratitude. 
 
 May we never swear an honest girl out of her virtue, 
 nor an honest man out of a just debt. 
 
 May the sunshine of plenty dispel the clouds of care. 
 May temptation never conquer virtue. 
 
156 THE TOAST-MASTER'S COMPANION. 
 
 May we never feel want, nor want feeling. 
 
 Hay hemp bind those whom honor and the laws can 
 not. 
 
 May we never murmur without a cause, nor have cause 
 to murmur. 
 
 May we never make a sword of our tongues to wound 
 the reputation of others. 
 
 May hope be the physician when calamity is the disease. 
 
 May fortune recover her eyesight, and be just in the 
 distribution of her favors. 
 
 May we always part with regret, and meet again -v\lth 
 pleasure. 
 
 May prudence and temperance be crowned with length 
 of days. 
 
 May we be able to shun law and the devil. 
 May we always command success by deserving it. 
 
 May all men of base principles be abandoned by 1heh 
 principles. 
 
 May the best day we have seen be the worst that is to 
 come. 
 
MISCELLANEOUS TOASTS. 157 
 
 May truth and liberty prevail throughout the world. 
 
 May the present meeting be oft repeated. 
 
 May love and honor be inseparable. 
 
 May we never skin our eels till we get them. 
 
 " May those that are single get wives to their mind, 
 And those that are married, true happiness find ." 
 
 May the heart never know a transport, that can never 
 feel a pain. 
 
 May you live to be old, and I be a witness of it. 
 
 May he who is an ass, and takes himself to be a deer, 
 find out his mistake when he comes to leap a ditcl . 
 
 May we either say nothing of the absent, or speak f 
 them like a friend. 
 
 May curses, like chickens, go home to roost. 
 
 " May the hallowed name of wife 
 
 Bring us rapture, truth, and health : 
 Her breast our pillow, her arms our home, 
 Her heart our dearest wealth." 
 
 May the man who does not love his native country 
 neither live, die, nor be buried in it. 
 
 May we always find a spark of youthful fire beneath 
 the frost of age. 
 
158 THE TOAST-MASTER'S COMPANION. 
 
 May our cutting satire never cut a friend. 
 
 May the flower of affection never wither or decay. 
 
 " May this be our maxim where'er we are twirl'd, 
 ' A fig for the cares of the whirl-a-gig world.' " 
 
 May we never hesitate to cut a friend when he shuffles. 
 
 il May we with Momus and the god of wine, 
 Defy old care and father time." 
 
 May genius always beam in radiance from the Ameri- 
 can stage. 
 
 May wit never raise a blush on the face of beauty. 
 
 " May we ne'er forget the immortal poet's line, 
 1 To err is human to forgive, divine.' " 
 
 May superstition never make fools of the wise. 
 
 May every rake review his progress, and every harlot 
 reform. 
 
 " The man that will not be merry 
 
 With a pretty girl in bed, 
 Send him to sea in a wherry, 
 And we be put in his stead." 
 
 The brave women who stood by the guns of our fore- 
 fathers. 
 
 Woman's smile and woman's tear one to enliven, thr 
 other to soften the heart of man. 
 
MASONIC TOASTS. 159 
 
 " Here's to the maiden of bashful sixteen, 
 
 Likewise to the widow of fifty, 
 Here's to the bold and extravagant quean, 
 And here's to the housewife that's thrifty. 
 Let the toast pass, 
 Drink to the lass, 
 I'll warrant she'll prove an excuse for the glass." 
 
 May we never want bread to make a toast. 
 May hunger never fail to find a good cook. 
 
 May the devil turn Don Giovanni, and elope with all 
 scolding wives. 
 
 11 To Yenus and Bacchus united, 
 
 Of whom jolly mortals all boast, 
 May they, to our board oft invited, 
 Be always the general toast." 
 
 May all single men be married, and all married men 
 be happy. 
 
 MASONIC TOASTS. 
 
 " Let us toast every brother, both ancient and young, 
 Who bridles his passions and governs his tongue." 
 
 A proper application of the 24-inch gauge, so that we 
 may measure out and husband our time wisely. 
 
 All the friends of the craft 
 
160 THE TOAST-MASTER'S COMPANION. 
 
 All free-born sons of the ancient and honorable c ;ft. 
 
 As we meet upon the level, may we part upoi the 
 square. 
 
 All faithful and true brothers. 
 
 All brothers who have been grand masters. 
 
 Every brother who keeps the key of knowledge from 
 intruders, but cheerfully gives it to a worthy 
 brother. 
 
 Every brother who maintains a consistency in love, 
 and sincerity in friendship. 
 
 Every worthy brother who was at first duly prepared, 
 and whose heart still retains an awful regard to 
 the three great* lights of masonry. 
 
 Golden eggs to every brother, and goldfinches to our 
 lodge. 
 
 Honor and influence to every public-spirited brother. 
 
 May every worthy brother who is willing to work 
 and labor through the day, be happy at night with 
 his friend, his love, and a cheerful glass. 
 
 May all freemasons be enabled to act in strict con 
 formity to the rules of their order. 
 
MASONIC TOASTS. 161 
 
 May our actions as masons be properly squared. 
 
 " May masonry flourish till nature expire, 
 And its glories ne'er fade till the world is on fire." 
 
 May the brethren of our glorious craft be ever dis- 
 tinguished in the world by their regular lives, more 
 than by their gloves and aprons. 
 
 May concord, peace, and harmony subsist in all regu- 
 lar lodges, and always distinguish freemasons. 
 
 May masonry prove as universal as it is honorable 
 and useful. 
 
 May every brother learn to live within the compass, 
 and watch upon the square. 
 
 May the lodges in this place be distinguished for love, 
 peace, aud harmony. 
 
 May peace, harmony, and concord subsist among free- 
 masons, and may every idle dispute and frivolous 
 distinction be buried in oblivion. 
 
 May the prospect of riches never induce a mason to 
 do that which is repugnant to virtue. 
 
 May the square, plumb-line, and level, regulate tho 
 conduct of every brother. 
 
 May the morning have no occasion to censure the 
 night spent by freemasons. 
 
162 THE TOAST-MASTER'S COMPANION. 
 
 May the hearts of freemasons agree, although their 
 heads should differ. 
 
 May every mason participate in the happiness of a 
 brother. 
 
 May every brother have a heart to feel, and a hand to 
 give. 
 
 May discord, party rage, and insolence be for ever 
 rooted out from among masons. 
 
 May covetous cares be unknown to freemasons. 
 
 May all freemasons go hand-in-hand in the road of 
 virtue. 
 
 May we be more ready to correct our own faults than 
 to publish the errors of a brother. 
 
 May all freemasons live in love, and die in peace. 
 May love animate the heart of every mason. 
 
 May unity and love be ever stamped upon the mason's 
 mind. 
 
 May the frowns of resentment be unknown among us. 
 
 May every freemason be distinguished by the internal 
 ornament of an upright heart. 
 
MASONIC TOASTS. 163 
 
 May the brethren in this place be united to one and 
 another by the bond of love. 
 
 May the gentle spirit of love animate the heart of 
 every mason. 
 
 May every freemason have so much genuine philoso- 
 phy, that he may neither be too much exalted with 
 the smiles of prosperity, nor too much dejected 
 with the frowns of adversity. 
 
 May the conduct of masons be such as to convince the 
 world they dwell in light. 
 
 May every brother who is regularly entered bo in- 
 structed in the morals of masonry. 
 
 May no freemason taste the bitter apples of affliction. 
 
 May unity, friendship, and brotherly love ever dis- 
 tinguish the brethren of the ancient craft. 
 
 May we never condemn that in a brother which we 
 would pardon in ourselves. 
 
 May freemasons ever taste and relish the sweets of 
 domestic contentment. 
 
 May our conversation be such, that by it youth may 
 find instruction, women modesty, the aged respect, 
 and all men civility. 
 
164 THE TOAST-MASTER'S COMPANION. 
 
 May every freemason have peace, health, and plenty. 
 
 May the foundation of every regular lodge be solid, 
 its buildings sure, and its members numerous and 
 happy. 
 
 May every freemason find constancy in love, and sin- 
 cerity in friendship. 
 
 May hypocrisy, faction, and strife, be for ever rooted 
 from every lodge. 
 
 May every mason's conduct be such as to have an ap- 
 proving monitor. 
 
 May honor and honesty distinguish the brethren. 
 
 May our evening's diversion bear the morning's re- 
 flection. 
 
 May the mason's conduct be so uniform, that he may 
 not be ashamed to take a retrospective view of it. 
 
 May virtue ever direct our actions with respect to 
 ourselves, justice to those with whom we deal, 
 mercy, love, and charity to all mankind. 
 
 May no freemason desire plenty, but with the benev- 
 olent view to relieve the indigent. 
 
 May the cares which haunt the heart of the covetous 
 be unknown to the freemason. 
 
MASONIC TOASTS. 165 
 
 May all freemasons ever taste and relish the sweets 
 oi freedom. 
 
 Prosperity to masons and masonry. 
 
 Relief to all indigent brethren. 
 
 The female friends of freemasons. 
 
 To the perpetual honor of freemasonry. 
 
 The masters and wardens of all regular lodges. 
 
 To the secret and silent. 
 
 To all masons who walk by the line. 
 To the memory of the Tyrian artist. 
 To all who live within the compass and square. 
 
 To him that did the Temple rear, 
 Who lived and died within the square, 
 And lies interred there's none know where 
 But those who master-masons are. 
 
 To all the fraternity round the globe. 
 
 To the increase of perpetual friendship and peace 
 among the ancient craft. 
 
 To all upright and pure masons. 
 
166 THE TOAST-MASTER'S COMPANION. 
 
 To masons, and to masons' bairns, 
 And all the fair with wit and charms 
 Who bless the master masons' arms. 
 
 To every pure and faithful heart 
 That still preserves the secret art. 
 
 The keystone of the masonic arch. 
 
 To all true masons, and upright, 
 
 "Who saw the east where rose the light 
 
 To masonry, friendship, and love. 
 
 The mason who knows the tru<5 value of his tools. 
 
 Come, fill up a bumper, and let it go round, 
 May mirth and good-fellowship always abound; 
 
 And may the world see 
 
 That freemasonry 
 Doth teach honest hearts to be jovial and free 
 
ETIQUETTE OF THE DINNER-TABLE, 
 
 INVITATIONS TO DINNER. 
 
 INVITATIONS to dine, from a married party, are sent 
 in the name of the lady, in some such form as the follow- 
 ing : "Mrs. A. B. Smith's compliments to Mr. and Mrs. 
 Brown will be happy of their company at dinner, at 
 6 o'clock, Wednesday evening, May 9th." The answer 
 to invitations to dine, accepting or declining, should 
 be sent immediately, and are always addressed to the 
 lady. If, after you have accepted an invitation, any 
 thing occurs to render it impossible for you to go, the 
 lady should be informed of it immediately. It is a 
 great breach of etiquette not to answer an invitation 
 as soon after it is received as possible, and it is an in- 
 sult to disappoint when we have promised. 
 
 Invitations to dine from bachelors to a party of 
 bachelors, may be less formal. One of the wealthiest 
 bachelors of London, and a famous eater, always carries 
 his pockets full of cards, of which the following is an 
 exact copy " Turbot and Lobster, sir, at six ; shall 
 be happy of your company." These he is in the habit 
 of handing about very liberally. 
 
168 ETIQUETTE OF THE DINNER-TABLE. 
 
 Letters or cards of invitation should always name 
 the hour of dinner ; and well-bred people will arrive 
 as nearly at the specified time as they can. Be sure 
 and not be a minute behind the time, and you should 
 not get there long before, unless the invitation requests 
 you particularly to come early for a little chat before 
 dinner. 
 
 Always go to a dinner as neatly dressed as possible. 
 The expensiveness of your apparel is not of much im- 
 portance, but its freshness and cleanliness are indispens- 
 able. The hands and finger-nails require especial atten- 
 tion. It is a great insult to every lady at the table 
 for a man to sit down to dinner with his hands in a 
 bad condition. 
 
 MANNERS AT TABLE. 
 
 Nothing more plainly shows the well-bred man than 
 his manners at table. A man may be well dressed, 
 may converse well and these are all in his favor but 
 if he. is after all unrefined, his manners at table will 
 be sure to expose him. If he is " au fait " at dinner, 
 he has passed one of the severest tests of good breeding. 
 
 Any unpleasant peculiarity, abruptness, or coarse- 
 ness of manners, is especially offensive at table. 
 People are more easily disgusted at that time than at 
 any other. All such acts as leaning over on one side 
 
MANNERS AT TABLE. 
 
 in your own chair, placing your elbows on the table, 
 or on the back of your neighbor's chair, gaping, twist- 
 ing about restlessly in your seat, arc to be avoided as 
 heresies of the most infidel stamp at table. 
 
 Though the body at table should always be kept in 
 a tolerably upright and easy position, yet one need not 
 sit bolt-upright, as stiff and prim as a poker. To be 
 easy, to be natural, and to appear comfortable, is the 
 deportment required. 
 
 You will sip your soup as quietly as possible from 
 the side of th<? spoon, and you, of course, will not com- 
 mit the vulgarity of blowing in it, or trying to cool it, 
 after it is in your mouth, by drawing in an unusual 
 quantity of air, for by so doing you would be sure to 
 annoy, if you did not turn the stomach of the lady or 
 gentleman next to you. 
 
 The reason why it is considered impolite to take 
 soup or fish a second time, at a large party, is because 
 by so doing you keep the rest of the company staring 
 at you ; while the second course is in danger of being 
 spoiled waiting for you. It is the selfish greediness 
 of this act, therefore, that constitutes its vulgarity. 
 At a small family dinner, however, the same objections 
 do not hold good. 
 
 It is not considered proper to use your knife to con- 
 vey food to your mouth. This is one of the most arbi- 
 trary and, perhaps, least sensible rules of table eti- 
 8 
 
170 ETIQUETTE OF THE DINNER-TABLE. 
 
 quette. The reason for it probably is, that in convey- 
 ing food to the mouth on a knife, it is in some danger 
 of falling off and dropping back into the plate, or on 
 the table. The knife is used for cutting, and the fork 
 or spoon for feeding. Dr. Johnson and Dean Swift 
 used to pay little attention to this form of etiquette ; 
 but as you are neither Dr. Johnson nor Dean Swift, it 
 is doubtful if you can afford to disregard it. 
 
 Making a noise in chewing your food, or breathing 
 hard in eating, are unseemly habits, which will be 
 sure to get you a bad name at table, among people of 
 good breeding. Let it be a sacred rule that you can- 
 not use your knife, or fork, or teeth too quietly. 
 
 Avoid picking your teeth, if possible, at table, for 
 however agreeable such a practice might be to your- 
 self, it may be offensive to others. The habit which 
 some have of holding one hand over the mouth, does 
 not avoid the vulgarity of teeth-picking at table. 
 
 Neither ladies nor gentlemen ever wear gloves at 
 table, unless their hands, from some cause, are not fit 
 to be seen. 
 
 Avoid too slow or too rapid eating ; the one will 
 appear as though you did not like your dinner, and 
 the other as though you were afraid you would not get 
 enough. 
 
 It is not good taste to praise extravagantly every 
 
ON GIVING DINNERS. 171 
 
 dish that is set before you ; but, if there are some 
 things that are really very nice, it is well to speak in 
 their praise. But, above all things, avoid seeming in- 
 different to the dinner that is provided for you, as that 
 might be construed into a dissatisfaction with it. 
 When the Duke of Wellington was at Paris, as com- 
 mander of the allied armies, he was invited to dine 
 with Cambaceres, one of the most distinguished states- 
 men and gourmands of the time of Napoleon. In the 
 course of the dinner, his host having helped him to 
 some recherche dish, expressed a hope that he found it 
 agreeable. " Very good," said the Duke, " but I really 
 don't care what I eat.'"' " Good God !" exclaimed 
 Cambaceres, as he started back and dropped his fork, 
 " don't care what you eat ! What did you come here 
 for, then ?" At the time the Duke made this shocking 
 blunder, he was probably too much absorbed about 
 Waterloo to know what he was saying at table. 
 
 If you ask the waiter for anything, you will be care- 
 ful to speak to him gently in the tone of request, and 
 not of command. To speak to a waiter in a driving 
 manner will create, among well-bred people, the sus- 
 picion that you were sometime a servant yourself, and 
 are putting on airs at the thought of your promotion. 
 Lord Chesterfield says : " If I tell a footman to bring 
 me a glass of wine, in a rough, insulting manner, I 
 should expect that, in obeying me, he would contrive 
 to spill some of it upon me, and I am sure I should de- 
 serve it." 
 
172 ETIQUETTE OF THE DINNER-TABLE. 
 
 ON GIVING DINNERS. 
 
 It is a mistaken idea which many people entertain, 
 to suppose that a man can get either reputation or real 
 friends by giving a great many expensive dinners. In 
 the first place, if a man dines people beyond his means, 
 he gets a very bad reputation, and even the friends 
 who eat them go away despising the man for his folly 
 in inviting other people to eat up his substance. A 
 man who not long since absconded from New York, a 
 defaulter to the Federal Government, was so famous 
 for his splendid dinners, that even the friends who ate 
 them were prophesying for three years that he must, 
 in the end, come out a defaulter. While laughing 
 over his sparkling wine, it was still impossible to keep 
 the feeling of contempt from choking them in their 
 throats. 
 
 The most expensive and splendid dinners are not by 
 any means, necessarily, the most enjoyable and the 
 most desirable. The splendid Koman banquets, so 
 famous in history, were much more remarkable for 
 profusion and costliness than for tasi^e. The only 
 merit of a dish composed of the brains of five hundred 
 peacocks, or the tongues of five hundred nightingales, 
 must have been its dearness ; and if a mode of swal- 
 lowing the most money in a given time be the desider- 
 atum, commend us to Cleopatra's decoction of dia- 
 monds, though even this was fairly exceeded in origi- 
 nality and neatness of conception by the English 
 
ON GIVING DINNERS. 173 
 
 sailor, who placed a ten-pound note between two slices 
 of bread and butter, and made his black-eyed Susan 
 eat it as a sandwich. Capt. Morris, in one of his 
 songs, has set the proper value on such luxuries : 
 
 " Old Lucullus, they say, 
 
 Forty cooks had each day, 
 And Vitellius's meals cost a million ; 
 
 But I like what is good, 
 
 When or where be my food, 
 In a chop-house or royal pavilion. 
 
 " At all feasts, if enough, 
 
 I most heartily stuff, 
 And a song at my heart alike rushes ; 
 
 Though I've not fed my lungs 
 
 Upon nightingales' tongues, 
 Nor the brains of goldfinches and thrushes.' 
 
 The vulgar notion of associating gentility with ex- 
 pense and mere show, does not obtain among people 
 of substantial good breeding. The most expensive 
 banquets are often failures. Foote thus describes such 
 a one : " As to splendor, as far as it went, I admit it : 
 there was a very fine sideboard of plate and if a man 
 could have swallowed a silversmith's shop, there was 
 enough to satisfy him ; but as to all the rest, the mut 
 ton was white, the veal was red, the fish was kept too 
 long, the venison not kept long enough : to sum up 
 all, every thing was cold except the ice, and every 
 thing sour except the vinegar." 
 
174 ETIQUETTE OF THE DIXNEB-TABLB. 
 
 If you would really please your guests at dinner, 
 your care should be directed, not to the expense and 
 splendor of your china, but to the quality of your vict- 
 uals ; not so much to the number and variety of 
 dishes, as to their goodness. A single joint -well 
 cooked, with' the proper vegetables, will give better 
 satisfaction than a dozen kinds of meats and game, 
 badly cooked. Of all the annoyances at dinner, the 
 sight of a rare dish spoiled in the cooking and dress- 
 ing is the worst. Therefore, unless you are sure of 
 your cook, it is the safest way to confine your feast to 
 those plain staple dishes, in the preparation of which 
 it is not easy to get astray. 
 
 It is always best for the lady of the house, where a 
 dinner-party is to come off, to be dressed and ready 
 to appear in 'the drawing-room as early as possible, 
 so that if any of the guests should happen to come a 
 little early, she may be prepared to receive them. It 
 is awkward for both parties where visitors arrive be- 
 fore the lady of the house is ready for them. If it is 
 necessary for her to keep an eye upon the dinner, it is 
 still best that she should familiarly receive her guests, 
 and beg to be excused, if it is necessary for her to 
 vanish occasionally to the kitchen. A real lady is not 
 ashamed to have it known that she goes into the kitch- 
 en ; on the contrary, it is more likely that she will 
 be a little proud of being thought capable of superin- 
 tending the preparing feast. 
 
 It is not in good taste for the lady of the house, 
 
O>N GIVING DINNERS. 175 
 
 where a dinner is given, to dress very much. She 
 leaves it for her lady-guests to make what display they 
 please, and she offers no rivalry to their fine things. 
 She contents herself with a tasty neglige, which often 
 proves the most fascinating equipment after all, espe- 
 cially, if the cheeks become a little flushed with natu- 
 ral bloom, in consequence of the exercise and anxiety 
 incident to the reception of the guests. 
 
 When dinner is on the table, the lady and gentle- 
 man of the house will have an opportunity of showing 
 their tact by seeing that the most distinguished guests, 
 or the oldest, are shown into the dining-room first, and 
 by making those companions at the table who are 
 most likely to be agreeable to each other. The lady 
 of the house may lead the way, or follow her guests 
 into the dining-room, as she pleases. Among those 
 who delight to follow the etiquette of the English no- 
 bility, the latter practice is followed. But the prac- 
 tice must not be considered a test of good breeding in 
 America. If the lady leads, the husband will follow 
 behind the guests, with the lady on his arm who is to 
 sit at his side. The old custom is still followed to 
 some extent in this country, of the lady taking the head 
 of the table, with the two most favored guests seated, 
 the one at her right and the other at her left hand ; 
 while the gentleman of the house takes the foot of the 
 table, supported on each side by the two ladies most 
 entitled to consideration. But this old rule is by no 
 means slavishly followed in polite society in this 
 country. 
 
176 ETIQUETTE OF THE DINXEIl-TABLE. 
 
 The lady and gentleman of the house are, of course^ 
 helped last, and they are very particular to notice, 
 every minute, whether the waiters are attentive to 
 every guest. But they do not press people either to 
 eat more than they appear to want, nor insist upon 
 their partaking of any particular dish. It is allow- 
 able for you to recommend, so far as to say that it is 
 considered " excellent," but remember that tastes differ, 
 and dishes which suit you may be unpleasant to others ; 
 and that, in consequence of your urgency, some modest 
 people might feel themselves compelled to partake of 
 what is disagreeable to them. 
 
 Never speak harshly or imperatively to your ser- 
 vants in the presence of your guests. It would be as 
 annoying to your guests as it would be cruel to your 
 servants. If they make any mistake, or break any 
 thing, you will avoid keeping the attention of the party 
 to it for a single minute. Remember that you cannot 
 seem to be annoyed yourself, without annoying your 
 friends at the same time. Some men have a brutal 
 way of scolding and driving their servants in company ; 
 but it will be difficult for such a brute to get a well-bred 
 lady or gentlemen to his house to dine a second time. 
 And what shall be said of the man who is in the habit 
 of speaking ill-naturedly to his wife before her guests ! 
 There is no language that can justly describe his bru- 
 tality, and we shall, therefore, not attempt it. 
 
 Avoid, by all means, everything unpleasant at table. 
 If any of your guests so far forget the rules of good 
 
ON GIVING DINNERS. 117 
 
 breeding as to speak disparagingly of any person, you 
 will show your tact by instantly turning the attention 
 of the party upon something else. A back-biter is 
 always deemed a nuisance in really polite society, but 
 especially so at table, where everything unpleasant is 
 shunned as the bane of the common enjoyment. 
 
 It is customary in some American families to serve 
 their guests with coffee in the parlor after dinner. 
 But this is a European custom which is not generally 
 practised in polite American society. When coffee is 
 given at the close of the dinner, it is more usual to 
 serve it before the guests leave the table. The prac- 
 tice of handing it round in the parlor or drawing- 
 room, is an unnecessary inconvenience to the guests 
 particularly, without any compensating advantages. 
 
 Finger-glasses are generally handed round as soon 
 as the viands are removed, but they are intended merely 
 to wet the fingers and around the mouth. The habit 
 of rinsing the mouth at table is a disgusting piece of 
 indelicacy, which is never practised by any well-bred 
 person. 
 
 It is generally the custom in this country for ladies 
 to retain their seats at table till the end of the feast. 
 But where the dinner is of a somewhat political char- 
 acter, and it is expected that long and deep drinking 
 is to follow the viands, the ladies usually retire from 
 the table after the second or third glass ; aiii when 
 8* 
 
178 ETIQUETTE OF THE DIXXER-TABLE. 
 
 they leave, the gentlemen all rise, and the one nearest 
 the door opens it for them. 
 
 The polite and noble Roman, Lucullus, said that 
 there was as much care to be taken in the right man- 
 agement of a feast, as in the marshalling of an army ; 
 that the one might be as pleasing to friends as the 
 other terrible to enemies. 
 
 ON CARVING. 
 
 A great deal of the comfort and satisfaction of a 
 good dinner depends upon the carving. Awkward 
 carving is enough to spoil the appetite of a refined 
 and sensitive person. No matter how well the meats 
 may be cooked, if they are mutilated, torn, and hacked 
 to pieces, or even cut awkwardly, one half of their rel- 
 ish is destroyed by the carver. Formerly, in England, 
 there were regular teachers of the art of carving, and 
 Lady Mary Wortly Montague confesses that she once 
 took lessons of such a professor three times a week. 
 Besides the annoyance and mortification of bad carv- 
 ing, it is a very extravagant piece of ignorance, as it 
 causes a great waste of meats. In the seventeenth 
 century, carving was a science that Carried with it as 
 much pedantry as the business of school-teaching does 
 at the present day ; and for a person to use wrong 
 terms in relation to carving, was an unpardonable 
 
ON CARVING. 179 
 
 affront to etiquette. Carving all kinds of small birds 
 was called to thy them ; a quail, to wing it ; a pheas- 
 ant, to allay it ; a duck, to embrace it ; a hen, to spoil 
 her ; a goose, to tare her, and a list of similar tech- 
 nicalities too long and too ridiculous to repeat. 
 
 Dr. Johnson said, that " You should praise, not ridi- 
 cule, your friend who carves with as much earnestness 
 of purpose as though he were legislating." 
 
 The best way to cut a HAM, in order that the fat and 
 lean may be served evenly, is to begin in the middle 
 of the ham, and cut out thin circular slices. Though 
 good carvers often begin at the large end of the ham. 
 which is certainly the most gaving way. 
 
 In carving a roast SIRLOIN OF BEEF, you may begin 
 at either end, or in the middle. The outside should 
 be sliced downward to the bone, while the inside or 
 tenderloin part should be sliced thin, lengthwise, and 
 a lil.;le of the soft fat given with each piece. You 
 may ask whether the outside or inside is preferred ; 
 otherwise a small bit of the inside should be served 
 with each plate, as this is generally regarded as the 
 mos: choice portion. 
 
 But little skill is required in carving a ROUND OF 
 BEE-'. It should be cut in thin, smooth, and even 
 slices. 
 
 A FILLET OF YEAL should be cut in the same way as 
 
180 ETIQUETTE OP THE DINNER-TABLE. 
 
 a round of beef. Ask whether the brown or outside 
 is preferred. If it is stuffed, cut deep through the 
 stuffing, and serve each plate with a thin slice, with a 
 little of the fat also. 
 
 In carving a LEG OP MUTTON, slice it lightly, for if 
 you press too heavily the knife will not cut, and you 
 will squeeze out all the gravy, and serve your guests 
 with dry meat. Begin to cut in the middle, as that is 
 the most juicy part. Cut thin, deep slices, and help 
 each person to a little of the fat, and some of the 
 brown or outside. 
 
 In carving a FORE QUARTER OP LAMB, separate the 
 shoulder from the breast and ribs, by passing the knife 
 under and through it ; then separate the gristly part 
 from the ribs, and help from that, or the ribs, as may 
 be chosen. 
 
 A HAUNCH OP MUTTON is the leg and a part of the 
 loin. In carving, help to about equal parts of the fat 
 of the loin, and the lean of the leg. Cut each part 
 directly down through in slices, about a quarter of an 
 inch thick. 
 
 A SADDLE OF MUTTON should be cut in thin slices 
 from tail to end, beginning close to the back-bone ; 
 help some fat from the sides. 
 
 A ROAST PIG should be cut in two before it is sent 
 to the table. Begin to carve by separating the shoul- 
 
ON CURVING. 181 
 
 der from one side, then divide the ribs. The joints 
 may be divided, or pieces cut from them. The ribs are 
 considered the finest part, though some prefer the 
 neck end. 
 
 In carving a GOOSE, cut off the apron, or the part 
 directly under the neck, and outside of the merry- 
 thought. Then turn the neck-end towards you, and cut 
 the breast in slices. Take off the leg by putting the 
 fork into the small end of the bone, pressing it to the 
 body, at the same time passing the knife into and 
 through the joint. Take off the wing by putting the 
 fork into the small end of the pinion, and pressing it 
 close to the body while the knife is dividing the joint. 
 The wing side-bones, and also the back and lower side- 
 bones, should then be cut off. The best pieces are the 
 breast and thighs. 
 
 A FOWL, on CHICKEN, is carved by first detaching 
 the legs from the body. Next, take off the wings, by 
 dividing the joint with the knife ; then lift up the pin- 
 ion with your fork, and draw the wing towards the 
 leg, and the muscles will separate in a better form 
 than if cut, Then remove the merry- thought from the 
 neck-bones, and divide the breast from the carcass by 
 cutting through the tender-ribs. Then lay the back 
 upwards, and cut it across half-way between the neck 
 and the rump. The breast and thighs are considered 
 the choice bits. 
 
 A TURKEY is carved very nearly in the same way aa 
 a chicken, or fowl. 
 
182 ETIQUETTE OF THE DINNER-TABLE. 
 
 Nearly all kinds of small game birds are carved by 
 simply cutting them in two, from the neck to the tail, 
 unless they are given whole. 
 
 Never pour gravy over white meat, as it would de- 
 stroy its delicate appearance. 
 
 There are many little ways of seasoning meats and 
 game, which may be done by the carver, as, for in- 
 stance : before cutting up a duck, slice the breast, and 
 pour over the gashes a few spoonfuls of sauce made of 
 port-wine, lemon-juice, salt, and Cayenne pepper. Or, 
 after you have cut off the apron and breast-bone of a 
 goose, pour into the body a glass of port wine apd a 
 small teaspoonful of mustard. 
 
 WINE AT TABLE. 
 
 Almost every gentleman has wine at his table when- 
 ever he has invited guests. Indeed, wine is considered 
 an indispensable part of a good dinner, to which a 
 gentleman has been formally invited. Even if you are 
 a total-abstinence man yourself, you will not, if you 
 are really a gentleman, attempt to -compel all your 
 guests to be so against their wish. If you are so fa- 
 natical that you have what is called " conscientious 
 scruples'' 7 against furnishing wine, then you should in- 
 vite none to dine who are not as fanatical and big 
 
WINE AT TABLE. 183 
 
 oted as yourself. You must consider that a gentleman 
 may have "conscientious scruples 77 against dining with 
 you on cold water, for there are even temperate and 
 sober gentlemen who would go without meat as soon 
 as be deprived of their glass of wine at dinner. The 
 vegetarian, who would force his guests to dine on cab- 
 bages and onions, is hardly guilty of a greater breach 
 of etiquette than the total-abstinence fanatic who would 
 compel his guests to go without wine. 
 
 If there is a gentleman at the table who is known to 
 be a total-abstinence man, you will not urge him to 
 drink. He will suffer his glass to be filled at the first 
 passage of the wine, and raising it to his lips, will bow 
 his respects with the rest of the guests, and after that 
 his glass will be allowed to remain untouched. As 
 little notice as possible should be taken of his total- 
 abstinence peculiarity. And, if he is a gentleman, he 
 will carefully avoid drawing attention to it himself. 
 
 It is not now the custom to ask a lady across the 
 table to take wine with you. It is expected that every 
 lady will be properly helped to wine by the gentleman 
 who takes her to the table, or who sits next to her. 
 But if you are in company where the old custom pre- 
 vails, it would be better breeding to follow the custom 
 of the place, rather than by an omission of what your 
 entertainer < civility, to prove him, in face of 
 
 his guests, to be either ignorant or vulgar. If cither 
 a lady or gentleman is invited to take wine at table, 
 they must never refuse ; if they do not drink, they need 
 
184 ETIQUETTE OP THE DINXEIMABLB. 
 
 only touch the wine to their lips. Do not offer to 
 help a lady to wine until you see she has finished her 
 soup or fish. 
 
 It is considered well bred to take the same wine as 
 that selected by the person with whom you drink. 
 When, however, the wine chosen by him is unpalatable 
 to you, it is allowable to take that which you prefer, 
 at the same time apologizingly saying, " will you per- 
 mit me to drink claret ?" or whatever wine you have 
 selected. 
 
 In inviting a gentleman to take wine with you at 
 table, you should politely say, " Shall I have the pleas- 
 ure of a glass of wine with you ?" You will then 
 either hand him the bottle you have selected, or send 
 it by the waiter, and afterwards fill your own glass, 
 when you will politely and silently bow to each other, 
 as you raise the wine to your lips. 
 
 On raising the first glass of wine to his lips, it is 
 customary for a gentleman to bow to the lady of the 
 house. 
 
 It is not customary to propose toasts or to drink 
 deep at a gentleman's family table. Lord Byron de- 
 scribes " a largish party," as " first silent, then talky, 
 then argumentative, then disputatious, then unintelli- 
 gible, then altogethery, then drunk." But this was 
 " a largish party," which, it is to be hoped, was given 
 at a tavern ; for the man who drinks to intoxication, 
 
WINE AT TABLE. 185 
 
 or to any considerable degree of elevation, at a gentle- 
 man's family table, ought never to expect to be invited 
 a second time. 
 
 We Americans have the name of being the greatest 
 drinkers at dinners, but the English certainly beat us, 
 and there is some etymological probability that the 
 Dutch have considerable claims to the honor of being 
 acknowledged hard drinkers. At least, many of the 
 cant phrases used in carousing are evidently of Dutch 
 origin. The phrase half-seas-over is derived from the 
 Dutch op zee, which means over sea, and was the name 
 given to an inebriating beer introduced into England 
 from Holland, and was called op zee. The word ca- 
 roa.se is derived from the name of a large glass, called 
 by the Danes rouse. The famous drinking-phrase, 
 " Hip, hip, hurra !" originated in the Crusades, it being 
 a corruption of " II. E. P.," the initial of Hierosolyma 
 est perdita (Jerusalem is lost), the motto on the banner 
 of Peter the Hermit, whose followers hunted Jews 
 down with the cry of " Hip, hip, hurra I" 
 
 At dinner-parties which are given to gentlemen, for 
 the purpose of conviviality, one may indulge in as 
 much wine as he pleases, provided he does not get 
 drunk, and make a nuisance of himself. Where drink- 
 ing, and toasting, and bumpers, are the order of the 
 feast, as at a public dinner, given in honor of a distin- 
 guished man. or at the inauguration of some public 
 enterprise, far Crater latitude is allowed, in all tilings, 
 than on more private and select occasions. Where 
 
186 ETIQUETTE OF THE DINNER-TABLE. 
 
 mirth and general hilarity are demanded, deep drink- 
 ing is expected. Wine is a great sharpener of men's 
 wits. It was said of Addison's excellent nature, that 
 " it ran over when heated with wine, and he shone with 
 the wit of Terence when in company with Scipio and 
 Laclius ;" exemplifying the poet's simile of the flying- 
 fish, which soars highest when its wings are wet. 
 
 It is, however, the first care of a well-bred man 
 never to drink beyond his self-control at table, where 
 the comfort of the whole party is so much dependent 
 upon the propriety of every one present. But, whenever 
 a gentleman has the misfortune to forget himself, as 
 sometimes will happen, every other gentleman will do 
 all in his power to make the best of the accident. 
 Charles II. dined with the citizens of London the 
 year that Sir Robert Viner was mayor, who, getting 
 elated with continually toasting the royal family, grew 
 a little fond of his majesty. " The king understood 
 very well how to extricate himself in all kinds of diffi- 
 culty, and with a hint to the company to avoid cere- 
 mony, stole off and made towards his coach, which 
 stood ready for him in Guildhall yard. But the 
 mayor liked his company so well, and was grown so 
 intimate, that he pursued him hastily, and, catching 
 him fast by the hand, cried out with a vehement oath 
 and accent, ' Sir, you shall stay and take t'other bot- 
 tle !' The polite monarch looked kindly at him over 
 his shoulder, and, with a smile and graceful air, re- 
 peated this line of the old song : 
 
 'He that is drunk is as great as a king;' 
 
WINE AT TABLE. 137 
 
 and immediately returned back and complied with his 
 landlord." 
 
 Do not praise bad wine, for it will persuade tfiose 
 who are judges that you are an ignoramus or a flat- 
 terer. On the other hand, avoid seeming to notice 
 that it is bad, unless the host calls attention to it him- 
 self. There is an anecdote of a man, who, being in- 
 vited by Sir Thomas Grouts, who was proud of his wine, 
 to take a second glass of his" old East India/' replied, 
 " One was a dose had rather not double the cape ;" 
 and, at the first glass of champagne, he inquired 
 whether there had been a plentiful crop of gooseberries 
 last year.* 
 
 As wine is a very common subject of discussion at 
 table, it is quite necessary that every gentleman should 
 be able to converse understandingly upon the charac- 
 ter and quality of the various wines in use. It is very 
 embarrassing to be called upon for an opinion and 
 not be able to give one ; and it is still worse to betray 
 one's ignorance on the subject of conversation. Be- 
 sides, ignorance of the history and quality of wines 
 may impress gentlemen with the idea that you have 
 not been much in good company. 
 
 * There is a great deal of champagne made of gooseberries 
 in England. 
 
188 ETIQUETTE OP THE DINXER-TABLE. 
 
 THE AGE OF WINES. 
 
 It is a great error, and one which prevails exten- 
 sively, to suppose that great age is necessary to the 
 goodness of wine. The quality of the vintage has far 
 more to do with the excellence of the wine than the 
 number of years it has been kept. Port wine, of u 
 good vintage, is best when not more than ten years 
 old. Hocks and clarets, indeed, will not keep till old. 
 Champagne is best at from three to five years old. 
 So that the phrase " old wine " has no such wonderful 
 charm for the well-informed. 
 
 HOW TO KNOW GOOD 
 
 All wines made out of the juice f the grape possess 
 a peculiar bouquet, or powerful odor, which is quite 
 unmistakable to an experienced wine-drinker. This 
 characteristic bouquet depends upon the presence of 
 tenant-hie ether, which is produced by the fermentation 
 of the juice of the grape, and is, therefore, relied upon 
 as one of the general proofs that the wine is made of 
 grapes. By comparing the bouquet of a bottle of real 
 grape wine, with one made of cider, gooseberries, or 
 any other juice, you will soon educate your nose to be 
 a tolerable detector of bad wine. 
 
 Immature red wines are remarkably bright and red, 
 in consequence of the presence of phosphoric and other 
 
POET WINE. 18'J 
 
 acids, which are subdued when the wine has obtained 
 a proper age. In perfectly ripe wines this intense 
 brightness is changed into a mellow, rich, and tawny 
 hue, that is considered a sign of maturity in all red 
 wines. But, alas ! this is no longer an infallible sign, 
 for art has discovered the means of counterfeiting the 
 golden light and mellow brown which used to be a 
 sure guide in the choice of port and claret. After all, 
 an experienced taste is about the only sure guide to the 
 selection of good wines. 
 
 PORT WINE. 
 
 Pure port wine is undoubtedly " one of the most 
 healthy of all vinous liquors : it strengthens the mus- 
 cular system, assists the digestive powers, accelerates 
 the circulation, exhilarates the spirits, and sharpens 
 the mental energies." But. alas ! such a thing as pure 
 port is never found in this country. It can never be 
 had here without an admixture of brandy ; as other- 
 wise it would not keep. A great deal of cheap French 
 wine is sold here for port, and a great deal of a poi 
 sonous drug is manufactured here and sold under the 
 abused and prostituted name of port wine. Doctor 
 little imagine what they are doing when they recom- 
 mend their patients to " drink port wine." There aro 
 very few of the most vigorous constitutions that can 
 stand the assaults of the poisonous compound which is 
 generally sold for port wine in this country Wbcn 
 
190 ETIQUETTE OF THE DINNER-TABLE. 
 
 real port wine loses its stringency, and acquires a 
 slightly acid taste, it is unwholesome, and is unfit for 
 use except by a person who is ambitious to get the 
 gout. 
 
 CHAMPAGNE. 
 
 The faculty of Paris in 1778 pronounced champagne 
 to be the finest and healthiest of all wines ; and, ex- 
 cept in cases of weak digestion, is*, if pure, one of the 
 safest wines that can be drank. It is the king of 
 wines at the convivial board in the United States so 
 much so, that when " a bottle of wine " is proposed 
 it is understood to be champagne, unless some other 
 name is expressly given. " Its intoxicating effects are 
 rapid, but exceedingly transient, and depend partly 
 upon the carbonic acid, which is evolved from it, and 
 partly upon the alcohol, which is suspended in this 
 gas, being applied rapidly and extensively to a large 
 surface of the stomach." The idea that champagne 
 produces gout is sufficiently refuted by the fact that 
 the disease is very little known in the province where 
 the wine is made. But it is, undoubtedly, to be avoided 
 in cases where the disorder already exists, especially 
 if it has been produced by the too free use of strong 
 liquors. 
 
 It is a mistaken idea that champagne must be swal- 
 lowed as soon as possible after it is uncorked. If it 
 
CHAMPAGNE. 191 
 
 is really champagne it improves by letting it stand a 
 little, as after the gas has partly escaped it will en- 
 tirely retain the body and flavor of the wine, which is, 
 to some extent, concealed by its effervescence. Lovers 
 of champagne do not drink it until its active efferves- 
 cence is a little over. A good way to test the quality 
 of champagne, is to let it stand till the gas has con- 
 siderably escaped and see if it then possesses the rich 
 body and aroma of wine. That fatal poison which is 
 manufactured in such immense quantities in this coun- 
 try out of cider and cheap Rhine wine, and almost in- 
 variably served up as champagne at political dinners, 
 will not stand the above test. And it is no wonder 
 that those who have drank only this abominable d rug, 
 should hold champagne to be an unhealthy wine. The 
 English make a tolerable counterfeit champagne of the 
 juice of rhubarb leaf-stocks and green gooseberries. 
 
 We often hear those who are most oppressively 
 wise, in their own conceits, attempt to display their 
 wisdom by referring to the small geographical bounda- 
 ries of the champagne country, and shrewdly deducing 
 therefrom that not enough of champagne can be made 
 to allow a single bottle to be imported to this coun- 
 try. But, for all that, the species of wine known as 
 champagne is manufactured all over the south of 
 Europe of as excellent a quality as that produced in 
 the district of champagne, and a vast deal of this 
 genuine wine is imported to this country. 
 
 One of the most distinguished political editors in 
 
1 -)2 ETIQUETTE OP THE DINNER-TABLE. 
 
 the United States, who has " conscientious scruples " 
 against the use of wine, is in the habit of making him- 
 self agreeable at table by picking up the champagne 
 corks and pointing out to all the guests that the name 
 of the brand upon the end of the cork is printed in 
 American type. At great political dinners, where a 
 contract is made with landlords and public caterers to 
 furnish the wine, it is very likely that the impress of 
 American type may be found on the ends of the corks ; 
 but that does not, by any means, prove that there is 
 not plenty of real champagne imported into this coun- 
 try. Just as good champagne can be found here as at 
 Rheims. But your only protection is the character of 
 the house of which you buy. Just as good wine can 
 be provided in the remotest inland towns of America 
 as can be had in Paris or Bordeaux. We have tasted 
 as great a variety of the finest wines at the house of 
 Thomas Andrews, Esq., in the city of Chicago, as can 
 be found in any city on the continent of Europe. 
 And there is one importing house in New York, Brit- 
 ton & Co., No. 11 Broad street, which imports, on an 
 average, ten thousand baskets a year of the Moet and 
 Chandon champagnes, which are, perhaps, the finest 
 of all the various brands of champagnes ; and thus 
 here, in New York, we have the best genuine cham- 
 pagnes that are made in Europe. Of these brands the 
 Grand Imperial, or green seal, is perhaps the finest, 
 though many choose the Bouzy Cabinet. The Fleur 
 de Bouzy, imported by the above-named house, sells 
 for the same price as the Heidsick, and is a better 
 wine than even this favorite old brand. And if a sin 
 
BURGUNDY CLARET. 193 
 
 gle house imports ten thousand baskets yearly, what 
 must be the amount of genuine champagne which is 
 brought to this country by all the great importing 
 houses ? Probably it is not too much to say that two 
 millions of baskets are imported yearly. 
 
 BURGUNDY. 
 
 " Burgundy is stronger than clarets, possesses a 
 powerful aroma, and a delicious and lasting flavor." 
 But when it arrives in this country it is generally 
 brandied, which is most injurious to its flavor and 
 smell. Pure Burgundy is a very delicate wine, that is 
 not very common in the United States. A very fine 
 sparkling Burgundy was a great favorite at the Revere 
 House in Boston, some years ago, but the wine is not, 
 we think, generally known in this country. 
 
 CLARET. 
 
 Claret wine is a great favorite in this country, in 
 hot weather especially. The slightest and most palat- 
 able and aromatic of the clarets, the St. Julien, La 
 Rose, and Bouillac. The Chateaux-margau is a de- 
 licious claret, which has the perfume of the violet, and 
 possesses a rich ruby color. " The Plant Brion has a 
 9 
 
104- ETIQUETTE OP THE DINNEH-TABLE. 
 
 powerful bouquet, resembling a mixture of violets and 
 raspberries." La Tour and Lafitte have both a bou- 
 quet and taste of violets. Clarets are chiefly shipped 
 from Bordeaux, and the most of those above-named 
 are from the neighboring districts of Medoc. The 
 unmixed Bordeaux claret is the safest and best for 
 ordinary use : it is light, agreeable, gently exhilara- 
 ting, and an excellent quencher of thirst. 
 
 GERMAN WINES. 
 
 Hock wines are great favorites in hot weather. The 
 most popular of the Rhine wines are the Johannisberg 
 and the Steinberg, which are alike admired for their 
 delicious flavor and exquisite bouquet. 
 
 Among the best second class Rhine wine are the 
 Rudesheim, Markobrunner, and Rothenberg. Hock- 
 heim, which grows on the banks of the Main, ranks 
 equally with these. The frightful names of these Ger- 
 man wines generally follow the cognomen of the place 
 where they are produced. 
 
 The favorite wines of the Germans themselves are 
 generally the delicately flavored Moselles : Grunhauser 
 and Scharrberger are called the " Nectar of the Mo- 
 selle." A very fine German wine, called Straw wine, 
 is made of grapes so ripe that they require no press- 
 
SHERRIES. 1 jf> 
 
 ing, but the juice distills through clean wheaten straw, 
 and imbibes its color. It is a very expensive wine, 
 and is not much known in this country. 
 
 SHERRIES. 
 
 Brande says, " Sherry, of due age and in good con- 
 dition, is a fine, perfect, and wholesome wine ; free 
 from excess of acid, and possessing a dr}*, aromatic 
 flavor and fragrancy ; but, as produced in ordinary 
 market, it is of fluctuating and anomalous quality, 
 often destitute of all aroma, and tasting of little else 
 than alcohol and water." Almost all the sherry wine 
 in common use in this country is of the latter descrip- 
 tion ; and those served at the hotels in England are, 
 if possible, still worse, notwithstanding sherry is the 
 favorite dinner wine of that country. 
 
 The best sherries are the pale and light golden wines, 
 made of the Xeres grape ; though it is not safe to judge 
 of sherry by its color, for art has instructed how to 
 give the most inferior wine the delicate hue of the gen- 
 uine article. The finest sherry is the Amontillado ; 
 but it is very rare, and let no man flatter himself that 
 he often feasts his eyes or his palate upon it, in this 
 country. In England, sherry is the dinner wine, but 
 the Americans follow more in the French custom, and 
 use it as a vin de liqueur. 
 
10G ETIQUETTE OF THE DINNER-TABLE. 
 
 MADEIRA. 
 
 Madeira is a delightful wine, if we could only ever 
 get any of it. But let no happy enthusiast deceive 
 himself with the delusive bliss that he is drinking pure 
 Madeira. So destructive has been the disease of the 
 vine in Madeira for many years, that such an event as 
 any of its charming wine reaching this country is not 
 to be hoped for. 
 
 We are told, that when the celebrated Malmsey is 
 stored in the cellars, the following benediction is pro- 
 nounced over it : " Lord God, thou who lovest man- 
 kind, direct thine eyes to this wine, and those who 
 shall drink it : bless our vessels, thrice blessed as the 
 walls of Jacob, and the pool of Siloam, and as thou 
 hast blessed this drink of the apostles. Lord ! thou 
 who wast present at the wedding at Cana, and by 
 changing the water into wine, revealed thy glory to 
 thy disciples, send thy Holy Spirit on this wine, and 
 bless it in thy name." This benediction certainly shows 
 us the great value which is placed upon good wine in 
 that country. - 
 
 AMERICAN WINES. 
 
 An English author of an interesting work on the 
 culture of wine, says of our American wines : " In com- 
 
AMERICAN WINES. 197 
 
 paring these wines with those of Europe, we must bear 
 in mind that they are distinct in flavor from any or all 
 of them. It is their peculiarity that no spurious com- 
 pound can be made to imitate them, and in purity and 
 delicacy there is no known wine to equal them." 
 
 Our still Catawba has the lowest percentage of alco- 
 hol of any wine in the world. The most expensive 
 wine in Europe, Tokay, has 9.85 per cent, of spirit, 
 while our Catawba has only 9.50, 
 
 The best champagne made in the United States is 
 Werke's sparkling Isabella, unless it is equalled by the 
 sparkling wine of Missouri ; which is, certainly, one 
 of the lightest and finest champagnes we have ever 
 tasted. Werke's sparkling Catawba, which is not 
 equal in delicacy of flavor to his Isabella, is preferred 
 by lovers of champagne to Longworth's wine of the 
 same name. 
 
 The El Paso and mustang wines of Texas are very 
 fine. The mustang grape yields a wine hardly distin- 
 guishable from the best port. All the first class Ameri- 
 can wines are quite equal to the best imported wines, 
 and they are, generally, much cheaper. Werke's spark- 
 ling wines, when they can be had, are furnished at two 
 dollars a bottle at the hotels, while the best imported 
 champagnes cost two dollars and fifty cents or three 
 dollars a bottle. 
 
198 ETIQUETTE OP THE DINNER-TABLE. 
 
 THE ART OF DRINKING WINE. 
 
 The old Romans had a practice of eating cheese to 
 bring out the flavor of the wine, a custom which pre- 
 vails in England at the present v ame, and is not un- 
 known in the United States. 
 
 Wine-drinkers vary their choice of wines to suit the 
 seasons ; selecting light wines for summer, and those 
 having more body and strength for winter. Thus, in 
 summer, hock, claret, Burgundy, Rhineish, and hermi- 
 tage are generally in vogue ; and in cold weather, 
 port, sherry, and Madeira have their day. 
 
 Some are so fanciful in their use of wines, that they 
 will drink only white wine with white meats, and red 
 wine with brown meats ; light wine with light dishes, 
 and stronger wines with more substantial food. 
 
 o 
 
 At table, in France, red wines almost always pre- 
 cede the white. In England and America, also, red 
 wines usually open the repast ; after which the spark- 
 ling and exhilarating champagne keeps up the good 
 temper of the merry guests. In America, especially, 
 champagne is now always taken with the meats ; and 
 then a glass of sherry usually closes the feast, so far as 
 the wine is concerned, unless a glass of brandy and 
 svater follows it. 
 
 If you invite a friend or two to a. quiet dinner at 
 
THE ART OP DRINKING WINE. 199 
 
 your hotel, or at your own house, a genteel and suffi- 
 cient course of wine is to open the dinner, after the 
 soup or fish a bottle of claret, or any light wine, 
 to be followed by champagne and then close the din- 
 ner with a cup of strong coffee, without the introduc- 
 tion of any other kind of wine. The producing of a 
 great variety of wines at a quiet visiting dinner-party 
 looks like an ostentatious display, and is not usually 
 practised by gentlemen in this country. "It is but a 
 vulgar notion which associates expense with gentility." 
 
 Wine-coolers are indispensable in hot weather, as 
 the practice of putting ice into the glass with the wine 
 is sure to destroy the fine aroma and delicious taste of 
 all the choicest wines. Claret which is kept in a cel- 
 lar, needs no cooling ; and in winter, wine-drinkers 
 usually place it near the fire before uncorking, as 
 without a moderate degree of warmth it lacks the soft 
 and delicious flavor which makes the chief merit of this 
 wine. Champagne, in summer, needs cooling, until 
 it is brought to the temperature of the coldest spring 
 water. 
 
THE 
 
 AMERICAN CODE OF POLITENESS, 
 
 DEFINITION OF POLITENESS AND ETIQUETTE. 
 
 POLITENESS has been defined as " an artificial good- 
 nature ; " but it would be better said that good-nature 
 is natural politeness. It inspires us with an unremit- 
 ting attention, both to please others and to avoid 
 giving them offence. Its code is a ceremonial, agreed 
 upon and established^, among mankind, to give each 
 other external testimonies of friendship or respect. 
 Politeness and etiquette form a sort of supplement to 
 the law, which enables society to protect itself against 
 offences which the law cannot touch. For instance, 
 the law cannot punish a man for habitually staring at 
 people in an insolent and annoying manner, but eti- 
 quette can banish such an offender from the circles of 
 good society, and fix upon him the brand of vulgarity 
 Etiquette consists in certain forms, ceremonies, and 
 rules which the principle of politeness establishes and 
 enforces for the regulation of the manners of men and 
 women in their intercourse with each other. 
 
 Trivial as these rules and ceremonies may appear to 
 the unreflecting, nearly all the happiness which man 
 
 (200) 
 
GENERAL RULES OF POLITENESS. 201 
 
 derives from society depends upon them. The scholar, 
 without good breeding, is a pedant ; the philosopher, 
 a cynic ; the soldier, a brute ; and every man dis- 
 agreeable. 
 
 The principle of politeness is the same among all 
 nations, but the ceremonials which etiquette imposes 
 differ according to the taste and habits of various 
 countries. For instance, many of the minor rules of 
 etiquette at Paris differ from those at London ; and at 
 New York they may differ from both Paris and Lon- 
 don. But still the polite of every country have about 
 the same manners. The recent visit of the Japanese 
 embassy to this country proved to us that a gentleman 
 in Japan differs but little, except in trifles, from a gen- 
 tleman in America. 
 
 GENERAL RULES OF POLITENESS. 
 
 The true aim of politeness, is to make those with 
 whom you associate as well satisfied with themselves 
 as possible. It does not, by any means, encourage an 
 impudent self-importance in them, but it does whatever 
 it can to accommodate their feelings and wishes in 
 social intercourse. Politeness is a sort of social be- 
 nevolence, which avoids wounding the pride, or shock- 
 ing the prejudices of those around you. 
 
 In conversation everything should be avoided that 
 
202 THE AMERICAN CODE OF POLITENESS. 
 
 will have a tendency to remind any one who is in the 
 company of past or present troubles, or which can 
 cause uneasiness of any kind to any individual. 
 
 Any conversation (that is not interdicted by de- 
 cency and propriety) which can be pleasing to the 
 whole company, is desirable. Amusement, more than 
 instruction even, is to be sought for in social par- 
 ties. People are not supposed to come together 
 on such occasion because they are ignorant and 
 need teaching, but to seek amusement and relax- 
 ation from professional and daily cares. All the Eng- 
 lish books on etiquette tell you that " Punning is 
 scrupulously to be avoided as a species of ale-house 
 wit," and a savage remark of Dr. Johnson is usually 
 quoted on the subject. But punning is no more to be 
 avoided than any other kind of wit ; and if all wit is 
 to be banished from the social circle it will be left a 
 stupid affair indeed. All kinds of wit, puns by no 
 means excepted, give a delightful relish to social par- 
 ties when they spring up naturally and spontaneously 
 out of the themes of conversation. But for a man to 
 be constantly straining himself to make jokes is to 
 make himself ridiculous, and to annoy the whole com- 
 pany, and is, therefore, what no gentleman will be 
 guilty of. 
 
 "Whatever passes in parties at your own or another's 
 house is never repeated by well-bred people. Things 
 of no moment, and which are meant only as harmless 
 jokes, are liable to produce unpleasant consequences 
 
GENERAL RULES. 203 
 
 if repeated. To repeat, therefore, any conversation 
 which passes on such occasions, is understood to be a 
 breach of confidence, which should banish the offender 
 from the pale of good society. 
 
 If it is ever your fortune to confer a favor, the ut- 
 most delicacy is required in bestowing it, to prevent 
 its being an insult to the one who receives it. You 
 may bestow your favors in such a manner as to have 
 it almost appear that you are the obliged party. Indeed, 
 you i.iay say this : " You will confer a very great fa- 
 vor upon me by accepting," &c. A benefit conferred 
 as a Charity is an insult. 
 
 If you are fond of joking, be very cautious how you 
 let your arrows fly before you are sure of your com- 
 pany. Many people cannot take a joke, nor give one, 
 and *o try your wits on one so unarmed would be liko 
 offering to wrestle with a cripple. And, besides, those 
 in t"e company who are constitutionally unable to 
 comprehend a witticism would start at you with in- 
 quisitorial wonder, and if they do not annoy you, they, 
 will show that you have puzzled and disturbed them. 
 
 In a mixed company, never speak to your friend of 
 a matter which the rest do not understand, unless it is 
 Fomething which you can explain to them, and which 
 may be made interesting to the whole party. 
 
 A gentleman will, by all means, avoid showing hit* 
 learning and accomplishments in the presence of igno 
 
204 THE AMERICAN CODE OF POLITENESS. 
 
 rant and vulgar people, who can, by no possibility, 
 understand or appreciate them. It is a pretty sure 
 sign of bad breeding to set people to staring and feel- 
 ing uncomfortable. 
 
 Do.\not talk too loud in company. It is presump- 
 tion for you to take it for granted that everybody 
 present is anxious to listen to you, and you may, be- 
 sides, disturb the conversation already going on be- 
 tween others. You will also, if possible, avoid talk- 
 ing to any one across the room. If you have some- 
 thing particular to say to an individual, wait until 
 you can get an opportunity to seat yourself by his 
 side. 
 
 In England, it is regarded a breach of etiquette to 
 repeat the name of any person with whom you are 
 conversing. But the same rule does not hold in Amer- 
 ica. Here it is deemed no breach, if you are con- 
 versing with a lady by the name of Johnson, to say, 
 " Well, Mrs. Johnson, do you not think," etc. 
 
 In this country, poor people often become suddenly 
 rich ; but if they possess any of tho instincts of polite- 
 ness, they will carefully avoid putting on airs, or try- 
 ing to show off in the presence of their former poor 
 acquaintances. If they do so, it only proves that the 
 acquisition of wealth has not cured them of their vul- 
 garity, but only helped them to make a more conspicu- 
 ous and insulting exhibition of it. I was once at a 
 brilliant party in New York, where a man who had 
 
GENERAL RULES. 205 
 
 acquired great wealth by the business of a scavenger, 
 was continually drawing comparisons between the 
 house and furniture of our host and his own. For- 
 tunately, I have never since met the beast in polite 
 society. It is to be Jioped that that was his first and 
 last appearance. 
 
 Palpable flattery is, on all occasions, a great insult. 
 And yet flattery is a great sweetener of social life, if 
 one has the knowledge of the human heart, and the 
 skill to use it without abusing it. Your coloring 
 must be as subtle and delicate as the " faintest blush 
 on the Provence rose." But there is one kind of flat- 
 tery which is the most seductive, the most pleasing and 
 gratifying of all, and which can at all times be safely 
 used I mean the flattery of attention which is always 
 soothing to our vanity, and is one of the cardinal vir- 
 tues of good breeding. 
 
 By all means, avoid the use of slang terms and 
 phrases in polite company. No greater insult can 
 be offered to polite society than to repeat the slang 
 dictation of bar-rooms and other low places. If 
 you are willing to have it known that you are familiar 
 with such company yourself, you have no right to 
 treat a party of ladies and gentlemen as though they 
 were, too. 
 
 There is no surer sign of vulgarity than the perpet- 
 ual boasting of the fine things you have at home. If 
 
20G THE AMERICAN CODE OP POLITENESS. 
 
 you speak of you silver, of your jewelry, of your 
 costly apparel, it will be taken for a sign that you are 
 either lying, or that you were, not long ago, some- 
 body's washer woman, and cannot forget to be remind- 
 ing everybody that you are not so now. 
 
 There is a sort of accidental and altogether equivo- 
 cal type of city women, who never get into the coun- 
 try, but they employ their time in trying to astonish 
 the country people with narrations of the fine things 
 they left behind them in the city. If they have a dirty 
 little closet, with ten valueless books in it, they will 
 call it their library. If they have some small room, 
 that is used as kitchen, parlor, and dining-room, they 
 will magnify it into a drawing-room. And a hundred 
 other little signs of their great vulgarity they will con- 
 stantly insist on exhibiting to their country auditors. 
 
 Do not dispute in a party of ladies and gentlemen. 
 If a gentleman advances an opinion which is different 
 from ideas you are known to entertain, either appear 
 not to have heard it, or differ with him as gently as 
 possible. You will not say, " Sir, you are mistaken !" 
 " Sir, you are wrong !" or that you " happen to know 
 better ;" but you will rather use some such phrase as, 
 " Pardon me if I am not mistaken," etc. This will 
 give him a chance to say some such civil thing as that 
 he regrets to disagree with you ; and if he has not tho 
 good manners to do it, you have, at any rate, estab- 
 lished your own manners as those of a gentleman in 
 the eyes of the company. And when you have done 
 
GENERAL RULES. 201 
 
 that, you need not trouble yourself about any opinions 
 be may advance contrary to your own. 
 
 If you find yourself in a company which violently 
 abuses an absent friend of yours, you need not feel 
 that you are called upon to take up the club for him. 
 You will do better by saying mildly that they must 
 have been misinformed that you are proud to call 
 him your friend, which you could not do if you did not 
 know him to be incapable of such things as they had 
 heard. After this, if they are gentlemen, they will 
 stop indeed, if they had been gentlemen, they would 
 hardly have assailed an absent one in a mixed party ; 
 and if you feel constrained to quit their company, it 
 will be no sacrifice to your own self-respect or 
 honor. 
 
 If you are in company with a distinguished gentle- 
 man as a governor, or senator you will not be per- 
 petually trying to trot out his titles, as it would make 
 you appear like a lackey or parasite, who, conscious of 
 no merits of your own, are trying to lift yourself by 
 the company of others. In introducing such a gentle- 
 man, you will merely call him " governor," or " sena- 
 tor," and afterwards avoid all allusion to his rank. 
 
 There is a vulgar custom, too prevalent, of calling 
 almost everybody " colonel " in this country, of which 
 it is sufficient to say, that this false use of titles pre- 
 vails most among the lower ranks of society a fact 
 which sufficiently stamps upon it its real character. 
 
208 THE AMERICAN CODE OF POLITENESS. 
 
 and renders it, to say the least, a doubtful compliment 
 to him who has no right to the title. 
 
 The simpler, and the more easy and unconstrained 
 your manners, the more you will impress people of your 
 good breeding. Affectation is one of the brazen marks 
 of vulgarity. 
 
 In England, it is a mark of low breeding to smoke 
 in the public streets. But in America the rule does 
 not hold to quite that extent ; though, even here, it is 
 not often that you catch " a gentleman of the strict- 
 est sect" in the street with a segar or pipe in his 
 mouth. 
 
 It is not deemed polite and respectful to smoke in 
 the presence of ladies, even though they are amiable 
 enough to permit it. A gentleman, therefore, is not 
 in the habit of smoking in the parlor, for if there is 
 nobody present to object, it leaves a smell in the room 
 which the wife has good reason to be mortified at, if 
 discovered by her guests. For a man to go into the 
 street with a lady on his arm and a segar in his mouth 
 is a shocking sight, which no gentleman will ever be 
 guilty of exhibiting ; for he inevitably subjects the 
 woman to the very worst of suspicions. 
 
 A gentleman never sits in the house with his hat on 
 in the presence of ladies for a single moment. Indeed, 
 so strong is the force of habit, that a gentleman will 
 quite unconsciously remove his hat on entering a par- 
 
GENERAL RULES. 209 
 
 lor, or drawing-room, even if there is no one present 
 but himself. People who sit in the house with their 
 hats on are to be suspected of having spent the most 
 of their time in bar-rooms, and similar places. A gen- 
 tleman never sits ivith his hat on in the theatre. Gen- 
 tlemen do not generally sit even in an eating-room 
 with their hats on, if there is any convenient place to 
 put them. 
 
 The books on etiquette will tell you, that on wait- 
 ing on a lady into a carriage, or the box of a theatre, 
 you are to take off your hat ; but such is not the cus- 
 tom among polite people in this country. The incon- 
 venience of such a rule is a good reason against its 
 observance in a country where the practice of polite- 
 ness has in it nothing of the servility which is often at- 
 tached to it in countries where the code of etiquette 
 is dictated by the courts of monarchy. In handing a 
 lady into a carriage, a gentleman may need to employ 
 both his hands, and he has no third hand to hold on 
 to his hat. 
 
 The books of etiquette also tell you, that if you 
 have been introduced to a lady and you afterwards 
 meet her in the street, you must not bow to her unless 
 she bow first, in ordei , as the books say, that she may 
 have an opportunity to cut you if she docs not wish to 
 continue the acquaintance. This is the English fash- 
 ion. But en the continent of Europe the rule is re- 
 versed, and no lady, however intimate you may be 
 with her, will acknowledge you in the street unless 
 
210 THE AMERICAN CODE OP POLITENESS. 
 
 you first honor her with a bow of recognition. But 
 the American fashion is not like either of them. For 
 here the really well-bred man always politely and re- 
 spectfully bows to every lady he knows, and, if she is 
 a well-bred woman, she acknowledges the respect paid 
 h^r. If she expects no further acquaintance, her bow 
 if. a mere formal, but always respectful, recognition of 
 the good manners which have been shown her, and no 
 gentleman ever takes advantage of such politeness to 
 push a further acquaintance uninvited. But why 
 should a lady and gentleman, who know who each 
 other are, scornfully and doggedly pass each other in 
 the streets as though they were enemies ? There is no 
 good reason for such impoliteness, in the practice of 
 politeness. As compared with the English, the French 
 or Continental fashion is certainly more consonant 
 with the rules of good breeding. But the American 
 rule is better than either, for it is based upon the ac- 
 knowledged general principle, that it is every gentle- 
 man's and lady's duty to be polite in all places. Un- 
 less parties have clone something to forfeit the respect 
 dictated by the common rules of politeness, there 
 should be no deviation from this practice. It is a 
 ridiculous idea that we are to practise ill-manners in 
 the name of etiquette. 
 
 The custom of raising your hat, or of bowing re- 
 spectfully to a lady or gentleman in the streets, with 
 your hat on, is practised equally, as occasion and con- 
 venience dictate, by well-bred Americans. By a loio 
 is not meant one of those indifferent, short nods of the 
 
GENERAL RULES. 211 
 
 head, generally given by clowns and lackeys, but a 
 genuine, polite, and gentlemanly loiv, which says as much 
 as " your servant, madam." 
 
 You need not stop to pull off your glove to shake 
 hands with a lady or gentleman. If it is warm 
 weather it is more agreeable to both parties that the 
 glove should be on especially if it is a lady with 
 whom you shake hands, as the perspiration of your 
 bare hand would be very likely to soil her glove. 
 
 The English have a rule of etiquette, that if you 
 are introduced to a person of higher position in socie- 
 ty than yourself, you must never recognize him when 
 you meet until you see whether he intends to notice 
 you. The meaning of this rule is, that you should bo 
 polite to nobody until you see whether they mean to 
 be polite to you, which is simply refusing politeness in 
 the name of politeness itself. There is a story of an 
 unfortunate clerk of the Treasury, who dined one day 
 at the Beef-steak club, where he sat next to a Duke, 
 who conversed freely with him at dinner. The next 
 day meeting the Duke in the street he saluted him. 
 But his grace, drawing himself up, said, " May I know, 
 sir, to whom I have the honor of speaking ?" " Why, 
 we dined together at the club yesterday I am Mr. 
 Timms, of the Treasury," was the reply. " Then," 
 said the Duke, turning on his heel, " Mr. Timms, of 
 the Treasury, I wish you a good-morning." Though 
 this anecdote is related in the English books as an ex- 
 ample of etiquette, it is undoubtedly true that Mr. 
 
212 THE AMERICAN CODE OF POLITENESS. 
 
 Timing, of the Treasury, was the politest man of the 
 two, for even if he had made a mistake in being a 
 little familiar in his politeness, had the Duke been 
 really a polite man he would have made the best of it, 
 by returning the salutation, instead of the brutal 
 mortification which he heaped upon the clerk of the 
 Treasury. Every body has read the anecdote of 
 Washington, who politely returned the salutation of a 
 negro, which caused his friend to ask if he " bowed to 
 a negro." " To be sure I did ; do you think that I 
 would allow a negro to outdo me in politeness ?" said 
 Washington. This is the American rule. Everybody 
 in this country may be polite to everybody and if 
 any one is too haughty and too ill-bred to return the 
 salutation, with him alone rests the responsibility and 
 the shame. 
 
 If you have guests in your house, you are to appear 
 to feel that they are all equal for the time, for they all 
 have an equal claim upon your courtesies. Those of 
 the humblest condition will receive full as much atten- 
 tion as the rest, in order that you shall not painfully 
 make them feel their inferiority. 
 
 An English author has well said, that there is no 
 more common or absurd mistake, than supposing that, 
 because people are of high rank, they cannot be vul- 
 gar ; or that, if people be in an obscure station, they 
 cannot be well-bred. We have seen as many instances 
 of vulgarity in a peer as could be found in a grazier ; 
 and have noticed as many examples of a perfect free- 
 
GENERAL RULES. 213 
 
 dom from the least taint of it in persons in humble 
 life as could be desired in a duchess. It is on this 
 idea that the American code of etiquette is based. 
 Pope has it 
 
 Honor and shame from no condition rise ; 
 Act well your part, there all the honor lies. 
 
 A sensible English author says : Nothing more clearly 
 indicates the true gentlemen than a desire evinced to 
 oblige or accommodate whenever it is possible or sea- 
 sonable. It forms the broad distinction between the 
 well-bred man of the world, and the coarse and brutal 
 crowd the irreclaimably vulgar vulgar, not from 
 their inferiority of station, but because they are coarse 
 and brutal. Nevertheless, we often find persons so 
 selfish and supercilious, and of so equivocal an impor- 
 tance, that they fancy any compliance with the wishes 
 of the many would tend to lessen their dignity in the 
 eyes of their companions, and who foolishly imagine 
 that a good coat places them above the necessity of 
 conciliating the feelings of the multitude by the per- 
 formance of an act of courtesy. It is evident there can- 
 not be a greater mistake, since even the lower classes 
 (whatever their own practices may be) keenly appre- 
 ciate, and gratefully acknowledge, the slightest con- 
 sideration shown to them by their superiors. 
 
 You, of course, will never offer a person the chair 
 in which you are sitting, unless there is no other in the 
 room ; and you will be careful not to sit down in a 
 chair which you know to be the one in which the lady 
 
214 THE AMERICAN CODE OF POLITENESS. 
 
 or gentleman of the house usually sits, even though they 
 are absent. Many persons would just as soon see a 
 stranger using their tooth-brush, as sitting in the chair 
 which they always occupy themselves. 
 
 It is bad manners to satirize lawyers in the presence 
 of lawyers, or doctors in the presence of one of that 
 calling, and so of all the professions. Nor should you 
 rail against bribery and corruption in the presence of 
 politicians, (especially of a New York politician,) or 
 members of Congress, as they will have good reason to 
 suppose that you are driving at them. It is the aim of 
 politeness to leave the arena of social intercourse un- 
 tainted with any severity of lar-guage, or bitterness of 
 feeling. There are places and occasions where wrong 
 must be exposed and reproved, b ? t it is an unpardon- 
 able piece of rudeness to attempt such things at your 
 own or another's social party, where every thing is 
 carefully to be avoided that can in the least disturb the 
 happiness of any one. For this reason all kinds of 
 controversies are, as a general rule, to be avoided at 
 such times. 
 
 If you would render yourself pleasing in social par- 
 ties, never speak to gratify any particular vanity or 
 passion of your own, but always aim to interest or 
 amuse others by themes which you know are in accord- 
 ance with their tastes and understandings. Even a 
 well-bred minister will avoid introducing his profes- 
 sional habits and themes at such places. He knows 
 that the guest? were not invited there to listen to a 
 
GENERAL RULES. 215 
 
 serkion, and there may be some who differ with him in 
 opinions, who would have good reason to feel them- 
 selves insulted by being thus forced to listen to him. 
 
 Avoid restlessless in company, lest you make the 
 whole party as fidgety as yourself. " Do not beat the 
 1 Devil's tattoo 7 by drumming with your fingers on the 
 table ; it cannot fail to annoy every one within hear- 
 ing, and is the index of a vacant mind. Neither read 
 the newspaper in an audible whisper, as it disturbs the 
 attention of these near you. Both these bad habits are 
 particularly offensive where most common, that is, iu 
 a counting or news-room. Remember, that a careless- 
 ness as to what may incommode others is the sure 
 sign of a coarse and ordinary mind ; indeed, the essen- 
 tial part of good breeding is more in the avoidance of 
 whatever may be disagreeable to others, than even an 
 accurate observance of the customs of good society," 
 
 It is a great thing to be able to ivalk like a gentle- 
 man that is, to get rid of the awkward, lounging, 
 swinging gait of a clown, and stop before you reach 
 the affected and flippant step of a dandy. In short, 
 nothing but being a gentleman can ever give you the 
 real air and step of one. A man who has a shallow or 
 an impudent brain will be quite sure to show it in his 
 heels, in spite of all that rules of manners can do for 
 him. 
 
 Never address a person by his or her initial letter, 
 as "Mr. C.. w or "Mr. S." It is as vulgar as a fish- 
 
216 THE AMERICAN CODE OF POLITENESS. 
 
 monger's style. What can be more abominable than 
 to hear a woman speak of her husband as *' Mr. P. ! " 
 as though he had become whittled down, in her esti- 
 mation, until there is nothing left of him but a single 
 letter. 
 
 If you should ever be introduced to the family of a 
 foreign nobleman who happens to be travelling in this 
 country, be careful not to address them as " My Lord," 
 or " My Lady/ 7 which is only customary among servants 
 in their own country. " Your Lordship," and " Your 
 Ladyship " would be proper ; but even these, good taste 
 will dictate that you should use sparingly, just often 
 enough to show that you are aware of the position 
 they occupy at home. 
 
 Be careful not to be over-nice and particular, or you 
 will impress people with the idea that your life began 
 in vulgarity, and you are now trying so hard to get 
 away from it, that you rush to the opposite extreme. 
 Not long since, we heard a lady call Spiten-devil creek 
 " Spiten du vd creek;" and, some time ago, we saw 
 one horrified beyond description, because some one 
 used the word " breeches " in her hearing. But there 
 was a legend among the old settlers in the neigh- 
 borhood that she was not always so particular in 
 ither days when she was a milliner. These clumsy and 
 : ffected attempts at refinement are generally taken as 
 ( igns that those who practise them began life very 
 near the bottom of the hill. 
 
GENERAL fcULES. 217 
 
 There is a vulgar custom among* some women of this 
 country, of using their husband s titles as marKs of dis- 
 tinction for themselves, which they sometimes have even 
 pr inted on their cards, as " Mrs. Capt. Smith," " Mrs. 
 Col. Brown," " Mrs. Governor Bibbs," " Mrs. Alder- 
 man Tibbs." Not long since, we saw a large trunk, 
 with one whole end occupied witli the following label : 
 14 MRS. LIEUTENANT SPRAGUE, U. S. A., San Francisco.' 7 
 A man who was looking at this queer sight, asked a 
 bystander the meaning of those letters, and received 
 this wicked and impolite answer : " Why, those letters 
 generally mean United States Army, but there I sup- 
 pose they must mean Ugly, Silly Ass." The above 
 parvenu custom was borrowed from the North of Eng- 
 land, but has never been practised by really well-bred 
 people in this country. 
 
 It is not well to use the words " genteel " and " gen- 
 tility," in speaking of fashionable and refined people, 
 as these words are now generally used as a sneer 
 by the vulgar, to indicate what they regard as finery 
 and affectation in polite society. 
 
 An excessive suavity of manners is not only dis- 
 pleasing it is disgusting for it is generally a sign 
 of insincerity and deception. 
 
 There is nothing more offensive to a gentleman than 
 the puppyism of many young gallants, who are per- 
 petually boasting of the attentions which are bestowed 
 upon them by the fair sex. A well-bred man not only 
 10 
 
THE AMERICAN CODE OF POLITENESS. 
 
 never boast? of suef attentions, but he never even ad 
 inits that he has received them. In this particular the 
 young Japanese lad, Tommy, showed his good breed- 
 ing, when a lady, in a private box at Niblo's theatre, 
 said to him, " Tommy, they say the ladies are all very 
 fond of you ; " to which he replied, " No, ma'am, I 
 t ; peak American language. Ladies like to speak to 
 me so do gentlemen ; they understand me, I under- 
 stand them. They say, * How do, Tommy 1 ' shake 
 hands, and I say, ' Very well, sir, ma'am ' shake hands, 
 too. No more." It will be seen that Tommy sought 
 for a proper reason why the ladies were fond of 
 speaking to him. 
 
 No gentleman will stand in the doors of hotels, nor 
 on the corners of the streets, gazing impertinently at 
 the ladies as they pass. That is such an unmistakable 
 sign of a loafer, that one can hardly imagine a well- 
 bred man doing such a thing. 
 
 In walking with a lady, it is customary to give her 
 the right arm ; but where circumstances render it more 
 convenient to give her the left, it may properly be 
 done. If you are walking with a lady on a crowded 
 street, like Broadway, by all means give her the out- 
 side, as that will prevent her from being perpetually 
 jostled and run against by the hurrying crowd. 
 
 A well-bred man will not take a seat by the side of 
 a lady with whom he is unacquainted, in a railroad car, 
 unless there is no other seat for him ; and if he is com- 
 
GENERAL RULES. 219 
 
 pelled to take such a seat, he politely apologises to 
 the lady for doing so, in some such manner as saying 
 that he is very sorry to disturb her, but there is no 
 other vacant seat in the car. 
 
 Do not pretend to be what you are not, for no pre- 
 tension can long hide what you in reality are. The 
 thin veil is soon seen through, and by trying to de- 
 ceive, in relation to your deserts, you will be judged 
 an impostor in all things, and, as such, kicked out of 
 society. 
 
 Do not assume too much for yourself and your fam- 
 ily. For the man who gives himself airs of impor- 
 tance only exhibits the credentials of his own insignifi- 
 cance. It is known that the man of real position does 
 not talk about it. 
 
 Affectation in anything that belongs to you is only 
 holding a candle to your own defects. Besides, by 
 affectation you insult every company you are in, for 
 you assume that they are shallow enough to be de- 
 ceived by your flippancy. 
 
 Exhibiting yourself as better and more pious than 
 other men is another way of insulting your associates. 
 The devout man never affects any remarkable degree 
 of piety it is the hypocrite who puts on godly airs. 
 
 It is a mark of ill-breeding to refuse praise where 
 praise is evidently due ; and, 'on the other hand, 
 
 
220 THE AMERICAN CODE OF POLITENESS. 
 
 nothing can be more vulgar than indiscriminate and 
 insincere praise. It is the next thing to abuse. 
 
 A proud and disdainful deportment is insulting to 
 every company you may be in, and to every man 
 you meet. Every one owes affability and good-nature 
 to society. 
 
 It is a mark of weakness and sycophancy to run in- 
 discriminately after every notoriety that comes along. 
 It shows a lack of judgment, as well as of taste, for it 
 will not do to be always led in the current of popular 
 applause. Esteem and admiration are not always be- 
 stowed on those who best deserve them. They are 
 often stolen from the public by those who have the 
 art of setting off moderate qualifications, which fre- 
 quently gives more reputation than real merit. 
 
 Nothing detracts more from the character of a gen- 
 tleman than the exhibition of envy. He that perpetu- 
 ally manifests this bad spirit, not only tells everybody 
 about him that he knows himself to bo despised, but 
 he renders himself the annoyance of every company. 
 
 Giving advice when it is not asked, is an imperti- 
 nence that a gentleman is never guilty of. It is as- 
 suming a superiority on your part which even tho 
 firmest friendship will find it difficult to forgive. 
 
 Avoid going into company when you are what is 
 called out of sorts, or peevish and dull. People get 
 
i.ULES. 221 
 
 together in company to enjoy themselves, and if you 
 arc not in a condition to enjoy nor to be enjoyed, by all 
 means stay at home. 
 
 There is no part of personal manners which is more 
 significant than the mode of shaking hands. A coun- 
 try bumpkin seizes your hand with as much violence as 
 though he were catching a pig, arid if he does not break 
 your fingers it is a mercy. The fop languidly gives 
 you his hand, and you may shake it if you will, but it 
 cannot be said that he grasps yours. The consequential 
 f.nd impertinent stripling holds out, in a patronizing 
 manner, two fingers, or, perhaps, only his forefinger, 
 which you may touch, unless you prefer to use the toe 
 of your boot. It is needless to say that no gentle- 
 'iH'Oi is found shaking hands after either of these 
 fashions. 
 
 The following witty remarks we copy from the Pa- 
 
 ;n Code of Politeness : " Propriety in the carriage 
 of the body is especially indispensable to ladies. It 
 
 y this that, in a ball, a walk, or any assembly, 
 people who cannot converse with them judge of their 
 
 its and their good education. How many dancers 
 movo off, and how many persons sigh with pity to see 
 a beautiful woman, who has a mincing gait, affects 
 grace, inclines her head affectedly, and who seems to 
 
 ,;ire herself incessantly and invite others to do the 
 samel "Who ever makes up his mind to enter into 
 conversation with an immovable lady, and one who is 
 formal and precise, lengthening out the body, pressing 
 
222 THE AMERICAN CODE OP P01ITENESS. 
 
 the lips, and carrying back tlie elbows as if they were 
 fastened to her side ?" 
 
 " It is not good ton for a lady to speak too quick 
 or too loud. When seated, she ought neither to cross 
 her legs nor take any vulgar attitude. She should 
 occupy her chair entirely, and appear neither too rest- 
 less nor too immovable. It is altogether out of place 
 for her to throw her drapery around her in sitting 
 down, or to spread out her dress for display, as upstarts 
 do, in order to avoid the least rumple." 
 
 In walking, a lady ought to have a modest and 
 measured gait ; too great hurry injures the grace which 
 ought to characterize her j a flaunting carriage betrays 
 etourderie, or boldness ; she should not turn her head, 
 or stare about her ; such a habit seems an invitation 
 to the impertinent. 
 
 Immoderate laughter is exceedingly unbecoming in 
 a lady ; she may affect the dimple or the smile, but 
 should carefully avoid any approximation to a horse- 
 laugh. Laughers have been ranged under the follow- 
 ing heads : 
 
 THE DIMPLERS. 
 
 THE SMILERS. 
 THE LAUGHERS. 
 THE GRINNERS. 
 THE HORSE-LAUGHERS. 
 
GENERAL RULES. 223 
 
 The dimple is practised to give a grace to the fea- 
 ures, and is frequently made a bait to entangle a gaz- 
 ;-ng lover. This was called by the ancients the chain- 
 laugh. 
 
 The smile is for the most part confined to the fair 
 sex and their male retinue. It expresses our satisfac- 
 tion in a sort of liberal approbation ; it does not too 
 much disorder the features, and is practised by lovers 
 of the most delicate address. This tender emotion of 
 physiognomy the ancients called the Ionic-laugh. 
 
 The laugh among us is the common risus of the 
 ancients, and is simply an expansion of the smile, 
 accompanied by a slight cachination. 
 
 The grin, by writers of antiquity, is called the Syn- 
 crusian, and was then, as it is now, made use of to 
 display a beautiful set of teeth. 
 
 The horse-laugh is an undue expansion of the laugh, 
 accompanied with a boisterous noise, and is not allow- 
 able in polite society. It may be, however, and often 
 is, made use of in all kinds of disputation. Those 
 who are proficient in it, by a well-timed laugh, will 
 often baffle the most solid reasoner. This, upon all 
 occasions, supplies the want of reason ; is always re- 
 ceived with great applause in coffee-houses, disputes, 
 and wranglings ; and that side which the laugh joing 
 */ith, generally gets the better of its antagonist. 
 
224 THE AMERICAN CODE OF rOLITEXESS. 
 
 ON TALKING IN COMPANY. 
 
 A man is quite sure to show his good or bad breed' 
 ing the instant he opens his mouth to talk in company. 
 If he is a gentleman he starts no subject of conversa- 
 tion that can possibly be displeasing to any person 
 present. The ground is common to all, and no one has 
 a right to monopolize any part of it for his own par- 
 ticular opinions, in politics or religion. No one is 
 there to make proselytes, but every one has been in- 
 vited, to be agreeable and to please. 
 
 At such times you should avoid appearing dogmati- 
 cal and too positive in any assertions you make, which 
 can possibly be subject to any contradiction. He that 
 is peremptory in his own story, may meet with another 
 as positive as himself to contradict him, and then tlio 
 two Sir Positives will be cure to have a skirmish. 
 
 You will forbear to interrupt a person who is tell- 
 ing a story, even though he is making historical mis- 
 takes in dates and facts. If he makes mistakes it is 
 his own fault, and it is not your business to mortify 
 him by attempting to correct his blunders in presence 
 of those with whom he is ambitious to stand well. 
 
 If a man is telling that which is as old as the hills, 
 or which you believe to be false, the better way is to 
 let him go on. Why should you refuse a man the 
 pleasure of believing that' he is telling you something 
 which you never heard before ? Besides, by refusing 
 
ON TALKING IN COMPANY. 225 
 
 to believe him, or by telling him that his story is old, 
 you not only mortify him, but the whole company is 
 made uneasy, and, by sympathy, share his mortifica- 
 tion. 
 
 Avoid raillery and sarcasm in social parties. They 
 are. weapons which few can use ; and because you 
 happen to have a razor in your possession, that is no 
 reason why you should be allowed to cut the throats 
 of the rest who are unarmed. Malicious jests at the 
 expense of those who are present or absent, show that 
 he who uses them is devoid both of the instincts and 
 habits of a gentleman. Where two individuals or the 
 whole company agree to banter each other with good- 
 natured sallies of wit, it is very pleasant, but the least 
 taint of ill-nature spoils all. 
 
 If you are really a wit, remember, that in conversa- 
 tion its true office consists more in finding it in others, 
 than showing off a great deal of it yourself. He who 
 goes out of your company pleased with himself is sure 
 to be pleased with you. Even as great a man as Dr. 
 Johnson once retired from a party where everybody 
 had spent the evening in listening to him, and re- 
 marked, as he went out, " We have had a pleasant 
 evening, and much excellent conversation." 
 
 A sure way to please in conversation is to hunt up 
 as many of each others' excellencies as possible, and 
 be as blind as possible to each others' imperfections. 
 There is no compromise of principle in this, for you 
 
THE AMERICAN CODE OF POLITENESS. 
 
 are to Consider that a social party is not intended as a 
 school for reform, or a pulpit to denounce sin in.. 
 
 Talk as little of yourself as possible, or of any sci- 
 ence or business in which you have acquired fame. 
 There is a banker in New York who is always certain 
 to occupy the time of every party he gets into, by 
 talking of his per cents, and boasting that he began life 
 without a cent which every one readily believes ; and 
 if he were to add that he began life in a pig-pen, they 
 would believe that too. 
 
 Even if you are not a good talker, try to sustain 
 some share of the conversation ; for you as easily in- 
 sult a company by maintaining a contemptuous silence, 
 as by engrossing all the talk. 
 
 Listen attentively and patiently to what is said. It 
 is a great and difficult talent to be a good listener, 
 but it is one which the well-bred man has to acquire, 
 at whatever pains. 
 
 If you meet an ill-bred fellow in company, whose 
 voice and manners are offensive to you, you cannot 
 resent it at the time, because by so doing you compel 
 the whole company to be spectators of your quarrel, 
 and the pleasure of the party would be spoiled. 
 
 Don't talk of " the opera " in the presence of those 
 who are not frequenters of it. They will imagine that 
 you are showing off, or that you are lying, and that 
 
ON INTRODUCTIONS. 227 
 
 you have never been to the opera twice in your life. 
 For the same reason, avoid too frequently speaking 
 of your acquaintance with celebrated men, unless you 
 are a public man yourself, who would be supposed to 
 have such acquaintance. * 
 
 By all means, shun the vulgar habit of joking at the 
 expense of women. All such tricks as refusing a lady 
 a piece of tongue, because " women already have tonyc, 
 enough" are as vulgar as they are old and stale. The 
 man Tho does not respect woman, exposes himself to 
 the sv-spicion of associating generally with the fallen 
 portion of the sex. And besides, he has no right to 
 make a respectable parlor or drawing-room the thea- 
 tre of such vulgar jokes and railing against the sex as 
 go down in low society. 
 
 ON INTRODUCTIONS. 
 
 The custom which prevails in country places of in- 
 troducing everybody you meet to each other, is both 
 an annoying and an improper one. As a general rule, 
 introductions ought not to be made, except where 
 there is undoubted evidence that the acquaintance 
 would be mutually agreeable and proper. 
 
 It is customary, in introducing people, to present 
 the youngest person to the oldest, or the humblest to 
 the highest in position, if there is any distinction. 
 
228 THE AMERICAS CODE OF POLITENESS. 
 
 thus : " Mr. Thompson, allow mo to present to you. Mr. 
 Smith ;" or, " I wish to make you acquainted with Mr. 
 Smith." The gentleman is always presented to tho 
 lady, as, "Mrs. Johnson, I have the pleasure of pre- 
 senting to you Mr. Simpson.' 7 When you introduce 
 parties which you are quite sure will be pleased with 
 each other, it is well to add, after the introduction, 
 that you take great pleasure in making them acquaint- 
 ed, which will be an assurance to each that you think 
 they are well matched, and thus they are prepared to 
 be friends from the start. 
 
 In introducing parties, be careful to pronounce each 
 name distinctly, as there is nothing more awkward 
 than to have one's name miscalled ; for instance, for a 
 man whose name is Morehead to be called Moleheacl, 
 or Grimshaw to be called Grimslianks. Mistakes 
 quite as unpleasant as these are constantly occurring, 
 in consequence of indistinct introductions. 
 
 When you are introduced to a person, be careful 
 not to appear as though you had never heard of him 
 before. If he happens to be a person of any dis- 
 tinction, such a mistake would be unpardonable, and 
 no person, is complimented by being reminded of the 
 fact that his name is unknown. 
 
 If by any misfortune you have been introduced to a 
 person whose acquaintance you do not desire, you can 
 merely make the formal bow of etiquette when you 
 meet him, which, of itself, encourages no familiarity ; 
 
OX INTRODUCTIONS. 220 
 
 but llu low ' usalle, for he cannot be tlioii 
 
 a gentleman who would pass another with a vacant 
 e, after having* been formally presented to him. 
 By so doing, he would offer a slight which would just- 
 ly make him appear contemptible even in the eyes of 
 the person he means to humble. 
 
 What is called " cutting" another is never practised 
 by gentlemen or ladies, except in some extraordinary 
 instances of bad conduct on the part of the individual 
 thus sacrificed. An increased degree of ceremony and 
 formal politeness is the most delicate way of with- 
 drawing from an unpleasant acquaintance. Indeed, 
 what is called " cutting" is rarely ever practised by 
 well-bred ladies and gentlemen. 
 
 Letters of introduction are to be regarded as certifi- 
 cates of respectability, and are therefore never to be 
 given where you do not feel sure on this point. To 
 send a person of whom you know nothing into the 
 confidence and family of a friend, is an unpardonable 
 recklessness. In England, letters of introduction are 
 called " tickets to soup," because it is generally cus- 
 tomary to invite a gentleman to dine who comes with 
 a letter of introduction to you. Such is also tho 
 practice, to some extent, in this country, but etiquette 
 here does not make the dinner so essential as there. 
 
 In England, the party holding a letter of introduc- 
 tion never takes it himself to the party to whom it is 
 addressed, but ho sends it with his card of add. 
 
230 THE AMERICAN CODE OF POLITENESS. 
 
 Iii France, and on the continent of Europe generally, 
 directly the reverse is the fashion. In America the 
 English custom generally prevails ; though where a 
 young gentleman has a letter to one who is many 
 years his senior, or to one whose aid he seeks in some 
 enterprise, he takes it at once himself. 
 
 When a gentleman, bearing a letter of introduction 
 to you, leaves his card, you should call on him, or send 
 a note, as early as possible. There is no greater in- 
 sult than to treat a letter of fntroduction with indiffer- 
 ence. After you have made this call, it is, to some ex> 
 tent, optional with you as to what further attentions 
 you shall pay the party. In this country everybody 
 is supposed to be very busy, which is always a suffi- 
 cient excuse for not paying elaborate attentions to 
 visitors. It is not demanded that any man shall 
 neglect his business to wait upon visitors or guests. 
 
 Letters of mere introduction are not sealed by the 
 parties who write them ; but the parties taking them 
 may seal them or not, as they please, before delivering 
 them. 
 
 02T DRESS. 
 
 Well-bred people do not often dress in what is call- 
 ed the " heighth of fashion," as that is generally left to 
 dandies and pretenders. But still it is undoubtedly a 
 great point gained to be well dressed. To be fanci- 
 
ON DRESS. 231 
 
 fully dressed, in gaudy colors, is to be very badly 
 dressed, however, and is an example of ill taste which 
 is rarely met with among people of substantial good 
 breeding. 
 
 Cleanliness and neatness are the invariable accom- 
 paniments of good breeding. Every gentleman may 
 not be dressed expensively, he may not be able to do 
 so ; but water is cheap, and no gentleman will ever go 
 into company unmindful of cleanliness either in his 
 person or apparel. 
 
 Did any lady ever see a gentleman with an embroi- 
 dered waistcoat, and a profusion of chains, rings, and 
 trinkets adorning his person ? 
 
 Avoid affecting singularity in dress. Expensive 
 dressing is no sign of a gentlemen. If a gentleman is 
 able to dress expensively it is very well for him to do 
 so, but if lie is not able to wear ten-dollar broadcloth, 
 lie may comfort himself with the reflection that cloth 
 which costs but three dollars a yard will look quite as 
 well when made into a well-fitting coat. With this 
 suit, and well-made shoes, clean gloves, a white pocket- 
 handkerchief, and an easy and graceful deportment 
 withal, he may pass muster as a gentleman. Manners 
 do quite as much to set off a suit of clothes as clothes 
 do to set off a graceful person. 
 
 Avoid what is called the " ruffianly style of dress," 
 or the ncmrialnnt and slov.ching appearance of a half 
 
232 THE AMERICAN CODE OP POLITENESS. 
 
 unbuttoned vest, and suspenderless pantaloons. That 
 sort of affectation is, if possible, even more disgusting 
 than the painfully elaborate frippery of the dandy. 
 
 Gentlemen never make any display of jewelry ; that 
 is given up entirely to the dominion of female taste. 
 But ladies of good taste seldom wear it in the morning. 
 It is reserved for evening display and for brilliant 
 parties. 
 
 ON EVENING PARTIES. 
 
 Invitations to evening parties are sent several days 
 before the party is to take place, and the answers 
 should invariably be returned immediately, accepting 
 or declining, with regrets. 
 
 In most of the American cities nine o'clock is the 
 hour which custom has established as the time for the 
 lady to be in her parlor, ready to receive her guests, 
 and by ten o'clock all the guests should arrive. It is 
 an affectation, not entirely devoid of assumption and 
 impudence, for people to purposely delay their appear- 
 ance till a very late hour. 
 
 In large and formal parties, it is generally custom- 
 ary for the servant to announce the names of the guests 
 as they enter the room, but this is a ceremony well 
 
OX EVENING PARTIES. 233 
 
 enough dispensed with, except on occasions of very 
 large and formal parties. 
 
 It is the business of the lady of the house to be near 
 the door to receive her guests : if she is not there, you 
 need not go hunting through the crowd after her. We 
 were once at a brilliant party in Philadelphia, where a 
 young man, who had evidently read in some book on 
 politeness that it was his duty to make his first address 
 to the lady of the house, went tearing through the 
 crowd after her, like an engine, carrying with him 
 one side of a lady's dress, and overturning a small table 
 that held a pitcher of lemonade, until he brought up 
 against, and nearly unseated, a young lady who was 
 presiding at the piano : an incident which shows tha/ 
 without good sense it is impossible to be a gentleman. 
 
 In leaving a party, if you go before it breaks up, 
 seek the lady of the house, and bid her good-night as 
 quietly as possibly, and retire without attracting the 
 notice of the remaining guests. 
 
 If "a gentleman dances at a party, he does not kick 
 and caper about like a monkey, nor sway his body to 
 and fro like a public dancer upon the stage. lie par- 
 ticularly avoids showing off at such times, unless he ij 
 ambitious to be taken for a dancing-master, between 
 whose manners and those of a gentleman there is the 
 widest difference. 
 
 I have already said that really well-bred r.eoplo 
 are never guilty of the abominable sin of backbiting ; 
 
234 THE AMERICAN CODE OF POLITENESS. 
 
 but yet there are thousands of people in the world 
 who think themselves well-bred, whose mouths are 
 guillotines to every good name that gets into them. 
 Aaron Burr, who was one of the most refined and ac- 
 complished gentlemen that ever lived, used to say, 
 that " the gulf between Dives and Lazarus was not 
 greater than that between a gentleman and a calum- 
 niator." Par ton, in his interesting life of this extra- 
 ordinary man, relates the following characteristic an- 
 ecdote : 
 
 " Some gentlemen were in his room one evening, 
 when the conversation took a severer tone than he 
 liked. Now, speaking ill of any one, or the use of de- 
 nunciatory language, he never relished. After one of 
 his guests had finished some severe remarks, the lady 
 of the house stepped forward, and in a quick, grace- 
 ful manner peculiar to her, repeated the lines from 
 Burns' Address to the Unco Gude : 
 
 1 Then gently scan your brother man, 
 
 Still gentler sister woman ; 
 Though they may gang akennin' wrang, 
 
 To step aside is human : 
 One point must still be greatly dark, 
 
 The moving Why they do it, 
 And just as lamely can ye mark 
 
 How far, perhaps, they rue it. 
 
 1 Who made the heart, 'tis He alone 
 
 Decidedly can try us ; 
 He knows each chord its various tone, 
 Each spring its various bias; 
 
ON EVENING PARTIES. 1:35 
 
 Then at the balance let's be mute 
 
 We never can adjust it ; 
 What's done we partly may compute, 
 
 But know not what's resisted.' 
 
 Good-hnmor was restored, and a better spirit pre- 
 vailed in the company. Burr, who had lain silent up to 
 this time, now expressed the keenest delight. ' Now 
 good ! ' he kept whispering ' how very good. So 
 like you, my dear ; so like you ! ' He was exceedingly 
 pleased, and often alluded to the scene and the lines 
 afterwards." 
 
 Remember, that if good fortune get you the esteem 
 of the public, still nothing but merit can procure the 
 respect and confidence of men of sense and virtue. 
 
 Of all the sinners against the laws of politeness, the 
 braggar or the liar is one of the greatest. False pre- 
 tending is one of the sure signs of ill-bred rascality. 
 Not long ago, a family moved from the city a few 
 miles out into a small country village, where the father, 
 mother, sons, and daughters all commenced boasting 
 of their associations and splendor in the city. But it 
 soon became known -that the head of this swaggering 
 family was, a few years ago, a roper-in for a gambling 
 hell, and a decoy-duck for a still more disreputable 
 place, in Philadelphia ; and afterwards a keeper of a 
 vile den in California ; and, finally, the proprietor of 
 a faro-bank, and a manufacturer of illegal and inde- 
 cent wares in New York city, where he brought up 
 his daughters as shining lights of a free-love club. 
 
23G THE AMERICAN CODE OF POLITENESS. 
 
 Every member of this leprous family at once set up to 
 be censors of the village manners, and slanderers of 
 the moral excellence which they naturally enough 
 hated. But vain are the thin disguises in which low 
 vice tries to hide itself ! Every well-bred person 
 at once detects all false pretending to respectability. 
 The true coin of good breeding is so indelibly stamped 
 with unmistakable grace and naturalness, that no 
 counterfeit can ever be made to imitate it. The only 
 sensible thing for people of the character described 
 above is, to keep as quiet, and remain as much in the 
 dark, as possible. 
 
 The man who has no merit himself will always be en- 
 vious of the merit of others ; and, therefore, by abusing 
 others, you expose yourself to the suspicion of being 
 destitute of character. 
 
 Modest people seldom fail to gain the good-will 
 and respect of those with whom they converse, because 
 nobody is envious of those who make no pretension to 
 any especial claims upon their respect. 
 
 Do not forget that no matter how eloquent you 
 may be, you will please most people more by listening 
 to them than by talking yourself. 
 
 An overdone politeness is the next thing to rude- 
 ness, for it presumes upon your own superiority, or 
 upon the inexperience of the one to whom you address 
 yourself. 
 
ON EVENING PARTIES. 237 
 
 The reason why we meet with so few people who 
 are really agreeable in conversation is, because men 
 generally think more of what they shall say them- 
 selves, than they do of properly answering what is 
 said to them. 
 
 You cannot be too careful of the company you 
 keep, because bad manners are as catching as infec- 
 tious diseases. 
 
 Great talents for conversation, if not accompanied 
 with the most vigilant politeness, will get a man many 
 enemies ; because, if you eclipse others in conversa- 
 tion, you must pay them great civilities to keep from 
 wounding their pride. 
 
 Eemember that there are but few good story-tellers, 
 and that unless you are a rare exception to the gene- 
 rality of mankind, it will be a hazardous thing for 
 you to attempt to tell stories in company. 
 
 If you have been abroad in foreign lands, avoid 
 alluding to the fact, or relating what you saw and did 
 there, except in the company of friends who you arc 
 sure are anxious to hear you ; for it is very easy to 
 arouse the envy and hatred of those who have enjoyed 
 less advantages in seeing the world than yourself. 
 
238 THE AMERICAN CODE OF POLITENESS. 
 
 MARRIAGE. 
 
 I have already said, that when a man marries, it is 
 understood that all former acquaintanceship ends, 
 unless he intimate a desire to renew it, by sending 
 you his own and his wife's card, if near, or by letter, 
 if distant. If this be neglected, be sure no further 
 intercourse is desired. 
 
 In the first place a bachelor is seldom very par- 
 ticular in the choice of his companions. So long as 
 L.e is amused, he will associate freely enough with 
 those whose morals and habits would point them out 
 as highly dangerous persons to introduce into the 
 sanctity of domestic life. 
 
 Secondly a married man has the tastes of another 
 to consult ; and the friend of the husband may not be 
 equally acceptable to the wife. 
 
 Besides newly-married people may wish to limit 
 the circle of their friends, from praiseworthy motives 
 of economy. When a man " sets up " in the world, 
 the burthen of an extensive and indiscriminate ac- 
 quaintance may be felt in various ways. Many have 
 had cause to regret the weakness of mind which 
 allowed them to plunge into a vortex of gayety and 
 expense they could ill afford, from which they have 
 found it difficult to extricate themselves, and the effects 
 of which have proved a serious evil to them in after 
 life. 
 
DANCING. 239 
 
 DANCING. 
 
 With the etiquette of a ball-room, so far as it goes, 
 there are but few people unacquainted. Certain per- 
 sons are appointed to act as stewards, or there will 
 be a " master of the ceremonies," whose office it is to 
 see that everything be conducted in a proper manner : 
 if you a-re entirely a stranger, it is to them you must 
 apply for a partner, and point out (quietly) any young 
 lady with whom you should like to dance, when, if 
 there be no obvious inequality of rank, they will pre- 
 sent you for that purpose ; should there be an objec- 
 tion, they will probably select some one they consider 
 more suitable ; but do not, on any account, go to a 
 strange lady by yourself, and request her to dance, as 
 she will unhesitatingly " decline the honor," and think 
 you an impertinent fellow for your presumption. 
 
 Any presentation to a lady in a public ball-room, 
 for the mere purpose of dancing, does not entitle you 
 to claim her acquaintance afterwards ; therefore, should 
 you meet her, at most you may lift your hat ; but 
 even that is better avoided, unless, indeed, she first 
 bow, as neither she nor her friends can know who 
 or what you are. 
 
 Lead the lady through the quadrille ; do not drag 
 her, nor clasp her hand as if it were made of wood, 
 lest she, not unjustly, think you a bear. 
 
 You will not, if you are wise, stand up in a quad 
 
240 THE AMERICAN CODE OP POLITENESS. 
 
 rille without knowing something of the figure ; and 
 if } r ou are master of a few of the steps, so much the 
 better. But dance quietly ; do not kick and caper 
 about, nor sway your body to and fro ; dance only 
 from the hips doivmvards ; and lead the lady as lightly 
 as you would tread a measure with a spirit of gossa- 
 mer. 
 
 Do not pride yourself on doing the " steps neatly," 
 unless you are ambitious of being taken for a dancing- 
 master ; between whose motions and those of a gen- 
 ileman there is a great difference. 
 
 If a lady should decline civilly to dance with you, 
 making an excuse, and you chance to see her dancing 
 afterwards, do not take any notice of it, nor be 
 offended with her. It might not be that she despised 
 you, but that she preferred another. We cannot 
 always fathom the hidden springs which influence a 
 woman's actions, and there are many bursting hearts 
 within white satin dresses ; therefore, do not insist 
 upon the fulfilment of established regulation " desig- 
 
 Besides, it is a hard case that women should be com- 
 pelled to dance with everybody offered them, at the 
 alternative of not being allowed to enjoy themselves 
 at all. 
 
 If a friend be engaged when you request her to 
 dance, and she promises to be your partner for the 
 
DANCING. 241 
 
 next or any of the following dances, do not neglect 
 her when the time comes, but be in readiness to fulfil 
 your office as her cavalier, or she may think that you 
 have studiously slighted her, besides preventing her 
 obliging some one else. Even inattention and forget- 
 fulness, by showing how little you care for a lady, 
 form in themselves a tacit insult. 
 
 If a lady waltz with you, beware not to press her 
 waist ; you must only lightly touch it with the palin 
 of your hand, lest you leave a disagreeable impression 
 not only on her ctinlure, but on her mind. 
 
 Above all, do not be prone to quarrel in a ball- 
 room ; it disturbs the harmony of the company, and 
 should be avoided if possible. Recollect, that a thou- 
 sand little derelictions from strict propriety may occur 
 through the ignorance or stupidity of the aggressor, 
 and not from any intention to annoy : remember, also, 
 that the really tvell-bred women will not thank you for 
 making them conspicuous by over-officiousness in then 
 defence, unless, indeed, there be some serious or glaring 
 violation of decorum. In small matters, ladies are 
 both able and willing to take care of themselves, and 
 would prefer being allowed to overwhelm the unlucky 
 offender in their own way. 
 
 If, while walking up and down a public promenade, 
 
 you should meet friends or acquaintances whom you 
 
 don't intend to join, it is only necessary to salute them 
 
 the first time of passing ; to bow or nod to them at 
 
 11 
 
242 THE AMERICAN CODE OF POLITENESS. 
 
 every round would be tiresome, and therefore im- 
 proper ; have no fear that they will deem you odd or 
 unfriendly, as, if they have any sense at all, they can 
 appreciate your reasons. If you have anything to say 
 to them, join them at once. 
 
ETIQUETTE AT WASHINGTON. 
 
 THE rules of social intercourse in the city of Wash- 
 ington, the capital of the United States, though in ac- 
 cordance with the customs of general good breeding 
 everywhere, are nevertheless destitute of that unity 
 and completeness which may be found in other Ameri- 
 can cities. What is called " society " in Washington 
 is made up chiefly of foreign diplomats and our own 
 statesmen and politicians, and the rules of etiquette 
 practised there are, to some little extent, varied or 
 modified by all the various European and American 
 localities which are represented in its community. 
 
 But, for all this, there is no place in our country 
 where etiquette is more inexorable, or exacting, than 
 in Washington. All small cities, which happen to be 
 capitals of great states, are sure to get intoxicated 
 with self-importance to put on airs, and become wise 
 in their own conceits. The well-bred man will not be 
 long in Washington before he will have occasion to 
 smile at the truth of this remark ; and if he perceives 
 a few things in their etiquette which are peculiar and 
 pedantic, he will not, of course, either disregard or at- 
 
 (243) 
 
244 THE AMERICAN CODE OF POLITENESS. 
 
 tempt to reform them, but readily fall in with the cus- 
 toms of fashionable life there. 
 
 There is a small pamphlet on the "Etiquette of 
 Washington," published in that city, all the essential 
 matter of which is condensed in the remaining pages 
 of this book. 
 
 DRESS. 
 
 " The very idea of a gentleman excludes that of a 
 fop or dandy. A gentleman will dress well, but never 
 gaudily. This rule alone, if properly attended to, 
 might serve for all that we have to say under this 
 head ; but, for the benefit of the young and inex- 
 perienced, whose welfare we have most at heart, we 
 will suggest a few things to be done, and others to be 
 omitted. We say, therefore, eschew an excess of jew- 
 elry. A breast-pin, or gold button with a chain, is 
 very well. A ring is also worn by some. Avoid 
 gaudiness and singularity. Adapt your dress to your 
 complexion. Washington, though a small place, is, in 
 one respect, quite metropolitan. During the winter 
 its society is made up of materials gathered from 
 all parts of the country, and all the styles as well as 
 all the politics of the country are represented here. 
 A gentleman, therefore, may suit his taste in respect 
 to the shape and material of his hat, coat. etc. The 
 same remarks apply to the dress of ladies, but they, in 
 the nature of things, are allowed greater variety of 
 colors, ornament, style, etc., etc." 
 
INTRODUCTIONS, CARDS, VISITING, ETC. 245 
 
 INTRODUCTIONS. CARDS, VISITING, &c. 
 
 It is not in good taste to give introductions, as a 
 matter of course, as is the custom in the country. The 
 reason of this restriction upon the natural dictates of 
 polite and amiable natures can be best understood by 
 those who live in cities. In the country, where every- 
 body knows everybody, and everybody's business, the 
 proverb that " a in an is known by the company he 
 keeps " loses much of its significance ; but in cities it 
 is literally true, and hence the disinclination of city 
 people to make acquaintances, whom it might become 
 inconvenient or distasteful to recognize on all oc- 
 casions. 
 
 It is safest, therefore, to omit introductions, without 
 a previous understanding with the parties, even at 
 the hazard of seeming rude. But common sense and 
 a knowledge of the parties will teach any one the 
 proper course to pursue. 
 
 Letters of introduction should never be given mi- 
 le^s the writer is well and favorably known to the 
 person addressed, and he should be sure that the party 
 introduced is worthy of respect and trust, in the 
 capacity in which he is introduced. The latter may 
 present the letter or not, as may suit his convenience. 
 The letter should be left unsealed by the writer. 
 
 The bearer of a letter of introduction should send 
 it with his card. He would thus avoid the awkward- 
 
246 THE AMERICAN CODE OF POLITENESS. 
 
 ness of waiting for a recognition while the party to 
 whom it is addressed reads it. The latter may find 
 it inconvenient to receive company, and the card would 
 afford him an opportunity to decline. 
 
 But if the letter be on business, it should be pre- 
 sented in person. Business dispenses with ceremony. 
 If you receive a letter introducing a gentleman, you 
 should at once leave your card for him at his lodgings. 
 
 Cards are indispensable to the inter couse of polite 
 society ; but we are constrained by our limited space 
 to omit specific directions for their use. 
 
 Visits of ceremony should be in the morning, and 
 should not last more than five to twenty minutes. A 
 card left at the door suffices for a morning call, among 
 very fashionable people. It is to be borne in mind 
 that in the fashionable world, morning never breaks 
 earlier than eleven o'clock, and. usually lasts until 
 three. The lady who receives calls should do so at 
 once, or send a servant to excuse her. When the call 
 is intended for both the gentleman and lady, the name 
 of the latter only should be mentioned. In making 
 a morning call, a gentleman should retain his hat in 
 his hand, which the lady will not notice. But if a 
 longer visit is intended, the hat, overcoat, &c.. should 
 be deposited in the hall before entering the room. 
 
 The lady of the house should never trouble her 
 guests with her household derangements, nor the gen- 
 
EVENING PARTIES. 2-17 
 
 tlcman with his business. The topics selected for 
 conversation should be general, and of an agreeable 
 nature. If the company agree in politics or religion, 
 it is delightful to interchange sentiments and impres- 
 sions of passing events ; but it is always awkward, if 
 not disagreeable and rude, to introduce controverted 
 questions. Very intelligent and polished people may 
 discuss politics without offence, but it requires the 
 utmost skill and delicacy to do so ; and, as a general 
 rule, all such discussions run into unpleasant disputa- 
 tion. 
 
 It is the custom in Washington for two or more 
 ladies, during the day, to visit the Capitol, the Patent 
 Office, the Smithsonian Institution, <fcc., unattended by 
 gentlemen, as otherwise they might be debarred many 
 enjoyments. Where it is inconvenient for a lady to 
 find a female companion in such a walk, it is sufficient 
 to have the attendance of a child. 
 
 EVENING- PARTIEa 
 
 Evening parties are most appropriate to the winter. 
 They are discontinued during Lent, but may be re- 
 sumed afterwards. Cards of invitation should be sent 
 to guests some days beforehand, and the latter should 
 immediately accept, or decline with regrets. The cards 
 should be in the name af the lady, either written or 
 engraved. Fashion has established nine o'clock as 
 
248 THE AMERICAN CODE OF POLITENESS. 
 
 the hour at which the lady should be in her parlor to 
 receive her guests ; and from that hour to ten the 
 guests are expected to arrive. 
 
 The lady should have everything arranged, so that 
 she will not be compelled to leave her guests to super^ 
 intend her household. The guests will be conducted 
 to the dressing-rooms, and the ladies, having adjusted 
 their toilets, will be attended to the drawing-room by 
 the gentlemen who accompany them. A servant some- 
 times announces the names of the guests as they enter 
 the room. The lady will precede the gentleman, or 
 lean on his arm. The lady of the house will be near 
 the door to receive them, and after a few words of 
 greeting, they will pass on, and join in conversation 
 with any of their acquaintances who may be present. 
 
 Gentlemen will not get together in groups to the 
 neglect of the ladies. 
 
 When a table is spread, the host will precede his 
 guests, in company with one of the ladies, followed 
 by the hostess. The gentlemen present will conduct 
 the ladies in a like manner. 
 
 When no table is spread, the refreshments will be 
 handed around, and the guests will help themselves. 
 At intervals, iced beverages will be passed around the 
 rooms for the refreshment of the guests. White or 
 very light-colored kid gloves are worn during the 
 evening, except at supper. 
 
DINNERS. 249 
 
 DINNERS, 
 
 Invitations to dinner-parties may be sent out from 
 two days to a fortnight before the appointed time. 
 They should be in the name of the lady, and the 
 acceptance or declination should be sent immediately, 
 addressed to her. It is also necessary that the lady 
 should be informed if any guest, after accepting the 
 invitation, will be prevented by subsequent circum- 
 stances from attending. The invitations should specify 
 the hour of dining, and the guests should be punctual 
 in arriving. In Washington, the hour for dinner- 
 parties is from four to seven o'clock. When dinner 
 is announced, each gentleman should offer his left arm 
 to a lady, if the dining-room is on the same floor 7 
 but if they are to descend the stairs, the lady should 
 be on the wall side. The host should lead the way, 
 and the lady should follow the company, on the arm 
 of a gentleman of the party. She will, of course, 
 take the head of the table, and should have a gentle- 
 man on either side to assist her in carving. Her 
 husband should sit opposite to her, with a lady on 
 each side of him. These positions next to the host 
 and hostess are considered the places of honor. Soup 
 will constitute the first course, which must be noise- 
 lessly sipped from the side of the spoon. It is impo- 
 lite to ask for a second plate. Fish usually follows 
 soup. It is helped with a silver fork, and eaten with 
 a silver fork, assisted by a piece of bread held in tho 
 left hand. 
 
 A knife of the usual metal is deemed highly inju- 
 II* 
 
250 THE AMERICAN CODE OF POLITENESS. 
 
 rious to the flavor of fisli. After this course, meat, 
 fowls, <tc., are served. The napkins are to be unfolded 
 and spread upon the knees. Finger-glasses will be 
 brought on with the dessert. They contain warm 
 water, with a bit of lemon in it. It is usual to clip a 
 corner of the napkin in the water, and wipe the lips ; 
 also to dip the fingers in and wipe them on the napkin. 
 It is highly disgusting to spit or blow the nose with a 
 loud explosive noise at the table. The knife is never 
 used to convey food to the mouth ; the fork being 
 generally sufficient for the purpose ; or it may be 
 assisted by a piece of bread in the left hand. The 
 servants should each be furnished with a clean white 
 napkin, with which to handle the plates of the guests. 
 Clean white gloves are sometimes used. Wine is not 
 drunk until the second course is over. The ladies are 
 helped to the kind of wine they prefer by the gentle- 
 man next to them. When the ladies retire, the gen- 
 tlemen should rise with them, and stand until they 
 leave the dining-room. Coffee may be served either 
 in the dining-room or parlor. 
 
 DEPORTMENT IN THE STREET. 
 
 The toilet should be thoroughly adjusted before 
 leaving the house, even to the putting on the gloves. 
 The great point in walking is to be natural. All 
 affected airs are contemptible. On the other hand, 
 an awkward or slovenly gait should not be mistaken 
 for a natural one. 
 
DEPORTMENT IN THE STREET. 251 
 
 A gentleman meeting a lady acquaintance should 
 wait to be recognized by her, and should raise his hat 
 while bowing to her. Also, in meeting a gentleman 
 of your acquaintance who is accompanied by a lady, 
 you should raise your hat out of respect to her, and 
 he should respond in a like manner to your salutation. 
 If a gentleman salutes the lady you accompany, you 
 should return it, if she recognizes it. It is not neces- 
 sary to take off the gloves in shaking hands with a 
 lady, neither should a gentleman make the advances. 
 In walking, the gentleman should keep next to the 
 carriage-way. 
 
 A gentleman should never omit a punctilious obser- 
 vance of the rules of politeness to his recognized ac- 
 quaintances, from an apprehension that he will not be 
 met with reciprocal marks of respect. For instance, 
 he should not refuse to raise his hat to an acquaint- 
 ance who is accompanied by a lady, lest her escort 
 should, from ignorance or stolidity, return his polite 
 salutation with a nod of the head. 
 
 It is better not to see him, than to set the example 
 of a rude and indecorous salutation. In all such 
 uases, and in all cases, he who is most courteous has 
 Ihc advantage, and should never feel that he has 
 jiade a humiliating sacrifice of his personal dignity. 
 l.t is for the party whose behavior has been boorish to 
 have a consciousness of inferiority. 
 
 A gentleman mooting a lady acquaintance on the 
 
252 THE AMERICAN CODE OF POLITENESS. 
 
 street, should not presume to join her in her walk 
 without ascertaining that his company would be en- 
 tirely agreeable. It might be otherwise, and she 
 should frankly say so. A married lady usually leans 
 upon the arm of her husband ; but single ladies do 
 not, in the day, take the arm of a gentleman, unless 
 they are willing to acknowledge an engagement. 
 Gentlemen always give place to ladies, and gentlemen 
 accompanying ladies, in crossing the street. 
 
 BALLS. 
 
 Balls, to which anybody who chooses may go, and 
 take whom he pleases, by buying a ticket, are avoided 
 by many ladies, and with good reason. But select 
 balls, under judicious and responsible management, 
 are not liable to this objection., In such cases the 
 ladies are invited, and none others go. The gentle- 
 man who accompanies a lady will dance the first set 
 with her. She may then dance with other gentlemen. 
 At a private party, a gentleman may offer to dance 
 with a lady without an introduction, but at balls the 
 rule is different. The gentleman should respectfully 
 offer his arm to the lady who consents to dance with 
 him, and lead her to her place. At the conclusion of 
 the set he will conduct her to a seat, offer her any at- 
 tention, or converse with her. A gentleman should 
 not dance with his wife, and not too often with the 
 lady to whom he is engaged. 
 
THE PRESIDENT. 253 
 
 VISITS TO OFFICIAL PERSONS OX BUSINESS. 
 
 Calls upon the cabinet and other administrative 
 officers in Washington upon official business, should 
 be made during business hours, at their respective of- 
 fices. The visitor should be provided with a card, 
 which the messenger will deliver. He should briefly 
 state his business, and remain not a moment longer 
 than is necessary. Members of Congress may be seen 
 at their lodgings, or at the capitol while the Houses 
 are in session. Very little ceremony is necessary if 
 the visitor be an influential constituent. 
 
 THE PRESIDENT, 
 
 The President has a grand levee on the first of 
 January, when people crowd to the executive mansion 
 in such numbers, that of late years it has been found 
 necessary to shut the doors, and only admit as many 
 at one time as can be conveniently accommodated with 
 space within. After this opening levee, which occurs 
 in the morning, the President has periodical levees on 
 a certain evening of each week, or, since Mr. Buchan- 
 an's term commenced, every fortnight. These are also 
 well attended, The public are admitted indiscrimi- 
 nately on these occasions, but no refreshments are of- 
 fered. The marshal for the district introduces the 
 public. The President has also a sort of weekly sum- 
 mer levee in the south grounds, in which the perform- 
 ance of the marine band is the principal attraction. 
 
254 THE AMERICAN CODE OF POLITENESS. 
 
 The President is accessible to private individuals 
 who desire to see him on business, and he has also set 
 apart an hour or two on certain days in each week for 
 receiving the friendly visits of the public. These reg- 
 ulations are often varied, and we therefore refrain 
 from giving them. The President never accepts in- 
 vitations to dinner, or makes social visits. An invita- 
 tion to dine with the President is accepted, notwith- 
 standing a previous engagement. It is proper to ad- 
 dress him as Mr. President. 
 
 On New Year's day the New York custom prevails 
 in Washington of keeping open-house. Not only the 
 President and cabinet, but many other gentlemen, of- 
 ficial and private, have adopted it, and furnish their 
 voluntary guests with refreshments. 
 
 We have thus given the leading rules and principles 
 of Washington etiquette. To supply all the details of 
 ceremony in social and official life would require a 
 volume, and compel us to depart from the plan which 
 we had marked out for ourselves." 
 
TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 
 
 ALL men are bound to be especially amiable at table, 
 and every thing tart and ill-natured is, therefore, care- 
 fully avoided. But yet, the graceful sally and happy 
 retort are often among the most spicy and mirth-pro- 
 voking events at a feast. A celebrated scholar and 
 wit was selecting some of the choicest delicacies on 
 the table, when a rich friend said to him, " What I do 
 philosophers love dainties ?' 7 " Why not ?" replied the 
 scholar ; " do you think all the good things of this 
 world were made only for blockheads ?" 
 
 This would be sure to " set the table in a roar," be- 
 cause it was a tilt between two friends and equals, 
 and the question was asked for the purpose of provok- 
 ing a wit's reply. 
 
 Once when Lord Chesterfield came late to dinner, 
 an illustrious guest said to him, " What, my lord, you 
 so late! we have already drank six bottles of .wine." 
 " That," said his lordship, " is more than I can wal- 
 low." 
 
 An English traveller dining at a French ordinary 
 in Soho, seeing a large dish of soup with about half a 
 
256 TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES 
 
 pound of mutton in the middle of it, began to pull off 
 his coat and vest, at which a French gentleman asked 
 him what he was going to do ? " Why, monsieur," 
 said he, " I am going to see if I can swim through this 
 ocean of porridge to yon little island of mutton." 
 
 A party of wags and litterateurs were lately dining 
 at Delmonico's, when, after the bottle had made its 
 tenth round, one of the company proposed this toast 
 " To the man whose wife was never false to him !" 
 upon which a wag of an old bachelor jumped up and 
 said, " Gentlemen, as I am the only unmarried man at 
 this table, I suppose that that toast was intended for 
 
 Monsieur Charles Nalo, an eminent French trans- 
 lator, being employed on an American work, came to 
 the words, moose deer ; he flew to his dictionary, but 
 could find no such word as moose, but finding the word 
 mouse, he concluded that that was the word, which had 
 been misprinted moose, and so he translated moose 
 deer ' great mice, six feet high, with antlers.' 
 
 A Frenchman, having been but a short time in New 
 York, was invited to partake of a large bowl of 
 punch,, a liquor which he had never tasted before. 
 The next day, speaking of his entertainment, he asked 
 " Yat de call dat liqueur dat be all contradiction : 
 where is de brandy to make him strong, and de water 
 to make him weak, de sugar to make him sweet, and 
 de lemon to make him sour ?" " I suppose you mean 
 
TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 257 
 
 punch" said one. " Aye, punch /" said monsieur ; " it 
 almost puncliee out ray brains last night !" 
 
 A witty gentleman was dining with a nobleman, and 
 as the company was talking of a voyage to India, 
 some glasses of cape wine were handed round the 
 table. All the guests expressed their praises of its 
 exquisite flavor, and wished much to have a second 
 taste of it. But when the gentleman found it was in 
 vain to indulge tins hope, he turned to the person who 
 sat next to him, and happily alluding to the voyage to 
 India, said, " As we cannot double the cape, suppose we 
 go back to Madeira." 
 
 Dean Swift, having dined with a rich miser, pro- 
 nounced the following grace after dinner : 
 
 " Thanks for this miracle ! it is no less 
 Than finding manna in the wilderness. 
 In midst of famine we have found relief, 
 And seen the wonder of a chine of beef 1 
 Chimneys have smoked that never smoked before . 
 And we have dined where we shall dine no more." 
 
 A nobleman once asked a clergyman, who was din- 
 ing at the bottom of the table, " Why the goose was 
 always placed next to the parson ?" " Really," said 
 he, " I can give no reason for it ; but your question is 
 so odd, that I shall never see a goose again without 
 thinking of your lordship." 
 
 The great Scythian, Anacharsis, said, that " The 
 vine produces three sorts of grapes : the first, of 
 
258 TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 
 
 pleasure ; the second, of intoxication ; the third, of 
 repentance." 
 
 A French officer, demanding his salary from the 
 minister of war, declared that he was in danger of dy- 
 ing of hunger. The minister, who saw that his visage 
 was full and ruddy, told him his face gave the lie to 
 his statement. " Ah ! sir," said the officer, " don't trust 
 that this face is not mine ; it belongs to my landlord, 
 who has given me credit for a long time past." 
 
 A vintner, to whom Ben Jonson was indebted, in 
 vited him to dinner, and toli him if he would give 
 him an immediate answer to the following questions, 
 he would forgive him his debt : " What is God best 
 pleased with ; what is the devil best pleased with ; 
 what is the world best pleased with ; and what am I 
 best pleased with ? " Ben, without the least hesitation, 
 gave the following reply : 
 
 " G-od is best pleased, when men forsake their sin ; 
 The devil's best pleased when they persist therein; 
 The world's best pleased when thou dost sell good wine ; 
 And you're best pleased when I do pay for mine." 
 
 In a company where Cardinal Pole was, the con- 
 versation turned on a young man who was very 
 learned, but very noisy and turbulent. The cardinal 
 remarked, that " Learning, in such young men, is like 
 new wine in the vat ; but after it is put into a vessel, 
 having gathered its strength together, it settles, and is 
 quiet and still." 
 
TABLE V7IT AND ANECDOTES. 259 
 
 Lord Chesterfield complained very much at an iun 
 where he dined, that the plates were dirty. The 
 waiter, with a degree of pertness, observed, that 
 " Every one must eat a peck of dirt before he dies." 
 " That may be true," said his lordship ; " but no one 
 is obliged to eat it all at a meal." 
 
 A noble bibber was one day asked which could drink 
 the most wine, himself or his brother a good three- 
 bottle man, but also famous for taking care of his mo- 
 ney. " Oh," said his lordship, " I have no chance with 
 my brother he will drink any given amount." 
 
 The author of " The Parson's Daughter," when sur- 
 prised one evening in his arm-chair, two or three hours 
 after dinner, is reported to have apologized by saying, 
 " When one is alone the bottle does come round so 
 often." On a similar occasion, Sir Hercules Languish, 
 on being asked, " Have you finished all that port 
 (three bottles) without assistance?" answered, "No, 
 not quite that ; I had the assistance of a bottle of 
 Madeira." 
 
 A wit was at an entertainment, where at first they 
 gave him excellent wine, but after the fourth or fifth 
 glass some sour stuff. " These people," said he, " I 
 suppose, take me for a cannon, which has to be waslnd 
 with vinegar after every three or four rounds." 
 
 A tavern-keeper, who opened an oyster-shop as an 
 appendage to his other establishment, was upbraided 
 
260 TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 
 
 by a neighboring oyster-monger as being ungenerous 
 and selfish. "And why not ? " said lie ; " would you not 
 have nie sd-jisli ? " 
 
 In a company of bon vivants, as the toast circulated, 
 a delicate gentleman simpered out, Mirth and inno- 
 cence. The jolly dog, whose sentiment followed, gave 
 in a similar tone of voice, Milk and ivater. 
 
 A country booby boasting of the numerous acres 
 he enjoyed, Ben Jonson peevishly told him, that 
 " For every acre you have of land I have an acre of 
 wit." The other, filling his glass, said, " My service 
 to you, Mr. Wiseacre." 
 
 The Cretan philosopher, Demonax, was asked if it 
 was allowable for wise men to drink wine. " Surely," 
 said he, " you cannot think that nature made grapes 
 only for fools." 
 
 A man, reeling out of an ale-house, was hiccoughing 
 out the praises of porter, which was, he said, both meat 
 and drink. He shortly after tumbled into a ditch, on 
 which his companion observed, it was also lodging and 
 washing. 
 
 A lady tendered a dish of fruit to a gentleman at 
 table, with this compliment : " Sir, this is not forbid 
 den fruit, if you please to cat." He replied, " Madam, 
 by one sign infallibly it should be, for I see it conies 
 just now from paradise." 
 
TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 261 
 
 Erasmus, on account of a sickly constitution, ob- 
 tained a dispensation for eating meat ii. times of ab- 
 stinence. Being reproached by the pope for not ob- 
 serving lent, he replied, " I assure your holiness that I 
 have a Catholic heart, but I must confess that I have a 
 Lutheran stomach." 
 
 Voltaire said to a beautiful lady with whom he was 
 dining : " Your rivals are the perfection of art, but 
 you are the perfection of nature." 
 
 Zeno, the philosopher, was once asked if wise men 
 ever fall in love. He answered, " If wise men do not 
 fall in love, beautiful women must be very unfortunate." 
 
 Louis XII. one day reproached a prelate with the 
 luxury of his manner of living, and told him that the 
 clergy did not live so splendidly in the early ages. 
 " No, sire," said the prelate, " not in the times of the 
 Shepherd Kings" 
 
 It was wittily said of a great calumniator, and a fre- 
 quenter of other people's tables, that he never opened 
 his mouth but at another man's expense. 
 
 Two ladies, of high fashion, as they entered the 
 rooms of a hotel at a watering-place, met a fat lady 
 coming out who was finely dressel. "See," said one 
 of them in a half whisper, " there is beef a-la-mode going 
 out." " Yes," answered the othei " and there is game 
 coming in." 
 
262 TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 
 
 A friend asked Crebillou why he had introduced so 
 much terror into his tragedies. " I had no alternative," 
 said he ; " Corneille has taken the heavens, Racine the 
 earth, and I had nothing left but the infernal regions." 
 
 La Lande was one day dining with a gentleman 
 whose beer was better hopped than malted ; and when 
 the host asked the poet how he liked his beer, he re- 
 plied, " By the faith of my body it is very well hopped ; 
 but if it had hopped a little further, it had hopped into 
 the water." 
 
 A party of black-legs were at a coffee-room at Ep- 
 som, during the races, dining at the same time. War- 
 ren Hastings was taking his dinner. A gentleman 
 present said, in a low voice, " What a wretched set is 
 here !" " And yet," replied Hastings, " they are your 
 betters." 
 
 Lord Summerville, in a party of ladies and gentle- 
 men, propounded his plan for cultivating the wastes of 
 Africa, when a witty old maid present whispered, loud 
 enough to be heard, that she thought it a most un- 
 charitable idea, while so many waists remained unim- 
 proved at home. 
 
 Three gentlemen, going into a hotel together, one 
 said to the waiter, " Bring me a glass of brandy-and- 
 water, I am so hot ! " Another said, " Bring me some 
 gin-and-sugar ; I have just had a chill" The other 
 cried out, "Bring me a rum-punch, because I Wee it." 
 
TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 263 
 
 Fox, during the early part of his political career, 
 once became terribly enraged at a tradesman, who in- 
 solently urged the payment of a bill, and threat rued 
 to " kick him to hell." " If you do," was the reply, 
 " I will tell your father how you are spending his 
 money." 
 
 A poor wit, who was told that his jokes had fur- 
 nished daily food for conversation " Then," said he, 
 " conversation has thrived better on them than I 
 have." 
 
 " War," said an ugly old woman, " is a 'keen ravish- 
 er" " Faith," replied a wit, in an undertone, " he 
 must be, if he meddles with you." 
 
 A nobleman, who was about to marry a lady of 
 great fortune, was asked one day at dinner, how long 
 he thought honeymoon would last, and replied, " Don't 
 talk of honeymoon, it is harvest-moon with me." 
 
 An abstemious nobleman, chiding one of his work- 
 men for inebriety, observed, "It is very odd that all 
 good workmen are addicted to drunkenness." " Then," 
 answered the man, " I'presume that your lordship is 
 not a good workman." 
 
 Two friends at table, one said, reading the paper, 
 11 There was a man hanged this morning one Vowd." 
 " Well," said the other, " let us be thankful that it was 
 neither U nor 7." 
 
264 TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 
 
 An English gentleman, entertaining his friends witl 
 some excellent claret, remarked that he sent a couple 
 of hounds over to France, and received in return a 
 hogshead of this wine. " Then," said one of the com- 
 pany, " it is dog cheap" 
 
 A poor man was once asked what three things he 
 would have, if he could obtain them by wishing. 
 " First," said he, " I would have as much fat bacon as 
 I could eat ; next, I would have as much ale as I 
 could drink." Puzzled for a third object of happiness, 
 he at last said, " Hang it ! I will have a little more 
 ale!" 
 
 A man with eleven daughters was complaining to a 
 friend that he found it hard to live. " You must hus- 
 band your time/'' said the other, " and then you will do 
 well enough." " I could do much better," was the re- 
 ply, " if I could husband my daughters." 
 
 When Cobbett kept a stationer's shop at Philadel- 
 phia, and was writing under the name of " Peter Por- 
 cupine," a young sub went to buy some quills, and 
 thinking to pass a joke upon Peter, asked him if % they 
 were not Porcupine's quills ? Upon which Cobbett, 
 taking up the red-coat's mone^, dryly replied, making 
 at the same time a very profound bow, " Oh ! no, sir ! 
 they are a goose's !" 
 
 " Sally," said an amorous lover, speaking, the other 
 day, to his intended, " give me a kiss ; will you, 
 Sally ?" " No, I sha'n't," said Sally" help yourself." 
 
TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 260 
 
 The evening before a battle, an officer asked Mar. 
 Bhal Toiras for permission to go and see his father, 
 who was at the point of death. " Go," said the Mar- 
 shal, who saw through his pretext " honor thy 
 father and mother, that thy days may be long in the 
 land." 
 
 Dr. Johnson treated Mrs. Siddons, who called upon 
 him in Bold Court, with the most marked politeness. 
 Frank, his servant, could not immediately bring her a 
 chair. " You see, madam," said the Doctor, " wherever 
 you go, how difficult it is to find seats." 
 
 Milton, that glory of British literature, received 
 not above 10, at two different payments, for the copy- 
 right of " Paradise Lost," yet Mr. Hoyle, author of a 
 treatise on the game of whist, after having disposed 
 of all the first impression, sold the copyright to a 
 bookseller for 200 guineas. 
 
 There is a young man in Cincinnati who is so mod- 
 est that he will not " embrace an opportunity." He 
 would make a good mate for the lady who fainted when 
 she heard of the naked truth. 
 
 The late witty Samuel William Kiley, author of the 
 " Itinerant," seeing a proud and sullen calf of sixty 
 swelling down Lord street, Liverpool, accosted him 
 politely, touching his hat " Excuse me, sir, stopping 
 you in the street, but I just wished to inquire the rent 
 of the house No. 10 Great George street?" "Sir," 
 12 
 
266 TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 
 
 replied his haughtiness, " I have no house in Great 
 George street." " Oh ! I beg a thousand pardons, sir," 
 said Mr. K., "I thought all the town belonged to 
 you." 
 
 Washington was visiting a lady in his neighbor- 
 hood, and on his leaving the house a little girl was 
 directed to open the door. In passing the child he 
 said, "I aru sorry, my dear, to give you so much trou- 
 ble." " I wish, sir," she replied, " it was to let 
 you in." 
 
 A gentleman looking at his watch, just after mid- 
 night, remarked, " It is to-morrow morning ; I must bid 
 you good-night." 
 
 Home Tooke, being asked by George III. whether 
 he played at cards, replied, " I cannot, your Majesty, 
 tell a king from a knave." 
 
 Not long since, a person threw the head of a 
 goose on to the stage of the Belleville theatre. Cortru, 
 advancing to the front, said, " Gentlemen, if any 
 among you has lost his head, do not be uneasy, for 
 I will restore it on the conclusion of the perform- 
 
 An amiable enthusiast, a worshipper of nature after 
 the manner of Rousseau, being melted into feelings of 
 universal philanthropy by the softness and serenity of 
 a spring morning, resolved that, for that day at least. 
 
TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 267 
 
 no injured animal should pollute his "board ; and, hav- 
 ing recorded his vow, he walked six miles to a hamlet 
 famous for fish dinners, where, without an idea of 
 breaking his sentimental engagement, he regaled him- 
 self on a small matter of crimped cod and oyster- 
 sauce. This reminds one of a harmless piece of quiz- 
 zing in the " Quarterly Review," that although the 
 Pythagorean Sir Richard Phillips would not eat ani- 
 mal food, he was addicted to gravy over his potatoes. 
 
 It was suggested to a distinguished gourmand what 
 a capital dish all fins (turbots' fins) might be made. 
 " Capital !" said he ; "dine with me to-morrow." "Ac- 
 cepted." Would you believe it ? when the cover wag 
 removed, the sacrilegious dog of an ainphitryon had 
 put into the dish, " Cicero de finibus ! " " There is a 
 work all fins," said he. 
 
 The voice, if very strong and sharp, will crack a 
 drinking-glass. One evening, at a party at the London 
 Coffee-house, Ludgate Hill, Mr. Broadhurst, the well- 
 known tenor, by singing a high note, caused a wine- 
 glass on the table to break, the bowl being separated 
 from the stem. 
 
 Dr. Franklin pleasantly observed, that the only 
 animals created to drink water are those who, from 
 their conformation, are able to lap it up on the fac<? 
 of the earth ; whereas, all those who can convey theij 
 hands to their mouth were destined to enjoy the juict 
 of the grape. 
 
268 TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 
 
 One of Lord Byron's odd fancies was dining at all 
 sorts of out-of-the-way places. Somebody popped 
 upon him in a coffee-house in the Strand, where the 
 attraction was, that he paid a shilling to dine with his 
 hat on. This he called his " hat-house." 
 
 Talleyrand being asked if a certain authoress, whom 
 he had long since known, but who belonged rather to 
 the last age, was not " a little tiresome. " " Not at all," 
 said he, " she is perfectly so." 
 
 Salutation is the touchstone of good-breeding. 
 There have been men, since Absalom, who have owed 
 their ruin to a bad bow. 
 
 A bow (says La Fontaine) is a note drawn at sight. 
 If you acknowledge it, you must pay the full amount, 
 
 Perhaps the best retort upon a lie is to outwit it, as 
 Galba did, when a courtier told him that he had 
 caught eels in Sicily five feet long. " That," replied 
 the emperor, " is no wonder, for there they are so long 
 that the fishermen use them for ropes." 
 
 "What the bottle tells, (and it is generally a great 
 tell-tale,) perhaps it is the duty of friendship to keep 
 secret. 
 
 Johnson is somewhat cynical upon the above maxim 
 of the ancients. A man who is well warmed with 
 wine will speak truth j " this," he observes, " may be 
 an argument for drinking, if you suppose men in gene- 
 
TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 209 
 
 ral to be liars ; but I would not keep company with a 
 fellow who lies as long as he is sober, and whom you 
 must make drunk before you can get a word of truili 
 out of him." 
 
 " I have nothing to give," is a thoughtless reply to a 
 street-beggar, for we forget the old moralist : " It is not 
 necessary that alms should always come out of a sack. 
 A man may be charitable, though he hath not an ex- 
 panding plenty." Of the undeserving poor, when one 
 blamed Aristotle for giving to a man of dissolute 
 habits, he answered, " I gave not to the manners, but 
 to the man." 
 
 The most celebrated wits and Ion vivants of tho 
 day graced the dinner-table of the late Dr. Kitchiner, 
 and, inter alia, the late George Colman, who was an 
 especial favorite. His interpolation of a little mono- 
 syllable in a written admonition which the doctor 
 caused to be placed on the mantel-piece of the dining- 
 parlor, will never be forgotten, and was the origin of 
 such a drinking-bout as was seldom permitted under 
 his roof. The caution ran thus : " Come at seven, go 
 at eleven." Coleman briefly altered the sense of it ; 
 for, upon the doctor's attention being directed to the 
 card, he read, to his astonishment, " Come at seven, go 
 in at eleven !" which the guests did, and the claret was 
 furnished accordingly. 
 
 It being reported that Lady Caroline Lamb had, in. 
 a moment of passion, struck down one of her pages 
 
270 TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 
 
 with a stool, the poet Moore, to whom this was told 
 by Lord Strongford, observed : " Oh ! nothing is move 
 natural for a literary lady than to double down a 
 3age." " I would rather," replied his lordship, " ad- 
 vise Lady Caroline to turn over a new leaf." 
 
 Charles Lamb said once to a brother whist-player, 
 VQO was a hand more clever than clean, and who had 
 enough in him to afford the joke : " M., if dirt were 
 trumps, what hands you would hold I" 
 
 Kennofc, Lord Mayor of London, in the year 1780, 
 began life as a waiter, and his manners never rose 
 above his original station. When he was summoned 
 to be examined before Parliament on " the riots," one 
 of the members observed : " If you ring the bell, Ken- 
 net will come, of course." On being asked why, on 
 the breaking out of the riot, he did not send for the 
 posse comitatus, he replied, he did not know where the 
 fellow lived, else he would. One morning, at the Al- 
 derman's Club, lie was at a whist-tuble, and Mr. Alder- 
 man PugL, a dealer in soap, was at his elbow : " Ring 
 the bell, soap-suds," said Kennet, in his coarse way. 
 " Ring it yourself, bar," replied Pugh, " you Vo been 
 twice as much used to it as I have." 
 
 A lady, complaining Low rapidly time stole away, 
 said : " Alas ! I am near thirty." Scarron, who was 
 present, and knew her ags, caid : " Do not fret at it, 
 madam, for you will get ftr&er from that frightful 
 epoch every day." 
 
TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 271 
 
 Lord North, whoa contemptuously alluded to by 
 Fox, as " That thing termed a minister," replied : " The 
 honorable gentleman calls me a tiling, and (patting his 
 ample stomach) an unshapely thing I am ; but when he 
 adds, tliat thing termed a minister, he calls me that 
 which he himself is most anxious to become ; and, 
 therefore, I take it as a compliment." 
 
 When Lord Bath was told of the determination of 
 turning out Pitt, and letting Fox remain in the minis- 
 try, he said it put him in mind of a story of the Gun- 
 powder Plot. The Lord Chamberlain was sent to ex- 
 amine the vaults under the Parliament House, and 
 returning with his report, said " He had found five- 
 and-twenty barrels of gunpowder that he had removed 
 ten of them, and hoped the other fifteen would do no 
 harm." 
 
 Madame Dacicr remarks, that Homer makes no men- 
 tion of any boiled meats ; and in all the entertain- 
 ments described by him, (as in the dinner given by 
 Achilles in the ninth Iliad,) the pi&ce de resistance, or 
 principal dish, undoubtedly is a broil, from which it 
 may be inferred that the Greeks had not as yet dis- 
 covered the art of making vessels to bear fire. This 
 discovery is supposed to have reached them from Egypt, 
 and they rapidly turned it to the best account; for 
 the Athenians, in particular, seem to have as much ex- 
 celled the rest of Greece in gastronomy, as the French, 
 the modern nation most nearly resembling them, excel 
 the rest of Europe in this respect. 
 
272 TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 
 
 Among the witty aphorisms upon an unsafe topic, 
 are, Lord Alvanley's description of a man who " mud- 
 dled away his fortune in paying his tradesmen's bills ; 7r 
 Lord Oxford's definition of timber, as " an excrescence 
 on the face of the earth, placed there by Providence 
 for the payment of debts ;" and Pelham's argument,. 
 " That it is respectable to be arrested, because it shows 
 that the party once had credit," 
 
 Henderson, the actor, was seldom known to be in a 
 passion. When at Oxford, he was one day debating 
 with a fellow-student, who, not keeping his temper, 
 threw a glass of wine in the actor's face, when Hen- 
 derson took out his handkerchief, wiped his face, and 
 coolly said : ' That, sir, was a digression ; now for the 
 argument." 
 
 Theodore Hooke's Code of Card-table Signals, in his 
 clever novel of Gilbert Gurney, might be very effect- 
 ually reduced to practice. " Never," says he " let man 
 and wife play together at whist. There are always 
 family telegraphs ; and if they fancy their looks are 
 watched, they can always communicate by words. I 
 found out that I could never win of Smingsmay and his 
 wife. I mentioned this one day, and was answered ; 
 ' No, you never can win of them.' ' Why ? ' said I. 
 1 Because,' said my friend, ' they have established a code.' 
 * Dear me,' said I, ' signals by looks ? ' * No,' said he, 
 ' by words. If Mrs. Smingsmay is to lead, Smingsmay 
 says, " Dear, begin ;" dear begins with a d, so do dia- 
 monds, and out comes one from the lady. If he lias 
 
TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 273 
 
 to lead, and she says, " S., my love," she wants a spade. 
 Smingsmay and spade begin with the same letter, an d, 
 sure enough, down comes a spade. " Harriet, my dear, 
 how long you are sorting your cards!" Mrs. Smings- 
 may stumps down a heart, and a gentle " Come, my 
 love," on either side, produces a club. 7 " 
 
 There has been in all governments a great deal of 
 absurd canting about the consumption of spirits. We 
 believe the best plan is to let people drink what they 
 like, and wear what they like ; to make no sumptuary 
 laws either for the belly or the back. In the first 
 place, laws against rum, and rum-and-water, are made 
 by men who can change a wet coat for a dry one when- 
 ever they choose, and who do not often work up to 
 their knees in mud and water ; and, in the next place, 
 if this stimulus did all the mischief it is thought to do 
 by the wise men of claret, its cheapness and plenty 
 would rather lessen than increase the avidity with 
 which it is at present sought for. Sydney Smith. 
 
 Thalwall and Coleridge were sitting once in a beau- 
 tiful recess in the Quantock hills, when the latter said 
 " Citizen John, this a fine place to talk reason in ! ' 
 " Nay, citizen Samuel," replied he, " it is rather a place 
 to make a man forget that there is any necessity for 
 treason." 
 
 In 1517, Sigismund de Pietrichstein established a 
 Temperance Society, under the auspices of St. Chris- 
 topher ; a similar association was formed in 1600 by 
 12* 
 
274: TABLE WIT AND AXECDOTrA 
 
 Maurice, Duke of Hesse ; the rules of whi^A allowed 
 a knight to drink seven bocavx, or glasses, it each 
 meal, but only twice in the day I 
 
 Talleyrand not only said but did many witty \-hings. 
 On the death of Charles X., he drove through Paris 
 for a couple of days, wearing a white hat. He carried a 
 crape in his pocket. When he passed through the Faux- 
 bourg of the Carlists, the crape was instantly twisted 
 round his hat ; when he came into the quarter of the 
 Tuileries, the crape was instantly slipt off and put 
 into his pocket again. 
 
 It is not only ill-breeding, but a sign of bad taste, 
 to be late. It may sound very fine to be called the 
 late Mr. So-and-so ; it is an easy mode of attracting 
 attention to drawl out an inquiry about the soups of 
 the season, as if you had never had the good fortune 
 to be present at a first course ; but it is far from 
 pleasant to find the woman you wish most to sit by 
 monopolized, and yourself planted between the bore 
 and the gap, as we once heard a lady describe her po- 
 sition, with Sir A on her left and an unoccupied 
 
 chair upon her right. 
 
 The most unptmctual persons ever known were two 
 brothers, celebrated time immemorial in the place- 
 holding world. The late Lord Dudley used to say 
 of them, that if you asked Robert for Wednesday at 
 seven, you would have Charles on Thursday at eight. 
 
 An illiterate person, who always volunteered to " go 
 
TABLE WIT AXD ANECDOTES. 275 
 
 round with the hat," but was suspected of sparing his 
 own pocket, overhearing once a hint to that effect, re- 
 plied : " Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks 
 proper, and so do I. Charity's a private concern, and 
 what I give is nothing to nobody." 
 
 Some young Americans, travelling on horseback 
 among the White Mountains, became inordinately 
 thirsty, and stopped for milk at a house by the road- 
 side. They emptied every basin that was offered, and 
 still wanted more. The woman of the house at length 
 brought an enormous bowl of milk, and set it down 
 on the table, saying : " One would think, gentlemen, 
 you had never been weaned." 
 
 Coleridge relates : " I have had a good deal to do 
 with Jews in the course of my life, although I never 
 borrowed any money of them. The other day I was 
 what you z&\\ floored by a Jew. He passed me several 
 times, crying out for old clothes in the most nasal and 
 extraordinary tone I ever heard. At last, I was so 
 provoked that I said to him : " Pray, why can't you 
 say ' old clothes ' in a plain way, as I do now ?" The 
 Jew stopped, and looking very gravely at me, said, in 
 a clear and even fine accent : " Sir, I can say * old 
 clothes ' as well as you can ; but if you had to say so 
 ten times a minute, for an hour together, you would 
 ray ' O'jh do,' as I do now ;" and so he marched off. 
 I was so confounded with the justice of his retort, 
 that I followed and gave him a shilling, the only one 
 I had. 
 
276 TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 
 
 " Once I sat in a coach opposite a Jew a symbol of 
 old clothes-bags an Isaiah of Holy well street. He 
 would close the window ; I opened it. He closed it 
 again ; upon which, in a very solemn tone, I said to 
 him : " Son of Abraham ! thou smellest ; son of Isaac ! 
 thou art offensive ; son of Jacob ! thou stinkest foully. 
 See the man in the moon ! he is holding his nose at 
 that distance ; dost thou think that I, sitting here, can 
 endure it any longer ?" My Jew was astonished ; he 
 opened the window forthwith himself, and said, " He 
 was sorry he did not know before, I was so great a 
 gentleman." 
 
 Swift is characterized by Coleridge, as the soul of 
 Rabelais dwelling in a dry place. Can anything beat 
 his remark on King William's motto, (Recepit, non 
 rapicet,) " that the receiver was as bad as the thief"? 
 
 After all, clubs are not altogether so bad a thing 
 for family-men. They act as conductors to the storms 
 usually hovering in the air. The man forced to re- 
 main at home, and vent his crossness on his wife and 
 children, is a much worse animal to be with than the 
 man who grumbles his way to Pall Mall, and, not dar- 
 ing to swear at the club-servants, or knock about the 
 club-furniture, becomes socialized into decency. Noth- 
 ing like the subordination exercised in a community 
 of equals for reducing a fiery temper. 
 
 A shoemaker in Piccadilly, determined to astonish 
 the world, had put up a motto from Euripides over his 
 
TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 277 
 
 window. Bannister happened to be passing with Por- 
 son. " That is Greek," said Bannister. "What! are 
 you acquainted with Greek ?" asked the profebsor, 
 with a laugh. " I know it by sight/ 7 was the reply. 
 
 George Selwyn, happening to be at Bath when it 
 was nearly empty, was induced, for the mere purpose 
 of killing time, to cultivate the acquaintance of an 
 elderly gentleman he was in the habit of meeting at 
 the Rooms. In the height v of the following season, 
 Selwyn encountered his old associate in St. James 
 street. He endeavored to pass unnoticed, but in vain. 
 " What, don't you recollect me ?" exclaimed the cuttce. 
 " I recollect you, perfectly," replied Selwyn ; " and 
 when I next go to Bath I shall be most happy to be- 
 come acquainted with you again." 
 
 Drinking super nagidum, or on the nail, was a north- 
 ern custom, which consisted in having only one drop 
 in the cup, which was poured upon the thumb-nail to 
 prove that justice had been done to the toast ; or, to 
 use the language of modern drinkers, the glass wag 
 cleared. The custom is alluded to by Bishop Hall, in 
 his Mundus alter et Idem, in which the Duke of Tender- 
 belly exclaims, " Let never this goodly-formed goblet 
 of wine go jovially through me ;" and then he set it 
 to his mouth, stole it of every drop, save a little re- 
 maining, which he was by custom to set upon his 
 thumb-nail, and lick off. In Fletcher we find the 
 phrase, "I am thine ad vngeum;" which meant, he 
 was ready to drink with him to this extent. 
 
278 TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTE?.. 
 
 Some one remarked to Mrs. Siddons that applause 
 was necessary tc actors, as it gave them confidence. 
 " More," replied the actress, " it gives us breath." 
 
 A Ion vivant being observed by a friend, who had 
 not seen him for a long time, to be downcast in his 
 countenance, and very unlike himself, was asked 
 whether anything serious had befallen him. " Nothing 
 of that sort," was his reply, " but I am quite an altered 
 character ; I have left off drinking." " Indeed !" re- 
 plied his friend, rather astounded at the assertion, 
 " and since when ?" " Since two o'clock this morn- 
 ing," was the facetious reply, the speaker's countenance 
 resuming its usual cast of good-humor and mirth. 
 
 Hobbs once said to a celebrated book-worm : " If J 
 had read as many volumes as you have done, I should 
 have been as ignorant as you are." 
 
 The pleasures of the table have never been incom- 
 patible with the gifts of genius, or the investigations 
 of the understanding. " I cannot conceive," says Dr. 
 Johnson, " the folly of those who, when at table, think 
 of every thing but eating ; for my part, when I am 
 there, I think of nothing else ; and whosoever does no* 
 trouble himself with this important affair at dinner, or 
 supper, will do no good at any other time."' 
 
 Lady Blessington remarks, that people who wear 
 creaking shoes or boots are precisely those who are 
 most addicted to locomotion. 
 
TABLE WIT AND AXECDOTES. 279 
 
 An English gentleman, wanting a dessert-service of 
 porcelain made after a particular pattern, sent over 
 to China a specimen dish, ordering that it should be 
 exactly copied for the whole service. It unfortunate- 
 ly happened that in the dish so sent over the Chinese 
 manufacturer discovered -a crack ; the consequence 
 was, that the entire service sent over to the party or- 
 dering it had a crack in each article, carefully copied 
 after the original. 
 
 Hooke dedicated the first volume of his Roman 
 History to Pope, which, he said, was " like hanging 
 out a sign with a great flourish at the bottom of it, to 
 catch the traveller as he goes by." 
 
 Old Dick Baldwin stoutly maintained that no man 
 ever died of drinking. " Some puny things," he said, 
 " have died learning to drink, but no man ever died 
 of drinking." Now B. was no mean authority, for he 
 Fpoke from great practical experience, and was, more- 
 over, many years treasurer of St. Bartholomew's hos- 
 pital. 
 
 Mr. Bentham has thus formally refuted the common 
 fallacy as to the cruelty of skinning live eels : " No eel 
 is used to be skinned successively by several persons ; 
 but one and the same person is used successively to 
 skin several eels." 
 
 The meeting of two gentlemen in the theatre lobby 
 is a happy illustration of the confusion a similarity of 
 dress occasions. Coming from different points, each 
 
280 TABLE WIT AND ANfiCDOTES. 
 
 in a great hurry, one addressed the otner with, " Pray, 
 are you the box-keeper? 77 " No, 7 ' replied the other, 
 "are you? 77 
 
 The French, a very sober people, have a proverb : 
 
 " Qu'ilfaut) a chaque mois, 
 S'enivrer au mains unefois;" 
 
 which has been improved by some, on this side of the 
 water, into an excuse for getting drunk every da)' in 
 the week, for fear that the specific day should be missed. 
 It would, however, startle some sober persons to find 
 this question made a grave argument, yet : " whether 
 it is not healthful to be drunk once in a month, 77 is 
 treated of by Dr. Carr in his letters to De Quincey. 
 
 Lord Bolingbroke shrewdly notes : " I have ob- 
 served, that in comedy the best actor plays the part 
 of the droll, while some scrub is made the hero, or fine 
 gentleman. So, in this farce of life, wise men pass 
 their time in mirth, whilst fools only are serious. 77 
 
 Nothing is a courtesy unless it be meant for us, and 
 that friendly and lovingly. We owe no thanks to 
 rivers, that they carry our boats ; or winds, that they 
 be nourishing ; for these are what they are, neces- 
 sarily. Horses carry us ; trees shade us ; but they 
 know, it not. Ben Jonson. 
 
 Sheridan had a Bardolph countenance, with heavy 
 features ; but his eye possessed the most distinguished 
 brilliancy. Mathews said it was very simple in Torn 
 
TABLE WI1 AND AXECDOTE8. 281 
 
 Moore to admire how Sheridan came by the means of 
 paying the price of Drury Lane Theatre, when all the 
 world knows that he never paid it at all. 
 
 A gentleman from Ireland, on entering a London 
 tavern, saw a countryman of his, a Tipperary squire, 
 sitting over his pint of wine in the coffee-room. 
 " Blood an' ounds ! my dear fellow," said he, " what 
 are you about ? For the honor of Tipperary, don't 
 be after sitting over a pint of wine in a house like 
 this." " Make yourself aisy, countryman," was the 
 reply ; " its the seventh I have had, and every one in 
 the room knows it." 
 
 Though an habitual valetudinarian, Moliere relied 
 almost entirely upon the temperance of his diet for the 
 ^establishment of his health. " What use do you make 
 of our physician ? " said the king to him one day. "We 
 chat together, sire," said the poet. " He gives me his 
 prescriptions : I never follow them ; and so I get 
 well." 
 
 Horace Walpole relates : " At a great supper t'other 
 night at Lord Hertford's, Lady Coventry said, in a 
 vulgar accent, * If she drank any more, she should be 
 muckibus.' ' Lord ! ' said Lady Mary Coke, * what 
 is that ? ' 'Oh ! its Irish for sentimental.' " 
 
 In the reign of Henry VIII. it was a recommenda- 
 tion for a servant if he could bear a quantity of strong 
 drink : part of his good character, in times when it 
 
282 TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 
 
 was accounted a point of hospitality, that the guests 
 in the kitchen should be made as drunk as their mas- 
 ters in the dining-hall. 
 
 Ude, when in Paris, had fallen in love, and matters 
 were nearly brought to matrimony. Previous to this 
 conclusion, Ude, however, prudently made a calcula- 
 tion (he was an excellent steward) of the expenses of 
 married life, and in the estimate set down Madame's 
 expenditure at so many louis. Now, Ude customarily 
 conveyed his billets in an envelope of pates, and he in- 
 tended to shroud his offer in a pate d'Amande, but, 
 unfortunately, in the confusion of love and cookery, the 
 estimate of house-keeping was sent instead of the pro- 
 posal. The next day Ude was apprised of his mistake 
 by a letter from his mistress, stating the high estima- 
 tion in which she held M. Ude ; but that as louis 
 
 were too small an allowance for a woman of fashion, 
 she must decline the honor of becoming Madame Ude. 
 The story got wind, and by a sort of lusus a non 
 lucendo analogy, the name of Pate d'Amande was 
 changed into Pate d'Amour. 
 
 The Count Altamira, a splendid little man, four feet 
 two inches high, could boast of the title of Prince, 
 with three dukedoms, although he used the ancient 
 title as the chiefest honor. He would never bow his 
 neck to the yoke of Napoleon ; and he it was who 
 made the appr-opriate reply to Wittol, Charles IV., 
 when he said, " Cousin, what a little fellow you are I " 
 " Yes, sire ; but in my own house I am a great one." 
 
TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 283 
 
 Cambaceres, second consul under the French repub- 
 lic, and arch-chancellor under the empire, having one 
 dny been detained in consultation with Napoleon bo 
 yond the appointed hour of dinner, begged pardon for 
 suspending the conference, as it was absolutely nec- 
 essary for him to dispatch a special messenger im- 
 mediately ; then seizing a pen, he wrote this billet to 
 his cook : " Sauvez les entremets les entrees sont 
 perducs." 
 
 A patriotic Frenchman has observed : " I regard the 
 discovery of a dish as a far more interesting event 
 than the discovery of a star, for we have always stars 
 enough, but can never have too many dishes ; and T 
 shall not regard the sciences as sufficiently honored, 
 or represented among us, until I see a cook in the first 
 class of the Institute." 
 
 Alexander Newell, Bean of St. Paul's, and Master 
 of Westminster School, in the reign of Queen Mary, 
 was an excellent angler. But, says Fuller, whilst 
 Newell was - catching of fishes, Bishop Bonner was 
 catching of Newell, and would certainly have sent 
 him to the shambles, had not a good London merchant 
 conveyed him away upon the seas. Newell was fish- 
 ing upon the banks of the Thames, when he received 
 the first intimation of his danger, which was so press- 
 ing, that he dare not go back to his own house to 
 make any preparation for his flight. Like an honest 
 angler, he had taken with him provision for the day ; 
 and when in the first year of England's deliverance 
 
284 TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 
 
 he returned to liis country, and his own haunts, he re- 
 membered that, on the day of his flight, he had left a 
 bottle of beer in a safe place on the bank : there he 
 looked for it, and " found it no bottle, but a gun 
 such the sound at the opening thereof ; and this (says 
 Fuller) is believed (casualty is mother of more inven- 
 tion than industry) the original of bottled ale in 
 England.' 7 
 
 Mrs. Moles worthy, who was the daughter of the 
 Right Honorable Lord Molesworthy, of Ireland, was 
 a fine wit and poetess in her day, which was about the 
 time of Milton. She was quite as free in some of her 
 jokes as some of our modern strong-minded women. 
 The following epigram on a gallant lady is hers : 
 
 " O'or this marble drop a tear, 
 Here lies fair Rosalinda ; 
 All mankind was pleased with her, 
 Aud she with all mankind " 
 
 In a poem entitled Runaway Love, she makes Venus 
 offer the following extraordinary reward for the appre- 
 hension of her son, Cupid : 
 
 " And he that finds the boy shall have 
 The sweetest kiss I ever gave ; 
 But he that brings him to my arms. 
 Shall master be of all my charms." 
 
 At a literary party at Strawberry Hill, 12th Sep- 
 tember, 1734, Mr. Walpole remarked that, at a certain 
 time of their lives, men of genius seem to be in floiver. 
 
TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 285 
 
 Said he : " Gray was in flower three years when he 
 wrote his Odes j" and he added, laughing, " had Gray 
 lived a hundred years longer, perhaps he would never 
 have been in flower again." 
 
 Dominico, the harlequin, going to see Louis XI Y. 
 at supper, fixed his eye on a dish of partridges. The 
 king, who was fond of his acting, said : " Give that 
 dish to Dominico." "And the partridges, too, sire." 
 Louis being pleased at his wit, replied : " And the 
 partridges, too." The dish was gold. 
 
 A French wit being very ill, his landlord begged 
 him to settle his account. The poor author, who saw 
 that everything was charged exorbitantly high, wrote 
 at the bottom of the account, " If I die, let it pass if I 
 live, for revised." 
 
 A marquis said to a financier : " I would have yon 
 to know that I am a man of quality." " And I," re- 
 plied the financier, " would have you to know that I 
 am a man of quantity" 
 
 Some astronomers, who had been making observa- 
 tions, thought they perceived several spots on the sun. 
 Yoiture happened shortly afterwards to be in com- 
 pany, when he was asked if there was any news : " None," 
 said he, " but I hear very bad reports of the sun." 
 
 A gascon being at the play, was seated in the pit, 
 and as he kept constantly fidgeting about, his sword 
 
286 TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 
 
 got entangled in the legs of those who sat beside him. 
 " Sir," said an officer, fiercely, "your sword annoys me." 
 " Yery likely, sir," said the gascon, coolly, " I believe 
 it Has annoyed a good many." 
 
 The Duchess Dowager of Bolton, who was a natural 
 daughter of the Duke of Monmouth, used to divert 
 George I. by affecting to make blunders. Once when 
 she had been at the play of " Love's Last Shift," she 
 called it, " La dernier chemise de I' Amour." 
 
 At another time she pretended to come to court in a 
 great fright, and the king asking the cause, she said 
 she had been at Mr. Whiston's, who told her the world 
 would be burnt up in three years, and, for her part, 
 she was determined to go to China. 
 
 The Abbd Regnier, secretary of the French Academy, 
 was collecting in his hat from each member a contri- 
 bution for a certain purpose. The president, Roses, 
 one of the forty, was a great miser, but had paid his 
 quota, which the Abbe not perceiving, he presented the 
 hat a second time. Roses, as was to be expected, said 
 he had already paid. " I believe it," answered Reg- 
 nier, " though I did not see it." " And I," added Fon- 
 tenelle, who was beside him, " I saw it, but I do not 
 believe it." 
 
 Cardinal de Bernis, when only an Abbe, solicited 
 Cardinal Fleury, then four-score, for some preferment. 
 Fleury told him fairly he should never have anything 
 
TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 287 
 
 in his time. Bernis replied : MonseigneuT fattendrer, 
 "My lord, I shall wait." 
 
 
 
 Francis I. was one day playing at ten-pins, when a 
 monk, who was playing on his side, by a successful 
 stroke insured the victory to the king's party. " Well 
 done !" said the king ; " a brave stroke for a monk ! J> 
 " Sire," replied the monk, " your majesty can make it 
 the blow of an Abbd when you please." Soon after- 
 wards the Abbaye of Bourmazen became vacant, and 
 the king gave it to him. 
 
 An advocate of the king, in pleading, used to put 
 his arms in such a position that he seemed to be level- 
 ling them at the court. The president, a man of hu- 
 mor, tired of this eternal gesture, said to him one day, 
 " Raise your piece a little, sire ; you will hurt some- 
 body." 
 
 On the 18th of October, 1609, the daughter of the 
 Count de Crequi, aged nine, was married to the Mar- 
 quis de Rohan, the son of the Duke de Sully. The 
 minister, Dumoulin, seeing the bride approach, said, 
 " Do you present this child to be baptized ?" 
 
 When Fox came last into power, he was one day 
 talking to Mr. Sheridan about new taxes. " Why," 
 said Mr. Sheridan, " that is not my department ; all I 
 think is, that we should be careful not to meddle with 
 any that reach oursel yes." " Aye !" rejoined Mr. Fox, 
 " what then think you of one on receipts /" 
 
288 TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 
 
 The Abbe do la Riviere was praising very highly 
 the Due d'Orleans, the uncle of Louis XII., in the 
 presence of his daughter. Among other things, he 
 said, " He was a very wise and pious prince, and a 
 man of great worth." " True," replied Mademoiselle 
 d'Orleans, " you ought to know better than any one, 
 for you have sold him often enough." 
 
 Louis XII. one day looking at himself in his mir- 
 ror, was astonished to see a number of grey hairs on 
 his head. " Ah I" said he, " these must be owing to 
 the long speeches I have listened to ; and it is those 
 
 of M. le in particular, that have ruined my 
 
 hair." 
 
 M. Bossuet, Bishop of Meaux, at eight years of age, 
 preached a sermon at the Hotel de Rambouillet. It 
 was nearly midnight when he closed, and Yoiture, who 
 was present, said, as he rose to go, " I have never 
 heard a sermon so early or so late." 
 
 Bantin, in presenting a poet to M. d'Hemery, said, 
 " Sir, I present you a person who can give you immor- 
 tality ; but you must give him something to live upon 
 meanwhile." 
 
 Augustus Nicholas died just at the time when a poll- 
 tax was about to be levied, and the wits, who knew 
 his avaricious disposition, said he died to avoid it, and 
 
TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 289 
 
 made an epigram on him to that effect, declaring that, 
 when Charon asked him for his fare, he exclaimed : 
 
 " cruel fate ! in vain I fled ! 
 We pay a poll-tax when we're dead !" 
 
 mrnm 
 
 An admirer of some of our modern poets said to 
 the learned Professor Porson, about fifty years ago, 
 that Wordsworth and some others of his school would 
 be read after Milton, Dryden, and Pope were forgot- 
 ten. " Yes/' replied the professor, " but not before." 
 
 During our Revolutionary war, an interview took 
 place at Ward's Point, between Lord Howe and Dr. 
 Franklin. Lord Howe was profuse in his expressions 
 of gratitude to the State of Massachusetts, for erect- 
 ing a marble monument, in Westminster Abbey, to his 
 elder brother, Lord Howe, who was killed in America 
 in the last French war, saying, "he esteemed that 
 honor to his family above all things in this world. 
 That such was his gratitude and affection to this coun- 
 try, on that account, that he felt for America as for a 
 brother, and if America should fall he should feel and 
 lament it like the loss of a brother." Dr. Franklin, 
 with an easy air, and a collected countenance, a bow, 
 a smile, and all that naivete which sometimes appeared 
 in his conversation, and is often observed in his writ- 
 ings, replied : " My Lord, we will do our utmost en- 
 deavors to save your lordship that mortification" 
 
 Le P&re Arius said, " When le Pere Bourdaloue 
 13 
 
290 TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 
 
 preached at Rouen, the tradesmen forsook their shops, 
 lawyers their clients, physicians their sick ; but when 
 I preached the following year, I set all to rights, every 
 man minded Ms own business." 
 
 Scipio Nasica, the cousin of the great Scipio, called 
 nne day on Ennius, the poet, whose servant (though his 
 master was at home) denied him. Soon after, Ennius 
 returned the visit, and was told by Scipio himself that 
 he was not at home. " Nay," said Ennius, " I know 
 you are, I hear your voice." " You are a fine fellow, 
 indeed," replied Scipio, "When I called the other 
 day on you, I believed the maid who told me you were 
 not at home, and now you will not believe me, although 
 you have my own word for it." 
 
 The learned professor and principal of the Academy 
 of Sauniur, used to spend five hours every morning in 
 his study, but was very punctual at dinner. One day, 
 on his not appearing precisely at the dinner hour, his 
 wife entered his study and found him still reading. " I 
 wish," said the lady, " that I were a book." " Why so ? " 
 replied the professor. " Because you would then be 
 constant to me." "I should have no objection," re- 
 joined the professor, "provided you were an alma- 
 nac." "Why an almanac, my dear?" "Because I 
 should then have a new one every year." 
 
 In the times of Diogenes, an infamous character, of 
 great intellectual note, had the following inscription 
 
TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 
 
 written above his door. " Let nothing bad enter this 
 door." " And where," said Diogenes, " shall the mas- 
 ter of the house enter ? ' 
 
 Joshua Barnes, the famous professor of Greek at 
 Cambridge, was remarkable for a very extensive mem- 
 ory, but also for the weakness of his judgment ; and 
 when he died, the wits wrote, 
 
 " Hie jacet Joshua Barnes, 
 Felicissimee memoriae, 
 Expectans judicium." 
 
 Here lies Joshua Barnes of most happy memory, 
 waiting for judgment. 
 
 The Marquis del Carpio, a grandee of Spain, was 
 once giving the holy water to a lady, who presented 
 him a skinny, ugly hand, ornamented with a costly 
 diamond, and he said loud enough to be heard, Quis- 
 iera mas la sortija que la mano : i. e., "I had rather 
 have the ring than the hand." The lady, taking hold 
 instantly of the golden collar of his order, said, Ego el 
 cdbestro que el asno : i. e. y " And I the halter, rather 
 than the ass." 
 
 Mr. Pye, who was made poet-laureate at the begin- 
 ning of this century, was a man of great learning, and 
 much was therefore expected of him. His first ode 
 was on the king's birth, and it was distinguished for 
 nothing but its frequent allusions to vocal groves and 
 
292 TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 
 
 feathered choir. George Stevens, a facetious wit of 
 the times, read it, and immediately exclaimed : 
 
 " When the Pye was opened 
 The birds began to sing I 
 And was n't that a dainty dish 
 To set before a king f" 
 
 Queen Margaret, of France, wife of Henry IY., was 
 provoked by one of many beggars, to say Pauper ubi- 
 que jacet " the poor lie everywhere ! " when the men- 
 dicant, to her surprise, exclaimed : 
 
 11 In thalamis, Regina, tuis hoc node jacerem, 
 Siforet hoc verum, Pauper ubique jacet " 
 Thy bed then, Queen ! this night I should lie there, 
 If it were true,"*" The poor He everywhere ! " 
 
 To which the Queen retorted : 
 
 " Carceris in tenebris plorans hoc nodejaceres, 
 Si foret hoc verum, 'Pauper ubique jacet ' " 
 A prison dark ! this night you should lie there, 
 If it were true, " The poor lie everywhere." 
 
 When Dante was at the Court of II Signore della 
 Scala, the sovereign of Yerona, the prince said to him 
 one day : " I wonder, Signor Dante, that a man so 
 learned as you are should be hated by all my court, 
 and this fool," pointing to his favorite buffoon, who 
 stood by him, " should be by all beloved." Dante re- 
 plied : " Your Excellency would wonder less, if you con' 
 sidered that we like those ~beM who most resembte our- 
 selves." 
 
TABLE WIT AND ANECDOTES. 293 
 
 Cicero one day sent for Pophilius Cotta, a professor 
 of civil law, to be a witness in a case which he was 
 trying. The professor came, but on entering the court, 
 declared that he " knew nothing of the matter" " Don't 
 be in a hurry," exclaimed Cicero ; " you think, perhaps, 
 that I am going to examine you in jurisprudence." 
 
 One of the wits of Queen Elizabeth's time wrote 
 the following quaint lines on the Queen and Sir Fran- 
 cis Drake : 
 
 " Nature! to old England still 
 
 Continue these mistakes; 
 Still give us for kings such queens, 
 And for our Dux such 
 
i'PiEAMBLES AND RESOLUTIONS. 
 
 A PREAMBLE is simply an intrc luction to a resolu- 
 tion, or to a sot of resolutions, and is intended to give 
 reasons why they should be offered. 
 
 The opening clause of the Declaration of Indepen- 
 dence of the United States partakes of the nature of a 
 preamble, and is as follows : 
 
 " When, in the course of human events, it becomes 
 necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands 
 which have connected them with another, and to as- 
 sume among the powers of the earth the separate and 
 equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's 
 God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of 
 mankind requires that they should declare the causes 
 which impel them to the separation." 
 
 The above simple and brief statement of the reason 
 why the declaration which follows it is made, is a mod- 
 el preambk in consequence of its brevity and simplic- 
 ity ; and the declaration itself partakes of the nature 
 
 (294) 
 
PREAMBLES AND RESOLUTIONS. 295 
 
 and intent of a series of resolutions, justifying the act 
 of independence. 
 
 A preamble should be as brief a statement as is pos- 
 sible of the character and propriety of the resolutions 
 to which it is an introduction. 
 
 There is on record an amusing history of the man- 
 ner in which our pious New England fathers justified 
 their seizure of all the lands of the natives of the 
 country, which they accomplished by preamble and 
 resolutions in something like the following form : 
 
 " Whereas, l The earth is the Lord's, and the fulness 
 thereof 
 
 " 1st, It is Resolved, That this land belongs to the 
 Lord. 
 
 " 2d, Resolved, That we are the Lord's people. 
 
 " 3d, Therefore, Resolved, That this land belongs to 
 us." 
 
 And they took it. 
 
 Preambles and resolutions are sometimes introduced, 
 with great effect, on convivial occasions, to give a 
 sort of mock dignity and importance to some common 
 event, and may be made a source of a great deal of 
 
2% PREAMBLES AND RESOLUTIOXS. 
 
 amusement. A Xew York gentleman who was about 
 starting for the eity of Washington where he was to 
 be married, gave a supper to his bachelor friends, at 
 which, after the party was considerably warmed with 
 champagne, the following preamble and resolutions 
 were introduced, as a concluding act of an evening of 
 merriment : 
 
 Whereas, Marriage has been held in the highest es- 
 teem by all refined and civilized nations ; and has the 
 sanction of divine command, as the only authorized 
 means of multiplying and replenishing the earth ; and 
 
 Whereas t Our worthy and obedient host, moved with 
 a sincere and pious desire to obey this command to the 
 utmost of his distinguished ability, has resolved to en- 
 ter at once upon the arduous and responsible duties of 
 matrimony therefore, 
 
 Resolved, That this meeting tender to him congratu- 
 lations, and express its high sense of the fidelity and 
 ability with which he will prosecute his laudable un- 
 dertaking. 
 
 Resolved, That a committee of nineteen be appointed 
 to accompany him on his journey as far as the city of 
 Baltimore, to support, comfort, aid, and encourage him,, 
 and thereby keep him from faltering in his matriinoni 
 al intentions. 
 
 Resolved, That we generously allow our worthy host 
 to pay all the expenses of said committee. 
 
 At a convivial party of journeymen tailors, the eve- 
 ning was concluded with the following preamble and 
 resolutions : 
 
PREAMBLES AND RESOLUTIONS. 297 
 
 Whereas, Every profession is to be respected accord- 
 ing to its importance to mankind, 
 
 Resolved, That there is no profession or trade which 
 deserves more the respect and gratitude of society than 
 that of the tailor. 
 
 Resolved, That the tailor is the most charitable of 
 men, inasmuch as he makes it his business to hide the 
 imperfections and cover up the faults of mankind. 
 
 Resolved, That to the tailor society is indebted for 
 its greatest propriety and decency, as without him all 
 men would be obliged to appear naked in the public 
 streets. 
 
 Resolved, That the tailors' trade is the oldest and 
 most respectable on earth, it having originated in the 
 Garden of Eden, where, after the devil had exposed 
 our first parents' nakedness, a tailor kindly stepped in 
 and made them garments of fig-leaves. 
 
 Resolved, That we, tailors, no longer submit to the 
 disgraceful appellation of " ninth part of a man" but 
 boldly show the world that, individually, we possess 
 the full measure of manhood. 
 
 Resolved, That any tailor who uses a short yardstick, 
 and refuses good and honest measure to his kind cus- 
 tomers, disgraces his craft. 
 
 Resolved, That these resolutions be published in all 
 the family newspapers in the city of New York. 
 
298 PREAMBLES AND RESOLUTIONS. 
 
 The preamble and resolutions rraybe made to con- 
 vey the most terrible rebuke to rascality and hypocri- 
 sy ; an instance of which occurred some time ago, in 
 a small village about thirty miles distant from the me- 
 tropolis. A man who had been, all his life, a gambler 
 of the most scandalous description, and who brought 
 up his daughters in a " free-love" club, and from their 
 childhood familiarized them to the society of black- 
 legs and licentious adventurers, was rebuked by the in- 
 dignant villagers in the following manner : 
 
 Whereas, All such practices as gambling and the man- 
 ufacturing of obscene and indecent wares are opposed 
 to the best interests of society, and can not exist with- 
 out more or less destroying the foundations of moral- 
 ity and religion ; and 
 
 Whereas, It is every man's duty to protect society 
 from all such associations as havo a tendency to cor 
 rupt good manners and good morals ; 
 
 Resolved, That the man who offends against society 
 by the practice of such aggravated and indecent vices 
 forfeits all claim to the respectful notice of decent and 
 upright people. 
 
 Resolved, That no man can familiarly associate with 
 gamblers, black-legs, and venders of obscene articles, 
 without subjecting himself to the ruspicion of conniv- 
 ing at these monstrous and disgusting v^ces. 
 
 Resolved, That young women who arc brought up in 
 such licentious and abominable society as " free-love" 
 clubs, and who associate from their infancy with the 
 most impure and abandoned of men and women, are 
 
PREAMBLES AND BESOLUTIONS. 299 
 
 unfit uini dangerous associates for the sons and daugh- 
 ters of respectable and well-conducted families. 
 
 Resolved, That any man who would open the doors 
 oi respectable families to such loose-minded and cor- 
 rupting associations, is a foe to the well-being and 
 virtuous manners of refined society, and deserves to 
 be regarded with suspicion and dread by all prudent 
 and right-minded parents. 
 
 Resolved, That it is neither proscription nor persecu- 
 tion to refuse the ordinary intercourse of respectable 
 social life to those who disregard the sacred rules of 
 decency, morality, and religion. 
 
 We scarcely need add that the above preamble and 
 resolutions had the desired effect upon the obnoxious 
 family, and completely banished it from every avenuo 
 of prudent and respectable social intercourse. 
 
 The remedy was a truly severe one, and one that 
 could not be approved by the charitably disposed, ex 
 cept under circumstances where the greatest alarm 
 was felt for the good manners and pure morals of the 
 young of both sexes. 
 
DUTIES OF CHAIRMAN OF A MEETING, 
 
 ELECTION, OB APPOINTMENT. 
 
 1. ON this officer, of course, depend mainly the orde? 
 and the efficiency of a meeting. It is too much the 
 custom to confer the office as a sort of compliment, as 
 a mark of respect to the man. And as rank and the 
 possession, or reputed possession, of wealth are held 
 in respect, so some one of the persons present more 
 distinguished than the rest by a quality of this kind 
 is usually selected. A reputation for learning, or for 
 talent, comes in for its share of consideration ; and 
 ripeness of years, and gentlemanly deportment and 
 conduct have their weight. All this is very well. 
 Men do look, will look, and, indeed, ought to look, 
 among the possessors of these distinguishing charac- 
 teristics for their leaders, their representatives, and 
 their presidents. And if they find in one of these 
 possessors the qualities which fit a man for the office 
 in question, they will act wisely in selecting him. 
 
 2. To confine ourselves, however, to the selection of a 
 man for the office of chairman of a meeting in which a 
 debate is to be held, 
 
 (BOO) 
 
ELECTION, OH APPOINTMENT. 301 
 
 3. It is desirable, nay, it is necessary to the good con- 
 duct of the meeting, that the chairman be regarded with 
 confidence. It will not do to nominate a man for such 
 an office, as is not unfrequently done, out of mere per- 
 sonal compliment ; done, too, frequently, by some pert 
 and forward hanger-on, sometimes to repay obligations 
 already received, or to bespeak expected favors. It 
 will not do thus to suffer impertinence to usurp the 
 office, to place its idol in the chair, and to lower the 
 respectability, to consume the time, and to impair or 
 destroy the efficiency of the meeting. 
 
 4. The chairman ought to be a man previously held in 
 respect ; but at all events he must be treated with def- 
 erence whilst he is in the office ; and his authority, his 
 decisions, should be upheld and enforced by the meet- 
 ing, or there can be no order. At any rate, the chair- 
 man must be held in respect. 
 
 5. There is something, nay, there is much in the per- 
 sonal appearance and in the years of a man by which 
 the respect of an assemblage is to be raised and pre- 
 served ; his known station and habits of life come 
 next into consideration ; and then his fitness for the 
 office, which is instantly perceived and felt by the 
 meeting. 
 
 6. This fitness for the office is certainly the main thing. 
 Imposing and gentlemanly appearance, habits of com- 
 mand in private life, the possession of a standing in 
 society, of learning, and even of talents, sink, all sink, 
 
802 DUTIES OF CHAIRMAN OF A MEETING. 
 
 into nothing, when the man is placed in a situation for 
 which he is not, and for which he and every person 
 present feel that he is not fitted. Whilst, on the 
 contrary, the fitting man, although devoid of all exter- 
 nal aids of person and of fortune, without reputation 
 for talents or for learning, but having a knowledge 
 of the duties, of the business of the office ; having a 
 mind clear, not liable to be disturbed ; a man thus 
 self-possessed, with appearances and prepossessions 
 against him, will often disperse and emerge from the 
 difficulties, and make the assemblage forget the man 
 in the dignity and the importance of the office. 
 
 7. Such en tire fitness for the office of chairman is not, 
 it must be confessed, often to be found. However, in 
 every assemblage of our countrymen we may find some 
 of these qualities, some of these mental qualifications. 
 And if we find them in a man respectable for his years 
 and his personal appearance, let them be preferred ; 
 if with these we find wealth, honorably inherited or 
 acquired, and liberally enjoyed, still better ; and last- 
 ly, if in addition to all these excellent qualifications 
 we can find for our chairman a man in the enjoyment 
 of a high station in society, then shall we have every 
 reasonable security for the pleasant, the orderly, and 
 the efficient conduct of a meeting. Whilst, on the 
 contrary, when a man is thrust into the office just to 
 subserve the views of an officious individual, or party, 
 without any natural or acquired personal fitness for it, 
 his incapacity stands in need of so many advisers ; so 
 many volunteer their aid he gets PO many participa- 
 
ELECTION, OR APPOINTMENT. 803 
 
 tors in his office ; petty and self-appointed chairmen 
 spring up in every quarter of the meeting, which soon, 
 instead of becoming an orderly assemblage, degener- 
 ates into a disorganized mob ; and would, after wrang- 
 ling and quarrelling, disperse as such, were it not for 
 the determined perseverance of some few energetic 
 men who may take the imbecile chairman into their 
 hands, and, by poking him about, through one step 
 after another, get through the business of the meeting 
 with or without the knowledge or the concurrence of 
 the greater part of the persons present. 
 
 8. To avoid catastrophes of this kind, and to obtain at 
 least some of the satisfactory results and attendant 
 circumstances of an orderly and well conducted meet- 
 ing, let every man, on his first entrance into it, and 
 until the chairman be appointed, cast about him, 
 and be prepared instantly to name the most suitable 
 person, in his estimation, for the office. Thus will 
 each man be prepared to do his duty on this prelimi- 
 nary and important point. Being thus prepared, each 
 individual may wait until the lapse of the moment 
 when the appointment is to take place. Then, of course, 
 some person ought to propose a chairman ; or, if there 
 be some sufficient reason for deferring such proposition 
 for a short time, it will be an act of acceptable kind- 
 ness on the part of any gentleman, in an audible voice 
 1o address a few words to the assemblage, stating, in 
 his opinion, such reason, and proposing, in distinct 
 terms, not an indefinite time, not " a few minutes" nor 
 " ten minutes, or a quarter of an Aow,"but a definite 
 
304 DUTIES OP CHAIRMAN OF A MEETING. 
 
 time : so that the persons present may know exactly 
 their time ; may know the moment to which the busi- 
 ness of the meeting is adjourned, and not be left at 
 the mercy of any tricky party, who might mould the 
 meeting to almost any shape or purpose by taking ad- 
 vantage of an indefinite adjourment ; which is, in fact, 
 and ought always to be regarded, as a breaking up or 
 dissolution of the meeting. 
 
 9. The moment for business having arrived, the moment 
 for the appointment of a chairman, some one of the 
 meeting names a gentleman for the office. Let not 
 this disconcert any man. It is the moment on which 
 the order and respectability of the meeting depend 
 more than on any other ; and let each man, who is a 
 lover of order, be prepared to do his duty. If he be 
 the man on whom you have fixed, second the nomina- 
 tion with all decent expedition ; but if not, if you think 
 you have set your eye on a more eligible man, just al- 
 low time, and not an instant longer than is requisite ; 
 just allow time for such a seconding, and then, wheth- 
 er the first nomination be seconded or not, in as firm 
 a voice as you are master of, nominate the gentleman 
 whom you have chosen. 
 
 10. Let it not be imagined that such a nomination of a 
 second, a third, a fourth, or a fifth gentleman for this 
 office is any mark of disrespect towards any one. I 
 may not know the gentleman or gentlemen already 
 nominated ; or knowing may know nothing of his or 
 of their fitness for the office ; whilst I do know that 
 
ELECTION, OR APPOINTMENT. 305 
 
 tho gentleman on whom I have fixed is a very eligible 
 person, perhaps a very able chairman. I submit his 
 name, th erefore, to the meeting, desirous that this meet- 
 ing, of which I am a member, should have the benefit 
 of his skill and impartiality. The nomination of a 
 second, of a third, or a fourth gentleman for the office, 
 whilst it is the best service that any man at this time 
 can render to the meeting, seeing that it offers to that 
 meeting a choice, on a point of so much importance ; 
 whilst it is the best service that any man can render 
 to the meeting, is, as before stated, no mark of disre- 
 spect towards any gentleman previously named. There 
 can be no honor in being appointed to an office where 
 there is no choice. So let me be elected from among 
 others, says every man who is at all qualified for the 
 office, and worthy of presiding among his neighbors. 
 
 11. To return to the important process of appointing 
 a chairman. A gentleman has been named ; I have 
 allowed time a distinct moment must be sufficient 
 for the nomination to be seconded ; and then, 
 having previously fixed on a gentleman whom I know 
 to be qualified for the office, or whom I prefer, in a 
 distinct and audible voice I name him. A moment's 
 pause, sudi as was before allowed, in courtesy, in de- 
 cency, in justice, ought to be allowed for the seconding 
 of my nomination ; and then another gentleman may 
 with perfect propriety be nominated in like manner ; 
 and another, and another. The meeting will now 
 have a choice. And if these pauses be allowed, and 
 the nominations be made distinctly, it will soon be 
 
308 DUTIES OF CHAIRMAN OF A MEETING. 
 
 seen, soon be heard, on which gentleman the choice of 
 the meeting rests. And such a course of proceeding, 
 which, even if four or five gentlemen be thus nomi- 
 nated, will not require more than a single minute, will 
 be a happy passage of an orderly course of proceeding 
 throughout. 
 
 12. As it is a duty incumbent on the persons assembled 
 to listen to the nominations, and to allow the mo- 
 ment's silence requisite for the seconding, so does 
 this state of things impose a duty on the persons who 
 may be nominated to the office of chairman. This 
 duty, without the observance of which there will be 
 disorder ; this duty is silence, and an acquiescence in 
 the decision of the meeting. Disclaimers, protests of 
 unfitness, of indisposition, of the superior claims of 
 others ; in short, speeches of any sort, however short, 
 ought to be carefully avoided until there be a chair- 
 man seated and the meeting thereby organized. It 
 does not follow that because a gentleman is nominated 
 to the office of chairman that he will be appointed. So 
 that each gentleman so named may with perfect pro- 
 priety, and indeed ought to remain silent, leaving it to 
 the meeting, who best know whom to prefer, to make 
 its choice. If, indeed, it do happen that, owing to the 
 state of health or to any other circumstance, the 
 gentleman selected have some insuperable objection 
 to undertaking the duties of the office, as it is desira- 
 ble above all things that the meeting be organized 
 with as little delay as possible, still let such gentle- 
 man take the chair, and from that position, as briefly 
 
ELECTION, OR APPOINTMENT. 307 
 
 AS he please, state or allude to the objection, begging 
 the meeting to choose another chairman, during which 
 he will preside and render his best assistance. There 
 being now a chairman, the meeting, being now organ- 
 ized, may and ought to have the question, on each 
 nomination, put to it, and its vote taken on each nom- 
 ination ; just as its vote is to be taken on any other 
 question. But, before proceeding to take the votes, 
 the chairman should allow time for all the nominations 
 likely to be made. 
 
 13. It is an awkward and unpleasant thing for a gen- 
 tleman called upon to fill the office of chairman of a 
 meeting, on the occasion of his first taking the chair 
 to have to make his way towards it alone. No gentle- 
 man ought to be left in this situation, whether the 
 meeting be large or small. On the election of the 
 Speaker of the House of Representatives, he us, with 
 great propriety, accompanied and handed to his chair. 
 And something of this ought to be observed and 
 practised, of ushering to his seat for the first time the 
 chairman of any company. 
 
 14. Thus far I have treated of cases in which the chair- 
 man is to be chosen by the meeting on its assembling. 
 A.nd it is in such cases only that precepts or advice 
 can be required. There are other cases, in which 
 meetings are convened, and the intended chairman is 
 named in the requisition, or document, by which the 
 meeting is convened. Such meetings are, of course, 
 the result of some previous meeting, great or small, at 
 
308 DUTIES OF CHAIRMAN OF A MEETING. 
 
 which this appointment of chairman, and other arrange- 
 ments have been made. All this is very proper, de- 
 sirable, and even necessary, in the case of a large 
 meeting. To such previous appointment of a chair- 
 man there could be no reasonable objection, even 
 if it did not come recommended to us by its ten- 
 dency to forward the business of the meeting ; there 
 could be no reasonable objection to it, in point of 
 order, at least, seeing that it is previously and 
 openly announced ; and the man who entertains insur- 
 mountable objections to the chairman, may stay away. 
 
 15. It must be proper and desirable, on occasions of 
 large meetings, to have the chairman previously ap- 
 pointed. Five hundred persons are probably as large 
 an assemblage as can be expected, on the instant, to 
 elect a chairman in a satisfactory manner ; and it may, 
 therefore, on all occasions on which a meeting is rea- 
 sonably expected to exceed this number, be desirable 
 for some smaller number, including among them, of 
 course, unless it be impracticable, the originators of 
 the proceedings ; it may, in all such cases, be desirable 
 and proper for some such body of persons to select 
 and appoint a chairman : the mode of doing which 
 ought, however, to be attended with at least all the 
 observances and forms that are inculcated in para- 
 graphs 9, 10, and 11 ; and ought, likewise, to be influ- 
 enced by the considerations suggested in the few pre- 
 vious paragraphs, beginning with that numbered 4. 
 
 10. A smaller body may thus, with perfect propriety 
 
ELECTION, OR APPOINTMENT. 309 
 
 and, indeed, very laudably, take upon itself to appoint 
 a chairman to a larger body of persons. And this it 
 may do, either in time to have it duly announced, pre- 
 viously to the assembling of the larger body, or just 
 at the moment appointed for the commencement of 
 business ; such smaller body being assembled and 
 known to be assembled, in some contiguous and duly 
 accessible place ; and known, indeed, by the great 
 body of the meeting, to be so assembled for the pur- 
 pose of making this and other arrangements for the 
 orderly and efficient conduct of the meeting. 
 
 17. One word here as to the PRINCIPLE on which this 
 and the other rules are laid down ; the principle on 
 which all proper rules and observances must be found- 
 ed. This principle is, simply, JUSTICE ; it is, in another 
 word, EQUITY. That is to say, equality of right. A 
 number of persons are called together to discuss, to 
 debate, to resolve, to determine. If there be some 
 previous arrangement by which one man, in virtue of 
 his office, or by due election, shall preside ; and if, as 
 in cases of shareholders, some of the parties assembling 
 are, by due and previous agreement, to have two or 
 more votes, whilst others are to have only one ; if there 
 be cases of this kind, there can be no inequity in such 
 appointed officer or chairman taking his place ; nor 
 any in the larger holders having a plurality of votes ; 
 because, as predicted, all has been duly and previous- 
 ly arranged and appointed. But, where no such 
 arrangement or appointment hae been made, or 
 agreed to ; where a meeting is called without anjr 
 
310 DUTIES OF CHAIRMAN OF A MEETING. 
 
 previous and explicit distinction of persons and of 
 powers, all are to be understood as equal ; that is, 
 equal in point of rights. In this state of things every 
 man who has a right to be present, and, of course, 
 every man who comes within the description of the 
 requisition, has such right ; every such man has a right, 
 and an equal right with any other man, to assist in 
 the nomination of a chairman, or to be himself nomi- 
 nated and elected ; and, of course, an equal right to 
 make, and to second, and to vote for or against, motions 
 and amendments. This is the principle, this is the rule. 
 And on the due observance of this principle, through- 
 out the whole of its proceedings, must the peace, and 
 the order, and the final success of every meeting pro- 
 ceed. 
 
 18. Nor is there the slightest reason for any rational 
 or just man to wish that it were otherwise. Are we to 
 be told that there is a difference in the education, in 
 the understanding, in the rank and station, and in the 
 moral and intellectual qualities of men ; and that, on 
 this account, they ought not to be equally treated ? Is 
 this the plea for distinctions, for preferences, and for 
 exclusions, at meetings such as these of which we are 
 treating ? Show me your gauge for measuring, for 
 ascertaining the exact worth, the intellectual rank, of 
 men ; and for exhibiting with precision the estimation 
 in which a man is held, and in which he ought to be 
 held, by his neighbors and his fellow-countrymen ; show 
 me this gauge, and then will I consider of the plea for 
 distinctions and exclusions. 
 
ELECTION, OR APPOINTMENT. 311 
 
 19. But, indeed, we have this gauge. And we see it 
 applied as completely as human infirmities and prepos- 
 sessions will permit us to apply it, in the case of a 
 public meeting. It is indubitable that when any man 
 offers himself, for any purpose, to the attention of an 
 assemblage of his neighbors, that assemblage applies 
 the gauge. It takes into consideration all his quali- 
 ties and pretensions, and, bating that leaning towards 
 wealth and power and established reputation, to which 
 we are all of us prone, it generally forms a tolerably 
 accurate estimate of a man. At all events, this is the 
 best gauge we have. The decision is apt to be greatly 
 in favor of the influential and the educated ; and he 
 who wants more than this for them, must be an irra- 
 tional devotee. 
 
 20. So much for the principle on which we ought, and, 
 indeed, on which, if we would preserve the peace and 
 order and secure any good effects from a meeting, so 
 much for the principle on which, throughout the whole 
 of the affair, we must proceed ; that is to say, a princi- 
 ple of equity towards every man duly entitled to bo 
 present. 
 
 21. To resume : We left our subject with paragraph 
 16, in which the appointment of a chairman to a large 
 meeting, by a smaller preparatory meeting, had been 
 considered and concluded. The chairman, then, is se- 
 lected and appointed. The next step to be taken is, to 
 introduce him to the larger meeting, and to install him 
 in his office ; which may be done with great Dropri 
 
312 DUTIES OF CHAIRMAN OF A MEETING. 
 
 ety and effect by a brief address from some gentleman 
 who is acquainted with the merits and the fitness of the 
 chairman elect. And this, may we not venture to pro- 
 nounce, is the only occasion on which a speech of 
 any description can with propriety be addressed to a 
 meeting previous to the installation of its chairman 
 and to its consequent organization. 
 
 THE EEQUISITE POWERS AND DUTIES OF HIS OFFICE. 
 
 22. These duties, when a discussion is to bo carried 
 on, when motions are to be made, and amendments 
 moved, and eager speakers to be restrained, and some- 
 times turbulent auditors to be ruled ; these duties are 
 not within the scope of every man. And yet, when we 
 call to mind the considerations by which assemblages 
 of men often seem to be guided in the selection of a 
 chairman, we might very fairly conclude that this of- 
 fice, one of the most difficult that a man can be called 
 on to sustain, is, in their estimation, the very easiest 
 thing in life. However, it is not our business to ex- 
 patiate on the difficulties, but to remove or to surmount 
 them. 
 
 23. The chairman ought, in reality, to have a chair, 
 and this chair ought, if the assemblage be of any con 
 siderable number, to be raised, and by all means so 
 placed as to detach, in some slight degree, the gentle- 
 
REQUISITE POWERS AND DUTIES. 313 
 
 man, who is on every occasion to be observed ; who 
 is to be first addressed ; who is to be appealed to first 
 and last by every speaker ; whose rising is, on the 
 instant, whatever may be going forward, to be the 
 signal for the most silent attention ; who is, in fact, 
 whatever he be in his individual and private character, 
 now the selected depository of all the authority, and. 
 indeed, of all the dignity of the meeting. This gentle- 
 man, who ought never to be out of sight, ought by no 
 means to be kept standing whilst others are speaking. 
 And this arrangement, although due to him, is not to 
 be regarded as designed solely for his ease, and in 
 compliment to the man, but as one of the requisite 
 means for preserving the order of the assemblage. 
 
 24. How, indeed, can any man preserve this order, 
 among contending parties and rival speakers, unless 
 he have this, and every other arrangement that can 
 be devised, to make the duties of the o^Qce less diffi- 
 cult? 
 
 25. There is, we believe, a becoming disposition 
 among us to pay deference to the chairman, but then 
 he must be A CHAIRMAN. He must not be one among 
 a knot of men, surrounded by them, talking with them 
 scarcely visible to the greater number of persons 
 present. How is any man to preside, if he be one of 
 a cluster of men, some of them, possibly, rivals and 
 opponents, and for any thing that even he or the meet- 
 ing knows, caballing against him ? The thing is not 
 to be expected ; is impossible. 
 
 14 
 
314 DUTIES OF CHAIRMAN OF A MEETING. 
 
 26. Besides, for another important reason, the chair- 
 man is not to be spoken with save by his secretary or 
 clerk, and ought to hold none but indispensable com- 
 munications even with him, during debate. Setting 
 aside the unseemliness of communicating, in private 
 conversation, with individuals of the meeting, there 
 must be always sufficient to occupy the whole mind 
 of the chairman in the business of the meeting, the 
 object of which he must keep constantly and clearly 
 in view so as to detect, and be ready +o check on the 
 instant, any, the slightest aberration from it. He is 
 to know, is to see, and to hear every thing that is 
 going on ; he is to bear in mind all that has passed, 
 and to have a clear view of what remains to be done, 
 so as to be able to suggest with promptitude the next 
 step to be taken, and thereby to keep the attention of 
 the meeting to its purpose. To insure attention and 
 order, he must himself set the example, and must listen 
 with marked attention to every speaker. 
 
 27. With this arrangement the office of chairman 
 becomes much less difficult than it would otherwise be. 
 The gentleman appointed ought, as was before inti- 
 mated, to be accompanied or handed to his chair by 
 some one or two others, so that every one sees and 
 feels that his taking upon himself the office is not a 
 piece of assumption on his part. 
 
 28. No gentleman will require to be reminded that 
 on taking the office of chairman, in a meeting in 
 which different and opposing measures may be pro- 
 
EEQUISITE POWERS AND DUTIES. 315 
 
 pounded, lie resigns all thoughts of promoting any 
 particular views or course of proceeding to which 
 he himself may be inclined. If a gentleman can 
 not thus resign his views and there are cases in 
 which a man ought not his duty will be to take 
 the chair to which he is elected, and from that situa- 
 tion to state to the meeting the obligation he is 
 under to advocate and to maintain a particular course 
 of proceeding, and to beg that they will select another 
 chairman, during which selection he will gladly assist 
 by presiding. 
 
 29. On entering upon the duties of his office, the 
 chairman will have to address himself to the meeting, 
 very briefly but distinctly adverting to the purpose for 
 which it is assembled, and if there be a requisition or 
 other document under which the meeting is convened, 
 he will do well to read it ; or, if it be of any length, to 
 cause it to be read in a distinct and audible voice. 
 After this, if it be not indicated in the requisition, the 
 chairman may with great advantage point to the 
 course of proceeding intended to be pursued by the 
 gentlemen who have projected and convened ihe meet- 
 ing ; the course by which they mean to pursue their 
 object, if he be informed of that course ; and thus will 
 the meeting have the whole matter before them. What- 
 ever may be his opinions or his wishes with regard to 
 the proposed measures, it will be his duty to abstain 
 from the slightest expression of them, leaving the ad- 
 vocating of the measures, and the objecting to them. 
 to the several speakers. If there be seats for the 
 
316 DUTIES OP CHAIRMAN OF A MEETING. 
 
 company, and they are not seated, it is highly expedient 
 that the chairman require them to be so. And if he 
 think that some of them require instruction on this 
 head, it will be equally expedient in him to request 
 that gentlemen will keep their seats during the business 
 of the meeting, save when they rise to speak ; and that 
 each gentleman, on the conclusion of whatever he may 
 have to say, instantly resume his seat, affording there- 
 by a fair opportunity for any other gentleman to rise. 
 Observations of this kind, according to the taste and 
 judgment of the chairman, concluding with a recom- 
 mendation to the meeting to give a patient hearing to 
 the several speakers, will form a very suitable prelude 
 to the business of the meeting. On resuming his seat, 
 the chairman, both now and on every other occasion, 
 intimates his desire that the business of the meeting 
 should proceed. 
 
 30. A motion will now, of course, be submitted to the 
 meeting ; and this motion, having been read, generally 
 by the mover, will doubtless be seconded. After the 
 moving and the seconding, the words of the motion in 
 writing being handed to the chairman or to his secre- 
 tary, ought again, in an audible voice, to be read to 
 the meeting, either by the chairman or by some person 
 of his appointment : and immediately after this, for 
 any objection to be made on such motion, or any 
 amendment moved thereon. If, after a reasonable and 
 sufficient pause, no objector present himself, the chair- 
 man will proceed to put the motion to the meeting, 
 taking the votes for it. and then against it, in the 
 
REQUISITE POWERS AND DUTIES. 317 
 
 manner usual at meetings of the same description. 
 This is by a show of hands, or by the ayes and 
 noes. 
 
 31. If, however, an objection to the ORIGINAL MO- 
 TION, as the first motion is called, be raised, that objec- 
 tion must take one of the following shapes : it must be 
 an AMENDMENT, or it must go to NEGATIVE the motion, 
 or it must go to POSTPONE the consideration of the 
 motion, or it may be for the PREVIOUS QUESTION, or, 
 lastly, it may be a motion to ADJOURN the meeting. 
 And it is a duty incumbent on the chairman to see 
 that the objector shape his course distinctly to one of 
 these ends. If the objector do not, pretty early in his 
 speech, disclose to the assembly to which of these ends 
 he is shaping his course, the chairman may, with great 
 propriety, rise from his seat and ask him the question 
 as to what end he is aiming. The understanding and 
 the patience of a number of men are not to be trifled 
 with, and their purposes frustrated by indefinite and 
 aimless harangues. The chairman, I gay, under such 
 circumstances, may inquire as to the- course intended 
 to be pursued. But he will, doubtless, use his judg- 
 ment as to this point. If the speaker be listened to 
 with eager attention by a part of the meeting, and 
 with patient attention by a decided majority, then will 
 there be no propriety in interrupting him ; for such 
 attention is the best test of his being right. It is, in 
 short, to save the meeting from a waste of its time and 
 a trespass on its temper that the chairman, in a case 
 of this kind, is to interfere. And he will do it, of 
 
318 DUTIES OF CHAIRMAN OF A MEETING. 
 
 course, with all due courtesy ; with firmness and au- 
 thority when required. 
 
 32. Of these four modes of raising an objection to 
 an original motion, it is of the utmost importance that 
 we obtain a clear understanding. So let us treat of 
 them severally, in due order. 
 
 33. But, first ; of an ORIGINAL MOTION. There is a 
 duty here incumbent on the chairman with regard to 
 this motion ; a duty due to his own character and to 
 the character of the meeting. Although such a case 
 seldom occurs, yet, as it might occur, we ought to be 
 prepared for it. A motion, even an original motion, 
 may be framed on an oversight, or in error, with re- 
 gard to the express purpose of the meeting. In this, 
 .as in other cases, it is the duty of the chairman to be 
 vigilant j and if such a case occur he ought to point it 
 out. 
 
 34. However, this, after all, may be only matter of 
 individual opinion, as every proposition is to be re- 
 garded until it have been determined on by a vote of 
 the meeting. The chairman may misapprehend the 
 motion ; or he may even be under some error with' 
 regard to the express purpose of the meeting. Either 
 of these is possible but we ought to be very careful 
 in admitting and acting on such a presumption ; how- 
 ever, it is possible that the chairman, in objecting to a 
 motion on this ground, may be in error ; in which 
 case, with becoming deference to his office, he may be 
 
REQUISITE POWERS AND DUTIES. 319 
 
 reasoned with. If his objection be not removed, then 
 it will be his duty to set such erroneous motion a>side ; 
 or, if susceptible of correction, to have it corrected. 
 T f, however as it is of course possible the chairman 
 be, in such a case, manifestly, and in the opinion of a 
 majority or near a majority, in error, and his error be 
 not corrected, then ought lie, as due to himself and to 
 the meeting, to entreat that meeting to select another 
 chairman, and thus to permit him to resign an office 
 in which no man ought to be called on to do any thing 
 or to sufler any thing to be done which he does 
 not deem perfectly consonant to order. What has 
 been just stated with regard to the course to be 
 pursued by a chairman in the case of an original 
 motion, is equally applicable to an amendment on a 
 motion. 
 
 35. Second ; of AN AMENDMENT on a motion. This, 
 as the term imports, is designed by the mover as an 
 improvement on a previous motion. There are cases 
 in which we may very properly entertain a wish 
 that nothing should be done ; cases in which we may 
 not only be opposed to a motion just made, but alto- 
 gether opposed to any thing of the nature of such a 
 motion ; opposed to any step whatever being taken in 
 any such direction ; and, indeed, opposed to any move- 
 ment whatever. In a case of this kind we do not 
 propose an amendment ; unless, indeed, we might 
 choose, as a means of awakening the attention of the 
 meeting to our own view of the case, to propose an 
 ironical amendment ; except in such a case as this, if 
 
320 DUTIES OF CHAIRMAN OF A MEETING. 
 
 we be opposed to any thing being done, in the direction 
 proposed, we do not move an amendment, bat object 
 to, argue directly against, the motion, and seek to per- 
 suade the meeting to reject it by voting it out. We 
 do not move " as an amendment " that the step pro- 
 posed in the foregoing motion be not taken ; nor that 
 the motion be rejected. We do not, in such a case, 
 make a motion of any description ; but, as before stat- 
 ed, we argue against the motion. There can, in short, 
 be no motion properly framed to put a direct negative 
 on any thing. Motions, propositions of any sort, must 
 never be in the negative, but always in the affirmative 
 form. They must always affirm that something is, 
 or SHALL BE ; never the contrary. And it is part of 
 the duty of the chairman to see that all motions be 
 put in the proper form. 
 
 36. An amendment, then, like an original motion, must 
 be in the affirmative form ; and, professing as it doe? 
 to be an improvement on such motion, it ought, osten- 
 sibly at least, to be shaped towards the same end ; un- 
 less, indeed, that in the opinion of the mover of the 
 amendment the original motion be not conformable to 
 the purpose of the meeting, in which case he may, on 
 that ground, offer his amendment for the avowed pur- 
 pose of superseding that motion altogether. 
 
 87. Third. Sufficient has been said in the last par- 
 agraph but one on the mode of proceeding in order 
 to put a negative on a motion. Of the methods of 
 resisting the adoption of a motion, as enumerated in 
 
REQUISITE POWERS AND DUTIES. 821 
 
 paragraph 31, the third is by a motion postponii/g its 
 consideration, the meaning of which is too obvious to 
 require a word of explanation. 
 
 38. Fourth ; of THE PREVIOUS QUESTION. A mo- 
 tion to this effect is resorted to in order to set aside a 
 motion without either amendment, postponement, ne- 
 gation, or further discussion thereon. There are prop- 
 ositions which we may deem useless or unwise, but 
 which we can not absolutely pronounce to be unsuitable 
 and irrelevant to the purpose of the meeting, and 
 which, therefore, the chairman can not take upon him- 
 self to prohibit and put down. The motion for the 
 previous question is a contrivance to get rid of a prop- 
 osition of this sort, without either calling on the 
 chairman to do so ungracious a thing as to prohibit 
 its discussion, or on the meeting to vote upon it. It is, 
 in short, a contrivance to elude a further discussion of 
 a proposition. Its nature is this : A motion, being 
 made and seconded, is to be put to vote if no person 
 rise to oppose it. Well, no person may like to place 
 himself in the situation of an opponent to such a prop- 
 osition : for it may affirm a series of undeniable 
 truths, but lead to no practical result, and it is for re- 
 sults that men meet in debate ; or it may be irrelevant 
 to the purpose or purposes of the meeting, and yet 
 have a semblance of propriety so as to make its im- 
 propriety questionable ; or, lastly, it may be incom- 
 prehensible, nonsensical, or absurd. 
 
 39. Now a man of sense and spirit does not liko 
 
 14* 
 
822 DUTIES OF CHAIRMAN OF A MEETING. 
 
 to place himself in opposition to a proposition such as 
 any of these which we have sv.pposed. And yet he, 
 and a majority of the meeting, may wish to get rid of 
 it. The step then to be taken is to move the previous 
 question ; which question, although never directly put 
 save in a case of this kind, is always understood to 
 have been put, and carried in the affirmative, previous 
 to a meeting entering on the discussion of any motion. 
 And the moving of " the previous question " is the 
 moving " That this meeting do now proceed with the 
 discussion of the motion before it." The mover of 
 this wishes, of course, that the meeting shall decide 
 that it will not proceed with the discussion, and there- 
 by throw out the proposition. But, as laid down in 
 paragraph 35, all motions must be made in the affirm- 
 ative form, and a negative vote may thus be obtained 
 under that form. 
 
 40. Thus may a meeting at any time, if it please, in 
 a regular and orderly manner, and without throwing 
 the ungracious office on its chairman, set aside a mo- 
 tion which it may deem useless, or otherwise unworthy 
 of discussion. " The previous question," however, must 
 wait its turn ere it be moved. The motion against 
 which it may be employed, besides being moved, must 
 be seconded, and put to the meeting by being read by 
 the chairman or by some person under his direction. 
 Because, until this be done, " the previous question " is 
 prdmaturc, is unnecessary, is out of order. 
 
 41. Fifth, and last. A motion to ADJOURN. This 
 
REQUISITE POWERS AND DUTIES. 323 
 
 may be made at any time, and may be again and 
 again repeated. Nor is it an easy matter to devise a 
 rule by which the making of it can be restrained, 
 without subjecting a meeting to very great incon- 
 veniences. The usual restraint, the obligation not to 
 make a motion for an adjournment lightly and incon- 
 siderately,, or for factious purposes, consists in the 
 great responsibility, in the odium to which the mover 
 would subject himself, unless countenanced by the gen- 
 eral sense of the meeting. But this odium, this re- 
 sponsibility, is generally sufficient, and is the chief or 
 only security for orderly conduct in any part of a 
 public meeting. 
 
 42. Thus, then, have we before us the several mo- 
 tions and forms of motions which any member and 
 every member, entitled to be present at a meeting, has 
 a right to make ; and that which each individual has 
 a right to do, it is the business and the duty of the 
 chairman to protect him in the performance of. 
 
 43. Is it necessary to observe that these rights arc 
 little liable to be abused ? They never, in fact, are 
 abused. Our citizens generally are but too diffident 
 of themselves to be troublesome in making superfluous 
 motions. And no one will call in question the salu- 
 tary nature of these rights, save persons of peevish 
 and ungovernable tempers, who would have every 
 tiling their own way. However, salutary or not. the 
 rights do exist, and must exist, where a number of men 
 are assembled for the purpose of debating on any prop 
 
324 DUTIES OF CHAIRMAN OF A MEETING. 
 
 osition, and there can be no order unless all parties 
 be equally protected and aided by the chairman in 
 the fair exercise of these rights. 
 
 44. But these are rights to make motions merely, 
 Every individual entitled to take part in the proceed 
 ing, that is to say, entitled to be present and to vote, 
 is fully entitled to make motions, and to second mo- 
 tions, provided that such motions be conformable to 
 the rules just laid down. But the making of speeches, 
 the occupying of the time and attention of the meet- 
 ing by making speeches, is another affair. Here, each 
 man must make his own way to the favor and to the 
 attention of a meeting. And the meeting ought to be 
 allowed to choose whether it will hear him or not. 
 It must be the duty of a chairman to forbid partial, 
 and envious, and preconcerted interruptions of a 
 speaker ; but if a whole meeting have a distaste either 
 for the man, or for his manner of speaking, or for 
 the matter of his speech, it can never be the duty of a 
 chairman to insist on their listening. The meeting 
 ought to be allowed to choose whom and what it will 
 listen to, in the way of speaking ; and has a right, 
 must have a right, to express its approbation, or its 
 disapprobation, in any manner it may please. It is 
 partial and preconcerted interruptions only that a 
 chairman ought to repress, without being called upon 
 to obtain a hearing for a tedious, incapable, or other- 
 wise distasteful speech. But a motion is another mat- 
 ter. A man who can not obtain attention as a speak- 
 er, may move a proposition ; and it must be the duty 
 
REQUISITE POWERS AXD DUTIES. 325 
 
 of the chairman to protect him in this right, and to 
 treat his motion with quite as much respect and atten- 
 tion as he would treat that of the most eloquent and 
 favorite speaker. 
 
 45. I am supposing, of course, that a motion thus 
 offered is duly adapted to the purpose of the meeting, 
 and that it is, if amounting to any thing more than a 
 simple proposition to postpone a decision, to adjourn 
 a meeting, or something equally brief and clear j I am 
 supposing, that if it be a motion requiring many 
 words, it shall be handed to the chairman, duly and 
 clearly written out, and -then, being comformable to 
 the purpose or purposes of the meeting, and to the 
 business then in hand, it must be the duty of the 
 chairman to receive it and to put it to the meeting as he 
 would put any other proposition. For inability to make 
 a speech, or inability to obtain a hearing, arise from 
 what cause it may, can in no respect be regarded 
 as disqualifying a man for making motions. To re- 
 turn : 
 
 46. A motion being fully submitted to a meeting, 
 that is to say, being moved, seconded, and read or 
 recited by the chairman, can no longer be deemed the 
 mere proposition of the mover and seconder, to be, 
 if they please, at any time withdrawn by them. On 
 the contrary, it has become a sort of property of the 
 meeting. There is no knowing, without a vote, who 
 may be for it or who against it. It may be the 
 pleasure of the meeting, or of a part of the meeting, 
 
82F DUTIES OF CHAIRMAN OF A MEETING. 
 
 to pronounce its opinion on the proposition ; and, 
 having submitted it, tho mover and seconder are not 
 competent to withdraw it, save with the unanimous 
 acquiescence of the meeting. 
 
 47. A motion being thus fully before a meeting, if 
 no objector present himself, may be put to the vote 
 without further speaking, although there can be no 
 irregularity in a third or fourth speaker offering 
 reasons in its support. But neither mover nor 
 seconder ought again to be permitted to speak, save 
 in explanation of some previous obscurity or manifest 
 misapprehension, and to such explanation should any 
 further words from either of them be very rigidly 
 confined. But if an objector appear, if a debate 
 arise, then may the mover speak a second time ; or Ids 
 seconder, as I apprehend, if no member object to it, 
 may without impropriety speak on his behalf ; such 
 speech being strictly confined to a reply to the objec- 
 tions stated; to explanations as before spoken of; and 
 to a summing up of the arguments previously used in 
 support of the motion. No new matter ought to be suf- 
 fered to originate in this second speech, for, if it were, 
 the whole debate would be reopened, and the objectors 
 to the motion would manifestly be entitled to answer 
 such new matter, and bring forward new arguments 
 and second thoughts on their parts against it. And 
 thus would there be no end to a question. 
 
 48. This right of reply, as it is termed, exists in 
 the mover of an original proposition ; but belong 
 
REQUISITE POWERS AXD DUTIES. 327 
 
 not to the mover of an amendment, whose move- 
 ments altogether, both speech and motion, are in oppo- 
 sition, are in answer to the original motion, and to the 
 speech or speeches made in its support. There must 
 be limits to a debate. Men who do not make speeches 
 must not be kept in unlimited attendance on those 
 who do ; nor must speakers be permitted, by repeated 
 answers, by replies, and rejoinders, to degenerate into 
 a wrangle. The rule is : One speech for each man, 
 if he please, on each motion, and no more, save to 
 ihe mover of an original proposition ; whose second 
 speech is, also, to be kept from new matter, from 
 second thoughts in favor of his motion, save such 
 tli oughts as clearly apply in answer to the objections 
 just made to his proposition. It is, of course, the 
 duty of the chairman liberally to interpret and to 
 apply this rule. 
 
 49. With regard to the time of commencing his 
 reply. This, as almost every thing else in these 
 matters, must be in deference to the convenience and 
 wishes of the meeting. When a number of men are 
 assembled on business, that business ought to be done 
 with promptitude, with spirit, but with due attention 
 to, order. There ought to be no loitering, nor any 
 indecent hnste. So the time for the mover to rise and 
 to commence his reply is when a pause occurs in the 
 rtcbfitc ; when no person appears eager to make objec- 
 tion ; or when a meeting, impatient to com? to a 
 rlosc, calls for an end to the debate. In either of 
 these cases the chairman will handsomely fulfil his 
 
323 DUTIES OF CHAIRMAN OF A MEETING. 
 
 duty by turning his eyes towards the person who made 
 the original motion, thereby signifying to him that he is 
 ready to hear any thing which such person may have 
 to say in reply. 
 
 50. The debate being ended by the reply, or by the 
 person who is entitled to reply declining to exercise 
 his right, without permitting any further speeches or 
 amendments the chairman ought to proceed to put 
 the question, as it is called, that is, to take the vote 
 of the meeting ; which vote he, of course, takes in the 
 manner that is usual in meetings of the same descrip- 
 tion ; commonly by a show of hands : but if there be 
 a dispute or uncertainty about the decision, it must 
 become his duty to divide the meeting, and, if neces- 
 sary to a satisfactory decision, to have the persons on 
 each side counted. 
 
 51. There must be no unfair proceeding in this part 
 of the conduct of a meeting. There is a never-failing 
 and a most admirable disposition in the people of this 
 country to debate on their differences, to discuss their 
 opposing claims ; to meet for these purposes ; and then 
 all parties who have a right, and who choose to be pres- 
 ent, being assembled, to put the point in dispute among 
 them to the vote, and then to yield to that vote whether 
 it be for or against them. This disposition in the great 
 bulk of the people never fails us. And nothing in 
 human nature can bo more admirable, more salutary. 
 They think not of fighting. Come, say they, let us 
 discuss the difference between us ; and, having duly 
 
EEQUISITE POWERS AND DUTIES. 329 
 
 and fairly done that, let us take the opinions of all 
 the parties concerned by a vote, and if we be out- 
 voted we will yield. Men see things in different 
 lights, their interests frequently oppose each other, 
 therefore there will be differences of views, of opinions, 
 and of feelings ; but what can be more admirable 
 than this disposition of our fellow-citizens, thus fairly 
 to discuss and peaceably to settle those differences ? 
 
 52. To ensure such peaceable settlement, however, 
 the proceedings must be fair, must be equitable. Men 
 must not be thus invited to meet, to discuss, and to 
 vote, and then find that a little knot of people have 
 predetemrined what the decision shall be. Men who 
 will yield with cheerfulness to a majority, become 
 unruly when they find that they are assembled to be 
 deceived, to be betrayed. This, of course, can never 
 happen, save when the chairman is of the party who 
 have predetermined the question, or when he, through 
 weakness or through some culpable motive, lends 
 himself to their unfair views. If the chairman do his 
 duty; if, having excepted the office of chairman, he 
 deal impartially ; if, having duly received motions, 
 and had them debated, he proceed to ascertain on 
 which side the majority stands, and give his decision 
 accordingly ; if he do all this, as a man of honor 
 always will do, however discontented some of tho 
 minority may be, the greater part of them will silently 
 and even contentedly acquiesce, all will respect, the 
 majority will zealously support him, and order and 
 good temper will reign over the meeting. 
 
330 DUTIES OF CHAIRMAN OP A MEETING. 
 
 53. But for the chairman to lend himself to the 
 purposes of a party, what is it but to pervert his office, 
 and to betray the confidence which men are accus- 
 tomed to repose in that office ? The least evil arising 
 from such a course of conduct is the discontent and 
 turbulence usually attendant on it. The ultimate and 
 not very remote consequences of such behavior on 
 the part of chairmen, were it to become prevalent, 
 would be to drive our brave, our generous, our just 
 countrymen from their habitual fair play and confi- 
 dence in each other ; to drive them from these, which, 
 happily, are still a part of their nature ; to drive them 
 from their debating and voting, into the use of the 
 knife and the dagger. 
 
 54. To return to the course of business which the 
 chairman has to perform, the details of which we left 
 in the taking of the vote, at paragraph 50. 
 
 55. If there be but one motion before the meeting, the 
 chairman proceeds, the debate being ended, to take the 
 votes FOR and AGAINST that motion. But if there be an 
 amendment on that motion, he takes the votes for and 
 against the amendment first ; and, if there were a second 
 or a third amendment, then would he have to take the 
 votes on these severally, for and against each, begin- 
 ning with the last, and ascending upwards towards the 
 original motion. 
 
 CJ 
 
 5G. When there is a motion and an amendment 
 thereon to be voted on, it is a common practice to 
 
REQUISITE POWERS AND DUTIES. 331 
 
 take the vote simply for the amendment, and then 
 that for the original motion, and so to decide the 
 question between these two merely in favor of that 
 which has the greater number of votes. But this is 
 by no means correct. For, although one of these 
 motions may have more votes than the other, it does 
 not follow that it is to be adopted. A majority of 
 the meeting may be averse to both, and have, there- 
 fore, voted for neither. It is their turn to vote. 
 And to give them this turn, each motion must be put 
 completely to the meeting, FOR and AGAINST. Thus 
 first, for the amendment, and then, against the amend- 
 ment. When, if a majority be for the amendment, the 
 question is settled, the amendment being carried, and 
 the original question voted out ; but if the majority 
 be against the amendment, then comes the voting for 
 and against the original motion. And this may be 
 outvoted, likewise. It by no means follows that 
 because two or three propositions are made to us, we 
 must accept one of them. We may very wisely 
 choose to remain as we are, rejecting every proposed 
 alteration. 
 
 57. In the manner thus laid down may a number of 
 motions, original, or amendments, be successively dis 
 posed of. And the rules laid down on this, and on 
 all the other points, apply equally to large or to small 
 meetings. 
 
 58. Having ascertained that the business of the 
 meeting, and consequently the duties of the chairman, 
 
332 DUTIES OP CHAIRMAN OF A 3IEETLNO. 
 
 are at an end, the chairman ought, with promptitude, 
 to declare that the proceedings have terminated, 
 and instantly to leave the chair ; affording thereby 
 an opportunity to the meeting to express its approba- 
 tion or disapprobation of his conduct. 
 
 59. Thus far have we looked only to the duties and 
 to the office of chairmen of occasional or single 
 meetings, without referring to those of the chairman 
 of a permanent society, council, or committee, which 
 assembles, adjourns, and reassembles at stated and 
 appointed periods. 
 
 60. It must be merely on the reassembling of a 
 meeting of this kind that there can now remain any 
 thing particular to observe on. On such occasions 
 the chairman will have to refer to the minutes of the 
 preceding meeting. Whether this assembling be a 
 recurrence only of the ordinary and regular meetings, 
 or the result of a special appointment, by adjournment 
 or otherwise, it will, in the outset, be the business of 
 the chairman to state. And then he will read, or 
 cause to be read, from the minutes of former meetings, 
 whatever may tend to lead the present into the busi- 
 ness awaiting its attention. 
 
 61. There are one or two questions closely connected 
 with this part of the subject, yet to be spoken of. 
 The first of which in point of interest and importance, 
 is this : 
 
REQUISITE POWERS AND DUTIES. 333 
 
 62. Can a chairman, who has made himself obnox- 
 ious to a meeting, or who has lost its confidence, can 
 a chairman thus circumstanced be removed ? And if 
 he can, in what manner is it best to be done ? 
 
 G3. I answer, that I do not see how a chairman 
 can, according to any rules of order, be forced out 
 of his office, and another placed in stead, and the 
 business of a meeting be carried forward. When a 
 meeting is so unfortunate as to have a chairman who 
 will not act impartially, he is little likely to listen to a 
 proposition for his own removal and for the election 
 of another. Men ought, in the outset, to be careful 
 whom they elevate to the office of chairman. But 
 finding themselves hampered with a partial and 
 perfidious person in that office, I know of no course, 
 that can be pursued, with' a due regard to order, but 
 that of determining to do no business under him. Let 
 an adjournment sine die be moved ; let it be put to 
 the meeting in the best manner it can be put ; see that 
 a decided majority are in its favor, and then leave the 
 obnoxious chairman with his partisans, if they choose 
 to remain. 
 
 64. The question sometimes arises Is there any 
 occasion on which a person speaking may be inter 
 rupted by another person rising to address the chair- 
 man ? This is a nice and important point. And I 
 answer, that such interruption may with propriety take 
 place. But the person offering the interruption takes 
 upon himself the responsibility. If he offer it iDv 
 
334 DUTIES OF CHAIRMAN OP A MEETING. 
 
 properly, he will incur the disapprobation, the censure, 
 and condemnation of the meeting. It can be proper 
 only when a speaker is out of order ; either making 
 a proposition that is irregular in some particular, or 
 wandering from the question before the meeting, or 
 otherwise unnecessarily consuming the time, or endan- 
 gering or perverting the just and reasonable purposes 
 of the meeting. It is an ungracious office to interrupt a 
 person who is thus irregular ; the chairman may be in- 
 attentive to the irregularity, or, hoping it will soon ter- 
 minate, may defer the exercise of his authority. In any 
 case of this kind, an individual of quick discernment 
 and great zeal for the success of the proceedings may, 
 with commendable spirit, rise, and, addressing himself 
 to the chairman, may point out the irregularity. That 
 may suffice to put a stop to it. But if it do not, the 
 meeting will most probably' express its opinion. 
 
 65. An individual thus offering himself to the 
 attention of the chairman, in the middle of a speech, 
 ought to be listened to whilst he briefly points out 
 what he conceives to be an irregularity. And the 
 moment an individual thus rises, signifying, as he 
 ought to do, that it is on a point of order, the person 
 speaking ought, of course, to stop, awaiting the 
 decision of the chairman, who alone, and not the 
 meeting, is to be addressed and appealed to on all 
 points of order. 
 
 66. When at once two or more persons rise, or ad- 
 vance, in order to address the chairman or the meet- 
 
REQUISITE POWERS AND DUTIES. 335 
 
 ing, tlie question as to which shall first speak is to bo 
 determined by the chairman, who will determine it in 
 favor of the gentleman who first catches his eye 
 There can be no better rule devised than this. The 
 chairman, as laid down in paragraph 23, ought to be 
 so placed as to be able to see all, and to be seen of all ; 
 and, as it is part of his duty to avail himself of this, 
 his favorable situation, so ought he best to see who 
 first advances to speak. After the gentleman who 
 first catches the chairman's _ eye, the second and third, 
 according to the nomination of the chairman, ought 
 to have the privilege of speaking. 
 
 67. The last point which, under this head, it may be 
 advisable to notice is this and it is designed for 
 every individual member of a meeting. Let the chair- 
 man be the sole preserver of order. Any attempt to 
 assist him in this part of -his office, save by silent and 
 respectful attention to him, must tend to create dis- 
 order. There are, certainly, extreme cases in which 
 it may become expedient for a meeting to expel from 
 its body some ungovernable and disorderly individual : 
 this, of course, is a case to which the rule just laid 
 down does not apply. It is the privilege of the chair- 
 man alone to call to " ORDER." Let no other individ- 
 ual presume to utter the call. But let the meeting at 
 all times be ready to enforce attention to the wishea 
 and to the commands of " THE CHAIR." 
 

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