University of California • Berkeley 'M^ Gift of THE HEARST CORPORATION ^> to /t/Vv Digitized by tine Internet Arciiive in 2008 witii funding from IVIicrosoft Corporation littp://www.arcliive.org/details/comicaritlimeticOOforrricli COMIC ARITHMETIC. ^-4^^ -5^-" v.. A FIGURANTE. Go the vhole figure." — Sam Slick. LONDON : RICHARD BKNTLKY, ^"EW BURLINGTON STREET 1841. LONDON : B. CLAY. PRINTER, BKKAU STREET HILL. LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. PAGE The Sign of EauALixY— " Who are You.'" •'> The Sign of Subtraction « A Pluralist « The Sacred Haltah 7 Dividing the Chinese, a cutting Joke 7 The Pooh Curate— The Bishop 1) A Save-all .... 13 Mihi Cura Futuri H A Man of many Woes 15 The Man who takes care of No. 1 22 "Take from" 25 Taken in and done for 27 " Who steals my Purse steals Trash." 28 " Forking up." 33 Lawyer dividing the Oyster 37 The Lion's Share 40 The Insolvent Trap.—" The Law binds, but the Law looses" 44 " Slowed Puffery " .^o " Out of Proportion " 52 Called to Account 54 "The nearest Way to a Man's Heart" 55 jV. LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. PAGK A Sliding Scale ')/ " Broken Down" 59 Fractional Signs 60 An Ancient and Modern Mug . . 62 Knocking down the Lot 71 Done by Interest 72 At a Premium and Discount 73 Thi: Old and New Principle— both with Credit ... 74 The Tin-der Passion 76 Faith and Duty 77 The Gallipot Crane 83 The Carpenter Woodpkckeh 84 The Red-tape Snipe 85 The Heron 86 A Decimal Figure 89 A STRONG Tithe 90 The Point of the Bayoni-.t 91 Practising at Exeter Hall. — Hulla, Boys, Hulla . . 97 Practising for the Ministry 102 Practising for the Opera 104 Discounting for a Man formerly 112 Measuring by tije "Yard"— True fit 122 Charles I. — a Block-head 140 Assurance." llfl Mutual Assurance 150 The World is kept up by Puff 177 PREPACE. TO THE READER, OR RATHER TO THOSE WHO HESITATE IN BUYING THIS WORK. " Good wine needs no bush, and, therefore, little by way of preface is necessary to this Work. " He who is ignorant of arithmetic," says Archi- medes, *' is but half a man." Therefore, for the sake oi manhood, which drapers'-boys and lawyers'- clerks attempt by means of mustachoes and penny- cigars, read this Work, — for if the dead abstractions of this science will make a man, what must the living realities do ? — Nothing less than a Phoenix D'Orsay, which is at least 1 man | and |. Read this book, then, my friends, young and old. It teaches practical philosophy in every B PREFACE. chapter ; wisdom in every page ; and common sense in every line. Get this manual at the fingers' ends of your mind, and your physical and mental powers will be so expanded that you will be able to catch a comet by the tail ; take the moon by the horns ; knock down the great wall of China, a la Crihh ; or measure the spectre of the Brocken for a pair of breeches, and thus cut a pretty Figure. FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. Of ^rftjmetfc antr it% importance. INTRODUCTION. Arithmetic is the art or science of computing bj numbers. It is national, political, military, and commercial. It is of the highest importance to the community ; because it pre-eminently teaches us to take care of Number I. Our minis- ters succeed according to their knowledge of the science of numbers. Witness the skilful manage- ment of majorities of the lower house. He who understands the true art of Addition, Subtraction, Multiplication^ and Division, as here laid down, will not be considered a mere cipher in B 2 4 INTRODUCTION. tlie world; but will, in all probability, make a considerable /^wre ; and in the figurative words of Horace, be "Dives agris dives positis in foenore nummis." Let us, therefore, under the guidance and pro- tection of that god of honest men, the light-heeled and light-fingered Mercury, be diligent so to add to our store by subtracting from the stores of others, that we may add to our importance. Let us so multiply our resources, by encouraging dim- sion among our contemporaries, that we may see their reduction in the perfection of our own practice. ** Rem facias ; rem Recte si possis, si non, quocunque Modo rem."* Hor. * See page 19, (Addition,) for a poetical version of this maxim. / EXPLANATION OF ARITHMETICAL SIGNS AND CHARACTERS. BatJALITT. " WHO ART. YOC ?" = Equality. The sign of equality : as, " A living beggar is better than a dead king ;'' or both being dead, are equal to each other. FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. — - Minus, less. The sign of subtraction ; as, for instance, an elopement to Gretna; or, a knocking-down argument by the way-side, — minus ticker. Take from ~ from take. A PLURALIST. + Plus, or more. The sign of addition ; as, 3 livings 4- to 1 = 4 ; or, 5 millions of new taxes + to 48 = 53. ARITHMETICAL SIGNS. y THE SACKED HALTAK. X Multiplied by. The sign of multiplication; as, '* The sun breeds maggots in a dead dog."— i^ee Shakspeare, Or, " Money makes money." — See Franklin. Or, Anti-Malthus. — See Ireland. DIVIDIKG THE CHINESE, A CUTTING JOKE. -r- Divided by. The sign of division. Ex- 8 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. ample 1. The Whigs. — 2. The Church. A house divided against itself. Division of property ; the lion's share, &c. SIGNS OF PROPORTION. Is to : so is : : As Lord B is to Bishop P , so IS a blue musquito to a planter's nose. As Sir B, I IS, TO J H , so is a pair of donkey 's-ears to a barber's-block. As Tommy Buncombe is to Lord Stanley, so is shrimp-sauce to a boiled turbot. NUMERATION. THE POOR CURATE. THE BISHOP. KULE I. NUMERATION. Numeration teaches the different value of figures by their different /?/«c65 (see Walkinghame, Court Guide, Law List, &c.) ; also the value of ciphers, or noughts, according to their relative situations (see Intellectual Calculator, or Martin's Arithmetical Frames). As regards the value of figures in places, we have illustrations in sinecures B 3 10 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. of all grades, from the Lords of the Treasury to the meanest underling of the Stamp-Office. Place and pension make the unit a multitude, according to the position of the noughts, — that is, that large portion of the public called the nobodies. The more a man is surrounded by his inferiors, the greater he becomes. Hence the necessity of restrictive tariffs to prevent wealth in a community, — and of impediments to education. It is not, therefore, naughty for our betters to keep us down by any kind of mystification ; as the sun always looks larger through a fog. The value of figures and of ciphers will be well understood in the following table, which ought to be committed faithfully to memory. It wiU be seen that when the noughts, the nobodies, that i», the people, go before the legislative units, their value is consequently decreased; but when they follow as good backers in good measures, the value of the characters is increased ad infinitum. NUMERATION. 11 • TABLE I.—" LEGISLATION BEHIND THE PEOPLE." The good old times. 1 King. 20 Lords. 300 Tithe-eaters. 4000 Quarrel-mongers (lawyers). 50000 Men-killers (army). 600000 Land-swallowers (landlords), 7000000 Divldendists. 80000000 Pensioners. 900000000 Sinecurists. TABLE II.— LEGISLATION IN ADVANCE OF THE PEOPLE, The new system, or march of intellect. King 100000000 Lords 20000000 Tithe-eaters 3000000 Quarrel-mongers 400000 Land-swallowers 50000 > Dividendists 6000 Men-killers 700 Pensioners 80 Sinecurists 9 1^ FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. KULE II. ADDITION. Our life is an addition sum ; sometimes long, sometimes short ; and Death, with "jaws capa- cious," sums up the whole of our humajiity by making the " tottle" of the whole. Man is an adding animal ; his instinct is, to get. He is an illustration of the verb, to get, in all its inflexions and conjugations ; and thus we get and beget, till we ourselves are added to our fathers. There are many ways of performing addition, as in the following : a young grab-all comes upon the fumblers at long-taw, as Columbus did upon the Indians ; or, as every thrifty nation does upon the weak or unsuspicious, and cries " Smug- gins ! " ADDITION. 13 y Addition is also performed in a less daring manner by the save-all process,, till Death, with his extinguisher, shuts the miser up in his own smoke. A SAVE-ALL, Addition may also be performed by subtraction by other methods. Xt is one to make " Jim along Josey ! " the watchword, as Joey does in the pan- tomime. If you would be merry. And never would fret, Then, get all you can. And keep all you get. 14 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. MIHI CUBA FUTUBI. Addition teaches, also, to add units together, and to find their sum total, as A-|-B=S. A bachelor is a unit ; a Benedict, unitee* Matrimonial Addition. — By common cipher- ing 1 and 1 make 2. But, by the mathematics of matrimony, t and 1 will produce from 1 to 20, arranged in row, one above another, like a flight of ADDITION. 15 A MAN OF MANY WOES. stairs. They make a pretty addition to a man's effects,, as well as to his income ; and, if not them- selves capital, are a capital stimulus to exertion. Surrounded by these special pleaders, a man becomes as sharp-set as a Lancashire ferret, and looks as fierce as a rat-catcher's dog at a sink-hole. Such men ought to be labelled, " Beware of this unfortunate dog ! " for he would bite at a file ! Adding to your name. — This is another mode of performing addition. It is not necessary to go 16 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. to an university for this, any more than it is neces- sary to go to a church to get married. The thing can now be done without it. Schoohnasters, and pettifoggers of all kinds, will find this an excel- lent piece of practical wisdom. ADDITION FOR COMMON NAMES." The Reverend Dr. O'Cnkey, B.J).— Duke of Dunces f or Bull Donkey. The Reverend Samuel Snuifers, A.M.— ^ Muff. John Petty Fog, Esq. LL.D. — Deuced Lying Lawyer, The Right Hon. Lord Dolittle, F.S.A.—Fumbler in Science and Art, The Most Noble the Marquis of Sligo,— F.R. S. Fellow of the Rigmarol Society. The Lord Knowswho, F.A.S. — Fool a star-gazing. Jeremy Stony batter, F.G.S. — Fluking of the Gammoning Society. Billy Buttercup, Esq. Y.Ij.^.— First of the Lub- herhead Society. Captain Marlinspike, F.N.S, — Fellow of no Society, ADDITION. 17 ADDING TO A STORY. " Oh ! Mrs. Wiggins, I declare I never heard the like I The wretch knows how to curse and swear. To bite, and scratch, and strike ! " All day he's tossicated, and All night he roams about ; But that is lucky, sure, for he Is worse when in than out." " If this is what you get when wed, I'm glad I yet have tarried : — Better to keep one's single bed. Than venture to get married. " But such a monster ! By and by That idle minx, his wife. With all her mawkish tenderness, Must 'gainst him swear her life. 18 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. " The fine piano long ago, Just after my last rout, With candlesticks and cruets too. Are all gone up the spout. " And bills return'd, as I have heard, Last week, one, two, or three ; And summonses for grocery — 'Tis nothing, though, to me. " They live like cat and dog. I own She always was a scold. She broke the table on his crown ; So I was lately told. ** 'Tis nothing, though, my dear, to me. As I before have said. If married people don't agree. They ought not to get wed." To go back a little to first principles, which should never be lost sight of in the teaching of any art or science, we must set forth the grand leading rule before our pupils. Addition teaches, therefore. ADDITION. 1 9 1. To get all we can. 2. To keep all we get. SONG. " Aigent comptant." PARENTAL ADVICE.— RULE I. Get money, my son, get money. Honestly if you can ; It makes life sweet as honey — My son, get money, get money ! Don't stand upon ceremony. Or you may look mighty funny ; But make it your constant song, Get money, get money, get money ! Money makes the mare to go, boy. Where every path looks sunny. Go it ! my lad, through thick and thin ; Get money, get money, get money ! 20 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. RULE II.— TAKE CARE OF NO. I. No.1. — O ! since the world was made from 0, And 'since old Time began. The maxim was, and still must be, Take care of No. I. Look at the " Times," our oracle. As sure as any gun. With hand upon the dial-plate, It points to No. I. * AH men are fond of him, and for His sake round earth will run. And bustle, turmoil, rub, and scrape For goodly No. I. The soldier, who so gallantly Hath battles nobly won. Though bravely fighting, ever still Takes care of No. I. * Any one wishing to observe this great lesson to all mankind set forth by the leading journal of Europe, has only to look at the little vignette at the top of the leading article of the "Times." ADDITION. 21 The mouthing prigs of Parliament, With long yarns nightly spun, Watch well for place and patronage, And all for No. I. And those who preach of charity. Enough your ears to stun. In making up their long accounts. Take care of No. I. One follows law, one physic serves. As shadows serve the sun ; But briefs, and draughts, and boluses All make for No. I. And those that oft make love more sweet Than cakes of Sally Lunn, In all their ardour ever have An eye to No. I. In short, mankind, both young and old. When serious or in fun. From hour to hour, from day to day. Take care of No. I. 22 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. The rich, the poor, both high and low, Ay, every mother's son, From Court to Poor-law Union, Take care of No. I. Too bad it is to be a bore. And so my strain is done, Except it is to say once more. Take care of No. I. The man who takes care of No. 1 . SUBTRACTION. 23 RULE IIL SUBTRACTION. '* I'll example you with thievery. The sun's a thief, and with his great subtraction Robs the vast sea. The moon's an arrant thief, And her pale fire she snatches from the sun. The sea's a thief, whose liquid surge resolves The moon into salt tears. The earth's a thief. That feeds and breeds by a composture stolen From general excrement : each thing's a thief. The laws you curb and whip in their rough power Have uncheck'd theft All that you meet are thieves." Shakspere. Subtraction teaches to "take from" or to find the difference of two numbers ; having taken too much in, and slept out ; to find the difference in sovereigns and shillings between that and sleeping at home according to the ^ conventional laws of virtuous propriety.'* {Vide Miss Martineau.) The figures are to be arranged in subtraction one under the other; that line expressing the 24 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. highest number, being placed above the line expressing the smaller number. In this arrange- ment, the upper line is called the subtrahend^ and the lower the suhtractor ; the difference is called the remainder. Our readers, the million, are the subtrahend. The following are subtractors : — Corn and sugar monopolists. Tax-collector. Easter- dues, beadle and clerk. Poor-rate. Christmas-box and Christmas-piece. Subscriptions for Chiggered Niggers. Parson Smith and his orphans. Poor relations. The Rule of Subtraction is perhaps the most useful in either national, political, or commercial Arithmetic ; "Take from" being the universal maxim of mnnkind from the day that Adam and Eve stole the forbidden fruit. In sacred history we find various exemplifications of the principle : Jacob made use of it when he obtained his brother's birthright and his blessing ; David, when he took the wife of Uriah. Profane or classical history abounds with examples. It was the royal and sacerdotal rule, in aU climes, countries, and SUBTRACTION. 25 times. Rings have grown thrifty by it, and conquerors invincible. " Take frorri'' is, in short, the motto of the legislators ; and rhetoric the soldier's watchword^ the prince's condescension^ the courtezan's smiley the lawyer's brief, the priest's prayer, and the tradesman's craft. The use of this rule, is to enable us to " do one another," not " as we would be done," without the contravention of the majesty of the law. c 26 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. " For why — because the good old rule Suffices us — the simple plan, That they should take who have the power. And they should keep — who can." We have had some amusing ways of performing this rule in "by-gone ages." Among the most celebrated, were Indulgences and Benewlences, They worked well for those who worked ill, and led to a multiplication of heresies. Subtraction is perhaps one of the most fashion- able of all the rules ; and any one who sets himself down for a gentleman must expect to be beset by a swarm of hungry locusts, who make a rule to bleed him at every pore till he becomes poor. When Edward the First took the wealth of the Jews and their teeth at the same time, he showed a fatherly consideration for those who having nothing to eat wanted neither incisores, cuspidati, bicus- pidaj, or molarii. But we are to be nipped, and squeezed, and tapped, and leeched, and drained to all eternity, and are still expected to — give. To take in. — This rule not only teaches us to take from, but also to take in, which is to take from, with true tact and skill. England is the SUBTRACTION. 27 Land of Cboshen in this particular, and Smithfield the focus of the art, whence the first rule for selling a horse is — 1. Take in your own father, Or, if you would rather. You may take in your mother, Or humbug your brother; And though you just kissed her, Bamboozle your sister ; Or you may send For your friend ; Or, still fond of pelf. If you can't find an elf. You may take in yourself. TAKEN IN AND DONE FOR. 28 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. 'who steals my purse steals thash.' SUBTRACTION OP CHARACTER, OR D-E-TRACTION. The rules already given for performing this branch of arithmetic apply to money matters; but the perfection of the art consists, not in simply taking from another what you want yourself, but that which does not enrich you, but makes him poor indeed. This has been styled, by way of eminence, the devil's subtraction, being the general essence of the black art. It is called i)etraction, SUBTRACTION. 29 Detraction may be performed in a variety of ways, as for example : — " Oh, I know him — his great grandfather was — but no matter, and his mother — no better than she should be, but I hate to speak evil of the dead. I have enough to do to mind my own business — and yet one cannot help knowing — but yet nobody knows what he is or how he gets his money. He makes a show cer- tainly, but I like things to be paid for before they are sported. His wife, too — what was she, do you suppose? As I have heard, a cook in a tradesman's family. — Well, a cook is not so bad after all — I am sure it is better than a doctor. But I believe he was forced to marry her. — Poor woman, she suffered, I dare say — Well, it is well it is no worse — It was the only amends he could make her — It would have been a cruel thing for the poor innocent children to be born illegitimate. — But he is still very gay — These sort of men will be — but there will be an expose some day. Things can't go on for ever — Well, I wish them no harm, poor creatures — But do you go to their party to-night? — I go only for the sake of seeing how madam cook conducts the enter- tainment." 30 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. KuLE FOR Ladies with regard to their Rivals. — Should any lady be so unfortunate as to fear a rival in the affections of some simple- hearted swain in the personal attractions of some youthful beauty whom he has never seen, it must be her method not to vilify her character or underrate her accomplishments, — no, this is but sorry skill. The more delicate and refined way of subtracting from her merits will be to employ unbounded panegyric, so as to raise the expectations of the feared admirer, that the real shall fall infinitely short of the ideal. This is another mode of per- forming subtraction by addition. Literary Subtraction. — This is of essential service to editors, reviewers, and others, who, having nothing good of their own with which to amuse the public, steal the brains of others. Rule, — Take from a work published at a guinea all its cream and quintessence, under pretence of praising it into immortality through the pages of your fourpenny review. " Castrant alios, ut libros suos per se graciles alieno adipe suffarciant."" SUBTRACTION. 31 Mercantile Subtraction. — It is well under- stood in this country, that no honest man can get a living, in consequence of the extraordinary com- petition'among us. It is therefore considered legal and justifiable for the baker to "take toll" and make " dead men ;" for the licensed victualler to make " two butts out of one ;" for the wine-merchant to " doctor" his port ; for the butcher to " hang on Jemmy ;" for the printer to make " corrections ;" for the tailor to " cabbage ;" for the grocer to " sand his sugar and birch-broom his tea." The milkman " waters his milk" by act of parliament ; and to show that all this is in the order of Pro- vidence, the rains of heaven wet the coals. National or Political Subtraction. — There is one part of the New Testament which all Christian rulers have religiously observed, namely, " Now, Cajsar issued a decree that all the world should be taxed." The art of taxation is, therefore, not only a religious obligation, but is the science of sciences and the most important part of National Arithmetic. Taxation is necessary just as blood-letting is necessary in plethora. Over-feeding produces a 32 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. determination of the blood to the head, and then radical rabidity breaks out into rebellion. Over- feeding requires bleeding. There is a tendency in every industrious nation to get on too fast. Taxation is the fly-wheel which softens and regulates the motion of the national machinery, the safety valve which prevents explosion, while that accumulation of taxation called the dead weight is a " dogger' to keep things down. Whenever there is a " rising," it is a sure sign that taxation is too light ; consequently taxation should be so accommodated to the habits, tastes, and feelings of the people, as to fit them at all points, like well-made harness. If they grow too enlightened we can double the window-tax; if they be disposed to kick, put on the breeching in the shape of an income-tax ; if they go too much by the head, we can raise the price of malt, and, by way of a martingale, put a duty on spirits ; if they jib, we can touch them on the raw with "the house duty;" if they step out too fast, tighten the " bearing rein" by 10 per cent, on the assessment; and should any attempt be made to bolt, we can secure them with a curb, by a tax on absentees. SUBTRACTION. 33 The perfection of taxation is to make it as much as possible like an insensible perspiration; or to cause it to subtract, like the vampire when lulling the victim to sleep, by fanning him with the wings of patriotism and the hum-hum of a liberal oration, on the principle of '* Bleeding made easy." ( FOKKIMC VP. c 3 34 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. EULE IV. MULTIPLICATION. 9x1 = 9. Multiplication teaches a short way of adding one number together any number of times. Its sign is a cat o'-nine- tails ; its symbol a whipping- post. Since the wonderful powers of the number nine have been publicly discussed, we have had no more shooting at her Majesty, (Heaven preserve her!) which shows the transcendant powers of arithmetical argument. The Egyptian plague of frogs and flies exemplifies this rule. In Modern Rome we have multiplication of fleas. In Modern Babylon we have multiplication of bugs, par- ticularly humbugs. In the West Indies we have MULTIPLICATION. 35 multiplication of musquitoes and piccaninies, and in the East, multiplication of oneself, as in the case of Abbas Mirza and his 1000 sons for a body guard. Multiplication of Laws. — This is a favourite amusement with our modern legislators. It naturally leads to the multiplication of lawyers, whose proper calling is to set people together by the ears, for the multiplication of dissensions. The original type of this order was the plague of locusts. Domestic Multiplication, or Multiplication of miseries. This rule is performed by taking unto oneself a wife for better or worse; then, multiplying as usual, and, at the end of fifteen or twenty years, having the young " olive branches" round about our tables. Multiplication of Money. — This is the most universal case in the whole rule. The multipliers are the operati'ces, who are placed at the bottom, instead of the top of the arithmetical scale. They may be ranged, in general, as in the following : — 36 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. A cotton spinner, S^d. a-day. Spitalfields weaver, 4Jd Brummagem, 5^d. These digits are to be worked from fourteen to sixteen hours a-day at the lowest possible fraction of pay. The product is to be set down in the 3| per cents, or invested in the first unjust war in which this nation may be engaged ; or the whole aggregate of sums may be multiplied by monopoly. DIVISION. 37 LAWYER DIVIDING THE OYSTER, RULE V. DIVISION. Do not think I write in jest, Though something in derision, Look east and west, and north and south, There's nothing but Division. 38 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. The State, with Whigs and Radicals, Is split up and divided. The Church, with hungry pluralists. Is getting quite lop-sided. A split is in the methodists. The jumpers and the shakers, A split is with the baptists too, A split is in the quakers. The Jews have split like gentile dogs. And some are trying daily To send Mahomet to the hogs. In spite of Mahommed Ali. The law is split, and fees are down To stop the rise of lawyers. And costs are cut, oh ! quite in half. Just like a log by sawyers. Dwide, divide, the Speaker cries. Each night with voice of thunder, But yet the law thus made '' so wise," Most likely is a blunder. Division teaches how to divide a number into two or more equal parts, as in the division of prize-money. DIVISION. 39 Division is of great importance, whether political, ecclesiastical, commercial, civil, or social. Nothing is more likely to destroy your opponents than a split. Divide et impera is the true Machiavelian policy of all governments. Numbers, that is the multitude, are to be divided, in a variety of ways, — by mob orators, or by mob-sneaks, or by parliamentary flounderers, or by mystifying pulpit demagogues. The divisors should generally endeavour to work into their own hands, and the dividends may be compared to fleeced-sheep, plucked-geese, scraped sugar -casks, drained wine -bottles, and squeezed lemons. Social Division. — The divisions here may be a tale-bearer, a gossip, or a go-between, and the divisors will " separate" to fight like Kilkenny cats, leaving nothing behind but two tails and a bit of flue. In a township, a volunteer corps is an excellent divisor: you may kill the adjutant by way of a quotient, on the surgical principle of " Mangling done here." In the division of property by will, be your own lawyer, and your property will be divided to 40 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. your heart's content ; for, as your heirs will most assuredly be divided amongst themselves, when they have done fighting over your coffin for what does not belong to them, they will call upon the Court of Chancery to divide it — principally among the lawyers, according to the Jecc non scrip ta. In the division of profits, first take off" the cream three times, and then divide the milk. THE LION'S SHARE. In all kinds of " Division of Money" endeavour to carry out the principle of the fable. Like the DIVISION. 41 lion when dividing the spoil, consider that you have a right to ihQ first part, because you are a lion; to the secoiid, because you are strong; to the third, because no one dares dispute your right ; and to the fourth, because no one is so able as yourself to defend it. This is the lion's share. Division of Time.—" Tempus fugit,'' and there- fore the due systematic and proper division of time, in a rational manner, is the bounden duty of every "beardling." All philosophers and some kings, whether from Democritus to Tim Bobbin, or from Alfred the Great to that merry old soul, " Old King Cole," have divided their time equitably, according to the maxim of Horace, " Carpe diem, quam rmnimum credula postero."" Modern life teaches and exhibits the same necessity for the rigid division of the " stuff life is made of," and the twenty-four hours may be systematically divided, with great advantage, by young men, as follows ; — 1. To yawning, vertigo, head-ache and soda-water, say from one to three, a.m 2 2. From pulling off the night-cap to putting the first leg out of bed 1 42 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. HOURS. 4. To " cat-lap," " broiled chickens," Lackadaisical Magazine, " Dry Punch," and Gazette of Fashion. . 2 J 5. To the study of "cash stalking," the art of post-obits, with lessons from Professor Mceshes on the science of •' Bondology.' ' (Nociurna versate manu, versate diurna) 1 6. To lounging, "dawdling," "muddling," sauntering, losing oneself in " ins and outs," " nowheres," &c. . 1§ 7. To dressing for dinner, to getting on a pair of boots, half an hour, swearing at coat quarter of an hour, selectingvestshalf an hour, cursing pantaloons quarter of an hour, shaving, and other unnecessaries ... 2^ 8. To dining, wineing, brighting the eye, doubling the cape, getting half seas over, going into port instead of finding a champaign country 2 9. To dressing for opera, " titavating," "bear's greasing," curling, barbarizing, scenting, putting on opera coun- tenance, and ogling 1 i 10. To tying on stock half an hour, to putting on gloves quarter of an hour, to curling whiskers half an hour, to laying on the rouge, &c \\ U. To bowing, scraping, hemming, hawing, yawning, toying, soft - sawdering, salooning, staggering, cigaring, coaching, and finishing 3^ 12. To no one knows what— Nisi caste saltem caut^. . . 5 24 LONG DIVISION. Long Division is so called when a long time is taken for the division of various sums, as in the case of the Deccan prize-money, or the Duke of York's debts. In these cases, various persons are DIVISION. 43 placed in the state of longing — hence the name of the rule, which is a figurative exemplification of *' hope deferred." Rule I — Teaches to work an expected legacy or an estate in reversion, or a right of entail, with a " post-obit bond," cent, per cent, on a stiff stamen. Rule II — Teaches how to wait for a living instead of working for one. This is a hungry- expectancy: yourself, in a consumption, with an interesting cough, preaching as curate to an admir- ing congregation principally composed of females, who bring jellies and jams, pitch-plasters, electua- ries, and piUs, "bosom friends," and other com- forters, while the jolly incumbent, with his rosy gills and round paunch, writes you once a quarter to dine with him, to see how well he holds it. Rule III. Chancery Long Division. — This is an exemplification of the " law's delay," and the rule is to be worked by giving the expectants the " benefit of a doubt," which is not quite so pleasant in Chancery as in criminal practice. The "Bidder" of this rule was John Lord Eldon. 44 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. Rule IV. — Beside long annuities, there are also long dividends. For instance, in the case of Bam- boozle, Humbug and Co. who lately declared the third and last dividend of three-fourths of a farthing in a pound, for the benefit of their creditors. THE IKSaLVENT TEAP. THE LAW BINDS, BUT THE LAW LOOSE REDUCTION. 45 RULE VI. REDUCTION. E EDUCTION is properly the " art of sinking.' It teaches us, according to Martin, to bring numbers to a lower name without altering their value. When numbers are brought to a higher name, it is called Reduction ascending^ when to a lower. Reduction descending. Reduction ascending is to stand high in your own estimation, from the convincing reason, that, as no one thinks anything of you, you ought to think something of yourself. The visit of the Queen to Edinburgh raised the baillies so high in their own estimation, that it took them three hours to get up in a morning. 46 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. Examples of Beduction ascending are to be found in the following cases: — When a noodle is made a lord; 2. When Timothy Fig obtains a baro- netcy ; 3. When Muggins keeps his " willa ; " and when a beggar gets on horseback. Reduction ascending for Females. — Mrs. General Swipes, Mrs. Colonel Trashee, Mrs. Major Minus, Mrs. Alderman Bumble, Mrs. Common- sergeant Sprigings, Mrs. Common-councilman Snig- ings, Mrs. Executioner Ketch, Mrs. Beadle Blow- em-up, Mrs. Corporal Casey. Reduction ascending is to be seen in the manu- facturing districts; when the body politic gets in- flated, a " rising of the lights," that is, of the illuminati, may be expected. In these risings the scum always gets uppermost, and some poli- tical demagogue is ejected to parliament by a revolutionary eruction — to be reduced to his own level as a leveller. Reduction descending. — " Facilis descensus averni, Sed revocare gradum, superasque evadere ad auras Hie labor, hoc opus est," RED17CTI0N. 47 This is the " old saw " Alderman Harmer used when he cut the city — or Lord John in his " finality " speech — cut his own fingers. POUTICAL REDUCTION. There have been many examples of Political Reduction both in our last and present ministry. The reduction of postage, so that it paid less than the cost, was an exceedingly business-like act. The reduction of cats'-meat in the storehouses at Plymouth, Woolwich, Portsmouth, and Chatham, from a penny to three farthings a-day, was also an example of legislative wisdom, and proved the maxim, "Sparus at the speketas letouat the bungholeas." The reduction of paupers'* food to " doubly diminutive and beautifully less " than that of the felon, is also " wisdom wonderful ; " being a new way of offering a premium upon crime, at about thirty and a third per cent. It is presumed to have occurred with a view to the assistance of Old Bailey practice, and of the Poor Law 48 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. Commissioners, as it promotes Coroners' inquests and saves coffins. Bute for the Reduction of Paupers. — Take " an operative," starve him in the streets till he becomes light enough to make a shuttlecock of, then place in his hands an order from an Edmonton magis- trate, by way of a feather ; bandy him about from parish to parish till you are tired of the game. Let him then fall into the lock-up of the station-house. Keep him sixteen hours in a cold cell without food. Bring him before the Board, put him on the refractory diet, water- gruel, poultice dumplings, and rat roastings. Keep him till he becomes so thin as to lose his shadow, then turn him into the streets to look for a job, with three yards of cord in his pocket, and a direction to the nearest lamp-post, as an intima- tion of what that job is to be. A state may be reduced in the same way by nip-cheese patriots. Such " save^alls," when they lop off excrescences, bark the trunk — when they prune redundances, let loose the sap. These "flint-skinners" grind down professions, pare down dignities, sweat sovereigns, purge the REDUCTION. 49 commonwealth, scour landlords, skin the army, starve the navy, scrape religion to the backbone, sell the honour of their country for a mess of porridge and its glory for a bag of moonshine ; till at last John Bull becomes as lean as a country whipping- post, and would hang himself, only he has not weight enough on him to produce strangulation. 50 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. BLOWED PUFFERY. KULE VII. PROPORTION. GENERAL PRINCIPLES OF THE RULE. Proportion is sometimes called the "Rule of Three," because a certain system of conventional- isms has its origin in that, which is called, by way PROPORTION. 51 of joke, the " Three Estates" of the realm — King, Lords, and Commons; in other words, a parliament, so called from its being the focus of palaver, in which originate those splendid specimens of col- lective wisdom, known by the name of Acts of Parliament — because they " won't act." The theoretic proportion is, that numbers should be exactly balanced, — that one sovereign should equal six hundred lords, that six hundred lords should equal six hundred and fifty-eight commoners, and that these should represent twenty-nine millions of people. Now, as the interests of each of these estates are said in theory to be opposed to each other, and as they are all theoretically supposed to pull three opposite ways with equal force, it must follow that legislation would be at a stand still, by the first law of mechanics, viz. that action and reaction are always equal : but to prevent such a catastrophe of stagnation, and to set in motion this beautiful machine, a pivot-spring, in the shape of a prime minister, or prime mover, is superadded, and a golden supply, fly, or budget wheel, is introduced, by which the following subordinate, yet ruling principles are developed; D 2 52 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. and thus we go on from age to age, making laws one day, and unmaking them the next, for the sake of variety. OUT OF PROPORTION. PROPORTION. 53 THE WORKING OF THE RULE. It must not be forgotten that this rule is one of proportionals, as its name imports. It therefore teaches proportion in all its relations, social and political ; it is the rule of our country, and seeks to develop that beautiful equality and justice, so conspicuous in all our institutions, exemplified in the following well-known legal and constitutional maxim, viz. "One man may steal a horse, but another must not look over the hedge." It is a maxim of English law, that punishment should be proportionate to the offence, and have a relation to the moral turpitude of the offender. Hence the seducer and adulterer only inquire, " What's the damage ? " By the same rule, it is held highly penal to sell the only ripe fruit in England, roasted apples ; and the stock in trade of the basket woman is confiscated. She, too, is 54 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. sent to the Counter — because she is not rich enough to keep one with a shop attached. CALLED TO ACCOUNT. This brings us to the rationale of reward, and shows us the policy of making a prison superior to a poor-house. This wise arrangement of the collective wisdom of the Rule of Three (the three estates) is upon the principle of counter-irritation^ that is, the best way to administer to the mise- rable is to inflict more misery, just as we put PROPORTION. 55 a blister on one part to subdue inflammation on another, or set up a mercurial disease to cure a liver complaint. On the other hand, we cure villany by increased rations of beef, bread, beer, and potatoes, in accordance with the maxim, that " the nearest way to a man's heart is through his stomach." On the same principle of "Proportion," the operative is to have for his share the pleasure of 56 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. doing the labour ; for if one man had the labour and the gains too, it would be abominable, and destructive to all the usages of society. It is also strictly proportional, that we should pay not only for what we have, but for that which we have not. Thus church-rates ought to be inflicted, not so much for the benefit of the church, but as the substitute for that wholesome discipline of flagellation, unhappily discontinued, and for the "good of the soul;" for if the spiritual benefit be great to those who pay for what they receive only, how great must be the reward of those who are content to pay for that which, they not only do not receive, but which they will not have at any price ! Hence, it is possible that even dissenters may he sauced — the trouble of spending their money in other ways. The " Tax upon Incomes" aifords also a striking example of the doctrine of Proportionals. It is so beautifully equalized, that the loss upon one branch of trade is not to be set off against the gain of another, the object of the act being, no doubt, to put a stop to trade altogether, as the best means of placing things statu quo, the grand desideratum of modern legislation. PROPORTION. 57 " Bear ye each other's burdens" is a sublime maxim. The principle of the lever is well brought to hear in the doctrine of proportionals — and shows how to shift the weight of taxation from the shoulders of the rich upon those of the poor — A SLIDING SCALE. The laws and regulations for the conduct of our civil polity and social condition being founded on these divine principles, it is assumed as a funda- mental maxim, that "great folks will be biggest," and he who has not learned that this is the ideal of D 3 58 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. true proportion, and who does not recognise it in his practical philosophy, will be compelled to knock his head against a wall to the day of his dissolution. FRACTIONS. 59 " BROKEN DOWN. EULE VIII. FRACTIONS. The word Fractions is from the Latin " Fractus," broken. A Fraction is therefore a part or broken piece. A broken head is a fraction; a broken heart is a fraction ; a bankrupt is a fraction — he is '60 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. broken up ; yet a horse is not a fraction, although he may be broken in — but his rider may have a FRACTIONAL SIGNS. broken neck, which is called an irreducible fraction. Speaking generally, therefore, a fraction may be considered as a " Tarnation Smashification." Fractions are of two kinds, Vulgar and Decimal Vulgar fractions are used for common purposes, and examples may be seen in the plebeian part of our commonalty, such as coal-heavers, coster- mongers, sheriff 's-officers, bailiffs, bagmen, cab- men, excisemen, lord-mayors, lady-mayoresses, carpet-knights and auctioneers. FRACTIONS. 61 Vulgar fractions may be known by the way in which they express themselves. They are more expressive than decimals; and the words, Go it, Jerry — Jim along Josey — What are you at? — What are you arter? — Variety — Don't you wish you may get it? — All round my hat — Over the left— All right, and no mistake — Flare up, my covies — I should think so — with those inexpressible expletives which add so much to the force and elegance of our language, may be taken as speci- mens of Fractions. Q2 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. BREAKING UP NO HOLIDAY, OR A lALE BY AUCTION, IN BLANK VERSE, By Dotjbledust Puffitoff, Esq. AN ANCIENT AND MODERN MUG. My Lords! Ladies and Gentlemen. Cognoscenti, virtuosi, literati, " Muffs," « mulls," and Flukins De Grati, F.R.S.'s. F.A.S.'s and A.S.S.'s, FRACTIONS. 63 Curiosities of curiosity, Cokletops and Old-bucks in variety, " Court scum," " nobs," beaks, and humdrum, And all that's rare and rum. Ad infinitum^ Book-worms, bibliophilists, and antiquarians, Soirarians, and Belle-Lettre-arians, Single men of fashion, De Horsa, De Calfa, De Goosa, De Donka, De la De Palma de ston a, Male Prima Donna. Toad-eaters, lickspittles and glozers, " Do nothings," "know nothings,'* and "dozers," " Tricksters," and "hucksters," and "snoozlers," Cozeners and bamboozlers, Fumblers and mumblers. Bunglers and stumblers, Pokers and jokers. Out and out " sticklers," And "very particulars;" Oglers, Bogglers, Apron danglers, And police " manglers," Bargain hunters — and grunters. 64 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. Bran-new saints made out of old sinners, And young beginners, Old bucks, Lame ducks ; " Curmudgeons," " flats," and " gudgeons," Come all that's fashionable, Femraes de Paradisiacal, Whimsical and lackadaisical, Languishing or sighing, Dreaming or dying. Harpies and beldames, dowagers and vidders, And be my bidders, " Black legs" and '* blue stockings," walk up, walk up. And see What you shall see, A perfect unique Display of art, and a Luscious Natura, As I before said when I set you all agog. In this here seven-and-sixpenny catalogue. FRACTIONS. (15 LOT I. Here, Ladies, and Gentlemen, is a lot. Being the earliest that must " go to pot." I do declare, 'Tis very rare. And mighty curious. And nothing spurious. Preserved from bye-gone ages. Embalmed in sacred pages. Of ancient poetry. Who'll bid, who'll buy ? Be not shy. Bid high. Behold — the identical cupboard. Of old Mother Hubbard ; The identical hat The little dog wore When nursing the cat ; The identical pipe The little dog smoked When she brought him the tripe; 66 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. The identical coffin That set the dog laughing. With these two are sorted, As " neat as imported." A brick of the corner Of little Jack Horner, Who eat of a Christmas pie ; He put in his thumb And he pulled out " a plum,'' As you must do if you buy. LOT n. The next most splendid, recherche and venerable. Spick and span old antique, ingenerable By modern authors or by modern art, A sui generis lot, not to be matched. By Lucifer himself not to be catched By an old song, as the last was — I speak poss. FRACTIONS. 67 First is an original, aboriginal. Primary, first hand, virgin copy. Mouldy, musty, cobwebby, and ropy. Of Dean Swift's « Maw wallop," With notes by Mrs. Trollope, 'NYliich wraps the whole up So decently, it takes the soul up To the third heaven of ecstasy ; To which is added, An Essay upon Jalap. Second, is the missal of old Nick, Riclily illuminated with flames ad flamina. Fresh from " Blazes ;" Its smell of brimstone is sublime ; 'Tis dedicated to the Ranters And the Canters Of Exeter Hall in the dog days. Cum multis aliis ad gammona. Who'll bid for this whole lot ? one thousand — two. Three, four, five, six, — say seven, and see what I will do. " Gone I " "Doctor Lardner, I've knocked it down to you. b 68 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. LOT III. Now come the gems divine, Each gem a shrine, Whence men may fish up. And after dish up, Without a Bishop, A heavenly worship ; And adore These relics before. FirsU is the vase de Barberino, The Helmet of Mambrino So renowned In all climes In which the cat was drowned; Don Quixote's spear, and shield, and armour. Lately worn by Alderman Harmer Against the "Times." Second, the sword of Jack the Giant Killer, Made o' th' siller Spent at the Ipswich election. Braving detection. FRACTIONS. 69 Third, is the wishing cap of Fortunatus, Worn by all young ladies in their teens, That when they're married they may have the reins. Fourth^ is the night cap of the Cock-lane ghost, When he fright'ned The enlight'ned Chartist host. Fifths is a stone out of the wall, Of Pyramus and Thisbe, And a charmed echo of Nick Bottom's roar, Or louder snore Of Mr. Muntz, when he thinks Lord John a bore. Hixthi one of the seven- leagued boots, in which is Made the interminable of Cobden's speeches, Loose as the old coal-heaver Huntington's Heaven-born breeches. SeTenth, the bottle of the bottle-conjurer, Into which Lord Mounteagle, to please himself. Can squeeze himself, When in some plan of plunder or of pelf He wants to ease himself Eighthi is the toe nail of the Dragon of Wantley, Which Berkeley Grantley Used as a sort of scarifying razor Upon a Fraser. I 70 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. Ninths is the dish of Corn Law furmitory, Into which Tom Thumb (Lord John) did jump when he Let in another Ministry. Tenth, a child's caul, a certain preservation From drowning, useful to the nation. In this great age of tea-to-tality. And used by Mr. Buckingham As an hydraulic ram. To keep him dry. When round the world to go he late did try. EleTenth, is a bottle of pigeon's milk. Soft as silk. Which Boreing to the "Factory" deputation sent. By way of reparation For the depredation Of sessions of misgovernment. Twelfth, is the story of a cock and bull. Edited by queer Joseph, and oft related to the house When full. Thirteenth^ the eyelid of Homer, and the eye Identical and very certain. Of Betty Martin. FRACTIONS. 71 And, lastly, now to end this, Billy Martin, Peter Parley, Prattle, Are three blue beans in a blown bladder. Rattle, bladder, rattle. KNOCKING DOWN THE LOT. 72 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. DONE BY INTEREST. RULE IX. INTEREST, &c. To think of getting on in this world without Interest, is ridiculous. Place and Promotion are not for Fitness or Worthiness, but to serve par- ticular Interests, private or public; and yet a INTEREST, DISCOUNT, ETC. 73 number of very simple persons, who have as large a green streak in them as a sage cheese, without its sagenessy are continually wondering that virtue and talent do not get all the " good things " of a vicious conununity. Punch forbid ! Is not virtue declared to be its ovm reward ? and as to talent, — let a man be content with that It is a positive f)f monopoly to covet wit and money too. AT A PREMIUM AND DISCOUNT. To take care of our Interest is the great law of Nature, and is universally followed. Every one for himself, and Fate for us all, as the donkey said when he danced among the chickens, is as pro- found a maxim as the gnothi seauton of Plato. 74 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. " Take care of yourself" is of more importance than " Know thyself." To take care of oneself is a science which comes home to every man's busi- ness and bosom. It is " wisdom" identified with our personal character. It is philosophy turned to account. It is morality above par. It is a religion in which " every man may be his own parson," find his Bible in his ledger, his Creed in the " stock-list," his Psalter in the tariff, his Book of Common Prayer in the railway and canal shares, his Temple in the Royal Exchange, his Altar in his counter, and his God in his money. THE OLD AND NEW PRINCIPLE — BOTH WITH CREDIT. INTEREST, DISCOUNT, ETC. 75 Principle, or Principal, is an old term used by our forefathers in " money matters " and commer- cial transactions, but is now obsolete. It formerly represented capital, and raised the British mer- chant in the scale of nations ; but it is now a maxim of trade to discard Principle as not being consistent with Interest. It is paradoxically Capital to take care of our Interest, but it seldom requires any Principle to do so. " The want of money is the root of all eviL" Such is the new reading, according to the translation of a new sect called the Ti7iites. In the orthodox translation, the love of money was unfortunately rendered. To be without money is worse than being without brains — for this reason we should oppose all dangerous innovations, which in any way have a tendency to disturb the "balance of Capital." Right is not to usurp might. We are not, for the sake of Quixotic experiment, to invade the interests of the landed proprietor by an Anti-Corn Law movement, nor the vested right of doing wrong, which the various close corporations of law, physic, and trade, &c. have so long maintained, making England the envy of the world and the glory of surrounding nations. E 2 76 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. Interest, therefore, teaches us to interest ourselves for our own interests, and to keep them continually THE TIN-DER PASSION. in view in all our transactions. When a man loses sight of his own interests he is morally blind ; he must, therefore, according to this rule, walk with his eyes open, and be wide awake to every move — keep the weather-eye open, and not have one eye up the chimney and the other in INTEREST, DISCOUNT, ETC. 77 the pot, but both stedfastly fixed on the main chance. Interest teaches us also to swear to anything and admit nothing; to prove, by the devil's rhetoric, that black is white and white black; to tamper, to shuffle, to misrepresent, to falsify, to scheme, to undervalue, to entangle, to evade, to delay, to humbug, and to cheat in virtue of the monied interest. FAITH AND DUTY. In the days of our forefathers, we had a most excellent compendium of Faith and Duty, called 78 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. the " Church Catechism," which taught us not only to "fear God and honour the King," but to be '' true and just in all our dealings." The " fast and loose," " free and easy" system of " liberality," shuts the Creed and the Catechism out of half our schools ; and worldliness teaches in its place the creed of Mammon. Instead of being taught to worship God, we are taught to worship money. Instead of honouring the Queen, we are told to bow down to the '^golden image''' which trade has set up; we no longer consult our conscience, but our pocket ; for principle we read interest — for piety, pelf. In illustration of this, the following " cut and dry" "'Change Catechism," which fell from the pocket of a Latitudinarian bill-broker, is sub- joined, as affording the best examples of the Rule of Interest, QUESTION AND ANSWER. Q. My good child, tell me what you believe in ? A. Money. Q. What is money ? A. The all-ruling and all-powerful ; the foun- tain of worldly wisdom and power. INTEREST, DISCOUNT, ETC. 79 Q. How is it worshipped ? A. By the daily sacrifice of time, talents, health, and virtue. Q. What is this worship called ? A. Mammon. Q. What is its chief rite ? A. Gammon. Q. What is the chief ceremony ? A. Deceit. Q. What are its principal festivals ? A. Dividend-days. Q. What are its days of penance or fasting ? A. Days when no business is done. Q. What are its feast-days ? A. City "Feeds." Q. Where are its principal temples? A. The Treasury, the 'Change, and the Banh Q. Who are its priests ? A. Whitewashed " black-legs." * * Notwithstanding the "pretty considerable declension" of mercantile integrity, the character of the British merchant, both at home and abroad, still maintains its ascendency, and there are yet thousands of ** merchant princes " who fully sustain the honour and glory of our native land. This satire is launched against the *' cutting" commercials of the age. 80 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. Q. What is virtue ? A* A name. Q. What is Orthodoxy ? A. Cash. Q. What is Heterodoxy ? A. BiUs. Q. What is Heresy ? A. "No effects." Q. What is Schism ? A. "Call again to-morrow." Q. What is Kespectability ? A Plenty of trade. Q. What is Koguery ? A. Being in debt. Q. What is Vice? A. Misfortune. Q. What is the greatest sin ? A. Poverty. Q. W hat is the principal virtue ? A. Prompt payment. Q. What are the principal blessings ? A. Loans. Q. What should be our continual desire ? A. Good luck. INTEREST, DISCOUNT, ETC. 81 Q. For what our rejoicings ? A. Success. Q. What is Morality ? A. Cent, per cent, profits. Q. What is the Origin of evil ? A. A returned bill. Q. What is the greatest evil ? A. Bankruptcy. Q. What is our chance of escape from per- dition? A. " Taking the benefit." Q. What is the Devil ? A. To be without money. Q. Who are the chosen children of Mammon A. Those born with a " silver spoon." Q. What is the true definition of good ? A. Solvency. Q. What is the true definition of bad ? A. Insolvency. Q. What is your duty to your friend ? A. To cheat him, Q. What to the stranger ? A. To " take him in." Q. What is Experimental Philosophy ? A. Going a borrowing. E 3 82 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. Q. What is practical philosophy ? A. Being refused. Q. What should be your chief consolation in old age ? A. Dying rich. Q. What is the chief maxim of this creed ? A. Doing every one, but suffering no one to do you. BILLS. 83 RULE X. BILLS. When goods are bought or work is done, a bill is to be made out and delivered. In some cases the bill may be made out before the work is done, 84 FIGURES FOK THE MILLION. and work charged in prospective ; and therefore the making out of bills is an art and mystery known only to the professional man or the tradesman. It comprehends the mystery of mystification, and impudence and assurance are its two first rules. The milkman is not only allowed by parliament to water his milk, but to cut a notch in his chalk and mark double. The baker thinks it legitimate, and part of his vested rights, to put in " dead uns ;" the butcher to " hang on Jemmy ;" but the birds noted for the longest bills are the carpenter woodpecker. (who undertakes to take you under) the gallipot BILLS. 85 crane, the red-tape snipe, and the heron. The bills of each of these bipeds are as long as from this to the paying of the National Debt, and as unfathomable as the Bay of Biscay — or the lowest pit of L FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. AM INTERESTED. Dear Sir, my faith in you is great, Your honour long I've tested ; You are my customer, good Sir, And I am interested. BILLS. 87 To give you credit is my joy, A joy sincerely breasted, For twelve months, ay, for any date; You see I'm interested. And may you thrive, and in due time Retire in comfort nested ; This is my fervent prayer, my friend. For I am interested. And may you have a plum or two. In stock well sunk and vested, To leave your worthy family — I What, "rather queer I" this fellow now Must quickly be molested ; Write to him, Priggings, for you know That I am interested. Well, take his bill. Three months — no two ; Let it be well attested ; Now is the time to turn the screw. For I am interested. 88 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. What, " no effects ! " give him, no time, But get the bill protested ; Such rascals must be quickly met, When we are interested. No cash ! — well, write to Sniggs at once. And let him be arrested ; To Banco Regis let him go. For I am inter ested» DECIMALS. 89 A DECIMAL FiGUllE. RULE XL DECIMALS. Decimal Fractions are so called because the fractions are always tenths. They differ from 90 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. Vulgar Fractions in this, that the denominator is not written, but a point before it is used instead. A STRONG TITH Decimals are best illustrated by tithes, which are general and universal tenths extracted in every part of " merry England." They are added, sub- tracted, multiplied, and divided like any other numbers, but to designate their value ^ point is prefixed. In tithes, as in decimals, the denominator does not appear ; that is to say, the incumbent rarely lives at his incumbency. When tithes are to be added, taken, or subtracted, the tiihodecimo point DECIMALS. 91 is used as his representative, namely, the point of THE BAYONET. To make a point of " doing good by stealth" is a national virtue ; and among all other "points" in this uncertain world, the "point blank" is the most certain. This may be made with a rijie. 92 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. when the pockets are to be rifled, either with or without a bayonet at the end of it. The charge for spiritual care is best settled by a charge of dragoons ; and a discharge of clerical arrears by a discharge of flre-arms>* TO REDUCE MONEY WEIGHTS AND MEASURES TO DECIMALS, Take a tithe-owner, a collector, a proctor's warrant, and a constable, and go in a body to the house of a Quaker, or the mud hovel of an Irish Catholic. Enter the house by means of a crow-bar. Take pigs, poultry, pots, pans, sticks, or rattletraps. Obtain an appraiser, call in a broker, and dimde the spoil by means of any number of vulgar fractions, called purchasers. Take the dividend, called plunder, and " pocket." * Whatever may be said of the mode of collecting tithes, nothing can be said against the "right of tithe." The clergy are the greatest sufferers, and no consummation is more devoutly to be wished than an equitable adjustment. As things are at present, the clergy do not get half their dues, and these are obtained in a manner well calculated to keep up the idea of a certain person shearing the hogs, "great cry and little wool." DECIMALS. 93 TO BRING DECIMALS TO THEIR PROPER VALUE IN WHOLE NUMBERS. The proper value of a decimal is only to be ascer- tained by his points of character, and they are to be found of full value in many parts of the king- dom, in the shape of worthy curates, and honest rectors and vicars, dimding not their flocks, or the produce of their flocks, but their own time, meaiiSi and moneys in the conscientious discharge of their clerical duties. 94 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. RULE XII. PRACTICE. The Rule of Practice is indispensable in all our operations. It is in some degree the " ultimatum" of the preceding rules, for as the proverb says, "Practice makes perfect." Nature is said to have begun the creation of " living infinities" by this rule, for in the words of the poet, " She tried her 'prentice hand on man. And then she made the lasses o." — Burns. Practice is thus divided into two kinds — the first called Practice Preliminary ; the second is denominated Practice in General PRACTICE. 95 Practice Preliminary is experimental philo- sophy, or asking discount for a bill at 18 months; Practice in General taking in the flats. The one resolves itself into '^trying it on,^^ the other to " clapping it onP " Trying it on'** is an universal principle, from the old Jew salesman who asks four pounds for a thread-bare coat and takes four shillings; or the old cabbage woman who offers 31bs. of " taters" for two pence and sells 71bs. for three farthings ; to the prime minister who asks three millions of taxes, and expects fine. The converse of this rule is, " Don't you wish you may get it." Practice is performed by taking "aliquot parts; " to be a man of some " parts" is therefore neces- sary. The application of our "parts" to the science of L.S.D. with a view to their develop- ment and perfection, is the aim of the rule, and the " practice of Practice" is to show, That the value of a thing Is just the money it will bring; For money being the common scale Of things by measure, weight and rate. In all affairs of Church and State, FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. And both the balance and the weight, The only force, the only power, That all mankind fall down before, Which like the iron sword of kings. Is the best reason of all things ; The Rule of Practice then would show, The principles on which men " grow." What makes all doctrines plain and clear? A few odd hundreds once a year. And that which was proved true before, Prove false again? — Some hundreds more. HUDIBRAS. PRACTICE. 97 PRACTISING AT EXETER HALL. HULLA, BOYS, HULLA. GRAND CHORUS. HuLLA boys, HuUa boys, Let the " belles " ring ; Hulla boys, Hulla boys, So the Whigs sing. The Council of State In their heads have a crotchet, In spite of lawn sleeves. In spite of the rochet ; 98 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION, To put for a salvo The nation in tune. By keeping them singing From July till June. And who can sweet music A moment despise ? For singing is better. Far better than sighs. To reconcile Chartists To duties on corn, We'll give them a flourish Or two on the horn. To strike all the grumblers In factories mute, We'll give them a solo Each day on \he, flute. Should the multitude ask. By petition, a boon, We'll grant them reply Through our " Budget " bassoon. PRACTICE. 99 And when they shall sicken, And when they shall fret, We'll soothe them like lambs. With our State clarionet. Should they from their chains Endeavour to wriggle,* We'll keep them in bonds By a waltz on the Jiddle. They shall not despair, Nor hang, drown, or strangle. We Whigs will strike up Our tinkling triangle. And should this not do, In arms should they come, We'll frighten them soon By a roll of the drum ! Practising for the Army. — As shooting and slaying are the legitimate objects of this profession, * I can't make wriggle rhyme to fiddle. I have sent it to the prince of wrigglers, Lord B , and to the prince of fiddlers, Mr. P — , but they refer me to Mr. Wordsworth — T. W. F 2 100 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. you cannot begin too early. The first instrument to be used is a peashooter; this is for the age P.C. previous to corderoys. The second is a pop- gun, indicating the age of breeches (and breaches). From this we arise to "sparrow-shooting," after the ruse de guerre of the salt-box has been tried without effect. Being now grown bloody-minded, we go to that [sanguiniferous-looking house at Battersea, called the Red House, (being of a blood colour, from the enormous slaughter com- mitted near it,) and here we take lessons in pigeon- shooting. From hence to the Shooting Gallery, Pall Mall, we improve rapidly. A lieutenancy in the Guards is our next step. To this succeeds a dispute repecting the glottis of Mademoiselle Catasquallee, and " Chalk-Farm " or " Wimbledon Common " is the result ; and here, unless courage should ooze out of our fingers' ends, we may stop ; our courage is apparent, and for the future we may shoot with the " long-bow " to all eternity without fear of contradiction. Practising for the Profession. — "Cutting up" and " Cut and come again," are the maxims of the surgeon ; and as no trade or profession can live PRACTICE. 101 except by the adoption of the ''cutting system," and if a man cannot cut a figure, he will assuredly be cut by his acquaintance, surely the art should be tho- rouglily studied. As a preliminary step, Burking and body-snatching must be mastered; and then you may go snacks in a " subject," and take your " loin of pauper," "leg of pauper," or "shoulder of beggar," or "rump of beggar," or "sirloin of alderman," or " fore-quarter of citizen," or " hand and spring" of beadle or bellman. Or should your taste be fastidious, you may take a "fillet of cherrybum ;" or club for a " sucking-kid." On these practise till you are perfect ; and should it so happen that any of the personages above-named should turn out to be related by consanguinity, be as stoical as a reviewer, and make no bones of cutting-up (if necessary for science) your own father. Practising for the Ministry. — The aspirant for the " tub," " bom in a garret, in a kitchen bred," commences his spiritual career by announcing to the elect that he is almost sure that he has had a call (caul), for he has heard his mother say he was born with one. He may next exhibit 102 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. his buffetings with Satan by showing the marks of the beast, in the shape of double-dealing, petti- fogging, shuffling, cutting and cheating ; he may next venture on the new birth. He now attempts open-air preaching on Ken- nington Common, and exhibits spiritual rabidity in good earnest. He foams at the mouth, barks and bites, and yells in his ravings ; calls himself from a pig to a dog, and from a dog to no gen- tleman. What is he ? ^' A bundle of filthy rags," " a whited sepulchre," '^ a cancerous sore," a " sink PRACTICE. 103 of pollution,*' " a mass of corruption," " a cesspool," " a common sewer,*' " a worm," " a scorpion," " a snake," " a spider," " an adder." He may also charge himself with murder, abomination, witch- craft, lying, and every vice denounced in the Decalogue, on the principle of " the greater the sinner the greater the saint." Having thus initiated himself into the spiritual fraternity, he may write a work to prove that the " Church damns more souls than she saves."* He then mounts the rostrum as a burning and a shining light He deals in brimstone, wholesale, retail, and for exportation. Now he unites his spiritual with secular power, and mixes parliamen- tary logic with divinity, electioneering squibs with " Hymns of the Chosen ;" makes Lucifer cuckold, and swears himself his true liege man on the cross-buttock of a radical candidate. He now receives the degree of D.D. from a Scotch uni- versity, for 1L 13& 6r '-^" »o en 'tJ M !:: nd SiH . a;) o ^ .2 o "^ (V S ^ ■T3 ^£3 QJ f4 ^ '-C O p b W) o 03 •p 1 I .^ o y3 ^ X! C 1 ^ i) 1 C/3 1 •t:J >» QJ cs 1 § ^ S3 fee s 1 a3 a, X 3 1 C3 c3 1 o 1 o CI a, o M o 1 en CO 1 a o o 1 IS .6^ 1 '-S 03 c2 1 o a. CO .2 1 .5 .«2 t 1 1 "3 1 1 CO 13 s ^ § >-> h fl ^ ^ OJ i^ t3 'a3 1/ o C K a; .^ rs ^ d a iS 1 S 1 c3 ^ s ''% 13 1 o a. eg c3 s O o o v» 6 Q P C5 •Q ^ 2 o o O o o o H H H H H H T3 1 BOOK-KEEPING AND ACCOUNTS. 137 o o o o o o o o o o 8 S8 8 88 O O ^o O »o »o CO r-^ C^r r-T ^ o o o o o o t-^ CO •J a o 2 ^ CO C ♦^ f -2 2 :§ -I ^ ^^ '§^ - 03 •I > 1-1 03 ;h f* 03 •:5 a o ^ o c: c2 2 W .2 tH O ^ o 138 FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. •TSO o BOOK-KEEPING AND ACCOUNTS. 139 o o o o o o o c g o^ CO '-' ^ i 3 s U a> -^1 r> CO 2 .=2 ^" fl oj O ^'^ I eg S ^ p a a ^-^ to i =^