- PUNCH OFFICE 
 
 IO,B0UVEfilE STREET 
 
 LONDON 
 EjC.
 
 > 
 
 ^ 
 
 "ACRliS '
 
 *) 
 
 OUR BATTALION.
 
 BradbuiTt Agnew fit Co., Ltd., 
 
 Printers, 
 
 London and Tonbridge.
 
 
 
 
 fui'i'-r-'.' I. •■• 
 
 ^s*=-.~ . «jt>w*((nMofc.-j»eB:i. la- 
 
 3 a.m. 
 
 Sentry : " Sunrises are all bloomin' fine in their way, but I'd rather be in 
 bed."
 
 ©ur Battalion 
 
 Being some slight impressions of 
 
 His Majesty's Auxiliary Forces, 
 
 in Camp and Elsewhere. 
 
 BY 
 
 L. RAVEN=HILL. 
 
 An' you'rct^ent to penny-fights an' Aldershot it." 
 
 RUDYARD KIPLINQ. 
 
 LONDON : 
 "PUNCH" OFFICE, 10, BOUVERIE ST., E.C. 
 
 1902. 
 
 [All Rights Reserved. J
 
 Contents. 5g $? 
 
 PAGE 
 
 Recruits ..---------g 
 
 On Instructin' --------- 14 
 
 The System - - 19 
 
 On the G.O.C. 28 
 
 The Seven Ages of the Volunteer 32 
 
 What Might Happen -------- 34 
 
 The Lost Patrol --------- 47 
 
 Camp Diaries : 
 
 No. I. Lt.-Col. Sir Digby Sandilands, M.P. - - 59 
 
 No. 2. Capt. and Adjt. "Jerry" Benson - - - 66 
 
 No. 3. 2nd Lieutenant Fitzgerald Lawless - 78 
 
 No. 4. Pte. Timothy Simmons 93 
 
 Blank Cartridges - - 102
 
 SRLF 
 UBi. 
 
 Illustrations. 
 
 AO At> ao 
 
 •e ^9 ^p 
 
 PAGE 
 
 3a. m. - - - - - - - - Frontispiece. 
 
 The " Manual " 13 
 
 Not to be Trifled with 17 
 
 Flag-wagging - 18 
 
 Our First Puttie Parade 24-25 
 
 Field Training ..-.-...- 27 
 
 The Firing Exercise ........ -^^ 
 
 Our Review --------- 40-41 
 
 Army Orders " - 43 
 
 Patrols 46 
 
 A Fair Samaritan - 51 
 
 Our N.C.O.'s (No. i) 52 
 
 Our N.C.O.'s (No. 2) 53 
 
 Hints for Patrols 54 
 
 The Best Laid Schemes, etc. 56-57 
 
 A Conundrum ----.-.-. 5^ 
 
 Studies ----------- 70 
 
 Ambushed 72-73 
 
 Field-Day Reflections 75 
 
 Tactics 76 
 
 Field-Day Tragedies -------- 77 
 
 Philosophies ---------- 85 
 
 M.G. ------- - - - 86 
 
 More Army Reforms - - 88-89 
 
 On Guard 91 
 
 A Misunderstanding 92 
 
 Outposts lOI 
 
 At Last ! 104-105 
 
 Off Duty 108 
 
 Trouble in the Band 109 
 
 7
 
 Our 5^ttalion. 
 
 RECRUITS. 
 
 THE boy hesitated as he looked down the wet street of the little 
 country town. 
 
 " I've 'arf a mind not to go," he said, " blessed if I ain't ; " 
 
 then, after a pause, with hands in pockets and coat collar turned up, he 
 lounged oft', muttering, " I'll see what Bill ses." 
 
 Bill was waiting at the corner, looking somewhat sheepishly at the 
 miscellaneous display in a "general " shop window. 
 
 " Goin' ? " he said, as the other came up. " Don't think I shall — at 
 any rate not to-night." 
 
 A depressing silence ensued, until a smart lad, with belt and bayonet, 
 came by whistling and hailed them. 
 
 " Wot O ! Bill ; you ought to be down at the ord'lv room bv now, the 
 sergeant's bin there ever so long. I told 'im I'd bring you two along to- 
 night. Wot are you scared about ?" he continued, eyeing them critically.
 
 Our 5<attalion. 
 
 " Ain't scared about nothing ; we was only waiting till the rain 
 cleared oft." 
 
 " Well, 'urry up, I've got to go to the Arm'ry." 
 
 " All right," said the first boy. " Come on, Bill." 
 
 The boys stared furtivelv round the orderlv-room, a little box par- 
 titioned oft' from the disused malt-house that served as drill shed. On 
 the walls were highly-coloured posters, setting forth the various advan- 
 tages of his Majesty's services, while in the corner a jumble of arms 
 and equipment and a half-opened case of rifles caused them to nudge 
 each other. A huge Sergeant was writing at a table covered with Armv 
 forms, drill books, and parade registers, amongst which a couple of 
 cartridges attracted their attention. 
 
 " Ball cartridge, mark four," whispered the leading lad carelessly to 
 the others. 
 
 " Ullo, what's this?" said the Sergeant. "Recruits? That's right. 
 Shut the door be'ind you, an' keep out the cold. I'm glad to see the 
 lads about here is waking up, an' I wish more 'ud copy their e.xample ! 
 Them cripples in the next village ain't got enough spirit to get up a 
 dog-fight, let alone learn 'ow to 'andle a rifle ; all they're fit for is 
 funerals. Now let's look at you," he continued, and the deep-set grey 
 eyes ran swiftly over the lads. " You'll do all right. Now, listen to me ; 
 afore ye signs on, I've got to read over a lot o' reg'lashuns to ye, so as 
 you'll clearly understand what ye're promisin' to do. Now reg'lashuns 
 is like Acts of Parlyment, no two persons can agree as to what thev 
 mean, so you won't understand them, probably ; but that's not important, 
 as my experience of the wavs o' Gov'mint teaches me that they'll be 
 altered shortly, so there's no need for ve to worrv. But the one thing ye 
 have to do is, to do as ye're told ; attend to that now. It's the blessid 
 privilege of the volunteer to endeavour to make himself a soldier in spite 
 of all obstacles, an' what the reg'lar takes months to learn, an' the militia 
 weeks, 'e 'as to try and do in days, so 'tis no picnic if 'e's goin' to do 'is 
 duty. An' dut\- don't mean church parades, an' the annual dinner, an" 
 
 lo
 
 Our 5^ttdlion. 
 
 as little else as you can ; duty means everything you can possibly do, 
 an' it's the pride of a good lad, that if there's an extry job o' work to 
 be done, ^'s the lad that'll do it ; for there's none better than a keen 
 
 I IM V 
 
 Volunteer, an' no one worse than a slack one, that'll turn up smart when 
 the drinks is free, but is most unduly anxious about 'is master's business 
 on other occasions, a nuisince to 'is sergeant, 'is captin', 'is colonel, an' 
 'is country ; an' if I thought you were that sort I'd send ve to the right- 
 
 1 1
 
 Our I^dttdlion. 
 
 about now, but I tliink, by yer looks, ye bave tbe makin<Tjs o' soldiers. 
 Now, if tbere's anvthint^; ve want to know, now's tbe time to ask. What's 
 tbat ? Ye don't know if ye're up to standard ? Fancy a lad 'avin' 
 the face to ask me tbat ! Why, when I was a boy, with a couple o' corks 
 in me heels, an' a wisp o' straw under me waistcut, I'd a' passed for a 
 giant. When you've learnt to throw a chest and hold yer heads up, yer 
 own mothers won't know \er. Now, after I've read over these 'ere 
 reg'lasbuns, ve'll sign these papers, an' when the doctor's passed you, go 
 an' tell yer best girls that ve'll 'ave yer futtygraphs took d'rectly yer 
 uniforms is ready. You will p'rade at seven o'clock, sharp, mind ye, nex' 
 Monday." * # ♦ 
 
 " Recruitin's a funnv business ! " muttered the Sergeant ; officially 
 Colour-Sergeant Instructor of E Company ist Dovvnshire Volunteer Rifles, 
 a Battalion scattered over half a county, unofficially "Tiny," for the most 
 obvious reasons. " 'Tis a funny business, at least in these parts ; p'raps it's 
 different in London and them 'ere big towns, but if we told 'em all we was 
 supposed to tell 'em, as it's laid down, 'twould frighten 'arf of 'em off the job ; 
 while if yer tell 'em in their own way, yer can get 'em to do anything. 'I hey 
 say ye must lead a Volunteer, not drive 'im, but 'pon me soul I think a 
 judicious push is what 'e wants mostly."
 
 The "Manual." 
 
 Instructor: '"Now the hobject cf these 'ere hexercises is to haccustom the recruit 
 to 'is rifle so as 'e can 'andle it in a light an' heasy manner, same as I do 
 ^ this 'ere cane."
 
 r7 v(Cv(ft r 
 
 L 
 
 (^ 
 
 r 
 
 ^^^ ^ — ^t^f^ 
 
 
 '^(^^1 
 
 n t"^/ 
 
 
 ^ 
 
 /'/^/i 
 
 T 
 
 ON INSTRUCTIN'. 
 
 IX Y" was in a shocking temper. 
 
 " No one thinks 'igher of the X'oluntecrs than I do," he said 
 to the Junior Subahern. " But now an' then they gives me the 
 fair 'ump. Look at this 'ere las' business. F"ust of all they 'olds out 
 as they ought to be considered part of the country's forces, instead of 
 being shoved out of the way, so to speak. Quite right. Bimebv along 
 comes a reg'lashun as they don't like. Wot do they do then ? Take it 
 quiet like the harmy does, an' do the best they can ? No, thev writes 
 to the papers and gets up in the 'Ouse and kicks up a row till it's 
 knocked oft". A reg'lashun ha'uit a reg'lashun when it applies to 
 Volunteers. If that's their notion o' discipline, no wonder the reg'lars 
 looks down on 'em. What if it did send their numbers down a bit; 
 the rest 'ud be all the better for it : some good men would 'ave to go, 
 but you take it from me, Sir, the best of 'em would manage to staj-. 
 It a lad ain't fond enough of it to give up enough time to make a 
 
 14
 
 Our 5^ttalion. 
 
 soldier of 'isself, 'e oughtn't to join, an' if there ain't enough of 'em 
 who do it, the sooner they're made to the better ; there's plenty as can 
 find time enough for football or anything o' that sort, but duty don't 
 suit them. ' It's a free country,' ses they. It is. Sir. It's a good 
 deal too free in more ways than one. 
 
 " Not but what you wants tact, Sir, in dealin' with Volunteers. For 
 instance, you comes down to drill the recruits, an' instead of a crowd 
 of intelligent lads, all anxious for to learn the rudiments o' squad drill, 
 you find a lonelv and depressed lookin' lad, that would 'ave recollected 
 an engagement connected with a drink in about two minutes. Now, what 
 are you to do ? You can't call it a drill, and it'll take the heart out 
 of 'im if you send 'im off. An' mind you, often it's none so easy in a 
 country Battalion, with one company 'ere an' another there, an' a 
 detachment in the nex' village, for the best of lads to put his drills in. 
 There aint no drill 'alls with canteen attachments, and sergeants' 
 mess, an' readin' rooms, so as a chap can pass a pleasant evening any 
 time 'e likes ; that's doin' it in style. Sir. But what are you goin' 
 to do ? ' Fall in,' ses you, ' an' dress by the right. Stop that talkin' 
 in the ranks,' ses vou. ' I'm glad to see there's one recruit at least 
 as is fond of 'is duty, tho' 'e'd look better,' ses you, ' if 'e'd 'old 'is 
 'ead up. Now actin',' ses you, ' as a rear rank, the front rank not 
 being in their places, and 'aving been numbered off from the right 
 which you 'aven't, and supposin' the first two men is elsewhere, what 
 would you do on the command " Form fours ? " It's not a guessin' 
 competition,' ses vou. ' Don't know,' ses 'e. ' Well, you'll learn in 
 time,' ses you. ' \Ve will now proceed to something which is not 
 laid down in the drill book, an' on which the Reg'lashuns,' ses vou, 
 ' is discreetly silent. Whenever vou 'appen to be on sentry go an' the 
 'armless passer by that 'as been celebratin' 'is birthday won't listen to 
 yer words o' wisdom, but wants to 'ug you round the neck, don't bring 
 ver bavnit down to the charge, or any foolishness of that sort, although 
 you've bin expressly told to do it, but gently but firmly drop the butt on 
 
 15
 
 Our 5<3ttdlion. 
 
 'is toes, an' you'll experience all the delij^ht o' luirtin' a tellow creature, 
 without,' ses you, ' any unpleasantness at the inquiry afterwards. 
 Right turn. Dismiss," ses you. ' Return the arms to the racks quietlv 
 an' without noise, an' tell the rest of the squad when vou see 'em that 
 vou know a bit more than thev do.'" 
 
 // 
 
 i6
 
 
 Not to be trifled with. 
 
 Sentry : '' 'Alt ! who goes there ? " 
 
 Private : " Whoy, Jarge ! Don't "ee know I ? " 
 
 Sentry : " 'Corse I do ; but where be goin' ? '
 
 '^-:K»f fiV 
 
 ir,, fv 
 
 
 rr^ 
 
 v 
 
 ^ 
 
 \^ 
 
 Flag=wagging. 
 
 Newly-enlisted Yeoman: " Somebody - tell those silly — idiots — to stop — frightenin'- 
 
 my— horse !"
 
 THE SYSTEM. 
 
 I 
 
 DON'T know whether you've observed it or not, Sir," said "Tiny" 
 to the Junior Subaltern, "but in this great an' glorious country 
 no one ever starts on a job without providing 'imself with some- 
 thing to throw the blame on in case 'e loses the trick. Sometimes they 
 blame procedure an' sometimes the Constitution ; in our case 'tis the 
 System. What that svstem is no one even pretends to know. In one 
 respect it's like the Reg'lashuns ; everybody starts oft" in the same way 
 when discussing of 'em. You never yet met anyone that didn't preface 
 'is remarks on the subject with ' As far as I can understand,' an' that's 
 about as far as 'e can. 
 
 " The ord'nary man that runs a bank, or a railway, or a hire-purchase 
 pianner works, would think to 'isself, ' 'Ere's the old country, bless 
 'er, an 'ere's the boys to defend 'er. Now, if the brutil an' licentious 
 
 19
 
 Our 5^ttdlion. 
 
 foe is dumped down on these 'ere shores, 'e won't j^^o c'lectin' seaweed, 
 neither will 'e pause for to admire the landscape, hut, d'rectly the 
 pistol's fired, 'e'U t^et oil the mark, an' make a bee line for the winning 
 post. Now the question is, can these boys stop 'im or can they not ? 
 If they can, they must be got ready for the job, an' if they can't, we 
 ain't running a Charity Bazaar, and I ain't going to pay anything for 
 what's worth nothing, so we'll 'ave to think up something else.' But 
 that haint the wav thev looks at it, bless ver 'eart. ' Whv, 
 vou've forgotten the votes,' ses the (iov'mint. ' What in the name 
 o' goodness 'as that got to do with it ? ' ses the plain man. ' Poor 
 hinnocent creature!' ses the Ciov'mint, an' turns an' addresses the 
 deputation : — 
 
 "'Friends! Fellow citizens! Gallant an' patriotic defenders of our 
 island 'ome ! \'ou are unique in the historv of this terrestral sphere. 
 There is not another country,' ses he, ' as would treat vou as vou're 
 treated here. Yev self-sacrificin' spirit is the jov o' me heart, an' if 
 there's not enough troops to go round I will allow vou to line the 
 back streets when processions i^s on, but ver " present arms " is a 
 disgrace an' yer marchin' past makes me cold down the spine. Ver 
 shooting- — well, we will pass that. But for your sense o' duty the 
 curse of conscription would be weighin' on us, so let me point out 
 the necessity of keeping vour numbers up.' 
 
 " But to answer the question of me noble friend, we 'ave not 
 forgotten the great object for which vou exist. In the disastrous an' 
 unparalleled catastrophe of foreign invasion, which we 'ope will never 
 come to pass, but which, if it does, we trust will happen when the 
 Opposition is in power — if, I say, at that momentuous time, you should 
 be found unequal to the task, our plans is made. If our opponents is in, 
 we shall demand a (leneral Election an' promptly proceed to throw 
 them out ; but, if by some mistake zi'e should be managing the vessel 
 o' state at the time, we shall throw- the blame on our predecessors for 
 neglecting to train you properly. So our minds is easy as to the 
 
 20
 
 Our Qdttalion. 
 
 future. ' There's some guns we don't want in the corner, an' you 
 can wear putties if vou pay for them yourselves,' ses the Gov'mint, 
 ' an' we trust to vou to vote straight at the nex' Election.' 
 
 " Then the Volunteer Ofl'cer, being by nature contrary, wants to 
 know something about 'is duties an' ses to the Gov'mint, ' Yer remarks 
 is excellent an' to the point, but what can I do to correct me errors ? ' 
 ' Anything you like,' ses the Gov'mint, cheer- 
 fully, 'that's not agin the Reglashuns.' 'I 
 give up my time,' ses the Volunteer, ' an' 
 pav for nearlv evervthing out of my own 
 pocket, an' I'm anxious for to learn, but I 
 ain't a prophet,' ses 'e. ' Give me someone 
 to teach me.' ' I'll do anything vou like in 
 reason,' ses the Gov'mint, ' but I will not 
 train you.' ' Tell me how to teach myself, 
 then,' ses the Volunteer. ' I don't know 
 an' I don't care,' ses the Gov'mint, ' but 
 I'll spare the time to examine you if you 
 pav ver expenses. An' meanwhile I will 
 regard you in the light of a nuisance.' 
 An' so matters 'ave stood, the Volunteer 
 trving to do 'is best an' the Gov'mint doin' 
 
 . " . . "Very," ses the General. 
 
 its level to stop im at it. 
 
 " But now, along comes the General. ' Th' Army's not big 
 enough,' 'e ses; 'we must 'ave more men or I won't be responsible 
 for breakages,' 'e ses. ' Serious ? ' ses the Gov'mint. ' Very,' ses 
 the General. ' What am I to do ? ' ses the Gov'mint. ' Conscrip,' 
 ses the General. 'I daren't,' ses the Gov'mint in a whisper; 'the 
 Opposition 'ud get in at the next election.' ' The country requires it,' 
 ses the General. ' Docs it ? ' ses the Gov'mint. ' It requires us more ; 
 it would be as much as my place is worth to ask every man to do 
 his dutv, an' besides, there's me brave and devoted Volunteers.' 
 
 21
 
 Our 5^ttcilion. 
 
 'They'll never be anv real j^ood till they ha\-e the M'litia Ballot i)e'iiul 
 'em,' ses the (leneral. ' They're askintj; tor it themselves,' ses he. ' Never 
 will I consent to force anv one,' ses the (lov'mint, ' in this Land of 
 Freedom.' ' Somethinj^ must be done,' ses the General. ' Ah,' ses the 
 Gov'mint, 'I have it! Crowd them — I mean the Volunteers — for all you're 
 worth, an' if anythinfi; busts, we can throw the blame on them. Increase 
 the work an' cut down the pav, 'tis a sound business principle. Now to 
 turn to more important questions. Is tlie new cap to have a peak, or is 
 it not ? An' who is it to be named after ?' "
 
 ^m- *-7^. 
 
 Our First Puttie Parade. 
 
 24—25 
 
 r
 
 Field Training. 
 
 Captain of Cadet Corps: "I've come over to ask you if you would mind 
 my cadets running over your land for once, Mr. Stubbles. I want to 
 give them a little field work." 
 
 Stubbles: "Wull I dunno as I've got any objection, 's long as they don't 
 do no damage ; but whatever kind o' dog be they now ? I know o' 
 'arriers an' beagles, but I never 'eard tell o' that sort afore."
 
 
 
 -^'^ 
 
 
 ■'< '^ii''', . 
 
 
 ^ 
 
 /" 
 
 r.^/ 
 
 T 
 
 ON THE Q.O.C. 
 
 HI'", Junior Ort'cers," said "'l"in\" to the \()un^L'st Subaltern, "is 
 on the whole as smart an' efficient a lot of vountj j^^ents as 
 I'd wish to see, fond o' their work, eager to learn, an' read\' 
 to take suggestions from their Comp'ny Instructors, but if \()u listen 
 to them vou'd think thev was Generals. Thex' mav not know 'ow to 
 c'mmand a comp'nv as the\- should, but there never was one of 'em 
 who, after being a week at Aldershot, but what could have devised an' 
 carried out a course of trainin' that would ha\e been twice as good 
 an' ten times more suitable to the requiremints of t/icir Battalion at 
 any rate. 
 
 28
 
 Our 5^ttdlion. 
 
 " It's true thev don't i^^o into details, but they're sure of the results. 
 'But,' I ses, 'think of the poor man that's in chars^e of all these 'ere 
 Auxiliary Forces, d'vou think 'e got the billet for 'is looks ?' I ses. 'The 
 General,' ses vou, ' can't know the Volunteer like the Volunteer 'isself 
 does.' ' Now, put yerself in his place,' ses I, 'an' let's work the sum out 
 to four places o' decimals. To commence with,' ses I, ' the first thin<^ 
 'e does on being appointed to the job is to go an' 'ave a chat with the 
 Gov'mint on the subjec'. Ses he, 'I've bin studvin' the thing.' 'I know 
 ye 'ave,' ses the Gov'mint; 'that's why you've got the place. We want 
 a man as understan's the machine ; it wants over'aulin' before we goes on 
 tour with it. Not simplv washin' out the bearin's an' replatin' the 'andle 
 bars, but takin' to bits, an' shovin' together agin. Ver predecessor, poor 
 
 man, did 'is best, but , well, de iiioiiiiis, vou know, de moiiiiis.' A 
 
 sweet sentimint. Sir, but one tendin' to untruthfulness. ' So,' ses the 
 Gov'mint, 'you see 'ow the matter stands. 'Ere is the great mass of 
 patriotic defenders of this glorious country, readv to be trained 
 into a for^e that shall be the envy an' hatred of every Foreign Power. 
 'Tis a noble an' inspirin' prospec' that unrolls itself before vou, an' 
 one that should stimulate ver vital energies to their utmost ; the 'arder 
 the work to you, the greater the glorv to us. You 'ave a free 'and in the 
 matter.' 
 
 " ' Well,' ses the General, ' takin' into consideration that, if the 
 Volunteers is ever wanted, they'll be wanted in a hurrv, I should suggest 
 that they might be advantageously employed in fitting themselves for the 
 task.' 'Excellent,' ses the Gov'mint; 'why ever wasn't it thought of 
 before ? Go on,' ses he. ' They should be trained,' ses the General, ' to 
 the use of the most modern weapons, an' practised in the lessons which 
 we 'ave learned by bitter experience, to the end that, in the event of an 
 invasion, threatened or actual, e\erv unit sliall be able to take the field 
 without delay, sufficiently organised an' equipped to carrv it through a 
 
 2g D
 
 Our 5^ttcilion. 
 
 short canipaij;n.' 'Marvellous!' ses the Gov'mint. 'It's my dream 
 reahsed. I will be interviewed on the matter to-morrow.' ' Of course,' 
 ses the General, 'this will undoubtedly entail a certain amount of 
 hextra expense.' 'Not another word I' ses the Gov'mint. 'All bets is 
 oft" I Train 'cm, tjjivc 'em transport, stand 'cm on their 'cads, or teach 
 'em to sini,f ; anvthin_i( you like as lont,^ as it don't cost anythintf. Take 
 a fresh start,' ses 'e. 
 
 " So the General sits down with 'is Staff an' 'ammers away at it, an' 
 cuts down the bills till 'e ain't t,M\in' more than tifteen pence for 'ari-a- 
 crown's worth of stuff, an' by an' by, round comes the Gov'mint. ' I've 
 dropped in to see 'ow we're gettinjj on,' ses 'e. ' Some of the corps,' 
 ses the General, ' wants trainin<f in one way, I find, an' some in others, 
 so I propose that the Commandint;- ()ft''cers of the various districts should 
 adapt the training; to the requirements of the troops under their command, 
 an' should carrv it out wherever we consider it would I)e most ad\an- 
 tageous.' ' Splendid,' ses the Gov'mint. ' Speak it into the funnyi^raph 
 that I mav listen to it by nights. We'll do it,' ses 'e, ' at fome future 
 date. Just now I want ve to get 'em all together in one spot where 
 the correspondents of the Daily Press can see an' realize from their 
 own personal observation what a mighty weapon we are creatin'. The 
 spectacle of tens of thousands of our brave defenders practisin' together 
 the evolutions of war will be amazin' to them. Never again will they 
 dare assert that we are neglectin' the defences of the country. The 
 next three elections,' ses the Gov'mint, ' ought to be certs.' 
 
 "'But,' ses the G.O.C., 'there won't be space to train quarter of 
 them properlv.' ' Oh, never mind,' ses the Gov'mint, ' give 'em enough 
 room to turn round, an' .stick a sintry on every telegraph pole, an' tell 
 'em it's all practice ; they won't know any better. Hevins an' earth ! I 
 ought to be playin' Bridge with Lady Betty by now 1 Tar-tar,' ses 'e ; 
 ' be good.'
 
 Our 5^ttdlion. 
 
 " ' Well,' ses the G.O.C., goin' to the sideboard an' mixin<( a couple 
 o' stiff ones, 'wash it down with that,' 'e ses, i^nvin' one to 'is Staff. 
 ' Well, of all the dam nonsense!' 'e ses, fallin' into a chair. ' 'Twas ever 
 thus,' ses the Staff, bein' by nature poetic. 
 
 "An' now, Sir," said "Tiny" to the Junior Subaltern, "things bein' 
 like this, what would you do under the circumstances ? " 
 
 31
 
 U) 
 
 The 
 Seven Ages 
 
 of the 
 Volunteer. 
 
 At first tlu- raw Recruit, un- 
 used to arms 
 
 And awkward at his drill, 
 thinkiuf,' tlie " manual " 
 
 The \ery deuce. Then the 
 bold '■ Lance," 
 
 Uuick to salute, and '^\'<i(\ to 
 ha\e escaped 
 
 His turn as ordeil\. And 
 then 
 
 The Serf^eant, full of wrath 
 iiecause 
 
 His section, squad, or what 
 \i>u will, 
 
 .Misuntierstan<l him. and do 
 fail 
 
 To jjrasp the thiii.L,' he drives 
 at. 
 
 Then he's a "'Sub," and can- 
 not for the world 
 
 Imafjine how on earth they 
 ever did without him, 
 
 Don't \(in kmiw. 
 
 14)
 
 And after that he's Captain, 
 
 and at first 
 Wakes up his company, but 
 
 as the years go on 
 He slackens, and betimes he 
 
 wonders 
 If it is not time to chuck it, 
 
 as it were. 
 A Major then, and now be- 
 strides a "gee,"' 
 Thanking his lucky stars the 
 
 ■' double " does 
 No longer make him gasp. 
 Lastly, the Colonel, sporting 
 
 the bold V.U., 
 Wishing to goodness he had 
 
 not to put 
 His hand to pocket to such 
 
 great extent ; but dreading, 
 
 all the same, 
 The time when he must, in the course of things, 
 Retire. 
 
 (6) 
 
 (7)
 
 WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN. 
 
 " T WOULD like to <;ct 'old of some of the gentry as writes to the 
 I papers on warlike topics," said " Tiny " to the world at large, 
 " more especially them that takes the Volunteers under their 
 special care. I would unfold me mind to them. Now 'ere's one of 'em 
 as 'olds the opinion that shootin's everything, an' 'e quotes the opinion 
 of a furriner who 'as hin through the war an' ses the first thing a 
 soldier needs is to slioot well, an' the next thing is to shoot well, an' 
 the last thing is to shoot well. Now that's all right, but me worthy 
 friend misses the first point, which is that it refers to a soldier, an' not 
 a civilian. So 'e jumps off from the wrong place to start with. ' Then,' 
 ses 'e, ' teach 'em to shoot, an' take 'em down to the carefully selected 
 position an' 'ave the distances marked off, an' the Boers 'ave taught us 
 that under these circumstances good rifle shots is a match for trained 
 troops.' Now there's where 'e run's the wrong side of the post. In the 
 
 34
 
 c^ 
 
 L 
 
 n 
 
 The Firing Exercise. 
 
 Our own thoughtful Subahern has carefully studied the new firing positions, and has also 
 read that "methods must be improvised for utilizing the fire of two or even more 
 ranks," and, by the above arrangement, he hopes to fulfil both conditions.
 
 Our gdttdlion. 
 
 fust place this 'ere country ain't the Transvaal, an' what 'ud he first 
 rate out there 'ud he all wrong 'ere ; an' in the nex' place, /,v it just 
 by j^ood shootin' the Boers 'ave done what thev 'ave ? Don't think I 
 despise shootin', hut drivin' comfortable to the range an' gettin' up 
 to the firin' line is two dillcrcnt things. 
 
 " I will ask you one question : ' If the King's prize man can onlv 
 walk ten miles, an' 'e 'as to march twenty, liow man\- bullseves is 'e 
 likely to make when 'e's fallen out an' lying in the ambulance? For 
 there'll be no goin' down comfortable to a camp that's bin arranged 
 an' catered for months before, an' finding yer tent up an' the tea 
 ready. There'll be no breaking you in soft an' easy, so that at the 
 end of the week too manv of you won't fall out on a twentv-five mile 
 field dav. The bloomin' foe won't study yer conxenience, an' \ou'll get 
 no notice hefore'and ot llic picnic. The Foreign Power that as made 
 up its mind for a slap at us will not achcrtize that it'll 'old a remnant sale 
 in the metropolis on the first of nex' montli. Our relations will be most 
 friendly with 'im 'till all of a sudden 'e ses, ' 'Ere goes for London.' 
 There'll be a navy fight first, an' twill be no ordinary one, for 'e'll lose 
 two ships to our one, cheerfully, if 'e can clear the Channel for a week. 
 
 " We 'ope 'e won't manage it, and we don't think 'e will, but // 
 'e does, it'll be no week's camp then. The orders one dav, the 
 assembly nex' mornin' an' the trains waitin'. ' Arf the camp kettles 
 ain't 'ere. Sir.' 'Can't be helped, you'll have to manage as best \'ou 
 can.' ' No room for that baggage. Chuck it out, anxwhere.' ' All in ? 
 Right away ! ' Heaven help the man that 'as forgot to stuff his haversack 
 with a ration ! Twenty-four hours they'll he before thev have a chance 
 of a meal, an' then. Heaven help the corps twice over as 'asn't been 
 used to feeding itself, or that 'asn't give a thought to how to meet 
 an emergency like this ! Quartermaster, Captain, or Corporal, anvone 
 as knows his job at the camp kitchen, will he worth his weight in 
 gold then, an' that's onlv the start. 
 
 ^^ 
 
 J6
 
 Our gdttalion. 
 
 "Tired an' stale, the lads '11 work like niggers at the trenches, but 
 before they're finished the order will come to get to somewhere without 
 delay, the enemy not 'aving been kind enough to fall in with our 
 plans. No trains this time, the lines being blocked. Twenty miles 
 before nex' mornin', an' all baggage to be left be'ind. The boys will 
 
 
 Luckv the Battalion that can feed 
 
 stay in the ranks till they 
 drop, an' where they 
 drop they will stay. The 
 ambulance ? That's for 
 the fighting line. 'Ave 
 ye ever seen a stiff field 
 day ? An' that's child's play, 
 its men that night. 
 
 * # * 
 
 '"We're in reserve, thank God!' they'll cry, though every mother's 
 
 son is onlv wishful to fight, an' they'll fall asleep by companies till 
 
 the section^ commanders kick 'em to wake up. ' Battalion will advance ! ' 
 
 'Halt!' 'Lie down!' 'Advance!' 'Halt!' ' Lie down ! ' 'Retire!' 
 
 37 ^
 
 Our 5^ttdlion. 
 
 ' Halt ! ' ' You've had an easv dav, Colonel. Hold your men in readiness 
 to attack at nic^htfall.' 
 
 * # * 
 
 " Mile after mile throut,di the mud. ' What are we tj;oin<^ to do, 
 Dick ? ' ' Spoil their beauty sleep ; they've been kept at it two days, 
 
 and if" we .' ' Stop that talkinj; in the ranks I Close up there I 
 
 What's that ? ' ' One of their patrols, Sir.' ' Push on, hovs, push on ! 
 It's come at last.' 
 
 " ' Men, their picquets are on that hill, ready for us. We are ,t;^oiny; 
 to take it, and hold it to the last man. The Battalion will form for 
 
 attack.' 
 
 * * * 
 
 " You'll want soldiers then, jj^ents ; an' \-ou must 'ave 'em ready 
 before'and." 
 
 .--^^-^ 
 
 ^/? 
 
 V. 
 
 38
 
 ^ 
 
 
 
 
 Our Review 
 
 40—41 
 
 r^)
 
 Army Orders. 
 
 Great care should be exercised in reconnoitring woods.
 
 — V//^, 
 
 (i) The simple mudcrusher thought it would be rather sporting to entrap the mounted 
 
 scout and laid his plans accordingly. 
 
 (2) And the scout thought it was only his duty to bag the mudcrusher, so, disregarding his 
 
 enemy's fire, he started to round him up.
 
 K3) Scout : "Haiti You're my 
 
 (4) " My prisoner, I think !
 
 J 
 
 y 
 
 c. 
 
 r 
 
 ( 
 
 J' 
 
 Patrols. 
 
 Scout: "There's a pub down there right enough, but there's an officer coming 
 
 up the hill." 
 Corporal : " Over the bank, boys ; an' take cover behind those ricks ! "
 
 THE LOST PATROL. 
 
 By the JUNIOR SUBALTERN. 
 
 WONDER what we shall do to-day? It seems as if we'd 
 been here for weeks, although this is only the third day ; 
 but I suppose one's first camp always seems like that. 
 It is different from anything else ; the drill I've done before don't help 
 me a little bit. It's all very well to pass exams an' get P.S. after 
 your name in the Army List, but that don't do much good out on a 
 field day, as far as I can see. 
 
 Here comes my noble Captain. He's a bit of a slacker, I fancy. 
 Wish he'd buck the men up more in their drill. They were simply 
 awful yesterday, / thought, but he didn't seem to notice it ; in fact, I 
 rather imagined he didn't approve of my goin' for 'em in the way I 
 did. By Jove, if I said "Wake up those men," once, I must have 
 said it a hundred times. 
 
 "What's that? I'm attached to X Company to-day, as young 
 Jackson is on the sick list ? What beastly rot ! Why, they're the worst 
 company we've got. Chance for me to wake 'em up ? That's all 
 
 47
 
 Our 5<3ttdlion. 
 
 bally line, but all rigbt, I'm off." Tbis is a lively look-out. My 
 
 fijoodness, they arc a lot ! and their Captain don't seem up to much 
 
 either "Yes, Sir. Very fjood, Sir. Take No. i Section and 
 
 join the advanced party ? " "But — er — I've never " " Hurry up, for 
 
 ffoodness sake, the Adjutant's lookinj.^ as black as thunder." " Oh, 
 Id him." 
 
 " What am I to do ? Straight along till I come to the cross roads, 
 take the N.E. one, and keep on till I come in touch with the enemy? 
 
 But " "Just readv, Sir. I am only asking for final instruc " 
 
 "Oh, Xo. I Section, right turn, quick march." Oh, bother, I've for- 
 gotten to slope the arms. " Slope arms, there ! " By gad, that's a 
 pretty poor start. What is the Adjutant howling about ? " That isn't 
 the wav to march an advanced guard. Where are my flankers ? " 
 "Just going to send them out. Sir." "Where's the section com- 
 mander ? On the sick list ? Who is in charge then ? Oh, you, 
 Corporal. Have you ever been in an advanced guard before ? No ? 
 Why — oh, it's your first camp, is it ? Any of the men been used to 
 this sort of thing ? You don't fancy so. Well, we must do the 
 best we can. Take two men and examine that little wood on the 
 right. I will halt the section at the corner till you rejoin." 
 
 Ullo, what does this cvclist want ? " Captain Jones says, will I 
 push on at once, as I'm stopping the whole column." " Oh ! For- 
 ward." Hang me if I see the good of sending out flankers if you 
 can't wait for them to examine anything. " Step out there, men, 
 we're blocking the column." Well, here are the cross roads. Oh, 
 my sainted aunt. Five, an' not a blessed sign-post ! 
 
 "Any of you men know which is the way to Muddiford ? No?" 
 I wonder which is the N.E. road. I thought it was all bally rot 
 getting maps and compasses, but I wish to goodness I had now. If 
 there was onlv a gleam of sunshine it would help, but you can't even 
 guess where the sun is through these clouds. Oh, damn that cyclist! 
 Oh, the Adjutant's swearing like old boots? Well, here goes. "Take 
 
 48
 
 Our 5^ttdlion. 
 
 the turning down the hill, boys, and push ahead as hard as you can." 
 Thank goodness we seem to have got clear of 'em now, and by the 
 powers, here's a villager. 
 
 " I say, is this right for Muddiford ? " Why, we are coming away 
 from it ! What the dickens am I to do ? " Is there a short cut 
 from here?" " Yes ! yes ! Down that lane, across the common to the 
 
 wood, straight on till you get to the path, and that will take us right 
 on to the main road long before the rest of the column can get 
 there." Cheap at half-a-crown. 
 
 " Fall in there. You shall have a rest when we pick the column 
 up, we're a bit oft" the track. Yes, yes, over the fields and straight 
 
 Get ahead ! What the deuce are vou men 
 
 through the wood. 
 
 49
 
 Our 5<3ttdlion. 
 
 opening out like that for ? You've always been told to spread out 
 when ixoin.e^ throu.ejh a wood ? Oh, all ri<(ht." If they lose themselves 
 it's their look-out. Where is this beastly path ? At last ! Which way 
 do we go ? Oh, er — er, curse it, that fellow didn't tell me. Let's see, 
 we turned to the left and tlien again, so I think it must be to the 
 right. Well, it can't be helped — here goes. 
 
 I daren't own up to the men that I haven't a notion where we 
 are, but I haven't, and that's a fact. How this infernal path does 
 wind about! " What's that. Corporal? Here's a sort of a road? This 
 
 isn't a main road. Well, the men must have a rest, so Where's 
 
 the rest of the section ? There aren't more than half of them here. 
 E.xpect they've gone back the way they came ? " I'm beginning to wish 
 / had too. 
 
 " Corporal, there's no doubt that we've lost touch with the column. 
 We must work our way along the road till we come across a house 
 and find out where we are ; unfortunately, I forgot to bring my map 
 with me." At last! a cottage. The men had better rest while I 
 make a few inquiries. " Oh, you're a stranger in these parts ? But, 
 
 my good woman, is there any place where I can find The Red 
 
 Lion ? Where's that ? Just down the road, where those soldiers are 
 running to?" Well, I'm ! 
 
 *%
 
 A Fair Samaritan.
 
 Our N.C.O.'s (No. i). 
 
 Captain : " Look here. Corporal, you know the great object of the new system is to 
 train the N.C.O.'s to act on their own initiative and responsibility. Now I want 
 you to take a couple of men — understand? Two men, and advance along the main 
 road and select a position commanding a good view of the road, where your sentry 
 can see without being seen — understand ? Now you should choose if possible a 
 place giving some shelter for your men, as you are to imagine you've got to occupy 
 it for twenty-four hours, and it ought to be so chosen that you could offer a certain 
 amount of resistance if attacked— understand ? You're in absolute command, and you 
 are to do whatever you think best under the circumstances, keeping in mind the 
 object for which you were sent out — understand?" 
 
 Corporal : " Yessir."
 
 Our N.C.O.'s (No. 2). 
 
 The Position the Corporal selected.
 
 Hints for Patrols. 
 
 "When reconnoitring a village, one of the inhabitants should be detained and questioned."
 
 L.rz r 
 
 The Best Laid Schemes, etc. 
 
 That able and efficient officer, Captain Smith, had prepared a really beautiful ambush that 
 would have put the opposing force out of action without a doubt, had not this happened just 
 
 before the psychological moment I 
 
 56—57 
 
 ^i 
 
 o
 
 No. I. 
 
 Lt.=Col. Sir DIGBY 5ANDILAND5, M.P. 
 
 Saturday. — Wretched morning. Hunter tells me the barometer is 
 falHno- ao-ain. We really get terribly bad luck with the weather. I 
 know what it will be — we shall get to camp wet through, and find every- 
 thin"- absolutely sodden. Wish I had sent Hunter on yesterday to 
 
 & ^ - - 
 
 look after things. Lady Sandilands says it's perfectly absurd going on 
 a day like this ; suggests that I should go later when everything is 
 straio-ht. Women take the most extraordinary yiews of one's duty to 
 the country, but really, under the circumstances, I almost wish it were 
 
 feasible. 
 
 Williams has just come up to say that Brown Bess is very lame, 
 shall he get Sultan ready ? It is really most annoying : he positively 
 hates the band, while old Bess is as steady as a rock. 
 
 Sharpe & Sharpe write me about those mortgages. I really ought 
 to see them. If I caught the express to town I could settle the matter, 
 
 59
 
 Our 5«^ttdlion. 
 
 and then get to the camp about the time the Battahon should arrive. 
 Major Strahan would take charsjje of them ; he rather likes doinjj it, I 
 fancy. If there's nothing important to see to I think that's what I 
 must do, but it is extremely annoying after looking forward to tiie week 
 and making all arrangements. 
 
 The girls very disappointed ; say it's not worth while going to see 
 the Battalion start if I'm not there. Promise them they shall have a 
 wire letting them know the exact time of our return. They say that's 
 not the same thing, as we invariablv come back smothered in dust 
 and looking generally disreputable. They seem to regard the whole 
 thing as a mild form of amusement for them. Have arranged ever}'- 
 thing with the Adjutant. Capital fellow. Reallv relieves me of no 
 end of little worries. 
 
 Sunday. — Arrived rather later than I expected last night. Found 
 they had had rather a bad time getting here, but everything seemed 
 all right ; hope it is ; alwavs like the men to start camp in a good 
 temper. We parade fairlv strong, but men not so smart as I should 
 like to see them. I must impress it on the companv officers to look 
 after that sort of thing rather more carefull\-. 
 
 Church parade not improved by slight drizzle ; but the chaplain 
 very sensibly shortened the ser\ice. Quite forgot to provide mvself 
 with anything for the collection ; asked the Adjutant if he could lend 
 me something ; he had only half-a-crown and a sovereign ; so — well, 
 I suppose it's for a good cause. Inspected camp this afternoon, seems 
 fairly comfortable. Our mess president tells me he has had a lot of 
 bother with the caterers, but he hopes it will be better in a day or two. 
 I sincerely hope it will. 
 
 Monday. — Passed a terribly bad night. Camp may be a pleasant 
 change for younger men, but it really is a great trial in many ways for 
 commanding officers. I find one misses what are usually termed, I 
 
 60
 
 Our gdttalion. 
 
 believe, " home comforts." The work to-day is to be confined to sections 
 and the training of the N.C.O.'s. This new drill reads simple enough in 
 
 Reserves. 
 
 the book, but the men don't seem to catch on to it as quickly as they 
 should ; but really everything has so changed of late years that one 
 
 6i G
 
 Our 5tittdIion. 
 
 hardly likes to criticize. Spoke to the Adjutant about it ; he says they're 
 doing quite as well as he expected. Very irritating order from head- 
 quarters to the effect that as we are a manceuvres camp, officers will 
 not dine in mess dress. A most senseless order ; if they allow us mess 
 tents and board floors, and things of that sort, whv on earth can't they 
 allow us to dine as gentlemen ? 
 
 Tuesday. — Weather improving, am happy to say. To-day 'r training, 
 I believe, is to be left in the hands of the company commanders ; field 
 officers to exercise general supervision. On the whole, not bad, although 
 I doubt if they will be able to carry out my commands as intelligently 
 as I could wish without a tremendous amount of explanatiim. I must 
 impress upon them the importance of grasping the idea of the commands, 
 at the same time acting on their own initiative, otherwise we shall have 
 endless confusion. 
 
 Wednesday.— Something about living in the open that has a very 
 stimulating effect upon one. Made quite an excellent breakfast. The 
 Adjutant gave a most interesting lecture on outpost work before we 
 started ; he mentioned several points that I don't mind confessing had 
 slipped my memory. I feel sure, with a little careful instruction, the 
 efficiency of the Volunteer Force would be enormously increased. Must 
 refer to it in the House on earliest opportunity. Did an attack with 
 the Brigade this afternoon ; verv disappointing. Up to certain stage 
 everything went well, but, as attack developed, got in some way mixed 
 up with the Blankshires, who were, undoubtedly, far out of their proper 
 line. Had slight argument with their CO. Dear old chap, of course, 
 but absolutely pig-headed. Would not see my point. G.O.C.'s remarks 
 rather uncalled for, under the circumstances. Had to speak to several 
 of the company officers about letting their men get out of hand. The 
 various Adjutants seem to regard the matter with an amount of levity 
 which I don't altogether approve of Mess very uproarious to-night ; most 
 
 62
 
 Our 5^ttdlion. 
 
 unnecessarily so in my opinion. Heard afterwards one of the subalterns 
 had given a lecture on " Tactics, as he understood them." 
 
 Thursday. — Inspection to-day. Passed off fairly satisfactorily ; faults 
 found of course, but that's inevitable. A weary, worrying business. 
 Every one seems out of temper. Thank goodness, that's over for a year. 
 
 A Camp Fire. 
 
 Friday. — Every prospect of a hot day of course, on the one occasion 
 that we should rejoice in a cloudy sky. Hope there will be no trouble 
 
 63
 
 Our 5<3ttdlion. 
 
 with the water-cart. (iot the BattaHon away early, so could give the 
 men a rest before commencing operations. 
 
 Don't quite know what we're intended to be doing or where we're 
 going. Somewhat awkward, as I haven't been able to tell Williams 
 where to meet me with spare horse and a sandwich. Rather a joke 
 (or the reverse) if I had to patronize the water-cart ! 
 
 Did exceedingly well. Complimented on the way I handled the 
 Battalion in awkward position. Very trying march back, but men stuck 
 to it well. Will back a countrv Battalion against a town one any time 
 for a stiff da^^'s work, although thev may not be so smart. Ordered 
 extra ration of beer, or its equivalent, to be issued to each man. 
 Capital camp fire at night, and some very good choruses. Great pity 
 that just as we have got into our stride, so to speak, we have to 
 break up. Nothing like camp for the men. Wish we could have more 
 of it. Must bring up the question of extended camps in the House. 
 
 Saturday. — Brought Battalion home. Never knew the men march 
 better, and every man looks as hard as nails. The girls say 1 look 
 years younger. Quite sorry to get back. 
 
 V 
 
 64
 
 z^^^. 
 
 ^g:^'' 
 
 A Conundrum. 
 
 1st Umpire : I say, Jimmy, which would you consider the most sporting thing 
 to do— award both sides the palm of victory, or put 'em both out of action?"
 
 ^^N/NJ 
 
 Capt. and Adjt. 
 
 No. 2. 
 
 "JERRY' BENSON. 
 
 Saturday. — I don't think I ever felt less inclined to get up in my 
 life. It is simply dreadful to contemplate the fact that for the next 
 week there won't be a moment's peace for me after 5 a.m. And 
 something horrible is sure to happen — either the Sergeant Major will 
 go sick, or the Colonel's wine will be corked, or I shall be asked to 
 explain things. 
 
 The Station Master seems unduly flurried for one of his years — says 
 we shall block the whole line if we don't get away soon. Had no idea 
 the railway system of the country was so easily upset. What is the 
 matter with the youth Thompson ' Oh, he is in charge of the baggage 
 for the time being. It seems to excite him very much. I'ortunately, 
 baggage has a nice little way of turning up in the long run, somehow. 
 I wish they wouldn't ask me what sort of work we shall do in camp ; 
 
 66
 
 Our ^cittdlion. 
 
 they must think I'm a sort of mihtary encyclopaedia. Frightful scene de- 
 training, Volunteers always remind me of flustered hens on these occasions. 
 
 Sunday. — "Oh those dreadful bugles!" Usual church parade. The 
 Colonel is certain to forget his purse, so I'll take a sovereign for him. His 
 expression when he sees I've nothing less, will be touching. As a spectacle, 
 effect somewhat marred by the presence of a cyclist in violent tweeds. 
 
 Monday. — Really a very amusing day. The struggles of the various 
 Company officers simply fascinating to watch, they have so many ways 
 of doing the same thing. I have never been able to fathom the mind 
 of the Volunteer N.C.O., but I should think he conceives his duty 
 consists of remaining eternally in rear of his men. I asked one what 
 he thought he was placed in charge of a section for, and he answered 
 very truthfully that he didn't know. I think I must get him sent 
 out in charge of a patrol when the Brigadier is about, he will be so 
 pleased. Someone asked me what I thought of the men's drill. I said 
 it was very interesting, and that I'd seen regulars do it quite as badly. 
 
 Tuesday. — Had a most elaborate Brigade drill, which I believe we 
 are not supposed to do, but it afforded me great joy. Everyone else 
 seemed to loathe it. The Colonel got rather worried, which was a 
 nuisance, as I had to keep at his elbow to put him right. I don't 
 think any one really knows what to do, but if you only take long 
 enough about an_v movement, you generally get a fresh command 
 before you've got absolutely wrong. By some miracle we didn't get 
 quite in a muddle, which was a pity, as the Brigadier would have 
 given everybody the most awful "dirt." Felt quite sorry when it was 
 over. The Colonel uttered a heart-felt " Thank God ! " 
 
 Wednesday.— A most amusing little field day. I think we did 
 everything we should not have done. Not a soul paid the faintest 
 attention to cover, and when we got into the quite open countrv 
 everyone took the opportunity to reform the lines. I pulled up a 
 
 67
 
 Our 5^ttdlion. 
 
 Subaltern who was doini;^ it in the most barefaced manner ; he was 
 very cheerful about it, said it would save no end of confusion, and 
 it was much easier to do "out here" than when you were "bottled up 
 in a bally wood ! " I should rather like to know what the men think 
 of field days. The issue of blank ammunition usually keeps them quite 
 cheerful for the first half-hour ; then, if they happen to be in reserve 
 they get very sulky and think they're being " done in the eye," and 
 when they eventually get into the firing line, thev loose off every 
 round they have as fast as possible, and from that moment take no 
 further interest in the proceedings. 
 
 Thursday. — Annual Inspection to-day. Took every precaution, care- 
 fully coached two companies in piquet duties, and put the rest in reserve. 
 Told the Captains if they had any old soldiers in the ranks to put them 
 in the responsible positions. Thank goodness the Chief invariably 
 asks the same questions, so hadn't to bother about other things. It 
 would be too dreadful if he started dodging us. I wish officers 
 would not say they've received no instructions about all sorts of things. 
 It may be perfectly true, but you can't get them to see that they 
 ought to say anything but that. Had rather a fright when I heard the 
 G.O.C. was paying a surprise visit to the outposts, but something kept 
 him oft" us. The Sergeant Major said we should get an awful wigging 
 over the camp, as it wasn't half cleaned up, so had to get the Colonel 
 to keep lunch going as long as possible. Men turned out for inspection 
 better than I expected, but one wretched youth in No. i Company got 
 his bayonet jammed. Thought we were in for it, but luckily his struggles 
 were so pathetic that the Chief had to laugh, and forgot to make any 
 nasty remarks until he'd almost finished the inspection. We might 
 train a humorously-minded bov to do something of the sort every time. 
 
 Fr/rfrtj'.— Usual wind-up field day. Did " pooja " to everything I 
 could think of, in the hope of being placed in reserve, but it didn't 
 come off. Had a positively dreadful time. Our portion of the firing 
 
 68
 
 Our 5^ttdlion. 
 
 line seemed to fascinate the G.O.C., nothing would make him go away. 
 Gave us frightful " dirt " because the men insisted on standing up to 
 see the Commander-in-Chief and Staff go by, when they were supposed 
 to be under cover and lying down. One of the Staff got off rather 
 smart thing — said the Volunteers combined the minimum of e.xpense 
 with the maximum of inefficiency. 
 
 Saturday. — Broke camp. I don't know which is worse, getting to 
 camp or coming away from it. It doesn't matter what arrangements 
 you make, it always results in hopeless confusion, and everybody goes 
 about cursing somebody or something. I shall keep out of the way 
 as much as possible, and I shall go on leave directly we get back. 
 
 The Hired "Charger" is not a Thing of Beauty! 
 
 69 
 
 H
 
 Studies. 
 
 Serious Major: "You ought fo look in to-night, youngster, we shall be having 
 
 a * Kriegspiel ' on." 
 Frivolous Sub.: "What's that. Sir?" 
 Major : " Don't you know ? Why it's the War Game." 
 Sub. : " Never heard of it ! Can you make any money at it ? "
 
 c 
 
 V >- 
 
 Ambushed ! 
 
 Extract from Officer's Diary. — " Had lunch, practically on an unsuspected wasp's nest, and had 
 
 to clear out, each man collaring whatever he could lay hands on. The 
 
 Colonel was the last to quit the field of battle." 
 
 72—73 
 
 K
 
 Field=Day Reflections. 
 
 Field Officer (a little out of toucii for the time being) : " I wish to 
 goodness our corps had stuck to their scarlet instead of goin' into this 
 infernal khaki ; you used to be able to spot 'em at any distance, but 
 now I'm hanged if I can tell where they are!"
 
 Tactics. 
 
 Slim Subaltern : " Not out of action ? I should jolly well think you were, though ! 
 Why I've been simply pumping lead into you for the last ten minutes!" 
 
 Captain of Opposing Force : " That's all very fine, but it all depends on the range 
 you were firing at." 
 
 Slim Subaltern : " Don't you worry about that, cocky ; I had one section sightin' at 
 eight hundred, another at nine, 'nother at one thou, an' t'other at 'leven hundred I"
 
 --m^/^/^ 
 
 r 
 
 • >• 
 
 Lr> tr^ 
 
 Field=Day Tragedies. 
 
 ' Ullo, Dicky ! Where's your Company ? Lost ? " 
 ' No, not lost, but gone before ! "
 
 y^ 
 
 /^ 
 
 lC **^ 
 
 ' <^ 
 
 No. 3. 
 
 2nd Lieut. FITZGERALD LAWLESS. 
 
 Saturday. — Utter rot limiting a fellow's baggage ; I've simply chucked 
 it. If there was any need, I could live in one shirt just as well as the 
 next man, but I expect the Sergeant Major will think it his duty to 
 point out that two kit bags, a hold-all, plus the regulation tin box, is 
 almost up to field officer form, but I can't do it with less. I'm sure 
 the amount of stuff the sergeants' mess take with 'em is simply appalling. 
 
 Trust our mess president will provide for our carnal appetites bv 
 the way, but shall take the precaution of laving in a small stock on 
 my own. 
 
 Had huge jest with voung Simpkins in the train. Rotted him 
 about his new Sam Browne equipment ; told him it wasn't on right, 
 
 78
 
 Our 5^ttalion. 
 
 so we had it off him, and regularly trussed him up in it ; he got awfully 
 wrathy, so we sat him in a corner while Jackson read " Hints for 
 Young Officers " to him. 
 
 Found my tent pitched close to the Colonel's ; rather a good egg, 
 as they won't be able to try any larks on this time. That young ass 
 Blenkinsop, who was baggage officer, has lost one of my kit bags, 
 and pretty well smashed up the other things. Had the cheek to say 
 it was lucky the only really efficient Sub. in the Battalion in charge, 
 or the baggage would never have got here. Gathered from the tone 
 of his remarks that he'd had a pretty healthy time of it. 
 
 Sunday. — Seems quite good to hear the bugles going once more. 
 Church parade. Infernal nuisance having to wear busbies — always 
 feel like a bally Hungarian bandsman. As usual, forgot about the 
 collection, so had to apply to Watney, who, being a parson's son, is up 
 to these moves ; result — put in half-a-crown. Fancy Watney regards 
 it as a little private field day, as he invariably has half-crowns and 
 nothing else. Told me afterwards he'd lent five. 
 
 Spent most of this afternoon trying to instil some measure of tidiness , 
 into my servant. 
 
 Monday. — On dutv- Inspected the grub first thing. Awfully good 
 chap our Quartermaster ; tried to show me how to spot bully beef. 
 'Pon my soul I think the real work of a Battalion is done oft" the 
 scenes, as it were. How the deuce they manage to feed nine hundred 
 beggars without a regular fuss, beats me. 
 
 No complaints about the breakfast. My own a bit oft', as I was late. 
 
 Preliminary training and drills. Been trying to hammer a little know- 
 ledge into our N.C.O.'s. The non-commissioned man may be the back- 
 bone of the army, but I'll be hanged if he is of the Volunteers. Went 
 round lines at dinner. Two or three complaints ; either too much fat 
 or too little gravy. Got rather good wheeze for these occasions ; 
 
 79
 
 Our 5^ttalion. 
 
 nearly always come from an untidy lot, so invariably say I never 
 take complaints from a dirty tent ; makes 'em very sick. Turned out 
 the guards ; good thing in principle, generally a bally farce in practice. 
 
 Tuesday. — Had to dig young Brown out of liis tent about 2 a.m. ; his 
 man hadn't slacked off the tent ropes, and as there was rather a heavy 
 dew, the whole show collapsed. Fancy B. thought the camp had been 
 rushed, as we discovered him clutching his sword. His lamp had been 
 knocked over, and he was soaked in paraffin, and smelt vilely. Rotted 
 B. about it all day. 
 
 Fooled about in rear of my half company most of the time, as the 
 Captain was enjoying himself bossing everything ; he might just as 
 well have given me a separate job to do. Got rather hauled over the 
 coals for not seeing that the men laid out their bedding properly. Asked 
 the Sergeant Major what the regulation way was. Wish he wouldn't 
 always preface his information with " I should have thought. Sir, that 
 that was one of the first thmgs an officer should know." 
 
 Rather a lark after mess ; got young B. down and christened him 
 "Violet de Parme," while Jackson played "Taint all lavender." 
 Suspected B. of harbouring thoughts of revenge, so collared a syphon 
 of soda, and after putting out my light crawled outside and waited for 
 him. Just as he started letting the tent down, sallied forth and let 
 fly the soda at him. Stirred up the Colonel, so had to lie awfully doggo. 
 
 Wednesday. — Colonel rather grumpy about being disturbed. Did a 
 futile Brigade attack to-day. Got told oft" as escort to some machine 
 guns. Asked the Johnnie in command of 'em what he was going to do. 
 Said he didn't know, but thought they wanted him to keep out of the 
 way, and interrupt the attack as little as possible. AI.G.'s usually looked 
 on as a nuisance, I fancy. I suggested it would be rather sporting if 
 we worked out well to a flank, and then imagined ourselves ambushed, 
 and bolted back on the main body ; give 'em awfully great opportunity 
 
 80
 
 Our 5^ttalion. 
 
 of showing what they could do in an emergency, but he wouldn't rise 
 to it. Simply a lovely chance lost of rotting up the show. Think I 
 shall put in for the gun section next vear. 
 
 ^ .^'7- 
 
 Went over to the Wildshires in the evening. Awfullv sporting lot. 
 Found 'em having chariot races in armchairs with obstacles. Beine 
 a guest, was asked to be passenger ; nothing broken but the chair. 
 Musical lot, too. Have great formula when they want a song from 
 
 8i I
 
 Our 5<attdlion. 
 
 anyone, "Will you come to the piano, or will you be fetched?" They 
 generally come. Rather late before I j^ot back. Never knew a camp 
 with so many confounded tent ropes. 
 
 Thursday. — Annual inspection. Filthy day. Inspected every ten 
 minutes, with slit^ht interval for showers. Was hurried off to a piquet. 
 Rushed out patrols and sentries somewhere. Got told to alter 'em. 
 If you wanted to know anythinj^ you were told to ask some one else. 
 Always the same game. Hardly a soul knows what they're supposed 
 to be doing. You're not certain yourself, and if you are, you haven't 
 time to tell your men. So everyone produces little red books, and 
 studies "What to do and How to do it," by "One who thinks he 
 knows." No wonder the regulars jibe at us ; it's astonishing we're 
 as good as we are. Everybody a bit oft to-day. 
 
 Friday. — Paraded half an hour earlier, as we had about seven miles 
 to march to the rendezvous. Tried to stop my fellows from emptying 
 their water-bottles at the first halt. It would do 'em good if the 
 water-cart got lost for once, and they had to make the contents of 
 their bottles last them the day. 
 
 Find we're to act as rearguard to something. Got told off to 
 occupy a bit of a wood right away on the flank. Thank goodness 
 they haven't told me what to do or how long to hold on, or anything, 
 so I shall get out of touch as soon as I can and play off my own 
 bat. Rather good little wood. Men awfully keen on the job. Soon 
 after we occupied position, spotted party of the enemy coming through 
 gap in the hills. Couldn't see them very well on account of the haze, 
 so waited till they got fairly near, and then gave 'em a volley. They 
 sent an orderlv over to know what the deuce I meant by firing on 
 the ambulance. Felt rather an ass, but found out afterwards every 
 party they had passed had paid them the same compliment. Soon 
 after scout came in with news of enemy. I wanted to ambush 'em, 
 
 82
 
 Our gattdlion. 
 
 but some silly fool fired without orders, so it became a regular attack. 
 Put three companies out of action before we retired, but cut it rather 
 too fine, and a few of my chaps got collared. Found the rest of the 
 rearguard had cleared before. Some of 'em mistook us for the bally 
 foe, and blazed into us like old boots. Rotted 'em no end when we 
 got up to them. Everything got in the most awful muddle after a 
 bit ; no one knew who was which. After the " Cease fire " sounded 
 came across a lot of chaps firing like mad at anybody who came near. 
 Told 'em the "Cease fire" had gone. "'Cease fire' be damned!" 
 said one of them. " We ain't had a look in till now ! " 
 
 Rather rough time getting back to camp. Thought at one time 
 half my lot were going to fall out, so went for 'em like anything. 
 Called 'em a "bally lot of school-girls out for a Sunday-school treat," 
 which upset them somewhat, so they bucked up and not one caved in, 
 although we were all pretty well "baked." 
 
 Awfully festive night. The Wildshires had a camp fire, nearlv all 
 the Brigade turned out. Any amount of choruses. Had fearful "rag" 
 afterwards. Scotson got hold of a wheelbarrow, formed a machine-gun 
 detachment, and rushed the Southshires' lines. Awfully " pi " lot, and 
 got very sick. Whenever they started to object charged 'em with the 
 " Maxim," and drove 'em to earth. When I got back found my tent 
 struck and a note on it begging me not to disturb the Colonej 
 when pitching it. Got out my blankets, rolled up in them, and slept 
 outside. 
 
 Saturday. — Find I'm stuck in charge of the baggage. Must see if 
 I can manage it without the usual row. Rather nice fellow is the 
 A.S.C. in charge of transport. Told him we'd got it all readv, and 
 he needn't worry. Shall just have time for my fellows to get breakfast 
 and then slip into it. Everything seems all serene, so I'll get a bite 
 myself. 
 
 Oh, my Aunt Maria! I wish if they give a fellow a job to do 
 
 «3
 
 Our ^aiiaWon. 
 
 they'd leave him to do it. Found everybody pitching the stuff up into the 
 wagons anyhow. How ever it got sorted out, goodness knows. Had 
 rather a row with the A.S.C. chap ; told him he was muddling every- 
 thing up. Seemed to think a Volunteer can't possibly know anything, but 
 considering half my men come from the railway, I'll back them against 
 all comers for loading a truck. Started at last, about half an hour late. 
 More trouble at the station ; only two trucks there instead of the five 
 indented for. M\' stock of ornamental profanitv barelv sufficient for 
 the occasion. Finally managed somehow. Loaded up passenger 
 coaches, horse bo.xes, anything ; but men awfully sulky. Thought 
 they were going to curse the Major when he wanted to know why 
 everything wasn't done. Got rotted by young Blenkinsop for mucking 
 the show up. Major awfully good chap on these occasions ; told me 
 it's absolutely unavoidable when we have to manage to get a day's work 
 done in about three hours. Told ripping good jest against himself 
 when he was on baggage duty years ago. Must try it again next year 
 to see if I can do it differently. Onlv one or two things gone wrong 
 after all, by some miracle. 
 
 Home again. Feel rather tired. Jolly good camp, though. Hope 
 next year's will be as good. 
 
 Off Duty.
 
 Philosophies. 
 
 'Chargin'," said the Junior Subaltern, "is all bally rot; and when we carried a beastly sword it 
 was positively dangerous. You blew your whistle, bolted out in front cf your men, howled 
 'Char-r-r-ge I' shoved your foot in a hole, or got the scabbard between your legs an' came a 
 regular mucker, and then some idiot behind either jumped on you or tripped over you, in' 
 most likely prodded you with his bally bayonet."
 
 M.G. 
 
 Extract from Diary. — "We got our Maxim into a capital position on the 
 flank, but before we could fire a shot we were put out of action for 
 some time."
 
 ^.ii.!!iliJi:i()*«Miiv,a";-' 
 
 More Army Reforms. 
 
 Our only Sub. : " Awful tommy rot big Battalions, don't you know ; ever so much jollier with 
 
 just the mess an' the band." 
 
 c
 
 On Guard. 
 
 Officer of the day (who believes in malcing sure that every man Itnows 
 his worii): "Ah? What are you?" {No ansvi'er.) 
 "Er! What are your orders?" (No answer.) 
 " What the dooce are you doing here ? " 
 Recruit (on sentry go for the first time): "Please, zur, I b; waitin' for 
 they to tell I to come to tay I "
 
 A Misunderstanding. 
 
 Colonel (to recruit who has forgotten to salute him): "What Company do 
 
 you belong to ? " 
 Recruit (mindful of his civil occupation): " Th — Th — The Gas Company, 
 
 please, Sir ! "
 
 No. 4. 
 
 Pte. TIMOTHY SIMMONS. 
 
 Saturday. — 'Ad a bit of a row with the old man afore starting ; 
 'e wants me to give mother 'arf my camp pay, same as if it were 
 wages. Told 'im 1 would if I could, so I expect there'll be more rows 
 when we gets back. Said good-bye to Mary, an' told her if 1 'eard 
 of any goings on with Bill Jenkins, as could go to camp if 'e wanted 
 to right enough, I'd spoil 'is face for 'im. She said I ought to be 
 walkin' 'er out instead o' wastin' my time playin' at soldiers, an' that 
 Bill's a very sensible chap. I ses as 'e's a waster an' a perfect 
 bloomin' idjet at drill, always a throwin' us out. Jawin' with 'er made 
 me a bit late for parade, but our leftenant didn't seem to mind for a 
 wonder. Usuallv 'is temper's awful if things don't go as he likes. 
 
 93 K
 
 Our 5<3ttdlion. 
 
 He cocked 'is bloomin' eye-glass at me, tho', in a way as made me 
 think 'e was going to start cussin'. Twasn't bad with all the village 
 looking on, an' we marched oft" in style. 
 
 Got told off to the baggage guard at the station. Blessed if I 
 don't think it was for being late for p'rade. Warn't sorry when the 
 train started, as one of the chaps 'ad got hold of four bottles of beer 
 as was all right. Just before the train stops our Serjint, 'e ses, 
 " Look after our own company's baggage, an' never mind what 
 anybody ses." But we 'adn't more than about started when a 
 officer on a horse comes along an' wants to know who's in charge 
 an' where is 'e. I tells 'im, an' then he ses we can't be all dav over 
 the job, an' we're to put all this lot into that truck. We ses we was 
 told to put it in t'other. " Put it where / tell vou," 'e ses. Bimeby 
 along comes our offcer, an' just takes one look at us, an' then started 
 fairly in. As our Corp'ril said afterwards, it were a treat. I'd 'ave 
 given the price of a pint to 'ave been able to sit still an' listen to 
 'im, an' yet to look at 'im in the ordinary* way you'd think he couldn't 
 get further than " Dash it all ! " Then up comes the off'cer on the 
 'orse. "Are you in charge of this guard?" ses 'e. "Yes," ses our 
 ofPcer. " Well, you'll never get away at this rate, an' there's three 
 more Battalions to detrain after you, an' I must 'ave those trucks back 
 from the camp by si.\ o'clock." " Very good ; they will be here," ses 
 our man. "Not at this rate," ses t'other. "My dear fellow," ses our 
 off"'cer, " my men aint regulars, but thev can manage it all right in 
 their own way if you'll leave 'em alone ; but you're simplv muddlin' 
 us up now." "Can't help that," ses t'other. "I'm only responsible 
 for the trucks, and they must be got away at once." " I'm responsible 
 for the baggage," ses our man. " Either leave the job to me or take 
 the whole thing over." "Oh, do as you like. I don't care a damn," 
 ses the one on the 'orse. " No more do I," ses our off'cer. So we 
 gets it together somehow an' marches oft", the bloomin' traction-engine 
 a-goin' about five miles an 'our an' we tryin' to keep up, all of us 
 
 94
 
 Our 5^ttdlion. 
 
 cussin' at everything. Don't catch me on a baggage guard again in a 
 'urry. 
 
 Sunday. — Bit tired to-day. Couldn't get much sleep las' night ; 
 some of the chaps 'adn't been to camp afore, an' wouldn't shake 
 down quiet. Kep' growlin' at everything. Offcer comes round wantin' 
 to know what the noise were about. I tells 'im as George Hitchins 
 'udn't shut up, an' let us get to sleep. "'It 'im on the 'ed with a 
 boot," ses the ofTcer, an' I 'ad a bloomin' good mind to. Church 
 p'rade in the mornin'. Never 'eard a blessed word till we got to the 
 hymns. Dinner pretty right, but could 'ave done with more of it. 
 Beer at the canteen not 'arf as good as we gets at the old " King's 
 Arms." Went out with some of our chaps in the afternoon an' 'ad a 
 sleep in a wood. Not 'arf a bad day. If t'were goin' to be all same 
 as this, I wouldn't mind. 
 
 Monday. — Jack Houghton, as was Tent Orderly to-day, goes an' trips 
 over one of the tent ropes when he were bringing the coffee, an' spilt 
 most of it. Tried to get some more, but couldn't, so docked 'im 
 of 'is share ; even then we was precious short. Section drill all 
 the morning. Never saw the off'cers so savage — nothing would 
 please them ; they're fairly easy all the year, but they makes up 
 for it in camp. Not but what some of the chaps want it — lots oi 'em 
 goes on enough to break a feller's 'eart, an' then we all gets the 
 blame. 
 
 That there Houghton got hold of the wrong kettle at dinner an' 
 come back with No. 5's grub, which, as they're only seven in their 
 tent to our eight, warn't good enough. Complained to the offcer as 
 come round. 'E said if we couldn't look after ourselves better than 
 that, we must take the consequences. That's all verv fine, but it 
 don't feed us. Made Houghton stand 'arf a gallon to the tent. 'E 
 ses camp's a bloomin' swindle. If there's one thing I 'ates it is 
 
 95
 
 Our 5«^ttdlion. 
 
 cleaninfj up the camp ; the other companies chucks their rubbish into 
 our Hnes, but t'aint no use to say so, you only j^ets shut up. 
 
 Got jawed at for a bit o' dirt in my rifle as you couldn't see. "Clean 
 it again," ses our Leftenanl. " I've cleaned the thing forty times," I ses. 
 
 L a »"^ 
 
 On the Range. 
 
 " Forty-one's your lucky number," 'e ses ; " try again." Went for a 
 stroll in the evenin', but these 'ere camps is too far away iVom anything 
 to please me. 
 
 Tuesday. — My day as Tent Orderly. I never see such a lot of chaps 
 to grumble as our tent. P'ust of all the bread warn't right, then I 
 'adn't got enough coffee, an' the bacon was done too much — why 'adn't 
 
 96
 
 Our 5^ttdlion. 
 
 I kicked up a row? "Look 'ere," I ses, " 3'ou bloomin' well take wot 
 you gets, an' if you aint satisfied you complain to the off'cer of the day; 
 'e won't stand much of yer lip. I know my work," I ses, " an' I done it." 
 
 Had to peel a reg'lar pile of taters, twice as many as they ought to 
 want. "There," 1 ses to our company cook, " 'ow's that?" " Whv, 
 you've bin an' wasted nigh on 'arf of 'em," 'e ses. " An' then yer tent 
 will be hollerin' out as I cheats 'em. / know 'em," 'e ses. An' sure 
 enough they did, only it were the gravy as they didn't like this time. 
 I shall be bloomin' glad when I'm a Sergint, an' 'as a mess to ourselves. 
 'Ad narrow shave of being late for p'rade. You aint got no time to 
 spare when you're Orderly. 
 
 Thought nothing would satisfy our off'cers to-day. We was trying 
 all sorts of things like they does 'em at the war, an' we was fairlv sick 
 of it, but the Colonel 'e rides by an' sings out as we was the best 
 company 'e'd seen that morning, so that was all right, an' we didn't 
 mind being shoved about. 
 
 Wednesday. — We was practised in advanced guard the first thing 
 this morning, all the companies working separate. After a bit, I'm 
 blowed if yer could tell what any of 'em was at, they was so mixed 
 up. Afore we starts, our Captain 'e explains to us what we was supposed 
 to do ; 'e may 'ave understood what 'e was drivin' at, but I'm blest 
 if any of us did. 'Owever, after a bit I begins to see what we was meant 
 to be doin', an' bimeby the Captain 'e tells me to take two men as a 
 patrol to examine a wood as was near by. D'rectly we was out of 
 sight one of 'em starts playin' the goat, till I gives 'im a shove in the 
 back wi' the butt just to remind 'im as I was in command. The 
 Major come along jist then an' asks me what we was ? I tells 'im as 
 we were a patrol, an' 'e tells me the proper way to do it, an' what to 
 report to the Captain. 
 
 After breakfast we was out again doin' outposts. Wish thev wouldn't 
 'ave so much make believe about it. Supposin' now thev puts yer 
 
 97
 
 Our 5<^ttdlion. 
 
 in a group as sentries. "The henemv," they ses, "is somewhere over 
 there, an' you've to watch that bit o' countrv in front of you ; the counter- 
 sign's ' Bunkum,' an' you've to keep under cover." Well, there aint no 
 henemv, an' nothin' aint goin' to 'appen, an' ver wouldn't know wot 
 to do if it did, so you just lies down an' smokes till the " assembly " goes, 
 an' then you comes back. It ma\' teach officers something, but it 
 don't teach us much. 
 
 As we was out for the day only 'ad a sort o' bread an' water picnic 
 instead of dinner, which we 'as when we gets back to camp. We 
 was put through what they calls an attack drill after, but I didn't think 
 much of it ; started off with about twenty vards between you an' the 
 next man, an' then as we advanced, they comes crowdin' up from be'ind 
 till the firin' line were like a bloomin' football scrimmage, with about 
 four different Battalions all atop o' one another, an' loosin' off right 
 an' left whether they was in front or be'ind. " 'Ere," I ses to Ted 
 Parminter, "this aint no place for us, it's too bloomin' dangerous. I'm 
 going to be a casualty." An' we drops be'ind. " Wot bally rot ! " I 
 'card one off'cer say, an' I quite agreed with 'im. 
 
 Thursday. — Everyone 'ad to clean the bloomin' camp twice over 
 to-day, as we was to be inspected. I niver seen such a place for getting 
 dirty ; you brushes yerself down an' blacks ver boots an' polishes up 
 yer rifle, an' in ten minutes you are that covered in dust as you look 
 as if vou 'adn't washed for a week. 
 
 Got sent out with a patrol again. Saw a General ridin' along our 
 way, so we got be'ind an 'edge till 'e'd gone bv. Just after we got back to 
 the picket another General comes along an' asks all sorts of questions, 
 an' didn't seem to think much of the answers 'e got. We was all 'oping 
 it were over for the day, when along comes a whole lot o' Generals 
 all together, and one of 'cm calls out to us to fall in. We gets up an' 
 begins dusting ourselves down a bit, when 'e veils at us for not being in 
 our places at once, an' goes for us 'ot an' strong; then 'e starts asking 
 
 98
 
 Our 5^ttdlion. 
 
 questions as made me shiver. All of a sudden 'e ses : " Who was in 
 charge of the last patrol as went out ? " The Captain calls me up, and 
 the General ses, "Where did you go?" I tells 'im I went as far as 
 the wood. " See anything of the enemy ? " 'e ses. " There weren't none 
 there," I ses. " How do you know?" ses 'e ; "you ar'n't allowed to enter 
 the woods about here." "Well, Sir," I ses, "we didn't go in, but there's 
 onlv two places where anybody could get in without doing damage, and 
 there weren't no footmarks there." " What forage can I get down 
 there ? " 'e ses. " There's about three ton o' bad 'ay. Sir, at one of the 
 cottages, but it aint worth 'aulin'," I ses, an' 'e tells me to fall back in 
 the ranks, which I was precious glad to do. Our Captain said, when 
 they was gone, as 'ow I'd answered very well, an' 'ow I ought to go for 
 a stripe. I said as I should like to. 
 
 Paraded in the afternoon for the reg'lar inspection ; was kept out in 
 the burnin' sun standing still for about two hours while another General 
 walked round an' looked at our buttons an' boots, an' found fault with 
 everv blessed thing. They seems to think yer kit is made to look at, 
 not to use. As I ses to Ted in the canteen after, " We comes to camp 
 for trainin', an' this 'ere's nothing but wastin' time, as could be done at 
 'ome anywhere. 
 
 Friday. — Revelly 'arf 'our earlier this morning, as we 'ad a longish 
 march to do. Precious 'ot it were, too, an' we were main glad to get a 
 rest before beginning operations. Don't know what we was supposed to 
 be doin', but we got posted on the side of an 'ill where we could 'ave seen 
 everything as was goin' on, but d'rectly vou gets up to 'ave a look 
 some one starts bellerin', " Lie down there ! " till we all got the bloomin' 
 'ump. After a bit they takes us back the way we come and we lav down 
 again, then they advances us up the 'ill again ; then they shifts us about 
 all over the shop, backerds an' forrards, till we didn't know where we was. 
 At last a off'cer comes galloping over to our Colonel and they seemed to 
 be 'avin' a few words, and we advances an' 'alts, advances an' 'alts, for 
 
 99
 
 Our 5<3ttdlion. 
 
 about a hour an' a 'arf, an' then just as we was fretting up to the firing 
 Hne an' thinkin' this was a bit of all right at last, the bugles go, " Cease 
 fire." " Taint fair," ses Dick Jennings ; " let's shoot the bloomin' 
 humpire." Getting back to camp were a bit thick, 'ow we did it without 
 fallin' out I don't know. No one who aint done it theirselves knows wot 
 marchin' ten mile in fours on a road two inches deep in dust is like ; yer 
 rifle weighs about a ton, an' yer water's gone at the first 'alt. The bloomin' 
 band as ought to 'ave met us an' played us 'ome, went an' lost itself, an' 
 never showed up till we was almost back to camp. Colonel 'e's give 
 out as every man is to 'ave a hextra pint issued to 'im. I ad three more 
 on my own ; 'ad a bit of a sing-song in the evenin', but we was too tired 
 to do much. 
 
 Saturday. — Regular scrimmage striking tents an' getting blankets an' 
 baggage together, but got it done some'ow — a regular nigger drivin' sort 
 of job. 
 
 Felt quite sorry when we fell in on p'rade for the last time. Camp's 
 stiffish work an' everybody grumbles, but it aint bad fun on the whole ; 
 an' after all a chap as 'as been to camp is worth half-a-dozen as 'asn't, 
 you learns things there that vou can't learn nohow else, no matter 'ow 
 clever vou are.
 
 r 
 
 ^'Xil^.^^^i 
 
 ^€^' ///^/; 
 
 uH^V' 
 
 Outposts. 
 
 Both the sentry and the group indulge in a little "Nap.
 
 BLANK ..CARTRIDGE 6 
 
 What the service would be without the Junior Subaltern the Junior 
 Subaltern cannot imaj^ine. 
 
 r 
 
 Do not anathematize the genius who formulates the Regulations. He 
 is quite right, if you could but understand him. 
 
 Gun practice with obsolete weapons is instructive. One cannot know 
 too much of the history of one's country. 
 
 r 
 
 A SEALED pattern at the War Office is something different from the kit 
 you have just purchased. 
 
 I02
 
 o 
 
 At Last ! 
 
 Private Jones having contrived to sit upon his bayonet, the various ambulances and 
 bearer sections get a look in. 
 
 104 — 105 
 
 o
 
 Our gdttdlion. 
 
 The expenses of the officer's dress should be reduced whenever 
 possible. Abolish ten shillings worth of lace, and substitute three buttons 
 at three-and-sixpence apiece. There is only a slight difference, but ever)' 
 little helps. 
 
 Rifles should be cleaned veiy carefully : one man should hold the 
 rifle, and the other should manipulate the " pull-through." 
 
 The difference between field service kit and parade dress is very 
 marked. You wear out the one and grow out of the other. 
 
 107
 
 ^ ^^ ^-^ 
 
 Off Duty. 
 
 That enthusiastic Volunteer, Jack Rackett, holds that, while in camp, you 
 should consider yourself a soldier for the time being; but, he says. Tommy 
 has a " deuced good time, don't you know ! "
 
 Trouble in the Band. 
 
 Bugler: "'Ere, if you go on increasin' at this rate, Fatty, you'll 'ave to 
 send in your resignation. You won't be able to reach the middle o 
 the drum soon ! "
 
 Our 5«attdlion. 
 
 You may be traffic manager of a railway, but you cannot know as 
 much about a baggage train as a Second Lieutenant in the Army 
 Service Corps who has been at it for a week. 
 
 r 
 
 Now this is the creed of the Subaltern . — 
 
 The Subaltern knows everything and does ever\-thing. 
 The Captain knows (?) everything and does nothing. 
 The Major knows nothing and does nothing. 
 
 i,"n, '//H"/,r0 '"^/ ivn/ iff 
 
 There is such a thing as too much enthusiasm, and when, after 
 joining the Signalling section, Edwin's fond epistles took the above form, 
 Angelina decided that it was time to break off the engagement. 
 
 r 
 
 If you want to know anything always ask the Adjutant ; recollect 
 that he has nothing to do but to attend to you. 
 
 r 
 
 No water-cart is perfect. You may abuse it without incurring rebuke. 
 
 r 
 
 When in doubt say you have received no instructions. 
 
 r 
 
 Many rules apply equally well in civil and military life. If you are m a 
 responsible position, never do anything till you are absolutely pushed. 
 
 no
 
 Our 5^ttdlion. 
 
 Presenting arms never killed the enemy, neither has physical drill, 
 but each helps to make a soldier. 
 
 It is curious how an indifferent shot always gets a badlv sighted rifle 
 issued to him. 
 
 " Intelligence in the obeyin' of commands," said " Tiny," " is ot the 
 utmost importance. If you are with an ofi"'cer as knows 'is work you 
 may close yer eyes and rest in peace, an' just do as you're told without 
 worryin'. But they differ. There's that little devil with the eyeglass 
 now, if 'e's takin' you an' you see me convenient to 'is elbow you can be 
 easy in your minds an' jump to the word, but if, by misfortune, 'e's out 
 there alone, keep yer wits about yer an' step off slow, for ' As you were ' 
 an' ' Mark time ' is favourite commands with 'im.' " 
 
 "Discipline is a good word; it fills the mouth and makes the chest 
 swell with the sound, but it's easier to spell than to explain," said " Tiny." 
 " I have not my patent-instalnient-plan Dictionary with me, but 'tis in 
 the nature of obedience, only more so. Any fool can do as 'e's told, but 
 the disciplined man will do it even when 'e thinks it's wrong^not, I 
 want ye to understand, just because it's an order, but because 'e ses 
 to 'imself: this is for a reason as I don't know on. F'rinstance, when 
 the father told the boy to slip into the orchard an' shin up a tree an' 
 collar all the apples 'e could, that boy didn't hesitate, but started 'tootv 
 sweet,' as the French say. Now, thinks 'e as 'e goes along, ' Wot's the 
 little game ? The apples is rotten, the dawg's about, an' the farmer '11 
 catch me for sure. It can't be for the sake of getting me a lammin', 
 cos,' says he, ' the ole man likes doin' that isself. I don't 'arf like the 
 looks of it,' 'e says, 'but I'll take me precautions: ' with that he shoves 
 a bone in 'is pocket to amuse the tripe hound if he gets too pressing, an' 
 takes a stone or two for the farmer, an' by the end of the campaign 
 
 III
 
 Our 5<ittdlion. 
 
 comes back to find that the enemy's attention 'avin<,' been diverted to 
 the orchard, the ole man 'as cleaned out the hen roost, an' there's a hot 
 supper an' fjeneral rejoicings." 
 
 'All exercises should generally conclude with a conference, at which Officers and Non- 
 commissioned Officers should be encouraged to explain any action they may have taken." 
 /'/</(• Army Orders, igoi. 
 
 J^P 
 
 112 
 
 -^U