^^ 1 l tiitf liil ^f l ^j[ < \ l jL' ^ii j j y j»»yJ<»Av''(^ k > K n IJappy He ji WHO in HIS Hor\e anr might '^MSi ''^"^^ *M "^^ BOOKS DeUGHT, ;S; J AMD swcer socierv; "likSii WHILST newHo sees MO PROFIT IN THeiR USC AMD "T^ ^4 W»»^L. Live A FOOb. rrii^^e-^rDie as grcat a goosc' "^''yi J.R. cLe^veMs ^^M. THt KNOWL£S RYCRSOMS ^7J n^^ University of California • Berkeley Gift of Dean and Mrs. Knowles Ryerson Digitized by tine Internet Archive in 2007 witii funding from IVIicrosoft Corporation littp://www.archive.org/details/bookofetiqladiesOOIiartricli THE LADIES' BOOK OF ETIQUETTE, AND MANUAL OF POLITENESS. A CQNPLETE HAND BOOK FOR THE USE OF THE LADY IN POLITE SOCIETY. wxthh diukotioks for correct vaxxers, dress, deportkent, avd coy-> ▼xkhamon; rhlbs for tbis duties of boto hostess avd guest IN morning rkceptioks, dinner companies, TISITINO, £Vliir- UiO PARTIES and balls; A COMPLETE GUIDE FOR ItSt- TKR WRITING AND CARDS OF COMPLIMENT; HIHTf OX MANAGING SERVANTS, ON THE PRESKB- ▼ATION OF HEALTH, AND OK AC- COMPLISHMENTS. OSBFDL RRCKIPTS FOR THE COMPLEXION, HAIR, AND WITH HXHTl AMD DIRECTIONS FOB THE CARE OF THE WARDROBE. BT FLORENCE HARTLEY, AITTHOB or THX " LADIES* BAND BOOK OF FANCY AND ORNAMENTAL WORE." BOSTON: LEE AND SHEPARD, PUBLISHERS. NEW YORK: LEE, SHEPARD, AND DILLINGHAM. Batered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1873^ By J. S. LOCKE & CO. 1§% tfat Office of the Librarian of Congress at Washingm. INTRODUCTION. In prcpaiing a book of etiquette for ladies, I would lay down •5 the first r lie, " Do unto others as you would others 6 riould dfl to yon " You can never be rude if you bear the rule always in mind, for what lady likes to be treated rudely? True Christian politeness will always be the result of an un- selfish regard for the feelings of others, and though you may err in the ceremonious points of etiquette, you will never be im^ polite. Politeness, founded upon such a rule, becomes the expression, in graceful manner, of social virtues. The spirit of politeness consists in a certain attention to forms and ceremonies, which are meant botH to please others and ourselves, and to make others pleased with us ; a still clearer definition may be given by saying that politeness is goodness of heart put into daily practice ; there can be no true politeness without kindness, purity, singleness of heart, and sensibilit5^ Many believe that politeness is but a mask worn in the world to conceal bad passions and impulses, and to make a show of possessing virtues not really existing in the heart ; thus, that politeness is merely hypocrisy and dissimulation. Do not be- lieve this ; be certain that those who profess such a loctrino are practising themselves the deceit they condemn so much Such people scout politeness, because, to be truly a lady on» 3 4 INTEODUCTION. must cany the principles into every circumstance of life, inU the family circle, the most intimate friendship, and never forget to extend the gentle courtesies of life to every one. This they find too much trouble, and so deride the idea of being polit-e and call it deceitfulness. True politeness is the language of a good heart, and those possessing that heart will never, under any circumstances, be rude. They may not enter a crowded saloon gracefully ; they may be entirely igrorant of the forms of good s( Jiety ; they may be awkward at table, un grammatical in speech ; but they will never be heard speaking so as to wound the feelings of another ; they will never be seen making others uncomfortable by seek- ing solely for their own personal convenience ; they will always endeavor to set every one around them at ease ; they will be scU'-sacrificing, friendlj^ unselfish ; truly in word and dead, polite. Give to such a woman the knowledge of the forms and customs of society, teach her how best to show the gentle courtesies of life, and you have a laJi/, created by God, only indebted for the outward polish to the world. It is true that society demands this same unselfishness and courtesy, but when there is no heart in the work, the time is frittered away on the mere ceremonies, forms of etiquette, and fustoms of society, and this politeness seeks only its own ends ; .o be known as courteous, spoken of as lady-like, and not be- loved as unselfish and womanly. Etiquette exists in some form in all countries, has existed and will exist in all ages. From the rudest savage who dares not approach his ignorant, barbaroas ruler without certain forms and ceremonies, to the most polished courts in Europe, or the home circles of America, etiquette reigns. True politeness will be found, its basis in the human heart, the same in all these varied scenes and situations, but the out- ward forms of etiquette will vary everywhere. Even in the same scene, time will alter every form, and render the exquisite polish of last year, obsolete rudeness next year. Politeness, being based upon real kindness of heart, cannot iXLst where there is selfishness or brutality to warp its growth. « INTRODUCTION. It IS founded upon love of the neighbor, and a desire to be be loved, and to show love. Thus, where such pure, noble feel- ings do not exist, the mere forms of politeness become hy- pocrisy and deceit. Rudeness will repel, where courtesy would attract friends. Never by word or action notice the defects of another ; be charitable, for all need charity. Remember who said, " liCt liim that is without fault cast the first stone." Remember that the laws of politeness require the consideration of the feelings of other-j ; the endeavor to make every one feel at ease ; and frank courtesy towards all. Never meet rudeness in others with rudeness upon J'our own part; even the most brutal and impolite will be more shamed by being met with courtesy and kindness, than by any attempt to annoy them by insolence on your part. Politeness forbids any display of resentment. The polished Burface throws back the arrow. Remember that a favor becomes doubly valuable if granted with courtesy, and that the pain of a refusal may be softened if the manner expresses polite regret. Kindness, even to the most humble, will never lose anything by being ofiered in a gentle, courteous manner, and the most common-place action will admit of grace and ease in its exccu- tioQ. Let every action, while it is finished in strict accordance with etiquette, be, at the same time, easy, as if dictated solely by the heart. To be truly polite, remember you must be polite at all times, •nd under all circumstauces. CONTENTS. CHAPTER L riti ^>BTBB8ATI0V*««MM«* ••••••••••••«•••••«•••*•••••••••••••••• •••••••••••••• «••*••• »• U CHAPTER IL DSK88m*»«»«««««m««** ••••••••••••••••••••>••••■••«•••••••••«••••••••••••••• •#■•••••••••••• SJ CHAPTER IIL XXATSUHCIc •••••• •••••• •••••■••• •••«•• ••••••••• •••••••••••• ••••••••• •••••• • »««»»«»> •••••• Ml CHAPTER IV. How TO BXHATS AT JL HOTXL. m— .mm— •••<••. mm* . mm 41 CHAPTER V. Btxxixo Pabtizs— Etiquette for the Ho8te8f....M.M...MMM«..MMMMM:M 44 CHAPTER VL iTzimro Partus— Etiquette for the Qae8t............M.MM..MMMM«MM.. 14 CHAPTER VIL V^sxTiHG— Btiqnette for the Hostesi • mm.mmmm M CHAPTER VIIL Vmnvo— Etiquette for the Quest.. m...m m..mm.m^m MMMMt 64 T S CONTENTS. CHAPTER IX. MoBXiNG Receptions or Calls — Etiquetto for the Hostess ..>.. 76 CHAPTER X. MoaxixG Recsptioks or Calls — Etiquette for the Caller....... .......... 81 CHAPTER XL pDnrxR CouPAHT— Etiquette for the Hostess..... ,«........ 87 CHAPTER XII. DnnrKB Coicpaht — Etiquette for the Guest »..•<« .mm.... 97 CHAPTER XIII. Table Etiquetts 105 CHAPTER XIV. CoimvcT nr the Street.. 109 CHAPTER XV. LiTTBB WRimro.. m.............. ...... 116 CHAPTER XVL PouTB Deportment and good Habits 141 CHAPTER XVII. CoHDVCT XH Chubcb .» 154 CHAPTER XVIIL Ball boom Etiquette — For the Hostess ...»..••» 158 CHAPTER XIX. Sa&Ii BOOM Etiqttettb — For the Guest 166 CHAPTER XX. (^CBS or Amvibmbvt... .....^.. .;;..;...;..; i....v..« >«•. 171 CONTENTS. 9 CHAPTER XXL 4CC0MPLISnUKNTS « .... ... 17i CHAPTER XXII. Rbrtants 2SS CHAPTER XXIIL Om A foniro Ladt's Conduct when coktemplatino Marriaob 2H CHAPTER XXIV. Bkidal Etiquktts 259 CHAPTER XXV. HiHTS ON Health .«^.......... 364 CHAPTER XXVI. IClSCELLANXOUS ^......m.... S8S RECEIPTS. Fob tu Compleziov, Ao ..••..•..* ..^..^.m— .— ».m.m....... tiS LADIES' BOOK OF ETIQUETTE CHAPTER I. CONVERSATION. The art of conversation consists in the exercise of two fine qualities. You must originate, and jou must sym- pathize ; you must possess at the same time the habit of communicating and of listening attentively. The union is rare but irresistible. None but an excessively ill-bred person will allow her attention to wander from the per- son with whom she is conversing; and especially she "will never, while seeming to be entirely attentive to her com- panion, answer a remark or question made to another person, in another group. Unless the conversation be general among a party of friends, confine your remarks and attention entirely to the person with whom you are conversing. Steele says, " I would establish but one great general rule in conversation, which is this- -th^^ people should not talk to please themselves, but tnose who hear them. This would make them consider whethei 11 12 LADIES* BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. what they speak be worth hearing; whether there be either wit or sense in what they are about to say ; and whether it be adapted to the time when, the place where, and the person to whom, it is spoken." Be careful in conversation to avoid topics which may be supposed to have any direct reference to events or circumstances which may be painful for your companion to hoar discussed ; you may unintentionally start a sub- ject which annoys or troubles the friend with whom you may be conversing ; in that case, do not stop abruptly, when you perceive that it causes pain, and, above all, do not make the matter worse by apologizing ; turn to an- other subject as soon as possible, and pay no attention to the agitation your unfortunate remark may have ex- cited. Many persons will, for the sake of appearing witty or smart, wound the feelings of another deeply ; avoid this ; it is not only ill-bred, but cruel. Remember that having all the talk sustained by one person is not conversation ; do not engross all the atten- tion yourself, by refusing to allow another person an op- portunity to speak, and also avoid the other extreme of total silence, or answering only in monosyllables. If your companion relates an incident or tells a story, be very careful not to interrupt her by questions, even if you do not clearly understand her; wait until she has finished her relation, and then ask any questions you may desire. There is nothing more annoying than to be so int:;rrupted. I have heard a story told to an impertinent listener, which ran in this way : — ** I saw a fearful sight — ** "When?" CONVERSATION. 13 "I was about to tell you; last Monday, on the train — " "What train?" " The train from B . We were near the bridge—" , "What bridge?" " I will tell you all about it, if you will only let me epeak. I was coming from B " " Last Monday, did you say ?" and so on. The story was interrupted at every sentence, and the relator condemned as a most tedious story-teller, when, had he been permitted to go forward, he would have made the incident interesting and short. Never interrupt any one who is speaking. It is very ill-bred. If you see that a person to whom you wish to speak is being addressed by another person, never speak until she has heard and replied; until her conversation with that person is finished. No truly polite lady ever breaks in upon a conversation or interrupts another speaker. Never, in speaking to a married lady, enquire for her hushandy or, if a gentleman, ask for his wife. The ele- gant way is to call the absent party by their name ; ask Mr. Smith how Mrs Smith is, or enquire of Mrs. Jones for Mr. Jones, but never for "your husband" or "your wife." On the other hand, if you are married, never speak of your husband as your "lord," "husband," or "good man," avoid, also, unless amongst relatives, call- ing him by his Christian name. If you wish others to respect him, show by speaking of him in respectful terms that you do so yourself. If either your own husband or your friend's is in the army or navy, or can claim the Dr., Prof., or any other prefix to his name, there is no 14 ladies' book of etiquette. impropriety in speaking of him as the colonel, doctor or whatever his title may be. It is a mark of ill-breeding to use French phrases or words, unless you are sure your companion is a French scholar, and, even then, it is best to avoid them. Above all, io not use any foreign word or phrase, unless you hav2 the language perfectly at your command. I heard a lady once use a Spanish quotation ; she had mastered that one sentence alone ; but a Cuban gentleman, de- lighted to meet an American who could converse with him in his own tongue, immediately addressed her in Spanish. Embarrassed and ashamed, she was obliged to confess that her knowledge of the language was con- fined to one quotation. Never anticipate the point or joke of any anecdote told in your presence. If yon have heard the story be- fore, it may be new to others, and the narrator should always be allowed to finish it in his own words. To take any sentence from the mouth of another person, before he has time to utter it, is the height of ill-breeding. Avoid it carefully. Never use the phrases, "What-d-ye call it," "Thin- gummy," "What's his name," or any such substitutes for a proper name or place. If you cannot recall the names you wish to use, it is better not to tell the story or incident connected with them. No lady of high beeding will ever use these substitutes in conversation. Be careful always to speak in a distinct, clear voice ; ftt the same time avoid talking too loudly, there is a happy medium between mumbling and screaming. Strive to attain it. CONVERSATION. 15 Overlook the deficiencies of others when conversing with them, as they may be the results of ignorance, and impossible to correct. Never pain another person by correcting, before others, a word or phrase mispronounced or ungrammatically constructed. If your intimacy will allow it, speak of the fault upon another occasion, kindly and privately, or let it pass. Do not be continually watching for faults, that you may display your OAvn su- perior wisdom in correcting them. Let modesty and kind feeling govern your conversation, as other rules of life. If, on the other hand, your companion uses worda or expressions which you cannot understand, do not af- fect knowledge, or be ashamed of your ignorance, but frankly ask for an explanation. In conversing with professional gentlemen, never question them upon matters connected with their em- ployment. An author may communicate, voluntarily, in- formation interesting to you, upon the subject of his works, but any questions from you would be extremely rude. If you meet a physician who is attending a friend, you may enquire for their progress, but do not expect him to give you a detailed account of the disease and his manner of treating it. The same rule applies to questioning lawyers about their clients, artists on their paintings, merchants or mechanics of their several branches of business. Professional or business men, when with ladies, generally wish for miscellaneous sub- jects of- conversation, and, as their visits are foi recrea- tion, they will feel excessively annoyed if obliged to *'talk shop." Still many men can converse on no other subject than their every day employment. In this case 16 LADIES' BOOK OF ETIQUEITE. listen politely, and show your interest.. You will proba* bly gain useful information in such conversation. Never question the veracity of any statement made in general conversation. If you are certain a statement is false, and it is injurious to another person, who may be absent, you may quietly and courteously inform tho speaker that he is mistaken, but if the falsehood is of no consequence, let it pass. If a statement appears monstrous, but you do not hnow that it is false, listen, but do not question its veracity. It may be true, though it strikes you as improbable. Never attempt to disparage an absent friend. It is the height of meanness. If others admire her, and you do not, let them have their opinion in peace ; you will probably fail if you try to lower her in their esteem, and gain for yourself the character of an ill-natured, envious person. In conversing with foreigners, if they speak slight ingly of the manners of your country, do not retort rudely, or resentfully. If their views are wronrj, con- verse upon the subject, giving them frankly your views, but never retaliate by telling them that some custom of their own country is worse. A gentleman or lady of true refinement will always give your words candid con- sideration, and admit that an American may possibly know the customs of her country better than they do, and if your opponent is not well-bred, jour rudeneza will not improve his manners. Let the convn^rsation upon national subjects be candid, and at the same time «ourteDus, and leave him to think that the la ins in CONVERSATION. Vi America are well-bred, however much he may dislike some little national peculiarity. Avoid, at all times, mentioning subjects or incidents that can in any way disgust your hearers. Many persons will enter into the details of sicknesses which should be mentioned only when absolutely necessary, or describe the most revolting scenes before a room full of people, or even at table. Others speak of vermin, noxious plants, or instances of uncleanliness. All such conversation or allusion is excessively ill-bred. It is not only annoying, but absolutely sickening to some, and a truly lady-like person will avoid all such topics. I cannot too severely censure the habit of using sen- tences which admit of a double meaning. It is not only ill-bred, but indelicate, and' no person of true refinement will ever do it. If you are so unfortunate as to converse with one who uses such phrases, never by word, look, or sign show that you understand any meaning beyond the plain, outspoken language. Avoid always any discussion upon religious topics, unless you are perfectly certain that your remarks can- not annoy or pain any one p^'esent. If you are tete-^- t6te with a friend, and such a discussion arise, inquire your companion's church and mention your own, that you may yourself avoid unpleasant remarks, and caution him. Never, when advancing an opinion, assert positively that a thing "w so,*' but give your opinion as an opin- ion. Say, " I think this is so," or '* these are wzy views," but remember that your companion may be better in- formed upon the subject under discussion, or, where it is 18 ladies' book of etiquette. a mere matter of taste or feeling, do not expect mat al] the world ■will feel exactly as you do. Never repeat to a person with whom you converse, any unpleasant speech you may have heard concerning her. If you can give her pleasure by the repetition of a deli- cate compliment, or token of approval shown by a mutual friend, tell her the pleasant speech or incident, but do not hurt her feelings, or involve her in a quarrel by tho repetition of ill-natured remarks. Amongst well-bred persons, every conversation is con- sidered in a measure confidential. A lady or gentleman tacitly confides in you when he (or she) tells you an in- cident which may cause trouble if repeated, and you violate a confidence as much in such a repetition, as if you were bound over to secrecy. Remember this. Never criticise a companion's dress, or indeed make any remark whatever upon it. If a near friend, you may, if sincere, admire any article, but with a mere ac- quaintance let it pass unnoticed. If, however, any acci- dent has happened to the dress, of which she is ignorant, tell her of it, and assist her in repairing the mischief. To be able to converse really well, you must read much, treasure in your memory the pearls of what you read; you must have a quick comprehension, observe passing events, and listen attentively whenever there is any opportunity of acquiring knowledge. A quick tact is necessary, too, in conversation. To converse with an entirely uneducated person upon literature, interlarding your remarks with quotations, is ill-bred. It places them in an awkward situation, and does not add to your popularity. In conversing with persons of refinement CONVERSATION. ,M and intelligence, do not endeavor to attract their admi- raticn by pouring forth every item of your own informa- tion upon the subject under consideration, but listen as vrcll as talk, and modestly follow their lead. I do not mean, to assent to any opinion they may advance, if you re illy differ in your own tastes, but do not be too ready tw show your superior judgment or information. Avci I argument ; it is not conversation, and frequently leads to ill feeling. If you are unfortunately drawn into an argument, keep your temper under perfect control, and if you find your adversary is getting too warm, endeavor to introduce some other topic. Avoid carefully any allusion to the age or personal defects of your companion, or any one who may be in the room, and be very careful in your language when* speaking of a*. stranger to another person. I have heard a lady inquire of a gentleman, *' who that frightful girl in blue could be,'* and receive the information that the lady in question was the gentleman's own sister. Be careful, when traveling, not to wound the feelings of your friends in another country or city, by underrat- ing their native place, or attempting to prove the supe- riority of your own home over theirs. Very young girls are apt to suppose, from what they observe in older ones, that there is some particular man- ner to be put on, in talking to gentlemen, and, not knowing exactly what it is, they are embarrassed and reserved ; others observe certain airs and looks, used by their elders in this intercourse, and try to imitate them, as a necessary part of company behaviours, and, so be- come affected, and lose that first of charms, simplicity, 20 LADIES* BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. naturjil grace. To such, let me say, your companions are in error ; it requires no peculiar manner, nothing to be put on, in order to converse with gentlemen, any more than with ladies ; and the more pure and elevated your Bentiments are, and the better cultivated your intellect IS, tlie easier will you find it to converse pleasantly with all. One good rule can be always followed by young la- dies ; to converse with a lady friend as if there were gen- tlemen present, and to converse with a gentleman as if in the room with other ladies. Avoid affectation ; it is the sure test of a deceitful, vulgar mind. The best cure is to try to have those vir- tues which you would affect, and then they will appear naturailj. CHAPTER i:. DRESS. " A LADY is never so well dressed as when you cannot remember what she wears." No truer remark than the above was ever made. Such an effect can only be produced where every part of the dress harmonizes entirely with the other parts, where each color or shade suits the wearer's style completely, and where there is perfect neatness in each detail. One glaring color, or conspicuous article, would entirely mar the beauty of such a dress. It is, unfortunately, too much the custom in America to wear any article, or shape in make, that is fashionable, without any regard to tho style of the person purchasing goods. If it is the fashion it must be worn, though it may greatly exaggerate a slight personal defect, or conceal or mar what would otherwise be a beauty. It requires the exercise of some judgment to decide how far an individual may follow the dictates of fashion, in order to avoid the appearance of eccen- tricity, and yet wear what is peculiarly becoming to her own face or figure. Another fault of our fair country- women is their extravagance in dress. No better advico can be given to a young person than to dress always ac^ 21 22 LADIES* BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. cording to her circumstances. She will be more re» Bpected with a simple wardrobe, if it is known either that she is dependent upon her own exertions for support, or is saving a husband or father from unnecessary outlay, than if she wore the most costly fabrics, and by so doing incurred debt or burdened her relatives with heavy, un- warrantable expense. If neatness, consistency, and good taste, preside over the wardrobe of a lady, ex- pensive fabrics will not be needed; for with the simpk.n materials, harmony of color, accurate fitting to the figure, and perfect neatness, she will always appear well dressed. GENERAL ivtJLES. Neatness — This is the first of all rules to be ob- served with regard to dress. Perfect cleanliness and careful adjustment of each article in the dress are indis- pensable in a finished toilet. Let the hair be always smooth and becomingly arranged, each article exquisitely clean, neat collar and sleeves, and tidy shoes and stock- ings, and the simplest dress will appear well, while a torn or soiled collar, rough hair, or untidy feet will en- tirely ruin the effect of the most costly and elaborate dress. The many articles required in a lady's wardrobe make a neat arrangement of her drawers and closets cecessary, and also require care in selecting and keeping goods in proper order. A fine collar or lace, if tumbled or soiled, will lose its beauty when contrasted with the same article in the coarsest material perfectly pure and smooth. Each article of dress, when taken off, should be placed carefully and smoothly in its proper place. "^icQ dresses should be hung up by a loop on the inside DRESS. 2^ of the waistband, with the skirts turned inside out, and the body turned inside of the skirt. Cloaks should hang in smooth folds from a loop on the inside of the neck. Shawls should be always folded in the creases in which they were purchased. All fine articles, lace, embroidery, and handkerchiefs, should be placed by themselves in a drawer, always laid out smoothly, and kept from dust. Furs should be kept in a box, alone, and in summer carefully packed, with a quantity of lump camphor to protect from moths. The bonnet should always rest upon a stand in the band-box, as the shape and trimming will both be injured by letting it lie either on the face, Bides, or crown. Adaptiveness — Let each dress worn by a lady be suitable to the occasion upon which she wears it. A toilet may be as offensive to good taste and propriety by being too elaborate, as by being slovenly. Never wear a dress which is out of place or out of season under the impression that "it will do for once," or "nobody will notice it." It is in as bad taste to receive your morning calls in an elaborate evening dress, as it would be to at- tend a ball in your morning wrapper. Harmony — To appear well dressed without harmony, both in color and materials, is impossible. When ar- ranging any dress, whether for home, street, or evening, be careful that each color harmonizes well with the rest, and let no one article, by its glaring costliness, make all the rest appear mean. A costly lace worn over a thin, flimsy silk, will only make the dress appear poorer, not, as some suppose, hide its defects. A rich trimming looks as badly upon a cheap dress, as a mean one does %i ladies' book of etiquette. upon an expensive fabric. Observe this rule always in purchasing goods. One costly article will entirely ruia the harmony in a dress, which, without it, though plain and inexpensive, would be becoming and beautiful. Do not save on the dress or cloak to buy a more elaborate bonnet, but let the cost be well equalized and the effect will be good. A plain merino or dark silk, with a cloth cloak, will look much better than the most expensive "velvet cloak over a cheap delaine dress. Fashion — Do not be too submissive to the dictates of fashion ; at the same time avoid oddity or eccentricity in your dress. There are some persons who will follow, in defiance of taste and judgment, the fashion to its most extreme point ; this is a sure mark of vulgarity. Every new style of dress will admit of adaptation to in- dividual cases, thus producing a pleasing, as well as fashionable effect. Not only good taste, but health is often sacrificed to the silly error of dressing in the ex- treme of fashion. Be careful to have your dress com- fortable and becoming, and let the prevailing mode come into secondary consideration ; avoiding, always, the other extreme of oddity or eccentricity in costume. Style and form of dress — Be always careful when making up the various parts of your wardrobe, that each article fits you accurately. Not in the outside garments alone must this rule be followed, an ill-fitting pair of corsets, or wrinkles in any other article of the un lei • clothes, will make a dress set badly, even if it has been itself fitted with the utmost accuracy. A stocking which is too large, will make the boot uncomfortably tight, and too small will compress the foot, making the shoe loose DRESS. 2& and untidy. In a dress, no outlay upon the material ■will compensate for a badly fitting garment. A cheap calico made to fit the form accurately and easily, will give tho wearer a more lady-like air than the richest silk which either wrinkles or is too tightly strained over the figure. Cellars or sleevos, pinned over or tightly strained to inact. will entirely mar the effect of the prettiest dress. Economy — And by economy I do not mean meie cheapness. To buy a poor, flimsy fabric merely because the price is low, is extravagance, not economy; still worse if you buy articles because they are off"ered cheap, when you have no use for them. In purchasing goods for the wardrobe, let each material be the best of its kind. The same amount of sewing that is put into a good material, must be put into a poor one, and, as the latter will very soon wash or wear out, there must be an- other one to supply its place, purchased and made up, when, by buying a good article at first, this time and hibor might have been saved. A good, strong material will be found cheapest in the end, though the actual ex- penditure of money may be larger at first. Comfort — Many ladies Have to trace months of se vera suff^ering to an improper ^^regard of comfort, in preparing their wardrobe, or in exposure after they are dressed. The most exquisite ball costume will never compensate for the injury done by tight lacing, the prettiest foot is dearly paid for by the pain a tight boot entails, and the most graceful effects will not prevent Duff'ering from exposure to cold. A light ball dress and exquisite arrangement of the hair, too often make the wearer dare the inclemency of the coldest night, by 25 LADIES* BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. wearing a llglit sliawl or hood, to prevent crushing deli cato lace or flowers. Make it a fixed rule to have tho head, feet, and chest well protected when going to a party, even at the risk of a crushed flower or a stray curl. Many a fair head has been laid in a coffin, a vijtiin to consumption, from rashly venturing out of a heated ball room, flushed and excited, with only a liglH protection against keen night air. The excitement of the occasion may prevent immediate discomfort in such cases, but it adds to the subsequent danger. Details — Be careful always that the details of your dress are perfectly finished in every point. The small articles of a wardrobe require constant care to keep in perfect order, yet they will wofully revenge themselves if neglected. Let the collar, handkerchief, boots, gloves, and belts be always whole, neat, and adapted to the dress. A lace collar will look as badly over a chintz dress, as a linen one would with velvet, though each may be perfect of its kind. Attention to these minor points are sure tests of taste in a lady's dress. A shabby or ill fitting boot or glove will ruin the most elaborate walking dress, while one of much plainer make and coarser fabric will be becoming and lady-like, if all the details are accurately fitted, clean, and well put on. In arranging a dress for every occasion, be careful that there is no missing string, hook, or button, that the folds hang well, and that every part is even and properly ad- justei. Let the skirts hang smoothly, the outside ones being always about an inch longer than the under ones ; let the dress set smoothly, carefully hooked or buttoned ; let tne collar fit neatly, and be fastened firmly and DEESS. 27 smoothly at the throat ; let shoes and stockings be whole, clean, and fit nicely ; let the hair be smooth and glossy, the skin pure, and the colors and fabric of your dress harmonize and be suitable for the occasion, and you Mfill always appear both lady-like and well-dressed. HOME DRESSES. MoRXiNa Dress — The most suitable dress for break- fast, is a wrapper made to fit the figure loosely, and tho material, excepting when the winter weather requi:ea woolen goods, should be of chintz, ginghaip, brilliante, or muslin. A lady who has children, or one accustomed to perform for herself light household duties, will soon find the advantage of wearing materials that will wash. A large apron of domestic gingham, which can be taken oiF, if the wearer is called to see unexpected visiters, will protect the front of the dress, and save washing the wrapper too frequently. If a lady's domestic duties re- quire her attention for several hours in the morning, whilst her list of acquaintances is large, and she has frequent morning calls, it is best to dress for callers be- fore breakfast, and wear over this dress a loose sack and skirt of domestic gingham. This, while protecting the dress perfectly, can be taken off at a moment's notice if callers are announced. Married ladies often wear a cap in the morning, and lately, young girls have adopted tho fashion. It is much better to let the hair be per fectly smooth, requiring no cap, which is often worn to conceal the lazy, slovenly arrangement of the hair. A few mo- ments given to making the hair smooth and presentable nithout any covering, will not be wasted. Slippers of 28 LADIES* BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. embroidered cloth are prettiest -with a wrapper, and in summer black murocco is the most suitable for the ho\i30 in the morning. Dress for Morning Visits — A lady should nevor receive her morning callers in a wrapper, unless they call at an unusually early hour, or some unexpected demand upon her time makes it impossible to change her dress after breakfast. On the other hand, an elaborate cos- tume before dinner is in excessively bad taste. The dress should be made to fit the figure neatly, finished at the throat and wrists by an embroidered collar and cuffs, and, unless there is a necessity for it, in loss of the hair or age, there should be no cap or head dress worn. A wrapper made with handsome trimming, open over a pretty white skirt, may be worn with propriety ; but the simple dress worn for breakfast, or in the exercise of domestic duties, is not suitable for the parlor when re- ceiving visits of ceremony in the morning. Evening Dress — The home evening dress should be varied according to circumstances. If no visitor is ex- pected, the dress worn in the morning is suitable for the evening ; but to receive visitors, it should be of lighter material, and a light head-dress may be worn. For young ladies, at home, ribbon or velvet are the most suitable materials for a head-dress. Flowers, unless they be natural ones in summer, are in very bad taste, excepting in cases where a party of invited guests are expected. Dark silk in winter, and thin material in summer, make the most suitable dresses for evening, and the reception of tn^ chance-guests ladies in society may Usually expect. DRESS. 29 Walking Dresses — Walking dresses, to "be in good taste, should be of quiet colors, and never conspicuous. Browns, modes, and neutral tints, with hlack and white, make the prettiest dresses for the street. Ahove all, avoid wearing several bright colors. One may be worn with perfect propriety to take off the sombre eflect of a dress of brown or black, but do not let it be too glaring, ^nd wear but little of it. Let the boots be sufficiently strong and thick to protect the feet from damp or dust, and wear always neat, clean, nicely fitting gloves. The entire effect of the most tasteful costume will be ruiii^d if attention is not paid to the details of dress. A soilea bonnet cap, untidy strings, or torn gloves and collar will utterly spoil the prettiest costume. There is no surer mark of vulgarity than over dressing or gay dressing in the street. Let the materials be of the costliest kind, if you will, but do not either wear the exaggerations of the fashion, or conspicuous colors. Let good taste dic- tate the limits where fashion may rule, and let the colors harmonize well, and be of such tints as will not attract attention. For Morning Calls — The dress should be plain, and in winter furs and dark gloves may be worn. For Bridal Calls — The dress should be of light Bilk, the bonnet dressy, and either a rich shawl r light cloak ; no furs, and light gloves. In summer, a, lac9 or silk mantle and white gloves should be worn. Shopping Dresses — Should be of such material aa will bear the crush of a crowded store without injury, an 1 neither lace or delicate fabrics should ever be worn. A. dress of merino in winter, with a cloth cloak and 80 LADIES' BOOK OP FlIQUETTB. plain velvet or silk bonnet is the most suitable. In summer, a dress and cloak of plain mode-C(ilored Lavella cloth, or anj other cool but strong fabric, with a simply trimmed straw bonnet, is the best dress for a shopping excursion. Storm Dresses — A lady who is obliged to go out frequently in bad weather, will find it both a convenience and economy to have a storm dress. Both dress ant^ cloak should be made of a woolen material, (varying of course with the season,) which will shed water. White gkirts are entirely out of place, as, if the dress is held up, they will be in a few moments disgracefully dirty. A woolen skirt, made quite short, to clear the muddy streets, is the proper thing. Stout, thick-soled boots, and gloves of either silk, beaver-cloth, or lisle thread, are the most suitable. The bonnet should be either of straw or felt, simply trimmed ; and, above all, carry a large umbrella. The little light umbrellas are very pretty, no doubt, but to be of any real protection in a storm, the umbrella should be large enough to protect the whole dress. Marketixg — Here a dress of the most inexpensive kind is the best. There is no surer mark of vulgarity, than a costly dress in the market. A chintz is the best skirt to wear, and in winter a dark chintz skirt put on over a delaine dress, will protect it from baskets, and the unavoidable soils contracted in a market, while it looks perfectly well, and can be washed if required. Traveling — Traveling dresses should be made always O-f some quiet color, perfectly plain, with a deep mantle »r cloak of the same material. When traveling with a DRESS. 81 ji anj^ babe, a dress of material that will wash is the best, I dt it should be dark and plain. A conspicuous traveling dress is in very bad taste, and jewelry or orna- ments i)f any kind are entirely out of place. Let the dress be made of dark, plain material, with a simple straw )r felt bonnet, trimmed with the same color as the dress, and a thick barege veil. An elastic string run through a tuck made in the middle of the veil, will allow one half to fall over the face, while the other half falls back, covering the bonnet, and protecting it from dust. If white collars and sleeves are worn, they should be of linen, perfectly plain. Strong boots and thick gloves are indispensable in traveling, and a heavy shawl should be carried, to meet any sudden change in the weather. Corsets and petticoats of dark linen are more suitable than white ones, as there is so much unavoidable dust and mud constantly meeting a traveler. Evening Dresses — Must be governed by the number of guests you may expect to meet, and the character of the entertainment to which you are invited. For small social companies, a dark silk in winter, and a pretty lawn, barege, or white muslin in summer, are the most appropriate. A light head-dress of ribbon or velvet, or a plain cap, are the most suitable with this dress. For a lai'ger party, low-necked, short-sleeved silk, light col- ored, or any of the thin goods made expressly for evening wear, with kid gloves, either of a color to match the dress or of white ; black lace mittens are admissable, and flowers in the hair. A ball dress should be made of either very dressy silk, or light, thin material made over silk. It should be trimmed with lace, flowers, or ribbon, and 82 LADIES* BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. made dressy. The coiffure should be dabcratt, and match the dress, being either of ribbon, feather, or flowers. White kid gloves, trimmed to match the dress, and white Or black satin slippers, with silk stockings, must be worn. MouRXiNG — There is such a variety of opinion upon the subject of mourning, that it is extremely dij05cult to lay down any general rules upon the subject. Some wear very close black for a long period, for a distant relative ; whilst others will wear dressy mourning for a short time in a case of death in the immediate family There is no rule either for the depth of mourning, or the time when it may be laid aside, and I must confine mj remarks to the different degrees of mourning. For deep mourning, the dress should be of bombazine Parramatta cloth, delaine, barege, or merino, made ujr over black lining. The only appropriate trimming is t deep fold, either of the same material or of crape. Thf shawl or cloak must be of plain black, without border Oi trimming, unless a fold of crape be put on the cloak ; th^ bonnet should be of crape, made perfectly plain, witl crape facings, unless the widow's cap be worn, and si deep crape veil should be thrown over both face anci* bonnet. Black crape collar and sleeves, and black booti and gloves. The next degree is to wear white collai and sleeves, a bow of crape upon the bonnet, and plain white lace facings, leaving off the crape veil, and substituting one of plain black net. A little later, black silk without any gloss, trimmed with crape, may be worn, and delaine or bombazine, with a trimming of broad, plain ribbon, or a bias fold of silk. The next stage ad- DRESS. 33 mitu a silk bonnet trimmed with crape, and lead color, dark purple, or white figures on the dress. From this the mourning passes into second mourning. Here a straw bonnet, trimmed with black ribbon or crape flowers, or a silk bonnet with black flowers on the out- side, and white ones in the face, a black silk dress, and gray shawl or cloak, may be worn. Lead color, purple, lavender, and white, are all admissible in second mourn- ing, and the dress may be lightened gradually, a white bonnet, shawl, and light purple or lavender dress, being tho dress usually worn last, before the mourning is thrown aside entirely, and colors resumed. It is espe cially to be recommended to buy always the best mate- rials when making up mourning. Crape and woolen goods of the finest quality are very expensive, but a cheaper article will wear miserably ; there is no greater error in economy than purchasing cheap mourning, for no goods are so inferior, or wear out and grow rusty 80 soon. CHAPTER III TRAVELING. There is no situation in which a lady is more exposed than when she travels, and there is no position where a dignified, lady- like deportment is more indispensable and more certain to command respect. If you travel under the escort of a gentleman, give him as little trouble as possible ; at the same time, dc not interfere with the ar- rangements he may make for your comfort. It is best, when starting upon your journey, to hand your escort a sufficient sum of money to cover all your expenses, re- taining your pocket book in case you should wish to use it. Have a strong pocket made in your upper petticoat, and in that carry your money, only reserving in your dress pocket a small sum for incidental expenses. In your traveling satchel carry an oil skin bag, containing your sponge, tooth and nail brushes, and some soap ; have also a calico bag, with hair brush and comb, some pins, Lair pins, a small mirror, and some towels. In this satchel carry also some crackers, or sandwiches, if you will be long enough upon the road to need a luncheon. In your carpet bag, carry a large shawl, and if yon 34 TKAVELIXG. 8fi will travel bj night, or stop where it will be inconvenient to open your trunks, carry your night clothes, and what clean linen you may require, in the carpet bag. It is best to have your name and address engraved upon the plate of your carpet bag, and to sew a white card, with your name and the address to which you are traveling, in clear, plain letters upon it. If you carry a novel or any other reading, it is best to carry the book in your satchel, and not open the carpet bag until you are ready for the night. If you are to pass the night in the cars, carry a warm woolen or silk hood, that you may take oflf your bonnet at night. No one can sleep comfortably in a bonnet. Carry also, in this case, a large shawl to wrap round your feet. One rule to be always observed in traveling is punc- tuality. Rise early enough to have ample time for ar- ranging everything needful for the day's journey. If you sleep upon the boat, or at a hotel, always give di- rections to the servant to waken you at an hour suffi- ciently early to allow ample time for preparation. It is better to be all ready twenty minutes too soon, than five minutes late, or even late enough to be annoyed and heated by hurrying at the last moment. A lady will always dress plainly when traveling. A gay dress, or finery of any sort, when in a boat, stage, or car, lays a woman open to the most severe miscon- struction. Wear always neutral tints, and have the ma- terial made up plainly and substantially, but avoid care- fully any article of dress that is glaring or conspicuous.. Above all, never wear jewelry, (unless it be your watch,) or flowers ; "-hey are both in excessively bad taste. A 36 ladies' book of etiquette. quiet, unpretending dress, and dignified demeanor, will insure for a lady respect, though she travel alone from Maine to Florida. If you are obliged to pass the night upon a stearabcat. secure, if possible, a stateroom. You will find the luxury of being alone, able to retire and rise -without witnesses, fully compensates for the extra charge. Be^ fore you retire, find out the position and number of the stateroom occupied by your escort, in case you wish to find him during the night. In times of terror, from ac- cident or danger, such care will be found invaluable. You may not be able to obtain a stateroom upon all occasions when traveling, and must then sleep in the ladies' cabin. It is best, in this case, to take off the dress only, merely loosening the stays and skirts, and, unless you are sick, you may sit up to read until quite a late hour. Never allow your escort to accompany you into the cabin. The saloon is open always to both ladies and gentlemen, and the cabin is for ladies alone. Many ladies are sufficiently ill-bred to ask a husband or brother into the cabin, and keep him there talking for an houi or two, totally overlooking the fact that by so doing she may be keeping others, suffering, perhaps, with sickness, from removing their dresses to lie down. Such conduct is not only excessively ill-bred, but intensely selfish. There is scarcely any situation in which a lady can be placed, more admirably adapted to test her good breed- ing, than in the sleeping cabin of a steam-boat.. If you are so unfortunate as to suffer from sea-sickness, your chances for usefulness are limited, and patient suffering your only resource. In this case, never leave home TRAVELINa. 37 without a straw-cohered bottle of brandy, and aDother of camphor, in your carpet-bag. If you are not sick, be very careful not to keep the chambermaid from those who are suffering ; should you require her services, dis- miss her as soon as possible. As acquaintances, formed during a journey, are not recognized afterwards, unless mutually agreeable, do not refuse either a pleasant wortl or any little offer of service from your companions; and, on the other hand, be ready to aid them, if in your power. In every case, selfishness is the root of all ill- breeding, and it is never more conspicuously displayed than in traveling. A courteous manner, and graceful offer of service are valued highly when offered, and the giver loses nothing by her civility. When in the car if you find the exertion of talking painful, say so frankly ; your escort cannot be offended. Do not continually pester either your companion or the conductor with questions, such as ''Where are we now?" "When shall we arrive?" If you are wearied, this im patience will only make the journey still more tedious. Try to occupy yourself with looking at the country through which you are passing, or with a book. If you are traveling without any escort, speak to the conductor before you start, reo nesting him to attend to you whilst in the car or boat under his control. Sit quietly in the cars when they r^ach the depot until the first bustle is over, and then engage a porter to procure for you a hack, and fret your baggage. If upon a boat, let one of the servants perform this office, being careful to fee him for it. Make an engagement with the hack* man, to take you only in his hack, and enquire hie 88 ladies' book of etiquette. charge before starting. In this way you avoid unpleasant ccDipany during your drive, and overcharge at the eni of it. If you expect a friend to meet you at the end of your journey, sit near the door of the steam-boat saloon, or in the ladies' room at the car depot, that he may lind you easily. There are many little civilities which a true gentleman will oflfer to a lady traveling alone, which she may ac- cept, even from an entire stranger, with perfect propriety ; but, while careful to thank him courteously, whether you accept or decline his attentions, avoid any advance to- wards acquaintanceship. If he sits near you and seems disposed to be impertinent, or obtrusive in his attentions or conversation, lower your veil and turn from him, either looking from the window or reading. A dignified, modest reserve is the surest way to repel impertinence. If you find yourself, during your journey, in any awk- ward or embarrassing situation, you may, without impro- priety, request the assistance of a gentleman, even a stranger, and he will, probably, perform the service re- quested, receive your thanks, and then relieve you of his presence. Never, upon any account, or under any provo- cation, return rudeness by rudeness. Nothing will rebuke incivility in another so surely as perfect courtesy in your own manner. Many will be shamed into apology, who would annoy you for hours, if you encouraged them by acts of rudeness on your own part. In traveling alone, choose, if possible, a seat next tc another lady, or near an elderly gentleman. If your neighbor seems disposed to shorten the time by con- TRAVELING. 3S versing, do not be too hasty in checking him. Such ac- quaintances end with the journey, and a lady can always so deport herself tliat she may beguile the time pleasantly, without, in the least, compromising her dignity. Any slight attention, or an apology made fur crushing or incommoding you, is best ac knowledged by a coortcouB bow, in sileDce. CHAPTER IV. HOW TO BEHAVE AT A HC TEL. In America, "where the mania for traveling extends fc. rough all classes, from the highest to the lowest, a few 'hints upon deportment at a hotel will not be amiss, and these hints are especially addressed to ladies traveling alone. When you arrive at the hotel, enquire at once for the proprietor. Tell him your name and address, and ask him to conduct you to a.good room, naming the length of time you purpose occupying it. You may also re- quest him to wait upon you to the table, and allot you a neat. As the hours for meals, at a large hotel, are very numerous, it is best to mention the time when you wish to breakfast, dine, or sup. If you stay more than one day at the hotel, do not tax the proprietor with the duty of escorting you to the table more than once. Request one of the waiters always to meet you as you enter, and wait upon you to your seat. This saves the embarrass- ment of crossing the room entirely unattended, while it shows others that you are a resident at the house. The waiter will then take your order for the dishes you wish. Give this order in a low tone, and do not haiass the man 40 HOW TO BEHAVE IN A HOTEL. 43 by contradicting yourself several times; decide "what you want before you ask for it, and then give your order quietly but distinctly. Use, always, the butter-knife, Bait-spoon, and sugar-tongs, though you may be entirely alone in the use of them. The attention to the small details of table etiquette is one of the surest marks of good breeding. If any trifling civility is ofi'ered by the gentleman beside you, or opposite to you, thar.k him civilly, if you either accept or decline it. Thank the waiter for any extra attention he may ofier. Remember that a lady-like deportment is always modest and quiet. If you meet a friend at table, and converse, let it be in a tone of voice sufificiently loud for him to hear, but not loud enough to reach ears for which the remarks are not intended. A boisterous, loud voice, loud laughter, and bold deportment, at a hotel, are sure signs of vulgar breeding. When you have finished "your meal, cross the room quietly ; if you go into the parlor, do not attract atten- tion by a hasty entrance, or forward manner, but take the seat you may select, quietly. The acquaintances made in a hotel may be dropped afterwards, if desirable, without rudeness, and a pleasant greeting to other ladies whom you may recognize from meeting them in the entries or at table, is courteous and well-bred ; be careful, however, not to force attentions where you see they are not agreeably received. A lady's dress, when alone at a hotel, should be of the most modest kind. At breakfast let her wear a* close, morning dress, and never, even at supper, appear alone at the table with bare arms or neck. If she comes in 12 ladies' book of etiquette. late from the opera or a party, in full dress, she sLould not come into the supper-room, unless her escort accom panics her. A traveling or walking-dress can be worn with perfect propriety, at any meal at a hotel, as it is usually travelers who are the guests at the table After breakfast, pass an hour or two in the parlor, unless you are going out, whilst the chambermaid puts your room in order. You should, before leaving the room, lock your trunk, and be careful not to leave money or trinkets lying about. When you go out, lock your door, and give the key to the servant to hand to the clerk of the office, who will give it to you when you return. You may do this, even if you leave the room in disorder, as the chambermaids all carry duplicate keys, and can easily enter your room in your absence to ar- range it. The door should not be left open, as dishonest persons, passing along the entry, could enter without fear of being questioned. If you see that another lady, though she may be an entire stranger, is losing her collar, or needs attention called to any disorder in her dress, speak to her in a low tone, and offer to assist her in remedying the difficulty. Be careful always in opening a door or raising a win- dow in a public parlor, that you are not incommoding any one else. Never sit down to the piano uninvited, unless you are alone in the parlor. l)o not take any book you may find in the room away from it. It is best always to carry writing materials with you, but if this is not convenient, you can always obtain them at the office. HOW TO BEHAVE AT A HOTEL. 43 In a strange city it is best to provide yourself with a imall map and guide book, that you may be able to find your way from the hotel to any given point, without troubling any one for directions. If you wish for a carriage, ring, and let the waiter order one for you. When leaving a hotel, if you have been there for several days, give the waiter at table, and the chamber- maid, a fee, as your unprotected situation will probably call for many services out of their regular routine of duties. On leaving, ring, order your bill, pay it, state the time at which you wish to leave, and the train you will take to leave the city Request a man to be sent, to carry your baggage to the hack ; and if you requu'e your next meal at an unusual hour^ to be ready foi ycui journey, order it then. CHAPTER V. EVENING PARTIES. STIQUETTE FOR THE HOS'JESS. The most fashionable as well as pleasant way in the present day, to entertain guests, is to invite them to evening parties, which vary in size from the " company," "sociable,'* " soiree," to the party, par excellence^ y^hich is but one step from the ball. The entertainment upon such occasions, may vary with the taste of the hostess, or the caprice of her guesto. Some prefer dancing, some music, some conversation. Small parties called together for dramatic or poetical readings, are now fashionable, and very delightful. In writing an invitation for a small party, it is kin^^., as well as polite, to specify the number of guests invited, that your friends may dress to suit the occasion. Qo be either too much, or too little dressed at such tim/^s is embarrassing. For large parties, the usual formula is : Miss S 's compliments to Miss Cr , and re^ sests the pleasure of her company for Wednesday , Marc] ?TJb, ut 8 o'clock* 44 EVENING PARTIES. 45 Such an invitation, addressed either to an intimate friend or mere acquaintance, will signify full dress. If your party is a musical soiree, or your friends meet for reading or conversation alone, say so in your invita- tion. Misi S requests the pleasure of Miss Gr *« corrv-^ pany^ on Thursday evening next, ot 8 oclock, to meet the members of the musical club, to which Miss S belongs; or, Miss S expects a few friends, on Monday evening next, at 8 o'clock, to take part in some dramatic readings, and would be happy to have Miss Gr join the party. Always date your note of invitation, and put your address in one corner. Having dispatched these notes, the next step is to prepare to receive your guests. If the number invited is large, and yoM hire waiters, give them notice several days beforehand, and engage them to come in the morning. Give them full directions for the supper, ap point one to open the door, another to show the guests to the dressing rooms, and a third to wait in the gentle- men's dressing-room, to attend to them, if their services are required. If you use your own plate, glass, and china, show the waiters where to find them, as well as the table cloths, nap- kins, and other things they may require. If you hire the service from the confectioner's or restaurateur's where you order your supper, you have only to show your waiters where to spread supper, and tell them the hour. Ifou will have to place at least four rooms at the di\» t6 LADIES' BOOK OP ETIQUETTE. pos.ll of your guests — the supper room, and two dressing rooms, beside the drawing-room. In the morning, see that the fires in your rooms are in good order ; and in the drawing-room, it is best to have it so arranged that the heat can be lessened towards evening, as the crowd, and dancing, will make it exces- sively uncomfortable if the rooms are too warm. See that the lights are in good order, and if you propose to have music instead of dancing, or to use your piano for dancing music, have it put in good tune in the morning. If you intend to dance, and do not wish to take up the carpets, you will find it economical, as well as much pleasanter, to cover them with coarse white muslin or linen ; be sure it is fastened down smoothly, firmly, and drawn tightly over the carpets. Do not remove all the chairs from the parlor ; or, if this is necessary, leave some in the hall, for those who wish to rest after dancing. In the dining-room, unless it will accommodate all your guests at once, have a silk cord so fastened that, when the room is full, it can be drawn across the door- way ; those following the guests already in the room, will then return to the parlor, and wait their turn. A Btill better way, is to set the supper table twice, inviting the married and elderly people to go into the first table, and then, after it is ready for the second time, let the young folks go up. Two dressing-rooms must be ready ; one for the ladies, and the other for the gentlemen. Have both these Tooms comfortably heated, and well lighted. Nothing ean be more disagreeable than cold, ill-lighted rooms to EVENING PARTIES. 47 firesa in, paiticularly if your guests cone m half-frozen by the cold of a winter's night, or still worse, damp from a stcrmy one. Be sure that there is plenty of water, soap and towels on th3 washstand, t^o or three brushes and combs on the bureau, two mirrors, one large and one small, and a pir cushion, well filled with large and small pins. In the ladies' room, have one, or if your party is largo,- two women to wait upon your guests ; to remove their cloaks, overshoes, and hoods, and assist them in smoothing their dresses or hair. After each guest removes her shawl and hood, let one of the maids roll all the things she lays aside into a bundle, and put it where she can easily find it. It is an admirable plan, and preventr much confusion, to pin to each bundle, a card, or strip oi paper, (previously prepared,) with the name of ^he persc^ to whom it belongs written clearly and distinctly upon it. Upon the bureau in the ladies' room, have a supply of hair-pins, and a workbox furnished with everything requisite to repair any accident that may happen to the dress of a guest. It is well, also, to have Eau de Cologne, hartshorn, and salts in case of sudden faint- ness. In the gentlemen's room, place a clothes brush and boot-jack. It is best to send out your invitations by your own servant, or one hired for that purpose especially. It is ill-bred to send invitations either by the dispatch, or through the post-office ; and besides being discourteous, you risk offending your friends, as these modes cf deliverjf are proverbially uncertain. 48 ladies' book of etiquette. Be dressed and ready to receive your guests in good season, as some, in their desire to be punctual, may come before the time appointed. It is better to be ready too BOon, than too late, as your guests will feel painfully embarrassed if you are not ready to receive them. For the early part of the evening, take a position in your parlor, near or opposite to the door, that each guest may find you easily. It is not necessary to remain all the evening nailed to this one spot, but stay near it until your guests have all or nearly all assembled. Late comers will of course expect to find you entertaining your guests. As each guest or party enter the room, advance a few steps to meet them, speaking first to the lady, or if there are several ladies, to the eldest, then to the younger ones, and finally to the gentlemen. If the new comers are acquainted with those already in the room, they will leave, you, after a few words of greeting, to join their friends ; but if they are strangers to the city, or making their first visit to your house, introduce them to a friend who is well acquainted in your circle, who will entertain them till you can again join them and introduce them to others. Do not leave the room during the evening. To see a hostess fidgeting, constantly going in and out, argues ill for her tact in arranging the house for company. With well-trained waiters, you need give yourself no uneasiness about the arrangements outside of the par- lors. The perfection of good breeding in a hostess, is perfect EVENING PARTIES. 49 ca3e of manner; for the time she should appear to have no thought or care beyond the pleasure of her guests. Have a waiter in the hall to open the front door, and another at the head of the first flight of stairs, to point but to the ladies and gentlemen their respective dressing- rooms. Never try to outshine your guests in dress. It is vul- gar in the extreme. A hostess should be dressed as simply as is consistent with the occasion, wearing, if she will, the richest fabrics, exquisitely made, but avoiding any display of jewels or gay colors, such as will be, probably, more conspicuous than those worn by her guests. Remember, from the moment your first guest enters the parlor, you must forget yourself entirely to make the sveiilng pleasant for others. Your duties will call you from one group to another, and require constant watchfulness that no one guest is slighted. Be careful that none of the company are left to mope alone from oeing unacquainted with other guests. Introduce gen- tlemen to ladies, and gentlemen to gentlemen, ladies to adics. It requires much skill and tact to make a party for conversation only, go off" pleasantly. You must invite only such guests as will mutually please, and you must be careful about introductions. If you have a literary lion upon your list, it is well to invite other lions to meet him or her, that the attention may not be constantly con- centrated upon one person. Where you see a couple con- versing slowly and wearily, stir them up with a few sprightly words, and introduce a new person, either to make » trio, 4 60 ladies' book of etiquette. or, as a substitute in the duet, carrying off the other on« of the couple to find a more congenial companion else- where. Never interrupt an earnest or apparently inter- esting conversation. Neither party will thank you, even if you propose the most delightful substitute. If your party meet for reading, have a table with the books in the centre of the apartment, that will divide the room, those reading being on one side, the listeners on the other. Be careful here not to endeavor to shine above your guests, leaving to them the most prominent places, and taking, cheerfully, a subordinate place. On the other hand, if you are urged to display any talent you may possess in this way, remember your only desire is to please your guests, and if they are really desiroua to listen to you, comply, gracefully and promptly, with their wishes. If you have dancing, and have not engaged a band, it is best to hire a pianist for the evening to play dancing music. You will find it exceedingly wearisome to play yourself all the evening, and it is ill-bred to ask any guest to play for others to dance. This victimizing of some obliging guest is only too common, but no true lady will ever be guilty of such rudeness. If there are several members of the family able and willing to play, let them divide this duty amongst them, or, if you wish to play yourself, do so. If any guest, in this case, offers to relieve you, accept their kindness for one dance only. Young people, who enjoy dancing, but who also play well, will often stay on the piano-stool all the evening, because their own good-nature will not allow them to EVENING PARTIES. 61 complain, and their hostess wilfully, or through negli gence, permits the tax. See that your guests are well provided with partners, introducing every gentleman and lady who dances, to one who will dance well with them. Be careful that none sit still through your negligence in providing part- ners. Do not dance yourself, when, by so doing, you are preventing a guest from enjoying that pleasure. If a lady is wanted to make up a set, then dance, or if, late m the evening, you have but few lady dancers left, buf do not interfere with the pleasure in others. If invited, say that you do not wish to take the place of a guest upon the floor, and introduce the gentleman who invites you to some lady friend who dances. It is very pleasant in a dancing party to have ices ahne, handed round at about ten o'clock, having supper Bet two or three hours later. They are very refreshing, when it would be too early to have the more substantial supper announced. It is very customary now, even in large parties, to have no refreshments but ice-cream, lemonade, and cake, or, in summer, fruit, cake, and ices. It is less trouble- some, as well as less expensive, than a hot supper, aud the custom will be a good one to adopt permanently. One word of warning to all hostesses. You can never know, when you place wine or brandy before yDur guests, whom you may be tempting to utter ruin. Better, far better, to have a reputation as strict, or mer.n, than by your example, or the temptation you offer, to have the sin upon your soul of having put poison before those 62 ladies' book of etiquette. who partook of your hospitality. It is not necessary ; bospitality and generosity do not require it, and you mil have the approval of. all who truly love you for your good qualities, if you resolutely refuse to have either wine or any other intoxicating liquor upon your Bupper-table. If the evening of your party is stormy, let a waiter stand in the vestibule with a large umbrella, to meet the ladies at the carriage door, and protect them whilst crossing the pavement and steps. When your guests take leave of you, it will be in the drawing-room, and let that farewell be final. Do not ac- company them to the dressing-room, and never stop them in the hall for a last word. Many ladies do not like to display their "sortie du soiree" before a crowded room, and you will be keeping their escort waiting. Say fare- well in the parlor, and do not repeat it. If your party is mixed, that is, conversation, dancing, and music are all mingled, remember it is your place to invite a guest to sing or play, and be careful not to of- fend any amateur performers by forgetting to invite them to favor the company. If they decline, never urge the matter. If the refusal proceeds from unwillingness or inability on that occasion, it is rude to insist ; and if tLey refuse for the sake of being urged, they will be justly punished by a disappointment. If you have guests who, performing badly, will expect an invitation to play, sacri- fice their desire to the good of the others, pass them by. [t is torture to listen to bad musip. Do not ask a guest to sing or play more than once. EVENING PARTIES. 68 This IS her fair share, and you have no right to tax her too severely to entertain your other guests. If, however, the performancee is so pleasing that others ask for a repetition, then you too may request it, thanking the per- former for the pleasure given. CHAPTERVI. EVENING PARTIES. ETIQUETTE FOR THE GUEST. JJfc^ receiving an invitation for an evening party, answer it immediately, that your hostess may know for how many guests she must provide. If, after accepting an invitation, any unforeseen event prevents your keeping the engagement, write a second note, containing your regrets. The usual form is : — Miss Gr accepts with pleasure Miss S *« polite invitation for Monday next ; or, Miss Cr regrets that a prior engagement will pre- vent her accepting Miss S 's kind invitation for Mon^ day evening. Punctuality is a mark of politeness, if your invitation states the hour at which your hostess will be ready to welcome you. Do not be more than half an hour later khan the time named, but if unavoidably detained, make 64 EVENING PARTIES. 55 no apology when you meet your hostess ; it will be in bad taste to speak of your want of punctuality. "When you arrive at your friend's house, io not stop to speak to any one in the hall, or upon the stairs, but go immediately to the dressing room. The gentleman who iccompanies you will go to the door of the lady's room, leave you, to remove his own hat and over-coat, and then return to the door to wait for you. In the dressing-room, do not push forward to the mirror if you see that others are before you there. Wait for your turn, then perform the needful arrange- ments of your toilette quickly, and re-join your escort as soon as possible. If you meet friends in the lady's- room, do not stop there to chat ; you keep your escort waiting, and your friends will join you in the parlor a few moments later. Avoid all confidential communications or private re- marks in the dressing-room. You may be overheard, and give pain or cause annoyance by your untimely con- versation. When you enter the parlor, go immediately to your hostess, and speak to her ; if the gentleman attending you is a stranger to the lady of the house, introduce him, and then join the other guests, as by delaying, to con- verse too long with your hostess, you may prevent her speaking to others who have arrived later than yourself. If you have no escort, you may with perfect propriety Bond for the master of the house, to wait upon you from the dressing-room to the parlor, and as soon as you have spoken to the hostess, thank your host and release him, as the same attention may be required by others 56 ladies' book of etiquette. Again, when alone, if jou meet a friend in the dressing room, you may ask the privilege of entering the parlol with her and her escort ; or, if she also is alone, there is no impropriety in two ladies going into the room unat« tended by a gentleman. While you maintain a cheerful deportment, avoid loud talking and laughing, and still more carefully avoid any action or gesture that may attract attention and mak« you conspicuous. ^ When dressing for a party, while you show that you honor the occasion by a tasteful dress, avoid glaring colors, or any conspicuous ornament or style of cos- tume. Avoid long tete-^-tete conversations ; they are in bad taste, and to hold confidential communication, especially with gentlemen, is still worse.^ Do not make any display of affection for even jour dearest friend; kissing in public, or embracing, are in bad taste. Walking with arms encircling waists, or such demonstrative tokens of love, are marks of low breeding. Avoid crossing the room alone, and never run, even if you feel embarrassed, and wish to cross quickly. If you are a musician, and certain that you will confer pleasure by a display of your talents, do not make a show of reluctance when invited to play or sing. Comply gracefully, and after one piece, leave the instrument. Be careful to avoid the appearance of wishing to be in- vited, and, above all, never hint that this would be agreeable. If your hostess has requested you to bring vour notes, and you are dependent upon them, bring EVENING PARTIES. 67 them, and quietly place them on the music stai .. or, still better, send them in the afternoon. It is a better plan, if you are called upon frequently to contribute in this way to the evening's amusement, to learn a few pieces so as to play them perfectly well without notes. Never attempt any piece before company, unless yen are certain that you can play it without mistake or hesi- tation. When you have finished your song or piece, rise instantly from the piano stool, as your hostess may wish to invite another guest to take the place. If you have a reason for declining to play, do so decidedly when first invited, and do not change your decision. If your hostess or any of the family play far the guests to dance, it is both polite and kind to offer to re. lieve them ; and if truly polite themselves, they will not take advantage of the offer, to over tax your good nature. When others are playing or singing, listen quietly and attentively ; to laugh or talk loudly when there is music in the room, is rude, both toward the performer and youi hostess. If you are conversing at the time the music begins, and you find that your companion is not disposed to listen to the performer at the harp or piano, converso in a low tone, and take a position at some distance from the instrument. If the rooms are not large enough for all the guesta to dance at one time, do not dance every set, even if Ji- vited. It is ill-bred and selfish. 58 ladies' book of etiquette. When you go up to supper, do not accept anything from any gentleman but the one who has escorted you from the parlor. If others offer you, as they probably will, any refreshment, say that Mr. (naming your escort) has gone to get you what you desire. He has a right to be offended, if, after telling him what you wifch for, he returns to find you already supplied. It is quite aa rude to offer what he brings to another lady. Her es- cort is probably on the same errand from which yours has just returned. It may seem trivial and childish to warn a lady against putting cakes or bon-bons in her pocket at supper, yet it is often done by those who would deeply resent the accusation of rudeness or meanness. It is not only ill-bred, but it gives rise, if seen, to suspi- cions that ycu are so little accustomed to society, or so starved at home, that you are ignorant of the forms of etiquette, or are forced to the theft by positive hunger. If you are obliged to leave the company at an earlier hour than the other guests, say so to your hostess in a low tone, when you have an opportunity, and then stay a short time in the room, and slip out unperceived. By a formal leave-taking, you may lead others to suppose the hour later than it is in reality, and thus de- prive your hostess of other guests, who, but for your example, would have remained longer. French leave is preferable to a formal leave-taking upon such oc- casions. If you remain until the usual hour for breaking up, go to your hostess before you leave the room, ex» EVENING PARTIES. 69 press the pleasure you have enjoyed, and bid her farewell. Within the next week, you should call upon your hostess, if it is the first party you have attended at her house. If she is an intimate friend, the eall should be made within a fortnight. , CHAPTER VII. VISITINQ. ETIQUETTE FOR THE HOSTESS. When you write to invite a friend to visit you, name a time when it will be convenient and agreeable for you to receive her, and if she^^ccepts your invitation, so ar- range your duties and engagements that they will not interfere with your devoting the principal part of your time to the entertainment of your guest. If you have certain duties which must be performed daily, say so frankly when she first arrives, and see that during the time you are so occupied she has work, reading, music, or some other employment, to pass the time away pleasantly. Have a room prepared especially for her use, and let her occupy it alone. Many persons have a dislike to any one sleeping with them, and will be kept awake by a companion in the room or bed. Above all, do not put a child to sleep in the chamber with your guest. The day before your friend arrives, have her room swept, dusted, and aired ; put clean, fresh linen upon the bed, see that the curtains are in good order, the locks in 60 VISITING. 61 perfect repair, and the closet or wardrobe aud bureau empty for her clothes. Have upon the bureau a pin cushion well filled, hair pins, brush and comb, and two mirrors, one large, and one small for the hand, as she may wish to smooth her hair, without unpacking her own toilet articles. Upon the washstand, have two pitchers full of water, a cup, tumbler, soap-dish and soapj basih, brush-dish, and a sponge, wash rag, and plenty of clean towels. Have both a feather bed and a mattress upon the bed- stead, that she may place whichever she prefers upper- most. Two sheets, a blanket, quilt, and counterpane, should be on the bed, and there should be two extra blankets in the room, should she require more covering in the night. On the mantel piece, place a few books that she may read, if she wishes, before sleeping. Have upon the mantel piece a box of ma^tches, and if the room is not lighted by gas, have also a supply of candles in a box, and a candlestick. If the room is not heated by a furnace, be careful that the fire is made every morning before she rises, and keep a good supply of fuel in the room. Besides the larger chairs, have a low one, to use while changing the shoes or washing the feet. Upon the table, place a full supply of writing mate-i rials, as your guest may wish to send word of her safe arrival before unpacking her own writing-desk. Put two or three postage stamps upon this table. Be sure that bells, locks, hinges, and windows, are aU in perfect order. 62 LADIES* BOOK OF ETIQUEITB. Before your guest arrives, go to- her room. If it is in winter, have a good fire, hot water on the washstand, and see that the windows are tightly closed, and the room cheerful with sunshine, or plenty of candle or gas light. If in summer, draw the curtains, bow the shutters, open the windows, and have a fan upon the table. It is well to have a bath ready, should your guest desire that refreshment after the dust and heat of traveling. When the time arrives at which you may expect youi guest, send a carriage to the station to meet her, and, if possible, go yourself, or send some member of the family to welcome her there. After her baggage is on the car- riage, drive immediately to the house, and be certain all is ready there for her comfort. As soon as she is at your house, have her trunks car- ried immediately to her own room, and lead her there yourself. Then, after warmly assuring her how welcome she is, leave her alone to change her dress, bathe, or lie down if she wishes. If her journey has been a long one, and it is not the usual hour for your next meal, have a substantial repast ready for her about half an hour after her arrival, with tea or coffee. If she arrives late at night, after she has removed her bonnet and bathed her face, invite her to partake of a substantial supper, and then pity her weariness and lead the way to her room. She may politely assert that she cat still sit up and talk, but be careful you do not keep her up too long ; and do not waken her in the morning. After the first day, she will, of course, desire to break- fast at your usual hour, but if she has had a long, fa- t'guing journey, she will be glad to sleep late the first VISITING 68 day. Be careful that she has a hot breakfast ready when she does rise, and take a seat at the table to wait upon her. After the chambermaid has arranged the guest-cham- ber in the morning, go in yourself and see that all is in order, and comfortable, and that there is plenty of fresh water and towels, the bed properly made, and the room dusted. Then dc not go in again through the day, un« less invited. If you are constantly running in, to put a chair back, open or shut the windows, or arrange the furniture, you will entirely destroy the pleasantest part of your guest's visit, by reminding her that she is not at home, and must not take liberties, even in her own room. It looks, too,, as if you were afraid to trust her, and thought she would injure the furniture. If you have children, forbi,d them to enter the room your friend occupies, unless she invites them to do so, or they are sent there with a message. If your household duties will occupy your time for some hours in the morning, introduce your guest to the piano, book-case, or picture-folio, and place all at her service. When your duties are finished, either join her in her own room, or invite her to sit with you, and work, chatting, meanwhile, together. If you keep your own carriage, place it at her disposal as soon as she arrives. If she is a stranger in the city, accompany her to the points of interest she may wish to visit, and also oifer to show her where to find the best goods, should she wish to do any shopping. Enquirs of your visitor if there is any particular habit she may wish to indulge in, such as rising late, retiring 64 liADIES* BOOK OF ETIrJJETTE. earl J, lying down in the daytime, or any other habit thai your family do not usually follow. If there is, arrange it so that she may enjoy her peculiarity in comfort. If there is any dish which is distasteful to her, avoid placing it upon the table during her visit, and if she mentions, in conversation, any favorite dish, have it frequently placed before her. If she is accustomed to eat just before retiring, and your family do not take supper, see that something is Bent to her room every night. If your friend has intimate friends in the same city, beside yourself, it is an act of kindly courtesy to invite them to dinner, tea, or to pass a day, and when calls are made, and you see that it would be pleasant, invite the caller to-.-remain to dinner or tea. Never accept any invitation, either to a party, ball, or public entertainment, that does not include your guest. In answering the invitation give that as your reason for declining, when another note will be sent enclosing an invitation for her. If the invitation is from an intimate friend, say, in answering it,* that your guest is with you, and that she will accompany you. It is a mistaken idea to suppose that hospitality and «ourtesT require constant attention to a guest. There are times when she may prefer to be alone, either to write letters, to read, or practice. Some ladies follow a guest from one room to another, never leaving them ftlone for a single instant, when they would enjoy an hour or two in the library or at the piano, but do not like to Bay so. VISITING. 61 Tlie best rule is to make your guest feel that she is heartily welcome, and perfectly at home. When she is ready to leave you, see that her trunks are strapped in time by the servants, have a carriage ready to take her to the- station, have the breakfast cr dinner at an hour that will suit her, prepare a luncheon for her to carry, and let some gentleman in the family escort her to the wharf, check her trunks, and procure her tickets. If your guest is in mourning, decline any invitations to parties or places of amusement whilst she is with you Show her by such little attentions that you sympathize in her recent affliction, and that the pleasure of her so- ciety, and the love you bear her, make such sacrifices of gayety trifling, compared with the sweet duty of comf-crt' ing her. 6 CHAPTER VIII. VISITING. ETIQUETTE FOR THE GUEST. As a first rule with regard to paying a visit, the best one is. never to accept a general invitation. Instances are very common where women (I cannot say ladies) have, upon a slight acquaintance, and a " When you are in C I should be very happy to have j^ou visit me," actually gone to C from their own home, and, with bag and baggage, quartered themselves upon the hospitality of their newly made friend, for weeks at a time. Even where there is a long standing friendship it is not well to visit uninvited. It is impossible for you, in another city, to know exactly when it will be convenient for your friend to have you visit her, unless she tells you, and that will, of course, be a special invitation. If your friends are really desirous to have you pay them a visit, they will name a time when it will be convenient and agreeable to have you come, and you may accept the invitation with the certainty that you will not incommode them. 66 VISITING. 67 Self- proposed visits are still worse. You, in a man- ner, force an invitation from your friend when you tell her that you can come at a certain time, unless you have previously arranged to let her know when you can be her guest. In that case, your own time is understood to be the most agreeable for her. If, whilst traveling, you pass through a town where you have friends whom you wish to visit, and who woulc' be hurt if you omitted to do so, go first to a hotel, and either call or send word that you are there. Then, it ia optional with them to extend their hospitality or not. Do not be offended if it is not done. The love for you may be undiminished, and the desire to entertain you very great, yet family reasons may render such an invi- tation as you expect, impossible. Your friend may hav ) engagements or duties at the time, that would prevent her making the visit pleasant for you, and wish to post- pone the invitation until she can entertain you as she wishes. To drive, trunks and all, in such a case, to your friend's house, without a word of warning, is unkind, as well as ill-bred. You force her to invite you to stay, when it may be inconvenient, and, even if she is really glad to see you, and wishes you to make a prolonged visit, you may feel certain she would have preferred tc know you were coming. If she really loves you, her natural desire would be to have everything ready to give you a comfortable reception, and not have to leave you, perhaps with your traveling costume on, for an hour or two, while she prepares a room for you. It is not enough to say, at such a time, " Don't mind me," or, " Treat me 68 LADIES* BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. as one of the family." However much her politeneai or love may conceal annoyance, be sure, in her secret heart she does mind you, and remember you are not one of her private family. To take the liberty of going to the house of a mere acquaintance, for a night or two, while traveling, without invitation, is making a convenience of them, and weara the appearance of wishing to save the customary hotel- bill, so, while it is extremely ill-bred and impertinent, it is also excessively m^an. In case of relationship, or long intimate friendship, an unexpected visit may be pardoned and give pleasure, but it is better to avoid it, as the pleasure will surely be in- creased if your relative or friend has time to prepare for your reception as her love will prompt, and arrange her duties and engagements to really enjoy your company. When you receive an invitation by letter to visit a friend, answer it immediately, thanking her for her proffered hospitality, and say decidedly then whether you can accept or decline. If you accept the invitation, state in your letter by what train, and at what hour you will arrive, that she may meet you, and let nothing but positive necessity keep you from being punctually at the time and place appointed. To linger by the way, for mere pleasure* and make her come several times to meet you, is unkind, aa well as ill-bred. If you are unavoidably detained, write CO her, state the reason that will prevent your keeping the appointment, and name another time when you can come. It is well in answering a letter of invitation, to state visiTiNa. 69 the limits of your visit, and then to keep them. If she is unwilling to let jou go, and you are tempted to stay, that very fact promises well for the pleasure of a second visit. It is better to leave while all will regret you, than to linger on until you have worn out your welcome. Inquire, as soon as possible after your arrival, what are the regular habits of the family ; the hours for rising, for meals, and for retiring, and then be punctual in your attendance. Many ladies are very ceremonious, about waiting for a guest, and by delay in your room, or inat- tention to the time, when you are out, you will keep the whole family waiting. If you do not wake early enough for the usual break- fast hour, request the chambermaid to knock at your door in time for you to be ready to go down with the family. Before you leave your room in the morning, take the clothes off your bed, throw the upper bed over the foot-boavd, and then open all the windows (unless it storms), that room and bed may be thoroughly aired be- fore you sit there again. After breakfast, ask your hostess if you can be of any assistance to her in the household duties. If she declines your services, do not follow her from room to room whilst she is thus engaged, but take your work, books, or music to the sitting room or parlor, until your own room is ready for you. By thus proving that you can occupy yourself pleasantly, while she is away, you make it less annoying to her to feel the obligation to leave you. As soon as you see that she is ready to sew and chat, leave your book, or, if in your own room, ccme to the TO LADIES^ BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. sitting room, where she is, and work with her. It is polite and kind, if j^ou see that she has a large supply of family sewing, to offer to assist her, hut if she posi- tively declines your aid, then have some work of your own on hand, that you may sew with her. Many pleasant mornings may be spent while visiting, by one lady read- ing aloud whilst the other sews, alternating the work. It is a pretty compliment to repay the hospitality of your hostess, by working whilst with her upon some piece of fancy work, a chair cover, sofa cushion, or pair of ottomans, presenting them to her when finished, as a keepsake. They will be duly appreciated, and remind her constantly of the pleasures of your visit. If you pass the morning out of the house, remember your time is hers, and have no engagement to interfere with the plans she has laid for entertaining you. Observe this rule during your whole visit, and do not act inde- pendent of her plans. By constantly forming engage- ments without her knowledge, going out without her, or staying in when she has made some excursion or party for your pleasure, you insult her, by intimating that her house is no more to you than a hotel, to sleep and eat in, while your pleasures lie elsewhere. After dinner, retire for an hour to your own room, that your hostess may lie down if she is accustomed to do so. If the hours kept are later than you have been accustomed to, or if the gayety of the family keeps you out at party or opera, it is best to sleep after dinner, even if you do not always do it. To give signs of weari ness in the evening will be excessively rude, impl j ing VISITING. Tl Want of enjoyment, and making your hostess feel hurt and annoyed. If you have shopping to do, find out where tho best stores are, and then go to them alone, unless your hostess will accompany you upon similar business of her own. Do not tax her good nature to go, merely for the sake of aiding you as guide. If one of the children in the family is familiar with the stores and streets, ask her to accompany you, and be careful to acknowledge the kind- ness by buying something especially for the child whilst Bhe is out with you, if it is only some cakes or bonbons. Choose an hour when you are certain your hostess has made no other engagement for you, or while she is busy in her domestic duties, for these shopping excursions. Ofifer, when you are going, to attend to any shopping she may want, and ask if there is any commission you can execute for her while you are out. While on a visit to one friend, do not accept too many invitations from others, and avoid spending too much time in paying calls where your hostess is not acquainted. You owe the greater portion of your time and society to the lady whose hospitality you are accepting, and it is best to decline invitations from other houses, unless they inclose one for your hostess also. Avoid paying any visits in a family not upon good terms with your hostess. If such a family are very dear friends of your own, or you can claim an acquaintance, pleasant upon both sides, with them, write, and state candidly the reason why you cannot visit them, and they will appreciate your delicacy. If, while on a visit to one friend, you receive an invi. 72 ladies' book of etiquette. tation to spend some time with another friend in the same place, accept it fur the period which you have named as the termination of your first visit. You insult your hostess by shortening your visit to her to accept another invitation, and quite as much of an insult is it, to take the time from the first visit to go to pay another, and then return to your first hostess, unless such an arrange- ment has been made immediately upon your arrival. Never invite any friend who may call upon you to stay to dinner or tea ; you will be taking a most un- warrantable liberty in so doing. This is the right of your hostess, and if, by her silence, she tacitly declines extending this courtesy, you will be guilty of imperfcLiience in usurping her privilege. Never take any one who calls upon you into any room but the parlor, unless invited to do so by your hostess. You have, of course, the entrSe of other rooms, but yoi/ bave no right to extend this privilege to others. If you have many gentlemen visiters, check too fre quent calls, and make no appointments with them. II they show you any such attention as to offer to drive you to places of interest, or visit with you picture galleries or public places, always consult your hostess before accept- ing such civilities, and decline them if she has made other engagements for you. If you receive an invitation to visit any place of public amusement, decline it, unless one of the family with whom you are staying is also in- vited. In that case you may accept. If the gentleman who invites you is a stranger to the family, introduce him to your hostess, or mention her name in conversa- VISITING. 73 tion. He will then, if he really desires you to accept his proffered attention, include her in the invitation. When visiting in a family where the members are in mourning, decline all invitations to parties or places af public amusement. It is an insult to them to leave them to join in pleasure from which their recent affliction ex- cludes them. Your visit at such a time will be prompte*i by sympathy in their trouble, and for the time it is thoughtful and delicate to make their sorrows yours. If sudden sickness or family trouble come to youi friend whilst you are with her, unless you can really he icseful, shorten your visit. In time of trouble families generally like to be alone, all in all to each other ; and a visitor is felt a constant restraint. If death comes while you are with your friend, en- deavor to take from her as much of the care as you can ; a really sympathizing friend is an inexpressible comfort at such a time, as the trying details which must be taken in charge by some one, will be less trying to her than to a member of the family. Do the necessary shopping for your friend, and relieve her of as much family care as you can. Let her feel that you are really glad that you are near her in her affliction, and repay the hospitality Bhe offered in her season of joy by showing her that her sorrow makes her still more dear, and that, while you can enjoy the gayety of her house, you will not flee from its mourning. When your presence can be of no further service, then leave her. Put out your washing and ironing when on a visit. It is annoying and ill-bred to throw your soiled clothes mtt the family wash. 74 ladies' book of etiquette. Take v^'iih. you, from home, all the writing and se-wiiig materials you may require while paying your visit. It is annoying to be constantly requested by a visitor to lend her scissors, pins, needles, or paper ; no lady should be without her own portfolio and work-box. Be very careful not to injure any article of furniture in your sleeping apartment, and if, unfortunately, any- thing suffers from your carelessness, have the accident repaired, or the article replaced, at your own expense. When your visit is over, give a present to each of the servants, varying its value, according to the length of your visit or the services you may have required. You will add to the pleasure by presenting such gifts yourself, with a few pleasant words. Never compare the house you may be visiting with your own, or any other you may visit. Avoid also speaking of any house where you may have been a guest in terms of overpraise, giving glowing pictures of its splendor. Your hostess may imagine you are drawing comparisons unfavorable to your present residence. Also avoid speaking unfavorably of any former visit, as your hostess will naturally conclude that her turn for censure will come as soon as your visit is over. If any family secret comes to your knowledge while you are on a visit in that family, remember the hospi- tality extended to you binds you to the most inviolable secrecy. It is mean, coiLtemptible, rude, and ill-bred to make your entertainers regret their hospitality by be- traying any such confidence ; for it is as sacred a confi- ience as if you were bound over to silence in the most solemn manner. VISITING. 7c After paying a visit, you should write to your hostess as soon as you reach home again ; thank her in this let- ter for her hospitality, speak warmly of the enjoyment you have had in your recent visit, and mention by name every member of tlie family, desiring to be remembered to alL CHAPTER IX. MORNING RECEPTIONS OR CALLS. KUQUETTE FOR THE HOSTESS. If your circle of visiting acquaintance is very lf«rge, while at the same time your time is fully occupied, or your home duties make it inconvenient to dress every morning to receive visitors, it is a good plan to set asido one morning in the week for, a reception day. Upon your own visiting cards, below the name, put the day when it will be proper to return the visit, thus : Mrs. James Hunter. at home wednesdays. No, 1718 C St, Your friends will, unless there is some especial reason for a call in the interval, pay their visit upon the day named. Let nothing, but the most imperative duty, call you out upon your reception day. Your callers are, in ft measure, invited guests, and it will be an insulting mark 76 MORNIKG RECEPTICNS OR CALLS. 71 of rudenftss to be out when they call. Neither can you be excused, except in case of sickness. Having appointed the day when you will be at home to see your friends, you ,.must, for that day, prepare to give your time wholly to them. The usual hours for morning receptions are from twelve to three, and you should be dressed, and ready for callers, at least half an hour before that time. To come in, flushed from a hurried toilette, to meet your first callers, is unbecoming as well as rude. Your dress should be handsome, but not showy. A silk or cashmere wrapper, richly trimmed, over an em- broidered skirt, with a pretty cap, or the hair neatly ar- ranged without head-dress, is a becoming and appropri- ate dress. Still better is a rich but plain silk, made high in the neck, with long sleeves. Wear a handsomely embroidered, or lace collar, and sleeves, and a rather dressy cap, or, still better, the hair alone, prettily ar- ranged. As each visitor arrives, rise, and advance part of the way to meet her. If gentlemen, rise, but do not ad- vance. It is not customary now to introduce callers at these morning receptions, though you can do so with perfect- propriety where you know such an introduction will be agreeable to both parties. In introducing a gentleman to a lady, address her first, as — "Miss Jones, permit me to introduce Mr. Lee;*' and, when introducing a young lady to a matron, you intro- duce the younger one to the elder, as — rS ladies' book op etiquette. "Mrs. Green, allow me to introduce to you my friend. Miss Brown." In introducing strangers in the city it is well to name the place of their residence, as — Mr. James of Ger- many, or, Mr. Brown of New York, or, if they have re- cently returned from abroad, it is well to say so, as, Mr. Lee, lately from India ; this is useful in starting conver* Ration. Be careful, when introducing your friends, to pro- nounce the name of each one clearly and distinctly, that there may be no mistake or necessity for repetition. It is a good plan, if your receptions are usually largely attended, to have books and pictures on the centre table, and scattered about your parlors. You must, of course, converse with each caller, but many will remain in the room for a long time, and these trifles are excellent pastime, and serve as subjects for conversation. It requires much tact to knoAV when to introduce friends, when to take refuge under the shield fashion of- fers, and not make them acquainted Avith each other. It is a positive cruelty to force a talented, witty person, to converse with one who is ignorant and dull, as they will, of course, be obliged to do, if introduced. A well-bred lady, who is receiving several visitors at a time, pays equal attention to all, and attempts, as much as possible, to generalize the conversation, turning to all in succession. The last arrival, however, reccivea a little more attention at first, than the others. If it is not agreeable to you to set aside a day for the especial reception of callers, and you have a large circle MORNING RECEPTIONS OR CALLS, 79 »i acquaintances, be ready to receive them each day that you are at home. If you are engaged, let the servant say so when she opens the door, and do not send down that message after your friend has been admitted. If she is told w^hen she arrives that you are engaged, she will un- derstand that you are denied to all callers, but if that message comes after she has sent up her card, she may draw the inference that you will not see her^ though you may see other friends. Never keep a caller waiting whilst you make an elab- orate toilette. If you are not ready for visitors, it is best to enter the parlor in your wrapper, apologizing for it, than to keep your friend waiting whilst you change your dress. If a stranger calls, bringing a letter of introduction, and sends the letter, you may read it before going down stairs, but if they wait till you are in the parlor before presenting the letter, merely glance at the signature and at the name of your caller; do not read the letter through, unless it is very short, or you are requested by the bearer to do so. If you have a friend staying with you, invite her to join you in the parlor when you have callers, and intro- duce her to your friends. If you wish to invite a caller to stay to luncheon or dinner, give the invitation as soon as you have exchanged greetings, not after she has been seated for some time. In the latter case it appears like an after thought, not, as in the former, as if from a real desire to haiie th€ pleasure of her company. 80 LADIES* BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. If you have but one caller at a time, rise when she does, and accompany her to the vestibule ; but, if thero are several in the room, rise when each one does, but only accompany them to the parlor door ; there take leave of them, and return to those who still reirain seated. If, after affliction, your friends call before you are able tc see them, do not fear to give offence by declining to receive them. They will respect your sorrow, and tho call is made more to show their sympathy than from a desire to converse with you. Visits of condolence, paid between the death of one of your family and the day of the funeral, you may always excuse yourself from, with perfect propriety. They are made in kindness, and show interest, but if you decline seeing such callers, there is no offence given. In parting from a gentleman caller, rise when he does, and remain standing until he leaves the room, but do not go towards the door. When a gentleman calls in the morning he will not remove his outside coat, and will hold his hat in his hand. Never offer to take the latter, and do not invite him to remove his coat. Take no notice of either one or the other. If strangers in the city call upon you, enquire at whit hotel they are staying, and how long they will be there, that you may return their call before they leave (own* CHAPTER X MOBNINO RECEPTIONS OR CALLS. ETIQUETTE FOR THE CALLER. The usual hours for paying morning calls are between eleven and two, or twelve and three, and all calls of cere- mony should be made between these hours. Never, in paying a ceremonious call, stay more than twenty minutes, or less than ten. If your hostess has severalothcr visitors at the same time that you are in her parlor, make your visit short, that she may have more attention to bestow upon others. After you have received an invitation to a party, call within a week or fortnight after the evening, whether you have accepted or declined the invitation. If you have declined on account of mourning, the excuse ex- lends also to the call. When the servant answers your ring, hand in your card. If your friend is out or engaged, leave the card, and if she is in, send it up. Never call without cards. You may offend your friend, as she may never hoar of your call, if she is out at the time, and you trust to the memory of the servant 6 81 82 ladies' book of etiquette. If youT friend is at home, after sending your card up to her by the servant, go into the parlor to wait for her Sit down quietly, and do not leave your seat until you rise to meet her as she enters the room. To walk about the parlor, examining the ornaments and pictures, is ill- bred. It is still more unlady-like to sit down and turn over to read the cards in her card basket. If she keeps y)u waiting for a long time, you may take a book from the centre-table to pass ayray the interval. Never, while waiting in a friend's parlor, go to the piano an-d play till she comes. This is a breach cf good- breeding often committed, and nothing can be more ill- bred You may be disturbing an invalid unawares, or you may prevent your friend, if she has children, from coming down stairs at all, by waking the baby. If you are a stranger in the city, and bring a lettei of introduction to your hostess, send this letter up staira with your card, that she may read it, and know how to welcome you when she comes down stairs. In this case, write upon the card the name of the hotel at which you are staying, and mention in the course of conversation, how long you will be in the city. If you have a visitor, and desire to introduce her to your friends, you may invite her to accompany you when paying calls. In making a call for condolence, it is sufficient to leave , a card with your enquiries for the health of your friend, and ofifers of service. The same if calling upon invalids, if they are too ill to see you. In visits of congratulation, go in, and be hearty in jrour expressions of interest and sympathy. Pay visits, MORNING RECEPTIONS OR CALLS. 88 both of condolence and congratulation, within a week after the event which calls for them occurs. It is proper, when you have already made your call of the usual length, and another caller is announced, to rise and leave, not immediately, as if you shunned the new arrival, but after a moment or two. Never out-sit two or three parties of visitors, unless you have private busi- ness with your hostess which cannot be postponed. Many denounce the system of morning calls as silly, frivolous, and a waste of time. They are wrong. It may be carried to an ex-cess, and so admit of these objections, but in moderation the custom is a good and pleasant one. You have then an opportunity of making friends of mere acquaintances, and you can, in a pleasant chat with a friend at home, have more real enjoyment in her society than in a dozen meetings in large companies, with all the formality and restraint of a party thrown around you. There are many subjects of conversation which are pleasant in a parlor, tete-^-tete with a friend, which you would not care to discuss in a crowded saloon, or in the street. Personal inquiries, private aflfairs can be cosily chatted over. In paying your visits of condolence, show, by your own quiet gravity, that you sympathize in the recent affliction of your friend. Though you may endeavor to comfort An i cheer her, you must avoid a gay or careless air, as it will be an insult at such a time. Avoid any allusion to the past that may be trying for her to hear or answer, yet do not ignore the subject entirely, as that appears like a want of interest in it. Though you may feel happy, avoid parading your own joyousness at such ft 84 LADIES* BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. time ; whatever your own feeling may be, respect the Borrow of another. Never sit gazing curiously around the room when pay- ing a call, as if taking a mental inventory of the fur- niture. It is excessively rude. It is still worse to appear to notice any disorder or irregularity that may occur. If, while paying a call, you perceive that any unforo* seen matter in the family, calls for the attention of the lady of the house, leave instantly, no matter how short your call has been. Your friend may not appear to notice the screams of a child, a noise in the kitchen, or the cry from the nursery that the fire board has caught fire, but you may be sure she does hear it, and though too well-bred to speak of it, will heartily rejoice to say good-bye. Do not take a child with you to pay calls, until it is old enough to behave quietly and with propriety. To have a troublesome child constantly touching the parlor ornaments, balancing itself on the back of a chair, lean- ing from a window, or performing any of the thousand tricks in which children excel, is an annoyance, both to yourself and your hostess. Make no remark upon the temperature of the room, or its arrangement, when you enter it. Never open or shut a window or door without asking permission, and unless really suffering from excessive heat or cold, refrain from asking leave to take this liberty. If you are invited to go up stairs to your friend's pri- vate apartment, you will, of course, accept the invitation, but never go up stairs uninvited. When you reach her MORNING RECEPTIONS OR CALLS. 85 door, if the servant has not preceded and announced you, knock, and await her invitation to enter. Then, once in, take no notice of the room, but go instantly to your friend. If she is sewing, do not speak of the nature of her work, but request her to continue, as if you were not present. In cases of long standing friendship, you will not, of course, stand upon the ceremony of waiting for each and every one of your calls to be returned before paying another, but be careful that you are not too lavish of your visits. The most cordial welcome may be worn threadbare, if it is called into use too often. If you are visiting an invalid, or one confined by physical infirmity to one apartment, while you are cheer- ful and ready to impart all the news that will interest them, do not, by too glowing descriptions of out-door pleasures, make them feel more keenly their own depri- vations. It is well, when making such calls, to converse upon literature, or such general subjects as will not re- mind them of their misfortune. In cases where, from long illnjgss or other infirmity, a gentleman friend is confined entirely to his room, you may, with perfect propriety, call upon him. It is both polite and kind to do so, as otherwise he would be deprived entirely of the society of his lady friends. Many thus unfortunately situated, from study and read- ing while so shut out from the world, become the most delightful companions If, when you make a call, you unfortunately intrude upon an early dinner hour, do not go in, but leave your tard, and say that you will call again. 86 ladies' book of etiquette. If you call upon two ladies who are boarding at the same house, do not send up your card to both at the same time. If one is out, send a card to her room, and then send up for the other. If the first one is in, wan till she comes down, and then chat as long as a 3all usually lasts. When you rise as if to take leave, ac- company your friend to the parlor door, then tell ner that you are going to send up for your other friend. She will bid you good-morning, and go to her own room ; ring the bell after she leaves you, and send your card by the waiter to your other friend. In calling at a hotel, enter by the ladies' door, and send your card to the room of your friend by the waiter. It is well, if you are calling upon an entire stranger, to choose a seat, and tell the waiter to say to the lady exactly where she will find you. She will probably enter with your card in her hand ; then rise, greet her by name, and introduce yourself. If you speak to another stranger upon the same errand as the one you expect, the error will be instantly perceived by the dif ference in name. If a stranger, bringing a letter of in troduction, sends the letter with her card, instead of calling, courtesy requires you to make the first call, im- mediately ; the same day that you receive the letter, if possible, if not, the day after. etf AFTER XI. DINNER COMPANY. ETIQUETTE FOR THE HOSTESS. In issuing invitations for a large dinner partj, the usual form is — Mr. and Mrs. G request the favor of Mr. and Mrs. L '« company to dinner, on Wednesday, March Sth, at o'clock. If your husband is giving a party to gentlemen only, he will have a card printed or written for the occasion, but your duties as hostess, if he wishes you to preside, will still be as arduous as if your own friends were in- cluded in the invitation. The directions given in the chapter on " Evening par- ties" for the arrangement of the parlor and the dressing- rooms, will apply here equally well, but the dining-room ^in this case the centre of attraction) requires still more careful attention. Any fault here will mar your own comfort and the pleasure of your guests, and must be carefully avoided. Send out your invitations by a servant, or man hired 87 88 ladies' book of etiquette. for the purpose ; do not trust them to despatch or penny post. Be careful in selecting the guests for a dinner party. Remember that conversation will be the sole entertain- ment for several hours, and if your guests are not well chosen, your dinner, no matter how perfect or costly the viands, will prove a failure. The most agreeable dinners are those whose numbers will allow all the guests to join in a common conversation, and where the host has spirit and intelligence to take the lead, and start a new subject when the interest in the old one begins to flag. Dinners where the guests depend entirely upon the person next them for conversation, are apt to be stupid, as it requires marvelous tact to pair off all the couples, so that every one will be entertaining in tete-a-tete conversation. To give a good dinner, your means, room, and estab lishiftent must all be taken into consideration when you are preparing for a dinner company. If you invite a large number, you must increase your establishment for the occasion, as to sit down to a dinner badly served, with a scarcity of waiters, is tiresome, and shows little tact or grace on the part of the hostess. One cook cannot prepare dinner properly for more than ten persons, and three waiters will find ample em- ployment in w^aiting upon the same number. More than this number will require a table too large for general, easy conversation, and throw your company into couples or trios, for entertainment. Have your table spread in a room that will accommo- date all the guests comfortably, at the same time avoid putting a small social party in a large room, where they DINNER COMPANY. 8S will appear lost in the space around them. Let the room be comfortably warmed, and if your dinner is late, have the apartments well lighted. If you sit down by daylight, but will remain in the room until after dark, have the shutters closed and the lights lit, before the dinner is announced, as nothing can be more awkward than to do this in the middle of the meal. The shape of a table is a point of more importance than some people think. If you wish your dinner to bo social — ^not a mere collection of tete-a-tetes — the table should be of a shape which will make it easy for each guest to address any one at the table. The long parallelogram, with the host at one end and the hostess at the other, is stiff, too broad, too long, and isolates the givers of the feast from the- guests. The round table, if large enough to accommodate many guests, has too large a diameter each way for easy conversation. The best table is the oval, and the host and hostess should sit in the middle of each side, facing each other. The dining r^om, even in the heat of summer, should be carpeted, to deaden the noise of the servants' feet. The chairs should be easy, without arms, and with tall, slanting backs. It adds much to the comfort, if each person is provided with a foot-stool. You must have, besides the waiters, one servant to carve, and he must be an adept. No iish should be carved upon the table, and that no guest shall wait too long for his meat, you must engage a rapid and dexterous carver. For a party of ten, two waiters, and the carver, ar« 90 ladies' book of etiquette. amply sufficient. If you have too many servants, they will only interfere Avith each other, and stand staring at the guests. Give your orders before dinner, and through the meal never speak to the servants. Your whole at- tention must be given to the guests. Even if you see that matters are going wrong, do not let your annoyance appear, but gracefully ignore the painful facts. Let each servant have his regular position at the table. One should take the guests at the right of the hostess, and the left of the host ; the other the guests on the other side. They should wear light, noiseless shoes, and white gloves, and each one carry a folded napkin over his right arm. The main point in the arrangement of the table itself, is to secure beauty, without interfering with conversation. The table cover and napkins must be of snowy damask, the glass clear as crystal, and taste must preside over each detail. Let nothing high be placed on the table, that will effectually separate the guests from each other. There should be, first, a handsome centre piece, and this may be of glass, silver, or china, and not too high or large, and must be elegant as a work of art, or it is better omitted altogether. Preserve or fruit stands, tastefully decorated, with the fruit on fresh, green leaves, and flowers mingled with them, form exquisite centre pieces. A pyramid of flowers, or tasty vase or basket, forms, too, a beautiful ornament for the centre of the table. Li ad- dition to this, the French scatter vases of flowers all over the table, at the corners and in the centre. Some place a small, fragrant bouquet before the plate cf each gueet. Nothing can be more beautiful than this arrangement DINNER COMPANY. 9i Glasses of celery, dishes of clear, transparent jellies or preserves, extpisite little glass plates of pickles should stand in order on the table. Place before each guest, the plate, knife, fork, spoon, four wine-glasses of various sizes, the goblet for water, napkin, small salt cellar, salt spoon, and roll of bread. Pbicc none of the meats or vegetables upon the large table. These should all be served at a side-table, each guest selecting his own, to be handed by the servants. The first course is soup. As this is not meant to destroy the appetite for other viands, it should be light, not too rich or thick. Let the servant hand one ladlefull to each person. If you have more than one kind, he must first inquire which each guest prefers. If you have wines, let them be handed round after the ' soup. Next comes the fish. If you have large fish, let a slice, cut smoothly, not made into a hash by awkward carving, be placed upon the plate of the guest, with a slice of egg, and drawn butter. If the fish are small, one should be placed upon each plate. Then come the patties of oysters, minced -real, or lobster ; or, instead of these, you may have poultry or game. Next the roast. With the meats have vegetables served on a separate plate, that the guest may take as much as he wishes with meat. You will, of course, have a variety of vegetables, but scarcely any guest will choose more than two. The pastry and puddings come next in order, and tese, too, are better served from a side table. Between 92 ladies' book of etiquette. the pastry and the dessert, have salad and cheese placed before each guest. If you eat dessert in the same room that you dine in, it should be placed upon the table (with the exception of the ices) before the guests are seated, and this comes after the pastry has been discussed. It should consist of fruit and ices. A pleasanter and more elegant way, is to have the fruit and ices spread in a separate room, and leave the dining room after the pastry has been eaten. The change of position, the absence of the meat flavor in the atmosphere, make the dessert much more delightful than if it is eaten in the same room as the dinner. In summer especially, the change to a cool, fresh room, where the ices and fruits are tastefully spread, and flowers are scattered profusely about the room, delights every sense. Cofiee follows the dessert, and when this enters, if your guests are gentlemen only, your duty is at an end. You may then rise, leave the room, and need not re-ap- pear. If you have lady guests, you give the signal for rising after cofiee, and lead the way to the parlor, where, in a few moments, the gentlemen will again join you. Suppose your guests invited, servants instructed, every arrangement made, and the important day arrived. The next point to consider is the reception of your guests. Be dressed in good season, as many seem to consider an invitation to dinner as one to pass the day, and come early. Take a position in your drawing-room, where each guest will find you easily, and remain near it, un*i1 DINNER COMPANY. 93 every guest Las arrived. As each one enters, advance to meet him, and extend your hand. Have plenty of chairs ready in the drawing-r(Jom, as an invitation to dinner by no means argues a '' stand up" party. As you have already arranged every detail, your duty as hostess consists in receiving your guests grace- fully, conversing and looking as charmingly as possible. Flowers in the drawing-room are as great a proof of taste as in the dining room. As the time just before dinner is very apt to be tire- some, you should bring forward all the armor against stupidity that you possess. Display upon tables arranged conveniently about the room, curiosities, handsome books, photographs, engravings, stereoscopes, medallions, any works of art you may own, and have the ottomans, sofas, and chairs so placed that your guests can move easily about the room, or rooms. The severest test of good breeding in a lady, is in the position of hostess, receiving dinner guests. Your guests may arrive all at once, yet you must make each one feel that he or she is the object of your individual attention, and none must be hurt by neglect. They may arrive very early, yet your duty is to make the time fly until dinner is announced. They may come late, and risk the ruin of your ciioicest dishes, yet you must not, upon pain of a breach of etiquette, show the least an- noyance. If you know that the whole kitchen is in arras at the delay, you must conceal the anguish, as the Spartan boy did his pangs, to turn a cheerful, smiling ^ce upon the tardy guests. "Wlien dinner is announced, you will lead the way 94 LADIES* BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. to the dining-room upon the arm of one of your gentle- men guests, having paired off the company in couplea The host comes in hist with a lady upon his arm. You may indicate to each couple, as they enter the dining-room, the seats they are to occupy, standing until all are seated, or you may allow them to choose their own places. The English fashion of placing a card upon each plate with the name of the person to take that seat upon it, is a good one. It enables the hostess to place those whom she is certain will be mutually entertaining, next each other. Place the gentleman who escorts you from the parlor at your right hand. Having once taken your seat at table, you have nothing to do with the dinner but to partake of it. Nc a w^ord, or even a glance, will a well-bred hostess bestow upon the servants, nor will she speak to the guests of the dishes. Their choice rests between themselves and the waiters, and you must take no notice of what they eat, how much, or how little. Nay, should they partake of one dish only, you must ignore the fact. The greatest tact is displayed where the hostess makes each guest feel perfectly at ease. She will aid her hus band both in leading and supporting the conversation and will see that no guest is left in silence from want ot attention. Whilst she ignores every breach of etiquette her guests may commit, she must carefully observe every rule herself, and this she must do in an easy, natural manner, avoiding every appearance of restraint. Iler deportment, she may be sure, is secretly Avatched and criticised by each guest, yet she must appear utterlj DINNER COMPANY. 96 nnconscious that she is occupying any conspicuous posi- tion. To watch the servants, or appear uneasy, lest some- thing should go wrong, is excessively ill-bred, and if any accident does occur, you only make it worse by n > ticing it. To reprove or speak sharply to a servant be- fore your guests, manifests a shocking want of good breeding. The rules given above are only applicable to large dinner parties, and where the guests are few, and the host himself carves, these rules will not apply .^ In this case, as you will only require the services of your own household domestics, you must, of course, attend per- sonally to the wants of your guests. Dinner not being served from a side table, you must, while putting tasteful ornaments upon it, be careful not to crowd them, and leave room for the substantial dishes. You must watch the plate of each guest, to see that it is well ^provided, and you will invite each one to par- take of the various dishes. Have a servant to pass the plates from you to each guest, and from the host to you, after he has put the meat upon them, that you may add gravy and vegetables before they are set before your visitors. At these smaller dinner companies, avoid apologizing for anything, either in the viands or the arrangement of them. You have provided the best your purse will al- low, prepared as faultlessly as possible ; you will only gain credit for mock modesty if you apologize for a well- prepared, well -spread dinner, and if there are faults they 95 LADIES* BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. will only be made more conspicuous if attention is drawn to them by an apology. Ease of manner, quiet dignity, cheerful, intelligent conversation, and gentle, lady-like deportment, never ap- pear more charming than when they adorn a lady at the head of her own table. CHAPTER XII. DINNER CQMPANY. ETIQUETTE FOR THE GUEST. When you receive an invitation to join a dinner-parly, Inswer it immediately, as, by leaving your hostess in doubt whether you intend to accept or decline her hospi- tality, you make it impossible for her to decide how many she must prepare for. If you accept at first, and any unforeseen event keeps you from fulfilling your en- gagement, write a second note, that your hostess may not wait dinner for you. Such a note, if circumstances render it necessary to write it, may be sent with perfect propriety an hour before the time appointed for dinner, though, if you are aware that you cannot attend, earlier, you must send the information in good season. You should enter the house of your hostess from a quarter to half an hour earlier than the time appointed for dining. Proceed at once to the dressing-room, and arrange your dress and hair, and then enter the drawing- room. By going to the house too early, you may hasten or interrupt the toilet arrangements of your hostess; 7 97 98 LADIES* BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. while, by being late, you will establish a most disagreea« ble association in the minds of all present, as " the ladj who kept dinner waiting at Mrs. L 's." Immediately upon entering the parlor find your hostess, and speak to her first. It is very rude to stop to chat with other guests before greeting the lady of the house. You may bow to any one you know, in passing, but do not stop to speak. Having exchanged a few words with your hostess, turn to the other guests, unless you are the first arrival. In that case, converse with your host and hostess until others come in. Be careful, if dinner is delayed by the tardiness of the guests, or from any other cause, that you do not show by your manner that you are aware of such delay. To look towards the door often, consult your watch, or give tokens of weariness, are all marks of ill-breeding. Your hostess will probably be sufficiently annoyed by the irregularity itself ; do not add to her discomfort by allow- ing her to suppose that her guests perceive the deficien- cies. Look over the books and pictures with an air of interest, converse cheerfnlly, and in every way appear as if dinner were a matter of secondary importance, (as, indeed, it should be,) compared with the pleasure of the society around you. When the signal for dinner is given, your hostess will probably name your escort to the table. If he is a stranger, bow in acknowledgement of the introduction, take his arm, .and fall into your place in the stream of guests passing from the parlor to the dining-room. Take the seat pointed out by your hostess, or the waiter, as soon as it is ofiered. Each one will do this DINNER COMPAN"X, 99 upon entering, and it prevents the confusion that will re- Bult if those first entering the room, remain standing until all tlie other guests come in. When you take your seat, he careful that your chair does not stand upon the dress of the lady next you, as she may not rise at the same instant that you do, and so you risk tearing her dress. Sit gracefully at the tahle ; neither so close as to make your movements awkward, nor so far away as to drag your food over your dress before it reaches your mouth. It is well to carry in your pocket a small pincushion, and, having unfolded your napkin, to pin it at the belt. You may do this quietly, without its being perceived, and you will thus really save your dress. If the napkin is merely laid open upon your lap, it will be very apt to slip down, if your dress is of silk or satin, and you risk the chance of appearing again in the drawing-room with the front of your dress soiled or greased. If, by the carelessness or awkwardness of your neigh- bors or the servants, you have a plate of soiip, glass of wine, or any dish intended for your mouth, deposited upon your dress, do not spring up, or make any exclama- tion. You may wipe off the worst of the spot with your napkin, and then let it pass without further notice. If an apology is made by the unlucky perpetrator of tho accident, try to set him at his ease by your own lady- like composure. He will feel sorry and awkward enough, without reproach, sullenness, or cold looks from you. Gloves and mittens are no longer worn at table, even at the largest dinner-parties. 100 LADIES* BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. To make remarks upon the guests or the dishes is.eX' cessivelj rude. If the conversation is general, speak loudly enough to be heard by those around you, but, at the same time, avoid raising your voice too much. If the company is very large, and you converse only with the person imme- iiately beside you, speak in a distinct, but low tone, that you may not interrupt other coifples, but carefully avoid whispering or a confidential air. Both are in excessively bad taste. To laugh in a suppressed way, has the ap- pearance of laughing at those around you, and a loud, boisterous laugh is always unlady-like. Converse cheer- fully, laugh quietly, but' freely, if you will, and while you confine. your attention entirely to your neighbor, fltill avoid any air of secrecy or mystery. Never use an eye-glass, either to look at the persons around you or the articles upon the table. Eat your soup quietly. To make any noise in eating it, is simply disgusting. Do not break bread into your soup. Break off" small pieces and put into your mouth, if you will, but neither bite it from the roll nor break it up, and eat it from your soup-plate with a spoon. In eating bread with meat, never dip it into the gravy on your plate, and then bite the end off. If you wish to eat it with gravy, break off a small piece, put it upon your plate, and then, with a fork, convey it to your mouth. When helped to fish, remove, with knife and fork, all the bones, then lay down the knife, and, with a piece of bread in your left hand and a fork in your right, eat the Qakes of fish. DINNER COMPANY. 101 Need I say that the knife is to cut your food with, and must never be used while eating? To put it in your mouth is a distinctive mark of low-breeding. If you have selected what you will eat, keep the plate that is placed before you ; never pass it to the persons next you, as they may have an entirely different choice of meat or vegetables. Never attempt to touth any dish that is upon the table, but out of your reach, by stretching out your arms, leaning forward, or, still worse, standing up. Ask the waiter to hand it, if you wish for it; or, if the gentleman beside you can easily do so, you may ask him to pass it to you. Do not press those near you to take more or other things than are upon their plate. This is the duty of the hostess, or, if the company is large, the servants will attend to it. For you to do so is officious and ill- bred. When conversing let your knife and fork rest easily upon your plate, even if still in your hand. Avoid nolding them upright. Keep your own knife, fork, and spoon solely for the articles upon your own plate. To use them for helping yourself to butter or salt, is rude in the extreme. When you do not use the salt-spoon, sugar tongs, and butter-knife, you may be sure that those around you will conclude that you have never seen the articles, and do not know their use. * You neei not fear to offend by refusing to take wine with a gentleman, even your host. If you decline grace- fully, he will appreciate the delicacy which makes you 102 LADIES* BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. refuse. If, however, you have no conscientious scruj les, and are invited to take wine, bow, and merely raise the glass to your lips, then set it down again. You may thus acknowledge the courtesy, and yet avoid actually drinking the wine. No lady should drink wine at dinner. Even if her head is strong enough to bear it, she will find her cheeks, soon after the indulgence, flushed, hot, and un- comfortable; and if the room is warm, and the dinner a long one, she will probably pay the penalty of her folly, by having a headache all the evening. If offered any dish of which you do not wish to par- take, decline it, but do not assign any reason. To ob- ject to the dish itself is an insult to your entertainers, and if you assert any reason for your own dislike it is Ill-bred. Do not bend too much forward over your food, and converse easily. To eat fast, or appear to be so much engrossed as to be unable to converse, is ill-bred ; and it makes those around you suspect that you are so little accustomed to dining well, that you fear to stop eating an instant, lest you should not get enough. It is equally ill-bred to accept every thing that is offered to you. Never take more than two vegetables ; do not take a second plate of soup, pastry, or pudding. Indeed, it is best to accept but one plate of any article. Never use a spoon for anything but liquids, and never touch anything to eat, excepting bread, celery, or fruit, with your fingers. In the intervals which must occur between the courses, io not appear to be conscious of the lapse of time Weal DINNER COMPANY. lOS a careless air when waiting, conversing cheerfully and pleasantly, and avoid looking round the r:)om, as if won- dering what the waiters are about. Never eat every morsel that is upon your plate ; and Burely no lady will ever scrape her plate, or pass the bread round it, as if to save the servants the trouble of washing it. Take such small mouthfulls that you can always be ready for conversation, but avoid playing with your food, or partaking of it with an affectation of delicate appetite. Your hostess may suppose you despise her fare, if you appear so very choice, or eat too sparingly. If your state of health deprives you of appetite, it is bad enough for you to decline the invitation to dine out. Never examine minutely the food before you. Yon insult your hostess by such a proceeding, as it looks as if you feared to find something upon the plate that should not be there. If you find a worm on opening a nut, or in any of the fruit, hand your plate quietly, and without remark, to the waiter, and request him to bring you a clean one. Do not let others perceive the movement, or the cause of It, if you can avoid so doing. Never make a noise in eating. To munch or smack ihe lips are vulgar faults. Sit quietly at table, avoid stiffness, but, at the same lime, be careful that you do not annoy others by your lestlessness. Do not eat so fast as to be done long before others, nor io slowly as to keep them waiting. When the finger-glas^ses are passed round, dip the ends 104 ladies' book of etiquette. of your fingers into them, and wipe them upon yoai napkin ; then do not fold your napkin, but place it beside your plate upon the table. To carry away fruit or bonbons from the table is a Bign of low breeding. Rise with the other ladies when your hostess gives the signal. After returning to the parlor, remain in the house at least an hour after dinner is over. If you have another engagement in the evening, you may then take your leave, but not before. You will insult your hostess by leaving sooner, as it appears that you came only for the dinner, and that being over, your interest in the ho ise, for the tim3, has ceased. It is only beggars who " eafi and run!" CHAPTER XIII, TABLE ETIQUETTE. In order to appear perfectly well-bred at table "when m company, or in public, as at a hotel, you must pay attention, three times a day, to the points of table etiquette. If you neglect these little details at home and in private, they will be performed awkwardly and with an air of restraint when you are in company. By making them habitual, they will become natural, and ap- pear easily, and sit gracefully upon you. Even when eating entirely alone, observe these little details, thus making the most finished and elegant man- ners perfectly familiar, and thus avoiding the stiff, iwkward air you will wear if you keep your politeness only for company, when you will be constantly appre- hensive of doing wrong. At breakfast or tea, if your seat is at the head of tho table, you must, before taking anything upon your own plate, fill a cup for each one of the family, and pass them round, being careful to suit each one in the preparation of the cup, that none may return to you for more tea, water, sugar, or milk. If you have a visitor, pass the cup with the tea or coffee alone in it, and hand with the 105 106 LAl/IES* BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. cup the sugar bowl and cream pitcher, that these may be added in the quantity preferred. After all the cups have been filled and passed round, you may take the bread, butter, and other food upon your own plate. Train your children, so that they will pass these things to you as soon as they see you are ready to receive them. If you are ^^ourself at the side of the table, pass the bread, butter, etc., to the lady at the head, when you seo that she has sent the cups from the waiter before her, to those seated at the table. If you occupy the place of head of the table, you must watch the cups, offer to fill them when empty, and also see that each one of the family is well helped to the other articles upon the table Avoid making any noise in eating, even if each meal is eaten in solitary state. It is a disgusting habit, and one not easily cured if once contracted, to make any noise with the lips when eating. Never put large pieces of food into your mouth. Eat slowly, and cut your food into small pieces before putting it into your mouth. Use your fork, or spoon, never your knife, to put your food into your mouth At dinner, hold in your left hand a piece of bread, and raise your meat or vegetables with the fork, holding the bread to prevent the pieces slipping from the plate. If you are asked at table what part of the meat you prefer, name your favorite piece, but do not give such information unless asked to do so. To point out any especial part of a dish, and ask for it, is ill-bred, T< TABLE ETIQCETTE. 107 answer, when asked to select a part, that " it is a matter of indifference," or, " I can eat any part," is annoying to the carver, as he cares less than yourself certainly, and would prefer to give you the piece you really like best. Do not pour coffee or tea from your cup into your saucer, and do not blow either these or soup. Wait until they cool. Use the butter-knife, salt-spoon, and sugar-tongs as scrupulously when alone, as if a room full of people- were watching you. Otherwise, you may neglect to do so when the omission will mortify you. j.'^ever put poultry or fish bones, or the stones of fruit, upon the table-cloth, but place them on the edge of your plate. Do not begin to eat until others at the table are ready to commence too. Sit easily in your chair, neither too near the table, nor too far from it, and avoid such tricks as putting your arms on the table, leaning back lazily in your chair, or playing with your knife, fork, or spoon. Never raise your voici^ when speaking, any higher than is necessary. The clear articulation and distinct pronunciation of each word, will make a low tone more agreeable and more easily understood, than the loudest tone, if the speech is rapid or indistinct. Never pass your plate with the knife or fork upon it, and when you pass your cup, put the spoon in the saucer. Never pile up the food on your plate. It looks as if you feared it wouli all be gone before you could be 108 LADIES* BOOR OF ETIQUETTE. helped again, and it "will certainly make your attempts to cut the food awkward, if your plate is crowded. If there is a delicacy upon the table, partake of it sparingly, and never help yourself to it a second time. If you wish to cough, or use your handkerchief, rise from the table, and leave the room. If you have not time to do this, cover your mouth, and turn your head aside from the table, and perform the disagreeable necessity "as rapidly and quietly as possible. Avoid gesticulation at the table. Indeed, a well-bred lady will never gesticulate, but converse quietly, letting the expression and animation of her features give force to her words. Never, when at the home table, leave it until the other members of the family are also ready to rise. CHAPTER XIV. CONDUCT IN THE STREET A LADT*S conduct is never so entirely at the mercy of critics, because never so public, as when she is in the Btreet. Her dress, carriage, walk, will all be exposed to notice ; every passer-by will look at her, if it is only for one glance ; every unlady-like action will be marked ; and in no position will a dignified, lady-like deportment be more certain to command respect. Let me start with you upon your promenade, my friend, and I will soon decide your place upon the list of well-bred ladies. First, your dress. Not that scarlet shawl, with a green dress, I beg, and — oh ! spare my nerves ! — you are not so insane as to put on a blue bonnet. That's right. If you wish to wear the green dress, don a black shawl, and — that white bonnet will do very well. One rule you must lay down with regard to a walking dress. It must never be conspicuous. Let the material be rich, if you will ; the set of each garment faultless ; have collar and sleeves snowy white, and wear neatly-fitting, whole, clean gloves and boots. Every detail may be scrupulously attended to, but let the whole effect be quiet and 109 no ladies' book of etiquette. mo.hst. Wear a little of one bright color, if you w:ll, but not more than one. Let each part of the dress harmonize with all the rest ; avoid the extreme of fashion, and let the dress suit?/ow. If you are short and plump, do not wear flounces, because they are fashionable, and avoid large plaids, even if they are the very latest style. If tall and slight, do not add to the length of your figure by long stripes, a little mantilla, and a caricature of a bonnet, with long, streaming ribbons. A large, round face will never look well, staring from a tiny, delicate bonnet ; nor will a long, thin one stand the test much better. Wear what is becoming to yourself^ and only bow to fashion enough to avoid eccentricity. To have everything in the extreme of fashion, is a sure mark of vulgarity. Wear no jewelry in the street excepting your watch and brooch. Jewelry is only suited for full evening dress, when all the other details unite to set it off. If it Ib real, it is too valuable to risk losing in the street, and if it is not real, no lady should wear it. Mock jew- elry is utterly detestable. What are you doing? Sucking the head of your parasol ! Have you not breakfasted ? Take that piece of ivory from your mouth ! To suck it is unlady-like, and let me tell you, excessively unbecoming. Rosy lifja and pearly teeth can be put to a better use. Why did you not dress before you came out ? It is a mark of ill-breeding to draw your gloves on in the street. Now your bonnet-strings, and now — your collar ! Pray arrange your dress before you leave the house ! Nothing looks worse than to see a lady fussing over her dress in CONDUCT IN THE STREET. Ill tlie street. Take a few moments more in jour dressing- room, and so arrange your dress that you will not need to think of it again whilst you are out. Do not walk so fast ! you are not chasing anybody ! Walk slowly J gracefully ! Oh, do not drag one foot after the other as if you were fast asleep — set down the foot lightly, but at the same time firmly ; now, carry your head up, not so ; you hang it down as if you feared to look any one in the face ! Nay, that is the other ex- treme ! Now you look like a drill-major, on parade I So ! that is the medium. Erect, yet, at the same time, easy and elegant. Now, my friend, do not swing your arms. You don't know what to do with them ? Your parasol takes one hand ; hold your dress up a little with the other. Not so ! No lady should raise her dress above the ankle. Take care ! don't drag your dress through that mud puddle ! Worse and worse ! If you take hold of your dress on both sides, in that way, and drag it up so high, you will be set down as a raw country girl. So. Raise it just above the boot, all round, easily, letting it fall again in the old folds. Don't shake it down; it will fall back of itself. Stop ! don't you see there is a carriage coming ? Do you want to be thrown down by the horses ? You can run across? Yeiy lady-like indeed! Surely nothing can be more ungraceful than to see a lady shuffle and run across a street. Wait until the way is clear and then walk slowly across. Do not try to raise your skirts. It is better to soil them. fYou were very foolish to wear white skirts this 112 ladies' book of etiquette. muddy day.) They are easily washed, and you cannot raise all. You will surely be awkward in making the at- tempt, and probably fail, in spite of your efforts. Trae, they will be badly soiled, and you expose this when you raise the dress, but the state of the streets must be seen by all who see your share of the dirt, and they will apologize for your untidy appearance in a language dis- tinctly understood. Don't hold your parasol so close to your face, nor so low down. You cannot see your way clear, and you will run against somebody. Ahvays hold an umbrella or parasol so that it will clear your bonnet, and leave the space before your face open, that you may see your way clearly. If you are ever caught in a shower, and meet a gentle- man friend who ofifers an umbrella, accept it, if he will accompany you to your destination ; but do not deprive him of it, if he is not able to join you. Should he in- sist, return it to his house or store the instant you reach home, with a note of thanks. If a stranger offers you the same services, decline it positively, but courteously, at the same time thanking him. Never stop to speak to a gentleman in the street. If you have anything important to say to him, allow him to join and walk with you, but do not stop. It is best to follow the same rule with regard to ladies, and either walk with them or invite them to walk with you, instead of stopping to talk. A lady who desires to pay strict regard to etiquette, will not stop to gaze in at the shop windows. It looka countrified. If she is alone, it looks as if she wore wait CONDUCT m THE STREET. IIS / ing for some one ; and if she is not alone, she is victim izing some one else, to satisfy her curiosity. Remember that in meeting your gentlemen friends it ia your duty to speak first, therefore do not cut them by waiting to be recognized. Be sure, however, that they see you before you bow, or you place yourself in tho awkward position of having your bow pass, unreturned. You are not expected to recognize any friend on the opposite side of the street. Even if you see them, do not bow. Avoid " cutting" any one. It is a small way of show- ing spite, and lowers you more than your enemy. If you wish to avoid any further intercourse bow, coldly and gravely, but do not look at any one, to whom you are in the habit of bowing, and pass without bowing. If you do this, they may flatter themselves that they were really unrecognized, but a distant, cold bow will show them that you speak from civility only, not from friend- ship. In the street a lady takes the arm of a relative, her affianced lover, or husband, but of no other gentleman, unless the streets are slippery, or in the evening. When a lady walks with two gentlemen, she should endeavor to divide her attention and remarks equally be- tween them. If you do stop in the street, draw near the walls, that you may ncJt keep others from passing. Loud talking and laughing in the street are excessively Tulgar. Not only this, but they expose a lady to the most severe misconstruction. Let your conduct be mod est and quiet. 8 . . 114 ladies' book of etiquette. If a gentleman, although a stranger, offers his hand to assist you in leaving a carriage, omnibus, or to aid you in crossing where it is wet or muddy, accept his civility, thank him, bow and pass on. If you wish to take an omnibus or car, see that it ia not already full. If it is, do not get in. You will an- noy others, and be uncomfortable yourself. It is best to carry change to pay car or omnibus fare, as you keep others waiting whilst the driver is making change, and it is apt to fall into the straw when passing from one hand to another. If a gentleman gives you his seat, hands your fare, or offers you any such attention, thank him. It is not countrified, it is lady -like. If you do not speak, tow. Be careful not to be alone in the streets after night fall. It exposes you to insult. If you are obliged to go out, have a servant, or another lady, if you cannot procure the escort of a gentleman, which is, of course, the best. Walk slowly, do not turn your head to the right oi left, unless you wish to walk that way, and avoid any gesture or word that will attract attention. Never look back ! It is excessively ill-bred. Make no remarks upon those who pass you, while there is even a possibility that they may hear you. Never stare at any one, even if they have peculiarities, which make them objects of remark. In taking your place in an omnibus or car, do so quietly, and then sit perfectly still. Do not change your place or move restlessly. Make room for others if you •ee that the opposite side is full. CONDUCT IN THE STREET 115 If you walk with a gentleman, when he reaches your door invite him in, but if he declines, do not urge him. If you are returning from a ball or party, and the hour is a very late (or early) one, you are not bound in polite- ness to invite your escort to enter ; the hour will be youi apology for omitting the ceremonj. CHAPTER Xf, LETTER WRITING. There is no branch of education called sc universally into requisition as the art of letter writing ; no station, high or low, where the necessity for correspondence is not felt ; no person, young or old, who does not, at some time, write, cause to be written, and receive letters. From the President in his official capacity, with the busy pens of secretaries constantly employed in this branch of service, to the Irish laborer who, unable to guide a pen, writes, also by proxy, to his kinsfolks across the wide ocean ; all, at some time, feel the desire to transmit some message, word of love, business, or sometimes enmity, by letter. Yet, in spite of the universal need, and almost uni- versal habit, there are really but very few persons who write a good letter ; a letter that is, at the same time lon2^ enough to interest, yet not long enough to tire ; sufficiently condensed to keep the attention, and not tedious, and yet detailed enough to afford satisfaction; that is correct in grammatical construction, properl;y punctuated, written in a clear, legible hand, with thi late, address, signature, all in the proper place, no word* 116 LETTER WRITING. 117 whose letters stand in utter defiance to spelling-book rules : in short, a well-written letter. Thousands, millions are sent from post to post every day. The lightning speed of the telegraph takes its messages from city to city ; the panting steamer carries from continent to continent its heavy mail-bags, laden with its weight of loving messages; the "iron horse" drags behind it, its measure of the many missives ; while, in the far-distant Western wilds, the lumbering wagoii bears its paper freight, with its pen eloquence, to cheer and comfort, or sadden and crush, the waiting emigrants, longing for news of home. To some, who, with hearts desolated by the separation from the home circle, could read, with an eager interest, volumes of the most common-place, trivial incidents, if only connected with the. loved ones there, will come pages, from the pen of the* dearest relative, full of learning, wit, and wisdom, wholly uninteresting to the receiver. Why is this ? Not from any desire upon the part of the writer to display learning or talent, but because, writing a letter being to them a great undertaking, and the letter being destined to go a long distance, they look upon it as an event too unusual to be wasted in detailing the simple, every-day details of domestic life, and ransack memory and learning for a subject worthy of the long journey and unusual labor. Others will have, from mere acquaintances, long, tedious details of uninteresting trivialities, and from the near relatives, short, dry epistles, which fal? like stonea 11® T4DIT2S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. upon the hea^-t lonorin^ for little, affectionate expressions, and lioiue meranries From some letter writers, who are in the midst of BCenes and events of the most absorbing interest, letters arrive, only a few line? long, without one allusion to the interesting matter lying so profusely around them ; while others, with the scantiest of outward subjects, will, from their own teeming brain, write bewitching, absorbing epistles, read with eagerness, laid aside with the echo of Oliver Twist's petition in a sigh ; the reader longin^T' for "more." It is, of course, impossible to lay down any distinct rule for the style of letter writing. Embracing, as it does, all subjects and all classes, all countries and asso- ciations, and every relation in which one person can stand to another, what would be an imperative rule in some cases, becomes positive absurdity in other??. Every letter will vary from others written before, in either its subject, the person addressed, or the circumstances which make it necessary to write it. Letter writing is, in fact, but conversation, carried on with the pen, when distance or circumstances prevent the easier method of exchanging ideas, by spoken words. Write, therefore, as you would speak, were the person to whom your letter is addressed seated beside you. As amongst relatives and intimate friends you would con- verse with a familiar manner, and in easy language, so in your letters to such persons, let your style be simple, 3ntirely devoid of effort. Again, when introduced to a stranger, or conversing with one much older than yourself, your manner is re IBTTER WRITING. 113 Bpfictful and dignified ; so let the letters addressed to those on these terms with yourself, be written in a more ceremonious style, but at the same time avoid stiffness, jind -dX ove all, pedantry. A letter of advice to a child, would of course demand an entirely different style, from that written by a young .lady to a friend or relative ad- vanced in life ; yet the general rule, " write as you would converse," applies to each and every case. Neatness is an important requisite in a letter. To Bend a fair, clean sheet, with the words written in a clear, legible hand, will go a great way in ensuring a cordial welcome for your letter. Avoid erasures, as they spoil the beauty of your sheet. If it is necessary to correct a word, draw your pen through it, and write the word you wish to use as a substitute, above the one erased ; do not scratch out the word and write another over it : it is untidy, and the second word is seldom legible. Another requisite for a good letter is a clear, concise style. Use language that will be easily understood, and avoid the parenthesis. Important passages in letters are often lost entirely, by the ambiguous manner in which they are worded, or rendered quite as unintelligible by the blots, erasures, or villainously bad hand-writing. A phrase may, by the addition or omission of one word, or by the alteration of one punctuation mark, convey to the reader an entirely different idea from that intended by the writer ; so, while you write plainly, use good language, you must also write carefully, and punctuate properly. If you are in doubt about the correct spelling of a word, do not trust to chance, hoping it may be right, but 120 LADIES' BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. get a dictionary, and be certain that you have spelt it as it ought to be. Simplicity is a great charm in letter-writing. What you send in a letter, is, as a general rule, intended for the perusal of one person only. Therefore to cumber your epistles with quotations, similes, flowery language, and a stilted, pedantic style, is in bad taste. You may use elegant language, yet use it easily. If you use a quotation, let it come into its place naturally, as if flowing in perfect harmony with your ideas, and let it be short. Long quotations in a letter are tiresome. Make no attempt at display in a correspondence. You will err as much in such an attempt, as if, when seated face to face with your correspondent, alone in your own apart- ment, you were to rise and converse with tl e gestures and language of a minister in his pulpit, oi a lecturer upon his platform. As everything, in style, depends upon the subject of the letter, and the person to whom it is addressed, some words follow, relating to some of the various kinds of correspondence : Business Letters should be as brief as is consistent with the subject; clear, and to the point. Say all that is necessary, in plain, distinct language, and say no more. State, in forcible words, every point that it is desirable for your correspondent to be made acquainted with, that your designs and prospects upon the subject may be perfectly well understood. Write, in such a letter, of nothing but the business in hand ; other matters will be out of place there. Nowhere is a confused style, or illegible writing, more unpardonable than in a business LETTER WEITINQ. 121 fetter ; nowhere a good style and hand more important. Avoid flowery language, too many words, all pathos or wit, any display of talent or learning, and every merely personal matter, in a business letter. Letters of Compliment must be restricted, confined entirely to one subject. If passing between acquaint- ances, they should be written in a graceful, at the same time respectful, manner. Avoid hackneyed expressions, commonplace quotations, and long, labored sentences, but while alluding to the subject in hand, as if warmly interested in it, at the same time endeavor to write in a Rtyle of simple, natural grace. Letters of Congratulation demand a cheerful, pleasant style, and an appearance of great interest. They should be written from the heart, and the cordial, warm feelings there will prompt the proper language. Be careful, while offering to your friend the hearty con- gratulations her happy circumstances demand, that you do not let envy at her good fortune, creep into your bead, to make the pen utter complaining words at your own hard lot. Do not dampen her joy, by comparing her happiness with the misery of another. There an many clouds in the life of every one of us. While the sun shines clearly upon the events of your friend's life let her enjoy the brightness and warmth, unshadowed by any words of yours. Give her, to the full, your sympathj* In her rejoicing, cheerful words, warm congratulations, and bright hopes for the future. Should there be, at the time of her happiness, any sad event you wish to com* municate to her, of which it is your duty to inform her, write it in another letter- If you must send it the same 122 ladies' book of etiquette. day, do so, but let the epistle wishing her joy, go alone^ unclouded with the news of sorrow. At the same time, avoid exaggerated expressions of congratulation, lest you are suspected of a desire to be satirical, and avoid under- lining any words. If the language is not forcible enough to convey your ideas, you will not make it better by un- derlining it. If you say to your friend upon her mar- riage, that you wish her '"''joy in her new relations, and liope she may be entirely happy in her domestic life,'* you make her doubt your wishes, and think you mean to ridicule her chances of such happiness. Letters of Condolence are exceedingly trying, both to read and to write. If the affliction which calls for them is one which touches you nearly, really grieving and distressing you, all written words must seem tame and ccld, compared with the aching sympathy which dic- tates them. It is hard with the eyes blinded by tears, and the hand shaking, to write calmly ; and it is impossi- ble to express upon paper all the burning thoughts and words that would pour forth, were you beside the friend whose sorrow is yours. If you do not feel the trial, your task is still more difficult, for no letters demand truth, spoken from the heart, more than letters of condolence. Do not treat the subject for grief too lightly. Writo ^ords of comfort if you will, but do not appear to con Fider the affliction as a trifle. Time may make it less severe, but the first blow of grief must be heavy, and a few words of sincere sympathy will outweigh pages of mere expressions of hope for comfort, or the careless lines that show the letter to be one of mere duty, not Reeling. Let y^ur friend feel that her sorrow makes her LETTER WRITING. 128 dearer to you than ever before, and that her grief ia yours. To treat the subject with levity, or to wander from it into witticisms or every-day chit-chat, is a wanton insult, unworthy of a lady and a friend. Do not mag- nify the event, or plunge the mourner into still deeper despondency by taking a despairing, gloomy view of the sorrow, under which she is bent. Show her the silver lining of her cloud, try to soothe her grief, yet be will ing to admit that it is a cloud, and that she has cause for grief. To throw out hints that the sorrow is sent as a punishment to an offender ; to imply that neglect or im- prudence on the part of the mourner is the cause of the calamity ; to hold up the trial as an example of retribu- tion, or a natural consequence of wrong doing, is cruel, and barbarous. Even if this is true, (indeed, if this is the case, it only aggravates the insult) ; avoid such retro- spection. It is as if a surgeon, called in to a patient suf- fering from a fractured limb, sat down, inattentive to the suffering, to lecture his patient upon the carelessness which caused the accident. One of the most touching letters of condolence ever written was sent by a literary lady, well known in the ranks of our American author- esses, to her sister, who had lost her youngest child. The words were few, merely : — " Sister Darling : ** I cannot write what is in my heart for you to-day, it is too full. Filled with a double sorrow, for you, for my own grief. Tears blind me, my pen trembles in my hand. Oh, to be near you ! to clasp you in my arms \ 124 LADIES* BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. to draw your head to my bosom, and weep with you ' Darling, God comfort you, I cannot. «S." That was all. Yet the sorrowing mother said that no other letter, though she appreciated the kind motive that dictated all, yet none comforted her as did these few lines. Written from the heart, their simple eloquence touched the heart for which they were intended. Early stages of great grief reject comfort, but they long, with intense longing, for sympathy. Letters written to gentlemen should be ceremo- nious and dignified. If the acquaintance is slight, write m the third person, if there is a necessity for a letter. If a business letter, be respectful, yet not servile. It is Letter to avoid correspondence with gentlemen, particu- larly whilst you are young, as there are many objections to it. Still, if a friend of long standing solicits a cor- respondence, and your parents or husband approve and permit compliance with the request, it would be over- prudish to refuse. Write, however, such letters as, if they were printed in the newspapers, would cause you no annoyance. If the acquaintance admits of a frank, friendly style, be careful that your expressions of good will do not become too vehement, and avoid any confi- dential communications. When he begins to ask you to keep such and such passages secret, believe me, it is quite time to drop the correspondence. Letters of Enquiry, especially if they request a favor, should contain a few lines of compliment. If the ^tter is upon a private subject, such as enquiry with re* LETTER WRITma. 126 gar(\ to the illness or misfortune of a friend, aroid makinor it too brief. To write short, careless letters upon such subjects, is unfeeling, and they will surely be attributed to motives of obligation or duty, not to inter- est. Letters of enquiry, referring to family matters, shouhl be delicately worded, and appear dictated by in- terest, not mere curiosity. If the enquiry refers to matters interesting only to yourself, enclose a postage- stamp for the reply. In answering such letters, if they refer to your own health or subjects interesting to your- self, thank the writer for the interest expressed, and an- swer in a satisfactory manner. If the answer interests your correspondent only, do not reply as if the enquiry annoyed you, but express some interest in the matter of the letter, and give as clear and satisfactory reply as is in your power. Letters offering Favors — Be careful in writing to offer a favor, that you do not make your friend feel a heavy weight of obligation by over-rating your services. The kindness will be duly appreciated, and more highly valued if offered in a delicate manner. Too strong a sense of obligation is humiliating, so do not diminish the real value of the service by forcing the receiver to ac- knowledge a fictitious value. Let the recipient of your good will feel that it affords you as much pleasure to con- fer the favor as it will give her to receive it. A letter accompanying a present, should be short and gracefully worded. The affectionate spirit of such little epistles will double the value of the gift which they accompany. Never refer to a favor received, in such a letter, as that trill give your gift the appearance of being payment for 126 LADIES' BOOK OP ETIQUETTE. 3uch favor, and make your letter of about as much value as a tradesman's receipted bill. Letters of Thanks for enquiries made, should be short, merely echoing the words of the letter they an- swer, and contain the answer to the question, with an acknowledgement of your correspondent's irterest. If the letter is your own acknowledgement of a favor con- fer! ed, let the language be simple, but strong, grateful, and graceful. Fancy that you are clasping the hand of the kind friend who has been generous or thoughtful for you, and then write, even as you would speak. Never h nt that you deem such a favor an obligation to be re turned at the first opportunity ; although this may really be the case, it is extremely indelicate to say so. In your letter gracefully acknowledge the obligation, and if, at a later day, you can return the favor, then let actions, not words, prove your grateful recollection of the favor conferred upon you. If your letter is written to ac- knowledge the reception of a present, speak of the beauty or usefulness of the gift, and of the pleasant associations with her name it will always recall. Letters of Recommendation should be truthful, po- lite, and carefully considered. Such letters may te business letters, or they may be given to servants, and they must be given only when really deserved. Do not be hasty in giving them ; remember that you are, in lome measure responsible for the bearer ; therefore, never ftacrifice truth and frankness, to a mistaken idea of kind- ness or politeness. Letters of Introduction must be left unsealed. hey must not contain any allusion to the persona! LETTER WRITING. 12i qualities of the bearer, as such allusion would be about as sure a proof of ill-breeding as if you sat beside your friend, and ran over the list of the virtues and talents possessed by her. The fact that the person bearing the letter is your friend, will be all sufficient reason for cor dial reception by the friend to whom the letter is ad dressed. The best form is : — Philadelphia, June 18^A, 18 — . Mr DEAR Mary : This letter will be handed to you by Mrs. C, to whom I am pleased to introduce you, certain that the acquaint- ance thus formed, between two friends of mine, of so long standing and so much beloved, will be pleasant to both parties. Any attention that you may find it in your power to extend to Mrs. C. whilst she is in your city, will be highly appreciated, and gratefully acknow ledged. by Your sincere friend A . Letters of Advice should not be written unsolicited. They will, in all probability, even when requested, be unpalatable, and should never be sent unless they can really be of service. Write them with frankness and sincerity. To write after an act has been committed, and is irrevocable, is folly, and it is also unkind. You may inform your friend that, "had you been consulted, a different course from the one taken would have been re- commended," and you may really believe this, yet it wili Drobably be false. Seeing the unfavorable result of the 128 LADIES* BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. wrong course will enable you fully to appreciate the wi» dom of the right one, but, had you been consulted when the matter was doubtful, you would probably have been as much puzzled as your friend to judge the proper mode 4jf action. You should word a letter of advice delicately, stating your opinion frankly and freely, but giving it as an opinion, not as a positive law. If the advice is not taken, do not feel offended, as others, more experienced than yourself upon the point in question, may have also been consulted. Let no selfish motive govern such a letter. Think only of the good or evil to result to yom friend, and while you may write warmly and earnestly, let the motive be a really disinterested one. Letters of Excuse should be frank and graceful. They must be written promptly, as soon as the occasion that calls for them admits. If delayed, they become in- sulting. If such a letter is called forth by an act of negligence on your own part, apologize for it frankly, and show by your tone that you sincerely desire to re- gain the confidence your carelessness has periled. If you have been obliged by positive inability to neglect the fulfilment of any promise you have given, or any commission you have undertaken, then state the reason for your delay, and solicit the indulgence of your friend. Do not write in such stiff, formal language that the apology will seem forced from you, but offer your excuse frankly, as if with a sincere desire to atone for an act of negligence, or remove a ground of offence. Letters of Intelligence are generally the answer to letters of enquiry, or the statement of certain incidents 'IT facts, interesting both to the writer and reader of the LETTER WRITINa. 12S letter. Be careful in writing such a letter that yon have ftll the facts in exact accordance with the truth. Re- member that every word is set down against you, if one item of your information prove to be false ; and do not allow personal opinion or prejudice to dictate a single sentence. Never repeat anything gathered from mere uearsay, and be careful, in such a letter, that ycu violate no confidence, nor force yourself upon the private affairs of any one. Do not let scandal or a mere love of gossip dictate a letter of intelligence. If your news is painful, state it as delicately as possible, and add a few lines ex-- pressive of sympathy. If it is your pleasant task to communicate a joyful event, make your letter cheerful and gay. If you have written any such letter, and, after sending it, find you have made any error in a state- ment, write, and correct the mistake immediately. It may be a trivial error, yet there is no false or mistaken news so trifling as to make a correction unnecessary. Invitations are generally written in the third person, and this form is used where the acquaintance is very slight, for formal notes, and cards of compliment. The form is proper upon such occasions, but should be used only in the most ceremonious correspondence. If this style is adopted by a person who has been accustomed to write in a more familiar one to you, take it as a hint, that the correspondence has, for some reason, become disagreeable, and had better cease. Autograph Letters should be very short ; merely acknowledging the compliment paid by the request for the signature, and a few words expressing the pleasure 70U feel in granting the favor. If you write to ask for 180 ladies' book of etiquette. an autograph, always inclose a postage stamp for the answer. Date every letter you write accurately, and avoid postscripts. Politeness, kindness, both demand that every letter you receive must be answered. Nothing can give more pleasure in a correspondence, than prompt replies. Matters of much importance often rest upon the reply to a letter, and therefore this duty should never be de- layed. In answering friendly letters, it will be found much easier to write what is kind and interesting, if you Bit down to the task, as soon as you read your friend's letter. Always mention the date of the letter to which your own is a reply. Never write on a half sheet of paper. Paper is cheap, and a half sheet looks both mean and slovenly. If you do not write but three lines, still send the whole sheet of paper. Perfectly plain paper, thick, smooth, and white, is the most elegant. When in mourning, use paper and envelopes with a black edge. Never use the gilt edged, or fancy bordered paper ; it looks vulgar, and is in bad taste. You may, if you will, have your initials stamped at the top of the sheet, and on the seal of the envelope, but do not have any fancy ornaments in the corners, or on the back of the envelope. You will be guilty of a great breach of politeness, if you answer either a note or letter upon the half sheet of the paper sent by your correspondent, even though it way be left blank. Never write, even the shortest note, in pencil It loot* careless, and is rude. LETTER WRITING. 131 Nevor write a letter carelessly. It may be addressed to your most intimate friend, or your nearest relative, but you can never be sure that the eye for which it is intended, will be the only one that sees it. I do not mean by this, that the epistle should be in a formal, studied style, but that it must be correct in its grammat- ical construction, properly punctuated, with every word spelt according to rule. Even in the most familiar opistles, observe the proper rules for composition ; you .vould not in conversing, even with your own family, use jicorrect grammar, or impertinent language ; therefore dvoid. saying upon paper what you would not say with your tongue. Notes written in the third person, must be continued throughout in the same person ; they are frequently very mysterious from the confusion of pronouns, yet it is a style of correspondence much used and very proper upon many occasions. For compliment, inquiry where there is no intimacy between the parties ; from superiors to inferiors, the form is elegapt and proper. If you receive a note written in the third person, reply in the same form, but do not reply thus to a more familiar note or letter, as it is insulting, and implies offence taken. If you wish to repel undue familiarity or impertinence in your correspondent, then reply to the epistle in the most formal language, and in the third person. It is an extraordinary fact, that persons who have re ceived agood education, and who use their pens frequently, will often, in writing notes, commence in the third person and then use the second or first personal pronoun, and finish by a signature ; thus-^ 132 LADIES* BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. Miss Claire's compliments to Mr. James, and wisnes to know whether you have finished reading my copy of "Jane Eyre,'* as if Mr. James had finished it, I would like to lend it to another friend. Sincerely yours, Ella Claire. The errors in the above are too glaring to need com ment, yet, with only the alteration of names, it is a copy, verbatim, of a note written by a well educated girl. Never sign a note written in the third person, if you begin the note with your own name. It is admissible, if the note is worded in this way : — Will Mr. James return by bearer, the copy of " Jane Eyre" he borrowed, if he has finished reading it, and oblige his sincere friend, Ella Claire. If you use a quotation, never omit to put it in quota- tion marks, otherwise your correspondent may, however unjustly, accuse you of a desire to pass off the idea and words of another, for your own. Avoid postscripts. Above all, never send an inquiry or compliment in a postscript. To write a long letter, upon various subjects, and in the postscript desire to be remembered to your friend's family, or inquire fjr their welfare, instead of a compliment, becomes in- sulting. It is better, if you have not time to write again and place such inquiries above your signatuie, to omit them entirely. Nobody likes to see their name men joned as an afterthought. LETTER WRITING. 13S Punctuate your letters carefully. The want of a mark of punctuation, or the incorrect placing of it, will make the most woful confusion. I give an instance of the utter absurdity produced by the alteration of punctuation marks, turning a sensible paragraph to the most arrant nonsense : " Caesar entered ; on his hjfead his helmet ; on his feet armed sandals ; upon his brow there was a cloud ; m his right hand his faithful sword ; in his eye an angry glare ; saying nothing, he sat down." By using precisely the same words, merely altering the position of the punctuation marks, we have — " Caesar entered on his head ; his helmet on his feet , armed sandals upon his brow ; there was a cloud in his right hand ; his faithful sword in his eye ; an angry glare saying nothing; he sat down." Be careful, then, to punctuate properly, that you may convey to the reader the exact sense of what is in your mind. If you receive an impertinent letter, treat it with con- tempt ; do not answer it. Never answer a letter by proxy, when you are able to write yourself. It is a mark of respect and love, to answer, in your own hand, all letters addressed to you. If you are obliged to write to a friend to refuse to grant a favor asked, you will lessen the pain of refusal by wording your letter delicately. Loving words, if it is a near friend, respectful, kind ones if a mere acquaintance, will make the disagreeable contents of the letter more bearable. Try to make the manner smooth and softfta the hardness of the matter. 134 ladies' book of etiquette. Every letter must embrace the following particulars : 1st. The date. 2d. The complimentary address. 3d. The body of the letter. 4th. The complimentary closing. 5th. The signature. 6th. The address. There are two ways of putting the date, and the ad- dress. The first is to place them at the top of the sheet, the other is to place them after the signature. When at the top, you write the name of your resi- dence, or that of the city in which you reside, with the day of the month and the year, at the right hand of the first line of the sheet. Then, at the left hand of the next line, write the address, then the complimentary ad dress below the name ; thus — Willow Grove, New York, June 27th, 1859. Mrs. E. C. Howell, My dear Madam, I received your letter, etc. At the end of the letter, on the right hand of the sheet, put the complimentary closing, and then the sig • nUare; thus — I remain, my dear Madam, With much respect. Yours sincerely, S. E. Law. LETTER WRITING. 136 If you place the date and address after the signature, put it at the left of the sheet ; thus — I remain, my dear Madam, With much respect, Yours sincerely, S. E. Law. Mes. E. C. Howell. June 21th, 1859. For a long letter, it is better to put the date and ad- uress at the top of the page. For a letter of only a 4ew lines, which ends on the first page, the second form is best. In a letter written to a person in the same city, you need not put the address under the signature ; if not, write it — S. E. Law, Willow Grove, New York. In writing to a dear friend or relative, where there is no formality required, you may omit the name at the top of the letter ; put the date and address thus — Willow Grove, New York, June 27th, 1859. Dear Anna : I write, etc. It is best, however, to put the full name at the bottom of the last page. In »;ase the letter is mislaid without the envelope; thusj— E. C. Law. Miss Anna Wiv'or±i.T 136 LADIES' BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. If you use an envelope, and this custom is now uni- versal, fold your letter neatly to fit into it ; then direct on the envelope. Put first the name, then the name of the person to whose care the letter must be directed, then the street, the city, and State. If the town is small, put aIso the county. This is the form : — Miss Anna Wright, Care of Mr. John C. "Wright, No. 40, Lexington street, Greensburg — Lee County. Mass. If the city is a large one, New York, Philadelphia. Baltimore, or any of the principal cities of the Union, you may omit the name of the county. If your letter is to go abroad, add the name of the country : as, Eng- land, or France, in full, under that of the city. The name of the state is usually abbreviated, and for the use of my readers, I give the names of the United States with their abbreviations : Maine, Me. New Hampshire, N. H. Vermont, Vt. Massachusetts, Mass. Rhode Island, R. I. Connecti- cut, Conn. New York, N. Y. New Jersey, N. J. Pennsylvania, Pa., or, Penn. Delaware, Del. Mary- land, Md. Virginia, Va. North Carolina, N. C. South Carolina, S. C. Georgia, Ga., or, Geo. Alabama, Ala. Mississippi, Miss. Missouri, Mo. Louisiana, La. Tennessee, Tenn. Kentucky, Ky. Indiana, Ind. Ohio, 0. Michigan, Mich. Illinois, 111. Wisconsin, Wis. Arkansas, Ark. Texas, Tex. Iowa, lo. Flo- LETTER WRITING. 137 rida, Flo. Oregon, 0. California, Cal. Minnesota, Minn. District of Columbia, D. C. If you are writing from another country to America, put United States of America after the name of the state. On the upper left hand corner of your envelope, put your postage-stamp. If you send a letter by private hand, write the namo of the bearer in the lower left hand corner, thus : Mrs. E. a. Howell, Clinton Place, Boston. Mr. G. G. Lane. In directing to any one who can claim any prefix, or addition, to his proper name do not omit to put that, "re- publican title." For a clergyman, Rev. for B ^^^rend ifl put before the name, thus : — Rev. James C. Day. For a bishop : Right Reverend E. Banks. For a physician : ^ Dr. James Curtis, or, James Curtis, M.D, For a member of Congress : Hon. E. C. Delta. For an officer in the navy. Capt. Henry Lee, U. S. N. For an officer in the army : Col. Edward Holmes, tJ. S. A. 138 ladies' book of etiquette. For a professor : Prof. E. L. James. If the honorary addition, LL.D., A. M., or any such title belongs to your correspondent, add it to his name, on the envelope, thus : — J. L. Peters, LL.D. If you seal with wax, it is best to put a drop under the turn-over, and fasten this down firmly before you drop the wax that is to receive the impression. Cards of compliment are usually written in the third person. I give a few of the most common and proper forms. For a party . Miss Lee's compliments to Mr. Bates, for Wednesday evening, Nov. 18th, at 8 o'clock. Addressed to a lady : Miss Lee requests the pleasure of Miss Howard's com* pany on Wednesday evening, Nov. 18th, at 8 o'clock. For a ball, the above form, with the word Dancing, in the left hand corner. Invitations to dinner or tea specify the entertainment thus : Mrs. Garret's compliments to Mr. and Mrs. Howard and requests the pleasure of their company to dine (or take tea) on Wednesday, Nov. 6th, at 6 o'clock. The form for answering, is : — LETTER WRITmG. 139 Miss Howard accepts with pleasure Miss Lee's polite invitation for Wednesday evening. or, Miss Howard regrets that a prior engagement will prevent her accepting Miss Lee's polite invitation for Wednesday evening. Mr. and Mrs. Howard's compliments to Mrs. Garret, and accept with pleasure her kind invitation for Wednes- day. or, Mrs. Howard regrets that the severe illness of Mr. Howard will render it impossible for either herself or Mr. Howard to join Mrs. Garret's party on Wednesday next. Upon visiting cards, left when the caller is about to leave the city, the letters p. p. c. are put in the left hand corner, they are the abbreviation of the French words, pour prendre conge^ or may, with equal propriety, stand for p-esents parting compliments. Another form, p. d. a., pour dire adieu, may be used. No accomplishment within the scope of human know- ledge is so beautiful in all its features as that of epis- tolary correspondence. Though distance, absence, and circumstances may separate the holiest alliances of friendship, or those who are bound together by the still stronger ties of affection, yet the power of interchanging thoughts, words, feelings, and sentiments, through the medium of letters, adds a sweetness to the pain of sepac ration, renovating to life, and adding to happiness. 140 LADIES* BOOK OF ETIQUETTE. The wide ocean may roll between those who have passed the social years of youth together, or the snow- capped Alps may rise in sublime grandeur, separating early associates; still young remembrances may be called up, and the paradise of memory made to bloom afresh with unwithered flowers of holy recollection. Though we see not eye to eye and face to face, where the soft music of a loved voice may fall with its richness upon the ear, yet the very soul and emotions of the mind may be poured forth in such melody as to touch the heart "that's far away," and melt down the liveliest eye into tears of ecstatic rapture. Without the ability to practice the refined art of epis- tolary correspondence, men would become cold and dis- cordant : an isolated compound of misanthropy. They would fall off in forsaken fragments from the great bond of union which now adorns and beautifies all society. Absence, distance, and time would cut the silken cords of parental, brotherly, and even connubial afi*ection. Early circumstances would be lost in forgetfulness, and the virtues of reciprocal friendship " waste their sweet- ness on the desert air." Since, then, the art and practice of letter-writing is productive of so much refined and social happiness, a lau