THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 LOS ANGELES 
 
 »? A 
 
 >\
 
 LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 PACK 
 
 Portrait of Tolst6y Frontispiece 
 
 Etched by W. H. W. Bicknellfrom, Photograph. 
 
 Interior of a Peasant's Home ..... 145 
 From Drawing by Carl Buddeus. 
 
 Portrait of Tolstoy at the Age of Twenty -three 459 
 From Daguerreotype taken in 1851. 
 
 Tolstoy, Vol. I.
 
 
 ? 
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 
 
 CHILDHOOD 
 
 
 
 OHAPTEB 
 I. 
 
 Karl IvXnovich, Our Teacher . 
 
 PAGE 
 1 
 
 II. 
 
 Mamma 
 
 8 
 
 III. 
 
 Papa 
 
 . 11 
 
 IV. 
 
 The Lessons 
 
 . 16 
 
 V. 
 
 The Saintly Fool 
 
 . 20 
 
 VI. 
 
 Preparation for the Hunt 
 
 . 25 
 
 VII. 
 
 The Hunt 
 
 . 28 
 
 VIII. 
 
 Games 
 
 . 33 
 
 IX. 
 
 Something like First Love 
 
 . 36 
 
 X. 
 
 The Kind of a Man My Father Wa 
 
 8 . 38 
 
 XI. 
 
 Occupations in the Cabinet and in 
 
 the 
 
 
 Sitting-room .... 
 
 . 41 
 
 XII. 
 
 GRfSHA .... 
 
 
 . 45 
 
 XIII. 
 
 NatXlya Savishna 
 
 
 . 49 
 
 XIV. 
 
 The Separation 
 
 
 . 54 
 
 XV. 
 
 Childhood 
 
 
 . 60 
 
 XVI. 
 
 Poetry .... 
 
 
 . 64 
 
 XVII. 
 
 Princess KornXkov 
 
 
 . 71 
 
 XVIII. 
 
 Prince Ivan Ivanovich 
 
 
 . 76 
 
 XIX. 
 
 The iviNS 
 
 
 . 81 
 
 XX. 
 
 Guests Are Coming 
 
 
 . 89 
 
 XXI. 
 
 Before the Mazurka . 
 
 
 . 94 
 
 XXII. 
 
 The Mazurka 
 
 V 
 
 
 . 99
 
 VI CONTENTS 
 
 CBAPTKR PAOB 
 
 XXIII. After the Mazurka 102 
 
 XXIV. In Bed 107 
 
 XXV, The Letter 110 
 
 XXVI. What Awaited Us in the Country . .117 
 
 XXVII. Grief 121 
 
 XXVIU. The Last Sad Memories . . . .127 
 
 BOYHOOD 
 
 L At Easy Stages 141 
 
 n. The Storm 149 
 
 in. A New View 15.5 
 
 IV. At Moscow 160 
 
 V. My Elder Brother 162 
 
 VL MXsha 166 
 
 VII. Shot 169 
 
 VIII. The History of Earl IvXnovich . . 173 
 
 IX. Continuation 177 
 
 X. Continuation 182 
 
 XI. One 185 
 
 XII. The Small Key 191 
 
 XIIL The Traitress 194 
 
 XIV. The Eclipse 197 
 
 XV. Dreams 200 
 
 XVI. After Grinding Comes Flour . . . 205 
 
 XVII, Hatred 210 
 
 XVin. The Maids' Chamber 213 
 
 XIX. Boyhood 219 
 
 XX. Voi.<5dya 223 
 
 XXI. KXtenka and Lytjbochka .... 227 
 
 XXII. Papa 230 
 
 XXIII. Grandmother 234 
 
 XXIV. I 237 
 
 XXV. Vol<5dya'8 Friends 239 
 
 XXVI. Reflections . 242 
 
 XXVII. The Beginning of the Friendship . . 247
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 VU 
 
 YOUTH 
 
 OHAPTBK PAGE 
 
 I. What I Regard as the Beginning of my 
 
 Youth 253 
 
 II. Spring 255 
 
 III. Dreams 259 
 
 IV. Our Family Circle 263 
 
 V. The Rules 268 
 
 VI. The Confession 271 
 
 VII. Drive to the Monastery .... 273 
 
 VIII. My Second Confession .... 277 
 
 IX. How I Prepared for the Examinations . 280 
 
 X. My History Examination .... 283 
 
 XI. My Mathematics Examination . . . 289 
 
 XII. The Latin Examination .... 293 
 
 XIII. I Am A Grown-up Man . . . .297 
 
 XIV. What DuBKdv's and Vol6dya's Occupa- 
 
 tions Were 303 
 
 XV. I Am Congratulated 308 
 
 XVI. The Quarrel 312 
 
 XVII. I Am Getting Ready to Make Calls . 318 
 
 XVIII. The ValXkhins 322 
 
 XIX. The KornAkovs 328 
 
 XX. The Ivins 332 
 
 XXI. Prince Ivan IvXnovich .... 336 
 
 XXII. A Confidential Talk with My Friend . 339 
 
 XXIII. The Nekhlyudovs 345 
 
 XXIV. Love 351 
 
 XXV. I Am Becoming Acquainted . . . 357 
 
 XXVI. I Show Myself from My Most Advan- 
 tageous Side 362 
 
 XXVII. Dmitri 367 
 
 XXVIIL In the Country 373 
 
 XXIX. Our Relations with the Girls . . . 378 
 
 XXX. My Occupations 383 
 
 XXXI. CoMME II Faut 388
 
 vm 
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 XXXII. 
 
 XXXIII. 
 
 XXXIV. 
 
 XXXV. 
 
 XXXVI. 
 
 XXXVII. 
 
 XXXVIII. 
 
 XXXIX. 
 
 XL. 
 
 XLI. 
 
 XLII. 
 
 XLIII. 
 
 XLIV. 
 
 XLV. 
 
 The Incursion: Story of a Volunteer 
 
 Youth • 
 
 Neighbours 
 
 Father's Marriage .... 
 How We Received the News . 
 
 The University 
 
 Affairs of the Heart 
 
 Society 
 
 A Carousal ..... 
 
 My Friendship with the NEKHLYtjDOVi 
 My Friendship with NEKHLYtiDOV . 
 Our Stepmother 
 New Companions 
 
 ZtjKHIN AND SeMENOV 
 
 I Flunked .... 
 
 PAGE 
 
 392 
 399 
 404 
 408 
 414 
 419 
 422 
 425 
 430 
 434 
 439 
 445 
 452 
 455 
 459
 
 CHILDHOOD 
 
 A Novel 
 1852
 
 CHILDHOOD 
 
 I. 
 
 KARL IVAnOVICH, OUR TEACHER 
 
 On the 12th of August, 18-, exactly two days after 
 my birthday, when I was ten years old and received such 
 wonderful presents, Karl Ivanovich woke me at seven 
 o'clock in the morning by striking right over my head at 
 a fly with a flap which was made of wrapping-paper 
 attached to a stick. He did that so awkwardly that he 
 set in motion the small picture of my guardian angel 
 which was hanging on the oak headpiece of my bed, and 
 made the dead fly fall straight upon my head. I stuck 
 my nose out of my coverlet, stopped the swinging picture 
 with my hand, threw the killed fly upon the ground, and 
 with angry, though sleepy, eyes measured Karl Ivanovich. 
 But he, dressed in a many-coloured wadded dressing-gown, 
 which was girded by a belt of the same material, in a red 
 hand-knit skull-cap with a tassel, and in soft goatskin 
 boots, continued to make the round of the walls, and to 
 aim and flap at flies. 
 
 " I'll admit I am a httle fellow," thought I, " but why 
 does he worry me ? Why does he not kill flies over 
 Volddya's bed ? There are lots of them there ! No, 
 Volodya is older than I, and I am the youngest of all ; 
 
 1
 
 2 CHILDHOOD 
 
 that's why he is tormenting me. All he is thinking 
 about," whispered I, "is how to cause me annoyance. 
 He knows quite well that he has waked and frightened 
 me, but he acts as though he did not notice it. He is a 
 contemptible fellow! And his dressing-gown, and cap, 
 and tassel, — they are all contemptible ! " 
 
 While I thus expressed in thought my disgust with 
 Karl Ivdnovich, he walked up to his bed, took a look at 
 the watch which was hanging above it in a hand-made 
 shoe of glass beads, hung the flap on a nail, and, evidently 
 in the pleasantest mood, turned to us. 
 
 "Auf, Kinder, auf ! 's ist Zeit. Die Mutter ist schon 
 im Saal," he cried out in his good German voice, then 
 came up to me, seated himself at my feet, and took his 
 snuff-box out of his pocket, I pretended |^I was asleep. 
 Karl Iv^novich at first took a snuff, wiped his nose, 
 snapped his fingers, and then turned his attention to me. 
 He smiled and began to tickle the soles of my feet. 
 " Nun, nun, Faulenzer ! " said he. 
 
 Though I was very much afraid of tickling, I did not 
 jump up from bed and did not answer him, but only hid 
 my head farther imder the pillows, kicked my feet with 
 all my might, and made all possible efforts to keep from 
 laughing. 
 
 " What a good man he is, and how he loves us, and 
 how could I have thought so ill of him ? " 
 
 I was angry at myself and at Karl Iv^novich, and I 
 wanted to laugh and cry at the same time ; my nerves 
 were shattered. 
 
 " Ach, lassen Sie, Karl Ivdnovich ! " cried I, with tears 
 in ray eyes, and stuck my head out of my pillows. 
 
 Karl Ivdnovich was surprised, left my soles in peace, 
 and with a disturbed mien began to ask what the matter 
 was with me, and whether I had not had a bad dream. 
 His good German face and the interest which he evinced 
 in trying to ascertain the cause of my tears made them
 
 KARL IVANOVICH, OUR TEACUER 3 
 
 flow more copiously ; I felt ashamed, and I could not 
 understand how a minute ago I could have dishked Karl 
 Iv^ovich, and how I could have found his gown, his cap, 
 and his tassel contemptible. Now, on the contrary, all 
 those things appeared particularly charming to me, and 
 even the tassel seemed to be an evident proof of his 
 goodness. 
 
 I told him that I was crying because I had had a 
 bad dream, that I dreamt mamma had died and was 
 being buried. I had made up all that myself, because 
 I really did not remember what it was I had dreamt 
 about that night ; but when Karl Ivanovich, touched by 
 my story, began to console me, it seemed to me that I 
 had actually had such a terrible dream, and my tears 
 began to flow, this time from an entirely different cause. 
 
 When Karl Ivdnovich left me, and I raised myself in 
 bed and began to pull my stockings on my tiny legs, my 
 tears flowed less abundantly, but the gloomy thoughts of 
 my fictitious dream did not leave me. The children's 
 valet, Nikolay, entered the room. He was a small, neat 
 man, always serious, accurate, respectful, and a great friend 
 of Karl Ivanovich. He was carrying our garments and 
 shoes : for Vol6dya a pair of boots, and for me still the 
 unbearable shoes with ribbons. I felt ashamed to cry in 
 his presence. Besides, the morning sun shone merrily 
 through the windows, and Volodya, who was mocking 
 Marya Ivdnovna, my sister's governess, was laughing so 
 merrily and loudly, as he stood at the wash-basin, that 
 even solemn Nikolay, with a towel over his shoulder, and 
 with soap in one of his hands and the water-tank in the 
 other, smiled and said : 
 
 "That will do, Vladimir Petrdvich! Be pleased to 
 wash yourself ! " 
 
 I cheered up completely. 
 
 " Sind Sie bald fertig ? " was heard the voice of Karl 
 Ivanovich from the study-room.
 
 4 CHILDHOOD 
 
 His voice was stem, and no longer had that expression 
 of kindness which had touched me to tears. In the class- 
 room Karl Ivdnovich was a different man : he was an 
 instructor. I dressed in a hurry, washed myself, and, 
 with the hair-brush in my hand, trying to smooth down 
 my wet hair, made my appearance in response to his 
 call. 
 
 Karl Ivdnovich had his spectacles on his nose and a 
 book in his hands, and was seated in his usual place, 
 between the door and the window. At the left of the 
 door were two small shelves : one was ours, the children's, 
 the other was his, Karl Ivdnovich's. On our sheK were 
 all kinds of books, school-books and others: some of 
 these were placed upright, others lay flat. Only two 
 large volumes of the " Histoire des Voyages," in red bind- 
 ings, were properly placed against the wall. Then fol- 
 lowed long, fat, large, and small books, — bindings without 
 books, and books without bindings. We used to stick 
 and jam into it all kinds of things, when, just before 
 recess, we were ordered to fix up the " library," as Karl 
 Iv^novich loudly called that shelf. 
 
 The collection of books on his shelf was not so large as 
 ours, but it was much more varied. I remember three of 
 them: a German pamphlet about the manuring of gar- 
 dens for cabbage, — without a binding : one volume of a 
 history of the Seven Years' War, — in parchment which 
 was burned at one end ; and a complete course of hydro- 
 statics. Karl Iv^novich used to pass the greater part of 
 his time reading, and he had even impaired his eyesight in 
 that way ; but he never read anything else but these 
 books and the Northern Bee} 
 
 Among the objects which lay on Karl Iv^novich's shelf, 
 
 there was one which more than any other reminds me 
 
 of him. It was a circle of cardboard, stuck in a wooden 
 
 support, in which it moved, by means of pegs. Upon 
 
 * A periodical.
 
 KARL IVANOVICII, OUR TEACHER 5 
 
 that circle was pasted a picture which represented a car- 
 icature of a lady and a hair-dresser. Karl Iv^novich was 
 a good hand at pasting, and he had himself invented and 
 made that circle in order to shield his weak eyes against 
 the bright light. 
 
 Vividly I see before me the lank figure in the cotton 
 dressing-gown and red cap, underneath which peep out 
 scanty gray hairs. He is seated at the Httle table, upon 
 which is placed the circle with the hair-dresser, that 
 throws a shadow upon his face. In one hand he holds a 
 book ; his other is resting on the arm of the chair. Near 
 him lies the watch with a chasseur painted on its 
 face, a checkered handkerchief, a round black snuff-box, 
 a green case for his glasses, and snuffers on a holder. 
 All these things are lying so regularly and properly in 
 their places, that by the order itself it is possible to 
 conclude that Karl Ivanovich's conscience is pure and his 
 soul at rest. 
 
 When we had run ourselves tired in the hall down-stairs, 
 we used to steal up-stairs on tiptoes, into the study, and 
 there we would see Karl Ivanovich sitting all alone in 
 his armchair and with a calmly sublime expression read- 
 ing one of his favourite books. There were moments 
 when I caught him not reading : his spectacles were dropped 
 lower on his large aquiline nose, his blue, half-closed eyes 
 looked with a certain peculiar expression, and his lips 
 smiled sadly. It was quiet in the room ; one could hear 
 only the even breathing and the ticking of the watch with 
 the chasseur. 
 
 At times he did not notice me, while I stood at the 
 door and thought : " Poor, poor old man ! There are many 
 of us : we are playing, we are happy ; but he is all alone, 
 and nobody comforts him. He is telling the truth when 
 he says that he is an orphan. The history of his life is 
 terrible, indeed ! I remember his telling it to Nikolay. 
 It is terrible to be in his place ! " And I would feel so
 
 6 CHILDHOOD 
 
 Borry for him, that I would go up to him, take his hand, 
 and say : " Lieher Karl Ivdnovich ! " He liked my speak- 
 ing thus to him : he would pat me, and it was evident 
 that he was touched. 
 
 Upon the other wall hung maps, nearly all of them 
 torn, but skilfully pasted up by the hand of Karl Iv^no- 
 vich. On the third wall, in the middle of which was a 
 door that led down-stairs, were hanging, on one side, two 
 rulers : one, all cut up, belonged to us, the other, which 
 was new, was his, and was used more for encouragement 
 than for ruHng ; on the other side was a blackboard, on 
 which our great transgressions were marked with circles, 
 and our small ones with crosses. At the left of the board 
 was the corner where we were made to kneel. 
 
 How well I remember that corner ! I remember the 
 valve in the stove, the ventilator in that valve, and the 
 noise which it made whenever it was turned. When I 
 had stood in the corner quite awhile, until my knees and 
 back were aching, I thought: "Karl Ivdnovich has for- 
 gotten about me. He, no doubt, feels rested, sitting in a 
 soft chair, and reading his Hydrostatics, but how about 
 me?" And to make him think of me, I would softly 
 open and close the valve, or scratch ofiF some stucco from 
 the wall ; but if suddenly an unusually large piece fell 
 upon the ground, — then, indeed, the fright it gave me 
 was worse than any punishment. I looked at Karl 
 Iv^novich, — but he sat there with his book in his hand, 
 as if he had not heard anything. 
 
 In the middle of the room stood a table which was 
 covered with a torn black oUcloth, underneath which 
 peeped out the edges that had been all cut up with pen- 
 knives. Around the table were a few unpainted tabourets, 
 which had assumed a gloss from long usage. The last 
 wall was occupied by three windows. From these the 
 following view was had : right below the windows was 
 the road, every puddle, every pebble, and every rut of
 
 
 "■^ 
 
 ':^^ 
 
 
 
 Sfieylo^
 
 Hi 1. 
 
 : hung '^rly aii ■ ^ 
 
 a up bv A of Karl i 
 
 U, in th' 'liMidte of which »^ 
 
 ~ side, i ^ 
 
 -'f> 
 
 which 
 
 u .hat corner 
 
 dor m ttm ' • ' - -* 
 . it was tur!K"i "W'W** I 
 
 viyv%. 
 
 uand, 
 
 x/'k uilclot-h. undereeath which 
 
 -.U cut ap with pen- 
 
 . inpainted tabourets, 
 
 ■ torn ioug usage. The l^ 
 
 ^. ^., ?H windows. From these the 
 
 wi^had ; right l»elow the windows wa« 
 
 -llfi, every pebble, and every 
 
 Tolstoy's Country Home at Yasnaya 
 Polyana 
 
 Phntnj^rai'ure from a Photografh 
 
 uuieii •Jj
 
 KARL IVANOVICII, OUR TEACHER 7 
 
 which had long been familiar and dear to me ; beyond the 
 road lay an avenue of lopped linden-trees, and beyond 
 that a wicker-fence could be seen in places ; on the other 
 side of the avenue appeared a meadow, on one side of which 
 was a threshing-barn, and opposite it a forest ; the hut of 
 the watchman was visible far in the distance. 
 
 Through the window on the right was seen a part of 
 the terrace where the grown people used to sit before 
 dinner. At times, while Karl Iv^novich was correcting 
 the dictation sheet, I looked in that direction, and I saw 
 my mother's black head and somebody's back, and I dimly 
 heard some conversation and laughter. I felt angry because 
 I could not be there, and I thought : " When I shall be 
 grown, shall I stop studying and eternally reading the 
 Dialogues ? And shall I not be sitting with those I love ? " 
 Anger passed into sadness, and I fell to musing, God 
 knows why or over what, so that I did not hear Karl 
 Ivdnovich's angry words over my mistakes. 
 
 Karl Ivanovich took off his dressing-gown, put on his 
 blue uniform with elevations and gatherings at the 
 shoulders, fixed his cravat before the mirror, and took us 
 down-stairs, to bid mother good morning.
 
 n. 
 
 MAMMA 
 
 Mother was sitting in the drawing-room and pour- 
 ing out tea. With one hand she held the teapot, with 
 the other the faucet of the samovdr, from which the water 
 ran over the teapot to the tray. Though she was look- 
 ing fixedly at it, she did not notice it, nor that we had 
 entered. 
 
 So many memories of the past rise before one, trying 
 to resurrect in imagination the features of a beloved being, 
 that one sees them dimly through these recollections as 
 through tears. When I try to recall my mother as she 
 was at that time, I can think only of her brown eyes, 
 which always expressed the same kindness and love, of 
 a birthmark upon her neck, a little below the place where 
 the small hairs curled, of her white linen collar, of her 
 tender dry hand which had so often fondled me, and 
 which I had so often kissed; her general expression 
 escapes me. 
 
 To the left of the sofa stood an old English grand 
 piano. At the piano was seated my swarthy sister Lyii- 
 bochka, who with her rosy fingers that had just been 
 washed in cold water was playing with evident expression 
 dementi's Etudes. She was eleven years old. She wore 
 a short gingham dress and white, lace-bordered pantalets, 
 and she could encompass octaves only by arpeggio. Near 
 her, and half turned around, sat Mdrya Ivdnovna, in a 
 cap with rose-coloured ribbons, and wearing a blue jersey. 
 
 8
 
 MAMMA " y 
 
 Her angry red face assumed a sterner expression the 
 moment Karl Ivdnovich entered. She looked angrily at 
 him and, without answering his greeting, continued to 
 stamp her foot and to count : un, deux, trois, un, deux, 
 trots, louder and more commandingly than before. 
 
 Karl Ivanovich paid no attention whatsoever to it, and, 
 as was his custom, with German politeness went straight 
 up to take my mother's hand. She awoke from her 
 reverie, shook her head, as if wishing to dispel her gloomy 
 thoughts with that motion, gave her hand to Karl Ivano- 
 vich, and kissed his furrowed temple, while he was kissing 
 her hand. 
 
 " Ich danke, lieber Karl Ivanovich ! " and continuing 
 to speak German, she asked him whether the children 
 had slept weU. 
 
 Karl Ivanovich was deaf in one ear, and just then he 
 could hear nothing because of the noise at the piano. He 
 bent lower down to the sofa, leaned with one arm against 
 the table, while standing on one foot, and with a smile, 
 which then appeared to me the acme of refinement, lifted 
 his cap on his head and said : 
 
 " Excuse me, Natalya Nikolaevna ! " 
 
 Not to catch a cold, Karl Ivanovich never took off his 
 red cap, but every time he entered the sitting-room, he 
 asked permission to keep it on. 
 
 " Put it on, Karl Ivanovich. I am asking you whether 
 the children have slept well," said mamma, quite aloud, 
 as she moved up to him. 
 
 But he again had not Jieard anything. He covered his 
 bald head with his red cap, and smiled even more sweetly. 
 
 " Stop a minute, Mimi," said mamma to Mary a Iva- 
 novna, smiling. " One can't hear a thing." 
 
 Whenever mother smiled, her face, which was very 
 pretty, became even more beautiful, and everything 
 around her seemed to grow happier. If, in the heavy 
 moments of my life, I had been able to see that smile.
 
 10 • CHILDHOOD 
 
 even in passing, I should not have known what grief ia 
 It seems to me that in the smile alone is contained that 
 which is called the beauty of the face : if the smile adds 
 charm to the face, the face is beautiful; if it does not 
 change it, it is common ; if it spoils it, it is homely. 
 
 Having greeted me, mamma took my head with both 
 her hands, and threw it back, then looked fixedly at me, 
 and said : 
 
 " You have been crying to-day ? " 
 
 I did not answer. She kissed my eyes, and asked in 
 German : 
 
 " What were you crying about ? " 
 
 Whenever she spoke to us in a friendly manner, she 
 spoke in that language, which she had mastered perfectly. 
 
 " I had been crying in my dream, mamma," said I, as I 
 recalled the fictitious dream with all its details and 
 involuntarily shuddered at the thought. 
 
 Karl Ivdnovich confirmed my words, but kept silent 
 about the dream. Having said something about the 
 weather, in which conversation Mimi, too, took part, 
 mamma placed six pieces of sugar on the tray for some 
 especially honoured servants, then arose and walked up to 
 the embroidery-frame which stood near the window. 
 
 "Well, go now to papa, children, and tell him to be 
 sure and come to see me before he goes to the threshing- 
 floor." 
 
 The music, the counting, and the stem glances began 
 anew, and we went to papa. After passing the room 
 which from grandfather's time had preserved the name of 
 officiating-room, we entered his study.
 
 III. 
 
 PAPA 
 
 He was standing near the writing-table and, pointing 
 to some envelopes, papers, and heaps of money, was 
 speaking excitedly about something to steward Yakov 
 Mikhaylovich, who was standing in his customary place, 
 between the door and the barometer, with his hands 
 behind his back, rapidly moving his fingers in aU direc- 
 tions. 
 
 The more excitedly father spoke, the more rapidly his 
 fingers twitched, and, again, when father stopped speak- 
 ing, his fingers ceased moving ; but when Yakov himself 
 began to speak his fingers came into the greatest commo- 
 tion and desperately jumped on all sides. It seems to 
 me one could have guessed Yakov's secret thoughts by 
 their motion. But his face was quiet, and expressed the 
 consciousness of his dignity and at the same time of his 
 subserviency, as much as to say : " I am right ; however, 
 as you may wish it ! " 
 
 When papa saw us, he only said : 
 
 " Wait a moment." 
 
 With a motion of his head he pointed to the door, 
 which he wanted some one of us to close. 
 
 " Oh, merciful Lord ! What is the matter with you 
 to-day, Yakov ? " continued he to the steward, twitching 
 his shoulders, which was a habit of his. " This envelope 
 with the enclosed eight hundred roubles — " 
 
 Yakov moved up the abacus, cast 800 upon it, and 
 
 11
 
 12 CHILDHOOD 
 
 fixed his eyes upon an indefinite point, waiting for things 
 to follow. 
 
 " — are for farm expenses during my absence. You 
 understand ? For the mill you are to get one thousand 
 roubles — is it not so ? You will get back deposits from 
 the treasury, eight thousand roubles ; for the hay, of 
 which, according to your own calculation, we ought to 
 sell seven thousand puds, — let me say at forty-five 
 kopeks, — you will receive three thousand roubles ; con- 
 sequently, how much money will you have in all ? 
 Twelve thousand, — am I not right ? " 
 
 " Just so, sir," said Yakov. 
 
 But I noticed by the rapidity with which his fingers 
 moved that he was about to retort something. Papa 
 interrupted him. 
 
 " Well, from these moneys you will send ten thousand 
 to the Council for the Petr6vskoe estate. Now, the money 
 which is in the office," continued papa (Yakov had dis- 
 turbed the former 12,000, and now cast 21,000 on his 
 abacus), " you will bring to me, and you will write it 
 down among the expenses of this date." (Y^kov mixed 
 up the accounts and turned over the abacus, no doubt 
 wishing to say by this that the 21,000 would be equally 
 lost.) " But this envelope with the enclosed money you 
 will deliver in my name according to the address." 
 
 I was standing near the table and looked at the inscrip- 
 tion. It ran : " To Karl Ivanych Mauer." 
 
 Evidently noticing that I had read what I ought not to 
 know, papa placed his hand upon my shoulder, and with 
 a slight motion indicated a direction away from the table. 
 I did not understand whether that was a favour or a 
 reprimand, but in any case kissed his large venous hand 
 which lay upon my shoulder. 
 
 " At your service, sir," said Yakov. " And what is your 
 order in regard to the Khabarovka money ? " 
 
 Khabdrovka was mother's estate.
 
 PAPA 13 
 
 " Leave it in the office, and never use it without my 
 order." 
 
 Ydkov was silent for a few moments ; then suddenly 
 his fingers began to move with increased rapidity, and, 
 changing the expression of submissive stupidity with 
 which he listened to his master's commands, into one of 
 shrewd cunning, which was peculiar to him, he moved 
 the abacus up to him, and began to speak. 
 
 " Permit me to report to you, Peter Aleksdndrovich, that 
 your will shall be done, but it is impossible to pay into 
 the Council at the proper time. You have deigned to 
 say," continued he, speaking more slowly, " that money is 
 due from the deposits, the mill, and the hay." (As he 
 mentioned these items, he cast them on the abacus.) 
 " But I am afraid we may have made a mistake in our 
 calculations," he added, after a short silence, and looking 
 thoughtfully at papa. 
 
 " Why ? " 
 
 " Permit me to show you : as to the mill, the miller 
 has come to see me twice to ask for a delay ; he swore by 
 Christ that he had no money, and he is here even now ; 
 perhaps you would be pleased to speak to him yourself ? " 
 
 " What does he say ? " asked papa, making a sign 
 with his head that he did not wish to speak with the 
 miller. 
 
 " The same old thing ! He says that there has been 
 no grinding at all, that all the money he had he put into 
 a dam. What advantage would there be for us, sir, to 
 push him for it ? As to the deposits, which you mentioned, 
 it seems to me I already have reported that our money 
 is stuck fast there, and that it will not be so easy to get 
 it soon. I only lately sent to town a wagon of flour to 
 Ivan Afanasich, and with it a note in regard to this 
 matter : he answered that it would give him pleasure to 
 do something for Peter Aleksandrych, but that the affair 
 was not in his hands, and that, according to appearances.
 
 14 CHILDHOOD 
 
 the receipt would not be delivered for two months yet. 
 In regard to the hay you have deigned to remark, suppose 
 even we shall get three thousand roubles — " 
 
 He cast 3,000 on the abacus and kept silent for about 
 a minute, looking now at the abacus, now into father's 
 eyes, as much as to say : 
 
 "You see yourself how Httle that is! And the hay, 
 again, will have to be sold first; if we were to sell it 
 now, you can see for yourself — " 
 
 He evidently had still a great supply of proofs ; it was, 
 no doubt, for this reason that papa interrupted him. 
 
 "I sha'n't change my order," said he; "but if there 
 will really be a delay in the receipt of the money, then 
 we can't help ourselves, and you will take as much money 
 of the Khabarovka estate as will be necessary." 
 
 " Your servant, sir ! " 
 
 By Y^kov's expression of face and by his fingers one 
 could tell that this latter order afforded him a great 
 pleasure. 
 
 Yakov was a serf, but a very zealous and devoted man. 
 Like all good stewards, he was extremely close-fisted for 
 his master, and had the strangest conceptions about his 
 master's advantages. He eternally schemed for the 
 increase of his master's property at the expense of that 
 of his mistress, and tried to prove that it was necessary 
 to use all the income from her estates for the Petr6vskoe 
 village, where we were hving. He was triumphant at 
 this moment, because he had been completely successful. 
 
 Having bid us good morning, papa told us that we had 
 been long enough frittering our time away in the vUlage, 
 that we were no longer babies, and that it was time for 
 us to begin studying in earnest. 
 
 " I think you know already that I am this very evening 
 going to Moscow, and that I shall take you with me," 
 said he. " You will be living with grandmother, and 
 mamma will stay here with the girls. And remember
 
 PAPA 15 
 
 this: her only consolation will be to hear that you are 
 studying well and that people are satisfied with you." 
 
 Although from the preparations which had been going 
 on for several days we expected something unusual, yet 
 this news gave us a terrible shock. Volddya blushed and 
 with a trembhng voice gave him mother's message. 
 
 " So this is what my dream foreboded ! " thought I. 
 " God grant only that nothing worse may happen." 
 
 I was very sorry for mother; at the same time the 
 thought that we were now grown gave me pleasure. 
 
 " If we are to travel to-day, there will be no classes : 
 that is glorious ! " thought I. " However, I am sorry for 
 Karl Ivanovich. He will, no doubt, be dismissed, or else 
 they would not have fixed an envelope for him. It would 
 be better, after all, to study all our lives and not to go 
 away, not to leave mother, and not to offend poor Karl 
 Ivanovich. He is unfortunate enough without it ! " 
 
 These thoughts flashed through my head: I did not 
 budge from the spot, and fixed my eyes on the black 
 ribbons of my shoes. 
 
 My father said a few words to Karl Ivanovich about 
 the falling of the barometer, and ordered Yakov not to 
 feed the dogs, so that before his leave-taking he might 
 go out in the afternoon and listen to the baying of the 
 young hounds. Contrary to my expectation he sent us 
 back to study, consoling us, however, with a promise to 
 take us out on the hunt. 
 
 On my way up-stairs I ran out on the terrace. At the 
 door lay father's favourite greyhound, Milka, blinking her 
 eyes in the sun. 
 
 "Dear Milka," said I, patting her and kissing her 
 mouth, " we are going away to-day. Good-bye ! We shall 
 never see each other again." 
 
 I was agitated, and I began to weep.
 
 IV. 
 
 THE LESSONS 
 
 Karl IvXnovich was not at all in humour. That was 
 evident from his knit brow, from the manner with which 
 he threw his coat into the drawer, from his girding him- 
 self angrily, and from his making a deep mark with his 
 thumb in the book of Dialogues, in order to indicate the 
 place to which we were to memorize. 
 
 Volodya studied pretty well, but I was so disconcerted 
 that I could do absolutely nothing, I looked for a long 
 time senselessly into the book of Dialogues, but I could 
 not read through the tears which had gathered in my 
 eyes at the thought of the impending departure. But 
 when the time came to recite the Dialogues to Karl Ivdno- 
 vich, who listened to me with half-closed eyes (that was 
 a bad sign), — particularly when I reached the place 
 where one says, " Wo kommen Sie her ? " and the other 
 answers : " Ich komme vom Kaffeehause" I could no longer 
 restrain my tears, and through my sobs could not pro- 
 nounce : " Hahen Sie die Zeitung nicht gelesen ? " When we 
 reached penmanship, my tears that fell on the paper made 
 blotches as if I were writing on wrapping-paper. 
 
 Karl Iv^novich grew angry, put me on my knees, 
 insisted that it was nothing but stubbornness and a puppet- 
 show (that was his favourite expression), threatened me 
 with the ruler, and demanded that I should ask forgive- 
 ness, though I could not pronounce a word through my 
 tears. In the end, he evidently felt that he was unjust 
 
 16
 
 THE LESSONS 17 
 
 and went away into Nikolay's room, slamming the door 
 after him. 
 
 In the class-room we could hear the conversation in 
 the valet's room. 
 
 " Have you heard, NikoMy, that the children are going 
 to Moscow ? " said Karl Ivanovich, as he entered the 
 room. 
 
 " Indeed, I have." 
 
 Nikolay, it seems, was on the point of rising, because 
 Karl Ivanovich said : " Keep your seat, Nikolay ! " and 
 immediately after closed the door. I left my corner 
 and went to the door to listen, 
 
 " No matter how much good you may do to people, no 
 matter how attached you may be, you evidently cannot 
 expect any gratitude, Nikolay ? " said Karl Ivdnovich, 
 with feeling. 
 
 Nikolay, who was sitting at the window, cobbling away 
 at a boot, nodded his head in affirmation. 
 
 " I have been living in this house these fifteen years, 
 and I can say before God, Nikolay," continued Karl 
 Ivanovich, raising his eyes and his snuff-box toward the 
 ceiling, " that I have loved them and have worked with 
 them more than if they were my own children. You 
 remember, NikoMy, when Volodenka had the fever, how 
 I sat for nine days by his bed, without closing my eyes. 
 Yes ! when I was good, dear Karl Ivanovich, I was needed, 
 but now," added he, smiling ironically, " now the children 
 have grown, and they must stttdy in earnest. As if they 
 were not studying here, Nikolay ! " 
 
 " I should say they were, it seems ! " said Nikolay, 
 putting down the awl, and pulling through the waxed 
 thread with both his hands. 
 
 " Yes, I am superfluous now, so I am sent away ; but 
 where are the promises ? where is the gratitude ? I 
 respect and love Natalya NikoMevna, NikoUy," said he, 
 putting his hand on his breast, " but what is she ? Her
 
 18 CHILDHOOD 
 
 will has as much power in this house as this ! " saying 
 which, he with an expressive mien threw upon the floor 
 a chip of leather. " I know whose tricks they are, and 
 why I am superfluous now ; it is because I do not flatter 
 and approve everything, as other people do. I am in the 
 habit of speaking the truth at all times and to everybody," 
 said he, proudly. " God be with them ! They will not 
 grow rich by not having me here, and I, God is merciful, 
 will find a piece of bread somewhere. Am I right, 
 Nikolay ? " 
 
 Nikolay raised his head and looked at Karl Ivanovich, 
 as if he wanted to assure himself that he would really be 
 able to find a piece of bread, but he did not say anything. 
 
 Karl Ivanovich spoke much and long in that strain; 
 he told of how his services had been much better appreciated 
 at some general's, where he used to hve (that pained me 
 very much), he told of Saxony, of his parents, of his 
 friend, tailor Schonheit, and so forth. 
 
 I sympathized with his sorrow, and I felt pained be- 
 cause my father and Karl Ivanovich, whom I respected 
 about equally, did not understand each other ; I again 
 betook myself to my corner, sat down on my heels, and 
 began to consider how to restore the right understanding 
 between them. 
 
 When Karl Ivdnovicli returned to the class-room, he 
 ordered me to get up, and to prepare the copy-book for 
 dictation. When everything was ready, he majestically 
 fell back into his chair, and in a voice which seemed to 
 issue from some depth began to dictate as follows : " ' Von 
 alien Leirden-schaf-ten die grau-sain-ste ist' — haben Sie 
 geschrieben ? " Here he stopped, slowly snuffed some 
 tobacco, and continued with renewed strength : " ' Die 
 grausamste ist, die Un-dank-har-keit ' — ein grosses U" 
 Having finished the last word, and in expectation of 
 something to follow, I looked at him. 
 
 " Punctum, " said he, with a barely perceptible smile.
 
 THE LESSONS 19 
 
 and made a sign that we should hand him our copy- 
 books. 
 
 He read that motto several times, with various intona- 
 tions and with an expression of the greatest satisfaction. 
 The motto expressed his innermost thought. Then he 
 gave us a lesson from history, and seated himself at the 
 window. His face was not as stern as before ; it expressed 
 the satisfaction of a man who had in a fitting manner 
 avenged the insult which had been offered him. 
 
 It was fifteen minutes to one, but Karl Ivanovich did 
 not even think of dismissing us ; he continued giving us 
 new lessons. Ennui and appetite grew in the same pro- 
 portion. With the greatest impatience I followed all the 
 tokens which indicated the nearness of the dinner. There 
 was the peasant woman going with a mop to wash the 
 dishes ; there the rattle of the plates was heard in the 
 butler's room ; the table was drawn out and chairs were 
 placed ; and there Mimi was coming from the garden with 
 Lyubochka and Katenka (Katenka was the twelve-year- 
 old daughter of Mimi), but Foka was not yet to be seen, 
 servant Foka, who always came and announced that din- 
 ner was served. Only then would we be allowed to throw 
 aside our books and run down, without paying any heed 
 to Karl Ivano\dch. 
 
 Steps were heard on the staircase, but that was not 
 Foka. I had studied his walk, and always could recog- 
 nize the creak of his boots. The door opened, and an 
 entirely unfamiliar figure made its appearance.
 
 V. 
 
 THE SAINTLY FOOL 
 
 Into the room entered a man of about fifty years of 
 age, with a pale, pock-marked, oval face, long gray hair, 
 and a scanty reddish beard. He was so tall that, in order 
 to enter, he had to bend not only his head, but his whole 
 body. He was dressed in something torn that resembled 
 a caftan and a cassock ; in his hand he held a huge staff. 
 As he entered the room, he with all his might struck the 
 floor with it, and, furrowing his brow and opening his 
 mouth beyond measure, laughed out in a most terrible and 
 unnatural manner. One of his eyes was maimed, and the 
 white pupil of that eye kept on leaping about and giving 
 to his otherwise ugly face a more disgusting expression. 
 
 "Aha, caught!" he cried out, running up to Volodya 
 with mincing steps, getting hold of his head, and begin- 
 ning carefully to examine his crown. Then he walked 
 away from him with an entirely solemn expression on his 
 face, stepped to the table, and began to blow under the 
 oilcloth and to make the sign of the cross over it, 
 
 " Oh, a pity ! Oh, painful ! Dear ones — will fly 
 away," said he then, in a voice quivering with tears, feel- 
 ingly looking at Volddya, and beginning with his sleeves 
 to wipe off the tears which had really started to fall. 
 
 His voice was rough and hoarse, his motions hasty and 
 uneven, his speech senseless and incoherent (he never 
 used any pronouns), but the accents were so touching, and 
 his yellow, maimed face at times assumed such an expres- 
 
 20
 
 THE SAINTLY FOOL 21 
 
 sion of sincere sorrow, that, hearing him, it was not pos- 
 sible to abstain from a certain mingled feeling of pity, fear, 
 and sadness. 
 
 That was the saintly fool and pilgrim, Grisha. 
 
 Whence did he come ? Who were his parents ? What 
 had incited him to choose the pilgrim's life which he was 
 leading ? Nobody knew that. I only know that he had 
 been known as a saintly fool ever since his fifteenth year, 
 that he walked barefoot in summer and winter, that he 
 visited monasteries, presented images to those he took a 
 fancy to, and spoke mysterious words which some regarded 
 as prophecies, that no one had ever known him otherwise, 
 that he at times called on grandmother, and that some 
 said that he was the unfortunate son of rich parents, but 
 a pure soul, while others maintained that he was simply 
 a peasant and a lazy man. 
 
 At last long-wished-for and punctual Foka appeared, 
 and we went down-stairs. Grisha, sobbing and continuing 
 to utter incoherent words, went down after us, and struck 
 the steps with his staff. Papa and mamma were walking 
 hand in hand in the Hving-room, and discussing something. 
 Mary a Ivanovna sat stiffly in an armchair, which sym- 
 metrically adjoined the sofa at right angles, and in a stern, 
 though reserved voice, gave instructions to the girls, who 
 were sitting near her. 
 
 The moment Karl Ivanovich entered the room, she 
 glanced at him, immediately turned away, and her face 
 assumed an expression which may be rendered by, " I do 
 not notice you, Karl Ivanovich." We could read in the 
 eyes of the girls that they were anxious to transmit to us 
 some very important information, but it would have been 
 a transgression of Mimi's rules to jump up from their seats 
 and come to us. We had first to walk up to her, to say 
 " Bonjour, Mimi ! " to scuff, and then only we were per- 
 mitted to enter into a conversation. 
 
 What an intolerable person that Mimi was ! In her
 
 22 CHILDHOOD 
 
 presence it was not possible to speak about anything ; she 
 found everything improper. Besides, she continually 
 nagged us, " Parlez done franqais" every time we, as if 
 to spite her, wanted to chat in Kussian ; or, at dinner, we 
 would just get the taste of some dish and would not want 
 to be interrupted by any one, when she would burst in 
 with " Mangez done avec du pain," or " Comment-ce que 
 vous tenez votre fourchette ? " " What business has she 
 with us ? " we would think. " Let her teach the girls ; we 
 have Karl Ivdnovich for that." I absolutely shared his 
 hatred of other people. 
 
 " Ask mamma to take us out to the hunt," said Katenka, 
 in a whisper, stopping me by my blouse, when the grown 
 people had entered the dining-room. 
 
 " All right, we shall try." 
 
 Grisha dined in the dining-room, but at a separate table. 
 He did not raise his eyes from his plate, but now and then 
 sobbed, made terrible grimaces, and kept on saying, as if 
 to himself, " A pity ! flown away — the dove has flown to 
 heaven — Oh, there is a stone on the grave ! " and so on. 
 
 Mamma had been out of humour since morning : the 
 presence, words and acts of Grisha perceptibly intensified 
 that feeling in her. 
 
 " Oh, yes, I almost forgot to ask you for one thing," said 
 she, as she passed a plate of soup to father. 
 
 " What is it ? " 
 
 " Please have your awful dogs locked up ; they almost 
 bit poor Grisha to death as he crossed the yard. They 
 might attack the children some day." 
 
 When Grisha heard them speaking about him, he turned 
 toward the table, began to show the torn corners of his 
 garment, and munching, said : 
 
 " Wanted to kill. God did not let. A sin to hunt with 
 dogs, a great sin ! Strike no big ones, why strike ? God 
 will forgive, different days." 
 
 " What is he talking about ? " asked papa, sharply
 
 THE SAINTLY FOOL 23 
 
 and severely surveying him. " I do not understand a 
 word." 
 
 " liut I understand," answered mamma. " He is telling 
 me that a certain hunter had on purpose urged the dogs 
 against him, and so he says, * Wanted to kill but God did 
 not let,' and he is asking you not to punish the hunter." 
 
 " Oh, that's it ? " said papa. " But how does he know 
 that I had intended to punish the hunter ? You know, I 
 am not at all fond of these gentlemen," he continued in 
 French, " but this one is especially objectionable to me, 
 and, no doubt — " 
 
 " Oh, do not say that, my dear," mamma interrupted 
 him, as if frightened at something, " how do you know ? " 
 
 " It seems to me I have had occasion to become ac- 
 quainted with his tribe, — there are a lot of them coming 
 to see you, they are all of the same pattern. Always one 
 and the same story," 
 
 It was evident mamma was of an entirely different 
 opinion in regard to that matter, and did not wish to dis- 
 cuss it. 
 
 " Hand me that pasty, if you please," said she. " Are 
 they good to-day ? " 
 
 " No, I am angry," continued papa, taking the pasty in 
 his hand, but holding it at such a distance that mamma 
 could not reach it, " no, I am angry whenever I see intel- 
 hgent and cultivated people given to such deception." 
 
 And he struck the table with his fork. 
 
 " I have asked you to hand me the pasty," repeated she, 
 extending her hand. 
 
 " They are doing just right," continued papa, moving 
 his hand away, " when they put them in jail. The only 
 good they do is to destroy the otherwise weak nerves of 
 certain persons," added he, with a smile, as he noticed that 
 this conversation did not please mamma. Then he handed 
 her the pasty. 
 
 " I shall reply only this much to you : it is hard to be-
 
 24 CHILDHOOD 
 
 lieve that a man who, in spite of his sixty years, in sum- 
 mer and winter walks barefoot, and uninterruptedly wears 
 imder his garments chains of two puds in weight, and who 
 more than once has declined the proposition to live in 
 peace and contentment, — it is hard to believe that such 
 a man should be doing it all out of laziness. As to the 
 prophecies," she added, with a sigh and after a short si- 
 lence, "je suis paySe pour y croire, it seems to me, I have 
 told you how Kiryiisha foretold papa's death to him to 
 the very hour and day." 
 
 " Oh, what have you done with me ? " said papa, smil- 
 ing and placing his hand to his mouth on the side where 
 Mimi was sitting. (Whenever he did so, I listened with 
 redoubled attention, expecting something funny.) " Why 
 did you remind me of his feet ? I have looked at them, 
 and now I sha'n't eat anything." 
 
 The dinner was coming to an end. Lyubochka and 
 Kdtenka kept on winking to us, moving restlessly in their 
 chairs, and, in general, showing great anxiety. This 
 winking meant, " Why do you not ask to take us to the 
 hunt ? " I nudged Vol6dya with my elbow. Volddya 
 nudged me, and finally took courage ; at first speaking in 
 a timid voice, then more firmly and loudly, he declared 
 that, as we were to depart to-day, we should like to have 
 the girls go with us to the hunt, in the carriage. After a 
 short consultation between the grown people, the question 
 was decided in our favour, and, what was even more 
 agreeable, mamma said she would herself go with us.
 
 VI. 
 
 PREPARATION FOR THE HUNT 
 
 Yakov was called during the dessert and orders were 
 given in regard to the carriage, the dogs, and the saddle- 
 horses, — all this with the minutest details, calling each 
 horse by its name. 
 
 As Volodya's horse was lame, papa ordered a hunter's 
 horse to be saddled for him. This word, " hunter's horse," 
 somehow sounded strange in mamma's ears ; it seemed to 
 her that a hunter's horse must be some kind of a ferocious 
 animal, which must by all means run away with and kill 
 Volodya. In spite of the assurance of papa and of Vol6- 
 dya, who said with remarkable pluck that it was all 
 nothing and that he was very fond of being carried rapidly 
 by a horse, poor mamma continued saying that she should 
 be worrying during the whole picnic. 
 
 The dinner came to an end. The grown people went 
 into the cabinet to drink coffee, and we ran into the gar- 
 den, to scuff along the paths, which were covered with 
 fallen yellow leaves, and to have a chat. We began to 
 talk about Volodya's riding on a hunter's horse, about its 
 being a shame that Lyiibochka did not run so fast as 
 Kd,tenka, about its being interesting to get a look at 
 Grisha's chains, and so on, but not a word was said of our 
 departure. Our conversation was interrupted by the rattle 
 of the approaching carriage, on each spring of which a 
 village boy was seated. Behind the carriage followed the 
 hunters with their dogs, and behind the hunters, coachman 
 
 25
 
 26 CHILDHOOD 
 
 Igndt, riding on the horse which was intended for Vol6dya, 
 and leading my old nag by the hand. At first we all 
 rushed to the fence, from which all these interesting things 
 could be seen, and then we all ran up-stairs shouting and 
 rattling, to get dressed, and to get dressed in such a man- 
 ner as to resemble hunters most. One of the chief means 
 for obtaining that end was to tuck our pantaloons into our 
 boots. We betook ourselves to that work without any 
 loss of time, hastening to get done as soon as possible and 
 to run out on the veranda, to enjoy the sight of the dogs 
 and of the horses, and to have a chat with the hunters. 
 
 It was a hot day. "White, fantastic clouds had ap- 
 peared in the horizon early in the morning ; then a soft 
 breeze began to drive them nearer and nearer, so that at 
 times they shrouded the sun. Though the clouds moved 
 about and grew dark, it was, evidently, not fated that they 
 should gather into a storm-cloud and break up our last 
 enjoyment. Toward evening they again began to scatter : 
 they grew paler, lengthened out, and ran down to the 
 horizon ; others, above our very heads, changed into white, 
 transparent scales; only one large, black cloud hovered 
 somewhere in the east. Karl Ivanovich always knew 
 whither each cloud went. He announced that that cloud 
 would go to Maslovka, that there would be no rain, and 
 that the weather would be fine. 
 
 Foka, in spite of his declining years, very nimbly and 
 rapidly ran down-stairs, called out, " Drive up ! " and, 
 spreading his feet, planted himself in the middle of the 
 driveway, between the place where the coachman was to 
 drive up the carriage and the threshold, in the attitude of 
 a man who need not be reminded of his duties. The 
 ladies came down, and after a short discussion where each 
 one was to sit, and to whom each one was to hold on 
 (though, it seemed to me, there was no need at all to hold 
 on), they seated themselves, opened their parasols, and 
 started. As the carriage moved off, mamma pointed to the
 
 PREPARATION FOR THE HUNT 27 
 
 " hunter's horse " aud asked the coachman with a quiver- 
 mg voice : 
 
 " Is this horse for Vladimir Petrdvich ? " 
 
 When the coachman answered in the afifirmative, she 
 waved her hand and turned away. I was in great 
 impatience. I mounted my pony, looked between its 
 ears, and made all kinds of evolutions in the yard. 
 
 " Please not to crush the dogs," said a hunter to me. 
 
 " Have no fear, this is not my first time," answered I, 
 proudly. 
 
 Volodya seated himself on the " hunter's horse " not 
 without a certain trembling, in spite of the firmness of 
 his character, and, patting it, asked several times : 
 
 " Is it a gentle horse ? " 
 
 He looked very well on a horse, just like a grown 
 person. His tightly stretched thighs lay so well on the 
 saddle that I was envious, because, as far as I could 
 judge by the shadow, I did not make such a fine 
 appearance. 
 
 Then papa's steps were heard on the staircase. The 
 dog-keeper collected the hounds that had run ahead. 
 The hunters with their greyhounds called up their dogs, 
 and all mounted their horses. The groom led a horse 
 up to the veranda. The dogs of father's leash, that had 
 been lying before in various artistic positions near the 
 horse, now rushed up to him. Milka ran out after him, 
 in a beaded collar, tinkling her iron clapper. Whenever 
 she came out, she greeted the dogs of the kennel ; with 
 some of them she played, others she scented or growled 
 at, and on others, again, she looked for fleas. 
 
 Papa mounted his horse, and we started.
 
 VII. 
 
 THE HUNT 
 
 TuRKA, the Chief Hunter, rode ahead of us, on a gray, 
 hook-nosed horse. He wore a shaggy cap, and had 
 a huge horn on his shoulders and a hunting-knife in his 
 belt. From the gloomy and ferocious exterior of that 
 man one would have concluded that he was going to 
 a mortal conflict rather than to a hunt. At the hind feet 
 of his horse ran, in a motley, wavering mass, the hounds, 
 in close pack. It was a pity to see what fate befell 
 the unfortunate hound that took it into his head to drop 
 behind. In order to do so, he had to puU his companion 
 with all his might, and whenever he accomplished it, one 
 of the dog-keepers who rode behind struck him with his 
 hunting-whip, calling out, " Back to the pack ! " When 
 he rode out of the gate, papa ordered the hunters and us 
 to ride on the road, but he himself turned into the rye- 
 field. 
 
 The harvesting was in full blast. The immeasurable, 
 bright yellow field was closed in only on one side by 
 a tall, bluish forest which then appeared to me as a most 
 distant and mysterious place, beyond which either the 
 world came to an end, or uninhabitable countries began. 
 The whole field was filled with sheaves and men. Here 
 and there, in the high, thick rye, could be seen, in a 
 reaped swath, the bent form of a reaping woman, the 
 swinging of the ears as she drew them through her 
 
 28
 
 THE HUNT 29 
 
 fingers ; a womaa in the shade, bending over a cradle ; 
 and scattered stacks in the stubble-field that was over- 
 grown with bluebottles. Elsewhere peasants in nothing 
 but shirts, standing on carts, were loading the sheaves, 
 and raising the dust on the dry, heated field. The village 
 elder, in boots and with a camel-hair coat over his 
 shoulders, and notched sticks in his hand, having noticed 
 us in the distance, doffed his lambskin cap, %viped off his 
 red-haired head and beard with a towel, and called out 
 loud to the women. The sorrel horse on which papa was 
 riding went at a light, playful canter, now and then drop- 
 ping his head to his breast, drawing out his reins, and 
 switching off with his heavy tail the horseflies and gnats 
 that eagerly clung to him. 
 
 Two greyhounds, bending their tails tensely in the 
 shape of a sickle and lifting their legs high, gracefully 
 leaped over the high stubble, behind the feet of the horse ; 
 Milka ran in front and, bending her head, waited to be 
 fed. The conversation of the people, the tramp of the 
 horses, the rattle of the carts, the merry piping of 
 the quails, the buzzing of the insects that hovered in the 
 air in immovable clouds, the odour of wormwood, of straw, 
 and of horses' sweat, thousands of various flowers and of 
 shadows which the burning sun spread over the light- 
 yellow stubble-field, over the blue distance of the forest, 
 and over the light, lilac clouds, the white cobwebs that 
 were borne in the air or that lodged upon the stubbles, — 
 all that I saw, heard, and felt. 
 
 When we reached the Viburnum Forest, we found the 
 carriage there and, above all expectation, another one- 
 horse vehicle, in the midst of which sat the butler. 
 Through the hay peeped a samovar, a pail with an ice- 
 cream freezer, and a few attractive bundles and boxes. 
 There was no mistaking ; we were to have tea, ice-cream, 
 and fruit in the open. At the sight of the vehicle we 
 expressed a noisy delight, because it was regarded as a
 
 30 CHILDHOOD 
 
 great pleasure to drink tea in the woods, on the grass, 
 and, in general, in a spot where no one ever drank tea. 
 
 Tiirka rode up to the grove, stopped, attentively lis- 
 tened to papa's minute instructions as to where to line 
 up and where to come out (however, he never complied 
 with these instructions, but did as he thought best), 
 unloosed the dogs, fixed the braces, mounted his horse, 
 and, whistling, disappeared behind the young birch-trees. 
 The loosed hounds first expressed their pleasure by 
 wagging their tails, then shook themselves, straightened 
 themselves, and, scenting their way and shaking their 
 tails, ran in different directions. 
 
 " Have you a handkerchief ? " asked papa. 
 
 I took it out of my pocket and showed it to him. 
 
 " Well, so, take this gray dog on your handkerchief." 
 
 " Zhiran ? " said I, with the look of a connoisseur. 
 
 " Yes ! and run along the road. "When you come to 
 a clearing, stop. And look out ; do not come back to me 
 without a hare ! " 
 
 I tied my handkerchief around Zhirdn's shaggy neck, 
 and ran headlong to the place indicated. Papa laughed 
 and cried after me : 
 
 " Hurry up, hurry up, or you will be late ! " 
 
 Zhiran kept stopping all the time, pricking his ears, 
 and listening to the calls of the hunters. I did not have 
 enough strength to pull him off, and I began to cry, 
 " Atii ! atu ! " Then Zhiran tugged so hard that I barely 
 could hold him back and fell down several times before 
 I could reach the place. Having found a shady, level 
 spot at the foot of a tall oak-tree, I lay down in the 
 grass, placed Zhiran near me, and began to wait. My 
 imagination, as generally happens under such circum- 
 stances, far outran the actual facts ; I imagined that I was 
 baiting the third hare, whereas it was only the first 
 hound that was heard in the woods. Turka's voice was 
 heard through the forest ever louder and more animated ;
 
 THE HUNT 31 
 
 the hound whimpered, and his voice was heard more fre- 
 quently ; a second, bass voice joined it, then a third, a 
 fourth. These voices now grew silent, now interrupted 
 each other. The sounds grew in volume and became less 
 irregular, and finally ran together into one hollow, long- 
 drawn tone. The grove was rich in echoes, and the 
 hounds bayed incessantly. 
 
 When I heard that, I remained as if petrified in my 
 place. Fixing my eyes on the clearing, I smiled meaning- 
 lessly ; the perspiration coursed down my face in a stream, 
 and, though its drops, running over my cheek, tickled me, 
 I did not wipe them off. It seemed to me that there 
 could be nothing more decisive than this moment. The 
 strain of this intent feeling was too great to last long. 
 The hounds now bayed at the very clearing, now kept 
 on receding from me. There was no hare. I began 
 to look around me. The same mood seemed to possess 
 Zhiran ; at first he tugged to get away and whimpered ; 
 then he lay down near me, placed his snout on my knees, 
 and grew quiet. 
 
 Near the bared roots of that oak-tree, under which I 
 was sitting, ants were swarming over the gray, dry earth, 
 between the dry oak leaves, acorns, dried up, lichen- 
 covered sticks, yellowish green moss and the thin blades 
 of grass that peeped through here and there. They were 
 hastening, one after the other, along the foot-paths which 
 they had laid out : some of them went with burdens, 
 others without burdens. I took a stick in my hand and 
 barred their way. It was a sight to see how some of 
 them, despising the danger, crawled under the obstacle, 
 while others crept over it ; and some, especially those that 
 were with burdens, were completely lost, and did not 
 know what to do : they stopped, looked for a way round, 
 or turned back, or climbing over the stick reached my 
 hand and, it seemed, were trying to get in the sleeve 
 of my blouse. I was distracted from these interesting
 
 32 CHILDHOOD 
 
 observations by a butterfly with yellow wings that entic- 
 ingly circled about me. The moment I directed my 
 attention to it, it flew away some two steps from me, 
 hovered above an almost withered white flower of wild 
 clover, and alighted upon it. I do not know whether the 
 sun warmed the butterfly, or whether it was drinking the 
 juice of that flower, — in any case, it was evidently 
 happy there. It now and then flapped its wings and 
 pressed close to the flower ; finally it remained perfectly 
 quiet. I put my head on both my hands, and looked 
 with dehght at the butterfly. 
 
 Suddenly Zhiran began to whine, and he tugged with 
 such strength that I almost fell down. I looked around. 
 At the edge of the forest leaped a hare, one of his ears 
 lying flat and the other standing erect. The blood rushed 
 to my head and I, forgetting myself for the moment, cried 
 something in an unnatural voice, let the dog go, and 
 started to run myself. No sooner had I done that, than 
 I began to feel remorse ; the hare squatted, took a leap, 
 and I never saw him again. 
 
 But what was my shame when Tiirka appeared from 
 behind a bush, in the wake of the hounds that with one 
 voice made for the open ! He had seen my mistake 
 (which was that I did not hold out), and, looking con- 
 temptuously at me, he said only: "Ah, master!" But 
 you should have heard how he said it ! I should have 
 felt better if he had hung me from his saddle like a hare. 
 
 I stood long in the same spot in great despair, did not 
 call the dog back, and only kept on repeating, striking my 
 thighs : 
 
 " Lord, what have I done ! " 
 
 I heard the hounds coursing away ; I heard them 
 beating at the other end of the grove, and driving the 
 hare, and Tiirka blowing his huge horn and calling the 
 dogs, — but I did not budge.
 
 VIII. 
 
 GAMES 
 
 The hunt was ended. A rug was spread in the shade 
 of young birch-trees, and the whole company seated 
 themselves on it. Butler Gavrilo had stamped down the 
 juicy green grass around him, and was wiping the plates 
 and taking out of a box plums and peaches that were 
 wrapped in leaves. The sun shone through the green 
 branches of the birches, and cast round, quivering bits of 
 light on the patterns of the rug, on my feet, and even on 
 the bald, perspiring head of Gavrilo. A light breeze that 
 blew through the leafage of the trees, and over my hair 
 and perspiring face, greatly refreshed me. 
 
 When we had received our shares of ice-cream and 
 fruit, there was nothing else to do on the rug, and we 
 arose, in spite of the burning, oblique rays of the sun, and 
 went away to play. 
 
 " Well, what shall it be ? " said Lyubochka, blinking 
 from the sun and hopping about on the grass. *' Let us 
 play Eobinson." 
 
 " No, that is tiresome," said Volddya, lazily throwing 
 himself on the grass and chewing at some leaves, "that 
 everlasting Eobinson ! If you want to play something, 
 let us rather build an arbour." 
 
 Volddya evidently was playing the great gentleman : 
 he, no doubt, was proud of having come on a hunter's 
 horse, and he pretended he was very tired. But, on the 
 other hand, he may have had too much common sense 
 
 33
 
 34 CHILDHOOD 
 
 and too little imagination to take complete enjoyment in 
 the game of Robinson. The game consisted in perform- 
 ing scenes from the " Swiss Family Robinson," which we 
 had lately read 
 
 " Well, why, pray, do you not want to give us that 
 pleasure ? " insisted the girls. " You may be Charles, or 
 Ernest, or the father, — whichever you wish," said Ki- 
 tenka, trying to raise him from the ground by the sleeve 
 of his blouse. 
 
 " Really, I don't feel like it, it is tiresome ! " said 
 Volodya, stretching himself and at the same time smihng 
 with self-satisfaction. 
 
 " I should have preferred to stay at home, if nobody 
 wants to play," said Lyiibochka, through tears. 
 
 She was a great blubberer. 
 
 ** Well, let us have it ; only, please, stop weeping, — I 
 can't bear it ! " 
 
 Vol6dya's condescension gave us very little pleasure ; 
 on the contrary, his lazy and weary look destroyed all the 
 charm of the game. When we seated ourselves on the 
 ground and, imagining that we were rowing out to catch fish, 
 began to row with all our might, Volodya sat down with 
 crossed arms and in a pose which had nothing in common 
 with the attitude of a fisherman. I told him so ; but he 
 answered that we should gain nothing from swinging our 
 arms more or less, and that we should not get far away 
 anyhow. I involuntarily agreed with him. When I 
 imagined that, holding a stick over my shoulder, I was 
 going into the woods to hunt, Volddya lay flat on his 
 back, with his hands behind his head, and told me that 
 he was going there too. Such actions and words cooled 
 our zest for the game, and were extremely unpleasant, 
 the more so since, in reality, we could not help admitting 
 that Volodya acted wisely. 
 
 I know myself that with a stick it is not possible to 
 kill a bird, or even to shoot at all. That is only a game.
 
 GAMES 35 
 
 But if one were to judge that way, it would not even 
 be possible to ride on chairs; and yet, Volddya him- 
 self remembers, I think, how in the long winter even- 
 ings we used to cover an armchair with a cloth, and 
 make a carriage of it; one took the coachman's seat, 
 another the lackey's, the girls were in the middle, 
 three stools were the three horses, — and we started off 
 on the road. And what different kinds of accidents used 
 to happen on that road, and how merrily and swiftly 
 those winter evenings passed away ! To judge by what 
 was going on now, there would be no game. And if there 
 were to be no game, what, then, would be left ?
 
 IX. 
 
 SOMETHING LIKE FIRST LOVE 
 
 As Lyiibochka represented that she was plucking some 
 American fruit from a tree, she pulled down, together 
 with a leaf, an immense worm ; she threw it away in 
 terror, lifted up her hands, and jumped aside, as if afraid 
 that something might burst from it. The game stopped, 
 we all fell to the ground, touching our heads, to get 
 a glimpse of that peculiar thing. 
 
 I was looking over Katenka's shoulder, who was trying 
 to lift the worm on a leaf which she placed in its way. 
 
 I had noticed that many girls were in the habit of 
 shrugging their shoulders, whenever they tried to restore 
 the low-necked dress to its proper place. I remember 
 how Mimi used to get angry at that motion, saying: 
 "C'est un geste de femme de chamhre." As K^tenka 
 was bending over the worm, she made that very motion, 
 and at the same time the wind raised her httle braid from 
 her white neck. Her shoulder was, during that motion 
 of hers, about two feet from my lips. I was no longer 
 looking at the worm, but right straight at her shoulder, 
 which I gave a smacking kiss. She did not turn round, 
 but I noticed that her neck and ears were blushing. 
 Volodya did not raise his head, but said, contemptuously : 
 
 " What tenderness ! " 
 
 There were tears in my eyes. 
 
 I did not take my eyes away from K^tenka. I had 
 long been used to her fresh, fair face, and I always loved 
 
 36
 
 SOMETHING LIKE FIRST LOVE 37 
 
 it ; but now I began to look more closely at it, and 
 loved it even more. When we walked up to the grown 
 people, papa announced to our great delight that, at 
 mother's request, our departure was postponed till the 
 next morning. 
 
 We rode back together with the carriage. Volodya 
 and I, desirous to surpass each other in the art of horse- 
 back riding and in daring, made all kinds of evolutions 
 near it. My shadow was now longer than before, and, 
 judging by it, I supposed that I had the appearance of a 
 fine-looking rider ; but the feeling of self-satisfaction 
 which I was experiencing was soon shattered by the fol- 
 lowing incident. Wishing to gain the final applause of 
 all those who were seated in the carriage, I lagged a little 
 behind, then, with the aid of whip and legs, put the horse 
 to a gallop, assumed a carelessly graceful attitude, and 
 attempted to pass in a whirl on the side of the carriage, 
 where Katenka was sitting. The only thing I did not 
 know was whether to pass by in silence, or with a shout. 
 But the miserable horse stopped so suddenly the moment it 
 came in a line with the carriage horses, in spite of all my 
 efforts to the contrary, that I flew over the saddle upon 
 its neck, and came very near rolling off.
 
 THE KIND OF A MAN MY FATHER WAS 
 
 He was a man of the past age, and had the indefinable 
 character, common to the youths of that time, a compound 
 of chivalry, daring, self-confidence, amiability and merri- 
 ment. He looked contemptuously at the people of the 
 present generation, which view originated as much in his 
 inborn haughtiness, as in the secret annoyance because in 
 our age he could have neither that influence, nor those 
 successes, which he had enjoyed in his. His two chief 
 passions in hfe were cards and women ; he had won 
 several miUions in the course of his life, and he had 
 liaisons with an endless number of women of all classes of 
 society. 
 
 A tall, stately stature, a strange, mincing gait, a habit 
 of shrugging his shoulder, small, eternally smiling eyes, a 
 large, aquiline nose, irregular lips that were folded rather 
 awkwardly, but pleasantly, a defective enunciation, — he 
 lisped, — and a head entirely bald : such was the exterior 
 of my father ever since I can remember him, — an 
 exterior with which he managed not only to pass for a 
 man ii bonnes fortunes, — and he really was such, — but 
 even to be in favour with people of all conditions of life, 
 especially with those whom he wished to please. 
 
 He knew how to get the best out of his relations with 
 everybody. Although he had never been a man of very 
 fashionable society, he always cultivated the acquaintance 
 of people of that circle, and he did this in such a manner 
 
 38
 
 THE KIND OF A MAN MY FATHER WAS 39 
 
 as to be respected. He was possessed of that extreme 
 measure of pride and self-confidence which, without 
 offending others, raised him in the opinion of the world. 
 He was original, though not always so, and he used this 
 originality as a means of social advancement which in 
 some cases took the place of worldliness and wealth. 
 Nothing in the world could rouse in him a feeling of sur- 
 prise: in whatever brilliant position he happened to be, 
 he always seemed to have been born for it. He knew so 
 well how to hide from others and remove from himself the 
 dark side of life which is filled with petty annoyances 
 and grief, that it was impossible not to envy him. He 
 was a connoisseur in all things that furnish comfort and 
 enjoyment, and he knew how to use them. 
 
 His hobby was his brilliant connections, which he pos- 
 sessed partly through my mother's family relations, partly 
 through the companions of his youth. But at them he 
 was angered in his heart, because they had far advanced 
 in rank, while he for ever remained a Lieutenant of the 
 Guard, out of service. Like all former military men, he 
 did not know how to dress fashionably ; but he dressed 
 originally and with taste. He always wore ample light 
 raiment, beautiful linen, large turned-back cuffs and col- 
 lars. And everything was well adapted to his tall stature, 
 strong frame, bald head, and quiet, self-confident motions. 
 
 He was sensitive and even given to weeping. Fre- 
 quently, when in reading aloud he reached a pathetic 
 passage, his voice would falter, and tears appear, and he 
 would angrily put down the book. He loved music and 
 sang, accompanying himself at the piano, the ditties of his 
 
 friend A , gipsy songs and some arias from operas ; 
 
 but he did not like "scientific" music and, disregarding 
 the commonly accepted opinion, openly said that Beet- 
 hoven's sonatas made him sleepy and tired, and that he 
 knew nothing better than " Wake me not, while I am 
 young," as Madam Sem^nov used to sing it, and " Not
 
 40 CHILDHOOD 
 
 alone," as the gipsy maiden Tanyusha sang it. His nature 
 was one of those which for a good deed need a public, 
 God knows whether he had any moral convictions. His 
 life was so full of distractions of all kinds that he had 
 had no time to form them, and he was so fortunate in his 
 life that he saw no need for them. 
 
 In his old age he formed settled opinions and invari- 
 able rules for everything, but they were all based exclu- 
 sively on a practical basis. Those acts and that conduct 
 of life which caused him happiness and pleasure he 
 regarded as good, and he considered that all people ought 
 at all times to act likewise. He spoke with great enthu- 
 siasm, and that abihty, it seemed to me, increased the 
 flexibility of his rules : he was not able to speak of 
 the same deed as a very pleasant jest and as an act 
 of low rascality.
 
 XL 
 
 OCCUPATIONS IN THE CABINET AND IN THE SITTING- 
 ROOM 
 
 It was getting dark when we reached home. Mamma 
 seated herself at the piano, and we children brought 
 paper, pencils, and paint, and took up positions at the 
 round table. I had only some blue paint ; yet I began to 
 picture the hunt with that alone. Having very vividly 
 represented a blue boy astride on a blue horse, and blue 
 dogs, I was not quite sure whether it was proper to paint 
 a blue hare, and so I ran into papa's cabinet to take coun- 
 sel with him. Papa was reading something, and to my 
 question, " Are there any blue hares ? " he answered, with- 
 out raising his head, " There are, my dear, there are." I 
 returned to the round table and painted a blue hare ; but 
 I found it necessary later to change the blue hare into a 
 bush. The bush did not please me either ; I made a tree 
 of it, and of the tree I made a hay rick, and of the rick a 
 cloud, and finally I so smeared the whole paper over with 
 the blue paint, that I tore it up in anger, and dozed off in 
 an armchair. 
 
 Mamma was playing the second concert of Field, her 
 teacher. I was dozing, and in my imagination rose some 
 light, bright and transparent recollections. She began to 
 play a pathetic sonata of Beethoven, and something sad, 
 heavy and gloomy overcast my mind. Mamma often 
 played these two pieces. I very well remember, there- 
 fore, the feeling which they evoked in me. That feeling 
 
 41
 
 42 CHILDHOOD 
 
 resembled recollections, but recollections of what ? It 
 seemed to me that I was recalling something that had 
 never been. 
 
 Opposite me was the door to the cabinet, and I saw 
 Y^kov and some other people in caftans and beards enter- 
 ing through it. The door was at once closed after them. 
 " Well, now the occupation has begun ! " thought I. It 
 seemed to me there was nothing more important in the 
 whole world than the affairs which were transacted in the 
 cabinet. I was strengthened in this belief because people 
 generally walked up to the door of the cabinet whispering 
 and on tiptoe, while from it was heard papa's loud voice, 
 and was borne the odour of a cigar which, for some reason, 
 always attracted me. In my waking moments I was sud- 
 denly struck by a famihar creaking of boots in the offi- 
 ciating room. Karl Ivanovich walked up on tiptoe, but 
 with a gloomy and firm face, holding some kind of notes 
 in his hand, and lightly knocked at the door. He was 
 admitted, and the door was again closed. 
 
 " I wonder whether some misfortune has happened," 
 thought I, " Karl Ivdnovich is angry, and he is capable of 
 doing almost anything." 
 
 I again fell asleep. 
 
 There was, however, no misfortune. An hour later the 
 same creaking boots awoke me. Karl Ivanovich, with his 
 handkerchief wiping off the tears which I had noticed on 
 his cheeks, issued from the door, and mumbhng something 
 to himself, went up-stairs. Papa came out after him, and 
 entered the sitting-room. 
 
 " Do you know what I have just decided ? " said he in 
 a happy voice, placing his hand on mamma's shoulder. 
 
 " What, my dear ? " 
 
 " I shall take Karl Ivanovich along with the children. 
 They are used to him, and he, it seems, is really attached 
 to them. Seven hundred roubles a year does not amount 
 to much, et puis au fond c'est un ires bon didble."
 
 OCCUPATIONS IN CABINET AND SITTING-ROOM 43 
 
 I could not at all grasp why papa was scolding Karl 
 Iv^novich. 
 
 " I am very glad," said mamma, " both for the children 
 and for him ; he is an excellent old man." 
 
 " You ought to have seen how touched he was when I 
 told him that he should leave the five hundred roubles as 
 a present for the children ! But what is most amusing is 
 the bill which he brought me. It is worth looking at," 
 added he, with a smile, as he gave her the note which had 
 been written by Karl Ivanovich's hand. " It is fine ! " 
 
 Here are the contents of the note. 
 
 " For the children two fishing-rod — 70 kopek. 
 
 " Coloured paper, gold border, glew and form for boxs, 
 as presents — 6 roubles 55 kopek. 
 
 "A book and bow, presents to children — 8 roubles 16 
 kopek. 
 
 " Pantaloon to Nikolay — 4 rouble. 
 
 " Promised by Peter Aleksantrofich from Moscow in the 
 year 18 — gold watch at 140 roubles. 
 
 " Sum total due to Karl Mauer outside of salary — 159 
 roubles 79 kopek." 
 
 Eeading this note, in which Karl Ivanovich demanded 
 payment for all his expenditures for presents, and even 
 for a present which he had been promised, everybody 
 will conclude that Karl Ivanovich was nothing more 
 than an unfeeling and avaricious egoist, but that is a 
 mistake. 
 
 When he entered the cabinet with the notes in his hand 
 and with a ready speech in his head, he had intended to 
 expatiate to papa on all the injustice which he had suf- 
 fered in our house, but when he began to speak in the 
 same touching voice and the same touching intonations in 
 which he generally dictated to us, his eloquence acted most 
 powerfully upon himself, so that when he reached the 
 place where he said, " However sad it will be for me to 
 part from the children," he completely lost himself, his
 
 44 CHILDHOOD 
 
 voice began to tremble, and he was compelled to get his 
 checkered handkerchief out of his pocket. 
 
 " Yes, Peter Aleksandrych," said he through tears (that 
 passage was not at all in his prepared speech), " I am so 
 accustomed to the children that I do not know what I am 
 going to do without them. I should prefer to serve you 
 without pay," he added, with one hand wiping his tears, 
 and with the other handing in his bill. 
 
 I am absolutely sure that Karl Ivdnovich was that 
 moment speaking sincerely, because I know his good 
 heart ; but it remains a mystery to me how his bill har- 
 monized with his words. 
 
 " If the parting is sad for you, it is still sadder for me," 
 said papa, tapping his shoulder. " I have now changed my 
 mind." 
 
 Shortly before supper, Grisha entered the room. He 
 had not ceased sobbing and weepiag from the time he had 
 come to our home, which, in the opinion of those who 
 believed in his ability to predict, foreboded some misfor- 
 tune for our house. He began to take leave, and said that 
 the next morning he would wander on. I beckoned to 
 Volodya, and went out-of-doors. 
 
 " What ? " 
 
 " If you want to see Grisha's chains, let us go up-stairs, 
 to the apartments of the male servants. Grisha sleeps 
 there in the second room, and we can see everything from 
 the lumber-room, and we shall see everything — " 
 
 " Superb ! Wait here awhile ; I will call the girls." 
 
 The girls came out, and we proceeded up-stairs. After 
 some dispute as to who should be the first to go into the 
 dark lumber-room, we seated ourselves, and began to wait.
 
 XII. 
 
 GRISHA 
 
 We felt ill at ease in the darkness. We pressed close 
 to each other, and did not say a word. Almost right after 
 us Grisha entered with slow steps. In one hand he held 
 his staff, in the other a tallow dip in a brass candlestick. 
 We did not dare to breathe. 
 
 " Lord Jesus Christ ! Holy Mother of God ! To the 
 Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost," repeated he, breath- 
 ing heavily, with all kinds of intonations and abbrevia- 
 tions which are peculiar only to those who often repeat 
 these words. 
 
 Having, with a prayer, placed his staff in the corner, 
 and surveying his bed, he began to undress. Ungirding 
 his old black belt, he slowly took off his torn nankeen 
 frock, carefully folded it, and hung it over the back of the 
 chair. His face did not now express, as usually, dulness 
 and haste; on the contrary, he was quiet, pensive, and 
 even majestic. His motions were slow and thoughtful. 
 
 When he was left in the linen, he softly let himself 
 down on his bed, made the sign of the cross over it on 
 all sides, and, as could easily be seen, with an effort (he 
 was frowning) rearranged the chains under his shirt. 
 Having remained for a minute in a sitting posture, and 
 carefully examining the linen which had been torn in 
 places, he arose, with a prayer raised the candle on a 
 level with the holy shrine, in which were a few images, 
 made the sign of the cross toward them, and turned the 
 
 45
 
 46 CHILDHOOD 
 
 candle upside down. It went out with a crackling 
 sound. 
 
 The almost full moon burst through the windows that 
 looked out upon the forest. The long, white figure of 
 the fool was, on the one side, illuminated by the pale, 
 silvery beams of the moon, and, on the other, it fell as a 
 black shadow, together with the shadows from the frames, 
 upon the floor and the walls, and reached up to the ceil- 
 ing. In the yard the watchman was beating his brass 
 plate. 
 
 Crossing his enormous hands on his breast, dropping 
 his head, and continually drawing deep breaths, Grisha 
 stood silently before the images, then with difi&culty let 
 himself down on his knees and began to pray. 
 
 At first he softly said familiar prayers, accentuating 
 certain words, then he repeated them, but louder and 
 with more animation. He began to use his own words, 
 with perceptible effort trying to express himself in Church- 
 Slavic. His words were incorrect, but touching. He 
 prayed for all his benefactors (thus he called aU who re- 
 ceived him), among them for my mother, and for us ; he 
 prayed for himself, and asked the Lord to forgive him his 
 heavy sins, and repeated, " Lord, forgive mine ene- 
 mies ! " He arose with groans, stUl repeating the same 
 words, prostrated himself upon the ground, and again 
 arose, in spite of the weight of the chains that emitted a 
 grating, penetrating sound as they struck the ground. 
 
 Volddya pinched my leg very painfully, but I did not 
 even turn round. I only rubbed the place with my hand 
 and continued, with a feeling of childish wonder, pity, 
 and awe, to follow all the movements and words of 
 Grisha. 
 
 Instead of merriment and laughter, which I had ex- 
 pected upon entering the lumber-room, I now experienced 
 a chill and anguish of soul. 
 
 Grisha was for a long time in that attitude of religious
 
 GRISHA 47 
 
 ecstasy, and he improvised prayers. Now he repeated 
 several times in succession, " The Lord have mercy upon 
 me," but every time with new strength and expression ; 
 now, again, he said, " Forgive me, Lord, instruct me 
 what to do, instruct me what to do, O Lord ! " with an 
 expression, as if he expected an immediate answer to his 
 prayer; now, again, were heard only pitiful sobs. He 
 rose on his knees, crossed his arms on his breast, and 
 grew silent. 
 
 I softly put my head out of the door, and did not 
 breathe. Grisha did not move ; deep sighs escaped from 
 his breast; in the dim pupil of his blind eye, which 
 was illuminated by the moon, stopped a tear. 
 
 " Thy will be done ! " he suddenly exclaimed with an 
 inimitable expression, knocked his brow against the floor, 
 and began to sob like an infant. 
 
 Much water has flowed since then, many memories of 
 the past have lost all meaning for me and have become 
 dim recollections, and pilgrim Grisha has long ago ended 
 his last pilgrimage ; but the impression which he pro- 
 duced on me, and the feeling which he evoked, will 
 never die in my memory. 
 
 great Christian Grisha ! Your faith was so strong 
 that you felt the nearness of God ; your love was so great 
 that words flowed of their own will from your lips, and 
 you did not verify them by reason. And what high 
 praise you gave to His majesty, when, not finding any 
 words, you prostrated yourself on the ground ! 
 
 The feeling of contrition with which I hstened to 
 Grisha could not last long ; in the first place, because my 
 curiosity was satisfied, and, in the second, because my 
 feet had fallen asleep from sitting so long in one posture, 
 and I wanted to join in the general whispering and con- 
 sultation which was taking place behind me in the dark 
 lumber-room. Somebody touched my hand, and said in 
 a whisper, " Whose hand is it ? " It was very dark in
 
 48 CHILDHOOD 
 
 the lumber-room, but, by the mere touch and by the 
 voice that was whispering right over my ear, I imme- 
 diately recognized Katenka. 
 
 Quite unconsciously I seized her short-gloved arm at 
 the elbow, and pressed my lips against it. Katenka, it 
 seems, was surprised at this action, and drew her hand 
 back ; in doing so, she knocked down a broken chair 
 which was standing in the lumber-room. Grisha raised 
 his head, quietly looked around and, saying his prayer, 
 began to make the sign of the cross in all the corners. 
 We ran out of the lumber-room noisily.
 
 XIII. 
 
 NATALYA sXviSHNA 
 
 In the middle of the last century there used to rua 
 about the yards of the village Khabarovka, in a dress of 
 ticking, the barefoot, but merry, fat, and red-cheeked 
 girl, Nat^shka. On account of the deserts, and at the 
 request of her father, the clarinet-player Savva, my grand- 
 father took her "up-stairs," to be among the female 
 servants of grandmother. Chambermaid Natashka distin- 
 guished herself in that capacity, both by her meekness 
 of manner and by her zeal. When mother was born, and 
 a nurse was needed, this duty fell on Natashka. In that 
 new field she earned praises and rewards for her activity, 
 faithfulness, and attachment to the young miss. But 
 the powdered head and the buckled stockings of young, 
 dapper, officious Fdka, who had frequent relations with 
 her during his duties, charmed her coarse, but loving 
 heart. She had even made up her own mind to go to 
 grandfather to ask his permission to marry F6ka. Grand- 
 father received her wish as a sign of her ingratitude, 
 grew angry, and sent poor Natalya, as a punishment, 
 into the cattle-yard in a village of the steppes. Six 
 months later, however, since there was no one who could 
 take her place, she was brought back to the estate, and 
 restored to her old position. As she returned from ban- 
 ishment in her ticking garments, she appeared before 
 grandfather, fell down before his feet, and asked him to 
 
 restore her to his former favour and kindness, and to for- 
 
 49
 
 50 CHILDHOOD 
 
 get her old infatuation which, she swore, would never 
 again return. And, indeed, she kept her word. 
 
 Since then Nat^hka became Natdlya Sdvishna, and 
 donned a cap ; all the abundance of love which she treas- 
 ured she transferred to her young lady. 
 
 "When a governess took her place with my mother, she 
 received the keys of the larder, and all the linen and the 
 provisions were placed in her hands. She executed her 
 new duties with the same zeal and love. She hved only 
 for the good of her masters, and seeing in everything loss, 
 ruin, and misappropriation, tried in all ways to counteract 
 them. 
 
 When mamma married, she wished to show her appre- 
 ciation of Natalya Savishna's twenty years' labour and 
 faithfulness; so she sent for her, and expressing in the 
 most flattering words all her gratefulness and love for 
 her, handed her a sheet of paper with a revenue stamp 
 upon it, on which was written Natalya Sdvishna's eman- 
 cipation, adding that, no matter whether she continued to 
 serve in our house or not, she would receive a yearly pen- 
 sion of three hundred roubles. Natalya listened to all 
 that in silence, then, taking the document in her hands, 
 angrily looked upon it, mumbled something between her 
 teeth, and ran out of the room, slamming the door behind 
 her. Mamma did not understand the cause of her strange 
 act, so, waiting a few minutes, she went into Natalya 
 Sdvishna's room. She was sitting with tearful eyes upon 
 her coffer, fingering her handkerchief, and was looking 
 fixedly at the bits of the torn emancipation document 
 that were lying near her feet. 
 
 " What is the matter with you, my dear Natalya ? " 
 asked mamma, as she took her hand. 
 
 " Nothing, motherkin," answered she. " Evidently I 
 have in some way displeased you, that you are chasing 
 me from the estate. Well, I shall go." 
 
 She tore her hand away and, scarcely restraining her
 
 NATALTA SAVISHNA 51 
 
 tears, wanted to rush out of the room. Mamma kept 
 her back, embraced her, and they both melted into tears. 
 
 As far back as I can remember myself, I remember 
 Natalya Sdvishna, her love and her favours ; but it is only 
 now that I am able to estimate them, — for then it never 
 occurred to me what a rare and remarkable being that old 
 woman was. She not only never spoke, but, it seems, 
 she never even thought of herself; all her life consisted 
 of love and self-sacrifice. I was so accustomed to her 
 unselfish, tender love for us that I did not imagine it 
 could have been otherwise, in no way was grateful to her, 
 and never asked myself whether she was happy or satisfied. 
 
 At times I would run into her chamber, under the pre- 
 text of some absolute necessity, and would sit down and 
 begin to think aloud, not being in the least troubled by 
 her presence. She was always busy with something : she 
 either knitted some stockings or rummaged through the 
 coffers with which her chamber was crowded, or took a 
 list of the linen, and, listening to all the nonsense which 
 I was talking, how, " when I shall be a general, I will 
 marry a famous beauty, will buy me a red horse, will 
 build me a glass house, and will send for Karl Ivdnovich's 
 relatives in Saxony," and so forth, she would say, " Yes, 
 my dear, yes." Generally, when I got up to go, she 
 opened a blue coffer, on the lid of which were pasted, on 
 the inside, — I remember it as if it happened to-day, — a 
 coloured reproduction of a hussar, a picture with a poma- 
 tum can, and a drawing by Volddya, — took out of that 
 box some incense, lighted it, and, fanning, said : 
 
 " This, my dear one, is incense from Ochakov. When 
 your deceased grandfather — the kingdom of heaven be 
 his ! — went against the Turks, he brought it back from 
 there. There is only this last piece left," she added 
 with a sigh. 
 
 In the coffers that filled the room there was absolutely 
 everything. No matter what was needed, they used to
 
 52 CHILDHOOD 
 
 say, " We ought to ask Nat^lya S^vishna," and, indeed, 
 after rummaging awhile, she would find the necessary 
 article and declare, "Luckily I have put it away." In 
 these cofifers there were thousands of such articles of 
 which nobody in the house knew anything, and for which 
 no one cared, except she. 
 
 Once I was angry with her. It happened like this. 
 At dinner, as I was pouring out a glass of kvas, I 
 dropped the bottle and spoiled the table-cloth. 
 
 " Call Natalya Savishna to see what her darling child 
 has done," said mamma. 
 
 Natdlya Savishna entered, and, seeing the puddle which 
 I had made, shook her head; then mamma said some- 
 thing in her ear, and she went out threatening me with 
 her finger. 
 
 After dinner I went into the parlour, leaping about in 
 the happiest frame of mind, when suddenly Natdlya 
 Savishna jumped from behind the door, with the table- 
 cloth in her hands, caught me, and began to wipe my face 
 with the wet part of it, all the time saying : " Don't soil 
 table-cloths, don't soil table-cloths ! " That so incensed 
 me, that I bawled from anger. 
 
 " What ! " said I to myself, as I walked about the par- 
 lour and choked with tears, "Natalya Sdvishna, simple 
 ISTat^lya, says ' thou ' to me, and strikes my face with a 
 wet table-cloth, as if I were a common village boy. No, 
 that is terrible ! " 
 
 When Natalya Savishna saw that I was blubbering, 
 she ran away, but I continued to strut about and to con- 
 sider how to repay insolent Natalya for the insult which 
 she had offered me. 
 
 A few minutes later Natalya Savishna returned, timidly 
 accosted me, and began to console me. 
 
 " Do stop, my dear one, stop weeping — forgive me, 
 foolish woman — I have done wrong — you will forgive 
 me, my darhng — here is something for you."
 
 natXlya savishna 53 
 
 She took from her handkerchief a cornet, in which 
 were two pieces of caramels and one fig, and with a trem- 
 bling hand gave them to me. I did not have enough 
 strength to look into the face of the good old woman ; I 
 turned away, as I accepted the present, and my tears 
 began to flow more copiously, this time not from anger, 
 but from love and shame.
 
 xrv. 
 
 THE SEPARATION 
 
 On the day following the incidents described by me, at 
 the twelfth hour, a carriage and a calash stood at the 
 entrance. Nikolay was dressed in travelling fashion ; that 
 is, his trousers were tucked into his boots and his coat 
 was tightly girded by a belt. He was standing in the 
 calash and arranging the ulsters and pillows on the seats ; 
 if they seemed too much puffed, he seated himself on the 
 pillows, and, leaping up and down, pressed them into 
 shape. 
 
 " For the Lord's sake, do us the favour, Nikolay Dmit- 
 trich, to see whether you can't put in the master's strong 
 box," said papa's valet, breathlessly, as he stuck his head 
 out of the carriage ; " it is a small affair." 
 
 " You ought to have said so before, Mikh^y Ivanych," 
 answered NikoMy hastily and in anger, throwing with 
 all his might a bundle into the bottom of the calash. 
 " Upon my word, my head is in a whirl as it is, and 
 there you are bothering me with your strong boxes," he 
 added, raising his cap, and wiping off large drops of per- 
 spiration from his sim-browned face. 
 
 The manorial peasants, in coats, caftans, and shirts, 
 and without hats, the women in ticking skirts and striped 
 kerchiefs, with babes in their arms, and the boys barefoot, 
 stood around the veranda, examined the vehicles, and 
 conversed with each other. One of the drivers, a stoop- 
 ing old man in a winter cap and a camel-hair coat, held 
 
 54
 
 THE SEPARATION 55 
 
 in his hand the shaft of the carriage, moved it to and fro, 
 and thoughtfully looked at the wheels; another, a fine- 
 looking young lad, clad only in a white shirt with red 
 Bukhara cotton gussets, and wearing a black lambskin 
 cap shaped like a cylindrical buckwheat cake, which he, 
 scratching his blond locks, poised now on one ear, now 
 on the other, put his camel-hair coat on the coachman's 
 box, threw the reins there also and, snapping his plaited 
 whip, looked now at his boots, now at the coachmen who 
 were greasing the calash. One of them, straining him- 
 self, was holding a jack ; another, bending over the wheel, 
 was carefully greasing the axle and the axle-box, and, 
 not to lose the last bit of grease left on the brush, smeared 
 it on the lower part of the rim. 
 
 Variously coloured, weak-kneed post-horses stood at the 
 picket fence and switched the flies off with their tails. 
 Some of them, spreading their shaggy, swollen legs, 
 blinked their eyes and were dozing; others rubbed each 
 other, from ennui, or nibbled at leaves or stalks of rough, 
 dark-green ferns that grew near the veranda. A few 
 greyhounds either breathed heavily, lying in the sun, or 
 walked about in the shade under the carriage and calash, 
 and licked the grease which oozed out of the axles. There 
 was a dusty mist in the air, and the horizon was of gray- 
 ish olive hue ; but there was not a cloud to be seen in the 
 whole sky. A strong westerly wind raised columns of dust 
 from the roads and fields, bent the tops of the tall linden- 
 trees and birches of the garden, and carried far away 
 the falhng yellow leaves. I was sitting near the window, 
 and impatiently was waiting for the end of all the prepa- 
 rations. 
 
 When all had gathered in the sitting-room near the 
 round table, in order to pass a few minutes together, for 
 the last time, it did not occur to me what a sad moment 
 awaited us. The most trifling thoughts were crossing my 
 brain. I asked myself : which coachman will ride in the
 
 66 CHILDHOOD 
 
 calash, and which one in the carriage ? Who •will travel 
 with papa, and who with Karl Ivdnovich ? and why do 
 they insist in wrapping me in a shawl and a wadded 
 jacket ? 
 
 " I am not as tender as that. Don't be afraid, I shall 
 not freeze. If only there will soon be an end to it all ! 
 If we just could get seated, and be off ! " 
 
 " To whom will you order me to give a note about the 
 children's linen ? " said Natdlya Sdvishna, who had entered 
 with tearful eyes and carrying a note in her hand, as she 
 turned to mamma. 
 
 " Give it to Nikolay, and then come to tell the children 
 good-bye ! " 
 
 The old woman wanted to say something, but suddenly 
 stopped, covered her face with her handkerchief, and, 
 motioning with her hand, left the room. My heart was 
 pinched when I saw her motion ; but my impatience to 
 travel was greater than my sympathy, and I continued 
 to listen with complete indifference to the conversation 
 between father and mother. They were evidently speak- 
 ing about things that interested neither the one nor the 
 other : what it was necessary to buy for the house ; what 
 to say to Princess Sophie and Madame Julie ; and whether 
 the road would be good. 
 
 Fdka entered, and in the same voice in which he 
 announced "Dinner is served," he said, as he stopped 
 on the threshold, " The horses are ready." I noticed how 
 mamma shuddered and grew pale at this bit of news, as 
 if it had been something unforeseen by her. 
 
 Fdka was ordered to close all the doors in the house. 
 That amused me very much, " as if everybody were hiding 
 from somebody." 
 
 When all seated themselves, — Fdka, too, sat down on 
 the edge of a chair, — but the moment he did that, the 
 door creaked, and everybody looked round. Natdlya 
 rapidly entered the room, and, without raising her eyes,
 
 THE SEPARATION 57 
 
 seated herself at the door on the same chair with F6ka. 
 I see clearly the bald, wrinkled face of F6ka and the 
 bent, kindly figure in the cap, underneath which gray 
 hair peeped out. They are both pressing together on one 
 chair, and they both feel uncomfortable. 
 
 I continued to be careless and impatient. The ten 
 seconds during which we sat with closed doors appeared 
 to me a whole hour. Finally all arose, made the sign of 
 the cross, and began to take leave. Papa embraced 
 mamma, and kissed her several times. 
 
 " That will do, my dear ! " said papa ; " we are not 
 departing for an age." 
 
 " It is sad, nevertheless ! " said mamma, in a voice 
 trembling with tears. 
 
 When I heard that voice and saw her quivering lips 
 and eyes full of tears, I forgot everything, and I felt so 
 sad, so pained, and so utterly wretched, that I wanted 
 rather to run away than to bid her farewell. I under- 
 stood at that moment that when she embraced father, 
 she really was bidding us farewell. 
 
 She began so many times to kiss Volddya and to make 
 the sign of the cross over him that, supposing she was 
 going to turn to me, I pushed myself forward, but she 
 again and again blessed him and pressed him to her 
 breast. At last, I embraced her and, clinging to her, wept 
 and wept, thinking of nothing but my sorrow. 
 
 When we went out to seat ourselves in the vehicles, 
 the annoying manorial servants followed to bid us good- 
 bye. Their " Please, your hand, sir," their smacking kisses 
 on the shoulder, and the odour of lard from their heads 
 provoked in me a feeling very much akin to disgust. 
 Under the influence of that feehng I very coldly kissed 
 Natalya Savishna's cap, while she, all in tears, bade me 
 farewell. 
 
 It is strange, but I see all the faces of the servants as 
 if it had happened to-day, and I could paint them with
 
 68 CHILDHOOD 
 
 their minutest details, but mamma's face and location 
 have absolutely escaped from my imagination, — perhaps, 
 because at that time I could not gather courage to take 
 one good look at her. It then seemed to me that if I 
 were to do so, my grief and hers would reach impossible 
 limits. 
 
 I rushed before the others to the carriage and seated 
 myself in the back seat. As the top was raised, I could 
 not see anything, but a certain instinct told me that 
 mamma was still there. 
 
 " Shall I take one more glance at her, or not ? Well, 
 for the last time ! " said I to myself, and put my head out 
 of the carriage toward the veranda. Just at that time, 
 mamma, with the same thought, had come up from the 
 opposite side to the carriage, and was calling me by name. 
 When I heard her voice behind me, I turned toward her, 
 but did it so rapidly that we knocked our heads together : 
 she smiled sadly, and for the last time gave me a tight 
 embrace and a kiss. 
 
 When we had moved away a few fathoms, I decided 
 to look at her. The wind had raised the blue kerchief 
 with which her head was tied ; dropping her head and 
 covering her face with her hands, she slowly walked up 
 the veranda. F6ka was sustaining her. 
 
 Papa was seated by my side, but he did not say any- 
 thing. I choked with tears, and something so compressed 
 my throat that I was afraid I would strangle. When we 
 drove out on the highway, we saw a white handkerchief 
 which some one on the balcony was waving. I began to 
 wave mine, and this motion calmed me a Httle. I con- 
 tinued to sob, and the thought that my tears were a proof 
 of my sensitiveness gave me pleasure and joy. 
 
 When we had travelled about a verst, I sat down more 
 calmly, and I began to look with stubborn attention at 
 the nearest object before my eyes, — the hind part of the 
 side horse that ran on my side. I watched that dappled
 
 THE SEPARATION 59 
 
 horse flapping his tail, and striking one leg against another, 
 which made the driver crack his plaited whip at him, and 
 then his legs began to move more evenly. I saw the 
 harness leaping about, and the rings upon it, and I kept 
 on looking at the harness until it became lathered at the 
 tail. I began to look around me : at the waving fields of 
 ripe rye ; at the dark fallow field on which here and there 
 a plow, a peasant, and a mare with her colt could be seen ; 
 at the verst posts, and even at the coachman's box, in or- 
 der to see who the driver was. My face was not yet dry 
 from its tears, when my thoughts were far away from my 
 mother, whom I had left, perhaps, for ever. But every 
 reminiscence led my thoughts to her. I recalled the 
 mushroom which I had found the day before in the avenue 
 of birches ; I recalled how Lyubochka and Katenka dis- 
 puted who was t© pluck it, and I recalled how they wept 
 when they bade us farewell. 
 
 " I am sorry to leave them, and I am sorry for Natdlya 
 Savishna, and for the birch avenue, and for Foka ! I am 
 sorry to leave even growling Mimi. I am sorry for 
 everything, for everything ! And poor mamma ! " And 
 tears again stood in my eyes, but not for long.
 
 XV. 
 
 CHILDHOOD 
 
 Happy, happy, irretrievable period of childhood ! How 
 can one help loving and cherishing its memories ? These 
 memories refresh and elevate my soul and serve me as a 
 source of my best enjoyments. 
 
 I remember how, having frisked about imtil tired, I sat at 
 the tea table in my high chair. It was iate. I had long 
 ago drunk my cup of milk and sugar; sleep closed my 
 eyes, but I did not budge from the place, and remained 
 there and listened. How could I help hstening ? Mamma 
 was speaking to somebody, and the sounds of her voice 
 were so sweet and so charming. Those sounds alone 
 spoke so eloquently to my heart ! With eyes dimmed by 
 sleepiness I looked fixedly at her face, and suddenly she 
 grew so small, so very small, — her face was not larger 
 than a button, but I saw it just as plainly. I saw her 
 looking at me and smihng. I liked to see her so tiny. I 
 bUnked my eyes even more, and she became not larger 
 than those httle men one sees in the pupil of the eye, I 
 moved, and the whole charm was broken. I squinted, 
 turned around, and in every manner possible tried to re- 
 new it, — it was all in vain. 
 
 I rose, scampered away, and comfortably lodged myself 
 in an armchair. 
 
 " You will fall asleep again, Nik61enka ! " said mamma : 
 " you had better go up-stairs." 
 
 " I do not want to sleep, mamma," I answered her, and 
 
 60
 
 CHILDHOOD 61 
 
 indistinct, though sweet, dreams filled my imagination. A 
 healthy childish sleep closed my eyelids, and a few min- 
 utes later I lost consciousness and slept until I was awak- 
 ened. In my waking moments I felt somebody's hand 
 touching me : by the touch alone I could tell her, even 
 in my sleep, and I involuntarily caught that hand and 
 pressed it hard, very hard to my lips. 
 
 Everybody had left; one candle was burning in the 
 sitting-room ; mamma had said that she would wake me 
 herself. It was she who seated herself on the chair upon 
 which I was asleep, and with her lovely, tender hand 
 patted my hair. Over my ear was heard the familiar 
 voice : 
 
 " Get up, my darling, it is time to go to bed." 
 
 No indifferent looks embarrassed her : she was not 
 afraid to pour out all her tenderness and love on me. I 
 did not stir, but kissed her hand even harder. 
 
 " Do get up, my angel ! " 
 
 She touched my neck with her other hand, and her 
 soft fingers moved about and tickled me. It was quiet 
 and half-dark in the room ; my nerves were aroused by 
 the tickling and by the waking. Mamma was sitting 
 close to me ; she touched me ; I scented her odour, and 
 heard her voice. All that caused me to leap up, to em- 
 brace her neck with both my hands, to press my head to 
 her breast, and, breathing heavily, to say : 
 
 " Oh, my dear, dear mother, how I love you ! " 
 
 She smiled a sad, bewitching smile, took my head into 
 both her hands, kissed my brow, and placed me upon her 
 knees. 
 
 " So you love me very much ? " She was silent for a 
 moment, then she said : " Kemember, you must always 
 love me ; you must never forget me ! You will not for- 
 get your mamma when she is no more ? You will not, 
 Nikolenka ? " 
 
 She kissed me more tenderly yet.
 
 62 CHILDHOOD 
 
 " Stop, don't say that, my darling, my sweetheart ! " I 
 called out, kissing her knees, and tears ran in streams 
 from my eyes, — tears of love and ecstasy. 
 
 When, after such a scene, I came up-stairs and stood 
 in my wadded cloak before the holy images, what a won- 
 derful feeling I experienced at the words, " Preserve, O 
 Lord, father and mother ! " When, in such moments, I 
 repeated the prayers which my childish hps for the first 
 time lisped after my beloved mother, my love for her and 
 my love for God were strangely mingled in one feeling. 
 
 After the prayer I rolled myself into my coverlet, and 
 my heart felt light and cheerful. One dream chased 
 another, — but what were they about ? They were in- 
 tangible, but filled with pure love and hope for bright 
 happiness. I thought of Karl Ivdnovich and his bitter 
 fate, — of the only man whom I knew to be unhappy, and 
 I felt so sorry for him, and so loved him, that the tears 
 gushed from my eyes, and I thought : God grant him hap- 
 piness, and me an opportunity of helping him, and allevi- 
 ating his sorrow ; I was ready to sacrifice everything for 
 him. Then I stuck my favourite china toy, — a hare or 
 a dog, — into the corner of the down pillow, and I was 
 happy seeing how comfortable and snug the toy was 
 there. I also prayed the Lord that He would give happi- 
 ness to everybody, and that all should be satisfied, and 
 that to-morrow should be good weather for the outing, 
 and then I turned on my other side, my thoughts and 
 dreams became mixed and disturbed, and I fell softly, 
 quietly asleep, my face wet with tears. 
 
 Will that freshness, carelessness, need of love, and 
 strength of faith, which one possesses in childhood, ever 
 return ? What time can be better than that when all the 
 best virtues, — innocent merriment and limitless need of 
 love, — are the only incitements in Hfe ? 
 
 Where are all those ardent prayers, where is the best 
 gift — those tears of contrition ? The consoling angel
 
 CHILDHOOD 63 
 
 came on his pinions, with a smile wiped off those tears, 
 and fanned sweet dreams to the uncorrupted imagination 
 of the child. 
 
 Is it possible life has left such heavy traces in my 
 heart that these tears and that ecstasy have for ever gone 
 from me ? Is it possible, nothing but memories are left ?
 
 XVI. 
 
 POETRY 
 
 Almost a month after we had settled in Moscow, 
 I was sitting at a large table up-stairs, in grandmother's 
 house, and writing. Our teacher of drawing sat opposite 
 me, and gave a final touch to the head of a turbaned 
 Turk, drawn with a black crayon. Vol6dya, standing be- 
 hind the teacher, craned his neck and looked over his 
 shoulder. This head was Volddya's first production in 
 black crayon, and it was that very day to be presented to 
 grandmother, it being her name day. 
 
 " And won't you throw some shadows here ? " said 
 Vol6dya to the teacher, rising on tiptoes, and pointing to 
 the Turk's neck. 
 
 " No, it is not necessary," said the teacher, putting away 
 the crayons and the drawing-pen in a box with a sliding 
 hd. " It is all right this way, and don't touch it again. 
 Well, and you, Nikdlenka," he added, rising, and still 
 looking sidewise at the Turk, " tell us, at last, your secret ; 
 what are you going to offer to grandmother ? Really, it 
 would be well if you, too, gave her a head. Good-bye, 
 young gentlemen ! " He took his hat and a ticket, and 
 went out. 
 
 That moment I thought myself that a head would be bet- 
 ter than what I was working on. When we were told that 
 grandmother's name day would come soon, and that we 
 ought to prepare some presents for that day, it occurred tome 
 to write verses for the occasion, and I immediately picked 
 
 64
 
 % 
 
 //OD2oM ,3-\sup'i lulituBsa t)flT
 
 X\T 
 
 TOtVRl 
 
 \'MOb. M'X'ICOW, 
 
 - aittintr • her's 
 
 tbe h«wki yt a tur^iaue..! 
 
 f tirst producition in 
 Hv t', '« jHresented to 
 
 "t- ? " said 
 
 ■lotir.i: to 
 
 f'.eally, it 
 
 '!>')d-bye, 
 
 * liokfct, and 
 
 : Id be bet 
 V, ■ ,v;re told that 
 siKjn, and that ■*'♦» 
 y.itoccurret 
 
 The Beautiful Square, Moscow 
 
 rhotogravure Jrom Engriiviti^ by Lavr&i'
 
 
 W-
 
 POETRY 65 
 
 out two lines with a rhyme, and hoped shortly to find 
 the rest. I absolutely cannot remember how such a 
 strange idea, for a child, could have got into my head, 
 but 1 recall that it gave me pleasure, and that to all ques- 
 tions about the matter, I answered that I should not fail 
 to offer grandmother a present, but that I should not tell 
 anybody what it was. 
 
 Contrary to my expectation, it soon appeared that, in 
 spite of all my efforts, I was not able to find any other 
 verses except the two lines which I had made up on the 
 spur of the moment. I began to read the poems that 
 were in our readers, but neither Dmitriev, nor Derzhavin 
 helped me at all ! On the contrary, they only convinced 
 me of my incapacity. As I knew that Karl Ivanovich 
 was fond of copying poems, I began quietly to rum- 
 mage through his papers, and among his German poems 
 found one Russian lyric, which, no doubt, belonged to his 
 own pen. 
 
 To Madam L. . . Petrovski, 1828, 3 juni. 
 Remember me near, 
 Remember me far, 
 Remember my 
 Even from now up to ever, 
 Remember me to my grave, 
 How faithful I can love. 
 
 — Karl Mauer. 
 
 This poem, written in a beautiful, round hand, on thin 
 letter-paper, took my fancy on account of the stirring 
 feehng which pervaded it. I immediately learned it by 
 rote, and decided to take it for my model. Things now 
 went much easier. On the name day my greeting, con- 
 sisting of twelve lines, was ready, and, seating myself at 
 the table in the class-room, I copied it on vellum paper. 
 
 Two sheets of paper were already spoiled, — not that I 
 wished to change something, the verses seemed perfect to
 
 66 CHILDHOOD 
 
 me, but beginning with the third line, the ends of the 
 verses began to turn upwards more and more, so that one 
 could see, even from a distance, that they were written 
 crooked, and that they were not good for anything. 
 
 The third sheet was just as crooked as the other two, 
 but I decided not to copy it again. In my poem I con- 
 gratulated grandmother, and wished her to live long, and 
 finished as follows : 
 
 We will try never to bother, 
 
 And will love you like our own mother. 
 
 It did not look so bad, after all, only the last verse 
 strangely offended my ear. 
 
 " And will love you like our own mother," mumbled I. 
 " What other rhyme could I get for mother ? other ? 
 smother ? Oh, well, it will pass anyway ; it is not worse 
 than the verses of Karl Ivanovich." 
 
 I wrote down the last verse. Then I read aloud my 
 production, with feeling and expression, in the sleeping- 
 room. There were lines without any measure, and that 
 did not disconcert me ; but the last verse struck me more 
 unpleasantly still. I sat down on my bed, and fell to 
 musing. 
 
 " "Why did I write like our own mother ? She was 
 not here, so I ought not even to have mentioned her. It 
 is true, I love grandmother, and I respect her, but still, 
 it is not the same — why did I write that, why did I 
 lie ? To be sure this was a poem, still I ought not to 
 have done so." 
 
 Just then the tailor entered, and brought the new half- 
 frock coats. 
 
 " "Well, it will have to remain that way ! " said I, in 
 great impatience, as I angrily shoved the poem under the 
 pillow, and ran away to try on the Moscow clothes. 
 
 The Moscow clothes turned out to be a fine affair : the
 
 POETRY 67 
 
 cinnamon-coloured half-frocks, with their brass buttons, 
 were closely fitting, — not as they used to make them in 
 the country for us, by sizes ; the black trousers, tightly 
 fitting, too, wonderfully showed the muscles, and hung 
 over the boots. 
 
 "At last I myself have pantaloons with foot straps, 
 and real ones ! " I thought and, beside myself with 
 pleasure, examined my legs on all sides. Although the 
 trousers were dreadfully tight, and I felt uncomfortable 
 in my new suit, I did not mention it to anybody, but, on 
 the contrary, said that I felt quite at ease, and, if there 
 was any fault in the suit, it was, that it was too loose. 
 After that I stood for a long time before the looking- 
 glass, combing my copiously waxed hair. No matter 
 how much I tried, I could not smooth down the tufts on 
 my crown : the moment I wanted to experiment on their 
 docility, and stopped pressing them down with the brush, 
 they rose and towered in all directions, giving my face an 
 exceedingly funny expression. 
 
 Karl Ivanovich was dressing in the next room, and 
 they carried through the class-room a blue dress coat to 
 him, and with it some white appurtenances. At the door 
 that led down-stairs was heard the voice of one of grand- 
 mother's chambermaids : I went out to discover what she 
 wanted. She was holding in her hand a stiffly ironed 
 shirt-front, and told me that she had brought it for Karl 
 Ivanovich, and that she had not slept that night, in order 
 to get it washed in time. I undertook to hand him the 
 shirt-front, and asked whether grandmother had risen. 
 
 " Indeed, sir ! She has already had her coffee, and the 
 protopope has come. How fine you look ! " she added, 
 smiling, and surveying my new garments. 
 
 This remark made me blush. I turned around on one 
 foot, clicked my fingers, and leaped up, to let her feel 
 that she did not know yet what a fine fellow I really 
 was.
 
 68 CHILDHOOD 
 
 When I brought the shirt-front to Karl Ivdnovich, he 
 did not need it any longer : he had put on another, and, 
 bending over a small looking-glass, which stood on a 
 table, was holding the superb tie of his cravat in his 
 hands, and trying whether his smoothly shaven chin 
 would freely go into it and come out again. Having 
 pulled our garments into shape, and having asked Nikoldy 
 to do the same for him, he took us to grandmother. I 
 have to laugh when I think how strongly all three of us 
 smelled of pomatum, as we descended the staircase. 
 
 Karl Ivanovich had in his hands a small box of his 
 own make ; Volodya had the drawing, and I the poem. 
 We all had on our tongue a greeting with which we were 
 to offer our presents. Just as Karl Ivdnovich opened the 
 door of the parlour, the clergyman was putting on his 
 vestments, and the first sounds of the mass were heard. 
 
 Grandmother was in the parlour already : bending and 
 leaning over the arm of a chair, she was standing at the 
 wall and praying fervently. Papa stood near her. She 
 turned around to us and smiled, when she noticed that 
 we were hiding behind our backs the presents which we 
 were to offer, and that we had stopped at the door, in our 
 desire not to observed. All the effect of surprise, on 
 which we had been counting, was lost. 
 
 When the blessing with the cross began, I suddenly 
 felt that I was under the oppressive influence of an incon- 
 querable, stupefying timidity, and, feeling that I should 
 never have enough courage to make my offering to her, 
 I hid behind Karl Ivanovich's back. He congratulated 
 grandmother in the choicest of expressions, and, trans- 
 ferring the box from his right hand to his left, handed it 
 to her, and walked off a few steps, in order to give Volddya 
 a chance. Grandmother, so it seemed, was delighted with 
 the box, which was bordered with gold paper, and ex- 
 pressed her thanks to him with a most gracious smile. 
 It was, however, evident that she did not know where to
 
 POETRY 69 
 
 place the box, and, probably for that reason, asked papa 
 to see with what remarkable skill it was made. 
 
 Having satisfied his curiosity, papa handed it to the 
 protopope who, it seemed, took a liking to the thing : he 
 shook his head, and now looked at the box, and now at 
 the master who had managed to produce such a beautiful 
 object. Volddya offered his Turk, and he also was the 
 recipient of the most flattering praise on all sides. Then 
 came my turn : grandmother turned to me with a smile 
 of encouragement. 
 
 Those who have experienced bashfulness, know that 
 the feehng increases in direct proportion with time, and 
 that decision diminishes in the same proportion ; that is, 
 the longer that condition lasts, the harder it is to over- 
 come the bashfulness, and the less there is left of decision. 
 
 My last courage and decision left me when Karl Ivano- 
 vich and Volddya made their offerings, and my bashful- 
 ness reached its extreme limits : I felt my heart-blood 
 continually coursing to my head, my face alternately 
 changing colour, and large drops of perspiration oozing on 
 my forehead and nose. My ears were burning ; I felt a 
 chill and a perspiration over my whole body ; I stood now 
 on one foot, now on another, and I did not budge from 
 the spot. 
 
 " Well, do show us, Nikolenka ! What is it you have, 
 a box or a drawing ? " said papa to me. There was noth- 
 ing to be done ; with a trembling hand I gave her the 
 crushed, fatal roll ; but my voice refused to serve me, and 
 I stopped silent before grandmother. I was beside myself, 
 thinking that, instead of the expected drawing, they would 
 read aloud my worthless poem and the words like my 
 oivn mother which would be a clear proof that I had 
 never loved her, and that I had forgotten her. How am 
 I to tell the agony through which I passed, when grand- 
 mother began to read aloud my poem ; when, unable to 
 make it out, she stopped in the middle of the verse, in
 
 70 CHILDHOOD 
 
 order to look at papa with a smile, which then seemed to 
 me to be one of mockery ; when she pronounced it differ- 
 ently from what I had intended it ; and when, her eyes 
 being weak, she did not finish reading it, but handed it 
 to papa and asked him to read it from the beginning ? It 
 seemed to me that she did so because she was tired of 
 reading such horrible and badly scrawled verses, and be- 
 cause she wanted papa to read the last line, which was 
 such an evident proof of my heartlessness. I was waiting 
 for him to snap my nose with the poem, and to say : 
 " Naughty boy ! Do not forget your mother ! Take this 
 for it ! " But nothing of the kind happened ; on the con- 
 trary, after it had been read, grandmother said : " Char- 
 mant ! " and kissed my brow. 
 
 The box, the drawing, and the poem were put, by the 
 side of two batiste handkerchiefs and a snuff-box with 
 mamma's portrait, on a sort of extension table connected 
 with the armchair in which grandmother always sat. 
 
 " Princess Varvara Ilinichna," announced one of the 
 two huge lackeys who stood in the back of grandmother's 
 carriage. 
 
 Grandmother was deep in thought over the portrait, 
 which was fastened to the shell snuff-box, and did not 
 answer. 
 
 " Does your Grace command to ask her in ? " repeated 
 the lackey.
 
 XVII. 
 
 PRINCESS KORNAKOV 
 
 " Ask her in," said grandmother, seating herself deeper 
 in the chair. 
 
 The princess was a woman about forty-five years of 
 age, small of stature, sickly, lean, and bilious, with grayish 
 green, disagreeable little eyes, the expression of which 
 clearly contradicted the unnaturally sweet curves of her 
 mouth. Underneath a velvet hat with an ostrich feather 
 could be seen her bright red hair ; her eyebrows and eye- 
 lashes appeared even brighter and redder on the sickly 
 colour of her face. In spite of all this, she gave a gen- 
 eral impression of generosity and energy, thanks to her 
 unaffected movements, her tiny hands, and the peculiar 
 leanness of all her features. 
 
 The princess talked a great deal, and by reason of her 
 talkativeness belonged to that class of people who are 
 always speaking as though some one were contradicting 
 them, although not a word is said. She now raised her 
 voice, now gradually lowered it in order to burst forth 
 with new vivacity, and glanced at her silent listeners, as 
 if trying to strengthen herself by that glance. 
 
 Though the princess had kissed grandmother's hand, 
 and continually called her ma bonne tante, I noticed that 
 grandmother was not satisfied with her; she raised her 
 brows in a peculiar manner, as she listened to the reason 
 why Prince Mikhaylo was absolutely unable to come to 
 congratulate grandmother, though he wished very much 
 
 71
 
 72 CHILDHOOD 
 
 to do so, and, answering in Russian to the French speech 
 of the princess, she said, dwelling with emphasis on her 
 words : 
 
 " I thank you very much, my dear, for your attention, 
 but as to Prince Mikhaylo not being able to come, what 
 is the use mentioning it ? He has always a great deal to 
 do. And what pleasure could it be for him to sit down 
 with an old woman ? " 
 
 And, not giving the princess a chance to contradict 
 her words, she continued : 
 
 " Tell me, how are your children, my dear ? " 
 
 " The Lord be praised, ma tante, they are growing, 
 studying, and having a good time — especially Etienne, 
 the eldest, is getting to be so mischievous that there is 
 no getting on with him ; but he is bright, un gargon 
 qui promet. Just imagine, mon cousin," she continued, 
 turning exclusively to papa, because grandmother, who 
 was not in the least interested in the children of the 
 princess, but wanted to praise her own grandchildren, 
 carefully took my poem from under the box, and began 
 to unfold the paper : " Just imagine, mon cousin, what 
 he did a few days ago — " 
 
 The princess leaned over to papa, and began to tell 
 him something with great animation. Having finished 
 her story, which I did not hear, she burst out laughing 
 and, looking interrogatively at papa, said : 
 
 " What do you think of that boy, mon cousin ? He 
 deserved a whipping ; but that trick of his was so bright 
 and amusing, that I forgave him, mon cousin." 
 
 And the princess fixed her eyes upon grandmother, 
 and continued to smile, without saying anything. 
 
 " Do you heat your children, my dear ? " asked grand- 
 mother, significantly raising her eyebrows, and emphasi- 
 zing the word beat. 
 
 " Oh, ma bonne tante" answered the princess in a kind 
 voice, casting a rapid glance upon papa, " I know your
 
 PRINCESS KORNAKOV 73 
 
 opinion in regard to this matter, but permit me to dis- 
 agree with you in this only : however much I have 
 thought, or read, or consulted about the question, my ex- 
 perience has brought me to the conviction that it is nec- 
 essary to act upon children through fear. To make 
 anything of a child, you need fear — am I not right, mon 
 cousin ? And what is it, je vous demande un peu, chil- 
 dren fear more than the rod ? " 
 
 Saying this, she looked interrogatively at us, and, I 
 must confess, I felt very ill at ease during that moment. 
 
 " Say what you may, a boy up to twelve and even 
 fourteen years of age is a child. With girls it is a differ- 
 ent matter." 
 
 " Yes, that is very nice, my dear," said grandmother, 
 folding my poem and replacing it under the box, as if 
 she did not regard the princess, after these words, worthy 
 of hearing such a production. " That is very nice, only, 
 please, tell me, what refined feelings can you after that 
 expect of your children ? " 
 
 And, regarding this argument as incontrovertible, grand- 
 mother added, in order to break off the conversation : 
 
 " However, everybody has his own opinion upon that 
 matter." 
 
 The princess did not answer, and only smiled conde- 
 scendingly, wishing thus to say that she forgave this 
 queer prejudice in a person whom she respected so much. 
 
 " Ah, introduce me to your young people," said she, 
 looking at us and smiling politely. 
 
 We rose, and, fixing our eyes upon the face of the 
 princess, did not know in the least what to do in order 
 to prove that we had become acquainted. 
 
 " Kiss the hand of the princess," said papa. 
 
 " I ask you to love your old aunt," said she, kissing 
 Volodya's hair. " Though I am but distantly related to 
 you, I count not by degrees of relationship, but by ties of 
 friendship," she added, speaking more especially to grand-
 
 74 CHILDHOOD 
 
 mother, but grandmother was still dissatisfied with her, 
 and said : 
 
 "Ah, my dear, do we nowadays count such relation- 
 ship ? " 
 
 " This one will be a worldly young man," said papa, 
 pointing to Volodya, "and this one a poet," he added, 
 while I was kissing the small dry hand of the princess, 
 and with extraordinary distinctness imagined a switch in 
 that hand, and under the switch a bench, and so forth. 
 
 " Which one ? " asked the princess, keeping hold of my 
 hand. 
 
 "This one, the little fellow with the locks," answered 
 papa, smiling merrily. 
 
 " What have my locks done to him ? Has he nothing 
 else to talk about ? " thought I, and went into the corner. 
 
 I had the oddest conceptions of beauty, — I even 
 regarded Karl Ivanovich as the first beau in the world ; 
 but I knew full well that I was not good-looking, and in 
 this opinion was not mistaken. Therefore, every reference 
 to my looks was offensive to me. 
 
 I remember very well how once at dinner, — I was then 
 six years old, — they were speaking of my exterior, and 
 mamma was trying to find something comely in my face. 
 She said that I had bright eyes and a pleasant smile, and, 
 finally, yielding to father's proofs and to evidence, was 
 compelled to admit that I was homely. . Later, when I 
 thanked her for the dinner, she patted my cheek, and 
 said : 
 
 " Know this much, Nik61enka, no one will love you for 
 your face, so you must try and be a good and clever boy." 
 
 These words not only convinced me that I was not 
 handsome, but also that I must try by all means to be a 
 good and clever boy. 
 
 In spite of this, moments of despair frequently came 
 over me. I imagined that there was no happiness in the 
 world for a man with such a broad nose, fat lips, and
 
 PRINCESS KORNAKOV 75 
 
 small gray eyes, as mine were. I asked God to do a 
 miracle, and to change me into a handsome boy, and 
 everything I then had, and everything I should ever have 
 in the future, I would gladly have given for a pretty face.
 
 XVIIT. 
 
 PRINCE IvXn IVANOVICH 
 
 When the princess had listened to the poem and had 
 showered praises on the author, grandmother softened, 
 began to speak in French with her, stopped calling her 
 " you, my dear," and invited her to visit us in the evening 
 with all her children. The princess promised she would, 
 and, after staying awhile, departed. 
 
 There came so many guests that day to congratulate 
 grandmother that in the courtyard, near the entrance, 
 there were always several carriages standing, the whole 
 morning. 
 
 " Bonjour, chere cousine" said one of the guests as he 
 entered the room and kissed grandmother's hand. 
 
 He was a man of some seventy years of age, of tall 
 stature, in a military uniform, with large epaulets, below 
 the collar of which could be seen a large white cross, and 
 with a calm, open countenance. I was struck by the 
 freedom and simplicity of his movements. Although 
 there was left but a small circle of scanty hair on the 
 back of his head, and although the position of the upper 
 lip gave clear evidence of the absence of teeth, his face 
 was still one of remarkable beauty. 
 
 Prince Iv^n Ivanovich had, while still very young, 
 made a brilliant career at the end of the last century, 
 thanks to his noble character, fine looks, remarkable 
 bravery, distinguished and powerful connections, and,
 
 PRINCE IVAN IVANOVICn 77 
 
 especially, luck. He remained in the service, and his 
 ambition was soon so well satisfied, that there was 
 nothing more for him to wish in that respect. He had 
 carried himself from his very youth as if he had been 
 preparing himself to occupy that illustrious place in the 
 world where fate had later put him. Therefore, although 
 in his brilhant and somewhat vain life, as in all other 
 lives, there were annoyances, disappointments and failures, 
 he not even once was false to his ever calm character, nor 
 to his high ideals, nor to the fundamental tenets of relig- 
 ion and morality, and he earned universal respect not 
 only on the basis of his high position, but on the basis 
 also of his consistency and fortitude. 
 
 He was a man of mediocre mind, but, thanks to his 
 position, which permitted him to look with disdain at all 
 the vain tribulations of life, his ideals were of an elevated 
 character. He was good and sympathetic, but somewhat 
 cold and haughty in manner. That came from his being 
 placed in a position where he could be useful to many, so 
 that by his coldness he endeavoured to guard himself 
 against the unrelenting prayers and requests of people 
 who wished to make use of his influence. His coldness, 
 however, was softened by the condescending civility of a 
 man of the great world. He was well educated and well 
 read ; but his education stopped at what he had acquired 
 in youth, that is, at the end of the last century. He had 
 read everything worth w^hile that had been written in 
 France during the eighteenth century in the field of phi- 
 losophy and eloquence, knew thoroughly all the best pro- 
 ductions of French literature, so that he could and did 
 with pleasure quote passages from Racine, Corneille, 
 Boileau, Molifere, Montaigne, Fenelon ; he was brilliantly 
 versed in mythology, and with benefit had studied, in 
 French translations, the ancient monuments of epic 
 poetry ; he had a fair knowledge of history, which he 
 drew from S^gur ; but he did not have the least concep-
 
 78 CHILDHOOD 
 
 tion of mathematics, beyond arithmetic, nor of physics, 
 nor of contemporaneous literature ; he could in a conver- 
 sation poUtely suppress, or even express, a few common- 
 places about Goethe, Schiller, and Byron, but he never 
 had read them. 
 
 In spite of this French classical education, of which 
 there are but few examples left now, his conversation was 
 simple, and this simplicity at the same time hid his igno- 
 rance of certain things, and also gave evidence of his 
 agreeable manner and indulgence. He was a great enemy 
 of all originality, maintaining that originahty was a trick 
 of people in bad society. Society was a matter of neces- 
 sity to him, wherever he happened to be; whether in 
 Moscow, or abroad, he always hved in the same open 
 fashion, and upon certain days received the whole city at 
 his house. The prince was on such a footing in the city, 
 that an invitation from him could serve as a passport into 
 all the parlours, that many young and beautiful women 
 gladly offered him their rosy cheeks, which he kissed, as 
 it were, with the feehng of a father, and that apparently 
 distinguished and decent people expressed indescribable 
 joy when they were admitted to his receptions. 
 
 There were but few people left to the prince, hke grand- 
 mother, who were of the same circle, the same bringing 
 up, the same point of view, and the same age with him, so 
 he particularly valued his old friendship with her, and 
 always showed her great respect. 
 
 I did not get tired looking at the prince ; the respect 
 which everybody showed him, the large epaulets, the 
 particular joy which grandmother expressed upon seeing 
 him, and the fact that he alone, evidently, was not afraid 
 of her, conversed with her entirely at his ease, and even 
 had the courage to call her " ma cousine" inspired in me 
 a respect for him, equal to, if not greater than, that which 
 I felt for my father. When they showed him my poem, 
 he called me to him and said :
 
 PRINCE ivIn ivanovich 79 
 
 " Who knows, ma cousine, maybe he will be another 
 Derzhdvin." 
 
 Saying this, he gave me a painful pinch in my cheek. 
 If I did not cry out loud, it was only because I decided 
 to take it as a favour. 
 
 The guests departed, papa and Vol6dya went out; in 
 the drawing-room were left the prince, grandmother, 
 and I. 
 
 " Why did not our dear Natalya Nikoldevna come ? " 
 suddenly asked Prince Ivan Ivanovich, after a moment's 
 silence. 
 
 " Ah, moil cher ! " answered grandmother, lowering her 
 voice, and putting her hand on the sleeve of his uniform : 
 " She, no doubt, would have come, if she were at liberty 
 to do what she pleases. She writes me that Pierre had 
 proposed her going, but that she had herself declined 
 because, says she, they had had no income this year. She 
 writes, ' Besides, I have no reason to settle in Moscow 
 this year with my whole house. Lyubochka is too young 
 yet ; and as to the boys, who will be living with you, I am 
 more at ease than if they stayed with me.' That is all 
 very nice ! " continued grandmother, in a tone that clearly 
 showed she did not find it at aU very nice. " The boys 
 ought to have been sent here long ago, to learn some- 
 thiug, and to get used to the world, for what kind of an 
 education could they get in the country ? The eldest will 
 soon be thirteen years, and the other eleven. You have 
 noticed, mon cousin, they are here hke savages, — they 
 do not know how to enter a room." 
 
 " I can't, however, understand," answered the prince, 
 " what is the cause of their eternal complaint about 
 ruinous conditions ? He has some very good property, 
 and Natasha's Khabarovka, where you and I, in times 
 long gone, used to play theatre, I know like the five 
 fingers of my hand ; it is a magnificent estate, and ought 
 to bring a nice income."
 
 80 CHILDHOOD 
 
 " I will tell you as a true friend," grandmother inter- 
 rupted him, with a sad countenance, " it seems to me that 
 these are only excuses, so as to give him a chance to live 
 here alone, to frequent clubs and dinners, and to do God 
 knows what; but she does not suspect anything. You 
 know what an angehc soul she is ; she has complete con- 
 fidence in him. He had assured her that the children 
 ought to be taken to Moscow, and that she ought to stay 
 all alone, with the stupid governess, in the country, — and 
 she beheved him. If he were to tell her that the children 
 ought to be whipped, as Princess Varvara Ilinichna whips 
 them, she, I think, would at once consent," said grand- 
 mother, moving about in her chair, with an expression of 
 deep disgust. " Yes, my friend," continued grandmother, 
 after a moment's silence, and raising one of her two 
 handkerchiefs, to wipe off a tear which had made its 
 appearance, " I often think that he can neither value nor 
 understand her, and that in spite of all her goodness, 
 her love for him, and her desire to hide her grief, — I 
 know that well, — she cannot be happy with him. Re- 
 member what I say, he will — " 
 
 Grandmother covered her face with her handkerchief. 
 
 " Eh, ma honne amie," said the prince, chidingly, " I 
 see you have not become wiser in the least, — you eter- 
 nally worry and weep for an imaginary sorrow. Eeally, 
 are you not ashamed ? I have known him for a long 
 time, and I have known him as an attentive, good, and 
 excellent husband, and, above all, as a very noble man, un 
 parfait honnet homme." 
 
 Having involuntarily heard the conversation, which 
 I ought not to have heard, I slipped out of the room 
 on tiptoe, and in great agitation.
 
 XIX. 
 
 THE iVINS 
 
 "Vol6dya! Vol6dya! The Ivins!" I cried out when 
 I saw through the window three boys, in blue frogged 
 coats with beaver collars, who, following their young, 
 dandyish tutor, were crossing from the other side of the 
 street toward our house. 
 
 The Ivins were some relatives of ours, and almost of 
 the same age with us. Soon after our arrival in Moscow 
 we became acquainted and friendly. 
 
 The second Ivin, Ser^zha, was a swarthy, curly-headed 
 boy, with an upturned, firm nose, very fresh, red lips, 
 which rarely were entirely closed, a somewhat prominent 
 upper row of white teeth, beautiful, dark blue eyes, and 
 an unusually lively countenance. He never smiled, but 
 either looked quite serious, or laughed heartily with a 
 melodious, clear-cut, and exceedingly attractive laughter. 
 His original beauty struck me from the very start. I felt 
 unconquerably attracted by him. It was enough for my 
 happiness to see him, and all the powers of my soul were 
 concentrated upon this desire. When I passed three or 
 four days without seeing him, I grew lonely, and felt sad 
 enough to weep. All ray dreams, waking and sleeping, 
 were of him. When I lay down to sleep, I wished that 
 I might dream of him ; when I closed my eyes, I saw 
 him before me, and I treasured this vision as my greatest 
 pleasure. I did not dare entrust this feeling to any one 
 in the world, I valued it so. 
 
 81
 
 82 CniLDHOOD 
 
 Perhaps he was tired of feeling my restless eyes con- 
 tinually directed toward him, or he did not feel any 
 sympathy for me, but he visibly preferred to play and to 
 talk with Volodya, rather than with me. I was, never- 
 theless, satisfied, wished for nothing, demanded nothing, 
 and was ready to sacrifice everything for him. 
 
 In addition to the passionate attraction with which he 
 inspired me, his presence provoked in me, in no less 
 degree, another feeling, — a fear of offending him, or in 
 any way grieving him, and not pleasing him ; perhaps, 
 because his face bore a haughty expression, or because, 
 disdaining my own looks, I too much valued the advan- 
 tages of beauty in others, or, what is more likely, since it 
 is a decided sign of love, I was as much in fear of him 
 as I loved him. When Ser^zha spoke to me for the first 
 time, I so completely lost myself from such unexpected 
 happiness, that I grew pale, and blushed, and did not 
 know what to answer him. He had a bad habit, when 
 he was thinking of something, of resting his eyes on one 
 object, blinking all the time, and twitching his nose and 
 eyebrows. Everybody found that this habit spoiled his 
 face, but I thought it so charming that I came to do 
 the same, and a few days after my acquaintance with 
 him, grandmother asked me whether my eyes were not 
 hurting me, for I was jerking them like an owl. Not a 
 word was ever said between us in regard to our love, but 
 he felt his power over me, and tyrannically, though un- 
 consciously, made use of it in our childish relations. How- 
 ever much I wished to tell him what there was upon my 
 soul, I was too much afraid of him to attempt confidences, 
 and tried to appear indifferent, and without murmuring 
 submitted to him. At times his influence seemed hard and 
 intolerable to me, but it was not in my power to escape it. 
 
 It is sad to recall that refreshing, beautiful feeling of 
 unselfish and hmitless love, which died without ebullition 
 and without finding any response.
 
 THE iviNS b6 
 
 It is strange that, when I was a child, I always wanted 
 to be big, and now, since I have ceased being small, I 
 frequently wish I were. How often this desire, not to 
 be like a child, had, in my relations to Serezha, arrested 
 the feeling which was ready to pour forth, and caused me 
 to simulate. I not only did not dare to kiss him, which 
 1 frequently wanted to do, to take his hand, to say how 
 glad I was to see him, but did not even dare to call him 
 Ser(5zha, but only Sergy^y : such was the relation estab- 
 lished between us. Every expression of sentiment was a 
 proof of childishness, and he who permitted himself such, 
 a thing was still a hoy. Although we had not yet passed 
 those bitter experiences which lead grown people to be 
 cautious and cold in their relations with each other, we 
 deprived ourselves of the pure enjoyment of a tender, 
 childlike attachment, through the one strange desire to 
 imitate grown people. 
 
 I met the Ivins in the antechamber, greeted them, and 
 flew headlong to grandmother ; I announced to her that 
 the Ivins had come, with an expression as if this news 
 ought to make her completely happy. Then, without 
 taking my eyes off Serezha, I followed him into the draw- 
 ing-room and watched aU his movements. While grand- 
 mother said that he had grown much, and directed her 
 penetrating eyes upon him, I experienced that feehng of 
 terror and hope which the artist must experience when 
 he is waiting for the respected judge to pass a sentence 
 upon his production. 
 
 The young tutor of the Ivins, Herr Frost, went, with 
 grandmother's permission, down into the garden with us, 
 seated himself on a green bench, picturesquely crossed his 
 legs, placing between them his cane with a brass knob, 
 and, with the expression of a man who is satisfied with 
 his actions, lighted a cigar. 
 
 Herr Frost was a German, but of an entirely different 
 type from our good Karl Ivanovich. In the first place he
 
 84 CHILDHOOD 
 
 spoke Russian correctly, and French with a bad pronun- 
 ciation, and enjoyed, particularly among ladies, the repu- 
 tation of being a very learned gentleman ; in the second, 
 he wore red moustaches, a large ruby pin in a black satin 
 cravat, the ends of which were tucked under his sus- 
 penders, and Ught blue pantaloons with changing hues and 
 with foot-straps ; in the third, he was young, had a beau- 
 tiful, self-satisfied expression, and unusually well-de- 
 veloped, muscular legs. It was evident he very much 
 treasured this advantage ; he regarded the effect as irre- 
 sistible on persons of the feminine sex and, no doubt for 
 this reason, tried to place his legs in a most noticeable 
 position, and, whether he was standing or sitting, contin- 
 ually moved his thighs. It was the type of a young 
 Russian German, who wished to be a beau and a Love- 
 lace. 
 
 We had a merry time in the garden. The game of 
 robbers went on as nicely as possible ; but an incident 
 came very near putting a stop to it. Ser^zha was the 
 robber. In running after the travellers, he tripped, and in 
 full career struck his knee against a tree with such force 
 that I thought he would break to splinters. Although I 
 was the rural police, and my duty consisted in catching 
 him, I went up to him sympathetically, and asked him 
 whether he had hurt himself very painfully. Ser^zha was 
 furious, he clenched his fists, stamped his feet, and, in a 
 voice which showed conclusively that he had hurt himself 
 very much, cried out to me : 
 
 " What is that ? After this, there is no game ! Well, 
 why do you not catch me, why do you not catch me ? " he 
 repeated several times, looking away at Vol6dya and the 
 elder Ivin, who represented the travellers and leaped up 
 and down the path ; then he suddenly shouted and with 
 loud laughter rushed forward to catch them. 
 
 I can't tell how that heroic act struck and captivated 
 me. In spite of his terrible pain, he not only did not
 
 THE fVINS 85 
 
 weep, but he did not even show that he had been hurt, 
 and did not for a minute forget the game. 
 
 Soon after that, when Iliuka Grap joined our company 
 and we went up-stairs before dinner, Ser^zha had occasion 
 to captivate me even more and to impress me with his 
 remarkable manhness and fortitude of character. 
 
 Ilinka Grap was the son of a poor foreigner, who had 
 once lived at my grandfather's. He was in some way 
 under obligations to him, and for some reason regarded it 
 as his duty to send his son to us as often as possible. If 
 he thought that our acquaintance would afford his son 
 any honour or pleasure, he was in this respect completely 
 mistaken, because we not only were not friendly with 
 Ilinka, but turned our attention to him only when we 
 wanted to make fun of him. Ilinka was a boy of about 
 thirteen years of age, thin, tall, pale, with a birdlike face, 
 and a good-natured, submissive expression. He was 
 dressed very poorly, but was always so copiously covered 
 with pomatum that we used to assert that on a warm day 
 the pomatum melted on Grap's head and ran under his 
 blouse. When I think of him now, I find that he was a 
 very obliging, quiet, and good boy ; but then he appeared 
 to me such a contemptible being that it was not worth 
 while to pity him or even to think of him. 
 
 When the game of robbers stopped, we went up-stairs, 
 and began to show off and to brag before each other with 
 all kinds of gymnastic tricks. Ilinka looked at us with a 
 timid smile of wonderment, and when it was proposed 
 that he should do likewise, he declined, saying that he 
 did not have any strength. Ser^zha was wonderful ; he 
 took off his blouse ; his face and eyes were red, for 
 he continually laughed and tried new tricks : he jumped 
 over three chairs placed in a row, turned somersaults 
 through the whole length of the room, stood on his head 
 on Tatischev's dictionaries, which he had placed in the 
 middle of the room in the shape of a pedestal, and did
 
 86 CHILDHOOD 
 
 such funny tricks with his feet that it was impossible to 
 keep from laughing. After this last peformance, he 
 thought for a moment, winked, and suddenly went up to 
 IHnka with a very serious expression in his face : " Try 
 that ; really it is not hard." Noticing that the eyes of all 
 were directed upon him, Grap blushed and with a scarcely 
 audible voice assured us that he was in no way capable 
 of doing it. 
 
 " Now, really, why does he not want to do it ? Is he a 
 girl ? What ? He must, by all means, stand on his 
 head ! " 
 
 And Ser^zha took his hand. 
 
 " By all means, by all means on his head ! " we all 
 cried, and surrounded IKnka, who was perceptibly fright- 
 ened and pale. We took his hands and pulled him to the 
 dictionaries. 
 
 " Let me, I'll do it alone ! You wiU tear my blouse ! " 
 cried the unfortunate victim. But these cries of despair 
 only encouraged us more. We were dying with laughter, 
 and the green blouse cracked in all its seams. 
 
 Volodya and the elder Ivin bent down his head and 
 placed it on the dictionaries. Ser^zha and I got hold of 
 the poor boy's thin legs, which he waved in all directions, 
 rolled up his pantaloons to his knees, and with loud 
 laughter stretched his legs in the air. The younger Ivin 
 sustained the equilibrium of his body. 
 
 It so happened that after the noisy laughter we all sud- 
 denly grew silent, and it was so quiet in the room that we 
 could hear the heavy breathing of poor Grap. That mo- 
 ment I was not entirely convinced that all this was funny 
 and joUy. 
 
 " Now he is a fine fellow ! " said Ser^zha, slapping him 
 with his hand. 
 
 Iliuka was silent, and in trying to free himself, threw 
 his legs in all directions. During one of these desperate 
 movements, his heel struck Ser^zha's eye so painfully that
 
 THE IVINS 87 
 
 Ser^zha at once dropped his legs, put his hand to his eye, 
 from which tears began to flow against his will, and gave 
 Ilinka a blow with all his might. Ilinka was no longer 
 supported by us, and fell to the floor like a lifeless mass. 
 He could ouly say through tears : 
 
 " Why do you torment me so ? " 
 
 The pitiful figure of poor Ilinka, with his tearful face, 
 dishevelled hair, and tucked-up pantaloons, underneath 
 which could be seen the unblackened boot-legs, struck us 
 forcibly ; we were all silent and endeavoured to smile. 
 
 Ser^zha was the first to come to his senses. 
 
 " He is an old woman, and a cry baby," he said, lightly 
 touching him with his foot. " It is impossible to play with 
 him. Now, that will do, get up." 
 
 " I told you you were a naughty boy," angrily cried 
 Hinka, and, turning away, sobbed out loud. 
 
 " Oh, he strikes with his heels, and then he calls names ! " 
 cried Ser^zha, taking a dictionary in his hands and swing- 
 ing it over the head of the unfortunate boy, who did not 
 even think of defending himself, but covered his head with 
 his hands. 
 
 " Take this, and this ! Let us leave him, if he does 
 not know what jokes are. Let us go down-stairs," said 
 Ser^zha, laughing in an unnatural manner. 
 
 I looked sympathetically at the poor fellow, who lay 
 upon the floor, and, hiding his face in a dictionary, wept 
 so much that I thought he would certainly die of the con- 
 vulsions with which his body was shaking. 
 
 " Sergy^y ! " said I to him, " why did you do that ? " 
 
 " I declare ! I did not cry, I hope, when I almost 
 crushed my leg to the bone ! " 
 
 " Yes, that is so," thought I, " Ilinka is nothing but a 
 cry baby, and Ser^zha is a brave fellow. Oh, what a 
 brave fellow ! " 
 
 It did not occur to me that the poor boy was really not 
 crying so much from physical pain as from the thought
 
 88 CHILDHOOD 
 
 that five boys, whom he, no doubt, liked, had without any 
 reason conspired to hate and persecute him. 
 
 I positively am not able to explain the cruelty of my 
 act. How is it I did not go up to him, did not defend, 
 or console him ? What had become of the sentiment of 
 compassion which used to make me sob at the sight of a 
 young jackdaw thrown out of its nest, or of a pup that 
 was to be thrown over the fence, or a chicken that the 
 cook-boy took out to kill for the soup ? 
 
 Is it possible this beautiful sentiment was choked in 
 me through my love for Ser^zha, and my desire to appear 
 before him just such a brave fellow as he was ? This 
 love and desire to appear brave were no enviable qualities, 
 for they produced the only dark spots on the pages of my 
 childhood memories.
 
 XX. 
 
 GUESTS ARE COMING 
 
 To judge from the unusual activity which was notice- 
 able in the buffet, from the bright illumination which gave 
 a new, festive appearance to the old, familiar objects in 
 the drawing-room and parlour, and, more especially, to 
 judge from the fact that Prince Ivan Ivanovich had sent his 
 music, there was to be a large gathering of people in the 
 evening. 
 
 At the noise of each carriage that passed by, I ran to 
 the window, put my hands to my temples and to the pane, 
 and with impatient curiosity looked into the street. From 
 the darkness, which at first hid all the objects outside the 
 window, slowly emerged : right opposite, the familiar 
 bench with the lamp-post ; diagonally across, a large house, 
 with two windows below lighted up ; in the middle of the 
 street, some Jehu, with two occupants in his vehicle, or 
 an empty coach, returning home leisurely. Suddenly a 
 carriage drove up to the entrance, and I, quite sure that it 
 must be the Ivins, who had promised to arrive early, ran 
 down to meet them in the antechamber. Instead of the 
 Ivins, appeared, after the liveried arm which had opened 
 the door, two ladies, one, tall, in a blue cloak with a sable 
 collar, the other, small, all wrapped in a green shawl, 
 underneath which could be seen only tiny feet in fur boots. 
 Without paying any attention to my presence in the ante- 
 chamber, though I had regarded it as my duty to bow to
 
 90 CHILDHOOD 
 
 them at their arrival, the smaller lady walked up to the 
 taller, and stopped in front of her. The tall lady unwound 
 the kerchief that completely hid the head of the small 
 lady and unbuttoned her cloak. When the liveried lackey 
 received these things in his keeping, and had taken off her 
 fur boots, there issued from that bundled-up being a beau- 
 tiful giri twelve years of age, in a short, open muslin 
 dress, white pantalets, and tiny black shoes. Over her 
 white neck was a black velvet ribbon, her head was all in 
 dark blond curis which so beautifully encased her pretty 
 face in front, and her bare neck behind, that I should not 
 have believed anybody, not even Karl Ivdno\'ich, that 
 they curled in this way because, ever since morning, they 
 had been tied in bits of the Moscow Gazette, and because 
 they had been curled with hot curling-irons. It seemed 
 to me she was born that way, with her curly head. 
 
 The striking feature of her face was the unusual size 
 of her bulging, half-closed eyes, which formed a strange, 
 but pleasant contrast with the tiny mouth. Her little 
 lips were closed, and her eyes looked so serious that the 
 general expression of her face was such that one did not 
 expect a smile from it, and, consequently, her smile was 
 the more enchanting. 
 
 Trying not to be noticed, I slunk through the door of 
 the parlour, and thought it necessary to ^valk up and 
 down, pretending that I was deep in thought, and that I 
 did not know that guests had come. When the guests 
 reached the middle of the parlour, I, as it were, came to, 
 scuffed, and announced to them that grandmother was in 
 the sitting-room. Madame Valakhin, whose face I liked 
 very much, especially since I discovered in it a resem- 
 blance to the face of her daughter Sdnichka, graciously 
 nodded her head to me. 
 
 Grandmother was apparently very glad to see S<5nichka, 
 called her to her, fixed a lock upon her head, which had 
 fallen on her forehead, and, looking fixedly at her, said :
 
 GUESTS ARE COMING 91 
 
 " Quelle charmante enfant ! " Souichka smiled, blushed, 
 and looked so sweet, that I, too, blushed, looking at her. 
 
 " I hope you will not be lonely at my house, dear girl," 
 said grandmother, raising her face by the chin. " I ask 
 you to have a good time and dance as much as possible. 
 Here are already one lady and two gentlemen " she added, 
 speaking to Madame Valakhin, and touching my hand. 
 
 This way of connecting me with herself was so pleas- 
 ing that it made me blush once more. 
 
 As I felt that my bashfuluess was increasing, and 
 hearing the rumble of an approacliing carriage, I thought 
 it necessary to withdraw. In the antechamber I found 
 Princess Kornakov with a son and an incredible number 
 of daughters. Her daughters had all the same looks, 
 they all resembled the princess, and they were all homely, 
 so that not one of them arrested the attention. After 
 doffing their cloaks and boas, they suddenly began to 
 speak in thin voices, fluttered about, and laughed at 
 something, no doubt because there were so many of 
 them. Etienne was a boy of about fifteen years of age, 
 tall, flabby, with a washed-out face, sunken, blue-ringed 
 eyes, and enormous arms and legs for his age. He was awk- 
 ward, and his voice was uneven and harsh, but he seemed 
 to be satisfied with himself, and was just the kind of boy 
 I had expected of one who was whipped with switches. 
 
 We stood quite a while facing and examining each 
 other, without saying a word. Then we moved up to 
 each other and, it seems, were about to kiss, but having 
 taken another look at one another, somehow changed 
 our minds. When the dresses of all his sisters had 
 rustled by us, I asked him, in order to start a conversa- 
 tion, whether they had not been crowded in the carriage. 
 
 " I do not know," he answered, carelessly. " You know, 
 I never travel in the carriage, because, the moment I seat 
 myself in it, I get a sick headache, and mamma knows 
 that. When we go out for the evening, I always take my
 
 92 CHILDHOOD 
 
 place on the coachman's box, — it's jollier, — I can see 
 everything, and Filipp lets me guide the horses, and some- 
 times I take the whip, too. And those that drive by some- 
 times get it," he added, with an expressive gesture. " It's 
 nice ! " 
 
 " Your Grace," said a lackey, who had just entered the 
 antechamber, " Filipp wants to know what you have 
 deigned to do with the whip ? " 
 
 " How ? What ? I gave it back to him." 
 
 " He says you didn't." 
 
 " Well, then I hung it on the lamp-post." 
 
 " Filipp says that it is not on the lamp-post either, and 
 you had better admit that you have lost it, and so Filipp 
 will with his own money answer for your jokes," continued 
 the angry lackey, becoming more and more animated. 
 
 The lackey, whose appearance was that of a respectable 
 and stern man, evidently took Filipp's side with zeal, and 
 was determined by all means to clear up the matter. By 
 a natural feeling of delicacy, I stepped aside, as if I had not 
 noticed anything ; but the lackeys present acted differently, 
 they came nearer, and approvingly looked at the old servant. 
 
 " Well, if I lost it, I lost it," said Etienne, avoiding any 
 further explanations. " I'll pay him whatever the whip 
 is worth. How funny ! " he added, walking up to me, 
 and drawing me after him into the drawing-room. 
 
 "No, excuse me, master, what are you going to pay 
 with ? I know how you pay. You have not paid 
 M^rya Vlasevna her two dimes these eight months; it 
 is now two years you have not payed me, and Pe- 
 trusha — " 
 
 " Will you shut up ? " cried out the young prince, turn- 
 ing pale from anger. " I wiU tell it all — " 
 
 " I will tell it all, I will tell it all ! " said the lackey. 
 " It is not good, your Grace ! " he added with great empha- 
 sis, just as we entered the parlour, and as he was going 
 with the cloaks to the clothes-press.
 
 GUESTS ARE COMING 93 
 
 " That's it ! That's it ! " was heard somebody's approv- 
 ing voice in the antechamber behind us. 
 
 Grandmother had the special gift, by applying, with a 
 certain tone, and at certain occasions, the plural and sin- 
 gular number of the pronoun of the second person, to 
 express her opinion of people. Although she used " thou " 
 and " you " in a reversed sense from the commonly ac- 
 cepted form, these shades received an entirely different 
 meaning in her mouth. When the young prince walked 
 up to her, she said a few words to him, calling him " you," 
 and glanced at him vdth an expression of such contempt 
 that if I had been in his place, I should have gone to 
 pieces. But Etienne was, apparently, a boy of a different 
 composition : he not only did not pay any attention to 
 grandmother's reception, but not even to her person, and 
 bowed to the whole company, with the greatest ease, if 
 not very gracefully. 
 
 Sonichka occupied all my attention. I remember how 
 I spoke with the greatest pleasure, whenever Yolddya, 
 Etienne, and I were conversing in a place in the parlour 
 where Sonichka could be seen, and she could see and 
 hear us — Whenever I had occasion to say something 
 that, in my opinion, was either funny or clever, I spoke 
 louder, and looked at the door that led into the drawing- 
 room ; but when we went over to another place, where 
 we could not be seen or heard, I was silent, and no 
 longer found any pleasure in the conversation. 
 
 The drawing-room and the parlour were slowly filling 
 up with guests. Among them, as is always the case at 
 evening parties for children, were some older ones, who 
 would not let slip an opportunity of making merry and 
 dancing, as if only to please the lady of the house. 
 
 When the Ivins arrived, the pleasure which I generally 
 experienced at meeting Ser^zha gave way to a strange 
 annoyance, because he would see Sonichka, and would be 
 seen by her.
 
 XXL 
 
 BEFORE THE MAZURKA 
 
 " Oh, there will be some dancing here, I see," said 
 Ser^zha, as he left the sitting-room, and took out of his 
 pocket a new pair of kid gloves. " I must put on my 
 gloves." 
 
 " What shall I do ? We have no gloves," thought I, 
 " and I must go up-stairs and look for some." 
 
 Although I rummaged through all the drawers, I 
 found in one of them only our travelling mittens, and in 
 another one kid glove, which could be of no use whatso- 
 ever to me : in the first place, because it was exceedingly 
 old and dirty, in the second place, because it was entirely 
 too large ; and chiefly, because it lacked the middle 
 finger, which had, no doubt, been cut off by Karl Ivano- 
 vich for some aihng hand. I put the remnant of a glove, 
 however, on my hand, and attentively examined that spot 
 on the middle finger which is always black with ink. 
 
 " Now, if Natalya Savishna were here she certainly 
 would find some gloves. I can't go down-stairs in this 
 shape, because when they will ask me why I am not 
 dancing, what am I to say ? Neither can I remain here, 
 because they will just as surely discover my absence. 
 What am I to do ? " said I, and waved my hands in 
 despair. 
 
 " What are you doing here ? " said Vol(5dya, who had 
 just run in. " Go, engage a lady, it will begin soon." 
 
 " Volddya," said I to him, showing him my hand with 
 
 94
 
 BEFORE THE MAZURKA 95 
 
 two fingers sticking out of the soiled glove, and speaking 
 in a voice which expressed a condition bordering on 
 despair, " Volt)dya, you did not think of this ! " 
 
 " Of what ? " he said, impatiently. " Ah ! Of the 
 gloves," he added, quite indifferently, as he noticed my 
 hand ; " that is so, we have none, and we shall have to 
 ask grandmother what she has to say about it." And, 
 without reflecting a moment, he ran down-stairs. 
 
 The indifference with which he had referred to a sub- 
 ject that had seemed so important to me, calmed me, and 
 I hastened into the drawing-room, entirely forgetful of 
 the monstrous glove which was drawn over my left 
 hand. 
 
 Cautiously approaching grandmother's chair, and 
 lightly touching her mantilla, I said in a whisper to 
 her : 
 
 " Grandmother, what are we to do ? We have no 
 gloves ! " 
 
 " What is it, my dear ? " 
 
 "We have no gloves," I repeated, coming nearer and 
 nearer, and placing both my hands on the arm of the 
 chair. 
 
 " What is this ? " she said, seizing my left hand. 
 " Voyez, ma chere" she continued, turning to Madame 
 Valakhin, " voyez comme ce jeune homnie s'est fait ilSgant 
 'pour danser avec voire fille ! " 
 
 Grandmother held my hand tightly, and with an 
 inviting, though serious, glance looked at the persons 
 present, until the curiosity of all the guests was satisfied, 
 and the laughter had become universal. 
 
 I should have been very much aggrieved if Ser^zha had 
 seen me, as I, shrinking from shame, was trying to pull 
 away my hand ; but I did not feel in the least ashamed 
 before S<5nichka, who was laughing so heartily that tears 
 stood in her eyes and all her locks kept bobbing about her 
 heated face. I understood that her laughter was too
 
 96 CHILDHOOD 
 
 loud and unnatural to be derisive ; on the contrary, the 
 fact that we were laughing both together, and looking at 
 each other, brought me, in a certain way, nearer to her. 
 The episode with the glove might have had a bad end, 
 but it gave me this advantage, it put me on a free footing 
 with a circle which always appeared to me as the most 
 terrible, — the circle in the drawing-room. I no longer 
 felt the least bashfulness in the parlour. 
 
 The suffering of bashful people arises from their un- 
 certainty as to the opinion which is held in regard to 
 them. The moment this opinion is clearly defined, — 
 whatever it may be, — the suffering ceases. 
 
 How sweet S6nichka Valakhin was, when she danced 
 a French quadrille opposite me, with the awkward young 
 prince ! How sweetly she smiled, when she gave me her 
 hand in the chavie ! How sweetly her blond curls 
 leaped about in even measure on her head ! How naively 
 she made jetS-assemhU with her tiny feet ! In the fifth 
 figure, when my lady ran from me to the opposite side, 
 and I, waiting for the beat, was getting ready to do my 
 solo, S6nichka solemnly compressed her lips and began to 
 look to one side. But she was unnecessarily afraid for 
 me. I boldly made chassS en avant, chassS en arriere, 
 glissade, and, when I came near her, I playfully showed 
 her the glove with the two towering fingers. 
 
 She burst into a loud laugh, and even more charmingly 
 scraped her tiny feet on the parquetry. I remember how, 
 when we formed a circle and joined hands, she bent her 
 head, and, without letting my hand go, scratched her little 
 nose against her glove. All that is standing vividly be- 
 fore my eyes, and I still hear the quadrille from the 
 " Maid of the Danube," to the sounds of which it all took 
 place. 
 
 Then came a second quadrille, which I danced with 
 S(5nichka. When I seated myself by her side, I felt quite 
 uncomfortable, and did not have the slightest idea what
 
 BEFORE THE MAZURKA 97 
 
 to talk to her about. When my silence was prolonged 
 too much, I became frightened lest she should take me 
 for a fool, and I decided to free her from such a delusion, 
 at whatever cost. " Vous etes une hahitante de Moscou ? " 
 said I to her and, after an affirmative answer, continued : 
 " Et moi, je n'ai encore jamais friquentS la capitale" cal- 
 culating particularly on the effect of the word fre- 
 quenter. I felt, however, that, though the beginning was 
 very brilliant, and gave complete proof of my superior 
 knowledge of French, I was not able to continue the con- 
 versation in that strain. It was still some time before 
 our turn to dance would come, and the silence was 
 renewed. I looked in anguish at her, wishing to know 
 what impression I had made, and expecting her to 
 help me. 
 
 " Where did you find such a killing glove ? " she sud- 
 denly asked me. This question afforded me great pleasure 
 and relief. I explained that the glove belonged to Karl 
 Ivauovich, and somewhat ironically expatiated on his per- 
 son, telling her how funny he was when he took off his 
 red cap, and how he once, dressed in a green wadded coat, 
 fell from his horse straight into a puddle, and so on. The 
 quadrille passed unnoticed. All that was very well. But 
 why did I refer to Karl Ivanovich in derision ? Should I 
 have lost Sonichka's good opinion if I had described him 
 to her with all the love and respect which I felt for him ? 
 
 When the quadrille was over, Sonichka said " Merci " to 
 me with as sweet an expression as if I really had earned 
 her gratitude. I was in ecstasy, all beside myself with 
 joy, and could not recognize myself : whence came my 
 courage, confidence, and even boldness ? " There is not a 
 thing that could confuse me," thought I, carelessly walk- 
 ing up and down the parlour ; " I am ready for everything." 
 
 Ser(5zha proposed to me to be his vis-a-vis. " All right," 
 said I, " although I have no lady, I will find one." Casting 
 a searching glance over the whole parlour, I noticed that
 
 98 CHILDHOOD 
 
 all were engaged, except one young lady, who was stand- 
 ing at the door of the drawing-room. A tall young man. 
 was just approaching her, as I concluded, in order to invite 
 her. He was within two steps of her, and I at the oppo- 
 site end of the parlour. In the twinkling of an eye I flew, 
 gracefully sliding over the parquetry, across the whole dis- 
 tance which separated us, and, shuffling my feet before 
 her, with a firm voice, I invited her to the contradance. 
 The tall young lady smiled condescendingly, gave me her 
 hand, and the young man was left without a lady. 
 
 I had such a consciousness of my power that I did not 
 even pay any attention to the annoyance of the young 
 man ; hut I found out later that he had asked who that 
 shaggy boy was that had leaped in front of him and had 
 taken his lady away right before his face.
 
 XXII. 
 
 THE MAZURKA 
 
 The young man whose lady I had taken away was 
 dancing a mazurka, and leading it as the lirst pair. He 
 leaped from his seat, holding his lady's hand, and instead 
 of making "pas de Basques" as Mimi had taught us, 
 simply ran ahead. When he reached the corner, he 
 stopped, spread his legs, struck the floor with his heel, 
 turned about, and hopping, ran ahead. 
 
 As I had no lady for the mazurka, I sat behind grand- 
 mother's high chair and observed. 
 
 " What is he doing there ? " I reflected. " That is not 
 at all the way Mimi taught us ; she assured us that every- 
 body danced a mazurka on tiptoe, moving the feet evenly 
 and in a circle ; and now it seems that they dance it quite 
 differently. There the Ivins, and Etienne, and all are 
 dancing, but none of them make 'pas de Basques ;' and 
 even Volodya has learned the new fashion. It is not at 
 all bad ! And what a sweet girl Sdnichka is ! There, she 
 has started again — " I felt exceedingly happy. 
 
 The mazurka came to an end. A few elderly men and 
 women walked up to grandmother, in order to bid her 
 good-bye, and departed. Avoiding the dancers, the lack- 
 eys were carefully carrying things for the tables into the 
 back rooms. Grandmother was visibly tired, spoke as 
 if against her will, and prolonged her words beyond meas- 
 ure. The musicians for the thirtieth time lazily began the 
 same motive. The tall young lady, with whom I had
 
 100 CUILDHOOD 
 
 danced, noticed me, while making a figure, and, smiling 
 treacherously, — probably, because she wished to please 
 grandmother by it, — brought Sonichka and one of the 
 numberless princesses to me. " Rose ou hortie," she said 
 to me. 
 
 " Oh, you are here ! " said grandmother, turning around 
 in her chair. " Go, my dear, go ! " 
 
 Although I then felt more like hiding my head behind 
 grandmother's chair than issuing from it, there was no 
 refusing. I got up, said "Rose" and timidly looked at 
 Sonichka. I had no time to come to my senses, when 
 somebody's hand in a white glove passed through my arm, 
 and the princess with the pleasantest smile rushed ahead, 
 not suspecting in the least that I was completely ignorant 
 of what I was to do with my feet. 
 
 I knew that "pas de Basques" was out of place and 
 indecent, and might bring shame upon me; but the 
 famihar sounds of the mazurka, acting upon my hearing, 
 gave a certain direction to my acoustic nerves, which, in 
 their turn, transmitted the motion to my legs ; and these, 
 quite involuntarily and to the surprise of the spectators, 
 began to evolve the fatal round and even figures on the 
 tiptoes. As long as we proceeded in a straight direction, 
 things went fairly well, but at turning I noticed that if I 
 did not use proper precaution I should fly ahead. To 
 avoid such an unpleasantness, I stopped with the intention 
 of producing the same figures which the young man had 
 so beautifully produced in the leading pair. But the very 
 moment I spread my legs and was about to leap up, the 
 princess hurriedly ran about me, and looked at my legs 
 with an expression of blank surprise and curiosity. That 
 look undid me. I so completely lost myself, that instead 
 of dancing, I began, in the strangest manner and entirely 
 out of keeping with the measure of the dance or anything 
 else, to wriggle my feet in one spot, and finally stopped 
 entirely. Everybody was looking at me, some in wonder-
 
 THE MAZURKA 101 
 
 ment, some with curiosity, some in derision, and some witli 
 compassion. Grandmother alone remained indifferent. 
 
 " // 7ie. fallait pas danser, si vous ne savez pas ! " was 
 heard the angry voice of papa over my very ear, and, giv- 
 ing me a light push, he took the hand of my lady, made 
 the round with her in the ancient fashion, with the loud 
 approval of the spectators, and brought her back to her 
 seat. The mazurka was over soon after that. 
 
 " O Lord ! Why dost Thou punish me so severely ! " 
 
 " Everybody hates me, and will always hate me. My 
 road is barred to everything: to friendship, to love, to 
 honours, — everything is lost ! Why did Volodya make 
 signs to me, which everybody could see, but which did not 
 help me ? Why did that abominable princess look at my 
 legs ? Why did Sonichka — she is a dear, but why did 
 she smile at me then ? Why did papa blush and seize my 
 hand ? Is it possible he, too, was ashamed of me ? Oh, 
 that is terrible ! I am sure, if mamma had been here, she 
 would not have blushed for her Nikolenka." And my 
 imagination was transported far, after that sweet image. 
 I recalled the meadow in front of the house, the tall linden- 
 trees of the garden, the clear pond, over which the swal- 
 lows circled, the azure sky, on which white, transparent 
 clouds hovered, the fragrant ricks of newly mown hay ; 
 and many other peaceful, glowing recollections arose in 
 my distracted imagination.
 
 XXIII. 
 
 AFTER THE MAZURKA 
 
 At supper, the young man, who had danced with the 
 leading pair, seated himself at our children's table, and 
 directed his especial attention to me, which would have 
 flattered my egotism greatly, if I had been able to have 
 any sensations after the misfortune which had befallen 
 me. But the young man, it seemed, was anxious to make 
 me feel happy : he joked with me, called me a brave fellow, 
 and, when none of the grown people were looking on, 
 poured into my wineglass wine from all kinds of bottles, 
 and insisted that I should drink it. Toward the end of 
 the supper, the servant filled about one-fourth of my glass 
 with champagne from a bottle that was covered with a 
 napkin, but the young man demanded that he should fill 
 it to its brim. He compelled me to gulp it down at one 
 draught, and I felt a gentle warmth permeating my body, 
 and took a special liking to my merry protector, and for 
 some unknown reason laughed out loud. 
 
 Suddenly the sounds of " grandfather's " dance were 
 heard in the parlour, and people rose from the table. My 
 friendship for the young man came to an end then and 
 there. He went over to the grown people, and I did not 
 dare to follow him, but went up to listen, with curiosity, 
 to what Madame Valakhin was saying to her daughter. 
 
 " Only half an hour longer," S6nichka said, convinc- 
 ingly. 
 
 " Eeally, my angel, it is impossible.** 
 
 102
 
 AFTER THE MAZURKA 103 
 
 " Just do it for my sake, please," she said, fondling her. 
 
 " Well, will you be happy, if I shall be ill to-morrow ? " 
 said Madame Valakhin, smiling carelessly. 
 
 " Ah, you have consented ! Shall we stay ? " called out 
 S<5nichka, jumping up with delight. 
 
 " What am I to do with you ? Go, dance ! Here is a 
 cavalier for you," she said, pointing at me. 
 
 S6nichka gave me her hand, and we ran into the 
 parlour. 
 
 The wine which I had drunk and the presence and 
 merriment of Sdnichka caused me completely to forget 
 the unfortunate incident of the mazurka. I did the 
 funniest tricks with my feet: now I imitated a horse, 
 and ran at a quick trot, proudly raising my feet ; now I 
 rattled them on one spot, like a wether that is angered at 
 a dog, and all the time laughed from the depth of my 
 soul, not being in the least concerned what impression I 
 produced upon the spectators. Sdnichka, too, did not 
 cease laughing: she laughed because we were circling 
 around and holding each other's hands; she laughed at 
 some elderly gentleman, who slowly raised his feet in 
 order to step across a handkerchief, making it appear that 
 it was very hard for him to do ; and she nearly died with 
 laughter, when I jumped almost to the ceiling, to show 
 her my agility. 
 
 As I passed through grandmother's cabinet, I looked at 
 myself in the glass : my face was perspiring, my hair 
 dishevelled ; my tufts stuck in every direction ; but the 
 general expression of my face was so happy, good-natured, 
 and healthy, that I was pleased with myself. 
 
 " If I were always as I am now," thought I, " I should 
 not fail to please others." 
 
 But when I again glanced at the pretty face of my 
 lady, I found in it, in addition to the expression of merri- 
 ment, health, and carelessness, which had pleased me in 
 my own, so much of refined and gentle beauty, that I
 
 104 CHILDHOOD 
 
 grew angry at myself : 1 understood how foolish it was 
 for me to hope that I should be able to direct toward 
 myself the attention of so charming a creature. 
 
 I could not hope that my feelings would be reciprocated, 
 and I did not even think of it: my soul was full of 
 happiness as it was. I did not imagine that one could 
 demand any greater happiness than the sentiment of love, 
 which filled all my soul with delight, and that one could 
 desire anything other than that this sentiment should 
 never come to an end. I was satisfied as it was. My 
 heart fluttered hke a dove, the blood continually rushed 
 to it, and I felt hke weeping. 
 
 When we passed through the corridor, near the dark 
 lumber-room under the staircase, I cast a glance at it, and 
 thought : What happiness that would be if it were possible 
 to pass an eternity with her in that dark lumber-room, 
 and if no one knew that we were living there. 
 
 " Don't you think we have had a jolly time to-night ? " 
 I said in a quiet, quivering voice, and increased my steps, 
 being frightened not so much at what I had said, as at 
 what I was about to say. 
 
 " Yes, very ! " she answered, turning her head to me 
 with such an open and kind expression that I ceased 
 being afraid. 
 
 " Especially after supper. But if you knew how sorry 
 I am (I had intended to say " unhappy ") that you are 
 going to leave soon, and that we shall not see each other 
 again ! " 
 
 " Why should we not see each other ? " she said, looking 
 sharply at the tips of her little shoes, and passing her 
 fingers over the trelHs by which we were walking. " Every 
 Tuesday and Friday mamma and I drive out to the Tver 
 Boulevard, Don't you ever drive out ? " 
 
 " I will certainly ask next Tuesday, and if they will 
 not let me, I will run there all alone, without a cap. I 
 know the road well."
 
 AFTER THE MAZURKA 105 
 
 " Do you know what ? " suddenly said Sonichka. " I 
 always say ' thou ' to the boys that come to see me. Let 
 us speak ' thou ' to each other ! Dost thou want it ? " she 
 added, shaking her little head, and looking straight into 
 my eyes. 
 
 We were just entering the parlour, and another lively 
 part of the " grandfather's " dance was at that moment 
 beginning. " I will, with — you," I said, when the music 
 and noise could drown my words. 
 
 " With thee, not with you," Sonichka corrected me, and 
 burst out laughing. 
 
 The " grandfather " came to an end, and I had not yet 
 succeeded in using a single phrase with " thou," although 
 I kept on composing such as would contain that pronoun 
 several times. I did not have the courage for it. " Dost 
 thou want ? " and " Come thou " resounded in my ears, 
 and produced a kind of intoxication : I saw nothing and 
 nobody but Sonichka. I saw how they lifted her locks, 
 pushed them behind her ears, and laid bare parts of her 
 brow and temples which I had not yet seen. I saw 
 her being wrapped in her green shawl so tightly that only 
 the tip of her nose was visible. I noticed that if she 
 had not made a small opening near her mouth with her 
 rosy little fingers, she would certainly have strangled, and 
 I saw how, while descending the staircase with her mother, 
 she rapidly turned around to us, nodded her head, and 
 disappeared behind the door. 
 
 Volddya, the Ivins, the young prince, and I, we all 
 were in love with S6nichka and, standing on the staircase, 
 saw her out with our eyes. I do not know whom in 
 particular she greeted with the nod of her head, but at 
 that moment I was firmly convinced that she meant it 
 for me. 
 
 When I bade the Ivins good-bye, I very freely, even 
 coldly, spoke with Ser^zha, and pressed his hand. If he 
 understood that with that day he had lost my love and
 
 106 CHILDHOOD 
 
 his power over me, he doubtless was sorry for it, though 
 he endeavoured to be as indififerent as possible. 
 
 It was the first time in my life that I was false to my 
 love, and for the first time I experienced the pleasure of 
 that sensation. It was a joy for me to exchange my worn- 
 out sentiment of habitual loyalty for the fresh sentiment 
 of love, full of mystery and uncertainty. Besides, to 
 fall in love and cease loving at the same time means 
 to love twice as much as before.
 
 XXIV. 
 
 IN BED 
 
 " How could I have loved Ser^zha so long and so 
 passionately ? " I reflected, lying in bed. " No, he never 
 understood, never could appreciate my love, and was not 
 worthy of it. But Sonichka ? What a charming girl ! 
 ' Dost thou want ! ' * It is for thee to begin ! ' " 
 
 In my vivid representation of her face, I jumped up 
 on all fours, then covered my head with my coverlet, 
 tucked it all around me, and, when there were no openings 
 left, lay down and, experiencing a gentle warmth, was lost 
 in sweet dreams and memories. I fixed my immovable 
 eyes upon the under side of the quilt, and saw her face as 
 distinctly as an hour before. I mentally conversed with 
 her, and that conversation gave me indescribable pleasure, 
 though it had absolutely no sense, because it was com- 
 posed of so many repetitions of " thou," " to thee," " thy," 
 and " thine." 
 
 These dreams were so distinct that I could not fall 
 asleep from pleasurable agitation, and was desirous of 
 sharing the superabundance of my happiness with some- 
 body. 
 
 " Darling ! " I said almost aloud, abruptly turning 
 around on my other side. " Volodya, are you asleep ? " 
 
 " No," he answered me with a sleepy voice, " what is 
 it?" 
 
 " I am in love, Volddya, desperately in love with 
 Sonichka ! " 
 
 107
 
 108 CHILDHOOD 
 
 " Well, what of it ? " he answered me, stretching him- 
 self. 
 
 " O Vol6dya ! You can't imagine what is going on in 
 me. I had just rolled in my coverlet when I saw her 
 and heard her so distinctly, so distinctly, that it is really 
 wonderful ! And do you know ? when I lie and think of 
 her, I feel sad, God knows why, and I want to cry 
 awfully." 
 
 Volddya moved restlessly. 
 
 " I wish only for one thing," continued I, " and that is, 
 always to be with her, always to see her, and nothing else. 
 Are you in love ? Confess really, do, Volodya!" 
 
 It is strange, but I wanted everybody to be in love with 
 S(5nichka, and I wanted everybody to talk about it. 
 
 " That is not your business," said Volddya, turning his 
 face toward me. " Maybe." 
 
 " You do not want to sleep, you only pretended ! " I 
 called out, when I noticed by his burning eyes that he 
 did not even think of sleeping, and had thrown off his 
 coverlet. " Let us talk about her. Don't you think she 
 is fine ? She is so charming that if she were to command 
 me : ' Nikdlenka, jump out of the window ! ' or, ' throw 
 yourself into the fire ! ' I swear to you," said I, " I should 
 with pleasure do so. Oh, what a charming girl ! " I 
 added, vividly imagining her before me ; and, completely 
 to enjoy that image, I abruptly turned on my other side 
 and stuck my head under the pillows. " Volddya, I want 
 to cry awfully." 
 
 " You are a fool ! " he said, smihng, and then kept 
 silent for a moment. " I am entirely different from you ; 
 I think that if it were possible, I should want at first to 
 sit by her side and talk with her — " 
 
 " Oh, so you are in love, too ? " I interrupted him. 
 
 " Then," continued Volddya, smiling gently, " then I 
 should kiss her little fingers, her eyes, lips, nose, feet, — 
 I should kiss her all over — "
 
 IN BED 109 
 
 " Nonsense ! " I cried out from under my pillows. 
 
 " You do not understand anything," contemptuously 
 said Volddya. 
 
 " No, I understand, but you do not, and you are talking 
 nonsense," said I, through tears. 
 
 " But there is no reason for weeping. A regular girl ! "
 
 XXV. 
 
 THE LETTER 
 
 On the 16th of April, almost six months after the 
 day which I have just described, father came up-stairs, 
 during classes, and announced to us that we were going 
 home with him that very night. Something pinched me 
 at my heart, when I heard the news, and my thoughts at 
 once reverted to my mother. 
 
 Our sudden departure was the result of the following 
 letter : 
 
 Petr6vskoe, April 12th. 
 
 " I received your kind letter of April 3d just a Httle 
 while ago, at ten o'clock in the evening, and, as is my cus- 
 tom, I am replying to it immediately. F^dor brought it 
 from town yesterday, but as it was late, he handed it to 
 Mimi this morning. Mimi did not give it to me all day, 
 under the pretext that I was nervous and ill. I had, in 
 reality, a httle fever and, to confess, this is the fourth day 
 that I have not been feeling well and have not left the 
 bed. 
 
 " Please, do not get frightened, my dear one. I feel 
 quite well, and, if Ivan Vasilich will permit, shall get up 
 to-morrow. 
 
 " On Friday of last week I went out driving with the 
 children ; but at the very entrance upon the highway, near 
 the bridge which always frightens me so, the horses stuck 
 in the mud. It was a fine day, and I thought I should 
 
 110
 
 THE LETTER 111 
 
 walk as far as the highway, while they extricated the 
 carriage. When I reached the chapel I grew very tired, 
 and sat down to rest ; but before the people came to pull 
 out the carriage, almost half an hour passed, and I began 
 to feel cold, particularly in my feet, because I had on thin- 
 soled shoes, and they were wet. After dinner I felt a 
 chill and a fever, but kept on my feet, as is my habit, and 
 after tea sat down to play duets with Lyiibochka. (You 
 will not recognize her, — she has made such progress !) 
 But imagine my surprise when I discovered that I could 
 not count the beats. I started several times to count, but 
 everything got mixed up in my head, and I heard strange 
 sounds in my ears. I counted : one, two, three, and then 
 suddenly : eight, fifteen ; and (which is the main thing), I 
 knew I was not doing right, but could not correct myself. 
 Finally Mimi came to my aid, and almost using force, put 
 me to bed. Here you have, my dear one, a detailed ac- 
 count of how I grew ill, and how it is all my fault. The 
 next day I had a pretty high fever, and our good old Ivdn 
 Vasilich came. He has been staying at our house ever 
 since, and he promised me he would soon let me out in 
 the air again. A splendid old man is this Ivan Vasilich ! 
 When I was feverish and delirious he stayed at my bed 
 all night long, without closing his eyes ; but now, seeing 
 that I am writing. b.e is staying with the girls in the sofa- 
 room, and I can hear from my chamber how he is telling 
 them German stories and how they, listening to them, are 
 dying with laughter. 
 
 " La helle Flamande, as you call her, has been my 
 guest for two weeks, because her mother has gone to make 
 visits, and she proves her sincere attachment by her care 
 of me. She confides all the secrets of her heart to me. 
 With her pretty face, good heart, and youth, she could 
 become a beautiful girl in every respect if she were in 
 good hands ; but in the society in which she lives, to 
 judge by her own story, she will be completely ruined.
 
 112 CHILDHOOD 
 
 It has occurred to me that if I did not have so many 
 children of my own, I should be doing a good act if I 
 took her into my house. 
 
 " Lyiibochka wanted to write to you herself, but she 
 has torn her third sheet, and she says : * I know what a 
 scoffer papa is ; if I make one mistake, he will show it to 
 everybody.' Kdtenka is as dear as ever, and Mimi is as 
 good and tiresome. 
 
 " Now let us speak of something serious : you are writ- 
 ing me that your affairs are not going well this winter, 
 and that you will be compelled to take some Khabarovka 
 money. It is strange to me that you even ask my con- 
 sent. Does not that which belongs to me equally belong 
 to you ? 
 
 " You are so good, my dear one, that for fear of griev- 
 ing me you are hiding the actual condition of your affairs, 
 but I guess you have lost much at cards, and I am not in 
 the least, I swear it, aggrieved at the fact, so that, if this 
 affair can be straightened out, please don't spend much 
 thought over it, or vainly worry about the matter. I have 
 become accustomed not to count on your winnings for our 
 children, not even, you will forgive me for saying so, on 
 your property. Your winnings give me as httle pleasure 
 as your losses grieve me ; I am only grieved at your un- 
 fortunate passion for gaming, which robs me of a part of 
 your tender attachment for me, and compels you to tell 
 such bitter truths as those you are telling me now, — and 
 God knows how that pains me ! I never cease praying 
 to Him that He may deliver us, not from poverty (what 
 is poverty ?), but from that terrible condition when the 
 interests of our children, which I shall have to protect, 
 will come in conflict with our own. Thus far God has 
 fulfilled my prayer ; you have not crossed the one Une, 
 after which we shall have either to sacrifice our property, 
 which no longer belongs to us, but to our children, or — 
 it is terrible to think of it, and yet we are threatened by
 
 THE LETTER 113 
 
 a terrible misfortune. Yes, it is a heavy cross the Lord 
 has sent us both. 
 
 " You are writing me about the children, and return 
 to our old quarrel : you ask my permission to send them 
 to some educational establishment. You know my preju- 
 dice against such an education. 
 
 " I do not know, my dear one, whether you will agree 
 with me ; in any case, I implore you, for the sake of our 
 love, to promise me that as long as I am alive, and after 
 my death, if it shall please God to separate us, this shall 
 not happen. 
 
 " You tell me that it will be necessary for you to go to 
 St. Petersburg about our affairs. Christ be with you, my 
 friend ! go and come back as soon as possible ! We all 
 feel very lonely without you. The spring is remarkably 
 fine ; the balcony door has already been put out ; the path 
 in the greenhouse was completely dry four days ago ; 
 the peaches are in full bloom ; only here and there 
 patches of snow are left ; the swallows have returned ; 
 and to-day Lyubochka has brought me the first spring 
 flowers. The doctor says that in three or four days I 
 shall be quite well again, and able to breathe the fresh 
 air, and warm myself in the April sun. Good-bye, my 
 dear one ! Please, do not worry, neither about my illness 
 nor about your losses ; settle your affairs as soon as pos- 
 sible, and come back to us with the children for the 
 whole summer. I am making wonderful plans as to how 
 we are going to pass it, and you only are wanting to 
 materialize them." 
 
 The following part of the letter was in French, in a 
 closely written and uneven hand, and upon a different 
 piece of paper. I translate it word for word : 
 
 " Don't believe what I am writing you about my ill- 
 ness ; nobody suspects to what degree it is serious. I 
 alone know that I shall never rise from bed again. Do
 
 114 CHILDHOOD 
 
 not lose a single minute, and come at once, and bring the 
 children with you. Maybe, I shall live long enough to 
 embrace and bless them ; that is my one last wish. I 
 know what a blow I am striking you, but you would all 
 the same, sooner or later, receive it from me, or from 
 others. Let us try with fortitude and with hope in the 
 mercy of God to bear this misfortune ! Let us submit to 
 His will! 
 
 " Do not imagine that what I write is the delirium of 
 a diseased imagination ; on the contrary, my thoughts are 
 unusually clear at this moment, and I am perfectly calm. 
 Do not console yourself in vain with the hope that these 
 are false and dim presentiments of a fearsome soul. No, 
 I feel, I know, — and I know because it has pleased God 
 to reveal it to me, — that I am to live only a short time. 
 
 " Will my love for you and my children end together 
 with my life ? I have come to understand that this is 
 impossible. I feel too strongly this minute, to think that 
 the feeling without which I cannot understand existence 
 should ever be annihilated. My soul cannot exist with- 
 out love for you ; and I know that it will exist for ever, 
 for this reason alone, if for no other, that such a feeling 
 as my love could not have originated, if it were ever to 
 come to an end. 
 
 " I shall not be with you ; but I am firmly convinced 
 that my love will never leave you, and this thought is so 
 comforting to my soul that I await my approaching death 
 in peace and without fear, 
 
 " I am calm, and God knows that I have always 
 looked at death as a transition to a better life ; but why 
 do tears choke me ? Wherefore are the children to lose 
 their beloved mother ? Why should such a blow be 
 struck you ? Why must I die, when your love has 
 made me boundlessly happy ? 
 
 " His holy will be done ! 
 
 " I cannot write any more for tears. Maybe I shall
 
 THE LETTER 115 
 
 not see you again. So I thank you, my truest friend, for 
 all the happiness with which you have surrounded me in 
 this life , and there, I will ask God that He may reward 
 you. Good-bye, my dear one ! Kemember that I shall be 
 no more, but my love will never and in no place leave 
 you. Good-bye, Volddya, good-bye, my angel ! Good-bye, 
 my Benjamin, my Nikolenka ! 
 
 " Will they ever forget me ? " 
 
 In this letter was enclosed a French note from Mimi, 
 of the following contents : 
 
 " The sad presentiments, of which she tells you, have 
 been only too well confirmed by the doctor. Last night 
 she ordered this letter to be taken to the post. Thinking 
 that she., said that in her delirium, I waited until this 
 morning, and decided to break the seal. No sooner had 
 I opened it, than Natalya Nikolaevna asked me what I 
 had done with the letter, and ordered me to burn it, if 
 it had not yet been sent. She speaks of it continually, 
 and assures us that it will kill you. Do not delay your 
 journey, if you wish to see this angel before she has left 
 you. Pardon this scrawl. I have not slept these three 
 nights. You know how I love her ! " 
 
 Natalya Savishna, who had passed the whole night of 
 the 11th of April in mother's chamber, told me that 
 having written the first part of her letter, mamma put 
 it near her on the table, and fell asleep. 
 
 " I myself," said Natalya Savishna, " I must confess, 
 dozed off in the chair, and the stocking fell out of my 
 hands. Then in my sleep, about one o'clock, I heard her 
 talk. I opened my eyes : there she, my Httle dove, was 
 sitting in her bed, folding her arms just hke this, and her 
 tears were pouring down in three streams. * So all is 
 ended ? ' was all she said, and covered her face with 
 her hands. 
 
 " I jumped up, and began to ask her what the matter 
 was with her.
 
 116 CHILDHOOD 
 
 "'Ah, Nat^lya S^vishna, if you only knew whom I 
 saw just now ! ' 
 
 " No matter how much I asked her, she would not 
 answer me. She only ordered me to put the small table 
 near her, then wrote something more in the letter, told 
 me to seal it in her presence, and to send it away at 
 ence. After that everything went worse and worse."
 
 XXVL 
 
 WHAT AWAITED US IN THE COUNTRY 
 
 On the 25th of April we dismounted from the road 
 carriage, at the veranda of the Petrovskoe house. When 
 we left Moscow, papa was lost in thought, and upon 
 Volodya's asking whether mamma was not ill, he 
 looked at him with sadness, and silently nodded his 
 head. During the journey, he became perceptibly calmer ; 
 but as we approached our home, his face assumed an even 
 more sad expression, and when, upon leaving the carriage, 
 he asked of Foka, who came running out of breath : 
 " Where is Natalya Nikolaevna ? " his voice was not firm, 
 and there were tears in his eyes. Good old Foka stealth- 
 ily looked at us, dropped his eyes, and, opening the door 
 to the antechamber, answered, with his face turned 
 away : 
 
 " This is the sixth day she has not left the chamber." 
 Milka, who, as I later learned, had not stopped whin- 
 ing since the first day when mamma became ill, joy- 
 fully rushed up to father, jumped on him, whined, and 
 licked his hands ; but he pushed her aside and went 
 into the sitting-room, thence into the sofa-room, from 
 which a door led straight into mamma's chamber. The 
 nearer he approached this room, the more his unrest 
 was to be noticed in all his movements. As he entered 
 the sofa-room, he walked on tiptoe, barely drew breath, 
 and made the sign of the cross before he had the courage 
 to turn the latch of the closed door. Just then, unkempt, 
 
 117
 
 118 CHILDHOOD 
 
 weeping Mimi came running in from the corridor. " Ah, 
 Peter Aleksdndrych ! " she said in a whisper, with an ex- 
 pression of real despair, and then, noticing that papa was 
 turning the latch of the door, added scarcely audibly : 
 " You can't pass through here ; you have to go in through 
 the outer door." 
 
 Oh, how heavily all that acted upon my childish im- 
 agination, which was prepared for sorrow by some terrible 
 presentiment ! 
 
 We went into the maids' room. In the corridor we 
 ran against fool Akim, who used to amuse us with his 
 grimaces; at this moment he not only did not seem 
 funny to me, but nothing struck me so painfully as the 
 appearance of his meaningless, indiJBferent face. In the 
 maids' room two servant girls, who were sitting at 
 some work, rose to greet us, but the expression of their 
 faces was so sad that I felt terribly. Passing through 
 Mimi's room, papa opened the door of the chamber, and 
 we entered. To the right of the door were two windows, 
 which were darkened by shawls ; at one of these, Natdlya 
 S^vishna was seated, with spectacles on her nose, and 
 was knitting a stocking. She did not rise to kiss us, as 
 she was in the habit of doing, but only raised herself a 
 Kttle, glanced at us through her spectacles, and her tears 
 began to flow in streams. I did not like it at aU that at 
 the first sight of us they all started weeping, while just 
 before they were calm. 
 
 To the left of the door stood a screen, behind the 
 screen a bed, a small table, a medicine box, and a large 
 armchair, in which the doctor was dozing. Near the bed 
 stood a very blond young lady of remarkable beauty, in 
 a white morning gown, and, rolling up her sleeves a httle, 
 she put ice to the head of mamma, whom I was able to 
 see. This young lady was la belle Flamande, of whom 
 mamma had written, and who later on was to play such 
 an important part in the life of our whole family. The
 
 WHAT AWAITED US IN THE COUNTRY 119 
 
 moment we entered, she took one hand away from 
 mamma's head, and arranged over her breast the folds of 
 her gown, then said in a whisper : " She is unconscious." 
 
 I was in great anguish then, but I noticed all the de- 
 tails. It was almost dark in the room, and warm, and 
 there was a mingled odour of mint, eau de cologne, cam- 
 omile, and Hoffmann's drops. That odour struck me so 
 powerfully that not only when I smell it, but even when 
 I think of it, my imagination immediately transfers me 
 into that gloomy, close room, and reproduces all the 
 minutest details of that terrible moment. 
 
 Mamma's eyes were open, but she did not see anything. 
 Oh, I shall never forget that terrible look ! There was 
 so much suffering expressed in it. 
 
 We were taken away. 
 
 When I later asked Natalya Savishna about the last 
 moments of my mother, she told me this : 
 
 " When you were taken away, my little dove kept on 
 tossing for a long time, as though something were chok- 
 ing her here ; then she dropped her head from the pillows, 
 and fell asleep, as softly and calmly as if she were an 
 angel of heaven. I had just gone out to see why they 
 were not bringing the drink, — and when I came back, 
 she, the treasure of my heart, had thrown off everything 
 about her, and was beckoning to father. He bent down 
 to her, but she evidently had no strength to say what she 
 wanted ; she only opened her lips, and began to sigh : 
 'My Lord! God! The children! The children!' 1 
 wanted to run for you, but Ivan Vasilich stopped me, 
 saying that it would excite her too much, and that it 
 would be better not to call you. Then she only hfted 
 her hand, and let it fall again. God knows what she 
 meant to say by it! I think she was blessing you, 
 though you were out of sight ; and thus God has decreed 
 that she should not see her children before her last mo- 
 ments. Then she raised herself, my little dove, folded
 
 120 CHILDHOOD 
 
 her little hands just like this, and then spoke in a voice 
 that I can't repeat : ' Mother of God, do not desert them ! ' 
 By this time the agony had reached her heart, and one 
 might see by her eyes that the poor woman was suffering 
 terribly : she fell back on her pillows, bit the sheet, and 
 her tears began to flow in streams." 
 
 "Well, and then?" 
 
 Nat^ya could not speak any more : she turned her 
 face away, and burst into tears. 
 
 Mamma had passed away amidst terrible sufferings.
 
 XXVII. 
 
 GRIEF 
 
 The next day, late in the evening, I wanted to take 
 another look at her : overcoming an involuntary feeling 
 of terror, I softly opened the door, and walked into the 
 parlour on tiptoe. 
 
 In the middle of the room stood the coffin on a table ; 
 around it were burning candles in tall silver candlesticks ; 
 in the distant corner sat the sexton, and in a monotonous 
 voice read the psalter. 
 
 I stopped at the door and began to look, but my eyes 
 were so red with tears, and my nerves were so unstrung, 
 that I could not make out anything. Everything was 
 strangely running together : the light, the brocade, the 
 velvet, the tall candlesticks, the rose-coloured lace-bor- 
 dered pillow, the crown, the cap with its ribbons, and 
 something translucent, of a wax-colour. I stood on 
 a chair, in order to see her face ; but I imagined I saw 
 in the place where it ought to have been the same pale 
 yellow, translucent object. I could not believe that it 
 was her face. I began to look more closely at it, and by 
 degrees recognized the familiar features which were so 
 dear to me. I shuddered from terror, when I convinced 
 myself that it was she. But why were her closed eyes 
 so sunken ? Why this terrible pallor, and the black spot 
 under the transparent skin on one of her cheeks ? Why 
 was the expression of her whole face so severe and cold ? 
 Why were her lips so pale, and their position so beautiful, 
 
 121
 
 122 CHILDHOOD 
 
 SO majestic, and expressing such an unearthly calm that 
 a cold chill passed over my back and hair, as I looked at 
 her ? 
 
 I looked, and felt that a certain incomprehensible, irre- 
 sistible power was attracting my eyes to that lifeless face. 
 I riveted my gaze upon it, and my imagination painted 
 for me pictures abloom with hfe and happiness. I forgot 
 that the dead body, which was lying before me and at 
 which I was looking meaninglessly, as at an object which 
 had nothing in common with my memories, was she. I 
 imagined her now in one, now in another situation : alive, 
 merry, smihng ; then I was suddenly struck by some 
 feature in her pale face, upon which my eyes were rest- 
 ing ; I recalled the terrible reahty, and shuddered, but did 
 not cease looking at it. And again dreams took the place 
 of reahty, and again the consciousness of reality destroyed 
 my dreams. Finally my imagination grew tired, it no 
 longer deceived me. The consciousness of reality also 
 disappeared, and I completely forgot myself. I do not 
 know how long I remained in that condition, and I do 
 not know what it really was ; I know only that I lost, 
 for some time, the consciousness of my whole existence, 
 and experienced some elevated, inexpressibly pleasant and 
 sad sensation. 
 
 Maybe, as she was flying away to a better world, her 
 beautiful soul looked back in sorrow at the one in which 
 she left us. She noticed my sadness, took pity on me, and 
 upon pinions of love, with a heavenly smile of sympathy, 
 winged her way to earth, in order to console and bless 
 me. 
 
 The door creaked, and another sexton entered the room 
 to take the place of the first. That noise woke me, and 
 the first thought that came to me was that inasmuch as I 
 was not weeping, and was standing upon the chair in an 
 attitude which had in it nothing of a touching nature, the 
 sexton might take me for an unfeehng boy, who had
 
 GRIEF 123 
 
 climbed upon the chair out of discomfort or curiosity ; 1 
 made the sigu of the cross, bowed, and fell to weeping. 
 
 As I now recall my impressions, I find that only that 
 minute of self-forgetfulness was a real grief. Before and 
 after the funeral, I did not stop weeping, and was sad, but 
 I am ashamed to think of that sadness, because it was 
 always mingled with some selfish feeling. Now it was the 
 desire to show that I was grieved more than the rest, now 
 the anxiety about the effect I was producing on the 
 others, now an aimless curiosity, which caused me to 
 make observations on Mimi's bonnet, and the faces of the 
 people present. I hated myself because I did not experi- 
 ence exclusively a sentiment of sorrow, and endeavoured 
 to conceal all the other feelings ; for this reason my grief 
 was not sincere nor natural. Besides, I experienced a 
 certain pleasure from the knowledge that I was unhappy, 
 and tried to awaken the consciousness of misfortune, and 
 this egoistical feeling more than any other drowned my 
 real sorrow in me. 
 
 Having slept soundly and calmly through the night, as 
 is always the case after great bereavement, I awoke with 
 dried eyes and soothed nerves. At ten o'clock we were 
 called to the mass which was celebrated before the 
 funeral. The room was filled with servants and peasants, 
 who, all of them in tears, had come to bid their mistress 
 farewell. During the service I wept decently, made the 
 signs of the cross, and bowed to the ground, but I did not 
 pray with sincerity, and was sufficiently indifferent ; I 
 was concerned about the new half-dress coat which they 
 had put on me, and which was tight under my arms ; I 
 was thinking how to keep from soiling my pantaloons at 
 the knees, and stealthily made observations upon all the 
 people present. Father stood at the head of the coffin, 
 ■was as pale as a sheet, and with evident difficulty re- 
 strained his tears. His tall stature in the black dress 
 coat, his pale, expressive countenance, and his usual
 
 124 CHILDHOOD 
 
 graceful and confident movements, whenever he made the 
 sign of the cross, bowed, reaching the floor with his hand, 
 took the candle out of the priest's hands, or walked up to 
 the coffin, were exceedingly effective ; but I do not know 
 why, I did not Hke his being able to produce such an 
 effect at that particular moment. 
 
 Mimi was leaning against the wall and, it seemed, 
 barely could stand on her feet; her dress was crushed 
 and full of feathers, and her cap was on one side ; her 
 swollen eyes were red, her head was shaking ; she sobbed 
 without interruption in a heartrending voice, and con- 
 tinually covered her face with a handkerchief and with 
 her hands. It seemed to me that she did so, in order to 
 hide her face from the spectators, when resting a moment 
 from her simulated sobs. I recalled how the day before 
 she told father that mamma's death was a terrible blow 
 to her, from which she never expected to recover, that 
 she had lost everything in mother, that this angel (so 
 she called mamma) had not forgotten her before her 
 death, and had expressed her desire of safeguarding 
 her future and that of K^tenka. She shed bitter tears, 
 while telling this, and it may be that the feeling of sor- 
 row was genuine, but it was not pure and exclusive. 
 Lyubochka, in a black dress, with mourning ruffles all 
 wet with tears, drooped her head, and looked now and 
 then at the coffin. Her face expressed childish terror. 
 Kdtenka stood near her mother and, in spite of her drawn 
 face, was as rosy as usual, Vol6dya's open nature was 
 also open in its grief ; he either stood lost in thought, his 
 immovable look directed to some object, or his mouth sud- 
 denly began to twitch, and he hurriedly made the signs of 
 the cross and bowed. All the outsiders who attended the 
 funeral were unbearable to me. The consoHng words 
 which they spoke to father — that she would be better 
 there, that she was not for this world — provoked a 
 certain anger in me.
 
 GRIEF 125 
 
 What right did they have to speak of and weep for 
 her ? Some of them, speaking of us, called us orphans. 
 As if we did not know ourselves that children who had 
 no mother were called by that name ! They seemed to 
 take delight in being the first to name us so, just as people 
 are in a hurry to call a newly married girl Madame. 
 
 In the farther corner of the parlour, almost hidden 
 behind the open door of the buffet, knelt the bent, gray- 
 haired old woman. Folding her hands and raising them 
 to heaven, she did not weep, but prayed. Her soul went 
 out to God, and she asked Him to unite her with the 
 mistress whom she had loved more than any one in 
 the world, and she was firmly convinced that this would 
 soon happen. 
 
 " Here is one who has loved her sincerely ! " thought I, 
 and I was ashamed of myself. 
 
 The mass was over ; the face of the deceased one was 
 uncovered, and all persons present, except us, went up to 
 the coffin, one after another, and made their obeisance. 
 
 One of the last to walk up to take leave of mother was 
 a peasant woman, with a pretty five-year-old girl in her 
 arms, whom, God knows why, she had brought with her. 
 Just then I accidentally dropped my wet handkerchief, 
 and I was on the point of Hfting it up. The moment I 
 bent down, I was struck by a terrible, penetrating cry, 
 which was filled with such terror that if I were to live a 
 hundred years I shall not forget it, and whenever I think 
 of it, a cold chill passes over my body. I raised my head : 
 on a tabouret, near the coffin, stood the same peasant 
 woman, with difficulty restraining the girl in her arms, 
 who fought with her little hands, and, throwing back her 
 terrified face and fixing her bulging eyes upon the coun- 
 tenance of the dead woman, shrieked in a terrible, preter- 
 natural voice. I cried out in a voice which, I think, was 
 even more terrible than the one that had struck me, and 
 ran out of the room.
 
 126 CHILDHOOD 
 
 Only then I understood what the strong and heavy 
 odour came from, which filled the room, minghng with 
 the odour of incense ; and the thought that the face which 
 only a few days before was beaming with beauty and 
 gentleness, the face of her I loved more than anything else 
 in the world, could evoke terror, for the first time, it 
 seemed, opened the bitter truth to me, and filled my soul 
 with despair.
 
 XXVIII. 
 
 THE LA.ST SAD MEMORIES 
 
 Mamma was no more, but our life ran in the usual 
 routine ; we went to bed and rose at the same hours, and 
 in the same rooms. Morning and evening, tea, dinner, 
 supper, — everything was at the customary hours. The 
 tables and chairs stood in the same places. Nothing in 
 the house nor in our manner of life had changed, — only 
 she was no more — 
 
 It seemed to me that after such a misfortune everything 
 ought to change. Our usual manner of hfe appeared to 
 me as an insult to her memory, and too vividly reminded 
 me of her absence. 
 
 On the day before the funeral, after dinner, I was 
 sleepy, and I went to the room of Natalya Savishna, 
 intending to lie down on her soft feather bed, under her 
 warm quilt. "When I entered, Natalya Savishna was 
 lying on her bed, and no doubt was sleeping. When she 
 heard the sound of my footsteps, she raised herself, threw 
 back the woollen kerchief with which her head was cov- 
 ered to protect it against flies, and, fixing her cap, seated 
 herself on the edge of her bed. 
 
 As it used to happen frequently that after dinner I 
 came to rest in her room, she guessed the cause of my 
 coming, and said to me, rising from her bed : 
 
 " You have come to rest yourself, my little dove ? Lie 
 
 down ! " 
 
 127
 
 128 CHILDHOOD 
 
 " Don't say that, Natdlya Sdvishna ! " I said, holding 
 her back by her hand. " I did not come for that — I just 
 came so — and you are tired : you had better lie down 
 yourself." 
 
 " No, my dear one, I have slept enough," she said to me 
 (I knew she had not slept for three days). " And this is 
 no time for sleeping," she added, with a deep sigh. 
 
 I wanted to have a talk with Natalya Sdvishna about 
 our misfortune. I knew her loyalty and love, and so it 
 would have been a consolation for me to weep with her. 
 
 "Natalya Savishna," I said, after a moment's silence, 
 and seating myself on the bed, " did you expect this ? " 
 
 The old woman looked at me in perplexity and with 
 curiosity, as if she did not quite understand why I asked 
 her that. 
 
 " Who could have expected this ? " I repeated. 
 
 " Oh, my dear one," she said, casting a look of the ten- 
 derest compassion upon me, " I not only did not expect it, 
 but I can't even think of it. It has long been time for 
 me, an old woman, to put my old bones to rest ; for see 
 what I have lived to go through : I have buried the old 
 master, your grandfather, — may his memory be eternal, — ^ 
 Prince NikoMy Mikhdylovich, two brothers, sister An- 
 nushka, and they were all younger than I, my dear one, 
 and now I have to outlive her, no doubt for my sins. His 
 holy will be done ! He has taken her because she was 
 worthy, and He needs good people even there." 
 
 This simple thought gave me consolation, and I moved 
 up to Natdlya Sdvishna, She crossed her arms over her 
 breast, and looked up to the ceihng; her moist, sunken 
 eyes expressed a great, but calm, sorrow. She was firmly 
 convinced that God would not separate her long from her 
 upon whom all the power of her love had been centred 
 for so many years. 
 
 " Yes, my dear one, it does not seem long since I was 
 swathing and watching her, and she called me N^sha.
 
 THE LAST SAD MEMORIES 129 
 
 She used to run up to me, and embrace me with her tiny 
 arms, and kiss me, and say : 
 
 " ' Ndshik mine, beauty mine, darling mine.' And I, 
 joking her, would say : 
 
 " ' It is not so, motherkin, you do not love me ! Just let 
 you grow up, and you will marry, and will forget your 
 Nasha.' And she would fall to musing : ' No,' she'd say, 
 ' I had better not marry, if I can't take Nasha with me, 
 I will never abandon Nasha.' And there ! she has aban- 
 doned me, she did not wait my time. And she did love 
 me ; but, to tell the truth, whom did she not love ? Yes, 
 my dear one, you must not forget your mother ; she was 
 not human, but an angel of heaven. When her soul will 
 be in the heavenly kingdom, she will love you there, too, 
 and she will rejoice in you there." 
 
 " Why do you say, Natalya Savishna, when she will be 
 in the heavenly kingdom ? " asked I. " I think she must 
 be there now." 
 
 " No, my dear one," said Natalya Savishna, dropping 
 her head, and seating herself nearer to me on the bed, 
 " now her soul is here." 
 
 And she pointed upwards. She spoke almost in a 
 whisper, and with such feeling and conviction that I 
 involuntarily raised my eyes, and, looking at the mould- 
 ing, tried to find something there. 
 
 " Before the soul of a righteous person goes to heaven, 
 it has to pass through forty ordeals, my dear one, for forty 
 days, and may still be in her house — " 
 
 She long spoke in the same strain, and she spoke with 
 simphcity and conviction, as if she were telling the com- 
 monest things which she had seen herself, and in regard 
 to which no one could have the slightest doubts. I lis- 
 tened to her, with bated breath, and though I did not 
 understand well what she was telling me, I believed her 
 fully. 
 
 " Yes, my dear one, now she is here, is looking at you,
 
 130 CHILDHOOD 
 
 and, maybe, hearing what we are saying," concluded 
 Natalya Savishna. 
 
 And, lowering her head, she grew silent. She needed 
 a handkerchief to wipe off her falling tears. She rose, 
 looked straight into my face, and said in a voice quiver- 
 ing with emotion : 
 
 " The Lord has moved me up several steps by this 
 experience. What is left for me here ? For whom am 
 I to hve, whom am I to love ? " 
 
 " Do you not love us ? " I said, with reproach, and with 
 difficulty restraining my tears. 
 
 " God knows how I love you, my little doves, but I 
 have never loved, nor can love, any one as I have loved 
 her." 
 
 She could not speak any longer, turned away from me, 
 and sobbed out loud. 
 
 I did not think of sleeping after that. We sat silent, 
 facing each other, and wept. 
 
 Foka entered the room. Noticing our condition, and 
 evidently not wishing to disturb us, he looked about 
 silently and timidly, and stopped at the door. 
 
 " What is it, Fokasha ? " asked Natalya Savishna, 
 wiping her tears with her handkerchief. 
 
 " A pound and a half of raisins, four pounds of sugar, 
 and three pounds of rice for the kutya." ^ 
 
 " Right away, right away, my friend," said Natalya 
 Savishna. She hurriedly took a pinch of snuff, and with 
 rapid steps went to one of the coffers. The last traces of 
 the sorrow which had been produced by our conversation 
 disappeared the moment she had a duty to perform which 
 she regarded as very important. 
 
 " Why four pounds ? " she grumbled, as she fetched the 
 sugar and weighed it out on the steelyard. " Three 
 pounds and a half will be enough." 
 
 1 Rice-cake used in the church during the reading of the mass for 
 the dead.
 
 THE LAST SAD MEMORIES 131 
 
 And she took a few pieces off the scale. 
 
 " And what kind of a business is this ? Yesterday I 
 let you have eight pounds of rice, and now you are ask- 
 ing again for some. You may do as you please, Foka, but 
 I will not give you any rice. That Vanka is glad there 
 is a disturbance in the house, and so he thinks that, 
 perhaps, I shall not notice it. No, I will not be indul- 
 gent when it conies to the master's property. Who has 
 ever heard such a thing ? Eight pounds ! " 
 
 " What is to be done ? He says it has all been used 
 up." 
 
 " Well, here it is, take it ! Let him have it ! " 
 
 I was struck by that transition from the touching 
 emotion with which she had been speaking to me, to 
 grumbling and petty considerations. When I reflected 
 over it at a later time, I understood that, in spite of 
 what was going on in her soul, she had sufficient presence 
 of mind to do her work, and the power of habit drew her 
 to her ordinary occupations. The sorrow had affected 
 her so powerfully, that she did not find it necessary to 
 conceal the fact that she was able to attend to other 
 matters ; she would have found it difficult to understand 
 how such a thought could come to one. 
 
 Vanity is a sentiment that is incompatible with true 
 sorrow, and yet that sentiment is so firmly inoculated in 
 the nature of man that the deepest sorrow rarely expels 
 it. Vanity in sorrow is expressed by the desire to appear 
 bereaved, or unhappy, or firm. And these low desires, to 
 which we do not own up, but which do not abandon us, 
 not even in the deepest grief, deprive it of power, dignity, 
 and sincerity. But Natalya Savishna was so deeply 
 struck by her misfortune that in her soul not a wish 
 was left, and she lived only from habit. 
 
 After having supplied Foka with the desired provi- 
 sions, and reminded him of the cake which was to be 
 made for the entertainment of the clergy, she dismissed
 
 132 CHILDHOOD 
 
 him, took up a stocking, and again sat down by my 
 side. 
 
 Our conversation reverted to the same subject, and we 
 once more began to weep, and to wipe off our tears. 
 
 The conversations with Natalya Sdvishna were repeated 
 every day. Her quiet tears and gentle, pious speeches 
 afforded me consolation and relief. 
 
 But soon we were separated ; three days after the 
 funeral we moved with our whole household to Moscow, 
 and it was my fate never to see her again. 
 
 Grandmother received the terrible news only upon our 
 arrival, and her grief was very great. We were not 
 admitted to her, because she was unconscious for a whole 
 week ; the doctors were afraid for her life, the more so 
 since she not only would not take any medicine, but did 
 not even speak to any one, nor sleep, nor take any food. 
 At times, while she was sitting all alone in her room, 
 she suddenly burst out laughing, then sobbed without 
 tears, went into convulsions, and shouted meaningless 
 and terrible words in a preternatural voice. This was 
 the first great sorrow which had struck her down, and it 
 brought her to despair. She felt she must accuse some- 
 body of her misfortime, and she uttered fearful threats, 
 exhibiting meanwhile unusual bodily strength, jumped up 
 from her chair, walked across the room with long, rapid 
 steps, and then fell down unconscious. 
 
 I once walked into her room : she sat, as usual, in her 
 chair, and was, apparently, calm ; but her glance appalled 
 me. Her eyes were wide open, but her vision was indefi- 
 nite and dull : she looked straight at me, and in all prob- 
 abihty did not see me. Her lips slowly began to smile, 
 and she spoke in a touching and tender voice : " Come to 
 me, my dear, come to me, my angel ! " I thought she 
 was speaking to me, so I walked up to her, but she was 
 not looking at me. " Ah, if you knew, my treasure, 
 how I have suffered, and how happy I am now that you
 
 TPIE LAST SAD MEMORIES 133 
 
 have arrived," I understood that she imagined she saw 
 mamma, and I stopped. " And they told me that you 
 were no more," she continued, frowning. " What nonsense ! 
 You can't die before me!" and she laughed out with a 
 terrible, hysterical laughter. 
 
 Only people who are capable of strong affection can 
 experience deep sorrow ; but this very necessity of loving 
 serves for them as a counteraction of their sorrow, and 
 cures it. For this reason the moral nature of man is even 
 more tenacious than his physical nature. Sorrow never 
 kiUs. 
 
 A week later grandmother was able to weep, and she 
 grew better. Her first thought, after she regained con- 
 sciousness, was of us, and her love for us was increased. 
 We did not leave her chair; she wept softly, spoke of 
 mamma, and tenderly petted us. 
 
 It would never have occurred to a person who saw 
 grandmother's bereavement, that she exaggerated it, 
 though the expression of that sorrow was vehement 
 and touching; but somehow I sympathized more with 
 Natalya Savishna, and I am convinced, even now, that 
 nobody loved mamma so sincerely and purely, or grieved 
 for her so much as did that simple-hearted and loving 
 creature. 
 
 With my mother's death the happy period of my hfe 
 was over, and a new epoch, that of my boyhood, began ; 
 but since the memories of Natalya Savishna, whom I 
 never saw again, and who had had such a strong and 
 helpful influence upon the direction and development of 
 my sentiments, belong to the first epoch, I shall say 
 a few words about her and her death. 
 
 After our departure, as our people who remained in the 
 village later told me, she felt very lonely for want of 
 work. Although all the coffers were still in her keep- 
 ing, and she did not cease rummaging through them, 
 transposing, hanging things up, and spreading them out,
 
 134 CHILDHOOD 
 
 she missed the noise and bustle of the country residence 
 when it is inhabited by its masters, to which she had 
 been accustomed from her childhood. The bereavement, 
 the changed manner of life, and the absence of petty 
 cares soon developed in her an ailment of old age for 
 which she had a natural predisposition. Precisely a year 
 after mother's death, she developed dropsy, and took to 
 her bed. 
 
 I think it was hard for Natdlya Sdvishna to live alone, 
 and harder stiU to die alone, in the large Petrovskoe 
 house, without relatives, without friends. Everybody in 
 the house loved and respected her, but she had no friend- 
 ship for anybody, and she prided herself on the fact. She 
 surmised that in her capacity of stewardess, where she 
 enjoyed the confidence of her masters and had so many 
 coffers with all kinds of property in her charge, her 
 friendship for anybody would necessarily lead to hypoc- 
 risy and criminal condescension. For this reason, or, 
 perhaps, because she had nothing in common with the 
 other servants, she kept aloof from all and maintained 
 that in the house she had no kith nor kin, and that she 
 would show no indulgence in matters pertaining to her 
 master's property. 
 
 She sought and found consolation in confiding her feel- 
 ings to God in fervent prayers ; but at times, during 
 moments of weakness, to which we all are subject, when 
 the best consolation is afforded man by the tears and 
 sympathies of living beings, she lifted upon her bed 
 her lapdog, who, fixing her yellow eyes upon her, licked 
 her hands ; Nat^lya Sdvishna spoke to her and, weeping 
 softly, stroked her. When her lapdog began pitifully to 
 whimper, she tried to quiet her, and said : " Now stop, I 
 know without you that I shall die soon." 
 
 A month before her death she took some white calico, 
 white muslin, and rose-coloured ribbons out of her coffer : 
 with the aid of her servant-girl she sewed a white dress
 
 THE LAST SAD MEMORIES 135 
 
 and a cap for herself, and made the minutest arrange- 
 ments for everything that would be needed for her fu- 
 neral. She also went through the coft'ers of her master, 
 and transferred everything, with the greatest precision, 
 according to an invoice, to the wife of the business stew- 
 ard ; then she took out two silk dresses and an ancient 
 shawl, which had been given her at one time by grand- 
 mother, and grandfather's mihtary uniform, with golden 
 trappings, which had also been given into her full pos- 
 session. Thanks to her care, the seams and the lace of 
 the uniform were stUl fresh, and the cloth had not been 
 touched by moths. Before her death she expressed her 
 wish that one of the dresses — the rose-coloured one — 
 should be given to Volodya for a dressing-gown or smok- 
 ing-jacket, the other, — puce in checks, — to me, for 
 similar use, and the shawl to Lyiibochka. The uniform 
 she bequeathed to whichever of us became an officer first. 
 The rest of her property and money, except forty roubles 
 which she laid aside for her burial and mass, she left to 
 her brother. Her brother, who had long ago been eman- 
 cipated, was living in some distant Government, and lead- 
 ing a most riotous life, so she had no relations with him 
 during her lifetime. 
 
 When Natalya Savishna's brother appeared to get his 
 inheritance, and the whole property of the deceased 
 woman amounted only to twenty-five roubles, he was 
 unwilling to believe it, and declared it was impossible 
 that an old woman, who had lived for sixty years in 
 a rich house, who had had everything in her hands, 
 and all her life lived parsimoniously and quarrelled 
 about every rag, should have left nothing. But it was 
 really so. 
 
 Natalya Savishna suffered two months from her 
 disease, and bore her sufferings with truly Christian 
 patience; she did not grumble, did not complain, but 
 only, as was her custom, continually invoked God. An
 
 136 CHILDHOOD 
 
 hour before death, she confessed with quiet joy, and 
 received the holy sacrament and extreme unction. 
 
 She begged forgiveness of the inmates of the house for 
 offences which she might have caused them, and asked 
 her confessor, Father Vasili, to transmit to us that she 
 did not know how to thank us for our kindnesses, and 
 that she asked us to forgive her, if through her stupidity 
 she had offended any one, but that " I have never been a 
 thief, and have never so much as filched a thread from 
 my masters." This was the one quality for which she 
 valued herself. 
 
 Having donned the gown which she had prepared, and 
 a cap, and resting on her pillows, she continued talking to 
 the priest to the very last. She happened to think that 
 she had left nothing for the poor, so she took out ten 
 roubles, and asked him to distribute them among the poor 
 of his parish ; then she made the sign of the cross, 
 lay down, and drew her last sigh, pronouncing the name 
 of God with a joyful smile. 
 
 She left life without regret, was not afraid of death, 
 and accepted it as a boon. This is often said, but how 
 rarely does it happen in reality ! Natdlya Sdvishna 
 could well afford to be without fear of death, for she died 
 with her faith unshaken, and fulfilling the law of the 
 gospel. All her life was a pure, unselfish love and self- 
 sacrifice. 
 
 What if her behef might have been more elevated, 
 and her hfe directed to higher purposes, — was her 
 pure soul on that account less worthy of love and 
 admiration ? 
 
 She executed the best and highest act of this life, — 
 she died without regrets or fear. 
 
 She was buried, according to her own wish, not far 
 from the chapel which was built over mother's grave. 
 The mound under which she lies, and which is overgrown 
 with nettles and agrimony, is surrounded by a black
 
 THE LAST SAD MEMORIES 137 
 
 picket-fence, and I never fail to go from the chapel 
 to this fence and to make a low obeisance. 
 
 At times I stop in silence between the chapel and the 
 black fence. In my soul again arise gloomy recollections, 
 and I think : Has Providence connected me with these 
 two beings only that I may eternally regret them ?
 
 BOYHOOD 
 
 A Novel 
 1854
 
 BOYHOOD 
 
 AT EASY STAGES 
 
 Again two carriages drove up to the veranda of the 
 Petrovskoe house: one, a coach, in which seated them- 
 selves Mimi, Katenka, Lyiibochka and a chambermaid, 
 and steward Yakov himself, on the box ; another, a calash, 
 in which Volodya and I, and lackey Vasili, who had but 
 lately been taken from field labour, were to travel. 
 
 Papa, who was to follow us to Moscow a few days 
 later, stood on the veranda without his cap, and made 
 the sign of the cross against the window of the coach, and 
 at the calash. 
 
 " Well, Christ be with you ! Move on ! " Yakov and 
 the coachmen (we were travelling in our own carriages) 
 doffed their caps and made the sign of the cross. " Move 
 on ! Godspeed ! " 
 
 The bodies of the carriages began to leap up and down 
 on the uneven road, and the birches of the highway flew 
 by us, one after another. I did not feel sad in the least : 
 my mental vision was turned not to what I left behind 
 me, but to what was ahead of me. The farther I de- 
 parted from the objects that were connected with sad 
 memories, which until then had filled my imagination, 
 
 141
 
 142 BOYHOOD 
 
 the more these memories faded, and were soon exchanged 
 for the joyous consciousness of a life full of strength, 
 freshness, and hope. 
 
 I have rarely passed a few days, I shall not say as 
 merrily, for I felt as yet ashamed to abandon myself to 
 merriment, — but as agreeably, as well, as the four days 
 of our journey. Before my eyes was neither the locked 
 door of mother's chamber, by which I could not pass 
 without a shudder, nor the closed piano, which not only 
 was not opened, but was looked upon with a certain ter- 
 ror, nor the mourning garments (we were all dressed in 
 simple travelling costumes), nor any other of the many 
 things which reminded me of my irretrievable loss and 
 caused me to beware of every manifestation of life that 
 in any manner could offend her memory. Here, on the 
 contrary, the ever new, picturesque places and objects 
 arrested and diverted my attention, and vernal nature 
 peopled my soul with balmy feelings of satisfaction with 
 the present, and with bright hope for the future. 
 
 Early, very early in the morning, heartless and, as is 
 always the case with men in their new duties, overzeal- 
 ous, Vasili pulled off my coverlet and assured me that it 
 was time to travel, and that everything was ready. How- 
 ever much I squirmed, and pretended, and growled, to 
 get at least another quarter of an hour for my sweet 
 morning sleep, I could see by Vasili's firm face that he 
 was inexorable, and would pull off my coverlet another 
 twenty times; so I jumped up and ran into the court- 
 yard to get washed. 
 
 In the hall was already boihng the samovdr, which out- 
 rider Mitka, turning red like a lobster, was fanning with 
 his breath. The air was damp and misty, just as when 
 steam rises from a strong-smelling dunghill. The sun 
 with its bright, merry light illuminated the eastern part of 
 the heavens and the straw thatches of the spacious sheds 
 around the courtyard, the straw gleaming from the dew
 
 AT EASY STAGES 143 
 
 that covered it. Beneath the sheds could be seen our 
 horses, tied to the manger, and could be heard their 
 measured chewing. A shaggy black dog, who had cud- 
 dled up before dawn on a dry head of manure, lazily 
 stretched himself and, wagging his tail, betook himself at a 
 jogging pace to the other side of the yard. The industrious 
 housewife opened the creaking gates, and drove the pen- 
 sive cows into the street, where were already heard the 
 tramp and lowing and bleating of the cattle, and exchanged 
 a word or two with her sleepy neighbour. Filipp, with his 
 shirt-sleeves rolled up, drew the bucket from the deep 
 well by turning the wheel, and, splashing the clear water, 
 poured it into the oaken trough, near which the wakeful 
 ducks were plashing in a puddle ; and I looked with 
 pleasure at Filipp's large face with its expansive beard, 
 and at his swollen veins and muscles, which were sharply 
 defined on his powerful bare arms, whenever he exerted 
 himself at work. 
 
 They were stirring behind the partition, where Mimi 
 slept with the girls, and through which we had carried on 
 a conversation in the evening ; Masha ran by us ever more 
 frequently, carrying various objects which she tried to 
 conceal with a cloth from our curiosity. Finally the 
 door was opened, and we were called to drink tea. 
 
 Vasili kept on running into the room, in a fit of super- 
 fluous zeal, carried away, now one thing, now another, 
 beckoned to us, and persistently implored Marya Ivan- 
 ovna to make an early start. The horses were hitched 
 up, and expressed their impatience by tinkling their bells 
 from time to time. The portmanteaus, coffers, cases, and 
 boxes were again put in their places, and we took our 
 seats. But every time we seated ourselves in the calash, 
 we found a mountain instead of a seat, so that we never 
 could understand how it had all been properly packed 
 away the day before, and how we were going to sit down. 
 In particular a walnut tea-box with a three-cornered lid.
 
 144 BOYHOOD 
 
 which they had placed in our calash, provoked my great- 
 est anger. But Vasili said that it would all settle after 
 awhile, and I was compelled to believe him. 
 
 The sun had just risen from under a dense white cloud 
 which had covered the east, and the whole surrounding 
 country was merged in a soft, soothing light. Every- 
 thing around me was beautiful, and my soul felt light 
 and calm. The road wound in front of us like a broad 
 ribbon, among fields of dried-up stubble and verdure 
 agleam with dew. Here and there along the road we 
 came across a gloomy willow or a young birch-tree with 
 small, viscous leaves, which threw its long, immovable 
 shadow across the dry, clayey ruts and the small, green 
 grass of the road. The monotonous rumble of the wheels 
 and tinkling of the beUs did not drown the song of the 
 skylarks which circled near the very road. The odour 
 of moth-eaten cloth, of the dust, or of some acid, which 
 characterized our calash, was overcome by the fragrance 
 of morning, and I felt in my soul a pleasurable unrest, a 
 desire to do something, — which is a sign of genuine 
 enjoyment. 
 
 I had not had any time to say my prayers at the tav- 
 ern : but having frequently observed that some misfor- 
 tune always befell me on days when I, for some reason 
 or other, forgot to carry out this ceremony, I tried to 
 correct my omission : I doffed my cap, turned to one side 
 of the calash, said my prayers, and made the signs of the 
 cross under my blouse, so that no one should see them. 
 But a thousand different objects distracted my attention, 
 and I absent-mindedly repeated several times in succes- 
 sion the same words of my prayer. 
 
 Some figures were seen to move on the foot-path which 
 wound along the road : those were women making their 
 pilgrimage. Their heads were wrapped in soiled kerchiefs ; 
 on their backs they carried bast knapsacks; their feet 
 were covered with dirty, torn rag stockings and heavy
 
 r 
 
 "ji:.-> 

 
 !!OOD 
 
 c,j>id that it 
 
 ilii. 
 
 •■•nik- white cloud 
 hole surroundmg 
 - ':_'ht. Every- 
 ul felt light 
 like a broad 
 md verdure 
 ihe road we 
 
 the 
 
 ',(*ur 
 
 ii. - ,lnch 
 
 •ixii oy I he f^affrance 
 
 ■' asurable unrest, a 
 
 ^■fTii of jjenuine 
 
 1 to 
 
 . '... Due side 
 
 signs of the 
 
 I see them. 
 
 uiy attention, 
 
 -s in succes- 
 
 o the foot-path which 
 
 women making their 
 
 od in soileu kerchiefs ; 
 
 •-•i'psacks; their feet 
 
 . kings and heavy 
 
 hitetjor of a PedbcHU's Home 
 
 ure l)\t»i /hawiii^ hy C<trl liuddms
 
 AT EASY STAGES 145 
 
 bast sandals. They moved onward in single file, with 
 slow and heavy steps, moving their staffs in even measure, 
 and barely casting a glance upon us. I was long busy 
 with the question, whither they went, and wherefore, — 
 whether their wandering would last a considerable time 
 and how soon it would be before their long shadows, 
 which they cast upon the road, would merge with the 
 shadow of the willow, which they had to pass. 
 
 Then a four-horse post-carriage rapidly bore down upon 
 us. Two seconds more, and the faces, which, at the 
 distance of five feet, had cast a glance of curiosity and 
 greeting upon us, flashed by us, and it seemed strange to 
 me that these faces had nothing in common with me, and 
 that I should, probably, never see them again. 
 
 Along one side of the road ran two sweating, shaggy 
 horses with their collars and their traces tucked under 
 their harness. The driver, a young fellow, with his lamb- 
 skin cap poised on one ear, hung his long legs in large 
 boots ■ astride a horse, whose yoke rested loosely upon its 
 neck, so that the bell tinkled but rarely and inaudibly, 
 and he sang a drawling song. His countenance and 
 attitude expressed so much indolent, careless satisfaction, 
 that it seemed to me the acme of happiness to be a driver, 
 to ride on return horses, and sing melancholy songs. 
 
 There, far beyond the ravine, a village church with a 
 green roof was outlined against the light-blue sky ; there, 
 appeared the village itself, the red roof of the manor, and 
 a green garden. Who was living in that house ? Were 
 there any children, a father, a mother, a teacher in it ? 
 Why could we not drive up to the house, and become 
 acquainted with its proprietors ? There, was a long cara- 
 van of immense wagons, each of which was drawn by 
 three well-fed, stout-legged horses, and we were com- 
 pelled to drive far to one side, to get beyond them. 
 
 " What are you hauling ? " asked Vasili of the first 
 driver, who, dangling his huge legs over the foot-rest and
 
 146 BOYHOOD 
 
 waving his whip, kept on staring at us meaninglessly, and 
 gave us an answer only when it was not possible to hear 
 him. 
 
 " What goods are these ? " Vasih turned to another 
 wagon, in the fenced-off front part of which the driver 
 lay under a new mat. A blond head with a red face 
 and russet beard for a moment stuck out from the mat, 
 with an indifferent, contemptuous look gazed at our 
 calash, and again hid itself. It occurred to me that the 
 drivers could not make out who we were, and whither 
 and whence we w^re travelling. 
 
 For an hour and a half I was absorbed in various 
 observations, and paid no attention to the crooked figures 
 on the verst-posts. But now the sun began to glow more 
 warmly upon my head and back, the road grew more 
 dusty, the three-cornered Hd of the tea-box annoyed me 
 more and more, and I several times changed my position : 
 I felt warm, uncomfortable, and tired. All my attention 
 was turned to the verst-posts and the figures upon them. 
 I made all kinds of mathematical calculations in regard 
 to the time when we should arrive at the station. " Twelve 
 versts are one third of thirty-six, and to Liptsy is forty- 
 one versts, consequently we have travelled one third, and 
 how much ? " and so forth. 
 
 " Vasih," said I, when I noticed that he was beginning 
 to nod on his box, " let me sit on the box, my dear ! " 
 
 Vasfli consented. We exchanged places : he immedi- 
 ately started to snore, and so spread himself in the calash 
 that no place was left for anybody else ; while from the 
 height which I occupied, a very pleasing picture was 
 unravelled before me, namely our four horses, Neruch- 
 Inskaya, Sexton, Left Shaft, and Apothecary, whose 
 properties I had studied to the minutest details and 
 shades. 
 
 " Why is Sexton to-day on the off side, and not on the 
 nigh side, Filipp ? " I asked him somewhat timidly.
 
 AT EASY STAGES 147 
 
 " Sexton ? " 
 
 " Aud Neruchinskaya is not pulling at all," said I. 
 
 " Sexton can't be put on the nigh side," said Fillpp, 
 without paying any attention to my last remark. " She 
 is not the kind of a horse to be put on the nigh side. 
 On the nigh side you need a horse which, in short, is a 
 horse, and not this kind of a horse." 
 
 Saying this, Filipp bent down to the right, and, pulling 
 the reins with all his might, began, in a peculiar upward 
 manner, to strike Sexton's tail and legs ; and though 
 Sexton was doing her best and drawing the whole calash, 
 Filipp did not put a stop to his manoeuvre except when 
 he felt the necessity for resting and, for some reason, 
 pushing his cap down on one side, though it was firmly 
 and correctly poised upon his head. 
 
 I took advantage of such a happy moment, and asked 
 Filipp to let me do the driving. Filipp gave me at first 
 one line, then another ; finally all six lines and the whip 
 passed into my hands, and I was completely happy. I 
 tried in every way to imitate Filipp, and asked him 
 whether I was doing right, but it generally ended by his 
 being dissatisfied with me : he said that one was drawing 
 too much, and another was not drawing at all, and finally 
 he stuck his elbow in front of me, and took the lines 
 away. 
 
 The heat was increasing, and the cirrus clouds swelled 
 like soap-bubbles, higher and higher, and came together 
 and assumed dark gray shades. A hand with a bottle 
 and a bundle was thrust out of the window of the coach. 
 Vasili, with remarkable agility, leaped from the box, 
 while the calash was in motion, and brought us cheese- 
 cakes and kvas. 
 
 When we reached the incline of a steep hill, we all 
 alighted from our carriages, and sometimes we ran a race 
 down to the bridge, while Vasili and Yakov put the brakes 
 to the wheels and from both sides supported the coach
 
 148 BOYHOOD 
 
 with their hands, as if they could prevent it from falUng. 
 Then, with Mimi's permission, Volddya or I took a seat in 
 the coach, and Lyiibochka or Katenka seated themselves 
 in ^the calash. These exchanges gave the girls great 
 pleasure, because they justly discovered that it was much 
 jollier in the calash. At times, when we crossed a grove 
 during the heat, we fell behind the coach, gathered green 
 branches, and built an arbour in the calash. The trans- 
 portable arbour caught up with the coach, at full speed, 
 while Lyiibochka screamed at the top of her voice, which 
 she never failed to do at any occasion that gave her much 
 pleasure. 
 
 At last, there was the village where we were to dine 
 and rest. There were the smells of the village, — the 
 smoke, the tar, and the sheepskins, and we heard the 
 sound of conversation, the tramp of steps, and the rattle 
 of wheels. The carriage bells no longer sounded as in 
 the open field, and on both sides cabins flew by with 
 their straw thatches, carved frame porches, and tiny 
 windows, with red and green shutters, through which 
 here and there stuck out the head of a curious woman. 
 Here were the village boys and girls in shirts only : open- 
 ing wide their eyes, and extending their arms, they stood 
 stock-still, or, tripping with tlieir bare feet in the dust, 
 ran, in spite of the threatening motions of Filipp, after the 
 carriages and endeavoured to chmb on the portmanteaus 
 which were tied behind. Now, red-haired tavern-keepers 
 came running to the carriages on both sides, and with 
 enticing words and gestures vied in the effort to attract 
 the travellers. " Whoa ! " the gate creaked, the catch held 
 it in place, and we drove into the courtyard. Four 
 hours of rest and freedom 1
 
 11. 
 
 THE STORM 
 
 The sun inclined to the west, and with its hot rays un- 
 bearably burnt my neck and cheeks. It was impossible 
 to touch the heated edges of the calash. Dense dust rose 
 along the road and filled the air. There was not the least 
 breeze to carry it off. In front of us, at a constant dis- 
 tance, shook the tall, dusty body of the coach with its 
 baggage, and beyond it now and then could be discerned 
 the whip which the coachman waved, and his hat and 
 Yakov's cap. I did not know what to do with myself; 
 neither the black, dust-covered face of Volddya, who was 
 dozing by my side, nor the movements of Tilipp's back, 
 nor the elongated shadow of our calash, which followed 
 us at an oblique angle, afforded me any distraction. All 
 my attention was directed to the verst-posts, which I no- 
 ticed at a distance, and to the clouds, which before were 
 scattered over the horizon and now assumed ominous, 
 black hues, and gathered into one gloomy storm-cloud. 
 Now and then rumbled a far-off peal of thunder. This 
 latter circumstance more than anything else increased my 
 impatience to reach a tavern at the earliest possible mo- 
 ment. The storm induced in me an inexpressibly heavy 
 feeling of melancholy and terror. 
 
 It was yet ten versts to the nearest village, when a 
 dark, lilac cloud arose, God knows where, without the 
 slightest wind, but nevertheless rapidly moved up toward 
 us. The sun, not yet overcast, brightly illuminated its 
 
 149
 
 160 BOYHOOD 
 
 sombre form and the gray streaks which ran down from 
 it to the horizon. At times lightning flashed in the dis- 
 tance, and I heard a weak din, which by degrees grew 
 louder, came nearer, and passed into uninterrupted peals 
 that resounded through the whole heavens. Vasili rose 
 from his seat and raised the top of the calash ; the coach- 
 men put on their sleeveless coats, and at every thunder- 
 clap doffed their caps, and made the sign of the cross ; the 
 horses pricked up their ears, expanded their nostrils, as if 
 to sniff the fresh air which was borne from the approach- 
 ing storm-cloud, and the calash ran faster over the dusty 
 road. 
 
 I was ill at ease, and felt my blood coursing faster in 
 my veins. Now the foremost clouds began to shroud the 
 sun ; now it peeped out for the last time, lighted up the 
 terribly gloomy side of the horizon, and disappeared. 
 The whole country was suddenly changed and assumed a 
 sombre aspect. Here, an aspen grove began to quiver; 
 its leaves turned turbidly white, brightly outlined against 
 the hlac background of the cloud, and they rustled and 
 whirled about. The tops of tall birches began to sway, 
 and tufts of dry grass flew across the road. Sand-martins 
 and white-breasted swallows flitted all about the calash, 
 as if wishing to stop it, and flew by the very breasts of 
 the horses ; jackdaws, with their disarranged wings, flew 
 somehow sideways along the wind. The corners of the 
 leather boot, which we had pinned over us, commenced to 
 rise, letting in streams of moist wind, and, flapping, struck 
 the body of the calash. Lightning flashed, in the very 
 calash it seemed, blinded our eyes, and for an instant 
 hghted up the gray cloth, the tasselled border, and 
 Volodya's figure crouching in a corner. At the same mo- 
 ment a majestic peal was heard over our heads, and it 
 rose higher and higher, wider and wider, on an immense 
 spiral, increased in strength, and passed into a deafening 
 roar, which made me tremble against my will, and hold
 
 THE STORM 151 
 
 my breath. God's auger ! How much poetry there is in 
 this popular couception ! 
 
 The wheels revolved faster and faster ; 1 could see by 
 the backs of Vasili and Filipp, who impatiently waved 
 his whip, that they, too, were afraid. The calash rapidly 
 descended a hill, and rattled over a board bridge ; I was 
 afraid to move, and every minute expected our common 
 destruction. 
 
 " Whoa ! " the trace-leather was torn, and we were 
 compelled to stop, in spite of the uninterrupted, deafening 
 peals. 
 
 Leaning my head against the edge of the calash, I fol- 
 lowed, in breathless expectancy, and against hope, the 
 movements of the fat, black fingers of Filipp, who leisurely 
 tied a knot and straightened out the traces, all the time 
 striking the off horse with the palm of his hand and with 
 the whip handle. 
 
 Agitated feelings of melancholy and terror grew apace 
 in me with the storm, but when the majestic moment of 
 silence came, which generally preceded the burst of storm, 
 these feehngs were so intensified that, if this condition 
 had lasted another fifteen minutes, I should have died of 
 excitement. Just then there issued from underneath the 
 bridge a human being, having on nothing but a dirty, 
 ragged shirt, with a swollen, meaningless countenance, a 
 shaking, close-cropped bare head, crooked, fleshless legs, 
 and a shining, red stump of a hand which he thrust 
 straight into the calash. 
 
 " Good people ! Give, for Christ's sake, to the poor 
 man ! " resounded his ailing voice, and the beggar made 
 the sign of the cross with each word, and bowed low to 
 the ground. 
 
 I cannot express the sensation of cold terror which at 
 that moment took possession of my soul. A chill ran 
 through my hair, and my eyes were directed to the beg- 
 gar with a blank stare of terror.
 
 162 BOYHOOD 
 
 Vasili handed the beggar some alms and instructed 
 Filipp in regard to the fastening of the trace-leather, and 
 when all was done, Filipp gathered up his lines, climbed 
 on his box, and began to fetch something out of his side 
 pocket. No sooner did we start, than a blinding flash of 
 lightning, which for a moment filled the ravine with a 
 sheet of fiery Hght, compelled the horses to stop ; without 
 the shghtest interval, it was accompanied by such a deaf- 
 ening crack of thunder that it seemed the whole vault of 
 heaven would cave in upon us. The wind grew stronger ; 
 the manes and tails of the horses, Vasili's cloak and the 
 edges of the boot took the same direction, and desperately 
 flapped in the gusts of the furious wind. A large drop of 
 rain fell upon the leather top of the calash ; then another, 
 a third, a fourth, and suddenly it sounded as if some one 
 had started drumming over our heads, and the whole 
 country resounded with the even pattering of the falling 
 rain. By the movement of Vasih's elbow I could tell 
 that he was untying his purse; the beggar continued 
 making the signs of the cross and the low obeisances, and 
 ran along so near the very wheels that I thought he would 
 be run over. " Give, for Christ's sake ! " Finally a cop- 
 per coin flew past us, and the pitiful creature, whose 
 dripping wet shirt closely fitted his lean body, swaying in 
 the wind, stopped perplexed in the middle of the road, and 
 disappeared from my sight. 
 
 The slanting rain was driven by the wind, and fell as 
 from a bucket ; streams ran down Vasih's frieze back and 
 into a puddle of turbid water, which had formed itself on 
 the boot. The dust, gathering up in globular form, was 
 changed into Hquid mud, which was kneaded by the 
 turning wheels. The jolts of the carriage became less 
 frequent, and streams of turbid water ran along the 
 clayey ruts. The hghtning flashed over a greater space 
 and was paler, and the bursts of thunder were not so 
 striking in the even patter of the rain.
 
 THE STORM 153 
 
 Then the rain fell in smaller drops; the storm-cloud 
 broke up into billowy cloudlets, and began to grow 
 brighter there where the sun ought to have been, and 
 through the gi-ayish-white edges of the cloud a patch of 
 pure azure was barely visible. A minute later, a timid 
 sunbeam glistened in the puddles of the road, upon strips 
 of drizzling rain that fell as through a sieve, and upon 
 the bright, rain-washed verdure along the highway. A 
 black cloud just as threateningly shrouded the opposite 
 side of the horizon, but I no longer was afraid of it. I 
 experienced an inexpressibly joyful sensation of the 
 hope of life, which rapidly took the place in me of the 
 heavy feeling of terror. My soul was as smiling as the 
 refreshed and gladsome Nature, 
 
 Vasili threw back the collar of his cloak, took ofif his 
 cap and shook it ; Volodya threw back the boot ; I put 
 my head out of the calash, and eagerly breathed the 
 fresh, aromatic air. The bright, washed body of the 
 coach with its portmanteaus and boxes swayed in front 
 of us ; the backs of the horses, the harness, the lines, the 
 tires, — everything was wet and glistened in the sun, as 
 if it were freshly varnished. 
 
 On one side of the road was a boundless field of winter 
 grain, which was here and there intercepted by shallow 
 hollows ; it gleamed with its wet earth and verdure, and 
 spread its shady carpet to the very horizon. On the 
 other side was an aspen grove, overgrown with hazel and 
 black alder bushes ; it stood as though in a superabun- 
 dance of happiness, without stirring, and slowly shed bright 
 drops of rain from its clean-washed branches on the dry 
 last year's leaves below. On all sides crested skylarks 
 circled with their merry songs, or rapidly swooped down ; 
 in the wet bushes could be heard the busy movements of 
 tiny birds, and from the middle of the grove resounded 
 the voice of the cuckoo. 
 
 So bewitching to me was the exquisite fragrance of
 
 154 BOYHOOD 
 
 the forest after a vernal storm, — the sweet odour of the 
 birches, the violets, the sere leaves, the clavarias, and the 
 bird-cheny, that I was not able to stay in the calash, 
 leaped down from the carriage step, ran into the bushes 
 and, paying no attention to the rain-drops that showered 
 down upon me, broke off some wet branches of budding 
 bird-cherry, and struck my face with it, intoxicating my- 
 self with its exquisite aroma, I did not even pay any 
 attention to the fact that immense clods of dirt were 
 sticking to my boots, and that my stockings were quite 
 wet, but, plashing through the mud, ran to the window 
 of the coach. 
 
 " Lyubochka ! Katenka ! " I cried, giving them a few 
 branches of bird-cherry. " Just see, how nice it is ! " 
 
 The girls screamed and went into ecstasies, and Mimi 
 cried that I should go away, or I would be run over. 
 
 " Just smell it, how nice it is ! " I cried.
 
 III. 
 
 A NEW VIEW 
 
 Katenka sat near me in the calash and, inclining 
 her pretty head, pensively followed the dusty road which 
 retreated under the wheels. I looked at her in silence, 
 and I was surprised at the unchildlike, sad expression which 
 I had observed for the first time upon her rosy face. 
 
 " Now, we shall soon be in Moscow," I said. " What 
 do you think of Moscow ? " 
 
 " I do not know," she answered, unwillingly. 
 
 " Anyway, what do you think ? Is it larger than Ser- 
 pukhov, or not ? " 
 
 " What ? " 
 
 "Oh, nothing." 
 
 But, with the instinctive feeling, with which one 
 guesses the thoughts of another, and which serves as the 
 guiding thread to a conversation, Katenka understood 
 that her indifference pained me. She raised her head, 
 and turned toward me. 
 
 " Papa told you that we are to live at grandmother's ? " 
 
 " He did. Grandmother wants us all to live together." 
 
 " And we shall all live there ? " 
 
 " Of course. We shall live up-stairs, occupying one 
 half, you the other, and papa the wing ; but we shall eat 
 together down-stairs, with grandmother." 
 
 " Mamma says that grandmother is such a serious 
 woman, and has such a quick temper." 
 
 155
 
 156 BOYHOOD 
 
 " N-no ! That seems so only at first. She is serious, 
 but not impatient ; on the contrary, she is good and jolly. 
 You ought to have seen what a party there was upon her 
 name day ! " 
 
 " Still, I am afraid of her ; and, besides, God knows 
 whether we shall — " 
 
 Kdtenka suddenly grew silent, and again fell to mus- 
 ing. 
 
 " Wha-at ? " I asked in agitation. 
 
 " Nothing, I just was thinking." 
 
 " No, you said : ' God knows.' " 
 
 " So you said that you had a party at grandmother's." 
 
 " Yes, it is a pity you were not there. There were a 
 lot of people, — a thousand people, — music, and generals, 
 and I danced. Katenka ! " I suddenly said, stopping in 
 the middle of my description, " you are not listening ! " 
 
 " Yes, I am ; you said that you were dancing." 
 
 " Why are you so sad ? " 
 
 " One can't always be merry." 
 
 " No, you have changed a great deal since we came 
 back from Moscow. Tell me truly," I added with a firm 
 glance, turning toward her, " why have you become so 
 strange ? " 
 
 " Am I ? " Kdtenka answered with animation, which 
 proved that my remark interested her. " I am not 
 strange at all." 
 
 " No, you are not the same you used to be," I con- 
 tinued. " Formerly it was evident that you were one 
 with us in everything, that you regarded us as your rela- 
 tives and loved us as we love you ; but now you have 
 become so solemn, and you keep away from us — " 
 
 " Not at all ! " 
 
 " No, let me finish," I interrupted her, as I began to 
 feel a light tickling in my nose, which preceded the tears 
 that always stood in my eyes when I expressed a long 
 repressed secret thought. " You keep away from us, and
 
 A NEW VIEW 157 
 
 talk only with Mimi, as though you did not wish to 
 know us." 
 
 " A person can't always be one and the same ; one has 
 to change sometime," answered Katenka, who was in the 
 habit of explaining everything by a certain fatalistic 
 necessity, whenever she did not know what to say. 
 
 I recalled how once, when she had quarrelled with 
 Lyubochka, who had called her a " silly girl," she had 
 answered : " Not everybody can be clever, somebody has 
 to be silly," but I was not satisfied with the answer that 
 one has to change sometime, so I continued my inquiry : 
 
 " But why must one ? " 
 
 " We shall not be living together all the time," Katenka 
 answered, lightly blushing and looking fixedly at Filipp's 
 back. " Mamma was able to stay at the house of your 
 mother, who was her friend ; but it is yet a question 
 whether she will be able to get along with the countess, 
 who, they say, is such an irritable woman. And, besides, 
 we shall have to part sometime: you are rich, — you 
 have the Petrovskoe estate, and we are poor, — mamma 
 has nothing." 
 
 " You are rich, we are poor," these words and the con- 
 ceptions which were connected with them appeared 
 uncommonly strange to me. According to the ideas 
 which I then had, only beggars and peasants could be 
 poor, and I in no way was able in my imagination to con- 
 nect this idea of poverty with graceful, pretty Katenka. 
 It seemed to me that Mimi and Katenka, who had always 
 lived with us, would remain with us for ever, and that 
 everything would be divided equally. It could not be 
 otherwise. Now, a thousand new, indistinct ideas in 
 regard to their lonely condition nestled in my brain, and 
 I felt so ashamed that we were rich, and they poor, that I 
 blushed and could not take courage to look up into 
 Katenka's face. 
 
 " What of it, if we are rich, and they poor ? " I thought,
 
 158 BOYHOOD 
 
 " and how does the necessity for our separation follow from 
 it ? Why can't we divide equally what we have ? " But 
 I understood that it was not proper to speak with K^tenka 
 about it, and a certain practical instinct told me, in oppo- 
 sition to my logical observations, that she was right, and 
 that it would be out of place to explain my thought to 
 her. 
 
 " You really mean to leave us ? " I said ; " but how are 
 we going to live separately ? " 
 
 " What is to be done ? I am sorry myself. Only, 
 when this happens, I know what I shall do — " 
 
 " You will become an actress ! What nonsense ! " I 
 interrupted her, for I knew that it was her favourite dream 
 to become an actress. 
 
 " No, I used to say that when I was Httle." 
 
 " Then, what are you going to do ? " 
 
 " I will go to a monastery to live, and I will wear a 
 black dress and a velvet bonnet." 
 
 Kdtenka burst out weeping. 
 
 My reader, have you ever happened to notice at a cer- 
 tain stage of your life, how your view of things completely 
 changed, as though all the things which you used to know, 
 heretofore, suddenly turned a different, unfamihar side to 
 you ? Some such moral transformation took place in me 
 for the first time, during our journey, and from this I 
 count the beginning of my boyhood. 
 
 I obtained for the first time a clear idea of the fact that 
 we, that is, our family, were not alone in the world, that 
 not all interests centred about us, and that there was 
 another life for people who had nothing in common with 
 us, who did not care for us, and who even did not have 
 any idea of our existence. To be sure, I knew it before ; 
 but I did not know it in the same manner as now, — I 
 was not conscious of it, did not feel it, 
 
 A thought passes into a conviction only by one certain 
 road, which is frequently quite unexpected and diiBFerent
 
 A NEW VIEW 159 
 
 from the roads which other minds pass over, in order 
 to obtain the same conviction. My conversation with 
 Kdtenka, which had touched me so powerfully, and had 
 caused me to consider her future position, was that road 
 for me. When I looked at the villages and towns, through 
 which we passed, where in every house lived at least one 
 such family as ours, at the women and children, who with 
 a moment's curiosity gazed at the carriage, and then for 
 ever disappeared from view, at the shopkeepers and peas- 
 ants, who not only did not greet us, as I was used to being 
 greeted at Petrovskoe, but did not even favour us with their 
 glances, — the question for the first time troubled me, 
 what it was that could interest them, if they did not at 
 all care for us. And from this question originated others. 
 What they lived by, and how ? How they were educated ? 
 Whether people taught them, and let them play, and how 
 they punished them ? and so forth.
 
 IV. 
 
 AT MOSCOW 
 
 Upon arriving at Moscow, my changed view of things 
 and men, and my relation to them became even more per- 
 ceptible. 
 
 When, at my first meeting with grandmother, I saw her 
 thin, wrinkled face and dim eyes, my feelings of servile 
 respect and awe, which I used to experience before her, 
 gave way to compassion ; and when she, burying her face 
 in Lyiibochka's head, sobbed as if the body of her be- 
 loved daughter were before her eyes, my compassion was 
 changed even into a feeling of affection. I felt ill at 
 ease, when I saw her grief at our first meeting. I was 
 conscious of the fact that we were nothing in her eyes in 
 our own persons, and that we were dear to her only as a 
 memory ; I felt that in every kiss, which she showered 
 upon my cheeks, only this thought was expressed : she is 
 no more, she is dead, and I shall never see her again ! 
 
 Papa, who in Moscow paid very little attention to us, 
 and, with an ever worried face, came to us only for din- 
 ner, in a black coat or dress coat, together with his tall 
 shirt collars, with his wadded morning-gown, his village 
 elders, stewards, visits to the threshing-floor and hunts, 
 had lost much in my eyes. Karl Ivanovich, whom grand- 
 mother called " valet," and who, God knows why, had sud- 
 denly taken it into his head to exchange his respectable, 
 famihar bald head for a red wig with a straight parting 
 almost in the middle, appeared so odd and ridiculous to 
 
 IGO
 
 AT MOSCOW 161 
 
 me, that I wondered how it was I had never noticed it 
 before. 
 
 An invisible barrier had arisen also between the girls 
 and ourselves. We all had secrets of our own. They 
 evidently were proud of their skirts, which were getting 
 longer, and we were proud of our pantaloons with straps. 
 Mimi on the first Sunday came to dinner in such a swell 
 dress and vdth such ribbons upon her head, that one could 
 see at once we were no longer in the country, and every- 
 thing would go differently now.
 
 MY ELDER BROTHER 
 
 I WAS only a year and a few months younger than 
 Volodya; we grew up, studied, and always played to- 
 gether. No distinction of elder and younger was made 
 between us; but just about this time of which I am 
 speaking, I began to understand that Volodya was not 
 my companion either in years, inclinations, or abiHty. It 
 even seemed to me that Volodya himself recognized his 
 seniority, and was proud of it. This impression, how- 
 ever false it may have been, inspired me with an egoism 
 which suffered at every conflict with him. He stood 
 higher than I in everything : in games, in study, in dis- 
 putes, in the ability to carry himself, — and all this 
 removed me from him, and caused me to experience in- 
 comprehensible moral suffering. If, when Volodya for 
 the first time received Dutch shirts with turned down 
 collars, I had said straight out that I was angry because 
 I did not have such myself, I am sure I should have felt 
 more at ease, and should not have thought every time he 
 fixed his collar that he was doing it only to annoy me. 
 
 I was vexed most of all by the fact that Vol6dya 
 seemed to understand me but tried to conceal it. 
 
 Who has not noticed those mysterious, wordless rela- 
 tions which manifest themselves in a scarcely visible 
 smile, in the motion or glance of persons who always live 
 together, in brothers, friends, husband and wife, master 
 and servant, especially when these people are not entirely 
 
 162
 
 MY ELDER BROTHER 1G3 
 
 open to each other ? How many unuttered desires, 
 thoughts, and fears of not being understood are expressed 
 in one casual glance, when your eyes meet timidly and 
 with indecision ! 
 
 But, it may be, my excessive sensibility and tendency 
 for analysis deceived me in this respect ; it may be, 
 Vol(5dya did not feel at all as I did. He was impassioned, 
 open, and inconstant in his emotions. When he was 
 carried away by any matter whatsoever, he gave himself 
 up to it with his whole soul. 
 
 Suddenly he would be smitten with a passion for pic- 
 tures : he immediately began to paint, bought pictures 
 with all his pocket money, begged them of his teacher of 
 drawing, from papa, and from grandmother; or with 
 a passion for trifles with which to adorn his table, and 
 which he, therefore, gathered up all over the house ; or 
 with a passion for novels, which he secretly procured and 
 read for days and nights at a time. I was involuntarily 
 carried away by his passions, but was too proud to follow 
 in his footsteps, and too young and dependent to choose 
 a road for myself. I envied nothing so much as Volodya's 
 fehcitous, noble, and open-hearted character, which was 
 expressed with particular precision in the quarrels which 
 arose between us. I felt that he was doing right, but I 
 was unable to imitate him. 
 
 Once, while his passion for things was at white heat, I 
 walked up to his table and by chance broke an empty, 
 gaily coloured bottle. 
 
 " Who asked you to touch my things ? " said Yolodya, 
 who had just entered the room and noticed the disorder 
 which I had produced in the symmetry of the various 
 ornaments on his table. " And where is the bottle ? I 
 am sure, you — " 
 
 " Accidentally dropped it, and it was broken. I am 
 sorry." 
 
 " Do me the favour, and never dare to touch any of my
 
 164 BOYHOOD 
 
 things again," he said, putting together the pieces of the 
 broken bottle, and looking at them with deep regret. 
 
 " Please do not command" I answered. " I have 
 broken it, and that is the end of it ; what is the use of 
 saying anything about it ? " 
 
 And I smiled, although I did not feel in the least like 
 smihng. 
 
 " Yes, it is nothing to you, but it is much to me," 
 continued Volodya, shrugging his shoulder, which gesture 
 he had inherited from papa. " You broke it, and now 
 you laugh ! What an unbearable urchin ! " 
 
 " I am an urchin, and you are big and stupid." 
 
 " I do not intend having any words with you," said 
 Vol6dya, lightly brushing me aside. " Gret away ! " 
 
 "Don't push me ! " 
 
 " Get away ! " 
 
 " I tell you, don't push me ! " 
 
 Volodya took hold of my arm, and was about to pull 
 me away from the table, but I was in the highest degree 
 excited, and so I seized the leg of the table, and upset it. 
 
 " There you have it ! " and all the porcelain and crystal 
 ornaments fell to the ground with a crash. 
 
 " Disgusting urchin ! " cried Volodya, trying to catch 
 the falling objects. 
 
 " Well, now everything is ended between us," thought 
 I, as I left the room. "We shall be enemies from 
 now on." 
 
 We did not speak with each other until evening. I 
 felt I was guilty, was afraid to look at him, and could 
 not do a thing all day ; Vol6dya, on the contrary, studied 
 well, and, as usual, chatted and laughed with the girls 
 after dinner. 
 
 The moment our teacher was through with our lesson, 
 I left the room, for I felt ill at ease, awkward, and 
 ashamed in the presence of my brother. After our even- 
 ing lesson in history, I took my copy-books and started
 
 MY ELDER BROTHER 165 
 
 for the door. When 1 passed by Volodya, I felt at heart 
 like going to him and making up with him, but I pouted 
 and tried to look angry. Volddya just happened to raise 
 his head, and he looked at me with a barely noticeable, 
 open-hearted, derisive smile. Our eyes met, and I knew 
 that he understood me, and that he understood that I 
 knew that he understood, but some irresistible feeling 
 made me turn away. 
 
 " Nikolenka ! " he said to me in the simplest, not in the 
 least pathetic voice, " stop pouting. Pardon me, if I have 
 offended you." 
 
 And he gave me his hand. 
 
 I felt as if something was rising in my throat and 
 choking me ; but that lasted only a minute ; tears rolled 
 down my eyes, and I felt better. 
 
 " For — give — me — Vol — dya ! " said I, pressing his 
 hand. 
 
 Volddya looked at me as though he could not under- 
 stand why the tears were in my eyes.
 
 VI. 
 
 MASHA 
 
 Not one of the changes which had taken place, in my 
 view of things, was so striking, so far as I myself was 
 concerned, as the one by which I ceased to see in one of 
 our chambermaids merely a female servant, and began to 
 see, instead, a woman, on whom, in a certain degree, my 
 peace and happiness might depend. As far i3ack as I can 
 remember myself, I remember Masha in our house, but 
 never had I paid the slightest attention to her, before 
 the incident had taken place which completely changed 
 my view of her, and which I shall now relate. M4sha 
 was about twenty-five years old, when I was fourteen. 
 She was very pretty, but I am afraid to describe her, lest 
 my imagination should reproduce the enchanting and de- 
 ceptive image which formed itself during my passion. 
 Not to make any mistake, I shall only say that she 
 was uncommonly white, voluptuously developed, and a 
 woman, — and I was fourteen years old. 
 
 In one of those moments, when with lesson in hand 
 one paces up and down the room, trying to step only on 
 the cracks between the deals, or sings some senseless air, 
 or smears ink over the edges of the table, or repeats some 
 meaningless words, — in short, in one of those moments, 
 when the mind refuses to work, and the imagination is 
 uppermost and seeks impressions, I left the class-room 
 and aimlessly went to the landing of the stairs. 
 
 Somebody was ascending the stairs in shoes, at the 
 
 166
 
 MASHA 167 
 
 lower turn of the staircase. Of course, I wanted to know 
 who it was, but suddenly the noise of the steps died 
 down, and I heard Masha's voice : " Please don't ! Stop 
 your nonsense! If Marya Ivanovna should come upon 
 you, it would go ill with you ! " 
 
 " She will not come," I heard Volddya's voice in a 
 whisper, and right after something rustled, as if Volodya 
 were trying to hold her back. 
 
 " Where are you putting your hand ? For shame ! " 
 and Masha, with her kerchief awry on her head, display- 
 ing her full white neck, rushed by me. 
 
 I can't explain how this discovery surprised me ; but 
 the feehng of surprise soon gave way to the feeling of 
 sympathy for Volodya's act. I did not so much marvel 
 at his deed, as at his conclusion that it was agreeable to 
 act thus. I involuntarily wanted to imitate him. 
 
 I often passed hours at a time upon the landing of the 
 staircase, listening with the closest attention to the 
 slightest movements above me ; but I could never bring 
 myself to imitate Volodya, though I wished to do that 
 more than anything else in the world. At times I hid 
 behind the door, and with a heavy feeling of envy and 
 jealousy listened to the disturbance in the maids' room, 
 and I wondered what my situation would be if I walked 
 up-stairs and tried to kiss Masha, just as Volodya had 
 done. What should I have said with my broad nose 
 and towering tufts of hair, if she had asked me what I 
 wanted there ? At times I heard Masha speaking to 
 Volodya : 
 
 " This is a true punishment ! Why do you annoy me 
 so much ! Go away from here, naughty boy. Why does 
 Nikolay Petrovich never come here, and bother me ? " 
 
 She did not know that Nikolay Petrdvich was at that 
 moment sitting under the staircase, and that he would 
 gladly have given everything in the world, if he could 
 be in the place of naughty Volodya.
 
 168 BOYHOOD 
 
 I was bashful by nature, and my bashfulness only 
 increased my conviction that I was homely. I am con- 
 vinced that nothing has such a telling influence upon the 
 direction of a man's life as his looks, and not so much 
 his looks as his conviction of their attractiveness or 
 unattractiveness. 
 
 I was too egoistic to get used to my situation, and 
 tried to convince myself, Hke the fox, that the grapes 
 were yet too green ; that is, I tried to despise all the 
 pleasures which are brought about by a pleasant counte- 
 nance, such as, in my opinion, Volddya enjoyed, and 
 such as I envied with all my heart, and I exerted all 
 the powers of mind and imagination to find pleasure 
 in haughty solitude.
 
 vn. 
 
 SHOT 
 
 " LOED, powder ! " cried out Mimi, in a voice of 
 breathless agitation. " What are you doing ? You want 
 to burn the house, and to ruin us all — " 
 
 And Mimi ordered, with an indescribable expression of 
 fortitude, all persons present to step aside, strutted with 
 firm steps up to the scattered shot, and, despising all 
 danger which might be produced from a sudden explo- 
 sion, began to tramp it with her feet. When the dan- 
 ger, in her opinion, was passed, she called Mikh^y and 
 ordered him to throw all that "powder" as far away 
 as possible, or, better still, into the water, and, proudly 
 shaking her cap, directed her steps to the drawing- 
 room. " They are watching them well, I must say," 
 she grumbled. 
 
 When papa came from the wing, and we went together 
 to grandmother, Mimi was already sitting in the room 
 near the window, and sternly looked beyond the door 
 with a certain mysterious and official glance. In her 
 hand was something wrapped in several folds of paper. 
 I guessed that it was the shot, and that grandmother, no 
 doubt, knew everything. 
 
 Besides Mimi, there were in grandmother's room cham- 
 bermaid Gasha, who, to judge from her angry red face, 
 was greatly agitated, and Doctor Blumenthal, a small, 
 pockmarked man, who was trying in vain to quiet 
 
 169
 
 170 BOYHOOD 
 
 G&ha, by making with his eyes and head some mysteri- 
 ous, pacifying signs to her. 
 
 Grandmother herself was sitting a Httle to one side, 
 and was laying out a sohtaire, a " Traveller," which 
 always signified a very inauspicious frame of mind. 
 
 " How are you feehng to-day, mamma ? Have you 
 rested well ? " asked papa, respectfully kissing her hand. 
 
 "Nicely, my dear. I think you know that I am 
 always well," answered grandmother, in a tone which 
 indicated that the question was very much out of place 
 and offensive. " Well, are you going to give me a clean 
 handkerchief ? " she continued, turning to Gasha. 
 
 " I have handed it to you," answered G^sha, pointing 
 to a snow-white batiste handkerchief, which was lying on 
 the arm of the chair. 
 
 " Take away this dirty rag, and give me a clean hand- 
 kerchief, my dear ! " 
 
 Gasha walked up to the chiffonier, pulled out a drawer, 
 and slammed it so hard that the windows of the room 
 began to rattle. Grandmother looked sternly at all of us, 
 and continued to watch aU the movements of the cham- 
 bermaid. When she handed to her, as it seemed to 
 me, the same handkerchief, grandmother said: 
 
 " And when are you going to crush some snuff for me, 
 my dear ? " 
 
 " I will crush it, if I have time." 
 
 " What did you say ? " 
 
 " I will crush it to-day." 
 
 " If you do not wish to serve with me, my dear, you 
 ought to say so ; I should have let you off long ago." 
 
 "You may let me off; I sha'n't cry," grumbled the 
 chambermaid, half aloud. 
 
 Just then the doctor began to beckon to her, but she 
 looked at him so angrily and firmly, that he immediately 
 dropped his head, and busied himself with his watch-key. 
 
 " You see, my dear," said grandmother, turning to
 
 SHOT 171 
 
 papa, when Gasha, continuiug to grumble, left the room, 
 " how they treat me in my own house ? " 
 
 " Permit me, mamma, I shall crush some snuff for you, 
 myself," said papa, who, evidently, was much perplexed 
 by this unexpected behaviour. 
 
 " No, thank you : she is so impudent because she 
 knows that no one else knows so well how to crush the 
 snuff as I like it. You know, my dear," continued grand- 
 mother, after a moment's silence, " that your children 
 came very near burning the house to-day ? " 
 
 Papa looked with respectful curiosity at grandmother. 
 
 " Yes, that is what they are playing witli Show it 
 to him," she said, turning to Mimi. 
 
 Papa took the shot in his hand, and could not help 
 smiling. 
 
 " But this is shot," he said, " and it is not at all 
 dangerous." 
 
 " Thank you, my dear, for instructing me, only I am 
 a little too old — " 
 
 " Nerves, nerves ! " whispered the doctor. 
 
 And papa forthwith turned to us : 
 
 " Where did you get it ? and how dare you play with 
 such things ? " 
 
 " You do not have to ask them, but you had better 
 ask the valet" said grandmother, pronouncing the word 
 " valet " with especial contempt. " That is the way he is 
 watching." 
 
 " Voldemar said that Karl Ivanovich himself had 
 given him this powder," Mimi hastened to add. 
 
 " Now, you see what a fine man he is," continued 
 grandmother. " And where is he, that valet, what do 
 you call him ? Send for liim ! " 
 
 " I have given him permission to make some visits," 
 said papa. 
 
 " That is no reason. He ought always to be here. 
 The children are not mine, but yours, and I have no
 
 172 BOYHOOD 
 
 right to advise you, because you are wiser than I," con- 
 tinued grandmother, "but it seems to me, it is time to 
 get a tutor for them, and not a valet, a German churl. 
 Yes, a stupid churl who can't teach them anything but 
 bad manners and Tyrolese songs. I ask you, what need 
 have your children to know how to sing Tyrolese songs ? 
 However, now there is nobody to think of these things, 
 and you may do as you please." 
 
 The word " now " meant " since they have no mother," 
 and it called forth sad memories in grandmother's heart. 
 She lowered her eyes upon the snuff-box with a portrait 
 upon it, and fell to musing. 
 
 " I have been thinking of it for quite awhile," papa 
 hastened to say, " and had intended to take counsel with 
 you, mamma. Had I not better propose the place to St. 
 J^r8me, who has been giving them hour lessons ? " 
 
 " You will do well, my dear," said grandmother, no 
 longer in the dissatisfied voice in which she had been 
 speaking. " St. Jerome is at least a tutor, who will know 
 how to manage des enfants de bonne maison, and not an 
 ordinary menin valet, who is only good to take them out 
 for an airing." 
 
 " I will speak to him to-morrow," said papa. 
 
 Two days after this conversation, Karl Iv^novich really 
 gave up his place to the young French dandy.
 
 VIII. 
 
 THE HISTORY OF KARL IVANOVICH 
 
 Late in the evening preceding the day when Karl 
 Iv^novich was for ever to leave us, he stood in his wadded 
 gown and red cap near his bed and, bending over his 
 portmanteau, packed his things with great care. 
 
 Toward the end Karl Ivanovich's behaviour to us was 
 exceedingly formal ; he seemed to avoid all relations with 
 us. Even now, when I entered the room, he looked at 
 me askance, and again betook himself to his work. I lay 
 down on my bed, and Karl Ivanovich, who formerly used 
 to forbid it, said not a word to me, and the thought that 
 be no longer would scold us, nor stop us, and that he had 
 no business with us, vividly reminded me of the impend- 
 ing separation. I felt sad because he no longer loved us, 
 and I wished to express this feeling to him. 
 
 " Permit me to help you, Karl Ivanovich," I said, ap- 
 proaching him. 
 
 He looked at me and again turned away, but in the 
 cursory glance which he cast upon me I read not indif- 
 ference, by which I explained his coldness, but genuine 
 and concentrated sorrow. 
 
 " God sees everything and knows everything, and His 
 holy will is in everything," he said, straightening himself 
 out the full length of his stature, and drawing a deep 
 breath. " Yes, Nikolenka," he continued, when he no- 
 ticed the expression of sincere sympathy with which I 
 was looking at him, " it has been my fate to be unhappy 
 
 173
 
 174 BOYHOOD 
 
 from my earliest childhood to my grave. I have always 
 been paid with evil for the good which I have done 
 people, and my reward is not here, but there," he said, 
 pointing to heaven. " If you knew my history and all I 
 have suffered in this life ! I was a shoemaker, I was a 
 soldier, I was a deserter, I was a manufacturer, I was a 
 teacher, and now I am zero, and I have, like the Son of 
 God, no place where to lay my head," he concluded and, 
 closing his eyes, dropped down into his chair. 
 
 Noticing that Karl Ivdnovich was in that sentimental 
 frame of mind when he paid no attention to his hearers 
 and expressed his secret thoughts to himself, I seated 
 myself on my bed, and in silence fixed my eyes on his 
 good face. 
 
 "You are not a child, you can understand! I shall 
 tell you my history and all I have suffered in this 
 life. Some day you will think of your old friend who 
 loved you children very much ! " 
 
 Karl Ivanovich leaned with his arm against the small 
 table which was standing near him, took a pinch of snuff, 
 and, rolling his eyes to heaven, began his story in that 
 peculiar, even, guttural voice, in which he generally dic- 
 tated to us : 
 
 " I vos unhappy even in de lap of my moder. Das 
 Unglilck verfolgte mich schon im Schosse meiner Mutter ! " 
 he repeated with greater feeling. 
 
 Since Karl Ivanovich told me his history often after- 
 ward, following the same order, and using the same ex- 
 pressions and ever unchanged intonations, I hope I shall 
 be able to render it almost word for word, except, of 
 course, for the irregularities of language, of which the 
 reader may judge by the first sentence. I have not yet 
 decided whether it was his real history, or the production 
 of his fancy, which originated during his lonely hfe in our 
 house, and which he had himself come to believe from 
 his frequent repetitions, or whether he had adorned the
 
 THE HISTORY OF KARL IVANOVICH 175 
 
 actual facts of his life with fantastic incidents. On the 
 one hand, he told his history with too much feehng and 
 methodical consistency, which form the chief character- 
 istics of verisimilitude, not to be beheved ; on the other 
 hand, there were too many poetical beauties in his history, 
 so that these very beauties provoked doubt. 
 
 " Through my veins courses the noble blood of the 
 Counts of Sommerblatt ! In meinen Adernjiiesst das edle 
 Blut der Graf en von Sommerblatt ! I was born six 
 weeks after the wedding. The husband of my mother (I 
 called him father) was a tenant at Count von Sommer- 
 blatt's. He could not forget my mother's shame, and did 
 not like me. I had a smaller brother, Johann, and two 
 sisters ; but I was a stranger in my own family ! Ich 
 war ein Fremder in meiner eigenen Familie ! When Jo- 
 hann did anything naughty, father said : ' I shall not have 
 a moment of peace with this child Karl ! ' and I was 
 scolded and punished. When my sisters quarrelled, father 
 said : ' Karl will never be an obedient child ! ' and I was 
 scolded and punished. Only my good mother loved and 
 petted me. She frequently said to me, ' Karl, come here, 
 into my room ! ' and she softly kissed me. ' Poor, poor 
 Karl,' she said, ' nobody loves you, but I would not ex- 
 change you for anybody. Your mother asks only this of 
 you,' she said to me, ' study well, and be always an 
 honest man, and God will not abandon you ! ' ' Trachte 
 nur ein ehrlicher Deutscher zu werden,' sagte sis, ' und der 
 liehe Gott wird dich nicht verlassen ! ' And I tried. 
 
 " When I was fourteen years old, and I could go to con- 
 firmation, mother said to father : ' Karl is now a grown- 
 up boy, Gustav. What are we going to do with him ? ' 
 And father said : ' I do not know.' Then mother said : 
 ' We shall take him to town to Mr. Schulz, so he may be- 
 come a shoemaker ! ' and father said : ' All right ! ' und 
 mein Vater sagte : ' Gut ! ' I lived six years and seven 
 months in town with my master, the shoemaker, and my
 
 176 BOYHOOD 
 
 master loved me. He said : ' Karl is a good workman, 
 and he will soon be my Geselle ! * but man proposes, and 
 God disposes. In 1796 a general conscription was an- 
 nounced, and everybody who could serve, from eighteen 
 years of age to twenty-one, was to appear in town. 
 
 " Father and brother Johann arrived in town, and we 
 all went together to cast a Loos, who was to be Soldat, 
 and who was not to be Soldat. Johann drew a bad 
 number, — he was to be Soldat ; I drew a good number, 
 — I was not to be Soldat. And father said : ' I had an 
 only son, and I have to part from him ! ' ' Ich hatte einen 
 einzigen Sohn, und von diesem rmiss ich mich trennen ! ' 
 
 " I took his hand and said : ' Why do you say so, 
 father ? Come with me, and I will tell you something,' 
 And father went. Father went, and we seated ourselves 
 in the inn at a small table. ' Give us two Bierkrug ! ' 
 I said, and they brought them to us. We drank a glass 
 each, and brother Johann drank also. 
 
 " ' Father ! ' I said, ' do not say that you had an only 
 son, and that you have to part from him ! My heart 
 wants to jump out, when I hear this. Brother Johann 
 shall not serve, — I wiU be Soldat. Karl is of no use 
 here to anybody, and Karl will be Soldat.' 
 
 " ' You are an honest man, Karl Ivanovich ! ' said 
 father to me and kissed me. ' Du hist ein braver Bursche ! ' 
 sagte mir mein Vater und JcUsste mich ! 
 
 " And I became Soldat."
 
 IX. 
 
 CONTINUATION 
 
 " Then was a terrible time, Nik61enka," continued 
 Karl Ivanovich, — " then was Napoleon. He wanted to 
 conquer Germany, and we defended our country to our 
 last drop of blood ! und wir vertheidigten unser Vaterland 
 his auf den letzten Tropfen Blut ! 
 
 " I was at Ulm, I was at Austerlitz ! I was at Wagram ! 
 Ich ivar bei Wagram ! " 
 
 " Did you yourself take part in the battles ? " I asked 
 him, looking at him in wonderment. "Did you kill 
 people yourself ? " 
 
 Karl Ivanovich soon quieted me in regard to this. 
 
 " Once a French Grenadier lagged behind his own, and 
 fell down on the road. I ran up to him with my gun, 
 and wanted to pierce him, aher der Franzose war/ sein 
 Gewehr und rief Pardon, and I let him alone ! 
 
 "At Wagram Napoleon drove us to an island, and 
 surrounded us so that it was impossible to escape. We 
 had no provision for three days, and we stood up to our 
 knees in water. Miscreant Napoleon neither took us 
 prisoners, nor let us get away ! U7id der Bosevjicht Napo- 
 leon wollte uns nicht gefangen nehmen und auch nicht 
 freilassen ! 
 
 " On the fourth day, thank the Lord, we were taken 
 prisoners, and were led into a fortress. I had my blue 
 pantaloons, a uniform of good cloth, fifteen thalers of 
 money and a silver watch, a present from my father. 
 
 177
 
 178 BOYHOOD 
 
 A French Soldat took it all away from me. Fortunately 
 I had three ducats which mother had sewed up imder my 
 jacket. Nobody found them ! 
 
 " I did not wish to stay long in the fortress, and so I 
 decided to run. Once, upon a great holiday, I said to the 
 sergeant who was watching us : * Mr. Sergeant, to-day is 
 a great holiday, and I want to celebrate it. Bring me, 
 if you please, a bottle of Madeira, and we will drink it 
 together.' And the sergeant said 'AH right!' When 
 the sergeant brought the Madeira, and we had drunk a 
 wine-glass full, I took his hand, and said : ' Mr. Sergeant, 
 you probably have a father and a mother, too.' He said : 
 ' I have, Mr. Mauer.' ' My parents,' I said, ' have not 
 seen me for eight years, and they do not know whether I 
 am alive, or whether my bones have long been lying in 
 the damp earth. Mr. Sergeant ! I have two ducats 
 that were under my jacket, — take them, and let me off ! 
 Be my benefactor, and my mother will pray to the Al- 
 mighty for you all her life.' 
 
 " The sergeant drank a glass of Madeira and said : ' Mr. 
 Mauer, I love you and pity you very much, only you are 
 a captive, and I am a Soldat ! ' I pressed his hand and 
 said : ' Mr. Sergeant ! ' Ich driickte ihm die Hand und 
 sagte : ' Herr Serjant ! ' 
 
 "And the sergeant said: 'You are a poor man, and 
 I will not take your money, but I will help you. When I 
 go to bed, buy a pail of brandy for the Soldat, and they 
 will sleep. I will not see you.' 
 
 " He was a good man. I bought a pail of brandy, and 
 when the Soldat were drunk, I put on my boots and an 
 old cloak, and went softly out into the yard. I went on 
 the rampart, and wanted to jump, but there was water 
 below, and I did not want to spoil my last garment I 
 went to the gate. 
 
 " A sentinel was going auf und ah with his gun, and 
 he looked at me : ' Qui vive ? ' sagte er auf ein Mai, and I
 
 CONTINUATION 179 
 
 was silent. ' Qui vive ? ' sagte er zum zweiten Mai, and 
 I was silent. ' Qui vive ? ' sagte er zum dritten Mai, 
 and I ran. I jumped into the water, climbed up the other 
 side, and ran. Ich sprang in's Wasser, kletterte auf die 
 andcre Seite und machte mich aus dem Staube. 
 
 " The whole night I ran along the road, but when it 
 dawned, I was afraid I should be recognized, so I hid 
 myself in the high rye. There I knelt, folded my hands, 
 thanked the Heavenly Father for my salvation, and fell 
 asleep with a peaceful feeling. Ich dankte dem Allmach- 
 tigen Gott fiir seine Barmherzigkeit und mit heruhigtem 
 Gefuhl schlief ich ein. 
 
 " I awoke in the evening and walked on. Suddenly a 
 large German wagon with two black horses overtook me. 
 In the wagon sat a well-dressed man, who smoked a pipe 
 and looked at me. I went slower, to let the wagon get 
 by me ; but as I went slowly, so did the wagon, and the 
 man looked at me. I went faster, and the wagon went 
 faster, and the man looked at me. I sat down near the 
 road ; the man stopped his horses, and looked at me. 
 ' Young man,' he said, ' whither are you going so late ? ' 
 I said : ' I am going to Frankfurt.' ' Get into my wagon, 
 there is a place here, and I will take you there. Why 
 have you nothing with you, why is your beard not shaven, 
 and why are all your clothes dirty ? ' said he to me, when 
 I took my seat. ' I am a poor man,' I said, ' and I want 
 to find some place in a factory ; and my garments are 
 dirty because I fell down on the road.' ' You are not 
 telling the truth, young man,' he said, ' the roads are dry 
 now.' 
 
 " And I was silent. 
 
 " ' Tell me the whole truth,' said the good man to me, 
 ' who you are, and whence you are coming ! I like your 
 face, and, if you are an honest man, I will help you.' 
 
 " And I told him everything. He said : ' All right, 
 young man, come with me to my rope factory. I will
 
 180 BOYHOOD 
 
 give you work, clothes, and money, and you shall lire 
 with me.' 
 
 " And I said : ' All right ! ' 
 
 " We came to the rope factory, and the good man said 
 to his wife : ' Here is a young man who has fought for his 
 country and has run away from captivity. He has no 
 home nor clothes nor bread. He will live with me. 
 Give him clean linen and feed him.' 
 
 " I lived for a year and a half in the rope factory, and 
 my master Kked me so much that he did not wish to let 
 me go. And I was happy there. I was then a hand- 
 some man : I was young, tall, had blue eyes, and a Roman 
 
 nose, and Madame L (I cannot tell you her name), 
 
 the wife of my master, was a young, beautiful lady. And 
 she fell in love with me. 
 
 " When she saw me, she said : ' Mr. Mauer, how does 
 your mother call you ? ' I said : ' Karlchen.' 
 
 " And she said, ' Karlchen, sit down by my side ! ' 
 
 " I sat down beside her, and she said : ' Karlchen, kiss 
 me!' 
 
 " I kissed her, and she said : * Karlchen, I love you so 
 much that I can't stand it any longer,' and she began to 
 tremble." 
 
 Here Karl Ivanovich made a protracted pause and, 
 rolling his good blue eyes and lightly shaking his head, 
 smiled, as people always smile under the influence of 
 agreeable reminiscences. 
 
 " Yes," he began once more, fixing himself in his chair, 
 and wrapping his gown about him, " I have experienced 
 many good and bad things in my life, but here is my 
 witness," he said, pointing to an image of the Saviour, 
 embroidered on canvas, which hung over his bed, " no- 
 body can say that Karl Ivanovich is a dishonest man ! I 
 did not wish to repay by black ingratitude the good which 
 
 Mr. L had done me, and I decided to run away. In 
 
 the evening, when all were asleep, I wrote a letter to my
 
 CONTINUATION 181 
 
 master which I placed on the table in my room ; then I 
 took my clothes and three thalers of money, and softly 
 went into the street. Nobody saw me, and I walked 
 along the road."
 
 CONTINUATION 
 
 " I HAD not seen my mother for nine years, and I did 
 not know whether she was alive, or whether her bones 
 were already resting in the damp earth. I went to my 
 native home. When I came to the town, I asked where 
 Gustav Mauer lived, who had been a tenant at Count von 
 Sommerblatt's. And they said to me : ' Count von Som- 
 merblatt has died, and Gustav Mauer is living now on the 
 wide street, and keeping a store for liqueurs* I put on my 
 new waistcoat, a good coat, — a present from the manu- 
 facturer, — fixed my hair nicely, and went to my father's 
 liquor store. Sister Mariechen was sitting there, and 
 asked me what I wanted. I said : ' May I drink a glass 
 of hqueur ? ' and she said : ' Vater, a young man is asking 
 for a glass of liqueur.' And father said : ' Give the young 
 man a glass of hqueur ! ' I sat down at the table, drank 
 my glass, smoked a pipe, and looked at father, at Marie- 
 chen, and at Johann, who had also come into the store. 
 In our conversation father said to me : ' You, no doubt, 
 know where our Armee is stationed now ! ' I said : ' I 
 myself have come from the Armee, and it is stationed at 
 Wien.' ' Our son,' said father, ' was a Soldat, and now 
 he has not written to us for nine years, and we do not 
 know whether he is ahve or dead. My wife always 
 weeps for him.' I smoked my pipe and said : ' What was 
 the name of your son, and where did he serve ? Maybe 
 I know him.' ' His name is Karl Mauer, and he served 
 
 182
 
 CONTINFATION 183 
 
 with the Austrian chasseurs,' said my father. ' He is 
 tall and a fine-looking man, just like you,' said sister 
 Mariecheu. I said : ' 1 know your Karl.' ' Amalia ! ' sagte 
 auf einmal mein Vater, ' come here ! Here is a young man 
 who knows our Karl.' Ant my dear moder comes out 
 from the back door. I at once knew her. ' You know 
 our Karl,' and she looks at me, and is all pale and 
 trembles ! ' Yes, I have seen him,' I said, and did not 
 dare to raise my eyes to her : my heart wanted to break. 
 ' My Karl is alive ! ' said mother. ' The Lord be thanked. 
 Where is he, my dear Karl ? I could die in peace, if I 
 could look once more upon him, upon my beloved son ; 
 but God does not wish it,' and she burst out into tears. I 
 could not stand it any longer. ' Mother ! ' I said, ' I am 
 your Karl,' and she fell into my arms." 
 
 Karl Ivanovich covered his eyes, and his lips trembled. 
 
 " ' Mutter ! ' sagte ich, ' ich hin ihr Sohn, ich bin ihr 
 Karl ! ' und sie stilrzte mir m die Anne" he repeated, after 
 quieting down and wiping off the tears which rolled down 
 his cheeks. 
 
 " But it did not please God that I should end my days 
 in my native country. A misfortune was decreed for me ! 
 Das Ungliiek verfolgte mich uberall ! I lived in my 
 home only three months. One Sunday I was in a coffee- 
 house, where I ordered a mug of beer, smoked my pipe, 
 and chatted with my acquaintances about Politik, about 
 Emperor Franz, about Napoleon, and about the war, and 
 everybody expressed his opinion. Near us sat a strange 
 gentleman in a gray Ueherrock, who drank coffee, smoked a 
 pipe, and did not speak with us. Er rauchte sein Pfeifchen 
 und shioieg still. When the Nachtwachter called the 
 tenth hour, I took my hat, paid my bill, and went home. 
 At midnight somebody knocked at our door. I awoke 
 and said: 'Who is there?' ' Macht auf!' I said: 'Say 
 who you are, and I will open.' Ich sagte : ' Sagt wer ihr 
 seid, und ich werde aufmachen! * Macht auf im Namen
 
 184 BOYHOOD 
 
 des Gesetzes ! ' somebody said at the door. I opened. 
 Two Soldat with guns stood at the door, and into the 
 room entered the strange man in the gray Ueberrock, who 
 had been sitting near us in the coffee-house. He was a 
 spy ! Es war ein Spion ! ' Come with me ! ' said the 
 spy. ' All right ! ' said I. I put on my boots and panta- 
 loons, and my suspenders, and walked up and down the 
 room. My blood boiled. I said to myself, he was a 
 scoundrel. When I walked up to the wall where my 
 sword was hanging, I grabbed it suddenly and said: 
 'You are a spy, defend yourself!' ' Du hist ein Spion, 
 vertheidige dich ! ' Ich gab einen Hieb to the right, einen 
 Hieb to the left, and one upon his head. The spy 
 fell ! I seized my portmanteau and money, and jumped 
 out of the window. Ich nahm meinen Mantelsack und 
 Beutel und sprang zum Fenster hinaus. Ich kam nach 
 Ems. There I became acquainted with General Zazin. 
 He took a fancy to me, got a passport for me from 
 the ambassador, and took me with him to Russia to 
 teach his children. When General Z^zin died, your 
 mother employed me. She said : ' Karl Ivdnovich ! I 
 give my children to you, and I shall never abandon you ; 
 I shall assure you an easy old age.' Now she is no more, 
 and everything is forgotten. In return for the twenty 
 years of my service I have to go now into the street, old 
 as I am, to find a crust of dry bread. Got sees dat, and 
 knows dat, and for dat is His holy will — only I am 
 sorry for you, my chUders ! " concluded Karl Iv^novich, 
 drawing me to him and kissing my head.
 
 XI. 
 
 oneI 
 
 After a year's mourning, grandmother had a little 
 recovered from the grief which had struck her down, and 
 she began now and then to receive guests, especially girls 
 and boys who were of our age. 
 
 On the 13th of December, Lyiibochka's birthday, 
 there came even before dinner Princess Kornakov with 
 her daughters, Madame Valakhin with Sonichka, Ilinka 
 Grap, and the two younger brothers of the Ivins. 
 
 The sound of conversation, laughter, and running about 
 reached us from below, where the whole company had 
 gathered, but we could not join them before the end of 
 the morning classes. On the schedule which hung in the 
 class-room it said : Lundi, de ^ tt 3, maitre d'histoire et de 
 geographie ; and it was this maitre d'histoire whom we 
 had to wait for, listen to, and see off, before we could be 
 free. It was already twenty minutes past two, but the 
 teacher of history had not yet arrived, nor could he be 
 heard or seen in the street, over which he had to pass to 
 reach us, and upon which I was looking with a strong 
 desire not to see him. 
 
 " Apparently L^bedev is not coming to-day," said Vol6- 
 dya, raising his eyes for a moment from Smardgdov's text- 
 book, from which he was preparing his lesson. 
 
 " May the Lord grant it be so, for I do not know a thing 
 
 1 One is the lowest, and five the highest mark in Russian schools. 
 
 185
 
 186 BOYHOOD 
 
 about the lesson — However, however, here he comes," 
 I added, in a sad voice. 
 
 Volddya rose from his seat and went up to the 
 window. 
 
 " No, that is not he, that is some gentleman," said he. 
 " We shall wait until half-past two," he added, stretching 
 himself and at the same time scratching his crown, as he 
 was in the habit of doing whenever he rested for a minute 
 from his work. " If he is not here by half-past two, we 
 shall tell St. J^r6me to pick up the copy-books." 
 
 " What does he want to be coming for ? " I said, also 
 stretching myself and shaking over my head the book of 
 Kayddnov, which I held in both my hands. 
 
 Having nothing to do, I opened the book where the 
 lesson was, and began to read it. It was a long and hard 
 lesson ; I did not know a thing about it, and I saw that I 
 should never have enough time to learn a thing, especially 
 since I was in that nervous condition when the thoughts 
 refuse to centre on any subject whatsoever. 
 
 L^bedev had complained about me to St. J^rOme for my 
 previous lesson in history, a subject which had always 
 seemed to me tiresome and hard, and he had written down 
 in the book in which the marks were kept, number two, 
 which was regarded as very bad. St. J^r6me told me 
 then, that if I should get less than three at the next les- 
 son, I should be punished severely. This next lesson was 
 before me and, I confess, I trembled. 
 
 I had been so absorbed in the reading of the unfamiliar 
 lesson that I was startled by the noise of taking off over- 
 shoes, which was heard in the antechamber. I had not 
 had any time to look around, when in the door appeared 
 the pockmarked, despised face and the familiar, awkward 
 figure of the teacher, in his buttoned blue dress coat with 
 the buttons of the learned profession. 
 
 The teacher slowly put his hat on the window, and his 
 note-books on the table, with both his hands spread the
 
 ONE 187 
 
 folds of his coat, as though this was absolutely necessary, 
 and, puffing, sat down in his chair. 
 
 " Well, gentlemen," he said, rubbing his clammy hands 
 against each other, " first we shall go over what was said 
 in the previous lesson, and then I shall try to acquaint 
 you with the next events of the Middle Ages." 
 
 This meant : Recite your lesson. 
 
 While Volddya answered him with a freedom and self- 
 assurance peculiar to those who know their subject well, 
 I, without any aim whatsoever, went out on the staircase, 
 and, since it was not possible to go down-stairs, I quite 
 naturally walked up to the landing. I had just intended 
 to settle in my usual place of observation, when Mimi, 
 who always was the cause of my misfortunes, suddenly 
 bumped against me. " You are here ? " she said, looking 
 threateningly at me, then at the door of the maids' room, 
 and then again at me. 
 
 I felt myself thoroughly guilty, both because I was not 
 at the lesson, and because I found myself in such an im- 
 proper place, so I kept silent and, lowering my head, pre- 
 sented a most pathetic picture of repentance. 
 
 " No, that passes all bounds ! " said Mimi. " What 
 were you doing here ? " I kept silent. " No, that can't 
 remain this way ! " she repeated, striking the knuckles of 
 her fingers against the balustrade of the staircase, " I shall 
 tell everything to the countess." 
 
 It was five minutes to three, when I returned to the 
 schoolroom. The teacher, acting as though he had not 
 noticed my absence nor my presence, was explaining the 
 next lesson to Volddya. When, after having finished his 
 explanations, he began to fold up his note-books, and Vold- 
 dya went into the other room to bring him his ticket, the 
 joyful thought struck me that it was all over, and that I 
 was forgotten. 
 
 But suddenly the teacher turned to me with a mischie- 
 vous half-smile.
 
 188 BOYHOOD 
 
 " I hope that you have learned your lesson, sir," he said, 
 rubbing his hands, 
 
 " I have, sir," I answered. 
 
 " Will you take the trouble to tell me something about 
 the crusade of St. Louis ? " he said, swaying in his chair, 
 and pensively looking between his legs. " You will first 
 tell me about the reason which caused the French king to 
 take up the cross," he said, raising his eyebrows and point- 
 ing his finger to the inkstand, " then explain to me the 
 general characteristic features of that crusade," he added, 
 moving his whole wrist as if he wanted to catch some- 
 thing, "and finally, the effect of that crusade upon the 
 European countries in general," he said, striking the left 
 part of the table with his note-books, " upon the French 
 realm in particular," he concluded, striking the right side 
 of the table, and bending his head to the right. 
 
 I swallowed several times, hemmed and hawed, bent 
 my head to one side, and kept silent. Then I picked up 
 a goose-quill which was lying on the table, and began to 
 tear it to pieces, but I kept silent all the time. 
 
 " Let me have the pen," said the teacher to me, stretch- 
 ing out his hand. " It could be used yet. Well, sir ? " 
 
 " Louis — Kar — Louis the Holy was — was — was — 
 a good and wise Tsar — " 
 
 " What, sir ? " 
 
 " Tsar. He had got it into his head to go to Jeru- 
 salem, and he transferred the reins of government to his 
 mother." 
 
 " What was her name ? " 
 
 '<B — b — lanka." 
 
 " What ? BuMnka ? " i 
 
 I smiled a sinister and awkward smOe, 
 
 " Well, sir, is there anything else you know ? " he said, 
 smiling. 
 
 I had nothing to lose, so I coughed and began to tell 
 1 Name of a dun horse.
 
 ONE 189 
 
 anything that occurred to me. The teacher did not 
 say anything, and only swept off the dust from the table 
 with the pen which he had taken away from me ; he 
 stared somewhere beyond my ear, and now and then 
 exclaimed : " Very well, sir, very well, sir." I felt that I 
 did not know a thing, that I did not express myself as 
 I ought to, and I was very much pained because my 
 teacher did not stop me, or correct me. 
 
 ";Why did he get it into his head to go to Jerusalem ? " 
 said the teacher, repeating my own words. 
 
 " Because — on account of — since — in as much 
 as — 
 
 I was completely floored, did not say another word, and 
 felt that if that rascal of a teacher were to be silent for a 
 whole year and looking interrogatively at me all the 
 time, I should not be able to utter another sound. The 
 teacher looked at me for about three minutes, then his 
 face suddenly manifested an expression of profound grief, 
 and, in a pathetic voice, he said to Volodya who had just 
 entered the room : 
 
 " Please let me have the book for the marks ! " 
 
 Vol6dya gave him the book, and gently placed a ticket 
 near it. 
 
 The teacher opened the book and, carefully dipping the 
 pen, in a beautiful hand marked Volodya number five in 
 the columns for progress and deportment. Then, resting 
 the pen over the hue where my marks were to be put 
 down, he glanced at me, shook off the ink, and thought 
 awhile. 
 
 Suddenly his hand made a scarcely perceptible motion, 
 and in the column appeared a beautifully written number 
 one, with a period after it; another motion, and in the 
 column for deportment went down another number one, 
 with a period after it. 
 
 Carefully folding the book with the marks, the teacher 
 rose and walked to the door, as though he had not noticed
 
 190 BOYHOOD 
 
 my glance, in which were expressed despair, supplication, 
 and reproach. 
 
 " Mikhail Laridnovich ! " said I. 
 
 "No," he answered, guessing what I intended to tell 
 him, " you can't study that way. I wiU not take money 
 for nothing." 
 
 The teacher put on his overshoes and camlet overcoat, 
 and carefully wrapped himself in a shawl. As if one 
 could think of anything, after what had happened to me ! 
 For him it was but a movement of the pen, but for me 
 it was my greatest misfortune. 
 
 " Is the lesson over ? " asked St. J^rSme, as he entered 
 the room. 
 
 " Yes." 
 
 " Was the teacher satisfied with you ? " 
 
 " Yes," said Vol6dya. 
 
 " What did you get ? " 
 
 " Five." 
 
 " And Nicolas ? " 
 
 I was silent. 
 
 " I think, four," said Vol6dya. 
 
 He knew I had to be saved, if only for to-day. Let 
 them punish me, as long as it was not to-day, when guests 
 were at the house. 
 
 " VoyoTis, messieurs ! " (St. J^rdme was in the habit of 
 saying voyons ! to everything.) " Faites voire toilette et 
 descendons ! "
 
 XII. 
 
 THE SMALL KEY 
 
 We had barely greeted the guests, upon coming down- 
 stairs, when we were called to table. Papa was in a very 
 happy frame of mind (he had been winning of late) ; he 
 had presented Lyiibochka with a costly silver tea service, 
 and at dinner he remembered that he had left a bonbon- 
 nifere for her in his room in the wing. 
 
 " What is the use sending a servant there ? You had 
 better go there yourself, Koko ! " he said to me. " The 
 keys are in the shell on the large table, you know. So 
 take them, and with the largest key open the second 
 drawer at the right. There you will find the candy box. 
 The candy is in paper ; bring it here ! " 
 
 " And shall I bring you any cigars ? " I asked, knowing 
 that he always sent for them after dinner. 
 
 " Bring some, only don't touch anything ; you hear ? " 
 he said, as I went out. 
 
 I found the keys in the place indicated, and was on the 
 point of opening the drawer, when I was arrested by 
 the desire of finding out what thing the tiny key of the 
 bunch could open. 
 
 On the table stood, against a small raihng, among a 
 thousand different things, a hand-sewn portfolio with 
 a padlock, and I was dying to find out whether the small 
 key would fit in it. My effort was rewarded with com- 
 plete success, the portfolio was opened, and inside I found 
 a whole stack of papers. My feeling of curiosity so per- 
 
 191
 
 192 BOYHOOD 
 
 suasively compelled me to find out what kind of papers 
 they were, that I was not able to listen to the voice of my 
 conscience, and began to examine what was in the portfolio. 
 
 The childish feeling of unconditional respect for older 
 people, especially for papa, was so strong in me, that my 
 mind unconsciously refused to draw any conclusions from 
 what I saw, I felt that papa was living in an entirely 
 separate, beautiful, inapproachable, and incomprehensible 
 sphere, and that it would be a kind of sacrilege for me to 
 try to penetrate the secrets of his hfe. 
 
 For this reason the discoveries which I had made, 
 almost by accident, in papa's portfolio did not leave any 
 clear idea with me, except a dim consciousness of having 
 done something bad. I felt ashamed and ill at ease. 
 
 Under the influence of this feeling I wanted to close 
 the portfolio as quickly as possible, but I was evidently 
 fated to experience all kinds of misfortunes upon that 
 memorable day. When I put the key into the keyhole, I 
 turned it in the wrong direction. Thinking that the 
 padlock was locked, I pulled the key out, and, oh, horror ! 
 only the head of the key was left in my hands, I tried 
 in vain to connect it with the half which was left in the 
 keyhole, and by some magic to extricate it. At last I 
 had to get used to the terrible thought that I had 
 committed a new crime, which would be discovered that 
 very day, upon papa's return to his cabinet, 
 
 Mirai's complaint, number one, and the key ! Nothing 
 worse could have happened to me. Grandmother — for 
 Mimi's complaint, St, J^r6me — for number one, and 
 papa — for the key, — all that would overwhelm me not 
 later than that very evening, 
 
 " What will become of me ? Oh, what have I done ! " 
 I said aloud, as I walked across the soft carpet of the 
 cabinet. " Oh, weU ! " I said to myself, getting the con- 
 fectionary and the cigars, " there is no escaping fate," and 
 I ran to the house.
 
 THE SMALL KEY 193 
 
 That fatalistic expression, which I had caught from 
 Nikoldy in my childhood, had produced upon me, in all 
 the heavy moments of my life, a beneficent, temporarily 
 soothing effect. When I entered the parlour, I was in a 
 somewhat nervous and unnatural, but exceedingly happy 
 frame of mind.
 
 xm. 
 
 THE TKAITRESS 
 
 After dinner began the jpetits Jeux, and I took a very 
 lively part in them. As we were playing " Cat-and- 
 mouse," I awkwardly ran against the governess of the 
 Korndkovs, and, accidentally stepping on her skirt, tore 
 it. When I noticed that all the girls, but particularly 
 Sonichka, took great delight in seeing the governess put 
 out about it, and going to the maids' room to fix her 
 dress, I decided I would aflFord them that pleasure once 
 more. In consequence of this amiable intention, I began 
 to gallop around the governess, the moment she returned 
 to the room, and continued these evolutions until I found 
 a favourable opportunity of catching my heel in her skirt, 
 and tearing it. Sdnichka and the princesses could hardly 
 hold themselves with laughing, which very agreeably 
 flattered my egoism, but St. J^rSme, who had evidently 
 noticed my tricks, said that I was too merry for any good, 
 and that if I would not behave better, he would make me 
 feel sorry, in spite of the celebration. 
 
 I was in the irritated condition of a man who has lost 
 more than he has in his pocket, who is afraid to look up 
 his standing, and proceeds to play desperately, without 
 any hope of winning back, but only in order not to give 
 himself any time to come to his senses. I smiled inso- 
 lently and walked away from him. 
 
 After the " cat-and-mouse," somebody started a game 
 
 194
 
 THE TRAITRESS 195 
 
 which, I think, is called " Lange Nase " with us. The 
 game consisted in placing two rows of chairs facing each 
 other, and dividing the ladies and gentlemen into two 
 parties, and having each chosen from the other by 
 alternation. 
 
 The younger princess chose every time the younger 
 Ivin, Katenka chose Volodya or Ilinka, and Sdnichka — 
 every time Ser^zha, and she was, to my great amazement, 
 not in the least ashamed when Ser^zha went and seated 
 himself right opposite her. She laughed her sweet, melo- 
 dious laugh and nodded her head to him in token that he 
 had guessed correctly. Nobody chose me. This greatly 
 offended my vanity, and I understood that I was super- 
 fluous, one who is left over, and that they had to say of 
 me every time : " Who is left over ? Yes, Nikolenka. 
 So you take him ! " So that whenever I was out, I went 
 up straight to sister, or to one of the homely princesses, 
 and, to my misfortune, I never made a mistake. S6- 
 nichka, however, seemed to be so occupied with Ser^zha 
 Ivin, that I did not exist for her at all. I do not know 
 on what ground I mentally called her " traitress," for she 
 had never given me a promise that she would choose me, 
 and not Ser^zha ; but I was firmly convinced that she 
 acted in a most shameful manner toward me. 
 
 After the game I noticed that the " traitress," whom I 
 despised, but from whom I nevertheless could not keep 
 my eyes, had gone into the corner with Ser^zha and 
 Kdtenka, and that they were talking mysteriously about 
 something. I stole behind the piano, in order to discover 
 their secrets, and I saw this : Katenka was holding a 
 batiste handkerchief at two of its ends, so that it served 
 for a screen and concealed Serezha's and Sonichka's heads. 
 " No, you have lost, so pay your fine ! " said Ser^zha. 
 Sonichka dropped her hands, stood before him like a 
 guilty person, and said, blushing : " No, I have not lost ! 
 Am I not right. Mademoiselle Catherine ? " "I love
 
 196 BOYHOOD 
 
 truth," answered Kitenka., " you have lost the wager, ma 
 there ! " 
 
 No sooner had K^tenka pronounced these words than 
 Ser^zha leaned over and kissed Sdnichka. He just kissed 
 her rosy lips. And Sdnichka laughed as if that were all 
 right, as if it were a very jolly thing. Terrible ! O 
 tricky traitress !
 
 xrv. 
 
 THE ECLIPSE 
 
 I SUDDENLY felt a contempt for the whole feminine 
 sex in general and for Sdnichka in particular. I began to 
 persuade myself that there was no fun in those games, 
 and that they were good enough only for little girls, and 
 I was dying to do some daring act and show such a bit of 
 bravado as to make them wonder at me. The oppor- 
 tunity presented itself in due time. 
 
 St. J^r8me had a talk with Mimi about something, then 
 he left the room. The sound of his steps was heard 
 at first upon the staircase, then above us, in the class- 
 room. It occurred to me that Mimi had told him where 
 she had seen me during class hours, and that he had 
 gone to look at the class book. At that time I could not 
 suppose any other aim in St. Jerome's life than the desire 
 to punish me. I have read somewhere that children 
 between twelve and fourteen years of age, that is, those 
 who are in the transitional stage of boyhood, have a 
 particular mania for arson and murder. As I think of 
 my own boyhood and, in particular, of the state of 
 my mind on that fatal day, I very clearly comprehend 
 the possibility of an aimless crime, without any desire of 
 doing harm, but just out of curiosity and out of an 
 unconscious need of some activity. There are minutes 
 when the future presents itself to a man in so sombre 
 a light that he is afraid to rest his mental vision upon it, 
 completely interrupts his mind's activity, and endeavours 
 
 197
 
 198 BOYHOOD 
 
 to persuade himself that there will be no future and that 
 there has been no past. In such minutes, when the mind 
 does not judge in advance the determinations of the will, 
 and carnal instincts are the only mainsprings of life that 
 are left, a child without any experience, and predisposed 
 to such a condition, naturally, without the least hesitation 
 or fear, and with a smile of curiosity, starts up and fans a 
 fire under his own house, where his brothers and his 
 parents sleep, whom he loves tenderly. Under the in- 
 fluence of this same momentary absence of reasoning 
 power, — almost under the influence of distraction, — a 
 peasant lad of seventeen years of age, who is examining 
 the edge of a newly ground axe near the bench on which 
 his old father is sleeping face downward, suddenly swings 
 his axe, and with duU curiosity looks at the blood gush- 
 ing under the bench from the severed neck. Under the 
 influence of the same absence of thought and of an 
 instinctive curiosity a man finds a certain pleasure in 
 stopping on the very brink of a precipice, and in think- 
 ing : " What if I jumped down there ? " or in placing a 
 loaded pistol to his forehead, and in thinking : " What if 
 I pressed the trigger ? " or in looking at some distin- 
 guished person, for whom all society has the profoundest 
 respect, and in thinking : " What if I went up to him 
 and took him by the nose, and said : * Now, my dear sir, 
 come along with me ! ' " 
 
 When St. J^rSme came down-stairs and told me that 
 I had no right to be here to-day, because I had behaved 
 and studied so badly, and that I should go up-stairs at 
 once, I, under the influence of just such an inward agita- 
 tion and absence of reasoning, showed him my tongue, 
 and told him that I would not go. 
 
 At first St. Jerome could not pronounce a word from 
 amazement and anger. 
 
 " Cest bien" he said to me, as he caught up with me, 
 "I have more than once promised you a punishment,
 
 THE ECLIPSE 199 
 
 from which your grandmother has been trying to save 
 you. Now I see that nothing but the rod will make you 
 obey, and to-day you have well deserved it." 
 
 He said that so loudly that all heard his words. My 
 blood rushed with unusual vehemence to my heart. 
 I felt it pulsating terribly, and pallor covering my face, 
 and my lips quivering entirely against my will. I must 
 have been terrible at that moment, because St. Jdrome 
 avoided my look as he walked up to me and took me 
 by my arm ; but at the touch of his hand, I felt so badly 
 that, forgetting myself in my anger, I drew my arm away 
 from him and with all my boyish strength dealt him a blow. 
 
 " What is the matter with you ? " said Volodya, approach- 
 ing me, when he, in terror and amazement, saw my deed. 
 
 " Leave me alone ! " I cried out to him through my 
 tears. " You none of you love me, and you do not 
 understand how unhappy I am ! You are all mean 
 and despicable ! " I added, in a kind of stupor, turning 
 to all the company assembled. 
 
 Just then St. Jerome again walked up to me, with 
 a determined and pale countenance, and, before I had 
 any time to prepare myself for the defence, with a quick 
 motion compressed both my arms, as in a vise, and pulled 
 me away to some place. My head was dizzy from 
 excitement. I remember only that I fought desperately 
 with my head and knees as long as I had any strength 
 left ; I remember that my nose several times struck 
 against somebody's thighs, that somebody's coat kept on 
 getting into my mouth, and that all about me I heard 
 the presence of somebody's feet, and smelled the smell 
 of dust and of violets, with which St. Jerome used to 
 perfume himself. 
 
 Five minutes later the door of the lumber-room was 
 closed after me. 
 
 " Vasili ! " he said in a contemptuous, triumphant voice, 
 " bring some rods ! "
 
 XV. 
 
 DREAMS 
 
 Could I have thought at that time that I should 
 remain ahve, after the many misfortunes which had 
 befallen me, and that the time would come when I 
 should think calmly of them? 
 
 As I considered what I had done, I was unable to 
 imagine what would become of me, but I had a dim pre- 
 sentiment that I was irretrievably lost. 
 
 At first, complete silence reigned below me and about 
 me, or at least it so appeared to me from too great an 
 inward agitation. By degrees I began to distinguish 
 different sounds. Vasih came up-stairs and, throwing 
 something that resembled a broom on the window, lay 
 down on the clothes-bench, yawning. Below me was heard 
 the loud voice of Avgiist Ant<5nych (he, no doubt, was 
 speaking about me), then some children's voices, then 
 laughter and running, and a few minutes later everything 
 in the house was moving as before, as if no one knew or 
 cared to know that I was sitting in a dark lumber-room. 
 
 I was not crying, but something heavy, like a stone, 
 lay upon my heart. Thoughts and pictures passed through 
 my disturbed imagination with increased rapidity ; but 
 the recollection of the misfortune which had befallen me 
 continually interrupted their fanciful chain, and I again 
 entered into an inextricable labyrinth of uncertainty as 
 to my impending fate, of despair, and of terror. 
 
 Then it occurred to me that there must have existed 
 200
 
 DREAMS 201 
 
 a certain unknown reason for the universal hostility and 
 hatred manifested toward me. (I was firmly convinced 
 that all, beginning with grandmother and ending with 
 coachman Filipp, hated me and found pleasure in my 
 sufferings.) " It must be, I am not the son of my mother 
 and of my father, not Volddya's brother, but some unfor- 
 tunate orphan, a foundling, picked up for charity's sake,'' 
 I said to myself, and that absurd idea not only afforded 
 me some sad consolation, but appeared quite probable 
 to me. It was a relief for me to think that I was 
 unhappy, not because I was guilty, but because that had 
 been my fate since my very birth, and because my fate 
 resembled that of unfortunate Karl Ivanovich. 
 
 " But why should this secret be concealed any longer, 
 since I myself have discovered it ? " I said to myself. " I 
 will go to-morrow to papa, and will say to him : ' Papa, you 
 are in vain concealing the secret of my birth from me ; 
 I know it.' He will say to me : ' What is to be done, 
 my dear ? Sooner or later you would have found it 
 out, — you are not my son, but I have adopted you, and 
 if you will be worthy of my love, I shall never abandon 
 you.' And I will tell him : ' Papa, although I have no 
 right to call you by this name, I now pronounce it for 
 the last time. I have always loved you, and always 
 shall. I shall never forget that you are my benefactor, 
 but I no longer can remain in your house. Here nobody 
 loves me, and St. Jerome has vowed to destroy me. 
 Either he or I must leave your house, because I am not 
 responsible for my acts, — I so hate that man that I am 
 capable of doing anything. I will kill him, that's it pre- 
 cisely, I will kill him.' Papa will begin to reason with 
 me, but I shall only wave my hand, and shall tell him : 
 ' No, my friend and benefactor, we cannot live together, 
 so let me go ! ' And I shall embrace him, and shall tell 
 him, for some reason in French : ' Oh, mon pere, oh, mon 
 hienfaiteur, donne-moi pour la derniere fois ta benediction,
 
 202 BOYHOOD 
 
 et que la volonU de Dieu soit faite ! ' " At this thought 
 I burst out into loud tears, as I sat on a box in the dark 
 lumber-room. Suddenly I thought of the degrading pun- 
 ishment which awaited me, and the actual facts presented 
 themselves in their real light to me, and my dreams were 
 dispersed immediately. 
 
 Now I imagined I was already at liberty, out of our 
 house. I joined the hussars, and went to war. Enemies 
 bore down upon me from all sides, I brandished my 
 sword and killed one ; another brandish, and I killed a 
 second, a third. At last, I fell to the ground, exhausted 
 from wounds and fatigue, and cried, " Victory ! " A 
 general rode up to me and asked : " Where is he, our 
 saviour ? " They pointed to me, and he rushed to embrace 
 me, and with tears of joy cried out, " Victory ! " I grew 
 well again, and, with my arm in a black sling, walked 
 down the Tver Boulevard. I was a general ! and the Tsar 
 met me and asked : " Who is that wounded young man ? " 
 He was told that it was the famous hero, Nikolay, The 
 Tsar walked up to me and said : " I thank you. I shall 
 do anything you may ask of me." I made a respectful 
 bow, leaning upon my sword, and said : " I am happy, 
 great Tsar, that I was able to shed my blood for my 
 country, and I should like to die for it ; but since you 
 are so gracious as to permit me to ask something of 
 you, I ask only this: permit me to destroy my enemy, 
 the foreigner St. Jerome. I want to destroy my en- 
 emy, St. Jerome." I angrily stopped in front of St. 
 J(5r6me, and said to him : " You have caused my mis- 
 fortune, h genoux ! " Suddenly it occurred to me that 
 the real St. Jerome might come in any minute with the 
 rods, and I again saw myself, not as a general who had 
 saved his country, but as a most wretched and pitiful 
 creature. 
 
 Then again I thought of God, and I boldly asked Him, 
 for what He was punishing me. " I think I have never
 
 DREAMS 203 
 
 forgotten to say my prayers, neither in the morning nor 
 in the evening ; then, what am I suffering for ? " I can 
 absolutely affirm that my first step in the direction of 
 religious doubts, which agitated me in my boyhood, was 
 made by me at this time, not because my misfortune had 
 incited me to murmuring and unbelief, but because the 
 thought of an unjust Providence, which had entered my 
 mind at this moment of complete spiritual disorganiza- 
 tion, rapidly sprouted and took root, just like an evil 
 seed which after a rain has fallen on the loosened earth. 
 
 Then, again, I imagined that I should certainly die, and 
 I represented vividly to myself St. Jerome's astonishment 
 when he would find my lifeless body in the lumber-room. 
 I recalled the stories of Natalya Savishna about the soul 
 of a deceased person not leaving the house for forty days, 
 and I mentally passed unnoticed, after my death, through 
 all the rooms of grandmother's house, and listened to the 
 genuine tears of Lyiibochka, to the laments of grand- 
 mother, and to papa's conversation with Avgiist Antono- 
 vich. " He was a fine boy," papa would say with tears 
 in his eyes. " Yes," St. J^rSme would answer, " but a 
 wild fellow." "You ought to respect the dead," papa 
 would say, " you were the cause of his death, you have 
 frightened him to death, and he could not bear the 
 humiliation which you had caused him. Away from 
 here, rascal ! " 
 
 St. J^rSme would fall upon his knees, would weep and 
 beg'forgiveness. After forty days my soul would fly away 
 to heaven. There I see something wonderfully beautiful, 
 white, transparent, and long, and I feel it is my mother. 
 This white form surrounds and pets me. " If it is really 
 you," I say, " show yourself better, that I may be able to 
 embrace you." And the voice answers me : " We are 
 all like this here, I cannot embrace you any better. 
 Are you not happy as it is ? " " Yes, lam very happy, 
 but you cannot tickle me, and I cannot kiss your hands."
 
 204 BOYHOOD 
 
 " There is no need of it ; it is nice here without it," she 
 says, and I feel that it is nice indeed, and we fly together 
 higher and higher. 
 
 Just then, it seemed, I awoke and found myself again 
 on the box, in the lumber-room, with cheeks wet from 
 tears, meaninglessly repeating the words : " And we fly 
 higher and higher ! " I made every imaginable effort 
 to clear up my situation, but only a terribly gloomy, 
 impenetrable distance presented itself to my mental vision. 
 I tried to return to those consoling, happy dreams, which 
 the consciousness of reality had interrupted, but to my 
 astonishment I found, every time I returned on the road 
 of my former dreams, that their continuation was impos- 
 sible, and what was most remarkable, that they no longer 
 afforded me any pleasure.
 
 XVL 
 
 AFTER GRINDING COMES FLOUR 
 
 I PASSED the night in the lumber-room, and nobody 
 came to see me. Only the next day, that is, on Sunday, 
 I was transferred to a small room, near the class-room, 
 and was locked up again. I began to hope that my pun- 
 ishment would be limited to incarceration, and my 
 thoughts grew calmer, under the influence of a sweet and 
 refreshing sleep, of the bright sun which glistened on the 
 frosty designs of the windows, and of the usual noise in 
 the street in daytime. Nevertheless, the solitary confine- 
 ment was hard to bear : I wanted to move about, to tell 
 somebody everything that had accumulated within my 
 soul, and there was no living being near me. This situa- 
 tion was the more disagreeable since I could not help 
 hearing, however much I hated it, St. J^rSme pacing up 
 and down his room, and calmly whisthng some merry 
 tunes. I was absolutely convinced that he did not want 
 to whistle at all, but that he did so only to annoy me. 
 
 At two o'clock St. Jerome and Volodya went down- 
 stairs, and Nikolay brought me my dinner, and when I 
 talked with him about what I had done, and what awaited 
 me, he said : 
 
 " Oh, well, sir ! Don't worry : After grinding comes 
 flour." 
 
 Though this proverb, which later in life often fortified 
 my spirit, gave me some consolation, the fact that they 
 had sent me, not bread and water, but the whole dinner, 
 
 205
 
 206 BOYHOOD 
 
 even dessert — white-loaves — gave me much concern. If 
 they had not sent me the white-loaves, I should have 
 concluded that the incarceration was my punishment, but 
 now it appeared that I was not yet punished, that I was 
 only removed from the others as a dangerous man, and 
 that the punishment was still ahead. While I was 
 deeply engaged in the solution of this question, a key 
 was turned in the lock of my prison, and St. Jerome 
 entered the room, with an austere and official expression 
 on his face. 
 
 " Come to grandmother ! " he said, without looking at 
 me. 
 
 I wanted to clean the sleeves of the blouse, that had 
 become soiled by chalk, before leaving the room, but St. 
 Jerome said that this was entirely unnecessary, as though 
 I was already in such a wretched moral state that it was 
 not worth while to trouble myself about my appearance. 
 
 Katenka, Lyiibochka, and Volddya gazed at me, as St. 
 Jerome led me by my arm through the parlour, with ex- 
 actly the same expression with which we looked at the 
 prisoners who used to be taken by our windows on Mon- 
 days. When I walked up to grandmother's armchair, 
 with the intention of kissing her hand, she turned away 
 from me and hid her hand under her mantilla. 
 
 " Yes, my dear," she said, after a protracted silence, 
 during which she surveyed me from head to foot with 
 such an expression that I did not know what to do with 
 my eyes and hands, " I must say you value my love very 
 much, and afford me genuine consolation. M. St. J^ 
 rome, who, at my request," she added, stretching out every 
 word, " undertook your education, does not wish to stay 
 in ray house any longer. And why ? On your account, 
 my dear. I had hoped that you would be grateful," she 
 continued, after a moment's silence and in a tone which 
 proved that her speech had been prepared long before, 
 " for his care and labours, that you would know how to
 
 AFTER GRINDING COMES FLOUR 207 
 
 value his deserts, whereas you, pert little urchin, have 
 dared to Uft your hand against him ! Very well ! Beau- 
 tiful ! I am beginning to think myself that you are not 
 capable of understanding kind treatment, and that other, 
 lower means must be used with you. Immediately ask 
 his pardon," she added, in a stem, commanding tone, 
 pointing to St. Jerome ; " do you hear ? " 
 
 I looked in the direction indicated by grandmother's 
 hand, and, noticing St. Jerome's coat, turned away and 
 did not budge from the spot, a sensation of fainting over- 
 coming me again. 
 
 " Well, do you not hear what I am saying to you ? " 
 
 I trembled with my whole body, but did not budge. 
 
 " Kok6 ! " said grandmother, when she, evidently, ob- 
 served the inward suffering which I was experiencing. 
 " Koko," she said, this time not so much in a command- 
 ing, as in a tender voice, " is it you ? " 
 
 " Grandmother, I will not ask his pardon for anything," 
 I said, and suddenly stopped, for I felt that I should not 
 be able to restrain the tears that were choking me, if I 
 were to say another word. 
 
 " I command you, I beg you. What is the matter 
 with you ? " 
 
 "I — I — do not — want to — I cannot," I muttered, 
 and the checked sobs, which had accumulated in my breast, 
 suddenly burst their barrier, and issued in a furious torrent. 
 
 " C'est ainsi que vous oheissez h, voire seconde mere, c'est 
 ainsi que vous reconnaissez ses hontes" said St. Jerome in 
 a tragic voice. " A genoux ! " 
 
 " My God, if she saw this ! " said grandmother, turning 
 away from me and wiping off the tears that had appeared 
 in her eyes. 
 
 " If she saw this ! But all is for the best. Yes, she 
 would not have lived through this sorrow, she would not." 
 
 And grandmother wept harder and harder. I, too, 
 wept, but I did not even think of asking forgiveness.
 
 208 BOYHOOD 
 
 " Tranquillisez-vous au nom du ciel, Madame la Ccurv- 
 tesse," said St. Jerome. 
 
 But grandmother was not listening to him. She cov- 
 ered her face with her hands, and her sobs soon passed 
 into hiccoughs and hysterics. Mirai and G^sha ran into 
 the room with frightened faces, there was an odour of 
 spirits, and the whole house was on its feet and whisper- 
 ing. 
 
 " Enjoy what you have done," said St. Jerome, as he 
 led me up-stairs. 
 
 "0 God ! what have I done ? What a terrible crimi- 
 nal I am ! " 
 
 No sooner had St. J^rSme walked down-stairs, after 
 ordering me to go to my room, than I ran down the 
 large staircase which led to the street, without being 
 clearly conscious of what I was doing. 
 
 " Whither are you running ? " a familiar voice suddenly 
 asked me. " I want you, my darling ! " 
 
 I wanted to run by him, but father caught my arm, 
 and said, sternly : 
 
 " Come with me, my dear ! How did you dare to 
 touch the portfolio in my cabinet ? " He led me into the 
 small sofa-room. " Well ? Why don't you say some- 
 thing ? WeU ? " he added, pulling my ear. 
 
 " I am guilty," I said. " I do not know myself what 
 tempted me ! " 
 
 " Oh, you don't know what tempted you, you don't 
 know, you don't, you don't, you don't," he repeated, at 
 every word shaking my ear. " Will you ever again put 
 in your nose where it does not belong ? WiU you ? Will 
 you ? " 
 
 Though I felt a terrible pain in my ear, I did not 
 weep, but experienced a pleasant moral sensation. The 
 moment he let my ear go, I seized his hand, and, with 
 tears in ray eyes, began to cover it with kisses. 
 
 " Strike me again," I said through my tears, " harder,
 
 AFTER GRINDING COMES FLOUR 209 
 
 more ! I am a good-for-nothing, miserable, unhappy 
 
 man 
 
 " What is the matter with you ? " he said, pushing me 
 lightly aside. 
 
 " No, I sha'u't go away for anything," I said, clinging 
 to his coat. " Everybody hates me, I know it, but, for 
 the Lord's sake, listen to nie, defend me, or drive me out 
 of the house ! I cannot live with Mm ! He is trying in 
 every way to humihate me, orders me to kneel in his 
 presence, and wants to whip me. I cannot stand it. I 
 am not a little child ; I shall not live through it, I shall 
 die ; I will kill myself. He told grandmother that I was 
 a good-for-nothing, and she is now HI, she will die through 
 me, I — with — him — for the Lord's sake, whip me — 
 — why — do they — tor — ment me ? " 
 
 My tears choked me, I sat down on the divan, and, not 
 being able to say anything more, fell with my head upon 
 his knees and sobbed so much that I thought I was going 
 to die that very minute. 
 
 " What are you weeping about, you round-cheeks ? " 
 said papa, sympathetically, as he leaned over me. 
 
 " He is my tyrant — tormentor — I shall die — no- 
 body loves me ! " I barely was able to utter, and I fell 
 into convulsions. 
 
 Papa took me in his arms and carried me into the 
 sleeping-room. I fell asleep. 
 
 When I awoke, it was very late, a candle was burning 
 near my bed, and in the room sat our family doctor, 
 Mimi, and Lyiibochka. I could see by their faces that 
 they were afraid for my health. But I felt so well and 
 light after a sleep of almost twelve hours that I should 
 have leaped out of my bed, if it had not been so dis- 
 agreeable for me to disturb their conviction that I was 
 very ilL
 
 XYIL 
 
 HATBED 
 
 Yes, it was a real feeling of hatred, — not of that 
 hatred of which we read in novels, and in which I do not 
 believe, — not of that hatred which finds pleasure in do- 
 ing a person some harm, but of that hatred which in- 
 spires you with an irresistible loathing for a person who, 
 otherwise, deserves your respect, which makes you loathe 
 his hair, his neck, his gait, the sound of his voice, all his 
 members and all his motions, and, at the same time, 
 attracts you to him by some incomprehensible power, and 
 compels you with restless attention to follow every 
 minutest act of his. I experienced this feeling for St. 
 Jerome. 
 
 St. J^r6me had been living in our house for a year and 
 a half. When I now think coolly of the man, I find that 
 he was a good Frenchman, but a Frenchman in the high- 
 est degree. He was not stupid, quite well educated, and 
 conscientiously executed his duty toward us; but he 
 was possessed of the characteristic traits of frivolous 
 egotism, vanity, impudence, and ignorant self-confidence, 
 which are common to all of his countrymen, and are 
 diametrically opposed to the Russian character. All 
 that I did not like. Of course, grandmother had ex- 
 plained to him her opinion in regard to corporal punish- 
 ment, and he did not dare strike us ; but, in spite of this, 
 he often threatened us, especially me, with the rod, and 
 pronounced the word fouetter (something like fouatter) so 
 
 210
 
 HATRED 211 
 
 disgustingly, and with such an intonation as if it would 
 give him the greatest pleasure to whip me. 
 
 I was not in the least afraid of the pain of the punish- 
 ment, though I had never experienced it, but the mere 
 thought that St. Jerome could strike me induced in me a 
 heavy feeling of subdued despair and fury. 
 
 In moments of anger Karl Ivdnovich used to make his 
 personal accounts with us by means of the ruler or sus- 
 penders, but I recall that without the least annoyance. 
 Even if Karl Ivdnovich had struck me at that particular 
 moment (when I was fourteen years old), I should have 
 borne his blows with equanimity. I loved Karl Ivdn- 
 ovich, remembered him as far back as I could remember 
 myself, and was accustomed to regard him as a member 
 of the family ; but St, Jerome was a haughty and self- 
 satisfied man, for whom I felt nothing but that invol- 
 untary respect with which all grown people inspired 
 me. Karl Ivanovich was a funny old valet, whom I 
 loved with all my soul, but whom I placed, nevertheless, 
 below myself in my childish conception of social standing. 
 
 St. Jerome, on the contrary, was an educated, fine- 
 looking young dandy, who tried to stand on the same 
 level with us. 
 
 Karl Ivanovich used to scold and punish us with indif- 
 ference ; it was evident that he regarded it as a disagree- 
 able, though necessary, duty. St. Jerome, on the contrary, 
 liked to pose as a tutor ; it was evident that, when he 
 punished us, he did so more for his own pleasure than for 
 our good. He was carried away by his majesty. His 
 high-flowing French phrases, which he pronounced with 
 a strong accent on the last syllable, with circumflexes, 
 were inexpressibly repulsive to me. When Karl Ivan- 
 ovich grew angry, he said : " Puppet show, vanton boy, 
 Shampanish fly." St. Jerome called us " mauvais sujet, 
 vilain garnement" and so forth, giving me names which 
 offended my self-esteem.
 
 212 BOYHOOD 
 
 Karl Iv^novich used to put us on our knees with face 
 to the corner, and the punishment consisted in the physi- 
 cal pain which arose from such an attitude ; St. J^rSme 
 threw out his chest, made a majestic gesture with his 
 hand, and cried, in a tragic voice : " A genoux, mauvais 
 sujet ! " and compelled us to get down on our knees with 
 our faces turned toward him, and ask his forgiveness. 
 The punishment consisted in humiliation. 
 
 I was not punished and nobody even mentioned what 
 had happened to me ; but I could not forget what despair, 
 shame, and terror I had experienced in those two days. 
 Although St. J^rSme ever since then gave me up and 
 hardly paid any attention to me, I could not get accus- 
 tomed to looking upon him with equanimity. Every time 
 our eyes met by accident, I felt that my glance expressed 
 too much apparent hatred, and I hastened to assume an 
 expression of indifference ; but when I thought he under- 
 stood my simulation, I blushed and turned my face away 
 altogether. 
 
 In short, it was inexpressibly hard for me to have any 
 relations with hinL
 
 XVIII. 
 
 THE maids' chamber 
 
 I FELT more and more lonely, and my chief pleasures 
 were solitary meditations and observations. I shall tell 
 in the next chapter of the subject of my meditations ; but 
 the scene of my observations was preeminently the maids' 
 chamber, where a pathetic romance took place, which 
 interested me very much. The heroine of this romance, 
 of course, was Masha. She was in love with Vasili, who 
 had known her when she was stni at liberty, and who had 
 promised to marry her. Fate, which had separated them 
 five years before, had again brought them together in 
 grandmother's house, but had placed a barrier to their 
 mutual love in the person of Nikolay, Masha's uncle, who 
 would not hsten to Masha's marrying Vasili, whom he 
 called a weak-brained and reckless man. 
 
 This barrier had the result that Vasih, who heretofore 
 had been cold and careless in his relations to Masha, now 
 fell in love with her, and he fell in love as much as a man 
 is capable of such a sentiment, when he has been a tailor 
 in manorial service, wearing a rose-coloured blouse and 
 waxing his hair with pomatum. 
 
 Although his manifestations of love were very strange 
 and awkward (for example, whenever he met Masha he 
 tried to cause her pain : either he pinched her, or struck 
 her with the palm of his hand, or squeezed her with such 
 power that she scarcely could draw breath), his love was 
 sincere, which is proved even by this, that from the very 
 
 213
 
 214 BOYHOOD 
 
 time when NikoMy had definitely refused him the hand of 
 his niece, he had gone on a protracted spree from sorrow, 
 and frequented inns and was riotous in his behaviour, — 
 in short, he acted so outrageously that he often was sub- 
 jected to humiliating punishments at the pohce station. 
 But these actions of his and their consequences seemed 
 to constitute a special merit in Mdsha's eyes, and only 
 increased her love for him. Whenever Vasili was re- 
 tained in the lockup, Masha cried for days at a time 
 and did not dry her tears ; she complained of her bitter 
 fate to Gdsha, who took a lively part in the afifairs of the 
 unfortunate lovers, and papng no attention to her uncle's 
 scolding and beating, she stealthily ran to the poKce 
 station to visit and comfort her friend. 
 
 Eeader, do not look with contempt upon the society to 
 which I am introducing you ! If the strings of love and 
 sympathy have not slackened in your souls, you will find 
 sounds in the maids' chamber to which they will respond. 
 Whether you hke to follow me or not, I betake myself to 
 the landing on the staircase, from which I can see every- 
 thing that takes place in the room. There is the oven- 
 bench, upon which stands a flat-iron, a papier-mach^ doll 
 with a broken nose, a wash-basin, and a pitcher ; there is 
 the window, upon which Hes in disorder a bit of black 
 wax, a skein of silk, a half-eaten green cucumber and a 
 candy box; there is a large red table, upon which a 
 chintz-covered brick is placed over a new piece of sewing. 
 
 It was here that Masha sat, wearing my favourite, 
 rose-coloured gingham dress and blue kerchief, which par- 
 ticularly attracted my attention. She was sewing, and 
 stopped, now and then, to scratch her head with the 
 needle, or to fix the candle. I looked at her and thought : 
 Why was she not bom a lady with those bright blue 
 eyes, immense auburn braid and high breast ? How weU 
 she would look in a sitting-room in a cap with rose- 
 coloured ribbons and in a crimson capote, not such as Mimi
 
 THE maids' cuamber 215 
 
 had, but such as I had seen in the Tver Boulevard. She 
 would be working at the embroidery-frame, and I should 
 be looking at her in the mirror, and I should give her 
 anything she might ask for, hand her her cloak, and 
 myself serve her her food. 
 
 What a drunken face and repulsive figure that Vasili 
 had, in his tight coat which he wore over his dirty rose- 
 coloured blouse ! In every motion of his, in every curva- 
 ture of his back, I thought I read the undoubted signs of 
 the disgusting punishment which had befallen him. 
 
 " What, Vasya, again ? " said Masha, sticking her needle 
 into the cushion, and without raising her head to meet 
 Vasili, who was just entering. 
 
 " Well, what good will come from him ? " answered 
 Vasili. " If he'd only make his mind up one way or the 
 other ! As it is, I am ruined, and all on his account ! " 
 
 " Will you drink tea ? " said Nad^zhda, another chamber- 
 maid. 
 
 " Thank you very much. What does that thief, your 
 uncle, hate me for ? For having a decent suit, for my 
 bearing, for my gait ? In short — the deuce ! " Vasili 
 concluded, waving his hand. 
 
 " You must be submissive," said Masha, biting off a 
 thread, " but you, on the contrary — " 
 
 " My patience has given out, that's what ! " 
 
 Just then a door was heard slamming in grandmother's 
 room, and the gruff voice of Gasha, who was walking up 
 the stairs. 
 
 " Go and please her, when she does not know herself 
 what she wants — it is an accursed Hf e, a prisoner's life ! 
 If only the Lord will forgive my sin," she grumbled, 
 waving her arms. 
 
 " My respects to Agafya Mikhaylovna ! " said Vasih, 
 rising in his seat, as she entered. 
 
 " You here again ! I have other things to think of 
 besides your respects," she answered, looking threateningly
 
 216 BOYHOOD 
 
 at him. " Why are you coming here ? Is it proper for 
 a man to come to girls' rooms ? " 
 
 " I wanted to find out about your health," timidly said 
 Vasfli. 
 
 " I'll bite the dust soon, that's the way of my health ! " 
 angrily cried Agdfya Mikhaylovna at the top of her voice. 
 
 Vasfli laughed. 
 
 " There is nothing to laugh about, and when I tell you 
 to get out, go ! I declare, that heathen, that rascal wants 
 to marry ! Now, march, get out ! " 
 
 Agdfya Mikhaylovna stamped her foot and went to her 
 room, slamming the door with such force that the win- 
 dow-panes shook. 
 
 One could hear her behind the partition for a long 
 time, flinging about her things and pulHng the ears of her 
 favourite cat, wliile scolding everybody and everything, 
 and cursing her life ; finally the door was opened, and the 
 cat, mewing pitifully, was whirled out by her tail. 
 
 " I see I had better come some other time to take a 
 glass of tea," said Vasfli in a whisper. " Good-bye till the 
 next pleasant meeting ! " 
 
 " Never mind," said Nad^zhda, winking, " I shall go 
 and look after the samovdr." 
 
 " I will make an end of it," continued Vasfli, seating 
 himself nearer to Mdsha, the moment Nad^zhda left the 
 room. " Either I'll go straight to the countess, and will 
 say : ' It is so and so,' or I'll throw everything away, and, 
 upon my word, will run away to the end of the world." 
 
 " And I shall remain — " 
 
 " It is you alone I am sorry for, or else my head 
 would long ago have been in the free world, upon my 
 word, upon my word." 
 
 " Vasili, why don't you bring me your blouses to get 
 them washed," said Masha, after a minute's silence, " for 
 just see how black it is," she added, taking hold of the 
 collar of his blouse.
 
 THE maids' chamber 217 
 
 Just then grandmother's bell was heard down-stairs, 
 and Gdsha came out of her room. 
 
 " Well, rascal, what do you want of her ? " she said, 
 pushing Vasili out of the door, who got up in haste, when 
 he saw her. " This is what you have brought her to, and 
 now you annoy her. You beggar, you evidently take 
 delight in looking at her tears. Get out ! Let not your 
 breath be here again ! And what good thing have you 
 found in him ? " she continued, turning to Masha. " Has 
 your uncle not beaten you enough to-day ? No, you 
 stick to it : 'I sha'n't marry anybody but Vasili Gruskov ! ' 
 Fool ! " 
 
 " Yes, and I will not marry anybody, I will not love 
 anybody, even though you kill me," said Masha, suddenly 
 bursting into tears. 
 
 For a long time I looked at Masha, who lay on a trunk 
 and wiped her tears with her kerchief. I endeavoured to 
 get rid of my idea of Vasili, and to find that point of 
 view from which he could appear so attractive to her. 
 Yet, though I sincerely sympathized with her grief, I was 
 unable to comprehend how such a charming being as 
 Masha seemed to be in my eyes, could love Vasili. 
 
 " When I am grown up," I discoursed to myself, after 
 I had returned to my room, " the Petrovskoe estate will 
 go to me, and Vasili and Masha will be my serfs. I 
 shall be sitting in my cabinet and smoking a pipe. 
 Masha will pass to the kitchen with a flat-iron. I shall 
 say, ' Call Masha ! ' She will come, and nobody will be 
 in the room. Suddenly Vasili will enter, and, seeing 
 Masha, he will say : ' I am a ruined man ! ' and Masha, 
 too, will burst out weeping, and I shall say : ' Vasili, I 
 know that you love her, and that she loves you. Here, 
 take one thousand roubles, marry her, and God grant you 
 happiness ! ' and I shall myself go into the sofa-room." 
 
 Among the endless number of thoughts and dreams 
 that tracklessly cross the mind and the imagination,
 
 218 BOYHOOD 
 
 there are some that leave a deep, pronounced furrow be- 
 hind them ; so that frequently one remembers, without 
 remembering the essence of the thought, that something 
 good has been in the head, one feels the traces of the 
 thought, and tries to reproduce it. Such a deep trace 
 was left in my soul by the thought of sacrificing my feel- 
 ing in favour of M^sha's happiness, which she could find 
 only in her marriage with Vasili.
 
 XIX. 
 
 BOYHOOD 
 
 People will hardly believe what the favourite and most 
 constant subjects of my thoughts were during the period 
 of my boyhood, — for they were incompatible with my 
 age and station. But, according to my opinion, the in- 
 compatibihty between a man's position and his moral 
 activity is the safest token of truth. 
 
 In the course of the year, during which I led a soli- 
 tary, concentrated moral hfe, all abstract thoughts of 
 man's destiny, of the future life, of the immortality of the 
 soul presented themselves to my mind, and my weak 
 childish reason tried with all the fervour of inexperience 
 to elucidate those questions, whose proposition marks the 
 highest degree the human mind can reach, but the solu- 
 tion of which is not given to it. 
 
 It seems to me that the human mind in its evolution 
 passes in every separate individual over the same path on 
 which it evolves during whole generations ; that the ideas 
 which have served for the basis of distinct philosophical 
 theories form inseparable parts of mind ; and that every 
 man has more or less clearly been conscious of them long 
 before he knew of the existence of philosophical theories. 
 
 These ideas presented themselves to my mind with 
 such clearness and precision that I even tried to apply 
 them to life, imagining that I was the first who had dis- 
 covered such great and useful truths. 
 
 At one time it occurred to me that happiness did not 
 
 219
 
 220 BOYHOOD 
 
 depend on external causes, but on our relation to them ; 
 that a man who is accustomed to bear suffering could not 
 be unhappy. To accustom myself to endurance, I would 
 hold for five minutes at a time the dictionaries of Tatish» 
 chev in my outstretched hands, though that caused me 
 unspeakable pain, or I would go into the lumber-room 
 and strike my bare back so painfully with a rope that the 
 tears would involuntarily appear in my eyes. 
 
 At another time, I happened to think that death 
 awaited me at any hour and at any minute, and wonder- 
 ing how it was people had not seen this before me, I 
 decided that man cannot be happy otherwise than by 
 enjoying the present and not caring for the future. Under 
 the influence of this thought, I abandoned my lessons for 
 two or three days, and did nothing but lie on my bed and 
 enjoy myself reading some novel and eating honey cakes 
 which I bought with my last money. 
 
 At another time, as I was standing at the blackboard 
 and drawing various figures upon it with a piece of chalk, 
 I was suddenly struck by the idea: Why is symmetry 
 pleasant to the eye ? What is symmetry ? It is an 
 implanted feeling, I answered myself. What is it based 
 upon ? Is symmetry to be found in everything in life ? 
 Not at all. Here is life, — and I drew an oval figure on 
 the board. After Hfe the soul passes into eternity ; here 
 is eternity, — and I drew, on one side of the figure, a line 
 to the very edge of the board. Why is there no such 
 line on the other side of the figure ? Eeally, what kind 
 of an eternity is that which is only on one side ? We 
 have no doubt existed before this life, although we have 
 lost the recollection of it. 
 
 This consideration, which then appeared extremely 
 novel and clear to me, but the connection of which I can 
 barely make out now, gave me extreme pleasure, and I 
 took a sheet of paper and intended to put my idea down 
 in writing ; but such a mass of ideas suddenly burst upon
 
 BOYHOOD 221 
 
 me that I was compelled to get up and walk about the 
 room. As I walked up to the window, my attention 
 was drawn to the horse which a driver was hitching to a 
 water-cart, and all my thoughts centred on the solution 
 of the question, into what animal or man the soul of that 
 horse would pass after her death. Just then Vol6dya 
 crossed the room and, seeing that I was deep in thought, 
 smiled. This smile was enough to make me understand 
 that all I had been thinking about was the merest bosh. 
 
 I have told this memorable incident only to give the 
 reader an idea what my reasonings were like. 
 
 By none of these philosophical considerations was I so 
 carried away as by scepticism, which at one time led me 
 to a condition bordering on insanity. I imagined that 
 nothing existed in the whole world outside of me, that 
 objects were no objects, but only images which appeared 
 whenever I turned my attention to them, and that these 
 images would immediately disappear when I no longer 
 thought of them. In short, I held the conviction 
 with SchelKng that objects do not exist, but only my 
 relation to them. There were moments when, under the 
 influence of this fixed idea, I reached such a degree of 
 absurdity that I sometimes suddenly turned in the oppo- 
 site direction, hoping to take nothingness by surprise, 
 where I was not. 
 
 What a miserable, insignificant mainspring of moral 
 activities the human mind is ! 
 
 My feeble reason could not penetrate the impenetrable, 
 and in the labour which transcended its power, I lost, one 
 after another, those convictions which, for the happiness 
 of my life, I ought never to have presumed to touch. 
 
 From all that heavy moral labour I carried away nothing 
 but agility of mind, which weakened my will-power, and 
 a habit of constant moral analysis, which destroyed the 
 freshness of my feeling and the clearness of my under- 
 standing.
 
 222 BOYHOOD 
 
 Abstract ideas are formed in consequence of a man's 
 ability to grasp, consciously, the condition of his soul at 
 a certain moment, and to transfer it to his memory. My 
 inclination for abstract reasonings so unnaturally devel- 
 oped my consciousness that frequently, when I began to 
 think of the simplest thing, I fell into the inextricable 
 circle of the analysis of my thoughts, and I no longer 
 thought of the question which occupied my attention, but 
 I thought of the fact that I thought. If I asked myself : 
 Of what am I thinking ? I answered : I am thinking of 
 thinking. And what am I thinking of now? I am 
 thinking of thinking that I am thinking, and so on. 
 Reason was lost in empty speculation. 
 
 However, the philosophical discoveries which I made 
 flattered my vanity very much : I frequently imagined 
 myself a great man who was discoverimg new truths for 
 the good of mankind, and I looked upon all other mortals 
 with a proud consciousness of my dignity. But, strange 
 to say, whenever I came in contact with these mortals, I 
 grew timid, and the higher I placed myself in my own 
 opinion, the less I was able to express the consciousness 
 of my own dignity before others, and could not even get 
 accustomed to not being ashamed of every simplest word 
 and motion of mine.
 
 XX. 
 
 vol6dya 
 
 Yes, the farther I advance in the description of this 
 period of my Hfe, the harder and the more painful it is 
 getting for me. Among the memories of this time I 
 rarely, very rarely, find those moments of genuine, warm 
 feeling, which so brilliantly and constantly illuminated 
 the beginning of my life. I involuntarily want to run 
 through the desert of my boyhood as fast as possible, and 
 to reach that happy period, when the truly tender and 
 noble feeling of friendship again brightly illuminated the 
 end of that age, and laid the foundation for the new period 
 of youth, full of poetry and charm. 
 
 I shall not follow my memories hourly, but shall cast 
 a rapid glance at the most important events from the 
 time to which I have brought my narrative up to the 
 time of my association with an unusual man who had a 
 definite and beneficent influence upon my character and 
 thought. 
 
 Volodya was on the point of entering the university. 
 He had separate teachers, and I listened with envy and 
 involuntary awe when he, tapping the chalk on the black- 
 board, talked of functions, sinuses, coordinates, and so on, 
 which seemed to me to be the expressions of an inaccessi- 
 ble wisdom. One Sunday, after dinner, aU the teachers 
 and two professors assembled in grandmother's room, and 
 in presence of some invited guests rehearsed a university 
 examination, at which rehearsal Volodya, to grandmother's 
 
 223
 
 224 BOYHOOD 
 
 great delight, showed unusual knowledge. They also 
 asked me some questions in a few subjects, but I made 
 a very poor showing, and the professors were evidently 
 anxious to conceal my ignorance from grandmother, 
 which confused me even more. However, they paid lit- 
 tle attention to me ; I was only fifteen years old, and I 
 had another year yet till my examination. Volodya came 
 down-stairs only for dinner, and passed his whole days 
 and even evenings up-stairs studying, not because he was 
 compelled to do so, but from his own choice. He was 
 very vain, and did not wish to pass a mediocre, but an 
 excellent examination. 
 
 At last the day for the first examination arrived. Vo- 
 lodya put on a blue dress coat with brass buttons, a gold 
 watch, and lacquered boots. Papa's phaeton drove up to 
 the porch, NikoMy threw back the boot, and Volodya 
 and St. Jerome drove to the university. The girls, espe- 
 cially Katenka, with joyful and ecstatic countenances, 
 looked through the veindow at the stately figure of Vo- 
 lodya, as he seated himseK in the carriage, and papa said : 
 " God grant it, God grant it ! " and grandmother, who had 
 also dragged herself to the window, with tears in her 
 eyes made the sign of the cross at Volodya until the 
 phaeton was lost around the corner of the street, and 
 even after that continued murmuring something. 
 
 Volddya returned. All impatiently asked him : " Well ? 
 Was it all right ? How much did you get ? " It was, 
 however, evident from his looks that everything had gone 
 well. Volodya had received a five mark. On the next 
 day he was seen off with the same wishes for success and 
 with anxiety, and he was met with the same impatience 
 and joy. Thus nine days passed. On the tenth day was 
 to be the last, the most difficult examination, in religion. 
 All stood at the window, and awaited him with even 
 greater impatience. It was two o'clock, and Volddya had 
 not yet returned.
 
 vol(5dya 225 
 
 " Lord ! Dear me ! It is they ! they ! " cried Lyii- 
 bochka, pressing against the window. 
 
 And there, in reality, side by side with St. Jerome, sat 
 Volodya, but no longer in the blue dress coat and gray 
 cap, but in a student's uniform with a hand-sewn blue 
 collar, three-cornered hat, and gilt short sword at his 
 side. 
 
 " Oh, if you were alive ! " cried grandmother, when she 
 saw Volodya in his uniform, and fell into a swoon. 
 
 Volodya ran into the antechamber with a beaming face 
 and kissed and embraced me, Lyiibochka, Mimi, and 
 Katenka, who blushed up to her ears. Volodya was be- 
 side himself with joy. And how well he looked in that 
 uniform! How becoming his blue collar was to his 
 sprouting black moustache ! What a long, thin waist and 
 noble carriage he had ! 
 
 On that memorable day all dined in grandmother's 
 room. Joy was in the faces of all, and at dinner, during 
 dessert, a servant, with an adequately majestic, yet merry 
 countenance, brought a bottle of champagne, wrapped in 
 a napkin. Grandmother, for the first time after mother's 
 death, drank champagne, emptying a whole glass as she 
 congratulated Volodya, and again wept for joy, looking at 
 him. 
 
 Volodya after that drove out alone, in his own carriage, 
 received his own acquaintances, smoked, and drove to 
 balls ; and I myself once saw him drink two bottles of 
 champagne with his acquaintances in his room, while 
 with every glass they drank the health of some myste- 
 rious persons, and discussed who would get le fond de la 
 houteille. Yet he dined regularly at home, and after 
 dinner sat down, as formerly, in the sofa-room, and al- 
 ways mysteriously chatted with Katenka about something. 
 As much as I could make out, without taking part in 
 their conversations, they were talking about the heroes 
 and heroines of novels they had read, about jealousy, and
 
 226 BOYHOOD 
 
 love, and I could not understand what interest they could 
 find in such discussions, nor why they smiled so gently 
 and discussed so fervently. 
 
 I noticed in general that between Kdtenka and Vo- 
 16dya there existed, in addition to the natural friendship 
 between companions of childhood, some other strange 
 relation, which removed them from us, and mysteriously 
 bound them together.
 
 XXI 
 
 KATENKA AND LY^BOCHKA 
 
 Katenka was sixteen years old. She was tall; hei 
 augularity of form, her bashfulness and awkwardness of 
 movement, which are peculiar to a girl in her transitional 
 age, had given way to the harmonious freshness and 
 gracefulness of a newly budded flower ; but she had not 
 changed. The same light blue eyes and smiling counte- 
 nance; the same straight nose, with its strong nostrils, 
 forming almost a line with her forehead, and her little 
 mouth with its bright smile; the same tiny dimples on 
 her transparent rosy cheeks ; the same httle white hands, 
 — and, for some reason, her former name of a " clean " 
 girl remarkably fitted her even then. The only new 
 things were her thick blond braid, which she wore hke 
 grown young ladies, and her young breast, the appearance 
 of which visibly pleased and shamed her. 
 
 Though Lyilbochka had grown up and had been 
 educated together with her, she was in every respect a 
 different girl. Lyubochka was not tall in stature, and she 
 was bow-legged from early rickets, and had a badly 
 shaped waist. In her whole figure nothing was beautiful 
 but her eyes, and her eyes were beautiful indeed ; they 
 were large and black, and had such an irresistibly pleas- 
 ant expression of dignity and naivete that they invariably 
 arrested the attention. Lyubochka was simple and nat- 
 ural in everything, while Katenka, so it seemed, always 
 tried to resemble somebody. Lyubochka always looked 
 
 227
 
 228 BOYHOOD 
 
 straight at you, and, at times, when she fixed her immense 
 black eyes on a person, she did not take them away 
 for so long, that she was scolded for being impolite ; 
 Kdtenka, on the contrary, lowered her eyelashes, blinked, 
 and assured people that she was near-sighted, while I 
 knew very well that she had good eyesight. 
 
 Lyiibochka. did not like to be demonstrative in the 
 presence of strangers, and when some one began to kiss 
 her before guests, she pouted and said that she could not 
 bear " tenderness." Katenka, on the other hand, grew 
 particularly affectionate to Mimi, whenever guests were 
 about, and was fond of walking up and down the parlour 
 with her arms about some girl. Lyiibochka was a terrible 
 giggler, and often, when in a fit of laughter, waved her 
 arms and ran up and down the room ; Kdtenka, on the 
 contrary, covered her mouth with a handkerchief or with 
 her hand, whenever she began to laugh. Lyiibochka 
 always sat straight, and walked with her arms hanging 
 down ; Kdtenka held her head a little on one side, and 
 walked with her arms folded. 
 
 Lyiibochka was always exceedingly happy whenever 
 she had a chance to talk to a very tall man, and she used 
 to say that she would marry nobody but a hussar; 
 Katenka, however, said that all men were equally distaste- 
 ful to her and that she would never marry, and she acted, 
 every time she spoke with a man, hke an entirely different 
 person, as though she was afraid of something. Lyiibochka 
 always quarrelled with Mimi for lacing her corsets so 
 tightly that it was impossible to breathe, and was fond 
 of something good to eat ; Katenka, on the contrary, 
 frequently put her finger under the band of her skirt, to 
 show us how loose it was, and she ate very little. Lyii- 
 bochka was fond of drawing heads, while Kdtenka drew 
 only flowers and butterflies. Lyiibochka played with 
 great clearness Field's concerts and a few sonatas of 
 Beethoven ; Katenka played variations and waltzes, re-
 
 KATENKA AND LYU130CHKA 229 
 
 tarded the tempo, banged, continually took the pedal, and, 
 before starting out to play, feelingly took three chords 
 arpeggio. 
 
 But Kateuka, as I then used to think, resembled a 
 grown woman more, and therefore she pleased me more.
 
 xxn. 
 
 PAPA 
 
 Papa had been unusually happy ever since Vol6dya 
 entered the university, and came more frequently than 
 was his custom to dine with grandmother. However, 
 his happiness, as I found out from Nikoldy, was caused 
 by his unusually great winnings. It even happened that 
 he came to see us in the evening, before going to his club ; 
 he then seated himself at the piano, gathered us all about 
 him, and, tapping with his soft boots (he could not bear 
 heels, which he never wore), sang gipsy songs. It was 
 then a sight to see the ridiculous ecstasy of his favourite, 
 Lyubochka, who simply worshipped him. At times he 
 came to the class-room and listened with austere face to 
 the recital of my lessons, but by the few words which he 
 employed in order to correct me I noticed that he did not 
 know the subjects well in which I was being instructed. 
 At times he stealthily winked at us and made signs to us, 
 when grandmother began to growl and scold everybody 
 without cause. " Well, we did catch it, children ! " he 
 would say afterward. In general, he came down in my 
 opinion, from that inaccessible height where my childish 
 imagination had placed him. I kissed his large white 
 hand with the same genuine feeling of love and respect, 
 but I took the hberty of deliberating about him, and 
 judging his acts, and I was involuntarily surprised by 
 thoughts that frightened me. I shall never forget the 
 
 230
 
 PAPA 231 
 
 occasion that inspired me with many such thoughts and 
 afforded me much moral suffering. 
 
 Late one evening he entered the sitting-room in his 
 black dress coat and white vest, to take Volddya, who 
 was dressing at that time in his room, to a ball. Grand- 
 mother was waiting in her chamber for Vol6dya to appear 
 before her, for she was in the habit of calling him up 
 before every ball, to bless him, look him over, and give 
 him instructions. In the parlour, which was lighted only 
 by one lamp, Mimi and K^tenka paced up and down, 
 while Lyubochka sat at the piano and studied Field's 
 second concert, mamma's favourite piece. 
 
 I have never seen such a family resemblance as existed 
 between sister and mother. This resemblance did not 
 consist in the face, nor in the whole figure, but in some- 
 thing intangible : in the hands, in the manner of walking, 
 but especially in the voice and in certain expressions. 
 When Lyubochka was angry and said : " They keep me 
 my whole life," she pronounced these words " my whole 
 life," which mamma, too, was in the habit of using, in 
 such a manner, somewhat protracted, like " my who-o-le 
 life," that I thought I heard mamma ; but most striking 
 was the resemblance in her playing, and in all her attitudes 
 at the piano : she arranged her dress in the same way, in 
 the same way turned the pages with her left hand, in the 
 same way struck the keys with her fist, when she was 
 angry because she did not succeed in playing smoothly a 
 difficult passage, and said : " Lord," and there was the 
 same inimitable tenderness and clearness of expression, 
 that beautiful expression of Field's, which is so appro- 
 priately called jeu perlS, the charm of which all the hocus- 
 pocus of the modern pianists has not been able to 
 obliterate. 
 
 Papa entered the room with rapid, mincing steps, and 
 walked up to Lyubochka, who stopped playing the 
 moment she noticed him.
 
 232 BOYHOOD 
 
 " No, keep on, Lyiibochka, keep on ! " he said, seating 
 her on the stool, " you know how I like to hear you." 
 
 Lyubochka continued to play, and papa sat long oppo- 
 site her, leaning on his arm ; then he suddenly jerked 
 his shoulder, rose from his chair, and began to pace the 
 room. Every time he came near the piano, he stopped 
 and gazed long and fixedly at Lyubochka. I observed 
 by his movements and gait that he was agitated. After 
 crossing the parlour several times, he stopped behind 
 Lyubochka's seat and kissed her black hair, then he 
 rapidly turned about, and continued to pace the room. 
 When Lyubochka had finished her playing and walked 
 up to him with the question : " Was it all right ? " he 
 silently took her head and began to kiss her brow and 
 eyes with a tenderness I had never seen in him before. 
 
 " Lord, you are weeping ! " suddenly said Lyubochka, 
 letting the chain of his watch slip out of her hands, and 
 fixing her large, wondering eyes upon his face. " Forgive 
 me, darling father, I forgot entirely that it was mother's 
 piece." 
 
 " Not at all, my dear girl, play it often," he said in a 
 voice quivering with emotion ; " if you only knew how 
 much good it does me to weep with you ! " 
 
 He kissed her once more and, trying to overcome 
 his inward agitation, went, with a jerk of his shoulder, 
 through the door that led over the corridor to Vol6dya's 
 room. 
 
 "V61demar! Shall you be ready soon?" he called 
 out, stopping in the middle of the corridor. Just then 
 chambermaid Mdsha passed by him. When she saw her 
 master, she lowered her eyes and wanted to make a 
 circuit round him. He stopped her. " You are getting 
 prettier all the time," he said, leaning down to her. 
 
 Mdsha blushed, and lowered her head still more. 
 " Allow me," she whispered. 
 
 " V61demar, wiU it be long ? " papa repeated, shrugging
 
 PAPA 233 
 
 his shoulder and coughing, when M^sha had passed by 
 him, and he saw me. 
 
 I loved my father, but a man's mind lives independ- 
 ently from his heart, and frequently harbours incompre- 
 hensible and cruel thoughts which offend his feelings. 
 Such thoughts came to me, though I endeavoured to 
 remove them.
 
 xxm. 
 
 GRANDMOTHER 
 
 Grandmother grew weaker from day to day. Her 
 bell, the voice of gruff Gdsha, and the slamming of the 
 doors were heard with increasing frequency in her room, 
 and she no longer received us in her cabinet, seated in 
 her armchair, but in her chamber, lying upon a high bed 
 with lace-covered pillows. When I greeted her, I noticed 
 a hght yellow shining swelhng on her hand, and in the 
 room was a heavy odour, such as I had smelled five years 
 before in mother's room. The doctor called upon her 
 three times a day, and several consultations had taken 
 place. But her character, her proud, ceremonious treat- 
 ment of all the people of the house, especially of papa, 
 had not changed in the least. She stretched her words 
 as before, and raised her brows and said : " My dear ! " 
 
 We had not been admitted to her presence for several 
 days, when one morning St. J^rSme proposed to me dur- 
 ing class hours that I should go out driving with Lyu- 
 bochka and Kdtenka. Though, while seating myself in 
 the sleigh, I noticed that the street was covered with 
 straw under grandmother's windows, and that some 
 strange people in blue cloaks were standing near our gate, 
 I could not make out why we were sent out driving at 
 such an inauspicious hour. On that day, and during the 
 drive, Lyubochka and I were, for some reason, in that 
 unusually happy frame of mind when every incident, 
 every word, every motion caused us to laugh. 
 
 234
 
 GRANDMOTHER 235 
 
 A peddler trotted across the road clutching his tray, — 
 and we laughed. A ragged Jehu, waving the ends of his 
 lines, in a gallop caught up with our sleigh, — and we 
 laughed. Filipp's whip caught in the runner of the 
 sleigh ; he turned around and called out, " The deuce ! " 
 and we roared with laughter. Mimi said, with a dis- 
 satisfied look, that only stupid people laughed without 
 cause, and Lyiibochka, red with exertion from a subdued 
 laugh, looked at me stealthily. Our eyes met, and we 
 burst into such a Homeric laugh, that tears stood 
 in our eyes, and we were unable to restrain the torrent 
 of laughter which was choking us. No sooner had we 
 quieted down a little, than I looked at Lyubochka and 
 pronounced the secret word which had been current 
 among us for some time and which invariably produced 
 laughter, and we roared again. 
 
 Just as we were reaching home, I opened my mouth to 
 make a face at Lyubochka, when my eyes were struck by 
 the lid of a black coffin, which was leaning against the 
 wing of the entrance door, and my mouth remained in its 
 contorted position. 
 
 " Votre grand'mere est morte ! " said St. J^rSme with 
 a pale face, coming out to meet us. 
 
 During all the time that grandmother's body remained 
 in the house, I experienced the heavy feeling of the terror 
 of death ; that is, the dead body vividly and unpleasantly 
 reminded me of the fact that I should die some day, — a 
 feeling which, for some reason, is confounded with grief. 
 I did not regret grandmother, and I doubt if any one 
 sincerely regretted her. Though the house was full of 
 mourning visitors, nobody regretted her death, except one 
 person, whose unbounded grief amazed me inexpressibly. 
 That person was chambermaid G^sha. She went to the 
 garret, locked herself up there, and, without ceasing to 
 weep, cursed herself, tore her hair, would not listen to any 
 consolation, and kept on saying that her own death would
 
 236 BOYHOOD 
 
 be her only consolation after the death of her beloved 
 mistress. 
 
 I again repeat that improbability in matters of feeling 
 is the surest token of truth. 
 
 Grandmother was no more, but the memories of her 
 and the various discussions about her were still living in 
 our house. These discussions referred especially to the 
 will which she had made before her demise, and which 
 nobody knew, except her executor, Prince Ivdn Ivdnovich. 
 I noticed a certain agitation among the servants of grand- 
 mother, and there were frequent conversations about 
 what each could expect, and, I must confess, I involun- 
 tarily thought with pleasure of our getting an inheritance. 
 
 Six weeks later, NikoMy — the daily gazette of the 
 news of our house — told me that grandmother had left 
 her whole estate to Lyiibochka, leaving the guardianship 
 up to her marriage not to papa, but to Prince Ivdn Ivdno- 
 vich.
 
 XXIV. 
 
 But a few months were left before my entering the 
 university. I studied well. I not only waited for my 
 teachers without fear, but even experienced a certain 
 pleasure in my class work. 
 
 I felt happy whenever I recited my lesson clearly and 
 distinctly. I was preparing for the mathematical faculty ; 
 which selection, to tell the truth, I made only because 
 the words sinus, tangent, differential, integral, and so on, 
 pleased me very much. 
 
 I was much smaller than Volodya, broad-shouldered 
 and flabby, and as homely as ever, which worried me, as 
 before. I tried to appear original. One thing consoled 
 me : namely, that papa had said about me that I had a 
 " clever phiz," and I firmly believed it. 
 
 St. Jerome was satisfied with me and praised me, and 
 I not only did not hate him, but it even seemed to me 
 that I loved him when he said that with my abihty, with 
 my mind, it would be a shame if I did not accomplish 
 this or that. 
 
 My observations in the maids' chamber had ceased 
 long ago, for I felt ashamed to conceal myself behind the 
 door, and, besides, my conviction of Mdsha's and Vasili's 
 love had, I must say, somewhat cooled me off. I was 
 completely cured of this unfortunate passion by Vasili's 
 marriage, for which, at Vasili's request, I asked papa's 
 permission. 
 
 237
 
 238 BOYHOOD 
 
 When the newly married couple came, with candy on a 
 tray, to thank papa, and when Mdsha, in a cap with blue 
 ribbons, thanked us all for something, kissing each of us 
 on the shoulder, I smelled only the perfume of rose po- 
 matum on her hair, and did not feel the least emotion. 
 
 I began to be cured altogether of my boyish faults, ex- 
 cept the chief fault, which was to cause me no end of 
 trouble in my life, — the tendency to philosophize.
 
 XXV. 
 
 vol6dya's friends 
 
 Although I played in the company of Volddya's ac- 
 quaintances a part which offended my vanity, I liked to 
 sit in his room, when he had guests, and in sHence to 
 observe everything that took place there. His most fre- 
 quent visitors were Adjutant Dubkdv and Prince Nekh- 
 lyiidov, a student. Dubkdv, who had passed his first 
 youth, was a small, muscular fellow, of dark complexion. 
 He had rather short legs, but was not bad-looking, and 
 was always jolly. He was one of those narrow-minded 
 men who please on account of their very narrow-minded- 
 ness, who are not able to see objects from various sides, 
 and who are eternally carried away by something. The 
 reasoning of such people is one-sided and faulty, but 
 always open-hearted and persuasive. Even their narrow 
 egotism somehow appears pardonable and attractive. In 
 addition, Dubkdv had a double charm for Volddya and 
 me, that of his military appearance and, chiefly, of age, 
 which young people are in the habit of mistaking for 
 decency (comme il faut), which is highly valued in these 
 years. And, indeed, Dubkdv was what one calls "un 
 homme comme il faut." One thing displeased me, and 
 that was that Volddya seemed to be ashamed before him 
 for all my innocent acts, but more especially for my 
 youth. 
 
 Nekhlyudov was not good-looking : his small, gray eyes, 
 low, straight forehead, disproportionate arms and legs 
 
 239
 
 240 BOYHOOD 
 
 could not be regarded as beautiful features. His redeem- 
 ing features were his very tall stature, soft complexion, 
 and beautiful teeth. But his face assumed such an origi- 
 nal and energetic character from his narrow, glistening 
 eyes and changeable, now severe, now childishly indefinite 
 smile, that one could not fail to take notice of him. 
 
 He seemed to be very bashful, because every trifle 
 made him blush to his ears ; but his bashfulness was dif- 
 ferent from mine. The more he blushed, the more deter- 
 mination his face expressed, as though he was angry at 
 his own weakness. 
 
 Though he appeared to be very friendly with Dubk6v 
 and Volodya, it was evident that only chance had brought 
 them together. Their views were quite different : Dubkdv 
 and Volodya avoided everything that resembled serious 
 discussion and sentimentality ; Nekhlyiidov, on the con- 
 trary, was an enthusiast in the highest degree, and in 
 spite of ridicule, often entered into the discussion of 
 philosophical questions and of sentiments. Volodya and 
 Dubkov were fond of talking of the objects of their love 
 (they were generally in love with several women at the 
 same time and both with the same woman) ; Nekhlyiidov, 
 on the contrary, was always seriously angry when they 
 hinted of his love for a red-haired girl. 
 
 Volodya and Dubkov often allowed themselves to speak 
 hghtly of their relatives ; Nekhlyudov, on the contrary, 
 was beside himself with anger at any unfavourable refer- 
 ence to his aunt, for whom he felt an ecstatic adoration. 
 Volodya and Dubkdv drove away after supper without 
 Nekhlyudov, whom they called a " blushing maiden." 
 
 I was struck from the start by Nekhlyudov, both on 
 account of his conversation and his looks. Yet, in spite 
 of the fact that I found many common points in our 
 views, or, maybe, on account of it, — the feeling with 
 which he inspired me when I first saw him was far from 
 friendly.
 
 vol6dya's friends 241 
 
 I did not like his rapid glance, firm voice, haughty- 
 mien, but, above all, the complete indifference which he 
 showed me, I often felt dreadfully like contradicting 
 him, when he was talking ; I wished to dispute with him, 
 to punish him for his haughtiness, and to prove to 
 him that I was sensible, even though he did not wish 
 to pay the least attention to me. My bashfulness kept 
 me back.
 
 XXVI. 
 
 REFLECTIONS 
 
 VoLODYA was lying with his feet on a sofa, and leaning 
 on his arm, was reading some French novel, when I, after 
 my evening classes, entered his room, as usual. He Hfted 
 his head for a second to look at me, and again turned to 
 his reading, — a very simple and natural movement, but 
 it made me blush. It seemed to me that in his glance 
 was expressed the question why I had come there, and 
 that in the rapid incHnation of his head was manifested a 
 desire of concealing from me the meaning of that glance. 
 This tendency to give a meaning to the simplest motion 
 was a characteristic of mine at that period. I went up 
 to the table and picked up a book ; but before I began to 
 read it, it occurred to me that it was too ridiculous that, 
 not having seen each other for a whole day, we should 
 exchange no words. 
 
 " Shall you be at home this evening ? " 
 
 " I do not know. Why ? " 
 
 " Nothing," I said, and noticing that there was a hitch 
 in the conversation, I took the book and began to read. 
 
 Oddly enough, Vol6dya and I passed whole hours in 
 silence, when face to face with each other, but the pres- 
 ence of a third, even silent, person, was sufficient to make 
 us enter into most interesting and varied conversations. 
 We felt that we knew each other too well, and to know 
 each other too much or too little is equally unfavourable 
 for a close communion. 
 
 242
 
 REFLECTIONS 243 
 
 " Is Vol(5dya at home ? " was heard Dubkdv's voice in 
 the antechamber. 
 
 " Yes," said Volddya, taking down his legs and placing 
 his book on the table. 
 
 Dubk6v and Nekhlyiidov, dressed in their overcoats 
 and hats, entered the room. 
 
 " Well, Volddya, shall we drive to the theatre ? " 
 
 " No, I have no time," said Volddya, blushing. 
 
 " Don't say that ! Come, let us go ! " 
 
 " I have not even a ticket." 
 
 " You may get all the tickets you want at the entrance." 
 
 " Wait, I shall be back in a moment," Volddya said 
 evasively, and, jerking his shoulder, left the room. 
 
 I knew that Volddya wanted very much to go to the 
 theatre, to which Dubkdv had invited him, that he de- 
 clined only because he had no money, and that he went 
 out to borrow five roubles of the steward against his next 
 allowance. 
 
 " Good evening, diplomat ! " Dubkdv said to me, giving 
 me his hand. 
 
 Volddya's friends called me diplomat, because once at 
 dinner grandmother, who was talking of our future, said, 
 in their presence, that Volddya would be a soldier, and 
 that she hoped to see me in the diplomatic service in a 
 black dress coat and with my hair combed A la coq, 
 which, in her opinion, were the necessary conditions for 
 a diplomatic calling. 
 
 " Where has Volddya gone ? " Nekhlyudov asked me. 
 
 " I do not know," I answered, blushing at the thought 
 that they, no doubt, guessed the cause of Volddya's leaving. 
 
 " I suppose he has no money. Am I right ? O diplo- 
 mat ! " he added affirmatively, as he explained my smile. 
 " I have not any money, either. And have you any, 
 Dubkdv ? " 
 
 " Let us see," said Dubkdv, taking out his purse and 
 very carefully feeling a few small coins with his short
 
 244 BOYHOOD 
 
 fingers. "Here is a five-kopek piece, here is a twenty- 
 kopek piece, and then fffu ! " he said, making a comic 
 gesture with his hand. 
 
 Volddya entered the room. 
 I " Well, are we going ? " 
 
 " No." 
 
 " How funny you are ! " said Nekhlyiidov. " Why did 
 you not tell us that you had no money ? Take my ticket 
 if you wish ! " 
 
 " And how about you ? " 
 
 " He will go to the box of his cousins," said Dubkdv. 
 
 " No, I shall not go at all." 
 
 " Why ? " 
 
 " Because, as you know, I do not like to stay in a box." 
 
 " Why ? " 
 
 " I do not Hke it ; I do not feel at ease." 
 
 " The old story ! I can't understand why you should 
 feel ill at ease, where everybody likes to see you. It is 
 ridiculous, mon cher." 
 
 " What is to be done, si je suis timide ? I am sure 
 you have never blushed in all your life, but I do, for the 
 merest trifle ! " he said, blushing. 
 
 " Savez vous d'oil vient voire timidiU ? D'un exceS 
 d'amour propre, mon cher" said Dubkov, in a con- 
 descending tone. 
 
 " Where does the exces d'amour propre come in ? " 
 answered Nekhlyiidov, touched to the quick. " On the 
 contrary, I am timid because I have too little amour 
 propre; it always seems to me that people must feel 
 tired and annoyed in my presence — that's why." 
 
 " Dress yourself, Vol6dya ! " said Dubk6v, taking him 
 by his shoulder, aud pulling ofif his coat. " Igndt, your 
 master wants to dress ! " 
 
 " That's why I often feel — " continued Nekhlyiidov. 
 
 But Dubkov did not listen to him. " Tra-la-ta-ra-ra-la- 
 la," he sang out some air.
 
 REFLECTIONS 245 
 
 " You can't get rid of me," said Nekhlyiidov. " I'll 
 prove to you that bashfulness originates from anything 
 but egoism." 
 
 " You may prove it when we are out driving." 
 
 " I told you I was not going with you." 
 
 " Well, then, stay here and prove it to the diplomat ; 
 he will tell it to us when we return." 
 
 " I will prove it," replied Nekhlyiidov with childish 
 stubbornness, " only come back as soon as possible." 
 
 " Do you think I am egoistic ? " he said, sitting down 
 near me. 
 
 Although I had made up my mind in regard to this, I 
 became so timid from this sudden question that it was 
 some time before I could answer him. 
 
 " I think you are," I said, feeling my voice tremble, 
 and my face flush at the thought that the time had come 
 to prove to him that I was a man of sense. " I think 
 that every man is egoistic, and that all a man does he does 
 through egoism." 
 
 " What, then, in your opinion, is egoism ? " said Nekh- 
 lyudov, smiling rather contemptuously, as I thought. 
 
 " Egoism," I said, " is the conviction that I am better 
 and wiser than all men." 
 
 " But how can all be convinced of this ? " 
 
 " I do not know whether it is just or not, only nobody 
 acknowledges it but me. I am convinced that I am wiser 
 than anybody in the world, and I am convinced that 
 you, too, have the same conviction as regards yourself." 
 
 "No, I must say for my own part that I have met 
 people whom I have acknowledged to be wiser than I am," 
 said Nekhlyudov. 
 
 " It is impossible," I answered with conviction. 
 
 " Do you really think so ? " said Nekhlyudov, looking 
 fixedly at me. 
 
 " In all earnest," I answered. 
 
 And suddenly a thought struck me, which I at once
 
 246 BOYHOOD 
 
 expressed: "I shall prove it to you. Why do we love 
 ourselves more than others ? Because we regard ourselves 
 better than others, and more worthy of love. If we found 
 others to be better than we are, we should love them 
 better than ourselves, but this never happens. And if it 
 does happen, I am still right," I added with an involuntary 
 smile of self-satisfaction. 
 
 Nekhlyudov was silent for moment. 
 
 " I never imagined you were such a clever fellow ! " he 
 said to me, with so kindly, good-hearted a smile that it 
 suddenly seemed to me that I was exceedingly happy. 
 
 Praise acts so powerfully not only on the feelings, but 
 also on the reason of a man, that under its pleasant 
 influence I thought that I had become much wiser, and 
 ideas one after another crowded into my head with unusual 
 rapidity. From egoism we passed to love, and the con- 
 versation upon that theme seemed inexhaustible. Though 
 to an outsider these reflections might have appeared as 
 the merest rubbish, — they were so obscure and one-sided, 
 — they were of high importance to us. Our souls were 
 attuned in the same key, so that the least touch of any 
 one string found an echo in the other. We had pleasure 
 in this very responsiveness of the various strings which 
 we touched in our conversation. It seemed to us that 
 we lacked words and time to express to each other our 
 thoughts, that begged for recognition.
 
 XXVII. 
 
 THE BEGINNING OF THE FRIENDSHIP 
 
 Since then sufficiently strange, but exceedingly pleasant 
 relations established themselves between me and Dmitri 
 Nekhlyiidov. In the presence of other people he paid 
 almost no attention to me ; but the moment we happened 
 to be alone, we seated ourselves in a cosy corner, and 
 began to philosophize, forgetting everything and not notic- 
 ing how time flew. 
 
 We discussed the future life, art, government service, 
 marriage, education of children, and it never occurred to 
 us that all we were saying was the most terrible nonsense. 
 This did not occur to us, because the nonsense we were 
 talking was wise and agreeable nonsense; and in youth 
 we still value reason, and believe in it. In youth all the 
 powers of the soul are directed to the future, and this 
 future assumes, under the influence of hope, which is based, 
 not on the experience of the past, but on an imaginary 
 possibility of happiness, such varied, living, and enchanting 
 forms, that the mere conceived and imparted dreams of a 
 future happiness constitute the genuine happiness of that 
 age. In the metaphysical discussions, which formed one 
 of the chief subjects of our conversations, I liked that 
 minute when the thoughts followed each other faster and 
 faster and, becoming ever more abstract, finally reached 
 such a degree of mistiness that I no longer saw any 
 possibility of expressing them, and, trying to say what I 
 thought, said something entirely different. I liked that 
 
 247
 
 248 BOYHOOD 
 
 minute when, rising ever higher in the sphere of thought, 
 I suddenly grasped all its immeasurableness, and became 
 conscious of the impossibility of going any farther. 
 
 Once, during the Butter-Week, Nekhlyiidov was so 
 busy with all kinds of pleasures that, though he called 
 several times a day at our house, he did not once speak 
 to me, and this so offended me that I again thought of 
 him as a haughty and disagreeable man. I only waited 
 for an opportunity to show him that I did not in the least 
 value his society, and did not have any particular attach- 
 ment for him. 
 
 When he wanted to talk to me for the first time, after 
 the Butter- Week, I told him that I had to prepare my 
 lessons, and went up-stairs ; but fifteen minutes later some- 
 body opened the door of the class-room, and Nekhlyudov 
 came up to me. 
 
 " Am I disturbing you ? " he said. 
 
 " No," I answered, though I had intended to show him 
 that I really was busy. 
 
 " Then why did you go away from Vol6dya's room ? 
 We have not philosophized for quite awhile. And I am 
 so used to it, that I feel as though something were 
 wanting." 
 
 My annoyance passed away in a minute, and Dmitri 
 again became in my eyes the good and dear man he was. 
 
 " You, no doubt, know why I went out," said I. 
 
 " Perhaps," he answered, seating himself near me. 
 " But if I do guess it, I cannot tell you, though you may 
 tell me," he said. 
 
 " I will tell you. I went away because I was angry 
 with you — not angry, but I was annoyed. I am 
 simply always afraid that you despise me because I am 
 so young." 
 
 " Do you know why we have become so friendly ? " he 
 said, answering my confession with a wise, kindly smile, 
 "why I love you more than people with whom I am
 
 THE BEGINNING OF THE FRIENDSHIP 249 
 
 better acquainted, and with whom I have more in 
 common ? I have just solved it. You have a remarkable, 
 rare quahty — sincerity." 
 
 " Yes, I always say those things which I am ashamed 
 to confess," I confirmed him, " but only to those of whom 
 I am sure." 
 
 " Yes. But to be sure of a man, one must be friends 
 with him, but we are not yet friends, Nicolas. You 
 remember we said of friendship that, in order to be true 
 friends, each must be sure of the other." 
 
 " Sure that you will not tell anybody what I tell 
 you," I said. " And the most important and interesting 
 thoughts are those which we would not tell each other for 
 anything. And mean thoughts, — contemptible thoughts 
 would never dare to enter our minds, if we knew that we 
 had to confess them." 
 
 " Do you know what idea has struck me, Nicolas ? " he 
 added, rising from his chair, and rubbing his hands with 
 a smile. " Let us do it, and you will see how useful it will 
 be to both of us : let us promise to confess everything to 
 each other ! We shall know each other, and we shall have 
 no scruples ; and, not to be afraid of outsiders, let us 
 promise never to mention each other to anybody, at any 
 time ! Let us do it ! " 
 
 " All right," I said. 
 
 And we really did it. I shall tell you later what came 
 of it. 
 
 Karr has said that in every attachment there are two 
 sides : one loves, the other allows itself to be loved ; one 
 kisses, the other submits its cheek. That is quite true, 
 lu our friendship, I kissed, and Dmftri submitted his 
 cheek ; but he, too, was ready to kiss me. We loved 
 equally, because we knew and esteemed each other ; but 
 this did not prevent his exerting an influence upon me, 
 and my submitting to him. 
 
 Of course, under the influence of Nekhlyudov I invol-
 
 250 BOYHOOD 
 
 untarily appropriated his point of view, the essence of 
 which was an ecstatic worship of the ideal of virtue, and 
 the conviction that a man's destiny is continually to per- 
 fect himself. At that time it seemed a practicable affair 
 to correct humanity at large, to destroy all human vices 
 and misfortunes, — and, therefore, it looked easy and 
 simple to correct oneself, to appropriate to oneself all vir- 
 tues and be happy. 
 
 Still, God alone knows whether these noble dreams of 
 youth were ridiculous, and who is to blame that they 
 were not reahzed.
 
 YOUTH 
 
 A Novel 
 1855-57
 
 YOUTH 
 
 WHAT I REGARD AS THE BEGINNING OF MY YOUTH 
 
 I HAVE said that my friendship with Dmitri had opened 
 up to me a new view of life, its aims and relations. The 
 essence of this view consisted in the conviction that man's 
 destiny was a striving for moral perfection, and that this 
 perfection was easy, possible, and eternal. But tiLl then 
 I merely enjoyed the discovery of new ideas which re- 
 sulted from this conviction, and the formation of brilHant 
 plans for an active, moral future, while my life proceeded 
 in the same petty, tangled, and indolent order. 
 
 So far the virtuous ideas, which my adored friend 
 Dmitri, whom I sometimes called to myself in a whisper 
 " Charming Mitya," and I used to discuss in our chats, 
 pleased only my reason, and not my feeling. But a time 
 came when these ideas burst upon my reason with such a 
 fresh power of moral discovery that I became frightened 
 at the thought of how much time I had spent in vain, 
 and I wished immediately, that very second, to apply all 
 those ideas to hfe, with the firm intention of never being 
 false to them. 
 
 This time I regard as the beginning of my youth. 
 
 I was then finishing my sixteenth year. Teachers still 
 
 253
 
 254 YOUTH 
 
 came to the house, St. J^rSme looked after my studies, 
 and I was preparing myself reluctantly, and against my 
 will, for the university. Outside of studies, my occupa- 
 tions consisted in solitary, disconnected dreams and reflec- 
 tions, in practising gymnastics in order to become the 
 first strong man in the world, in loitering without any 
 definite aim or thought about all the rooms, but especially 
 in the corridor of the maids' side, and in observing myself 
 in the looking-glass, from which, however, I always went 
 away with a heavy feeling of melancholy and disgust. I 
 was not only convinced that my looks were homely, but 
 I could not even console myself with the usual consola- 
 tions in such circumstances. I could not say that I had 
 an expressive, intelligent, or noble countenance. There 
 was nothing expressive, — nothing but the commonest, 
 coarsest, and ugliest of features; my small, gray eyes 
 were, especially when I looked in the mirror, rather dull 
 than intelligent. There was even less of manhness in 
 me ; though I was not at all undersized, and very strong 
 for my years, aU the features of my face were soft, flabby, 
 and undefined. There was not even anything noble in 
 them ; on the contrary, my face was hke that of a com- 
 mon peasant, and such also were my large feet and hands, 
 — and all that seemed then a disgraceful thing to me.
 
 n. 
 
 SPRING 
 
 The year I entered the university, Easter was late in 
 April, so that the examinations were to be the first week 
 after Easter, and during Passion Week I was to prepare 
 myself for the sacrament, and get ready in general. 
 
 After a wet snow, which Karl Iv^novich used to call 
 " the son has come to fetch the father," the weather had 
 been for three days calm, warm, and clear. Not a speck 
 of snow was to be seen in the streets, and the pasty mud 
 had given way to a moist, glistening pavement and rapid 
 rivulets. The last drops on the roofs were drying up in 
 the sun ; in the gardens the buds were swelling on the 
 trees ; in the courtyard there was a dry path to the stable, 
 past a frozen heap of dung; and near the porch mossy 
 grass sprouted between the stones. It was that peculiar 
 period of spring which most powerfully affects a human 
 soul : a bright, illuminating, but not warm sun, rivulets 
 and thawed spots, an aromatic freshness in the air, and a 
 gently azure sky with long, transparent clouds. I do not 
 know why, but it seems to me that in a large city the 
 effect of this first period of the new-born spring is more 
 perceptible and powerful, — one sees less, but surmises 
 more. 
 
 I was standing near the window, through which the 
 morning sun was casting athwart the double panes its 
 dusty rays upon the floor of my noisome class-room, and 
 was solving some long algebraical equation on the black- 
 
 266
 
 256 YOUTH 
 
 board. In one hand I held a torn, coverless algebra of 
 Franker, in the other a small piece of chalk, with which 
 I had soiled both my hands, my face, and the elbows of 
 my half-dress coat. NikoMy, in an apron and rolled-up 
 sleeves, was breaking off the putty and unbending the 
 nails of the window that opened on the garden. His oc- 
 cupation and the noise which he made distracted my 
 attention. Besides, I was in a very bad and dissatisfied 
 mood. Everything somehow went against me ; I had 
 made a mistake in the beginning of the calculation, so 
 that I had to start again ; I twice dropped the chalk ; I 
 felt that my face and hands were all soiled ; the sponge 
 got lost somewhere ; the noise which NikoMy produced 
 made me dreadfully nervous. I wanted to get angry and 
 to grumble ; I threw down the chalk and the algebra, and 
 began to walk up and down the room. I recalled that 
 we had to go to confession that very day, and that I had 
 to abstain from everything bad. Suddenly a meek spirit 
 came over me, and I walked up to Nikoldy. 
 
 " Let me help you, Nikolay," I said, endeavouring to 
 give my voice a meek expression. The thought that I 
 was doing right in suppressing my anger and in helping 
 him increased my meek mood still more. 
 
 The putty was knocked off, the nails unbent ; but al- 
 though Nikolay jerked at the crosspiece with all his 
 might, the frame did not move. 
 
 " If the frame will come out at once, when I pull with 
 him," I thought, " I shall take it to be a sin to work any 
 more to-day." The frame moved to one side and came 
 out. 
 
 " Where shall I take it to ? " I asked. 
 
 " Permit me, I will do it myself," answered Nikolay, 
 evidently surprised, and rather dissatisfied with my zeaL 
 " I must not get them mixed up, for I have them there 
 by numbers, in the lumber-room." 
 
 " I will look out," I said, lifting the frame.
 
 SPRING 257 
 
 It seemed to me that if the lumber-room were two 
 versts away, and the frame twice as heavy, I should have 
 been very well satisfied. I wanted to exert myself while 
 obligiug Nikoldy. When I returned to the room, the 
 small bricks and the salt pyramids ^ were already lying 
 on the sill, and NikoMy, with a wing duster, was sweep- 
 ing the sand and the drowsy flies through the open win- 
 dow. The fresh, fragrant air penetrated the room and 
 filled it. Through the window was heard the din of the 
 city and the chirping of the sparrows in the garden. 
 
 All objects were brilliantly illuminated, the room 
 looked merrier, a light spring breeze agitated the leaves 
 of my algebra and the hair on Nikolay's head. I went 
 up to the window, sat upon it, bent down to the garden, 
 and fell to musing. 
 
 A novel, exceedingly powerful and pleasant sensation 
 suddenly penetrated into my soul. The damp earth, 
 through which here and there burst bright-green blades 
 of grass, with their yellow stalks ; the rills glistening in 
 the sun, along which meandered pieces of earth and 
 chips ; the blushing twigs of the lilac bushes with their 
 swelling buds swaying under the very window ; the busy 
 chirping of the birds that swarmed in the bushes ; the 
 black fence wet with the thawing snow ; but, above aU, 
 that aromatic moist air and joyous sun spoke to me dis- 
 tinctly and clearly of something new and beautiful, which, 
 though I am not able to tell it as it appeared to me, I 
 shall attempt to tell as I conceived it. Everything spoke 
 to me of beauty, happiness, and virtue ; it told me that 
 all that was easy and possible for me, that one thing could 
 not be without the other, and even that beauty, happiness, 
 and \drtue were one and the same. " How was it I did 
 not understand it before ? As bad as I was in the past, 
 so good and happy shall I become in the future ! " I said 
 to myself. " I must at once, this very minute, become 
 1 Placed on the sand between the double windows.
 
 258 YOUTH 
 
 another man, and live another life." In spite of this. I 
 sat for a long time on the window, dreaming and doing 
 nothing. 
 
 Have you ever happened to faU asleep on a gloomy, 
 rainy summer day, and, awaking at sundown, to open 
 your eyes; through the broadening quadrilateral of the 
 window, beneath the canvas awning, that, blown up by 
 the wind, strikes its rod against the window-sill, to ob- 
 serve the shady, lilac side of the avenue of lindens, wet 
 from rain, and the damp garden path, illuminated by the 
 slanting rays of the sun ; suddenly to hear the merry hfe 
 of the birds in the garden ; to see the insects that, trans- 
 lucent in the sun, hover in the opening of the window ; 
 to smell the fragrance of the air after the rain ; to think 
 " How ashamed I am to have slept through such an even- 
 ing ; " and hurriedly to jump up, in order to run into the 
 garden to enjoy life ? If such a thing has happened to 
 you, you have a picture of that powerful feeling which I 
 experienced at that time.
 
 in. 
 
 DREAMS 
 
 " To-day I shall confess and cleanse myself of all my 
 sins," I thought, " and I never again — " (here I thought of 
 all the sins that most tormented me). " I shall go every 
 Sunday to church, and afterward shall read the Gospel for 
 a whole hour; and, from every twenty-five-rouble bill, 
 which I shall receive every mouth as soon as I enter the 
 university, I shall certainly give two and a half roubles 
 (a tithe) to the poor, without letting anybody know it ; 
 and not to mere beggars shall I give it, but I shall hunt 
 up some destitute people, an orphan or an old woman, of 
 whom nobody knows. 
 
 " I shall have a separate room (no doubt St. J^rSme's), 
 and I shall fix it up myself and keep it in wonderful 
 order ; I shall not permit a servant to do anything for 
 me. For is he not just such a man as I am ? For the 
 same reason I shall walk every day to the university (and 
 if they give me a vehicle, I shall sell it, and use the 
 money for the poor), and promptly execute everything " 
 (what that " everything " was I should not have been able 
 at that time to tell, but I vividly understood and felt that 
 " everything " of a sensible, moral, and blameless life). 
 
 " I shall take down the lectures, and even prepare my 
 subjects in advance, so that I shall be first in the first 
 year, and shall write a dissertation. In the second year 
 I shall know everything in advance, and they will be able 
 to promote me at once to the third year, so that at eight- 
 
 259
 
 260 YOUTH 
 
 een years of age I shall graduate as a Candidate with 
 two golden medals ; then I shall get my master's and my 
 doctor's degree, and I shall be the first learned man in 
 Russia, I may even become the greatest scholar in 
 Europe. 
 
 " Well, and then ? " I asked myself ; but I happened to 
 think that these dreams were proud, consequently, a sin 
 which I should have to tell that very evening to the 
 priest, and I returned to the beginning of my reflections. 
 
 " To prepare my lectures, I shall walk to the Sparrow 
 Hills. There I shall choose a spot under some tree, where 
 I can read them over. Sometimes I shall take a lunch 
 along with me, some cheese, or pasties from Pedotti, or 
 something of the kind. I shall rest awhile, after which 
 I shall read a good book, or draw a landscape, or play an 
 instrument (I must by all means learn to play the flute). 
 Then, she, too, will walk out to the Sparrow Hills, and 
 she will some day walk up to me, and ask who I am. I 
 shall glance sadly at her, and say that I am the son of 
 a clergyman, and that I am happy only when I am here 
 alone, all sole alone. She will give me her hand, will 
 say something, and sit down by my side. Thus, we shall 
 go there every day and be friends, and I shall kiss her — 
 no, that is not good, on the contrary, from to-day I shall 
 never again look at women. I shall never, never go to 
 the maids' room, not even near it ; three years later I shall 
 be of age, and shall certainly marry. 
 
 " I shall take exercise as much as possible, and practise 
 gymnastics every day, so that when I am twenty-five 
 years old, I shall be stronger than Eappeau. The first 
 day I shall hold twenty pounds in my outstretched arm, 
 the next day twenty-one pounds, the third twenty-two, 
 and so on, until at last one hundred and sixty pounds in 
 each hand, so that I shall be stronger than anybody 
 among the servants ; and if anybody dares to insult me, or 
 to refer disrespectfully to her, I shall take him just by his
 
 DREAMS 261 
 
 chest, shall raise him with my hand some five feet from 
 the ground, and hold him awhile, to make him feel my 
 strength, and then let him go ; however, that is not good ; 
 no, it will not do any harm, I sha'n't do anything to him : 
 I shall only prove to him that I — " 
 
 Let no one accuse me that the dreams of my youth 
 were just as childish as the dreams of my childhood and 
 boyhood. I am convinced that if it is my lot to live to 
 an old age, and if my story overtakes my old age, I, as a 
 man of seventy years, shall dream just such impossible, 
 childish dreams, as in the past. I shall dream of some 
 charming Mary who will fall in love with me, the tooth- 
 less old man, as she fell in love with Mazeppa ; of my 
 weak-minded son suddenly becoming minister by some 
 strange accident ; or of my suddenly losing millions. I 
 am convinced that there is not a human being or an age 
 that is free from this benign, consoling abihty to dream. 
 But, except for the common feature of their impossibility 
 and their fairy-Hke nature, the dreams of every man and 
 every age have their distinguishing characteristics. At 
 that period, which I regard as the extreme limit of boy- 
 hood and beginning of youth, at the basis of my dreams 
 were four sentiments : the love for her, an imaginary 
 woman, of whom I dreamt ever in the same way, and 
 whom I expected to meet somewhere at any minute. 
 This she was partly Sonichka, partly Masha, Vasih's wife, 
 while washing linen in the trough, and partly a woman 
 with pearls on her white neck, whom I had seen long ago 
 in the theatre, in a box near us. My second sentiment 
 was the love of love. I wanted everybody to know and 
 love me. I wanted to say my name " Nikolay Irt^nev," 
 and have every one struck by this information, and sur- 
 round me and thank me for something. The third senti- 
 ment was a hope for some unusual, vain happiness, — 
 such a strong and firm hope that it passed into insanity. 
 I was so convinced that very soon I should, by some
 
 262 YOUTH 
 
 extraordinary occurrence, become the richest and most dis- 
 tinguished man in the world, that I continually lived 
 in an agitated expectancy of some fairy happiness. I was 
 waiting for it to begin, when I should obtain all that a 
 man may wish, and I was always in a hurry, lest it 
 should begin where I was not. My fourth and chief sen- 
 timent was my self-disgust and repentance, but a repent- 
 ance which so closely welded with the hope of happiness, 
 that there was nothing sad in it. It seemed to me so 
 easy and natural to tear myself away from all my past, 
 to transform and forget everything which was before, and 
 to begin life with all its relations entirely anew, in order 
 that the past should not oppress nor bind me. I even 
 found pleasure in my disgust with the past, and tried to 
 see it blacker than it was. The blacker the circle of my 
 memories of the past, the brighter and cleaner stood out 
 from it the bright and clean point of the present, and 
 streamed the rainbow colours of the future. This voice 
 of repentance and passionate desire for perfection was the 
 main new sensation of my soul at that epoch of my 
 development, and it was this which laid a new founda- 
 tion for my views of myself, of people, and of the whole 
 world. 
 
 Beneficent, consoling voice, which since then has so 
 often arisen suddenly and boldly against all lies in those 
 sad moments, when the soul in silence submitted to the 
 power of deceit and debauch in life, which has angrily 
 accused the past, has indicated the bright point of the 
 present, causing one to love it, and has promised happi- 
 ness and well-being in the future, — beneficent, consoling 
 voice ! will vou ever cease to be heard ?
 
 IV. 
 
 OUR FAMILY CIRCLE 
 
 Papa was rarely at home during this spring. But when 
 it did happen, he was exceedingly merry, strummed his 
 favourite airs on the piano, smiled gaily at us, and joked 
 us all, especially Mimi ; he would say, for example, that 
 the Tsar^vich of Georgia had seen Mimi while she was out 
 driving, and had fallen so in love with her that he had 
 petitioned the Synod for a divorce ; that I was to be 
 appointed secretary to the ambassador at Vienna, — and 
 he announced these items of news to us with a serious 
 countenance ; he frightened Katenka with spiders, of which 
 she was afraid ; he was very kind to our friends Dubkdv 
 and Nekhlyiidov, and continually told us and our guests 
 his plans for the next year. Although these plans 
 changed nearly every day, and contradicted each other, 
 they were so attractive that we listened to them with 
 pleasure, and Lyiibochka looked at papa's mouth without 
 winking, lest she should lose a single word. Now the 
 plan was for him to leave us at the university in Moscow, 
 and go himself with Lyiibochka to Italy for two years ; 
 now, to buy an estate in the Crimea, on its southern 
 shore, and to go there every summer ; now, to settle with 
 the whole family in St. Petersburg, and so on. Besides the 
 unusual merriment, another change had of late taken place 
 in papa, at which I marvelled very much. He had had 
 made for himself a fashionable suit, — an olive-coloured 
 dress coat, fashionable pantaloons with foot-straps, and a 
 
 263
 
 264 YOUTH 
 
 long wadded overcoat, which was very becoming to him, 
 and frequently he was scented with perfume, when he 
 drove out to make calls, but especially at the house of a 
 lady, of whom Mimi never spoke but with sighs and with 
 a face upon which one almost could read the words : 
 " Poor orphans ! Unlucky passion ! It is well that she is 
 no more." I found out from Nikolay, for papa would not 
 tell us anything about his gaming, that he had been par- 
 ticularly lucky at cards that winter; he had won an 
 immense sum, which he had deposited in the bank, and 
 in the spring he did not want to play again. No doubt 
 because he was afraid of the temptation, he wanted to 
 leave for the country as soon as possible. He had even 
 decided not to wait for my entering the university, but to 
 leave immediately after Easter with the girls for Petrov- 
 skoe, whither Volddya and I were to go later. 
 
 Volodya was all that winter, until spring, inseparable 
 from Dubkov, but his relation with Dmitri was beginning 
 to cool off. Their chief entertainments, so far as I could 
 conclude from the conversations which I heard, consisted 
 in drinking champagne, driving in sleighs by the windows 
 of a lady, with whom they were both, I think, in love, 
 and in dancing vis-a-vis, not at children's, but at real 
 balls. This latter circumstance separated us very much, 
 though we loved each other. We felt too great a differ- 
 ence between a boy who had teachers coming to him, and 
 a man who danced at the balls of grown people, ever to 
 make up our minds to tell each other our secrets. 
 
 Katenka was quite a young lady, and read a lot of 
 novels, and the thought that she would marry soon did 
 not seem a joke any longer ; yet, though Vol6dya himself 
 was a young man, they did not become very intimate, and, 
 it seemed, even despised each other. In general, when- 
 ever Katenka was alone at home, nothing interested her 
 but novels, and she suffered ennui ; but when there were 
 outside gentlemen present, she became very lively and
 
 OUR FAMILY CIRCLE 265 
 
 agreeable, and used her eyes in such a way, that I was 
 unable to make out what she meant. Later I learned 
 from a conversation of hers that the only permissible 
 coquetry for a maiden was that of the eyes, and so I was 
 able to explain to myself those strange, unnatural ges- 
 tures with the eyes, which did not seem to surprise others. 
 
 Lyiibochka was beginning to wear a very long dress, 
 so tliat her crooked legs could not be seen, but she was 
 the same cry-baby she had been before. Now she was 
 dreaming of marrying, not a hussar, but a singer or musi- 
 cian, and for this purpose she appKed herself zealously to 
 music. 
 
 St. Jerome, who knew that he would stay in our house 
 only until the end of my examinations, had found a place 
 at the house of some count, and ever since had looked 
 down contemptuously on our people. He was rarely at 
 home, began to smoke cigarettes, which then was a sign 
 of dandyism, and continually whistled some jolly airs 
 through a visiting-card. 
 
 Mimi grew sadder from day to day, and did not 
 expect anything good from any of us, ever since we had 
 grown up. 
 
 When I came to dinner I found only Mimi, Katenka, 
 Lyiibochka, and St. Jerome in the dining-room. Papa was 
 not at home, and Volodya was preparing for his examina- 
 tion with his companions in his room, and had ordered 
 his dinner to be sent up to him. Of late, Mimi generally 
 occupied the place of honour at the table, but none of us 
 respected her, and so the dmner lost much of its charm. 
 The dinner no longer was, as with mamma and grand- 
 mother, a ceremony which at a certain hour united the 
 whole family, and divided the day into halves. We 
 allowed ourselves to be late, to arrive only at the second 
 course, to drink wine in tumblers (an example set by St. 
 Jerome), to lean back in the chair, to rise before the end 
 of the dinner, and similar liberties. It was quite differ-
 
 266 YOUTH 
 
 ent at Petr(5vskoe, when at two o'clock ail sat in the 
 sitting-room washed and dressed for dinner, chatting mer- 
 rily until the appointed hour. Precisely at the moment 
 when the clock in the officiating-room growled, in order 
 to strike two, Foka softly walked in, with a dignified and 
 somewhat austere face, holding his napkin over his arm. 
 " Dinner is served ! " he announced in a loud, drawling 
 voice, and everybody went to the dining-room with a 
 happy and satisfied countenance, the older people in 
 frout, the younger ones behind, rustling their starched 
 petticoats and creaking with their boots and shoes, — 
 and conversing in an undertone, they all seated them- 
 selves at their proper places. How different, too, it was 
 in Moscow, when all, speaking softly, stood before the 
 table which was set in the parlour, waiting for grand- 
 mother, to whom Gavrilo had gone to announce that the 
 meal was served ! Suddenly the door opened, there was 
 heard the rustle of a dress and the shuffling of feet, and 
 grandmother, in a cap with some extraordinary lilac 
 ribbon, sailed in sideways, smiling or looking gloomy, 
 according to the condition of her health. Gavrilo rushed 
 to her armchair, the chairs were moved, and feehng a 
 chiU pass down my back, — a foreboding of a good 
 appetite, — I would take up the damp, starched napkin 
 and munch a crust of bread, and, rubbing my hands 
 under the table in impatient and pleasant anticipation, 
 would look at the steaming plates of soup, which the 
 majordomo poured out according to rank, age, and grand- 
 mother's considerate attention. 
 
 Now I no longer experienced any pleasure or agitation, 
 when I came to dinner. 
 
 The gossip of Mimi, St. J^r5me, and the girls about the 
 terrible boots of the teacher of Eussian, about trimmings 
 on the dresses of the Princesses Kom^kov and so forth, — 
 their gossip, which formerly used to inspire me with gen- 
 uine loathing that I did not try to conceal, especially before
 
 OUR FAMILY CIRCLE 267 
 
 Lyubochka and K^tenka, did not ruffle my new, virtuous 
 temper. I was exceedingly meek ; I smiled and respectfully 
 listened to them, respectfully asked them to pass me the 
 kvas, and agreed with St. Jerome, who corrected a phrase 
 of mine which I had used at dinner, remarking that it 
 was more elegant to say je puis than je peux. I must, 
 however, confess that I was a little disappointed because 
 nobody paid any attention to my meekness and virtue. 
 Lyubochka showed me after dinner a piece of paper on 
 which she had marked down all her sins ; I found that it 
 was all very well, but that it was better still to write 
 down one's sins in one's soul, and that her way was not 
 " just the right thing." 
 
 " Why is it not the right thing ? " asked Lyubochka. 
 
 " Well, this is good, too ; but you will not understand 
 me." And I went up-stairs, saying to St. Jerome that I 
 went to study, but, in reahty, to write out, in the hour 
 and a half that were left before the confession, a schedule 
 of all my duties and occupations for my whole hfe, to 
 put down on paper the aim of my Hfe and the rules from 
 which I was never to depart in all my actions.
 
 V. 
 
 THE RULES 
 
 I TOOK a sheet of paper, and first intended to consider 
 the schedule of my obhgations and occupations for the 
 next year. I had to line the paper, but as I could not 
 find the ruler, I used the Latin lexicon for it. After 
 drawing the pen along the lexicon and removing the latter, 
 I discovered that I had made a long puddle of ink on the 
 paper, instead of a hne, and that, since the lexicon was 
 not long enough, the line had bent downward along its 
 soft edge. I took another sheet and, moving the lexicon 
 carefully, managed to get it ruled after a fashion. 
 
 I divided my duties into three categories : into duties 
 to myself, to my neighbours, and to God. Then I began 
 to write down the first, but there turned up so many of 
 them, and so many kinds and subdivisions of them, that 
 I had to write first " Eules of Life," and not until then 
 to consider the schedule. I took six sheets of paper, 
 sewed them into a book, and wrote above, " Rules of Life." 
 These words were written so crookedly and unevenly, 
 that I long considered whether I had not better rewrite 
 them, and felt annoyed, as I looked at the torn schedule 
 and the monstrous heading. " Why is everything so 
 beautiful and clear in my soul, and yet so horrible on 
 paper, and in Hfe in general, when I want to apply to it 
 something I am thinking of ? " 
 
 " The father confessor has come. Please come down- 
 stairs to hear the rules ! " NikoMy announced. 
 
 268
 
 THE RULES 269 
 
 I concealed the book in the table, looked in the mirror, 
 brushed my hair upwards, which, in my opinion, gave me 
 a pensive appearance, and went down into the sofa-room, 
 where a table was placed with the image and the burning 
 wax candles upon it. Papa entered the room through 
 another door at the same time with me. The priest, a 
 gi-ay -haired monk, blessed papa with the stern mien of an 
 old man. Papa kissed his small, broad, dry hand. I did 
 the same. 
 
 " Call Voldemar ! " said papa. " "Where is he ? But no, 
 he is preparing for the sacrament at the university." 
 
 " He is busy with the prince," said Katenka, and looked 
 at Lyiibochka. Lyiibochka suddenly blushed and, frowning 
 as though she were in pain, left the room. I followed 
 her. She stopped in the sitting-room, and wrote something 
 down on the paper with her pencil. 
 
 " What, have you committed a new sin ? " I asked. 
 
 " No, nothing, just nothing," she answered, blushing. 
 
 Just then was heard Dmitri's voice in the antechamber, 
 bidding Volodya good-bye. 
 
 " Well, everything is a temptation for you," said Kdtenka, 
 entering the room and turning to Lyiibochka. 
 
 I could not make out what was the matter with Lyii- 
 bochka : she was confused, so that tears appeared in her 
 eyes, and her agitation, reaching its highest limit, passed 
 into annoyance with herself and with Katenka, who 
 evidently was teasing her. 
 
 " One can see you are a foreigner " (nothing could be 
 more offensive to Katenka than being called a foreigner, 
 and Lyubochka used the word intentionally) ; " before 
 this mystery," she continued in a solemn voice, " you 
 disturb me on purpose — you ought to understand — 
 it is not a trifling matter." 
 
 "Do you know, Nikolenka, what she wrote down ? " 
 said Katenka, who was offended by the name of foreigner. 
 " She wrote — "
 
 270 YOUTH 
 
 " I did not expect you to be as mean as that," said 
 Lyiibochka, blubbering, as she left us. " At such moments 
 you on purpose, all my life, lead me into sin. I do not 
 bother you with my sentiments and sufiferinga"
 
 VI. 
 
 THE CONFESSION 
 
 With these and similar distracting reflections I returned 
 to the sofa-room, when all had gathered there, and the 
 priest rose, ready to read the prayer before the confession. 
 But when, amidst a general silence, was heard the clear, 
 stern voice of the monk saying the prayer, and especially 
 when he pronounced the words to us, " Lay open all your 
 transgressions without shame, concealment, or justification, 
 and your soul shall be cleansed before God, but if you 
 conceal anything, you shall incur a great sin," the feeling 
 of devout tremor, which I had experienced in the morning 
 at the thought of the impending mystery, returned to me. 
 I even found pleasure in the consciousness of this state, 
 and I tried to retain it, by arresting all the thoughts 
 which came to my mind, and by endeavouring to fear 
 something. 
 
 Papa went first to confession. He remained very 
 long in grandmother's room, and all that time we were 
 silent in the sofa-room, or in a whisper talked about who 
 would come next. Then, the voice of the monk saying 
 the prayer was once more heard in the door, and papa's 
 steps. The door creaked, and he came out, coughing, as 
 was his habit, jerking his shoulder, and not looking at any 
 of us. 
 
 " Now, you go, Lyiiba, but be sure and say everything. 
 You are a great sinner, you know," merrily spoke papa, 
 pinching her cheek. 
 
 271
 
 272 YOUTH 
 
 Lyiibochka grew pale and blushed, took her note out 
 of her apron and hid it again, and, lowering her head and 
 somehow shortening her neck, as if expecting a blow from 
 above, passed through the door. She did not stay there 
 long, but when she issued thence, her shoulders were 
 convulsed with sobs. 
 
 Finally, after pretty Katenka had returned through the 
 door smiling, my turn arrived. I went into the dimly 
 hghted room with the same dull fear and the same desire 
 consciously to increase that fear. The priest stood before 
 the reading-desk, and slowly turned his face to me. 
 
 I passed not more than five minutes in grandmother's 
 room, and I came out of it happy and, as I was then 
 convinced, completely purified, morally regenerated, and a 
 new man. Although I was unpleasantly affected by the 
 old circumstance of life, by the old rooms, the old furni- 
 ture, my old figure (I wished that all the external things 
 might have changed as much as I thought I had changed 
 internally), in spite of it all, I remained in this bhssful 
 frame of mind up to the time when I went to bed. 
 
 I was falling asleep, going over in my imagination all 
 the sins from which I had been cleansed, when suddenly 
 I recalled a shameful sin which I had concealed at the 
 confession. The words of the prayer before the confession 
 came to my mind and continually dinned in my ears. My 
 peace was gone at once. " But if you conceal any- 
 thing, you shall incur a great sin," resounded in my ears 
 without interruption, and I saw myself as such a terrible 
 sinner, that there was no adequate punishment for me. 
 I long tossed from side to side, reflecting on my situation 
 and awaiting the divine punishment at any time, and 
 even sudden death, — a thought which induced an in- 
 describable terror in me. All at once a happy thought 
 came to me : the next morning, soon after daybreak, I 
 would walk or drive to the priest in the monastery, to 
 confess once more, and I quieted down.
 
 VII. 
 
 DRIVE TO THE MONASTERY 
 
 I AWOKE several times during the night, fearing to 
 sleep through the morning, and at six o'clock I was 
 already on my feet. Day was just dawning. I put on 
 my clothes and my boots, which lay rumpled and un- 
 brushed near my bed, because Nikolay had not had time 
 to take them away, and without praying or washing, I for 
 the first time in my Hfe went out by myself into the 
 street. 
 
 On the opposite side, the misty, chilly dawn gleamed 
 behind the green roof of a large house. A fairly strong 
 vernal morning frost fettered the mud and rills, stung my 
 feet, and pinched my face and hands. In our lane there 
 was no cabman with whom I could drive there and back 
 at once as I had hoped. Only some wagons were slowly 
 going down the Arbat, and two stone-masons passed, 
 chatting, on the sidewalk. After I had walked some 
 thousand paces, I began to come across men and women 
 who were going to market with their baskets, and water- 
 carts which were driving to get their barrels filled ; a 
 cake-seller walked out on the cross-road ; a bakery opened 
 its door ; and at the Arbat gates I fell in with a cabman, 
 an old man, who was asleep and nodding in his faded, 
 grayish blue and patched-up vehicle. He was evidently 
 still half asleep when he asked twenty kopeks for driving 
 me to the monastery and back, but he suddenly came to 
 his senses, and when I was about to take my seat, he 
 
 273
 
 274 YOUTH 
 
 whipped up his horses with the ends of his reins, and 
 drove away from me. " I have to feed the horse ! I can't 
 take you, sir ! " he mumbled. 
 
 I stopped him after much persuasion, by offering him 
 forty kopeks. He pulled up his horse, cautiously ex- 
 amined me, and said : " Take your seat, sir ! " I must say 
 I was a little afraid he would take me to some blind 
 alley, to rob me. Gretting hold of the collar of his badly 
 torn cloak, thus ruthlessly laying bare the wrinkled neck 
 over his stooping shoulders, I chmbed on the blue, saddle- 
 formed, shaky seat, and we rattled along the Vozdvi- 
 zhenka. On the way down I noticed that the back of 
 the vehicle was patched with a piece of greenish material, 
 the same that his cloak was made of ; this circumstance 
 for some reason quieted me, and I no longer was afraid 
 that he would take me to a blind alley, to rob me. 
 
 The sun had risen quite high, and brilliantly illumi- 
 nated the cupolas of the churches, when we drove up to the 
 monastery. In the shade there was still some frost, but 
 all along the road flowed rapid, turbid rills, and the horse 
 splashed in the thawing mud. After passing through the 
 monastery enclosure, I asked the first person whom I met 
 where to find the father confessor. 
 
 " There is his cell," said the monk, stopping for a 
 minute and pointing to a small house with a porch. 
 
 " I thank you very much," I said. 
 
 "What could the monks have thought of me, as they 
 gazed at me, upon issuing, one after another, from the 
 church ? I was neither a man, nor a child ; my face 
 was not washed, my hair not combed, my clothes were 
 covered with feathers, my boots were unblacked and 
 muddy. To what category of men did the monks men- 
 tally refer me as they gazed at me ? They certainly 
 surveyed me attentively. I continued to walk in the 
 direction which the young monk had pointed out to me. 
 
 An old man in black garments, with thick gray eye-
 
 DRIVE TO THE MONASTERY 275 
 
 brows, met me on the narrow path that led to the cells 
 and asked me what I wanted. 
 
 There was a minute when I wanted to say " Nothing," 
 run back to the cab, and drive home, but, in spite of his 
 threatening eyebrows, the old man's countenance inspired 
 confidence. I said that I wanted to see the father con- 
 fessor, giving his name. 
 
 " Come, young gentleman, I will take you there ! " he 
 said, turning back, and evidently guessing my predica- 
 ment. " The father is at morning mass, but he will be 
 here soon." 
 
 He opened the door, and through a clean hall and ante- 
 chamber led me over a neat canvas strip to the cell. 
 
 " You wait here," he said, with a kind-hearted, soothing 
 expression, and went out. 
 
 The room in which I found myself was very small and 
 was kept exceedingly clean. The furniture consisted of a 
 small table covered with oilcloth, standing between two 
 tiny double windows, upon which stood two pots of gera- 
 niums, of a small stand with images and a lamp hanging 
 before them, of one armchair and two straight chairs. In 
 the corner hung a clock, with a flower design on its face 
 and brass weights on a chain ; on the partition, which 
 was connected with the ceiling by whitewashed wooden 
 crosspieces (behind which, no doubt, was a bed), two 
 cowls hung upon nails. 
 
 The windows faced a white wall which was within six 
 feet of them. Between them and the wall was a small 
 lilac bush. No sound reached the room from without, so 
 that in that silence the even, pleasant click of the pendu- 
 lum appeared as a loud noise. The moment I was left 
 alone in that quiet corner, all my former thoughts and 
 reminiscences leaped out of my head as if they had never 
 been there, and I was all merged in inexpressibly pleasant 
 contemplation. That faded nankeen hood with thread- 
 bare lining, those well-thumbed black leather bindings of
 
 276 YOUTH 
 
 the books with their brass clasps, those turbidly green 
 flowers with their carefully watered earth and washed 
 leaves, but particularly that monotonous, broken sound of 
 the pendulum, spoke to me distinctly of a new, heretofore 
 unfamiKar life, of a life of seclusion, prayer, and quiet, 
 peaceful happiness. 
 
 " Months pass, years pass," I thought, " and he is 
 always alone, always calm, always feels that his con- 
 science is clean before God and that his prayer will 
 be heard by him." I sat about half an hour in my chair, 
 trying not to move and not to breathe audibly, in order 
 not to disturb the harmony of the sounds that told me 
 so much. And the pendulum continued ticking, louder 
 toward the right, softer toward the left.
 
 VIII. 
 
 MY SECOND CONFESSION 
 
 The steps of the priest broke my meditation. 
 
 " Good morning," he said, smoothing his gray hair with 
 his hand. " What do you wish ? " 
 
 I asked him to bless me, and with especial pleasure 
 kissed his small yellow hand. 
 
 When I explained to him my request, he said nothing, 
 but walked up to the images and began the confession. 
 
 When the confession was finished, and I, overcoming 
 my shame, told him all that was upon my soul, he placed 
 his hands upon my head, and pronounced with his melo- 
 dious, quiet voice : " The blessing of the heavenly Father 
 be over you, my son, and may He for ever preserve your 
 faith, meekness, and humility. Amen." 
 
 I was very happy. Tears of bliss welled up in my 
 throat, I kissed the fold of his kerseymere cowl, and 
 raised my head. The monk's countenance was serene. 
 
 I felt I was enjoying the sensation of contrition, and 
 fearing lest it should be dispersed, I hastily bade the 
 confessor good-bye, and, without looking on either side, in 
 order not to be distracted, left the enclosure and again 
 seated myself in the jogging, patched-up vehicle. But 
 the jolting of the carriage and the motley aspect of the 
 objects that flashed by my eyes soon dispelled that feel- 
 ing, and I was thinking now of how the father confessor 
 must be reflecting that he had never, in all his Hfe, met, 
 nor ever should meet, such a beautiful soul in a young 
 
 277
 
 278 YOUTH 
 
 man such as I was, and even that there could not be the 
 like of me. I was convinced of this ; and this conviction 
 induced in me a feeling of that kind of happiness which 
 demands that it shall be imparted to somebody. 
 
 I was dying to talk to somebody ; and as there was no 
 one near at hand but the cabman, I turned to him. 
 
 " Say, was I gone locg ? " I asked. 
 
 " Well, rather long, and it is time to feed the horses, 
 for I am a night cabman," answered the old driver, who, 
 with the sun, had become comparatively livelier than he 
 had been before. 
 
 " It seemed to me that I was gone but a minute," I 
 said. " Do you know why I went to the monastery ? " 
 I added, seating myself in the lower part of the vehicle, 
 which was nearer to the old man. 
 
 " What business is that of ours ? Wherever our pas- 
 sengers tell us to go, there we go," he answered. 
 
 " Still, what do you think, why ? " 
 
 " Well, I suppose you went to buy a lot to bury some- 
 body in," he said. 
 
 " No, my friend. Do you know why I went there ? " 
 
 " How can I know, sir ? " he repeated. 
 
 The cabman's voice seemed so kindly that I decided, for 
 his edification, to tell him the cause of my visit, and also 
 the feehng which I was experiencing. 
 
 " If you wish, I will tell you. You see — " 
 
 And I told him everything, and described all my 
 beautiful feelings to him. I even now blush at the 
 thought of it. 
 
 " Indeed, sir," the cabman said, incredulously. 
 
 He remained silent for quite awhile and sat immova- 
 ble, now and then fixing the fold of his cloak, which kept 
 disarranging itself, between his striped legs that leaped 
 about in their huge boots on the foothold of the vehicle. 
 I concluded that he, too, was of the same opinion in 
 regard to me as the priest ; that is, that there was not in
 
 MY SECOND CONFESSION 279 
 
 the whole world another young man so beautiful. He 
 suddenly turned round to me. 
 
 " Well, sir, yours is a gentlemanly affair ! " 
 
 « What ? " I asked. 
 
 " Your affair, I say, is a gentleman's affair ! " he re- 
 peated, mumbling with his toothless lips. 
 
 " No, he did not understand me," I thought, and I did 
 not say anything to him until we reached the house. 
 
 Not the feeling of contrition and piety itself, but satis- 
 faction at having experienced it lasted during my whole 
 ride, in spite of all the crowd that moved about the 
 streets in the bright sunshine ; but the moment I reached 
 home, that feeling vanished completely. I did not have 
 the forty kopeks to pay the driver. Majordomo Gavrilo, 
 to whom I was already in debt, would not loan me any 
 more. When the driver saw me twice running across the 
 yard in order to get the money, he guessed what I was 
 about, climbed down from his vehicte and, in spite of his 
 apparent kindliness, began to cry aloud, with the evident 
 desire of stinging me, that there were certain cheats who 
 did not pay for their rides. 
 
 Everybody at home was still asleep, so that I could not 
 borrow the money from any one but the servants. Finally, 
 Yasili, who liked me and remembered the service which I 
 had done him, paid the driver, having first exacted my 
 most solemn word of honour, which, however, as I saw by 
 his face, he did not believe in the least. Thus the feeling 
 went off as in smoke. When I dressed myself for church, 
 in order to go with the others to receive the sacrament, 
 and discovered that my clothes had not been mended and 
 I could not put them on, I committed a lot of sins. Put- 
 ting on another suit, I went to the sacrament in a strange 
 condition of hastiness of thought and with a complete 
 suspicion of my beautiful intentions.
 
 IX. 
 
 HOW I PREPAEED FOR THE EXAMINATIONS 
 
 On Thursday of Easter Week, papa, sister, and Mimi, 
 with Katenka, went away to the country, so that in 
 grandmother's large house only Volddya, St. Jerome, and 
 I were left. My frame of mind on the day of the con- 
 fession and of my visit to the monastery had completely 
 disappeared, and had left behind it only a dim, though 
 pleasant, memory, which was more and more drowned by 
 new impressions of a free life. 
 
 The note-book with the title " Rules of Life " was put 
 away with the other exercise books. Although the idea 
 that it was possible to compose rules for all circumstances 
 of life, and always to be guided by them, pleased me and 
 seemed to me very simple and at the same time great, — 
 and I had intended by all means to apply the rules to 
 life, — I somehow forgot that it had to be done right 
 away, and kept postponing it to some future time. I 
 was pleased to find that every idea which came to my 
 mind fitted precisely into one of the subdivisions of my 
 rules and duties: into the rules in regard to my neigh- 
 bour, or to myself, or to God. " I shall then write it down 
 in that category, together with the mass of other ideas that 
 will occur to me about the same subject," I said to myself. 
 I often ask myself now : when was I better and juster, 
 then, when I believed in the all-power of the human 
 mind, or now, when, having lost the ability to develop, I 
 
 280
 
 now I PREPARED FOR THE EXAMINATIONS 281 
 
 doubt the power and meaning of the hunoan mind ? and 
 I am unable to give myself a positive answer. 
 
 The consciousness of freedom and that vernal feeling 
 of expectancy, of which I have spoken before, agitated 
 me so much that I was absolutely unable to control 
 myself, and I prepared but badly for my examinations. 
 In the morning, while I was working in the class-room 
 and was conscious that I had to work hard, because next 
 day was the examination in a subject of which I had not 
 read two whole questions as yet, suddenly some vernal 
 fragrance would reach me through the window and it 
 would seem that I had to recall something, and my 
 hands would automatically drop the book, my feet begin 
 automatically to move and pace to and fro, and I would 
 feel as though somebody had touched a spring, and the 
 whole machine had been put in motion, and all kinds of 
 blissful thoughts would begin to course through my head 
 so lightly, naturally, and swiftly, that I could perceive 
 only their flashing. And thus an hour or two would 
 pass unobserved. 
 
 Or I would be reading some book and concentrating 
 my attention upon what I was reading, when I would 
 hear feminine steps and the rustle of a dress in the corri- 
 dor, — and everything would leap out of my head, and I 
 could no longer sit in one place, although I knew full well 
 that nobody had crossed the corridor but Gasha, grand- 
 mother's old maid, " But, suppose it should suddenly be 
 she .? " it would occur to me. " Suppose it is beginning 
 now, and I should lose my chance ? " and I would rush 
 out into the corridor, and convince myself that it was 
 really Gasha. Yet it would be some time after that before 
 I could control my head. The spring was touched, and 
 again there was a terrible pandemonium. 
 
 Or, again, I would be sitting in the evening by a tallow 
 caudle in my room. Suddenly I would tear myself away 
 from my book for a moment, to snuif the candle or settle
 
 282 YOUTH 
 
 myself in the chair, and I would see that it was dark in 
 all the doors and corners, and hear that it was quiet 
 in the whole house, — and, of course, I could not help 
 stopping and listening to that silence, and looking at that 
 darkness of the door that opened into a dark room, and 
 for a long time remaining in an immovable position, or 
 walking through all the empty rooms of the house. Fre- 
 quently, too, I used to sit through the evenings unnoticed 
 in the parlour, listening to the sound of the " nightingale " 
 which Gasha, sitting all alone in the parlour by a tallow 
 dip, was playing on the piano with two fingers. And in 
 the moonlight I could not help rising from my bed, and, 
 leaning over the window-sill into the garden, I would gaze 
 at the illuminated roof of Shapdshnikov's house, and at 
 the stately bell-tower of our parish, and the evening 
 shadows of the fence and the shrubbery, which lay across 
 the garden path ; I could not help staying there so long 
 that I later could not wake before ten o'clock. 
 
 So if it had not been for the teachers that came to me, 
 and for St. Jerome, who now and then unwillingly fired 
 my ambition, and, mainly, for the fact that I was anxious 
 to appear as a fine fellow in the eyes of my friend Nekh- 
 lyiidov, that is, to pass excellent examinations, which, 
 according to him, was a very important matter, — if it 
 had not been for all that, — spring and freedom would 
 have made me forget everything I ever knew, and I 
 should never have been able to pass my examinations.
 
 MY HISTORY EXAMINATION 
 
 On April 16th I entered for the first time the 
 university hall under the guidance of St. J^r6me. We 
 drove there in our sufficiently foppish phaeton. I had 
 on a dress coat, for the first time in my life, and all my 
 clothes, even my linen and stockings, were new and of 
 the best. When the doorkeeper took off my overcoat 
 down-stairs, and I stood before him in all the splendour 
 of my dress, I felt a httle ashamed at being so strikingly 
 magnificent. Yet the moment I entered the bright par- 
 queted hall, filled with people, and noticed the hundreds 
 of young men in Gymnasium uniforms and dress coats, 
 some of whom looked at me with indifference, and noticed 
 at the farther end the solemn professors, who freely moved 
 about between the tables, or sat in large armchairs, I 
 at once felt disappointed in my hope of directing uni- 
 versal attention to myself, and the expression of my face, 
 upon which at home and even in the antechamber had 
 been written compassion for making against my will 
 such a noble and distinguished appearance, was exchanged 
 for an expression of the greatest timidity and even some 
 despair. I even fell into the other extreme, and was very 
 happy when I discovered on a near-by bench a care- 
 lessly and uncleanly dressed, gray-haired, though not yet 
 old, man, who was sitting on the last bench, apart from 
 the others. I immediately sat down near him, and began 
 to watch the candidates, and to draw my conclusions. 
 
 283
 
 284 YOUTH 
 
 All kinds of people were there, but, according to the 
 opinion which I then held, they could be distributed into 
 three classes. 
 
 There were some who, like myself, had appeared at the 
 examination with their tutors or parents, among their 
 number the younger Ivin, with the familiar Frost, and 
 Ilinka Grap, with his old father. All these had downy 
 chins, wore fine linen, and sat quietly, without opening 
 the book^ and notes which they had brought with them, 
 and with perceptible timidity looked at the professors and 
 the examination tables. To the second class of candi- 
 dates belonged young men in Gymnasium uniforms, 
 many of whom already shaved. They were mostly 
 acquainted with each other, spoke loud, called the pro- 
 fessors by their names and patronymics, prepared their 
 questions, passed their note -books to each other, 
 climbed across the benches, and brought from the ante- 
 chamber pastry and sandwiches, which they devoured 
 right there in the hall, by lowering their heads to the 
 level of the benches. Lastly, the candidates of the third 
 class, of whom, however, there were not many, were those 
 who were quite old and wore dress coats, though more 
 frequently simple coats, and were apparently without 
 linen. They carried themselves very seriously, sat apart 
 from the others, and had a sombre aspect. The one who 
 had consoled me by being dressed worse than I belonged 
 to that class. He leaned on both his arms, passing his 
 fingers through his dishevelled gray hair, read a book, and 
 only for a moment gazed at me with not very benevolent, 
 beaming eyes ; he frowned gloomily and stretched out his 
 shiny elbow in my direction, so that I should not sit 
 down too close to him. The Gymnasiasts, on the contrary, 
 were too affable, and I was a little afraid of them. One 
 of them put a book into my hands and said : " Give it to 
 him ; " another passed by me and said, " Please let me 
 by ; " a third leaned against me as against a bench, while
 
 MY HISTORY EXAMINATION 285 
 
 climbing over. All that seemed coarse and disagreeable 
 to me ; I considered myself a great deal higher than these 
 Gymnasiasts, and thought they ought not to have per- 
 mitted themselves such familiarity with me. 
 
 At last, names were called. The Gymnasiasts stepped 
 boldly forward, generally answered their questions well, 
 and returned in a happy frame of mind ; our kind were 
 much more timid and answered, as I thought, not so well. 
 Of the older ones, some answered superbly, others badly. 
 When Sem^nov was called, my neighbour with the gray 
 hair and brilliant eyes pushed me roughly and, stepping 
 over my legs, went to the table. As could be seen by the 
 faces of the professors, he answered excellently and boldly. 
 When he returned to his seat, he did not bother about 
 finding out what mark he had received, but quietly took 
 up his note-books and went out. I had shuddered several 
 times at the sound of the voice which called out the 
 names, but my turn had not yet come in the alphabetical 
 order, though names beginning with I were now called. 
 " Ikonin and T^nev " somebody suddenly cried in the 
 professorial corner. A chill ran down my back and hair. 
 
 " Whom did they call ? Who is Bart^nev ? " they said 
 all about me. 
 
 " Ikonin, go, you are called. But who is Bart^nev, 
 Mord^nev ? I do not know, I must confess," said a tall, 
 red-cheeked Gymnasiast who was standing behind me. 
 
 " You," said St. Jerome. 
 
 " My name is Irt^nev," I said to the red-cheeked 
 Gymnasiast. "Did they call Irt^nev?" 
 
 " Why, yes ! Why don't you go ? I declare, what a 
 dandy ! " he added under his breath, but so that I could 
 hear his words, as I left the bench. Ahead of me was 
 walking Ikonin, a tall young man some twenty-five years 
 of age, who belonged to the third class of the ancients. 
 He was dressed in a tight olive-coloured dress coat, blue 
 satin necktie, to which ran down from behind his long,
 
 286 YOUTH 
 
 blond hair, carefully combed ^ la muzhik. I had noticed 
 his face, while he was still in his seat. He was not bad- 
 looking, and was talkative ; and I was particularly struck 
 by the strange red hair of his beard at the neck, and still 
 more by his strange habit^ of continually unbuttoning his 
 vest, and scratching his chest under his shirt. 
 
 Three professors were sitting at the table, to which 
 Ikdnin and I went up; not one of them returned our 
 greeting. A young professor shuffled the tickets like a 
 deck of cards; another professor, with a decoration on 
 his dress coat, looked at a Gymnasiast who was speaking 
 rapidly about Charlemagne, adding "finally" to every 
 word; and a third one, an old man in spectacles, bent 
 down his head, looked at us over his glasses, and pointed 
 to the tickets. I felt that his look was directed simul- 
 taneously to Ikdnin and to me, and that something in us 
 displeased him (maybe, Ikdnin's red hair), because he 
 looked at us simultaneously another time and made an 
 impatient gesture with his head, for us to hurry and take 
 our tickets. I was angry and felt insulted, first, because 
 no one had answered our greeting, secondly, because I 
 was evidently classed with Ikdnin as the same kind of 
 candidate, as though one should be prejudiced against 
 me for Ikonin's red hair. I took my ticket without any 
 timidity, and was getting ready to answer ; but the pro- 
 fessor pointed with his eyes to Ikonin. I read my ticket : 
 I was familiar with the question, and, waiting patiently 
 for my turn, I watched what was going on in front of 
 me. Ikdnin was not in the least frightened, and moved 
 forward boldly, somehow with his whole side, to take his 
 ticket, shook his hair, and courageously read what was 
 written down on his ticket. He opened his mouth, as I 
 thought, to answer, when the professor with the decora- 
 tion, who had just dismissed the Gymnasiast, looked at him. 
 Ikdnin seemed to remember something, and stopped. A 
 universal silence lasted for about two minutes.
 
 MY HISTORY EXAMINATION 287 
 
 " Well," said the professor in the spectacles, 
 
 Ikdniu opened his mouth and again stopped. 
 
 " You are not the only person here ; so, will you answer, 
 or not ? " said the young professor, but Ikdnin did not 
 even look at him. He gazed fixedly at the ticket, and 
 did not pronounce a word. The professor in the spectacles 
 looked at him through his glasses and over his glasses, 
 and without his glasses, for he had in the meantime taken 
 them down, carefully cleaned them, and put them on 
 again. Ikdnin did not pronounce a word. Suddenly a 
 smile flashed on his face, he shook his hair, again moving 
 his whole side at once, turned to the table, put down the 
 ticket, glanced at all the professors in succession, then at 
 me, turned about, and with a bold step, waving his arms, 
 returned to the bench. The professors looked at each 
 other. 
 
 " He is a good one ! " said the young professor. " A 
 pay student ! " 
 
 I moved up to the table, but the professors continued 
 to speak in a whisper to each other, as if they did not 
 even suspect my presence. I was then firmly convinced 
 that all three professors were particularly interested to 
 know whether I should pass my examination, and whether 
 I should pass well, and that they only pretended, to show 
 off their dignity, that it was a matter of indifference to 
 them, and they did not notice me. 
 
 When the professor in the spectacles turned to me 
 indifferently and invited me to answer the question, I 
 looked at his eyes and felt a little ashamed for him for 
 his duplicity before me, and at first faltered in my answer ; 
 but it soon went easier and easier, and as the question was 
 in Eussian history, which I knew excellently, I made a 
 brilliant showing, and, in my desire to let the professors 
 know that I was not Ikdnin, and that I should not be 
 mixed up with him, went so far as to offer to take another 
 ticket. But the professor shook his head, and said : " That
 
 288 YOUTH 
 
 will do, sir ! " and put down a mark in his book. When 
 I returned to the benches, I immediately learned from 
 the Gymnasiasts, who had found it out, God knows how, 
 that I had received a five mark.
 
 XI. 
 
 MY MATHEMATICS EXAMINATION 
 
 At the following examinations I had a number of new 
 acquaintances, in addition to Grap, whom I considered 
 unworthy of my friendship, and fvin, who was rather 
 shy of me. Some of them greeted me. Ikdnin was glad 
 to see me, and informed me that he would be reexamined 
 in history, and that the professor of history had a grudge 
 against him from last year's examination, at which he 
 had made him fail. Sem^nov, who was entering the 
 same faculty as I, the mathematical, kept away from all 
 the others until the end of his examinations, sat silently 
 by himself, leaning on his arms, and passing his fingers 
 through his gray hair, and answered his examinations 
 excellently. He was second. A Gymnasiast of the First 
 Gymnasium was first. He was a tall, lean fellow of dark 
 complexion, very pale, his cheek tied up with a black necktie, 
 and his brow covered with pimples. His hands were lean 
 and red, with extremely long fingers, and nails so bitten 
 that the ends of his fingers seemed to be tied with threads. 
 All that I thought beautiful and as it should be with a 
 " First Gymnasiast." He spoke to every one like anybody 
 else, and I became acquainted with him, but I judged 
 from his carriage, the movement of his hps and black 
 eyes, that there was something extraordinary, something 
 "magnetic," in them. 
 
 I came earlier than usual to my mathematical examina- 
 tion. I knew my subject well, but there were two 
 
 289
 
 290 YOUTH 
 
 questions in algebra which I had concealed from my 
 teacher, and which were entirely unknown to me. Those 
 were, as far as I remember now, the theory of associa- 
 tions, and Newton's binomial. I sat down on the back 
 bench, and looked over the two unfamihar questions ; but 
 not being accustomed to work in a noisy room, and not 
 having sufficient time, a fact of which I was conscious, I 
 was not able to concentrate my mind on my reading. 
 
 " Here he is, come here, Nekhlyudov ! " I heard behind 
 me Volodya's familiar voice. 
 
 I turned round and saw my brother and Dubk(5v, who 
 were walking up to me between the benches with their 
 coats unbuttoned, and swinging their arms. One could 
 immediately see that they were students of the second 
 year, who were at home in the university. The mere 
 aspect of the unbuttoned coats expressed contempt for us 
 fellows, the candidates, and they inspired us, in turn, with 
 envy and respect. I was very much flattered by the 
 thought that all persons about me could see that I was 
 acquainted with two students of the second year, and I 
 swiftly rose to meet them. 
 
 Volodya could not keep from expressing his feeling of 
 superiority. 
 
 " Oh, you miserable fellow ! " he said. " Have you not 
 been examined yet ? " 
 
 " No." 
 
 " What are you reading ? Are you not prepared ? " 
 
 "Not quite in two questions. I do not understand 
 this." 
 
 " What ? This ? " said Volddya, and began to explain 
 Newton's binomial to me, but so rapidly and indistinctly 
 that, reading suspicion of his knowledge in my eyes, he 
 looked at Dmitri, and, reading the same in his eyes, no 
 doubt, he blushed, but continued to talk that which I did 
 not understand. 
 
 " No, wait, Volodya ! Let me go it over with him, if
 
 MY MATHEMATICS EXAMINATION 291 
 
 there is time," said Dmitri, looking at the professors' 
 corner, and seating himself by my side. 
 
 I noticed at once that my friend was in that contented, 
 meek frame of mind which always came over him when 
 he was satisfied with himself, and which I especially 
 admired in him. As he knew mathematics well, and 
 spoke distinctly, he explained the question so clearly, that 
 I remember it even now. No sooner had he finished than 
 St. J^rOme called out in a loud whisper, " A vous, Nicolas ! " 
 and I followed Ikdnin out of the bench, without having 
 had time to touch the other unfamiliar question. I 
 walked up to the table, where two professors were seated, 
 and a Gymnasiast was standing at the blackboard. The 
 Gymnasiast was writing out a formula with much energy, 
 noisily breaking the chalk against the board, and con- 
 tinued to write, although the professor had told him long 
 ago, " That will do," and had ordered us to draw tickets. 
 " What if I should get the theory of associations ! " I 
 thought, drawing with trembling fingers a ticket from a 
 soft mass of bits of paper. Ikonin, with the same bold 
 gesture as at the previous examination, swaying with his 
 whole side took the topmost ticket, without much choos- 
 ing, looked at it, and frowned angrily. 
 
 " I get nothing but these little devils ! " he grumbled. 
 
 I looked at mine. terror ! it was the theory of 
 associations ! 
 
 " What have you ? " asked Ikonin. 
 
 I showed him. 
 
 " I know that," he said. 
 
 " Let us exchange." 
 
 " No, it does not make any difference. I do not feel 
 like it," Ikonin had barely whispered when the professor 
 called us to the board. 
 
 " Well, all is lost ! " I thought. " Instead of a brilliant 
 examination, which I had intended to pass, I shall cover 
 myself with shame for ever, worse than Ikonin." But
 
 292 YOUTH 
 
 suddenly Ikonin turned to me, under the eyes of the pro- 
 fessor, pulled the ticket out of my hands, and gave me 
 his. I looked at the ticket. It was Newton's binomial. 
 
 The professor was not a very old man, and had a pleas- 
 ant, intelhgent expression, which was produced mainly by 
 the large protruding lower part of his forehead. 
 
 " What is that ? You are exchanging tickets, gentle- 
 men ? " he said. 
 
 " No, he just let me look at his, Mr. Professor," Ikonin 
 had the presence of mind to say, and again " Mr. Profes- 
 sor " was the last word which he pronounced in that place ; 
 and again, as he passed by me, he glanced at the professors 
 and at me, smiled and shrugged his shoulders, with an 
 expression which said : 
 
 " It's all right, my friend ! " (I later learned that it was 
 the third year Ikonin had been coming to the entrance 
 examinations.) 
 
 I answered my question excellently, for I had just had 
 it explained to me, — the professor even said that I 
 had passed it better than could be expected, and gave me 
 a five mark.
 
 xn. 
 
 THE LATIN EXAMINATION 
 
 Everything went well up to the time of the Latin 
 examination. The bundled-up Gymnasiast was first, Se- 
 m^nov second, I third, I even began to grow proud and 
 seriously to think that, in spite of my youth, I was 
 somebody. 
 
 Even at the first examination all told with trembling 
 of the Latin professor, who was a beast and took dehght 
 in the ruin of young men, particularly pay students, and 
 who, it was asserted, never spoke but in Latin or Greek. 
 St. Jerome, who had been my teacher of Latin, encouraged 
 me, and I myself thought I was prepared not worse than 
 the others, since I had translated Cicero and a few odes of 
 Horace without a dictionary, and knew Zumpt by heart. 
 We heard all the morning of nothing but the ruin of 
 those who were examined before me ; to one the professor 
 gave zero, to another one, a third canditate he called 
 names and wanted to put out, and so on. Only Sem^nov 
 and the " First " Gymnasiast walked out calmly as before, 
 and returned, having received five each. I had a presen- 
 timent of my misfortune, when Ikonin and I were called 
 to the small table at which the terrible professor was 
 seated all by himself. The terrible professor was a small, 
 lean, sallow man, with long, greasy hair, and a very pen- 
 sive countenance. He handed to Ikonin a volume of 
 C'cero's speeches, and told him to translate. To my great 
 
 293
 
 294 YOUTH 
 
 astonishment, Ikonin not only read, but even translated a 
 few lines with the aid of the professor, who helped him 
 out. As I felt my superiority before so weak a rival, I 
 could not help smihng, even somewhat contemptuously, 
 when it came to the analysis, and Ik6nin, as formerly, 
 was merged in inextricable silence. I had intended to 
 win the professor's favour with that intelligent, slightly 
 derisive smile, but it turned out quite differently. 
 
 " You, no doubt, know it better, since you smile," said 
 the professor to me in bad Russian. "We shall see. 
 Now, you tell it." 
 
 Later I learned that the professor of Latin favoured 
 Ikonin, and that Ikdnin was even living at his house. I 
 immediately answered the question on syntax which had 
 been put to Ikonin, but the professor assumed a sad 
 expression and turned away from me. 
 
 " Very well, sir, your turn will come, and we shall see 
 what you know," he said, without looking at me, and 
 began to explain to Ikdnin the question he had asked 
 him. 
 
 " That will do," he added, and I saw him mark Ikdnin 
 four in the book of marks. "Well," I thought, "he is 
 not at all so severe as they said." After Ikdnin had 
 gone, he for a fuU five minutes, which appeared to me 
 like five hours, arranged the books and tickets, cleared 
 his nose, straightened out the chairs, threw himself into 
 one, stared at the hall, around him, and everywhere, only 
 not at me. AH that feigning did not seem sufficient to 
 him, so he opened a book and pretended he was reading 
 it, as if I did not exist for him at all. I moved up and 
 coughed. 
 
 " Oh, yes ! You ! Well, translate something," he said, 
 handing me a book ; " or no, you had better take this." 
 He turned the pages of Horace, and opened it at a passage 
 which, I was sure, nobody could ever translate. 
 
 " I did not prepare this," I said.
 
 THE LATIN EXAMINATION 295 
 
 " Oh, you waut to answer only what you have learned 
 by rote ! Very well ! No, you translate this ! " 
 
 I managed to make some sense out of it, but the 
 professor shook his head at every questioning glance of 
 mine, and, sighing, answered only " No." At last, he 
 closed the book ; he did it so swiftly and nervously that 
 he caught his finger between the leaves ; he angrily pulled 
 it out, gave me a ticket in grammar, and, leaning back in 
 his chair, was most ominously silent. I started to answer, 
 but the expression of his face fettered my tongue, and 
 everything I said sounded wrong to me. 
 
 " Not that, not at all that," he suddenly burst out in his 
 horrible pronunciation, rapidly changing his position, 
 leaning on the table and playing with his gold ring, which 
 fitted badly on the lean finger of his left hand. " Gentle- 
 men, it will not do to be prepared in such a manner for 
 a higher institution of learning : you are thinking only 
 of wearing a uniform with a blue collar, and you snap 
 up the tops of things, and imagine that you can be 
 students ; no, gentlemen, you must begin your subjects 
 in a thorough manner," and so forth in the same strain. 
 
 All during his speech, which was pronounced in very 
 faulty language, I looked with dull attention at his droop- 
 ing eyes. At first I was tormented by the disappointment 
 that I should not be third, then by the fear that I should 
 not pass my examination at all ; finally there was added 
 to this the feeling of injustice, offended self-esteem, and 
 undeserved humiliation ; in addition, a contempt for the 
 professor for not meeting my conception of a man comme 
 il faut, which I discovered when I saw his short, strong, 
 and round nails, still more fanned these feelings and made 
 them venomous. Looking at me, and noticing my quiver- 
 ing lips and eyes filled with tears, he evidently explained 
 my agitation as a request that he should give me a better 
 mark, and, as though taking pity on me, he said (in the 
 presence of another professor, who had just stepped up) :
 
 296 YOUTH 
 
 "Very well, I shall give you a pass mark" (which 
 meant two), '- though you do not deserve it, but I do so 
 out of consideration for your youth, and in the hope that 
 you will not be so frivolous in the university." 
 
 The last sentence, which was said in the presence of a 
 strange professor, who looked at me as if to say, "Yes, 
 you see, young man ? " completely undid me. There was 
 a minute when my eyes were clouded : the terrible pro- 
 fessor, with his table, appeared to me to be sitting a long 
 distance off, and the wild idea passed through my mind 
 with terrible, one-sided clearness : " Suppose — what 
 would happen ? " But, for some reason, I did not do it ; 
 on the contrary, I bowed very respectfully, though uncon- 
 sciously, to both the professors, and, smiling softly, the 
 same smile, I thought, Ikonin had smiled, went away from 
 the table. 
 
 That injustice affected me so powerfully that, if I had 
 been free to do as I chose, I should not have gone to the 
 other examinations. I lost every ambition (I no longer 
 could hope to be third), and I passed all the following 
 examinations without the least preparation or anxiety. I 
 received as an average four with a fraction, but that no 
 longer interested me. I decided, and proved it to my full 
 satisfaction, that it was very stupid, and even mauvais 
 genre to try to be first, but that one ought to endeavour 
 not to have one's standing either too good or too bad, just 
 like Vol6dya. I made up my mind to stick to this plan 
 in the university, though in this I departed for the first 
 time from the opinion of my friend. 
 
 I now thought only of my uniform, the cocked hat, my 
 own vehicle, my own room, and, above all, my personal 
 freedom.
 
 XIII. 
 
 T AM A GROWN-UP MAN 
 
 However, these thoughts had their charm, too. 
 
 When I returned on the 8th of May from my last 
 examination, in religion, I found at home an apprentice 
 from Eozanov, who had before brought a basted uniform 
 and a coat of smooth black cloth with a sheen, and had 
 marked the lapels with chalk ; he now brought the com- 
 pleted suit, with shining gold buttons, wrapped in papers. 
 
 I put on the suit and found it beautiful, in spite of St. 
 Jerome's assurance that the back of the coat wrinkled. I 
 went down-stairs with a self-satisfied smile, which invol- 
 untarily spread over my whole countenance, and went to 
 Volodya's room, feehng, though pretending not to notice, 
 the glances of the servants, which were eagerly directed 
 toward me from the antechamber and the corridor. 
 Gavrilo, the majordomo, caught up with me in the par- 
 lour, congratulated me on my entering the university, 
 presented to me, by papa's order, four twenty-five rouble 
 bills, and said that, also by papa's order, from that day on 
 coachman Kuzma, a vehicle, and the bay, Beauty, were at 
 my entire disposal. I was so rejoiced at this almost 
 unexpected happiness that I was unable to feign indiffer- 
 ence before Gavrilo, and, after a moment of confusion and 
 hesitation, I said the first thing that occurred to me, — I 
 think it was, " Beauty is an excellent trotter." 
 
 I glanced at the heads that stuck through the doors of 
 the antechamber and the corridor, and, not being able to 
 
 297
 
 298 YOUTH 
 
 hold myself in any longer, raced through the parlour in 
 my new overcoat with the shining gold buttons. As I 
 entered Volddya's room, I heard behind me the voices of 
 Dubkov and Nekhlyiidov, who had come to congratulate 
 me and to propose that we drive out for dinner and 
 drink champagne in honour of my entering the university. 
 Dmitri said to me that, though he did not like to drink 
 champagne, he would drive out with us to-day, in order 
 to drink " brotherhood " with me. Dubkov said that I 
 somehow resembled a colonel ; Vol6dya did not congrat- 
 ulate me, and very drily said that two days later we 
 could go into the country. Although he was glad of my 
 success, it looked as if he were a little annoyed at my 
 being now just such a grown person as he. St. J^rSme, 
 who also came to see us.^said in high-flown terms that his 
 duty was now ended, but that he had done all he could, 
 and that the next day he should move to the count's 
 house. In answer to all they told me, I felt that an 
 involuntary, sweet, happy, stupidly self-satisfied smile was 
 blooming forth on my face, and I noticed that that smile 
 communicated itself to all who spoke with me. 
 
 And thus I had no longer a tutor, I possessed my own 
 vehicle, my name was printed in the list of the students, 
 I wore a sword with a sword-knot, — sentinels might 
 present arms to me — I was a young man, and, I am 
 sure, I was happy. 
 
 We decided to dine at Yar's at five o'clock ; but as 
 Vol6dya had driven out to Dubkov's house, and Dmitri, 
 as usual, had disappeared, saying that he had some busi- 
 ness before dinner, I was able to pass two hours as I 
 chose. I walked about the rooms for some time, and 
 looked in all the mirrors, now with my coat buttoned, 
 now unbuttoned, now buttoned with the upper button 
 only, and always it looked beautiful to me. Then, though 
 I had scruples about evincing too much joy, I could not 
 restrain myself, and went to the stable and carriage shed
 
 I AM A GROWN - UP MAN 299 
 
 to look at Beauty, Kuzmd, and the vehicle ; then I 
 
 returned and began to walk through the rooms, looking 
 
 n the mirrors and counting the money in my pocL-^t, and 
 
 U the time smihng blissfully. But not an hour passed 
 
 'ore I felt lonely and sorry that nobody saw me in such 
 
 magnificent state, and I needed motion and activity. 
 
 ordered the vehicle out, and decided that I had 
 
 • go to Blacksmith Bridge, to make some purchases. 
 
 called that Volodya, upon entering the university, 
 
 ught lithographs of horses by Victor Adam, and 
 
 and a pipe, and it seemed to me necessary to do 
 
 iC the eyes of all were turned on me from every 
 and the sun brilhantly shone upon '^ly buttons, upon 
 the cockade of my hat, and upon my sword, I arrived at 
 Blacksmith Bridge, and stopped at the picture shop of 
 Dazziaro. I looked all around me, and walked in. I did 
 not want to buy Adam's horses, lest I should be accused 
 of aping Volodya, but, being abashed, and wishing to 
 choose as quickly as possible, in order to save the oblig- 
 ing clerk trouble, I took a water-colour painting of a 
 female head which was standing in the window, and paid 
 twenty roubles for it. Yet, though I paid twenty 
 roubles, I felt ashamed at having troubled two beautifully 
 dressed clerks with such a trifle, and, at the same time, I 
 thought they did not pay me the proper respect. As 
 I was desirous of letting them know who I was, I turned 
 my attention to a silver thing that lay under a glass, and 
 upon learning that it was a pencil-case, costing eighteen 
 roubles, I asked to have it wrapped up, and paid for it. 
 Having found out that good pipe-stems and tobacco could 
 be purchased in the adjoining tobacco-shop, I politely 
 bowed to the two clerks and walked out into the street, 
 with the picture under my arm. In the neighbouring 
 shop, on the sign of which was painted a negro smoking 
 a cigar, I bought, also from a desire not to imitate any-
 
 300 YOUTH 
 
 body, not Zhukdv's, but Turkish tobacco, a Turkish pipe, 
 and two linden and briar pipe-stems. As I left the shop 
 and walked to the vehicle, I saw Sem^nov, who war 
 dressed in citizen's clothes and, with drooping head, wr 
 walking rapidly along the sidewalk. I felt anno- 
 because he did not recognize me. I called out quite ] 
 " Drive up ! " and, seating myself in the vehicle, cf 
 up with him. 
 
 " Good day," I said. 
 
 " My regards," he answered, and continued to v 
 
 " I see you are not in your uniform ! " I said t*^ 
 
 Sem^nov stopped, blinked, and showed his i 
 though it pained him to look into the sun, but, in re^ 
 show his indifferince to my vehicle and uniform, gazeu v.^ 
 me in silence, and walked on. 
 
 From Blacksmith Bridge I drove to a confectioner's on 
 the Tver Boulevard, and though I tried to feign that it 
 was the newspapers that interested me there, I could not 
 keep myself from eating one pastry after another. Al- 
 though I felt ashamed before the gentleman who kept 
 on looking at me from behind his paper, I devoured in 
 rapid succession some eight cakes of every kind which 
 was to be found in the shop. 
 
 When I arrived at home I felt some heartburn ; but I 
 paid no attention to it, and began to examine my pur- 
 chases. I was so disgusted with my picture that I not 
 only did not put it in a frame, but concealed it behind 
 the bureau, where Volodya could not see it. Nor did I 
 like a pencil-case at home ; so I put it in the table, con- 
 soling myself, however, with the thought that it was of 
 silver, a fine piece of work, and very useful for a student. 
 But I decided at once to put to use the smoking parapher- 
 nalia, and to test them. 
 
 I opened the quarter-pound package, carefully filled 
 the Turkish pipe with the brown, finely cut Turkish 
 tobacco, placed upon it a burning piece of tinder, and,
 
 I AM A GROWN-UP MAN 301 
 
 taking the stem between the middle and ring fingers, — a 
 position of the hand which I particularly admired, — 
 began to puff. 
 
 The odour of the tobacco was very pleasant, but there 
 was a bitter taste in my mouth, and the smoke choked 
 me. I took courage, for quite awhile puffed ahead, and 
 tried to make smoke rings, and to breathe in the smoke. 
 The room was soon filled with bluish clouds, the pipe 
 began to snarl, the hot tobacco bubbled, and I felt a 
 bitterness in my mouth and a shght whirling in my 
 head. I wanted to stop, and just to take a look at 
 myself in the mirror, but, to my astonishment, my legs 
 tottered ; the room went round in a circle, and when I 
 looked into the mirror, to which I had dragged myself 
 with difficulty, I noticed that my face was as pale as a 
 sheet. No sooner did I seat myself on the sofa, than I 
 felt such nausea and weakness that I concluded the pipe 
 was poisonous to me, and that I was sure to die. I was 
 frightened in earnest, and was about to call for help and 
 send for the doctor. 
 
 This fear did not last. I soon saw what the matter 
 was, and for a long time lay, weak and with a terrible 
 headache, upon the sofa, looking with dull attention at 
 the trade-mark of Bostanzhoglo which was represented 
 on the quarter-pound package, at the pipe which was 
 lying upon the floor, at the tobacco lumps, and at what 
 was left of the pastry, and I thought in disappointment 
 and sadness : " Evidently I am not yet a grown-up man, 
 if I am not able to smoke like others, and it is not fated 
 that I should hold, like others, my pipe between my 
 middle and ring fingers, and puff", and pass the smoke 
 through my blond moustache." 
 
 Dmitri, who came for me after four o'clock, found me 
 in that unfortunate condition. But after drinking a glass 
 of water, I was almost entirely well, and ready to go with 
 him.
 
 302 YOUTH 
 
 " What good do you find in smoking ? " he said, looking 
 at the traces of smoking. " This is nothing but foolish- 
 ness and useless waste of money. I have taken a vow 
 never to smoke. However, come ! We have to call for 
 Dubkdv yet."
 
 XIV. 
 
 WHAT dubk6v's and volodya's occupations were 
 
 The moment Dmitri entered my room, I saw by his 
 face, by his gait, and by his peculiar gesture, which he 
 made every time he was out of sorts, and which consisted 
 in winking and jerking his head awry, as if to rearrange 
 his necktie, that he was in his cold and stubborn frame 
 of mind, which came over him when he was dissatisfied 
 with himself, and which always had a chilling effect upon 
 my attachment for him. Of late I had begun to observe 
 and judge the character of my friend, but our friendship 
 did not suffer from it in the least : it was still so young 
 and strong that from whatever side I looked at Dmitri I 
 could not help but consider him perfection. There were 
 two different men in him, and they both seemed beautiful 
 to me. One, whom I loved passionately, was good, kind, 
 meek, merry, and conscious of these amiable qualities. 
 When he was in that mood, his whole exterior, the sound 
 of his voice, and all his movements seemed to say, " I 
 am meek and virtuous, and I take pleasure in being meek 
 and virtuous, and you may see it all." The other, whom 
 I had just begun to discover, and before whose majesty 
 I bowed, was a cold man, severe to himself and to others, 
 proud, fanatically religious, and pedantically virtuous. At 
 that particular moment he was that second man. 
 
 With a frankness, which constituted a necessary condi- 
 tion of our relation, I told him, when we seated ourselves 
 in the vehicle, that I was pained and sad to see him in 
 
 303
 
 304 YOUTH 
 
 such a heavy and disagreeable frame of mind on a day 
 which was so happy for me. 
 
 " No doubt something has annoyed you. Why do you 
 not tell me ? " I asked him. 
 
 " Nikdlenka ! " he answered in a leisurely manner, nerv- 
 ously jerking his head and winking, "if I promised you 
 that 1 should not conceal anything from you, you have 
 no cause for suspecting my secretiveness. A person can- 
 not always be in the same mood, and if anything has 
 annoyed me, I am not able to account for it ! " 
 
 " What a wonderfully frank and honest character his 
 is," I thought, and did not continue the conversation. 
 
 We reached Dubkov's in silence. Dubkov's apartments 
 were unusually fine, or at least seemed so to me. There 
 were everywhere rugs, pictures, curtains, gay wall-paper, 
 wicker chairs, large armchairs; on the wall hung rifles, 
 pistols, tobacco pouches, and card-paper animal heads. 
 At the sight of that cabinet, I saw at once whom Volodya 
 was imitating in fixing up his room. We found Dubk6v 
 and Volodya at cards. A stranger (a man evidently not of 
 much importance, to judge by his modest position) sat 
 at the table and attentively watched the game. Dubkov 
 had on a silk dressing-gown and soft shoes. Volodya, 
 without his coat, was sitting opposite him, on the sofa, 
 and, to judge by his flushed face and the dissatisfied and 
 cursory glance which he cast upon us, while tearing him- 
 self away from his cards for a second, was absorbed in 
 the game. When he saw me, he blushed even more. 
 
 " Well, it is your deal," he said to Dubkov. I under- 
 stood that he was ill at ease, because I had found out 
 that he played at cards. But there was no consternation 
 in his look, — it simply said : " Yes, I play, and you are 
 surprised because you are young. This is not only not 
 bad, but quite the thing at our years." 
 
 I felt it and understood it at once. 
 
 Dubkdv, however, did not deal the cards, but rose,
 
 dubk6v's and vol6dta's occupations 305 
 
 pressed our hands, gave us chairs, and offered us pipes, 
 which we refused. 
 
 " So here he is, our diplomatist, the cause of our cele- 
 bration," said Dubkov. " Upon my word, he looks very 
 much like a colonel." 
 
 " Hm ! " I muttered, again feeling a stupidly self-satis- 
 fied smile spreading on my face. 
 
 I respected Dubkov as only a sixteen-year-old boy can 
 respect a twenty-seven-year-old adjutant, whom all the 
 big people called an exceedingly fine young man, who 
 danced well and spoke French, and who, at heart despising 
 my youth, endeavoured to conceal this feeling. 
 
 In spite of all my respect for him, it was, God knows 
 why, during the whole time of our acquaintance, a hard 
 and awkward matter for me to look into his eyes. I 
 noticed later that there were three kinds of people, into 
 whose eyes I found it hard to look straight : those who 
 were considerably worse than I; those who were con- 
 siderably better than I ; and those to whom I did not 
 dare to tell a thing which both of us knew. It may be, 
 Dubkov was better than I, or it may be, he was worse, 
 but this much was certain, he lied a great deal, without 
 acknowledging the fact, and I had noticed this weakness 
 in him, but, naturally, did not have the courage to tell 
 him so. 
 
 " Let us play another score," said Volodya, jerking his 
 shoulder like papa, and shuffling the cards. 
 
 " Why do you insist ? " said Dubkov. " We could finish 
 it later. However, let us have it ! " 
 
 While they played I watched their hands. Yol(5dya 
 had a beautiful large hand, and the division of the thumb 
 and the curvature of the other fingers, as he held the 
 cards, so resembled papa's, that I thought for a moment 
 Volodya was purposely holding his hands that way, in 
 order to resemble a man ; but when I observed his face, 
 it was evident that he was thinking of nothing but the
 
 306 YOUTH 
 
 game. Dubkdv's hands, on the contrary, were small, 
 fleshy, bent inwardly, very agile, and with soft fingers, — 
 just the kind of hands upon which rings are worn, and 
 which belong to people who like to work with them, and 
 love to have beautiful things. 
 
 Volddya must have lost, for the gentleman, who was 
 looking into his cards, remarked that Vladimir Petrdvich 
 had terribly bad luck, and Dubkov reached for his port- 
 foho, wrote something down in it, and, showing it to 
 Volddya, said : " Eight ? " 
 
 " Yes," said Volodya, looking with feigned indifference 
 at the note-book, " now let us go ! " 
 
 Volodya took Dubkov with him, and Dmitri took me 
 in his phaeton. 
 
 " What were they playing ? " I asked Dmitri. 
 
 " Piquet. A stupid game, but, as for that, all games 
 are stupid." 
 
 " Do they play for large stakes ? " 
 
 " No, not large, but it is bad all the same." 
 
 " And do you not play ? " 
 
 " No, I have vowed not to play ; and Dubk6v is bound 
 to win from anybody." 
 
 " But that is not nice of him," I said. " Volddya, no 
 doubt, plays worse than he." 
 
 " Of course, it is not nice ; but there is nothing bad 
 about it. Dubkdv likes to play and knows how to play, 
 but he is an excellent man for all that." 
 
 " I did not mean to say — "I said. 
 
 " There is no reason for having a bad opinion of him, 
 for he is really a fine man. I love him very much, and 
 shall always love him, in spite of his weakness." 
 
 It appeared to me, for some reason, that the fact that 
 Dmitri so warmly defended Dubk6v proved that he no 
 longer loved and respected him, but did not acknowledge 
 this from stubbornness, in order that no one might accuse 
 him of inconstancy. He was one of those men who love
 
 DUBKOV'S AND VOLODYA's OCCUPATIONS 307 
 
 their friends all their lives, not so much because their 
 friends please them continually, as because they consider 
 it dishonourable to give up a man, after they have taken 
 a liking for him, even if it be by mistake.
 
 XV. 
 
 I AM CONGRATULATED 
 
 DUBKOV and Vol6dya knew all the people at Yar's 
 by their names, and all, from the doorkeeper to the pro- 
 prietor, treated them with great respect. We were shown 
 at once to a separate room, and we had a wonderful din- 
 ner, which Dubkov selected from a French menu. A 
 bottle of iced champagne, upon which I tried to look with 
 entire indifference, was already prepared. The dinner 
 passed very agreeably and merrily, although Dubk6v, as 
 was his habit, told a lot of strange incidents, which he 
 claimed were true, — among them, how his grandmother 
 once killed, with a blunderbuss, three brigands who had 
 attacked her (which made me blush and, lowering my eyes, 
 turn away from him), and although Vol6dya evidently 
 trembled every time I began to say something (which 
 was quite unnecessary, for, so far as I remember, I did 
 not say anything out of the way). When the champagne 
 was brought, all congratulated me, and, crossing hands, I 
 drank " brotherhood " with Dubk6v and Dmitri, and we 
 kissed each other. As I did not know to whom the 
 bottle of champagne belonged (I later learned that it was 
 the whole company's), and as I wanted to treat my 
 friends with my own money, which I kept on fingering in 
 my pocket, I softly fetched out a ten-rouble bill and, 
 calling up a waiter, gave it to him, and ordered him in a 
 whisper, but so that they all could hear, for they were 
 looking at me in silence, to bring us another half-bottle 
 
 308
 
 I AM CONGRATULATED 309 
 
 of champagne, Volodya blushed, jerked his shoulder, 
 and looked frightened at me and at everybody, so that I 
 felt I had made a mistake, but the half-bottle was 
 brought, and we drank it with much enjoyment. 
 
 We continued to have a jolly time. Dubkov Hed 
 without cessation ; Volodya, too, told funny stories, — he 
 told them better than I had ever expected him to ; and 
 we all laughed a great deal. The character of their fun, 
 that is, Vol6dya's and Dubkdv's, consisted in the imitation 
 and exaggeration of certain anecdotes : " Have you been 
 abroad ? " asked one, and the other would answer : " No, I 
 have not, but my brother plays the fiddle." To every 
 question they answered each other in that way, and even 
 without being questioned, they tried to connect the most 
 incompatible things, and spoke that nonsense with most 
 serious faces, — and the result was very funny. I began 
 to see through their jokes, and wanted myself to say 
 something funny, but all looked embarrassed and tried not 
 to gaze at me while I was speaking, and the joke fell flat. 
 Dubkdv said : " You are off, brother diplomatist ; " but I 
 was so happy from the champagne I had drunk, and from 
 being in the company of big people, that this remark 
 barely touched me. Only Dmitri, who had been drinking 
 as much as any of us, remained in his severe, solemn 
 mood, which to a certain extent subdued the general 
 merriment, 
 
 " Now, listen, gentlemen ! " said Dubkov. " After din- 
 ner we must take the diplomat into our hands. How 
 about driving to ' aunty ' ? We will fix him there ! " 
 
 " You know Nekhlyiidov will not go with us," said 
 Volodya. 
 
 " Intolerable saint ! You intolerable saint ! " said Dub- 
 kov, turning to him. " Come along ; you will see ' aunty ' 
 is a nice lady." 
 
 " Not only will I not go, but I will not let him either," 
 answered Dmitri, blushing.
 
 310 YOUTH 
 
 " Whom ? The diplomat ? You want to, diplomat ? 
 Not ? Really, he all brightened up when we mentioned 
 * aunty.' " 
 
 " I will not exactly forbid his going," continued Dmitri, 
 rising from his seat, and beginning to pace the room, 
 without looking at me, "but I advise him not to, and 
 I do not want him to go. He is not a child now, and if 
 he wishes to go there, he can do so without you. And 
 you, Dubkov, must be ashamed of your bad act, so you 
 want others to do likewise." 
 
 " What wrong is there," said Dubkov, winking at 
 Volodya, " in inviting you all to * aunty's ' for a cup of 
 tea ? Well, if you do not like to go with us, Yol(5dya and 
 I will go alone. Volodya, do you want to ? " 
 
 " Hm, hm," Volodya said in affirmation, " let us drive 
 down there, and then we will return to my room to con- 
 tinue the piquet." 
 
 " Well, will you go with them ? " said Dmitri, walking 
 up to me. 
 
 " No," I answered, moving up on the sofa, so as to give 
 him a seat near me, which he took. " I do not want to, 
 anyway, and if you advise me not to, I certainly will 
 not go." 
 
 " No," I added later, " I told an untruth when I said 
 I did not want to go with them ; but I am glad I am not 
 going." 
 
 " That is right," he said, " live your own life, and do 
 not dance to somebody else's fiddle. That is best." 
 
 This short discussion did not in the least curtail our 
 pleasure, but even increased it. Dmitri suddenly fell into 
 my favourite meek mood. The consciousness of a good 
 act, as I often observed later, always produced that effect 
 upon him. He was satisfied with himself for having 
 saved me. He grew very jolly, asked for another bottle 
 of champagne (which was against his rules), called in a 
 strange gentleman, whom he began to fill with wine,
 
 I AM C0NGRATULATI':D ^11 
 
 sang " Gaudeainus igitur," asked all to sing the refrain, 
 and proposed to us that we go out driving to Sokoluiki, 
 to which suggestion Duhk(!)V replied that this was too 
 sentimental. 
 
 " Let us have a good time," said Dmitri, smiling. "In 
 honour of his entering the university I will, upon my 
 word, drink myself drunk for the first time in my life." 
 This merriment was rather odd in Dmitri. He resembled 
 a tutor or a good father, who is satisfied with his chil- 
 dren, and wants to give them pleasure, and at the same 
 time prove to them that one can enjoy himself decently 
 and honestly ; still, this sudden merriment acted con- 
 tagiously upon me and upon the others, the more so 
 since each of us had already consumed a half-bottle of 
 champagne. 
 
 In this happy frame of mine I went into the large 
 room, to light the cigarette which Dubkov had offered 
 me. 
 
 When I rose from my seat, I noticed that my head 
 was a little dizzy, and that my legs walked and my hands 
 remained in a natural position only as long as I thought 
 of them with concentration. Otherwise, my legs had 
 a sideways leaning, and my arms cut capers. I directed 
 all my attention to these limbs, ordered my arms to be 
 lifted to button my coat, to smooth my hair (doing which 
 my elbows flew up dreadfully), and commanded my legs 
 to walk to the door, which they executed, but they 
 stopped either too hard, or too gently, especially my left 
 leg, which rose on tiptoe. A voice called out to me : 
 " Where are you going ? They will bring a candle ! " I 
 guessed that the voice belonged to Volodya, and I experi- 
 enced a certain pleasure at the thought that I had 
 guessed it, but I only smiled in reply, and went on.
 
 XVL 
 
 THE QUAEREL 
 
 In the large room a short, thickset gentleman in 
 citizen's clothes, with a red moustache, was sitting at 
 a small table and eating. By his side sat a tall, dark- 
 haired man without a moustache. They were speaking 
 in French. Their gaze disconcerted me, but I de- 
 cided, nevertheless, to hght my cigarette at the candle 
 which was standing in front of them. Looking about me, 
 so as not to meet their glances, I walked up to the table, 
 and began to light my cigarette. When the cigarette 
 burned, I held out no longer, but cast a look on the gen- 
 tleman who was dining. His gray eyes were directed 
 fixedly and threateningly at me. I was about to turn 
 away, when the red moustache came in motion, and he 
 uttered in French : " I object to smoking, sir, when I am 
 at dinner." 
 
 I muttered something unintelhgible. 
 
 " Yes ; I object," continued severely the gentleman 
 with the moustache, casting a cursory glance upon the 
 gentleman without the moustache, as if inviting him to 
 watch his belabouring me. " And I do not hke, sir, people 
 who are so impoHte as to smoke right before my face, — I 
 do not like them." 
 
 I immediately made out that the gentleman was bad- 
 gering me, but it appeared to me at first that I was very 
 much to blame. 
 
 " I did not think it would incommode you," I said. 
 
 312
 
 THE QUARREL 313 
 
 " Oh, you did not think you were a boor, but I did ! " 
 cried the gentleman. 
 
 " What right have you to yell ? " I said, feeling that he 
 was insulting me, and growing angry myself. 
 
 " This right, that I will not permit any one to fail in 
 his respect to me ; and I will always teach such fine 
 fellows as you a lesson. What is your name, sir, and 
 where do you live ? " 
 
 I was furious, my lips quivered, and my breath choked 
 me. I felt myself guilty, no doubt, for having drunk too 
 much champagne, and I did not rudely insult the gentle- 
 man, but, on the contrary, my hps in the most humble 
 fashion gave him my name and address. 
 
 " My name is Kolpikdv, dear sir, and you had better 
 be more civil next time. You will hear from me " (vous 
 aurez de mes nouvelles), he concluded, speaking all the 
 time in French. 
 
 I answered only, " Very glad," trying to give my voice 
 as much firmness as possible, turned about, and went to 
 our room with my cigarette, which had in the meantime 
 gone out. 
 
 I did not say a word of what had happened, either to 
 my brother, or to my friend, particularly since they were 
 warmly discussing something, but seated myself, all alone, 
 in a corner, and began to ruminate over the strange inci- 
 dent. " You are a boor, sir " (un mal SlevS, monsieur) 
 resounded in my ears, ever more provoking me. My 
 intoxication was all passed. When I reflected how I 
 had acted in that affair, I was suddenly struck by the 
 terrible idea that I had acted as a coward. What right 
 did he have to attack me ? Why did he not say simply 
 that it incommoded him ? It is he who is guilty. Why, 
 when he told me that I was a boor, did I not tell him : 
 " A boor, sir, is he who permits himself any rudeness," or 
 why did I not yell at him : " Shut up ! " That would 
 have been excellent. Why did I not call him out to
 
 314 YOUTH 
 
 a duel ? No, I did not do any of these things, but 
 swallowed the insult like any mean coward. " You are a 
 boor, sir ! " dinned provokingly in my ears. " No, it can- 
 not be left so," I thought, with the firm determination of 
 going again to that gentleman and telling him something 
 terrible, and even knocking him down with the candle- 
 stick, if the opportunity offered itself. I considered this 
 latter intention with great pleasure, and entered the large 
 room, not, however, without a great deal of fear. Fortu- 
 nately, Mr. Kolpikdv was gone ; there was no one there 
 but a waiter who was cleaning up the table. I wanted 
 to communicate to the waiter what had happened, and to 
 explain to him that I was not to blame for it, but I recon- 
 sidered the matter, and returned to our room in the 
 gloomiest frame of mind. 
 
 " What is the matter with our diplomat ? " said Dub- 
 kov. " He is, no doubt, deciding the fate of Europe ! " 
 
 " Oh, leave me alone ! " I said, turning away morosely. 
 After that I paced the room and reflected about Dubk6v, 
 who, I concluded, was not at all a good man. " What 
 sense is there in those eternal jokes, and in calHng me 
 * diplomat ? ' There is no fun in it. All he cares for is 
 to win from Volodya at cards, and to call on some ' aunty.' 
 And there is nothing agreeable about him. Everything 
 he says is a he, or a mean remark, and he is always ready 
 to ridicule a person. I think he is simply a stupid fellow, 
 and a bad man." I passed some five minutes in these re- 
 flections, my hostile feeling for Dubk6v increasing all the 
 time. Dubk6v, however, paid no attention to me, which 
 provoked me still more. I was even angry with Vol6dya 
 and Dmitri, because they were conversing with him. 
 
 " Do you know what, gentlemen ? We ought to pour 
 water over the diplomat," suddenly said Dubkov, glancing 
 at me with a smile which to me appeared derisive and 
 even treacherous, " for he is no good ; upon my word, he is 
 no good ! "
 
 THE QUARREL 315 
 
 " Water ought to be poured over you ! You are no 
 good yourself," I answered, smiling maliciously and for- 
 getting that we were speaking " thou " to each other. 
 
 This answer evidently surprised Dubk6v, but he turned 
 away with indifference, and continued his conversation 
 with Volddya and Dmitri. 
 
 I tried to take part in their discussion, but felt that I 
 could not feign, and again betook myself to my corner, 
 where I remained till our departure. 
 
 When we had paid our bills and were putting on our 
 overcoats, Dubkov turned to Dmitri : " Well, where will 
 Orestes and Pylades go ? I suppose home, to talk about 
 love. Very well, but we will call on dear ' aunty,' — that 
 is better than your sour friendship." 
 
 " How dare you speak so, and make fun of us ? " I sud- 
 denly called out, walking up close to him, and waving 
 my arms. " How dare you make fun of feelings which 
 you do not understand ? I shall not permit you to do 
 that. Shut up ! " I called out, and grew myself silent, 
 not knowing what to say further, and breathless with 
 emotion. Dubkov was surprised at first, then wanted to 
 smile and take it as a joke, but finally, to my great amaze- 
 ment, he was frightened and lowered his eyes. 
 
 " I am not making fun of you or your feelings. I was 
 just talking," he said, evasively. 
 
 " That's it ! " I cried, but at the same time I felt 
 ashamed of myself and sorry for Dubkov, whose red, 
 disconcerted countenance expressed genuine suffering. 
 
 " What is the matter with you ? " spoke Volodya and 
 Dmitri at once. " Nobody intended to insult you." 
 
 " No, he wanted to offend me." 
 
 " I declare, your brother is a terrible gentleman," said 
 Dubk(5v, just as he was walking out of the door, so that 
 he could not hear what I would say. 
 
 It may be, I should have run after him, to tell him a 
 lot of rude things, but just then the waiter who had been
 
 316 YOUTH 
 
 present during my affair with Kolpikdv, handed me my 
 overcoat, and I at once quieted down, simulating, before 
 Dmitri, only just enough anger not to make my sudden 
 calm appear too strange. Next day I met Dubkdv in 
 Volddya's room. We did not mention the affair, but 
 spoke " you " to each other, and it became even harder for 
 us to look into each other's eyes. 
 
 The memory of my quarrel with Kolpikdv, who gave 
 me de ses nouvelles neither on the following day, nor later, 
 was for many years terribly vivid and oppressive to me. 
 I shuddered and shrieked for five years to come every 
 time I thought of the unavenged insult, but consoled 
 myself whenever I recalled with self-satisfaction how 
 bravely I had conducted myself in my affair with Dub- 
 kov. It was not until much later that I began to look in 
 an entirely different way upon this matter, and with 
 comical pleasure to recall my quarrel with Kolpikdv, and 
 to regret the undeserved insult which I had offered the 
 good fellow Dubkov. 
 
 When, that very evening, I told Dmitri of the episode 
 with Kolpik6v, whose appearance I described to him in 
 detail, he was greatly surprised. 
 
 " Yes, it is the same man ! " he said. " Think of it ! 
 this Kolpikdv is a well-known scoundrel and gambler, 
 but, above all, a coward, who was kicked out of the army 
 by his friends, for having received a box on his ears and 
 refusing to fight for it. Where did he get that boldness 
 from ? " he added, looking at me with a kindly smile. 
 " He did not call you anything else but ' boor ' ? " 
 
 " No," I answered, blushing. 
 
 " It is not good, but it is no great misfortune ! " Dmitri 
 consoled me. 
 
 Not until much later in my life, when I was able to 
 reflect upon this matter calmly, did I make the very 
 plausible suggestion that Kolpikov had at last felt, after 
 many years, that it was safe to attack me, and so he
 
 THE QUARREL 317 
 
 avenged upon me, in the presence of his friend without 
 the moustaches, the box on his ears which he had once 
 received, just as I had avenged his "boor" on innocent 
 Dubkdv.
 
 XYIL 
 
 I AM GETTING READY TO MAKE CALLS 
 
 When I awoke the next morning, my first thought was 
 of the incident with Kolpik6v. I growled again and ran 
 up and down my room, but there was nothing to be done ; 
 besides, it was the last day I was to pass in Moscow, and, 
 according to papa's order, I had to make the calls which 
 he had written out for me on a piece of paper. Papa's 
 care of us consisted not so much in morality and educa- 
 tion as in the worldly relations. On the paper was 
 written, in his broken, rapid handwriting: "1, on Prince 
 Iv^n Ivdnovich, by all means ; 2, on the Ivins, by all 
 means ; 3, on Prince Mikhdylo ; 4, on Princess Nekhlyu- 
 dov and Princess Valakhin, if you have time." And, of 
 course, on the curator, the rector, and the professors. 
 
 Dmitri dissuaded me from making the last visits, saying 
 that it was not only unnecessary, but even improper ; but 
 on the rest I had to call by all means on that day. The 
 first two visits, after which was written " by all means," 
 frightened me more especially. Prince Ivan Ivfoovich 
 was general-in-chief, old, rich, and unmarried ; conse- 
 quently I, a sixteen-year-old student, should have to 
 meet him personally, which, I surmised, could not be 
 flattering for me. The Ivins also were rich, and their 
 father was some kind of an important general in the civil 
 service, who had called upon us, during grandmother's 
 lifetime, but once. After grandmother's death, I noticed 
 that the youngest Ivin kept aloof from us, and put on 
 
 318
 
 I AM GETTING READY TO MAKE CALLS 319 
 
 airs. The eldest Ivin, so I heard, had finished his course 
 of jurisprudence, and was serving somewhere in St. 
 Petersburg ; the second, Sergy^y, whom I had worshipped 
 once, was also in St. Petersburg, a big, fat cadet in the 
 Corps of the Pages. 
 
 In my youth I not only did not hke any relations with 
 people who considered themselves higher than I, but such 
 relations were unbearably painful to me, on account of 
 my continuous fear of insult, and of my exertion of all 
 my mental powers, in order to prove to them my inde- 
 pendence. But, since I was not going to fulfil papa's 
 order in regard to the last point, I had to extenuate my 
 guilt by calling on the others. I walked to and fro in 
 my room, examining my clothes, which were laid out on 
 chairs, and my sword and hat, and was getting ready to 
 go, when old Grap arrived with Ilinka to congratulate 
 me. Father Grap was a Eussified German, unbearably 
 repulsive, fawning, and very often intoxicated. He used 
 to call only when he wanted to ask for something, and 
 papa sometimes took him to his cabinet, but he never 
 was invited to dinner with us. His humility and beggary 
 were so welded with a certain external kindliness and 
 attachment for our house, that all accounted his apparent 
 loyalty to us as a great credit to him, but I could not 
 make myself like the man, and whenever he spoke I felt 
 ashamed for him. 
 
 I was very much dissatisfied with the arrival of these 
 guests, and did not attempt to conceal my dissatisfaction. 
 I had grown, Hke the rest, to look at Ilinka from on high, 
 and he had accustomed himself to consider us right in 
 doing so, which made it rather unpleasant for me, when I 
 saw him just such a student as myself. It seemed to 
 me that he, too, had some scruples in my presence on 
 account of this equality. I greeted him coldly and did 
 not ask either him or his father to be seated, feeling rather 
 awkward about inviting them to do what they might
 
 320 YOUTH 
 
 do without my invitation, and ordered up the carriage. 
 Ilinka was a good, scrupulously honest, and very clever 
 young man, but he was what is called a cranky fellow ; 
 he used to be continually overcome, and apparently with- 
 out any cause, by some extreme moods : he either grew 
 lackadaisical, or sarcastic, or peevish, for the merest trifle ; 
 even now, he was in the last frame of mind. He said noth- 
 ing, maliciously looked at me and at his father, and only, 
 when addressed, smiled his submissive, forced smile, 
 under which he was in the habit of concealing all his 
 feelings, but especially the feeling of shame for his father, 
 which he could not help experiencing before us. 
 
 " Yes, sir, Nikolay Petrovich," said the old man to me, 
 following me all over the room while I was dressing, and 
 reverentially fingering a silver snuff-box which grandmother 
 had presented to him. " The moment I found out from 
 my son that you had passed your examinations so excel- 
 lently, — everybody knows what a mind you have, — I 
 at once hastened to congratulate you, my friend. I used 
 to carry you on my shoulders, you know, and God knows 
 that I love you all like my own family, and Ilinka asked 
 me to take him to you. He, too, is used to you." 
 
 Ilinka sat all that time silent at the window, ostensibly 
 examining my cocked hat, and just audibly muttering 
 something to himself. 
 
 " Well, I wanted to ask you, Nikolay Petrovich," con- 
 tinued the old man, " whether my Ilinka passed good 
 examinations. He told me he would be with you, so do 
 not abandon him. Look after him, and advise him." 
 
 " Yes, he passed excellently," I answered, looking at 
 Ilinka, who felt my glance resting upon him, and blushed, 
 and ceased to move his Hps. 
 
 " And may one pass the day with you ? " said the old 
 man, with a timid smile, as though he was afraid of me, 
 and keeping so close to me, wherever I moved, that the 
 odour of liquor and tobacco, with which he was saturated.
 
 I AM GETTING READY TO MAKE CALLS 321 
 
 did not leave me for a second. I was angry, because he 
 placed me in such a false position in regard to his son, 
 and because he distracted my attention from an exceed- 
 ingly important occupation, that of dressing; but, in 
 particular, that odour of brandy so pursued me that I 
 was all put out, and I told him coldly that I could not 
 be with Ilinka, as I should not be at home all day. 
 
 " Father, you wanted to go to sister," said Ilinka, smil- 
 ing, and not looking at me, " and I have some business, 
 too." 
 
 I felt even more annoyed and ashamed, and, to soften 
 my refusal, hastened to add that I should not be at home, 
 because I had to be at the house of Prince Ivdn Iv^novich, 
 of Princess Kornakov, of Ivin, the one who occupied such 
 a distinguished place, and that I should, no doubt, dine 
 with Princess Nekhlyiidov. I thought that they would 
 not have any cause for annoyance, if they knew on what 
 distinguished people I was going to call. When they 
 got ready to go, I invited Ilinka to come to see me some 
 other time ; but Ilinka only muttered something and 
 smiled with a forced expression. I could see that he 
 would never again set foot in my room. 
 
 I soon after drove out to make my calls. Volddya, 
 whom I had asked early in the morning to go with me, 
 in order that I might not feel so awkward, had refused, 
 under the pretext that it would be too sentimental an 
 affair for two brothers to travel together in one small 
 vehicle.
 
 XVIIL 
 
 THE VALXkHINS 
 
 And so I drove out myself. The first visit, in order of 
 location, was at the house of the Valakhins, on Sivtsov 
 Vrazhok. I had not seen Sdnichka for three years, and 
 my love for her had, naturally, passed away long ago, but 
 in my soul was left a vivid and touching memory of my 
 childish love. During those three years I had sometimes 
 thought of her so clearly and with such strength of feel- 
 ing, that I had shed tears and felt myself again in love, 
 but such a mood lasted only a few minutes, and did not 
 soon return. 
 
 I knew that Sonichka had been abroad with her 
 mother, where they remained two years or more, and 
 where, so I was told, they had had an accident in a stage- 
 coach, during which Sonichka's face was all cut up by the 
 broken glass of the coach, whereby she had lost her good 
 looks. On my way to their house I vividly recalled 
 Sdnichka of old, and wondered how I should find her 
 now. On account of her two years' sojourn abroad, I 
 somehow imagined her to have grown exceedingly tall, 
 with a beautiful figure, serious and majestic, but unusually 
 attractive. My imagination refused to represent her with 
 a face disfigured by scars ; on the contrary, having heard 
 somewhere of a passionate lover who had remained true 
 to the object of his love, in spite of her disfiguring pock- 
 marks, I endeavoured to think that I was in love with 
 Sdnichka, in order to have the merit of remaining true to 
 
 322
 
 THE VALAKUINS 323 
 
 her, in spite of her scars. In truth, I was not in love 
 when I approached the house of the Valakhins, but, all 
 my former memories of love having been agitated, I was 
 well prepared to fall in love, and I desired it, especially, 
 since I felt ashamed of being the only one among all 
 my friends, who was not in love. 
 
 The Valakhins hved in a small, neat frame house, with 
 an entrance from the courtyard. Upon ringing the bell, 
 which was at that time a great rarity in Moscow, the 
 door was opened by a tiny, neatly dressed boy. He either 
 did not know, or did not wish to tell me, whether the 
 family was at home, and, leaving me in the dark ante- 
 chamber, ran away into a still darker corridor. 
 
 I was left quite awhile alone in that dark room, from 
 which, in addition to the entrance and the corridor, there 
 was another closed door, and I partly marvelled at the 
 gloomy character of the house, and partly supposed that 
 it was the proper thing with people who had been abroad. 
 About five minutes later, the door into the parlour was 
 opened from within by the same boy, and he led me to a 
 tidy, but not richly furnished, sitting-room, into which 
 Sdnichka entered right after me. 
 
 She was seventeen years old. She was very small of 
 stature and very thin, and the colour of her face was 
 sallow and unhealthy. No scars were to be noticed on 
 her face, but the exquisite bulging eyes, and the bright, 
 kindly, happy smile were the same that I had known and 
 loved in my childhood. I had not expected her to be 
 like this, and so was not able at once to pour out upon 
 her all the feeling which I had prepared on my way up. 
 She gave me her hand, frankly shook mine in the English 
 fashion, which was then quite as rare a thing as the bell, 
 and made me sit down near her upon the sofa. 
 
 " Oh, how glad I am to see you, dear Nicolas," she 
 said, looking straight into my face with such a sincere 
 expression on her coimtenance that I heard in the words
 
 324 YOUTH 
 
 " dear Nicolas " a friendly, and not a condescending tone. 
 To my astonishment, she was, after her journey abroad, 
 even simpler, lovelier, and more famihar in her address 
 than before. I noticed two small scars near the nose 
 and upon an eyebrow, but her wonderful eyes and smile 
 talhed with my recollections, and sparkled as of old. 
 
 " How you have changed ! " she said. " You are a 
 big man now ! And I, how do you find me ? " 
 
 "Ah, I should not have recognized you," I answered, 
 though I was all the time thinking that I should have 
 known her. I again felt myself in that careless, happy 
 frame of mind in which, five years before, I had danced 
 the " grandfather " with her at grandmother's ball. 
 
 " Well, have I grown much homelier ? " she asked me, 
 shaking her little head. 
 
 " No, not at all ! You have grown a httle taller, are 
 older," I hastened to answer, "but, on the contrary — I 
 even — " 
 
 " Oh, well, it makes no difference. And do you 
 remember our dances and games, and St. J^rSme, and 
 Madame Dorat ? " (I did not remember any Madame Dorat ; 
 she was evidently carried away by the pleasure of childish 
 reminiscences, and mixed them up.) " Oh, it was such a 
 glorious time!" she continued, and the same smile, no, 
 a smile even better than the one I had retained in my 
 memory, and the same eyes sparkled before me. While 
 she was speaking I had time to consider the situation in 
 which I found myself, and I concluded that just then 
 I was in love. The moment I had decided this, my 
 happy and careless mood left me, a mist covered all that 
 was before me, — even her eyes and smile ; I was 
 ashamed of something, I blushed, and lost my ability to 
 speak. 
 
 " These are different times now," she continued, sighing 
 and lightly raising her brows. " Everything is worse 
 now, and we are worse, is it not so, Nicolas ? "
 
 THE VALAKHINS 325 
 
 I could not answer, and looked at her in silence. 
 
 " Where are now all those Ivins and Korn^kovs of 
 those days ? Do you remember them ? " she continued, 
 with some curiosity gazing at my blushing and frightened 
 face. " It was a glorious time ! " 
 
 And stni I could not answer. 
 
 I was for a time brought out of my state of oppression 
 by the arrival of Madame Valakhin. I rose and bowed, 
 and regained my ability to speak ; on the other hand, a 
 strange change took place in Sonichka with the appear- 
 ance of her mother. All her merriment and familiarity 
 suddenly disappeared, even her smile was different, and, 
 except for her stature, she became the young lady from 
 abroad, that I had imagined I should find. It seemed 
 that the change had no cause, because her mother smiled 
 just as pleasantly, and in all her movements expressed 
 the same meekness as of old. Madame Valakhin seated 
 herself in an armchair, and pointed out to me a place 
 near her. She said something to her daughter in English, 
 and Sonichka went out, which gave me still further 
 relief. 
 
 Madame Valakhin asked me about my family, about my 
 brother and father, then told me of her bereavement, — 
 the loss of her husband, — and finally, feeling that there 
 was nothing left to talk about, looked at me in silence, as 
 much as to say : " If you will get up, and bow, and leave, 
 you will be doing very well, my dear ! " but a strange thing 
 happened. Sonichka had returned to the room with some 
 handiwork, and had seated herself in the other corner, so 
 that I felt her glances upon me. While Madame Vala- 
 khin was telling me about the loss of her husband, I once 
 more recalled that I was in love, and I thought that the 
 mother must have guessed it, and was again overcome by 
 a fit of bashfulness, which was so strong that I felt myself 
 unable to move a hmb in a natural manner. I knew 
 that in order to rise and leave, I should have to think of
 
 326 YOUTH 
 
 how to place my leg, what to do with my head, and what 
 with my hand, — in short, I felt almost the same sensa- 
 tion as the evening before, when I had drunk half a bottle 
 of champagne, I felt that I should not be able to manage 
 it all, and consequently should not be able to rise, and I 
 really could not rise. Madame VaMkhin must have won- 
 dered when she saw my face as red as a lobster, and my 
 complete immobility, but I decided that it was safer to 
 stay in that stupid pose than to risk getting up and going 
 in an awkward manner. 
 
 And thus I sat for quite awhile, hoping that some 
 unforeseen accident would help me out of this predica- 
 ment. This accident presented itself in the shape of an 
 insignificant young man, who entered the room with the 
 manner of a familiar acquaintance, and poUtely bowed to 
 me. Madame Valdkhin rose, excusing herself on the 
 ground that she had to speak to her business manager, 
 and looked at me with a perplexed expression, which 
 said, " If you wish to stay here all the time, I shall not 
 drive you away." Exerting a terrible effort over myself, 
 I rose, but was not able to bow, and, starting to leave, 
 accompanied by looks of sympathy from mother and 
 daughter, caught my foot in a chair which was not at 
 all in my way. I did so because all my attention was 
 directed to not catching my foot in the carpet over which 
 I was walking. In the open air, where I tossed about 
 and moaned so loud that Kuzm^ several times asked me 
 what I wished, this feeling disappeared, and I began 
 calmly to reflect over my love for S6nichka, and over her 
 relations to her mother, which seemed strange to me. 
 When I later told father that Madame VaMkhin and her 
 daughter were not on good terms, he said : 
 
 " Yes, she torments the poor girl with her dreadful 
 stinginess, and that is strange," he added, with a feeling 
 which was stronger than what he could have for a mere 
 relative, " for she used to be such a dear, charming woman.
 
 THE VALAKHINS 327 
 
 I cannot understand what made her change so. Did you 
 not see in her house some kind of a secretary ? What 
 business has a Eussian lady to keep a secretary ? " he 
 said, angrily walking away from me. 
 
 " Yes, I did," I answered. 
 
 " Is he, at least, good-looking ? " 
 
 " No, not at all." 
 
 " Incomprehensible," said papa, angrily jerking his 
 shoulder, and coughing. 
 
 " So I am in love," I thought, riding in my vehicle.
 
 XIX. 
 
 THE KORNAKOVS 
 
 The second visit in my round of calls was at the house 
 of the Korndkovs. They were living in the second floor 
 of a large house in the Arb^t. The staircase was exceed- 
 ingly fine and neat, but not magnificent. A canvas stair- 
 carpet was held in place by shining brass rods, but there 
 were no flowers, and no mirrors. The parlour, through 
 which I passed over a brilhantly polished floor into the 
 sitting-room, was furnished just as severely, coldly, and 
 neatly ; everything shone and was solid, if not entirely 
 new; but neither pictures, nor curtains, nor any other 
 ornaments were to be seen. There were several piincesses 
 in the sitting-room. They all sat so correctly and so 
 stolidly that it was quite apparent they sat differently 
 when there were no guests. 
 
 " Mamma will be here soon," said the oldest of them, 
 seating herself near me. This princess entertained me 
 for fifteen minutes, speaking so freely and cleverly that the 
 conversation did not lag for a second ; but it was too 
 obvious she was entertaining, and so I did not hke her. 
 She told me, among other things, that her brother Step^n, 
 whom they called Etienne, and who had entered the 
 School of Cadets two years ago, had been promoted to 
 the rank of officer. When she spoke of her brother, 
 especially of his having entered a regiment of hussars 
 against his mother's will, she looked frightened, and all 
 
 328
 
 THE KORNAKOVS 329 
 
 the younger princesses, who sat in silence, also looked 
 frightened ; when she spoke of grandmother's death, she 
 looked sad, and all the younger princesses looked hkewise ; 
 when she recalled how I struck St. J^rSme, and was led 
 out of the room, she laughed and showed her bad teeth, 
 and all the princesses laughed and showed their bad 
 teeth. 
 
 Their mother entered, — the same little, wizened woman 
 with the same wandering eyes and the same habit of 
 looking at others while speaking to you. She took my 
 hand, and raised her own to my lips for me to kiss, which 
 I should not have done otherwise, as I did not consider 
 it necessary. 
 
 " How glad I am to see you ! " she spoke with her usual 
 volubility, glancing at her daughters. " Oh, how he 
 resembles his mamma ! Don't you think so, Lise ? " 
 
 Lise said that it was so, although I am quite sure that 
 there was not the faintest resemblance to my mother. 
 
 " So there you are, a big man ! You know, my Etienne, 
 he is your cousin twice removed — no, not twice removed, 
 — how is it, Lise ? My mother was Varvara Dmitrievna, 
 the daughter of Dmitri Nikolaevich, and your grandmother 
 was Natalya Nikolaevna." 
 
 " That makes it three times removed," said the eldest 
 princess. 
 
 " Oh, you are getting everything mixed," her mother 
 cried to her, angrily ; " not at all thrice removed, but issus 
 de germains, — that's what you are with Etienne. He is an 
 officer now, do you know ? Only it is not good for him 
 to have his freedom so soon. You young people ought 
 to be kept in strong hands, like this ! You are not angry 
 with your old aunt for telHng you the truth ? I kept 
 Etienne with severity, and I find that it is the right 
 way." 
 
 " Yes, that is how we are related," she continued. 
 " Prince Ivan Ivanovich is my uncle, and was your
 
 330 YOUTH 
 
 mother's uncle. Consequently your mamma and I were 
 first cousins — no, twice removed, yes, that's it. Well, tell 
 me : have you, my friend, called on Prince Ivan ? " 
 
 I said I had not, but that I should that very day. 
 
 " Oh, how can you ? " she cried. " You ought to have 
 made your first visit to him. You know that Prince Ivdn 
 is just hke a father to you. He has no children, conse- 
 quently you and my children are his only heirs. You 
 must honour him according to his years and position in 
 the world, and everything. I know, you young people 
 in these years no longer count your family ties, and do . 
 not like old men ; but you hear what your old aunt is 
 telling you, because she loves you, and she loved your 
 mamma, and also loved and respected your grandmother 
 very much. Do go there by all means, by all means go 
 there!" 
 
 I told her I would by all means, and as the visit had, 
 in my opinion, lasted long enough, I rose and wanted to 
 leave, but she held me back. 
 
 " No, wait a minute. Where is your father, Lise ? Call 
 him in. He will be so happy to see you," she continued, 
 turning to me. About two minutes later Prince Mikhdylo 
 entered. He was a thickset gentleman, very untidily 
 dressed, badly shaven, and with such an indifferent expres- 
 sion on his face that it looked stupid. He was not at all 
 glad to see me, at least he did not say so ; but the prin- 
 cess, whom he evidently feared very much, said to him : 
 
 " Am I not right ? V61demar " (she had obviously for- 
 gotten my name) " resembles his mamma ! " and she winked 
 in such a way that the prince, guessing what she was 
 after, walked up to me, and, with an impassive and even 
 dissatisfied expression on his face, offered me his imshaven 
 cheek for a kiss. 
 
 " You are not yet dressed, and you have to drive out," 
 said the princess immediately after, in a tone which, no 
 doubt, was her usual one in relation to the people of the
 
 THE KORNAKOVS 331 
 
 house. " You want to provoke them again, to make them 
 angry." 
 
 " Directly, directly, my dear," said Prince Mikh^ylo, 
 going out. I bowed and left. 
 
 I heard for the first time that we were heirs of Prince 
 Ivdu Ivdnovich, and that gave me an unpleasant sensa- 
 tion.
 
 XX. 
 
 THE fviNS 
 
 The impending obligatory visit weighed even more 
 heavily on my mind. But before calling on the prince, 
 my way lay past the Ivins. They were living in Tver 
 Street, in an immense, beautiful house. I walked, not 
 without fear, up the parade entrance, where a porter stood 
 with a staff. 
 
 I asked him whether they were at home. 
 
 " Whom do you wish ? The general's son is at home," 
 said the porter to me. 
 
 " And the general himself ? " I asked, courageously. 
 
 " I shall have to announce you. What shall I say ? " 
 said the porter and rang the bell. A lackey's feet in half- 
 boots appeared on the staircase. I was so intimidated, 
 without knowing why, that I told the lackey not to 
 announce me to the general, that I should go first to see 
 the general's son. As I walked up this large staircase, it 
 seemed to me that I had become dreadfully small, not in 
 the transferred, but in the real, sense of the word. I had 
 experienced the same feeling as my vehicle drove up to 
 the great entrance : it appeared to me that the vehicle, the 
 horse, and the coachman had all become small. The gen- 
 eral's son was lying on a divan, with an open book before 
 him, and asleep, when I entered the room. His tutor. 
 Frost, who was still staying in their house, walked in 
 behind me with his smart gait, and woke up his charge. 
 Ivin did not express any especial pleasure at seeing me, 
 
 332
 
 'r'ff':-^^':^,m.'/-'A-m: 

 
 XX. 
 
 THE fviNB 
 
 n pending obligatory visit weighed even more 
 
 my mind. But befort' calling on the prince, 
 
 ij lay past the Ivius. They veer- living in Tver 
 
 ., in an 'inrmnse, beautiful house, ! walked, not 
 
 A iiout fear, u 'e entrance, where a fKHter stood 
 
 \viT;; a staff. 
 
 1 asked hii they were at home. 
 
 ' '<"'-- i > II*. -neral's son is at home," 
 
 ..;... f ?' 1 uoked, courageously. 
 
 ! ^htii: " vou. What ~hn\] T v>t ■"' 
 
 I he portr-' 
 
 •I J.-J ^^ iiist to tjoe 
 
 I his large staircase, it 
 
 eadfully small, not in 
 
 " the word. I had 
 
 hide drovp up to 
 
 .; that the vehicle, th«- 
 
 •me small. The gen- 
 
 1 an open book before 
 
 iiiL-reu che room. His tut\»r. 
 
 f if. th-^ir h.oupe walked i> 
 
 Portrait of Tolstoy at the Age of 20 
 
 Photogravure from Daguerreotype taken in 1848
 
 THE fviNS 333 
 
 and I noticed that he looked at my eyebrows while speak- 
 ing to me. Although he was very civil, it seemed to me 
 that he was entertaining me, like the princess, that he did 
 not feel himself particularly attracted to me, and that he 
 had no need of my acquaintance, since he certainly had a 
 different, his own, circle of friends. All this I concluded 
 from the fact that he gazed at my eyebrows. In short, 
 his relations with me were, however much it hurt me to 
 acknowledge it, very nearly the same as mine with Ilinka. 
 I was becoming irritated, caught every glance of Ivin's on 
 the wing, and when his eyes met those of Frost, I trans- 
 lated it by the question : " Why did he call on us any- 
 way ? " 
 
 Having conversed with me awhile, Ivin said that his 
 parents were at home, and asked me whether I should not 
 like to go down with him to see them. 
 
 " I shall be dressed at once," he added, as he left the 
 room, though he was well dressed as it was, — in a new 
 coat and white vest. A few minutes later he came out in 
 his uniform, all buttoned up, and we walked down together. 
 The gala rooms through which we passed were exceed- 
 ingly large, high, and, I think, luxuriously appointed, 
 for there was something of marble, of gold, of muslin- 
 wrapped objects, of mirrors. Madame Ivin entered 
 through another door into a small room behind the sitting- 
 room, at the same time with us. She received me in a 
 friendly and familiar manner, seated me near her, and 
 sympathetically asked me about our whole family. 
 
 Madame Ivin, whom I had seen in passing two or three 
 times before, and whom I now watched attentively, pleased 
 me very much. She was tall, thin, very white, and seemed 
 to be continually sad and emaciated. Her smile was sad, 
 but exceedingly kind, her eyes large, tired, and slightly 
 squinting, which gave her a still sadder and more attract- 
 ive aspect. She sat, not bending over, but somehow 
 flagging all her body, and all her movements were droop-
 
 334 YOUTH 
 
 ing. She spoke indolently, but the sound of her voice and 
 her enunciation, with the indistinct .utterance of r and 1, 
 were agreeable. She did not entertain me. My answers 
 relative to my family obviously afforded her a melancholy 
 interest, as though, hearing me, she sadly recalled better 
 times. Her son had gone out somewhere ; she silently 
 looked at me for about two minutes, and suddenly burst 
 into tears. I was sitting in front of her and could not 
 think what to say or do. She continued to weep, without 
 looking at me. At first I was sorry for her, then I thought : 
 " Had I not better console her, and how is it to be done ? " 
 and finally I was angry, because she had placed me in such 
 an uncomfortable situation. " Is it possible I have so 
 piteous an appearance ? " I thought, " or is she doing it on 
 purpose, to find out what I will do under the circum- 
 stances ? " 
 
 " It would be improper for me to leave now, as though 
 I were running away from her tears," I continued to 
 think. I moved in my chair, at least to remind her of 
 my presence. 
 
 " Oh, how foolish I am ! " she said, looking at me, and 
 trying to smile. " There are days when I weep without 
 any cause." 
 
 She was looking for the handkerchief near her on the 
 sofa, and suddenly burst into more iatense weeping. 
 
 " O Lord, how ridiculous it is that I should cry all the 
 time. I loved your mother so, we were so friendly — 
 were — and — " 
 
 She found her handkerchief, covered her face with it 
 and continued to weep. I was again in an awkward 
 predicament, and it lasted quite awhile. I was both 
 annoyed, and very sorry for her. Her tears seemed to be 
 sincere, and I thought that she was not weeping so much 
 for my mother, as because she was not happy now, but 
 had been much happier in those days. I do not know 
 how it would all have ended if young Ivin had not come
 
 THE IVINS 335 
 
 in and said that father Ivin wanted to see her. She rose, 
 and was about to leave, when Ivin himself entered. He 
 was a short, strongly built, gray-haired old gentleman, 
 with thick black eyebrows, entirely gray, closely cropped 
 hair, and a very austere and firm expression of the mouth. 
 
 I rose and bowed to him, but Ivin, who had three 
 decorations on his green dress coat, not only did not 
 answer my salutation, but hardly looked at me, so that 
 I suddenly felt that I was not a man, but some worth- 
 less thing, — a chair or window or, if a man, then such as 
 does not in any way differ from a chair or window. 
 
 " My dear, you have not written yet to the countess," 
 he said to his wife in French, with a passionless, though 
 firm expression. 
 
 " Good-bye, M. Irteneff," Madame Ivin said to me, 
 suddenly nodding her head haughtily and, like her son, 
 looking at my eyebrows. I bowed once more to her 
 and to her husband, and again my salutation had an 
 effect as if a window had been opened or closed. Student 
 Ivin, however, took me to the door and told me on the 
 way that he should attend the St. Petersburg University 
 after that, because his father had received a place there, 
 mentioning some very important office. 
 
 " Well, whatever papa may say," I muttered to my- 
 self, seating myself in the vehicle, " my foot shall never 
 cross their threshold again. That blubberer cries, look- 
 ing at me as though I were some ill-omened person, and 
 Ivin is a swine that does not greet one. I'll give it to 
 him ! " I did not have the least idea how I was going 
 to give it to him, though the remark seemed appropriate 
 enough. 
 
 I had later to listen often to father's persuasive advice 
 that I ought to cultivate that acquaintance, saying that 1 
 could not expect a man in his position to occupy himself 
 with such a boy as I was ; but I stood my ground for a 
 long time.
 
 XXL 
 
 PRINCE IVAN IVANOVICH 
 
 " Now, the last visit in Nikitskaya Street," I said to 
 Kuzmd, and we drove to the house of Prince Ivan Tvdn- 
 ovich. 
 
 After passing through several ordeals of visiting, I 
 generally gained self-confidence, and so even now drove 
 up to the prince's with a sufficiently calm spirit, when 
 I suddenly recalled the words of Madame Kornakov that 
 I was an heir ; in addition, I noticed two carriages at the 
 entrance, and my former shyness came over me. 
 
 It seemed to me that the old porter, who opened the 
 door for me, and the lackey, who took off my overcoat, 
 and the three ladies and two gentlemen, whom I found 
 in the sitting-room, and especially Prince Ivan Ivanovich 
 himself, who sat on a sofa in citizen's clothes, — it 
 seemed to me that all these were looking at me as 
 an heir, and consequently with malevolence. The prince 
 was very gracious to me, kissed me, that is, he applied for 
 a second his soft, dry, and cold lips to my cheek, in- 
 quired about my occupations and plans, joked with me, 
 asked me whether I still was writing verses such as I had 
 written for grandmother's name-day, and invited me to 
 dine with him that very day. But the more he was 
 gracious, the more it appeared to me that he wanted to 
 treat me kindly only to avoid showing how displeased 
 he was with the idea that I was his heir. He had 
 
 3.30
 
 PRINCE IVAN IVANOVICII 337 
 
 a habit, caused by the false teeth of which liis mouth was 
 full, of raising his upper lip every time he said some- 
 thing, and drawing it into his nostrils, and as he was 
 doing so now, I imagined lie said to himself : " Boy, boy, 
 1 know without you tliat you are an heir," and so forth. 
 
 When we were small we used to call Prince Ivan 
 Ivdnovich grandfather ; but now, in my capacity of heir, 
 my tongue refused to roll out " grandfather," and to say 
 " Your Highness," as one of the gentlemen present said, 
 seemed humiliating to me, so that I tried during my 
 whole conversation not to address him directly. But 
 more than anything I was put out by the old princess, 
 who was also an heir of the prince, and who was living 
 in his house. During the whole dinner, when I sat by 
 the side of the princess, I surmised that she did not 
 speak to me because she hated me for being just such an 
 heir as she, and that the prince paid no attention to our 
 side of the table, because we, the princess and I, were 
 heirs and, consequently, equally detestable to him. 
 
 " Yes, you will not believe me how uncomfortable I 
 was," I said that very evening to Dmitri, trying to brag 
 of my feeling of disgust at the thought that I was an 
 heir (I considered it a fine feeling), " how uncomfortable 
 I was the two hours I passed with the prince. He is 
 a fine fellow, and was very gracious to me," I said, trying, 
 in reality, to impress my friend with the fact that I was 
 not saying all that because I felt myself humbled by the 
 prince, " but," I continued, " the thought that I might 
 be looked upon like the princess who is living at his 
 house and fawning before him, is a terrible thought. He 
 is a beautiful old man, and exceedingly good and gentle 
 to everybody, yet it was painful to see how he maltreated 
 the princess. That abominable money spoils all relations ! " 
 
 " Do you know, I think it would be best to speak 
 frankly to the prince," I said, " and tell him that I re- 
 spect him as a man, but that I do not think of his
 
 338 YOUTH 
 
 inheritance, and ask him not to leave me anything, and 
 that only under such conditions would I visit him." 
 
 Dmitri did not laugh when I told him this, but, on 
 the contrary, fell to musing and, after a few moments' 
 silence, said to me: 
 
 " Do you know, you are wrong. Either you have no 
 business to surmise that they are thinking of you in 
 the same way as of that princess of yours, or, if you do 
 surmise it, you must go farther and surmise that you 
 know what they might think of you, but that these 
 thoughts are so far from you that you despise them and 
 will do nothing on their basis. You must surmise that 
 they are surmising that you are surmising it — but, in 
 short," he added, feeling that he was getting snarled up 
 in his consideration, " it will be best not to surmise it 
 at all." 
 
 My friend was quite right. Much, much later I con- 
 vinced myself from the experiences of my life that it was 
 harmful to think, and still more harmful to express much 
 that looks very noble but ought to be for ever concealed 
 from all in the heart of every man, and that noble words 
 rarely harmonize with noble deeds. I am convinced that 
 when a good intention has been uttered, it is hard, and 
 more often impossible, to carry out that good intention. 
 But how is one to abstain from uttering the noble, self- 
 satisfied impulses of youth ? Only much later one thinks 
 of them and regrets them as a flower which one impa- 
 tiently plucked before it was unfolded and then saw 
 withered and crushed upon the ground. 
 
 Though I had just told Dmitri, my friend, that money 
 spoiled all relations, I discovered the next morning, before 
 our departure into the country, that I had squandered all 
 my money on all kinds of pictures and Turkish pipes, and 
 so borrowed of him for the journey twenty roubles, which 
 he had ofifered me, and which I did not pay back to him 
 for a long time.
 
 XXII. 
 
 A CONFIDENTIAL TALK WITH MY FRIEND 
 
 This talk of ours took place in the phaeton on the road 
 to Kuntsovo. Dmitri dissuaded me from calling upon his 
 mother in the morning, but came for me after dinner, in 
 order to take me for the whole evening, even overnight, 
 to the summer residence, where his family was staying. 
 Only after we left the city behind us, and the muddy and 
 motley streets and unbearable deafening noise of the pave- 
 ment gave way to the broad view of the fields and the soft 
 rumbhng of the wheels on the dusty road, and the fragrant 
 vernal air and broad expanse surrounded me on all sides, — 
 only then I recovered from the manifold new impressions 
 and from the consciousness of freedom which had com- 
 pletely entangled me in the last two days. Dmitri was 
 communicative and meek, did not rearrange his necktie 
 with his head, nor wink and blink nervously. I was sat- 
 isfied with those noble sentiments which I had expressed 
 to him, and supposed that for these he condoned my 
 shameful affair with Kolpik6v, and no longer despised me 
 for it. We chatted in a friendly manner about many con- 
 fidential affairs which one does not communicate under all 
 circumstances. Dmitri told me about his family, whom I 
 did not know yet, about his mother, aunt, and sister, and 
 about the one whom Vol6dya and Dubkdv regarded as his 
 passion and called " red-haired." He spoke of his mother 
 with a certain cold and solemn praise, as if to anticipate 
 any retort upon that subject ; his aunt he mentioned with 
 
 339
 
 340 YOUTH 
 
 enthusiasm, but not without some degree of condescen- 
 sion ; of his sister he spoke very little and as if ashamed 
 to say anything about her ; but of the " red-haired " girl, 
 whose real name was Lyub6v Sergy^evna, and who was 
 an old maid that, standing in some family relation to the 
 Nekhlyudovs, was living at their house, he spoke with 
 animation. 
 
 " Yes, she is a remarkable girl," he said, blushing shame- 
 facedly, but looking more boldly into my eyes. " She is 
 not a young girl, I might even say she is old, and not at 
 all good-looking, but what stupidity and nonsense to love 
 beauty ! I can't understand it, it is so stupid," he said, as 
 though he had just discovered this latest and extraordinary 
 truth, " but such a soul, such a heart and principles — I 
 am sure, you will not find a girl like her in our day." 
 
 I do not know where Dmitri had got his habit of say- 
 ing that everything good was rare in our day. He was 
 fond of repeating this expression, and it somehow fitted 
 him well. 
 
 " Only I am afraid," he continued, calmly, after he had 
 in his mind completely demolished all people who were so 
 stupid as to love beauty, " I am afraid that you will not 
 understand or appreciate her soon: she is modest, and 
 even retiring, and does not like to show her beautiful and 
 remarkable qualities. Now, mother, who, you will see, is 
 a beautiful and clever woman, has known Lyubov for some 
 years, but is not able and does not want to understand her. 
 Even yesterday — I will tell you why I was out of sorts 
 when you asked me about it. Two days ago Lyubdv Ser- 
 gy^evna wanted me to take her to Iv^n Yakovlevich, — 
 you have, no doubt, heard of Iv^n Yakovlevich, who is 
 supposed to be insane, but in reality is a remarkable man. 
 Lyub6v Sergy^evna is extremely reUgious, I must tell you, 
 and understands Iv^n Yakovlevich thoroughly. She fre- 
 quently goes to see him, to converse with him and to give 
 him money for the poor, which she has earned herself.
 
 A CONFIDENTIAL TALK WITH MY FRIEND 341 
 
 She is a wonderful woman, you will see. Well, so I drove 
 with her to Ivdn Yakovlevich, and I am very grateful to 
 her for having seen this remarkable man. Mother refuses 
 to understand this, and sees nothing but superstition in it. 
 Yesterday this was the cause of my first quarrel with my 
 mother, and it was pretty serious," he concluded, convul- 
 sively jerking his neck, as though in recollection of the 
 feeling which he had experienced during that quarrel. 
 
 " Well, how do you think about it ? That is, when you 
 consider what will come of it — or have you talked with 
 her of what will be, and how your love and friendship will 
 end ? " I asked, wishing to abstract him from his unpleas- 
 ant memory. 
 
 " You ask whether I am thinking of marrying her ? " he 
 asked me, blushing again, but turning boldly around and 
 looking into my face. 
 
 " Well, really," I thought, calming myself, " that's all 
 right, we are grown-up men, — two friends travelling in a 
 phaeton and discussing our future lives. Any outsider 
 would be pleased to hear and see us." 
 
 " Why not ? " he continued, after my affirmative an- 
 swer. "My aim, like that of every sensible man, is to 
 be as happy and as good as possible ; and if she will only 
 consent when I am entirely independent, I shall be hap- 
 pier and better with her than with the greatest beauty in 
 the world." 
 
 While conversing, we did not notice that we had 
 approached Kuntsovo, and that the sky was clouded, and 
 it was getting ready to rain. The sun stood low on our 
 right, over the old trees of the Kuntsovo garden, and half 
 of the brilHant red disk was shrouded by a gray, weakly 
 transparent cloud; from the other half burst forth in 
 sprays the parcelled fiery beams and with striking clear- 
 ness illuminated the old trees of the garden, that stood 
 immovable and cast their thick green tops against the 
 brightly luminous spot of the azure sky. The splendour
 
 342 YOUTH 
 
 and light of this part of the heavens was in sharp contrast 
 to a heavy lilac cloud which hung in front of us over a 
 young birch grove that was visible on the horizon. 
 
 A Httle more to the right could be seen, beyond bushes 
 and trees, the variegated roofs of the cottages, some of 
 which reflected the bright sunbeams, while others assumed 
 the gloomy aspect of the other side of the heavens. At 
 the left, and below us, lay the blue expanse of a motion- 
 less pond, surrounded by pale-green wiUows that were 
 darkly reflected on its dull, seemingly convex surface. 
 Beyond the pond, a blackish fallow field stretched along 
 the incline of a hill, and the straight line of a bright green 
 balk, which cut through it, went away into the distance 
 and was lost in the leaden, threatening horizon. On both 
 sides of the soft road, over which the phaeton swayed in 
 even measure, stood out the green, succulent, tufty rye, 
 which here and there was beginning to form its stalks. 
 The air was perfectly calm, and redolent with freshness ; 
 the verdure of the trees and leaves and rye was motion- 
 less and pure and bright. It seemed as though every 
 blade were living its separate, full and happy life. Near 
 the road I noticed a black footpath, which meandered 
 between the dark-green rye that had risen to one-fourth 
 of its full stature, and this footpath for some reason vividly 
 reminded me of the country, and, through the reminiscence 
 of the country, by some strange association of ideas, 
 brought before me with intense vividness Sdnichka and 
 the fact that I was in love with her. 
 
 In spite of all my friendship for Dmitri and the pleas- 
 ure which his frankness caused me, I did not want to 
 knov/ anything more about his feehngs and intentions in 
 regard to Lyubdv Sergy^evna, but was very anxious to 
 tell him about all my love for S<5nichka, which seemed to 
 me to be a love of a much higher sort. But I could not 
 make up my mind to tell him straight out how good I 
 thought it would be when, having married Sdnichka,
 
 A CONFIDENTIAL TALK WITH xMV Fill END 343 
 
 I should be living in the country, how I should have 
 little children who would crawl on the ground and would 
 call me papa, and how happy I should be when he 
 would come with his wife, Lyubdv Sergy^evna, to see me, 
 in their travelling clothes. Instead of all that I said, 
 pointing to the sun, " Dmitri, see how magnificent ! " 
 
 Dmitri did not say anything to me, being obviously 
 dissatisfied because to his confession, which had, no doubt, 
 cost him an effort, I had answered by directing his atten- 
 tion to Nature, to which he was generally indifferent. 
 Nature affected him quite differently from me : it affected 
 him not so much by its beauty as by its intrinsic interest. 
 He loved it more with his mind than with his feelings. 
 
 " I am very happy," I said to him soon after, without 
 paying any attention to his preoccupation with his own 
 thoughts and to his complete indifference to what I might 
 be telling him. " I have told you, you will remember, of 
 a young lady with whom I was in love when I was a 
 child : I saw her to-day," I continued, enthusiastically, 
 " and now I am in love with her in earnest — " 
 
 And I told him, in spite of the continued expression of 
 indifference upon his face, about my love and about all 
 my plans for future conjugal happiness. And a strange 
 thing happened : the moment I told him in detail of the 
 whole power of my feeling, I began to feel that this feel- 
 ing was diminishing. 
 
 A light rain overtook us after we had entered the birch 
 avenue which led to the summer residence, but we did 
 not get wet. I knew that it was raining because a few 
 drops fell upon my nose and hand, and because something 
 was pattering on the young viscid leaves of the birches 
 which suspended their motionless curly branches and 
 received these pure transparent drops with evident enjoy- 
 ment that expressed itself in the strong odour with which 
 they filled the avenue. We jumped out of the vehicle, in 
 order to run through the garden to the house. At the
 
 344 YOUTH 
 
 very entrance to the house we ran against four ladies who 
 were coming from the other direction with rapid steps, 
 two of them carrying some handiwork, one of them with 
 a book, and another with a lapdog. Dmitri introduced 
 me on the spot to his mother, his sister, his aunt, and 
 Lyubov Sergy^evna. They stopped for a second, but the 
 rain began to fall in earnest. 
 
 " Let us go to the gallery ; there you will introduce him 
 once more," said the one whom I had taken for Dmitri's 
 mother, and we ascended the staircase together with the 
 ladies.
 
 XXIII. 
 
 THE NEKHLYtjDOVS 
 
 In the first moment I was impressed more particularly 
 by Lyub6v Sergy^evna, who, with her lapdog in her 
 hands, walked up the staircase behind the rest, in thick, 
 hand-knit shoes, and who, stopping two or three times, 
 carefully examined me, and every time after that kissed 
 her dog. She was very ill-looking ; red-haired, thin, short, 
 and somewhat misshapen. "What made her homely face 
 still more homely was her odd hair-dressing, with a part- 
 ing on one side (the kind of hair-dressing bald-headed 
 women use). However much I tried to please my friend, 
 I could not find one single beautiful feature in her. Her 
 brown eyes, though they expressed kindliness, were too 
 small and dim, and decidedly homely; even her hands, 
 that characteristic feature, though not large and not badly 
 shaped, were red and rough. 
 
 When I walked up to the terrace after them, all the 
 ladies but Varenka, Dmitri's sister, who only looked atten- 
 tively at me with her large dark gray eyes, said a few 
 words to me, before taking up their work, while Varenka 
 began to read aloud her book, which she held on her 
 knees, marking the place with her finger. 
 
 Princess Marya Ivanovna was a tall, stately woman of 
 about forty years. One might have given her more, if 
 one were to judge by the locks of half-gray hair that 
 frankly stood out from under her cap. But by her fresh, 
 exceedingly tender face, with hardly a wrinkle, and 
 
 345
 
 346 YOUTH 
 
 especially by the lively, merry sparkle of her eyes, she 
 seemed to be much younger. Her eyes were brown and 
 wide open, her lips were rather thin and somewhat severe, 
 her nose fairly regular and slightly to the left, her hands 
 were without rings, large, almost masculine, with beautiful 
 elongated fingers. She wore a dark blue high-cut dress that 
 fitted tightly over her stately, youthful waist, which was 
 evidently her pride. She sat remarkably upright, and 
 was sewing a dress. When I entered the gallery, she 
 took my hand, drew me to her, as if desiring to examine 
 me at close range, and said to me, as she looked at me 
 with the same cold, open glance which Dmitri had, that 
 she had known me for a long time from her son's descrip- 
 tion. She invited me to stay a whole day with her, in 
 order that she might get better acquainted with me. 
 
 " Do anything you may think of, without any regard 
 to us, just as we shall not be inconvenienced by you, — 
 walk around, read, listen, or sleep, if that gives you most 
 pleasure," she added. 
 
 S6fya Ivdnovna was an old maid and a younger sister 
 of the princess, but she looked older. She had that 
 superabundant corpulence which one finds only in short, 
 fat old maids who wear corsets. She looked as though 
 all her vitality had sprouted upward with so much force 
 that it threatened to choke her any minute. Her short 
 fat hands could not unite below the down curve of the 
 band of her waist, and she was not able even to see 
 the tightly laced band itself. 
 
 Though Princess Marya Ivdnovna was black-haired 
 and dark-eyed, and S6fya Ivanovna blonde and with 
 large, vivacious, and at the same time calm, blue eyes 
 (a rare thing indeed), there was a great family resemblance 
 between the sisters : there were the same expression, the 
 same nose, the same lips ; only Sofya Iv^novna's nose 
 and lips were a little thicker and turned to the right 
 when she smiled, while with the princess they turned to
 
 THE NEKHLYUDOVS 347 
 
 the left. S6fya Iv^novna, to judge by her garments aud 
 hair-dressing, endeavoured to appear young, and would 
 not have shown her gray locks, if she had had any. Her 
 glance and her treatment of me at first appeared very 
 liaughty and flurried me, while with the princess, on the 
 contrary, I felt completely at ease. It may be, her stout- 
 ness and a certain resemblance to the picture of Catherine 
 the Great, by which I was struck, gave her in my eyes 
 that haughty mien ; but I was thoroughly frightened 
 when she looked fixedly at me and said, " The friends of 
 our friends are our friends." I calmed down and suddenly 
 changed my opinion of her completely as soon as she grew 
 silent ; after saying these words, she opened her mouth and 
 drew a deep sigh. No doubt her corpulence had induced in 
 her the habit of drawing a deep sigh after every few 
 words, by opening her mouth a little and slightly rolling 
 her large blue eyes. In this habit was somehow ex- 
 pressed such a gentle kindhness that after that sigh I 
 lost my fear of her, and began to like her. Her eyes 
 were charming, her voice melodious and pleasant, and 
 even those very circular lines of her body at that time 
 of my youth did not seem devoid of beauty. 
 
 Lyubdv Sergy^evna, as the friend of my friend, would 
 soon say, I thought, something very friendly and familiar 
 to me, and she, indeed, looked at me for quite awhile in 
 silence, as if undecided whether that which she was going 
 to say to me would not be too familiar ; but she interrupted 
 the silence only to ask me in what Faculty I was. Then 
 she again looked for a long time sharply at me, obviously 
 wavering as to whether she had better speak that intimate 
 word or not, and I, noticing that hesitation in her, begged 
 her by the expression on my face to tell it to me, but 
 she only said, "Nowadays, they say, they do not pay 
 much attention to the sciences in the university," and 
 called up her lap-dog Suzette. 
 
 Lyubov Sergyeevna spoke all that evening mostly in
 
 348 YOUTH 
 
 such phrases, which had nothing to do with the matter 
 in hand, and did not fit each other ; but I had such con- 
 fidence in Dmitri, and he kept on looking all the evening 
 with such anxiety, now at me, and now at her, with an 
 expression which meant, " Well, what do you say ? " that, 
 as is often the case, I was very far from formulating my 
 thought in regard to her, though at heart I was convinced 
 that there was nothing remarkable in Lyub6v Sergy^evna. 
 
 Finally, the last person of that family, Vareuka, was a 
 plump girl sixteen years of age. Nothing but her dark 
 gray eyes, which united merriment and quiet attention, 
 and in expression very much resembled the eyes of her 
 aunt, and a long blond braid, and an extremely tender 
 and beautiful hand, was attractive in her. 
 
 " M. Nicolas, it must be tiresome to you to begin 
 listening in the middle," said Sofya Iv^novna with her 
 kindly sigh, turning the piece of the dress which she was 
 sewing. 
 
 The reading just then stopped, because Dmitri had left 
 the room. 
 
 " Or have you read ' Eob Eoy ' before ? " 
 
 At that time I considered it my duty, because of my 
 student uniform if for no other reason, to answer the 
 simplest question of persons with whom I was little 
 acquainted, in a clever and original manner, and regarded 
 it as shameful to give short, clear answers, such as, " yes," 
 " no," and so forth. Looking at my new fashionable 
 pantaloons and the bright buttons of my coat, I answered 
 that I had not read " Rob Roy," but that I hked very 
 much to hear it read, because I preferred to read books 
 from the middle rather than from the beginning. 
 
 " It is twice as interesting. You can guess what was 
 before, and what will follow after," I added, smiling 
 contentedly. 
 
 The princess laughed, as it seemed to me, unnaturally, 
 but I learned later that she had no other laugh.
 
 THE NEKHLYUDOVS 349 
 
 " It must be the truth," she said. " Well, shall you 
 stay here long, Nicolas ? You will not be offended at 
 our not calling you Monsieur. When do you leave ? " 
 
 " I do not know ; maybe to-morrow, and maybe we 
 shall stay quite awhile yet," I answered for some reason, 
 although I was quite sure we should leave the next day. 
 
 " I wish you would stay, both for your sake and for 
 Dmitri's," the princess remarked, looking somewhere into 
 the distance. " At your years friendship is a glorious 
 thing." 
 
 I felt that all were looking at me and waiting to hear 
 what I should say, though Varenka pretended to be 
 examining the work of her aunt ; I felt that I was, so to 
 speak, being examined, and that I had to show myself 
 from my most advantageous side. 
 
 " Yes, for me," I said, " Dmitri's friendship is useful, 
 but I cannot be useful to him : he is a thousand times 
 better than I." 
 
 Dmitri was not there to hear me, or I should have 
 been afraid of his feeling the insincerity of my words. 
 
 The princess again laughed her unnatural laugh, which 
 was natural to her. 
 
 " Well, hearing him," she said, " c'est vous qui ctes un 
 petit monstre de perfection." 
 
 " Monstre de perfection, — that is excellent, I must re- 
 member it," I thought. 
 
 " However, not to mention you, he himself is a good 
 example of that," she continued, lowering her voice (which 
 was particularly jjleasing to me) and pointing with her 
 eyes to Lyubov Sergy^evna. " He has discovered in poor 
 aunty" (thus they called Lyubov Sergy^evna), "whom I 
 have known these twenty years \\ith her Suzette, perfec- 
 tions which I had never suspected — Varya, tell them to 
 bring me a glass of water," she added, again gazing into 
 the distance, probably considering that it was yet too 
 early, or that I ought not to be initiated at all in their
 
 350 YOUTH 
 
 family relations, " or no, he had better go. He is doing 
 nothing, but you continue to read. Go, my dear, right 
 through the door and, having walked fifteen paces, stop 
 and say in a loud voice, ' Peter, bring Mdrya Ivdnovna a 
 glass of ice-water ! ' " she said to me, and again laughed her 
 unnatural laugh. 
 
 " She, no doubt, wants to say something about me," 
 I thought, leaving the room. "No doubt, she wants 
 to say that she has noticed that I am a very clever 
 young man." I had not yet walked the fifteen paces 
 when stout S6fya Ivdnovna, all out of breath, but walk- 
 ing with rapid and light steps, caught up with me. 
 
 " Merci, mon cher" she said, " I am going there myself, 
 so I shall order it."
 
 XXIV. 
 
 LOVE 
 
 S6fya IvJLnovna, as I found out later, was one of 
 those rare unmarried women who are born for family 
 happiness, but to whom fate has denied that happiness, 
 and who, on account of this denial, suddenly decide to 
 pour out on a few chosen people all that treasure of love 
 which has so long been stored up, and has grown and 
 strengthened in their heart for husband and children. 
 And that treasure is in old maids of this description so 
 inexhaustible that, though there may be many chosen 
 ones, there is stiU left much love, which they pour out 
 on all their neighbours, good and bad people, with whom 
 they happen to come in contact in their lives. 
 
 There are three kinds of love ; 
 
 1. Fair love, 
 
 2. Self-sacrificing love, and 
 
 3. Active love. 
 
 I am not speaking of the love of a yoimg man for 
 a young woman, and vice versa, — I am afraid of these 
 tendernesses. I have been so unhappy in my life that 
 I never have seen in this kind of love one spark of truth, 
 but only a lie in which sentimentality, conjugal relations, 
 money, and the desire to tie or untie one's hands so 
 entangled the sentiment itself that it was impossible 
 to make out anything. I am speaking of the love for 
 man, which, according to the greater or smaller power 
 of the soul, is concentrated on one, on a few, or is poured 
 
 361
 
 352 YOUTH 
 
 out on many, — of the love for a mother, father, brother, 
 for children, for a companion, for a countryman, — of 
 the love for man. 
 
 Fair love consists in love for the beauty of the 
 sentiment and its expression. For people who love 
 thus, the loved object is dear only to the extent to which 
 it evokes that agreeable sensation, the consciousness and 
 expression of which they enjoy. People who love with 
 a fair love, care very little for reciprocation, as being a 
 circumstance that has no effect upon the beauty and 
 pleasurableness of their sentiment. They often change 
 the objects of their love, since their main aim consists 
 only in having the pleasurable sensation of love con- 
 tinually evoked. In order to sustain that pleasurable 
 sensation, they speak in the choicest terms of their love, 
 both to the object of that love, and to all who do not 
 even have any interest in the matter. In our country 
 people of a certain category, who love fairly, not only 
 tell everybody of their love, but invariably tell it in 
 French. It may seem strange and ridiculous, but I 
 am convinced that there have been and still are many 
 people of a certain society, particularly women, whose 
 love for their friends, husbands, and children would be 
 annihilated at once, if they were prohibited from speak- 
 ing of it in French. 
 
 Love of the second kind — self-sacrificing love — con- 
 sists in the love for the process of self-sacrifice in behalf 
 of the beloved object, without any regard to whether the 
 beloved object is to gain or lose anything from these 
 sacrifices. " There is no unpleasantness which I should 
 be unwilling to inflict upon myself, in order to prove my 
 loyalty to the whole world and to him, or to her." That 
 is the formula of the love of this kind. People who love 
 in this manner never believe in reciprocation (for it is 
 more meritorious to sacrifice myself for him who does 
 not understand me), are always sickly, which also in-
 
 LOVE 353 
 
 creases the deserts of sacrifice ; they are generally con- 
 stant, for it would be hard for them to lose the deserts 
 of the sacrifices which they have made for their beloved 
 object ; they are always ready to die, in order to prove 
 to him or her, all their attachment, but despise the petty, 
 commonplace proofs of love, which do not demand any 
 special impulse of self-sacrifice. It is a matter of indiffer- 
 ence to them whether you have eaten or slept restfully, 
 whether you are happy or well, and they will do nothing 
 to afford you these comforts, if these are in their power ; 
 but they are ever ready, if the opportunity offers itself, 
 to face bullets, throw themselves into the water, or into 
 the fire, and to go into consumption from love. Besides 
 this, people who are inclined to a self-sacrificing love are 
 always haughty in their love, exacting, jealous, suspicious, 
 and, oddly enough, wish dangers to the objects of their 
 love, in order to save them from misfortune and to con- 
 sole them, and even vices, in order to mend them. 
 
 You are living alone in the country with your wife, 
 who loves you with self-devotion. You are well and 
 calm, and you have some occupation which you enjoy, — 
 your loving wife is so weak that she cannot busy herself 
 with her house affairs, which are transferred into the 
 hands of servants, nor with her children, who are in 
 the hands of nurses, nor with any other business, which 
 she likes, because she loves nothing but you. She is 
 obviously ill, but, not wishing to grieve you, she does not 
 tell you so ; she obviously suffers ennui, but she is pre- 
 pared to feel all her life ennui for your sake; she is 
 obviously worrying her life away because you so assidu- 
 ously busy yourself with your affairs (whatever they may 
 be, the hunt, books, the estate, service), and she sees that 
 these occupations will be your undoing, — still she is 
 silent, and suffers. But you are ill, and your loving wife 
 forgets her own illness and does not leave your bed, in 
 spite of your entreaties not to worry needlessly ; and you
 
 354 YOUTH 
 
 feel every second her sympathetic glance upon you, which 
 seems to say, " Well, I told you so, but I shall not leave 
 you." In the morning you are feeling a little better, and 
 you go into another room. The room is not heated ; the 
 soup, which alone you are allowed to eat, has not been 
 ordered from the cook ; the medicine has not been sent 
 for ; but your loving wife, emaciated from her nocturnal 
 vigils, is looking with the same expression of sympathy 
 at you, walking on tiptoe, and in a whisper giving her 
 unusual and indistinct orders to the servants. You want 
 to read, — your loving wife tells you, with a sigh, that 
 she knows you will not obey her and will be angry with 
 her, but she is used to it, — that you had better not 
 read; you want to walk up and down the room, — you 
 had better not do that either; you want to talk to your 
 friend who has come to see you, — you had better not. 
 In the night you have a fever again, you want to forget 
 yourself, but your loving wife, thin and wan, now and 
 then sighing, is sitting opposite you in an armchair, in 
 the dim Hght of a night-lamp, and with her faintest motion 
 and her faintest voice provokes in you a feeling of anger 
 and impatience. You have a servant with wli&m you 
 have been living for twenty years, to whom you have 
 become accustomed, who serves you with pleasure and 
 with efficiency, because he has had a good sleep during 
 the day and receives good wages, but she does not let 
 him serve you. She does everything herself with her 
 feeble, unaccustomed fingers, which you cannot help 
 following with repressed anger, when these white fingers 
 try in vain to uncork a bottle, snuff a candle, spill 
 medicine, or cautiously touch you. If you are an im- 
 patient and irascible man, and ask her to leave you, you 
 will, with your unstrung, ailing ears, hear her behind 
 the door, submissively sighing, and weeping, and whisper- 
 ing some nonsense to your valet. Finally, if you have 
 not died, your loving wife, who has not slept for twenty
 
 LOVE 355 
 
 nights during your illness (which she keeps repeating 
 to you), becomes ill, and feeble, and suffering, and is even 
 less fit for any occupation, and, while you are in a normal 
 state, expresses her love of self-devotion only by an 
 humble ennui, which involuntarily is communicated to 
 you and all your neighbours. 
 
 The third kind, the active love, consists in striving to 
 satisfy all wants, all wishes, caprices, and even vices of a 
 beloved object. People who love in this manner, love for 
 a lifetime, because the more they love, the more they find 
 out their beloved object, and the easier it is for them to 
 love, that is, to satisfy all the wishes of the loved one. 
 Their love is seldom expressed in words, and if it is 
 expressed, it is done, not in a self-satisfied and beautiful, 
 but in a timid and shamefaced manner, because they are 
 always afraid that they do not love sufficiently. These 
 people love even the vices of their beloved being, because 
 these vices make it possible for them to satisfy new 
 wishes. They seek reciprocation, gladly deceiving them- 
 selves, believe in it, and are happy when they obtain it ; 
 but they continue to love even in adverse circumstances, 
 and not only wish their beloved object happiness, but 
 continually strive by all means, moral and material, great 
 and small, to afford it to them. 
 
 It was this active love for her nephew, her niece, her 
 sister, Lyubov Sergyeevna, and even me, because Dmitri 
 loved me, which shone in the eyes, and in every move- 
 ment of Sofya Ivanovna. 
 
 It was not until much later that I fully appreciated 
 Sofya Ivanovna, but even then the question occurred to 
 me : Why has Dmitri, who endeavoured to understand 
 love in an entirely different way from other young men, 
 and who always had before his eyes dear, loving Sofya 
 Ivanovna, suddenly become passionately enamoured of 
 incomprehensible Lyubov Sergyeevna, and why does he 
 merely admit good quahties in his aunt ? Evidently the
 
 356 YOUTH 
 
 proverb, " A man is not a prophet in his own country," is 
 just. One of two things is true : either there is really 
 more of bad than good in every man, or a man is more 
 susceptible of bad than of good. Lyubov Sergy^evna he 
 had known but for a short time, and the love of his aunt 
 he had experienced ever since his birth.
 
 XXV. 
 
 I AM BECOMING ACQUAINTED 
 
 When I returned to the gallery, they were not speak- 
 ing of me, as I had surmised ; Varenka was not reading, 
 but, having put aside her book, was warmly discussing 
 something with Dmitri, who was walking to and fro, 
 rearranging his necktie with his neck, and blinking. The 
 subject of their discussion was ostensibly Ivan Yakovlevich 
 and superstition ; but the discussion was too heated for 
 the implied meaning to be anything else than one nearer 
 to the whole family. The princess and Lyubdv Sergy^evna 
 sat silent, listening to every word, apparently desiring to 
 take part in the discussion, but restraining themselves and 
 letting Varenka speak for the one, and Dmitri for the 
 other. When I entered, Varenka looked at me with an 
 expression of such indifference that it was evident she 
 was much in earnest about the discussion, and did not 
 care whether I heard what she was saying, or not. The 
 same expression was on the face of the princess, who was 
 apparently on Varenka's side. Dmitri began to discuss 
 more heatedly in my presence, and Lyubov Sergy^evna 
 seemed to be frightened at my appearance and said, with- 
 out turning to any one in particular : " Old people say 
 rightly, ' si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.' " 
 
 But this proverb did not stop the dispute, and only 
 made me think that the side of Lyubov and of my friend 
 was in the wrong. Although I felt awkward at being 
 present at a small family discussion, it was pleasant to see 
 
 357
 
 358 YOUTH 
 
 the real relations of this household, which were brought 
 out by the discussion, and to feel that my presence did 
 not keep them from expressing their views. 
 
 How often it happens that you see a family for years 
 under one and the same false shroud of decency, and that 
 the real relations of its members remain a mystery for 
 you ! I have even noticed that the more impenetrable, 
 and, therefore, more beautiful, that shroud is, the coarser 
 are the actual, hidden relations. But let sometime, quite 
 unexpectedly, a seemingly insignificant question about 
 some blonde or some visit, or the husband's horses, arise 
 in this family circle, — and the quarrel becomes without 
 any apparent cause ever more embittered, things grow too 
 crowded under the shroud for settlement, and suddenly, 
 to the terror of the persons quarrelling themselves, and to 
 the amazement of those present, all the real coarse rela- 
 tions come to the surface, the shroud, which no longer 
 conceals anything, flaunts between the contending parties 
 and only reminds you of how long you have been deceived. 
 Frequently it is not so painful to strike the head against 
 a crossbeam as to touch Hghtly a sore place. There is 
 just such a painful sore place in nearly every family. 
 In the family of the Nekhlyudovs it was Dmitri's odd 
 love for Lyubov Sergy^evna, which provoked in his sister 
 and mother, if not a feeling of jealousy, at least an 
 offended family feeling. For this reason the discussion 
 about Ivan Yakovlevich and superstition had such a 
 serious meaning for all. 
 
 " You always try to see in that which everybody ridi- 
 cules and everybody despises," spoke Yarenka in her 
 melodious voice, pronouncing every letter distinctly, " yes, 
 you always try to find something unusually good in it." 
 
 " In the first place, only the most frivolous person can 
 speak of despising such a remarkable man as Iv^n Yakov- 
 levich," answered Dmitri, convulsively jerking his head 
 in a direction away from his sister, "and, in the second
 
 I AM BECOMING ACQUAINTED 359 
 
 place, you, on the contrary, try on purpose not to see the 
 good which is standing before your eyes." 
 
 Turning to us, Sofya Ivanovna looked several times 
 now at her nephew, now at her niece, and now at me, 
 and two or three times she opened her mouth and drew a 
 deep sigh, as though saying something mentally. 
 
 " V^rya, please hurry up and read," she said, handing 
 her the book and gently patting her hand, " I am anxious 
 to learn whether he found her." (As far as I remember 
 there was nothing in the novel about anybody finding 
 anybody.) " And you, Mitya, had better wrap up your 
 cheek, my dear, for it is blowing here, and you will get a 
 toothache again," she said to her nephew, in spite of the 
 dissatisfied glance which he cast upon her, presumably 
 for having broken the logical thread of his proofs. The 
 reading was continued. 
 
 This small quarrel did not in the least affect the 
 family peace and the sensible harmony of that feminine 
 circle. 
 
 That circle, to which Princess Marya Ivanovna obvi- 
 ously gave direction and character, had for me the entirely 
 new and attractive character of a certain logicalness and, 
 at the same time, simplicity and refinement. This char- 
 acter was expressed for me in the beauty, cleanliness, and 
 solidity of things, — the bell, the binding of the book, the 
 chair, the table, — and in the erect, corseted attitude of 
 the princess, and in the display of the locks of gray hair, 
 and in the habit of calling me at the first meeting Nico- 
 las and he, in their occupations, in the reading and sewing, 
 and in the extraordinary whiteness of their feminine 
 hands. (They all had a common family feature in their 
 hands, consisting in the flesh colour of the outer side of 
 their palms, which, by a sharp, straight line, was separated 
 from the extraordinary whiteness of the back of the hand.) 
 But, above all this, character was expressed in the way 
 all three spoke excellent Eussian and French, distinctly
 
 360 YOUTH 
 
 enunciating every letter, and with pedantic exactness 
 finishing every word and sentence ; all this, and especially 
 the fact that they treated me in their company simply 
 and seriously, like a grown man, telling me their own 
 opinions and listening to mine, — I was so httle used 
 to it that, in spite of my shining buttons and blue facings, 
 I was all the time afraid that they would tell me, " Do 
 you really think we are speaking to you in earnest ? Go to 
 your lessons," — all this had the effect of reheving me 
 entirely of timidity. I rose from my chair, changed 
 seats, and boldly spoke to everybody, except Varenka, 
 with whom, it seemed to me, it was not proper, but some- 
 how prohibited, to speak the first time. 
 
 During the reading, while I listened to her pleasant, 
 ringing voice, and looked, now at her, and now upon the 
 sand path of the flower-garden, on which round, darkling 
 drops of rain were formed ; and upon the linden-trees, on 
 the leaves of which continued to patter rare drops of rain 
 from the pale, bluishy translucent rim of the cloud which 
 was just passing over us, and then again upon her ; and 
 upon the last blood-red rays of the setting sun, which 
 illuminated the thick old birches wet with the rain, and 
 again upon Varenka, — I reflected that she was not at all 
 ill-looking, as I had thought in the beginning. 
 
 " What a pity I am already in love," I thought, " and 
 that Vdrenka is not S6nichka ! How good it would be 
 suddenly to become a member of this family : I should 
 have at once a mother, an aunt, and a wife." All the 
 time I was thinking this, I kept looking at Varenka while 
 she was reading, and I imagined I was magnetizing her, 
 and that she would have to look at me. Varenka raised 
 her head from the book, looked at me and, meeting my 
 glance, turned away. 
 
 " I see the rain has not stopped," she said. 
 
 And, suddenly, I experienced a strange feeling : I re- 
 called that precisely what was happening then was a
 
 I AM BECOMING ACQUAINTED 361 
 
 repetition of something that had happened with me be- 
 fore ; that just such a rain had pattered then, and the sun 
 went down behind the birches, and I looked at her, and 
 she read, and I magnetized her, and she looked around, 
 and I recalled that it had happened before. 
 
 " Is it possible it is she ? Is it really beginning ? " 
 But I quickly decided that it was not she, and that it was 
 not beginning yet. " In the first place, she is not good- 
 looking," I thought, " and she is just a young lady, with 
 whom I became acquainted in the commonest manner, 
 but she will be uncommon, and her I shall meet in some 
 uncommon place ; and then, I like this family so much 
 because I have not seen anything as yet," I reflected, 
 " and there are, no doubt, always such, and I shall meet 
 many of them in my life."
 
 XXVL 
 
 I SHOW MYSELF FROM MY MOST ADVANTAGEOUS SIDE 
 
 At tea the reading stopped, and the ladies engaged in a 
 conversation about persons and affairs unknown to me. 
 This they did, as I thought, in order to make me feel, in 
 spite of the gracious reception, the difference which ex- 
 isted between them and me, on account of the disparity 
 of years and social standing. When the conversation be- 
 came general, so that I could take part in it, I redeemed 
 my previous silence by trying to display my extraordinary 
 mind and originality, which, as I thought, I owed it to 
 my uniform to do. When the conversation turned to sum- 
 mer residences, I at once told them that Prince Ivan 
 Iv^novich had a summer residence near Moscow ; that 
 people had come from London and Paris to look at it; 
 that it was surrounded by a fence which had cost three 
 hundred and eighty thousand ; and that Iv^n Ivanovich 
 was a very near relative of mine ; and that I had dined 
 with him to-day, and he had invited me by all means to 
 come and stay with him the whole summer in his country 
 house, but that I had refused because I knew that resi- 
 dence well, having been there several times ; and that all 
 those fences and bridges did not interest me in the least, 
 because I could not bear luxury, particularly in the coun- 
 try ; and that I liked the country to be entirely country- 
 like. Having told this terrible, complicated lie, I became 
 confused, and blushed, so that every one must have 
 noticed that I was lying. V^renka, who was just then 
 
 362
 
 MY MOST ADVANTAGEOUS SIDE 363 
 
 passing a cup of tea to me, and Sofya Iv^novna, who was 
 looking at me all the time I spoke, turned their faces 
 aside and conversed about something else with an expres- 
 sion which I later met frequently in good people, when a 
 very young man began to tell obvious hes, and which 
 meant : " We know that he is lying, and why is the poor 
 fellow doing so ? " 
 
 I said that Prince Iv^n Ivanovich had a summer resi- 
 dence, because I could not find a better excuse for men- 
 tioning my relationship with Prince Ivdn Ivanovich, and 
 my having dined with him that day. But why did I tell 
 about the fence that cost three hundred and eighty thou- 
 sand, and say that I had frequently been there, when I 
 had not been there once, nor ever could have been, for 
 Prince Ivan Ivanovich lived only in Moscow and in 
 Naples, which was quite well known to the Nekhlyii- 
 dovs, — why did I tell all that ? I am absolutely unable 
 to account for it. Neither in my childhood, nor in my 
 boyhood, nor later in my riper years, have I ever noticed 
 in myself the vice of lying : on the contrary, I was more 
 incHned to be unduly truthful and frank ; but in that first 
 period of my youth I was frequently attacked by the 
 strange desire to tell the most desperate lies, without 
 any apparent cause whatsoever. I say " desperate hes," 
 because I lied in matters in which it was very easy to 
 catch me. It seems to me that the chief cause of this 
 strange tendency lay in the vain desire to show myself as 
 a different man from what I was, united with the hope, 
 unrealizable in hfe, of lying without being detected. 
 
 As the rain had passed, and the weather during the 
 evening glow was calm and clear, the princess proposed 
 after tea that we take a stroll through the lower garden 
 and inspect her favourite spot. Following my rule always 
 to be original, and thinking that such clever people as the 
 princess and I ought to stand above banal civility, I 
 answered that I could not bear strolling around without
 
 364 YOUTH 
 
 any aim, and if I did go out for pleasure I preferred to go 
 all alone. I did not stop to consider that what I said was 
 mere rudeness; it appeared to me at that time, that as 
 there was nothing more disgraceful than trite compliments, 
 so there was nothing more agreeable and original than a 
 certain impolite frankness. However satisfied I was with 
 my answer, I nevertheless went out with all the company. 
 
 The favourite spot of the princess was quite a distance 
 below, in the very depth of the garden, on a small bridge 
 which was thrown over a narrow strip of swamp. The 
 view was very limited, but melancholy and graceful. We 
 are so accustomed to mistake art for nature, that fre- 
 quently the phenomena of nature which we have never 
 met in art appear unnatural to us, as though nature were 
 factitious, and, vice versa, those phenomena which have 
 been too frequently repeated in art appear hackneyed, 
 while some views which are too much permeated by one 
 idea and sentiment, such as we meet in reality, seem arti- 
 ficial. The view from the favourite spot of the princess 
 was of that kind. It was formed by a small shrub-fringed 
 pond, just behind which rose a steep hill, all overgrown 
 with immense, old trees and bushes, which frequently 
 intermingled their variegated verdure, and by an ancient 
 birch at the foot of the hill, which, overhanging the pond 
 and extending its thick roots in its moist bank, leaned 
 with its top against a tall, stately aspen and stretched its 
 curly branches above the smooth surface of the pond, 
 which reflected all those pendent branches and the sur- 
 rounding verdure. 
 
 " How charming ! " said the princess, shaking her head 
 and speaking to nobody in particular. 
 
 " Yes, charming, but it seems to me it awfully resembles 
 painted scenery," said I, trying to prove that I held my 
 own opinion in everything. 
 
 The princess continued to enjoy the view, as though she 
 had not heard my remark, and turning to her sister and
 
 MY MOST ADVANTAGEOUS SIDE 366 
 
 to Lyub6v Sergy<?evna, pointed out the part which she 
 particularly liked, — a crooked overhanging branch and 
 its reflection. Sdfya Ivdnovna said that it was beautiful, 
 and that her sister passed several hours at a time there ; 
 but it was evident she said all that to please the princess. 
 I have noticed that persons who are gifted with the ability 
 to love rarely are impressed by beauties of nature. Lyu- 
 b6v Sergy^evna was also enthusiastic ; she asked, among 
 other tilings, " What keeps up the birch-tree ? Will it 
 stand a long time yet ? " and continually glanced at her 
 Suzette, which wagged its shaggy tail, and with its crooked 
 little legs ran up and down the bridge, with an anxious 
 expression, as though it were out of doors for the first time 
 in its Ufe. Dmitri entered into a very logical discussion 
 with his mother, trying to prove that no view could be 
 beautiful whose horizon was limited. Vdrenka did not 
 say anything. When I looked round at her she, standing 
 in profile, was leaning against the balustrade of the 
 bridge, and gazing into the distance. Something obvi- 
 ously attracted and interested her very much, for she was 
 apparently lost in contemplation and thought neither of 
 herself, nor of being observed. In the expression of her 
 large eyes was so much concentrated attention and calm, 
 clear thought, and in her attitude so much unconstraint 
 and, in spite of her low stature, even majesty, that I 
 seemed to be struck again by the recollection of her, and 
 I again asked myself whether it was not beginning. And 
 again I answered myself that I was in love with Sonichka, 
 and that Vdrenka was merely a young lady, the sister of 
 my friend. But she pleased me at that moment, and in 
 consequence, I was seized by an undefinable desire to do 
 or tell her some little unpleasantness. 
 
 " Do you know what, Dmitri ? " I said to my friend, 
 walking up closer to Varenka, so that she might hear what 
 I was saying, " I find that even without the mosquitoes 
 there would not be anything beautiful here, but now," I
 
 366 YOUTH 
 
 added, slapping my forehead and really killing a mosquito, 
 " it is no good at all." 
 
 " You do not seem to love Nature," said V^renka to me, 
 without turning her head. 
 
 " I find that it is a barren, useless occupation," I 
 answered, quite satisfied at haviug said an unpleasant 
 thing to her, and an original one at that. Vdrenka barely 
 raised her brows for a moment, with an expression of pity, 
 and just as calmly continued to gaze ahead of her. 
 
 I was vexed at her, and yet, the gray, faded railing of 
 the bridge against which she leaned, the reflection of the 
 pendent branch of the overhanging birch in the dusky 
 pond, striving to unite with the drooping branches above, 
 the swampy odour, the feeling of a crushed mosquito on 
 my forehead, and her attentive gaze and majestic attitude 
 frequently afterward appeared suddenly in my imagina- 
 tion.
 
 XXVII. 
 
 DMITRI 
 
 When we returned home after the stroll, V^renka did 
 not wish to sing, as she was wont to do of an evening, 
 and I was so conceited as to attribute the cause of it to 
 myself, imagining that it was due to what I had told her 
 on the bridge. The Nekhlyiidovs did not eat supper, and 
 dispersed early, and on that day, when, as Sofya Ivanovna 
 had predicted, Dmitri's teeth really began to ache, we 
 went up to his room eariier than usual. As I supposed 
 that I had accomphshed all that my blue collar and my 
 buttons demanded, and that all were pleased with me, I 
 was in a very agreeable and self-satisfied frame of mind ; 
 Dmitri, on the contrary, was taciturn and gloomy, on 
 account of the quarrel and the toothache. He sat down 
 at the table, took out his note-books, — a diary and a copy- 
 book where he was in the habit of writing down every 
 evening his future and past occupations, — and, continu- 
 ally frowning and touching his cheek with his hand, was 
 busy writing for a long time. 
 
 " Oh, leave me alone ! " he cried at the chambermaid 
 who was sent by Sofya Ivanovna to ask him how his 
 toothache was, and whether he did not want a hot com- 
 press. After telling me that my bed would soon be made 
 up, and that he would be back shortly, he went to Lyu- 
 bov Sergy^evna. 
 
 "What a pity Varenka is not pretty and, in general, 
 
 367
 
 368 YOUTH 
 
 not S(5nichka," I meditated, when I was left alone in the 
 room. "How nice it would be after leaving the uni- 
 versity to come here and propose to her. I would say : 
 
 * Princess, I am not young any more ; I cannot love pas- 
 sionately, but I will love you for ever, hke a dear sister.* 
 
 * I already respect you,' I would say to her mother, * and 
 you, Sofya Ivanovna, believe me, I esteem highly.' ' So 
 tell me straight out : will you be my wife ? ' ' Yes.' And 
 she will give me her hand, and I shall press it, and shall 
 say : ' My love is not in words, but deeds.' How would 
 it be," it occurred to me, " if Dmitri suddenly fell in love 
 with Lyubochka, — for Lyubochka is already in love with 
 him, — and wanted to marry her ? Then one of us would 
 not be allowed to marry. That would be well; Here is 
 what I would do. I would notice it at once, and so I 
 would come to Dmitri, without saying anything to any- 
 body else, and would say to him : * My friend, it would 
 be in vain for us to conceal it from each other. You 
 know that my love for your sister will end only with my 
 life ; but I know all ; you have deprived me of my best 
 hope ; you have made me unhappy. Do you know how 
 Nikolay Irt^nev requites the unhappiness of all his life ? 
 Here is my sister,' and I would give him the hand of 
 Lyubochka. He would say : ' No, not for anything in the 
 world ! ' and I would say : ' Prince Nekhlyiidov, you are 
 trying in vain to be more magnanimous than NikoWy 
 Irt^nev ! There is not in the whole world a more mag- 
 nanimous man than he.' And I would bow, and leave. 
 Dmitri and Lyubochka would run out after me, in 
 tears, and implore me to accept their sacrifice. And I 
 might consent, and even be very happy, if only I were in 
 love with Varenka — " These dreams were so pleasant 
 that I was dying to communicate them to my friend, but, 
 in spite of our vow of mutual frankness, I felt, for some 
 reason or other, that there was no physical possibility of 
 telling it.
 
 DMITRI 369 
 
 Dmitri returned from Lyubov Sergy^evna with some 
 drops on his teeth, which she had given him. He was 
 suffering more than before and, consequently, was more 
 gloomy still. My bed had not yet been made, and a 
 boy, Dmitri's servant, came to ask him where I was to 
 sleep. 
 
 " Go to the devil ! " called out Dmitri, stamping his 
 foot. " V^ska ! Vaska ! Alaska ! " he cried, the moment 
 the boy had left, raising his voice more and more. 
 " V^ska, make my bed on the floor ! " 
 
 " No, I had better lie on the floor," I said. 
 
 " Well, all right, make the bed anywhere," Dmitri con- 
 tinued in the same angry voice. " Yaska, why are you not 
 making the bed ? " 
 
 But Vaska e\idently did not understand what he was 
 asked to do, and stood motionless. 
 
 " Well, what is the matter with you ? Make the bed ! 
 Make the bed ! Vaska ! Vaska ! " Dmitri cried, suddenly 
 bursting into a fury. 
 
 But Vaska did not understand him, being all perplexed, 
 and did not budge. 
 
 " Have you sworn to kill — to drive me mad ? " And 
 Dmitri jumped from his chair, ran up to the boy, and with 
 all his might struck his fist against the head of Vaska, 
 who ran headlong out of the room. Stopping at the door, 
 Dmitri turned round to me, and the expression of madness 
 and cruelty which had been on his face but a second ago, 
 gave way to such a meek, shamefaced, and loving, childish 
 expression that I was sorry for him, and, however much 
 I wanted to turn away from him, I was unable to do so. 
 He did not say anything to me, but silently paced the 
 room for a long time, now and then casting a glance at 
 me, with the same expression of entreaty, then took out 
 his note-book, wrote something in it, took off his coat, 
 carefully put it away, walked into the corner where the 
 image was hanging, crossed his large white hands over
 
 370 YOUTH 
 
 his breast, and began to pray. He prayed so long that 
 Vdska had time to bring the mattress and make a bed on 
 the floor, as I directed him in a whisper. I undressed 
 myself and lay down on the bed on the floor, but Dmitri 
 was still praying. As I looked at Dmitri's slightly 
 stooping shoulders and at the soles of his shoes, which 
 stood out before me in all humihty, every time he was 
 making low obeisances, I loved Dmitri even more than 
 before, and I considered whether or not I had better tell 
 him what I had been dreaming about our sisters. When 
 Dmitri finished his prayer, he lay down on the bed and, 
 leaning on his arm, for a long time looked silently at me, 
 with a kind and shamefaced expression. It was a hard 
 thing for him to do so, but he seemingly was punishing 
 himself. I smiled, looking at him. He smiled, too. 
 
 " Why do you not tell me," he said, " that I have acted 
 contemptibly ? That is what you have been thinking 
 about." 
 
 " Yes," I answered (although I had been thinking of 
 something else, it seemed to me that I had really been 
 thinking of it), "yes, it was very bad. I had never 
 expected such a thing from thee," I said, experiencing 
 that moment a special pleasure in speaking "thou" to 
 him. " Well, how are thy teeth ? " I added. 
 
 " That is all over. Ah, Nik61enka, my friend ! " said 
 Dmitri, so gently that I thought there were tears in his 
 eyes, " I know and feel how bad I am, and God sees how 
 I wish and ask Him to make me better ; but what am 
 I to do if I have such an unfortunate, despicable charac- 
 ter ? What am I to do ? I try to restrain and to re- 
 form myself, but that cannot be done at once, nor alone. 
 It is necessary that some one should support and aid me. 
 Now, Lyub6v Sergy^evna understands me and has helped 
 me much. I know, by my diary, that I have greatly 
 improved in the course of the year. Ah, Nik(51enka, my 
 darling ! " he continued, after this confession, with unusual
 
 DMfTRI 371 
 
 tenderness, and in a calmer voice, " how much the influ- 
 ence of a woman like her means ! O Lord, how good it 
 will be when I am independent, with such a companion as 
 she ! I am a different man, in her presence." 
 
 Thereupon Dmitri began to evolve all his plans of 
 marriage, country life, and uninterrupted labour over 
 himself. 
 
 " I shall be living in the country, you will come to see 
 me, and, maybe, you will be married to Sonichka," he 
 said. " Our children will play together. All this seems 
 ridiculous and foolish, and yet it may happen." 
 
 " Why not ? It is very hkely," I said, smiling and 
 thinking all the while that it would be better still if I 
 married his sister. 
 
 " Do you know what I will tell you ? " he said to me, 
 after a short silence. " You only imagine that you are in 
 love with Sonichka, but, as I see, that is all nonsense, 
 and you do not know yet what the real feeling is like." 
 
 I did not retort, because I almost agreed with him. We 
 were silent for a moment. 
 
 " You have noticed that I was out of sorts to-day and 
 had a bad quarrel with Varya. I felt ashamed later on, 
 particularly because it happened in your presence. Al- 
 though she does not think the right way about many 
 matters, she is an excellent girl, and very good, as you 
 will find her to be upon closer acquaintance." 
 
 His transition in the conversation from the subject of 
 my not being in love to the praise of his sister gave me 
 great joy and caused me to blush ; still, I did not say 
 anything to him about his sister, and we went on to speak 
 of something else. 
 
 Thus we chatted to the second cockcrow, and the pale 
 dawn peeped through the window when Dmitri went over 
 to his bed and extinguished the candle. 
 
 " Well, now to sleep," he said. 
 
 " Yes," I answered, " only one word more."
 
 372 YOUTH 
 
 "WeU?" 
 
 " Is it nice to live in the world ? " said I. 
 
 " It is nice to live in the world," he answered, in such a 
 voice that it seemed I could see in the darkness the ex- 
 pression of his mirthful, gentle eyes and childlike smile.
 
 XXVIII. 
 
 IN THE COUNTEY 
 
 The next day Volodya and I left for the country on 
 post-horses. On the road I passed in review all the dif- 
 ferent Moscow reminiscences, and also thought of S6- 
 nichka Valakliin, but not before evening, when we had five 
 stations behind us. " Now, this is strange," I thought ; 
 " I am in love, and have entirely forgotten it. I must 
 think of her." And I began to think of her, as one 
 thinks while travelling, not connectedly, but vividly ; and 
 the upshot of my dehberations was that when I arrived 
 in the country, I considered it necessary for two days to 
 appear melancholy and pensive before the home people, 
 and in particular before Katenka, whom I regarded as a 
 great connoisseur in matters of this kind, and to whom I 
 hinted a bit about the condition my heart was in. Yet 
 in spite of all my attempts at feigning before myself and 
 others, in spite of all the intentional adoption of all the 
 signs which I had observed in others who were in love, I 
 recalled only for two days, and that not continuously, 
 but more especially in the evenings, that I was in love, 
 and finally, as soon as I entered into the new rut of 
 country life and occupations, I completely forgot my love 
 for Souichka. 
 
 We arrived at Petrdvskoe in the night, and I was so 
 fast asleep that I saw neither the house, nor the birch 
 avenue, nor any of the family, who had all gone to their 
 rooms, and were long asleep. Stooping old Foka, bare- 
 
 373
 
 374 YOUTH 
 
 foot, in some kind of a woman's wadded jacket, with a 
 candle in his hand, unlatched the door for us. When he 
 saw us, he shook with joy, kissed us repeatedly on the 
 shoulder, hastily removed his felt bed, and began to 
 dress himself. I passed the front hall and the staircase 
 while still half asleep, but in the antechamber the door- 
 lock, the latch, the warped floor, the clothes-chest, the old 
 candlestick stained as ever by tallow drops, the shadows 
 from the crooked, cold, just lighted wick of the tallow 
 dip, the ever dusty, unremoved double windows, beyond 
 which, I remembered, grew a rowan-tree, — all these were 
 so familiar, so full of memories, so in agreement with each 
 other, as if united by one thought, — that I suddenly felt 
 the caresses of the dear old house upon me. The ques- 
 tion involuntarily presented itself to me : How could the 
 house and I so long have been without each other ? and, 
 hastening somewhere, I ran to see whether all the rooms 
 were still the same. Everything was the same, only 
 everything was smaller and lower, and I had grown taller, 
 heavier, and coarser, but such as I was, the house joyfully 
 received me in its embrace, and with every deal, every 
 window, every step of the staircase, every sound, awakened 
 in me a host of images, feelings, and incidents of an irre- 
 trievable, happy past. We came to the sleeping-room of 
 our childhood : all the childish terrors again nestled in 
 the dusk of the corners and doors ; we passed the drawing- 
 room — the same quiet, tender love of our mother was 
 shed over all the objects which stood there ; we passed 
 the parlour — the noisy, careless, childish mirth, it seemed, 
 had stopped in this room, and was only waiting to be 
 revived. In the sofa-room, whither Foka took us, and 
 where he made beds for us, everything, — the mirror, 
 the screen, the old wooden image, every unevenness of 
 the wall with its white wall-paper, — everything told 
 of suffering and of death, and of that which will never 
 be again.
 
 IN TUE COUNTRY 375 
 
 We lay down, and F6ka left us, wishing us a good 
 night. 
 
 " Is it in this room mamma died ? " said Volddya. 
 
 I did not answer him, but pretended to be asleep. If 
 I had said anything I should have burst into tears. 
 When I awoke the next morning, I found papa, undressed, 
 in slippers and dressing-gown, with a cigar in his mouth, 
 sitting on Volddya's bed, and speaking and laughing with 
 him. He jumped up from the bed with a merry shrug of 
 his shoulders, walked up to me and, slapping my back 
 with his large hand, placed his cheek before me and 
 pressed it to my lips. 
 
 " Well, that is good, glad of it, diplomat," he said 
 with his particular, mirthful kindness, gazing at me with 
 his small shining eyes. " Vol6dya says that you have 
 passed a good examination, like a fine fellow, — that is 
 good. Whenever you make up your mind not to fool 
 away your time, you are a nice chap, too. I am glad, 
 my dear. Now we shall have a good time here, and in 
 the winter we shall, perhaps, settle in St. Petersburg. 
 What a pity the hunting season is past, or I should have 
 given you the pleasure of that sport ; well, can you hunt 
 with a gun, Vdldemar ? There is a lot of game, and I 
 may go out with you some day. In the winter, God 
 willing, we shall settle in St. Petersburg, and you will 
 meet people and form ties, — you are now my big lads. 
 I just told Yoldemar, you are now on the road, my work 
 is done, you may go yourselves, and if you wish to take 
 my advice, I shall give it to you. I am no longer your 
 nurse, but your friend ; at least, I want to be your friend 
 and companion and adviser, wherever I can, and nothing 
 else. How is that according to your philosophy, Koko, 
 eh ? Good or bad ? Eh ? " 
 
 I, naturally, told him that it was good, and reaUy 
 found it so. Papa had that day an especially attractive, 
 mirthful, and happy expression ; these new relations with
 
 376 YOUTH 
 
 me, as with an equal, a companion, made me love him 
 even more. 
 
 " WelL tell me, did you call on all your relatives ? 
 At the Ivins ? Did you see the old man ? What did 
 he say to you ? " he continued to ask. " Were you at 
 the home of Prince Iv^ Ivanovich ? " 
 
 We conversed so long without getting dressed that the 
 sun was beginniog to pass away from the windows of 
 the sofa-room, and Yakov (who was just as old, and just 
 in the same way twirled his lingers behind his back) 
 came into our room and announced to papa that the 
 carriage was ready. 
 
 " Whither are you going ? " I asked papa. 
 
 " Oh, I forgot," said papa, with a jerk of annoyance, 
 and coughing. " I have promised to call on the Epifdnovs 
 to-day. You remember Miss Epifdnov, la telle Flamande ? 
 She used to visit your mamma. They are excellent 
 people." Papa left the room, jerking his shoulder, as 
 I thought, bashfully. 
 
 Lyubochka had come up several times to the door, 
 during our chat, and asked, " May I come in ? " but papa 
 every time called out to her through the door, " By no 
 means, for we are not yet dressed." 
 
 " What of it ? I have seen you often in your dressing- 
 gown." 
 
 " You cannot see your brothers without their ' inex- 
 pressibles,* " he cried to her. " Now, they will both 
 knock at the door for you, — will that do you ? Knock. 
 It is even indecent for them to speak to you, while they 
 are in such negligee." 
 
 " Oh, how intolerable you are ! At least come as soon 
 as possible to the drawing-room, for Mimi wants to see 
 you," Lyubochka cried through the door. 
 
 As soon as papa left us, I hurriedly dressed myself in 
 the student coat, and went to the drawing-room. Volddya, 
 on the contrary, was in no haste, and stayed awhile up-
 
 IN THE COUNTRY 377 
 
 stairs, talking to Yakov about the places where snipes 
 and woodcocks were abundant. As I have said before, 
 he was afraid of nothing as much as of what he called 
 " tendernesses," with brother, papa, or sister, and, avoid- 
 ing every expression of sentiment, fell into the other 
 extreme, — coldness, which frequently gave painful offence 
 to people who did not understand its causes. In the 
 antechamber I stumbled on papa, who with short, rapid 
 steps was hastening to take his seat in the carriage. He 
 was dressed in his new, fashionable Moscow coat, and 
 was scented with perfume. When he saw me, he merrily 
 nodded to me, as if to say, " You see, it is fine ! " and 
 again I was struck by the happy expression on his face, 
 which I had noticed in the morning. 
 
 The drawing-room was the same bright, high room, with 
 the yellow English grand piano and large open windows, 
 through which looked merrily the green trees and the 
 reddish brown paths of the garden. After kissing Mimi 
 and Lyubochka, I walked up to Katenka, but it suddenly 
 occurred to me that it was no longer proper to kiss her, 
 and I stopped, in silence, and blushing. Katenka was 
 not in the least confused, gave me her white little hand, 
 and congratulated me on having entered the university. 
 When Volodya came to the drawing-room, the same thing 
 happened to him, at his meeting with Katenka. Indeed, 
 it was hard to decide, after we had grown up together, 
 and seen each other every day, how we were to meet 
 now, after our first separation. Katenka blushed more 
 than we. Volddya was not in the least abashed, but 
 bowed to her hghtly, and went over to Lyubochka, with 
 whom he spoke but little, and not at all seriously, and 
 then they went out for a stroll.
 
 XXIX. 
 
 OUR EELATIONS WITH THE GIRLS 
 
 Vol6dya held very strange views about the girls. He 
 could be interested by such questions as whether they 
 had had enough to eat, whether they had slept well, 
 whether they were decently dressed, whether they did 
 not make mistakes in speaking French, for which he 
 would have to be ashamed before strangers, — but he did 
 not admit the thought that they could think or feel any- 
 thing human, and still less did he admit the possibility 
 of discussing anything with them. Whenever they had 
 occasion to turn to him with some serious question 
 (which, however, they tried to avoid), when they asked 
 his opinion about some novel, or about his occupations 
 at the university, he made faces at them and walked 
 away in silence, or answered them in a contorted French 
 sentence, " Comme c'i tri jolt," and so forth, or, looking 
 serious and purposely stupid, he told them a word that 
 had no meaning whatsoever, and no reference to the 
 question, and suddenly pronounced, with dull eyes, such 
 words as " roll " or " gone," or " cabbage," or something 
 of the kind. If I repeated to him what Lyiibochka and 
 Katenka had said to me, he invariably answered : 
 
 " H'ra, so you still discuss with them ? No, you, I see, 
 are no good yet." 
 
 One would have to hear and see him in order to 
 appreciate the deep, invariable contempt which was ex- 
 pressed in that phrase. Volddya had now been a grown 
 
 .378
 
 OUIi RELATIONS WITU THE GIRLS 379 
 
 mau for two years, and fell continually in love with all the 
 pretty women whom he met ; but, although he every day 
 met Kateuka, who had been wearing long dresses for two 
 years, and was all the time getting prettier, the possibility 
 of falhng in love with her had never occurred to him. 
 Whether it originated in the fact that the prosaic remi- 
 niscences of childhood, the ruler, the sheet, the caprices, 
 were still too fresh in his memory, or in the disgust 
 which very young people feel for everything domestic, 
 or in the universal human weakness, when meeting upon 
 the first path something good and beautiful, to pass by it, 
 saying to oneself : " Oh, I shall meet many more of this 
 kind in my life," — Volodya continued to look upon 
 Katenka as not a woman. 
 
 Volodya suffered much ennui during that summer. 
 This ennui was caused by the contempt in which he held 
 us, and which he did not attempt to conceal. The con- 
 stant expression of his face said, " Pshaw, what ennui, 
 and nobody to talk to ! " He would go out in the morn- 
 ing with his gun to hunt, or he would stay undressed 
 until dinner in his room, reading a book. If papa was 
 not at home, he even came to dinner with his book, con- 
 tinuing to read it, and not exchanging a word with any 
 of us, which made us all feel guilty before him. In the 
 evening he lay down with his feet on a sofa in the draw- 
 ing-room, slept leaning on his arm, or with a most serious 
 countenance told some most terrible, often quite improper, 
 nonsense, which made Mimi furious and brought out red 
 spots on her face, but caused us to die with laughter ; but 
 he never condescended to speak seriously with any one 
 of our family, except with papa and occasionally with me. 
 I quite involuntarily imitated my brother's view in regard 
 to the girls, although I was not at all so afraid of tender- 
 nesses as he, and my contempt for the girls was far 
 from being as strong and deep. From sheer ennui I tried 
 that summer several times to get on a closer footing with
 
 380 YOUTH 
 
 Lyiibochka and Katenka and to converse with them, but 
 I found in them every time such an inability to think 
 logically, and such ignorance of the simplest, commonest 
 things, as what money was, what people studied at the 
 university, what war was, and so on, and such an indiffer- 
 ence to the explanations of these things, that my attempts 
 only confirmed me in my unfavourable opinion of them. 
 
 I remember how one evening Lyiibochka repeated for 
 the hundredth time some dreadfully tiresome passage on 
 the piano, while Vol6dya lay dozing on the sofa in the 
 drawing-room, and now and then, with a certain malicious 
 irony, not speaking to anybody in particular, mumbled: 
 " She does bang ! — Musician ! — Bitkhoven ! " (he pro- 
 nounced this word with especial irony), "let her go — 
 once more — that's it," and so on. Katenka and I re- 
 mained at the tea-table, and, I do not remember how, 
 Katenka led up to her favourite subject — love. I was 
 in a mood to philosophize, and began superciliously to 
 define love as a desire to obtain in another what one did 
 not possess in himself, and so forth. Katenka answered 
 me that, on the contrary, it was not love when a girl 
 thought of marrying a rich man, and that possessions 
 were, in her opinion, a very unimportant matter, and that 
 genuine love was only that which could last through 
 separation (I knew at once she referred to her love for 
 Dubkdv). Volodya, who, no doubt, had heard our con- 
 versation, suddenly raised himself on his elbow and 
 interrogatively called out, " Katenka — the Russians ? " 
 
 " His eternal nonsense ! " said Katenka. 
 
 " Into the pepperbox ? " continued Volodya, accentuating 
 every vowel. I could not help thinking that Volodya 
 was quite right. 
 
 Independently of the common, more or less developed, 
 faculties of the human mind, of sentiment, and artistic 
 feeling, there exists a private faculty, more or less devel- 
 oped in various circles of society, and especially in famihes,
 
 OUK KELATIONS WITH THE GIRLS 381 
 
 which I call " understanding." The essence of this faculty 
 consists in a conventional feeling of measure, and in a 
 conventional one-sided view of things. Two people of 
 the same circle, or of the same family, who possess this 
 faculty, permit the expression of sentiment to a certain 
 point, after which they both see nothing but empty 
 phrases ; they see at exactly the same moment where 
 praise ends and irony begins, where enthusiasm ends and 
 hypocrisy begins, which to people with different under- 
 standing may appear quite otherwise. People with the 
 same understanding are impressed by every object, more 
 especially by its ridiculous, or beautiful, or nasty side. 
 To facilitate this equal understanding among the members 
 of the same circle or family, there establishes itself a 
 conventional language, conventional expressions, and even 
 words, which define those shades of meaning that do not 
 exist for others. In our family, this understanding was 
 highly developed between papa and us brothers. Dubkov 
 also fell in with our circle and " understood," but Dmitri, 
 who otherwise was much more clever than he, was dull 
 in this. With no one did I carry this faculty to such 
 perfection as with Volddya, with whom I had been brought 
 up under identical conditions. Papa W"as falling behind 
 us, and much which was to us as clear as two times 
 two is four, was incomprehensible to him. For example, 
 betw^een A^olodya and me were estabhshed, God knows 
 why, the following words with their corresponding mean- 
 ings : " raisins " meant a vain desire to show that I have 
 money ; " pinecone " (whereat it was necessary to put the 
 fingers together and distinctly to pronounce the conso- 
 nants) signified something fresh, healthy, elegant, but not 
 foppish ; a noun used in the plural signified an unjust 
 prejudice in favour of that object, and so forth. However, 
 the meaning depended more on the expression of the face, 
 and on the subject under discussion, so that no matter 
 what new word one used to express a new shade, the
 
 382 YOUTH 
 
 other immediately understood it by the mere reference. 
 The girls did not have our understanding, and that was 
 the chief cause of our moral disunion, and of the contempt 
 which we felt for them. 
 
 It may be they had their own " understanding," but it 
 so differed from ours, that where we saw only twaddle, 
 they saw feeling, and our irony appeared as truth to them. 
 At that time I did not understand that they were not to 
 blame for it, and that this absence of understanding did 
 not prevent their being good and clever girls, and I had 
 contempt for them. Then, having made a hobby of frank- 
 ness, and applying this idea to myself in the extreme, I 
 accused the quiet and trustful nature of Lyiibochka of 
 secretiveness and hypocrisy because she did not see any 
 necessity for unearthing and displaying all her thoughts 
 and feelings. For example, Lyiibochka's making the sign 
 of the cross over papa in the evening, her weeping and 
 that of Katenka in the chapel, whenever they went to 
 serve mass for mother, Katenka's sighing and rolling her 
 eyes, when she played on the piano, — all that appeared 
 to me as the merest hypocrisy, and I asked myself: 
 " When did they learn to feign like grown people, and 
 why are they not ashamed ? "
 
 XXX. 
 
 MY OCCUPATIONS 
 
 In spite of it all, I became that summer much more 
 friendly with our young ladies, through my newly mani- 
 fested passion for music. In the spring a young neigh- 
 bour introduced himself at our house. The moment he 
 entered the drawing-room he began to gaze at the piano 
 and imperceptibly to move his chair up to it, while 
 speaking with Mimi and Kateuka. After having said 
 something about the weather and the pleasures of country 
 life, he skilfully led up the conversation to a piano tuner, 
 to music, and to the piano, and finally announced to us 
 that he played, and, indeed, soon played for us three 
 waltzes, while Lyiibochka, Mimi, and Katenka stood at 
 the piano and looked at him. This young man never 
 called at our house again, but I took a great liking to his 
 playing, his attitude at the piano, his head-shake, and 
 especially his manner of taking octaves with his left hand, 
 by rapidly stretching his little finger and thumb to an 
 octave span, then slowly bringing them together, and 
 again swiftly stretching them. This graceful gesture, his 
 careless attitude, his head-shake, and the attention which 
 the ladies showed to his talent gave me the idea of play- 
 ing the piano. In consequence of this idea and because I 
 convinced myself that I had talent and a passion for 
 music, I began studying it. In this respect I acted like 
 milhons of people, of the masculine, but particularly of 
 the feminine sex, who study without a good teacher, with- 
 
 383
 
 384 YOUTH 
 
 out a real calling, and without the least conception what 
 this art can offer them, and how they are to go about it 
 in order that it should offer them something. For me, 
 music, or rather piano playing, was a means to charm the 
 girls with my sentiments. With the aid of Katenka, I 
 learned the notes, and limbered up my fat fingers ; how- 
 ever, I used more than two months to accomplish this, 
 and was so studious that even at dinner I practised with 
 my refractory ring-finger on my knee, and in my bed on 
 my pillow. I soon began to play "pieces," and played 
 them, of course, with feeling, avec dnu, as Katenka herself 
 admitted, but not in time. 
 
 The choice of pieces was the usual one, waltzes, galops, 
 romances, arranged arias, and so forth, all by those 
 charming composers, of which every man with a httle 
 healthy taste will select a small pile from a mass of beau- 
 tiful things in a music store, saying, " These things one 
 ought never to play, because nothing more insipid and 
 stupid has ever been put down on music paper," and 
 which, no doubt, for this very reason, you may find on 
 the piano of every Russian young lady. It is true w^e had 
 also " Senate Path^tique " and the Cis-mol sonatas of 
 Beethoven, for ever maimed and torn by the young ladies, 
 which Lyubochka played in memory of mother, and a 
 few other good things which her Moscow teacher had 
 given her ; but there were also compositions by that 
 teacher, insipid marches and galops, which Lyubochka 
 played also. 
 
 Katenka and I did not like serious things, and preferred 
 to everything "Le Fou" and "The Nightingale," which 
 Katenka played so that the fingers could not be seen, and 
 I began to play quite loud and smoothly, I appropriated 
 to myself the gesture of the young man, and frequently 
 regretted that there were no strangers to see me play. 
 Soon Liszt and Kalkbrenner proved to be above my 
 strength, and I saw no chance of catching up witli
 
 MY OCCUPATIONS 385 
 
 Kdteuka. For this reason, having concluded that clas- 
 sical music is easier, and also for the sake of originality, I 
 suddenly decided that I liked the German classical music, 
 became enthusiastic whenever Lyiibochka played "Sonate 
 rath(5tique," although, to tell the truth, that sonata had 
 long been palling upon me, and began myself to play 
 Beethoven and to pronounce his name in the German 
 fashion. Through all that tangle and hypocrisy I had, as 
 I remember, something like talent, because music fre- 
 quently affected me powerfully to tears, and the things 
 that I liked I managed to pick out on the piano without 
 notes, so that if somebody had taught me then to look 
 upon music as an aim, as an independent enjoyment, and 
 not as a means with which to charm girls by the rapidity 
 and expressiveness of my playing, I might have in reality 
 become a decent musician. 
 
 The reading of French novels, of which Volodya had 
 brought many with him, was my other occupation during 
 that summer. It was then that all kinds of " Monte 
 Cristos " and " Secrets " began to appear, and I pored over 
 the books of Sue, Dumas, and Paul de Kock. All the 
 most unnatural persons and incidents were as true to me 
 as reality, and I not only did not dare to suspect the 
 author of lying, but the author himself did not exist for 
 me; from the printed page rose before me the living, real 
 people and incidents. If I nowhere had met people that 
 resembled those of whom I read, I did not for a moment 
 doubt that I should some day. 
 
 I experienced in myself all the passions described, and 
 perceived a similarity between me and all the characters, 
 both the heroes and the villains of every novel, just as a 
 susceptible man finds in himself the symptoms of every 
 possible disease, when he reads a medical work. I liked 
 in these novels the cunning ideas, the fiery passions, the 
 magic incidents, the perfect characters, — if good, abso- 
 lutely good, if bad, absolutely bad, — just as in my first
 
 386 YOUTH 
 
 youth I imagined people to be; I was also very much 
 pleased because it was all in French, and because the 
 noble words which the noble heroes spoke, I could learn 
 by heart and quote on the occasion of some noble deed. 
 How many different French phrases I thought out by the 
 aid of these novels, to be used to Kolpik6v, if I ever met 
 him, and to her, when I should at last see her and confess 
 my love to her ! I was preparing to tell them something 
 from which they would be overcome the moment they 
 heard me. 
 
 On the basis of the novels, I even formed new ideals of 
 moral qualities which I strove to attain. I wished above 
 everything in all my acts and affairs to be " noble " (I 
 use the French word, because it has a different signifi- 
 cance from the Russian, which the Germans have compre- 
 hended, by adopting the word " nobel " and not mixing it 
 up with the conception of " ehrhch "), then to be passion- 
 ate, and finally, to be as comme il faxd as possible, for 
 which, however, I had a leaning even before. I tried in 
 my looks and habits to resemble the heroes who had any 
 of these qualities. I remember, in one of the hundred 
 books which I had read that summer, there was one 
 exceedingly passionate hero with thick eyebrows, and I 
 was so anxious to resemble him in appearance (I felt 
 myself morally to be his equal) that when I looked at my 
 eyebrows in the mirror, I decided to cut them a httle that 
 they might grow out thicker ; but when I began to cut 
 them, I accidently cut too much in one spot, and it was 
 necessary to even them up ; to my terror I noticed in the 
 mirror that I had lost my eyebrows altogether, and, con- 
 sequently, was very ill-looking. But hoping that my 
 brows would soon grow out thick as in a passionate man, 
 I consoled myself, and was only disconcerted as to what 
 to say to my people when they should see me without 
 eyebrows. I got some powder from Volddya, rubbed it 
 into my eyebrows and burnt it. Although the powder
 
 MY OCCUPATIONS 387 
 
 did not flash up, I sufficiently resembled one who is 
 burnt, and no one discovered my cunning; and really, 
 when I had entirely forgotten about the passionate man, 
 my eyebrows grew much thicker.
 
 XXXI. 
 
 COMME IL FAUT 
 
 In the course of this narrative I have frequently hinted 
 at the conception which corresponds to this French title, 
 and now I feel myself constrained to devote a whole chap- 
 ter to the conception that was one of the most disastrous 
 and false ideas with which I was inoculated by educa- 
 tion and society. 
 
 The human race may be divided into a variety of 
 classes, — into rich and poor, good and bad, soldiers and 
 citizens, wise and foolish, and so on ; but every man 
 invariably has a favourite chief classification of his own, 
 in which he unconsciously places every new person. My 
 chief and favourite classification at the time of which I 
 am writing was into people comme il faut and comme il 
 ne faut pas. The second division was subdivided into 
 people more particularly not comme il faut, and into the 
 common people. I respected people comme il faut, and 
 considered them worthy of being on an equality of rela- 
 tions with me ; I pretended a contempt for the second, 
 but in reality hated them, cherishing against them an 
 offended feeling of personality ; the third did not exist for 
 me, — I disregarded them entirely. My comme il faut 
 consisted, first and foremost, in the use of an excellent 
 French, more especially in the pronunciation. A man 
 who pronounced French badly immediately provoked a 
 feeling of hatred in me. " Why do you attempt to speak 
 as we do, if you do not know how ? " I asked him men- 
 
 388
 
 COMME IL FAUT 389 
 
 tally, with a venomous smile. The second condition for 
 covime il faut consisted in long, manicured, and clean 
 nails. The third was the ability to curtsey, dance, and 
 converse. The fourth, and this was very important, was 
 an indifference to everything, and a constant expression 
 of a certain elegant, supercilious ennui. In addition to 
 these, I had common signs, by which I decided to what 
 category a man belonged, even without speaking with him. 
 My chief sign, outside of the room, gloves, handwriting, 
 and carriage, were the feet. The relation of a man's boots 
 to his pantaloons at once decided in my eyes his standing. 
 Boots without heels, with sharp tips, and narrow borders 
 of the pantaloons without straps, — that was a common 
 man ; boots with narrow round tips, and with heels, and 
 pantaloons with narrow borders and straps, tightly fitting 
 the legs, or broad, with straps standing out hke canopies 
 over the tips, — that was a man mauvais genre, and so 
 forth. 
 
 It is strange that this conception of comme il faut 
 should have become such a part of me, for I myself did 
 not possess the least fitness for it. And, maybe, it took 
 such strong possession of me, for the very reason that it 
 cost me such effort to acquire this eomme il faut. It is 
 terrible to think how much invaluable time of my seven- 
 teenth year I wasted on the acquisition of this quality. 
 It seemed to me that all those whom I imitated, Volodya, 
 Dubkov, and the larger part of my acquaintances, learned 
 it with ease. I looked at them with envy, and quietly 
 worked at my French, at the art of bowing without look- 
 ing at the person to whom I bowed, at the art of convers- 
 ing and dancing, at evolving in myself an indifference to 
 everything and ennui, at my nails, cutting my flesh to the 
 quick with scissors, — and I still felt that there was much 
 labour left before I should reach the goal. My room, my 
 writing-desk, my carriage, — all that I was unable to 
 arrange in such a way as to be comme il faut, although,
 
 390 YOUTH 
 
 in spite of my disinclination for practical work, I laboured 
 very hard over it. With others everything seemed to go 
 right, without the least effort, as though it could not be 
 otherwise. 
 
 I remember how once, after a prolonged and vain effort 
 over my nails, I asked Dubkdv, whose nails were remark- 
 ably beautiful, how long they had been in that shape, and 
 how he had managed it, Dubkdv answered me : " As far 
 back as I can remember myself, I have done nothing to 
 make them so, and I cannot understand how a decent fel- 
 low can have any other nails." This answer grieved me 
 very much. I did not know at that time that one of the 
 chief conditions of comme il faut was secrecy in regard to 
 the labours by which this comme il faut is acquired. 
 
 Comme il faut was for me not only an important merit, 
 a beautiful quality, a perfection, which I wished to obtain, 
 but it was a necessary condition of hfe, without which 
 there could be no happiness, no glory, nothing good in the 
 world. I should not have respected a famous artist, a 
 savant, a benefactor of the human race, if he were not 
 comme il faut. A man comme il faut stood beyond com- 
 parison higher than they ; he left it to them to paint, 
 compose music, write books, and do good, he even praised 
 them for it, — why not praise the good wherever it may 
 be found ? — but he could not place himself on the same 
 level with them, for he was comme il faut, and they were 
 not, — and that was enough. It seems to me that if I 
 had had a brother, mother, or father who were not comme 
 il faut, I should have said that it was a misfortune, and 
 that there could be nothing in common between me and 
 them. 
 
 But not the loss of the golden time, which was 
 employed on the assiduous task of preserving all the diffi- 
 cult conditions of the comme il faut, that excluded every 
 serious application, nor the hatred and contempt for nine- 
 teiiths of the human race, nor the absence of any interest
 
 COMME IL FAUT 391 
 
 in all the beauty that existed outside that circle of comme 
 il faut, was the greatest evil which this conception caused 
 me. The greatest evil consisted in the conviction that 
 comme il faut was an independent position in society, that 
 a man did not have to try to be an official, or a carriage- 
 maker, or a soldier, or a learned man, if he was comme il 
 faut ; that, having reached that position, he had already 
 fulfilled his purpose, and even stood higher than most 
 people. 
 
 At a certain period of his youth, every man, after many 
 blunders and transports, generally faces the necessity of 
 taking an active part in social life, chooses some depart- 
 ment of labour, and devotes himself to it ; but this seldom 
 happens with the man who is comme il faut. I know 
 many, very many old, proud, self-confident people, sharp 
 in their judgments, who to the question which may be 
 given in the next world, " Who are you ? And what 
 have you been doing there ? " would not be able to 
 answer otherwise than : " Je fus un homme tres comme il 
 faut." 
 
 This fate awaited me.
 
 XXXII. 
 
 YOUTH 
 
 In spite of the jumble of ideas which took place in my 
 head, I was in those years young, innocent, and free, and, 
 therefore, almost happy. 
 
 At times I rose early, and this happened quite often. 
 I slept in the open on the terrace, and the bright, slanting 
 rays of the morning sun woke me. I dressed myself in a 
 hurry, took a towel under my arms, and a French novel, 
 and went to take a bath in the river, in the shade of a 
 birch forest, which was but half a verst from the house. 
 There I lay down in the grass in the shade and read, now 
 and then tearing my eyes away from the book, in order to 
 glance at the surface of the river which was violet in the 
 shade, and began to ripple in the morning breeze, at 
 the field of yellowing rye on the opposite bank, at the 
 bright red light of the morning rays, painting ever lower 
 the white trunks of the birches which, hiding one behind 
 the other, passed away from me into the distance of the 
 thick forest, and I enjoyed the consciousness of just such 
 a fresh, young power of life as Nature was breathing all 
 around me. When there were early gray cloudlets in the 
 sky, and I felt chilled after my bath, I frequently walked 
 across fields and through woods, regardless of roads, and 
 with enjoyment wet my feet through my boots in the 
 fresh dew. At that time I had vivid dreams about 
 the heroes of my latest novel, and I imagined myself now 
 
 392
 
 YOUTH 893 
 
 a general, now a minister, now an extraordinary strong 
 man, now a passionate person, and with a certain thrill 
 continually looked about me, in the hope of suddenly 
 meeting her in the clearing or behind a tree. 
 
 When, in these walks, I came across peasants working, 
 I, in spite of the fact that the common people did not ex- 
 ist for me, experienced an unconscious strong trepidation, 
 and tried not to be seen by them. When it grew warmer, 
 and the ladies had not yet come out for tea, I walked into 
 the orchard or garden to eat the fruits and vegetables 
 which were ripe. This occupation afforded me one of my 
 greatest pleasures. I would go to the apple orchard, and 
 there lose myself in the midst of a high tangle of rasp- 
 berry bushes. Above my head was the bright, hot sky, 
 and around me the pale green, prickly verdure of the 
 raspberry bushes, intermingled with rank weeds. The 
 dark green nettles, with their thin flowering tops, towered 
 upwards in serried ranks ; the claw-shaped burdocks, with 
 their unnaturally violet prickly flowers, grew raukly above 
 the raspberry bushes and higher than my head, and here 
 and there, together with the nettles, reached up to the 
 spreading, pale green branches of the old apple-trees, where, 
 far above, the round, green apples, shining like ivory balls, 
 were ripening against the hot sun. Below, a young rasp- 
 berry bush, almost dried up and without leaves, winding, 
 tended toward the sun ; the green, needle-shaped grass 
 and the young sage, bursting through the last year's dew- 
 drenched leaves, grew luxuriantly in the eternal shade, as 
 if they did not know that the sun was playing brightly on 
 the leaves of the apple-tree. 
 
 In this thicket it was always damp, and there was an 
 odour of dense, permanent shade, of cobwebs, of rotting 
 apples that lay black on the damp earth, of raspberries, 
 and, at times, also of chermes which I accidentally swal- 
 lowed with a raspberry and washed down by quickly eat- 
 ing another berry. In moving ahead I frightened some
 
 394 YOUTH 
 
 sparrows that always live in such thickets, and heard their 
 hasty twittering and the strokes of their tiny, swift wings 
 against the branches, and the buzzing of a honey bee in 
 one spot, and, somewhere on the path, the steps of the 
 gardener, Akira the fool, and his eternal mumbling. I 
 thought, " No, neither he, nor any one else in the world, 
 will find me here," — and with both hands I picked right 
 and left the juicy berries from the white conical pedicels, 
 and with avidity swallowed one after another. My legs, 
 even above my knees, were wet through and through ; my 
 head was filled with some terrible nonsense (I mentally 
 repeated, a thousand times in succession : " A-a-and twe- 
 e-enty a-a-and se-e-even ") ; my arms and legs were stung 
 through my wet clothes by the nettles; my head was 
 burnt by the direct rays of the sun that penetrated 
 through the thicket ; I had long satisfied my hunger, and 
 still I remained in the thicket, looking around, listening, 
 meditating, and mechanically picking and swallowing 
 some choice berry. 
 
 At about eleven o'clock I generally went to the draw- 
 ing-room, usually after tea, when the ladies were sitting at 
 their work. Near the first window, shaded from the sun 
 by its unbleached canvas blind, through the rents of 
 which the glaring sun cast such shining fiery circles on 
 everything it struck that it was painful to look at them, 
 stood an embroidery-frame, over the white linen of which 
 leisurely walked some flies. Mimi sat at the frame, con- 
 tinually shrugging her head in anger, and moving from 
 place to place, to escape the sun which, suddenly bursting 
 through, cast a fiery strip now here, now there, upon her 
 hand or face. Through the other three windows fell 
 bright, perfect parallelograms, encased in the shadow of 
 the window-frames ; on the unpainted floor of the room, 
 Milka, true to her old habit, lay on one of these parallel- 
 ograms and, pricking her ears, watched the flies that 
 walked over it. Kdtenka was knitting or reading, while
 
 YOUTH 395 
 
 seated on the sofa, and impatiently warded off the flies 
 with her white hauds, which appeared translucent in the 
 suu, or, frowning, shook her head in order to drive out a 
 fly that had lost itself in her thick golden hair. Lyii- 
 boclika paced the room, with her hands behind her back, 
 waiting for us all to go to the garden, or played on the 
 piano a piece, every note of which had long been familiar 
 to me. I seated myself somewhere, listening to her music 
 or to the reading, and waited for a chance to sit down at 
 the piano myself. 
 
 After 'dinner I sometimes honoured the girls with my 
 presence in their horseback rides (to walk I regarded as 
 incompatible with my years and position in the world). 
 Our outings — when I took them to unusual places and 
 ravines — were very pleasant. At times accidents hap- 
 pened to us, when I showed myself a brave fellow, and the 
 ladies praised my riding and my daring, and considered 
 me their protector. In the evening we drank tea in the 
 shady veranda, and, if there were no guests, I took a walk 
 with papa to inspect the estate, and then lay down in my 
 old place, the large armchair, and, listening to Katenka's 
 or Lyubochka's music, read a book and at the same time 
 mused as of old. 
 
 At times, when I was left alone in the drawing-room, 
 while Lyubochka was playing some ancient piece of music, 
 I involuntarily put down my book, and gazed through 
 the open door of the balcony, at the curly pendent 
 branches of the tall birches, upon which the evening 
 shadows were falling, and at the clear sky, on which, 
 upon looking fixedly at it, there seemed to appear and 
 disappear a dusty, yellowish spot ; and I listened to the 
 music in the parlour, the creak of the gate, the voices of 
 the peasant women, and the returning herds in the 
 village, — and I suddenly thought of Nat^lya Sdvishna, 
 and mamma, and Karl Ivanovich, and for a moment felt 
 sad. But my soul was at that time so full of life and
 
 396 YOUTH 
 
 hopes, that this reminiscence only touched me with its 
 pinion, and flew off again. 
 
 After supper, and, at times, after an evening stroll with 
 some one through the garden, — I was afraid to walk by 
 myself through the dark avenues, — I went to sleep alone 
 on the floor of the veranda, which afforded me great 
 pleasure, in spite of the milHons of mosquitoes that 
 devoured me. When there was a full moon, I frequently 
 passed the whole night sitting on my mattress, gazing at 
 the light and shadows, listening to the silence and to the 
 sounds, dreaming about all kinds of subjects, especially 
 about the poetical, voluptuous happiness that then seemed 
 to me to be the greatest happiness of life, and repining 
 because until then it had been my fate only to imagine 
 it. When all the people went to their rooms, and the 
 hghts of the drawing-room were transferred to the upper 
 chambers, where the feminine voices and the noise of 
 opening and closing windows could be heard, I used to 
 repair to the veranda, and walk to and fro there, eagerly 
 listening to all the sounds of the house falling asleep. As 
 long as there was the least, causeless hope for even an 
 imperfect happiness of the kind I was dreaming of, I was 
 not able calmly to construe the imaginary happiness. 
 
 At every sound of bare feet, of coughing, sighing, slam- 
 ming a window, rustle of dresses, I jumped up from my 
 bed, stealthily listened and watched, and for no apparent 
 cause became agitated. But now the lights went out in 
 the upper windows ; the sounds of steps and talking were 
 exchanged for the sound of snoring ; the watchman began 
 to strike the board in the night fashion ; the garden grew 
 both brighter and more gloomy, when the streaks of red 
 light disappeared from the windows ; the last light passed 
 from the buffet-room to the antechamber, throwing a 
 bright streak over the dewy garden, and I saw through 
 the window the stooping figure of Fdka, who, in his jacket, 
 and with a candle in his hand, was going to his bed.
 
 YOUTH 397 
 
 I often found a great, agitating pleasure in stealing over 
 the damp grass in the black shadow of the house to the 
 window of the antechamber, in order to listen breathlessly 
 to the snoring of the boy, to the moans of F6ka, who did 
 not suspect that anybody was listening to him, and to 
 the sound of his feeble voice, as he was saying his prayers. 
 At last his candle, too, was blown out ; the window was 
 slammed to ; I was left all alone, and timidly looking about 
 me, hoping to see a white woman somewhere in the flower- 
 garden or near my bed, I ran at full speed up to the 
 veranda. Then I lay down on my bed, facing the garden, 
 and, protecting myself as much as possible against mos- 
 quitoes and bats, looked into the garden, hstened to the 
 sounds of the night, and dreamt of love and happiness. 
 
 Then, everything came to have a new meaning for me : 
 the sight of the ancient birches, which, on one side 
 glistened in the moonlit sky with their curly branches, 
 and, on the other, gloomily shrouded the bushes and the 
 road with their dark shadows ; and the quiet, rich sheen 
 of the pond, evenly growing, like sound ; and the moonht 
 glitter of the dewdrops on the flowers in front of the 
 veranda, casting their graceful shadows across the gray 
 flower box : and the sound of the quail beyond the pond ; 
 and the voice of a man on the highway ; and the quiet, 
 scarcely audible creaking of two old birches grating against 
 each other ; and the buzzing of a mosquito above my ear, 
 under the coverlet ; and the fall of an apple, caught in 
 the branches, upon the dry leaves ; and the leaping of the 
 frogs that now and then came up to the steps of the 
 terrace, and mysteriously glistened in the moon with their 
 greenish backs, — all that had a new, strange meaning 
 for me, — a meaning of some extraordinary beauty and 
 unfinished happiness. And then she appeared with her 
 dark black braid, and swelling bosom, always sad and beau- 
 tiful, with bared arms, with voluptuous embraces. She 
 loved me, and I sacrified all my life for one minute of her
 
 398 YOUTH 
 
 love. And the moon rose higher and higher, and stood 
 brighter and brighter in the heavens, the rich sheen of 
 the pond, evenly growing, hke sound, became more and 
 more distinct, the shadows became blacker and blacker, 
 and the Hght ever more transparent ; and as I looked at 
 all that and listened, something told me that she, with 
 her bared arms and passionate embraces, was very far 
 from being all the happiness in the world, that the love 
 for her was very far from being all the bliss; and the 
 more I looked at the full moon up on high, the higher did 
 true beauty and goodness appear to me, and purer and 
 nearer to Him, the source of all that is beautiful and 
 good, and tears of an unsatisfied, but stirring joy stood in 
 my eyes. 
 
 And I was all alone, and it seemed to me that mys- 
 terious, majestic Nature, the attractive bright disk of the 
 moon, which had for some reason stopped in one high, 
 undefined place of the pale blue sky, and yet stood every- 
 where and, as it were, filled all the immeasurable space, 
 and I, insignificant worm, defiled already by all petty, 
 wretched human passions, but with all the immeasurable, 
 mighty power of love, — it seemed to me in those minutes 
 that Nature, and the moon, and I were one and the same.
 
 XXXIII. 
 
 NEIGHBOURS 
 
 I WAS very much surprised when, on the day of our 
 arrival, papa called our neighbours, the EpiMnovs, excel- 
 lent people, and still more so when I heard that he 
 called upon them. The Epifanovs and we had for a long 
 time been at law for a certain tract of land. When I 
 was a child I used to hear papa getting angry on account 
 of this litigation, scolding the Epifdnovs, and calling in 
 different people, in order to defend himself against them, 
 as I thought. I heard Ydkov calhng them our enemies 
 and "black people," and I remember mamma's asking 
 that even the name of these people should not be men- 
 tioned in her house and in her presence. 
 
 From these data I formed in my childhood such a firm 
 and clear idea that the Epifanovs were our enemies, who 
 were ready to cut the throats not only of papa, but also 
 of his son, if he ever fell into their hands, and that 
 they were in the literal sense " black people," that when 
 I saw, the year mother died, Avdotya Vasilevna Epifanov, 
 la belle Flamande, taking care of mother, I could not 
 bring myself to believe that she belonged to a family 
 of black people. StiU, I retained a very low opinion of 
 that family. Although we frequently saw each other 
 during that summer, I continued to be strangely preju- 
 diced against them. In reality, these were the Epifanovs : 
 their family consisted of a mother, a fifty-year-old 
 widow, who was a well preserved and happy old woman, 
 
 399
 
 400 YOUTH 
 
 her beautiful daughter, Avd6tya Vasilevna, aud her 
 stuttering son, Peter Vasilevich, an unmarried ex-heuten- 
 ant, a man of very serious character. 
 
 Anna Dmitrievna Epifanov had lived separated from 
 her husband for the last twenty years of his life, staying 
 now in St. Petersburg, where she had some relatives, but 
 mostly in her village of Mytishchi, which was about 
 three versts from us. They used to tell such terrible 
 things about her manner of life that Messahna was an 
 innocent child in comparison with her. It was for this 
 that mother had asked that her name should not be 
 mentioned in her house ; but, without being at all ironical, 
 one could not believe even one-tenth of this most maU- 
 cious of all gossips, the gossip of country neighbours. 
 
 When I became acquainted with Anna Dmitrievna, 
 there was nothing resembling that which was still told 
 of her, though there lived in her house an office clerk, 
 Mityusha, a serf, who during dinner stood, pomaded and 
 spruce, in a coat made in the Circassian fashion, behind 
 Anna Dmitrievna's chair, and she frequently invited her 
 guests in French to admire his beautiful eyes and mouth. 
 It seems that Anna Dmitrievna had entirely changed 
 her mode of life when, ten years before, she had ordered 
 her dutiful son Petrilsha to leave the service and come 
 home. Anna Dmitrievna's estate was small, — in all 
 about one hundred souls, — and during her gay life there 
 were great expenses, so that ten years before, her mort- 
 gaged and remortgaged property was forfeited and to be 
 sold at auction without fail. Under these extreme cir- 
 cumstances Anna Dmitrievna supposed that the receiver- 
 ship, the invoice of the property, the arrival of the 
 officers, and similar annoyances were due not so much to 
 the failure in paying the interest as to the fact that she 
 was a woman ; so she wrote to her son that he should 
 come and save his mother in this predicament. Although 
 everything in his service went so well that he soon
 
 NEIGHBOURS 401 
 
 expected to earn his own bread, he threw up everything, 
 asked for his discharge, and, hke a dutiful son who 
 regarded it as his first duty to comfort his own mother 
 (as he very frankly wrote to her), came down to the 
 estate. 
 
 Peter VasQevich was, in spite of his homely face, 
 gawkiness, and stuttering, a man of exceedingly firm 
 character and unusually practical mind. By petty loans, 
 investments, prayers, and promises he managed to keep 
 the estate. Having become a landed proprietor, Peter 
 Vasilevich donned his father's wadded coat, which had 
 been kept in the storeroom, did away with the carriages 
 and horses, taught the guests not to visit Mytishchi, and 
 fixed the ditches, increased the ploughed area, diminished 
 the land of the peasants, cut down the timber with his 
 own men and sold it advantageously, and improved 
 affairs. Peter Vasilevich vowed, and he kept his word, not 
 to wear anything but his father's wadded coat, and a 
 sail-cloth ulster which he had made for himself, nor to 
 travel otherwise than in a cart with peasant horses, until 
 all the debts should be paid. He endeavoured to extend 
 this stoical manner of life to his whole family, so far as 
 his servile respect for his mother, which he considered his 
 duty, permitted him to. In the drawing-room he stutter- 
 ingly worshipped his mother, fulfilled all her wishes, and 
 scolded the servants if they did not do what she had 
 commanded ; but in his cabinet and in the office he was 
 very exacting, if a duck had been taken to the table with- 
 out his permission, or a peasant had been sent by order 
 of Anna Dmitrievna to ask about a neighbour's health, 
 or peasant girls were told to go to the woods to pick 
 berries, when they ought to have been in the garden, 
 weeding. 
 
 Four years later all the debts were paid, and Peter 
 Vasilevich, who had gone to St. Petersburg, returned from 
 there in a new suit and in a tarantas. In spite of this
 
 402 YOUTH 
 
 flourishing state of affairs, he kept the same stoical in- 
 clinations, of which he seemed gloomily to boast before 
 his own people and before strangers, and he used to say, 
 stammering, " He who is anxious to see me will be glad to 
 see me in a sheepskin, and will eat my cabbage soup and 
 buckwheat porridge. I eat them," he added. In every 
 word and movement of his was expressed pride, which 
 was based on the conviction that he had sacrificed him- 
 self for his mother and had saved the estate, and a con- 
 tempt for others if they had not done something similar. 
 
 The mother and the daughter were of entirely different 
 character, and in many things dissimilar to each other. 
 The mother was one of the most agreeable women in 
 society, always equally kindly and gay. Everything 
 pleasing and joyful gave her genuine happiness. Even 
 the faculty of enjoying the sight of merrymaking young 
 people, a characteristic which is met with only in the 
 case of the kindhest old people, was highly developed 
 in her. Her daughter, Avddtya Vasilevna, was, on the 
 contrary, of a serious turn of mind, or rather of that 
 indifferently absent-minded and groundlessly haughty 
 character which is so common in unmarried beauties. 
 When she tried to be mirthful, her merriment was of 
 a peculiar sort : it looked as though she made fun of her- 
 self, or of the person to whom she was speaking, or of 
 the whole world, which she certainly did not mean to do. 
 I often wondered, and asked myself what it was she 
 intended to say when she used such phrases as: "Yes, 
 I am awfully beautiful ; why, of course, everybody loves 
 me," and so forth. 
 
 Anna Dmitrievna was always active : she had a passion 
 for arranging her house and garden, for flowers, canaries, 
 and pretty trifles. Her rooms and garden were small and 
 simple, but everything was fixed so precisely and neatly, 
 and so bore that common character of facile mirth which 
 is expressed in a pretty waltz or polka, that the word
 
 NEIGHBOURS 403 
 
 " toy," which was frequently used by her guests to praise 
 things, exactly fitted Anna Dmitrievna's garden and rooms. 
 Anna Dmitrievna herself was a toy, — small, thin, with a 
 fresh colour in her face, with pretty little hands, always 
 happy and becomingly dressed. Only the dark violet 
 veins which stood out too much in relief upon her small 
 hands destroyed this ensemble. 
 
 Avd6tya Vasilevna, on the contrary, hardly ever did 
 anything, and not only did not care to busy herself with 
 any trifles or flowers, but even cared very httle about her- 
 self, and always ran away to get dressed when guests 
 arrived. But when she came back in her fine clothes she 
 was uncommonly beautiful, with the exception of a cold 
 and monotonous expression of the eyes and the smile 
 which is to be found in all very beautiful persons. Her 
 severely regular and comely face and her stately figure 
 seemed to be saying all the time, " If you please, you may 
 look at me ! " 
 
 Yet, in spite of the lively character of the mother and 
 the indifferent, absent-minded appearance of the daughter, 
 something told you that the first one had never before, 
 nor even then, loved anything, except that which was 
 pretty and jolly, and that Avdotya Vasilevna was one of 
 those natures who, when they once fall in love, sacrifice 
 all their life to him whom they love.
 
 XXXIV. 
 
 father's marriage 
 
 Father was forty-eight years old when he married for 
 the second time. His wife was Avddtya Vasilevna 
 Epifanov. 
 
 Having arrived at the estate in the spring, all alone 
 with the girls, papa, I imagine, was in that agitated, 
 happy, and communicative frame of mind which generally 
 comes over gamblers who stop playing after some great 
 winnings. He felt that he had much unexpended happi- 
 ness left, which he could make use of for successes in hfe 
 in general, if he no longer wished to utiHze it in cards. 
 Besides, it was spring, he unexpectedly had a large sum 
 of money, he was alone, and sufifered ennuL When he 
 talked to Yakov about affairs and recalled the endless liti- 
 gation with the Epifanovs, and fair Avddtya Vasile\Tia, 
 whom he had not seen for a long time, I imagine his hav- 
 ing said to Ydkov : " Do you know, Ydkov KharUmpych, 
 rather than bother much longer about this litigation, I 
 have a mind to let them have that accursed piece of land. 
 Well, what do you think of it ? " 
 
 I imagine how YdkoVs fingers twitched negatively 
 behind his back at such a question, and how he proved 
 that " all the same, our cause is just, Peter Aleks^ndrovich." 
 
 But papa ordered his carriage out, donned his fashionable 
 ohve wadded coat, combed what was left of his hair, 
 sprinkled some perfume on his handkerchief, and in the 
 happiest frame of mind, produced by his conviction that 
 
 404
 
 father's marriage 405 
 
 he was acting like a great gentlemau, but especially by 
 the hope that he would see a beautiful woman, drove over 
 to his neighbour's. 
 
 All I know is that papa did not upon his first visit find 
 Peter Vasilevich at home, for he was in the field, but 
 passed an hour with the ladies. I imagine how profuse 
 he was in civilities, how he charmed them, tapping his 
 soft boot, hsping, and casting tender glances. I imagine, 
 too, how the gay old woman suddenly took a liking for 
 him, and how her fair, cold daughter suddenly became 
 enlivened. 
 
 When a servant-girl came running out of breath to 
 announce that old Irt^nev himself was calling at the 
 house, I imagine how Peter Vasilevich answered, angrily, 
 " What of it, if he is ? " and how he in consequence thereof 
 went home as slowly as possible ; how, upon arriving in 
 his cabinet, he purposely put on the dirtiest overcoat and 
 sent word to the cook not to dare add anything to the 
 dinner, even if the ladies did command him to. 
 
 Later I frequently saw papa with Epifanov, therefore 
 I can vividly represent to myself that first meeting. I 
 imagine how, in spite of papa's proposition to settle the 
 htigation by arbitration, Peter Vasilevich was sullen and 
 angry, because he had sacrificed his career for his mother, 
 while papa had done nothing of the kind ; how nothing 
 surprised him ; and how papa, disregarding his sullenness, 
 was playful and merry, and treated him like a wonderful 
 joker, which partly offended Peter Vasilevich, and partly 
 made him surrender in spite of himself. Papa, with his 
 tendency to turn everything into a joke, called Peter Vasi- 
 levich colonel, and although Epifanov once in my presence 
 remarked, stuttering worse than ever and blushing from 
 annoyance, that he was not a colonel, but a heutenant, 
 papa called him colonel again five minutes later. 
 
 Lyubochka told me that, before our arrival in the 
 country, they had met the Epifanovs daily, and had very
 
 406 YOUTH 
 
 pleasant times with them. Papa, with his customary 
 cleverness in arranging things originally, entertainingly, 
 and at the same time simply and elegantly, gave now 
 hunting parties, now angling parties, now firework dis- 
 plays, at which the Epifanovs were present, "And it 
 would have been even more enjoyable if it were not for 
 that intolerable Peter Vasilevich, who was sullen, and stut- 
 tered, and spoiled everything," said Lyiibochka. 
 
 Since our arrival, the Epifdnovs had called but twice, 
 and once we went to see them. After St. Peter's Day, 
 father's name-day, when they and a large number of guests 
 called, our relations with the Epifanovs for some reason 
 or other were completely stopped, and only papa con- 
 tinued to visit them. 
 
 This is what I noticed in the short time in which I saw 
 papa together with Diinichka, as her mother called her. 
 Papa was continually in that happy frame of mind by 
 which I was struck on the day of our arrival. He was so 
 merry, young, full of life, and happy, that the beams of 
 that happiness extended to all those who surrounded him 
 and involuntarily communicated the same disposition to 
 them. He never stirred a step from Avddtya Vasilevna 
 when she was in the room, continually paid her such 
 sweet compliments that I was ashamed for him, or, look- 
 ing at her in silence, jerked his shoulder in an impassioned 
 and self-satisfied manner, and coughed, or, smiling, at times 
 spoke to her in a whisper; and he did all this with an 
 expression which said, "I am just jesting," which was 
 characteristic of him in the most serious affairs. 
 
 Avddtya Vasilevna seemed to have appropriated from 
 papa the expression of happiness which almost uninter- 
 ruptedly shone in her large blue eyes, except in those 
 moments when she was seized by fits of bashfulness, so 
 that I, who knew that feeling well, felt sorry and pained 
 for her. At such moments she apparently was afraid of 
 every glance and motion, thinking that everybody looked
 
 father's marriage 407 
 
 at her, thought of her alone, and found everything about 
 her wrong. She looked timidly at every one, the colour 
 of her cheeks kept changing, and she began to speak 
 loudly and boldly, mostly silly things, and she felt that 
 papa and everybody heard them, and blushed even more. 
 Ikit papa did not notice her insipidities under these cir- 
 cumstances, and continued to watch her with the same 
 impassioned, mirthful ecstasy, coughing now and then. I 
 noticed that, although Avdotya Vasilevna was taken by 
 fits of bashfuluess without any cause whatsoever, these 
 sometimes followed soon after papa's mentioning some 
 young and beautiful woman. Her frequent changes from 
 pensiveness to that kind of strange, uneasy merriment of 
 which I spoke before, the repetition of papa's favourite 
 words and turns of speech, the continuation with others 
 of conversations which were begun with papa, — all that 
 would have explained to me papa's relations with Avdotya 
 Vasilevna, if the dramatis jjersona had been another than 
 papa, and I a httle older ; but at that time I did not sus- 
 pect anything, even when papa was very much put out by 
 a letter which he had received from Peter Vasilevich, and 
 stopped calling upon them until the end of August. 
 
 Toward the end of August he again started to visit his 
 neighbours, and on the day preceding our (Yolddya's and 
 mine) departure for Moscow, he announced to us that he 
 was about to marry Avdotya Vasilevna Epifauov,
 
 XXXV. 
 
 HOW WE RECEIVED THE NEWS 
 
 On the day preceding that official announcement, every- 
 hody in the house knew and judged variously of this 
 affair. Mimi did not leave her room all day, and wept. 
 Katenka sat with her and came out only to dinner, with an 
 offended expression on her face, which she obviously had 
 adopted from her mother; Lyiibochka, on the contrary, 
 was very merry, and said at dinner that she knew an 
 excellent secret, but that she would not tell it to anybody. 
 
 " There is nothing excellent in your secret," rephed 
 Volddya, who did not share her pleasure. " If you were 
 able to think seriously about matters, you would under- 
 stand that this is, on the contrary, very bad." 
 
 Lyiibochka looked fixedly at him in amazement, and 
 grew silent. 
 
 After dinner Volodya wanted to take my hand, but, 
 becoming frightened, no doubt, lest it should be considered 
 a tenderness, only touched my elbow, and beckoned to me 
 to come to the parlour. 
 
 " Do you know the secret of which Lyiibochka was 
 speaking?" he said to me when he was sure we were 
 alone. 
 
 We rarely spoke without witnesses, or at all seriously 
 about anything, so that when this happened we both felt 
 ill at ease, and, as Vol(5dya used to say, little imps began 
 to jump up and down in our eyes ; but this time he, in 
 answer to the confusion which was expressed in my face, 
 
 408
 
 now WE KECEIVED TUE NEWS 409 
 
 continued to look fixedly and seriously at me, with an 
 expression which said : " There is nothing to get confused 
 about ; we are brothers after all, and ought to consult 
 together about an important family matter." I understood 
 him, and he continued : 
 
 " Papa is about to marry Miss Epifauov, you know ? " 
 
 I nodded, because I had already heard about it. 
 
 " It is very unfortunate," continued Volodya. 
 
 " Why ? " 
 
 " Why ? " he answered, annoyed. " It is a great pleas- 
 ure to have such a stammerer of an uncle as the colonel, 
 and all that family. And she herself just now seems 
 kind and all that, but who knows what she will be later ? 
 To us, I must say, it does not make much difference, but 
 Lyiibochka must soon make her d^but in society. With 
 such a belle-mere it is not especially pleasant ; she even 
 speaks poor French, and what manners can she teach 
 her ? A poissarde, and nothing else ; I admit she is 
 kind, but a poissarde all the same," concluded Volodya, 
 evidently very much satisfied with the appellation "pois- 
 sarde." 
 
 However strange it was to hear Volodya judging papa's 
 choice so deliberately, I thought he was right. 
 
 " But why does papa marry ? " I asked. 
 
 " That is a mysterious story, God knows. I only know 
 that Peter Vasilevich advised him to marry and insisted 
 upon it, and that papa did not want to, and then he took 
 a fancy, — a kind of chivalry ; it is a mysterious story. I 
 have just begun to understand father," continued Volodya 
 (it stung me to the quick to hear him say " father " instead 
 of " papa "). " He is a fine man, good and kind, but so friv- 
 olous and changeable — it is remarkable ! He cannot look 
 in cold blood at a woman. You know yourself, there is not 
 a woman he knows with whom he is not in love. You 
 know, Mimi too." 
 
 " You don't say ? "
 
 410 YOUTH 
 
 "I tell you I lately found out he was in love with 
 Mimi when she was young, and he wrote her verses, and 
 there was something between them." And Vol6dya 
 laughed. 
 
 " Impossible ! " I said in wonderment. 
 
 " But the main thing," continued Vol6dya, again seri- 
 ously, and suddenly speaking in French, " all our relatives 
 will be just delighted with this marriage ! And, no 
 doubt, she will have children." 
 
 I was so impressed by Vol6dya's common sense and 
 foresight, that I did not know what to reply. 
 
 Just then Lytibochka stepped up to us. 
 
 " So you know ? " she asked, with a happy face. 
 
 " Yes," said Vol6dya, " only I wonder, Lyiibochka, — 
 you are not a baby in swaddUng-clothes : what joy can it 
 be for you that papa is to marry a slut ? " 
 
 Lyiibochka suddenly looked serious, and fell to thinking. 
 
 " Volodya, why slut ? How dare you speak thus of 
 Avdotya Vasilevna? If papa marries her, she cannot 
 be a slut." 
 
 " Well, not a slut ; I was just saying that, still — " 
 
 " Don't say ' still,' " Lyiibochka interrupted him, ex- 
 citedly. " I did not say that the young lady with whom 
 you were in love was a slut. How can you speak thus 
 of papa and of an excellent woman ? Though you are 
 the eldest brother, you must not talk this way to me." 
 
 " But why may one not discuss — " 
 
 " You dare not discuss," Lyiibochka again interrupted 
 him. " You dare not discuss such a father as ours. 
 Mimi may, but not you, our elder brother." 
 
 " No, you do not understand anything yet," said 
 Vol6dya, contemptuously. "Well, is it good that a 
 Diinichka Epifdnov should take the place of your deceased 
 mamma ? " 
 
 Lyiibochka grew silent for a moment, and suddenly 
 tears appeared in her eyes.
 
 now WE KECEIVED THE NEWS 411 
 
 " I knew that you were haughty, but I did not think 
 you would be quite so bad," she said, and went away 
 from us. 
 
 " Into the roll," said Volddya, with a serio-comic face 
 and dull eyes. " Go and discuss with them," he con- 
 tinued, as if in self-reproach for having forgotten himself 
 so far as to condescend to talk to Lyubochka. 
 
 The next day the weather was bad, and neither papa 
 nor the ladies were down to tea, when I walked into the 
 drawing-room. In the night there had been a cold 
 autumn drizzle ; over the sky scudded the remainders of 
 the cloud which had been exhausted in the night, and 
 the sun, which stood quite high in the heavens, glim- 
 mered faintly through it. It was windy, damp, and 
 chilly. The door into the garden was open ; on the floor 
 of the terrace, black with the dampness, were drying up 
 some puddles of the night rain. The open door, driven 
 by the wind, tugged at the iron hook ; the paths were 
 damp and dirty ; the old birches with their bared white 
 boughs, the shrubs and the gi-ass, the nettles, the currant 
 bushes, and the elders, with the pale sides of the leaves 
 turned outwards, swayed in one spot and seemed to be 
 anxious to tear themselves away from their roots ; from 
 the Unden avenue came flying round yeUow leaves, 
 whirling and racing against each other, and, when they 
 grew wet, lodging in the moist path and in the moist, 
 dark green aftermath of the meadow. 
 
 My thoughts were busy with the coming marriage of 
 my father, considering it from the same point of view 
 as Volddya. The future of my sister, of ourselves, 
 and of father did not present itself encouragingly to me. 
 I was provoked at the thought that a strange, but espe- 
 cially, a " young " woman, who had no such rights, would 
 suddenly in many respects take the place of — whom ? — 
 a mere " young " woman would take the place of my 
 deceased mother ! I was aggrieved, and father seemed
 
 412 YOUTH 
 
 ever more blameworthy. Just then I heard his and 
 Vol6dya's voice in the officiating-room. I did not wish 
 to see father at that moment, and walked away from 
 the door; but Lyiibochka came after me, and told me 
 that father wanted to see me. 
 
 He was standing in the drawing-room, leaning with his 
 hand on the piano, and impatiently and at the same 
 time solemnly looked in my direction. On his face was 
 no longer that expression of youth and happiness which 
 I had observed heretofore in him. He looked sad. 
 Vol6dya walked up and down the room, with his pipe 
 in his hand. I went up to father and saluted him. 
 
 " Well, my friends," he said, with firmness, raising his 
 head, and speaking in that very rapid tone vsdth which 
 one tells obviously unpleasant things that are past delib- 
 eration, "you know, I think, that I am about to marry 
 Avd6tya Vasilevna." He was silent for a moment. " I 
 did not wish to marry again after your mamma, but" — 
 he stopped for a minute — " but — it is evidently my fate. 
 Diinichka is a good and dear girl, and not very young ; 
 I hope you wUl love her, children, for she already loves 
 you with all her heart, she is so good. It is time for 
 you," he said, turning to me and Volddya, and speaking 
 rapidly that we might not interrupt him, " it is time for 
 you to depart, but I shall stay here until New Year's, 
 and then shall come to Moscow," — he again hesitated, 
 — " with my wife and with Lyiibochka." It was painful 
 for me to see father feeling ill at ease and guilty before 
 us ; I walked up to him, but Volodya continued to smoke 
 and, lowering his head, paced the room. 
 
 " So here is, my friends, what your old father has 
 concocted," concluded papa, blushing, coughing, and giving 
 his hand to me and to Vol6dya. There were tears in his 
 eyes, whenhe said that, and the hand which he stretched 
 out to Vol6dya, who was at that time at the other end of 
 the room, trembled a little, I noticed. I was painfully
 
 now WE RECEIVED THE NEWS 413 
 
 impressed by the sight of that trembling hand, and the 
 odd thought came to me, which affected me even more, 
 that papa had served in the year '12, and had, no 
 doubt, been a brave officer. I held his large venous 
 hand, and kissed it. He pressed mine firmly, and sud- 
 denly, sobbing through his tears, took Lyiibochka's black 
 head into both his hands and began to kiss her eyes. 
 Volddya pretended that he had dropped his pipe and, 
 bending down, softly wiped his eyes with his clenched 
 hand and, wishing to remain unnoticed, left the room.
 
 XXXVL 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 
 The wedding was to come off in two weeks; but 
 lectures at the university were to begin soon, and Volddya 
 and I left for Moscow in the beginning of September. 
 The Nekhlyiidovs had also come back from the country. 
 Dmitri, with whom I had promised at parting to corre- 
 spond, and with whom, of course, I had not exchanged 
 one letter, immediately came to see me, and we decided 
 that he should take me on the morrow to the university 
 to introduce me to my lectures. 
 
 It was a bright, sunny day. 
 
 The moment I entered the auditorium, I felt that my 
 personality disappeared in the mass of young, happy 
 faces which billowed through the door and in the 
 corridors, in the bright sunlight that penetrated through 
 the large windows. The consciousness of belonging to 
 that great society was an agreeable feeling. Among these 
 many faces I found but few acquaintances, and with 
 these my acquaintance was limited to a shake of the 
 head and the words, " Good morning, Irt^nev ! " All 
 about me, hands were pressed, and the crowd surged, and 
 words of friendship, smiles, civilities, and jokes were 
 showered on all sides. I felt the common bond that 
 united all that young society, and sorrowfully observed 
 that that bond had slighted me. But this was only a 
 momentary impression. In consequence of this impres- 
 
 414
 
 cL( i i!i //() vnl^ iij n!lm'=n>i -fi
 
 XXXVL 
 
 THE TnflVKRSITY 
 
 Til ... . :mg was to come off in two weeks; but 
 jtctures at the university were to begin t^K'i;, and Vol6dya 
 ")!=d I left for Moscow in the beginning of K^^-^mter. 
 '["he Nekhlyii'ivivs had also come back fioin th*' ouiitiT. 
 J.'ruitri, with whi>m I had promised at parting to coire- 
 ?|ond, and with VvliOm, of course, I had not exchanged 
 ■ Tie letter, immediat-t^ly came to see me, and we decided 
 rhat he should take me - n the morrow to the university 
 to introduce me to my lecture.^ 
 It was a bright, sunny day. 
 The niomeiit I i-ntered the auditorinu., ' 
 r -rsonality di^ipix-ared in the mass of youi^: 
 tucbs x^hich ' ' thr^^ugh the door and m lae 
 
 eurridfif?, iii i- . =. sunlight that |-'<='i!^trated through 
 
 the largp wiiul-.v^ =, The consdousiH?' ■•t behingiiig to 
 'hat great society was an agriiteabie f. eJing. Among these 
 " uiiy faces I found V-ut f»'w acx^uamtances, and with 
 my aex[uaintiiN.f wa« limited to a shake of the 
 ; and the v.; -^^acA morning, Irt(5nev!" All 
 
 tne, bar' rcssed, and the crowd surged, and 
 
 frit., .r-iUj.', smiles, civilities, and jokes were 
 •n all ^ides. I felt the common bond that 
 ang society, and sorrowfully observed 
 ^ "lighted me. But this was only a 
 In consex^uence of tins impr^i?- 
 
 4H 
 
 The Kremlin at Moscow in 1823 
 
 ! . : '^'rii::n-L fivni En^i avni^ hy Lr." >■' r
 
 '^^.■^
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 415 
 
 sion, and of the mortification generated by it, I soon 
 found, on the contrary, that it was very good indeed I 
 did not belong to that society, that I ought to have 
 a circle of my own, of decent people, and seated myself 
 
 on the third bench, where sat Count B , Baron Z , 
 
 Prince R , Ivin and other gentlemen of that class, of 
 
 whom I knew only Ivin and Count B . These gentle- 
 men, however, looked at me in such a manner that I felt 
 I did not quite belong to their society. I began to observe 
 everything that took place round me. Sem^nov, with his 
 gray, dishevelled hair and white teeth, and in his un- 
 buttoned coat, sat not far from me, leaning on his elbows, 
 and chewing at a pen. The Gymnasiast, who had passed 
 the examinations as first, sat on the first bench, his cheek 
 still tied up with a black necktie, and played with the 
 silver watch-key on his velvet vest. Ikonin, who had 
 managed to get into the university, sat on a desk in his 
 blue striped pantaloons that covered his whole boot, and 
 laughed and cried that he was on Parnassus. Ilinka, 
 who, to my astonishment, bowed to me not only coldly 
 but contemptuously, as if to remind me that we were 
 all equals here, sat in front of me and, placing his lean 
 legs carelessly on the bench (this, I thought, he did on 
 my account), conversed with another student, and now 
 and then glanced at me. Ivin's company near me spoke 
 French. These gentlemen seemed uncommonly stupid 
 to me. Every word which I caught from their conver- 
 sation seemed to me not only insipid, but even incorrect, 
 simply not French (" Ce n'est pas franpais," I said men- 
 tally to myself), but the attitudes, speeches, and acts of 
 Sem^nov, Ilinka, and others appeared to me ignoble, 
 indecent, not conime il faut. 
 
 I belonged to no circle, and grew angry, because I felt 
 myself lonely and incapable of making friends. A stu- 
 dent in front of me was biting his nails which were full 
 of red slivers, and that so disgusted me that I changed
 
 416 YOUTH 
 
 my seat some distance away from him. On that first 
 day, I remember, I felt quite sad. 
 
 When the professor entered, and everybody .stirred and 
 grew silent, I remember how I extended my satirical 
 glance to him, and how the professor began his lecture 
 with an introductory sentence in which I could see no 
 sense whatsoever. I wanted the lecture to be so clever 
 from the beginning to the end that it should be impossi- 
 ble to throw anything out, or add another word to it. 
 Being disappointed in this, I immediately set out to make 
 eighteen profiles, connected into a circle in the shape of a 
 flower, beneath the title " First Lecture " of the beautifully 
 bound note-book which I had brought with me ; I only 
 occasionally pretended to be writing, so that the profes- 
 sor, who I was sure was very much interested in me, 
 might think that I was taking down notes. Having 
 decided at this lecture that it was not necessary, and even 
 was stupid, to write out all the professor said, I observed 
 this rule to the end of my course. 
 
 At the next lectures I did not feel my loneliness so 
 much, for I had become acquainted with a number of 
 students whose hands I pressed and with whom I talked ; 
 but for some reason or other no close relations were es- 
 tablished between my companions and me, and I was fre- 
 quently given to melancholy and feigning. I could not 
 be on a friendly footing with Ivin's company and the 
 aristocrats, as everybody called them, because, as I now 
 remember, I was savage and rude with them, and bowed 
 to them only after they had saluted me, and they evi- 
 dently had Httle need of my acquaintance. With the 
 majority, however, this originated from an entirely differ- 
 ent cause. The moment I felt that a fellow student was 
 taking kindly to me, I gave him to understand that I 
 dined with Prince Ivdn Ivdnovich, and that I had a 
 vehicle of my own. I said aU that in order to show 
 myself from my most advantageous side, and that my
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 417 
 
 companion should like me better still ; but nearly every 
 time, as soon as I had informed my companion of my 
 relationship with Prince Ivdn Ivdnovich and of my vehi- 
 cle, he suddenly, to my amazement, became haughty and 
 cold to me. 
 
 We had a stipendiary student, Operov, a modest, ex- 
 tremely talented, and industrious young man, who always 
 gave his stitf hand like a board, without bending his 
 fingers, and making no motion with it, so that his jesting 
 fellow students gave him their hands in the same man- 
 ner, and called that kind of a hand-shake the " board 
 handshake." I nearly always sat down by his side, and 
 frequently conversed with him. I hked Operov more 
 especially for his free opinions about the professors. He 
 very clearly and distinctly defined the merits and faults 
 of each professor's instruction, and at times even made 
 fun of them, all of which being uttered with his soft voice 
 issuing from his tiny mouth affected me very strangely 
 and powerfully. In spite of this, he continued to take 
 down all the lectures without exception, writing them out 
 carefully in a fine hand. We were becoming friendly, and 
 decided to prepare our lectures together, and his small, 
 gray, near-sighted eyes were beginning to turn to me with 
 an expression of pleasure, whenever I came to take my 
 seat near him. But I found it necessary, in talking with 
 him, to let him know that my mother, dying, had asked 
 father not to send us to a public school, and that all the 
 stipendiary students might be very wise men, but not 
 the people for me — not the right class of people, " Ce ne 
 sont pas des gens comme il faut" I said, stammering and 
 feeling that I was blushing. Operov said nothing to me, 
 but at the next lectures did not salute me first, did not 
 give me his " board," did not converse, and when I took 
 my seat, bent his head sidewise, a finger's length away 
 from his note-books, and pretended to be looking into 
 them. I wondered at Operov's causeless coolness. As a
 
 418 YOUTH 
 
 jeune homme de honne maison I considered it improper to 
 seek the favour of a stipendiary student Operov, and left 
 him alone, though, I confess, his coolness mortified me. 
 Once I arrived before him, and as it happened to be 
 a lecture of a favourite professor, which was attended by 
 students who were not in the habit of coming to their 
 lectures regularly,^ all the places were occupied ; so I 
 seated myself in Operov's seat, put my note-books on his 
 desk, and walked out. When I returned to the lecture- 
 room, I noticed that my books had been removed to a 
 back desk, and that Operov was in my seat. I remarked 
 to him that I had placed my books there. 
 
 " I don't know," he answered, with sudden irritation 
 and without looking at me. 
 
 " I am telling you that I placed my books there," I 
 said, purposely in anger, thinking that I might frighten 
 him with my boldness. "Everybody saw it," I added, 
 looking round at the students, but though many gazed 
 curiously at me, not one of them said anything. 
 
 " There are no reserved seats here, and he who comes 
 first takes one," said Operov, angrily straightening him- 
 self in his seat and for a moment looking at me with a 
 provoked countenance. 
 
 " That means that you are a boor," I said. 
 
 I thought that Operov mumbled something, and I think 
 it was, " And you are a silly boy ! " but I did not hear it 
 at all. And what use would it have been for me to have 
 heard it ? Just to call each other names, hke manants ? 
 (I was very fond of that word " manard" and it served 
 me as an answer and solution to many puzzling relations.) 
 I might have said something else to him, but just then 
 the door slammed, and the professor in his blue uniform, 
 shuffling his feet, rapidly walked up to his platform. 
 
 And yet, before the examinations, when I needed some 
 note-books, Operov, mindful of his promise, offered me 
 his, and invited me to study with him.
 
 XXXVII. 
 
 AFFAIRS OF THE HEART 
 
 At that time I was much occupied with affairs of the 
 heart. I was three times in love. Once I became pas- 
 sionately enamoured of a very stout lady who used to ride 
 in Freitag's Manege ; every Tuesday and Friday, when she 
 frequented it, I went there to get a glimpse of her, but I 
 was every time so afraid that she would see me, and, 
 therefore, stood so far away from her and ran away so 
 fast when she was about to pass by me, and so rudely 
 turned aside when she looked in my direction, that I 
 never got a good look at her face, and never found out 
 whether she was really pretty or not. 
 
 Dubkov, who knew the lady, having discovered me 
 once in the Manege, where I stood concealed behind the 
 lackeys and the furs which they held, and having learned 
 from Dmitri of my infatuation, so frightened me with his 
 proposition to introduce me to that Amazon, that I rushed 
 headlong out of the place, and at the mere thought that 
 he told her about me, never again dared enter the Manege, 
 not even behind the lackeys, for fear of meeting her. 
 
 Whenever I was in love with strange, particularly 
 married, women, I was seized by fits of bashfulness a 
 thousand times stronger than what I experienced before 
 S6nichka. I feared nothing so much in the world as that 
 the object of my love should find out about my love and 
 even of my existence. It appeared to me that if she 
 should learn of the feeling which I had for her, it would 
 
 419
 
 420 YOUTH 
 
 be such an insult to her that she could never forgive me. 
 And indeed, if that Amazon had • known in detail how 
 I watched her from behind the lackeys, and imagined 
 raping her and taking her to the country, and how I was 
 going to live with her there, and what I was going to do 
 with her, she no doubt would have been justly insulted. 
 I could not form a clear conception of her knowing me 
 without knowing at once all my thoughts of her, and 
 therefore I could not imagine there was nothing disgrace- 
 ful in an acquaintance with her. 
 
 Another time I fell in love with Sdnichka, upon seeing 
 her with my sister. My second love for her had passed 
 long ago, but I became enamoured of her for the third 
 time, when Lyiibochka gave me a copy-book of verses, 
 copied by Sdnichka, in which L^rmontov's " Demon " was 
 in many gloomy passages of love underlined with red 
 ink, and marked with little flowers. I recalled that 
 Volddya had the year before kissed the purse of his lady- 
 love, and so I tried to do the same, and really, when I 
 was one evening all alone in my room and, looking at a 
 Httle flower, began to meditate and put it to my lips, I 
 experienced a certain pleasurable and tearful sensation, 
 and was again in love, or supposed I was, for a few days. 
 
 Finally, for the third time that winter I was enam- 
 oured of a young lady with whom Volddya was in love, 
 and who visited us. In that young lady, as I now 
 remember, there was absolutely nothing beautiful, par- 
 ticularly of that kind of beauty which I admired. She 
 was the daughter of a well-known, clever, and learned 
 lady of Moscow, and was small, haggard, with long Eng- 
 lish locks, and a translucent profile. Everybody said that 
 she was even more clever and learned than her mother, 
 but I was entirely unable to judge of that, because I felt 
 such a servile terror at the thought of her cleverness and 
 learning that I dared but once to speak to her, with inde- 
 scribable trepidation. But the ecstasy of Volddya, who
 
 AFFAIRS OF THE HEART 421 
 
 was never incommoded by the presence of others in giv- 
 ing vent to that ecstasy, was communicated to me with 
 such force that I fell passionately in love with the lady. 
 1 did not tell Volddya of my love, being convinced that it 
 would not please him very much to hear that " two 
 brothers were in love with the same maiden." The chief 
 pleasure I derived from this infatuation consisted in the 
 thought that our love was so pure that, in spite of the 
 fact that its object was one and the same charming 
 creature, we remained friends and ever ready to make 
 sacrifices for each other, if the opportunity offered itself. 
 However, Volddya did not quite share my opinion of the 
 ever ready sacrifice, for he was so passionately in love 
 that he wanted to box the ears of, and call out to a duel 
 a certain real diplomat who, it was said, was about to 
 marry her. But it pleased me very much to be able to 
 sacrifice my feeling, perhaps, because it did not cost me 
 much labour, having but once held with her a bombastic 
 discourse about the value of classical music, — and my 
 love, however much I tried to sustain it, was dispersed 
 the following day.
 
 XXXVIII. 
 
 SOCIETY 
 
 The social pleasures which I had dreamt of taking up, 
 upon entering the university, in emulation of my elder 
 brother, completely disenchanted me that winter. Vold- 
 dya danced a great deal, and papa also drove out to balls 
 with his young wife, but I was considered either too 
 young, or unfit for such enjoyments, and nobody intro- 
 duced me in those houses where balls were given. In 
 spite of my vow of frankness with Dmitri, I told nobody, 
 not even him, how anxious I was to attend balls, and 
 how it mortified and angered me that they forgot me and 
 apparently regarded me as a kind of a philosopher, so that 
 in consequence thereof, I tried to appear like one. 
 
 That winter there was a reception at the house of Prin- 
 cess Korn^kov. She personally invited us all, including 
 me, and I went for the first time to a ball. Volddya 
 came into my room before we were to start, and wanted 
 to see me dressed. This act of his greatly surprised and 
 puzzled me. It seemed to me that the desire always to be 
 well dressed was blameworthy, and had to be concealed ; 
 but he, on the contrary, regarded this desire as so natural 
 and necessary that he said quite openly that he was afraid 
 I should disgrace myself. He ordered me to put on 
 lacquered boots, was horrified when I wanted to put on 
 chamois-leather gloves, fixed my watch in a particular 
 manner, and took me to Blacksmith Bridge to a hair- 
 dresser. They curled my hair. Volodya stood off and 
 looked at me from a distance. 
 
 422
 
 SOCIETY 423 
 
 " Now it is all right, but can't you really smooth down 
 those tufts of his ? " he said, turning to the hair-dresser. 
 
 But no matter how much Monsieur Charles smeared 
 my tufts with a sticky essence, they rose again when I 
 put on my hat, and my whole curled head looked worse 
 to me than before. My only salvation lay in an affecta- 
 tion of carelessness. Only under such conditions did my 
 exterior look like something. 
 
 Volddya, it seems, was of the same opinion, for he 
 asked me to undo the curls, and when I did so and the 
 effect still was bad, he no longer looked at me, and all 
 the way to the Kornakovs was incommunicative and 
 melancholy. 
 
 Volddya and I entered the house of the Kornakovs 
 boldly ; but when the princess invited me to dance, and I, 
 who had come with this one aim in view, told her that 
 I did not dance, I lost my courage and, remaining all 
 alone among strange people, fell into my unconquerable, 
 ever increasing bashfulness. I stood silently all the even- 
 ing in one place. 
 
 During a waltz one of the young princesses walked up 
 to me and asked me, with the official civility of her fam- 
 ily, why I did not dance. I remember how I was put 
 out by the question, and how, entirely against my will, a 
 self-satisfied smile covered my face, and I began to tell 
 her in French, with high-flown turns and introductory 
 phrases, such dreadful nonsense that even now, after tens 
 of years, I have to blush when I think of it. It must be 
 that the music so affected me, by exciting my nerves, and 
 drowning, as I supposed, the less intelligible parts of my 
 speech. I said something or other about high life, about 
 the emptiness of men and women, and finally was so 
 completely lost in a maze of words, that I had to stop in 
 the middle of a sentence which it was utterly impossible 
 to finish. 
 
 Even the thoroughbred worldly princess was put out of
 
 424 YOUTH 
 
 countenance, and reproachfully looked at me. I smiled. 
 At this critical moment Volddya, seeing that I was speak- 
 ing excitedly, and, no doubt, wishing to know how I 
 explained away my refusal to dance, walked up to us 
 with Dubk6v. When he saw my smiling countenance 
 and the frightened expression of the princess, and heard 
 the awful bosh with which I ended my discourse, he 
 blushed and turned away. The princess rose and walked 
 off. I was smiling, but suffered so terribly from the con- 
 sciousness of my stupidity that I was ready to go through 
 the floor, and felt the necessity of stirring about and say- 
 ing something, in order to change my situation in some 
 manner. I went up to Dubkdv and asked him whether 
 he had danced many dances with her. I pretended to be 
 playful and merry, but in reality I implored aid of that 
 very Dubkov whom I had told to shut up at the dinner 
 at Yar's. Dubkdv looked as though he had not heard me 
 and turned away in another direction. I moved up to 
 Volddya, and said to him, with an expenditure of all my 
 strength, endeavouring to give a playful tone to my voice, 
 " Well, Volddya, are you tired ? " But Volddya looked at 
 me as much as to say, " You do not speak to me that way 
 when we are alone," and silently walked away from me, 
 apparently afraid that I might stick to him. 
 
 " My Lord, even my brother abandons me ! " I thought. 
 
 I somehow did not have sufficient strength to leave. I 
 stood sullen, in one spot, all during the evening, and only 
 when all had congregated in the antechamber, ready to 
 depart, and a lackey caught my overcoat on the edge of 
 my hat, so that it rose, I laughed painfully through tears 
 and, without addressing anybody in particular, said, 
 " Comme c'est gracieux ! "
 
 XXXIX. 
 
 A CAKOUSAL 
 
 Although, under Dmitri's influence, I did not yet 
 abandon myself to the common student enjoyments which 
 are called " carousals," I had occasion to be present at 
 such an entertainment that winter, but I carried away 
 from it a rather unpleasant sensation. It happened hke 
 this. 
 
 In the beginning of the year Baron Z , a tall, blond 
 
 young man, with a very solemn expression on his face, 
 invited us aU, at a lecture, to his house for a sociable 
 evening. When I say all of us, I mean all the fellow 
 students of our course who were more or less comme il 
 faut, and among whom, of course, were neither Grap, nor 
 Sem^nov, nor Operov, nor any of those insignificant gen- 
 tlemen. Volodya smiled contemptuously when he heard 
 that I was going to a carousal of the first year students, 
 but I expected an unusual and intense pleasure from this 
 entirely unfamiliar pastime, and punctually at the ap- 
 pointed time, at eight o'clock, I was at the house of 
 Baron Z . 
 
 Baron Z , in an unbuttoned coat and white waist- 
 coat, received his guests in the lighted parlour and draw- 
 ing-room of the small house in which his parents hved, 
 who, on the occasion of the celebration, had granted him 
 the use of the reception-rooms. In the corridor could be 
 seen the heads and dresses of curious maids, and in the 
 buffet-room flashed by the dress of a lady whom I took 
 
 425
 
 426 TOUTH 
 
 for the baroness. There were some twenty guests, all of 
 them students except Mr. Frost, who had come with Ivin, 
 and one tall, red-faced private gentleman who had charge 
 of the celebration, and who was introduced to all as a 
 relative of the baron, and a former student of the uni- 
 versity of Dorpat. The extremely bright illumination 
 and the usual, conventional outfit of the reception- 
 rooms at first acted so chilhngly upon that youthful com- 
 pany that all kept close to the wall, except a few bolder 
 fellows and the Dorpat student, who, having unbuttoned 
 his waistcoat, seemed to be at the same time in every 
 room, and in every corner of every room, and filled the 
 whole room with his sonorous, agreeable, and continuous 
 tenor voice. The other students were mostly silent, or 
 modestly discussed their professors, the sciences, exami- 
 nations, in general, serious matters. Everybody without 
 exception watched the door of the buffet-room, and, 
 though trying to conceal it, bore an expression which 
 said, " "Well, it is time to begin." I myself felt that it was 
 time to begin, and waited for the beginning with impatient 
 
 joy- 
 After tea, which the lackeys served to the guests, the 
 Dorpat student asked Frost, in Eussian : 
 
 " Dost thou know how to make the punch. Frost ? " 
 " ja ! " answered Frost, moving his calves, but the 
 Dorpat student again said to him in Eussian : 
 
 " Then take it into thine hands " (they spoke " thou " to 
 each other, as schoolmates of the Dorpat University), and 
 Frost, taking a few long steps with his bent muscular legs, 
 began to pass from the drawing-room to the buffet-room 
 and back again, and soon there appeared on the table a 
 large bowl with a ten-pound head of sugar in it, held in 
 
 place by three crossed student swords. Baron Z in 
 
 the meantime walked up to all the guests who had gathered 
 in the drawing-room and were looking at the bowl, and 
 with an unchangeable solemn face repeated nearly the
 
 A CAROUSAL 427 
 
 same thing : " Gentlemen, let us drink in student fashion 
 the round bowl, ' Bruderschaft^ for there is no comrade- 
 ship iu our course. Why don't you unbutton your coats, 
 or take them off entirely, just as he has done ? " And, 
 indeed, the Dorpat student, having taken off his coat 
 and rolled up his white shirt-sleeves above his elbows, and 
 firmly planted his legs, was already burning the rum in 
 the bowl. 
 
 " Gentlemen, put out the lights ! " suddenly cried the 
 Dorpat student as loud and sonorously as if we all were 
 crying together. But we looked in silence at the bowl 
 and at the white shirt of the Dorpat student, and all felt 
 that the solemn moment had arrived. 
 
 " Ldschen Sie die Lichter aus, Frost ! " again cried the 
 Dorpat student, this time in German, probably because he 
 was quite excited. Frost and the rest of us began to blow 
 out the lights. The room grew dark, and only the white 
 shirt-sleeves and hands that supported the head of sugar 
 with the swords were lighted up by the bluish flame. 
 The loud tenor of the Dorpat student was no longer the 
 only one, for they were talking and laughing in all the 
 corners of the room. Many took off their coats (especially 
 those who had fine linen, and very white shirts), and I 
 did the same, and knew that now it was beginning. 
 Although there was nothing merry as yet, I was quite 
 convinced that it would be nice as soon as we should 
 drink a glass of the brewing drink. 
 
 The drink was prepared. The Dorpat student poured 
 out the punch in glasses, spilling a great deal on the table, 
 and called out : " Now, gentlemen, come on ! " When we 
 all had well-filled sticky glasses in our hands, the Dorpat 
 student and Frost sang a German song, in which the 
 exclamation " Juchhe I " was frequently repeated. We 
 sang with them as best we could, clinked our glasses, 
 praised the punch, and, crossing hands with each other, or 
 in simple fashion, began to drink the sweet, strong liquid.
 
 428 YOUTH 
 
 There was nothing more to wait for, — the carousal was 
 in full swing. 
 
 I emptied a whole glass; they filled another for me; 
 the blood beat strongly in my temples ; the hght looked 
 blood-red to me ; everybody around me laughed and cried, 
 and yet it not only seemed not jolly to me, but I was even 
 convinced that all of us suffered ennui, and that we merely 
 found it necessary to pretend that it all was very jolly. 
 The Dorpat student was probably the only one who did 
 not feign : he grew ever more bloodshot and ubiquitous, 
 filled everybody's empty glasses, and spilled more and 
 more on the table, which finally grew all sticky and 
 sweet. 
 
 I do not remember everything that happened, or in 
 what order, but I recall that I was that evening awfully 
 fond of that Dorpat student and of Frost, learned by heart 
 the German song, and kissed their sweet hps; I also 
 recollect that on that same evening I hated the Dorpat 
 student, and wanted to bang him with a chair, but 
 restrained myself ; I recollect that, in addition to the feel- 
 ing of disobedience of all my limbs, which I had experi- 
 enced at the dinner at Yar's, my head ached and whirled 
 in such a terrible manner that I was dreadfully afraid I 
 should die right off; I also recollect that we all seated 
 ourselves for some reason on the floor, waved our hands, 
 imitating the motion of oars, and sang " Down our mother 
 Volga," and that I thought all the time that it was not 
 necessary to do all this ; I recollect also that, lying on the 
 floor, my legs caught in somebody's, and I fought with 
 him in gipsy fashion and sprained his neck, whereat I 
 thought that it would not have happened if he had not 
 been drimk ; I recollect also that we had supper, and 
 drank something else, that I went outside to cool off, that 
 my head felt cold, and that, at parting, I noticed that it 
 was dreadfully dark, that the foot-rest of the vehicle had 
 in the meanwhile become crooked and sleek, and that it
 
 A CAROUSAL 429 
 
 was not possible to hold on to Kuzma, because he was 
 very weak and flaunted like a rag ; but, above all, I recol- 
 lect that during that evening I never stopped feeling that 
 I acted very foolishly, pretending that it was jolly, that I 
 liked to drink much, and that I never thought of being 
 drunk, and I also felt that the rest were acting just as 
 foolishly when they pretended the same. I thought that 
 each one in particular was just as dissatisfied as I, but 
 that he supposed that he alone experienced that unpleasant 
 sensation, and, consequently, regarded it as his duty to 
 pretend to be merry, in order not to impair the general 
 merriment ; besides, though it may seem strange, I con- 
 sidered it my duty to pretend, for the reason alone, if for 
 no other, that into that bowl had been poured three bottles 
 of champagne, at ten roubles, and ten bottles of mm, at 
 four roubles, which made in all seventy roubles, not 
 counting the supper. I was so convinced of it, that next 
 day I was exceedingly surprised during the lecture, when 
 my companions, who had been present at the entertain- 
 ment of Baron Z , not only were not ashamed of what 
 
 they had done there, but told of it in such a manner that 
 the other students might hear it. They said that the 
 carousal was fine, that the Dorpat boys were great at it, 
 and that the twenty students had drunk forty bottles of 
 rum, and that many of them were left for dead under the 
 table. I could not understand why they should tell, and 
 moreover lie, about themselves.
 
 XL. 
 
 MY FRIENDSHIP WITH THE NEKHLY^OVS 
 
 That winter I frequently saw not only Dmitri, who 
 was in the habit of visiting us, but also his whole family, 
 with whom I was getting better acquainted. 
 
 The Nekhlyiidovs, mother, aunt, and daughter, passed 
 all their evenings at home, and the princess was fond of 
 having young people come to see them in the evening, 
 that is, men who, she said, were able to pass a whole 
 evening without cards or dancing. There must have 
 been a dearth of such men, because I rarely saw any guests 
 there, though I called nearly every day. I grew accus- 
 tomed to the members of that family, and to their various 
 dispositions, formed a clear conception of their mutual 
 relations, got used to the rooms and furniture, and, when 
 there were no guests, felt perfectly at ease, except when 
 I was left alone with V^renka. It always seemed to me 
 that she was not a very pretty girl, and that she was 
 exceedingly anxious that I should fall in love with her. 
 But this embarrassment, too, soon began to pass away. 
 She was so unconstrained in her manner, whether she 
 talked to me, to her brother, or to Lyub6v Sergy^evna, 
 that I acquired the habit of looking at her simply as at a 
 person to whom it was neither disgraceful nor dangerous 
 to express the pleasure which her company afforded. 
 During all the time of my acquaintance with her, she 
 appeared on certain days very homely, while on others I 
 thought she was not so ill-looking, but it never occurred 
 to me to ask myself whether I was in love with her, or 
 
 430
 
 MY FRIENDSHIP WITH THE NEKHLYUDOVS 431 
 
 not. I had occasion to speak to her directly, but more 
 often I conversed with her by addressing Lyubdv Sergy^- 
 evua or Dmitri, and this latter method gave me especial 
 pleasure. It was a great pleasure for me to speak in her 
 presence, to listen to her singing, and in general to know 
 that she was in the room while I was there. I was now 
 rarely worried by the thought what my relations to 
 Varenka would be in the future, and by the dreams of 
 self-sacrifice for my friend if he should fall in love with 
 my sister. And if such thoughts and dreams did come 
 to me, I felt myself sufficiently contented in the present, 
 and unconsciously warded off the thoughts of the future. 
 In spite of this closer acquaintance, I continued to 
 regard it as my invariable duty to conceal my real senti- 
 ments and inclinations from all the family of the Nekh- 
 lyudovs, and especially from Varenka, and endeavoured 
 to pass for an entirely different young man from what I 
 really was, and even to appear hke one who could not 
 have any existence in reality. I tried to appear impas- 
 sioned, went into ecstasies, sighed, and made passionate 
 gestures, whenever I wanted to express my great pleasure, 
 and at the same time attempted to appear indifferent to 
 every extraordinary occurrence which I had witnessed, or 
 of which they told me ; tried to appear a malicious jester 
 for whom there was nothing holy, and at the same time 
 a shrewd observer ; tried to appear logical in all my acts, 
 precise and punctual in the affairs of life, and at the same 
 time contemptuous of everything of a material nature. I 
 may say I was a much better man in reality than that odd 
 creature which I endeavoured to represent, but even such 
 as I pretended to be, the Nekhlyudovs were fond of me 
 and, to my good fortune, had, I think, no faith in my pre- 
 tensions. Only Lyubov Sergy^evna, who considered me 
 as a great egotist, blasphemer, and cynic, I think, did not 
 like me, and frequently quarrelled with me, grew angry, 
 and tried to vanquish me with her fragmentary, inco-
 
 432 YOUTH 
 
 herent phrases. But Dmitri remained in the same strange, 
 more than friendly relations with her, and said that 
 nobody understood her, and that she was doing him a 
 great deal of good. His friendship for her continued to 
 grieve the family as before. 
 
 Once V^renka, who was discussing with me that incom- 
 prehensible relation, explained it thus : 
 
 " Dmitri is egotistical. He is too proud, and, in spite 
 of his good mind, is very fond of praise and admiration, and 
 likes always to be first, while aunty, in the innocence of 
 her soul, worships him, and has not enough tact to con- 
 ceal that admiration for him, so that in reality she flatters 
 him, only not feignedly, but sincerely." 
 
 This reflection impressed itself upon my memory, and 
 when I later analyzed it, I could not help thinking that 
 Varenka was a very clever girl, and, in consequence, with 
 pleasure raised her in my opinion. As the result of the 
 discovery of mind and other moral qualities in her, I fre- 
 quently advanced her thus, with pleasure, but with a cer- 
 tain austere moderation, and never rose to ecstasy, which 
 is the extreme point of this advancement. Thus, when 
 Sdfya Iv^novna, who never stopped talking about her niece, 
 told me that Vdrenka, four years ago, while in the country, 
 had without permission given away all her clothes and 
 shoes to the village children, so that it was necessary to 
 gather them up again, I did not at once accept the fact as 
 worthy of advancing her in my opinion, but mentally 
 made fun of her for such an impractical view of things. 
 
 When there were guests at the Nekhlyudovs, among 
 them sometimes Volddya and Dubk6v, I retreated, with 
 self-satisfaction and with a certain calm consciousness of 
 being a friend of the family, to the background, did not 
 take part in the conversation, and only listened to what 
 was said. And everything that others said seemed to me 
 so incomprehensibly stupid that I wondered mentally 
 how such a clever and logical woman as the princess, and
 
 MY FRIENDSHIP WITH THE NEKHLYUDOVS 433 
 
 all her logical family, could listen to all those stupid 
 things, and reply to them. If it had occurred to me 
 then to compare with what the others said that which I 
 said when I was alone, I, no doubt, should not have been 
 surprised. Still less should I have been surprised if I 
 had come to believe that our own family — Avddtya 
 Vasilevna, Lyubochka, and K^tenka — were just such 
 women as the rest, by no means lower than others, and if 
 I had recalled what it was Dubkdv, Katenka, and Avdo- 
 tya Vasilevna talked about for whole evenings, smiling 
 merrily, and how, nearly every time, Dubkov, stickhng 
 for something, read with feeling the verses, " Au banquet 
 de la vie, infortune convive," or extracts from the " Demon," 
 and, in general, with what pleasure they uttered all kinds 
 of nonsense for hours at a time. 
 
 Of course, when guests were present, Varenka paid less 
 attention to me than when we were alone, and, besides, 
 there was no reading, and no music, which I liked to hear so 
 much. When she spoke to the guests she lost her chief 
 charm for me, — her calm thoughtfulness and simplicity. 
 I remember how strangely I was impressed by the con- 
 versation about the theatre and the weather, which she 
 held with my brother Volodya. I knew that Volodya 
 more than anything avoided and abhorred banality, and 
 that Varenka also was in the habit of making fun of the 
 quasi-entertaining conversations about the weather, and 
 so forth ; then why did they, upon meeting, eternally 
 utter the most unbearable commonplaces, and as if 
 ashamed of each other ? After every conversation of this 
 kind I was silently provoked with Varenka, and the fol- 
 lowing day made fun of the guests, and after that I found 
 even more pleasure in being alone in the family circle of 
 the Nekhlyudovs. 
 
 However it may be, I began to derive more enjoyment 
 from being with Dmitri in the drawing-room of his 
 mother than from being all alone with him.
 
 XLL 
 
 MY FRIENDSHIP WITH NEKHLYUDOV 
 
 At this period my friendship with Dmitri was sus- 
 pended by a hair. I had begun long ago to pass judgment 
 on him, in order to discover his faults ; but in our first 
 youth we love only passionately, and, therefore, we love 
 only perfect men. But the moment the mist of passion 
 begins to scatter, or the bright beams of reason begin 
 involuntarily to burst through it, and we see the object of 
 our passion in its real aspect, with its good and bad 
 qualities, the bad qualities, like something unexpected, 
 appear magnified and dazzle our eyes ; the feeling of 
 novelty and of hope that perfection in another man is 
 possible encourages us not only to cool off toward, but 
 even to turn away from, the former object of our passion ; 
 and we cast it off without regret, and rush forward to 
 seek a new perfection. If the same thing did not happen 
 in my relation to Dmitri, I owed it to his stubborn, 
 pedantic, mental, rather than spiritual, attachment, which 
 I should have felt ashamed to betray. In addition, we 
 were united by our strange rule of frankness. "When we 
 parted from each other we were afraid to leave aU the 
 outrageous moral secrets of our confidences in the power 
 of the other. However, our rule of frankness was evi- 
 dently not always observed, and frequently embarrassed us, 
 and produced strange relations between us. 
 
 Nearly every time when I called that winter on Dmitri, 
 I found his classmate, Bezoby^dov, with whom he studied. 
 
 434
 
 MY FRIENDSHIP WITH NEKHLYUDOV 435 
 
 BezobyMov was a small, pockmarked, lean young man, 
 with tiny, freckled hands, and very long, unkempt hair, 
 always ragged, dirty, uncultured, and even a poor student. 
 Dmitri's relations with him were as inscrutable to me as 
 those with Lyubdv Sergy^evna. The only cause for his 
 selecting him from among all his classmates and being 
 friendly with him was that a worse-looking student could 
 not be found in the whole university. Dmitri, no doubt, 
 found a special delight in being friendly with him, in 
 order to spite everybody. In all his relations with that 
 student was expressed the haughty feeling, " It is all the 
 same to me who you are, and I do not care for what 
 others say ; I hke him, consequently he is all right." 
 
 I marvelled how he could constrain himself so much, 
 and how unfortunate Bezoby^dov was able to endure his 
 awkward situation. I was very much displeased with 
 that friendship. 
 
 I once called on Dmitri in the evening, in order to 
 spend the time with him in his mother's drawing-room, 
 to chat, and to listen to Vdrenka's singing and reading. 
 Bezoby^dov was up-stairs. Dmitri answered me in an 
 abrupt voice that he could not go down, because, as I 
 could see, he had a guest. 
 
 " What pleasure is there in it, anyway ? " he added. 
 " Let us sit here, and have a chat." 
 
 Although I was not at all delighted by the idea of 
 staying two hours with Bezoby^dov, I could not make up 
 my mind to go down by myself into the drawing-room, 
 and, inwardly provoked by my friend's odd ties, sat down 
 in a rocking-chair, and began to rock. I was very angry 
 with Dmitri and Bezoby^dov for depriving me of the 
 pleasure of being down-stairs ; I waited, hoping that 
 Bezoby^dov would soon leave, and was irritated at him 
 and Dmitri, and hstened in silence to their conversation. 
 
 " A very agreeable guest ! Stay with him ! " I thought, 
 when a lackey brought tea, and Dmitri had to ask Bezo-
 
 436 TOUTH 
 
 by^dov five times to take a glass, because his timid guest 
 regarded it as his duty to decline the first and second 
 glass, saying, " Drink yourself ! " Dmitri had evidently 
 to force himself to entertain his guest with a conver- 
 sation, into which he vainly tried to drag me. I kept 
 sullen silence. 
 
 " What's to be done ? I have such a countenance that 
 no one would dare imagine I am suffering ennui." I 
 mentally turned to Dmitri, evenly rocking in my chair, 
 in silence. I began, with a certain pleasure, to fan in 
 myself an ever increasing feeling of quiet hatred for my 
 friend. " What a fool," I thought of him ; " he might have 
 passed an agreeable evening with his charming relatives, 
 
 — no, he must stay here with that beast, and now the 
 time is passing, and it will be too late to go to the draw- 
 ing-room," and I glanced at my friend past the edge of 
 my chair. His hand, his attitude, his neck, and especially 
 the back of his cranium and his knees seemed to me so 
 disgusting and provoking, that I should have experienced 
 a certain pleasure if at that moment I had said something 
 very rude to him. 
 
 Finally Bezoby^dov rose, but Dmitri would not let his 
 agreeable guest depart at once : he proposed to him to 
 stay overnight, but, fortunately, Bezoby^dov declined, 
 and went away. 
 
 Having taken him to the door, Dmitri returned and, 
 softly smiling a self-satisfied smile and rubbing his hands, 
 
 — no doubt, because he had sustained his character and 
 because he was at last free from ennui, — began to pace 
 the room, looking at me from time to time. He appeared 
 still more disgusting to me. " How dare he walk and 
 smile ? " I thought. 
 
 '•' What makes you so sullen ? " he said, suddenly, stop- 
 ping opposite me. 
 
 '• I am not at all sullen," I answered, as people always 
 answer under these circumstances, " I am only annoyed
 
 MY FRIENDSHIP WITH NEKHLYTTDOV 437 
 
 because you dissemble, before me, before Bezoby^dov, 
 aud before yourself." 
 
 " What nonsense ! I never dissemble before anybody.'* 
 
 " I am not forgetful of our rule of frankness, — I am 
 telling you the truth. I am convinced," I said, " that this 
 Bezobyddov is as unbearable to you as to me, for he is 
 stupid, and God knows what, but you only put on airs 
 before him." 
 
 " No ! And, in the first place, Bezoby^dov is a fine 
 fellow — " 
 
 " But I say, yes. And I tell you that your friendship 
 with Lyubov Sergy^evna is also based on the fact that she 
 regards you as a god." 
 
 " But I tell you, no." 
 
 " And I say, yes, because I know it from my own 
 experience," I answered him, with the ardour of restrained 
 annoyance, and trying to disarm him with my frankness. 
 " I have told you so before, and I repeat it now, that it 
 always seems to me that I love those people who tell me 
 agreeable things, but when I examine myself closely, I 
 find that there is no real attachment." 
 
 " No," continued Dmitri, correcting his necktie with an 
 angry jerk of his neck, " when I love, neither praises nor 
 chiding are able to change my feeling." 
 
 " It is not so. I have told you that when papa called 
 me a good-for-nothing, I for some time hated him and 
 wished his death; even thus you — " 
 
 " Speak for yourself. I am sorry if you are such — " 
 
 " On the contrary," I cried, jumping up from my chair, 
 and with desperate boldness looking into his eyes, " what 
 you say is wrong ; did you not tell me about brother ? — 
 I do not understand you in this, because it would be dis- 
 honest, — did you not tell me ? — and I will tell you, 
 since I now understand you — " 
 
 In my attempt to sting him more painfully than he had 
 stung me, I began to prove to him that he loved nobody,
 
 438 YOUTH 
 
 and to reproach him for everything for which I thought T 
 had a right to blame him. I was very much satisfied at 
 having told him all, and forgot that the only possible pur- 
 pose of this reproach was to make him confess the faults 
 of which I accused him, and that this aim could not be 
 reached at that particular moment when he was excited. 
 I never told him these things when he was calm and 
 might have confessed his shortcomings. 
 
 Our discussion was growing into a quarrel, when 
 Dmitri suddenly became silent, and went into another 
 room. I followed him, continuing to speak, but he did 
 not answer me. I knew that in the column of his vices 
 was also irritability, and that he was now trying to over- 
 come it. I cursed all his rules. 
 
 This, then, is what our rule to tell each other every- 
 thing we felt, and never to tell a third person about it, had 
 led us to ! In our transports of frankness we frequently 
 made most disgraceful confessions to each other, and, to 
 our shame, interpreted suppositions and dreams as desires 
 and sensations, just as had happened in this particular 
 case. These confessions not only did not strengthen the 
 bond which united us, but dried up that very feeling, and 
 disunited us; and now his egotism suddenly prevented 
 him from making the simplest kind of confession, and in 
 the heat of the discussion we made use of the very 
 weapons which we had given one another, and which 
 struck us painfully.
 
 XLII. 
 
 OUR STEPMOTHER 
 
 Although papa had intended to come to Moscow with 
 his wife after New Year's, he arrived in October, when 
 hunting with dogs was still in full swing. Papa said that 
 he had changed his mind because his case was to be taken 
 up in the Senate ; but Mimi told us that Avdotya Vasi- 
 levna suffered such ennui in the country, and so often 
 spoke of Moscow, and pretended to be ill, that papa 
 decided to fulfil her wish. " Because she never loved 
 liira, and only tired everybody talking of her love, when 
 she really only wished to marry a rich man," added Mimi, 
 drawing a pensive sigh, as if to say : " Certain people 
 would have acted quite differently, if he had only known 
 how to appreciate them." 
 
 Certain people were unjust to Avdotya Vasilevna ; her 
 love for papa, a passionate, loyal love of self-sacrifice, was 
 visible in every word, look, and motion of hers. But 
 this love did not in the least interfere, aside from her 
 desire not to be separated from the husband she wor- 
 shipped, with her wanting an extraordinary bonnet from 
 Madame Annete, a hat with an unusual, blue ostrich 
 feather, and a dress of blue Venetian velvet, which would 
 artistically display her stately bosom and arms, that no 
 one but her husband and maids had seen heretofore. 
 Katenka was naturally on the side of her mother, while 
 between us and our stepmother strange, jocular relations 
 were established from the very first day of her arrival. 
 
 439
 
 440 YOUTH 
 
 The moment she stepped out of the carriage, Volddya, 
 with a solemn face and dim eyes, scuffing and curtsey- 
 ing, walked up to her hand, and said, as if introducing 
 some one : 
 
 " I have the honour of welcoming my dear mother, and 
 kissing her hand." 
 
 " Oh, dear son ! " said Avd6tya Vasilevna, smiling her 
 beautiful, monotonous smile. 
 
 " And do not forget your second son," I said, also walk- 
 ing up to her hand, and involuntarily assuming Volddya's 
 expression and voice. 
 
 If our stepmother and we had been sure of mutual 
 attachment, this expression might have signified a disre- 
 gard of demonstrative tokens of love ; if we had been 
 before hostilely inclined toward each other, it might have 
 signified irony, or contempt of dissembling, or a desire to 
 conceal from father our real relations, and many other 
 sentiments and thoughts; but in the present case, this 
 expression, which exactly fitted Avd6tya Vasilevna's dis- 
 position, meant absolutely nothing, and only concealed an 
 absence of all relations. I have often noticed since, in 
 other families, just such jocular, false relations, whenever 
 their members have a presentiment that the true relations 
 would not be in place ; precisely these relations subsisted 
 between us and Avd6tya Vasilevna. We hardly ever 
 came out of them ; we were always dissemblingly polite 
 to her, spoke French, scuffed, and called her " Chere 
 maman" to which she always replied with jokes of the 
 same character, and with her beautiful, monotonous smile. 
 Blubbering Lyiibochka alone, with her bandy legs and 
 silly conversations, took a liking to our stepmother, and 
 very naively, and at times awkwardly, endeavoured to 
 bring us all together ; and thus Lyiibochka was the only 
 person in the whole world for whom Avd6tya Vasilevna 
 had a drop of attachment outside of her passionate love 
 for papa. Avddtya Vasilevna showed for her an ecstatic
 
 OUR STEPMOTHER 441 
 
 admiration and timid respect, which amazed us very- 
 much. 
 
 In the beginning Avddtya Vasilevna was fond of call- 
 ing herself stepmother and hinting how badly and unjustly 
 children and home people always looked upon a step- 
 mother, and how difficult her position was in consequence. 
 Although she well knew the disagreeableness of this posi- 
 tion, she did nothing to avoid it, — by fondling one, giv- 
 ing some gift to another, and keeping her temper, — which 
 would have been a very easy thing for her to do, because 
 she was not exacting by nature, and was very good at 
 heart. She not only did not do so, but, on the contrary, 
 foreseeing her disagreeable state, she prepared for defence 
 without being attacked ; and, suspecting that all the peo- 
 ple of the house wanted to be in every way rude and 
 insulting to her, she saw a purpose in everything, and 
 regarded it as most dignified to suffer in silence ; and, of 
 course, by not inviting love with her inaction, invited 
 only enmity. Besides, she was so entirely devoid of the 
 faculty of "understanding," of which I have spoken 
 before, and which was highly developed in our house, 
 and her habits were so different from those which had 
 taken deep root with us, that this alone went against 
 her. 
 
 In our punctual and neat home she lived as though she 
 had just arrived, rose and retired now late, now early, 
 and came to dinner and supper irregularly. When there 
 were no guests she walked about half-dressed, and was 
 not ashamed to appear before us and the servants in her 
 petticoat, with a shawl about her, leaving her arms bare. 
 At first I liked this simplicity, but very soon I lost, on 
 account of this very simplicity, the last respect which I 
 had for her. Stranger still for us was the fact that there 
 were two women in her, according as there were guests 
 or not : before guests, she was a young, healthy, and cold 
 beauty, superbly dressed, not stupid, not clever, but
 
 442 YOUTH 
 
 mirthful; without guests, she was an oldish, haggard, 
 repining woman, slatternly, and suffering ennui, though 
 loving. Frequently, when I saw how she, smiling and 
 flushed from the wintry cold, happy in the consciousness 
 of her beauty, returned from visits, and, taking off her 
 hat, walked up to the mirror to examine herself in it ; or 
 how she, rustling her superb low-cut ball-dress, ashamed 
 and at the same time proud before her servants, walked 
 to her carriage ; or how she, at home, when we had some 
 little evening parties, dressed in a high-necked silk dress, 
 with fine laces about her dehcate neck, showered on all 
 sides her monotonous, but beautiful smile, I thought, 
 what would those say who admired her if they saw her 
 as I did, when she stayed at home in the evening, waiting 
 till after twelve o'clock for her husband's return from the 
 club, and in some capote, with unkempt hair, walked like 
 a shadow through the dimly Hghted rooms ? She would 
 walk up to the piano, and play, frowning with her effort, 
 the only waltz which she knew ; or take up a novel and, 
 having read a few sentences in the middle, throw it away 
 again ; or, in order not to wake the people, walk up to 
 the buffet and take out from it a cucumber and some cold 
 veal, and eat it, standing at the window of the buffet ; or 
 again, tired and gloomy, aimlessly walk from one room to 
 another. 
 
 Nothing disunited us so much as the absence of under- 
 standing, which found its expression more particularly in 
 a characteristic manner of condescending attention, when- 
 ever we spoke about things unintelligible to her. She was 
 not to be blamed for acquiring an unconscious habit of 
 slightly smiling with her lips only, and nodding, whenever 
 she was told things that little interested her (nothing 
 interested her but herself and her husband ) ; but this 
 smile and nod, frequently repeated, were unbearably 
 detestable. Her merriment, too, as though mocking her- 
 self, us, and the whole world, was also awkward and did
 
 OUR STEPMOTHER 443 
 
 not communicate itself to others ; and her sentimentality- 
 was truly nauseating. The main thing was that she did 
 not blush to tell everybody continually of her love for 
 papa. Though she did not tell an untruth when she 
 asserted that all her life consisted in her love for her 
 husband, and though she proved it by her whole life, this 
 unabashed, uninterrupted repetition about her love was, 
 according to our ideas, detestable, and we were even more 
 ashamed for her when she told it to strangers, than when 
 she made mistakes in speaking French. 
 
 She loved her husband more than anything else in the 
 world, and her husband loved her, especially in the begin- 
 ning, when he saw that she pleased others as well. The 
 only aim of her Hfe was to get the love of her husband ; 
 but she seemed purposely to be doing everything which 
 might displease him, with the aim in view of showing 
 him all the power of her love and her readiness for self- 
 sacrifice. 
 
 She was fond of fine dresses, and father hked to see 
 her a belle in society, so as to provoke praises and admi- 
 ration ; she sacrificed her passion for fine garments for 
 father, and more and more accustomed herself to stay at 
 home in a gray blouse. Papa, who regarded freedom and 
 equahty as necessary conditions in family relations, had 
 hoped that his favourite Lyubochka and his good young 
 wife would become intimate and friendly ; but Avdotya 
 Vasilevna sacrificed herself, and thought it necessary to 
 show an improper respect to the real hostess of the house, 
 as she called Lyubochka, which painfully offended papa. 
 He played a great deal that winter, finally lost much, 
 and, anxious, as ever, not to mix up his gambling with 
 his domestic affairs, concealed all his gaming from his 
 home people. Aydotya Vasilevna sacrificed herself, and 
 though frequently ill, and even pregnant at the end of 
 winter, considered it her duty, in her gray blouse, with 
 unkempt hair, though it were four or five o'clock in the
 
 444 TOUTH 
 
 morning, to totter along in order to meet papa, when he, 
 frequently tired, having sustained losses, shamefaced, after 
 an eighth fine, returned from his club. She asked him 
 abstractedly whether he had been lucky at the game, and 
 she listened with condescending attention, smiling and 
 nodding, to what he told her about his doings in the club, 
 and to his hundredth entreaty not to wait for him. And 
 although my father's gains and losses, on which, such was 
 his game, his wealth depended, did not in the least interest 
 her, she continued to be the first to meet him, every time 
 when he returned from his club. In truth, she was urged 
 on to these meetings not only by her passion for self- 
 sacrifice, but by a secret jealousy, from which she suffered 
 to an extraordinary degree. Nobody in the world could 
 have convinced her that papa was returning so late from 
 his club, and not from an amour. She tried to read in 
 papa's face his amatory secrets, and not making out any- 
 thing, she sighed, with a certain pleasurableness of grief, 
 and gave herself over to the contemplation of her mis- 
 fortune. 
 
 On account of these, and many other, continuous sacri- 
 fices, in papa's relations with his wife, there became 
 noticeable, in the last months of that winter, when he 
 lost a great deal, and therefore was generally out of sorts, 
 an intermediate feeling of quiet hatred, — that reserved 
 detestation of the object of attachment, which expresses 
 itself in an unconscious tendency to offer all kinds of 
 petty, moral annoyances to that object.
 
 XLIII. 
 
 NEW COMPANIONS 
 
 The winter passed unnoticed and it began to thaw, and 
 in the university the schedule of examinations was already 
 nailed to the wall, when I suddenly recalled that I had to 
 pass examinations in eighteen subjects which I had taken, 
 but of which I had neither heard, nor noted down, nor 
 prepared a single one. It is strange such a plain question 
 as how to pass my examinations had never occurred to 
 me. I lived all that winter in such a mist, which was 
 occasioned by my enjoyment of being a grown man and 
 comme ilfaut, that when such a question as the examina- 
 tions did occur to me, I compared myself with my com- 
 panions, and thought, " They will go to the examinations, 
 and most of them are not yet comme il faut, consequently 
 I have an advantage over them, and certainly shall pass 
 my examinations." I attended my lectures only because 
 I got used to doing so, and because papa told me to go. 
 And then, I had many acquaintances, and I often had a 
 jolly time at the university. I loved that noise, that con- 
 versation, that laughter of the lecture-rooms ; loved during 
 the lectures, while occupying a back seat, at the even 
 sound of the professor's voice, to dream of something, and 
 to observe my companions ; loved sometimes to run down 
 to Materu to take a drink of brandy and a bite of some- 
 thing, and, though I knew the professors might afterward 
 get after me for it, timidly to open the creaking door, and 
 enter the lecture-room ; loved to take part in some practi- 
 
 445
 
 446 YOUTH 
 
 cal joke, when the different courses pressed against each 
 other in the corridor. All that was very jolly. 
 
 When everybody began to attend lectures more regu- 
 larly, and the professor of physics finished his course and 
 bade us good-bye until the examinations, and the students 
 collected their note-books and started to study in groups, 
 I, too, thought I ought to prepare myself. Operov, with 
 whom I continued to exchange greetings, but with whom 
 I was otherwise on a very distant footing, offered me, as I 
 mentioned before, his note-books, and even proposed that 
 I should come with other students to prepare the exami- 
 nations together with him. I thanked him and consented, 
 hoping by honouring him thus to wipe out our old mis- 
 understanding, but insisted that all the students should 
 come to my house, because I had pleasant quarters. 
 
 I was told that we should prepare, by turns, now at one 
 house, now at another, wherever it was most convenient 
 as to distance. The first time we met at the house of 
 Ziikhin. It was a small room with a partition, in a large 
 house on Trubn6y Boulevard. I was late that first day, and 
 arrived when they had begun to read. The smaU room 
 was filled with smoke from the strongest kind of tobacco, 
 which Ziikhin smoked. On the table stood a decanter 
 with brandy, a wine-glass, bread, salt, and a leg of mutton. 
 
 Ziikhin did not get up, but invited me to have a drink, 
 and take off my coat. 
 
 " I suppose you are not used to such a reception," he 
 added. 
 
 They all had on dirty chintz shirts and fronts. Trying 
 not to express my contempt for them, I took off my coat, 
 and lay down on the sofa, in an unconventional fashion. 
 Ziikhin was reading, occasionally consulting his note- 
 books; others stopped him and asked him questions 
 which he answered briefly, cleverly, and precisely. I lis- 
 tened, and asked him a question, since there was much 
 which I did not understand, not knowing what preceded.
 
 NEW COMPANIONS 447 
 
 "My friend, there is no use listening if you do not 
 know this," said Ziikhin. " I will give you the note- 
 books, you study it up for to-morrow ; there will other- 
 wise be no use explaining to you." I felt ashamed of my 
 ignorance, and, at the same time being conscious of the 
 justice of Ziikhin's remarks, I quit listening, and busied 
 myself with observing my new companions. According 
 to my classification into people comrtie il faxd, and people 
 not comme il faut, they obviously belonged to the second 
 division, and, consequently, aroused in me not only the 
 feeling of contempt, but also a certain personal hatred 
 which I experienced toward them, because, not being 
 comme il faut, they seemed to regard me merely as their 
 equal, and even to treat me in a condescending, though 
 kindly manner. This feeling was provoked in me by 
 their feet, their dirty hands with their bitten nails, by 
 Operov's long nail on his little finger, by their rose-coloured 
 shirts, their fronts, their swearing, which they jestingly 
 directed at each other, the dirty room, Zukhin's habit of 
 frequently clearing his nose by pressing his finger against 
 one nostril, and especially by their manner of pronouncing, 
 using, and accentuating certain words. For example, they 
 used the word " insensate " for " foolish," " precisely " for 
 " just," " superb " for " all right," and so forth, which 
 seemed to me bookish and detestably improper. I was 
 still more provoked to hatred by their accentuation of 
 some Russian, and especially foreign, words. 
 
 In spite of their repulsive exterior, which at that time 
 I was unable to overlook, I felt that there was something 
 good in these people, and, envying the jolly comradery 
 which united them, was drawn to these students, and 
 wished to become better acquainted with them, however 
 hard it was for me to do so. I already knew gentle, 
 honest Operov; now, I took a special liking for quick, 
 extremely clever Ziikhin, who evidently was a leader in 
 this circle. He was a small, thick-set man of dark com-
 
 448 YOUTH 
 
 plexion, with a somewhat swollen and always shining, but 
 exceedingly intelUgent, lively, and independent counte- 
 nance. This expression he owed mainly to a low, but 
 arched forehead over deep-set black eyes, bristly short 
 hair, and a thick black beard, which always looked 
 unshaven. He did not seem to be thinking about himself 
 (which always pleased me in people), and it was evident 
 that his brain was never idle. He had one of those 
 expressive faces which suddenly change in your opinion 
 a few hours after you have seen them for the first time. 
 This happened, in my opinion, with Zukhin's face toward 
 the end of that evening. Suddenly new wrinkles appeared 
 in his face, his eyes retreated farther, his smile became 
 different, and his whole countenance was so changed that 
 it was hard to recognize him. 
 
 When the reading was over, Zukhin, the other students, 
 and I drank a glass of brandy, and the decanter was almost 
 empty. Zukhin asked who had a quarter, so that he could 
 send the old woman, who waited on him, for some more 
 brandy. I offered him my money, but Zukhin turned 
 to Operov, as though he had not heard me, and Operov 
 took out his beaded purse, and gave him the required 
 coin. 
 
 " Look out and don't drink too much," said Operov, who 
 did not drink himself. 
 
 " Don't be afraid," answered Zukhin, sucking the mar- 
 row out of the bone of mutton (I remember how I thought 
 that it was his eating so much marrow that made him so 
 clever). " Don't be afraid," continued Zukhin, smiling 
 slightly, and his smile was usually such that you had to 
 notice it, and thank him for it. " Though I may drink a 
 bit, it will not harm me ; now, my friend, we shall see who 
 will beat whom, he me, or I him. It is all fixed, my 
 friend," he added, boastingly snapping his fingers against 
 his brow. " Now, I am afraid Sem^nov will flunk ; he has 
 been drinking hard."
 
 NEW COMPANIONS 449 
 
 So it happened : that very Sem^nov with the gray hair, 
 who had so much pleased me at the first examination 
 because he looked worse than I, and who, after having 
 passed his entrance examinations second on the list, had 
 in the first month of his student life regularly attended 
 his lectures, toward the end did not appear at all at the 
 university, having gone on a spree long before reviewing 
 time. 
 
 " Where is he ? " somebody asked. 
 
 " I have lost sight of him," continued Ziikhin. " Last 
 time we smashed ' Lisbon ' together. It was a superb 
 affair. Then, they say, there was something or other — 
 He has a great head ! There is a lot of fire in that man ! 
 A lot of brain ! It will be a pity if he goes to the dogs. 
 And he will, no doubt. He is not the kind of a lad, with 
 his impulses, to hold out at the university." 
 
 After a short chat, they went away, having first agreed 
 to meet the following days at Ziikhin's, as his room was 
 centrally located. When they went out, I felt embarrassed 
 because they aU walked, and I had a vehicle, so I timidly 
 proposed to Operov to take him home. Zukhin had fol- 
 lowed us out, and, having borrowed a rouble of Operov, 
 went away somewhere to pass the whole night. On our 
 way, Operov told me a great deal about Ziikhin's character 
 and manner of life. When I returned home I could not 
 fall asleep for a long time, as I pondered about these my 
 new acquaintances. I long wavered between respect for 
 them, to which their knowledge, their simplicity, honesty, 
 and poetry of youth, and careless bravery led me, and 
 revulsion, produced by their indecent exterior. In spite 
 of my best wishes, it was at that time literally impossible 
 for me to get on a close footing with them. Our concep- 
 tions were quite different. There was an abyss of shades 
 which for me constituted the whole charm and meaning of 
 life, but which was quite incomprehensible to them, and 
 vice versa. But the chief cause which made it impossible
 
 450 YOUTH 
 
 for us to get nearer to each other lay in the twenty-rouble 
 cloth of my coat, my vehicle, and fine linen shirts. This 
 cause was particularly important for me ; it seemed to me 
 that I involuntarily offended them with the signs of my 
 wealth. I felt guilty before them, and, now humbhng 
 myself, now feeling provoked for my undeserved humility, 
 and again passing to self-confidence, was entirely unable 
 to enter into equal, sincere relations with them. The 
 coarse and depraved side of Zukhin's character was at this 
 time drowned for me in that powerful poetry of daring, of 
 which I felt he was possessed, so that it did not affect me 
 unpleasantly. 
 
 I went nearly every evening for two weeks to Zukhin's 
 to study. I studied very little, however, because, as I have 
 already remarked, I was too far behind my classmates. I 
 did not have enough strength of character to study by 
 myself in order to catch up with them, and thus only pre- 
 tended I was listening and understanding what they were 
 reading. I thought my companions guessed I was feign- 
 ing, and I frequently noticed that they left out passages 
 which they knew, and never asked me about them. 
 
 With every day I more and more excused the irregulari- 
 ties of that circle, entering more into its life, and finding 
 more poetry in it. The word of honour, which I had given 
 to Dmitri that I would never go out carousing with them, 
 kept me back in my desire to share their pleasures. 
 
 Once I tried to boast to them of my knowledge of litera- 
 ture, particularly French, and led up the conversation to 
 it. To my astonishment I found that, although they pro- 
 nounced the foreign titles in Eussian, they had read a great 
 deal more than I, and that they knew and appreciated the 
 Enghsh, and even Spanish, authors, and Le Sage, whose 
 names even I had never heard. Pushkin and Zhuk6vski 
 were literature to them, and not, as to me, books in yellow 
 bindings, which I had read and learned when a child. They 
 despised Dumas, Sue, and F^val alike, and they all, espe-
 
 NEW COMPANIONS 451 
 
 cially Zilkhin, judged literature much better and clearer 
 than I, a fact which I could not help acknowledging. 
 
 Nor did I have any advantage over them in the knowl- 
 edge of music. To my still greater astonishment, Operov 
 played the violin, another student who came there played 
 the cello and the piano, and both played in the university 
 orchestra, knew music well, and appreciated what was good. 
 In short, everything of which I wanted to boast before 
 them, except my pronunciation of French and German, 
 they knew better than I, and were not in the least proud 
 of it. I might have bragged of my knowledge of the 
 world, but I was not possessed of it like Volodya. Then, 
 what was that height from which I looked down upon 
 them ? My acquaintance with Prince Ivan Ivanovich ? 
 My pronunciation of French ? My linen shirt ? My nails ? 
 But were not all these mere trifles ? It sometimes occurred 
 to me dimly, under the influence of the feeling of envy 
 which I had in that company and of the good-hearted 
 merriment which I observed. They all spoke " thou " to 
 each other. The simplicity of their address frequently 
 reached coarseness, but even under that coarse exterior 
 could be noticed a constant fear of offending one another. 
 " Rascal," " pig," which they employed as words of endear- 
 ment, were irksome to me, and gave me cause for making 
 fun of them inwardly ; but these words did not oJEfend 
 them, and did not prevent their being on a very friendly 
 and intimate footing. In their relations with each other 
 they were as careful and refined as only very poor and 
 very young people can be. The main thing was, I felt a 
 broad, daring sweep in Ziikhin's character, and in his 
 exploits in " Lisbon." I imagined that these carousals 
 were something quite different from that hypocrisy with 
 the burnt rum and champagne, in which I had taken part 
 at the house of Baron Z .
 
 XLIV. 
 
 Z^KHIN AND SEMENOV 
 
 I DO not know to what condition of life Zukhin belonged, 
 
 but I know that he had been a Gymnasiast at S , was 
 
 without any means, and, it seems, was not of the gentry. 
 He was then about eighteen years of age, though he looked 
 much older. He was uncommonly clever, but especially 
 quick-witted : it was easier for him at once to grasp a whole, 
 complicated subject, to foresee all its details and deductions, 
 than consciously to judge the laws by which these deduc- 
 tions were arrived at. He knew he was clever, was proud 
 of it, and, on account of this pride, was equally simple in 
 his relations with everybody, and kind-hearted. He had, 
 no doubt, experienced much in life. His impassioned, re- 
 ceptive nature had had time to receive the impress of love, 
 friendship, affairs, and money matters. Though in a small 
 way, and only in the lower strata of society, there was not 
 a thing for which, if he had experienced it, he did not have 
 something like contempt, or indifference and inattention, 
 which originated in the great facihty with which every- 
 thing came to him. He seemed to take up with ardour 
 everything new, only in order to scorn it the moment he 
 had attained his end, — and his apt nature always attained 
 its ends, and the right to scorn them. 
 
 The same was true of his sciences : though he did not 
 study much, nor take down notes, he knew mathematics 
 excellently, and it was not an idle boast when he said he 
 would beat his professor. He considered many of the 
 
 452
 
 ZUKHIN AND SEMENOV 453 
 
 lectures the merest nonsense, but with the unconscious 
 practical temporizing which was inherent in his nature, 
 he easily fell in with the professors, and they liked him. 
 He was brusque in his relations with the authorities, but 
 the authorities respected him. He had no regard nor love 
 for the sciences, and even had contempt for those who seri- 
 ously strove to acquire what came to him so easily. The 
 sciences, as he understood them, did not occupy one-tenth 
 of his faculties ; Hfe as a student did not offer him any- 
 thing to which he could devote himself entirely ; and his 
 impassioned, active nature, as he himself said, demanded 
 life, and he gave himself up to carousing, according to his 
 means, with ardour and with the desire to wear himself 
 out completely. Just before the examinations, Operov's 
 prediction came true. He disappeared for two weeks, and 
 we had to study at the house of another student. But at 
 the first examination he appeared in the hall, pale, emaci- 
 ated, with trembhng hands, and was brilliantly promoted 
 to the second course. 
 
 In the beginning of the year there were some eight men 
 in the band of carousers, of which Zukhin was the leader. 
 Among their number were at first Ikonin and Sem^nov, 
 but Ik(5nin withdrew from the company, being unable to 
 stand all the reckless orgies to which they abandoned them- 
 selves in the beginning of the year, and Semenov withdrew, 
 because it was not enough for him. In the beginning every- 
 body in our course looked with terror at them, and told 
 each other their exploits. 
 
 The chief heroes of these exploits were Zukhin, and 
 toward the end of the year, Semenov. Semenov finally 
 was looked upon with a certain terror, and when he made 
 his appearance at a lecture, which was rather rarely, the 
 whole lecture-room was agitated. 
 
 Semenov ended his carousing activities immediately 
 before the examinations in a most energetic and original 
 manner, and I was a witness to it, thanks to my acquaint-
 
 454 YOUTH 
 
 ance with Ziikhin. It happened like this. One evening, 
 when we had just come together at Ziikhin's, and Operov, 
 having placed near himself one candle in a candlestick and 
 another in a bottle, had lowered his head and begun to 
 read in his thin voice his finely written note-books of 
 physics, the landlady entered the room and announced to 
 Ziikhin that somebody had brought a note for him —
 
 XLV. 
 
 I FLUNKED 
 
 At last came the first examination, in differential and 
 integral calculus, while I was still living in a strange mist, 
 and was not clearly conscious of what was awaiting me. 
 In the evenings, when I returned from my visits to Zukhin's 
 company, I was haunted by the thought that I ought to 
 modify my convictions, that there was something vvTong 
 in them ; but in the morning, in the sunshine, I again 
 became comme il faut, was satisfied with it, and did not 
 desire any changes. 
 
 I was in such a frame of mind when I arrived at my 
 first examination. I sat down on the bench where princes, 
 counts, and barons sat, began to converse with them in 
 French, and, however strange it may seem, it did not even 
 occur to me that very soon I should have to answer ques- 
 tions in a subject I knew nothing about. I looked calmly 
 at all who went up to be examined, and even permitted 
 myself to make fun of some of them. 
 
 " Well, Grap," I said to Ilinka, when he returned from 
 the table, " are you scared ? " 
 
 " We shall see how you will do," said Ilinka, who had 
 revolted against my influence, ever since he had entered 
 the university, did not smile when I spoke to him, and was 
 ill disposed toward me. 
 
 I smiled contemptuously at Ilinka's answer, although 
 the doubt which he had expressed frightened me for a 
 moment. But a mist again shrouded that feeling, and I 
 
 4r'5
 
 466 YOUTH 
 
 continued to be absent-minded and indifferent, so that 
 
 I promised Baron Z to go and lunch with him at 
 
 Matem's as soon as I should be examined, as though that 
 were the merest trifle for me. When I was called out 
 together with Ikdnin, I straightened out the skirts of my 
 uniform, and in the coldest blood walked up to the exam- 
 ination table. 
 
 A light chill of terror ran down my back only when the 
 young professor, the same that had examined me at the 
 entrance examination, looked straight at me, and I touched 
 the paper on which the tickets were written. Ikdnin, 
 who picked up a ticket with the same swagger as he had 
 done at the previous examinations, answered a thing or 
 two, though badly ; but I did what he had done at his first 
 examinations — even worse, for I took a second ticket, and 
 did not answer even that. The professor looked pitifully 
 at me, and in a quiet, but firm voice said : 
 
 " You will not pass to the second course, Mr. Irt^nev. 
 You had better not try the other examinations. The 
 department has to be cleaned up. And you, too, Mr. 
 Ikdnin," he added. 
 
 Ikdnin asked permission to be reexamined, as a special 
 favour, but the professor answered him that he would not 
 be able to do in two days what he had not done in 
 the course of a year, and that he would pass under no 
 conditions. Ikdnin begged him again, piteously and 
 humbly, but the professor declined again. 
 
 " You may go, gentlemen," he said, in the same loud, 
 but firm voice. 
 
 Not until then did I decide to leave the table, and I 
 felt ashamed because I had with my sUent presence, as it 
 were, taken part in Ikdnin's humiliating prayers. I do 
 not remember how I crossed the hall past the students, 
 what I answered to their questions, how I walked out into 
 the vestibule, and how I reached home ! I was aggrieved 
 and humihated, — I was truly wretched.
 
 I FLUNKED 457 
 
 For three days I did not leave my room, saw nobody, 
 sought, as in my childhood, consolation in tears, and wept 
 much. I looked for pistols with which to shoot myself, 
 if I should make up my mind to do so. I thought Iliuka 
 Grap would spit in my face upon meeting me, and that 
 he would be right in doing so ; that Operov rejoiced at 
 my misfortune and told everybody of it ; that Kolpikdv 
 was quite right when he insulted me at Yar's ; that my 
 stupid speeches with Princess Korndkov could have had 
 no other results, and so forth. All the oppressive mo- 
 ments of my life, so tormenting to my egoism, passed, one 
 after another, through my mind ; I tried to accuse some 
 one in particular of my misfortune ; thought that some- 
 body had done it on purpose ; concocted a whole intrigue 
 against myself ; murmured against the professors, against 
 my classmates, against Volodya, against Dmitri, and 
 against papa for having sent me to the university ; mur- 
 mured against Providence for having permitted me to live 
 to such a disgrace. Finally, feeling that I was com- 
 pletely undone in the eyes of all those who knew me, I 
 asked father to let me become a hussar, or go to the 
 Caucasus. Papa was dissatisfied with me, but, seeing my 
 terrible grief, consoled me, saying that, however bad it 
 was, it might be mended by my going over into another de- 
 partment. Volodya, too, who did not see anything terri- 
 ble in my misfortune, said that in another department I 
 should at least not have to be ashamed before my new 
 classmates. 
 
 Our ladies did not understand at all, and did not wish, 
 or were not able, to understand what an examination was, 
 what it meant to be promoted, and were sorry for me only 
 because they saw my grief. Dmitri came to see me every 
 day, and was all the time very kind and considerate of 
 me, but I thought that for that very reason he had cooled 
 off to me. It always pained and mortified me when he 
 came up-stairs and silently seated himself near me, with
 
 458 YOUTH 
 
 something of the expression with which a physician sits 
 down on the bed of a dangerously sick man. Sofya 
 Ivanovna and V^renka sent me through him some books 
 which I had desired to have, and wanted me to come to 
 see them ; but in this very attention I saw a haughty, 
 offensive condescension for a man who had fallen very 
 low. Three or four days later I calmed down a little, 
 but did not leave the house until the day of our departure 
 to the country, and continued to walk aimlessly from one 
 room to another, all the time brooding over my sorrow, 
 and trying to evade all the people of the house. 
 
 I thought and thought, and finally, late one evening, 
 when I was down-stairs all alone, and listening to Avdd- 
 tya Vasilevna's waltz, I suddenly jumped up, ran up-stairs, 
 fetched the note-book on which was written "Eules of 
 Life," opened it, and was overcome by repentance and 
 moral impulse. I burst out into tears, but no longer tears 
 of repentance. Having regained my composure, I deter- 
 mined again to write down the rules of life, and I was 
 convinced that I would never again do anything wrong, 
 would never pass an idle moment, and never be false to my 
 rules. 
 
 I shall teU in the next, happier half of my youth, 
 whether this moral impulse lasted long, in what it con- 
 sisted, and what new principles it furnished for my moral 
 development.
 
 .mm- 

 
 458 touTH 
 
 US- ■ H I >f ^;>4>res8ion with which a physician .^ 
 
 «»n ohf bed of a dangerously sick man. H<jlya 
 
 aud Varcnka 5?ent me through him some books 
 
 uid desired to liave, and wanted me to come to 
 
 ncm, but in this very attention I saw a haughty, 
 
 )j.' ivsive condescension for a man who had fallen very 
 
 ]«•>. Three w four days later I calmed down a little, 
 
 \}\\i did not leave the house until the day of our departure 
 
 tv the country, and continued to walk aimlessly from one 
 
 roonj to another, all the time brooding over my sorrow, 
 
 and trying to evade all the people of the house. 
 
 I thought and thought, and finally, late one evening, 
 when I was down-stairs a]l alone, and listening to Avd<5- 
 i ya Vasilevna's waltz, I suddenly jumped up, ran up-»tairs, 
 i^'cched the note-book on which was written " Ru1«m> of 
 Life," oj>eiiod it, and was overcome by repentance and 
 moral impulse. T burst out into tears, but no longer tears 
 of repentance. Having regained my composure, I deter- 
 mined again to writo down the rules of life, and I was 
 convinced that I would nf-ver again do anything wrong, 
 would never pass an idle moment, and never be false to my 
 rules. 
 
 I shall te^l happier half of my } 
 
 whether this w. '■■ ! long, in what it • u)- 
 
 sist^'d, and what ?. arnished for my moral 
 
 development. 
 
 Portrait of Tolstoy at the Age of 23 
 
 PhotOi^ravur,- from Daguetrfotype takrn in iSji
 
 THE INCURSION 
 
 Story of a Volunteer 
 1852
 
 THE INCURSION 
 
 Story of a Volunteer 
 
 I. 
 
 On the 12 th of July Captain Khldpov walked in 
 through the low door of my earth-hut, wearing his 
 epaulets and sabre, in which uniform I had not seen him 
 since my arrival in the Caucasus. 
 
 " I am directly from the colonel," he said, answering 
 the interrogative glance with which I met him ; " to-mor- 
 row our battalion will start." 
 
 "Whither?" I asked. 
 
 " To N . The troops are to rendezvous there." 
 
 " And from there, I suppose, they will go into action ? " 
 
 " No doubt." 
 
 " Where ? What do you think ? " 
 
 " Think ? I tell you what I know. Last night a Tartar 
 came galloping from the general, — he brought an order 
 for the battalion to move and take two days' rations of 
 hardtack along. But where, why, how long, my friend, 
 that we do not ask ; we are told to go, and that is 
 enough." 
 
 " But if you only take two days' rations of hardtack, 
 the troops will not be held there longer, it seems." 
 
 " Well, that does not mean anything yet — " 
 
 " How so ? " I asked, in astonishment. 
 
 461
 
 462 THE INCURSION 
 
 " Just SO ! When they went to Dargi they took hard- 
 tack for a week, and stayed almost a month." 
 
 ".Shall I be allowed to go with you ? " I asked, after a 
 moment's silence. 
 
 " I suppose there will be no objection, but my advice is 
 not to go. What is the use risking — " 
 
 " No, you must permit me not to take your adyice ; I 
 have been living a whole month here only to get a chance 
 to see an action, — and you want me to miss it." 
 
 " All right, go ; only, really, do you not think you had 
 better stay ? You might wait for us here, and go out 
 hunting in the meantime ; and we should go with God's 
 aid. It would be fine ! " he said, in such a persuasive tone 
 that in the first moment it really appeared to me to be 
 fine ; but I said with firmness that I would not stay for 
 anything. 
 
 "What is it you have not seen there?" the captain 
 continued to persuade me. " Do you want to find out 
 what battles are like ? Read Mikhaylovski-Danil^vski's 
 ' Description of War ; ' it is a fine book : he describes 
 there in detail where every corps is put, and how the 
 battle takes place." 
 
 " On the contrary, that does not interest me," I 
 answered. 
 
 " Well, then what ? You just want to see, I suppose, 
 how people are killed ? Now, in 1832 there was a certain 
 gentleman here. I think he was a Spaniard. He took 
 part in two expeditions with us, wearing some kind of 
 a blue uniform ; the lad was killed. You can't astonish 
 anybody here, my friend." 
 
 However annoyed I was because the captain so badly 
 interpreted my intention, I did not attempt to disillusion 
 him. 
 
 " Was he a brave fellow ? " I asked him. 
 
 " God knows ! He insisted on riding in the van ; 
 wherever there was an engagement he was sure to be."
 
 THE INCURSION 463 
 
 " Then he was brave," I said. 
 
 "No, it does not mean bravery to push yourself for- 
 ward where you are not wanted — " 
 
 " What do you call bravery ? " 
 
 " Bravery ? bravery ? " repeated the captain, with the 
 mien of a man to whom such a question is put for the 
 first time. " Brave is he who acts as is proper," he said, 
 after a moment's thought. 
 
 I recalled that Plato defined bravery as the knowledge 
 of what one ought to fear and what not, and, in spite of 
 the generality and obscurity in the captain's definition, I 
 considered that the fundamental thought of both was not 
 so different as might appear, and that the definition of 
 the captain was even more correct than that of the Greek 
 philosopher, because if he could have expressed himself 
 like Plato, he no doubt would have said that he is brave 
 who is afraid only of what one ought to be afraid of, and 
 not of that which one should not fear. 
 
 I wanted to explain my idea to the captain. 
 
 " Yes," he said, " it seems to me that in every danger 
 there is a choice, and the choice made, for example, under 
 the influence of the feeling of duty is bravery, and the 
 choice made under the influence of a base feeling is 
 cowardice ; therefore, a man cannot be called brave who 
 risks his life out of vanity, or curiosity or greed ; on the 
 other hand, a man cannot be called a coward who declines 
 a danger under the influence of an honest feeling of 
 domestic obligation or simply from conviction." 
 
 The captain looked at me with a strange expression all 
 the time I was speaking. 
 
 " I do not know how to prove that to you," he said, 
 filling his pipe, " but we have here a lieutenant who likes 
 to philosophize. You talk with him. He writes poetry, 
 too." 
 
 I had become acquainted with the captain in the Cau- 
 casus, but had known of him before in Eussia. His
 
 464 THE INCURSION 
 
 mother, M^rya Ivdnovna Klil6pov, a small landed propri- 
 etress, was living two versts from my estate. I had been 
 at her house before my departure for the Caucasus. The 
 old woman was very happy to hear that I should see her 
 P^shenka (so she called the gray-haired old captain), and, 
 being a living epistle, should be able to tell him about 
 her life and transmit a package to him. Having treated 
 me to excellent pastry and goose-meat, Marya Ivanovna 
 went into her sleeping-room and returned with a black, 
 fairly large amulet, to which was attached a black silk 
 ribbon. 
 
 "This is Our Mother, the Protectress of the Burning 
 Bush," she said, making the sign of the cross and kissing 
 the image of the Holy Virgin, and handed it over to me. 
 " Do me the favour, my dear sir, and try to get it to him. 
 You see, when he went to the Caucasus I had mass cele- 
 brated, and made a vow I would order this image of the 
 Holy Virgin, if he should be hale and unharmed. The 
 Protectress and the holy saints have preserved him these 
 eighteen years : he has not been wounded once, and yet 
 he has been in all kinds of battles ! As Mikhaylo, who 
 has been with him, told me, it is enough to make one's 
 hair stand on end, you know. All I know of him is from 
 strangers: he, my dove, does not write a word to me 
 about his expeditions, — he is afraid he would frighten 
 me." 
 
 Only in the Caucasus I learned, but not from the cap- 
 tain, that he had been severely wounded four times, and 
 naturally he had written nothing to his mother about the 
 expeditions, no more than about the wounds. 
 
 " So let him wear this holy image," she continued. " I 
 bless him with it. The All-holy Protectress will defend 
 him ! Particularly in battles let him always have it on. 
 Just tell him, sir, that his mother orders him to do so." 
 
 I promised to transmit her exact message. 
 
 " I know you will like him, my Pdshenka," the old
 
 THE INCURSION 466 
 
 woman continued. " He is just a fine fellow ! Will you 
 believe it, not a year passes without his sending me some 
 money, and he helps liberally my daughter, Annushka ; 
 and all that comes out of his salary ! I truly praise the 
 Lord all my life," she concluded, with tears in her eyes, 
 " for having given me such a child." 
 
 " Does he write you often ? " I asked. 
 
 " But rarely, my dear sir : about once a year, and then 
 only when he sends the money, so he adds a word, and 
 sometimes not. ' If,' says he, ' I do not write you, mother, 
 you know I am well and ahve ; and if anything should 
 happen, the Lord prevent it, they will let you know with- 
 out me.'" 
 
 When I gave the captain his mother's present (that 
 happened in my quarters), he asked for a piece of wrap- 
 ping-paper, carefully wrapped it, and put it away. I told 
 him a good deal about the details of his mother's life : the 
 captain was silent. When I was through, he went into 
 the corner, and was uncommonly long in filling his 
 pipe. 
 
 " Yes, a fine old woman ! " he said from there, in a 
 somewhat dull voice, " I wonder whether God will let me 
 see her once more." 
 
 In these simple words were expressed very much love 
 and sorrow, ' 
 
 " Why do you serve here ? " I said. 
 
 " I have to serve," he answered with conviction. " You 
 know double pay means a great deal for a poor fellow 
 like me." 
 
 The captain Uved frugally; he did not play cards, 
 rarely caroused, and smoked common tobacco, which he, 
 no one knew why, called " Sambrotalik " tobacco. I had 
 taken a liking to the captain ere this : he had one of 
 those simple, quiet Eussian countenances, into the eyes 
 of which it is pleasant and easy to look straight; but 
 after this chat I felt a genuine respect for him.
 
 11. 
 
 At four o'clock in the morning, on the following day, 
 the captain came after me. He was dressed in an old, 
 worn-out coat without epaulets, Lezgian broad pantaloons, 
 a white fur cap, with its hair turned yellow and uncurl- 
 ing, and an unsightly Asiatic sabre over his shoulder. 
 The white pony on which he rode walked with drooping 
 head, in a slow amble, and continually switching his 
 scanty tail. Though the figure of the good captain was 
 not very soldierly, and was even unattractive, there was 
 expressed in it so much indifference to everything sur- 
 rounding him, that it inspired involuntary respect. 
 
 I did not keep him waiting even a minute, immediately 
 mounted my horse, and we rode out together beyond the 
 gate of the fortress. 
 
 The battalion was some fifteen hundred feet ahead of 
 us, and appeared a black, solid, waving mass. One could 
 guess that it was infantry from the fact that the bayonets 
 could be seen hke a forest of long needles, and now and 
 then we heard the sounds of a soldier song, of the drum, 
 and of the superb tenor of the singer of Company Six, 
 which I had greatly enjoyed in the fortress. The road 
 lay through the middle of a deep and broad ravine, 
 along the bank of a small river, which at that time was 
 " playing," that is, overrunning its banks. Flocks of wild 
 pigeons circled near it; they now alighted on the stony 
 bank, now, turning around in the air, and making large 
 circles, disappeared from sight. The sun was not yet to 
 be seen, but the higher places on the right of the ravine 
 
 466
 
 THE INCURSION 467 
 
 were beginning to be illuminated. The gray and whitish 
 rocks, the yellowish green moss, the dew-drenched bushes 
 of the holly, the medlar, and the buckthorn were defined 
 with extraordinary clearness and relief in the transparent 
 golden light of the east ; but the other side, and the hollow, 
 which was covered with a dense mist that wavered in 
 smoky, uneven layers, were damp and gloomy, and repre- 
 sented an indefinable mixture of colours, pale violet, 
 almost black, dark green, and white. Right in front of 
 us, against the deep azure of the horizon, were seen with 
 striking clearness the glaringly white, dull masses of the 
 snow-capped mountains, with their fantastic, but minutely 
 exquisite, shadows and contours. Crickets, grasshoppers, 
 and thousands of other insects were awake in the tall 
 grass, and filled the air with their sharp, uninterrupted 
 sounds : it seemed as though an endless number of the 
 tiaiest bells were jingling in your ears. The air was 
 redolent with the water, the grass, and the mist — in 
 short, redolent with an early, beautiful summer morning. 
 The captain struck fire, and lighted his pipe ; the odour 
 of the Sambrotalik tobacco and the tinder seemed 
 unusually pleasant to me. 
 
 We rode at the side of the road, in order to catch up 
 with the infantry as quickly as possible. The captain 
 seemed more pensive than usual, did not let his Daghestan 
 pipe for a moment out of his mouth, and at every step 
 urged on with his heels his pony, which, waddling from 
 side to side, made a barely perceptible, dark green track 
 over the tall, damp grass. From under his very feet a 
 pheasant flew up, with its pecuhar call, and with that 
 noise of the wing which makes a hunter tremble with 
 involuntary excitement, and slowly rose in the air. The 
 captain did not pay the least attention to it. 
 
 We caught up with the battalion, when behind us was 
 heard the tramp of a galloping horse, and immediately a 
 handsome, youthful man, in the coat of an officer and a
 
 468 THE INCURSION 
 
 tall fur cap, passed by us. When he lined up with us, he 
 smiled, nodded to the captain, and swung his whip — I 
 had time only to observe that he sat in his saddle and 
 held the bridle with extreme grace, and that he had 
 beautiful black eyes, a delicate nose, and a barely sprout- 
 ing moustache. I was particularly pleased with his 
 smile when he saw us admiring him. From this smile 
 alone I could judge that he was very young. 
 
 " Where does he gallop to ? " mumbled the captain, 
 with a dissatisfied countenance, without taking the pipe 
 out of his mouth. 
 
 « Who is he ? " I asked him. 
 
 " Ensign Alanin, a subaltern of my company, — he 
 came last month only from the military school" 
 
 " I suppose he is going for the first time into action," I 
 said. 
 
 " That's what makes him so awfully happy ! " answered 
 the captain, thoughtfully shaking his head. " Oh, youth ! " 
 
 " But why should he not be happy ? I know that for a 
 young ofl&cer that must be very interesting." 
 
 The captain was silent for two or three minutes. 
 
 " That's why I say. Oh, youth ! " he continued in a bass 
 voice. "It is easy enough to be happy before having 
 seen anything ! You don't feel quite so happy after a few 
 expeditions. There are now some twenty officers in this 
 expedition ; somebody or other is going to be killed, or 
 wounded, so much is certain. To-day I, to-morrow he, 
 day after to-morrow somebody else, — then why not be 
 happy ? "
 
 m. 
 
 The bright sun had scarcely issued from behind a 
 mountain, and begun to light up the valley over which 
 we were marching, when the billowing clouds of mist were 
 dispersed, and it grew warm. The soldiers, with their guns 
 and sacks upon their shoulders, were marching slowly on 
 the dusty road ; in the ranks could be heard from time to 
 time Little-Eussian conversation, and laughter. A few old 
 soldiers, in linen blouses, — mostly sergeants, — walked, 
 smoking, at one side of the road, and carried on a sober 
 conversation. Three-horse carts, laden to the top, moved 
 in slow step, and raised a dense, immovable cloud of dust. 
 The officers rode on horseback in front : some, as they say 
 in the Caucasus, dzhigitted, that is, striking their horses 
 with their whips, made them take four or five leaps, after 
 which they checked them abruptly, and made them turn 
 their heads back; others were interested in the singers, 
 who, in spite of the oppressive heat, gave one song after 
 another, without interruption. 
 
 About two hundred yards in front of the infantry, rode 
 on a large white horse a tall and handsome officer in an 
 Asiatic dress, surrounded by Tartars on horseback ; he was 
 known in the regiment as a desperately brave fellow and 
 as one who would blurt out the truth to a man's face, 
 whoever he might be. He was dressed in a black Tartar 
 half-coat with galloons, similar leggings, new, tightly fitting 
 shoes with trimmings, a yellow mantle, and a tall fur cap 
 poised on the back of his head. On his breast and back 
 were silver galloons, to which were attached the cartridge- 
 
 469
 
 470 THE INCURSION 
 
 pouch in front, and a pistol behind ; another pistol and a 
 poniard set in silver hung down from his belt. Above all 
 this he was girded with a sabre in a red morocco leather 
 sheath, and over his shoulder was slung a musket in a black 
 case. 
 
 From his dress, poise, carriage, and, in general, from all 
 his movements, it was evident that he tried to look like a 
 Tartar. He even spoke in a language that I did not know 
 to the Tartars who were riding with him ; but from the 
 perplexed and derisive glances which they cast at each 
 other, I concluded that they did not understand him 
 either. He was one of our young officers, dzhigit-braves, 
 who form their ideas from Marlinski and L^rmontov. 
 These people look upon the Caucasus only through the 
 prism of the " Heroes of Our Time," of Mulla-Nur, and so 
 forth, and in all their actions are guided not by their own 
 inclinations, but by the example of these heroes. 
 
 The heutenant may have been fond of the society of 
 refined women and distinguished men, — generals, colonels, 
 adjutants, — I am even convinced that he was very fond 
 of this society, because he was exceeding vain, but he 
 considered it his absolute duty to turn out his rough side 
 to all distinguished people, though he was but moder- 
 ately impertinent to them ; and when a lady appeared in 
 the fortress, he regarded it as his duty to pass under her 
 window with his chums, dressed in nothing but a red 
 shirt and his shoes on his bare feet, and to cry and curse 
 at the top of his voice, not so much in order to insult her 
 as to show her what beautiful white feet he had, and how 
 it would be possible to fall in love with him if he 
 wanted it. 
 
 Or, he would frequently go in the night with two or 
 three peaceable Tartars into the mountains, in order to lie 
 in ambush for and kill hostile Tartars, although his heart 
 told him more than once that there was no bravery in 
 that; he regarded it as his duty to make people suffer
 
 THE INCURSION 471 
 
 in whom he pretended to be disappointed, or whom 
 he thought he had to scorn or hate. He never took 
 off two things from his body : a large image which hung 
 from his neck, and a poniard above his shirt, with 
 which he even lay down to sleep. He was sincerely con- 
 vinced that he had enemies. It was his greatest delight 
 to persuade himself that he had to wreak vengeance on 
 somebody and wash out an insult with blood. He was 
 convinced that hatred, vengeance, and contempt for the 
 human race were the most elevated, most poetical of senti- 
 ments. But his mistress, a Circassian woman, of course, 
 whom I had occasion to meet, told me that he was a very 
 kind and mild man, and that every evening he wrote his 
 gloomy memoirs, cast his accounts on lined paper, and, 
 kneeling, prayed to God. 
 
 How much he had suffered in order to appear to himself 
 what he had set out to be, because his companions and the 
 soldiers could not understand him as he wished ! Once, 
 during his nightly expeditions on the road with his chums, 
 he happened to wound a hostile Chechen with a bullet in 
 the leg, and to take him prisoner. This Chechen afterward 
 lived for seven weeks with the heutenant, and the lieutenant 
 took care of him and attended to him, as if he were his 
 nearest friend, and when he was cured, the lieutenant sent 
 him away with gifts. Afterward, the lieutenant happened 
 during an expedition to have wandered away from the 
 cordon ; while he was returning the fire of the enemy, he 
 heard some one call him by name, and his wounded Tartar 
 friend rode out and invited the lieutenant with signs to do 
 the same. The lieutenant rode up to his friend, and shook 
 hands with him. The mountaineers stood aloof, and did 
 not shoot ; but the moment the lieutenant wheeled his 
 horse around, a few men shot at him, and one bullet 
 grazed him below the spine. Upon another occasion I 
 saw, at night, a conflagration in the fortress, and two com- 
 panies of soldiers were trying to put it out. In the crowd.
 
 472 THE INCURSION 
 
 which was illuminated by the blood-red glare of the fire, 
 suddenly appeared a tall figure on a jet-black horse. The 
 figure pushed the crowd aside, and rode up to the very fire. 
 When the lieutenant came close to it, he leaped from his 
 horse and rushed into the house that was burning in one 
 corner. Five minutes later the lieutenant came out from 
 it with singed hair and a burn on his elbow, carrying in 
 his bosom two young doves which he had saved from the 
 fire. 
 
 His name was Eosenkranz ; he frequently spoke of his 
 genealogy, in some way or other deducing it from the 
 Varengians, and proved conclusively that he and his 
 ancestors had been pure Eussians.
 
 IV. 
 
 The sun had passed half of its journey, and cast its hot 
 rays across the heated air upon the parched earth. The 
 dark blue sky was entirely clear ; only the bases of the 
 snow-capped mountains were beginning to be clothed in 
 pale violet clouds. The motionless air seemed to be filled 
 with a transparent dust ; it grew intolerably hot. Having 
 reached a small stream, which crossed the road, the army 
 halted. The soldiers stacked their arms, and plunged 
 into the brook ; the commander of the battalion sat down 
 in the shade on a drum, and, expressing in his full face 
 the degree of his rank, was getting ready to lunch with 
 several of the officers ; the captain lay down in the grass 
 under the company's cart ; brave Lieutenant Kosenkranz 
 and a few younger officers spread out their felt mantles, 
 and, seating themselves upon them, began to carouse, as 
 could be seen from the display of flagons and bottles all 
 about them, and from the extraordinary animation of the 
 singers who stood before them in a semicircle, and in a 
 piping voice imitated a Lezgian girl singing a Caucasian 
 dancing-song : 
 
 " Shamil started a rebellion 
 In the years gone by — 
 Tray-ray, ra-ta-tay — 
 In the years gone by." 
 
 Among the number of these officers was also the youth- 
 ful ensign who had caught up with us in the morning. 
 He was very funny : his eyes were sparkling, his tongue 
 
 473
 
 474 THE INCURSION ■ 
 
 was a little heavy ; he wanted to kiss everybody, and 
 make love to them. Poor boy ! He did not know that 
 he might appear ridiculous by such actions ; that his 
 frankness and tenderness, with which he annoyed the 
 others, would lead the others, not to love him, which he 
 was striving for, but to ridicule him ; nor did he know 
 that when he, heated up, at last threw himself down on 
 the mantle and, leaning on his arm, threw back his thick 
 black hair, he was uncommonly handsome. 
 
 Two officers were seated under a cart and played " Old 
 Maid " on a hamper. 
 
 I listened with curiosity to the conversations of the 
 soldiers and officers, and attentively watched the expres- 
 sion of their faces, but not in one of them was I able to 
 observe even a shadow of that restlessness which I myself 
 was experiencing : the jokes, the laughter, and the stories 
 expressed a general carelessness and indifference to the 
 impending danger, as though it would be preposterous to 
 suppose that some of them would never return along this 
 road!
 
 After six o'clock in the evening we entered, dusty and 
 
 tired, through the broad, fortified gate of Fort N . The 
 
 sun was setting and cast its slanting, rose-coloured rays 
 on the picturesque little batteries and on the gardens 
 with their tall poplars, which surrounded the fort, on the 
 ripening fields, and on the white clouds which, crowding 
 together near the snow-capped mountains, as if to imitate 
 them, formed a not less fantastic and beautiful chain. A 
 young half-moon was visible in the horizon, resembling a 
 transparent cloud. In the village which nestled near the 
 gate, a Tartar on the roof of a hut was calling the faithful 
 to prayer. The singers burst forth with new abandon- 
 ment and energy. 
 
 After resting and making my toilet I went to an adju- 
 tant who was an acquaintance of mine, and asked him to 
 report my intentions to the general. On my way from 
 the suburb where I lodged, I noticed something in the 
 fortress which I had least expected. A fine-looking, two- 
 seated carriage, in which I saw a fashionable bonnet and 
 heard a French conversation, passed by me. From the 
 open window of the commandant's house were borne the 
 sounds of a " Lizanka " or " Kdtenka " polka, played on a 
 wretched piano, out of tune. A few scribes were sitting, 
 with cigarettes in their hands, over glasses of wine, in the 
 inn by which I had just passed, and I heard one telhng 
 the other : " Now, permit me, when it comes to politics, 
 Mdrya Grigorevna is a first-class lady." A Jew with 
 
 475
 
 476 THE INCURSION 
 
 stooping shoulders and sickly countenance, dressed in a 
 threadbare coat, dragged along a squeaking, broken hand- 
 organ, and over the whole suburb were borne the sounds 
 of the finale from " Lucia." Two women, in rustling gar- 
 ments, wrapped in silk kerchiefs, and with brightly col- 
 oured parasols in their hands, sailed by me on the board 
 sidewalk. Two maidens, one in a pink, the other in a 
 blue dress, with bare heads, stood near the mound of 
 a small house, and burst out in a forced, subdued laugh, 
 with the evident purpose of attracting the attention of the 
 officers who passed by. The officers, in new coats, white 
 gloves, and shining epaulets, paraded in the streets and 
 in the boulevard. 
 
 I found my acquaintance in the lower story of the 
 general's house. I had just explained my wish to him, 
 and he had told me that it was very likely it would be 
 fulfilled, — when the fine carriage, which I had noticed at 
 the entrance, rumbled by the window where we were sit- 
 ting. A tall, stately gentleman in the uniform of the 
 infantry, with the epaulets of a major, came out of the 
 carriage, and went up to the general. 
 
 " Oh, pardon me, if you please," said the adjutant to 
 me, rising from his seat, " I must announce him to the 
 general" 
 
 " Who is it that has arrived ? " I asked him. 
 
 " The countess," he answered, and buttoning up his 
 uniform, rushed up-stairs. 
 
 A few minutes later, a rather small, but very handsome 
 man, with a white cross in his buttonhole, came out of 
 the entrance. He was followed by the major, the adju- 
 tant, and two other officers. In the gait, the voice, and 
 all the movements of the general could be seen a man 
 who was well aware of his high importance. 
 
 " Bonsoir, Madame la Comtesse," he said, putting his 
 hand through the carriage window. 
 
 A little hand in a dogskin glove pressed his hand, and
 
 THE INCURSION 477 
 
 a pretty, smiling face in a yellow bonnet appeared in the 
 window. 
 
 Of the whole conversation, which lasted several min- 
 utes, I heard only, as I passed, the general say, smiling : 
 
 " Vous savez, que fai fait voeu de combattre les infideles, 
 prcnez done garde de le devenir." 
 
 Laughter was heard in the carriage. 
 
 " Adieu done, cher general ! " 
 
 " Non, d, revoir" said the general, walking up the steps, 
 " n'oubliez pas, que je m'invite pour la soiree de demain." 
 
 The carriage rattled away. 
 
 " Here is a man," I thought, returning home, " who 
 has everything a Eussian strives for : rank, wealth, dis- 
 tinction, — and this man, before the battle, of which only 
 God knows the outcome, is jesting with a pretty woman, 
 and promising her to take tea with her on the morrow, 
 as though he had just met her at a ball ! " 
 
 At this adjutant's I met a man who surprised me even 
 
 more : it was a young lieutenant of K Eegiment, who 
 
 was distinguished for his almost feminine gentleness and 
 timidity, and who had come to the adjutant to pour 
 out his anger and annoyance upon the people who, he 
 thought, had intrigued against him so as to keep him 
 from an appointment in the impending action. He said 
 it was contemptible to act thus, that it was not at all 
 friendly to act so, that he would remember him, and 
 so forth. However much I watched the expression of 
 his face, however much I listened to the sound of his 
 voice, I could not help convincing myself that he was 
 not dissembhng in the least, but was really provoked and 
 aggrieved because he was not allowed to go to shoot Cir- 
 cassians and expose himself to their fire; he was as 
 aggrieved as is a child who is unjustly whipped. I was 
 absolutely unable to understand the thing.
 
 VI. 
 
 The army was to move at ten o'clock in the evening. 
 At half-past eight I mounted my horse, and rode to the 
 general's house ; but surmising that he and his adjutant 
 were busy, I stopped in the street, tied my horse to a 
 fence, and sat down on a mound, expecting to overtake 
 the general as soon as he should ride out. 
 
 The glare and heat of the sun had given way to the 
 coolness of the night and to the dim light of the young 
 moon, which was beginning to set, forming about itself 
 a pale, semicircular halo against the deep azure of the 
 starry heavens ; lights appeared in the windows of houses 
 and in the chinks of the shutters in the earth-huts. The 
 stately poplars of the gardens, which were visible against 
 the horizon beyond the whitewashed, moonlit earth-huts 
 with their reed-thatched roofs, seemed taller and blacker. 
 
 The long shadows of the houses, the trees, and the 
 fences fell picturesquely on the illuminated, dusty road. 
 The frogs dinned ^ incessantly in the river ; in the streets 
 were heard, now hasty steps and conversation, now the 
 galloping of a horse; from the suburb now and then 
 the sound of a hand-organ reached me ; now it was *' The 
 winds are blowing," now some " Aurora-Walzer." 
 
 I will not tell what I was pondering over ; in the first 
 place, I should be ashamed to confess the gloomy thoughts 
 that oppressed my soul with obtrusive alternation, while 
 all about me I saw nothing but mirth and joy ; and, in 
 
 1 The sound of the frogs in the Caucasus has nothing in common 
 with the croaking of Bussian frogs. — ^ufAor'a Note. 
 
 478
 
 TUE INCURSION 479 
 
 the second place, because that does not fit into my story. 
 I was so merged in meditation that I did not even notice 
 the bell striking eleven, and the general passing by me 
 with all his suite. 
 
 The rear-guard was still in the gate of the fortress. 
 I made my way with difficulty over the bridge, that 
 was crowded with cannon, caissons, company wagons, 
 and officers noisily giving their orders. After leaving the 
 gate, I galloped beyond the army that silently moved in 
 the darkness, nearly a verst in extent, and overtook the 
 general. As I passed by the artillery, with their ordnance 
 in single file, and the officers riding between the ordnance, 
 my ear was struck, amidst a silent and solemn harmony, 
 by the offensive dissonance of a German voice, calling, 
 " Satan, hand me the linstock ! " and the voice of a 
 soldier, hurriedly crying, " Shevch^nko, the lieutenant is 
 asking for some fire ! " 
 
 The greater part of the sky was covered with long, 
 dark gray thunder-clouds ; only here and there stars shone 
 dimly between them. The moon was hidden behind the 
 near horizon of the black mountains, which were to be 
 seen on the right, and cast a weak, quivering half-light 
 against their summits, which sharply contrasted with the 
 impenetrable darkness that covered their bases. The 
 air was warm and so calm that not a blade of grass, not 
 a cloud seemed to be in motion. It was so dark that 
 it was impossible to tell objects at very close range ; 
 along the road I imagined now rocks, now animals, now 
 some strange people, and I discovered them to be bushes 
 when I heard their rustling, or felt the freshness of the 
 dew with which they were covered. Before me I saw 
 a dense, undulating, black wall, behind which followed a 
 few moving spots ; those were the vanguard of the cavalry, 
 and the general with his suite. About us moved just 
 such a gloomy mass, but it was lower than the first ; it 
 was the infantry.
 
 480 THE INCURSION 
 
 In the whole detachment reigned such quiet that all 
 the harmonious sounds of the night, full of mysterious 
 charm, were clearly audible ; the distant, moaning howl 
 of the jackals, resembhng now a wail of despair, now a 
 burst of laughter ; the sonorous, monotonous songs of the 
 crickets, the frogs, and the quails ; a roar which was ever 
 coming nearer, and the cause of which I was unable to 
 explain to myself ; and all those nocturnal, barely audible 
 movements of Nature, which it is impossible to compre- 
 hend, or to define, ran together into one full, beautiful 
 sound which we call the stillness of the night. This still- 
 ness was broken, or, more correctly, coincided with the dull 
 tramp of the hoofs, and the rustling of the tall grass, 
 which were produced by the slowly moving detachment. 
 
 Now and then was heard the clang of a heavy ordnance, 
 the sound of clashing bayonets, stifled conversation, and 
 the snorting of a horse. 
 
 Nature breathed pacifyingly in beauty and strength. 
 
 Is this beautiful world, with its immeasurable starry 
 heaven, too small for people to live together in peace? 
 Can the feeling of mahce, vengeance, or the passion for 
 annihilating his kind survive in the soul of man, amidst 
 this entrancing Nature ? Everything evil in the heart 
 of man, it seems, ought to vanish in his contact with 
 Nature, — that immediate expression of beauty and 
 goodness.
 
 VII. 
 
 We had been riding more than two hours. I was 
 getting chilled and drowsy. In the darkness I dimly 
 discerned the same indistinct objects : at a certain 
 -distance a black wall, and just such moving spots ; right 
 close to me the crupper of a white horse which switched 
 its tail and widely spread its hind legs : a back in a white 
 mantle, on which could be seen a rifle in a black cover, 
 and the white handle of a pistol in a hand-made case ; the 
 fire of a cigarette, lighting up a red moustache ; a beaver 
 collar, and a hand in a chamois-leather glove. I bent 
 -down to the neck of the horse, closed my eyes, and forgot 
 myself for a few minutes ; then, I was suddenly struck by 
 the familiar tramping and rusthng: I looked round, — 
 and it seemed to me that I stood in one spot, and that 
 the black wall which was in front was moving up to me, 
 or that the wall had stopped, and I was just about to 
 ride into it. In one such moment I was still more struck 
 by an approaching uninterrupted din, the cause of which 
 I could not make out : it was the roar of water. We 
 were entering a deep ravine, and approaching a mountain 
 torrent which was then at its highest. The roar grew 
 louder ; the damp grass became thicker and taller ; bushes 
 were more frequent ; and the horizon grew by degrees 
 narrower. Now and then bright fires flashed in various 
 places in the gloomy background of the mountains, and 
 immediately disappeared again. 
 
 " Please tell me what kind of fires these are ! " I said 
 in a whisper to a Tartar who was riding at my side. 
 
 481
 
 482 THE INCURSION 
 
 " Don't you know ? " he answered. 
 
 " No." 
 
 " It is mountain-grass tied to a post and put on fire." 
 
 " What is that for ? " 
 
 " That everybody should know that the Russians have 
 come. Now," he added, laughing, " there will be a terrible 
 hubbub in the villages, everybody wiU be taking all his 
 possessions to some deep valley." 
 
 " Do they already know in the mountains that the army 
 is coming ? " I asked him. 
 
 " Oh, how can they help knowing ? They always 
 know : that is the way with our people ! " 
 
 " So Shamil is now getting ready for the expedition ? '* 
 I asked. 
 
 " No," he answered, shaking his head, in denial. " Shamil 
 will not be in the expedition: he will send a superior 
 oflScer, and himself will be up there, looking through a 
 glass." 
 
 " Does he live far from here ? " 
 
 " No. On the left, about ten versts from here." 
 
 " How do you know ? " I asked. " Have you been 
 there ? " 
 
 " Yes. We have all been in the mountains." 
 
 " And have you seen Shamil ? " 
 
 " No, we cannot see Shamil. One hundred, three hun- 
 dred, a thousand guards are all about him. Shamil is 
 in the middle ! " he said, with an expression of servile 
 admiration. 
 
 Looking up, one could see that it was dawning in the 
 east in the clear heaven, and the Pleiades were low on 
 the horizon ; but in the ravine, through which we passed, 
 it was damp and gloomy. 
 
 Suddenly, a httle ahead of us, several fires were lighted 
 in the darkness ; at the same moment bullets whizzed by 
 with a whining sound, and amidst the surrounding silence 
 resounded reports of guns, and a loud, penetrating cry.
 
 THE INCURSION 483 
 
 Those were the advance pickets of the enemy. The 
 Tartars who composed them shouted, discharged their 
 guns at random, and ran away. 
 
 Everything was silent again. The general called up 
 the interpreter. A Tartar in a white mantle rode up and 
 spoke to him for quite awhile, in a whisper, and gesticu- 
 lating. 
 
 " Colonel Khas^nov ! Order the cordon to be scattered," 
 said the general, in a quiet, drawling, but distinct voice. 
 
 The detachment walked up to the river, the black 
 mountains of the cleft were behind us ; day began to 
 dawn. The vault of heaven, on which pale, indistinct 
 stars were barely visible, seemed higher; the morning 
 star began to shine brightly in the east; a fresh, chill 
 breeze blew from the west, and a light, steam-like mist 
 rose over the roaring river.
 
 VIII. 
 
 The guide pointed out a ford, and the van of the 
 cavalry, and immediately afterward the general, with his 
 suite, began to cross over. The water was up to the 
 horses' breasts and rushed down with extraordinary force 
 between white boulders, which in places could be seen 
 at the surface of the water, and formed foaming, hissing 
 streams about the legs of the horses. The horses were 
 surprised at the roar of the water, raised their heads, and 
 pricked their ears, but walked evenly and cautiously 
 against the current over the broken bottom. The riders 
 raised their feet and weapons. The foot-soldiers, literally 
 in their shirts, raising above the water their guns, over 
 which were slung bundles containing their wearing 
 apparel, and holding each other's hands, twenty at a time, 
 with evident effort, as was seen in their strained faces, 
 tried to stem the current. The artHlery riders drove their 
 horses in a trot into the water, with a shout. The cannon 
 and the green caissons, across which the water washed 
 now and then, rang out against the stony bottom ; but 
 the good Cossack horses tugged together at their traces, 
 made the water foam, and with wet tails and manes 
 climbed the opposite bank. 
 
 The moment the crossing was accomplished, the general 
 suddenly looked pensive and serious, wheeled his horse 
 about, and started in a trot with the infantry over the 
 broad, wood-girt clearing which opened up before us. A 
 cordon of Cossack horsemen was scattered along the edge 
 of the forest. 
 
 484
 
 THE INCURSION 485 
 
 In the woods was seen a footman in mantle and fur 
 cap ; then a second, a third. Some one of the officers 
 called out, " These are Tartars ! " Then a puff of smoke 
 appeared from behind a tree — a shot, another. Our 
 frequent fusilade drowned that of the enemy. Only 
 now and then a bullet flying by with a slow sound, 
 resembling that made by a bee in its flight, proved that 
 not all the shots were ours. Now the infantry with 
 hurried step and the ordnance at a trot passed into the 
 cordon ; there were heard the booming discharges of the 
 cannon, the metalhc sound of case-shot, the hissing of 
 rockets, the cracking of guns. The cavalry, infantry, and 
 artillery were seen on all sides in the extensive clearing. 
 The smoke of the cannon, rockets, and muskets inter- 
 mingled with the dew-covered verdure and the mist. 
 Colonel Khasanov galloped up to the general, and abruptly 
 checked his horse at full speed. 
 
 " Your Excellency ! " he exclaimed, raising his hand to 
 his cap, " order the cavalry to advance ! The pennons ^ have 
 appeared," and he pointed with his whip to the Tartar 
 horsemen, in front of whom rode two men on white 
 horses, with red and blue rags on sticks. 
 
 " Very well, Ivan Mikhaylovich ! " said the general. 
 
 The colonel turned his horse on the spot, unsheathed 
 his sabre, and shouted, " Hurrah ! " 
 
 " Hurrah ! Hurrah ! Hurrah ! " it rang out in the ranks, 
 and the cavalry flew after them. 
 
 Everybody watched with curiosity ; there was a pennon, 
 another, a third, a fourth — 
 
 The enemy did not wait for the attack, but concealed 
 himself in the forest, and opened a musketry fire from 
 there. The bullets flew more frequently. 
 
 "Quel charmant coup d'ceill" said the general, lightly 
 
 1 The pennons have, among the mountaineers, almost the same value 
 as flags, except that every brave may make and display his own 
 pennon. — Author'' s Note.
 
 486 THE INCURSIOIf 
 
 rising, in English fashion, on his black, slender-legged 
 horse. 
 
 "Charmant f" answered the major, pronouncing his r 
 gutturally, and, striking his horse with his whip, rode up 
 to the general. " C 'est un vrai plaisir, que la guerre dans 
 un aussi beau pays'* he said. 
 
 "Et surtout en bonne compagnie," added the general, 
 with a pleasant smile. 
 
 The major bowed. 
 
 Just then a cannon-ball from the enemy flew by with 
 a rapid, disagreeable hiss, and struck against something. 
 Behind me was heard the groan of a wounded man. This 
 groan impressed me so strangely that the warlike picture 
 lost all its charm for me in a flash. No one but me seemed 
 to have noticed it. The major laughed, with greater en- 
 thusiasm, it seemed ; another officer calmly repeated the 
 unfinished words of his sentence; the general looked in 
 the opposite direction, and with the calmest smile said 
 something in French. 
 
 " Do you order the return of their fire ? " asked the com- 
 mander of the artUlery, galloping up. 
 
 " Yes, scare them a httle," carelessly said the general, 
 lighting his cigar. 
 
 The battery took its position, and the cannonade began. 
 The earth groaned from the discharges of the guns ; fires 
 kept on flashing, and the smoke, through which one could 
 hardly distinguish the attendants moving near their guns, 
 dimmed the eyes. 
 
 The village was taken. Colonel Khas^nov again rode up 
 to the general, and, having received his orders, galloped 
 away into the village. The war-cry was raised once more, 
 and the cavalry disappeared in the cloud of dust which it 
 raised. 
 
 The spectacle was truly majestic. There was, however, 
 one thing which entirely spoiled the impression for me, as 
 a man who did not take any part in the action, and who
 
 THE INCURSION 487 
 
 was unused to it : to me this motion, and animation, and 
 the shouts seemed superfluous. Involuntarily the com- 
 parison occurred to me of a man who strikes the air with 
 an axe from the shoulder.
 
 IX. 
 
 The village was occupied by our army, and not a single 
 soul of the enemy was left in it, when the general rode up 
 to it with his suite, with which I had mingled. 
 
 The long, neat huts, with their flat earth roofs and beau- 
 tiful chimneys, were situated on uneven, rocky mounds, 
 between which flowed a small brook. On one side were 
 seen green gardens illuminated by the bright sunlight, 
 with enormous pear-trees and plum-trees; on the other 
 towered strange shadows, — tall, perpendicular stones of 
 the cemetery, and long, wooden poles, with balls and many- 
 coloured flags attached to their ends. These were the 
 graves of the dzhigits. 
 
 The army stood drawn up beyond the gate. 
 
 A minute later the dragoons, the Cossacks, and the 
 infantry with evident joy scattered over the crooked lanes, 
 and the empty village suddenly became enlivened. In one 
 place a thatch was battered down, an axe struck against 
 the solid wood, and a board door was broken through ; in 
 another, a hayrick, a fence, a hut, were set on fire, and the 
 dense smoke rose like a column in the clear atmosphere. 
 Here a Cossack dragged along a bag of flour and a carpet ; 
 a soldier with a beaming face brought out of a hut a tin 
 basin and some rag ; another, stretching out his hands, was 
 trying to catch a couple of hens that with loud cackling 
 were fluttering against the fence ; a third found somewhere 
 a huge earthern pot with milk which he smashed on the 
 ground with a loud laugh, after he had drunk his fill 
 
 from it. 
 
 488
 
 THE INCURSION 489 
 
 The battalion with which I had come from Fort N 
 
 was also in the village. The captain was sitting on the roof 
 of a hut, and puffing streams of Sambrotalik tobacco from 
 his short pipe, with such an indifferent expression on his 
 face that, when I saw him, I forgot that we were in a hos- 
 tile village, and I imagined I was quite at home in it. 
 
 " Oh, you are here, too ? " he said, noticing me. 
 
 The tall figure of Lieutenant Eosenkranz flashed, now 
 here, now there, in the village ; he was continually giving 
 orders, and had the appearance of a man extremely worried 
 about something. I saw him come out of a hut with a 
 triumphant countenance ; he was followed by two soldiers 
 who were leading an old Tartar in fetters. The old man, 
 whose whole attire consisted of a motley half-coat all in 
 rags, and patched-up drawers, was so feeble that his bony 
 hands, which were tightly fastened on his stooping back, 
 barely seemed to be attached to his shoulders, and his 
 crooked, bare feet moved with difficulty. His face and 
 even a part of his shaven head were furrowed by deep 
 wrinkles ; his distorted, toothless mouth, surrounded by a 
 closely cropped gray moustache and beard, moved inces- 
 santly as though chewing something ; but in his red eyes, 
 which were bereft of their lashes, still sparkled fire, and 
 was clearly expressed an old man's indifference to hfe. 
 
 Eosenkranz asked him through an interpreter why he 
 had not gone with the rest. 
 
 " Where should I go ? " he said, calmly looking about 
 him. 
 
 " Where the others have gone," remarked somebody. 
 
 " The dzhigits have gone to fight the Eussians, but I am 
 an old man." 
 
 " Are you not afraid of the Eussians ? " 
 
 " What will the Eussians do to me ? I am an old 
 man," he said again, carelessly surveying the circle which 
 had formed itself around him. 
 
 On my way back, I saw the same old man, without a
 
 490 THE INCURSION 
 
 cap, with his hands tied, shaking behind the saddle of a 
 Cossack of the Hne, and looking about him with the same 
 apathetic expression. He was needed for the exchange of 
 prisoners. 
 
 I chmbed on the roof, and took a seat near the captain. 
 
 " It seems there were but few of the enemy," I said to 
 him, wishing to learn his opinion of the past action. 
 
 " Enemy ? " he repeated, with amazement. " Why, there 
 were none. Do you call these the enemy ? You wait 
 for the evening when we retreat ; you will see then what 
 company we shall have ! There will be enough of them ! " 
 he added, pointing with his pipe to the young forest 
 which we had crossed in the morning. 
 
 " What is this ? " I asked, anxiously, interrupting the 
 captain, and pointing at a number of Don Cossacks col- 
 lected a short distance from us. 
 
 We heard in their midst something resembling the cry 
 of a baby, and the words : 
 
 " Oh, don't cut — stop — they will see us. Have you 
 a knife, Evstign^ich ? Give me your knife." 
 
 " They are dividing up something, the scamps," calmly 
 remarked the captain. 
 
 Just then the handsome ensign suddenly came running 
 from around the corner, with a flushed and frightened 
 face, and, waving his hands, flew at the Cossacks. 
 
 " Don't touch it, don't strike it ! " he cried, in a child- 
 hke voice. 
 
 When the Cossacks saw the officer, they stepped aside 
 and let a white little goat escape out of their hands. The 
 young ensign was very much embarrassed, mumbled 
 something, and stopped in front of us with a confused 
 countenance. Noticing the captain and me on the roof, 
 he blushed still more and ran trippingly up to us. 
 
 " I thought they were about to kill a baby," he said, 
 smiling timidly.
 
 The general had gone ahead with the cavalry. The bat- 
 talion with which I had come from Fort N remained 
 
 in the rear-guard. The companies of Captain Khldpov 
 and Lieutenant Kosenkranz were retreating together. 
 
 The captain's prediction was completely verified : the 
 moment we entered the narrow young forest which he 
 had mentioned, mountaineers on horse and on foot con- 
 tinually flashed by us on both sides, and at so close a 
 range that I clearly saw some of them, bending down, and, 
 with musket in hand, running from one tree to another. 
 
 The captain took off his cap, and piously made the 
 sign of the cross ; some of the older soldiers did likewise. 
 In the forest were heard the war-cry and the words : 
 " lay, Giaour ! lay Urus ! " Dry, short musket reports 
 followed one after another, and bullets whizzed on both 
 sides. Ours answered silently with a running fire ; in 
 our ranks, occasionally, were heard remarks like these : 
 " Where does he ^ shoot from ? It is easy for him behind 
 the trees ! We ought to bring out the cannon," and 
 so forth. 
 
 The ordnance was drawn out, and, after a few dis- 
 charges of case-shot, the enemy seemed to weaken, but a 
 moment later the fire, the shouts, and the war-cry in- 
 creased with every step which our army was taking. 
 
 We had retreated less than six hundred yards from the 
 village, when the cannon-balls of the enemy began to 
 
 1 " He " is a collective name by which the soldiers in;the Caucasus 
 understand the enemy in general. — Author's Note. 
 
 491
 
 492 THE INCURSION 
 
 whistle above us. I saw a soldier killed by a ball — but 
 why tell the details of this terrible picture, when I myself 
 would give much to forget it ! 
 
 Lieutenant Rosenkranz himself fired off his musket, 
 without stopping a minute to rest, in a hoarse voice gave 
 orders to the soldiers, and at full speed galloped from one 
 end of the cordon to the other. He was somewhat pale, 
 and that was quite becoming to his martial countenance. 
 
 The handsome ensign was in ecstasy; his beautiful 
 black eyes sparkled with daring ; his mouth smiled lightly ; 
 he continually rode up to the captain and asked his per- 
 mission to charge the enemy. 
 
 "We will drive them back," he said, persuasively, 
 " really, we will." 
 
 " Not now," repHed the captain, gently, " we must re- 
 treat!" 
 
 The captain's company occupied the edge of the forest 
 and returned the fire of the enemy while lying down. 
 The captain, in his threadbare coat and dishevelled cap, 
 slackened the reins of his white pony, and, bending his 
 feet in his short stirrups, stood silently in one spot. (The 
 soldiers knew their business so well that there was no 
 need of giving them orders.) Only now and then he 
 raised his voice and called out to those who lifted their 
 heads. The captain's figure was not very martial, but 
 there was so much truthfulness and simphcity in his 
 countenance that I was exceedingly impressed by it. 
 "Here is a truly brave man," I said, involuntarily, to 
 myself. 
 
 He was just as I always saw him: the same calm 
 movements, the same even voice, the same expression of 
 guilelessness on his homely but simple face ; by his more 
 than usually bright glance one could tell the attention of 
 a man quietly occupied with his business. It is easy to 
 say " just as always ; " but how many different shades have 
 I noticed in others ! One wants to appear calmer, another
 
 TUE INCUliSION 493 
 
 sterner, another gayer, than usual ; but one could see by 
 the captain's face that he did not even understand why 
 one should dissemble. 
 
 The ^Frenchman who said at Waterloo, " La garde, 
 meurt, mats tie se rend pas," and other heroes, especially 
 French heroes, who have made noteworthy utterances, 
 were brave, and really have made noteworthy utterances ; 
 but between their bravery and that of the captain is this 
 difference, that if, upon any occasion, a great word had 
 actually stirred in the soul of my hero, I am convinced he 
 would never have uttered it ; first, because, having uttered 
 this great word, he would have been afraid that it would 
 spoil his great deed ; and secondly, because when a man 
 feels in himself the power to do a great deed, no saying of 
 any kind is needed. This, in my opinion, is a peculiar 
 and subhme feature of Eussian bravery. How, then, can 
 a Eussian help being pained when he hears our young 
 soldiers use trite French phrases, with their pretence of 
 imitating an antiquated French chivalry ? 
 
 Suddenly a scattered and subdued hurrah was heard in 
 the direction where the handsome ensign stood with a de- 
 tachment. Upon looking round, I saw some thirty soldiers, 
 with muskets in their hands and sacks on their shoulders, 
 with difficulty run over a newly ploughed field. They 
 stumbled, but moved ahead and shouted. In front of 
 them, with drawn sabre, galloped the young ensign. 
 
 They were all lost in the forest — 
 
 After a few minutes of shouting and crackling of 
 muskets, the frightened horse ran out of the forest, and in 
 the clearing appeared some soldiers carrying the dead and 
 the wounded ; among the latter was also the young ensign. 
 Two soldiers supported him under his arms. He was pale 
 as a sheet, and his handsome head, on which was visible 
 only a shadow of that martial transport that had animated 
 him but a minute ago, seemed peculiarly sunken between 
 his shoulders, and fell down on his breast. On the white
 
 494 THE INCURSION 
 
 shirt, beneath his unbuttoned coat, could be seen a small 
 blood-stain. 
 
 " Oh, what a pity ! " I said, involuntarily turning away 
 from that sad spectacle. 
 
 "Of course, a pity," said an old soldier who, with 
 gloomy face, stood near me, leaning on his gun. " He is 
 afraid of nothing. How can one do so ? " he added looking 
 fixedly at the wounded man. " He is still fooHsh, so he is 
 paying the penalty." 
 
 " And are you afraid ? " I asked. 
 
 "WeU, no!"
 
 XI. 
 
 Four soldiers were carrying the ensign on a litter. 
 Behind it a soldier from the suburb led a lean, foundered 
 horse laden with two green boxes that contained the sur- 
 geon's instruments. They were waiting for the physician. 
 The officers rode up to the litter and tried to encourage 
 the wounded man. 
 
 " Well, brother Al^nin, it will be some time before you 
 dance again with the castagnettes," said Lieutenant Eo- 
 senkranz, who rode up, smihng. 
 
 He evidently thought that these words would sustain 
 the courage of the handsome ensign ; but, so far as one 
 could judge by the cold and sad expression of the latter's 
 countenance, they did not produce the desired effect. 
 
 The captain rode up, too. He looked steadily at the 
 wounded lad, and on his ever indifferent and cold face 
 was expressed genuine pity. 
 
 " Well, my dear Anatdli Ivdnych," he said, in a voice 
 full of tender sympathy, such as I had not expected from 
 him, " it was evidently God's will." 
 
 The wounded lad looked up ; his pale face was lighted 
 by a sad smile. 
 
 " Yes, I did not obey you." 
 
 " Say rather, it was God's wHl," repeated the captain. 
 
 The physician, who had in the meantime arrived, took 
 from the assistant some bandages, a probe, and another 
 implement, and, rolling up his sleeves, walked up to the 
 wounded man with an encouraging smile. 
 
 "Well, I see they have made a little hole in your 
 
 495
 
 496 THE INCURSION 
 
 healthy body," he said, in a jesting and careless tone; 
 " show it to me ! " 
 
 The ensign obeyed, but in the expression with which 
 he glanced at the mirthful doctor were surprise and re- 
 proach, which the latter did not see. He began to probe 
 the wound, and to examine it from all sides; but the 
 wounded man lost his patience and with a heavy groan 
 pushed away his hand. 
 
 " Leave me alone," he said, in a barely audible voice, " I 
 shall die anyway." 
 
 With these words he fell on his back, and five minutes 
 later, when I went up to the group that had formed itself 
 near him, and asked a soldier, " How is the ensign ? " he 
 answered, " He is going ! "
 
 XII. 
 
 It was late when the detachment, drawn out in a 
 broad column, approached the fortress with songs. The 
 sun had disappeared behind the snow-covered mountain 
 range, and was casting its last, rosy rays on a long, thin 
 cloud which was hovering in the clear, transparent hori- 
 zon. The snow-capped mountains were beginning to dis- 
 appear in a lilac mist ; only their upper contour was 
 delineated with extraordinary clearness against the blood- 
 red light of the sunset. The transparent moon, which had 
 long been up, was growing white against the dark azure 
 sky. The verdure of the grass and the trees looked black, 
 and was covered with dew. The dark masses of the 
 troops moved, with an even noise, across a luxuriant 
 field ; tambourines, drums, and merry songs were heard 
 from all sides. The singer of Company Six sang out 
 with all his might, and the sounds of the pure chest-notes 
 of his tenor, full of sentiment and power, were borne afar 
 through the transparent evening air. 
 
 THE END. 
 
 497
 
 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY 
 
 Los Angeles 
 
 This book is DUE on the last date stamped below. 
 
 I^EC'D LD-URL 
 BtCD LD-URB 
 
 mn "" 1989 
 
 JAN 1 1989
 
 6*^ 
 
 3 1158 00479 
 
 3815 
 
 UC SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY 
 
 A A 000139 890 8 
 
 CD 
 
 to 
 
 CO 
 CO 
 
 o 
 
 r— . 
 o 
 
 33 
 
 ra 
 
 "^' r 
 
 m r 
 
 s 
 Tl a 
 
 M 
 
 w 
 
 en