ogr%f-r ' 
 
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 SStaSSSSSJSS.il e
 
 A 
 
 COMEDY, 
 
 IN FIVE ACTS, 
 
 AS PERFORMED AT THE 
 
 VHEATfrE-RQYAL, COVENf-GARDEN. 
 
 BY FREDERICK REYNOLDS 5 
 
 AUTHOR OF 
 
 SPECULATION DRAMATISTS-RAGE^ HOW TO 
 GROW RICH NOTORIETY, fsfc. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 PRINTED FOR T. N. LONGMAN, PATERNOSTER-ROW, 
 
 1796. 
 [PRICE TWO SHILLINGS.] 
 
 \
 
 "
 
 PROLOGUE, 
 
 WRITTEN BY W. T. FITZGERALD, 
 SPOKEN BT MR, TOMS. 
 
 L O each new Play, a Prologue muft appear, 
 Like Poet Laureat's Ode to each New-Year r 
 But here, at once, the fimile muft end, 
 Chance is the Laureat's, not the Prologue's Friend; 
 He may anticipate the coming hour, 
 By the prophetic Mufe's magic pow'r ; 
 But we, like Ihewmen, trumpet forth our ware, 
 Promife you feafts ; but mew no Bill of Fare: 
 Bound down to fecrecy we muft not fay, 
 One word upon the fubjeft of the Play. 
 Yet for Our Author this I dare impart, 
 He bears your former favours next his heart" 
 And though the courfe he fleers to night be new, 
 He fears no quickfands, piloted by you; 
 Whofe powerful aid, and ftill fuftaining hand, 
 Have ever brought his little bark to land, 
 And moor'd her where his hope begins and ends. 
 Safe in the haven of his gen'rous friends. 
 
 Perhaps thefe crouded benches may contain 
 Some who've been fool'd in Fortune's giddy train! 
 Some who, with ceafelefs toil, purfuing wealth, 
 Have gain'd their objed but have loft their health; 
 And prov'd, at length, that gold can ne'er beftow, 
 A balm for ficknefs, or a fhield for woe : 
 Some, who ambitious of a fleeting name, 
 Have barter'd Happinefs, and Peace for Fame; 
 And found too late, in Difappointmem's fchool, 
 How oft Ambition makes us Fortune's Fool. 
 
 Our Author on Thalia's treafury draws 
 An annual candidate for your applaufe ! 
 Which, like the frem'ning dews of rifmg morn. 
 Hangs, through his life, a gem on ev'ry thorn ! 
 To night, once more, his fate on you depends, 
 His gen'rous patrons, and his pow'rful friends 1 
 'Twas you who brighten'd up his early day, 
 And now to independence lead the way ! 
 The curtain drop'd, he'll prove, if you have fmil'd, 
 Not Fortune's Fool, but Fortune's fav'rite Child! 
 
 872779
 
 DRAMATIS PERSONS 
 
 AP-HAZARD MR. LEWIS. 
 
 SIR CHARLES DANVERS MR. MIDDLETOK. 
 
 ORVILLE MR. MACREADY. 
 
 TOM SEYMOVR MR. FAWCETT. 
 
 SIR BAMBER BLACKLETTEX MR. QUICK, 
 
 SAMUEL MR. ABBOT. 
 
 SERVANTS- MESSRS. BLURTON, WILDE, STREET, AND LEE. 
 
 MRS. SEYMOUR Miss MORRIS. 
 
 Miss UNION MRS.MATTOCKS. 
 
 LADY DANVERS Miss WALL is. 
 
 OR ; AKGE WOMEN MRS. NORTON, Miss LESERVE, AND 
 MRS. WALTS. 
 
 SCENE LONDON.
 
 FORTUNE'S'FOOL. 
 
 A C T I. ;* 
 
 SCENE. -An Apartment in an HOTEL- -on one 
 fide of a Table Sir CHARLES DANVERS difcovered 
 ajleef'0n the other fide Lady DANVERS, read* 
 ing. 
 
 LA.DY.---( Putting down her Book.) 
 
 EIGHO ! If this be the beginning of a run- 
 away match, what will be the end of it ? -Here 
 am I but juft return'd from Gretna-Green, and 
 there's the loving partner of my joys. (Sir 
 CHARLES wakes and looks at her.) How the man. 
 flares ?-- -it's very odd with what aflonifhment 
 we always look at one another ? as much as to 
 fay, h^w in the name of Hymen did we two come 
 together ? My life ! 
 
 Sir Charles. My foul ! 
 
 Lady. Come, come- it's time to reflectnow 
 we're married and return'd to London, 'tis fit you 
 mould leave this Hotel and think of in eftablifh- 
 ment. How much did you fay your fortune was, 
 Sir Charles ? 
 
 Sir Charles. Fortune '.---that depends on my 
 uucle ; and perhaps he is offended. How much 
 did you fay yours was ? 
 
 B Lady.
 
 ft FORTUNE'S FOOL. 
 
 Lady. That depends on my mother j and per- 
 haps me is offended. 
 
 Sir Charles. Indeed ! What's to be done then ? 
 -Pray, Mifs Seymour -Lady Danvers, I mean 
 what induc'd you to elope with me ? 
 
 Lady. I don't know my mother wanted 
 me to marry Mr. Orville, whom I hated- --you 
 made love to me -told me matrimony was Ely- 
 fium; and fo, without thinking 
 
 Sir Charles. Without thinking ! ah ! that was 
 my cafe -reftlefs in my difpofition tir'd of dif- 
 fipation, I thought to find happinefs in dorneflic 
 life -Well, well -we had a pleafant journey to 
 Scotland, however. 
 
 Lady. Very but coming back, Sir Charles--- 
 Oh ! what an alteration ! 
 
 Sir Charles. Alteration !- how ? 
 
 Lady. How ! -why the whole way to Gretna- 
 Green were you not all love, adoration, and at- 
 tention ; and in a little hour after the Biackfmith 
 had received his fee, didn't you become a dif- 
 ferent man ? before we rer-crofs'd the Tweed, 
 you amus'd yourfelf by yawning- at Newcaftle 
 you talk'd of the expences of travelling- at York 
 you forgot to hand me out of the carriage at 
 Poncafter, when I order'd your favourite, inner, 
 you faid there was'nt a dim you could eat- at 
 Grantham, I faw you throw glances at the cham- 
 bermaid -from Stamford to London you wrangled 
 with the drivers, and groan'd at the turnpikes ; 
 and from the time we arrived, till now, have you 
 opened your eyes ? No if you are my partner, 
 you're a fleeping one, I'm fure, Sir Charles. 
 
 Sir Charles. Lady Danvers, I confefs the truth 
 of all this, and fincerely afk your pardon ; but the 
 fact is, I found that we had rufh'd precipitately 
 
 into
 
 FORTUNE S FOOL. 3 
 
 into marriage, without confidering- the confc- 
 cjnences too late I found it, for if our friends 
 delert us, how are we to live ?-! fpent all my 
 fortune on the road. 
 
 Lady, (agitated) You don't fay fo. 
 
 Sir Charles. The laft milling went to the laft 
 poft-boy -you don't know the expences of a 
 family -a man may fteer his own veflel through 
 the ftorms of life, but: if he takes another in tow 
 
 Lady. Down they both go to the bottom j 
 upon my word we're in a very pleafant fituation - - 
 but you forget what you faid, Sir Charles, you 
 vow'd that you could live with me on a cruft in 
 a cottage -light a fire with me under a hedge 
 beg---ftarve w ith me 
 
 Sir Charles. Did I ? I'm forry for it I can 
 encounter poverty myfelf, but to make an inno- 
 cent girl partake of it ! No, no- I have been 
 diffipated not difhoneft. 
 
 Lady. Then you would'nt ftarve with me now 
 that's unfair, Sir Charles ; for I think 1 could 
 undergo a great deal for you I'm not fure that 
 you love me, nor indeed have I had time to aflc 
 my heart whether it loves you, but fomethir.g 
 tells me, (and don't think me romantic) that 
 your diftrefles have excited fenfations towards you, 
 which your riches might never have inipir'd. 
 
 Sir Charles. Generous girl '.-Come -Fortune 
 (till may aid us your mother may forget my 
 uncle may forgive -by this time thty know of 
 our return, and heh ! who's here ? 
 
 Ladj\ Mifs Union, the match-maker, and her 
 nephew Mr. Orville. 
 
 Sir Charles. That Orville ! was he to be your 
 
 hufband ? Zounds ! -how the plot thickens !--- 
 
 B 2 I owe'
 
 4 FORTUNE S FOOL. 
 
 I owe his uncle ten thoufand pounds, and if the 
 old Colonel approved of his marrying you. 
 
 Lady. He approv'd of it fo much, that on the 
 match taking place, he meant to fettle on Orvillc 
 all his large Cornwall eftate. 
 
 Enter Miss UNION and ORVILLE. 
 
 Mifs Union. Welcome from Scotland, my 
 pretty runaways now anfwer me Mifs What is 
 your apology for refufing my nephew- what right 
 had you to marry ?- or what right has any body to 
 marry without confulting me , 'ant I the firft of 
 match- makers ?- don't I make it my profeffion ? 
 and if that barbarous blackfmith is to rob me of my 
 greateft pleafure 
 
 Sir Charles. Your pardon, Mifs Union but 
 what is your bufmefs here ? 
 
 Mifs Union, My bufmefs is to inform Lady 
 Danvers, that in confequence of her Gretna Green 
 excurfion, her mother hopes for the honour of 
 never feeing or hearing from her again. 
 
 Sir Charles, (to Orville). And now, fir, what is 
 your's ? 
 
 Orvilte. To inform you, fir, that for the fame 
 reafon, your uncle, Sir Bamber, difmherits you, 
 and hopes for the honour of adopting a new heir. 
 
 Mifs Union. Yes : the young Welchman has 
 cut you out in both places. ---The fon of a poor 
 paribn, and the aukward beau of Langothlen, is 
 the new heir to Sir Bamber, and mail be the new 
 hulband to Mrs. Seymour. 
 
 Lady. Hufband to my mother ! 
 
 Mifs Union. To be fure -has'nt me often told 
 you, that if you married any body but Orville, Ihe 
 would marry too ! and when me was purfuing you 
 and her carnage broke down, did'nt the young 
 "Welchman come up and fave her life ? 
 
 Orville.
 
 FORTUNE'S FOOL, 
 
 -.Orv. And has'nt fhe given him her picture as 
 a proof of her affection ? 
 
 Sir Charles. I'll not believe a fy liable of it at 
 leaft I'll have better authority than your words for 
 it -Lady Danvers, do you make a perfonal ap- 
 plication to your mother I'll do the fame to my 
 uncle, and if they perfift in deferting us, I know 
 the word Mrs. Seymour cannot refufe her 
 daughter maintenance, and I'll feek my fortune 
 fingly.---Come, 
 
 Lady. Who can this obtruder be ? -perhaps 
 though, he is not attach'd. 
 
 Mifs Union. He not attach'd ! what then ? 
 can't I mew Mrs. Seymour how to decoy him 
 into the fnares ? how to manage her words ? her 
 eyes ? her fighs ? how to excite his affection by 
 concealing her own ? 
 , Lady. Conceal affection ! 
 
 Sir Charles. Yes: conceal affection, annihilate 
 paffion, extirpate fenfibility in fhort, turn rob- 
 ber footpad and by the fire of the eye, inftead 
 of the fhdh of the piftol, defraud the artlefs and 
 unthinking, of their fortune, health, and happi- 
 nefs ! This is Mifs Union's road to matri- 
 mony we have chofen a different one, and if 
 
 our friends forgive us come Juliana we won't 
 
 defpair. [Exit with Lady DANVERS. 
 
 Orv. So far, fowell! Diftrefs will make them 
 quarrel then comes a feparation then perhaps 
 a divorce, and then my dear aunt, Lady Dan- 
 vers, and the large Cornwall eftate may be mine 
 ftill befides, I love her more than ever but 
 about the young welchman about Ap Hazard 
 how has he got into favour with his godfather, Sir 
 Bamber Blackletter ? 
 
 Mifs Union. I'll tell you you know the old 
 B 3 book-
 
 D FORTUNE S FOOL* 
 
 bookworm is fo fond of ancient authors, that he 
 is about to publifh a new edition of Chaucer 
 now you underftand I have fome hope of mak- 
 ing him my hufband,. by perfuading him I am i*> 
 pofTeflion of a fuppos'd rnanufcript of that poet,, 
 and Ap-Hazard has a ftronger held on his affec- 
 tions he has brought to town a bud an ori- 
 ginal bud of Geoffery Chaucer ! think of that 
 nephew. 
 
 Orv. Excellent ! and how did he come by 
 k? 
 
 Mifs Union. It has long been in poffefiion of 
 his father who is a firft coulin of Sir Bamber's, 
 and knowing his character, thinks this Prefent 
 will prove a rare introd Motion for his fon and fo 
 it will ! the Baronet is but juft returned to town,. 
 and hafn't feen it; but he wrkes me v/ord he is 
 fo delighted with the account of the old head, 
 and fo out of humour with Sir Charles, that he 
 mail turn his thoughts entirely to his godfon The 
 welchman's a lucky creature. 
 
 Orv. He lucky ! -why he's Fortune's Fool ! 
 when I knew him in Wales, one continued feries 
 of ill luck purfued him if he touch'd china, it 
 broke if he went (hooting, his gun burit if 
 hunting', there was no game if he play'd at 
 v/hift, his partner could neither trump nor follow 
 fuk if he fell in love, his miftrefs married fcme- 
 body elfe, and he told me himfelf, if he'd been a 
 phyfician, as his father wim'd him, every body 
 would have enjoy'd high health, and he been the 
 only rick man in all Wales oh ! as the fuccefs. 
 of our fchemes depends on him, I dread a return- 
 of his bad fortune* 
 
 Mifs Union. Do you I then find him out di- 
 rectly inilruct, advife him Hay, Mrs.. Seymour 
 
 is
 
 FORTUNE'S FOOL. 7 
 
 is waiting to confult me on the old topic, fo I'll 
 go with you I fhou'dn't think of Sir Charles 
 finding fault indeed ! where's the great harm in 
 being a match-maker ? we women have few oc- 
 cupations, and if lawyers and proctors are paid 
 for dividing people, why may'nt I be feed for 
 uniting them ? Then if you talk of phyficians, 
 Orville they're feed for providing one article of 
 intelligence for a newfpaper I another ; and I 
 leave you to judge, whether marriage or death 
 is the pleafanteft piece of information. \Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE View of the Thames the Bridges Surry 
 Hillsajhewy Jailing Boat at Anchor. 
 
 Enter AP-HAZARD. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. There's the river and the bridges; 
 yonders a chapel next door's a billiard table 
 here comes a funeral there goes a wedding 
 Oh ! it's a rare town get on though, friend Ap- 
 Hazard remember you're only come for a fort- 
 night's pleafure, and fo where/ next ? (Looks in 
 his pocket book.) 
 
 Enter ORVILLE. 
 
 Oru. There he is ! and wonderful to fay, not 
 in a fcrape yet ! Mr. Ap-Hazard, welcome to 
 town. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. What ! my old Welch companion, 
 Mr. Orville ! (They Jhake hands.) 
 
 Orv. Well ! how much do you know of Lon- 
 don ? Have you feen the Squares the Parks- 
 the City St. Pauls ? 
 
 I have ; and the Bank, and the 
 B 4 Tower
 
 8 FORTUNE'S TOOL. 
 
 Tower Apothecarie's Hall, and the Bury ing- 
 grounds the Gaming Houfes in St. James's-ftreet, 
 and the Sponging Houfes in Chancery-lane the 
 Bears in the Stock Exchange, and the Beafts in Ex- 
 eter Change laft night I went to the Theatres 
 they were fo full I couldn't get in this morning I 
 went to the Priibns they overflow'd too oh I 
 what a cruel town Mr. Orville, when if a man 
 wants to go to jail, there isn't room to admit 
 him. 
 
 Orv. True j it's very hard but where elfe have 
 you been ? 
 
 A-p-Hazard. Every where I've been in Lon- 
 don only two days, and I know more of it, than 
 half the cocknies who were born in it oh ! it's 
 a glorious place ! they faid I fhould find the 
 ftreets pav'd with gold, and I have ! Mrs, Sey- 
 mour means to make me her huiband Sir Bam- 
 ber his heir ay, none of my old ill-luck now 
 I've got my equivalent. 
 
 Orv. Have you ? then keep it remember 
 you were born under an unlucky planet, and 
 from. the day of your birth, to the prefent hour, 
 your life has been one catalogue of crofs acci- 
 dents. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. I know it; but here I breathe a 
 lucky air, and if I do get into a fcrape, I know 
 how to get out of it cc what's to pay ?" 
 Orv. What's to pay ! 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Yes ; what's to pay ? in this 
 town I find every body, as well as evey thing, has 
 its price men of fafhion, and men of no fafhion 
 high ladies low ladies authors, Jews, beaus, 
 pigs, Iheep, and monkies, are all to be bought 
 and fold ; therefore if my evil genius mould rife 
 again, here is a little gentleman that will foon lay 
 
 him.
 
 FORTUNE'S FOOL. 
 
 him. (Pulls out a purfe of uncommon length.) 
 Ay ; they'll not eafily get to the bottom of it ; 
 ib " what's to pay ?" damme " what's to pay/' 
 is my watch word while I ftay in London. 
 
 Orv. What ! you think money an excufe for 
 every abfurdity ? 
 
 A-p -Hazard. To be fure if I knock a man 
 down "what's to pay?" if I kifs a married 
 woman-" what's to pay ?" if I marry myfelf ~ 
 " what's to pay ?" if I come into parliament 
 " what's to pay ?" Money will mend crack't 
 heads- broken hearts, and wounded reputations 
 therefore I fay again, cc what's to pay," is my 
 motto in the hour of danger. 
 
 Orv. Well, but take notice; mine and your 
 friend Mifs Union's fchemes depend on your fuc- 
 cefs. Sir Charles and Lady Danvers are our ene- 
 mies ; and if you marry Mrs. Seymour, and are 
 adopted by Sir Bamber, they meet the ruin they 
 merit ; if you fail, they triumph : recollect For- 
 tune's a flippery jade. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Oh, curfe her ; I know her ; flic 
 
 has led me fuch a life of it but now I defy 
 
 her -me can't dam the cup from my lip now 
 no, no Mrs. Seymour has given me her pic- 
 ture, .and the bud fecures old Blackletter. I tell, 
 you what- life's a lottery I've hitherto had ten 
 
 blanks to a prize- and now I'll go buy the 
 
 thirty thoufand. 
 
 Orv. No ; go and have your firft interview with 
 
 your godfather heh ! who's landing from that 
 
 boat ? as I live, Tom Seymour. 
 
 Tom Seymour (without.) Row back, I tell yon. 
 Orv. If he mould find out his mother is about 
 
 to be married to this fellow however he don't 
 
 meddle in family affairs, (afide.) 
 
 Tom
 
 ip FORTUNE'S FOOL. 
 
 Tom Seymour (without.) Pull hard my lads. 
 
 A-p-liazard (locking cut.) What fmart fea cap- 
 tain's this ? I'm a bit of a failor myfelf, and as I 
 fhould like to hear about the dock-yards, and 
 the late fea engagements, I'll talk to him by his 
 appearance he muft be a very great naval cha- 
 racter. 
 
 Orv. (afide.) Great naval character ! ha ! ha ! 
 poor Tom Seymour ! he never faw the fea in 
 
 his life never was below Gravefend he is a 
 
 fremwater failor. 
 
 Enter TOM SEYMOUR, drefid in white trowfers, 
 fee. 
 
 Tom (/peaking as he enters.) Pull hard I tell 
 you favc as much of the wreck as you can ; and, 
 
 d'ye hear, look out fharp for the log-book 
 
 Zounds ! what a tempeft ! and what a profefiion ! 
 We failors are always expofed to peril, while 
 thefe land lubbers here what Orvilie ! never off 
 fliore. 
 
 Ap. Hazard. Stormy weather, noble captain ! 
 
 Orv. (to Tom, who ft ares at dp-Hazard.) He's, 
 a friend of mine, from Wales : but what's the 
 matter ? You feem agitated. 
 
 Tom. Well I may I've been fhipwreck'd. 
 
 Orv. Shipwreck'd ! where ? 
 
 dp-Hazard. Ay, where, fir ? where ? Oh, 
 how I like to hear about a fliipwreck. When did 
 it happen ? Where was it, captain ? in the Chan- 
 nel? 
 
 Tern. No j in Cheliea Reach. 
 
 dp-Hazard. Cheliea Reach ! Why what new- 
 ocean's that ? But tell me, did the fhip founder,, 
 or did me drive againir, a large ridge of barbarous 
 rocks ? 
 
 lorn.
 
 FORTUNE'S FOOL. n 
 
 Tom. Neither : fne drove againft a little arch 
 of Batterfea Bridge off JVJillbank we loft our 
 mainmaft at Vauxhall we fprung a leak and ac 
 Ranelagh we threw overboard 
 
 Ap-Hazard. All your live ftock, (lores and pro- 
 vi fions ? 
 
 Tom. All our umbrellas, fpencers, and opera- 
 glafTes. 
 
 Ap-Bazard. Umbrellas and opera-glafies ! 
 
 Why what fantaftic jackanapes is. this ? Fortune's 
 at her tricks again, I fee ; but let what will be 
 the confequence, I'll afk him one more queftion. 
 Sir captain, if the fhip was loft, how came you 
 not to fink with it ? 
 
 Tom. I did fink with it. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. What you were drown'd^ were 
 you ? 
 
 Tom. No, not exactly ; becaufe when (lie came 
 to the bottom, I ftood on the deck, and was knee 
 high in the river. Drown'd ! blefs your fat head 
 how can a man be drown'd in feven inch water? 
 Oh, you'll never be of fervice to your country. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. No ; but you mail ; for I'll fetch a 
 prefs-gang I'll (^ing.) 
 
 Orv. (flopping him.) Softly : will you force your 
 ill-luck purpofely get into a fcrape ? Confider, 
 the cards are in your own hands. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. They are. 
 
 Orv. Would you throw them away, then ? 
 
 Ap-Hazard. No, thank ye thank ye What's 
 to pay, fir? (to Tom.) 
 
 Orv. (t& Tern.) You'll excufe my friend, Mr. 
 Seymour he's a ftrange creature. Come, never 
 mind the lofs of your Ihip ; you have more than 
 one, you know. 
 
 Tom. To be fure I have. There's the Spright- 
 ly Kitty! (pointing to the vejfsl at anchor.) Cieo- 
 
 patra's
 
 FORTUNE'S FOOL. 
 
 patra's galley was but a coal -barge to it fhe's 
 my favourite, becaufe my lifter furnim'd the cabin 
 for me : and, now I think on't, Orville, what's 
 all this hurricane in my family ? I'm told Ju- 
 liana has put to fea with Sir Charles Danvers 
 mefs ! I muft keep a good look out that is, 
 when the failing match is over. 
 
 Orv. You'll find your fitter has behav'd very 
 ill, fir. 
 
 Tom. Shall I ? I don't think it : more likely I 
 mail find others have behav'd ill to her; and, if 
 that's the cafe, me fhan't want a friend, I promife 
 you while I can fwim, my filter fhan't fink ! 
 What fay you, Mr. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Say ! that fince I came to London, 
 it's the only fenfible fpeech I've heard. Sir, I 
 beg pardon for hinting at a prefs-gang you are 
 a great naval character, and I'll fail with you at 
 the rifk of my life, I'll fail with you. 
 
 fom. So you mall not to-day, though I'm 
 going to dine at La Fleece'em's club. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Then I'll go and dine at La 
 Fleece'em's along with you. 
 
 'Tom. Why, your friend's a ftrange creature in- 
 deed, Orville ; however, I like his familiarity 
 fo you mall go and dine with me ; and what's 
 more, I'll make you one of the fquadron, and 
 you mail wear the uniform. 
 . Ap-Hazard. So I will : I'll wear the uniform. 
 
 Tern. And you fhall be in my fett the aquatic 
 fett all as great naval characters as myfelf and 
 you fhall hear of nothing but rowing, failing, 
 filhing and you fhall play a rubber. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Stop there I'm tied up, 
 
 Tom. Tied up ! what you lofe now and then ? 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Lofe now and then ! If you'll be- 
 lieve
 
 FORTUNE'S FOOL. 13 
 
 lieve me, I never turn'd up an honour in all my 
 life : however, Fortune fmiles at prefent, and 
 there's nothing like puihing it; fo come, Orville 
 . come, my noble captain- (aftde to Orville.) I 
 feel my ground, and you and Mifs Union may 
 count the game your own I'll beggar the club, 
 marry the widow, bamboozle old BlacTtletter, 
 and then we'll all take fuch a fea voyage in the 
 
 Sprightly Kitty 
 
 Tom. No, no ; no falt-water for me let me 
 encounter the billows of the Thames, not be 
 tofs'd on the tumultuous ocean give me a failing 
 match, not a fea fight a trip to Richmond, not 
 a voyage to China and initead of being fhip- 
 wreck'd on rocks and quickfands, Batterfea Bridge 
 and feven inch water for Tom Seymour. Come, 
 my boys, come to the club, and I'll (hew you 
 how to hold honours, and fail againil wind and 
 tide ! [Exeunt. 
 
 ZNp OF THE FIRST ACT. 
 
 ACT
 
 14 FORTUNE S FOCL. 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 SCENE. SIR BAMBER BLACKLETTER'* 
 
 Library. 
 
 SIR CHARLES DANVERS dif covered writing at a 
 Table. 
 
 Sir Charles. So there's a match for the match- 
 maker however Trick for trick, Mifs Union ! 
 Jen me fee (reads) " Matrimony. A lady, who 
 * ( has a heart to difpofe of, would be happy to 
 C{ unite to a man of fenfe, of honour me is in- 
 rc different about fortune, as me has two thou- 
 " fand a year in a brafs manufactory apply to 
 
 " Mifs U , No. 402, Grofvenor-ftreet. 
 
 rc N.B. She would prefer an officer in the army 
 " or navy." Ay I ay! that's touching Mifs 
 Union on her fore fubjecl, and if this advertife- 
 inent don't torment her, I'll try fomething elfe 
 Fll teach her to bufy herfelf with other people's 
 affairs. 
 
 Eater SAMUEL with the Buft cf CHAUCER he fufs 
 it on the 'fable. 
 
 Sir Charles. There's the buft of Chaucer, I 
 Jnppofe the celebrated treafure, that is to turn 
 me out of this houfe and fix the young Welchman 
 in my place Samuel, who gave you this curiofity ? 
 
 Samuel. Mr. Ap-Hazard, Sir he is now below 
 with Mifs Union, waiting to be introduced to 
 matter icod ! he comes at a bitter bad time, for 
 Sir Bamber is fo bad with the gout. 
 
 Sir Charles. The gout, has he ? very well ! 
 
 leave me I too am waiting to fee Sir Bamber, 
 
 i for
 
 FORTUNE'S FOOL. 15 
 
 for I won't lofe my rights without ftruggling hard 
 for them, I'm determined (Samuel exit) in the 
 mean time, I'll copy this matrimonial advertife- 
 ment for Mifs Union. ( Sits at table, writing). 
 
 Enter AP-HAZARD and Miss UNION. 
 
 Ap- Hazard. I tell you I've reiaps'd the dif- 
 order has returned, and in London as well as 
 Wales, Fortune will whirl me into fcrapes Oh ! 
 that great naval character ! to decoy me to the 
 club win my money my trinkets get my note 
 for fifty pounds, and then challenge me ! 
 
 Mifs Union. Challenge you ! Why ? 
 
 sip-Hazard. Bccaufe when I found that debts 
 of honour were now a days no more thought of 
 than other debts ; I fnap'd my lingers in his face ; 
 called him a frefii-water pirate, and faid I'd pay 
 him in opera-glafles and umbrellas ! on this, he 
 challeng'd me then I run for there's my luck 
 again ! I dar'nt fight a duel no I dar'nt un- 
 lefs it could be manag'd in an amicable way; by 
 calling in the conftables, or firing at fifty paces 
 ^ at fifty paces, s'blood ! I could exchange fifty 
 fhots. 
 
 Mifs Union. Well ! but how did this end? 
 did the Captain overtake you ? 
 
 dp-Hazard. No I got the ftart and kept it, 
 and now my only chance is never feeing him 
 or the Sprightly Kitty again ! if he catches me, 
 I'm a drown'd man. ---Oh ! I've got into my old 
 train of ill-luck, I fhail trip every ftep I take, 
 and you and Orville will tumble along with me !--- 
 (Sees Sir Charles Dangers at the table, and goes np to 
 him.) What fine fellow's this ?--a fervant I fuppofc; 
 for in this town they drefs ib fmartly well ! I 
 don't blame them- when matters drefs like pick- 
 pockets,
 
 16 FORTUNE'S FOOL. 
 
 pockets, fervants may drefs like gentlemen ! 
 Holloa !- you fir. 
 
 Mifs Union. I fee there's no keeping him out of 
 a fcrape ! -come here that's your competitor, 
 Sir Charles Danvers- he is waiting to conteft the 
 point with you, and if you don't get in favour with 
 Sir Bamber he'll ftill be his heir and I mall lofe 
 my revenge ! hufh !---here is the old commen- 
 tatornow remember, on this interview depends 
 your inheriting five thoufand a year. 
 
 Enter SIR BAMBER BLACKLETTER and SAMUEW 
 
 Sir Bamber (to Samuel}. Blockhead ! to pulh 
 againft me when I have the gout fo bad in this 
 hand, that I can't even write my notes on Chaucer 
 go, and when the bookfeller comes, call me. 
 (Samuel exit.) ha !- my intended wife ! my 
 fweet Mifs Union ! well ! -where is he ? 
 where's my godfon !---where's my new heir ? 
 
 Mifs Union. Here, fir, here is Mr. Ap- 
 Hazard here is the owner of the celebrated buft ! 
 Now put on your belt manners nothing like a firft 
 impreflion (ajide to Sip-Hazard). 
 
 Ap-Hazard. I know it : and there I'm always 
 lucky (aftde to Mifs.) Oh, Sir Bamber! if 
 you knew the pleafure I feel, in giving you this 
 hearty make of the hand-(Jbakes bis gouty hand 
 very hard). 
 
 Sir Bamber. And if you knew the pain I feel 
 whough ! 
 
 Sip-Hazard. What's to pay ? 
 
 Mifs Union. He is Fortune's Fool indeed 
 Make amends by praifing his library, (afide to 
 Sip-Hazard). 
 
 dp-Hazard. I will---what a fuperb library, Sir 
 Bamber
 
 FORTUNE'S FOOL. 17 
 
 Bamber ? what a choice collection of ancient and 
 modern publications ? 
 
 Sir Bamber. Modern ! Sir, there's no fuch 
 tram here I hav'nt a book publifh'd within the 
 prefent century, except John Gilpin, in four 
 volumes. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. John Gilpin in four volumes 
 pooh ! he would'nt fill the column of a newfpaper. 
 
 Sir Bamber. Nobut I make him fill four 
 octavo's why it is'nt the original author now a 
 days he's never thought of 'tis the notes, 
 alterations, illuftrations, emendations 
 
 Ap-Hazard. And botheration ! I beg pardon, 
 I mean commentations. 
 
 Sir Bamber. Yes, Sir, and commentations, 
 look at that folio now it's Gilderoy that bonny 
 boy, Gilderoy '.the poem originally confifts of 
 about eighteen ftanzas : but my notes fwell it to 
 eighteen hundred lines ! and I hav'nt done yet 
 I'll have a new edition with additions and revifions, 
 and I'll amplify the bonny boy into two thoufand. 
 
 Mifs Union. Ay : and perhaps make two thou- 
 fand by it Mr. Ap-Hazard Chaucer moft likely 
 did'nt get fifty pounds by his Poems, but Sir 
 Bamber, with my manulcript, and a print from your 
 buft, will make a fortune by his new edition 
 then his drefs --is'nt it fo claflical. -This coat was 
 once worn by the immortal Dryden. 
 
 Sir Bamber. The fhoes were Rochefter's, the 
 waiftcoat Wycherly's, and the wig, my old friend 
 Hudibras's They fay I'm like Hudibras Is'n't 
 curious ? 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Curious 1 fince I came to town, Sir 
 Bamber, you are by far the greateft curiofity I've 
 feen (Sir Charles Danvers advances}. What do 
 you want, fir. 
 
 C Sir
 
 i PORTUNES FOOL. 
 
 Sir Bamber. Ay : what do you want, fir hav'nf 
 I told you that your marriage has undone you ? - 
 that you are a dead letter, fir this is my heir 
 now. 
 
 Sir Charles. I hope not, fir, when you confider 
 that in my ruin an innocent lady is involved, 1 
 think you will renew your protection, and be as 
 you have ever beena friend a father to me. 
 
 Mij's Union. What right had you to marry that 
 lady, when you knew me was betroth'd to my 
 nephew, fir r 
 
 Sir Charles. No reflections on her, Madam 
 cenfure me as you pleafe, but Lady Danvers has 
 behaved fo generoufly, that if I've not a fortune 
 to reward her virtue, I'll prove I have the fpirit 
 to defend it ! Well, fir what is your determi- 
 nation ? 
 
 dp-Hazard (to Sir Charles). Afk old Geoffery 
 Ghaucer. (Pointing fo the Buft). Afk him if the 
 godfon won't cut out the nephew ? 
 
 Sir Charles. 'Tis too plain : I fee I am de^ 
 ferted, and Lady Danvers and myfelf mufl part \ 
 Mrs. Seymour no doubt will receive her daughter 
 home again, and from this hour I'll trouble you 
 no more. Farewell, fir ! an unhappy marriage 
 has been my ruin may yours be more fortunate ! 
 
 Sir B amber. What do you fay, Charles ? flay 
 
 Sir Charles. I forgot if Colonel Orville mould 
 arreft me for the large debt I owe him, may I afk 
 your affiftance in confinement ? I never had any 
 thing but what refulted from your bounty, and it 
 will not be robbing a new heir to fupport an old 
 friend in a prifon ! Now to Mrs. Seymour, and 
 if me will but foften the afflictions of her daughter, 
 I'll bear my own with patience ! [Exit. 
 
 Sir Bamber. What, is he gone ! I've a great 
 
 mind
 
 FORTUNE S FOOL. 19 
 
 mind to call him back and correct the prefs 
 holloa, Charles ! 
 
 Mifs Union. (T'o Ap-Hazard.) N*ow's the critical 
 minute mew him the buft defcribe it's value 
 it's beauties put him in a good humour, or it's all 
 over with you Come, Sir Bamber, never think 
 of an ungrateful nephew look at the buft look 
 at the image of immortal Chaucer ! 
 
 Ap-Hazard (with the buft in bis hand). Ay: 
 here's old Geoffery ! here's the father of Englilh 
 Poets ! look, fir does'nt this remind you of 
 Palamon and Arcite ? the Flow'r of Curtefye ? 
 the Affembly of Fools ? 
 
 Sir Bamber. The Knyghts Tale, and the Can* 
 terbury Tales, and the money I mall make by 
 my new edition ? Oh ! that for Charles \(Jnap- 
 ping his fingers) you're my heir ! the pofieflion of it 
 will make me the envy of the Literati ! the wonder 
 of the Cognocenti ! the delight of the Dillet- 
 tanti ! the I'm in an ecftacy! let me let 
 me touch it. 
 
 Mifs Union. Don't, for Heaven's fake con- 
 fider it's antiquity ! the leaft touch will crumble 
 
 it to atoms the day's our own ! (aftde to Ap- 
 
 Hazard. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. (The buft Jlill in bis hand). I defy 
 Fortune now (afide to Mifs.) What poetry 
 flowed from this mouth ! What genius flafh'd 
 from thefe eyes- IWhat fancy revel'd in this brain! 
 Ay : ay : this is none of your modern paper 
 fkull'd authors old Geoffery 's head is found 
 found as (here he lets his hand fall on the head^ and 
 part of it breaks to pieces) damnation ! what's to 
 pay? 
 
 Mifs Union. Pay ! the value of bis eftate, for 
 C 2 you've
 
 20 FORTUNE'S FOOL* 
 
 you've loft it. Don't fay a word, the more you 
 
 talk, the worfe you'll make it. 
 
 Sir Bamber. Finis ! 
 
 Mifs Union. Go to Mrs. Seymour, and leave me 
 to compofe hinv--Avhat do you gape at ? run down 
 ilairs as faft as you can. 
 
 Af -Hazard. Run down ftairs ! I'm in fuch 
 high luck, that I moud'nt be furprizd if I trip'd 
 at the top ftep, and without touching a fingle 
 ftairj mot head-long into the ftreet Iits an un- 
 lucky houfe, and the iboner I'm out of it the better 
 pacify him try to make peace for me, and 
 don't fear my fuccefs with the widow ; for if get- 
 ting a wife, be getting into a fcrape, I mail be 
 married before the day's out Oh Fortune ! For- 
 tune ! wilt thou never fmile on me ? \ Exit. 
 
 Sir Bamber. Was there ever fuch a hopeful 
 heir ! on his firil introduction, he fqueezes 
 
 my gouty hand calls me a curiofity- breaks 
 
 old Geoffrey's head, and then afks what's to 
 pay? 
 
 Mifs Union. Nay ; its all accident ; and you 
 mould rather pity than condemn his bad luck 
 give him another trial befides, though the butt 
 is broke, there's (till the manufcript 
 
 Sir Bamber. True : there's ftill Trickarinda 
 ftill that ancient poem written by Dan. Chaucer, 
 of which you are now miftrefs, but which I mall 
 poffefs the day you become Lady Bamber Black- 
 letter. 
 
 Enter Mrs. SEYMOUR. 
 . 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. A bookfeller is waiting in the 
 
 .hall, fir 
 
 Sir
 
 FORTUNE'S FOOL. 21 
 
 Sir Bamber. Oh : I'll eome to him. At your 
 interceffion, Mifs Union, I'll try a fecond edi- 
 tion of this godfon, but if he don't improve in 
 his ftyle, Charles will get into my books I pro- 
 mife you Mrs. Seymour, good morning. 
 
 {Exit. 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. My good friend, I've juft met 
 Sir Charles Danvers he -tells me he is com- 
 pell'd to part with my daughter, and begs me 
 to take her to my houfe again I cannot en- 
 jcounter it-r-indeed I cannot Khe fight of her was 
 once fo dear jo me, that - 
 
 Mifs Union. Can I a/Tift ? - you know I am de- 
 voted to your fervice. 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. I'm fure you are : and as I can- 
 not at prefent receive her under my roof, will you 
 give her an afyjum under yours ? it will prevent 
 her being a wanderer, and prove, though me has 
 forgotten her mother, I can ftill remember her. 
 
 Mifs Union. Moft willingly : I'll go to the 
 Hotel, and take her to my houfe this inftant 
 come, don't fret about it, my dear friend recol- 
 lect you always faid, if (he married againft your 
 confent, you'd marry too think of Mr. Ap- 
 ^azard- nay : I'm fure he's a favourite. 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. He is indeed I refpect him fo 
 much for his generous conduct towards me, and 
 alfo for his artjefs, uncontaminated mind ; that if 
 I do marry again, Mifs Union, he is the man of 
 all others I mall felect for my huflwnd. 
 
 Mifs Union. And you'd be righthe is the 
 prettied piece of pure innocence J . Oh ! if yo 
 had feen how the fimple fwain dclcrib'd your 
 charms to me ! how he kifs'd the picture you 
 gave him ! how he fwore if you didn't have 
 he'd take away his own life on the fpot 
 C 3 where
 
 22 FORTUNES FOOL. 
 
 where he fav'd yours ! Come, come Men arc 
 of fome ufe in the creation, and widows can't 
 marry too often---for if matrimony be a happy 
 ftate, you ought to prove, to us fpinfters, chat 
 you can't have enough of it ! [Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE An Apartment in Mrs. SEYMOUR'* 
 Houfe. 
 
 Enter Lady DANVERS. 
 
 Lady. Oh, Sir Charles !--- when I left this 
 houfe for Scotland, what pleafu:es did I not an- 
 ticipate ? And now to return and find the doors 
 mut againft me ! however the fervants have 
 kindly admitted me, and here I 'will remain till 
 my mother comes home ; then if Mr. Ap-H zard 
 has'nt entirely fupplanted me- but he has !---! 
 know her heart is fo full of love for him, there 
 is'nt room left for her unhappy Juliana ! 
 
 Enter AP - H A z .A R D , haftily. 
 
 Ap-Hazard (faftening the ftage door) So I've 
 outrun him again I've beat thU great naval cha- 
 racter a fecond time -he was the laft man I 
 wifh'd to fee -of courfe the firft I met -full butt, 
 face to face -and if he is'nt drown'd or prefs'd, 
 J muft leave London directly never had man 
 fuch infernal luck -(draws a chair and fits in 
 it)- Yes; yes: you're in the old way, mafter 
 Ap- Hazard. 
 
 Lady. Ap-Hazard !- this is the very gentle- 
 man. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. I can't pay him, and I dar'nt fight 
 a duel \(Sees Lady Danvers}by St. David, a 
 
 Divinity !
 
 .FORTUNE'S FOOL. 23 
 
 Divinity ! ---Oh! here *s trumps at laft ! (rifes) 
 Madam ! (bowing.) 
 
 Lady. Sir ! (curffemg)--'H.e feems good tem- 
 per'd, and if I apply to him, perhaps he may 
 befriend me. Sir, I am the unfortunate daughter 
 of IS'rs. Seymour, and as you are now fo high in 
 her favour 
 
 Af -Hazard. Lady Danvers ! more hot-water 
 by heavens ! My dear girl, I woud'nt have 
 Mrs. Seymour fuppofe us tete-a-tete together No 
 not to be friends with the fremwater Captain 
 not to have Chaucer's head whole again not 
 
 Lady. Nay, Sir, J only afk to live and die 
 under my mother's roof j and if I were in your 
 fituation -and once I was fo happy, Sir- I would 
 not refufe to affift you come, come I know 
 you have a humane heart, and I fee- I fee you 
 will make intereft for me ! (Laying hold of him.) 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Fortune's at work again ! She's 
 a fyren ! I'm now on a trap-door, and in ten 
 feconds I mail moot down amidft ten thoufand 
 furies -pity a poor traveller and let me go 
 confider, if I get you into favour with Mrs. Sey- 
 mour, I mall kick myfelf out of it fo I won't 
 I won't interfere for you. 
 
 Lady. (Still laying hold of him) You muft you 
 fhall : I am parted from my hufband, and if 
 my mother does'nt receive me, who will ? think 
 how critical, how delicate, how terrible is my 
 fituation ! Oh ! you {hall not leave me look, 
 on my knees I entreat you ! (kneeling to him.) 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Damme there's no {landing kneel- 
 ing. (Kneels by her) O you angel !- if at this 
 moment I don't loye you far, far beyond your 
 mother ^
 
 24 FORTUNE'S FOOL. 
 
 Enter Mrs. SEYMOUR. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Holloe .'-What's to pay ? 
 
 Mr,* Seymour. Lady Danvers ! Ap-Hazard ! 
 firft inform me, madam, what brought you here ? 
 
 Lady. Alk your feelings, madam. 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. And now, fir, what brought 
 you here ? 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Afk Fortune, madam. Indeed its 
 not my fault, for me knelt to me, and then whe.n 
 I look'd in her face, and 1 fay/ it was fo hand- 
 fbme that is, fo like her mother's-- you compre- 
 hend- 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. I do, fir me has art enough to 
 corrupt the moft artlefs. Lady Danvers, an afy- 
 lum is found for you my friend Mifs Union's car- 
 riage is waiting to conduct you to herhoufe, where 
 you will meet with that protection you chofe to 
 forfake in mine. 
 
 Lady. To Mifs Union ! truft me with my 
 enemy ! place me in the fame houfe with Mr. 
 Orville ! Oh, my mother ! 
 
 Ap~Hazard* I'm out of one fcrape at lad ! fo 
 while the mother's lecturing the daughter, I'll read 
 what accidents have befallen other unlucky dogs ! 
 (Takes a news-paper out of his pocket goes to the 
 lack part of the ft age takes a chair, and fits with his. 
 back turn d to the audience.) 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. I am determined the fervant 
 will mew you to the carriagewho waits there ? 
 (Enter Tom Seymour.) What do you want, fir ? 
 
 Tom. I'll tell you when I've breath- that 
 Welch fmuggler has fo winded me with chafing 
 him I won his money fairly, and if he don't pay 
 and apologize, I'll burn, fink, and deftroy hi pi 
 
 when-
 
 FORTUNE S FOOL. j* 
 
 ^whenever I come up with him--- Juliana! my 
 fifter!--- 
 
 Lady. Brother, intercede for me I only aflc 
 for (helter under my mother's roof, and me refufes 
 me! 
 
 'Tom. I know the reafon me is going to be 
 married. 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. No matter, fir I will be obey'd. 
 
 Tom. Then look ye, Juliana i you mall turn 
 iailor and live with me we'll fteer through life 
 together, and you mall mare my honours and my 
 profits ! (Mrs. Seymour f miles.)- Ay i my profits, 
 madam! -I'd have you know, next week I am 
 going a Voyage of Difcoveries all along the 
 coaft, from Whitehall to Windfor. 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. Perhaps I don't mean to marry 
 at all, fir if I do, I hope I mail make a better 
 choice than your fifter has done not unite my- 
 felf to a ruiri'd gambler, like Sir Charles Danvers ! 
 no, the man I mall felect, will boaft a pure un- 
 contaminated mind, a faithful and an innocent 
 heart, and one who/ never faw a gaming-table in 
 his life. 
 
 Tom. Mefs ! I'd be glad to fee fuch a fellow ! 
 but I fuppofe its like a fafter failor than the Sprightly 
 Kitty a thing not to be found. 
 
 Ap-Eazard. (Still in the chair, with his back to- 
 wards audience) -Trumps ! Trumps ! 
 
 Tom. What's this the uncontaminated gentle- 
 man ! 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. It is, fir. 
 
 Ap-Hazard (not regarding them) -Oh i Game ! 
 (jame ! 
 
 Tom. Why, wind and tide feem both in his fa- 
 your !--- hollow ! father-in-law !
 
 *6 IORTDNE'S FOOL. 
 
 (Tom fmacks him on the back -Ap- Hazard jumps 
 up } and they meet face to face. ) 
 
 dp-Hazard. What's to pay ? 
 
 Tom. What, is it you ?- is this the innocent faith- 
 ful creature, that never faw a gaming-table? ha! 
 ha ! He is really the moft unlucky lubba living--- 
 do you know, mother, laft night at hazard, he 
 took twelve back hands running, and threw crabs 
 to every one of them ! and tofling up for guineas, 
 he called tails, and it came heads twenty times 
 following damme, never call tails, papa--- 
 never ! 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. This is very extraordinary Mr. 
 Ap-Hazard, I had the higheft opinion of your 
 honour ; and when I gave you my picture 
 
 Tom. Gave him your picture ! 
 
 Ap-Hazard. To be fure me did look at it my 
 undone fon-in-law (putting his hand in his waiftcoat 
 pocket) no; its not there hang me, if ever J 
 put my hand in the right pocket in my life its 
 here. 
 
 Tom. No, its here ! (taking the miniature out of 
 his pocket and holding it up) look at it, my undone 
 father-in-law I won it of him laft night at La 
 Fleece'em's, and never thought of looking at it 
 before ; but now I fee the family likenefs---there, 
 take it, mother, and let it remind you, that parents 
 ought'nt to turn their children adrift, for chufing 
 a bad pilot, till they're fure they could have found 
 a better for them, themicives. 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. I fee, and am amam'tl of my 
 credulity- Mr. Ap-Havard, I defire we may never 
 meet again come Juliana I'll go with you my- 
 fclf to Mifs Union's, where if you conduct yourfelf 
 with propriety for a few weeks, I will recal you to 
 
 my
 
 FORTUNE'S FOOL, 27 
 
 my houfe to my heart ! banifh from my me- 
 mory the errors of Lady Danvers, and once 
 more be alive to the virtues of my long-lov'd 
 daughter. 
 
 Lady. Can you be fo generous ? I'll die e'er I 
 a fecond time forfake you and yet my mother , 
 Mrs. Seymour. Nay ; nor you, my fon, neither 
 of you mud doubt Mifs Union. 
 
 ^om. Not doubt her ! for my part I don't know 
 her, for except when the Thames is froze over, 
 1 am n ver at hume. 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. She is my deareft friend, and is fo 
 fond of your fociety (to Lady) that I muft keep my 
 word with her come Mr. Seymour, let me fee 
 you to-morrow for you, Mr. Ap-Hazard, the only 
 reparation you can make me, is to quit my houfe 
 this inftant. [Exit with Lady Danvers. 
 
 'Tom. (after a faufe) Papa. 
 dp-Hazard. Tommy, was there ever fuch 
 luck ? 
 
 'Tom. Luck ! afcribe it to luck ! its all owing to 
 impudence, vice 
 
 ^p-Hazard. There now ! this is always the way. 
 When one man gets down in life and another gets 
 up, the world exclaims, " its all owing to good or 
 bad conduct ;" I fay, its owing to good or bad 
 luck ; and I afk you candidly, when you were 
 fhipwreck'd on the coail of Battcrfea, was it good 
 luck or good management that made you land in 
 feven inch water, noble Captain ? 
 
 Tarn. Come, there's a great deal in chance to 
 be fure, and as the tide is againft you, its unfailor- 
 like to add to your diilrefs fo forget and forgive 
 my boy ! nay, you were merry enough juft now 
 what was the good news, that made you cry- 
 <* Trumps ! trumps !"
 
 28 FORTUNE'S FOOL. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. I forgot that there's a card yet 
 (kijfcs newfpaper) fwcet creature, I'll go to 
 her directly look Captain, read that advertife- 
 ment. 
 
 'Tom. (reading newfpaper) " Matrimony! a Lady 
 who has a heart to difpofe of, would be happy to 
 unite herfelf to a man of fenfe and honour." 
 
 Ap-Hazard. That's me. 
 
 Fern. (Reads.) " She is indifferent about a for- 
 tune, as fhe has two thoufand a year in a brafs- 
 
 manufactory apply to Mifs U , No. 402, 
 
 Grofvenor-flreet. N. B. She would prefer an 
 officer in the army or navy."- Ay ; that's me. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. You fee-r-I'll go directly, 
 
 fom. No you don't I'll go. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. You go ! 
 
 Tom. Yes; I'll go don't you fee me prefers an 
 officer in the navy, and do you think I'd fuffer 
 my honour'd father to marry a woman made of 
 brafs ?-- -no, no I'll go; and, if I fucceed, I'll not 
 only return all the prize I took from you, but give 
 you a third of her booty befide. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Will you ? gad ! I want the money, 
 not the wife, and as you're fo fortunate a fellow 
 
 Tom. And you fo unfortunate a one, that you'd 
 fink a fhip. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. A navy by heavens! fo its a bar- 
 gain, Captain we'll go to La Fleece'em's, where 
 Pm to take my feat in my new uniform, and then 
 you mail vifit the Lady. 
 
 Tom. No, not till to-morrow this is the moft 
 important: day in the whole year the Vauxhall 
 failing match, you rogue the Sprightly Kitty is 
 lure of the Cup, and then think what eclat it will 
 give my introduction. (Looks (it bis watcb) Oh ! 
 
 its
 
 FOOL. &9 
 
 its time to be on board fo go to La Fleece'em's 
 alone put on your new uniform here's fome- 
 thing to warm the pockets with, (giving him money} 
 and now if you get into a fcrape 
 
 Ap-Hazard (putting money in his long purfe) I 
 .know how to get out of it what's to pay, noble 
 Captain, what's to pay ? \JLxfwt. 
 
 EtfD OF ACT THE SECOND. 
 
 ACT
 
 FORTUNES FOOL. 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 SCENE. An Apartment in Mifs UNION'S 
 
 Houje. 
 
 Enter SIR BAMBER BLACKLETTER and LADY 
 DANVERS. 
 
 Sir Bamber. Send for a Proctor, did you fay f 
 r have you applied to Mrs. Seymour ? 
 
 Lady. I have, fir, but there is no end to my 
 
 me :her's credulity this morning I informed 
 
 her, that Mifs Union wilh'd me to gain a divorce 
 from Sir Charles, in order that I might marry 
 Mr. Orville nay : that (he had even fent for a 
 Proctor to confult on the fubject, and confequently 
 that while I remain'd in this houfe, I knew I 
 mould be expos'd to one continued fcene of danger 
 and of infult. 
 
 Sir Bamber. Well ! and what was Mrs. Sey- 
 mour's anfwer ! 
 
 Lady. That me difbelieved the whole ftory, 
 and bid me beware how I accufd Mifs Union 
 falfely (lay here I will not- I'd rather die than 
 pafs another night under this roof Oh, fir! you 
 were once a friend to me. 
 
 Sir Bamber. So I am dill I'm a friend to the 
 whole fex that is to the young part for though 
 Fm very fond of old books, becaufe they fome- 
 times fetch a great price, I've no attachment for 
 old women, for they never fetch any price at all 
 I tell you what though I dare fay Mifs Union 
 and Mrs. Seymour have both good reafons for their 
 5 conduct.
 
 SORTUNE S FOOL. 31 
 
 conduct, yet there fhall always be a place in my 
 library for fuch a beautiful octavo as your Lady- 
 fliip -you fhall come to my houfe. 
 
 Lady. Will you be fo generous ? 
 
 Sir Bamber. To be fure I will od ! ! Charles 
 is fomewhat in my books again, and if I could 
 find the young runaway where can he have hid 
 himfelf? 
 
 Lady. I have not heard from him fince we 
 parted, and if he knew how I regarded him 
 Ah, fir ! but for Mifs Union's influence, we 
 might be ftill united I not fiiffering feparation ! 
 nor he in danger of a prifon. 
 
 Sir Bamber. Not a word againft Mifs Union 
 me poffeffes the Chaucerian Manufcript the dear 
 delicious Trickarinda ! and now I think on't 
 if I'm found decoying you from her houfe me'll 
 be fo offended Oh Lord ! I fhall lofe the 
 darling treafure. 
 
 Lady. Nay, fir! Mifs Union need'nt know 
 where I'm gone, nor that you are concern'd in my 
 cfcape. 
 
 Sir Bamler. True : if it could be manag'd 
 let me fee now for a plot I'm well read in old 
 
 plays and I have it are you not going to the 
 
 Opera to night ? 
 
 Lady. I .am I fit in Mifs Union's box. 
 
 Sir Bamber. Then I'll meet you there and find 
 a way to get off unfeen it's a modern plot, but fo 
 much the better like the plots in modern plays, 
 it's not likely to be found out (knocking at the 
 door.) This is the Proctor, perhaps, (Enter a 
 fervant.) Who is it ? 
 
 Servant. A ftrange gentleman, who wants to fee 
 my miftrefs, fir. [Exfi. 
 
 Sir Bamber. Ay : ay : it's the Proctorlet- us 
 
 get
 
 3* FORTUNE S FOOL. 
 
 get out of the way till we. meet at the Opera 
 farewell ! I'll fecure your efcape, and if this god* 
 fon this what's to pay Welchman, at our next 
 meeting, fqueezes hands and breaks heads, Charles 
 Ihall be my heir ftill. 
 
 Lady. Sir, I am all gratitude adieu ! 
 
 Sir Bamber. Adieu! its very odd what makes 
 all the women fo fond of me ? No it is'nt my 
 literary reputation compels them to adore me 
 I'm the Englifti Ovid ! I'm a new edition of the 
 Art of Love " Sigh no more ladies, &c." 
 
 [Exit jmgtng Lady Dangers exif< 
 
 Enter Miss UNION and SERVANT. 
 
 Mifs Union. No doubt it's the gentleman from 
 Doctors Commons (hew him up directly 
 [Exit Servant. ] poor Mr. Ap-Hazard ! I declare 
 I quite pity him for his bad fortune, and pity is 
 fo nearly allied to love heigho ! oh ! here's 
 the Proftor now if we can bring about a divorce 
 between Sir Charles and Lady Danvers, me and the 
 large Cornwall eftate may be Orville's ftilL 
 
 Enter TOM SEYMOUR and SERVANT. 
 
 Tom. (The newjpafer in his band). This is 
 No. 402, and that's your miftrefs, you fay. 
 
 Mifs Union. Yes, fir, you're quite right-- 
 pray be feated. 
 
 'Torn. Ma'am i (fitting) it's her- it's the Brafs 
 Lady! -now to {hike her at once (afide)\ 
 gain'd the Cup, Ma'am ! -the Sprightly Kitty 
 won eafy I'll tell you how it was Ma'am. 
 
 Mifs Union. Sir ! 
 
 Tom. Six veffels fet fail for the prize the 
 
 Neptune.
 
 FORTUNES FOOL. 33 
 
 Neptune got the ftart and kept it that is, as far 
 as Milbank there the Sprightly Kitty came up. 
 with her, and then, ma'am, had you feen me at 
 the helm !--- laid her clofe to the wind kept be- 
 tween my antagonift and the more got the 
 weather-gage caught a breeze mot over to the 
 Lambeth coaft tack'd upfeta boat full of com- 
 mon councilmen -dafh'd through the rnidle arch 
 brought her about dropt anchor off the Pro- 
 prietor's barge receiv'd the cup guns firing- 
 drums beating the crew huzzaing ! Oh dam'me, 
 ma'am, if you like officers in the navy, I'm the 
 man. 
 
 Mifs Union. This is very extraordinary but now- 
 a-days men of bufmefs are all men of pleafure 
 however, to the point if you pleafe I fent for you 
 about a divorce. 
 
 'Tom. What ! 
 
 Mifs Union. I fay, I fent for you about a 
 divorce. 
 
 'Tom. And I came to you about a marriage. 
 
 Mifs Union. Marriage ! Lord help you ! its. 
 a proctor I want. 
 
 Tom. No, no its a parfon you want. 
 
 Mifs Union. Me ! Vis'nt of myfelf I'm talking 
 * 'tis of a young couple who have lately parted 
 Sir Charles and Lady Danvers. 
 
 Tom. Sir Charles and Lady Danvers ! 
 
 Mifs Union. Yes : I want my nephew to marry 
 the lady, and therefore if you can put me in a 
 way to manage a divorce look \ (holds up a 
 purji) I underftand feeing ! 
 
 Tom. Pray does Lady Danvers wim this ? 
 
 Mifs Union. No to be fure me does'nt but 
 what fignifies that? Here (offering a furfe} 
 Nay; nobody will know or blame you for it. 
 
 D Tom*
 
 34 FORTUNE'S FOOL, 
 
 Tom. (fifing.'} Yes : there is one peribn who 
 will both know and blame me for it. 
 
 Mifs Union. Who ? 
 
 Tom* Myfelf ! hark ye : I don't care a rope's 
 end for Sir Charles but for Lady Danvers for 
 my poor Juliana ! I woukl'nt add to her diftrefs, 
 if you'd give me a three decker, and ballaft it 
 with your own brafs ! fo that (Jnappingbisfing&s} 
 for your two thoufand a year, and as for your 
 heart mifs i I don't wonder you want to difpofe 
 of it, for at night-time, it mult be a danan'd 
 troublefome mefs-mate to you. 
 
 Mifs Union. Why, what does the brute mean ? 
 
 [om. Mean ! that you may advertife for a 
 hufband every day in the week, and not even my 
 Cabin- boy will have you there there's your 
 hand- bill (giving her the news-paper] you may 
 keep it for Tom Seymour Yes : for the brother 
 of Lady Danvers. 
 
 Mifs Union. The brother of Lady Danvers ! *- 
 What? are you the famous failor I've heard fo 
 much ofr the mighty navigator who annually 
 coils his mother three hundred pounds,. fo.r damage 
 done the fhipping in running foul of them ! Sir, 
 I am Mrs. Seymour's deareit friend, Mifs Union, 
 and I'll inform her 
 
 Tom. You her deanrft friend ! then blefs the 
 Sprightly Kitty for keeping me clear of the 
 family acquaintance ! You inform her ! I'll go 
 to her directly I'll tell her about your prodtors, 
 paribns, and divorces ; and if I've not got a wife 
 by the interview, I'll prove at leaft that I have 
 fav'd a filter, ay ; and expos.' d a falie ffiecd by 
 it ! Your krvant 
 
 Eaf.r SERVANT. 
 
 Servant. Sir, Mr. Ap-Hazard is below he 
 
 defir'd
 
 FORTUNED FOOL. 
 
 tie fir 'd me to inform you, that he is in a hurry 
 to go to the opera j and, as he is in want of ready 
 money, he begs you or the lady will let him have 
 a hundred pounds on account. 
 
 Tom. What, he expects to finger the brafs, 
 does he ? Tell him the lady means to keep it all 
 to herfelf Stay I'll tell him myfelf. Look ye ; 
 if my mother don't remove you from the com- 
 mand of Juliana, I will ! (he is my fitter and 
 may I never fire a cannon, find an ifland, or make 
 a fortune by prize-money, if me fhall be run a- 
 ground, while her brother has an arm to fleer 
 with ! [Exit. 
 
 Mifs Union-. I defy him ; Mrs. Seymour will be- 
 lieve nothing to my difadvantage, I'm fure but 
 what is all this ? (looking at the new/paper} I ad- 
 vertife for a hufband ! I who never pafs a day 
 without an offer ! that have a lift of difcarded 
 lovers as long as Pall-Mall ! that can marry Sir 
 Bamber at a moment's notice ! and here-^-to be 
 ftuck up here amongft Picture Galleries, Poney 
 Races, Quacks, Conjurors ha ! I begin to 
 fufpect now it's a trick- a ftratagem of Sir 
 Charles or Lady Danvers 
 
 Enter ORVILLE. 
 
 Mifs Union. My dear nephew, Pm fo glad 
 you're come I've received fuch a new provoca- 
 tion from Sir Charles or his wife, that I. have 
 now no longer any motive for reftraining your 
 conduct towards the lady you may act as you 
 pleale. 
 
 Orville. May I ? then I'll compel her to fne 
 for a divorce once in my pow'r, I'll anfwer for 
 forcing her to confent to a final feparation from her 
 
 hufhand : ihe is now in the next room, and 
 
 D 2 Mifi
 
 36 FORTUNE'S FOOL. 
 
 Mijs Union. Hold this houfe is facred on Mrs. 
 Seymour's account. To-night you will find her 
 at the opera ; but remember, whatever are your 
 plans, I have nothing to do with them. 
 
 Orville. I underftand I'll not involve you 
 Oh ! at the opera I'll take care to fecure her 
 (knocking) What's that knocking ? In the paf- 
 fage, too, when I enter'd, there was fuch a croud 
 of ftrange figures however, I muft repair to the 
 opera till we meet there, good night. 
 
 Enter SERVANT. 
 
 Servant. Ma'am, here's a Scotch gentleman 
 fays he comes according to advertifement. 
 
 More knocking, and enter another SERVANT. 
 
 Servant. Ma'am, here's a Frenchman afking 
 for the lady who wants a hufband. 
 
 More knocking, and enter another SERVANT. 
 
 Sen-ant. Ma'am, here are fix young Irifhmen. 
 
 Mijs Union. Six young Irimmen ! mercy ! here'll 
 be the whole town prefently lock the doors 
 fhut up the houfe, and, d'ye hear, tell the gen- 
 tlemen, I don't want a hulband yes, tell them- 
 I do but that inftead of having two thoufand a 
 year, I owe thirty thoufand pounds Come, Or- 
 ville Oh ! if I don't match them all, fay I'm no 
 match- maker. [ Exeunf. 
 
 SCENE
 
 FORTUNE S FOOL. 37 
 
 SCENE The Coffee-room at the Opera Houfe the 
 Bar, with Women behind Fruit, Ice, Lemonade, 
 &c. on it. 
 
 Enter three Orange Women. 
 
 Fir ft Woman (Jpeaking to the woman at- the Bar.) 
 A tumbler of water for General Symphony he 
 was feized with hyfterics during the laft fong. 
 
 Second Woman. A glafs of pine ice for the 
 Duchefs of Prattle me has talk'd herfelf into a 
 high fever. 
 
 Third Woman. Some jellies for Lord Totter 
 and here fome hartfhorn for Lady Danvers, 
 who has fainted away at the door of the coffee- 
 room. 
 
 Enter ORVILLE. 
 
 Oruille. Be quick, be quick, I tell you, or 
 Lady Danvers will die -Curfe old Sir Bamber 
 to be handing her out of Mifs Union's box at a 
 moment ^-however, I tripp'd up his heels took 
 her from him, and, if me hadn't fainted with ap- 
 prehenfion, by this time (he had been fafe on the 
 road to my country-houfe -(woman gives hinf 
 Jpartjhorn) Now to revive her, and then 
 ..pounds ! Sir ]Bamber again ! 
 
 Enter Sir BAMBEH BLACFJI-ETTER. . 
 
 Sir Bamber. This opera-Jioufe is no houfe for us 
 
 literary characters Oh, Mr. Orville ! I've been 
 
 fo infulted -this inftant, as I was cgndu&ing Lady 
 
 P 3 Danyers
 
 38 FORTUNE'S FOOL. 
 
 Danvers out of Mifs Union's box, a bullying 
 fellow feiz'd me by the arm twirl'd me round 
 like a T totum, and fent me head fortmoft to the 
 ground, as dead as old Chaucer. 
 
 Orville. Well, fir, I hope you don't fufpeft me ? 
 
 Sir Bamber. Sufpect you ! what the nephew of 
 my dear Mifc Union ? No, no and yet it's well 
 I know your regard for me, for the fellow was 
 drefs'd in a fimilar coat to your's-^though the 
 pafTagc was dark, and we commentators art very 
 mort-fighted, yet I'll fwear the rafcal had on the 
 uniform of La Fleece'em's club. 
 
 Orville. Very likely I'm not the only perfon 
 here in the uniform there's Sir diaries Dan- 
 yers 
 
 Sir Bamber. Charles in the uniform ! he the 
 ruffian !- Oh, the defperado ! Well ! whoever 
 it is, Mr. Orville, he has not only taken from 
 me the fweeteft girl in England, but alfo the greateft 
 curiofity in the whole world my ihuff-box I- 
 my invaluable muff- box ! which Charles the Se- 
 cond gave Killigrew for his jokes, and which a 
 pawnbroker gave me for fixty guineai help me 
 to fearch for him 
 
 On-ille. Excufe me I'm engaged Now to carry 
 
 Lady Danvers to my villa, and then me's mine 
 
 for ever ! (cfide) Good night, Sir Bamber j and, 
 
 v depend on't, Sir Charles was your aflailant. [Exif. 
 
 Sir Bamber. Charles my aflailant ! then Ap- 
 Hazard is my heir, and I'll leave Lady Panvers to 
 ftarve with her huiband. I could forgive his 
 taking his wife from me, but to knock me 
 down, and fteal my Killigrew ! Oh ! they may 
 both go to Scotland again I've done with them 
 I've hah ! who comes here ? another man 
 in the uniform ! (Jtands fif.de) 
 
 Enter
 
 FORTUNE S FOOL. 39 
 
 Enter AP -HAZARD in the Uniform. 
 
 Ap-Hazard, Bravo, Mafter Ap-Hazard! 
 fince you've put on this uniform, you've come 
 on amazingly. Mils Union has exchang'd ftich 
 glances with me, that there's no doubt I lhall fin- 
 ger the brafs yet ; and eroding the paffage, I 
 found fuch a valuable curiofity fuch a divine 
 fnuff-box (takes a -pinch of Jnuff out of it, and 
 puts it in his pocket)* ha J Bam ! how are you, 
 Bam? 
 
 Sir Bamber. Bam ! furely he can't be the ruf- 
 fian what brought you here, fir ? 
 
 Ap-Hazard. I came to fee the opera, fir but 
 the thing's impofiible I hav'nt had a gHmpfe of 
 a fingle dancer or finger, 
 
 Sir Bander. And why, fir ? 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Becaufe the audience are the per- 
 formers, jlnd there's nothing to be feen on the 
 itage, but foldiers, fcene-fhifters, prompters, and 
 thole paiteboard figures iluck. on to the fcenes, 
 call'd men of fafhion Do you know, Bam, in 
 \Vales we us'd to pay but fixpence to look at a 
 waggon full of wild beafts but here, at the opera - 
 houfe, you pay half-a-guinea to peep only 'at 
 mdnkies. 
 
 Sir Bamber. Hark ye, fir didn't you af- 
 fault me juft now ? 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Me aflault you? 
 
 Sir Bennber. Yes, fir -didn't you take Lady 
 Danvers from me ? 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Me ! no, no I was rather un- 
 fortunate in the morning, but now I'm in better 
 luck, and we'll be better friends-^ give, me your 
 hand no not thq gouty one there-^-ancl now 
 D 4 I'll
 
 4 FORTUNES FOOL. 
 
 I'll make you amends for fracturing old Geof- 
 frey's fkullr here' (pulling out a paper} here's 
 fuch a literary treafure - 
 
 Sir Bamber. Is there ? let's fee it. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Gently- no hurry I look upon 
 you as the father of the literati- the chief of com- 
 mentators- the king of blue {lockings- and there- 
 fore I'll read to you an original ilanza, written 
 by Shakefpeare written for one of the witches 
 in Macbeth. 
 
 Sir Bamber. An original flanza for one of the 
 witches!; Oh! let. me hear. 
 
 Af -Hazard. Ay never, never publilh'd. ,...' 
 iiften. 
 
 (Reads.} 
 
 Hinx, fpinx, the Devil winks, 
 
 The fat begins to fry ; 
 Nobody at home but jumping Joan,. 
 
 Father, mother, and I. 
 
 O, U, T, 
 
 With a black, and a brown fnout, 
 Out ! Pout ! Out ! 
 
 There ! isn't that genuine ? 
 
 Sir Bamber. Genuine ! I'll take my oath it's 
 Shakefpeare's ! -Yes, yes, Charles was the ruf- 
 fian -repeat it, my dear boy, repeat it " Hinx, 
 fpinx 
 
 Ap-Hazard (taking Jnnf.) " The Devil winks" 
 take a pinch {offering him bis own Jnuff-box) - 
 why what do you ftare at r take a pinch, I fay. 
 
 Sir Bamber (Jnatching the- box from him.) It is ! 
 no it isn't yes, it is my own dear Killigrew- 
 Ch, you accompiifh'd villain 1 
 
 Ap-Hazard*
 
 FORTUNE S FOOL. 4! 
 
 AptHazwd. Villain ! I found it 1-^r 
 
 Sir Bamber. It's all out now ! -he was the af- 
 failant, and Charles is innocent. Now ar'nt you 
 a pretty fcoundrel ! At our firfl interview, you 
 break old Geoffrey's fkull ; and at the fecond you 
 .crack mine! Look'ye, you may return to Wales, 
 for I'll adopt a printer's devil a compofitor -a 
 fly-boy- any body, in preference to fuch a hinx- 
 fpinx impoftor ! 
 
 Ap-Hazard. What ! you give me up, do you ? 
 
 Sir Bamber. Give you up ! : if it wer'nt fqr 
 Mifs Union, I'd have you hang'd! 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Well ! what then ? 
 
 Sir Bamber. What then ! 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Ay, what then ?-r-When a man 
 has no luck in one world -damme it's infupporta- 
 ble ! I'm tir'd out : and at this moment I'm irj 
 fuch a conflagration, that I could burn the theatre 
 myfelf, and all the people in it. Here give me 
 ibmething cooling- ice- lemonade vinegar ! i 
 (goes up to the bar, and in bis hurry breaks three or 
 
 four glafles). Very well ! " What's to pay ?" 
 
 curfe it ! " what's to pay ?" 
 
 Sir Bamber. Poor Lady Danvers !^ I wonder 
 what's become of her : if I could find her, and 
 
 make her amends Heh ! here me is, and Or^- 
 
 ville with her ! 
 
 Enter LADY DANVERS, ftrugglmg with ORVIELE. 
 
 Lady, (Jpeaking as Jhe enters). Sir, I infill-- nay, 
 
 I mutt I will be heard ! Gentlemen, if you 
 
 have any pity, protect me from this hypocrite. 
 Sir Bamber ! Mr. Ap-Hazard ! you once fav'4 
 my mother in diftrefs, now extend your gallantry. 
 {o her unfortunate daughter !
 
 42 FORTUNE'S FOOL. 
 
 Oroille. Pfha ! they'll neither of them interfere 
 for you : one's too old the other too daftardly 
 
 dp-Hazard. Who's daftardly ! -I'll interfere 
 
 for her or for any body or for every body 1 
 
 Orville. Indeed ! What makes you fo mad- 
 headed ? 
 
 dp-Hazard. What makes one man a highway- 
 man ? another a filicide r a third a dueliift ? 
 
 Why defperation ! defperation ! I'm chuck-full 
 of it at this moment ! I can't be worfe off than 
 J am, fo yield up the lady, or elfe take hold of 
 the corner of that handkerchief we'll fight acrofs 
 it, muzzle to muzzle, Mr. Orville ! 
 
 OfviUf. This interruption's tedious Lady 
 
 Danvers, I infift (tying bld of her). 
 
 dp-Hazard, (ftanding before 'them). Stop, fir! 
 J fee, you're one of thole puppies, who having 
 Jail all character, try to relieve it, by robbing 
 women of their honour and men of their lives* 
 {here Orville produces piftols)-~\f fo, there's my 
 card -here's my piftol {taking one from Qryil/e} 
 and, unlucky as I am, I'll bet twenty to ten 
 my mot againft yours (prefints piftol).. Out of 
 the way, -Bam, out of the way ! 
 
 Orville. This is'ttt a proper place to adjuft thefe 
 matters in; you'll bring the audience to fee you. 
 
 dp-Hazard. So much the better : I like to 
 bring an audience to fee me : and the fuller the 
 houfe, the more my acting will be applauded.- 
 However, if we can't fight here, we can fight 
 f Ifewhere : co:.ne over the way to my lodgings 
 (Or-ville pattfcs). W T hat ! does Fortune leave you 
 in the lurch ? Look, ma'am look at the lofing 
 hero ! 
 
 WrvtHif. Don't fancy I'm afraid, fir: I don't 
 lu^ to leave the lady, that's all. 
 
 i Sir
 
 FORTUNE'S FOOT* 43 
 
 Sir Bamber, (afide to Orville). Oh ! I'll take 
 tare of her, upon my honour. 
 
 Ori)ille. What, you'll keep her fafe till I re- 
 turn ? then I'll go with him there is no other 
 way ; and after all I don't think he'll fight. 
 
 Come, fir, no delay Madam, I'll make an 
 
 example of your champion ; and when I come 
 back 
 
 Ap-llazard. Madam, he fhall never come back 
 
 again ! There's no danger -, if he will fight, I 
 
 won't : and the man who makes up his mind to 
 one or to the other, is equally determined 
 
 (afide}. Come along, fir. Bam, I'm re- 
 
 folv'd Madam, he's a dead man ! 
 
 [Exit with ORVILLE. 
 
 Sir. Bamber. There they go and now, my 
 fvveet octavo, we'll go too. I forgive the fellow 
 every thing I do ; becaufe he has fav'd you from 
 Orviiie, who I now fee was the real villain after 
 all. 
 
 Lady. Ah, fir ! but if Mr. Ap-Hazard mould 
 lofe his life ? 
 
 Sir Bamber. Lofe his life ! blefs you : when a 
 quarrel takes place at a theatre, it's five to one 
 they don't fight ; and if they do, it's ten to one 
 neither of them are wounded. But come, let** 
 to my houfe directly, and leave the people of 
 fafhion to fleep over the opera by -themfelves. 
 Do you know, Juliana, I've a great mind to give 
 up literature, and learn to caper: I have, for this 
 reafon now-a-days, the worft dancer makes more 
 by his heels, than the belt author does by his 
 Jiead ! [Exeunt-. 
 
 END OF THE THIRD ACT.
 
 44 .FORTUNE'S FOOL. 
 
 ACT IV. 
 
 SCENE. Outfide of Si* BAMBER'S Houfe in Grcf* 
 venor Square. 
 
 Enter SIR BAMBER and LADY DANVERS. 
 
 Sir Bamber. Ay, ay : J told you how the duel 
 would end. 
 
 l-ady. Had'nt we better enter your houfe, Sir ? 
 we may be purfued. 
 
 Enter from the Houje, SAMUEL. 
 
 Samuel. Oh Sir! I'm glad you're come home. 
 
 Sir Bamber. Why, what's the matter, firrah ? 
 
 Samuel. There's been fuch a rumpus, fir I- 
 Mrs. Seymour's butler has been here, alking after 
 your Honour and Lady Danyers. 
 
 Sir Bamber. Indeed ! 
 
 Samuel. Yes. They have been inform'd that 
 you had carried off the lady from the opera. 
 There'll be blood fpilt I'm fure, for Mrs. Sey- 
 mour and her fon, JVlifs Union and her nephew, 
 all vow revenge ; and if Lady Danvers is found 
 in our houfe 
 
 Sir Bamber. None of your illuftrations, firrah ! 
 {Exit SAMUEL.) What's to be done ?---Mrs. 
 Seymour will perfecute, Orville and her fon infuk 
 
 me , and Mifs Union 'fdeath ! I fnall lofe both 
 
 .her and Trickarinda no, no, fhe mus'nt be 
 
 found in my houfe. 
 
 Lady. I'm forry to perplex you, fir; and if I 
 knew how 
 
 Sir Bamber. There is only one way- you muft 
 
 return
 
 FOOL. 4? 
 
 return to Mifs Union's : for I'd rather be accus'd 
 of having written all the new novels of lait year, 
 than prov'd to be author of your prefent elope- 
 ment. Mercy on me ! here's one of our pur- 
 
 fuers. (They go up theflage.) 
 
 Enter AP-HAZARD, (the flap of his coat torn). 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Here's luck now !- I receive an 
 affignation from Mifs Union keep on my beft 
 
 drefs 
 
 Sir Bamber. Oh, its only you, is it ? 
 Ap-Hazard. I receive an affignation, I fay - 
 knock at the lady's door---all joy and expectation 
 when a litde fquare terrier-fac'd fellow feizes me 
 by the flap of the coat ; tears it afunder ; calls me a 
 money-lender, himfelf a coach-maker, and fwears 
 I fwindPd him out of a chariot worth three hun- 
 dred pounds. -I explain; and he coolly walks 
 off, faying he never faw one man more like an- 
 other than I am to the notorious A. B. Curfe 
 him ! I muft go home, and refit myfelf for the 
 affignation. 
 
 Sir Bam&er, (flopping him). Don't you fee Lady 
 Danvers ? flic's all gratitude for your gallantry ; 
 and, between ourfelves, fhe has made notes on 
 your figure : me likes your title-page your fron- 
 tifpiece mum -file's fond of you. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. They all are ! Oh, with the wo- 
 men J'm always fortunate ! -blefs them ! they 
 never got me into a fcrape. 
 
 Sir Bamber. Didn't they ? you're a luckier fel- 
 low then than I thought you. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Never: they never lead any body 
 into mifchief. 
 
 Sir Bamber. No I why here's one of them 
 
 5 has
 
 46 FORTUNE'S FOOL. 
 
 has put a full (lop to all my flights in love and 
 literature. The fex never get you into diffi- 
 culties, you lay ? -I've a great mind to fix him 
 with the care of Lady Danvers (afide)---l will. 
 Hark 'ye ! flic's in a particular fituation 
 me wants a protector. 
 
 dp-Hazard. A protector ! 
 
 Sir Bamber. Ay : don't you know what a pro- 
 tector is ? 
 
 dp-Hazard. Oh ! a man who takes care of 
 himfelf. 
 
 Sir Bamber. Come, that's a new reading. * 
 She has no home, I tell you ; and as I heard you 
 lay you were going to your lodgings, will you 
 take her under your arm ? 
 
 dp-Hazard. Will I not ! My dear Bam, 
 
 always put yourfelf in Fortune's way. Madam ! 
 
 Sir Bamber. Hurti ! I'll fpeak to her. What 
 
 a nanny-goat it is ! - (ajide.) Juliana-^ I 
 
 can't keep my countenance--- (laughing)-*^ as 
 you fee the danger of going to my houie, and 
 object to return to Mifs Union's, I've thought of 
 a fnug fhelf for you : a female relation of mine 
 lives in the next ftreet, and this favourite of the 
 ladies (failing at dp-Hazard) here will conduct 
 you- nay, he'll fight for you, I warrant ; though 
 not a profels'd duellift, he can crack a fkull as 
 well as any cudgeller in England. 
 
 Lady. Sir, I've no reafon to think Mr. Ap - 
 Hazard will lead me into danger. 
 
 Ap-Ilazc.rd. Then* you're wrong, madam ; I 
 never take a ftep without getting into danger : 
 and fince I entered this inaufpicious town, I've 
 got into every fcrape a man can get into except 
 one. 
 
 And what is that one r
 
 FORTUNE'S FOOL.: 47 
 
 dp-Hazard. A law- fui t ! I've had no com- 
 merce with the lawyers ; although I've heard there 
 are 200,000, I've efcaped them all: and that's 
 an equivalent for moft of my bad fortune.--- 
 
 Come, let's begone, madam. 1 fay, don't you 
 
 envy me ? 
 
 Sir Bafnber. I do t John Gilpin was nothing to 
 you. Stop though: treat her kindly behave 
 like a man of honour. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Honour! now I think on't, 
 
 what's become of Mifs Union ?---fhe's waiting 
 
 all this time, and Well ! I'll fee her fafe, 
 
 (pointing to Lady Danvers) and then once more 
 
 for the afllgnation. Lady Danvers, I've an 
 
 arm to fight for you, a head to plot for you, and 
 
 a heart to feel for you ! -and Oh, Sir Bam ! 
 
 " there is a tide in the affairs of men, which, 
 taken at the flood, leads on to fortune :" I'm now 
 at high-water mark, and this pilot will fteer me 
 into fuch an ocean of luck, that henceforth my 
 watch-word mall be " what's to receive ?" never 
 will I afk " what's to pay ?" again. 
 
 [Exit with LADY DANVERS. 
 
 Sir Eamler. Ha, ha, ha !- Good luck to you. 
 Now there'll be no blood fpilt : I can tri- 
 umph over Mrs. Seymour and her fon, and pre- 
 ferve Mifs Union and Trickarinda. 
 
 Enter TOM and MRS. SEYMOUR. 
 
 fom. Where is my fitter, fir ? You have 
 decoy'd her from the opera, and taken me from 
 an harpooning party at Putney, where the fifh are 
 now waiting for me Deliver her up this inftant, 
 or by the regatta 1 fwear 
 
 <i'/> Bam. None of your pitch and tar here, fu>! 
 
 - Mrs.
 
 FORTUNE'S FOOL. 
 
 Mrs. Seymour, lead this libellous report 
 
 fhould injure me in Mils Union's good opinion, 
 I am compelled to give up the real author at 
 once my hopeful heir is the gentleman^ Lady 
 Danvers is this inftant gone with Ap-Hazard to 
 his lodgings. 
 
 Tom. Oh you old marauder ! what ! follow 
 the track of Munchaufen ? try to outiail that 
 
 great difcoverer on the marvellous ocean ! All 
 
 I know is, if Ap-Hazard has fteer'd off with the 
 Juliana brig, there'll be a pretty fmart engage- 
 ment between her and the Union fire-fhip. 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. Hold, fir ! hav'nt I told you 
 not to reflect on that good woman ? 
 
 Tom. And hav'nt I told you to reflect on that 
 good woman? -I fay Mifs Union is a crazy 
 veffel j and as a proof of it, fne fent Ap-Hazard 
 a love-letter he fhew'd it me ; and may I never 
 fet the Thames on fire, if T doH't think me is now 
 
 in his cabin. Juliana's a good girl ; and takes 
 
 too much after her brother, to ad in an unfailor- 
 like or difhonourable manner. 
 
 Sir Bamber. This is'nt to be borne ! Mrs. 
 
 Seymour, that you may be eye-witnefs of mine 
 and Mifs Union's innocence, will you go with me 
 to Ap-Hazard's lodgings ? In the mean time, 
 your illiterate amphibious fon here may examine 
 my houfe. 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. With all my heart. Come, (in 
 
 Sir Bamber, (to Tom). Mind though when 
 you enter the library, don't fteal any of the ma- 
 nufcripts. 
 
 Tern. I fteal them ! pooh ! they're too heavy 
 for the Sprightly Kitty: one cargo of black-letter" 
 ballaft would fink her and the whole crew. 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. Will you never forego this aqua- 
 tic
 
 FORTUNE'S FOOL; 49 
 
 (;c mania ? will you never be creditable to your 
 family, or ufeful to your country ? 
 
 ^om. Ufeful to my country ? 1 never had 
 
 an opportunity of proving it. But I'll tell you 
 what if an enemy's fleet appears off our coaft, 
 I'll not trouble myfelf about the falt-water^ be- 
 caufe there are tight lads enough to take care of 
 the Channel ; but for. freih-water, if they venture 
 above bridge, only let me catch 'erh in Chelfea 
 Reach, and I and the Sprightly Kitty will give 
 them fiich broadfides. Oh ! we'll aflert the dig- 
 nity of old Thames j and, while we've a plank to 
 Hand on, protect its fimeries, coal-barges, navi- 
 gation, and trade. \Exeunt* 
 
 SCENE AP~HAZARD'S Lodgings; aabk y witb 
 Wine; two Chairs* 
 
 Enter AP-HAZARD and LADY DANVERS. 
 
 Ap-Hazardy (in another coat}. Now to meet 
 Mifs Union Good b'ye : order what you want. 
 
 Lady. Don't leave me, I entreat you. 
 
 yip-Hazard. Not leave you ! I'm fure you'll 
 pardon me when I confefs I've an affignation ; 
 the lady has been waiting thefe two hours : and 
 no wonder at it, for when I fet out for one place, 
 I'm fo fure of arriving at another, that the other 
 day, when I meant to dine at Hyde-Park Corner, 
 the drunken hackney-coachman let me down at 
 Shoreditch church; 
 
 Lady. I only afk you to remain till the miftrefs 
 of the houfe comes home. Pray have you ever 
 ieen or convers'd with her ? 
 
 Ay-Hazard. Saw her this morning; fhe brought 
 me my bill j and becaufe I wasn't fortunate enough 
 to pay her, me bid me quit my lodgings. 
 
 E Lady.
 
 \V 1 , 
 
 6 FORTUNE S FOOl. 
 
 Lady. Your lodgings ! furely I'm not de-* 
 Ceiv'd. Pray, fir, whofe room is this ? 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Mine, ma'am thefc are my apart- 
 ments. In the next room there lodges a darning 
 young baronet : nobody knows his name ; be- 
 caufe he is fo afraid of being tap'd on the (boulder, 
 that he has'nfe ftir'd out fmce he came. Over 
 head is an old lady, who is all day fencing un- 
 derneath is a young one learning to play on the 
 trumpet in the the garret is a fpouting author 
 and over him is a nightly concert of mewing cat- 
 erwauling lovers. 
 
 Lady. Sir, anfwer me this queftion is the 
 miftrefs of this houle a relation of Sir Bamher's ? 
 
 Ap-Hazard. No, to be fure me is'nt hang it, 
 me may though ; for now I recollect, I've feen 
 her roll up butter of her own making in manu- 
 
 fcripts of his writing. Well, it's too late for 
 
 Mils Union now; no doubt me has given me up; 
 and fmce you've been the caufe of my difappoint- 
 ing one dear creature, make me amends by al- 
 lowing me to make love to a dearer one kifs 
 
 Lady. Don't come near me, fir ! 
 
 Ap-Hazard. I thought you'd prove a lucky ftar, 
 and you have : my heart forbodes fuch a fcene of 
 good fortune (offers to kifs her)-*-* nay, if I 
 don't behave like a gentleman, may I never turn 
 up an honour as long as I live ! 
 
 Lady. Keep off, I infift, fir ! Is this your ge- 
 nerofity ! Oh, Sir Charles Danvers ! Sir Charles 
 Danvers !- what mifery has our union entailed 
 upon me ! what have I fuffered by forming an 
 alliance, without confidering whether there was 
 fortune or affection to fupport it. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Sir Charles Danvers ! pooh ! I 
 don't care that for him : I've turn'd him out of 
 
 one
 
 FORTUNE'S FOOL; 51 
 
 :me houfe already -, and if he were here at this 
 moment, I'd fay to him ; 
 
 Enter SIR CHARLES DANVERS. . 
 
 Sir Charles. Well, fir ! what would you fay to 
 him ? 
 
 Ap-Bazard. What's to pay? Nothing more, 
 upon my v/ord. 
 
 Sir -Charles. Being in the next room, and hear- 
 ing my name, I came to lee who utter'd it 
 Lady Danvers ! ^alone and in the apartments of 
 
 my enemy ! What ! becaufe he has fupplanted 
 
 me in my uncle's affections, does he rival me in 
 yours ? becaufe he is heir to a large fortune, is 
 he more worthy your regard, than a ruin'd, loft, 
 unhappy hufband ? Speak ! 
 
 Lady. Sir Charles, your former good opinion 
 I do not wifh to forfeit ; and if not lov'd, I cannot 
 bear to be defpis'd. I have been betray 'd here : 
 firlt, by the artifices of Mifs Union and Orville ; 
 and next, by the treachery of your uncle and his 
 friend. -This is my j unification : and now judge, 
 whether he can atone for the lofs of a hufband, 
 who till this hour I honour'd and efteem'd. 
 
 Sir Charles. Hear me, fir ! What ill intentions 
 urg'd you to attempt fuch daring villainy ? 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Ill luck, not ill intentions, I allure 
 you, fir. A woman never led me into a fcrape 
 befc.j; and I thought by {ticking clofe to an 
 angel, to keep the devil at an agreeable diftance. 
 But I fee Love as well as Fortune makes a 
 fool of me they're both blind to my merits 1 ' 
 a,nd fo good-night. 
 
 . Sir Charles. Hold, fir ! ftir not a ftep ! 
 
 Lady Danvers, misfortune, not hatred, parted us -, 
 E 2 and
 
 2 , FORTUNES root. 
 
 and with my life I'll guard you from your 
 
 niies Give me your hand Ah I you once 
 
 gave it me 
 
 Lady. I did : and if it be worth keeping, take 
 it again, Sir Charles. I've bought experience 
 fince you left me j and I feel a plcafure in declar- 
 ing, that were I fingle to-morrow, there is but 
 one man on earth mould have my hand and heart 
 and that one, is Sir Charles Danvers. 
 
 Sir Charles. Is it pofiible ? You tranfport me \ 
 
 dp-Hazard. So me did me juft now. Take 
 
 care, my fine fellow take care ! A man never 
 has a cup-full of joy irr one hand, but prefently 
 pops a pail-full of for row in the other. 
 
 Lady. I'll make one more appeal to my mo- 
 ther ; I have now a new tale to unfold to her : 
 and if we can but convince her, and your uncle, 
 of Mifs Union's duplicity, we may be happy 
 ftill. Why that figh, Sir Charles ? 
 
 Sir Charles. My debts have fallen into other 
 hands : old Colonel Orville is dead : and my 
 greateft foe is now my chief creditor. Orville is 
 determined to throw me into prifbn : and on his 
 account I was driven to thofe rooms ; for which I 
 have now reafon to thank him ; fince this inter- 
 view has prov'd, my Juliana, that though divided 
 by necefiity, we're ftill united by dearer ties than 
 matrimonial bonds by mutual inclination by 
 difinterefted love. 
 
 Lady. We are : and, but for our enemies, Sir 
 Charles 
 
 Sir Charles. Ay : but for them ! 'S death 1 
 
 when I think how you have been treated ! 
 
 However, let me lofe no time in conducting yoir 
 to your mother's. I'll make at lead one example 
 them And you, fir '-mark me, fir ! 
 
 wait
 
 FOTITUNE'S FOOL. 53 
 
 wait till I return ; and then be prepared to give 
 me fuch fatisfaftion as the honour of an injnr'd 
 hufband demands ! [Exit with Lady Divers. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. An injur'd hufband demands ! 
 very well fire away, gentlemen ! if I had ten 
 thoufand lives, I dare fay you'd take them all 
 they flian't, though (draws a chair and fits in it) 
 Here I perch for life ! from this chair I never 
 ftir here I'll wrap myfelf up like an owl in an 
 old tree, and then let the tempell bellow round 
 me -Heigho ! (looks at the wine on the table} I 
 mould like to drink a glafs of wine to raife my 
 fpirits ! (gets half up) Nc I won't budge- if I 
 ftir, I know I mail tread on that infernal piece of 
 orange peel, flip down, and break my neck !- 
 Plague on't ! will there never come a turn in my 
 favour ? will Fortune never I'll fit crofs'd leg'd 
 for luck Ha !- I have it if my pocket-book 
 is'nt ftolen, there's a bill of my father's in it now 
 due- here it is ! I'll touch the cam directly^fet 
 off for Wales to night -leave thefe Cocknies to 
 fight it out by uhemfelves laugh at having trick'd 
 them, and fo (as be is going 'enter Mifs Union.} 
 
 Mifs Union. And fo make appointments with 
 one lady, only to keep them with another ! let 
 me bite my fingers for two hours, and be the 
 whole time fighing herewith Lady Danvers ! 
 What have you got there ? a lift of afTignations I 
 fuppofe-. -(fnatches the pocket -book from him)Y\\ 
 teach you how to keep them ! there \ (tears 
 leaves out of the book, note, &c.) 
 
 Ap-Hazard. You've torn my father's note ! O 
 Lord ! What's to pay ? 
 
 Mifs Union. (Knock at the door) Mercy ! who's 
 here ?
 
 54 FORTUNE S FOOL, 
 
 Enter a SERVANT. 
 
 Servant. Sir Charles Danvers has juft Tent, fir* 
 to defire you'll follow him to Hyde Park, and 
 bring piftols with you, direclly. [Exit. 
 
 dp-Hazard. I'll come. Now I can get rid of 
 this plague and if I go near the Park -Oh ! I'll 
 flip thro' all their fingers yet. 
 
 Enter another SERVANT, 
 
 Servant. Mr. Orville and his fecond are at the 
 door in a poft-chaife, fir and he fwears, if you 
 don't inftantly fet out for Hamburgh, he'll pod 
 you for a coward. [Exit. 
 
 dp-Hazard. It never rains but it pours. 
 
 Enter another SERVANT. 
 
 Servant. Mrs. Seymour, and Sir Bamber Black- 
 letter, fir they fay you have carried off Lady 
 Danvers, and if you don't inftantly reftore her to 
 her mother, your life muft anfwer for tbe confe- 
 quences. 
 
 dp-Hazard. Very well : (hew them up- only 
 fay, my life is befpoke by ib many people, that 
 if they don't make hafte, I fhan't have a bit of 
 flefh left to peck at (Servant exit.)- this is the 
 crifis ! 
 
 Mifs Union. Heavens ! if they mould fi- i me here 
 Mr. Ap- Hazard my dear Mr. Ap-Hazard 
 only get me out of this fcrape- Where fhali I hide 
 mylelf! 
 
 dp-Hazard, (in a reverie} -In a brafs-mine ;-- - 
 for me---I'il confult the ftars. 
 
 Mifs Union. Confult the ftars, and let trie be 
 
 difcover'd here they come, and I know they'll 
 
 fearch every hole and corner to find Lady Dan- 
 
 5 vers ! .
 
 FORTUNE'S FOOL. 5 
 
 vers '.Where fhall I go ? -ha ! a window 
 with a balcony !---! fhall conceal myfelf in that 
 balcony, and if you betray me : 
 
 [Exit into balcony. 
 
 Enter Sir BAMBER, and Mrs. SEYMOUR. 
 
 Sir Bamler. Now, fir, produce the lady 
 reftore her to her unhappy mother Why, what's 
 the fool flaring at ? look at me look in my 
 face. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. I do and a more ill-omen'd 
 vifage never crofs'd me there's fatality in every 
 furrow a icrape in every wrinkle, and a devil 
 O. U. T. out, with a black and brown fnout 
 out : pout : out. 
 
 Enter TOM SEYMOUR. 
 
 Well, Sir have you feen your fifter ? 
 
 Tom. I have I acquit you, Sir Bamber You 
 are innocent But O ! you fountain of all ini- 
 quity- (laying hold of Ap-Hazard) you rock > 
 you quickfand you whirlpool ! ^how dare you 
 decoy my fifter to thefe lodgings ? 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Theftars foretel a watery grave 
 and lo ! here comes the mighty mafter of the 
 art of finking to mew me to the bottom How 
 did you feel when you were drown'd ? 
 
 Tom. Not half what you will when 1 fhoot yotu 
 on my quarter deck -Lady Danvers is in this 
 houfe I have feen' her. 
 
 Sir Bamber. There ! ^now hav'nt I been libel'd ? 
 has'nt Mifs Union been lampoon'd ? and 
 won't I have you pillored, fir, for faying tha; 
 yolume of virtue was in thefe apartments ? 
 
 E 4 Tom,
 
 $6 FORTUNE'S FOOL. 
 
 Tom. I faid fhe fent this Tornado a love letter 
 (pointing to yip-Hazard) and I'm fure fhe has 
 brals enough to : mefs ! -don't weep fo, mother : 
 I'm not us'd to fait water, and you'll make me 
 cry too. 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. 1 could have borne any thing but: 
 this to fee my child difgrac'd ! : her reputation 
 fullied ! Oh, my fon ! . 
 
 Tom. (crying-) Hang it! -I'm forry I faid I 
 faw her, now; but looking up to fee if the wind 
 blew fair for Putney, I fpied her in the bal- 
 cony. 
 
 Sir Bamber. In the balcony ! What there ? 
 
 Tom. (Jiill crying. ) Yes: there that pirate has 
 conceal'd my loft- unhappy filter. 
 
 Sir* Bamber. I'll have her out. 
 
 To:. . No you fhan't expofe her. 
 
 Sir Bamber. I will- to vindicate my own and 
 Mifs Union's character (throws up window, and 
 leads on Mifs Union.) This way, Lady Danvers 
 r the devil ! my intended wife. 
 
 Ap-llazard. What's to pay ? 
 
 Tom. There's brafs for you ! 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Ha ! ha! ha ! am not I the only 
 unlucky one ? have I got a companion in my 
 misfortunes ? Ha ! ha ! till this moment I ftood 
 j^one now here's a joint paymafter ! (Sees Sir 
 B amber looking melancholy) What ! another un- 
 lucky one ! Mrs. Seymour too ! -Oh I^if I go 
 to the bottom, here '11 be a jolly party to fink 
 with me. 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. I'm fo ov.erjoy'd to find my 
 daughter innocent, I have not pow'r to cenfure 
 my falfe friend. (to Tom.) How came you, r, 
 to take this lady for your filter ? 
 
 Tom,
 
 ? S FOOL. 57. 
 
 *fom. That's what puzzles me Mefs ! I don't 
 know whether it was the front of her I faw fop 
 now-a-days women are fo bamboozl'd in their 
 rigging, there's no telling the ftcm from the 
 ftern. ' 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Your fitter is gone to Mrs. Sey- 
 mour's with her hufband ; and Mifs Union 
 
 Mifs Union. Sir- I'll fpeak for myfelf Sir 
 Bamber-r^Mrs. SeymourI came to thefe apart- 
 ments in fearch of Lady Danvers ; and hearing 
 mufic in the ftreet, J ftept into the balcony to. 
 liften to my favourite tune- an old long of Chau r 
 cer's-r the nightingale and 
 
 Sir Bamber. The cuckoo ! -Oh ! oh ! oh ! 
 
 Tom. Come, papa -as we~*re once more friends, 
 let's bear a hand together let's fleer to the club 
 and drink Juliana's health in a thoufand bumpers 
 Good night, mother- and to fpeak authorically, 
 don't you think Sir Bamber and Mifs Union will 
 bind up neatly together ? 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Yes : and if he means to have 
 prints in his edition of Chaucer, let me recommend 
 for the frontifpiece, a view of the balcony ! Mrs. 
 Seymour, you're always welcome to your huf- 
 J3and's apartments Bam, yours. Come, my noble 
 fon-in-law- henceforth I'll not be troublefome to 
 you, for now Fortune has found fombedy elfe to 
 make a fool of, J hope (he'll give me a holiday ! 
 : Ihe'll forget me, but dam'me, I'll remember 
 her, as long as I've a memory ! [Exit with Tom. 
 
 Mifs Union. There's nothing elfe, I believe, 
 fo I'll follow 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. Stay, madam I deferve what I 
 
 fiave fuffered for my credulity, but my daughter 
 
 has merited a happier fate, and I hope this lerTon 
 
 3
 
 58 FORTUNE'S FOOL. 
 
 may be learnt from your conduct and my own 
 that to make love a trade to convert mar- 
 riage into merchandize, and difpofe of a child to 
 the higheft bidder j is proftituting the nobleit 
 pafllonof the human heart. [Exeunt. 
 
 Sir Bamber. Finis. 
 
 N T D OF THE FOURTH AC'F.
 
 FORTUNE'S FOOL. 
 
 59 
 ACT V. 
 
 SCENE. An Apartment at Mrs. SEYMOUR'S. 
 
 Enter Mrs. SEYMOUR and AP-HAZARD. 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. Lady Danvers to go out without 
 feeing me! to quit my houfe fo foon after her re- 
 turn to it, and then be found at Mr. Orville's 
 alone, and in clofe converfation with him ? tell 
 me, fir : you fay you faw her there. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. I fay, my luck has turn'd adieu ! 
 Mrs. Seymour. Nay ; are you going ? 
 Ap-Hazard. Directly I want a fecond, and as 
 the noble Captain's not within, I muft feek one 
 elfewhere I am a man of honour now I have 
 fought Sir Charles mean to fight Orville fo good 
 day. 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. Fought Sir Charles Danvers! 
 Ap-Hazard. To be fure why, you know no- 
 thing I'll tell you how it was he followed me to 
 La Fleece 'em's, and infifted-on immediate fatif- 
 faetion not being in luck that is, my courage 
 not coming when I call'd it, I demur'd---then the 
 members rofe, lock'd the door, and call'd me a fliy- 
 cock ! forced this piftol into my hand when I 
 found there was nothing elfe left for it, I fought 
 like a lion ; and now I am ready to fight any body, 
 --man, woman, and childbut firft I'll moot your 
 friend, Orville. 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. He is no longer a friend of mine 
 ~-his perfecution of Sir Charles, who he means to 
 
 arreft
 
 jo FORTUNES FOOL, 
 
 arreft for the debt of ten thoufand pounds due to 
 his uncle, would alone make me fliun him but 
 about my daughter, fir did you fee her at Mr. 
 Orville's ? 
 
 Ap Hazard. I did I calPd to give him a hint, 
 and feeing her alone with him, I retir'd but I 
 can't ftay--rj mull keep fighting while my hand's 
 in adieu ! London improves fortune takes a 
 jurn, and come what will exit a man of honour ! 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 1 Mrs. Seymour. Laft night I did not fee her, and 
 this morning ihe rofe fo early-^-what's to be done ? 
 I'll go to Mr. Qrville's houfe, I'll hold here flic 
 is I'll obferve. (Stands afide.) 
 
 Enter Lady DANVERS- (Her hat and cloak on.) 
 
 Lady. Mr. Orville has behav'd as I expected 
 he xis'd to profefs regard for me, but now I have 
 put him to the proof. 
 
 Mrs. Seymour (behind.) To the proof! 
 
 Lfady. He treats me like an enemy. (Mrs. Sey- 
 mour advances.) My mother! oh! thank you 
 for reftoring your protection to me thank you 
 for the happieft night I have pafs'd fmce I left 
 you and yet there is one thing I'm juft come 
 from Mr. Orville, and he has us'd me moft un- 
 kindly. 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. Indeed ! 
 
 Lady. You us'd to praife him, mother, and wifli 
 me to return his love. 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. I did~:my weaknefs is no apology 
 for yours. 
 
 Lady. No but I thought by reminding of former 
 days by faying that on your account I would try 
 to regard him. 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. Juliana, you'll break my heart 
 
 after
 
 FORTUNE'S FOOL. 6t 
 
 after the ftruggles we have both encountered, I 
 did expect we mould part no more. 
 
 Lady. And mall we mother ? 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. What can I do ? I could forgive 
 you any thing, for life is agony without you buc 
 your hufband how fhall I tell Sir Charles ? 
 
 Lady. Tell him ! what ? 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. Of your imprudence, your un- 
 feeling conduct. 
 
 Lady. What conduct? 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. Have you not been alone at Or- 
 yilk's houfe ? confefs'd 
 
 Lady. Were you not my mother, I would not 
 condefcend to anfwer you yes madam j tell Sit 
 Charles, at the rifk of being infulted, I went alone 
 to Mr. Orville's tell him I entreated, knelt, and 
 wept to him and if he aiks the motive for all 
 this, remind him of his own conduct laft night at 
 Mr. Ap-Hazard's, and tell him, that as you've ever 
 taught me one act of generofity deferves another, 
 your daughter fcorn'd to be ungrateful or out- 
 done ! there, madam read that paper. 
 
 Mrs. Seymour (reading the paper.) <c Receiv'd of 
 Lady Danvers, jewels to the value of five hundred 
 pounds , in confideration of which, I promife not 
 to take legal meafures againft Sir Charles Danvers 
 for one month from this day. Henry Orville." 
 My child ! my child ! (embracing her) was this the 
 motive ? 
 
 Lady. I had no more to offer, but if my life 
 would fave him from a prifon, I'd lay it down with 
 pleafure. 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. Exalted girl ! and does he know 
 your friendfhip ? 
 
 Lady. He does, and will fopn call to take leav 
 of me he is going abroad, and I hope M*. Or- 
 
 Vilk
 
 62 FORTUNE'S FOOL. 
 
 ville will have no right to complain, fince by his 
 exertions in another country, he will be more able 
 to pay the debt, than by his being impriibn'd in 
 this will you fee him mother ? won't you part 
 friends with him ? confider, one kind word will 
 cheer him in his folitude, and 'tis the laft time 
 he'll ever intrude upon you. 
 
 Enter Sir CHARLES DANVERS. 
 
 . Sir Charles. Juliana, the carriage is now waiting 
 that conveys me perhaps for ever from you Mrs. 
 Seymour here ! i beg pardon. 
 -, Mrs. Seymour. Sir Charles, where are you going? 
 
 Sir Charles. Abroad, madam that Lady has let 
 me a bright example, and. the hope that I may one 
 day repay her generofity, drives me to another 
 country ; where, by induftry and oeconomy, I may 
 fo adjuft my affairs as to return to this country with 
 wealth and honour. Farewell. 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. Stay, Sir Charles, my daughter 
 has, indeed, fet a bright example ! an example, 
 which not only you, but her mother may be proud 
 to imitate ! I parted your hands the leaft amends 
 I can make is to join them, and if I've not the 
 pow'r, I'll prove I have the wifh to ferve you- 
 I'll apply to your uncle exert myfelf every way 
 in your intereft, and, in atonement for my pall un- 
 kindnefs, I'll henceforth know no happinefs, but 
 in promoting yours. 
 
 Lady. Will you ? can you ? we fhall not then 
 be parted. 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. Never I'll go inftantly to your 
 uncle, and fince Mifs Union and Mr. Ap-Hazard 
 no longer engrofs his attention--ha ! here's my fon 
 and Mr. Orvilie ! you had better not be feen, Sir 
 
 Charles ;
 
 FORTUNE'S FOOL. 63 
 
 Charles ; ftep into the next room ; we'll foon 
 return and bring you welcome news. ( Sir Charles 
 txit.) 
 
 Enter ORVILLE and TOM SEYMOUR. 
 
 Tom. Mum ! he's gone into dock, I fee. 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. Mr. Orville, I'm this moment 
 going to Sir Charles's uncle, and if you'll wait here 
 till I return, all may be inftantly adjufted Come, 
 Juliana if I mould fail, we'll join him in retire- 
 ment, and all that I pofiefs mall be devoted to my 
 children's welfare. [Exit with Lady Danvers, 
 
 'Tom. She fettle Sir Charles's affairs! why. 
 thefe women chop about like weather-cocks ; but 
 I'm fteady j firm as my own mainmaft ! 
 
 Orville. He has broke his agreement, and I'll 
 break mine if I once get him under lock and 
 key, Lady Danvers may be mine at laft. Sir 
 Charles, (opens door} nay; we have feen you, 
 fir. (Sir Charles enters} Come, fir, pay me the whole 
 debt, or the bailiff" below flairs 
 
 Sir Charles. You can't be ungenerous ; Mrs. 
 Seymour is now gone to my uncle. 
 
 Tom. Pooh ! he's ftill fteer'd by Mifs Union ; fo 
 call Up the bailiff. 
 
 Sir Charles. How ! are you againft me ? the 
 brother of Lady Danvers ! 
 
 Tom. 'Tis on her Recount I am againft yon, fir ,- 
 fmce you put to fea with Juliana, I and the Sprightly 
 Kitty hav'nt fail'dten leagues together; therefore, 
 put him under hatches, Orville; then one may 
 rim or fight, or go on a voyage of difcoveries, as 
 it fuits. 
 
 Sir Charles. Hear me .a moment, not on my 
 
 own.
 
 64 FORTUNE'S Foot/. 
 
 own, but her account I ipeak ; we lately united 
 again, and it* our next meeting is to be in a priibn 
 Orville. United again ! don't believe it; Mr, 
 Seymour > without there 
 
 Enter AP-HAZARD. 
 
 dp-Hazard. Oh ! have I found you, Mr. Or- 
 yille hah ! take your ground. 
 
 Orville. Blockhead ! are you eome to gee into a 
 new ferape. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. I get into a fcrape ! pheu ! ray luck 
 has turn'd will you fight? (to Orvil/e^or will 
 you ? (to Tom} -or you ? (fo Sir Charles) no, I 
 know you will, fo we'll make hands ; laft night it 
 was my defliny to have no courage ; now it is my 
 good fortune to have an overflow ; therefore dif- 
 patch, there's yourfecond, here's mine, as I thought: 
 you're a fhy-cock. 
 
 Tom. Why, father, you're a different man. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. I'm not -, I'm the fame man with 
 different fortune ; do you luppofe Alexander was'nt 
 fometimes a fhy-cock ? yes, he had his nervous 
 days, and I have had mine, hav'nt I, Sir Charles ? 
 but now, fight me, do ; pray fome of you fight 
 me j here, I'll give any man ten guineas that will 
 fight me I 
 
 Orville. You interrupt us, fir -, where are thefe 
 bailiffs ? 
 
 Ap-liazard. Bailiffs ! oh 1 damme, they'll fight 
 me. 
 
 Orville {at ft age door.) Come up flairs, and ar- 
 reft Sir Charles. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Arreft Sir Charles. 
 
 Orville. Ay, Sir Charles Danvers, fir j have you* 
 any objection.
 
 's FOOL* d$ 
 
 Ap-l-Uzard. To be (lire I have wheat's to 
 
 pay? 
 
 Orville. Pay !-^-ten thoufand pounds. 
 
 Ap-Hazdrd, Is that all ? only ten thoufand !^ 
 pfha ! when a man's in luck, thoufands are units 
 I'll pay it. 
 
 Orville. You !^-ha !*-ha ! how ? 
 
 Tom. Ay ; how ? in paper or gold ? 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Neither in lead ! (prefents piftoh) 
 by mooting off the five fingers of the firft hand that 
 offers to touch hinv* lay hold of my arm, brother 
 hero when I had bad luck, I made the bad mare 
 it, now I have good^ the unfortunate fhall partake 
 of it ; and there's fuch a charm about me at this 
 moment, that only touch me, and you'll be invi- 
 fible to all bailiffs, bullies, and black-legs. I be- 
 hav'd ill to your wife, and you fought me * 
 
 Tom. Mefs ! how's that P^did he fight for his 
 Wife ? 
 
 Af -Hazard. He did , and I fought for her too- 
 fo here's a pair of us -keep off* 
 
 Tom (ftanding before the ft age doof.) No* yotf. 
 don't you Ihan't quit the room. 
 
 Orville (/landing by Tom.) No-^-that you man't 
 * ftiall they, my friend ? 
 
 Tom. No for you mall my frierid (to Orville) 
 * look ye, fir; in my mother's abfence, I arri 
 mafter of this houfe, and while I thought Sir Charles 
 %as no friend to my fifter, I was none to him; but 
 pow I find I've been on a wrong tack, I'll ftick to 
 him, as long as the Thames flowsj and I'm Lord 
 High Admiral of it ! fo d'ye hear cut brulh 
 feud fet fail- mire off, or 
 
 Orville. Sir, I (hall perfirh 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Perfift! -Oh! he pufhes his bad
 
 66 FORTUNE'S FOOL. 
 
 luck, does he ? here (putting money in his hand, 
 ond faulting it.) odd or even for a hundred. 
 
 c Tcm. I tell you what if you don't weigh anchor 
 this moment, I'll force you and your Bailiffs into 
 my long boat heave you to leeward of the 
 Sprightly Kittyj and open a broadfide upon you, 
 that fhall blow you all from Chelfea to the Red 
 Sea. 
 
 Orville. Very well, fir, you fliall hear from 
 me depend on't-*-- for you, Sir Charles, you are 
 my prilbner to a certainty to-morrow morning Sir 
 Bamber marries Mifs Union, and (he'll take care 
 that neither you nor this booby fhall ever fee one 
 milling of his property ib, now your luck's 
 turn'd again. [Exit. 
 
 Sir Charles. How ! after the affair at Mr. Ap- 
 Hazard's, will my uncle marry Mifs Union ? 
 
 Tern. It's all owing to the Chaucerian Manu- 
 fcript to gain that he'll marry her, though it 
 were as certain me'll lleer him to Cuckold's Point, 
 as that Columbus fifh'd out America, and I won 
 the Vauxhall Cup She fwore me came to your 
 lodgings in fearch of Juliana, and as to the affig- 
 nation, me threatens to have you hang'd for 
 forging it. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. 1 forge it ! here it is read (gives 
 them the letter). 
 
 Tom. Why this is in blackletter ! pooh ! this 
 is more like my old boatfwain's hand, than Mifs 
 Union's. 
 
 Sir Charles. That's her ufual trick me writes in 
 a difguis'd hand to avoid detection 'sdeath ! is 
 there no way to put a flop to this marriage ? 'twill 
 doom me to perpetual imprifonment, involve Mrs. 
 Seymour, and break the heart of Juliana. 
 
 "Tern. There is no wa I'll bet ten to one
 
 FORTUNE'S Foot. 67 
 
 Af -Hazard. I'll take any odds on any event, to 
 any amount in fifties, hundreds, thoufands, mil- 
 lions ! 
 
 Sir Charles. You'll lofe, I'll rifk my life, fir. 
 
 Ap Hazard. Will you rifk your money, fir ! 
 will you lay the long odds ! 'twill be a noble 
 hedge for you, and if each of you will bet me a 
 hundred to ten 
 
 Tom. I'll bet you a hundred to ten, you don't 
 upfet the marriage. 
 
 Sir Charles. So will I. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Done ! done ! now then it's fettled 
 Bam lofes his wife, and I win the long odds. 
 Farewell ! follow me to old Blackletter's, and 
 I'll ihew you what's to pay, my boys ! [Exit. 
 
 Tom. Brother, I hope you'll forgive me I'm 
 forry I took part with that villain, for tho' not a 
 lalt-water failor, I wifh to be as like one as I can 
 I make voyages and fleep in a hammock like a 
 failor, I drink grog and chew tobacco, though I 
 hate it, like a failor ; I make love, tho' I'm not 
 overfond of that, like a failor j I fing, dance, and 
 fpend my money foolifhly, like a failor; and after 
 copying them in all thefe things, mall I do a dif- 
 honourable action ? No, dam 'me, that wou'd 
 not be like a failor. [ Exit with Sir Charles. 
 
 SCENE. A Rom y at SIR BAMBER'S. 
 
 Enter SIR BAMBER and Miss UNION, followed by 
 a SERVANT with a Jmall green box. Sti" Bamber 
 is trying to lay hold of the box, Mifs Union pre- 
 venting: him. 
 
 Sir Bambr. Do I behold thee ? does that an- 
 gelic little box contain my Trickarinda? 
 
 Fa Mifs
 
 68 IORTCNE'S FOOL. 
 
 Mifs Union. Fie ! don't be fo impatient, Sir 
 
 Bamber. >( Servant puts it on a table, and exit.) 
 
 gently before we open it, let me remind you of 
 the terms the only terms, on which you are to 
 become matter of this immortal manufcript firft 
 you are to fign an agreement 
 
 Sir Bamber I know it : I am to marry you to- 
 morrow, and fettle on you half my eftate now d6 
 let me have a peep I wonder how fhe's drefs'd 
 in black leather and gold facings ! or in fheets> 
 perhaps 
 
 kt Mifs Union. Secondly, you are to bind yourfelf 
 not to pay Sir Charles's debts thirdly, not tcx 
 give your godfon (Sir B. tries to open the trunk.) 
 nay : you would'nt look at the manufcript be- 
 fore the fettlement's fign'd confider the lawyer is 
 in the next room 
 
 Sir Bamber. Oh ! if you wait for lawyers it's all 
 over with me I lhall die expire in all the agonies 
 of an expecting lover do pray let me 
 
 Mifs Union. Well ! to fave your life and I've 
 no reafon for diftrufting you here (opening trunk 
 and taking out M.S. in a black binding) here is the 
 Chaucerian Manufcript, found at Union Caftle, 
 in Cumberland. 
 
 Sir Bamber. Never mind where it was found 
 I've got it Oh ! how the touch thrills me ? now 
 for the title page. (reads) " Trickarinda A 
 " Poem, full of witty and conceited mirth, written 
 <f by Geoffery Chaucer." That's it that's the 
 true oHyle " witty and conceited mirth 1" 
 
 Enter SAMUEL. 
 
 Samuel. Lady Danvers and Mrs. Seymour arc 
 coming up ftairs. 
 
 3
 
 FORTUNE'S FOOL. 69 
 
 Mifs Union. Coming up flairs! here's effron- 
 tery ! they want to break of the marriage to 
 perfuade him to pay Sir Charles's debts Sir 
 Bamber, as you're bufy, mall I give them your 
 anfwer. 
 
 Sir Bamber. Do- fay what you likenow for 
 the contents. 
 
 Mifs Union. And now for my triumph though 
 I could'nt bring about a match for Mrs. Seymour^ 
 (he mail fee I can make one for myfelf- mew me 
 to them, fir. [Exit with Samuel. 
 
 Sir Bamber. (Sitting at the tfable). Now for it 
 (reads)~~ " On yon green bank where Tricka- 
 rinda fleeps." There's a fubjecl for a painter 
 I'll have fuch a picture gallery fuch an exhibi- 
 tion I'll begin adyertifing artd puffing this very 
 night (fits reading). 
 
 Enter AP--HAZARD. 
 
 4f -Hazard. Don't tell me I will fpeak to him 
 how my luck is turn'd ! rcomjng here I faw a 
 woman {landing in the pillory a female faro 
 banker, who had cheated me out of thirty gui- 
 neas there was luck. Then I cajl'd in at Weft- 
 minfter to hear a great debate that was over before 
 I came there was luck !~-^So Bam.-***! fought at 
 lafl you hear. (Sits by him). 
 
 fir Bamber (not regarding him), (( The wind 
 " laughs round her, and the water weeps !" 
 The water weeps there's an original thought U 
 What modern author would have hit on fuch a fym- 
 pathetic-T fuch< what brought you here, fir f 
 
 Ap-Hazard f The long odds.r-r-I've taken two 
 
 hundred pounds to twenty but I break off your 
 
 match wich Mifs Union now as I know the ma- 
 
 F 3 nufcript
 
 7O FORTUNE S FOOL. 
 
 nufcript is your object, I'll mew you how to get it, 
 without having a wife for the appendix !-rr-hark'ye 
 to fave your head r-rifk your neck^r fteal it. 
 
 Sir Bamber. Steal it ! 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Ay : it's all in the way of your 
 profefTion now a-days all authors are thieves, 
 and if you're detected 'twill be only call'd a plagi- 
 arifm you know io put it in your pocket go with 
 me to Sir Charles pay all his debts, and buy me 
 a lottery ticket only buy me a lottery ticket, and 
 it's the thirty thoufand to a certainty. 
 
 Sir Bamber. Why what is all this ! leave the 
 room, fir begone direftly, or I'll order the 
 fervants to throw you out of window. 
 
 Ap -Hazard. Blefs you ! -I'm in fuch a train of 
 Juck that if you were to chuck me from the top of 
 Weftminfter Abbey I mould only light on the 
 Treafury and walk off with my pockets full.* But 
 fince you perfift in marrying Mils Union, I'll fhew 
 you another manufcripc look here here's the 
 letter that brought her to my lodgings. 
 
 Sir Bamber. Letter of Mifs Union's ! 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Ay, read Bam -read that aflig- 
 nation. 
 
 Sir Bamber. Aflignation ! Oh dear ! me con- 
 vinc'd me that me went to your lodgings in fearch 
 of Lady Danvers. (reads letter) " Mifs Union 
 requefts the company of Mr. Ap-Hazard" I'm 
 eafy I'mfatisfied {he's innocent, and you'll be 
 hang'd for forgery, firrah. 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Forgery ! 
 
 Sir Bamber. It's not her writing it's more like 
 my grandmother's hand than Mifs Union's I'll 
 
 fend for a peace officer I'll no I won't 
 
 I'll go on with the Poem. (Returns to Table and 
 reads.) 
 
 5 fa
 
 FORTUNE S FOOL. Jl 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Fortune's at work again I fhall 
 lofe the long odds after all now my dear god- 
 father, pray think of Sir Charles pray think of 
 his poor wile and, above all, pray think of the 
 balcony 
 
 Sir Bamber (reading) 
 
 " And lo ! a monk all hallow 'd from the cloyfter, 
 f* Grey as the morn, and white as any oyfter." 
 
 There again ! white as any oyfter what a melting 
 thought I'm fo tranfported (here a leaf falls out 
 of manuscript. ) 
 
 Ap-Hazard. (picking it up) Give me leave, Sir 
 Bajnbei> I'll do any thing if you'll only take pity 
 on your nephew, and (looks at the leaf then at the 
 letter, and compares them together) it is ! no ! yes ! 
 ha! ha! ha! (laughing loudly .) 
 
 Sir Bam&er. Why, what's the matter ? what's 
 the fool laughing at ? -< : . t -' 
 
 Ap-Hazard. You were right the letter is a for- 
 gery, and the beft of the joke is ha! ha! "I've 
 found out who forg'd it. 
 Sir Bamber. Who ? 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Chaucer ! Geoffery Chaucer ! 
 if he pen'd that Poem, he pen'd this letter, for, 
 damme, but they.'re both written by one and the 
 fame perfon i look every fyllable -every letter 
 is in the fame hand. 
 
 Sir Bamber. How ? in the fame hand ! (compares) 
 So they are the P.'s. Q/s. O.'s. they're all the 
 fame why, what does this mean ? 
 
 Ap-Hazard. Mean ! that you're impos'd on ei- 
 ther by Chaucer or Mifs Union ; and I think its 
 likely, that a live woman fhould forge 
 
 Trickarinda,
 
 71 FORTUNE S FOOL, 
 
 Trickarinda, than taat a dead man mould fend me 
 a love-letter ! 
 
 Sir Banker. I fee it all I'm bamboozl'd 
 Trickarinda's a trick. 
 
 Ap-Haxard. And Mifs Union is 
 
 SirBimber. An impoftor a juggler worfe than 
 the bottle-conjuror fhe's loft my eflate. 
 
 sip-Hazard. And I've won the long odds Oh 
 luck I luck ! luck's every thing. 
 
 ifs UNION, Mrs. SEYMOUR, and Lady 
 DANVERS. 
 
 Union. Well, ladies! if you infift on feeing 
 Sir Bamber, I can't prevent it So you really be- 
 lieve that we're not going to be married. 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. Why, after what has pad, ma- 
 dam 
 
 Mifs Union. Very well then be fatisfied-^-with 
 your own eyes, behold him fign an agreement that 
 gives me his hand, and ruins Sir Charles Danvers 
 forever here, my life (to Sir B.) here is the let- 
 tlement. 
 
 Sir Bamber. Indeed ! 
 
 Mifs Union. Yes ; my chuck ! it only wants 
 your hand to finifli it pray obferve, ladies. 
 
 Sir Bamber. Ay, pray obferve ladies fee how 
 my chuck's hand will finifli it l-^ thus I put an end 
 to it, (tearing Jettlement) thus I deflroy one moft 
 nefarious manufcript. 
 
 yip-Hazard. And here goes another* here goes 
 Trickarinda (tearing Trickarinda.) 
 
 Sir Bamber. You're found out, madam you and 
 old Chaucer write the fame hand, do you ? (Mifs 
 .Union holds down her bead) Ay ; ay ; you overihot 
 the mark there fjj now ft you may go fleep j 
 
 " while
 
 FORTUNES FOOL. 73 
 
 while winds laugh round you, and the waters 
 weep !" 
 
 Enter TOM SEYMOUR and Sir CHARLES DANVEAS. 
 
 Tern. Bear a hand I tell you the moment fuch 
 a ftout veflel comes in fight, I know the old fhip 
 will ftrike Sir Bambcr, I've brought him here to 
 engage with you. 
 
 Sir Bamber. You've done right ; and I ftrike my 
 colours my boy Charles, I'll pay your debts 
 I'll fettle a third of my cftate on you and Juliana 
 and here, Mr. Hinx Spinx {to dp-Hazard) that 
 Fortune may no longer make a fool of you, I'll 
 make you a recompence for winning the long odds 
 as you call it I'll give you a handfome annuity 
 during my life, and double it after my death. 
 
 dp-Hazard. An annuity ! give me an annuity 
 flamme, what's to pay ? 
 
 Tom. I fay, Mifs Braflmine here's a divorce in 
 reality. 
 
 Mifs Union. Don't talk to me, fir. 
 
 Vom. Mefs ! had'nt you and the proctor better 
 take a voyage together ? I'll lend you the Sprightly 
 Kitty me has a nice little balcony, and if you think 
 you mall be tir'd of each other, take me to ftcer 
 
 Cj that's all I'll upfet a veflel with any man in 
 ndon. 
 
 Lady Danvers. Mifs Union, don't you fee Mr. 
 Orville beckoning to you ? 
 
 Mifs Union. I do, and I'll go make him join 
 with all the lovers in my lift to fee juftice done 
 me don't think I'm forry, Sir Charles, that you 
 and your dear Juliana have made it up again ? 
 No I know what marriage is } and the more 
 
 matches
 
 74 FORTUNE S FOOL. 
 
 matches there are amongft you, the more Oh ! 
 
 I wlfh you were all married. [Exit. 
 
 Sir Bamber. Holloa! had'nt you better take 
 Trickarinda along with you? (throws the binding 
 after her.) 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. Juliana, this is a happy hour 
 my fon, let me congratulate you : you too, Mr. 
 Ap- Hazard the reward you have receiv'd, is no 
 more than your merit deferves. 
 
 Ay-Hazard. Merit ! its luck ma'am. 
 
 Mrs. Seymour. No, fir, much as we are rul'd by 
 chance, we are govern'd more by conduct. 
 
 dp-Hazard. Indeed! and muft we ftand upon 
 our merit ? Not altogether, I hope. " Ufe every 
 man after his defert, and who mall 'fcape whip- 
 ping ?" The lefs we deferve, the more merit is in 
 your bounty. I'm in high favour with Fortune at 
 prefent, but 
 
 Leaft this propitious chance be but ideal, 
 I wifh our friends around would prove it real ! 
 Shew by your fmiles a kind reward is nigh ; 
 Cal ime not Fool, and Fortune I defy. 
 
 END OF THE COMEDY.
 
 EPILOGUE, 
 
 WRITTEN BY M. P. ANDREWS, 
 SPOKEN BY MRS. M4TTOCKS. 
 
 (A Chair, Table, and Lady's Work-lag.) 
 
 'LJ'NCE more I come, your favouring fmile to catch, 
 
 Myfelf I offer now fay, is't a match ? 
 
 No partial flame I feel, for great or fmall ; 
 
 I love you roundly and will take you all: 
 
 Perhaps you think me bold, to court the men, 
 
 If fo, I do but copy nine in ten ; 
 
 Like high-dreft mifles, to attract the beaux, 
 
 Each grace of Art, and Nature too expofe ; 
 
 Yet, as I only trufl to mental charms, 
 
 And bare no elbows, bofom, knee, or arms; 
 
 My franknefs, I without a blufli may boaft, 
 
 You can but fay, that I'm bare-faced at moft. 
 
 But hold, true woman, fond of felfifh prattle, 
 I fight my own, but not our Author's battle; 
 He, trembling Dramatift, of Notoriety, 
 To Speculation fears to add fatiety ; 
 Oft he has tried your patience heretofore ; 
 Shall he not try it now a little more? 
 Of that, and of your kindnefs, nothing loth, 
 He gives you ample room to pradlife both : 
 Sweet Patience! long they exercife thy pow'rs, 
 In other houfes, full as much as ours : 
 See anxious Trepidation, how it flumes, 
 The virgin member, with his maiden blulhes ! 
 He takes his feat (Jits down in chair) and all his troubles paft, 
 The long expe&ed moment comes at laft ; 
 He rifes (gets up) twirls his hat, hems, ftrokes his chin, 
 Probes his cravat, and ventures to begin 
 
 " Sir, I am fenfible" fome titter near him 
 " I fay, I'm very fenfible" all, " hear him, hear him" 
 He bolder grown, for praife, miftaking pother, 
 Tea-pots one arm, and fpouts it with the other . 
 
 Once
 
 EPILOGUE. 
 
 " Once more, I'm very fenfible indeed 
 
 " That tho' we mould want words, we muft proceed 
 
 " And for the firft time in my life, I think 
 
 ' I think *that no great Orator mould fhrink 
 
 " And therefore, Mr. Speaker, I, for one, 
 
 " Will fpeak oiit freely, Sir, and fo I've done." 
 
 Peace to his eloquence -to banifh that, 
 
 Suppofe we have a little female chat. 
 Vulgar Mi/s Bull, and Lady Scrag Lopfidle, 
 Whene'er they meet, their tongues are never idle : 
 
 Mifs Bull begins 
 
 " Lauk, what a bonnet ! why, it looks quite fctfrvy, 
 Its like a coal-lkuttle turn'd topfy-turvy ;" 
 
 " Its like fome heads then, Mifs all fmoke and fmother * 
 *' So one good turn you fee, deferves another ; 
 " But your ftrait-forward tafte, who can refift ?" 
 
 Some tafte, my Lady, fcems to have a twift ; 
 " If women will forget that they grow older, 
 " And wear like children, (traps acrofs the flioulder ; 
 * Why not like children, give them playful fmacks, 
 And let the ftraps be laid acrofs their backs." 
 
 " Mifs, you're fevere [fondly hug '- 
 
 ' But here's my comfort (goes ana takes wort-bag} this I'll 
 ' Your favourite work?" " No, Mifs, my favourite Pug 
 ' This is its kennel (takes dog out of work-bag] oh, the pretty 
 < How neat and elegant in every feature ! [creature * 
 
 f* It drinks noyau, and dines upon boil'd chicken, 
 " But ragou'd fweetbread, is it's favourite picking 
 * Left the hot fun mould tan the charming fellow, 
 When it walks out, I carry this umbrella ; 
 '< But when cold frofty weather comes to nip it, 
 " It wears a little fpencer, and a tippet-* 
 ff Come, Pug to bed Lord who could think it dear, 
 " To pay five millings for thee, every year ! 
 
 Her La'amip's kindnefs muft be praifed, which brings 
 Such ufeful leflbns from fuch ufelefs things ; 
 And Folly never can be out of date, 
 While puppies may grow up to help'the ftate - 
 
 If here, this night, Good-nature fmiling rules*. 
 We. mall be Fortune's Favourites, not her Fools,
 
 FIRS? L O T E: 
 
 A 
 
 COMEDY. 
 
 PERFORMED 
 
 3t t&e C&eatre * Eopal, Drutp*Lawe. 
 
 
 
 BY RICHARD CUMBERLAND, ESQ. 
 
 5 - ' 
 
 Manet alia mente repoflum, 
 THE THIRD EDITION. 
 
 LONDON: 
 PRINTED FOR C. DILLY, IN THE POULTRY. 
 
 M.DCC.XCVI. 
 
 [Price TWO SHILLINGS.]
 
 * 
 
 

 
 PROLOGUE- 
 
 Spoken by Mr. Palmer* 
 
 IN every rank of life the friends of love, 
 (From Goddefles below to Gods above) 
 We claim you for our patrons, and prefer 
 Our fuit to thofe, whofe judgment cannot err j 
 For you have hearts, and we make no appeal 
 But to the teil of what thofe hearts fhall feel. 
 
 If Nature quits us, every hope is fled, 
 For we have nought to tender in her ftead, 
 No pageant to exhauft the Treafurer's chefr, 
 Or rob the Painter of his natural reft : 
 Failing to pleafe, we aim not to furprife ; ^ 
 Palling your ears, we cannot feaft your eyes. 
 
 But we believe you never will fubmit 
 To naturalize thefe fubftitutes for wit, 
 Therefore it is our author keeps the ftage 
 With all the pertinacity of age; 
 Not in defiance of the Public will, 
 But in the hope that you'll fupport him ftill j 
 Not in exclufion of another's name, 
 For dear to him is every brother's fame, 
 But to mow genius of a ftronger growth, 
 Which elfe might fink to indolence and floth, 
 That feeble plants, when nourifh'd by your carej 
 Ev'n in the winter of their age will bear. 
 
 If, ere the hour fhall come that lays to reft 
 All hopes and fears within the human breaft, 
 Once more your Poet ventures to convene 
 His Mufe's Patrons to the moral fcene, 
 'Tis in the hope that for your favors paft '< 
 He may yet make fome fmaU return at lafh 
 Here, if he fails, and fhou'd this night's event 
 Prove that your favors and his fires are fpent, 
 What on the part of candor fhall be faid, . 
 But that his heart was ftouter than his head ? 
 But that, advancing to a frefh attack, 
 He .dropr, and " died -with Jtarnefs on his back ? "
 
 Dramatis Perfonae. 
 
 LORD SENSITIVE - - - MR. WROUGHTO*, 
 SIR MILES MOWBRAY - - MR. KING. 
 FREDERICK MOWBRAY - MR. PALMER. 
 DAVID, his Brother - - - - MR. BANNISTER, Jun, 
 MR. WRANGLE - - - - MR. BENSON. 
 BILLY BUSTLER - - - MR. SUETT. 
 ROBIN, Servant to Sir Miles - MR. HOLLINGSWORTH* 
 Servant to Lady Ruby - - - MR. TRUE MAN. 
 Servant to Mr. Wrangle - - MR. WEBB. 
 
 SABINA ROSNY - - - - Mas. JORDAN. 
 
 LADY RUBY ------ Miss FARREN. 
 
 Mrs. WRANGLE - ... Miss POPE. 
 Mrs. KATE ----- Miss TIDSWELL. 
 
 Waiting- Woman to Lady Ruby- Miss HEARD. 
 
 FIRS?
 
 FIRST LOPE 
 
 A 
 
 COMEDY. 
 
 ****** -H- >H- * * * 
 
 ACT I* 
 
 SCENE I. The Street. 
 
 ( FREDERICK MOWBRAY, followed by DAVID. ) 
 DAVID. 
 
 WELL! I cou'dalmoft fwear yet I won't 
 be fure. I wifh he would look back once 
 again. Yes it is, by St. George, it is my dear bro- 
 ther Frederick. Ah ! my fweet fellow, welcome 
 to England ! Don't you remember little David ? 
 
 Fred. David ! may I believe my eyes ? 'Tis 
 he, fure enough. Come to my arms, my brave 
 lad ! Why you are aher'd out of knowledge, and 
 in the navy-uniform That's right, my boy, there 
 you're in your proper line. 
 
 David. Aye, aye, Sir ! But we'll talk of that 
 by-and-by. How are you in the fTrft place ? 
 How fares it with you, my hearty ? where are you 
 come'from ? what fort of a cruize have you had 
 in t*other country"? Have you fallen in with* 
 father ? 
 
 A Fred.
 
 2 FIRST LOVE, r' 
 
 Fred. No, nor do I wifli him to kaaw of 
 my arrival as yet. 
 
 David. Be it fo, be it fo ! Mum's the word for 
 that. Are you come home full or empty ? Egad, 
 you'll find father cling plaguily by the claws, 
 damn'd clofe MI the lockers : if you are bare of 
 the ready, IVe plenty. 
 
 Fred. Thank you, David, thank you heartily ; 
 but I can Ihift. Keep your money, my good lad. 
 
 David. Not that with your leave ; I know a 
 little better than fo, we may hope. But what 
 brings you home o' the fudden? 
 
 Fred. My father's peremptory commands. 
 
 David. Enough faid : then 'tis on account of 
 filter's wedding. 
 
 Fred. I believe not but I did not know till this 
 moment fhe was married. Tell me the particulars, 
 for 'tis interefting intelligence. 
 
 David. Why fhe's married, that's all I can tell 
 you j (he has got a mate of father's own chufing ; 
 fi> he thinks he has done a mighty feat, and rigg'd 
 ker out for a fair-weather voyage; but between you 
 and me, I fufpect there's foul wind in feather-bed 
 bay, and a kind of cat-and-dog harmony on board 
 between 'em ; that's my notion. 
 
 Fred. I can well believe it : She has not the beft 
 temper in the world. What is the gentleman's 
 name and condition ? 
 
 David. Wrangle is his name, and wrangling I 
 fufpeft to be his condition ; but I heartily diflike 
 the man, and therefore I wou'd not have you take 
 his character from me : fee him, and judge for 
 yourfelf. 
 g
 
 ACOMEDY. 3 
 
 Fred. There is one marriage in our family then 
 to begin with j and now I muft tell you, David, in. 
 confidence, that I do not believe it was on account 
 of this wedding my father call'd me home in fuch 
 hafte, but with a view to another. 
 
 David. Like enough, like enough ; that's your 
 look-out, thank Heaven, and not mine. 
 
 Fred. Bad luck for me, David, if it is as I fear; 
 but you know Sir Paul Ruby is now dead, and 
 my firft love is a widow, young, blooming, and 
 miftrefs of a mine of wealth: You can remember 
 Clara Middleton, how devotedly I was attach'd to 
 her, and how cruelly my father tore me from 
 her. 
 
 David. Do I remember it ? Yes, to be fure, and 
 in my mind never forgave old crufty for his hard- 
 heartednefs to this hour; but if that be his fport, 
 let him come on : By the Lord Harry, Fred, you'll 
 be a gay fellow if you can bring that prize into 
 harbour. 
 
 Fred. Hufh ! hufli ! that can never be. 
 
 David. Why you are in the right not to be too 
 fure, for all the world is after her ; but if fhe has 
 a hankering for you (till, you know 
 
 Fred. Heaven forbid ! 
 
 David. Well, well, I won't flatter you, brother, 
 you are a little gone off to be fure, rather the worfa 
 for wear, a fmall matter out of trim, but we can 
 foon put that to rights, if your timbers are but 
 {launch. 
 
 Fred. It is not there I fhou'd fail, let us hope ; 
 but if death was the alternative, I cou'd not give 
 my hand to Lady Ruby. 
 
 B 2 David.
 
 4 F I R S f L O V E: 
 
 David, I take you now ; you'll be no man's fe- 
 cond -, I fee how it is with you, firft oar or none at 
 all. Lord love you, what a whim is that ! 'Tis 
 no denial to a good Ihip becaufe another man has 
 commanded her. 
 
 "Fred. You are wide of the mark, friend David ; 
 it is not that I object to Lady Ruby as a widow, 
 for I dare fay me is ftiil beauaful as an angel. 
 
 David. That's more than I know, for I never 
 faw one ; but I'm fure me is as frefh and as fine as, 
 a daifey. 
 
 Fred. Why that is as lowly a fimilitude as you 
 can well find for her; but with all her charms, and 
 all her riches, and all the love me cou'd beftow 
 upon me, were it warm and flattering as in our 
 fondeft moments, the barrier between us wou'd be 
 infuperable : fate has difunited us for ever. 
 
 David. Then fate has play'd you a very foul 
 trick, let me tell you , for, fearch the world 
 through, you will no where find her fellow. 
 
 Fred. If I dare truft you with a fecret, I wou'd 
 put that to the trial j and yet I think you are too 
 good a fellow to tell tales. 
 
 David. Give me none to tell, and that's a fure 
 way to prevent it ; but I think you might venture 
 to truft me too. 
 
 Fred. This it is, and I'll make a fhort ftory of 
 it. 
 
 David. Do fo ! 
 
 Fred. I have brought a virtuous and lovely girl 
 with me into England 
 
 David. Indeed 1 
 
 Fred. Who has been the preferver of my fife, 
 ihe companion of my journey from Padua to this 
 
 place,
 
 A C O M E D Y. 5 
 
 place, and whom I have pledg'd myfelf to make 
 the partner of my fortune. 
 
 David. Your wife? 
 
 Fred. My wife : the word is pad, and I muft 
 keep it. 
 
 David. To be ftire you mufl; but I'm forryfor 
 it; there's no more to be faid. Death and fury! 
 What a torrent will you have about your ears! 
 Why, father will come down upon you like a water- 
 fpout. 
 
 Fred. I am now feeking out fome place where 
 ihe can be lodg'd and boarded with people of re- 
 putation, till I can arrange my affairs j but I have 
 been fo long out of England, that I am almoft as 
 much a ftranger in London as herfelf. Perhaps, 
 David, you can help me out. 
 
 David. Why that's what I'm thinking of: I 
 have a friend, a right one, as {launch an old cock 
 as ever crow'd, my navy agent, Billy Buftler by 
 name. I'm to dine with him to-day and he has 
 a fifter Kate by the fame token ; a good foul ! but 
 if your Mifs is'nt of the right fort, look you 
 
 Fred. Oh fie, fie ! Can you fuppofe any other- 
 wife? 
 
 David. Well, well! but a word in time, you 
 know for Kate's a pure maiden, you muft think, 
 with a good deal of the buckram about her. Lord ! 
 how I do fet her up fometimes. So, if you've 
 flow'd away all your courtfhip 3 d'ye fee, and got 
 your marriage tack fairly a-board, why upon thefe 
 terms I think I have intereft enough with Kate to 
 coax her into compliance. Now, what fay you ? 
 
 Fred. Let us about it directly ; for my lovely 
 charge is expecting me, and time is precious. 
 1 3
 
 6 FIRST LOPE: 
 
 David. Say no more, my bright fellow! As for 
 Billy, he's a fure card. Give me your arm, and 
 we'll be down upon him in a, whiff. [Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE II. A Chamber in Mr. WRANGLE'J Houft. 
 
 (Mr. and Mrs. WRANGLE.) 
 
 Mrs. W. Ah, my dear dear Mr. Wrangle, I have 
 been fighing for a fight of you this many a long 
 hour : Where in this world have you hidden your- 
 felf from the eyes of your fond doating wife ? 
 Come, come, my love, look kindly upon me: We, 
 that are fo happy in each other, fhcu'd always meet 
 with rapture. 
 
 Mr. W. Well, my dear Lyddy, and who is ib 
 rapturous as 1 ? Where is the hufband that fo doats 
 upon his wife? 
 
 Mrs. W. Don't fay fo, don't fay fo. Can you 
 lay your hand upon your heart, and fay you love 
 me to the full as well as ever you did ? 
 
 Mr. W. Better, better. 
 
 Mrs. W. No, you don't. 
 
 Mr. W. Yes, I do. 
 
 Mrs. W. I'll fwear you don't; I know to a 
 certainty your affection abates, whereas mine in- 
 creafes every hour : nay, it is fo excefiive, that I 
 am almoft afraid it grows troublefome to you. 
 
 Mr. W. Don't fear it; from my foul I believe 
 our fondnefs for each other is equal and alike: The 
 uninterrupted harmony of our nuptial ftate, and 
 the fidelity I have ever manifefted 
 
 Mrs. W. Well, and what has my fidelity been, 
 \ would afk? Notorious, unique, the talk of all the 
 $pwn, I am really fo pointed at in all companies 
 
 as
 
 A C O M E D Y. 7 
 
 AS a mere domeftic creature, that I am almoft 
 afham'd to ftiew my face in any fafhionable circle. 
 
 Mr. W. Never mind their fneering; your own 
 confcience can acquit you of deferving it. If I 
 were you, Mrs. Wrangle, I wou'd fometimes pafs 
 an evening at home, if it were only to fhew them 
 you defpite their fpleen. 
 
 Mrs.W. Sometimes, Mr. Wrangle! fometimes 
 pafs an evening at home! Where is the woman of 
 fafhion pafies fo many evenings at home as I do ? 
 
 Mr. W. The prefent won't be one of the num- 
 ber, if I may judge from yourdrefs. 
 
 Mrs. W. The prefent indeed! How can you ex- 
 peel: it ? Is'nt it opera night ? Wou'd you wifh to 
 deprive me of my only pleafure ? Is there any thing 
 in life I love fo well as an opera ? 
 
 Mr. W. Oh yes ! your hufband. 
 
 Mrs. W. Well, my hufband to be fure- my 
 hulband is before every pleafure, fo you need not 
 take me up fo quickly ; for you know, my dear, 
 you are all in all to me. 
 
 Mr. W. With the opera to help out. 
 
 Mrs. W. The opera indeed! You fhould be 
 afham'd to mention the opera, where I think, con- 
 fidering all things, I might exped to be indulg'd 
 with a box to myfelf, inftead of fcrubbing into the 
 pit, as I do at prefent; which, give me leave to 
 fay, few women of my pretenfions would put up 
 with. 
 
 Mr. W. Keep your temper, Mrs. Wrangle. 
 
 Mrs. W. And don't I keep my temper, Mr. 
 
 Wrangle ? Is'nt it the part of a friend to let you 
 
 know the whole town cries out upon you? that 
 
 B 4 you're
 
 8 F I R S ? L y E: 
 
 you're the public talk? your character fufrers by it 
 People know what a fortune I brought youj and 
 you know in your heart, my dear, that if you had a 
 little more of the gentleman in your fpirit 
 
 Mr. W* 'Sblood, Madam, if I had a great deal 
 lefs, you are enough to call it up. 
 
 Mrs, W. There, there! now you are going to 
 be in one of your tantarums. 
 
 Mr. W. Then why do you provoke me to it ? 
 
 Mrs. W. I provoke you ! I only tell you of 
 your faults, and you have not temper to hear of 
 them. 
 
 Mr. W. You are very fharp-fighted in fpying 
 out my faults, methinks, and at the fame time 
 either Ihut your eyes upon your own, or find them 
 too incurable to meddle with. 
 
 Mrs. W. I plead to no fault but the fault of keep- 
 ing terms with youj and that I'm refolv'd to cor- 
 rect out of hand : I'll put up with your ill humours 
 no longer; my father, my family, the whole town 
 mail know your treatment of me. I cou'd bear my 
 lot well enough if the world did but know I was, 
 not that happy wife they fuppofe me to be. 
 
 (SERVANT enters.) 
 
 Serv. Lady Ruby. [Exit. 
 
 Mr. W. Beft impart yoqr forrows to her then i 
 {he, you know, is your bofom friend. 
 
 (Lady RUBY enters.) 
 Mrs. W. My dear Lady Ruby. 
 Lady R. My dear Mrs. Wrangle. 
 Mr. W. Here's a tender greeting! An honeft 
 man would fuppofe thefe women had a regard for 
 each other ; nothing lefs at heart with either, (afide.) 
 
 Ladp
 
 ACOMEDY. 9 
 
 Lady R. Oh ! you incorrigible creature ! teie-a- 
 tete with your own wife. 
 
 Mr. W. I have the grace at lead of taking a 
 hint, when the friends of my wife wou'd difpenfe 
 with my company. [Exit. 
 
 Lady R. Did you ever fee the like ? Upon my 
 life, Lydia, you have fpoilt that good man of your's, 
 and made him as freakilh as a humour'd child : 
 There is not one in a thoufand of that filly fcx can 
 bear being petted. 
 
 Mrs. W. Never think about him ; he grows 
 quite intolerable. 
 
 Lady R. Blefs me ! I could not have believed 
 it. 
 
 Mrs. W. No, becaufe you will believe me what 
 J am not, never have been, nor ever (hall be happy 
 with that man: My temper is quick, his fallen; my 
 nature is open and fincere, his dark and jealous. 
 
 Lady R He jealous ! Mr. Wrangle jealous ! 
 
 Mrs. W. Oh ! extremely io. 
 
 Lady R. I cou'd not have believ'd it. 
 
 Mrs. IV. Now cannot 1 for the life of me com- 
 prehend why you could not have believ'd it; be- 
 caufe, tho' I am fufficiently guarded in my conduct, 
 efpecially before him, yer I fhou'd hope I am not 
 too vain when I fuppofe fome few attractions, fome 
 fmall pretenfions, may ftill be faid to belong to me- 
 tho' comparatively nothing with what your lady (hip 
 pofle fifes. 
 
 Lady R. Certainly, my dear Madam, you have 
 
 charms in full meafure ; and if you rather chufe to be 
 
 complimented upon them than your difcredon, your 
 
 Jiu/band mall be credited by me for all thejeaionfy 
 
 2 you
 
 lo FIRSrLOVE: 
 
 you think fit to afcribe to him, with as much or as 
 
 little canfe for it as you may be difpos'd to allow of. 
 
 Mrs. W. I believe there is no woman but vvou'd 
 be mortified if her hufband was to fay to her, "It 
 " is not in your power to make me jealous." 
 
 Lady R. I grant you, the power is defirable, 
 the exercife of it an experiment of fome danger : 
 'tis like a dormant title ; one wou'd not give it up, 
 tho' it may not fuit us to afiume it. 
 
 Mrs. W. A-propos to a title now your year of 
 widowhood is up, have you aflt'd a certain queftion 
 of that little heart of your's, and has the fly thing 
 ever been brought to confeflion about this fame 
 Lord Senfitive, who follows you up and down like 
 your Ihadow ? 
 
 Lady R. Oh yes I've talk'd with the fly thing, 
 as you call it, by the hour about him, and a very 
 edifying converfation it was, I allure you. 
 
 Mrs. f^. Aye, indeed ! as how ! 
 
 Lady R. Why, I took it roundly to tafk, for I 
 began to perceive it had got fome foolifh flutter- 
 ings, which you good wives know nothing of now 
 this I did not like, for, being as you fee a free wo- 
 man, I refolve to profit by paft forrows, and not 
 enflave myfelf any more. 
 
 Mrs. W. Humph ! that's a widow's refolution, 
 made without meaning, and broken without re- 
 morfe ; but for my part, as I don't believe you are 
 at all in love with him, I muft wonder what amufe- 
 nnent you can find in tormenting him. 
 
 Lady R. Law, child ! the man torments himfelf ; 
 he takes all trouble off my hands, and makes 
 me a bye-ftander in my own quarrels: He fees 
 things that never had exiftence, hears things that 
 
 were
 
 A C O M E D Y. it 
 
 were never faid, and feems to have a phantom ever 
 at his beck, like a conjuror's familiar, that whifpers 
 in his ear, and drives him upon extravagancies that 
 exceed all credibility. 
 
 ( SERVANT enters. ) 
 
 Serv. Lord Senfitive begs permifiion to pay his 
 refpects to you. 
 
 Lady R. Look you there now phantom again- 
 Better fend him away, for if he gets a haunt of your 
 houfe, he'll be under your couch, behind your bed- 
 curtains, not a corner, clofet, nor cupboard will be 
 free from him. 
 
 Mrs. W. Now I won't fend him away, for I 
 perceive fhe's jealous Provoking creature ! how 
 vexatioufly well dreft {he is ! (aftde.) Shew my 
 Lord Senfitive up. [Exit SERVANT* 
 
 (Lord SENSITIVE enters.) 
 
 Lord S. I have prefum'd upon the privilege of 
 an old acquaintance 
 
 Mrs, W. To come in fearch of a new one. I 
 am much beholden to Lady Ruby for the honor 
 of this vifit. 
 
 Lord S. Now that is quite cruel, Mrs. Wrangle ; 
 it really gives me pain ; but it is my misfortune to 
 have every attention of mine mifunderftcod. 
 
 Mrs. W. Wou'd your lordfhip be underftood 
 then to have no attention for any lady in this room 
 befides myfelf ? 
 
 Lord S. I wou'd be thought not to want more 
 temptations than one for vifiting Mrs. Wrangle : 
 but whatever interpretation you may pleafe to put 
 upon my attentions, I muft think myfelf highly 
 
 honor'ol
 
 12 F 1 R S 1* L V : 
 
 honor'd when they are regarded as an object either 
 
 by yourfelf or Lady Ruby. 
 
 Lady R. My Lord ! meaning me ? 
 
 LordS. Madam! 
 
 Lady R. I thought I heard my own name ; that 
 was all. 
 
 Lord S. And do I offend by pronouncing it ? If 
 fo, I fear I am guilty even in my fleep nay in my 
 prayers ; for I am apt to name you then. 
 
 Mrs, W. Now that's too much, by all that's 
 tender ! Heavens, what a Philander ! Such milk 
 and fugar fpeeches make me fick. (afide.) 
 
 Lord S. I am very unlucky, ladies, and perhaps 
 xmfeafonably intrude upon fome more interefting 
 bufinefs; Lady Ruby's thoughts at lead feem to be 
 otherwife engag'd than upon the prefent fubjefc. 
 
 Lady R. You are not quite out of your guefs ; 
 they were juft then upon a ramble. I think, my 
 lord, you was laft fummer in Italy 
 
 Lord S. In Italy ! Yes, yes, madam, I was in 
 Italy. 
 
 Lady R. Did you vifit Padua ? 
 
 Lord S. Padua ! No What do I fay ? Yes, I 
 have been at Padua. 
 * Lady R. Did you make any long flay there ? 
 
 LordS. Really I I have almoft forgot how 
 long I (laid. But pray, madam, why do you wifh 
 to know ? Have you any particular motive for en- 
 quiring how long I (laid at Padua, or what pafs'd 
 ivhilft I was there ? 
 
 Lady R. None, none at all j not the leaft curio 
 fity, be afiur'd. 
 
 Mrs. W. Don't believe, her, my lord ,* fhe has 
 
 a motive
 
 A COMEDY. 13 
 
 a motive for every thing, and never fpeaks without 
 forethovght. 
 
 Lady R. How can you fay fo ? Oh ! you fpite- 
 ful thing, what a perfecution have you drawn upon 
 me ! 
 
 Lord S. Indeed and indeed, Lady Ruby, you 
 have alarm'd me : I feel every thing that falls from 
 you, and am tremblingly alive to the- flighted whif- 
 per that may wo'.nd my reputation where I am 
 moil interefled to guard it. I entreat, if you 
 have heard any thing againft me, that you will 
 fuffer me to defend myfelf. 
 
 Mrs. W. No time like the prefent, therefore I'll 
 charitably leave you together which is a good-* 
 natur'd way of making you perfectly difagreeable 
 to each other. [Exif. 
 
 Lord S. It is now in your power, Lady Ruby, 
 to make this abrupt departure of Mrs. Wrangle's 
 the kindeft action of her life, and the happieft mo- 
 ment of mine 
 
 Lady R. My lord, I don't perfectly underfland 
 you. 
 
 Lord S. By permitting me to juftify my charac- 
 ter to your entire fatisfaction: I will fuppofe, 
 madam, you have heard that .1 had an idle attach- 
 ment at Padua. 
 
 Lady R, I did not hear it was idle. 
 
 Lord S. Admit it was a ferious one then, for ar- 
 gument's fake fuch fooleries, I fnould hope, do not 
 flick faft to a man's character, efpecially after the 
 object is lhaken off and forgotten. 
 
 Lady R. Perhaps that may be the word part of 
 the ftory, if the lady was not unworthy but I am 
 no inquifitor.
 
 14 FIR S ? L 7 E: 
 
 LordS. I'll not impeach the lady's reputation, 
 neither will I allow it to be faid 1 have deah difho- 
 nourably . with her in any fhape If any gentleman 
 dares to fix that afperfion upon me, I am ready 
 ''with my anfwer. 
 
 Lady R. I don't doubt it ; there's a certain ar- 
 gument that anfwers every thing. 
 
 Lcrd S. I guefs from whom your information is 
 deriv'd : Mr. Frederick Mowbray has been at Pa- 
 dua is there ftill perhaps 
 
 Lady R. Hold, my lord, I mud fet you right in 
 one particular j and I infift on your believing me, 
 when I declare to you, upon my honor, that Fre- 
 derick Mowbray is not my informer, neither does 
 my information come by any other channel from 
 him. 
 
 Lord S. May I afk the lady's name you fuppofc 
 me to have been attach 'd to ? 
 
 Lady R. Sabina Rofny of noble parents, who 
 had perilh'd under the axe in France ; an orphan 
 fugitive, young, beautiful, and friendlefs. 
 
 Lord S. I befriended her, I protected her. If 
 our beft deeds are to be perverted by detraction, and 
 then urg'd againft us as crimes, who is fafe ? 
 
 Lady R. Innocence. 
 
 Lord S. Well, madam, I hope that is my cafe. 
 
 Lady R. I hope it is and if it is, you'll treat 
 fuch ftories with contempt. 
 
 Lord S. And fo I do j but I am penetrated, cut 
 to the heart, confounded with with contrition 
 no, not that but with fhame and vexation, that 
 fuch ftories fhould be entertain 'd by you in any fe- 
 rious light. 
 
 L*dy
 
 A C O M E D Y. f 
 
 Lady R* Your agitation makes them ferious. 
 
 Lord S. My agitation is proportioned to the 
 to the agony it gives me to fay that I regard my- 
 felf as difmifs'd, difcarded, banilh'd from your fight 
 for ever. 
 
 Lady R. Guilty, upon my honour ! 
 
 (Mrs. WRANGLE enters.) 
 
 Mrs. W. Well, my dear lady, you have quar- 
 rel'd as I fuppos'd, and parted with high words: 
 and now if his lordfhip fhould fall to his prayers, I 
 Ihou'd doubt if it will be a bleffing he'll beftow 
 upon you. 
 
 (Lord SENSITIVE returns.) 
 
 Lord S. I ftep back once more, and for the I aft 
 rime. Confufion ! Mrs. Wrangle here ? [Exit* 
 
 Mrs. W. Shall I flop him ? 
 
 Lady R. No, I befeech you let him go. 
 
 Mrs. W. He is terribly agitated. 
 
 Lady R. Not a whit more than will do him 
 good* let us hope his fermentation will refine 
 him. 
 
 Mrs. W. Ah, my dear lady, I fee plainly how it 
 will be j you will marry that man ; pofitively you 
 will marry him. 
 
 Lady R. If you are pofitively right and infallible 
 in your predictions, it muft be fo j if I have any 
 thing to fay to it, I fhall beg leave to doubt But 
 time flies faft in your fociety, and I have been mak- 
 ing you a moft unconfcionable vifit. May I rcr 
 queft your fervant to order up my coach ?
 
 ifi F'fRStLor&i 
 
 Mrs. 7F. Muft I part from you ? Who waits ? 
 (Servant appears.) Order Lady Ruby's fcrvants. 
 
 Lady R. Well, good bye to you ! we fhal! 
 meet at the opera. 
 
 Mrs W. My dear dear friend, all happincfs at- 
 tend you ! 
 
 OF ACT I. 
 
 ACT
 
 A C O M E D Y. 17 
 
 *S*O^O<>O>O<xS<S<S*<5>4<>O 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 > t '',. / - 
 
 ( BILLY BUSTLER and Mrs. KATE.) 
 
 BILLY BUSTLER. 
 
 WELL, Kate! well, girl; now let us. hear 
 how it goes in the kitchen quarter It 
 comes a little mal-a-propos to be fure, for I'm 
 plaguy bufy ; but I know you like to fet out a din- 
 ner, fo give us your bill o* fare. 
 
 Kate. Why, you know, Billy, this is Michael- 
 mas-day. 
 
 Billy B. Yes, yes, I know that faft enough : I 
 hope you have a goofe. 
 
 Kate. Law ! brother ! how you fnap one up to 
 be fure there is a goofe. 
 
 Billy B. At firft courfe I hope bottom difh. 
 
 Kate. No, the goofe is at top. 
 
 Billy B. I tell you no, my goofe fhall be at bot- 
 tom, t 
 
 Kate. Why then yoji muft have two goofes, for 
 no one (hall cut it up but myfelf. There's a boil'd 
 leg of corn'd pork for your carving ; I hope you 
 call that a bottom difh with a peafe-pudding on 
 one fide, and a bowl of apple-fauce on the other. 
 
 Billy B. I'll tell you what, Kate, I can't give up 
 the goofe ; I love to have him under my own nofe, 
 fmoking with fage and onions Oh ! he's a favoury 
 fellow can't give him up, Kate , can't, upon my 
 foul. 
 
 c Kate*
 
 18 FIRSfLOrE: 
 
 Kate. Then you muft give up me, for I won't fit 
 at table on any other terms. Yo indeed to difpute 
 with me about tops and bottoms ! with me, who 
 cou'd have fet out feven and eleven before you was 
 man enough to tuck a napkin under your chin ! Do 
 pr'ythee keep to your own receipt-book, and leave 
 me to mine ; I know it all, from a lark to a loin of 
 beef, and in the ceconomy of the table woud'nt 
 hold a candle to Hannah Glafs herfelf, if me was 
 living and here prefent. 
 
 ( DAVID enters. ) 
 
 David. Heyday ! how came this to pafs ? here's 
 a breeze indeed! .here's a ripple! Kitty, my 
 charmer, who has vext you ? 
 
 Kate. Why, Billy has vext me; he will chatter 
 about things he knows nothing of. 
 
 Billy B. I've done, I've done : ferve up the 
 goofe in your own way. 
 
 David. Out upon him, for a lubber! he has been 
 running foul of the kitchen hawlyards, after his old 
 fafhion. 
 
 Billy B. No, no, it's all over ; there's an end ; 
 I knock under : Your prefence, Pickle, always 
 makes peace. 
 
 David. Why, how long have you liv'd by the 
 fea, friend Buftler, not to find out that it's fure to 
 make rough water where two tides meet ? Kitty's 
 temper is as fmooth as a mill-pond, if you won't 
 put in your oar. Come, come, let us be all in good 
 humour with each other, for I've a favor to afk 
 of you. 
 
 Kate. What it that 4 lapwing ? 
 
 David.
 
 A C O M E D Y. 19 
 
 David. Oh ! quite a fmall matter j I know 
 you'll grant it at the firft word. 
 
 Kate. It fhall go hard but I'll try for it. Let us 
 hear it. 
 
 David. Why, 'tis only to accommodate a friend 
 of mine with a night or two's lodging in your fpare 
 cabin. 
 
 Kate. Is that all ? 
 
 David. Yes ; that's all. 
 
 Bitty B. Any friend of your's, my dear boy, (halt 
 be welcome to my houfe, bed and board, for as 
 long as he likes. Why did'n't you bring the gen- 
 tleman with you ? 
 
 David. Gentleman ! No, no, the gentleman in 
 this cafe happens to be a lady. 
 
 Kate. Ah ! gemini ! you little wicked devil, 
 would you foift your naughty huffies into my 
 houfe ? 
 
 David. Who fays Ihe's a naughty hufley ? She's 
 as fpotlefs a virgin as yourfelf, only Ihe is not fo 
 obftinately bent to continue one j for {he's about to 
 be married out of hand. ,t * 
 
 Kate. Get you gone, get you gone ! I'll have no- 
 thing to do with her. 
 
 Billy B. Hold, hold, let us underitand this a little 
 better. What is the lady's name who is me go- 
 ing to marry and how are you interefted about 
 her ? I don't think David Mowbray wou'd bring a 
 bad woman into my family. 
 
 David. Why, who can fuppofe I wou'd ? But 
 
 with refpect to entering into her hiftory with you, 
 
 I can't do it ; for 'tis brother Frederick's affair, and 
 
 he'll fatisfy you in all points, ft is not I that am 
 
 c 2 going
 
 *o FIRST LOVE: 
 
 going to marry her, but he : all I know is, that fhcr 
 is a perfon of rank, and an emigrant. Take notice, 
 I have never feen her, and moreover it is a dole 
 fecret from father. 
 
 Kate. Billy, Billy, if it is a fecret affair, don't 
 meddle or make with it : as fure as can be you'll 
 get into hot water with Sir Miles Mowbray. 
 
 Billy B. Hot water indeed ! let him take care 
 then he don't fcald his own fingers. I fhall act the 
 ftrait part by my friend David ; if he deceives me, 
 that is his fault ; if 1 deceive him, I am a flincher, 
 and no true Englifhman fo I fay the lady fhall be 
 welcome : I fay it, and who fhall gainfay it? 
 
 David. Come, fweet Kate, it only wants your 
 concurrence ; take a little pity into your heart for 
 a poor orphan ftranger, driven out of her own 
 country by the murderers of her parents, and give 
 her a fmall fample of your hofpitality, for the ho- 
 nor of old England. 
 
 Kate. Nay, if fhc is an orphan and a ftranger, 
 and a fugitive from that cruel country, who but a 
 monfler wou'd refufe to take her in ? I'll not be 
 outdone in charity by any body. Let her come 
 when fhe will, I'll do every thing in my power for 
 her. 
 
 B. Buji. Well faid> Kate ! thou art a kind foul, 
 tho' a dear lover of a little contradiction. 
 
 David. When there's a good heart at bottom, 
 what matters it how you get to it ? But I'm going 
 to my brother, and when I bring him in my hand> 
 I fhall bring one, for whofe honor I will vouch 
 with my life. [Exeunt federally . 
 
 Scene
 
 A COMEDY* 21 
 
 Scene changes. Mr. and Mrs. WRANGLE. 
 
 Mr. W. So, child, how comes it to pafs you are 
 not at the opera to-night ? 
 
 Mrs. W. The fates decreed it ctherwife. 
 
 Mr. W. Nonfenfe ! the fates indeed ! You have 
 other reafons than they can give you. 
 
 Mrs. IV. Well, if you are not contented with the 
 fates, you mud make enquiry amongft the cafual- 
 ties. Your coach broke down with me at the 
 opera door. 
 
 Mr. W. My coach ! my new coach ! 
 
 Mrs. W. The very fame ; and for an accident 
 methinks you have come off reafonably well. If 
 my limbs had been broken at the fame time, you 
 wou'd have had double repairs on your hands. 
 
 Mr. l. Humph ! are my horfes fafe ? . 
 
 Mrs. W. They are jobs, you know; you need 
 have no feeling for them, 
 
 Mr. W. How did you come home ? 
 
 Mrs. IV* Took the firft carriage that was offer'd 
 me. 
 
 Mr. W* And whofe was that ? 
 
 Mrs. //'. Colonel, Colonel I can't think of 
 the man's name. 
 
 Mr. W. Come, come, 1 know your man. I'll 
 bet ten to one 'twas Colonel Doricourt's. 
 
 Mrs. IV. That's high odds, but you'd win the 
 wager. 
 
 Mr. W. You came home with Colonel Do- 
 ricourt ? 
 
 Mrs. IV. Exaaiy fo. 
 
 Mr. W. Damnation ! then there are more re- 
 c 3 pairs
 
 i F I R S ? LOVE: 
 
 pairs on my hands than a broken carriage j there 
 is a ruin'd reputation. 
 
 Mrs. W. Carry in your damages : the gentle- 
 man will fatisfy you. 
 
 Mr. W. And do you think I'll be fatisfied with 
 this cool contempt, this infolent indifference to my 
 juft remonftrances ? No, Madam, your new method 
 of infenfibility won't ferve : I'll make you feel, be- 
 fore we part. 
 
 Mrs. '/F. Keep your temper, Mr. Wrangle. 
 
 Mr. W* I'll not keep my temper. 
 
 Mrs. W. Throw it afide then, and get a better j 
 for it is thoroughly worn out, and no longer nt for 
 ^ny gentleman's wear. 
 
 ( Sir MILES MOWBRAY enters. ) 
 
 Sir Miles. So, fo, fo ! very good, very good ! 
 Here you both are, clofe as ever : here I left you, 
 and here I find you, ftill the fame s ever fond and 
 loving, ever happy in each other. 
 
 Mr. VS. Oh ! fupremely happy 
 
 Mrs. W. Both fuperlatively bieft 
 
 Sir Miles. Yes, yes, I know it well: and why 
 are you fo fuperlatively bled, but becaufe you had 
 the grace to difcover that I cou'd choofe better for 
 you than you cou'd for yourfelf ? Why is a father 
 call'd the head of his family, but as it is his bufinefs 
 to think for all thofe whofe heads can't think for 
 their fclves ? The human heart, children, has been 
 my peculiar ftudyj and as I have kept my felf ex- 
 empt from all thofe paflions that diflurb it, I may 
 fay without vanity, 1 am mafter of the fubjeci. 
 
 Mr. /F. And pray, Sir, may I afk how you be- 
 came thus learned in the paflions, having never 
 pxperienc'd the effecls of them ? 
 
 Sir
 
 A C O M E D Y. 23 
 
 Sir Miles. As a phyfician finds out a difeafe 
 without feeling it ; by natural intuition and deep 
 reflection. 
 
 Mrs. W. And by which of thefe do you difco- 
 ver to a certainty that I am as happy as I pretend 
 to be? 
 
 Sir Miles. Can I fail to difcover it is day when the 
 fun fhines? If there were any hypocrify in your heart, 
 can you fuppofe it wou'd efcape me ? When your 
 brother Frederick was in love, did not I find it out ? 
 Yet I never was the dupe of that nonfenfical paffion 
 myfelf. 
 
 Mrs. W. So I ihou'd think, Sir, when you un- 
 dertook to reafon him out of it. 
 
 Sir Miles. Aye, Madam, and now you fhall fee 
 I'll reafon him into it. 
 
 Mr. W. That I fhou'd guefs will be no hard 
 talk, if Lady Ruby is the object. Mr. Mowbray 
 will be a happy man if he obtains her. 
 
 Mrs. W. He'll be a rich one at leaft : why you 
 fliou'd fo decidedly fay he will be a happy one, I 
 am at a lofs to guefs, becaufe I know the lady is 
 no favorite of your's. 
 
 Mr. W. I can have no favorites, whilft one 
 reigns miftrefs of my heart, compar'd with whom 
 all other objects are as nothing. 
 
 Sir Miles. Do you hear that, Lyddy ? By my 
 foul, Wrangle, tho' I fay it to my daughter's face, 
 (and fhe's a good girl, I confefs) thou art enough 
 to fpoil any wife in England. 
 
 Mrs. W. Not with kindnefs, I fhou'd think. 
 
 Mr. W. Can I pofflbly be too kind to fuch a 
 jyife ? 
 
 4 Sir
 
 24 F 1 R S ST L V E : 
 
 Sir Miles. No, but you may talk too much about 
 it; you may turn her head with too many fine 
 fpeeches. 
 
 Mrs. W. I wifh you had heard what fine 
 fpeeches he made to me juft now. 
 
 Sir Miles. I dori't doubt it. 
 
 Mrs. W. I had the misfortune to have my coach 
 broke down at the opera. I have feen hufbands 
 that will fret and fume at fuch. an accident, and 
 fcold the poor wife without mercy. 
 
 Sir Miles. Aye, thofe are peevifh paltry fellows 
 truly. 
 
 Mrs. W. Are they not ? Yet even thefe, who 
 are fuch tyrants out of fight, (hall be fycophants to 
 your face, and pafs themfeives upon the world for 
 the beft of hufbands, by the mean refource of flat- 
 tery and fine fpeeches. 
 
 Sir Miles. Very true, they are the mod loathfome 
 characters in nature. 
 
 Mrs. W. I think fo from my foul and all the 
 while the poor wife, tho' in fact the moil miferable 
 of beings, fhall be falfely fuppos'd the happieft of 
 women. 
 
 Sir Miles. That is the mofl provoking circum- 
 ftance of all. 
 
 Mrs. W. Infupportably fo in my opinion Then 
 the odious creature is fo jealous upon every trifling 
 occafion, andfo petulant withal, that one knows not 
 which he is moft to be defpis'd for, his captioufnefs 
 or his cruelty. 
 
 Sir Miles. Ah child, child ! had you been re- 
 fractory and felf-will'd, all thefe miferies might 
 have fallen upon you ; whereas, by following my 
 judgment in the great concern of life, you have all 
 
 the
 
 A C O M E D Y. 25 
 
 the blefiings of wedlock, and efcape its forrows. 
 So farewell ! I leave you happy ; I have made you 
 happy : and if I have the fame fuccefs with Lady 
 Ruby, to whom I am now going, we fhall all be 
 happy. [Exit. 
 
 Mr. W. My deareft life, permit me to attend 
 upon you Honor me fo far as to give me your 
 hand. 
 
 Mrs. W. Oh ! that I could recal the day when 
 I did give you my hand! neither force, nor flattery, 
 nor all the fortune upon earth, fhou'd prevail with 
 me to'confentto it. [Exeunt. 
 
 A Chamber in Lady RUBY'J Houfe. 
 (Lady RUBY and Waiting Woman.) 
 
 Lady R. When Lord Senfitive's confidential fer- 
 vant inform'd you of his attachment for Sabina 
 Rofny, did hefpeak of her as a woman of character? 
 
 W. Woman. Oh yes, my lady; he gave the young 
 gentlewoman a very high character. 
 
 Lady R. For her difcretion, I afk you ? 
 
 W. Woman. For her good qualities, my lady, her 
 accomplilhments, and above all, for her beauty. 
 
 Lady R. Pooh ! her beauty is out of the quef- 
 tion; I am fimply talking of her character, of her 
 conduct. 
 
 W. Woman. Pardon me, madam, I did not 
 think it handfome to be over-curious about 
 conduct ; for I concluded Mr. Carrington too 
 much a man of honor to betray his mafter's 
 fecrets. 
 
 Lady R. So it fhou'd feem indeed, by his taking 
 you into counfel for the keeping them. You 
 may leave me. [Exit W. Woman. 
 
 ( SERVANT
 
 ( SERVANT enters. ) 
 
 Servant. Lord Senfitivc delivcr'd this himfelfj 
 and bids me fay he attends to know your ladylhip's 
 pleafure. [Delivers a Note. 
 
 Lady R. Very well ! (reads it.) My compli- 
 ments to his lordfoipj and if he wifhesto walk up, 
 I am at home. [Exit Servant. 
 
 Sol here's another explanation to undergo 
 Ah! man, man ! pofitively thou art the moft irra.- 
 tlonal, nonfenftcal animal in the creation. 
 
 (Lord SENSITIVE enters.) 
 
 LordS. Am I permitted once more to ap- 
 proach you ? 
 
 Lady R. You have the fame permiffion, my 
 Lord, that you always had. 
 
 Lord S. 1 am fenfible my vifits can no longer 
 be acceptable to you: where fufpicion has taken 
 hold, kindnefs cannot keep its place ; I had there- 
 fore determin'd never to intrude again, but a natu- 
 ral wifli to attempt my juftification, and, more than 
 all, a natural weaknefs, which my heart cannot in- 
 ftantly make off, induce me once more, and for the 
 laft time, to folicit an admillion. 
 
 Lady R. I am happy to fee your lordfhip upon 
 any terms ; and I hope you will repeat your 
 vifits for the laft time fo often, that our ac- 
 quaintance will improve by it. 
 
 LordS. Ah, madam, madam, whiiil you can 
 jport with my feelings in this manner, your levity 
 convinces me how indifferent I am to you : nay, I 
 believe from my foul I am become your averfion j 
 and I am aftonifh'd, when your ladyfhip fo well 
 
 knows
 
 A G O M E D Y. 27 
 
 knows the real motives of my vifits here, you have 
 not ordered your doors to be fhut againft fo un- 
 welcome an intruder. 
 
 Lady R. Pray, my lord, what is our quarrel jufb 
 now ? and why fhou'd my doous, that are apt to be 
 open to all perfons of honor, and my friends in ge- 
 neral, be ihut againil you in particular ? 
 
 Lord t>. Becaufe I underfland forne tattling bufy- 
 body has impreffed you with unfavorable notions of 
 my conduct, in an affair, which delicacy forbids me 
 to explain. " : ;^ ' 
 
 Lady R. Then let delicacy prevail with you to 
 forbear the fubject. We may be good friends with- 
 out fearching into the fecrets of each other's 
 heart. 
 
 Lord S. Right, madam, 'tis a compromife that 
 faves us both from an unpleafant talk : my heart is 
 not pure enough for your inipection ; your's, was I 
 to feacch it, would difclofe all the tender feelings, 
 all the fond unabated affections, that are there 
 glowing and alive for a certain perfon, who fways 
 it ftill, tho' abfent and neglectful. 'Sdeath, madam! 
 it is a difcovery that would drive me into madnefs, 
 nor will I (loop to friendship where I have once 
 afpir'd to love ! 
 
 Lady R. That is fincere at leaft : you think my 
 nature fteady to a firft attachment; credit yourfelf 
 for the fame principle, and we have each of us our 
 feparate purfuits ; they clalh no longer. 
 
 Lord S. May I then be permitted to afk you one 
 plain queftion ? 
 
 Lady R. With all my heart ; propofe it. 
 
 LordS. Are you not at this moment ftill fo 
 
 wedded
 
 wedded to a firft attachment, as to be no longer 
 fufceptible of any other ? 
 
 Lady R. That is a queftion, let me obferve to 
 you, that none but the moft intimate friend could 
 expect an anfwer to ; how then can your lordihip 
 look for it, when you will not fubmit to be re- 
 garded in that character ?. 
 
 Lord S. But if a lover prefum'd to put fuch a 
 quefrion, wou'd you wave it in his cafe ? 
 
 Lady R. If he was a man I diflik'd, I might 
 perhaps avail myfelf of fo fair an opportunity for 
 getting rid of him j if he was one I efteem'd, I 
 fhould be forry to find he had fo felf- tormenting a 
 curiofity belonging to him. 
 
 LordS. Oh, lovelieft of women ! ever charming, 
 ever irrefiftible, pardon my too- anxious fenfibilky, 
 and pity one who lives but in your fight. I find it 
 is impoffible to efcape fcorn me, trifle with me, 
 torture me as you will, (till I muft adore you. 
 
 Lady R. Muft you be always in extremes ? Now 
 you are more intolerable than ever. Let go my 
 hand, I defire of you. 
 
 Lord S. Grudge me not this Ihort refpite from 
 my anguifh ; for pity's fake do not leave me. 
 
 Lady R. Pofitively I muft. Ah ! you have 
 cruih'd my hand releafe it, I befeech you. 
 
 LordS. Spare me thefe few moments, I am not 
 fo prefumptuous as to flatter myielf they can laft. 
 
 Lady R. I hardiy think they fhou'd i I don't 
 believe any human hand could bear to be fo 
 fqueez'd much longer. 
 
 Lord S. Thus let me atone the injury I have 
 done k. (Kffis her band.) 
 
 Lady
 
 A C O M E D Y. 1$ 
 
 R. I perceive, my lord, our interviews 
 fnould laft no longer than whilft we keep up the 
 fpirit of controverfy ; as foon as ever we begirt to 
 be of the fame mind, it is time we (hould part. 
 
 ( SERVANT enters* ) 
 
 Servant. Sir Miles Mowbray begs the honor of a 
 few minutes converfation with your ladyfhip. 
 
 Lord S. There, there, there ! all my apprehen- 
 fions are verified. 
 
 Lady R. Hufh, hufh Iwait without a few mo- 
 ments. (Servant retires.) 1 confefs I'm puzzled 
 to account for this vifit. 
 
 LordS. So am not I His motives are too clear : 
 your fortune is the loadftone j he comes to make 
 propofals for his fon. 
 
 Lady R. Ridiculous ! Go, go, you fhall not ftay 
 a minute longer } I mure admit him. Who waits ? 
 Tell Sir Miles Mowbray, I am at his fervice. 
 
 Lord S. Well, madam if it mud be fo, and if 
 Sir Miles's bufinefs is fo very interefting 
 
 Lady P_. Don't be fo tirefome. 
 
 LordS. I will obey And yet Oh ! Lady- 
 Ruby, think of rne ! [Exit. 
 (Sir MILES MOWBRAY enters.) 
 
 Sir Miles. I am your ladyfhip's very humble 
 fervant greatly oblig'd to you for this indulgence, 
 very greatly oblig'd to you indeed. I am a fuitor 
 to your ladyfliip, under favor, for a few moments of 
 your patience, if my requeft be not unfeafonable. 
 
 Lady R. I am entirely at your command, Sir 
 Miles. Be pleas'd to take a chair. 
 
 Sir Miles. Not fo, my lady; let me entreat you 
 to be feated firth 
 
 Lady
 
 30 FIRST LOPE: 
 
 Lady R. Pray ufe no ceremony With your leave 
 I will fit by you. 
 
 Sir Miles. I humbly thank you. In truth, my 
 lady, I do greatly covet to be near you, near in 
 every fenfe. Believe me, 1 ftiou'd greet the moment 
 as the happieft of my life, that connected me and 
 mine in the clofeft and neareft alliance with your 
 ladyfhip. 
 
 Lady R- Has that always been your wifh ? 
 
 Sir Miles. Madam ! My lady! Ahem ! I am 
 not fure I rightly comprehend your ladyfhip's 
 queftion. 
 
 Lady R. If I remind you of your paft opinion, 
 Sir Miles, it is becaufe I wou'd not have you be 
 deceiv'd as to your prefent one I do not think 
 that within the period fince you and I have ceas'd 
 to be acquainted I have any fuch acquirements to 
 boaft of as fhou'd induce you to think better of me 
 now that I am a widow, than you did before I was 
 a wife. 
 
 Sir Miles. 'Tis a proof of your modefty, that 
 you are pleas'd to fay fo; and what is fo engaging? 
 'tis a token of your candor and fincerity (amiable 
 qualities !) and I always did you the juftice to fay 
 that you pofTeft them in a very eminent degree. 
 
 Lady R. Indeed ! did you fay that ? 
 
 Sir M. I did. ! did upon my foul I faid it, and 
 I thought it. 
 
 Lady R. Then i fufpect you do not think better 
 of a woman for being only modeft, candid, and 
 fmcere. 
 
 Sir Miles. Pardon me, Madam ! Can I give a 
 ftronger proof how highly I efteem thofe virtues 
 
 than
 
 A C O M E D Y. 31 
 
 than by tendering you my fon, my eldeft fon 
 Frederick ? 
 
 Lady R. Blefs me ! wou'd you recommend fo bad 
 a bargain to your fon ? 
 
 Sir Miles. How fo, my lady r how fo ? Why dd 
 you fay fo bad a bargain ? 
 
 Lady R. Becaufe you have only reckon'd up a 
 ragged troop of virtues, which you once turn'd 
 from your doors, when they were in better plight 
 than at prefent, without naming money, which, 
 I believe, in your opinion, is a virtue worth them 
 all. 
 
 Sir Miles. I know the value of money, Madam, 
 tlio' I won't call it a virtue; and I own to you that 
 Sir Paul Ruby's property, fo worthily bequeath'd 
 to your ladylhip, conlblidated with what Frederick, 
 as my heir, may expect, are circumflances not to 
 be overlook'd in the calculations of a prudent 
 father. 
 
 Lady R. Well, Sir Miles, I am ftill fo much 
 your fon's friend as to rejoice at having difcover'd, 
 that when intereft prompts you to feek out an 
 alliance for him, the good qualities of the lady you 
 contract with will be no bar to your bargain. 
 
 Sir Miles. Very much on the contrary, very 
 much indeed; and therefore let me hope, my 
 good lady, when my fon, whom I look for hourly, 
 (hall arrive, you will graciouOy permit me to lay 
 him at your feet. In this hope I humbly take my 
 leave 
 
 Lady R. Your patience for a moment : What- 
 ever hopes you are pleas'd to found upon this con- 
 verfation, I muft candidly tell you they are not at 
 all to be depended upon; and recoiled, Sir Miles, 
 
 that
 
 32 F I R S T L V E : 
 
 that if my affection for your fon is now extinguifh'd, 
 it was your own authority that put an end to it ; 
 let me add, that if I am not greatly flatter'd by the 
 honor of this vilit, it is becaufe I clearly compre- 
 hend the motives of it. 
 
 Sir Miles. My Lady, I I I am your very 
 humble fervant. 
 
 Lady R. Your moft obedient, Sir Miles Mow- 
 bray. Who waits? [Exit Sir MILES. 
 
 O, Frederick, Frederick! falfe forgetful man! 
 Did you but feel thole wifhes, which your interefled 
 father exprefies, how little wou'd you need an ad- 
 vocate! how eafily wou'd my refentment be ap- 
 peas'd 1 [Exit. 
 
 END OF ACT II. 
 
 ACT
 
 A C O M E D Y. 33 
 
 F 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 (FREDERICK; SABINA.) 
 
 FREDERICK. 
 
 RIEND of my life! my benevolent prefer ver! 
 I have now happily accornplinYd one effort 
 of my gratitude, by efcorting you to an afylum, 
 Where perfecution cannot reach you. 
 
 Sabina. Generous Mowbray ! I do wifh to tell 
 yo^ in the language you have taught me, how my 
 poor heart is penetrated with your goodnefs to me, 
 but I am not eloquent ; I can only fay I do thank 
 you for your care of me; and for bringing me to 
 your charitable country, which I do honor from 
 my foul $ indeed I do honor it } but, alas ! it is 
 toot for me ever to be happy in it. 
 
 Fred. Why do you fay that ? I am incapable of 
 deceiving you : this inftant I am going to my father, 
 and be afTur'd it fhall not be many days before the 
 dubious fituation you are in fhall be honorably 
 done away, and all my promifes fulfilled. 
 
 Sab'ma. No, no, no, my good friend, I lhall not 
 call upon you for thofe promifes ; we are now in 
 England, and thofe promifes are nothing, they are 
 roid* 
 
 Fred. What can you mean, Sabina? Dtr you 
 fufpecl my integrity ? 
 
 Sabina. I do not fufpecl you at all but you 
 
 was fick, take notice, very fick, and dcrang'd in 
 
 ^ your
 
 34 F I R.S ?. L V E: 
 
 your fenfes, when, becaufe I did do my pofllblc hi 
 pity and companion to affift you in your malady,^ 
 you was pleas'd to make thofe promifes you fpeak," 
 and I did let them pafs for the time, faying 
 nothing to the -contrary of them, becaufe they 
 were very good and commodious for me, as a 
 Jingle woman, travelling alone with you, under pro- 
 tection of your honor j but now that you are at 
 home again, and, thanks to Heaven! in good 
 health, I IhaJl not, be fo bale to let you rum, your^ 
 felf by marrying poor me, only becaufe you pledg'd 
 your word when you did hardly know what that 
 word meant. 
 
 Fred. Nobly cpnceiv'd! But I am not that 
 wretch, to facrifice my honor to a mean and merce- 
 nary evafion : T ho' my heart has been wounded, 
 as you know, it has not been debas'dj and I am 
 determin'd to go this inftant to my father, and an- 
 nounce the refolu^ion I have taken. 
 
 Sabina. Stop, I conjure you, flop ! I have fome- 
 thing on my mind to tell you. -*- Ah, mifericorde I 
 What is a-coming now ? 
 
 (Lady RUBY enters.) 
 
 Lady R. Blefs me ! I did not know this room 
 was occupied: I beg a thoufand pardons Mr 
 Mowbray ! - 
 
 Fred. Lady Ruby! this is indeed a furprize. 
 
 Lady R. I defire I may not break in upon your 
 conference^ Sir. My bufinefs with the matter of 
 this houfe may be tranfafted in his office. 
 
 Fred. Our conference, Madam, is at an end. 
 I was on the point- of my departure.
 
 A C O M E D Y." 35 
 
 Ledy R. By no means let me haftm it : I ftiou'd 
 be forry to deprive the lady of one moment of 
 your company. 
 
 Fred. It has been my good fortune to be the 
 lady's companion for fome time, and we are juft 
 arriv'd in England. Mademoifelle Rofny is an emi- 
 grant of noble birth, as much to be admir'd for 
 her virtues, as fhe is to be pitied for her mis- 
 fortunes* 
 
 Lady R. Rofny ! is that the lady's name ? 
 
 Sabina. Yes, Madam, that is my name: Alas! 
 I am the laft that bear it: Thofe that did, honor 
 to it once are now no more: I am a miferable 
 folitary relict. 
 
 Lady R. So young an orphan! How my heart 
 bleeds for you! 
 
 Salina. How good } to feel for the diftreft and 
 ftranger! Ah, had you known my parents: They 
 perifh'd at Marfeilles ; I fled to Padua but for- 
 row overtook me j I had great fufferings there. 
 
 Lady R. I can well believe it. Lord Senfitivc 
 has that to anfwer for. (afide.) 
 
 Fred. Sabina, you fhall fpare yourfelf the pain- 
 ful recital : Lady Ruby, if I rightly know her, is 
 not curious to inquire into the private hiftories of 
 the unfortunate. 
 
 Lady, R. In point of idle curiofity, I hope you- 
 do me no more than juflice ; but to know misfor- 
 tunes, for the purpofe of relieving them, pfimit me 
 to fay that I am curious. If Mademoifeile Rofny 
 fhou'd prefer the protection of one of her own 
 fex to her prefent fituation, my heart and houfe arc 
 open to receive her. 
 
 p o Saline.
 
 Sabina. Oh ! that is great consideration for m<? 
 truly. 
 
 Lady K. What fay you, amiable Sabina ? I am, 
 like you, a folitary woman : will you confent to be 
 my companion and friend ? 
 
 Sabina, I have all poffible emprelTement for your 
 goodnefs y and certainly fo charming a lady cannot 
 fail to have a tender heart for the unhappy ; but I 
 am without a friend in England, except this worthy 
 gentleman, and I do think he will advife me for the 
 belt. It fecms to me that you are not quite 
 eftrang'd to one another : Mr. Mowbray is very 
 honorable and good to poor me ; I pray you lee 
 me hear what he will fay. 
 
 Lady R. Speak, Frederick ! 
 
 Fred. I fcarce know how to anfwer. 
 
 Lady R. If you believe me worthy of the truft, 
 and fmcere is wishing for it 
 
 Fred. How can I doubt of either ? But my con- 
 nection with ihis lady is a delicate one. 
 
 Lady R. 1 muft fuppofe it is an honorable one. 
 
 Fred. In the flri&eft fenfe. Gratitude not lefs 
 than, under Providence, for my life, bind me to Sa- 
 bina Rofny. Through the fad period of an excru- 
 ciating illnefs, her foothing pity was my only fup- 
 port ihatch'd by her care from death, or a condi- 
 tion worfe than death, cou'd I do lefs than dedicate 
 what's left of life and fenfes to the generous pre- 
 ierver of them ? I am now going to my father I 
 need not fay how much my fate depends upon that 
 interview. 
 
 Sabina. No, no, no ! I do once more pray and 
 
 implore of you, Mr. Frederick, not to ipeak of me 
 
 to your father : I have reafons for that, which it 
 
 4 would
 
 ACOMEDY. 37 
 
 would be great pain and difficulty for me to expli- 
 cate to you ; but, fince my lady is fo good to per- 
 mit me to come to her, I do pray you let me avail 
 myfelf of her kind favor, and then, when I will 
 make my confefiion to her, you fhall find yourfelf 
 very happy that you have not fpoken to your fa- 
 ther. 
 
 Fred, Go then, and may you find your happinefs 
 where mine was loft ! Ob, Lady Ruby, pardon a 
 diftra&ed mind 
 
 Sabina. Be tranquil, my good friend, you (hall 
 have no caufe to complain of me i and I am per- 
 iuaded this lady, who has the beauty of an aqpdt 
 has alfo the benevolence of one, 
 
 ( KATE and BILLY BUSTLER enter baftify. ) 
 
 Kate. My lady, I am your ladyfliip's moft obe- 
 dient humble fervant \ Pray, my lady, excufe this 
 feeming want of manners ; if we had had any item 
 of your ladyfhip's doing us this great honor, things 
 (hou'd have been in another fort of fafliion to have 
 welcom'd fuch a vifitor. 
 
 Billy B. Sifter and I had but juft ftejvt out ? 
 
 Kate. Yes, my lady, brother Billy and I had 
 but juft ftept out to provide fomething dainty for 
 our charming gueft and a lovely young lady (he is, 
 tho" I fay it to her face, as any in the kingdom, your 
 iadyfhip always excepted. 
 
 Lady R. No apology to me, my good Mrs. Ca- 
 therine ; your brother knows that my bufinefs re- 
 iates only to fome fmall accounts of Sir Paul 
 Ruby's, and thofe can be adjufted at any other 
 time as well as the prefent. 
 
 Billy B. They are all ready, my lady j examin'd, 
 D 3 vouch'd,
 
 33 F-IR-S 7 LOVE: 
 
 vouch'd, and balanc'd ; with your leave I will bring 
 up the abftract, and pay in the amount. 
 
 Lady R. Another time, if you pleafe : 'till then I 
 will, trouble you to be my banker; every body 
 knows your punctuality, my good friend. 
 
 Billy B. Pretty con-eft, pretty correct, I Matter 
 myfelf, fair lady : hav'nt loft my credit yet hope 
 I never fhall. 
 
 Lady R. There is a lofs however you muft be 
 prepar'd for; I am going to rob you of your ami- 
 able gueft : you muft pardon me if I take Made- 
 moifelle Rofny with me. 
 
 Billy B. Every thing this houfe contains is fo en- 
 tirely at your ladyihip's command, that if you was 
 to take away not only my amiable gueft, but lifter 
 Kate into the bargain, I muft fubmit and obey. 
 
 Kate. Law ! brother I how you talk ! as if fuch a, 
 perfon as me cou'd be company for her ladyfhip 
 but Mifs Rofny deferves better entertainment than 
 we can give her; and to be fure, if your ladyihip 
 fo wishes, much as we friall feel the lofs of her 
 fweet fociety, yet, with Mr. Frederick's confent, we 
 fhall refign her. 
 
 SaUna. I am very thankful, indeed I am, good 
 madam and good fir, for your politenefs ; and I am 
 perfuaded that the more I had known you, the more 
 and more I fhou'd have lov'd you ; but adieu for 
 the prefent ! I will pay you my devoirs as foon as 
 it is in my pov 
 
 Kate. The blefling of bleiEngs light upon you, 
 fweet innocent ! they muft be monfters who cou'd 
 harm you. 
 
 Ladj R. Come, my dear, are you ready : 
 
 Sabina. One word with you, Mr. Frederick. 
 
 Ah,
 
 A COMEDY. 39 
 
 Ah, my good friend, give me your hand : I mall 
 fee you foon, and you fhall know all my fad hif- 
 tory; then you will pity and excufe me: mean* 
 while I do pray, if you regard my happinefs or your 
 own, fay not one word to your father on the fiibjec~l 
 we were fpeaking of. 
 
 "j?red. So far I promife you, till the myflery is 
 cleared up. Lady Ruby, 1 commit to your protec- 
 tion a tender pledge, which, if I had not kept fa- 
 cred whilft under guardianmip of my honor, I 
 were a wretch too hideous for fociety. What fhe 
 has to reveal to you I know not : if misfortunes, 
 you will pity them ; if mifrakes, you will pardon 
 them wrong'd me may be, guilty fhe cannot be. 
 
 Lady R. Oh ! Frederick, Frederick ! I have much 
 to fay to you many things to explain, and fome- 
 thing to impart that will furprife you. Be cautious 
 in your language to your father. After you have 
 vionferr'd, let me fee you. 
 
 Fred. Is it poffible you can wilh it ? Is there an 
 object fo unwelcome, fo profcrib'd as I am ? 
 
 Lady R. If your heart fuggefts that queftio.n, why 
 do you truft me with a charge fo dear to you? 
 And, if you were unwelcome, why did I folicit the 
 truft ? Ah ! where is your wanted intuition ? 
 
 Fred. I can make no reply; I'll ftrive to fortify 
 my heart, and wait upon you.. -Shall I Attend upon 
 you to your coach ? 
 
 Lady R. By no means ; flay where you are.-r- 
 
 Here is my beau. [.v//, attended by BUSTLER, and 
 
 followed by SABINA and Mrs. CATHERINE, 
 
 D 4 FREDERICK,
 
 40 FIRS? LOVE: 
 
 FREDERICK, alone, 
 
 Where am I ? What is this obfcurity, that ga. 
 thers like a cloud ready to burft upon me ? Sabina 
 meditates to fet me free but why ? I cannot pe- 
 netrate her motives : I have no trace of what I 
 may have clivulg'd in the wand'rings of my reafon. 
 Perhaps Ihe has difcover'd my firft love in theper- 
 fon of this lady, and means to make a generous fa- 
 crifice of her right in me I'll not permit it : no ! 
 tho' my heart fliou'd burit with the recoil of that 
 unconquerable affection, which the fight of my en- 
 chantrefs has reviv'd, I never will fubmit to be a 
 villain, and abandon my preferver, David \ 
 
 ( DAVID MOWER AY enters. ) 
 
 David. Aye, fure enough I am he. Where's 
 Mademoifelle ? 
 
 Fred. Gone with Lady Ruby. 
 
 David. Is me fo ? then I caught a glimpfe of her 
 for the firft time. Well! I fay nothing, every 
 man to his own fancy ; but for my part, brother 
 Frederick, if little England cou'd'nt furnifh me 
 with- a mate tb my liking, I wou'd be content to go 
 lingle for the reft of my days. 
 
 Fred. David, we won't talk upon that fubje<5t 
 juft now. 
 
 David. Very well, then you muft keep clear of 
 father, for he will talk of nothing elfe ; yet I think 
 you fhou'd fpeak him quickly, for it's out of chance 
 for you to lie hid in this tattling town much 
 longer. 
 
 Fred. I waited only till Sabina was difpos'd ofl 
 and am going to him directly. Will you accom- 
 pany me ?
 
 A COMEDY. 4I 
 
 David. To be fure 1 will, if you wilh it But 
 harkye, Frederick, J hope you don't take in ill part 
 what I laid to you, only becaufe I thought it a pity 
 an honeft Englifhman fhou'd go out of his own 
 country for a wife ; whereas, do you fee, if your 
 heart is pledg'd, why there's an end of the matter. 
 
 Fred. There let the matter end then, 
 
 David. Enough faid, leave it there; only if 
 father comes down upon you with a fpanking 
 breeze, I wou'd not have him take you at a non- 
 plus. 
 
 Fred. A man, who knows his duty, cannot be 
 furpriz'd : I am his fon in all lawful fervice, but 
 where my honor is engag'd, friend David, 1 think 
 you will agree with me that an honeft heart ought 
 not to be fhaken either by menaces or foothings 
 fo let us boldly fet forward, face our fortune, and 
 defy its malice. 
 
 David. Come on, my brave fellow ! to the laft 
 breath of my life I will Hand by you ; and if father 
 cuts you off with a (hilling and leaves me his eftate, 
 the fhilling fhall be mine, and the eftate fhall be 
 your's. [Exeunt. 
 
 Scene changes fo an apartment in Sir MILES'J houfe. 
 (A Servant gaffes the Stage Mr.WRAXGLE follows.) 
 
 Mr. W. Robin, Robin !- A word in your ear 
 
 Robin. I humble beg your pardon, Mr. Wrangle, 
 I did not fee you. 
 
 Mr. W. No offence, my good friend, no offence 
 How are you, honeft Robin ? 
 
 Robin. Thank you, Sir ! What are your com- 
 mands, I pray ? 
 
 Mr.
 
 4* FIRST LOVE: 
 
 Mr. W. Where's your matter ? where's SIP 
 Miles ? I wane a word or two with him in pri- 
 vate. 
 
 Robin. I'll tell him as much. [Exit* 
 
 Mr. W. Do To, do fo ! I'm determin'd it fliali 
 come out : fhe threatens to complain of me to her 
 father; and as fhe always takes care to have the 
 iaft word, it is but fair that I mould have the 
 firft. 
 
 (SERVANT returns.) 
 
 Rcllii. I crave your pardon, Sir, but I hope you 
 have no bad news about ray 'young miftrefs. 
 Mr. W. Why Ihou'd you iuppofe it, Robin * 
 Robin. Becaufe I hear Hie had an accident at the 
 opera door ; no bad confequences from the fright 
 I hope Oh ! here my mailer comes. [Exit, 
 
 (Sir MILES MOWER AY and Mr. WRANGLE.) 
 
 Sir Miles. So, Wrangle, what's the beft news 
 with you ? 
 
 Mr. W. I cannot fay, Sir Miks, that I liave any, 
 particular good news to impart to you; and yet, with 
 your leave, I would fain folicit your attention for a 
 few minutes. 
 
 Sir Miles. What's the matter now ? Why do 
 you round me with a circumbendibus in this man- 
 ner, when I fo often defire you to fpeak plainlvj and 
 to the point at once ? 
 
 Mr. W. Well, Sir, then to the point at once. 
 
 Sir Miles. To be fure, that's the way to be un- 
 derftood, fon Wrangle j whereas to be verbofe and 
 eircumftantial, is to be tedious ; and when a man is 
 jedious, you know, 'tis ten to one if his hearers ar? 
 
 not
 
 A C O M E D Y. 43 
 
 pot tir'd with his ; reamble, before he lets them into, 
 the body of his bill. 
 
 Mr. W. At the prefent moment I conceive that 
 fault does not lie with me. 
 
 5/r Miles. I don't lay it does, I don't fay it, does j 
 yet a fault it is, lie where it wl'il, and every man 
 has his faults, which it is the part of a friend to tell 
 him of, it is the part of a father You yourfelf arc 
 not without faults, fon Wrangle. 
 
 Mr. W: I own it, Sir ; I do not aflfeft to difgurfe 
 them j but the faults I wou'd recommend to your 
 cognizance are fecret faults, which you do not fee, 
 and which I cannot remedy without your help. 
 
 Sir Miles. Come, come, Sir, my infight may go 
 deeper than you are aware of; I have fpied out 
 fome little lurking peccadilloes in a certain perfon, 
 which I fhall not defcant upon in your hearing. 
 
 Mr. W. Peccadilloes, do you call 'em ? they 
 merit a much harder name, believe me. 
 
 Sir Miles. Well, well, well ; if for obvious rea- 
 fons I don't give them hard names, let that be no 
 proof with you I mean to overlook them. 
 
 Mr. W. I hope you will not. 
 
 Sir Miles. Be fure of that, fon Wrangle ; you 
 will hardly doubt but I have my daughter's inte- 
 reft very thoroughly at heart, and, having been the 
 author of your union, feel myfelf reiponfible for the 
 luppinefs or unhappinefs that may refult from it. 
 
 Mr. W. Sir Miles, I hpnor you for the candor 
 of that very liberal conferTion : Our's was not a 
 match of paffion j prudence concerted our alliance, 
 and on your wifdom I repos'd my hopes j but in- 
 deed, and indeed, 1 am not what 1 feem ; I am not 
 that happy man you fuppos'd me to be. 
 
 Sir
 
 44 FIRSrLOyR: 
 
 Sir Miles. Why, I'm forry for it, but don't dc- 
 fpair ; confiding your fituation to me, you take a 
 prudent ftep, and you fhall find me, my dea$ 
 Wrangle, a zealous friend to ferve you Tempers 
 may be corrected j there fliall be no want of admo- 
 nition on my part, in your behalf; in the mean 
 time let it be a fecret between you and me ; don't 
 tell your wife a word of what has pafs'd : I fhali 
 take the affair into my own hands. 
 
 Mr. W. Well, Sir, on that condition I will not 
 Jet her know I have appeal'd to you. 
 
 Sir Miles. Every hufband ought to keep up his 
 confequence and authority ; whereas this wou'd 
 only tend to lower you in her refpecl, as if you had 
 not power of yourfelf to regulate your own con- 
 cerns, without calling me in to aflift you, 
 
 Mr. W. 'Tis very true, I fee your motives, and 
 am beholden to you for them. Under your fa- 
 therly correction, worthy Sir, I may now flatter 
 myfelf we (hall go on better than ever. 
 
 Sir Miles. I hope you will and now you lee the 
 good effects of plain fpeaking ; let me advife you 
 never to be circumlocutory any more, 
 
 (ROBERT enters haftiiy.) 
 
 Robert. Oh Sir, Sir, Sir ! rare news ! Mafter 
 Frederick is arriv'd well and hearty, Heaven be 
 prais'd for all things ! Humbly beg pardon for my 
 boldnefs, but I cou'dn't contain myfelf for joy. [Exit. 
 
 (FREDERICK and DAVID enter.) 
 Sir Miles. How, how, how is all this ? Aye, 
 there he is, fure enough, my own dear boy come 
 home again. Welcome, Freddy, welcome again 
 and again ! And how are you, my brave fellow : 
 glad to fee old Ensland once more? 
 
 Fretf,
 
 A C O M E D Y. 45 
 
 Fred. I am happy to fee you, Sir, in fuch health 
 ircd fpirits. 
 
 Sir Miles. Why, for health, thank Heaven ! I am 
 pretty well ; for fpirits, look you, I am all the bet- 
 ter for the fight of you. But hold, hold ! here's a 
 new relation of your's, Caleb Wrangle Efquire, 
 hufband to our Lyddy, and fuch a hufband. Bear 
 up, Wrangle ! I'm no blab. [afideJ] (Aye, that's 
 right, that's right ! take him by the hand ; give 
 him joy !) though I fay it to his face, I don't know 
 fuch another. Davy knows what a fond couple 
 they are ; don't you, Davy ? 
 
 David. Not I, father -, that's only known to 
 themfelves. 
 
 Sir Miles. Out upon thee, furly- boots! wile 
 never be civiliz'd ? Wrangle, I am (launch j 111 
 ffond by you. (tjids.) 
 
 Mr. W. We are fo rarely favor'd with our 
 brother David's company, that he cannot witnefs 
 what he does not fee : I flatter myfelf Mr. Fre- 
 derick will be more neighbourly ; but I'll not in- 
 trude upon moments fo precious I'll run home to 
 my beloved, and gladden her fond heart with the 
 joyful tidings. [Exit. 
 
 Sir Miles. There he goes, the paragon of hufc 
 bands, bating a few infirmities of temper, which 
 I mail foon carreft. 
 
 David. I'll lend you a hand heartily at that 
 job, father, if you want a mate. 
 
 Sir Miles. Held your tongue, firrah ; if you 
 were as free to find out your own failings, and 
 as candid to confefs them, as he is, you would be 
 fitter for fociety than you are. I hope, fon Fre- 
 derick, you at leaft like your new brother-in-law. 
 
 Fred.
 
 46 FIRS? L V > 
 
 Frid.\ hope my fifter does, Sir ; that is moft 
 to the purpofe : Ail I can fay of him is that he 
 ieems a very civil, fmooth-fpoken gentleman. 
 
 Sir Miles. You are right, a little too oily- 
 tongu'd j that is u fault to be fure 4 hue I lhall cor- 
 rect that : I own I like a man that fpeaks his mind 
 boldly. 
 
 David. Not when it does net fall in with your 
 own, father. 
 
 Sir Miles. Peace> puppy ! I'm now coming to 
 the point with you, Frederick. I have fent for you 
 home upon an affair of the (aft confequence to 
 your happinefs, and my own : Your firft love, 
 Lady Ruby, is now a free woman, and one of the 
 greateft fortunes in the kingdom. 
 
 Fred. Her fortune is no lure to me. 
 
 David. You like a man that fpeaks his mind 
 boldly. 
 
 Sir Miles. Get out of my fight ! Her fortune 
 no lure ! You was in love with her then for her 
 poverty, was you not ? You lik'd her beft when 
 you had a fair chance of ftarving with her ? 
 
 Fred. Not fo, Sir j but as you confider'd her 
 good qualities but as duft in the fcale 'till money 
 was thrown into it, I confider money but as duft 
 to duft. 
 
 Sir Miles. Your humble fervant, Sir ! You may 
 march back to your old quarters ; your head is 
 turn'd, you have fiU'd it with foreign vapor and 
 outlandifh rhodomontade. 
 
 Fred. I hope I did not go out of my own coun- 
 try to be taught the duties of a man of honor. 
 
 Sir Miles. I wifh you wou'd learn the duties of 
 
 a fun,
 
 A C M E D Y. 47 
 
 a fon, and not infult my ears with that puppily 
 word honor : I can remark you have always the 
 "honor to think differently from inej if it was 
 not for that fame honor of running counter to 
 my wilhes, you wou'd run into this lady's arms ; 
 your honor was eager enough for it, when I fcood 
 your friend, and oppos'd k. 
 
 David. Aye, father, you fpoke your rmrid boldlf 
 then, and now it's Frederick's turn to fpeak his. 
 
 Sir Miles. Saucebox ! jackanapes J impudent var- 
 tet ! If you don't inftantly r vanifh, by the horns of 
 Jugiter Amrnon, I fwear I will extinguilh you. 
 
 David. Say no more, father ! I*m off! Good 
 morning to you. Marry, I'd rather mefs with you 
 a week than a fortnight. By the horns of Jupi- 
 ter Ammon that's a good one, by the Lord 
 Harry! : [Exit. 
 
 Fred. With your permiffion, Sir, I will take my 
 kave for the prefent 
 
 Sir Miles. Sir, you may take it for everlafting 
 
 I -care not what becomes of a reprobate fon. \Exeuni 
 
 FREDERIC and DAVID.] 
 
 Ah! poor Wrangle! he has a thoufand faults, 
 but what then ? he has the grace to own them. 
 
 {Exit. 
 
 END OF ACT III. 
 
 ACT
 
 FIRST LOVE: 
 
 ACT IV. 
 
 (Lady RUBY, and SABINA &OSNY.) 
 
 Lady RUBY. 
 
 I PRY not into your fecrets, amiable Sabina ^ 
 tell me nothing that will give you pain to reveal, 
 but treat me as a friend, who needs no fpur to 
 ferve you, nor any other teftimonies of your inno- 
 cence than you carry in your countenance. 
 
 Sabina. Ah ! my dear good lady ! you are very 
 confiderate of me, and have great pity for unhappy 
 Sabina -, but it is my duty to explain to you my 
 follies as well as my misfortunes : You are too good 
 in crediting me for my innocence, but I will not 
 be a deceiver, tho y I have myfelf been facrific'd by 
 deceit. 
 
 Lady R. What do I hear ? Has Frederick 
 
 Sabina. Oh ! no, no, no ! He is perfection of a 
 man, and if he did know my wrongs, I do believe 
 he wou'd expofe his life for my rcdrefs ; therefore 
 I will not let the name of my betrayer pafs my lips, 
 for fear that it Ibou'd reach his ears. 
 
 Lady R. How's this, Sabina ? Have you been 
 wrong'd, betray 'd, and yet did you confent to Fre- 
 derick's propolal? 
 
 Sabina. Not for the univerfe wou'd I confent j 
 for I do know his heart too well, and my own 
 confcience ftill better. Ah ! my dear lady, if you 
 
 can
 
 A C O M E D Y. 49 
 
 can pity me, a ftranger, for my fufferings, what 
 muft you feel for his, when you fhall know your- 
 ielf to have been the caufe of them ? 
 
 Lady R. I ! I the caufe of them ? 
 
 Sabina. Ah ! yes indeed ; it was your marriage 
 broke his heart, his brain j he was a dying, a dif- 
 trafted man* 
 
 Lady R. How cou'd my marriage fo affe6b 
 him ? Had he not forfaken me, had he not renounced 
 me, I wou'd have fuffcr'd death ere I wou'd have 
 join'd my hand to any other man's. 
 
 Sabina. I know not how that was, I only know 
 how he did rave when his poor mind was gone, and 
 his life almoft at-the laft moment : I'm fure,ifever 
 woman was ador'd by man, you are by Mr. Frede- 
 rick; for myfelf then, if I was free (which I am not) 
 judge if I cou'd in honor marry him. 
 
 Lady R. Did he not freely offer it ? Does he not 
 ftill moft flrongly prefs it ? 
 
 Sabina. He prefies it in honor, not in heart 3 and 
 when he offer'd it he was befide himfelf with rage 
 and difappointment for the lofs of you: In fine, 
 my Lady, I do wifh I had a friend juft now, who 
 wou'd fay to Mn Frederick, that Sabina Rofny can- 
 not, if fhe wou'd, accept his hand ; and further, if 
 fhe cou'd, for his fake die wou'd not. 
 
 Lady R. And who fo fit to fay tfiat, as Sabina 
 Rofny hcrfclf ? 
 
 Sabina. Alas ! Alas ! how difficult for me, how 
 dangerous for him ! If I fhou'd fay how I was 
 treated by a certain perfon of this country (I did 
 believe all EnglilLmen were honeft) wou'd he not 
 force me to confefs- the whok ? And then Oh 
 E terrible !
 
 50 F I R S r L O V E: 
 
 terrible ! Is it not better I ftiou'd bury my fad ftory 
 in my heart, and differ in fecret ? 
 
 Lady R. A villain fhou'd be dragg'd to light, and 
 puniih'd by the world's contempt. 
 
 Sabina. Let his own confcience be his punifh- 
 nnent ! Tho' he has ruin'd me, bafely betray'd me 
 by a pretended marriage, and then cruelly aban- 
 don'd me ; what can I fay or do ? Shall a poor alien 
 like me contend with power like his ? Your laws 
 will not redrefs mej my religion is not his religion: 
 I know not who is that Italian monk that married 
 us ; I know not where to find him ; or, if I cou'd, 
 what then ? My Lord wou'd little care for that. 
 
 Lady R. My Lord mail care j doubt not but 
 there are means to make him care, and feel and 
 tremble for his character, which public fame fhall 
 blaft thro' all the world, unlefs he does you right. 
 
 Sabim* But you don't know him ; I did fay too 
 much when 1 faid unawares " my Lord," but yet I 
 have not nam'd him. 
 
 Lady R. I know his name, his nature too I know, 
 and how fufceptible he is of the world's fame, how 
 quick of feeling. Am I not right, Sabina? is he 
 not very, very Senfitive ? 
 
 Sabina. Ah ! (Jhrieks) You are magicienne. 
 
 Lady R. Come, come, you fee you might as well 
 have trufted me at once ; I've fathom'd your deep 
 fecret. Be now convinc'd, Sabina, a man cannot 
 do wrong in this country, and efcape difcovery j in 
 the next place affure yourfelf Lord Senfitive is not 
 that man, who can offend without atoning for it : 
 Honor belongs to him (till, tho' he can fhift it off 
 a while, but nakednefs will foon fliame him into 
 x wearing
 
 A C O M E D Y. 51 
 
 wearing it again. Hark! we have a vifitor per- 
 haps you'll vvifh to ponder on thefe things in pri- 
 vate. 
 
 Sabina. I pray you let me retire my heart is very 
 full. [Exit; 
 
 ( Lord SENSITIVE, Lady RUBY. ) 
 
 Lord S. If I am too bold in approaching you 
 without fpecial permiilion, your fervants are in the 
 fault, who faid they had orders to admit me with- 
 out refer ve. 
 
 Lady R. They told you truth j you may remem- 
 ber I faid my doors were open to all perfons of ho- 
 nor i and who fulfils that character more com- 
 pletely than Lord Senfitive ? 
 
 Lord S. But might I not have interrupted a con- 
 verfation more agreeable than Lord Senfitive's? 
 Frederick Mowbray is come home. * 
 
 Lady R. Well, if he is ? 
 
 Lord S. Then there is one more votary (and no 
 mean one, I confefs) to offer incenfe at the fhrine 
 of that divinity, whom all men worfhip, and all wo- 
 men envy. 
 
 Lady R. I cou'd give you a reafon, my Lord, 
 which I am fure you wou'd admit to be conclufive, 
 againft Mr. Mowbray's addrefling me. 
 
 Lord S. May I alk what fhou'd prevent him 
 from paying his addrefies to your ladyfhip ? 
 
 Lady R. Simply this becaufe he has pledg'd 
 them elfewhere, and is too much a man of honor 
 to violate his engagements. 
 
 Lord S. Oh ! if he is engaged elfewhere that 
 is if if he is abfolutely bound that alters the 
 cafe. 
 
 E 2 Lady
 
 52 FJ R S T L r Er 
 
 Lady R. To be fure it does : I knew you wouM 
 allow the reafon to be good ; I knew you wou'd 
 feel the force of it. 
 
 Lord S. I do indeed I feel the force of it very 
 thoroughly. 
 
 Lady R. I'm fctknVd you do, and I hope you 
 will credit me when I declare to you, upon the 
 word of truth, that if Frederrk Mowbray was the 
 one man whom I preferr'd before all men living, 
 ;fnd I knew him guilty of having pledg'd his faith 
 to another woman, whom he afterwards abandon'd, 
 ] wou'd as foonjoin hands with infamy, and be the 
 otitcaft of fociety, as with fuch a traitor. 
 
 Lord S. That that is- very ftrong, Lady Ruby, 
 and befpeaks your utter abhorrence of double- 
 dealing; bur you will permit me to obferve that 
 much wou'd depend upon who, and what the wo- 
 man was. 
 
 Lady R. I wou'd not hear of fuch a plea, and 
 you, rny Lord, v/ou'd be the laft man living to 
 allow of it; 'twou'd be a mere evafion, not a mi- 
 tigation of his guilt Every mean wretch can blaft 
 the reputation of the fond believing victim, whom 
 his unmanly cunning lias feduc'd, and his unprin- 
 cipled inconftancy defei ted. 
 
 Lord S. That is quite unanfsverable, Lady Ruby ; 
 thac brings it home to a man's confcience, I con- 
 fr fs : I have nothing to offer in defence of fuch a 
 proceeding. 
 
 Lady R. No, no, there is no fophiftry can pal- 
 liate feducYion What then wou'd you fay, if, in 
 aggravation of his wickednefs, he had abus'd her 
 credulity by a pretended marriage ? 
 
 Urd
 
 A C O M E D Y. 53 
 
 Lord S. Madam ! Madam ! Who told you 
 this ? 
 
 Lady R. Who told me ? What is it you mean ? 
 I am fuppofmg a cafe, and did you underftand I 
 was ftating a fad ? I hope there is no one (of my 
 acquaintance at lead) whofe confcience can plead 
 guilty to a charge like this ; if there is, I am lure 
 Frederick Mow bray is not the man, So now your 
 Lordfhip fees I have fet you perfectly at your eafe 
 about him. 
 
 Lord S. I cannot fay, Madam, I am juft now 
 perfectly at my eafe. 
 
 Lady R. Why how now, my good Lord ! I 
 think I have been tolerably explicit. 
 
 Lord S. Yes, yes, I don't complain of that j I 
 perfectly underftand you. 
 
 Lady R. Well then, what ails you ? 
 Lord S. Oh ! I have many ails. 
 Lady R. What other phantom have you conjured 
 up ? Come, come, you are very dull company ; I 
 fnall not let you in another time^ if you are fuch a 
 melancholy gentleman, 
 
 Lord S, 1 will afk to be admitted to you but 
 once more, before I take my leave for ever. I moft 
 heartily beg your pardon for all the foolifh things 
 I have faid or done fince I had the honor of know- 
 ing you : I was betray 'd into involuntary admira- 
 tion 3 it is not eafy to reflect within the fphere or 
 your attraction, but I have regain'd my fenfes, and 
 lhall be out of England before three days are at 
 an end. 
 
 Lady R. Aye, fo you fay ; but this is one of 
 your freaks : however, I conjure you let me fee you 
 before you go Promife me this 
 
 E 3 Lord
 
 54 F 1 R S r L V E: 
 
 Lord S. I promife. 
 
 Lady R. Upon your honor? 
 
 LcrdS. Solemnly I promife Then you fliall 
 know me better. \Exeunt Jeverally. 
 
 SCENE, <Tbe Street. 
 ( DAVID, meeting BILLY BUSTLER. ) 
 
 David. Ah! Billy, my fine fellow, how fares it 
 with you ? 
 
 Billy B. I don't know whether I fliall fpeak to 
 you ; I am not fure I (hall acknowledge you. 
 
 David. Heyday! what's in the wind now, my 
 heart of oak ? What have I done to offend you ? 
 
 Billy B. What have you done ? Inquire of fifter 
 Kate ; fhe'll let you know what you have done, 
 and fet her claws into your face at the fame time 
 for your doings. You have brought a naughty 
 woman into our houfc. 
 
 David. 'Tis falfe. 
 
 Billy B. Don't fay fo ! I have proof pofitive. 
 She a virtuous fuffering innocent? She to be mar- 
 ried to your brother Mowbray? No fuch thing, 
 friend David ; fhe is married already, and your 
 honorable brother has made free to (leal a march 
 with another man's wife. 
 
 David. I'll tell you what, Billy, in one word 
 either prove what you fay, prove it upon the fpot, 
 or fall to your prayers and take leave of life, for 
 damn me if you don't tread upon your grave ! 
 
 Billy B. Read then, and be convinc'd Here is a 
 trinket fifter Kate found in her drawer after fhe had 
 left us : 'tis the portrait of fome gentleman ; his 
 name is not to it, but fee what is infcribed at the 
 back.
 
 A C O M E D Y. 55 
 
 David. Give it me, give it me I fhou'd know 
 this face. Aha ! my Lord, have I difcover'd you ? 
 Now for the writing at the back, " The hufbandof 
 theforfaken Sabina /"-^-Damnation ! Does the world 
 contain fuch villainy ? I'll make him fwallow it, 
 aye and digeft it, ere I fuffer my poor brother to be 
 fo abus'd. 
 
 Billy B. Why, you aftonifh me; I never cou'd 
 have thought 
 
 David. Mark me! Don't think at all, for this 
 bufmefs belongs to me j your only part is to be in- 
 violably fecret, hufht as death, till I have lifted it 
 to the minuted grain : That done, I will report to 
 you the particulars, and then, as I am fure my 
 brother's honor will come out clear as the light, 
 you muft revoke every fyllable you have utter'd in- 
 jurious to his reputation. 
 
 Billy B. Aye, aye, revoke one of us muft re- 
 voke; for I'll fwear there is a foul trick fome- 
 where. So your humble fervant. [Exit, 
 
 David. Now which tack (hall I be upon? 
 Whether to begin firft with Madame or Monfieur, 
 (for I am pofitive this leering traitor is Lord Sen r 
 fitive) or, firft and foremoft, to make fure of my 
 poor Frederick, and fnatch him from the fnare, is 
 a queftion that I need not debate upon, for here 
 he comes. How now, Fred, whither bound ? 
 
 ( FREDERICK, enters.) 
 
 Fred. In your phrafe I anfwer, on a dangerous 
 coaft ; I believe I am ram enough to be going to 
 Lady Ruby. 
 
 David. I believe not. 
 
 Fred. Why do you fay that 5 !& 
 
 E 4 David,
 
 56- F I R S r L O V : 
 
 David. Becaufe I think your ramnefs will not 
 attempt to make its paflage thro' my body, and 
 there is no other road. 
 
 Fred. I comprehend you, and I take your mo- 
 tive in good part : You fee my weaknefs, you per- 
 ceive I am relapfing into my former pafiion for 
 Lady Ruby, and you tremble for the honor I have 
 pledg'd to Sabrina Rofny. 
 
 David. You are right ; I tremble for your ho- 
 nor, I plant myfelf between you and ruin j and I 
 conjure you, nay, I compel you to turn back with 
 me from that houfe, which will elfe be the tomb of 
 your happinefs, your fortune, and your fame. 
 
 Fred. Explain yourfelf. 
 
 David. I cannot now; I will hereafter. A nfwer 
 me this, are you married to the Frenchwoman ? 
 
 Fred. I am not. 
 
 David. Thank Heaven ! 
 
 Fred. Speak of her however more re fpe6l fully, 
 if you mean we mould be friends, 
 
 David. Friends, friends ! Who dares to call my 
 friendfhip into queftion, when I have pledg'd it to 
 a brother ? I am no trifler, Frederick. 
 
 Fred. I will not treat you as fuch, but follow 
 you as my guardian genius, fent to fnatch me from 
 difgrace j for, alas! I muft confefs to you I am loft 
 if I behold that fyren, who firft took pofiefiion of 
 my foul. Come, let us fly ! Whither mall we go ? 
 Carry me to my fitter. 
 
 David. To your fifter then ! Hav'nt you feen 
 her yet ? 
 
 Fred. Not I j Lady Ruby, Lady Ruby is the 
 loadilone that draws away every particle of fteel 
 
 that
 
 A C O M E D Y. 57 
 
 that fhou'd fortify my heart, and leaves it weaker 
 than a woman's tear. 
 
 David. What's all that, brother? A kind of 
 gabble I don't deal in, nor aim to understand : Let 
 fpeak for me. Come along. 
 
 (Me Houfe of Mr. WRANGLE. ) 
 ( Mr. WRANGLE, ff caking to a Servant. ) 
 
 Mr. W. Tell your miflrefs I wou'd fpeak with 
 her before me goes out. Hold ! I fee (he is com- 
 ingLeave me. ['#//: Seruanf. 
 
 ( Mrs. WRANGLE enters. ) 
 
 So, Madam, you are on the wing, I perceive : Have 
 you any very prefiing engagements on your hands ? 
 
 Mrs*W. Half a hundred. 
 
 Mr. W. And fuppofe I had. a wifh to engrofs a 
 few minutes of your converfation, how many of 
 thefe very prefling engagements wou'd you di-fpenfe 
 with at my requeft ? 
 
 Mrs. W. Ridiculous ! What converfation can 
 you want with me ? 
 
 Mr. W. A very ferious one, be aflur'd j there- 
 fore, with your leave, I will difmifs your equipage, 
 and in place of half a hundred frivolous vifits, re- 
 commend you a more profitable method of dif- 
 pofing of your time with me. (He is going.) 
 
 Mrs. W. Hold, Sir ! are you mad ? 
 
 Mr. MP. No, Madam, I am, not mad - t nor will I 
 fuffer you to act as if you were. 
 
 Mrs. W. Do you mean to make your houfe my 
 prifon ? Shall I not be allow'd Co vifit my own 
 father I 
 
 9 Mr.
 
 5$ FIR S f L V E: 
 
 Mr. W. By all means your father : I'll go with 
 you to Sir Miles myfclf. 
 
 Mrs. W. You are a bold man, Mr. Wrangle, 
 if you will venture to face that accufation, which 
 I fliall prefer againft you : I fhou'd doubt if your 
 hypocrify will bear you out with my too -credulous 
 father any longer. 
 
 Mr. W. Try it, Mrs. Wrangle ; I fhall refort 
 to no hypocrify ; truth will ferve my purpofe. 
 
 Mrs. W. Are you fure of that ? Shan't you feel 
 a little awkward in attempting fo very new an ex- 
 periment? I rather think your intereft lies in a 
 quarter oppofite to truth. 
 
 Mr. W. I believe, Madam, you will find it 
 pretty ftrong in a quarter you don't fufpect : If 
 you are wife, you will be filent j Sir Miles Mow- 
 bray knows you. 
 
 Mrs. W. From your report, I defy him or any 
 perfon elfe to know me, for your malice is too 
 grofs to efcape detection, and your wit too dull to 
 make even fcandal entertaining. 
 
 ( SERVANT enters. ) 
 
 Serv. Mr. Frederick and Mr. David Mowbray. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 ( FREDERICK and DAVID enter. ) 
 Mrs. W. There, there ! My protectors are at 
 hand. Welcome, my dear Frederick ! Welcome 
 to England ! Welcome to the refcue of your poor 
 imprifon'd fitter, whofe heart panted to be with 
 you, but whofe tyrant hufband, loft to all human 
 feelings, wou'd not fuffer her to depart from his 
 doors! 
 
 Fred. What is all this ? Can you explain it, Sir ? 
 'David. Oh, yes ! he can explain any thing. 
 
 Fred.
 
 A C O M E D Y. 59 
 
 1 Fred. How greatly I am fhock'd, I need not lay. 
 I came to give you both a joyful greeting ; I am 
 faluted by one party with a flaming accufatidn, by 
 the other with a fullen referve. What am I to 
 lay ? 
 
 Mr. W. The lefs the better, between man and 
 wife. I hope, gentlemen, you do not combine to 
 over- a we me in my own houfe. 
 
 David. Step out of ic then with me : the open 
 air is common property, and we will talk together 
 man to man. 
 
 Mr. W. I lhall do no fuch thing : It is enough 
 for me that I am married to your filler j I am not 
 bound to rifk my life againft her brothers. 
 
 Fred. It will not be requir'd of you, Mr. Wran- 
 gleMy brother David is too quick; and I am 
 furtf, when I tell him it is my particular requeft, 
 he will have the kindnefs to withdraw. 
 
 David. With all my heart, for I never wifh to 
 be under the fame roof with the man I defpife. 
 
 Fred. Hufh, hulh ! Impetuous boy ! 
 
 David. Harkye, Frederick, a word in your ear- 
 Don't quarrel with him ; he's below your anger. 
 I am going to Lady Ruby ; come to me there j I 
 have thought better of it fince I prevented you 
 a while ago, and have a fccret to communicate 
 worth a king's ranfom Don't fail me. And, look! 
 by Saint George and the Dragon, here comes 
 my father, a joyful witnefs to the happinefs of a 
 match of his own making. [Exit. 
 
 (Sir MILES MOWER AY enters. ) 
 
 Sir Miles. What does the puppy prattle about ? 
 Mrs. W. Oh Sir, Sir ! don't reprove him for his 
 
 generous'
 
 &> FIRST LOVE: 
 
 generous indignation againft a cruel huiband, who 
 opprefles and infults your poor fuffering daughter, 
 'till, no longer able to endure her forrows and his ty- 
 ranny, Hie is compell'd to caft herfelf at your feet, 
 and implore your pity and protection. 
 
 Sir M. I'm thundei (truck ! I'm petrified ! This 
 is one fault more, Wrangle, than I thought you 
 had. 
 
 Fred. Rife, fitter, rife ! You are too vehement 
 in your remonftrance ; I muft believe it is not in 
 this gentleman's nature to opprefs or infult an un- 
 offending wife, which I hope you are ; and I am 
 heartily forry you make our father a party in your 
 little domeftic fquabbles, which might eafily be ad- 
 jufled without his privity. 
 
 Sir Miles. Give me your hand, Frederick, you 
 fpeak like an angel. I am friends with you from 
 this moment for ever. 
 
 Mr. IV. Thro* the favor of Mr. Mowb~ay f s 
 temperate interpofition, for which I am greatly be- 
 holden to him, I flatter myfelf I may now have 
 leave to fpeak. 
 
 Sir Miles. By all means, Mr. Wrangle, by all 
 means ; no man fpeaks better, when his own faults 
 are the topic, and J do not forget the promife I 
 have made you. 
 
 Mr. W. To that promife I now appeal. The 
 caufe of Mrs. Wrangle's complaint is limply this 
 She had ordered her coach to make half a hundred 
 idle vifits, and I, in the expectation of her brother's 
 coming, wou'd fain have prevail'd with her to flay 
 at home and receive him. 
 
 Mrs. IV* Monftrous prevarication ! 
 
 Sir
 
 A C O M E D Y. 61 
 
 Sir Miles. Hulh, child, hufh ! A frnall ftretch 
 upon the truth would have been a fofter phrafe. 
 
 Mr. W. Now, Sir Miles, if you recoiled: what I 
 hinted to you about your daughter's temper 
 
 Sir Miles. About my daughter's temper ! What 
 is it you mean ? I heard a pretty many broad hints 
 of your own temper, but not one of my daughter's. 
 Mr. W. Of my temper, Sir? No; whatever 
 faults there may be in my temper, I owe no account 
 of them to you ; becaufe, if you had taken the 
 Imalieft pains to know me before I married Mifs 
 Mowbray, you mufl have feen and confefs'd I was 
 the Jaft perfon living to make her happy, or be 
 happy with her. 
 
 Sir Miles. I wifh you had imparted that to me in 
 good time Your intelligence, Mr. Wrangle,' is 
 rather of the lateft. 
 
 Mrs. IV. It is very true, Sir ; and had you given 
 me leave to chufe a hufband for myfelf, Mr. 
 Wrangle, be afiur'd, is juft the very laft man in 
 exiftence, on whom I fhou'd have fix'd my choice. 
 Sir Miles. Heyday ! why then did you both 
 agree in perfuading me you were the happieft, 
 fondeft couple in all England ? 
 
 Mrs. W. You perfuaded yourfelf : We were mi- 
 ferable enough methinks not to be miftaken. 
 
 Mr. W. 'Tis very true : Mrs. Wrangle herfelf 
 will do me the juftice to fay I never pretended to 
 be happy with her. 
 
 Mrs. W. No, no, we had both a very fovereign 
 diflike for each other : 'Tis the only point we ever 
 agreed in. 
 
 Sir Miles. Your mod obedient humble fervant f 
 I am very much oblig'd to you both; and as you fo 
 
 lovingly
 
 62 FIRSrLOFE: 
 
 lovingly agree in laying all your faults upon me, I 
 leave you in a perfect flate of harmony with each 
 other and I pray Heaven you may live long to 
 enjoy it ! [Exif. 
 
 Fred. Sifter, fitter, make it up, I conjure you ; 
 where there is blame on both fides, you ihould ex- 
 change forgivenefs. [Exit. 
 
 (Mr. and Mrs. WRANGLE, after a paufe. ) 
 
 Mr. W. Mrs. Wrangle Love ! 
 
 Mrs. W. Mr. Wrangle My dear ! 
 
 Mr. W. I begin to think 
 
 Mrs. W. What do you begin to think ? 
 
 Mr. W. That we have expos'd ourfelves very 
 fufHciendy. 
 
 Mrs. W. Quite enough in all confcience. Why 
 would you complain to my father ? 
 
 Mr. W. Why wou'd you complain to your bro- 
 ther ? 
 
 Mrs. W. We were both to blame : Complaints 
 are very foolifh. 
 
 Mr. W. Then away with them at once, fay I. 
 
 Mrs. W. For ever ! Let us forbear to gratify 
 our friends, by never publiming our difagree- 
 ments. 
 
 Mr. W. And cure the world of its contempt, by 
 never calling upon it for its pity. 
 
 Mrs. W. Agreed ! Here's rny hand upon it. 
 
 Mr. W. And here's my heart ; to which I prefs 
 you with the warm affection of a hufband, that will 
 never cool. 
 
 Mrs. IV. And I return it with the love and duty 
 of a wife, who will never create a murmur, nor 
 utter one again. 
 
 Mr.
 
 A C O M E D Y. 6j 
 
 Mr. W. Why this is happinefc without hypo- 
 crify. 
 
 Mrs. W. Perfeft felicity unfeign'd. 
 Mr. W. Oh ! joyous hufband ! 
 Mrs. W. Oh ! tranfported wife ! 
 
 [Exeunt, band in band. 
 
 
 EHD OF ACT IV. 
 
 
 
 ACT
 
 6* F.IRSTLO V E: 
 
 ACT V. 
 ' tidy RUBY, meeting DAVID. ) 
 
 Lady RUBY. 
 
 OUT upon you, falfe Joon \ What can you 
 fay for yourfelf, for not having been near me 
 thefe three long days ? 
 
 David. Lord ^love you, my v' ear Lady, I have 
 been brulhing up and down this great town about 
 my (bip affairs, here and there, and every where 
 And now you know brother Frederick is come 
 home. 
 
 Lady R. Oh I you fea-creature, was you half as 
 much of a lover as you are of a hero, you wou'd 
 underftand that no excufe will ferve for neglecting 
 a fond woman. 
 
 David. Always a dab for poor David but when 
 I am at fea again, and failing in the Venus, I mail 
 never caft a look upon the figure at the head with- 
 out thinking of your ladyfliip. 
 
 Lady R. That's very tine, David but come, be 
 fincere, is'nt it the bon-mot of the fhip ? Can you 
 lay your hand on your heart, and declare you never 
 faid that to any body before. 
 
 David. Never, never ; tho' I don't deny but 
 others have, for I heard Joejackfon, our gunner, fay 
 it to his wife as fhe went over the fide at parting. 
 And now to my bufmefs : I have a fmall matter 
 cf property belonging to Mademoifelle Rofny, 
 which I wou'd fain deliver into her own hands. 
 
 Lady
 
 A C O M E D Y. 65 
 
 *Lady R. From your brother, we'll fuppofe- 
 
 David. I rather fuppofe not Here it is; not 
 very like Frederick is it, madam ? 
 
 Lady R. Lord Senfitive to the very life. Where 
 did you pick up this ? 
 
 David. Billy Buftler deliver'd it to me> open as 
 you fee ; they found it in her toilette, after me had 
 left the houfej 
 
 Lady R. Have yon fhewn it to your brother ? 
 
 David. I hardly thought that neceffary, as the 
 infcription on the back fliews the lady to be already 
 provided with a hufband. 
 
 Lady R. Yes, yes, I fee it. Alas ! pocr Sabina ! 
 this confirms her own fad ftory, and his lordfhip's 
 guilt. 
 
 David. Does it not do fomething mort than that, 
 if the lady has been carrying on defigns upon my 
 brother-? 
 
 Lady R. There you do her wrong. Who waits ? 
 (Enter Servant.} Tell Mademoifelle Rofny I 
 tdefire to fpeak with her. (Exit Strvant.) She 
 has no defigns upon your brother, but in the 
 *noft decided manner has declin'd his honorable 
 offers. If fhe has withheld the fecret from him 
 hitherto, it is fimply becaufe (lie wou'd not involve 
 him with Lord Senlitive. Oh ! here fhe comes ! 
 
 (SABINA ROSNY enters.) 
 
 My dear, this young officer is your friend Mr. 
 Mowbray's brother I don't know if you have met 
 before. 
 
 Sabixa* I do not remember to have had thac 
 honor. 
 
 La<!y R. He has fomething In charge to return 
 
 to you, from the good people in whofe houfe he 
 
 F procurM
 
 66 FIRSfLOFE! 
 
 procur'd you a reception. Do you recollect hav- 
 ing left any (mall article of your property behind 
 you ? 
 
 Sabina. A picture I have been fearching for it 
 every where. 
 
 David. I am happy to reftore it to you, and wifh 
 I cou'd at the fame time reftore the original to a 
 fenfe of his honor, for I feel it as a difgrace to my- 
 felf to own him for my countryman. 
 
 Sabina. It is fo your brother wou'd have faid, if 
 ke had feen it ; which I hope he has not. 
 
 David. No, no, madam ; man to man is a fair 
 Knatch ; there is no need of two mailers to teach 
 one worthlefs individual his duty. My fword is at 
 your fervice. 
 
 Sabina. Heaven forbid I fhou'd employ your 
 fword, when your country has fuch need of it ! In 
 defending that you defend me, and thoufands like 
 me, who refuge in its generous protection. 
 
 ( A Servant enters, and whiff ers Mr. DAVID. ) 
 
 David. Very well ! I'll come to him. 
 
 "Lady R. What does he tell you ? 
 
 David. My brother is below. 
 
 Lady R. My dear Sabina, do your fpirits ferve. 
 you for an interview with Mr. Mowbray ? 
 
 Sabina. Aid me, my good lady, and I will do my 
 poffible. 
 
 Lady R. Say to Mr. Mowbray, we requeft the 
 favor of his company. (Exit Servant) Now, my 
 brave lad, recoiled we are not to aggravate your 
 brother's mind againft Lord Senfitive, for whom I 
 take upon myfelf to anfweri and you, Sabina a 
 
 whofc
 
 A COMEDY. -67 
 
 whofe gentle bofom has long labor'd with a painful 
 fecret, be afiur'd one fhort and final effort will con- 
 clude your fufTerings, and reftore you to your 
 peace. 
 
 ( FREDERICK MOWBRAY enters. ) 
 
 Lady R. Mr. Mowbray, we rejoice to fee you. 
 
 Fred. I have obey'd your ladymip's commands. 
 
 Lady R. You wou'd greatly have difappointed 
 our wilhes, if you had not. You fee I have your 
 amiable fellow-traveller in fafe keeping; how I 
 have fulfill'd my truil, and whether I deferve a fur- 
 ther continuation of it, you have a right to know, 
 and me will take occafion df informing you. 
 
 Fred. I cannot doubt your kindnefs, nor her 
 proper fenfe of it. 
 
 David. Lord ! brother ! how you ftand ! Oh ! 
 that I might but fpeak ! 
 
 Fred. Sabina, I am prepar'd to expefl fome dif- 
 covery from you, that I am interefted to be in- 
 form'd of: I rely upon your candor for the fulleft 
 fatisfaction, but if you wou'd confult my feelings, 
 you will afk permifiion of Lady Ruby that we may 
 retire. 
 
 Sabina. As it mail be your will, fo am I But if 
 my lady, who knows my fad hiftory, and how I am 
 embarras to relate it, wou'd have pity for my 
 confufion 
 
 Fred. Oh ! Sabina, Sabina ! you know not what 
 you alk, nor fee the ruin you invite upon yourfelf 
 and me. If you wou'd wifh to preferve my fenfes, 
 patiently to hear and honorably to decide, take me 
 from hence wkhout a moment's lofs. 
 
 F 2 Satina.
 
 tt FIRST L O r : 
 
 Sabixta, Come then with me; your happineft* 
 my beft of friends, is as my own. 
 
 Lady R~ Stop, if you pleafe this room itf 
 your*s David and I have fomething to difcufs 
 cKewhere, 
 
 David. I wifli you'd let me lay it here A little 
 pkin failing would bring us all to the point. 
 
 Fred. Are you offended with me, lovelieft of 
 women? 
 
 Lady R. Not much, not quite paft reconciliation 
 a litde, it may be, a very little angry but if 
 you are diipos'd to make peace, here is my 
 hand! 
 
 Fred. Oh! Heavens! my foul finks in it. 
 Where, where are you, Sabina ? 
 
 [Ex&mt Ladj RUIY axd DAVID* 
 
 Sa&xa. You are alarm'd for me, my dear dear 
 fiiend, without a cauie. It is my wifli, my prayer, 
 irty iupplicatioft to Heaven for you, that you rr.ay 
 be bldl and happy all your long life wirh that 
 charming iady. 
 
 freJ. Sabina, what have you a mind to make 
 of rne ? a villain, a betrayer of my word and faith I 
 or a diftra&ed huJband -without heart or head"? 
 
 Sa&ui. Hufband! tlrat cannot be. I tell yoa 
 now in verity, as I did tell you before, you cannot 
 be my huftwnd, feecaufe becauie Ah me ! ah 
 me! How fhatt I fpeak it ? I am much afhained 
 
 Fred. Speak, I befeech you ! 
 
 &?aa, Becaufe 1 am already married* 
 
 Fr&l* Married! it cannot be! Married! Be- 
 ware, Sabina ; folemnfy I adjure you to reflect that 
 my unalcerabk purpofe cannot be dilpens'd with. 
 
 ? if,
 
 A C O M E D Y. 69 
 
 I becaufe you fee me combating a padlon that teas 
 once my mafter, you fuppofe me conquer'd, you 
 miftake : my faith, my honor, my confirmed expe* 
 rience of your virtues never can be fluken, be the 
 trial ever fo fevere. 
 
 Salf'ma. I pray you pardon my poor mode of ipeak- 
 ing, but I do feel your goodnefs at my heart Indeefi, 
 indeed I do j and be not angry with me, my good 
 friend, for that I did not tell you this before, but 
 is true no lefs I am a wife I will not lay a 
 happy one, for it was not for me to find a heart 
 like your's ; but I will hope the beft, for I have 
 not merited to be forfaken. 
 
 Fred. Is there a monfter living wou'd foriak,* 
 you ? 
 
 Sabina. Oh ! yes, for I am poor My family, my 
 fortune perifh'd yet I mould not expeft a noble 
 Englifhman would make my poverty my crime, 
 when there was nothing elfe that he cou'd urge 
 againft me. 
 
 Fred. Sabina, I muft now believe that you are fe- 
 rious -, my part therefore muft change with your 
 condition : but, tho' fome obligations are difibjv'd, 
 others are left in force, which honor cannot acquit 
 rne of therefore, before I afk the name of 
 your betrayer, be he who may, I folemnly devote 
 inyfelf to your redrefs. 
 
 Sabina. Ah ! that is why I tremble to difcloie 
 his name. Oh ! my dear friend, I pray youtoex- 
 cufe me this one day. My Lady Ruby flatters me 
 with hopes all (hall be well. 
 . Fred. I muft infift upon his name. 
 
 Sabina. No, no, you will not make me more un- 
 F 3 happy
 
 70 FIRS? LOVE: 
 
 happy than I am ; you will not fure refufe my in- 
 terceflion, if I do pray you on my knees. 
 
 Fred. Hold, hold, fweet fupplicant, be not fo 
 humble ! I will not wound your tender fenfibility 
 for all the earth : Compofe yourfelf. 
 
 Sabina. Oh ! when you 'are To good to me, how 
 can I flop my tears ? 
 
 Fred. What can I fay ? what (hall I do to comfort 
 you ? 
 
 Sabina. I wifh, I wi(h, my lady was but here. 
 
 Fred* Behold ! fhe comes upon your wifh. 
 
 (Lady RUBY enters.) 
 
 Lady R. My dear, what ails you ? 
 
 Sabina. Oh, he is fo generous and fo kind to 
 poor Sabina, that my heart is fit to break : I do 
 think he is the beft man living, and 1 do know he 
 loves you, my fweet lady Heaven ! iow he does 
 love you ! Will you, then, be very angry with me, 
 if I fhall be fo bold to fay, you are the only lady 
 upon earth that does deferve him. 
 
 Lady R. Oh ! you feducing creature, that is not 
 his opinion; for there is only this diftinclion between 
 your fate and mine, that Frederick ran from me 
 before marriage, Lord Senfitive from you after it. 
 
 Fred.. Lord Sen fuive ! I'm thunderflruck. 
 
 Sabina. Ah ! what have you faid ? 
 
 Lady R. Was it a fecret ? 
 
 Fred. So help me Heaven, I cannot name the 
 man, whofe honor I wou'd fo implicitly have 
 vouqh'd for as Lord Senfitive, 
 
 Lady R. And he'll redeem his honor, be af- 
 furU 
 
 Frsd,
 
 A C O M E D Y. 71 
 
 Fred. Yes, or his life muft anfwer it. I know 
 him well, brave, generous, quick to feel and to re- 
 fent each breath that glances at his fame Either 
 there is fome error in his brain, or elfe fome vil- 
 lainous traducer has impos'd on his credulity I'll 
 probe him to the heart. 
 
 Lady R. Ah, Frederick ! there are certain cafes 
 of the heart, which women are fuppos'd to treat bet- 
 ter than men Leave this to me; if he does not re- 
 ceive his cure frpm under my hands, I'll then confent 
 to turn him over as a defperate cafe to you. 
 
 [Loud knocking. 
 That muft be Lord Senfitive. 
 
 Sabina. Ah mifericorde ! what will now come of 
 me ! 
 
 Lady R. Away, away ! take your fair protegee 
 off the field, and leave it clear for me. On your 
 allegiance, Frederick, ftir not from your poft till I 
 relieve you. \Exeunt FREDERICK and SABINA. 
 
 Now, confcience 3 take our part ! 'tis your own 
 C aufe, fupport it. 
 
 (Lord SENSITIVE enters.) 
 
 LordS. Lady Ruby, I have remember 'd my 
 promife ; and as I know your late impreflive words 
 were pointed at my heart, I beg leave to alTure you 
 they have reach'd it. When 1 fay I am your con- 
 vert, need I add that I am prepar'd to make atone- 
 ment to Sabina Rofny ? 
 
 Lady R. I congratulate your lordihip on that re- 
 folution, and am perfuaded you can only find your 
 happinefs where you have left your honor. 
 
 F Lord
 
 71 F I R S r L O V E: 
 
 LordS. I'll not attempt to varnifli my mifdeeds. 
 I acknowledge that Sabina Rofny has every requi- 
 fite of merit, birth, and beauty, to engage and fix 
 my heart. When I left heron a fudden call to 
 England, I was not guilty of a purpofe to defert 
 herj my promife of a fpeedy return was (incerely 
 given- but in the interim what fhall I fay ? Your 
 candor mufl fupply the reft. 
 
 Lad) > R, We'll talk not of the paft: Sabina's 
 candor, and your lordfhip's better thoughts, as foon 
 as you fhall meet, will bury all offences in oblivion. 
 
 Lord S. You predict flatteringly, but I have 
 many anxiou^ hours to pafs before that meeting. 
 
 Lady R. Tis a long diftance between this anil 
 Padua ; but if your reiblution is made up 
 
 Lord S, Unalterably I fhall fet out within this 
 hour. 
 
 Lady R. Wait a few moments, then j and tho' I 
 cannot promife you a wind, as witches did of old, 
 I'll do my bed to give you a quick paflage. Sic 
 down ; your fylph fhall be at your elbow before you 
 can wdl draw a figh. [Exit. 
 
 Lord S. What can (he mean ? what project has 
 her active fancy fprung, to back this bold profcf- 
 fion f Hark ! I hear her. Well, fair fylph, I 
 keep my poft, and wait your promis'd favor. Hah ! 
 what now ? -Sabina ! Heaven uphold me ! frorrj 
 what cloud have you droptdown on earth ? 
 
 ( SAEIX A enters. ) 
 Sabina. My lord 1 my hufband ! 
 Lord S, Come to my arms ! Oh unexpected joy ! 
 Now we will part no more. 
 
 Sabiua. Indeed ! will you not forfake your poor 
 
 Sabin^
 
 A C O M E D Y. 73 
 
 Sabina any more ? Ah! what fad moments I have 
 pafs'd, counting the hours for your return, day after 
 day, but all in vain. No lord, no letter, no hope 
 lefc at laft, no country to receive me, no paivnts, 
 brothers, friends to fly to : miferable me ! I did be- 
 lieve I was renounc'd of Providence, and deftin'd to 
 defpair. 
 
 LordS. Oh my much-injur'd, my acknowledg'd 
 wife ! 
 
 Sabina. That has fweet found with it : my heart 
 is comforted, 
 
 LordS. My life ill all be devoted to atonement. 
 Truft me, my fweet Sabina, 'tis not my nature to 
 be bafe or cruel : once reftor'd to your forgivenefs 
 (and methinks your eyes promife me that) I will 
 effend no more. 
 
 Sabina. I know not how to call it an offence, for 
 what am I > ? My fortune nothing, my nobility a fha- 
 dow a heart to honor you is all that I can boaft. 
 How, then, can I be angry, if, when return'd to 
 your own happy country, where fo many fairer la- 
 dies court your attention, you forgot poor, humble, 
 loft Sabina ? But of this no more I have a friend, 
 an honorable, noble friend, to whom I owe this 
 happy meeting j 1 muft take you to him give me 
 your hand. 
 
 Lord S. My heart and hand. Thus led by virtue, 
 and reilor'd to reafon, I am a man again. 
 
 Scene changes. 
 
 (Sir MILES MOWBRAY, and Mr*. WRANGLE.) 
 Sir Miles. Well, Sir, 'tis your own concern; 
 if you are contented with each, it's a proof you are 
 
 ibon
 
 74 FIRST LOPE: 
 
 foon pleas'd. Quarrel when you like, and make 
 it up how you can, you have my free leave. I 
 find by late experience that the man, who thinks 
 for more heads than he carries on his own moulders, 
 lays out care for himfelf, and reaps no thanks for 
 his kindnefs. 
 
 Mr. W. Believe me, my good Sir Miles 
 
 Sir Miles. Pardon me, my good Sir Caleb ; 
 that is a weaknefs I am cur'd of. I was the dupe 
 of credulity, when I believ'd you wou'd make my 
 daughter happy, and when I took your word for 
 your being fo: I was the verieft dolt in crea- 
 tion, when I thought I could either qualify your 
 failings, or compofe your fquabbles. I pray you, 
 Sir, be hufband and wife in your own way, and 
 never let me be middle man between you, hence- 
 forth and for ever. 
 
 (Mrs. WRANGLE enters.) 
 
 fyirs. W. Oh ! my dear, dear father ! this is at 
 length a joyful meeting. 
 
 Sir Miles. I am glad to hear it what am I to 
 be joyful for ? 
 
 Mrs. IV. For the total and compleat extinction 
 of all poflible difienfions between my beloved antj 
 myfelf*. 
 
 Sir Miles. If he is your beloved, keep that a fe- 
 cret to yourfelf ; at leaft don't infift upon my believ- 
 ing it. 
 
 Mrs. W. Nay, furely you'll believe me, and 
 rejoice when I tell you that my ever- dear Mr, 
 Wrangle 
 
 Sir Miles. Child, child, your fondlings make me 
 fick, and your feuds make me fad ; therefore let me 
 have no more of either, I befeech you. 
 
 7 ( FREDERICK
 
 A C O M E P Y. 7 $ 
 
 ( FREDERICK and DAVID enter.) 
 
 Welcome, welcome I Frederick, give me you. 
 hand ; I have to alk your pardon for my folly, 
 in fuppofmg I had a right over your affections, 
 firft, by diverting them from the woman of your 
 heart, and fecondly by directing them towards her; 
 and all my wonder is you had the patience to liftert 
 to my nonfenfical authority in either inftance. I 
 have alfo an apology to make to that amiable lady 
 for a moft impertinent vifit. 
 
 Fred. That amiable hdy thinks the apology ra- 
 ther due for her reception of you, than for your 
 yifit to her ; and before many minutes are gone 
 by, I exped me will be here to tell you fo. 
 
 Sir Miles. I can't believe it, Freddy ; I won't 
 believe it j tis a happinefs above my hopes.' HQW 
 now, Robert, how now ? 
 
 ( ROBERT enters haftily. ) 
 
 Robert. Sir ! your honor ! ihe's a-coming, (he's 
 a-cgming up the flairs 
 
 Sir Miles. Who's a coming ? 
 
 Robert, Sir, the lady the lady I mall forget 
 my own name my young mailer knows who I 
 mean. (Exit ROBERT.) [FREDERICK goes out to 
 
 receive Lady RUBY. 
 
 ( Lady RUBY, Lord SENSITIVE, and SABINA enter. ) 
 
 Sir Miles. My Lady Ruby, this is indeed an ho- 
 nor and a happinefs and a My Lord, I am 
 your moft obedient; may I requeft to be made 
 known to this fair ftranger ? 
 
 Lord S. This fair ftranger, Sir Miles, whom I 
 Jvave the honor to call wife, is ambitious to pay her 
 
 compli-
 
 j6 FIRS.? L O V.E: 
 
 Compliments to the father of her oefl friend, 
 my greateft benefactor, 
 
 Sal'ma. Yes, truly, Sir, I am very happy to make 
 BHT humble obeifance to 7017, for the fake of your 
 Jrofiorable fen, myvtry good friend, Mr. Frederick. 
 M owbray j for whofe favors I Save not she words 
 a fpieak 'my gratitude, sho*' I have a. heart, thst 
 mill never ceaie to fetl them. 
 
 LordS. If fiich be your grsstkude, lovely Sabina, 
 what foou'd mine fee to thofe friends of houor, -who. 
 ?iave reftor r d you to my heart, and blefs'd rne vmh 
 2 profpecl of that ftate of happmefs> which I truly-' 
 'Itopc the married part of tl^is company will conti- 
 noe to enjoy, and the mimarried snake hafte to ob- 
 tain ? 
 
 David. Brother Wrangle, there's one wHh for 
 you and my fifter,part it between you. And, bro- 
 iher Freden'ck r was I as you> I wou'd drop dowa 
 on both knees to my fweet Lady Ruby> and be^ 
 to go halves in the other wifh with her. 
 
 Serbia. And if my prayers cou r d profit for his 
 fcke, 1 wou'd kneel and pray, till ibme kind faint, 
 that favors virtuous love, fhoii'd hear me. 
 
 Fral. (kneeling) Oh J more than ever-dear, long- 
 lofty lamented, and defpaiy'd of even to diftraclion ; 
 has your once -tender heart, wean'd by time, or all-? 
 cnatcd by fufpicion, forgot its former feelings ? 
 
 Lady R. Rife, Frederick, explanations of this 
 nature fhou'd.be private ; yet I will freely own, io. 
 prefcKce of this company, 'twas the abrupt and fe- 
 cret manner of your leaving me, which I could not 
 reconcile to that generous fenfibility I gave you 
 creiftt for. Did you write me one letter from 
 abroad?' 
 
 Fui.
 
 A C O M E D Y. 77 
 
 Several, many. Did you anfwerone? 
 
 Ladj R. As truth fkall judge me, notalbeof 
 yow's ev-er reached my hands. 
 
 DavuL I wifh to my foulih-ey had pas*d through 
 mine ; I wou'd have iiak'd my iife for the delivery 
 of them. Father, I iho'd dike to know ifany.body 
 Iiere prefent cou'd give an account of thofc fana 
 unlucky letters. 
 
 Sir Miles. Say no more, lay no more My ctm- 
 fcience flies in my ace: but a raaa can do no more 
 Shan own it. 
 
 Fred. I have done This only let me aiTert, m 
 vindication of che iruxh, that I ceas'd not from die 
 fcendereit expoOnalacions on your liJence, 
 yotj to keep me ih your thoughts, and 
 eternal conftancy <m ony part, till I Jieard j^oa was 
 framed tkea I confers I was not hypocrite eoough 
 to fend you my coograiuladons iny exhai^fted Ip- 
 fits funk under the fhock ef that inte]Jigencc. 
 
 Z^^? 7^. H-ere let us paufe. You have a zealous 
 adroca :e, from whom I have heard the reft. I have 
 KOW only to apologize to Sir Miles Mowbray for 
 nqy recepttoa <ef his vifir, which if lie is not difcou- 
 rag'd to repeat, 1 can ORlyafi"ur him that the fame 
 propolil will not be treated wkii die fame ifidilfe- 
 rence. 
 
 6i'r MUes. I am infinifdy liappy to hear you lay 
 Ib; but really, Madain, I am fo conibunded and 
 afliam'd of my pall miftakes in cafes of the heart* 
 that I dare not venture upon more dian putting up 
 a prayer in fecret for your happineD, and my Ion's. 
 Hitherto I have been an ofikioui, and I &ar aa 
 unfortunate father. 
 
 Mrs.
 
 7* FIRSfLOrZ. 
 
 Mrs, 1. Suffer me for a moment to interrupt 
 your felf- reproaches, fo far at leaft as they apply to 
 me. I now declare from my foul, that if a fecond 
 choice was in my power, I would voluntarily fix it 
 where you firft dire&ed. 
 
 Mr. W. And I proteft, with equal and unfeign'd 
 fincerity, that, brought to recollection by this fcene, 
 and refolute to emulate the examples I behold, my 
 life lhall be devoted to the blefling you beilow'd 
 upon me. 
 
 Sir Miles. Excellently refolv'd on both fides ! I 
 only hope you will not want me to put you in mind 
 of it. 
 
 David. We all join in that hope. Peace at 
 home, for your fakes, ye happy hufbands war 
 abroad for mine, and yours, my gallant com- 
 rades ! 
 
 Sir Miles. Corrected by experience, I will now 
 yenture to pronounce, that Firft Love is a faithful 
 guide j and the parent, who attempts to turn that 
 ftream from its courfe, makes himfelf refponfiblc 
 for all the miferies and mifcarriages> that may re- 
 fult from his diverfion of it. 
 
 END OF THE COMEDY.
 
 EPILOGUE* 
 
 Spoken by Mrs. JORDAN. 
 
 nnO you, fair Ladies, and, kind Sirs, to you, 
 JL Circle fo brilliant, and to me fo new, 
 I make my humble reverence, and I feel 
 More than my fimple language can reveal ; 
 In verity I thank you, and am fure, 
 Lodg'd in your bofoms I may fleep fecure : 
 Blefs your brave hearts, happy may you remain, 
 Tho' my poor country bleeds in ev'ry vein ! 
 Ah woe the time ! and, therefore, 'tis I fee 
 So many pitying eyes are turn'd on me; 
 So kind they look, as if they wou'd impart 
 Some of their own brave fpirit to my heart : 
 And wLere's the wonder, as the cafe appears, 
 If thofe who rule the waves fhou'd calm our fears ? 
 
 Oh ! generous nation, pardon if I fay 
 What my poor thoughts fuggeft in my poor way; 
 But I do think that Heav'n ordain'd a neft 
 On your white cliffs where halcyon peace may reft, 
 Sever'd one fpot of confecrated ground, 
 And bade old Neptune roll his waves around ; 
 Then put His trident in Britannia's hand, 
 And gave the watery world to her command ; 
 And Ihe lhall hold it for all time to come, 
 Tho' hair-brain'd prophets may denounce her. doom; 
 For fure I am the Ruler of the wind 
 Will never harm the friends of human-kind. 
 But it is not for humble me to fpeak 
 Of things fo great, with faculties fo weak ; 
 Enough that when I came, forlaken, poor, 
 A wand'ring emigrant, and fought your door, 
 Your generous avor gave me a retreat 
 Where the Mufe haunts, and where the Graces meet, 
 Where beauty and benevolence unite 
 To cheer the foul and animate the fight, 
 Where from the/W; of the fupporting pit, 
 Row above row the Britifli worthies fit, 
 Prefenting to the view a fplendid ring, 
 Firm to their Country, loyal to their King; 
 And proving, by the grace with which they're pleas'd, 
 That the bell Critics fooneft are appeas'd.
 
 The following DRAMATIC PIECES, written 
 by the Author of Fir/} Love t printed for, and foM' 
 by, C. DILLY. 
 
 THE WEST INDIAN, 
 
 THE MYSTERIOUS HUSBAND, 
 
 THE NATURAL SON, 
 
 THE BATTLE OF HASINGS> 
 
 THE IMPOSTORS^ 
 
 THE CARMELITE* 
 
 THE JEW, 
 
 THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE : 
 
 ALSO, by the fame AUTHOR, 
 
 I. CALVARY; or, THE DEATH OF CHRIST:* 
 A foem, in Eight Books, 410. 10 j. 6i/. 
 
 II. The fame, on Royal Paper, 15 s. 
 
 III. THE OBSERVER 5 vols. 
 
 IV Anecdotes of EMINENT PAINTERS in SPAIN,* 
 during the Sixteenth and Seventeenth Centuries 5 
 with Curfory Remarks upon the prefenc State of 
 ARTS in that Kingdom} 2 vols. 55. lewtd. 
 
 T ME S E C O N P K D I T 1 O N, 
 
 OF A NEW NOVEL, ENTITLED, 
 
 IN FOUR VOLUMES I a 8 . 
 
 DIVIDED INTO TWELVE BOOKS, 
 
 WITH A PREFATORY CHAPTER TO EACH BOOK. 
 
 AND, 
 THE THIRD EDITION, 
 
 WITH. AN INTRODUCTORY CHAPTER 
 o F 
 
 A NOVEL, IN TWO VOLUMES.
 
 ABROAD^AND AT HOME. 
 
 A 
 
 COMIC OPERA, 
 
 IN THREE ACTS. 
 
 NOW PERFORMING AT THE 
 
 THEATRE-ROYAL, COVENT-GARDEN. 
 BY J. G. HOLMAN, 
 
 THIRD EDITION. 
 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 PRINTED AND PUBLISHED BY 
 
 GEORGE CAWTHORN, BRITISH LIBRARY, STRAND. 
 
 1796. 
 PRICE TWO SHILLINGS.
 
 Dramatis 
 
 COGENT-GARDEN. 
 
 Men. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH, - - * - Mr. Quick. 
 YOUNG FLOURISH, ----- Mr. Fawcett. 
 
 OLD TESTJT, - Mr, Munden. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY, ------ Mr. Knight. 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEiL, ._--__ Mr. Johnstone. 
 HARCOURT, --__-_. Mr. Incledon. 
 SNARE, -- - - - - - - - - Mr. Waddy. 
 
 BLUFF, __,.__--- Mr. Bovvden. 
 KEEPER, -_-.__--- Mr. Thomson. 
 DICKY, --------- Mr. Simmonds. 
 
 FOLLOWER, _______ Mr. Blurton. 
 
 SIR SIMON'S SERVANT. - - - Mr. Curtis. 
 BAILIFFS, ----- Mr. Grey and Mr. Street. 
 
 Women. 
 LADY FLOURISH, - - - - - Mrs. Knight. 
 
 KITTY, --------- Mrs. Martyr. 
 
 Miss HARTLEY, ------ Mrs. Second.
 
 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 
 ACT I. SCENE L 
 
 A Room in Sir Simon Flourish's House. Enter 
 Sin SIMON and OLD TESTY. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 JJUT, my good friend Testy, do lower the pitch 
 of your voice a little ; for to speak so very loud 
 is really not well-bred. 
 
 . OLD TESTY. 
 
 I'll speak as loud as I like, and say what I 
 like. Damn your fine breeding !---an ounce of 
 honesty is worth an hundred weight of it. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 There nowounce and hundred weight! 
 Can't you contrive to think, and talk a little 
 like a Man of Fashion ? When you quitted busi- 
 ness, you shou'd have dispos'd of your vulga- 
 rity with your stock in trade. Copy me. Do 
 you find any thing vulgar about me ? 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Psha! you and I Hv'd too long together to 
 think of cajoling each other : you are as vulgar 
 as I am I wish you were half as honest. 
 B
 
 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 My good friend, if we are not to attempt 
 cajoling each other, the less you say about your 
 honesty the better. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Why, what have you to say against my ho- 
 nesty ? 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Nothing, I am too well bred: beside, I was 
 your partner in trade for twenty-five years. 
 I reap'd half the profits of your ingenuity, and 
 had you been honester, I might be poorer. But, 
 my dear friend, let us settle our business a little 
 quietly, if you will be so kind. Your son, you 
 say, is come to town : good. You insist he may 
 be introduc'd to our ward, Miss Hartley : he 
 shall. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 That's fair. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH, 
 
 ^ I thought you'd say so ; because 'tis very un- 
 fair to my own son, who being absent from 
 England, ought not to have a rival introduc'd 
 to the Lady I wish to be his wife. But remem- 
 ber, as she cannot marry without our joint con- 
 sent, we must agree, that which ever she pre- 
 fers shall have our mutual approbation. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Why, yes. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Ah ! mine is the boy that will win her ! Edu- 
 cated with every advantage ; now receiving the 
 last polish, the finishing stroke to his accom- 
 plishments, in a Tour through Europe! Oh I he 
 is a .
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Yes, he is a pretty boy. That youth will put 
 foreign ingenuity to the test. If they can send 
 him away more dissipated than they find him, 
 I will give them credit for one miracle. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Leave your growling, good Mr. Bear, and 
 look after your own unlick'd cub. His coun- 
 try breeding will render him vastly pleasing to 
 a young lady j 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 He is a model of perfection. Innocent him- 
 self, he will never suspect that evil exists, that 
 may make him liable to imposition: but I have 
 adopted a remedy in my choice of a profession 
 for him. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH, 
 
 As how, pray ? 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 To render him in some degree a match for 
 the roguery of the world, I shall make him a 
 Lawyer. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 And I dare say, his Yorkshire simplicity will 
 qualify him admirably for the profession ! 
 
 OLD TESTY, 
 
 Well, Flourish, the only thing we were ever 
 in one mind about, was parting, and I conclude 
 you have no objection to it now. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 None in the least. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 I shall send my son, and mind, fair play's 
 the word. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Certainly (Testy going). Let me see you out.
 
 8 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Oh ! damn your civility ! Stay where you are. 
 
 [Exit Old Testy. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 (Alone.) Oh! you pretty behaved, accom- 
 plished creature ! Is it not strange, that in so 
 many years acquaintance, the polish of my 
 manners shold not have induced him to rub off 
 his vulgar rust ! 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 SERVANT. 
 
 Captain O'Neill, Sir. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Shew the Captain in. [Exit Servant. 
 
 Enter Captain O'NEILL. 
 I rejoice to see you, Captain O'Neill. YOH 
 are welcome to town. 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEILL. 
 
 Sir Simon Flourish, your most obedient. 
 
 Permit me to enquire after her Ladyship, and 
 your lovely ward, Miss Hartley. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Both in fine health and spirits ; and they will 
 very much regret not being at home to receive 
 yor. 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEILL. 
 
 Proud as I am always to pay them my pro- 
 found respecls, at this moment my business lies 
 entirely with you, Sir Simon. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Oh Lord ! I hope he don't want to borrow 
 money ofme(slside). Your commands, if you 
 please, Captain. 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEILL. 
 
 An affair of honour compels me to be trou- 
 blesome to you,
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 9 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 An affair of honour compels him to be trou- 
 blesome to me ! Oh, that is worse than borrow- 
 ing money. (slsicL ) 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEILL. 
 
 My wounded reputation, must be heal'd. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Oh Lord! Oh Lord! How have I offended 
 Jiim ? (Aside.) 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEILL. 
 
 Slander can only be washed out with blood. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Oh ! my precious blood ! Oh dear! Oh dear! 
 I suppose I have said some ill natur'd thing of 
 him behind his back, for I am sure I never 
 durst affront him to his face. (Aside.) 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEILL. 
 
 A little after your leaving Bath 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 A little after my leaving Bath .' (repeats falter- 
 ingly.) Oh yes, some damn'd good-natur'd 
 friend blabb'd when my back was turned (aside). 
 Why really, Captain, I don't recollect what can 
 have given you offence at Bath. 
 CAPTAIN O-NEILL. 
 
 That I readily believe ; for it would be hard 
 to expect you to recollect what you never heard. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Eh! 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEILL. 
 
 I say, Sir Simon, you cannot be expected to 
 know the insult offer'd me, by a man who 
 did not arrive till you were gone. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Oh, the man that insulted you did not arrive 
 till I was gone ! Lord, what a load is off my
 
 IP ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 mind ! (Aside.) And so Captain, a villain had 
 the audacity to insult you. 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NIELL. 
 
 I was insulted, Sir Simon. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 You'll not let him live. You'll tear him to 
 atoms I know you will Blood and thunder! if 
 it were my case 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NIELL. 
 
 Be cool, Sir Simon you are too desperate. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 I am I know it is my fault ; but fire and 
 fury! Can I assist you in this business? 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NIELL. 
 
 That is the very cause of my visit to you 
 "Will you honour me so far as to deliver a bit of 
 a message for me ? 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 What, carry a challenge for you ? (eagerly.) 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NIELL. 
 
 Exaftly. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 What, and be your Second? 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NIELL. 
 
 If I may take the liberty to ask such a favour ? 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 My dear Captain, give me your hand. I am 
 the happiest man alive to serve a friend. I'll 
 see you through this affair; I'll take care of you. 
 Where am I to go? What am I to do first? 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NIELL. 
 
 Why, first of all, there is a little preparatory 
 business. Before I can receive satisfaction for 
 the injury done me, I must put it in the power 
 of my adversary to give it me. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 As how, pray ?
 
 A COMIC OPERA. H 
 
 CAPTAINlO'NIELL. 
 
 You must know, the young man is unluckily 
 in prison for debt: and as he has friends who 
 are able to release him, I thought it wou'd be 
 taking a liberty to rob them of a pleasure they 
 have the best right to; but they scorn to be 
 outdone in politeness, and, I believe, wou'd let 
 him remain till doomsday, before they would 
 dispute the point with me. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 And so you mean to pay his debts on purpose 
 to fight him ? 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NIELL. 
 
 I do, and I wish I had a better motive ; for 
 though injur'd honour demands atonement, I 
 wou'd rather do one little bit of a kindness 
 than revenge a thousand injuries. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Will it cost you much? 
 
 CAPTAIN O^NIELL. 
 
 More than is quite convenient, and therefore 
 I must trespass on your goodness in a second 
 instance. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Eh! what, how ? 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NIELL. 
 
 I shall be under the necessity of troubling 
 you for three hundred pounds. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Lord ! it is a vast deal of money : I think 
 you had better not fight him till there is an Act 
 of Insolvency. Or, could'nt you get a snug 
 little room in the Prison, and fight him at his 
 own home ; that would be more genteel and 
 accommodating. No, no plague take it, that 
 won't do ; for if you kill him, they will keep
 
 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 us there. I should like to see you fight amaz- 
 ingly , but then to pay three hundred pounds 
 for it, it is very dear : I only paid a guinea to 
 see Johnson and Big Ben, and their way of 
 fighting is quite as fashionable now-a-days ! 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEILL. 
 
 Understand me, Sir Simon. I don't intend 
 to be under an obligation to you or any man. I 
 have brought my Commission as security for 
 the sum. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Security ! my dear friend, do you think I 
 want security ? That is like a Trader ; there is 
 no security with People of Fashion. Yet I may 
 as well take it by way of memorandum. (Takes 
 the Commission.) Well, tell me who he is, and 
 where he is to be found. I'll carry him the 
 money and the challenge. 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEILL. 
 
 Oh ! by no means. He must not know the 
 money comes from me. He may feel it un- 
 pleasant to be under an obligation to a man 
 he has wrong'd ; and to know that I had injur'd 
 his feelings, would not be the way to satisfy 
 mine. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 You are a very strange man ! There is the 
 money, manage it your own way. 
 
 [.Gives him Notes. 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEILL. 
 
 I thank you, and as soon as he has got the 
 miseries of a prison a little out of his rnind, 
 you shall wait on him. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 As soon as you please. The sooner the bet- 
 ter,
 
 A COMIC OPERA. IS 
 
 CAPTAIN O*NE;L. 
 
 You are too impetuous, you fiery little fellow! 
 We must not be in a hurry, for misfortune is 
 apt to lower a mail's spirit, and I scorn to meet 
 a foe in a state of degradation. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Well, 3'ou must act as you chuse, only fight 
 soon, for I shall think of nothing else. I know 
 1 am a desperate dog. When I was at school, 
 they us'd to call me the little Garne-Cock. 
 You are to do as you like, but were it my own 
 affair, I should stand close, muzzle to muzzlo, 
 toe to toe. Diimmc, I'd fight him in a saw pit. 
 I wonder I have not fought yet. I never was 
 even ask'd to be a Second till now; but, I be- 
 lieve, I know pretty well from the newspapers 
 what a Second has to do:---To load the pistols, 
 measure the ground, take care they stand near 
 enough, and let them fire as long as they like. 
 I believe that is all. Oil no! If the parties are 
 wounded, he is to leave them on the ground, to 
 the mercy of chance, and take care of himself. 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 I am not to dictate your conduct, Sir Simon; 
 only it might be well if every Second would 
 consider that his office is that of a Friend to ad- 
 just an affair of Honour, not of a Sheriff to wit- 
 ness an execution. Good morning, Sir Simon. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 (Alone.) What a lucky dog I am! To be 
 concerned in a Duel was the only thing wanting 
 tocompleat me a Man of Fashion. I shall state 
 the case next day in the newspapers, with my 
 name at full length Then a glorious con- 
 fusion always takes place People just remem- 
 ber the names, but forget whether they were 
 C
 
 14 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 Principals or Seconds j Oh ! my character will 
 be up! I shall Le a Man of Fashion indeed! 
 
 Enter Lady FLOUR \siiand Miss HARTLEY. 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 My dear, Sir Simon! how glad I am you're at 
 home ! If I am ever so little a while away from 
 you, my darling, it appears a long, tedious age. 
 How does my lovy do? Do look tender! 'tis so 
 becoming to you ; and beside, if you don't, you 
 know you break my heart. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Now really, Lady Flourish, you are too fond 
 before company, indeed you are. 'Tis your 
 only fault, my dear. But you ought to consider, 
 that to be fond of a husband at all, is very un- 
 fashionable; and therefore, when a wife feels 
 that amiable weakness, she ought never to ex- 
 pose it before people. 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 But I can't help exposing it. Miss Hartly 
 knows I have been talking of nothing else but 
 my dearest the whole time 1 have been out: all 
 the while I was buying my china, and my gold 
 muslins, and my lace, I was longing to be at. 
 home with my darling. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Lord, my dear: I wish you had indulg'd 
 your longing, and then you wou'dn't have laid 
 out so much money. And how is my dear 
 Miss Hartley? You don't seem in spirits. 
 
 MISS HARTLEY. 
 
 Indeed I am not: but the cause of my want 
 of spirits must rejnain a secret to you. (Aside). 
 They,Btr, who, like me, never knew misfortune, 
 are apt to trifle with their felicity.
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 15 
 
 SONG. 
 
 MISS HARTLEY. 
 THE heart that has ne'er tasted sorrow, 
 
 E'en happiness often will cloy ; 
 And we ever from misery borrow 
 Our knowledge of exquisite joy. 
 
 To those who all anguish wou'd smother, 
 
 The best use of life is unknown; 
 To feel for the woes of another, 
 
 Or value the bliss that's their own. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Old Tcsty's stupid bumpkin of a son is to be 
 introduced, to you this morning: but there is 
 no fear of his rivalling my boy Jack. How I 
 long to see the rogue again ! Where is he now, 
 I wonder? May be, eating macaroni with the 
 Grand Duke, or having the honour of kissing 
 the toe of his Holinesss the Pope. Oh ] what 
 high fellows my son is living with ! 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 Where ever he is, my dearest, he can meet 
 nobody so line a gentleman as his papa. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Oh! you are too partial, Lady Flourish -"a 
 great deal, a great deal too partial. I have 
 news for you -Captain O'Neil has been here. 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 Captain O'Neil in town ? (Earnestly.) 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 I shou'd like to tell them of his engaging me 
 to be his Second. (Aside). You know the 
 Captain is a man of great bravery, and knowing 
 me to be of the same turn hum ! hum we have
 
 16 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 had a good deal of conversation on the subject 
 of Duelling. 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 I hope the Captain is not going to fight a 
 Duel? (Greatly alarm'd}. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Oh dear, no. 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 I am glad to hear you say so. I was quite 
 agitated at the thought oi any friend of your's 
 being engag'd in so horrid a business. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 I must not blah, I find. She'd lay an inform- 
 ation, and destroy my. renown. Were I a 
 Principal instead of a Second,' I shou'd be vastly 
 oblig'd to her. ( slside.) I wonder how many 
 Duels Jack has fought abroad that is, fought, 
 or been Second inr 'Tis just the same thing. 
 The credit is the same, and so is the danger 
 pretty nearly ; for the Principals are often so 
 cursedly t'righten'd, that it is an even chance 
 whether they hit their antagonist, or their own 
 Second. 
 
 MISS HARTLEY. 
 
 Though I abhor the practice, yet when men 
 deem such trials necessary, I hope they conduct 
 themselves with proper courage. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 That is mighty well of you. You don't know 
 what it is to receive a man's fire, or you won d 
 not talk so lightly about it. 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 SERVANT. 
 
 Young Mr. Testy, Sir. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Very well.
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 17 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 Come, my dear, rest yourself a little before 
 you encounter the fatigue of this Bumpkin's 
 conversation. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Ay, do; I'll talk to him first. 
 
 [Exeunt Lady Flourish and Miss Hartley. 
 
 Enter Young TESTY. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Well, Tom, I'm glad to see you : you are 
 welcome to London. Oh ! what a Quiz it is! 
 
 [Aside. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Thank you, thank you, Sir Simon. Lord ! 
 Lord ! why you be quite another guise kind of 
 a man than what you us'd to be ! I remember, 
 asthofitwas but yesterday, when father and 
 you us'd to weigh I and Jack Flourish in the 
 great warehouse scales, and I alw ays were hea- 
 viest. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Yes, and you'll continue heaviest as long as 
 you live. But, Tom, don't talk about weights 
 and scales, 'tis so vulgar. Damn Trade, and 
 all that belongs to it. I am a Gentleman and a 
 Knight now. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Yes, Sir Simon, so they tell me ; but for all 
 that, don't damn Trade; for I don't think as 
 how you'd a' been a Gentleman and a Knight, 
 if the money you got by the warehouse had not 
 given you a bit of a lift. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Qh the vulgar young dog ! [Aside.
 
 18 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Well, Sir Simon, father sent me a courting, 
 and so, you see, 1 am come ; so no more words, 
 let's set about it. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Oh yes, with all my heart. I'll see if Miss 
 Hartley is ready to receive you. What a young 
 Savage ! I dare say they wou'd buy him at Exe- 
 ter 'Change. [Exit. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Well, faint heart never won fair lady. Dang 
 it, I'll shew her a Yorkshire boy is not afraid of 
 a pretty girl. 
 
 SONG. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 I NE'ER by a lass yet was scouted, 
 I know the right method to get her, 
 No cringing for me, 
 I'll soon let her see 
 That I'm bold, and she'll like me the better. 
 
 I'm a boy that's not easily floated, 
 
 If she give herself airs, why e'en let her, 
 When to kiss her I try, 
 " You're rude," Sir, she'll cry, 
 
 Why I am, and you like me the better. 
 
 When she finds that I'm not to be routed, 
 And at morn, noon, and night I beset her, 
 
 She'll alter her tone, . 
 
 And readily own 
 Tho' I'm rude, that she likes me the better.
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 19 
 
 SCENE II. 
 
 Another Poem in Sir Simon's House. Enter 
 SIR SJMON FLOURISH and KITTY. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 And now give me a kiss, you little rogue 
 you. [Kisses her. 
 
 KITTY. 
 Lord ! Sir Simon, how can you be so rude ! 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Now, Kitty, mind you say all the ill natur'd 
 things you can to your young Mistress of this 
 Country Blockhead. Always praise my son 
 Jack to her, and he'll bring you over trinkets 
 enough for you to set up a raffle-shop at Mar- 
 gate. Here the Booby comes. Now you may 
 go and fetch Miss Hartley. 
 
 " Enter Young TESTY. 
 
 There, Mr. Testy, good bye: I leave you to 
 your love-making. What a Lout it is ! 
 
 [Aside to Kitty and exit. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 So this be young Madam that father wants me 
 to marry. Egad she is a tight lass enow ! 
 Well, Miss, and so father says as how he wishes 
 I'd marry you ; and so, d'ye see, if you've no 
 mighty obje&ion, we may even be ax'd in 
 church together. 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 What does the Booby mean ! Lord, he takes 
 me for my Mistress ! Not such 'a Booby as I 
 thought him. [Aside.
 
 2O ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Why, you don't answer, Miss. Speak out 
 don't be shame fac'd. So, as I was saying, I 
 have no disliking to you, nor liking for any 
 body else, and it' you have no particular dislik- 
 ing to me more than to other people, I dare 
 say we shall be as happy a couple as goes. 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 Gemini, what a flutter I am in ! If I can but 
 make him believe I am my Mistress, my fortune 
 is made. I must try to behave like a Lady ; but 
 if lam modest, like Miss Hartley, I shall never 
 pass upon him. No, no, I must be free and 
 dashing, as fine Ladies are in general. (Aside. ) 
 Why, young man, I have been considering 
 what you have besn saying ; and, as I don't 
 think you quite so great a brute as I expected 
 you to be, I don't much care if I take you upon 
 trial. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Take me upon trial! What, does she make a 
 horse of me ? But dang it, free and easy--- 1 like 
 her the better. But mayhap, Miss, if I am not 
 so great a brute now, I may be a greater when 
 I am married. Ah ! what do you say to that, 
 my tight Filly ? ..j^v 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 I'll do all I can to make you fashionable. 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Thank you, thank you. I'll do as much for 
 you. Dang it, I didn't think I should have 
 been so much at home with a fine Lady. 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 What is your name, young man ? 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Tom Testy. .
 
 COMIC OPERA. 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 Well, Tom. 
 
 VOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Tom ! How familiar and kind ! 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 I'll have you Tom. 'Tis a bargain. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Is it? There's my hand, and my lips too, I 
 like you. How little we know in Yorkshire' 
 about London folk. They told me, you fine 
 Ladies were squeamish and shy, and all that 
 nonsense. 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 No, Tom. That is quite gone by in high life. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 So much the better. Well, but Miss, and 
 When shall we be married ? Hey ! let it be soon. 
 KITTY. 
 
 When you like, 'tis all one to me. Only, 
 Tom, don't mention it, let us be snug. We'll 
 Steal a march ; marry first, and tell the old 
 ones after. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 So we will : that will be good fun. 
 KITTY. 
 
 Now mind, when you go home to your father, 
 you don't tell him what we have settled. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 NOJ not I; but 1 don't live at father's ; I've 
 got a place of my own, do as 1 like, live in the 
 Temple. I am to be a Counsellor, father says, 
 and a plaguy good one I shall make ; for it is 
 all done by eating, and I have a fine appetite, 
 if the London air don't spoil it. Lord, what a 
 happy life we shall lead ! 
 
 D
 
 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 DUET. 
 KITTY AND YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 KITTYt 
 WHEN I'm married, I'll be gay, 
 
 Still flaunting as shall please me ; 
 Careless what i do or say, 
 
 No power on earth shall teaze me. % 
 Jf you e'er, in jealous spite, 
 
 Should hint at horns ideal, 
 Then my way to set you right 
 Will be to make them real. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 Husbands, now, for horns who care, 
 
 Must be less wise than nice, Ma'am, 
 While, at market, horns will bear 
 
 So very high a price, Ma'am: 
 And for Lawyers too, like me, 
 
 No trouble it at all is, 
 Since horn-fair remov'd we see 
 
 To Westminster old Hall is. 
 
 BOTH. 
 Then since we agree so easy to be, 
 
 Let's marry as soon as we can ; 
 For, not to demur, whate'er may occur, 
 
 Is surely the very best plan. 
 
 SCENE III. 
 
 Tbe King's Bench. HARCOURT solus. 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 Was ever man more miserably circum- 
 stanced ? Bred up as heir to a splendid fortune,
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 23 
 
 and all my hopes destroy'd, by the caprice of a 
 splenetic old uncle. >hut up here, in the 
 King's Bench, lor de': ; and, not only de- 
 priv'd of the happiLi^s of beholding the wo- 
 man I adore, but asham'd to acquaint her with 
 the wretchedness of my situation. 
 
 AIR. 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 ONCE, all that cou'd enchant the sight, 
 
 Enraptur'd fancy drew, 
 And declc'd each prospeft of delight 
 
 With tints of brightest hue. 
 In fairy loveliness array'd, 
 
 The beauteous objefts shone, 
 While charm'd I gaz'd, Hope sweetly said, 
 " These prospedls are thine own." 
 
 But fancy, now, from forms of joy, 
 Averts her sick'ning sight ; 
 
 Her pencil horrors wild employ, 
 And scenes of blackest night; 
 
 The dismal pictures rise to view- 
 Where direst ills combine, 
 
 Despair exclaims, " bid Hope adieu, 
 These prospefts now are thine." 
 
 Enter a Servant belonging to the Prison. 
 
 SERVANT. 
 
 Mr. Flourish, Sir, has sent you the book of 
 travels he borrowed ; and says he will call on 
 
 you presently. 
 
 HARCOURT, 
 
 That good humour'd, whimsical fellow, 
 Flourish, is always welcome to me. 
 
 SERVANT. 
 
 It-is queer enough that his father, Sir Simon
 
 24 ABROAD AND AT HOME. . 
 
 Flourish, should be humm'd so as to think he 
 is going the Tour of Europe, when, all the 
 >vhile, he never got a step farther than St. 
 George's Fields. [.r#. 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 Here he comes. 
 
 Youri Flourish singing without. 
 Over the Hills, &c. 
 
 Enter in a sbabhy light -coloured Coat, ivitb black 
 Breeches and Boots. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Ah ! my boy, Harcourt, how are you ? 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 Why Jack, what makes you booted ? 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 A man ought to be booted, when he's on 3 
 journey. An't I going the Tour of Europe ? 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 Oh ! I beg your pardon. I had forgot; but 
 you don't seem furnish'd with a very elegant 
 riding-dress--- boots and black are not very cor- 
 rea hey ! 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 The customs of countries differ ; but to tell 
 you the truth, so much travelling has made vast 
 havock among my leather, and as for my black 
 small clothes, I wear-them as mourning for the 
 demise of my last colour' d pair. 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 . But my dear Jack, what can be the joke of 
 your staying in this sad place ? 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 All the joke was in getting here. Staying is 
 not quite so comical.
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 25 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 But, Jack, I must know what brought you 
 here? 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Poll. 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 Poll! --What Poll? 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Not know Poll ? -Where the devil have you 
 liv'd ? Not know Poll ? Why Poll is the rage 
 In Hyde Park every morning rides the best 
 horse---drives the best curricle gives the best 
 dinners -damme, the first Dutchess in the land 
 envies Poll 1 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 I beg Poll's pardon for not knowing her. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 So you ought, for Poll's familiar and kind, 
 she'd have no objection to knowing you. But 
 the thing is, father said I shou'd be a Man of 
 Fashion, and so I am, an't I? Damme, you 
 still look at my legs well, black-legs don't 
 make me a bit less a Man of Fashion. 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 Oh ! by no means. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Well. But about Poll As I was to be a 
 Man of Fashion, who so proper to make me 
 one as Poll ? Poll has made and unmade half 
 the fine men of the day. I kept Poll when I 
 was at school ; Poll stuck to me at college ; 
 and when father fix'd I should travel, and see 
 the world, who so fit to shew it me as Poll ? 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 Well, why did n't Poll shew it you ? 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 She did, she shew'd me here.
 
 26 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 But why not take her abroad with you? 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 She wou'd not go. Poll said she wou'd do 
 any thing but cross the water with me. And 
 I could not find in my heart to go abroad with- 
 out her. So I touch'd father's cash, and resolv'd 
 to finish my education in my own country. 
 HARCOUR r. 
 
 Very patriotic, truly! 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Well, father went to Bath I staid in town-- 
 the money flew --Poll knew how to dash it. 
 \Vhen all was gone, it was natural enough to 
 come here, you know. 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 But how were' you able to leave Poll? 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 She did not trouble me to think about that: 
 when the money was gone, Poll left me. 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 So Poll wou-d not follow your fortunes to the 
 King's Bench! How unkind! 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 So I told her- Ah, Poll!" said I, 'tit 
 damn'd ill-natur'd to leave me-" 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 And what did she say r 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 She only laugh'd and said,-- " She told me 
 at first, she'd do any thing but cross the water 
 with me." 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 You must throw yourself on your father's 
 mercy at last, and the sooner you do it the 
 better.
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 27 
 
 Servant brings in a Letter. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 For me ? 
 
 SERVANT. 
 
 No, Sir,---for Mr. Harcourt. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Ah ! nobody writes to me. 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 (Reads.) tf I ana led to believe the enclos'd 
 notes will liberate you. They are sent for that 
 
 purpose." Astonishing ! No name. Does 
 
 any body wait ? 
 
 SERVANT. 
 
 No, Sir. [Exit. 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 This must be from my dear girl. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Ah ! you are a happy fellow ! Your dear girl 
 writes to you. Though Poll would not cross 
 the water, she might send me a letter now and 
 then. It is damn'd unkind. : But no, no, 
 poor girl, I shou'dn't scold her for what she 
 can't help. I ought to remember, Poll can't 
 write. 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 This must be my Harriot's generosity. 
 Charming girl ! How could she discover my si- 
 tuation ? But what will not Love discover ? 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 So, you're going to leave me. 'Tis devilish 
 hard to be cut by every body. 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 Depend on it, my dear fellow, I will be with 
 you soon.
 
 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Ah ! do come and see me . Don't be like Poll, 
 afraid of crossing the water. 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 No, Jackdepend upon it. Adieu ! Now 
 to my charming girl. - [Exit. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Ah! your's is a charming girl, indeed, to 
 send you money. --If Poll had a million, I dare 
 say she vvou'dn't think of sending me a shilling, 
 and yet she us'd to say she lov'd me vastly. 
 
 SONG. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH, 
 WHEN to my pretty Poll I went, 
 
 And I to travel sought her, 
 " Ah, stay at home, dear Jack," says she/ 
 
 " I cannot cross the. water.'* 
 What could I do ? Away I flew, 
 
 A curricle I bought her; 
 Six smoaking bays, all Hyde Park's gaze> 
 
 From Tattersall's I brought her. 
 " Dear jack," says she, " how kind you be / 
 
 (She'd coax like Eve's own daughter,) 
 " With you will 1 both live and die, 
 
 " Do all but cross the water." 
 Then, splashing, dashing through the town, 
 
 She drove, the stare of all, 
 The echo of her rattling wheels 
 
 Was, " There goes pretty Poll!" 
 - " Oh, pretty, pretty Poll 1" 
 
 From ev'ry tongue the echo rung 
 " See, there goes pretty Poll 1" 
 
 What a lad then was I I 
 All to dress at me try,
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 
 
 And my praise to withhold none so currish. 
 
 With a girl so divine, 
 
 Such dinners ! such wine ! 
 What a damn'd clever dog was Jack Flourish ! 
 
 But an end to my cash, 
 
 And my fame goes to smash, 
 No friends my good qualities nourish ; 
 
 For they, once so kind, 
 
 Now agree in one mind, 
 What a damn'd stupid flat is Jack Flourish ! 
 
 Thus, cut by my friends, by bailiffs seiz'd, 
 
 And this vile limbo near, 
 Yet with one hope I still was pleas'd, 
 
 That Poll my cage wou'd cheer. 
 To Poll I told where I must go, 
 
 And not to leave me sought her ; 
 She, laughing, cried, " Dear Jack, you know 
 
 " I cannot cross the water."
 
 30 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 /ICT II. SCENE I. 
 
 A Garden belonging to Sir Simon's House. HAR- 
 RIOT discovered (alone). 
 
 How distressing is' my Harcourt's absence \ 
 and the mysterious concealment of his residence 
 encreases my anxiety! Can he think so meanly 
 of me, as to suppose his loss of fortune will 
 lesson my affe&ion ? 
 
 AIR. 
 
 MISS HARTLEY. 
 NOT mine the narrow soul, assur'd, 
 
 In riches joy to find ; 
 Not mine by title's glare allur'd, 
 
 To genuine merit blind. 
 
 In wealth and rank who secrk for bliss, 
 
 Contempt or pity move, 
 They never chuse so much amiss, 
 
 Whose- hearts were form'd for love. 
 
 Enter HARCOURT. 
 
 . HARCOURT. 
 
 My life! 
 
 HARRIOT. 
 
 Oh Charles! 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 My angel, what a tedious absence! 
 
 HARRIOT. 
 
 If my Charles thought it so, why not sooner 
 fly to his adoring Harriot?
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 I follow'd you to Bath, but, unluckily you 
 had left it the day before I arriv'd ; and what 
 then happen'd I could not prevail on myself to 
 disclose to you: I \\as resolv'd to bear my mis- 
 fortunes alone ; but your kindness hasdjspell'd 
 them, and now I fly with gratitude tp thank 
 my deliverer. 
 
 HARRIOT. 
 
 Your deliverer ! 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 Yes, my Harriot! attempt not to conceal 
 your gerterous conduct. But for you, a pribon 
 vvou'd have been my habitation for life. 
 HARRIOT. 
 
 A prison, Charles ! Has such been your dis- 
 tress., and yet conceal it from me? 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 Can it be possible that t am not indebted to 
 yoii for my deliverance ? 
 
 HARRIOT. 
 
 By concealing from rne your situation, you 
 prevented me from being your deliverer 1 . Oh, 
 Charles! that was a false pride, which avoided 
 the assistance of her who loves you. True af- 
 fection shou'd seek occasions for receiving kind- 
 ness, conscious it bestows most delight when 
 it affords the power of obliging. 
 
 HARCOURT, 
 
 Pardon me, Harriot, poverty will be prone}. 
 But what am I to think ? See here, my love, 
 th. ; s cover enclosed notes sufficient to discharge 
 my debts. 
 
 HARRIOT, 
 
 Whoever has hatl the pleasure of releasing 
 you, claims my gratitude, yet excites my envy.
 
 32 AjBROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 Generous girl ! To avoid suspicion, I had 
 better leave you now, my Harriot. 
 
 DUET. 
 HARCOURT and MISS HARTLEY. 
 
 MISS HARTLEY. 
 
 AH, must you away while nature's so gay, 
 And all things to happiness move ! 
 Hark ! the feather'd warbler's throat 
 Pours of joy the swelling note, 
 'Tis inspir'd by the spirit of love. 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 Ah! wert thou away, 'twould cease to be gay, 
 No longer to happiness move, 
 'Tis thou art the soul 
 Gives life to the whole, 
 And infuses the spirit of love. 
 
 MISS HARTLEY. 
 Hark ! the tuneful current near 
 Sweetly steals upon mine ear ; 
 And its gentle murmurs prove 
 'Tis inspir'd by the spirit of love. - \ 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 Ah, dear girl, wert thou not here, 
 No more these sounds wou'd sweet appear, 
 The murm'ring stream wou'd cease to prove 
 'Tis inspir'd by the spirit of love. 
 
 BOTH. 
 
 Ah, dear youth, wert thou away, 
 . Ah, dear girl, wert thou away, 
 
 No more wou'd nature's face be gay, 
 No more each sound wou'd sweetly prove 
 'Tis inspir'd by the spirit of love ! 
 
 Exeunt'.
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 33 
 
 SCENE II. 
 
 Sir Simon's House. Enter Lady FLOURISH and 
 KITTY. 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 Kitty, did you see Old Testy's Yorkshire 
 prodigy when-he was here ? 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 Yes, my Lady. 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 I conclude he is a shocking Saracen. 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 Yes, my Lady. 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 I suppose Miss Hartley votes him a sad bore. 
 KITTY. 
 
 Lord, your Ladyship! I could not think of 
 Miss Hartley being troubled \vith such a brute 
 of a fellow, especially, my Lady, as his Honour 
 Sir Simon designs Miss for his own son ; so, 
 an't please you, my Lady, I sent him away 
 with a flea in his ear. 
 
 Enter Captain O'NEJL. 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 Captain O'Niel, I am prodigiously happy to 
 see you. Kitty, you need not wait. 
 
 Exit Kitty. 
 
 CAPTAIN p'NEIL. 
 
 I protest and vow, that meeting your Lady- 
 ship gives me the most superlative pleasure.
 
 34 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 Why then, I protest and vow the pleasure is 
 mutual. 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 Your Ladyship .does me a great deal of ho- 
 nour. I will beg of her Ladyship to say a kind 
 word for me to Miss Hartley, for I want very 
 much to be thought well of by that lovely girl. 
 [Aside"] I am glad to find your Ladyship alone. 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 Glad to find me alone, Captain? 
 
 CAPTAIN O-NEIL. 
 
 Prodigiously so, my Lady. I have a favour 
 to beg of your Ladyship. 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 A favour of me ! I hope, Captain, you are 
 not going to ask any thing improper? 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 I hope your Ladyship will not think it so. 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 Indeed but I shall, if 1 ought to think it so ; 
 for tho* you are a very pretty man, and very 
 much of a gentleman, and dance delightfully, 
 and have a profusion of elegant accomplish- 
 ments, and 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 Oh S Madam, Madam, you confuse me. 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 Do I ?-- AVell, I protest 'tis very becoming 
 to you. Confusion seems quite natural to you j 
 but 1 will have compassion on your modesty. 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 It is very generous in your Ladyship to com- 
 passionate a national infirmity. Bashfujness 
 and the brogue always go together. But let me 
 in treat you to take an interest in my happiness.
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 I take an interest in your happiness ! You'll 
 absolutely make me faint. 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NETL. 
 
 What shou'd your Ladyship faint about? 
 Why, my Lady, 1 but desire - 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 Oh! you shou'd conquer your desires! 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 But I only wish - 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 Fie, fie! I must not gratify your wishes. 
 Don't press me any further; for tho' I have a 
 great deal of resolution, you have an infinity 
 of insinuation. 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 I wish you would let me insinuate my mean- 
 ing 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 Don't shock me. I know what you want to 
 insinuate.- Think what a dreadful thing it is 
 to seduce the wife of your friend. 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 My Lady 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 Oh, Captain O'Neill how can you go to per- 
 suade me to be unfaithful to poor, dear, little 
 Sir Simon? 
 
 Enter SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Can I believe my ears? Why fire and fury, 
 Captain O'Neii ! how durst you think of such 
 a thing ! 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL*. 
 
 Here's a blessed piece of a blunder.
 
 36 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 Sir Simon, I'm quite shock'd at your intru- 
 sion. How can you be so ill-bred? I beg you'll 
 not interfere with my concerns. " I am myself 
 the guardian of my honour, and will not brook 
 so insolent a monitor." [^Exit. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Oh you Violator of Friendship ! Oh you Se- 
 ducer ! Why, Tarquin was a Joseph to you ! 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 Sir Simon, upon my honour, I meant not 
 the least harm. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Why, did I not hear her say, you wanted her 
 to be unfaithful to poor, dear, little Sir- Simon. 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 Will you hear me, Sir Simon ? 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 No, you monster of iniquity ! you wanted to 
 separate a pair of fine turtle-doves. You de 
 luder of innocence, you destroyer of the peace 
 of families ! 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 Very well, Sir Simon, \ plainly see what you 
 mean. You are too fond of fighting to listen to 
 reason ; and since nothing but spilling my in- 
 nocent blood will appease you, I must submit. 
 There, Sir Simon, (Pulling out pistols.) I 
 little thought to cock either of these against 
 you. 
 
 SIR. SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Cock them against me ! 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 (Pointing to Sir Simon.) Take your choice. 
 Sir. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Take my choice ! No, I shan't take my choice. 
 
 {Terrified.
 
 A COMIC OPERA. S7 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 Oh, you may trust to them they have done 
 execution in their time. But may be, you don't 
 think one a piece enough? Well, then, fetch a 
 pair of your own I'll measure out a few paces 
 \vhileyou are gone. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 [JVitb horror.^ A few paces I 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 Oh! I beg your pardon : I had forgot you 
 like to tight muzzle to muzzle. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Muzzle to muzzle ! Oh Lord! Oh Lord! 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 Well, I must assent to your savage propensi- 
 ties. 1 must fight you how you like. 
 
 SJR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 But damme, it I'll fightyou at all. 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 "Not fight me ! Oh ! the patience of St. Patrick 
 cou'd not brook such contemptuous treatment \ 
 You won't even fight me? 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 I won't, upon my soul. 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 You positively refuse to treat me like a gen- 
 tleman ? O what extremities you drive me to 
 (Strikes him witb bis cane.) How can you dis- 
 tress me so i 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 How the devil can you distress me so? 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 Not fight me ? Oh 'tis cruel treatment i 
 (Striking him again.) 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH- 
 
 It is, upon my soul. 
 F
 
 SS ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 Now, will you fight rue ? , 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 You are taking the worst way in the world to 
 persuade me. 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 I'll try it a little more, however. (Holding 
 
 up bis cane.) 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Hold, for mercy ! I'll ask your pardon any- 
 thing -What will satisfy you ? 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 Nothing that a poltroon can offer. I am sorry 
 I have degraded myself by striking a coward. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 So am I very. 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 Oh, you are a desperate dog ! You wou'd 
 stand close, toe to toe muzzle to muzzle 
 Damme, you'd fight in a saw-pit. Oh, you are 
 a pretty fellow for a Second ! 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Very well for a Second, but not quite so well 
 for a Principal. But, Captain, I hope you'll be 
 kind enough not to mention this trifling affair ; 
 for 'tis a pity, the reputation a man has been 
 collecting his whole life, should be whisk 'd away 
 in a moment. What a vapour Honour is, that 
 it will fly away in the dusting a coat ! Do be 
 tender, CaptainPray don't mention this 1 - 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 In my opinion, you are too contemptible to 
 be mentioned at all. 
 
 SIR 'SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Yonr opinion I shall always have the highest 
 respect for.
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 39 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 Good bye, my little game-cock. I shall re- 
 member you always stand muzzle to muzzle. --- 
 Oh, you are a desperate dog indeed ! [Exit. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 (Alone.) I have been very unlucky. I <im 
 afraid I have not acted quite like a Man of 
 Fashion. In the first place, to interrupt a Gen- 
 tleman's making love to my wife, was nof at all 
 like a Man of Fashion no that was very low 
 breeding indeed. As to getting a beating 
 that will happen to Men of Fashion, now and 
 then. But one part of my behaviour, I hope, 
 sets all to rights I behav'd very ill, and I 
 ask'd pardon. If that is not like a Man of 
 Fashion, the devil's in't. [Exit. 
 
 SCENE III. 
 
 Inside of the King's Bench, with a View of the 
 Wall. Enter Young FLOURISH. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 1 have been puzzling over maps, these two 
 hours, to find out where I have been, or rather 
 where I ought to have been ; and 'tis a greatdeal 
 more troublesome to travel in imagination than 
 in reality : for I must keep my eyes open, while 
 I am tracing my journey on paper ; but if I 
 had gone it in earnest, I might have slept com- 
 fortably from post to post, as most Travellers 
 do! 
 
 Enter HARCOURT and Captain O'NoL. 
 Ah ! Charles, my boy, coming to see me so 
 soon is kind indeed !
 
 40 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 And I have brought a friend to see you. 
 
 CAPT. O'NEIL. 
 
 What a mighty, queer world we live in ! This 
 is a gentleman I am proud to hear call me 
 friend- and yet half an hour ago I was ready 
 to cut his throat l 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Cut your friend's throat ? 
 
 CAPT. O'NEIL. 
 
 Why, it happens every day -don't it? Your 
 making a wonder of that proves you live out of 
 the world. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 By your account, to live out of the world 
 seems the only chance one has to live at all. 
 
 CAPT. O NEIL. 
 
 You are pretty right there; for between 
 those who, having too little courage, want to be 
 thought to have enough, and those who have so 
 much, 'tis always boiling over a quiet man's 
 life is in a constant state of requisition. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 But, how came you two to quarrel? 
 
 CAPT. O NEIL. 
 
 The only way that two honest men can quar- 
 relby mistake.-. However, before we troubled 
 our pistols to speak for us, we thought it no 
 dishonour to speak a little for ourselves ; by 
 which means we found out, that though we met 
 to settle a dispute, devil a dispute v\e had to 
 settle. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH, 
 
 How was that ? 
 
 CAPT. O'NEIL. 
 
 Why, it appears that this same good looking
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 
 
 countenance of mine is unlucky enough to re- 
 semble the phiz of a Gentleman Blacklegs, who 
 by a little trick or two in the way of his trade, 
 disburthen'd our friend of his cash. He thought, 
 when he met me in the Rooms at Bath, (and 
 the place, to be sure, was not much in my fa- 
 vour) thathehadnick'd his man and accosted me 
 accordingly. We lost one another in the croud, 
 and he departed in his error. I learnt his 
 name, and folio w'd him to London ; where, if 
 I hadn't had wisdom enough to ask an explana- 
 tion, I might have been sent out of the world 
 for the misfortune of resembling a scoundrel. 
 
 ^HARCOURT. 
 
 How much I must ever feel bound to you ! 
 
 CAPT. CTNEIL. 
 
 Ah! Harcourt, appearances are very deceit- 
 ful, and he who forms his opinions from them 
 will blunder on in the dark, let the sun shine 
 ever so bright. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 And that is blundering indeed. 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 Captain O'Neil --my friend, Jack Flourish, 
 is a very whimsical fellow. If he had been out 
 of Limbo, you wou'd have seen him earlier; tor 
 I shou'd have brought him for my Second, 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 No, you would not ; tor to be Second in a Duel 
 is, in my mind, an employment pretty nearly 
 as honourable as to be Jack Ketch's Deputy. 
 
 CAPT, O'NEIL. 
 
 All the Flourishes are not of that opinion. I 
 presume you are no relation to that little game- 
 cock, Sir Simon? 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH, 
 
 My father a little game- cock ?
 
 42 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 CAPT. O'NEIL. 
 
 Sir Simon yoqr father ' Why, Sir Simon's 
 son is on his travels. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Yes, Sir Simon's son travels 'ike a mill- 
 horse, a great deal in a small space. But here 
 he is, here's Jack Flourish, and if he had not 
 had the wisdom to stay at home, he wou'd have 
 lost the good fortune of becoming acquainted 
 with you. He is a fool who quits Old England 
 for damme, if he'll find such fellows any where 
 as he leaves behind him. 
 
 CAPT. O'NEIL. 
 
 I should be jealous of your praise, if Old 
 England and Old Ireland were not exactly the 
 same spot of ground. So you are, really and 
 truly, the fine travell'd young Gentleman, Mr. 
 Flourish ? Oh, you are a hopeful boy ! I assure 
 you, your father believes you have been seen 
 and admir'd in every Court in Europe.' 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 So I ought to have been seen and admir'd in 
 every Court in Europe, but 1 was unluckily in- 
 troduc'd at the Court of King's Bench, and am 
 not likely to visit any other Court in a hurry. 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 You must contrive to be on terms with your 
 father, to assist me in obtaining his sanction to 
 my passion for his Ward, Miss Hartley. 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 What ! you have a passion for Miss Hartley r 
 So have I too That is unlucky. 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 A passion for Miss Hartley ?
 
 COMIC OPERA. 43 
 
 CAPT. O'NEIL. 
 
 Yes : but I am by no means sure she has a 
 passion for me : so, if you can prove she has for 
 you, there are two to one against me. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 I'll lay the odds. 
 
 CAPT. O'NEIL. 
 
 Is it so ? Enough said, then. He that can't 
 make sport, never let him spoil it. Tis true, 
 1 had a liking for the young Lady, but the first 
 principle of my liking \vas--to makeher happy ; 
 and as long as that is brought about, whether 
 by you or me, is the same thing among friends. 
 Ha ! ha! ha! ha! my young Traveller, I can't 
 help laughing to think that this very morning 
 I was dusting the coat of a relation of your's. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 That was very kind of you; and while your 
 hand is in, I'll thank you to dust mine for I'm 
 sure it \\ants it. 
 
 CAPT. O'NEIL. 
 
 Farewel, my young Travellerevery assist- 
 ance I can give, you may depend on- -Well, 
 Charles, you are a lucky dog to get such a 
 sweet girl as Miss Hartley. Oh, the dear crea- 
 tures, how I love them ! 
 
 SONG. 
 
 CAPT. O'NEIL. 
 IN the smiles of the fair 
 Is the best cure for care, 
 If ruffled our bosom, they charm it to ease; 
 Or with eye sweetly glancing, 
 Our hearts they set dancing, 
 Thev calm us and rous^ us e'en just as-they please.
 
 44 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 The, wise prop of a state, 
 
 Or the warrior so great, 
 Oft bows down to kiss Beauty's rod on his knees ; 
 
 'Tis the province of Beauty 
 
 To teach men their duty, 
 For women can do with us just what they please. 
 
 E'en the miser qnits gold, 
 
 Their bright charms to behold, 
 And gives them his soul, for he yields them his 
 keys; 
 
 The dear rogues are so clever, 
 
 Oh ! bless 'em for ever, 
 And may they rule over us just as they please. 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 Jack, I've been thinking how you are to get 
 at liberty. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Have you? Well, how ? 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 Acquaint your father that you are return 'd 
 from abroad, then get a Rule for the day, and 
 see him : his joy at the sight of you may soften 
 his heart, and pave the way for your forgive- 
 ness. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Well said. I'll do it. I'll have a rule --I'll 
 hire a horse, as we call it. 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 Well, my boy, success attend you. All the 
 assistance I can give you depend on. Farewel, 
 my young Traveller ! [Exit Harcourt. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Damme, 'tis a lucky thought. Aye, but they 
 won't trust me out alone. I must take one of 
 their watch dogs along with me. How shall I
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 
 
 manage that ? I have it. Yonder goes little 
 D;cky. That's hichy ! He's the man lor my 
 purpose. I must go to Monmouth-street my- 
 self, to brush up appearances, and so I'll take 
 little Dicky with me, dress him smartly, and 
 introduce him to my father as a Foreign Noble- 
 man who came over with me. ---Well said. 
 Huzza; Dicky! Dicky; (Calling to him I am so 
 happy that I shill seethe- outside of that damn'd 
 \vall once more! 
 
 Enter DICKY. 
 
 DICKY. 
 
 Do you vant me, Master Flourish ? 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Dicky, my boy, you are a clever little fel- 
 low; you are the only man that can serve me. 
 
 DICKY. 
 
 Vy, then, make it vorth my vhile, and no- 
 body readier. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 I am. going to have a Rule, hire a horse, as 
 we call it, and you shall get up behind. There 
 is nobody else in your way fit for a Gentleman's 
 companion : You aie the only genteel article. 
 
 DICKY. 
 
 To be sure, they are damn'd wulgar. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 I am going to take you to my father's, and 
 you must pass for a Man of Fashion. 
 
 DICKY. 
 
 Well, my Master, I'll try. I shall look it 
 very well. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 No, no : I must put you on a lac'd coat. 
 G
 
 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 DUET. 
 Young FLOURISH and DICKY. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 DICKY, I shall smartly dress you, 
 
 DICKY. 
 Ty, I'm smart enough, Lord bless you. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 Uo, no ! 
 
 DICKY. 
 Vy so ? 
 Vat am I to pass for, pray ? 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 For a man of rank, I say. 
 
 DICKY. 
 
 Vy then, dont I hit it quite ? 
 Sure I'm drest exaftly right. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 Why really, Dicky, I must own 
 You're in the style of men of ton, 
 In side-boxes oft we view 
 Men of Fashion drest like you. 
 
 DICKY. 
 
 In side-boxes oft you see 
 Men of Fashion drest like me. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 Very true, 
 Just like yon, 
 But that will not with daddy do. 
 
 DICKY. 
 Vy so?
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 47 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 You must know 
 Dad's a bit of the old Beau, 
 And thinks it most becoming when 
 Men of Fashion dress like Gentlemea, 
 
 DICKY. 
 
 In side-boxes oft* you see 
 Men of fashion drest like me. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 Dad thinks it most becoming when 
 Men of Fashion dress like Gentlemen. 
 
 [Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE IV. 
 
 TOM Jig Te sty's Chambers in the Temple. Young 
 TLSTY and SNARE at Breakfast. 
 
 SNARE. 
 
 And so you like London prodigiously ? 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Hugely ! What did my Quiz of a Father mean 
 by keeping me in the Country so long? I ought 
 to have been as wise as \ am now five years ago. 
 
 SNARE, 
 
 To be sure ; and your knowledge wou'd not 
 have surpriz'd people either. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 No, not at all. I am not half so knowing as 
 1 ought to be, for all I was bred in Yorkshire. 
 
 SNARE. 
 
 That was in your favour. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Oh ! 'twas Heaven's mercy I was pitched into 
 a cutish county, or I shou'd never have been
 
 48 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 ab'le to shew my face here. Why, boys of six- 
 teen here know a great deal more than I do. 
 
 SNARE. , 
 
 Eoys of sixteen! Men of sixteen, you mean ' 
 Sixteen; why, 'tis the prime of a man's life; Who 
 are your greatest men on the turf ?-- y our men 
 of sixteen. Who keep your dashing women ia 
 the greatest style ? v our men of sixteen. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 So I thought. It came into my head, that 
 keeping your dashing women v\as a very young 
 trick. 
 
 SNARE. 
 
 Every thing now is in a state of forwardness 
 unknown to our ancestors. London may be 
 termed an immense hot-house, where every 
 thing is forc'd. You eat your fruit before it is 
 in season. You run through your constitution 
 before it is matured. You spend your estate 
 before you are in possession, and get divorced 
 from your wife before you ought to have mar- 
 ried. 'Tis a lively system-- Is it not? 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Aye, a short life and a merry one. 
 
 SNARE. 
 
 But you were out of luck last night. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Yes, a little ; and when 1 had lost all my mo- 
 ney, it was vastly friendly of you to lend me 
 the 2001. but I lost them.toa. 
 
 SNAIIE. 
 
 It will, happen so sometimes- A lad of spirit 
 does not mind such trifles. I will thank you, 
 though, to return me the money : for 1 am ra- 
 ther out of cash.
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 49 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Eh! 
 
 SNARE. 
 
 I'll thank you for the 2001. I lent you. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 My dear friend, I could as soon give you a 
 million. My father doesnotallo\vance me in such 
 a grand stile as that conies to. I must catch 
 him in a devilish good humour, aye, and in a 
 great many of them, before I get 2001. of 
 him. 
 
 SNARE. 
 
 'Tis damn'd shabby of you to borrow money- 
 yon can't pay. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Is this your friendship? Why, did not you 
 force it on me? Did not you tell me you only 
 liv'd in obliging your friends? 
 
 SNARE. 
 
 You make a small mistake ; I told you, I 
 .only liv'd by obliging my friends. But as it is 
 not convenient to you to pay the money, give 
 me your Note, and it will do just as well. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Ah ! now you are my friend again. I thought 
 you would not desert me so soon. You who so 
 kindly took me by the hand -taught me to 
 punt at Faro, told me the nicks and crabs at 
 Hazard, and though you never play yourself, 
 were so kind<to introduce me to all your friends 
 that do. 
 
 SNARE. 
 
 Here's a stamp- sign your name I have 
 fill'd it up. I thought you cou'dn't pay me di- 
 reclly.
 
 50 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 What is this? " On demand, I promise to 
 " pay Nic. Snare, Esq. 4001. value receiv'd." 
 -Dang it, man, you lent me but two. 
 
 SNARE. 
 
 And do you think I'm to be paid nothing for 
 my risk? Your father may disinherit you, and 
 1 may never get a doit. No, no, I shall never 
 live by obliging my friends at that rate. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Oh, this is danin'd scandalous ' pay four hun- 
 dred pounds for two, :;nd not have the worth 
 of a sixpence to show for it! Damn London- - 
 I wish 1 had staid in Yorkshire all the days of 
 my life. 
 
 SNARE. 
 
 It is very ungrateful of you to put yourself in 
 ~a passion with nic, who have taught you so 
 many pretty games. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Yes, and you want to teach me another pretty 
 game-to shew me that One and One make 
 lour. 
 
 [Knock at the door. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 [JVilhoitt ] Tom ! Let me in. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Zounds, my father 1 I must open the door. 
 
 SNARE. 
 
 [Laying bold of him.'] No, you shan't till you 
 Lave settled our business. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Tom, I say, let me in. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Coming, Sir.
 
 A COMIC OPERA. Jl 
 
 SNARE. 
 
 If you don'tsign, I'll tell him all your pranks. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Signs ] There, and the devil do you good 
 with it. Damn Gamingdamn Swindling and 
 damn -^Opjnstbj door.'] How do you do, Sir. 
 
 Enter Old TESTY. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 How do I do ? You made great haste to ask 
 me ! "Why, you have company. Is this the way 
 you pass your mornings? You ought to be at 
 study, Sir. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 This Gentleman comes to assist me in my 
 studies, Sir. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Oh! that is very kind of him. Thank you, 
 Sir, for all you have taught my son. 
 
 SNARE. 
 
 O, Sir, 'tis a pleasure to me. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Do you practise much at the bar, Sir? 
 
 SNARE. 
 
 Not much now, Sir. I have had in my time 
 a pretty deal of Old Baily practice. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 And retir'd from it with your just deserts? 
 
 SNARE. 
 
 Not exactly', Sir, or I must say I should have 
 been in a more elevated situation. Men often 
 retire from the Bar with less than they merit. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 More's the pity. Well- I will not intrude 
 any longer, Tom. I call'd to give you money
 
 52 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 to pay for your furniture and your books: ne- 
 ver be in debt longer than you can help. Al- 
 ways pay your way. There's a draft for 40Ol. 
 and so good morning, and thank you ki n d'y 
 for all you have done for my son. [Exit. 
 
 SNARE. 
 
 A very good kind of an old gentleman that 
 father of your's: mind what he says "Never 
 be in debt longer than you can help. Always 
 pay your way." That 4001. will just balance 
 our little account. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Why, you an't such a rogue ? 
 SNARE. 
 
 You had better be correct in your language, 
 young Gentleman, or you must satisfy my ho- 
 nour. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Oh, damn your honour! Did not you hear 
 my father say, it was for my Upholsterer and 
 Bookseller ? They have been for their money 
 already, and if I don't pay them, who knows 
 but they w ill send me to jail ? 
 
 SNARE. 
 
 Oh no! Tradesmen are us'd to wait for 
 their money ; but Gentlemen, like me, must 
 touch the ready, or your character is lost for 
 ever. So at once pay me, or Til expose you. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 There -plague take you there is the money. 
 And now if I don't marry directly, I may go 
 
 hang myself; and of two evils 
 
 SNARE. 
 
 Marry, by all means. Good-bye, Tom. Be- 
 member, I live by obliging my friends ! r
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 The devil fly away with such friends ! Oh, 
 I'm in a pretty mess i If Miss Hartley hadn't 
 taken such-a fancy to me, what wou'd have be- 
 come of me ! 'Tis Heaven's mercy I was a likely 
 lad! My beauty has sav'd my bacon. I'm in 
 a fine way- -I shall certainly be arrested---! can't 
 save my liberty, that is certain. All 1 can do 
 is to try to lose it my own way. Of the two, 
 'tis better to marry than go to jail ; but at whose 
 suit I shall be obliged to surrender myself, my 
 Wife's, or my Tradesmen's, depends entirely 
 on whether the BaililF, or the Parson does his 
 business quickest. [Exit. 
 
 SCENE V. 
 
 Lady Flourish's DreFstng-Rooto. A Sopba, and 
 Sash Windcvo with Curtains. KITTY discovered. 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 Well, thank my stars,! shan't long beoblig'd 
 to do such menial business! Call'd here, and 
 call'd there No, no, I shall soon be young Mr. 
 Testy's wile ; and then Madam Testy will call 
 her servants about her as haughtily as the first 
 Lady in the land. 
 
 AIR. 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 WHAT a hard lot is ours now, indeed and indeed, 
 'Ti? a terrible life that we poor servants lead, 
 
 Up early and late, 
 
 To toil and to wait, 
 
 To do as one's bid, 
 
 Yet for ever be chid, 
 H
 
 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 Ill humours to bear, 
 And yet not to dare, 
 Tho* with anger we burn, 
 To be spiteful and cross in return. 
 What a hard lot is ours then, indeed and indeed, 
 'Tis a terrible life that we poor servants lead. 
 
 To be sure, when one happens a service to get in, 
 Where, to aid Madam's frolics, her secrets we're let in, 
 Why then, I must own, of our blabbing afraid, 
 The maid is th,e mistress, the mistress the maid. 
 
 They coax one so pretty, 
 
 'Tis " dear Mrs. Kitty I 
 
 You're so kind and clever, 
 
 I'll love you for ever." 
 
 Our wages they double, 
 
 Yet give us no trouble, 
 
 And, while they're so civil, 
 
 We're as saucy and pert as the devil. 
 What a hard lot is theirs then, indeed and indeed, 
 'Tis a terrible life our poor Mistresses lead ! 
 
 But the times arc so alter'd, these places are rare now, 
 For who knows their intrigues, there are few ladies 
 
 care now, 
 
 Afaux-pas to conceal they will use little labour, 
 Whilst each lady's in countenance kept by her neighbour. 
 Their spouses so kind too, 
 Such foibles are blind to, 
 Nay, some will assume our vocation; 
 If a go-between's needed, 
 We're pass'd by unheeded, 
 The husband takes our occupation. 
 What a strange lot is theirs then! indeed and indeed, 
 'Tis a whimsical life that some husbands lead.
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 
 
 
 
 Enter Old TESTY. 
 Dear me, here conies my papa that is to be. 
 
 OLD TESTY, 
 
 What j I have found somebody at last : I 
 have been hunting from room to room, and the 
 devil a soul cou'd I see. 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 Sir, my Master and Mistress are not at home. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Since I can't prove to the contrary, I incline 
 to believe so. 
 
 KITTY, 
 
 Pray, Sir, let me show you out. You have 
 intruded yourself into my Lady's dressing, 
 room. 
 
 OLP TESTY, 
 
 Don't hurry me, you young baggageand 
 pray who are you with that pretty face i 3 
 KITTY. 
 
 Your daughter that is to be. (Aside. ) lam 
 Kitty, Sir. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Kitty, you are a pretty girl. Give me a kiss, 
 Kitty. 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 Lord, Sir, don't be rumbustical J 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 I say, Kitty---this is what I have wanted a 
 long while. (Aside.) I say, Kitty, do you like 
 your place ? Shou'd you have any objection to 
 quit it, to live with a middle-aged gentleman as 
 a kind of a Housekeeper, eh ? 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 Lord, Sir, I hope you have no designs upon 
 iiiy Honour! [With offered delicacy.
 
 56 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 No, not I I daresay your honour has been 
 long out of the way of any body's designs But 
 tell me, cou'd you like such a plain-spojten, 
 comely-looking matter-of-facl-man as myself, 
 ch? 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 This is lucky. Ill humour the old fellow, and 
 when I marry his son, he'll not be angry with 
 me, for fear of my exposing him. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Well, what do you say, my pretty ? 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 I don't know what to say, Sir. -If I cou'd 
 have it under your hand that you woudn't for- 
 sake jne 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Under my hand hum '----Damn it, there is 
 no making Jove now without signing anc}, seal- 
 ing. A love-letter will be sent back unopen'd, 
 unless 'tis on stamp'd paper; and Cupid him- 
 self wou'd not be half so good a go-between a^ 
 a common Attorney. 
 
 AIR. 
 
 OLD TESTY, 
 WQMAK now by grace and feature, 
 
 Sighs and vows, will not be caught, 
 If you'd have the pretty creature, 
 Tlie pretty creature must be bought. 
 You may swear, 
 You may tear, 
 You may cry, 
 You may lie, 
 You may kneel, 
 You may feel 
 
 All the pangs that from love's raging fervours arise. 
 And proclaim her. an angel dropt down from the skies.
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 6J 
 
 No pity she shews 
 
 For your budget of woes ; 
 
 he scoffs at your tears, and derides all yoqr pain, 
 And e<ejj darling flatt'ry assails her in vain. 
 
 Who then finds the way 
 
 His addresses to pay, 
 In a style which this whimsical creature can fix ? 
 
 He who drives to her door 
 
 In a chariot and four, 
 Or old Nick himself in a fine qoach and sx. 
 
 Ij what am I to give you under my hand ? 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 Only your promise that you love me, and 
 "won't forsake me. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Come, there is no great harm in a promise 
 without a penalty. ( Aside. )^Takes oiit\ bis 
 Pocket -bock and writes on a leaf.'] There, there's 
 my written promise., and now, my pretty dear - 
 (Going to kiss her.) 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH, 
 
 (Without.) Kitty \ is your Lady come home, 
 Kitty? 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 Oh dear me, here is Sir Simon ! What shall 
 I do? Coming, Sir. I wotidn't have him see 
 you and me alone together, for the world. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Nor I neither. The rascal wou'd banter me 
 to death. 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 And I shou'd lose my character. Oh, dear 
 Sir, hide yourself. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Where? where?
 
 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 Any where, Sir. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Kitty? 
 
 KITTY, 
 
 Coming, Sir there, under the sopha, Sir, 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Zounds ! 1 shall be cramp'd to death, 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH, 
 
 Kitty, I say. 
 
 KITTY, 
 
 Make haste, make haste. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Well, if I must, I must. (Gets under the SQ 
 pba.) Send him away directly. 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 Yes, Sir, yes. 
 
 Enter Sir SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Why, Kitty, what are you in such a bustle 
 about ? My Lady is not at home, is she ? 
 
 KITTY. 1 
 
 No, Sir, no. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 I'm glad of it. I came home^on purpose ta 
 catch you alone, Kitty. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Oh ho' you did, did you? (From under tbe 
 sopba. ) 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 You are the prettiest little rogue in the world, 
 Kitty. You know how long I have been in love 
 with you, Kitty ; now, do have compassion on 
 me! 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 Pray, Sir, be quiet, and don't take such li- 
 berties.
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Why, my dear, charming Kitty. 
 
 LADY FLOURISH, 
 
 (Without.) Pray, Captain O'Neil, do me the 
 kindness to walk this way. 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 My Lady's voice ! 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 By all that's discordant ! She must not see 
 me here with you. I told her 1 should not be 
 at home till night. She'll suspeft something. 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 Well she may, if she sees me in this rum- 
 pl'd condition. Oh dear, what shall I do? where 
 shall I run? 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH, 
 
 Here here, -come, quick- 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 Oh dear ! oh dear ! 
 
 [Both go behind the window-curtain. 
 
 Enter Lady FLOURISH and Captain O'NEIL. 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 This way, Captain O'Neil. Allow me to 
 shew you into my little dressing-room. 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 Your Ladyship does me great honour 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 Pray, sit down. I conduced you here, Cap- 
 tain O'Neil, that I might not be agitated again. 
 by Sir Simon's intrusion. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Vastly well. 
 
 CAPT. O'NEIL. 
 
 Madam the reason of my calling now is
 
 66 ABROAD AND AT Ht)ME. 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 I know your reasons very well^ you can't inv 
 pose on me, though you have on my husband. 
 
 CAPT. O'NEIL. 
 
 My dear Lady, I wish to be understood. 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 I don't in the least doubt it : but gentlemen 
 Of your country, with the best intentions in the 
 uorld, sometimes find it a very difficult matter. 
 But I understand you perfectly ; the passion 
 you ventur'd to intimate this morning 
 
 CAPT. O'NEIL. 
 
 I have, now, my Lady, entirely relinquish'd-~ 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 What ! you barbarous man, have you en- 
 snared my susceptible heart, and do you now 
 abandon your conquest ? 
 
 CAPT. O'NEIL. 
 
 1 ensnare your susceptible heart 1 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 Yes, you inhuman creature ! - Oh ! Oh < 
 (crying) 'Tis too much, too much to bear! 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 ( Rushing from behind tie curtain.) 'Tis too 
 much for me to bear. To hear one's wife make 
 love to another man, is too much for anybody 
 to bear 
 
 CAPT. O'NEIL. 
 
 Sir Simon! 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 Sir Simon \ 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH, 
 
 Yes, the wrong 'd Sir Simon. Is this the way 
 you reward my faithful love, my fond attach- 
 ment r [Lady Flourish sinks on the so pha, fainting. 
 
 CAPT. O'NEIL. 
 
 Get her a little water, Sir Simon : I'll give 
 her some air. [Going towards ibe window.
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 61 
 
 SIR. SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Don't give her any air, she'll be better with- 
 out it. 
 [Captain O'Neil runs to open the window, he draws 
 
 up the curtains, and discovers Kitty : She 
 
 screams, which culls the attention of Lady 
 
 Flourish. J 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 Very well, Sir Simon! This is your faithful 
 \o\e-your fond attachment! 
 
 CAPT. O'NEIL. 
 
 Oh, the blessing of mutual affection ! These 
 are the fond turtle-doves. Faith you are well 
 pair'd. 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 I shall never recover this terrible shock! 
 
 CAPT. O'NEIL. 
 
 Now the impediment is remov'd, let me re- 
 commend a little ventilation to your Ladyship. 
 (Opens the window.) Pray sit, and enjoy it as 
 comfortably as you can. (Runs to the sopha, 
 and draws it back towards the window, by which 
 Old Testy 75 discovered ) What have we got 
 here! It looks like a great turtle, left on the 
 shore by the retiring of the tide. Favour me 
 with one of your fins. ( liaising him up by the 
 arm. ) 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Mr. Testy, what the devil do you do here ? 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 
 Mr. Testy, what is your business in my 
 dressing-room ? 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Your dressing-room is a place of wonderful 
 business indeed ! 
 
 1
 
 62 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 CAPT. C'NEIL. 
 
 Pray, to which party do you belong ? 
 
 (Pointing to Lady Flourish and Kitty.) 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Which party i You see I am out now ; and, 
 what is not uncommon, 1 kept my place as long 
 as I cou'd. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 What do you mean by your cuts and ins in 
 my house ? I have a great mind to make an ex- 
 ample of you. To be found under the sopha, 
 in my wife's dressing-room Why, the Bank of 
 England could hardly pay the damages a libe- 
 ral crim. con. Jury would give me. 
 
 FINALE. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 I'LL teach you to play the antic: 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 So you can, for you know how. 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 They'will surely drive me frantic. 
 
 KITTY. 
 I am innocent, I vow. 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 O be quiet ! 
 Make no riot. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 Make no riot! but I will. 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 You've forgot, (looking significantly at his cane). 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 No, I've not; 
 No, with you I'm very still. 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 Come, agree, 
 
 For I see , 
 
 You had all the self-same plan, 
 All but the modest Irishman.
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 63 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 For no good he came, 'tis certain. 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 I kr.o'-v nothing why he came ; 
 
 OLD TESTY. . 
 Why went you behind the curtain ? 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 Ah, Sir Simon, blush for shame ! 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 Oh, the curtain ! 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 Pretty flirting; 
 
 KIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 True, my tender, dotir.g wife, 
 Con^tnnt dove ! 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 Faithful love 1 
 
 CAPT. O'NEIL. 
 
 Phha 1 leave off this foolish strife, 
 For you had all the self-same plan. 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 But me and the modest Irishman. 
 
 KITTY. 
 Ma'am, forrnve me ; 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 That I'll never. 
 
 KITTY. 
 Don't forget your freaks are known 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 Character you've lost for ever : 
 
 KITTY. 
 Pray, my lady, where's your own ? 
 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 I don't heed it, 
 Servants need it, 
 Ladies do as well without.
 
 64 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 CAPT. O'NEIL, 
 Come, give o'er, 
 Talk no more, 
 
 Why keep up this foolish rout, 
 When you had all the self-same plan ? 
 LADY FLOURISH. 
 KITTY. 
 
 | ut me ~land the modest Irishman. 
 But mej 
 
 ALL. 
 
 Suspicions certainly appear, 
 But I'm in my conscience clear, 
 And therefore nothing have to fear $ 
 For you had all the self-same plan. 
 But me and the onodest Irishman. 
 ALTERNATELY. 
 'Tis quite shocking, 
 You're but mocking, 
 You to innocence pretend ! 
 You're found out, 
 Past a doubt: 
 
 Cease your folly to defend ; 
 For you had all the self-same plan, 
 But me and the modest Irishman.
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 65 
 
 ACT III. SCENE I. 
 
 A Garden. HARCOURT and HARRIOT discovered. 
 DUET. 
 
 HARCOURT and MISS HARTLEY. 
 TELL me, my love, wou'd'st thou forego 
 
 Transports, which only lovers know 
 
 To heal at once the poignant smart 
 That still must rack the anxious heart; 
 Trembling, lest all its scheme of joy 
 Fortune for ever shou'd destroy. 
 Ah no ! the throbbings of delight, 
 Which in each pulse proclaim thy sight, 
 The bounding heart's tumultuous beat, 
 Swelling its kindred heart to meet, 
 Are joys for which all pain I'd prove, 
 And never, never cease to love. 
 
 HARRIOT. 
 
 Here comes Sir Simon. Heavens ! how shall 
 1 account for your being here ? 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 Don't be alarm'd, my love ,*> I'll think of 
 some excuse. [They turn up the Stage. 
 
 Enter Sir SIMON. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Eh I who have we here ? a young man tete a tete 
 \vith my Ward ! Well done ; it runs through the 
 family ; I'll be bound there isn't an unpair'd 
 turtle in my whole establishment. This is a 
 \vor-.e business than my wife's a great dear, for 
 tliis young lady will wish to carry her fortune
 
 66 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 as well as her inclinations, out of my family. 
 Now, though my wife may send her affections 
 on a visit, I still keep at home all I married her 
 for. ( Harcourt and A'lss Hartley come forward. ) 
 Pray, Miss Hartley, have I the honour of know- 
 ing this Gentleman ? 
 
 MISS HARTLEY. 
 
 The Gentleman, Sir, has business with you. 
 
 [Retires. 
 
 HAFxCOURT. 
 
 Sir, your son, who is my particular friend, 
 both of the same College, has commissioned me 
 to acquaint you of his safe arrival in England. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 My boy arrived ! Huzza ! Sir, 1 shall be proud 
 of your acquaintance. How soon may I expc<5t 
 to see my son? 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 Very shortly, Sir. I got the start of him, 
 and hasten 'd to make you happy with this in- 
 telligence. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 How far have you been travelling, Sir? 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 Just as far as your son, Sir Simon ? 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Well, Sir, and how do you like foreign parts ? 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 Ah ! Sir, I believe Travellers, who have seen 
 more of foreign countries than 1 have, will give 
 the palm to Old England. 
 
 AIR. 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 THY glory in war let these proudly proclaim, 
 Who mistake discord's blast for the trumpet of fame,
 
 A COMIC OPERA.. 67 
 
 And give slaughter the meed of renown ; 
 
 'Tis, Britain, thy praise, 
 
 The sword ne'er tj raise 
 In ravage and plunder's fell cause; 
 But to guard sucred honour's pure laws, 
 And the pride of the base to bring down. 
 
 Stiil o'er the fall'n foe 
 
 Let pity's tear flow, 
 Not sound forth the triumph of blood. 
 No, Britain, thou art great and good ; 
 
 Let this thy glory be, 
 
 This let admiring nations see, 
 
 That with thee 
 
 Dwells sweet Humanity. 
 
 Sir, I must now take my leave. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Won't you stay till your friend arrives ? 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 Now, Sir Simon, I am particularly engaged ; 
 but I shall hope for the pleasure of being fur- 
 ther known to you. 
 
 Sill SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 You honour me very much, Sir, and a thou- 
 sand thanks for your kind visit. [Exit Harcourt. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 (Alone.} My son return'd, and so soon to see 
 him ! This atones for all my disasters. The 
 sight of my accomplish'd boy will almost com- 
 pensate for the loss of being Second in a Duel 
 to an Irishman ; will almost make me forget 
 the threshing he gave me, and my wife's mak- 
 ing love to him. These are misfortunes, to be 
 sure but Jack is come home, and I will think 
 no more of them. [Exit,
 
 68 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 HARRIOT comes forward. 
 (Pointing to Lady Flourish and Kitty.) 
 
 HARRIOT. 
 
 I will endeavour to repress every anxious 
 thought, and dwell only on the prospect of 
 future happiness. 
 
 AIR. 
 
 MISS HARTLEY. 
 
 COME, smiling Hope, dispel each chilling fear, 
 And with thy glowing beams my bosom cheer; 
 On future blessings dart thy vivid ray, 
 Chasing the low'ring clouds of doubt away; 
 To bright perspective still direct my eye, 
 And cast in shade the blighted objects nigh. 
 
 SCNE 1L 
 
 A Street. Enter BLUFF, the Bailiff, and 
 Followers. 
 
 BLUFF. 
 
 Are you sure, Tom, you dogg'd the right 
 man ? 
 
 ist. FOLLOWER. 
 
 Quite sure, Master Bluff. 
 
 BLUFF. 
 
 And why didn't you take him ? 
 
 ist .FOLLOWER. 
 
 Because he got into church before I could get 
 at him. 
 
 BLUFF. 
 
 And so I am to be kept waiting here till 
 he chuses to come out of church ? Oh, here he 
 coines.
 
 A COMIC OPERA- 69 
 
 Enter Young TESTY and KITTY. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Well, the job is done ; I'm a married man 
 for the first time in my life. Tis devilish co- 
 mical. I wonder how I shall like it ! Mrs. 
 Testy, how do you do, my dear? 
 KITTY. 
 
 How do you do, Tom ? 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Tc:n! I don't know whether I like to be 
 call'd Tom now. It don't shew respect enough 
 from a Wife to her Husband. 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 Respeft from a Wife to a Husband \ O Tom \ 
 your Country Education ! 1 see you will be 
 very troublesome to me. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 I don't know whether I shall be troublesome 
 or no. Dang it, one can't begin too soon to 
 shew one is determin'd to wear the breeches. 
 (Aside.) Mrs. Testy, 1 desire you will consi- 
 der what is due to a Husband. 
 KITTY. 
 
 And I desire, Mr. Testy, you will consider 
 what is due to a Wife. 
 
 BLUFF. 
 
 And I desire, Mr. Testy, you will consider 
 what is due to a Creditor. (Taps him on the 
 shoulder .) I am sorry, good folks, to interrupt 
 your nuptial harmony. Here's a little bit of a 
 writ against you. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 At whose suit ? 
 
 BLUFF. 
 
 Your Bookseller's.
 
 7O ABROAD ANP AT HOME. 
 
 xsc. FOLLOWER. 
 
 And here's another. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 At whose suit? 
 
 ist. FOLLOWER. 
 
 Your Upholsterer's. 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 Writs against my dearly beloved ? How soon 
 the comforts of matrimony begin 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Well, I don't mind; when I touch my '.rife* 
 fortune I shall be at liberty directly. 
 KITTY. 
 
 Your debts must be very small, if your wife's 
 fortune will pay them. [Aside. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Where must I gO; J 
 
 BLUFF. 
 
 That depends on how much of the ready you 
 have got. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Damn it, they are all for the ready. I say, 
 wife my dear 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 (Sulkily.) What do you want? 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Have you got any of the ready ? 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 No, not I. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 ^ Have n't you, indeed ! search. 
 
 KI FTY. 
 
 I have nothing kit two pocket pieces and a 
 silver bodkin. 
 
 BLUFF. 
 
 Come, come, poor as a rat, I sec You
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 71 
 
 must go to prison directly; I have no house- 
 room tor such paupers as you : so come along. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 My darling and must I be torn from my 
 loving wife ? [Sobbing. 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 Oh, dear' Oh, dear! 'tis very distressing. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Bless my soul, who is that coming yonder-^ 
 Sure, 'tis Jack Flourish ; it isStand back a 
 little. 
 
 Enter Young FLOURISH and DICKY, both dretst d 
 in Monnwuih-street Finery. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Here I am once more at large in London 
 streets. What a luxury it is again to be 
 jostled about, and nearly run over by the 
 coaches and carts'. Lord, how happy I am to 
 be out of that damn'd cage, though only for a 
 day! Dicky, you look vastly well. 
 
 DICKY. 
 
 Yes, my master, good clothes become me. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH, 
 
 As I was obliged to have a jailer to attend 
 me, it is lucky, Dicky, I cou'd get one so much 
 of a gentleman. 
 
 DICKY. 
 
 It wou'd be damn'd hard if I cou'd not behave 
 like a gemman, who have liv'd all my life in 
 gemmen's company, in the King's Bench, and 
 the Marshalsea,and the Debtors Side of New gate. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Yes, Dicky, 'tis certainly very genteel to be 
 intimate in those places ; but, you know, onp 
 shou'd not brag of one's connections : so mum's 
 the word before my father ; I must pass you
 
 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 off for a Foreign Count ; so mind your hits, 
 Dicky. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Ecod, I'll speak to him. Don't let him see 
 .your face. Do you walk a little that way ; (to 
 'Kitty (for as I am going to ask a favour of 
 him, it might not be so prudent to let him 
 know I have married his Mistress. 
 
 KiTTY, 
 
 Lord ! you fool, many a gentleman would be 
 much oblig'd to you for marrying his Mistress. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 I say, JackJack Flourish--* 
 
 . '" YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Eh! 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 What, don't you know me ? I know you, you 
 see, for all yqur outlandish clothes. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 What, Tom Testy ? 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Yes, I be Tom Testy. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 I am devilish glad to see you. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Be you indeed! that's right. 'Tis lucky to 
 meet friends when one wants them, is it not? 
 One should never be shy of a friend when he is 
 in trouble, shou'd one? 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 No, to be sure. What the devil does he 
 can ? [Aside. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 IF I were to meet a friend with a Bailiff at his 
 elbow (Flourish- tarwj and looks at Dicky) I 
 should be as glad to see him as if I met him 
 walking with a Nobleman.
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 73 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Bailiff and Nobleman ! Yes, yes, he twigs 
 me. He knows Dicky here in his real and mas- 
 querade character both. [Aside. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 I say, I should be as happy to shake hands 
 with him at one time as another. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 And so should I, upon my soul. (Shaking 
 hands.") O damn it, all's up I am found out 
 [Aside.'] I say, Tom I see how the thing is 
 How the devil came you to know it ? 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Know it ! dang it, I could not help knowing 
 it ; for before he said a word, he gave me such a 
 cursed thump on the shoulder, as nobody 
 would have ventur'd to have done that hadn't 
 the law to back him. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Eh- [Looking about and seeing Bluff. 
 
 BLUFF. 
 
 Come, come, I an't to stay here a whole Term 
 arresting you. Will the Gemman bail you or 
 pot? 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Aye, Jack, will you bail me ? 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 I bail !- I bail you ! Here's an affair ! What, 
 Tom, you arrested ? ha! ha! well said, young 
 Rural. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Don't laugh! don't laugh, JackWhat will 
 you do for me? 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 I can't bail you, I'm not an housekeeper, 
 where are you going ?
 
 47 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 YOUNC TESTY. 
 
 fib Bluff.] Ay, where am I going ? 
 
 BLUFF. 
 
 \ Straight to the King's Bench. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 The King's Bench- -that's unlucky 
 for then we shall know more of one another 
 than I wish. I say, Tom, Newgate is a very 
 pretty prison. You had better go to New- 
 gate. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Newgate 1 Don't mention it 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Well, there is no persuading people to their 
 good against their inclination. If you will go 
 to the King's Bench, I will certainly come and 
 see you there. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Will you be so kind ? 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 I will, upon my soul. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 It is vastly good-natur'd of you. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Not at all. It won't be putting me out of 
 my way in the least. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 It is your good-nature makes you say sa. 
 Good-bye, Jack; we shall meet again soon, 
 then. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Yes, Tom, much sooner than I wh\\.r Aside.*] 
 Farewel. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Good-bye, you'll not forget to come.
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 15 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 No, not I : but if I should, here is a Gentleman 
 will remind me. 
 
 [Qxeunt Young Flourish and Dicky 
 
 BLUFF. 
 
 Take care of him. [To one of bis Followers, 
 ivbo exitivilh Young Testy. ] Now how stand our 
 other jobs? 
 
 QUARTETO. 
 BLUFF and FOLLOWERS. 
 
 JEMMY Chimer, the rhymer, from his garret I Jiawl'-d, 
 By Sir Thunder O'Blunder I was cursedly maul'd; 
 For young Stakeall of Rakehall I was sent on the scout, 
 So I sought him and caught him at Lady Plunder's rout. 
 Blessing on those gaming-houses ! 
 Oh, the thought our spirits rouses, 
 They're the cause of our well-doing, 
 They draw in the flats to ruin. 
 Charming Faro ! 
 Game so rare O ! 
 Fleece away, ye dames of style, 
 Fill your purses, 
 Laugh at curses, 
 Bailiffs bless you all the while. 
 uf. I've a writ for Colonel Spendall, 
 zd, I have one for Doctor Endall, 
 3</. And I one for Simon Lendall. 
 
 ALL. 
 
 Bravo ! Nab 'em, have 'em tight, 
 Merry then we'll be at night; 
 These will yield a jovial quaff 
 To us Officers o' th' staff.
 
 76 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 SCEXE HI. 
 
 Sir Simon's House. Enter Sir SIMON and Old 
 
 TESTY. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 I am surpriz'd you have the assurance to en- 
 ter my doors again. Where the devil are you 
 come to hide yourself now? There is no so- 
 pha here for you : but you may get up the chim- 
 ney if you will. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Pshaw ! I am come on business, you'll, may 
 be, like worse: -Your darling Boy, your ac- 
 complish'd Traveller is not far off. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 I know it. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 You know it, do you ? What, you know he is 
 in the King's Bench ? 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 What do you say ? 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 In Banco R egis. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 What the devil should he do in the King's 
 Bench. He is just arrived from abroad, and I 
 shall see him in a few minutes. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 In a few minutes! So you may, but you 
 must gallop to St. George's Fields", then ha! 
 ha 5 ha'- the all-accomplish'd youth that has 
 been getting the finishing stroke to his fashion- 
 able education Well, you have not been much
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 
 
 outit is the finishing stroke to many a fashion- 
 able education. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH'. 
 
 What is come to the man ! That dairm'd so- 
 pha you crept under, has cramp'd your {acuities 
 as well as your limbs. Don't tease me with 
 your nonsense. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH, 
 
 [JVitbout.^ Par ici, Monsieur le Conite. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 There, there, what dye say now ? My son is in 
 the King's Bench, is lie ? 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Why here he is faith, and I've been told a 
 damn'd lie then. 
 
 Enter YOUNG FLOURISH and DICKY. 
 
 SIR .SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 My dear, dear Jack, come to my arms. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Abl men Pcre, comment ivus portcz vous? O 
 tnon Dicu ! I had forgot---! must speak English 
 now. ---How do you do, father ? 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 What, forgot your English, boy ? 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 'Tis so long since 1 have spoken it, that it is as 
 aiikward to me, as the acknowledgment of an 
 old friend to a man who has got sudden promo- 
 tion. Well, father, how do you do ?" 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Happy to see you, my boy. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Bien oblige Damn it, there I go again. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Never mind, Jack, it shews your breeding. 
 L
 
 78 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Ah i Testy ! how are you, my old boy ? 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 La ! la /There's French for you, puppy. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 As sulky as ever, eh! (Slapping him on the 
 shoulder.) Why don't you travel and polish a 
 bit, my old Buck ? 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Polish a bit, my old Buck ! Don't be so 
 darnn'd familiar, or I shall try whether my 
 cane can't polish a bit my young Buck. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 What a sour old Crab it is, father Permit- 
 tez moide vous presenter~( Stopping himself.) Psha 
 that is, permit me to introduce to you my friend 
 and companion, Count Tipstaffo Kingsbencheni. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Those damn'd foreign names- I never cou'd 
 learn one of them. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 I am the Count's most obsequious humble 
 servant. 
 
 DICKY. 
 Vy, my Master, for matter of that 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Silence, you dog, or you'll ruin me. f Aside.'] 
 The Count speaks little English Hush*! 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Well, my boy, tell me where you have been. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 You'll know all in good time, father : to tell 
 you at once where I have been, would surprise 
 you too much, 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Really \ 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 It wou'd, upon my honour.
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 79 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 What, then, you have been further than you 
 expected to go? 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Not further. I have been where I did not 
 expect to go. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Indeed'- 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Now the old doting fool will swallow all hia 
 lies for gospel. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Well, Jack, come tell me all about it. I say, 
 are the women very pretty abroad? 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 If I had not found them so pretty at home, I 
 might have been able to tell you. (Aside) The 
 women, Sir, are, to be sure, very handsome; 
 but leaving England to seek Beauty, is like going 
 abroad to look for Liberty. The prime commo- 
 dities are in our own market. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Well, Jack, in what Court did you chiefly re- 
 side ? 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 In what Court? Why, where I chiefly re- 
 sided was not exactly a Court ; but it belong'd 
 to one. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 And so, my son liv'd in a palace ? 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Yes, yes, a kind of a palacelarge enough of 
 all conscience : rooms rather shabby, though- 
 not kept neat and surrounded by a damn'd 
 high wall. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Aye, for fear people shoird get in. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 No, for fear people shou'd get out.
 
 SO ABROAD AND AT HOME, 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 What, so afraid to part with you ? 
 
 YOUN.G FLOURISH. 
 
 Oh! very much--Once have the honour to 
 get in, 'tis devilish, hard to get out again. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. '^ -\ 
 
 Now, in my mind, that is carrying civility 
 too far. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 But how is my mother-in-law, Lady Flourish, 
 eh? why you look glum. Father; has any thing 
 happened? 
 
 SIR SLMOX FLOURISH. 
 
 O! nothing, but what is so common now-a- 
 days, that 'tis quite a folly to think about it. 
 But I am very rude to pay so little attention to 
 your friend the Count. Sir, wou'd you be pleased 
 to take some refreshment? 
 
 DICKY. 
 
 I thanks your Honour, nothing at all : I took 
 a drop of gin as I came along. 
 
 YOUNG. FLOURISH. 
 
 Oh! curse you, you stupid dog. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 A drap of gin ! 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Tis a strange liqueur for a foreign noble- 
 Count speaks English pretty flu- 
 ently, though rather queerly. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 he'rio 5 ' } T' ^ d 1 n ' 1 t ., s P^k much ; but the little 
 ie does, he speaks like a native. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Yes, like a native of Broad St. Giles's. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH 
 
 Don't let him hear you : h'ell be offended,
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 81 
 
 and he is a damn'd fighting little fellow, when 
 he is provok'd. 
 
 Enter Servant,, and girts a Letter to Sir Simon- 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH, 
 
 (Opens it.} It looks like a woman's .hand. 
 (Reads.} " This comes to desire you to tell Mr. 
 " Testy, that his son is in the King's Bench. 
 " This is from one who is much concern'd in 
 " his welfare." Why, Testy, you find there is 
 a little bit of a mistake. 'Tis your son, not 
 mine,, that is in the King's Bench ha! ha! ha! 
 ha! 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 I don't know whether I am awake, or asleep, 
 alive or dead. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. . 
 
 Ha! ha! ha! he would have it you were in 
 the King's Bench. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 (Confused, and endeavouring to , overcome it by 
 assum'd gaiety ) I in the King's Bench! yes! I 
 look vasfly as if I had been in the King's Bench 
 ha! ha! ha! 
 
 ALL 
 
 (Laugh at Testy) Ha, ha!. ha! ha! 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 It can't be. 'Tis out of all human'possibility. 
 
 SIR. SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 You may soon be convincd ; you may s?e 
 him in a few minutes -*-' but you must gallop 
 to St. George's Fields, then" ha! ha! ha! ha < 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 I'll go direftly, and if I find him there, I'll 
 disinherit him ; and I'll adoptdamme- -I'll 
 adopt one of the Catabaw Indians.
 
 ABROAD AND AT HOME, 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 We will go along with you. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Come then, call a coach there I'm mad-- 
 stark mad. [^W/ Old Testy. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Won't you go, Jack ? 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 What, to the King's Bench ? I wonder what 
 kind of a place it can be. 1 have a great mind 
 to go out of curiosity. What do you say, 
 Count ? Will you go by way of a lounge ? 
 
 [Dicky going to speak, Young Flourish 
 
 stops him.'] 
 You need not speak, the Count nods assent. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Aye, it will be a new sight to the Count. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Not very. (Aside.] Come, Dicky, for go we 
 must, you know. 
 
 DICKY. 
 
 Aye, aye, returnable nolens, wlcns. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Hush ! yes, yes, the Count and I will go with 
 you, and see this queer kind of a place. What 
 do you stop for, father ? 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 To let the Count go first. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Aye, by all means. I beg the Count's pardon. 
 [They go off ceremoniously.
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 
 
 SCENE ll r . 
 
 An Apartment In the King's Bench ; KITTY and 
 Young TESTY, with the Keeper, discovered 
 
 KEEPER. 
 
 Though the prison is so full, you have got as 
 good as a room to yourselves, for there is only 
 one gentleman belongs to it. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 One gentleman belongs to it! 
 
 KEEPER. 
 
 Yes. He is gone out on a Day Rule, but he 
 must be home soon ; he'll be pleasant company 
 for you and the Lady. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Yes, very! 'Tis devilish pleasant to have a 
 gentleman sleep in the room with one's wife. 
 
 KEEPER. 
 
 It may be a little awkward to the Lady at first, 
 but she'll soon come into it. 
 
 OLD TESTY, 
 
 (Without.) Where is this ungracious villain ? 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Oh lord ' Oh lord ! here's my father. Hide 
 yourself, hide yourself, (to Kitty, -who conceals 
 herself behind one of the beds.) Now I shall have 
 it sweetly. 
 
 Enter Old TESTY, Sir SIMON, and Young 
 FLOURISH. 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Let me come to the rascal (they hold him.) 
 Why, you graceless wretch, what have you to 
 say for yourself?
 
 ABROAD AND ATJ 
 
 JNG TESTY. 
 
 for myself. 
 
 They have lodg'd him in my room, 
 
 P' lten OLD TESTY. 
 
 You to turn out profligate and extravagant, 
 when I took such care to tne ** 
 
 I breed you out of the way of a 
 
 ai ' m SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Yes and therefore not knowing it, when n 
 saw it,' how was he able to avoid it? 
 
 YOUNG TESTY, 
 
 Aye how was 1 able to avoid it ? 
 
 J } OLD TESTY. 
 
 . 
 
 Till you came to London, did you^ know 
 what it was to have more than six-pence in your 
 pocket? s ^ SIMQN FLOURISII . 
 
 Then how the devil did you expert him to 
 know the value of guineas, when you trusted 
 him with them ? 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Hold your tongue, will you? 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Didn't I always tell you how foolish you were 
 to bring him up in that ridiculous way. 
 knew my plan was the best, was it not, my boy? 
 >(To Young Flourish, 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Oh certainly, lather ; no doubt about it. 
 
 KEEPER. 
 
 Oh, here's Master Flourish come home. < 
 Pray, Master Flourish- - 
 
 (Young Flourish makes signs tohimto bold 
 bis fongue.']
 
 A COMIC OfERA. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOUIl SH. 
 
 Master Flourish come home ! Why, how the 
 devil does he know you ? 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 (Crossing over to the Keeper.} Ah! what., Bob- 
 by, is it you? Hold your tongue you, dog 
 Oh ! I knew Bobby abroad ! Bobby was head 
 jailer to the Emperor of Morocco. Ah! Bob- 
 by! how do you do, Bobby how long have 
 you been in England, Bobby ? 
 KEEPER, ' 
 
 How long have I - 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 (Putting bis band to his mouth, and drawing' 
 him aside.} I want to talk with you, Bobby, 
 about the Emperor's two daughters^ Bobla- 
 tilda and Gruntawiska. Come this way -Ex- 
 cuse me (7o Sir Simon.) I have some secrets 
 to talk to Bobby about. (They go up the stage. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Well, you rascal, what can you say for your- 
 self, you stupid dolt ? 
 
 YOUNG TESTY; 
 
 Why father, if I have been a stupid dolt one 
 way, I have been pretty cunning another. I was 
 cheated out of my money, to be sure, but I 
 have cheated other people out of a Wife. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 A Wife j What does the blockhead mean ? 
 
 YOUNG TESTY, 
 
 Not such a blockhead as you think. .-Suppose 
 now, I should have married Miss Hartley, all 
 out of my own head, without any of your help? 
 
 OLD TESTY AND SIR SIMON FLOURISH* 
 
 Married Miss Hartley ! 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Aye, married Miss Hartley; and suppose she 
 M
 
 8 6 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 fc^e well eriough to follow me to 
 
 prison. 
 
 Enter Miss HARTLEY, HARCOURT, and 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Prodigious ! SIRSIMONFLOURISH . 
 
 Nothing but my own eyes cou'd have con- 
 vinc'dme. OLD TESTY . 
 
 Come to my arms. All is forgiven. You 
 are a clever rogue. I did not think it had been 
 in you. Eh I Simon, what do you think of my 
 boy now? 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 I am petrified ! 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Huzza'- huzza! Yorkshire for even Huzza! 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 I am glad to find you so merry ; we heard 
 you were come here, and thinking a friend of 
 our's might be in a little hobble, we came to 
 intercede. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 There needs no intercession ; 'tis all right 
 'tis all as it shou'd be, my dear girl. (To Miss 
 Hartley) We have heard of your marriage. 
 Take him, take him, take your husband. 
 
 MISS HARTLEY. 
 
 Sir! 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Nay, don't be shame-fac'd ; it is all known; 
 'tis all forgiv'n. 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 All known ! all forgiv'n ! Generous conduct ! 
 our mutual affection made us overlook every 
 other consideration, and marriage has now ra- 
 tified the union of our hearts. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 What is all this?
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 8? 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Why, Tom, what the devil, has your wife 
 married another husband so soon ? 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 What do you mean ? 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Why what the devil right have you to marry 
 Tom's wife ? 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 My wife ! that is a good one. I believe they 
 are all mad. I never saw that fine Lady in my 
 life. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 You didn't ? And all you have been telling 
 me about your marriage is a damn'd lie then--- 
 Let me come at him. [They bold him. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 Will you be quiet, father, and hear a little 
 reason ? I tell you I married Miss Hartley, and 
 you shall have her own word for it. Mrs. 
 Testy ! Mrs. Testy i 
 
 KITTY comes forward. 
 There, what doyou say now ? There's my wife' 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 The devil it is ! 
 
 ALL. 
 
 Ha! ha! ha! hat 
 
 YOUNG TESTY- 
 
 Why, what the devil do you all laugh at ? 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Only at a little error in your politics My 
 rural Machiavel, instead of the Mistress, you 
 have married the Maid ! 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 
 What j
 
 8 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 It is very. true, husband. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY, 
 
 The devil it is ! 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Well, Mr. Wiseacre, you have married all 
 out of your own head, without my help, and 
 now you may keep your precious bargain with- 
 out my help. You may starve, you may rot in 
 a prison, for you shall never have sixpence 
 from me. 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 Lord, Sir, how can you be so unkind ! You 
 didn't look so cross at me the last time I saw you. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Eh I what? 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 Don't you remember, how good-humour'd 
 y ou look 'dj ust before you got under the sopha. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Oh ! now the murder is out. I say, Testy, 
 you had better give hush-money, for if we old 
 fellows let the girls tell all they know about us, 
 it may not be for our credit : besides, the world 
 may be spiteful enough to say you are angry 
 with your son, because you wanted to marry 
 the girl yourself. 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 I don't know., Sir, as to marrying, but I have 
 a little bit of paper here, which 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Hold your tongue Say no more. I believe 
 you are quite good enough for the blockhead 
 you have got, and so he may pack into York- 
 shire again, and carry you with him as a sam- 
 ple of a London Fine Lady.
 
 A COMIC OPERA. 89 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 But this gentleman's taking the liberty of 
 marrying our Ward without our consent is a 
 thing which. --- 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 Oh ! 'tis a very great insult and a word in 
 your ear, my little game-cock If you mean to 
 call him to account for it, I'll be your Second. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. ' 
 
 I don't want to have any thing to do with 
 Seconds. 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 When I was going to fight him, you were to 
 have been my Second, and I only oifer to re- 
 turn the obligation. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 What, is this the gentleman you redeem'd out 
 of prison, to have the pleasure of fighting? 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 Is it to you, then, I owe my liberty? .Gene- 
 rous man! 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 Oh, it was very generous, to be sure, to re- 
 lease you out of prison, that I might have the 
 satisfaction of sending you out of the world. 
 But Sir Simon, this "gentleman, in fortune, is 
 equal to the Lady he has wedded. 
 _H ARCOURT. 
 
 Captain O'Neil, I am not conscious of what 
 you are asserting 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 But I am, or I wou'd not assert it. Under- 
 standing that your Uncle had taken it into his 
 head to be angry with you for nothing at all, 
 I called on the old gentleman to talk with him 
 a little about it" If your Nephew had beet
 
 . 
 
 guilty of a dishonourable aftion," said I, " de- 
 vil a word wou'd O'Neil offer in his behalf ; 
 but as he has been a dupe to the villainy of 
 others, restore him to your favour, and launch 
 him into the world again, with experience for 
 his Pilot." So the old gentleman shook hands 
 xvith me, and swore he was ready to do the 
 same with you as soon as you pleased. 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 
 Thanks are too poor for such nobleness of 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 Nobleness of soul ! for walking a few steps 
 out of my common road, for the pleasure of 
 reconciling a discarded Nephew to a rich old 
 Uncle. Oh ! if people wou'd but just lengthen 
 their morning's walk to do a few good baturd 
 actions, they can scarcely conceive what health 
 and spirits such exercise wou'd give them, and 
 how much sweeter they wou'd rest for it at 
 night ! 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Harcourt, I give you joy. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Give him joy ---why, you part with your Mis- 
 tress very easily. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 'Tis the fashion, father. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Well, I think we may all adjourn, we have 
 staid in this dismal place long enough. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 I have for one, I'm sure. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Then let us be gone dire&ly. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 That is seoner said than done.
 
 COMIC OPERA. 9! 
 
 Enter DICKY. 
 
 DICKY. 
 
 Master Flourish, here is the man, from Mon- 
 mouth Street. He knows you are come home, 
 and he must and will have his cloaths. He has 
 got mine. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Must have his cloaths.--K.nows you are come 
 home ! Why, that is the Count. I smell powder. 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 And that is a scent I know you're not fond of. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Hush !---Knows you are come home! What, 
 this is your home then ? 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 W T hy, father, the the the 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 The- -the- I thought there was something 
 damn'd odd about that Emperor of Moroco's 
 Jailer, and I suppose you will tell me now, the 
 Count is the Emperor himself. 
 
 YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 
 Come, father, the truth must out--The two 
 different systems of education have at last been 
 compleated in the same college ; and though I 
 don't think keepingTerms here absolutely neces- 
 sary for the finish of every young gentleman's 
 education; yet, as a school of adversity it has 
 taught me this lesson Never, by folly and ex- 
 travagance, to run the chance of returning, 
 when once you do me the honour to take my 
 name out of the books 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NEIL. 
 
 Come, you must forgive him. You know the 
 brave are always compassionate. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 
 Very true ; besides, it is useless to repine at
 
 92 ABROAD AND AT HOME. 
 
 what is past, especially as you acknowledge 
 you have learn'd some good, which I am not 
 quite sure you won d have done by travelling -> 
 And if your friends here will l/e but indulgent, 
 you may possess all the credit ot going Aorcad 
 with the advantage of having remained at Home. 
 FINALE. 
 
 CAPTAIN O'NF.IL. 
 Now put an end to silly strife, 
 
 Malice is but folly ; 
 Let's wisely pass a merry life, 
 Waste no jot in care. 
 
 SIR SIMON FLOURISH. 
 Why that's well said, come, let's away . 
 With hearts good humour'd, faces gay, 
 And sing fal, lal, &c. 
 
 HARCOURT. 
 Possessing all I prize on earth, 
 
 Farewel, melancholy, 
 Each hour will give new pleasure birth, 
 Blest with thee, my fair. 
 
 Miss HARTLEY. 
 Then tune to joy the duleet note, 
 
 On harmony let pleasure float, 
 And sing fal, lal, &c. 
 
 YOUNG TESTY. 
 To harmony I don't object, 
 
 While I've luck to meet it; 
 In home duets I can't expect 
 Much of harmony. 
 
 KITTY. 
 
 Come let's be wise, and from this day, 
 With hearts good humour'd. faces ffav. 
 We'll sing fal, lal, &c. 
 
 - * YOUNG FLOURISH. 
 Our mirth andjoy may all partake, 
 
 Humbly I intreat it, 
 And let your cheering plaudits make 
 Our poet full of glee. 
 
 OLD TESTY. 
 
 Then tune to joy the dulcet note, 
 On harmony let pleasure float, 
 And sing fal, lal, &c. 
 
 THE END.
 
 THE 
 
 CASTLE SPECTRE 
 
 A DRAMA. 
 
 IN FIVE ACTS. 
 
 FIRST PERFORMED AT THE THEATRE ROYAL, DRURY-LANE, 
 ON THURSDAY, DECEMBER 14, 1797. 
 
 By M. G. LEWI S, Efy. M. P. 
 
 AUTHOR OF THE MONK, &C. 
 
 Io me n' andrri colla harcfietta m'u, 
 Qua'nio 1'acqua comporta un piceiol legno j 
 K c<o, ch' io penfo colla fautafia, 
 3)i piaccre aJ ogiiuno e il mio difegno : 
 lien fo, che fpeifo, come gia Morgante, 
 l.arciato ho forfe troppo andar la uuzza; 
 Ma dove fia poi judice bjftart?, , 
 
 Materia c' e da camera, c da puz^o. 
 
 Putci. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 PRINTED 1'OR J, BELL, NO. 148, OXFORD-STREET. 
 M.DCC.XCVIIJ.
 
 PROLOGUE. 
 
 SPOKEN BY MR. WROUGHTON*. 
 
 FAR from the.haunts of men, of vice the foe, 
 The moon-ftruck child of genius and of woe, 
 Verfed in each magic fpell, and dear to fame, 
 A fair enchantrefs dwells, Romance her name. 
 She loathes the fun, or blazing taper's light : 
 The moon-beam'd landscape and tempeftuous night 
 Alone (he loves ; and oft, with glimmering lamp, 
 Near graves new-open'd, or 'midft dungeons damp, 
 Drear forefts, ruin'd aifles, and haunted towers, 
 Forlorn me roves, and raves away the hours 1 
 Anon, \vhen ftorms howl loud and lafti the deep, 
 Defperate (he climbs the fea-rock's beetling fteep ; 
 There wildly ftrikes her harp's fantaitic ftrings, 
 Tells to the moon how grief her bofom wrings, 
 And while her ftrange long chaunts fictitious ills, 
 In wounded hearts Oblivion's balm diftills. 
 
 A youth, who yet has lived enough to know 
 That life has thorns, and tafte the cup of woe, 
 As late near Conway's time-bowed towers he ftray'd, 
 Jnvok'd this bright enthufiaft's magic aid. 
 His prayer was heard. With arms and bofom bare. 
 Eyes flaming fire, loofe robes, and ftreaming hair, 
 ' Her heart all anguifh, and her foul all flame, 
 Swift as her thoughts, the lovely maniac came ! 
 High heav'd her breafts, which flruggling paifions rent, 
 As preft to give fom fear-fraught myftery vent : 
 A 2
 
 iv PROLOGUE., 
 
 And oft, with anxious glance and alter 'd face, 
 Trembling with terror, (he relaxed her pace, 
 And ftopt ! and liftened ! Then with hurried tread 
 Onwards again fhe rnfh'd, yet backwards bent her head, 
 As if from murderous fwords or following fiends fhe fled 
 
 Soon as near Conway's walls her footfteps drew, 
 She bade the youth their ancient ftate renew : 
 Eager he fped the fallen towers to rear : 
 'Twas done, and fancy bore the fabric here. 
 Next choofing from great Shakfpeare's comic fchool, 
 The goflip crone, grofs friar, and gibing fool 
 Thefe, with a virgin fair and lover brave, 
 To our young author's care the enchantrefs gave ; 
 But charged him, ere he blefs'd the brave and fair, 
 To lay th' exulting villain's bofom bare, 
 And by the torments of his confcience fhow, 
 That profperous vice is but triumphant woe ! 
 
 The pleafing talk, congenial to his foul, 
 Oft from his own fad thoughts our author ftole : 
 Bleft be his labours, if with like fuccefs 
 They foothe their forrows whom I now addrefs. 
 Beneath this dome, fhould fome afflicted breaft 
 Mourn flighted talents, or defert bppreft, 
 Falfe friendfhip, hopelefs love, or faith betray'd j 
 Our author will efteem each toil o'er-paid, 
 If, while his mufe exerts her livelier vein, 
 Or tells imagined woes in plaintive ftrain, 
 Her flights and fancies make one fmile appear 
 On the pale cheek, where trickled late a tear ; 
 Or if ber fabled forrows fteal one groan, 
 Which .elfe her hearers would have given their own.
 
 EPILOGUE. 
 
 SPOKEN BY MKS. JORDAN. 
 
 OSMOND by this arrived at Charon's ferry, 
 My honour faved, and dad alive and merry, 
 Hither I come the public doom to know, 
 But come not uncompell'd the more's my woe ! 
 E'en now, (oh ! pity, friends, my hard miihap !) 
 My moulder felt a Bow-Street runner's tap, 
 Who, while I fhook with fear in every limb, 
 Thus fpoke, with accent ftern and vifage grim 
 
 " Miftrefs !" quoth he, " to me it given in truft is, 
 " To bring you ftraight before our lamed Juftice j 
 ' For, know, 'tis faid, to-night, the whole town o'er, 
 " You've kill'd one Ofmond, alias Barrymore." 
 
 " The fellow's mad !" 'twas thus amaz'd I Ipoke j 
 " Lord ! Sir,"I murdered Ofmond for a joke. 
 " This dagger, free from blood, will make it certain, 
 " He died but till the prompter dropped the curtain ; 
 " And now, well pleafed to quit this fcene of riot, 
 *' The man's gone home to fup in peace and quiet !" 
 
 Finding that all I faid was faid in vain, 
 And Townfhend ftill his firftdefign maintain, 
 I thought 'twere beft to fly for melter here, 
 And beg my generous friends to interfere. 
 But though the awkward nature of my cafe 
 May fpread fome flight confufion o'er my face, 
 No terrors awe my bofom, I'll aflure ye \ 
 Juft is my caufc, andEngliih is my jury !
 
 vi EPILOGUE. 
 
 Befides, it muft appear, on explanation, 
 
 How very ticklifli was my fituation, 
 
 And all perforce, his crimes when I relate, 
 
 Muft own that Ofmond well deferred his fate. 
 
 He heeded not papa's pathetic pleading j 
 
 He ftabhed mama which was extreme ill-breeding ; 
 
 And at his feet for mercy when I fued, 
 
 The odious wretch, I vow, was downright rude. 
 
 Twice his bold hands my perfon dared to touch ! 
 
 Twice in one day! 'Twas really once too much ! 
 
 And therefore juftly filled with virtuous ire, 
 
 To fave my honour, and protect my fire, 
 
 I drew my knife, and in his bofom ftuck it ; 
 
 He fell, you clapped and then he kicked the bucket ! 
 
 So periih ftill the wretch, whofe foul can know 
 Selfifli delight, while caufing other's woe ; 
 Who blafts that joy, the fweeteft God has given, 
 And makes an hell, where love would make an heaven 
 Forbear, thou lawlefs libertine ! nor feek 
 Forc'd favours on that pale averted cheek : 
 If thy warm kifles coft bright eyes one tear, 
 Kifles from lovelieft lips are bought too dear 
 Unlefs thofe lips with thine keep playful meafure, 
 And that fweet tear fliould be a tear of pleafure ! 
 
 Now as for Ofmond at that villain's name 
 1 feel reviving wrath my foul inflame ! 
 And fhall one (hort and fudden pang funnce 
 To clear fo bafe a fault, fo grofs a yice ? 
 No ! To your bar, dear friends, for aid I fly ! 
 Bid Ofmond live again, again to die.} 
 Nightly with plaudits loud his breath recall, 
 Nightly beneath my dagger fee him fall, 
 Give him a thoufand lives ! and let me take them ail
 
 D R A MA TIS PERSQ AVE. 
 
 OSMOND, 
 
 REGINALD, 
 
 PliRCY, 
 
 FATHER PHILIP, 
 
 MOTLEY, 
 
 KENRIC, 
 
 SAIB, 
 
 HASSAN, 
 
 MULEY, \ 
 
 ALARIC, 
 
 ALLAN, 
 
 EDRIC, 
 
 HAROLD, - 
 
 ANGELA, 
 
 ALICE, 
 
 EVELINA, 
 
 Mr. BJRRrMORE. 
 
 Mr. IVROUGHTON. 
 
 Mr. KEMBLE. 
 
 Mr. PALMER. 
 
 Mr. BANNISTER, jun. 
 
 Mr. AICK1N. 
 
 Mr. T RUM /IN. 
 
 Mr. DOWTON. 
 
 Mr. DA7IS. 
 
 Mr. trENTWORTH. 
 
 Mr. PACKER. 
 
 Mr. WArHEN. 
 
 Mr. GIBBON. 
 
 Mrs. JORDAN. 
 Mrs. WALCOT. 
 Mrs. POWELL. 
 
 The Music ComtofeJ !>y Mr. KELLT.

 
 THE 
 
 CASTLE SPECTRE. 
 
 A C T I. 
 
 SCENE 1.^ Grove. 
 
 Enter Father PHILIP and MOTLEY. 
 
 Father PHILIP. 
 
 NEVER tell me ! I repeat it, you are a fellow 
 of a very fcandalous courfe of life ! 
 
 MOTL. And I repeat it, I'm a perfect image of 
 the pureft virtue, compared to whom, for fobriety 
 and continence, Cato was a drunkard, and Lucretia 
 little better than (he (hould be. 
 
 F. PHIL. Oh! hardened in impudence! Can 
 you deny being a pilferer, a lyar, a glutton 
 
 MOTL. Can I? Heaven be thanked, I've 
 courage enough to deny any thing ! 
 
 F. PHIL. Doesn't all the world cry out upon 
 you ? 
 
 MOTL. Certainly my tranfcendant merit has 
 procured me fome enemies, and, in common with 
 many other great men, my virtue at prefent labours 
 under fomething of a cloud. But underftand me 
 right, Father : Though I don't afient to the fum- 
 B total
 
 S THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 total of your accufations, poflibly I may acknow- 
 ledge fome of the items; the beft actions frequently 
 appear culpable, merely becaufe their motives arc 
 unexplained. Therefore produce your charges, 
 let me juftify my conduft, and 1 doubt not I (ball 
 retrieve my reputation from your hands as immacu- 
 late and pure as a new meet of foolfcap. 
 
 F. PHIL. To begin then with your pilfering- 
 Did you, or did you not, break open the pantry- 
 door, and fteal out the great goofe-pye ? 
 
 MOTL. Begging your pardon, Father, that was 
 no fault of mine. 
 
 F.PHIL. Whofethen? 
 
 MOTL. The cook's undoubtedly; for if he 
 hadn't locked the pantry-door, 'tis an hundred to 
 one I mould n't have taken the trouble to break 
 it open. 
 
 F. PHIL. Nonfenfe ! Nonfenfe ! I tell you, 
 you've been guilty of ftealing, which is a monftrous 
 crime ! And what did you fteal ? Had you taken 
 any thing elfe I might have forgiven you : bur to 
 lay irreverent, hands upon the goofe-pye ! As I'm 
 a Chriftian, the identical goofe-pye which 1 in- 
 tended for my own fupper !- But this is not my 
 only objection to your conduct. 
 
 MOTL* No ? 
 
 F. PHIL. What principally offends me is, that 
 you pervert the minds of the maids, and keen kiff- 
 mg and fmuggling all the pretty girls you'meet. 
 Oh ! fye! fye ! 
 
 MOTL. Ikifs and fmuggle them? St. Francis 
 forbid ! Lord love you, Father, 'tis they who kifs 
 and fmuggle me. I proteft 1 do what I can to 
 preferve my modefty ; and I wi(h that Archbifhop 
 .Dunftan had heard the Mure upon chaftity which 
 *read kit night to the dairy-maid in the dark ! 
 
 he'd
 
 A D R A M A. 3 
 
 he'd have been quite edified. But yet whaf does 
 talking (ignify ? The eloquence of my lips is coun- 
 teracted by the luftre of my eyes ; and really the 
 little devils are fo tender, and fo troublefome, that 
 I'm half angry with nature for having made me fo 
 very bewitching. 
 
 F. PHIL. Nonfenfe ! Nonfenfe ! 
 
 MOTL. Why it was but yefterday that Cicely 
 and Luce went to fifty-cuffs, quarrelling which 
 looked neateft my red leg, or my yellow one. Then, 
 they are fo fond and fo coaxing ! They hang about 
 one fo lovingly ! And one fays, " Kind Mr. Mot- 
 " ley !" and t' other, " Sweet Mr. Motley !" Ah ! 
 Father Philip ! Father Philip ! How is a poor little 
 bit of flefh and blood, like me, to refiftfjch temp- 
 tation? Put yourfclf in my place : Suppofe that a 
 fweet fmiling rogue, juft fixteen, with rofy cheeks, 
 fparkling eyes, pouting lips, &c. 
 
 F. PHIL. Oh ! fye ! fye ! fye ! - To hear fuch 
 licentious difcourfe brings the tears into my eyes ! 
 
 MOTL. 1 believe you, Father; for I fee the wa- 
 ter is running over at your mouth. However, this 
 (hews you 
 
 F. PHIL. It (hews me that you are a reprobate, 
 and that my advice is thrown away upon you : la 
 future I (hall keep thofe counfels to myfelf, which 
 I offered you from motives of pure Chriftian cha- 
 rity. 
 
 MOTL. Charity, my good Father, (hould always 
 begin at home : Now, inftead of giving yourfelf fo 
 much trouble to mend me, what if you thought a 
 little of correcting yourfelf ? 
 
 F. PHIL. I ? I have nothing to correct. 
 
 MOTL. No, to be fure ! 
 
 F. PHIL. The odour of my fanSity perfumes, 
 the whole kingdom. 
 
 B 2 MOTL,
 
 4 THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 MOTL. It has a powerful fmell about it, I own, 
 not unlike carrion ; you may wind it a mile off. 
 
 F. PHIL. All malice! 
 
 MOTL. Not exadly : I could mention Tome little 
 points which might be altered in you ftill better 
 than in myfelf j fuch as intemperance, gluttony 
 
 F. PHIL; Gluttony? Oh! abominable falfe- 
 hood! 
 
 MOTL. Plain matter of fact ! Why will any 
 man pretend to fay that you came honeftly by 
 that enormous belly, that tremendous tomb of fim, 
 flem, and fowl ? I proteft I'm grateful to Heaven 
 that among the unclean Beafts who accompanied 
 Noah, there went not into the ark a pair of fat 
 monks : they muft infallibly have created a fa- 
 mine, and then the world would never have been 
 xe-peopled. Next, for incontinence, you muft al- 
 low yourfelf that you are unequalled. 
 , F. PHIL. I ? I ? 
 
 MOTL. You, you. May I afk what was your 
 bufinefs in the beech-grove the other evening, 
 when I caught you with buxom Margery the mil- 
 ler's pretty wife ? Was it quite neceflary to lay 
 your heads together fo clofe ? 
 
 F. PHIL. Perfectly neceflary : I was whifpering 
 in her ear wholfome advice. 
 
 MOTL. Indeed ? Faith then fhe took your advice 
 as kindly as it was given, and exaclly in the fame 
 way too : you gave it with your lips, and [he took 
 it with hers ! Well done, Father Philip ! 
 
 F. PHIL. Son, Son, you give your tongue too 
 great a licence. 
 
 MOTL. Nay, Father, be not angry : Fools, you 
 know, are privileged perfons. 
 
 F. PHIL. I know they are very ufelefs ones ; and 
 in (hort, Matter Motley, to be plain with you, of 
 
 all
 
 A D R A M A. 5 
 
 all fools I think you the worft ; and for fools of all 
 kinds I've an infuperable averlion. 
 
 MOTL. Really? Then you have one good qua- 
 lity at leaft, and I cannot but admire Rich a total 
 want of felf-lovc ! [An horn founds.'] But hark ! 'tis 
 the dinner-horn. Away to table, Father Depend 
 upon't, the fervants will rather eat part of their din- 
 ner unbleflcd, than flay till your ftomach comes 
 like Jonas's whale, and fwallows up the whole. 
 
 F. PHIL. Well, well, fool, 1 am going: but 
 firft let me explain to you, that my bulk proceeds 
 from no indulgence of voracious appetite. No, fon; 
 no: Little fuftenance do I take; but St Cuth- 
 bert's blefling is upon me, and that little profpers 
 with me mod marvelioufly. Verily, the Saint has 
 given me rather too plentiful an increafe, and my 
 legs are fcarce able to fupport the weight of his 
 bounties. [Exit. 
 
 MOTL. [Alone^ He looks like an over-grown 
 turtle, waddling upon its hind fins! Yet at bot- 
 tom 'tis a good fellow enough, warm-hearted, be- 
 nevolent, friendly, and fincere ; but no more in- 
 tended by nature to be a monk, than I to be a. 
 , maid of honour to the queen of Sheba. [Going.] 
 
 Enter PERCY. rfi '- 
 
 PERCY. I cannot be miftaken : in fpite of his 
 drefs, his features are too well known to me ! 
 Hift! Gilbert! Gilbert! 
 
 MOTL. Gilbert ? Oh Lord, that's I !- Who 
 calls ? 
 
 PERCY. Have you forgotten me ? 
 
 MOTL. Truly, fir, that would be no eafy mat" 
 ter ; I never forgot in my life what I never knew. 
 
 PSRCY. Have ten years altered me fo much 
 
 that you cannot 
 
 MOTL,
 
 6 THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 MOTL. Hey! Can it be Pardon, my 
 
 dear matter, pardon! In truth, you may well 
 forgive my having forgotten your name, for at firft 
 I didn't very well remember my own. However, 
 to prevent further miftakes, I mud inform you, that 
 he who in your father's fervice was Gilbert the 
 knave, is Motley the fool in the fervice of Earl 
 Ofmond. 
 
 PERCY. Of Earl Ofmond ? This is fortunate. 
 Gilbert, you may be of ufe to me ; and if the at- 
 tachment which as a boy you profefftd for me 
 
 iliil exifts 
 
 MOTL. It does with ardour unabated, for I'm 
 not fo unjuft as to attribute to you my expulfion 
 from Alnwic Cattle : in fact I deferved it, for I 
 cannot deny but that at twenty I was as good-for- 
 nothing a knave as ever exifted ; confequently 
 old Earl Percy difmiffed me from his fervice, but 
 I know that it was forely againft your inclination. 
 You were then fcarce fourteen,, and I had been 
 your companion and play-fellow from your child- 
 hood. I remember well your grief at parting with 
 me, and that you flipped into my hand the purfe 
 which contained the whole of your little treafure. 
 That aft of kindnefs ftruck to my heart : I fwore 
 at the moment to' love you through life, and if 
 ever I forget my oath, damn me ! 
 
 PERCY. My honeft Gilbert ! And what made 
 you affume this habit ? 
 
 MOTL. Ah, my Lord ! what could I do ? In 
 fpite of my knavery and tricks I was conftantly 
 upon the point of ftarving, and having once con- 
 tracted an idle habit of eating, I never could bring 
 myfelf to leave it off. After living five years by 
 my wirs, want drove me almoft out of them : I 
 knew not what courfc to take, when I heard that 
 4 Earl
 
 A D R A M A. 7 
 
 Earl Ofmond*s jefter had fled the country. I ex- 
 erted my knavery for the laft time in dealing the 
 fugitive's caft coat, was accepted in his place by 
 the Earl, and now gain an honeft livelihood by 
 perfuading my neighbours that Pm a greater fool 
 than themfelves. 
 
 PERCY. And your change is for the better? 
 
 MOTL. Infinitely ; indeed your fool is univer- 
 fally preferred to your knave and for this reafon ; 
 your fool is cheated, your knave cheats : Now 
 cvery-body had rather cheat, than be cheated. 
 
 PERCY. Some truth in that. 
 
 MOTL. And now, fir, may I afk, what brings 
 ybu to Wales ? 
 
 PERCY. A woman, whom I adore. 
 
 MOTL. Yes, I guefled that the bufinefs was 
 about a petticoat. And this woman is 
 
 PERCY. The orphan ward of a villager, with* 
 out friends, without family, without fortune I 
 
 MOTL. Great points in her favour, I muft con* 
 fefs. And which of thefe excellent qualities woa 
 your heart ? 
 
 PERCY. I hope I had better reafons for beftow- 
 ing it on her. No, Gilbert j I loved her for a per- 
 fon beautiful without art, and graceful without 
 affectation-r for an heart tender without weaknefs, 
 and noble without pride. I faw her at once be- 
 loved and reverenced by her village companions : 
 they looked on her as a being of a fupenor order ; 
 and I felt, that Ihe who gave fuch dignity to the 
 cottage-maid, muft needs add new luftre to the 
 coronet of the Percies. 
 
 MOTL. From which I am to underftand that 
 you mean to marry this ruftic. 
 
 PERCY. Could I mean otherwife, I mould blufh 
 for my lelf. 
 
 MOTL.
 
 8 THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 MOTL. Yet furely the bafenefs of her origin 
 
 PERCY. Can to me be no objection : in giving 
 fcer my hand I raife her to my ftation, not debafe 
 myfelfto hers; nor ever, while gazing on the beauty 
 of a rcfe, did I think it lefs fair becaufe planted 
 by a peafant. 
 
 MOTL. Bravo! And what fays your good 
 grumbling father to this? 
 
 PERCY. Alas ! he has long flept in the grave ! 
 
 MOTL. Then he's quiet at laft ! Well, God 
 grant him that peace in heaven, which he fuffered 
 nobody to enjoy on earth ! But, his death having 
 left you mafter of your ad ions, what obftacle now 
 prevents your marriage ? 
 
 PERCY. You (hall hear. Fearful left my rank 
 mould influence this lovely girl's affections, and 
 induce her to beftow her hand on the noble, while 
 Ihe refufed her heart to the man, I affumed a pea- 
 fant's habit, *and prelented myfelf as Edwy the 
 Jow-born and the poor. In this character I gained 
 her heart, and refolved to hail, as Countefs of 
 .Northumberland, the betrothed of Edwy the low- 
 born and the poor ! 
 
 MOTL. I warrant the pretty foul wasn't dif- 
 pleafed with the difcovery ! 
 
 PERCY. That difcovery is {till unmade. Judge 
 how great muft have been my difappointment, 
 when, on entering her guardian's cottage with this 
 deilgn, he informed me, that the unknown, who 
 fixteen years before had confided her to his care, 
 had reclaimed her on that very morning, and con- 
 veyed her no one knew whither. 
 
 MOTL. That was unlucky. 
 
 PERCY. Was- it not? Ah! had I declared 
 myfelf one day fodfier, ere this- (he would have 
 been my wife. 
 
 MOTL.
 
 A D R A M A. 9 
 
 MOTL. True; and being your wife, if a ftranger 
 then had conveyed her no one knew whither, you 
 might have thought yourfelf mightily obliged to 
 him. 
 
 PERCY. However, in fpite of his precautions, 
 I have traced the ftranger's courfe, and find him 
 to be Kenric, a dependent upon fcarl Ofmond'. 
 
 MOTL. Surely 'tis not Lady Angela, who 
 
 PERCY. The very fame ! Speak, my good fel- 
 low ! do you know her ? 
 
 MOTL. Not by your defcription ; for here (he's 
 underftood to be the daughter of Sir Malcolm 
 Mowbray, my matter's deceafed friend. And 
 what is your prefent intention ? 
 
 PBRCY. To demand her of the Earl in mar- 
 riage. 
 
 MOTL. Oh ! that will never do : for in the 
 firft place you'll not be able to get a fight of him. 
 I've now lived with him five long years,' and, till 
 Angela's arrival, never wttneffed a gueft in the 
 Cattle. Oh ! 'tis the mod melancholy manfion ! 
 And as to its matter, he's the very antidote to 
 mirth : He always walks with his arms folded, 
 his brows bent, his eyes louring on you with a 
 gloomy fcowl : He never fmiles ; and to laugh 
 in his prefence would be high treafon. He looks 
 at no one fpeaks to no one. None dare ap- 
 proach him, except Kenric and his four blacks 
 all others are ordered to avoid him ; and when- 
 ever he quits his room, ding ! dong ! goes a great 
 bell, and away run the fervants like fo many feared 
 rabbits. 
 
 PERCY. Strange! and wbaf reafons can he 
 
 have for 
 
 MOTL. Oh! reafons in plenty. You muft 
 C know
 
 i THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 know there's an ugly (lory refpecting the Jaft 
 owners of this Caftle- Ofmond's brother, his wife, 
 and infant child, were murdered by banditti, as it 
 was faid : unluckily the only fervant who efcaped 
 the daughter, depofed, that he recognifed among 
 the affaffins a black ftill in the fervice of Earl Of- 
 mond. The truth of this aflertion was never 
 known, for the fervant was found dead in his bed 
 the next morning. 
 
 PERCY. Good heavens! 
 
 MOTL. Since that time no found of joy has been 
 heard in Conway Caftle. Ofmond inftantly be- 
 came gloomy and ferocious j he now never utters 
 a found except a figh, has broken every tye of 
 fociety, and keeps his gates barred unceafingly 
 againft the ftranger. 
 
 PERCY. Yet Angela is admitted: But, no 
 doubt, affection for her father 
 
 MOTL. Why, no ; I rather think that affection 
 for her father's child 
 
 PERCY. How? 
 
 MOTL. If I've any knowledge in love, the Earl 
 feels it for his fair ward : But the Lady will tell 
 you more of this, if I can procure for you an in- 
 terview. 
 
 PfiRCY^The very requeft which , 
 
 MOTL. *Tis no eafy matter, I promife you ; but 
 I'll do my beft. In the meanwhile wait for me 
 in yonder fifhing hut its owner's name isEdric; 
 tell him that ( fent you, and he will eive YOU a 
 retreat. 
 
 PERCY. Farewell, then, and remember that 
 whatever reward 
 
 MOTL. Dear mafter, to mention a reward infults 
 me. You have already fhown me kindnefs ; and 
 
 when
 
 A D R A M A. ii 
 
 when 'tis in my power to be of ufe to you, to need 
 the inducement of a fecond favour would prove 
 me a fcoundrel undefcrving of the firft. [Exit. 
 PERCY. How warm is this good fellow's attach- 
 ment ! Yet our Barons complain that the great 
 can have no friends! If they have none, let their 
 own pride bear the blame. Inftead of looking 
 with fcorn on thofe whom a fmile would attract, 
 and a favour bind for ever, how many firm friends 
 might our nobles gain> if they would but reflect that 
 their vaflals are men as they are, and have hearts 
 whofe feelings can be grateful as their own. [Exit. 
 
 SCENE ILrbeCaftle-HaU. 
 
 SAIB and HASSAN meeting. 
 
 SAIB. Now, Haflan, what fuccefs ? 
 
 HASS. My fearch has been fruitlefs. In vain 
 have I paced the river's banks, and pierced the 
 grove's deepeft recefles. Nor glen nor thicket 
 have I paffed unexplored, yet found no ftranger 
 to whom Kenric's defcription could apply. 
 
 SAIB. Saw you no one ? 
 
 HASS. A troop of horfemen pafled me as I left 
 the wood. 
 
 SAIB. Horfemen, fay you? Then Kenric may 
 be right. Earl Percy has difcovered Angela's 
 abode, and lurks near the Caftle in hopes of carry- 
 ing her off. 
 
 HASS. His hopes then will be vain. Ofmond's 
 vigilance will not eafily be eluded (harpened by 
 thofe powerful motives, love and fear. 
 
 SAIB His love, I know; but mould he lofe 
 Angela, what has he to fear ? 
 
 HASS. Jf Percy gains her, every thing! Sup,- 
 C 2 ported
 
 12 THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 ported by fuch wealth and power, dangerous would 
 be her claim to rhefe domains (hould her birth 
 be difcovered. Of this our Lord is aware ; nor 
 did he looner hear that Northumberland loved 
 her, than he haftened to remove her from Allan's 
 care. At firft I doubt his purpofe was a foul 
 one : her refemblance to her mother induced him 
 to change it. He now is refolved to make her 
 his bride, and reftore to her thoije rights of which 
 himfelf deprived her. 
 
 SAIB. Think you the Lady perceives that our 
 Matter loves her ? 
 
 HASS. I know (he does not. Abforbed in her 
 own paffion for Percy, on Ofmond's me beftows 
 no thought, and, while roving through thefe 
 pompous halls and chambers, fighs for the Che- 
 viot Hills, and Allan's humble cottage. 
 
 SAIB. But as Ihe dill believes Percy to be a 
 low-born fwain, when Ofmond lays his coronet 
 at her feet, will (he rejed his rank and fplen- 
 dour ? 
 
 HASS. If (he loves well, (he will. Saib, I too 
 have loved ! I have known how painful it was to 
 leave her on whom my heart hung ; how inca- 
 pable was all elfe to fupply her lofs ! I have ex- 
 changed want for plenty, fatigue for reft, a wretch- 
 ed hut for a fplendid palace. But am I happier ? 
 Oh ! no ! Still do I regret my native land,- and 
 the partners of my poverty. Then toil was fweet 
 to me, for I laboured for Samba; then repofe 
 ever .bleft my bed of leaves, for there by my fide 
 lay Samba fleeping. 
 
 SAIB. This from you, Hafian ? Did love ever 
 find a place in your flinty bofom ? 
 
 HASS. Did it? Oh Saib! my heart once was 
 gentle, once was good ! But forrows have broken 
 
 if,
 
 A D R A M A. 13 
 
 it, infults have made it hard ! I have been drag- 
 ged from my native land, from a wife who was 
 every thing to me, to whom -I was every thing! 
 Twenty years have elapfed fmce thefe Chriftians 
 tore me away : they trampled upon my heart, 
 mocked my defpair, and, when.in frantic terms I 
 raved of Samba, laughed, and wondered how 
 a negro's foul could feel ! In that moment when 
 the lall point of Africa faded from my view, when 
 as I flood on the veflel's deck I felt that all I 
 loved was to me loft for ever, in that bitter mo- 
 ment did I banifti humanity from my bread. I 
 tore from my arm the bracelet of Samba's hair, I 
 gave to the fea the precious token, and, while the 
 high waves fwift bore it from me, vowed aloud 
 endlefs hatred to mankind. 1 have kept my oath, 
 1 will keep it ! 
 
 SAIB. lll-ftarred Haflan ! your wrongs have in- 
 deed been great. 
 
 HASS. To remember them unmans me Fare- 
 well ! I muft to Kenric. Hold ! Look, where he 
 comes from Ofmond's chamber ! 
 
 SAIB. And feemingly in wrath. 
 
 HASS. His conferences with the Earl of late have 
 had no other end. The period of his favour is 
 arrived. 
 
 SAIB. Not of his favour merely, Haffan. 
 
 HASS. How? Mean you that 
 
 SAIB. His anxiety for independence, his wifli 
 to withdraw hiinfelf from Wales yet more, cer- 
 tain myfterious words and threats for ibme time 
 pad have made our Lord uneafy. By him was 
 I this morning commiiiioned .... Silence ! He's 
 here ! you mall know more anon. 
 
 2 Enter
 
 I 4 THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 Enter KENRIC. 
 
 KENR. His promife ever evaded ! My requefl 
 flill heard with impatience, and treated with ne- 
 gleft ! Ofmond, I will bear your ingratitude no 
 longer. Now, Haflan, found you the man de- 
 fcribed ? 
 
 HASS. Nor any that refembled him. 
 
 KENR. Yet, that I faw Percy, I am convinced. 
 As I crofTed him in jhe wood, his eye met mine. 
 He ftarted as had he feen a bafilifk, and fled with 
 rapidity. Be on your guard, my friends ! Doubt- 
 Jefs he will attempt to gain admiflion to the 
 Caftie. 
 
 HASS. Can we be otherwife than watchful, 
 when we fee how well the Earl rewards his fol- 
 lowers ? 
 
 SAIB. Of that, Kenric, you are an example. 
 Have you obtained that recompence fo long 
 promifed ? Do you enjoy that independence 
 which 
 
 KENR. Saib, the Earl's ingratitude cuts me to 
 the heart ! Attached to him from his infancy, I 
 have long been his friend, long fancied him mine. 
 The illufion is now over. He fees that I can ferve 
 him no further knows that I can harm him 
 much ; therefore he fears, and, fearing, hates me ! 
 But I will fubmit no longer to this painful de- 
 pendence. To-morrow, for the laft time, will 
 1 fummon him to perform his promife: If he 
 refufes, I will bid him farewell for ever, and, by 
 my abfence, free him from a reftraint equally 
 irkfome to myfelf and him. 
 
 SAIB. Will you fo, Kenric? Be fpeedy then, 
 or you will be too late. 
 
 KENR.
 
 A D R A M A. TS 
 
 KENR. Too late I And wherefore ? 
 
 SMB. You will foon receive the reward of your 
 Cervices. 
 
 KENR. Ha ! Know you what that reward will 
 be? 
 1 SAIB. I guefs, but may not tell. 
 
 KENR. Is it a fecret ? 
 
 SAIB. Can you keep one? 
 
 KENR. Faithfully ! 
 
 SAID. As faithfully can I. Come, Haflan. 
 
 [Exeunt* 
 
 KENR. [alone."] What meant the flave ? Thofe 
 
 doubtful expreffions Ha ! (hould the Earl 
 
 intend me falfe Kenric ! Kenric ! how is 
 
 thy nature changed ! There was a time when fear 
 was a ftranger to my bofom when, guiltlefs my- 
 felf, I dreaded not art in others. Now, where'er 
 I turn me, danger appears to lurk ; and I fufpeft 
 treachery in every bread, becaufe my own heart 
 hides it. [Exit. 
 
 Enter Father PHILIP, followed by ALICE. 
 
 F. PHIL. Nonfenfe ! You filly woman, what 
 you (ay is not poffible. 
 
 ALICE. I never faid it was poffible. I only 
 faid it was true ; and that if ever I heard mufic, I 
 heard it laft night. 
 
 F. PHIL. Perhaps the fool was fmging to the 
 fervants. 
 
 ALICE. The fool indeed? Oh! fye ! fye! 
 How dare you call my Lady's ghoft a fool ? 
 
 F. PHIL. Your Lady's ghoft ! You filly old 
 woman ! 
 
 ALICE. Yes, Father, yes : I repeat it, I heard 
 the guitar lying upon the Oratory table play the 
 
 very
 
 16 THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 very air which the Lady Evelina ufed to (ing 
 while rocking her little daughters cradle. She 
 warbled it fo fweetly, and ever at the clofe it 
 went 
 
 " Lullaby ! Lullaby ! hufti thee, my dear ! 
 
 Thy father is coming, and foon will be here !" 
 
 F. PHIL. Nonfenfe ! nonfenfe ! Why, pr'ythee, 
 Alice, do you think that your Lady's ghoft would 
 get up at night only to fing Lullaby for your 
 amufement ? Befides-, how fhould a fpirit, which 
 is nothing but air, play upon an inflrument of 
 material wood and cat-gut ? 
 
 ALICE. How can I tell ? Why, I know very 
 well that men are made; but if you delved me 
 to make a man, I vow and proteft I Ihouldn't 
 know how to fet about it. I can only fay, that 
 laft night I heard the ghoft of my murdered 
 Lady ..... 
 
 F. PHIL. Playing upon the fpirit of a cracked 
 guitar ! Alice ! Alice ! thefe fears are ridiculous ! 
 The idea of ghofts is a vulgar prejudice ; and they 
 who are timid and abfurd enough to encourage 
 it, prove themfelves the mod contemptible - 
 
 ALICE [/creaming.'] Oh ! Lord blefs us ! 
 
 F. PHIL. What? Hey ! Oh ! dear ! 
 
 ALICE. Look! look! A figure in white! 
 It comes from the haunted room ! 
 
 F. PHIL, [dropping en his knees, .] Bleffed St. 
 Patrick! Who has got my beads? Where's my 
 prayer-book ? 
 
 ALICE. It comes ! it comes ! Now ! now ! 
 Lack-a-day, it's only Lady Angela ! 
 
 F. PHIL. [>//*.] Lack-a-day ! I'm glad of it 
 with all my heart ! 
 
 ALICE. Truly fo am I. But what fay you now, 
 Father, to the fear of fpeftres ? 
 
 F. PHIL.
 
 A D R A M A. 17 
 
 F. PHIL. In good faith, Alice, that my theory 
 was better than my practice. However, the nex,t 
 time that you are afraid of a ghoft, remember and 
 make ufe of the receipt which I (hall now give 
 you ; and inftead of calling for a prieft to lay the 
 fpirirs of other people in the red fea, call for a 
 'bottle of red wine to raife your own. Probatum eft. 
 
 ALICE [alone>~] Wine indeed! I believe he 
 thinks I like drinking as well as himfelf. No, 
 no ! Let the old toping friar take his bottle of 
 wine ; I (hall confine myfelf to plain cherry- 
 brandy. 
 
 Enter ANGELA. 
 
 ANG. J am weary of wandering from room to 
 room ; in vain do I change the fcene, difcontent 
 is every where. There was a time when mufic 
 could delight my ear, and nature could charm my 
 eye : when, as the dawn unveiled the landfcape, 
 each object it difclofed to me looked pleafant and 
 fair ; and while the laft fun-beams yet lingered on 
 the wcftern fky> I could pour forth a prayer of 
 gratitude, and thank my good angels for a day 
 unclouded by forrow ! Now all is gone, all loft, 
 all faded ! 
 
 ALICE. Lady ! 
 
 ANG. Perhaps at this moment he thinks upon 
 me ! Perhaps he wanders on thofe mountains 
 where we fo oft have ftrayed, reclines on that 
 bank where we fo oft have fat, or liftens fadly to- 
 the ftarling which he taught to repeat my name. 
 Perhaps then he fighs, and murmurs to himfelf, 
 " The flowers, the rivulets, the birds, every object 
 " reminds me of my well-beloved \ but what 
 D (ball
 
 ,8 THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 (ball remind her of Edwy ?"-Oh ! that will my 
 heart Edwy ; I need no other remembrancer . 
 ALICE. Lady! Lady Angela! She minds 
 no more than a poft ! 
 
 ANG. Oh! are you there, good Alice i 
 would you with me ? 
 
 ALICE. Only afk, how your Ladythip reite 
 ANG. Ill ! very ill ! 
 
 ALICE. Lack-a-day ! and yet you ileep in the 
 ,beft bed ! 
 
 ANG. True, good Alice; but my h 
 anguiih ftrewed thorns upon my couch of down. 
 
 ALICE. Marry, I'm not iurprifed that you 
 refted ill in the Cedar-room. Thofe noifes fo 
 
 near you 
 
 ANG. What noifes ? I heard none. 
 ALICE. How ? When the clock ftruck one, 
 heard you no mufic ? 
 ANG. Mufic ! None. 
 
 ALICE. And never have heard any while m 
 the Cedar-room ? 
 
 ANG. Not that I Stay ! now I remember 
 
 that while I fat alone in my chamber this morn- 
 ing 
 
 ALICE. Well, Lady, well ! 
 ANG. Methor.ght 1 heard fome one finding; 
 it feemed as if the words ran ,thus \finging \ 
 " Lullaby ! Lullaby ! Hum thee, my dear !' 
 
 ALICE [/creaming.'] The very words ! It was 
 the ghoft, Lady ! it was the ghoft ! 
 
 ANG. The ghoft, Alice ! I proteft I thought 
 it had been you. 
 
 ALICE. Me, Lady ! Lord, when did you bear 
 this linging ? 
 
 ANG. Not five minutes ago, while you were 
 talking with Father Philip. 
 
 ALICE.
 
 A D R A M A. 19 
 
 ALICE. The Lord be thanked ! Then it was 
 not the ghoft. It was I, Lady ! It was I ! And 
 have you heard no other finging lince you came 
 lo the cattle? 
 
 ANG. None. But why that queftion ? 
 
 ALICE. Becaufe, Lady -But perhaps you 
 
 may be frightened ? , 
 
 ANG. No, no! Proceed, I entreat you! 
 
 ALICE. Why, then, they do fay, that the cham* 
 her in which you fleep is haunted. You may have 
 obferved two folding-doors, which are ever kept 
 locked : they lead to the Oratory, in which the 
 Lady Evelina pafled moft of her time, while my 
 Lord was engaged in the Scottifh wars. She would 
 >fit there, good foul ! hour afcer hour, playing on 
 the lute, and finging airs fofweet, fo fad, that many 
 a time and oft have I wept to hear her. Ah! when 
 I kifled her hand at the Caftle-gate, little did I fuf- 
 pecl that her fate would have been fo wretched ! 
 
 ANG. And what was her fate ? 
 
 ALICE. A fad one, Lady ! Impatient to embrace 
 her Lord, after a year's abfence, the Countefs fee 
 out to meet him on his return from Scotland, ac- 
 companied by a few domeftics and .her infant- 
 daughter, then fcarce a twelvemonth old. But, as 
 flie returned with her hufband, robbers furprifed 
 the party fcarce a mile from the Caftle ; and fince 
 that time no news has been received of the Earl, of 
 the Countefs, the fervants, or the child. 
 
 ANG. Dreadful ! Were not their corfes found ? 
 
 ALICE. Never! The only domeftic who efcaped 
 pointed out the fcene of aclion; and as it proved 
 to be on the river's banks, doubtlefs the aflaffins 
 plunged the bodies into the ftream. 
 
 ANG. Strange ! And did Earl Ofmond then be- 
 come owner of this Caftle ? Alice ! was he ever 
 fufpeded of-- 
 
 D a ALICE.
 
 THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 *ALi V . Speak lower, Lady 1 ^"Jj 
 
 own : but for my F Qfmond loved the Lady 
 
 To my certain knou g ^^^ ^^ he hearc j o f 
 Evelina too well urt n , s heart were 
 
 herdeath,hewept andlobDe t ^ ^ ^^^ ^ 
 
 breaking. Nay, n j wou id have made her his 
 
 ;:x3a"'scros 
 
 ^E^^K^r"' 1 
 
 have nothVng to fear, and heaver. 
 
 . 
 
 H.av n ve me, while I tond goffipmg here 
 warrant all goes wrong in the kitchen !_^our 
 T T ,rl I muft away ! I muft away 1 . ' 
 P1 ANO VS;,] Ofmond was his brother's heir. 
 Hifftran g rdele J anour!-Ye S> inthat gloomy bro 
 ^rittent volume of villainy ^"jj^g-t 
 an affaffia then is mafter of my fate !-An Ulim 
 too who-I dare not bend my thoughts that way - 
 _0h ! would I had never entered thefe Caftle- 
 v.alls!-had never exchanged for fearfu ,1 pomp the 
 fecurity of my pleafures-the tranqu.Uuy of my 
 
 Return, rttarn, fweet Peace ! and o'er my bread 
 Spread thy bright wings, diftU thy balmy reit,
 
 A D R A M A. It 
 
 love ! 
 / ftill | 
 
 And teach my fteps thy realms among to rove j 
 Wealth and the world refign'd, nought mine but love ! 
 Ah ! ceafe thy fuit, fond girl ! thy prayer is vain, 
 For thus did Love his tyrant law ordain. 
 " Peace ftili mull fly that heart where 
 reign." 
 
 END of the FIRST ACT. 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 SCENE I. We Armoury. Suits of Armour are 
 arranged on both Sides ufon Pedcjlals, with the 
 Names of their Po/e/ors written under each. 
 
 Enter MOTLEY, fee ping in. . . r . 
 
 THE coaft is clear ! Hift! Hift: t You may 
 enter. 
 
 Enter PERCY. 
 
 PERCY. Loiter not here ! Quick, my good 
 fellow ! Conduct me to Angela ! 
 
 MOTL. Softly, foftly ! A Ihtle raucion is needful ; 
 and I promife you juft now I'm not upon rofes. 
 You remember the fervant who hinted that Earl 
 Ofmond had an hand in his brother's murder ? 
 Should I be fufpedted of admitting you to the 
 Caftle, his fate might be mine; and whatever you 
 may think of it, my Lord, I (houldn't be at all 
 pleafed at waking to-rnorrow morning, to find my- 
 felf dead in my bed. 
 
 PERCY. If fuch are your fears, why not lead 
 
 me
 
 22 THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 me at once to Angela ? Are we not more expofed 
 in this open hall ? 
 
 MOTL. Be contented, and leave all to me : I will 
 contrive matters fothat Ofmond fliall have you be- 
 fore his eyes, and be no jot the wifer. Here ! 
 [Taking down a fuit of armour] Put on this coat of 
 mail : you mud make up your mind to play a (la- 
 me for an hour or two. 
 
 PERCY. How ? 
 
 MOTL. Nay, 'tis abfolutely necefiary. Quick! 
 quick ! ere the fervants quit the hall, where they 
 are now at dinner. Here's the helmet ! the 
 gauntlet! the fhield! So now take this trun- 
 cheon in your hand j and there we have you 
 armed cap a- pee ! 
 
 PERCY. And now be good enough to explain 
 what purpofe this mafquerade is to anfwer. 
 
 . MOTL. Willingly. You are to know, that fmcc 
 the late Earl's death the Cattle is thought to be 
 haunted : the fervants are fully perfuaded that his 
 ghoft wanders every night through the long galle- 
 ries, and parades the old towers and dreary halls 
 which abound in this melancholy manfion. He is 
 fuppofed to bedreft in compleat armour; and that 
 which you wear at prefent was formerly his. Now 
 hear my plan. The Earl prepares to hold a confe^ 
 rence with Lady Angela ; even now I heard her 
 fummoned to attend him in the Armoury. Placed 
 upon this pedeftal you may liften to their difcourfe 
 unobferved, and thus form a proper judgment both 
 of your miftrefs and her guardian. As foon as it 
 grows dark I will conduct you to Angela's apart- 
 ments : the obfcurity will then fhelter you from 
 difcovery j and even mould you be obferved, you 
 will pafs for Earl Reginald's IpecVe. 
 
 PERCY. I do not diflike your plan : but tell me, 
 Gilbert, do you believe this tale of the apparition ? 
 
 MOTL.
 
 A D R A M A. 23* 
 
 MOTL. Oh ! Heaven forbid ! Not a word of it. 
 Had I minded all the ftrange things related of this 
 Caftle, I mould have died of fright in the firft hair- 
 hour'. Why, they fay that Earl Hubert rides every 
 night round the Caftle on a white horfe ; that the 
 ghoft of Lady Bertha haunts the weft pinnacle of 
 the Chapel-Tower; and that Lord Hildebrand, 
 who was condemned for treafon fome fixry years 
 ago, may be feen in the Great Hal), regularly 
 at midnight, playing at foot-ball with his. own 
 head ! Above all, they fay that the fpirit of 
 the late Countefs fits nightly in her Oratory, and 
 fings her baby to fleep ! However, if it be fo 
 [/? bell founds thrice, loud and Jolemri] Hark ! 'tis 
 the Earl 1 Quick to your poft ! [Percy afcends 
 the ptdeftal^ Farewell ! I muft get out of his 
 way ; but as foon as he quits this chamber I'll re- 
 join you. 
 
 PERCY. Do fo j and farewell. [Exit Motley. 
 f The folding-doors are thrown open: Saib, HaiTan, 
 Muley, and Alaric enter* preceding Earl Ofmond, 
 who walks with his arms folded, and his eyes bent 
 upon the ground. Saib advances a fo-fha, into 
 wbifb t after making a few turns through the room* 
 Ofmond throws himfelf. He motions to his attend- 
 ants, and they withdraw. He appears loft in 
 thought -, thenfuddenly rifes, and again traverfes the 
 room with dif order edfteps. ] 
 OSM. I will not facrifice my happinefs to hers! 
 For fixteen long years have I thirfled ; and now 
 when the cup of joy again rtands full before me, 
 fliall I dafh it from my lip ? No, Angela, you 
 afk of me too much. Since the moment when I 
 pierced her heart, deprived of whom life became 
 odious ; fince my foul was ftained with his blood 
 who loved me, with hers whom I loved, no form 
 has been grateful to my eye, no voice fpoken plea- 
 
 fure
 
 24 THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 furetomy foul, fave Angela's, fave only Angela's ! 
 Doting upon one whom death has long clafpcd 
 in his arms; tortured by deiires which I never 
 hoped to fatisfy, many a mournful year has my 
 heart known no throb but of anguUh, no gueft 
 but /emorfe at committing a fruitlets crime. Hope, 
 that ftranger, once more revilits my bofom : the 
 fiend, who led me through paflion's mazes to the 
 heights of guilt, owns that a crime fo great well 
 merits a rewaid. He bids the monument's jaws 
 unclofe : Evelina revives in her daughter, and loon 
 (hall the fires which confume me be quenched in 
 Angela's arms. What though her heart be Percy's? 
 What though (he prefer a balilifk's kifs tomine ? Be- ' 
 caufe my (liort-lived joy maycaufe her eternal for- 
 row, (hall I reject thofe pleasures fought fo long, 
 defired fo earneftly ? That will 1 not, by Heaven ! 
 Mine (he is, and mine (he fhall be, though Regi- 
 nald's bleeding ghoft flit before me, and thunder 
 in my ear > Hold ! Hold!" Peace, flormy 
 heart ! She comes ! 
 
 Enter ANGELA. 
 
 OSM. \inajoftenedvcice.~] Come hither, Angela. 
 Wherefore fo fad ? That downcaft eye, that lift- 
 Jefs air, neither fuit your age or fortunes. Raifed 
 from obfcurity to rank and fplendour, can this 
 change call no finile upon your cheek ? Where- 
 e'er you turn, refped and adoration wait you -, a 
 th9uiand fervams move obedient to your nod. 
 The trcafures of India are laviihed to adorn your 
 perfon ; yet fiill do I fee you, forgetting what you 
 are, look back with regret to what you were ! 
 
 AXG. Oh ! my good Lord, elleem me not un- 
 grateful ! I acknowledge your bounties, but they 
 have not made me happy. I foil Jinge^in thought 
 
 near
 
 A DRAMA. 25 
 
 near thofe fcenes where I patted the blefled period 
 of infancy ; I ftill third for thofe fimple pleafurcs 
 which habit has made to me moft dear. The birds 
 which my own hands reared, and the flowers which 
 'my own hands planted j the banks on which 1 refl- 
 cd when fatigued, the wild tangled woocl which 
 fupplicd me with ftrawberries, and the village 
 church where I prayed to be virtuous, while I yet 
 knew of vice and virtue but the name, all have ac- 
 quired rights to my memory and my love ! 
 
 OSM. What ? thefe coftly drefles, thefe fcenes of 
 .pomp and greatnefs 
 
 ANC. Dazzle my eyes, but leave my heart un- 
 fatisfied. What I would meet with is affedtion, not 
 refpect ; I had rather be obliged than obeyed ; and 
 all thefe glittering gems are far lefs dear to me, than 
 one flower of a wreath which Edwy's hands have 
 woven. 
 
 OSM. Confufion ! 
 
 ANG. While I faw you, Cheviot Hills, I was 
 happy, Oh ! how happy ! While I liftened to your 
 artlefs accents, friends of my childhood, how fwellcd 
 my fond heart with gratitude and pleafure ! At 
 morn when I left my bed, light were my fpirits, 
 and gay as the zephyrs of fummcr ; and when at 
 night my head again prefled my pillow, I whifpercd 
 to myfelf, " Happy has been to-day, and to-mor- 
 row will be as happy !" Then fweet was my fleep ; 
 and my dreams were of thofe whom I loved deareft. 
 
 OSM. Romantic emhufiaft ! Thefe thoughts did 
 well for the village maid, but difgrace the daughter 
 of Sir Malcolm Mowbray : Let them be changed 
 for others, better fuited to your birth, to the for- 
 tune which awaits you. Hear me, Angela; an 
 Englifh baron loves you, a nobleman than whom 
 E our
 
 *S THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 our ifland boafts f^w more potent. 'Tis to him 
 that your hand is deftined, 'tis on him that your 
 heart muft be beftowed. 
 
 ANG. I cannot difpofe of that which has long 
 been another's My heart is Edwy's. 
 
 OSM. Edwy's ? A peafant's ? 
 
 ANG. For the obfcurity of his birth chance muft 
 be blamed ; the merit of his virtues belongs wholly 
 to himfelf. 
 
 OSM* By Heaven, you feem to think that po- 
 verty is a virtue ! 
 
 ANG. Sir, I think 'tis a misfortune, not a crime: 
 And when in fpite of nature's injuftice, and the 
 frowns of a prejudiced and illiberal world, I fee 
 fome low-born but illuftrious fpirit prove itfelf fu- 
 perior to the ftation which it fills, I hail it with 
 pleafure, with admiration, with refpect ! Such a 
 fpirii I found in Edwy, and, finding, loved ! 
 
 O%M. My blood boils with paflion ! 
 
 ANG. You fay, that by thefe fentiments I dif- 
 grace my rank : [ fay, that to break my given 
 word would difgrace it more. Edwy has my 
 plighted faith : He received it on the laft evening 
 which I paused in Northumberland, as we fat on a 
 low bench before old Allan's cottage. It was an 
 heavenly night, fweet and tranquil as the loves of 
 angels: A gentle breeze whifpered among the 
 honey fuckles which bloomed above us, and the 
 full moon tinged with her filver light the diftant 
 towers of Alnwic. It was then that for the firft 
 time I gave him my hand, and 1 fwo:e that I never 
 would give it but to him ! It was then that for the 
 firft time he prefled his lips to mine, and I fwore 
 that my li ps mould never be preyed by another ! 
 
 OSM. Girl! girl! you drive me to diftradion ! 
 
 ANG. 
 
 t
 
 A D R A M A. 27 
 
 ANG. You alarm me, my Lord ! Permit me to 
 retire. [Going, OJmond detains her violently by the 
 arm.] 
 
 OSM. Stay ! [in ajofter tone."] Angela ! I love 
 you ! 
 
 ANG. [ftartfaf.'] My Lord! 
 
 OSM. [pajponately.'] Love you to madnefs ! My 
 bofom is a gulph of devouring flames ! I muft 
 quench them in your arms, or perim ! Nay, drive 
 not to efcape : Remain, and hear me ! I offer you 
 my hand : If you accept it, miftrefs of thefe fair and 
 rich domains, your days ftiall glide away in happi- 
 nefs and honour ; but if you refufe and fcorn my 
 offer, force mail this inftant 
 
 ANG. Forcer Oh ! No! You dare not be fo 
 bafe! 
 
 OSM. Reflect on your fituation, Angela ; you 
 are in my power remember it, and be wife ! 
 
 ANG. If you have a generous mind, that will be 
 my fureft fafeguard. Be it my plea, Ofmond, 
 when thus I fue to you for mercy, for protection ! 
 Look on me with pity, Ofmond ! 'Tis the daughter 
 of the man you loved, 'cis a creature, friendiefs, 
 wretched, and forlorn, who kneels before you, who 
 flies to you for refuge ! True, I am in your power : 
 Then fave me, refpeft me, treat me not cruelly ; 
 for 1 am in your power ! 
 
 OSM. I will hear no more. Will you accept my 
 offer? 
 
 ANG. Ofmond, I conjure you 
 
 OSM. Anfwer my queftion ! 
 
 ANG. Mercy! Mercy! 
 
 OSM. Will you be mine ? Speak ! Speak ! 
 
 ANG. \_after a moment' spaufe y rijes^ and -pronounces 
 witbfrmnefs.] Never, fo help me Heaven ! 
 
 E ^ OSM.
 
 2$ THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 OSM. \fetzing her.'] Your fate then is decided ! 
 [Angela Jhrieks.] 
 
 PERC Y [in a hollow voice.'] Hold I 
 
 OSM. [ftarts, but ftillgr off s Angela's arm] -fta.*. 
 What was that ? 
 
 ANG. [ftruggling to efcape.~\ Hark! Hark! 
 Heard you not a voice ? 
 
 OSM. [gazing upon Percy'] It came from hence! 
 From Reginald ! Was it not a delufion ? Did 
 
 indeed his fpirit [relating into his former paf- 
 
 ficn.'] Well, be it fo ! Though his ghoft fhould 
 rufh between us, thus would I clafp her Hor- 
 ror ! What fight is this ? [At the moment that be 
 again feizes Angela, Percy extends bis truncheon with 
 a menacing geflure^ and dtfctnds from the pedeftal. 
 Ofmond releafes Angela, who immediately rujhfs 
 from the chamber, while Percy advances a few fttps, 
 and remains gazing fi the Earl ftedfaftlj\ I know 
 that (hield ! that helmet ! Speak to me, dread- 
 ful vifion ! Tax me with my crimes ! Tell me, 
 that you come Stay ! Speak ! [Following Per- 
 cy, who, when be reaches the dcor, through wbicb 
 Angela efcaped, turns, andfigvs to him wi'b bis band. 
 Ofmond Jlarts back in terror.'] He forbids my fol- 
 lowing ! He leaves me ! The door clofes [in a 
 fudden 'burjl of pajjitm, and drawing his fword] 
 Hell, and fiends ! I'll follow him, though light- 
 nings blaft me ! [He rvjhes diftraRedly from tbs 
 
 chamber*.] 
 
 * When I wrote the foregoing fcene, I really believed the 
 invention to be entirely my own : But the iituations of An- 
 gela, Ofmond and Percy, fo clpfely refemble thofe of Ifabella, 
 Manfred, and the animated portrait in The Caftle of Otranto, 
 that 1 am convinced the idea muft have been fuggefted to me by 
 that beautiful Romance. Wherever I can trace any plagiarifma, 
 whetber wilful or involuntary, I fliall continue to point them out 
 to the reader without referve. 
 
 ' 4 SCENE
 
 A DRAMA. 19 
 
 SCENE II. Tbt CaJlle-Ha!l. 
 Enter ALICE. 
 
 ALICE. Here's rudenefs ! Here's ill-breeding! 
 On my conference, this houfe grows worfe and worfc 
 every day ! 
 
 Enter MOTLEY. 
 
 MOTL. What can he have done with himfelf ? 
 Perhaps weary of waiting for me in the Armoury, 
 he has found his way alone to Angela. How now, 
 dame Alice, what has happened to you ? You look 
 angry. 
 
 ALICE. By my troth, foel, I've little reafon to 
 look pleafed. To be frightened out of my wits by 
 night, and thumped and bumped about by day, is 
 not likely to put one in the beft humour. 
 
 MOTL. Poor foul ! And who has been thumping 
 and bumping you ? 
 
 ALICE. Who has ? You fhould rather afk who 
 has not. Why only hear: As I was juft now 
 going along the narrow pafTage which leads to the 
 Armoury iinging to myfelf, and thinking of 
 nothing, I met Lady Angela flying away as if 
 for dear life ! So I dropp'd her a curtfey but 
 might as well have fpared my pains. Without 
 minding me any more than if I had been a dog or 
 a cat (he pumed me on one fide ; and before I 
 could recover my balance, fomebody elfe,who came 
 bouncing by me, gave me t'other thump and 
 there 1 lay fprawling upon the floor. However, 
 I tumbled with all poffible decency, and took 
 great care that my petticoats (hould cover my legs, 
 
 MOTL, Somebody elfe ! What fomebody elfe ? 
 
 ALICE.
 
 3<> THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 ALICE. I know not but he feemcd to be in 
 armour. 
 
 MOTL. In armour? Pray, Alice, looked he 
 like a ghoft ? 
 
 ALICE. What he looked like, I cannot fay ; 
 but I'm fure he didn't feel like one : However, 
 you've not heard the worft. While I was fprawl- 
 ing upon the ground, my Lord comes tearing 
 along the pafiage The fir ft thing he did was to 
 (tumble againft me away went his heels over 
 he came and in the twinkling of an eye there 
 lay his Lordthip ! As foon as he got up again 
 Mercy ! how he ftormed! He fnatched me 
 up called me an ugly old witch (hook the 
 breath out of my body then clapped me on the 
 ground again, and bounced away after the other 
 two! 
 
 MOTL. My mind mifgives me ! But what can 
 this mean, Alice? 
 
 ALICE. The meaning I neither know, or care 
 about; but this I know I'll ftay no longer in 
 an houfe where I'm treated fo difrefpeftfully. 
 " My Lady !" fays I Out of my way !" fays 
 fhe, and pumes me on one fide. " My Lord," 
 rays I " You be damned !" fuys he, and 
 pumes me on t'other ! I proteft I never was fo 
 ill ufed, even when I was a young woman ! [Exit. 
 
 MOTL. This account alarms me ! Should 
 Percy be difcovered The very thought gives me 
 a creak in my neck ! At any rate I had better en- 
 quire whether [&oing] 
 
 Enter Father PHILIP b a/lily. 
 
 F.PHIL, {flopping him.'] Get out of the houfe! 
 That's your way ! 
 
 MOTL.
 
 A D R A M A. 3t 
 
 MOTL. Why, what's the meaning 
 
 F. PHIL. Don't Hand prating here, but do as 
 I bid you ! 
 
 MOTL. But firft tell me 
 
 F. PHIL. I can only tell you to get out of the 
 houfe. Kenric has difcovered Earl Percy You 
 are known to have introduced him The Africans 
 are in fearch of you If you are found, you will 
 be hung out of hand. Fly then to Edric's cot- 
 tage hide yourfelf there ! Hark ! Some one 
 comes ! Away, away, ere it is too late ! [fujhing 
 bim outl\ \ 
 
 MOTL. [cotifu/eef] But Earl Percy But An- 
 gek 
 
 F. PHIL. Leave them to me! You (hall hear 
 from me foon. Only take care of vourfelf, and 
 fly with all diligence ! Away ! [Exit Motley. 
 
 F. PHIL. [alone.~\ So, fo, he's off, and now I've 
 time to take breath. I've not moved fo nimbly 
 for the laft twenty years; and, in truth, I'm at 
 prefent but ill calculated for velocity of motion. 
 However, my exertions have not been thrown 
 away : I've faved this poor knave from Ofmond's 
 vengeance and mould my plan for the Lady's re- 
 leafe fucceed Poor little foul ! To fee how (he 
 took on, when Percy was torn from her! Well, well, 
 (he (hall be refcued from her tyrant. The move- 
 able pannels the fubterraneous paflages the 
 fecret fprings well-known to me Oh ! 1 cannot 
 fail of fuccefs : But in order to fecure it, I'll 
 finally arrange my ideas in the Buttery. When- 
 ever I've any great defign in hand, I always afk 
 advice of a flaggon of ale, and mature my plan 
 over a cold venifon-pafty. Oh! what an excel- 
 lent genius muft that man have had, who firft in- 
 vented eating and drinking ! [Exit. 
 
 SCENE
 
 32 THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 SCENE III. A Jpacious Chamber : On one Si Jets 
 a Couch : on the other a Table, which is placed 
 under an arched and lofty Window. 
 
 EArrOsMOND,/c//<mWySAiB, HASSAN, MITLEY 
 and ALAR ic, who ccnduft PERCY dij armed. 
 
 OSM. This, Sir, is your prifon; but, doubtlefs, 
 your confinement will not continue long. The mo- 
 ment which gives me Angela's hand fliall reftore 
 you to liberty ; and, till that moment arrives, fare- 
 well. 
 
 PERCY. Stay, Sir, and hear me! By what au- 
 thority prefnme you to call me captive ? Have 
 you forgotten that you fpeak to Northumberland's 
 Earl ? 
 
 OSM. Well may I forget him, who could fo far 
 forget himfelf. Was it worthy of Northumber- 
 land's Earl to fteal difguifed into my Caftle, and 
 plot with my fervant to rob me of my moft pre- 
 cious treafure ? 
 
 PERCY. Mine was that treafure Yon deprived 
 me of it bafely, and I was jufiified in driving to 
 regain my own. 
 
 OSM. Earl, nothing can juftify unworthy means* 
 If you were wronged, why fought you not your 
 right with your fword's point ? I then (hould have 
 dleemed you a noble foe, and as fuch would have 
 treated you : But you have (looped to paltry 
 artifice, and attacked me like fome midnight ruf- 
 fian, privately, and in difguife. By this am I au- 
 thorized to forget your ftation, and make your 
 penance as degrading as your offence was bafe. 
 
 PERCY. If fuch are indeed your fentiments, prove 
 
 them
 
 A D R A M A. 33 
 
 them BOW. Reftore my fword, unfheathe your 
 own, and be Angela the conqueror's reward ! 
 
 OSM. No, Earl Percy ! >I am not fo rafh a 
 gameftcr as to differ that caft to be recalled, by 
 which the ftake is mine already. Angela is in my 
 power : The only man who could wreil her from 
 my arms, has wilfully made himfelf my captive : 
 Such he is, and fuch he (hall remain. 
 
 PERCY. Infuking tyrant ! Your cowardice in 
 refuting my challenge proves fufficiently 
 
 OSM. Be calm, Earl Percy ! You forget your- 
 felf. That I am no coward, my fword has proved 
 in the fields of Scotland. My fword (hall again 
 prove it, if, when you are reftored to liberty, you 
 (till queftion the courage of my heart ! Angela 
 once mine, repeat your defiance, nor doubt my 
 anfwering. 
 
 PERCY. Angela thine ? That (he (hall never 
 be ! There are angels above who favour virtue, 
 and the hour of retribution muft one day arrive 1 
 [throws himfelf upon the couch, ,] 
 
 OSM. But long ere the arrival of that hour (hall 
 Angela have been my bride; and now farewell, 
 Lord Percy ! ; Muley and Saib ! 
 
 BOTH. My Lord! 
 
 OSM. To your charge I commit the Earl ; quit 
 not this apartment, nor differ him for one moment 
 from your fight. 
 
 SAIB and MULEY. My Lord, we (hall obey 
 you. 
 
 OSM. {afide^ If (he refufe me dill, the death of 
 this, her favouritehis death ! Oh! through what 
 bloody paths do I wander in puriuit of happinefs ! 
 Yes, I am guilty ! Heaven ! how guilty ! Yet 
 lies the fault with me ? Did my own pleafure 
 plant in my bofom thefe tempeftuous patTions ? 
 F No!
 
 34 THE CAStLE SPECTRE: 
 
 No! they were given. me at my birth ; they were 
 fucked in with my exiftence ! Nature formed me 
 the flave of wild defires ; and Fate, as (he frowned 
 upon my cradle, exclaimed, 1 doom this babe 
 to be a villain and a wretch * !" 
 
 [Exit, followed by Hafian and Alanc, 
 -who lock the door after them.] 
 
 SAIB. Look, Muley, how bitterly he frowns! 
 
 MULEY. Now he ft arts from the fopha ! 'Faith, 
 he's in a monftrous fury ! 
 
 SAIB. That may well be : When you mean to 
 take in other people, it certainly is provoking to 
 be taken in yourfelf. 
 
 PERCY [after walking a few turns with a difor- 
 derea air, JuMenlyJtops.]He is gone to Angela ! 
 Gone, perhaps, to renew that outrage whofe com- 
 pletion my prefence alone prevented ! Helplefs 
 and unprotected, with no friend but innocence 
 no advocates fave tears how will (he now repel 
 his violence ? 
 
 MULEY. Now he's in a deep ftudy : Marry, 
 if he ftudieshimfelf out of this Tower, he's a cle- 
 verer fellow than I take him for. 
 
 PERCY. Were I not Ofmond's captive, all 
 might yet be well. Summoning my vaiFals, who 
 by this time mud be near at hand, forcing the 
 Caftle, and tearing Angela from the arms of her 
 tyrant Alas ! my captivity has rendered his 
 
 * Having had good opportunities of knowing how wonder- 
 ful are the talents for mifmterpretation poflelfed by certain 
 perfons, I think it neceflary to oblerve to my readers, that the 
 foregoing fpeech is not meant to contain a moral fentimenr, 
 but to difplay the falfe reafoning of a guilty confcience. If I 
 were not to make this explanation, I fhould expect to fee it 
 afferted that the whole Play was meant to inculcate the dodtrine 
 of Fatality. 
 
 plan
 
 A D R A M A. 35 
 
 plan impracticable ! Eternal curfes upon Gilbert, 
 who perfuaded me to adopt this artifice ! Curfes 
 on my own ra(h folly, which has thrown me thus 
 defencelefs in the power of my foe ! 
 
 MULEY. That's right ! Another (lamp or two, 
 and the Tower comes rattling about our ears. 
 
 PERCY. And are there then no hopes of liberty? 
 
 SAIB. He fixes his eyes on us. 
 
 PERCY. Might not thefefcllows I can but try. 
 Now Hand my friend, thou mailer-key to hu- 
 man hearts ! Aid me, thou potent devil, gold I- 
 Hear me, my worthy friends! Come nearer! 
 
 SAIB. His worthy friends ! Are we fuch, Muley ? 
 
 MULEY. Yes, truly are we for friends in need 
 are friends indeed : Marry, if he were not in 
 need, he would call us his mortal foes. 
 
 PERCY. My good fellows, you are charged 
 with a di (agreeable office, and to obey a tyrant's 
 mandates cannoc be pleafant to you ; there is 
 fomething in your looks which has prejudiced me 
 too much in your favour to believe it poffible. 
 
 SAIB. Nay, there certainly is fomething in our 
 appearance highly prepoflefling. 
 
 MULEY. And I knew that you muft admire 
 the delicacy of our complexions ! 
 
 PERCY. The tincture of your fkin, my good 
 fellow, is of little confequence : Many a worthy 
 heart beats within' a dufky bofom, and I am con- 
 vinced that fuch an heart inhabits yours ; for 
 your looks tell me that you feel for, and are 
 anxious.to relieve, my fufferings. See you this 
 purfe, my friends ? 
 
 MULEY. It's too far off, and I'm fhort- lighted. 
 If you'll put it a little nearer 
 
 PERCY. Reftore me to liberty ! and not this 
 purfe alone, but ten times its value lhall be yours. 
 F 2 SAIB.
 
 36 THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 SAIB. To liberty ? 
 
 MULEY. Thar purfe ? 
 
 SAIB. Muley ! 
 
 MULEY. Saib! 
 
 PERCY, [afide^] By all my hopes, they he- 
 fitate ! You well know, that my wealth and 
 power are equal, not to fay fuperior, to Earl Of- 
 mond's : Releafe me from my dungeon, and 
 (hare that power and wealth ! On the events of 
 to-day depend^s my life's^ future happinefs, nay 
 perhaps my life itfelf : Judge then, if you affift 
 me, how great will be the fervice rendered me, and 
 believe that your reward (hall equal my obligation. 
 
 SAIB. I know not what to anfwer. 
 
 MULEY, In truth, my Lord, your offers are 
 
 fo generous, and that purfe is fo tempting Saib, 
 
 what fay you ? [winking to himJ\ 
 
 SAIB. The Earl fpeaks fo well, and promifes 
 fo largely, that I own I'm ftrangely tempted 
 
 MULEY. Look you, Saib ; will you ftand by 
 me ? . 
 
 SAIB [after a mcment's thought. .] I will ! 
 
 MULE/. There's my hand then ! My Lord, 
 we are your fervants ! 
 
 PERCY. This is beyond my hopes! A thou- 
 fand thanks, my worthy fellows ! Be aflured tliat 
 the performance of my promifes (hall foon follow 
 the execution of yours. 
 
 SAIB. Of that we make no doubt. 
 
 PERCY. You agree then to releafe me ? 
 
 MULEY. Tis impoflible to do otherwife ; for 
 1 feel that pity, generofity, and every moral feel- 
 ing command me to trouble your Lordfhip for 
 tr;at purfe. 
 
 PERCY. There it is ! And now unlock 
 
 the door ! 
 
 MULEY.
 
 A DRAMA. 37 
 
 -* .' 
 
 MULEY [chinking the furfeJ] Here it is! And 
 now I'm obliged to you. As for your promifes, my 
 Lord, pray don't trouble yourfelf to remember 
 them, as I fliaVt trouble myfelf to remember 
 mine. 
 
 PERCY {flarting.] Ha ! What mean you ? 
 
 SAIB [firmlyC\ Earl, that we are faithful i 
 . Mir LEY, i wonder you didn't read that too in 
 our amiable looks ! 
 
 PERCY. What ! Will you not keep your 
 word ? 
 
 MULEY. In good truth, No j we mean to keep 
 nothing- except the purfe. 
 
 PERCY. Perfidions villains ! 
 
 SAIB. You miftake us, Sir ; we cannot be vil- 
 lains, for I, you know, am your Lordmip's " wor- 
 thy friend !" 
 
 MULEY. And I your Lordmip's unworthy pen- 
 fioner ! 
 
 PERCY. Confufion ! To be made thejeft of 
 fuch rafcals ! 
 
 SAIB. Earl Percy, we are none! but we mould 
 have been, could your gold have bribed us to be- 
 tray our matter. We have but done our duty you 
 have but gained your juft reward ; for they who 
 feek to deceive others, (hould ever be deceived 
 themfelves. 
 
 PERCY. Silence, fellow ! Leave me to my 
 thoughts! [throwing bimfelf pajfionately upon the 
 
 MULEY. Oh! with all our hearts! We afk 
 no better. 
 
 SAIB. Muley, we (hare that purfe ? 
 
 MULEY. Undoubtedly : Sit down, and exa- 
 mine its contents. [They Jeat tbemfehes on the 
 foor in the front ofthejlagej] 
 
 PERCY.
 
 3 8 THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 PERCY How unfortunate, that the only merit 
 of thefe villains (hould be fidelity ! No hope now 
 is left ! Angela is loft, and with her my happinei 
 CHORUS OF VOICES [ftnging without] 
 Sing Megen-oh Oh ! Megen-Ec !" 
 
 MULEY. Hark ! What's that ? 
 
 SAIB. I'll fee. [mounting upon the table] 
 This window is fo high 
 
 MULEY. Here, here ! Take this chair. [baib 
 places the chair upon the table, and thus lifts himjelf 
 to a level with the -window, which he opens.'] 
 
 SONG AND CHORUS. 
 
 MOTLEY If tging without.] Sleep you, or wake you, Lady bright? 
 Oioaus [without.] Sing Megen-oh ! Oh ! Megen-Lei 
 
 'MOTLEY. Now is the fitted time for flight. 
 
 CHORUS.' Sing Megen-oh ! Oh! Megen-Ee! 
 
 MOTLEY. Know, from y our tyrant father's power 
 
 Beneath the window of your tower 
 A boat now waits to fet you free : 
 
 Sing Megen-oh ! Oh! Mcgen-Ee! 
 CHORUS. Sing Megen-oh ! Oh ! Megen-Ee ! 
 
 PERCY [who has half-raffed Isiwfelf from the 
 couch during the latter part of the Song, and iiftened 
 .attentively] Surely 1 know that voice ! 
 MULEY. Now, what's the matter ? 
 SAIB. A boat Jies at the foot of the tower, and 
 he fifhermen fmg \vhilethey draw their nets. 
 
 PERCY. 1 could not be miftaken : it was Gil- 
 bert ! 
 SAIB., Hark ! They begin again ! 
 
 SECOND STANZA. 
 
 MOTLEY. Though deep the ftream, though high the wall, 
 .HORUS. Sing Megen-oh 1 Oh! Megen-Ee! 
 UOTLEY. The danger, trull me, Love, is fmall : 
 ."HORUS. Sing Megen-oh ! Oh! Megen-Ee I 
 
 MOT LET.
 
 A DRAMA. 39 
 
 MOTLEY. To fpring below then never dread ; 
 
 My arms to catch you (hall be fpread ; 
 
 And far from hence you foon (hall be, 
 Sing Mtgen-oh ! Oh ! Mtgen-Ee ! 
 CHORUS. Sing Megen-oh ! Oh! Megen-Ee! . 
 
 PERCY. I underftand him ! He bids me 
 
 Yet the danger What courfe (hall I purfue ? 
 
 MULEY. Pr'ythee, come down, Saib ; I long to 
 divide the purfe 
 
 SAIB. Stay a moment : one more flanza, and 
 I'm with you. Now, filence ! 
 
 THIRD. STANZA. 
 
 MOTLEY. Fair Emma homed her heart's alarms s 
 
 CHORUS. Sing Megen-oh ! Oh! Megen-Ee! 
 
 MOTLEY. She fprang into her Lover's arms ; 
 
 CHORUS. Sing Megen-oh ! Oh ! Megen-Ec! 
 
 MOTLEY. Unhurt fhe fell ; then fwift its way 
 The boat purfued without delay, 
 While Emma placed on Edgar's knee 
 Sang "Megen-oh ! Oh! Megen-Ee!" 
 
 CHORUS. Sing Megen-oh ! Oh ! Megen-Ee ! 
 
 MULEY. Will you never quit that window ? 
 
 SAIB [fruiting it, and defcendingJ] Here I am, 
 
 and now for the purfe ! [They refume their feats 
 
 upon the ground ; Saib opens the furfe, and begins 
 to reckon the gold.~] 
 
 PERCY. Yes, I muft brave the danger I will 
 feign to fleep ; and when my gaolers are off their 
 guard, then aid me, bleft Providence ! [extend- 
 ing himfelfu^on the couch.'] 
 
 SAIB. Hold, Muley ! What if, inftead of 
 (baring the purfe, we throw for its contents ? Here 
 are dice. 
 
 MULEY. With all my heart: And look! to 
 pafs our time the better, here's a bottle of the beft 
 fack io the Earl's cellar. 
 
 SAIB.
 
 40 THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 SAIB. Good ! Good ! And now, be this angel 
 the flake ! But, firft, what is our pri Toner doing ? 
 MULEY. Oli! He fleeps: Mind him not. 
 Come, come Throw! 
 
 SAIB. Here goes Nine ! Now to you. 
 
 MULEY. Nine too ! Double the ftake. 
 
 SAIB. Agreed ! and the throw is mine. Hark! 
 What noife ? [During this dialogue, Percy has ap- 
 proached the table in filence ; at the moment that he 
 prepares to mount it, Saib looks round, and Percy haj- 
 tily throws himfelfback upon the couch.~\ 
 
 MULEY. Oh [ Nothing, nothing ! 
 
 S.AIB. Methought I heard the Earl 
 
 MULEY. Mere fancy ! You fee he is Sleeping 
 foundly. Come, come Throw ! 
 
 SAIB. There then Eleven! 
 
 MULEY, That's bad Huzza! Si xs J 
 
 SAIB. Plague on your fortune ! Come, Dou* 
 ble or quits ! 
 
 MULEY. Be it fo, and I throw. Zounds ! 
 Only Five ! 
 
 SAIB. Then I think this hit mutt be mine. 
 Aces, by heavens ! 
 
 MULEY. Ha! Ha! Ha! Your health, 
 friend ! 
 
 PERCY [who has again reached the table, 
 mounted the chair, and, opening the window, now 
 Jlands at it, and f^m to the wen below. .] They fee 
 me, and extend a cloth beneath the window ! 
 'Tis a fearful height ! 
 
 SAIB. Do you mean to empty the bottle ? 
 Come, come Give it me. 
 
 MULEY. Take it, blunder-head ! [Saib 
 
 drinks."] 
 
 PERCY. They encourage me to venture ! 
 
 Now then, or never ! [/fc</.] Angels of blifs, 
 
 4 protect
 
 A DRAMA. 41 
 
 1 protect me ! [He throws himfelf from the win- 
 dow *. 
 
 MULEY and SAIB {parting at tie wife.'] 
 Hell and Furies ! 
 
 SAIB [d?Jhts down the bottle, and climbs to the 
 window bcftily^ while Muley remains below in an af~ 
 titude of furprize.~\ Efcaped ! Efcaped! 
 
 PERCY, MOTLEY, &c. [without'] Huzza ! 
 huzza ! huzza ! 
 
 * This incident has been cried out againft by many people, 
 as being improbable j and fome have gone fo far as to term 
 it impoffible. To this I can only anivver, with Alice in the 
 Firft. Aft " I never faid it was poffible, I only fay it's true !" 
 This incident was furnffhed me by the German Hiftory, in 
 which it appearp, that a certain Landgrave of Thuringia, being 
 condemned to death, made his efcape by taking fo defperate a 
 leap from the window of his prifon, that he was afterwards 
 known throughout Germany by the name of Ludwig the 
 Springer.' There is a German Play on this fubjeft, whence I 
 borrowed the idea of making the gaolers play at dice ; and Mot- 
 ley's Song bears fome refemblance to an incident in Richard 
 Cceur-de-Lion. 
 
 END of the SECOND ACT. 
 
 ACT
 
 4 i THE CASTLE SPECTRE 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 SCENE \.~-A Vicix of the River Con way, with 4 
 Fijhermarfs Hut.Sun.Jet. 
 
 Enter ALLAN and EDRIC. 
 
 ALLAN. 
 
 STILL they come not ! Dear, dear, ftill they 
 come not ! Ah ! thefe tumults are too much 
 for my old body to bear. 
 
 EDRIC. Then you fhonld have kept your old 
 body at home. 'Tis a fine thing truly for a man of 
 your age to be galloping about the country after 
 a girl, who, by your own account, is neither -your 
 chick nor child ! 
 
 ALLAN. Ah! She was more to me! She was 
 my all,Edric, myall! How couldl bear my home 
 when it no longer was the home of Angela ? How 
 could I reft in my cottage at night when her 
 iweet lips had not killed me and murmured, 
 ' Father, deep well !" She is fo good ! fo gen- 
 tle ! I was Tick once, tick almoft to death'! An- 
 gela was then my nurfe and comforter : She 
 watched me when I fiept, and cheered me when 
 I woke: She rejoiced when 1 grew better ; and 
 when I grew worfe, no medicine gave me eafe like 
 the tears of pity which fell on my burning cheeks 
 from the eyes of my darling ! 
 
 EDRIC. Tears of pity indeed ! A little rhubarb 
 would have done you more good by half. But 
 our people ftay a long time : Perhaps Motley has 
 been difcovered and feized ; if fo, he will lofe his 
 life, the Earl his freedom, Angela her lover, and, 
 
 what's
 
 A DRAMA. 43 
 
 what's vvorfl of all, I fhall lofe my boat ! I wifli I 
 hadn't lent it, for I doubt that Motley's fcheme has 
 failed. 
 
 ALLAN. I hope not Oh ! I hope not ! Should 
 Percy remain a captive, Angela will be left un- 
 protected in your wicked Lord's power Oh ! 
 that will break my poor old wife's heart for certain! 
 
 EDRIC. And if it fhoukl break it, a mighty- 
 misfortune truly! Zounds, Mailer Allan, any wife 
 is at beft a bad thing : a poor one makes matters 
 get worfe ; but when (he's old, Lord ! 'tis the 
 very devil ! 
 
 ALLAN. Hark ! Hark ! Do you hear ? Tis 
 the found of oars! They are our friends ! Oh ! 
 Heaven be thanked ! the Earl is with them. 
 
 [A boat appears with Percy, Motley, and 
 Joldiers dijguifed as fijhermen. - They land^\ 
 
 P E R c Y* [fpringing en faore.~\ Once more then 
 I breathe the air of liberty ! Worthy Gilbert, 
 what words can fuffice to thank you ? 
 
 MOTLEY. None therefore do not wafte your 
 breath in the attempt. You are fafe, thanks to 
 St. Peter and the Blanket ! and your Lady's deli- 
 verance now demands all your thoughts. Ha ! 
 who is that with Edric ? 
 
 PERCY. Allan, by dll my hopes ! Welcome, 
 welcome, good old man !- Say, came my vaflals 
 with you ? 
 
 ALLAN. Three hundred chofen men are within 
 the found ot your bugle. They fcarce gave me 
 time to fignify your orders ere they fat in their 
 faddles ; and as I would needs come with, them, 
 Heaven forgive them for it ! they put me on an 
 -hard-trotting horfe ! Marry, he (hook me rarely ! 
 he has almoit broken my old bones : But that mat- 
 ters little ; my heart would have been broken had 
 Q 2. I
 
 44 THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 I ftaid behind. But now, my Lord, tell me of 
 Angela.' Is me well? Did you {peak to her ? and 
 fpeaks me fometimes of me ? 
 
 PERCY. She is well, my old friend, and I have 
 fpoken to her though but for a moment. Scarce 
 liad I time to confefs to her my rank, when Kenric, 
 whofe fufpicious eye had penetraied my difguife, 
 forced me from her prefence. But be comforted, 
 good Allan! Should, other means fail, I will this 
 very night attack the Caftle, and compel Ofmond 
 to refign his prey. 
 
 ALLAN. Heaven grant that you may fucceed ! 
 Let me but once fee Angela your bride ! Let me 
 but once hear her fay the fweet words, " Allan, I 
 am -happy !" then I and my old wife will feek 
 our graves, lay us down, and die with pleafure ! 
 
 MOTL. Die with pleafure, you filly old man ! 
 you mail do nothing fo ridiculous : You (hall live 
 a great many years; and, inftead of lying down in 
 your grave, we'll tuck you up warm with your old 
 wife in the beft down-bed of Alnvvic Caftle. But 
 now let us talk of our atfairs, which, if I miftake 
 not, are in the high road to fuccefs. 
 
 PERCY. How ? Has any intelligence reached 
 you of your ally, the Friar ? 
 
 MOTL. You have guefled it. As it paffed be- 
 neath his window, the pious porpus contrived to 
 drop this letter into the boat. Its contents muft 
 needs be of confequence ; for 1 affure you it 
 comes from one of the greateft men in England. 
 Pray examine it, my Lord ! 1 never can read 
 when the wind's eafterly. 
 
 PERCY. I believe, Gilbert, were it northerly 
 you would be no jot the wifer : I remember that 
 many a found (lick did our preceptor break up- 
 on your back in vain ; and before you had learn- 
 ed
 
 A D R A M A. 4* 
 
 ed to fpell, your fchooling had coft my father a 
 foreft. 
 
 MOTL. [while Percy recds^\ Nay, if learning 
 could have been beaten into me, by this time I 
 fhould be a prodigious fcholar ! To do him juf- 
 tice, Father Benjamin had a mod instructive jirk 
 with his arm, and frequently ufed arguments fo 
 forcible when pointing out my faults, that many a 
 time and oft has he brought tears into my eyes : 
 Then I generally felt fo penitent, and fo low, that 
 I was obliged to fteal his brandy- bottle in order to 
 recover my fpirits. Well, Sir, what fays the letter ? 
 
 PERCY. Liften. " I have recognifed you in 
 fpite of your difguife, and feize the opportunity to 
 advife your exerting yourfelf folely to obtain Earl 
 Percy's liberty. Heed not Angela : I have furc 
 and eafy means for procuring her efcape ; and be- 
 fore the clock ftrikes two, you may expect me 
 with her at ttie fifherman's hut. Farewell, and rely 
 upon Father ffhilip." Now, Gilbert, what fay 
 you ? May the monk's fidelity be trufted ? 
 
 MOTL. His fidelity may undoubtedly ; but whe- 
 ther his fuccefs will equal his good intentions is a 
 point which time alone can decide. Should it 
 not 
 
 PERCY. Then with my faithful vaffals will I 
 ftorm the Caftle to-morrow. 
 
 ALLAN. What, ftorm the Caftle ? Oh ! no, no ! 
 My darling never faw a bird die but (he wept ; thea 
 how will' me bear to look on when men perifh ? 
 
 PERCY. Be allured, old man, that nothing fave 
 invincible neceflity (hall induce me to bathe my 
 hands in the blood of my fellow- creatures. But 
 where are my followers ? 
 
 ALLAN. Fearing left their numbers fhould ex- 
 cite fufpicron, I left them concealed in yonder wood. 
 
 PERCY.
 
 46 THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 PERCY. Guide me to them. Edric, for this night 
 I muft requeft the (belter of your hur. 
 
 EDRIC. Willingly, -my Lord ! But my cottage 
 is fo humble, your treatment fo wretched 
 
 PERCY. Silence, my good fellow! The hut, 
 where good-will refides, is to me more welcome 
 than a palace, and no food can be fo fweet as that 
 which is feafoned with fmiles You give me your 
 bed ; a monarch could give no more, and it hap- 
 pens not often that men ever give fo much. Now 
 
 farewell for an hour Allan, lead on 1 
 
 [Exeunt Percy, Allan, &c. 
 
 Manent MOTLEY and EDRIC. 
 
 MOTL. And in the mean-while, friend Edric, 
 I'll lend you an hand in preparing fupper. 
 
 EDRIC. Truly the talk won't give you much 
 trouble, for times have gone hard with me of late. 
 -Our prefent Lord fees no company, gives no enter- 
 tainments, and thus I fell no fifh. Things went 
 better while Earl Reginald lived ! 
 
 MOTL. What ! you remember him ? 
 
 EDRIC. Never (hall I forget him, or his fweet 
 Lady ! Why, I very believe, they pofieffed all the 
 cardinal virtues ! So pious, fo generous, fo mild ! 
 fo kind to the poor, and fo fond of fifh ! 
 
 MOTL. Fond of fi(h ! One of the cardinal vir- 
 tues, of which I never heard before ! 
 
 EDRIC. But thefe thoughts make me fad. Come, 
 Mafter Motley ; your Lord's fupper ftill fwims in 
 the river : if you'll help to catch it, why do fo, 
 and thank you heartily. Can you fi(b ? 
 
 MOTL. Can I ? Who in this world cannot ? 
 
 I'll affure you, friend Edric, there is no profeffion 
 
 more univerfal than yours ; we all fpread our nets 
 
 3 to
 
 A D R A M A. 47 
 
 To catch fomething or other and alas ! when ob- 
 tained, it (eldom proves worth the trouble of tak- 
 ing. The Coquette fifties for hearts which are 
 worthlefs ; the Courtier, for titles which are ab- 
 furd* ; and the Poet, for compliments which are 
 empty. Oh ! happy are they in this world of dif- 
 appointmems, who throw out no nets fave fiming 
 ones. [Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE 1172* Cojlle-Hall. 
 Enter KENRIC. 
 
 XENRIC. Yonder he ftalks, and feems buried 
 in himfelf ! Now then to attack him while my late 
 fervice is ftill frefli upon his memory. Should he 
 reject my petition pofitively, he fliall have good 
 caufe to repent his ingratitude. Percy is in the 
 neighbourhood ; and that fecret, known only to 
 
 myielf, will furely But, filence ! Look where 
 
 he comes ! 
 
 Enter OSMOND. 
 
 OSM. It fliall not be ! Away with thefe fore- 
 boding terrors, which weigh down my heart ! 
 Does not all fimle upon my fortunes ? My rival 
 wears my chains ; he cannot wreft her from me, 
 and with to-morrow's dawn Angela (hall be mine. 
 Bound then high, my heart ! Pleafure, fweet gueft, 
 fo long a ftranger, Oh ! to my bofom welcome 
 
 * On the ftrength of this fingle fentence, it was boldly af- 
 ferted on the morning after the firft performance, that the 
 whole Play was v-ritten to fupport the Caufe of Equality ; and 
 that I faid in it, all diftinftions of rank ought to be abolifhed, 
 and thought it extremely -wrong for any perfons to accept 
 titks ! To make the thing complete, the afiertors mould have 
 added, that I thought it extremely wrong for any perfons to 
 pay compliments, or pofiefs hearts ! 
 
 once
 
 4 8 THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 once more ! I will forget the paft, I will enjoy 
 the prefent, and make thofe raptures again mine, 
 
 which Ah ! no, no, no ! Conference, that fer- 
 
 penr, winds her folds round the cup of my blifs, 
 and, ere my lips can reach it, her venom is mingled 
 with the draught. 
 
 KENR. Hovv profound the gloom which ob- 
 fcures his brow ! Hovv fixed, how hopelefs glares 
 his dark eye-ball ! Oh ! dreadful is the villain's 
 look, when he ponders on committed crimes ! 
 
 OSM. Evening approaches faft [drawing near 
 and opening the window.] Already the air breathes 
 cooler, and the beams of the fetting fun fparkle 
 on the waters of Conway. How fair, how tranquil 
 all without ! How dark, how comfortlefs all with- 
 in ! Hark ! the found of mufic ! The peafants 
 are returning from labour : they move with gay 
 and carelefs fteps, carolling as they go fome ruftic 
 ditoy ; and will pals the night in reft* for they have 
 pafTed the day in innocence ! 
 
 CHORUS [wit&out.'] Pleafed the toils of day to leave, 
 
 Home we hafte with foot-Heps light: 
 Oh ! how gay the cotter's eve ! 
 Oh ! how calm the cotter's night! 
 
 OSM. [clofing tbs window with violence.] Curfes 
 upon them I will look, I will liften no more ! I 
 ficken at the fight of happinefs, which I never 
 more muft enjoy ; I hate the pofleflbrs of hearts un- 
 taintedhate, for I envy ! Oh ! fly from my eyes, 
 bright Day ! Speed thy pace, Darknefs ! thou art 
 my Love ! Hafte to unfold thy fable mantle, and 
 robe the world in the colour of my foul ! 
 
 KENR. Now then to accoft him Yet I tremble ! 
 
 OSM. Anguim! endlefs, hopelefs anguifti ! Day 
 or night, no moment of reft When I fleep, dreams 
 
 of
 
 A D R A M A. 49 
 
 of ftrange horror ftill fright me from my couch 1 
 When I wake, I find in every object fotne caufe for 
 diftruft read the dread charge in every eye, f ' Thou 
 art a murderer !" and tremble left the agents of 
 my guilt mould work its punimmenr. And fee 
 where he walks, the chief object of my fears ! He 
 ihall not be fo long ! His anxiety to leave me, his 
 late myfterious threats- . >No> no ! I will not live 
 in fear.^ Soft ! he advances ! 
 
 KENR. So melancholy, my Lord ? 
 
 OSM. Aye, Kenric, and muft be fo, till Angela 
 is mine. Know that even now (he extorted from 
 me a promife, that till to-morrow I would leave 
 her unmolefted. 
 
 KENR. But till to-morrow ? 
 
 OSM. But till to-morrow ?- Oh ! in that little 
 fpace a lover's eye views myriads of dangers ! Yet 
 think not, good Kenric, that your late fervices are 
 undervalued by me, or that I have forgotten thofe 
 for which 1 have been long your debtor. When, 
 bewildered by hatred of Reginald, and grief for 
 Evelina's lofs, my dagger was placed on the throat 
 of their infant, yourha.id arrefted the blow Judge 
 then how grateful I muft feel when 1 behold in 
 Angela her mother's living counterpart behold 
 her fuch as when> mielding with her body her fallen 
 hufband, Evelina received that dagger in her bread 
 which 1 aimed at the heart of Reginald ! Worthy 
 JCenric, how can I repay your fervices ! 
 
 KENR. Thefe you may eafily. But what, Earl 
 Ofmond, what can repay me for the facriftce of 
 my innocence ? J was virtuous till you bade me 
 be guilty my hands were pure till you taught me 
 to ftain them with blood you painted in ftrong 
 colours the Qiame of fervitude you promifec} free- 
 dom, riches, independence you vanquiflied the 
 H refiftancc
 
 5 o THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 refiftance of my better Angel, and never fince have 
 I known one moment of reft! 
 
 OSM. Good Kenric 
 
 KENR. All here reminds me of my guilt every 
 objeft recalls to me Reginald and his murdered 
 L a dy j Let me then claim that independence fo 
 long promifed, and feck for peace in fome other 
 climate, fince memory forbids me to tafte ic in this. 
 
 OSM. Kenric, ere named, yonr wifh was granted. 
 In a far diftant country a retreat is already pre- 
 pared for you : there may you hum thofe clamoiu > 
 of confcience, which muft reach me, I fear, e'en in 
 the arms of Angela. Yet do not leave me till Ihe 
 is my bride Stay yet a week in Con way Caftle ; 
 and then, though 'twill cod me many a pang, 
 Kenric, you (hall bid ic a long adieu. Are you 
 contented ? 
 
 KENR. [afeftedJ] My Lord ! Gratitude 
 
 Amazement And I doubted 1 fufpefted 
 
 Oh ! my good Lord, how have I wronged 
 
 your kindnefs ! 
 
 OSM. No more I muft not hear you ! 
 [apde'] Shame ! fhame ! that ever my foul mould 
 itoop to diflembling with my flave ! Kenric, fare- 
 well ! Till Angela is mine, keep a fti i6l eye on 
 Percy; and then 
 
 SAIB en ten, and advances with appre'wjiw. 
 
 OSM. How now ? Why this confufion ? 
 
 Why do you tremble r Speak ! 
 
 SAIB. My Lord ! the prifoner 
 
 OSM. The prifoner ? Go on ! oo on ! 
 SAIB [kneeling.'] Pardon, my Lord, pardon ! 
 Our prifoner has efcaped ! 
 
 . Villain \-\Wild >witb rage be draws bis 
 and rufhes upon Saib Kenric holds bis arm.'] 
 
 KENR.
 
 A D R A M A. 51 
 
 KENR. Hold ! hold ! What would you do ? 
 
 OSM. \_ftruggling.~] Unhand me, or by Heaven 
 
 KENR. Away ! away ! Fly, fellow, fly and fave 
 yourfelf! [x/VSaib. 
 
 KENR. \rdeafmg Ofmond.] Confider, my Lord- 
 haply 'twas not by his keeper's fault that 
 
 OSM. [/r/0///7y.] What is't to me by whofe ? 
 Is not my rival fled ? Soon will Northumber- 
 land's guards encircle my walls, and force from 
 
 me Yet that by Heaven they mall not ! No \ 
 
 Rather than refign her, my own hand (hall give this 
 Cattle a prey to flames : then plunging with An- 
 gela into the blazing gulph, Til leave thefe ruins 
 to tell pofterity how defperate was my love, and 
 how dreadful my revenge ! [Going, he flops, and 
 turn* to Kenric.] And you, who dared to rufh 
 between me and my refentment you who could 
 fo well fucceed in laving others now look to your- 
 felf! [Exit. 
 
 KENR. Ha '.that look that threat Yet he 
 
 feemed fo kind, fo grateful ! He fmiled too ! 
 
 Oh ! there is ever danger when a villain fmiles. 
 
 SAIB enters fcftly^ locking round him with caution. 
 
 SAIB. [in a lowvoice.^ Hift ! Kenric ! 
 
 KENR. How now ? What brings 
 
 SAIB. Silence, and hear me! You havefaved my 
 life, nor will I be ungrateful Look at this phial ! 
 
 KENR. Ha! did the Earl 
 
 SAIB. Even fo : a few drops of this liquor mould 
 to-night have flavoured your wine you would 
 never have drank again \ Mark me then When I 
 offer you a goblet at (upper, drop it as by accident. 
 For this night I give you life : ufe it to quit the 
 Caftle ; for no longer than till to-morrow dare I 
 H 2 difobev
 
 52 THE CASTLE SPECTRE; 
 
 difobcy our Lord's commands. Farewell, and fly 
 from Conway You bear with you my thanks ! 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 KENR. Can it be poffible ? Is not all this a 
 eam ? Villain ! villain ! Yes, yes, I muft 
 away ! But tremble, traitor ! A bolt, of which 
 you little think, hangs over, and mall crufh you ! 
 The keys are dill in my pofleflion- Angela (hall 
 
 be the partner of my flight. My prifoher too 
 
 Yet hold i May not refentmem- may not Regi- 
 nald's iixteen years captivity- Oh ! no ! Angela 
 (hall be my advocate ; and, grateful for her own, for 
 her parent's life preferved, (he can, (he will obtain 
 my pardon Yet, fhould (he fail, at lead 1 (hall 
 drag down Ofmond in my fall, and fweeten death's 
 bitter cup with vengeance ! [*;/. 
 
 SCENE III. The Cedar -room > With folding Doors in 
 the middle, and a large antique Bed ; on one Side is 
 the Portrait of a Lady, on the other that of a War- 
 rior armed. .Botb are at full kng'h. dfter a paufe 
 the Female Portrait Jlides bad, and Father Philip, 
 after looking in, advances cauticujly. 
 
 F PHIL, [dofag tbe panne!.'] Thus far I have 
 proceeded without danger, though not without 
 difficulty. Yon narrow paflage is by no means 
 calculated for perfons of my habit of body. By my 
 Holidame, I begin to fufpecl: that the fool is in 
 the right ! I certainly am growing corpulent. 
 And now, how (hall I employ my felt ? Sinner that 
 lam, \yhy did I forget my bottle of fack ? The 
 time will pafs tediouflytill Angela comes. And, to 
 complete the bufmefs, yonder is the haunted Ora- 
 tory. What if the ghoft (hould pop out on me ? 
 
 Bleffed
 
 A D R A M A. S3 
 
 Bleffed St. Bridget, there would be a tete-a-tete ! 
 Yet this is a foolifli fear : 'Tis yet fcarce eight 
 o'clock, and your ghofts always keep late hours ; 
 yet I don't like the idea of our being fuch near 
 neighbours. If Alice fays true, the apparition juft 
 now lives next door to me ; but the Lord forbid 
 that we (hould ever be vifiting acquaintance ! 
 Would I had fomething to drive her out of my 
 head ! A good book now, or a bottle of fack, 
 St. Auguftine, or a cold venifon pafty, would be 
 worth its weight in gold : but in the chambers or 
 thefe young girls one finds nothing good either to 
 read, drink, or eat. Now my laft patronefs, the 
 
 Baronefs O'Drench Ah ! to hear the catalogue 
 
 of her crimes was quite a pleafure, for (he always 
 confefied them over a fir-loin of beef, and, inftead 
 of telling a bead, fwallowed a bumper ! Oh ! (he 
 was a worthy foul ! -But hark ! Angela comes. 
 
 OSM. [without.] What, Alice ! Alice, I fay ! 
 
 K PHIL. By St. David, 'tis the Earl ! I'll away 
 as faft as I can ! [Trying to open the door~\\ can't 
 find the fpring ! Lord forgive me my fins! 
 Where can I hide myfelf ? Ha! the bed ! 'Tis 
 the very thing. [Throws bimfeif into the bed^ and 
 cwccah himfelf under the clothes^] Heaven grant 
 that it mayn't break down with me ; for, Oh ! 
 what a fall would be there, my countrymen ! 
 They come ! 
 
 [The door is unlocked. ~\ 
 
 Enter OSMOND, ANGELA, and ALICE, 
 
 OSM. [entering.] You have heard my will, Lady. 
 Till your hand is mine, you quit not this chamber. 
 
 ANG. If then it mult be fo, welcome my eternal 
 pnfon ! Yet eternal it (hall not be! My hero, my 
 guardian-angel is at liberty ! Soon (hall his horn 
 
 make
 
 54 THE CASTLE SPECTfcE: 
 
 make thefe hateful towers tremble, an'd your fetter* 
 be exchanged for the arms of Percy I 
 
 OSM. Beware, beware, Angela ! Dare not before 
 me - 
 
 ANG. Before you ! before the world ! Is my at- 
 tachment a difgrace ? No ! 'tis my pride ; for its 
 object is deferving. Long ere I knew him, Percy's 
 fame was dear to me. While I {till believed him the 
 peafant Edwy, often, ia his hearing, have I dwelt 
 upon Northumberland's praife, and chid him that 
 he fpoke of our Lord fo coldly ! Ah ! little did I 
 think that the man then feated befide me was he 
 whom I envied for his power of doing good, whom 
 I loved for exerting that power fo largely ! Judge 
 then, Earl Ofmond, on my arrival here how ftrongly 
 I mult have felt the contraft ! What peafant names 
 you his benefactor ? What beggar has been com- 
 forted by your bounty ? what tick man preferved 
 by your care" ? Your bread is unmoved by woe, 
 your ear is deaf to complaint, your doors are barred 
 againft the poor and wretched. Not fo are the gates 
 of AlnwicCaftle; theyareopenas their owner's heart. 
 
 ALICE. My hair (lands on end to hear her ! 
 
 OSM. Jnfulting girl IThis to my face ? 
 
 ANG. Nay, never bend your brows! Shall I 
 tremble, becaufe you frown ? Shall my eye fink, be- 
 cauie anger fialhes from yours ? No ! that would 
 ill become the bride of Northumberland. 
 
 Amazement i Can this be the gentle, 
 timid *lrtv la ? 
 
 A KG. Wonder you that the worm (hould turn 
 when you trample it fo cruelly ? Oh ! wonder no 
 more : Ere he was torn from me, I clafped Percy 
 to my breaft, and my heart caught a fpark of that 
 fire which flames in his unceafingly I 
 
 5 ALKJE.
 
 A D R A M A. 5$ 
 
 ALICE. Caught fire, Lady ! Blefs me, I hope 
 you didn't burn yourfelf? 
 
 OSM. Silence, old crone ! I have heard you 
 calmly, Angela; now then hear me. Twelve 
 hours (hall be allowed you to reflect upon your 
 fituation : till that period is elapfed, this chamber 
 fhall be your prifon, and Alice, on whofe fidelity 
 I can depend, your fole attendant. This term ex- 
 pired, mould you ftill reject my hand, force fhall 
 obtain for me what love denies. Speak not : I 
 will hear nothing! I fwear that to morrow fees you 
 mine, or undone ! and, Skies, rain curfes on me if I 
 keep not my oath ! Markihat, proud girl ! mark 
 it, and tremble ! [Exit. 
 
 F. PHIL. Heaven be praifed, he's gone! 
 AKG. Tremble, did he fay ? Alas ! how quickly 
 is my boafted courage vanimed ! Yet I will not 
 defpair : there is a Power in heaven, there is a 
 Percy on earth ; on them will I rely to fave me. 
 
 ALICE. The firft rfiay, Lady; but as to the 
 fecond, he'U be of no ufe, depend on't. Now 
 might I advtfe, you'd accept my Lord's of- 
 fer: What matters it whether the man's name 
 be Ofmond or Percy ? An Earl's an Earl after all i 
 and though one may be fomething richer than 
 
 t'orher 
 
 ANG. Oh ! filence, Alice ! nor aid my tyrant's 
 defigns : rather inftrucl me how to counteract 
 them. You have influence in the Caftle ; affift 
 me to efcape, and be afilired that Percy's gra- 
 titude and generality 
 
 ALICE. 1 help you to efcape! Not for the beft 
 gown in your Lady (hip's wardrobe ! I tremble at 
 the very idea of my Lord's rage ; and, befides, 
 had I the will, I've not the power. Kenric keeps 
 the keys; we could not poffibly quit the Caftle 
 
 without
 
 56 THE CASTLE SPECTRE 
 
 without his knowledge -, and if the Earl threatens 
 to ufe force with you Oh Gemini ! what would 
 he ufe with me, Lady ? 
 
 ANG. Threatens, Alice ! I defpife his threats ! 
 Ere it pillows Ofmond's head will I plunge this 
 poniard in my bofom. 
 
 ALICE. Holy fathers! A dagger ! 
 
 ANG. Even now, as I wandered through the 
 Armoury, my eye was attracted by its glittering 
 handle. Look, Alice ! it bears Ofmond's name , 
 and the point 
 
 ALICE. Is nifty with blood ! Take it away, 
 Lady ! Take it away ! I never fee blood with- 
 out fainting ! 
 
 ANG. [putting tip the dagger.'] This weapon may 
 render me good fervice. But, ah ! what ier- 
 vice has it rendered Ofmond ! Haply 'twas this 
 very poniard which drank his brother's blood 
 or which pierced the fair breaft of Evelina ! Said 
 you not, Alice, that this was her portrait ? 
 
 ALICE. I did, Lady ; and the likenefs was 
 counted excellent. 
 
 ANG. How fair ! How heavervly ! What 
 fweetnefs, yet what dignity, in her blue, fpeak- 
 ing eyes! 
 
 ALICE. No wonder that you admire her, Lady; 
 fhe was as like you as one pea to another. But 
 this morning you know I promifed to (how you 
 her Oratory, and here I've brought the key. Shall 
 I unlock the door ? 
 
 ANG. Do fo, good Alice ! Haply for a mo- 
 ment it may abftract my thoughts from my own 
 forrows. 
 
 F. PHIL, [uthtle Alice unlocks the door'] Will the 
 old woman never be gone ? I dare not difcover 
 mytelf in her prefence. 
 
 ALICE.
 
 A DRAM A. 
 
 57 
 
 A L ic E leaving opened the folding doors, an Oratory 
 tsfeen, richly ornamented with carving and painted 
 glafs : Angela and Alice enter ;"/]. This room has 
 not been opened fmce my Lady's death, and 
 every thing remains as me lefc it. Look, here is 
 her veil her prayer-book too, in which fhe was 
 reading on the very night before (he quitted the 
 Caftle, never to return ! 
 
 F. PHIL. I'm out of all patience. 
 
 ALICE. And that guitar! How often have I 
 heard her play upon that guitar ! She would fit in 
 yonder window for hours, and ftill me played airsfo 
 fad, fo fweet To be fure, fhe had the fined voice 
 that ever [During thisfpeech Angela, who at firft 
 looks round with curio fit y, throws the veil carekffly 
 over her face ; and, faking the guitar from the table, 
 fir ikes a few wild and melancholy notes. Al ice, wbofe 
 back is towards her, turns haftily round, f creams, 
 and rufljes from the Oratory. Angela cafts the veil 
 and guitar upon the table, and follows her.~] 
 
 ANG. What alarms you ? 
 
 ALICE. Is it you, Lady? Let me die, if I 
 didn't take you for the ghoft ! Your air, your 
 look, your attitude, all were fo like the deceafcd 
 Countefs, that Well, well! I'll not enter that 
 room again in an hurry ! I proteft, my hand trem- 
 bles fo, that I can hardly turn the key ! 
 
 ANG. How contagious is terror ! This filly 
 woman's appreheniions have fpread to my bofom, 
 and fcarce can I look round without alarm. The 
 ftillnefs too of evening The wavering and myf- 
 terious light which dreams through thefe painted 
 windows And, hark ! 'Twas the fhriek of the 
 icreech-owl, which nefts in the tower above ! 
 
 ALICE [having locked the folding doors'] Ah ! 
 
 'twas a fad day for me, when I heard of the dear 
 
 I Lady's
 
 5S THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 Lady's lofs f Look at that bed, Lady : That 
 very bed was hers. 
 
 F. PHIL. Was it fo ? Oh ! ho ! 
 
 ALICE. How often have I feen her Sleeping 
 in that bed and, oh ! how like an angel (he 
 looked when fleeping ! I remember, that juft 
 after Earl Reginald Oh ! Lord I didn't fome- 
 body (hake the curtain ? 
 
 ANG. Abfurd ! It was the wind. 
 
 ALICE. I declare it made roe tremble ! Well, 
 as I was faying, I remember, juft after Earl Regi- 
 nald had fet out for the Scottifh wars, going into 
 her room one morning, and hearing her fob mofl 
 bitterly. So advancing to the bed-fide, as it might 
 be thus " My Lady !" fays I, with a low curt- 
 fey, " Isn't your Ladyfhip well ?" So, with 
 that, (lie raifed her head (lowly above the quilt, and, 
 giving me a mournful look [Here , utifeen by An- 
 gela, who is contemplating Reginald'* portrait. Fa- 
 ther I hilip lifts up bis bead, and gives a deep groanJ] 
 
 ALICE. Jefu Maria! the devil! the devil ! the 
 devil * ! [Exit. 
 
 ANG. [turning round] How now ? [Father Philip 
 rifing frcm the bed // breaks under him, and be rolls 
 at Angela'* feet.'] Good heavens ! a man con- 
 cealed ! [Attempting to pafs him, he detains her 
 by her robe.~] 
 
 F. PHIL. Stay, daughter, (lay ! If you run, I 
 can never overtake you ! 
 
 ANG. Amazement ! Father Philip ! 
 
 F. PHIL. The very fame, and at prefent the 
 
 * This incident is borrowed from The Myfteries of Udol- 
 pho," but employed very differently. In the Romance it brings 
 forward, a terrific fcene. In the Flay it is intended to produce 
 n effect entirely ludicrous. 
 
 i bed
 
 A D R A M A. 59 
 
 beft friend that you have in the world. Daughter, 
 I came to fave you. 
 
 ANG. To fave me ? Speak ! Proceed ! 
 
 F. PHIL. Obferve this picture; it conceals a 
 fpring, whofe fecret is unknown to all in the Caftle 
 except myfelf. Upon touching it, the pannel 
 flides back, and a winding pafiage opens into the 
 marble hall. Thence we muft prrceed to tke 
 vaulted veftibule ; a door is there concealed, fimi- 
 lar to this ; and, after threading the mazes of a 
 iubterranean labyrinth, we mall find ourfelves in 
 fafety on the outfide of the Caftle- walls. 
 
 ANG. Oh ! worthy, worthy Father ! quick let 
 us haften ! Let us not lofe one moment ! 
 
 F. PHIL. Hold ! hold ! Not fo faft. You for- 
 get, that between the hall and veftibule we muft 
 traverfe many chambers much frequented at this 
 early hour. Wait till the Caftle's inhabitants are 
 afleep. Expect me, without fail, at one ; keep 
 up your fpirits, and doubt not of fuccefs. Now 
 then I muft away, left the Earl mould perceive 
 my abfenccr. 
 
 ANG. Stay yet one moment. Tell me, does 
 Percy 
 
 F. PHIL. I have apprifed him, that this night 
 will reftore you to liberty, and he expects you at 
 the fimerman's cottage. Now, then, farewell, fair 
 daughter ! 
 
 ANG. Good Friar, till one, farewell ! 
 
 [Exit F. Philip through the Jliding panael, 
 ckfmg it after bim.~\ 
 
 ANG. This is thy doing, God of Juftice ! Re- 
 ceive my thanks. Yes, Percy, we mall meet once 
 more (hall meet never again to feparate ! Thofe 
 dreams (hall be realized thofe fmiling golden 
 dreams which floated before us in Allan's happy 
 la cottage.
 
 6o THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 cottage. Hand in hand (hall we wander together 
 through life partners in pleafure partners in 
 W oe and when the night of our exiftence arrives, 
 one fpot mall receive our bodies one (lone mall 
 cover our grave. Allan too, and the worthy 
 Maud! my parents my more than parents! to 
 fmooth the pillow of their age to gild their laft 
 hours with fun-mine ! That thought is heaven. 
 So glorious are my profpects, that they dazzle me 
 to look on, and fcarce can I believe them really 
 to exift. Oh ! gracious God ! mould my brain 
 be bewildered by fancy mould I be now the fport 
 of fome deceitful dream, feal up my eyes for ever, 
 never let me wake again ! 1 muft not expect 
 the Friar before one. Till that hour arrives, will 
 I kneel at the feet of yonder Saint, there tell my 
 beads, and pray for morning ! 
 
 E N D of the THIRD ACT. 
 
 ACT IV. 
 
 SCENE 1. -The Caflle.Hall: The Lamps are 
 lighted. 
 
 Enter Father PHILIP. 
 
 Father PHILIP. 
 
 -''TMS near midnight, and the Earl is already 
 * retired to reft. What if I ventured now to 
 the Lady's chamber ? Hark ! I hear the found of 
 footfleps ! 
 
 Enter ALICE. 
 F. PHIL. How, Alice, is it you ? 
 
 ALICE.
 
 . A D R A M A. 61 
 
 .ALICE. So! So! Have I found you at ) aft, 
 Father ? I have been in fcarch of you thefe four 
 hours ! Oh ! I've been fo frightened hnce I faw 
 you, that I wonder 1 keep my fenfes ! 
 
 F. PHIL. So do I j for I'm fure they're not 
 worth the trouble. And, pray, what has alarmed 
 you thus? I warrant you've taken an old cloak 
 pinned againft the wall for a fpe&re, or difcover- 
 cd the devil in the fhape of a tabby-cat. 
 
 ALICE [looking round in terror^] For the love of 
 heaven, Father, don't name the devil ! or, if you 
 muft fpeak of him, pray mention the good gen- 
 tleman with proper politenefs. I'm fure, for my 
 own part, 1 had always a great refpecl: for him, 
 and if he hears me, I dare lay he'll own as much. 
 F. PHIL. Refpecl: for the devil, you wicked 
 woman ! for that perfidious ferpent that crafty 
 
 feducer- 
 
 ALICE. Hum ! Hum ! Father, you make 
 my teeth chatter with fright. For aught I know 
 he's within*hearing, for he certainly haunts this 
 Caftle in the form of my late Lady. 
 
 F. PHIL. Form of a fiddleftick ! Don't tell 
 
 me of your 
 
 ALICE. Father, on the word of a virgin, I faw 
 him this very evening in Lady Angela's bed ! 
 
 F. PHIL. In Lady Angela's? On my con- 
 fcience, the devil has an excellent tafte ! But, 
 Alice ! Alice ! how dare you trot about the 
 houfe at this time of night, propagating fuch abo- 
 minable falfehoods ? One comfort is, that nobody 
 will believe you. Lady Angela's virtue is too 
 well known, and I'm perfuaded (lie woudn't fuf- 
 fer the devil to put a fingle claw into her bed for 
 the univerfe ! 
 
 ALICE.
 
 62 THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 ALICE. How you run on ! Lord blefs me, 
 fhe wasn't in bed herfelf. 
 
 F. PHIL. Oh I Was (he not ? 
 
 ALICE. No, to be fure : But you (hall hear how 
 it happened. We were in the Cedar-room toge- 
 ther ; and while we were talking of this and that, 
 Lady Angela fuddenly gave a great fcream. I 
 looked round, and what mould I fee but a tall 
 figure all in white extended upon the bed ! At 
 the fame time I heard a voice, which I knew to 
 be the Countefs Evelina's, pronounce in an hol- 
 low tone *' Alice ! Alice ! Alice !" three 
 times. You may be certain that I was frightened 
 enough. I inftantly took to my heels ; and juft as 
 I got without fide of the door, I heard a loud clap 
 of thunder, and the whole chamber (hook as if 
 tumbling into a thoufand pieces ! 
 
 F. PHIL. Well done, Alice! A very good 
 ftory, upon my word : It has but one fault 'Tis 
 not true. 
 
 ALICE. Ods my life, Father, how can you tell 
 any thing about it ? Sure 1 mould know beft; for 
 I was there, and you were not. I repeat it I 
 heard the voice as plain as I hear yours: Do 
 you think I've no ears ? 
 
 F. PHIL. Oh ! far from it : I think you've un- 
 commonly good ones; for you not only hear what 
 has been faid, but what has not. Hark ! the 
 clock ftrikes twelve :- 'Tis late, and I'm fleepy, 
 fo (hall bid you farewell for the prefent. As to 
 this wonderful ftory of yours, Alice, I don't be- 
 lieve one word of it : I'll be fworn that the voice 
 was no more like your Lady's than like mine ; 
 and that the devil was no more in the bed than I 
 was. Therefore, take my advice, fet your heart at 
 
 reft,
 
 A D R A M A. 63 
 
 reft, and go quietly to your chamber, as I am 
 now going to mine. Good-night. 
 
 ALICE. Good-night? Surely you'll not have 
 the heart to leave me in this terrible fitnation ! 
 Suppofe Satan mould appear to me when I'm alone ! 
 Sinner that I am, I fhould certainly die of the 
 fright ! Good Father, you are a prieft, and an 
 holy man ; your habit frightens the evil fpirits, 
 and they dare not come near you : Oh ! if you 
 will but fufFer me to pafs the night in your com- 
 pany 
 
 F. PHIL. Oh ! monftrous ! Oh I impudence 
 unparalleled! You naughty, naughty woman, 
 what could put fuch thoughts in your head ? 
 
 ALICE. What's the matter now ? 
 
 F. PHIL. Does not my facred habit infpire you 
 with awe ? Does not the exemplary chaftity of 
 my pad life warn you to conceal fuch licentious 
 defires ? Pafs the night with me indeed ? I'm 
 ihocked at the very thought ! 
 
 ALICE. The man's mad ! Father, as I hope to 
 be faved , 
 
 E. PHIL. Nay! Come not near me! Offer 
 not to embrace me ! 
 
 ALICE, I embrace you ? Lord! Fellow, I 
 wouldn't touch you for the univerfe ! 
 
 F. PHIL. Was it for this that you dill flattered 
 my perfon^ and declared that nothing became a 
 man more than a big belly ? Was it for this that 
 you ftrove to win my heart through the medium of 
 my ftomach ; that you ufed to come languirtiing 
 every day with fomeliquorifh di(h -, and, while you 
 fqneezed my left-hand tenderly, placed a fack- 
 poflet in the right ? Heavens ! how deep-laid 
 were your plans of feduction ! But mark me, 
 tempter: In vain has the foup been lalted, the 
 
 ragout
 
 $4 THE CASTLE SPECTRE; 
 
 ragout feafoned, and the pepper-box (haken wit?i 
 unfparing hand ! My virtue is proof againft all 
 your culinary fpells ; the fairnefs of my innocence 
 is ftill unblemifhed ; and in fpite of your lufcious 
 ftews and favoury hames, I retire like a fecond St. 
 Anthony, victorious from Temptation's lifts ! 
 
 [Exif. 
 
 ALICE. There, he's gone ! Dear heart ! 
 Dear heart ! what (hall I do. now ? 'Tis pad 
 twelve o'clock, and flay by myfelf I dare nor. 
 I'll e'en wake the laundry-maid, make her fit up in 
 my room all night ; and 'tis hard if two women 
 a'n't a match for the beft devil in Chriftendom. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 Enter SAIB end HASSAN. 
 
 SAIB. The Earl then has forgiven me ! A 
 moment longer, and his pardon would have come 
 too late. Had not Kenric held his hand, by thrs 
 time I fhould be at fupper with St. Peter. 
 
 HASS. Your folly well deferved fuch a reward. 
 Knowing the Earl's hafty nature, you mould have 
 (hunned him till the firft florin of paffion was paft, 
 and circumftances had again made your miniftry 
 needful. Anger then would have armed his hand 
 in vain ; for intereft, the white-man's God, would 
 have blunted the point of his dagger. 
 
 SAIB. I trufted that his gratitude for my paft 
 
 fervices 
 
 HASS. European gratitude? Seek conftancy 
 in the winds fire in ice darknefs in the blaze 
 of fun-fhine ! But feek not gratitude in the 
 breaft of an European ! 
 
 SAIB. Then, why f o attached to Ofmond ? 
 For what do you value him ? 
 
 HASS.
 
 A DRAMA. 65 
 
 HASS. Not for his virtues, but for his vices, 
 Saib : Can there for me be a greater caufe to love 
 him ? Am I not branded with fcorn ? Am I 
 not marked out for dilhonour ? Was I nor free, 
 and am I not a flave ? Was I not once beloved, 
 and am I not now defpifed ? What man, did I 
 tender my fervice, would accept the negro's friend- 
 fhip ? What woman, did I talk of affection, would 
 not turn from the negro with difguft P Yet, in my 
 own dear land, my friendship was courted, my 
 love was returned. I had parents, children, wife! 
 Bitter thought in one moment all were loft to 
 me ! Can I remember this, and not hate thefe 
 white men ? Can I think how cruelly they have 
 wronged me, and not rejoice when J fee them 
 fuffer? Attached toOfrnond, fay you? Saib^I hate 
 him ! Yet viewing him as an avenging Fiend fent 
 hither to torment his fellows, it glads me that he 
 fills his office fo well ! Oh ! 'tis a thought which 
 I would not barter for empires, to know that in 
 this world he makes others fuffer, and will fuffer 
 himfelf for their tortures in the next ! 
 
 SAIB. But fay, you be one of thofe whom he 
 caufes to fuffer, how then ? Haffan, I will 
 ileep no more in the Lion's den ! My refolve 
 is taken I will away from the Caftle, and feek in 
 fome other fervice that fccurity 
 
 OSM. \within.~\- What -Hoa ! Help ! 
 
 Lights there ! Lights ! 
 
 HASS. Hark ! Surely 'twas the Earl ! 
 
 OSMOND rujhcs in -wildly. 
 
 OSM. Save me ! Save me ! They are at 
 hand ! Oh ! let them not enter ! [Sinks into the 
 arms 0/Saib."] 
 
 K SAIB,-
 
 66 THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 SAIB. What can this mean ? See, how his 
 eyes roll ! How violently he trembles ! 
 
 HASS. Speak, my Lord Do you not know us? 
 
 OSM. [recovering himfelf.'] Ha ! Whofe voice ? 
 .Haffan's ? And Saib too here ? Oh ! Was 
 it then but a dream ? Did I not hear thofe 
 
 dreadful, thofe damning words? Still, ftill they 
 
 ring in my ears. Haflan ! HaiTan ! Death muft 
 be blifs, in flames or qn the rack, compared to what 
 I have this night fuffered ! 
 
 HASS. Compofe yourfelf, my Lord : Can a 
 mere dream unman you thus ? 
 
 OSM. A mere dream, fay'ft thou ? Haflan, 
 'twas a dream of fuch horror ! Did fuch dreams 
 haunt my bitrereft foe, I fhould wi(h him no fe- 
 verer punimment. Mark you nor, how the ague of 
 fear ftill makes my limbs tremble? Roils not my 
 eye, as if ftill gazing on the Speftre ? Are not my 
 lips convulfed, as were they yet preft by the kifs 
 of corruption ? Oh ! 'twas a light, that might have 
 bleached joy's rofy cheek for ever, and ftrowed 
 the fnows of age upon yoiuh's auburn ringlets ! 
 Yet, away with thefe terrors! Haflan, thou faidft, 
 'twas but a dream : I was deceived by fancy. 
 Haflan, thou faidft true ; there is not, there can- 
 not be, a world to come. 
 
 HASS. My Lord ! 
 
 OSM. Anfwer me not 1 Let me not hear 
 the damning truth ! Tell me nor, that flames 
 await me! that for moments of blifs I muft en- 
 dure long ages of torture ! Plunge me rather in the 
 thickeft gloom of Atheifm ! Say, that with my 
 body muft perifh my foul ! For, oh ! mould my 
 
 fearful dream be prophetic ! Hark, fellows ! 
 
 Inftrumentsof my guilt, liften to my punimment ! 
 
 Mctbought I wandered thiough the low- browed 
 
 i caverns
 
 A D R A M A. 67 
 
 caverns, where repofe the reliques of my anceftors ! 
 My eye dwelt with awe on their tombs, with 
 difguft on Mortality's furrounding emblems ! 
 Suddenly a female form glided along the vault : 
 Ic was Angela ! She fmiled upon me, and beck- 
 oned me to advance. J flew towards her ; my 
 arms were already unclofed to clafp her when 
 fuddenly her figure changed, her face grew pale, a 
 
 ftream of blood gufhed from her bofom ! Haf- 
 
 fan, 'twas Evelina ! 
 
 SATB and HASSAN. Evelina ! 
 
 OSM. Such as when ihe fank at my feet ex- 
 piring, while my hand grafped the dagger ftill 
 crimfoned with her blood ! " We meet again 
 this night !" murmured her hollow voice! " Now 
 rufh to my arms, but firft fee what you have made 
 me ! Embrace me, my bridegroom ! We muft 
 never part again !" While fpeaking, her form 
 withered away : the flefh fell from her bones ; 
 her eyes burn: from their fockets : a fkeleton, 
 loathfome and meagre, clafped me in her moul- 
 dering arms! 
 
 SAIB. Moft horrible ! 
 
 OSM. Her infected breath was mingled with 
 mine ; her rotting fingers prefled my hand, and 
 my face was covered with her kiffes!-^-Oh ! then, 
 then how 1 trembled'with difguft! And now blue 
 difmal flames gleamed along the walls ; the 
 tombs were rent afunder ; bands of fierce fpec- 
 tres' rumed round me in frantic dance ! Fu- 
 rioufly they gnathed their teeth while they gazed 
 upon me, and fhrieked in loud yell " Welcome, 
 thou fratricide! Welcome, thou loft for ever!" 
 -Horror burft the bands of fleep; detracted I 
 flew hither : But my feelings words are too 
 weak, toopowerlefs to cxprefs them. 
 
 K2 SAIB.
 
 68 THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 SAIB. My Lord, my Lord, this was no idle 
 dream ! 'Twas a celeftial warning ; 'twas your 
 better Angel that whifpered " Ofmond, repent 
 your former crimes ! Commit not new ones !" 
 Remember, that this night fhould Kenric 
 
 OSM. Kenric ? Oh ! fpeak ! Drank he the 
 poifon ? 
 
 SAIB. Obedient to your orders, I prefented it 
 at (upper ; but ere the cup reached his lips, his 
 favourite dog fprang upon his arm, and the liquor 
 fell to the ground untafted. 
 
 OEM. Praifed be Heaven ! Then my foul 
 is lighter by a crime ! Kenric ihall live, good 
 Saib. What though be quit me, and betray my 
 fecrets ? Proofs he cannot bring againfl me, and 
 bare affertions will not be believed. At worfl, 
 fhould his tale be credited, long ere Percy can 
 \vreft her from me, fhall Angela be mine. Ange- 
 la ! Oh ! At that name all again is calm in my 
 
 bofom. Humed by her image my tumultuous 
 paffions fink to reft, and my terrors fubfide into 
 that fingle fear, her lofs ! I forget that I have 
 waded to her arms through blood j forget all fave 
 my affeftion and her beauty ! 
 
 SAIB. You forget too that her heart is ano- 
 ther's? Oh! my Lord, reflect on your conduct 
 v.-hile it is yet time ; reftore the poor Angela to 
 liberty j refign her to her favoured lover' 
 
 OSM. Sooner will I refign my life ! Fellow, 
 you know not what you fay : My heart firings 
 are twitted round the maid ; ere I refign her, thole 
 firings mud break. If I exift to-morrow night, I 
 will pafs it in her arms. If I exift ? Ha ! 
 Whence that doubt? " We meet again this night !" 
 So faid the Speftre ! Dreadful words, be ye 
 blotted from my mind for ever! Haflan, to your 
 
 vigilance
 
 A DRAMA. 69 
 
 vigilance I leave the care of my beloved. Fly to 
 me that inftant, mould any unbidden foot-ftep 
 approach yon chamber-door. I'll to my couch 
 again. Follow me, Saib, and watch me while I 
 ileep. Then, if you fee my limbs convulfed, my 
 teeth clenched, my hair bridling, and cold dews 
 trembling on my brow, feizc me ! Roufe me ! 
 
 Snatch me from my bed ! I muft not dream 
 again. Oh ! faithlefs Sleep, why art thou too 
 leagued with my foes ? There was a time, when 
 thy prefence brought oblivion to my forrows ; 
 when thy poppy-crown was mingled with rpfes ! 
 
 Now, Fear andRemorfe thy fad companions, I 
 (hudder to fee thee approach my couch ! Blood 
 trickles from thy garments ; fnakes writhe around 
 thy brows : thy hand holds the well-known fa- 
 tal dagger, and plunges it ftill recking in my bread ! 
 Then do I (hriek in agony ; then do I flare 
 diftra&ed from thy arms ! Oh ! how 1 hate thee, 
 Sleep ! Friend of Virtue, oh ! how I dread thy 
 coming* ! [Exit with Saib. 
 
 HASS. [alone.~\ Yes, thou art fweet, Ven- 
 geance ! Oh ! how it joys me when the white 
 man fuffers ! Yet weak are his pangs, compar- 
 ed to thofe I felt when torn from thy (hores, 
 O native Africa ! from thy bofom, my faithful 
 Samba ! -Ah ! doft thou ftill exift, my wife ? 
 Has forrow for my lofs traced thy fmooth brow 
 with wrinkles? My boy too, whom on that morn- 
 
 * This fcene will doubtlefs have reminded the Reader of 
 Clarence's Dream, Richards Dream, &c. : But it bears a much 
 clofer refemblance to the Dream of Fronds in ScblJ'ers Robbers^ 
 which, in my opinion, is furpaifed by no vifion ever related upon 
 the Stage. Were I afked to produce an initan'ce of the terrific 
 and fublime, I fhould name the Parricide's conftffion " Ici> 
 kanntc den Mann !"
 
 7 o THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 ing when the man-hunters feized me, I left fleep- 
 ingon thy bofom, fay, Lives he yet ? Does he ever 
 ipeak of me ? Does he afk, t( Mother, defcribe 
 to me my father ; fhow me how the warrior 
 looked * ?" Ha ! has my bofom ftill room for 
 thoughts fo tender ? Hence with them ! Vengeance 
 muft pofiefs it all ! Oh. ! when I forget my 
 wrongs, may I forget myfelf ! When I forbear to 
 hate thefe Chriftians, God of my fathers ! may ft 
 
 thou hate me ! Ha ! Whence that light ? A 
 
 man moves this way with a lamp ! How cau- 
 tioufly he fteals along ! He muft be watched. 
 This friendly column will fhield me from his re- 
 gards. Silence ! He comes. [Retires. 
 
 KENRIC enters fof tly with a Lamp. 
 
 KENRIC. All is hufhed ! The Caftle feems 
 buried in fleep. Now then to Angela ! [Exit. 
 
 HASSAN [advancing.'] It wasKenric ! Srill he 
 moves onwards Now he flops 'Tis at the door of 
 Angela's chamber! He unlocks it! He enters ! 
 Away then to the Earl : Chriftian, foon fhall 
 we meet again ! [Exit. 
 
 SCENE II ANGELA'J Apartment. 
 
 ANGELA ftands by the Window, which is open, 
 and through which the Moon isfeen. 
 
 ANGELA. Will it never arrive, this tedious lin- 
 gering hour ? Sure an age muft have elapfed fmce 
 the Friar left me, and ftill the bell ftrikes not one ! 
 Percy, does thy impatience equal mine ? Doft 
 
 * 1 fufpeft this idea to be the property of fome other perfon, 
 but what other perfon 1 know not : 7t is much at the ftrvice 
 of any one who may think it worth claiming. 
 '** thou
 
 J'fr DRAMA. 71 
 
 thou too count the moments which divide us ? 
 Doft thou too chide theflownefs of Time's pinions, 
 which moved fo fwiftly when we ftrayed together 
 on the Cheviot Hills ? Methinks I fee him now, 
 as he paces the Conway's margin : If a leaf falls, if 
 a bird flutters, he flies towards it, for he thinks 'tis 
 the foot-ftep of Angela : Then, with flow fteps and 
 bending head, disappointed he regains the rimer's 
 cottage. Perhaps, at this moment, his eyes like 
 mine are fixed on yonder planet ; perhaps, this 
 fweet wind which plays on my chefk, is freighted 
 with the fighs of my Lover. - Oh ! figh no more, 
 my Percy ! Soon (hall I repofe in fafety on your 
 bofom ; foon again fee the moon died her filver 
 light on Cheviot, and hear its green hilts repeat 
 the carol of your mellow horn ! 
 
 SONG. 
 
 HOW flow the lingering moments wear ! 
 
 Ye hours, in pity fpeed your flight, 
 Till Cheviot's hills fo freftS and fair 
 
 Again (hall meet my longing fight ! 
 Oh ! then what rapture 'twill afford 
 
 Once morethofe fcenes beloved to fee, 
 Where Percy's heart firft told its Lord, 
 
 He loved the Lafs of low degree 1 
 
 No founding titles graced my name, 
 
 No bounteous kinfmen fwelled my dower ; 
 
 But Percy fought no high-born Dame, 
 But Percy fought not wealth or power. 
 
 He fought a fond, a faithful heart, 
 He found the heart he fought in me ; 
 
 He faw her pure and free from art, 
 And loved the Lafs of low degree *. 
 
 * Owing to the great exertions which her chara&er de- 
 manded, Mrs. Jordan omitted this Song, 
 
 The
 
 72 THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 The Cattle feems to be ftill already : Would the 
 Friar had named an earlier hour ! By this I might 
 have been fafe in the fifher's cottage. Hark !- 
 Surely I heard - Some one unlocks the door ! 
 Oh! mould it be the Earl! Should he not re- 
 tire ere the Monk arrives! The door opens ! 
 How ! Kenric here ! Speak What would 
 you ? 
 
 Enter KENRIC, 
 
 KENR. Softly, Lady !-^-If over-heard, I am 
 loft, and your fate is connected with mine [pla- 
 cing bis lamp upon the table] 
 
 ANG. What means this myftery ? This mid- 
 night vifit- " 
 
 KENR. Is the vifit of a Friend, of a Peni- 
 tent! Lady, I muft away from the Caftle : The 
 keys are in my poffeflion : I will make you the 
 companion of my flight, and deliver you fafe into 
 
 the hands of Percy. But, ere wedepart-~-[ter/- 
 
 ing\ Oh ! tell me, Lady, will you plead- for me 
 wini one, who to me alone owes fixteen years of 
 hard captivity ? 
 
 ANG. Rife, Kenric I underftand you not. 
 Of what captive do you fpeak ? 
 
 KENR. Of one, who by me has been moft in- 
 jured who to you will be moft dear ! Liften, 
 Lady, to my ftrange narration. I was brought up 
 with Ofmond was the partner of his pleafures 
 the confident of his cares. .The latter fprang 
 folely from his elder brother, whole birth-right he 
 coveted, whofe fuperiority he envied. Yet his 
 averfion burft not forth, till Evelina Neville, re- 
 jecting his hand, beftowed hers with her heart on 
 Reginald. Then dkl Ofmond's paflion over-leap 
 all bounds. He refolvedto affaffinate his brother 
 
 when
 
 A D R A M A. 73 
 
 \rhen returning from the Scottifli wars, carry off 
 the Lady, and make himfelf mafter of her perfbn 
 by force. This fcheme he imparted to me : he 
 flattered, threatened, promifed, and I yielded to 
 his fedu&ion ! 
 
 ANGi Wretched man ! 
 
 KENR. Condemn me not unheard. 'Tis true> 
 that I followed Ofmond to the fcene of daughter, 
 but no blood that day imbrued my hand. It was 
 the Earl whofe fword ftruck Reginald to the 
 ground : it was the Earl whofe dagger was riifed 
 to complete his crime, when Evelina threw herfelf 
 upon her hufband's body, and received the weapon 
 in her own. 
 
 ANG. Dreadful ! Dreadful ! 
 
 KENR. His hopes difappointed by this acci- 
 dent, Ofmond*s wrath became madnefs. He gave 
 the word for flaughter* and Reginald's few attend- 
 ants were butchered on the fpot. Scarce could my 
 prayers a'nd arguments fave from his wrath his in- 
 fant niece, whofe throat was already gored by his 
 poniardi Angela, yours ftill wears that mark. 
 
 ANG. Mine ?***-" -"Almighty powers ! 
 
 KEN. Lady, 'tis true. I concealed in Allan's 
 Cottage the heirefs of Conway : There were you 
 doomed to languilh in obfcurity, till, alarmed by 
 the report of his fpies that Percy loved you, and 
 dreading your meeting with fo powerful a fup- 
 porter, Ofmond decreed your death a fecondtime. 
 With this intention he fought your retreat , buc 
 when in you he beheld Evelina's living image, 
 he changed his bloody purpofe. He caiifed me to 
 reclaim you from Allan, and refolved, by making 
 you his wife, to give himfelf a lawful claim to thele 
 poffeffions. 
 
 Anc. The monfter ! Now then I know, when 
 L he
 
 74 
 
 THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 he prefled my hand, why (till my blood ran cold ! 
 'Twas nature, that revolted at the fratricide's 
 touch : 'Twas my mother's fpirit, that whifpercd, 
 * c Love not my murderer !" Oh ! Good good 
 Kenric ! And you knelt to me for pardon ? You, to 
 whom I owe my life ! You, to whom 
 
 KEN, Hold ! oh ! hold ! Lady, how little do 
 Ideferve.your thanks !~Oh ! liften! liften ! I was 
 the iaft to quit the bloody fpot : Sadly was I re- 
 tiring, when a faint groan ftruck my ear. I fprang 
 from my horfe; I placed my hand on Reginald's 
 heart ; it beat beneath the prefiure ! 
 
 {Here Ofmond appears at the door, motions to Saib, 
 &c. 'to retire, and advances him f elf uncbferved.] 
 
 ANG. It beat ! ID beat ! Cruel, and your dag- 
 ger; 
 
 KEN. Oh ! that would have been mercy ! No, 
 Lady, I preferved his life to rob him of liberty. 
 It ftruck me, how ftrong would be my hold over 
 Ofmond, while his brother was in my power ; and 
 this reflection determined me to preferve him. 
 Having plunged the other bodies in the Con- 
 way's flood, I placed the bleeding Earl's on my 
 horfe before me, and conveyed him ftill infenfible 
 to a retreat, to at! except myfelf a fecret. There 
 I tended his wounds carefully, and fucceeded in 
 preferving his life. Lady, Reginald ftill exifts. 
 [Here Ofmond with a furious kok draws his dagger, 
 and motions to Jlab Kenric. A moments reflection 
 makes him flay his hand, and he returns the weapon into 
 thefceath.] 
 
 ANG. Still exifts, fay you ? My father ftill ex- 
 ms ? 
 
 KEN. He does, if a life fo wretched can be term- 
 ed exiftence. While his fwoon lafted, I chained 
 him to his dungeon wall 3 and no fooncr were his 
 
 wounds
 
 A D R A M A. 75 
 
 wounds healed, than I entered his prifon no more. 
 Through a wicket in his. dungeon-door I fupplied 
 him with food j and when in plaintive terms he fued 
 to me for mercy, hafty I fled, nor gave an anfwer. 
 Lady, near iixteen years have pafled, fince an hu- 
 man voice ftruck the ear of Reginald ! 
 
 ANG. Alas ! alas ! 
 
 KEN. But the hour of his releafe draws near: 
 I difcovered this night that Ofmond feeks my life, 
 and refolved to throw myfelf on your mercy. Then 
 tell me, Lady, will you plead for me with your 
 father? Think you, he can forgive the author of 
 his fufferings ? 
 
 ANG. Kenric, you have been guilty, cruel 
 But reflore to me my father; aid us to efeape ; 
 and all mall be forgiven, all forgot. 
 
 KEN. Then follow me in filence : I will .guide 
 you to Reginald's dungeqn : This key unlocks the 
 Caftle gates - ? and ere the cock crows, fafe in the 
 
 arms of Percy [Here his eye falls upon Ofmpnd, 
 
 Iff bo has advanced between him and Angela. She 
 Jhrieks, and finks into a chair\ Horror ! The Earl i 
 Undone for ever i 
 
 OSM. Mifcreant ! Witljin there ! 
 
 Enter SAIB, HASSAN, MULEY, and ALARIC. 
 
 OSM. Hence with that traitor I confine him in 
 the weftern tower ! 
 
 ANG. [ftarting wildly from far feat."] Yet fpcak 
 once more ? Kenric ! Where is my Father ? 
 What place conceals him ? 
 
 OSM. Let him not fpeak ! Away with him ! 
 Kenric is forced off by the Africans.] 
 
 OSM. [Paces thejiage ivith a furious air, while 
 
 Angela eyes him with terror : at length he ft ops, and 
 
 addreffes her.'] Nay, (bfle not your curies ! Why 
 
 L a mould
 
 7* THIS CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 (hould your lips be filent when your eye fpeaks ? 
 Is there not written on every feature " Ven- 
 " geance on the afiaffin ! Juftice on my mother's 
 " murderer ?" But mark me, Angela ! Com* 
 pared to that which foon muft' be thine, thefe 
 titles are fweet and lovely. Know'ft thou the 
 word parricide, Angela ? Know'ft thou their 
 pangs who fhed the blood of a parent ? Thofe 
 pangs muft be thine to-morrow. This long-con- 
 cealed captive, this new-found father*, - 
 
 ANG. Your brother, Ofmond ? Your bro, 
 ther? Surely you cannot will not 
 
 OSM. Still doubt you, that I both can, and 
 will ? Remember Kenric's tale l-^-Remember, 
 though the firft blow failed, the fecond will 
 ftrike deeper !~ But from whom muft Reginald 
 receive that fecond ? : Not from his rival brother f 
 not from his inveterate foe ! From his daughter, 
 his unfeeling daughter ! 'Tis me, who, refufing me 
 her hand, will place a dagger in mine ; 'tis me, 
 whofe voice declaring that (he hates me, will bid 
 me plunge that dagger in her fathers heart ! 
 
 ANG. Man ! man ! drive me not mad ! 
 
 OSM. [pointing to Reginald'* for trait'] Look 
 \iponthis picture ! Mark, what a noble form! 
 How fweet, how commanding the expreflion of 
 his full dark eye 1 Then fancy that he lies in fome 
 damp folitary dungeon, writhing in death's 
 agonies, his limbs diftorted, his eye- firings 
 breaking, his foul burthened with crimes from 
 which no prieft has abfolved him, his laft words 
 curies on his unnatural child, who could have 
 faved him, but who would not ! 
 
 ANG. Horrible ! horrible 1 
 
 , OSM. Yet if you ftill rejed my offers, thus 
 muft it be. Tortures fhall compel Kenric to re- 
 &'.- veal
 
 A D R A M A. 77 
 
 veal what dungeon conceals your father ; and ere 
 to-morrow dawns (hall Angela lie a bride in my 
 arms, or Reginald a corfe at my feet. Nay, fpare 
 entreaties ! Why (hould I heed your forrows ? - 
 You have gazed unmoved upon mine !- Why 
 Ihould I be foftened by your tears ? Mine never 
 were dried by your pity ! Cold and inflexible 
 have you been to my defpair, fo will 1 be to yours. 
 Speak then, is Percy's love or your father's life 
 moil dear to you ?-Does the falfe miftrefs or the 
 unnatural child found moft grating in your ears ?-*- 
 Muft Reginald die, or will Angela be mine ? 
 
 ANG. Thine? She will perifti firft I 
 
 OSM. You have pronounced his fentence, and 
 his blood be on your head ! Farewel ! 
 
 ANG. [detaining him, and throwing ber.f elf on her 
 knees.'] Hold ! hold ! Oh ! go not, go riot yet ! 
 - Wretch that I am, where (hall I fly for fuccdur ? 
 ^Mercy, Ofmond! Oh 1 mercy, mercy! Behold 
 me at your feet, fee me bathe them with my 
 tears ! Look with pity on a creature whom your 
 cruelty has bowed to the earrji, whofe heart you 
 have almoft broken, whofe brain you have al- 
 moft turned ! ^-Mercy, Ofmond ! Oh ! mercy 1 
 mercy ! 
 
 OSM. Lovely, lovely fuppliant !- And why not 
 profit by the prefent moment ? Why owe to cold 
 confent what force may this inftant give me ?^-lt 
 
 (hall be fo, and thus [attempting to ctafp her 
 
 in bis arms, Jhe Jlarts from the ground fuddtnly , and 
 draws her dagger with a diftrafted look.~\ 
 
 ANG. Away ! Approach me not! Dare not 
 to touch me, or this poniard 
 
 OSM. Foolifh girl ! Let me but fay the word, 
 and thou arc difarmed that moment. 
 
 ANG. But not by tbee, Ofmond ! Oh ! never 
 
 by
 
 j* THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 by thee ! Hadft thou the force of fabled giants, 
 vainly wouldft thou ftrive to wreft this dagger 
 from my hand. 
 
 OSM. Let this convince you how eafily [s?f* 
 temptir.g tojeiie it, his eye refts upon the hilt, and be 
 farts back with horror.'] By hell, the very poniard 
 which 
 
 ANG. [in an exulting toneJ] Ha ! haft thou 
 found me, villain ? Villain, doft thou know this 
 weapon ? Know'ft thou \vhofe blood incrufls the 
 point ? Murderer, it flowed from the bofom of 
 my mother ! - 
 
 OSM. Within there ! -Help! [Hafian and Ala- 
 He enter.] Oh! God in heaven! [He falls fen fe- 
 kfs into their arms, and they convey him from the 
 ibamber : the doer is locked after them.] 
 
 ANG. [alone.'] He faints! -Long may the vil- 
 lain wear thy chains, Oblivion ! Long be it ere 
 he wakes to commit new crimes ! My father in 
 Ofmond's power ? Oh ! 'tis a dreadful thought ! 
 But no, it muft not, mall not be \ 1 will to Of- 
 mond will promife to be his will facrifice my 
 love, my happinefs, my peace of mind every thing 
 but my father ! Yet, to bid an affaffin reft upon my 
 bofom, to prefs that hand in mine which pierced the 
 
 heart of my parent Oh ! it were monftrous ! 
 
 [Kneeling before Evelina'j portrait.'] Mother ! 
 Btefed Mother! If indeed thy fpirit ftill lingers 
 amidft thefe fcenes of forrow, look on my defpair 
 with pity ! fly to my aid ! oh ! fly, and fave my 
 father ! [She remains for fome moments prcjlrate on 
 the gnvnd in Jilent Jorrow. Tke Caftle-bell tolls the 
 hoi-.r : Jhs raifes fterftif and counts the quarters, after 
 which it Jinks " oner} Hark! the bell tolls! 
 "1 is the time which the Monk- appointed. He 
 will not tarn': But 1 mult not follow him! I 
 
 will
 
 A D R A M A. 79 
 
 \*ill not fly and abandon my father ! Yet may 
 not my flight preferve him ? Yes, yes, I will 
 away to Percy : By the fame paflage which fa- 
 vours my efcape, his vaflals may eafily furprife 
 the Caftle, may feize Ofmond ere he effects his 
 crime, and to-morrow may fee Reginald reftored 
 to freedom, to his domains, and to his daughter! 
 -r-Oh ! then fweet indeed will be my feelings ! 
 Then only can my heart know joy, when it throbs 
 againft a father's ! Ha ! what was that ? Me- 
 thought the found of mufic floated by me ! It 
 feemed as fame one had ftruck the guitar ! I 
 raufl have been deceived it was but fancy. 
 [// plain? he voice ftngs within, accompanied by a 
 guitar] 
 
 " Lullaby ! Lullaby !Hufti thee, my dear, 
 " Tby father is coming, and foon will be here !" 
 
 ANG. Heavens! The very words which Alice 
 The door too ! It moves ! it opens ! Guard 
 me, good Angels ! 
 
 [The folding-doors unclofe, and the Oratory is feen 
 illuminated. In its centre Jiands a tall female figure > her 
 white and flowing garments fpotted with blocd', her veil 
 is thrown back, and d'fcovers a pah ar.d melancholy coun- 
 tenance ; her eyes are lifted upwards., her arms extended 
 towards heaven, and a large wound appears upon her 
 bofom. Angela finks upon her knees , with her eyes 
 riveted upon the figure, which for fome moments re- 
 mains motionlefs. At length the Speftre advances Jlow- 
 /y, to a foft and plaintive ftrain ; Jhe flops oppojite to 
 Reginald 's pifture, and gazes upon it infilence. She 
 then turns, approaches Angela, feetns to invoke a 
 Ueffmg u!)on her, points to the pifture, and retires 
 to the Oratory. The mufic ceafes. Angela rifes with 
 a wild look, and follows the Vifton, extending her arms 
 towards ;/.J 
 
 5 ANG
 
 to HE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 ANO. Stay, lovely fpirit ! Oh ! ftay yet 
 moment ! 
 
 [fbe Speftfe waves her band, as lidding her fare- 
 wtl. Injlantly the organs fwell is heard ; a full 
 (borus of female voices cbaunt "Jubilate!" a blaze 
 cf light flajbes through the Oratory, and the folding 
 doors clofe with a loud noife.^] 
 
 ANG. Oh ! Heaven proteft me ! [Sbe falls 
 motMefs on the floor,] 
 
 END of the FOURTH ACT. 
 
 A C T V. 
 
 SCENE I. A View of Conway Caftle by Moon- 
 
 Enter PERCY and MOTLEY. 
 
 MOT LIT. 
 
 IN truth, my Lord, you venture too neat the 
 Cattle. Should you fall into Ofmond's power 
 a fecond time, your next jump may be into a 
 better world. 
 
 PERCY. Oh ! there is no danger, Motley. My 
 followers are not far off, and will join me at a 
 moment's warning ; then fear not for me. 
 
 MOTL. With all my heart, but permit me to 
 fear for myfelf. Wearcow within bow-fliot of 
 the Caftle. The archers may think proper to 
 amufe us with a proof of their fkill ; and were I 
 to feel an arrow quivering. in my gizzard, pro- 
 bably I fhould be much more furprifed than 
 
 . plcafed.
 
 A D R A iM A. 81 
 
 ^leafed. Good my Lord, let us back to the 
 fifherman's hut. 
 
 PERCY. Your advice may be wife, Gilbert, buc 
 I cannot follow it. Angela s efcape may be dif- 
 covered (he may be purfued, and in need of 
 my afiitance. Then counfel not my retiring; 
 my fears of lofing Angela are too ftrong, the 
 flame which burns in my bofom too ardent ! 
 
 MOTL. I'm fure no flame burning in your 
 bofom can give you fo much pain as an arrow 
 would give me flicking in mine j and as to your 
 fears of lofing the Lady, I'd bet mine of lofing 
 my life againft any fears in Chriftendom! 
 
 PERCY. How, Gilbert? Have you not pro- 
 mifed to ftand by me to the laft ? Did you not 
 fay you could die in my fervice with pleafure ? 
 
 MOTL. Very true. But, Lord ! if a man was 
 always taken at his word, the world would foon be 
 turned upfide down. When a polite gentleman 
 begs you to confider his houfe as your own, and 
 afiures you that all he has is at your difpofal, he'd 
 be in a terrible fcrape if you began knocking down 
 his walls, or requefted the loan of his wife or daugh- 
 ters ! No, no, Sir ! When I {aid that I mould die 
 in your fervice with pleafure, I intended to live in 
 it many long years ; fince, to tell you the truth, 
 from a child I had always a particular diflike to 
 dying, and I think that with every hour the pre- 
 judice grows ftronger. Good my Lord, let us be 
 gone. Ere long I doubt not 
 
 PERCY. Hark ! Did I not hean No ! She 
 
 comes not ! Heavens, fhould the Friar's plot 
 have failed ! 
 
 MOTL. Failed, and a Pried and a Petticoat 
 
 concerned in it ? Oh ! no ; a plot compofed of 
 
 fuch good ingredients cannot butfuccced. Ugh ! 
 
 M Would
 
 ti THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 Would I were a^ain feared by the Fifher's hearth ! 
 The wind blows cruel (harp and bitter ! 
 
 PRCY. For (name, Gilbert ! Am I not 
 equally expofed to its feverity ? 
 
 ,MOTL. Oh ! The flame in your bofom 
 keeps you warm ; and in a cold night love wraps 
 one up better than a blanket*. But that not 
 being my fituation, the prefent object of my de- 
 fires is a blazing wood-fire, and Venus would look, 
 to me lefs lovely than a fmoking fack-poflet ! Oh ! 
 when I was in love, I managed matters much bet- 
 ter : I always paid my addrelfcs by the fire-fide, 
 and contrived to urge my foft fuit juft at dinner- 
 time. Then how 1 filled my fair-one's ears with 
 fine fpeeches, while (he filled my trencher with 
 road-beef ! Then what figures and tropes came 
 out of my mouth, and what dainties and tid-bits 
 went in ! 'Twould have done your heart good to 
 hear me talk, and fee me eat and you'd have 
 found it no eafy matter to decide, whether I had 
 moft wit or appetite. 
 
 PERCY. And who was the object of this vora- 
 cious paflion r 
 
 MOTL. A perfon well calculated to charm 
 both my heart and my ftomach : It was a Lady 
 of great merit, \\ho did your Father the honour 
 to fuperimend his culinary concerns. I was 
 icarce fifteen, when (he kindled a flame in my 
 heart, while lighting the kitchen fire, and from 
 that moment 1 thought on nothing but her. My 
 mornings were paffed in compofmg poems on her 
 beauty, my evenings in reciting them in her ear ; 
 for Nature had equally denied the fair creature 
 and myfelf the faculty of reading and writing. 
 
 * Sancho makes nearly the fame obferTation upon deep. 
 
 ^ PERCY.
 
 A DRAMA. 83 
 
 PERCY. You were fucce&ful, I hope ? 
 
 MOTL. Why, at length, my Lord, a Pin- 
 daric Ode upon her grace in frying pancakes 
 melted her heart. She confemed to be mine 
 when, oh ! cruel Fortune! taking one night a 
 drop too much poor dear creature! (lie ne- 
 ver got the better of it ! I wept her lofs, and 
 compofed an Elegy upon it, which has been 
 thought, by many perfons of great judgment, not 
 totally dcilitute of tafle and fublimity. It began 
 thus 
 
 Baked be the pics to coals ! Bam, road-meat, burn ! 
 Boil o'er, ye pots ! Ye fpits, forget to turn ! 
 Cindrelia's death 
 
 PERCY. Peace ! peace ! See you nothing 
 near yonder tower ? 
 
 MOTL. Yes, certainly. Two perfons ad- 
 vance towards us Yet they cannot be our friends, 
 for I fee neither the Lady's petticoat nor the Monk's 
 paunch ! 
 
 PERCY. Scill they approach, though (lowly 
 One leans on his companion, and feems to move 
 with pain. Let us retire and obferve them. 
 
 MOTL. Away, Sir I'm at your heels. 
 
 [They draw back. 
 
 Enter SAIB conducing KENRIC. 
 
 SAIB. Nay, yet hold up a while ! Now we 
 are near the Fifher's cottage. 
 
 KEM R. GoodSaib, I needs muft flop ! Enfeebled 
 by Ofmond's tortures, my limbs refufe to bear me 
 further ! Here lay me down : Then fly to Per- 
 cy, guide him to the dungeon, and, ere 'tis too 
 late, bid him fave the Father of Angela ! 
 
 PERCY [to Motley.] Hark ! Did you hear ? 
 M 2 SAIB
 
 84 THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 SAJB. Yet, to leave you thus alone ! 
 
 KENR. Oh! heed not me! Think, that on 
 thefe few moments depends our fafety, Angela's 
 freedom, Reginald's life ! You have the maf- 
 ter-key ! Fly then oh ! fly to Percy ! 
 
 PERCY [ft ar ting forward.'] Said he not Regi- 
 nald ? Speak again, ftranger ! What of Regi- 
 nald ? 
 
 SAIB. Ha! Look up, Kenric ! 'Tis Pcr- 
 cy's-felf ! 
 
 PERCY and MOTLEY. How ! Kenric ? 
 
 KENR. \fmking at Percy V feet.'] Yes, the 
 guilty, the penitent Kenric ! Oh ! furely 'twas 
 Heaven fent you hither ! Know, E^rl Percy, that 
 Reginald lives, that Angela is his daughter ! 
 
 PERCY. Amazement ! And is this known to 
 Ofmond ? 
 
 KENR. Two hours have fcarcely parted fince 
 he furprifed the fecret. Tortures compelled me 
 to avow where Reginald was hidden, and he now is 
 in his brother's power. Fly then to his aid ! 
 Alas ! perhaps at this moment his deftruction is 
 completed ! Perhaps even now Ofmond 's dag. 
 ger 
 
 PERCY. Within there ! Allan ! Harold ! 
 
 Quick, Gilbert, found your horn ! [Motley 
 
 founds //.] 
 
 Enter ALLAN, EDRIC, HAROLD, and Soldiers. 
 
 PRCY. Friends, may I depend on your fun- 
 port ? 
 
 HAR. Whi'e we breathe, all will (land by 
 you! 
 
 SOLDIIRS. A11!~AH! 
 
 PERCY.
 
 A DRAMA. *- 
 
 VERCY. Follow me then ! Away ! 
 KENR. Yet (lay one moment ! Percy, to 
 this grateful friend have I confided a mafter-key, 
 which will inftantly admit you to the Caftle, and 
 have defcribed to him the retreat of Reginald ! 
 -Be he your guide, and haften - Oh ! that pang ! 
 [He faints ; Allan and Edricfupport him.] 
 
 PERCT. Look, to him! He links! Bear 
 him to your hut, Edric, and there tend his hurts 
 [To Saib.] Now on, good fellow, and fwiftly ! 
 Ofmond, defpair ! I come ! 
 
 [Exit, with Saib, Motley, Harold, and Soldiers 
 on onejide, while Allan and Edric convey away 
 Kenilcjlill fainting on the 
 
 SCENE \\.-AVaultedCbamber. 
 
 Enter Father PHILIP, with a Bajket on his Arm 
 and a 'Torch, conducting ANGELA. 
 
 F. PHIL. Thanks to St. Francis, we have as 
 yet pafied unobferved ! Surely, of all travelling 
 companions, Fear is the leaft agreeable : I couldn't 
 be more fatigued, had I run twenty miles without 
 flopping! 
 
 ANC. Why this delay ? Good Father, let us 
 proceed. 
 
 F. PHIL. Ere I can go further, Lady, I muft 
 needs ftop to take breath, and refrefh my fpirits 
 with a tafte of this cordial [taking a bottle from 
 the bajket.~\ 
 
 ANG. Oh ! not now ! Think that Ofmond 
 may difcover me, and mar your kind intentions.- 
 This room, you fay, conceals the private door: 
 Pry'thee, unclofe it ! Let us from hence! Wait 
 till we are fafe under Percy*s protection, and then 
 drink as you lift. But not now, Father ! In pity, 
 not now ! 
 
 F.PHIL.
 
 16 THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 F. PHIL'. Well, well, be calm, Daughter ! 
 Oh! thefe women! thcfe women ! They mind 
 no one's comfort but their own ! - Now, where 
 is the door ? 
 
 ANG. How tedious feems every moment which 
 I pafs within the fehated walls ! - Ha ! Yon- 
 der comes a light ! 
 
 F. PHIL. So, fo I've found it at laft [touch- 
 ing afpring, afecret door flies open.} 
 
 ANG. It moves this way! By all .my fears, 
 'tis Ofmond ! In, Father, in ! Away, for Hea- 
 ven's fake ! [Exeunt, clofmg the door after tbcin. 
 
 Enter OSMOND and HASSAN ivitb a 
 
 OSM. [after a paufe of glccmy meditation] Is all 
 ilill within the Cattle ? 
 
 HASS. As the filenceof the grave. 
 
 OSM. Where are your fellows ? 
 
 HASS. Saib guards the traitor Kenric : Muley 
 and Alaric are buried in fleep. 
 
 OSM. Their hands have been ftnincd with blooc 1 , 
 and yet can they fleep 3 Call your companions 
 hither. [Haffan offers to have the torcH\. Away 
 with the light! Its beams are hateful ! 
 
 [Exit Hafian. 
 
 OSM. [clone] Yes! this is the place. IfKtnric 
 faid true, for fixteen years have the vaults be- 
 neath me rang with my brother's groans. I dread 
 to unclofe the door ! How (hall I fuftain the 
 beams of his eye when they reft on Evelina's mur- 
 derer ? How will his proud heart fwell with rage 
 at meeting his ufurping brother ! Ah ! the 
 beams of his eye muft long fmce have been 
 quenched in teais ! The pride of his heart mull- 
 by this be fubdued by fufferings ! Great have 
 been thofe flifferings in truth fo great, that even 
 
 my
 
 A D R A M A. *f 
 
 my hatred bends before them. Yet for that 
 hatred had 1 not caufe ? At Tournaments, 'twas 
 on Reginald that each bright eye was bent ; ac 
 Court, 'twas to Reginald that each noble proffer- 
 ed friendlhip. Evelina too ! Ha ! at that name 
 my expiring hate revives ! Reginald ! Reginald ! 
 for thee was 1 facrificed ! Oh ! when it ftrikes 
 afccond blow, my poniard (hall flab furer ! 
 
 Enter HASSAN, MULEV, and ALARIC, with Torches. 
 
 THE AFRICANS. \togetber\NLy Lord ! My Lord ! 
 
 OSM. Now, why this hafte ? 
 
 HASS. I tremble to inform you, that Saib has 
 fled the Caftle. A mafter-key, which he found 
 upon Kenric, and of which he kept pofTeffion, 
 has enabled him to efcape. 
 
 OSM. Saib too gone ? All are falfe ! All for- 
 lake me ! 
 
 HASS. Yet more, my Lord ; he lias made his 
 prifoner the companion of his flight. 
 
 OSM. [Carting] How ? Kenric efcarjed ? 
 
 ALAR ic. 'Tis but too certain - 9 doubtlefs he has 
 fled to Percy. 
 
 OSM. To Percy ? Ha ! Then I muft be 
 fpeedy : my fate hangs on a thread ! Friends, 1 
 have ever found ye faithful ; mark me now ! 
 f opening the private door.~\ Of thefe two paflages, 
 the lett conducts to a long chain of dungeons : 
 In one of thefe my brother (till languimes. Oncd 
 already have you feen him bleeding beneath my 
 
 fvvord but he yet exifts. My fortune, my 
 
 love, nay my life, are at ftake ! Need I fay- 
 more ? [Each half-unfljeatbes his Jword.^ That 
 gefture fpcaks me underftood. On then before, 
 I follow yon. [The Africans pafs through the pri- 
 vate door : Ofmond is advancing towards //, wbtn 
 
 be
 
 85 T^E CASTLE SPECTtfE? 
 
 to fuddenly Jlarts &w&.]~Ha! Why roll thcfe 
 feas of blood before me ? Wlicfe mangled corfe- 
 do they bear to my feet ? . Fratricide ? Oh I 
 'tis a dreadful name ! Yet how preferve myfelf 
 and Reginald ? It cannot be ! VVe muft not 
 breathe the fame atmofphere. Fate, thy hand 
 
 urges me [ Fate, thy voice prompts me ! 
 
 Thou haft fpoken I obey. \He follow the, 
 
 Africans ; the door is clofed after him.] 
 
 SCENE III. A gloomy fubtcrraneous Dungeon, wide 
 and lofty : The upper fart of it baj in fever al 
 places fallen /, and left large tbafms. On one 
 Jide are various pa/ages leading to other Caverns : 
 On the ether is an Iron Door witbfteps leading to /'/, 
 and a Wicket in the middle. Reginald, pale and 
 emaciated^ in coarfe garments, his hair hanging 
 wildty abovt his facf, and a chain bound round bis 
 body, lies jleepinv up:n a bed ofjlraw. A lamp, 
 a fmall baftet, and a pitcher, are placed near him. 
 After a few moments he awakes, and extends bis 
 arms. 
 
 REG. My child ! My Evelina ! Oh ! fly me 
 not, lovely forms ! They are gone, and once more 
 I live to mifery. Thou wert kind to me* Sleep ! 
 Even now, methoughr, I fat in my Ca(Ue-hall : 
 A maid, lovely as the Queen of Fairies, hung 
 on my knee, and hailed me by that fweet name, 
 " Father !" Yes, I was happy ! Yet frown not 
 on me therefore, Darknefs I 1 am thine again, my 
 
 floomy bride ! Be not mcenicd, Defpair, that 
 left thec for a moment ; I have patted with 
 thee fixteen years I ^h ! bow many have 
 I ftill to pafs ? Yet fly not my bofoni quite, 
 fweet Hope! Still fpeak to me of liberty, of 
 light ! Whifper, that once more I (hall fee the 
 
 morn
 
 A 'D R A M A. 89 
 
 morn break that again (hall my fevered lips drink 
 the pure gale of evening ! God, thou knovv'ft 
 tlut 1 have borne my fuiferings meekly ; 1 have 
 wept for myfelf, but never curled my foes ; I have, 
 forrowed for thy anger, but never murmured at 
 thy will. Patient have I been Oh! then re- 
 ward me ! Let me once again prefs my daughter 
 in my arms! Let me, for one inftant, feel again 
 that I claip to my heart a being who loves me ! 
 Speed thou to heaven, prayer of a captive ![//<? 
 finks upon ajione, with bis hands clafped, and bis eyes 
 bent ftedfajlly upon the fame of the lamp.] 
 
 ANGELA and Father PHILIP are feen through the 
 cbifms above, J>ajjing along Jlowly. 
 
 AUG. Be cautions, Father ! Feel you not how 
 the ground trembles beneath us 1 
 
 F. PHIL. Perfectly well; and would give my 
 belt breviary to find myfelf once more on terra- 
 firma. . But the outlet cannot be far off : Let 
 us proceed. 
 
 ANG. Look down upon us, blefled Angels I- 
 Aid us ! Protect us ! 
 
 F. PHIL. Amen, fair daughter '.And now 
 away. [Exeunt. 
 
 REG. [after a paufi\ 'Tis that door which di- 
 vides me from happinels. How often againft that 
 door have I knelt and prayed, and ever knelt and 
 prayed in vain ! Fearful, left my complaints 
 ihould move him from his purpofe, my gaoler 
 liftens not, replies not: Haily through yon 
 wicket he gives my food, then flies as if this 
 dungeon held a ferpent. Oh ! then how my 
 heart fwells with bitternefs, when the found of 
 his retiring fteps is heard no more, when through 
 yon lofty cha(m I catch no longer the gleam of 
 his departing torch ! How waftes my lamp ? 
 N The
 
 9 o THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 The hour of Kentic's vifit mnft long be paft, and 
 ftill he comes not. How, if death's hand hath 
 flruck him fuddcnly r My exiftence unknown 
 Away from my fancy, dreadful idea ! [Rijing, 
 and taking the lamp~\ The breaking of my chain 
 permits me to wander at large through the \vide 
 precinds of my prifon. Haply the late ftorm, 
 whofe pealing thunders were heard e'en in this 
 abyfs, may have rent fome friendly chafm : 
 Haply fome nook yet unexplored Ah ! no, no, 
 no! My hopes are vain, my fearch will be 
 fruitlefs. Delpair in thefe dungeons reigns de- 
 ipotic ; file mocks my complaints, rejects my 
 prayers, and, when I fue for freedom, bids me 
 leek! it in my grave ! Death ! Oh ! Death ! 
 how welcome wilt thou be to me ! [Exit. 
 
 [The noije is heard cf an heavy bar falling-, the doer 
 opetis]. 
 
 Enter Father PHILIP end ANGELA. 
 F. PHIL. How's this ? A door? 
 ANG. It was barred on the outfide. 
 F. PHIL. That we'll forgive, as it wasn't bolted 
 on the in. But I don't recoiled Surely I've 
 
 J]Ot; 
 
 ANG. What's the matter ? 
 
 F.PHIL. By my faith, daughter, I fufpeft that 
 I've milled my way. 
 
 ANG. Heaven forbid ! 
 
 F. PHIL. Nay, if 'tis fo, I fha'n't be the firft man 
 who of two ways has preferred the wrong. 
 
 ANG. Provoking ! And did I not tell yen to 
 chufe the right-hand paflage ? 
 
 F. PHIL. Truly, did you; and that was the 
 very thing which made me chufe the left. When- 
 ever I'm in doubt myfelf, I generally afk a wo- 
 man's advice. When ihe's of one wav of thinking, 
 
 I've
 
 A D R A M A. ' 91 
 
 I've always found that reafon's on the other. In 
 this inftance, perhaps, I have been miftaken : But 
 wait here for one moment, and the fa& fhall be 
 afcertained. Bur, perhaps, you fear being alone 
 in the dark ? 
 
 ANG. 1 fear nothing, except Ofmond. 
 
 F. PHIL. Nay, I've no more inclination to fall 
 into his clutches again, than yourfclf. What would 
 be the confequence ? You would be married, I 
 mould be hung ! Now, daughter, you may think 
 that I've a very bad tafte; bur, as I'm a Chrittian, 
 I'd rather be married fifty years, than hung for one 
 little half-hour. [Exit. 
 
 ANG. How thick and infectious is the air of this 
 cavern ! Yet perhaps for lixteen years has my 
 poor father breathed none purer. Hark ! Steps 
 are quick advancing ! The Friar comes, but why 
 in fuch confufion ? 
 
 Re-enter Father PHILIP [running]. 
 
 F.PHIL. Help! Help! It follows me ! 
 
 ANG. [detaining bim~] What aJarms you ? Speak ! 
 
 F. PHIL. His ghoft ! his ghoft ! Let me go! 
 let me go ! let me go ! [Struggling to efcaps 
 fnm Angela, be falls, and extinguijbes the torch ; then 
 baftily rifes, and rujhes tip the Jiair-cafe, throwing the 
 door after h:m.~\ 
 
 ANG. [alone.'] Father ! Father ! Stay, for 
 heaven's fake ! He's gone, I cannot find the door ! 
 Hark ! 'Twas the clank of chains ! A light 
 too I It comes yet nearer ! Save me, ye powers! 
 What dreadful form ! 'Tishere ! I faint with 
 terror! [Sinks almo/l lifelefs again/I the dungeon's 
 fide.} 
 
 Re-enter REGINALD with a lamp. 
 
 REG. He is gone ! Emaciated and ftiff front 
 N 2 long
 
 92 THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 long difufe, fcarce can I draw my limbs along, 
 and I flrive in vain to overtake the fugitive. 
 
 AN'G. [recovering herfelf.] Still is it there, that 
 fearful vifion ! 
 
 REG. [placing his lamp upon a pile ofjlones.~] Why 
 did Kenric enter my prifon ? Haply, when he heard 
 not my groans at the dungeon door, he thought 
 that my woes were relieved by death. Oh ! when 
 will that thought be verified ? 
 
 ANG. How funk his eye ! How wildly hangs 
 his matted hair on his pale and furrowed brow !-r- 
 Oh ! thofe are the furrows of anguifh, not of age. 
 
 REG. I have oft wiped away tears, but never 
 caufed them ,to flow; oft have I lightened the 
 prifoner's chains, but never increafed their bur- 
 then : Yet 1 am doomed to chains and tears ! 
 
 ANG. Each found of his hollow plaintive voice 
 ftrikes to my heart. Dared I accoft him Yet 
 
 perhaps a maniac No matter; he fufTers, 
 
 and the accents of pity will flow fweetly in his 
 ears ! 
 
 REG. Thou art dead, and at reft, my wife ! 
 Safe in yon fkie?, no thought of me molcfls thy 
 quiet. Yet fure 1 wrong thee ! At the hour of 
 death thy fpirh lhall ftand befide me, (hall clofe 
 mine eyes gently, and murmur, " Die, Reginald, 
 and be at peace !" 
 
 ANG. Hark ! Heard I not Pardon, good 
 
 ft ranger 
 
 REG. \ftarting-wlldlyfrom his feat'] 'Tis fhe ! 
 She comes for me! 'is the hour at hand, fair 
 vifion ? Spirit of Evelina, lead on, I follow thee ! 
 [He extends Us- arms towards her, flagged. a few 
 paces f 01 wards, tbm finks entbaufted on the ground.} 
 
 ANG. He faints ! perhaps expires ! Still, 
 (till i See, he revives ! 
 
 REG.
 
 A D R A M A. 93 
 
 REG. Tis gone ! Once more the fport of my 
 bewildered brain [Jlartin* up] ' Powers of blifs ! 
 Look, where it moves again ! Oh ! fay, what 
 art thou ? If Evelina, fpeak, oh !. fpeak ! 
 
 ANG. Ha ! Named he not Evelina ? That 
 look ! This dungeon too ! The emotions which 
 his voice It is, it muft be ! Father ! Oh ! Fa- 
 ther ! Father ! [ falling up:n his bofom.~] 
 
 REG. Said you ? Meant you ? My daughter 
 mv infant, whom I left Oh ! yes, it muft be 
 true ! My heart, which fprings towards you, ac- 
 knowledges my child \ [embracing her.] 
 
 ANG. And is it thus I find you ? Burthened 
 with chains, no warmth, no air, no comfort ! 
 
 REG. Think of it no more, my deareft ! But 
 fay, ho\v gained you entrance? Has Ofmond 
 
 ANG. Oh ! that name recalls my terrors ! 
 Alas ! you fee in me a fugitive from his violence ! 
 Guided by a friendly Monk, whom your approach 
 has frightened from me, I was endeavouring to 
 efcape : We mifled our way, and chance guided 
 us to this dungeon. But this is not a time for 
 explanation. Anfwer me! Know you the. fub- 
 terraneous paffages belonging to this Caftle ? 
 
 REG. Whofe entrance is without the walls ? I 
 do. 
 
 ANG. Then we may yet be faved ! Father, we 
 muft fly this moment. Percy, the pride of our 
 Englilh youth, waits for me at the Conway's fide. 
 Come then, oh ! come ! Stay not one moment 
 longer. \_As Jhe approaches the door, lights appear 
 above.] 
 
 REG. Look ! look, my child \ The beams of 
 diftant torches flafli through the gloom ! 
 
 ANG. Ha! Yet, perhaps, aftiamed of his de- 
 fertion, 'tis but the Monk, who returns to feek me. 
 
 V REG.
 
 94 THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 REG. Grant, Heaven, that it may prove fo ! 
 
 OSM^ [above.~] Haflan, guard you the door. 
 Follow me, friends* [Tfa lights difappear.~\ 
 
 ANG. Ofmond's voice ? Undone ! Undone ! 
 Oh ! my father ! he comes to feek you, perhaps 
 to -Oh ! 'tis a word too dreadful for a daugh- 
 ter's lips ! 
 
 REG. If he feeks none but me, I am happy : 
 But fhould your fleps have been traced, my child 
 Hark ! they come ! The gloom of yonder ca- 
 vern may awhile conceal you: Fly to it : Hide 
 yourferf : Stir not, I charge you. 
 
 ANG. What, leave you ? Oh ! no, no ! 
 
 REG. Deareft, I entreat, I conjure you, fly! 
 Fear not for me ! Hark ! they are at the door ! 
 Speed to the cavern ! Speak not, move not j if 
 poffible, breathe not ! 
 
 ANG. Father ! Oh ! Father ! 
 
 REG. Farewel ! perhaps for ever ! \lle forces 
 Angela into ths cavern, then returns hajiily, and 
 throws bimjslf on tbs bed of Jlraw^\ Now then to 
 Jiear my doom ! 
 
 Enter OSMOND, followed by MULEY and ALARIC 
 with torches. 
 
 OSM. The door unbarred ? Softly, my fears 
 were falfe ! Lo ! where ftretched-on the ground, 
 ftraw his couch, a ftone his pillow, he taftes that 
 repofe which flies from my bed of down ! Wake, 
 Reginald, and arife ! 
 
 REG. You here, Ofmond : What brings you 
 to this fcene of forrow ? Alas ! hope flies while 1 
 gaze upon your frowning eye ! Have I read its 
 language aright, Ofmond ? 
 
 OSM. Aright, if you have read my hatred. 
 Reginald, I bring you tiuth IWhat other prefem 
 
 could
 
 A D R A M A. . 9$> 
 
 could yon expert from me ? Have you not been 
 ever a thorn in my path, a fpeck in my fight ? 
 Was not 4< Submit to your elder brother," the 
 galling leflbn for ever founded in my ears? And 
 when I praifed fome favourite fpot of thefe do- 
 mains, fome high-browed hill, or blooming valley, 
 was not my father's anfwer dill, " That will be 
 " your elder brother's r" Yes, the firft thought 
 which flruck my brain -was, " I am a younger 
 " fon !" The firft paffion which tortured my heart 
 was hate to him who made me one ! 
 
 REG. Have I deferved that hate ? You often 
 injured me, but as often I forgave. You were ever 
 my foe, but I never forgot you were my brother. 
 
 OSM. Hypocrite ! 
 
 REG. Was I one when my weapon ftruck the 
 fierce Scot to the ground, whole fword already 
 glittered above your head? Was I one when, as 
 embarraffed by your armour you fank beneath 
 die Severn's waves, I fprang into the flood, I feized, 
 I laved you ? Twice have I preferved your life ! 
 Oh ! let it not be for my own destruction ! -See, 
 my brother, the once proud Reginald lies at your 
 feet, for his pride has been humbled by fuffering ! 
 Hear him adjure you by her athes, within 
 whofe bofom w.e both have lain, not to (lain your 
 hands with the blood of your brother ! 
 
 OSM. [aftde.'] He melts me in my own defpite ! 
 
 REG. The fountains of my eyes have been long 
 dried up : I have no tears that can foften, no elo- 
 quence that can perfuade; but Heaven has light- 
 nings that can blaft ! Then fpare me, Ofmond ! 
 Kenric has fold me that my daughter Jives ! 
 Reftore me to her arms ; permit us in obfcurity 
 to pafs our days together ! Then m'all my laft figh 
 implore upon your head Heaven's forgivenefs, and 
 Evelina's. OSM.
 
 96 THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 OSM. Ic fhall be fo. Rife, Reginald, and hear 
 me ! You mentioned even now your daughter 
 Know, ihe is in my power ; know alfo, that 1 love 
 her! 
 
 REG. How ? 
 
 OSM. She rejecls my offers. Your authority- 
 can oblige her to accept them. Swear co ufe it, 
 and this mftant will I lead you to her arms. 
 
 REG. Olmond, (he is your niece ! 
 
 OSM. I have influence at Rome That obftacle 
 will be none to me. What is your anfwer r You 
 hefitate! Say, will you give the demanded oath ? 
 
 REG. I cannot difiemble, Olmond ; I never 
 will *. 
 
 OSM. How ? Refleft that your life 
 
 REG. Would be valueless, if purchafed by my 
 daughter's tears would be loathfome, if embit- 
 tered by my daughter's mifery. Ofmond, I will 
 not take the oath. 
 
 OSM. [almoftcboakedwitb$ajjion^\ 'Tis enough ! 
 [to the Africans.] You know your duty ! 
 Drag him to yonder cavern ! Let me not fee him 
 die! 
 
 REG. [holding by a fragment cf the wall, from 
 which the Africans Jtrive to force him.'] Brother, 
 ior pity's fake ! for your foul's happinefs ! 
 
 OSM. Obey me, flaves ! Away ! 
 
 ANGELA rujbes in wildly. 
 
 ANG. Hold off! Hurt him not ! He is my 
 father ! 
 
 OSM. Angela here ? 
 
 REG. Daughter, what means 
 
 * This is the third time that Ofmond has afked the fame 
 queflioa, and the poor man always receives the fame anfwer. 
 
 ANG.
 
 A DRAMA. $7- 
 
 [embracing him.~\* -You (hall live, Fa- 
 ther ! I will facrifice all to preferve you ! Here 
 is my hand, Ofmond! 'Tis yours; but fpare 
 my father ! 
 
 OSM. \tranfportfd.'] Lovely Angela ! 
 
 REG. How, ram girl I What would you do ? 
 
 OSM. Reginald, refled 
 
 REG. Your uncle! Your mother's murderer I 
 Remember > 
 
 ANO. Your life .is in danger ; I muft forget all 
 elfe. Ofmond, releafe my father, and (olemnly 
 I fwear 
 
 REG. Hold, girl, and firft hear me ! [kneeling.] 
 God of Nature, to Thee I call ! If e'er on Of- 
 mond's bofom a child of mine refts if e'er (he 
 calls him hulband who pierced her haplefs mo- 
 ther's heart, that moment (hall a wound, by my 
 own hand inflicted 
 
 ANG. Hold ! Oh ! hold ! End not your 
 oath ! 
 
 OSM. I burn with rage \ 
 
 &EG. Swear never to be Ofrnond's \ 
 
 A-NG. I fwear I- 
 REG. "Be repaid by this embrace ! 
 
 OSM. Beit your laft ! Tear them afunder ! 
 
 ANG. Away ! Away ! I will not leave him ! 
 
 OSM. Part them, I fay ! Ha ! What noife ? 
 
 Enter HASSAN bajtily. 
 
 HASS. My Lord, all is loft ! Percy has fur- 
 prifed the Caftle, and fpeeds this way ! 
 
 OSM. Confufion ! Then I muft be fudden,- 
 Aid rne, Haflan ! [HaflTan and Ofmond force An- 
 gel a from her Father, who fuddtnly difengages him- 
 jclffrcm Muley and Alaric.] 
 
 REG, Friends fo near ? Villains ! at kaft 
 O you
 
 $8 THE CASTLE SPECTRE: 
 
 you fhall buy my life dearly ! \_fudden j y feizing 
 HafTan V f&ord. 1 
 
 OSM. [employed with Haflan in retaining Angela, 
 
 while Reginald defends biwfelf again/I Muley and 
 
 Alaric,] Down with him ! Wreft the ivvord 
 
 from him ! [Alaric is woundid, and falls ; Muley 
 
 gives back; at the fame time Olmond j party ap- 
 
 ' pears above, pur fued by Percy V.] Hark [ They 
 
 come ! Dattardly villains! Nay then my own 
 
 y hand muft ['Drawing bis fword^ be rujhei upon 
 
 Reginald, who is difarmed> and beaten upon bis knees ; 
 when at the moment that Ofmond lifts kis arm tojlais 
 him, Evelina V Gboft tbrcws berf elf between them: 
 Ofmondyfor/j back> and drops his fword.~\ 
 OSM. Horror! What form is this ? 
 A KG. Die ! [Difengaging berfelffrcm HafTan, 
 Jhefprings fuddenly forwards, and plunges her dagger 
 in Olmond V bofom, who falls with a loud groan , and 
 faints* The Gboft vanijhes ; Angela and Reginald 
 rujh into each other's arms.'] 1^, 
 
 AKG. Father, thou art mine again ! 
 
 Enter PERCY, .MOTLEY, SAIB, HAROLD, &V. 
 purfu'mg OSMOND'J Party. \_AllJlcponfeeing him 
 bleeding upon the grcund.] 
 
 PERCY. Hold, my brave friends ! Sec where 
 Jies the object of our fearch ! 
 
 ANG. Percy ! Dear Percy ! 
 
 PERCY [$/ to &.-.] Dea reft Angela ! 
 
 ANG. My friend, my guardian angel ! Come, 
 Percy, come ! embrace my father ! Faiher, em- 
 brace the protestor of your child ! 
 
 PERCY. Do I then behold Earl Reginald ? 
 
 REG. [embracing &>#.] 1 he lame, brave Per- 
 cy! Welcome to my heart ! Live ever next it. 
 
 ANG. Oh moment that o'erpays my luffer- 
 4 ings !
 
 A D R A M A. 99 
 
 ings ! And yet Percy, that wretched man* 
 
 He perilhed by my hand ! 
 
 SAIB. Hark, he fighs ! There is life ftill in 
 him ! 
 
 ANG. Life ? Then fave him, fave him ! 
 Bear him to his chamber ! Look 10 his wound I- 
 Heal it, if poffible ! At lead gain him time tore- 
 pent his ( crimes and errors ! [Qfmond is con- 
 veyed away : Servants enter with torches, and the 
 Sta^c becomes tight.] 
 
 PERCY. Though ill-deferved by his guilt, 
 your generous piry flill is amiable. But fay, fair 
 Angela, what have I to hope ? Is my love ap- 
 proved by your noble father ? -Will he 
 
 REG. Percy, this is no time to talk of loye. 
 Let me haften to my expiring brother, and foften 
 with forgivenefs the pangs of death ! 
 
 PERCY. And can you forget your fufferings ? 
 
 REG. Ah ! youth, has he had none ? Oh ! in 
 his (lately chambers, far greater mufl have been his 
 pangs than mine in this gloomy dungeon ; for 
 what gave me comfort was his terror what gave 
 me hope was his defpair. I knew that I was guilt* 
 lefs knew that, though I fuffered in this world, 
 my lot would be happy in that to come ! 
 
 And, Oh them wretch ! whom hopelefs woes, opprefs, 
 
 Whofe day no joys, whofe night no flumbers blefs ! R 
 
 When pale Defpair alarms thy phrenfied eye,'. 
 
 Screams in thine ear, and bids thee Heaven deny, 
 
 Court thou Religion! Strive thy faith to fave ! 
 
 Bend thy fixed glance on blifs beyond the grave ! 
 
 Hum guilty murmurs ! Banifh dark miftruft ! 
 
 Think there's a Power above ! nor doubt that Power is juAl 
 
 F I N I S.
 
 TO THE READER. 
 
 MANY erroneous aflertions have been made refp<*ing thl 
 Drama j fome, that the" language was originally extremely 
 licentious 3 others, that the fentirrrents were violently demo- 
 cratic; and others again, that if Mr. Sheridan had not advifed 
 me to content myfelf with a fingle Speftre, I meant to have 
 exhibited a whole regiment of Ghofts. To difprove thefe re- 
 ports I have deviated from the ufual mode of publifhing Plays, 
 as performed, and have printed mine almoft verbatim, as 
 originally written. Whether it merited the above accufations, 
 the reader has hf>w had an opportunity of judging for himfelf. 
 I rauft juft mention that the lail line of the Piece is altered, 
 and that in the Second Scene of the Fifth A&, The Friar was 
 jnade to flick in the door-way, whereas he now makes hi* 
 exit without difficulty. 
 
 Other charges, however, have been brought againft me on 
 better grounds, and I muft requeft the reader's patience while 
 I fay a few words refpecYmg them. To originality of cha- 
 racter I make no pretence. PeVfecuted heroines and con- 
 fcience-ftung villains certainly have made their courtefies and 
 bows to a Britifti audience long before the appearance of " Tbe 
 Cajlle Speftre" the friar and Alice are copies, but very 
 faint ones, from Juliet's Xurfe, and Sheridan's FatJxr PjuJ, 
 and Percy is a mighty pretty-behaved young gentleman with 
 nearly no character at all. J lhall not fo readily give up my 
 claim to novelty, when I mention my mifanthropic A 
 He has been compared to Zanga ; but Young's Hero differ* 
 widely from what I meant in HaJ/an. Zangas hatred is con- 
 fined to one object j to deftroy the happinefs of that objeft is 
 
 his
 
 Ilia fole aim, and hie vengeance is no fooner accon>piiflied 
 than he repents its gratification, Hajfan is a man of violent 
 paffions, and warm' feelings, whofe bofom is filled with th 
 milk of human kindnefs, but that milk is foured by defpairj 
 whofe nature was fufceptible of the tendered affections, but 
 who feefs that all the chains of his affections are broken for, 
 ever. He has loft every thing, even hope ; he has no fmgle 
 objeft againft which he can direct his vengeance, and he di- 
 tt&ts it at large againft mankind. He hates all the world, 
 hates even himfelf ; far he feels that in that world' there is no 
 ne that loves him. 
 
 " Lorfque Ton peut fouffrir, furequefes douleurs 
 * IXaucun mortel ne font jamais couler les pleurs; 
 " On fe definterefle a la fin dc foi-meme; 
 " On Cefle de s'aimer, fi quelqu'un ne. nous aime I" 
 
 But though Haflan's heart is changed by difappointment 
 and misfortune, that heart once was feeling and kind ; nor 
 could he hate with fuch inveteracy, if he had not loved with 
 extreme affection. In my opinion this character is not 
 7,angas; but this I muft leave to the public decifion. I may, 
 however, boldly, and without vanity, afiert, that Motley is 
 quite new to the Stage. In other plays the Fool has always 
 been a fharp knave, quick in repartee, and full of whim, 
 fancy, and entertainment ; whereas my Fool (but I own I 
 did not mean to make him fo) i a dull, flat, good fort of 
 plain matter of faft fellow, as in the courfe of the per- 
 formance Mr. Bannifter diicovered to his great forrow. 
 
 That Ofmond is attended by negroes is an anachronifm, I 
 allow ; but from the great applaufe which Mr. Dowton con- 
 flantly received rn ifajj'an (a character which he played ex- 
 tremely well), I am inclined to think that the audience was 
 not greatly offended at the impropriety. For my own part, 
 \ by HO means repent the introduction of my Africans : I 
 
 thought
 
 ( 102 ) 
 
 {bought it would give a pleafing variety to the chafers an<! 
 dreffes, if I made my fervants black ; and could I have pro- 
 duced the fame effeft by making my heroine bine, blue I 
 fliould have made her. 
 
 In the Friar's defence K \vhen he mod ungallantly leaves A*~ 
 gela. in the cavern to fhift for herfelf, I can only plead the ne- 
 ceflity of the cafe. Stay where he was he could not j go he 
 muft at any rate : I trundled him off in the beft way that I 
 could ; and, for the fake of the public, I heartily wifli that 
 way had been better. With regard to his not meeting OJmond 
 in his flight, a little imagination will foon conquer that diffi- 
 culty : It may be fuppofed, that as he loft his way in coming, 
 he loft it again in going ; or, that he concealed himfelf till the 
 Earl had paffed him ; or, that he tumbled down and broke his 
 neck j or, that he .... did any thing elfe you like better. 
 1 leave this matter entirely to the reader's fancy. 
 
 Againft my Speflrc many objections have been urged : one 
 of them I think rather curious. She ought not to appear, 
 becaufe the belief in Ghofts no longer exifts ! In my opinion, 
 this is the very realbn why the may be produced without dan- 
 ger; for there is now no fear of increafing the influence of fu- 
 perftition, or ftrengthening the prejudices of the weak-minded. 
 1 confefi I cannot fee any reafon why Apparitions may not be 
 as well permitted to lialk in a tragedy, as Fairies be fufiered 
 to fly in a pantomime, or Heathen Gods and Goddeffes to cut 
 capers in a grand ballet ; and I fhould rather imagine that 
 Oberon and Baccbus now find as little credit to the full as the 
 Cock-lane Glo/, er the Speftre of Mrs. J\al. 
 
 Never was any poor foul fo ill-ufed as Evelinas, previous 
 to her prefenting herfelf before the audience. The Friends to 
 whom I read my Drama, the Managers to whom I prefented 
 it, the Aftors who were to perform in it all combined to per- 
 fccute my Spe^re, and requefted me to confine my Ghoft u 
 
 thr
 
 Ibe Green-Room. Aware that without her my cataftrophe 
 would clofely referable that of the Grecian Daughter, I per- 
 (ifted iu retaining her. The event juftified my obftinacy : Tie 
 Speftre was as well treated before the curtain as flie had been 
 ill-ufed behind itj and as (he continues to make her ap- 
 pearance nightly with increafed applaufe, I think myfelf un- 
 der great obligations both to her and her reprefentative. 
 
 But though I am confcious that it is very imperfect, I mall 
 not fo far offend my own feelings, or infult the judgment of 
 the public, which has given it a very favourable reception, as 
 to fay that I think my Play very bad. Had fuch been my 
 opinion, inftead of producing it on the ftage, or committing 
 it to the prefs, I mould have put it behind the fire, or, throwing 
 it into the Thames, made a prefent of it to the Fritifh Scombri. 
 Still its fuccefs on the ftage (great enough to content even an 
 author) does not prevent my being very doubtful as to its 
 reception in the clofet, when divelted of its beautiful mufic, 
 fplendid fcenery, and, above all, of the acting, excellent 
 throughout. Without detracting from the merits of the 
 other performers (to all of whom I think myfelf much in- 
 debted for their refpective exertions), I mult here be per- 
 mitted to return particular thanks to Mrs. Jordan, whofe 
 manner of lullaining her character exceeded my mod fan- 
 guine hopes, and in whofe hands my heroine acquired an im- 
 portance for which me was entirely indebted to the talents 
 of the aarefs. 
 
 M. G. LEWIS.
 
 /// a few Days withe publi/hed, 
 By JOSEPH BELL, No. 1 48,' Oxford Si rrer, 
 
 THE FOURTH EDITION, 
 
 IVltl) conjiderable Additions and Alterations, 
 OF 
 
 THE MONK, 
 
 A Romanes, ' 
 
 IN THREE VOLUMES. 
 
 ByM. G. LEWIS, Bfq. M. P. 
 
 AUTHOR OF THE CASTLE SPECTRE, ETC. 
 Price I OS. 6d. 
 
 Lately publifhed by J. BELL, No. 148, Oxford Street, 
 I. 
 
 A NEW EDITION OF 
 
 THE -MINISTER, 
 
 A Tragedy 9 
 
 TRANSLATED, FR.OM THE GERMAN OF SCHI.LL2K 
 
 ByM. G. LEWIS, Efq. 3VL P. 
 
 II. 
 A Hiftory of 
 
 INVENTIONS AND DISCOVERIES, 
 
 In TJjree Large Oflavo Volumes, 
 By JOHN BECKMAX, 
 
 Public Proftffor of Economy in the Univerfity ofGottingcrt. 
 
 TRANSLATED FROM THE GERMAN- 
 
 By WILLIAM JOHNSTON. 
 Price ll. is. in boards. 
 
 III. 
 
 THE ART OF PROLONGING LIFE, 
 
 By CHRISTOPHER HUFELAND, M. D. 
 
 Public LeElurer of Medicine at JOI.T* 
 
 TRANSLATED FROM THE GERMAN. 
 
 In Two Pelumfs. 
 
 Price ics. in boards.
 
 CURE f6r the HEART-ACHE ; 
 
 \ 
 
 A 
 
 COMEDY, 
 
 IN FIVE ACTS, 
 
 AS PERFORMED AT THE 
 
 THEATRE-ROYAL, COGENT-GARDEN. 
 
 By THOMAS MORTON, Efq. 
 
 AUTHOR OF COLUMBUS, ZORINSKI, WAY .TO GET 
 MARRIED, AND CHILDREN IN THE WOOD. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 PRINTED FOR T. N. LONGMAN, PATERNOSTER RU\ 
 1797- 
 
 [PRICE TWO SHILLINGS.]!
 
 PROLOGUE. 
 
 w, 
 
 WRITTEN BY T. W. FITZGERALD, ESQ. 
 
 SPOKEN BY MR, MACREADY. 
 
 HEN invalids poflefs both faith and wealth, 
 They'll find a noftrum to reftore their health j 
 A panacea advertis'd to cure 
 Each ill the human body can endure. 
 But our bold Author claims a nobler art, 
 And advertifes to relieve the heart. 
 So many patients he expects to fee, 
 That Pm appointed as his deputy. 
 Now, then, your mental maladies explain, 
 And I'll remove or mitigate the pain. 
 Does love or jealoufy your peace moleft, 
 Revenge inflame, ambition gnaw your bread ? 
 For jealoufy, a fovereign balm behold, 
 The hulband's certain cure, a pill of gold ; >: IL, 
 
 This dofe, adminifter'd with prudent care, 
 Difpels at once the frailties of the fair ; 
 Deprives the proftor of his crim.-con. fee, 
 And tunes the chord that jar'd to harmony. 
 Should love torment fome Romeo's heated brain, 
 Or agonize a Juliet's breaft with pain, 
 Let them my potent remedy apply, 
 The maid ftiall ceafe to pine, the youth to figh : 
 Gold (hall reftore each drooping lover's health, 
 And paflion find a fubflitute in wealth. 
 But let not ill-tim'd ridicule degrade 
 What Heav'n, when well applied, a blefling made. 
 To fofter merit, wherefoever found, 
 And with improvement cheer a country round j 
 To feed the hungry, and to clothe the poor. 
 And fend the beggar happy from the door ; 
 To mitigate the horrors of defpair, 
 And make the family of want our care ; 
 
 To
 
 iv PROLOGUE. 
 
 To fuccour gepius, drooping in diftrefs, 
 Making the bufinefs of our lives to blefs. 
 When the rich man can fuch employment find, 
 We wifli his purfe as ample as his mind. 
 For one poor patient I've an anxieua fear ; 
 And you muft be his kind phylicians here. 
 Our Author has to-night fo much at (take, 
 He finds his throbbing heart inclin'd to ache ! 
 But mould his Play a lib'ral audience pleafe, 
 Your warm applaufe will fet his heart at eafe. 
 
 DRAMATIS PERSONS 
 
 SIR HUBERT STANLEY - - - MR. MURRAT. 
 
 CHARLES STANLEY MR. POPJS. 
 
 VORTEX - MR. QUICK. 
 
 YOUNG RAPID MR. LEWIS. 
 
 OLD RAPID - - - - MR. MUNDEN. 
 
 FRANK OATLAND -, MR. FAWCETT. 
 
 FARMER OATLAND - - - - - MR. WADI>Y. 
 
 BRONZE ,...._. MR. FARLEY. 
 
 HEARTLEY MR. HULL. 
 
 FIRST WAITER - ^ MR. SIMMONDS. 
 
 SECOND WAITER . MR. STREET. 
 
 MR. VORTEX'S SERVANT MR. ABBOT. 
 
 SERVANT TO SIR HUBERT - - MR. BLURTON. 
 
 LANDLORD MR. THOMPSON. 
 
 HAIR-DRESSER MR. WILDS. 
 
 ?, LLB r MRS. POPE. 
 
 M IS s VORTEX , MRS. MATTOCK,*, 
 
 JESSY OATLAND - Miss WALLIS.
 
 i t . i; . i t 
 
 CURE for the HEART-ACHE. 
 
 ACT L 
 
 SCENE I. - A Farm Yard. Houje on om Side, 
 a neat Flower Garden on tbe other. The Bells 
 of a Team jingling* 
 
 FRANK (without). 
 
 WOYH! Whoh! Smiler. (Enters.) So 
 Feyther be not come home from the 
 Nabob's houfe yet. Eh ! bean't that fifter Jefly 
 in her garden, bufy among the pofeys ? Sifter 
 
 Enter JESSY from the Garden^ a watering fot in 
 her hand. 
 
 Jefjy. Ah, Frank, fo foon returned from Glou- 
 cefter ? have you fold the corn ? 
 
 Frank. Ees. 
 
 Jejy. And how did you like the town? you 
 were never there before ? 
 
 Frank. Loike it I doant know how I loik'd 
 
 it, not I ; I zomehow cou'dn't zee the town for 
 
 the houfen : defperate zight of 'em,' to be fure 
 
 B But,
 
 6 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 
 
 But, Jefiy, you who went to Lunnun Town to take 
 in your laming, can tell me, be there as many 
 houfes in Lunnun ? 
 
 JeJJy. A hundred times the number. 
 Frank. And do your 'fquires there, like Sir 
 Hubert Stanley and the Nabob here, keep fine 
 coaches ? 
 
 Je/y. Yes, Frank; there are fome thoufands 
 round St. James's Gate. . 
 
 Frank. St. James's Geat! Dong it; it wou'd 
 be worth a poor man's while to ftand and open 
 that geat Pray you, where do that geat lead 
 to ? - 
 
 Je/y. The road to preferment, Frank. 
 Frank. Ecod, if your road to preferment be 
 fo cramm'd wi' your coaches and great folk, 
 no wonder a poor man be run down when he tries 
 to get a bic. 
 
 Je/y. Ha! ha! 
 
 Frank* You feem to be in terrible good fpirits., 
 Jeflfy. 
 
 Je/y. I have reafon, Frank. I have juft received 
 a letter from my dear Edward, who has left Lon- 
 don on bufmefs with his father, Mr. Rapid, and 
 will be here to-day. 
 
 Frank. I fuppofe it be a defperate long letter, 
 and cruel fweet. Full of kifies and voluntkies. 
 Nine fheets, I warrant. 
 
 Je/y. Hardly nine words. The truth is, that 
 Edward, tho' handfome, generous, and I hope 
 fmcere, is impatient, and hafty to a degree, that 
 Frank. Hally ! What then ? When a man be 
 on the road to do good, he can't go too fad, I fay. 
 Bean't'that Feyther coming thro' Wheat Afh ? 
 He have been drinking and gameftring all good 
 Sunday night wi' Nabob's farvams, how whicifh 
 
 and
 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART- ACME. ? 
 
 &nd deadly bad he do look. He us'd to be as 
 comely and handfome as either of us, wasn't he 
 now ? Do you know, Jefly, at church yefterday, 
 Sir Hubert looking round, as he always do, to fee 
 if his tenants be there, mifs'd Feyther, and gave 
 ifle fuch a defperate look, that I dropt prayer 
 book out of my handj and truly, when Feyther do 
 go to church, I be always fham'd, he never knows 
 where to find the colled never-*-l'm fure it be not 
 my fault, he be fo full of prodigality never fon fet 
 Feyther better example than I do's mine j what can 
 I do more for 'un ? it wou'dn't be becoming in 
 me to leather Feyther, would it, Jefly ? 
 
 Jefly. Here he comes I'll return to my gar- 
 den to converfe with him is to me dreadful j for 
 while my bread rifes with indignation at his con- 
 duct as a man> it finks again in pity for the mif- 
 fortunes of a parent. 
 
 Frank. Now, that's juft like I I feels as if I 
 fhou'd like to lick 'un, and cry all the time but 
 what will be the end on't, Jefly ? 
 
 Jeffy. Ruin, inevitable ruin (defpondingly). 
 
 Frank. Well, cjon't thee be caft down thee 
 knows I be cruel kind to thee; at meals, I always 
 gis thee the defperate nice bits, and if thy lover 
 prove falfe hearted, or Feyther fhou'd come to 
 decay, I be a terrible ftrong lad, I'll work for thee 
 fra fun-rife to down, and if any one offer to harm 
 thee, I'll fight for thee till I die. 
 
 Jeffy. Thanks, my good lad ; thanks, dear bro- 
 ther. [Kijfes MM* an d **** 
 
 Frank. As nice a bit of a filter that, as in all 
 country round. 
 
 Enter Farmer OATLAND drefed in a compound of 
 r-ujiicity andfajhiqn. 
 
 Oat. (fmging.) Ba viamo tutti tra. Dom ic, 
 B 2 this
 
 8 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHZ. 
 
 this be what I call loife! Have you fold the 
 wheat ? 
 
 Frank. Ees. 
 Oat. How much ? 
 
 Frank. Two load. Six and twenty pound. 
 Oat. (yawning}. Exadly the trifle I loft laft 
 night. 
 
 Frank. What ? 
 
 Oat. Take it to the Nabob's gentleman. 
 Frank. I were going, Feyther, to the caftle, to 
 ge it to Sir Hubert's fteward for rent. 
 
 Oat. Rent, you bore! That for Sir Hubert 
 (/napping his .fingers}. Ah !. Nabob's farvants be 
 the tippy Every thing be done by them ib gen- 
 teelly;. 
 
 Frank. Ecod, you be done by them genteelly 
 enough ; I be fure that houfe have brought the 
 country round to ruination. Before this Nabob 
 come here wi' all his money, and be domn'd to 'un, 
 every thing were as peaceable and deceant as never 
 \vasj not a lawyer within ten miles; now there be 
 three practizing in village; and what's ameaft as 
 bad, there be three doctors; and the farmers fo 
 coniated, drive about in their chay carts, eat lump 
 fugar ev'ry day, and gi' balls. 
 Oat. To bt fure. 
 
 Frank.. And what's the upihot? why that they 
 jig it away to county jail. 
 
 Oat. Tezez vpas ! Let me fee Great caflino 
 be ten o diamonds. Well, then, I play 
 
 Frank. Play I ecod, if you go on fo, you mun 
 work tho'. 
 
 Oat. Next I mun take care of the fpeads. 
 ^ Frank. No, Feyther, a fpade mun take care 
 o* you-; by got, here be Mr .Heartley, Sir Hubert's 
 ftewardi now doan'tyou be faucy to 'un, Fey then 
 
 now
 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 9 
 
 now do behave thyzelf now that's a man, Fey- 
 ther, do. [Clapping him on tie back. 
 
 Enter HEARTLEY. 
 
 Heart* Good day, 'Farmer Oactandj how doft do, 
 
 honeft Frank ? 
 
 Frank. Defperate pure, thank ye, fur." 
 
 Heart. Well, farmer, once more 1 have call'd 
 refpeding your arrear of rent Three hundred 
 pound is a long fum. 
 
 Frank. Three hundred pound ! 
 
 Heart. And unkfs it be immediately difcharg'd, 
 Sir Hubert is refolv'd to 
 
 Oat. That for Sir HubertHe fhall have his 
 rent Fnnk, fend your fitter jeffy to the Nabob's, 
 he'll let me have the money. 
 
 Frank. No ! I won't What buftnefs have 
 lifter at fuch a defperate prodigal place ! Na, na, 
 I'll go myzelf. 
 
 Heart. You are in the right, honeft Frank. 
 
 Frank. Yes, fur, I always am. 
 
 Oat. Ugh ! you vulgar mungrel Well, defire 
 the Nabob's gentleman to defire the Nabob to let 
 me have three hundred pounds. 
 
 Frank, He won't gi' thee a brafs farthing. 
 
 Oat. Sir Hubert lhall have his money Ha ! 
 ha ! ha ! my notion is ? he wants ic fad enough, 
 ha! ha! 
 
 Heart. Sirrah ! 
 
 Frank. Don't you mind 'un, fur, don't ye, he 
 be's intofticated. Dong thee, bcheavc thyfelf 
 (withjorrow and vexation). 
 
 Oaf. Silence, you hound! and obey ! Bon jour, 
 
 Mr. Steward I'll to bed-^'Pon honour, 1 muff cut 
 
 Champaigne, it makes me fo narvous Sir Hubert 
 
 B 3 fhall
 
 JO' 1 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 
 
 fhall have his money, let that fatisfy Follow me, 
 
 cur. [Exit info the houfe. 
 
 Heart. Sad doings, Frank. [Exit. 
 
 [FRANK Jhakes his head and follows OATLAND. 
 
 SCENE 11.^ Room in the Nabob's Houfe. 
 Enter ELLEN VORTEX meeting BRONZE. 
 
 Ellen. Good Mr. Bronze, have you been at Sir 
 Hubert Stanley's? 
 
 Bronze. Yes, ma'am. .g^ft 
 
 Ellen. Is Charles Stanley arrived? 
 
 Bronze. No, ma'am j but he is hourly ex- 
 pefted. 
 
 Ellen. Do they fay he is well quite recover'd ? 
 
 Bronze. I don't know, ma'am, upon my 
 foul. I beg pardon, but really the Baronet's houfe 
 is horrid vu)gar s compar'd to your uncle's, the 
 Nabob's here i I peep'd thro* my glafs into an old 
 hall, and beheld fifty paupers at dinner, fuch. 
 wretches, and the Baronet himfelf walking round 
 the table to fee them properly fed. How damn'd 
 low! -Ugh! I wou'd bet a rump and dozen our 
 fecond table is more genteelerer than Sir Hubert's 
 own But I muft away, for we expect the rich 
 Mifs Vortex I beg pardon ; but your name and 
 the Nabob's daughter being the fame, we call her 
 ;he rich, to diftinguifh 
 
 Ellen. And you do wifely No term of diftinc- 
 tion could poffibly be more fignificant, or better 
 underftopd by the world than that you have adopt- 
 ed. 
 
 Bronze. Hope no offence, ma'am. 
 
 {Lllen. None, Bronze, go in 
 
 Bronze. The laft man on earth to offend a fine 
 
 Woman. [Exit. 
 
 i : : '.it' ' Ellen*
 
 ; 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 
 
 Ellen* The rich Mifs Vortex moft true. But 
 now my dear Charles Stanley is returned, I claim 
 the fuperior title of the happy. Oh ! Charles, 
 when we parted lad at Spa; how great the con - 
 traft; thy animated form was prifon'd in the icy 
 fetters of difeale, thy pale and quiv.'ring lip refus'd 
 a laft adieu ; but ah ! a fmiie, that feem'd bor- 
 row'd from a feraph, who waited to bear thee up to 
 Heaven, fwore for thee everlafting Jove. That 
 fmiie fupported me in folkude, but to folitude I 
 have now bade adieu; and to be near the lord of 
 my heart, have again enter'd this houfe, the palace 
 of ruinous luxury and licentious madnefs: but here 
 comes its whimfical proprietor. ^j t 
 
 Enter Mr. VORTEX:, '.with a paper in his. hand, 
 attended by black and white Servants. 
 
 Vortex. Sublime ! Oh the fame of this fpeech 
 will fpread to Indoftan. Eh ! don't I fmell the 4 
 pure air in this room? Oh ! you villains, would 
 you deftroy me, throw about the perfumes; For 
 legiflative profundity, for fancy and decoration 
 'tis a fpeech 
 
 Ellen. What fpeech is it, : fir ? 
 
 Vortex. Ah! Ellen, why my maiden fpeech in 
 Parliament. It will alarm all Europe ; I'll fpeak 
 it to you 
 
 Ellen. No, my dear uncle, notjuft now. I hear 
 you've been ill. 
 
 Port ex. Oh! very. A ftrange agitational my 
 heart, and fuch a whizzing and fpinning in my 
 head 
 
 Ellen. I hope you've had advice ? 
 
 Vortex. Oh, yes, I've had them all. One phyfi- 
 told me it was caufed by too brilliant anii 
 B 4 effer-
 
 12 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 
 
 "Z*^ .'. ' . "J " ^ ?." t'& " 
 
 effervefcent a genius; the next faid, it was the 
 fcurvy; a third, ic proceeded from not eating 
 pepper to a melon ; another had the impudence 
 to hint it was only little qualms that agitated fomc 
 gentlemen who had made fortunes in India; one 
 recommended a fea voyage, another a flannel 
 night- cap ; one prefcrib'd water, the other 
 brandy; but, however, they all agreed in this ef- 
 fential point, that I'm not to be contradicted, but 
 have my way in every thing. 
 
 Ellen. An extremely pleafant prefcription, cer- 
 tainly. But under thefe circumftances do you 
 hold it prudent, uncle, to become a parliamentary 
 Orator? I believe a little gentle contradiction is 
 ufual in that Houfe. 
 
 Vortex. I know it but if you will hear my fpeech, 
 you will fee how I manage I begin S'r 
 
 Enter Servant, 
 
 Serv. Your daughter, fir, is arrived from 
 Town. 
 
 Ellen. Thank you, coufin, for this relief. 
 
 Vortex. Zounds! I'm not to be interrupted. 
 Serv. She is here, fir. 
 
 Enter Mtfs VORTEX. 
 
 Mifc Vor. My dear Nabob, uncommon glad to 
 fee you. Ah! Ellen; what, tired of fcclufion and 
 a cottage ? 
 
 Ellen. I hope, coufin, I am welcome to you. 
 
 Mifs Vor. Certainly; you know we are uncom- 
 mon glad to fee .any body in the country but, my 
 dear Nabob, you don't inquire about the opening 
 of our town-houfe. 
 
 Nabob*
 
 v A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. I 
 
 Nabob. I was thinking of my fpeech. 
 
 Mifs For. The mod brilliant houfe-warming . 
 uncommon full, above a thoufand people every 
 body there. 
 
 Ellen. Pray, coufm, do you then vifit every 
 body ? 
 
 Mifs Vvr. Certainly, they muft afk me. 
 
 Ellen. Muft ! I (hould imagine that wou'd de- 
 pend on inclination. 
 
 Mifs Vor. Inclination ! Pihaw ! I beg your 
 pardon, but you are really uncommon ignorant, 
 my dear. They muft aik me, I tell you. Now 
 fuppofe a Duchefs rafh enough to Ihuc me from 
 her parties; very well. She names a night I 
 name the lame, and give an entertainment greatly 
 furpafilng her's in fplendourandprofufion. Whatis 
 the confeqnence ? why, that her rooms are as de- 
 ferted as an Ex-minifter's levee, and mine cramm'd 
 to fuffocation with her Grace's moft puififant and 
 noble friends. Ha ! ha ! my dear Ellen, the 
 Court of St. James's run after a good fupper as 
 eagerly as the Court of Aldermen. Ha ! ha ! 
 your being in this country, Nabob, was thought 
 quite charming. A hoft not being at home to 
 receive his guelts is uncommon new and elegant, 
 isn't it. Here we improve, my dear, on ancient 
 hofpitality thole little memorandums, Nabob, will 
 give you an idea of the fort of thing. 
 
 Vort. (Reads.) " March." Oh ! that's a de- 
 lightful month, when Nature produces nothing, 
 and every thing is forc'd. Let me fee" 50 
 quarts of green peas at five guineas a quart," 
 that was pretty well: "500 peaches" at what? ' 
 " a guinea each." Oh 1 too cheap. 
 
 Mifs. Vor. 'Tis very true j but I affuce you I 
 tried every where to get them dearer, but cou'd not. 
 
 Port.
 
 14 A CURE FOR Till HEART-ACHEV 
 
 Vort. And I fuppofe the new white latin furni- 
 ture was all fpoil'd. 
 
 Mifs For. Oh ! entirely and the pier glalks 
 fhivered to pieces fo delightfully. 
 
 Vor. Well, I hope you had the whole account 
 put in the papers ? 
 
 Mijs Vcr> Certainly, elfe what would have been 
 the ufe of giving the fete. Then the company ; 
 fuch charming eccentricity, fuch characters out of 
 character. We had a noble Peer bowing for cuf- 
 com to his fhop, and an Alderman turning over 
 the mufic leaves for the celebrated Soprano; 
 an Orator's Hdy detailing her hufband's three 
 hours fpeech in Parliament, and the Orator him- 
 felf defcribing how puppets are managed at the 
 Fantoccini; we had grandmothers making afflgna- 
 tions with boys, and the children of Ifrael joining 
 the hoft of Pharoah. Oh ! my dear Mifs Vor- 
 tex, why don't you partake in thefe charming 
 fcenes ? 
 
 Ellen. My dear Mifs Vortex, fix fuppers would 
 annihilate my fortune. 
 
 Mifs Vtr. Oh ! true ; I forgot your uncommon 
 fanall fortune : but I don't think it much fignirles. 
 I fwear people of fafhion in town feem to do as 
 well without money as with it. You might be 
 fuccefsful at play there are points to be learnt 
 which certainly do not give you the worft of the 
 game. Come, will you be my protege ? 
 
 Ellen. Excufe me, coufin. 1 dare fay I ought 
 to be cover'd with blufties when I own a vulgar 
 deteftation of the character of a female gamefter ; 
 and I muft decline the honour of your introduction 
 to the haut ton, till at lead they have juftice on 
 their fide. 
 
 Mifs For. An uncommon odd girl, Nabob. 
 
 EJfa,
 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 15 
 
 Ellen. Heavens ! to what ftate of abjecl: degrada, 
 tion muft fafhionable fociety be reduced, when offi- 
 cers of police are as much dreaded by ladies in the 
 purlieus of St. James's, as they are by cut-purfes in 
 the wretched haunts of St. Giles's. 
 
 Mifs For. For lhame, Eilen, to cenfure your 
 own fex. 
 
 Ellen. No, Madam, I am it's advocate ; and in. 
 that fex's name proteft an abhorrence of thofe wo- 
 men who do not confider any thing fhameful but 
 to be afhamed of any thing ; whofe refemblance to 
 nature and innocence exifts but in their nakednefs, 
 and to whom honour is only known as a pledge at 
 a gaming table. [Exit. 
 
 Mifs Vor. Did you ever hear, Nabob ? 
 
 Vortex. I did not hear a word Ihe faid -, I was 
 thinking of my fpeech. 
 
 Mifs Vor. A pert, Gothic, low-bred creature! 
 But her contemptible fortune iuits uncommon well 
 with her grovelling ideas. 
 
 Vortex. Don't you talk of her fortune, it always 
 makes my poor head worfe. You know at the 
 time I gave her five thoufand pounds in lieu 
 of what I call'd her expectations, I had in my 
 hands an enormous fum of her's. O dear! I'm 
 Afraid the doftor was right ah! mine are cer- 
 tainly Eaft India qualms I wonder if giving her 
 fifty thoufand back again wou'd do my heart any 
 good. 
 
 Mifs Vor. What! my dear Nabob ? I declare 
 you quite ihock me. 
 
 Vortex. Oh confcience! 
 
 Mifs Vor. Confcience ! he ! he ! a thing fo un- 
 common vulgar, a thing fo completely chaufleed ; 
 befides, you know very well it is abfolutely impof- 
 Jible to exift under 20, coo/, a- year. 
 
 Vortex.
 
 l6 A CURE FOR THE HIART ACHE. 
 
 Vortex. That's very true. 
 
 Jvlifo Vor. Some people certainly do contrive to 
 grub on with ten thoufand, but how they do it is 
 to me miraculous; then think of your intention of 
 marrying me to the Ton of your great rival the 
 Baronet j think of his borough. 
 
 Vertex. Ah ! very true. Confcience avaunt ; 
 I have made a motion on matrimony to Sir Hu- 
 bert. 
 
 Afifs Vor. And young Stanley's arrival; Oh! 
 what a fweet youth ! 
 
 Vortex. Oh! what a fweet borough intereft ! But 
 I'm glad your heart is interefted. 
 
 Mtfs Vor. Heart interefted ! Lud, how can you 
 fufpecl: me of fo uncommon vulgar a fcnfation. I 
 truil my joy is occafion'd by ideas more becoming 
 a woman of falhion. I am charm'd becaufe his 
 fortune is large, his family ancient ; and becaufe 
 my marriage will render all my female friends 
 fo uncommon miferable ; and becaufe I fufpet 
 that Elkn met young Stanley at Spa, and that (he 
 iiar.es afpire to 
 
 -isx.. I wifti (he were out of the houfe. 
 
 Mifs Vor. No (he (hall day to witnefs my 
 triumph. 
 
 Vortex. Shall (lay .I'm not to be contradicted, 
 you know my phyficians 
 
 Mifs Vor. Certainly not, my dear Nabob ; but 
 I may recommend ; I'm fure no phyfician would 
 object to your taking advice. Ah' 1 , does Ellen 
 love you as 1 do? will (he liften to your fpeech as 
 1 intend to do ? would (he throw away thoufacds 
 for you in a night, as I da? 
 
 Vortex. Very true ! very true ! [Exeunt. 
 
 i<> SCENE
 
 A CURE FOU THE HEAftT-ACttE/ 17 
 
 SCENE lll;A.Pleafure Ground, and View of 
 an ancient Caftle. 
 
 Enter four Servants drejsd in old-fajhion'd liveries, 
 then Sir HUBERT STANLEY and HEARTLEY. 
 
 Sir Huh. Good Heartley, is all prepar'd for my 
 boy's reception, his favourite ftudy on the fouthern 
 battlement? Are his dogs train'd his hunters 
 well condition'd ? 
 
 Heart. To fay truth, Sir Hubert, the caftle 
 has been all day in quarrel, each fervant claiming 
 the right of exclufive attendance on his dear young 
 mafter. 
 
 Sir Hub, I thank their honeft loves. He writes 
 me he is well, good Heartley; quite well. Ha! 
 the village belis proclaim my boy's arrival. Doft 
 thou hear the people's (bouts ? 
 
 Heart. Aye, and it revives my old heart. 
 
 Sir Hub. Thefe welcomes are the genuirte effu- 
 fions of love and gratitude Spite of this Nabob's 
 arts, you fee how my loving neighbours refpeft 
 me. 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Where is my boy ? 
 
 Serv. Not yet arriv'd, fir. 
 
 Sir Hub. No ! 
 
 Seru. Thtfe rejoicings are for the Nabob's, 
 daughter, who is juft come from London. 
 
 Sir Hub. Indeed! (peevijhly) Well, well. 
 
 Scrv. My young mafter will alight privately at 
 Oatland's farm, and walk through the park. [Exit. 
 
 Sir Hub. The Nabob's daughter '.Well, let it 
 pafs. Heartley, what faid farmer Oatland ? 
 
 Heart.
 
 |8 A CURE FOS. THE HEART-ACHE* 
 
 Heart. Nothing but what profligacy and info- 
 lence dilated -he defied your power, and fent to 
 the Nabob. 
 
 Sir Hub. Ungrateful man ! let a diftrefs be 
 iilued. Hold ; no, no, 
 
 Heart. Indeed, Sir Hubert, he is imdeferving 
 your lenity. Befides, fir, your mortgagee, Mr. 
 Rapid, the wealthy taylor, will be here to-day 
 the intereft on the mortgage muft be paid fome 
 of your election bills remain unliquidated, and I 
 fear without a further mortgage 
 
 Sir Hub. Don't torture. Pardon me, good old 
 man. 
 
 Heart. Truly, Sir Hubert, what might have 
 been effected with fooo/. fome years ago, will now 
 require ten ryou muft retrench your hofpitable 
 benevolence. 
 
 Sir Hub. My worthy fleward, my head has long 
 acknowledg'd the truth of your arithmetic but 
 my head could never teach it to my heart. 
 
 Heart. And, fir, you may raife your rents. 
 
 Sir Hub. Never, Hear tley never. What! fhall 
 the many fuffer that I may be at eafe ! But 
 away with care this is a moment devoted to ex- 
 tafy this is the hour a doating father is to clafp 
 an only child, who, after combating with difeafe 
 and death, returns triumphant to his arms in lufty 
 health and manhood. Ah ! he approaches j 'tis 
 my boy Doft thou not fee. him in the beechen 
 avenue. Dull old man, advance thine hand thus 
 (putting bis band over bis forehead). See how 
 his eyes wander with delight, and renovate the pic- 
 tures of his youth. Ah ! now he fees his father, 
 and flies like lightning. 
 
 Enter
 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. ] 
 
 Enter CHARLES STANLEY (kneels). 
 
 Charles. My honour'd my lov'd father ! 
 
 Sir Hub. Rife to my heart. Stand off, and lee 
 my eyes gloat upon thee thou art well. Thy 
 arm, good Heartley. Nay, do not weep, old Ho- 
 nefty, 'twill infect me. 
 
 Charles. Ah ! my excellent old friend in health 
 I hope ? 
 
 Heart. Aye, good matter, and this day will 
 make me young again. 
 
 Charles. Dear father, already muft I become a 
 fuitor to you. Pafling Oatland's farm, I found 
 his lovely daughter Jeffy in tears, occafion'd by 
 her father's inability to pay his rent. I dried them 
 with a promife ( Heartley Jhakes his head, and Sir 
 Hubert averts bis face). Ha ! your brow is 
 clouded with unhappinefs ; pray, fir 
 
 Sir Hub. Good Heartley, leave us (Exeunt 
 HEARTLEY ,nd Servants). Charles, Co mix'd is 
 the cup of life, that this day, the happieft thy old 
 father can e'er hope to fee, is dafh'd with bitter- 
 nefs and forrow, boy. I've been a very unthrift 
 to thee. 
 . Charles. Oh, fir ! 
 
 Sir Hub. Liften to me. You have heard how 
 my father kept alive the benevolent hofpitality that 
 once diftinguifh'd old England, and I not finding 
 in modern ethics aught likely to improve either 
 the morals or happinefs of mankind, determin'd 
 to perfevere in the ways of my fathers. Soon 
 after you went abroad the adjoining eftate was 
 purchas'd by an Eaft Indian, groaning under 
 wealth produc'd by groans. Like the viper, after 
 collecting in the warm funfhine his bag of venom, 
 he came to the abode of peace and innocence, 
 
 and
 
 20 A CURfi FOR THE HEART- ACtt. 
 
 and difleminated his poifon But mark me think 
 me not fo unjufl, boy, as with random (lander to 
 cenfure any body of men. No, thank heaven j 
 there are numbers whom Providence, in addition 
 to the power, has added the will, to render wealth 
 a blefling to all around them. 
 
 Charles. You are ever juft and liberal. 
 
 Sir Hub. But for this vile exception, this Mr. 
 Vortex, I tell thee, riot, contention, indolence, and 
 vice fucceeded. I ftruggled againft this mifchief, 
 which fpurr'd him on to oppofe me in my election. 
 This conteft (I truft, Charles, you think the dig- 
 nity of our family demanded it) this conteft, I 
 fay, oblig'd me to mortgage my eftate to a confi- 
 derable amount; and 1 fear, boy, even that will 
 not fuffice. Doft thou not blame thy father ? 
 
 Charles, Blame, fir ? my fortune, nay, my life 
 is held but to promote your happinefs. 
 1 Sir Hub. Glorious boy ! then all will be well 
 again thy eftate reftor'd, thy wealth enlarg'd. 
 
 Charles. How ? 
 
 Sir Hub. By marriage, Charles. (Charles averts 
 his face with- deject on.) 
 
 Charles. Marriage, fir ! To conceal the pafiion 
 that triumphs here were but to deceive a father, 
 and injure the bright excellence I love. When I 
 was ill at Spa, the votaries of pleafure avoided me 
 as the harbinger of melancholy, and I was defpis'd 
 as a thing pafling into oblivion by all but one fair 
 creature. I obtafr/d an opportunity to thank her 
 for the charitable pity her eye had beam'd on me. 
 Love foon kindled his torch at Pity's altar, for I 
 found in Mifs Vortex fuch excellence 
 
 Sir Hub. Who? 
 
 Charles. Mifs Vortex, fir. 
 
 Sir Hub. From India ? 
 
 Charles.
 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACH8. 4* 
 
 . Charles. The fame. 
 
 Sir Hub. She that is now pro ; os*d for your late' 
 liance. 
 
 Is it poffible ? 
 
 And 'awaits your fcf rival in the neigh r 
 bourhood. wroii 
 
 Gtor/tt. Oh! let me hafte id- her. TetJfoki! 
 Frank Oatland attends to hear your determination. 
 ' Sir Hub. At prefent, Charles, I cannot grant 
 your fuit. (CHARLES beckons in FRANK.) 
 Young man, tell your Father the law muft take 
 its courfe. When I fee in him fymptoms of con- 
 trition and amendment, I may reftore him. 
 
 Frank. Thank ye> thank ye, fur. 
 
 Charles. How came this diftrefs to fall on him ? 
 
 Frank. Why, fuf, he went on farmering pretty 
 tightifh, didn't he, fur ? till he keep't company wi' 
 Nabob's, farvants $ then, all of a fudden, he took to 
 the gentleman line. I conceats, fur, he did'nt 
 much underitand the trim on't, for the gentleman 
 line didn't anfwer at all. 1 hope your honour 
 bean't angry wi' I for fpeaking to young 'Squire ; 
 your worfliip do know I were a bit of a playfellow 
 wi* un, and we followed our ftudies together. 
 
 Sir Hubert. Indeed ! 
 
 Frank. Ees, fur, we went through our letters 
 and a-b ab e-b eb there fomehow I ftuck, 
 and 'Squire went clean away into abreivation and 
 abomination ; and then I never cou'd take much 
 to your pens, they be fo cruel fmall ; now a pitch- 
 fork do fit my hand fo defperate kindly as never 
 was. 
 
 Sir Hub. Ha ! ha ! Come my boy, you'll want 
 refrclhment. \Exit. FRANK bows t and is going. 
 
 C Charles.
 
 22 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 
 
 Charles. What, honeft Frank, will you not 
 walk with me to the caftle ? 
 
 Frank. If your honour be fo gracious. 
 
 Charles. Nay, wear your hat. 
 
 Frank. O dear! O dear! what a pity nobody 
 do fee I. 
 
 Charles. Come, brother ftudent, your hand. 
 
 Frank. My hand! Lord dong it, only think 
 o* I. [Exeunt hand in band. 
 
 END OF THE FIRST ACT. 

 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART- ACHE. 2J 
 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 .ai9? 
 
 ==.:"i3?a .-'_ 
 
 SCENE l.-vf /e^w in an Inn. 
 
 Enter two Waiters with luggage, meeting BRONZE. 
 
 ift Walter. Coming, fir ! . ! A V 
 
 T. Rap. (without.) Zounda, why don't you 
 come ? Why don't all of you come, eh ?.,?.> .O 
 
 Bronze. Waiter, who are thefc people ? . 
 
 ifi Waiter. I don't know, Mr. Bronze. The 
 young one feems a queer one hejum^p'd out of 
 the mail, ran into the kitchen, whipp'd the tur,n- 
 fpit intp a gallop, and bade him keep moving; 
 and tho' not a minute in the houfe, he had been 
 in every room, from the garret to the cellar. 
 
 id Waiter. Father and fon, I underftand. The 
 name on the luggage, I fee, is Rapid. 
 
 Bronze. Rapid ! (afide). Perhaps it is my old 
 mailer the great taylor, and his harum-fcarum fon 
 I'llobferve. 
 
 ifl Waiter. Here he comes full dafh, and the 
 old man trotting after him like a terrier. [Exeunt. 
 
 Enter Old andToung RAPID. 
 
 T. Rap. Come along, dad pufh on, my dear 
 dad. Well, here we are keep movi&g. 
 
 O. Rap. Moving ! Zounds, haven't I been mo- 
 ving all night in the mail-coach, to pleafe you ? 
 
 T. Rap. Mail ! famous thing, isn't it ? Je up ! 
 whip over counties in a hop, ftep, and jump dafti 
 along. 
 
 O. R/ip. Od rot fuch hurry-fcurry doings, I faf, 
 
 Here have J ground my old bones all night in the 
 
 C 2 mail,
 
 24 ArfWI* *OR THjJ fIBARTrACltt. 
 
 marl, to be eight hours before my appointment 
 with Sir Hubert Stanley 3 and now I muft fit biting 
 my fingers. 
 
 T. Rap. Biting your fingers ! No, no, I'll find 
 you fomethiog to do. Come, we'll keep moving I 
 (Takes bis 'fat her by the arm, who re/tfts.) 
 
 Enter Landlord. 
 
 Land. Gentlemen, I beg leave 
 
 T. Rap. No profing to the point. 
 
 O. Rap. For fliame don't interrupt the gen- 
 tleman. 
 
 T. Rap. Gently, dad dafh away, fir. 
 
 Land. A fervant of Sir Hubert Stanley has been 
 inquiring for Mr. Rapid. 
 
 T. Rap. Pufti on ! 
 
 Land. And cxpe&s him at the caftle. 
 
 T. Rap. Hhit will do pufh off brufh run ! 
 [Exit Landlord (running). 
 That's the thing keep moving. I fay, dad ! 
 " '>. Rap. What do you fay, Neddy ? 
 
 T. Rap. Neddy ! dam'it, don't call me Neddy. 
 I hate to be calFd Neddy. 
 
 O. 'Raps Well, I won't. 
 
 r. Rap. That's fettled I fay what's your 
 bufmefs with Sir Hubert ? Some fecret, eh ? 
 
 O. Rap. (a/ide). 1 won't tell you. Oh no a 
 bill he owes me for making his clothes and live- 
 ries. 
 
 T. Rap. Pugh ! he's a ready-money man. I 
 never made a bill out for him in my life It won't 
 do. 
 
 ' O. Rap. Well then, fit down, and I'll tell you 
 (tbeyftt). Can you fit ftill a moment ? 
 
 T. Rap. (jumping up). To bcfurc I cannow 
 
 tell me briefly briefly. [Sits again. 
 
 5 O. Rap.
 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACfrt. 1$ 
 
 O. Rap. (afidi). Indeed I will not You muft 
 know 
 
 r. Rap. Aye 
 
 O. Rap. You muft know 
 
 T. Rap. Zounds ! you've feid that twice now 
 don't fay it again. 
 
 O. Rap. Well, I won't. You. muft know 'tis 
 a very long ftory. 
 
 T. Rap. (rijin*). Then I'll not trouble you. 
 
 O. Rap. (afide). I thought fo. And pray what 
 might induce you to come with me ? 
 
 T. Rap. (ajide). Won't tell him of Jcfly.Oh, 
 as we had given up trade, left off ditching you 
 know my way I like to pufh on change the 
 fcene, that's all keep moving. 
 
 O. Rap. Moving ! (yawns). Oh, my poor old 
 bones ! Waiter, bring me a night-gown. (Waiter 
 lelps him on witb a night-gown-* be lays his coat on 
 a chair.) 
 
 T. Rap. What are you at, dad ? 
 
 O. Rap. Going to take a nap on that fofa. 
 
 T. Rap. A nap pugh ! 
 
 O. Rap. Zounds ! I've no comfort of my life 
 with you. 
 
 T. Rap. Say no more. 
 
 O. Rap. But I will, tho' hurry, hurry- od rab- 
 bit it, I never get a dinner that's halfdreffed; and 
 as for a comfortable deep, I'm fore 
 
 T. Rap. You fleep fo flow. 
 
 0. Rap. Sleep. flow 1 I'll fleep as flow as I pleafe; 
 fo at your peril difturb me. Sleep flow indeed ! 
 ( yawning). [Exit, 
 
 .T. Rap. Now to vifit JefTy. Waiter ! 
 
 Waiter. Sar I (with great quicknefs). 
 
 T. Rap. That's right fir fhort^youVc a fine 
 
 fellow. 
 
 C 3 Waiter.
 
 6 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 
 
 Waiter. Yes, far. 
 
 7". &#>. Does Farmer Oatland live hereabouts ? 
 
 Waiter. Yes, far. 
 
 r. *p. How far ? 
 
 Waiter. Three miles. 
 
 r. /?*/>. Which way ? 
 . Waiter. Weft. 
 
 T. Rap. That will do get me a buggy. 
 
 Waiter. Yes, far. 
 
 7*. Rap. Oh, if my old dad had left off bufinefs 
 as fome of your flafhy taylors do, I might have 
 kept a curricle, and liv'd like a man. Is the buggy 
 ready ? 
 
 Waiter. No, far^ 
 
 T. Rap. But to cut the (hop with paltry five 
 tboufand. Is the buggy ready ? 
 
 Waiter. No, far. 
 
 T. Rap. Or to have dafhed to Jefiy in a curricle. 
 Is the buggy ready ? 
 
 Waiter. No, far. [Exit. 
 
 T. Rap. To have flank'd along a pair of blood 
 things at fixteen miles an hour. (Puts bimfelfin the 
 aft of driving y and Jits on the chair where OLD RA- 
 PID left his coat Jprings from it again.) What the 
 devil's that ? Zounds ! fomething has run into 
 my back. I'll bet a hundred 'tis a needle in Fa- 
 ther's pocket. Confound it! what does he carry 
 needles now for? (Searches the pocket.) Sure 
 enough, here it is one end ftuck into a letter, and 
 the other into my back, I believe. Curfe it ! Eh ! 
 what's this ? (Reads) . To Mr. Rapid Free 
 Hubert Stanley." Ha, ha, ha ! here's dad's 
 fecret Now for it! (Reads very quick). "Sir 
 < Hubert Stanley will expecVto fee Mr.. Rapid at 
 f< the Caftle, and wou'd be glad to extend the 
 r< mortgage, which is now 50,000 1." What's 
 13 this?
 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 27 
 
 this? (Reads again) " Extend the mortgage, 
 ef which is now 50,000!. to feventy." Fifty thou- 
 fand ! huzza ! 'tis fo my old dad worth fifty thou- 
 fand perhaps feventy perhaps I'll no I'll 
 
 Enter Waiter. 
 
 Waiter. The buggy's ready, fir. 
 
 T. Rap. Dare to talk to me of a buggy, and 
 
 rn- 
 
 Waiter. Perhaps you wou'd prefer a chaife and 
 pair ? 
 
 T. Rap. No, I'll have a chaife and twelve. 
 Abfcond! (Exit Waiter.) I muft I muft keep 
 moving. I muft travel for improvement. Firft 
 I'll fee the whole of my native country, its 
 agriculture and manufactories. That, I think, 
 will take me full four days and a half. Next 
 I'll make the tour of Europe ; which, to do 
 properly, will, 1 dare fay, employ three weeks 
 or a month. Then, returning as completely vers'd 
 in foreign manners and languages as the beft 
 of them, I'll make a pufti at high life. In the firft 
 circles I'll keep moving. Fifty thoufand ! perhaps 
 more perhaps oh ! 
 
 Waiter (without). You can't come in. 
 
 Bronze (without). 1 tell you I will come in. 
 T. Rap. Will come in ! that's right pufh on, 
 
 whoever you are. 
 
 ^ UQv .. /, :.::... ' 
 
 Enter BRONZE. 
 
 Bronze. I thought fo. How do you do, Mr. 
 Rapid ? Don't you remember Bronze, your fa- 
 ther's foreman, when you were a boy ? 
 
 T Rap. Ah, Bronze ! how do you do, Bronze ? 
 
 Any thing to fay, Bronze ? Keep moving. Do 
 
 C 4 you
 
 *8 *_<?. *E #>* T E HEARST- ACHE. 
 
 you know, Bronze, by this letter I have difcover'd, 
 that my father is worth -how much, think you ? 
 
 Bronze. Perhaps ten thoufand. 
 . T. Rap. Pufli on. 
 Bronze. Twenty. 
 T. Rap. Pufli on. 
 Bronze. Thirty. 
 T. Rap. Keep moving. 
 Bronze. Forty. 
 
 T. Rap. Fifty perhaps-^fixty feventy oh ! 
 ril tell you. He has lent 50,000 1. on mortgage, 
 to an old Baronet. 
 
 Bronze. Sir Hubert St 
 
 T. Rap. (flopping bim). I know his name as 
 well as you do. 
 
 Bronze (afide). Here's news for my matter ! 
 Well, fir, what do you mean to do ? - 
 
 T. Rap. Do ! Pufli on become a man of 
 fafliion, to be fure. 
 
 Bronze. What wou'd you fay, if I were to get 
 you introduced to a Nabob ? 
 
 T. Rap. A Nabob ! Oh ! fome flafli-in-the-pan 
 chap. 
 
 -Bronze. Oh, no ! 
 
 T. Rap. What, one of your real, genuine, neat 
 as imported, Nabobs ? 
 
 Bronze. Yesi Mr. Vortex. Did you never hear 
 of him ?' 
 
 T. Rap. To be fure I have. But will you ? 
 Bronze. Yes. 
 
 T. Rap. Ah ! but will you do it directly ? 
 . Bronze. I will. 
 
 T..Rap. Then pufh off Stop ftop I beg 
 your pardon it cuts me to the heart to ftop any 
 man, becaufe I wilh every body to keep moving. 
 But wpn't da,d's being ataylor, make an objection ? 
 
 Bronze.
 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 2 
 
 Bronze. No ; as you never went out with .the 
 pattern-books. 
 
 T.Rap. (figbing). Oh yes, IdioV, 
 
 Bronze. That's aukward. But you never ope- 
 rated ? 
 
 T. Rap. (with melancholy). What do' you fay ? 
 
 Bronze. I fay you never (defcribes in aftion the 
 aft of Jewing]. 
 
 T. Rap. (figbing deeper}. Oh ! yes, I did. 
 
 Bronze. That's unlucky. 
 
 T. Rap. Very melancholy, indeed ! 
 
 Bronze. I have it. Suppofe I fay you are raer^ 
 chants. 
 
 T. Rap. My dear fellow, fink the taylor, and 
 I'll give you a hundred. 
 
 Bronze. Will you ? Thank you. 
 
 Y. Rap. Now pufh off. 
 
 Bronze. But don't be out of the way. 
 
 T. Rap. Me ! Blefs you, I'm always in the 
 way. 
 
 Bronze. Don't move. 
 
 T. Rap. Yes, I muft move a little away you 
 go (pufhes Bronze off). Huzza ! now to awake 
 old dad. (Exity and returns with OLD RAPID.) 
 Come along, dad. 
 
 O. Rap. (balfajkep). Yes, fir yes, fir I'll 
 tneafure you directly I'll meafure you directly. 
 
 T. Rap. He's aflecp. Awake ! 
 
 O. Rap. What's the matter, eh ? What's the 
 matter ? 
 
 T. Rap. What's the matter ! I've found fifty 
 thoufand in that letter ? 
 
 O. Rap. Indeed! (opens the letter eagerly.} Ah!. 
 Neddy, have you foun4 out 
 
 T. Rap. I have that you are worth how 
 much? 
 
 O. Rap.
 
 JO A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 
 
 O. Rap. Why, fince what's paft 
 
 T. Rap. Never mind what's paft. 
 
 O. Rap. I've been a fortunate man. My old 
 partner us'd to fay, <e Ah ! you are lucky, Rapid. 
 " Your needle always fticks in the right place." 
 
 T. Rap. No, not always (Jhrugging). But how 
 much ? 
 
 0. Rap. Why, as it muft out, there are fifty 
 thoufand lent on mortgage. Item, fifteen thou- 
 fand in the Confols Item 
 
 T. Rap. Never mind the Items. The total, 
 my dear dad the total. 
 
 O. Rap. What do you think of a plum ? 
 
 T. Rap. A plum ! Oh, fweet, agreeable, little, 
 fliort word ! 
 
 O. Rap. Befides feven hundred and ninety 
 
 T. Rap. Never mind the odd money that will 
 do. But how came you fo rich, dad ? Dam'me, 
 you muft have kept moving. 
 
 0. Rap. Why, my father, forty years ago, left 
 me five thoufand pounds j which, at compound 
 intereft, if you multiply 
 
 T. Rap. No ; you have multiplied it famoufly. 
 It's my bufmefs to reduce it (afide}. Now, my 
 dear dad, in the firft place, never call me Neddy. 
 ; O. Rap. Why, what mufti call you ? 
 
 T. Rap. Ned fliort Ned. 
 
 O. Rap. Ned ! O Ned ! 
 
 T. Rap. That will do. And, in the next place, 
 fink the taylor. Whatever you do, fink the 
 taylor. 
 
 O. Rap. Sink" the taylor ! What do you mean ? 
 
 T. Rap. I've news tor you. We are going to 
 be introduced to Mr. Vortex, the rich Nabob. 
 
 O. Rap. You don't fay fo ! Huzza j it will be 
 the making of us. 
 
 r. Rap.
 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. JI 
 
 r. Rap. To be fure. Such fafh ion ! fuch ftile! 
 
 O. Rap. Aye, and fuch a quantity of liveries, 
 and Oh dear me ! (with great dejeffion). 
 
 T. Rap. What's the matter ? 
 
 O. Rap. (fighing). I forgot I had left ofFbufi- 
 nefs. 
 
 T. Rap. Bufmefs ! Confound it ! Now, pray 
 keep the taylor under, will you ? I'll I'll fend an 
 cxprefs to London (runs to the table). 
 
 O. Rap. An exprefs! for what? 
 
 T. Rap. I don'c know. 
 "-- 'V * 'iO^ \ '-\\ 
 
 Enter Waiter. 
 
 r V JV J 
 
 Waiter. The bill of fare, gentlemen. 
 
 T. Rap. Bring it here (reads). " Turbots 
 cc Salmon Soles Haddock Beef Mutton 
 cf Veal Lamb Pork Chickens Ducks 
 (t Turkies Puddings -*- Pyes." -^Drefs it all- 
 that's the fhort way. 
 
 Waiter. All ! 
 
 T. Rap. Every bit. 
 
 O. Rap. No, no, nonfenfe. The fhort way 
 indeed ! Come here, fir. Let me fee (reads). 
 Urn Urn. -Ribs of beef." That's a good 
 thing; I'll have that, 
 
 ^ Rap. What? 
 
 Waiter. Ribs of beef, fir. 
 
 T. Rap. Are they the fhort ribs ? 
 
 Waiter. Yes, fir. 
 
 X. Rap. That's right. 
 . Waiter. What liquor wou'd your honour like ? 
 
 T. Rap, (jumping up). Spruce beer. 
 
 Waiter. Very well, fir. 
 
 T. Rap. I muft have fome clothes. 
 
 Q. Rap. I'm fure that's a very good coat. 
 
 T. Raf.
 
 J2 **yRE- FOR THE HEART- ACHES 
 
 ' T. Rap. Waiter ! I muft have a dafhing coat 
 for the Nabob. Is there a rafcally taylor any 
 where near you ? 
 
 Waiter. Yes, fir; there are two clofe by 
 (Father and Son look at each of her). 
 
 T. Rap. Umph ! Then tell one of them to fend 
 me fome clothes. 
 
 Waiter. Sir, he muft take your meafure. 
 
 O. Rap. To b Cure he muft. 
 
 T. Rap. Oh true ! I remember the fellows do 
 meafure you fomehow with long bits of Well 
 fend for the fcoundrel. f Exit Waiter. 
 
 O. Rap. Oh, forfhame ofyourfelf! I've no pa- 
 tience. 
 
 T. Rap. Like you the better. Hate patience 
 as much as you do, ha ! ha ! Muft fwagger a 
 little. 
 
 - O. Rap. Ah! I am too fond of you, I am, 
 Ned. Take my fortune ; but only remember 
 this By the faith of a man I came by it honeftly 
 and all I afk is, that it- may go as it came. 
 
 T. Rap. Certainly. But we mutt keep moving, 
 you know. 
 
 O. Rap. Well, I don't care if I do take a bit of 
 a walk with you. 
 
 T. Rap. Bit of a walk ! Dam'me, we'll have a 
 gallop together. Come along, dad. Pufh on. 
 dad. [Exeunt. 
 
 SCENE II. .A Rom in Mr. VORTEX'S Houfe. 
 
 Enter Mr. VORTEX, ELLEN, and Mifs VORTEX. 
 
 Ellen. Married to Charles Stanley ! You, Ma- 
 dam ? 
 
 Mifs Vor. Yes, I. 
 Men. I'll not before it.
 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 33 
 
 Mifs Vor. Well, I vow that's uncommon co- 
 mic. And why not, my forfaken coufin? ^ 
 
 Ellen. Firft, madam, I know Charles Stanley 
 Wpuld only form fo facrcd an alliance where his 
 affe&ions pointed out the object. Secondly, I fccj 
 thofe affections to be mine. 
 
 Vortex. Thirdly, an inconftant fwain .was a. 
 thing never heard of; and, to conclude, pray pe- 
 rufe that letter 
 
 Ellen (reads). " Sir Hubert Stanley informs 
 " Mr. Vortex that his fon embraces with eager joy 
 " the propofals for his marriage with Mr. Vortex's 
 " daughter." (Drops the letter.} Then every thing 
 is peflible. Oh love 1 
 
 Vortex. Nay, don't you abufe poor Cupid 
 his conduct has been perfectly parliamentary. Self 
 intereft has made the little gentleman move over 
 to the other fide, that's all. (Knocking at the door.) 
 
 Ellen. Heavens ! fhould this be 
 
 Enter a Servant. 
 
 Sfrv. Young Mr. Stanley, fir. 
 
 Ellen. My foul finks within me. 
 
 Mifs Vor. (with offered tendernefs). Upon my 
 honour, my dear, you had better retire. Your 
 agitation 
 
 Ellen. I thank you, madam (going). Hold. 
 No; with your permiflion I'll remain (returns}. 
 
 Mifs Vor. Juft as you pleafe. What a triumph 1 
 Oh, how uncommon delicious! 
 
 Ellen. Now, heart, be firm ! (Retires from the 
 front oftbeftage). 
 
 Enter CHARLES STANLEY with <agtrnefs,ftar>ts. 
 
 Mifs Vor. How he's ftruck ! 
 Vortex. Exceedingly. 
 
 Charles:
 
 34 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 
 
 Charles What can this mean ? (afide). Ma- 
 mad madam the confufion that that that 
 
 Mifs Vor. I muft cheer him with a fmile. [During 
 this ELLEN advances to the front of the ft age, Jo as 
 io leave Mifs VORTEX between her and STANLEY.) 
 
 Charles, (feeing ELLEN). Ah ! what heaven of 
 brightnefs breaks in upon me ! Lovely Mifs Vor- 
 tex, can I believe my happinefs ? Will thofe arms 
 receive me ?) Mifs VORTEX, thinking this addreffed 
 to her, opens her arms - t STANLEY rujhes paft her to 
 ELLEN.) My Ellen ! 
 
 Ellen. Oh, Charles, the fufferings my heart un- 
 derwent this moment, and the joy it now feels is 
 fuch, I cannot fpeak. (They retire.) 
 
 Mifs For. Nabob ! Nabob ! 
 
 Vortex, What's the matter ? 
 
 Mifs Vor. The matter ! won't you refent this ? 
 
 Vortex. Oh dear! not I. 
 
 Mifs Vor. Will you bear an infult ? 
 
 Vortex. My phyficians order me not to mind 
 being infuked at all; nothing is to provoke me. 
 
 Mifs Vor. Provoke you ! If I were a man, I 
 would Oh ! 
 
 Vortex. I don't like his looks, he feems a def- 
 perate 
 
 Mifs Vor. What do you mean to do ? 
 
 Vor. Why, as this is a very extraordinary cafe 
 
 Mifs Vor. Certainly. 
 
 Vortex. I think it bed to adjourn (goes up the 
 flage, Mifs VORTEX fellows). 
 
 STANLEY and ELLEN come forward. 
 
 Charles. I perceive the miftake j but my heart 
 confefs'd but one Mils Vortex. I thought the 
 name, like the fuperior virtues you adorn it with, 
 attach'd alone to Ellen. The em ban-ailments of 
 
 my
 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE, 35 
 
 my paternal eftate demanded a marriage with a 
 woman of fortune. ';r.v 
 
 Ellen. What do I hear ? 
 
 Charles. Why this alarm ? 
 
 Ellen. Alarm ! Muft not thofe words terrify 
 which feparate me from you for ever ? 
 
 Charles. What means my Ellen ? iw 
 
 Ellen, Oh, Stanley, hear me. On my return to 
 England, Mr. Vortex, to whom tire care of my 
 property was entrufted, was ever preffing on my 
 mind the difficulty of recovering my father's India 
 poffefiions. Each meffenger. that arrived from 
 you, confirmed the melancholy tale, that my Stan- 
 ley was finking into an early grave. Oh ! what 
 then was fortune or the world to me ? I fought 
 out folitude, and willingly affigned to Mr. Vortex 
 what he called my expectations, for five thoufand 
 pounds. 
 
 Charles. Yet you fhall be mine. 
 
 Ellen. No, Charles, I will not bring you pover- 
 ty. I'll return to folitude, and endeavour to teach 
 this lefibn to my heart, " That it will be joy 
 <c enough to know that Stanley is well and happy." 
 
 Charts. Stay, Ellen think deeply before you 
 confign the man that loves you to certain mifery. 
 
 Ellen. True in a few hours let me fee you 
 again. The oppofing agitations my mind has fuf- 
 fered unfit me for further converfation. 
 
 Charles. In a few hours, then, you'll allow me 
 to fee you ? 
 
 Ellen. Alltfw you to fee me! Oh! Stanley, 
 farewell ! [Exit. 
 
 Mr. and Mifs VORTEX come forward. 
 
 Mifs For. Now fpeak. 
 
 Vortex.
 
 $6 A CURE FOR. THE HEART-ACHE* 
 
 Vortex. We had better pair off. 
 
 Mifs Vor. No fpeak with fpirit. 
 
 Vortex. I will. Sir, I cannot help faying, that 
 every man, that is, every man of honor 
 
 Mijs Vor. That's right ! fay that again. 
 
 Vortex. That every man of honor (rat/ing his 
 voice}. 
 
 Charles. Well, fir? 
 
 Vortex. Is is the the bed judge of his 
 own adtions. 
 
 Charles. I perfedly agree with you and wifti 
 you a good morning. [Exit* 
 
 Mifs Vor. So, then, I'm to be infulted, deipis'd, 
 and laugh'd at, and no duel is to take place no- 
 body is to be kill'd my tender heart is to feel no 
 fatisfaftiori (weeps). 
 
 Vortex. J fight ! Do you confider the preciouf- 
 cefs of a legiflator's life ? 
 
 " A county fuffers when a Member bleeds." 
 
 Enter BRONZE. 
 
 Bronze* Oh, fir, fuch news ! 
 
 Vortex. What ! is Parliament convened ? 
 
 Bronze. No, fir ; but I have found out that the 
 Baronet is 
 
 Vortex. What of him ? 
 
 Bronze. Ruin'd ! 
 
 Mifs Vor. (drying ber eyes). Well! that's fome 
 fatisfadion. 
 
 Brcnze. I met at the inn the Mr. Rapids, mer- 
 chants I formerly liv'd with, who have a large 
 mortgage on his eftate, and he wants to borrow 
 more So, fir, I told them I was fure my matter 
 would be proud to fee them at Bangalore Hall, 
 becaufe I thought, fir 
 
 Vort<x.
 
 A CtfRE FOR THE HEART-ACME. ft 
 
 Vortex. I know I have it. I'll (hew them 
 every attention ; and if I can but get hold of the 
 mortgage, I'll 
 
 Mifs Vor. Oh! uncommon charming! 
 
 Vortex (to Mifs VORTEX^. Now do you go and 
 write a note, and fay we will wait on them. Ah! 
 life policy inftead of piftols, and I would fight any 
 man -for, as I fay in my fpeech, " Policy, Mr, 
 Speaker, is " 
 
 Mifs For. Exaftly, Nabobbut I muft write 
 the letter, you know. Is the young merchant 
 handfome ? 
 
 Bronze. Yes, madam. 
 
 Mifs Vor. So much the better. [Exit. 
 
 Vortex. You fee, Bronze, the turn \ give it is 
 this" Policy, Mr. Speaker, fays I-r-" 
 
 Bronze. Very true, fir - t but I believe my mif- 
 trefs calls I attend you, madam. [#/V. 
 
 Vortex. Confound it ! Will nobody hear my 
 fpeech ? then I'll fpeak it to myfelf. " Policy, 
 Mr. Speaker'' 
 
 \*;i! i. t : : t cft~*.<i!'.iJ.K>' ' ...- h- iKi - f 
 
 Enter FRAN ic. 
 
 Frank. How do you do, fur ? 
 
 Vortex. What! interrupted again ! Approach, 
 don't be afraid. 
 
 Frank. Lord, fur, I bean't afeard ; Why fhould 
 I ? I defies the devil and all his works. 
 
 Vortex. If this be what is called rough honefty, 
 give me a little fmooth-tongu'd roguery. I don'c 
 ~know you, fellow 1 
 
 Frank. Ees, fur, you do I be's Frank Oatland. 
 
 Vortex. Begone ! I know nothing of you. 
 
 Frank. Ees^ fur, you do I've a bit of a fitter 
 call'd Jeffy. 
 
 D Vortex.
 
 38 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 
 
 Vortex. Eh! ah! 
 
 Frank (afide). Dom urn, he knaws me well 
 enough now. 
 
 Vortex. Oh ! very true Frank Oatland, aye ! 
 Well, good Frank, how is Jefly ? 
 
 Frank. Charming, fur ! charming ! 
 
 Vortex. Aye, that (he is, lovely and charming, 
 indeed! (a/tde).And how are you, Frank ? 
 
 Frank. I be's charming too, fur ! 
 
 Vortex. But why don't Jeffy vifit my people 
 here ? I fhould be always happy to fee her. 
 
 Frank. Should you, fur ? Why, if I may be fo 
 bold as to ax, why, fur ? .n 
 
 Vortex. Becaufe becaufe fhe is a farmer 
 Oatland's child.' tuii..* :i w 
 
 Frank* So be I, fur. How comes it, then, that 
 you never axes I to your balls and oftentations ? 
 I can dance twice as long as fitter can. 
 
 Vortex. Cunning fellow this! I mud buy him. 
 t \V ell,. Frank, what are your commands ?i < rbasql 
 
 Frank. Why, fur, Feyther do command you to 
 lend him three hundred pounds no, fur, I mean 
 he fupplicates. ' 
 
 Vortex. Three hundred pounds ! 
 , Franki I'll tell you, fur, ell about it. You 
 knaw, fur, Feyther have been knuckled out n( a 
 moft cruel fight of money by you at weag/ .ng 
 and cards. 
 
 Vortex. By me, fellow ! Do you think I aflb- 
 ciate with fuch reptiles ? 
 
 Frank. Ecod, it was either you or t'other gen- 
 tleman. 
 
 Vortex. T'other gentleman ! 
 
 Frank. I dan't knaw which be which, not I. 
 There be two of you. 
 
 : VQrtex. Two of us ! 
 
 Frank.
 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART- ACHE. 39 
 
 Frank. Ees j there be you that be one ; and 
 there be your gentleman he do make the pair. 
 
 Vortex. The pair ! Arid have 1 been buying a 
 hundred thoufand pounds worth of refpect for this? 
 Have I become a Member to pair off with my 
 valet ? 
 
 Frank. Ecod, and a comical pair you be! 
 T'other gentleman be's a tightifh, conceated fort 
 of a chap enough ; but you be a little he ! he 1 
 (/mothering a laugh). 
 
 Vortex. Upon my foul, this is very pleafant 
 You are quite free and eafy. 
 
 Frank. Quite, fur; quite. Feyther do tell I ic 
 be all the fafhion. 
 
 Vortex. He does ! Then you may tell Feyther, 
 that if he has loft his money at play, the winners 
 won't give him fixpence to fave him from ftarving, 
 and that be all the falhion. By their cliftrefs the 
 pretty JeflTy will be more in my power, and then 
 I can reinftate them in a farm upon terms (afide). 
 Go, fellow ! I (hall not fend your Father fixpence. 
 
 Frank. The words I told um the very words 
 I told um, Says I Cl Feyther, he bean't the man 
 will gi' thee a brafs farthing. Dong it, he hasn'j 
 it here, fays I" (faying bis hand upon his heart). . 
 
 Vortex. You faid fo, did you ? 
 
 Frank. Ees fo you fee, fur, what a defperate 
 cute lad I be. 
 
 Vortex (afide). I'll fet a trap for you, you dog-^- 
 I'll have you in my power, however ; I'll drop my 
 purfe he'll take it ami then (drops bispurfe) 
 A pair of us ! I'll lay you by the heels, defperate 
 cute as you are. [Exit. 
 
 Frank. Poor Feyther, poor Sifter, and poor I ! 
 Feyther will go broken-hearted, for fartain; and 
 then, fifter JdTy's coming to labour. I can't bear 
 'A-u * D 2 the
 
 4pi A CURE F6R THE HEART-ACHE., 
 
 the thought pn't. Od dom thee! if I could but 
 get hold of fome of thy money, I'd teak care thec 
 fhould not get' it again.' Eh ! (fees tbe purfe, 
 walks round it). Well, now, I declare that jjo look 
 for all the world like a purfe. How happy it would 
 make poor Feyther and Sifter! I conceates there 
 wou'd be no harm juft to. touch it; (takes it up 
 wi,tb caution ,) it be cruel tempting. Nobody dp 
 fee I. I wonder how it wou'd feel in my pocket 
 (puts it with fear into bis pocket). Wouns! how 
 hot J be! Cruel warm- to be fure. Who-'s that ? 
 Nobody. Oh! 1 1 kiivdi lud! and I ha' got- 
 ten iuch a:defperate ague al) of.a fudden, afid my 
 heart do keep j jump jumping. I, believe 1 bq 
 going to cjie (falls- into a. fbair) J^h!r-Eh! 
 Mayhap.it be this terrible purlb. JJom thee, come 
 out (throws it down. Afur a pauff) Ees, now 
 1 is better. Dear.,m^ quite an' alteration. My 
 head doant fpia about foa, ; and my .heart do feej.as 
 light, and do fo keep .tittup i#g >; ,yuuping, 1 .can't 
 help Cry ing..;,,; T ,* fc., 
 
 " '; I } - J'l* ' v-M 
 
 ' SfU TT t ~\T 7, W**'' '"' 
 
 ' Vortex. Now.fi have 
 
 What, he has not Hole it, tho' his ow/j ; Cher' 
 in want ! Here's a, precious rafcal for yQul.^ 
 
 Frank. Mr. Nabob ? j[op ,fcayp l^fr your purfe 
 behind you (fobbing)-, and you ought to U a- 
 Jheamed .of. .yourftlf, ,/o -. ^op - Bought, to it^avp a 
 purfe in a'poor ^ad's way,;^^-^^'^!^^^^ W 1 ^ 
 
 a Sifter coming to llarving. >: . ; |j' 3 J il\u\i - 
 
 : Vortex. My purfe ! l\ue, } yeach ifc n^.- i; 
 
 Frank*. Noa, thank you 'for nothiag. I've had 
 it in my hand once. Ecod, if having other people's 
 money do make a maa fo hot, how defperate warm 
 Tome folks.mun be! ~ : Tn im Cn 
 
 Vortex.
 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 4! 
 
 Vortex. Warm, foolifh fellow ! (wiping bis 
 forehead, and fanning himfelf with 'bis hat). Fugh ! 
 quite a Bengal day, I declare. 
 
 Frank. Od dang it ! how their wicked heads 
 mun fpin round ! 
 
 Vortex. Spin round ! I never heard fuch a fim- 
 pleton. Spin, indeed! ha! ha! God blefs my 
 foul, I'm quite giddy ! Oh Lord ! Oh dear me ! 
 Help! help! 
 
 Enter BRONZE. 
 
 Bronze. What's the matter, fir. 
 
 Vortex. Only a little touch of my old complaint. 
 Send that fellow away. (BRONZE goes up to 
 FRANK.) 
 
 Frank. Oh, this be t'other gentleman. Sur, I 
 ha* gotten twenty-fix pound that Fcyther loft to 
 you at gameftering. 
 
 Bronze. Where is it ? 
 
 Frank. In my pocket. 
 
 Bronze. That's lucky ! give it me. 
 
 Frank. Gi' it thee! Ees, dom thee, come out, 
 and I'll gi* it thee (clenching hisfft). 
 
 Vortex. Begone! 
 
 Frank. Gentlemen, I wifh you both a good 
 morning. \Exit. 
 
 Vortex (getting up). What a dunderhead that 
 is! To fuppofe that a little tendernefs of confcience 
 woii'd make a man's head turn round. Pugh ! 
 'tis impoflible ; -or how the devil wou'd the 
 Lawyers find their way from Weftminfter-hall ? 
 Giddy, indeed! Ha! ha! Bronze, take care I don't 
 fall. [Exit, leaning on BRONZE. 
 
 ?ND OF THE SECOND ACT.
 
 42 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE, 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 SCENE I. A Room in an Inn. 
 
 Enter OLD RAPID with a Letter, and a Servant 
 following. 
 
 O. Rap. What ! a real letter from the real Nabob ! 
 Dear me! where is Neddy? Make my humble 
 duty to your mafterj proud to ferve him no 
 very proud to fee him j grateful for the honour 
 of his cuftom -no no for his company, I 
 wifh you a pleafant walk home, fir. The Nabob 
 coming here directly ! Oh, dear me ! where's Neddy ? 
 -Waiter. [Exit Servant. 
 
 Enter Waiter. 
 
 Do you know where my boy is ? 
 
 Waiter. Not a minuce ago I faw him fighting in 
 a field behind the houfe. 
 
 Enter YOUNG RAPID bis Coat torn. 
 
 O. Rap. Fighting ! Oh, dear ! where is he? 
 
 r. Rap. Here am I, dad. 
 
 O. Rap. What has been the matter ? 
 
 T. Rap. Only a fmall rumpus j went to peep 
 at the cattle, pulhing home, the road had a bit 
 of a circumbendibus, hate corners, fo I jumped 
 the hedge, cut right acrofs, you know my way, 
 r kept moving, up came a farmer, wanted to 
 turn me back, would not do, tufsled a bit, 
 carried my point, came ftraight as an arrow. 
 
 O.Rap. Fie, fie! But read that letter. 
 
 r. Rap.
 
 A CURE TOR THE HEART-ACHE. 
 
 43 
 
 - T. Rap. What ! the Nabob coming here direftly, 
 and I in this pickle. Waiter, are my clothes come 
 home ? 
 
 Waiter. No, fir. 
 
 T. Rap. Why, the fellow gave his word 
 
 Waiter. Yes, fir; but what can you expeft 
 from a taylor ? [*/'/. 
 
 T. Rap, That's very true. 
 
 O. Rap. Impudentrafcal! 
 
 T. Rap. What the devil fhall I do? the moft 
 important moment of my life. 
 
 O. Rap. 'Tis unlucky. 
 
 T. Rap. Unlucky ? 'tis perdition annihila- 
 tion a misfortune, that 
 
 O. Rap. I can mend. 
 
 T. Rap. How ? 
 
 O. Rap. By mending the coat. 
 
 T. Rap. An excellent thought. Come, help me 
 off; quick, quick ! 
 
 O. Rap. I always have a needle in my pocket. 
 
 T. Rap. (rubbing bis back). I know you have. 
 
 O. Rap. Now give it me. 
 
 T. Rap. What ! fuffer my Father to mend my 
 coat? No, no; not fo bad as that neither. As 
 the coat muft be mended, damn it, I'll mend 
 ic. > 
 
 0. Rap. Will you tho'? Ecod, I (hould like to 
 fee you j here's a needle ready threaded and a 
 thimble 3 you can't think how I lhall like to lire 
 you j now don't hurry, that's a dear boy. ( YOUNG 
 RAPID Jits downy gathers his legs under him OLD 
 RAPID puts bis Jpeffacles on, ana 1 Jits clofe to him t 
 looking on.) 
 
 T. Rap. Now mind, dad, when- Damn the 
 needle J (wounds bis fingers'). 
 
 0. Rap. That's becaufe you are in fuch a hurry. 
 D 4 T. Rap.
 
 44 A CPRZ FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 
 
 T. Rap. When the Nabob comes, fink the 
 taylor. 
 
 O. Rap. I willj but that's a long ditch. 
 
 T. Rap. Be fure you fink the taylor; a great 
 deal depends on the firft imprefiion ; you lhall be 
 reading a grave book with a melancholy air. 
 
 0. Rap. Then I wifh I had brought down my 
 book of bad debts ; that would have made me 
 melancholy enough. 
 
 Mr. and Mifs VORTEX, who advance Jlowly^ 
 the Nabob the fide where YOUNG RAPID w, 
 Mifs VORTEX to the other fide. 
 
 T. Rap. I, ha ! ha ! I fay, dad, if the Nabob 
 was to fee us now, ha ! ha ! 
 
 O. Rap. Ha ! ha ! True ; but mind what you're 
 about. 
 
 T. Rap. I'll be difcovered in a fituation that 
 will furprize a linking fituation, and in fome 
 damn'd elegant attitude (looks vp and fees the 
 Nabob). 
 
 0. Rap. Why don't you finifli the job ? why 
 dont you ? (fees the Nabob.) (They look round the 
 other way, and fee Mifs VORTEX; they both appear 
 ajhamed and dejefted; YOUNG RAPID draws bis 
 legs from under him). 
 
 Vortex. Gentlemen, I and my daughter, Mifs 
 Vortex, have done ourfelves the honour of waiting 
 upon you, to 
 
 Mifs Vor. But I beg we may not interrupt your 
 amufement; 'tis uncommon whimfical ! 
 
 T. Rap. (recovering himj elf). Yes, ma'am, very 
 whimfical, I mij ft keep moving (laughs). Ha ! 
 ha ! You fee, dad, I've won, I've won, ha ! ha I 
 Mifs for. He fays he has won. 
 
 O.'Rap.
 
 A CWR1 FOR- THE "HEART- ACHE. 4$ 
 
 O. Rap. (with amazement) ; Oh! he has won, 
 has he ? 
 
 T. Rap. Yes, you know I've won ; he! he! 
 why don't you laugh ? (afide to OLD RAPID-). 
 
 O. Rap. (with difficulty). Ha ! he ! 
 
 T. Rap. You fee, ma'am, the fact is, I had 
 torn my coat; fo fays I to my father, I'll bet my 
 bays againftyour opera box that I mend it; andib 
 ha! ha! (to OLD RAPID) Laugh again. 
 
 O. Rap. I can't, indeed I can't. 
 
 T. Rap. And fo I I won upon my foul I 
 was doing it very well. 
 
 O. Rap. No, you were not, you were doing it 
 a ihame to be feen. 
 
 T. Rap. (apart). Hufli ! Ah, father, you don'c 
 like to lofe. 
 
 Vortex. Well, gentlemen, now this very extra- 
 ordinary frolic is over 
 
 T. Rap. Yes, fir, it is quite Qver t (ajidt) 
 thank Heaven ! 
 
 Vortex. Suppofe we adjourn to Bangalore Hall ? 
 
 T. Rap. Sir, I'll go with you dire&ly with all 
 the pleafure in life (running). 
 
 Mifs Vor. I believe my curricle is the firft cai> 
 riage. 
 
 O. Rap. Dear me ! (looking at Mifs VORTEX.) 
 
 Vortex. My daughter feems to pleafe you, fir. 
 
 O. Rap. What a fliape ! 
 
 Mifs Vor. Oh, fir, you're uncommon polite! 
 
 T. Rap. He's remarkably gallant, ma'am. 
 
 O. Rap. What elegance ! what fafliion ! upon 
 the whole, it's the belt made little fpencer I've 
 feen for fome time. (VORTEX and Daughter in 
 amazement.') 
 
 T. Rap t Oh, the devil ! The fact is, ma'am, 
 my father is the qaoft particular man on earth about 
 
 drefs
 
 46 A CURE rOR tHE HEART-ACHE.' 
 
 drefs the beau of his time Beau Rapid. You 
 know, father, they always call'd you Beau Rapid. 
 j dare fay he's had more fuits of clothes in his houfe 
 than any man in England. 
 
 Mifs Vor. An uncommon expenfive whim ! 
 
 T. Rap. I don't think his fortune has fuffer'd by 
 it. 
 
 Mijs Vor. (to OLD RAPID). Shall I have the 
 honour of driving you ? 
 
 O. Rap. Oh, madam, I can't think of giving 
 you fo much trouble as to drive me. 
 
 Mifs Vor. My dear fir, I fliall be uncommon 
 happy ! 
 
 O. Rap. Oh, madam ! (fimpers and titters to bis 
 Jon, then takes Mifs VORTEX'J band, and trots 
 
 /) 
 
 Vortex. We'll follow. 
 
 T. Rap. If you pleafej not that I particularly 
 like to follow. 
 
 Vortex. I fuppofe, fir, now fummer approaches, 
 London begins to fill for the winter. 
 
 T. Rap. Yes, fir. 
 
 Vortex. Any thing new in high life ? what is the 
 prefent rage with ladies of fafhion ? 
 
 Y. Rap. Why, fir, as to the ladies ;(afide) 
 What fhall I fay ? Oh, the ladies, fir why, hea- 
 ven blefs them, fir! they they keep moving; 
 bur, to confefs the truth, fir, my fafhionable edu- 
 cation has been very much neglected. 
 
 Vortex. That's a pity. 
 
 T. Rap. Very great pity, fir. 
 
 Vortex. Suppofe I become your preceptor. 
 
 T. Rap. It you wou'd be fo kind I wou'd 
 treafure any little fhort rule. 
 
 Vortex. Why there is a (hort rule neceffary for 
 every man of fafhion to attend to. 
 
 T. Rap.
 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 47. 
 
 Y. Rap. What is it ? 
 
 Vortex. Never to reflect. . -,\ jj, 
 
 T. Rap. Never reflect ! what pufh on keep 
 moving ? My dear fir that's my way fuits me 
 exactly. 
 
 Vortex. Then you muft be known. 
 
 T. Rap. To be fure i I'll give away thoufands 
 in charities. 
 
 Vortex. Charities! You would be forgot in a 
 week. To be known, you muft be mifchievous; 
 malice has a much better memory than gratitude; 
 and then you muft be gallant. Are there no 
 pretty girls you fhould like to be well with, 
 eh? 
 
 T. Rap. A very extenfive afibrtment, fir. 
 
 Vortex. And perhaps there may be a married 
 woman you would like to intrigue with, 
 
 T. Rap. A very large quantity. -Oh, how I 
 long to begin ! Are you married, fir ? 
 
 Vortex, Why, no! 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Servant. The carriage is ready. 
 
 T. Rap. So am I ; come, fir, four horfes, I 
 hope. 
 
 Vortex, No, fir. 
 
 T. Rap. That's a great pity. Pray, fir, will you 
 have the goodnefs to tell your coachman to drive 
 like the devil ? 
 
 Vortex. Sir, to oblige you. 
 
 T. Rap. Sir, I'll be very muchobfig'd to^you. 
 
 Enter Waiter. . 
 
 Waiter. Your clothes are come, fir. 
 T. Rap. That's lucky. 
 
 Vortex.
 
 49 A'CtTRfi FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 
 
 Vortex '. Then I'll wait for you. 
 
 T. Rap. Wait for me ! nobody need wait for 
 me FH be with you in a crack Do you pufh on 
 *-I'll keep moving FI1 take care nobody waits 
 for me. [Exeunt federally. 
 
 ' SCENE II. A Room in the Nabob V Houft. 
 
 * Enter OATLAND dejefted, FRANK and JsssV 
 leading him. 
 
 Jejy. Be comforted, Father. 
 Oat, To fee thee brought to fervice ! (ftgbs). 
 Fve done this : I that fhould have 
 
 Frank. Never mind we be young and healthy, 
 &nd don't heed it do us, Jefiy ? ' 
 
 Oat. To be alham'd to look my own children 
 in the face! I, who ought to have been the fore- 
 horfe of the team, to be pull'd along through life 
 by this young tender thing ! 
 
 Jejy. Don't defpond, Father Sir Hubert will 
 fee your contrition, and reftore you to his favour. 
 
 Oat. When the hen fees the hawk ready to 
 pounce, fhe gathers her young ones under her 
 wing when misfortune hovers over my fweet 
 chicken here, I leave her to fhift for herfelf. " 
 Jejy. Come, no more of this. 
 Oat. Even the favage hawk takes care of its 
 rteftlings what then am I ?Children, do you 
 hate me ? 
 
 Frank. Hate thee ! pugh, Feyther, dan't thee 
 talk fo good bye to thee cheer up Thee has 
 long been a Feyther to me, now its, my turn, and 
 I'll be a Feyther to thee. 
 
 Oat. I cannot fpeak take care of my girl, 
 Frank, 
 
 Frank.
 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 49 
 
 Frank. Care of her ! though {he be a farvant, 
 let me catch any body flriking her, that's all, 
 Wellj Jeffy, v/e mun not be flieam'd -I know po,-, 
 verty be no fin, becaufe parfon faid fo laft Sunda^ 
 Talk of that I dp hear that your fweetheart, 
 Mr. Rapid, be worth fuch a defperate fight, of 
 money as never was ! 
 
 Jejfy (fighs). If fiis fortunes are fo profperous, 
 brother, he is exalted a^ove my hopes if his lieart 
 be mercenary, he is ^ funk below my withes. 
 Heigh-ho! yet he might have fent to know if I 
 were well, he might no matter! 
 
 Frank. He be coming to Neabob's here, on a 
 vifitation. 
 
 Jeffy. Ah ! coming here ! 
 Frank. Ees and Mr. Bronze do fay while he 
 be here I am to be his farving man. 
 JeJJy. You his fervant ! (weeps}. 
 Frank. Don't thee cry, Jeffy ! 
 Je/y (recovering berfelf). I won't; it was 
 ^eak, it was wrong. Frank, be fure you conceal 
 from Mr. Rapid who you are I have reafons for 
 it.~Edward here! when we meet it will be a 
 hard trial. Yet why Ihould I'dread it ? let perfidy 
 and pride flirlnk abaOi'd, virtuous integrity will 
 fupport me. 
 
 Frank. That*s right, JefiTy, mew a proper fpirit 
 Ecod, if he were to pull out his purle and to 
 offer to make thee a prefent of five guineas, clan't 
 thee take it. (JESSY Jmiles dejettedly.) Here be 
 thy new miftrefs. 
 Jeffy. Leave me. 
 
 Frank. Doft thou hear? Dom it, dan't thee 
 take it 1 [&/. 
 
 1 1 Enter
 
 50. A CURE FOR THE HEART- 
 
 Enter Mifs VORTEX. 
 
 Mifs Vor. Oh ! my new attendant, I fuppofc ! 
 tVhat's your name, child ? 
 
 Je/y. Jefly Oatland, Madam. 
 
 Mifs Vor. Well, Oatland, (taking out her glafsj 
 look at me. Umph not at all contemptible. 
 That's a charming nofegay f JESSY prefents it} 
 all exotics, I declare. 
 
 Jeffy. No, madam, neglected wild flowers I 
 took them from their bed of weeds, beftowed care 
 on their culture, and, by tranfplanting them to a 
 more genial foil, they have flourifhed with luxu- 
 riant ftrength and beauty. 
 
 Mifs Vor. A pretty amufement. 
 
 Jejfy. And it feem'd, madam, to convey this 
 leffon Not to defpife the lowly mind, but rather, 
 with foftering hand, to draw it from its chill ob- 
 fcurity, that, like thefe humble flowers, it might 
 grow rich in worth and native energy. 
 
 Mifs Vor. Oh! (afide)^ mind energy! 
 What's the matter with the poor girl, I wonder ! 
 uncommon odd ! I hear, Oatland, you are reduced 
 in your circumftances. 
 
 JeJJy. Yes, madam. 
 
 Mifs Vor. That's very lucky, becaufe it will 
 make you humble, child ! Well, and what are 
 your qualifications ? 
 
 Je/y. Cheerful induftry, madam. I can read 
 to you, write for you, or converfe 
 
 Mifs Vor. Converfe with me ! I dare fay you 
 can. No, thank you, child inftead of my liften- 
 .ing to your voice, you will be polite enough to 
 be as filenc as convenient, and do me the honour of 
 liftening to mine. Oh ! hei comes Mr. Rapid.
 
 A CURE FOR. THE HEART-ACHB- 5* 
 
 Je/y. Ah ! (in great agitation) ; May I retire, 
 madam ? 
 
 Mifs For. Yes j I (hall follow to drcfa. No, ftay. 
 Yes, you may go. 
 
 Je/y. Oh, thank you! thank you, dear madam! 
 [Exii, with rapidity. 
 
 Mifs For. That poor girl appears to me rather 
 crazy. 
 
 Enter OLD and YOUNG RAPID, and VORTEX. 
 
 Mifs Vor. Welcome to Bangalore Hall, gen- 
 tlemen. 
 
 T. Rap. Charming houfe! plenty of room. ~ 
 (Runs about and looks at every tbing.) 
 
 O. Rap. A very fpacious apartment, indeed. 
 
 Vortex. Yes, fir j but I declare I forgot the dU 
 menfions of this room. 
 
 O. Rap. Sir, if you pleafe, I'll meafure it my 
 cane is exactly a yard, good honefl meafure 'tis 
 handy and that mark is the half yard, and 
 
 T. Rap. (Overbears^ andjnatches the cane from 
 bim). Confound it ! The pictures, father look 
 at the pictures (pointing with the cane)\ did you 
 ever fee fuch charming 
 
 Mifs For. Do you like pictures ? 
 
 T. Rap. Exceedingly, ma'am ; but I fhould 
 like them a great deal better if they juft moved a 
 little. 
 
 Mifs For. Ha ! ha ! I muft retire to drefs till 
 dinner, gentlemen, adieu. [Exit. 
 
 T. Rap. (to his Father). Zounds ! you'll ruin 
 every thing ! Can't you keep the taylor under. 
 
 Vortex. Your fan feems rather impatient. 
 
 O. Rap. Very, fiiw-always was. I remember 
 a certain Duke 
 
 6 T. Rap.
 
 M A CURJB FOR. THE HEART-ACHB. 
 
 /- T. Rap< "That's right, lay the fcene high, pulh 
 the Duke pufh him as far as he'll go. 
 
 O. Rap- I will, I will. I remember a certain 
 Duke ufed to fay, Mr. Rapid, your fon is as iharp 
 as a needle. J C 
 
 T. Rap. At it again ! 
 
 O. Rap. Asa needle '>'] X 
 
 T. Rap. (interrupting him}. Is true to the pole. 
 As a needle is true to the pole, fays the Dukej 
 fo will your fon, fays the Duke, be to every thing 
 Spirited and falhionable, fays the Duke. Am I al- 
 ways to be tortur'd with your infernal needles ? 
 (afide to OLD RAPID*) 
 
 Vortex. Now to found them. I hear, gentlemen, 
 your bufmefs in this part of the country is with Sir 
 Hpbert Stanley, refpecting fome money tranfactions. 
 
 O. Rap. 'Tis a fecret, fir. 
 -Vortex. -Oh ! -no the Baronet avows his wifh to 
 fell his eftate. \ 
 
 O_. Rap. Oh ! that alters the cafe. 
 
 Vortex. I think it would be a defirable purchafc 
 for you I fhould be happy in fuch neighbours 
 and if you Hiould want forty or fifty thoufand, 
 ready money, I'll fupply it with pleafure. 
 
 O. Rap. Olv, Sir, how kind ! If my fon wifhes 
 to purohafe, I would rather leave it entirely to 
 him. 
 
 T. Rap. And I would rather' leave- it entirely to 
 you. 
 
 Vortex. Very well, I'll propofe for it. (nfide) 
 This will cut Sir Hubert to the foul. There is a 
 very defirable borough intereft then you could fie 
 in Parliament. 
 
 T. Rap. I .in Parliament ? ha! ha! 
 
 O. Rap. No; that would be a botch. 
 
 r. Rap.
 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 5J 
 
 T. Rap. No, no, I was 'once in the gallery- 
 crammed in no moving expelled to hear the- 
 great guns up got a Iktle fellow, nobody knew 
 who, gave us a three hours' fpeech I got dev'lifi 
 fidgetty the Houfe called for the queftion, 1 
 join'd the cry ce The queftion, the queftion/' 
 fays I. A Member fpied me -clear'd the gallery 
 got huftl'd by my brother fpeclators obliged to 
 feud Oh! it would never do for me. 
 
 Vortex. But you muft learn patience. 
 
 T. Rap. Then make me Speakerif that 
 wou'dn't teach me patience, nothing would. 
 
 Vortex. Do you diflike, fir, Parliamentary elo- 
 quence ? 
 
 O. Rap. Sir, I never heard one of your real, 
 downright Parliament fpeeches in my life never 
 (yawns). 
 
 T. Rap. By your yawning I fhou'd think you 
 had heard a great many. 
 
 Vortex. Oh, how lucky ! At laft I (hall get my 
 dear fpeech fpoken. Sir, I am a Member, and I 
 mean to 
 
 T. Rap. Keep moving. 
 
 Vortex. Why, I mean to fpeak, I aflfure you; 
 and 
 
 T. Rap. Pufh on, then. 
 
 Vortex. What, fpeak my fpeech ? That I will 
 I'll fpeak it. 
 
 T. Rap. Oh, the devil ! Don't yawn fo (to 
 OLD RAPID). 
 
 O. Rap, I never get a comfortable nap, never ! 
 
 T. Rap. You have a dev'lifh good chance now 
 Confound all fpeeches. Oh! 
 
 Vortex. Pray be feated (they fit on each Ji'de 
 VORTEX). Now we'll fuppofe that the chair 
 (pointing to a chair) 
 
 E . 0, Rap:
 
 54 A CURE FOR THE HEART- ACHE. 
 
 O. Rap. Suppofe it the chair ! why it is a chair, 
 
 an'tit? 
 
 Vortex. Pfhaw ! I mean 
 
 T. Rap. He knows what you mean- 'tis his 
 humour. 
 
 Vortex. Oh, he's witty ! 
 
 T. Rap. Oh, remarkably brilliant indeed! 
 (fignificantly to bis Father). 
 
 Vortex. What, you are a wit, fir! 
 
 O. Rap. A what? Yes, I am I am a wit. 
 
 Vertex. Well, now I'll begin. Oh, what a de- 
 licious moment! The Houfe when they approve 
 cry, " Hear him! hear him !" I only give you a 
 hint in cafe any thing fhould ftrike 
 
 T. Rap. Pufh on. I can never ftand it 
 (af.de). 
 
 Cortex. Now I fljall charm them (addrejfes 
 the chair). "Sir, Had I met your eye at an earlier 
 hour, I fhould not have blink'd the prefent quef- 
 tion but having caught what has fallen from the 
 other fide, I (hall fcout the idea of going over the 
 ufual ground." What! no applaufe yet r (afide. , 
 During this OLD RAPID has fallen ajleep^ and 
 YOUNG RAPID, after Jbewing great fretfulnefs 
 and impatience, runs to the back Jcene, throws up 
 the window^ and looks out). " But I lhall proceed, 
 and,I trull:, without interruption" (turns round and 
 fees OLD RAPID ajleep). 
 
 Cortex. Upon my foul, this is What do you 
 mean, fir?~(RAPiD awakes.) 
 
 O. Rap. What's the matter ? -Hear him ! hear 
 him ! 
 
 Vortex. Pray, fir, don't you blufh(7^j YOUNG 
 RAPID at the window). -What the devil ! 
 
 T. Rap.
 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 55 
 
 T. Rap. (looking round}. Hear him ! hear 
 him! 
 
 Vortex. By the foul of Cicero, 'tis too much. 
 
 O. Rap. Oh, Neddy, for fliame of yourfelf to 
 fall afleep ! I mean to look out of the window 
 I am very forry, fir, any thing fliould go acrofs the 
 grain. I fay, Ned, fmooth him down 1 
 
 r. Rap. I will What the devil fhall I fay ? 
 The fadl is, fir, I heard a cry of fire upon the 
 the the water, and 
 
 Vortex. Well, well But do you wi(h to hear 
 the end of my fpeech ? 
 
 T. Rap. Upon my honour, I do. 
 
 Vortex. Then we'll only fuppofe this little in- 
 terruption a meffage from the Lords, or fomething 
 of that fart. (They fit, YOUNG RAPID fretful.) 
 
 Vortex. Where did I leave off? 
 
 T. Rap. Oh ! I recoiled } at" I therefore 
 briefly conclude with moving an Adjournment" 
 (rifmg). 
 
 Vortex. Nonfenfe ! ho fuch thing (putting bint 
 down in tbe chair). Oh ! I remember ! " I fhall 
 therefore proceed, and, I truft,without interruption--" 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Serv. Dinner's on the table, fir. 
 
 Vortex. Get out of the room, you villain ! 
 <r Without interruption " 
 
 Serv. I fay, fir 
 
 T. Rap. Hear him ! hear him ! 
 
 Serv. Dinner is waiting. 
 
 T. Rap. (jumping up). Dinner waiting ! Come 
 along, fir. 
 
 Vortex. Never mind the dinner. 
 
 T. Rap. But I like it fmoking. 
 
 O. Rap. So do I Be it ever fo little, let me 
 have it hot. 
 
 2 Vortex.
 
 cfi A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 
 
 Vortex. Won't you hear my fpeech ? 
 
 T. Rap. To be fure we will but now to din- 
 ner. Come, we'll move together Capital fpeech! 
 
 Pufh on, fir Come along, dad Pufh him on, 
 
 dad. [Exeunt, forcing VORTEX out. 
 
 SCENE III. An ancient Hall. 
 
 Enter Sir HUBERT, leaning on CHARLES STANLEY. 
 
 Charles. Take comfort, fir. 
 Sir Hub. Where (hall I find it, boy ? To live 
 on my eftate, is ruin to part with it, death. My 
 heart is twin'd round it. I've been the patriarch 
 of my tribe the fcourge of the aggreffbr the pro- 
 tector of the injur'd ! Can I forego thefe digni- 
 ties ? My old grey-headed fervants, too, whofe 
 only remaining hope is to lay their bones near their 
 lov'd matter, how (hall I part with them ? I prate, 
 boy, but 'tis the privilege of thefe white hairs. 
 Charles. Oh ! fay on, fir. 
 Sir Hub. All! all is dear to me! thefe warlike 
 trophies of my anceftors ! Charles, thou fee'ft 
 that goodly oak, 'twas planted at my birth 
 Would'ft thou think it ? In the late hurricane, when 
 the tempeft humbled with the duft the proudeft of 
 the foreft, it bravely met the driving blaft my 
 people, with fhouts of joy, hail'd the aufpicious 
 omen, and augur'd from it profperity to me and 
 mine. Fondly I believ'd it fondly I thought it. 
 Fie ! fie ! I doat 
 
 Charles. My Father, I doubt not but they au- 
 gur'd truly. I muft to the adive world. Why 
 fhould I fear that the virtue and independence you 
 have infpir'd 
 
 Sir
 
 . A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 5.7 
 
 Sir Hub. Ah, boy ! but while licentioufnefs and 
 party zeal command the choiceft gifts of fortune, 
 virtue and genius mull be content with their leav- 
 ings. 
 
 Enter Servant delivers a Letter to Sir HUBERT, 
 who reads it with great agitation. 
 
 Charles. Ah ! what is it fhakes you, fir ? That 
 letter ! 
 
 Sir Hub. Nothing, my dear boy ! 'tis infirmity ! 
 I fhall foon be better. 
 
 Charles. Excufe me, dear fir (takes the letter, 
 and reads). " Mr. Vortex, at the requeft of Mr. 
 <f Rapid, informs Sir Hubert Stanley, it is incon- 
 <c venient for him to advance more money on 
 " mortgage. Mr. Vortex laments Sir Hubert's 
 Cf pecuniary embarraffiments" damnation ! tf to 
 tc relieve which, he will purchafe the caftle and 
 cf eftate." Sooner (hall its maffy ruins crumble me 
 to duft. Don't defpond, my Father : bear up ! 
 
 Enter FRANK, running his face bloody. 
 
 Frank. Oh Sir ! At Neabob's table they've 
 been fo abufing your father ! 
 
 Charles. Ah? 
 
 Frank. And I've been fighting- 
 
 Charles. Hufh ! 
 
 Sir Hub. What's his bufmefs ? 
 
 Charles. Oh, fir! (concealing his agitation) My 
 friend Frank confults me on a love affair \ and I 
 mufl not betray his confidence. In his hurry he 
 fell. Wasn't it fo (fignificantly) ? 
 
 Frank. Ees, fur, ces. 
 
 Sir Hub. You are not hurt, -young man ? 
 
 Frank. No, fur. Thank heaven ! my head be a 
 pure hard one. 
 
 Charles. Within ! (Enter two Servants) ^Attend 
 my Father. 
 
 E 3 Sir
 
 *8 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE*. 
 
 Sir Hub. My boy, don't ftay from me long, 
 [Exit, leaning on Servants, 
 
 Charles. Now, good Frank, cafe my tortur'd 
 mind. What of my father ? 
 
 Frank. Why, your honour, Mr. Bronze came 
 laughing out of dining-room, and fays, " Daame, 
 how the old Baronet has beer) roafted." So, fur, 
 I not knowing what they could mean by roafti ^ a 
 Chriftian, axed. *< Why," fays he, grinning, 
 " they voted, that it was a pity the dignity of the 
 bloody hand interfer'd, or the o ] d beggar might fet 
 up a ftiop." 
 
 Charles. What!. 
 
 Frank. The old beggar might fet up a (hop. 
 
 Charles. Unmanner'd, cowardly babblers ! 
 
 Frank. And that you, fur, would make a dapper 
 'prentice. 
 
 Charles. I heed not that. But, when I forgive a 
 father's wrongs 
 
 Frank. So fays I, Dorhme, if young 'fquire 
 had been among them, he would have knocked all 
 their heads together. Now wouldn't you, fur, 
 have knock'd their heads together ? Then they all 
 laugh'd at me : which fomehow made all the blood 
 in my body come into my knuckles. So fays 1, 
 " Mr. Bronze, fuppofe a cafe -fuppofe me young 
 'fquire Stanley now, fay that again about his ho- 
 nour'd' father." So he did j and I lent him fuch a 
 drive o'the feace-and I was knocking all their 
 heads together pretty tightifh till the cook bid me 
 6at wi' the poker : then they all fell upon me -, and 
 when I could fight no longer, I fell a crying, and 
 run to tell your honour. 
 
 Charles. Thanks, my affc&ianate lad ! -Return 
 "to the Nabob's to-day. 
 
 Frank. 1 be fartain I Hull never do any good 
 ihere. 
 
 Charles.
 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 59 
 
 Charles. To-morrow you (hall live with me. 
 I (hall difmifs all my fervants my circumftances 
 require it. 
 
 Frank. What! all but me! What! I do all 
 the work ? Lord, Lord, how glad 1 be, fur, you 
 can't afford to keep any body but I. 
 
 Charles. Good Frank, farewell ! Hold here 
 (prefenting a purfe). 
 
 Frank (refufmg). Nay, prayee, fur, dan't you 
 beheavc unkind to me I be a poor lad, that do 
 vvor(hip and love you not a fpy for the lucre Of 
 gain pray uie me kindly, and don't gi' me a 
 farding. 
 
 Charles. Frank, I beg your pardon. Farewell ! 
 
 Frank. Lord, how glad I be he can only afford 
 to keep I. [Exit. 
 
 Charles. Infult my father ! unmanly villain ! 
 whoe'er thou art, thy life (hall anfwer it ! [Exit. 
 
 - . ''4 . ?. rl e , 
 
 ' ,. j j: 7 r.^.1 .:.:* ?! '. 
 
 i . ti .; '!_ ,:;.- j-i ;) i^' >i f v 
 
 E0 OF THE THIRD ACT. 
 
 .;.!( r::;.l^u:;: q 
 '"'/ C!7.-K 0*-i::oT^ \/\ ' 
 
 E4
 
 6O A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE* 
 
 ACT IV. 
 
 SCENE I. Enter VORTEX, in great terror, 
 reading a Letter. 
 
 Vortex. Dear me ! here's a terrible affair! (reads) 
 " Give me up the author of the (lander on my 
 father" that was myfelf 1 never can find in my 
 heart to give myfelf up" or perfonally anfwer the 
 <c confequences CHARLES STANLEY." Oh dear I 
 flnce I find my words are taken down, I muft be 
 more parliamentary in my language. What ftiall 
 I do ? I can't fight my poor head won't bear it 
 it might be the death of me. 
 
 T. Rap. (without). Huzza, my fine fellows ! 
 Bravo ! 
 
 Vortex. Eh ! egad, a fine thought. Young 
 Rapid is loaded muzzle high with Champaigne 
 I'll tell him he faid the words, and make him own 
 them. I've perfuaded him into a marriage with 
 my daughter : after that, the devil's in't if I can't 
 perfuade him into a duel. 
 
 . Enter YOUNG RAPID (ti$fy\* 
 
 T. Rap. Here I am, tip- top fpirits ripe for any 
 thing. 
 
 Vortex. How did you like my Champaigne ? 
 
 T. Rap. Oh ! fuks me exactly ; a man is fuch 
 a damn'd long while getting tipfy with other wine 
 Champaigne fettles the bufmefs dire&ly it has 
 made me 
 
 Vortex. Lively, I fee. 
 
 T. Rap.
 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 6l 
 
 T. Rap. Lively it has made me like a fky- 
 rocket. Well, how did 1 behave ? Quite eafy, 
 wasn't I ? Pufli'd on at every thing barr'd 
 profing. Jolly dogs within the fatparfon's a fine 
 fellow kept the bottle moving faid a nice fhort 
 grace. 
 
 Vortex. Well, and did you lofe at play the five 
 hundred pounds I lent you ? 
 
 Y. Rap. As eafy as could be. 
 
 Vortex. That was lucky. 
 
 Y. Rap. Very particularly for thofe who won 
 it. 
 
 Vortex. Well, now you'll do. 
 
 Y. Rap. Huzza ! I'm a finifh'd man (Jtagger- 
 tngy andftrutting about}. 
 
 Vortex. You only want a quarrel to make you 
 
 Y. Rap. A what? A quarrel. Damme, I'll 
 fettle that in two minutes (running off}. 
 
 Vortex. Stop. You need not go out of the room 
 for that. 
 
 Y. Rap. What ! will you quarrel with me, eh ? 
 With all my heart. 
 
 Vortex. Me ! Oh no ! I fay I could get you 
 fuch fame 
 
 Y. Rap. How, my dear fellow ? Dafh on. 
 
 Vortex. Why, at dinner you reflected on the 
 Baronet. 
 
 Y. Rap. No, it was you. 
 
 Vortex. No, not I. 
 
 Y. Rap. Yes, it was you. 
 
 Vortex. Well, it might be I* but I don't fay it 
 was 
 
 Y. Rap. I do. Pufh on. 
 
 Vortex. Young Stanley has demanded the au- 
 thor Now, if you were to own the words how 
 the news-papers would teem with " The elegant 
 
 Chark$
 
 562 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 
 
 .Charles Stanley was called -out by the dalhing 
 Young Rapid about fome trifle" 
 
 Y. Rap- Bravo ! 
 
 Vertex. Any thing does for a duel now-a-days 
 the jength of a dancer's great toean election leg 
 of mutton and trimmings. 
 
 T. Rap. Say no more I'll da it. By heavens, 
 no man of fadiion (hall be more infamous I meai>, 
 more famous. I'll go write to him directly. 
 
 Vortex. Firft take another bottle of Champaigne. 
 You can't think what a free dafhing ftile it will give 
 you. 
 
 T. Rap. I will (going returns). No, I can't 
 take up this quarrel. 
 
 Vortex. Oh dear! Why not ? {alarmed). ,^*i . 
 
 T. Rap. Becaufe Pm fure I'm depriving you of 
 a pleafure. 
 
 Vortex. Oh, don't mind me 1 I give it you, to 
 fhevy rny regard for you. Indeed, I've had fo much 
 fighting in my time, that with me it really .ceafes to 
 be a pleafure the fweeteft things will cloy fb the 
 quarrel's yours I walh my hands of it. 
 i Y, Rapid. You're a damn'd good -hearted, gene- 
 rous fellow ! 
 
 Vortex. Then you'll return triumphant,, and 
 marry my daughter. 
 
 Y. Rap. To be fure keep moving (going). 
 I hope he'll fight directly. Like a failor, I hate a 
 calm, particularly when an enemy's in fight. 
 Hold what muft we fight with ? I can fence. 
 
 Vortex. You have no objection to piftols and 
 bullets ? 
 
 Y. Rap. I like bullets they come fo quick. 
 But I muft pufh on the other bottle, and then 
 I'm a firft-rate fellow. Champaigne for ever! 
 
 [Exit. 
 *'**- Vortex.
 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACtffe. 63 
 
 Vortex. You (hall have my piftols they've never 
 been u fed. (Enter Mi fs VORTEX.) Here's policy. 
 *' Crown rr., lhadow me, with laurels." Oh my 
 dear, l'veatch;;Vd two fuch difficult points ! 
 
 Mifs Vor. How, my dear Nabob ? 
 
 Vortex. In the firft place, I've perfuaded Young 
 Rapid to marry you. 
 
 Mifs Vor. Was that fo difficult ? 
 
 Vortex. No, no, certainly. But the next will 
 delight you. Rapid is going to have an affair of 
 honour with Young Stanley. 
 
 Mifs Vor. A duel ! and about me ! 
 
 Vortex. Yes. (dfide) \ may as well tell her fo. 
 
 Mifs Vor. Charming! 
 
 Vortex. Now an't 1 a kind father, to fet two 
 young men fighting about you ? 
 
 Mifs Vor. Ah ! that is, indeed, acting like a 
 parent ! 
 
 Vortex. Egad, I muft look after Rapid, though. 
 
 Mifs Vor. But how did you manage it ? 
 
 Vortex. By policy, to be fure : for, as I obiervc 
 in my fpeech " Policy is " 
 
 Mifs Vor. And a very good obfervation it is. 
 
 Vortex. How do you know, till you hear it ?- 
 f< Policy" 
 
 Mifs Vor. But pray go to Mr. Rapid (pufoing 
 him off}. 
 
 Vortex. "Policy" 
 
 Mifs Vor. Nay, I mufl infift (Exit VORTEX.) 
 Oh delightful! Oatland! 
 
 Enter JESSY. 
 
 I'm in fuch uncommon fpirits, Oatland ! 
 
 JeJJy. May I inquire the caufe, madam ? 
 
 Mifs Vor. Certainly. A duel is going to be 
 fought about me.
 
 4 * CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 
 
 Je/y. A duel ! Horrible thought ! 
 
 Mifs Vor. Senfibility, I vow ! Too comic, a vaft 
 deal ! Ha ! ha ! cottage pathos cnuft proceed from 
 afource unknown to me, I'm fure ! 
 
 Je/y. It proceeds, madam, from the heart. 
 
 Mifs Vor. Umph ! Let me have no more of it 
 (jbaryfy). 
 
 Je/y. I beg your pardon I forgot the extent of 
 fcrvant's duty. I forgot that fervants have no 
 right to feel pleafure or pain, but as their employers 
 pleafe ; and that fupprefling the ienfibilities of Na- 
 ture is confider'd in their wages (farcaftically). 
 
 Mifs Vor. No doubt of it. That's fo very fen- 
 fibly obferv'd, that I'll forgive you, Oatland.-* 
 The pride of Young Stanley will be fo hum- 
 bled 
 
 Je/y. Is the fafety of that noble youth implicated ? 
 
 Mifs Vor. What ! A lover, I fuppofe came 
 to the farm, I warrant attended Mils Jefly in the 
 dairy ruffl'd the cream with his fighs talked of 
 Arcadia, and fipped butter-milk. Ha! ha! I 
 ihould not wonder, after what I've feen of his tafte 
 Yes, he is implicated I dare fay Mr. Rapid 
 will (going) 
 
 Je/y. Heavens ! Is Edward (catching bold of 
 a chair for Jup fort ) . 
 
 Mifs Vor. Edward ^. 
 
 Jeffy. I mean, madam, (trembling, and curtefy- 
 ing,} is Mr. Rapid's life involv'd? 
 
 Mifs Vor. Upon my honour, you feem to have 
 an uncommon fenfibility for all mankind ! Do you 
 mean to fit down in my prefence ? 
 
 [Exit Mifs VORTEX. 
 
 Je/y. No, madam ! (finks down in the chair). 
 Oh, Edward ! unkind as thou art, how gladly 
 would I refign my life, to fave thce ! (weeps.) 
 
 Enter
 
 A CURE FOR. THE HEAfcT-ACHE. 65 
 
 Enter ELLEN. 
 
 Ellen. In tears, JefTy ? Sweet girl, tell me - 
 JeJJy. Oh, madam ! the moft dreadful event is 
 about to take place. Mr. Stanley is engaged in a 
 duel with 
 
 Ellen. Forbid it, Heaven. Let us fly to hia 
 Father : he may prevent it. 
 
 JeJJy. Alas, madam ! I fear he regards not his 
 Father's injunctions. 
 
 Ellen. Not regard his Father \ who, child ? 
 Jejfy. Mr. Rapid, madam ! 
 Ellen. Mr. Rapid ? 
 JeJJy. Oh ! (biding her face). 
 Ellen. Is it fo, fweet Jefly ? But has he deferv'd 
 thy love ? Is he not unkind ? 
 
 Jejjy. Oh \ true, madam ! But is not his life in 
 danger ? 
 
 Ellen. We will not lofe a moment. Let us feek 
 Sir Hubert. 
 
 Jejjy. I'm very faint. 
 
 Ellen, I'll fupport thee; for in addition to the 
 opprefiion of our common grief, thou, fweet girl, 
 muft bear the agonifing weight of difappointed love. 
 Come, reft on my arm. 
 
 Jeffy. Oh, fuch kindncfs! I cannot fpeak 
 but indeed my heart feels it. 
 
 [Exeunt, ELLEN f up for ting JESSY. 
 
 SCENE II. Another Apartment i VORTEX** 
 Houjf. 
 
 JLnter YOUNG RAPID, followed by FRANK, wb* 
 carries Piftols, a Sword, and Champaigns. 
 
 T. Rap. Got the piftols, eh ? 
 Frank. Here they be (lays them down'). Your 
 Feather were axing for you, fur. 
 
 T. Rap.
 
 66 A, CURE FOR THE HEART 
 
 T. Rap. My father ! Should any thing happen? 
 when I reflect Reflect Zounds, that won't do. 
 Some Champaigne ! (fmging) " If a man can then 
 die much bolder with brandy" (drinks). I'll write 
 to him, however ; a few words on a fcrap of paper 
 may cheer him (takes a letter out of bis pocket, and 
 is about to tear a piece of it of}. What ! (reads} 
 " Dear Edward, your faithful Jefiy Oatland" 
 (ftrikesbis bead) Jetty Oatland ! What a fcoun- 
 drel I am ! (kiffes the letter). Oh, Jefly, what an 
 infernal pain at my heart ! More Champaigne ! 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 Servant. A letter, fir, from Young Stanley. 
 
 T. Rap. Then the die is caft. (Reads) " You 
 are a fcoundrel meet me immediately, or," Um, 
 um, a decifive fhort letter enough. Damn this 
 pain. Quick ! my piftols ! Take them to Stan- 
 ley Park : there wait for me. Oh, Jefly ! 
 
 Enter OLD RAPID, at tbe back Sane. 
 
 Frank. Ecod, he'll kill thee. I'll lay half-a- 
 crown 'Squire Stanley hits thee the firft (hot. 
 
 [Exit FRANK, with tbe piftols. 
 
 O. Rap. (coming forward). Piftols kill Stan- 
 ley ! Ned, tell me 
 
 T. Rap. (afide). My Father here. Oh, fir, 
 nothing, Come, drink. 
 
 O. Rap. Look at me. Ah, that agitation ! 
 Tell me the caufe ! A parent commands you. 
 Your old doating father intreats it ! 
 
 T. Rap. (ajide). I muft deceive him. Sir, I've 
 receiv'd an infult, that no gentleman of fafhion 
 can fubmit to. 
 
 O. Rap. Gentleman of fafhion ! Need a man 
 refent it ? 
 
 T. Rap. Read that letter, and judge. 
 
 O. Rap.
 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 67 
 
 O. Rap. Lack a day ! confider you're only a 
 taylor's Ton. (Reads) " You're a fcoundrel." 
 That's a hard word. 
 
 T. Rap. Wou'd you have me fubmit to be call'd 
 fcoundrel ? 
 
 O. Rap. No, I wou'dn't (with tears). Yes, 
 J wou'd. 
 
 T. Rap. Sir, you don't feel like a man. 
 O. Rap. I'm furel feel like a father! 
 T. Rap. Read on, fir. 
 
 O. Rap. (reads). " And unlefs" (wipes the tears 
 away,) " unlefs" I can't 
 
 T. Rap. (takes the letter and reads). " And unlefs 
 you immediately give me the fatisfa&ion of a 
 gentleman, expecl; the chaftifement due to a 
 coward." 
 
 O. Rap. Chaftifement! Chaftifement! Cow- 
 ard! (with irritation). We are flefh and blood, 
 Ned. 
 
 T. Rap. Wou'd you fee me fpurn'd ? 
 O. Rap. (emphatically i and running into his Son's 
 arms). No ! 
 
 T. Rap. Pray leave me, fir. 
 O. Rap. Where fharH go ? What {hall I do ? 
 What will become of me ? Oh, boy, try to 
 avoid it. Remember your old father, remember 
 his life hangs on your's. But, Ned don'c forget 
 you're a man ! 
 
 T. Rap. Pray leave me, fir. 
 
 O. Rap. \ will. Farewell, my dear boy, 'twill 
 
 break my old heart. But remember you're a 
 
 m a n , Ned . [ Exit. 
 
 T. Rap. (a'one). So, I'm proceeding full tilt to 
 
 murder; have planted a dagger in a kind father's 
 
 heart. But here goes (f Us wine throws away 
 
 tbe bottle and glafs) I ts pc wer is. gone. Oh thrs 
 
 15 infernal
 
 68 A CURE FOU THE HEART-ACHE. 
 
 infernal pain ! Could I with honour avoid ? but 
 (looking at the letter} Chaftifement ! Coward! 
 Damnation! I muft pufh on. Fool! Dolt! 
 Villain that I am ! [Exit. 
 
 SCENE III. A retired place in Stanley Park. 
 
 Enter Sir HUBERT STANLEY. 
 
 Sir Hub. What can it mean ? Charles parted 
 from me in an agony the ingenuoufnefs of his 
 nature had not art to conceal; he grafp'd my 
 hand, bade me farewell, as if it were for ever, 
 then broke away leaving me a prey to wild con- 
 jefture and defpair i foon (hall I be at peace, 
 infirmity, when goaded on by forrow, preffes to the 
 goal of life with doubled fpeed. Surely thro* that 
 laurel grove, I fee two female figures glide along j 
 my eyes are not of the beft, and the forrow I have 
 felt for my dear boy has not ftrengthened them ; 
 they approach; 
 
 Enter ELLEN and JESSY. 
 
 Ellen. Pardon, Sir Hubert, this intrufion! My 
 name, fir, is Ellen Vortex. 
 
 Sir Hub. Madam, I welcome you as my daugh- 
 ter. 
 
 Ellen. Oh, fir ! the urgency of the moment will 
 not allow me to thank fuch goodnefs as I ought j 
 your fon, fir 
 
 Sir Hub. Ah! What of him? 
 
 Ellen. I faw him paCs along, he fled from my 
 outftrech'd arms, he was deaf to my cries 5 e'en 
 now he's engaged in a duel. 
 
 Sir Hub. Ha ! (draws bis /word and is running 
 
 out, Daggers, drops hisJword.&LLm and JESSY. 
 
 6 Jupport
 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 6$ 
 
 fupport him.) My functions are fufpended ! Oh 
 nature ! doft thou defert me at this moment ? 
 Who is the villain that has caufed it ? 
 
 JeJJy. Ah, my poor Edward ! 
 
 Sir Hub. Oh that I could ru(h before my child, 
 and receive the fatal ball in this old broken heart ! 
 Perhaps dreadful thought ! e'en now the deadly 
 tube is levelled at his manly bread. {The report of a 
 pijlol is heard ELLEN finks into his arms.) Bear 
 up, I cannot fupport thee. (Another pijlol is dif- 
 charged) Horrible fufpenfe ! what a death-like 
 filence ! 
 
 Ellen. Death ! Oh, my adored Charles ! 
 
 JeJJy. Ah, my poor Edward ! 
 
 Frank (without). Huzza ! huzza ! (enters) 
 Huzza ! He's fafe he's fafe. 
 
 All. Who ? 
 
 Frank. 'Squire Charles, 'Squire Charles, 
 Huzza ! (Exit. Sir HUBERT folds bis hands on 
 his breaft infilent gratitude.') 
 
 JeJJy. Ah, my poor Edward ! 
 
 Ellen. Your fon is fafe ; heard you the words? 
 
 Sir Hub. They have fhot life thro' me. 
 
 Ellen. Jeffy! rejoice with me. (Seeing her de- 
 jefted) Wretch that I am, to forget thy forrows ! 
 Take comfort, fvveet girl ! perhaps 
 
 Enter OLD RAPID, capering. 
 
 O. Rap. Tol de rol lol Safe and found fafe 
 and found tol de rol lol. 
 
 JeJJy. Who? 
 
 O. Rap. My boy Neddy, mydarling Neddy, 
 fafe and found, tol de rol lol. (Sees Sir HUBERT, 
 and bows refpettfully. JESSY and ELLEN talk 
 apart.) 
 
 F Sir
 
 70 A CURE FOR 
 
 Sir Hub. So, Mr. Rapid ! How happened this, 
 fir? 
 
 O. Rap. Really, Sir Hubert, I don't underftand 
 the cut of itj all I can fay is, your fon's behaviour 
 was oh fuperfinej-i-when they had fired their 
 piftols they drew out their fwords, and your fon 
 difarm'd Neddy, and then he generoufly gave him 
 his fword again, which was extremely genteel, 
 for it was a brand new filver-hilted fword, and, I 
 fuppftfe, by the laws of honour, he might have 
 kept it. 
 
 Sir Hub. Mr. Rapid, why did you break your 
 appointment 2 
 
 O. Rap. Mr. Vortex, fir 
 
 "Sir Hid. Mr. Vortex. I fear your fon has fe- 
 lecled an imprudent preceptor. 
 
 0. Rap. Chofe a bad pattern you think, fir ? I 
 am afraid he has. 
 
 SirHub.-WM you, fir, favour me with a few 
 minutes converfation ? 
 
 O. Rap. You know, Sir Hubert, I'm your faith- 
 ful fervarit to command. : 
 
 Sir Hub. (to ELLEN). Come, let us to our hero. 
 Will you, fair creature, condelcend to be a crutch to 
 an bid man ? '{takes 'ELL'EN'S arm.) I fhall expect 
 you, fir. 
 
 Ellen. Jeffy ! 
 
 JeJJy. I follow, madam. : (Exeunt Sir HUBERT 
 and ELLEN.) Do'l addrefs the father of Mr. Rapid? 
 
 O. Rdp. You *do. pretty one ! 
 
 Jejy. (taking his hand and kiffmglt). I beg your 
 pardon; but are you lure your Ion's life is fafc 
 quite fafc ?-^ 
 
 O. Rap. Yes. ;A very charming girl, I declare ! 
 I JTJ very.rmich obhg"d to you^fur taking notice of 
 my Neddy ! Poor feiiow I nobody feem'd to care 
 
 what
 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 71 
 
 what became of him. I'm very much oblig'd. - 
 A fweet pretty-fpoken creature as ever I faw ! But 
 I muft away co the Nabob's, or I fhall be too late 
 for the wedding. 
 
 JeJJy. Wedding! whofe, fir? 
 
 O. Rap. Whofe ! why, my boy Neddy's with 
 Mifs Vortex, to be fure! 
 
 JeJJy. Married ! Edward married ! 'Tis too 
 much (leans on OLD RAPID forjupport). 
 
 O. Rap. Eh ! what ! fpeak- tell me ! 
 
 JeJJy. Oh, Edward ! is this the return for my 
 love ? Have I merited this cruel defertion ? 
 
 0. Rap. Defertion! What! has the rafcal 
 I fhall choak myfelf Has he behaved ill to fo 
 fweet a creature ? Your tears tell me fo. I'll kill 
 him. He's my own fon, and I have a right to do 
 it. Your name, your name ! pretty foul ! 
 
 JeJJy. Jefly Oatland. The indifcretion of my 
 Father has made me a fervant. 
 
 O. Rap. And ,the difcretion of his Father has 
 made him a gentleman But I'll make the rafcal 
 know you are not humbled by your Father's con- 
 duel, nor is he exalted by his, a villain ! Can he 
 hope to be call'd a man of honour for oppofing 
 his head to a piftol, while himfelf levels the (haft 
 of anguifh.at an innocent woman's heart ? But I'll 
 kill him, that's one comfort. Come with me, 
 fweet one ! 
 
 JeJJy. Sir, I muft attend my miftrefs I am fer- 
 vant .to his bride (weeps). 
 
 O. Rap. I Ihall go mad! Don't cry If he, by 
 marriage, won't make you my daughter -I, by 
 adoption, will. Good bye, fweet Jefly ! Oh, the 
 rafcal ! Cheer up ! The fcoundrel ! Pretty crea- 
 ture! The dog '.What a fhape ! I'll kill him I 
 
 [Exeunt Jev/srafy. 
 
 END OF THE FOURTH ACT. 
 F2
 
 72 A CURE FOR THE HEAR.T-ACHfi. 
 
 * > -^.If}"*. rl rr*o. - --- 
 
 ACT v. 
 
 SCENE I. RAPID difcovered, and Hair-dreJJer. 
 
 Rap. Difpatch ! Why don't you difpatch ? 
 
 H. D. Done in a moment, fir, pray keep your 
 head (till. 
 
 Rap. (jumping up). Oh, Jefiy Oatland ! 
 S'deatb have not you done? 
 
 //. D. Sit down, fir done in a moment. 
 
 Rap. Well, well; I'm as patient as (Sits 
 Enter FRANK at the door, RAPID jumps up and 
 runs to him). Well ! Speak quick ! 
 
 Frank. Sur I that is fhe no, I went 
 
 Rap. You tedious blockhead Is (he gone ? Is 
 Jefiy gone ? 
 
 Frank. Ees, fur. 
 
 Rap. What! left her Father's 1 Where is (he? 
 
 Frank. I don't know that is, I won't tell 
 
 . 
 
 Rap. What muft Ihe think me ? What I am 
 a rafcal. 
 
 H. D. Sit down, fir ; done in a moment. 
 Rap. Yes, yes j I am as calm as (fits). 
 
 Enter Servant. 
 
 What do you want ? (jumps up again). 
 _ Serv. Sir, my matter and Mils Vortex wait for 
 
 . 
 
 Rap. Aye, to fulfil that infernal marriage pro- 
 ipife. Oh, Jefiy ! (to FRANK; What are you at ? 
 
 Frank. Sur, I were only cwiddleing about my 
 thumbs. 
 
 Rap. You are always twiddling about your 
 
 thumbs.
 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE/ 73 
 
 thumbs. What (hall I do ? Go to them. No, I'll 
 write. I want to write. 
 
 Frank. Oh, you do ? 
 
 Rap. I tell you I want to write. 
 
 Frank. I'm fure I don't hinder you. 
 
 Rap. S'death! then don't (land there. 
 
 Frank. It be all the fame to me where I ftand 
 (moving to another place). 
 
 Rap. Thickhead,"bring pen and ink. 
 
 Frank. Why did not you tell I fo ? 
 
 [Exit, and returns with pens and ink. 
 
 Rap. Oh, this infernal pain ! A candle to feal 
 a letter (Exit FRANK, and returns with a candle). 
 Zounds ! it is not lighted ! 
 
 Frank. You didn't tell I to light it. 
 
 Rap. Was ever man plagu'cl with fuch a hol- 
 low-headed ninny-hammer. 
 
 Frank (afide). May be that be better than a 
 hollow-hearted one ! 
 
 Enter Servant, 
 
 Rap. (jumps up). Well ! 
 
 Serv. My mafter has fent you thofe parchments 
 to perufe. 
 
 Rap. (throwing them down). I wouldn't read 
 them for his eftate. 
 
 Serv. He will wait on you, fir, directly. 
 
 Rap. Begone all of you ! Stop ! (to FRANK.) 
 Give me my coat ! (FRANK helps him on with one 
 arm.) Bring the glafs ! (FRANK leaves him fo 9 
 and brings down a drejjing glafs.) Leave me, 
 dunderhead! {Exit FRANKS 
 
 Enter VORTEX. 
 
 Vortex. Bravo, my fine fellow ! You fougfc 
 nobly !I fay,- who fir'd firft ? 
 F 3
 
 74 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 
 
 Rap. Never mind, that's paft! 
 
 Vortex. Well, now I muft intruft you with a 
 little fecret (they fit}. 
 
 Rap. I have no objection to a little fecret. 
 
 Vortex. In the firft place, then, I'll read this 
 paper. 
 
 Rap. No; I'll read it I (hall read it much 
 quicker. (Reads) " Receiv'd of Mr. Vortex 
 the fum of five thoufand pounds, in confideration 
 of which I aflign over all my right and title to 
 hum, um, um< Signed, ELLEN VORTEX.^ 
 I underftand 
 
 Vortex. Now you muft know the father of my 
 niece 
 
 Rap. Jefify Oatland ! (in reverie.) 
 
 Vortex. No, her name is Ellen. 
 
 Rap. I know it, I know it I know it (fret- 
 
 fMy)- 
 
 Vortex. Her father died in India. 
 
 Rap. With all my heart. 
 
 Vortex. With al! your heart ! 
 
 Rap. Zounds ! keep moving, will you ? 
 
 Vortex. Yes, if you'll keep ftill. 
 
 Rap. Then be quick. 
 
 Vortex. Why I am quick, an't I ? Died in 
 India, and left her to my care. All was in-* '" 
 
 Rap. Confufion. 
 
 Vortex. You are right, all was in confuGon. 
 So I prevail'd on 
 
 kap. Jefly Oatland! 
 
 Vortex. No, no, Ellen to fign that paper; 
 fince which,, indeed, her affairs have turn'd out 
 pretty lucky. I purchas'd this eftate with her for- 
 tune, which will be your's, my bay! It was a very 
 fc u g bargain. 
 
 . What a'horrible thing is the gift of fpeech ! 
 
 Vortex.
 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 75 
 
 Vortex. Speech ! Did you fay any thing about 
 a fpeech ? Ah ! had you heard mine out. Do 
 you remember how it began ? " H*d I met your 
 eye at an earlier hour, Ifhould" (D^r/V/gVoRTEx'j 
 narration, RAPID, influenced by the moft fretful im - 
 patience, bos unconfcioufly bit, and torn to pieces, the 
 paper given him by VORTEX.) 
 
 Rap. (jumping up), S'death and fire! Is this 4 
 |ime for fpeeches ! Is not your daughter waiting ? 
 Is cot ? Oh, Jefly ! 
 
 Vortex. True, another opportunity ! But, oh ! 
 Vis a pretty fpeech. Well, nosy give me back 
 the paper. 
 
 Rap. The paper! 
 
 Vortex. Yes, now you haye thoroughly digefted 
 the contents of the paper, give it me again. 
 
 Rap. Oh ! the the the paper (fees it torn on 
 the ground). 
 
 Vortex. Yes; that precious fcrap that fecures 
 us a hundred thoufand pounds, you dog ! Come, 
 giye it me. 
 
 Rap. My dear fellow ! you gave me no paper. 
 
 Vortex. But I did, though. 
 
 Rap. Yes, you certain-ly did i but then you 
 you did not 
 
 Vortex. But I'll take my oath I did ! Come, 
 give it me directly ! You (fees the fragments on 
 the ground). Eh! what! No j yes. I'm un- 
 done, I'm ruin'd. -Oh, my head ! I'm going, 
 Tm going ! 
 
 Rap. Upon my foul I'm very forry, but- 
 
 Vortex. But what ? 
 
 Rap. That infernal fpeech ! 
 
 Vortex. Oh ! (looking at tbe f craps of paper) 
 
 Eh, but hold!-r-when he marries my daughter 
 
 F 4 he'll
 
 76 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 
 
 he'll keep the fecret for his own fake. Oh dear ! 
 I muft lofe no time. 
 
 Rap. I'm very forry; I'm fure if hearing your 
 fpeech will be any compenfatation (Jits down] 
 
 Vortex. No, no, not now come with me, all 
 the lawyers are waiting. Oh, pray come ! 
 
 Rap. I'm coming, but you're always in fuch a 
 hurry. 
 
 Vortex. I'll fend my daughter to him I muft 
 pufh him. Pray come direclly. [Exit in a hurry. 
 
 Rap. Upon my foul you'll break your neck, if 
 you hurry fo. Am I always to have this infernal 
 pain ? (goes up to the glafs). Behold a high- 
 finifhed rafcal at full length. Curfe me, if 1 can 
 look myfelf in the face. 
 
 r, ^^j. 3'h \* /g*n*ia<v> 9iij 
 
 Enter JESSY. 
 
 Jeffy (apart). There he (lands .! Now, heart, 
 be firm. Virtuous indignation, fupport me '.Sir, 
 my miftrefs waits for you. 
 
 Rap. Don't plague me about your miftrefs. I'll 
 come by and by. ('Turns round] Heaven and 
 Wl>, JeffyO.tl.nd I 
 
 JeJ/y. My miftrefs, fir, waits for you. 
 
 Rap. Your miftrefs ! A fervant ! Jefly Oat- 
 land a fervant! A fervant, to And I Jefly! 
 my life ! my foul ! will you forgive ? 
 
 Je/y. Wretch! 
 
 Rap. I am. I defpife myfelf. On my knees 
 only lifter* to me. 
 
 Enter Mifs VORTEX. 
 
 -,it i .uft>b 
 
 Mifs Vor. Mr. Rapid! 
 
 Raf. (jumping up). What's the matter? 
 
 Var. How can you debafe yourfelf to
 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART- ACHE. 77 
 
 JeJJy. How dare he debafe me, madam, by 
 offering to an honeft heart the affecYions of a vil- 
 lain? 
 
 MifsVor. Sir! 
 
 Rap, Madam! 
 
 Mifs Vor. (to JeJJy). Leave the room ! 
 .Je/y (apart}. Now, poor heart ! having pafs'd 
 thy pride's probation, retire to a corner, and break 
 with weeping. [#/'/. 
 
 Mifs Vor. Sir ! what am I to underftand ? 
 
 Rap. That I'm crazy. 
 
 Mifs Vor. Have I deferv'd intuit ? 
 
 Rap. Upon my foul, I don't mean to infult you 
 I alk your pardon upon my knees (kneels). 
 
 Frank. You, fur ! 
 
 Rap (jumping up). What's the matter ? 
 
 Mifs Vor. Well, I'll forgive you, if you'll come 
 directly. [RAPID nods, and Jhe exits. 
 
 Rap. What do you want ? 
 
 Frank. You be's a delperate villain ! (RAPID 
 going to ftrike.} Come, dan't you do that it 
 won't do. Poor filter ! If you had drawn a harrow 
 acrofs her heart, you could not have hurt her fo. 
 
 Rap. Damn't I know nothing of your fitter ! 
 Who the devil is your fifter? you 
 
 Frank. Why ! Jefly Oatland ! 
 
 Rap. What ! your fifter the brother of Jefiy 
 my fervant ? Damnation ! why did not you teJl 
 rue fo ? To raife my hand againft the brother of 
 Jefly ?* I fhall go mad ! Frank, will you forgive 
 me ? I love Jefly by my foul I do ! And may 
 heaven defert me, '^'(kneels') . 
 
 Enter VORTEX. 
 
 Vortex. Heyday ! 
 
 Rap.
 
 ^8. A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 
 
 Rap, 'jumping up). What's the matter ? 
 
 Vortex (to Frank). Leave the room ! [Exit 
 FRANK.) Iniult upon infult! What fatisfa&ion 
 
 Rap. I know what you want. Come along; 
 I'll fight you dire&ly. 
 
 Vortex. Fight! Ncnfenfe. 
 
 Rap. Then I'll afk your pardon. 
 
 Vortex. But what the devil's the meaning of all 
 this ? 
 
 Rap. Why, don't you fee I'm mad ? Stark 
 flaring mad ! 
 
 Enter YOUNG STANLEY. 
 
 Stanley. Mr. Rapid ! 
 
 Rap. (jumping round). What do you want ? 
 
 Vortex. Oh ! Lord, how fierce Stanley looks at 
 me. Pray come, Mr. Rapid. (To STANLEY) 
 Sir, your mod obedient ! [*//, running. 
 
 Rap. That little fellow will break his neck to a 
 certainty. 
 
 Stanley. I have juft feen a lovely girl that you 
 have wrong'd. 
 
 Rap, I know I have; and I'll fight you again, 
 if you like it. 
 
 'Stanley. Could the refult benefit Jeffy Oatland, 
 I would accept your invitation. 
 
 Rap. The fad is, I am the moft unhappy the 
 What do you charge for {hooting a man ? I'll 
 give you a thoufand to blow my brains out. I'm 
 the moft miferable dog, Pray, fir, will you tell 
 me one thing ? Are you a man of fafliion ? 
 Stanley. 1 truft I'm a gentleman. 
 Rap. That's pretty much the fame thing->-an't 
 it, fir ? 
 
 Stanley. It ought to be. 
 
 Rap. Pray, fir, how did you become a gentle- 
 man ? 
 
 Stanley.
 
 A CURE FOR. THE HEART-ACHE. J^ 
 
 Stanley. Simply, by never committing an adioa 
 that would not bear reflection. 
 
 Rap. Can I be a gentleman, and an honeft man ? 
 
 Stanley. Can you be a gentleman, and not an 
 honeft man ? 
 
 Rap. Pray, fir* have you always an infernal 
 pain at your heart ? 
 
 Stanley. No, fir. 
 
 Rap. No! Huzza 1 ! Thank you ! By heaven 
 I'll Now don't hurry yourfelf. If I don't, may 
 \ (walks about'}. 
 
 Stanley. Ah ! Mr. Rapid, how different are our 
 fituations ! You, poffeffing the love of a moft 
 charming and fafcinating girl, dafh the cup of hap- 
 pinefs away. 
 
 Rap. May be not, my dear fellow ! Pufh on. 
 
 Stanley. I, poffeffing the heart of my dear Ellen, 
 am miferable j becaufe, on account of the narrow- 
 nefs of her fortune, fhe compels me to abandon 
 her. 
 
 Rap. What! The narrownefs of her fortune 
 compels 
 
 Stanley. Yes ! I fay 
 
 Rap. No ! Don't fay it again. Don't defpair, 
 that's all (nodding). 
 
 Stanley. She has given a fatal paper. 
 
 Rap. A paper ! Yes, I know, I know. 
 
 Stanley. And I'm come to take leave of her. 
 
 Rap. No, you are not ! I'll fhow you fueh a 
 fcene. Nay, don't afk me any queftions follow 
 me, that's all. Wait at the door; and when I cry, 
 Hem ! come in. But don't be in fuch a hurry. 
 By heavens, the pain in my fide is better already ! 
 Huzza! Come along ! (Going, returns, and runs 
 to the glajsy and nods.) How do you do ? How do 
 you do ? What ! you rafcal ! yod can grin again, can 
 
 you ?
 
 80 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 
 
 you ? Come along ; but don't hurry ; becaufe, my 
 
 dear fellow ! 'tis impoflible to do any thing well in a 
 
 hurry. Come along ! but, zounds ! never hurry. 
 
 [Exeunt, RAPID f peaking very quick. 
 
 SCENE II. Another Apartment in VORTEX'.* 
 Houfe. 
 
 Enter JESSY and FRANK, 
 
 Frank. How bee'ft thee now, Jefiy ? 
 
 JeJJy. Better. Quite recover'd. What pafs'd 
 between you and Edward ? 
 
 Frank. Why, at firft, he were in a defperate paf- 
 fion ; but when I told him I were thy brother, he 
 were fo humble, and did ax I Co to forgive un, 
 that I could fay no more to un. Dom it, I could 
 not hit him, when he were down ; and I've a notion 
 his confcience was pegging him about pretty 
 tightifh. He fwear'd he did love thee ! 
 
 JeJJy. Did he, Frank ? Did he fay he lov'd me ? 
 
 Enter Mr. andMik VORTEX. 
 
 Mifs Vor: What ! torn the paper ! A hot- 
 headed -only wait till he's my hufband--- 
 
 Vortex. Egad, I wifh he would come, tho' 
 
 Mifs for. Oh ! here he is. 
 
 Je/fy. How my poor frame trembles ! 
 
 Mifs Vor. I vow I feel uncommon difcompos'd 
 Oatland ! your arm, child ! (leans on JESSY). 
 
 Enter YOUNG RAPID. 
 
 T. Rap. Heavens, how interefting ! the languor 
 of thole lovely eyes 
 
 Mifs Vor. Flattering creature! 
 
 T. Rap. My fenfes are reftor'd. Oh, will you 
 pardon will you again receive a heart full of love 
 and adoration ? -
 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 8 I 
 
 Mijs For, What fhall I do ? I mufl pardon 
 him; (Mifs VORTEX is preparing tofpeak.) 
 
 Jejfy. Edward ! what Ihall 1 fay ? your love has 
 been too long my joy, my pride, to be torn from 
 my heart without many a bitter wound j ( Mifs 
 VORTEX with furprize and chagrin withdraws her 
 armfrom]ESSY',) but your late conduct has been 
 
 T. Rap. Deteftable ? But I'm pardon'd, your 
 eyes tell me fo. Thanks, my angel ! (running to 
 her and kneeling.) I'm fo opprels'd with joy. 
 Ma'am, will you have the goodnefs to help me 
 up? 
 
 Mifs For. Help you up ! 
 
 Frank. He ! he ! he ! Gi' me a bufs, Jefly ! 
 he ! he ! thee be's a domn'd honeft fellow! {{bak- 
 ing RAPID'.* band.) I'll run and tell poor Feyther. 
 Now I (hall have a farm of my, own ! (capering 
 and Jnapping his finders.) Dong it, how 1 will 
 work. He ! he 1 he ! [Exit. 
 
 Mifs Vor. To be us'd fo twice in one day ! it is 
 not to be borne. Nabob ! won't you fight him ? 
 
 Vortex. No, not I. 
 
 Mifs Vor. Coward ! 
 
 Vortex. You'd better be quiet, or I'll convince 
 you I'm none, however. 
 
 Mifs Vor. He ! he ! I declare it is fo uncom- 
 mon ridiculous ! fo comic ! He ! he ! I'm quite 
 faint with laughing. 
 
 Jc/y. Shall I affift you ? 
 
 Mifs Vor. No! (refentfully .) I muft retire, or 
 I (hall expire with laughing ! he ! he ! Oh ! 
 
 [Exit, crying, 
 
 f -;V/ . Enter ELLEN. 
 
 Ellen. Heaven ! what's the matter ? 
 
 T. Rap.
 
 g., A CUR* ?OR THE H* A*T-ACHE. 
 
 T. 'Rap. Allow me to introduce Mrs. Rapid, 
 madam. 
 
 Ellen. Sweet Jefly ! Sir, I thank you for giving 
 my heart a pleafurable fenfation, which I thought 
 it had for ever taken leave of. 
 
 T. Rap. Blefs your heart ! perhaps I may tickle 
 it up a little more. (To VORTEX) Now, (land out 
 of the way, will you ? 
 
 V-ort.ex. You're quite free and eafy. 
 
 T. Rap. My way. 
 
 Vortex. -You forget 'tis my houfe. 
 
 T. Rap. No, I don't j you bought it with her 
 money, you know. 
 
 Vortex. Umh ! 
 
 T. Rap. Mum, now for young Stanley's cue. 
 (To ELLENT) Ton my honour, ma'am, any man 
 mr2,ht be proud to Hem He doesn't hear me 
 Such beuuty ! fuch a fhape ! fuch a Hem 
 
 Enter CHARLES STANLEY. 
 
 Vortex. Zounds ! he's here again (getting. behind 
 YOUNG RAPID). What does he want ? 
 
 T. Rap. Shall I afk him ? 
 
 Vortex. Do. I'll be very much oblig'd to you. 
 
 T. Rap. I will. I'll manage (winking and 
 nodding to VORTEX). 
 
 Vortex. Oh, thank you ! 
 
 Charles. Once more, my Ellen ! fupported by 
 indulgent parent's blefling on our union, I entreat 
 
 Ellen. Oh Charles ! fhall I then return your 
 father's goodnefs by destroying his hopes for ever ? 
 Shall I repay my Stanley's love by infli&ing on him 
 penury and for row ? In pity, no more ! 
 
 T. Rap. (to CHARLES STANLEY). What may 
 be your bufinefs here, fir ? 
 
 Charles, 1 came to take leave. 
 
 r. Rap*
 
 _OR THE HUAKT-ACHB. $$ 
 
 T. Rap. Huih ! (apart). To inquire refpe&ing 
 that lady's fortune. We'll foon anfwer all that, 
 wont we ? (nodding to VORTEX.) 
 
 Charles. I fay, fir 
 
 T. Rap. (flopping him). We grant it, ^we 
 grant Mr. Vortex has recover'd property to a 
 confiderable amount, but what fignifies that ? She 
 affigned it for five thoufewd-poimds ! You lee how 
 I'm going on (to Nabob). 
 
 Vortex. Oh, thank you, my dear friend ! 
 
 T. Rap. I've feen the paper; haven't I ? (/* 
 Vortex). 
 
 Charles. And I fhou'd be fatisfied 
 
 T. Rap. You wou'd be fatisfied if you faw it. 
 Certainly very proper nothing in nature ran 
 be more reafonable ; fo, Nabob, {hew him the pa- 
 per, and fettle the bufintfs at once (walks about, 
 VORTEX following him). Shew him the paper J 
 don't keep the gentleman waiting all day. Shew 
 him the paper. My dear fellow! what's the ufe of 
 walking after me ? Shew him the paper. 
 
 Vortex (taking advantage of thejpaufc* in the 
 foregoing fpeecb). I fay, my dear friend, hufti ! 
 Be quiet ! I want to fpeak to youj you forget you 
 deftroyed it. 
 
 T. Rap. I deftroyed it! 
 
 Vortex. Hufh! 
 
 T. Rap. He fays I deftroyed it! 
 
 Vortex. I did not. I'll take my oath I did-not. 
 
 T. Kap. And it is true. 
 
 Charts and Ellen. What ? 
 
 #V jRp True, upon my honour 1 He has no 
 more hold on your eftates, madam, than I have. 
 
 Charles (kneeling to ELLEN). Will you now al- 
 low the humble Stanley to deftroy the hopes of 
 wealthy Ellen? Will you permit me to repay your 
 love wich penury and forrow ? 
 
 Ellen.
 
 ^4 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE* 
 
 Ellen. Oh, chide on! (raifinghim). Dear Stan- 
 ley, my happinefs is now complete. 
 
 1". Rap. This is your houfe, ma'am. I give 
 you joy ! Sir, I give you joy INabob, I give 
 you joy ! 
 
 Vortex. Oh, my head ! You villain ! 
 
 T. Rap. Don't talk about villainy, it will make 
 you worfe. Sit doAwtri}siearfeHow ! 
 
 Charles. He's juftly punifhcd for the falfehood 
 of the ftory he told. 
 
 T. Rap. I fay, he's juftly punifhed for the length 
 of the ftory he told. 
 
 Charles. Mr. Rapid, in exprefiing my obliga- 
 tions, allow me to be 
 
 T. Rap. Not more than a minute, I entreat. 
 
 (OLD RAPID and SIR HUBERT without.) 
 
 O; Rap. Where is he ? 
 Sir Hub. Be patient. . 
 0. Rap. I won't. Let me come at him. 
 
 Enter OLD RAPID and SIR HUBERT. 
 
 JeJJy (YOUNG RAPID and JESSY kneel). Your 
 bleffing, fir! 
 
 O. Rap. What? Oh! (falls down on his knees, 
 end embraces them both.) 
 
 Sir Hub. (after talking apart t9 his Jon). Mr. 
 Rapid, by aficrting your character as a mao of ho- 
 nour, in rewarding the affe&ions of this amiable wo- 
 man, you command my praile ; for beftowing hap- 
 pinefs on my dear Charles, receive an old man's 
 bleffing. 
 
 T. Rap. Approbation from Sir Hubert Stanley 
 is praife indeed. 
 
 O. Rap. Dam'me, there's the fon of a taylor for 
 you! 
 
 10 Vortex.
 
 A CURE FOR THE HEART-ACHE. 8j 
 
 Vortex. What, a taylor ? 
 
 Q, Rap. Yes j and let me tell you, that one 
 guinea honeftly gotten by blood drawn from the 
 finger, is Tweeter than a million obtained by blood 
 drawn from the heart ! So, take that. 
 
 T. Rap. Well, Nabob, how do you feel ? 
 
 Vortex. Egad, ^^Hff^K^but I declare I 
 feel light and comfortable fince Ellen has got her 
 eftate, and I fomehow breathe more free. I've a 
 notion the laft line of my fpeech is true. 
 
 T. Rap. Come, Til hear the laft line. 
 
 Vortex. Why, " that the rirft ftep towards fe- 
 " curing the efteem of others, is to fecure your 
 " own." 
 
 T. Rap. Stick to the laft line. 
 
 Ellen. And, dear uncle, take Sir Hubert Stan- 
 ley for your phyfician, Follow his prefcription of 
 juftice and benevolence, and my life on it, you will 
 foon thank me for my recommendation. 
 
 Vortex. Well, to fhew the fincerity of my inten- 
 tions, allow me, Ellen, to prefent you thefe parch- 
 ments, the title-deeds of this eftate (prefents 
 parchments). 
 
 O. Rap. I fay, Ned, what nice meafures they 
 would make ! 
 
 Ellen. And, fir, allow me to fhew you the true 
 value of riches (giving parchments to STANLEY)- 
 Convert them into happinefs. 
 
 O. Rap. Well, I've only one obfervation to 
 make. 
 
 T. Rap. I hope it is a fhort one. 
 
 JeJ/y. What, impatient again ? 
 
 T. Rap. I am 9 and if I err, 
 
 'Tis you, my gen'rous Patrons* are the caufe, 
 My heart's impatient for your kind applaufe.
 
 ef!j ,. EPILOGUE. 
 
 WRITTEN BT M. P. ANDREWS, ESQ.. M. F- 
 
 SPOKEN BY MRS. MATTOCKS. 
 
 we km n bfUre^fi 
 
 S/v j u t> J tt--' J 
 HAKESPEARE, a (hrewd old quiz, in his dull age, 
 
 Said, very gravely, ' All the world's a'ftage." 
 
 But if the Poet on our times could drop, 
 
 He'd rather own that all tbriootlJi'a Jhoj>. n 
 
 " And what's the trade?" exclaim the critic railers. M ^ 
 
 Why, " Men and women all are merely taylors." 
 
 May, frown not, Beaux ; and Ladies, do not pout ; ' 
 
 You've all yovr cuttings in and cuttings out. 
 
 And, firft, Mifs Hoyden, juft etcap'd from fchool, 
 Slighting mamma, and all domeftic role ; 
 Jf fte on faftikm's road thould chance to trip, 
 What lays the world i why, " Mifg has made a flip." 
 And if, a falling charader to fave, 2Jntul 
 
 She weds with age juft tott'ring o'er the grave. 
 The fportive world will ftill enjoy the joke, 
 And fpoufe, at home, at once is made a ctoke. 
 
 The Politician too, who, when in place, 
 Views public meafures with a Trailing (ace, 
 "Creaks, whn he's out, a difcontented note, 
 Sure he's a taylcr he has turn'd his coat. 
 Oft have I meafur'd you when clofel 7 lilting, 
 To fee what twift, what (hape, what air was fitting. 
 Once more I'll try, -if you'll make no refiftance; 
 Mine's a quick eye, and meafures at a diftance. 
 
 [Produces the jbttrt and metfurt. 
 Great Mr. Alderman your worftiip fir, 
 If you can ftomach it, you need not ftir, 
 
 II Room
 
 EPILOGUE. 87 
 
 Room you require, for turtle and for haunch, 
 'Tis done two yards three quarters round the paunch. 
 Slim fir, hold up your arm Oh, you're a Poet, 
 You want a coat, indeed your elbows (how it. 
 Don't tremble, man : there's now no caufe for fears, 
 Though oft you (hirk the Gemmen of the meers ; 
 Genius (lands (till, when taylnra intejpofe ; 
 'Tis like a watch it tics in at hen It goes. 
 
 The needle dropt, the warlike fword I draw, 
 For oft our Sex muft yield to martial law; 
 Lady HubbufFet came to me laft night, 
 " .Oh, my dear ma'am, I'm in fuch a fright ; 
 " They've drawn me for a man ; and, what is worfe, 
 <* I am to foldier it, and mount a horfe : 
 * Muft wear the breeches." Says I, " Don't deplore 
 " What in your hufband's life you always wore ; 
 ' But that your La'fhip's heart may ceafe from throbbing, 
 " Let your fat Coachman mount upon fat Dobbin ; 
 " And for the good old pair I'll boldly fay, 
 f Nor man, nor horfe, will ever run away." 
 " 'Rtan !" " Arrah, who is that dare fear betray ?" 
 (Cries patriot Paddy, hot from Bantry Bay.) [(rfuming the Bregne 
 '* The Frenchmen came, expe&ing us to meet 'em, 
 <r And fure we all were ready there to greet 'em, 
 " With piping hot potatoes made of lead, 
 f And powder that would fave iuftead of bread ; 
 " And, by my foul, fuch dainty fine fat frogs, 
 With warm dry lodging for them in the bogs." 
 * They came, alas!" cried I, of terror fuH. 
 " They made a conqueft ?" " No, they made a bull.' T 
 
 But fofcly what with meafures, bulls, and battle, 
 You muft be tir'd with my poor foolifti prattle ; 
 But while you look fo pleafant, kind, and clever, 
 Had I my way, I'd talk to you for ever. 
 
 ' THE END.
 
 \^ PLAYS, &c, Printed for" T. N. LONGMAN. 
 
 i. The DRAMATIST, a Comedy ; by Mr. REYNOLDS. 
 Price is. 6d: 
 
 3. NOTORIETY, a Comedy ; by Ditto, is. 6d. 
 
 3 . HOW TO GROW RICH, a Comedy ; by Ditto, u. 6d , 
 
 4. THE RAGE, a Comedy ; by Ditto. 2s. 
 
 5. WERTER, a Tragedy; by TXtio. is- 6d. 
 
 6. SPECULATION, a'DJft^f, fey Ditto. zs. 
 
 7. WILD OATS, a Comedy; by Mr. O'KEZFE. is. 6d. 
 
 8. The CASTLE OF ANDALUSIA, a Ccraic Opera; by 
 Ditto. TS. 6d. ; 
 
 9. SPRIGS OF LAUREL, a Comic Opera, in two Ads ; by 
 Ditto, is. 
 
 10. HARTFORD BRIDGE, an Operatic Farce, in Two 
 Ads; by Mr. PEARCE. is. 
 
 ii. The MIDNIGHT WANDERERS, a comic opera, & 
 
 Two Ads i b/ Ditto, is. 
 
 12. Ni | J SY, an Operatic Farce, ki Two Afls; by 
 Ditto 
 
 13. ARRIVED AT PORTSMOUTH, an Opeiaj byDitta. 
 is. 
 
 14. WINDSOR CASTLE', an Opera, performed in Honor of 
 the Marriege of Ills Royal Highoefs the Prince of Wales; by 
 Dkto. With an elegant Vignette, is. 6d. 
 
 15. The MAID of NORMANDY ; or, TheDEATH of the 
 QUEEN of' FRANCE, a Tragedy ; by Mr. EYRE, Ute oi 
 Pembroke College, Cambridge, ts. 6d. 
 
 18. CONSEQPENCES ; or, The SCHOOL for PREJUDICE, 
 a Comedy . by Ditto, is. 6d. 
 
 1 7 . The SECRET TRIBUNAL, a Play; by Mr.BoADE*. zs. 
 
 18. The TOWN BEFORE YOU, a Comsdy; by Mrs. 
 
 19. The MYSTERIES OF THE CASTLE, an Opera ; by 
 M. P. ANDREWS, zs. 
 
 20. CROTCHET LODGE.aFarce; byMr.H i,- .1 L& i ON . is. 
 
 21. The IRISHMAN !N LONDON, a Fd'ce ; by Mr. 
 
 M'READY. IS. 
 
 32. ZOR1NSKI, a Play ; by Mr. MORTON. 2! . 
 
 23. VVAYTOGETMARRIED,aCorr)cd y ; by Ditto. ^ 
 
 24. LOCK AND KEY, a Farce ; by Mr. HOARE. is. 
 
 25. BANNIAN DAY, a Farce, is,
 
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