•»wr^ 
 
 MIRTHFULNESS 
 
 AJSTD ITS EXCITEES 
 
 OR, 
 
 1 jutbmil I an (jlitcr and h : [ 
 
 xmwim. 
 
 BY 
 
 B. F. CLARK, 
 
 Paator of the Congregational Church, North Chelmsford, Mass., from 1839 to 186B. 
 
 BOSTON: 
 LEE AND SIIEPARD. 
 
 149 Wamiiimcstoh Hthcct. 
 
 1870.
 
 Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1869, by 
 
 B. F. CLARK, 
 
 In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the District of Massachusetts. 
 
 Boston : 
 
 Stereotyped by C. J. Peters & Son, 
 
 No. 5, Washington Street.
 
 
 C0 
 
 THE HIGH AND THE LOW, 
 
 THE RICH AND THE POOR, 
 
 THE LEARNED AND THE UNLEARNED, 
 
 Tffia Bqqs 
 
 IS MOST RESPECTFULLY 
 DEDICATED.
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 Three reasons have influenced me to prepare ttis book for 
 the public. 
 
 1 St, A belief that there was a demand for such a book. I had 
 felt the ilemand myself, and had heard others express a similar 
 feeling. I had purchased two books of anecdotes, of several hun- 
 dred pages each, in both of which I found but very few truly 
 humorous savings. I incjuired of literary men, and examined 
 several public libraries, in search of a book containing short, 
 humorous, and witty anecdotes adapted to excite mirthfulness, 
 without offending the taste or demoralizing the feelings of the 
 chaste and the pious ; and I learned that no such book had been 
 published, but that suoh ani-cdotes could be found, scattered 
 through many volumes and periodicals, and laid up in the memo- 
 ries of individuals. Several gentlemen with wlium I spoke upon 
 tlie subject expressed the hojje that I would employ my leisiu-e 
 tune in supplying the demand described. 
 
 2d, Having ix-en unexpectedly relieved from the duties of pro- 
 fessional lile, and being required to do something for my support, 
 I felt obliged to employ my pen in this service; ami, with this feel- 
 ing. I cast about for a subject on which to write a book. Three 
 8ui))«-fts were suggested to me, ;dl of wbich seemed altraetive, and 
 all of which I thought would command public attention, and secure 
 a profitable sale, if skilfully presented. For reasons, I selected 
 uni>. with the inteiitioUf if my first book shall find a profitable sale, 
 V) follow it with another, if nrit others. 
 
 3d, The Btrtjng reason which iiilluenc(!d me to give attention to 
 the preparation tA' Ihiii wurk, at the time I did, was thU : Inlluejiced 
 by the rrncl inloleranrc of a few professed retbrnuTS outside of 
 mv parish, who felt imlignant at my success in scouring ]>ul)Iic 
 favor, in oj)[)osition to their impraetieal>le schemes to ell'ect a 
 moral reform hi/ force, I ha<i torn my.self away from a people with 
 whom I had Iwen connected nearly thirty years, between nearly 
 all of whom au'l myself there existecl ;i very strong attachment. 
 'llu: violence done to my (leliiigs by this rupture, j)ro(luced by the 
 intolerance of which I have spoki-n, left me in a state, both physi- 
 cal and ment^il, which demanded my most bkilful treatment. I
 
 6 PREFACE. 
 
 knew it would be suicidal for me, at the age of sixty-one, to retire 
 from the world and do nothing. I was invited to take another 
 charge ; but I had resolved never to be married to another people. 
 In deciding that I would devote my time and energies to writing 
 for the public, I concluded to begin with a work which I thought 
 would interest my own mind in a manner that would be physically 
 and mentally profitable. The preparation of this book has given 
 me pleasant employment ; and I sincerely hope that its perusal will 
 afford rational entertainment to thousands. My own mirthfulness 
 has been pleasurably excited by the exciters I have arranged for 
 others ; and if my book meets with an extensive sale, the profits 
 of which shall pay for the plates and bring me in a pecuniary 
 income, I shall experience more pleasure in its sale than I have in 
 its preparation. The funniest thing in connection with this funny 
 work, of which I can well conceive, would be the sale of twelve 
 thousand copies of it within twelve months of the date of its pub- 
 lication. This funny result can be approximated ; and I can be 
 made to laugh heai'tily and rationally, with unnumbered others of 
 my countrymen, if my numerous friends in Massachusetts and in 
 other States will buy my book, and recommend its purchase to 
 their associates. It is a book for both sexes, of every age, who 
 can read intelligently ; for all professions and denominations ; for 
 secret societies, clubs, and lodges, of every description, especially 
 the reformatory and clerical ; and for isolated persons, who refuse 
 all alliance with others. If my book does not find a respectable 
 sale, and its publication imposes upon me a debt, instead of con- 
 tributing to my support, I shall be compelled to look elsewhere 
 for exciters of my own mirthfulness. That I may have pleasant 
 feelings, and manifest them in a smiling countenance, that I may 
 enjoy rational laughing with my readers, I solicit their aid in 
 increasing the sale of my book. I do this, assuring them that a 
 large sale will be the most pleasant to me of all these pleasantries. 
 
 B. P. C.
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 Essay ox Mirthfulness . 
 Anecdotes Respecting Cleugymen 
 Unitarian Clergymen . 
 Episcopal Clergymen 
 Presbyterian Clergymen 
 Clergymen of Other Countries 
 Methodist Clergymen . 
 American Baptist Clergymen 
 
 UxiVERSALIST CLERGYMEN 
 
 Different Denominations 
 About Lawyers 
 About Doctors 
 About Literary Men 
 Humorous Extracts 
 Josh Billings .... 
 Artemus Ward 
 Mrs. Partington 
 Sayings of Prentice 
 Petroleum V. Nasby 
 Irish Wit and Blunders 
 Isaac T. Hopper 
 Mercantile Anecdotes . 
 Poetical Plkahantries . 
 Miscellaneous Anecdotes . 
 Address 
 
 11 
 
 31 
 
 59 
 
 64 
 
 67 
 
 69 
 
 77 
 
 88 
 
 92 
 
 96 
 
 111 
 
 135 
 
 145 
 
 155 
 
 160 
 
 164 
 
 167 
 
 171 
 
 173 
 
 179 
 
 217 
 
 230 
 
 235 
 
 240 
 
 347
 
 MIRTHFULNESS.
 
 HIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 ^Iax was the last and best of the Creator's six-days' 
 work. Al'ter the worlds were made and hung out in space, 
 commissioned to move in their appropriate spheres, their 
 Maker counselled with himself respecting the creation of 
 his crowning work. The earth being formed, and furnished 
 with plants and the lower grades of animals, the Creator 
 said, " Let us make man in our own image, after our likeness. 
 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God 
 created he him ; male and female created he them." In the 
 structure of this wonderful product of infinite skill, the 
 celestial and terrestrial were combined, the spiritual and 
 material were associated. In this noble creature we have 
 an attractive specimen of God's handiwork, — a specimen 
 which declares his skill infinite. 
 
 What study can be more interesting, important, and in- 
 structive than that of man? "Know thyself" is a direc- 
 tion of pre-eminent importance, — a direction every person 
 should obey to the extent of his ability. As has been in- 
 timated, man is a compound being, composed of a material 
 organization, and an intelligent spirit which animates, 
 controls, and moves this organization. The connection 
 between the two is marvellously mysterious, and the combi- 
 nation makes the man. In acijuiring an accurate knowletlgo 
 of this noblest of God's creatures on earth, we must study 
 his several parts. We must consider and understand him 
 analytically before wo can properly regard ourselves ac-
 
 12 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 quainted with his complicated whole. The two grand 
 divisions of this important compound, the material and 
 spiritual, the physical and mental, are easily distinguished. 
 Their manifestations are wholly unlike : they have no prop- 
 erty in common. The one is matter ; the other, spirit. The 
 one is inert and insensible : the other is active and intelli- 
 gent. The former part of this compound has been ana- 
 lyzed. It has been minutely dissected by the skilful 
 anatomist ; and by him each system has been described, and 
 every part named, and its design and office stated. By the 
 aid of plates and manikins, books and teachers, and sub- 
 jects for dissection, the learner may know himself phj'si- 
 cally. He may study and understand the framework of 
 his body, composed of its many parts, with all its adapted- 
 ness to locomotion and varied action. He may acquire an 
 accurate knowledge of the system of straps which cover this 
 frame, through the agency of which its countless motions 
 are effected. He may learn what is known of the nervous 
 system, and with astonishment and delight may contem- 
 plate its marvellous manifestations. By this study he may 
 learn the medium through which sensation is conveyed 
 with more than telegraphic speed, and motion is effected. 
 He may acquire a knowledge of the tubes and accompany- 
 ing apparatus through which the life's blood circulates, and 
 nourishes every part of the whole body. He may study 
 tlie apparatus for receiving food, and converting it into the 
 life-giving fluid ; and, in short, may acquire full and accurate 
 knowledge of this wonderful system of systems, this compli- 
 cated machine which presents such clear and abundant 
 evidence of the wisdom and benevolence of the Creator. In 
 addition to this knowledge, secured through the agency of 
 extensive and accurate investigations of anatomists, the 
 diligent student may learn much respecting himself with- 
 out a teacher. The external members of his body are 
 clearly seen, a-nd their uses known. AVhen he has learned
 
 ESSAY. 13 
 
 what he can of his physical, possessing the power to name 
 every bone, to describe its form, its position in the body, 
 and its use ; when he can name every muscle, and is 
 acquainted with its position and action ; when he has 
 acquired a thorough knowledge of his marvellous system of 
 nerves, through which he feels and produces action ; when 
 he has acquainted himself with his internal organs, which 
 change his food to the vital principle, and bear the same 
 with all its nourishing qualities to every part of his person, 
 and which enable him to breathe, and perform his other 
 internal functions ; when he has learned the use of his 
 limbs and his organs of sense, and understands how they 
 operate, — he has merely acquired a knowledge of one of the 
 grand divisions of himself He has acquired a knowledge 
 of the machine, the complicated and marvellously-con- 
 structed machine, and has made himself acquainted with its 
 numerous parts and with its wonderful capabilities : but this 
 machine is useless without the power that operates it ; and a 
 man cannot be regarded as knowing himself, who has not 
 a knowledge of this power. This power constitutes the 
 second grand division of man, — his mind. Before passing 
 to a consideration of this power, I will remark, that, in many 
 respects, man has his superiors among the lower grades of 
 animals. In strength, in speed, in soaring aloft, and in 
 diving into the depths, many of the lower orders of crea- 
 tures vastly excel him. Beasts of the forest, monsters of 
 the deep, and birds of the air, possess power and speed, 
 compared witli which his is insigailicant : and yet he is lord 
 of creation ; he has a marked pre-eminence among all 
 creatures on earth ; is greater and mightier in an important 
 8en»o than the king of beasts, or any that roam with him in 
 his forest-home. What gives man liis superiority ? What 
 makes him lord and master of all creatures on earth ? 
 Wliat imparts to him the honorable distinction he enjoys? 
 I an* we r, His mind, — llie principle that animates, controls,
 
 14 MIKTHFULNESS. 
 
 and directs his animal, and imparts to him a resemblance to 
 his Creator. It is his mind that fills his face with intelli- 
 gent expression ; " that perceives, remembers, reasons, loves, 
 hopes, fears, compares, desires, resolves, adores, imagines, 
 and aspires after immortality," and that makes him superior, 
 constitutes him lord. Well trained and richly furnished 
 with knowledge, the human mind is not confined to time 
 nor place in its mighty workings. It flies back through 
 the past, plays with the mysteries of antiquity, views the 
 works of other days, and holds converse with the dead who 
 long since closed their connection with earth. It also 
 glances forward, lifts the veil of futurity, and imagines 
 what will be when the great principles of truth shall be 
 fully developed. Not satisfied with this extensive range, it 
 leaps the bounds of time, and gazes on the abodes of men 
 when they shall have entered upon the immortal future, 
 their endless state of being. By a power of its own, guided 
 by science, or rather borne on scientific wings, it leaves 
 this globe, its native place, and dwells among the stars, the 
 luminous centres of other systems, like our own ; and, 
 beyond these vast congregations of worlds, it gazes upon 
 other systems performing their regular revolutions in the 
 immensity of space. Through all these the scientific Chris- 
 tian mind looks up to Him who made them and gave to 
 tliem their laws, and with him holds delightful intercourse. 
 This is the power that works the human machine, the ma- 
 terial part of man, — a power which distinguishes him from 
 other creatures with which we are acquainted. Before at- 
 tempting a description of this intelligent power, the human 
 mind, I will direct attention to its organ, and the location 
 of the same. The organ of the mind is the brain. Notice 
 its location. It is in the head. It is a delicate organ, curi- 
 ously constructed, demanding perfect protection to secure 
 its healtliy action. 
 
 In the language of another, I say, " Look at the brain's
 
 ESSAY. 15 
 
 commanding position in the superior and' crowning position 
 of the majestic structure called man. Behold the match- 
 less skill of the divine Architect displayed in protecting 
 from external injury this exquisitely-wrought instrument, 
 lirst by the skull, so elegantly and w^onderfully shaped, and 
 so judiciously divided into its various frontal, lateral, and 
 occipital portions, and all these so ingeniously and so 
 strongly joined together by their respective sutures. And, 
 in order still further to strengthen this bulwark of the intel- 
 lect, we find the skull, again, divided into its external and 
 internal tables, and these supported and united by an in- 
 tervening spongy substance, which renders it less liable to 
 be cracked or broken. This ossitic ball is also strengthened 
 by the scalp ; and this, again, is both protected and adorned 
 by a thick coat of flowing hair." The location and protec- 
 tion of the brain show the skill and care of the Creator in 
 providing a suitable palace for this dignified organ of 
 thought, feeling, and action. From the brain proceed, or 
 in it terminate, all the nerves of the entire body; and, to 
 support this organ, about one-third of the vital fluid pro- 
 pelled by the heart is ordinarily used. 
 
 These scientific facts, demonstrated by experiments of 
 the learned, show clearly that the Author of our being 
 designed the brain for a noble and important work. All 
 approved philosopliers agree that the brain is tlie organ of 
 tbo mind, and tliat "it is the grand centre of all the most 
 dt-licate and intricate machinery of the human frame;" but 
 all do not agree that " the brain is composed of a large 
 number of organs corresponding to the several independent 
 faculties of the mind, which are a congregate of separate 
 primary powers," and that each faculty operates only 
 through its ajtpropriate organ. All this is asserted by one 
 class of pbiloHopliers, conlidently as.serted, and as confi- 
 dently denie<l by others. Some of the latter class regard 
 the mind a unit, and itH Rcveral faculties merely dilVerent
 
 16 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 manifestations of this unit, in its different states or modes 
 of action. According to their theory, the whole mind per- 
 ceives, compares, loves, hates, &c. ; and the brain is the 
 organ through which these various operations are performed. 
 This theory makes the mind a unit, and the brain a single 
 organ. What are called the powers and susceptibilities of 
 the mind are its different states and manifestations. The 
 whole mind thinks and feels and acts. In opposition to this 
 theory, we have the one to which brief reference has been 
 made, — a theory of the mind, and its mode of operations, — 
 which is growing in popular favor. This system of mental 
 philosophy claims to have been established by induction. 
 It may be thus comprehensively stated : The brain is com- 
 posed of a number of distinct organs, the comparative size 
 of which is manifested upon the outside of the skull, so 
 that a skilful manipulator can describe the constitutional 
 character of a person by feeling of his head. " The mind 
 consists of a plurality of innate and independent faculties, 
 a congregate of separate primary powers ; " and each of these 
 acts legitimately through its own appropriate organ. These 
 faculties are perfectly distinct from the organ through 
 which they act. They are as distinct as the mental faculty 
 of seeing is from the eye. The eye is no more a part of 
 the seeing faculty than the telescope, by the aid of which 
 heavenly bodies are seen, which are invisible through the 
 unassisted eye ; or than the concave glass, which lengthens 
 the range of the near-sighted person's vision. 
 
 The classification of this system is interesting. 1st, The 
 animal propensities and their organs occupy the lower and 
 posterior portions of the brain. 2d, The moral sentiments 
 and their organs occupy the superior lateral portions of the 
 brain. 3d, The intellectual faculties and their organs occupy 
 tlie front of the brain. According to this classification, the 
 intellectual faculties operate through the front portion of 
 the mind's organ, indicating that these faculties were de-
 
 ESSAY. 17 
 
 signed to perceive the right, and direct the man in the 
 pursuit of worthy objects, while they guard him against 
 dangers. 
 
 The moral and religious faculties act through the crown 
 of the brain, indicating, that, when exercised in accordance 
 with truths and directions received through the intellect, 
 they will exhibit man in his truest dignity. The animal 
 propensities are placed where they should be, — *in the pos- 
 terior and lower portion of the brain ; clearly' indicating that 
 these propensities were designed to be controlled by the 
 intellectual and moral power. The particular grouping of 
 certain organs is interesting. Tak^ the following illustra- 
 tions : Upon the highest part of the brain is the organ of 
 veneration. The most legitimate exercise of this faculty is 
 the worship of the true God. Immediately behind this is 
 firmness, indicating that man should be especially decided 
 in his reverence for the object of his worship, as the noble 
 and fearless Daniel was. On each side of these organs are 
 arranged, in order, marvellousness, hope, and consciojitious- 
 ness. The first-named faculty is legitimately employed in 
 contemplating " things not seen and eternal ;" things which 
 constitute heaven, and are seen only by faith. Immediately 
 behind this faculty is hope, indicating that the most ap- 
 propriate and only fully-satisfying objects the mind can 
 rationally hope for are those " within the veil," where the 
 glorious Redeemer is. Immediately behind hope is con- 
 scifntiousness, indicating that hope should have a firm 
 foundation in moral qualities, in a good character, or it will 
 prove " like the spiders web." 
 
 In this system of philosophy, mirthfulness is regarded 
 one of the original faculties of the mind, and is thus de- 
 fined: "It is that mental power which looks at things 
 through a ludicrous medium, and thus forms liumorous 
 ideas and conceptions ; a quick and lively itcrccption of the 
 ludicrous and absurd.'' This faculty is classed with tho 
 'i
 
 18 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 semi-intellectual ; and its organ is arranged between causal- 
 ity and ideality, indicating that it may be rationally em- 
 ]}loyed. Whether man's mind consists of one faculty, or a 
 Xjlurality, it is certain he is a laughing animal ; and that 
 his laughing, properly exercised, promotes the health of his 
 body and the rational pleasure of his mind, without de- 
 tracting from his dignity or his usefulness. I choose to 
 regard mij;thfalness as a distinct faculty, and shall so treat 
 it in this essay; but my readers who reject the system I 
 have described will grant the correctness of my position, 
 that man is a laughing animal. The infant exercises this 
 part of its nature in * feeble yet attractive manner; and, 
 in passing through the different stages of his minority, his 
 love of laughing " grows with his growth, and increases 
 with his strength." 
 
 Children and young people are liable to exercise their 
 mirthfulness extravagantly ; while, as they encounter the 
 stern realities of life in riper years, they are liable to neg- 
 lect this exercise, and thereby exchange their youthful 
 cheerfulness for the repelling moroseness of age. Doubt- 
 less some persons laugh too easily and too much ; but the 
 abuse of a faculty is no argument against its proper use. 
 That the faculty of mirthfulness is a part of man's nature 
 cannot be denied, whether it is a distinct faculty of his 
 mind or not. He laughs, and enjoys laughing; and he 
 possesses certain muscles which would never be used if he 
 did not laugh. But we are told by some persons that it 
 is undignified, unchristian, and wrong to laugh ; and, in 
 proof of this proposition, it is said that it is a solemn thing 
 to live under the responsibilities of an intelligent, free, 
 moral agent, who is accountable to the moral Governor of 
 the universe for his conduct. It is also said, that, in the 
 liistory of Jesus, we have no account of his laughing. We 
 know only a small part of what Jesus did while uj^on 
 earth ; and it is safe to conclude, that, if he had regarded it
 
 ESSAY. 19 
 
 a sin to laugh, he would have stated the fact in his teach- 
 ing's. I readily assent to the proposition, that it is a sol- 
 emn thing to live in the midst of such responsibilities as 
 are imposed upon us citizens of earth ; but I deny that 
 Christianity forbids the cultivation and exercise of mirth- 
 fulness : while I claim that it is hath a j^rivilef/e and a duty 
 to laugh ; and they who fail to improve this pHvilege, and 
 perform this dutij, whether they are influenced by consti- 
 tutional characteristics or by paHial vieivs of religion, will 
 not escape the penalties of their folly. 
 
 I have known a few persons, and have heard of others, 
 who refused to exercise their mirthfuluess, and suffered for 
 the refusal. Two of this class were associated with me as 
 classmates in the theological seminary. The subsequent 
 history of one of these is unknown to me ; but the other 
 died soon after he entered the ministry. In a conversation 
 with Henry Ward Beecher (who was also my classmate) 
 several years ago, I said to him, "You doubtless remember, 
 brother Henry, how you used to vex the righteous soul of 
 brother Casswell, the sombre member of our class, by the 
 indulgence of your mirthfuluess?" 
 
 " Yes, yes ! " he replied ; " and Casswell is dead, and I 
 am alive : and that is just the difference between our theo- 
 ries." 
 
 An aged clergyman informed me, that, when in the semi- 
 nary. He had a chissmate wliu adopted the notion, that it was 
 wrong to laugh ; and his conduct occasioned more laughing 
 than that of all the other students. His unnatural course 
 unfitted him for social intercourse, and carried him to the 
 grave, after a brief ministry of six months. 
 
 A sombre clergyman, who by his rem;irk;il)ly quiet hab- 
 its, wlifch kept him free from excitenu-nt, lived to Ix' old, 
 was one day talking with me and my couqtanioii in our 
 house against the " Becchers " in general, and " Henry 
 Ward" in particular. The latter, he said, had delivered a
 
 20 MIKTHFULNESS. 
 
 lecture on mirthfulness, and thereby had disgraced the 
 ministerial office. Waxing warm with his subject, he 
 said, — 
 
 " Think of Paul lecturing on mirthfulness ! Paul was a 
 weeper, but no laugher. The Bible speaks of tveeping, but 
 not of laughing.'^ 
 
 As he paused a moment, I quietly remarked, " I think 
 the Bible states that good old Sarah laughed on a particu- 
 lar occasion." This remark struck the old gentleman's un- 
 guarded risibles, and he burst forth in a hearty laugh, which 
 convulsed his whole system, and greatly amused us who 
 witnessed the scene. While "there is a time to laugh," 
 there are times when laughing is untimely and wrong. 
 Heason, the constituted governor of the human mind, 
 should control this subordinate faculty, and appoint its 
 seasons for action, and direct the same. The benefits con- 
 ferred by the rational exercise of mirthfulness are various 
 aiid important. The possessor of a merry heart hath a 
 continual feast, and he sheds rays of cheerfulness all around 
 him. He is a pleasant companion. His smiles, liberally 
 bestowed on his associates, excite in them pleasurable feel- 
 ings, which find expression in the countenance. Mirthful- 
 ness, -gently excited, produces cheerfulness, and adds to the 
 attractiveness of the person in whom this faculty is thus 
 exercised. Mirthfulness, suddenly and strongly excited, 
 causes the hearty laugh which agitates the whole body. 
 The woman whose face is ordinarily wreathed with smiles 
 is happy, and a happiness-maker. If a wife, "she does her 
 husband good, and not evil, all the days of her life." She 
 is the light and the joy of his dwelling, the light and the 
 joy of his heart. Either a gentle or a hearty laugh does 
 good, and only good, if produced by unobjectionable agen- 
 cies, and not indulged too often. Such exercise aids diges- 
 tion, promotes a healthy circulation in all persons, and con- 
 fers special benefits upon all classes. It cheers and re-
 
 ESSAY. 21 
 
 freshes the manual laborer, rests the wearied brain, and 
 sharpens the intellect of the scholar, and, in addition to 
 the momentary pleasure it aifords, strengthens all who in- 
 dulge in it for the better accomplishment of the severer 
 tasks of life. The physical and mental health of the stu- 
 dent would be promoted, and his work facilitated, by a daily 
 laugh that .would cause the- shaking of his sides and all the 
 parts attached to them. 
 
 While mirthfulness is part of our nature, was designed 
 to be exercised, and may be profitably by all classes, its ex- 
 ercise is peculiarly profitable to persons heavily taxed with 
 responsible cares and wearing labor. Wives and mothers, 
 business-men and legislators, and all engaged in the learned 
 professions, belong to this class. 
 
 The lamented Lincoln would have been crushed by the 
 weighty and distracting cares and responsibilities imposed 
 upon him, if he had not possessed the power of exciting the 
 mirthful in himself and associates by his apt stories and his 
 ready wit. Dr. Lyman Beecher once said, in my hearing, 
 when he was pastor of a church in Cincinnati, teacher of 
 theology in Lane Seminary, and writing for the press, that, 
 but for his .systematic seasons of umviiidiug, he would have 
 broken down long before that time. He laughed from 
 principle ; and yet I never saw a person appear to enjoy the 
 exercise more than he did. 
 
 Statesmen need recreation ; in securing which, the faculty 
 under consideration should be largely employed. The saiiie 
 net'd is felt by lawyers, physicians, and clergymen. The 
 work of lawyers imposes a severe tax upon their powers of 
 endurance, and creates a demand for rest, accompauii'd 
 with4he hearty laugli. The work of the physician deprives 
 liim of regular sleep, subjects him to intense anxiety, and 
 strongly excites his sympathies for the sick and the othcr- 
 wiise afflicted. His professional visits are made to families, 
 at liines, when they are disinclined to bo mirtljfiil. Sunl}'
 
 22 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 his class need the exhilarating laugh to keep thera from 
 despondings, and a book of choice anecdotes is happily 
 adapted to excite what will supply their need. The work 
 of the clergy is a solemn and responsible work. In con- 
 templating it, an inspired apostle exclaimed, " Who is suffi- 
 cient for these things ? " The man who undertakes to do 
 them "should be blameless, vigilant, sober, of good beha- 
 vior, and apt to teach." He is -required "to watch for 
 souls, as one who must give an account of his stewardship." 
 Can any man perform this work efficiently, without early 
 running down, who does not have "his seasons of unwind- 
 ing," in which he brings into exercise, pleasurable exercise, 
 the faculty we are considering ? Clergymen especially need 
 an exciter of mirthfulness near at hand, to which they can 
 resort for momentary relief ; and what is there so cheap and 
 convenient, and so eifective, as a book of well-selected and 
 well-arranged humorous sayings, such as the one of which 
 this essay forms a part ? 
 
 Having shown that mirthfulness is an important part of 
 man, a part wisely designed to promote his happiness and 
 usefulness, I will proceed to state how it may be excited. 
 Mirthfulness may be excited by the presentation of a ridicu- 
 lous scene to the eye, by an exhibition of wit, or the repeti- 
 tion of a well-timed anecdote. A few illustrations will close 
 this essay. To see a very fat man running toward the 
 depot with puffing exertions, and making almost imper- 
 ceptible progress, while the cars are approaching, is very 
 laughable, while it is other than sport to him. A few years 
 since, a very corpulent woman undertook to enter an omni- 
 bus on one of the streets in Boston, the door of which would 
 not allow her ingress. The sight of this failure drew 'forth 
 a hearty laugh from the passers-by, — a laugh which should 
 have been suppressed by a regard for the feelings of the 
 unfortunate female. About the same time, Wendell Phil- 
 lips, in contrasting the politeness of the French with that
 
 ESSAY. 23 
 
 of the American people, related the following: In a well- 
 filled theatre in Paris, he saw a big woman enter one of the 
 boxes with the aid of one man pulling in front, and two 
 shoving after ; and yet there was no laughing at her calam- 
 ity. Ridiculous scenes are sometimes presented to the eye 
 in pictures. Caricatures of politicians belong to this class. 
 I remember seeing a picture in a comic almanac which 
 greatly amused me. A poor washing-woman endeavored 
 to make her ten small children useful by employing them 
 as clothes-pins. These little creatures were represented 
 sitting on the line, fastening the clothes with their feet. A 
 celebrated clergyman of the last century is reported to haA'e 
 said in a sermon, "If I should see Satan running away 
 with several of my parishioners on his shoulders, I could 
 not conscientiously cry. Stop thief ! '^ A drunken man was 
 aroused from his sleep by the roadside, and asked, — 
 
 " Who are you ? " 
 
 He replied, " My name is Cane." 
 
 "Are you that Cain who slew his brother?" 
 
 " No : I am the Cane who got slewed ! " 
 
 A distinguished lawyer was engaged in arguing a case 
 when he was intoxicated. In his objections to the ruling 
 of the judge, he was reprimanded for the use of disrespect- 
 ful language, and reminded that he was in the temple of 
 justice. 
 
 "In the temple of justice!" he replied with a curled 
 lip and a contemptuous tone, and was proceeding in the use 
 of disrespectful language, when the court interrupted him 
 by saying, — 
 
 " iSit down, Mr. Brown ; sit down : you are drunk ! " 
 
 "Right, your honor; right: and it is the only correct 
 decision you have made this term." 
 
 The mirthful effect of a story is greatly increased by its 
 being Hkilfully told, and skilfully a<lapted to the illustra- 
 tion of ti point in an argument or iu a conversation. John
 
 24 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 B. Qough tells the following story in one of his oft-repeated 
 lectures, with tremendous effect : — 
 
 A Yankee, walking the streets of London, looked through 
 a window upon a group of men writing very rapidly ; and 
 one of them said to him, in an insulting manner, " Do you 
 wish to buy some gape-seed ? " Passing on a short distance, 
 the Yankee met a man, and asked him what the business 
 of those men was in the ofl&ce he had just passed. He was 
 told that they wrote letters dictated by others, and trans- 
 cribed all kinds of documents ; in short, they were writers. 
 The Yankee returned to the office, and inquired if one of 
 the men would write a letter for him, and was answered in 
 the affirmative. He asked the price, and was told one dol- 
 lar. After considerable talk, the bargain was made ; one of 
 the conditions of which was, that the scribe should write 
 just what the Yankee told him to, or he should receive no 
 pay. The scribe told the Yankee he was ready to begin } 
 and the latter said, — 
 
 "Dear marm;" and then asked, "Have you got that 
 deoun ? " 
 
 " Yes," was the reply : " go on." 
 
 " I went to take a ride t'other day : have you got that 
 deoun ? " 
 
 " Yes : go on, go on." 
 
 "And I harnessed the old mare into the wagon: have 
 you got that deoun ? " 
 
 " Yes, yes ; long ago : go on." 
 
 " Why, how fast you write ! And I got into the wagon, 
 and sat deoun, and drew up the reins, and took the whip in 
 my right hand : have you got all that deoun ? " 
 
 "Yes ; long ago: go on." 
 
 " Dear me, how fast you write ! I never saw your equal. 
 And I said to the old mare, ' Go Hong,^ and yerked the reins 
 pretty hard. Have you got that deoun ? " 
 
 " Yes ; and I am impatiently waiting for more. I wish
 
 ESSAY. 2 
 
 'ZO 
 
 you wouldn't bother me so with your foolish questions. 
 Go on with your letter." 
 
 " Well, the old mare wouldn't stir out of her tracks ; and 
 I hollered, * Go ^lo7ig, rjou old jade! go ^long.' Have you got 
 that deoun ? " 
 
 "Yes, indeed, you pestersome fellow : go on." 
 
 "And I licked her, and I licked her, and I licked her;" 
 and he continued to repeat these words as rapidly as he 
 could speak them, until he was stopped by the scribe, who 
 told him he had written two pages of " licked her," and he 
 wanted the rest of the letter. 
 
 " Well," said 'the Yankee, " and she kicked, and she 
 kicked, and she kicked ; " and he continued to repeat these 
 words as rapidly as he could speak them, until he was 
 again stopped by the scribe, who to4d him he had several 
 pages of "i/ie kicked" and entreated him to proceed with 
 his letter. The Yankee then employed his tongue in mak- 
 ing the clucking noise by which horses are urged to move, 
 and continued its rapid repetition for some time ; when, 
 seeing the scribe throw aside his pen, he said to him, " Write 
 it deoun, write it deoun." 
 
 The scribe replied, ^' I canH." 
 
 " Well, then," said the Yankee, " I won't pay you." 
 
 The scribe, gathering up his papers, said, " What shall I 
 do with all these sheets upon which I have written your 
 nonsense ? " 
 
 The Yankee replied, " You may use them in doing up 
 your gape-seed," and bid the scribe and his companions 
 good-by. 
 
 This is said to be one of Mr. Gough's most eflbctivo stories. 
 The chief part of the eft'ect results from his matchless, dra- 
 matic manner of telling it. I will give two illustrations of 
 increasing the humorous effect of a story by its iwlapted- 
 ne.ss to sharpen a point. 
 
 The professed prohibitory members of the Massachusetts
 
 26 MI|lTHFtrLNESS. 
 
 Legislature, in 1869, were about equally divided ; one por- 
 tion being called tbe " strict,^' and, the other " the relaxers.^' 
 In discussing the " liquor bill " in the Senate, these two 
 parties opposed each other with great severity. An 
 advocate of a judicious license system, having listened to 
 the sharp, spirited discussion, remarked to persons who 
 asked him how he had been entertained, that the conflict 
 j-eminded him of a story of the E-evolution. A Yankee 
 privateersman, late one afternoon, saw a British man-of-war 
 approaching him in the distance. He put on full sail, with 
 the hope of escaping liis foe by the aid of night. He soon 
 discovered that he was sailing towards another British craft. 
 When it began to be dark, the two British ships raised 
 their lights ; and the Yankee raised one resembling theirs, 
 which he extinguished as soon as his two foes were suffi- 
 ciently near each other to see their respective lights ; and 
 he took a position outside of the line, at a safe distance, and 
 there witnessed the coming-together of the two British ships, 
 each supposing that the other was her victim. For a time, 
 the Yankee witnessed the conflict between the two ships, 
 each pouring broadsides into the other; and he said he 
 enjoyed the sight, and bade the contending parties good- 
 night, wishing both perfect success. The telling of this 
 story produced a hearty laugh, because of its appropriate- 
 ness. 
 
 The same man who told this story was approached 
 by two prohibitory members of the same legislature, who 
 acknowledged to him that they found it very difficult to 
 frame a law upon the subject of liquor-selling. They said, 
 the more the subject was discussed, the greater the difficul- 
 ties appeared. He told them that they reminded him of an 
 old deacon, who could talk so well in the conference-room, 
 that he thought he could preach ; and made an attempt to 
 exercise his gift one day with the consent of the congre-
 
 ESSAY. 27 
 
 gation with which he worshipped. He took the pulpit, 
 iiiimed his t^xt, and proceeded a few minutes, when he 
 broke down ; and, looking around upon his hearers, he said, 
 " Brethren, if any of you think it is an easy matter to 
 preach, just come up here and try it." 
 
 These two illustrations aid in showing the value of such 
 a book as I now present to the public. It will furnish its 
 rea<lers with exciters of the mirthful in themselves, and the 
 means of sharpening the points of their discourse, and of 
 exciting the mirthful in others. With great propriety, 
 my book can be made to adopt the language of a cele- 
 brated patent medicine : " Bwj vie, and I will do you 
 good" 
 
 Believing there is a demand for this work to fill an unoc- 
 cupied place in unnumbered families, as well as in the stud- 
 ies and offices of professional men, I have prepared it with 
 the hofje that it will promote the health and happiness of 
 those who may welcome it to their homes, and use it as a 
 means of removing depression, lightening the cares of life, 
 and of imparting rational enjoyment. In presenting the 
 exciters of mirthfulness which I have collected from my own 
 memory, from periodicals and books, I shall classify them, 
 ad well as I can, for the benefit of the reader. 
 
 The first class will have reference to clergymen. Many 
 of these have been favored with rich veins of wit and humor, 
 whiith have contributed largely to their own and the enjoy- 
 ment of their associates. Some have been restrained in 
 exercising their mirthfulness by the mistaken notion that 
 «uch exercise was inconsistent with professional propriety, 
 Hud even wrong. Some, of whom the celebrated Dr. Clark, 
 the Methodist commentator, was a representative, have in- 
 dulged in plays and plea-santries only when excluded from 
 the public. Dr. Clark, while thus indulging with some of 
 his associates, said to them, " We nmst stop our sport, for
 
 28 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 here comes a fool; " referring to a person approaching them, 
 who disapproved of all pleasantries in clergymen. The work 
 of this class is a sober work ; but it does not conflict with 
 the proprieties of. life, and is not inconsistent with true 
 manliness, which demands, the symmetrical development and 
 harmonious action of all the faculties.
 
 MECDOTES RESPECMG CLERGYMEN.
 
 AMCDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEK 
 
 John Hancock, a graduate of Harvard College, was 
 the minister of Lexington, Mass., from 1G97 to 1752. 
 The following story illustrates his self-reliance and inde- 
 pendence. In the latter part of his ministry, while he was 
 quite aged, but still hale and vigorous, and not a little dis- 
 posed to use his authority, the two deacons, and perhaps 
 others in the church, thought it necessary to put some 
 check upon the good old man. So, on a set time, the dea- 
 cons went to bis bouse to propose that they should have 
 ruling elders in the church. It was thought to be a diffi- 
 cult matter to propose the business to so lofty a man : so 
 the ablest of the deacons undertook it after the following 
 fu.sbion : — 
 
 *' We think, sir," said he, " that, on account of your great 
 age, you ought to have some assistance from the church in 
 your numerous arduous labors." 
 
 " Ah ! " says Mr. Hancock, who knew what was coming, 
 "I know I am old, and I suppose I am feeble too. I thank 
 the church for their kindness ; but how do they propose to 
 help me ? " 
 
 '* Oh ! " said tlio d.-acons, "they thought they would 
 api>oint two ruling eldi-n* to divide the care of the church 
 with you; but they did not wish to do so without ^uur 
 consent." 
 
 81
 
 32 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 "Well, I should like it," said he. " Perhaps they would 
 choose you to the office " (the deacons concurred in 'that 
 opinion) : " they couldn't do better ; you might be of great 
 help to me. But what do you think is the business of 
 ruling elders ? " said he. 
 
 " Oh ! " said the aspirants to the office, thinking the diffi- 
 culty all over, " we will leave that to you : you are a learned 
 man, and have studied the history of the Church." 
 
 " Yes," said he, " I have studied ecclesiastical history a 
 good deal, and paid particular attention to church discipline 
 and government ; and I think I know what ruling elders 
 ought to do." 
 
 " We leave it wholly to you to say what part of your 
 labors they shall attend to," remarked the deacons. 
 
 " Well, then," said the bishop, " I should like to have one 
 of them come to my house before meetings on Sunday, and 
 get my horse out of the barn, saddle and lead him to the 
 door, and hold the stirrup while I get on : the other may 
 wait at the church-door, and hold him while I get off j then, 
 after meeting, he may lead him up to the horse-block. This 
 is all of my work I ever can consent to let ruling elders do 
 for me." 
 
 The office was not filled. 
 
 The following shows that Mr. Hancock could be facetious 
 as well as episcopal : — 
 
 He once visited a wealthy farmer, one of his best friends, 
 who was in the habit of making him presents from time to 
 time. It was in the forenoon ; and the farmer's wife — the 
 husband being in the hay- field — got him for luncheon 
 some brown-bread and cider, and set before him a w^ole 
 cheese, from which he might cut for himself He put his 
 knife on the cheese, first this way and then that, as if in 
 doubt where to begin. 
 
 " Where shall I cut this cheese, Mrs. Smith ? " asked 
 he. ■
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN, 33 
 
 "Cut it where you have a mind to, 'Mi. Hancock," was 
 the answer. 
 
 " Then," said he, " I think I will cut it at home : " so 
 slices of cheese were brought for the lunch, and the whole 
 cheese was put in the minister's saddle-bags. 
 
 Rev. Samuel Moody, minister at York, Me., from 
 1G98 to 1747. 
 
 Father Moody, as he was called, was a very eccentric 
 man. When Cape Breton was taken the first time, Father 
 bloody served as chaplain. After the capture was effected, 
 the officers of the navy and land-forces dined together. 
 Knowing the chaplain's partiality for long religious ser- 
 vices, some of his friends manifested an anxiety that he 
 might occupy so much time in returning thanks, that the 
 food would become cold before they could commence eating 
 it. When called upon to perform this service. Father 
 Moody approached the table, lifting up both hands, and 
 saying, " Lord ! we have so much to bless thee for, we 
 must refer it to eternity ; for time is too short : so bless our 
 food and fellowship for Christ's sake." 
 
 On a journey. Father Moody s:pent a sabbath with a 
 clergyman for whom he preached. The clergyman told him 
 that a portion of his audience were accustomed to go out 
 Wfore meeting was done ; and he had tried in vain to 
 change the custom. Father "Moody .said that thing would 
 not disturb him at all. After naming liis text, the preacher 
 looked round, and said, " My friends, I am going to preach 
 to two sorts of folks to-day, — saints and sinners. Sinners, 
 I am going to give you your portion first; and I would 
 have you give gfx^d attention." After preaching to them a 
 long time, lie paused, and said, " There, sinners, I huvo 
 done with you now. You may take your hats, and go out 
 of the meeting-house as soon as you please." Instead of 
 availjnj; thumselvt'S of this permission, tho wholfi class of 
 
 8
 
 34 MIRTHFtTLNESS. 
 
 sinners present concluded to remain, and hear what the 
 preacher had to say to the saints. 
 
 Among Mr. Moodj-'s stated hearers was a young man, 
 who, when he had a new coat or a pair of squeaking shoes, 
 was accustomed to come into meeting late, for the manifest 
 purpose of attracting attention. After having frequently 
 annoyed Mr. Moody in this way, he walked the whole 
 length of the hroad aisle one sabbath morning in the time 
 of prayer. The moment he stopped in his seat. Father 
 Moody, with an elevated voice, exclaimed, "0 Lord! we 
 pray thee, cure Ned Ingraham of his ungodly strut." 
 
 In Mr. Moody's day, the question was warmly discussed 
 by theologians, "Who was Melchisedec ? " Mr. Moody 
 proposed to preach a sermon in Cambridge, in which he 
 would answer this question. Public notice was given ; and 
 the preacher had a large audience, including the faculty of 
 the college and many of the students. At the close of a 
 very long sermon, containing no allusion to the mysterious 
 high priest, the preacher said, " I promised to inform my 
 audience who Melchisedec was. Melchisedec, my hearers, 
 was the King of Salem." Having made this statement, he 
 closed the services with prayer and benediction. 
 
 Eev. Peter Clark, the grandfather of the compiler's 
 grandfather, was the minister of Danvers, Mass., from 1717 
 to 1768. Mr. Clark was di^inguished for learning and 
 ability as a preacher. A colored servant usually attended 
 him when at home and abroad. In time of an extended 
 and severe drought, several of the neighboring churches 
 met in conference to fast and pray over their calamity. Mr. 
 Clark preached a very solemn and earnest discourse, during 
 the delivery of which, a copious shower, accompanied with 
 thunder and lightning, fell upon the parched earth. At 
 the close of the services, the negro servant remarked, " I 
 knew something would have to corao when Massa Clark
 
 ANECDOTES llESPECTING CLERGYMEN, 35 
 
 took hold. I believe, if de rain hadn't come, Massa Clark 
 would have torn de pulpit all to pieces." 
 
 Rev. IklATHER Byles, D.D., was pastor of Hollis-street 
 Church, Boston, from 1733 to 1776. Dr. Byles was a 
 Tory; and, though he did not introduce his political 
 opiijions into the pulpit, he openly and earnestly expressed 
 them out of it. He severely censured the rising spirit 
 of resistance, largely emploj'ing his prodigious power of 
 sarcasm. 
 
 This unpopular course caused his dismission in '76. At 
 a town-meeting in May, the year following, he was publicly 
 denounced as an enemy to his country, and was subsequently 
 tried before a special court. The charges preferred against 
 him were, that he prayed for the king; that he remained in 
 town during the siege, and received visits from the British 
 olficers. He was sentenced to be banished to England, with 
 hid family ; but this sentence was changed to imprisonment 
 in his own house for a time. During this imprisonment, 
 a sentinel placed over him walked constantly before his 
 door. On one occasion, the doctor persuaded the sentinel 
 to go on an errand for him, promising to take his place. 
 Accordingly, he shouldered his musket, and performed the 
 sentinel's service during his absence ; keeping guard over 
 himself, to the great amusement of passers-by. He was 
 restored to liberty, after a few weeks, by the removal of the 
 guard; but the guard was afterwards replaced, and soon 
 after again dismissed. In reference to these circumstances, 
 he remarked, that " ho had been guarded, regarded, and 
 disregarded.^^ 
 
 Directly opposite his house was a bad slough in wet 
 weather, of which ho liad frequently complained, without 
 effecting its removal. Two of the selectmen who had care 
 of the streets, riding in a chaise, stuck fast in that slough, 
 and were obliged to gut out into th« mud to «xtricatM their
 
 36 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 vehicle. Dr. Byles came out, and, making them a respect- 
 ful bow, said, "Gentlemen, I have often complained to you 
 of this nuisance, without any attention being paid to it. I 
 am very glad to see you stirring in this matter 71010^ 
 
 In 1780, a very extraordinary obscurity pervaded the 
 atmosphere on a particular day, which is always designated 
 as " the dark dayP A lady sent her servant to inquiry of 
 the doctor how this remarkable phenomenon was to be ac- 
 counted for, and whether he really believed that the last 
 day had come. " Give my compliments to your mistress," 
 said he, "and tell her that I am quite as much in the dark 
 as she is." 
 
 On one occasion, Eev. Mr. Prince of the Old South 
 Church agreed to exchange with him, but failed to meet his 
 engagement. The doctor went into his pulpit, and stated 
 his disappointment ; and added, that he was unwilling his 
 audience should retire without at least a word of exhorta- 
 tion : he would therefore briefly address them on an appro- 
 priate passage, which they would find in the third verse of the 
 hundred and forty-sixth Psalm, — " Fut not your trust in 
 princes^ While the guard was standing in front of his 
 house, a visitor asked him what that was standing out there 
 so patiently. " Oh ! " said the doctor, " that''s an observe-a- 
 toryP 
 
 During his trial, one of his parishioners, not distinguished 
 for intellectual brilliancy, bearing the Christian name of 
 Ehen, but usually called Ehhy, was giving in his testimony ; 
 and, not speaking very audibly, the doctor, placing his hand 
 behind his ear, and leaning forward, asked with great grav- 
 ity, " What does that Ebby-dunce (evidence) say ? " To 
 Bishop Parker he whispered on his death-bed, "I have 
 almost got to that world where there are no bishops." Sev- 
 eral years ago, an aged lady, conversing with a living clergy- 
 man respecting Dr. Byles, the pastor of her youth, said, 
 "He rarely came to our house without a lively flow of wit
 
 ANECDOTES KESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 37 
 
 or humor ; and it was so with all the old people at that day : 
 notwithstanding the gravity of their deportment, they had 
 a remarkable love of fun." Our ancestors of the last cen- 
 tury did not enjoy their vigorous old age without the 
 rational exercise of mirthfulness. This fact is well illus- 
 trated in the anecdotes here related. 
 
 Rev. Samuel Hopkins, D.D., was pastor of the church 
 in IladU-y, Mass., from 1755 to 1811. 
 
 While his biographer represents him as a very dignified 
 and magisterial man, — declaring, that, when "he entered 
 the schoolroom to hear the children say the catechism, it was 
 perfectly awful," — he says of him, " His wit and pleasantry 
 were abundant, yet always tempered with prudence." He 
 was attractive to young persons ; and, when in their society, 
 he was the life of the company. His anecdotes, and sallies 
 of wit, were exhaustless. He loved a timely joke, and it 
 mattered little whether the laugh was with him or at him. 
 It is said of him that he would preserve and respect the 
 jokes made at his expense with as much zest as if they 
 were the product of his own wit. He used to tell the fol- 
 lowing. When on exchange at North Hampton, he dined 
 with the governor; and Mr. S. offered him, at dinner, some 
 pudding, which he declined, saying that pudding before 
 preaching made him dull. Gov. S. instantly replied, 
 " Did you not eat pudding for breakfast, sir ? " 
 
 Another story he used to tell was this : On visiting an 
 invalid, ho said to hira, " It is a long time since you have 
 been able to attend meeting: would you not like to have 
 the neiglibors called in, and have mo preach a lecture at 
 your house ? " The invalid replied, " I should like it 
 much : for I have not been able for a long time to get any 
 sleep; and I know, from much experience, that your preach- 
 ing will give me essential aid in this respect." 
 
 By stipulation with his people, he was to receive annually
 
 38 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 so many cords of good hard wood. A parishioner brought 
 a load which contained some soft sticks. Being told of 
 this fact by the doctor, he replied, " And do we not some- 
 times have soft preaching?" 
 
 A neighboring minister, having had his house burned, in 
 which he lost all his sermons, told the doctor that this 
 loss was irreparable. " No ; it is not irreparable : for I will 
 give you one of mine." 
 
 By the death of his first wife, he was left with the care 
 of fourteen children, nine of whom were his own, and five 
 those of his wife by a former husband. A lady residing in 
 Boston was recommended to him as a suitable person for a 
 wife. He called at her residence, sent in his request to see 
 her, and declined entering the parlor until he could learn 
 whether she would entertain his proposition. On her ap- 
 pearance, he introduced himself by telling who he was, the 
 circumstances of his family, and the object of his visit; and 
 requested to know something of her mind before going in, 
 as it might be such as to render it not worth a while to go 
 in at all. Her prompt but respectful reply was, that she 
 had long ago made up her mind on three points : one was, 
 not to go into the country ; another, not to marry a clergy- 
 man ; and another, not to marry a widower with children. 
 " Well, madam," said he, " as these conditions all belong to 
 my case, I think I will go in." The result was, that he 
 obtained in this lady one of the best wives that a country 
 minister ever found, and his fourteen children a step-mother, 
 between whom and their own mother they could scarcely 
 perceive a difference in aflPectionate regards. 
 
 Dr. Joseph Lathrop, pastor of the church in Spring- 
 field, Mass., from 1756 to 1820, was one day called upon by 
 a blustering fanatical religionist, who abruptly asked him 
 this question : "Dr. Lathrop, do you think you have any 
 religion ? " — ^^ None to speak of" was the answer.
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 39 
 
 A man of the same class called upon the doctor, and said, 
 " Dr. Lathrop, I have not committed a sin for the last eigh- 
 teen months." — " Indeed," said the doctor : '' I suspect your 
 neighbors have not discovered it." When asked if the 
 good people of Spriugtield would observe a fast according 
 to usage, he replied that he thought his people preferred 
 feasting to fasting. From my acquaintance with some 
 of the leading citizens of Springfield, who bear noted his- 
 torical names, I should judge that the ancient preference 
 here referred to is still maintained in that flourishing town. 
 A person whose life gave the lie to his claim to Christian 
 character applied to the doctor for admission to his church. 
 The doctor asked him if there had been any change in his 
 feelings on the subject of religion : and he replied, there had 
 not ; but he regarded it his duty to join the church, and 
 wished to be propounded on the ne.xt sabbath. The doctor 
 told him that the church did not send bread and wine to the 
 houses of communicants, unless they were sick ; and, as he 
 had not attended meeting for the last six years, he would 
 not be likely to enjoy the privileges of a communicant if he 
 was favored with church connection. The man acknowl- 
 edged that he had neglected the duty of public worship. 
 The doctor said to him, "Sir, there is another obstacle in 
 the way, which must be removed before the church can con- 
 sent to receive you. People say you are a hard drinker, 
 and that you sometimes get into.xicated." Well, he said, he 
 \iM\ been occasionally overtaken, and li;i<l given people 
 occasion to talk about him ; but he intended to reform. 
 "And when are you going to begin ?" said the doctor. 
 *'Why," said the man, "I do not Bv>e that I can before 
 Thanksgiving." lie was not propounded, lias this man 
 any representatives in Springfield in these prohibitory 
 
 times ? 
 
 On one occasion, a man of a morose disposition, who did 
 not belong to hi« parish, camo to pay him some money
 
 40 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 which he had horrowed of hijm. He said, " You ought not 
 to charge me interest." — " Why not ? " said the doctor. " Is 
 not my money as good as another man's ? " — " But," said 
 the borrower, " the Bible forbids taking usury." The doc- 
 tor replied, " If you examine the subject, you will find that 
 the passage to which you refer makes nothing in your 
 favor. The Jews were not permitted to lend their money 
 on usury to the children of their people ; but there was no 
 prohibition in reference to the heathen." Dr. Lathrop 
 was an eminently happy man, and his happiness was pro- 
 moted by the rational exercise of his mirthfulness in con- 
 nection with his deep and cheerful piety. 
 
 Eev. Samuel J. Mills, minister at Torringford, Conn., 
 from 1769 to 1833, was distinguished for many excellences in 
 connection with his generous flow of wit and humor. He 
 often introduced humorous anecdotes into his sermons, 
 though he was a solemn and impressive preacher. He was 
 distinguished for his hospitality ; and was very generous, es- 
 pecially in the distribution of his fruit. Notwithstanding this 
 trait in his character, the boys one autumn stole his peaches. 
 In a sermon, soon after, he reported a visit he had made in 
 a neighboring town, where the people complained that the 
 boys stole peaches. Hearing this, he said that he expressed 
 his surprise and his abhorrence of such conduct. The reply 
 was, "But, Mr. Mills, don't the boys steal peaches in Tor- 
 ringford ? " — " Dear me ! " said he, " what could I do ? I 
 couldn't lie : I was obliged to answer. Yes." — " In Mr. 
 Mills were combined," says one who knew him, " strength 
 of intellect, comic powers, and deep sensibility." Persons 
 often laughed and wept under the same sermon. On his 
 return from a visit to Vermont, he said, " I was greatly 
 troubled with Vermont musquitoes : a great many of them 
 would weigh a pounds To a neighbor who called on him 
 one evening, Mr. Mills said, " I have been to work to-day like
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 41 
 
 a dog." — " Not like a dog," responded his friend. " Yes," 
 said he, " like a dog : hut of dogs there are many kinds ; 
 and one sort never go a step beyond where they are driven." 
 Iklr. Mills was extravagantly fond of music, though an indif- 
 ferent singer. He believed that music was a means of 
 grace. He planned to have a singing-school taught by an 
 experienced teacher in his parish every winter. At the 
 close of each school, he appointed a singing-lecture. One 
 year, this lecture was preached by Dr. Lee of Colebrook, a 
 writer of music. The preacher's text was, " And it came 
 to pass, when the spirit from God was upon Saul, that David 
 took a harp, and played with his hand. So Saul was re- 
 freshed and was well, and the evil spirit departed from 
 him." At the close of the discourse, according to the 
 custom of the old pastor, he presented himself in the pulpit. 
 "'This," said he, " is true doctrine. I have come into this 
 meeting-house a great many times, and I saw that the 
 Devil was here. I wished to begin service ; but I did not 
 like to introduce the worship of God while the Devil was in 
 the people. I took up my psalm-book, and read ; but I 
 could see him skipping about from pew to pew in the gal- 
 leries. But, the instant the chorister got up and blew the 
 pitch-pipe, he quit, and all was sobriety and decorum among 
 the young people and children." 
 
 Rev. Nathaniel Emmoxs, D.D., pastor of the Congre- 
 gationalist church at Franklin, Mass., from 17C9 to 1840, 
 sometimes indulged in humorous sayings. A person di- 
 rected his attention to a very neat and well-written manu- 
 script ; when the doctor remarked, " What a pity that a man 
 who can write so well hadn't something better to write ! " 
 To a young pn-arlier who had jjrouounced an aljle discourse 
 in his pulpit one sabbath mcn-niiig, lu; said, on entering his 
 study, " I liked your sermon tliis morning very much. It 
 was well arranged, well argued, and well delivered. I have
 
 42 MIETHFTJLNESS. 
 
 but one fault to find with it : it was not true." To another 
 preacher, who seemed to require some mental stimulant, he 
 said, '' Did you ever go over Seekonk Plain ? Your 
 preaching is too much like that, — long and level." A 
 young preacher who had received valuable instruction from 
 him proposed the following question : " Dr. Emmons, 
 why is it- that young clergymen feel so small after talking 
 with you?" — "Because," he replied, "they feel so big 
 before they come here." Another had preached a sermon 
 in his pulpit which touched upon a vast number of topics. 
 " Do you ever mean to preach another sermon ? " inquired 
 the doctor. " Yes, sir," was the reply. " What can you 
 say? You have already preached the whole system of 
 theology." 
 
 A cavilling sceptic, " given to much wine," fond of put- 
 ting puzzling questions to clergymen, once called upon the 
 doctor, and proposed this question : " Dr. Emmons, can you 
 tell me what I am to understand by the soul of man ? " 
 " No," was the reply : " I cannot tell a man that hasrCt got 
 anyP 
 
 At a public dinner, a man claiming to entertain very 
 liberal religious views, being pressed with difficult questions, 
 exclaimed in a loud voice, " Well, every tub must stand 
 upon its own bottom." — "Yes, yes," replied Dr. Emmons; 
 " but what shall those tubs do that haven't any bottoms ? " 
 
 Eev. Thomas Mason, D.D., of Northfield, Mass., was 
 somewhat distinguished in the political as well as in the 
 theological department in the early history of our Common- 
 wealth. He was a man of property ; and used to let money, 
 the legal interest for which was six per cent. Members of 
 his church, hearing that he took seven per cent for the use 
 of money, appointed a committee to wait on him, and ask 
 if the report was true, and try to persuade him to abandon 
 the objectionable practice. The doctor informed the com-
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 43 
 
 mittee that the report was true, and he had made up his 
 mind that he should lend no more money at seven per cent. 
 The committee expressed themselves highly gratified with 
 the decision of their pastor, and were in the act of retiring, 
 when he said to them, " Brethren, I wish you to understand 
 the reason why I have decided not to lend more money at 
 seven per cent. It is this, — / can get eight." For the truth 
 of this anecdote I cannot vouch. 
 
 Rev. Dr. Strong of Hartford was distinguished for his 
 ready wit. A lawyer of his acquaintance, while attending 
 court in Hartford, met the doctor one Saturday afternoon 
 in a bookstore. In the conversation, the lawyer said, 
 " Well, doctor, I think I shall go over to East Hartford, and 
 hear Mr. Yates, to-morrow. I do not think we can expect 
 much from you, seeing you away from your study Saturday 
 afternoon." — " That's right," said the doctor : " I advise you 
 to go ; for I am going to preach to Christians to-morrow." 
 
 Col. Dyer of Windham, who had served as judge a num- 
 ber of years, had been dropped from office by the action of 
 the legislature ; an expedient which had been adopted by 
 other States to get rid of unpopular or incompetent incum- 
 bents, and prohablg will be again. Col. Dyer happened to 
 be at Hartford at the next session of the court after he was 
 dropped, and was standing in the lobby with several 
 others who ha<l been similarly treated, as Dr. Strong came 
 out, after having prayed at the opening of the court. Said 
 Judge Dyer, "Why didn't you pray for us too?" — "I 
 don't pray for the dead," was the doctor's prompt reply. 
 
 A lawyer by the uame of Bacon, a i)arisliioiu'r of Dr. 
 Strong's, walking with a brother-lawyer in Hartford one 
 day, saw his minister appr<»a«;hing, and said to his compan- 
 ion, "Here comes Dr. Strong: I will introtluce you to him, 
 and we will have some sport." After the parties met, and 
 the introduction was effected, Lawyer Bacon said, " Doctor,
 
 44 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 can you tell us why a hog's head, when baked, is called the 
 'minister's face ? " — " Probably," replied the doctor, " for 
 the same reason that the other end of the creature, when 
 smoked, is called bacon ! " 
 
 Rev. Nathan'Tel Howe of Hopkinton was eminently 
 genial, and full of anecdote. He used to relate the following 
 respecting himself: " I was returning one time from driving 
 a load of timber to market, and, being somewhat chilled by 
 the wintery atmosphere, called at a public-house for warmth 
 and refreshment. My step was unsteady, and my hand 
 trembled, as I went to the bar for stimulant to revive me. 
 The bar-keeper looked at me for a moment, and turned 
 away, saying, ' IsTo, no, old man : I cannot give you any 
 thing to drink : you have had too much already.'' " 
 
 Rev. Lyman Beecher, D.D. — This distinguished divine 
 acknowledged his indebtedness to the exercise of his mirth- 
 fulness for his ability to perform the great work of his 
 laborious life. Most of the following humorous incidents 
 connected with this great and good man are taken from his 
 autobiography. In his early days, he lived with his aunt 
 Benton and her husband, who, according to the Puritan 
 custom, kept Saturday night instead of Sunday ; believing 
 that the Christian sabbath commenced at twilight on Sat- 
 urday eve, and closed at twilight on Sunday eve. The 
 rule given to Lyman by those who controlled his religious 
 education was, that he might leave the house for play on 
 the latter evening, when tltree stars could be seen. Being 
 an active child, and fond of sport, he hailed the going-down 
 of the sun' on the sacred day with transporting joy, and 
 Avatched with eager longing for the appearance of the tln-ee 
 expected stars. Read what he says of himself : "One Sun- 
 day evening, I was out playing. The people kept Saturday 
 eve; and the rule was, that children might play on Sunday
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTIKa CLERGYMEN. 45 
 
 eve as soon as they could see three stars. I was so impa- 
 tient, I did not wait for the appearance of the stars. Bill 
 H. saw me, and said, — 
 
 '•' ' That's wicked : there ain't three stars.' 
 
 *' ' Don't care.' 
 
 " ' God says you mustn't.' 
 
 " ' Don't care.' 
 
 "'He'll punish you.' * 
 
 " * Well, if he does, I'll tell Aunt Benton.' 
 
 "'But he is bigger than Aunt Benton ; and he'll put you 
 in the fire, and burn you for ever and ever.' 
 
 " That took hold. I understood what forever was, and 
 what fire was." 
 
 While pastor in Litchfield, Conn., he was several times 
 called to act as advocate for parties before ecclesiastical 
 councils. "I remember," said he, "one case where I had 
 a severe conflict, defending a young minister whose wife 
 was jealous of him." Mr. Edwards, the keenest lawyer in 
 Hartford, was opposed to him; and Judge Perkins was 
 moderator. The case, as presented by common report and 
 by the direct testimony of several witnesses, appeared de- 
 cidedly against the accused; but the doctor's rigid and 
 skilful examination showed up the testimony, and estab- 
 lished the innocence of the young husband, even in the 
 opinion of the wife, who .supposed herself injured, and who, 
 with grateful tears, thanked the doctor for tlie part he 
 acted. One witness, a schoolmaster, who had boarded in 
 the defendant's family, testified to his receiving visits from 
 a young huly by night. Horror-struck, he had heard them 
 converse in their guilty interviews. On the cross-examina- 
 tion, the doctor asked, " How were the rooms occupied by 
 you *nd the defen<hint situated ? " 
 
 "One at tin; north-west, and the other at the soutli-west 
 comer," he said. 
 
 " Did you hear what they said (* "
 
 46 * MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 "No." 
 
 " Did you see her go ? " 
 
 "No." 
 
 " Did you know her voice ? " 
 
 "No." 
 
 " Did you hear any thing more than a buzz ? " 
 
 "No." 
 
 In making the closing argument, the doctor told the 
 council that the schoolmaster's testimony reminded him of 
 a story that old Mr. Dominie of East Hampton used to tell. 
 He was a great hunter, and used to hunt wild geese. One 
 evening, he said he went down to the great pond, where 
 large flocks of geese were feeding. They kept out of reach 
 by day, but came in and fed by the shore at night. " I 
 had put up a small breastwork on the sand," said he, " and 
 lay behind it, waiting. By and by, I began to hear them 
 talk, talk, talk ; conkle, conkle, conkle. I trembled. Heard 
 'em, but couldn't see any thing. At last I drew up, took 
 sight with my ear, fired at the noise, and killed three." 
 
 "Now," said the doctor, " it might do to take sight with 
 your ears in hunting geese, but not men." 
 
 This story convulsed the council with laughter, and aided 
 the doctor in gaining his case. When travelling upon a 
 steamboat on North River, a pert sceptic drew a crowd 
 around him by his loud talk in showing up what he styled 
 the contradictions of the Bible ; among others, that Judas 
 was represented as having hung himself; and also having 
 fallen headlong, and bursting in the fall. Having stated 
 this case, he asked in a triumphant tone, " How can you 
 reconcile these conflicting statements ? " 
 
 "Why, sir," said the doctor, who was listening with 
 others, " the rope broke, I suppose." 
 
 " How d'ye know ? " said he. 
 
 " How d'ye know it didn't ? " said the doctor ; and that 
 dashed him. The company laughed, and he subsided.
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 47 
 
 While listening to a weak and prosy argument in pres- 
 bytery, Dr. Beecher whispered to a clerical brother near 
 him, " I had rather be before that gun than behind it." 
 Another opponent of the doctor, member of the same pres- 
 bytery, had a habit of looking uj), and swinging his head to 
 and fro, while he uttered his hard sayings against the New- 
 School. In the midst of one of his long and dull speeches, 
 tl^ doctor said to a friend sitting near him, " Did j'ou ever 
 know a man who looked up to heaven for light, and got so 
 little?" 
 
 Riding home one night, by moonlight, he saw beside the 
 road what he supposed to be a rabbit, and having a large, 
 heavy book in his hand, hurled it at the creature with all 
 the force he could employ; receiving in return a copious 
 discharge of unmistakable character, whicli required him to 
 bury his clothes, his ponderous volume, and every thing 
 about him, in order to become presentable. In after-life, 
 
 being asked why he did not reply to a certain Mr. , who 
 
 was abusing him through the press, he replied, " I threw a 
 book at a skunk once, and he had tlie best of it. I then 
 made up ray mind never to try that thing again." 
 
 Dr. Beecher depended upon sy>.tematic manual labor, as 
 well as the occasional exercise of his mirthfulness, to main- 
 tain hi.s health and vigor. While in Boston, he used to saw 
 all his own wood, and beg the privilege of sawing that of 
 some of his neighlx)rs. The doctor always kept his wood- 
 saw in excellent onler. He could lile a saw Itctter tlian he 
 could play the fiddle; and his family regarded the music of 
 the filing preferable to tliat of the phiying. Having sawed 
 all his own wood, and aching for exercise, he l(x»ked with 
 envious feelings upon a W(X)d-8awy<'r, upon the opposite side 
 of the street, at work upon a large pile. Dressing himself 
 in his exercising costume, an<l seizing liis well-sharix'm'd in- 
 strument, li<! imrnediatfly joined the wood-.suwycr, wlioiii wo 
 will call W., and profK^sed to assist him ; which [u-oposal
 
 48 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 was accepted. W. had never seen the doctor, but knew 
 him by reputation ; and belonging to another sect, and 
 being attached to his drams, he was violently prejudiced 
 against him. He supposed his associate was employed by 
 Dr. Beecher. Thus he said to him : — 
 
 " Do you work for old man Beecher ? " 
 
 Beecher. "Yes." 
 
 W. " What sort of an old fellow is he ? " , 
 
 B. " Oh ! pretty much like the rest of us. Good man 
 enough to work for." 
 
 W. "Tough old chap, ain't he ?" 
 
 B. " Guess so, to them that try to chaw him up." 
 
 W. " First-rate saw, that of your'n ! " 
 
 This touched the doctor in a tender point. He had set 
 that saw as carefully as the articles of his creed ; every 
 tooth was carefully adjusted; and so he gave a smile of 
 triumph. 
 
 " I say," said W., " where can I get a saw like that ? " 
 
 B. " I don't know, unless you buy mine." 
 
 W. ''Will you trade ? What do you ask ? " 
 
 B. " I'll think about it. Call at the house to-morrow, 
 and rU tell you." 
 
 The next day, W. knocked, and met the doctor at the 
 door, fresh from the hands of his wife, — with his coat 
 brushed, cravat tied, and hair combed, prepared for pastoral 
 duty. Seeing W. before him, the doctor said, — 
 
 " You're the man that wanted to buy my saw. Well, you 
 shall have it for nothing : only let me have some of your 
 wood to saw when you work on this street." 
 
 "Be hanged," said old W., when he used afterward to 
 tell the story, "if I didn't want to crawl into an auger- 
 hole when I found it was old Beecher himself I had been 
 talking with so crank the day before." 
 
 From this time forward, W. was the most enthusiastic 
 admirer and advocate of the doctor; ever ready to affirm
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 49 
 
 that he was a right glorious old fellow, and the only man in 
 Boston who could beat him sawing wood. 
 
 Soon after his marriage, Dr. Bcecher was passing a field 
 where his uncle, who brought him up, was mowing. The 
 old gentleman jokingly cried out, — 
 
 "Halloo, youngster! they say you have no right to 
 preach ; you have never been ordained ; you are not in the 
 euccession." 
 
 " Got a good scythe there, Uncle Lot ? " 
 
 " First-rate." 
 
 "Who made it?" 
 
 " Dun'no : bought it over to the store." 
 
 " If you had another that was made by a blacksmith 
 who you sui)posed could trace his authority for making 
 scythes all the way up to St. Peter, and yet the scythe 
 wouldn't cut any more than a sheet of lead, which would 
 you take to mow with ? " 
 
 " Go along, you rogue ! Ho, lio, ho ! " 
 
 The following, though not printed in the book, may be 
 relied upon as substantially correct in all its parts. The 
 compiler gives it just as it was received from a reliable 
 source. 
 
 A suitable time after the death of his second wife. Dr. 
 Beecher decided that ho would take to himself a third com- 
 panion to share his sorrows and his joys. Having made 
 this decision, he resolved to accomplish his purpose by visit- 
 ing New Englan<l, the place eminent for the production of 
 intelligent Cliristian wives. AVith his object in mind, a 
 purpo.se fully formed, he left his Western home at the com- 
 mencement of the seminary vacation, and, stopping a short 
 tin>e in iioston, proceeded to Bangor, and there, in liis earnest 
 manner, told Dr. l'<jnd that he wanted a wife, and asked 
 him if he knew a suitable lady for such a position. His 
 reverend brother thought a moment, and replied that ho 
 could not think of one in the circle of his acquaintance in 
 
 4 '
 
 50 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 the State. The reverend aspirant to matrimony, intent 
 upon effecting his purpose, asked this brother to think 
 again. In a short time, Dr. Pond said, — 
 
 " There is IVIrs. Jackson of Boston, a memher of your 
 church when you were pastor there, a most estimable lady ; 
 and I think she would make you a good wife." 
 
 " I remember her," said Dr. Beecher ; " and I think she 
 is just the one for me. I shall return to Boston imme- 
 diately, and make known to her my wishes." 
 
 After a very brief stay at Bangor, Dr. Beecher found his 
 way to the house of Mrs. Jackson, who was highly pleased 
 with a call from her former and much-beloved pastor. The 
 doctor requested a private interview, made known his 
 errand, and proposed the important question, with the re- 
 quest of an immediate answer. Mrs. Jackson blushed, and 
 said, — 
 
 " The proposal was wholly unexpected, and she was not 
 prepared to give an immediate answer. She wanted time 
 to think of the subject, and to pray over it." 
 
 "Well," said Dr. Beecher, "suppose we pray together 
 now." 
 
 Mrs. Jackson assented to the proposal, and they knelt 
 together; and the doctoc led in a very fervent prayer, con- 
 fining his petition to the subject under consideration. Im- 
 mediately after they rose from their devotional posture, tlie 
 doctor turned to the new object of his affection, and said in 
 winning tones, — 
 
 " How do you feel now, my dear ? " 
 
 "It is exceedingly difficult to describe my feelings at this 
 moment, doctor," was her excited reply. 
 
 Within three weeks from that date, the "twain were 
 made one " early in the morning ; and they started imme- 
 diately for the new home of the bride. When the doctor's 
 children gathered at that home to see their new mother, he 
 said to them, —
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 51 
 
 "Children, I don'fc suppose your mother loves me very 
 much yet ; but I intend to behave so that slie will." 
 
 Rev. William M. Rogers, of Central Church, Boston. — 
 Wlien Mr. Rogers was pastor in Townsend, Mass., where ho 
 was ordained, he bore the name of Kittle. One of his 
 Townsend parishioners met him, on a ^Monday morning after 
 he had preached a discourse which oft'ended him, and said, 
 '• Well, .sir, I told our folks that the Kittle boiled over yes- 
 terday." 
 
 " I thought you looked as if you were scalded," was the 
 prompt reply. 
 
 At the close of a temporance lecture, which Mr. Kittle 
 delivered in a schoolhouse where were several hard drinkers, 
 one of the latter, as he was going out the door at the close 
 of the lecture, turned round, and cried out, " Mister, can you 
 tell me the way to hell ? " 
 
 " Yes," said the lecturer : " keejp right on in your present 
 course, sir^ 
 
 Rev. Jonathan Frkxch of Andover, Mass., had a salary 
 of three hundred and fifty dollars, besides the parsonage.and 
 his fuel. His people had neglected to bring him his winter's 
 wood one year; and, on the .sabbath before Thanksgiving, he 
 read the proclamation, and added, " My brethren, you per- 
 ceive that his E.xcellency h:us ai)pointed next Thursday as 
 the day of Thanksgiving; and, according to custom, it is 
 \\\\' purpose to prepare two discourses for the occasion, pro- 
 vidoA I can ufrite thnn ii'ithout a fireP Before noon, the 
 n«*xt day, his winter's wood was in his wood-3'ard. 
 
 The following anecdotes are taken from "The Afenioir of 
 Rev. Lemuel Ilaynes," a mulatto clergyman, for .several 
 years pastor of the Congregational church and society in 
 Rutland, Vt., antl subsequently a pastor in (JriinvHle, N.Y.
 
 52 MIRTFIFULNESS. 
 
 His 'biographer says, " It will be evidently difficult, for 
 those who were not acquainted with this eccentric and ex- 
 traordinary man, to see the consistency of his very free in- 
 dulgence in wit, with a uniform and pervading piety." This 
 peculiarity, undoubtedly, improved the character of his 
 piety. 
 
 He went one evening into a store where ardent spirits 
 were sold. In his pleasant manner, he addressed the com- 
 pany : " How d'ye do ? how do you all do here ? " 
 
 The merchant, willing to jest a little, replied, " Oh ! not 
 more than half-drunk." 
 
 « Well, well," said Mr. Haynes, " I am glad there's a re- 
 formation hegunP 
 
 Two reckless young men agreed to try his wit. Meeting 
 him one day, one of them said, " Father Haynes, have you 
 he.ard the good news ? " 
 
 " No," said Mr. Haynes : " what is it ? " 
 
 " It is great news indeed," said the other ; " and, if true,, 
 your business is done." 
 
 "What is it?" again inquired Mr. Haynes. 
 
 "Why," said the first, "the Devil is dead." 
 
 Iji a moment the old gentleman replied, lifting up both 
 his hands, and placing them on the heads of the young men, 
 and in a tone of solemn concern, " poor fatherless chil- 
 dren ! what will become of you ? " 
 
 An uneducated young minister, in conversation with him, 
 remarked that he thought that ministers succeeded well 
 without learning, and that some ignorant ones excelled. 
 
 "Won't you tell me tlien, sir," said Mr. Haynes, "how 
 much ignorance is necessary to make an eminent preacher ? " 
 
 A minister of the Baptist denomination, of high respec- 
 tability, thus accosted him : " Brother Haynes, I love you 
 much, and I can cheerfully give you the right hand of fel- 
 lowship, both as a Christian and a gospel minister ; but I 
 want you to follow Christ down the banks of Jordan."
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 53 
 
 " Oh ! " said he, " I ;im an old man, and the banks of Jor- 
 don are a great way off." 
 
 "You misunderstand me," replied the other; "here is 
 the creek, close by : what hinders you to be baptized ? " 
 
 " brother ! " said Mr. Haynes, " that is not Jor- 
 dan ; that is Otter Creek." 
 
 A minister having had his house burned, and stating the 
 circumstances of the event to Mr. Haynes, he added, that 
 most of his manuscript sermons were consumed with the 
 building. Mr. Haynes replied, "Don't you think, Brother 
 
 , they gave more light from the fire than they ever 
 
 gave from the pul[)it?" 
 
 A physician in a contiguous town, of -rather libertine prin- 
 ciples, in removing to the West, arrived at West Rutland 
 with a retinue of his friends. Mr. Haynes, seeing the doctor 
 drive up and call at the public-house, immediately went there 
 to give him and his family the parting farewell. After the 
 exchange of salutations, Mr. Haynes said to him, " Doctor, I 
 was not aware that you expected to leave this part of the 
 country so soon. I am owing you a small account, which 
 ought to have been cancelled before. I have not the money ; 
 but I will go and borrow it immediately." 
 
 The doctor replied, that he must have all his affairs 
 settled, as he expected never to return to this part of the 
 country. ^Ir. Haynes, as he went out to borrow the money, 
 was called back by the dotrtor, who had previously made out 
 a receipt in full, which he gave to liim, saying, "Here, 
 Father Haynes, is a discharge of your account. You have 
 l>een a faithful servant liere for a long time, and received 
 but small support. I give you the debt." 
 
 Mr. Haynes thanked him very cordially, expressing a 
 willingness to pay; when the doctor adiled, "l)ut, Mr. 
 Haynes, y(ju must pray for me, and make me a good man.'" 
 
 Mr. Haynes ipiickly replied, " Why, doctor, I think 1 had 
 much better pay the debt." •
 
 54 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 He accidentally met a heterodox clergyman, who had re- 
 cently been on a preaching tour in the northern part of the 
 State, and inquired what had been his success. 
 
 " Oh ! good success, sir, very good, great success," replied 
 the clergyman : " the Devil himself can never destijpy such 
 a cause." 
 
 ]Mr. Haynes instantly replied, " You need not be con- 
 cerned : he will never tryP 
 
 The parishioners of a neighboring clergyman strongly 
 desired that their bachelor pastor should take a wife, and 
 some of them requested Mr. Haynes to urge this duty upon 
 him. Mr. Haynes called upon tke clergyman, and presented 
 the claims of matrimony upon him, who acknowledged the 
 force of the argument, and added very emphatically, " I 
 understand, Mr. Haynes, that you have some very fine 
 daughters." 
 
 Mr. Haynes instantly replied, " I have sympathy for you 
 and your parishioners : but, really, I have taken great pains 
 to educate my daughters, and much care to prepare them for 
 usefulness ; and I hate to throw them away." 
 
 Mr. Haynes, meeting a clergyman who was writing a 
 book, asked him if the report as to what he was doing* was 
 true ; and, being answered in the affirmative, said, " You 
 have just as good a right to make a book as those that know 
 howP 
 
 Being invited to officiate at a wedding, the bridegroom 
 asked what his usual compensation was. Mr. Haynes 
 humorously replied, " It depends entirely upon the parties. 
 If they are promising and respectable, we of course receive 
 a liberal reward ; but, if they are what we call poor things, 
 but little is expected." A munificent marriage-fee was paid. 
 
 Kev. Mr. Miles of Temple, KH., wlio died there at an 
 advanced age between thirty and forty years ago, was 
 eccentric and witty.*
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 55 
 
 As an article in the town-warrant respecting the painting 
 of their meeting-house was under discussion, aud different 
 colors were reconimended by difterent speakers, Mr. Milee 
 arose, and said, '* Mr. Moderator, I recommend that we paint 
 our meeting-house neio-rum color ; for, in looking at the noses 
 of some of my parishioners, I have discovered that that is 
 a color wliich grows brighter and brighter every year." 
 
 At the close of a sabbath ser\nce, he gave notice that he 
 was going on a mission that week ; but added, ^' I am not 
 going out of town : I am going to preacli at Seth Blood's on 
 Thursday afternoon at three o'clock." 
 
 In preaching about hypocrites making clean the outside 
 of the cup and platter, but leaving the inside filthy, he 
 said, " For all practical purposes, it would be better to have 
 the outside dirty, if one must be ; but even that would be a" 
 sluttish trickJ' 
 
 An able clergyman, still living in New Hampshire, en- 
 joying a reraarkabl}'^ vigorous old age, was distinguished 
 for his wit in the active season of his life. 
 
 During the first year of his settlement, he intended to 
 visit every family in his parish, aud thought he had accom- 
 plished his purpose; when he was told that he had omitted 
 one, the head of which felt the slight very keenly. He 
 immediately calK-d upon the cuuiplainer, and sard, "Becom- 
 ing tired of waiting for a call from you, I have concluded to 
 make the introductory call myself." The man apologized, 
 saying he did not know that it was his duty to make the 
 first call. 
 
 A member of his church, becoming oft'ended witli a 
 brother, absented hims<'lf from the communion two or three 
 times, after which he rall»-<l upon his pastor, and charged 
 liim with the neglect of duty in not looking after his "wan- 
 dering Hheep," referring him to the i)arablo of the man aud 
 hi» hundred sheep, — the man leaving the ninety aud nine,
 
 56 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 and going in pursuit of the lost one. The pastor said he 
 knew it was his duty to look after the sheep, but not the, 
 goats. 
 
 The Freemasons celebrated St. John's Day in his village 5 
 and the public address was delivered in his church by a 
 brother-clergyman, who asked him to accompany him into 
 the pulpit, and there offer prayer. The invitation was 
 accepted. In praying for the institution, he said, " O Lord ! 
 we pray for we know not what. If it be good, bless it ; but, 
 if it be had, curse it." 
 
 He was invited to the dinner, and there called upon for 
 a sentiment. He gave the following : " John the Baptist : 
 He did not feast on pigs and punch and turkeys : his meat 
 was locusts and wild honey. He did not wear an apron : 
 his loins were girt about with a leathern girdle." — "How 
 do you know he did not wear an apron, Mr. M. ? " said 
 the presiding officer. "The Scriptures do not inform us 
 that he did," was the prompt reply. 
 
 In addition to performing his pastoral duties, Mr. M. 
 superintended a productive farm, and, during some seasons 
 of the year, performed a good deal of farm labor. A neigh- 
 boring clergyman called upon him in haying-time, late in 
 the week, and solicited an exchange of pulpits on the fol- 
 lowing sabbath, saying that he had been away from home, 
 and could not prepare for his own pulpit. Mr. M — said 
 his engagements at home were such that he could not ac- 
 commodate him. 
 
 " Well," said his brother, " if you cannot exchange with 
 me, give me a text." 
 
 "That I can do," said Mr. M. "Take this: 'I come 
 not to you with excellence of speech,' and you will prove it." 
 
 Riding on horseback near his house one day, wearing his 
 farmer's frock, he met a green young man in pursuit of 
 labor, who asked him if he knew of a person who wished to 
 hire a man. Mr. M, told him he did ; and, if he would
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 57 
 
 call at his house, he would soon return, and talk with 
 him. 
 
 '' Where in is your liouse ? " said the rough country- 
 man. 
 
 ''' Oh I I don't live in . I live in yonder house," suit- 
 ing the action to the word. 
 
 A clergyman, who succeeded Mr. M. in the pastoral 
 office, came to his congregation one sabbath, and said, im- 
 mediately before announcing his text, " I am aware that 
 there is strong prejudice in the minds of people against 
 old sermons. That the sermon I am about to preach may not 
 encounter this prejudice, I will assure my hearers that it is 
 not old; for it was first preached in this pulpit less than six 
 months ago." 
 
 This same pastor, seeing a number of his congregation 
 asleep, with heads thrown back and mouths open, on a hot 
 summer's day, stopped a few seconds, and, looking around, 
 said, " I should think that some of my audience are better 
 prepared to swallow the preacher than the preach i /iff." 
 
 Rev. !Mr. BuRCHARD, the celebrated revivalist, having 
 closed a very successful protracted meeting at Cavendish, 
 Vt., some forty years ago, on his way with his wife to 
 "Woodstock, in a lonrly place met a tin peddler. Stopping 
 his horse, Mr. IJurchard ro.se in his carriage, and in loud 
 and solemn tones exclaimed, " Stop, young man ! you are 
 directly on the road to hell!" The peddler remained 
 Bili-nt a moment, scratching his head, and then calmly re- 
 plied, ^^Jiuft my pliKjny lurk : they told me, hack here, that 
 this was the road to Cavendish." 
 
 Rev. Mr. Si'KAOue of Dublin, N.TI., was a very eccen- 
 tric man, and, thougli liberally educated, seenu-cl to bo 
 dcHtituto of common 8en»e. Being told that his bcuns had 
 come up wrong, ho piiHcd them uj), and phiced the top9
 
 58 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 downward. When travelling, he ordered a bushel of oats 
 for his horse ; and, when the hostler told him his horse could 
 not eat them, lie replied, that he could eat a bushel of hay, 
 and oats were better than hay. When on a visit to Mr. 
 Ainsworth of Jafifrey, wearing a new suit of clothes, the 
 two walked out into a pasture together in which there were 
 some high bushes, that had grown up in land which had 
 been burned over. Not far from those bushes was a black 
 charred stub. While the two were walking near this, a 
 black, hornless cow emerged from the bushes ; when Mr. 
 Ainsworth cried, " A bear, a bear ! " Greatly alarmed, Mr. 
 Sprague asked, " What shall I do ? " Mr. Ainsworth 
 replied, " Climb that stub ; " which Mr. Sprague attempting 
 to do, got essentially blacked. One day, his housekeeper 
 placed a cooked chicken upon his table, which had but one 
 leg. When he called her attention to the fact, she asked 
 him if he did not know that chickens shed one leg in the 
 autumn. He was sure he didn't. Soon after, on a frosty 
 morning, she called him to the door, where he saw a portion 
 of his flock with apparently one leg each. This satisfied 
 the parson. With all his lack of common sense, he occa- 
 sionally manifested some wit. He and Mr. Ainsworth 
 differed on some theological points. Mr. Ainsworth be- 
 lieved with Dr. Hopkins in disinterested benevolence. Mr. 
 Sj^rague rejected this dogma. At a dinner of the ministerial 
 association of which they were both members, Mr. Ains- 
 worth attempted to draw Mr. Sprague into an argument on 
 this subject. The latter refused to argue, saying he was 
 convinced, thoroughly convinced, that there were instances 
 of disinterested benevolence. A brother asked, " Did Mr. 
 Ainsworth's arguments convince you ? " — " Oh, no ! " Mr. 
 Sprague replied. " What has convinced you then ? " he 
 was asked. " I'll tell you what has convinced me," said 
 Mr. Sprague. "The people of Jaffrey pay Brother Ainsworth 
 five hundred dollars a year for just nothing at all."
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLEUGYMEN. 59 
 
 Mr. Spragiie had a small salary. An article was put into 
 the town-warrant to see if the town would increase his sal- 
 arj'. "When the article came up, lie rose, and said, " Mr. 
 Moderator, I beg of you not to increase my salary ; for it 
 plagues me almost to death to collect what you now raise." 
 Though poor in the early part of his ministry, he was sub- 
 sequently made ricli by a large legacy from his father's es- 
 tate. In the hope of being his heir (a hope that was realized), 
 the parish retained him as their minister; though they were 
 not interested in his preaching, and comparatively few at- 
 tended public worship. He gave notice, one sabbath, that 
 a strange minister would occupy his pulpit on the following 
 sabbath. Before the people assembled, he entered the pulpit, 
 and secreted himself there until an unusually large congre- 
 gation was collected ; when he arose in his place, and ex- 
 claimed, ''• Xow Foe got you. I am the strange minister 
 advertised to preach here to-day." 
 
 The town of Dublin, and the Unitarian society there, 
 inherited the handsome property left by this eccentric 
 man. 
 
 UNITARIAN CLERGYMEN. 
 
 Dr. David Babn'ES was accustomed to describe the 
 character of parties he married and buried, and generally 
 contrived to do this without giving oflence. Officiating at 
 the funeral of a respectable parishioner who had been guilty 
 of an immorality in early life, the doctor, after having dwelt 
 upon th».' g<x>d traits in Ins character, at the clo.so of a sud- 
 den pause proceeded : "In short, we know nothing against 
 the character of our deceased friend, save in the matter of 
 Uriah: and for this everybody forgave him; but he could 
 never forgive himself"
 
 QO MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 Dr. Samuel West of New Bedford was told that the 
 members of his choir had given out that they should not 
 sing on the next sabbath, in consequence of some difficulty 
 which had arisen. On Sunday morning, the doctor gave 
 out his hymn. After reading it, he said very emphatically, 
 " You will begin with the second stanza, — 
 
 ' Lf t those refuse to sing 
 Who never knew our God.' " 
 
 The hymn was sung. 
 
 The doctor, being in Boston on a Saturday, did not reach 
 his home until meeting-time sabbath morning, on ac- 
 count of a rain-storm. While in Boston, some friend had 
 furnished him with a ruffled shirt, with ruffles upon the 
 wristbands and in the bosom. Having rode in the rain and 
 mud, his ruffles were wet and dirty ; but there was not time 
 to make a change. His daughter buttoned up his vest so 
 as to hide the bosom ornaments entirely, and tucked the 
 ruffles in about the wrists. During the opening services, all 
 went well. But, probabl}'- feeling uneasy about the wrists, 
 he twitched at them till the ruffles were flourishing about; 
 and then, growing warm as he advanced, he unbuttoned his 
 vest, and exhibited his muddy finery in a manner not calcu- 
 lated to aid him in the spiritual edification of his hearers. 
 Such were the peculiarities of his mind, that he was igno- 
 rant of his unministerial appearance on that occasion, and 
 could not tell who furnished him with his ornamented 
 shirt. 
 
 Dr. Barnes of Scituate was an eccentric man. Being 
 called to officiate at the funeral of a female whose sole 
 mourner was an adopted son, he began his prayer thus : 
 " Strange kind of funeral this. Lord ; very strange ! Ko 
 father, no mother, no brother, nor sister ! There's a young
 
 ANECDOTES KESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 61 
 
 man" (suiting the action to the word) "that calls her 
 mother." 
 
 At iin ordination, he commenced his prayer thus: "0 
 Lord ! thou knowest that it is ordination-day." 
 
 Kev. Joseph Motley, being very hostile to what he 
 understood to be the Hopkins view of the native character 
 of man, met an eminent neighboring clergyman of the 
 Hopkinsian class one day, who informed him that an infant 
 daughter hud recently become a member of his family. Dr. 
 Motley aj^ked what name he had given his child. "Ange- 
 lina," was the reply. " Angelina ! " said Mr. Motley : " I 
 should think, that, with your notions, you would call her 
 Beelzebula." 
 
 A parishioner said to him one day, " Mr. Motley, you are 
 a very odd man." — " Yes," said he : " I set out to be a very 
 good man, and soon found that I could not be without being 
 very odd." 
 
 Dr. KiRKLAND, President of Cambridge College, was 
 thought by the students to have a very keen irfsight into 
 character. They found it exceedingly difficult to obtain 
 leave of absence on a false pretence of being unwell. A 
 youth of good sentiments and purposes, under the influence 
 of [>eculiar temptation, desiring to attend a ball that was to 
 come off in iiis native town, waited upon the president, and 
 ;:ilsely represented that the state of his health required him 
 ro su.spend studying for a time, and return to his homo. 
 The penetrating eye of the president detected the secret 
 embarrassment wliich a sense of guilt was revealing, while 
 the pretended invalid was flattering himself with the belief 
 that he was acting his part with complete success, Ui)on 
 hearing this statement, the president took his pen, and 
 wrote the desired leave of absence; and, as he handed it to 
 the guilty applicant, he very pleasantly observed, " Physi-
 
 62 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 cians have remarked this peculiarity in the climate of Cam- 
 bridge, — that sicknesses prevail within the jiTecincts of the 
 college in a greater proportion to the deaths than in any 
 other placeP This was said with a smile so pleasant, and a 
 look so keen, as to convince the guilty youth that he was 
 detected, and to cure him of this kind of deception. 
 
 The following is from the pen of Dr. Stearns, President 
 of Amherst College: "I called at the study of Dr. Kirk- 
 land to obtain leave of absence a few days before the term 
 closed. He hesitated, and made sundry inquiries. He 
 knew the character of my religious education and predilec- 
 tions. At length, moving upon me in the line of my sup- 
 posed prejudices, he said, 'I don't know, Stearns, about 
 letting you go now. Perhaps no evil would come of it ; but 
 I don't know what might be the consequences. You know 
 that there is a special providence. I once heard of a person 
 who was going along by a tree when some men were cutting 
 it down ; and, just as he went by, the tree suddenly fell, and 
 killed him. Now, there was a special providence in it. If 
 he had gone a little before, or a little after, he would have 
 been safe ; but, going just as he did, he lost his life.' I 
 looked at him, and saw there was fun in his eye, and thought 
 he would not be offended by an answer in kind. ' Well, sir,' 
 said I with the utmost solemnity, ' if you think there will 
 be danger in my going just at the time I have mentioned, I 
 can go, if you please, a little before.'' — 'Well, well, Stearns,' 
 said he, ' so you can. There is something in that. You 
 may go ; you may go.' " 
 
 Dr. Bellows of ISTew York ijiade the following record 
 respecting Dr. William Ware : " Mr. Ware had a dry 
 humor about him very delightful to his intimate friends. 
 I remember his walking down Broadway with me the day 
 before my ordination in New- York City as his successor. 
 Assuming a very solemn expression, he said, ' Sir, I wish
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. C3 
 
 to give you ono verj'' serious piece of advice in entering 
 upon 3'our new life in this great and dangerous city.' I 
 opened m}' ears to take in the consummate counsel, in which 
 I was prepared to find the wisdom of his life and ministry 
 condensed. * Be careful, sir, be very careful, not to step on 
 the cocd-lioles. Slippery pests when shut, and perilous traps 
 when open, they certainly are.' " 
 
 Rev. Dr. PiEUCE of Brookline, Mass., had a rich vein 
 of wit and humor, from which he drew largely for his own 
 an 1 the amusement of others. He exercised a truly cath- 
 olic spirit, and manifested an interest in all parties and 
 measures designed for good. He retained a life-interest in 
 the Orthodox Congi'egationalists, whose public meetings 
 he used to attend with apparent i)l('asure. He was full 
 of anecdotes, and enjoyed the mirthful, ever wearing a 
 sinilin;^ countenance, and occasionally indulging in a 
 hearty laugh. Wlien asked why he mingled so much with 
 evangelical Christians, he used to^ say, he was like the 
 negro who dreamed that he died and went to the gate of 
 lieaven, and the porter told him that the city was divided 
 into seotiuns, each one of which was occupied b}'^ a particu- 
 lar denomination. " But," said the porter, *•' you, Cuffee, may 
 go where you mind to." His ruling passion for fun was 
 strong in his season of weakness. A short time before ho 
 (lit'd, when the infirmities of age were pressing hard upon 
 him, at his request his congregation met him at the dunrh 
 to receive his farewell, both parties knowing that the time of 
 his departure was at hand. He was conducted to an arm- 
 chair on the platform in front of the pulpit. When the time 
 came for him to address the people, he was unable to riso 
 witliout assistance. He was aided by two men, one lifting 
 at ejich arm. While receiving this aid, ho remarked, so as 
 to be heard by most of the congregation, " I no longer be- 
 long to the risinf/ generation."
 
 64 MIRTH FULNESS. 
 
 EPISCOPAL CLERGYMEK 
 
 In tlie year 1766, a singing-master went to Middletown, 
 Conn., and proposed to teach the young people the art of 
 singing " fugue-tunes." He was employed by the Congre- 
 gationalists, who had previously sung " Old Hundred," 
 " Mear," " Plymouth," ** Plympton," &c. Knowing that 
 Bishop Seabury was to make his first visitation to that 
 town about the time his school would close, the ambitious 
 music-teacher told the Episcopal church that he would 
 teach their youth without charge, and, with the choir of 
 both churches, would conduct the music on the occasion of 
 the contemplated visitation. Some of the old people ob- 
 jected to the proposal ; but it was accepted. In due time, 
 the bisliop arrived. Great preparation was made, especially 
 by tlie new choir of. amalgamated singers. The galleries 
 were crowded with four solid columns, — tenor, counter, 
 treble, and bass. The last psalm given out was the hun- 
 dred and thirty-third, the second stanza of which is as 
 follows : — 
 
 " True love is like the precious oil, 
 Which, poured on Aaron's head, 
 Ban down Ms beard, and o'er his robes 
 Its costly moisture shed." 
 
 The singing-master gave out the tune, — " Montgomery." 
 When they came to the third line of the second stanza, the 
 counter-solo sang, " Han down his beardy Then the treble, 
 then the tenor, sang the same words, the latter succeeding 
 the former; and, to complete the chorus, the bass, with sono- 
 rous voice, cried out, '■^ Han down his beard.'''' To clap the 
 climax, the stanza was repeated ; thus distinctly declaring, 
 eight times, that the oil " ran down his beard.''^ After the 
 services, the singing-master, with many distinguished gen- 
 tlemen, dined with the bishop, who entertained the com-
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 65 
 
 pany with his superior conversational powers on various 
 subjects, but made no allusion to the performances of the 
 choir. When a portion of the company, including the 
 singing-master, were in the hall preparing to retire, the dis- 
 appointed musician exclaimed with groat agitation, *' Gen- 
 tlemen, I am disappointed, I am astonished ! " One of 
 the company inquired, "What is the matter?" — " Whj^, 
 the bishop never said one word about our music. I am sure 
 he never heard such music, even in London." — " Do j'^ou 
 wish the bishop's opinion on this subject ? " said on6. " I 
 do," said the teacher. The gentleman stepped back into 
 the room, leaving the door partly open, and, addressing the 
 bishop, said, " Among the many deeply-interesting subjects 
 of this day, what do you think of our singing?" 
 
 " Wby, sir," said the bishop, " I do not feel prepared to 
 express an opinion ; for my sympathy was so much excited 
 for Aaron, that I did not pay that attention to the singing 
 which would render me competent to judge of it." 
 " Pray, sir, why such sympathy for Aaron ? " 
 " Why, sir, I was fearful, that, by running down his beard 
 eif/ht times, they would not leave a single hair on his 
 face." 
 
 This pro<luced a hearty laugh among the gentlemen, and 
 the following exclamation from the singing-master: — 
 " An old fi->(^l ! 1I(! is no judge of music at all ! " 
 An Episcopal clergyman, called to officiate at a funeral 
 and a wedding, on exchange with a clerical brother, told his 
 family, on his return home, that he had buried a Tankard 
 and married a Pitcher, referring to the names of the two 
 families ho liad visited ; the one in sorrow, and the other 
 
 i" joy- 
 
 Till- widow of Dr. J<ilni II. Rice gives the following 
 account of Dr. John Huciianan: — 
 
 "lie had an exuberance of good biimor; and was never
 
 66 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 reluctant to either give or take a joke, ao tliere might be 
 occasion. As he was an Arminian in his religious views, 
 my husband used to hold discussions with him on points of 
 difference between them. Once, when they were talking 
 earnestly upon the subject of free agency, Dr. Eice, by way 
 of illustrating his freedom, got up, and walked across the 
 room. 
 
 "'Ah!' said Dr. Buchanan jocosely, 'you maybe free 
 here, in a bachelor's study ; but I doubt whether you are 
 free sSt home.' " 
 
 Dr. Buchanan was a very benevolent man. A person 
 called upon him, professing to be a clergyman, who had lost 
 his trunk and money, and had not the means of reaching 
 home. The doctor gave him an order on the treasurer of a 
 charitable association, of which he was president, for twenty 
 dollars, to enable him to prosecute his journey homeward. 
 The treasurer thought that the beneficiary bearing the 
 order was a female ; and to satisfy himself that the whiskers 
 were put on for a deceptive purpose, pretending to poke off 
 something that had lighted on them, he poked so hard, that 
 the whiskers fell from the pretended parson's face, which 
 proved to be the face of a woman. The treasurer afterward 
 exulted over the doctor, claiming superior discernment in 
 discovering the impostor. The doctor replied, " Your suc- 
 cess only shows your familiarity with bad society." 
 
 Kev. Dr. Harris, for many years President of Columbia 
 College, was previously a Congregationalist minister, and 
 Dr. Lyell had been a Methodist preacher. Both of these 
 divines were distinguished for their wit and humor, and 
 were accustomed to indulge in innocent jokes. These gen- 
 tlemen, in their pleasant social intercourse, would sometimes 
 be rather sharply witty, without, however, disturbing the 
 friendly feeling that existed between them. 
 
 On one occasion, in the midst of conversation, Dr. Harris
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN, 67 
 
 said, " Brother Lyell, how did you ever get into the Episco- 
 pal Church?" 
 
 "' And pray, Brother Harris, how did you ever get into 
 it?" 
 
 " Oh ! ' with a great price obtained I this freedom.' " 
 
 " ' But I was free-born.' " 
 
 This ready reply had reference to the fact that his parents 
 were Episcopalians, who caused his baptism in infancy. 
 Dr. Lyell always retained a friendl}' feeling toward Method- 
 ists, and often said that he was never so well supported as 
 while in their service. He entertained great respect for 
 Bishop Asbury. Speaking highly of the pioneer bishop in 
 company with several of his clerical brethren, one of them 
 remarked, that he had one good trait in his character; "Ae 
 was not ashamed of Jiis poor relations." 
 
 PRESBYTERI.VN CLERGYMEK 
 
 In 1755, Rev. Charles Beatty was invited to become 
 chaplain to the Pennsylvania troops that were about to be 
 sent, under the command of Dr. Franklin, to defend the 
 north-western frontiers of the State ; and accepted the invi- 
 tation. With respect to that canii)aign, Franklin made the 
 following amusing record : " Wc had for our chaplain a 
 zealous I'rcsljyterian minister, ^Ir. lieatty, who complained 
 that the men did not generally attend his ])rayers and ex- 
 hortations. Wlien they enlisted, they were promised, besides 
 l»ay and provisions, a gill of rum a day ; which was punctu- 
 ally served out to them, lialf in the morning, and half in the 
 evening. And I oI).s('rv'('d they were {)unctual in attending 
 to riM-(Mve it: upon which 1 Hai<l to Mr. Beatty, 'It is, per- 
 haps, below the dignity of your profession to act as steward 
 of tlio rum ; but, if you would distribute out only just after 
 prayers, you would liave them all about you.' Ho liked tho
 
 68 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 thought, jndertook the work, and, with the help of a few 
 hands to measure out the liquor, executed it to general sat- 
 isfaction ; and never were prayers more generally and more 
 punctually attended. So that I think this method prefera- 
 ble to the punishment inflicted by some military laws for 
 non-attendance on divine service." 
 
 Rev. JoHisr Strain of New Jersey was a very sedate 
 man, and a very solemn and impressive preacher. At the 
 Synod of Philadelphia, Mr. Strain acted as clerk. One day, 
 when he dined with Dr. DufSeld, who was fond of a joke, 
 the latter slipped into the coat-pocket of the .former, in 
 which were many papers of the synod, a pack of cards, 
 loosely rolled up in a paper. When they returned to the 
 church, and the session was opened. Strain arose to read a 
 paper, and, thrusting his hand into his pocket, drew out the 
 cards, and scattered them over the table and the floor. 
 Duifleld enjoyed the fun. The clerk, nohow embarrassed, 
 but with awful solemnity, looking at Dr. DuflSeld, said, 
 " When I see that man in the jjulpit, I am so delighted and 
 edified with his preaching, that I feel as if he ought never 
 to come out ; but, when I see his levity out of the pulpit, I 
 am disposed to think he never should enter it again." 
 
 Rev. Samuel Taggart, a Presbyterian clergyman in 
 New England, and fourteen years a member of Congress, 
 was somewhat distinguished both as a minister and a poli- 
 tician. While at a tavern, near Albany, one evening, a 
 man from Albany related some interesting event, employing 
 many profane words. Mr. Taggart turned to him, and said, 
 " Sir, you are a stranger to me : but you appear to be a 
 person of intelligence and integrity ; and I should be willing 
 to take your word without an oath, and I presume the rest 
 of the company would likewise." The speaker received the 
 reproof kindly, and apologized for liis profanity.
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 69 
 
 Julin Randolph, being with Mr. Taggart in Congress, said 
 to him, with characteristic keenness, "'With whom hast 
 thou left those few sheep in the wilderness?'" (1 Sam. 
 xvii. 28.) 
 
 Dr. Stepuex B. Balch, a humorous Presbyterian clergy- 
 man of eminent social qualities, used to urge young ministers 
 to marry as soon as they were settled. As he was often 
 appointed " to give the charge " to newly-installed pastors, 
 he frequently hinted at what he regarded a duty on this 
 subject in that solemn exercise. On one of these occasions, 
 he sai<l, with a peculiar archness of tone and manner which 
 produced a general smile, " ' A bishop ' must not only be 
 ' blameless,' but ' the husband of one wife.' " 
 
 Dr. John Breckexridge of Kentucky was met one day 
 by a gentleman and lady, the former of whom strongly 
 objected to Dr. Breckenridge's Calviiiistic sentiments, while 
 lie greatly admired his character and talents. lie intro- 
 duced the lady as his wife ; adding sportively, " Dr. Breck- 
 enridge, my wife is one of your sort of folks. She believes 
 that what is to be will be." 
 
 " Ah ! " said the doctor ; " and I suppose we are to under- 
 stand that you are one of the sort who believe that what is 
 to be won't be." 
 
 CLERGYiyrEN OP OTOER COUNTRIES. 
 
 Robert IIali., an English Baptist clergyman of great 
 distinction, possessed a rich vein of wit. On one occasion, 
 he wa-s invited, tlie principal guest, to a large dinner-party. 
 The bwly of tlx^ house [in-purtMl cvi-ry didicacy the season 
 fiirnishcil, and laid out the table in the lirst style of ele- 
 gatu;e. On the party being assembled, alid while taking 
 their unuta, she began to apologize to Mr. Hall that she
 
 70 MIIJTHFULNESS. 
 
 could only offer him so plain a dinner, professed her great 
 sorrow, and hoped he would excuse the absence of better 
 entertainment. Grieved with so gross a Adolation of pro- 
 priety and Christian simplicity, Mr. Hall retorted with con- 
 siderable severity of manner, " Well, madam, why did you 
 not get something better? you knew that I was coming." 
 At a missionary-meeting, Mr. Hall and an aged minister 
 both spoke, the former in an address, and the latter in a 
 
 sermon. The sermon by Mr. was a striking contrast 
 
 to the address by Mr. Hall. The one was light, ludicrous, 
 and triiiing; the other solemn, instructive, and energetic. 
 At the close of the day, when both parties met around the 
 social hearth, Mr. Hall became lively, and extremely 
 amusing. '' Brother Hall," said the old gentleman, " I 
 am surprised at you." — " Surprised at me, sir ? why are 
 you surprised at me ? " — "■ Why, Brother Hall, it appears 
 inconsistent for you to indulge in frivolous conversation 
 after delivering so serious a discourse." — " Indeed, sir," 
 replied Mr. Hall, " I- don't think I am by any means in- 
 consistent ; for the truth is. Brother , I keep my non- 
 sense for the fireside, while you publish yours from the 
 pulpit." 
 
 Mr. Hall, being an independent man, often winced under 
 the control exercised, or attempted to be exercised, by Eng- 
 lish dissenters over the preaching of their pastors. Dr. 
 Chalmers told the following anecdote of him: ''A mem- 
 ber of his flock, presuming on his weight and influence in 
 tlie congregation, took him to task for not more frequently 
 and fully preaching predestination ; and expressed the hope, 
 that, in future, this subject would receive more attention 
 from him. Mr. Hall, feeling indignant, looked steadily at 
 his censor for a time, and then replied, "Sir, I perceive 
 that you are predestinated to be an ass ; and, what is more, 
 I see that you are determined ' to make your calling and 
 election sure,' "
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 71 
 
 Mr. Hall, being unsuccessful in securing the hand of a 
 Miss Steel, while smarting under his disappointment took 
 tea with a company of ladies ; one of whom, the lady of the 
 house, said in bad taste, " You are dull, Mr. Hall ; and we 
 have no polished steel here to brighten you." — " mad- 
 am ! " replied Mr. Hall, " that is of no consequence : you 
 have plenty of polished brass." 
 
 There lived in the neighborhood a minister, a worthy lit- 
 tle man, of an amiable disposition, but very self-conceited. 
 He would intrude himself into Mr. Hall's company, greatly 
 to his annoyance, and tjien go away and Itoast of his inti- 
 macy with that distinguished divine. On a Saturday morn- 
 ing, he begged permission to see Mr. Hall for a moment or 
 two on impoi'fant Inisiness. Having gained access to his 
 study, the little man began to make an apology for the 
 intrusion, and to say, that, being in town, he thought he 
 must call and see his friend Hall, &c. Mr. Hall stopped 
 him in the midst of his harangue, and said, " My dear 
 friend, do not apologize. I am glad to see you : indeed, I 
 was never more delighted to see a man in my life. Why, 
 sir, I had Sir James Mackintosh here till three o'clock this 
 morning; and his conversation, sir, has absolutely carried 
 me away to the third heavens. Why, sir, it is more than I 
 can sustain. I am glad ?/ou have come ; for i/ou will soon 
 compel me to fuel that I am yet among the creeping/ tilings 
 of earth." 
 
 Rev. Rowland Hill, pastor of Calvinistic dissenters, 
 preached in Sum-}' Chapel nearly fifty years, and, dying in 
 18o3, was buried in a vault under the chapel. During his 
 ministrj', he interlarded his sernums with many pregnant 
 anecdotes and witticisms and sallies of humor whicii were 
 regarded unorthodox. He drew large congregati(»iis. 
 
 Preaching for a j>ublic charity, a note was hatidcd him, 
 inquiring if it would be riglit for a bankrupt to contribute.
 
 72 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 He read the note in the course of his sermon, and said it 
 was not the duty of such a man to contribute. "But, my 
 friends," he added, " I would advise you who are not insol- 
 vent not to pass the plate this evening, as people will be 
 sure to say, ' There goes the bankrupt ! ' " 
 
 One wet day, a number of persons entered his chapel to 
 gain shelter from a heavy shower of rain ; when he re- 
 marked, " that many people had been blamed for making 
 religion a cloak; but he did not think they were much better 
 who made religion an umbrella ! " 
 
 He was kind and charitable to .the poor ; but had great 
 intolerance of dirt and slovenliness. In visiting families 
 living in poverty and filth, he would say, "Here, madam, 
 is a trifle for you to buy some soap and a scrubbing-brush : 
 there is plenty of water to be had for nothing." 
 
 Mr. Hill told the following story respecting himself: 
 
 '^ His E,oyal Highness the Duke of was in the chair, 
 
 and kindly desired me to sit next to him. A man made a 
 long, tiresome speech, which caused many to leave the house. 
 The presiding officer whispered to me, ' Really, Mr. Hall, I 
 do not think I can sit to hear such another speech as this. 
 I wish you would give one of your good-natured hints.' 
 It was my turn next : so I said, ' May it please your Royal 
 Highness, ladies, and gentlemen, I am not going to make 
 either a long or a moving speech. The first is a rudeness ; 
 and the second is not required to-day, after the very moving 
 one you have just heard, — so moving, that several of the 
 company have been moved out of the room ; naj^, I even 
 feared would so move his Royal Highness himself, that he 
 would be unable to continue in the chair, and would, to the 
 great regret of the meeting, be obliged to m^ove off.' " This 
 tickled the presiding officer and the assembly, and put a 
 stop to long speeches. Mr. Hall and wife were attacked by 
 robbers one night ; and he made such tremendous unearthly 
 shoutings, that one of the robbers exclaimed, " We have
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 73 
 
 stopped the Devil by mistake, and better be off." They all 
 fled, and left the frightened couple to enjoy their absence. 
 
 Wlien Rev. Sydney Smith was at Edinburgh, a certain 
 gentleman was the paramount bore ; and his ridden-to-death 
 hobby was the north pole. No one escaped him. Jeffrey 
 fled from him whenever he could, regarding him a great 
 tormentor: but meeting him in a narrow lane, where es- 
 cape was impossible, the everlasting subject was introduced; 
 and he rushed past the unendurable bore, exclaiming, in his 
 rage, *' The north pole ! '' 
 
 !Mr. Smith met the fellow a short time after, very indig- 
 nant at Jeffrey's contempt for the north pole. " my 
 dear fellow ! " said Smith, " never mind : no one minds what 
 Jeffrey says, you know. lie is a privileged person : he re- 
 spects nothing, absolutely nothing. Why, you will scarcely 
 believe it, but it is not more than a week ago that I heard 
 him speak disrespectfully of the equator f^ 
 
 Calling upon a fellow-writer in "The Edinburgh Re- 
 view," Mr. Smith found him, to his surprise, actually read- 
 ing a book for the purpose of reviewing it. Having ex- 
 pressed his astonishment in the strongest terms, his friend 
 inquired how he managed wlien performing the critical 
 ofiice. 
 
 " Oh ! " said Mr. Smith, " I never read a book before re- 
 viewing it : it prejudices a man so ! " 
 
 Of Mr. Smith, Samuel Rogers observes, "Whenever 
 the conversation is getting dull, he throws in some touch 
 which makes it rebound, and rise again as light as ever. 
 There is this differeno(f between Luttrell and Smith : After 
 Luttrell, you reincnibored wliat good things lie said ; after 
 Smith, you merely remcinberiHl how nuich you laughed." 
 
 Mr. Rogers said, "When I began to liglit my dinner- 
 table from the reflection of the pictures in the room, I was 
 not very successful. The light was thrown above the table,
 
 74 MIKTHFULNESS. 
 
 and not on it. I asked Sydney what he thought of the at- 
 tempt. We were at dinner at the time. ' I do not like it 
 at all/ was the reply : ' all is light above, and all below is 
 darkness, and gnashing of teeth.' " 
 
 Speaking of a certain lady, Mr. Smith said he had more 
 fondness for her than it was strictly ecclesiastical to own. 
 
 When asked to attend the opera, Mr. Smith said he loved 
 music but little, hated acting, and regarded it out of eti- 
 quette for a canon of St. Paul's to attend upon such an enter- 
 tainment. When etiquette forbade his doing any thing dis- 
 agreeable to himself, he said he was a perfect martinet. 
 
 Dr. Macknight, author of an elaborate commentary on 
 the Epistles, was overtaken by a sharp shower in coming to 
 church one day. In the vestry, and before the service 
 began, the attendants were doing all in their power to make 
 him comfortable, and prepare him for his work, by rubbing 
 him with towels and other appliances. The good man was 
 much discomposed, and was ever and anon impatiently ex- 
 claiming, " Oh, I wish that I was dry ! " and repeating often, 
 "Do ye think I am dry eneuch now?" Dr. Henry, his 
 colleague, who was present, was a jocose man, of much quiet 
 humor. He could not resist the opportunity of a little hit 
 at his friend's style of preaching : so he patted him on the 
 shoulder with the encouraging remark, " Bide a wee, doctor, 
 bide a wee, and ye's be dry eneuch when ye get into the 
 pulpit." 
 
 A friend of a Scotch preacher named Bakrow said of 
 him, "He is so minute and full in his analysis and applica- 
 tion, that he exhausts his subject." — "Yes," said another 
 friend, " and sometimes he exhausts his hearers too." 
 
 It is told of John Wesley, that, when he"*saw some of 
 his hearers asleep, he stopped in his discourse, and shouted,
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 75 
 
 " Fire, fire ! " The people were alarmed ; and some one 
 
 cried out, "Where, sir? — where?" To which Wesley 
 
 earnestly and solemnly replied, "In hell, for those who 
 sleep under the preaching of the Word." 
 
 Dean Swift published "A Sermon upon Sleeping in 
 Church," from which the following is an extract : — 
 
 Text, Acts XX. 9. — The account of Eutychus falling 
 asleep during the preaching of Paul, and being taken up 
 dead. He commenced with this sarcastic remark : — 
 
 " I have chosen these words, with the design, if possible, 
 to disturb some part of this audience of half an hour's 
 sleep ; for the convenience and exercise thereof, this place, 
 at this season of the day, is t^er)/ much celebrated." In allu- 
 sion to Eutychus sleeping in the window, he said, " Preach- 
 ers now in the world, however they may exceed St. Paul in 
 the art of putting men to sleep, do exceedingly fall short of 
 . him in the power of working miracles: therefore hearers are 
 become more cautious, so as to choose more safe and con- 
 ^venient stations and postures for their repose, without haz- 
 ard of their persons; and, upon the whole matter, choose 
 rather to trust their destruction to a miracle than their 
 safety." 
 
 CuAiiBE, in his poem, "The Parish Register," grajjlii- 
 cally di'scribes the effects of a new vicar upon certain indi- 
 vi<lual.s of a congregation who were addicted to the somno- 
 b'ut practice thus : — 
 
 " Ho such gad coil with words of vongoance kept, 
 That our best sleepers startled an they slept." 
 
 In a certain parish in Scotland, an <jM ck'rgyin.in, who 
 had got a strong-lunged helper, observed that one of bis 
 hearers was Lecomiiig rather irregular ill his attendance at 
 cbufth. Of course, the divine felt it his duty to visit tlio
 
 76 MlllTHFULNESS. 
 
 backslider, and accordingly went to his house ; but the gude- 
 man was not in. He inquired of the wife why John was so 
 seldom at church now. 
 
 "Oh! indeed, minister," she replied, without the least 
 hesitation, " that young man yeVe got roars sae loud, that 
 John canna sleep sae comfortable as he did when preachin' 
 yersel sae peaceably." 
 
 A Methodist preacher, a«collier in the district of Somer- 
 set, gave out for a text, " I can do all things." He then 
 paused, and, looking at the Bible keenly, said, in his own 
 Somersetshire dialect, " What's that thee says, Mr. Paul ? 
 ' I can do all things ' ? I'll bet thee a crown o' that," tak- 
 ing a crown from his vest-pocket, and placing it on the 
 open Bible. " However," he added, " let's see what the 
 apostle has to say for himself." So he read the next words, 
 " through Christ that strengtheneth me." — " Oh ! " says he, 
 " if that's the terms of the bet, I'm off." And he put tlie 
 crown into his pocket, and preached his sermon on the 
 power of Christian grace. 
 
 A certain preacher, candidate for a lectureship, was 
 required to preach a discourse before the trustees of the 
 endowment in the way of competition. To show his inge- 
 nuity in sermonizing, he took for his text the single word 
 " but.^' He deduced from thence the great truth and im- 
 portant doctrine, that no position is without some corre- 
 sponding cross -or opposite trial. Naaman was a mighty 
 man of valor, and honorable ; but he was a leper. The five 
 cities of the plain were fruitful as the garden of Eden ; but 
 the men of Sodom were awful sinners. I called you ; but ye 
 answered not. Come; for all things are ready: but they 
 would not come ; and so on. When the clerical competitor 
 came down to the vestry, the senior trustee of the lecture- 
 ship met him, and politely remarked, " Sir, you gave us a 
 most ingenious discourse, and we are much obhged t« you ;
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 77 
 
 hut we don't think that you are the preacher that will do 
 for us." 
 
 Rev. J. H. BoxxAR was one day preaching at Kettle, in 
 Fife, for his friend, the relief-minister thereof. It was a very 
 warm day, and the church was closely packed. He observed, 
 with some annoyance, many of the congregation nodding 
 and sleeping while he was preaching. About the middle 
 of his sermon, he used the word *' hyperbolical ; " and, paus- 
 ing a moment, he said, " Now, my friends, some of you may 
 not understand this word hijperhoUcal. I'll explain it. 
 Suppose I were to say that this congregation are all asleep 
 at the present time, I should speak hyperbolically ; because " 
 (looking round) "I don't believe that more than one-half of 
 you are sleeping." The nodders recovered themselves ; and 
 the sleepers, by the nudging of their neighbors, were thor- 
 oughly aroused. 
 
 ]^rETHODIST CLERGYMEN 
 
 Francis Asbury, the first, and appropriately called 
 " Pione(*r Bishop of the American Methodist-Episcopal 
 Church," with all his seriousness, occasionally indulged in 
 the humorous. He approved of marriage ; but could not, 
 consistently with his wandering life, avail himself of its 
 benefits. lie was opposed to liis preachers' marrying, be- 
 cause it took them from their travelling labors, and, in 
 many instances, deprived the Church of their ministerial 
 services. 
 
 " In Virginia there was a circuit, where the preachers sent 
 among the peojjle almost always obtained wives during tlicir 
 service. The bishop, supposing (he women slioiild bo 
 blamed for this state of things, thought to forostall th(MU 
 by sending to the circuit two (lc<Ti'pit old nn-n, in the belief
 
 78 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 tliat no one woulfl try to allure them into the bonds of 
 wedlock. But, to his surprise, both of them married during 
 the year ; and, upon hearing of his experiment, he remarked, 
 ' I am afraid the women and the Devil will get all my 
 preachers.' " 
 
 At a conference in Baltimore, in 1824, a distinguished 
 clergyman made a long and able speech on a very exciting 
 subject, during which he was frequently interrupted without 
 being apparently disturbed. At dinner, several preachers 
 being present, one who had taken strong grounds in oppo- 
 sition to the speaker, and had joined with others to interrupt 
 and silence him, turning to him, said, "Brother Ostrander, 
 you beat all the men I ever saw : it seems to me, that, if 
 twenty jackasses should run over you when you were speak- 
 ing, they would not break the thread of your discourse." 
 Mr. Ostrander replied, "I think I have been pretty well 
 tried in that way this morning." 
 
 Rev. Mr. Vari^et, a presiding elder, made an address at 
 a quarterly meeting, which contained the following : " I 
 have some things against you, my brethren : you drink too 
 much whiskey ; you complain that the water is not good. 
 But look at me : I drink no whiskey ; and see how hale and 
 healthy I am. Leave off whiskey, and the. water will not 
 harm you." Turning to the sisters, he said, "How kind, 
 how very kind, you have been to me ! and I have much rea- 
 son to love you. But I have something against you also. 
 You wear those bag-bellows sleeves, and you think they are 
 handsome ; but you greatly mistake. They don't look half 
 so well as you think they do. I advise you to leave them 
 off, and be contented to be plain Methodists." 
 
 At a certain camp-meeting, manj?- years ago, when these 
 meetings were not protected as they now are, a company 
 " of lewd fellows of the baser sort " were very troublesome,
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 79 
 
 commencing their operations on tlie first day of the meet- 
 ing. The preacher selected for his text, " And the herd 
 run violently down a steep place into the lake, and were 
 choked." He commenced with some striking remarks 
 upon the general policy of Satan, showing that he cared 
 not what means he used for the accomplishment of an ob- 
 ject, if they might only prove successful. Thus, when he 
 was dislodged from a man, he was willing to enter swine, if, 
 by so A)ing, he could prejudice men against Christ. In this 
 manoeuvre he was, in the instance here recorded, very suc- 
 cessful. "But," said the preacher, "let us consider the 
 text in the order of the thoughts it suggests : 1st, We will 
 notice the herd into which the devils enter; 2d, The dri- 
 vers employed ; and, 3d, The market they are going to." 
 AVliile describing his imaginary market, the rowdies left the 
 ground in haste, acknowledging themselves whipped. 
 
 On a certain occasion, tlie question before conference was, 
 " Shall the rule of the !Methodi.st Church be rescinded which 
 forbids the marriage of a believer with an unbeliever ? " 
 Ezekiel Cooper and Jesse Lee, both bachelors, were present, 
 and took part in the discussion. Cooper was against the 
 rule, on the ground, as he said, that it imposed Homish 
 (^libacy ; for, as there were so many more pious women than 
 men in tlie world (full three to two in the Methodist Church), 
 it was obvious tliat females must either bo forced to celibacyj 
 or excluded from the church. "And wliat," said he, " sliall 
 the poor creatures do ? " Lee replied to his bachelor-brother, 
 that liis argument would have had much more weight if it 
 had emanated from a different source. " lie cries out," said 
 he, "'Poor things! what will they do?' wlioii lie will not 
 lift a finger to help tliein ! " 
 
 A Methodist pre:u:her, on ;i cin iiit many years ago, ln'ld 
 a cIuM.s-mceting one evening; and, having gonu through witli
 
 80 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 the names on the class-paper, he approached an elderly man, 
 sitting afar off, and inquired for his soul's welfare. The 
 man, after taking time to prepare his answer, squared him- 
 self round, and said, " I am like old Paul : ' when I would do 
 good, evil is present with me.' " The preacher replied, " I'm 
 afraid you are like old Noah too ; get drunk sometimes." 
 This was a centre-shot ; for the poor old man was a drunk- 
 ard. 
 
 • 
 
 Rev. Dak"Iel Asbury was a witty man, and dealt largely 
 in amusing anecdotes. Preaching to a drowsy congrega- 
 tion, he paused, and said, " Just see what the Devil is doing 
 here: these dear people want to hear the word of the 
 Lord, and the Devil is trying to get them to sleep." Mr. 
 Ashury was a great lover of strong coffee ; and the good 
 sisters at whose houses he was entertained directed their 
 coffee arrangements with reference to this well-known 
 fact. Travelling with a junior brother who knew the stingy 
 reputation of the woman with whom they were to break- 
 fast, the latter rode on ahead, and informed the hostess that 
 Brother Asbury would relish a cup of coffee of much more 
 than usual strength. When breakfast was announced, the 
 young preacher, who loved strong cofiee as well as did his 
 elder brother, approached the table, congratulating himself 
 that he should indulge in a strong dish of his favorite 
 beverage, upon the old gentleman's credit ; but imagine 
 his disappointment and mortification when he espied two 
 coffee-pots on the table, from one of which Brother Asbury 
 was served with the desired article in full strength, while 
 he, the ingenuous junior, was compelled to take his portion 
 from the family vessel ! This joke was often repeated by 
 INIr. Asbury. 
 
 A fellow overtaking one of tlie early Methodist preachers, 
 whom he knew by his dress, thought he would have a little
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 81 
 
 sport with him. RiJing up by his side, he commenced 
 pulling his bridle as if his horse were at fault; and then 
 said, in an apparently petulant tone, "I would as soon 
 ride the Devil as to ride this horse." — " Oh ! " said the 
 preacher, "how would it look to see a child riding his 
 father ? " The fellow put spurs to his horse, and galloped 
 away. 
 
 As Rev. Je^se L^e, the first preacher of Methodism in 
 Massachusetts, was riding from Boston to Lynn, he was 
 overtaken by two young lawyers disposed to amuse them- 
 selves at his expense. Ranging their horses one on either 
 side of his, the}' saluted him, and introduced the following 
 conversation : — 
 
 1st Lawyer. " I believe you are a preacher, sir ? " 
 
 Lee. "Yes: I generally pass for one." 
 
 1st Lata. " You preach very often, I suppose ? " 
 
 Lee. " Generally every day ; frequently twice, or more." 
 
 2d Lata. " How do you find time to stud}', when you 
 preach so often ? " 
 
 Lee. " I study when rising, and read when resting." 
 
 1st Lata. " But do you not write your sermons ? " 
 
 Lee. " No : not very often." 
 
 2d Law. " Do you not often make mistakes in preaching 
 extemporaneously ? " 
 
 Lee. " I do sometimes." 
 
 2d Law. " How do you manage when you make mis- 
 takes ? Do you correct them ? " 
 
 ^Lee. "Tliat depends upon the character of the mistake. 
 I was preaching the other day, and went to quote the text, 
 ' All liars .shall have their i).art in the lake which buriicth 
 with fire and brimstone;' and by mi.stako I said, 'All 
 lawyers sliall have tlieir part,' «&c." 
 
 2d Law. " What did you do with that? Did you cor- 
 rect it ? " . . 

 
 82 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 Lee. " Oh, no, indeed ! It was so nearly true, I did 
 not think worth while to correct it." 
 
 " Humph ! " said one of them, " I don't know whether 
 you are the more a knave, or a fool ! " — " Neither," replied 
 the preacher : " I believe I am just between the two." 
 
 Eev. Solomon Sharp was a preacher of ability, but 
 very eccentric. On his circuit, he sometimes had very small 
 audiences. On one occasion, he preached to a congregation 
 which he described as consisting of two men, four women, 
 seven children, and a little dog. At another time, he went 
 to preach at the same place, and found but six persons 
 gathered to hear him. After waiting a while, he rose, and 
 said, " The Bible says, ' Give a portion to seven, and also 
 to eight;' but, as there are only six of you here, I'll not 
 preach to-day." He mounted his horse, and rode oif. 
 
 Kev. BiLLT HiBBARD " was a brick." 
 
 ''Brother Hibbard," said a good Presbyterian brother, 
 " you hurt my feelings yesterday ; " referring to some remarks 
 lie made upon certain doctrines. , 
 
 " Why, brother," said Mr. Hibbard, " I am sorry you took 
 that : I meant it for the Devil, and you stepped in and took 
 the blow. Don't get between me and the Devil, brother, 
 and then you won't get hurt." 
 
 Eev. Billy fell in company with Dr. Lyman Beecher 
 one day, and rode with him some distance, both being 
 mounted, without either knowing the other. Dr. Beecher 
 suspecting that his companion was a minister, asked him if 
 he was, and received an affirmative reply. " Do you belong 
 to the standing order ? " meaning the Congregational, said 
 Dr. Beecher. 
 
 " No," was his companion's reply : " I belong to the 
 kneeling order." 
 
 Once, when the roll-call of conference gave Mr. Hibbard's
 
 ANECDOTES KESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 83 
 
 name William, he arose, and objected to answering to that 
 name, insisting that his name was Billy. 
 
 " Why, Brother Hibbard," said Bishop Asbury, " Billy is 
 a little boy's name." 
 
 *' Yes, bishop," he replied ; " and I was a little boy when 
 my parents gave it to me." 
 
 About forty years ago, Rev. Mr. Gruber, commonly 
 called Father, was a presiding elder in a district in Penn- 
 sylvania, where he attended a camp-meeting, at which he 
 witnessed what greatly offended him. A kind of female 
 attire was then coming into fashion, known as "the petti- 
 coat and habit." The latter somewhat resembled a gentle- 
 man's coatee, and, associated with the former, rather tended 
 to a graceful display of the female form. Some of " the 
 upper class" of Methodist young ladies, dressed in the new 
 fashion, attended the camp-meeting referred to. Their ap- 
 pearance quickl}' drew upon them the disapproving eye 
 of Father Gruber. An opportunity soon occurred for him 
 to manifest his intense aversion to this fashion. During 
 some of the social exercises, these young fashionables, 
 grouped together, were singing a hymn, very popular in 
 those days, of which the last line of each stanza was a kind 
 of chorus, — "I want to get to heaven, my long-songlit 
 rest." In this song they were heartily joined by Father 
 Gruber. Instead of " following the copy " in the choru ;, 
 the latter sang in a loud voice, very distinctly, " I want to 
 get to heaven with my long-short dress," One after 
 another the female singers stopped, and finally, with intense 
 inortifiratiun, heard the presiding elder sing alone, in a 
 luud, dear voice, " I want to get to heaven with my long- 
 bhort dress." Tlie long-short dresses did not appear again 
 on the camp-ground. 
 
 The following respecting the celebrated Peteb Carti 
 wuiftllT i» writtwu from mtmnrv : —
 
 84 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 ■ On a journey, he stopped one night at the house of a 
 Methodist, who informed him that he was going to a meet- 
 ing, and must, therefore, ask to be excused for the evening. 
 Mr. Cartwright asked what kind of a meeting he was going 
 to, and was told that a Camphellite Baptist had advertised 
 that he would curry four horses at the town-hall that even- 
 ing ; viz., the Baptist, the Presbyterian, the Episcopal, and 
 the Methodist. Mr. Cartwright requested the privilege of 
 accompanying his host to the meeting ; which was granted. 
 The speaker's currying operation consisted in a tirade of 
 misrepresentation and abuse, a large and severe portion of 
 which he applied to the last-named horse. At the close 
 of the performance, some persons in the audience called for 
 Peter Cartwright to address the audience. The speaker 
 said he did not know that Mr. Cartwright was present until 
 his name was announced. If the gentleman desired to 
 speak, he could now have the opportunity. The Eev. Peter 
 arose, and said he came to the meeting to hear, not to speak ; 
 but he would gratify his friends by making a few remarks. 
 With this introduction, he spoke substantially as follows : 
 " The lecturer to whom we have listened has undertaken a 
 very laborious task. He has curried, in his way, four noble 
 horses. The task you impose upon me is very much lighter. 
 I have but one beast to curry ; and he's a jackass.^' This 
 speech was loudly applauded, and the meeting broke up 
 with cheers for Peter Cartwright. This eccentric preacher 
 was riding one day upon a poor horse, which needed some 
 urging ; when he was overtaken by a carriage drawn by a 
 pair of spirited horses, in which were two young men and 
 one young woman, all richly dressed. As they drew near 
 the preacher, they commenced singing camp-meeting 
 hymns ; but he soon discovered that they were singing for 
 sport. He tried to rid himself of their company ; but they 
 kept about so near him, at whatever speed he chose to move. 
 By and by, one of the young men fell on the bottom of
 
 A>'ECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 85 
 
 the carriage ; and his companions cried out, " Glory to God ! 
 one sinner down ! He'll soon gain the victory, thank the 
 Lord ! Amen, amen ! " The prostrate sinner soon rose, and 
 shouted, " Victory ! " In connection with another singing, 
 the other young man fell upon the floor of the carriage ; and 
 the cry went forth, " Bless the Lord ! another sinner down ! 
 Glory, glory, glory!" While being subjected to this an- 
 noyance, Peter remembered, that, a short distance ahead, 
 there was a narrow road, which turned into the woods ; which 
 he resolved to take, as a means of getting rid of his com- 
 pany. Applying the whip to the horse, he galloped awaj', 
 but was closely pursued by liis companions. Near the 
 point in the road at which the preacher turned off, there 
 was a stump several inches high, on one side, and a large 
 mud-hole of considerable depth on the other sifle. Driving 
 rapidly and carelessly, the sinners drove over the stump : the 
 carriage was capsized ; and its occupants were thrown into 
 the mud, and partiall}' immersed. Seeing their condition, 
 the preacher turned back, and exclaimed, " Glory to God ! 
 three sinners down ! We've gained the victory ! Thank 
 the Lord ! Amen, amen ! " He then told them that they 
 were the dirtiest sinners he ever saw; and, if they did not 
 repent, they would find themselves in a worse place than 
 that. 
 
 Father Taylor. — ^lany sayings of this distinguished 
 preiuiher liave been reported that are adapted to excite 
 niirtlifuInesH, of which the following are specimens. Of 
 liulph W. Emerson he once said, " He's as sweet a soul 
 as God ever made ; but lie knows no more of theology than 
 Balaam's ass did of Hebrew grammar." 
 
 Father Taylor, being asked l>y a straight-laced minister 
 at a camj)-ni(?eting who li:id heard much of the active 
 benevolence of his son-in-law, fludge Kusscll, if lie regarded 
 the judge a Christian, replied, " Well, Thomas isn't ex-
 
 8(5 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 actly a saint ; but he's one of the sweetest little sinners 
 you ever saw." 
 
 At one of his sailor prayer-meetings, several years ago, a 
 very blacTc man occupying a back seat rose, and spoke 
 briefly and effectively. When he sat down, Father Taylor 
 exclaimed, "I knew we should have a refreshing shower, 
 when I saw that black cloud rising." 
 
 A wealthy Boston merchant visited the Bethel during a 
 warm prayer-meeting, and addressed the audience at length, 
 telling of the interest which his class felt in sailors, and 
 stating that sailors ought to manifest their gratitude to the 
 merchants for the many benefits they had conferred upon 
 them. When he sat down, Father Taylor inquired, " Is 
 there any other old sinner from up-town who would like to 
 say a word brfore we go on with the meeting ? " 
 
 After a long and eloquent exhortation from a brother who 
 had evidently thought more of display than of any thing 
 else, Father Taylor clasped his hands, and remarked, " Now 
 let some brother speak that has something to say.'" 
 
 Father Taylor entertained profound respect for Gov. 
 Andrew, between whom and himself there existed a strong 
 personal friendship. In giving his testimony before the 
 legislative committee appointed to consider the subject of 
 licensing the sale of intoxicating drinks. Father Taylor 
 showed himself in sympathy with Messrs. Andrew and 
 Child, who advocated regulation versus prohibition. The 
 following is part of Fatlier Taylor's testimony : — 
 
 Question. " How long have you been in Boston ? " 
 
 Answer. " Oh ! not very long : only about fifty yed!*s." 
 
 In answer to the question as to the number of places 
 where liquor had been sold for the last five years, he said 
 they were multitudinous. He thought there was '* a breast- 
 work of them from the Square down to Charlestown 
 Bridge." 
 
 Question. " Has there been any diminution of these places
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 87 
 
 since the prohibitory law was passed, twelve or fifteen years 
 ago ? » 
 
 Answer. "Pi'ohibitory law ! I did not know that they 
 had one." 
 
 Question. " Have these places, for the last twelve or fif- 
 teen years, been constantly increasing, or not ? " 
 
 Answer. "I think they have not died with age. They 
 remain, and are exceedingly plentiful," &c. 
 
 Question. " Are you in favor of a prohibitory law ? " 
 
 Answer. " By no means. I have no right to punish the 
 ^•ighteous with the wicked." 
 
 In the course of this extended answer, the witness gave 
 it as his opinion that all hotels should be furnished with 
 the prohibited drinks for the use of their guests ; and stated 
 the case of persons travelling with him in Canada and in the 
 West, who, he believed, lost their lives by refusing to take 
 alcoholic stimulants. In this connection he said, " There- 
 fore I think it would be out of the question to forbid the 
 use or the sale of spirits in all cases. This prohibitor}'^ law 
 shuts us h\. Moreover, there is something else in this mat- 
 ter. I should not want to deny my God. The good book 
 tells us that wine cheereth the heart of God and man. I 
 should not want to raise my hand against the hand of God." 
 In commencing the cross-examination, Mr. Spooner spoke 
 of " the present prohibitory law." Father Taylor said, 
 " What ! have you got a prohibitory law ? Where ? " 
 The manner of the witues.s, imJuding the peculiar expression 
 of his countenance, was telling, and produ«;e<l general mer- 
 riment, together with the impression tliat the prdiibitory 
 law was a great sham, having no practical tendency to 
 remedy the evil it was professedly designed to remove. 
 Father Taylor manifestly belongs to the increasing chiss of 
 clergymen ami temperance people wlio believe tliat the pro- 
 liibitory liquor hiw is wrong in principle. Some of llieso 
 re^jard this Btututu auti-republican and unti-Christiaii. Fa-
 
 88 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 ther Taylor does not like it, and he dared to say so before the 
 committee.; and his manner of saying it was an exciter of 
 mirthfulness in those who heard his testimony. 
 
 AMEEICAN BAPTIST CLEEGYMEN. 
 
 From the few specimens the compiler has collected, he 
 concludes that the clergymen of this denomination in 
 ISTew England have had a fair proportion of the humorous 
 class in their ranks. Should he obtain other specimens 
 before this work is prepared for the press, he will insert them 
 in his miscellaneous collection in the last part of the book ; 
 which collection will be rich in wit and humor. 
 
 Before a Baptist church was formed in New- York City, 
 a Baptist clergyman, Eev. David Jones, walking on 
 one of the streets, approached an old gentleman sitting 
 on the steps of a respectable-looking house, and asked to 
 be directed to Baptists in the city, if he knew of any. His 
 question was, " Can you tell me where any Baptists live in 
 this town ? " He had to repeat his question in a loud voice ; 
 for the old gentleman was very deaf The deaf man re- 
 plied, " I really don't know as I ever heard of anybody of 
 that occupation in these parts." 
 
 Dr. Samuel Shepaed used to tell a story, which he 
 applied to men who attempted to dodge difficulties by 
 assuming neutral ground, — by sitting on the fence. A cer- 
 tain farmer used to ride on the tongue of his cart, where he 
 supposed himself out of the way of both the cart and the 
 oxen. This was all very well till the team came to a rough 
 piece of ground, when the oxen became restive, and kicked 
 the farmer off; and the wheels passed over him, inflicting 
 severe injuries upon his person.
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 89 
 
 On one of his circuits, Rev. John Leeland happened to 
 be in a place where the Baptist minister had married a sec- 
 ond wife soon after the death of his first, — much sooner 
 than his female parishioners thought was proper. It was 
 agreed to refer the matter to Mr. Leelaud's judgment. After 
 hearing a full statement of the facts and complaints in the 
 case, he said very calmly, " It is evident, from the rule the 
 apostle Paul has laid down in the seventh chapter of First 
 Corinthians, that a inan is free to marry as soon as his wife 
 dies ; but, as a matter of decency, perhaps he had better 
 wait at least until she is buried." 
 
 A president of a Baptist college was passing near a stu- 
 dent who was using profane language while employed in 
 chopping wood. The president asked the student to lend 
 him his axe. He took it, andi^ut through a stick of wood, 
 and, passing it back to the student, said, " I didn't swear 
 once while chopping tliat stick of wood ; and I submit that 
 it is very well done." 
 
 A very censorious person said to a Baptist clergyman, 
 while the two were passed by a family on their way to 
 church with a very elegant and valuable team, " Do you 
 think that people will ever get to heaven in such a splendid 
 carriage as that ? " The ministt-r replied, " We read that 
 Elijah went to heaven in a chariot." 
 
 The compiler spent nearly two yoars in East Tennessee 
 in the early part of his life, where he obtained considerable 
 information respecting the hard-shell 15aptists, — a class of 
 religionists who dilb-r essentially from the liaptists of New 
 England; holding but little in common with them, except 
 the mode of baptism. They are opposed to an educated 
 ministry and to the cause of missions, ami ilo not keep the 
 sabbath as Christiana do in New England. The compiler
 
 90 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 spent a few weeks in a neighborhood where Baptists of this 
 class were the principal religionists. He found the people 
 very ignorant, and living in the pure farmer's state. Each 
 family tanned their leather, made their own shoes, and 
 manufactured nearly all their clothing from the raw ma- 
 terial. There was very little money in circulation, and 
 the exchanges were made " by barter." Articles of property 
 were exchanged for other articles of property. A man told 
 his neighbor that he had sold his big dog for a hundred 
 dollars. The price was regarded unreasonably large ; until 
 the vender, in answer to the question, '' What did you take 
 your pay in ? " said, " I took two little dogs at fifty dollars 
 apiece." 
 
 A hard-shell preacher, after preaching against human 
 learning in the ministry, thanked the Lord in the closing 
 prayer that he was ignorantj^ and prayed that he might be 
 TTiore ignorant. 
 
 A preacher of this class, wishing to prove that Paul was 
 not educated, stated in his argument that that distinguished 
 preacher and apostle " was brought up at the foot of Gamul 
 Hill, where the people were not educated." The preacher 
 mistook Gamul Hill for Gamaliel. 
 
 Another of this class took for his text the following words 
 of Paul to the Corinthians : " Therefore, if I know not the 
 meaning of the voice,' I shall be unto him that speaketh a 
 barbarian, and he that speaketh shall be a barbarian unto 
 me." The preacher read the text thus : " I shall be 
 unto him that speaketh a harheriron, and he that speaketh 
 shall be a tarberiron unto me." In his discourse, he de- 
 scribed the barheriron, and stated its supposed uses. 
 
 This class of ministers employ a sing-song tone in preach- 
 ing, which, with their fanciful explanations of Scripture, 
 make them appear very ridiculous to intelligent persons who 
 occasionally hear them. One of them, reading the scriptural 
 statement that the ancient Jewish tent for divine worship
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 91 
 
 was covered with ** badgers' skins" read for " badgers^ " 
 "beggars'," and proceeded to remark that the )iew dispensa- 
 tion was vastly more humane than the old, under which 
 beggars' skins were used to cover places of worslii}). 
 
 The following quotation, from the sermon of a hard-shell 
 preacher, will give the reader some idea of the tone used 
 by the whole class ; though a strictly correct one can be 
 had by those only who have heard the tone. This sermon 
 was called forth by the efforts of travelling agents to es- 
 tablish a sabbath school in the neighborhood of the preacher. 
 The text was, "Thou art Peter; and on this rock I will 
 build my church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail 
 against it." Says the reporter of the sermon, " After giving 
 Peter a good setting-out, the minister closed as follows, in 
 that peculiar singing tone that is indescribable, except to 
 those who have heard it : 'Yes, my brethering, ah ; an' the 
 gates of hell shall not prevail agin it, ah ! Now, you would 
 like to know all about these ere gates of hell, ah ! Well, my 
 brethering, there are four gates to hell, ah ! That is, fustly, 
 the Sunday-scliool system, ah ! That thar is one gate to hell, 
 ah ! whar they bring young men and wimmen togither, ah ! 
 and, onder the igee of teachin' on 'em the Bible, they set 
 'em to hankerin' after one another, ah ! an' so open wide 
 that gate o' hell, ah ! An' the next gate o' hell is wus'n the 
 fust, ah ! That thar is ]>ible so-ci-ities, ah ! whar they put 
 the word into the hands o' them as haint larnin' suflicient, 
 ah I fur to understand it, ah ! an' this here, brethering, is 
 one of the wust gates o' hell, ah ! which we read about in 
 the Bible, ah ! ' . The other two gates are * Temperance 
 societies ' ami ' the Republican party.' " 
 
 One of these preachers, hy the name of Usher, gave a 
 do»crii)tion of his leaving a people to whom he had become 
 strongly attached, thus : " As I closed my farewell discourse, 
 ah ! all the congregation came up, one by one, ah ! and said, 
 * Tarewell, Brother Usher, ah ! ' After taking leave of the
 
 92 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 dear people, I rode away through the grove, ah ! an', as I 
 passed along, all the trees seemed to how, an' gently say, 
 ' Farewell, Brother Usher, ah ! ' By and hy I came near a 
 flock o' sheep, ah ! an' they all stopped eating, an' looked 
 right at me, an' seemed to how, and say, 'Farewell, Brother 
 Usher, ah ! ' " 
 
 UNIVEESALIST CLEEGYMEN. 
 
 The compiler has succeeded in obtaining but few anec- 
 dotes or pleasantries connected with this class. Shoiild he 
 collect others before completing this work, he will insert 
 them in the " Miscellaneous Class," which will contain some 
 relating to clergymen of the other denominations whose 
 humorous representatives he has described. 
 
 Eev. Thomas Whittemore, D.D., had the reputation 
 of being a very humorous man, who often employed his wit 
 in the pulpit. While President of the Vermont and Mas- 
 I sachusetts Eailroad Corporation, he walked the entire length 
 [ of the road, that he might have personal knowledge of its 
 ■ condition. While looking at some Irishmen who were mov- 
 ing a lot of new rails, and were handling them very roughly, 
 . he reproved them. The boss of the gang, not knowing him, 
 
 said, " You go to ! " 
 
 f Mr. Whittemore replied, "That is the last place I should 
 
 I wish to go to." 
 
 I " Well," said the Irishman, " it is the last place you ivill 
 
 go to." 
 
 Mr. Whittemore used to tell this story in a very humor- 
 ous manner. 
 
 Eev. Mr. Streeter of Boston undertook to reprove a 
 prominent parishioner for habitual profanity. He urged
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 93 
 
 a variety of reasons why this very improper and God- 
 displeasing* habit should be abandoned. After giving a 
 respectful attention to his pastor's lecture, the waggish pa- 
 rishioner replied very pleasantly, " Brother Streeter, I know 
 that I swear a good deal, and that you pray a good deal ; 
 but neither of us mean any thing by it." 
 
 During a session of the Massachusetts Legislature, when 
 Rev. Thomas Whitteraore was a representative from Cam- 
 bridgeport, the question of increasing the pay of the mem- 
 bers came up. Mr. Whittemore strongly opposed the meas- 
 ure ; which, however, was carried by a large majority. At 
 the close of the day's session, a friend asked him how he 
 felt respecting the decision of the House upon this subject. 
 He replied, " I am disappointed ; but I know of no better 
 way than to pocket the insult.'^ 
 
 In the early part of Rev. Hosea Ballou's ministry, 
 an acquaintance of his, whose personal qualifications for 
 preaching were very small, occasionally officiated as a min- 
 ister of the Baptist denomination. Having great love of 
 approbation, he tried one day to elicit from Mr. Ballon a 
 remark of commendation. He began by saying, "Mr. 
 Ballou, I am awfully tried with myself." 
 
 " Ah ! " said Mr. Bulluu : " what is the trouble with you ? " 
 
 "Oh ! to think that I should ever try to preach, and know 
 80 little ! What do you tliink, Brother Ballou ? " 
 
 '* Well, really," said Mr. Ballou, hesitating a little, but 
 making up his mind to return a plain answer, "I think — 
 then — that — if you knew a little 7nore, you'd never try 
 again ! " 
 
 At a social gathering of ministers, one of tliem was (mi- 
 tertaining the others with some pleasant anecdotes of Mr. 
 Ballou. Unexpectedly, the subject of thrir conversation 
 joined the company, and listened for a time to what waa
 
 94 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 being said, unobserved by tbe speaker. When the latter 
 discovered him, he said, " We are telling stories about you, 
 Father Ballon ; but they are all true ones." 
 
 "Well," said Mr. Ballon, "that is the worst of it. I 
 remember that a very black, ugly story about me was started 
 once ; but I told my wife I did not care about it, so long 
 as it was not true. But, when they begin to tell the truth 
 about me, it is time for me to look out." 
 
 The following dialogue passed between a lady and Mr. 
 Ballon in an omnibus between Roxbury and Boston. The 
 lady said, " I want to know, Mr. Ballon, if you think you 
 preach as Jesus Christ preached when he was on earth ? " 
 
 " Well, I don't know, madam," said Mr. Ballon slowly 
 and mildly : " I believe I intend to do so." 
 
 " Ah ! but," said she, " are you faithful, sir ? Are you 
 sure, sir, you set forth the punishment of sin as faithfully 
 as Jesus Christ and his apostles did ? " 
 
 "Well, madam, I would not be. self-confident," said he, 
 growing more mild as she grew excited; "but I seek to 
 preach the doctrine of my Master." 
 
 " Do you, sir," said she, " preach to your people every 
 sabbath, ' Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, ye htjpocrites, 
 how can ye escape the damnation of hell ? ' " 
 
 " No, madam," said he very calmly : " to be honest with 
 you, I do not." 
 
 " But why do you not ? " said she. " You are a false 
 teacher. Jesus preached in that way to the people in his 
 day ; and why do not you preach so to hypocrites now ? " 
 
 " Well, madam," said he, " I will tell you the reason : 
 that class of people do not go to my meeting ! " 
 
 Some twenty-five years ago, when Franklin Pierce and 
 Harry Hibbard stood at the head of the ISTew-Hampshire 
 bar, they were arrayed against each other on an important 
 case of " breach of promise." A respectable young woman
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 95 
 
 sued a respectable farmer, whom she had served as house- 
 keeper, for breach of promise of marriage. The case, tried 
 at ^Newport, excited so much interest, that the court, to 
 accommodate the large number of spectators, adjourned to 
 the Congregational Meeting-House. Hibbard was counsel 
 for the woman. Under the skilful management of Gen. 
 Pierce, the main defence was that the plaintiff had kept 
 company with another man in the capacity of an accepted 
 suitor, while she claimed to be engaged to the man she had 
 sued. Gen. Pierce called the important witness to the 
 stand. He was a 3'oung man, of pleasing address; and his 
 direct testimony seemed to make against the plaintiff. He 
 said he visited her at such a time, and accompanied her to 
 the barn-yard while she milked the cows, and returned with 
 her to the house, where he spent the evening pleasantly ; 
 and that, in the course of half a year, he paid her several 
 visits, which were kindly received. In the course of his 
 testimony, he labored, by insinuations of different kinds, to 
 make the impression that he had been on very familiar 
 terms with the plaintiff, and that she had treated him as 
 her lover. On the cross-examination, Mr. Hibbard asked 
 the witness, if, at the time he accompanied the plaintiff" to 
 the barn-yard, he was not courting another girl, whom he 
 named. The witness replied, "We had biMiu keeping com- 
 pany togetbcr; but ive had tcoinid up our /iddics." Refer- 
 ring to another time, a few months later, when witness said 
 he had visited the plaintiff, Mr. Hibbard asked liim if he was 
 not, at that time, paying attention to another young lad}', 
 whom he named. His reply was, as before, " I had been keep- 
 ing coini)any with her; but ive had wound up uur fiddles^ 
 
 After making the witness appear badly on the stand, Mr. 
 Hibbard said to liiin, " i'<ni are a preacher; are you not?" 
 His reply was, "I preach occasionally; though I never had 
 a paatoral charge, or even a license to preach." 
 
 " What do you preach?" said Mr. Hibbard
 
 96 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 *' The gospel," was the reply. 
 
 Mr. Hibbard remarked that his answer was not suffi- 
 ciently definite. He wished to know to what denomination 
 he belonged, and what particular system of doctrines he 
 preached ; and he shaped his question in accordance with this 
 wish. The witness, at first, refused to answer this ques- 
 tion,; but, being told by the judge that he must, he straight- 
 ened himself up, and in a pompous manner exclaimed, 
 << I believe and teach the universal salvation of all men." 
 
 " Lucky thing for you," said Mr. Hibbard with strong 
 feeling ; "/or no other system will save you." 
 
 This remark of Mr. Hibbard " brought down the house." 
 It produced a burst of insuppressible laughter, in which 
 court and jury joined. The witness was dismissed from the 
 stand in confusion, and the plaintiff won the case. 
 
 DIFFEEENT DENOMINATIONS. 
 
 A Scotch clergyman in the Great Eebellion said in his 
 prayer, " Lord, bless the grand council, the parliament, and 
 grant they may all hang together." A country fellow 
 standing by said, — 
 
 " Amen, with all my heart ; and the sooner the better ; 
 and I am sure it is the prayer of all good people." 
 
 "■ Friends," said the clergyman, '' I don't mean as that 
 fellow means : I pray they may all hang together in accord 
 and concord." 
 
 "No matter what cord," said the rustic, "so 'tis a strong 
 
 one." 
 
 At a church in Scotland, where was a popular call, two 
 candidates, named Adam and Low, preached on the same 
 sabbath. Low preached in the morning, and took for his 
 text, "Adam, where art thou?" The congregation was
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 97 
 
 greatly eJitieJ by the discourse. In the afternoon, Mr. 
 Adam preaclied from the following text : " Lo ! here am I." 
 The impromptu and the sermon gained him the church. 
 
 The late Dr. Humphry of Amherst College related the 
 foUo'viug anecdote at a ministerial meeting not long before 
 liis death. " AVhen I was a boy," said the doctor, " I sat 
 under the preaching of an able but eccentric minister. On 
 a certain occasion, the preacher's subject was native de- 
 pravity; and the point he was illustrating was this, — that, 
 when persons had a clear view of themselves, they were 
 astonished at its vilencss. The following was his illus- 
 tration : *ln the early part of my ministry, I used in 
 summer-time to go on missionarj'^ tours into Vermont. 
 Wliile stopping with an uncultivated family, in which was 
 an ignorant boy, who looked as though he was never washed 
 or combed, a peddler came along with some cheap looking- 
 glasses ; and I purchased one, and hung it upon the wall of 
 one of the rooms. DitVt-rent members of the family looked 
 into the curious mirror, and for the first time saw them- 
 selves as others saw them, and were manifestly astonished 
 with the view. By and by, the unwashed and uncombed 
 boy looked into the attractive glass, and, alanned at what he 
 saw, rushed out of doors, seized a club, and returned with 
 it, furiously aimed at my mirror, exclaiming under great 
 excitement, " I'm going to kill the Devil." ' " 
 
 \\ hile Dr. ]Iunij)liry was visiting a young clergyman in 
 his stuJy, a promising two-year-old son of the latter came 
 into the room, and, for a few moments, attracted the atten- 
 tion of the two. As he pa.ssed out of the room, his fond 
 young father remarked to the doctor with ai>i»arent sad- 
 ness, " We don't expect to raise that boy." 
 
 " Why ? " asked the doctor. " Is he sick ? " 
 
 " No," was the repl}' ; " but he is so forward and in- 
 teresting I" 
 
 7
 
 98 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 " my young brother ! " said the doctor, " dismiss your 
 fears. I have had eight just such, and I raised them 
 all." 
 
 Dr. Humphry was one day in company with several 
 clergyman, no one of whom bore the title of D.D. One 
 of them, distinguished for his wit, said to his associates, 
 " Why can't we, brethren, obtain this title for ourselves by 
 petition or otherwise ? " Dr. Humphry remarked to him 
 playfully, that qualifications were requisite to success. "■ Is 
 that so ? " said the wit. " I thought this title fell, like the 
 rain, on the evil and the good, on the just and the un- 
 just." 
 
 In speaking of the large number of D.D.'s in America, 
 and of the eagerness with which the title is sought by as- 
 piring young ministers, a gentleman remarked, he was 
 reminded of an anecdote of olden time. When much was 
 thought of military titles, two little brothers, each owning 
 a puppy, were found quarrelling one day. "What is the 
 matter, boys ? " inquired the mother. Peter answered, 
 "John says his puppy is Captain, and I say my puppy is 
 Captain." — "0 boj^s ! " said the mother, " don't quarrel 
 about that 5 for every puppy in town is captain." 
 
 A Baptist and Congregational minister were riding 
 together one day, when there was strong manifestation of a 
 coming shower. The former suggested to the latter, who 
 was driving, that he had better quicken the speed of the horse. 
 The Congregationalist replied, "Why, brother? are you 
 afraid of ivater ? " — " Oh, no ! " said the Baptist ; " I am 
 not afraid of water: it's the S2)rin1clinrf I wish to avoid." 
 
 During the last decade of the last century, the two fol- 
 lowing pleasantries occurred in two neighboring towns in 
 Kew Hampshire. An uncultivated Irishman called upon a
 
 ANECDOTES KESPEUTING CLERGYMEN. 99 
 
 clergyman, whose house stood eiglit or ten rods from the 
 gate through which visitors entered from the highway ; 
 leaving outside the gate liis lady-love and her father, sitting 
 upon their horses. The Irishman said to the clergyman, 
 who was a stranger to him, '' Can your Ileverence marry 
 one to-day ? '' — " No," replied the clergyman : " I cannot 
 marry one; hut I can marry <wo." — '* Well, well," said the 
 other, " that's jist what I want, — Mary Caun and I." — ''I 
 can marry Mary Cann and j'ou," said the clergyman. Ex- 
 cited with delight, the Irishman stepped to the door, and, 
 b€!ckoning to those outside the gate, said, " Come in : he'll 
 dot, he'll do't, he'll do't ! " 
 
 Another clergyman, having united in marriage an uncul- 
 tivated Yankee fellow to a girl belonging to his class, told 
 the former to salute his bride. Not understanding the 
 meaning of the word "salute," the young man stood by his 
 bride, not knowing what to do, until his father exclaimed, 
 "JJuss her, Joe; buss her." Joe knew how to buss, the 
 vulgar name of kiss ; and so he bussed his bride, and the 
 excitement ceased. 
 
 A Scotch clergyman, preaching one day, quoted the pas- 
 sage, " ' I said in my haste, that all men are liars ; ' " and 
 added, " Wliat's that, Mr. Psalmist? said it in j'our haste, 
 did yon ? Had you lived in our day, you might have said 
 it at your leisure." 
 
 Another Scotch clergyman was accustomed to wake up 
 the sleepers in his congregation liy calling their names. 
 One, whose name had been often called, charged tin? minis- 
 ter with purlialit}', telling liim tli:it bis own wile was oTlcn 
 iM?en slefping. On the fjllowing sabbath, about the middle 
 of a long sermon, the prfacher stepped t(» one side of I bo 
 pulpit, and looked down into the pew occupied by bis family,
 
 100 MIRTH FULNESS. 
 
 •where he saw his wife sound asleep. Addressing her, he 
 said, " Wake, Mary ! wake up, I say ! I did not marry you 
 for your wealth ; for you had none of that. I did not marry 
 you for your beauty ; for you had precious little of that. I 
 married you for your virtue and your religion ; and sure, if 
 you have none of that, I have been grossly taken in." 
 
 A clergyman, being annoyed by his audience going out 
 while he was preaching, took for his text, "Thou art 
 weighed, and found wanting." Soon after commencing his 
 discourse, the preacher said, " You will please pass out as 
 fast as you are weighed." 
 
 " At what a rate that girl's tongue is going ! " said a lady, 
 looking complacently at her daughter, who was discussing 
 some subject of apparent interest with a handsome young 
 clergyman. " Yes," replied a satirical neighbor : " her 
 tongue is going at the cu-rate" 
 
 Bishop MoBLEY, in the absence of his errand-man, or- 
 dered his coachman to bring some water from the well. To 
 this the coachman objected ; saying that it was his business 
 to drive, not to run of errands. "Well, then," said the 
 bishop, "bring out the coach and four, set the pitcher in- 
 side, and drive to the well." This service was several times 
 repeated, to the great amusement of the villagers. 
 
 "Name this child," said a parson. "Lucy, sir," replitd 
 the humble sponsor. " Lucifer ! " exclaimed the parson. 
 " I shall give him no such name : I shall call him John." 
 And John was that girl's naxue for the rest of her life. 
 
 A clergyman, preaching a wedding-sermon, chose for his 
 text, "And let there be abundance of peace while the moon 
 endureth."
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 101 
 
 A dull preacher put all his congregation to sleep except 
 an idiot, who sat erect, with open mouth. Thumping the 
 pulpit, the preacher exclaimed, " What ! all asleep but this 
 poor idiot?'' — "Ay, sir," said the only wakeful hearer: 
 " if I had not been an idiot, I should have been asleep too." 
 
 An awkward boy carried a turkey to his father's minis- 
 ter, and said, " Here's a turkey father gent you." — " Why, 
 John," said the minister, "you ought to do your errand 
 more politely. You take my place here by my wife ; and I 
 will take yours, and present the turkey to you." The boy 
 did as he was directed ; and the minister took the turkey, 
 went out, knocked at the door, was admitted to the presence 
 of the parson's lady and her substitute husband, to whom 
 he very politely presented the turkey as a gift from his 
 father. Taking the gift, John said, " Tell your father we 
 are much obliged to him for his present." Then, turning 
 to the lady, he said, " Wife, give the boy hqlf a dollar for 
 bringing us this gift." 
 
 A certain D.D., a professor of ecclesiastical history in 
 a theological seminary, commenced the public examination 
 of his class in the following manner: — 
 
 "Young gentlemen, you will be examined to-day upon 
 the literature of the Bible. Mr. Altbot, will you describe, 
 or rather indicate, the significance of badger-skin ?" 
 
 "Yes, sir," said Mr. Abbot: "a badger-skin was the 
 skin of a badger." 
 
 'o 
 
 At a public rais.sionary meeting in Boston several years 
 ago, great enthusiasm was manifested in the frequent an- 
 nouncement of large sums pledged in behalf of the cause, 
 wliicli were pliu^ed in the contribntion-boxi'S tln-u being 
 circulated. A very largo and corpulent young clergyman, 
 just licensed, weighing some two hundred and forty pounds,
 
 102 MIKTHFITLNESS. 
 
 rose in the audience, and said, '' Brethren, I have no money 
 to contribute to this noble cause ; but I have concluded to 
 put myself into the contribution-box." The idea was so 
 ludicrous, that it convulsed the vast and solemn audience 
 with insuppressible laughter. 
 
 An economical clergyman in New England ingrafted his 
 own apple-trees by sawing off the limbs, and boring holes 
 in the centre of them, in which he inserted his scions. 
 
 A D.D. in one of our cities was not satisfied with having 
 ice brought to him every other day. He said he wanted 
 fresh ice every day. 
 
 A learned professor in a Baptist college, in the absence 
 of his servant, was requested to go to the pasture one even- 
 ing, and drive from thence his wife's cow. Finding a num- 
 ber of cattle in the pasture, the professor asked some wag- 
 gish students who happened to be near by if they could 
 point out to him his wife's cow. They directed him to a 
 broad-horned ox, which he drove to his yard to be milked. 
 
 On a certain sabbath, during a very severe drought, a 
 minister prayed very earnestly for rain. On the night fol- 
 lowing, the rain fell in torrents, and occasioned a great 
 amount of damage. A good old lady on Monday said, 
 "This is just like our minister: he always overdoes every 
 thing he undertakes." 
 
 Dr. Emmons told a young preacher that it was the length, 
 not the depth, of his sermons, which wearied his hearers. 
 
 The Eakl of Laudekdale was alarmingly ill ; one 
 distressing symptom being the total absence of sleep. His 
 physicians said he would surely die if he did not obtain
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 103 
 
 sleep very soou. His son, liearing this remark, cried out, 
 *' Sen for that preaclung-mau frae Livingstone ; for father 
 aye sleeps in the kirk." The hint was adopted : the min- 
 ister came to the sick man's bedside, preached, and sleep 
 came to the relief of the patient, and he recovered. 
 
 A Scotch clergyman had a strajiger preach for him one 
 day. Meeting his beadle at the close of the service, he 
 said to him, "Well, Sanders, how did you like the preach- 
 ing to-day?" — '*! watna, sir, it' was rather o'erplain and 
 simple for me. I like the sermon that jumbles the judg- 
 ment, and confounds the sense. Od, sir, I never saw one 
 that could come up to yourself at that." 
 
 An ignorant Scotchman went to the kirk one day to 
 get his child christened. The question, "How many com- 
 mandments are there ? " was proposed to him ; and he re- 
 plied, ^'' Twenty. ^^ — "0 you ignorant fellow!" exclaimed 
 the officiating clergyman : " go and learn how many com- 
 mandments there are before you bring your child here for 
 baptism." 
 
 As he was retiring from the kirk, he met a neighbor 
 going there with his child for the same ceremony which had 
 been denied him. He asked his neighbor how many com- 
 mandments there were, and was told that there were ten. 
 " All ! my good fellow," said he, " you may as well turn back 
 with me ; for I offered the minister twenty, and he would 
 not baptize my child." 
 
 On a certain occa.sion, when Dr. Wayland was discussing 
 the subject of miracles with a class of young men, one of 
 them, to exhibit his shrewdness, made the following suppo- 
 bition : — 
 
 " Dr. Waylaud, suppose I Hhuuld solemnly declare to you, 
 that, in coming to the college-building this morning, tho
 
 104 MTETHFULNESS. 
 
 lamp-post on sucli a street bowed, and spoke to me, utter- 
 ing intelligent sentiment : what would you say ? " The 
 doctor replied, •' I should ask you, my son, where you spent 
 last night ? " 
 
 A preacher, whose custom it was to preach very long ser- 
 mons, exchanged with one who only preached half as long. 
 At about the customary time for dismissing, the audience 
 began to go out. This hegira continued till all had left but 
 the sexton, who stood it as long as he could, and then, 
 walking up to the pulpit-stairs, said to the preacher in a 
 whisper, " When you have got through, please lock up, and 
 leave the key at my house, next to the church." 
 
 A good old Methodist preacher, long ago removed from 
 this scene of temptation, in relating his " experience," said 
 that woman's eye was once so powerful as to draw him thir- 
 teen miles over a rough road in winter, simply for her to tell 
 him that she wouldn't marry him. 
 
 " Mary, my love," said a pastor to his not very amiable 
 wife at the dinner-table, " shall I help you to a piece of the 
 heart ? " — "I believe," said she, " that a piece of the heart 
 was all that I ever got." There was a commotion among 
 the dishes. 
 
 One of Bishop Bloomfield's hon-mots was uttered dur- 
 ing his last illness. He inquired what had been the sub- 
 ject of his two archdeacon's charges ; and was told that 
 one was on the art of making sermons, and the other on 
 churchyards. *' Oh! I see," said the bishop : ''composition 
 and decomposition." 
 
 A Welsh clergyman applied to his diocesan for a living. 
 The bishop promised him one ; but, as the clergyman was
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 105 
 
 taking his leave, he expressed hopes that liis lordship would 
 not send him into the interior of the principality, as his 
 wife could not speak Welsh. " Your wife, sir ! " said the 
 bishop : " what has your wife to do with it ? She does not 
 preach, does she ? " — "No, my lord," said the parson ; " but 
 she lectures." 
 
 In the State of Ohio, there resided a family, consisting of 
 an old man and four sous, by the name of Beaver, who had 
 often laughed to scorn the advice and entreaties of a pious 
 though very eccentric minister who resided in the same town. 
 One .of the boys was bitten by a rattlesnake ; and, in the 
 prospect of sudden death, the minister was sent for in great 
 haste. On his arrival, he found the young man very peni- 
 tent, and anxious to be prayed for. Calling the family 
 together, the minister knelt, and prayed, " Lord ! we 
 thank thee for rattlesnakes. We thank thee that a rattle- 
 snake has bit Jim. We pray that thou wouldst send one 
 to bite John, and one to bite Sam, and one to bite Bill. 
 And, Lord ! send the biggest kind of a rattlesnake to bite 
 the old man ; for nothing but rattlesnakes will ever bring 
 the Beaver family to repentance." 
 
 "Dey don't die DAT Way." — The following comment 
 of a colored preacher on the text, " It is more blessed to 
 give than to receive," is inimitable for its points as well as 
 eloquence : '*' I've known many a church to die 'cause it 
 didn't give enough ; but I never knowed a church to die 
 'cause it gave too much. Dey don't die dat way. Bred- 
 eren, has any of you knowed a church to die 'cause it gave 
 too much ? If you do, just let mo know, and I'll make a 
 pilgrimage to that church, and I'll climb by de soft light of 
 de moon up do moss-covered roof, and lift my hands to 
 heaven, and say, * Blcased are de dead dat die in do 
 I^rd.' "
 
 106 • MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 A clergyman of. olden time, in New England, was accus- 
 tomed to visit the store in the village for the double purpose 
 of obtaining his dram, and lecturing loiterers who spent too 
 much time there and drank too freely at the bar. He was 
 a great enemy to intemperance, and had an intense hatred 
 of hypocrisy. One winter morning, the venerable pastor 
 walked into the attractive room, and took his seat before 
 the fire. While he sat there, a large number of persons 
 called for their morning dram; one saying he had taken 
 cold, another that he felt chilly, another that his stomach 
 was out of order, another that he did not feel well, and 
 another that he was going into the cold, &c. Disgusted with 
 these excuses, the pastor stepped to the bar, and said in a 
 commanding voice, " Pass that decanter this way : I want a 
 drink of gin because I love it." 
 
 A Scotch minister in a strange parish, wishing to know 
 what his people thought of his preaching, questioned the 
 beadle. 
 
 ''What do they say of Mr. ?" (his predecessor.) 
 
 "Oh ! " said the beadle, "they say he is not sound." 
 Minister. " What do they say of the new minister ? " 
 (himself) 
 
 Beadle. " Oh ! they say he's all sound ! " 
 
 A very excitable colored preacher, called to marry a 
 couple, in his extemporaneous ceremony expatiated upon 
 love. He earnestly enjoined upon the parties to love one 
 another, their fathers and mothers, brothers and sisters, 
 uncles and aunts, and cousins of every grade, &c. Having 
 finished the ceremony, with his soul full of emotion, he 
 started the hymn, — 
 
 " Plunged in a gulf of dark despair," 
 which he sang with intense feeling.
 
 ANECDOTES RESPECTING CLERGYMEN. 107 
 
 "Wit when wanted. — The facetious Watty Morrison, 
 as he was commonly called, was entreating the commanding 
 officer at Fort George to pardon a poor fellow sent to the 
 halberds. 
 
 The latter granted .his request on condition that ^Mr. Mor- 
 rison should grant the first favor which he asked ; that being 
 to perform the ceremony of baptism for a young puppy. A 
 merry party of gentlemen were invited to the christening. 
 
 ;Mr. Iklorrison desired Major to hold up the dog. 
 
 " As I am a minister of the Kirk of Scotland," said he, 
 "I must proceed accordingly." 
 
 The officer replied that he desired no more. 
 
 " Well, then, major," rejoined the other, " I begin with 
 the usual question, 'You acknowledge yourself to be the 
 father of this puppy?'" 
 
 Th» major felt the force of the joke, and threw down 
 the animal. 
 
 Thus did the witty minister turn the laugh against the 
 insnarer, who intended to deride the sacred ordinance. 
 
 On another occasion, when a young officer scoffed* at the 
 parade of study to which churchmen assigned their right of 
 remuneration for labor, and offered to bet that he would 
 preach half an hour upon a verse, or section of a verse, from 
 any part of the Scripture, Mr. Morrison pointed out the fol- 
 lowing Wfjrds : — 
 
 " And the ass opened his mouth, and spake." 
 
 The former, however, declined employing his eloquence 
 on that passage, and thereby was put in confusion. 
 
 Rev. Mr. Robbixs of Chelsea said, when the society of 
 hia brother in Uost.^n were building a very expensive 
 cliurch for which they were unable to pay, " My brother 
 lias tried fur years to briiif^ his people to repentance, and ho 
 is now in the way to succeed." The house was sold to pay 
 the parish debt incurred in its erection.
 
 108 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 On a certain occasion, Mr. Bobbins attended a ministerial 
 association, wearing a pair of nankeen pantaloons. Dr. 
 P of Boston, who had great regard for ministerial pro- 
 priety and dignity, said to Mr. Kobbins, — 
 
 " I am astonished at seeing you here in such costume." 
 
 " What objection have you to my costume, doctor?" said 
 Mr Bobbins. " Is it not clean ? " 
 
 '' It is clean enough," said Dr. P ; " but just think 
 
 of a minister appearing in a ministerial association in nan- 
 keen pantaloons ! " 
 
 " I don't carry my religion in my pantaloons," was Mr. 
 Eobbins's reply. This excited Dr. P to say, — 
 
 "■ This is just like you. People tell me that you preach 
 religious nonsense." 
 
 " Well, doctor," said Mr. Bobbins, " I have the advantage 
 of you ; for they tell me that you preach nonsense without 
 religion." 
 
 There were two clergymen residing in a Western city, who 
 bore the name of Bobert Collter. One was an English- 
 man, and a radical Unitarian ; the other, whose name was 
 Bobert L., was a Methodist. A gentleman wishing to 
 see the latter, with whom he had no acquaintance, called 
 upon the former, who said to him, " I am Bev. Bobert 
 Collyer, but not Bobert Hell. The Bobert who has the 
 Hell in him lives on such a street."
 
 ABOUT LAWYERS.
 
 ABOUT UWYERS. 
 
 A PIOUS old man asked an aged Christian lawyer if he 
 thought that a man could be a successful lawyer and a 
 Christian. The reply was, "It depends altogether upon 
 how he behaves." Some of the following anecdotes will 
 illustrate the fact, that some people think that the legal 
 profession is unfavorable to the cultivation of piety, and 
 even of honesty. Lawyers constitute a necessary and useful 
 class of citizens, and some of them have developed rich veins 
 of wit and humor. 
 
 The celebrated Rufus Choate was the most successful 
 jury -lawyer that ever pleaded beftre a Massachusetts court. 
 His biof,'r:iplier infurms us that he secured eminence at the 
 bar within two years from the date of his admission thereto, 
 and from that time, while he remained in his native county, 
 he had all the criminal defences, and no jury ever brought 
 in a verdict of guilty against a client deft?nded by him. 
 After his admission to full practice in the Supreme Judicial 
 Court, at one term he procured the acquittal of all whom he 
 defended ; and they constituted nearly the entire docket. 
 The Court closed the week before Thanksgiving ; and it was 
 said, " The rogues went home to enjoy that festival, instead 
 of going to jail and the penitentiary." "The old and ven- 
 erable attorney-general said pleasantly, at one of these 
 
 111
 
 112 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 trials, that Choate was a conjurer, and lie really believed 
 the days of the Salem witchcraft had returned." In 1848, 
 the compiler published a pamphlet upon a criminal case 
 tried at Lowell, in which Mr. Choate appeared, as he said, 
 for the first time, against an accused person. The parties 
 by whom he was employed were personally interested in 
 securing the conviction of the accused, and he exerted him- 
 self to effect the result. One chapter in the pamphlet re- 
 ferred to bears this title : " Mk. Choate, the unequalled 
 Advocate." The following quotation constitutes about 
 one-third of this chapter : — 
 
 " I had heard much of the oratory of this very distin- 
 guished lawyer, and especially of his power over a jury ; but 
 I must say, the half was not told me. I never heard his 
 equal, never, no, never ; and I doubt whether it was ever 
 heard before a court; and jury. During his argument, he 
 exerts upon his hearers a peculiar, an enchanting influence, 
 in addition to what he says. I never was so sensible of this 
 influence before. I had experienced the like, but never to 
 such extent. I don't know what to call it ; but they who 
 have listened to this matchless orator will understand what 
 I mean. He' exhibits a good deal of action, and treats the 
 jury with much respect. He steps backward and forward ; 
 and when he comes near the enchanted twelve, and shakes 
 his trembling fingers, he seems to be scattering electricity 
 among them. He combines ingenuity in argument with 
 great force and beauty of style. His argument appears 
 like an iron cable wreathed with roses ; but close examina- 
 ■ tion will show that the most beautiful part of the wreath is 
 sometimes made to supply a missing link. So skilfully is 
 this done, however, that many take it for granted that the 
 iron is all there, and that the whole is as strong as it is 
 beautiful. His gestures are graceful and forcible, and the 
 tones of his voice are the tones of an orator. When deeply 
 interested, his whole soul seems to be on fire with his sub-
 
 ABOUT LAWYERS. 113 
 
 ject, and he appears to be thorouglil}'' convinced that he is 
 advocating the truth. lie is a skilful painter. I remember 
 a scene of his invention in P.'s case. In this scene, the 
 accused was made to act an important part. He was rep- 
 resented in this imaginary scene as the chief conspirator 
 against the innocent F. According to the orator's repre- 
 sentation, P.'s plans were about to be destroyed by the 
 question proposed by Mr. M. P. heard that question, and 
 saw its bearing: he hesitated; but the temptation was 
 too strong. He yielded, and was lost, lost, lost ! The 
 word ' lost ' was first uttered in an emphatic half-whisper, 
 then more of a whisper, and finally in a perfect one pro- 
 longed. The effect was tremendous ; all of which was 
 produced by painting; for the evidence shows that there 
 was nothing, absolutely nothing, to tempt P. to answer no, 
 rather than yes." In connection with his oratorical powers, 
 be possessed the gift at repartee, a keen sense of the ludi- 
 crous, with geniality and imperturbable good lumior. A man 
 of small property, belonging to Cliarlestown, culled upon 
 Mr. Choate to ascertain whether a tax of ten dollars had 
 been rightly levied or not. The great advocate turned him 
 over to his young partner, who prepared an opinion, and 
 secured his senior's signature to the same, who told him to 
 charge a fee of twenty-five dollars for the work. When the 
 opinion was called for, the jtoor client comj)lained of the 
 high charge, and said he had but fifteen dollars ready money 
 in the world. The junior partner took the fifteen dollars, 
 and receipted the bill; and, when ho told his senior what ho 
 had done, tlie distinguished lawyer said, " You took all ho 
 had, did you? Well, I've nothing to say to that: thnt's 
 strictly professional." 
 
 In a speech l>eforo a legislative committoo in behalf of 
 petitioners to set ofT'thri'e wards of the city of Iloxbury as 
 a separate agricultural town, he said, " My brother may 
 oomo with his lioneyed wonls, and toll how much he loves 
 
 6
 
 114 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 us ; but I ask for this separation on tlie ground of incom- 
 patibility of interest, and demand it on the ground of in- 
 compatibility of temper. I remember to have passed a por- 
 tion of my life in New Ipswich. There was Old Ipswich. 
 There was the town, and there the numbers, I will tell 
 you an instance of their government of us. Among the 
 objects of expenditure were fire-engines, hose, hooks, and 
 ladders. I remember that the people of Old Ipswich kept 
 all the engines in Chebaco (which was the old Indian name 
 of the town), and sent down very religiously the hooks to 
 New Ipswich, in order to pull down the buildings, to pre- 
 vent any farther spread of fire, the houses being at least 
 half a mile from each other." In alluding to a witness, 
 who, wishing to avoid close examination in court, feigned 
 sickness, and had his deposition taken by two lawyers asso- 
 ciated with him, Mr. Choate said, " We sent Drs. Durant 
 and i)ana to him: they cured the patient ; but they hilled 
 the witness" 
 
 A Police Judge. — A number of years ago, a man pre- 
 sided over the Police Court in Portsmouth, N.H., who had 
 a large capacity for food, and was extravagantly fond of 
 eating. A farmer brought some turkeys to market ; and 
 several of them were stolen from his wagon, but were re- 
 covered on a warrant issued by the astute judge under con- 
 sideration, and the thief was bound over for trial before a 
 higher court. The judge told the farmer that he must 
 retain the turkeys for testimony. The farmer submitted, 
 without being able to see how the suit would profit him. 
 On the witness-stand, the judge was asked what became of 
 the turkeys. His reply was, passing his hands over his 
 well-developed abdomen, "The turkeys perished in the 
 custody of law." 
 
 When Judge Stoker was told that he lost much time by
 
 ABOUT LAWYERS. 115 
 
 his habit of late rising, he replied, " It matters less at what 
 time of day a mau opens his eyes, thari it does whether he 
 is wide awake after they are opened." When walking with 
 several large men, one of them asked him how he felt walk- 
 ing with gentlemen so much larger than himself. Judge 
 Store r*s reply was, " I feel like a fourpeuce-ha'penny among 
 six cents." 
 
 Hon*. Judge Russell. — Speaking at the dinner in 
 honor of Commodore Wilkes, soon after he had taken Ma- 
 son and Slidell from " The Trent," Judge Russell said that 
 these foreign ministers were now to be regarded as " settled 
 ministers." At the same occasion, speaking of " The Ala- 
 bama's" depredations, Mr. Russell turned to Mr. George B. 
 Upton, one of the largest losers by that pirate, and said, 
 " But these remarks are not for the public, but for Mr. 
 Upton's private ear" (privateer). 
 
 At a Unitarian convention. Judge Russell followed Rev. 
 E. E. Hale, who began his speech by saying that he was sent 
 first, as little elephants were sent across rivers to try the 
 strength of the current, and to make it safe for larger ones 
 to follow. Judge Russell began by saying that he felt like 
 a little elephant that had put his speech in his trunk, and 
 left his trunk at home. He had been advised to commence 
 his speech by saying, that, during that year, ten thousand one 
 hundred and three persons had come before him in criuiinal 
 court, and only thirteen of them were Unitarians ; and that 
 he didn't see these thirteen. " But," said he, " I do see 
 them, 'and some of them are second-comers ; yea, more, 
 some of them have come again and again ; and long may 
 they continue to come to illustrate that charity which is 
 better than any sectarian faith." The spcaki-r followed this 
 introduction witli a eulogy u\um the Ministry at J..arg«'. 
 
 A green member of -the Legislature asked the mate of 
 the school-ship if there was any way of reaching her by
 
 116 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 land. The mate, willing to quiz the lawgiver, said that 
 a balloon went to it once a week from Boston Common. 
 Judge Russell added immediately, "We really haven't a 
 balloon ; but we have two parachutes," pointing to the four 
 cannon, which made two pair o' shoots. 
 
 When certain Whig papers abused the Hon. Horace 
 Mann for attacking Mr. Webster, Judge Russell said, in 
 a Free-soil speech, " These politicians not only assailed Mr. 
 Mann, but declared that he was politically dead. 
 
 " But soon a wonder came to light, 
 Which showed tlae rogues they lied: 
 The Mann recovered of the bite ; 
 The dogs it was that died." 
 
 Judge Hoar was trying a case at New Bedford where 
 the witnesses all bore the name of Cash, and all appeared 
 badly on the witness-stand. As the district attorney 
 called his fifth witness, "John Cash," the judge leaned for- 
 ward, and said, "I suppose you call your witnesses cash 
 because they are no credit to anybody." 
 
 When " The Boston Atlas " said, in 1848, that Dr. Pal- 
 frey's only recommendation for Congress was his knowledge 
 of the dead languages. Judge Hoar retorted, " God foi»bid 
 that the language of liberty should ever be a dead language 
 in Middlesex County ! " 
 
 Judge Hoar's father, a leading lawyer in Middlesex 
 County for many years, had great influence with the jury. 
 A judge told him one day, in private conversation, that his 
 honest face was worth to him a thousand dollars a year pro- 
 fessionally. 
 
 A case was once given to a jury in which Mr. Hoar had 
 been one of the advocates ; and the jury was told to retire 
 with the sheriff, and make up their verdict. When the 
 officer reached the jury-room, he found he had but eleven 
 jurymen. Returning to the court -room, he found the
 
 ABOUT LAWYERS. ' 117 
 
 twelfth man sitting composedly in his seat, and told him 
 he must go out with his associates, and help make up the 
 vertlict. His reply was, " My verdict is already made up, 
 Squire. Hoar says it is so and so ; and it must be so." 
 
 A certain American lawyer had his portrait taken in his 
 favorite attitude, standing with one hand in his pocket. 
 His friends thought it was an excellent picture of him. An 
 old farmer remarked that the portrait would have looked 
 much more like the lawyer if it had represented him with 
 his hand in another man's pocket instead of his own. 
 
 ^\ji American judge once reprimanded a lawyer for bring- 
 ing several small suits into court ; remarking, that it would 
 have been better for the parties in each case had he per- 
 suaded them to an arbitration of some two or three honest 
 men. "Please your Honor," retorted the lawyer, "we did 
 not choose to trouble honest men with them." 
 
 A drunken lawyer in New England, going into church 
 one sabbatli, was observed by the minister, who addressed 
 liim thus : " I will bear witness against thee, thou great 
 sinner, in the day of judgment." The lawyer, shaking his 
 head, with drunken gravity replied, " I have practised 
 twenty years at the bar, and have always found that the 
 greatest rascal is the first to turn State's evidence." 
 
 The celebrated John Randolph met a personal enemy in 
 the street one day wlio refused to give him half of tin; side- 
 walk, saying that he never turned out for a rascal. "I do," 
 said Randolph, stcpjting aside, and politely raising his liat. 
 " Pass on." 
 
 'llic rivalry of Concord, Acton, an'l Lexington, for Uio 
 glories of tlic I'Jth of April, 1775, is well known. Judgo
 
 118 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 Hoar, presiding at a celebration in Concord, paid a compli- 
 ment to the memory of Capt. Davis, and called upon a ven- 
 erable selectman of Acton to respond. To the surprise of 
 all, the old gentleman made this reply : " I give you the 
 19th of April, '75 ; for which Concord furnished the field, 
 and Acton the men." 
 
 LOKD ELDO]!f, AN ENGLISH CHANCELLOR. Lord El- 
 
 don did not entertain a very exalted opinion of "trial by 
 jury." He said, " I remember Mr. Justice Gould trying a 
 case at York ; and, when he had proceeded about two hours, 
 he observed, ' Here are only eleven jurymen : where is the 
 twelfth ? ' — ' Please you, my lord,' said one of the eleven, 
 ' he has gone away about some business ; but he has left his 
 verdict with me.' " 
 
 Once, when leaving Newcastle after a very successful 
 assize,'a farmer rode up to Lord Eldon, and said, " Well, 
 lawyer, I was glad you carried the day so often ; and, if I 
 had had my way, you would never once have been beaten. 
 I was foreman of the jury, and you were sure of my vote ; 
 for you are my countryman, and we are proud of you." 
 
 Lord Eldon used to relate the following anecdote to illus- 
 trate the unreasonableness of the complaints against public 
 functionaries : — 
 
 "When travelling on the circuit, I stopped to bait my 
 horse in a village in which Mr. Moiser had been curate a 
 number of years before. I asked the landlord if he remem- 
 bered Mr. Moiser. 
 
 " ' Yes,' answered he with an oath, ' I well remember 
 him. It Avas the worst day this parish ever saw that 
 brought him here.' 
 
 " ' But,' said I, ' Mr. Moiser, my old teacher, was a very 
 respectable man.' 
 
 " ' That may be,' cried Boniface ; ' but he married me to 
 the worst wife that ever man was plagued with.'
 
 ABOUT LAWYERS. 119 
 
 " ' Oh ! is that all ? ' said I. ' That was your own fault : 
 she was your choice, not Mr. Moiser^s.' 
 
 "'Yes,' concluded he, unconvinced; 'but I could not 
 have been married if there had not been a parson to marry 
 us.'" 
 
 On one occasion, when George III. came out of the 
 House of Lords after opening the session of parliament, 
 he addressed Lord Eldon thus : " Lord Chancellor, did I 
 deliver the speech well ? " 
 
 " Very well indeed, sir," was the answer. 
 
 " I am glad of that," replied the king ; '^for tliere was 
 nothing in it." 
 
 Having knighted a man by the name of Day, George 
 III. said to Lord Eldon, '• Now I know that I am a king ; 
 for I have turned Dai/ into Knight." 
 
 In writing to a distinguished lady after he was released 
 from office. Lord Eldon said, '' I have no small comfort 
 to-day in having my organ of hearing relieved from the 
 eternal din of the tongues of counsel. I am sometimes 
 tormented (lie had no ta.ste for music) by the noise of Lady 
 Gwydis's Scotchmen playing under my windows upon the 
 Scotch instrument vulgarly called the bagpipe; but there 
 is music in that droning instrument, compared with the 
 battle of lawyers' tongues." 
 
 On a certain day, after presenting an immense number 
 of petition.^, Lord Eldon at last said, "I now hold in my 
 hand a petition which I do not know how to treat. It is 
 signed hy a large number of ladies. I am not aware 
 whether there be any precedent for a<lmitting ladies as 
 petitioners to your lordships' house ; but I will search the 
 journals, and see wliether they have ever been prevented 
 from remouHtrating against measures which they consider 
 injurious to the constitution." 
 
 Lord King. "Will the noble and li':irn(.d i;trl inforni 
 the houH«', as it may materially influence your lordships'
 
 120 MiriTHFULNESS. 
 
 decisiou, whether this petition expresses the sentiments of 
 young or of old ladies ? " 
 
 Lord Eldon. ''I cannot answer the noble lord as to 
 the exact age of these petitioners ; but of this I am sure, 
 that there are many women, both young and old, who pos- 
 sess more knowledge of the constitution, and more common 
 sense, than some descendants of lord chancellors." 
 
 A poor curate made a journey on foot to the residence 
 of Lord Eldon for the purpose of soliciting a vacant bene- 
 fice, the incumbent of which had just died. Learning from 
 his servant that the chajicellor had gone out a short distance 
 on a sporting trip, the curate went in search of him. 
 Coming up with a man shabbily dressed, carrying a gun, 
 and accompanied with a brace of dogs, the curate inquired 
 of him where he could find the chancellor. The sports- 
 man, who was the chancellor himself, replied, " Not far off"." 
 As he made this reply, he fired at a flock of pigeons, with 
 no success, as usual. The curate- passed on in his search, 
 and soon returned to the sportsman, whose several unpro- 
 ductive shots he had witnessed, and remarked to him, that 
 he was not a very successful shooter ; and added, " I wish 
 you could tell me where to find Lord Eldon." The sports- 
 man replied, "I am Lord Eldon." The poor curate felt 
 greatly embarrassed, and, in a stammering manner, made 
 known his business. He was told by the chancellor that he 
 never attended to such business during his seasons of recrea- 
 tion, and that the journey had been a failure. The disap- 
 pointed curate returned home, where he found a letter from 
 the chancellor, giving him the preferment. After telling 
 this story. Lord Eldon said with a waggish smile, " See the 
 ingratitude of mankind ! It was not long before a large 
 present of game reached me, with a letter from my new- 
 made rector, purporting that he had sent it me ; because, 
 fro7ii what lie had seen of my shooting, he supposed I must 
 be badly ofi" for game. Think of his turning upon me in
 
 ABOUT LAWYERS. 121 
 
 this way, after the kindness I had done him, and wounding 
 me in my very tenderest point ! " 
 
 It was said of Lord Eldon "that he never killed any 
 thing but time." 
 
 The following was his answer to an application for a 
 piece of preferment from his old friend, Dr. Fisher, of the 
 Charter House : — 
 
 '• Dear Fisher, I cannot to-day give you the preferment 
 for which you ask. I remain your sincere friend Eldon. 
 Turn over." On the other side was written, " I gave it to 
 you yesterday.^'' 
 
 A counsel at the chancery bar, by way of denying collu- 
 sion suspected to exist between him and the counsel repre- 
 senting another party, having said, "My lord, I assure 
 your lordship there is no understanding between us," the 
 chancellor observed, " I once heard a squire in the House 
 of Commons say of himself and another squire, ' We have 
 never, through life, had but one idea between us ; ' but I 
 tremble for the suitors when I am told that two eminent prac- 
 titioners at my bar have no understanding between them." 
 
 When the Welsh jurisdiction was about to be abolished, 
 two judges were appointed, with an understanding, that, 
 if it were abolished, they should not be entitled to a pension ; 
 but it was said that " all the others had pensions granted 
 them because they had been appointed without any under- 
 standing." 
 
 When engaged in hunting, Lord Eldon alwa3'3 went 
 shabbily dressed, that ho might pass people in disguise. 
 The following anecdote was related by himself: — 
 
 "When out shooting at Encombe, we went through a 
 field where a boy was employed to drive off the crows and 
 rooks from new-sown wheat. I perceived the boy following 
 us in our sport at least a mile from that field. * My boy,' 
 said I, ' how came you to leave your work ? The birds will 
 get all the wheat.'
 
 122 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 " ' Ob, no ! my lord/ said the boy : ' tbey saw your lord- 
 ship in the field ; and they won't dare come again, now 
 they know you have been there.' " 
 
 Lord Eldon told the following story respecting himself: — ■ 
 " One day, as I was on my grounds with my dog and 
 gun, in my usual shooting attire, I heard two reports in an 
 adjoining field, and saw what appeared to be — as, in fact, 
 they afterwards proved — two gentlemen. I accosted them 
 with, ' Gentlemen, I apprehend you have not Lord Eldon's 
 permission to shoot on his grounds ? ' To which one of 
 them replied, — 
 
 " ' Oh ! permission is not necessary in our case.' 
 '' ' May I venture to ask why, gentlemen ? ' I said. 
 " ' Because we flushed our birds on other grounds ; and 
 the law entitles us to follow our game anywhere. If you 
 ask your master, he will tell you that is the lawJ Where- 
 upon I said, — 
 
 " ' I don't think it will be necessary to trouble him on 
 that account; since, to tell you the truth, I am Lord Eldon 
 myself.' 
 
 " They instantly sought to apologize ; but I added, — 
 "'Come, gentlemen, our meeting has begun in good 
 humor, and so let it end. Pursue your pleasure on my 
 grounds : only, next time, don't be quite so positive in your 
 law.' " 
 
 When Lord John Campbell, LL.D., was an under- 
 graduate, while skating one day, he fell through the ice, and 
 was immersed to his neck in water. Having extricated 
 himself from his unpleasant position, he' was approached 
 by a brandy-vender, who recommended some hot sling. A 
 fellow-student passing by cried out to the retailer, " None 
 of your brandy for that wet young man : he never drinks 
 but when he is dryJ'' A proper pendant to this joke is 
 that of the old Scotch woman, who, upon an wwpopular
 
 ABOUT LAWYERS. 123 
 
 preacher coming into her house after being exposed to a 
 heavy shower of rain, and asking leave to dry himself at 
 her fire, advised him " to go into the poopit, where he would 
 be sure to be dry enough^ 
 
 CuRRAN", THE Great Irish Lawyer. — Mr. Curran, 
 riding one day by the country-seat of a judge whom he 
 know, was interested in a group of lovely children whom he 
 perceived playing in the avenue. He stopped to inquire to 
 whom all these fine children belonged : he was answered by 
 the nurse, who had a beautiful infant in her arms, that they 
 
 were the children of Judge . " Pray, my good woman, 
 
 how many of them has he ? " — " There are twelve playing 
 about in the j-ard, and this in my arms is the thirteenth." 
 " Then," said Curran, " the judge has a full jury, and may 
 proceed to trial whenever he chooses; and the youngest one 
 will make an excellent crier." A gentleman thinking much 
 of his dress, and wishing to display a new pair of half-boots, 
 appealed to Curran for his opinicm of them. Curran said 
 '• he observed but one fault, — they showed too much of the 
 calf" A Mr. Hoare's countenance was very grave and 
 solemn, with an expression like one of the statues of the 
 head of Brutus. When he smiled, which was very seldom, 
 he smiled in such away as seemed to have rebuked the spirit 
 tliat could smile at all. Mr. Curran, once observing a beam 
 •"'^ j'^'y to enliven his face, remarked, " AVhenover I see 
 smiles on Hoare's countenance, I think they are like tin 
 'I asps on a coffin." 
 
 A politician, wishing to elevate himself by giving a de- 
 scription of Ireland's grievances, asked Mr. Curran to supply 
 biin with a list of them. The hitter, understanding the 
 si'lfish motives of the former, declined granting his re<|uest. 
 When asked by a third party wliy ho did not grant it, ho 
 replied, " At my time of life, I have no notion of turning 
 hod/nan to any political architect."
 
 124 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 The following is Curran's description of his first appear- 
 ance at a debating society : " I stood up. My mind was 
 stored with about a folio volun\e of matter ; but, for want of 
 a preface, the volume was never published. I stood up, 
 trembling through at every fibre. Though remembering 
 that in this I was but imitating Tully, I took courage, and 
 had actually proceeded about as far as 'Mr. Chairman,' 
 when, to my astonishment and terror, I perceived that every 
 eye was riveted upon me. There were only six or seven pres- 
 ent, and'the little room could not have contained as many 
 more ; yet it was to my pain-stricken imagination, as if I 
 were the central object in Nature, and assembled millions 
 were gazing on me with breathless expectation. I became 
 dismayed and dumb. My friends cried, ' Hear him ! ' but 
 there was nothing to hear. My lips, indeed, went through 
 the pantomime of articulation : but I was like the unfortu- 
 nate fiddler at the fair, who, coming to strike up the solo 
 that was to ravish every ear, discovered that an enemy had 
 maliciously soaped his bow ; or rather like poor Punch, as I 
 once saw him, grimacing a soliloquy of which his prompter 
 had most indiscreetly neglected to administer the words." 
 Such was the debut of stuttering Jack Curran, or Orator 
 Mum as he was waggishly styled ; but not many months 
 elapsed ere the sun of his eloquence burst forth in dazzling 
 splendor. " Curran," said a judge to him, whose wig, being 
 a little awry, caused some laughter in court, " do you see 
 any thing ridiculous in my wig?" — "Nothing but the 
 head, my lord," was the prompt reply. One day, Curran sat 
 opposite to Toler at dinner, who was called the "hanging- 
 judge." — " Curran," said Toler, " is that hung-beef before 
 you ? " — " Do you try it, my lord, and then it's sure to be." 
 A great big Irish counsellor said to Curran, " If you go 
 on so, I'll put you in my pocket." — " If you do," said 
 Curran, " you'll have more law in your pocket than you 
 ever had in your head."
 
 ABOUT LAWYERS. 125 
 
 An Irish barrister, pleading before Lord Clare, tbougbt 
 proper to introduce an eagle ; and, after vainly trying to 
 carry out and apply his metaphor, broke down. " The next 
 time, sir," said the chancellor, " that you bring an eagle 
 into court, I recommend you to clip his wings." 
 
 A counsellor endeavored to overcome the judge, Lord 
 Newbury, the distinguished punster. One day, when Lord 
 Newbury was charging a jury, the address was interrupted 
 by the braying of a donkey. " What noise is that ? " cried 
 Lord Newbury. "'Tis only the echo of the court, my 
 lord," answered Counsellor Ready-Tongue. Not discon- 
 certed, the judge resumed his address ; but soon the coun- 
 sellor interposed with technical objections. While putting 
 them, the donkey brayed again. " One at a time, if you 
 please," said the retaliating joker. 
 
 An attorney in Dublin having died exceedingly poor, a 
 shilling-subscription was set afoot to pay the expenses of 
 his funeral. Most of the attorneys and barristers having 
 subscribed, one of them applied to Toler, afterwards Lord 
 Chief-Justice Newbury, expressing a hope that he would 
 also subscribe his shilling. " Only a shilling ! " said Toler; 
 "only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here is a guinea: 
 go and bury one and twenty of them." 
 
 Curran had a perfect horror of fleas; and those vermin 
 seemed to show liim peculiar hostility. " If they infested 
 a house," he said, " they would all assemble in his bed- 
 chamber when they knew he was to sleep there." Being 
 dreadfully annoyed one night by these pests, in the morn- 
 ing he thus a<ldressed the landlady: "I declare, madam, 
 tlu^ fleas were iujjuch numbers, and seized upon my carcass 
 with so much ferocity, that if they had been unanimous, 
 and all pulled one way, they must have dragged me out of 
 bed entirely!" Curran's ruling [)a.HHion was a joke. In 
 his last illness, his physician observing in the morning that 
 he coughed witli more difliiulty, he* n-plied, "That is sur- 
 prising, as 1 have been practising all night."
 
 126 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 An Irish judge by the name of Ham, after listening some 
 time to two young barristers who harangued the court, 
 each most positively laying down " the law of the case " in 
 direct opposition to his opponent's statement of it, said, 
 when asked the point, "How, gentlemen, can I settle it 
 between you ? You, sir, positively say the law is one way ; 
 and you, sir, as unequivocally, that it is the other way. I 
 earnestly wish, Billy Harris," turning to his register, " I 
 knew what the law really was." — " My lord," replied Billy 
 Harris most sententiously, rising at the same moment, and 
 casting a despairing glance toward the bench, " if I pos- 
 sessed that knowledge, I would impart it to your lordship 
 with a great deal of pleasure." — " Then we'U sav& the 
 'point, Billy Harris ! " exclaimed the judge. 
 
 A more modern justice of the Irish king's bench, in 
 giving his dictum on a certain will case, absolutely said 
 " he thought it very clear that the testator- intended to keep 
 a life-interest in the estate to himself P The bar did not 
 laugh outright ; but Curran soon rendered that consequence 
 inevitable by saying, " Very true, my lord, very true ; tes- 
 tators generally do secure life-interests to themselves : but, 
 in this case, I rather think your lordship takes the will for 
 the deed." 
 
 Lord Eeskine, being much indisposed during a dinner 
 at Sir Ralph Payne's, retired to another apartment, and re- 
 clined for a time upon a sofa. In the course of the evening, 
 being somewhat recovered, he rejoined the festive circle ; 
 and, in answer to Lady Payne's inquiry how he found him- 
 self, he presented to her the following couplet : — 
 
 " 'Tis true I am ill : but I need not complain; 
 For he never knew pleasure who never knew Payne." 
 
 The house of an ancient counsellor, in Red-lion Square, 
 being taken by an ironmonger, Erskine thus celebrated the 
 event : —
 
 ABOUT LAWYERS. 127 
 
 " This house, where once a lawyer dwelt, 
 Is now a smith's alas ! 
 How rapidly the iron age 
 * Succeeds the age of brass ! " 
 
 Being counsel for a person, who, whilst travelling in a 
 stage-coach which started from " The Swan with Two 
 Necks," in Lad Lane, had been upset, and had his arm 
 broken, he thus began with much gravity : " Gentlemen of 
 the jury, the plaintiff in this case is Mr. Beverly, a respec- 
 table merchant of Liverjjool ; and the defendant is Mr. Nel- 
 son, proprietor of 'The Swan with Two Necks,' in Lad 
 Lane, — a sign emblematical, I suppose, of the number of 
 necks people ought to possess who ride in his vehicles." 
 
 His friend Mr. Maylem, having observed that hife phy- 
 sician had ordered him not to bathe, — "Oh! then," said 
 Erskine, ^^ jou are malum prohibitum." 
 
 " My wife, however," resumed the other, " does bathe." 
 
 "Worse still," rejoined Erskine ; "for she is malum in SE." 
 
 In the exuberance of his fun, he was fond of practical j.okes. 
 
 Sir John Sinclair having proposed that the British 
 
 nation should present him a testimonial for his eminent 
 
 services, — in answer to one of his circulars, Erskine wrote 
 
 on the first page of a letter, in a flowing hand, these words, 
 
 which filled it to the bottom : — 
 
 " My dear Sir Joun, — I am certain there are few in 
 this kingdom who set a higher vahie on your public services 
 than ujyself; and I have the lionor to subscribe" — 
 On turning over the leaf was to be found — 
 " Myself your most obedient, faithful servant, 
 
 " T. EliSKINE." 
 
 A learned counsellor once said to a countryman under- 
 going a cro.ss-examinut ion in the witness-box, " Frockiiiaii, 
 how much are you paid f<jr lying?" 
 
 " Less than you are, or you would be in a striped frock too."
 
 128 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 Some years ago, the lawyers in Lowell gave public notice 
 that their offices would be closed evenings. In referring to 
 this notice, " The Boston Post " said that the community 
 would probably be benefited if those offices were closed 
 both day and evening. 
 
 Daniel Webster was riding in a stage-coach with an 
 old man, near Salisbury, N.H., who knew his father and 
 brother, but did not know him personally, while he knew 
 of him. After obtaining pretty full information respecting 
 the members of the family the old man knew, Mr. Webster 
 asked him if he could tell him any thing about Daniel. 
 The old man replied, " I believe Daniel is a lawyer in the 
 neighborhood of Boston." 
 
 An attorney, says an ingenious writer, is the same thing 
 to a barrister that an apothecary is to a physician ; with 
 this difference, that your lawyer does not deal in scru- 
 ples. 
 
 A prisoner being brought to Bow Street, the following 
 dialogue passed between him and the sitting magistrate : — 
 
 *' How do you live ? " 
 
 " Pretty well, sir : generally a joint and pudding at din- 
 ner." 
 
 " I mean, sir, how do you get your bread ? " 
 
 " I beg your Honor's pardon : sometimes at the baker's, 
 and sometimes at the chandler's shop." 
 
 " You may be as witty as you please, sir ; but I mean 
 simply to ask you. How do you do ? " 
 
 " Tolerably well, I thank your Honor : I hope your Honor 
 is well." 
 
 A young aspirant to eminence at the bar introduced into 
 his maiden speech before a jury the figure of a ship weigh-
 
 ABOUT LAWYERS. 129 
 
 ing anchor, sailing majestically down the harbor, moving 
 out to sea, and encountering a storm. In describing the 
 storm, his words and thoughts failed him, and he was com- 
 pelled to stop. Addressing the court, with a half-imploring 
 look and tone, he said, " If your Honor will permit me to 
 come ashore, I will promise never to venture out to sea 
 again." 
 
 Another young lawyer, not very skilful in rhetorical soar- 
 ings, in a speech before a jury, commenced describing the 
 flight of an eagle : " The royal bird rose from her resting- 
 place, and soared aloft in airy regions. Farther and still 
 farther did she bear herself heavenward, looking proudly 
 on all below." At this point of his description he became 
 embarrassed, and, turning* to the judge, said, " I have got 
 that bird up there, your Honor ; but I know not how to get 
 the creature down." 
 
 A countryman called upon a lawyer, and stated his case, 
 in which he wished to employ him. The lawyer asked the 
 man if he had made a true statement. He replied in the 
 aflirmative ; adding, " I thought best to tell you the plain 
 truth, and leave you to put in the lies where they are 
 needed." 
 
 A clergyman visited Washington for the purpose of col- 
 lecting money for the building of a church in a neighboring 
 town. Mi-eting a waggish Congressman, to whom he ap- 
 plied for aid, the man told him that he could not contribute 
 to hia object, but ho would direct him to a senator, a very 
 pious man of hia denomination, who would doubtless, if 
 rightly approached, contribute very largely toward the sacred 
 building. Following tlie direction of the CoiigresHman, the 
 clerical agent called upon ilon. Hen Wade, and told him 
 that a gentleman had informed him that he would probably
 
 130 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 contribute liberally to his object, which he described ; and 
 added, " The treasury of the Lord is empty, and I am his 
 appointed agent to fill it. Men are God's stewards : ' the 
 cattle on a thousand hills are his,' and he is now calling for 
 what is his own." The honorable senator replied, " You say 
 the treasury of the Lord is empty, and the cattle on a thou- 
 sand hills are his. If that is so, why in — — don't you, his 
 agent, take a lot of these cattle and sell them, and fill up 
 the Lord's treasury ? There is a good demand for beef, and 
 it brings a high price." 
 
 Hon. Isaac 0. Baknes was celebrated for his jokes. 
 The proprietor of the Bromfield House, Boston, being a 
 Baptist, was called upon for a donation to aid in completing 
 a meeting-house for a colored socfety. After giving to the 
 object, the proprietor directed his colored brother to Mr. 
 Barnes, who was reading a newspaper in the public room at 
 the time. The agent approached Mr. Barnes, presented his 
 object, and asked for a donation. After asking a few ques- 
 tions, Mr. Barnes told the applicant to put him down for a 
 donation of five hundred dollars. Astonished and delighted, 
 the colored man thanked the liberal donor again and again. 
 Barnes interrupted him by saying, " I make this donation 
 on one condition, which must be stated on the subscrip- 
 tion-paper; viz., all candidates for membership shall be im- 
 mersed in Jiot watery 
 
 One day, Mr. Barnes was passing a meeting-house in 
 which a Second- Advent society was rendering rather noisy 
 worship. Barnes inquired of his companion what was 
 going on in that house, and was told that Second- Advent 
 people were worshipping there. " Second- Advent people ! " 
 said he : " who are they ? " He was told that they believed 
 Christ was coming on earth again to dwell with men. 
 " Well," said Barnes, " if he does come again, I hojpe he will 
 receive better treatment than he did when he came before."
 
 ABOUT LAWYERS. 131 
 
 Tklr. Barnes was president of a bank that failed, tlie failure 
 of which awakened some suspicion against the officers. A 
 short time before the failure, Barnes was told that the bank 
 commissioners were going to examine into the affairs of 
 his bank. "Glad of it," said he: "I wish somebody 
 would examine the thing ; for I declare I don't know any 
 thing about it myself." 
 
 When he was in England, Col. Barnes was told by an 
 English gentleman that their railroad-engines were capable 
 of running at the rate of seventy-five miles per hour. The 
 colonel replied that they could not run at that rate very 
 long without running off their plaguy little island. 
 
 In his last sickness, a short time before his death, his 
 friend, the editor of " The Post," called to see him, and 
 asked how he did. The colonel replied, " I am in a dying 
 
 state : I shall slip away from you soon." Col. G felt 
 
 of his hands and feet, and remarked, "You are not dying. 
 Col. Barnes; for your extremities are warm. Persons do 
 not die with warm hands and feet." — "I have known per- 
 sons die," said Col. Barnes, "with warm extremities." — 
 " Whom did you ever know die with warm extremities ? " 
 inquired his friend. ^'John Rogers,^' was the prompt reply. 
 
 Capt. Barnes, the colonel's father, was a witty man. As 
 one of the selectmen of Bedford, N.IL, he asked the legal 
 a<Ivice of the elder Squire Atherton of Amherst, for which 
 the latter charged six dollars. Capt. Barnes said he thought 
 the change to<j high, and was afraid the town would com- 
 plain. "Oh! it's about right," said the lawyer. The captain 
 paid the fee ; and a short time after, being in Boston with 
 ills two-horse team, he met Mr. Atherton, who askinl him 
 if he would curry a piano for him to Amherst. lie replied 
 in the affirmative. The instrument was loaded, and con- 
 veyed to Mr. Atherton's house, who was there to receive 
 it. Mr. Atherton said to Capt. Barnes, " Wliat is youy 
 charge '( " — " Six dollars," waa the reply. " Six dollars t "
 
 132 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 said Mr. Atlierton : " that is very high." — " Oh ! ahout 
 right, about right," said the captain j and both laughed, 
 while the squire poid the six dollars. 
 
 Returning home from Boston with his team, he called at 
 the only tavern then kept in Nashua, N.H., which was 
 largely patronized by a rough class of men who did busi- 
 ness on the Merrimack Kiver. Capt. Barnes was a very 
 tall man, and at this time was covered with dust and dirt, 
 and had the appearance of an uncultivated countryman. 
 As he entered the bar-room, which was occupied by a com- 
 pany of river-men, he observed them looking at him with 
 countenances which indicated fun. They had seen him 
 through the window, and were prepared to have some sport 
 with him. As he entered the room, one of them approached 
 him, and extended his hand, which was taken by Capt. Barnes 
 with the remark, " You seem to know me, sir ; but I do not 
 recognize you." The other replied, " I think you are Saul, 
 the son of Cis." — " You are right," replied Capt. Barnes. 
 " I am in search of my father's animals, and am very glad 
 to find so many of them here together."
 
 ABOUT DOCTORS.
 
 ABOUT DOCTORS. 
 
 Ix conversation with a leading physician in Lowell upon 
 the subject of this book, he remarked, " You may not find 
 many jokes originating with physicians ; though some of 
 them have played very severe jokes upon the people." 
 
 A gentleman in Massachusetts, distinguished for his sci- 
 entific and literary knowledge, and the ability to write well 
 in poetry and prose, bears the title of M.D., and is an emi- 
 nent medical professor. This gentleman is reported to have 
 said " that he never had but one patient, and he died ; and, 
 if all the medicine should be thrown into the sea, it would 
 be better for men, and worse for the fishes." 
 
 Sir Samuel Garth, a celebrated physician of Pope's 
 time, was full of jest and amiability. His practice was 
 large ; but his numerous patients prized his hon-mots more 
 than his prescriptions. His death was characteristic. The 
 presence of officious friends troubled him ; and, when he saw 
 his doctors consulting together, he rai.sed his head from his 
 pillow, and said with a smile, " Dear gentlemen, let me die 
 a natural death." After he had received extreme unction, 
 a friend approached him, and asked how ho did. "I am 
 going on my journey," was the answer: "they liavo greased 
 my boota already." "Writing a letter at a coffee-house, ho 
 
 186
 
 136 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 found himself overlooked by a curious Irishman. Garth 
 took no notice of the impertinence until he had finished 
 and signed the body of the letter ; when he added a post- 
 script of unquestionable legibility : " I would write jon more 
 
 by this post; but there's a tall, impudent Irishman look- 
 
 ijig over my shoulder all the time." — " What do you mean, 
 sir ? " roared the Irishman in great fury. " Do you think I 
 looked over your letter ? " — " Sir," replied the physician, 
 " I never once opened my lips to you." — " Ay ; but you put 
 it down, for all that." — "It is impossible, sir, that you should 
 know that; for you have never once looked over my let- 
 ter." 
 
 Dr. Garth loved wine to excess ; and his indulgence in 
 its use ripened and warmed his wit without making him 
 sluggish. At a favorite club of which he was a member, 
 he once remained to drink to a late hour. A companion 
 said to him, " Keally, Garth, you ought to quit the wine, 
 and hurry off to your patients." — " It is no great matter," 
 replied Garth, " whether I see them to-night or not : for nine 
 of them have such bad constitutions, that all the physicians 
 in the world can't save them ; and the other six have such 
 good constitutions, that all the physicians in the world can't 
 kill them." 
 
 Sir EiCHARD Jebb was a liberal eater, a high liver. He 
 believed the digestive organs were made to be used, not 
 nursed. The question frequently asked by his patients, 
 " What may I eat, doctor ? " was exceedingly annoying. On 
 one occasion, he give this answer: "My directions, sir, are 
 simple. You must not eat the poker, shovel, or tongs, for 
 they are hard of digestion ; nor the bellows, for it will pro- 
 duce wind in the stomach : but you may eat any thing else 
 you please." 
 
 An Irishman for whom Dr. Babington prescribed an
 
 ABOUT DOCTORS. 137 
 
 emetic said, " My dear doctor, it is of no use your giving 
 me an emetic : I tried one twice in Dublin, and it would 
 not stay on my stomach either time." 
 
 Dr. Jebb was dnce paid three guineas by a nobleman, 
 from whom he expected five. As they passed into his hand, 
 he dropped them on the carpet, picked them up, and con- 
 tinued to look for more. When asked by his lordship if 
 he could not find the guineas, he replied that he had 
 found three only, while tivo were missing. The noble- 
 man took the hint, and paid him two more guineas. 
 
 A wealthy tradesman, after drinking the Bath water, took 
 a fancy to try the effect of the Bristol hot wells. Armed with 
 a letter of introduction from a Bath physician to a profession- 
 al brother at Bristol, the invalid entered upon his journey. 
 On his \vay, he was prompted by curiosity to pry into the 
 letter he was bearing, and was rewarded by reading these 
 instructive words : " Dear sir, the bearer is a fat Wiltshire 
 clothier : make the most of him." 
 
 Dr. Gregory of Edinburgh was as remarkable for his 
 amiability and benevolence as for his learning. A poor 
 medical student, sick of typhus-fever, sent for him. The 
 visit was made ; and the invalid tendered the doctor the 
 ordinary guinea-fee. The doctor turned away, insulted aiid 
 angry. "I beg your pardon," exclaimed the student : "I 
 
 didn't know your rule. Dr. always takes a fee." 
 
 " Does he ? " said the doctor. " Well, my young friend, 
 follow my directions. Ask him to meet me in consultation, 
 and offer mo the fee first." The consultation took place, 
 and the fee was offered. " Sir," exclaimed the benevolent 
 doctor, "do you mean to insult me? Is there a professor iu 
 this university who would so far degra<lo himself }is to take 
 pay from one of his brotherhood and a junior?" The man
 
 138 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 for whom this proof was designed felt it, and, ere that day- 
 closed, restored to the sick student aU. the fees he had taken 
 of him. 
 
 Dr. Abeknetht had a very strong dislike to unnecessary- 
 talk on the part of his patients, and sometimes treated gar- 
 rulous persons with great rudeness. Persons acquainted 
 with his habits, desiring to consult him, took care not to 
 give offence by multiplying words. 
 
 A lady on one occasion entered his consulting-room, and 
 put before him an injured finger without saying a word. 
 Abernethy dressed the wound in silence ; and the lady placed 
 the ordinary fee upon his table, and retired without speak- 
 ing. In a few days she called again, and offered her finger 
 for inspection. 
 
 " Better ? " asked the surgeon. 
 
 " Better," answered the lady ; and nothing more was said. 
 At her last visit, the patient held out her finger, free from 
 bandages, and perfectly healed. 
 
 " Well ? " was the doctor's inquiry. 
 
 " Well," was the lady's equally brief reply. 
 
 " Upon my soul, madam," exclaimed the delighted sur- 
 geon, " you are the most rational woman I ever met with ! " 
 
 John P. Curran, personally unknown to Abernethy, 
 called upon the distinguished doctor eight times, and paid 
 him eight fees, saying nothing, and receiving the same 
 statement from him ; namely, " You have the most unclean 
 and abominable tongue in the world ; and you should drink 
 less, and stop abusing your stomach by gormandizing." 
 As he was about being dismissed the ninth time in the 
 same summary manner, the Irish orator said, " Mr. Aber- 
 nethy, I have been here on eight different days, and have 
 paid you eight different guineas ; and you never yet listened 
 to the symptoms of my complaint. I have resolved not to 
 leave this room until you hear my story." With a good-
 
 ABOUT DOCTORS. 139 
 
 natiircd laugh, Abernethy, half suspecting he had to deal 
 witJi a madman, fell back in his chair, and said, " Oh ! very 
 well, sir: I am ready to hear you out. Go on : give me the 
 whole, — your birth, parentage, and education. I wait your 
 pleasure. Pray be as minute and tedious as you can." 
 
 With perfect gravity, Curran began : " Sir, my name is 
 John Philpot Curran. My parents were poor, but, I believe, 
 honest people, of the province of Munster, where also I was 
 born, at Newmarket, in the county of Cork, in the year 1750. 
 My father, being employed to collect the rents of a Protestant 
 gentleman of small fortune in that neighborhood, procured 
 my admission into one of the Protestant free schools, where 
 I obtained the first rudiments of my education." In this 
 way he continued, giving his history, leaving out no particu- 
 lar lie could call to mind, till he threw his auditor into con- 
 vulsions of laughter. 
 
 A lady, taking his prescription, said to him, " I have 
 heard of your rudeness before I came, sir ; but I was not 
 prepared for such treatment. What am I to do with 
 this?" 
 
 "Any thing you like," the surgeon rouglily answered. 
 "Put it on the fire, if you please." Taking him at his 
 word, the lady put her fee on the table, and the prescription 
 on the fire, and, making a bow, left tlie room. Abernethy 
 followed her into the hall, and, apologizing, urged her to 
 take back the fee, or permit him to write her another pre- 
 scription ; but the injured lady would not consent to do 
 eithor. 
 
 Dr. Abernethy was sent for by an innkeeper who had a 
 quarrel with his wife, who had scarred his face with her 
 nails, so that the poor man was bleeding, and much distig- 
 ured. Abernethy tliought this an opportunity for admon- 
 ihhing the ofitMnler; and said to her, "Madam, are you not 
 ashamed to treat your husband thus, — the husband, who is 
 your head ? "
 
 140 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 "Well, doctor," fiercely replied the virago, "may I not 
 scratch my own head ? " 
 
 The doctor succeeded in silencing a loquacious lady by 
 the following expedient : — 
 
 "Put out your tongue, madam." The lady complied. 
 "Now keep it there till I've done talking.^' 
 
 An Irishman called upon a learned physician, and said, 
 " Plaze yer Honor, I'm a pore Irish laborer : but I can 
 spill a bit, and read o' yer Honor's mighty foine cure in 
 the midical journal, 'The Lancet;' and I've walked up 
 twelve moiles to have yer Honor cure me. My complaint 
 is " — The doctor told him he could not attend to his 
 case ; but the Irishman stating that he had " a bit o' gould, 
 notch t liss nor a tin-shillin' piece," he changed his mind, 
 and furnished a prescription. 
 
 A celebrated physician boasted at his dinner-table, around 
 which sat a company of his friends, that he cured his own 
 hams. One of his guests replied, " I should rather be your 
 ham than your patient." 
 
 A certain noted physician at Bath was complaining in a 
 coffee-house in that city that he had three fine daughters, 
 to whom he should give ten thousand pounds each ; and yet 
 he could find nobody to marry them. " With your lave, 
 doctor," said an Irishman present, stepping up, and making 
 a very respectful bow, " I'll take two of them." 
 
 A patient was told to take a quart of a liquid medicine, 
 but declined, saying " it was impossible ; for he only held 
 a pint." 
 
 A certain doctor told a poor laborer's wife to give her 
 sick husband, under the influence of a high fever, as much
 
 ABOUT DOCTORS. 141 
 
 water as he would drink, until he should call again. In 
 reply to this direction, the woman said, — 
 " How much water ought I to give him ? " 
 "Zounds, woman!" said he in a pet, "haven't I told 
 you to give him as much as he'll take ? Give him a couple 
 of pailfuls ! " 
 
 Wlien the doctor called again, the woman said, in answer 
 to his question, "How does your husband do?" "He's 
 been took away, yer Honor. We got down better nor a 
 pull an' a half, when he slipped out o' our hands. Ah ! 
 yer Honor, if we could but ha' got him to swaller the rest, 
 ho might still be alive ; but we did our best, doctor." 
 
 The old proverb says, " Every man is a physician or a 
 fool at forty." 
 
 Sir Harry Hulford, a distinguished physician, happening 
 to quote this old saw to a circle of friends, among whom 
 was Canning, the latter inquired, " Sir Harry, mayn't he 
 be both ? " 
 
 About the middle of the last century, a distinguished 
 physician. Lord Radno, had a great fondness for blood- 
 letting, and was especially deliglited in practising his art 
 ui>on distinguished men. Lord Chesterfield, wanting an 
 additional vote for a coming division in the House of Peers, 
 called on Lord Iladno, and, after a little introductory con- 
 versation, complained of headache. 
 
 " You ought to lose blood, then," said Lord Radno. 
 
 "Sir, do you indeed think so? Then, my dear lord, do 
 atld to the service of your advice by performing the openv- 
 tion. I know you are a most skilful surgeon." 
 
 Delighte<l with the compliment, Lord Radno opened a 
 vein in his friend's arm in the most ai)proved style. "While 
 the operation was being performed, the distinguished 
 patient a.skcd his surgeon if he was going down to the
 
 142 MlllTHFULNESS. 
 
 House that day. The noble operator replied that he had 
 not intended going, as he was not well informed upon the 
 subject to be discussed ; and added, " Have you considered 
 the subject, and decided on which side to vote ? " Lord 
 Chesterfield replied in the affirmative, and proceeded to 
 unfold his views in connection with compliments to Lord 
 Eadno ; and the latter promised to attend, and support the 
 wily earl's side of the division. Stating the case to some 
 political friends that evening, Lord Chesterfield said, " I 
 have shed my blood to-day for the good of my country."
 
 ABOUT LITERARY MEN.
 
 AEOUT UTERAHY MEN 
 
 Samuel Johxsox, LL.D., being asked by a young 
 nobleman what liad become of the gallantry and military 
 spirit of the old English nobilitj^, replied, " Why, my lord,. 
 I'll tell you what has become of it : it has gone into the city 
 to look after a fortune." 
 
 Speaking of a dull, tiresome fellow wliom he chanced to 
 meet, he said, " That fellow seems to possess but one idea, 
 and that is a wrong one." 
 
 Much inquiry having been made concerning a gentleman 
 who had quitted a company where Johnson was, and no 
 information being obtained, at last the doctor observed that 
 he did not care to speak ill of any man behind his back ; but 
 he believed the gentleman was an attorney. 
 
 A gentleman who had been very unhappy in marriage 
 married a second time, immediately after his lirst wife died. 
 Dr. Johnson said of him, " His conduct was the triumph of 
 hope over experience." 
 
 He did not approve of late marriages, observing that 
 more was lost in point of time than was compensated for by 
 any possible advantages. Even ill-assorted marriages, ho 
 thought, were preferable to cheerless celibacy. Ili' said 
 that th<! man who refused to marry because of the inconve- 
 niences incident to married lif<; was like the wiseacre who 
 cut oflf his leg to avoid the annoyance of corns on his toes. 
 10 146
 
 146 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 Au impudent fellow from Scotland was described to him, 
 who affected to be a savage, and who railed at all established 
 customs. Dr. Johnson said, '' There is nothing surprising 
 in this. He wants to make himself conspicuous. He would 
 tumble into a hog-sty, as long as you looked at him and 
 called to him to come out. But let him alone, never mind 
 him, and he'll soon give it ov^er." 
 
 He was told that the same person maintained that there 
 was no distinction between virtue and vice. To this he re- 
 plied, " If the fellow does not think as he speaks, he is lying; 
 and I see not. what honor he can propose to himself from 
 having the character of a liar. But if he does really think 
 there is no distinction between virtue and vice, why, sir, 
 when he leaves our houses, let us count our spoons." 
 
 Dr. Johnson used to say, " I never take a nap after din- 
 ner but when I have had a bad night ; and then the nap 
 
 takes me." 
 
 Another of his sayings was, " There is now less flogging 
 in our schools than formerly : but then less is learned there ; 
 so that, what the boys get at one end, they lose at the other." 
 
 Speaking against the practice of trying to make young 
 children precocious, the doctor said, " Too much is expected 
 from precocity, and too little is performed. 
 
 " Miss Letitia Aikin " (this young lady married an obscure 
 clergyman, and published " Early Lessons for Children ") 
 ''was an instance of early cultivation; but in what did it ter- 
 minate? In marrying a little Presbyterian minister, who 
 keeps an infant boarding-school : so that all her employment 
 now is ' to suckle fools, and chronicle small beer.' She tells 
 the children, ' This is a cat, and that is a dog, with four legs 
 and a tail. See there \ you are much better than a cat or a 
 doo- • for you cai: speak.' If I had bestowed such an educa- 
 tion on a daughter, and discovered that she thought of mar- 
 rying such a fellow, I would have sent her to the Congress.'^ 
 
 Of a lady, more insipid than offensive, Dr. Johnson once 
 
 tc-
 
 ABOUT LITEKARY MEN. 147 
 
 said, ''She has some softness indeed ; but so has a pillow." 
 Again he said, '* For my part, I do not envy a fellow one 
 of those honeysuckle wives ; as they are but creepers at 
 best, and commonly destroy the tree they so tenderly cling 
 about." 
 
 A lady he thought well of was disordered in health. 
 " 'Wluit help has she called in ? " inquired Johnson. 
 
 '• Dr. James," was the reply. 
 
 " What is her disease ? " 
 
 "Oh ! nothing positive; rather a gradual, gentle decline." 
 
 " She will die then, pretty dear ! " answered he. " When 
 Death's pale horse runs away with a person on full speed, an 
 active physician may possibly give him a turn; but if he 
 carries him on an even, slow pace, down hill too, no care 
 nor skill can save him." 
 
 A gentleman who introduced his brother to Dr. Johnson 
 was desirous of recommending him to his notice ; which ho 
 di«l by saying, " When we have sat together some time, 
 you'll find uiy brother growing very interesting." 
 
 " Sir," said Johnson, " I can wait." 
 
 Charles Lamb to Wordsworth. 
 Dkar Wordsworth, — Thanks for the books you have 
 given me, and for all the books you mean to give me. I 
 will bind up the Political Sonnets and Ode according to 
 your suggestion. I have not bound the poems yet. I wait 
 till people have done borrowing thorn. I think I shall got 
 a chain, and chain them to my. shelves, and poojdo may 
 come and read them at chain'.s-length. Of those who bor- 
 row, some read slow; some mean to read, but don't; ami 
 some neither read nor mean to read, but borrow to give you 
 an opinion of tlieir sagacity. I must do my money-borrow- 
 ing friends the justice to say, that there is notliiiig of tliis 
 raprici! or wantonness or alienution in them. When tliey 
 borrow my money, they never (ail to make use of it.
 
 148 MIllTIIFULNESS. 
 
 The regular routine of clerkly business ill suited the lite- 
 rary tastes and wayward habits of Lamb. Once, at the 
 India House, a superior said to him, " I have remarked, Mr. 
 Lamb, that you come very late to the office." 
 
 " Yes, sir," replied the wit ; " but you must remember that 
 I go away early." 
 
 JoHif G. Saxe, being asked by a friend who met him on 
 Broadway, New York, where he was bound, replied, " To 
 Boston this afternoon, Deo volente." 
 
 " What route is that ? " asked the inquirer. 
 
 " By way of Providence, of course," was the poet's prompt 
 reply. 
 
 It is told of Charles Lamb, that one afternoon, having 
 taken a seat in a crowded stage-coach, a stout gentleman 
 looked in, and politely asked, " All full inside ? " 
 
 " I don't know how it may be with the other passengers," 
 answered Lamb ; " but that last piece of oyster-pie did the 
 business for me." 
 
 A good story is told of Dr. 0. W. Holmes, who, having 
 been called upon and considerably bored by a man who had 
 devoted himself to public lecturing in New England, with- 
 out much ability for doing so, inquired of him, " What are 
 you about at this particular time ? " 
 
 The answer was, " Lecturing, as usual. I hold forth this 
 evening at Koxbury." 
 
 The professor, clapping his hands, exclaimed, " I'm glad 
 of it ! I never liked those Eoxbury people." 
 
 A gentleman entered the room of Dr. Barton, Warden 
 of Morton College, and told him that Dr. Vowel was dead. 
 
 " What ! " said he, " Dr. Vowel dead ! Thank Heaven it 
 was neither U nor J."
 
 ABOUT LITERARY MEN. 149 
 
 "Wetherel, the Master of University College, went to 
 Dr. Lee, theu sick in bed, and said, " So Dr. Everleigh lias 
 been egged on to matrimony." 
 
 " Has he ?." said he. " Well, then, I hope the yoke will 
 sit easy." 
 
 A lady who went to consult Dr. Abernethy, who was .a 
 scholar as well as a physician, began a description of her 
 complaint thus : " Whenever I lift my arm, it pains me ex- 
 ceedingly." 
 
 " Why, then, madam," said the doctor, " you are a great 
 fool f'jr lifting it." 
 
 'O 
 
 Hexry Erskixe, happening to be retained for a client 
 by the name of Tickle, began his speech, in opening the 
 case, thus : " Tickle, my client, the defendant, my lord," 
 and, upon proceeding thus far, was interrupted by laughter 
 in court, which was greatly increased when the judge. Lord 
 Kames, exclaimed, ^^ Tickle him yourself, Harry: you are 
 as able to do it as I am." 
 
 Charles Lamb said the first water-cure was the flood, 
 and it killed more than it cured. 
 
 After being ten times dunned for a small sum of money, 
 a very slack literary man paid it, saying to the servant who 
 received the same, " Wliy did your employer send m« ten 
 dunning letters for such a trifle?" 
 
 The reply was, " I am not authorized to say ; but I give it 
 as my candid opinion, that ho sent the whole number be- 
 cause nine did not secure the payment." 
 
 Whf;n Gov. W. had ailininistcnvl tlio oath of oflico to 
 the njcmberi of tlie Knoiv-NutlinKj House of lleprcsunta- 
 tives, he addressed them thus: '' Vou arc now, gentlemen,
 
 150 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 ([mdified to transact legislative business, so far as the oath 
 is concerned." 
 
 Lord Eld ox lent two large volumes of " Precedents " to 
 a friend, and could not remember to whom. In alluding to 
 such borrowers, he observed, " that, though backward in 
 accounting, they seemed to be practised in hook-keeping.^^ 
 
 A poor literary man, being about to marry a rich heiress, 
 was asked how long he thought the honey-moon would last ? 
 He replied, " Don't tell me of the honeg-moon : it is har- 
 vest-moon with me." 
 
 Theodore Hook was delighting a party at his cottage 
 at Eulham by an extempore comic song ; when, in the mid- 
 dle of it, his servant entered with, " Please, sir, here's Mr. 
 Winter, the tax-gatherer : he says he has called for taxes." 
 Hook would not be interrupted, but went on at the piano- 
 forte, as if nothing had happened, with the following stan- 
 za: — 
 
 " Here comes Mr. Winter, collector of taxes. 
 I advise you to pay him -whatever he axes : 
 Excuses won't do; he stands no sort of flummery; 
 Though Winter his name is, his presence is summary." 
 
 A friend of Hook, speaking to him of a pair of twins 
 who strongly resembled each other, said, " They are as much 
 alike^as two peas." 
 
 " Yes," replied Hook, " and quite as green.'.' 
 
 A clerical principal of an Episcopal boarding-school for 
 boys called his pupils together at the beginning of Lent, 
 and gave them a sbort lecture upon self-denial and self-sacri- 
 fice, and advised them to select some article of food with 
 which they would dispense during the season of Lent. The 
 boys were directed to go into a room by themselves, and,
 
 HUMOROUS EXTllACTS. 351 
 
 after deciding what luxury they would give up, to return to 
 the chapel, and report their decision. The boys retired, and 
 soon returned and made the following report through their 
 chairman : — 
 
 " Respected Principal, — I have the honor to report that 
 your pupils have religiously considered the subject submitted 
 to them by your reverence, and have unanimously voted to 
 dispense with hash during Lent." 
 
 A student at college included in the list of his expenses 
 which he sent to his father the item, " Charity, thirty dol- 
 lars." The father remarked in his reply, " I fear that 
 charity covers a multitude of siiis." 
 
 Humorous Extracts from the History of New 
 BosTOX, N.H. — The following extracts are from the 
 speeches and letters uttered and read at the centennial 
 celebration of the above-named town, which occurred July 
 4, 18C3. From the address of J. W. Fairfield, Esq., a 
 native of the town : — 
 
 " We all know that the early settlers of this country 
 were a peculiar people ; and none were more so than the 
 Scotch immigrants who found their homes in this town and 
 county. They were I'resbyterian^ of the original Covenant- 
 er type, but greatly modified and improved by two trans- 
 plantings, — first from Scotland to Ireland, and then to the 
 forests of the New World. There is no race more tenacious 
 of their original elements of character than the Scotch ; 
 and through all their persecutions, (changes, removals, and 
 improvcmonts, they retained their recollection of wrongs, 
 and cherished their likes and dislikes, as an inheritance 
 never to be broken or alienated. The Turitan was one of 
 their rli«,like9. Our Presbyterians, on arriving at their 
 new homes, found themselves surrounded by the I'uritans, 
 — a people equally as fond of liberty, and rigid in their
 
 152 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 notions as themselves : still they disliked them, and there 
 was rank jealousy between them. The Independents, 
 under Cromwell, had crushed the fond hopes of supremacy 
 which the Presbyterians had nearly attained in England ; 
 and it was a work of time to re-establish a feeling of trust 
 and confidence. This jealousy manifested itself in the set- 
 tlement of this town. The earliest tradition that I remem- 
 ber of this people had relation to this. The Scotch would 
 at first suffer no intermarrying with the Puritans ; and, if 
 their daughters were as fair and beautiful then as when I 
 first knew them, no wonderthat the Puritan young men 
 felt themselves shut out of Paradise. Be that as it may, 
 the. tradition is that it was no uncommon thing for the 
 Scotchman to find at his door a ragged peddler, mounted 
 upon some miserable nag, with saddle-bags filled with pota- 
 toes on one side, and a huge jug of buttermilk on the other, 
 and crying his wares with affected blarney : ' Buttermilk 
 and peraties, buttermilk and peraties ! Paddy, will you 
 buy ? ' If the peddler got off with an unbroken head, of 
 course he was a lucky fellow, and continued his insulting 
 raid. This was retaliated, of course ; and the Puritan would 
 be called up at all hours of the night, and called out at all 
 hours in the day, by a sorry peddler crying through his nose, 
 in true Eoundhead style, ' Pumpkins and molasses, pump- 
 kins and molasses ! Barebones, will you buy ? ' Hence 
 the names of ' Paddy ' and ' Pumpkins ' became common 
 in their mutual salutations. But these animosities soon 
 died out ; and the Puritan settlers became Presbyterians, 
 and Presbyterians made pumpkin-Tpies. The history states 
 that the first meeting-house in the town was never fur- 
 nished with the means of warming, and that the only fire 
 it ever contained was carried into it in the foot-stoves used 
 by the women." This remark would apply to all meeting- 
 houses in New England until some time during the sec- 
 ond decade of the present century, when, in the language
 
 HUMOROUS EXTRACTS. 153 
 
 of Dr. Lyman Beecher, ." the people came to the conclusion 
 that freezing was not a means of grace," and introduced 
 stoves into their places of worship. 
 
 In New Boston, the male members of the congregation 
 used to spend sabbath noons at the tavern of Capt. John 
 McLaughlin, where some of them lingered longer than 
 the proprieties of the sanctuary justified, coming late into 
 the afternoon meeting with countenances flushed by the 
 lifpior they had drunken. The old minister, good Mr. 
 ^loor, used to complain that his people " could spend two 
 hours easier at John McLaughlin's than one under his 
 preaching." 
 
 A gentleman from an adjoining town attended meeting 
 in Xew Boston one sabbath, and was invited by a citizen to 
 spend tlie intermission at the above-named tavern, where 
 he was treated to all the liquor he chose to drink. As he 
 was walking back to church with his friend, the latter said 
 to him, "Friend Senter, I like this practice of taking a 
 coujjle of drinks or so sabbath noon ; for I can seem to see 
 two ministers in the pulpit during the whole of the second 
 service." 
 
 The following is an extract from the address of Perley 
 D<il)GE, Esq. :^' In 1772, when Hillsborough County was 
 organized, there was no member of the legal profession 
 between Amherst and Claremont. The first lawyer who 
 attempted to establish himself in practice above Amherst 
 was Samuel Bell, afterwards judge, governor of the State, 
 aiirl senator in Congress. lie opened an office in Frances- 
 town ; but the people were greatly exasperated at his auda- 
 city, pronounced him an invader upon their rights, and. 
 tlireatened liim with Violence. But his manly deportment 
 and strict adherence to justice soon overcame their preju- 
 dice and won their confidence. New Boston lias never 
 been an inviting field for the legal profession. Once on 
 a time, I opened an office here, but soon found, that, if
 
 154 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 there was bread to spare in any other region, it was not wise 
 for me to remain and famish. No one else has had equal 
 daring." 
 
 Extract from the address of Dr. James H. Crombie. 
 Speaking of Dr. Thornton, who practised medicine for a 
 time, and was one of the signers of the Declaration of In- 
 dependence, Dr. Crombie said, "Dr. Thornton had great 
 native wit, and loved a joke. Riding past an old man 
 whose occupation was the making of grave-stones, he said, 
 ' Well, Wyatt, do you not sometimes pray that people would 
 die faster, that your business might increase ? ' 
 
 " The old man calmly replied, ' I cannot say but I have 
 done a thing of the kind in my life : but there is no need of 
 doing it any longer ; for there is a fop of a thing by the 
 name of Thornton come to town, and he will kill off two 
 while I can make grave-stones for one.' " 
 
 The doctor did not prolong the conversation. 
 
 Dr. Jonathan Gove came here about the year 1780. 
 He was an excellent physician, and highly esteemed. He 
 was a nervous, energetic man, fond of fun, and enjoyed a 
 joke. He was riding on the sabbath, when the sabbath 
 law was in operation, on business not conneci!fed with his pro- 
 fession ; and was stopped by a tything-man, a^d asked where 
 he was riding on the sabbath. 
 
 His reply was, " Sir, I am a doctor, and that man is after 
 me ! " referring to a man who happened to be riding behind 
 him! The result was, both went on unmolested. 
 
 Under the head of " Casualties, Suicides," &c., we find 
 the following: Tradition says, that, in the early settle- 
 ment of the town, an erratic, visionary sort of a man was 
 found dead in so small af pool of water, that foul play or 
 suicide was suspected. 
 
 A jury was called, on which was a broad-spoken son of 
 Erin, who acted as chairman, and, when inquired of by the 
 justice for the result of their investigation, replied, " Your
 
 HUMOROUS EXTRACTS. IdO 
 
 Honor, we brought in a verdict of felonious wilful mur- 
 ther, but, just to soften it ilown a little, we ca'd it accidental.^' 
 
 Capt. John McLaughlin was found drowned in a 
 well in his field. The late Luther lliohards was on the 
 jury of inquest, who, in speaking of tlie result of the in- 
 vestigation, said, " As we could not say, as no one saw him, 
 that he came by his death intentionally, we thought it 
 would be most in harmony with the feelings of the com- 
 munity to say accidental ; and that was our verdict." 
 
 The wife of Capt. Grey was found hanging by the neck, 
 dead, on the night of the day on which Eev. Mr. Moor 
 was installed. Grey had been a sea-captain ; and foul play 
 was suspected, as the knot in the rope around her neck was 
 a genuine sailor-knot. When asked why he did not cut her 
 down when he first found her, he replied, that "he put his 
 liand to her mouth, and her breath was cold : so he knew 
 she was dead." 
 
 The following is from a very interesting letter addressed to 
 the committee by Dr. Samuel Gregg, a native of the town: — 
 
 "When I was a medical student, I was much in the 
 office of Dr. James Crombie, at Francestown, where he 
 used to detain me sometimes long in relating stories and 
 anecdote.s, for which he was an adept. 1 have thought that he 
 sometimes benefited his patients «juite as much by his story- 
 tflling as he did by his medicine. He also loved a repartee 
 as WL'll as he di<l to tell a story. I distinctly recollect hear- 
 ing the doctor tell a story of a good old lady (who was 
 desirous of doing all the good she could) who asked the 
 doctor if he knew what a grand physic oil-nut baric was. 
 "No," said the doctor: "is it? 1 low do you take it?" 
 " Why, dwU>r, just take some of the bark, and steej) it, and 
 drink it : it makes one of the grandest physics in the world. 
 J Jut, d.K-tor," Kai<l she, " when you scrape the bark, you must 
 always bo careful to scrape it down; for, if you scrape it up, 
 it will puko you dreadfully:' — " Well," said the doctor,
 
 lo3 MIRTHFtJLNESS. 
 
 " what will it do if you scrape round ? " — " It will go round 
 and round in a fellow's abdomen, and neither go up nor 
 down ; won't it ? " , 
 
 Dr. T. H. Cochran, a native of the town, in response to 
 the sentiment," " And the rest of the acts of the fathers, 
 behold, they are written in the Book of the Chronicles," 
 read an introduction, followed by eighteen chapters of ex- 
 ceedingly interesting chronicles. I give the introduction 
 and large portions of tw^ chapters. 
 
 " 31): President, — 
 
 1. Forasmuch as many have taken in hand to set fortli 
 in order a declaration concerning the manner of the dis- 
 covery and early settlement of this goodly heritage, whose 
 boundaries are the Eastern and Western seas, and also the 
 acts of the early fathers, 
 
 2. I thought it good to me also, having sat at the feet of 
 elders and old men and ancient maidens, and learned by 
 word of mouth many ancient traditions ; 
 
 3. And also having a perfect knowledge of many things 
 that have never been before written ; 
 
 4. And furthermore, having been an eye-witness of many 
 things that have come to pass in these latter days, — to 
 set forth in order unto your most excellent friends, 
 
 5. That you likewise might know and understand the same. 
 
 6. Kow, therefore, declare I them unto you ; and not unto 
 you only do I declare them, 
 
 7. But to the effect that generations yet unborn may also 
 read and know of the acts of their fathers. 
 
 CnAPTEK VII. 
 
 Building of the First Temple. — Calling of Solomon. 
 
 1. Now, after these things, the chief people and elders 
 assembled themselves together the second time, and said 
 one to another.
 
 HUMOROUS EXTRACTS. 157 
 
 2. "Foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have 
 nests ; but we have not where to worsliip God on the sab- 
 bath day." 
 
 3. Xow they took counsel together, and builded a sanctu- 
 ary on ^Mount Ephraim, on the north side thereof, near Cavo 
 Machpelah. 
 
 4. The length thereof was one score and ten cubits, and 
 the breadth thereof was one score and five cubits, and the 
 height thereof twelve cubits. 
 
 5. On the south side was the gate, or main entrance to 
 the lower or inner court of the sanctuary ; and on the east, 
 south, and west sides of the inner walls was an upper court, 
 wliich is, by interpretation, a " gallery." 
 
 G. On the south of the upper court sat those who sang 
 songs and played the harp ; and on the east and west sides 
 sat rebellious lads and " contrabands ; " 
 
 7. "While on the lower court sat the elders and assembled 
 wisdom of Israel. 
 
 8. Now there were on the east and west ends of the 
 sanctuary, porches, or outer courts, with side-entrances 
 lo the lower court, and winding stairs to the upper 
 
 court. 
 
 'J. Now, opposite the south gate, on the north side, against 
 the wall of the inner court, was the altar, whose height 
 wa.s three cubits and a span; and above the altar was there 
 projecting from the wall, after the similitude of the "shell 
 of the tortoise," which is, by interpretation, a " sounding- 
 board," that tlje truths spoken at .the altar might not as- 
 cend and be lost among the rafters, but descend and find 
 lodgement in the hearts of the hearers. 
 
 12. Now, they called Solomon from the Isle of Scotia, 
 beyond the sea; a devout man, of much wisdom and learn- 
 ing, and of talents not a few. 
 
 l.'i. And Solomon was anointed to walk in and out of the 
 temple before this people, and he did ho ; and his oflerings
 
 158 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 were acceptable unto the Lord, and multitudes turned from 
 the error of their ways under his teachings. 
 
 14. And the temple was called the "Temple of Solo- 
 mon." 
 
 15. Tradition says of Solomon, whose surname was Moor, 
 that he was of large stature, and his countenance beamed 
 with intelligence and good humor, 
 
 16. And was known for his many proverbs and sayings, 
 that abounded in wit and sarcasm ; and was withal a good 
 horseman, and sat upon his horse after the similitude of 
 one that commandeth an army. Now, there was a man of 
 much note in the land, whose surname was McLaughlin, 
 who kept an inn on the hill-side, above the sanctuary ; and 
 many of the hearers of Solomon assembled there at noon- 
 tide on the sabbath day, and regaled themselves with new 
 wine and strong drink. 
 
 18.' Now, on the altar, on the right hand of Solomon, stood 
 
 a monitor — which is, by interpretation, an "hour-glass" — ■ 
 
 to admonish the congregation of the distich in the primer 
 
 that, 
 
 "As runs the glass, 
 Man's life doth pass." 
 
 19. And Solomon preached by the hour. 
 
 20. Now, on the morrow after the sabbath, a certain man 
 reproached Solomon in this wise: — 
 
 21. " Thou didst weary us yesterday with thy much 
 speaking, and the hour dragged heavily upon us." 
 
 22. Whereupon Solomon replied, and made the ears of 
 him to whom he spake to tingle, " What have I to do with 
 thee, thou wicked and perverse son of Belial? for thou wilt 
 take two glasses from Mac with an easy grace, and canna' 
 take one glass from me without grumbling." 
 
 23. Now, all the days of the ministration of Solomon 
 among this people were one score and seventeen years; 
 and he died, and was buried in the cave upon the hill-side ■
 
 HUMOROUS EXTRACTS. 159 
 
 and a liorizontiil slab, supported at its four corners, with in- 
 scription thereon, showeth his history unto this day. 
 
 Chapter XIII. 
 
 Coinhtff of John the P/iyalcian. — Marriage Proclamation. — Death of 
 
 John. 
 
 1. Now, there came a man of fair exterior, of good report, 
 and of knowledge and understanding; and his manner and 
 speech were pleasing unto the people. And his name was 
 John; and he healed the people of their infirmities many 
 years. 
 
 2. Now, John was, withal, a good penman, and was chosen 
 many years the people's scribe, to chronicle the votes and 
 laws of the town. 
 
 3. Now, it was so, that the sons and daughters of Israel 
 were many. 
 
 4. And the daughters were comely and fair, even fairer 
 than the last daughters of Job ; and they were skilled in 
 the use of the needle, and management of the dairy. 
 
 5. Now, as it was in the days of Noah, so it was in 
 these latter days, they were "married and given in mar- 
 riage." 
 
 G. Now, it was the custom, that, when a young man was 
 betrothed to a maiden, he gave the chief scribe money, even 
 five dimes, to proclaim it three times at the festivals and 
 public gatherings of the people. 
 
 7. Now, John the scribe, as was his custom, sat with those 
 v.ho sang and played the harp in the temple of the Lord on 
 the sabbath day. 
 
 8. Now, when Ephraim the priest had done exhorting 
 the people, and the singers had sung, John stood up in his 
 place, and prwlaimed in a loud voice in this wise, and all 
 the congregation gave heed : — 
 
 0. " Marriage is intendo<l between Major Jesse Obadiah 
 and Miss Frances Matilda Zachariah.
 
 160 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 10. "Also between Capt. Jacob Hezekiah and Miss 
 Maria Antoinette Zephaniah ; all of this town. 
 
 11. " Also between Col. Elias Tobias of Joppa, and Miss 
 Hannah Annis Mordecbiar of this town." 
 
 12. Thus did John proclaim them, that their parents and 
 friends might show cause, if any they had, why it should 
 not come to pass, or forever hold their peace. 
 
 13. Now, John* whose surname was Dalton, fell sick and 
 died ; and a large multitude gathered at his burial. 
 
 14. And the body of John was borne to the tomb by men 
 wearing white aprons and gloves ; and they lamented the 
 death of John, *nd threw sprigs of evergreen upon the 
 coffin in the grave. 
 
 JOSH BILLINGS. 
 Specimen of his wise and humorous Sayings. 
 
 I hold that a man has just as mutch rite tew spel a word 
 as it is pronounced as he has tew pronounce it the way it 
 an't spelt. 
 
 If you would make yourself agreeable wherever you go, 
 listen tew the grievances of others, but never relate your 
 own. 
 
 Giv me liberty, or giv me deth ; but, of the 2, 1 prefer the 
 li]?erty. 
 
 " Early impreshuns are the most lasting ; " the fust kiss 
 and the fust whippin' cum under this hed. 
 
 " Man was created a little lower than the angels ; " and 
 it is lucky for the said angels that he was. 
 
 "The luxury of grief:" this, i take it, means tew hav 
 youre old unkle die and leave yu nine thousand dollars, 
 and yu cry. 
 
 I don't kare how mutch a man talks, if he only says it in 
 few words. 
 
 We are awl willing to pay more for being amused than 
 instrukted.
 
 JOSH BILLINGS. 161 
 
 It is a good plan tu kno menny people, but tu let only a 
 few kno yu. 
 
 Zeal is a good deal like lead : when it is bilin hot, yu can 
 run it into any kind ov shape you want tew ; but when it is 
 cuKl, it is as heavy as any thing i kno of. Zeal often makes 
 a man more ridiklus than folly duz. In fakt, zeal and folly 
 were twins ; only zeal was born a little fust : he couldn't 
 wait, ov course, till his time cum. 
 
 It is really worth more tew the world tew hav a good-na- 
 tured man born into it, and go into the good-natured biss- 
 ness, than to hav a poeck born, and go into the poeckry 
 bissness. Good-natured men work up into fathers, hus- 
 bands, and brothers, fust-rate, and without enny waste : they 
 make good fellow-citizens, and everyboddy feels as if they 
 had some stock in them : they are as safe and as pleasant as 
 root-beer. The good-natured man an't alwus a statesman, 
 nor an't alwus just the man for sekretary of the treasur}''; 
 but tew grease the griddle ov every-day life, tew soften the 
 furious, tew raise the despondent, and tew indorse sixty-day 
 paper, he weighs at least a tun. I had rather be a good- 
 natured man than tew hav a seat in the New- York Legis- 
 lature : thare may not be as mutch money in it ; but thare is 
 twice the means of grace. 
 
 Men don't seem never tew get tired ov talking about 
 themselfs; but i hav heard them when i thought they showed 
 signs of weakness. 
 
 JJuty is like a ranebow, — full ov promis, but short-lived. 
 
 I hav got a fust-rate recollekshun, but a poor memory. I 
 can recollekt distinctly ov losing a 10-Dollar-bill once, but 
 can't remember whare, tew save mi life. 
 
 Tharo iz only 3 things that belong tew other folks that i 
 ever envy; and them iz virtew, flesh, and understanding. I 
 Ruppo.se it iz possibel for a man tew manufakter his own 
 virtew, and improve his stock ov understanding; but he 
 kaut kuvcr lus long, lean bod Jy ov bones with a soft, [>iilpy 
 11
 
 162 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 cushion or flesh that is fun to sit down on. I kant tell what 
 makes one man so phatt, and the next one so like an empty- 
 stocking, or a manikin in a narrow bolster ; unless it is that 
 phatt souls are like a mountain-spring^ fed from within, 
 until they kant hold no more, and run over the brim tew 
 make others happy. Did you ever know a phatt man tew 
 commit sewicide ? i guess you never did : they luv gravy 
 tew well for that. 
 
 When Shaikspear wanted sum pizen, he sought out, you 
 remember, a lean apothekary, who kept a grocery of. beg- 
 garly boxes. Did you ever hear ov a phatt man being 
 hung ? I guess not. They sometimes destroy plum-pud- 
 din' and biled ox ; but they never murder any thing that 
 ain't good tew eat. I never knu but one phatt skoolmaster, 
 and he wa'n't good for enny thing, only tew slide down hill 
 with the boys. This satisfize me that phatt is only another 
 name for virtew. 
 
 Man is the only thing created with power tew laif : birds 
 and flowers can almost dew it, and dogs would like tew. 
 Lafiing keeps oph sickness, and has conquered az menny 
 diseases az ever pills hav, and at mutch less expense. It 
 makes flesh, and keeps it in its place. . . . It iz the light 
 ov life : without it, we should be but animated ghosts. It 
 challenges fear, hides sorrow, weakens despair, and car- 
 ries half ov poverty's bundles. It costs nothing, comes at 
 the call, and leaves a brite spot behind. ... It is the fust 
 and the last sunshine that visits the heart : it was the warm 
 welkum ov Eden's lovers ; aad was the only capital that sin 
 left them tew begin bizziness with, outside the Garden of 
 Paradise. 
 
 Neatness, in my opinyun, iz one ov the virtews. I hev 
 alwuz konsidered it twin-sister to Chastity. But, while I 
 almost worship neatness in folks, i hav seen them who did 
 understand the bizziness so well az tew acktually make it 
 fearful tew behold. I hav seen neatness that wa'n't satis-
 
 JOSH BILLINGS. 1G3 
 
 fied with bein' a common-sized virtew, but had bekura an 
 ungovernable pashun, enslaving its possessor, and making 
 everyboddy uneasy who kum in kontackt with it. When a 
 person finds it necessary to skour the nail-lieds in the celler- 
 titairs every day, and skrub oph the ducks' feet in hot water, 
 it iz then that neatness haz bekum the tyrant of itz vik- 
 tim. . . . Thare is no persons in the world who work so 
 koustantly az the viktims ov extatick neatness : but they 
 don't seem tew do mutch, after all ; for they don't get a 
 thing fairly cleaned to their mind, before the other end ov 
 it gets dirty, and they fall tew sckrubbing awl over agin. 
 In my honest ojjiuyun, whiskee iz seckuud only tew origi- 
 nal sin : it iz the mill-stun hung upon the neck of poor 
 human nature. . . . But, since whiskee haz got into this 
 world, i don't think it kan be got out enny more than the 
 small-pox kan : but it kan be made komparatively harm- 
 less in the same way, and only in the same way; and that 
 is by konstant vaccination. I hav finally kum tew the kon- 
 clusion that lagcr-heer iz not intoxikatin'. I hev been told 
 so by a German, who sed he had drank it all nite long, just 
 tew tri the experiment, and waz obliged tew go home en- 
 tirely sober in the morning. I hav seen this same man 
 drink sixteen glasses ; and, if he waz drunk, he was drunk 
 in German, and no one could understand it. 
 
 It iz proper eimlT to state, that this man kept a higer-becr 
 saloon, and could hev had no object in stating what wa'n't 
 stricktly thus. I believed him tew the full extent ov mi 
 ability. I never drank but three glasses of lager-beer in mi 
 life, and that made mi hed untwi«t as tho' it waz hung on 
 the end ov a string ; but i was told that it waz owing tew 
 mi bib* being out of place. And i guess it waz so; fori 
 nevi-r bil(Ml ov«'r wuss than i did when i got home that nite. 
 
 Mi wife waz afra4le i waz agoing tew die ; and i waz 
 almostc afnwle i shouliln't : for it did seem az if every thing 
 i had ever eaten in my life waz coming tew the surface ;
 
 164 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 and i do really believe, if mi wife hadn't pulled oph mi boots 
 just as she did, they would hav kum up tew. 
 
 Oh, how sick i waz ! It waz fourteen years ago, and I can 
 taste it now. I never had so much experience in so short a 
 time. If enny man should tell me that beer was not intoxi- 
 kating, I should beleave him ; but, if he should tell me that 
 i wa'n't drunk that nite, but that mi stummuk was only out 
 ov order, i should ask him to state over in few words just how 
 a man felt and akted when he waz well set up. If i wa'n't 
 drunk that nite, i had some ov the moste natural simp- 
 toms a man ever had, and keep sober. In the fast place, it 
 waz about eighty rods from whare I drank the lager tew my 
 house ; and I waz over 2 hours on the road, and had a 
 hole busted thru each one of my pantaloon-kneeze, and 
 didn't hav enny hat, and tried tew open the door by the 
 bell-pull, and hickupped awfully, and saw every thing in the 
 room tryin' tew get round ov me. And, in settin' down onto 
 a chair, i didn't ivait quite long enuff for it tew get exactly 
 under me, when it waz going round ; and i sett down a little 
 tew soon, and missed the chair by about twelve inches, and 
 couldn't git up quick enuff tew take the next one when it 
 kum. And that ain't awl : my wife sed i waz az drunk az a 
 beast ; and, az i sed before, i began to spit up things freely. 
 If lager-beer is not intoxikating, it used me awful mean, 
 that i kno. Still, I hardly think lager iz intoxikating ; for 
 i have been told so ; and i am probably the only man liv- 
 ing who ever drank enny when his bile want plumb. I 
 don't want tew say enny thing against a harmless temper- 
 ance beverage ; but, if i ever drink enny more, it will be 
 with mi hands tied behind me, and mi mouth pried open. 
 
 EXTKACTS FROM ARTEMAS WARD's POPULAR LECTURE. 
 
 "I like art. I admire dramatic art, although I failed as 
 an actor. It was in my schoolboy-days that I failed as an
 
 ARTEMAS WARD. 165 
 
 actor. The play was the 'Euins of Pompeii.' I played 
 the Ruins. It was not a very successful performance ; but 
 it was better than the ' Burning Mountain.' He was not 
 good. He was a bad Vesuvius. The remembrance often 
 makes me ask, ' "Where are the boys of my youth ? ' I as- 
 sure you, this is not a conundrum. Some are amongst you 
 here, some in America, some are in jail. Hence arises 
 a most touching question : * Where are the girls of my 
 youth ? ' • Some are married ; some would like to be. 
 my Maria ! Alas ! she married another : they frequently do. 
 I hope she is happy; because I am. Some people are not 
 happy : I have noticed that. 
 
 " My orchestra is small ; but I am sure it is very good, so 
 far as it goes. I give my pianist ten pounds a night and 
 liis washing. 
 
 " I like music. I can't sing. As a singist, I am not a 
 success. I am saddest when I sing: so are those who hear 
 me : they are sadder even than I am. The otlier niglit, 
 some silver-voiced young man came under my window, and 
 sang, ' Come where my love lies dreaming.' I didn't go : 
 I didn't think it would be correct." 
 
 Artemas said he had heard of persons being ruined by 
 large fortunes. He thought, if ruin must befall him, he 
 should choose to have it come in this form. He even said 
 plainly, '• I want to be ruined ])y a large fortune." 
 
 Artemas said that lirigham Young was the most married 
 man he ever saw in his life. " I saw," said he, " his motlier- 
 in-law, while I was there. I can't exactly tell you how many 
 there is of her; but it's a good deal. It strikes me that one 
 mother-in-law is about enough to have in ji family, unless 
 you're very fond of excitement. Some of these ^lormons 
 have terrific families.^ I lectured one night, by invitation, 
 in the Mormon village of I'rovo.st ; but, during the day, 1 
 rashly gave a leading Mormon an order admitting himself 
 and family. It was before I knew he was much married;
 
 166 MIllTHFULNESS. 
 
 and they filled the room to overflowing. It was a. great 
 success; but I didn't get any money. 
 
 "I regret to say that efforts were made to make a Mor- 
 mon of me while I was in Utah. It was leap-year when I 
 was there ; and seventeen young widows, the wives of a 
 deceased Mormon, oifered me their hearts and hands. I 
 called on them one day ; and taking their white, soft hands 
 in mine, — which made eighteen hands altogether, — I found 
 them in tears. And I said, 'Why is this thus? What is 
 the reason of this thusness ? ' They hove a sigh, — seven- 
 'teen sighs of different size. They said, 'Doth not like us?' 
 I said, ' I doth, I doth ! ' I also said, ' I hope your in- 
 tentions are honorable ; as I am a lone child, my parents 
 being far, far away.' They then said, 'Wilt not marry 
 us ? ' — ' Oh, no ! it cannot was.' Again they asked me 
 to marry them, and again I declined. Then they cried, 
 ' cruel man ! this is too much, — oh ! too much ! ' I told 
 them it was on account of the muchness that I declined. 
 
 " Mr. Heber C. Kimball is the first Vice-President of the 
 Mormon Church ; and would, consequently, .succeed to the 
 full presidency on Brigham Young's death. Brother Kim- 
 ball is a gay and festive fellow of some seventy summers, 
 or some-ers there about. He has one thousand head of 
 cattle, and a hundred head of wives. He says they are aw- 
 ful eaters. 
 
 " Mr. Kimball had a son — a lovely young man — who 
 was married to ten interesting wives. But one day, while 
 he was absent from home, they went out walking with a 
 handsome young man ; which so enraged Mr. Kimball's son, 
 which made him so jealous, that he shot himself with a 
 horse-pistol. The doctor who attended him, a very scientific 
 man, informed me that the bullet entered the inner paral- 
 lelogram of his diaphragmatic thorax, superinducing mem- 
 braneous hemorrhage in the outer cuticle of his boulicontho- 
 maturgist. It killed him. I should have thought it would.
 
 MRS. PARTINGTON. 1C7 
 
 " The last picture I have to show you represents Mr. Brig- 
 ham Young in the bosom of his fivmily. His family is large, 
 and the olive-branches around his table are in a very 
 tangled condition. He is more a father than any man I 
 know. When at home, as you see him in the picture, lie 
 ought to be very happy, with sixty wives to minister to his 
 comforts, and twice sixty children to soothe his distracted 
 mind. Ah ! my friends, what is home without a family?" 
 
 THE QUEER A>D IXSTRUCTIVM SAYINGS OF MRS. PAR- 
 TINGTON. 
 
 It was with strong emotion of wonder that. Mrs. Parting- 
 ton read in the papers that a new wing was to be added 
 to the Cambridge Observatory. " What upon airth can 
 that be for, I wonder ? I dare say they are putting the 
 new wing on to take more flights arter comics and such 
 things ; or to look at the new ring of the planet Satan, — 
 another link added to his chain, perhaps ; and, gracious 
 knows, he seems to go farther than he ever did before." 
 She stopped to listen as the sounds of revelry and drunken- 
 ness arose upon the night-air ; and she glanced from her 
 chamber, over the way, where a red illuminated lantern 
 denoted " Chim-Chowder." Why should she look there 
 just at that moment of her allusion to Satan ? AVhat con- 
 nection couhl there be, in her mind, between Satan and 
 clam-chowder? Nobody was present but Ike, and Isaac 
 Kluraben*<l. 
 
 Mrs. I'artington was in the country one August; and, for 
 a whole month, not one drop of rain had fallen. One day 
 she wa.s slowly walking along the road, with her umbrella 
 over her head, when an old man, who was meniliiig up a 
 little gap of wall, accosted her, at the same time dei)osititig 
 a largo stone upon the top of the pile. " Mrs. l^irtingtou, 
 what do you think can help this 'ere drought ? "
 
 168 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 The old lady looked at him through her spectacles, at the 
 same time smelling a fern-leaf. "I think," said she in a 
 tone of oracular wisdom, — "I think a little rain would help 
 it as much as any thing." It was a great thought. Tlie 
 old gentleman took oif his straw hat, and wiped his head 
 with his cotton handkerchief, at the same time saying that 
 he thought so too. 
 
 "Diseases is various," said Mrs. Partington as she re- 
 turned from a street-door conversation with Dr. Bolys. 
 " The doctor tells me that Mrs. Haze has got two buc- 
 kles on her lungs. It is dreadful to think of, I declare ! 
 The disease is so various ! One way, we hear of people's 
 dying of hermitage of the lungs; another way, of the 
 brown creatures : here they tell us of the elementary 
 canal being out of order, and there about tensors of the 
 throat ; here we hear of neurology' in the head, there of 
 an embargo ; one side of us we hear of men being killed 
 by getting a pound of tough beef in the cacrofagus, and 
 there another kills himself by discovering the jocular vein. 
 Things change so, that I declare I don't know how to sub- 
 scribe for any diseases now-a-days. New names and new 
 nostrils takes the place of the old, and I might as well 
 throw my old herb-bag away." Fifteen minutes afterwards, 
 Isaac had that herb-bag for a target, and broke three 
 squares of glass in the cellar-window in trying to hit it, 
 before the old lady knew what he was about. She didn't 
 mean exactly what she said. 
 
 "Does Isaac manifest any taste for poetry, Mrs. Parting- 
 ton ? " asked the schoolmaster's wife while conversing on 
 the merits of the youthful Partington. The old lady was 
 basting a chicken which her friends had sent her from the 
 country. " Oh, yes ! " said the old ladj'', smiling : " he is very 
 partially fond of poultry, and it always seems as if he can't 
 get enough of it." The old spit turned by the fire-place 
 in response to her answer, while the basting was going on.
 
 MRS. PARTINGTON. 169 
 
 " I mean," said the lady, " does he show any of the divine 
 afflatus? " The old lady thought a •moment. "As for the 
 divine flatness, I don't know about it. He's had all the 
 complaints of children ; and, when he was a baby, he fell, and 
 broke the cartridge of his nose : but I hardly think he's had 
 this that you speak of The roasting chicken hissed and 
 sputtered, and Mrs. Partington basted it again. 
 
 " How these men talk about exercising their right of suf- 
 fering !" said Mrs. Partington: " as if nobody in the world 
 suffered but themselves ! They don't know of our sufferings. 
 "We poor creturs must sufl'er, and say nothing about it, and 
 drink cheap tea,' and be troubled with the children and the 
 cows, and scrub our souls out ; and we never say a thing 
 about it. But a man comes on regularly once a year, like 
 a Farmer's Almanac, and grumbles about his sufferings; 
 and it's only then jest to choose a governor, arter all. These 
 men are hard creturs to find out, and ain't worth much after 
 you have found them out." This was intended as a lesson 
 to Margaret, who was working Charlotte and Werter, on a 
 blue ground, at her side ; but Margaret had her own idea 
 of the matter, and remained silent. 
 
 " I wish you a merry Christmas 
 And a happy New Year, 
 With j'our stomach full of money 
 And your pocket fu.l of beer," 
 
 yelled Ike as he skipped into ^Irs. Partington's kitchen, where 
 the old dame was busily engaged in cooking breakfast on 
 Christmas morning. " Don't make such a noise, dear," said 
 the kind old lady, holding up her hand : "you give me a scruti- 
 nizing pain in my head, and your young voice goes through 
 my brain like a scalpel-knife. But what did the good 
 Santa Cruz put into your stocking, Isaac ? " And she 
 looked at liim with an arch and pleased expression as ho 
 took out of his pocket a jack-knife, and a hum-top painted 
 with gaudy colors. Ike held them up joyously ; and it was a
 
 170 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 sight to see the two standing there, — she smiling serenely 
 upon the boy's happiness, and he grateful in the possession 
 of his treasures. " Ah ! " said she with a sigh, *' there's 
 many a house to-day, Isaac, that Santa Cruz won't visit ; 
 and many a poor child will find nothing in his stocking 
 hut his own little foot ! " It might have been a grain of 
 the snuff she took, it might have, been a fleeting mote of 
 the atmosphere ; but Mrs. Partington's eyes looked humid, 
 though she smiled upon the boy before her, who stood trying 
 to pull the cord out of her reticule to spin his new top with. 
 
 " People may say what they will about country air being 
 so good for 'em," said Mrs. Partington, " and how they fat 
 upon it : for my part, I shall always think it is owin' to the 
 vittles. Air may dcfor cammamiler and other reptiles that 
 live on it; but I know that men must have something sub- 
 stantialer." The old lady was resolute in this opinion, con- 
 flict as it might with general notions. She is set in her 
 opinions, very ; and, in their expression, nowise backward. 
 ^'It may be as Solomon says," said she ; "but I lived at the 
 pasturage in a country town all one ^ummer, and I never 
 heerd a turtle singing in the branches. I say I never heerd 
 it : but it may be so too ; for I have seen 'em in brooks 
 under the tree, where they, perhaps, dropped off. I wish 
 some of our great naturalists would look into it." With 
 this wish for light, the old lady lighted her candle, and went 
 to bed. 
 
 " I can't believe in spirituous knockings," said Mrs. Par- 
 tington solemnly, as a friend related something he had seen 
 which appeared very mysterious. " I can't believe about 
 it; for I know, if Paul could come back, he would en- 
 velop himself to me here, and wouldn't make me run a 
 mile only to get a few dry knocks. Strange that the world 
 should be so superstitious as to believe sich a rapsody, or 
 think a sperrit can go knocking about like a boy in vexa- 
 tion ! I don't believe it; and I don't kuow's I could if that
 
 SAYINGS OF PRENTICE. 171 
 
 teapot there should jump off the table right affore my eyes." 
 She paused; and, through the gloom of ?pproaching dark- 
 ness, the determined expression of her countenance was 
 apparent. A slight movement, was heard upon the table ; 
 and the little black teapot moved from its position, crawled 
 slowly up the wall, and then hung passively by the side of 
 the profile of the ancient corporal. The old lady could not 
 speak, but held up her hands in wild amazement ; while 
 her snuff-box fell from her nerveless grasp, and rolled along 
 on the sanded floor. She left the room to procure a light; 
 and, as soon as she had gone, the teapot was lowered by the 
 invisible hand to its original station ; and Ike stepped out 
 from beneath the table, stowing a long string away in his 
 pocket, and grinning prodigiously. 
 
 " What a label it is upon the character of Boston ! " said 
 Mrs. Partington, as she read a speech on the liquor bill that 
 reflected on Boston. " There is no place where benevolence 
 is so aperient as here. For my part, I don't know where so 
 much is done for the suffering: and anybody can see it that 
 can read ; for how often we see ' Free Lunch' in the windows 
 of our humane institutions ! You never see such things in 
 the country, as much better as they think themselves," 
 
 "I think," said Mrs. Partington, getting up from the 
 breakfast-table, " I will take a tower, or go upon a discur- 
 sion. The bill says, if I collect rightly, that a party is 
 to go to a very plural spot, and to mistake of a cold collec- 
 tion. I hope it won't be so cold as ours was for the poor 
 last Sunday : why, there wasn't effiiiient to buy a feet of 
 wood for a restitute widder." And the old lady put on her 
 calash. 
 
 SHARP AXD WITTY RAVINf;S OP rRENTICE OF " TITE 
 I.U11SVJJ>LK JOUUNAL." 
 
 "'The Boston Transcript' says that a young lady, afttT 
 reading attentively the title of a novel called ' 'J'he Last
 
 172 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 Man/ exclaimed, ' Bless me ! if such a thing were ever to 
 happen, what would become of the women ? ' We think a per- 
 tinent inquiry is, 'What would become of the ^oor man?''' 
 "An editor in Michigan, talking of corn, professes to 
 have two ears fifteen inches long. Some folks are remarka- 
 ble for the length of their two ears." 
 
 " ' Doctor, what do you think is the cause of this frequent 
 rush of blood to my head ? ' — ' Oh ! it is nothing but an ef- ^ 
 fort of nature. Nature, you know, abhors a vacuum." 
 
 " The editor of ' The Globe ' says he hopes to reach the 
 truth. He is laying out for himself a long journey. He 
 had better make his will before he starts." 
 
 " ' Will you have the kindness to hand me the butter be- 
 fore you ? ' said a gentleman politely at table to an ancient 
 maiden. 'I am no waiter, sir.' — ' Is that so ? I thought, 
 from your appearance, you had been waiting a long time.' " 
 " We were considerably amused by an account we lately 
 saw of a remarkable duel. There were six men and six 
 missers upon the ground." . 
 
 "The editor of ' Star' says he has never murdered 
 
 the truth. He never gets near enough to it to do it any 
 bodily harm." 
 
 "'I and my brother are engaged in the Temperance 
 cause,' said a loafer. 'He gives public lectures upon the 
 virtue of temperance, and I go about exhibiting illustra- 
 tions of the effect of intemperance.' Now, our neighbor- 
 in-law has a decided advantage of that pair of brothers. 
 He combines the functions of both." 
 
 " The editor of the speaks of his 'lying curled 
 
 up in bed these cold mornings.' This verifies what we said 
 of him some time ago, — he lies like a dog." 
 
 " It may seem a little remarkable, that, in these days, the 
 greater part of the white-washing is done with ink." 
 
 "'What has been your business?' said a judge to a 
 prisoner at the bar. 'Why, your Honor, I used to be a
 
 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. 173 
 
 dentist : now I am a pugilist. Then I put teeth in : I now 
 knock them out.' " 
 
 " A writer in one of our medical journals inquires why it 
 is that women are more likely to take cold than men. In- 
 deed, we don't know ; but Dr. Hall says that the only way 
 to avoid taking cold, under certain circumstances, is to keep 
 tlie mouth shut." 
 
 " A Western rhymer says that he writes only when an 
 ansel troubles his soul. We don't know that the fact of liis 
 own soul's being troubled gives him the right to trouble the 
 souls of other people." 
 
 " * You seem to walk more erect than usual, my friend.' 
 * Yes : I have been straitened by circumstances.' " 
 
 " A well-known writer says that a fine coat covers a mul- 
 titude of sins. It is still truer, that such coats cover a multi- 
 tude of sinners." 
 
 " * Boy, how did you manage to get such a big string of 
 fish.' — ' I hooked them, sir.' " 
 
 " * Landlord, you do me too much honor : you let me sleep 
 among the big bugs last niglit.' — ' Oh ! don't be too mod- 
 est, my dear lodger : I doubt not they have your own blood 
 running in their veins.'" 
 
 " * How does real estate sell in your town ? ' — ' Oh ! it's 
 cheap as dirt.' " 
 
 " It is said that several thousand married men have been 
 in the war more than two years without receiving a scratch. 
 This is more than can be said of some married men who 
 staid at home," 
 
 THE EFFECT THE PKOCLAMATION OF SECRETARY SEW- 
 ARD PRODUCED IN KENTUCKY. 
 
 Confedrit -\- Roads, which is t'ri the Slnit uv Kentuchy, 
 Dec. 20, 1805. 
 
 At last, the deed is dun ! The tiranikle government 
 which hez sway at Wasliington hez finelly extiiiguislied tho
 
 174 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 last glimerin' flicker uv liberty by abolisbin' slavery ! The 
 sun didn't go down in gloom that nite ; the stars didn't 
 fade in a sickly yeller : at wich obstinacy uv Nachur I wuz 
 considerably astonished. 
 
 I got the news at the post-offis (near to wich I am at 
 present stayin', at the house uv a venerable old planter, who 
 accepts my improvin' conversation and a occasional promise, 
 wich is cheap, ez equivilent for board). Sadly I wendid my 
 way to his peaceful home, dreadin' to fling over that house 
 the pall uv despair. After supper, I broke to em ez gently 
 ez I cood the intelligence that th'ree-fourths uv the States 
 hed ratified the constooshnel amendment, that Seward had 
 ishood his proclamation, and that all the niggers wuz 
 free. 
 
 Never did I see sich sorrer depicted on human counte- 
 nance ; never wuz there despair uv sich depth. All nite 
 long, the bereaved inmates uv that wunst happy but now 
 distracted home wept and waled in agony wich wuz per- 
 fectly heart-rendin'. 
 
 " Wo is me ! " sobbed the old man, wringin' his hands. 
 "John Brown's karkis hangs a-danglin' in the air; but his 
 soul is marchin' on. It took posseshun of Seward; and 
 thro' his ugly mouth it spoke the words, 'The nigger is 
 free ! ' and there is no more a slave in the land. 
 
 " Wunst I hed a hundred niggers ; and the men were fat 
 and healthy, and the wenches wuz strong, and sum uv 
 'em wuz fair to look upon. They worked in my house 
 and my fields from the rising uv the sun to the goin'-down 
 uv the same. 
 
 " Wuz they lazy ? I catted them till they wuz cured 
 thereof; for, lo ! they wuz ez a child under my care. 
 
 " Did they run away ? From Kentucky they run North ; 
 and, lo ! the Locofoco marshals caught them for me, and 
 brought them back, and delivered them into my hand with- 
 out cost, sayin', ' Lo ! here is thy nigger ; do with him ez
 
 PETROLEUM V. NASBY. 175 
 
 tliou wilt ' (which I alluz did) ; wich is cheeper than keepin' 
 dogs, and jest as good. 
 
 " Solomon wuz wise ; for he hed uv konkebines a suffi- 
 shensy : but we wuz wiser in our day than him ; for he hed 
 to feed his children, and it kost him shekels uv gold, and 
 shekels uv silver, and much corn and oil. 
 
 " "We hed our konkebines with ez great a muchness ez 
 Solomon ; but we sold their children for silver and gold and 
 red-dog paper." 
 
 And all nite long the bereaved old patriarch, who hed 
 alluz bin a father to his servants (and a grandfather to 
 meuny uv 'em), poured out his lamentations. In the 
 moruin', the niggers wuz called up ; and ez they all hed 
 their koats on, and hed bundles, I 'spect they must hev 
 heard the news. The old gentleman explained the situa- 
 tion to 'em. 
 
 "Yoo will," sed he, "stay in yoor happy homes: you 
 will alluz continue to live here, and work here, ez yoo hev 
 alluz dun." 
 
 The niggers all in korious, with a remarkable unanimity, 
 remarkt, that, ef they hed ever bin introdoost to theirselves, 
 they thought they woodent. In fact, they hed congregated 
 at that time for the purpose uv startiu life on their own 
 hook. A paroxysm uv pain and anguish shot over the old 
 man's face. Nearest to him stood a octoroon, who, hed she 
 not bin tainted with the accurst blood uv Ham, wood hev 
 bin considered beautiful. Fallin' on her neck, the old patri- 
 arch, with teers a-streamin down his furrowed cheeks, 
 ejackilated, " Farewell, Looizer, my daughter ! farewell ! I 
 loved yoor mother ez never man loved nigger. She wuz the 
 solace uv my leisure hours, the companion uv my yooth. 
 She I sold to pay orf a mortgage on the place, — she and 
 yoor older sisters. Farewell ! I hed hoped to hev sold yoo 
 this winter (for you are still young), and bought out diii- 
 kiiis; but wo is me! Curses on the tirent who thus severs
 
 176 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 all the tender ties uv nacliur ! Oh ! it is hard for father to 
 part with child, even when the market's high; but, God! 
 to part thus ! " And the old gentleman, in a excess uv greef, 
 swoonded away genteelly. His son Tom hed bin caressin' 
 her two little children, who wuz a half whiter than she wuz. 
 Unable to restrain hisself, he fell on her neck, and bemoaned 
 his fate with tetchin pathos. 
 
 " Farewell, farewell, mother uv my children ! Farewell 
 faro and bosses and shampane ! — a long farewell!. Your 
 increase wuz my perquisites ; and I sold 'em to supply my 
 needs. Hed you died, I cood hev bin resigned ; for, when 
 dead, you ain't wuth a copper : but to see yoo torn away 
 livin', & wuth $2,000 in enny market, it's too much, it's 
 too much ! " And he fainted, fallin' across the old man. 
 
 " Who'll do the work about the house ? " shreekt the old 
 lady, faintin', and fallin' across Tom. 
 
 " Who'll dress us, and wash us, and wait on us ? " shreekt 
 the three daughters, swoonding away, and fallin' across the 
 old woman. My first impulse wuz to "faint away myself, 
 and fall across the three daughters ; but I restrained myself, 
 and wuz contented with strikin' a attitood, and organizin' a 
 tablo. Hustlin' the niggers away with a burnin' cuss for 
 their ingratitood, I spent the balance uv the forenoon in 
 bringin' on em too. Wun by wun, they became conshus ; 
 ,but they wuz not theirselves. Their minds wuz evidently 
 shattered ; they wuz carryin' a heavy heart in their buzzums. 
 
 Wood, oh ! wood that Seward cood hev seen that groop ! 
 Sich misery does Ablishinism bring in its trane ; sich hor- 
 rers follers a departure from Dimikratic teechin's. When 
 will reason return to the people ? Eko answers, when ? 
 
 Petroleum V. Nasby, 
 Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
 
 IRISH WIT AND BLUNDERS.
 
 raSH WIT AM) BLTODERS. 
 
 There was a riot in London, gotten up by a company of 
 Irish sailors, prominent among whom was one Phaidrig, 
 who piped the wildest and most exciting war-tunes, and 
 yelled the battle-cry of rebels, during the whole of the fray. 
 Being arrested, and brought before Sir Thomas de Veil, 
 this cunning rioter attempted to mystify the magistrate, and 
 thereby show his innocence. The following is the report of 
 his examination : — 
 
 "What were you playing on the pipes for, sirrah?" 
 asked Sir Thomas fiercely. 
 
 " That's my business, your Honor." 
 
 " You had no business, sirrah, to be playing when rebels 
 were impeding the king's officers." 
 
 " I beg pardon, your Honor: I had no" business, it's thrue 
 for you; and^ when I said business, it was all through 
 modesty." 
 
 " How do you mean modesty, sir? " 
 
 "Why, your Honor, I said business, when, in fact, I 
 should have said profession : and that was all through 
 modesty ; for mine is a profession, I being a musician." 
 
 " You're an Irishman, I perceive." 
 
 " Indeed I am." 
 
 " Then you're a papist ? " 
 
 " No, sir : I'm a piper." 
 
 " No quibbling, sir: a piper must have a religion." 
 
 " Excuse me, your Honor. Tipers never has any religion 
 
 178
 
 180 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 at all : they must make themselves plazing to all com- 
 panies." 
 
 " Then are you a heathen, you vagabond ? " 
 
 " No, your Honor : I'm only a pagan." 
 
 "Dare you acknowledge yourself a pagan in my pres- 
 ence, sirrah ? " 
 
 " To be sure, your Honor. There's no law agin pagans : 
 it's only agin Christians the laws is." 
 
 *' But there are laws against unbelievers, villain." 
 
 " That'll do me no harm, your Honor ; for I believe 
 every thing." This reply produced a laugh, and cast the 
 desired hue of ridicule over the trial. 
 
 "But you were of the party of the sailors, however," 
 said Sir Thomas. " Did he not come with them ? " added 
 he, addressing Mrs. Banks, at whose public house the pris- 
 oner was arrested. 
 
 " To be sure I did," said Phaidrig before she could answer. 
 
 " Silence, sirrah ! I did not ask you, but the woman of 
 the house." 
 
 " He did come with them, your Worship," answered Mrs. 
 Banks. 
 
 " See there ! " exclaimed Phaidrig triumphantly. " I 
 towld you so. Do you think I would tell you a lie ? " 
 
 " Then, if you came with them, you must know some- 
 thing of them," said the magistrate. "Who are they?" 
 
 " Not a one o' me knows," returned Phaidrig. 
 
 " How did you come into their company ? " 
 
 " I did not come into their company at all. It was they 
 took me into their company agin my will." 
 
 " How did that happen ? " 
 
 To this he gave a tediously mixed answer, the substance 
 of which was, that they were a thieving set of fellows, who, 
 among other things, had stolen him, and made him play for 
 them, " mornin', noon, and night, and paid him not a cint 5 " 
 and, not content with that, they forced him into a ship, and 
 brought him to London against his will.
 
 IRISH WIT AND BLUNDERS. 181 
 
 "Well, then," said Sir Thomas, hoping to incite Phaidrig 
 through personal motives to disclose all he knew, "you 
 have a heavy charge to make against these men ; and, if 
 you can only bring all or any of them to justice, they shall 
 be punished, and I will endeavor to obtain for you ample 
 compensation for the loss you have sustained." 
 
 " Long may you reign, my lord ! " exclaimed Phaidrig. 
 *' It's the first word of pity or justice I have heerd for many 
 a day." 
 
 " Then you'll swear against them for this offence ? " said 
 
 Sir Thomas. 
 
 " 1*11 swear sthrong agin them ! " thundered Phaidrig. 
 
 " You know their names, I suppose ? " 
 
 " 'Twould be hard for me to forget them ; for they had the 
 queerest names I ever heerd of with cat or dog. One fel- 
 low was called ' Bumbo,' and another ' Nosey ; ' and there 
 was ' Dasher ' and ' Slasher ' and < Smasher.' " 
 
 " These are not surnames," said Sir Thomas. 
 
 " No, your Honor ; but they had very fine surnames with 
 them, for all that. There was ' Alexander.' " 
 
 "Alexander is a Christian name," remarked the magistrate. 
 
 "No, your Honor, bcggin' your pardon, ^/a5 Alexander 
 wasn't a Christian name, but an owld, anshint name : it 
 was Alexander the Grate they meant all the time, together 
 with Pompey and Saizer and Nickydemus." 
 
 "But these are not surnames. Was there not among 
 the crew some one of the name of ' Smith,' ' Brown,' or 
 ' Jones,' or some such name ? " 
 
 " No, your Honor : I never heerd sich a name at all. 
 There was only one smith aboord, and ho " — 
 
 " There, now, you are contradicting yourself," said Sir 
 Thomas hastily. " You said you never heard such a name 
 on lx.ard as Smith ; and in tlus next brcatli you acknowl- 
 edge there wa.s a Smith on board." 
 
 " Yiz, your Honor," retimied Phaidrig in a most soothing
 
 182 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 tone of voice ; " so there was a Smith : that is what I was 
 going to tell your Honor. But that Smith was a blacksmith, 
 that they had to make and mend iron things when they was 
 hroke with fightin', or storms, or the like." 
 
 " Then you never heard regular English surnames among 
 them." 
 
 " No, indeed, sir. My own private opinion is, they thought 
 it better to leave their names behind them when they went 
 to say ; for their doings there was not likely to do their 
 names any credit ; and maybe they thought it would be 
 saving the magisthraits throuble to make themselves as 
 little known as possible." 
 
 " Ah ! I see : each man was provided with an alias." 
 
 " I can't say I ever heerd of sitch a thing among them, sir." 
 
 " I mean, they all had nicknames." 
 
 "Faith they had: and owld Nick himself never gave 
 his name to more desarving childhres ; for they are the 
 greatest set o' divils I ever came across. your Honor ! 
 won't you do me justice, and sthrive and nab them, and 
 git me my lawful due agin them ? " 
 
 " What can I do when you can give me no clew ? You 
 don't know any thing of them." 
 
 " That's thrue, your Honor ; and I wish I knew less. Oh ! 
 weira, weira ! ruined I am. Maybe it's your Honor could 
 give me a thrifle o' money to take me home to Ireland." 
 
 Sir Thomas did not relish this proposal, and asked, " Had 
 the piper no friend in London ? " He .answered by asking, 
 " How could he have one in a city where he had first set his 
 foot that morning ? " The magistrate asked by what convey- 
 ance he came to London. Phaidrig answered, " By the 
 river." The functionary demanded the name of the ship. 
 Phaidrig replied that the desperadoes had quitted their own 
 ship a long way off, and came up the river in a smaller one, 
 the name of which he did not know. 
 
 To various other questions tending to find a clew to the
 
 IRISH ^Y1T AND BLUNDERS. ' 183 
 
 Bailors, Phaidrig pleaded his blindness as preventing his 
 making the observations other men, blessed with a sense of 
 vision, could ; and continued, by his seemingly simple and 
 queer answers, to baflle all the efibrts of the magistrate to im- 
 plicate him in the transaction, orto make him implicate others. 
 
 Sir Thoma-s and his satellites departed, and left Phaidrig 
 to the care of the kind widow, who was right well pleased 
 when she saw the authorities cross her threshold, and was 
 charmed with Phaidrig for his address throughout the affair. 
 
 " You are stanch and true, and right honest," said ^Irs. 
 Banks ; " and it is a pity so clever a fellow should want his 
 eyes." 
 
 " 'Tis a loss to me, ma'am, certainly," said Phaidrig with 
 an air of gallantry, " since it deprives me of the pleasure 
 of seeing you." 
 
 "Ah! you rogue," said the widow, "you have a tongue 
 worth more than a pair of eyes. Isn't it enough to have 
 talked over Sir Thomas do Veil, without palavering me ? " 
 
 " Veal is it you call that ganim ? " said Phaidrig. " Faix, 
 he'll never be veal till he's dead." 
 
 " You mean he's a calf while he's alive," said Mrs. Banks. 
 
 " ^Irs. Banks, ma'am," answered the piper, " you're a 
 mighty purty-spoken, sensible woman." 
 
 Here the conversation was intcirai)ted by the piper's 
 companions entering, who had changed their rough sailor's 
 trim for new and handsome suits. 
 
 DIALOGUE 
 Batceen Mr. Fhnngan, a rich Ixtc/ulor trader in country-produce, and Farmer 
 Mat liilcy, who jnanatjed on small weans to live, and raise a son, and 
 three healthy, good-lookin(j daughters. 
 
 "Mat?" 
 « Sir." 
 
 " I'm thinkin' o' marrj'ing." 
 
 " Well, she'll have a snug house, whoever she is, Mistber 
 Flanagan."
 
 184 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 " Them's fine girls o' yours." 
 
 Poor Pat opened his eyes with delight at the prospect of 
 such a match for one of his daughters, and said they were 
 " comely lumps o' girls, sure enough ; hut, what was betther, 
 they were good." 
 
 " That's what I'm thinking," says Flanagan. " There's 
 tv/o ten-poun' notes, and a five, and one is six, and one is 
 seven ; and three ten-pennies is two and sixpence ; that's 
 twenty-seven poun' two and sixpence ; eight-pence ha'penny 
 in the lot : but I haven't copper in my company. Mat." 
 
 " Oh ! no mather, Misther Flanagan. And is it one of my 
 colleens you've been throwin' the eye at, sir ? " 
 
 " Yes, Mat, it is. You're asking too much for them 
 
 firkins." 
 
 " Misther Flanagan ! consider, it's prime butther. I'll 
 back my girls for making up a bit o' butther agin any girls 
 in Ireland ; and cows is good, and the pasture is prime." 
 
 " 'Tis a farthin' a pound too high. Mat ; and the market 
 
 not lively." 
 
 " The butther is good, Misther Flanagan ; and not da- 
 cinther girls in Ireland than the same girls, though I am 
 their father." 
 
 " I'm thinkin' I'll marry one o' them. Mat." 
 
 " Sure an' it's proud I'll be, sir ; and which o' them is it, 
 maybe ? " 
 
 " Faith, I don't know myself. Mat. Which do you think 
 yourself?" 
 
 " Troth, myself doesn't know : they are aU good. Nance 
 is nice, and Biddy's biddable, and Kitty's cute." 
 
 " You're my man, Mat : you ought to be able to give a 
 husband a thrifle with them." 
 
 "Nothing worth yozir while, anyhow, Misther Flanagan. 
 But sure one o' my girls without a rag to her back, or a 
 tack to her feet, would be betther help to an honest, indus- 
 therin' man than one o' your lontherum swosh girls out of
 
 IRISH WIT AND BLUNDERS. 185 
 
 a town, that would spend more than she'd bring with 
 her." 
 
 " Tliat's thrue, Mat. I'll marry one o' your girls, I think." 
 
 " You'll have my blessin', sir ; and proud I'll be, — and 
 proud the girl ought to be, — that 111 say. And suppose, 
 now, you come over on Sundaj', and take share of a plain 
 man's dinner, and take your pick o' the girls. There's a fine 
 bull goose that Nance towld me she'd have ready afther 
 last mass ; for Father Ulick said he'd come and dine with 
 us." 
 
 " I can't, !Mat ; but I'll go and breakfast with you to- 
 morrow, on my way to Billy Mooney's, who has a fine lot 
 of pigs to sell, — remarkably fine pigs." 
 
 " Well, we'll expect you to breakfast, sir." 
 
 " Mat, there must be no nonsense about the wedding." 
 
 " As you plase, sir." 
 
 " Just marry her off, and take her home. * Short reckon- 
 ings make long friends.' " 
 
 " Thrue for you, sir." 
 
 "Nothing to give with the girl, you say?" 
 
 " My blessing only, sir." 
 
 " Well, you must throw in that butther. Mat, and take 
 the farthin' off." 
 
 "It's yours, sir," said Mat, delighted, loading Flanagan 
 with " Good-bys " and '• God save yous " until they should 
 meet next morning at breakfast. Mat rode home in great 
 glee at the prospect of providing so well for one of his girls, 
 and told them a man would bo there the next morning to 
 make choice of one of them for his wife, and the girl who 
 got liira would be lucky. 
 
 In preparing themselves for the ordeal, tlie two older girls 
 ttpI)ropriated all the best clothes, and all the ornaments the 
 wliiile three held in common, and left notliing but the most 
 ordinarj', evory-day clothing for Kitty. Flanagan spoke but 
 very little to the girls while in their comi)any ; but, just aa
 
 186 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 he was leaving the house, he said to the father, as he shook 
 Lauds with him, " Mat, I'll do it ; " and, pointing to Kitty, 
 he added, " That's the one I'll have." 
 
 As Flanagan passed out, the elder sisters manifested their 
 disappointment in exhibitions of rage, while Kitty was nearly 
 exhausted in laughing. The fun came into Kitty from two 
 sources. She was tickled at the thought, that, while her 
 sisters had deprived her of any share in the attractive cloth- 
 ing in the house, she had gained a conquest over them in her 
 rags. She was also tickled to think that her prospective 
 husband would be disappointed in her taste for dress, and 
 her capacity to spend money. She manifested this taste 
 and capacity, in her married life, in ways more annoying 
 than funny to her husband. The fun was all hers. 
 
 Sir Jonah Barrington, in " Personal Sketches of his 
 Own Times," makes the following humorous statements re- 
 specting the Irish peasantry (this work was published in New 
 York in 1853) : " If you meet a peasant on your journey, and 
 ask him how far to Ballinrobe, he will probably say it is 'three 
 short miles.' You travel on, and are informed by the next 
 peasant you meet ' that it is Jive long miles.' On you go ; 
 and the next peasant will tell ' your Honor ' it is ' about 
 four miles.' The fourth will solemnly declare, ' If your 
 Honor stops at three miles, you'll never get there.' But 
 on pointing to a town just before you, and inquiring what 
 place that is, he replies, 'Oh ! that's Ballinrobe, sure 
 enough ! ' 
 
 " ' Why, you said it was more than three miles off.' 
 
 " ' Oh, yes ! to be sure and sartain : that's from my own 
 cabin, plase your Honor. We're no scholards in this 
 country. Arrah ! how can we tell any distance, plase your 
 Honor, but from our own little cabins ? Nobody but the 
 schoolmaster knows that, plase your Honor.' 
 
 " When you ask a peasant the distance of the place you
 
 lEISH WIT AND BLUNDEES. 187 
 
 require, he never computes it from the place where you then 
 are, but trom his own cabin : so, if you should ask twenty, 
 they would all give you different answers, and not one of 
 them would be correct. 
 
 " Au Irish peasant never answers a question directly. 
 It some districts, if you ask him where such a gentleman's 
 house is, he will point, and reply, ' Does your Honor see 
 that large house there, all among the trees, with a green 
 lield before it ? ' 
 
 '* You answer, * Yes.' 
 
 " * Well,' says he, ' plase your Honor, that's not it. But 
 do you see the big brick house with the cow-houses beside 
 of that same, and a pond of water ? ' 
 
 " ' Yes.' 
 
 " * Well, plase your Honor, thafs not it. But, if you 
 plase, look quite to the right of that same, and you'll see 
 the top of a castle among the trees there, with a road going 
 down to it, between the bushes.' 
 
 " ' Yes,' you say. 
 
 " ' Well, plase your Honor, tJiafs not it, neither : but if 
 your Honor will come down a bit of road, a couple of miles, 
 I'll show it you sure enough ; and, if j'our Honor's in a 
 hurry, I can run on Iiot foot. Ah I who shall I tell the 
 squire, plase you Honor, is coming to see him ? He's my 
 own landlord, God save his Honor day and night ! ' " 
 
 Our author, in his own bridal tour, called on his brother 
 at his hunting-lodge the morning after he had entertained 
 a carnival a.sseml)lage. "The dining-room walls received 
 their last coat of cement plaster on the previous morning, 
 and, of course, were moist on the eve of that day. Our 
 author reached the establishment about ten o'clock, A.M., 
 where he found his brother asleep on the only bed in the 
 liou»e, and his a.ssociates in the same state, some in tlie sta- 
 ble, and others in the house. The parlor was streweil with 
 empty bottles, plates, dishes, knives, forks, &c., in perfect con-
 
 188 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 fusion. Three or four of the bacchanalians lay fast asleep 
 upon chairs ; one or two others upon the floor, among whom 
 a piper lay on his hack, apparently dead, with a table-cloth 
 spread over him, and surrounded by four or five candles 
 burnt to the sockets : his chanter and bags were laid scien- 
 tifically across his body ; his mouth was quite open, and his 
 nose made ample amends for the silence of his drone. Joe 
 Kelly and a Mr. Peter Alley were fast asleep in their chairs, 
 with their heads leaning against the newly-plastered wall." 
 
 Our author first aroused his brother, who ordered break- 
 fast, and insisted that his guests in the parlor should not be 
 awaked until the meal was prepared. When this was done, 
 his brother called loudly upon the sleepers to wake i;p and 
 come to breakfast. Perceiving that Joe and Peter did not 
 move their heads from the wall, he approached, and said, 
 "■ Come, boys ! " giving Joe a pull, " come ! " 
 
 " Oh, murder ! " says Joe : " I can't ! " 
 
 " Murder, murder ! " echoed Peter. 
 
 " My brother," says our author, " pulled them again; upon 
 which they roared the louder, still retaining their places, 
 I have, in my lifetime, laughed till I nearly became spas- 
 modic ; but never were my risible muscles put to greater 
 tension than on this occasion. Tlie wall, as I said, had, on 
 the day before, received a coat of cement mortar, and of 
 course was quite soft and yielding when Joe and Peter 
 thought proper to make it -their pillow : it was, neverthe- 
 less, setting fast around the hot heads which had been em- 
 bedded therein, aided by the influence of the heat which 
 had accompanied,the night's carousal. When my brother 
 awoke his guests, the mortar had completely set ; and, their 
 hair being the thing most calculated to amalgamate there- 
 with, the entire of Joe's stock, together with his cue and 
 half his head, was thoroughly and irrevocably bedded in the 
 greedy and now marble cement ; so that, if determined to 
 move, he must have taken the wall with him. One side of
 
 IRISH WIT AND BLUNDERS. 189 
 
 Peter's head was in the same state of imprisonment. No- 
 body was able to assist them ; and there they both stuck 
 fast." From their perilous condition they were finally re- 
 lieved by cutting off their hair and cues, and a portion of 
 Peter 8 scalp. 
 
 Mike. — An Irish officer, wounded in battle with the 
 French, was brought to consciousness by his servant !Mike, 
 who accompanied his bathing process with a running fire 
 of lamentation because his master had been murdered so 
 young. Perceiving evidence of returning consciousness, 
 ^fike said, *' Are you better. Master Charles ? Spake to 
 me : say that you're not kilt, darling ; do now. There, 
 take a sup : it's only water. JBad luck to them ! but it's 
 hard work beatin' them : they are only gone now. That's 
 right: now you're coming to." — "Where am I, Mike?" 
 said the wounded man. " It's here you are, darling, resting 
 yourself." 
 
 Mike's Address to a favorite Priest. -, — " Ah ! then, it's 
 yourself has the illegant time of it father, dear," said he, 
 "and nothing to trouble you ; the best of divarsion wherever 
 ye go ; and all the women is fond of ye. Father Murphy 
 was such another as yourself, and he'd coax the birds off 
 the trees with the tongue of him. 
 
 ' What an illegant life a friar leads, 
 
 With a fat, round stomach before him ! 
 Ho utters n pniyer, and coimts his beads, 
 
 And nil the women wloro him. 
 It's little he's troubled to work or thuik, 
 
 Wiiorevor devotion loiuls him: 
 A "itaUT" jiiiyn fur his dinner and drink; 
 
 For the Church, good luck to her! feeds him.' " 
 
 Mike's Opinion of Relifjioxis Expenses in Portugal. — 
 After paying his devotions to a beautiful injago of the 
 blessed Virgin, with his hancls clasped, and his head bowed 
 apon his bosom, Mike seated liimself ui»on the steps of the
 
 190 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 altar, and there revolved some doubts in his mind concerning 
 the profitableness of his late pious duties. With these 
 words he broke silence : " Masses is dearer here than in 
 Galway. Father Eush would be well plased at two and 
 sixpence for what I paid three doubloons for this morning. 
 And sure it's drole enough how expensive an amuse- 
 ment it is to kill the French. Here's half a dollar I 
 gave for the soul of a cuirassier that I kilt yesterday, and 
 nearly twice as much for an artillery-man I cut down at the 
 guns ; and, becavise the villain swore like a hathen, Father 
 Pedro told me he'd cost more nor if he'd died like a dacent 
 man." After uttering these words, he turned suddenly 
 round toward the Virgin, and, crossing himself dcA'Outly, 
 added, " And, sure, it's yourself knows if it's fair to make 
 me pay for vile fellows that don't know their duties ; and 
 after all, if you don't understand English nor Irish, I've 
 been wasting my time here this two hours." 
 
 Mike's Opinion of the Army Physician. — "Arrah, Mister 
 Charles! don't mind the docther: he's a poor crayther en- 
 tirelj^ ; little does he know." 
 
 " Why, what do you mean, Mike ? He's physician to the 
 forces." 
 
 " Dear me ! and so he may be," said Mike with a toss 
 of his head : " those army docthers isn't worth their salt. 
 It's thruth I'm telling you. Sure, didn't he come see me 
 when I was sick in the hould ? ' How do you feel ? ' says 
 he. ' Terribly dhry in the mouth,' says I. ' But your bones,' 
 says he : ' how's them ? ' — ' As if cripples was kicking me,' 
 says I. Well, with that he went away, and brought back 
 two powders. ' Take them,' says he, ' and ye'll be cured in 
 no time.' — ' What's them ? ' says I. ' They are emetics,' says 
 he. ' Blood and ages ! ' says I, ' are they ? ' — ' It's thrue 
 what I tell ye,' says he : ' take them immediately.' I tuk 
 them; and would you believe me. Mister Charles, — it's 
 thruth I'm telling ye, — not one o' them would stay on my
 
 IRISH WIT AND BLUKDERS. 191 
 
 stomach. So you see what a docther he is. Sure he isn't 
 worth his salt." 
 
 An Irishman, who let himself to a farmer, said, while 
 selling his services, that he could hold a plough, and do all 
 other kinds of farm-work. He was taken to the field, and 
 told to hold the plough. The horses started, and he showed 
 Ills incapacity to control the instrument. " Did you not 
 tell me you could hold the plough ? " said the enraged 
 farmer. 
 
 " And sure I did," said Paddy ; " and I can hould it, if 
 you'll unhitch them two horses that are trying to take it 
 away from me." 
 
 "I once dreamed," said Pat, "that I called upon the 
 Pope; and he axed me wud I drink. I tould him I didn't 
 care if I tuk a drop of punch. 'Could, or hot?' axed 
 the Pope. ' Bot, yer Holiness,' said I: and he stepped 
 down in the kitchen for some bilin' water ; and, before he 
 got back, I woke strate up ; and now it's distressiu' me that 
 I didn't taJce it could." 
 
 A son of Erin, just arrived in this land of plenty, being 
 in want, was told, by a person to whom he applied for aid, 
 
 to go to . "Civility indeed," said the Hibernian, "to 
 
 invite me to your fathers liouse." 
 
 An Irishman, being asked what he would charge per day 
 for his labor, replied, "A dollar and a half if I eat myself 
 and one dollar if you eat me." 
 
 An Irishman, having a friend bung in this country, wrote 
 home to his relatives, informing them, that, after addressing 
 a large meeting of citizens, the platform on which he stood 
 gave way, and ho fell and broke his neck.
 
 192 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 An Irish colonel of dragoons, previous to a trial in which 
 he was the defendant, was informed by his counsel, that, if 
 he had personal objections to any of the jury, he might 
 legally challenge them. " Faith, and so I will," replied the 
 son of Mars : " if they don't bring me off handsomely, I will 
 challenge every man of themP . 
 
 An Irish soldier, riding a vicious mule which was run- 
 ning away with him, was asked by a person he met where 
 he was. going so furiously. "Ask my mule," said the 
 soldier. 
 
 An Irish lady was asked if she. could sing, and replied, 
 '•' No, sir ; but I can enchant.'" 
 
 An Irishman, calling for a letter at the post-office, be- 
 ing asked, "What name?" replied, "My name is on the 
 outside of the letter." 
 
 A son of Erin boasted that he had often skated sixty 
 miles a day. " Sixty miles ! " exclaimed an auditor : " that 
 is a great distance. It must have been accomplished when 
 the days were longest." — "To be sure it was; I admit 
 that," cried the ingenious Hibernian. 
 
 " Ah, now, my darling ! " exclaimed an Irishman when 
 his boy threatened to enlist in the army, "would you be 
 laving your poor ould father, that doted upon ye? — you, 
 the best and most dutiful of all my children, and the only 
 one that never struck me when I was down ? " 
 
 Chancellor Walworth was sometimes severe upon un- 
 learned lawyers who appeared before his court. A witty 
 Irish lawyer, for whom the chancellor did not entertain 
 very high respect, was asked by his Honor, "Mr. Mulock,
 
 IRISH WIT AND BLUNDERS, 193 
 
 will you permit me to ask who prepared these plead- 
 ings?" 
 
 '• Oh, yes, your Honor ! I did." 
 
 " Then I have only to say," said the chancellor, " you 
 should have consulted counsel." 
 
 " May it please your Honor," was Mulock's ready answer, 
 " I have not known whom to consult since your Honor left 
 the bar." 
 
 Members of the profession, present in large numbers, were 
 convulsed with laughter by this witty response. 
 
 " Biddy," said a lady, " step over and see how old Mrs. 
 Jones is this morning." In a few minutes, Biddy returned 
 with the information that Mrs. Jones was seventy-two years, 
 seven months, and two days old, that morning. 
 
 An Irishman having driven a gentleman a long stage 
 one very rainy day, the gentleman civilly said to him, 
 " Paddy, are you not very wet ? " 
 
 " Arrah ! I don't care about being very wet : but, plaze 
 your Honor, I'm very dry; and that's what distresses 
 
 me." 
 
 Complaint having been made in a Yorkshire hospital that 
 an old Hibernian would not submit to the prescribed reme- 
 dies, one of the committee proceeded to expostulate with 
 him ; when he defended himself by exclaiming, — 
 
 " Sure, your Honor, wasn't it a blister they wanted to put 
 upon my back ? And I only tould 'em it was althegither 
 impossible ; for I've sich a mighty dislike to them blisters, 
 that, put 'em where you will, they are sure to go agin my 
 stomach." 
 
 " I have juHt mot our old ac<|U.'iiiit:incc, Daly," said an 
 Irishman to his friend; "and was sorry to seo ho has 
 
 13
 
 194 MIBTHFULNESS. 
 
 shrunk away to almost nothing. You are thin, and I am 
 thin J but he is thinner than both of us put together." 
 
 " My dear Murphy," said an Irishman to his friend, "why 
 did you betray the secret I told you ? " 
 
 " Is it betraying, you call it ? Sure, when I found I 
 wan't able to keep it myself, didn't I do well to tell it to 
 somebody in whose ability I had more confidence than in 
 my own ? " 
 
 A certain lord always inquired as to the religious and po- 
 litical faith of persons whom he employed in his domestic 
 service before engaging them. While residing on his Irish 
 estates, a groom presented himself to be hired, resolving 
 beforehand not to compromise himself by any inconsiderate 
 replies. 
 
 " What are your opinions ?" was the peer's first demand, 
 
 "Indeed then, your Lordship's Honor, I have just none 
 at all, at all." 
 
 " Not any ? Nonsense ! You must have some ; and I 
 insist upon knowing them." 
 
 " Why, then, your Honor's glory, they are just the same 
 as your lordship's." 
 
 " Then you can have no objection to state them, and to 
 confess frankly what is your way of thinking." 
 
 " Och ! and is it my way of thinking you mane by my 
 opinion ? Why, then, I am exactly the same way of think- 
 ing as Pat Sullivan, your Honor's gamekeeper; for says he 
 to me as I was coming up stairs, ' Murphy,' says he, ' I'm 
 thinking you'll never be paying me the two and twenty shil- 
 lings I lent you last Christmas a twelvemonth.' — ' Indade, 
 says I, ' Pat Sullivan, I'm quite your way of thinking.' " 
 
 Two young Irishmen, thinking to cheapen their expenses, 
 agreed that one should board, and the other should lodge.
 
 IRISH WIT AND BLUNDERS. 195 
 
 An Irishman thought that people must like to be buried 
 in a certain churchyard, because it was such a healthy place. 
 
 " Is Biddy afraid of work ? " inquired a gentleman of a 
 lady whom Biddy had served. 
 
 " No," was the lady's reply : " she can lie down and 
 sleep by it." 
 
 An Irishman, whose brother was a priest, being asked, 
 " Has your brother a living ? " replied, " No." 
 " How, then, does he employ himself?" 
 " He says mass in the morning." 
 " What does he do in the evening ? " 
 " In the evening, he doiiH know what he sai/s." 
 
 " Patrick," said a lying acquaintance, " did you ever hear 
 this story before ? " 
 
 " No," said Patrick : « did you ? » •* 
 
 An unwelcome visitor to a certain house found, at the 
 time of one of his calls, no one at home but Bridget. The 
 following conversation passed between the two : — 
 
 " Where is your master ? " 
 
 " He's gone out." , 
 
 " Where is your mistress ? " 
 
 " She's gone out." 
 
 " Well, as I'm somewhat chilly, I'll step in and warm." 
 
 Bridget's reply was, "The fire has gone out also." 
 
 An Irishman said that a friend of his had died suddenly. 
 " Did he live high ? " lie was askcul. 
 
 "I can't say as to that," replied Mike.; "but lie died 
 high. He VfiVi suspended from the gallows!" 
 
 An Irishman, reduced by sickness, occasionally stopped
 
 196 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 breathing for a short time. When awake, his attendant 
 asked him, "An' how'll we know, Jemmy, when you're 
 dead ? You're afther wakin' up ivery time." 
 
 " Bring me a glass of grog, an' say to me, * Here's till ye. 
 Jemmy ! ' an', if I don't rise up and dhrink, then bury me." 
 
 An Irish couple called upon a Protestant clergyman in 
 New Bedford late one evening, and asked him to marry 
 them. Addressing the man, the clergyman said, — 
 
 " Why do you not go to the priest ? " 
 
 " We have been to him," said Mike ; " and he refused to 
 marry us, and tould us to go to the Devil ; and we have 
 come to you." 
 
 Two Irishmen were in prison, — the one for stealing a 
 cow, and the other for stealing a watch. 
 
 " Hallo, Mike ! what o'clock is it ? " said the cow-stealer 
 to the other. '-^ 
 
 "And sure, Pat, I haven't a time-piece handy; but I 
 think it is most milking-time." 
 
 "A man whp'U maliciously set fire to a barn," said an 
 Irishman, " ought to be kicked to death by a donkey ; and 
 I'd like to be the one to do it myself." 
 
 An unmarried Irishman seeing the words, " Families sup- 
 plied," over the door of a shop, stepped in, and said he 
 would take a wife and two children. 
 
 A Disorderly Irish Meeting. — " Order ! " cried a 
 voice in authority. 
 
 " Order any thing you plaze, sir ! " said a voice in the crowd. 
 
 " Whiskey ! " cried one. 
 
 " Porther ! " shouted another. 
 
 " Tabbakky ! " roared a third.
 
 IRISH WIT AND BLUNDERS. 197 
 
 " I must insist on silence ! " cried the sheriff in a very 
 husky voice. " Silence, or I'll have the court-house cleared ! " 
 ^" If you cleared your own throat it would be betther," 
 said a wag in the crowd. 
 
 A laugh followed : the sheriff felt the hit, and was silent. 
 
 Two Irishmen fought a duel, one of whom fired both 
 of his pistols before his antagonist fired either of his; the 
 latter falling wounded. The former, fearing his antagonist 
 might rise and take his life, fled from his post with all pos- 
 sible haste. Jemmy Moffit, his own second, followed after, 
 overtook and stopped him, calling him a coward. 
 
 " By my sowl," returned he^ " my dear Jemmy Moffit, 
 maybe so : you may call me a coward if you plaze ; but I 
 did it all for the best." 
 
 " The best, you coward ? " 
 
 ** Yes ; sure it's betther to be a coward than a corpse ; and 
 I must have been either one or t'other of them." 
 
 An Hibernian traveller, expressing how cheering and 
 comfortable roads are made by mile-stones, suggests that it 
 would be a great improvement if they were nearer each other. 
 
 An Irish footman, having carried a basket of game from 
 his master to a friend, waiting considerable time for the cus- 
 tomary fee, and none being offered, scratched his head, and 
 said, "Sir, if my master should say, 'Faddy, what did the gen- 
 tleman give you?' what would your Honor have mo tell him?" 
 
 A person was boasting that ho was sprung from a high 
 family in Ireland. "Yes," said a bystander: "I have seen 
 some of the same family so high, that their feet could not 
 touch tlic (jroundP 
 
 An Irish gentleman, being visited by a friend of his, was
 
 198 MIRTHFULNESS. * 
 
 found a good deal ruffled, and, being asked the reason of it, 
 said he had lost a new pair of black silk stockings out of his 
 room, which cost him eighteen shillings ; but that he hoped 
 he should get them again, for he ordered them to be cried, 
 and offered a half-crown reward. His friend observed that 
 the reward was too little for such valuable stockings. 
 
 " Pho ! " said the Irishman : " I ordered the crier to say 
 they were worsted." 
 
 In a new-raised corps, a soldier lately observed to his com- 
 rade, who was an Irishman, that a corporal was to be dis- 
 missed from the regiment. 
 
 " Faith and indeed," replied the Irishman, " I hope it is 
 the corporal who is so troublesome in our company." 
 
 " What is his name ? " replied the other. 
 
 " Why, arrah, dear honey ! it's Corporal Punishment, sure." 
 
 An Irishman at an assize in Cork, being arraigned for 
 felon}' before Judge Monteney, was asked by whom he 
 would be tried. 
 
 " By no one," says he. 
 
 The jailer desired him to say, "By. God and his country." 
 
 "I'll not do it," says Paddy ; "for I don't like it at all, 
 at all, my dear." 
 
 " What's that you say, honest man ? " said the judge. 
 
 " See there, now ! " sajs the criminal. " His lordship, long 
 life to him ! calls me an honest man ; and why should I plead 
 guilty?" 
 
 " What do you say ? " replied the judge in an authorita- 
 tive voice. 
 
 " I say, my lord, I won't be tried by God at all ; for he 
 knows all about the matter: but I will be tried by your 
 lordship and my country." 
 
 "Do not send for Dr. S ," said Capt. O'Neal; "do
 
 IRISH WIT AND BLUNDERS. 199 
 
 not send for Dr. S : for he once attended a young offi- 
 cer of our regiment; and, upon my conscience, be stuffed 
 tlie poor lad so unmercifully with potions and draughts, that 
 he continued sick for a fortnight after he was well entirely." 
 
 " Patrick, do you know the fate of the drunkard ? " 
 
 " Fate ? Don't I stand upon the most beautiful pair you 
 
 ever seen ? " 
 
 A poor Irishman was one day bragging to his friends that 
 the king had spoken to him. On being asked what his 
 ^Majesty said to him, he replied, " Arrah, my dear honey ! he 
 only axed me to get out of the way." 
 
 In a Limerick paper, an Irish gentleman, whose lady 
 had absconded from him, thus cautions the public against 
 trusting her : " My wife has eloped from me without rhyme 
 or reason ; and I desire no one to trust her on my account, 
 for I am not married to her ! " 
 
 An Irish clergyman, having gone to visit the portraits 
 of the Scottish kings in Ilolyrood House, observed one of 
 the monarchs of a very youthful appearance ; whilst his son 
 was depicted with a long beard, and wore the traits of 
 e:^treme old age. *'<Sa?irfa JJ/an'a ,'" exclaimed the good 
 Hibernian, " is it possible that this gentleman was an old 
 man when his fatueu was born ? " 
 
 A biography of Robespierre, in an Irish paper, concludes 
 thus: "This extraordinary man left no children behind 
 him except his brother, who was killed at the same time." 
 
 " Do you know Tom Duffy, I'at ? " 
 
 " Know biin, is it ? " said Pat. " Sure he's a near relation 
 of mine : ho once wanted to marry my sister Kate."
 
 200 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 A Dublin paper contained the following paragraph: 
 " Yesterday, Mr, Kenny, returning to town, fell down and 
 hroh& his neck, but happily received no further damage." 
 
 An ignorant Irishman, sejeing persons reading with spec- 
 tacles, went to buy a pair to enable himself to read. He 
 tried several pair, and told the merchant he could not read 
 with any of them. 
 
 " Can you read at all ? " asked the merchant. 
 
 " No," was the reply : " if I could, do you think I would 
 be such a fool as to buy spectacles ? " 
 
 An Irish stone-mason was employed to engrave the fol- 
 lowing epitaph on a tradesman's wife : — 
 
 " A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband." The 
 stone, however, being narrow, he contracted the sentence in 
 the following manner : " A virtuous woman is 5s. to her 
 husband." 
 
 A person asked an Irishman why he wore his stockings 
 the wrong side outwards ; who answered, because there was 
 a hole on the other side. 
 
 A poor Irishman was brought before a magistrate as a 
 
 common vagrant. The justice asked him what brought him 
 
 over to this country. 
 "A ship, your Honor." 
 " A ship, you impertinent fellow ! How do you get your 
 
 living ? " 
 
 " By my hands, your Honor : I am a hay-maker." 
 
 "And how long have you been out of employ?" 
 
 " Plaze your Honor, our trade has been rather dull all this 
 
 winter." 
 
 Jack Banister, praising the hospitality of the Irish after
 
 IRISH WIT AND BLXHSTDERS. 201 
 
 his return from one of his trips to the sister kingdom, was 
 asked if he had been in Cork. 
 
 " No," replied the wit j " but I saw a great many draw- 
 ings of it." 
 
 " Patrick, are you asleep ? 
 
 " And why are ye asking me that ? " 
 
 " Why, if yer awake, I'm afther borrowing a dollar of ye." 
 
 " Be done bothering me so ! I'm fast asleep, — sure I am." 
 
 " Now, Patrick," said a judge, " what do you say to the 
 charge ? Are you guilty, or not guilty ? " 
 
 " Faith ! but that's difficult for yer Honor to ax, let alone 
 meself. Wait till I hear the evidence." 
 
 An Irish drummer, who now and then indulged in a glass 
 or two, was accosted by the inspecting -general, "What 
 makes your face look so red ? " 
 
 " Plase your Honor," said Pat, " I always blush when I 
 spake to a general officer." 
 
 A tall Hibernian gentleman entered the office of'a writ- 
 ing-master, and inquired the price of a "saison at writin'." 
 
 " I charge twenty-five dollars for the first month, twenty 
 dollars for the second, and fifteen dollars for the third," was 
 the rojily. 
 
 " Then, sir, you'll be kind enough to put me down on yer 
 list as a scholar fur the third month as a commencement," 
 said the customer. 
 
 " Here, you fellow ! " said a dandy to an Irish laborer, 
 " come, tell me the biggest lie you ever told in your life, 
 and I'll treat you to a whitikey-punch." 
 
 "An' by my sowl," quickly retorted Pat, "yer Honor is a 
 gentleman."
 
 202 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 An Irish laborer plunged into a river, and rescued a man 
 from drowning. The gentleman rewarded Pat with a six- 
 pence. 
 
 " Well," said the drowning miser, seeing the Irishman's 
 doubting position : " ain't you satisfied ? Do you think you 
 ought to have more ? " 
 
 " Och ! " answered the Hibernian, looking hard at the man 
 he had rescued, " I think I'm overpaid" 
 
 " Did your fall hurt you ? " asked one Irishman of another 
 who had fallen from a three-story building. 
 
 "Not in the laste, honey," replied the other; "but it was 
 stopping so quick that injured me." 
 
 A gentleman who had conferred a favor upon an Irish- 
 man was thus addressed by him : — 
 
 " Long life to you, sir ! With the blessing of God, may 
 you live to eat the hen that scratches the gravel on your 
 grave ! " 
 
 A son of Erin stole some money from his priest, and went 
 
 to him for confession. He frankly told the priest what he 
 
 had done, and asked him what he should do in the case. 
 
 The priest told him he must confess, and restore the money 
 
 to its rightful owner. 
 
 " But suppose he won't take it ? " said Pat. 
 
 " Then keep it yourself, and appropriate it to your own 
 
 use." 
 
 " But won't you take the money, sir ? " 
 
 " Oh, no ! " said the priest. " I don't want it." 
 
 " I'm greatly obliged to your Eeverence," said Pat, " for 
 
 authority to keep this nice little sum, which I stole from 
 
 yourself" 
 
 A citizen of Ireland went to his religious teacher for con-
 
 IRISH "SVIT AND BLUNDERS. 203 
 
 fession, aud confessed that he was the vilest man on earth. 
 He had never done any good, had broken every command- 
 ment in the decalogue, and had committed every sin in the 
 calendar. The priest asked him to think over his entire 
 life, and see if he could not find in it one good act. He 
 tried, and said it was of no use. The priest told him to try 
 again. On this trial he was successful ; and he proclaimed 
 his success by saying, "I kilt a ganger (an excise -man) 
 once ! " This worthy deed he thought ought to expiate for 
 a portion of his enormous guilt. 
 
 Near a depot were several Irish draymen. Thinking to 
 quiz them, a gentleman shouted to one, " Has the railroad 
 got in ? " 
 
 " One ind has, sir," was the prompt response. 
 
 "Pay me that six-and-eight-pence you owe me," said an 
 Irish attorney to one of his clients. 
 "For what?" . 
 
 " For the opinion you had of me." 
 " Faith, I never had any opinion of you in all my life." 
 
 An Irish girl told her forbidden lover she was longing to 
 possess his portrait, and intended to obtain it. 
 
 *' But how if your friends see it ? " inquired he. 
 
 "Ah! but I'll tell the artist not to make it like you: 80 
 they won't know it." 
 
 A fashionable Irish gentleman, driving a good deal about 
 Cheltenham, was observed to have the not very graceful 
 habit of lulling his tongue out as he went along. Curran, 
 who was there, was asked what he thought could bo his 
 countryman's motive for giving the instrument of eloquence 
 8uch an airing. 
 
 " Oh ! " said he, " he's trying to catch the English accent."
 
 204 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 MurpTiy was asked why it was so difficult to waken him 
 in the morning. 
 
 " Indeed, master, it's because of your own advice, — al- 
 ways to attend to what I'm about. So, whenever I sleeps, 
 I pays attintion to it." 
 
 An Irish sentinel on duty was so furiously assailed by a 
 dog, that, to escape inevitable damage from his powerful 
 fangs, he shot the animal. The dog belonged to an officer 
 of the garrison, who severely rebuked the soldier, telling 
 him that he might surely be satisfied by taking the but-end 
 of his musket to defend himself" 
 
 *'■ And so I would have done, yer Honor, had he run at me 
 wid his tail." 
 
 An Irishman told his friend that he had defended him, 
 the night before, against the abuse of his enemy. 
 
 " What did the scoundrel say of me ? " said his friend. 
 
 " He said you were not fit to carry garbage to a bear." 
 
 "Did he? I am glad you were there to defend me. 
 What did you say ? " 
 
 " Why, of course, I contradicted him in the flattest terms, 
 and silenced him in a minute ; for I declared most confidently 
 that you were" 
 
 An Irish vagrant, being arraigned before a magistrate on 
 a petty offence, was thus addressed by the latter: "Ah, 
 sir ! I see what you are : I see the rogue in your face." 
 
 "Indeed, your Worship," said the prisoner, "I didn't 
 know afore that my face was a looking-glass." 
 
 An Irish lady desirous of saving a choice table-beer, the 
 merits of which her servants had discovered, said to her 
 butler, " Daly, what think you will be the best way of sav- 
 ing this nice beer as much as possible ? It is so unusu-
 
 IRISH WIT AND Bl^FNDERS. 205 
 
 ally fine and nice, that I should like it to last a good 
 while." 
 
 " Why, madam," replied the well-fed functionary, " I raly 
 don't think you could do better than place a barrel of good 
 strong ale close by the side of it." 
 
 On a dark, cold night, the matron of a well-known insti- 
 tution in the metropolis was aroused from her sleep by very 
 loud and continued knocking at the door. She put her 
 head out of the window, and inquired who was there at so 
 unseasonable an hour. 
 
 " An' sure, ma'am, it's mysilf it is," replied the plaintive 
 voice of an Irishman ; " it's mysilf that's wantin' shelter 
 till mornin' : for I'm cowld and hungry ; and sure it's a 
 dacent Christian like you that'll be after letting me in." 
 
 " Go away, go away ! " said the embarrassed matron : 
 " this is no place for you. Get away, I say ! For shame 
 of you, coming here ! This is the Lying-in Hospital ! " 
 
 "Oh, indeed! — thin," replied the poor fellow, " it's the 
 very place for me; for I've been lying out these three 
 nights ! " 
 
 Jonathan and his friend Paddy riding together past an 
 old gallows, the former attempted to be witty at the expense 
 of the latter. " You see that, I calculate," said Jonathan, 
 morally, pointing to the object just mentioned. "And now 
 where would you be if the gallows had its due ? " 
 
 " Riding alone," coolly replied Paddy. 
 
 Murphy being asked whether the infant child of his mar- 
 ried Hister, born the night before, was a boy or a girl, re- 
 plied, that he hadn't ascertained whether he was an uncle 
 or an aunt. 
 
 An Irish woman api>lied at the door of a wealthy huly
 
 206 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 for a "trifle of charity," and was told by tKe lady to go 
 away, as it was against her rule to give to beggars at the 
 door. 
 
 " Oh ! then, ma'am," replied the poor creature, courtesy- 
 ing, " I'll be after stepping into the hall, if you plase ; " 
 and, suiting the action to the word, she stepped over the 
 threshold. This so pleased the lady as to influence her to 
 depart from her rule. 
 
 Two sons of Erin met, and shook hands very cordially, 
 supposing they knew each other : but both soon discovered 
 their mistake ; when one said, " I thought it was you, 
 and you thought it was me ; but, indade, it is neither of 
 us." 
 
 A clergyman met an Irish section-hand in a railroad 
 depot one very cold morning, and said to him, " Patrick, did 
 you take an extra cup of coffee this morning to keep you 
 warm ? " 
 
 " I took something stronger than coffee, your Riverence," 
 was his reply. 
 
 " What ? " said the clergyman. 
 
 "Rum," said Patrick. 
 
 " Patrick ! I am very sorry you drink rum ; for it is a 
 slow poison." 
 
 " Oh, yes ! your Reverence ; verT/ slow indade : a man will 
 live a lang time on it." 
 
 Father Hecker, the Catholic revival-preacher, numbered 
 among his converts a reformed inebriate whom he regarded 
 both a sober and a religious man. This convert knew the 
 confessor closed his address to the penitent with the lan- 
 guage, " God bless you ! I forgive you." A little while after 
 his conversion was regarded complete, he became intoxi- 
 cated, and in that state called upon Father Hecker, who
 
 IRISH WIT AND BLUNDERS. 207 
 
 met him at his door, and, perceiving his condition, started 
 back, and exchiimed, " I am sorry, sorry, sorry I " 
 • " Are you indeed truly sorry. Father Hecker ? " said the % 
 fallen convert. 
 
 " Yes, I am," said the priest. 
 
 " Well," said the other, " God bless you I I forgive 
 you?' 
 
 A very hungry Irishman stepped into a jeweller's shop 
 just before the owner went to his sumptuous dinner, and 
 a-sked hira what he could afford to give for a piece of pure 
 gold about the size of a brick. The jeweller, thinking hero 
 was a chance for a good bargain, invited Paddy to dine with 
 him. Paddy modestly assented to the projjosal, enjoyed a 
 dinner such as he had not tasted for months, kept pace with 
 his host in giving judgment on the wine, and then begged 
 to retire. 
 
 " But about the piece of gold, sir, the piece about the size 
 of a brick, you named in the .shop ? " 
 
 "Oh, ay!" said Paddy, "that's thrue ; I'd almost forgot- 
 ten it : but I just wanted to know, sir, how much you could 
 give for it, supposing I should ever be after finding such a 
 thing." 
 
 An Iri.«h tailor, having made a gentleman's coat and vest 
 too small, wa.s requested to let them out. Some days after, 
 the gentleman called for his clothes, and was told by the 
 tailor that he had let out his coat and vest to a countryman 
 of his, whom they fitted, at a shilling a week. 
 
 An Irishman had worked for two brothers, John and 
 James, a farmer and a lawyer. Being asked his opinion . 
 of the two men, ho replied, "3Iister John is one of the 
 most nicest, the most lioncstest, and the most clovorcstost 
 men in the whole town ; and thr-y are not at all alike."
 
 208 MIKTHFULNESS. 
 
 The late James T. Brady was very fond of the ready 
 natural wit of his countrymen. One day, speaking of this 
 # to a friend, he said, " I'll just show you a sample. I'll 
 speak to any of these men at work ; and you'll see that I 
 will get my answer." Stepping up to the men who were at 
 work on a cellar near by, he spoke to them cheerfully. 
 " Good day, good day to you, boys. That looks like hard 
 work for you." 
 
 *' Faix an' it is," was the answer, " or we wouldn't be 
 havin' the doin' of it." 
 
 Pleased with this, he asked the man what part of Ireland 
 he came from. 
 
 " Ah ! " said Brady on hearing the name, " I came from 
 that region myself." 
 
 "Yis," said the man, with another blow of his pick, 
 " there was many nice people in that place ; but I never 
 heard that any of them left it." 
 
 An Irishman called in great haste upon Dr. Abernethy, 
 stating, " My boy Tim has swallowed a mouse." 
 
 " Then," said Abernethy, " tell your boy Tim to swallow 
 a cat." 
 
 An Irishman, in passing through the street, picked up a 
 light guinea, which he was obliged to sell for eighteen shil- 
 lings. Next day, he saw another guinea lying in the street. 
 " No, no," says he : " I'll have nothing to do with you. I 
 lost three shillings by one like you yesterday." 
 
 An Irish soldier who came over with Gen. Moore, being 
 asked if he met with much hospitality in Holland, — " Oh, 
 yes ! " he replied : " too much. I was in the hospital almost 
 all the time I was there." . 
 
 An Irish student was once asked what was meant by
 
 IRISH WIT AND BLUNDERS. 209 
 
 posthumous works. " They are such works," says Paddy, 
 " as a man writes after he is dead." 
 
 An Irishman, being asked why he fled from his colors, 
 said his heart was as good as any man's in the regiment ; 
 but he protested his cowardly legs would run away with 
 him, whatever he could do. 
 
 Sir Boyle Koch rose one day in the Irish House of Com- 
 mons, and remarked, "Mr. Speaker, the progress of the 
 times is such, that little children who can neither walk 
 nor talk may be seen running about the streets cursing 
 their Maker." 
 
 An Irishman called into a store, and priced a pair of 
 gloves. He was told the price was ten shillings. " Och, 
 by my soul, thin," says he, "I'd sooner my hands would 
 go barefoot than pay that price for 'em ! " 
 
 An Irish lawyer addressed the court as " Gentlemen," 
 instead of "Your Honors." After he had concluded, a 
 brother of the bar reminded him of his error. He imme- 
 diately arose to apologize thus : " May it please the Coort, 
 in the hate of debate, I called your Honors ycntlemen. I 
 made a mistake, your Honors." The gentleman sat down, 
 and the Court was doubtless satislied with the explana- 
 tion. 
 
 A gentleman, travelling on horseback "down East," 
 came ujion an Irishman who was fencing in a most barren 
 and dew)late piece of land. " What are you fencing in tliat 
 lot for, Pat?" said he. "A licrd of cows would starve to 
 death on tha^ land." 
 
 "And sure, your Honor, waJrCt I fcncuig it to keep the 
 poor beasts out uv it.^* 
 
 14
 
 210 MIRTHFTJLNESS. 
 
 " Mike, why don't you fire at those ducks ? Don't you 
 see you have got the whole flock before your gun ? " 
 
 " I know I have ; but, when I get good aim at one, two 
 or thrSe others will swim right betwixt it and me." 
 
 An Englishman, travelling in Kilkenny, came to a ford, 
 and hired a boat to take him across. The water being 
 more agitated than was agreeable to him, he asked the 
 boatman if any person was ever lost in the passage. " Nev- 
 er," replied Pat. " My brother was drowned here last week ; 
 but we found him again the next day." 
 
 A lady, mdlling a girl who had lately left her service, 
 inquired, " Well, Mary, where do you live now ? " . 
 
 " Please, ma'am, I dpn't live now^'' replied the girl : " I'm 
 married." 
 
 An Irish gentleman was recommended to a bill-broker 
 for a discount. The broker looked at the acceptance, and, 
 as usual, started some difficulties. "It has," he said, "a 
 great many days to run, as you see, sir." 
 
 " That's very true," replied the gentleman ; " but I beg 
 you to observe that they are the shortest in the year." 
 
 "I see the villain in your face," said a Western judge to 
 an Irish prisoner. 
 
 " May't plaze your Worship," said Pat, " that must be a 
 personal reflection, sure." 
 
 The wife of an Irish gentleman being suddenly taken ill, 
 the husband ordered a servant to get a horse ready to go 
 for a doctor. By the time, however, that the horce was 
 ready, and the note to the doctor written, the lady had 
 recovered ; on which he added the following postscript, and 
 sent the servant off: "My wife having recovered, you need 
 not come."
 
 IRISH WIT AND BLUNDERS. 211 
 
 A butcher was lamenting to his Irish landlord that the 
 people of his village were so few and so poor, that he was 
 unable, as formerly, to find customers for a , whole bullock. 
 " Kill half a one at a time," replied the squire. 
 
 An Irishman was asked if his horse was timid. "Not 
 at all," said he : " he frequently spends the whole night by 
 himself in a dark stable." 
 
 There is a celebrated reply of Mr. Curran to a remark 
 of Lord Clare, who curtly exclaimed to one of his legal 
 positions, " Oh ! if that be law, Mr. Curran, I may burn my 
 law-books." 
 
 "Better read them, my lord," was the sarcastic and 
 appropriate rejoinder. 
 
 A man carrying a cradle was stopped by an old woman, 
 and thus accosted : " So, sir, you have got some of the fruits 
 of matrimony ? " 
 
 "Softly, old lady!" said he. "You mistake: this is 
 merely the fruit-basket." 
 
 A chimney-sweeper's boy went into a baker's shop for a 
 twopenny loaf, and, conceiving it to be diminutive in size, 
 remarked to the baker that he did not believe it was weight, 
 "Never mind that," said the man of dough: " you will have 
 the less to carry." 
 
 " True," replied the lad, and, throwing three half-pence 
 on the counter, left the 8h(>[). The baker called after him 
 that lie hiul not left money enough. "Never mind that," 
 saitl young .so<^)ty : " you will have the less to count." 
 
 After a battle between two celebrated pugilists, an Irish- 
 man miwlo his way to the chaise whore the one who had lost 
 the battle had been conveyed, and said to him, " llow are
 
 212 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 you, my good fellow ? Can you see at all with the eye that 
 is knocked out ? " 
 
 One Irishman, meeting another, aske'd what was hecome 
 of their old acquaintance, Patrick Murphy. 
 
 " Arrah, now, dear honey ! " answered the other, " poor 
 Pat was condemned to be hanged ; but he saved his life by 
 dying in prison." 
 
 An Irish colonel of a volunteer corps, who had long 
 been a confirmed bachelor, excited much pleasantry by 
 haranguing his men, " Gentlemen, we are all assembled this 
 day to defend our wives and children." 
 
 An Irishman, who was talking in rather ambiguous terms 
 about the sudden death of his paternal relative, was asked 
 if he had lived high. 
 
 " WeU, I can't say he did," said Terence ; " but he died 
 ■high." 
 
 " Why, what do you mean ? " 
 
 " Faith, I mean, that, like the habeus-corpus act, he was 
 suspended." 
 
 An Irishman, being on a visit to some relatives a little 
 more polished than himself, was requested, on going to bed, 
 to be careful to extinguish the candle. He was obliged to 
 ask the meaning of the word ; when he was told it was to 
 put it out. He treasured up the term ; and one day, when 
 he was sitting at home in his cabin with his wife, enjoying 
 his " praties " and buttermilk, on the pig unceremoniously 
 walking in, he said, proud of his bit of learning, "Judy, 
 dear, will you extinguish the pig?" 
 
 " Arrah, then, Pat, honey ! what do you mane ? " inquired 
 Judy. 
 
 " Musha, then, you ignorant creature ! " replied Pat, " it 
 manes put him out, to be sure."
 
 IRISH -WTT AND BLUSTDERS. 213 
 
 An Irish recruit was asked by his officer, " What's your 
 height ? " to which Pat replied, — 
 
 " The man that measured me told me it was five foot 
 ten, or ten foot five : I. am not exactly sure which ; hut it 
 was either one or the other." 
 
 *' Ireland's cup of misery," said an orator, " has been for 
 ages overflowed ; and it seems to be not yet full ! " 
 
 An Englishman paying an Irish shoe-black with rude- 
 ness, the dirty urchin, but a wit, said, — 
 
 'Oly honey, all the polish you have is on your boots ; and 
 I gave it to you." 
 
 " Why, Bridget, you have baked this bread to a crisp ! " 
 "An' sure, my lady, I only baked it three hours, accord- 
 ing to resaite." 
 
 " Three hours ! Why, the recipe said but one." 
 " Yes, mem ; one hour for a large loaf, and 1 had three 
 small ones ; and so I baked 'em three hours jist." 
 
 " Dennis, darlint, och, Dennis, what is it you're doing ? " 
 "Whisht, Biddy! I'se trying an experiment." 
 " ^rurther ! what is it ? " 
 
 "What is it, did you say? Why, it's giving hot water to 
 the chickens I am, so they'll be after laying boiled eggsP 
 
 In a Dublin newspaper appears the following passage: 
 "A number of deaths are unavoidably postponed." 
 
 An Irishman, on being a-sked which was oldest, he or his 
 brother, rfplicd, " I am the oldest ; but if my brother lives 
 three yearn, wo shall be lx)th of im age." 
 
 "I find there are half a dozen partridges in the lot-
 
 214 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 ter," said a gentleman to his Irisli servant; who re- 
 plied, — 
 
 " Sir, I am glad you have found them in the letter; for 
 they all flew out of the basket" 
 
 " Is not one man as good as another ? " asked a Chartist, 
 who was contending for equal rights, &c. 
 
 " Sure he is," replied an Irishman ; " and a great deal 
 hetther" 
 
 "I say, Pat," said a Yankee to an Irishman who was 
 digging in his garden, " are you digging out a hole in that 
 onion-bed ? " 
 
 " No," says Pat : " I am digging out the earth, and leav- 
 ing the hole." 
 
 One of our eminent lawyers of Irish descent was engaged 
 some time since to defend an Irishman who had been charged 
 with theft. Assuming the prerogative of his position, the 
 counsel, in a private interview with his client, said to him, — 
 
 "Now, Patrick, as I am to defend you, I want you to 
 tell me frankly whether you are guilty or not. Did you 
 steal the goods ? " 
 
 "■ Faith, then," says Pat, " I 'spose I must tell yez. In 
 troth I did stale them." 
 
 " Then you ought to be ashamed of yourself to come 
 here and disgrace your country by stealing," said the hon- 
 est counsel. 
 
 " In troth, Mr. B , maybe I ought ; but then, if I 
 
 didnH stale, you wouldn't have the honor and credit of get- 
 tin' me off, d'ye see." 
 
 An Irishman, in speaking of a spell of sickness he had 
 had, said, "Be my faith, I laid spachless six weeks in the long 
 month of August, and all my cry was, ' Wather, wather ! ' "
 
 MISCELLANEOUS.
 
 MISCELLMEOUS. 
 
 INTER ESTTXP AND HUMOROUS EXTRACTS FROM THE LIFE 
 OF ISAAC T. HOPPER, BORN 1771, AND DIED 1852. 
 
 Mr. Hopper was a Friend Quaker, and was a distin- 
 guished aider of slaves in tlieir elibrts to escape South- 
 ern bondage. He was manifestly a genius ; and, although 
 precocious in early life, he enjoyed a vigorous old age, and 
 was distinguished from his childhood for his great love of 
 fun. 
 
 ^Vhen Isaac was five or six years old, he went out one 
 niglit with "Polly" — a faithful domestic, who served his 
 father's family some forty years — to see her milk the cow. 
 He had observed that the animal kicked upon slight provoca- 
 tion ; and, when the pail was nearly full, he broke a switch 
 from a tree near by, slipped round to the other side of the 
 cow, and tickled her bag. She instantly raised her heels, 
 and over went I'olly, milk-pail, stool, and all. Isaac ran 
 into the liou.se, laughing with all his might, to tell how the 
 cow had kicked over Tolly and the pail of milk. 
 
 lli.s mother went out immediately to see whetlu-r tin- girl 
 wa.s seriously ipjured. "0 mammy! that littli^ rogue 
 tickled the cow, and ma<le In r do it," exclaimed Polly. 
 Whereup<m Isaac hjul a spanking, and w:us sent to bed 
 without his supper. 
 
 P.ut .so great w.is bis love of fun, that, as he lay tln-ro 
 wakeful and hungry, he shoutt-d with lauglil«'r all alone by 
 
 217
 
 218 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 himself, thinking how droll Polly looked when she rolled 
 over, with her pail of milk after her. 
 
 When he was seven or eight years old, his uncle's wife 
 came one da}^ to the house on horseback. She was a fat, 
 clumsy woman, and got on and off her horse with difficulty. 
 Isaac saw her coming, and, knowing that all the family 
 were from home, let down the bars for her, and she rode up 
 to the horse-block, with which every farm-house was then 
 furnished, rolled off her horse, and went into the house. 
 She then discovered for the first time that no one was at 
 home. 
 
 After resting a while, she mounted to depart. But Isaac, 
 full of mischief, put the bars up so that she could not ride 
 out. In vain she coaxed and scolded and threatened. Find- 
 ing she could not prevail on the rogue to let down the bars, 
 she rode back to the block, and rolled from her horse, and 
 let the bars down herself While she waS remounting from 
 the block, the roguish boy put the bars up again ; and this 
 mischief was continued until the boy's parents came home, 
 and caught him in the midst of his frolic, and gave him a 
 severe flogging, which he willingly endured for the rare 
 sport he had enjoyed. 
 
 When at school, his teacher made the following rule : — 
 
 He should take all apples he saw in the hands of his pu- 
 pils in school-hours, and should place them on his desk, with 
 the agreement that any one might have them who could 
 succeed in taking them without being observed by him. 
 
 One day, when a large rosy-cheeked apple stood temj)t- 
 ingly on the desk, Isaac stepped up to have his pen mended. 
 While the pen was being mended, Isaac gazed earnestly 
 out of the window behind the desk. The teacher inquired 
 what he was looking at. He replied, — 
 
 "I am watching a flock of ducks trying to swim on the 
 ice. How queerly they waddle and slide about ! " 
 
 " Ducks swim on ice ! " exclaimed the schoolmaster j and
 
 ISAAC T. PIOPPER. 219 
 
 he turned to observe such an unusual spectacle. It was only 
 for an instant ; but the apple, meanwhile, was transferred 
 to the pocket of his cunning pupil. The master smik-d as 
 lie gave Isaac his pen, and said, "Ah, you rogue! you aro 
 always full of mischief" 
 
 Isaac was as precocious in love as in other clatters. Not 
 far from his home lived a prosperous and highly respecta- 
 ble Quaker family named Tatum. Sarah was an only 
 daughter of this family, and very amiable and handsome. 
 She was Isaac's second cousin. When he was only eight 
 yeai-s old, and she was not yet five, he made up his mind 
 that little Sarah Tatum was his wife, and from that time for- 
 ward her company was very attractive to him. When he 
 was fourteen years old, he wrote to her his first love-letter. 
 His education, although three years older, was not as good 
 as hers. He put her name inside the letter, and his own ou 
 the outside. Sarah told her young lover that was not the 
 correct way to write a letter, and instructed him how to 
 proceed in future. From that time they corresponded con 
 stantly. At the age of sixteen, he became an apprentice 
 in Philadelphia, where his boyish love of fun was exhib- 
 ited, greatly to the annoyance of his associates. One of 
 his fellow-apprentices, named William Roberts, proposed that 
 they should go together into the cellar to steal a pitcher 
 of cider. Isaac pulled the spile; and while William was 
 drawing the liquor, he took an unobserved opportunity to 
 liide it. When the pitcher was full, he pretended to Itjok 
 all around for it, witliout being able to find it. At last, ho 
 toll! his unsuspecting comrade that he must thrust his 
 finger into the hole and keep it there, wliilt- he went to get 
 another spile. William waited and waited for him (o n- 
 turn ; but when an hour or more hiul elapsed, his patience 
 wa.s exhausted, and he began to halloo. The noise, in- 
 stead of bringing Isaac to his assisfatKre, brouxbt the mis- 
 tress of the hou.se, who caught the culprit at the cider-bar-
 
 220 ' MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 rel, and gave him a severe scolding, to the infinite grati- 
 fication of his mischievous companion. * While Isaac was 
 an apprentice, he did not profess to he a Quaker. He used 
 the customary language of the world, and loved to display 
 his attractive figure in fashionable clothing. While he was 
 a favorite with the young ladies of his acquaintance, his 
 thoughts never wandered from Sarah Tatum as the chief 
 object of affection. Once, when he had a new suit of 
 clothes, and stylish boots, the tops turned down with red, a 
 young man of his acquaintance invited him to spend the 
 sabbath with him at his father's house. The invitation 
 was accepted. The young man had a sister, who imagined 
 that young Hopper had come to visit her. As soon as she 
 found herself alone with him Saturday night, she began to 
 specify in rather significant terms what she should require 
 of a man who wished to marry her. Her remarks made 
 Isaac rather fidgety ; but he replied in general terms, 
 that he thought her ideas on the subject were very cor- 
 rect. 
 
 " I suppose you think my father will give me considerable 
 money," said she ; " but that is a mistake. Whoever takes 
 me, must take me for myself alone." 
 
 Being unable to ward off this direct attack, and fearing 
 that he should find himself engaged to be married against 
 his will, he seized his hat ; and although it was raining 
 hard, he rushed from the house. Crossing the yard in 
 desperate haste, he encountered the brother of the young 
 lady from whom he had escaped, who called out to him, — 
 
 " Where are you going ? " 
 
 " Going home," exclaimed his astonished friend. 
 
 " Why, it is raining hard ; you came to stay all night. 
 What does possess you, Isaac ? Come back ! come back, 
 I say ! " 
 
 " I won't come back ! " shouted Isaac from the distance. 
 " I'm going home." And home he went, greatly to the
 
 ISAAC T. HOPPER. 221 
 
 injury of his new clothes and red-topped hoots ; hut he re- 
 garded Ills escape worth all it cost him. 
 
 In the course of time, Sarah Tatum became an attractive 
 young woman, and had many offers of marriage, hut re- 
 fused them all, clinging to Isaac, who first won her heart, 
 and whose wife she cheerfully became. When about twenty- 
 two years of age, Isaac was received into the Society of 
 Friends, from which time onward there was a marked 
 change in his religious character. His love of fun was no 
 longer allowed gratification at the expense of others. In 
 his efforts to protect the rights and redress the wrongs of 
 colore(l people. Friend Hopper had a zealous and faithful 
 ally in Thomas Harrison, also a member of the Society of 
 Friends. Thomas was a lively, bustling man, with a roguish 
 twinkle in his eye, and a humorous style of talking. Some 
 Friends, of more quiet temperaments than himself, thought 
 he had more activity than was consistent with dignity. 
 The}' reminded liim that Mary sat still at the feet of Jesus, 
 while Martha was " troubled about many things." 
 
 " All that is very well," replied Thomas ; " but Mary 
 would have had a late breakfast, after all, if it had not been 
 for Martha." 
 
 A man by tlie name of Daniel Goodwin, in the lower 
 part of Delaware, made a business of buying slaves run- 
 ning; taking the risk of losing the small sums paid for them 
 under such circumstances. In the year 180C, he purchased 
 in this way a slave named Ezekiel, familiarly cfilU-d 
 Z-'hi'. He went to Philadcl{)hia, and called on Isaac T. 
 Hopper; thiijving, if he knew wliere the man was, he would 
 be glad to have his freedom secured on moderate terms. 
 Wbile this speculator wa.s conversing with Mr. Hopi»er, a 
 colored man joined them, and listened to what was said 
 alxmt Zeko with special interest. Addressing Mr. Good- 
 win, the colored man told him ho was Zeke's brother; that 
 Z. was greatly demoralized, never would be worth any thing
 
 222 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 to him as a slave, and he had better abandon the search 
 of him. 
 
 G-oodwin urged the colored man to purchase his brother, 
 offering a variety of arguments why his proposal should be 
 accepted. Goodwin offered to give him a deed, insuring 
 Zeke's freedom for one hundred and fifty dollars. 
 
 " Poh ! poll ! " exclaimed the colored man. " I tell you 
 Zeke will never be worth a cent to you or anybody else. A 
 hundred and fifty dollars indeed ! " 
 
 Finally Goodwin said he would yield his claim to Zeke 
 for sixty dollars. The colored man went out, and soon re- 
 turned with the money. Isaac T. Hopper drew up a deed 
 of manumission, in wliich the purchaser requested him to 
 insert that Zeke was now commonly called Samuel Johnson. 
 The money was paid, and the deed signed with all neces- 
 sary formalities. When the business was entirely completed, 
 the colored man said, " Zeke is now free, is he ? " 
 
 When Mr. Goodwin answered, "Yes," he turned to 
 Friend Hopper, and repeated the question : " Zeke is free, 
 and nobody can take him, can they, Mr. Hopper ? If he 
 were here, he would be in no danger, would he ? " 
 
 Friend Hopper replied, " Wherever Zeke may now be, I 
 assure thee he is free." 
 
 Being thus assured, the black man made a low bow, and, 
 with a droll expression of countenance, said, — 
 
 " I hope you are very well, Mr. Goodwin. I am happy 
 to see you, sir. I am Zeke ! " 
 
 The speculator, finding himself thus outwitted, flew into 
 a violent rage. He seized Zeke hy the collar, and began 
 to threaten and abuse him. But the colored man shook his 
 fist at him, and said, — 
 
 "If 3'^ou don't let me go, Mr. Goodwin, I'll knock yon 
 down. I'm a free citizen of these United States; and* I 
 won't be insulted in this way by anybody." 
 
 Friend Hopper interfered between them, and Mr. Good-
 
 ISAAC T. HOPPER. 223 
 
 win agreed to go before a magistrate to have the case ex- 
 amined. When the particuhirs had been recounted, the 
 magistrate answered, '' You have been outwitted, sir. Zeke 
 is now as free as any man in this room." 
 
 A slave escaped from Col. Ridgely, who resided in the 
 southern part of Virginia, and went to Philadelphia, where 
 he remained several years undiscovered, and accumulated 
 some propert}'. Wishing to purchase his freedom, he ap- 
 plied to Friend Hopper to negotiate with his master for the 
 accomplishment of this object. A negotiation was opened 
 with Col. Ridgely, who agreed to take two hundred dol- 
 lars for the fugitive, and appointed a time to come to Phila- 
 deljihia to arrange the business. But, instead of keeping 
 Lis agreement honorably, he went to that city several weeks 
 before the appointed time, and seized his slave, and took him 
 to Friend ILjppcr's office, where he refused tlie two hundred 
 dollars he had agreed to take, saying he was the best ser- 
 vant he ever had, and that he could sell him for a thousand 
 dollars in Virginia. 
 
 " Under present circumstances," said Col. Eidgely, 
 "I will take five hundred dollars for him, and not one cent 
 less." 
 
 Friend Hopper asked that the bondman might remain 
 with him until ten o'clock the next day, for the purpose of 
 ascertaining whether the five hundred dollars could be raised 
 for his manumission. Friend Hopper propo.sed to give hi.s 
 WNtt<'n obligation that the slave should be j)resent at ten 
 o'clock the next day, and should b(> surrendered to his ma.s- 
 ter if the money was not raised for his manumission. This 
 was agreed to by Col. Kidgely. The obligaticju was given, 
 and the cclonel departed, leaving his slave in the possession 
 of Friend Hopper. 
 
 After the master was gone, }>\r. lloiipersaid to llie alarmed 
 fiitritive, "There now re^nains but one way for thee to 
 obtain thy freedom. As to raising five hundred dollars,
 
 224 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 that is out of the question. Thy master will come here 
 to-morrow at ten o'clock, according to appointment. I must 
 deliver thee up to him, and receive hack the obligation for 
 one thousand dollars, which I have given him. Do thou 
 stand with thy hack against the door which opens from this 
 room into the parlor. When he has returned the paper to 
 me, open the door quickly, lock it on the inside, and run 
 through the parlor into the back yard. There is a wall there 
 eight feet high, with spikes at the top. Thou wilt find a 
 clothes-horse leaning against it, to help thee up. When 
 thou hast mounted, kick the clothes-horse down behind 
 thee, drop on the other side of the wall, and be off," 
 
 The premises were then shown to him, and he received 
 minute directions through what alleys and streets he had 
 better pass, and at what house he could find a temporary 
 refuge. 
 
 Col. Ridgely came the next morning at the appointed 
 hour, and brought a friend to stand sentinel at the street 
 door, lest the slave should attempt to rush out. It did not 
 occur to him that there was any danger of his rushing in. 
 
 " We have not been able to raise the five hundred dollars," 
 said Friend Hopper; "and here is thy man according to 
 agreement." 
 
 The colonel gave back his obligation for one thousand dol- 
 lars ; and the instant it left his hand, the fugitive passed into 
 the parlor. The master sprang over the counter after him, 
 but found the door locked. Before he could get to the back 
 3'ard by another door, the wall was scaled, the clothes-horse 
 thrown down, and the fugitive beyond his reach. The colo- 
 nel returned greatly enraged, declaring that a trick had 
 been played upon him purposely. After he had given vent 
 to his anger some little time, Friend Hopper asked for a 
 private interview with him. When they were alone to- 
 gether in the parlor, he said, "I- admit this was an inten- 
 tional trick, but I had what seemed to me good reasons for
 
 ISAAC T. HOPPER. 225 
 
 resorting to it. In the first place, thou didst not keep the 
 agreement made with me, but sought to gain an unfair 
 advantage. In the next place, I knew that man was thy 
 own son, and I think any person who is so unfeeling as to 
 make traffic of his own flesh and blood deserves to be tricked 
 out of the chance to do it." 
 
 " What if he is my son ? " rejoined the Virginian. " I've 
 as good a right to sell my own flesh and blood as that of 
 any other person. If I choose to do it, it is none of j'our 
 business." 
 
 He opened the door, and beckoning to his friend, who was 
 in waiting, he said, " Hopper admits this was all a trick to 
 set the slave free." Then turning to Friend Hopper, he 
 added, "You admit it was a trick, don't you? " 
 
 "Thou and I will talk that matter over by ourselves," he 
 replied. " The presence of a third person is not always 
 convenient." 
 
 The colonel went off in a violent passion, and entering 
 the houses of several colored families, in pursuit of his slave, 
 he did considerable damage to person and property, for 
 which complaints were entered against him in the courts. 
 Not finding the object of his pursuit, he returned to Friend 
 Hopper, and informed him that he would give a deed of 
 manumission lor two hundred dollars; but his offer was 
 rejected. 
 
 "Why, that was your proposal ["vociferated the«colonel. 
 
 " Very true," he n-i)li('d ; " and I offered thee the money, 
 but thou refnsfd to tak<' it." 
 
 After .storming a while, the enraged master wi;nt ftjr legal 
 atlvice. Meanwhile, several colored people lia*l entered a 
 complaint against him for personal abuse, and damagi' done 
 their furniture. Acting under the advice of his lawyer, the 
 colonel proposed to manumit liis slave for one hiiii<lred and 
 fifty dollar.4. The pri)i>OKal was accepted, and tlie money 
 promptly paid by the slave from his own earnings. Tho
 
 226 mirthfuln:ess. 
 
 lawyer had encouraged his client to believe that the suits 
 for assault and battery against him would be withdrawn, 
 and asked Friend Hopper to withdraw them. The re- 
 ply of the latter was, "I hare no authority to dismiss 
 them." 
 
 " They will be dismissed if you advise it," rejoined the 
 lawyer. 
 
 After some further conversation, developing the opinion 
 of the Quaker, that the abused colored people ought to be 
 remunerated for what they had suffered, the lawyer asked 
 him what sum he thought would influence those people to 
 withdraw the suits. Friend Hopper said he thought they 
 would do it for one hundred and fifty dollars. This sum 
 was paid, two-thirds of which was given the slave to help 
 purchase his freedom, and the colonel returned to his home 
 poorer than when he left it, to the amount paid for his 
 expenses, and his lawyer's fees. 
 
 A slave-master, in pursuit of his property, called upon 
 Friend Hopper to inquire if he knew where his slaves were. 
 Mr. Hopper coolly replied, " I believe they are doing very 
 well. From what I hear, I judge it will not be necessary 
 to give thyself any further trouble on their account." 
 
 " There is no use in trying to capture a runaway slave in 
 Philadelphia," rejoined the master. "I believe the Devil 
 himself could not catch slaves when they get here." 
 
 " That^is very likely," answered Friend Hopper ; " but I 
 think he would have less difficulty in catching the masters, 
 being so much more familiar with them." 
 
 David Maps and his wife, a very worthy couple, were the 
 only colored members of the Yearly Meeting to which Isaac 
 T. Hopper belonged. On the occasion of the annual gath- 
 ering in Philadelphia, they came with other members of the 
 society to share the hospitality of his house. A question 
 arose in the family whether Friends of white complexion 
 would object to eating with them. " Leave that to me," said
 
 ISAAC T. HOPPER. 227 
 
 the master of the household. Accordingly, when the time 
 arrived, he announced it thus : — 
 
 *' Friends, dinner is now ready. David Maps and his 
 ■wife will come with me ; and as I like to have all accommo- 
 dated, those who object to dining with them can wait till 
 they have done." The guests smiled, and seated themselves 
 at the table. 
 
 One day Mr. Hopper went to a hosiery store, and said to the 
 man, " I bought a pair of stockings here yesterday. They 
 looked very nice ; but when I got home I found two large 
 holes in them, and I have come for another pair." The man 
 summoned his wife, and informed her what the gentleman 
 had said. 
 
 " Bless me ! Is it possible, sir ? " she exclaimed. 
 " Yes," replied Friend Hopper, " I found they had holes 
 as large as my hand." 
 
 . " It is very strange," rejoined she, " for I am sure they 
 were new. But if you have brought them back, of course 
 we will change them." 
 
 " Oh ! " said he, " upon examination, I concluded that the 
 big holes were made to put the feet in ; and I liked the stock- 
 ings so well, that I have come to buy another pair." 
 
 He could imitate the Irish brogue very perfectly, and 
 it was a standing jest with him to make every Iri.sh 
 stranger believe he was a countryman. During his vi.sit to 
 Ireland, he had become so well acquainted with various 
 localities, that he seldom if ever failed to deceive them when 
 he said, "Och! and sure I am from ()1<1 Ireland me.<»olf." 
 After amusing himself in this way for a while, he would tell 
 them, ** It is true, I did come from Ireland ; but, to confess 
 the truth, I went there first." 
 
 Once, wh.-n lu- found two Iri.shmen quarrdling.-ho inquired 
 what was the matter. 
 
 <* He's got my prayer-book," exclaimed one of them ; 
 ♦'and I'll give him a bathig for it: by St. Patrick, I will."
 
 228 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 ^' Let me give tliee a piece of advice," said Friend Hop- 
 per. "It's a very hot day, and bating is warm work. I'm 
 thinking thou hadst better put it off till the cool o' the 
 morning." The men, of course, became cooler before they 
 had done listening to this playful remonstrance. 
 
 On a certain occasion, he was travelling in a stage-coach, 
 that was stopped by a pile of stones, one of which was large, 
 left in the road by a company of Irish laborers, who were 
 using them in repairing the road. An attempt to pass 
 the big stone was regarded dangerous, and Friend Hopper 
 jumped out and kindly asked the laborers to remove it out 
 of the way. 
 
 " And, sure, ye've no business here at all," they replied. 
 "Ye may jist go round by the ould road." 
 
 " Och ! " said Friend Hopper, " and is this the way I'm 
 trated by my countrymen ? I'm from Ireland meself ; and, 
 sure, I didn't expect to be trated so by my countrymen in 
 a strange coontry." 
 
 " And are you from ould Ireland ? " inquired they. 
 
 " Indade I am," he replied. 
 
 " And what part may ye be from ? " said they. 
 
 His answer satisfied them that he was a son of the Green 
 Isle, and they cheerfully removed the stone, and the stage 
 passed on. When the passengers learned that he was not 
 an Irishman, they had a hearty laugh over his power of 
 mimicry, and rejoiced in the benefit the exercise of those 
 powers had conferred on them. The character of his wife 
 was extremely modest and reserved ; and he took mis- 
 chievous pleasure in telling strangers the story of their 
 courtship, in a way that made her blush. 
 
 " Dost thou know what Sarah answered, when I asked if 
 she would marry me ? " said he. " I will tell thee how it 
 was. I was walking home with her one evening, soon after 
 the death of her mother, and I mentioned to her, that, as 
 she was alone now, I supposed she intended to make some
 
 ISAAC T. HOPPER. 229 
 
 change in her mode of living. When she said yes, I told 
 her I had been thinking it would be very pleasant to have 
 her come and live with me. * That would suit me exactly/ 
 said she. This prompt reply made me suppose she might 
 not have understood my meaning, and I explained that I 
 wanted to have her become a member of my family ; but 
 she replied again, ' There is nothing I should like bet- 
 ter.' " 
 
 The real fact was, the quiet and timid Sarah was not 
 dreaming of a proposal of marriage. She supposed he spoke 
 of receiving her as a boarder in his family. 
 
 A rash, dashing, antislavery agent wrote him a business- 
 letter, to which the following postscript was appended : — 
 
 " Give the hands at your office a tremendous blowing-up. 
 They need it." 
 
 Friend Hopper briefly replied, — 
 
 " According to thy orders, I have given the hands at our 
 office a tren>endous blowing-up. They want to know what 
 it is for. Please inform me by return mail." 
 
 These extracts will give the reader some idea of this re- 
 markable man. lie enjoyed a vigorous old age, and died 
 at the close of a laborious life. To his love of fun, and s^'s- 
 tematic exercise of mirthfulness, he was, doubtless, largely 
 indebted for the health lie enjoyed, for the vigor he pos- 
 sessed through all the stages of liis long life, for his ability 
 to labor, and for the large amount of h;i]>i)in('ss he jxissessed 
 an<l imparted to others. He had a rich vein of wit and 
 humor, which made liim attractive and useful. lie wore a 
 clieerful, smiling countenance, and bore a merry heart, 
 which afforded him a continual feast, at which liis associ- 
 ates, and even strangers, were often entertained. The case 
 of Friend Ilopjier ufTords an illustrious proof of the profita- 
 bleness of the appropriatf! exercise of the mental faculty wo 
 are considering; a fa<ulty which wa.s de.signetl by our 
 Creator to promote human happiness, and to iuld to the use-
 
 230 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 fulness of the race. Had this trait in Friend Hopper's 
 character been less prominent, he would have been less 
 happy and less useful. 
 
 MEECA]!^TILE AINECDOTES. 
 
 A POMPOUS, well-dressed person entered a bank one 
 day, and addressing the teller, who was something of a 
 wag, inquired, " Is the cashier in ? " 
 
 " No, sir," was the reply. 
 
 "Well, I am dealing in pens, supplying the New-Eng- 
 land banks pretty largely, and I suppose it will be proper 
 for me to deal with the cashier." 
 
 " I suppose it will," said the teller. 
 
 " Very well : I will wait." 
 
 After sitting in a chair, with which the teller politely 
 furnished him, for an hour and a half, the pen-peddler 
 asked, ''How soon do you think the cashier will be in ? " 
 
 " Well, I don't know exactly," said the waggish teller ; 
 " but I expect him in about eight weeks. He has gone to 
 Lake Superior, and told me he thought he should be back 
 in that time." 
 
 Peddler concluded not to wait. 
 
 When making his Northern tour. President Jackson 
 visited the town of Pawtucket, the home of Mr. Slater, who 
 introduced water-power machinery into our country. The 
 President and attendants called upon Mr. Slater, after they 
 had visited the manufacturing establishments in the place, 
 he being confined to his home by rheumatism. The Presi- 
 dent addressed Mr. Slater as the father of American manu- 
 factures, as the man who had erected the first valuable 
 machinery, and who spun yarn to make the first cotton cloth 
 in America, in the first cotton-mill this side of the ocean,
 
 MERCANTILE AJS'ECDOTES. 231 
 
 w'liicb was erected by himself. In bis addi-ess, tbe Presi- 
 di-nt said, " I uudcrstaud you taught us how to spin, so aa 
 to rival Great Britain in her manufactories ; you set all of 
 these thousands of spindles at work, which I have been de- 
 lighted in viewing, and which have made so many happy 
 by a lucrative employment." 
 
 " Yes, sir," said Mr. Slater ; " I suppose that I gave out 
 the psalm, and they have been singing to the tune ever since." 
 
 *• We are glad to hear, also, that you have realized some- 
 thing for yourself and family," said the Vice-President. 
 
 " So am I glad to know it," said Mr. Slater ; " for I 
 should not like to be a pauper in this country, where pau- 
 pers are put up at auction to the lowest bidder." 
 
 In an interior town in old Connecticut, a merchant by 
 the name of Bond had a shaky customer, Ben Hogden, 
 who had run up quite a bill, which he could not collect. 
 One day, Ben made his appearance with a bag and wheel- 
 barrow, and said, " Mr. Bond, I want to buy two bushels 
 of corn, and / ivant to pay casJc for it." 
 
 " All right," said Mr. Bond, and went with him to the 
 back store and measured the corn, which was borne to the 
 wheelbarrow by the purchaser, who started with it for his 
 home, and had got some distance from the store, when Mr. 
 Bond discovered him moving rapidly, and irit-d lustily, 
 " IIall<j<), halloo, Ben ! you said you wanted to pay cash for 
 that corn." 
 
 Old ]5en d<'lil>erat«'ly sat down on one hiuidle vi his 
 barrow, and, cocking liis head on one side, said, — 
 
 "That's all true, Mr. Bond: I do want to pay you the 
 cash for the corn, but I cari't." 
 
 Just before the Declaration of Indei)endcnce, a Yankee 
 peddlor starti-d down to New York to si-ll a panel of liowla 
 and dishes he had made of mapk*. Finding n<. ni:iik«t for
 
 232 MIKTHFULNESS. 
 
 his wares, he obtained a naval uniform, and called upon a 
 merchant, one morning, in this garb, and asked him if he 
 had any nice wooden-ware ; adding, that the commodore 
 wanted a lot for his fleet. The merchant replied that he 
 had none on hand, but he could get him some in the after- 
 noon. " Very good," said our naval officer, and immedi- 
 ately went to his stopping-place and changed his apparel, 
 and waited a call from the merchant, who soon appeared, 
 and offered to take his entire lot, if he would deduct fifteen 
 per cent ; but Jonathan declared " he'd take 'em home 
 before he'd discount a cent." Finding him fixed in his 
 price, the merchant paid it, and took the ware to his store, 
 where it remained through the Eevolution, as the British 
 officer did not caU for it according to agreement. 
 
 An honest old farmer received his grocery-biU, which 
 contained charges like the following : — 
 
 " To one lb. tea. — To one lb. ditto," &c. 
 
 " Wife," said he, " this 'ere's a putty business : I should 
 like to know what you have done with so much of this 'ere 
 ditto." 
 
 " Ditto, ditto," replied the old lady ; " never had a single 
 pound of it in all my life ! " 
 
 Confident that he had been charged for an article he had 
 never received, he went to the grocer in high dudgeon, and 
 said, — 
 
 " Mr. B., sha'n't stand this : wife says she ha'n't had a 
 pound of this pesky ditto." 
 
 The grocer explained, and his customer returned home 
 satisfied. His wife inquired if he had found out the mean- 
 ing of that " ditto." 
 
 " Yes," said he ; ''as near as I can get the hang on't, it 
 means that I am an old fool, and you're ditto." 
 
 A mule-dealer in Kentucky held a note, payable in four
 
 MERCANTILE ANECDOTES. 233 
 
 mon'.bs, against a man iu a Jistatit part of the State, to 
 whom he hud sold stock. At the close of two months he 
 received half of the money, with the statement that the 
 balance would be paid at maturity. Not being able to find 
 " Maturity " on the map, he called at the store in his village, 
 and said to the company collected there, '' Can any of you 
 tell me where Maturity is ? I have a note payable there, 
 and I can't find it on the map." 
 
 A sign-painter, being employed to letter the front of a 
 large clothing-establishment, finished one line across the 
 whole front, thus : " Dealer ix all sorts of ladies' " — 
 and, finding his ladder too long to paint the next line, wont 
 to his house for a shorter one ; and, unfortunately, spraining 
 his ankle, he did not return to finish his work uiitil the 
 afternoon of the next day, when he added, " and gentle- 
 
 men's READY-MADE CLOTHING." 
 
 Funny Advertisements. Talen from an adveHising 
 column. — " An airy bed-room for a gentleman tweuty-two 
 feet long by fourteen feet wide." " A house for a fumil}' in 
 good repair." " A deliglitful gentleman's residence." " Red 
 children's stockings for sale here." "A large Spanisli blue 
 gentleman's cloak lost near the market." " Green, black, 
 and white ladies' veils for sale hero." 
 
 Pleasantries of Keese the Book Auctioneer. — 
 .Mr. Keese commenced his business, in which he Wiis very 
 Huccessful, in 184o, by giving an entertainment of^oysters 
 and cltampagnc. Near the close of this entertainment, 
 \u- addrcshfd liis guests tlius: " Gentlemen, wo are scat- 
 ti'fing our brea<l upon the waters, and we expect to find it 
 uft<r many <lavs — Imttrred ! " 
 
 Tin; following will jjivc tin; n-iultT home notion of ins 
 plea-santries. " Is that binding calf'.'"' asked u suHpicious 
 customer.
 
 234 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 " Come up, my good sir ; put your hand on it, and see if 
 there is any fellow-feeling," was the ready reply. 
 
 A copy of " Watts's Hymns " was knocked down to a man 
 ■who asked for the immediate delivery of the book. " Give 
 it to the gentleman," said Keese : " he wishes to learn and 
 sing a hymn before retiring." 
 
 As he knocked down another copy to another man, he 
 
 said, — 
 
 " Blest is the man who shuns the place 
 Where other auctions be, 
 And has his money in his fist, 
 And buys his books of me." 
 
 Offering one of Dr. Hawks's books, he added, in an ex- 
 planatory way, " A bird of prey." 
 
 When offered a shilling for "Caroline Fry,^^ he said, 
 " That isn't the price of a steioP 
 
 Selling a book labelled " History of the Tatars," he was 
 asked, " Isn't that Tartars ? " 
 
 " No," he replied : " their wives were Tartars." 
 
 " This," said he, holding up a well-known volume, " is 
 a book, by a poor and pious girl, of poor and pious 
 poems." 
 
 Some female bidders, one day, became excited to an emu- 
 lous contention for a sauce-pan which they all wanted. 
 Keese gave them a fair chance, with a final appeal, " Going, 
 going, — ' the woman who deliberates is lost,' — gone ! " 
 
 Deacon Johnson, being in the shoe-business, and haviifg 
 an opportunity to buy a much larger lot of leather than he 
 needed, at a reduced price, the seller being compelled to 
 raise money on it, purchased the whole lot. Soon after, 
 there was a great fall in the price of leather, and the dea- 
 con could not sell his stock. One night his wife woke him 
 out of a sound sleep, telling him she believed that thieves 
 were stealing his leather. When sufficiently aroused to
 
 MERCANTILE ANECDOTES. 235 
 
 understand her, he said, " Well, if it falls on their hands as 
 it has on mine, they'll wish they had let it alone." 
 
 Monkeys are scarce in ]Michigan. A saddler kept one for 
 a pet, which usually sat on the counter. A countryman, 
 who had never seen a monke}', came in one day, when the 
 proprietor was in the back room, and asked the pet what 
 he would take for a saddle at which he pointed. Monkey 
 said nothing. Customer took a twenty-dollar bill from his 
 pocket, and said, " I will give you that for the saddle." 
 I^Ionkey put the money into the drawer, and the man took 
 the saddle, when the pet mounted him, pulled his hair, 
 scratched his face, and so frightened him as to cause him to 
 cry for help. The proprietor rushed in, and asked, "What's 
 the fuss ? " — " Fuss,"" said the customer, " fuss ? I bought 
 a saddle of your son sitting there, and when I went to take 
 it he wouldn't let me have it." The saddler apologized for 
 the monkey, but assured him that he was no relation. 
 
 Speaking of wharfingers, a gentleman said, "They are a 
 Bet of knaves; I was one myself for Uii years." 
 
 Sheridan, — a scholar, wit, and spendthrift, — being 
 dunned by a tailor to pay at least the interest on his bill, 
 answered, " that it was not his interest to pay the principal, 
 nor his principle to pay the interest." 
 
 POETICAL PLEAS ANFRIES. • 
 
 RusTlCUS wrote to a lady — !Miss Kid, 
 
 And filled Ilia letter full of love and keen desire; 
 
 lie lioped to raino a flame, and ho he did. 
 
 For the youthful lady put his non«en.se in the fire.
 
 236 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 ON AN" ILL-READ LAWYER. 
 
 An idle attorney besought a brother 
 
 For " something to read, some novel or other, 
 
 That was really fresh and new." 
 " Take Chitty," replied his legal friend : 
 " There isn't a book that I could lend 
 
 Would prove more novel to youP 
 
 FAMILY QUARRELS. 
 
 " A fool," said Janette, " is a creature I hate." 
 " But hating," quoth John, '' is immoral : 
 
 Besides, my dear girl, it's a terrible fate 
 To be found in a family quarrel." 
 
 AN ESSAY ON THE UNDERSTANDING. 
 
 " Harry, I cannot think," says Dick, 
 " What makes my ankles grow so thick." 
 " You do not recollect," says Harry, 
 " How great a calf they have to carry." 
 
 TO A LIVING AUTHOR. 
 
 Your comedy I've read, my friend, 
 And like the half you ]?ilfered best ; 
 
 But sure the piece you yet may mend : 
 Take coiirarje, inan, and steal the rest. 
 
 A mechanic his labor will often discard, 
 If the rate of his pay he dislikes ; 
 
 But a clock — and its case is uncommonly hard ■ 
 Will continue to work, though it strikes. 
 
 TO A BLOCKHEAD. 
 
 You beat your pate, and fancy wit will come ; 
 Knock as you please, there's nobody at home.
 
 POETICAL PLEASANTRIES. 237 
 
 BLACK AND WHITE. 
 
 The Tories vow the Whigs are black as night, 
 And boast that only they are blessed with light ; 
 Peel's politics to both sides so incline, 
 His may be called the equinoctial line. 
 
 DOMESTIC ECOKOMT. 
 
 Said Stiggins to his wife one day, 
 
 " We've nothing left to eat ; 
 If things go on in this queer way, 
 
 We s/ta'u't make both ou/s meet." 
 The dame replied in words discreet 
 
 " We're not so badly fed, 
 If we can make but o?ie end meat, 
 
 And make the other bread." 
 
 TO A RICU WIDOW. 
 
 I will not ask if thou canst touch 
 
 The tuneful ivory key ; 
 Those silent note.<i of thine are such 
 
 As quite suffice for me. 
 I'll make no question of thy .skill. 
 
 The pencil comprehends ; 
 Enough for me, love, if thou still 
 
 Canst draia the dividends. 
 
 Which is of greater value, pry thee, say, 
 
 The bride or bridegroom V Must the truth bo told ' 
 
 Alaa ! it must. Tlie bride is given away, * 
 The bridegroom often regularly soKL 
 
 nAn I'OKTS. 
 
 SwauH Hing before they die : 'twere no bad tiling 
 I>id certain jjersons die before thru sinrj.
 
 238 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 THE LAW. 
 
 All those that do but rob and steal enough 
 Are punishment and court of justice proof, 
 And need not fear, nor be concerned a straw 
 In all the idle bugbears of the law, 
 But confidently rob the gallows too, 
 As well as other sufferers, of their due. 
 
 THE FOOL AND THE POET. 
 
 Sir, I admit your general rule. 
 
 That every poet is a fool ; 
 But you yourself may serve to show it, 
 
 That every fool is not a poet. 
 
 The Prince of Wales entered a hotel one day, and com- 
 plained of cold ; but, after drinking three glasses of brandy, 
 said he felt better. 
 
 The Prince came in, and said 'twas cold. 
 
 Then put to his head the rummer ; 
 Till swallow after swallow came : 
 Then he pronounced it summer. 
 
 TO MISS 
 
 With woman's form and woman's tricks 
 So much of man you seem to mix. 
 
 One knows not where to take you : 
 I pray you, if 'tis not too far. 
 Go ask of Nature which you are. 
 
 Or what she meant to make you. 
 Yet stay ; you need not take the pains. 
 With neither beauty, youth, nor brains, 
 
 For man or maid's desiring : 
 Pert as female, fool as male. 
 As boy too green, as girl too stale, 
 
 The thing's not worth inquiring.
 
 POETICAL PLEASANTRIES. 239 
 
 MY WIFE AND I. 
 
 As my wife and I, at the window one day, 
 
 Stood watching a man with a monkey, 
 A cart came by with a " broth of a boy," 
 
 Who was driving a stout little donkey. 
 To my wife I there spoke, by the way of a joke, 
 
 ''There's a relation of yours in that carriage." 
 To which she replied, as the donkey she spied, 
 
 " Ah, yes ! a relation — by marriage! " 
 
 LOVE ON THE OCEAN. 
 
 They met-: 'twas in a storm. 
 
 On the deck of a steamer : 
 She spoke in language warm. 
 
 Like a sentimental dreamer. 
 He spoke, — at least he tried ; 
 
 His position he altered ; 
 Then turned his face aside. 
 
 And his deep-toned voice faltered. 
 She gazed upon the wave. 
 
 Sublime she declared it ; 
 But no reply he gave, — 
 
 He could not have dared it. 
 A breeze came from the south. 
 
 Across the billows sweeping; 
 His heart was in his mouth. 
 
 And out he tliought 'twas leaping. 
 " Oh, then, steward ! " he cried. 
 
 With tlie deepest emotion ; 
 Then tottered to the side, 
 
 And leaned o'er the ocean. 
 Tho world may think liim cold, 
 
 Jiut they'll panloii him with fpiickness, 
 When the; f:wt th.-y hliall !.•• t.-l.l, — 
 
 That ho Hutfered from Buu-bicknesa.
 
 240 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 
 
 In" this class will be found pleasantries of varied merit, 
 some of which are as rich as any contained in the book. 
 Some of them, had they been obtained in season, would 
 have been arranged in classes to which they properly belong. 
 Perhaps they will contribute quite as much to the enjoy- 
 ment of the reader by being thus mixed, as they would if 
 they had been arranged in their appropriate classes. 
 
 An aged clergyman in New Hampshire, living with his 
 second wife, was asked how old he was, and he replied, " I 
 am just ten years older than my wife." To the question, 
 "How old is your wife?" he answered, "As she has 
 some prospect of being left a widow, I think she would not 
 like to have me tell her age." 
 
 Queen Anne paid great regard to her chaplains, and al- 
 ways listened with attention to their religious services. 
 When confined to her room with sickness, a clergyman 
 called to read prayers in her behalf; and her ladies in at- 
 tendance suggested that the service should be read in an- ; , 
 other room. To this suggestion the clergyman strongly f 
 objected, saying, " I did not come here to whistle the 
 prayers of the church through a key-hole." 
 
 " I live in Julia's eyes," said an affected dandy. " Do 
 you ? " said the person addressed. " Well, that accounts 
 for her having sties." 
 
 An officer in battle, happening to bow when a cannon- 
 ball passed over his head and took off that of a soldier 
 who stood immediately behind him, remarked to those near 
 him, " You see, gentlemen, that a man never loses by 
 politeness."
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 241 
 
 A drunken passenger, making disturbance in the ladies' 
 cabin, while travelling on a steamboat, the captain, who 
 was an exceedingly fat man, was called to take care of him. 
 The captain thus addressed the inebriate : " You must do 
 one of two things : you must behave yourself with propriety, 
 or leave the boat at the next stopping-place." The drunken 
 passenger replied, " One of three things you must do: eat 
 less, physic more, or bust / " 
 
 TVTiile a Pennsylvania Dutchman was absent from his 
 native State, that State changed its politics. "Wlien he re- 
 turned, and was told of this change, he was very much ex- 
 cited. He said, " I'm ashamt ov my State. I'm ashamt 
 that I was born in her ; and my only excuse for it is, I was 
 80 perry young I didn't know any petter." 
 
 A gentleman, speaking of the death of his wife, remarked, 
 he thought it very strange that she died, for she had fifteen 
 doctors, and took all the medicine they prescribed. 
 
 A number of years ago, when there was very strong 
 prejudice against Yankee peddlers in the West, and espe- 
 cially against those who sold wooden clocks, one of these 
 travelling merchants overtook a young white woman lead- 
 ing a mulatto child, and, bringing his horses to a walk, en- 
 tered into conversation with her. He asked her if that was 
 her child, and she told him it was. He asked her if she was 
 married to a bla<-k man, and she replied in the affirmative. 
 
 " I)i<l not your parents regard themselves disgraced by 
 your marriage?" said he. 
 
 " Yes I " she replied; "but not half as much as they did 
 by the marriage of my sister." 
 
 "Whom did she marrj'?" he asked. 
 
 "A dork-pedU/^r,^* was hor n-ply. The whip was applied 
 to the horses, and they quickfued their pace. 
 16
 
 242 • MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 A witty student was arraigned before the faculty of a col- 
 lege, charged with belonging to a card-playing club, when 
 the following dialogue passed between the parties : — 
 
 " Chapin, have you been engaged in playing cards ? " 
 
 « Yes, sir." 
 
 " Was there any thing bet ? " 
 
 « Yes, sir." 
 
 " What ? " 
 
 " A hogshead of negroes." 
 
 Sir Walter Scott's faithful'servant, Tom, said to him one 
 day, " Them are fine novels of yours ; they are invaluable 
 to me. When I come home very tired, and take up one 
 of them, I'm asleep directly." 
 
 A schoolmistress asked a dull pupil to tell her what word 
 S double E spelt ; and he could not. 
 
 " Dunce ! " said the impatient teacher : " what do I do 
 with my eyes ? " 
 
 " Squint," was the boy's reply. 
 
 An elderly gentleman, accustomed to " indulge," to his 
 injury, entered a tavern one day, where a grave Friend 
 was sitting, warming himself Lifting a pair of green 
 spectacles from his forehead, rubbing his inflamed eyes, and 
 calling for hot brandy-sling, he complained to the Friend 
 that his eyes were getting weaker, and that even spectacles 
 (lid not seem to do them any good. " I'll tell thee, friend," 
 said the Quaker, " what I think. If thee were to wear 
 thy spectacles over thy mouth for a few months, thy eyes 
 would get well again." 
 
 A country chap told the hotel waiter, who handed him 
 the bill of fare, that he would defer reading until after 
 dinner.
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 243 
 
 Josh Billings says, that, if a man proposes to serve the 
 Lonl, he likes to see him do it when he measures corn, as 
 well as when he hollers Glory Hallaluyer. 
 
 Dr. South, when preaching before Charles II., observed 
 that the monarch and his attendants began to nod ; and 
 some of them soon after snored. On this he broke off his 
 sermon, and said, " Lord Lauderdale, let me entreat you to 
 rouse yourself; you snore so loud, that you will awake tlio 
 king." 
 
 When George the Second proposed giving the command 
 of the expedition against Quebec to Gen. Wolfe, great 
 objections were made by his ministry. The Duke of New- 
 castle said Wolfe was mad. " Mad, is he ? " said the king : 
 " well, if he is, I wish his madness was epidemic, and that 
 every officer in my army was seized with it." 
 
 When the regulations of the West-Boston Bridge Proprie- 
 tors were drawn up by two famous lawyers, one section read 
 thus : " And the said proprietors shall meet annually on the 
 first Tuesday in June, provided it does not fall on Sunday." 
 
 A person, looking over the catalogue of the members of 
 the bar, wrote with his pencil against the name of one who 
 was rather a bustling character, "Has been accused of jtos- 
 sessing talents." Another, seeing the accusation, wrote 
 un<ler it, " Has been tried and acquitted." 
 
 A clan of Indians in Connecticut, finding nne of tlnir 
 number dead, on a winter morning, near u tavern, unani- 
 mously agn-ed that " the death of the doreaHed wiu« oecu- 
 sioned by the freezing of a large (punlity of water in bin 
 stomach, vvhich hu<l been imprudently mixed with the r'liii 
 be drank."
 
 244 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 An unmarried man, being told tliat bachelors ought to 
 be taxed by the government for their celibacy, said they 
 could well afford to pay a tax for so great a luxury. 
 
 The reason why a briefless barrister should not be spoken 
 against is, it is wrong to speak against a man without a cause. 
 
 " Taking them one with another," said the Rev. S 
 
 S , " I believe my congregation to be the most exemplary 
 
 observers of the religious ordinances ; for the poor keep all 
 the fasts, and the rich all the feasts." 
 
 A young lady asked a gentleman the meaning of the 
 word surrogate. " It is, miss," replied the gentleman, " a 
 gate through which parties have to pass on their way to 
 get married." 
 
 " Then I imagine," said the lady, " that it is a corruption 
 of sorrow goMP 
 
 " You are right, miss," replied the gentleman ; " as wo- 
 man is an abbreviation oiwo to many 
 
 A saucy young fellow, sitting at table opposite the learned 
 John Scot, asked him what difference there was between^ 
 Scot and Sot. ''Just the width of this table" answered 
 the other. 
 
 Susan Nipper, learning that a celebrated sculptor was at 
 work on a bust, exclaimed that she couldn't understand how 
 a man could do any work while on a bust. 
 
 A celebrated judge, whose form was much bowed, when 
 walking one day, had a stone thrown at him, which passed 
 over his head without Jhitting him. Turning to his friend, 
 he remarked, " Had I been an upright judge, that stone 
 might have caused my death."
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 245 
 
 John Bunyan, while in Bedford jail, was called upon 
 by a Quaker desirous of making a couvert of him. " Friend 
 John, I have come to thee with a message from the Lord ; 
 and, after having searched for thee in all the prisons in 
 England, I am glad I have found thee out at last." 
 
 "If the Lord had sent you," returned Bunyan, "you 
 need not have taken so much pains to find me out ; for the 
 Lord knows I have been here twelve years." 
 
 " Pete," said his mother, " are you into them sweetmeats 
 again ? " — " No, mem. Them sweetmeats is into me." 
 
 "Who made you?" said a lady teacher in a Sabbath 
 school to a big, ignorant, awkward boy. 
 
 " I'd o know ! " said he. 
 
 " Don't know ! " said the lady. " You ought to be 
 ashamed of yourself. My little boy, three years old, can 
 answer that question." 
 
 "The reason is," replied the boy, "'cause it ain't but 
 little time since he was made." 
 
 A man called to see a sick neighbor, who, he was told, 
 had lost his reason. Soon after he entered the sick man's 
 room, the latter roused up, and asked who had called to see 
 him. Being informed, he whispered, "Make him some hot 
 toddy." — "Surely," said the neighbor, "he has his rea- 
 
 son." 
 
 An uniniirried female, between forty and fifty years old, 
 hearing of the marriage of a lady acquaintance, observed 
 with a sigh, " Well, I suppose it's what we all must come to." 
 
 Dr. Franklin's mother-in-law thought a third printer 
 could not obtain a living; ami therefore she feared her 
 daughter would not be supported.
 
 246 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 Two ladies, encountering Dr. Johnson soon after the pub- 
 lication of his " Dictionary," complimented him for having 
 omitted gross, indelicate, and objectionable words. 
 
 " What, my dears ! " said the doctor, " have you been 
 searching for them ? " 
 
 A lawyer, having made two or three mistakes while con- 
 ducting a cause, petulantly exclaimed, -^ 
 
 '•' I seem to be inoculated with dulness to-day." 
 " Inoculated, brother ! " said Erskine : " I thought you 
 had it in the natural way." 
 
 A radical, inveighing against the rapacity of the clergy, 
 gave it as his opinion, if they could have their own way, 
 they would raise the tithes from a tenth to a twentieth. 
 
 William Pitt presided at a public meeting held in Do- 
 ver, during the war, for the purpose of raising a volunteer 
 corps, when the secretary, in drawing up the conditions on 
 wliich they were to be embodied, said to the chairman, ''I 
 suppose, sir, that I am to insert the usual clause, not to 
 serve out of the country ? " — " Certainly, certainly," said 
 Pitt, smiling; "except in case of an invasion. 
 
 A sportsman, who, during the shooting-season, had gone 
 to pass a week with his friend in the country, on a general 
 invitation, soon found, by a gentle hint, that he would have 
 done better to have waited for a special one. 
 
 " I saw some beautiful scenery," was the visitor's first re- 
 mark, "as I came to-day by the upper road." 
 
 " You will see some still more beautiful," was the reply, 
 "' as you go back to-morrow by the lower one." 
 
 A Yankee, with his wife and horse, was making a brother 
 a long visit; late one winter, when hay was high and scarce.
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 247 
 
 His brother came into the house, one day, crying • and 
 in reply to his question respecting the cause of his grief, 
 said, — 
 
 " I'm afraid you will never come to see me again." 
 " Why, brother ? " said the Yankee. " What makes you 
 have this fear ? I am certainly making you a very gener- 
 ous visit." 
 
 " I fear," said the other, " you will never come to see me 
 again, because you will never go away." 
 
 Jack Taylor was rapidly losing ground in a literary dis- 
 cussion, when the opposite party exclaimed, — 
 
 " My good friend, you are not such a rare scholar as you 
 imagine ; you are an every-day man." 
 
 " Well, and you are a weak one," replied Taylor. 
 
 Taylor instantly jumped upon the back of a horse-laugh, 
 and rode victoriously over his prostrate conqueror. 
 
 A gentleman who had acquired the nickname of Apollo 
 received a visit from a peer, whose projiensity for fibbing 
 was well known. "I find," said his lordship, who was apt 
 to mistake impertinence for jocularity, "that you are going 
 to the fancy ball to-iiight; and I presume you will appear 
 in the character of Apollo." 
 
 "I had soij^e such idea," replied the gentleman; "and I 
 am glad your lordship has called; because you can accom- 
 pany me as my lyre.''' 
 
 In the town of IIopkint<jii, Mass., lived a certain Deacon 
 Small, who lost his wife in old age, and, after a proper tiiin' 
 had elapH(?d, resolved to o]»tain aiiotlicr. Jloariiig ui a 
 Widow Hwjper residing in another town, ho mounted his 
 old brown mare, and soon reached the widow's dour, where 
 he discovered liur pouring the suds from her wash-tub. 
 
 Said the deacon, " la this Widow Hooper '/ "
 
 248 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 " Yes, sir," was the reply. 
 
 " Well," continued the deacon, " I am that little bit of 
 old dried-up Deacon Small, and have only one question to 
 ask you." 
 
 " Please propose, sir." 
 
 "Well, madam, have you any objections to going to 
 heaven hy way of Hopkinton ? " 
 
 " None at all. Come in, Deacon Small." They were 
 married the next week. 
 
 " What does a man think of when he thinks of nothing ? " 
 Queen Elizabeth demanded of a choleric courtier, to whom 
 she had not realized her promise of promotion. 
 
 " He thinks, madam, of woman's promise," was the tart 
 reply. 
 
 " Well, I must not confute him," said the queen, walking 
 away : " anger makes a man witty, but it keeps him 
 poor." 
 
 The inundation of 1771, which swept away the greater 
 part of the old Tyne Bridge, vrOiS long remembered, and 
 alluded to with emphasis, as " the flood." On one occasion, 
 Mr. Adam Thomson was placed in the witness-box at the 
 assizes. The counsel, asking his name, received for an- 
 
 swer. 
 
 " Adam, sir ; Adam Thomson." 
 
 " Where do you live ? " 
 
 " At Paradise, sir." (Paradise was a village about a mile 
 and a half from New Castle.) 
 
 " And how long have jovl dwelt in Paradise ? " continued 
 the barrister. 
 
 " Ever since the flood," was the answer, made in all sim- 
 plicity, and with no intention to raise a laugh. It is per- 
 haps needless to inform the reader that the judge had to 
 ask for explanations.
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 249 
 
 The following act was passed some years ago by the 
 Pennsylvania Assembly: "The State-house yard shall 
 be surrounded by a brick wall, and remain an open enclosure 
 forever." 
 
 The following was a Virginia statute : "' Supplementary 
 to an act to amend an act making it penal to alter the mark 
 of an unmarked dog." 
 
 Judge Peters asked J. W. Condy for the loan of a book. 
 
 The latter said, — 
 
 " With great pleasure : I will send it to you." 
 
 "That," said the judge, "will be truly condescending 
 
 (Condy sending)." 
 
 Judge Peters was told that Congress had passed a law 
 increasing the salary of certain judges, when he replied, 
 *' That law will not affect me, for I am an unceHain 
 judge." 
 
 " Which do you think the merriest place in existence?" 
 " That immediately above the atmosphere which sur- 
 rounds the earth," was the reply. 
 " Why so ? " 
 " Because, I am told, there all bodies lose their gravity.^* 
 
 A mother told her seven-year-old son never to put off till 
 to-morrow any tliint; ho could do to-day. The little urchin 
 replied, " Then, ni<»ther, let's eat the remainder of the plum- 
 pudding to-night ! " 
 
 In one of our State legislatures, some years ago, a mem- 
 ber of the lower branch nwi; in his seat, and atiked leave 
 to Btato that an attempt ha<l bt-en mado to bribe liim. 
 Shocked by the idea of bribery, the member said, " I havo
 
 250 " MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 been offered $500 to use my influence for a certain measure. 
 Can any man, who knows me, indulge the opinion that 
 I would sell myself for the paltry sum of five hundred dol- 
 lars ? " While the speaker was making a rhetorical pause, 
 with a very excited and expressive countenance, a squeak- 
 ing voice, from another part of the house, exclaimed, " Say 
 six hundred dollars, and it's a bargain." This brought 
 down the house. 
 
 During the long Massachusetts legislative session of 
 1869, a man from the country was walking with a citizen 
 of Boston near the State House, when he asked him, — 
 
 " Is that a gas-house ? " 
 
 " Yes," was the reply ; " it is the State Gas-house ! " 
 
 A sailor, not accustomed to attend church, being in a 
 city upon a sabbath, attended a Presbyterian meeting in 
 the morning, a Baptist in the afternoon, and an Episcopal 
 in the evening. When asked which he liked the best, he re- 
 plied, '' I like the meeting I attended in the evening best, 
 because the preacher there permitted the people to jaw back 
 to him." 
 
 In one of the back districts of Kentucky, some years 
 ago, two self-made lawyers addressed the same political 
 meeting in the capacity of candidates for the State legis- 
 lature. The first speaker Said he was a poor boy, and that, 
 having purchased some law-books with the proceeds of his 
 own hard labor, he obtained his knowledge of law by read- 
 ing his books while the saw was passing through the logs 
 he manufactured into boards, at the saw-mill he tended 
 day and night. When it was dark, he read by the light 
 of pine-knots, being too poor to purchase candles. To re- 
 move the strong impression made by this speech, the op- 
 ponent of its author spoke substantially as follows, with
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 251 
 
 complete success : " Fellow-citizens, all that iny opponent 
 has said respecting his manner of studying law is strictly 
 true. I know it ; for I was so very poor, I could not pur- 
 chase law-books, and I obtained my knowledge of law by 
 looking over his shoulder." This speech called forth the 
 most extravagant applause, and secured the election of its 
 author. 
 
 A man was arraigned before the police-court of Boston 
 some years ago, to whom the judge proposed the following 
 question, and received the following answer : — 
 
 " What is your profession ? " 
 
 " I used to be a Methodist, but I haven't worked at that 
 much lately." 
 
 Tlie horse an old lady was driving down a long hill be- 
 came unmanageable, and ran, exposing the old lady to 
 danger and to death. In describing her feelings during her 
 perilous ride, she said, " My confidence in God remained 
 firm until the breeching broke, and then I gave up in 
 despair." 
 
 '^ I once had occasion to report," says a reporter, " tliat a 
 certain noble lord was confined to his house with a violent 
 cold. Next morning I found his lordship represented to be 
 confined with a violent scold ! " 
 
 In reporting a certain entfrtuinnunt, a reporter wrot*-, 
 "The first point of attraction and admiration was her hidij- 
 ships looli^P Tliis compliment was transformed by the 
 printer to her ladyships cooks. 
 
 In an account of Gen. Sandanha's conduct at Oj)ort«), 
 the reporter observed that lie '* liehavcd like, a hero ; " whiUt 
 the printer madi; it appear that " he hchnvrd like a hare." 
 
 " W(,," sayH " The .John IJiilJ," " often huflVr in thiH way. 
 About two yeara since, wo represented Mr. I'eel an having
 
 252 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 joined a party of friends, in Hampshire, for tlie purpose 
 of shooting peasants ; and only last week, in a Scotch paper, 
 we saw it gravely stated that a surgeon was taken alive in 
 the river, and sold to the inhabitants at ten cents a pound." 
 
 Between forty and fifty years ago, a woman in New 
 Hampshire gave birth to three male children, to whom she 
 gave the names of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. A pious 
 old lady in the neighborhood said these children were 
 named for the three prodigal sons described in the Scrip- 
 tures. 
 
 A meeting was called, in the western part of Massachu- 
 setts, during our late Eebellion, to aid in securing volunteers 
 for the army. A very excitable and earnest manager of the 
 meeting, who was habitually profane, said to his associates, 
 " Here is Mr. B., who can pray like a minister : I propose he 
 be invited to open the meeting with prayer : it will add dig- 
 nity and influence to our movement." The suggestion was 
 adopted ; and, after the meeting was opened, the profane 
 advocate for the devotional exercise addressed his fellow- 
 citizens thus : — 
 
 " My friends, we have looked to God for his blessing, and 
 now I hope we shall be harmonious in devising means to 
 
 l^ut down this rebellion." The descriptive word 
 
 he employed was a profane compound adjective, often used 
 by his class. rv 
 
 Two commercial travellers meeting at an inn, near Bris- 
 tol, held a conversation upon spiritual subjects, in which one 
 asked the other if he belonged to the Wesleyan Methodists. 
 " No," replied the man of business : " what little I do in 
 the religious way is done in the Unitarian line." 
 
 In the State of Vermont, several years ago, a rustic old
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 253 
 
 gentleman was called upon the witness-stand to testify in a 
 case on trial in court. He answered questions with so much 
 hesitation, that the lawyer complained of him. Turning to 
 the judge, the witness said, — 
 
 " May it please your Honor, I feel greatly embarrassed." 
 
 " What is the matter ? " said the judge. 
 
 " Why," replied the witness, " I am summoned hero by 
 both parties, and I don't know how to testify." 
 
 After joining in the laugh, the judge told the witness he 
 was not an advocate for either party, and all that was re- 
 quired of him was to tell what he knew about the case. 
 
 In another court, in the same State, several years ago, the 
 judge comiuitted a young lawyer for contempt. Several 
 leading members of the bar appeared before the court in 
 behalf of their unfortunate young brother. One of the old- 
 est and ablest of these said to the judge, " IMy young Ijrother 
 did not intend to insult your Honor. All he said was that 
 lie was surprised at your ruling. His manner might liave 
 been objectionable, but no great fault could be found with 
 liis language. He said he was siuprised at your ruling. 
 Hud he been as well acquainted with this court as some of 
 his elder brethren are, he would not be surprised at any 
 ruling of your Honor." 
 
 Dean Kamspy tells a story of an old Scottish lady, who, 
 while mourning over the moral state of one of her relatives, 
 e.vclaimed, " Our Jolin swears awfu', an' we try to correct 
 him ; but" — she added in a candid and apologetic tone — 
 *' nae doubt it is a great set-oflf to conversation." 
 
 MixiNO Things. — An excellent minister, in describ- 
 ing the joys of the heavenly gtate, said, " O my friendu ! 
 there Satan sliall liarass you no longer; there the great 
 enemy of souls can distress you no more : for there you 
 bhall bo like him ; there you shall see him as he is."
 
 254 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 A soldier, describing the horrors of the Caffre War, wish- 
 ing to wind up with a good sonorous sentence, said, " And 
 when I reached my home, I found my children fatherless, 
 and my wife a widow." 
 
 A pious minister, describing a certain class of persons, 
 said of them, " They sell their birthright for a pot of mes- 
 
 sage." 
 
 Several years ago, the preacher of the election sermon 
 offended certain members of the House of Representatives 
 bv some sentiments he uttered in his sermon, and the 
 offended gentlemen spoke against printing the sermon. 
 Their project was defeated by a timely hit made by Hon. 
 Josiah Quincy, jun., who was a member of that branch of the 
 Legislature. Mr. Quincy arose, and said, " Mr. Speaker, I 
 move that the next preacher of the election sermon be in- 
 structed by the Legislature to preach from this text, thirty- 
 ninth Psalm, first verse : ' I said, I will take heed to 
 my ways, that I sin not with my tongue ; I will keep my 
 mouth with a bridle while the wicked is before me.' " The 
 sermon was printed. 
 
 A gentleman in Massachusetts, who bore the name of 
 
 Father M , was met one day by two of his acquaintances, 
 
 one of whom attempted to show his smartness by saying, 
 
 as Father M took him by the hand, and spoke his name, 
 
 " You have the adoantage of me, sir." 
 
 " Yes," said Father M , " I dare say : anybody has 
 
 jvho possesses common sense." 
 
 An English clergyman, who had two small livings joining 
 each other, Newbury and Bibery, and who always performed 
 the morning service in the former, and the evening in the 
 latter, on being asked why he did not divide the duties
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 255 
 
 equally between them, made answer, " I go to ntibere in the 
 morning, because that is the time to marnj ; and I go to 
 I'lbere in the evening, because that is the time to drink." 
 
 A Verbatim Copy of a Letter. — " Dear Sir, — On 
 !R[ouday next I am to be made a Mare, and shall be much 
 obliged to you, if so be you will ^ud me down, by the Coatch, 
 some provisions fitting for the occasion, as I am about to 
 ax my brother, the old Mare, and the rest of the Bentch, 
 I am, sur," &c. 
 
 The above was answered by a wag, into whose hands it 
 fell, as follows : — 
 
 " Sir, — In obedience to your orders, have sent you two 
 bu.shels of the best oats ;• and as you are to treat the old 
 mare, have added some bran to make a mash. — Yours." 
 
 An ancient maiden, complaining that she was near thirty, 
 was told by an acquaintance that every day removed her 
 farther from her complaint. 
 
 A "Western paper advertises a farm for sale, possessing 
 the advantage of being fifteen miles from the residence of a 
 lawyer. 
 
 • 
 
 How AX ExGAGEMEXT WAS BROKEN. — A gentleman 
 was talking with his lady-love i^bout the Chinese cuslfiiii i.f 
 bandaging the feet of female infants, and remarked that the 
 de.sign of the custom was to keep women from gadding 
 alx)ut, — a very good thing. The lady remarked, "You 
 had better marry a Chinese wife." 
 
 "Gentleman and ladies," said a showman, ''hen* you 
 liavc a magnificent painting of J)anifl in the lions' «U-n. 
 iJanicl < an be easily di-stinguished from the lionH by tho 
 green umbrella under the left arm."
 
 256 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 " Sammy, run to the store and get some sugar." 
 "Excuse me, ma; I am somewhat indisposed this morn- 
 ing ; send father, and tell him to get me some tobacco." 
 
 A country girl, coming from the field one morning, was 
 told by a city cousin that she looked as fresh as a daisy 
 kissed by the dew. 
 
 The girl, blushing, said his name was not Dew; "but 
 how did you know he kissed me ? " 
 
 A gentleman called at the home of his lady-love one 
 morning, and was told by her mother that she had not risen 
 from bed. He playfull}^ remarked, " Give her my respects, 
 and tell her I am very sorry sh5 is in the embrace of Mor- 
 pheus at this hour of the day." The gentleman called 
 again in the afternoon, and found his lady strongly excited, 
 with the idea that he had insulted her by his morning 
 message sent by her mother. He asked for an explanation, 
 and was told that he had charged her with being in the 
 embrace of Mr. Morpheus, and she was sure she didn't 
 know the man. 
 
 .A man was driving a horse past a tavern, which had ac- 
 quired the habit of stopping when he came near a group 
 of men. The beast stopped ; and the guests of the house, 
 standing in the yard, lauglied, and asked the driver if he 
 would sell his horse. He said he would, but could not rec- 
 ommend him ; for having been owned by a butcher, he 
 would stop whenever he saw or heard calves. 
 
 " My brudders," said a waggish darkey to a crowd, " in 
 all affliction, in all your troubles, dar is one place you can 
 always find sympathy." 
 
 " Whar, whar ? " shouted several of his auditors. 
 
 " In de dictionary," he replied, rolling his eyes sky-ward.
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 257 
 
 Almost every young lady is public-spirited enough to 
 permit her father's house to be used as a cour^-house. 
 
 An amorous swain said he knew the doctrine of homoe- 
 opathy was true, — that " like cured like ; " for he had been 
 cured of the palpitation of the heart by applying to his 
 own the palpitating heart of another. 
 
 A general, at the point of death, opened his eyes, and, 
 seeing three doctors standing by his bed-side, faintly ex- 
 claimed, " Gentlemen, if you fire by platoons, it is all over 
 with me," and expired. 
 
 Old Snail says that love is a combination of diseases, — 
 "an aflfection of the heart, and an inflammation of the brain." 
 
 A young lady who gave herself many airs, having con- 
 templated a sojourn' to France, a friend expressed a doubt 
 whether she would condescend to talk Engli.sli when she 
 came back. " Oh ! " said one who knew her powers of lan- 
 guage, " she'll never forget the vulgar tongue." 
 
 A wag, overtaking an old minister whose nag was much 
 fatigued, quizzed him thus: "A nice horse yours, doctor; 
 very valualjle beast that you are riding ; but what nuikes 
 liim wag his tail so, doctor?" 
 
 " The same that causes your tongue to wag so, — a sort 
 of natural weakness," was the old gentleman's reply. 
 
 "Madam, a good many persons were very much disturbed 
 ut the concert last night by the crying of your l)aby." 
 
 "Well, I do worultT tliat such pt-oplu will go to concerts." 
 
 " Jenny," said a Scotch minister, stooping from hispuliut, 
 " have you got a peen about yo ? " 
 17
 
 258 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 " Yes, minister," was ber reply. 
 
 " Then stick it into that sleeping fellow by your side." 
 
 " What Would our wives say if they knew where we are ? " 
 said the captain of a schooner, when they were beating 
 about in a thick fog, fearful of going on shore. 
 
 " Humph ! I shouldn't mind," replied the mate, *' if we 
 only knew where we are ourselves." 
 
 A poet wrote, " See the pale martyr in a sheet of fire ! " 
 The printer made him say, " See the pale martyr with his 
 shirt on fire ! " 
 
 An Indian called at a tavern in Connecticut one autumn, 
 and paid two coppers for a glass of rum. The next spring, 
 happening at the same house, he called for another glass, 
 and was charged three coppers for it. " How is this, land- 
 lord ? " said he. " Last fall you asked two coppers for a 
 glass of rum ; now you ask three." 
 
 " Oh ! " said the landlord, " it costs nearly as much to keep 
 a hogshead of rum over winter as it does to keep a 
 horse." 
 
 The Indian replied, " He won't eat so much hay ; maybe 
 he drink as much water J' 
 
 When Judge Howell of Khode Island was at the bar, Mr. 
 Burgess, to play a joke, wrote on the lining of his hat, 
 vacuum cajput (empty head). The hat circulated about, 
 exciting a smile on every countenance, except that of the 
 owner, who deliberately took it up, and repeated the words, 
 and, well knowing the author, addressed the court as follows : 
 " May it please the court, I ask your Honor's protection " 
 (holding up his hat), " for," said he, " I find that Brother 
 Burgess has written his name in my hat, and I have reason 
 to believe he intends to make off with it."
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 259 
 
 Once, after the celebrated John Randolph had been speak- 
 ing in Congress, several members rose in succession, and 
 attacked him. His reply was witty as it was prompt. 
 " Siv," said he to the speaker, '' I am in the condition of 
 old Lear. The little dogs and all, — Tray, Blanch, and 
 Sweetheart, — see, they bark at me!" 
 
 MoREAu's Mistake. — When Gen. Morean, who forsook 
 the colors of Napoleon, and was afterwards killed fighting 
 against his former commander in Germany, was in the city 
 of Boston, he was made a lion of the first quality. On one 
 occasion, he was invited to Cambridge to attend Commence- 
 ment exercises. The musical society of the college sang an 
 ode, the chorus of which was " To-morrow, to-morrrow, to- 
 morrow." Imperfectly acquainted with our language, he 
 bowed gracefully to the gallery, supposing that they were 
 singing in honor of him, repeating his name in the chorus 
 of their song, — mistaking to-morrow for his name. The 
 mistake produced great merriment in the audience. 
 
 CORRESrOXDEXCE 
 
 Bettoeen J. K. Paulding, S><'rrel<iryoftheXrwy,andanagentofthe Department 
 
 in Alabama. 
 
 The secretary wrote, ^' Dear Sir, — Plea.se inform this 
 department, by return mail, how far the Tombigbeo River 
 runs up. " Respectfully, 
 
 "J. K. Pauldino, Secretary." 
 
 Rep/i/. — "iMobile : Hon. J. K. PAULPINO. Dear Sir, 
 — In reply to your letter just at hand, I have the honor 
 to say that tlie Tombigbee River don't run up at all." 
 
 The Fikht Dkadiiead. — " Who was the first man rec- 
 orded in history that diiln't pay ? " said MathewH, att he 
 was handing a theatrical order to a friend.
 
 260 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 " Why, really, I never gave it a thought," replied the 
 friend. 
 
 " Why, Joseph, of course," said Mathews : " did not his 
 brothers put him in the pit for nothing ? " 
 
 Charles Mathews, jun., was brought up as an architect. 
 The father was once asked by a friend of what profession 
 the young man was to be. 
 
 "Why," said the comedian, "he is to draw houses as 
 his father does." 
 
 A Duel m the Dark. — An Englishman and a French- 
 man having quarrelled, they agreed to fight a duel. Being 
 both cowards, they agreed, for their mutual safety of course, 
 that the duel should take place in a perfectly dark room. 
 The Englishman was to fire first. He groped his way to 
 the hearth, fired up the chimney, and brought down the 
 Frenchman, who had taken refuge there. 
 
 Love at Sight, — A servant-girl, of no strong intel- 
 lect, told her mistress that she was going to give up her 
 place because she expected to be married. 
 
 " And to whom ? " inquired her mistress. 
 
 " Ou, he's a nice lad ; a lad that sits in the kirk just for- 
 nent me." 
 
 " And when does he intend that you and he should be 
 married ? " said the mistress. 
 
 " I dinna ken," was the reply. 
 
 " Are you sure he intends to marry you at all ? " 
 
 " I dare say he does, mem." 
 
 " Have you had much of each other's company ? " 
 
 "Not yet." 
 
 "When did you last converse with him ? " 
 
 " 'Deed, we hae nae conversed awa yet." 
 
 " Then how should you suppose that he is going to marry 
 you ? " "
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 261 
 
 " Ou," replied the simple girl, " he's been long lookin' at 
 me, and I think he'll soon be speaken." 
 
 "I say, Bill, what have you done with that horse of 
 yours ? " 
 
 " Sold him." 
 
 " What did you sell him for ? " 
 
 "Why, he moved so slowly, that I got prosecuted half a 
 dozen times for violating the law against standing in the 
 street." 
 
 Old Roger was asked by a fellow-boarder, who was rather 
 addicted to strong drink, how a man could be said " to die 
 daily." Looking at him significantly, the old gentleman 
 replied, " Young man, it is when he daily takes his beer" 
 The young man signed the pledge that very night. 
 
 "The voice of woman, gentleman," said a romantic indi- 
 vidual, in a late argument at the club-room, — " the voice of 
 woman, no matter how much some of you may be inclined 
 to sneer at the sentiment, exercises a soothing, inspiring, 
 and hallowing influence upon man, comforts him in afflic- 
 tion, encourages him in dismay, and banishes from his mind 
 all those troubles, which, when she is absent, conspire to 
 sink him into the depths of despondency." 
 
 " Tom, you rascal ! " exctlaimcd his wife, at this instant 
 bursting into the room, "come home, you loitering ficamj), 
 and leave tliest; wortldess fellows to themselves. Oh ! wln-n 
 I get you home, won't you catch it? Well, I gue.ss you will. " 
 
 Here Tom left the room abruiitly with Jiis enraged hjhjuso, 
 evidently satisfied with the inspiring influeuco of the voice 
 of woman. 
 
 Old Roger says, that, A^rly years ago, ho began to make 
 woman hi« study, and he liiui found himself unable to vmi'
 
 262 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 ter his subject. He says the reason why he has remained a 
 bachelor is, that woman is so great a blessing that he could 
 not bring himself to think that he was worthy to embrace it. 
 
 What Scripture name would a man use in telling his son 
 to get into a crowded stage. Ansiver. " Ben-jam-in." 
 
 " In the millennium," said an eloquent preacher, who ed- 
 ited a weekly religious organ, — " in that happy time every 
 newspaper subscription-list will be full, and every subscrip- 
 tion paid." Editors called upon their subscribers to help 
 along the " good time coming." 
 
 A Frenchman, exceedingly angry with a waiter, ex- 
 claimed, " You rascal, I'll blow your nose for you." 
 
 As the members of the New-Hampshire Legislature as- 
 sembled in the State House, some years ago, before the ses- 
 sion commenced, an aged farmer, who proved to be a man 
 of good sense, appeared among them, being very poorly clad. 
 He was told that that room was for members of the. Legis- 
 lature. He replied that he was a member elect from such 
 a town ; and added, " There are men in our town better 
 qualified for the work of legislation than I am, but they had 
 not clothes fit to wear hereP 
 
 '■'■ Iowa is teeming with grasshoppers," said a paper of that 
 State, a month since. Quoting this, a Kansas paper said 
 that the people of that State would be glad to team with 
 them. , 
 
 Speaking of blackguards, a certain paper called them 
 African sentinels. 
 
 A love-smitten professor, in one of our colleges, after
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 2G3 
 
 conversing jv while with liis dulcinea pn the interesting topic 
 of matrimony, conchuled at List with a dechiration, and put 
 the emphatic question, " Will you marry 'me ? " 
 
 " I am sorry to disappoint you," replied the lady, " and 
 hope my refusal will not give you pain, but I must answer, 
 NoJ' 
 
 " Well, well, that will do, madam," said her philosophical 
 lover; "and now, suppose we change the subject." 
 
 A young lady, engaged in conversation with a gentleman, 
 spoke of having resided in St. Louis. 
 
 " Was St. Louis your native place ? " inquired the gentle- 
 
 man. 
 
 "Well, yes, — part of the time," responded the lady. 
 
 "I hope this hand is not counterfeit," said a lover, as he 
 was toying with the fingers of his la^J^Movo. 
 
 " The best way to find out is to ring it," was the neat 
 reply. 
 
 A little boy, being told that Indians did not ^oash, said 
 he wiiihed he was an Injun. 
 
 A newspaper clerk, meeting a negro who had not paid him 
 for fifty papers, said, "Look here, you freedman, when are 
 you going to pay for those papers?" 
 
 " Don't troubb; me, boy, don't trouble me," replied the 
 colored gentleman, assuming an air of business, and at tlio 
 same time getting out of the way: "/.s« taken wid de bank- 
 ruptcy; no use to aay nuffin more on dat. subject." 
 
 Some years ago a certain b-gihlaturc, early in tlio 
 sion, voted to dispense with the services of the cliaplain, 
 arid an invitation was exteniI<Mi to the (•li'rg3-men of the 
 House to ofllciatc instea*!. When, subsequently, the Humo
 
 264 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 member, who was instrumental in securing th^g vote, was 
 arguing in favor of reducing the salary of the chaplain of 
 the State Prison, a 'gentleman gravely moved that the office 
 of chaplain be dispensed with, and the religious services of 
 the prison be performed by the pious convicts. This mo- 
 tion produced a hearty laugh. 
 
 " Is your note good ? " asked a merchant of a person 
 who oifered his note for a lot of goods. 
 
 " Well," replied the purchaser, '' I should think it ought 
 to be. It is certainly very popular, for nearly all my ac- 
 quaintances have one each, and some have had the article 
 for years." 
 
 " I hope you will be able to support me," said a young 
 lady, while walking out one evening with her intended, dur- 
 ing a somewhat slippery state of the sidewalks. 
 
 •' Why, yes, " said the somewhat hesitating swain : " with 
 a little assistance from your father." 
 
 There was some confusion, and profound silence. 
 
 Those two celebrated divines and scholars, Dr. South and 
 Dr. Sherlock, were once disputing on some theological sub- 
 ject, when the latter accused his opponent of using his wit 
 in the controversy. "Well," said South, "suppose it had 
 pleased God to give you wit ; what would you have done ? " 
 
 " Ah, Eliza," said a Puritan preacher to a young lady who 
 had just been making her hair into beautiful ringlets, — "all, 
 Eliza, had Grod intended your locks to be curled, he would 
 have curled them for you." 
 
 " So he did," replied the damsel, " when I was an infant ; 
 but now I have grown up, he leaves me to do it for myself" 
 
 During the last century an agreeable delusion prevailed
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 2G5 
 
 that the systematic inhaling of the breath of j-oung ladies 
 tended to prolong life. A physician, who hud written upon 
 health, was so much influenced by this theory that he actu- 
 ally took lodgings in a female boarding-school, that he might 
 have a constant supply of the proper atmosphere. The au- 
 thor of "The Valetudinarian Guide," published in 1779, 
 seems to have taken a dose of this pleasant medicine when- 
 ever he could. "I am myself," says he, "turned of sixt}-; 
 and, in general, though I have lived in various climates, and 
 suffered severely both in body and in mind, yet having alwa3'3 
 partaken of the breath of young women, whenever I met 
 them, I feel none of the infirmities which are so manifest 
 in men, years younger than myself, in this great city of 
 Bath." 
 
 Not many years since, a certain Vermont church was in 
 ' need of a pastor. One sabbath, the minister supplying the 
 pulpit, well known for his eccentric turn of mind, prayed 
 for "a man from the Lord," in this fashion : " Scud us not 
 an old man in his dotage, nor a j'oung man in his gosling- 
 hood, but a man with all the modem improvements.^' 
 
 A very earnest preacher, who could stand no nonsense in 
 the hou.se of God, was much annoyed by the scientific sing- 
 ing in a city church, the pulpit of which ho was occtipying. 
 He relieved his mind in prayer, thus : " Lord ! thou 
 knowe.st, without doubt, what is the meaning of the song 
 which has just been sung in thy hons»! ; but thou knowest 
 tliat we know nothing aI)out it. Neverthulcss, we pray that 
 it may, in some way, bo blcs-sed to us all." 
 
 Father Miller of Torringford, exchanging witli a broth<T 
 whose pulpit greatly needed repairs, stopped at the f<x>t of 
 the [tidpit stairs, eying tlifin Hu><pici<)nsly for a monvtit, 
 apparontly «loubting whether it would be »af<* •<> Ht''p ufwu
 
 266 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 them. He then put one foot on the lower step, carefully 
 but fearfully, making the structure shake throughout. He 
 ascended the flight in the same careful hut secretly malicious 
 manner. When he sat down, he made the whole pulpit edi- 
 fice tremble. During his sermon he would bring down his 
 weighty fist upon the desk with power, and then start back 
 as though he feared the whole structure would give way and 
 let him fall to the floor. The congregation were so affected 
 by this performance, that they repaired the pulpit before the 
 next sabbath. 
 
 Mr. Dexter of Massachusetts, sitting in court during an 
 unsuccessful attempt of a member of the bar to be pathetic 
 in his address to the jury, said that the effort of the gentle- 
 man resembled the effort of a lobster attempting to fly. 
 
 P. Carrigan, Esq., having been chosen a hog-reeve by the 
 town of Concord at an annual meeting, with a view to put a 
 joke upon him, arose and thanked them for the honor they 
 had done him, and assured them that he should, as the best 
 return he could make them for the favor, do his duty with 
 the utmost fidelity ; and told them that, while he remained 
 in office, they must not think of evading the laws against 
 hogs by going on their hind-legs, as many of them had 
 long been accustomed to do. 
 
 It used to be a common saying at the bar in Middle- 
 sex, Mass., " that it was full of all manner of emptiness.''^ 
 
 A father, whose weak-minded son was in a chamber above, 
 went to the foot of the chamber-stairs and called to the son, 
 and said, " John, is your mother there ? " 
 
 " Yes, I guess so," answered John, " for she is not here.'' 
 
 A lawyer, examining a witness, asked him, if, while a par-
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 267 
 
 ticiilar transaction was going on, his client did not stand 
 facing the door with his hack. 
 
 A witness was called upon the stand to prove the hand- 
 writing of a person whose name was upon a note. After 
 being examined and cross-examined,"he finally said that ho 
 thought it was very likehj to he the hand-writing of the per- 
 son, but, at the same time, he thought it was verij likehj it 
 was not. 
 
 A miser objected to the luxurious table of Aristippus. 
 The latter showed him an expensive dish of dainties, and 
 said, " Would you not buy this if it was sold for a pen^y ? " 
 
 " Certainly I would," said the other. 
 
 " Then," said Aristippus, " / only give to luxury what 
 you give to avarice." 
 
 Queen Elizabeth, being much enraged against Dr. Ili-y- 
 ward, author of the " Life of Henry the Fourth," had or- 
 dered her law officers to proceed ag.iinst him, and, amongst 
 others, inquired of Bacon '' if there was not treason in the 
 bo^jk." 
 
 The witty lawyer roadil}' answered, " No, madam, I can- 
 not answer for there being treason in it, but 1 am certain it 
 contains much felony.''^ 
 
 "How?" eagerly exclaimed her Majesty, "how, and 
 wherein ? " I 
 
 " In many passages," rejilied he, " which he has stolen 
 from Tacitus." 
 
 At no time of life should a man givr up llii- thoughts of 
 enjoying the society of women. " In youth," Knys honl 
 I'a/'on, "women arc our mistresses, at a ri|Mr at,"- our 
 con)i>anion8, in old age our nursc-s, and in nil agi-s our 
 friends."
 
 268 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 Dr. Eobertson observed that Johnson's jokes were 
 the rebukes of the righteous, described in Scripture as being 
 like excellent oil. 
 
 " Yes," exclaimed Burke, " oil of vitriol ! " 
 
 A soldier boasted to Julius Csesar of the many wounds he 
 had received in his face. Csesar, knowing him to be a 
 coward, said to him, " The next time you run away, you 
 had better take care how you look behind you." 
 
 Cicero saw Lentulus, his son-in-law, a man of very low 
 stature, with a very long sword by his side. He called out, 
 " Who^Jias tied my son-in-law to that sword ? " 
 
 Gnathena was a Grecian courtesan. When a very 
 diminutive bottle of wine was brought to her to taste, with 
 the recommendation that it was very old, " It may be so," 
 said she, " but it certainly is very small of its age." 
 
 Quinn thought angling a very cruel diversion ; and on 
 being asked why, gave this reason : *' Suppose some supe- 
 rior being should bate a hook with venison, and go a-Quin- 
 ning ; I should certainly bite, and what a figure I should 
 make dangling in the air ! " 
 
 Quinn told Lady Berkeley, who was a beautiful woman, that 
 she looked blooming as the spring ; but, recollecting that 
 the season was not then very promising, he added, " I wish 
 the spring would look like your ladyship." 
 
 A fair lady, to whom the poet Santeuil owed a sum of 
 money, met him one day, and asked him why he did not 
 visit her as formerly. " Is it," said she, " because you are 
 in my debt ? " 
 
 " No, madam, that is not what prevents me ; but you are 
 yourself the cause that you are not paid."
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 269 
 
 " How so ? " said the laJy. 
 
 " It is/' continut'il tlie poet, " because, when I see you, I 
 forget every thing else." 
 
 A certain clergyman preached at St. Merry, and did not 
 plea.se his audience. Santeuil, who was present, said, " This 
 preacher did much better last year." 
 
 Some one observed, " How so ? He did not preach at all 
 last year." 
 
 *'For that very reason," said Santeuil, "he did much 
 better." 
 
 " Pray, Sir Henry," said the Earl of Essex, " what is your 
 opinion of poets ? " 
 
 " I til ink them," said Sir Henry, " the best writers next 
 to those that write prose." 
 
 " How does your new-purchased horse answer? " said tho 
 late Duke of Cumberland to George Selwyn. " I really don'l 
 know," replied George, " for I never asked him a ques- 
 tion." 
 
 Lord M., an Irish nobleman, was remarkable for no small 
 share of vanity. When he was indulging in his favorite 
 strain of egotism in a large company, he made tho following 
 remark : — 
 
 " Wlien I happen to say a foolish thing, I always burst 
 out a-laughing." 
 
 "I envy your happiness, then," said Charles Townsend, 
 " for you muat live the merriest life of any man in Eu- 
 rope." 
 
 A simple youth coming to Home from the country, was 
 obtMTVfd to resemble Augustus s(» iriucli that it wsw the huI>- 
 ject of g<-ncral conversation. The enipiror <.pl.n'il him to
 
 270 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 appear at court, and inquired of him if his mother had 
 ever been in Rome. 
 
 " No," answered the youth, " but my father has." 
 
 As Augustus was pleased with the company of Virgil and 
 Horace, he invited them frequently to his table, and used to 
 seat himself between the two poets. Virgil was asthmatic, 
 and Horace had weak eyes. The emperor said jocosely, 
 in allusion to his situation between these two invalids, 
 '' Here I am, between sighs and tears." 
 
 The following is the account of an accidental meeting 
 between a stranger and a crusty old gentleman. As the 
 latter was riding, his horse made an odd kind of motion 
 with his fore-feet, so as to kick forward. 
 
 " This action of your horse," cried the stranger, " is quite 
 new to me ; many a horse have I seen, but I never saw a 
 horse kick before." 
 
 The old gentleman was so tickled with the pun that he 
 invited the stranger to dinner, and ever after made him his 
 welcome guest. 
 
 When Oliver Cromwell first coined half-crowns, an old 
 Cavalier, looking at one of them, read this inscription, " God 
 toith us," on one side, and " The Commonwealth of Eng- 
 land " on the other side. " I see," said he, " that God and 
 the Commonwealth are opposite ideas." 
 
 A gentleman of reduced fortune came to a person who had 
 formerly been his servant, to borrow money of him. The 
 upstart servant gave him a very mortifying reception, and 
 asked in a haughty tone, " Sir, wliy do you give me all this 
 trouble ? Upon my honor I have no money to lend you, or 
 any one else." 
 
 " I am certain what you say is false," said the gentleman j 
 " for if you were not rich, you dare not be so saucy."
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 271 
 
 " A beautiful day, Mr. Jenkins." 
 - " Yes, very pleasant indeed." 
 
 " Good day for the race." 
 
 " Race, — what race ? " 
 
 " The human race." 
 
 " Oh, go along with your stupid jokes ! get up a good one 
 like the one with which I sold Day." 
 
 « Day, — what day ? " 
 
 " The day we celebrate," said Jenkins, who went on his 
 way rejoicing. 
 
 Dowx-East Lyceum. — Question for discussion : " Can 
 a big man ache harder than a little man ? " 
 
 " I wonder how they make lucifer matches ? " said a 
 young lady to her husband, with whom she was always 
 quarrelling. 
 
 " The process is very simple. I once made one," he 
 answered. 
 
 " How did you manage it ? " 
 
 " By leading you to church." 
 
 Eve, according to Milton, kept silence in Eden to hear 
 her husband talk. Her daughter Eves have preferred talk- 
 ing to listening. 
 
 An old lady, recently, in some court before which she was 
 brought as a witness, when asked to take off her bonnet, 
 obstinately refused to do so, saying, "There is no law to 
 compel a woman to take off her bonnet." 
 
 " Oh ! " imprudently replied one <jf the jmlgfs, " you know 
 the law, do you; perhaps you would like to come up and sit 
 Viere and teach us ? " 
 
 " No, I thank you, sir," said the woman tartly : " there are 
 old women enough there now."
 
 272 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 In all noble enterprises, the ladies are as the electric tele- 
 graph, — far in advance of the males. 
 
 Even French women are disagreeable to one another some- 
 times. The other day, two "dearest friends " were in conver- 
 sation. " My dear," said the eldest, " do you know that your 
 husband told me last night that my cheeks were like 
 roses ? " 
 
 " Yes, love, I know he did. He spoke of it afterwards, 
 and said it was a pity the}'' were yellow roses." 
 
 Laws, like sausages, cease to inspire respect in proportion 
 as we know how they are made. 
 
 A soldier was going oif the field too hastily, when a pro- 
 vost guard cried, " Halt !" — " Can't." — " Wounded ?" — 
 « No." — '' Sick ? " — " No." — " What's the matter ? " — " I 
 am scared, and want to go to the rear to — rally ! " 
 
 Lady Caroline Lamb had, in a moment of passion, knocked 
 down one of her pages with a stool. The poet Moore, to 
 whom this story was told, observed, " Oh, nothing is more 
 natural than for a literary lady to double down a page." 
 
 " I would rather," said one of the company, " advise Lady 
 Caroline to turn over a new leaf." 
 
 A colonel of one of our cavalry regiments was recently 
 complaining, at an evening party, that, from the ignorance 
 and inattention of the officers, he was obliged to do the 
 whole duty of the regiment. Said he, " I am my own 
 major, my own captain, my own lieutenant, my own ensign, 
 my own sergeant, and" — "Your own trumpeter," said a 
 lady present. 
 
 A contraband, undertaking to find a situation for her
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 273 
 
 daughter in Cincinnati, insisted upon said daughter's being 
 instructed. Upon being requested to indicate what kind 
 of accomplishments she was desirous of having her hopeful 
 daughter possess, she said, " De gal must be larned de piano 
 and painting, anyhow; and mebbe, arter a while, readin' 
 and writin'." 
 
 A clergyman was lately depicting before a deeply inter- 
 ested audience the alarming increase of intemperance, when 
 he astonished his hearers by exclaiming, "A young woman 
 in my neighborhood died very suddenly last sabbath while 
 I was preaching the gospel in a state of beastly intoxica- 
 tion." 
 
 Swift, on his return home in the evening, called on a 
 blacksmith by the way, and asked him if he could slioe a 
 lior.se with a candle. "No," replied the son of Vulcan; 
 " but I can with a hammer." 
 
 A lunatic, confined in an asylum for life, being asked 
 how he came there, answered, " By a dispute. The world 
 said I was mad, and I said that the world was mad ; and 
 they carried it against me." 
 
 Two cardinals objected to Raphael, that in one of the 
 pieces he had put too imikIi red in the countenances of Saint 
 Peter and Saint Paul, "lit; not astonished at that, my 
 lords. I have painted them us they are in heaven, blush- 
 ing with shame at seeing the Church so hadlij governed.'" 
 
 "Dey may rail against wiuiinin a.s much a.s dey like," 
 said Sambo : "dey can't set mo up against dom. I h;il) 
 always 'u\ my life found them fust in lovc, fust in a quarrel, 
 fust in de dunce, do fust in de ice-cream saloon, and de fust, 
 best, and last in do sick-room. What should wo pf>or croa- 
 
 18
 
 274 MIRTHFIJLNESS, 
 
 tures do .widout dem ? Let us be born as little, as ugly, 
 and as helpless as you please, and a woman's arms are open 
 to receib us. She it am who gibs us our fust dose of castor- 
 ile, and puts close upon our helpless, naked limbs, and 
 cubbers up our foots and toses in long flannel petticoats ; 
 and she it am, who, as we grows up, fills our dinner-baskets 
 with apples as we start to skool, and licks us when we tears 
 our trousers." 
 
 A Quaker, having married for his wife a member of the 
 Church of England, was asked, after the ceremony, by the 
 clergyman, for his fee, which he said was a crown. The 
 Quaker, astonished at the demand, said if he could be 
 shown any text in Scripture which proved the fees were a 
 crown, he would give it ; upon which the clergyman directly 
 turned to the twelfth chapter of Proverbs, verse fourth, 
 where it is said, " A virtuous woman is a crown to her 
 husband." 
 
 " Thou art right," replied the Quaker, " in thy assertion. 
 Solomon was a wise man : here is thy money, which thou 
 hast well and truly earned." 
 
 It is said to be satisfactorily demonstrated, that every 
 time a wife scolds her husband she adds a wrinkle to her 
 face ! It is thought the announcement of this fact will have 
 the most salutary effect, especially as it is understood that 
 every time a wife smiles on her husband it will remove one 
 of the old wrinkles ! 
 
 Andrew Jackson was once making a stump speech out 
 West, in a small village. Just as he was concluding, Amos 
 Kendall, who sat behind him, whispered, " Tip 'em a little 
 Latin, general : they won't be content without it." Jackson 
 instantly thought upon a few phrases he knew, and, in a 
 voice of thunder, wound up his speech by exclaiming, "^
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 275 
 
 pluribiis unum, sine qua non, ne pht3 ultra, multum in 
 parvo !" The effect was tremendous, and the shouts could 
 be heard at a great distance. 
 
 In examining a class of students, Dr. Abernethy asked one 
 of them what he would do in the case of a man being blown 
 up by gunpowder. "I should wait till he came down 
 again," was the cool reply. 
 
 A gentleman visiting Mr. Wood's school, Edinburgh, 
 had a book put into his hand for the purpose of examining 
 a class. The word inheritance occurring in the verse, the 
 querist interrogated the youngster as follows : — 
 
 " "Wliat is inheritance ? " 
 
 " Patrimony." 
 
 " Wliat is patrimony ? " 
 
 " Something left by a father." 
 
 " What would you call it if left by a mother ? " 
 
 " Matrinuyny." 
 
 " Dear me, bow fluidly he does talk ! " said Mrs. Parting- 
 ton, recently, at a temperance lecture. "I am always re- 
 joiced when he mounts the nostril, for his eloquence warms 
 me in every nerve and cartridge of my body ; verdigreaso 
 itself couldn't be more smooth than his blessed tongue is." 
 And she wiped her spectacles with her cotton bandanna, 
 and never took her eyes from the sjK'aker during the whole 
 hour he was on the stand. Women are curious creatures, 
 after all ; when they once see a man that they like, they 
 will wati;h him. 
 
 A physician, who lived in London, visited a lady who re- 
 sided at Chelsea. After continuing his visits for some time, 
 the lady expressed an ajtprfthension that it might be incon- 
 venient for him to come so far on her account. " Oh 1 by no
 
 276 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 means," replied the doctor : " I have another patient in the 
 neighborhood, and I always set out to kill two birds with 
 
 one stone ! " 
 
 Remarking on an actress of Drury-Lane Theatre, re- 
 markable for her coquetrj'-, " That lady," said Mr. Garrick, 
 " is like those sparkling wines which every one tastes, but 
 none buys." 
 
 During the census in a certain city, an ancient dame 
 returned herself as a Congregational decanter ; meaning, in 
 correct language, " dissenter." 
 
 A gentleman crossing the water lately below Lime House, 
 where laborers were at work in a tier of colliers, and wanting 
 to learn the price of coals in the Pool, hailed one of the 
 men with, " Well, Paddy, how are coals ? " 
 
 " Black as ever, your Honor," replied the Irishman with 
 a hearty laugh. 
 
 A member of Parliament, having brought in a bill that re- 
 quired an amendment, which was denied him by the house, 
 frequently repeated that " he thirsted to mend his bill." At 
 length another member rose and addressed the speaker, 
 humbly moving, that, " as the honorable member who spoke 
 last thirsted so very much, he might be allowed to mend 
 his draught." This .put the house into good-humor, and 
 his petition was granted. 
 
 " Have you the Lays of the Last Minstrel ? " said a city 
 miss, addressing a young man who stood behind the counter 
 of a country store. 
 
 " No, we haven't any o' them kind," said the clerk ; " but 
 we have good fresh hen's eggs, that we can warrant were 
 laid last week."
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 277 
 
 A Scotch blacksmith, being asked the meaning of meta- 
 physics, explained it as follows : " When he who listens dinna 
 ken what the party who speaks means, and when the party 
 who speaks dinna ken what he means himself, that is 
 metaphysics." 
 
 When Foote was at Salt Hill, he dined at the castle ; and 
 when Partridge produced the bill, which was rather exor- 
 bitant, Foote asked him his name. " Partridge, an't please 
 you," said he. " Partridge ! " returned Foote : " it should 
 be Woodcock, by the length of your bill." 
 
 As the late Prof. H was walking near Edinburgh, 
 
 he met one of those beings usually called fools. " Pray," 
 says the professor, accosting him, " how long can a man 
 live without brains ? " 
 
 "I dinna ken," replied the fellow, scratching his head; 
 "how long have 3'ou lived yoursel', sir?" 
 
 Councillor Lamb, an old man when Lord Erskine was in 
 the height of his reputation, was a man of timid manners 
 and nervous di.sposition, and usually prefaced his pleadings 
 with an apology to that effect. On one occasion, when 
 opi)Osed to Erskine, he remarked that he " felt himself 
 growing more and more timid us he grew older." 
 
 "No wonder," replied the witly but relentless barrister; 
 "every one knows, the older a lamb grpws, the more sheei)- 
 ish he becomes." 
 
 The first time the musical instniinent callid tJic serpent 
 was used in a concert where Ilaiidcl presided, he w;us so 
 much Hurpriscrd with the coarseness of its tones, that he 
 called out hastily, "Vat do deil is dat?" On being in- 
 formed it was the 8erj)cnt, he replied, " It never can bo do 
 iK;ri>ent vat seduced Eve."
 
 278 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 "What under the sun can cause that bell to ring to- 
 day ? " said one man to another as they were approaching 
 a country village. 
 
 " If I was to express my candid, unbiassed opinion," was 
 the reply, "I should say that some one was pulling the 
 rope." 
 
 "Now then, Thomas, what are you burning from my 
 writing-table ? " said an author to his servant. 
 
 " Only the paper that's written all over ; I haven't 
 touched the clean,'- was the reply. 
 
 " Well, G , how do you like your profession ? " asked 
 
 a friend of a young lawyer who had been lately admitted to 
 the bar. 
 
 "My profession is better than my practice" was the 
 reply. 
 
 " Look here, Pete," said a knowing darky ; " don't stand 
 dar on the railroad." 
 
 "Why, Joe?" 
 
 " Kase, if de cars see that mouf ob yours, dey tink it am 
 de depo', and run rite in." 
 
 " I say, Dick, don't you think that if the women had to 
 do the fighting, instead of the men, they would make cruel 
 work of it ? " 
 
 "No. Why do you ask ? " 
 
 " Because they have such an engaging way with them." 
 
 " That's very true ; but then they have such a captivating 
 way, that there would doubtless be more prisoners than 
 killed." 
 
 You often hear of man being in advance of his age; but 
 you never heard of a woman being in the same predica- 
 ment.
 
 MISCELLAXEOUS ANECDOTES. 279 
 
 " My dear, what shall we name bub ? " 
 " Wlij, huz, I've settled on Peter." 
 
 " I never knew a man by the simple name of Peter that 
 could ever earn his salt." 
 
 " Well, then call him Salt Peter." 
 
 " I don't know where that boy got his temper. He did 
 not take it from me." 
 
 *' No, no, my dear; I cannot see that you have lost any." 
 
 A lawyer, not over young and handsome, in examining 
 a young lady in court, complimented her on her personal 
 beauty. 
 
 " Were I not under oath to tell nothing but the truth," 
 she replied, " I would return the compliment." 
 
 "Pray, Miss C ," said a gentleman, one evening, 
 
 " why are ladies so fond of officers ? " 
 
 '• How stupid ! " replied ^Miss C . " Is it not natural 
 
 and proper that a lady should like a good offer, sir?" 
 
 A gentleman, whose order was largely developed, had a 
 clerk in his employ wlio.se habits about the office were any 
 thing but ord<'rly. Nothing under his hand had a fixed 
 locality, and every thing was at odds and ends. This care- 
 lessness brought out a reproof from the employer, who, after 
 a general lecture on the subject of mal-arraugements, quoted 
 the old precept, and said, — 
 
 " Sir, you shoulil have a place for every thing." 
 " I have, sir," replied the junior, "a great many i)lace8 
 for every thing." 
 
 " Bill, you young scamp, if you had your due, you'd got 
 a good whipping." 
 
 " I know it, daddy ; but bilh are not always paid when 
 dm."
 
 280 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 " Sir," said a little Mustering man ta his religious oppo- 
 nent in front of the Tremont Temple on a Sunday even- 
 ing, " I say, sir, to what sect do you think I belong ? " 
 
 " Well, I don't exactly know," replied the other ; " but, to 
 judge from your make, size, and appearance, I should say 
 you belonged to a class called the insect" 
 
 " Pa, what makes the people go to hear Webster, if they 
 have all got to be put in irons ? " 
 
 " To be put in irons ! Cimon, what do you mean ? " 
 
 " Why, the papers say, that, at his great speech t'other 
 day, the entire audience were chained to the spot." 
 
 " Susan, put this boy to bed as quick as possible." 
 
 A little boy, four or five years old, was much vexed with 
 his grandmother for boxing his ears ; but, not daring to ex- 
 press his feelings directly to the old lady, he took up his 
 favorite cat, and, stroking her back, thus addressed her : — 
 
 " Well, pussy, I wish one of us three was dead ; and it 
 ain't you, pussy, and it ain't me ! " 
 
 A down-easter lately came to New York, and took lodg- 
 ings at one of the high houses. Telling the waiter he 
 wished to be called in the morning for the boat, both of 
 them proceeded on their winding way upwards, till hav- 
 ing arrived at the eighth flight of stairs, when Jonathan 
 caught the arm of his guide, and accosted him thus : — 
 
 " Look here, stranger ! if you intend to call me at six 
 o'clock in the morning, you might as well do it now; as 
 'twill be that time afore I can get down again.'" 
 
 At the time when Whitefield was in Boston, drawing 
 crowds to listen to his eloquence, Dr. Byles remarked one 
 day, that he would " go sooner to hear Whitefield than any 
 other preacher." The person addressed marvelled at the
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 281 
 
 remark, because WhitefielJ's doctrines were not consonant 
 with the doctor's feelings ; and he said to liim, " Why so, 
 doctor?" — "Because," said the wag, "if I didn't, I 
 couldn't get in." 
 
 ^lany years ago, in Connecticut, a certain justice was to 
 liberate a worthless debtor by receiving his oath that he 
 was not wortli five pounds. 
 
 "Well, Johnny," said the justice as he entered, "can 
 you swear that you are not worth five pounds, and never 
 will be ? " 
 
 " AVhy," answered the other, rather chagrined at the 
 question, " I can swear that I am not worth that amount 
 at pvp-aent.^^ 
 
 " Well, well," returned the justice, " I can swear to the 
 rest ; so step forward, Johnny." 
 
 At one time, Daniel Webster had a difficult case to 
 plead, and a verdict was rendered against his client. One 
 of the witnesses came to him, and said, " Mr. Webster, if 
 I ha^l thought we should have lost the case, I might have 
 testified a great deal more than I did." — "It's of no con- 
 sequence," replied the lawyer: "the jury did not believe a 
 word you said." 
 
 A Dutchman in Albany, some time back, went out to his 
 milkman in the street with a dish in ciu-h hand, instead of 
 cue, as usual. The disjx-nser of attenuated milk asked him 
 if he wished him to fill both vessels. The Dutthman re- 
 plied, suiting the action to the word, " Dis is for de inilluk, 
 and dis for do watery and I will mix dem to shuto 
 miueself." 
 
 A Western orator declared from the "stump," that "lie 
 was bora at a very curly period of life."
 
 282 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 A clergyman, preaching in the city of London, took 
 occasion to reprove some of his congregation for sleeping in 
 church, and observed that many arguments could not be 
 necessary to show the enormity of that offence, as it was 
 one of those sins which people must commit with their eyes 
 open. 
 
 Two lawyers, when a knotty case was o'er, 
 
 Shook hands, and were as good friends as before. 
 
 *' Say," cries the losing client, " how came you 
 
 To be such friends, who were such foes just now ? " 
 
 " Thou fool ! '' one answers, " lawyers, though so keen, 
 
 Like shears, ne'er cut themselves, but what's between." 
 
 " I wish you would not smoke cigars," said a black-eyed 
 
 girl to her lover. 
 
 " Why not I smoke, as well as your chimney ? " 
 
 " Because chimneys don't smoke when they are in good 
 
 order." 
 
 " Are you an Odd Fellow ? " 
 " No, sir : I've been married for a week." 
 " I mean, do you belong to the order of Odd Fellows ? '* 
 "No, no : I belong to the order of married men." 
 " Mercy ! how dumb ! Are you a Mason ? " 
 " No : I'm a carpenter by trade." 
 
 " Worse and worse. Are you a Son of Temperance ? " 
 "■ Bother you ! no : I'm a son of Mr. John Gosling." 
 The querist went away. 
 
 Dr. Brown courted a lady unsuccessfully for many years, 
 during which time he every day drank her health ; but 
 being observed at last to omit the custom, a gentleman 
 said, "Come, doctor, your old toast." — "Excuse me," said 
 he: "as I cannot make her Brown, I'll toast her no longer."
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 283 
 
 " You saved my life on one occasion," said a beggar to 
 a captain, under whom he had served. 
 
 " In what way ? " 
 
 " Why, I served under you in battle ; and when you ran 
 away, I followed." 
 
 Judge Jeffrey, of notorious memory, pointing to a man 
 with his cane who was to be tried, said, "There's a great 
 rogue at the end of my cane." The man to whom ho 
 pointed asked, " Which end, your Honor ? " 
 
 A famous usurer of Paris being on his death-bed, his 
 confessor presented a silver crucifix to him, with a view to 
 awaken him to a sense of his situation. The dying miser, 
 after examining the cross with the most minute attention, 
 suddenly exclaimed, " Sir, I can lend you but a very small 
 sum upon such a pledge." 
 
 A clergyman, having preached during Lent in a small 
 town where he had not been once invited to dinner, said, in 
 a sermon exhorting his parishioners against being seduced 
 by the prevailing vices of the age, " I have preached against 
 every vice but luxuriou.s living, having })ad no ojjportunity 
 of observing to what extent it is carried in this town." 
 
 A mini.ster was walking out one da}', and passed two 
 little boys, one of whom made a Imjw. Ah he turned liis 
 back, he lieard th(^ following amusing (conversation: — 
 
 " Why, John, didn't you know that was I'arson M. ? " 
 
 " Ye.s, of course 1 did." 
 
 " Well, why did you not make a bow to him ? " 
 
 " Why, my mother don't belong to his church." 
 
 A High Chufflnnan wan once a.skc-d what made his library 
 look 80 thin. His reply wa.s, " My books all keep Lent."
 
 284 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 A judge once reprimanded a lawyer for bringing several 
 small suits into court, remarking that it would have been 
 better for the parties in each case had he persuaded his 
 clients to an arbitration of some two or three honest men. 
 '' Please your Honor," retorted the lawyer, " we did not 
 choose to trouble honest men with them." 
 
 A painter, having turned physician, was asked the reason. 
 " Because," replied he, " my former business exhibited my 
 mistakes in too glaring a manner; therefore I have now 
 chosen one in which they will all be buried." 
 
 A jury of twelve "wise men" returned a verdict of not 
 guilty in a case respecting a female prisoner, but accom- 
 panied it with the hope that she would never be guilty of 
 a like offence again ! 
 
 An attorney, about to finish a bill of costs, was requested 
 by his client, a baker, to "make it as light as possible." 
 
 " Ah ! " replied the attorney, " that's what you may say to 
 your foreman, but it's not the way I make my bread." 
 
 A lawyer wrote " Rascal " in the hat of his brother-law- 
 yer, who, on discovering it, entered a complaint in open 
 court against the trespasser, who, he said, had not only 
 taken his hat, but had written his own name in it. 
 
 A fellow with a scolding wife, hearing that the dumb 
 ague prevailed in a certain region, proposed making his 
 home there. 
 
 " What did you give for that horse, Jones ? " 
 " My note," was the reply. 
 
 " You got him cheap, I must confess ; but the man of 
 whom, you purchased him must be a sufferer."
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 285 
 
 i 
 
 A lady wrote upon a window some verses intimating her 
 intention of never marrying. A gentleman wrote the fol- 
 lowing lines underneath : — 
 
 " The lady who this resolution took 
 Wrote it on glass to show it could be broke." 
 
 " I fear," said a country minister to his congregation, 
 " when I told you in my last charity-sermon that pliilan- 
 thropy was the love of our species, you must have under- 
 stood me to say specie, which may account for the smalliiess 
 of your contributions." 
 
 A negro once gave the following toast : " De Gubenior 
 ob our State. He come in wid very little opposition : he 
 go out wid none at all." 
 
 A country trader, purchasing goods in Boston, was asked 
 if he did not want some half-mourning goods. 
 
 " I think I will take a lot," was the reply, " as many 
 people up our way appear to be about half dead.'' 
 
 A Frenchman translating an English book into his own 
 language, on coming to the words *' chestnut horse," trans- 
 lated them, " a horse made of chestnuts." 
 
 Rev. Dr. li. having inadvertently preached one of his 
 sermons for the third time, one of his parishioners said to 
 him, after service, " Do<;tor, the sermon you preached to us 
 this morning having ha<l three several readings, I move 
 that it be passed." 
 
 "What is that dug barking at?" asked a fop, whose 
 boots were more polishefl than his ideas. 
 
 " Why,'' replied a bystander, " he is barking at ancjther 
 puppy, which he sees in your boots."
 
 * 
 
 286 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 Queen Elizabeth entering Bristol, a speech was to be 
 delivered to her. The honest man appointed to perform 
 this service began : " May it please your sacred majesty, 
 I am the mouth of the town ; " and then, all amazed, forgot 
 the rest. The queen, sporting, said, once or twice, " Speak, 
 good mouth ! " 
 
 " Mother," sjlid a bright-eyed girl of thirteen years of 
 age, " may I be married ? " 
 "No." 
 
 "Why not ? You have been." 
 " I know I have, and have seen the folly of it." 
 " Well, I want to see the folly of it too." 
 
 A shopkeeper had obtained the name of little rascal. A. 
 stranger asked him why he had received this appellation. 
 " To distinguish me from the rest of my trade," said he, 
 " who are all great rascals." 
 
 A poor German, a relative of John Jacob Astor, once 
 applied to him for charity. Mr. Astor gave him a five-dol- 
 lar bill. 
 
 "Why," said the disconcerted relative, "your son just 
 gave me ten dollars." 
 
 " Well he may ! " said the old man : " the dog has a rich 
 father." 
 
 A member of a legislature, who indulged in afternoon 
 naps, requested his friend to awaken him when the lumber 
 act came on. His friend omitted it by forgetfulness, but 
 accidentally gave him a jog as the house was discussing a 
 bill to prevent fraud. The sleeper started up suddenly, 
 rubbed his eyes, and exclaimed, " Mr. Speaker, a word or 
 two upon that bill, for more than half of my constituents 
 get their living no other way."
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 287 
 
 A clerfjyman preached a sermon which one of his auditors 
 commended. " Yes," said a gentleman to whom it was 
 mentioned, " it was a good sermon, but he stole it." This 
 was told the preacher, wlio was very angry, and called on 
 the gentleman to retract his words. 
 
 "I am not," replied the aggressor, ''in the habit of tak- 
 ing back what I have said ; but in this instance I will. I 
 said you stole the sermon. I was wrong ; for, on referring 
 to the book from whence I thought it was taken, I found it 
 there ! " 
 
 "Husband, I hope you have no objection to my being 
 weighed." 
 
 " Certainly not, my dear ; but why do you ask the 
 question ? " 
 
 " Only to see, love, if you would let me have my weigh 
 
 once." 
 
 ** My brethren," said Dean Swift in a sermon, " there are 
 three kinds of pride, — of birth, of riches, and of talent. 
 I shall not speak of the latter, none of you being liable to 
 that abominable vice." 
 
 A peddler was offering Yankee clocks, with a looking-glass 
 in front, to a very homely lady. " Wh}-, it's beautiful," 
 said the vender. 
 
 " Beautiful, indeed ! a look at it almost frightens me ! " 
 said the lady. 
 
 "Then, marm," replied Jonathan, "I guess you'd better 
 buy one that hain't got no looking-glass in it." 
 
 A foj), dining at a fashionable hotel, was ri'cjuested by ft 
 gentleman to piiKs him some article of food. " Do you 
 mistake nie for a waiter?" said the exqui-sitf. 
 
 "No, »ir: I mistook you for a gentlemun," wan tho 
 sarcastic reply.
 
 288 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 An ignoramus, in giving orders for a library, requested 
 the bookseller to furnish him all the works of Pope, Milton, 
 and Shakspeare ; and added, " If those fellows publish any 
 thing new, don't fail to let me have them." 
 
 " What are you going to give me for a Christmas pres- 
 ent ? " asked a gay damsel of her lover. 
 
 " I have nothing to give but my humble self/' was the 
 reply. 
 
 " The smallest favors gratefully received," was the merry 
 response of the lady. 
 
 " Pa, isn't that man in what they call the springtime 
 of life ? " 
 
 " Why, my son ? " 
 
 " Because he looks so very green." 
 
 A clergyman was censuring a lady for tight lacing. 
 " Why," replied she, " would you recommend loose habits 
 to your parishioners ? " 
 
 A young lady being asked by a bore of a politician which 
 party she preferred, replied, " A wedding-party." 
 
 A Scotch clergyman, a strict catechist, in examining one 
 of his flock, thus addressed her : '^ Janet, can you tell me 
 how Adam fell ? " 
 
 Janet fell a-laughing, and answered, '' me bonnie 
 dear doctor, you're na serious ! " 
 
 "Very serious indeed," said the doctor. 
 
 Janet (whose husband's name was Adam) then said,. 
 " Weel, weel, sin ye will ha't, doctor, you see, 'Adam just 
 gaed o'er the tither night to Lucky Liston's for half a much- 
 kin o' whiskey, when an oar lying on the road took his foot, 
 and o'er fell Adam j and that's the hale truth o' the matter."
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 289 
 
 A poor son of Crispin having secured a steak for his din- 
 ner, found he had no other instrument with whicli to 
 prepare his meat for mastication than an awL With this 
 he hegan the operation, saying, " My awl is at stake." 
 
 A very ignorant person being complimented on his good 
 sense in the presence of a clever young lady, " I don't 
 wonder," said she archly, "at his possessing a large stock 
 of good sense, for he never wastes any." 
 
 A witness was examined before a judge in a case, who 
 required him to repeat the precise words spoken. The wit- 
 ness hesitated until he riveted the attention of the whole 
 court upon him ; then, fixing his eyes earnestly on the judge, 
 began : " May it please your Honor, you lie and steal, and 
 get your living by stealing ! " The face of the judge red- 
 dened, and he immediately exclaimed, " Turn to the jury, 
 sir ! " 
 
 A 'Mr. Fuller and a Mr. Sparrowhawk walking together, 
 among other merry discourse, says Fuller, '• What is the 
 difference between an owl and a sparrowhawk ? " 
 
 " Oh ! " says Sparrowhawk, "'tis fuller in the face, fuller 
 in the body, and fuller all over." 
 
 "Do you know," said a tunning Vankee to a Jew, ''that 
 they hang Jews and jackasses together in Poland ? " 
 
 " Indeed, brother; then it's well you and I are not there." 
 
 The following notice was once fixed upon tlio chureh- 
 
 door of Ludford, in Hertfordshire, and read in the church: 
 
 "This is to give notice that no person is to be huried in 
 
 this chunthyard but those ///-/wy in tlie parish; and those 
 
 who wuh to be hurinl are desired to apply to nje. 
 
 "EriiKAiM Gkuu, Parish Clerks 
 19
 
 290 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 In former times, it was a maxim "that a young woman 
 should not marry until she had spun herself a set of body 
 and table linen. From this custom, all unmarried women 
 were termed spinsters, — an appellation they still retain in 
 England, in all deeds and legal proceedings. 
 
 A clergyman, having but little practical knowledge of 
 horses, was called to testify in an English court with regard 
 to the soundness of a horse. He . was very confused in 
 giving his evidence ; and a furious, blustering counsellor, 
 who examined him, was at last tempted to say, " Pray, sir, 
 do you know the difference between a horse and a cow ? '' 
 
 '•' I acknowledge my ignorance," said the parson : " I 
 hardly know the difference between a horse and a cow, or a 
 bully and a bull ; only that a bull, I am told, has horns, and 
 a bully, I see," bowing respectfully to the counsellor, " luck- 
 ily for me, has none." 
 
 " Why did Adam bite the apple ? " said a schoolmaster to 
 a country lad. " Because he had no knife," said the urchin. 
 
 A prince, laughing at one of his courtiers whom he had 
 employed in several embassies, told him he looked like an 
 owl. " I know not what I look like," answered the courtier, 
 " but this I know, that I have had the honor, several times, 
 to represent your Majesty in person." 
 
 Dr. A •, physician at Newcastle, being summoned to 
 
 a vestry in order to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, 
 dwelt so long on the sexton's misconduct as to raise his 
 indignation, so as to draw from him this expression : " Sir, 
 I was in hopes you would have treated my failings with 
 more gentleness, or that you would have been the last man 
 alive to appear against me, as I have covered so many of 
 your blundersJ'
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 291 
 
 A healthy old gentleman was once asked by the king 
 what physician and apothecary he made use of to look so 
 well at his time of life. '' Sir/' replied the gentleman, " my 
 physician has always been a horse, and my apothecary an 
 ass." 
 
 A finished coquette, at a ball, asked a gentleman near 
 her whether he could flirt a fan which she held in her hand. 
 
 " No, madam," answered he, proceeding to use it; " but I 
 ciiu fan a flirt." 
 
 Tlie Duke d'Orsuna, being Viceroy of Naples, went on 
 board a Spanish galley, on a festival, to exercise his right 
 of delivering one of the wretches from punishment. On 
 interrogating them why thoy were brought there, they all 
 asserted their innocence but one, who confessed that his 
 punishment was too small for his crimes. The duke said, 
 " Here, take away this rascal, lest he should corrupt all 
 these honest men." 
 
 A painter was emplo3'ed in painting a West-India ship 
 in the river, suspended on a stage under the ship's stern. 
 The captain, who had just got alongside for the purpose of 
 going on shore, ordered the boy to let go the painter (the 
 rope wliich makes fast the boat). The boy instantly went 
 'aft, and let go the rope by which the painter's stage wa.s 
 held. The captain, surprised at the boy's delay, cried out, 
 '• You lazy dug, why <Ion't you let go the painter ? " The 
 boy r('])lied, " Jle^s ijone, sir, 2)ots and all." 
 
 Sheridan made his appearance, one day, in a pair of new 
 boots. Tliese attracting the notice of Homo of liis frinids, 
 "Now puesH," said he, "how I caino by these boots." 
 Many probaJdc gue.sses then took pl;u*e. " No," Haid SIhtI- 
 dfii, " no, you've not liit it, nor fvir will. I l>ought tiMiii 
 and paid for them."
 
 292 MIRTIIFULNESS. 
 
 "When Sir Elijah Impey, the Indian judge, was on his 
 passage home, as he was one day walking the deck, it hav- 
 ing blown pretty hard the preceding day, a shark was play- 
 ing by the side of the ship. Haying never seen such an 
 object before, he called one of the sailors to tell him what 
 it was. " Why," replied the tar, " I don't know what name 
 they know them by ashore, but here we call them ^sea- 
 lawyers.^ " 
 
 Lady Bath, with, an unbearable temper, had a great deal 
 of wit. Lord Bath, saying to her, in one of her passions, 
 " Pray, my dear, keep your temper," she replied, " Keep 
 my temper ! I don't like it so well, and I wonder you 
 should." 
 
 Mr. Pope, sneering at the ignorance of a young man, 
 asked him if he knew what an interrogation was. " Yes, 
 sir," said he : " 'tis a little crooked thing that asks questions." 
 
 A gentleman having received some abuse, in passing 
 through an inn in chancery, from some of the impudent 
 clerks, he was advised to complain to the principal, which 
 he did accordingly ; and, coming before him, accosted him 
 in the following manner : " I have been grossly abused here 
 by some of the rascals of this house ; and, understanding 
 you are the principal, I am come to acquaint you with it." ^ 
 
 A mischievous boy, having got possession of his grand- 
 father's spectacles, privately took out the glasses ; and when 
 the old gentleman put them on, finding he could not see, 
 he exclaimed, "Mercy on me! Pve lost my sight;" but, 
 thinking the impediment to vision might be the dirtiness 
 of the glasses, took them off to wipe them, when, not feel- 
 ing them, he, still more frightened, cried out, " Why, what's 
 come now ? Why, Pve lost my feeling too ! "
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 293 
 
 A certain lodging-house was very much infested by ver- 
 min. A gentleman who slept there one night told the 
 landlady so in the morning, when she said, "No, sir, we 
 haven't a single bug in the house." 
 
 " No, ma'am," said he : " they are all married, and have 
 large families too." 
 
 A person who was famous for arriving just at dinner- 
 time, upon going to a friend, where he was a frequent vis- 
 itor, was asked by the lady of the house if he would do as 
 they did. On his replying he should be happy to have the 
 pleasure, she replied, ^' Dine at hom^, then." He, of course, 
 received his quietus, for some time at least. 
 
 A shoemaker having heard the famous Thomas Fuller 
 repeat some verses on a scolding wife, was so delighted with 
 them as to request a copy. "There is no necessity for 
 that," said Fuller, " as you have got the original." 
 
 "Why do you not admire my daughter?" said Lady 
 Archer to a nobleman. 
 
 " Because," replied he, "I am no judge of painting." 
 " But, surely," replied her ladyship, not in the least dis- 
 concerted by this rude reflection, " you never saw an angel 
 that was not painted." 
 
 A countryman was driving an xss by St. James's gate one 
 day, which, being dull and restive, ho was forced to beat 
 very much. A gentleman coming out of the gate, chid the 
 fellow for using his beast HO cruelly. "Oh, dear! sir," said 
 the countryman, "I am glad to find my ass has a friend at 
 
 court." 
 
 An old RoundheiKl in Oliver's time comjilaining of sorao 
 ^ heavy rain that fell, said u Cavalier standing by, " What
 
 294 MIRTHFIJLNESS. 
 
 unreasonable fellows you Roundheads are, who will neither 
 be pleased when God rains, nor when the king reigns ! " 
 
 A gentleman having occasion to call on Mr. Joseph 
 G n, a writer, found him at home in his writing-cham- 
 ber. He remarked upon the great heat of the apartment, 
 and said " it was as hot as an oven." — " So it ought to be," 
 replied Mr. G n j " for 'tis here I make my bread." 
 
 ' Mrs. Drummond, a famous preacher amongst the Quakers, 
 being asked by a gentleman if the spirit had never in- 
 spired her with thoughts of marriage, " No, friend," says 
 she : " but flesh and blood often have." 
 
 A young woman, not averse to matrimony, requested her 
 father to look out a husband for her. Surprised at her im- 
 promptu, he made use of the quotation from St. Paul : 
 " They who marry, do well ; but they who do not, do 
 better." — '' Well," says she, "let me do well; and let who 
 will, do better.'' 
 
 A father chiding his son for not leaving his bed at an 
 earlier hour, told him, as an inducement, that a certain man, 
 being up betimes, found a purse of gold. " It might be so," 
 replied the son ; " but he that lost it was up before him." 
 
 A gentleman who went to hire a house, asked the maid- 
 servant of the family occupying the house, — a very hand- 
 some girl, — whether she was to be let with the house. 
 She answered, " No : she was to be let alone." 
 
 A steward wrote to a bookseller in London for some books 
 to fit up his master's library. " In the first place, I want 
 for the vacant shelves six feet of theology, the same 
 quantity of school metaphysics, and near a yard of old civil 
 law in folio."
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 29'> 
 
 A gentleman observed one day to Mr. Henry Erskin«, 
 who was a great punster, that punning was tlie loivest sort 
 of wit. " It is so," answered he ; " and therefore the foun- 
 dation of all wit." 
 
 A father was going to preach upon the text of the 
 Samaritan woman ; and, after reading it, he said, " Do not 
 wonder, my beloved, that the text is so long ; for it is a 
 woman that speaks." 
 
 A physician travelled in Cambridgeshire, and found the 
 roads so inaccessible around the town, that he repaired to 
 the rector of the parish, and exclaimed, "Ah, sir! you may 
 preach long enough ; but your parishioners \o\\ never mend 
 their ways." 
 
 All the teeth of a talkative lady being loose, she asked 
 the Chevalier Raspini the cause of it, who answered, " It 
 did proceed from de violent shocks her ladyslxip did give 
 them with her tongue." 
 
 An old offender was lately brought before a learned jus- 
 tice of the peace. The constable, as a proliniinary, informed 
 Ills worsliip that he had in custody John Simmons, alias 
 Jones, alias Smith. 
 
 "Very well," said the magistrate, "I will try the two 
 women first. Bring in Alice Jones." 
 
 A gentleman, whose nose and chin were both very lonjj. 
 hail lost his teeth, whereby the nose and chin wen- 
 brought together. " I am afraid your nose, and chin will 
 fight before long; they approa<-h each other very mena- 
 cingly," said one to liim. " I aiii afraid of it niysi-lf." 
 replied the gentleman; "for a great nuuiy words Imvo 
 pas.Hcd between them already."
 
 296 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 Two country attorneys, overtaking a wagoner on the 
 road, and thinking to he witty upon him, asked why his 
 fore horse was so fat, and the others so lean. The wagoner, 
 knowing them, answered, " that his fore horse was a lawyer, 
 and the others were his clients." 
 
 A person, complaining to another of the want of liberty 
 in their country, was answered, " Surely you have liberty 
 to live and do as you like." — '' Oh ! yes," rejoined the 
 other ; " but I want to have liberty to make others do as I 
 like." 
 
 A preacher who advised a drowsy hearer to take a pinch 
 of snuff occasionally at service to keep him awake, was 
 advised in his turn to put the snuff in his sermon. 
 
 A man lately confined in a Scotch jail for cattle-stealing, 
 managed, with five others, to break out on Sunday ; and, 
 being captured on one of the neighboring hills, he very 
 gravely remarked to the officer, "I might have escaped, 
 biit I had consci&ntious scmples about travelling on Sun- 
 day." 
 
 A contemporary introduced a piece of poetry with these 
 words : "The following lines were written more than fifty 
 years ago, by one who has for many years slept in his 
 grave unerely for his own amusement." 
 
 Home Tooke being asked by George III. whether he 
 played at cards, replied, "I cannot, your Majesty, tell a 
 king from a knave." 
 
 "Col. W is a fine-looking man, isn't he?" said a 
 
 friend the other day. 
 
 " Yes," replied another. " I was taken for him once."
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 297 
 
 "You ! Wh}', you're as ugly as sin." 
 "I dou't care for tliat': I was taken for him once. I 
 indorsed his note; and I was taken for him by the sheriff." 
 
 There is a well-known custom prevailing in our criminal 
 courts of assigning counsel to such prisoners as have no one 
 to defend them. On one occasion, the Court finding a man 
 accused of theft, and without counsel, said to a lawyer who 
 
 was present, " Mr. -, please to withdraw with the 
 
 prisoner, confer with him, and then give him such counsel 
 as may be best for his interest." The lawyer and his client 
 then withdrew ; and, in fifteen or twenty minutes, the law- 
 yer returned into court. 
 
 " Where is the prisoner ? " asked the Court. 
 
 " He has gone, your Honor," said the hopeful legal " limb." 
 " Your Honor told- me to give him the best advice I could 
 for his interest ; and, as he said he was guilty, I thought the 
 best counsel I could offer him was to cut and run j which he 
 took at once." 
 
 " Jane, what letter in the alphabet do you like best ? " 
 " Well, I don't like to say, Mr. Snob." 
 " Pooh, nonsense ! tell right out. Jane, which do you 
 like best?" 
 
 " Well," dropping her eyes, " I like U the best." 
 
 A man in Ohio, W(;ll mountt-d, urging forward a drove of 
 fat hogs to market, met a charming lot of little girls as 
 they were returning from school, when one of them, as 
 they passed the "swinish multitude," made a very pretty 
 courtesy. 
 
 " What! my little gal," said the man, "do you curchcy 
 to a whole drove of hogs ? "• 
 
 " No, sir," said she with a moat provoking smilu ; " only 
 to the one on horseback."
 
 298 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 A young lady, who had been severely interrogated at 
 court by an ill-tempered counsel, observed, on leaving the 
 witness-box, that she never before fully understood what 
 was meant by cross-examination. 
 
 " Stranger," said a benighted American traveller, who had 
 been wending his toilsome march through brier and brake, 
 through bramble and thicket, as he came upon a raw-look- 
 ing genius at the door of a log hut, " which is the road to 
 ?" 
 
 " There's two roads," responded the fellow. 
 
 " Well, which is the best ? " 
 
 " Ain't much difference : both on 'em awful bad. Take 
 which you will, afore you've got half way you'll wish you'd 
 tuck t'other." 
 
 A domestic newly engaged presented his master with a 
 pair of boots, the leg of one of which was much longer than 
 the other. " How comes it that these boots are not of the 
 same length ? " — "I really don't know, sir ; but what bothers 
 me most is, that the pair down stairs are in the same fix." 
 
 Lord Chesterfield's physician having informed him that 
 h^was dying " by inches," he thanked Heaven that he was 
 not so tall by a foot as Sir Thomas Eobinson. 
 
 A young man, whose self-esteem appeared to be more 
 fully developed than his conscientiousness, offered a very 
 inadequate price for some property he was desirous of pos- 
 sessing, and, having waited a few days without receiving 
 any reply from the owner, called upon him for a decision, 
 and with much self-complacency put the question, " Pray, 
 sir, do you entertain my proposition ? " 
 
 " No, sir," was the reply; " but your proposition entertains 
 
 me."
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 299 
 
 Mr, Curran passing through an obscure alley in Dublin, 
 observing a pane of glass patched by a page of a very dull 
 book, exclaimed to his companion, " 'Tis the first time, I 
 believe, that the author has thrown light upon any subject^ 
 
 The household furniture of an English barrister, then 
 recently deceased, was being sold in a country town, when 
 one neighbor remarked to another that the stock of goods 
 and chattels appeared to be extremely scanty, considering 
 the rank of the lawyer, their late owner. 
 
 " It is so," was the reply ; " but the fact is, he had very 
 few causes, and therefore could not have many effects.' 
 
 A pompous parish clergyman felt his dignity mightily 
 offended by a chubby-faced lad, who was passing him with- 
 out moving his hat. 
 
 " Do you know who I am, sir, that you pass in this un- 
 mannerly way? You are better fed than taught, I think. 
 
 sir." 
 
 " Whoy, maybe it is so, mestur ; for yo teyches me, but I 
 feeds mysel'." 
 
 In a school, the perplexetl master, addressing an unruly, 
 careless lad, who gave him more trouble than all the spal- 
 peens together, emphatically said, " I do wish you'd bo after 
 paying a little attintion to what I'm telling av ye." 
 
 " So I am," replied the impudent urchin ; " I am paying 
 as little as I can." 
 
 When Cape wino was first introduced into England, a 
 merchant with whom Sheridan was dining l»ri)uglit out a 
 single bottle, wliich he had received as a sample, and begged 
 the opinion of his guests on its merits. It was thoroughly 
 approved, and another bottle was urgently called for. The 
 liost declared, upon his honor, that lie couM not gratify tho
 
 300 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 company by any more of the wine ; it was a mere sample, 
 a single bottle, and he was glad they liked it. "Well, 
 well," said Sheridan, " if we cannot double the Cape, we must 
 return to Madeira." 
 
 " Ma, whereabouts in the map shall I find the State of 
 Matrimony ? " 
 
 " Oh ! my dear, that is one of the United States." 
 
 It was a good play upon words by which a lazy, unpunc- 
 tual man was greeted on his happening to be early at an 
 appointed meeting one day. " Why, you are first at last ; 
 you have always been behind before." 
 
 And a little gentleman very truthfully said, he never lay 
 long in bed, nor ever wore a great coat. 
 
 An Irish gentleman, building a house, ordered a pit to be 
 dug to contain the heaps of rubbish left by the workmen. 
 His steward asked what they should do with the earth dug 
 out of the pit. " Make it large enough to hold both the 
 rubbish and the earth, to be sure," said he. 
 
 In a speech, at a meeting in the Presbyterian church in 
 Saratoga, a temperance lecturer said, "Fathers, you have 
 children ; or, if you have not, your daughters may have." 
 
 The transmigration of souls was the subject in a largo 
 company. A young gentleman attempted to turn the sub- 
 ject into ridicule, and said, " In fact, I can remember having 
 been the golden calf myself." 
 
 " That we can readily believe," replied George Selwyn ; 
 " for you have only lost the gilding." 
 
 Mr. Erskine, being indisposed in the Court of King'9 
 Bench, told Mr. Jekyl that he had a pain in his bowels, for
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 301 
 
 which he could get no relief. " I will give you an inf;\lliblo 
 specific," replied tlie humorous barrister. " Get made attor- 
 ney-general, my friend, and then you will have no bowels 
 at all" 
 
 At the conclusion of a meeting for the choice of town- 
 oflBcers, a Mr. Shote was chosen hog-constable, which pro- 
 duced the following impromptu: — 
 
 " The wisdom of this towni now stands confessed: 
 They chose one <S/iO/e to govern all the rest." 
 
 A lady at sea, full of delicate apprehensions in a gale of 
 wind, cried out, among other pretty exclamations, " We shall 
 all go to the bottom ! Mercy on us, how my head swims ! " 
 
 " Zounds, madam, never fear," said one of the sailors : 
 "you can never go to the bottom while your head sivinis." 
 
 Strange, Moore, and Wright, three notorious punsters, 
 were, on a certain occasion, dining together, when Moore 
 observed, " There is but one knave among us, and that's 
 Strarige.'* 
 
 " Oh, no ! " said Wright ; " there is one Moore." 
 
 " Ay ! " said Strange : " that's Wright." 
 
 A gentleman praising the personal charms of a very plain 
 woman before Foote, the latter whi.spered him, "And why 
 don't you lay claim to such an acconiplislicd beauty?" 
 
 " What right have I Uj her?" rcplii-d the other. 
 
 "Every right, by the law of nations, :ui the first discov- 
 erer," said Foote. 
 
 A band of young empty-headed divinity-stutlentfl paid a 
 visit to a manse, and a flock of turkeys followed them to 
 the dfMjr. " Sir," says one of the probationers, " do you allow 
 the turkeys to come into your Iiouho ? "
 
 302 MIRTHFULNESS, 
 
 « Sometimes," replied the minister ; " but I will not per- 
 mit them at this time, for I never suffer turkeys and geese 
 to enter at the same time." 
 
 A Yankee tar was once in York, England, who was some- 
 what deformed by having a large bunch on his back. An 
 Englishman that saw him thought he would have a joke 
 with the Yankee, and said, " What in the world is that 
 hump on your back ? " 
 
 " Bunker Hill," promptly replied the Yankee. 
 
 " John," inquired a dominie of a hopeful pupil, " tell me 
 what is a nailer." 
 
 " A man that makes nails," said John. 
 
 " Very good. What is a tailor ? " 
 
 " One who makes tails." 
 
 " Oh, you stupid fellow ! " said the dominie, biting his lips : 
 " a man who makes tails ? " 
 
 " Yes, master," returned John : " if the tailor did not put 
 tails to the coats he made, they would be all jackets." 
 
 A physician at Bath told Foote he had a mind to pub- 
 lish his own poems ; but he had so many irons in the fire, 
 he did not well know what to do. 
 
 '<■ Then take my advice, doctor," said Foote, " and put 
 your poejns where your irons are." 
 
 Lord H., who was very much addicted to the bottle, sit- 
 ting with Foote previous to a masquerade-night, asked him 
 what new character he ought to appear in. "New charac- 
 ter ! " said the other, pausing for some time : " suppose you 
 go sober, my lord." _ 
 
 Henry IV. enacted some sumptuary laws, prohibiting the 
 use of gold and jewels in dress ; but they were for some
 
 :miscellaneous anecdotes. 303 
 
 time ineffectual. He passed a supplement to them which 
 completely answered his purpose. In this last he exempted 
 from the prohibitions of the former, after one month, all 
 prostitutes and pickpockets. Next day there was not a 
 jewel nor golden ornament to be seen. 
 
 Dr. Johnson, once speaking of a quarrelsome fellow, said, 
 " If he had two ideas in his head, they would fall out with 
 Qach other." 
 
 " Doctor, I is anxious to understand de nature ob my 
 health." 
 
 " Why ! 'tis berry lucky you hab come to me in time. 
 You see, you hab got de inflammation of de bronchial tubes, 
 dat acts on de flaxon longus digitous pedis ; and dis has end- 
 ed in de confirmed delirium tremens, for sartin. Ise de only 
 doctor what can cure you." 
 
 " Shades ob uatur ! am it possible ? " 
 
 " A Dutch justice refused to hear but one side of a case, 
 for fear it would puzzle him to hear both sides. 
 
 A very bra%'e soldier was in the habit of drinking too 
 much. His colonel remonstrated with him. " Tom,'' said 
 he, " you are a bold fellow, and a good soldier ; but you will 
 get drunk." 
 
 "Colonel," replied. Tom, "how can you expect all the vir- 
 tues of the human kind combined for seven dollars per 
 month ! " 
 
 In the streets of Leicester, one day, Dean Swift was ac- 
 costed by a drunken weaver, who, staggering against his 
 llcverence, said, " I've been spinning it out." 
 
 " Ye»," said the dean ; "1 see you have j and you are 
 reeling it home."
 
 304 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 " Have you not mistaken the pew, sir ? " blandly said a 
 Sunday Chesterfield to a stranger as he entered it. " I 
 beg your pardon," replied the individual, rising to go out, 
 " I fear I have : I thought it was a Christian's." 
 
 " What's that letter ? " asked a schoolmaster of an urchin, 
 at the same time pointing to the letter X. 
 
 " That's my father's name," replied the boy. 
 
 " No, it is not," said the teacher. * 
 
 " I tell you it is my father's name," retorted the lad ; 
 " for I have seen him write it more than a dozen times." 
 
 Some one advertises for the recovery of a lost wallet be- 
 longing to a gentleman made of calf-skin. 
 
 '' That's what I call a real finished sermon," said a man 
 as he was coming out of church. 
 
 " Yes," replied the otljer, " finished at last, though I 
 began to think it never would be." 
 
 " I say," said a dandy to an intelligent mechanic, " I've 
 got an idea in my head." 
 
 " Well," replied the other, " if you don't cherish it with 
 good care, it will die for want of companions." 
 
 An Eastern editor, speaking of a brother contemporary, 
 says that he must be a believer in hydropathy, for he lies 
 in wet sheets. 
 
 A sailor was called, upon the stand as a witness. "Well, 
 sir," said the lawyer, " do you know the plaintiff and de- 
 fendant ? " 
 
 " I don't know the drift of them words," answered the 
 sailor. 
 
 " What ! not know the meaning of the words plaintiff
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 305 
 
 auJ defendant ? " continued tlie lawyer. " A pretty fellow, 
 you, to come here iw a witness ! Can you tell me where on 
 board the ship it was that tliis man struck the other one ?" 
 
 " Abaft the binnacle," said the sailor. 
 
 " Abaft the binnacle ! what do you mean by that ? " asked 
 the lawyer. 
 
 " A pretty fellow, you," responded the sailor, " to como 
 here as a lawyer, and don't know what abaft the binnacle 
 means ! " 
 
 A learned clergyman of Maine was accosted in the follow- 
 ing manner by an illiterate preacher, who despised educa- 
 tion : " Sir, you have been to ooHege, I suppose." 
 
 " Yes, sir," was the reply. 
 
 " I am thankful," replied the former, " that the Lord has 
 opened my mouth without any learning." 
 
 "A similar event," replied the latter, "took place in 
 Balaam's time ; but such things are of rare occurrence at 
 the present day." 
 
 A New- York pajjer contains an advertisement, announ- 
 cing as lost a cloth cloak belonging to a gentleman lined 
 with blue. 
 
 When Mr. Wilberforce w^as a candidate for Hull, his 
 Bister, an amiable and witty young lady, offered the com- 
 pliment of a new gown to each of the wives of those freemen 
 who voted for her bnjther; on which she was sainted with 
 the cry, " Miss Wilberforce forever ! " 
 
 " I thank you, gentlemen," remarked the lady ; " but, 
 really, I do not wi.sh to be Miss Wilberforce forever." 
 
 An old streaker was accustomed to drive the best honto 
 and the costlieHt buggy in t<jwn. Jle liad got so <li'ep in 
 debt, that he w:is obliged to go into cliuncery. Ho woa
 
 306 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 soon seen, however, driving the identical horse and buggy 
 that he owned before going into chancery. 
 
 " How now ? " said an old acquaintance, " the same horse 
 and buggy again ? I thought you had been through chan- 
 cery." 
 
 " So I have," was the quick reply ; " but my horse went 
 round." 
 
 A man with eleven daughters was complaining that he 
 found it difficult to live. 
 
 " You must husband your time," said another, " and then 
 you will do well enough." 
 
 " I could do much better," was the reply, " if I could 
 husband my daughters." 
 
 A dancer said to a Spartan, " You cannot stand so long 
 on one foot as I can." 
 
 " Perhaps not," said the Spartan ; " but my goose can." 
 
 A number of years ago, when it was the custom to let out 
 the care of town paupers to the lowest bidder, a weak- 
 minded man, belonging to a certain town in New Hamp- 
 shire, who had been fed and clothed for his labor, becoming 
 somewhat infirm, no person at the annual town-meeting 
 was willing to take him for the coming year without pay ; 
 so he was put up to the lowest bidder. To this he strongly 
 objected, saying "that he could earn his living, he knew 
 he could ; and if he couldn't, he would stay longer." 
 
 A man in the Granite State, after a severe sickness, met 
 a fellow-townsman on the highway, who inquired with 
 what disease he had been afflicted. The convalescent re- 
 jjlied that " he had had the brain-fever in his head, and he 
 had been told that that was the most dangerous place in 
 which a man could have that disease."
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 307 
 
 When fears were expressed that President Lincoln might 
 be assassinated on bis way to Washington for his first in- 
 auguration, a man not skilled in the best use of language, 
 yet very partial to long words, was talking with a gentle- 
 man, hard of hearing, at the post-office, upon the exciting 
 subject, to whom he addressed the following question, in a 
 very loud tone of voice : — 
 
 " Do you think the President will get vaccinated on bis 
 way to Washington ? " 
 
 A pastor in Massachusetts was once asked by a parish- 
 ioner if the sermon he preached the sabbath before was not 
 an old one. The pastor replied by saying, " Can't you tell 
 whether it was or not ? " He thought it was, but could not 
 say positively. " Well," said the pastor, " if you have heard 
 the sermon twice, you ought to be able to tell something 
 about it. What was the text ? " He had forgotten it. 
 " What was the subject ? " he inquired. The hearer could 
 not tell. '' Well,"' said the pastor, " can you repeat any of 
 the leading thoughts, or any of the thoughts presented in 
 the discourse?" After tliinking a few minutes, he ac- 
 knowledged tliat he could not. " I think," said the pastor, 
 " I ought to preach that sermon again, for i/our special bene- 
 
 fitr 
 
 It is reported that Father Moody preached a long sermon, 
 during which a large portion of his audience slept. As he 
 closed, tliey all waktd up, prepared for the closing service, 
 which would release them; but were unplea-santly surprised 
 by the announcement, " that, as they were all awake, ho 
 would rc[teat his sermon, hoping that it would bo heard." 
 This w.ts r<i_r:irclcd a severe penalty fur sl('ei)ing. 
 
 When slavery existed in Massachusetts, a negro slave went 
 to meeting, one sabbath, and took liis seat in the gallery at
 
 308 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 usual. A strange minister was in the pulpit, who took for 
 his text, "■Thou art the man." He repeated his text several 
 times, accompanied with an emphatic gesture, which pointed 
 directly to the guilty negro. As soon as the service closed, 
 the slave hurried home with the confession, " I did steal de 
 hatchet, massa, I did steal it ; hut who tole de minister ob 
 it ? After de prayer, and de singing, de strange preacher 
 got up in de pulpit, and point right at me, and say, Dat he ! 
 dat he ! I got down out ob sight, and de preacher talk 'bout 
 soinethin' else little while, and I rise up tremblin' ; and 
 pretty soon he see me, and say 'g'in, p'intin' right at me, 
 Dat he! dat he! dat he! and made me feel so guilty, 
 dat I come right home and tell you, massa, I did steal de 
 hatchet." 
 
 An eccentric clergyman, preaching in the pulpit of a 
 brother, on exchange, one sabbath, announced his text 
 twice, before telling his audience where it might be found, 
 thus: " Zaccheus, come down ; Zaccheus, come down." Speak- 
 ing with emphasis, the effect was felt by a negro bearing 
 that name, who supposed himself called by the preacher 
 to come down to him for some purpose. So Zaccheus, accus- 
 tomed to obey, left his place in the gallery, and walked to 
 the pulpit-door, and humbly asked what his Eeverence 
 required of him. 
 
 A clergyman called upon a quarrelling pair in his parish, 
 for the purpose of influencing them to change their manner 
 of life. He commenced with the husband, who made very 
 severe charges against his companion, declaring that she had 
 a very bad temper, got mad at nothing, and, when mad, would 
 . strike him with the broom, the shovel and tongs, or any 
 thing she could lay her hands on. " Well," said the minis- 
 ter, " what do you do ? " 
 
 " What do I do ? Why, strike back, of course. What 
 should I do ? "
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 309 
 
 " Oh, you should do very differently," said the minister. 
 "When she throws^re, you should throw water." 
 
 " Well," said the husband, " I don't know what effect 
 water would have upon her ; but I threw a pail of swill on 
 her the other day, and it didn't do a mite of good ; it made 
 her worse, if any thing." That husband did not understand 
 figurative language, nor how to tame a shrew. 
 
 A boy was asked by his teacher, what made the water of 
 the sea salt ; and his reply was, " Codfish." 
 
 In a certain college, the students were accustomed, in con- 
 versation among themselves, to call the president by his 
 Latin name, " Prex,'' and his wife "Madam Prex," and his 
 daughter '• Sister Sally Prex." Two of the students went, 
 one night, to steal some of the president's chickens, which 
 roosted in a tree not far from his house. One of the col- 
 lege thieves a.scended the tree, while the other stood under 
 the same, prepared to bag the game as it was dropped down 
 to him by his comrafle. Before the latter commenced op- 
 erations, the former, frightened by the approach of the 
 president, fled, leaving his bag under the tree. The presi- 
 ident Uxik his position, prepared to bag the game dropju'd 
 by the man in the tree. The latter wrung the lu'ck of a 
 rooster, and threw him down, saying, "There is Master 
 Prex." Serving a pullet in the same way, he said, " There 
 is Miwlam Prex." Seizing another pullet, and Hubjecting 
 her to the same pnjcess, he exclaimed, " And there is Sister 
 Sally Prex." The president bagged the poultry, and bore 
 it into his house. When the student, from the tree, de- 
 scended to the ground, lie found neither his chum imr Win 
 game. Joining the former in his room, the two concluded 
 that the iiresident IiimI the chickens in bin posHeHsion, and a 
 knowlcd^'c of the men who had altenii>ted to appropriate 
 them. The next morning the guilty pair received un invi-
 
 310 MIKTHFULNESS. 
 
 tation to dine with the president, and accepted the same. 
 The dinner-party was seated at the table, and thanks were 
 returned, when the president, addressing his guests, said, 
 " Young gentlemen, this is Master Prex ; this is Mad- 
 am Prex ; and this is Sister Sally Prex. From which will 
 you be helped ? " 
 
 A young man, in the employment of a railroad company, 
 obtained a pass to the home of his intended bride for him- 
 self, and from that home to his for the united twain. When 
 asked for their tickets, the bridegroom, through mistake, 
 handed the conductor his marriage certificate instead of his 
 pass. The conductor returned it to him, saying, "This 
 paper entitles you to many privileges, but not to a free ride 
 on this train." 
 
 A Second Markiage Contract. — In a certain town 
 in New Hampshire, a widower, about threescore years and 
 ten, married a widow some ten years his junior, with the 
 following understanding : She was to give him all her prop- 
 erty, which consisted in one hundred and fifty dollars, cash, 
 and he was to give her a deed of his house and lot, worth 
 three hundred dollars, which deed was not to be put on rec- 
 ord unless she "survived him. The two ajjpeared before his 
 neighbor, the chairman of the board of selectmen, and he 
 stated the agreement, and appealed to her if the statement 
 was not correct. She replied that it was; "but she had 
 been thinking the matter over, and had come to the conclu- 
 sion, that, if he should be sort o' poorly for a good while, and 
 she should have to nurse him, she ought to have a heifer in 
 addition to the placed This marriage contract was quite 
 a business affair. 
 
 " I cannot imagine," said Alderman H., " why my whis- 
 kers should turn gray so much quicker than the hair on 
 my head."
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 311 
 
 '•'Because you have worked so much more with your jaws 
 than with your brains," observed a wag. 
 
 One Hog was to be tried before Judge Bacon, who told 
 him he was kinsman. Says the judge, "No hog can be 
 bacon till it is hanged." 
 
 A country squire, being one day in company with his 
 mistress, and wanting his valet, pompously cried out, — 
 " Where is my blockhead ? " 
 " Upon your shoulders," replied the lady. 
 
 A young lady being asked why she did not study French, 
 replied, that, in her opinion, one tongue was quite sufficient 
 for a woman. 
 
 Two men owned a ship at sea, concerning the safety of 
 which they felt great anxiety. Meeting in their place of 
 business, one said to the other, who was not skilled in the 
 meaning of words, " Our ship is in jeopardy ! " 
 
 " Is it ? " replied the other. " Well, I am truly glad that 
 it has got into a«y port." 
 
 Wliile the prohibitory liquor-bill was in the hands of the 
 Massachusetts Senate Committee of Six, in the month of 
 May, 1869, after both branches of the Legislature had de- 
 voted several weeks to its discussion, two temperance men 
 met in the city of Lowell, and one asked the other, — 
 
 "Where is the lirjuor-liiil now?" 
 
 The reply wa.s, "I d<jn't know; but i guess it it* in (lio 
 port of Jeopardy, with the lost ship." With this reply, ho 
 ref^'ated the foregoing anecdote. 
 
 A Vank<;e, walking in one of the streets of Boston with 
 an Englishman who had recently come to this country, a*ked
 
 312 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 him if lie could read the sign over the door of a saloon. 
 He replied in the affirmative, and proceeded to spell the 
 word, thus : " Hes and Ha and Hell and two Hoes and a 
 Hen." 
 
 An Eastern editor says that a man in New York got him- 
 self into trouble by marrying two wives. A Western editor 
 replies by assuring his contemporary that a good many men 
 in that section have done the same thing by marrying one. 
 A Northern editor retorts, that quite a number of his ac- 
 quaintances found trouble enough by barely promising to 
 marry, without going any further. A Southern editor says 
 that a friend of his was bothered enough when simply found 
 in company with another man's wife. 
 
 A gentleman accustomed to the signature of the firm of 
 which he was a partner, having to sign a baptismal register 
 of one of his children, entered it as the child of Smith, 
 Jones, & Co. 
 
 A hardy seaman, who had barely escaped drowning by 
 shipwreck, was asked by a good lady how he felt when the 
 waves • rolled over him. He replied, " Wet, ma'am ; veri/ 
 wet." 
 
 " What are you -doing there ? " said a grocer to a fellow 
 who was stealing his lard. " Fm getting fat,''' was his reply. 
 
 " Have you ever broken a horse ? " inquired a horse-jockey. 
 " No, not'exactly. I have never broken a horse" replied 
 Simon, " but I have broken three lnox&e-wagonsy 
 
 A gentleman learning that a literary pretender, with a 
 " plentiful lack of wit," had been seized with a brain fever, 
 dryly observed, " Oh ! the thing is impossible."
 
 MISCELLAXEOUS ANECDOTES. 313 
 
 " Why impossible ? " asked his informant. 
 "Because," was the reply, "there's no foundation for the 
 fever or the report." 
 
 Two gentlemen, walking together, observed a horse wliose 
 tail had been closely sheared. One remarked to the other, 
 "That horse is like the Dutchman's, who said, 'Mine hos 
 is petter in de-mane dan in de-tail.' " 
 
 An aged clergyman in New Hampshire read a sermon 
 before his ministerial association, bearing the title of " A 
 Plea for Dumb Animals." One of the brethren playfully 
 remarked, that all the jackasses in the country ought to 
 thank Father M. for his sermon. Tlie author, turning to 
 the critic, said, '• I am glad that I have one appreciative 
 hearer." 
 
 Some twenty years ago, two Congregational clergymen, 
 in Massachusetts, had negotiated an exchange for a certain 
 sabbath ; and they went to each other's house on Saturday 
 afternoon, each with his own team. One of them, having 
 no hay, had spoken to one of his deacons to take care of 
 his brother's horse over sabbath, and said nothing to the 
 family about the arrangement, as he expected to com- 
 municate the same to his clerical brother when they met on 
 the way. But that brother cr)ming by a different routf, 
 they did not meet. That brotlii-r put his horse into tjic 
 stable, as there was no male connected with the family of 
 his host, except his little son. Having put his beast into 
 the stable, he went into the house, and thought no more 
 of him until sabbath morning just before the bdl rang for 
 meeting. He tbt-n went to the barn, and fjund no liorso 
 there, and made known tlie fart to the familv. Tin* littlo 
 Bon of the pfustor went to two or tliree of bis father's chunli- 
 mcmbers near by, including Uea. Smith, an<] learned whcro
 
 314 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 the missing horse was; but when he returned home, the minis- 
 ter had gone to church, where he himself went, and took his 
 seat in his father's pew. The minister announced his text, 
 and repeated it with some rhetorical effect, before st&,ting 
 where it might be found, thus : '' Oh that I knew where I 
 might find him ! oh that I knew where I might find him ! " 
 Tlie pastor's little son, supposing that the preacher was 
 talking about his lost horse, cried out, in excited tones, 
 " He's down in Dea. Smithes barn." 
 
 A gentleman ordered a beef-steak for dinner, and a very 
 small piece was brought to him, which he held up on his 
 fork, and said to the waiter, "Yes, that's it; bring me 
 
 some." 
 
 Sydney Smith had a brother distinguished for his talents, 
 but exceedingly sedate, having no element of v/it or humor 
 in his composition. Sydney said that he and his brother 
 contradicted the law of gravitation ; for his brother had 
 risen by his gravity, and he had sunk by his levity. 
 
 An Irishman, feeling great interest in a pending election, 
 declared himself confident of the success of his favorite 
 candidate, who was defeated. Speaking of the defeat, he 
 said, " I am disappointed, sadly disappointed, and I knew 
 I should be." 
 
 Eev. Dr. Osgood of Springfield, Mass., conducting re- 
 ligious services in his chapel at a weekly evening confer- 
 ence, gave out a hymn to be sung by his brethren present, 
 who did not happen to be the musical members of his 
 sabbath congregation. Some of them could with difficulty 
 distinguish one tune from another. At the close of the 
 sinf^ing, which inflicted the most excruciating pain upon the 
 doctor's nerves, he remarked, " Well, brethren, I hope you
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 315 
 
 have made melody in your hearts, for I am sure you liave 
 made none with your lips. You began with Old Hundred, 
 and ended with Mear." 
 
 Passing the Universalist church then being completed 
 in Springliold, a prominent member of* the parish, with 
 whom he was on very friendly terms, said to Dr. Osgood, 
 •^We are building a church in which the truth will bo 
 preached." — " If it is," r(7plied the doctor, " some of your 
 ears will tingle, I guess." 
 
 Passing the Union House, — a hotel being erected in 
 SpringQeld by a joint-stock companj- of which Mr. D. was 
 a member, which proved, as many prophesied, an unprofit- 
 able investment, — Dr. Osgood said, '' That builditig will 
 do for George D. what, with all my preaching, I have been 
 unable to accomplish. It will bring him to repentance." 
 
 A petition was started by the colored people of Philadel- 
 phia, addressed to the city government, asking that a school 
 might be established for the benefit of their chiklren. The 
 petition commenced witli this language, " We, the parents 
 of colored children." Several colored men signed the 
 petition. Some of the petitioners, thinking that it would 
 add strength and respectability to their paper to secure 
 upon it the names of some leading white men, asked such 
 men for their names, who rea«lily gave them, without 
 stopping to rea4l what they signed. The obtaining this 
 chvss of signatures was stopped by a white man's reading 
 the petition. 
 
 When Gen. Howard had charge of a largo number of 
 colored men, he ma<le a ruhi that all the sweariritj in that 
 dt^jiartment sliould be done by hinisi-If. One day, a black 
 man, driving a six-mule team, got stuck in fb<' niii<l, :in(l
 
 316 MIETHFITLNESS. 
 
 his mules refused to obey liim. Getting vexed with his 
 eontraiy animals, he swore at them very profanely, and in 
 loud and harsh tones. Gen. Howard, being within hearing, 
 approached the enraged negro, and reminded him of the 
 rule he was breaking. The negro replied, " I did not forget 
 the rule ; but as you were not here, and there was some 
 swearing to be done, I thought I must do it myself." 
 
 A certain lawyer, after having obtained a large amount 
 of money from Boston liquor-dealers for professional ser- 
 vices, which proved worse than useless to his employers, 
 turned against them; and although grossly intemperate, 
 bearing the evidence of his habits in his red, bloated face, 
 has recently become the ally and advocate of the ultra 
 temperance men in Massachusetts, and has figured before 
 a legislative committee in behalf of extreme prohibitory 
 measures. While conducting an investigation before said 
 committee, this lawyer was made the subject of the. follow- 
 ing remark by Judge P. Turning to a friend, the judge 
 whispered, "No one can truly say Ijiat Mr. S. is not a deej^- 
 red (read) lawyer." 
 
 A certain man married a charming lady on whom his 
 affections were strongly fixed. Her features were attractive, 
 and her disposition amiable. She had but one defect in 
 the "estimation of her husband, and that was so great 
 as to essentially mar his happiness. She was tongue-tied. 
 Hearing of a celebrated surgeon in a neighboring city, Avho 
 could remove his wife's defect, he took her to him for the 
 desired operation, which was successfully performed. The 
 happy pair returned to their home, the husband being over- 
 joyed with the prospect of soon hearing the melodious voice 
 of his charming wife. As soon as the wound inflicted by 
 the surgeon's knife was healed, the woman's tongue began
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 817 
 
 to run, and it could not be stopped. Her husband has- 
 tened to the surgeon, and, with feelings strongly excited, 
 said, " I gave you fifty dollars to untie my wife's tongue, 
 and I will now give you one hundred dollars to tie it 
 again." 
 
 A favorite dogma of the Stoics was, that there was no 
 such thing as motion. They proved this doctrine of their 
 creed by a syllogism, thus : " A thing must move where it 
 is, or where it is not. A thing cannot move where it is, 
 nor where it is not. Therefore a thing cannot move at all." 
 
 A leading philosopher of this school was thrown from his 
 caiTiage, and his shoulder dislocated. His surgeon was 
 called, but refused to operate, saying, that if motion was 
 impossible, according to the patient's philosophy, his shoul- 
 der could not be set. The suffering philosopher urged the 
 surgeon not to trifle with him, but to hasten in the enii)loy- 
 ment of liis .skill in granting him relief. The surgeon 
 replied that he would not replace the dislocated shoulder, 
 unless the patient would renounce his philosophj-, and ac- 
 knowledge that motion was possible. This re(]uireni('nt 
 was complied with, and the desired operation was per- 
 formed. 
 
 The compiler's mother had this one fault, — she woidd 
 make excuses to her guests respecting different articles of 
 {<X)d, when they were the best she could prepare. On a 
 certain afternoon, an aged neighbor took tea with her, 
 whom she a.sked to take a piece of poor a]»ple-pie. The 
 old lady replied, " I thank you : I never eat poor ai)i)le-pie.'' 
 
 llie compiler taught an academy one year in Ki.'^ing 
 Sun, Indiana; and, witli lii.s awsi.stant, boarded six months 
 in the family of a wealthy farmer, a nliort distance from 
 the vUlage. The wife of that farmer was a superior cook,
 
 318 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 and set an excellent table ; but she habitually spoke dis- 
 paragingly of her food, frequently saying she did not know 
 as it could be eaten. After being annoyed in this way for 
 several weeks, the preceptor said, one day, when the usual 
 excuses were made in an objectionable manner, — 
 
 " Mrs. J , I have been accustomed to poor table-fare 
 
 during a portion of my life. While preparing for college, I 
 lived upon miserable food ; and, during most of my college- 
 course, I kept bachelor's hall. With this experience, I am 
 prepared to eat almost any kind of food without fault-find- 
 ing. Don't make any more excuses ; for I am not at all 
 particular about what I have to eat." 
 
 All eyes at the table were directed toward the good lady 
 and the speaker, both of whose countenances indicated their 
 peculiar states of mind. After a few seconds' gaze, tho 
 whole company burst into a fit of loud laughter at the ex- 
 pense of the housewife, who felt the point, and was cured 
 of her folly. If, subsequently, she began to make excuses, 
 she would instantly check herself, remembering the severe 
 reproof she had received from her boarder. 
 
 During a Universalist convention, Father Ballou and 
 several other gentlemen were entertained by a family, the 
 •wife and mother of which was a neat housekeeper and an 
 excellent cook ; but to her belonged the fault which attached 
 to the two ladies described in preceding anecdotes. One 
 day she prepared two pies for dessert, of a kind which was 
 known to be Mr. Ballou's favorite. The pies were as per- 
 fect as the skill of the cook could make them. When the 
 time came to present the dessert, the two pies described were 
 placed upon the table with all their attractions. Directing 
 attention to them, Mrs. W said, — 
 
 " Gentlemen, here are some pies ; but they are not fit to 
 eat, not even fit to bring to the table: but they are as good 
 as I could make them under the circumstances."
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 319 
 
 During this speech she had been cutting one of the pies, 
 the appearance of wliich caused tlie mouths of her guests to 
 secrete saliva in anticipation of the luxury prepared for 
 thera. Turning to her chief gnest, she said, — 
 
 " Father Ballou, shall I give you a piece ? " 
 
 The old man slowly and solemnly shook his head, and 
 said, — 
 
 " I am very fond of that kind of pie when it is properly 
 
 made ; but surely, Sister W , j^ou should be a competent 
 
 judge of your own work ; and, as I think you are a woman 
 of truth, I must take your word for it. You certainly can- 
 not expect me to eat that which you yourself most emphati- 
 cally pronounce unfit to eat, — unfit even to bring to the 
 table ! I had promised myself a famous treat ; but I must 
 wait until you have better luck." 
 
 "With this the old gentleman arose, and left the table. 
 
 The other guests saw Mrs. W sink back aghast ; and, 
 
 as a matter of delicacy, they followed Mr. Ballou. Mrs. 
 
 W had a very unhappy afternoon ; and from that time 
 
 onward she never indulged in th3 foolish habit of misrep- 
 resenting the products of her culinary skill. 
 
 A poor widow was asked how she became so much at- 
 tached to a certain neighlior, and replied that she was 
 bound to him by several cords of wood which he had sent 
 to her during a hard winter. 
 
 Foote being annoyed l»y a poor fiddler, " straining hard 
 discord," under his window, sent him a shilling, with a re- 
 quest that ho would play elsewhere, as one scraper at tho 
 door was sufficient. 
 
 " Have you any travelling inkstands ? " asked a lady 
 of a young stationtir. 
 
 "No, ma'am : we huv<; tlicin with feet and legs, but they 
 are not old enough U> travel yet."
 
 320 MIRTHFTJLKESS. 
 
 ^' There's two ways of doing it," said Pat to himself, as 
 he stood musing and waiting for a job. 
 
 " If I save me four thousand dollars, I must lay up two 
 hundred dollars a year for twenty years, or I can put away 
 twenty dollars a year for two hundred years. Now, which 
 way will I do ? " 
 
 A gentleman was one day arranging music for a lady to 
 whom he was paying his attention. " Pray, Miss D.," said 
 he, "what time do you prefer?" 
 
 " Oh," she replied carelessly, " any time will do, but the 
 quicker the better." 
 
 A curate having been overhauled by his bishop for at- 
 tending a ball, the former replied, " My lord, I wore a 
 mask." 
 
 " Oh, well," returned the bishop : " that puts a new face 
 on the affair." 
 
 The conversation at Holland House turned upon first love. 
 Tom Moore compared it to a potato, " because it shoots 
 from the eyes." 
 
 " Or, rather," exclaimed Byron, " because it becomes all 
 the less \>j paring." 
 
 A clergyman, on reading the twenty-seventh verse of the 
 eighteenth chapter of the First of Kings, incorrectly placed 
 the emphasis, rendering the verse an absurdity. "And 
 he spake to his sons, saying. Saddle me the ass. And 
 they saddled liimP 
 
 " I say, my little son, where does the right-hand road 
 go?" 
 
 " Don't know, sir ; t' ain't been nowhere since we lived 
 here."
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 321 
 
 Sheritluii, being on a parliamentary committee, one day 
 entered the room as all the members were seated for busi- 
 ness. Perceiving no empty seat, ho bowed, and, looking 
 round the table with a droll expression of countenance, 
 said, " Will any gentleman vwve that I take the chair ? " 
 
 Talleyrand, the prime minister of Napoleon, was disliked 
 by Madame de Stael. It so happened that Talleyrand was 
 lame, and Madame cross-eyed. Meeting one day, Madame 
 says, "Monsieur, how is that poor leg?" Talleyrand 
 quickly replied, " Crooked, as you see." 
 
 Hook being told of the marriage of a political opponent, 
 exclaimed, " I am very glad to hear it." • Then suddenly 
 added very compassionately, " And yet I don't see why I 
 should be : poor fellow ! he never did me much harm." 
 
 " I rise, sir, for information," said a very grave member 
 of a legislature. 
 
 " I am very glad to hear it," said a bystander ; " for no 
 man is in greater need of it." 
 
 A man in the West has moved so often, that, whenever 
 a covered wagon comes near his house, his chickens all 
 march up, and fall on their backs, and cross their legs, ready 
 to be tied, and carried to the next stopping-place. 
 
 It is supposed by learned theologians, such as Petros 
 Camoton, that Adam entered the Garden of Eden in the 
 spring. However that may bo, it is certain ho came out in 
 the fall. 
 
 " Ma, if you will give mo an appl<', I will b*; good." 
 "No, my child; you must not bo goo<l for pay: you 
 ought to be fjood for not/iirif/.'* 
 21
 
 322 " MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 An Irish gentleman hearing of a friend having a stone 
 coffin made for himself, exclaimed, " Be me sowl, an that's 
 a good idee ! Shure, an' a stone coffin 'ud last a man his 
 lifetime ! " 
 
 A wag said, that once, on a journey, he was put into a 
 sleigh with a dozen or more passengers, not one of whom 
 he knew ; but, on turning a short corner, the sleigh upset, 
 and he found them all out. 
 
 " Josiah, how many scruples are there in a drachm ? " 
 " Don't know, zur." 
 " Well, recollect there are two." 
 
 " Oh, there is, hey ! Well, daddy takes his dram every 
 morning without any scruples." 
 
 An Irish gentleman said to another, " I called to see your 
 family, hut they were not at home ; and I suppose they had 
 gone to ride in a carriage which was standing at the door." 
 
 " You labor over-much on composition, doctor," said a 
 clergyman to an eminent divine. " I write a sermon in 
 three hours, and make nothing of it." 
 
 " So your congregation say" quietly said the doctor. 
 
 " Are you the mate of the ship ? " asked an emigrant of 
 the cook, who was an Irishman. 
 
 " No, sir : I'm the man who cooks the mate." 
 
 An old lady, reading an account of a distinguished old 
 lawyer, who was, said to be the father of the New- York bar, 
 exclaimed, " Poor man ! he had a dreadful set of children." 
 
 " Do make yourselves at home, ladies," said a lady one 
 day to her visitors. " I am at home myself, and wish you 
 
 were."
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 323 
 
 During an examination, a medical student being csked, 
 " When does mortification ensue ? " he replied, *' \Vheu you 
 pop the question, and are answered, No." 
 
 A traveller stopped at an inn to breakfast, and, having 
 drank a cup of what was given him, the servant asked, 
 " What will you have, tea or coifee ? " 
 
 To which the traveller answered, " That depends upon 
 circumstances. If what you gave me last was tea, I want 
 coffee. If it was coffee, I want tea. I want a c/iatige." 
 
 " John, I fear you have been forgetting me," said a briglit- 
 eyed girl to her sweetheart. 
 
 " Yes, Sue, I have been for getting you these two years." 
 
 " If all the world were blind, what a melancholy sight it 
 would be ! " said an Irish clergyman. 
 
 Leigh Hunt was asked by a lady, at a dessert, if he would 
 
 not venture on an orange. 
 
 " Madam, I should be happy to do so, but am afraid i 
 should tumble oflf." 
 
 In Cork, the crier of the court, anxious to disperse the 
 crowd around the bar, exclaimed, "All ye blackguard.s that 
 isn't lawyers, quit the court ! " 
 
 A conscientious person adirmed that once in bis lilc ho 
 beheld people min<ling their own busine.ss. This reniarlva- 
 ble occurrence happened at sea, persons being too sick to 
 attend to each other's concerns. 
 
 Tlu're was a dfaron in Xfw IlaiiipMhire by tin- iiaini- of 
 Day, by tnule a cooixt. (Jims Sumlay, he Iward a nuiiilKr 
 of boys playing in front of his house, and went to stop their
 
 324 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 sabbath-breaking. Assuming a grave countenance, he said 
 to them, " Boys, do you know what day this is ? " 
 
 " Yes, sir," immediately replied one of the boys : " Dea- 
 con Day, the cooper." 
 
 " Now, waiter, what's to pay ? " 
 
 " What have you had, sir ? " 
 
 " Three fish." 
 
 " Only brought up two, sir." 
 
 " I had three, — two trout, and one smelt." 
 
 " I suppose," said a quack while feeling the pulse of his 
 patient, " that you think me a humbug." 
 
 " Sir," replied the sick man, " I perceive you can discover 
 a man's thoughts by his pulse." 
 
 On one of the state trials, the judge shook his head while 
 Curran was speaking. The latter said to the jury, " Believe 
 me, gentlemen, if you remain here many days, you will your- 
 selves perceive that when his lordship shakes his head there 
 is nothing in it." 
 
 A lady of wealth put her daughter, who had been pam- 
 pered by indolence, under a governess. Upon calling to in- 
 quire how she progressed with her studies, she was told, 
 " Not very well." 
 
 " Why, what is the reason ? " 
 
 " She wants capacity." 
 
 " Well, you know I don't regard expense : purchase one 
 immediately." 
 
 A bachelor sea-captain, who was remarking that he want- 
 ed a good chief officer, was promptly informed by a lady 
 present that she had no objection to being his first mate. 
 He took the hint and the lady.
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 325 
 
 An Irishman was directed by a very large lad}' to secure 
 and pay for two seats in a stage-coach, for her accommoda- 
 tion, as she desired comfortable room in riding. The fel- 
 low returned and said, " I've paid for the two seats you tould 
 me to ; but as I could get but one seat for the inside, I took 
 the other for the outside." 
 
 " "Well, Jane, this is a queer world," said Joe to his wife : 
 *' a sect of woman philosophers has sprung up." 
 " Indeed," said Jane ; " and what do they hold ? " 
 " The strongest thing in the world," said he : " their 
 tongues." 
 
 "Is anybody waiting on you?" said a polite dry-goods 
 clerk to a girl from the country. 
 
 " Yes, sir," said the blushing damsel : " that's my feller 
 outside. He wouldn't come in." 
 
 An Irish veterinary student, when under examination, was 
 asked what he would recommend if a horse should be 
 brought to him with a particular disease. " Och ! by the 
 powers," was the answer, " I'd recommend the owner to 
 get rid of him." 
 
 Josh Billings says, " It iz highly important, that, when a 
 man makes up his mind to bekum a ra.skel, he should exam- 
 ine hizself clusly, and see if ho ain't better konstructod for 
 a phooL" 
 
 Though tliore were not enough righteous people in Sodom 
 to save the city, there was nevertheless a pretty goo<l Lot. 
 
 A side judge, in one of our county courts, said the pre- 
 siding judgtj never consulted him but twice. On one occa- 
 sion, he a.skfd him what he guessed the law w;ifl in tlie case
 
 326 MIKTHFULNESS. 
 
 on trial ; and on another occasion, after listening to some 
 windy pleas of an hour's length each, he turned to him and 
 whispered, " Isn't this hench made of very hard wood ? " 
 And he told him he thought it was. 
 
 " Sir," said a young wife to her husband, a few days after 
 marriage, " you were honest enough to tell me that your 
 chimney smoked, but you did not tell me -that you smoked 
 yourself." 
 
 "No man," says Mrs. Partington, "was better calculated 
 to judge of pork than my poor husband was. He knew 
 what good hogs were, for he had been brou-ght up with them 
 from his childhood." 
 
 A lady, in speaking of a gathering of lawyers to dedicate 
 a new court-house, said she supposed they had gone " to 
 view the place where they would shortly lie." 
 
 " John, how is your sweetheart getting along ? " 
 
 " Pretty well, I guess : she says I needn't call any more." 
 
 A few years since, a gentleman residing in Lowell, Mass., 
 accompanied by his wife, spent a few days with a family in 
 Boston, on a friendlj^ visit. The wife, under the direction 
 of a physician, was, at that time, taking whiskey daily as a 
 medicine, and the husband, though a temperate man, occa- 
 sionally took the same liquid without a doctor's prescrip- 
 tion. Before leaving home, the wife said to her husband 
 that she would not take her medicine with her, because the 
 gentleman and lady whom they were going to visit were 
 such ultra prohibitionists that the carrying of whiskey into 
 their dwelling by guests would be ofiensive, even though 
 the latter should assure them that the article was used as a 
 medicine. The husband told his companion to act her pleas-
 
 MISCELLA^TEOITS ANECDOTES. 327 
 
 ure : if she coulJ do without her whiskey until she returned, 
 and she thouglit the carrying it with her would give oftence 
 to her friends, she had better leave it at hofiie. The pair 
 reached their i"riends' house at early eve ; and, after tea, the 
 gentlemen spent most of the evening by themselves, while 
 the ladies hold a friendly chat together in another room. 
 When the visitors retired, the wife told her husband that 
 the lady of the house was in feeble health, and was taking 
 whiskey as a medicine, under the direction of a physician, 
 but her husband did not know what she was doing, and she 
 did not dare to let him know it, fearing he would disapprove 
 her course, even if he thought it was benefiting her health. 
 She took her whiskey when he was at his place of business, 
 and contrived ways to prevent her breath betraying her. 
 
 On the following day the host and his male guest took a 
 ride over the Mill Dam, and stopped to warm at the Mill- 
 dam Hotel. Being a cold day, the guest became so thor- 
 oughly chilled by riding that he could not get warm by out- 
 ward a[tplication. He went out with his host to take a 
 view of the fast horses in the shed, and, slipping away from 
 him, entered the house with the intention of obtaining some 
 hot drink with which to warm himself within; but, before 
 he could accomplish his purpose, his friend was by his side. 
 Finally, the guest said to his host, "Mr. , I am so thor- 
 oughly chilled that the fire will not warm me. I feel that I 
 am taking cold, and I beli(!ve that a hot whiskey idling would 
 do me good. Will y<iu please take some with me." 
 
 " I shall be very happy to. I feel very mu«-h as you do, 
 and should have asked you to drink with mo, had I not un- 
 derstfKxl that you were an ultra temperance man." 
 
 Wliih,' they were drinking together, the Boston man said 
 to hiH Lowell friend, " Don't let my wife know that 1 drank 
 whiskey with yoti, for she is so ultra in her teinpcrance vii-ws 
 that .she woukl disjipprove of my taking an iiitMviciuit iiiulcr 
 any circumstanccfl, or for any purpose."
 
 328 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 A young man stepped into a bookstore, and said he want- 
 ed to get a " Young Man's Companion." The bookseller 
 directed him to his daughter. 
 
 The first edition of Morse's Geography contained this 
 item of information : " The town of Albany, N..Y., contains 
 
 houses, and citizens, all standing with 
 
 their gable-ends towards the street." 
 
 Fifty years ago, and less, it was the custom in country 
 towns in New England for the afflicted family, on a funeral 
 occasion, to provide a feast for the mourners, bearers, and 
 helpers. A notorious eater, in a certain town in New 
 Hampshire, used to attend all the funerals which occurred 
 in the region where he dwelt, and would contrive to per- 
 form sufficient service to secure an invitation to supper. 
 A bachelor wag, residing in the neighborhood, said he 
 meant to insert in his will, that Uncle Tim, * as he was 
 familiarly called, should not be invited to supper at his 
 funeral ; for he feared that his estate would not defray the 
 funeral expenses if the old gentleman partook of that 
 meal. 
 
 Professor Munson, M.D., a respectable physician in New 
 Haven, was riding one day upon a cream-colored horse, 
 followed by Judge Edwards, whose reputation in the de- 
 partment of the common virtues was not good. The gen- 
 tlemen were intimate acquaintances, and were capable of 
 perpetrating and enjoying a good joke. The judge quick- 
 ened the movement of his horse, and, as he approached Dr. 
 M., repeated a part of the eighth verse of the sixth chapter 
 of Revelation, thus : " And I looked, and behold a pale 
 horse ; and his name that sat on him was Death." 
 
 The doctor, turning to the judge, repeated the remainder 
 of the sentence, thus : "And Hell followed with him."
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 329 
 
 IkLiJauie de Stael, in her work called " Delpliiue," was 
 charged with having represented Talleyrand iu the charac- 
 ter of an old woman. Meeting that distinguished gentle- 
 man, Madame urged him to give her his opinion of her 
 book. In reply to lier urging, Talleyrand said, " That is 
 the work, is it not, in which you and I are exhibited in the 
 disguise of females ? " 
 
 A certain Yankee merchant, who was a successful trader, 
 and a distinguished ladies' man, said, in company with sev- 
 eral of his gentlemen associates in a barber's shop, that he 
 would sell any article he owned, if he could get his price. 
 He wore some very handsomely dressed whiskers, of which 
 he was manifestly proud. One of his associates said to 
 him, " Will you sell your whiskers ? " 
 
 " Yes," was the reply. 
 
 " What will you take for them ? " 
 
 « Fifty dollars." 
 
 " Will you give me a written obligation for the whiskers 
 whenever I please to call for them, if I will give you fifty 
 dollars now ? " 
 
 " Yes." 
 
 The obligation was written and signed, and the money 
 was paid. A few weeks after this business transaction, on 
 the evening of a ball, of which the whiskered gentleman 
 was a manager, the man who lja<l bought his whiskers sent 
 for him to meet liim at the barber's shop. lie ans\Mt'red 
 the call, and met him who issued it, at the place named. 
 The whiskered gentleman was dressed for the ball, and said 
 that several ladies were expecting him to call for them iu 
 a few minutes from that time. The purcluiser of his 
 whiskers told him he wanted the article then, and directed 
 the barl)er to prepare to Bhavc; them ofl". The hall-manager 
 a-sked it the shaving could not Iw postponecl until the next 
 day ; but was told it could not. The i)urchaser told the
 
 330 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 barber to shave just one-half of the whiskers, and stop. 
 This order was obeyed ; and he who gave it said he should 
 delay taking the remainder of his purchase Until he gave 
 notice. The half-shaved man urged that the work might 
 be completed; and offered twenty, thirty, forty, even fifty 
 dollars, if the purchaser would take the remainder of his 
 purchase then. Finding himself unable to make a bar- 
 gain on this line, he asked his tormentor if he would sell 
 him the whiskers. He said he would sell them to him for 
 one hundred dollars. The bargain was closed, the money 
 was paid, the other half of the whiskers was taken off, and 
 he who was so proud of them went to the party with a 
 smooth face, and with a loss of fifty dollars in this business 
 transaction. 
 
 " Pat, if Mr. Jones comes before my return, tell him that 
 I will meet him here at two o'clock." 
 
 "Ay, ay, sir; but what shall I, tell him if he don't come ? " 
 
 " Mynheer, do you know what for we call our boy Hans ?" 
 " I do not, really." 
 
 " Veil, I will tell you. Der reason we call our boy Hans 
 is, it ish his name." 
 
 A barrister who was remarkable for coming into court 
 with dirty hands, observed that he had been turning over 
 Coke. 
 
 " Coke," exclaimed a waggish brother, " I thought it was 
 coal." 
 
 An Irish captain in the army, newly appointed to driU his 
 regiment, vociferated his first order in a loud voice, to show 
 his authority, thus : " Advance three steps backwards ; and 
 those men without arms, hold up your hands,"
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 331 
 
 " Colonel BrovsTi, I owe you a grudge : remember that." 
 " I shall not be frightened, then, for I never knew you to 
 pay any thing you owe." 
 
 A young talented lawyer, who had distinguished himself 
 on the sea and on tlie land, called one da}' on the great 
 jury advocate of Massachusetts, just about the time the lat- 
 ter was accustomed to take a stimulating beverage. Soon 
 after the interview commenced, Mr. C. stated to Mr. D. 
 what his custom was, and added, " My friend, shall the bev- 
 erage be coffee, or brandy?" 
 
 Mr. D. replied, "Being your guest, sir, it would be highly 
 improper for me to decide upon the entertainment of this 
 occasion. Permit me to submit this important decision to 
 your mature and practised judgment. That decision, no 
 doubt, will be eminently wise." 
 
 After giving profound attention to the subject for a brief 
 time, Mr. C. said, with great solemnity of tone, " The 
 weight of the argument appears to be strongly in favor of 
 the brandy ; and my decision accords with the argument, 
 finding myself unwilling to resist its force." 
 
 Having announced his decision, the distinguished advo- 
 cate drew a small chest from under his office-sofa, and took 
 therefrom a bottle and a couple of tumblers. "While in the 
 act of pouring the contents of the former into the latter, 
 f<K)tstops were heard ai»proaching the door, and the bottle 
 an<l tumblers were quii;kly returned to tlio chest, and the 
 latter removed to its place. The office-door soon opened, 
 and the Hon, Mr. H., a successful businest^-man, and one 
 of great physical and intellectual weight, entered with his 
 countenance adorned in smiles, and his bosom swollen with 
 kind feelings towards all. 
 
 " Welcome, thrice welcome, Mr. II.," said Mr. C. "It 
 imparts to us peculiar pleasure to look \x\wix your g«'nial 
 face, and to take your friendly hand in ours. As wo heard
 
 332 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 your footsteps approaching the door, we thought they were 
 the footsteps of a Presbyterian : we are happy to learn our 
 mistake. Our mutual friend, Mr. D., has imposed upon me 
 the task of deciding whether we should regale ourselves with 
 coffee, or with brandy, at this hour of the day ; and, after 
 considering the subject candidly, I decided in favor of the 
 latter ; and, as we heard the noise of your coming, we were 
 about to adopt the decision in a practical way. Will you, 
 respected sir, join us in this adoption ? " 
 
 Mr., H. replied, " Mr. C, you ^re always irresistible, and 
 I have neither ability nor disposition to throw the least 
 obstacle in the way of executing a plan so fully approved 
 by your tastes and mine. I move we all regale in accord- 
 ance with the decision of which you have spoken." 
 
 The motion was put, and unanimously adopted, and they 
 all regaled. How strange, and wholly out of place, would 
 such a scene as this in a lawyer's office appear in these 
 prohibitory times ! 
 
 On a certain occasion, when useful machines were being 
 arranged at the Mechanics' Fair in Boston, the question 
 was asked, "What motto shall be placed over the Fair- 
 banks scales ? " Judge Kussell and Judge Warren being 
 present, the former recommended this quotation from Job : 
 " His scales are his pride." The latter suggested this Latin 
 motto, " Monstrat viam," " He shows the way " (weigh). 
 
 Before the present representative district system was 
 adopted in Massachusetts, the number of representatives 
 was reduced by permitting small towns entitled to one rep- 
 resentative each year to send one a certain number of years 
 in ten, and the number was expressed by the numerator of 
 a fraction. Towns entitled to two representatives were per- 
 mitted to send one every year, and another a certain num- 
 ber of years in ten. By this new arrangement, Concord
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 333 
 
 was entitled to one every year, and one other four j'ears in 
 ten. "Wliat belonged to them was expressed by the frac- 
 tion, 1 j^. Concord had sent the same two men to the Legis- 
 lature for several years ; and when the town was furnished 
 with their new apportionment, expressed thus, — 1/^, — 
 Judge Hoar remarked, in the presence of several gentlemen, 
 " I suppose that Concord will continue to send the same two 
 men to the Legislature who have represented her there the 
 past few years, as she is entitled to one and four-tenths of a 
 man." 
 
 Love is Blixd. — An attractive young lady, whose 
 parents possessed great wealth, was strongly prejudiced 
 against tobacco-smoking. The smell of the weed was very 
 offensive, and the man who used it in the form of a lighted 
 cigar was positively disgusting to her. She resolved never 
 to entertain a proposal of marriage from, or even to keep 
 company with, a cigar-smoker. An accomplished young 
 gentleman offered himself to her, who falsely asserted that 
 he never smoked, and that the smell of burning tobacco was 
 positively offensive to him. To convince lier of the truth 
 of his assertion, he proposed boarding in her father's family 
 six weeks, during which time his habits would be subjected 
 to her inspection. The young lady's affections were soon 
 won by the young man, whose every action seemed to her 
 attractive. A short time before the expiration of the six 
 weeks' trial, the young lady's servant-maid ran to her one 
 day, greatly excjted, exclaiming, " As true as you are alive, 
 !Mr. is smoking." 
 
 " It can't be," said the young lady ; " I won't believe it." 
 But she consented to accompany her .servant to the door of 
 the room occupied b}' her lover, and to look through the 
 key-hole for the purpose of seeing what Wiis to bu .seen. 
 As she looked, she disi-overed the object of her afTections 
 bitting in the fire-place, with his head so arranged that iho
 
 334 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 smoke from his cigar was passing up chimney. Afterlooking 
 upon this object a brief'time, she turned to her maid, wring- 
 ing her hands in agony, and exclaiming, "It is a fact: he 
 does smoke." She took a second look, and turned a second 
 time to her maid, repeating her former exclamation, but with 
 much less emotion. A third time she looked through the 
 key-hole, and continued her gaze longer than before, during 
 which her countenance underwent a manifest change. As 
 she turned to her maid the third time, she exclaimed, " It 
 is a fact, he does smoke ; but did you ever see any man 
 smoke so gracefully ? " 
 
 The Folly of borrowing Trouble. — An ancient 
 maiden lady, in her forty-seventh year, was found by her 
 mother strongly excited with grief, which manifested itself 
 in loud crying and flowing tears. The kind mother asked 
 her the cause of her crying. As soon as the daughter could 
 compose herself sufficiently to enable her to speak so that 
 she could be understood, she said, — 
 
 "I have been thinking, that if I should marry, and 
 should have a pretty little son, and he should get to play- 
 ing with a fork, and should put out both of his eyes, how 
 badly I should feeV^ 
 
 The mother laughed, and told her daughter she was in no 
 immediate danger of experiencing such an overwhelming 
 affliction. 
 
 • Col. Isaac 0. Barnes attended a funeral, the services of 
 which were delayed considerably beyond the time of their 
 appointment. Being tired of waiting, the colonel com- 
 menced a conversation with the person who sat next him 
 upon the character of the deceased. 
 
 i' Mr. was a very nice man, wasn't he ? " The re- 
 ply was in the affirmative. 
 
 " He was a man of energy and of good executive power, 
 wasn't he ? "
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 335 
 
 " Yes," was tlie reply. 
 
 " I really believe," said the colonel, " if Mr. had 
 
 been here, he would have put these ceremonies through be- 
 fore this time." 
 
 A Scotch clergyman, preaching one day, quoted the lan- 
 guage of the Psalmist, — 
 
 '' I said in my haste that all men arcliars." 
 Addressing the author, he said, "What's that, Mr. 
 Psalmist ? Said it in your haste, did you ? Had you lived 
 in our day, you might have said it at your leisure." 
 
 A man was arraigned before a justice of the peace, out 
 West, charged with stealing a pig. Two good witnesses 
 swore they saw the accused take the pig from the pen, and 
 bear it away to his home. The law^'er for the defence 
 brought twelve good witnesses, who testified positively that 
 they did not see the accused steal the pig. The only point 
 made by the advocate for the accused was, that the testi- 
 mony of twelve men should outweigh that of two. This 
 one-point argument prevailed, and the accused wTis acquitted. 
 
 A. case was on trial before a justice of the peace in Ver- 
 mont, one party in wliieh was his own advocate, while the 
 other employed a third-rate lawyer. The >nq>rufe.ssioual a<l- 
 vocate Haw that bis (»pponent was manifestly gaining advan- 
 tage of him, and began to consider his case as lost ; when, 
 ca.sting his eye out of the window, he discovered a distin- 
 guished lawyer pa-ssing in his carriage. Leaving the court- 
 room, he rushed into the street, and called uj)on the jiassing 
 lawyer to stop, and, nmch excited, told him to go into 
 court and take care of his case, and he would take care of 
 the team. The lawyer did as he was rciiucsted ; aiwf the 
 old juhtiic fi'lt hiiiihclf bigbly honon-d by buviiig sucb an 
 advocate appear before him. After shaking hands with ihu
 
 336 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 old squire, who was very deaf, the lawyer said he would take 
 the history of the case from him to the stage which had 
 been reached. Taking a seat near him, the lawyer said, — 
 
 " I will now hear your statement." 
 
 After describing the case, the old squire stated the prin- 
 cipal points in the testimony, and what Jie himself had said 
 and done. The lawyer said to the old gentleman, — 
 
 " I heartily approve of all you have done; I should have 
 done just so myself, had I been in your place." 
 
 This complimentary approval pleased the court wonder- 
 fully ; and the opposing counsel saw how the cunning law- 
 yer was working himself into favor with the man who was 
 to decide the case, and he addressed him thus : — 
 
 " You are not acting honorably." 
 
 " What does he say ? " said the deaf old squire to the 
 lawyer. 
 
 " He says you are not acting honorably." 
 
 " Silence ! " said the court. 
 
 " You misrepresent facts." 
 
 " What does he say ? " • 
 
 " He says you misrepresent facts." 
 
 " Silence ! The court will not be insulted." 
 
 " You are a rascal." 
 
 "What does he say?" 
 
 " He says you are a rascal." 
 
 " Silence ! The court will not endure these insults. I 
 give my verdict for the defendant." 
 
 The defendant was the man who undertook to manage 
 his own case. The distinguished lawyer took a respectful 
 leave of the old squire, and went out with his client, who 
 asked him for his fee, and was told," Nothinff / " 
 
 About the year 1795, the first stage-coach ever run in 
 New Hampshire was put upon the road connecting Am- 
 herst with Boston. The commencement of this enterprise
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 337 
 
 excited great public interest. It was a two-horse covered 
 vehicle, owned and driven by Mr. Joseph Wheat ; and ran 
 from Amherst to Boston and back again once a week, — a 
 distance of fifty miles. The stage stopped in Billerica over 
 night, making the trip in about four days. The advantage 
 of changing horses was not then discovered ; for the same 
 team performed the whole journey. People came from a 
 distance of several miles " to look at- the stage ; " and tliey 
 gazed upon it with the same feeling of wonder that their 
 successors did upon the iron horse with his train of cars. 
 As very few people travelled in the stage, Mr. Wheat could 
 not afford to keep a good team. His liorses were poorly 
 fed, and slow travellers. Several anecdotes are told of him, 
 illustrating these qualities of his team. He used to drive 
 through Middlesex Village, Chelmsford, and there bate his 
 horses. On a certain day, he stopped at that place ; and 
 being without passengers, as was often the case, he asked 
 an Irishman, wlio was going to Boston, to ride with him. 
 The Irishman replied, — 
 
 " I thank you, Mr. Wheat, I thank you ver}' kindly ; but I 
 have engaged to be in the city at such a time, and there- 
 fore I cannot travel as slowly as you do. I nmst be after 
 going on foot. If I only had time, it would give me great 
 pleasure to ride with you ; indeed it would." 
 
 On another occasion, this witty Irishman walked a con- 
 siderable distance in company with the stage, when it 
 happen«'<l to be loaded. The driver said to his foot-com- 
 panion, — 
 
 " I am sorry I cannot take you up." 
 
 " Oh, no consequence, no consequence, Mr. Wheat," re- 
 plied the Irishman ; '' but hadn't I better take the mail ? 
 I'm going directly to Boston, and it may accommodate the 
 good people there to obtain their letters before you hhall 
 arrive." 
 
 On another orcasion, Mr. Wheat overtook a man on llxtt, 
 
 22
 
 338 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 and, being without passengers, asked him to ride. The 
 traveller accepted the invitation ; but, going up ascend- 
 ing ground, he jumped from the coach, and walked on, say- 
 ing to the driver that he was in a liurry, and therefore 
 could not stop to ride in the stage. 
 
 Mr. Wheat had a very long nose. The newspaper pub- 
 lished at Amherst, in one of its issues, contained this state- 
 ment : — 
 
 "The weekly mail has not arrived; but, as we .go to 
 press, the nose attached to the mail-coach has made its ap- 
 pearance at the lower end of the plain ; therefore we confi- 
 dently expect the mail soon." 
 
 The English Clergy in the Time of Elizabeth. — 
 The following quotations are from Macaulay's '■' History of 
 England : " " The clergy were regarded as, on the whole, a 
 plebeian class. And, indeed, for one who made the figure 
 of a gentleman, ten were mere menial servants. A large 
 proportion of those divines who had no benefices, or whose 
 benefices were too small to afford a comfortable revenue, 
 lived in the houses of laymen. . . . The coarse and ig- 
 norant squire, who thought that it belonged to his dignity to 
 have grace said every day at his table by an ecclesiastic in 
 full canonicals, found means to reconcile dignity with econ- 
 omy. A young Levite — such was the phrase then in use 
 — might be had for his board, a small garret, and ten 
 pounds a year ; and might not only be always ready in fine 
 weather for bowls, and in rainy weather for shovel-board, 
 but might also save the expense of a gardener or of a 
 groom. Sometimes the reverend man nailed up the apri- 
 cots, and sometimes he curried the coach-horses. He cast 
 up the farrier's bills. He walked ten miles with a message 
 or a parcel. If he was permitted to dine with the fam- 
 ily, he was expected to content himself with the plainest 
 fare. He might fill himself with the corned beef and the
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 339 
 
 carrots ; but as soon as the tarts and cheese-cakes made 
 their appearance, he quitted his seat, and stood aloof till 
 he was summoned to return thanks for the repast, from a 
 great part of which he had been excluded. . . . With 
 his cure, he was expected to take a wife. ... A wait- 
 ing-woman was generally considered as the most suitable 
 helpmate for a parson. Queen Elizabeth, as head of the 
 Church, had given what seemed to be a formal sanction to 
 this prejudice, by issuing special orders that no clergyman 
 should presume to marry a servant-girl without the consent 
 of her master or mistress. During several generations, 
 accordingly, the relation between priests and handmaidens 
 was a theme for endless jest ; nor would it be easy to find, 
 in the comedy of the seventeenth century, a single instance 
 of a clergyman who wins a spouse above the rank of cook." 
 What a contrast between the American clergy of the nine- 
 teenth century and their predecessors just described ! The 
 former are often chief guests at the table, where they are 
 permitted to partake of every course, not omitting the 
 luxuries which constitute the dessert. As a class, they are 
 peculiarly attractive to the other sex, and find no special 
 ditliculty in forming a union with fair ones from the higher 
 ranks of society. The old and feeble, as well as the young 
 and vigorous, are drawn into this union with female com- 
 jmiiioiis fully conipcti-nt to .share with them the respousihil- 
 itics and duties, the privileges and honor, of the sacred uflice. 
 Even the aged ministerial eripples whom liishop A.sbury 
 regarded so perfectly destitute of attractions that no females 
 on their circuit would attempt to win them into matrimony, 
 — even they were drawn into this relation, before the expi- 
 ration of their first year's service. Surely times have 
 changed 1 Tln-re Is sueh a thing as progress. 
 
 A young man, who had formerly attended Dr. l^ethune'a 
 meeting, after an absence of a few years called upon him,
 
 340 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 and said, " Dr. Bethune, I have become a Chrifitian since I 
 saw you, and have joined the army of the liord," 
 
 " I am very glad to hear it," said the doctor ; and added, 
 "With what denomination have you become connected ? " 
 
 " The Baptists/' was his reply. 
 
 " The Baptists," said Dr. Bethune, " constitute the navy 
 of the Lord." 
 
 In a public lecture upon the education of children, Dr. 
 Bethune said that the best essays on this subject had been 
 written either by wives who had never borne children, or 
 by maiden ladies. 
 
 The compiler, some thirty-five years ago, heard, in the 
 city of Cincinnati, an introductory political speech, which 
 closed in the following language : — 
 
 " Fellow-citizens, on next Tuesday you will be called to 
 perform an important duty. You will be called to exercise 
 the right of suffrage, — a most sacred right. In that exer- 
 cise, remember, you are acting not only for yourselves, but 
 for your progenitors.'" 
 
 The trustees of a female Baptist seminary being in want 
 of a principal, and learning that a Congregational lady of 
 good reputation as teacher could probably be obtained for 
 their service, called upon her and made known their wants, 
 and learned that her services could be obtained. Her 
 credentials were satisfactorjr to the gentlemen, and the 
 pay they offered was satisfactory to her. They told her that 
 it was a rule of the seminary that all the pupils should attend 
 church twice each sabbath, when in health ; and as their 
 church was the only one in the village, they all attended it, 
 and the principal accompanied them. They asked her if 
 she would be''willing to attend a Baptist meeting. 
 
 " Oh, yes, gentlemen," was her reply : " I will worship 
 with you, and commjine with you too."
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 341 
 
 • A 3'oung ph3'sician in tlie "West, having the gift of talk, 
 was persuaded to take the stump in the advocacy of liis 
 fitness and chiiins for a political office. While absent from 
 home, in conducting liis part of the campaign, he was so 
 much abused by his competitor, and others opposed to him 
 in the contest, that he said he began to think he was not 
 the man he used to be ; that he had really become another 
 person, possessing a bad reputation and a vile character. 
 As he approached his house, he was met by his little dog, 
 who recognized him as his master, and who manifested 
 great joy in welcoming him there. Witnessing this con- 
 duct of his dog convinced him that he had not changed, 
 and that all the representations of himself he had heard 
 were false. 
 
 A great many years ago, a good mother found her two 
 little boys, her only children, quarrelling, and said to them, 
 " Boys, why can't you play together in peace ? If you 
 will observe this simple rule, you will get along without 
 trouble : ' Let each one take care of one.' " 
 
 "That is just what I wish to do," said Peter: "I wish to 
 take care of John." 
 
 Within a few miles of the old homestead where the com- 
 piler's youthful days were spent, there stood, not long ago, 
 a very oM house, in wliich an honest and wealtliy farmer 
 of tlie Puritan stamp lived, and died at tlie great age of 
 more than ninety years, lie reared a respectable famil}'. 
 One of his sons is now residing in a city of Massachusetts, 
 retired from business with a fortune which ranks him with 
 the indepen<lently rich. The house in which tjiis old 
 Yankee gentleman lived a temperate, religious, and useful 
 life, was a low, on(.'-story Ijuilding, without paint, plastering, 
 or clapboanls. Two rooms were sheathed bilow the win- 
 dows, and uU the others were witliout this shield from tho
 
 342 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 cold. The chamber consisted of one room, which was well 
 supplied with such chamber-furniture .as the following: 
 There stood the boys' beds, the family meal-chest, with all 
 its partings, and the bins for different kinds of grain. 
 When the owner and occupant of this house was about 
 sixty years of age, he married a widow, who brought to his 
 home two minor children. Wishing the house to be made 
 more comfortable for herself and hers, the new wife asked 
 her husband to plaster two rooms below, and to furnish a 
 sleeping-room above. The reply of the husband was, 
 " This house has served my first wife and her children, 
 and I guess it must do for you and your children." 
 
 Some years ago, there was a caricature, very graphically 
 portraying the grades of difference in the ardor of the 
 three nations, — the English, Irish, and Scotch. An Eng- 
 lishman, an Irishman, and a Scotchman were represented 
 as looking through a confectioner's window at a beautiful 
 young woman serving in the shop. 
 
 " Oh ! " exclaimed Mr. Patrick, " do let us be after spend- 
 ing a half-crown with the dear craytur, that we may look at 
 her convaniently, and have a bit of chat with her." 
 
 " You extravagant dog ! " says Mr. George : " I'm sure 
 one-half the money will do quite as well. But let us go in, 
 by all means : she's a charming girl." 
 
 " Ah, wait a wee ! " interrupted Mr. Andrew : " dinna ye 
 ken it'll serve our purpose equally weel just to ask the 
 bonny lassie to gie us twa sixpences for a shilling, and in- 
 quire where's Mr. Thompson's hoose, and sic like ? We're 
 no hungry, and may as weel save the siller." 
 
 When General V was quartered in a small town in 
 
 Ireland, he and his lady were regularly besieged, whenever 
 they got into their carriage, by an old beggar-woman, wlio 
 kept her post at the door, assailing them daily with fresh
 
 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 343 
 
 importunities and fresh tales of distress. At last the lady's 
 charity and the general's patience were nearly exhausted ; 
 but their petitioner's wit was still in its pristine vigor. 
 One morning, at the accustomed hour, when the lady was 
 getting into her carriage, the old woman began : " Agh ! my 
 lady ; success to yer ladj'ship, and success to yer honor's 
 honor this morning, of all the days in the year; for, 
 sure, didn't I drame last night that her ladyship gave me a 
 pound of tay, and that yer honor gave me a pound of 
 tobacco?" 
 
 " But, my good woman," said the general, " do you not 
 know that dreams always go by the rule of contrary ? " 
 " Do they so, plase yer honor ? " rejoined the old woman : 
 » " then it must be yer honor that will give me the tay, and 
 her ladyship that will give me the tobacco." 
 
 An English yeoman once evinced an ignorance of the 
 meaning of words which proved profitable to his religious 
 teacher. The latter, in closing a sermon, stated that he had 
 fiill confidence in the scriptural correctness of the views he 
 had expressed ; yet he must admit that other opinions pre- 
 vailed, and certainly the commentaries did not agree with 
 him. On the following day, the yeoman referred to called 
 upon his pastor, fallowed by a stout fellow bearing a well- 
 fillcd sack iijion his shoulders, and said to the reverend gen- 
 tleman, '* hscr, yo towd us yisterday, i' yore sarmon, th' com- 
 mon 'tatoes didn't agree wi' yo ; so I've browt a seek o' th' 
 Onnskirk sets, o' my own growin' ; and I liiow they're 
 good uns : so I hope yo'll accept on um, and that they'll 
 agree wi' yo." 
 
 One evening, at Oxford, l)r. riohnson was present at a 
 private party, when, among other topics, an essay on the 
 futiiT'; life of brutes was mentioned, and a gentleman pres- 
 ent was inclined to support the author's opinion, that the
 
 344 MIETHFULNESS. 
 
 ■e 
 
 lower animals have an "immortal part." He familiarly 
 remarked to the doctor, " Really, sir, when we see a very 
 sensible dog, we don't know what to think of him." Upon 
 which, Johnson, turning quickly round, replied, "True, sir; 
 and when we see a very foolish felloiv, we don't know what 
 to think of hiyn." 
 
 A traveller coming into the kitchen of an inn, in a very 
 cold night, stood so close to the fire that he burnt his boots. 
 An arch rogue, who sat in the chimney-corner, cried out to 
 him, " Sir, you'll burn your spurs presently." 
 
 " My boots, you mean, I suppose," said the gentleman. 
 
 " No, sir," replied the other : " the^ are burnt already." 
 
 A busy impertinent, entertaining Aristotle the philoso- 
 pher one day with a tedious discourse, and observing that 
 he did not much regard him, made an apology, that he was 
 afraid he had interrupted him. 
 
 " No, really," replied the philosopher : " you have not 
 interrupted me at all, for I have not minded one word you 
 said." 
 
 As a certain musician, who had a very bad voice, was 
 singing one day, he took notice of a gentlewoman who fell 
 a-crying ; when, imagining that the sweetness of his melody 
 awoke some passion in her breast, he began to sing louder, 
 and she to weep more bitterly. When he had ended his 
 song, he approached the lady, and asked her why she cried. 
 
 " Oh ! " said she, " I am the unfortunate woman whose 
 ass the wolves devoured yesterday ; and when I heard you 
 sing, I thought on my poor beast ; for, surely, never were two 
 voices so much alike as his and yours." 
 
 When Garrick was last at Paris, Preville, the celebrated 
 French actor, invited him to his villa. Our Eoscius, being
 
 MISCELLANEOUS A>rECDOTES. 345 
 
 in a gay humor, proposed to go in one of the hired coaches 
 that rogularly ply between Pari9 and Versailles, on which 
 road Preville's villa was situated. When they got in, Gar- 
 rick ordered the coachmau to drive on ; but the fellow 
 answered -that he would do so as soon as he had got his 
 complement of four passengers. 
 
 A caprice imn;ediately seized Garrick : he determined 
 to give his brother-player a specimen of his art. While 
 the coachman was attentively looking out for passengers, 
 Garrick slipped out at the door, went round the coach, 
 and, by his wonderful command of countenance, — a power 
 which he so happily displayed in Abel Drugger, — palmed 
 himself upon the coachman as a stranger. This he did 
 twice, and was admitted each time into the coach as a fresh 
 passenger, to the astonishment and admiration of Preville. 
 Garrick stepped out a third time, and, addressing himself 
 to the coachman, was answered in a surly tone, " that he 
 had already got his complement," and was about to drive off 
 without him, when I'reville cried out, " Let the stranger in : 
 he is a small man, and we can accommodate him without 
 discommoding ourselves." 
 
 This plea i)rc vailed, and Garrick was permitted to enter 
 the coach. 
 
 Boswell, dining one day with Dr. Johnson, asked him if 
 he did not think that a good cot;k was more essential to the 
 community than a good poet. 
 
 *' I don't suj>[)o.se," said the doctor, " that there's a dog in 
 the town but what thinks so." 
 
 M. Lalan<h', the French astronomer, during the whole 
 time of the Itevolution confined himself to the study of his 
 favorite seience. When he found he had cHcaix'd the fury 
 of llobeHi»i<Tre, ho jocosely said, " 1 may thank my stars 
 for my safety."
 
 346 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 A witness in court spoke in a very loud and harsh voice, 
 and the lawyer employed on the other side exclaimed, 
 "Fellow, why dost thou bark so furiously ? " 
 
 " Because," replied the rustic, " I think I see a thief." 
 
 An author was reading some bad verses to a friend in a 
 very cold apartment, when the latter, shivermg, cried out, 
 " You must either put fire in your verses, or your verses in 
 the fire, if you wish to prevent my freezing." 
 
 Several of the British dames are very fond of the Trafal- 
 gar garter, on which is inscribed the memorable signal, 
 " England expects every man to do his duty." 
 
 Two gentlemen discoursing in a public company, one of 
 them observed that the disorder of the king's-evil was very 
 uncommon in this country. 
 
 " True," replied the other : " the ki7ig^s evil seldom rages 
 in a republican government." 
 
 A Yankee, according to the poet Saxe, is a driving young 
 
 man : — 
 
 " He sees aqueducts in bubbling springs, 
 Buildings in stone, and cash in every thing." 
 
 A physician who carries a merry physiognomy into the 
 sick-room, and among chronic, nervous, and hypochondriac 
 people, does much more to efi'ect cures by his warm, hearty 
 laugh, and joyous face, than by his medicines. 
 
 An Athenian (as was customary with that people) had 
 caused the following inscription to be placed over the door 
 of his house : — 
 
 " Let nothing enter here but what is good." 
 
 Diogenes asked, " Then where will the master go in ? "
 
 ADDRESS. 347 
 
 ADDRESS. ■ 
 
 Havixo completed my book, I send it forth among the 
 millions tto w»rk its way to public favor. I ask for it a 
 general circulation, with the hope that it may contribute 
 largely to the rational enjoyment of the people. With 
 great labor I have collected a very large variet}- of witty 
 and humorous sayings, of anecdotes and pleasantries, free 
 from those objectionable features which have too often 
 belonged to the exciters of mirthfulness. I have endeav- 
 ored to exclude from this collection every thing that would 
 tend to demoralize or even offend the taste of the virtuous 
 and the good. I think I have succeeded in making a col- 
 lection of rational exciters of that human faculty wliiih 
 helps distinguish man from the lower grades of animals, 
 and, in its appropriate exercise, tends strongly to promote 
 his health and hapi)iness. I sincerely hope that some con- 
 scientious persons, who, through incorrect views of spiritual 
 Christianity, hav« thought it wrong to laugh, will have 
 their views corrected by my essay ; and that the same per- 
 sons will find profitable amusement and rational enjoy- 
 ment in the occasional reading of my innocent promoters 
 of laughter. I think my book will fill a niche that lias 
 never been j»ropcrly filled, and will supply a di-mand felt 
 by a large number of persons. I liave long felt this de- 
 mand myself, and have heard many others express the same 
 feelings. I h<^)e my lKX)k will do good, as a medicini-, by 
 exterminating the blues, and making those cheerful ;inil 
 happy who might otherwise bo sad, and even wretched. 
 I do not claim for it the most exall<'<l agency, and y<'t I 
 claim for it an important agency. If pniperly used, it will 
 benefit ihe user. It is not designed, like many other books, 
 to tax the energiea of the mind, and to impose labn- on
 
 348 MIRTHFULNESS. 
 
 those who peruse it. Its design is to impart rest to the 
 weary by rationally exciting their mirthfulness, and afford- 
 ing them rational enjoyment. Its design is also to meet 
 the demands of the mirthful for fun, without inflicting upon 
 them moral injury. To what extent I have accomplished 
 my purpose, which must be regarded laudable by all reason- 
 able persons, my readers must he the judges ; to whom I 
 submit the book.
 
 1>% ■'
 
 -r,f^^ ») r^takvT^ Lot AriMiM 
 
 L 007 351 932 4 
 
 UC SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY f ACILITY 
 
 A A 000 282 527 1