SP& fc. v >*'.*( ? -s~s*A*y*l'*-i JEUX D'ESPRIT. J* JEUX D'ESPRIT WRITTEN AND SPOKEN BY FRENCH AND ENGLISH WITS AND HUMOURISTS. COLLECTED AND EDITED BY HENRY S. LEIGH. CHATTO AND WINDUS, PICCADILLY. 1877- PREFACE. O claim the merit of completeness for a collection like the present would be an attempt even more absurd than hopeless : the wit and humour of a hun- dred years would fill a library with vol of this kind. I have aimed only at a charac- teristic selection gathering often but a stray blossom where a whole flower-bed co the plucking. Now and then I have thought proper to condense an original, as in the exquisite but somewhat lengthy " Rovers " of Canning and Frere; and now and then I have omitted from a long letter the parts unsuitable for my purpose. 2017210 vi Preface. By consulting the best authorities for the parentage of these witticisms I relieve my readers o^ many apocryphal jests that have long- sailed the nrean of light literature under notoriously false colours. Anonymous jokes have also been excluded as a matter of course ; and the too common phrases "A wag, meeting another in the street, remarked " and " It was well observed by a witty author *" that " are scrupulously ignored in the following pages. In the sequence of these trifles I have carefully avoided anything that approaches method. K^bouquet owes its charm to its variety. Five or six pages of Sydney Smith's clerical gaieties would grow mono- tonous. The cynicisms of Talleyrand and Preface. vii the acerbities of Jerrold must be taken in ^ small doses.^ The mention of Talleyrand reminds me that France is by no means unrepresented in S this book ; and I fancy that the names of Piron, Fontenelle, Rivarol, and Chamfort will be as welcome as those of their English brethren. HENRY S. LEIGH. IT JEUX D 'ESPRIT. OOD inserts in one of his Comic Annuals a letter on autographs, in which he classifies them as follows : " There have been autographs written by proxy," he says ; " for example, Doctor Dodd penned one for Lord Chesterfield, ^yt f ^ ohH^ ^ stranger In this way \tt very dangerous, considering how easil3_a_ few lines mav be twisted^infrft a rope. " With regard to my own particular practice, I have often traced an autograph with my walking stick on the sea-sand. I also seem to remember writing one with my forefinger on a dusty t and am pretty sure I could do it with the smoke of a candle nn fh" ^^^ I have seen something like a badly scribbled autograph made by children with a thread of treacleon a slice of B eiix d' Esprit, suet dumpling. Then it may be done with vege- tables. - My little girl grew her autograph the other/ day in mustard and cress. "Domestic servants, I have observed, are fond of scrawling autographs on a tea-tray with th^x slopped milk ; also of scratching them on a soft deal dresser, the lead of the sink, and, above all, the quicksilver side of a looking-glass a surface, by the by, quite irresistible to any one who can write and does not bite her nails. " A friend of mine possesses an autograph v^ y ^REMEMBER JIM HOSKINS done with a red-hot/^ poker on the back-kitchen door. This, however, is awkward to bind up. " Gentlemen in love delight in carving their autographs on the bark of trees, as other idle fellows are apt to hack and hew them on tavern ^^r- benches and rustic seats. Amongst various modes, I have seen a shop-boy dribble his autograph from a tin of water on a dry pavement. " The celebrated Miss Biffin used to distribute autographs among her visitors which she wrote with pen grasped between her teeth. Another, a German phenomenon, held the implement with his toes. r (*-/ Jeux d' Esprit. " When the sweetheart of Mr. intyp umk- re- quested his autograph, and explained what it was namely, ' a couple of l>s or so with his to it ' he replied thaKne would leave it to her in his wilL seeing asjefow it was done with m his left arm/ icki "JDoppeldi an autograph for a friend lished in a quarto volume." ius, the learned Dutchman, wrote which the latter pub- -" IHARLES LAMB writes as follows to his friend Manning, who contemplates becoming a missionary and converting savages : " My dear Manning, The general scope your letter afforded no indications of insanit but some particular points raised a scruple. For God's sake, don't think any more of Independent Tartary. What are you to do among such Ethro-s plans ? Is there no lineal descendant of Prester John ? Is the chair empty ? Is the sword un- swayed ? Depend upon it, they'll never make you their king as long as any branch of that great sfcock is remaining. I tremble for your Jeux d' Esprit. Christianity : they will certainly circumcise you./ Read Sir John Mandeville's Travels to cure you, or come over to England. There is a Tartarman ow exhibiting at Exeter 'Change. Come and talk with him, and hear what he says, first. In- deed, he is no very favourable specimen of his countrymen. But perhaps the best thing you can do is to try to get the idea out of your head. For this purpose repeat to yourself every night, after you have said your prayers, the words 'Independent Tartary, Independent Tartary,' two or three times, and associate with them the idea of oblivion ^'tis Hartley's method with obstinate memories;, or say, 'Independent, Independent, have I not already got an independence ? ' TJfat was a clever way of he old Puritans, pun-ilunnity. My dear friend, think what a sad pity it would be to bury such parts in heathen countries, among nasty, uncon- versable, horse-belching Tartar people ! Some say they are cannibals ; and then, conceive a Tartar i^ How eating my friend, and adding tb^ ' ^r^^nn^ jlickman is a man absolute in all numbers. I think I may one day bring you acquainted, if you do not go to Tartary first ; for you'll never come back. Have a care, my dear friend, anthropophagi : their stomachs are always craving 'Tis terrible to HP yjrr'lf ' ~"f nf f"T"i^ " pound. To sit at table (the reverse of fishes in Holland), not as a guest but as a meat. ^ " God bless you ; do come to England. Air and exercise may do great things. Talk with some minister. Why not your father ? "God dispose all for the best. I have dis- charged my duty. " Your sincere friend, " C. LAMB." ||T1| ORD NORBURY, while sitting on a somewhat |i.JM| noisy triaL was pressing a reluctant witnessj^j in order to get at his profession. Being j at length told that he kept a rackyt-court, his j lordship remarked, "And a very gopa trade, too. I So do I, so do I!" ,\/ Jeux d' Esprit. THE OLD BACHELOR. |HEN I was a schoolboy, aged ten, Oh, mighty little Greek I knew ; With my short striped trousers, and now and then With stripes upon mv jacket too U^** When I saw other boys to the playground run I threw my old Gradus by, \f And I left the task I had scarce begun ; There'll be time enough for that, said I. <^* /> When I was at college my pride was dress, ui And my grpgrn and m^bj^oLblgflo! {**" But as for my studj^ I must confess That I was content with my stud^JfC I was deep in my tradesmen's books, I'm afraid, Jnngh ' , 1 i |1 V- -*/ And when rascally tailors came to be paia, There'll be time enough for that, said I. I was just nineteen when I first fell in love, And I scribbled a deal of rhyme ; And I talked to myself in a shady grove Till I thought I was quite sublime. 8 Jeux d' Esprit. I was torn from my love ! 'twas a dreadful blow, And the lady she wiped her eye ; But I didn't die of grief oh, dear me, no There'll be time enough for that, said I. The next was a lady of rank, a dame With blood in her veins, you see , With the leaves of the Peerage she fanned thelj flame *r That was now consuming met But though of her great descent she spoke, I found she was still very high^^ And I thought looking up to a wife There'll be time enough for that e no joke-^T , said I. ^ My next penchant was for one whose face Was her fortune, she was so fair l^\ Oh, she spoke with an air of enchanting But a man cannot live upon air ; Ajid when Poverty enters the door, young Love fc Wnin" 4 -~ f * u ~~irrm r r V The truth of the proverb I'd no wish to prove*? There'll be time enough for that, said I. / My next was a lady who loved romance,^ And wrote very splendid things ; Jeux d* Esprit. And she said with a sneer, when I asked her to dance, " Sir. I ride upon a horse with wing^s ! '^C There was ink on her thumb when I kissed her hand, And she whispered, " If you should die^. . I will write you an epitaph, gloomy and There'll be time enough for that, sai^ I left her, and sported my figure and face At opera, party, and ball ; I met pretty girls at ev'ry plac But I found a defect in all ! The first did not suit me, I cannot tell The second, I cannot say why :^^ And the third Bless me, I will not marry now ; There'll be time enough for that, said I. I looked in the glass and I thought I could trace A sort of a wrinkle or two ; II So I made up my mind that I'd make up my face, A \ And come out afi gnnrl og ""' To my hair I imparted a little more jet, And I scarce could suppress a sigh ; But I cannot be quite an old bachelor yet No, there's time enough for that, said I. ro Jeux d' Esprit. I was now fifty-one, yet I still did adopt All the airs of a juvenile beau ; But somehow, whenever the question I popp'd, The girls with a laugh said, " No ! " >^ I am sixty to-day not a very young man And a bachelor doomed to die ; So youths be advised, and marry while you can There's no time to be lost, say I. THOMAS HAYNES BAYLY. J I WONDER," said Thomas Hood to a friend, " that none of the quack doctors have got up an infallible nostrum against the sea- 4 * malady. It would be sure, one would think, of a saiL One can almost fancy a little dialogue : "Passenger. Well, doctor, I have tried youi/^ sea-sick remedy. ^/ " Doctor. Well, and how did it turn out ? ' YOUNG gentleman- was requested, in com- pany where the younger Colman was present, to sing. He declared that he could not, and added that they evidently wished to make * a butifof him. " No, my dear sir," said George/ " they only want to get a stave out of you." V Jeux d' Esprit. YDNEY SMITH was once advised by a fashionable publisher to attempt a three volume novel. " Well," said he, after some seeming consideration, " if I do so, I must have an archdeacon for my hero, to fall in love with the pew-opener, with the clerk for a confidant \-^ tyrannical interference of the churchwardens clandestine correspondence concealed under the hassocks appeal to the parishioners, etc., etc." MAN being convicted of bigamy before Mr. Justice Maule, the following dialogue took place : Clerk of Assize. What have you to say why ^ judgment should not be passed upon yorf according to law? / Prisoner. Well, my lord, my wife/took up with ^ a hawker and ran away five yearsVigo, and I have / never seen her since, and I married this woman last winter. Mr. Justice Maule. I will tell you what you ought to have done ; and, if you say you did know, Ijnust tell you that the law conclusively presumes^Jja^iftifcJtdT You ought to have in- 1 2 Jeux d* Esprit. structed your attorney to bring an action against/ I the hawker for criminal conversation with yourj I l/jji*^, wife. That would have cost you about 100.^? When you had recovered substantial damages against the hawker, you would have instructed your proctor to sue in trie Ecclesiastical Courts for a divorce a mcnsd et thoro. That would have cost you .200 or 300 more. When you had obtained \ *^^ a divorce a mensa ct thoro, you would have had to * appear by counsel before the House of Lords for a I divorce a vinculo matrinionii. The Bill might have been opposed in all its stages in both Houses of jl \^^* Parliament, and altogether you would have had to | spend about ;i,ooo or .1,200. You will probably tell me that you never had a thousand farthings of \ \ / your own in flic world ; but, jaisoner, that makes 10 difference. Sitting here as a British judge, it is ny duty to tell you that this is not a country in which there is one law for the rich and another for [OVE is more pleasant than marriage, for ] the same reason that romances are more amusing than history. CHAMFORT. Jeux d' Esprit. 13 SONG. IHREE score and ten by common calculation The years of man amount to ; but we'll saj- He turns four-score, yet, in my estimation, In all those years he has not lived a day.J^ Out of the eighty you must first remember The hours of night you pass asleep in bed f~ And, counting from December to December, Just half your life you'll find you have dead- red/ct : Me fn To forty years at once by this reduction We come ; and sure, the first nve from your birth, While cutting teeth and living upon suction, You're not alive to what this life is worth. From thirty-five next take for education S Fifteen at least at college and at school^ When, notwithstanding all your application, * The chances are you may turn out a fool. H Still twenty we have left us to dispose of, But during them your fortune you've to And granting, with the luck of some one knows of, 'Tis made in ten that's ten from life to take. 14 Jeux d' Esprit. Out of the ten yet left you must allow for The time for shaving, tooth and other ache$\ Say four and that leaves six, too short, I vow, for Regretting past and making fresh mistakes. \f Meanwhile each hour dispels some fond illusion ; Until at length, sans eyes, sans teeth, you may Have scarcely sense to come to this conclusion Vrm'w r^arjif^ frmt-c^rtrp hi if faygn' i J. R. PLANCH& I/ The following attempt at bQysJjiggy l ^y Horace Walpole, is remarkably happy : SITS with my feet in a brook ; And if any one asks me for why, I hits him a lick with my crook^^ And says, " Sentiment kills me," says I. |JF||! YDNEV SMlTHyt'alking of the bad effects of [Basil late hours^said of a distinguished diner- out that /t would be written on his tomb, ^He dined \kfte." " And died early," added Luttrell. Jeux d' Esprit. 15 WRITTEN IN A YOUNG LADY'S ALBUM. PRETTY task, Miss S , to ask A Benedictine pen, That cannot quite at freedom write Like those of other men. No lover's plaint my Muse must paint To fill this page's span, But be correct and recollect I'm not a single man. Pray only think for pen and ink How hard to get along, That may not turn on words that burn, ^ Or Love, the life of song. Nine Muses, if I chooses, I May woo all in a clan ; But one Miss S I daren't address I'm not a single man. Scribblers unwed, with little head, May eke it out with heart, And in their lays it often plays A rare first-fiddle part. 1 6 Jeux d' Esprit. They make a kiss to rhyme with bliss But if / so began, I have my fears about my I'm not a single man. Upon your cheek I may not speak, Nor on your lip be warm ; I must be wise about your eyes-x- And formal with your formj.^^ Of all that sort of thing, in short, On T. H. Bayly's plan, I must not twine a single line-J- I'm not a single man. A watchman's part compels my heart To keep you off its beat, And I might dare as soon to swear ^+ K\.you as at your feet. I can't expire in passion's fire, As other poets can : ^f My life (she's by !) won't let me die I'm not a single man. Shut out from love, denied a dove, Forbidden bow and dart ; Jeux d' Esprit. 17 Without a groan to call my own, With neither hand nor heart ; To Hymen vowed and not allowed To flirt e'en with your fan, Here end, as just a friend, I must I'm not a single man. THOMAS HOOD. [EKYLL one day received an invitation to Lansdowne House, but excused himself by a prior engagement to meet the judges.^ During the dinner a part of the ceiling at Larf^ downe House fell in. Jekyll afterwards described his escape thus : " I was asked to ruat cesium, but dinedjnstead with fiat justitia. ' ' HEN the Duke of York, during the Wal- _ cheren Expedition, had to retreat before French. Sheridan gave as a toast, Duke of York and his brave followers." .YDNEY SMITH said /that his idea of heaven / was eating foie^gras to the sound of trum- /^ pets. Jeux d 'Esprit. T some country house, where a dramatic J piece founded on " Ivanhoe " was to be performed, Lord Alvanley was requested to play the part of Isaac of York. He declined, saying, " I never could do a Jew in my life," [K3jrjj|ERROLD, speaking of a thorough scoundrel, IsJJJI says, " He would sharpen'a knife upon jus - EPIGRAM. I HE French have taste in all they do, Which we are quite without : For Nature, that to them gave gotit, -"' > us gave only gout. LORD ERSKINE. R. DUNNING, afterwards Lord Ashburton, was stating the law to a jury at Guildhall, when Lord Mansfield interrupted him by\ j saying, "IfJI/tat be law, I'll go home and burn oiyf I books." " ]VIy lord," replied Dunning, " you had better go home and read them." Jcux cT Esprit. 19 MY AUNT. jrajTlY aunt ! my dear unmarried aunt ! SjafiLfil Long years have o'er her flown ; Yet still she strains the aching clasp That binds her virgin zone. I know it hurts her though she looks As cheerful as she can-j*--'* er waist is ampler than her life For life is but a span. My aunt ! my poor deluded aunt ! Her hair is almost gray ; Why will she train that winter In such a^spring-like way ? How can she lay her glasses down And say she reads as well, When, through a double convex lens, She just makes out to spell ? Her father grandpapa, forgive This erring lip its smiles ! Vowed she should make the finest gir Within a hundred miles. 2O Jeux d' Esprit. He sent her to a stylish school 'Twas in her thirteenth June And with her (as the rules required) Two towels and a spoon. They braced my aunt against a board " To make her straight and tall ; ^ThrjHnrrri hrr jjpj they stan^d^h^ejyiown. To make her light and small. They pinched heFTeet, they singed her hajr, They screwed it up with pins ; Oh, never mortal suffered more 1 1 In penance for her sins. So, when my precious aunt was done, My grandsire brought her back (By daylight, lest some rabid youth ^ Might follow on the track.) " Ah ! " said my grandsire, as he shook fSome powder in his pan, What could this lovely creature do Against a desperate man ? " Alas ! nor chariot, nor barouche, Nor bandit cavalcade, Jeux d' Esprit. 21 Tore from the trembling father's arms His all-accomplish'd maid. For her how happy had it been ! j \^ And Heaven had spared to m| To see one sad, ungathered rose! On my ancestral tree. OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. ELLENBOROUGH showing some im- |.@^l| patience at a barrister's speech, the gen- tleman paused, and said " Is it the plea- sure of the court that I should proceed with my statement ? " " Pleasure, sir, has been out of the question for a long time, but you may proceed." k JERROLD, speaking of a dangerous HUH illness from which he had recovered, de- scribed it as " a runaway knoo at Death's y^ door." v . - [EKYLL, calling on Colman, noticed a squirrel " in one of the usual round cages. "Ah, poor devil !" was the pitying remarlcrj'fre's \/ Jf going the Home Circuit." r) 22 Jcnx d' Esprit. JJELIEVE, Charles Lamb, you have heard me preach ? " asked Coleridge once, in the middle of one of his almost endless monologues. " I n-never heard you d-d-do any- f \4e i | - thing else," stammered Elia. * , wi k I u K RAIKES, whose rather interesting Diary has conferred upon him a limited t 1 ifnnr^^rfality was a club-man of the first!/ water in the days when George the Fourth J was king. He shone rather conspicuously as^aj dandv^. but Nature had almost neutralized the - \ /efforts of Art by disfiguring Thomas Raikes's features and his nose in particular with marks/^ , \ of the small-pox. One day the fashionable diarist r amused himself by composing and sending toj Count D'Orsay some offensively personal verses These were, of course, despatched anonymously the envelope being fastened with a red wafer am stamped with a thimble. The verses got about am caused considerable amusement. D'Orsay at once penetrated the mystery, and meeting the author V of the mauvaise J)laisanterie at one of his clubs a I few days after, mildly counselled him thus : "The^ Jeiix d' Esprit. 23 next time, mon cher, that you write any one an < anonymous letter, pray don't sealit with the tip V/ of your nose." EPIGRAM. |S late the Trades Unions, by way of a show, Over Westminster Bridge strutted five in row, " I feel for the bridge," whispered Dick with a shiver ; " Thus tried by the mob it may sink in the river." Quoth Tom (a Crown lawyer), " Abandon your fears ; As a bridge it can only be tried by its piers." X ' JAMES SMITH. IS^jHEODORE HOOK, being challenged to pun BLBI on the name of Rosenagen. introduced the following verse into one of his im- provisations : " Yet more of my Muse is required ; Alas ! I'm afraid she is done. But no ! Like a fiddler that's She'll rosin-again and go on ! " Gu cnw |pu find people ready enough Samaritan without the "oil and twooe^L SYDNEY SMITH, ||irj|jAMES ALBERY, the dramatist, was one day [iMJa| descending in a great hurry the steps fronting the Savage Club, when a stranger . in a state of anxiety which defied punctuation jr* addressed him thus : " I beg your pardon but is there a gentleman in this club with one eye qf foe name of X ? " Albery answered the question eagerly by another : " Stop a moment. What's the name of his other eye ? " USHE, the Irish Chief-Baron, made this im- promptu verse upon J:wo agitators who had refused to fight duels, one on account of his affection for his wife, and the other because of his love for his daughter : Two heroes of Erin, abhorrent of slaughter, Improved on the Hebrew command Due honoured his wife and the other his daughter That his days might be long in the land." Jeux d' Esprit. 25 SMITH, speaking of three very lovely sisters, said they were all so bea that Paris could not have decided between them, but would have cut his apple into slices. [R BOYLE ROCHE, in spite of his unenviable reputation, was capable of some better than mere Irish bulls. One day, when Curran declared that "he was quite capable of acting as tfrp frii^rHian rf \]\f f""- l n..-^ 1 Sir Boyle said, " Indeed ; I always thought, that Ihe honourable member was an enemy to sin cures." F Diogenes were living in these times, says Chamfort, his lantern would have to be a dark one. r f ** ft> f f\J i Njlliterate /publican at Harrogate wrote oygr "his door. j" Bear sold here/'" He spells the / word quite correctly," said Theodore Hook, ^ " if he means to apprize us that the article is of his own Bruin ! " 26 Jeux d' Esprit. EPIGRAM. this night's masquerade," quoth Dick, " By pleasure I am beckoned ; And think 'twould be a pleasant trick To go as Charles the Second." Tom felt for repartee athirst, And thus to Richard said : " You'd better go as Charles the First For that requires no head." >?-^ "" JAMES SMITH. SJIYDNEY SMITH, writing to Lady Holland, gyjj says : " Luttrell came over for a day, k from where I know not, but, I thought not \ fr,ofrrgc<>d pastures ; at least, he had not his usual soup-and-pattie look. There was a forced smilejj ^tf upon his countenance, which seemed to indicate! plain roast and boiled, _and a sort of apple-vX pudding depression, as if he had been staying^ with a clergyman. He was very agreeable, but I spoke too lightly, I thought, of veal Jeux d' Esprit, 27 feljpw fepls Iflpelv. and ""jlllf* / WENDELL HOLMES. JHARLES LAMB, coming to town one day in the Enfield coach, was considerably bored by the questions of an agricultural^ fellow-traveller, especially relating to the weather and the crops. Lamb knew and cared very little about either. At last came the maddening en- * quiry, " How do you think the turnips will come^^ out, sir?" "Why, sir," stammered the exasper-|| y- ated victim, " I suppose it will all d-d-depend uponrr the b-b-boiled legs of mutton ! " jg--|R, OUGLAS JERROLD and Laman Blanchard {jjJgJl .were strolling about and discussing a plan for aiding the cause of Greek liberty, when a shower came on and wetted them to the skin. Relating the incident afterwards, Jerrold observed, " That shower of rain washed all the / Greece out of us7* 28 A Jeux d'Esprit. RICH AND POOR; OR, SAINT AND SINNER. | HE poor man's sins are glaring ; In the face of ghostly warning, He is caught in the fact Of an overt act Buying greens on Sunday morning. }\ I The rich man's sins are hidden In the pomp of wealth and station ; And escape the sight Of the children of light, Who are wise in their generation. The rich man has a kitchen, And cooks to dress his dinner ; The poor who would roast To the baker's must post, And thus becomes a sinner. The rich man has a cellar, And a ready butler by him ; The poor must steer | I For his pint of beer Where the saint can't choose but spy him. I Jeux d' Esprit. 29 The rich man's painted windows Hide the concerts of the quality The poor can but share A crack'd riddle in the Which offends all sound morality. The rich man is invisible In the crowd of his gay society ^^^ But the poor man's delight i I Is a sore in the sight I And a stench in the nose of piety. /( The rich man has a carriage * Where no rude eyes can flout him r The poor man's bane Is a third-class train, With the daylight all about hirrh The rich man goes out yachting, Where sanctity can't pursue him 'j^ The poor goes afloat In a fourpenny boat, ~* Where the bishop groans to view him. /V THOMAS LOVE PEACOCK. Jenx d' Esprit. HORACE SMITH having declared on one occa- sion that Brougham was the greatest man in England, his assertion was warmly/X contested. Upon this he loudly exclaimed, "Where is there a greater?" "Here," said the punch-mixing Theodore Hook, with a look of exquisite simplicity, at the same time holding up a nutmeg-grater. SrefBl EWITZER, the actor and way. was joking taMJI and laughing at rehearsal one day, instead of minding the business of the scene. Raymond, the stage-manager, took him to task, saying, " Come, Mr. Wewitzer, I wish you would pay a little attention." "Well, sir,'/ answered Wewitzer, " so I am ; I'm paying as little attention as I can." IYDNEY SMITH, writing to Lady Carlisle during his last illness, says " If you hear of sixteen or eighteen pounds of human flesh, they belong to me. I look as if a curate had been taken out of me." Jeux d' Esprit. 31 A TERRIBLE INFANT. RECOLLECT a nurse called Ann, Who carried me about the grassy "* And one fine day a fine young man Came up and kiss'd the pretty lass. She did not make the least objection ! Thinks I, Aha ! V When I can talk I'll tell And that's my earliest recollection. FREDERICK LOCKER. |HEN Moore's " Lalla Rookh " appeared Lady Holland said to him : " Mr. Moore, don't intend to read your Larry CfRourke I don't like Irish stories." |parai| VERY ug^lv old barrister, arguing a point of |lft&XJ| practice before Plunket, claimed to be ; received as an authority. " I am a pretty old practitioner, my lord." "An old practitioner. Mr. b J*wasPlunket's correction. 32 7* d' Esprit. '"(The following rigmarole of quaint comparisons is extracted from Thomas Hood's Tale of a Trumpet. The poem is too long to be inserted \ here in toto.} v T |||d F all old women hard of hearing, Baajl The deafest, sure, was Dame Eleanor <* Spearing ! On her head, it is true, I J Two flaps there grew,_ \ | That served for_a_pjyjL of_JIpld rings to go throm But, for any purpose of ears in a parley, They heard no more than ears of barley. No hint was needed from D. E. F., You saw in her face that the woman was deaf>T" Erom her twisted mouth to her eyes so ^*~ Each queer feature asb6d a query ;' ^^ A look that said, inX-fsilent way, ll~ft " Who ? and Whgt? and Ho^r ? and Eh ? I'd give my ea/s to know what you say ! " And well she might for each auricular Was deaf as a post and that post in particular That stands at the corner of Dyott Street And never hears a word of a row ! rw | And as deaf as twenty similes more, \ f\ ^ Including the adder, that deafest of snakes, I \ hich never hears the coil it makes. She was deaf as a house which modern tricks ^ \^ Of language would call as dcafasbricks. For her all Her drum, indeed, was so muffled a drum . ^ ^ . That none could get a sound to come, II Unless the Devil who had Two Sticks ! 'I J ^^ ^ D A j ' ', <\r s v 34 Jeux d' Esprit. She was deaf as a stone say flflf flf ^ff trtifln?" Demosthenes suck'd to improve his tones ; And surely deafness no further could reach Than to be in his mouth without hearing his speech ! She was dfiafasajjyt for nuts, no doubt, AjTfi ds^J^Qatllfi S^ub that's holl^^rigf out^ As deaf, alas ! as the dead and forgotten (Gray has noticed the waste of breath X" In addressing the " duIL^oJd^g^of death) " Or_the felon's ear that was stuffed with Cotton ; Or Charles the First in statue qtw ; Or the still-born figures of Madame Tussaud, With their eyes of glass and their hair of flax, That only stare, whatever you " ax," For their ears, you know, are fiofSmg but wax. She was deaf as the ducks that swam in the pond ^^And would not listen to Mrs. Bond As deaf as any Frenchman appears N\. When he puts Jiis shoulders into his ears \\ And whatever the citizen tells his son As deaf as Gog and Magog at one ; Or, still to be a simile-seeker ^^ As deaf as dog's-ears to Enfield's " Speaker " ! _ Jeux d' Esprit. 35 She was deaf as any tradesman's Or Pharaoh's mother's mother's mummy L Whose organs, for fear of our modern sceptics, Were plugg'd with gums and antiseptics. f She was deaf as a nail that vou_c^JinQt-hajiii]ir f A meaning into for all your clamour ; There never was such a deaf old Gammer ! Deaf to sounds as a .ship out of ^soundings, Deaf^ojjerjjg and all their compoundingSj Adjective, noun, and adverb, and particle, Deaf to even the definite article. ** No verbal message was worth a pin,-- Though you hired an earwigtQ_carrv,it-in. In short, she was twice as deaf as Deaf Burke, *** Or all the deafness in "Who, in spite of his skill in hardness of heari Boring. blafitiT)gr. an To give the dunny organ a hearing, Could never have cured Dame Eleanor Si 36 74 d'Esprit. SUPPOSE the othefc gentlemen as sleeps \ here are gentlemen^' said Sam. "Nothing \ but," replied Roker ; "one on 'em takes I his twelve pints of ale a day, and never leaves I off smoking, even at his meals." Pickwick. I ' Ita'Atl HE following epigrams were exchanged be- IIJJIII tween James Smith and Sir George Stewart Rose, on the subject of Craven Street, Strand, where the former was then residing : James Smith. At the top of my street the attorneys abound^ And down at the bottom the barges are Fly, honesty ! fly to some safer retreat, For there's craft in the river and craft in the street. Sir George Rose. Why should honesty fly to some safer retreat, S From attorneys and barges ? odd rot 'em ! ^ Eor the lawyers are just at the top of the street, And the barges are just at the bottom. Jeux d' Esprit. 37 T a dinner party in Paris, a dull and German baron, finding himself seated between Madame de Stael and Madame Recamier (the belle of the day), whispered to the former, " Am I not fortunate to be thus placed between beauty and talent ? " " Not so very fortunate." replied the offended authoress. " since you possess neither one nor the other ! ")*f ilHAT anchorites observes Theodore Hook we all became in England when our stomachs were literally turned by the of the cholera. Esculent vegetables were pro- nounced uneatable even the tailors forswore cab bage ; people looked black upon green peas, and eschewed with horror the salads they once ch with pleasure. As to fruits, it was fruitless to put them on the table : the dessert was deserted ; every apple was a forbidden one ; currants were no longer current ; it was dangerous to pare a pear, and more so to pine for pine. Some forsook their French wines, and took tcr port as the only safe 38 Jeux d'Esprit. % harbour ; others gave up their spirits at the very moment when they most wanted to keep them and a few paid more than usual attention to their temper, because they had been cautioned against^ everything liable to turn sour. 5ICKEXS describes an arbour as " one of those sweet retreats which humane men erect for the accommodation of spiders." | HE English are a calm, reflecting people ; I they will give time and money when they are convinced ; but they lovejates, nam and certificates. In the_ midst of the most heart- rending narratives. Bull requires the day of the month, the year of our Lord, the nameoTTlle pafl'sk. and the countersign of three or four rer spectable householders. After these affecting^ circumstances he can no longer hold out, but gives way to the kindness of his nature puffs, blubbers, and subscribes.. fV SYDNEY SMITH. f\ Jeux d' Esprit. 39 |ORD ELLENBOROUGH once had the very well- Hunt before him, who, in mitigation of some expected sentence, spoke of some one who "complained of his dangerous eloquence^ "JhfiJL do you great injustice, sir, 11 said the considerate and merciful Chief-Justice, to relieve him from all anxiety on the point. IT a subscription of the French Academy for some charitable object, the collector, by * mistake, made a second application to a< member noted for stinginess. " I have already .. paid," sharply said the latter. " I beg your pardon," | I replied the applicant, " I have no doubt you did ;| / I believe it, though I did not see it." " And I it and do not believe it," whispered Voltaire. IHEODORE HOOK was asked how it came about that all our best poets were driven to the necessity of writing prose. " Because poetry is prose-scribed," was his answer. 4O Jeux d' Esprit. LAMENT FOR THE DECLINE OF CHIVALRY. |kf'M|ELL hast thou cried, departed Burke, ItMllI All chivalrous, romantic work Is ended now and past ! That iron age, which some have thought Of mettle rather overwrought, Is now all overcast. Ay where are those heroic knights Of old those armadillo wights Who wore the placed vest ? Great Charlemagne and all his peers r Are cold enjoying with their spears^^ An everlasting rest. The bold King Arthur sleepeth sound ; So sleep his knights who gave the Round Old Table such eclat. Oh, Time has plucked the plumy brow, And none engage at tourneys now But those that go to law. i s quite gOHC by, And Guy is nothing but a guy, Orlando lies forlorn. /^^' No Percy branch now perseveres Like those of old in breaking spears The name is now a lie ! ^ Surgeons alone, by any chance, ( Are all that ever couch a lance To couch a body's eye. \ Alas ! for Lion-Hearted Dick That cut the Moslems to the quick ; r His weapon lies in peace. Oh, it would warm them in a trice, If they could only have a spice Of his old mace in Greece ! The famed Rinaldo lies a-cold, And Tancred, too, and Godfrey bold, TnaTscaled the holy Walt! 42 Jeux d' Esprit. I No Saracen meets Paladin We hear of no great Salad But only grow the small. Our Cressys, too, have dwindled since To penny things at our Black Prince Historic pens would scoff. The only one we moderns had Was nothing but a Sandwich l And measles took him off. Where are those old and feudal clans Their pikes, and bills, ^Their hauberjjjgp- j erkingj buffsj A battle was a battle then, A breathing piece of work ; but men ^") AAV ur\f*r niififa The j:u t rj[ 1 a r ^a.xe is out of date ; The good old cross-bow bends__to__Eflt 'Tis gone, the archer's craft ! No tough antLbends the springing vew. And jolly draymen ride, in lieu Of Death, uponjbhe shafj.^ Jeux d' Esprit. 43 The spear, the gallant tilter's pride The rusty spear is laid, .aside ; Oh, spits now domineer \s^* The coat of mail is left alone ; And where is all chain-armour gone ? Go, ask at Brighton Pier. We fight in ropes, and not in Bestowing handcuffs with our A low and vulgar art ! No mounted man is overthrown ; it is a thing unknown, Excet uon a cart. Methinks I see the bounding barb, Clad like his chief in steely ^arb. For warding steel's appliance Methinks I hear the trumpet stir ! Tis but the guard to Exeter ^ That bugles the " Defiance " ! In cavils when will cavaliers Set ringing helmets by the ears And scatter K 44 Jeux d' Esprit. Or blood if they are in the vein ? That tap will never run again Alas ! the casque is out ! No iron-crackling now is scored By dint of battle-axe or sword, To find a vital place : Though certain doctors still pretend, Awhile, before they kill a friend, To labour through his case. Farewell, then, ancient men of might ! Crusader, errant-squire and knight ! Our coats and customs soften. To rise would only make you weep Sleep on, in rusty iron sleep, As in a safety coffin! THOMAS HOOD. [jTg|a|OOTE, being annoyed one day by an |H.Bjp8| itinerant fidc^l^, who groaned harsh dis- cords under his window, threw him down sixpence and bade him begone, as one sc/aper at a door was quite sufficient. Jeux d' Esprit. 45 EPIGRAM. 1O Flavia's shrine two suitors run And woo the fair at once ; ^^, A needy fortune-hunter one, And one a wealthy dunce. ^^"^ How, thus twin-courted, she'll behave Depends upon this rule JT she's a fool she'll wed the knav.e. And if a knave the fool. JAMES SMITH. iCTal HE younger Dumas perpetrated a cruel joke ISg.fctJI against the Manzajjaj^s^ the rivulet that runs through Madndand is called a river by the ^grandiloquent inhabitants thereof. The famous dramatist was one day present at a bull- fight, when either the heat of the climate, or som revolting incident in the show, overcame him to such an extent that he fainted. On somebody coming up with a glass of water, just at the moment of his recovery, Dumas declined it, mur- muring, " Go and pour it into the Manzanares ; the river needs it much more than I ! " / 46 Jeux d' Esprit. I'M VERY FOND OF WATER. A NEW TEMPERANCE SONG. |'M very fond of water, I drink it noon and night ; Not_Rechab'sj5on or daughter Had therein more delight. I breakfast on it daily ; And nectar it doth seem When once I've mixed it gai With sugar and with cream. But I forgot to mention That in it first I see, Infused or in suspension, j f yL^ T Good Mocha or Bohea. CHORUS. Pm very fond of water, I drink it noon and night; No mothers son or daughter Hath therein more delight. Jeux d' Esprit. 47 At luncheon, too, I drink it, And strength it seems to bring : When really good I think it A liquor for a king. But I forgot to mention "Pis best to be sincere I use an old ^^^ 11 T- JT' _That makes it into beer. Fm very fond of water, etc. I drink it, too, at dinner ; I quaff it full and free, And find, as I'm a sinner, It does not disagree. But I forgot to mention As thus I drink and dine, To obviate distention, I join some sherry wine./^ Fm very fond of water, etc. And then, when dinner's over, And business far away, I feel myself in clover, And sip my eau sucre"e. 48 Jeux d' Esprit. But I forgot to mention To give the glass a smack, I add, with due attention, Glenlivat or Cognac. Fm very fond of water, etc. At last, when evening closes, With something nice to eat, The best of sleeping doses In water still I meet. But I forgot to mention I think it not a sin To cheer the day's declension By pouring in some gin. I'm very fond of ^vater : It ever must delight Each motJiers son or daughter, WJien qualified aright. LORD NEAVES. |N a dispute between Sir Watkin Lewis and John Wilkes, the former said, " I'll be your butt no longer." " With all nay heart," answered Wilkes ; " I hate an empty on/" Jeux d' Esprit. 49 ON A PICTURE OF HERO AND LEANDER. j]HY, lover, why Such a water-rover ? Would she love thee more For coming half seas over ? Why, lady, why So in love with dipping ? Must a lad of Greece >^ Come all over dripping -r Why, Cupid, why Make the passage brighter^ Were not any boat ^^ Better than a lighter ? Why, maiden, why So intrusive standing ? Must thou be on the stair I When he is on the landing THOMAS HOOD. | HE Duchesse du Maine said to Madame d Stael : " I am very fond of conversation everybody listens to me, and 1 listen to nobody/' r E 50 Jeux d' Esprit. SONNET. THE POET EXPRESSES HIS FEELINGS RESPECTING A PORTRAIT IN DELIA'S PARLOUR. WOULD I were that Reverend Gentleman With gold-laced hat and golden-headed^" cane Who hangs in Delia's parlour ! For, whene'er From book or needlework her looks arise, On him converge the sunbeams of her And he unblamed may gaze upon my fair, And oft my fair his favour'd form surveys. Oh happy picture ! still on her to gaze ! I envy him ; and jealous fear alarm^^** Lest the strong glance of those divinest charms Warm him to life, as in the ancient days, When marble melted in Pygmalion's arms. I would I were that Reverend Gentleman V With gold-laced hat and golden-headed cane, v ROBERT SOUTHEY. (Written in satire of Mr. Merry and the Delia CruscansT)" "" Jeux d' Esprit. 51 ON TWO GUNMAKERS. | wo of a trade can ne'er agree Each worries each if able ; In Manton and in Egg we see That proverb proved a fable. Each deals in guns, whose loud report Proclaims the fact I'm broaching ; Manton's are made for lawful sport, And Eg"g"'s are best for poaching*. JAMES SMITH. EARING that Mr. Calvert, ambitious of Par- liamentary distinction, was gqin^ f^ /^n^pec _the Borough, James Smith exclaimeo^Tr ( am very glad to hear it ; I got wet through yes- / terday between Guy's Hospital and Tooley Street." jOMEBODY told Lady Morgan that a certain bishop was so lax in Church observances, that " li^_ woii|d_, e^Lt &.,.li Qf ' se on Agh- Weclncsday." " Of course he would," said the lady, " if it was a fast horse\f _^~ " \^ I fl ~X Sir Astley has my heart. {] Don't go to weep upon my grave ! . . And think that there I be ; Ly j They haven't left an atom there f >/~ r*+* Of mv anatomic. ^ \ V Q |_ P* ^ * """THOMAS HOOD. | HEY say that knowledge is power. I used to think so ; butJLnow know that they meanA tf ^monev : and when Socrates declared all he knew was that he knew nothing, he merely intended to declare that he had not a drachma in|| the Athenian world. BYRON'S LETTERS. BEAUTIFUL woman, who wore on her x bosom a miniature of her husband, a ver^r ugly man, asked Thomas Moore what he thought of it. " I think," said he, " that it is like the Saracen's Heady&n Snow Hill." Jeux d' Esprit. 61 TO MR. HODGSON. FROM ON BOARD THE LISBON PACKET. [5WB| UZZA ! Hodgson, we are going; JB.j.B| Our embargo's off at last. Favourable breezes blowing Bend the canvas o'er the ma c t^ From aloft the signal's streaming ; Hark ! the farewell gun is fired. Sailors swearing, women screaming^**** Tell us that our time's expired. Here's a rascal Come to task all, Prying from the custom-hous.pr Trunks unpacking, Cases cracking ; Not a corner for a mouse 'Scapes unsearched amid the racket, |||| Ere we sail on board the packet. Now our boatmen quit their mooring, And all hands must ply the oar. Baggage from the quay is low'ring : We're impatient push from shore ! 62 Jeux d 'Esprit. " Have a care that case holds liquor." " Stop the boat I'm sick oh Lord ! " " Sick, ma'am ? hang it, you'll be sicker Ere you've been an hour on board ! " Thus are screaming Men and women, Gemmen, ladies, servants, Jacks ; Here entangling All are wrangling, Stuck together close as wax. Such the general noise and racket Ere we reach the Lisbon packet. Now we've reach'd her lo ! the captain Gallant Kidd, commands the crew. Passengers their berths are clapt in Some to grumble, some to spew. " Heyday ! Call you that a cabin ? Why, 'tis hardly three feet square ; Not enough to stow Queen Mab in Who the deuce can harbour there ? " "Who, sir? Plenty. Nobles twenty Did at once my vessel fill." " Did they ? Bacchus, Jeux d' Esprit. 63 How you pack us ! Would to heav'n they did so still ! Then I'd 'scape the heat and racket Of the good ship, Lisbon packet. " Fletcher ! Murray ! Bob ! where are you ? Stretched along the deck like logs. Bear a hand, you jolly tar, you ! Here's a rope's end for the dogs." Hobhouse, muttering fearful curses, As the hatchway down he rolls, Now his breakfast, now his verses, Vomits forth, and d ns our souls. " Here's a stanza On Braganza Help ! " "A couplet ? " " No, a cup Of warm water." " What's the matter ? " " Zounds ! my liver's coming up. I shall not survive the racket Of this brutal Lisbon packet ! " Now at length we're off for Turkey ; Lord knows when we shall come back. 64 Jeitx d' Esprit. Breezes foul and tempests murky May unship us in a crack. But, since Life at most a jest is, As philosophers allow Still to laugh by far the best is ; Then laugh on as I do now. * "'jrh "*" "" 4-t "' " ^- j 1 Cr yiol1 4-VllfifTO Sick or well at spa or While we're quaffing Let's have laughing ; Who the devil cares for more ? Some good wine ! and who would lack it, Ev'n on board the Lisbon packet ? LORD BYRON. gambler, AJOR BRERETON, a notorious gafrnbler, one ~~day met Foote, who accosted him with, been going on of late ? " " I have had a great j , misfortune," replied the major ; " I have lost Mrs. ff Brereton." " How did vou lose her?" was the ' next question ; " a hazard, < quince ?" Jeux d 'Esprit. 65 IQNTENELLE being at the opera, when a hundred years old, an Englishman entered his box, and said, "I have come express from London in order to see the author of Thetis and Peleusr "Sir f " replied Fontenelle. "you can-jT not say that I have not given you plenty of time." fV ipgprajl LADY wrote to Talleyrand, informing him [Baaffi of her husband's death. She received the following reply : "Jftlas! " Madame, votre affectionne", etc., "^ALLEYRAND." . In less than a year she again wrote announcing x^ that she had married a second time. The answer ran thus : " Ohjip ! " Madame, votre affectionne, etc., ^ " TALLEYRAND." ^ j ATJ f F.VRA?srn described a pre^t m^taplrvsiqif as a man who excelled in writing with bl^( ink on a blackjiEQimd. V 66 Jeux d' Esprit. RECEIPT FOR A WINTER SALAD. | wo large potatoes passed through kitchen sieve Unwonted softness to the salad givfix*"* Of mordant mustard add a single spoon ; Distrust the condiment which bites so soon. But deem it not, thou man of herbs, a fault To add a double quantity of salt. Three times the spoon with oil of Lucca crown^' And once with vinegar procured from town^ True flavour needs it, and your poet begs The pounded yellow of two well-boiled eggs^= Let onion atoms lurk within the bowl,^,^ And, scarce suspected, animate the whnle. And, lastly, on the flavoured compound toss /" A magic teaspoon of anchovy sauce. Then, though green turtle fail, though venison's tough, And ham arid turkey are not boiled enough, Serenely full the epicure may say,/ . " Fate cannot harm me I have dined to-day.'' j\ 3VUMV 1 SMITH. Jeux d* Esprit. 67 (The following invention of Charles Lamb's concerning Coleridge is told with irresistible drollery : ) WAS going," he says, "from my house at' Enfield to the India House_one_jnorning, when I met Coleridge on his way to pay me a visit. He was brimful of some new idea, and in spite of my telling him that time was precious" he drew me within the door of an unoccupied garden by the roadside, and there sheltered from observation by a hedge of evergreens he took me by the button of my coat and, closing his eyes, commenced an eloquent discourse, waving his right hand gently as the musical words flowed in an unbroken stream from his lips. I listened en- tranced ; but the striking of a church clock recalle me to a sense of duty. I saw it was of no use to attempt to break away; so, taking advantage of his absorption in his subject, and with my pen- knife quietly severing the button from my coat, I decamped. Five hours afterwards, in passing the same garden on my way home, I heard Coleridge's voice, and, on looking in, there he was, with closed ^ i 68 Jeux d* Esprit. eyes, the button in his fingers, and the right hand gracefully waving just as when I left him. He had/ never missed me." N actor named JMest one evening took a benefit at one of the principal London theatres. Somebody came into the Gar- rick Club and stated that there were a good many men in the pit. " Probably itlerks who have taken! Priest's orders," said John 1/oole. V \ [ORD BROUGHAM defined ajawjer as "a/legal gentleman who rescues your estate/ frorn enemies and keeps it himself." GENTLEMAN somewhat given to boasting/' of the high company he frequented was , indulging this amiable weakness at his club one evening when Jerrold was present. " Very singular ! " he began. " I dined at the Marchioness^r of So-and-so's last week, and we actually had no fish." " Easily explained," said Jerrold ; "no doubt they had eaten it all upstairs." Jeux d' Esprit. 69 TO MINERVA. (FROM THE GREEK.) ]Y temples throb, my pulses boil ; . I'm sick of song and ode and ballad ;r So, Thyrsis, take the midnight oil And pour it on a lobster-salad. My brain is dull, my sight is foul : I cannot write a verse or read- Then, Pallas, take away thine owl, And let us have a lark instead. THOMAS HOOD. |HEN Piron was living at Beau daily (ieeper^_iiitQ_jiis_frace throupfo Kis I follies and frolics^ a friend met him just outside the town one morning, carefully beheading^***' with his cane all the thistles that came in his way. Being asked what he was about, he answered, " I ff ajiLJit war with the inhabitants of this place, and \\ am cutting off their provisions." " market with his handkerchief half ovftr ,of his pocket when somebody hinted, . " You'rf lose your handkerchief, sir." "jJot if yoij \f ," retorted George ungratefully. PARR one day, in th"heat of argument P.BJJ called a brother clergyman a fool. The latter threatened that he would report the matter to his bishop. "Do," said the doctor, "and, the \/ bishop will couffirm you." 72 Jeuxd'Espi A \ N FAITHLESS SALLY BROWN. AN OLD BALLAD. [S^PjloUNG BEN he was a nice young man, lyUyl A carpenter by trade ; And he fell in love with Sally Brown, That was a lady's maid. But as they fetched a walk one dav. They met a press-gang crew ; And Sally she did faint away, y***' Whilst Ben he was brought to. The boatswain swore with wicked_words, Enough to shock a saint, That, though she did seem in a fit, 'Twas nothing but a feint. " Come, girl," said he, " hold up your head, He'll be as good as me ; For when your swain is in our boat A boatswain he will be." So when they'd made their game of her And taken off her elf, She roused, and found she only was A-coming to herself. J.4ux cT Esprit. 73 " And is he gone, and is he gone ? " -^ ^. She cried, and wept outright : yt** * "Then I will to the waterside f. ^ ^ ~* __Aj2J ftfP Vn'm r>iif r.f giglif " ^^ A waterman came up to her : If**** N " / * N ' *" "Now, young woman," said he, ^A ^'-j^ \ " If you weep on so, you will makei^ Eye-water in the sea." O ** Alas ! They've taken my beau Beu T^call ^i^ ^1^ P~U~... And her woe began to run afresh, As if she'd said, gee woe ! .^ * r Says he, " They've only taken him To the tender ship, you see." ' " ,.}^/ ^^ " The tender ! " cried poor Sally Brown, " What a hardship that must be. " Oh ! would I were a mermaid now, For then I'd follow him : But I am not a fish-woman, And so I cannot swim. 74 Jeux d' Esprit. " Alas ! I was not born beneath S The Virgin and the Scales ; So I must curse my cruel stars, And walk about in Wales." ll / Now Ben had sailed to many a place thfi:.iKorld ; at in two years the ship came home, all the sails were furl'd. But when he called on Sally Brown, 1*o see how she went on, He !found she'd got another Ben Whose Christian name was John V^ . \\ A ,- )jv, Sally Brown, oh, Sally Brown, .How could you serve me so ! a breeze before, a blow." Then, reading on his 'bacco-box, He heaved a bitter sigh : And then began to eye his pipe, An^ then to pipe his eye. Jeux d* Esprit. 75 And then he tried to sing " All's well," But couldn't, though he tried ; ^His head was turned, and so he chewed His pip-fail till ]-;e Hied. His death, which happened in his berth, A4 forty odd befell ^^ JThey went and told the sexton, and. The sexton toll'd the bell. THOMAS HOOD brainless acquaintance of Rivarol's [B do ; he don't care for twist) to Honr l ' g r 1 '"' g quondam master, and he'll take him in at any time. You may mention your suspicion or not, as you li or as you think it may wound or not Mr. H.'s feelings. Hood, I know, will wink at a few follies in Dash, in consideration of his former sense. Besides, Hood is deaf ; and, if you hinted, anything, ten to one he would not Hear you. Besides, you will have discharged your conscience, jtnd lajd the child at the right door, as they say."\y Jeux d' Esprit. 79 THE COLUBRIAD. I LOSE by the threshold of a door nailed fast Three kittens sat ; each kitten looked aghast. I, passing swift and inattentive by, At the three kittens cast a careless eye ; Not much concern'd to know what they did there, Not deeming kittens worth a poet's care. But presently a loud and furious hiss Caused me to stop and to exclaim, " What's this ? " When lo ! upon the threshold met my view, With head erect and eyes of fiery hue, A viper long as Count de Grasse's Forth from his head his forked tongue he throws, Darting it full against a kitten's nose ; Who, never having seen in field or house The like, sat still and silent as a mouse ]){ Only projecting with attention due Her whiskered face, she asked him, "Who are you ? " . On to the hall went I, with pace not slow, ' But swift as lightning, for a long Dutch hoe - With which well-armed I hastened to the spot To find the viper, but I found him not ; 8o Jeux d' Esprit. And, turning up the leaves and shrubs around, Found only that he was not to be found. But still the kittens, sitting as before, Sat watching close the bottom of the door.j)^ " I hope," said I, " the villain I would kill Has slipt between the door and the door-sill ; And, if I make despatch and follow hard, No doubt but I shall find him in the yard." For long 'ere now it should have been rehearsed 'Twas in the garden that I found him fir-fc^i E'en there I found him, there the full-grown cat His head with velvet paw did gently pat ^f As curious as the kittens erst had been To learn what this phenomenon might mean. j Fill'd with heroic ard,our at the sight, And fearing ev'ry moment he would bite And rob our household of our only cat That was of age to combat with a rat With outstretched hoe I slew him at the door, And taught him never to come there no more. WILLIAM COWPER. \ T is the belief of the benevolent that even the deviTmay be jainted in shadow. \jf bouGLAS JERROLD. Jeux d' Esprit. 8r EPIGRAM. |HAT makes you think the world is round ? Give me a reason fair ! " ^Because so very few are found \Y\Vho act upon trie square." V "" """ T. DIBDIN. T requires a surgical operation to get a j well into a Scotch understanding. Their only idea of wit, or rather that inferior variety of the electrifi talpnfr wVnVh pr fY ails occa- sionally in the JNprth.and which, under the name of Wuf.is so infinitely distressing to people of good taste, is laughing immoderately at stated intervals. X X They are so imbued with metaphysics that they even make love metaphysically. I overheard a young lady of my acquaintance, at a dance in Edinburgh, exclaim, in a sudden pause of the * music, "What you say, my lord, is very true ofir love in the aibstract, but " Here the fiddlers began fiddling furiously, and the rest was lost. SYDNEY SMITH. G 82 yV^g k/*avy anH downstrokes light ; but he did it in English round T hand, and, we used to think, with a very hard pen. Such was his love for flogging that for some failure in English com- position, after Vjng well corrected. I have been rdered to be revised. I have heard of a road to learning, and he did justice to it ; we certainly never went a stage in education without being>^ The mantle of Dr. Busby descended on his shoulders and on ours. JThere was but one tree in the playground a bffch ; but it never had a twig or leaf upon it. Spring or summer, itj always looked as bare as if the weather had been cutting at the latter end of the year. Pictures, they say, are incentives to learning ; and certainly we never got through a page without cuts. For instance, T ^J2-D^^ ^^ll ^ ^ T ati" article without a tftil-pierp All the Latin at that school might be comprised in one line "Anna virumque cano" Jeux d' Esprit. 87 An arm, a. man, and a rane In one word, he 2*. was disinterestedly cruel, and used to strike- as industriously lor nothing afe other workmen strike for wages. Some of the elder boys, who had read Smollett, christened him Roderick, from his often x X X hitting like Random and being so partial tn THOMAS HOOD. |HEN Sheridan's connection with Drury Lane Theatre came to an end, Mr. Whitbread assumed the management thereof, and wiglded the sceptre somewhat despotically. Sheri- dan foretold the future of the house in the following prophetic strain : " The noodles and the doodles^ will have their day, until some amorous tom-cat shall pour forth his tender strains in the deserted gallery to his lady-love kitteningjn the pit." \ jHOMAS HOOD thus addresses a one-legged sailor : Methinks, thou Naval History in one vol., A virtue shines e'en in that timber leg :* For r unlike others who desert their Poll, Thou walkest ever with thy " Constant Peg." Jeux d' Esprit. . \y GENTLEMAN praising the personal charms of a very plain lady before Foote, the latter said, " Why don't you lay claim to such accomplished beauty ? " " What right have I to her ? " was the counter-question. " Every right," replied Foote, " by the law of all nations as the first LADY newly arrived in Paris asked Fonte- nelle, "What is that 'Academic chair' that I have so often heard of ? " He replied, " It is ail easy couch for clever men to go ^ to sleep on."~^ I HE Scvthians always ate their grandfathers. They behaved very tv> g p^|f.,11j r f n thi f _p long- tim^ j Kiif as soon as their grand- fathers became old and troublesome and bega _stories. they immediately ate them Nothing could be more improper and even dis- respectful than dining off such near and venerable * relations, yet we could not with any propriety /^ accuse them of bad taste in rrjorals. SYDNEY SMITH. L. Jeux d' Esprit, 89 "PLEASE TO RING THE BELLE!" 'LL tell you a story that's not in Tom Moore : Young Love likes to knock at a pretty girl's door, o he called upon Lucy 'twas just ten o'clock ,ike a g r r 11ff ci'norU min w.'fti i ^ i^ I Jcnock^ Now a handmaid, whatever her ringers be at, Will run like a puss when she hears a ra^at So Lucy ran up, and in two seconds more Had questioned the stranger and answered door. The meeting was bliss f but the parting was woe : jFor the moment will come when such comers must So she kiss'd him and whispered poor innocent thing " The next time you come, love, pray come with a ring." THOMAS HOOD. 9O Jeux d 'Esprit. '^555?' ARRICK was present when Woodward first played Sir John Brute in the " Provoked A" tew" flays" afterwards Woodward****^ asked him how he had liked it, adding, " I think I struck out some beauties in it." " I think," said Garrick, "that you struck out all the beauties* I in it" / knoj^thecojnjnjjn^gjorvrunsthat^yijure has pecuh'ar visages for poets We do not believe it. We have seen a slack-wire with the face of a great pious bard a iisurer with bad money very like a rf fl y-ro|fr^c - a paSSCT pf and a. carcass-butcher aj: Whitechapel so resemb- Naooleon that Prince Tallevrand r suddenly^ beholding him, burst into tears at the similitude. DOUGLAS JERROLD. |UIN, the actor, on first seeing Westminster Bridge, ejaculated, "Oh, that\jfr mouth were the centre arch and that the river ran claret ! " n Jcnx d' Esprit. 91 A REFLECTION. | HEX Eve upon the first of men The apple press'd with specious cant, Oh, what a thousand pities then That Adam was not Adamant ! THOMAS HOOD. ORD CHESTERFIELD, hearing that a man of low family had married the daughter of a lady not renowned for her morality, remarked that ^nobody's son had married everybody's X^ ^V daughter." I HOMAS HILL (the original of Poole's im- ^ S< mortal "PauLPrv ") was endeavouring one evening to cut up an orange in sucha fashion as to represent a pig. After strewing the table with about a dozen peels, he gave up the futile experiment, saying, "Hang the pig! I can't make him at all." "Nonsense, Hill," said Theodore Hook, pointing to the table ; " you have done splendidly. Instead of a pig; YOU I have made a litter." 92 Jeux d' Esprit. EPIGRAM. IHOUGHTLESS that "all that's brightest fades;" Unmindful of that knave of spades, The sexton and his subs ; How foolishly we play our parts ! Ourvives on diamonds set their DNEY SMITH. iVord OOTE, on his return from dining with a tord of the Admiralty, was met by a friend who asked how he had enjoyed himself. - "Very indifferently," grumbled he ; " bad companj^ and a worse dinner." Said the other, " I wonder at that, for I thought the admiral was a jolly good fellow." "As to that," answered Foote, "he may be a very good sea-lord, but I am sure he is a very ad landlord." On another day, coming from the same noble- man's table, he cried, " Worse and worse ! Every- thing upon the table sour, except the vinegar ^ and that was sweet." Jeux d' Esprit. 93 |p=iS]RANK TALFOURD, who rejoiced in a stature li^al of six feet and a couple of inches, w playfully challenged at the Savage Club one evening to raise his foot as high as the^ chandelier in the middle of the room. Lifting one of his extremities with rather too much vigour, he detached one of the glass globes, which fell to the ground and was smashed to atoms. Frank rang the bell instantly, and inquired of the responding waiter what was the amount of his bill. " Pray, sir, what have you taken ? " " Oh ! " said Talfourd, pointing up to the bereaved chandelier, "only a. rlass of that" |HEN Fontenelle was dying, his doctor asked, " Do you suffer ? " " No," said the philo- sopher, " I only feel some difficulty Jn^ existing." HEN somebody was praising Archibald Hamil- ton as a well-read man, Foote said that he could not see much of that about him, adding, " I grant you, he reads ^ ^^ proofsJjut those are no proofs of his reading." \ 94 Jeux d 'Esprit. [HERE is nothing more characteristic than shakes of the hand. I have classified them. There is me high official the body k, wifaw^*fll^^* ]L erect, and a rapid short shake near the chin. There is the mortmain the flat hand introduced into V^your palm, and hardly conscious of its contiguity. The. digital one finger held_qut, much used by t hih clergy. rgy. There is the shakus rusticus when . " your hand is seized in an iron grasp, betokening ' | rude health, warm heart, and distance from the ^ /-v t metropoITs'Ljjut producing a strong sense of relief on your part when you find your hand released! and your fingers unbroken. The next to this isf the retentive shake one which, beginning with vigour, pauses, as it were, to take breath, but \ out relinquishing its prey, and, before you a aware, begins again, till you feel anxious as to tl result, and have no shake left in you. SYDNEY SMITH. FRIEND visiting Fontenelle one day, found him in a very bad humour, and asked him what was the matter. " The matter ? " said Fontenelle ; " why, though I have only one servant. I am as badly waited on as if I had twenty." I 'eux d' Esprit. 95 |RS. WOFFINGTON, on her return from Bath, was telling Quin how much she had been pleased with the place, and how much good it had been doing her. "And pray, madam," he inquired, " what made you go to Bath ? " " Mere .wantonness," was the reply. "And pray, madam, did it cure you ? " JHEN Lord George Gordon asked Selwyn to choose him again for Ludgershall (where the latter's property lay),' ne replied that the electors would not have him. " Oh, yes ; i you recommended me they would have me, if came from the coast of Africa." " That is accord- ing to what part of the coast you came from. They certainly would if you came from the Guinea coast." It I YOUNG poet came to Piron to read him a couple of newly written sonnets from his own pen, and ask him which he preferred. The moment the reading of the, first was ended, Piron said hastily, " I prefer tively refused to listen to a line of it. n which he preferred. ' the/ first was ended, f I thye other," and posi- 1 j le of it. 9 6 Jeux d' Esprit. IOUGLAS JERROLD says, " Truth is like gold a really wise man makes a little of it go Tong way." [jrgs||HYSlCAL Force. Moral Force, and the Po\k*r illilyl Force are_all very powerful things ; and so Ts the Force of Habit.^ It killed a young gentleman last week at Spring'Vale Academy. He was the only boy left at school in the holidays : I and, the very first walk he took, he split himself, J poor fellow ! in trying to walk two and two. THOMAS HOOD. ''I F >6nce a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of rob^f* bing : and from robbing he comes next_to drinking^thd Sabbath-breaking, and from v that to incivility and procrastination. Once begin Upon | this downwarc^K;in7^ou"TieveF know where you I are to stop. Many a man has dated his ruin from some murder nr nrnpr fhar pprhaps he thnugVif- little oi At the time x DE QUINCEY. - P-, Jeux d' Esprit. 97 ON SIR JOHN BO WRING. [BrcsslO Bowring, man of many tongues, )a!|.aa| (All over tongues, like Rumour,) This tributary verse belongs To paint his learned humour. All kinds of gabs he talks. I wis, From Latin down to Scottish ;^" As fluent as a parrot is, But far more Polly-glottish^ No grammar too abstruse he meets, However dark and verby ; He gossips Greek about the streets And often Russ in Strange tongues, whate'er you do them call ; In short, the man is able To tell you what's o'clock in all / The dial-ects in Babel. Take him on 'Change. Try Portuguese^ The Moorish and the Spanisly^* Polish, Hungarian, Tyrolese, The Swedish and the Danish. H 98 Jeux d' Esprit. Try him with these and fifty such, His skill will ne'er diminish ; Although you should begin in Dutch And end, like me, in Finnish ! "THOMAS HOOD. ON A BAD SINGER. | WANS sing before they die. Twere no bad Should certain persons/Sie before they sing. ^ S. T. COLERIDGE. EPIGRAM. |F Rogers's " Italy" Luttrell relateg That it would have been dished were ,._ not for the plates. JOOTE, being asked at what age he thought female beauty began to decline, answered, "Woman is to be counted like a game at piquet : twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight, Wenty-nine sixty." Jeux d' Esprit. 99 NO! |O sun no moon No morn no noon No dawn no dusk no proper time of day No sky no earthly view No distance looking blue * No road no street no t'other side the way*^- No end to any Row No indications where the Crescents go No top to any steeple No recognitions of familiar people\^ No courtesies for showing 'em No knowing 'em No travelling at all no locomotionX*"^ No inkling of the way no notion No go by land or ocean No mail no post No news from any foreign coast No Park no Ring no afternoon gentility ^* No company no nobility No warmth no cheerfulness no healthful ease No comfortable feel in any member No shade no shine no butterflies nor bees No fruits no flow'rs no leaves no birds No-vember! THOMAS HOOD. /^ I ^sX I HARLES LAMB, in af lette? to his friend Pat- more (then on/a visir to Paris), gives him the following directions : " Do try and g"et some frogs. You must ask fof^ ' grenouilles ' (green e^ls). They don't understand ' frogs,' though it's a common phrase with us. " If you go throjigh Bulloign (Boulogne) inquire I if old Godfrey keying, and Jiow. foe got home from. > must be a very old man now. " If there is anything new in politics or literature in France, keep it till I see you again, for I am in no hurry. Chattey Briant (Chateaubriant) is well, I hope." I! 10MEBODY asked Victor Hugo if he could write English poetry. " Certainly," he replied, and forthwith delivered himself of the following : Pour chasser le spleen J'entrai dans un inn ; O, mais je bus le gin, God save the Queen ! Jeux d' Esprit. 101 \ OOD's novel, " Tylney Hall," is opened by the incident of a traveller arriving at a country inn in a very sickly conditioif; Ultimately he dies there ; but meanwhile the lage doctor has despatched his boy for some ] which are to exercise a wonderfully beneficial effect on the sufferer. The boy, however, lingers to play at marbles, and returns too late, upon which the angry landlady thrashes the culprit soundly, raving all the time against the pernicious practice of " allowing poor gentlemen to go to Heaven with out their pills." IHARITY ? I hate its very name. It is mere shield thrown over hateful people How are we to love those we like properly, if we don't hate the others ? THOMAS HOOD. IHEN Chamfort one of the wittiest beings that ever existed, even in Paris was elected a member of the Academic, Rivarol as witty a being said, " I Us a lily of the valley grafted on a field of poppies." c 102 Jeux d' Esprit. ~^V j|NE day Mr. Rogers took Thomas Moore and Sydney Smith home in his carriage from yr breakfast, and insisted on showing them by ome bbs the way Dryden's house in some bbscurfi It was very wet i Ine house looked veW much other old houses, and, having thin sho^s on, both strongly remonstrated ; but in vain. Rogers got out himself and stood expecting the^n to do likewise ; but Sydney Smith, laughing and Cleaning out of the window, exclaimed, " Oh, you s$ Quin, "you and your play may be d d yC together." |UST beforethejijsl French Revolution, some i aristocrat was insisting, in the presence of I Chamfort, that the nobility must be con- I sidered as the mediator between king and people. " Exactly," suggested Chamfort, "^as^the^Jhiound/ is mediator between hare and huntsman." IP** IN the removal of a distinguished ccfunsel from a house in Red Lion Square, an ironmonger became its occupant, and Erskine wrote the following epigram on the change : " This house, where once a lawyer dwelt, Is now a smith's alas ! How rapidly the iron age Succeeds the age of brass ! " IC4 yeux d' Esprit. FEW LINES ON COMPLETING FORTY-SEVEN. (DOMESTIC DIDACTICS.) | HEN I reflect with serious sense, While years and years run on, How soon I may be summoned hence There's cooka-calling John 4-*"*"^ Our lives are built so frail and poor, On sand and not on rocks ; We're hourly standing at Death's door There's some one double-knocks All human days have settled terms ; Our fates we cannot force. This flesh of mine will feed the worms They've come to lunch, of course.^ \ And, when my body's turned to clay, And dear friends hear my knell, Oh, let them give a sigh and say I hear the upstairs bell !j(* THOMAS HOOD. Jeux d' Esprit. 105 1HEN I began," says Sydney Smith, " to thump the cushion of my pulpit, on first coming to Foston, the ac"ii m 1 1 1 a tff d ri 1 1
( X Und he coom to de panks of de Rhine. Und oop dere rose a meermaid, Und she say, " Oh, Ritter Hugo, Vhere you goes mit yourself alone ?^r And he says, " I rides in de creenwood, Mit helmet und mit shpeer,^*" Till I cooms into em Gasthaus, Und dere I trinks some beer ! Und den outshpoke de maiden Vot hadn't got nodings ' I ton't dink mooch of beoples \ Dat goes mit demselfs alone. ' You'd petter coom down in de wasser Vet-p dere's heaps C|f fjjnn *" c ^ ' Und hafe a shplendid tinner, Und drafel along mit me. Jeux d' Esprit. 107 ' Dere you sees de fisch a-schwimmin Und you catches dem efery So sang dis wasser maiden Vot hadn't got nodingrs on. " Dere ish drunks all full mit money In ships dat vent down of old Und you helpsh yourself, by dunder ! To shimmerm' crowns oi gold. " Shoost look at dese shpoons and vatches Shoost see dese diamant ring Coom down und full your Und I giss you like efery " Vot you vantsh rniTyour schnapps und lager Coom down^rito der Rhine^** Der ish pottles der Kaiser Charlemagne^*^ Vonce-filled mit gold-red wine ! " Dat /etched him he shtood all sh io8 Jeux d' Esprit, JAPOLEON THE THIRD, when an exile in I London, was always a welcome guest of I Lady Blessington's, at Gore House. Very j soon after his return to Paris, while his political ^ prospects were still rather doubtful, her ladyship^^ paid a visit to that capital, and met Napoletffi driving in the Bois de Boulogne. The encounter was embarrassing, for the future Emperor of the 1 French had shown himself anything but grateful I for her ladyship's courtesy. He saluted her, how- ever, with forced politeness, and inquired, "Countess, shall you stay long in Paris ? " " I really cjmnoj; say," answered Lady Blessington, with a bewitch- Tng smile ; " and you ? " I / |E never see a young lady surrounded by eight or ten bachelors take off her gloves and seat herself at the piano but we shudder from an association of ideas ; yes, we instantly think of the infernal machine. Who knows how many men may be killed dead on the spot by the first crash ? DOUGLAS JERROLD. Jeux d' Esprit. 109 [ARON ALDERSON and Lord Campbell differed at a dinner table about the pronunciation of Captain Dalgetty's name in Scott'^*""" " Legend of Montrose." The latter put the accent on the first syllable, on which Alderson remarked, " Lthought that you Scotchmen always foifl the\/ emphasis on get? ^ IURING Theodore Hook's confinement in a sjDongme^liouse after^Jiis^return .Jronx_the Mauritius, he was visited by one of his old and faithful friends. Astonished by the parative spaciousness of the apartment, the latter observed, by way of consolation, " Really, you are not so badly lodged, after all. This is a cheerful room enough!" "Oh yes," returned Theodore, pointing significantly to the iron de- fences outside; "remarkably so windows." JYDNEY SMITH, speaking of his being sham- pooed at Mahomed's baths in said that they " gr T p>p7prl no Jeux d' Esprit. SONG. AIR. " The Days when we went Gipsying." tofoNjH, the days that we got tipsy in a long time Were certainly the j oiliest a man c ever know ! We drank champagne from glasses long, and hock from goblets green, And nothing like a cup of tea was ever to be seen. All night w paggf^ fl|fr wjj|j]fr nor dreamed cfi In the days that we got tipsy in a^ongjime_ago. Oh, those were days of bumper toasts or salt-and water fine, Broiled bones and devil'd biscuits, three times three and nine times nine ! When underneath your table you were bound your guest to land, And no man rose to go till he was sure he could not fifjanfj. "* Tea-totallers we'd none to preach 'gainst brandy or Bordeaux, In the days that we got tipsy in a long time ago. Jeux d' Esprit. 1 1 1 How changed, alas ! the fashion now to booze you've scarce begun, When clatt'ring comes the coffee-tray and all drinking's done ; Or John informs the gentlemen " he's taken upJhe And 'twould be voted vulgar quite if drunk a man should be. A plague upon such sober times I often sigh " Heigho ! For the days that we got tipsy in a long time ago." J. R. PLANCH^. SCURRILOUS author came to ask a favour of FontenelLe, and prefaced the petition by confessing that he had once abused^ him in a pamphlet. For this he was expressing his contrition when Fontenelle interrupted him with, " Make your mind easy, sir ; but for I should never have heard about it." |ORD ERSKINE said, on hearMg of some man who died immensely rich, " begin the other world with." who died immensely rich, " A fine sum to \/ U2 Jeux d' Esprit. ]HEX Lord Eldon and Sir Arthur Pigott each made a stand in court for his favourite pronunciation of the word " lien " Lord Eldon calling the word lion, and Sir Arthur maintaining that it was to be pronounced like with an allusion to the parsimonious tf nf the Thanrpllor's kitchen, per-R ^ petrated thisjeu d' esprit : j" Sir Arthur, Sir Arthur, pray what do you mean J A, By saying the Chancellor's.JiojLJsJeafl ? ^' D'ye think that his kitchen's so bad as all that, That nothing within it can ever get fat ? " Ib'gR'dl GRACE WALPOLE writes of George Selwyn, IliiJII whose penchant for everything connecte)^^ with public executions was notorious : " He came to town t'other dav to have a tooth } drawn, and told the man that he would drop his I """ ' " ' 1 handkerchief for the signal ! " cleWest of ELF-DEFENCE is the cleWrest of all laws ; and for this reason the lawyers didnjt .make DOUGLAS JERROLD. Jeux d' Esprit. 113 JROBABLY the wittiest thing that appeared in the "Anti-Jacobin" was a burlesque on the sentimental German drama, entitled " The Rovers ; or, the Double Arrangement." It is the joint production of George Canning and Frere. The temptation to give some extracts from it is irresistible, At the commencement of the play we behold Matilda, seated in the dining-room of an inn at Weimar. While awaiting dinner she solilo- quizes thus : " Oh Casimere ! How often have the thoughts of thee served to amuse these moments of expectation. What a difference, alas ! Dinner ! It is taken away as soon over, and we regret it not. It returns agai with the return of appetite. The Beef of to-morrow will succeed to the Mutton of day, as the Mutton of to-day succeeded to the Veal of yesterday. But, when once the has been occupied by a beloved object, in v would we attempt to supply the chasm by another. How easily are our desires transferred from dish to dish ! Love only dear, delusive, delightful Love restrains our wandering appetites and confines them to a particular gratification." I H4 Jeux d' Esprit. This chain of thought is interrupted by the entrance of Cecilia, just arrived by post-waggon. After a few sentences, that lady and Matilda be- come convinced that they were made for each other's society : Cec. The way was dusty, madam, but the weather was delightful. It recalled to me those blissfuL^ 1 moments when the rays of desire first vibrated^ 'through my soul. Mat. (aside). Thank Heaven, I have at last found a heart which is in unison with my ow^n": (To Cec.) Yes, I understand you. The first pul- sation of sentiment the silver tones upon the unsounded Harp Cec. The dawn of Life when this blossom (putting her Jiand upon tier heart} first^e^ajided its petals to the penetrating dart of Love ! Mat. Yes ; the time, the golden time, when the first beams of the morning meet and embrace one another ! The_blooming blue upon the vet un- plucked plum 1 _. ~"~ ~Cec. Your countenance grows animated, my dear madam. Mat. And yours, too, is glowing with illumin- ation. Jeux d' Esprit. 1 1 Cec. I had long been poking out for a congenial spirit. My heart was -withered but the beams of yours have re-kindleoMt. / Mat. A sudden thought strikes mei/ Let us swear an eternal friendship. j Cec. Let us agree to live together. V Hereupon they embrace " with rapidity and earnestness," and go off, after their sympathy has become intensified by the mutual discovery that parh has hppn forgaVpn hy her lover. Dinner is then produced, and at this moment the post-horn blows and Casimere enters. The scene abruptly changes to a subterranean vault. (Toads and other loathsome reptiles are seen traversing the obscurer parts of the stage. Rogero appears in chains, in a suit of rusty armour, with his beard grown and a cap of grotesque form upon his head.} Rogero soliloquizes, partly to . the following effect : " Here in the depths of an eternal dungeon in the nursing-cra'dle of Hell the suburbs .pf Perdition in a nest of Demons where Despair in vain sits brooding over the putrid eggs o^^jLQQ where Agony woos the embraces of Death where Pafi^nr^ besidetne^>ottomles^ pool -of Despondency, sits angling for Impossibilities ; n6 Jeux d' Esprit. yet, even here, to behold her, to embrace heixT Yes, Matilda ! whether in this dark abode, amidst toads and spiders, or in a royal palace, amidst the I more loathsome reptiles of a Cfljtft, would be indif- (f ferent to me. Angels would shower down their hymns of gratulation upon our heads, while Fien^"*' would envy the eternity of suffering Love ! Soft ! What air was that ? It seemed a sound of more than human warblings. Again ? (listens attentively for some minutes} Only the wind. It is well, however ; it reminds me of that melancholy air which has so often soothed the hours of my cap- tivity. Let me see whether the damps of this dungeon have not yet injured my guitar." SONG BY ROGERO. ' Whene'er with haggard eyes I view This dungeon that I'm rotting in, I think of those companions true Who studied with me at the niversity of Gottingen niversity of Gottingen. ( Weeps, and pulls out a blue kerchief, zvith which he wipes his eyes. Gazing tenderly at it he proceeds :) Jeux d' Esprit. 117 Sweet kerchief, checked with heavenly blue, Which once my love set knotting in ; Alas ! Matilda then was true, At least, I thought so at the U-^^ niversity of Gottingen niversity of Gottingen. (At the repetition of this line Rogero clanks his chains in cadence^] Barbs ! barbs ! alas ! how swift ye flew, Her neat post-waggon trotting in^* Ye bore Matilda from my view. Forlorn I languished at the U-^^ niversity of Gottingen niversity of Gottingen. This faded form ! This pallid hue ! This blood my veins is clotting in. My years are many ; they were few When first I entered at the U niversity of Gottingen niversity of Gottingen. There first for thee my passion grew, Sweet sweet Matilda Pottingen ! Ti8 Jeux d' Esprit. Thou wast the daughter of my tu - tor, Law Professor at the U niversity of Gottingen niversity of Gottingen. Sun Moon and thou, vain World, adieu, That kings and priests are plotting in. Here doomed to starve on water g ru - el, never shall I see the U niversity of Gottingen ! niversity of Gottingen ! (During the last stanza Rogero dashes his head repeatedly against the walls of his prison ; and finally so hard as to produce a visible contusion, He then throws himself on the floor in an agony. The curtain drops the music still continuing to play till it is wholly fallen?) In the second act we are introduced, in an ordinary lodging-house at Weimar, to " Pudding-^"* field and Beefington," a couple of English noble- men, whom the tyranny of King John has obliged^ to fly from their country. Young Pottingm, brother of Matilda, is (at another table in the corner of the room, with a pipe in his mouth, and a Saxon \\ Jeux d' Esprit. 119 '{ : of n ciiiffnl/2*- <:l({(pt beside him, which he re- t peatedly applies to his lips, turning ^"-f /r'" 1 *""J ^d \ casting his eyes towards the firmament. At the last trial he holds the mug for some moments in a directly ; inverted position. Then he replaces it on the tablt with an air of dejection and gradually sinks into a profound slumber. The pipe falls from his hand and is broken.} During a game at all-fours Beefington thus bewails his condition What are they nirr thn hmrt Can they ligfoenjg^rniny ? Can all-fours do this ? Oh, my Puddingfield ! thy limber and lightsome 'spirit bounds up against affliction with the elasticity of a well-bent bow ; but mine oh ! mine - ! " (Falls into an agony and sinks back in his chair} Pottingen, awakened by the noise, joins>them and explains his own troubles : " Oppressed by the tyranny of an abbot, persecuted-by the jealousy of a count, the betrothed husb^d of my sister languishes in a loathsome captivity. . . Comrades, your counsel ! My search fruitless, my money gone, my baggage stolen ! What am I to do ? In yonder abbey in those dark dank vaults there, 120 Jeux d' Esprit. my friends, there lies Rogero there Matilda's heart." An English newspaper is now brought in, con- taining the intelligence that Maana Charta has just been signed and Lord Badbn made Chan- cellor. On the anxiety of the trt-6 banished friends to return the scene comes to an end. The third act, containing the eclairdssements and final arrangement between Casimere, Matilda, and Cecilia, is not inserted in the "Anti-Jacobin ;" and the fourth (and last) has the inn-door for its opening scene. A diligence is drawn up. Beefing- ton and Puddingfield are hurrying their departure for England, when Casimere implores their assist- ance in the rescue of Rogero. They assent, and the three are then joined by the waiter of the inn, a troubadour, and an Austrian and Prussian grenadier Waiter. But hist ! we are observed. Troub. Let us by a song conceal our purposes. RECITATIVE (accompanied}. Cas. Hist, hist ! nor let the airs that blow From Night's cold lungs our purpose know. Pud. JLet Silence, mother of the dumb, ^ Beef. Press on each lip her palsied thumb. Jeux d* Esprit. 121 Wait. Let Privacy, allied to Sin, That loves to haunt the tranquil inn Gren. and Troub. And Conscience start, when she The mighty deed we mean to do. CHORUS, allegro allegretto. All. Let us fly, let us fly ; > Let us help ere he die. ^ (Exeunt omnes?) The scene changes to the abbey-gate, and the assault takes place. (A body of choristers and lay- brothers attempt a sally, but are beaten back and the verger killed?) The besiegers are victorious, and the curtain falls as they are dispersing in search of Rogero. IHEODORE HOOK, seeing one day a very pompous and self-satisfied old gentleman strutting along on the opposite side of the street, crossed over, took off his hat most politely, and asked this almost unanswerable question : " I beg your pardon, sir excuse the boldness of the 122 Jeux d 'Esprit. I Y dear sir," observed Jekyll one day to a judge who was alike notorious^ Jjjoj^ his greed of office and his want of personal cleanliness ; " you have asked the minister for almost everything else- why dorit you ask him for a piece of soap and a nail-brush ? |OME French military coxcomb remarked to Talleyrand, " Nous appelons pequin tout ce qui n'est pas militaire." Talleyrand answered, " Et nous, nous appelons militaire tout ce qui n'est pas civil" I HE well-known "Conversation Sharpe" was at one period of his life a hatter^ Some-! body was trying to account for his very] dark complexion by suggesting that the dye of his' old trade had got engrained into his face. " Yes," said Luttrell ; " darkness that may be felt." IHEODORE HOOK defined Beauty as " all^ nrvL Jeux d' Esprit. 123 |YDXEY SMITH, doubting the practicability of introducing trial by jury into New Wales, imagines a few of the excuses that might be made by any one summoned as a juror. " I cannot come to serve upon the jury : The waters of the Hawksbury are out and I have a to swim. The kangaroos will break into my The convicts have robbed rruif^My little boy has been bitten by an ornithorynchus paradoxus. I have sent a man fifty miles with a sack ol Hour buy a pair of breeches for the assizes, and he is not returned." ig=-H|HERlDAN, while staying at the country house [ftNJEli of a friend, was one morning asked by a lady visitor to take her out for a walk, lady was neither witty nor beautiful^ and the author of the "School for Scandal " was at a loss for an excuse, until he luckily discovered and an^ nounced the fact that it was raining. His disap- pointed p^ejggfiiifcijesfcjfetired, but shortly came back to announce that the weather had cleared up. " So it has, madam," said Sheridan, driven to despair ; " but it has onjy cleared up enough for one not enoVigh ior two." 124 Jeiix d' Esprit. jOMEBODY told Curran, during his last illness, that he seemed to cough with more difficulty than on the previous day. " Do I ? " said Curran ; "that's odd enough. I've been practising if ,,11 ^:^'U<. " * I ORTHCOTE, the painter, being asked by Sir William Knighton what he thought of -. Prince Regent, answered, "I don't know ( him." " Oh, but his Royal Highness says he is 1 \ t< acquainted with you." " Does he ? Ah, that's only I 1 his brag ! " ORD BYRON yas asked in the Drury Lane green-rooW whether he did not think Miss Kelly's acting in the " Maid and the****^ Magpie " exceedingly natural. " I really am no judge," replied his lordship ; " I was never innocenLii of stealing a silver spoon." I HEN Montroud was lying ill he said to Talley- rand, "Ah, my friend, I feel the torments of h 1 ! ""What, a/eady ? " was Talley- rand's comforting remark. >/ Jeux d' Esprit. 125 jOMEBODY observed to the younger Charles Mathews that blind persons generally ap- pear pretty contented, and wound up the remark by asking, " How can the blind be happy . ?i " I suppose," replied Charles, " they see no reason why they shouldn't." |]HEN the King of Portugal was in England, Queen Victoria presented Sir Edwin Land seer to his majesty, as the painter whose works she had been collecting. " Ah, Sir Edwin ! " exclaimed the king, " delighted to make your acquaintance. I was always very fond of beasts. [HERE is a New Zealand attorney just arrived in London with 6s. w. tattoed all over his face. V SYDNEY SMITH. II Y. | U RING the trial of Warren Hastings, Charles /\ Fox, in allusion to Lord Thurlow's solemn appearance, whispered to the Speaker, " I won^lef whether any one ever wcis as wise as Thurlow looks ! " 126 Jeux d' Esprit. [AY I help you to some beef, Mr. Brum- mell ? " asked the master of the house. " No, I thank you," replied the famous dandy ; " I never eat beef nor horse nor any- thing of tjiat kind." IURRAN was asked what an Irish friend of his, who had just arrived in London, could mean by perpetually putting out his tongu "I suppose," explained Curran, "he's trying to catch the English accent" | HE illustrious Goethe was not particularly fond of music. Once, at a Court concert in Weimar, when a pianist was in the middle of a very long_ sonata, the ppej^sucld.enly rose up and, to.the horror of the assembled ladies and gentlemen, exclaimed, " If it lasts_ ^runutes longer I shall confess everything." jjjoney, butputjjftur -fry jf| tnir* OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. Jeux d' Esprit. 127 |ADAME DE STAEL hath published an Essay ** f "' against Suicide, which, I presume, will make somebody qhnpf j^im^plf ; as a ser- jmon by Btenkensop, in proof of Christiariityj sent' Ih'eTtO TrmiJC~73TChodox acquaintance of rniny*^^ [out ol a chapel of ease a perfect atheisk. BYRON'S LETTERS. CANNOT exactly see the scope of your argument," said a gentleman who had been disputing with Dr. Parr. " Then, sir," said the doctor, " I can only say that you possess the dulness of lead without its mallea- ^ biKti IOMEBODY maintained in the presence of \/ /~*\ Canning 1-Hat noverl-y was a virtjip The ^\ \ minister observed, "That is literally making^-. ^/^ a I HERE is a kind of compliment that comes upon a man like a cannon-ball ; it leaves DOUGLAS JERROLD. ^^ ^[ 128 Jeux d* Esprit. UTTRELL was once asked whether a certain acquaintance of his was not always very disagreeable. "Well," said he, ".he. is. always as disagreeable as the circumstances will permit." giHERlDAN, reproving his promising son Tom y| on the irregular life he was leading, ended by saying, " My dear Tom, really it is tim^ for you to take a wife." "With all my heart," replied the dutiful son ; " whose wife shall take ? " CERTAIN barrister named Jones; who prac- tised in Brougham's time, contracted a habit of commencing the examination of a witness with these words : "Now, sir, I am 1 going to put a question to you, and I don't care I ^TJlirb wa y 3 7 "! 1 ftT sw< iiT i*-" Brougham had begun, / like many others, to grow tired of this eternal formula. One morning he met his brother lawyer near the Temple, and addressed him thus, "Now, Jones, I am going to put a question to you, and I don't care which way you answer it. How do you do ? " II Jeux d' Esprit. 129 ON THE LATIN GERUNDS. HEN Dido's spouse to Dido would not come, She mourned in silence and was IMDo Dum. THEODORE HOOK. UTTRELL wrote the following epitaph on a man who was run over by an omnibus : Killed by an omnibus why not ? 6 d So quick a death a boon is. Let not his friends lament his lot. Mors omnibus communis. f ^ft^CZ . / fYDNEY SMITH was one day asked if a certain bishop of his acquaintance was going to be married. " Perhaps he may," said Sydney ; " and yet, how can a bishop marry ? TT i i in Ini ilTr" The most he can say i s /_J will see you in the vestry after service. ' " I EKYLL said that the farther h the more convinced he felt that the wiselj men did not come from the East. K 130 Jeux d' Esprit. OME friend of Charles Lamb's was declaiming J to him against what is called jnock- \( .modesty. " Well," stammered the listener, 1 " there is no mock-modesty about you nor real^r either!" ~ '* | HEN Plunket was driven to resign the Irish Chancellorship he was succeeded by Lopr Campbell. The day of the latter's arrival was very stormy, and a friend remarked to Plunket how sick of his promotion the passage must have made the new-comer. " Yes," he replied ruefujly ; " but it won't make him throw up the seals/M^ jf JERHAPS," writes Byron in a letter, " you have heard of a late answer of Sheridan to the watchman who found him bereft of ,4:hat .divine particle of air' called reason. The watchman found Sherry in the street, fuddled and bewildered, and almost insensible. " Who are you, sir ? " No answer. " What's your name ? " A hiccup. " What's your name ? " Answer in a slow, deliberate, and impressive tone " WlLBER- )f FORCE." "" Jeux d' Esprit. GENTLEMAN was boasting to Lord Norbury that he had lately shot as many as thirty- three hares before breakfast. " Tfaen, sir," was the judge's remark, "you must Jiave been firing y . "" -..- -' '- /\ 'at a wig. HE ugliest of trades have their moments pleasure. Now, if I were a gravedigger or even n there are some could work for with_a_great deal of enjoyment. DOUGLAS JERROLD ( TALKATIVE author, after babbling about his piece to Sheridan for some time, said, " I fear, sir, that I have been intruding on your attention." " Oh dear no," answered " I've not been listening." one remarked to Plunket, "Well, you see that 's predictions have come true." " Indeed ! " said Plunket ; "I always knew he was a bore, but I never thought he was an augur." '-*"* fc /e w '/.' 'r - w l^rH HE French," writes Sydney Smith, " certainly IIUHI understand the art of furnishing better than we do ; the profusion of looking- glass in their rooms gives such gaiety. I re- member entering a room with glass all round it h* at the French Embassy, antj saw myself reflected on .every side. I took it for a meeting of the clergy, \^ and was delighted, of course." flORDSWORTH says he could write as well as Shakespeare, if he had a mind. Jfip Y* it wants nothing but tliQ..mind." LAMB'S " LETTERS." MATISM is puppyism come to its full\X ' /\ growth. DOUGLAS JERROLD. ORD BYRON, writing about a lady of whom he had no reason to think well, and whose disposition was not the most amiable in the world, says, "Lady has been dangerously but it may^ console j^ou_ to learn thatjshe, is dangerously well again." , dan| II Jeux d' Esprit. 133 |N attendant, in the course of Mathews's last ^ illness, gave him by mistake some ink r instead of a dose of medicine. " Never mind," said Mathews, on the discovery of the accident ; " you have only to let me swallow a \* sheet of blotting-paper." Hoolfwa: II HEN Theodore Hook was arrested and sent home from the Mauritius, he met Lord Charles Somerset in the course of the voyage. Lord Charles, who had seen him in London occasionally, and knew nothing of his arrest, said, " I hope you are not going home your health, Mr. Hook ." " Why," said Theodore, . . !LI am sorry to say they think there is something j/ wrong in tJie chest'' \/ R. SALTER, the painter of the "Waterloo Banquet^" picture, was bold enough to ask the Duke of Wellington " whether it was - not true that he had been surprised at Waterloo ? " "No. sir." said his yrace. "I have never been . surprised until noiv ! " 134 Jeux d' Esprit. <' terigBjO you call that kindness ? " somebody asked IfcLlfifll Jerrold ; " for a man to go away from family and never send them a farthing ? " "Yes," Jerrold answered; "unremitting kindness.' IURRAN, hearing that a stingy and slovenly barrister had started for the Continent with ~ a shirt and a guinea, observed, " He'll not )f change either till he comes back." ERROLD made the following brief anticipatory epitaph on Charles Knight, a most amiable man and industrious historian : " Good \X Knight ! " o.w many people live on the reputation of tl reputation they might have made ! O. WENDETX HOLMES. HEAR," said one^fDouglas Jerrold's friends to him, in/an injured tone, " that said nn/fast book was the worst wrote." " Indeed I didn't ; I said it was the book anbod/ever wrote." 11 1^11ciiu. it wcx^) LiiC WOrSt IMjf^ J^ V\*^^k"L- />-f^i;A/i//iyjai7^t- iirr-/^fo J * Jeux d 1 Esprit. 135 CITY policeman before Judge Maule said he was in the heH (N) division. " Do you mean in the Poultry ? " asked the judge. X |OOD says that "a Quaker loves the ocean Jbr Jf its broad brim." IQNEST bread is very well ; it's the butter that J\ f makes the temptation. JERROLD. |T was one day reported in the Parliament House at Edinburgh that a gentleman/ who was known to have an insatiable! appetite had artually eaten away his. -senses*V pl> ^ " Pooh ! " said Henry Erskine, " they would notit---^ be a mouthful to him." jjERGEANT K , having made two or three mistakes while conducting a cause, petu- \^ lantly exclaimed, " I seem to be inoculated "M with dulness to-day." " Inoculated, brother ? " said " Erskine, " I thought you had it in the way." 136 Jeux d* Esprit. SMITH writes concerning a certain dean, " Oh, the Dean of -- deserves to v^ be preached to death by wild curates." \f ORD CLARE one day brought a Newfound- land dog upon the bench, and began to caress the animal while Curran was adr dressing the court. Of course, the latter stopped./\ " Go on, go on, Mr. Curran," said his lordship. " Oh, I beg a thousand pardons, my lord," re- turned the advocate ; "I really thought your lordship was employed in a man hath no freedom to fight for at Let him combat for that of his neighbours. Let him think of the glories of Greece and of Rome, ftti/l yf lrnr>rLWI nn ffafi ^g^fj I f 0.' t ? 1 '? labours. To do good to mankind is the chivalrous plan, And is always as nobly requited. Then battle for freedom wherever you can, And if not shot or hanged you'll get knighted. BYRON. Jeux d' Esprit. 137 IF a well-known actress, who in later life V' wore a good deal of rouge and powder, Jerrold observed, " She should have a hoop about her with a notice, ' Beware of the Paint.' " SHALLOW smatterer once tauntingly asked Dr. Parr why he did not write a book. " Sir," said the doctor, " I know how could soon write a very large book." " How so ?" " Why, sir, by putting in all that I know, and V all that you do not know." lfSil HE Duke f B , whc^vas to have been ISUal one of the knights at the Eglinton tourna- ment, was lamenting that he was obliged to excuse himself on the ground of an attack of the gout. " How," said he, " could I ever get my poor puffed feet into those abominable iron boots?" \J " It will be quite as appropriate," replied Hook, /\ " if vour grace goes in your list shoes." JUTTRELL used to say of somebody's face that it always reminded him of boiled nrnrfton^ and near relations. 138 Jeux d' Esprit. I T is a great pro^f pf your bread at dinner. I do it when I ~sj fry the Bishop of London, and wlth both hands when I sit by the Archbishop." v SYDNEY SMITH. |N the famous "Burgess's Anchovy Case" the two sons of the inventor were the litigant^x The brother who succeeded to the business complained that the other was nevertheless vending " Burgess's Sauce." Sir J. Knight Bruce, the vice- chancellor, began to sum up as follows" All the Queens subjects are entitled to manufacture pickles \jind sauces^ and not the less so that their fathers have done it before them. All the Queen's subjects are entitled to use their own names, and not the less so that their fathers have done it before them." |ORD WESTMORELAND, a wag of the Regency day, was in Paris during its occupation by the allies. He translated the common phrase, " T would if T f^ujd^ fry^ | ^ an ' f " as follows " Je voudrais si je coudrais, mats je ne cannais Jeux d* Esprit. 139 HEN Maret received, under the Empire, the title of Due de Bassano, Talleyrand said, " I don't know a greater fool in the world than Monsieur Maret, except the Duke of Bassano." **^ jN'one of the pantomime nights at the Surrey the harlequin, jumping through a window, fell with considerable violence, owing to carpenter not having placed the wadded bedding to receive him. He uttered a loud scream, though not much hurt. Elliston, being told of it, remarked, " There was much cry and little wool." | |IR WALTER SCOTT, alluding to the amount of a tailor's bill on fitting out his eldest son as a cavalry officer, said, " They say it takes nine tailors to make a man. A rf"*"|]nl'tf /MM ' ? "nffH^nt t^ ruin litf 1 " ' |ROUGHAM, speaking of the salary. attached to a new judgcship, said it was all moonshine^' " Maybe," said Lord Lyndhurst ; " buj live a notion that, moonshine or not, you would like t<> sec the first quarter of it." -^ ** - " X r-v 140 Jeux d' Esprit. JORD ALVANLEY, after his duel with young O'Connell, gave a guinea to the coachman who had driven him to and from the scene of the encounter. The man, surprised at the large- ness of the sum, said, " My lord, I only took you to " Alvanley interrupted him with, " My friend, the guinea is for bringing me back, not for taking me." '4 I X |IR GEORGE ROSE, walking up Gower Street one day, was hailed by Jack Bannister (then an old man) from the opposite side " Stop a moment, Sir George, and I'll come over to you." " No," replied Rose ; " I_ jiever made you \V cross yet, and I'll not begin now." On his return * home he wrote and sent to Bannister these lines : With seventy years upon his back, Still is my honest friend " young Jack Nor sprits check'd, nor fancy slack, >J34t fresh as any daisy. Though Time has knocked his stumps about, He cannot bowl his temper out : Although the steps be crazy, t, x\ razy, yv Jeux d' Esprit. 141 |YDNEY SMITH, in an "Edinburgh Review" essay dated 1820, thus describes the fearful extent to which taxation had then spread "The schoolboy whips his taxed top the beard- less youth manages his taxed horse with a taxed bridle on a taxed road and the dying Englishman, pouring his medicine which has paid 7 per cent. hicJL has^ paid i c per cent., flings soon w himself back upon his chintz bed, which has paid 22 per cent., and expires in the arms of an apothecary who has paid a licence of a hundred pounds for the privilege of putting him to death. His .whole property is then immediately taxed from 2 to 10 per cent. Besides the probate, large fees are demanded for burying him in the chancel ; his virtues are handed down to posterity on taxed . marble ; and he is then gathered to his fathers to \ be taxed no more." ||| i j|s| HEODORE HOOK, about to be proposed a P.!M| member of the Phoenix Club, asked when ^ they met. "Every Saturday evening during^ the winter." " Evening ? Oh, then, I shall neve make a Phoenix, for I can't rise from the fire." Y 142 Jeux d' Esprit. |X acquaintance, disputing with Person, got the worst of the argument and lost temper. " Professor," said he, " my opinion of you is most contemptible." " Sir," returned the great Grecian, " I never jneL-with any of your. 'opinions that was not contemptible." CERTAIN Viscount was detected trying to cheat at cards, and turned out of the hou with a threat that next time he cameTie should be thrown out of the window. He related his misfortune and protested his innocence to Talleyrand, asking him also for advice. " Well friend, I advise you never to play in future excep on the ground floor. ~ \.\j >m fif cepj : | BARRISTER entered court one morning witlr his wig stuck on one side. Unconscious of the absurdity of his appearance, and surprised at the observations made upon it, he at length asked Curran, "Do you see anything ridiculous/in this wig, Mr. Curran ? " " Nothing except! tfie head," was the consolatory answer. Jeux d* Esprit. 143 gyro] SCOTCH gentleman named Leitch was intro- iBaaial duced to Douglas Jerrold, and thought it ^^> necessary to explain that he was not John Leech, the caricaturist. " I know that," said Jerrold ; . . "you are the Scotchman with the i-t-c-h in your V (HE advice," says Sydney Smith, "that I sent to the Bishop of New Zealand, when he had to receive the cannibal chiefs there, was to say to them, ' I deeply regret, sirs,^ to have nothing on my table suitable to your taste, but vnn \yj11 finH plpnfv of cold curate and roasted r1pycryniari_iiD_the sideboard.' And if, in spite of this prudent provision, his visitors should end repast by eating him likewise, why I could only add that I sincerely hoped he would disagree with them." CERTAIN councillor at the Irish bar was notorious for the dinginess of his lin " My dear fellow," said .Curran one day to him, " you can't imagine ho^ puzzled we are to find out where you buy al/your dirty shirts." 144 Jeux d' Esprit. POEM called " The Ark " was the topic of conversation in Canning's presence. Some critic thought it strange that the author, in describing the order in which the animals * entered the ark, should make the elephant go \jr last. " Oh ! " said Canning, " that's easily accounted for. The elephant staved behind to pack up his friend warned Sheridan that the quantity of brandy he drank would destroy the coat of his stomach. He answered, " Well, then, my stomach must digest in its waistcoat." I IHE^star I was born under tells me to look uo. If we didn't come into this world to better ourselves, we might as well have stayed DOUGLAS JERROLD. [AMES SMITH asserted that Mdlle. Mars was not the real name of the famous French actress, but only a nom de gberre. ~ H Jeux d^ Esprit. 145 A POLITICAL DESPATCH. |N matters of commerce the fault of the Dutch Is giving too little and asking too much. With equal advantage the French are content, So we'll clap on Dutch bottoms a twenty per cer Twenty per cent. Twenty per cent. Nous frapperons Falck* with a twenty per cent RIGHT HON. GEORGE CANNING. EPIGRAM. |T seems as if Najtyfe had curiously planned That our pmes with our trades should agree There's Tj^in^ff, tfr p Tea-Man, who lives in, ffie ^Strand, Would be whining if robbed of his T. THEODORE HOOK. * Mr. Falck, the Dutch minister, having in 1826 made a proposition by which a considerable advantage would have accrued to Holland, this despatch was actuary ^nf +~ - Council put into effect the intention announced therein. 146 Jeux d' Esprit. 1^'jgjJHEODORE HOOK was once maintaining that iSa.tSlI the blood is not originally red, but acquires that colour in its progress. " Pray, sir,'' inquired his opponent, "in what stage does the blood turn red ? " " Why, sir, in the Readir stage, I presume," replied Theodore. was telling Jekyll that he had JaaJ) been in Lord Kenyon's kitchen and had noticed the spit was as bright as though^ it were never made use of. "Why mention his spit?" asked Jekyll. "You must know that not turns upon that" |Y client," said an Irish, advocate, pleading before Lord NorbWry in an action for trespass, "is a poor man. He lives a hovel, and his miserable dwelling is in a for- lorn and dilapidated state ; but, thank God ! labourer's cottage, however ruinous its plight, is his sanctuary and his castle. Yes the winds may i enter it, and the rain may enter it, but the king I cannot enter it." " What, not the reigning king ? " ^inquired his Jordship. Jeux d* Esprit. 147 SMITH formed one of a group en- PQ| gaged in the inspection of a turtle that had been sent to the house of a friend. A child of the party stooped down and beg.au " ** eagerly stroking the anjmal. Why are you doing that ? " said Sydney. " To please the turtle." " Why, child, you might as well strojce the dome of Saint Paul's to please the Dean and Chapter." " !lnfIl AKING th em new ith another," said Sydney lasjjal Smith, " I believe my congregation to be, most exemplary observers of the religious! ordinances ; for the poor keep all the^ fasts, andthe] rich all the feasts." JN artful juryman, addressing the clerk of the court while the latter was administer- ing the oath, said, " Speak up ; I cannot hear what you say." " Stop," said Baron Alder- son from the bench ; " are you deaf ? " " Yes, my lord, of one ear." " Then you may leave the box, for it is necessary that juryiflgfl 5fl6uld Jacar '" " 148 Jeux d'Esprit. A'BECKETT celebrated his elevation IfJisI to the office of magistrate at the Green- wich Police-court by a characteristic A gentleman came before him to prefer a charge . of robbery with violence, committed in the middle I of the night. In stating his case he mentioned \ that the assault occurred while he was returnin home from an evening party. The worthy magis- trate interrupted him by observing, "J?^||y g?^ J p m v mf"H to accept anything JJke an ex parte statement." jYDNEY SMITH said of Talleyrand's conversa- s tion "It was an abuse of terms tocsllgJ^ ? l, for he ***$ nff trr fV> "^ I ] believe, no roof to his_^riouth no uvula no j larynxr no trachea^r-no epiglgJJig^-no anything. | It was not "talking, it wa^gurgling/' |OMEBODY was telling Jekyll that one of his friends, a brewer, had been drowned in his own vat. " ^fli ! " was Jekyll's remark ; floating on his own ywatery bier." yeux d' Esprit. 149 RCHBISHOP WHATELY asked a young clergy- man whom he was examining to explain the difference between a form and ceremony. Various answers were given, none of them satisfactory. " Well," said the archbishop, " the difference lies in this : you sit upon a form, \f but you stand upon ceremony." ** V | HE physician who attended George Colman in his last illness paid one day a later visit than usual, and explained it by saying that , he had been called in to see a man who had fallen down a well. "Did he kick the bucket, doctor?"* faintly inquired the patient. jjHEN Jerrold heard the Park guns announcing . the birth of a Prince, he observed, "Oh,\f how they do powder those babies ! " |HEODORE HOOK was walking with a friend when the latter pointed out an unfinished inscription on a wall, running thus : " WARREN'S B " " Tis lacking^ that should follow," explained Hook. i; 150 Jeux d' Esprit. EPIGRAM. |T Brompton I, when winter reigns, Great-coated quaff my wine gl^n ; \f And your bed is immediately over my oven." r^ " Your oven ! " cries Will. Says the host in a \^ passion, " In that excellent Jged^ died three people of fashion. Why sQcnisty. good sir ? " " Zounds ! "cries Will. in a taking, "Who wouldn't be crusty with half a year's Will paid for his room. Said mine host, with a sneer, "Well, I see you've been going away this half- year." "Although we must part, yet no quarrel," Will said, " But I'd rather not perish while you make your bread ! " GEORGE COLMAN THE YOUNGER. \ L c c BOOKSELLER. and you should be bound in a yoke : UV Botji craters are sending out volumes of II smoke. JAMES SMITH. life committee! mo NEVER in my life committed more than one act of folly," said Rulhiere one day in the ^v presence of Talleyrand. " But when will it end ? H -inquire^ the latter. oets, of what is thought by idle people really sought forjLSh;epj-eserita- 1 f tive, of so rnanv legs of mutton ! We may e Fame an angelic "creature on the tombs o but how often do bards invoke her as a J DOUGLAS JERROLD. IYDNEY SMITH, when advised by his doctor to take a walk upon an empty stomach, inquired, " Upon whose ? " V Jeux d' Esprit. 155 jHEN Charles Mathews (the younger) was travelling in Italy with theJBlessingtons. he was told that a person generally disliked was supposed to have caught the " That's bad," remarked Charles, " but there is at least one consolation. He is sure not to Spitted? \/ UTTRELL'S epigram on Miss Mary Trge. the singer, is very happy : On this Tree if a nightingale settles and This Tree will return it as good as it bri HEN Charles Lamb was a clerk in the India House, he was one day rebuked by a superior, who said, " I have remarked, Mr. li Lamb, that you always come to the office very | late." "That's true," answered Elia; "but you must remember that T ^Iwayc gr> awfl,y Yfiry parly." Of course, such an explanation was more than enough. ||gva|UTTRELL used to say, "I hate the sight |B.I8ll of monkeys, they remind me so of poor relations." MOORE'S "DIARY." 156 Jeux cT Esprit. IOBODY was more bitterly witty than Lord Ellenborbugh. ^^youngiawyer, ^rem^iyig with fear, rose to make his first speech, and began "My lord, my unfortunate client my- lord, my unfortunate client my lord " " Go on, sir, go on," said Lord Ellenborough ; "33 far as f. V 1 IlflYr prnr 3 ^ hithrrt- the court is entirely I with you." JT's a most extraordinary thing," said a friend one day to T. W. Robertson, " that old So-and-so talked for half-an-hour to me the other day, and I couldn't understand word that he said." "How's that?" inquired Robertson. "Well, all his teeth are gone, know, so that he only mumbles. I assure you, it was all Greek to me." " Greek ? Nonsense. If the .man has lost all his teeth, he was probably talking Gum-Arabic." IN importunate tradesman had the temerity to call upon Talleyrand and inquire when his bill wa^fto be settled. " You are extremely curious, sit" /as the satisfactory reply. Flnrev when a beautiful girl of the party exclaimed, " Oh, Mr. Sydney, this pea never come to perfection." " Permit me, then," said he, gently taking her hand and walking towards the plant, "to lead perfection to the pea." jra^ix Jerrold's comedy, " Bubttles at the Day," |iO.Bl| the dialogue is interrupleci by a violent knocking at the door. ^'That's Malmsey Shark ! " (a money-lender)^- exofaims one of the characters. " How do you kno^?" inquires another. " From this fact no metal ever falls_in^o_hj^iapds that he doesn't make the most of." \ 1 Lord Ellenborough was trying one of the [[Mill Government cases against liorrte Tooke he found occasion to^graise^Jh^ejjjyj it|anner ir^ which iu-^ifflT f c ^A^^ England, Mr. Tooke, the law is open to all rich or pcxyi* -" Yes, my lord," answered prisoner, v .^and so is the London Tavern." A ^ 158 Jeux d' Esprit. COLOGNE. |N Kohln, a town of monks and bones, And pavements langa with murderous stones, And rags and, hags and hid^o^j^ncheSj I counted two-and-seventy stenches ; All well-defined and several stinks ! Ye Nymphs that reign o'er sewers and sinksw^ The river Rhine, it is well known, Doth wash your city of Cologne \/^^ But tell me, Nymphs, what power divine Shall henceforth wash the river Rhine ? S. T. COLERIDGE. HE sloth in its wild state /spends its life v& fcfce trees and never leaves thfem but from or accident. The eagle\ to the sky, the mole to the ground, the sloth tt? the tree ; but what is most extraordinary, he livek not upon the branches but under them. He moveg suspended, rests suspended, sleeps suspended, ancK^passes hjs ' Jeux d' Esprit. 159 QUATRAIN. |OME, Sleep ! but, mind ye, if ye come without The little girl that struck me at the By Jove ! I would not give you half-a- crown .1 For all your poppy-heads and all your down. /|f WALTER S. LANDOR. |R. OLIVER w. HOLMES, in his "Professor at the Breakfast-Table," defines a stethoscope as . "a. p^rket-spYfi'lass for looking into people's ji chests with your ears." |HEODORE HOOK said to somebody with whom a bibliopolist dined one day and got exceedingly drunk, " Why, you appear to me to have emptied your wine-cellar into your bookseller." IALLEYRAND, being pestered by a squinting man with questions concerning his broken- leg, at last said, " It is quite crooked as you see/' i6o Jeux d' Esprit. ON MACLISES PORTRAIT OF M ACRE AD Y AS " MACBETH!' HKTJACLISE'S " Macready's Macbeth " &JJ As a picture defies all attacks^""" Yet, uniting these three in a breath, It is only a view of Al-macks. LAMAN BLANCHARD. FALSE LOVE AND TRUE LOGIC. The Disconsolate. Y heart will break I'm sure it will. My lover, yes, my favourite he Who seemed my own through good and ill- Has basely turned his back on me. The Comforter. Ah ! silly sorrower, weep no more. Your lover's turned his back, we But you had turned hjsJiadJaflfa>e, LAMAN BLANCHARD. Jeux d* Esprit. 161 THE YARN OF THE "NANCY BELL '[iFil WAS on ^ e s ^ ores *kat roun d our coast ISgJaal From Deal to Ramsgatc span, That I found alone, on a piece of stone, An elderly naval man. His hair was weedy, his beard was long, And weedy and long was he, And I heard this wight on the shore recite In a singular minor key " Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold, And the mate of the Nancy brig, And a bo'sun tight and a midshipmite, ^^ And the crew of the captain's gig." And he shook his fists and he tore his hair, Till I really felt afraid, For I couldn't help thinking the man had been drinking, And so I simply said : " Oh, elderly man, it's little I know Of the duties of men of the sea, And I'll cat my hand if I understand How you can possibly be M 1 62 Jeux d' Esprit. " At once a cook and a captain bold, And the mate of the Nancy And a bo'sun tight and a And the crew of the captain's gig. Then he gave a twitch to his trousers, which Is a tnr.lf all qpampn larn r ""' And, having got rid of a thumping quid, He spun this painful yarn : " 'Twas in the good ship Nancy Bell That we sailed to the Indian Sea ; ^^ And there on a reef we came to gridf; Which has often occurred to me. " And pretty-nigh all of the crew was drowned (There was seventy-seven o' soul), And only ten of the Nancy's men Said ' Here ! ' to the muster-roll. " There was me and the cook and the captain bold, And the mate of the Nancy brig, And the bo'sun tight and a midshipmite, And the crew of the captain's gig. Jeux d' Esprit. 163 " For a month we'd neither wittles nor drink, Till a-hungry we did feel ; So we drawed a lot, and accordin' shot x< *^' The captain for our meal. " The next lot fell to the Nancy's mate, And a delicate dish he made ; Then our appetite with the midshipr We seven survivors stayed. " And then we murdered the bo'sun And he much resembled pig ; Then we wittled free, did the cook and_ " Then only the cook and me was left, And the delicate question, ' Which Of us two goes to the kettle ? ' aros'e ; And we argued it out as sich. For I loved that cook as a brother, I did, And the cook he worshipped me ; Jut we'd both be blowed if we'd either be stowed In the other chap's hold, you see. 164 Jeux d' Esprit. " ' I'll be eat if you dines off me, 1 says Tom, ' Yes ; that,' says I, ' you'll be ; ' ' I'rnboiled if I die, my friend,' quoth I, \^And ' Exactly so,' quoth he. " Says he, ' Dear James, to murder me Were a foolish thing to do ; For don't^t?u see that you can't cook me, ^Vhtfe! I can and will cook you ! ' " So he boils the water and takes the salt And the pepper in portions true (Which he never forgot) and some chopped shalot, And some sage and parsley too. :" ' Come here,' says he, with a proper pride, Which his smiling features tell ; ' 'Twill soothing be if I let you see How extremely nice you'll smell.' ' And he stirred it round and round and round, And he sniffed at the foaming froth ; When I ups with his heels and smothers his squeals In the scum of the boiling broth. Jeux d' Esprit. 165 " And I eat that cook in a wpek or less, And as I a-eating be \/ The last of his chops, why I almost drops For a wessel in sight I see. I) "And I never larf and I never smile, And I never lark nor play ; But I sit and croak, and a single joke ^ I have which is, to say : *^^ " Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold, \ And the mate of the Nancy brig, \ And a bo'sun tight and a midshipmite, ^ And the crew of the captain's gig ! " W. S. GILBERT. (" Bab Ballads.") NE of a party of friends, referring to an exquisite musical composition, said, "That >^ song always carries me away when I hear it." " Can anybody here whistle it ? " asked Jerrold appeahngly. 1 66 Jeux d' Esprit. ABANDONDINO THE BLOODLESS. A ROMANTIC DRAMA. Characters. ABANDONDINO THE BLOODLESS ! MYSTERIOUS INDIVIDUAL (in a cloak). Two COCKS (who croiv). SCENE. An Inn Chamber. ABANDONDINO discovered sitting gloomily in the centre ; he is pale and bilious. An old-fashioned kitchen clock on the right of the stage strikes. Aband. (counting the strokes). One! Two! Three ! Four ! Five ! Six ! Seven ! Eight ! Nine ! Ten ! Eleven ! Twelve ! Thirteen \ ^ Fourteen ! Humph ! it will soon be daybreak/^ For three years and a quarter no traveller has put up at my hostelry. With difficulty, therefore, can \^^ squeeze a profit from my annual returns. The house, I fear me, has an evil name. Seven poor travellers who stayed here during the great race week of five years since, when Maccaroni ran ^r dead heat with Cardinal Wiseman, and both wdh by eight necks ever since then, I say, when the seven customers came in and did not go out again, Jeux d' Esprit. 167 slander's venomed breath, has been a-going on at me awful. It's fearful to be alone and know what I know but what is this, Abandondino a tear ?^^ luckily it fell in the spittoon. Conscience, get out r (Music a knock?) Aband. Who's there ? Voice. Me ! Aband. Ha ! that is the smith's voice ! come in. (Opens door?) Enter MYSTERIOUS INDIVIDUAL, in a cloak, L. Individual. I would sleep here ! There is gold ! Call me at half-past four in the afternoon of next^/ Friday week. Aband. (aside, after several strong spasms). Next Friday week ! the fatal day on which I killed my wife and packed off my infant son and hare in a game hamper, directing it to the Chancellor of the Exchequer on account of unpaid income-tax. (After a struggle with himself, turns more pale and bilious if possible than before to INDIVIDUAL.) You you cannot sleep here. Individual (sitting c.). I will. (Sleeps?) Aband. How sudden is the slumber of the innocent. ( / Individual Reviving suddenly). Oh, by the way, 1 68 Jeux d' Esprit. my luggage is without, consisting of a couple of pen-wipers and a tooth-brush. Fetch them. Aband. (aside, with malignity). 'Twas ever thu from childhood's hour ; but I will humour him. (Exit, R.) Individual (looking round}. Time indeed works wonders, and Honi soit qui mal y pense ; but I anticipate. ABANUONDINO returns with box, R. Aband. Why travel with this? (holding up the tooth-brush}. I keep one for the use of all m customers. Individual. Varlet, the,bloomis^n - jjjej^ l e, and let the best man win. Aband. Enough, I am answered. Individual. Remember, next Friday week, at half-past four. (Sleeps.} Aband. The day ! the hour ! He sleeps (in a hoarse whisper, and exhibiting' as many teeth as possible}. He must never WAKE ! (Creeps stealthily up to him and bawls with all his might in his ear} Boohoo ! Hurryabag(>olabah ! (Pause.} Individual (in his sleep}. Some one whispered my mother's name. Aband. Poor boy ! And yet he must die, (Goes 11 Jeux d' Esprit. 169 to clock, opens it, and produces an enormous horse- pistol^) This pistol is loaded with powder, several slugs, and a couple of ordinary snails. What is this feeling that comes over me and chills me to the marrow-bone ? Pshaw ! also Jush ! likewise Pish | not to mention Bosh ! {points the pistol at INDIVIDUAL). One, Two (a loud crow is heard; ABANDONDINO drops the pistol}. The rooster's toll'd the knell of parting night, 'Tis he, my lord, the burly British cock,. The cock crows sal-volatile to the morn. ^-J Individual (awakes). Where is my box ? A band. There. Individual. It contains a change of linen and the certificate of my birth. A band. His loose kit, and his stifjJJt oh, agony ! you have a strawberry pottle on your middle temple ? Individual. Yes, a hautl Aband. Hautboy ! Ho,Tx>y, you are my boy ! Individual. And you you if I am your son, there can be but one conclusion namely, that you are my Aband. Father! Yes. Embrace me! (embrace the two roosters appear at window and crow}. Jeux d* Esprit. Nothing but the approbation of our kind friends is now necessary. Individual. Here are our hands join but yours, then (holding out his luggage} Box Aband. (pointing to roosters). And Cocks Both. Are satisfied. Curtain. HENRY J. [j?pS]ONTENELLE, in his extreme old age, was one |^-Bpi| day talking to a beautiful and clever young lady, when he suddenly exrfaimed, in a tone of ^ing-lefl flilhntry nnH pathos, " Ah, I were only fourscore again ^/ HEAR," said somebody to Jekyll, " that our friend Smith the attorney is dead< and leaves very few effects." " It could scarcely be otherwise," returned Jekyll ; " he so very few causes." S not Geneva dull ? " asked a friend of Talleyrand. " Especially when they amuse themselves," WAS the reply. Jeux d* Esprit. 171 , SUGGESTIONS BY STEAM. ~* ^ HEN Woman is in rags and poor, \) ^ And sorrow, cold, and hunger teaze her.-- V If Man would only listen more . . To that small voice that crieth " Ease her ! " \) ^r ^ Without the guidance of a friend (Though legal sharks and screws attack her)-,^^ 1 ** j * If Man would only more attend To that small voice that crieth " Backjjgr ! " So oft it would not be his fate To witness some despairing dropper ^^ In Thames's tide, and run too late To that small voice that crieth " Stop herjj' THOMAS HOOD. [PJOJRABB ROBINSON, just called to the bar, told |tJBa| Charles Lamb exultingly that he was re- tained in a cause in the King's Bench. " Ah," said Lamb ; " the first great cause^ least understood." i7 2 Jeux d' Esprit. all I want is common sense |E^M| exclaims an excited orator during stormy discussion. " Yes, that is preci what you do want," remarks Jerrold. se!"! g al isely! " iBSH T is cur * ous ^ e e ^" ect a thimble-full of wine [JM.CH| has upon me. I feel as flat as 's jokes. I forget the number of the Muses and think them thirty-nine, and only get myselfl right again by repeating the lines and finding! ' Descend, ye thirty-nine ! ' two feet too long.'^T^ I SYDNEY SMITH. jjHY do you attack my weakest part?" inquired F6ote of somebody who had raised a laugh against him on the subject * of his lameness ; " did I ever say anything about |USHE, the Irish Chief-Justice, on being told that the judges in the Court of Common Pleas had little or nothing to do, remarked, " Well, well, they're quite equal to if' Jeibc d' Esprit. > ,173 GRACE WALPOLE, speaking about some people of fashion who had hired Drury Lane * Theatre for the purpose of an amateur performance, remarked, " They really ani-p^ crt "">ii y \^ \\ is. extraordinary they should not have had sense' enough not to act at all." LADY of irascible temper asked George Selwyn why woman was made of the ribv " Indeed I can't say," was his reply, " unless . it be that the rib is the most crooked part of^the \T body.' 1 " jYDNEY SMITH writes to a friend, "Luttrellis here : he is remarkably well, considering that he has been remarkably well for so many years." X' (f"\ ' Charles Lamb, who detested the country {$^j|| as intensely as he enjoyed London, was asked how he had felt among the lakes and mountains of Cumberland, he replied that he was obliged to think of the ham-and-bcef Y- shop near Saint Martin's Lane. i I 74 Jeux d' Esprit. EPIGRAM. |F all speculations the market holds forth, The best that I know, for the lover of pelLT Tfi to hny Manxis up at the price he is worth AnH fhpn sftll" hitr| at that which he sets on _ himself. THOMAS MOORE. jrjffij, OOK, in the supposed character of an under- I.||.B| graduate, says, " One problem was given me to work, which I did in a twinkling. Given C.A.B., to find Q Answer: Take your C.A.B. through Hammersmith, turn to the left just before you come to Brentford, and Kew is right before you." I HE editor of the Times asked Hood one day what he thought of his paper. "I . like it very well," answered Hood, " but ^ some of it is broken English." Asked to explain, he added, " Why, the list of bankrupts, to fjfc^ sure." /\ Jeux d' Esprit. 175 BO SWELL'S JOHNSON. (AN UNPUBLISHED PAGE OF BIOGRAPHY.) " Iff 6D13 ID ^ e ru ddy nec tar flow ! " |I.1301| I say, old fellow, don't you go. You know me BOSWELL and you know I wrote a life of Johnson. Punch they've here, a splendid brew ; Let's order up a bowl for two, And then I'll tell you something new Concerning Doctor Johnson. Great man that, and no mistake, To ev'ry subject wide awake ; A toughish job you'd have to A fool of Doctor Johnson. But everybody worth a straw Has got some little kind of flaw ; My own's a About my poor friend Johnson. And even that immortal man, When he to speechify began No greater nuisance could be than The late lamented Johnson. 1 76 Jeux d' Esprit. Enough he was to drive you mad, ^Such endless length of tonguehejiac Which caused jgjgfjj hab 1 'f haH Of cursing Doctor Johnson. We once were at the famous Gate In Clerkenwell 'twas getting late ; Between ourselves I ought to state That Doctor Samuel Johnson v Had stowed away six pints of portX* The strong, full-bodied, fruity sort And I had had my whack, in short As much as Doctor Tohnson. \ Just as I'd made a brilliant joke The doctor gave a grunt and woke He looked all round, and then he spoke These words, did Doctor Johnson : " The man who'd make a pun," said he, ' Would perpetrate a larceny, And punished equally should be, ] Or my name isn't Johnson ! " * I on the instant did reply To that old humbug by the by, Jeux d' Esprit. 177 You'll understand of course that I Refer to Doctor Johnson !" You've made the same remark before. It's perfect bosh ; and, what is more, I look on you, sir, as a bore ! " Says I to Doctor Johnson. My much-respected friend, alas ! Was only flesh ; and flesh is grass. At certain times the greatest ass . Alive was Doctor Johnson. I " I shan't go home until I choose, Let's all lie down and take a snooze.\ I always sleep best in my shoes. All right ! I'm Doctor Johnson 1 !* GODFREY TURNER. 1ORACE WALPOLE was on one occasion ob- serving that the same indecision and want of system in politics had existed during ^** Queen Anne's time as now existed in George the Third's. " Rut tfagrf is nothing new under the sun^Jie added. " No," said George Selwyn, " nor ^/ under the grandson.*" ~ ^ ~~ N 178 Jeux d' Esprit. BALLAD. [S^IHE auld wife sat at her ivied door ISgS.gMl CButter and eggs and a pound of cheese), A thing she had frequently done before ; And her spectacles lay on her aproned The piper he piped on the hill-top (Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese), Till the cow said, " I die," and the goose asked j " Why ? " And the dog said nothing, but searched for fleas*, x The farmer he strode through the square farmyard (Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese); His last brew of ale was a trifle hard, * The connection of which with the plot one sees.X^ The farmer's daughter hath frank blue eyes' (Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese); y* She hears the rooks caw in the windy skies, As she sits at her lattice and shells her peas.X The farmer's daughter hath ripe red lips (Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese); If you try to approach her, away she skips J\ Over tables and chairs with apparent ease. Jeux d' Esprit. 179 The farmer's daughter hath soft brown hair (Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese); And I met with a ballad, I can't say where, Which wholly consisted of lines like these. PART II. She sat with her hands 'neath her dimpled cheeks (Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese), And spake not a word. While a lady speaks X\ There is hope, but she didn't even sneeze. She sat with her hands 'neath her crimson cheeks (Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese); She gave up mending her father's breeks, And let the cat roll in her new chemis She sat with her hands 'neath her burning cheeks (Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese), And gazed at the piper for thirteen weeks, Then she followed him out o'er the misty leas. Her sheep followed her, as their tails did than (Butter and eggs and a pound of cJicesc); And this song is considered a perfect gem, And as to the meaning, it's what you please. C. S. CAI.YKRI.KY. |S*jf||HE witticisms arising out of Samuel Rogers'^ | pale and cadaverous countenance are almqs| I innumerable. Lord Dudley, seeing the poet get out of a hackney-coach, remarked thatJae surely afford to keep his own hearse. It was to the same nobleman that Rogers related his tribulations n visiting- Spa and finding the town so full that he could obtain no bed. " Dear me," said Lord i V Dudley, "wag fhpj-f r>o mom, in the churchyard, k Rogers ? " Theodore Hook, on entering the cata- j combs at Paris, beheld the death-like face of the poet-banker issuing therefrom. "Hallo, Rogers !" JT cried the irreverent Theodore ; " wfoft kt,!^ li 1 *" ^'M Byron says in one of his letters that he has justf seen a portrait of Rogers, done "to the death. "^ IHgI*j?J| ERROLD and Planche were discussing the JBBJJll question of originality and adaptation in the drama. The latter gentleman, wishing to claim a particular character of his own as original, asked, "Do you remember my baroness in "^.sk~ THL Questions " ? " Yes," said Jerrold ; "I don't think that I ever saw a piece of yours. without being struck by your barrenness." Jeux d' Esprit. 181 happened to be in company where j [ijjgjfll Hugh Kelly was boasting of the power he possessed, as a reviewer, of distributing] literary reputations. " Don't be too prodigal of it," quietly interposed Foote^ " or you may leavgL none of it for yourself." the piazza two wags chanced to pass, |JDj8| Where a shop was adorned by an acre of glass. Quoth Tom, sotto voce, " Hail, Burnett & Co., ^ Success now-a-days is dependent on show." " Not so," answered Richard ; " here industry reigns. ^u^c^ss_is_derjenden^on using great panes." ^^ JAMES SMITH. |EORGE SELWYN was one day travelling by coach when a persistent stranger annoying him by polite questions. * are you now, sir?" was the inquiry at brief intervals. At length Selwyn, in order to reply once for all, said, "Sir, I am very well, and I intend to remain so all the rest of the journey." 1 82 Jeux d' Esprit. EPIGRAM. | HARMED with a drink which Highlanders compose, A German traveller exclaimed with glee " Potztausend ! sare, if dis is Athol Brose, f How goot dere Athol Boetry must be \V THOMAS HOOD. |C5 i j5l | O all letters soliciting his subscription to any- lHJil thing, Erskine had a regular form of reply, viz. " Sir, I feel much honoured by your application to me, and I beg to subscribe " here the reader had to turn over the leaf " myself your very obedient servant," etc. k^^h |N the downfall of the Rock^ham Ministry somebody remarked apologetically, in Foote's hearing, that they had been a/ their wits' end, and were quite tired to death. Foote remarked that their excessive fatigue could * scarcely have arisen from the length of their^ journey. / A DREAM. |'M In such a flutter I scarcely can utter "JThe words to my tongue that come dancing ; come dancing ; I've had such a dream it must certainly seem To incredulous ears like romancing romancing. No dqubt it was brought on by that Madame jWarton, Who muddled me quite with her models her 'models ; Or Madame Tussaud, where I saw in a row Of alt possible people the noddles the noddles. I dreamt I was walking with Homer and talking The very best Greek I was able was able When Guy, Earl of Warwick, with Johnson and Garrick, Would dance a Scotch reel on the table the table. Then Hajjjyjjal, rising, declared 'twas surprising That geptlemen made such a riot a riot And sent in a bustle to beg Lord John Russell Woulft hasten and make them all quiet all quiet. 184 . Jeiix d' Esprit. / / He came ?ind found Cato at cribbage with Plato, And Z/mmermann playing the fiddle the fiddle ; And, snatching a rapier from Admiral Napier, Ran J'eter the Great through the middle the piiddle. Then Up jump'd Alboni and looked at Belzoni, Who sat by her side like a mummy a mummy : But pious ^yieassaid, " This mustn't be, as I never play whist with a dummy a dummy ! " ev I'm almost perplext to say what I saw next, But I \think it was Poniatowski atowski Was driving Nell Gwynne with Commissioner Lin Over Waterloo Bridge in a drosky a drosky. When Sardanapalus, who thought fit to hail us, RemarKeaft"" \vas very cold weather cold weather ; And flinging his jasey at Prince Esterhazv^^^ They both began waltzing together together. The news was next spread that Queen Dido was dead, And Alderman Gibbs, in a huff, sir a huff, sir Had seized Lola Montes at Fribourg and Pontet's For feeding her bull-dog with snuff, sir with snuff, sir. 1*5 Whilst Bunn in a hurry ran off to the Surrey To clap Abd - e 1 - K ad &[_ i n irons in irons : And engaged Julius Caesar to play Adalgisa To Widdicomb's Lady of Lyons of Lyons. I caught up a candle and whispered to Handel, " There must be an end of the matter the matter ; " When bang through the skylight came down upon my light Lord Brougham with a deuce of a clatter a clatter. In terror I woke, crying, " This is no joke," And jump'd smack out of bed like King Priafr King Priam ; And I've but to remark if you're still in the dark, Why, you're not a bit worse off than I am than I am. J. R. PLANCH& JERROLD playjfully nicknamed Stir- ling Coyne, the dramatist, by the synon ym " Filthy Lucre. *rf 1 86 Jeux d' Esprit. IHEN Byron, just after his separation, published | the " Farewelj," and one or two other senti- mental poems, Curran remarked of him ; * I" I protest I cannot understand this kind of/ Llwhimpering. Here is a man who first weeps over/ \/ A I his wife, and then wipes his eyes with the public." [/* OOK, on seeing "Milton, Livery Stable Keeper" over a mews, composed the following impromptu Two Miltons in separate ages were born ; The cleverer Milton 'tis clear we have got* Though the other had talents the world to adorn, This lives by his mews, which the other could not I IYDNEY SMITH, writing upon the subject of convicts in his essay on Australia, points grandly to the future in the following sentence : " The. jtime ..may___jcome_when some j Botany Bay Tacitus shall record the crimes of an emperor lineally descended from a London pickpocket. " Jeux d' Esprit. 187 [p||OC>TE was much bored on one occasion by a jjjiil mercantile man of his acquaintance, who had not only written a poem but exacted^, a promise that he would listen to the reading of it^ The persecutor mercilessly taxed his victim with inattention before getting beyond the first pompous! *^* line : " Hear me, O Phoebus, and ye Muses " Now, pray be attentive, Mr. Foote." " I am," groaned the sufferer : " n,ine an 4 one are ten : \f ~-j A go on. [HE French, writes Thomas Hood, always put the cart before the horse Pere la Chaise for a chaise and Ix |s>sga!|URRAN happened to tell Sir Thomas Turton | [EJ3la| that he could never speak in public for a IX quarter of an hour without moistening his 1 lips. Sir Thomas declared that he had spoken for five hours in the House of Commons on the Nabol^T^ of Oude without feeling in the least thirsty. "That is very remarkable indeed," observed Curran, " for everybody agrees that it was the driest speech of r the session." 1 88 Jeux d' Esprit. EPIGRAM. [ka'|gl| HREE traitors Oxford, Francis, Bean |!ci>.q>S| Have missed their wicked aim ; And may all shots against the Queen In future do the same. For why I mean no turn of wit, But seriously insist That, if her majesty were hit, No one would be so miss'd. THOMAS HOOD. [R. QUIN," said some disagreeaW^person who had offended the famous actor, " I am told that you have been taking away m name." " Pray, sir, what have I said of you ? " "I hear that that you called n^a scoundrel, Mr. Quin." "Keep your name^sir/ said the comedian. i i |HARLES LAMB one day stammeringly com- mended a smart remark made tcT him T5y Barry Cornwall, by saying, " Very well, my |M dear boy, very well. Ben Jonson has said worse M| things than that and better." Jeux d' Esprit. |ORD ERSKINE once declared at a laiW party that "j> iff wag a Hn ranker tjedio onc's tail," upon which Sheridan, who was present when the remark was made, presented to Lady Erskine the following lines : Lord Erskine, at women presuming to rail, Calls a wife a tin canister tied to one's tail ; -^^ And fair Lady Anne, while the subject he carries on, Seems hurt at his lordship's degrading comparis But wherefore degrading ? Considered aright, .A canister's polished amljiafifiiLand bright. ^ And, should clirt its original purity hide, That's the fault of the puppy to whom it is tied. l*lj|Mj OOTE, when in Dublin, was asked what P.Spl pression he had derived from the conditior of the Irish poo^f He declared that settled a question which had before been a constant plague to him, and^he now knew what the English V I/Y beggars did with their cast-off clothes. fty\l\ at im-i iditioiJ^ it had I ERROLD one day ordered a bottle of old port, /x " Not elder port," he added. 190 Jeux d' Esprit. / it true," inquired somebody of Horace I Walpole, " that George Whitfield has I recanted ?" " No," answered Horace ; " he | has only canted." 1OMEBODY observed to Lord Chesterfield that \ mankind was the only creature possessed \ of Jhje_jrjpjv^_jif__laughter. " Yes, and perhaps the only one that ^deserves to be laughed at," said the li HEN Sheridan moved into Saville Row (not without the help of his friends) he boasted to one of his relations how carefully he was living, and declared that his affairs were going on like clock-work. " That I can easily imagine," was the reply all tick-tick-tick ! "^ IMfeffalF all the bores whom man in his folly hesitates Usai to hang, and Heaven in its mysterious wisdom suffers to propagate their species, the most insufferable is the teller of" good stories.^ DE QUINCEY. \ Jeux d' Esprit. 191 " iBH WONDERw h et h er Vauxhall Bridge pays?" |pS3.Dl| inquired Lord William Lennox of Theo- dore Hook. " Go over it, and you'll be tolled," answered Theodore. {/ YRON thought Samuel Rogers's epigram on Ward (Lord Dudley) unsurpassable : " Ward has no heart, they say ; but I deny it. He foz-f a heart, and gets his speeches by it." tifcu LEXANDRE DUMAS THE IVOUNGER said of his father (who was a Creole). " My father has so much vanity thjiJ: he in i|iiilr"n|iii1ili (^ getting up behind his own carriage to makejl people believe he has a negro footman." jjORD SHELBURNE could say the most pro- voking things and yet seem quite uncon- scious of their being so. In one of his speeches, alluding to Lord Carlisle, he said, " The noble lord has written a comedy." " No, a tragedy," interrupted Lord Carlisle. " Oh, I beg \f pardon ; _/ thought it was a comedy .\/ /\ 1 92 Jeux d' Esprit. EPIGRAM. fiS^!] MECHANIC his labour will often discard ^^ |taBa,Bi If the rate of his pay he dislikes ; ^ But a clock and its case is uncommonly hard Will continue to work though it strikes. THOMAS HOOD. N old lady one day tired poor Charles Lamb by singing the praises of some dissenting** minister, and wound up with, " I speak of him thus because I know him, bless him ! " "^Well, M f VxtJ don't," said Lamb ; " I^on't butjd n him at ji i ^||T^|EGUE, Bishop of Oxford, rashly invited a PH^fl couple of wits, Carfaing and Frere, to hear the first sermon after his appointment. " Well," said he to Canning, " how did you like it ? "".Why, I thought it rather short."" Oh yes, I'm aware it was short; but I was afraid of being tedious." " Oh, you were tedious," said \X Canning. r h v\- f\ . I Jeux d' Esprit. 193 jft'effijl URING Sheridan's last illness the medical tUlflj attendants, apprehending that they would be obliged to perform an operation on asked him if he had ever undergone one. "Never," he replied, "^except sitting for mv picture and Y having my hair cut." ]HEN Lady Cork gave a P^rty at which she wore an ^fl^rmr" 1 ^ p 1x ^r Jekyll said that C she was pva^tly ]{^-e a .shiittlerpck all Cork A A 1 and feathers. 1AYNE KNIGHT was a bad listener, life he became very deaf, want of practice," explained Samuel I Rogers."""" ""["TT"^ C ^ / J C** ^ rgspgiAMUEL ROGERS had candles placed higr^up P^SH all round his dining-room in order to show off the pictures. He one day asked Sydney Smith how he liked -the plan. "Not at all," was the answer; " above, there is a blaze of light, and j below, nothing but darkness and gnashing of I teeth." < \ 194 Jeux d' Esprit. HAVE seen in Islington churchyard an epitaph to an infant who died L ' > LAMB'S " LETTERS." . X /T> ' i { N taking rooms in Russell Street, Covent Garden, Lamb says, in a letter to Miss Wordsworth, "We are in the individual spot I like best in all this great city. The theatres ,* with all their noises ; Covent Garden, dearer to me than any gardens of Alcinous, where we are morally sure of the earliest pear and 'sparagus ; Bow Street, where the thieves are examined, within few yards of us. Mary had not been here four- and-twenty hours before she saw a thief. She sits at the window working, and, casually throwing out her eyes, she sees a concourse of people coming this way, with a constable to conduct the solemnity. These little incidents agreeably diversify a female 'Esprit. _^ (< pjfi\ "WIDOW MALON$. ID ye hear of the Widow Malon pfTnne Who lived in the town of Aljilone, V^x^" Alone ?. Oh, she melted the hearts Of the swains ij^-tnem parts ; So lovely the Widow Malone, ^^^Ho the Widow Malone. Of lovers she had a full score, And fortunes they all had galore) I (From the minister down To the clerk of the Crown, All were courting the Widow Malone, -!l2, ne! , Uv*t f<^ All were courting the Widow Malone. S "* . -^ V^ fymfll*" But so modest was Mrs. Malone, \^ ^ T\wfe knowrT, ~ ^ ^v<\ That no one could see her alone, ^^ /* 1 ST 196 Jeux d' Esprit. Let them ogle and sigh They could ne'er catch her eye ; So bashful the Widow Malone, Ohone ! So bashful the Widow Malone. Till one Mister O'Brien from Clare, How quare ! Tis little for blushing they care Down there ; flit his aj-m round her waist, Gave ten kisses at laste, lone, My own." Says he, " You're my Molly Malone." And the widow they all thought so shy My eye ! Never thought of a simper or sigh ; For why ? " Oh, Lucius," said she, " Since ye've now made so free, ^^ You may marry your Mary Malone, Your own ; You may marry your Mary Malone." Jeux d'Esprit. 197 There's a moral contained in my song, Not wrong ; And one comfort it's not very long, But strong ; If for widows you die, ^/ Learn to kiss not to sigh, \* For they're all like sweet n^rnr **-' ! X^ Oh, they're all like sweet mistress Malone ! CHARLES LEVER. u THOMAS HOOD. I AMES HARE was one day conversing with I General Fitzpatrick, when the latter thr/w I some doubt upon the report that Burgoyne I had been defeated at Saratoga. " You may be S right in your opinion/' said Hare, " but you can take it from me as^a flying rumour." IB^lHEODORE HOOK described the game of leap-V PJal frog by the renowned names of Stern-hold/ \\/ and Hopkins. f\ d' Esprit. 203 V 'Ffffra] ENRY FLOOD, in the course of some dqbate, I.B.l| inadvertently referred to Grattan as his "Jn op pnga V>IP fn'^nri " Grattan sprang upon his legs and indignantly exclaimed, "Whom does the_ honourable gentleman call his friend ? Not me, surely ? I'd spit on him in a desert." ^ |ig'Ej|HE ^arquis de "Rievre one of the most famous IBUJill among French punsters/ had a servant- girl named Ines in his^mployment She proved so clumsy and brAtae so much crockery, that her master bestowed upon her the historical name of Ines de Casse-trop. |YDNEY SMITH, lying on his death-bed in a state of great prostration, declared he felt vy so feeble that if anybody we/e to lend him a knife he_would ^r-arr^ly be ab^Xo stick it into a Dissenter. y |||i|]OB says, "Why/ should a living man com- r\ \Wu!M\ plain ? " I neally don't know, except it be that a ^o^/nan can't. BYRON'S "DIARY." f 204 Jeux d' Esprit. 3 ik VI ' V BREITMANWS PARTY. 1*1 ANS BREITMANN gife a barty, SJ Dey had biano-blayin'. ^^ ^,_ I felled in lofe mit a Merican fraiff; Her name vas Madilda Yane. She hat haar as prown ash a pretzel, Her eyes vas himmel-plue ; Und yen dev looket indo mine r Etey shplit mine heart in two. stzel, \ Hans Breitmann gife a barty, I vent dere, you'll pe pound. I valtzet ffiit Mfl Hl ' M " v ~ Und vent shpinnen round und round. De pootiest fraulein in de house, She vayed 'pout dwo hoondred pound ; Und efery dime she gife a shoomp She make de vindows sound. Hans Breitmann gife a barty, I dells you it cost him dear. *^" Dey roll'd in more ash sefen kecks Of foost-rate Lager Bier. / Jeux d* Esprit. 205 du Liiuuk. d I dinks dat so vine a barty v^ Nefer coom to a het dis year \\ . l\ Hans Breitmann gife a barty ; Der vas all Souse and Brouse ; v ^ A^ n dr r -, r -m-H in rfc p-nmnany Y .!** 1- /) Did make 'ufcl Dey ate das Brot and Gensy broost, De Bratwurst and Braten fine ; Und vash der Abendessen down Mit four parrels of Neckarwein. Hans Breitmann gife a barty, 1 We all cot troonk ash bigs. \ I poot mine mout to a parrel .of bier | Und emptied it oop mit a schwigs. \ Und den I gissed TTnH Und de gompanv fited mi Dill de goonshtable made oos shtop. Hans Breitmann gife a barty ! Where ish dat barty now ? 206 Jeux d' Esprit. jsh de lofely golden cloud Dat float on de moundain's prow Where ish de himmelstrahlende Ster De shtar of de shpirit's light ? All goned afay mit de Lager Bier j Afay in de ewigkeit ! CHARLES G. LELAND. |BSURD images are sometimes irresistible. I will mention two. An elephant in a coach- office, gravely coming to have his trunl booked ; a mermaid over a fish-kettle, cooking her own tail. ELIA'S "TABLE TALK." |N oyster is very anomalous, and, for example in this that you must take it out of bed \Jf before you can tuck it in. "" THOMAS HOOD. gunp ]HEY say a parson invented gunpowder; but t till one is married. DOUGLAS JERROLD. one cannot believe it till one is married. ^"* V Jeux d' Esprit. 207 UP THE RHINE. | HY, tourist, why With passports have to do ? Pr'ythee stay at home and pass The port and sherry too.^^*- Why, tourist, why Embark for Rotterdam ? Pr'ythee stay at home and take * Thy Hollands in a dram, tf* Why, tourist, why To foreign climes repair ? Pr'ythee take thy German flute And breathe a German air. Why, tourist, why The Seven Mountains view ? Any one at home can tint A hill with Prussian Blue. Why, tourist, why To old Colonia's walls ? Sure, to see a Wren-ish dome, "^ One needn't leave St. Paul's. THOMAS HOOD. l-p* 208 Jeux d' Esprit. AMUEL FOOTE was much bored by a pomp physician at Bath, who told him that thought of publishing his own poems, had so many irons in the fire that he really didn't know what to do. " Take my advice, doctor," said * Foote, " and put your poems where your irons^are/'V ugly and very disagreeable man sat facing Jerrold at a dinner-party, when the \ latter accidentally broke a glass before the r\ cloth was removed. The plain gentleman, thinking 1 1 to be hugely smart, said, "What, already, Jerrold ?| j Well, 7 never break a glass." " I wonder at that," was the reply ; " you ought to, whenever you look HE land tortoise has two enemies, rrfan ana the boa-constrictor. Man takes him home and roasts him, and the boa-constrictor swallows him whole, shell and all, and consumes | him slowly in the interior, as the Court of Chancery does a reat estate. SYDNEY SMITH. d' Esprit. |NE day, while Hook was delighting and A astonishing some friends with his im- / \j provised songs, the maid announced that . -^ , Mr. Winter, the tax-collector, had called. Hook L-** immediately dashed into the following verse : ,S\ -^l v Here comes Mr. Winter, collector of taxes ; s\ I advise you to give him whatever he axes L^-"*' v He isn't the man to stand nonsense or flummery, 1 (% fo For though his name's Winter, his actions arp / summary. HERIDAN, being on a Parliamentary com- mittee, one day entered the room when all the members were seated and ready to begin business. Seeing no vacant place, he looked round the table and said, "Will anv g-entlp-nan move that I may take the chair ? " N said of an acquaintance whose expres- |?Ja| sion of countenance was peculiarly grave and solemn, "Whenever I see smiles unon that man's face, they remind me of the tin clasps on an oaken coffin." p TL. 0\ I ^ *-- X (, ^ w <- - <^ d' HARLES LAMB writesx as follows to Miss Wordsworth concerning a mutual friend. " He is going/to turn Sj)ber, but his clock r has not strucjfc yejjff ^-Meantime he goblet after goblet, the second to see where the jirst is gon< the third to see that no harm happens tojthre second, a fourth to say there is another coming, and a fifth to say he is not sure that he is the last" I |OMEBODY told George Colman that a certain actor, by the death of his wife, " had suffered a loss he would not soon be to make up" Colman drily said, " To tell jtruth. I don't believe that he has quarrelled h^s_loss yet." llyoutheJf illed with] I fs^jHE Germans for learning enjoy great repute,*^ |^.^[ But the English make letters still more their pursuit ; For a Cockney will go from the banks of the Thames bM^ N *5 To Cologne for an O and to Nassau for J/'s. THOMAS HOOD. URING the war-panic that seized us near the beginning of the century a certain corpora- war-panic tnat seized us near me r^ r of the century a certain corpora- I * tion offered to raise a volunteer corps on CjA- \ the condition of receiving an assurance from Mr. Pitt that they should not have to leave the country, and serve abroad. The minister accepted the offer, j and in reply to the request wrote, " I that they shall not be called upon to leave the _ \t V "<-v except in case ot invasion .^"" rrsSpijilE beautiful Lady Coventry was one day . IJJjiil exhibiting to George Selwyn a splendicUr*" new dress, covered with round silver I spangles, and inquired how he Jfked her taste. I "Why," he said, "you will be change for a guinea!" * I/ IF an earthquake were to engulf England morrow, the survivors would manage to meet and dine somewhere amongst the rubbish, just to celebrate the event. DOUGLAS JERROLD. ! |N talking about phrenology, John Poole said |1 that he supposed a drunkard had a barrel \\ orpn. ^ I x \ . 212 Jeux d' Esprit. THE LEGEND OF DRACHENFELS. A LAY OF THE ANCIENT RHINE. | ING GILIBALDUS sits at lunch beneath the linden trees, But very nervous does he seem, with spirits ill at ease ; For first of all he pulls this ear, and then he rubs that hair, His sandwich and a splendid glass of ale he can- not bear ; Nor aught beside they can provide, because monster dread Has sent to say without delay he must the Prin- cess wed. To speak unto his courtiers the monarch doth not choose, Until that monster has been hung and they have brought the noose. The monster is a Dragon of more hideous shape and mien Than any canvas-covered, wicker-basket huge machine Jeux d* Esprit. 213 That Mr. Bradwell ever built at merry Christmas time, To be put on by Payne or Stilt in some gay panto- mime. A vast aerial courier he, part fish part beast part bird ; A flying ichthyosaurus of which Mantel never No eye might look upon his form., deepest awe ; His maw (or craw^ for victuals raw his iaw and Siegfried the Scaly, one of stalwart form and height (In Germany, all through the year, he was the longest knight), The Niebelungen hero, as some call him, Sea-egg fried, Of noble fame, set forth to claim the Princess for his bride. He rode beneath proud Stromberg's walls, where Gilibald held state And kept up his old mansion at a bountiful old rate; 214 Jeux d' Esprit. __ _ x _ Or rather at no rate at all, for none would he e'er pay, B H f a l wa y g fu fi^ ,. tn rn ii another day ; And if the wretched wight returned, they got Tiim ill a line, Then tied a millstone round his neck and sent him Sir Siegfried the Scaly played a solo on his horn That Puzzi might have envied, but the greeting was forlorn ; For that same morn at break of dawn the had been there, And carried off the Princess as she walked to the air. He wound his tail about her waist, his tail so large *F and long ; As restless as repealer Dan's in mischief quite as strong. Then, like a rocket shooting up, by dint of magu^ spells He bore her to his mountain home on craggy / Drachenfels. H " Now welcome, brave Sir Siegfried ! " King Gili- bald did say ; " I am so glad to see you, more especially to-day. Jeux d' Esprit. 215 You may command my daughter's hand, and with it half-a-crown, i V X If you will climb the DracryEnfels and bring her Df safely down." \J The Dragon after dining was indulging in a nap, His tinsel'd head reclining in the poor Princess's lap; When Siegfried the Scaly, with his good sword .Balamung, >t Just ground for the occasion, up the rocky moun- tain sprung. And for the sword's free use, in truth, there also JX* was just ground ; This Dragon long had been the curse of all country round. But now he jumped upon his feet, awakened by the tread, His nostrils belching out fierce flames to fill the knight with dread, And but for the opinion that both coarse and low the phrase is We might have said Sir Siegfried was going fast to blazes ! 4 216 Jeux d' Esprit. But chival and might prevailed, the Dragon soon was sl__ , And Siegfried the Princess bore to Stromberg bac^r again. The bells were rung, the mass was sung, and ere the close of day King Gilibaldus to the knight his daughter away. On those wild heights Sir Siegfried his future home did fix, And there a fortress proud of stone he built as right ^as bricks. About the ruins which exist each guide his version tells; But this is the correct account of castled Drachen- fels. ALBERT SMITH. jgr|]ACK BANNISTER, the comedian, had been IHLHI brought up as an artist. Long after he had made his name on the stage an old friend expressed some wonder that he should have changed his profession, and remarked, " You promised so well, Jack." The answer was " Yes, but I've been performing ever since." s, * Jeux d' Esprit. 217 jjETELLUS is a lover ; one whose ear, I have been told, is duller than his sight. The day of his departure had drawn near ; And (meeting her beloved over-night) Softly and tenderly Corinna sighed : " Won't you be quite as happy, now, without me?" Metellus in his innocence replied, > " Corinna ! oh Corinna ! Can you donot me? " V W. S. LANDOR. Daniel O'Connell, while conducting a 'Affl case before Lord Norbury, observed, > " Pardon, my lord, I am afraid your lord- ^r H ship does not apprehend me," the Chief-Justice (alluding to a report that Q'Connell had avoided a I duel by surrendering himself to the police) retorted. I "Pardon me, 1c ^ j lift flf?** e apprehended." SEXTON in Salisbury Cathedral told that eight people had dined at the top the spire. Charles remarked^ that they must have been very sharp set. "\& 218 / Jeux&Esprit. H|]ORD fcty^QK addressed .as follows a dis- Hsfl| hoijest butler who had been convicted of stealing large quantities of wine from his master's cellar : " Prisoner at the bar, you stand convicted*^ on the most conclusive evidence of a cri pressible atrocity, a crime that defiles the and is calculated to strike alarm Jpto the breast of every Englishma*r invests largely in the choicer vintages ofc^* Southern Europfc. Like the serpent of old, you lave stung the hai\d of your protector. Fortunate in having a generou\ employer, you might without/ dishonesty have continued to supply your wretched : and children with'N the comforts of sufficient prosperity, and even with some of the luxuries 9^^ affluence ; but, jjead to every claim o f paf-m-sll affection and-JjHnd to your own real interest, youl morality, and have for many years been feathering ( I your nest with your master's bottles." X I HE sign of the "Three Ravens" at Sutton suggested to Theodore Hook the reflection that the landlord of the house must be raven mad." Jeux d' Esprit. 219 IN the day following the first representation of " L'Ami des ^prrLfnpg^" a comedy by Alexandre Dumas (the second), the author's father sent him a note, congratulating him on the- success of his piece, and volunteering his own col- laboration on some future one. The note closed with a somewhat grandiloquent phrase desire to see my credentials, they are to in ' Monte Christo ' and ' The Three The son replied, "Even were I ignorant of thei jreat works you mention, I should gladly accept/ ^J pour offer, ory, account of the high opinioamiyfathernr* > L* adently entertamsofj^ou." \ J : " If you jl be found // slfpfpprs ' " I |HOMAS HOOD one day, tempting Charles Lamb to dine with him, said, " We have a hare." " And many friends ? " inquired Lamb. PLUL JviihL oncjcs . \\\ . .the_ grave ^ arc They seem like birds, to repose better o one leg. DOUGLAS JERROLD X 22O Jeux d' Esprit. His is a very impartial country for justice," said Sam. "Xhere ain't a magistrate^ going as don't commit hisself twice ^asii X often as"Ee commits other people." PICKWICK. ORD PALMERSTON, during his last attack of gout, exclaimed playfully to his medical adviser, "^Die, my oar doctor.? That's the 1 .- t^.last thing I think of doing," A -T / asserts /that the phrase " republic of is used " to insinuate that, taking the whpie tribe of authors together, they have not asovereign amongst them. IEORGE COLMAN, on declining to write verse in a lady's album, was asked the ground of his objection. He opened the book and wrote : The Muse and I, ere youth and fancy Sat up together many a night, no doubt But now I've sent the poor old girl to bed. The reason is, my fire is going out. I Jeux d' Esprit. 221 |ORD CHELMSFORD was walking down St. James's Street, when a stranger accosted him, saying, " Mr. Birch, I believe ? " " If you believe that, sir, you'll believe anything, replied the ex-chancellor as he passed on. OTE replied to somebody who spoke of his horse in terms of disparagement, horse, sir ? WJiy, I can warrant it to stan still faster than yours can gallop." |N hearing that an acquaintance had hurried I across to the Continent in order to avoid I his importunate creditors, George Selwyn said, ILIt is a pass-over that will not be relished by the Jews." JOOK was writing at the Garrick when a r procession passed with a band. "What's all that?" he asked, without looking up. "ft. jemperance procession. " was the answer. "What nonsense!" he exclaimed; " / don't make such a row when I get sober." A-/ 222 Jeux d* Esprit. SAD MEMORIES. |Ea'aj|HEY tell me I am beautiful ; they praise my ||||>!! silken hair, My little feet that silently slip on fronr/ **"^ stair to stair : They praise my pretty trustful face and innocent grey eye ; Fond hands caress me oftentimes, yet would that might die ! Why was I born to be abhorred of man and bird and beast ? The bullfinch marks me stealing by, and straight )( "his song lidlli LCctsril . The shrewmouse eves me shuddenngly. then flees ; y^ and, worse than that, The housedog he flies after me why was I born a W Men prize the heartless hound who quits dry^yed his native land ; Who drajry; a rpfrrpnaiy j^il and licks a tyrant hand. Je^lx d y Esprit. 223 The leal true cat they prize not, that if e'er compelled to roam J3till flies, when le^ out of the hay, precipitatel .home. They call me cruel. Do I know if mouse or bird feels ? I only know they make me light and salutary meals : And if, as 'tis my nature to, ere I devour I teaze 'em, Why should a low-bred gardener's boy pursue with a besom ? Should china fall or chandeliers, or anything but stocks Nay, stocks, when they're in flower-pots the expects hard knocks : Should ever anything be missed milk, umbrellas, brandy The cat's pitched into with a boot, or any thing * that's handy. " T remember, I remember," how one night I " fleeted by," And gained the blessed tiles and gazed into the cold clear sky. 224 Jeux d' Esprit. " I remember, I remember, how my little lovers came ; " ./ And there, beneath the crescent moon, played / many a little game. They fought by good St. Catherine, 'twas a fear- some sight to see ^The coal-black crest, the glowering orbs, of one\/ gigantic He. Like bow by some tall bowman bent at Hastings or Poictiers, His huge back curved till none observed a vestige 1 1 of his ears. He stood, an ebon crescent, floating that ivory moon ; Jhen raised the pibroch of Mis race, the Song with- Gleamed his white teeth, his mammoth tail waved darkly to and fro, As with one complex yell he burst, all claws, upon the foe. It thrills me now, that final Miaow that weird, unearthly din : Lone maidens heard it far away and leaped out of their skin. Jeux d' Esprit. 225 A potboy from his den o'erhead peeped with a /P scared wan face ; Then sent a random brickbat down, which knocked me into space. Nine days I fell, or thereabouts ; and, had we not nine lives, I wis I ne'er had seen again thy sausage-shop,*^ St. Ives ! Had I, as some cats have, nineta^ls, how gladly would I lick * ^ The hand, and person generally, of him who heav'd if that brick ! For me they fill the milkbowl up, and cull choice sardine ; But ah ! I never more shall be the cat I once have been ! The memories of that fatal night, they haunt me even now : In dreams I see that rampant He^and tremble at that Miaow ! C. S. CALVERLEY. **3M 'eux d 'Esprit. HARLES LAMB had a very clumsy servai He said once to his sister, " Mary, I believe that girl would break the Bank of England ran up against it." f J/r< |N "--the presence of UErrold somebody was talking of Mr. Fitzoall, the dramatist, and called him "tr\e_English Victor Hugo." 'You mean," said Jerrold, " the Victor No-go." HEN a oosal was made to lay aM:ax _upn Sheridan declared it wotrld^e unfair, as jthey could not meet to remon- I! strate. FLETCHER courtesy was NORTON, whose want -of notorious, happened, while Mansfield on some pleading betore Lord question of manorial right, to say, "My lord, I can I illustrate the point in an instant in my own person, p ^ myself have two little manors." " We all know \ it, Sir Fletcher," interposed the judge with one of /> his blandest smiles. Jeux d' Esprit. 227 writer of a novel should suffer his hero to have a black eye or be pulled by the The "Iliad" would never have come down to these times if Agamemnon had given Achilles a ""' box on the ear. We should have trembled for the "yneid " if any Tyrian nobleman had kicked tlm V " pious ^Eneas in the fourth book. ^Eneas may have deserved it, but he could not have founded the Roman Empire after so distressing an accident. SYDNEY SMITH. |EWARE f " says Thomas Hood, "of a blind man for he will sflflke soon as look at you." I EN_ you're a married man, Samivel^i you understand a good^many tilings as_v. jion't understand now JbariTvether it's worth_ while going through so much to learn so little, as the charity boy said.ven he gfot to the end of the alphabet, is a matter o^tasje. I rayther thinjc it isn't." DICKENS'S " PICKWICK." \ I-*** . 228 Jeux d'Esprit. |T being suggested on one occasion to Lamb that he probably would refuse to sit down to a meal with the Italian witnesses at ,Queen Caroline's trial, he asserted that he woyjd sit with anything except a hen or a tailor. SMITH, advocating the extension- of I^Sil toleration in Scotland, thus describes the effects of it in earlier times : " With a little oatmeal for food and a little sulphur for friction, allaying cutaneous irritation with one hand and holding his Calvinistic creed in the other, Sawney ran away to his flinty hills sung his psalm out of tune his own way nd listened to I his sermon of two hours long amidlthe rough an imposing melancholy of the tallest tmstles." HEN Thelwall was on his trial for high treason he wrote the following note, during the evidence for the prosecution, and sent it over to Erskine, his counsel : " I am deter- mined to plead my cause myself." Erskine wrote under it, " If .you dovou'll be hanged ; " to which Thelwall replied, " Then I'll belianged if I do." SFT/WVN'S morbid., passion for public* * executions and similar horrors became I f\ nntnrinns ^H* paid a visit to Lord Hol- land while the latter was on his deathbed. When j^ 1 his lordship was told that Mr. Selwyn had called, he said, " Should he come again, please^to shQW*^^ .. -v up. _ If I_am alive I shall be happy to see . ^M V^^ /_. (/I. |S. y f/l ^ ^/ ^ f" ^ relish p I j * \o r ?/u: 232 Jeux d' Esprit. Opinions vary. The late Mr. Hellish Could never abide it He thought it vile And coxcombical. My friend the poet-laureat, ^ Who is a great lawyer at Anything comical, \ Was the first who tried it ; \ But Mellish could never abide it. )/ y^Ml ,M..nfiMliMl wWM.H^^HA^ t \ A TWsfflQ** h* dead. For who can confute \ u- *-*| A K^y fU^f'o fr.i.j-g. ? } \ \ V^ \V* Or who would fight With a senseless sprite ? Ail impenetrable old That's dead and gone v And stiff as stone, \ To cnvince him with arguments pro and con. As if some live logician Bred up at Merton, con ft h -> Jeux d' Esprit. 233 Or Mr. Hazlitt, the metaphysician ?X^ Hey, Mr. Ayrton ? With all your rare tone ! For tell me, how should an apparition List to your call, Though you talked for ever,l | Ever so clever ; When his ear itself>^ By which he must hear, or not hear at Is laid on the shelf ?" Or put the case (For more grace), It were a female spectre r ^ How could you expect her To take much gust In long speeches, _tQagueas dr 3*; duf In Where no peaches. Nor lemons, nor limes, nor oranges hang, To drop on the drought of an arid harangue, Or quench With their sweet drench \ 234 Jeux d' Esprit. The fiery pangs which the worms inflict, With their endless nibblings, ^ Like quibblings, . --"" Which the corpse may dislike but can ne'er contra- dict Hey, Mr. Ayrton ? With all your rare tone ! I am, C. LAMB. /, OW does your horse answer ? " inquired the Duke of Cumberland of George Selwyn. " I really don't know," George replied ; have never asked him a question." [ALLEYRAND was enjoying his rubber one day at the Travellers' Club when the conversa- tion turned upon the recent marriage of an elderly lady of respectable rank. " How ever could Madame de make such a match ? A person of her birth to marry a valet-de-chambre /" " Ah ! " said Talleyrand, " it was Jate in the game. nine we don't reckon was Jate hgnouy' ' d' Esprit. 235 PARODY. \ JN o > Vl |OT a jw/ had he got not a guinea or note And he looked confoundedly flurried, As he bolted away without paying his 'shot, C V^ *"" And the landlady after him hurried. We saw him again at dead of night, When home from the club returning ; We twigged trie doctor beneath the light ' Of the gas-lamp brilliantly burning. I vJ All bare and exposed to the midnight dews, Reclined in a gutter we found him ; ^ I And he looked like a gentleman taking a snooze S ^^ With his Marshall cloak around him. " The doctor's as drunk as the d ," we said, And we managed a shutter to borrow ; We raised him, and sighed at the thought that his head Would consumedly ache on the morrow. Jeux d' Esprit. VI 4 We bore him home, and we put him to bed, / And we told his wife and his daughter To give him next morning a couple of red I Herrings with soda-water. Loudly they talked of his money that's gone And his lady began to upbraid him ; But little he recked, so they let him snore o 'Neath the counterpane, just as we laid him V X < im.X We tucked him in, and had hardly done When, beneath the window calling, We heard the rough voice of a son of a gun P*^ ^'^Lrv^U [_ Of a watchman bawling. ? \Slowly and sadly we all walked down \ From his room on the uppermost story ; A rushlight we placed on the cold hearth-stone, And we left him alone in his glory ! RICHARD H. BARHAM. [irapiR. JERNINGHAM has lately written a tragedy [5&/Ul| and a farce ; both extremely well spoken of by the reviewers, and both gone to the ^-cooks'. NOTE TO GIFFORU'S " MCEVIAD." \/ [HEN Home Tooke appeared before the com- missioners of income-tax, to account for the return he had made, they decl themselves dissatisfied with the amount set down He told them that he had much more cause to b dissatisfied with it than they. One of the com missioners, having asked him some question declared very peevishly that he could not under->T| stand his answer. "Then." said Home Tooke, I i" as you have not half the understanding of any ther man, you should have at least double the [patience." ORD CHESTERFIELD, when Lord-Lieutenant L in Ireland, being asked one day^whomjie I thought the greatest man in the country, I answered, "The last man who has arrived from / England, be he who he may." |OMEBODY stated in Talleyrand's presence that Chateaubriand was beginning to complain of growing deaf. " He thinks himself deaf," remarked the cynic, " because he no longer hears ^jf himself talked about." X A ^ 238 Jeux d 'Esprit. |T a club dinner of artists a barrister present, having his health drunk in connection with> the law, began an embarrassed answer \py saying that he didyhot see how the law could be considered one of\^ne arts. Jerrold quickly jerked^/ in the word black*_ax\&. sent the company intoX^ convulsions. ORD THURLOW, while at the bar, met a barrister one morning who accosted him with, " Oh, I am told that the barmaid at Nando's has a little baby." "What the mischief is that to me ? " " But," pursued the barrister, hear the child is yours." " Then what the mischief is that " 1 1 ief j/T LOOMFIELD, Bishop of London, was to have dined one evening with a party where Sydney Smith was a guest. Before dinner a note arrived, saying that he was unable to keep his appointment, a dog having rushed out of the owd and bitten him in the leg. When the noil was read aloud, Smith observed, " I should to hear the dog's account of the story." Jeux d' Esprit. 239 EPIGRAM. matches are all made in Heaven, Yet Hymen (who mischief oft hatches) Sometimes deals with the house t'other side of the way, / And there they make Lucifer matches. SAMUEL LOVER. | HE beautiful Duchess of Gordon being one day in conversation with Henry Erskine, I he inquired, " Is your grace never coming 1^^ back to live among us at EdjjrtSurgh ? " She^T answered, " No, it is a vile dull place." Erskine retorted, " Madam/the sun might as well say, ' This is a vile dnll morning ; I will not rise to- \( day.' " v RCHBISHOP WHATELY had an acquaintance who invariably closed hfa fi y fTl f fftyje of all jme tilting blades. Feeling, ere you've breakfasted, a bullet through your body pass, nd cursing, then, your cruel fate, and look very like an ass. Popped into a coffin, just as dead as suits your time of life ; Paragraphed in papers, too, as " cut off in the prime of life." When the earth you're under Just a nine days' wonder, And the world jogs on again, exactly as before. r, tilting, igh L ing ; Calling, falling, 243 ^Swearing, tearing, .JLy-iagr^iag. Cenotaphed and paragraphed, /I And reckoned n n itfi r>rp Oh, Love, you've been a villain since the* days of Troy and Helen, When you caused the fall of Paris, and of very many more. J. R. PLANCH& SMITH, describing his domestic ar- rangements at Foston, says : On state \^ occasions Jack Robinson, my carpenterfT| takes off his apron and waits ; he does pretty well, \ ;but sometimes naturally makes arnistake and \ X. sticks a gimlet into the bread instead oi a, tork. IIVAROL/ meeting M. de Florian one day, observed a manu/cript sticking from one of h/s pockets, and warned him as follows : f" Take fare, my dear sir, or somebody who doesn' know ifrho you are may be wicked enough to rob : t if ' /fr ~t V 244 Jeux d' Esprit. jBWdl URING the first representation of a three-act P.||L| comedy by Henry J. Byron at one of the Liverpool theatres, the author watched the progress of the piece from a private box occupiejj-^ by some literary friends. The interval between the second and last acts was of considerable duration, rendered more noticeable by a loud and obstinate sound of sawing which came from behind the scenes. " What are they doing, Byron ? " asked a companion, astonished at the persistency of the! noise. " I'm sure I don't know," replied the author,! in a tone of comic despair, " unless they are cutting* ^ down the third act." I II T Js my inherent faith that the ocean was expressly created to keep nations as much . as possible separate ; but that the cou- rageous wickedness of man has set at nought the benevolent-design ot JNature, and, to her astonish- ment, hXs triumphed in the very teeth of sea-sick- nessXThe sea was intended to keep people to themselves ; but the human heart is wicked, and en became ship-builders. /^*\ DOUGLAS JERROLD. I) Jeux d> Esprit. ^ ^ [& ? ^ ii ON IDA PFEffFFER. |HROUGH regions by ^ld men and cannibals haunted \Old Dame Ida Pf^ffer goes lone and undaunted ; But bleste you ! the risk's no\ so great as it's reckoned : She's too piain for the first and too\ough for the second. \ JAMES HAI EORGE SELWYN was very much annoyed one ist of May by chimney-sweepers who were clamorously surrounding and persecutin him. In short, they would not let him go until they had forced money from him. At length he made them a low bow and said, " Gentlemen, I . have often heard of the majesty of the people ; I presume your highnesses are in court mourning." V I I/ |T's an undeniable fact, plain people alwavs^C^ praise the beauties of the mind. ^r DION BOUCICAULT. 246 Jeux d'Esprit. AN EXPLANATION. (BY ONE OF THE LIVERY.) Ijppljl AYS Bhie and Buff to Drab and Pink, [Bgl " I've heard the hardest word, I think, That ever posed me since my teens ; I wonder what Asbestos means ! " Says Drab and Pink to Blue and Buff, " The word is clear and plain enough ; It means a Nag wot goes the pace, I And so as best os wins the race." THOMAS HOOD. |HY does the operation of hanging kill 'a man ? " asked Archbishop Whately one day. A physiologist present replied, " Because inspiration is checked, circulation \sS stopped, and the blood suffuses and congests the brain." " Nonsense," remarked his grace ; " it is because the rope is not long enougn to let jiis feet touch the ground." Jeux d' Esprit. 247 THE POPLAR. | YE, here stands the Poplar, so tall and so stately, [then On whose tender rind 'twas a little one We carved her initials, though not very lately ; We think in the year eighteen hundred and ten. Yes, here is the G which proclaimed Georgiana- Our heart's empress then see, 'tis grown askew ; And it's not without grief we perforce entertain a Conviction it now looks much more like a Q. ^ This should be the great D, too, that once stood for Dobbin Her loved patronymic ah ! can it be so ? Its once fair proportions Time, too, has been robbing. A D f We'll be Deed if it isn't an O ! Alas ! how the soul sentimental it That thus on our labours stern frown ; Should change our soft liquids to izzards and Xes, And turn true love's alphabet all upside down. ~~ KICHARD J-i. BARHAM. 248 Jeux d' Esprit. ^W OOD supplied the Duke of Devonshire with a list of odd titles for sham volumes in a library. Among them are the following : LcOn Cutting off Heirs with a Shilling. By Barber \ Beaumont. ^^* Percy Vere. In\dO volumes. Tadpoles ; or, Tales out of my own Head. Maltha's Attack te Infantry-l^Lf"' The Life of Zimmermann. By Himself. ^ Pygmalion. By Lord Bacon. , .-K Dirge on the Death of Wolfe. By Lar Haughtycultural Remarks on London. ^ Voltaire, Volney, Volta. 3 Vote. Barrow on the Common Weal. )f Campaigns of the Brit. Arm. By one of the Ger-JF man Leg. Recollections of Bannister. By Lord Stair. lUSflt^ Remarks on Swearing. ~ In-i-go on Secret Entrances. W ^>* | HE brilliant Sophie Arnould, hearing of all Capuchin friar who had been eaten by I j y i wolves, exclaimed, " Poor brutes ! Hunger y . X must flndced be a terrible thing ! " Jeux d' Esprit. 249 |F Buffon's son, who turned out considerably less brilliant than might have been expected from his parentage, Rivarol remarked, " He is the weakest chapter of his fatlierV^Natural ^S<^ History.' " DON'T like dogs ; I always expect them to. go mad. A lady asked me once for a motto for her dog Spot. I proposed. " Out, ! " but she did not think it^enti- mental enough. SYDNEY SMITH. IURING the Reign of Terror, Martainville, the dramatist, who was strongly suspected &r leanings towards royalism, found himself J summoned before the revolutionary tribunal. " Your name ? " asked the president, Fouquier Tinville.p The name was given. " It is useless trying to deceive us," proceeded Fouquier ; " you are an t ^aristocrat, and your name is De Martainville." I ^ Citizen President," answered the accused boldly, I was brought here to be cut shorter, not to be mgthened." - s-^ d' Esprit'. THE FOUR GEORGES. EORGE THE FIRST was reckoned vile, Viler George the Second f^ And what mortal ever heard Any good of George the Third i*?"""" \* \J When from earth the Fourth descended. jf\ A --* *-. . . t x-* '^^^^^^^** * idedT WALTER SAVAGE LANDOR. RSKINE observed, on coming into court one day, that Mf\ Balfour, a brother barrister, had his ankle bound up with a silk hand- erchief. "What's the matter, Balfour?" he ired. The sufferer, whose mode of expressing was always very .elaborate, replied : " I was taking Vromantic ramble in my brother's grounds when, coming to a gate I had to climb over it, by (which I came in contact with the first bar and grazed the epidermis of my leg, which has caused a slight extravasation of blood." "You may thank your lucky stars," observed Erskine, " that you d Erskine, " that you I lofty as your style, or I "Saw- ~IJ Jeux d' Esprit. 251 ON SHELLEY'S "PROMETHEUS UNBOUND." jjHELLEY styles his new poem " Prometheus Unbound," And 'tis like to remain so while time circles round; For surely an age would be spent in the finding A reader so weak as to pay for the binding. -* THEODORE HOOK. |NE day at dinner, Curran sat opposite Lord Norbury, who was famous for his severit-N/ as a judge. " Curran," asked Xorbury, " is thai- filing- frppf before you ? " " You try it, my lord," answered Curran, " and it's sure to be." jpUNSELLOR BUSHE (of thejfish bar) after- wards Chief- Justice, rfas asked which member of Mr. Powers d^matic company he most admired. " The prompter." was his reply, " for I heard the most and saw the least of him." 252 . Jeux d 'Esprit. GRAM. (On seeing a full-length po?trait_of Beau Nash between the busts of Newton and Pope atTT3ath). : |MMORTAL Newton never spoke More truth than here you'll find ; Nor Pope himself e'er penned a joke More cruel on mankind. The picture placed these busts between Gives Satire all its strength : Wisdom and Wit are little seen, Fill F ill], .[I full 1m 111 LORD CHESTERFIELD. |NE evening at the house of Madame de Polignac, Rivarol found himself amongst rithrr dull ' mpiny and experimented j upon his listeners bv uttering as mqny n h^-^-| ^ as he could think of. Hearing murmurs of dis-1 appointment and dissatisfaction on all sides, he OAiietly observed, " It is very strange that I cannot / /et fall a foolish remark but everybody in the room! / Vcries out, Stop thief! " t/0 SHOULD say of the metaphysicians what Scaliger said of the (natives of the Basque Provinces : "I am told that they understand \/ each other, but I do not believe it." C*13 A -\lfCT\-D T f\ x7 p / CHAMFORT. ^ J, COUNCIL of ministers having met on important questions, a nobleman inquired of Talleyrand, "What has passed at the \/ council ? " " Three hours," was the answer. JORD ERSKINE, while going circuit, was asked by the landlord of his hotel how he slept. He replied dogmatically, " Union is strength, a fact of which some of your inmates I appear to be unaware ; for, had they been unani- 1 mous last night, they could easily have pushed me* out of bed." " Fleas ? " exclaimed the landlord, ' affecting greayfstonishment, " I was not aware that I had a gingje flea in my house." " I don't believe you ha^e, retorted his lordship ; "they are all niajiEi amili ilies." A Wt/ e, C, Uj i f v L. 254 yfct: d' Esprit, > John! out, John! What are you about If you don't say out at once, you make the fellow doubt, John ! Say I'm out, whoever calls, and hide my hat cane, John !. |^_, v Sav vou've^not the least idea when I shall come a g gt "l T?lin ' ""vy T.et the people leave their bills, but tell them notA to call, John ! Say I'm courting Miss Rupee, and mean to pay^/ * them all, John. Run. John ! run, John ! There^s another dun. John ! I If it's ProdgxT, bid him call to-morrow week at one. | _ John! If he says he saw me at the window as he knocked, ^^ John, Make a face and shake vour head, and tell him you V' are shocked, John! Take your pocket-handkerchief and put it to your I * eye, John ! Say your master's not the man to bid you tell a lie, 1 1 - - 1 I ) Jeux Esprit. 255 Oh, Johii ! go, John ! There's Noodle's knock, I kn 256 Jeux d' Esprit. N Rivarol met his match on one occasion. At the outset of the Revolution the great wit, who had always put forward pretences ^^ to aristocracy, was lamenting the fall of the nobles. " We have lost our rights," said he. The Due de Cre"qui emphatically repeated, " ''W* haw ]f>st- ? " " Do you see anything singular in the phrase ? " demanded Rivarol. " Nothing singular except the y \^ plural," smilingly replied the duke. jORNE TOOKE, being asked by the income-tax commissioners how he could contrive to exist upon less than sixty pounds a year, answered, " There are three ways in which a man can do it by begging, borrowing, or stealing. You may take your choice." HESTERFIELD, speaking of himself and Lord Tyrawley, when both were very old and infirm, said, " The fact is, Tyrawley and I have been dead these two years, but we don't choose to have it known." Jeux d' Esprit. 257 A TRIP TO PARIS. JHEN a man travels he mustn't look queer If he gets a few rubs that he doesn't get here ; And if he to Paris from Calais will stray, I will tell him some things he will meet on his way. Dover heights men like mites ski fiery, cliffery, Shakespeare. Can't touch prog sick as a dog packet 'em,, racket 'em, makes pier. Calais clerks custom-house sharks lurchery, jearcherv. fee ! fee'L On the/tfz'/ cabriolet -clattery, pattery. oui ! oui! Abbeville off goes a wheel hammery, dammery, f.if I frj L, Montreuil look like a fool latery, gatery, shut ! shuU Laup-hinp-. ouaffjrig^ snoozing, boozing, cantering^ bantering, gad about, mad about When a man travels, etc. Ding dong postboy's thong smackery, crackery, gar ! gar ! ~ Soups, ragouts messes and stews hashery, trash- ery, psha ! psha ! s 258 Jeux d' Esprit. Beggar's woes donnez quelque chose howlery. growlerv. sou ! sou ! Crawl like a calf post and a half slugger^, JllflETT pooh! pooh! Saint-Denis custom-house fee lacery, tracery, non, non ! jsilver iio finger on lip feeing 'em, freeing 'em, bon, bon ! Laughing, quaffing, etc. When a man travels, and gets by good luck , To Paris, he stares like a pig that is stuck \^ And, if he's in want of a Guide de Paris, He'd better be quiet and listen to me. Montagne Russe down like a sluice whizzery, dizzery, see saw ! Catacombs ghosts and gnomes bonery, groanery, feefaw! Mille Colonnes queen on her throne flattery chattery, charmant ! Who's to pay ? Beauvilliers suttle 'em, guttle 'em, gourmand ! Saint-Cloud fete of St.-Leu bower 'em, shower 'em, jet deau. Bastille water-work wheel Elephant, elephant, wet oh ! Laughing, quaffing, etc. Jeux d' Esprit. 259 Sol fa Tanta-ra-ra ! Shriekery, squeakery, strum, ^_ strum. Louis d'or couldn't get more packery, backery, glum, glum. Call for bill worse than a pill largery. chargery^ oh! oh! Diligence lessens expense waggon 'em. draggin' 'cm, slow, slow ! Quillacq glad to get back floodery, scuddery, sick, sick ! Now we steer right for the pier over 'em, Dover 'em, quick, quick ! Laughing, quaffing, snoozing, boozing, cantering,'/ bantering, gad about, mad about When a man travels he mustn't look queer If he gets a few rubs that he doesn't get here ; And, if he from Calais to Paris would stray, I've told him the things he will meet on his way. JAMES SMITH. |OGERS was observing one day to Sydney Smith that he should not again sit for his portrait unless he were taken in an attitude of prayer. " Yes." said^SmillgAL-i " wi^h vur face in 260 Jeux d' Esprit. " PIUS AENEAS!" IIRGIL, whose magic verse enthrals, (And who in verse is greater j^*^ By turns his wand'ring hero calls Now //.$ and now pater. But when, prepared the worst to brave (An action that must pain us), Queen Dido meets him in the cave He dubs him dux Trojanus. And well he changes thus the word On that occasion, sure : Pius jEneas were absurd, And pater premature. JAMES SMITH. " ISy^Sl FRIE?sTD f mine," says Lord Erskine, [p&Aii " suffered from ,a._j&iitiliual wakefulness. and various methods were tried to send him to sleep but in vain. At last his physicians resorted to an experiment which succeeded per- fectly. Thev dressed him in a watchman's coatXT jjut a lantern into his handj placed him in a sentry- box, and- he was asleep in ten minutes. Jeux d' Esprit. 261 ]HEN Sydney Smith resided at Edinburgh, a certain gentleman reigned there as para- mount bore r and his favourite subject of conversation was the North Pole. Jeffrey, among others, fled from him whenever he could ; but one,,**"""' day the tormentor met him in a narrow lane (where escape was impossible), and began on the eternal topic. At length Jeffrey could endure it no longer and darted off, crying, "JD n the North Pole|" " My dear fellow," said Smith, trying to soothe the injured bore soon after; "never mind. Nobodyx^ cares what Jeffrey says, you know. He is a privileged person ; he respects nothing absolutely nothing. Why, you will scarcely believe it, but it is not more than a week ago that I heard him \/ speak disrespectfully nf the Rnnainr." i* |N old lady asked Dr. Wolcot, that most dis- loyal of versifiers, whether he did not think himself a very bad subject of our most pious King George the Third. He answered, " I know nothing about that, madam, but I know tha the king has been a devilish good subject for me. TV Ik 262 Jeux d' Esprit. URELY the moral to Hood's poem of "Miss Kilmansegg " deserves a place in any col- lection of jeux d' esprit ; and, luckily, it will bear detaching from the story : Id ! gold ! gold ! gold L Bright and yellow, hard and cold, Molten, graven, hammered, rolled, Heavy to get and light to hold ; Hoarded, bartered, bought and sold, Stolen, borrowed, squandered, doled ; Spurned by the young but hugged by the old, To the very verge of the churchyard A^t lUllMllill-- Price of many a crime untold. Gold ! gold ! gold ! gold ! * Good or bad a thousand-fold, r How widely its agencies vary ! To save to ruin to curse to bless As even its minted coins express : Now stamped with the image of good Queen Bess, And now of a Bloody Ma V4 Jeux d'Esprit. 263 ON A SQUINTING POETESS. |O no one Muse does she her glance confine, But has an eye at once to all the nine. THOMAS MOORE. Irafsal ALLEYRAND, being asked whether a certain liUal authoress of his acquaintance was not " a /////^tiresome," replied, "No; she was com- pletely tiresome." |HOMAS HOOD, in his "Literary Reminiscen- . ces," gives a laughable example of Charles Lamb's readiness in quotation. " He was one day bantering my wife on her dread of wasps, when all at once he uttered a horrible shout a wounded,/"^ specimen of the species had slily crawled up the leg of the table and stung him in the thumb. I told him itwas a refutation well put in. like Smol- lett's, timely snowball. ' Yes,' said he, ' and a stinging commentary on " Macbeth " " ' By the pricking of my thumbs Something wicked this way comes.'** 264 AN IMITATION OF WORDSWORTH. ERE is a river dear and fair, Tis neither broad nor narrow It winds a little here and there It winds about like any hare ; And then it takes as straight a course ^ As on the turnpike-road a horse, Or through the air an arrow. The trees that grow upon the shore Have grown a hundred years or mar^r So long there is no knowing. Old Daniel Dobson does not know When first these trees began to grow ; But still they grew r and As if they'd nothing else to do But ever to be growing. The impulses of air and sky Have reared their stately heads so high, * And clothed their boughs with greervr Their leaves the dews of evening quaff, Jeux d* Esprit. 265 And, when the wind blows loud and keen, I've seen the jolly timbers laugh And shafoe thqr sides with merry gl Wagging their heads in mockery. Fixed are their feet in solid earth, ^j/ Where winds can never blow ; But visitings of deeper birth Have reached their roots betew For they have gained the river's brink And of the living waters drink. There's little Will, a five years He isprtyyounger boy ; To look on eyes so fair and wild Jt is a very joy. He hath f7nYF rh c "" an ^ And dwelt with every idle flower, As fresh and gay as them. He loiters with the briar-rose The bluebells are his play-fellows, That dance upon their slender stem. And I have said, My little Will, Why should not he continue still 266 Jeux d' Esprit. A thing of Nature's rearing ? . A thing beyond the world's control No human sorrow fearing. JQ It were a blessed sight to see That child become a Willow-tree,- His brother trees among ! iT |t^ e 'd be four times as tall as me, V yr \\ And live three times as long ! Miss CATHERINE FAXSHAWE. HAT do you mean to do with So^md-So ? " a friend asked Theodore Hook, alluding to somebody who had grossly vilified him. " I mean," was the reply, " to let him alone most severely." [HEN John Wilson Croker wrote his bitter review on Macaulay's "History of England," for the Quarterly, Rogers said, " He /meant murder, but committed suicide." Jeux d* Esprit. 267 TO THE PORTRAIT OF "A GENTLEMAN:' |T may be so perhaps thou hast A warm and loving heart : I will not blame thee for thy face, Poor devil "as thou art. That thing thou fondly deem'st a nose, . Unsightly though it be In spite of all the cold world's scorn, It may be much to thee ! Those eyes ! among thine elder friends Perhaps they pass for blue. ****' No matter ! if a man can see^ \> What more have eves to do ? /\ Thy mouth that fissure in thy face t ^ \ By something like a chin May be a very useful place To put thy victual in. \> \ ^x ' itj ^ llj f v -" III Ml I know thou hast a wife at home, I know thou hast a child, By that subdued domestic smile Upon thy features mild. I 268 Jeux d' Esprit. That wife sits fearless by thy side, That cherub on thy knee ; They do not shudder at thy lookSj^r They do not shrink from thee. Above thy mantel is a hook ; A portrait once was there. It was thine only ornament -?r Alas ! that hook is bare. She begged thee not to let it go ; \f She begged thee all in vain. > She wept and breathed a trembling pray'r To meet it safe again. It was a bitter sight to see That picture torn away. * It was a solemn thought to think f What all her friends would say ! And often in her calmer hours And in her happy dreams, Upon its long-deserted hook The absent portrait seems. Jeux d' Esprit. 269 Thy wretched infant turns his head In melancholy wise, And looks to meet the placid stare Of those unbending eyes. I never saw thee, lovely one ; Perchance I never may. It is not oft^n |tlP f "" rf> Such JBttHTwe' meet in fjjtf^f y^t-o | p /*-*"" (Dr on some foreign shfoe, jiure I can fal^ jpv Bih]^frii It ^-^ O 9+**J I've seen that face before. ,?& OLIVER W. HOLMES. ^ *~ 7 |NE evening, during his residence in Hamburg, Rivarol was particularly brilliant. Sud- denly he discovered that some of the company were consulting and whispering with each other, at a loss to grasp a certain Turning to a Frenchman beside him he said, " Look at these Germans clubbing together urg,l kid- 1 the! vithp 270 Jeux d' Esprit. CLUBS. ]F any man loves comfort and has little cash to buy it, he Should get into a crowded club a most select society : While solitude and mutton-cutlets serve infelix uxor, he May have his club, like Hercules, and revel there in luxury. Yes, clubs knock taverns on the head. E'en Hatchett's can't demolish 'em. Joy grieves to see their magnitude and Long's longs to abolish 'em. The inns are out. Hotels for single men scarce keep alive on it, While none but houses that are in the family w thrive on it. There's first the Athenaeum Club ; so wise, there's not a man of it That has not sense enough for six in fact, that is the plan of it. Jeux d* Esprit. 271 mathemati Then opposite th** rO^Hf^ r ^ llh vr>11 'U find the regi- *" mental one. A meeting made of men of war, and yet a very gentle one. Tf iinifnrpfp-nnH living please your palate, here's excess of it, Especially at private dinners, when they make a mess of it. E'en Isis has a house in town and Cam abandons X her city ; The Master now hangs out at the United Uni-V' versity. In Common Room she gave a rout (a novel freak to hit upon), Where Masters gave the Mistresses of Arts no chairs to sit upon. The Union Club is quite superb ; its best apart- ment daily is The lounge of lawyers, doctors, merchants, beaux, cum multis aliis. 272 Jeux d' Esprit. At half-past six the joint concern for eighteen- pence is given you, Half-pints of port are sent in ketchup-bottles to enliven you. The Travellers are in Pall Mall, and smoke cigars so cosily, And dream they climb the highest Alps or roveV^ the plains of Moselai. 6^ 6 ^~ \ The world for them has nothing new, they have explored all parts of it, t And now they are^JyJaafioated, and they sit and! look at charts of it. The Orientals, homeward-bound, now seek their club much sallowej. And while they eat green fat they find their own fat growing yellower. Their soup is made more savoury, till bile to shadows dwindles 'em, And neither Moore nor Savory with seidlitz draughts rekindles 'em. Then there are clubs where persons parliamentary ^preponderate, 7 And clubs for men upon the turf (I wonder mey arn't under it) ; Jeux d' Esprit. 273 Clubs where the winning ways of sharper folks pervert the use of clubs, Where knaves will make subscribers cry, " Egad ! this is the deuce of clubs ! " For country squires the only club in London now is ^flodje's, sirs, The Crockford club for playful men, the Alfred club for noodles, sirs : These are the stages which all men propose to play their parts upon, For clubs are what the Londoners have clearly set their hearts upon. T^HEODORE HOOK. |OME ladies were bantering Selwyn on his want of feeling in going to see Lord Lovat's head cut off. "Why," said he, rflfiHe amends by ^omg^to the undertaker's to ^7 characterized the employment of a _ /medical man as " pouring drugs of which - he knew .very little into bodies of which knew less." l INE Davenport, a tailoj/naving set up his carriage, asked Fc>0fe for a motto. " There is one from Hamlet that will match you to a button-hole," was^he reply; " ( List, list, oh " ' \S X UTTRELL, walking on the Boulevards with Xom'M^pre, took notice of a rather pretty ^oman wba passed them, and said. 1' The renchwomen are ofte^ in the suburbs of beauty, butmey never enter theSp IN "f |SjWa| Y mother bids me spend my smiles laafiLBI On all who come and call me fair, As crumbs are thrown upon the tiles To all the sparrows of the_aJr. But I've a darling of my own s For whom I hoard my little stockr What if I chirp to him alone, And leflVfi mamma to feed the flprk ! f^ THOMAS HOOD. ^ t lYRON one day positively asserted friends at Malta that he had read the book of Sir James Bland Burges's " Richard the First." General disbelief being L, pressed, he a^H^ " Tf any r>pp Hnnhf-^ if | T ghall ju buy a portmanteau to quote fronv to some I the tenthjr^ es's epic,/ >einer ex-t IIVAROL said of some one remarkable for uncleanliness of his person, "He make a stain upon 276 Jeux d' Esprit. LPHONSE ROYER, the dramatist, was in the habit of giving literary dinners on a large scale (juring his management of the Odeon. On one of these occasions Edouard Martin pro- posed the health of the host, adding, " He receives; us, at all events, if he does not receive our pieces." "Ah, gentlemen," replied Royer, in returning thanks, " if I were to receive your pieces I should ^rvw^ fp VAROL said of a dull scientific author that C . he wrote in laudanum upon sheets of lead. *T l^ YDNEY SMITH writes to Jeffrey: "Tell Murray that I was much struck with the politeness of Miss Markham the day after he went. In carving a partridge I splashed her with gravy from head to foot ; and, though I saw three distinct brown rills of animal juice trickling down her cheek, she had the complaisance to swear that not a drop had reached her. Sjucjj^^^^rja^tajTces^a the triumphs of civilized life." Jeux d' Esprit. 277 lkH'E^I HE fll wm g parody by TohnJPoole on the laHJal .scene between Hamlet and Ophelia is one ./ of the besrt bits of burlesque in the languages Were it not forone excruciating lapse in rhyme, I lit would be almost perfect ; its^ closeness to the I joriyinal text being a merit that must strike every \ [reader : I/ ~~ |ET me tell you, Miss Ophelia, your be- haviour's very rude, And your whims and freaks and fancies ought in time to be subdued ; So, if my advice will better you, to give it 'tis my duty :- Imprimis Let vour honesty discourse not wtth ^ F\^ Won't you, won't you, won't you to a ^^ nunnery go ? I told you once I loved you, but 'twas easy to perceive * That I didn't care a fig for you, as now you may ^ believe, 278 Jeux d' Esprit. In future trust to nobody ; we're arrant knaves at And I (as soon you'll find, Miss,) am no better th the rest. Won't you, etc. If you marry (just to comfort you) this plague for your portion, Vnn'11 not escape from calumny, however great But, if you wed, pjfly ""^ fl fr^i if disengaged your heart is ; \. I need not state my reason but it's better for both r^ Won't you, etc. I've heard too of your paintings that you u both red and white^r . Heav'n gave you one face and to make another is S not right. Your pranks have made me mad, so no wedding KQl [ c i oV "ill jing^ The married may remain so, but the rest shall keep single. Won't you, etc. Jeux d' Esprit. 279 TO THE PORTRAIT OF "A LADY." | ELL, Miss, I wonder where you live, I wonder what's your name ; T wonder foow vou ra mf to be In such a stylish frame. (Perhaps you were a favourite child, Perhaps an only one ; Perhaps your friends were not aware ^- You had your portrait done 1 Yet you must be a harmless soul ; I cannot think that Sin ^ MVJw Would care to throw his loaded With such a stake to win. I cannot think you would provoke The poet's wicked pen, Or make young women bite their lips,V* Or ruin fine young meir "" Pray did you ever hear, my love, Of boys that go about, Who for a very trifling sum Will snip one's picture out ? d' Esprit. I'm not averse to red and white, But all things have their place ; t r think a profile cut in black Would suit your style of face, .x' I love sweet features ; I will own That I should like myself To see my portrait on a wall Or bust upon a shelf. Rnj; Nature .snfnptimfLg^n.qlrg? one. U Of such sad odds and ends, really might be quite as well Hushed up among one's friends! OLIVER W. HOLMES. iRABEAU-is capable of anything for money even j6f committing a good action, y^ RlVAROL. . -^f""* JALZAC, speaking of RiyaroKand Chamfort, the two greatest FrenjcX wits, says, " Those JL> people often gave us a whole volume in ^a***^ bon-mot. Nowadays we can rarely find a bon- in a whole volume." I Jeux d' Esprit. 281 LINES LEFT AT MR. THEODORE HOOK'S H&JSE, IN JUNE, 1834. S Dick and I Were a-sailing by At Fujham Bridge I cocked my eye, And says I, " J&d-zooks ! There's Theodor^Hook's^^^ and Dnincrq make such pretty books." " I wonder," says I, Still keeping my eye On the house, " if he is in I should like to try."* With his oar on his knee Says Dick, says he, " Father, suppose you land and see ! " " What, land and sea ? " Says I to he ; " Together ? why, Dick, why, how can that And my comical son Who is fond of fun I thought would have split his sides at the pun. 282 Jeux d "Esprit. So we rows to shore And knocks at the door, - When William a man I've seen often before ^x Makes answer and says, " Master's gone in a chaise / Call'd a Jwmnibiis. drawn by a couple of bays." So I says then, " Just lend me a pen." s " I will, sir," says William, politest of men^ So, having no card, these poetical brayings Are the record I leave of my doings andV/ sayings. ^\ RICHARD H. BARHAM. AM going to stand godfather. I don't like the business ; I cannot muster up decorum for these occasions ; I shall certainly 3is- grace the font. I was at Hazlitt's marriage, and had like to have been turned out several time! ^r during the ceremony. Anything awful makes me laugh. I misbehaved once"31 fl f' Jtl " "* Jeux d' Esprit. 283 EPIGRAM. |HY did you not dine," said a lord to a wit, "With the Whigs, you political sinner ? " " Why, really, I meant ; but had doubts how the Pit Of my stomach would bear a Fox dinner.' * THOMAS HOOD. JURING the Reign of Terror somebody who was discussing with Chamfort the state of the Parisian theatres alluded in particular to the decline of the tragic drama. "^Tragedy," said Chamfort, "has lost fr.fr begun to walk the streets." >/ IVAROL said of somebody who was delivering tedious lectures in Hamburg during his residence there, "He engages his door- keepers less to prevent people from getting in without payment than to prevent them from getting out when they are once inside." l \ 284 [ ^ f Jciix d' Esprit. . V (The following is a letter addressed by Charles Lamb to "A Farmer and his Wife," returning thanks for the present of a pig) : " [^H1 HE p ^ was a k ve m y f ee bl e praise. It was IgiJIil a dear pigmy. There was some conten- tion as to who should have the pecfs ; but in spite of his obstinacy (deaf as these little creatures are to advice) I contrived to get at one of them. .x " It came in boots too, which I took as a favour. Generally these pretty toes (pretty toes !) are missing ; but I suppose he wore them to look taller. " He must have been the last of his race. Hi little feet would have gone into the silver slipp I take him to have been a Chinese, and a female. " IfEv^^nhad^ gggn^iim, he wouldjjejflgtJjave ^y\ two^such^prodigj.oja^volumes, seeing I how much godd can be contained in how small I I II " I left a blank at the top of my letter, not being determined which to address it to : so farmer and farmer's wife will please to divide our thanks. 285 May your granaries be full, and your rats empty ana your cmcicens plump, and your envious neigh- bours lean^ and your labourers busy, and you idle and as happy as the day is long ! VIVE L'AGRICULTURE ! How do you make your pigs so little ? They are vastly engaging at that I was so myself. Now I am a disagreeable old hog, ^\. A middle-aged gentleman-and-a-half. My faculties, thank God ! are not much impaired. " I have my sight, hearing, taste, pretty perfect ; and can read the Lord's Prayer in common type, the help of a candle, without making many mistakes. "Believe me that, while my faculties last, I shall ever cherish a proper appreciation of your many I kindnesses in this way, and that the last lingering I relish of past favours upon my dying memory will | be the last snafr of that littleear. Jf wag tfr j-^ ^ earpwhich is. lucky! Many happy returns, not of the pig, but of the New Year, to both ! Mary, for her share of the pig and the memoirs, desires to send the same." -*=> 286 Jeux d' Esprit. ]HEN do you sketch O'Connell ? " said one of Lord Plunkett's daughters to Haydon, the painter. " There is one thing," said Lord Plunkett; " if you could take his head entire! off, you would do great good to society." ' id II ARROWGATE is the most hen yen -forgotten country under the sun. When I saw it there were only nine mangy fir-trees there ; and even they all leaned away from it SYDNEY SMITH. YDNEY SMITH relates that on one occasion he actually, for the spacp* of two or three minutes, forgot hisVfrwn name. He had ked at somebody's door and inquired for the laoyxrf the house. The servant asked, but asked in vain/Xhat name he should take up. " I believe the man tnbught me mad ; but it is literally true that I had no mbseidea of who I was than if I had never existed. I dioXnot know whether I was sr Dissenter or a layman. \I felt as dull as Sterii^. hold and Hopkins. At lasl^to my great relief, it flashed across me that I was S^dne^ Smith." s ^ J g '^rvn, THE RIDICULOUS. A^^ WROTE some lines once on a time In wondrous merry mood, And thought (as usual) men would say They were exceeding good. , x They were so^jueeffso very queer, ^~f P ^ _J_laughedas I would die ; Aljjgjt/n the general way A sober man am I. I called my servant, and he came ; How kind it was of him To mind a slender man like He of the mighty limb ! " These to the printer," I exclaimed And in my humorous way I added (as a trifling jest), ^ " There'll be the devil to pay.">< He took the paper and I watched, And saw him peep within ; At the first line he read, his face Was all upon the grin. 288 Jeux d' Esprit. He read the next L the grin grew broad And-sliot from ear to ear. He read the third ; a chuckling noise I now began to hear. The fourth he broke into a roar ; The fifth his waistband sp^t TT^ sivtTihr b.unt fiirr h-" tf And tumbled in a fit. V-* 1 Ten days and nights, with sleepless eyes, I watched that wretched man ; And since, I never dare to write As funny as I can ! OLIVER W. HOLMES. GENTLEMAN called upon Douglas Jerrold in behalf of a mutual friend who not by any means for the first time was in want of money. The following dialogue took place : Jerrold. Well, how much does he wantj^w ? Visitor. Why, I think a four and two noughts X will put him straight. Jcrrold. Then you may set me down for one of the noughts. VV b^ \ Jeux d 'Esprit. 289 INE of Curran's friends, a notorious and lucky ^^r gambler, getting entangled in conversation with him, gradually lost his temper, and at last said with great vehemence, " No mari^'r^. shall tjInV Wlf k "1? w ith impunity." Curran corrected him by saying, " Play with you, you mean." y |F course, if ever I do go to a fanc(y-ball at I shall go as a Dissenter. I AMES SMITH puts the following epigram into the mouth of an old gentleman whose daughter Arabella is importuning him for money : Dear Bell, to gain money, sure silence is best, l& For dumb Bells are fittnt fr> Pr Q " fV>0 ^*>*<- If ? I EXT to the rhinoceros there is nothing in the world armed like a woman. And she knows it. DOUGLAS JERROLD. ^ 290 Jeux d' Esprit. j|NE evening, when a young gentleman had spoken slightingly of religion in the presence of Coleridge and Irving, Lamb remained silent; but, when the party was break- ing up, he said to the youth who had th annoyed his guests, " Pray did you come here .a hat, sir, or a turban ? " y OU will hear a good, lowly creature sing the praises of pure water call it the wine of Adam when he walked in Paradise when, somehow, Fate has bestowed on the eulogist the finest Burgundy. He declares himself contented with a crust, although a beneficent fairy has hung a fat haunch or two in his larder And then, for woman, he asks, what is all h^uty but skin-deep Behold the lawful bed-fellow of the querist. Why, D.estiny has tied him to an angel a perfect angel, J save that for a time she has laid aside her wings ! I Now, is it not delightful to see these humble folk, who tune their tongues to the honour of dry bread and water, compelled by the gentle force of fortune to chew venison and swallow claret ? DOUGLAS JERROLD. ii /o d (t*J*> Jeux d' Esprit. ci YCKJNG author came to read his tragedy to I/iron. The five acts were brimful of the fnost flagrant plagiarisms. Piron listened -vX very gr&vely, and kept repeatedly taking off his cap with great politeness. When asked the reason of this gesture he replied, " I am . always in\. the habitV^ >J[ of saluting old acquaintances." \(^A/ * orr ^NCE, as Charles Lamb sat waiting in the Highgate coach, a female came to the door and asked loudly and sternly, " you full insjde ? " " Well, madam," Chajles^rieekly cannot undertake to^speak for th replied, " others ; b pudding he t that '^f Mrs. Gillman' s done my Jxfsiness. ' ' the| i FRIENjD cVsked Robert Brough which was S b a second ? cause tb es/ book, in the worjd. fjfe answered, as /natter ofXours<^ " the Bible." " And the " Bradsha^ uide." " Why ? " " Be- * Bible teaches us^lhe way to Heaven, and Bra start." Ishaw tells us at what ' t-inic the trains TC , A.1 Jeux d' Esprit. EPITAPH. i.B.8| Attorney-at-law ; And, when he died, The devil cried : " Give us your paw,.X" John Shaw, X*** Attorney-at-law ! ^ THOMAS MOORE. ), noticing / ORD CHESTERFIELD, noticing a very grave arid awkward coupj dancing a minuet, said that they looked as if they were doing it for moncv and were doubtful about cjcttin^ paid. U don't seem," said some chattering woman to Lamb at the dinner-table, " to be at all the better for what I have been saying to you." The answer was, " No, madam ; but no] doubt this gentleman on the other side of me mus| be, for it all came in at one ear and went out aj the other!"" ~ \ - \ ^' > / rv ^ m c*y ^ / 7^ d'Esprit. 293 S^IERROLD says, describing Australia, " Earth is iJI| here so kind that just tickle her with a h and she laughs with a harvest." WITNESS, having given before Lord Ellen- . borough some very rambling and rather /\ "\discreditable evidence, was asked in cross- examination what he was Witness: I employ. """ myself as a surgeon. Lord Ellenborough : does any one else employ you as a surgeon ? IOUGLAS JER-ROLD was told of a new play that it had been done to order. " It strikes me," he said,\"that it will be done to a good many orders." Gobbet^ showed the exeflfrably bad taste of bringing Tom Paifre^ remains from America. Lord NorburyNyas asked what he could possibly have meant byx.doing such a thing. He answered that jie supposed Cobbett wanted to make a broil. 294 Jeux d' Esprit. |N the first piece Theodore Hook wrote for the stage, a traveller, coming up to an inn- door, says, " Pray, friend, are you the *"" master of this house?" " Yes, sir," is the rej " my wife has been dead these three weeks." JOLERIDGE is very bad ; but then he wonder- fully picks up another day and his f when he repeats his verses, hath its ancient^ glory ; an archangel a little damaged. CHARLES LAMB. HE dramatist Reynolds, observing to Morton, a brother dramatist, the thinness of thej house at the performance of one of hisl plays, added that he supposed it was owing to the) war. " No," said Morton, " I_am afraid it is owing to the piece." \f CANTING lady asked Foote whether he ever went to church. " No," he answered, add- in " " not that I sec tiny harm in it." X Jeux d' Esprit. 295 | HE Reverend Rowland Hill said once, to some people who had entered his chapel to avoid the rain, " Many people are to be blamed for making religion a cloak : but I do not . think those much better who make it an umbrella.'!! CAXTON PRINTING WORKS, BECCLES. ^ f A . ' : T) October. 1876. CHATTO 6-WiNDUS's LIST OF BOOKS. NEW FINE-ART GIFT-BOOK, UNIFORM WITH THB "TURNER GALLERY." Handsomely half-bound, India Proofs, royal folio, 10 ; Large Paper copies, Artists' India Proofs, elephant folio, 20. Modern Art: A Series of superb Line Engravings, from the Works of distinguished Painters of the English and Foreign Schools, selected from Galleries and Private Collections in Great Britain. With Descriptive Text by JAMES DAFFORNE. Demy 8vo, price One Shilling. Academy Notes for 1876. With 107 Illustrations of the Principal Pictures at Burlington House : a large number being Facsimiles of Sketches drawn by the Artists. Edited by HENRY BLACKBURN. " We at once take an opportunity of offering our thanks, as -well as those of all visitors to the Exhibition, to Mr. Blackburn for his -very carefully executed review of the Academy pictures, illustrated by tome 100 ivoodcut memoranda of the priiicipa.1 pictures, almost half of them from the pencils of the painters themselves. A cheaper, prettier, or more convenient souvenir of the Exhibition it would be difficult to conceive and unreasonable to expect." TIMES. \* ACADEMY NOTES /or 1875 ma y also be &*<*> P rice One Shilling. BOOKS PUBLISHED BY Crown 8vo, with Coloured Frontispiece and Illustrations, cloth gilt, 7-r. 6d. ; gilt edges, fs. 6d. As Pretty as Seven, and other Popular German Stories. Collected by LUDWIG BECHSTEIN. With Additional Tales by the Brothers GRIMM, and 100 Illustrations by RICHTER. " These tales are pure and healthful ; they will shed over childhood a rosy light, and strew the path with stars andjlowers, the remembrance of which will last through life." PREFACE. Blake's Works. A Series of Reproductions in Facsimile of the Works of WILLIAM BLAKE, including the "Songs of Innocence and Experience," "The Book of Thel," "America," "The Vision of the Daughters of Albion," "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell," "Europe, a Prophecy," "Jerusalem," "Milton," "Urizen," "The Song of Los," &c. , is now in preparation. CHATTO & WINDUS, PICCADILLY. Demy 8vo, cloth extra, with Illustrations, iSj. Baker s Clouds in the East : Travels and Adventures on the Perso-Turkoman Frontier. By VALENTINE BAKER. With Maps and Illustrations, coloured and plain, from Original Sketches. Second Edition, revised and corrected. " A man who not only thinks for himself, but who has risked his life in order to gain information A most graphic and lively narrative of travels and adventures -which luive nothing ef the commonplace about them." LEEDS MERCURY. Crown Svo, cloth extra, 75. 6d. A Handbook of London Bankers ; With some Account of their Predecessors, the Early Goldsmiths ; together with Lists of Bank ers, from the Earliest London Direc- tory, printed in 1677, to that of the London Post-Office Directory of 1876. By F. G. HILTON PRICE. " An interesting and unpretending little work, which may prove a useful ton- tribution towards the history of a difficult subject. . . . Mr. Price's anecdotes are entertaining There is something fascinating, almost romantic, in the details given ns of Child's Bank. . . . There is a great deal of amusing reading and some valuable information in this book.'* SATURDAY REVIEW. "A work of considerable research and labour; an instructive contribution to the history of the enormous wealth of the City of London." ACADEMY. Crown Svo, cloth extra, QJ. Bardsley's Our English Siirnames : Their Sources and Significations. By CHARLES WAREING BARDSLEY, M.A. Second Edition, revised throughout, con- siderably enlarged, and partially rewritten. 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With an Introduction by WILLIAM BLACKMORE ; Map, and numerous Illustrations drawn by ERNEST GRISET. Crown Svo, cloth boards, 6s. per Volume ; a few Large Paper copies (only 50 printed), at I2J. per Vol. Early English Poets. Edited, with Introductions and Annotations, by the Rev. A. B. GROSART. "Mr. Grosart has spent the most laborious and the most enthusiastic care on the perfect restoration and preservation of the text; and it is very unlikely that any other edition of tlie poet can ever be called for. . . From Mr . Grosart we always expect and always receive the final results of most patient and competent scholarship." EXAMINER. Complete Collected Poems. With Memorial-Introduction and Notes, Steel Portrait, Index of First Lines, and Glossarial Index, &c. Three Vols. 4. Sidneys (Sir Philip} Complete Poetical Works, in- cluding all those in "Arcadia." With Memorial-Introduction, Essay on the Poetry of Sidney, and Notes. [in the press. 5. 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With a Memoir by his Son, FREDERIC WORDSWORTH HAYDON. Comprising a large number of hitherto Unpublished Letters from KEATS, WILKIE, SOUTHIY, WORDSWORTH, KIRKUP, LEIGH HUNT, LANDSEER, HORACE SMITH, SirG. BEAUMONT, GOETHE, Mrs. SIDDONS, Sir WALTER SCOTT, TALFOURD, JEFFREY, Miss MITFORD, MACREADY, Mrs. BROWNING, LOCKHART, HALLAM, and others. With 23 Illustrations, including Facsimiles of many nteresting Sketches, Portraits of HAYDON by KEATS and WILKIE, and HAYDON'S Portraits of WILKIE, KEATS, and MARIA FOOTE. " TJiere can, we think, be no question of its interest in a purely biographical sense, or of its literary merit. The letters and table-talk form a most valuable contribution to the social and artistic history of the time." PALL MALL GAZETTE. " The volumes are among the most interesting produced or likely to be produced ly the present season." EXAMINER. " Here -we have a full-length portrait of 'a most remarkable man. . . . 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With Descriptive Text to every Plate, giving a brief outline of the most important Historical and Biographical Facts and Dates connected with each Portrait, and references to original Authorities. CHATTO 6- WINDUS, PICCADILLY. 17 Crown 8vo, cloth extra, gilt, Js. 6d. Hood's ( Thomas J Choice Works, In Prose and Verse. Including the CREAM OF THE COMIC ANNUALS. With Life of the Author, Portrait, and over Two Hundred original Illustrations. "Not only does the volume include the better-known poems by the author, but also -what is happily described as ' the Cream of the Comic Annuals' Such delicious things as ' Don't you smell Fire ? ' ' The Parish Revolution,' and ' Huggins and Dug-gins," will never want readers." GRAPHIC. " A fair representative selection of Hood's works, many of -which have been hitherto inaccessible except at high prices. Most of the best known of his comic effusions those punning ballads in which he has never been approached are to be found in the liberal collection Messrs. Chatto & \Vindus have given to the public." BIRMINGHAM DAILY MAIL. Square crown 8vo, in a handsome and specially-designed binding, gilt edges, 6s. Hood's (Tom) From Nowhere to the North Pole: A Noah's Arkseological Narrative. With 25 Illus- trations by W. BRUNTON and E. C. BARNES. "Poor Tom Hood ! It is very sad to turn over the droll pages of ' From No- where to the North Pole,' and to think that he will never make the young people, for whom, like his famous father, he ever had such a kind, sympathetic heart, laugh or cry any more. This is a birthday story, and no part of it is better than the first chapter, concerning birthdays in general, and Frank's birthday in par- ticular. The amusing letterpress is profusely interspersed with the jingling rhymes which children love and learn so easily. Messrs. 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There is not a criticism he ever wrote that does not directly tell you a number of things you had no previous notion of. In criticism he was, indeed, in all senses of the word, a discoverer like Vasco, Nunez, or Magellan. In that very domain of literature with which you fancied yourself most variously and closely acquainted, he would show you 'fresh fields ' nd these and pastures new,' and these the most fruitful and delightful. For the riches he discovered were richer that they had lain so deep the more valuable were the when found, that they had eluded the search of ordinary men. As an essayi. Charles Lamb will be remembered in years to come with Rabelais and Montaigt discovered were richer that they had lain so deep the more valuable were they, "i of ordin h Rabelais and m. He unites many of l finest characteristics of these several writers. He has wisdom and wit of the when found, that they had eluded the search of ordinary men. 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" Sparkles all truer, and is full of interest. Mahony, like Sydney Smith, could write on no subject without being brilliant and witty." BRITISH QUARTERLY REVIEW. " It is "well that the present long-delayed volume should remind a younger generation of his fame. . . . The charming letters front Paris, Florence, and Rome . . . are the most perfect specimens of what a foreign correspondence eught to be." ACADEMY. In Two Series, small 4to, blue and gold, gilt edges, 6s. each. Puniana ; or, Thoughts Wise and Other- Why's. A New Collection of Riddles, Conundrums, Jokes, Sells, &c. In Two Series, each containing 3000 of the best Riddles, 10,000 most outrageous Puns, and upwards of Fifty beautifully executed Drawings by the Editor, the Hon. HUGH ROWLEY. Each Series is complete in itself. "A -witty, droll, and most amusing work, profusely and elegantly illustrated." STANDARD. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, gilt, fs. 6d. The Pursuivant of Arms ; or, Heraldry founded upon Facts. 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" A new edition of Stothard is quite an era in ArcJttzology, and we welcome it the more because two of the most indtistrious members of the A rch&olog ical Insti- tute have contributed greatly to its augmentation and improvement. The work has been reproduced by Messrs. Chatto &> Wmdus, with many additional notes by Mr. Hewitt. In order to the production of these notes, Mr. Hewitt visited almost all the monuments drawn by Stothard, and the result of his examinations was a constant subject of discussion between himself and Mr. Albert Way, to which we owe the large amount of additamenta in the new edition now before us. To Stothard 's work, more than to any other, may perhaps be attributed the great revival of taste and feeling for the monuments of our ancestors which the present generation has seen. The interest of the subject is a/ the most universal character, and this new edition of Stothard is sure to be very popular. It will be a great satisfaction to our readers to find that ihe result of recent Archaeological Investi- gations upon such subjects have been carefully brought together in the work under consideration. Besides the exhaustive account of the effigies themselves, the work as it now stands includes a concise history of mediaeval costume, of monumental architecture, sculpture, brass engraving, and the numerous topics arising from the review of a series of examples extending from the twelfth to the sixteeth century. Foreign as well as English monuments have been called into requisition to illustrate the numerous points discussed in the work." ARCHAEOLOGICAL JOURNAL, June, 1876. %* A few Large Paper copies, royal folio, with all the coats of arms illuminated in gold and colours, and the plates very carefully finished in body-colours, heightened with gold in the very finest style, half- morocco, 15 I5J-. BOOKS PUBLISHED BY Large 8vo, half-Roxburghe, with Illustrations, price gs. 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A Tragedy. Fcap. 8vo, 75. Poems and Ballads. Fcap. 8vo, 9*. Notes on "Poems and Ballads." 8vo, is. William Blake: A Critical Essay. With Facsimile Paintings. Demy 8vo, i6s. Songs before Sunrise. Crown 8vo, icu. 6d. Bothwell. A Tragedy. Two Vols. crown 8vo, izs. 6d. George Chapman : An Essay. Crown 8vo, js. Songs of Two Nations. Crown 8vo, 6s. Essays and Studies. Crown 8vo, 125. ErecJitheus : A Tragedy. Crown 8vo, 6s. The easy sweep of his flowing verse suggests' anything rather than the idea of efiort. Nor have we ever seen him stronger than in this poem of ' ERECHTHEUS ; ' while no one can say, as they are borne along with his melodious numbers, that he has been betrayed into sacrificing meaning to sound. He seems to have caught the enthusiasm of a congenial subject ; to hai/t been carried back to the spirit of an heroic age, to have fired hisjancy -with the thoughts and sensations that might have animated the soul of a god-born Athenian in the supreme crisis of his country's fate. . . Never before has Mr. Swinburne shown himself more masterly in his choruses ; magnificent in their _fire and spirit ', they have more than the usual graces of diction and smoothness of melody. . . . The best proof of the winning beauty of thes; choruses is the extreme reluctance with which you bring yourself to a pause in tlie course of quotation. You feel it almost sacrilegious to detach the gems, and it is with a sense of your ruthless Vandalism that you shatter the artists setting" EDINBURGH REVIEW, July, 1876, in a review of" Erecfttheus." CHATTO <& WINDUS, PICCADILLY. 33 People of tions, May Fcap. 8vo, cloth extra, Rossettis(W. M.) Criticism upon Swin- burnt 's " Poems and Ballads" Crown 8vo, cloth extra, with Illustrations, fs. f>d. Strut? s Sports and Pastimes of the England ; including the Rural and Domestic Recrea- Games, Mummeries, Shows, Processions, Pageants, and Pompous Spectacles, from the Earliest Period to the Present Time. With 140 Illustrations. Edited by WILLIAM HONE. ** A few Large Paper Copies, with an extra set of Copperplate Illustrations, carefully coloured by hand, from the Originals, 50*. Medium 8vo, cloth extra, with Illustrations, 7.?. 6d. Dr. Syntax's Three Tours, in Search of the Picturesque, in Search of Consolation, and in Search of a Wife. With the whole of ROWLANDSON'S droll full- page Illustrations, in Colours, and Life of the Author by J. C. HOTTEN. Large post 8vo, cloth, full gilt, gilt top, with Illustrations, 12s. 6d. Thackeray ana : Notes and Anecdotes. Illustrated by a profusion of Sketches by WILLIAM MAKEPEACE THACKERAY, depicting Humorous Inci- dents in his School-life, and Favourite Characters in the books of his everyday reading. With Hundreds of Wood Engravings and Five Coloured Plates, from Mr. Thackeray's Original Drawings. " It would have been a real loss to bibliographical literature had copyright difficulties deprived the general public of this very amusing collection. One of Thackeray's habits, from his schoolboy days, was to ornament the margins and blank pages of the books he had in use with caricature illustrations of their contents. This gave special value to the sale of his library, and is almost cause for regret that it could not have been preserved in its integrity. Thackeray's place in literature is eminent enough to have made this an interest to future generations. The anonymous editor has done the best that he could to compen- sate for the lack of this. He has obtained access to the principal works thus dispersed, and he speaks, not only of- the readiness with which their possessors complied with his request, but of the abundance of the material spontaneously proffered to him. He has thus been able to reproduce in facsimile the five or six hundred sketches of this volume. They differ, of course, not only in cleverness, but in finish ; but they unquestionably establish Thackeray's capability of becoming, if not an eminent artist, yet a great caricaturist. A grotesque fancy, an artistic touch, and a power of reproducing unmistakable portraits in comic exaggerations, as well as of embodying ludicrous ideas pictorially, make the book very amusing. Still more valuable is the descriptive, biographical, and anecdotal letterpress, which gives us a great accumulation of biographical infor- mation concerning Thackeray's works, reading, history, and habits. Without being a formal biography, it tells us scores of things that could scarcely have come into any biography. We have no clue to the sources of information possessed by the editor. Apparently he has been a most diligent student of his hero, and an indefatigable collector of scraps of information concerning his entire literary career. We can testify only to the great interest of the book, 'and to the vast amount of curious information which it contains. We regret that it has been published 1 without the sanction of his family , but no admirer of Thackeray should be with- out it. It is an admirable addendum, not only to his collected works, but also to any memoir of him that has been, or that is likely to be written." BRITISH QUARTERLY REVIEW 34 BOOKS PUBLISHED BY Crown 8vo, cloth extra, gilt edges, with Illustrations, Is. 6d. Thomson's Seasons and Castle of In- dolence. With a Biographical and Critical Introduction by ALLAN CUNNINGHAM, and over 50 fine Illustrations on Steel and Wood. Crown 4to, cloth extra, gilt and gilt edges, with Illustrations, 2is. Thornbury's Historical and Legendary Ballads and Songs. Illustrated by J. WHISTLER, JOHN TEN- NIEL, A. F. SANDYS, W. SMALL, M. J. LAWLESS, J. D. WATSON, G. J. PINWELL, F. WALKER, and others. " Mr. Thornbury has perceived with laudable clearness that one great re- quisite of poetry is that it should amuse. He rivals Goethe in the variety and startling incidents of his ballad-romances; he is full of vivacity^ and spirit, and his least impassioned pieces ring with a good out-of-doors music of sivord and shield. Some of his tnediceval poems are particularly rich in colour and tone. The old Norse ballads, too, are -worthy of great praise. Best of all, however, aie like his Cavalier songs; there is nothing of the kind in English more spirited, masculine, and merry." ACADEMY. " Will be -welcomed by all true lovers of art. . . . We must be grateful that so many -works of a school distinguished for its originality should be col" lee ted into a single volume." SATURDAY REVIEW. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, los. 6d. Cyril Tourneur's Collected Works, including a unique Poem, entitled " The Transformed Me- tamorphosis ;" and " Laugh and Lie Down, or, the World's Folly." Now first Collected, and Edited, with Critical Preface, Introductions, and Notes, by J. CHURTON COLLINS. [In the press. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, with Illustrations, 'js. (>d. J. M. W. Turner s Life and Correspond- ence. Founded upon Letters and Papers furnished by his Friends and fellow Academicians. By WALTER THORNBURY. A New Edition, entirely rewritten and considerably enlarged. With numerous Illustrations. Crown 8vo, cloth extra, with Illustrations, 7-r. (>d. Tinibs Clubs and Club Life -in London. With Anecdotes of its famous Coffee-houses, Hostelries, and Taverns. By JOHN TIMES, F.S.A. With numerous Illustrations. " The book supplies a much-felt -want. The club is the avenue to general society of the present day, and Mr. Timls gives the entree to the club. The scholar and antiquary will also find the work a repertory of information on m .tny disputed points of literary interest, and especially respecting various well- kn-nun anecdotes, the value of -which only increases with the lapse of time." MORNING POST. CHATTO & WINDUS, PICCADILLY. 35 Crown 8vo, cloth extra, with Illustrations, Js. 6d. Timbs' English Eccentrics and EC- centricitles : Stories of Wealth and Fashion, Delusions, Impos- tures, and Fanatic Missions, Strange Sights and Sporting Scenes, Eccentric Artists, Theatrical Folks, Men of Letters, &c. By JOHN TIMBS, F.S.A. With nearly 50 Illustrations. " The reader who mould fain enjoy a harmless laugh in some very odd company might do much worse than take un occasional dip into ' English Eccentrics.' The illustrations are admirably suited to the letterpress"- GRAPHIC. Crown 4to, half-Roxburghe, 12s. 6