O' ■J . w •^■V u ' i-^'.V \; * * " It was in vain I adduced Mother Cole in the * Minor,' Mawworm in the ' Hypocrite,' Barebones in the ' London Hermit,' and half-a-dozen other parts. The great licenser i8o9.] MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK. 1 3 shook his head 'as if there was something in it,' and told me that Lord Dartmouth had the piece ; if he did not object, it might yet be played; but if his lordship concurred with him, not a line should be performed. I took my leave, fully convinced how proper a person Mr. Larpent was to receive, in addition to his other salaries, four hundred pounds per annum, besides perquisites, for reading plays, the pure and simple performance of which, by his creed, is the acme of sin and unrighteousness. His even looking at them is contamination — but four hundred a-year — a sop for Cer- berus — what will it not make a man do ? * * :Sf * *' Now, in defence of the part of ' Apollo Belvi,' as origi- nally written, I consider it necessary to speak. It is a notorious fact that the Methodists are not contented with following their own fashions in religion, but they endeavour hourly to overturn the Established Church by all means, open and covert ; and I know, as a positive fact, that it is considered the first duty of Methodist parents to irritate their children against the regular clergy, before the poor wretches are able to think or consider for themselves. Nay, they are so ingenious in their efforts for this purpose, that they inculcate the aversion by nick-naming whatever object the children hate most after some characteristic of the Episcopal religion ; and I have known a whole swarm of sucking Methodists frightened to bed by being told that the bishop was coming — the impression resulting from this alarm grows into an antipathy, and from having been, as children, accustomed to consider a bishop as a bugbear, it became no part of their study to discover why — the very mention of lawn sleeves throws them into agonies ever after. Seeing, then, with what zeal these sectaries attack us, and with what ardour they endeavour to widen the breach between us by persecution and falsehood, I did conceive that the lash of ridicule might be well applied to their backs, particularly as I prefer this open mode of attack to the assassin-like stab of 1 4 MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK. [1809. the dagger, to which the cowardly Methodist would, for our destruction, have no objection to resort. " But my ridicule went to one point only. Mr. L. Hunt, in his admirable Essays on Methodism, justly observes, that a strong feature in the Methodists' character is a love of preaching. If it be possible that these self-elected guardians and ministers have an ascendency over the minds of their flocks, and have the power to guide and dkect them, it be- comes surely the duty of every thinking being to consider their qualifications for such a task. " The wilful misleadings of the clever Methodists, from the small proportion of talent that exists among them, are more harmless in their tendency than the blasphemous doc- trines of ignorance. The more illiterate the preacher, the more infatuated the flock ; and there is less danger in the specious insinuation of a refined mind than the open and violent expressions of inspired tailors and illuminated cobblers. It was to ridicule such monstrous incongruities, that, without any claim to originality, I sketched the part of 'Belvi,' in the following farce. I conceived, by blending the most flippant and ridiculous of all callings, except a man- milliner's (I mean a dancing-master's), with the grave and important character of a preacher, I should, without touching indelicately on the subject, have raised a laugh against the absurd union of spiritual and secular avocations, which so decidedly marks the character of the Methodist. Of the hypocrisy introduced into the character, I am only sorry that the lightness of the farce prevented my displaying a greater depth of deception. All I can say is, that, whatever was written in ' Killing no Murder,' against the Methodists, was written from a conviction of their fallacy, their deception, their meanness, and their profaneness." Another farce, ''Exchange no Robbery," produced at a somewhat later period, under the pseudonym of "Richard Jones," deserves honourable mention. Terry, another inti- mate associate from that time forth, had in Cranberry a iSoS.] MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK. 1 5 character excellently adapted to his saturnine aspect and dry humour ; and Liston was not less happily provided for in Lamotte. Almost all these pieces were written before Hook was twenty years of age. Had he gone on in this successful dramatic career, and devoted to such productions the experi- ence of manhood and that marvellous improvisatore power which was to make him the facile princejjs of the satirists and humourists of his time, there can be no doubt he must have rivalled any farce- writer that ever wrote in any language. It was in his twentieth year that Theodore Hook made his first appearance as a novelist, under the pseudonym of Alfred Allendale.* Lockhart characterizes the work as " a mere farce, though in a narrative shape, and as flimsy as any he had given to the stage. As if the set object," he says, " had been to satirize the Minerva Press School, everything, every individual turn in the fortunes of his * Musgrave ' is brought about purely and entirely by accident." The senti- mental hero elopes with his mistress. A hundred miles down the North road they stop for a quarter of an hour — order dinner, and stroll into the garden. Behold, the dreaded rival happens to be lodging here — he is lounging in the garden at this moment. The whole plan is baulked. Some time afterwards they elope again — and reach Gretna Green in safety. " Cruel mothers, chattering friends, and flattering rivals " all were distanced — the game was run down, he was in at "the death, and the brush was his own. False deHcacy *' at Gretna is exploded ; a woman when she goes into Lan- *' Chester's is known to want millinery (people say something " more), when she lounges at Gray's she is understood to stand " in need of trinkets, when she stops at Gattie's she wants com- " plexion, and when she goes to Gretna she wants a husband. * " The Man of Sorrow." A Novel. In Three Volumes. By Alfred Allendale, Esq. Loudon : Printed for Samuel Tipper, Leadenhall Street, 1808. 1 6 MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK. [1808. ''That being the case*, not to talk of marriage is as absurdly " outrd as not to call for supper, and therefore Musgrave with " a sly look at his blushing bride, ordered a couple of roasted '' fowls and a parson to be ready immediately ; the waiter, " perfect in his part, stepped over to the chandler's shop, hired " the divine, and at half-past ten the hymeneal rites were to "be solemnized." — Vol. i., p. 84. The fowls are put to the fire — the blacksmith appears — the ceremony has just reached the essential point, when a chaise dashes up to the door — out spring the heroine's mother and the rival again. Farther on, the hero comes late at night to an inn, and is put into a double-bedded room, in which the rival happens to be deposited, fast asleep. The rival gets up in the morning before the hero awakes, cuts his thumb in shaving, walks out, sees a creditor, jumps on the top of a passing stage-coach, and vanishes. The hero is supposed to have murdered him — the towel is bloody — he must have contrived to bury the body; he is tried, convicted, condemned; — he escapes — an accident brings a constable to the cottage where he is sheltered — he is recaptured — pinioned — mounts the drop ; he is in the act of speaking his last speech, when up dashes another post- chaise containing the rival, who had happened to see the trial just the morning before in an old newspaper. And so on through three volumes. It abounds, as a matter of course, in play upon words : for example, a rejected suitor's taking to drinking, is ac- counted for on the plea that "it is natural an unsuccessful lover should be given to whine," — a pun, by the way, better conveyed in the name " Negus," which he is said to have bestowed upon a favourite, but ofi'ending, dog. There are also introduced a couple of tolerably well-sketched portraits, Mr. Minns, the poet (T. Moore), and Sir Joseph Jonquil (Banks). An epigram, referring to the celebrated duel of the former with Jeffrey, in consequence of an article in No. 16 of the Edinburgh Eeview. is worth repeating, — the 1808.] MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK. 1 7 more so, as its paternity lias been subject of dispute, the majority attributing it to one of the authors of '' Rejected Addresses ! " — " When Anacreon would fight, as the poets have said, A reverse he displtiyed in his vapour, For while all his poems were loaded with lead, His pistols were loaded with paper ; For excuses Anacreon old custom may thank. Such a salvo he should not abuse, For the cartridge, by rule, is always made blank. Which is fired away at Reviews." But the oddest part of the whole is that Hook himself, sixteen year afterwards, thought it worth while to re-cast precisely the same absurd fable, even using a great deal of the language, in his " Sayings and Doings." (Series first, vol. iii. Merton.) Of course the general execution of that tale is vastly superior to the original edition ; but some of, all things considered, its most remarkable passages are trans- cribed almost literatim. Mr. Allendale's novel excited little or no attention, and remained unacknowledged. It is worthless, except that in the early filling up occasionally we have glimpses of the author's early habits and associations, such as he was in no danger of recalling from oblivion in the days of " Sayings and Doings." When the hero fell in love, for example, " Bond- street lounges became a bore to him — he sickened at the notion of a jollification under the Piazza — the charms of the pretty pastry-cooks at Spring Gardens had lost their piquancy." A Viscountess's fete at Wimbledon has all the appearance of having been sketched after a lark at Vauxhall with a bevy of singing women." In there-cast, it is right to say, he omitted various gi'oss indecencies, some rude personalities, and a very irreverent motto.* Of such an ephemeral character were the earlier writings of a man whose later works have charmed and delighted * " He was a Man of Sorrow, and acquainted with Grief." 2 1 8 MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK. [1813— thousands wherever the English language is spoken. But his brilliancy in the social circle and the fame of his mar- vellous hoaxes had already spread far and wide, when an unexpected event occurred which changed the whole tenor of his life, and removed him from English society and from English literature for nearly seven years." Up to 1812, Theodore Hook had been almost, if not entirely, dependent upon his pen for pecuniary supplies ; his father was in no condition to assist him ; and at the rate of two or three farces a year, which seems to have been about the average of his productions, an income could scarcely have been realized by any means commensurate with the expenses of a fashionable young gentleman '' upon town ; " debts began to accumulate, and he had already resorted to the pernicious expedient of raising money upon his " promise to write," (a draught upon the brain, honoured, on at least one occasion, by Mr. Harris, the manager of Covent Garden,) when he was presented with an appointment which promised to place him in easy circumstances for the re- mainder of his life — that of Accountant- General and Treasurer at the Mauritias, worth about £2,000 per annum. It was not, however, till October, 1813, that after a long but agreeable voyage he entered upon his duties at the Mauritius. It so happened that the island, which had been captured from the French in 1811, had been since that time under the control of Mr. (afterwards Sir K. J.) Farquhar, who, as Governor, united in his own person all the executive and legislative powers. Nothing could have been more favour- able to the young official than this circumstance, Mr. 'Farquhar being not only esteemed throughout the colony, on account of his judgment, moderation, and affability, but being also connected with Dr. James Hook, by the latter's marriage with his sister. The reception which met Theodore on his arrival was as encouraging as could have been wished, and his own convivial qualities and agreeable manners soon 1S16.] MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK. I9 made him as popular among the elite of Port Louis as he had been in the fashionable and literary circles of London. In a letter addressed to his old friend, Mathews, about a couple of years after his establishment in what he terms *' this paradise, and not without angels," he gives a most spirited and joyous account of his general mode of life, and of the social resources of the island : — **We have," says he, " operas in the winter, which sets in about July ; and the races, too, begin in July. We have an excellent beef-steak club, and the best Freemasons' lodge in the world. We have subscription concerts and balls, and the parties in private houses here are seldom less than from two to three hundred. At the last ball given at the Govern- ment House, upwards of seven hundred and fifty ladies were present, which, considering that the greater proportion of the female population are not admissible, proves the number of inhabitants, and the extent of the society." It may be supposed, that if he was delighted with the Mauritius, its society was enchanted with him. He was but twenty-five when he arrived ; and the sudden advancement of his position and enlargement of his resources, must have had rather an exciting than a sobering influence on such a temperament as his at that buoyant age. He was of course the life and soul of the hospitalities of the place and all its amuse- ments and diversions — the phoenix of his Thule. He became, among other things, a leading man on the turf, and repeatedly mentions himself as having been extremely successful in the pecuniary results of that dangerous pursuit. His own hospital- ity was most Hberal ; many an Indian veteran yet delights to recall the cordial welcome he found at La Eeduite during a brief sojourn at the Mauritius ; and not a few such persons were unconsciously sitting for their pictures in crayon then, and in pen and ink afterwards, while they displayed their Oriental airs before the juvenile Treasurer, their profuse Amphitryon. His journal would make it easy enough to identify not a few of the Qiilhis in his " Sayings and Doings," 20 MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK. [1817. and other novels of later life — but perhaps their spectres still haunt the long walk at Cheltenham — reqidescant ! Towards the end of 1817, General Farquhar found it necessary, from the state of his health, to repair for a time to England, and Major- General Gage John Hall was sworn in as deputy-governor during his absence. On this occasion the Governor appointed a commission consisting of five of the principal men in the colony, to examine the accounts and contents of the Treasury, in order that the finance depart- ment might be handed over to his successor in a condition of ascertained correctness. The commissioners signed a report that they had examined the whole accordingly, and that books and chest were all in the proper state. Their report was dated November 19th, and Sir R. Farquhar sailed. On the 15th of January, 1818, Lieutenant-Governor Hall received a letter from William Allan, a clerk in the Treasury- office, announcing to him, that, notwithstanding the above report, a grave error existed, and had been passed over in the Treasurer's accounts. No credit had been given for a sum of 37,000 dollars, which sum he, Allan, knew to have been paid in at the Treasury some fifteen months before. General Hall instantly communicated this information to Mr. Hook, and appointed another commission to re-examine the condition of the public chest and accounts. The com- mission began their work on the 11th of February : Allan was examined viva-voce before them on that and on several successive days. He addressed, while his examination was in progress, letters upon letters to the deputy- governor and also to the commissioners, in which he reiterated his asser- tions that a large deficiency existed, that its existence had been known to himself during many succeeding quarters, and that he had so long concealed it from reluctance to bring himself into collision with his superior, the Treasurer. His letters, from the first very strangely written, became wilder at every step ; and on the morning of the 27th, before the commissioners met, he shot himself. His last letter alleged 1818.] MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK. 21 that he had been tampered with by Hook, who oflfered to pay him thenceforth an allowance of twenty-five dollars per month if he would instantly make his escape from the Mauritius, and never re-appear there ; but the person whom he named as having brought Hook's message instantly con- tradicted the statement in toto on oath before the commis- sioners. There were many other witnesses ; and the result was the detection of not a few irregularities, omissions, and discrepancies in the books of the Treasury. The inquiry proceeded till the 9th of March ; at eleven that night Hook was arrested at a friend's house, where he was supping, and dragged, by torchlight, through crowded streets to the common prison. The town having shortly before been the scene of a terrible conflagration, the prison had been almost entirely destroyed. There was only one cell in which the Treasurer could be placed, and that was in so wretched a condition that at three in the morning he was admitted to bail, escorted to the house of his bail-man, and left there under his surveillance by the police. After a few days he was handed over to the care of a millitary detach- ment, and embarked with them for England as a culprit, to be tried for crimes. Before he sailed, his property in the island was disposed of, and the whole amount placed to the public credit in the Treasury. Even the minutest articles belonging to him were seized. After he was on board ship, a negro slave came alongside to beg his acceptance of his writing-desk, which the poor fellow had bought at the auction for ten shillings. He had a protracted and most unhappy voyage of nine months. For one whole month they were tossed in a hur- ricane off the Cape of Good Hope, and for six weeks reduced to the allowance of half a pound of mouldy buiscuit and half a pint of water by the day. While refitting at the Cape, however, Hook, who had by that time conciliated the regard of his keepers by his unshaken fortitude and good- humoured submission, was made their companion on shore, 22 MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK. [1819. on parole ; and how completely he could, under such calam- itous circumstances, exert his faculties of observation, we may judge from the most picturesque sketches of the Cape, the capital, and its inhabitants, which occur in one of his subsequent stories — Maxwell. The ship also stopped for a day or two at St. Helena ; and by the kindness of the officers, Hook accompanied them when they went to Longwood to be presented to Napoleon. The ship reached Portsmouth in January, 1819, and the warrant of arrest and other documents" were transmitted to London, and referred to the law officers. The Attorney- General reported, that however irregular Mr. Hook's official conduct might have been, and however justly he might be prosecuted for a civil debt, there was no apparent ground for a criminal procedure. He was therefore liberated ; and reaching London with two gold moJiurs in his pocket, was immediately subjected to the scrutiny of the Audit Board — a scrutiny which did not terminate until after the lapse of nearly five years. During this long suspense, eternal commissions and cross- examinations before the auditors of public accounts, and a very voluminous series of correspondence with them and others on the subject of the defalcation, had not occupied the whole of Hook's attention. If they had, he must have starved ; for though his successor was not appointed till late in the inquiry, he never received a farthing in his official capacity, from the time of his original arrest. By the end of 1819, Hook had established himself in a very humble cottage at Somers Town, where his household consisted of a single maid-servant ; and formed connections with newspapers or magazines, which supplied the small necessities of the passing day. He seems at first to have felt his position far too painfully to think of reclaiming any but a few of his older and, comparatively speaking, humble allies — such as Mathews, Terry, and good little Hill ; the last of whom had encountered sad reverses during his 1820.] MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK. 23 absence, and was now, perhaps, except himself, the poorest of the set. On their kindness he might rely implicitly — as well as upon the cordial friendship and sound professional advice of Messrs. Powell and Broderip. It was shortly after his location at Somers Town that Hook renewed his acquaintance with Mr. Wilson Croker, in whose society no small portion of his time was spent, both at the Admiralty and at the latter's villa at Molesey. He was also occasionally a visitor at General Phipps's (a relation o^his mother's), in Harley-street, where he met and speedily became intimate with the late Speaker, Lord Canterbury. They were afterwards seen a great deal together, and the pair strolling arm-in-arm down St. James's-street, forms the subject of one— not the most happy — of the HB sketches.* With these exceptions, for a long period his position as a public defaulter, together with the res angustce domi, confined him to the narrow and comparatively inexpensive circle of his old literary and theatrical associates. During the summer of 1820, Theodore Hook opened his campaign against the Queen by a thin octavo, which at the time made considerable noise. It was entitled " Tentamen ; or, an Essay towards the History of Whittington and his Cat," by Dr. Vicesimus Blenkinsop. The Whittington, of course, was no other than Alderman Wood, and Caroline was the cat. " Throughout the whole lihellus,'" says Lockhart, " there was a prodigious rattle of puns and conundrums — but the strong points of the case against Whittington and Co. were skilfully brought out, nevertheless. Hook being as yet quite in obscuro, nobody suspected him. It was pretty generally ascribed to the manufacturers of the ' New Whig Guide.'" " Tentamen" was follow^ed by several similar pamphlets, chiefly in verse, all directed against Alderman Wood and * A slight obliquity of vision for which his lordship was remarkable suggested the title — a passable adaptation of Theodore's own joke — " Hook and Eye." 24 MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK. [1820. the other supporters of the Queen, and all published in the same year (1820) by Wright, of Fleet-street. They are also to be distinguished by a caricature likeness of the celebrated Alderman, the same portrait appearing on the title-page both of " Tentamen " and the others. One of these we recollect is entitled Solomo7i Logwood.'^ In the spring of this year (1820), Hook, with the assistance of his old friend, Daniel Terry, started a small periodical. It was published, and we believe suggested, by Mr. Miller, who had recently engaged extensive premises in — what was then expected to prove a great mart for the lighter description of literature — a sort of occidental "Row," — the Burlington Arcade. Hence the name of the first-born, " The Arcadian," but which, to say the truth, had little of the. pastoral in its composition, if we except a certain long ballad of melodious rhythm and provoking pungency, addressed to Lady Holland, and commencing, — " Listen, lady, to my measures, While they softly, gently flow, While I sing the harmless pleasures Of the classic, silver Po," etc. The war-cry of " The Arcadian " was of course " King and Constitution," for its editor was Conservative, or rather Tory (the former euphuism was not then in vogue) to the heart's core. Much, too, of that personality was introduced in its pages, which rendered its more fortunate successor, the John Bull, so formidable. The same contemptuous tone, in treating of theatricals, is observable both in the John Bull * There can be little doubt that the following was also written by Hook :— " The Eadical Harmonist ; or, a Collection of Songs and Toasts given at the late Crown and Anchor Dinner. Collected by Old Tom of Oxford. To which is subjoined, The Goose's Apology, a Michaelmas Ode. Lon- don : printed for W. Wright, 46, Fleet Street, 1820." It is issued by the publisher of " Tentamen," of which there is an advertisement on the fly-leaf. One of the songs (p. 11) bears a remarkable resemblance to Mrs. Muggins's Visit to the Queen. 1820.] MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK. 25 and its tiny predecessor. " The Arcadian " contains a most exquisite critique, a perfect masterpiece of irony, upon the " first appearance " of a certain young lady, and some caustic remarks on the stage and its attractions, curious as coming from a popular dramatist, writing in the thirty-second year of his age. Full of fun and spirit as the little magazine was, it never- theless came to an untimely end : only two numbers ever made their appearance. Such was the difficulty which the publisher experienced in making up the second, owing to Hook's listlessness, or more probably preoccupation, that he _ declined venturing on a third. %4 This was the prelude of Jolm Bull. The most important event with which the name of Theodore Hook stands con- nected, is unquestionably the establishment of the John Bull newspaper, at the close of 1820. The universal, instan- taneous, and appreciable effect produced on the great political movements of the day by its appearance, is perhaps unparal- leled in the history of periodical literature. The Queen's affair had gone on all the summer and autumn ; the madness of popular exacerbation gaining new intenseness with every week that passed. None who re- member the feelings and aspects of the time will think it possible to exaggerate either in description : but we shall make no such attempt. The explosion scattered brilHant terror far and wide. No first appearance of any periodical work of any class whatever has, in our time at least, produced I such a startling sensation — it told at once from the convulsed (centre to every extremity of the kingdom. There was talent of every sort, apparently, that could have been desired or devised for such a purpose. It seemed as if a legion of sarcastic devils had brooded in synod over the elements of withering derision. But, as far as Hook's MSS. allowed iiis biographers to judge, he was really and truly alone ; and, it all events, they exonerate most completely certain other persons who were at first saddled with a large share of the 26 MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK. [1821— merit and the obloquy of the Bull. Of the famous songs during the winter of 1820-21, only one, he used to say, was an extraneous contribution. The paper set out with one specific object : the extinction ^, of the Brandenburgh House party ; and, to accomplish this, \[^ Hook's varied talents — his wit and humour, his sarcasm and bitterness, his keenness of argument, fiery zeal, and unscru- pulous daring — were all brought to bear with concentrated energy upon the ranks of the Opposition. Any man reckless of legal consequences, or beyond their reach, familiar with the current scandal of the day, and having so powerful an engine as a public paper at his disposal, may inflict a vast amount of injury upon his adversaries ; but to these con- ditions, in the present case, may be added powers, if not of the very highest order, doubtless the best adapted to the purpose, sources of information peculiar and inexplicable, a singleness of purpose, and firm conviction of its justice, that combined to render Bull the most formidable antagonist that had as yet entered the lists against the Queen. Many of BulVs songs, in construction, and even in execu- tion, were very little different from those which Hook used to improvise in the course of a festive evening. It has been said by one who knew him, that a person who never witnessed that marvellous performance could not take a better notion of D/J^l "^^^^ it was than from such a piece as the "Visit of Mrs. L Muggins," in thirty-one stanzas. "^Here also Hook commenced and continued from time to time, for ten years, that famous series of Ramsbottom Papers, which were the precursors of all the Mrs. Malaprops, Mrs. Partingtons, and Mrs. Browns of a later generation, and which, like nearly all originals, greatly surpassed in genuine humour and excellence the cleverest imitations that have since appeared. By his flagellations of the Whigs, meantime. Hook had shut against himself the gates of forbearance at Whitehall. He might have thought himself well off, if he had not 1824.] MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK. 2/ tempted harshness into play against him. He thought he had : he always persisted that the auditor's final report on him was an unjust deliverance ; and he maintained equally the opinion that the measures of the Government consequent on that report were unusually severe. The award was at last given in the autumn of 1823, and it pronounced him a debtor to the Crown of over £12,000. On his arrest under the Exchequer writ (August, 1823), he was taken to the dwelling and spunging-house of the sheriff's officer, his captor, by name Mr. Hemp, and still hoping that a protracted imprisonment was not seriously intended, he chose to remain there week after week, and month after month, until Easter. The expense of board and lodging at a house of that class is always heavy ; his accommodations were mean, and the situation about the worst in London — Shire Lane, so named as separating part of the City from Middlesex — a vile, squalid place, noisy and noxious, apparently almost inaccessible either to air or light, swarming with a population of thief-catchers, gin- sellers, and worse. But his spirit was not yet to be broken. He endured the unwholesome confinement with patience — no sooner was hope knocked down in one quarter than it sprung up again in another — he kept himself steadily at work in the mornings, and his few intimates commonly gathered round him in the evening. In April, 1824, Hook at last took his leave of Shire Lane. He had, as usual, made himself a great favourite with Hemp and his family, and such a guest could not be allowed to depart without a farewell banquet. The company exhibited in harmonious contrast Mr. Hook's theatrical and literary confidants of the time, and sundry distinguished ornaments of his hospitable landlord's own order. The sederunt did not close without a specimen of the improvisatore ; and his ballad ** showed up" Mr. Hemp and his brethren, as in- trusted with the final offices of the law in the case of the grand culprit before them : — 28 MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK. [1824. Chokus — " Let him hang with a curse, — this atrocious, pernicious Scoundrel that emptied the till at Mauritius ! " * The close confinement in the bad air of Shire Lane had affected his health, and indeed his personal appearance was permanently damaged in consequence of the total disuse of exercise for so many months, and the worry of mind which even he must have been enduring. He came out pale and flabby in the face, and with a figure fast tending to cor- pulence. He was transferred to the Rules of the King's * It may seem strange that he should have been capable of thus making sport to the Philistines out of his own calamity and disgrace ; but it is stranger still that he is said to have in fact adopted some hints from a version of Allan's suicide, which found favour with the lowest only of his political haters, and the circulation of which in a street broadside had seemed to give him very serious annoyance, ' We quote some verses of this doggrel, just to show that Hook had to take as well as give: — " Then Hook says to Allan, ' We're blown, my poor nigger, We at last are found out to be loose in the figure ; We have sacked it and spent it, and cannot repay, So let's e'en hop the twig in the old Roman way ! ' ' massa ! ' says Allan, ' whatever you do, It v/ill comfort my heart to accompany you. That there grog at the governor's ! 0, what a goose ! Which is best, steel or lead, or a drop of the juice ? ' * First a drop of the juice this here bottle contains — And then barkers, like gemmen, to blow out our brains ! Here they are, fill your glass, to that bed-room retire — Make ready, present, and when mine goes off — fire ! ' Humble Allan then manfully emptied his glass. And with pistol on cock to the bed-room did pass ; In a moment he heard massa's hang, and the nigger In his mouth clapp'd the muzzle and drew back the trigger. Then the beaks tumbled in, black and bistre and yellow, And found Hook in great horror beside the poor fellow. His own bullet of course perforated the floor — And the peacher could now be cross-questioned no more." 1824.] MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK. 29 Bench, within which he hired a small separate lodging, in an airy enough situation — Temple Place. In 1824 Theodore Hook published the first series of that collection of tales which, under the title of " Sayings and Doings,'"^' placed him at once in the highest rank of the novelists of his generation ; above all his contemporaries, with the one exception, of course, of the Author of " Waverley." The first idea and plan of the work was struck out during the sitting of a sort of John Bull con- clave held at Fulham, and had origin in the suggestion of a friend, who, delighted with the anecdotes of Colonial life which Hook was pouring forth, conceived that they might be turned to better account than the mere entertainment of a dinner-party, and hit upon a title, at which Hook caught with eagnerness. So convinced was the latter that his first tale, '' The Man of Sorrow," had not been fairly appreciated, that he actually embodied in his new essay the rejected attempt of Mr. Alfred Allendale, condensed, indeed, and purged from its impurities, but not materially altered from the original. Much better in every respect is the story of " Danvers, the Parvenu.'* The more prominent characters in Hook's novels are, in spite of his disclaimer, unquestionably portraits. To many of the Anglo-Indian sketches, the journal kept during the author's sojoui*n at the Mauritius would doubtless supply a key. Hook, indeed, always denied the possession of inventive faculties. There was doubtless truth as well as modesty in his assertion : " Give me a story to tell, and I can tell it, but I cannot create." The popularity of the first series of" Sayings and Doings " (three vols.) may be estimated from his diary, which records the profit to the author as £2,000. There were, we believe, * " Sayings and Doings " provoked a rather pungent satirical pamphlet, entitled *' Sayings and Doings Considered, with On Dits, Family Memoirs, etc., etc., etc. London : Allman, 1825," pp. 46. 30 MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK. [1825 - three considerable impressions before the Second Series, also in three vols., was ready in the spring of 1825. And shortly after that publication he was at length released from custody — with an intimation, however, that the Crown abandoned nothing of its claim for the Mauritius debt. The first series of *' Sayings and Doings " were soon followed (1825 — 1829) by a second and third, which are generally considered in every way superior to the former ones. The author was of this opinion himself, and the public as certainly ratified his verdict. In the meantime Theodore Hook, released from his tem- porary confinement, had taken a cottage at Putney, of which neighbourhood he had always been fond, and may be said to have re-entered society, though his circle of acquaintance continued limited for a couple of years more. While at Putney, in 1826, he from motives of pure kind- ness re-wrote, that is to say, composed from rough illiterate materials, the very entertaining " Reminiscences " of an old theatrical and musical friend of his — Michael Kelly. The book was received with astonishment, for he generously kept his own secret. In 1827 he took a higher flight, and became the tenant of a house in Cleveland Row — on the edge of what, in one of his novels, he describes as "the real London — the space between Pall Mall on the south, and Piccadilly on the north, St. James's-street on the west, and the Opera House to the east." The residence was handsome, and indeed appeared extravagantly too large for his purpose. He was admitted a member of several clubs ; became the first attraction of their house-dinners ; and in those where play was allowed, might usually be seen in the course of his protracted evening. Soon he began to receive invitations to great houses in the country, and from week after week, often travelled from one to another, to all outward appearance, in the style of an idler of high, condition. He had soon entangled himself with habits and connections which implied considerable 1S31.] MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK. 3 1 curtailment of his labour at the desk, and entailed a course of expenditure more than sufficient to swallow all the profits of what remained. His next novel, '* Maxwell," published in 1830, is, in point of plot, by far the most perfect of his productions ; the interest which is at once excited, never for an instant flags, and the mystery, so far from being of the flimsy transparent texture, common to romances, is such as to bafile the most practised and quick-witted discoverer of dcnouments, and to defy all attempts at elucidation. New debts began to accumulate on him so rapidly, that about 1831, he found it necessary to get rid of the house at St. James's, and to remove to one of more modest dimen- sions close to Fulham Bridge, with a small garden looking towards the river. Here in the locality which had long been a favourite one with him, he remained till his death ; but though he took advantage of the change to drop the custom of giving regular dinners, and probably to strike off some other sources of expense, he not only continued his habits of visiting, but extended them as new temptations offered. . Probably few of his admirers ever knew exactly where \ Hook lived. His letters and cards were left for him at one ^or other of his clubs, but it is doubtful if the interior of his Fulham cottage was ever seen by half a dozen people besides ^is old intimate friends and familiars. To the upper world jhe was visible only as the jocund convivialist of the club — the brilliant wit of the lordly banquet, the lion of the crowded assembly, the star of a Christmas or Easter party lin a rural palace, the unfailing stage-manager, prompter, author, and occasionally excellent comic actor of private theatricals. ' — ^But, notwithstanding the round of gaiety and pleasure in which the greater number of his evenings were spent, the time so employed cannot be said to have been altogether wasted ; for, to a writer who has to draw from life, whose 4 32 MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK. [1832— books are men and women, and to wliom the gossip and on dits of the day are the rough material of his manufacture, a constant mixing in society of every accessible rank is absolutely necessary — to one of his taste and discrimination, the higher the grade the better. Whithersoever he went he carried with him not only an unfailing fund of entertain- ment, but also unslumbering powers of observation, that served to redeem what otherwise would have appeared mere weakness and self-indulgence. And that he was not slow to avail himself of the advantages that fell to his share, no one will deny, who casts a glance over the list of produc- tions he gave to the world, during a period when the intel- lectual exertion of his convivial hours alone would have exhausted the energies, physical and mental, of well-nigh any other man. In 1832 he pubhshed the "Life of Sir David Baird," a standard biographical work, and one spoken of in the highest terms by the best reviews of the day. So satisfied were the family with the manner in which he executed his task, that they presented him with a magnificent gold snuff-box set with brilliants, the gift of the Pasha of Egypt to the sub- ject of the memoir. Hook seems to have tossed the trinket aside as an unconsidered trifle into a drawer, from which it was happily rescued on the accidental discovery of its value and importance. In 1833 he sent forth no fewer than six volumes, full of originality and wit; a novel called the "Parson's Daughter," and a couple of stories under the title of " Love and Pride." In one of the latter, the supposed resemblance of Liston to a certain noble lord is happily turned to account ; the being mistaken for Mr. Buggins, principal low comedian of the Theatre Koyal, Drury Lane, forming a light and pointed climax to the covgeries of ridiculous miseries heaped on the unfortunate Marquis. In 1836, Theodore Hook undertook the editorship of the New Monthly Magazine , at a salaiy of four hundred 1836.] MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK. 33 pounds a year, irrespective of the sums to be paid for original contributions. Here he commenced his ** Gilbert Gurney," accommodating himself to the exceedingly un- comfortable practice, now all but universal among popular and prolific novelists, of delivering his tale by monthly instalments. To this plan, though obliged to succumb to it, he always took exception, as not only wearisome to the reader, but fatal to fair development of plot. Of all his works, "Gilbert Gurney" is by far the most mirth-provoking and remarkable. His own adventures form the groundwork of the comedy ; himself and his friends figure as the dramatis persona, and throughout the whole there appear an unrestrained expression of private feelings, and a frequency of personal allusion, that give it the sem- blance and almost the interest of true history. In his next novel, " Jack Brag," Hook again hit upon a character with which he could go to work con amore. Vulgar, vain, and impudent, a cross between a tallow- chandler, and what, in the cant phrase of the day, is termed a sporting gent, a hanger-on upon the loose branches of the aristocracy, and occasionally thrown into society more respectable, Mr. Brag's gaucheries convulse the reader ; while those who scorn not to read a warning, even on the page of a novel, may be led to devote more than a passing thought to the folly (to say the least of it) of indulging in the very silly and very common habit of perpetual though petty misrepresentation, as regards their means and position in life, and the nature and degree of their acquaintance with individuals of a rank higher than their own. There is no lower depth of drawing-room degradation than is involved in the exposure of one of these pretenders ; unrecognised, perhaps, by his *' most intimate friend " Lord A , cut by his " old crony" Sir John B , or never "heard of" by his " college chum," the Bishop of C . "Jack Brag" was followed, in 1839, by "Births, Mar- riages, and Deaths," which, notwithstanding its infelicitous 3 J4: MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK. [1840. title, — as far as fitness goes, it might as well have been called *' Law Notices," or "Fashionable Intelligence," or by any- other newspaper " heading," — was a novel of a higher class than any he had before attempted : the humour is scantier and more subdued than heretofore, and though the magnificent Colonel Magnus, and his rascally attorney Brassey, here and there afford admirable sport, the latter, with his economical wardrobe, to wit : — " one tooth-brush twisted up in a piece of whitey-brown paper ; a razor by itself tied with a piece of red tape to a round pewter shaving-box (enclosing a bit of soap), with the tip of its handle peeping from the bottom of a leathern case, like the feet of a long-legged Lilliputian sticking out of his coffin ; a remarkably dirty flannel under-waistcoat, edged with light blue silk and silver ; one pair of black silk socks, brown in the bottoms," &c. — yet the general efi'ect is heavy, — heavier, that is, than the public were inclined to accept from the pen of Theodore Hook. This, in point of fact, may be considered his last finished work. "Precepts and Practice" appeared in 1840, — the name an obvious plagiarism, and from himself, being merely a collection of short papers and tales, published during the /preceding year or two, in the New Monthly, of which he \l was the editor. As for "Fathers and Sons," portions of 'or which appeared in the same magazine, and "Peregrine >^j>^ Bunce," we believe neither of them to have been completed \ by his own hand ; of the latter, about one hundred pages of the last of the three volumes were certainly supplied by another writer. The production of thirty-eight volumes, within sixteen years. Hook being all the while editor, and almost sole writer, of a newspaper, afibrds sufficient proof that he never sank into idleness ; but in other respects there had been great changes within that period. Two unhappy errors into which he had fallen marred the happiness of the remainder 1840.] MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK. 35 of his life. Before his arrest in 1823, he had formed a liaison, which, though perhaps excusable in his position at 'Somers Town, was persisted in afterwards under less adverse ^circumstances, until the righteous consequences of guilt could not be averted. This connection soon became such as, in his position, and mth the kind and manly feelings which adhered to him, made it impossible for him to marry- in his proper condition ; and though he often thought of atoning to his partner, and in some sort to the children she had borne him, by making her his wife, he never took courage to satisfy his conscience by carrying that purpose into effect. The second error regarded his debt to the Crown, which, though during the last twenty years of life he was in receipt of an affluent income from his writings, he made no real or adequate effort to repay by instalments. Hook never denied that he was in justice responsible for a deficit of £9,000 ; and those who had the sole authority to judge of the matter, pronoimced the rightful claim to be £12,000. When he was released from the King's Bench, he was told distinctly that the debt must hang over him until every farthing was paid. We know that he had, in his gi'eat and various talents, left from that, hour at his free command, means of earning far more than enough for his own decent maintenance, and that of his unfortunate family ; and most clearly every shilling that he could make beyond that ought to have been, from time to time, paid into the Exchequer towards the liquidation of his debt. In neglecting this, he threw away the only chance -before him of effectu- ally vindicating his character, together with all reasonable chance of ever again profiting by the open patronage of either the Crown or its Ministers. In every page of his works we] trace the disastrous influence of both these grand original errors, perpetually crossing and blackening the picture oC superficial gaiety — indications, not to be mistaken, of a con-j science ill at ease ; of painful recollections and dark anticiJ 36 MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK, [1841. pations rising irrepressibly, and not to be stifled ; of good, gentle, and generous feelings converted by the stings of remorse into elements of torture. His pecuniary embarrassments became deeper and darker every year. Even in the midst of his abundant dissipation he worked hard in the mornings — certainly he covered vi^ith his MS. more paper than would have proved, in almost any other man's case, the energetic exertion of every hour in every day that passed over his head ; and little did his fine friends understand or reflect at what an expense of tear and wear he was devoting his evenings to their amusement. About a month before his decease he wrote to Mr. Barham, whom he requested to run down to Fulham and see him, as he was too ill to leave home himself ; and of the interview which ensued we are enabled to give a somewhat full account, committed to paper shortly afterwards, and evidently with the view of fixing the impression, yet fresh, in the writer's mind : — " It was on the 29th of July, 1841, that I last saw poor Hook. I had received a note from him requesting me to come down and see him, as he wished much to talk over some matters of importance, and could, not, from the state of his health, drive into town. I went accordingly, and after a long conversation, which related principally to * * ''^ and to his novel, ' Peregrine Bunce,' then going through the press, but which he never lived to complete, a roast fowl was put on the table for luncheon. He helped me and took a piece himself, but laid down his knife and fork after the first mouthful, which, indeed, he made an unsuccessful attempt to swallow. On my observing his unusual want of appetite— for his luncheon was in general his dinner — he said : ' It is of no use, old fellow ; the fact is I have not tasted a morsel of solid food these five days ! ' ' Then what on earth have you lived upon ? ' to which he replied, ' Efi'ervescing draughts ; ' adding afterwards, that he was allowed to take occasionally a '"**".S*w»« ^f .cx, I > > > ' .AL.Hl^.^H^^^i^'' -^^.^ Zf.A'^ Al the age of 61 from a Porlrail by Count D'Orsajy' 1841.] MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK. 37 tumbler of rum and milk, or a pint of Guinness's bottled porter. " On bearing tbis, I strongly pressed on bim tbo necessity of baving fui'tber advice, wbicb be at lengtb promised be would do, if be were not better in a day or two. I told bim tbat my wife and myself were going down to tbe Isle of Tbanet, and pressed bim very mucb to tbrow work overboard for a wbile, and accompany us and be nursed. He said, bowever, ' be was completely tied to bis desk till be bad concluded wbat be was tben writing for Colburn and Bentley ; but tbat be sbould get quite clear of bis trammels in about a montb, and tben, if we were still tbere, be would make an effort to pay us a visit.' " In trutb, be was soon past writing ; deatb was advancing upon bim witb rapid strides, wbile eartbly prospects were growing, daily, darker and more tbreatening. It is painful to reflect tbat bis last bours, ere tbe struggling mind bad sunk into insensibility, were disturbed by tbe apprebension of inability to meet a couple of bills of comparatively trifling amount, on tbe point, as be believed, of becoming due. On Friday, tbe 13tb of August, be took finally to bis bed, tbe stream burried on witb increasing velocity as it approacbed tbe fall — a brief agitated interval, bappily not neglected, was left for tbe first, last work of erring man, and on tbe evening of tbe 24:tb be expired. Tbe disorder under wbicb be bad been labouring for years, arose from a diseased state of tbe liver and stomacb, brougbt on partly by mental anxiety, but principally, it is to be feared, by tbat babit of over-indulgence at table, tbe curse of Colonial Hfe, wbicb be bad early acquired, and to wbicb be beld witb fatal perseverance to tbe end. It needed no ordinary powers to enable bim to sustain tbe contest so long ; but bis frame was robust and bis constitution vigorous ; and be seems to bave possessed in a remarkable degi'ee tbat power of maintaining tbe supremacy of mind over matter, 38 MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK. [1841.] which rendered him indifferent to, or unconscious of, the first slow approaches of decay. He was buried with extreme privacy at Fulham ; a simple stone bearing his name and age marks the spot, which is immediately opposite the chancel window, and within a few paces of his former home. THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. 1822 — 1831. NOW FIRST COLLECTED, [The Letters of Mrs. Ramsbottom, complete and unabridged, are here published in a collected form for the Jirst time. They originally appeared in the pages of the John Bull newspaper, where their publication extended over a period of ten years. A complete set of the John Bull is now very rare, and, in proof of this, we may state that when a London publisher recently issued a cheap edition of the " Ramsbottom Letters," thirteen were all that he could give, whereas the whole of the twenty -nine are here given, and genuine — ^just as they left the pen of the witty author.] THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. I. MRS. RAMSBOTTOM'S PARTY. April, 1822, ON Thursday last, Mrs. Ramsbottom, of Pudding-lane, opened her house to a numerous party of her friends. The drawing-room over the compting-house, and the small closet upon the stairs, were illuminated in a most tasteful manner, and Mr. Ramsbottom' s own room was appropriated to card-tables, where all-fours and cribbage were the order of the night. Several pounds were won and lost. The shop was handsomely fitted up for quadrilles, which began as soon as it was dark ; the rooms being lighted with an abundance of patent lamps, and decorated with artificial flowers. The first quadrille was danced by — Mr. Simpson, Jun. Mr. BOTIBOL Mr. Green Mr. MUGLISTON , Mr. HiGGlNBOTHAM Mr. Artuur Stubbs Mr. O'Reilly . and A French Count (name unknovm) Miss Ramsbottom Miss E. A. Ramsbottom Miss Rosalie Ramsbottom Miss Charlotte Ramsbottom Miss Lilla Ramsbottom Miss Lavinia R.\3isbottom Miss Frances Hogsflesh Miss Rachel Solomons. At half-past ten the supper-room was thrown open, and presented to the admiring eyes of the company a most 42 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. elegant and substantial hot repast. The mackerel and fennel- sauce were particularly noticed, as were the boiled legs of lamb and spinach; and we cannot sufficiently praise the celerity with which the ham and sausages were removed, as the respectable families of the Jewish persuasion entered the room. The port and sherry were of the first quality. Supper lasted till about a quarter past two, when dancing was resumed, and continued till Sol warned the festive party to disperse. The dresses of the company were remarkably elegant. Mrs. Ramsbottom was simply attired in a pea-green satin dress, looped up with crimson cord and tassels, with a bright yellow silk turban and hair to match ; a magnificent French watch, chain, and seals were suspended from her left side, and her neck was adorned with a very elegant row of full- sized sky-blue beads, pendant to which was a handsome miniature of Mr. Ramsbottom, in the costume of a corporal in the Limehouse Volunteers, of which corps he was justly considered the brightest ornament. The Misses Ramsbottom were dressed alike, in sky-blue dresses, trimmed with white bugles, blue bead necklaces, and ear-rings en suite. "We never saw a more pleasing exhibition of female beauty, the sylph-like forms of the three youngest, contrasted with the high-conditioned elegance of the two eldest, formed a pleasing variety ; while the uniform appear- ance of the family red hair, set off by the cerulean glow of the drapery, gave a sympathetic sameness to the group, which could not fail to be interesting to the admirers of domestic happiness. The Misses Solomons attracted particular notice, as did the fascinating Miss Louisa Doddell, and the lovely Miss Hogs- flesh, delighted the company after supper with the plaintive air of *' Nobody coming to marry me ;" Mr. Stubbs and Mr. J. Stubbs sang " All's well " with great effect, and Mr. Doddell and his accomplished sister were rapturously encored in the duet of *' Oh Nanny, wilt thou gang wi' me ?" THE RAMSBOnOM PAPERS. 43 Among the company we noticed — The French Count (name unknown, but introduced by Mr. J. Stubbs). Mistresses Dawes, Bumstead, Gordon, Green, five Smiths, Jones, Hall, Ball, Small, Wall, Groves, Taylor, Dixon, Figgins, Stubbs, Lightfoot, Hogsflesh, Muggins, Higgin- bottom, Cruikshanks, Barnet, Levi, Solomons, Kicardo, Hume, Hone, Parker, Wilde, Cummins, Farthing, Thompson, Ander- son, Tod, Smallpiece, FUnt, Doddell, Peppercorn, Adcock and Pyman. Misses Stubbs, 2 Grubbs, 11 Smiths, Lightfoot, Simmons, 8 Halfpennys, Hall, Ball, Small, Wall, Barton, 3 Jones's, Hogsflesh, Eglantine Hogsflesh, 2 Greens, 4 Hones, Ricardo, Williams, 2Doddells, Peppercorn, Holman, Figgins, Garbett, Burton, Morgan, Ellis, Levi, Flint, 3 Farthings, Eversfield and Parkinson. Doctor Dixon, Lieut. Cox, R.N., Ensign Ellmore, H.P. Messrs. Green, Halfpenny, Butterfield, Dabbs, Harmer, Griffiths, Grubb, Hogsflesh, Hall, Ball, Small, Wall, Taylor, Tod, Adcock, Flint, Doddell, J. Doddle, A. Doddell, T. Dod- dell, Farrell, O'Reilly, Yardley, Muscatt, Dabbs, Giblett, Barber, Sniggs, Cocker, Hume, Bernelle, Moses, Levi, Hone, Ellice, Higginbottom, White, Brown, Stubbs, J. Stubbs, S. Rogers, Hicks, Moore, Morgan, Luttrell, etc. His Royal Highness the Duke of Sussex, Lady Morgan, IVIr. Ex-Sheriflf Parkins, Sir Robert Wilson, and General Pepe were expected, but did not come. n. MISS LAYDOA RAIVISBOTTOM. AprU 27, 1823. The following is from no less a personage than our fair favourite. Miss Lavinia Ramsbottom : — " Ma' desires me to write to you, to say that you are quite out 44 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. in your reckoning as to dry-salters and citizens going to the Opera in hackney-coaches, and she hopes you will correct your calumny about our being in the straw. A friend of Pa's, who lives in the Minories, who is a great friend of Mr. Broom's, the Queejj's lawyer, says that you are very malicious, and that, after all your pretended kindness last year, in putting in Ma's account of our party graih for nothing, you only did it to quiz us ; and Ma' says she shall continue to go to the Opera as long as she pleases, and she does not care whether the people have any clothes on, or none, so long as her betters countenances it. '' P.S. — Pa's young men play at Cardinal Puff, with table- beer, after supper every night, — so you see we have got tliat from the West End." III. MISS LAVINIA'S LETTER FROM PARIS, FORWARD- ING HER MOTHER'S JOURNAL IN ENGLAND AND FRANCE. To John Bull. Paris, Dec. 10, 1823. My deak Mr. B., — The kindness with which you put in the account of our party last year, induces my Mamma to desire me to write to you again, to know if you would like to insert a journal of her travels. My Papa has retired from business ; he has left the shop in the Minories, and has taken a house in Montague Place — a beautiful street very far west, and near the British Museum — and my two younger sisters have been sent over here, to improve their education and their morals, and Mamma and I came over last week to see them, and if they had got polish enough, to take them home again. Papa would not come THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. 45 with us, because, when he was quite a youth, he got a very great alarm in Chelsea Reach, because the waterman would put up a sail, and from that time to this he never can be pre- vailed upon to go to sea ; so we came over under the care of Mr. Fulmer, the banker's son, who was coming to his family. Mamma has not devoted much of her time to the study of English, and does not understand French at all, and therefore perhaps her journal will here and there appear incorrect, but she is a great etymologist, and so fond of you, that although I believe Mr. Murray, the great bookseller in Albemarle Street, would give her, I do not know how many thousand pounds for her book, if she published it " all in the lump," as Papa says, she prefers sending it to you piecemeal, and so you will have it every now and then, as a portion of it is done. I have seen Mr. Fulmer laugh sometimes when she has been reading it ; but I see nothing to laugh at, except the hard words she uses, and the pains she takes to find out meanings for things. She says if you do not like to print it, you may let Murray have it — but that, of course, she would prefer your doing it. I enclose a portion — more shall come soon. Papa, I believe, means to ask you to dinner when we get back to town ; he says you are a terrible body, and as he has two or three weak points in his character, he thinks it better to be friends with you than foes. I know of but one fault he has — yes, perhaps two — but I will not tell you what they are till I see whether you publish Mamma's journal. Adieu ! I was very angry with you for praising little Miss M. at the Lord Mayor's Dinner ; I know her only by sight : we are not quite in those circles yet, but I think when we get into Montague Place we may see something of life. She is a very pretty girl, and very amiable, and that is the truth of it, but you had no business to say so, you fickle monster. Yours truly, Lavinia Higginbottom. 46 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. We proceeded, after reading this letter, to open the enclo- sure, and found what follows. We do not presume to alter one word, but when any trifling difficulty occurs, arising from the depth of Mrs. Higginbottom's research, we have ventured to insert a note. The title of the manuscript is ENGLAND AND FRANCE, By Dorothea Julia Higginbottom. And thus, gentle reader, it ran : — " Having often heard travellers lament not having put down what they call the memorybillious of their journies, I was determined while I was on my tower, to keep a dairy (so called from containing the cream of one's information), and record everything which recurred to me — therefore I begin with my departure from London. " Resolving to take time by the firelock, we left Mountague Place at seven o'clock by Mr. Fulmer's pocket thermometer, and proceeded over Westminster-bridge to explode the Euro- pean continent. " I never pass Whitehall without dropping a tear to the memory of Charles the Second, who was decimated after the rebellion of 1745 opposite the Horse-Guards — his memorable speech to Archbishop Caxon rings in my ears whenever I pass the spot — I reverted my head, and affected to look to see what o'clock it was by the dial, on the opposite side of the way. "It is quite impossible not to notice the improvements in this part of the town ; the beautiful view which one gets of Westminster Hall, and its curious roof, after which, as every- body knows, its builder was called William Roofus. "Amongst the lighter specimens of modern architecture, is Ashley's Ampletheatre, on your right, as you cross the bridge, (which was built, Mr. Fulmer told me, by the Court of Arches and the House of Peers). In this ampletheatre THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. 47 there are equestrian performances, so called because they are exhibeted nightly — during the season. " It is quite impossible to quit this ' mighty maze,' as Lady Hopkins emphatically calls London, in her erudite 'Essay upon Granite,' without feeling a thousand powerful sensa- tions — so much wealth, so much virtue, so much vice, such business as is carried on, within its precincts, such influence as its inhabitants possess in every part of the civiHzed world — it really exalts the mind from meaner things, and casts all minor considerations far behind one. "The toll at the Marsh-gate is ris since we last come through — it was here we were to have taken up Lavinia's friend, Mr. Smith, who had promised to go with us to Dover, but we found his servant instead of himself, with a billy, to say he was sorry he could not come, because his friend. Sir John somebody, wished him to stay and go down to Poll at Lincoln. I have no doubt this Poll, whoever she may be, is a very respectable young woman, but mentioning her, by her christian name only, in so abrupt a manner, had a very un- pleasant appearance at any rate. " Nothing remarkable occurred till we reached the Obstacle in St. George's Fields, where our attention was arrested by those great institutions, the * School for the Lidignant Blind,' and the 'Misanthropic Society' for making shoes, both of which claim the gratitude of the nation. " At the comer of the lane leading to Peckham, I saw that they had removed the DoUygraph which used to stand up on the declivity to the right of the road — the doUygraphs are all to be superseded by Serampores. "When we came to the Green Man at Blackheath we had an opportunity of noticing the errors of former travellers, for the heath is green, and the man is black ; Mr. Fulmer endeavoured to account for this, by saying that Mr. Colman has discovered that Moors being black, and Heaths being a kind of Moor, he looks upon the confusion of words as the cause of the mistake. 48 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. " N.B. Colman is the eminent Itinerary Surgeon, who constantly resides at St. Pancras. "As we went near Woolwich we saw at a distance the artillery officers on a common, a firing away with their bombs in mortars like any thing. "At Dartford they make gunpowder; here we changed horses, at the inn we saw a most beautiful Khoderick Random in a pot, covered with flowers, it is the finest I ever saw, except those at Dropmore. [Note (Rhododendron).] "When we got to Rochester we went to the Crown Inn and had a cold collection : the charge was absorbent — I had often heard my poor dear husband talk of the influence of the Crown, and a Bill of Wrights, but I had no idea what it really meant till we had to pay one. "As we passed near Chatham I saw several Pitts, and Mr. Fulmer showed me a great many buildings — I beHeve he said they were fortyfications, but I think there must have been near fifty of them — he also shewed us the Lines at Chatham, which I saw quite distinctly, with the clothes drying on them. Rochester was remarkable in King Charles's time, for being a very witty and dissolute place, as I have read in books. "At Canterbury we stopped ten minutes to visit all the remarkable buildings and curiosities in it, and about its neighbourhood ; the church is beautiful : when Oliver Crom- well conquered William the Third, he perverted it into a stable — the stalls are still standing — the old Virgin who shewed us the church, wore buckskin breeches and powder — he said it was an archypiscopal sea, but I saw no sea, nor do I think it possible he could see it either, for it is at least seventeen miles ofi* — we saw Mr. Thomas a Beckett's tomb — my poor husband was extremely intimate with the old gentle- man, and one of his nephews, a very nice man, who lives near Golden-square, dined with us twice, I think, in London — in Trinity Chapel is the monument of Eau de Cologne, just as it is now exhibiting at the Diarrea in the Regent's Park. THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. 49 " It was late when we got to Dover : we walked abont while our dinner was preparing, looking forward to our snug tete-d-tete of three — we went to look at the sea, so called, perhaps, from the uninterrupted view one has, when upon it — it was very curious to see the locks to keep in the water here, and the keys which are on each side of them, all ready, I suppose, to open them if they were wanted. *' Mr. Fulmer looked at a high place, and talked of Shaks- peare, and said out of his own head, these beautiful lines. — " Half way down Hangs one that gathers camphire, dreadful trade." " This, I think it but right to say, I did not myself see. — " Methinks he seems no bigger than his head, The fishermen that walk upon the beach Appear Uke mice." " This, again, I cannot quite agree to, for where we stood, they looked exactly like men, only smaller, which I attribute to the effect of distance — and then Mr. Fulmer said this — " And yon tall anchoring bark Diminished to her cock — her cock a boy ! " *' This latter part I do not in the least understand, nor what Mr. Fulmer meant by cock a boy — however, Lavinia seemed to comprehend it all, for she turned up her eyes and said something about the immortal bird of heaven — so I suppose they were alluding to the eagles, which doubtless build their aviaries in that white mountain — (immortal bard of Avon, the lady means). " After dinner we read the Paris Guide, and looked over the list of all the people who had been incontinent during the season, whose names are all put down in a book at the inn, for the purpose — we went to rest, much fatigued, knowing that we should be obliged to get up early, to be ready for embrocation in the packet in the morning, ' 4 50 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. " We were, however, awake with the owl, and a walking a way before eight, we went to see the castle — which was built, the man told us, by Seizer, so called, I conclude, from seizing whatever he could lay his hands on — the man said moreover that he had invaded Britain and conquered it, upon which I told him that if he repeated such a thing in my pre- sence again, I should write to Mr, Peel about him. " We saw the inn where Alexander, the Autograph of all the Russias, lived when he was here, and as we were going along, we met twenty or thirty dragons mounted on horses, the ensign who commanded them was a friend of Mr. Ful- mer's — he looked at Lavinia, and seemed pleased with her Tooting assembly— he was quite a sine qua non of a man, and wore tips on his lips, like Lady Hopkins's poodle. " I heard Mr. Fulmer say he was a son of Marr's ; he spoke it as if every body knew his father, so I suppose he must be the son of the poor gentleman, who was so barbar- ously murdered some years ago, near Ratcliffe Highway : if he is, he is uncommon genteel. " At twelve o'clock we got into a boat and rowed to the packet ; it was very fine and clear for the season, and Mr. Fulmer said he should not dislike pulling Lavinia about, all the morning : this I believe was a naughtycal phrase, which I did not rightly comprehend, because Mr. F. never offered to talk in that way on shore, to either of us. " The packet is not a parcel as I imagined, in which we were to be made up for exportation, but a boat of considerable size ; it is called a cutter — why, I do not know, and did not like to ask. It was very curious to see how it rolled about — how- ever I felt quite mal-apropos, and instead of exciting any of the soft sensibilities of the other sex, a great unruly man, who held the handle of the ship, bid me lay hold of a companion, and when I sought his arm for protection, he introduced me to a ladder, down which I ascended into the cabin, one of the most curious places I ev^r beheld, where ladies and gentle- men are put upon shelves like books in a library, and where THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. 5 I tall men are doubled up like boot-jacks, before they can be put away at all. '' A gentleman in a hairy cap without his coat, laid me per- pendicularly on a mattress, with a basin by my side, and said that was my birth ; I thought it would have been my death, for I never was so indisposed in all my Hfe. I behaved ex- tremely ill to a very amiable middle-aged gentleman with a bald head, who had the misfortune to be attending upon his wife, in the little hole under me. ** There was no symphony to be found among the tars, (so called from their smell) for just before we went off I heard them throw a painter overboard, and directly after, they called out to one another to hoist up an ensign. I was too ill to enquii'e what the poor young gentleman had done, but after I came up stairs I did not see his body hanging anywhere, so I conclude they had cut him dowTi ; I hope it was not young Mr. Marr a venturing after my Lavy. *' I was quite shocked to find what democrats the sailors are — they seem to hate the nobility, and especially the law lords : the way I discovered this apathy of theirs to the nobiHty, was this — the very moment we lost sight of England and were close to France, they began, one and all, to swear first at the peer, and then at the bar, in such gross terms as made my very blood run cold. " I was quite pleased to see Lavinia sitting with Mr. Fulmer in the travelHng carriage on the outside of the packet. But Lavinia afforded great proofs of her good bringing up, by commanding her feelings — it is curious what could have agitated the billiary ducks of my stomach, because I took every precaution which is recommended in different books to prevent ill- disposition. I had some mutton chops at break- fast, some Scotch marmalade on bread and butter, two eggs, two cups of coffee and three of tea, besides toast, a little fried whiting, some potted charr, and a few shrimps, and after breakfast I took a glass of warm white wine negus, and a few oysters, which lasted me till we got into the boat, when I 52 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. began eating gingerbread nuts, all the way to the packet, and then was persuaded to take a glass of bottled porter to keep every thing snug and comfortable." And here ends our present communication. We are mightily obliged to Miss Higginbottom, and shall with great pleasure continue the journal, whenever we are presented with it. IV. HIGGINBOTTOM AND RAMSBOTTOM. To John Bull. Montague Place, Dec. 24, 1823. SiK, — I never wished either my wife or daughter to turn authoresses, as I think ladies which write books are called, and I should have set my face against the publication of my wife's Journal of her Tour if I had been consulted ; but the truth is, they seldom ask me anything as to what is to be done, until they have first done it themselves. Now I like you, because you have done the West Indians a good turn, and also because you try to put down the papishes ; but there is a thing which under all the circumstances vexes me, because, as you may remember, Mr. Burke said, " anything which is worth doing is worth doing well." What I quarrel with you for is, that you put my wife's name and my daughter's name as Mrs. and Miss Higginbottom, whereas our name is Ramsbottom, and whether it be the stupidity of your printers, or that my daughter, who has been three years at an uncommon fine school at Hackney, cannot write plain, I do not pretend to say ; but I do not like it, because, since every tub should stand on its own bottom, I think the Hig- ginbottoms should not have the credit of doing what the Ramsbottoms actually do. THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. 53 Perhaps you will correct this little error : it hurts me, because, as I said before, I like you very much, and I have got a few cases of particular champagne, a wine which my friend Kogers tells me, you are extremely fond of, and which he says is better than all the '*real pain" in the world — (nobody ever said it before) ; and when the women return from over the horrid sea, I hope you will come and drink some of it ; so pray just make an erratum, as the booksellers say, and put our right names in your paper, by doing which you will really oblige, your's, HUMPHEEY RaMSBOTTOM. P.S. — My second daughter is a very fine girl, and I think as clever as Lavy, and writes a much clearer hand — you shall see her when you come to M Place. V. MISS LAVINIA RAMSBOTTOM FORWARDS THE CON- TINUATION OF HER MOTHER'S DIARY. To John Bull. Paris, Dec. 28, 1823. Deab Mr. B., — I never was so sm-prised in my life as when we got your paper here, to see that your printing people had called Ma' and me Higginbottom — I was sure, and I told Ma' so, that it could not be your fault, because you could not have made such a mistake in my handwriting, nor could you have forgotten me so much as to have done such a thing ; but I suppose you were so happy and comfortable with your friends ^(for judging by the number of your enemies you must have a host of them) at this merry season, that you did not pay so much attention to your correspondents as 54 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. usual. I forgive you, my dear Mr. B. — Christmas comes but once a-year, and I assure you we had a small lump of roast beef [portion pour deux) from M. Godeau's, over the way, to keep up our national custom — the man actually asked Ma' whether she would have a rost-bif de mouton; so little do they know anything about it. I send another portion of Ma's diary — you spelt it " dairy" in the paper — I don't know whether Ma' put it so herself — she is quite pleased at seeing it published, and Mr. Fulmer called and said it was capital. We have just come from the Ambassador's chapel, and are going to see St. Cloud directly, so I cannot write much my- self, but must say adieu. — Always believe me, dear Mr. B., yours truly, Lavinia Ramsbottom. ENGLAND AND FRANCE, By Dorothea Julia Ramsbottom. (Continued.) '* "When we came near the French shore, a batto (which is much the same as a boat in England) came off to us, and, to my agreeable surprise, an Englishman came into our ship ; and I believe he was a man of great consequence, for I over- heard him explaining some dreadful quarrel which had taken place in our Royal Family. "He said to the master of our ship, that owing to the Prince Leopold having run foul of the Duchess of Kent while she was in stays, the Duchess had missed Deal. By which I conclude it was a dispute at cards — however, I want to know nothing of state secrets, or I might have heard a great deal more, because it appeared that the Duchess's head was considerably injured in the scuffle. THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. 55 *' I was very much distressed to see that a ftit gentleman who was in the ship, had fallen into a fit of perplexity by over-reaching himself — he lay prostituted upon the floor, and if it had not been that we had a doctor in the ship, who im- mediately opened his temporary artery and his jocular vein, with a lancelot which he had in his pocket, I think we should have seen his end. " It was altogether a most moving spectacle — he thought himself dying, and all his anxiety in the midst of his distress was to be able to add a crocodile to his will, in favour of his niece, about whom he appeared very sanguinary. "It was quite curious to see the doctor fleabottomize the pitient, which he did without any accident, although it blew a perfect harrico at the time. I noticed two little children, who came out of the boat, with hardly any clothes on them, speaking French like anything — a proof of the superior edu- cation given to the poor in France, to that which they get in England from Dr. Bell of Lancaster. " When we landed at Callous, we were extremely well re- ceived, and I should have enjoyed the sight very much, but Mr. Fulmer, and another gentleman in the batto, kept talking of nothing but how turkey and grease disagreed with each other, which, in the then state of my stomach, was far from agreeable. " We saw the print of the foot of Louis Desweet, the French King, where he first stopped when he returned to his country — he must be a prodigious heavy man to have left such a deep mark in the stone — we were surrounded by Com- missioners, who were so hospitable as to press us to go to their houses without any ceremony. Mr. Fulmer showed our pass-ports to a poor old man, with a bit of red ribband tied to his button-hole, and we went before the Mayor, who is no more like a Mayor than my foot-boy. " Here they took a subscription of our persons, and one of the men said that Lavinia had a jolly manton, at which the clerks laughed, and several of them said she was a jolly 56 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. feel, which I afterwards understood meant a pretty girl — I misunderstood it for fee, which, being in a public office, was a very natural mistake. " We went then to a place they call the Do- Anne, where they took away the pole of my baruch — I was very angry at this, but they told me we were to travel in Lemonade with a biddy, which I did not understand, but Mr. Fulmer was kind enough to explain it to me as we went to the hotel, which is in a narrow street, and contains a garden and court- yard. " I left it to Mr. Fulmer to order dinner, for I felt extremely piquant, as the French call it, and a very nice dinner it was — we had a purey, which tasted very like soap — one of the men said it was made from leather, at least so I understood, but it had quite the flavour of hare ; I think it right here to caution travellers against the fish at this place, which looks very good, but which I have reason to believe is very un- wholesome, for one of the waiters called it poison while speaking to the other — the fish was called marine salmon, but it looked like veal cutlets. *' They are so fond of Buonaparte still that they call the table-cloths Naps, in compliment to him — this I remarked to myself, but said nothing about it to anybody else, for fear of consequences. " One of the waiters, who spoke English, asked me if I would have a little Bergami, which surprised me, till Mr. Fulmer said it was the wine he was handing about, when I refused it, preferring to take a glass of Bucephalus. " When we had dined we had some coffee, which is here called cabriolet ; after which Mr. Fulmer asked if we would have a chasse, which I thought meant a hunting party, and said I was afraid of going out into the fields at that time of night — but I found chasse was a lickure called cure a sore (from its healing qualities, I suppose), and very nice it was — after we had taken this, Mr. Fulmer went out to look at the jolly feels in the shops of Callous, which I thought indiscreet THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. j;/ in the cold air ; however, I am one as always overlooks the little piccadillies of youth. *' When we went to accoucher at night, I was quite sur- prised in not having a man for a chambermaid ; and if it had not been for the entire difference of the style of furniture, the appearance of the place, and the language and dress of the attendants, I never should have discovered that we had changed our country in the course of the day. " In the morning early we left Callous with the Lemonade, which is Shafts, with a very tall post-boy, in a violet- coloured jacket, trimmed with silver; he rode a little horse, which is called a biddy, and wore a nobbed tail, which thumped against his back like a patent self-acting knocker. We saw, near Bullion, Buonaparte's conservatory, out of which he used to look at England in former days. '' Nothing remarkable occurred till we met a courier a travelling, Mr. Fulmer said, with despatches ; these men were called couriers immediately after the return of the Bonbons, in compliment to the London newspaper, which always wrote in their favour. At Montrule, Mr. Fulmer shewed me Sterne's Inn, and there I saw Mr. Sterne him- self, a standing at the door, with a French cocked hat upon his head, over a white night-cap. Mr. Fulmer asked if he had any becauses in his house ; but he said no : what they were I do not know to this moment. " It is no use describing the different places on our rout, because Paris is the great object of all travellers, and there- fore I shall come to it at once — it is reproached by a revenue of trees ; on the right of which you see a dome, like that of St. Paul's, but not so large. Mr. Fulmer told me it was an invalid, and it did certainly look very yellow in the distance ; on the left you perceive Mont Martyr, so called from the number of windmills upon it. *'I was very much surprised at the height of the houses, and the noise of the carriages in Paris : and was delighted when we got to our hotel, which is Wag Ram ; why I did 58 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS, not like to enquire ; it is just opposite the Roya^. Timber- yard, which is a fine building, the name of which is cut in stone. — Timhre Boy at. " The hotel which I have mentioned is in the Rue de la Pay, so called from its being the dearest part of the town. At one end of it is the place Fumdum, where there is a pillow as high as the Trojan's Pillow at Rome, or the pom- pous pillow in Egypt ; this is a beautiful object, and is made of all the guns, coats, waistcoats, hats, boots and belts, which belonged to the French who were killed by the cold in Prus- sia at the fire of Moscow. " At the top of the pillow is a small apartment, which they call a pavillion, and over that a white flag, which I concluded to be hoisted as a remembrance of Buonaparte, being very like the table-cloths I noticed at Callous. "We lost no time in going into the gardens of the Tooleries, where we saw the statutes at large in marvel — here we saw Mr. Backhouse and Harry Edney, whoever they might be, and a beautiful grope of Cupid and Physic, together with several of the busks which Lavy has copied, the original of which is in the Vacuum at Rome, which was formerly an office for government thunder, but is now reduced to a stable where the Pope keeps his bulls. " Travellers like us, who are mere birds of prey, have no time to waste, and therefore we determined to see all we could in each day, so we went to the great church, which is called Naughty Dam, where we saw a priest doing something at an altar. Mr. Fulmer begged me to observe the knave of the church, but I thought it too hard to call the man names in his own country, although Mr. Fulmer said he believed he was exercising the evil spirits in an old lady in a black cloak. " It was a great day at this church, and we staid for mass, so called from the crowd of people who attend it — the priest was very much incensed — we waited out the whole ceremony, and heard Tedium sung, which occupied three hours. '' We returned over the Pont Neuf, so called from being the THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. 59 north bridge in Paris, and here we saw a beautiful image of Henry Carter ; it is extremely handsome, and quite green — I fancied I saw a likeness to the Carters of Portsmouth, but if it is one of his family, his posteriors are very much dimi- nished in size and figure. *' Mr. Fulmer proposed that we should go and dine at a tavern called Very — because every thing is very good there ; and accordingly we went, and I never was so malapropos in my life — there were two or three ladies quite in nubibus ; but when I came to look at the bill of fare, I was quite anileated, for I perceived that Charlotte de Pommes might be sent for for one shilling and twopence, and Patty de Yeau for half-a- crown. I desired Mr. Fulmer to let us go ; but he convinced me there was no harm in the place, by shewing me a dignified clergyman of the Church of England and his wife, a eating away like any thing. *' We had a voulez vous of fowl, and some sailor's eels, which were very nice, and some pieces of crape, so disguised by the sauce that nobody who had not been told what it was would have distinguished them from pancakes — after the sailor's eels we had some pantaloon cutlets, which were savoury — but I did not like the writing paper — however, as it was a French custom, I eat every bit of it — they call sparrow- grass here asperge, I could not find out why. " If I had not seen what wonderful men the French cooks are, who actually stew up shoes with partridges, and make very nice dishes too, I never could have beheved the influence they have in the politics of the country — everything is now decided by the cooks, who make no secret of their feelings, and the party who are still for Buonaparte call themselves traitors, while those who are partizans of the Bonbons are termed Restaurateurs, or friends of the Restoration. " After dinner a French monsheur, who I thought was a waiter, for he had a bit of red ribbon at his button-hole, just the same as one of the waiters had, began to talk to Mr. Fulmer, and it was agreed we should go to the play — they 60 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. talked of Racing and Cornliill, which made me think the mounsheur had been in England — however, it was arranged that we were to go and see Andrew Mackay at the Francay, or Jem Narse, or the Bullvards ; but at last it was decided unanimously, crim. con. that we should go to see Jem Narse, and so we went — but I never saw the man himself after all. " A very droll person, with long legs and a queer face, sung a song which pleased me very much, because I understood the end of it perfectly — it was ' tal de lal de lal de lal,' and sounded quite like English — after he had done, although every body laughed, the whole house called out ' beast, beast,' and the man, notwithstanding, was foolish enough to sing it over again." VI. ADVENTURES AT PARIS. To Mr. Bull. Paris, January 28, 1824. Sir, — As my daughter Lavy, who acts as my amaranthus, is ill-disposed with a cold and guittar, contracted by visiting the Hecatombs last week, I send this without her little billy which she usually sends ; my second daughter has sprained her tender hercules in crossing one of the roues, and my third daughter has got a military fever, which, however, I hope, by putting her through a regiment, and giving her a few subterfuges, will soon abate. I am, however, a good deal embracee, as the French say, with so many invalids. Since I wrote last, I have visited the HuUaballoo, or corn- market, so called from the noise made in it ; Mr. Fulmer told me I should see the flower of the French nation there, but I only saw a crowd of old men and old women ; here is a pillow made for judicious astronomy, but which looks like a sun-dial. THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. 6 1 We went, on Tuesday, to the symetery of the Chaise-and-pair, as they call it, where the French and English are miscellane- ously interred, and I amused myself by copying the epigi'ams on the tombstones — one of them, which looked like a large bath, Mr. Fulmer told me was a sark of a goose, which I had previously heard my friend Mr. Rogers call Mr. Hume's shirt. In the afternoon we went to dine at Beau Villiers's — not the Mr. Villiers who owes our Government so much money — but the smell of the postillions which were burning in the rooms quite overpowered me. I got better in the evening, and as the girls were not with us, Mr. Fulmer took me round the Palais Royal, which is a curious place indeed. We saw several Russian war houses, and went into the " Caffee de Milk alone," so called because, when Bonypart confisticated the cargoes from the West Indies, and propagated the use of coffee, the lady who kept this place made a mixture with milk alone, which answered all the purpose of coffee. The room is surrounded by looking-glasses, so that the people are al- ways multiplying who go there : the lady herself was very beautiful, but Mr. Fulmer told me she was constantly reflected upon. Mr. F. took some melted glass, upon which I did not like to venture, but contented myself with a tumbler of cater- pillar and water. Wednesday we went to the Shampdemars (which is opposite to the Pere Elisee), and saw a review of the Queerasses of the Royal Guard. The sister of the late Dolphin was present — the Dolphin of France is the same as the Prince of AVhales in England. The Duke of Anglehome came by, from hunting, just at the time ; I am told he is quite a Ramrod in the chace. The troops performed their revolutions with decision, and having manured all over the ground, fired a fiUe de joy, and returned to their quarters. We went yesterday to what is their Parliament House, and while were a waiting in the antic-room, I saw a picture of Lewes de Sweet himself, in a large purple robe, lined with vermin and covered with fleur de lice. Being a stranger, I 62 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. was allowed to look into the chamber ; it is not quite what I expected : there seemed to be a man in a bar, with a bell before him, and the men who were speaking spoke all in French, and looked very shabby and mean ; to be sure, they were only the deputies — it would have been more lucky if we had seen the members themselves. Lavy, I think, has got a puncheon for Mr. Fulmer, and I am afraid is a fretting about it, but this is quite cet a dire between us, Mr. B. He says her figure is like the Venus de Medicine, which is no doubt owing to the pulling down she has had of late. We are going next week to Sanclew again, but we travel in such an odd carriage, that I cannot prevail upon myself to mention its name. You must excuse a short letter to-day. I was determined to write, else I thought our friends in Westminster might be disappointed. You shall hear more at large by the next opportunity. Always yours, D. J. Eamsbottom. If you see Mr. R., tell him Mr. Fulmer has bought him two pictures ; one of Ten Years, the other of Old Beans ; I am no judge, but they are very black, and shine beautifully — they are considered shift doovers in these parts. VII. FURTHER ADVENTURES AT PARIS. Paris, March 15, 1824. My dear Bull, — I believe I shall soon have to announce that Mr. Fulmer has led my Lavy to the halter — but I am unwilling to be too sanguinary ; should that happen, however, we shall extend our tower, and proceed to the Pay de Veau, THE RA MSB OTTO M PAPERS. 6-^ and finally to Room, where Mr. Fulmer is to explain all the antics, what you so well know are collected there. We have been to-day to see the Hotel de Veal, so called, I believe, from being situated in the Calf-market ; it is now styled the Place de Grave, because all the malefactors who are decimated by the gulleting (an instrument so called from its cutting the sufferer's throat) are buried there. We crossed over the Pont Neuf, in order to go again to see the Mass. As we went along, I purchased two beautiful sieve jars, with covers, on purpose to keep Popery in. I believe I forgot to say that we went one morning to an expedition of pictures at the Looksombre palace, so called from its dull situation. It was very fine : one particularly struck my fancy. It was Phoebe offering Hector to the Gods. There was another of Morpheus charming the Beasts, which was extremely moving ; there was also a beautiful portrait of a lady, and Mr. Fulmer said she was in excellent keeping. I did not, of course, ask who she was, and I wonder how they can admit likenesses of that class of people into such a place. Mr. Fulmer shewed me a large picture, painted by David, which is wonderfully fresh, considering its vast age. I knew David was the greatest musician of his time, but I did not know that he was a painter into the bargain. These genuses are always gifted creturs. We have been to the Jardin des Plantes, or place for wild beasts, where we saw some lepers and tygers — and two birds called carraways, from India; there is also an oliphant, which contradicts the absurd story that these animals carry their trunks about with them — this great creature had nothing but a long snout, which made him look to me as if his tail had been mis- placed — it was intended by Bonypart to put the statute of one of these animals up, for a fountain on the Bullwards, indeed the impediment is already constructed. I was very much delighted with the place Louis Quinzy — so called from his having died of a sore throat — the Admiralty is situated here, with a dolly graph on the top — Mr. Fuhner 64 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. introduced me to one of the officers in the naval department, who was a very favourable specimen of the French moreen. We went to the Odium, a favourite playhouse of Bonypart's, on purpose to see the Civil Barber, a play written by one Beau Marchy — but we were disappointed, for the house was not open, so by way of a pease-alley, as Mr. Fulmer calls it, we went to the Fait d'Eau, a kind of French uproar, where we paid very dear for tickets, and got no places after all. I was quite sick and tired of the affair altogether, and if Mr. Fulmer had not got me a caffe au lait to carry me home, I think I should have perspired from fatigue. I had almost forgot to tell you that we went to the palace at Marselles, distant from this about ten miles — it is indeed a beautiful place. There we saw the great Owes playing, which is water- works, and represents water coming out of the tails of Lions, and out of the ears and noses of frogs and god- desses, as natural as the life. Here is a wonderful fine chapel, all of marvel, and a strait canal which has no end — I forget how much it cost the nation to make all this water, but I am sure it is cheap at the money whatever it may be — though by the name it seems to be still owing. Mr. Fulmer called such an expense an easy mode of Hquidating a national debt — ^but really I don't know why. I have little time for more at present, because two of the doctors from the Sore-bone are coming to see my daughter's sprained ancle to-night ; but it is curious to remark how foolish the people are, when one has not a gentleman with one, for Mr. Fulmer being out to-day, I sent to the Traitors for the bill of fare, and the man talked of sending the dinner in a cart, which I thought was useless, it being only just over the way. So they sent the bill, and I not being particular, and not understanding the names of the things, ordered the first four dishes in the list, and they sent me four different sorts of soup, and when I complained of the cook, the garkon or waiter talked of quizzing and quizzing her, (doubtlessly meaning me) as if I had been a person of no consequence — THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. 65 indeed he once or twice went so far as to swear at me, and say dam when he spoke to me, but I had nobody at home to take my part, and therefore I eat the four soups and said nothing about it. The daughter of Mr. Ratschild is going to be married — • they call liim Creases, but he is a Jew. He gives her a dot the day of her wedding, of five millions of franks ; but for all he is so rich, they say he is quite circumsized in his affairs compared with his brother in London — his daughter will be made a barrenness when she is married. Mr. Cambray Serres is more — which here means no more. I suppose, by his name, that he is related to our royal family at home. Do you know, Mr. Bull, that I have found out one very sur- prising thing, the French ridicule the English in every thing ; they have got a farce which they call " Anglase poor rear," which is quite scandalous, and every thing they have, they nick-name after us ; they call a note Billy, and a book Tom ; a pie they have clii'istened Patty ; they call the mob a fool ; any thing that is very shameful they call Hunt, but whether they mean John, Henry, Joseph, or Leigh, I cannot discover — they call the winter a heaver — the autumn Old Tom, and the summer they call Letty. I think the French must have been originally Irish, for they say crame for cream, and suprame for supreme, and so on : but I will endeavour to find out more about this. I went to see a vealyard (that is, an old man), who had been a sort of anchor-wright or hermit many years ago ; he had been put into the dungeons of the Inquisition in furs, and suflfered what they call the piano-forte and door of that terrible place — if we go to Room we shall see the buildings in which he was confined, and I dare say we shall go there, and from that to Naples, and into the Gulp of Venus, and so to Cecily, which I shall very much like whoever she may be, because I knew a namesake of her's down in Dorsetshire. I must, however, conclude my letter, for I am hurried for 6 66 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. Tim — Lavy begs her best love, and says in case she is married you must write her epitaph. Why do you not call upon Mr. R.? he will be very glad to see you, and now that he is alone he lives, in compliment to me, entirely upon turtle. Dorothea J. Ramsbottom. VIII. MES. RAMSBOTTOM BACK IN LONDON. To John Bull. Montague Place, Friday, April 23, 1824. My dear Mr. Bull, — I think you will be surprized at the prescription of this letter with the P.P. mark of the two- penny post ; but poor Mr, Ramsbottom being seriously ill- disposed, we were off from Paris at a moment's notice, for as good fortune would have it, my embargo which I wrote about was quite removed by the use of Steers's hopalittledog and bang shows every night. Mr. R. is a little better, and has lost a good deal of what the French call song; indeed our medical man relies very much on the use of his lancaulet. The fact is, that the turtles is come over from the West Hinges, and Mr. R. com- mitted a fox paw at the King's Head, in the Poultry, which caused our doctor (who lives in this neighbourhood, and is lively as he is kind) to say that as Mr. Ramsbottom nearly died by Bleaden, so bleeding must restore him. Bleaden is the name of the gentleman who keeps the King's Head, and bleeding, as you know, is the vulgar term for flea- bottomizing. I fear you have not received my journal regular, nor do I think I have told you of our seeing the Louver, which we did the very day before we left Paris. I own, amongst the THE R A MSB OTTO M PAPERS. 6^ statutes, the Fighting Alligator pleased me most. As for Rubens's pictures, I could not look at them ; for though Mr. Fulmer kept talking of the drapery, I saw no drapery at all ; and in one, \vhich is of Adonass preventing Venice from being chaste, the lady is sitting on a gold striped jacket. Mr. Fulmer said she had got an enormous anacreonism, at which Lavy laughed ; so I suppose it had some allusion to her favourite writer, Mr. Moore, who is called Anacreon — why, I never could understand, unless it refers to the fashionable Maladies which he has introduced into the best society. A beautiful statute of Apollo with the Hypocrite pleased me very much, and a Fawn which looks like a woman done by Mons. Praxytail, a French stone-mason, is really curious. A picture of The Bicknells is I suppose a family grope, but the young women appeared tipsy, which is an odd state to be drawn in — the statute of Manylaws is very fine, and so is Cupid and Physic, dificrent from the one which I noticed before. Mr. Fulmer shewed us some small old black pictures, which I did not look at much, because he told us they were Remnants, and of course very inferior. A fine painting by Carlo my Hearty pleased me, and we saw also something by Sail Vataraso, a lady who was somehow concerned with the little woman I have seen at Peckham Fair in former days, called Lady Morgan. We had one dinner at Riches, a coffee-house on the Bull- wards, and curious enough, it was the very day that poor Mr. Ram overeat himself in the City — we had some stewed Angles, and a couple of Pulls done up in a dish of Shoe ; which is much of a muchness with English fowl and cabbage — we had afterwards an amulet of sulphur and some things done in crumbs of bread, which they wanted to pass ofi" upon me as wheat-ears — but I had not lived at Brighton two seasons for nothing, and do happen to know the difference between wheat-ears and oysters ; and so I told them. 68 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. Mr. Fulmer ordered a bottle of* Oil of Purdry, which tasted a good deal like Champaigne, but he said it was mouse ; the girls liked it, and Lavy laughed so loud that she quite astonished an officer of Chindammery who was drinking cafe at the next table. I have left my third and fourth daughters in Paris, to finish their education — they will be taught every thing that girls can be taught, and are to be regularly boarded every day (without regard to its being Lent) for less than seventy pounds per ann. ; and they learn so many more things in France than girls do in England, that when they return they might set up for mistresses themselves — what an advantage there must be to a young woman, who is likely to have occasion for it in her latter end, in a continent education — they call these schools puncheons. I desired, of course, that the Popish Prater, or priest, might have no communication with my girls — I don't approve of what they call the horal confession — to be sure it is a mere matter of feeling — but I saw one young lady in Saint Surplice one day a confessing away to a fine handsome Prater, and I thought it would have been much better done in some more private place than a church. I understood afterwards she was a lady who had been long married, but her husband had no hair to his property, and she used to come every day and confess to the Prater, and pray for a child — poor thing, she seemed very much in earnest. The onion of Lavy with Mr. Fulmer is postponed ; his ant is dead, and it would not be respectful to be married while the dool (as the French call it) continues ; I am driven to the last moment, as Lavy and her sister are analyzing themselves to go to see the great picture of Pompey, in the Strand — Lavy means to write to you next week herself. — Your's truly, Dorothea J. Eamsbottom. THE RA MSB OTTO M PAPERS. 69 IX. MRS. RAMSBOTTOM ANNOUNCES THE DEATH OF HER HUSBAND, AND DESCRIBES HER VISIT TO ROME. To John Bull. Montague Place, Jan» 6, 1825. Dear Mr. Bull, — Why don't you write to us — or call ? We are all of us well, and none of us no more, as perhaps you may suppose, except poor Mr. Ram. — of course you know of his disease, it was quite unexpected, with a spoon^ ful of tui-tle in his mouth — the real gallipot as they call it. However, I have no doubt he is gone to heaven, and my daughters are gone to Bath, except Lavy, who is my pet, and never quits me. The physicians paid great attention to poor Mr. Ram., and he suffered nothing — at least that I know of. It was a very comfortable thing that I was at home shay new, as the French say, when he went, because it is a great pleasure to see the last of one's relations and friends. You know we have been to Room since you heard from us — the infernal city as it is called — the seat of Poopery, and where the Poop himself Hves. He was one of the Carnals, and was elected just before we was there : he has changed his name, not choosing to disgrace his family. He was formerly Doctor Dallyganger, but he now calls himself Leo, which the Papists reverse, and call him Ole or Oleness. He is a fine cretur, and was never married, but he has published a Bull in Room, which is to let people commit all kind of sin without impunity, which is different from your Bull, which shoes up them as does any crime. He is not Poop this year, for he has proclaimed Jew Billy in his place, which is very good, considering the latter gentleman is a general, and. not of his way of thinking. 70 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. Oh, Mr. Bull, Room is raley a beautiful place. — We entered it by the Point of Molly, which is just like the Point and Sally at Porchmouth, only they call Sally there Port, which is not known in Room. The Tiber is not a nice river, it looks yellow ; but it does the same there as the Tames does here. We hired a carry-letty and a cocky- oily, to take us to the Church of Salt Peter, which is prodigious big; — in the center of the pizarro there is a basi- lisk very high— on the right and left two handsome found- lings ; and the farcy, as Mr. Fulmer called it, is orna- mented with collateral statutes of some of the Apostates. There is a great statute of Salt Peter himself, but Mr. Fulmer thinks it to be Jew Peter, which I think likely too ' — there were three brothers of the same name, as of course you know — Jew Peter the fortuitous, the capillary, and toe- nails ; and it is euros that it must be him, for his toes are kissed away by the piety of the religious debauchees who visit his shin and shrine — Besides, I think it is Jew Peter, because why should not he be worshipped as well as Jew Billy ? — Mr. Fulmer made a pun, Lavy told me, and said the difference between the two Jew Billies was, that one drew all the people to the sinagog, and the other set all the people agog to sin — I don't conceive his meaning, which I am afraid is a Dublin tender. There was a large quire of singers, but they squeaked too much to please me — and played on jSddles, so I suppose they have no organs ; — the priests pass all their time in dissolving sinners by oracular confusion, which, like transmogrifica- tion, is part of their doctoring — the mittens in the morning, and whispers at night, is just equally the same as at Paris. Next to Salt Peter's Church is the Church of Saint John the Latter end, where the Poop always goes when he is first made — there is another basiUsk here covered with highro- grifiins. I assure you the Colocynth is a beautiful ruin — it was built for fights, and Mr. Fulmer said that Hell of a gabbler, an THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. 7 1 Emporor, filled his theatre with wine — what a sight of marvels Mr. B. oh, so superb ! — the carraway, and paring, and the jelly and tea-cup, which are all very fine in- deed. The Veteran * (which I used foolishly to call the Vacuum till I had been there), is also filled with statutes — one is the body of the angel Michael, which has been ripped to pieces, and is therefore said to be Tore-so — but I believe this to be a poetical fixture : — the statute of the Racoon is very moving, its tail is prodigious long, and goes round three on 'em — the Antipodes is also a fine piece of execution. As for paintings there is no end to them in Room — Mr. Rafties's Transmigration is I think the finest — much better than liis Harpoons : — there are several done by Hannah Bell Scratchy, t which are beautiful ; I dare say she must be related to Lady Bell, who is a very clever painter, you know, in London. The Delapidation of St. John by George Honey J is very fine, besides several categorical paintings, which pleased me very much. The shops abound with Cammyhoes and Tallyhoes — which last always reminded me of the sports of the field at home, and the cunning of sly Reynolds a getting away from the dogs. They also make Scally hoHes at Rome, and what they call obscure chairs — but, oh Mr. B. what a cemetry there is in the figure of Venus of Medicine, which belongs to the Duke of Tusk and eye — her contortions are perfect. We walked about in the Viccissitude, and hired a maccaroni, or as the French, alluding to the difficulty of satisfying the English, call them, a " lucky to please," and, of course, exploded the Ai-ch of Tightas and the Baths of Diapason. Every day exposes something new there, to the lovers of what they call the belly arty, who have made a great many evacuations in the Forum. Poor Lavy, whom I told you was fond of silly quizzing, fell down on the Tarpaulin Rock, in one of her revelries — Mr. Fulmer said it would make a capital * The Yatican. f Annibale Caracci. + Giorgione. 72 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. story when she got home, but I never heard another syllabub about it. One thing surprised me, the Poop (who wears three crowns together, which are so heavy that they call his cap, a tirer) is always talked of as Paw-paw, which seems very improper, his Oleness was ill the last day we went to the Chapel at the Choir and all, having taken something delirious the day before at dinner ; he was afterwards confined with romantic gout ; but we saw enough of him after, and it was curious to observe the Carnals prostituting themselves successfully before him — he is like the German corn plaster which Mr. Ram used to use — quite unavailable. However, Mr. B., the best part of all, I think, was our coming home — I was so afraid of the pandittis, who were all in trimbush with arquebasades and Bagnets that I had no peace all the time we were on root — but I must say I liked Friskhearty ; and Tiffaly pleased me, and so did Miss Senis's Villa and the Casket Alley ; however home is home, be it never so homely, and here we are, thank our stars. We have a great deal to tell you, if you will but call upon us — Lavy has not been at the halter yet, nor do I know when she will, because of the mourning for poor Mr. Ram — indeed I have suffered a great deal of shag green on account of his disease, and above all have not been able to have a party on Twelfth Night. Yours truly, Dorothea Ramsbottom. Pray write, dear Mr. B. X. MRS. RAMSBOTTOM OBJECTS TO BEING PUT IN A PLAY. Elysium Row, Fulham, July 8, 1825. My dear B., — I am in a dreadful state — I see by the play bills, that a Play about our family at Rhymes is in prepara- THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. 73 tion at Common Garden. When I saw the divertisement in the Currier, I thought I should have perspired. I never was at Rhymes. I saw my own King, God bless him, crowned — but I neither saw Lues de Sweet nor Charles Deece done any- thing to, nor never meant to go. What is the Santampoole to me — I don't hke Poopery, nor ever did. Pray do you know Mr. Coleman (him as I spoke of before) the itinerary surgeon at Pancras ? I am told he cuts out what he likes, of whatever appears at Common Garden, ever since the horses was introduced — if you could contrive to get us emitted, I should be much obligated. Lavy is in a perfect favour about it ; and if dear Mr. Ram was not diseased and in his grave, I think he would have gone mad to see our names blackguarded against the walls — besides, there's our cousins — them is more angry than we. In short, I have no doubt but the Play has been caused by some httle peake against our family, and I trust to your goodness to get it anniliated beforehand. — Your's, ever, dear B., Dorothea Julia Ramsbottom. P.S. If any of your friends wants a house in a rural situation, our house in Montague-place is still to let. XI. MRS. RAMSBOTTOM WRITES FROM DIEPPE. Dippe, January 1, 1826. Dear Mr. B., — You have not heard from any on us for a long time — indeed I have no spirts to write to any body, for Lavy has been very mal indeed — we are stopping at Dippe, so called as you know, from being a bathing-place, for I am worried to death. Our house in Montague-place, which since dear Mr. Ram's disease I cannot think of stopping in, is still to let, which is so much waste of money — it is a nice house, open behind to 74 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. the Mewseum Jordans, and in front all the way to Highgate ; but I cannot get it off my hands. As for Mr. Rani's little property in Gloucestershire, I never can go there, for my lawyer tells me, although we might live there if we like, that one of Mr. Ram's creditors has got a lion on the estate, and I cannot think of going to expose myself to the mercy of a wild cretur like that a running about — however, as the French says, ^'jamais esprit,'' — never mind — I cannot help it. My son Tom, who is a groin up, is to be in the law himself, indeed I have put him out to Grrazing,^^ under a specious pleader — I should like him to be apprenticed to the Lord Chancellor at once, and brought up to the business regular, but I don't know how to get it managed — do you think Mr. Harmer could put me in the way of it ? I only wldte to wish you the full complement of the season — we are a good deal troubled with wind here, but otherwise we are very snug, and there are several high-burning gentle- men of very large property living in Dippe, who are kind enough to dine with us almost every day. I like them — they have no pride at all about them, and, to look at them, you would not think they was worth a Lewy. I take the advantage of a currier, who is in the Bureau here, and is going over with despatches, just to tell you we are alive — if you know anybody as wants an agreeable Rusin- hurby, do recommend our house in M. P. I have no noose, but am your's unhalterably, L. D. Ramsbottom. If you would like to see my dairy continued, I will send you some sheets, which you may print or not, as you choose. Write and say ice oo rtong — wooley woo 1 * Gray's Inn. THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. 75 XII. HASTINGS. To John Bull. Eastey's Hotel, Common Garden, Oct., 1826. Dear B., — It will no doubt be a surprise to you to bear tbat we are back in London ; we landed from a French batow at Hastings the day before yesterday, after a long stay upon the continent. We were very much impeded on landing by some sailors belonging to what I think is very properly called the Blockhead service, who would not let my daughters pass without looking all over them. Two men said they were the customs there, which I thought very odd — one of them told us he was Count Roller, but I did not believe him. My second daughter Amelrosa has at last got a swan of her owTi, to whom she is about to be united in the silken banns of Highman. I have but one objection — he is a French Mounsheer, and do what I can they talk so fast I cannot under- stand them : however, she vcill have him, nolus bolus, as the man says ; and when once her mind is made up, she is as resolute as the laws of the Maids and Parsons. Mr. Rogers, the banker, (I know you know him,) came over with us in the batow, and majie many very odd remarks — one thing he said, at which every body laughed, I could not tell why. My French footer son-in-law asked him what the shore was called, which was close to Hastings. *' Close to Hastings," said Mr. Rogers, " why, Jane Shore, I suppose." He is a very old-looking genns for a whig wag — Mr. Fulmer said he put him in mind of Confusion, the old Chinee philosopher, who was a Mandolin in them parts a year or two ago. Hastings is a beautiful place to my mind ; there is a long parade close to the water, where you may see all the company bathing in the morning like so many dukes. At one end is the place for the ladies, and at the other you see all the 'J^ THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. gentlemen's machines a standing, which are very properly kept at a great distance from the female parts. The houses by the side of this are very nice, and reminded me very much of French houses, with shops under them, only there are no portes cochons. We met an old friend of ours at Hastings, who wanted us to stop a few days, but she was very conspicious, for she wore a black whale, by way of petticoat, and she and her two daughters was all painted both red and white in the morning, which had a very bad look ; so we said we was engaged, and came on as fast as we could — for I was glad enough to get away from all the scurf and billies, which was a roaring upon the bitch. Where we are living now is in Southampton- street, and was the house of Mr. Garrick, the author of " The School for Scandal," and all Shakspeare's plays. The waiter tells us that Mr. Johnston, of Covent-garden, and an old Goldsmith, of the name of Oliver, used very often to dine with him in the very room in which I write this, and that that excellent and amiable man. Sir George Beaumont, who, as you know, wrote half Mr. Fletcher's works, and who is alive and merry at this moment, used to dine here too — but that, I think, is a little trow four,* for Garrick, I believe, has been dead more than two hundred and fifty years. I cannot let my house in Montague Place, because of the new Universality in Gore Street — however, if I go and live there, they say there will be a great many Bachelors in the College, and perhaps I may get ofi" one or two of my girls. I write this while my French footer son-in-law is playing Macarty with his Dulcimer Amelrosa — Macarty is, to my mind, little better than a bad translation of all-fours into French ; but above all, I cannot bare to hear Mounsheer while he is a playing, for whenever he has got the ace of spades in his hand, he talks of a part of Derbyshire which is never mentioned in decent society not by no means whatsoever. * Trojp fort. THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. 77 lu Paris we saw Mr. Cannon, the Secretary of State, but without any state at all — he was just like any other man — and as for his foreign affairs, I saw none that he had — he was quite without pride — not at all like Count Potto o' de Boggo, who is a great Plenipo there, and struts about just as grand as the Roman Consols did, when they used to have their Feces tied up in bundles and carried before them by then* Lickturs. I have no notion of paying such reverence to officers of humane institution for my part, and I quite love Mr. Cannon for his want of ostensibility. We met with an uncommon unpleasant accident coming to towm — one of the horses, which was seized with the staggers, a disorder very like St. Witulus's dance in men, broke his breeches in going down an ill, which very nearly overturned the carriage, which we had hired at Hastings ; for of course we had no coach in the batow, and were glad enough to catch a couple of flies even in this cold season, to convey us to Tunbridge Wells, a place I had never seen before, and which is like Cranburn Alley put out to grass — there are various ills about the neighbourhood, which are named after Scripture, why I cannot tell — we did not drink any of the waters, none of us being in any way deceased. I think I have now taken leave of old Ossian for this season, at all events ; and as far as that goes, if I never see the briny dip again I shall not fret, for though it is a very good thing to breed fish in, I never want to be upon its billies any more. I hope to leave this after Amelrosa is married, which will be soon, I suppose, and the moment I do I will write again ; meanwhile, if you like to drop in to a tete-a-tete of six, we shall always be glad to see you ; and so beheve me, dear B., youi's very truly, Dorothea L. Ramsbottom. P.S. — I have some notion of taking a country house near London, but am divided at present between Acteon and Corydon. y8 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. XIII. MRS. RAMSBOTTOM ON THE HOUSE OF COMMONS. To John Bull. Montague Place, Russell Square, Feb. 1, 1827. Dear B., — You will be surprized at finding me back at the old house — but we have not been able to get rid of it, so we have resolved upon living in it till we can. My second daughter, which married Monsheer Delcroy, is on saint, which pleases him very much — he is quite a gentle- man, and has travailed all over Europe, and has seen all our allies (which means the friendly Courts) upon the Continent — he knows Lord Burgos, which is one of the Henvoys of England, and was chosen to make overtures to some foreign king — I think it was a very good choice, if I may judge ; for I heard one of his overtures the other night at a consort in town, which was beautiful. My son-in-law also knows the Admirable Sir Sidney Smith, what made such a disturbance in Long Acre many years since, of which I cannot say I know the rights. I met your friend, Mr. Rogers, last week at a party, and he made what the French call a tambourine (I think) — there was a supper, and the lady of the house, whose husband is a See captain, had some of the veal on table which had been preserved in a pot, and carried out on a pole by Captain Parry in his last voyage to Ireland, and when Mr. Rogers heard what it was, he congratulated the lady that her hus- band was appointed to a ship, for, says he, " I see, ma'am, he has got the Veal de Parr]! / " — at which every body laughed — but I don't know why, because the Veal de Farry is a French word, and means the Mephistopholis of France. My son-in-law (number one, as I call him) Fulmer, which THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. 79 married Lavy, is a Member of Parliament — he is put in by a great man, whose name I cannot mention ; he tells us a good deal of what they do in the house — he says there are two sets on 'em in there, one is called the Eyes and the other the Nose — the Eyes is the gove'rnment side, because they watch over the people ; and the Nose is them as tries to smell out something wrong — Mr. Calcraft, Mr. Broom, and Mr. Den- man, and them belongs to the Nose party. But what I never knew before is, that there is a coffee- house and a bar there — the gentleman which keeps the coffee- house is called BeUy-me, and he gives them their dinner. Fulmer says you may see many a man who has a stake in the country taking his chop there ; and, because sobriety is considered a pint of decency, they never drink more than a pint of wine with their vitals, which is very proper indeed. This place has been famous for its beef- steaks ever since the rump Parliament. I believe the House of Lords pays for the dinners of the House of Commons, for I see they very often carry up their bills to them. There is another strange thing, which is, that the Speaker has no voice, which I think very droll indeed — but what is more curious still, is, that ladies are never admitted to see the representation, as it is called ; but sometimes they come and peep through the venterlater, which is a hole in the top to let out the smell, and so hears the speeches that way. Talking of Mr. Broom ; only think ! our famous Hay-Tea Company being resolved after all — I got Some shares, because I saw Mr. Broom's name to it, and because it was to do away with slavery in China, where the present tea comes from. I have lost a lump of money by that, and have been very unfortunate all through with these Joint Company pecu- lations. Lavy has got three Real del Monte shares worth 110 premiums — those I had, I beheve, were not real ones at all, for I never got anything whatsoever by them. Only think. Sir, of poor Mr. Prince Tollyrang being knocked down while he was attending as chambermaid to the King, 8o THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. at Sandennie. They have got a joke now in France, my son- in-law (Number too, as I calls him) told me yesterday — They say, "il a reprit ses Culottes"- — Culottes are things which the Popish Priests wear upon their heads ; and the joke turns upon the difference between the culottes and soufflets, which are amulets of eggs, of which I once before wrote to you, from the other side of Old Ossian. I should tell you that my Bowfeeze (as he calls himself) Delcroy, is learning English very fast, but he will not do it the wriggler way, but gets his Dicks and Harries, and so puzzells out every word. We had a great laugh against him the other day — He was a coming home through St. Giles's (which is the only way to this), and there was two women a fighting in the street, and Delcroy he stood listening to hear what it was all about ; but doose a word could he make out, till at last one of the women gave the other, what the fighters call a Flora, and she tumbled down, and then the friends of her agonist called out " Well done Peg," which Delcroy got into his head, and come home all the way, a saying to himself, ''Well — done — Peg;" quite dissolved to find out what it meant, in he comes — up stairs he goes — down comes his Dicks and Harries, and out he finds the words — First, he finds " Well" — an evacuation made in the earth to find water ; Next he finds "Dun" — a colour betwixt black and brown ; And last he finds " Peg " — a wooden nail. Oh ! then to hear him rave and swear about our Lang Anglay — it was quite orrible — for he knew well enough, with all his poking and groping, that that could not be the mean- ing ; so now, whenever he begins to try his fine scheme, my girls (little toads) run after him and cry out " Well done Peg ! " I wish you would drop in and see us — we are all in the family way here ; but my two youngest daughters play very pretty — one they say has as much execution as Muscles on THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. 8 1 the piano-forte, or Key-sweater on the fiddle ; they play the late Mr. Weaver's overture to Obrien uncommon well as a do-it ; the Roundo is very difficult they tell me — indeed I know it must be a beautiful piece of music, because they have printed fine in large letters at the end of it. But I waist too much of your time — do come and take your tea with us — we live a good deal out of the way, but when you get down to the bottom of Oxford-street, ask any- body, and they will tell you which road to take — it is all lighted at night here, and watched just like London — do come. Adoo, yours, truly, Lavinia D. Ramsbottom. XIV. MRS. RAMSBOTTOM ON THE CANNING ADMINISTRATION. To John Bull. Montague Place, Bedford Square, May 18, 1827. Dear B., — I am quite in a consternation — you are no longer a supporter of Government, and I am — indeed several ladies of my stan ling down in these parts have determined to stick to the Canine Administration, which you oppose. Mr. Fulmer takes in the Curriei-, and the Currier supports them — besides, he knows the Duke of Deafonshire, and so we cannot help being on their side. You did not, perhaps, expect so soon to see Lord Doodley in place, nor fancy Mr. Turney would be Master of the Mint, or else you would not have been again Mr. Canine — for I 6 82 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. know you like Lord Doodley, and you always praise Mr. Turney. Between you and me, I do not quite understand why they should have so much Mint in the Cabinet as to want a man to look after it, when they have no Sage there, nor do I see how our Statesmen can get into a Cabinet to sit — to be sure, the French Minister sits in a bureau, and one is quite as easy to get into as the other. I see by Mr. Canine's speeches, that the King (God bless him !) sits in a closet, which is much more comfortable, I think. Fulmer tells me that Mr. Broom's brother is the Devil, and gets six or seven hundred a year by it — I always understood he was related to the family, but never knew how, till Mr. Canine's people got him a place at Court, which I think very wrong, only I must not say so. I was very near in a scrape on Monday. I went down to Common Garden to buy some buckets for my Popery jars, out of which I empty the Popery in summer, and put in fresh nosegays, being a great votery of Floorar — when who should be there but Mr. Hunt, and Mr. Cobbett, and Mr. Pitt, the last of which gentlemen I thought had been dead many years ; indeed I should not have believed it was him, still alive, only I heard Mr. Hunt call for his Old Yan, which I knew meant the President of our Anti- Comfortable Society in Tattenham-court-road, who is a Lord now, and was a friend of Mr. Pitt's before he retired from public life into the Haddlefy. Mr. Hunt told us a thing which I never knew before, which is, that the pavement of Common-garden is made of blood and prespiration, which is so curious that my two little girls and I are going down Toosday to look at it — after hearing him say that, I got away, but had my pocket picked of some nice 3'oung inions, which I had just before bought. Mr. Fulmer does not know I am riting to you, but I do rite because I think it rite to do so, to warn you not to say that Mr. Canine has gone away from what he was formerly — THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. 83 for I know as a fact that it was' lie which christened his present friends " all the talons," and rote a pome in praise of them, which he would not have done had he not thought eyely of them. It is not true that he is going to make any new Pears, although his anymes says so. Mr. Russell, of Branspan, I have known all my life — he smokes more than his coles, and don't want to be a Lord at all ; and as for Mr. Bearing, he is a transit land take man, and cannot be a Lord here — at least so F. tells me. However, I think Sir George Warrener will be a Barren something, let what will happen elsewhere. I see, however, Mr. Canine has made both Plunkett and CarUle Lords, and given all the woods and forests to the latter. You see I begin to pick up the noose — awnter noo, as the French say, have you seen our village clock in St. Giles's — it is lited up by itself every heavening, at hate o'clock ; and on account of its bright colour, may be red at any hour of the nite : it is, indeed, a striking object ; if you should be able to get out of town, do drive down this way and look at it. Only think of these Mr. Wakefields being put into gaol for three years for marrying a young woman — I suppose there is no chance of her being confined in consequence of her going with them. Have you heard Madame Toeso ? is she any re- lation to ]\Iiss Foote ? My papa is full, and will hold no more, so adeu. Yours truly, Dorothea L. Ramsbottom. P.S. — Have you read Sir Ruffian Donkey's Pumpflet about Lord Somersetshire ? 84 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. XV. MRS. RAMSBOTTOM ON SMOKING. To John Bull. August, 1827. Deak B., — I wish you would please to say something about them nasty men what smokes about. I took my daughter to Market last week in the Columbine packet, and there not only did the ship smoke, but almost every man had either a pipe or a seagar in his mouth. I made a little fox pos on board, for I was so sick of the smoking that one of the men said I had better go and sit with the engineers, for let it be ever so hot they were used to it and never smoked. Now when we was living on Black- heath, poor Mr. Ram used to ask several of the engineers to dine with us, which always come in a pretty uniform of scarlet, with blue velvet facings, and which I knowed to be a genteel corpse, because there were not no men in it, but all officers. So I asked the gentlemen who talked of the engi- neers to show me the way to them, thinking perhaps I might see some of my old friends down there, but when I got into the place, which was like a firnest, what should I see but two or three men without their coats, with airy caps on their heads and dirty faces, a shovelling in coles like anything — and when I come down they laughed at me and asked if I wanted to be roasted. I soon found out they was different people from what I thought, and a gentleman who helped me up out of the hole were they was a grubbing, told me the difference was that the dirty men were civil engineers, which I could by no means agree to — for I thought them uncom- mon rude. When I got up stairs again, I was sick of the smoking, and so I went into the cabin, where there were more smokers — in short, dear B., whether I travels by land or by water. THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. 85 still I am smoked to death — it is a most horrid custom, and, perhaps, if you notice it, some on 'em will leave it ofif. I will rite again when we are settled. — Yours truly, L. B. Ramsbottom. XVI. MRS. RAMSBOTTOM'S CONUNDRUMS. To John Bull. Montague Place, Dec. 28, 1827. Deae B., — I never like to fail writing to you at this sea- son, but I don't like puttin you to the expense of postage ; and yet, when I hear of any thing peakant, I wish to send it you. You must know that me and all the gulls have taken to making knundrums, as they call them, and what we can't make, w^e collex. We got the idear from having purchased some of the hannual perodicals. I boght the Omelet, and Lavinia boght the Bougie, and they set us upon putting knundrums into our Albions. It being Christmas, and it coming but once a year, I have sent you some of ours, which perhaps you won't print, but may serve to make you laugh. What three letters spell Archipelago — (what that is I don't know ; but this is the answer) — E. G. and C. Why is a man about to put his father in a sack like a traveller on his way to a city in Asia ? — Because he is going to Bag Dad. Why is a child with a cold in its head like a winter's night? — Because **it blows, it snows." — (nose, you know.) Why is the Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland like a man in- quiring what o'clock it is ? — Because he is as King for the time. 86 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS If a pair of spectacles could speak, what author would they name ? — Eusebius — (You see by us.) Why is a flourishing landlord sure to have plenty of rela- tives ? — Because he must have Ten-ants. What are the best shoes for wet weather ? — Pumps. Why is a sermon on board ship like Sir Edward Cod- rington's red ribband ? — Because it is a deck oration. Why is a very little devil sitting on the top of a cow- house like a man who has squandered all his property ? — Because he is Imp over a shed. What sea would one wish to be in on a rainy night ? — A dry attic. Why is a libeller in Newgate like a traveller who has caught a rheumatism at a bad inn ? — Because he sufi'ers for lying in damp sheets ! v Why is a gentleman in a Calais packet on a stormy day, like a gentleman sailing in part of the Mediterranean ? — Because he is amongst the Cyclades. Why are glass coaches so plentiful in London ? — Because they are without number. When is a door not a door ? — When it is a-jar. When is it more than a door ? — When 'tis to ! Why is the root of the tongue like a dejected man ? — Because it is doum in the mouth ! Why is a hired landau not a landau ? — Because it is a landau let ! Why is a lean Monarch constantly worrying himself ? — Because he is always a thin king ! Why is a Tragedy a more natural performance in a theatre than a Comedy ? — Because the boxes are always in Tiers ! Why is Parliament- street like a compendium ? — Because it goes to a bridge ! If all the alphabet were invited to dinner, why could they not all accept the invitation ? — Because six of them come after T. Why is a boy doing his first sums like a serpent erect ? — Because he is an adder-up / THE RA MSB OTTO M PAPERS. 8/ And last, dear Mr. B. (which I will not tell you), Why am I like a sheep's tail ? Yours always, Dorothea K. 'Note. — Several of the above, with all respect to our dear friend Dorothea, are extracted from that excellent paper the Berkshire Chronicle, and others from a small book called " D'ye give it up ?" sold at a Charitable Bazaar, established at Kensington. J. B. XVII. A LETTER FROM CHELTENHMI. To John Bull. Cheltenham, April 11, 1828. My dear B., — I have been prevented writing you of late ; two of my youngest daughters have had the mizzles, which has been succeeded by a cough and considerable expectation, but I have changed my doctor, and shall do uncommon well now. The last person, who fancies himself a second Hippo- crite, had the impotence to say my girls had a low fever — girls brought up as they have been, like duchesses — so I said nothing ; but when he called again, I was denied to him and sent for his arrival ; and we are all going on well, and keep up our spirits accordingly. A regiment is I believe the best thing after all ; for I have just discovered that Shakspeare, the mortal bird, as my son calls him, died of indisgestion, which I did not know till my new doctor told me so ; he said, that poor Shakspeare was quite destroyed by common tato's, which must have been some coarse sort of the root in use in his time ; and the doctor also told me, that he was attended by a Doctor Johnson S8 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. and a Mr. Stevens ; but I thought to myself, too many cooks spoil the broth ; and even my medical said he thought he would have done better if they had left him alone. What made us talk about the great swain of Avon was my saying I thought She Stoops to Conquer a very droll play. My son-in-law has bought a beautiful picture, a Eemnant undoubted ; it is as black as your hat, and shines like a tea tray, and is considered, as indeed it is, what the French call, a shade over of that great master ; he has also bought a jem of considerable vallew ; he says it is an antic of a dancing fawn, but it looks to me like a man with a tail, a jumping. He has got several very curious things at shops here ; but he goes poking his nose into all the oles and corners for curiosi- ties, and sometimes gets into sad scrapes ; he is a French Mounsheer, you recollect ; and at one of the sails he scraped acquaintance with a young dandy-looking man with dark musquitos on his lips, which we had seen every morning a drinking the waters regularly, and so we let Lim walk and talk with us ; and at last we was told that he was no better than he should be, and had been convicted of purgery, which I did not think so great a crime, considering where we was ; however, he is gone away, which I am glad of. I told you my son-in-law was a French Mounsheer, but I did not know till the other day that he was in the army, for he has been so sly as never to mention it ; but I saw one of his letters from his elder brother, and in the direction he called him Cadet, which after all is no very high rank, you know. I should, however, have very much liked to have seen the boys from the Miliary Asslum march to the Surrey Theatre ; it must have been a beautiful site ; I suppose they got leave through the Egerton General's office. Have you read Lord Normandy's Yes or No, or Mr. Liston's Herbert Lacy? I should think it must be very droll, he is such a droll cretur himself ; and pray tell me if you have heard any news from Portingal of the Don. Major Macpherson calls him Don M'Gill, and Captain O'Dogherty THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. 89 calls him Don M\j jewel — how do you pronounce it ? I am told Lord Doodley used to call him, while he was in London, Mj/ fiulL There is not much stirring here ; the good effect of the waters is quite aperient in our family ; we are all mending, and exorcise ourselves for four hours at a time on what is called the well walk, which is a different place from the sick walk, which is entirely for the innphaleeds. Lavinia has got hold of a book called Bookarchy, containing the Hves of a hundred Knights, she says ; but she won't shew it to her sisters as is not yet marred ; it is translated out of a foren tongue by a Mr. D. Cameron ; all the Scotch is very clever. Mr. Fulmer is going to Hauksvut next term, to be made a Doctor of Laws. He says he shall be away only two days, but I doubt its being over so soon, because he told me himself it must be done by degrees. After he is made a Doctor, he says he means to practise ; but I told him I thought he had better practise first, in order to understand what he has to do aftei-wards. A friend of his came here to see him from Hauksvut College, who I thought was a clergj^man by his dress ; but I found out, by what Mr. Fulmer told me, that it was an old lady in disguise, for he said she was Margaret Professor, and he even went so far as to call her a Divinity, which to me did seem uncommon strange. However, there is no understanding these scholars ; for it is not more than a fortnight since, that Fulmer told me he expected a brazen- nosed man to dinner, and when the gentleman came, his nose was just like other people's : so I suppose it was to surprise Lavinia, who was reading a work on Nosology at the very time. You will be pleased to hear that I have let my house in Montague Place, unfurnished with conveniences, for three hundred and twenty pounds a-year, besides taxis ; and I have skewered a very nice residence in the Regent's Park, within ten doors of the Call-and-see-um, where the portrait of St. Paul is to be exhibited, and where I hope you will visit us ; 90 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. my two youngest, which is a-shooten up, is uncommon anxious to know you, now they have made their debutt into saucyity. The young one is a feline cretur as ever trod shoe leather. The other is more of an orty crackter, with very high spirts. They are indeed quite Theliar and Molpomona of the Rams- bottoms. If you should run down here before we leave for town, pray come and take pot-luck, which is all we can offer you at Cheltenham. You must take us as you find us : we are all in the family way, and, as you know, delighted to see our friends, without any ceremony. Do right, dear B., and send us the noose ; for really the old Engines who are here for their health look so billyus, that without something to enliven us, we should get worse instead of better. Ajew, ever yours, D. L. Ramsbottom. XVIII. HASTINGS AGAIN. To John Bull. Hastings, July 8, ] 828. Dear B., — Here we are, after a short tower to Dip in France, in the esteem packet the Tarbiit — my fourth has been mylad, as the French say, and was recommended a little voyage, and she picked up an old bow, which talked to her in French, and called her a belley spree, which I thought was impotence, but Lavinia said no, and reminded me of judy spree, which is another gallowsism, as they style them — but why they call this place green and young Hastings, which is old and brown, I don't know — they are going, however, to move it about a mile nearer Bexhill, to the stone where THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. 9 1 William the Third landed when he had conquered the Nor- mans — our old bow said it was a capital sight for a town ; but as yet I couldn't see much, although everybody is taking the houses before they are built. We was a-staying with a couzen of mine near Lewis, before we crossed the sea — he is married, and has a firm hornee, which his wife calls a Russen hurby, it is so close to the town, and yet so uncommon rural — the sheep he has, is called marinos, because it is near the sea ; and their wool is so fine that they fold them up every night, which I had no notion of — they have two sorts of them, one, which they call the fine weather mutton, stays out all night, I believe, and the other doesn't. But the march of intellect is agoing on, for the dirty boys about the farm-yard, they told me, are sent to Harrow, and the sheep themselves have their pens found them every night ; what to do I don't know, and I never hko to ask — at Battle, where there is an old abbe living — we did not see him — they have built a large chapel for the Unicorns ; I scarcely know what sex they are — I know the Whistling Methodists, because when Mr. Ram and I was young we used to go to the meetin, and hear them preach like anything — there's a great deal of religion in Sussex of one sort and another. My eldest, Mrs. Fulmer, has come here for her a-coach- man — Fulmer wishes it may be a mail, because what they have already is all gurls ; if it hadn't been for that, I should have gone to Mrs. Grimsditch's soreye at Hackney last week, when I was to have been done out as Alderman Wenables, but I was obHged to be stationary here. I was so sorry to see in the noosepapers that when the Lord High Admiral exhibited his feet on the 18th of June, Maria Wood was dressed up so strange ; they said that after she had been painted, and some part of her scraped clean from duck weed, they tied flags to her stays, and put a Jack into her head, which I think quite wrong, because them Jacks is 92 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. I see that in Portingal Don Myjewel has got three estates, but they cannot be very grand ones, if they produces only a crown ; however, I don't know what they mean in that country, only as they call him real, I suppose he is the rightful king — I don't henvy him, Mr. B. — there's many happier than them as sets upon thorns, though they be gilded ones. We met one of the Engines here from Cheltenham — he talks of returning to some friend of his in Hingy, I think he called him Ben Gall. I know he spoke very familiar of him. He has been at Stinkomalee, in Sealong, and at the Island of Malicious, where a gentleman of the name of Paul killed him- self with Virginia. Our Engine said he was at Malicious and at Bonbon at the time of the Conquest, which my Trusler's Crononhotonthologos tells me was in the year 1072, which makes his old appearance not surprising — he is very antick indeed — he says he shall go out in a China ship, which sounds to me very venturesome, but I suppose he knows what he is about — he is going to Bombay, he tells us, to buy cotton, but that, between you and me, is nonsense, because if that was all, why could he not go to Flint's, in Newport-market, where they sells every sort of cotton, all done up in nice boxes ready for use ? One thing I heard about hunting while I was at the Firm Hornee which I thought shocking. There is a Squire Some- body which keeps a pack of beadles, and there is ever so many of them — and they sleep in the kennell every night, and a man is paid to whip them into it — but that is not the worst — they feed them upon humane flesh. You would not scarce credit this, but I heard my cousin say that he wondered this hot weather did not hurt the dogs, for that they had nothing to feed on but the Graves. — Do just touch them up for this — I am sure they deserve it. That selection for member of Parliament in Clare is very strange, isn't it ? Our old bow tells us that O'Connell can't take his place because he won't swear against transportation, THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. 93 for he says it is one thing for a Papist to stand and another for him to sit, which enter noo I could have told him — how- ever, he says he thinks O'Connell will go to the Pigeon House strait from the selection. Of course I did not like to ask what he wanted to do in such a place as a Pigeon House, and so the conversation dropped ; indeed, the bow (as we call him) told us such a strange story about Mr. O'Connell's getting to the top of a pole the first day, and keeping up there for four days afterwards, that I begin to think he tells tarry diddles sometimes. He is very agreeable though, and I believe he is rich, which is the mane point when one has gurls to settle. He is always a making French puns, which he calls cannon balls,* but I never shall be much of a parley vous, I did not take to it early enough. We expect the Duke of Clarence to review the Blockhead service on this coast, which will make us uncommon gay. He will visit the Eamlees, which Captain Piggut commands, at Deal, and the Epergne, Captain Maingay's ship, at New Haven. I should like to go to Brighton, but Fulmer is afraid of movin his better half while she is so illdisposed, and expectin every minute ; however, when that is over we shall, I dare say, go to London, and hope to see you in our new house. If you come here we shall delight in seeing you ; but I beheve you like London, and never leaves the bills of morality, if you can help it. Adoo, dear B. They all sends their loves. Yours, Lavinia D. Ramsbottom. P.S. — You write sometimes about the Niggers, and abuse them — depend upon it they are uncommon mischievous even here ; for my couzen told me that the Blacks had got all his beans — I only gives this as an int. * Calembours. 94 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. XIX. NEWS FEOM HASTINGS. To John Bull. Hastings, Aug. 4, 1828. Dear B., — It is all over — Lavy is as well as can be ex- pected — she was put to bed with a gull, which sadly disap- pointed Fulmer, who was verj^ desirous of having a' sun and air. We have had another burth in our family, of which I says nothing — the dennymang of that fox paw* has been un- common unpleasant ; however, when such things happen to females, they must grin and bear them, as the saying goes. We have found out who our old bow is : he is the Count Narly, a French mounsheer of high rank, and acquainted with Prince Pickle and Mustard, the gentleman who was at the haughtycultural breakfast with Mrs. Wise, the day she was so silly as to try to drown herself in a bason — if it had not been that one of the Human Society had picked her up, she must have been a lost cretur — Fulmer calls her a diving bell, but I'm sure I don't know why. Count Narly is very conversible, only he talks all in French — Fulmer says that he is too much of a hegoatist, and that all his nannygoats are about himself. He is acquainted with Mr. Brunei, who has put his toenail under the river Thames, who has asked him to visit him in London. I was very glad to see some partitions in Parlyment against sutties — the sooner they does away with the poor little climbing boys the better — no wonder they burn themselves sometimes — and I see it is just the same in Hingy, although one wouldn't think they wanted fires there. As soon as ever Lavy gets about we are going to Brighton to drink the water, which some gentlemen there makes for the * The deno'Cbmcnt of that faux 'pas. THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. 95 use of inphalids — it is uncommon curious how they do it ; but I'm told that you may get there the Side- shoots and the Side-hghts, and the Carls bad water, (I don't know if they have any of that sort, good,) and the Spawn water, and the Arrowgate, and Matchlock, and Hems, and Gentleman salts ; indeed, any sort you like to ask for — however, I don't think I shall like Brighton much in this summer wether, they tell me there are so many flies about. The 10th Huzzas are also there, which I want very much to see — the foot regimen is moved from there, in consequence, I suppose, of the quarrel between our King and Don M'cgill, and, from all I can make out of it, a very silly quarrel it is. Last year or so we were all going to loggerheads because one man liked Turkey better than Grease, and now we^are to have a blow up because they cannot decide whether Port or Madeira should be opened first — I have no patience with such stuff. I think if folks are to quarrell, women is a better thing to quarrell about than wine, and so the Autograph of Russia and the Grand Senior think, for they, I see, are fighting about two of the fair seeks, Bess Harabia, and Moll Davy. There has been some dreadful wether here ; the other evening, as I was sitting at my twilight, preparing to go to bed, the eclectic fluid looked quite awful, and the winds blowd tremendous ; indeed the raging of the elephants was terrific ; two gentlemen were upset in a boat, and obleeged to swim ashore in their He-meeses ; at least that is what I supposes French for shirts, because what the ladies wear they call She-meeses ; however, such has been the reign that it has come down in Torrens, and if our Bows had not provided themselves with Duck Trousers and Pumps, I don't know what they would have done. The Secretairer of the Treasury is down hero ; he lives by Fire-light in this nayborhood — I suppose he come from the West Hinges, for they tell me he is a Planter as well as a Hempee, which Fulmer says he is. I have heard a new comehumdrum, which is a very fashion- g6 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. able amusement here — " Why is the gravy of a leg of pork the best gravy in the world ? " — "Because there's no Jews like it." I do not know where the joke is, only Ispose there is one. I have hardly any thing to say, only I thought you would like to hear of Lavy's acoachman, and our prospect of removal from this place, which is not at all to my gout. Yours always, dear B., DOEOTHEA L. RaMSBOTTOM. XX. MRS. RAMSBOTTOM GIVES HER OPINION OF THE RELATIVE MERITS OF MARGATE AND BRIGHTON. To John Bull. Oct. 1828. My dear B., — ^We are at length arrived in the subbubs of London. Since crowds of people have been collected at the Traitor's and Restorers in Regent-street, I am afraid to date this, lest the folks should come to look at us — but you can easily find out the redress at Fulmer's hothell. We came last from Margate, which to my mind is far prefferible to Briton. At Briton you have always the great bright sparkling Ossian surfeiting the jingle from morning till night, enough to put one's eyes out, and drive one deaf — at Margate there is a beautiful arbour, in which there is no water whatsomever for twelve hours out of every twenty- four, which affords the euros observer a full view of Ossian's bottom : besides, instead of nasty hard jingle and stones, it is all beautiful blue mud, the sight of which, added to the smell of the juice from the gash works above, reminds one of the dear Mephistopholis, to the neighbourhood of which we have returned. Then the Peer at Margate is quite a different thing from THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. 97 the jigumaree, swing swang, jinkum linkum thing at Briton. At Margate it is all fixed — built of white stone, and painted pee-green on the inside, which makes it look quite beautiful ; besides, at Briton you see nothing partiklur on the Chain- peer but the sea, and the company, and the clifts, and the vessels ; but at Margate, besides all the predestinarians a walking, you have stage coaches, flies, waggons, cars, and sociables, ready to take you all over the country, not to speak of carts a fetching coals out of the arbour, and men at the Jetty a bringing in fish ahve out of the sea. The Marine Libray, at Margate, is a beautiful building, with two windows in front, and a wooden gallery at the back of the shop, over the mud — there's nothing in Briton to equal that — and as to the Icing's statute, by Shantry, what is it to the beautiful image of Nipchune, the great sea god, n black, nailed up again the gable end of the marine, just a going to spear an eel as natural as life. Then the streets — snug and comfortable — none of your great straggling prades or esplanades — no — pleasant retreats, where opposite neigh- bours can shake hands without leaving their rooms — this is quite agreeable ; it is always shady, and besides, it creates an intrust, as Mr. Fulmer says, when strolling along a street not to know on which side of the way one is walking. The church here is beautiful — not like Briton, stuck down in a vally ; it is up on the top of the hil, so that one is half way to heaven before one is a quarter of the way to the church ; howsumever, the Galls can see it from Callous if they look sharp, that's one thing. The stone it is made of, is got out of the bath. The great hotel at Margate is called House, and is situated in Chisel-square — a most splendid hairy, something like Salsbury- square in Fleet-street, only not quite so munificent ; here they have luckily succeeded in getting rid of the sea altogether; indeed they have been very fortunate in their attempts in many other places. One of my neices is agoing to open a semenaiy here, in which I hope she will suckseed ; 7 98 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. at present slie has several pupils in her eye — at least she tells m.e so, but Mr. Fulmer says she can have but one — so I suppose she phibbs. The baths here are uncommon agreeable ; they are not like the baths at Briton, great staring houses, but nice little low rooms, like the cabins of packets, with a railed place behind where you wait till the water comes in to the arbour, of which I spoke before ; but it is not there always punctual at the same time, which is a grate boar ; to be sure the ships does lie nice and easy with their bottoms in the mud, and the sailors quite quiet aboard, with all their cabals on the shore. Some very spirted gentleman has dug some baths out of the cliff, with a music room under ground quite subtraining, with a way for the donkies to go down to it, without stares ; the view of Ossian from a hole cut in the chork is very rheumatic : Fulmer says the digging them holes is a very wise way of sinking a capital. I hope it will anser. At Briton the grate libray used to be kept by Donald's son, whoever he was ; the grate libray at Margate is kept by Betty's son, whoever she is, for they dont tell us their sir- names ; it is a large room, quite snug and away from the sea, in a square called Horley — very different from Hawley on the way to Briton. At that Hawley Mr. Pickhisnails keeps the hin, has a fine booshy head of air, sleeps in top boots, and paints the stems of his trees sky blew for huniformity's sake. In the Horley-square at Margate, there are, besides Betty's sons, some uncommon nice boring houses, where a lady can live genteel and comfortable, without washing, for a jenny and a half a week. Onion Crescent is near this, and is reckoned very pleasant, and so it is. There is no glare in Margate, to hurt the eyes. The houses look always upon the bax of others, which keeps away the son in summer, and the wind in winter. I know at Briton we was very much troubled with the wind when we lived on the Marrying Prade — at Margate it is quite different. THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. 99 Fulmer, who is what is called a geehologist, says there is much amusement to be found amongst the Clifts. He talks of finding his sisters and taking his quarts, of which I never heard him speak afore, and he told us the other day that he had dug up some bedlamites. What he has done with them I dont know. The things he shewed me were, I believe, only their finger nails — they looked just like it. With respect to the bathing, it is much more descent than at Briton, for the machines here have yawnings over them, by which means nobody can see one, however much they looks. We went to visit Dandelion, once a public garden. They say the place took its name from a lion's tooth ; I'm sure I have heard something very unlike iliat^ if it is what / mean. We came away from this trestial parodice in the Harlequin steamer, and a large party we was : it was uncommon agree- able, only there was what is called a swell, which did not agree mth the buttered toast, red herrings, honey, eggs, and tea, which we tuck as a remedy agin sickness. Mr. Fulmer said we had rolls as well as tost for breakfast, which made a thin gentleman in a white hat, which sot oposite us, laugh very much. I did not go upon dick after heaten, but I heard them talk of seeing a great many boys about in the water ; one was a boy with a horse, and another a boy with the bacon on his head. One of the first they saw, they said was the last, which seemed nonsense to me. However, they said there was several Spaniards a swimming near the pacquet, so I would not let my young ones go up. To be sure, what phibbs travellers do tell — we was a talk- ing of the great exhibition of the gurney to London by steam, when a gentleman told us, looking as grave as a gudge, that he and his father had made the Rickulvers in an hour and a quarter, after leaving the Noah light that day week : of course I said nothing — but I was certain as I was of being alive and Hving, that neither the gentleman nor his father had anything 100 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. to do with making the Rickulvers, which I myself saw three and twenty years ago — and to make them in an hour and a quarter ! However, everybody seemed to beHeve him — I only asked what profession he was of, and they told me he was imminent in the Tayloring line. That settled it — " Two tailors," as the French says — the very highdea of their talk- ing of making the Rickulvers just as they would a pair of pantaloons — and them they could not make in an hour and a quarter, binding, button-holes and all, I'm sure. When we got into smooth water, I went upstairs to see Noah's Hght, and there I saw the ark, with the lantern, and I believe Noah himself a walking up and down the dick. I asked one of the sailors if the men which was walking was never changed, and he said, every four hours ; but that the man we saw, had been there ever since the flood — which convinced me. We saw from this, Sheerness with a river, which is Midway between Margate and town, and is called so. I was very glad when the water was smooth, for I hate the big bellows a rolin, and so I told the gentleman in the airy cap which turns the wheel about— and he said we should have found it much ruffer if we had not come overland. This puzzled me, because I thought we was coming by sea all the time I was below, it bumped me about so — but he persisted in what he said, and moreover said something very dis- respectful of the people of the place we had left, which he called the Margate flats. Everything seemed to clear up as we proceeded ; we had Lee church on our wether bow, as the gentleman told me — the waters were called Hopes, and the sands were blithe — and we was all golly and uncommon hungary — so down we went to wait till the dinner came, which was some nice bile mutton and turnips with caper sauce, which occupied me all the way from a little above Tilbury Furt to Erin, which looks just as green as Mr. More, the pote, says it is. At Gravesend we took in a gentleman, who gave us an THE RA MSB OTTO M PAPERS. 10 1 account of the Grand Signior having sent out a fireman against the Roosians, which was a gettin beat by the Turkeys — however, as we was to go ashore at Grinnage, "we had no time for polly ticks, having in course to look up the bundles and ban-boxes. Lavy went by land, on account of her child, and her misfortunes was greater than ores, for she left her black silk riddykel in the coch, containing the best part of a bottle of de Goalong, a salmon-coloured neck handkycher, and a pair of nice yellow tan gloves — her brother went all the way to the Bare coach office in Pickadilly the next morn- ing, but could hear no tidings on 'em. When we come opposite the Horsespittle at Grinnage, we got into a boat and landed just by the Ship, which smelt of frying fish as ousel. I think if I had not committed an indiscretion with the bile leg of mutton, we should have been tempted to stop and have some stoodells and whatasujet — as it was, we got into our domstic, a carriage so called, and proceeded by Peckham and Cammerwell home. I shall write again soon.- — ^I am to be presented to the Quin of Portingal — the Countess of Itabagpipes was known to some of Fulmer's cousins in the brass heel country, which is the reason she wishes me to lend her my counting-house and purtection ; so, one day next week I shall go in by the Stockwell stage, and visit the Court in Arlington-street. As for Jennyfluxion, I hope her Majesty will excuse me, for though poor Chunee, I remember, used to do it at Exeter Change, if I was once to get down upon my kneeses I am" quite sure I never could git up again — but I shall communi- cate in a private billy with Lady Bagpipes on the subject. Lavy desires her best love — Fulmer is as proud as a Pig- hog of his little gull, and my unmarried ones quite as unspoh- astickated as ever — there was a gentleman at Margate did give the youngest a sort of tittilation of the heart, and she had only two helps of beef and one plate of soup at dinner for three days in consequence of her tinder felings, but he went oflf in the Ramojia the morning it carried passengers 102 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. greatass, and so did my girl's infection for him, and the next day she sung ''I've been roaming," and took to her vitals just as if nothing had happened. — Adjou. Dorothea L. Ramsbottom. XXI. MRS. RAMSBOTTOM CONTEMPLATES THE COLLEC- TION OF HER LETTERS INTO A VOLUME. To John Bull. January 25, 1829. Dear B., — I vn'ite to you on a bizziness of some conse- quence to me — I have been applied to by some of the first jenny asses of the day to colic my lettuce into one volume, and publish them : so I spoke to my sun in law Fulmer, who has offered to hedit them, and put notes to them, which I at first thought meant setting them to mewsick, which I by no means wanted, although he ofi'ered to do it grateass. He has now explained his meanun. and I am going to get Mr. Golburn to print them in a doodecimus book, with a prefass and portrait, to be done from a Minotaur by Causeway, which is reckoned the himmige of me when I was a gull, and for wich Mr. Ram. paid Mr. Causeway, (quite a Minotaur of a man himself,) fifty jinnies. You know I never rot to anybody but you, although some impotent parsons have dared to call themselves the hawthurs of my lettus. There is one of them squarecap fellows belonging to the Magdalen at Hauksfut — which they say lives upon Ices — he says he rot some of them, and one at Eatiog College says he helped me, and another, a bare block- head whose name I never heard afore, goes about and says he rot 'em for me. He had better mind his tye pigs, and adjustments, and dews and surplices, I can tell him, for all THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. I03 his tong runs so glebe ; for I never sot eye on him, nor he on me, as I nose of — however, I am dissolved upon publish- ing them out and out. Mr. Golburn wants them to come out in sheets, but I dont think that quite come ill Jo. There is a moneyment of two old gentlemen who were my Aunt's sisters, in a church in Lincumshire, done by Mr. Rue- bellyache the great Sculpture, which was admired by the late Mr. Noddlecums, whose life has been published by his Taylor, and which cuts him up, sure enough — I should like to have the view of this family Muzzleheum in the book, if I could get it done in the new fashioned style of Lithotomy, because it shoes all the harms of our family. Lions sergeants, and the Lions parsons, and the Lions ramping, with the shi- verings and mullets, and argents, and oars, and sables, and gulls, and all that, which we bore ever since William the Conqueror came over with Quin Mary, of hoom, no doubt, you have read. . My Mr. Ramsbottom's family, although very good, is not connected with that of the Hempee for Winsor, which family is eyely respectable in their whey, and quite sillybratted for bruiu the bear, wich is so patternized in the neighbrood. Mr. Fulmer says, my dear Mr. Ram is quite a different rami- fication, but he thinks if you would just reckumend us to the Biblepole (I think he calls Mr. Goulburn) he could make three volums out of my letters, what letters I have received, his own notes, and all the notes the gals has got by way of orthographs, and a dairy, which my dear Mr. Ram kept till the day before he did. I took my two eldest unmarried, the other day, to Mr. Devil's in the Strand, to be felt — they call him Mr. De Feel, but he spells it Deville, and calls himself Mr. De Huile — he is a Hoyl-man and a great proffessor of what is called Fire- knowledgey* — he shewed us the head of Sterne, which wrote many books, and also that of Sir Eyes-ache Newton, the great astrologer — he says I have the largest number one he * Phrenology. 104 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. ever saw, and when I cum away he sneered, and bid me take care of number one, as if everybody didnt do that without his telling, — He wanted to put a plaster on my head, and smear my face with some of his lampile, and stick squills up my nose, and take what he called a cast of my Hosfrontis — but I would not have none of his manoovers with me, and I was very well pleased when I found myself out of the shop. Only think, Mr. B., of Lord Angelseye coming home — he is left tenant of the castle no longer. Mr. Fulmer says he is like a hair which gives up doubhng when it takes to turning. I am quite sorry to think what a state he must be in. Miss Biffin, or Billy Bo widish, the corpulent gentleman who used to bump himself along the streets in a band-box, an't nothing to compare with him. His Lordship told the people of Ireland that he had left his heart with them. Fulmer says, before he said that, he must have lost his head, and I seed one of his legs buried at Whataloo — of course, after that, the only thing left for him was to pack up his trunk, and come home ; but pollyticks I seldom tuches, only I does like plain dealing. Will you please to let me here from you, for you are a sad idol corryspondent — you promises to rite, and never dus, which is very disapinting. However, you must rite to give us leaf to print the Kamsbottom Papers, which has been redressed to you — give me your opinion about the minotaur and the muzzleum, and believe me, dear B., Your's, truly and sincere, Lavinia D. Ramsbottom. All our curcle join in kind regards — we have all got colds, and guittars, and quinces, and roomatez — but we can expec- torate nothing less this cold wether. THE RAMSBOTIOM PAPERS. IO5 XXII. MRS. RAMSBOTTOM'S OPINIONS ON POPERY. To John Bull. Gravesend, April 2, 1829 My dear B., — I have taken a trumpery residence hear for the seeson for the health of my therd gull, which is frequently effected with a goose. I send you up a copy of the Graves- end Guide, which will explain all the booty of the place, and all its convenences ; the passage in the steemboat is cheap and agreble, and we run up and down every two or three tims in the weak. Oh, B. B., I have got a krow to plock with you — I cannot make out what makes you such a stench Protestant ; poor dear Mr. Ram never could bear Poppery, but I am afraid he was a biggoat at bottom, for the mounsheer which marred my second, tells me that it is a sweat religion, and that you can always get ablution for paying for it — which is very pleasant. I remember the riots of Hayti, when they burnt old New- gate and got to all the goals ; they raised several houses to the gi'oand, and burned Lord Mansfield's house in Blooms- bury- square, which was of brick and stone ; what would they have done with his Willy up at Highgate, which is all made of Cane-wood ; yet after aU these I see he goes on in the Hose of Pears a specking agin the Roming Catlicks just as if nothin had happened to him ; he must be very antic- kated now I shoud think. You have heard, in course, that the new Pop is erected. Mounsheer tells me that Ginger was a very good Pop as ever was — ^he died notwithstanding his infallowbility — all Pops go off — and that's as it should be, for as they lives infallowb il so they infallowbelly dies. Mounsheer told me that it was thought that either Carnal Fetch or Carnal Comealongo would I06 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. have been erected Pop, but that Charles Deece would have put his Feeto upon Fetch, so they have erected Castellioneye — they put poor Ginger after his deth into a cistern, with his holy toes a protruding out of a grating for the people to kiss. I should have liked to be in Eoom when the concave was held. Oh Mr. B. you very much mistake the Catlick Priest- hood. All the stories you hear of the Carnals keeping columbines is entirely calomel — they nose better than to do such things as those — for my part, I hop to see the day when all extinction of religion is forgot, and we shall see all our halters occupied by Popish Priests. What does Mr, More, the allmyknack maker, say on this toepick — " Shall I ask the brave soger what fites by my side, In the kaws of mankind if our creeds agree ? Shall I give up the friend I have vallied and tried, If he kneel not afore the same halter with me ? From the hairytick gull of my sole shall I fly, To seek somewhere's else a more authordox kiss ? No — perish the harts and the laws as try. Truth, walour, and love, by a standurd like this." I says ditto, ditto, to Mister More ; why should we Hairy- ticks stick up for our authordoxies, or any other sich, or de- spise the Roming Catlicks — why, we are decanters from the holy church ourselves, just as much as the Sauceinions and the Hairyuns,* and the Whistlings, or any others, are from hours — can't we wusship, every one after his own fashion — look at the Quackers — there's a sex, so pyehouse, and demure, and desunt, in everything good and propper. Why, do you know, Mr. B., the Quacker ladies goes down to Grinnage, and Woolidge, and Popular, and the Isle of Docks, and all them parts, to phissit the poor feemale convix, which is about to be transpirted to Von Demons Land and Bottomy bay, where the illustrus Cook first found out the Cangarews — poor gulls, I think it a pitty to send out the pretty Lassenies, they are some on 'em so juvenal. Oh, * Arians. THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. lO/ Muster B., what must their Rum and essences be when they reelects Tim past — some on 'em if they arc hard working meretricious gulls, get marred as soon as they gets to the Coloony, and when they does, Mr. Fulmer tells me they play the very dooce with the Malt house system, which I spose means that they drink too much hail, and bear in proporshun. A navel sergeant goes to take care on 'em, and see as they wants for no thing — he locks them up every night, and n^ver suffers no Foxes paws, but keeps them quite creckt, and they are in sich order that he has only just to talk of the lock and the key to subdoo e'm in a minuet — poor creturs, them as I seed where chairful, and not one of them was wiping, they had plenty of vitals, and spoke of the Coloony as a nice place, and called the Guvenor a DarHng — but it seems wretched work — to hope for happiness there, is to follow an EngHsh Fattyus, which you know is a Will of the Whips, which is seed in the mashes. But anuff of this — rite me word what you think of the Hopra — I think Pisarowneye is a bootiful singer — I dont much like Specky, and as for Mountijelly she harn't got no vice — not what I call a sweet vice — Miss Blazes is harmonias, but I see by the bills that they have denounced an Angel and a Devil to act, which I do not think come it pho. I have not seen Suck Kelly, nor Bellygreeny, but I recleck Mollybrown Garshia quite well. The new ballad of Mass and Kneelo is quite splendead — there is a him to the Vergin, sung just like Tedium in a church, and Wesuewius in the rear is quite tremendos. Colonel O'Conner said he never saw a more beautiful crater in all his born days, and he is quite a jug of those matters. Haproupow dee Botts — Why do you satyreyes my friends Lethbridge and Fillpott — you give a whole chapter to the Dean every Sunday which is too much, and as for calling Sir Tomass a rat, I deny the fack — at least if he is a rat, the day I saw him at dinner with Lord Wenerables he must have I08 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. twisted his tail into the bag behind him, for I saw none of it. I have no noose, except that we all wish you would come and explode these parts — perhaps you will, after you have red the guide. The passage is short and iconumical, only two shillings by the steam hot, or as the French call it, the prtc/c hot avec peur. Do come — we all unite in best regards. Yours, truly, Lavinia Dorothea Kamsbottom. XXIII. MRS. KAMSBOTTOM AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY. May, 1829. Dear B., — As you haven't given any count of the Sum- merset House expedition, which opened as weasal, the fust Monday in May, I thoght perhaps a few loose remarks of mine and Lavy's would be exceptable, therefore I rite to give you an int of what ive think. Oh, that Precedent, Sir Tummas Larrence — I never seed such pitchers as his — but I need not talk of those, because you nose his merits — what I want is, to bring to your notice some of the young uns. Well, B., away we went Wensday, and paid our munney at the dore, and the man gave us a chick, and we bought our catlog, and then another man tuck away my parisot, which never happened to me before, the many ears I have seen in that place — he told me if I gave him my one, he would give me a number — which deseived me, so I let him have it, and he gave me a curd — this was just at the bottom of the great Achilles with the fir knees wich is kept in a bird cage, to prevent the people hurting his back — well, up we THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. IO9 went — such a stare case — so hot was I — however, at last up we got. The fust pitcher I seed was Adam and Heve expulsed from Paradise, by Debuffe. In buflf I think — I never seed such a thing in all my days, and no reason for it, because it was after the date of the fig leaves — no matter — I turned away my eyes to Doctor Gobbleston, the Bishop of LlandafF, and a plainer creatur I never set my eyes on — his face looks for all the world as if he had been a rat hunting up a chimley. I couldn't look at him long. The next I saw was "I. Strutt, Esqueer, and his sister." I'm sure that is a likeness; and the next is called " a Gentleman," which I am sure o.'o.vmot be a likeness. Lord Caravan, with a sword on, is a fine work, and so is a big picture of a Hero going to Philander in the Tower ; and near that is one of a Gull with a Guttar, with sich funny pudsy fingers, which made Lavy laugh so as I was quite ashammed of her. Then there is one by Mr. Willes of a Dream, where '* Puck takes away an asses head from bottom," — it is so in the catlog, and I wonder at it — but no matter — I'm sure I felt quite in jefi'ery when I read such a thing in a book — and Mr. Newton, my favourite, what drawed the Disconsolate Lady in white satan, which hided her head in her hankycher, at the British Gallary, has got the pitcher of a Lady in a Coach-horse Dress, uncommon pretty ; and Mr. Picksgill has got Sir Jefi'ery Dunstan with his gray locks a dangling just as I remember him when he was Mare of Garret, only bigger. An artist of the name of Bedstead has a picture of two whole Snips, and also of two Jack Snips — which is meant for birds, but I never heard of sich afore. There is also Sir Roger de Coverlee and the Gypsums, and a picture of Lord Drum, (Lampton as was,) by Larrence, Hke as to phechurs, but not his compleckshun. I wish my Lord had sot to Turner, he would have done him betterer. Mr. Barraud has a pitcher of his own painting, which he no THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. calls the Study of an Ass — how funny ! — and there is Miss Phillips of Drury-lajie, with a long waste, and no more Hke her pretty face than I am like her — instead of Dawe after this pitcher they should have put Dawb. Mr. Landseer has got a picture of a dead oh dear, and there is a pitcher of Colonel Johnson, who is called the Cove of Mustcat. No. 241 is a pitcher of Zebuses and Quaggas, so like you cannot think ; and another of the Bishop of Rochester — such a dandy — smirking and smooth faced, with a fancy wig — not a bit of the regelation cut about it — but no matter — he was only the Bishop of Soda the other day — Family made the Mann, and ratting made the Bishop. There is a french pitcher of crowning a dead body, and a gentleman what is a King, with white stays and a blue walk- ing-stick, a watching on it ; and there is a Mr. Luck, secre- tairer to the London Institution, which is either a piece of bad luck or a bad likeness. In the Antick Acadamme there are two pitchers which are worth looking at — one. Baron Carl Ashating von Triggum, and the other Major Von de lioggery Sue Peppercorn. I loves 'em for their names. Mr. Smith exhibits some specie of Cactus from natur, which of course I did not look at — and No. 576 is the portrait of a Colonel, so like a horse, that if you was not told it was a mihtary officer you never would find it out. I cannot go all through the catlog — in the model-room, there is the head of a Rabbit, so like an old closeman that I never should have taken it for the little hannimal what hops about ; and a buteful busk of Lady Elizabeth Gower, which was the only thing I saw I should like to have had — unless, indeed, it was the great Chanticleer which hangs in the top room, which the King gave the Acadammee ; however, I should have staid longer, but a poor gentleman, a stout lustful man, slipped down the stares just as we was looking about, and broke his leg, so bad that we heard he suffered an impu- tation the same night — this quite shocked Lavy, who has a feline disposition, and can't bear to see any thing hurt — so THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. Ill we came home; but I shall go again, and perhaps rite you some more of my observashuns. — Yours ever, D. L. Ramsbottom. XXIV. MRS. RAMSBOTTOM AT THE " CHISWICK FETE." To John Bull. July, 1829. My dear B., — We was all at the wet feet at Chissick on Saturday ; Lavy and Fulmer, and Mounsheer, my second, and the two ''June dimiselles," as Mounsheer calls them; and sich a site as that for a breakfast, never did I clap my too eyes on — furst of all, we went off in Fulmer' s broach and Mounsheer's brisket — all in the poring rein — two car- goes of us, and we was literally socked through and through afore we got there, and there was a great poodle under the place where I sot; however, we had paid our jen- nies, and we was determined to have a reseat in fool. But now I must tell you before I begin, that when we got home, Fulmer sot down just like Swalter Scott, or Milton, or Pop, or any one of the potes, and rot a whole account of it in verse, every bit of it as true as if it warn't pottery at all, and then he sung it to us, Lavy playing the Pein forte accompaniment ; and when I asked him to give it me for you, he tore it all to hattams. But I matched him there, as I had done afore. As soon as he was gone out of the room I picked up the pieces (which, if I had not a watched him, I think he would have gone anjd done himself) ; and so I stuck the paper together as well as I cood, but some of the virses is still missing : however, wherever there is a ole in the ballad I will supply the place with my pros, so as to make it a jint produxion just like Bowman and 112 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. Flesher, or Merton and Reinholds, or Mathews and Yates. Fulmer begins thus, to your favourite toon of " Hunting the Hair : "— " Go tell Jenkins to order the horses, The clouds are all breaking, the sky's looking blue ; At half after one let us muster our forces, And order the carriage at half after two. Tell Emma and Susan To put their thick shoes on, And get Parabous on, And send up for Kate ; Put the Halls in the rumble, (I'm sure they can't grumble,) With Bob and your hiimble, They'll just make us eight, " * Where are ye going to ? ' cries Mrs. Dickenson, ' "VMiat can you do such a very damp day ? ' * Comfort ourselves with champagne and cold chickens soon, See the big cherries, and hear Littolf play, Iceing or prawning, (It's all under awning) Or lounging the lawn in, The crowd will be great ; So come, Mrs. Dickenson, Folks will drop thick in soon, Mud you shan't stick in soon, Come to the Fete, " The people are clever who get up this festival, Men who sit toiling in science for weeks, Hold councils on cabbages, and (which is best of all) Speak upon salads and lecture on leeks ; Who sit (without raillery), Vote upon celery, Clear out their gallery After debate — Men who can grapple With onion or apple. And tell if the sap' will Rise early or late.' THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS. II3 " OflF we started, the rain wtis just mizxjing, Crack went the whips, and we rattled through Town ; At Kensington coach-stand it faster was drizzling, At Kensington church, it began to come down ; The post-boys were whipping, The post-horses slipping, The Halls were quite dripping At Hammersmith Gate ; On we went dashing, And squashing and splashing, Till after this fashion We got to the Fete'.^ Then there's a verse wanton, which of course I can't re- member; but the Bow-street officers were all round the dore, and they looked to me as little like Bows as they did like officers ; however, there was a large poodle to get over, and I heard them bid me wait till they sent for a Plank, which turned out to be a humane cretur, the head of the Pelisse. We had no umberellars, only our parisoles ; but we got into a long tent, and there Fulmer told me I had better make my election to stay, because I was favoured both by the canvas and the pole ; whi^ J \ ^ ^ J J 1 -^ u vi-sit the Queen, Ma'am, with the 1^ ll^ 1^ ^ rest of the gal - Ian - ty /-Vtt tt * • ^ • P aZj-ftx.^ P P _ 1 — ^t_i : ^^^ Vr 1 ' \ 1 ^^ ^' ^~i~» w ^~r f ^ g. E3^ show, show ; with the rest of tLe gal- Ian -ty F=e ■- ^===\ cJ. !_. show. ' — r=r- i^^-J---r— r^ P =^eIi: POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS. 14I And who were your company — Heigh, Ma'am, ho. Ma'am ? Who were your company, ho ? — We happen'd to drop in, With Gem'men from Wapping, And Ladies from Blowbladder-Row Row, And Ladies from Blowbladder-Row. "What saw you at Brandenburgh, — Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am ? What saw you at Brandenburgh, ho ? — We saw a great dame. With a face red as flame. And a character spotless as snow snow, And a character spotless as snow. And what said her Majesty — Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am ? What said her Majesty, ho ? — What I understood's. She's come for our goods. And when she has got them, she'll go go. And when she has got them, she'll go. And who were attending her — Heigh, Ma'am, ho. Ma'am ? Who were attending her, ho ? Lord Hood for a man. For a Maid, Lady Anne, And Alderman Wood for a beau beau. And Alderman Wood for a beau. And the Alderman's family — Heigh, Ma'am, ho. Ma'am ? The Alderman's family, ho ? — Yes — Georgy, and Kitty, One fat — t'other pretty. And the son who was brought up at Bow Bow, The son who was brought up at Bow. 142 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. And had she no Countesses — Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am ? Had she no Countesses, ho ? — yes ! — painted Jersey, Who might have worn kersey, Had folks their deserts here, below low, Had folks their deserts here below. And had she no other. Ma'am — Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am ? Had she no other. Ma'am, ho ? — There was one Lady Grey, Whose temper, they say, Like her Lord's, is as sweet as a sloe sloe, Like her Lord's, is as sweet as a sloe. Was no one from Croxteth there — Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am ? No one from Croxteth there, ho ? — Oh, no — Lady Sefton Would sooner have left town, Both her and her daughters — than go go, Both her and her daughters — than go. And had she no Commoners — Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am ? Had she no Commoners, ho ? — I happen'd to look. And could find in her book Only Fergusson, Taylor, and Co. Co., Fergusson, Taylor, and Co. And had she no son-in-law — Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am ? Had she no son-in-law, ho ? — ^Yes ; time-serving Leopold, A puppet that we uphold, Though neither for use nor for show show, Neither for use nor for show. POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS. 1 43 And did they meet tenderly — Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am ? Did they meet tenderly, ho ? — They were both so intent, About taxes and rent, That they never once thought of their woe woe, They never once thought of their woe. And had she no Counsellors — Heigh, Ma'am, ho. Ma'am ? Had she no Counsellors, ho ? — Yes ; one Mr. Brougham, Who sneak'd out of her room, Pretending the Cii'cuit to go go. Pretending the Circuit to go. How fared he at Lancaster — Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am ? How fared he at Lancaster, ho ? — They physick'd and bled. And they blister 'd his head. And kept him uncommonly low low, And kept him uncommonly low. Had she no soHcitor — Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am ? Had she no soHcitor, ho ? — Yes, one Mr. Vizard, "Who, being no wizard. She overboard hasten'd to throw— ^ — throw. She overboard hasten'd to throw. And has she two Chamberlains — Heigh, Ma'am, ho. Ma'am ? Has she two Chamberlains, ho ? — ^Yes ! both strapping fellows. Would make a man jealous. With whiskers as black as a crow crow, With whiskers as black as a crow. 144 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. And had she no beggar's brat — Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am ? Had she no beggar's brat, ho ? — Yes, one, pale and silly. Whom she calls Sir Billy ; But whose brat he is, I don't know ^know. But whose brat he is, I don't know. And has she a Clergyman — Heigh, Ma'am, ho. Ma'am ? Has she a Clergjonan, ho ? — Yes, one Doctor Fellowes, Who puffs like a bellows, The coals of sedition to blow blow. The coals of sedition to blow. And has she no General — Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am ? Has she no General, ho ? — ^Yes, poor prating Wilson, Who, if he e'er kills one, 'Tis more by a word than a blow blow, 'Tis more by a word than a blow. And has she a Banking-house — Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am ? Has she a Banking-house, ho ? — When Coutts was unhandsome, She shifted to Ransome, To whom she does nothing but owe owe, To whom she does nothing but owe. Has she a good table, Ma'am — Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am ? Has she a good table. Ma'am, ho ? — There is one Mrs. Wilde, Who her cook-maid is styled. But they say that her soups are so-so so, They say that her soups are so-so. POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS. 1 45 And what are her drinkables — Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am ? What are her drinkables, ho ? — It being but noon. She said 'twas too soon For any thing else but Noyeau yeau, Any thing else but Noyeau. And has she a bed-fellow — Heigh, Ma'am, ho. Ma'am ? Has she a bed-fellow, ho ? — I asked one Vassalli, Who said, *' Fi-donc, allez. Ma chere, you no business to know know, You have no business to know." How spent she her time abroad — Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am ? How spent she her time abroad, ho ? — In hugging her valet. And dancing a ballet. And kissing Pope Pius's toe toe, Kissing Pope Pius's toe. Was she at Jerusalem — Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am ? Was she at Jerusalem, ho ? — She borrow'd an ass, To ride on — but, alas ! She could n't get donkey to go go. She could n't get donkey to go. What did she in Africa — Heigh, Ma'am, ho. Ma'am ? What did she in Africa, ho ? — She set, at Algiers, All the Turks by the ears. Till they found she was fifty or so so. Till they found she was fifty or so. 10 146 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. What did she in Lombardy — Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am ? Wliat did she in Lombardy, ho ? • — Her tradesmen she pilfer'd. Bamboozled Lord Guilford, And choused Marietti and Co. Co., And choused Marietti and Co. What did she at Napoli — Heigh, Ma'am, ho. Ma'am ? What did she at Napoli, ho ? — With sorrow I speak it. She went, mother — naked, And laurell'd the bust of King Joe Joe, And laurell'd the bust of King Joe. Will she have a drawing-room — Heigh, Ma'am, ho. Ma'am ? Will she have a drawing-room, ho ? — Oh, yes, I presume. That she might find a room. If she could but find any to go go. If she could but find any to go. Will she soon sail for Italy — Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am ? Soon sail for Italy, ho ? — She'll go there no more, Since what Barbara swore. She fears German spies on the Po — Po, She fears German spies on the Po. Will she go to Switzerland— Heigh, Ma'am, ho, Ma'am ? Will she go to Switzerland, ho ? — She says that the Swiss, Never tell when they kiss, So she's all for the Pays de Vaud Vaud, She's all for the Pays de Vaud. POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS. I47 HUNTIXG THE HARE. Would you hear of the triumph of purity ? Would you share in the joy of the Queen ? List to my song ; and, in perfect security, Witness a row where you durst not have been : All kinds of Addresses, From collars of S.S.'s To venders of cresses. Came up like a fair ; And all thro' September, October, November, And down to December, They hunted this Hare ! First there appear'd, with the title of visitors. Folks, v/hom of fair reputation they call, Who, in good truth, and to candid inquisitors. Seem to have no reputation at all. The Woods', hen and chicken. And Darner, moon-stricken, And Russells, come thick in, To greet the fat dame ; Ajid the Duchess of Leinster, (Well behaved while a spinster,) With drabs of Westminster, Now mixes her name ! Next, in great state, came the Countess of Tankerville, With all the sons and the daughters she had ; Those who themselves are annoy'd by a canker vile, Joy to discover another as bad : So Lady Moll came on, With ci-devant Grammont, And (awful as Ammon) Her eloquent spouse ! 148 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. And frothy Grey Bennett, That very day se'nnight, Went down in his dennett, To Brandenburgh House. Bold, yet half blushing, the gay Lady Jersey, Drove up to the entrance — but halted outside, While Sefton's fair tribe, from the banks of the Mersey, Who promised to keep her in countenance — shyed ! But this never hinders The sham Lady Lindors, Who stoutly goes indoors — Old Rush does the same ; Great scorn of all such is ! — But Bedford's brave Duchess, To get in her clutches, Delighted the dame. Lank Lady Anne brought her sister of Somerset ; The least she could do for the wages she clears : If the merits of either were up to the hammer set, They'd fetch much the same as Lord Archibald's ears. Not so Lady Sarah, For she, under care 0' ' Some Hume or O'Meara, Lies sick in her bed ; Yet her name they twist in By means they persist in Of even enlisting The names of the dead ! Then came the premature wife of her pen-man, Her guide, her adviser — in short, Mrs. Brougham, And then the spare rib of Go-sin-no-moro Denman, And sweet Mrs. Williams, and young Mrs. Hume ; POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS. 1 49 Old Barber, and Taylor, And Hood, could not fail her. But the Muse can't detail, or Discuss what remains ; — Except Mrs. Wilde, Who, for roast and for boil'd, While as cook-maid she toil'd, Was the pride of Devaynes. The Earl-King, fearing the tumult should ever end, Sends her his brother, while he keeps away ; Honour' d by courtesy, by his gown reverend, But neither by nature, came sanctified Grey, With the Norwich Archdeacon, Who thinks he may speak on. Because, like a beacon. His head is so light ; And sea-beaten Madocks, And some other sad dogs. Who (like stinking haddocks) By rotting grow bright. Damsels of Marybone, deck'd out in articles, Borrow'd of brokers for shillings and pence ; The eye of vulgarity any thing smart tickles ; Drabs love a ride at another's expence ; So swarming like loaches. In ten hackney coaches. They make their approaches And pull at the bell ; And then they flaunt brave in. Preceded by Craven, And, clean and new shaven, Topographical Gell. I50 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. Next came a motley assemblage of what I call Mummers, and mountebanks, wildly array' d ; Hod-men, and coal-beavers, landmen and nautical, Tag-rag and bobtail, a strange masquerade ! A rout of sham sailors, Escap'd from their jailors, As sea-bred as tailors, In Shropshire or Wilts : But mark Oldi's smile and hers, Greeting, as Highlanders, Half a score Mile-Enders, Shivering in kilts ! Noel and Moore are the pink of her quality. Judge what must be the more mean partisans ! What sweepings of kennels — what scums of rascality- Hired and attired to enact artisans ; Sham painters, and stainers. Smiths, coopers, cordwainers, And glaziers — chief gainers. In such a turmoil, Though chandlers and joiners, And forgers and coiners, And pocket-purloiners, . AH share in the spoil. Verdant green-grocers, all mounted on Jack-asses, (Lately called Guildfords, in honour of Fred,) Sweet nymphs of Billingsgate, tipsy as Bacchuses, Roll'd in like porpoises, heels over head ! And the better to charm her, Three tinkers in armour. All hired by Harmer, Brave Thistle wood's friend ; POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS. 151 Those stout men of metal, Who think they can settle The State, if a kettle They're able to mend. Next come the presents — "Whitechapel (where Jewsbury) Sends needles to hem Dr. Fellowes's lawn ; Cracknells from Cowes — sweet simnels from Shrewsbury- - Rump -steaks from Dublin — and collars of brawn — A pig — and a blanket — A sturgeon from Stangate — . The donors all thank-ed By Royal desire ! Old Parr gave his benison To Parkins's venison, But the pamphlet of Tennyson He threw in the fire. Last came the Lack- wit address of Sir Bunbury, Bearding the Crown with his sinecure wrath ! 'Twould look, I fear, too like a libel, to unbury All the exploits of this Knight of the Bath : From service retreated ; By Wilson out-prated ; Like him, self-created ; His star is his sin ! It's splendour is lost in The honours of Austin, And Hownam, who crost in With faint- away Flynn ! And now, e'er I send oflf my song to the town sellers, ('Twill fetch rather more than the speeches of Hume,) We'll give one huzza to her pure privy Councillors, Lushington, Williams, Wilde, Denman and Brougham. 152 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. With Vizard and Cobbett, And Hunt who would mob it, And Cam who would job it, As Dad did before ; With Waithman the prate-man, And Pearson the plate man. And Matthew the great man, Who found us the liare.^ THE CITY CONCERT. " Paulo Minora canemus." ' Tvne — " Alley Croker." When Caroline, the great and big, Was feasted in the City, Sir, United Radical and Whig, In malice or in pity. Sir, Invited every Cockney dame The Royal cause to lift on ; No matter what her rank or name, If she had but a shift on. Oh ! such shifts ! the flaunting belles of Drury Are neat to those of Crooked Lane, Ram Alley, and Old Jewry. A few there were, not so obscure, Who boasted of clean linen ; But they, as all their friends assure, Were driven by their men, in ; * The last word is illegibly written in the manuscript — it looks like }iare, but it seems that it ought to rhyme to fore — we leave it to the sagacity of our readers. — A uthor's Note. POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS. 1 53 Who thought that after such delay The Queen would be extinguish-ed, Unless the blustering Times could say, That some few were " distinguish-ed." Oh, poor Times ! how sad a scrape you have got in. Whose proud distinction is at best, 'twixt addled eggs and rotten. To face at once so rank a crowd The Queen was thought unable. So Thorp, he begg'd to be allow'd To hand her to a table, Where wine, and something better still, That smelt like Maraschino, Might, if administer' d with skill. Give courage to the Queen Oh. Oh the Queen ! the sober Queen of Britain, She very soon was in a state an armed chair to sit on. When safely seated in this chair. The females were paraded. And like a showman, the Lord Mayor, The honours of the day did. !Mrs. Thorp herself came first, (*' Her maiden name was Twigs, ma'am,") Who curtseying low, cried, ** May I burst. But I adore your wig. Ma'am. Oh your w^ig ! your wig so black and curl'd, Ma'am, That like the whiskers of a Jew it looks for all the world. Ma'am." The Queen, who thought this speech a scofi*, Exclaim'd, '* Mon Dieu quel fardeau." So Mrs. Mayor was hurried off. And up flounced Dame Ricardo. 154 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. Quoth Thorp, " This lady whom you view, Her head so lofty carrying. Is one, whom an Oporto Jew Cut off his son for marrying." Oh the son ! his figure would not please ill One whose taste might chance to lie between an owl and weasel. The Queen, at seeing Mrs. Sykes, Was ready to affront her ; No German Princess more dislikes These gentry of the counter. *' But mean and vulgar as you think her," Said Thorp, " you needs must thank her. Because her dad, though once a tinker, Did become a banker." Oh, the dad ! fit sire of such a filly, At the race-ball at Doncaster they call'd her orange-lily. Next Mrs. Wilde the presence graced, The splendour to increase. Ma'am ; " Though lowly born, she has a taste. And been, like you, in Greece, Ma'am ; And though she wed a peaceful squire. Was for a tar more fitted, For she is used to standing fire. And was brought up at Spit-head." Oh, the fire of poor Devaynes's kitchen. From whose hot coals she stole the blush that makes her so bewitching. Scowling Williams next produces What he calls his family ; It is a mode he oddly chooses Down our throats to cram a lie ; POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS. 1 55 His real wife is safe in bed, Not dreaming of such folly ; Perhaps the fellow, in her stead. Has brought his Vauxhall doily. Oh, the drab ! her crime is doubly heinous. Who could condescend to be that yellow Vulcan's Venus? So far so well ; but now the Quire For harmony enlisted, " Threw all the fat into the fire," (As Mrs. Wilde express'd it.) The blundering dogs began to sing, With all their might and energies, ** God preserve our noble King, And confound his enemies ! " Oh, the Brutes ! the Queen was well nigh fainting, And would have blush'd, if one could blush, beneath three coats of painting. In anger, for her coach she roar'd. And into it, when ready, She trundled, handed by my Lord, And followed by my Lady. And so they drove home in the dark, The beau and his two graces. Like (as a florist might remark) Under a Hood two faces. Oh, the Hood ! convenient garb for lovers, For none but they can truly say how many sins it covers. 156 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. INVITATIONS TO DINNER. On Lord Castlereagh's Calling upon his Friends to Attend Regularly, and not to Give or Accept Invitations to Dinner. Hark ! I hear the sounds of sorrow Fill each office corridor ; Castlereagh cries — " From to-morrow, Statesmen, ye must dine no more ! " No more let's see each office man on Foot, about the hour of seven, Teazing Arbuthnot and Duncannon, To find a pair until eleven. ** No more let's hear Sir George, or Binning, Or Huskisson, or Wellesley Pole, Hinting, in sounds so soft and winning, That soup and fish are apt to cool. ** Let Michael spread, in Privy-Gardens, The board for Fergusson and Co. ; Let Sefton's cook exhaust his lardings ; They but allure away the foe. ** But some there are who never dine, (Who ne'er are ask'd to dine, at least,) Who swallow Ayles's tea like wine, And reckon Bellamy's a feast. ** They can abjure risoUes and pates, And we must imitate their powers ; Besides, they keep their vigils gratis ; We are paid for keeping ours. POLITICAL SONGS AMD SQUIBS. 1 5/ *' But, Placemen ! if ye heed my summons, A mental feast I shall prepare ; Our House shall truly be, of Commons, And Rickman's roll a bill of fare. *' Ley spreads upon the spacious table A cloth — (no matter what its hue). The Chaplain, fast as he is able. Says grace, and bids us all fall to. " Without four soups, I should be loth Such splendid guests to entertain ; So Western shall be Barley-broth, And Wood a Potage d la Reine / "MuUigatawney, or Scotch porridge. Either, Mackintosh may be ; And — (not his merits to disparage). Spring Rice is PHntanier au vis. " For fish — that bench the Speaker's left on Out-rivals Groves', to all beholders ; No one can see my good Lord Sefton But thinks of a cod's head and shoulders ! " Brougham's crooked shifts, and talents boasted, His slippery tricks no more conceal : Dragg'd into light, cut up, and roasted, What is he but spitch-cock'd eel ? " Calvert is Salmon — on a dish Ne'er lay a thicker or a rounder ; Palmer s an undoubted fish, And flat enough to be a flounder. " Sir Ronald's Lobster, if you crack His scarlet shell and straggling claws ; Old Markham is a muddy Jack ; " And Warre and Davis Shrimps for sauce. 158 THEODORE HOOICS HUMOROUS WORKS. " Of Flesh and Fowl, too, there are plenty : — Taylor is chick for Fricasees ; Coke's Norfolk bustard may content ye ; Rutlandshire supplies us Geese ! " Nugent would a meal afford one Who liked Calves-head without the brain ; Rump-steaks we'll slice from generous Gordon, There 'tis cut and come again ! " Creevey's Tripe, unsavoury stuff. Fit meat alone for dog or cat he ; Henry Bennett is a Puff; And Ossulston apetit jjdte. " Hobhouse is Cow-heel — which to cram Would need a true Saint Giles's taste ; We'll put aside that dish of Lamb, Too delicate for such a feast. '* Grant is a Sheep's pate broil'd and singed. And none more empty or more hot is ; Hume is a monstrous bore's-head, fringed And garnish'd round with many a nottice. " Yorkshire puddings, rich in grease. Are the types of Sykes and Wyvill ; Guise's brains are Gloucester cheese ; Peppery Lambton is a devil ! ** Parnell's a potato, mealy. Thick, as ever Ireland grew ; Newport's butter-milk ; and Heley Hutchinson's an Irish- stew. '* For the rest, as housewives tell us. How they serve their broken trash — Wilson, Bernal, Moore, and EUice, Make an economic Hash I POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS. 1 59 Come, then, hungry friends, fall to 't, And, if patiently ye dine, Kind Liverpool shall find ye fruit. And jovial Bathurst choose your wine ! " VACATION REMINISCENCES ; OR, WHIG OPERATIONS UP TO EASTER. Time — "Bow, wow, wow," A PACK of Hounds of Whiggish breed, who sought to get their name up. And all throw off in gallant style whene'er they put the game up. At Brookes's met to form their plans "In vulgum voces spargere" — Not Brookes's Club, as heretofore, but Brookes's great Menagerie. Bow, wow, wow, Tol de riddle, tol de riddle, Bow, wow, wow. When "loaves and fishes" form'd the only object of the chase. Sir, No dogs had better noses, or could go a better pace, Sir ; And all excell'd in "giving tongue" whene'er they took their station. To growl about the grievances of this unhappy nation. Bow, wow, wow. Small Bennet, Lushington, and Wood, engaged to raise the ghost of A certain Royal Funeral, already made the most of; While Wilson, in his grief at being laid upon the shelf. Sir, Thought the most important subject for discussion was — Himself, Sir. Bow, wow, wow. l60 THEODORE HOOICS HUMOROUS WORKS. Says Joseph Hume, ''Though Croker's cuts have made an alter 'd mon o' me, I'll still be foremost in the throng for preaching up economy ; I'll hunt down all the charges in our armies and our navies" — " And I will be your whipper-in," cries gallant Colonel Davies. Bow, wow, wow. Then Curwen would repeal the tax on tallow, cheese, or leather. Says Calcraft, " I've a better plan, and let us pull together ; Vansittart means to ease the Malt, so let us work the Salt Tax— If Salt should be the word with him — why then we'll try the Malt Tax." Bow, wow, wow. Young Normanby — surprising change ! — the motley party graces. And wars against his flesh and blood, to prate at useless places ; And Hobhouse swears that every place and placeman he will bark at. Except the first Commissioner for Nabob's debts at Arcot. Bow, wow, wow. There's Joseph Yorke, while he a Lord of Admiralty flourish'd, No patriotic schemes of close retrenchment ever nourish'd ; But since, most unlucky day ! his "stern was to the board- room," He sternly vows for idle Lords we cannot now afford room. Bow, wow, wow. Then Calvert, who, of course, opposes all unfair monopolies. Steps forth to regulate the sale of Bread in the metropolis. POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS. l6l " The poor," ho says, '' shall never have their quartern loaf too dear, Sh*, If they will only hold their tongues about the price of Beer, Sir." Bow, wow, wow. Says Creevj^ "I must needs confess, when I was at the India Board, I ne'er did much but read the news, or loll upon the window-board ; But since my hopes of lolling there again are all demolish'd, I'll prove the whole concern so bad, it ought to be abolish'd." Bow, wow, wow. '* I care not who," says Lawyer Brougham, " from place or pension budges ; What salaries ye lower, so ye leave alone the Judges ; Who knows but I, by chance, may be hereafter for the Bench meant. Then that is surely not a proper object for retrenchment." Bow, w^ow, wow. *' 'Tis wisely said," George Tierney cries, who to the last had tarried, *' Too far by patriotic feelings some of ye are carried ; Economy 'tis very well at times to snarl and bite for. But have a care, lest bye-and-bye there's nothing left to fight for." Bow, wow, wow. But, spite of Tierney, they have things and notices in plenty, too. To keep the Mountain pack at work till June or July, Twenty-two ; And there's no doubt they'll do as much to serve the grateful nation, As they had done before they parted for the short vacation. Bow, wow, wow. 11 l62 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. REMINISCENCE S. iCmtlnucd) -=Wi-=:=^^=^^-^ ■v-t?- When last we left the Mountain Pack enjoying Easter's jolly days. We ffii^^^^gg^il followed up their sport until it ended with their hoi - i - days ; And E^E^E^^^ ^- m n r -^f=¥=i^ Eii^pp? ziBzM-r now against their "Privilege," we hope 'twill be no treason. To ■kMl ^^=^ ~^0^^» ^^eeh; track their steps throughaut the dull remainder of the sea - son. :^^^ fctP::^ ^^^^^^ Bow, wow, woAV, Falliddle Fal de riddle,^ Bow, wow, wow. POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS. 1 63 George Tierney is a cunning dog, and prudently does think it, The wisest to run mute, and when a question rises, blink it ; To bunglers he has left it to *'give tongue" and talk pro- phetics, To Hume in figures, Cam in Greek, and Bennet in pathetics. Bow, wow, wow. Brougham vents a loud complaint, that Royal influence in- creases, And holds that Members of the House should give up all their places ; But, shifting Master Harry, pray which way vrould int'rest turn you. If George the Fourth forthwith was pleased to make you his Attorney ? Bow, wow, wow. Says Jarvy Sefton, " I've a charming little job in petto, From Salford's ancient County Court some modern fees to get 0! Just help me through with that, and I'll cry aye to all your movements. For wai', the plague, economy, or any great improvements." Bow, wow, wow. Sir Francis Burdett next appears, once idol of the people. Who says, the thought of raising rents should never make men sleep ill ; For, though so pure a patriot, his gains he would increase. Sir, And does not care if quai'tern loaves five shillings were a- piece, Sii*. Bow, wow, wow. But what a noble stir he made on Hunt's incarceration. Because his name he holds in such exalted estimation ; He always, to he sure, has shewn for him favour and afiection, As witness, how he praised him at the "Westminster Election. Bow, wow, wow. 164 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. Says Bridegroom Coke, *' For speaking in the House I've lost my head,- Sir ; But never mind, I'll tell you what I mean to do instead, Sir, I'll work as hard as I'm allow'd by Anne and the physicians, And send you once a week, at least, a bag full of petitions." Bow, wow, wow. Says Gaflfer Western, "Though we once, amongst our many whimsies, Cried out with all our might for gold, and grumbled at the " flimsies," Since Ministers now pay in cash, and think to cut a caper, We'll turn about and badger them to pay again in paper." Bow, wow, wow. Then Johnny Russell made a speech, and some of it was pointed, too. About "Reform in Parliament," and "state of things in ninety-two ;" But though 'twas call'd a sharp harangue, and he had clearly read for't^ He never spoke of throwing open Tavistock or Bedford. Bow, wow, wow. Dull Joseph Hume, the stupidest of all the northern doctors, Fell foul, in his good-natured way, of Royal droits and proctors ; And hoped that then five thousand pounds at least disbui'sed had been. Sir, To satisfy some Captain's claims who — votes for Aberdeen, Sir. Bow, wow, wow. Then Courteney moved, and others thought they could do much better. Than vote a breach of Privilege, a certain printed letter ; POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS. 1 6$ But when they had its writer up, as all reporters teach, Sir, The House forgot its privilege, and only shew'd its breach, Sir ! Bow, wow, wow. Then Abercrombie gentle, seized with one of Quixote's frenzies. Sets oft*, post haste in chaise and four, to call out Lawyer Menzies ; But when he got to Ferrybridge he long'd to join the pack again. So after dinner, he and Althorpe — order'd horses back again. Bow, wow, wow. Wise Scarlett, who is just your man to browbeat, pose, or plead. Sir, Produced a poor-bill, which, 'tis said, was very poor indeed, Sir; And Denman spoke when he'd been made a serjeant in the morning, And what he said betray'd that he'd been dining at the Horn Inn. Bow, wow, wow. While Whitbread, Calvert, Buxton all, kept up the price of beer, Sir, Young Yellow Lambton seem'd to think the poor were charged too dear. Sir ; But, though he loves his countr5anen, he'd not, to save their- souls, Sir, Make any alteration in the present price of coals. Sir. Bow, wow, wow. Grey Bennet having got a list of members holding places, Began to foam of hospitals and of ophthalmic cases ; When " scissors cut as well as knives," when patients should take blue pills. His oratorj^ — " all my eye " — the dullest he of pupils. * Bow, wow, wow. 1 66 THEODORE BOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. Then as for Davies, Lennard, Ellis, Hutchinson, and Creevy, Ricardo, Williams, Curwen, Smith, or Moses Bernal Levi ; They've done as much as smirking Rice or Thanet's Pat Concannon, Or gaiter'd Michael Angelo, or stiff-neck'd Lord Dungannon. Bow, wow, wow. Then Mackintosh (poor Gerald's friend), who doles out legal knowledge Three times a week to Guinea-pigs at Haileybury College, Conceived the penal laws too hard on rogues of all descriptions. From those who only rob, to those who — carry off subscrip- tions. Bow, wow, wow. Great Matthew Wood, a citizen, who never can be idle, Brought forward as a mighty hit — the case of Jailor Bridle ; Of several other things he spoke, the brightest he of Members, But what they were, nor you, nor I, nor any one remembers. Bow, wow, wow. At length, then, for the present, there's an end to all their labours, The Mountain Pack are now let loose to howl it with their neighbours ; And so we bid them thus adieu, until the next campaign, Sir, When if they bark, or snap, or bite, we'll — whip 'em in again, Sir. Bow, wow, wow. GAFFER GREY. A Song. (With alterations and additions) written by the late patriotic Whig Citizen, Thomas Holcroft, and addressed to his Friend and Patron, the Head of all the Whigs. Ho ! — Why do'st thou shiver and shake. Gaffer Grey ? And why does thy nose look so blue ? POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS. 167 " 'Tis the people grow cold, And I — prosy and old, And my speeches, they say, are not new, Well-a-day!" Then clap a new tail on the rump, Gaffer Grey, Or the Whiggamores must go to pot ; *' Nay, but credit I've none, All the Grenvilles have run. Except Nugent — who's not worth the shot, Well-a-day!" Then hie to the house — you know where. Gaffer Grey, And steal up the stairs — you know when. "No, 'though roughshod, I swore To march in, through the door, I shall ne'er pass that threshold again, Well-a-day ! " There's Brougham, who can shift, like his nose, Gaffer Grey, Who browbeats the Parliament down. *' Pshaw, he shifts for himself. Whilst he pockets the pelf. And would sell the whole squad for a govm, Well-a-day ! " There's the Patriot in Hchester Jail, Gaffer Grey, Who will talk by the job — or the day. '' He's a low-minded carl. Fit only to snarl. And just as well out of the way, ' ■ Well-a-day ! " 1 68 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. There's Hume with his tots and his vots, Gaffer Grey, With his scalpel cuts through thick and thin. " Oh, he's worse than the other, He'd cut up his brother, If only to keep his hand in, Well-a-day ! " Little Michael has beeves and fat ale. Gaffer Grey, Buona Koti — surnamed by the pack. " His dinners be d d ; When the starvelings are cramm'd, Duncannon can't whistle them back, Well-a-day ! " There's Creevy, your crony of old, Gaffer Grey, Who shew'd up the Board of Control. " He's heavy and lame, And his speeches the same. Are uncommonly prosy and dull, Well-a-day ! " There's Wooler, the Bibliopole bold. Gaffer Grey, Who at laws and at lawgivers laughs. *' Yery well in his way, But I beg leave to say, IVe a mortal aversion to Raffs, Well-a-day ! ^' There's Ben net the Arch Philanthrope, Gaffer Grey, Who weeps for man, woman, and brute. *' He may weep as he will, If he'll keep his tongue still ; POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS. IDC But your best sort of weeper 's — a Mute ! Well-a-day ! " There's Lambton, a sure card at hand, Gaffer Grey, Not given to blush or to flinch. " He's a good sort of fellow, Though rather too yellow. And only of use at a pinch, Well-a-day ! " There's Lushington, Denman, and Co., Gaffer Grey, And their friend — what's his name — Mister Wood ; " No — the sweet Queen is gone, Their vocation is done. And they cannot do harm, if they would, Well-a-day ! " There's Sefton the Good ! — four-in-hand. Gaffer Grey, And there's Grosvenor the Great ! — from his beeves. " One wants for his head A new lining, 'tis said ; And the other — some strawberry leaves, Well-a-day ! " There's Ossulston, gallant as high. Gaffer Grey, Can prove his descent — without flaw. " He was named for a stick, 'Twas a sad scurvy trick, For he look'd like — a Frog with a Straw ! Well-a-day ! " Your chance is but bad, I confess, , Gaffer Grey, But ffeedom may still be your butt. I/O THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. '* Talk of freedom — my eye ! If in the State Pie I could get but a finger, I'd cut, — Happy day ! " The times are not yet come to that. Gaffer Grey. What then ? — " Whilst there's life there is hope : Though John Bull turns his back On the talented Pack, You may still get Pat Bull from the Pope By your play ! " THE IDLE APPRENTICE TURNED INFORMER. A New Ballad, by T. C, Esq.* Tune — " AVhen I was Maid, oh then, oh then ! " I ONCE was a placeman, but then, but then, I once was a placeman, but then 'Twas in the pure day Of Lansdowne and Grey, And the rest of the talented men — men ! And the rest of the talented men ! * Mr. Creevy, on bringing forward a motion for the reform of the Board of Control, March 16, 1822, took occasion to observe : " It hap- pened that he had himself been Secretary, once upon a time, to this Board ; during the thirteen months he was there, there was no board at all that he ever saw. His right honourable friend (Mr. Tierney) sat in one room, himself in another, and the gentlemen commissioners in a third. * * * He must also state, that during all the time he was there, there was not bvisiness enough for the sitviation." An admission which elicited the following sarcasm from Mr. Canning. " It seemed," said the latter, " a little extraordinary, that the idle secretary should be the person who called for such an inquiry. This was reform with a vengeance. This was no unfaithful picture of those principles on which reform was visually clamoured for. If they traced the principles of those who raised that clamour to their source, it would be found that habitet rem conjitentem, and that, nine times out of ten, the evil existed POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS. I/I I had been a lawyer, but then, but then, I had been a lawyer, but then I hated the fag Of the wig and the bag. And envied the Parliament men — men, And envied the Parliament men. So I married a widow, and then, and then. So I married a window, and then Folks wonder'd to see That a woman could be So fond of a face like a wen — wen, So fond of a face like a wen. But she had a borough, and then, and then. She had a borough, and then. By the help of the dame, I got into the same. But never could do it again — again. Never could do it again. So I found out another, and then, and then. So I found out another, and then The worthy Lord Thanet, He chose me to man it, As free as a sheep in a pen — pen ! As free as a sheep in a pen ! At last we got power, and then, and then, At last we got power, and then A salary clean Of hundreds fifteen, only when the clamour was raised. It was beyond his hopes that any Hon. Gent, should be so blinded by his fancies as to come forward with such a notice under such circumstances, crying aloud, ' Me, me, adsum qui [non) feci / ' I am the man who did nothing ; and I now call upon you to inquire why those men associated with me, and who were diligent, failed to follow my example," — Barham. 172 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. Made me the most happy of men — men, Made me the most happy of men. The first quarter-day came, and then, and then, The first quarter-day came, and then I reckon'd my score, But I never did more Till quarter-day came round again — 'gain. Till quarter-day came round again. Despatches came sometimes, but then, but then, Despatches came sometimes, but then I handed them slyly To Morpeth or Hiley, And limp'd back to Brookes's again — 'gain, And limp'd back to Brookes's again. If Ossulston call'd on me, then, oh then, If Ossulston call'd on me then, We stroll' d through the Park, And the folks would remark, We look'd like an owl and a wren — wren, We look'd like an owl and a wren. If I walk'd with dear Sefton, oh then, oh then, If I walk'd with dear Sefton, oh then. The people would stare, And think us a pair Of mummers, that parodied men — men, Of mummers, that parodied men. If I stay'd at the office, oh then, oh then, If I stay'd at the office, oh then, I damn'd all the Hindoos- Look' d out of the windows — And sometimes I mended a pen — pen I And sometimes I mended a pen ! POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS. 1 73 Such toil made me sulky, aud then, and then. Such toil made me sulky, and then, If I ask'd for old Wright, He came in in a flight, As if to a bear in his den — den, As if to a bear in his den. This lasted a twelvemonth, and then, oh then, This lasted a twelvemonth, and then. To end all our cares. They kick'd us down stairs, As a hint not to come back again — 'gain, As a hint not to come back again. The tumble was heavy, and then, oh then. The tumble was heavy, and then I grew very sour At placemen and power. And croak'd like a frog in a fen — fen, And croak'd like a frog in a fen. I vow'd to have vengeance, and then, oh then, I vow'd to have vengeance, and then 'Tis a vulgar belief. At catching a tliief. An accomplice is equal to ten — ten, An accomplice is equal to ten. So I tura'd informer, and then, oh then, I turn'd informer, and then I tried to expose My friends and my foes. As equally infamous men — men, As equally infamous men. The Whigs they cashier'd me, and then, oh then, TheiWhigs they cashier'd me, and then 174 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. Grey haughtily swore He'd trust me no more, Not even with cutting a pen — pen, Not even with cutting a pen. Next Canning chastised me, and then, oh then, Next Canning chastised me, and then. If what is called shame, Were augliL but a name, I could ne'er show my visage again — 'gain, I could ne'er show my visage again. THE QUEEN'S SUBSCRIPTION.* Tune— "The Black Joke." Whoe'er knows St. James's, knows where the Whigs met ■ In behalf of the Queen, a subscription to get. For her Black Wig and her Character white. By Truth and by Wisdom supported she stood — Truth's part play'd by Brougham, that of Wisdom by Wood — They cursed, and they swore that she ne'er did amiss, Though the Baron, they own'd, was so rude as to kiss The Black Wig with the Character white. At Brookes's they met — ^but demurr'd to the call Of producing the cash — as they had none at all For the Black Wig and the Character white. * On a motion being made, Jan. 31, 1821, in the House, respecting the Queen's annuity, Mr. Brougham rose and presented a message on the part of Her Majesty : " She feels it due to the House and to herself respectfully to declare, that she perseveres in the resolution of declining any arrangement while her name continues to be excluded from the Liturgy." A subscription equivalent to the proposed allowance was talked of ; but her Majesty was eventually induced to reconsider her determination, and accept the £50,000 per annum. — Barham. POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS. 1/5 Coke growl'd about rents, swore the funds ought to pay ; But Baring grimaced, and Ricardo squeak'd " Nay ! " And the young ones exclaim'd, in a querulous tone. They each had to pay for a Saint of their own, With a Black Wig and a Character white. But though the subscription was tardy, and they Had nothing to give, they had plenty to say For the Black Wig and the Character white. Lord Tavistock stammer' d three words in her praise, And Sefton his voice and his shoulders did raise ; And Calcraft his nose cock'd, and Grant cock'd his eye, And hypocrite Bennet pretended to cry For the Black Wig and her Character white. Fitzwilliam, that reverend proselyte, rose — (We'll make him speak verse since he cannot speak prose) For the Black Wig and her Character white. " You seem," quoth the sage, '' all averse to give cash. And, in truth, you are right — what is money but trash? Let's give something better to end all these quarrels, And raise a subscription of virtue and morals. For the Black Wig and her Character white. Besides, 'tis no merit one's surplus to share, Then let us give Xliat which the least we can spare To the Black Wig and her Character white. For me I have changed all my friends at the brunt. From Fox, Pitt, and Burke, down to Cobbett and Hunt, As fickle in age as I was in my youth : So freely subscribe my political truth To the Black Wig and her Character white. Old Tierney set down, with a sorrowful face. The hopes of his life, all the prospects of place, " i To the Black Wig and her Character white. 176 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORK'S. The message which Brougham had advised and had penn'd, Poor Tierney had rashly advanced to defend, And not to subscribe would be rather uncivil, So he gives very frankly — he gives — to the Devil The Black Wig and her Character Avhite. Such cheap contributions delighted the pack, And, for once, they were ready their leaders to back, For the Black Wig and her Character white. Silly Billy, God bless him ! subscribed all his sense ; Of loyalty Grey made a gallant expense; The Gospels, Lord Grosvenor flung down in a boast ; And Erskine gave nobly — himself, as a toast ; For the Black Wig and her Character white. Bald Bedford, his still balder eloquence gave ; And Blessington thought that his coiif-d'ceil might save The Black Wig and her Character white. Big Nugent bestow'd all his graces upon her, Ned ElUce his credit, and Guildford his honour ; The Heathcotes, their sense — both the old and the young — And Hume gave — a notice, and Lambton gave — tongue For the Black Wig and her Character white. By Fergusson back'd, Michael Angelo Taylor Supposed that his statesman-like views might avail her Black Wig and her Character white. Charles Calvert and Hurst their gentility join ; And Grenfell was ready, his visage to coin ; And Creevy, of other donations bereft, Subscribed all the courage that Warrender left, To the Black Wig and her Character white. Grave Folkstone, who once before leap'd in the dark, Transfers his devotions from Mary Ann Clarke To the Black Wig and her Character white. POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS. I'J'J And Wetherell and Tennyson, sol-cliaant Lawyers, "Would give her their fees — if they had but employers. Scarlett offers his law and his wit too, — for Scarlett Chimes in — as he pleasantly tell us — with Harlot In a Black Wig and a Character white. But some with whom nominal morals ran low, Contrived other modes their devotion to show, To the Black Wig and her Character white. Burdett gave the bond he recover'd from Scott — And Wilson the thanks in the field he had got — And Leinster a visiting card of his rib's — And Foley a draft upon — Howard and Gibbs ! For the Black Wig and her Character white. But as to the rest it were tedious to sing, How they sacrificed love of their Country and King, To the Black Wig and her Character white. Such talents, such virtues, how much they surpass Baring's stock, Grenfell's copper, or Lushington's brass ! Endow'd with such treasures, who would not dispense With the paltry account of pounds, shillings, and pence. For the Black Wig and her Character white ? But when the great Lady was told of the kind Of efforts the Whigs made for raising the wind For her Black Wig and her Character white, She rose in a fury, and roar'd out, ** God-zounds ! Run, Vizard, secure me Lord Liverpool's pounds ; Of the virtues of Whigs I have more than my share, And their talents and truth are not worth half an hair Of my Black Wig and my Character white." 12 178 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. OPPOSITION. :ati^ -w- r^rrr ^-M ^:^t^^t:^^£^=^-^£^ Sam Rogers proposed, To my Lady half dosed, To indite a fine new compo- ^ ^^^^^g^l >fc:fi; -&-. \=t^T=^-^t^- ^ ^ ^ j^!z:^_ , p^ tK ^ p- * m d ~^ - ^ 9 ^ r ^ «i ^«i^ — L beg - ging we will go, will go, will 1* 1 1 1 1 n ^J. 3* ■- ^ ^ m ^ ^ ^ — -j 1 \ J L :^-:i; j:?r=^ zi:^ g "-— W- _^;t=*t ^f^i and a beg - ging we will S5r~"^ 1 1 I r-^ — ; I — i POLITICAL SONGS AAD SQUIBS. 1 89 Of all the beggars going, who prey on public pence, The "Whig excels in wants and woes, in tricks and impudence ; So a begging we will go, will go, will go, so a begging we will go. The beggar in the public ways, his ills, as merits shews, Is lame, or blind, or idiot- struck, or wants his hands or toes ; When a begging he w^ill go, will go, will go, when a begging he will go. So, by their faults, the starving Whigs attempt to raise the wind. In Council, fools — in action, lame — in understanding, blind ; And a begging they do go, do go, do go, and a begging they do go. Old Charles was the leader, the Bampfylde Moore Carew, Of that audacious, lying, tricking, filthy, drunken crew ; And a begging he did go, did go, did go, and a begging he did go. This cunning Fox, he pray'd, and whined, and swore from door to door. That fall'n from a good estate, his virtues kept him poor ; So a begging he did go, did go, did go, so a begging he did go. In fact, the rogue play'd, wench'd, and drank two sinecures away, And only begg'd to have the means to wench, and drink, and play; So a begging he did go, did go, did go, so a begging he did go. And all the Club at Brookes's, most generous of men — Gave readily, what they were sure of — winning back again. When a begging he did go, did go, did go, when a begging he did go. 190 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. Scots Gerald next went begging, a Buflferer by the law ; He sent the French red cap about, sedition's alms to draw ; And a begging he did go, did go, did go, and a begging he did go. But, whether this subscription succeeded ill or well, We never heard ; but some folks say that Mackintosh could tell; And a begging he did go, did go, did go, and a begging he did go. When bloody Bellingham destroy'd a man he ne'er had known. On the lamented felon's grave their sanguine alms were strown ; And a begging they did go, did go, did go, and a begging they did go. To take man's life, by law or war, Whigs count a horrid thing, But this was an assassin of a servant of the King ; So a begging they did go, did go, did go, so a begging they did go. When vulgar Hone to market brought his pointless parody. And season'd his sedition with a spice of blasphemy. Then a begging he did go, did go, did go, then a begging he did go. His graceless Grace of Bedford the bold example sets. And pays his mite to comfort him — I wish he'd pay his debts ; For a begging they do go, do go, do go, for a begging they do go. And by his sire's example led, my Lord of Tavistock, Subscribes ten pounds, to prove himself — a chip of the old block : And a begging they did go, did go, did go, and a begging they did go. POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS. I9I And Sefton on his death-bed, as it was thought to be, Encouraged the blasphemer, just to vex the Ministry ; When a begging he did go, did go, did go, when a begging he did go. When Cobbett stole the bones of Paine, it was with the intent To raise a penny rate, to buy a seat in Parliament ; And a begging he did go, did go, did go, and a begging he did go. But the pure Whigs of Coventry had quite another sense, And much preferred receiving pounds to giving him their pence ; For a begging they do go, do go, do go, for a begging they do go. When guilty of a libel, the bold Burdett was found. And sentenced by a Tory Judge to pay two thousand pound, A begging he did go, did go, did go, a begging he did go. He afterwards refused the aid ; but not till the account Had shewn him that they ne'er could raise a quarter the amount. Though a begging they did go, did go, did go, though a begging they did go. From begging for the poor they took to begging for the Great, And begg'd that they might buy the Queen annuities and plate ; And a begging they did go, did go, did go, and a begging they did go. We have not heard if their success in this was bad or good. But hope it was the latter, for the sake of Matthew Wood ; For a begging he did go, did go, did go, for a begging he did go. 192 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. A begging he did go indeed, this patriot and sage, But 'twas for his own profit when the Queen went off the stage ; And a begging he did go, did go, did go, and a begging he did go. But we have reason to suspect that this subscription pines, And is about as profitable as his Cornish mines ; So a begging he will go, will go, will go, so a begging he will go. And next, lest any class of crime, unhonour'd, should escape. The tender Waithman recommends the case of Mr. Snape ; And a begging he does go, does go, does go, and a begging he does go. We know not whether Brougham has yet subscribed, but think he must. The crime being only forgery — a petty breach of trust ; So a begging they will go, will go, will go, so a begging they will go. "When Captain Romeo ran away from Naples, in a funk, With nothing but a pound of maccaroni in his trunk, A begging he did go, did go, did go, a begging he did go. To keep this pilot of the cause of Italy afloat, Enthusiast Bennett's generous hand subscribes — a one-pound note ! And a begging he did go, did go, did go, and a begging he did go. We have not breath to spend on all the vicious or the vile — On Wooler, Watson, Waddington, Hunt, Honey, and Carlile, But a begging they all go, all go, all go, but a begging they all go. POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS. 1 93 From all the jails, in all the land, their begging-boxes spread, And e'en the grave, at Faction's call, delivers up its dead ; And a begging they do go, do go, do go, and a begging they do go. But lastly comes a beggar-man, who would be knighthood's shame. But that the title he assumes is only a false name ; When a begging he does go, does go, does go, when a begging he does go. The soldier, or the sailor, who accosts one in the street, Can shew the scars he got, or tell the enemy he beat ; When a begging he does go, does go, does go, when a begging he does go. But here's a bold impostor, the sauciest of the batch, Who never won a fight at all, and never got a scratch ; Yet a begging he does go, does go, does go, and a begging he does go. He has not dealt in blows and blood as silly people think, But is a very hero, — in the way of pen and ink ; But a begging he does go, does go, does go, but a begging he does go. And thus he can produce us, of the battles he has seen. Certificates on paper — having none upon his skin. When a begging he does go, does go, does go, when a begging he does go. While other soldiers Paris took, and France at freedom set, Thia rival hero storm'd a jail, and rescued Lavalette. And a begging he did go, did go, did go, and a begging he did go. 13 194 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOkuUS WORKS. So as from no French foeman's head he ere won laurel leaf, He hires a French advocate to praise him from his brief ; And a begging he does go, does go, does go, and a begging he does go. Thus we have seen subscriptions which disgrace our factious times, For every shade, both light and deep, of follies and of crimes ; When a begging they do go, do go, do go, when a begging they do go. For drunkards, gamblers, libellers, thieves, smugglers, defa- mators, For forgers and blasphemers, and for murderers and traitors, A begging they do go, do go, do go, a begging they do go. To Wilson's list we wish success; because we hope the money Will go to the poor families of Francis and of Hopney ; Since a begging they do go, do go, do go, since a begging they do go. For all folks must agree, else differ how they may. That they were kill'd upon the field, whence Wilson sneak'd away ; Though a begging he does go, does go, does go, though a begging he does go. BUBBLES OF 1825. Tune — " Run, Neighbours, run." Run, neighbours, run, you're just in time to get a share, In all the famous projects that amuse John Bull ; Run, take a peep on 'Change, for anxious crowds beset us there, Each trying which can make himself the greatest gull. POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS. 1 95 No sooner are they puff'd, than an universal wish there is For shares in mines, insurances, in foreign loans, and fisheries : No matter where the project lies, so violent the mania, In Africa, New Providence, Peru, or Pennsylvania ! Run, neighbours, run, you're just in time to get a share In all the famous bubbles that amuse John Bull. Few folks for news very anxious at this crisis are, For marriages, and deaths, and births, no thirst exists ; All take the papers in, to find out what the prices are Of shares in this or that, upon the brokers' lists. The doctor leaves his patient, the pedagogue his Lexicon, For mines of Real Monte, or for those of Anglo-Mexican : E'en Chili bonds don't cool the rage, nor those still more romantic, su-, For new canals to join the seas, Pacific and Atlantic, sir. Run, neighbours, mn, you're just in time to get a share In all the famous bubbles that amuse John Bull. At home we have projects too for draining Surplus capital, And honest Master Johnny of his cash to chouse ; Tho' t'other day. Judge Abbott gave a rather sharpish slap at all, And Eldon launch'd his thunder from the Upper House. Investment banks to lend a lift to people who are undone — Proposals for assui'ance — there's no end of that in London ; And one amongst the number, who in Parliament now press their Bills, For lending cash at eight per cent, on coats and inexpressibles. Run, neighbours, run, you're just in time to get a share In all the famous bubbles that amuse John Bull. No more with her bright pails the milkman's rosy daughter works, A Company must serve you now with milk and cream ; Perhaps they've some connection with the advertising water- works, 196 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. That promise to supply you from the limpid stream. Another body corporate would fain some pence and shillings get, By selling fish at Hungerford, and knocking up old Billings- gate ; Another takes your linen, when it's dirty, to the suds, sir, And brings it home in carriages with four nice bits of blood, sir. Run, neighbours, run, you're just in time to get a share In all the famous bubbles that amuse John Bull. When Greenwich coaches go by steam on roads of iron rail- ing, sir, How pleasant it will be to see a dozen in a line ; And ships of heavy burden over hills and valleys sailing, sir. Shall cross from Bristol's Channel to the Tweed or Tyne. And Dame Speculation, if she ever fully hath her ends, Will give us docks -at Bermondsey, St. Saviour's, and St. Catherine's ; While side-long bridges over mud shall fill the folks with wonder, sir. And lamp-light tunnels all day long, convey Cockneys under, sir. Run, neighbours, run, you're just in time to get a share In all the famous bubbles that amuse John Bull. A tunnel underneath the sea, from Calais straight to Dover, sir, That qualmish folks may cross by land from shore to shore, With sluices made to drown the French, if e'er they would come over, siji*. Has long been talk'd of, till at length 'tis thought a mon- strous bore. Amongst the many scheming folks, I take it he's no ninny, sir, Who bargains with the Ashantees to fish the coast of Guinea, sir ; POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS. 1 97 For, secretly, 'tis known, that another brilliant view he has. Of hghting up the famous town of Timbuctoo with oil gas. Run, neighbours, run, you're just in time to get a share In all the famous bubbles that amuse John Bull. Then a company is form'd, though not yet advertising, To build, upon a splendid scale, a large balloon. And send up tools and broken stones for fresh Mac-Adamizing The new discover'd turnpike-roads which cross the moon. But the most inviting scheme of all, is one proposed for carrying Large furnaces to melt the ice which hems poor Captain Parry in ; They'll then have steam-boats twice a week to all the newly- seen land. And call for goods and passengers at Labrador and Green- land ! Run, neighbours, run, you're just in time to get a share In all the famous bubbles that amuse John Bull. THE GRAND REVOLUTION! Tunc— "The Tight Little Island." Ye Whigs, now attend, and list to a friend. If you value a free Constitution, Every nerve let us strain for the patriots of Spain, And cry up their brave Revolution. Huzza ! for the brave Revolution ! Success to the brave Revolution ! We^ll all to a man, bawl as loud as we can, iluzza ! for the brave Revolution ! 198 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. " When Boney invaded their country, and waded Through oceans of blood to make Joe king, We ne'er made a push, and cared not a rush If Spain had a king, or had no king : But then there was no Revolution ! No enlightening, wise Revolution ! They only fought then, for their king back again. And not for a brave Revolution ! "We once made a rout, most valiant and stout, For Naples to throw off her yoke, sirs, But Tories so wary, vow'd base Carbonari Were thieves, and their valour all smoke, sirs ! To nought came their grand Revolution ! Upset was their grand Revolution ! Poor, thick-headed calves, they were rebels by halves, And made nought of their grand Revolution ! *' Then we spouted for weeks, in aid of the Greeks, But they proved rather lax in their works, sirs, For the brave Parguinotes, in cutting of throats, Excell'd e'en the murderous Turks, sirs ; So we gave up the Greek Revolution, None thought of the Greek Revolution, . Folks cared not a straw whether Turkish Bashaw Ruled the roast — or the Greek Revolution. "But Spain, with true bravery, spurning her slavery, Vows she'll have freedom, or die now, And all that she'll need will be trifles indeed, Such as arms, ammunition, and rhino ! Success to her brave resolutions ! And just to collect contributions, At dinner we'll meet in Bishopsgate-street, In aid of her brave resolutions ! " POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS. 1 99 So to feasting tliey went, on a Friday in Lent, And muster'd what forces they could, sirs ; There was Duke San Lorenzo, with plenty of friends, 0, Great Sussex, and Alderman Wood, sirs ! The Spaniards push'd hard their petition For money to buy ammunition, But they met with a balk, for Whigs are all talk, With nought else would they help their petition. They didn't ask Hume, for fear, in a fume, At the cost of the war he'd be nibbling, So they left liim to fight in the Commons all night, With Palmerston's estimates quibbling. . He there with much circumlocution, Moved many a wise resolution, While the still wiser Whigs were feasting like pigs, In the cause of the grand Revolution ! Don Holland of Kensington, while his Whig friends in town, Grand tavern-speeches were planning. Wrote a note just to tell the brave Arguelles How much wiser the Whigs are than Canning. " All England one feeling displays, sir. Never mind what the Minister says, sir ! At him you may hoot — and the Council to boot, For England is all in a blaze, sir ! " As the Whigs had for years rung peace in our ears, When for war the whole nation did burn, sirs, 'Twould surely be hard, if they now were debarr'd From crying for war in their turn, sirs ! So Mackintosh made an oration. As bold as a war proclamation. Then finish'd his boast, with this apposite toast, *' May peace be preserved to the nation ! " 200 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. Then leave 'em to prate, and spout, and debate, We all know there's nought but a show meant ; Let 'em blow hot and cold — be shy, or be bold. As the humour. prevails at the moment: Let 'em cry up the grand Revolution ! The gallant and brave Revolution ! And all to a man — bawl as loud as they can, " Huzza ! for the brave Revolution ! " THIS IMITATION OF BUNBURY'S ''LITTLE GREY MAN," Preserved among the Tales of Wonder, is, without permission, inscribed to a Major- General of the British Army, Knight Commander of the Order of the Bath, Agent for the Ionian Islands, and a Pensioner of the present Administration, &c., &c., «fec. Oh ! deep was the sorrow, and sad was the day, When death took our gracious old Monarch away, And gave us a Queen, lost to honour and fame. Whose manners are folly, whose conduct is shame ; Who with ahens and vagabonds long having stroU'd, Soon caught up their morals, loose, brazen, and bold. She had traversed the globe in all (Quarters, to show To what depth of debasement a Princess could go ; And with front unabash'd, when her guilt was display 'd, The altar insulted with impious parade ; "WTiilst sick with disgust at a scene so profane. Not one decent female would move in her train. She paid a vile rabble to shout round her car, Her teachers, so pious, were Fellowes and Parr ; Her councillors. Aldermen Waithman and Wood, Could she find nothing worse ? She might try if she could. Abroad there was nothing more low than her groom, At home there are Wilson, Moore, Hobhouse, and Hume. POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS. 201 Oh ! what will the rancour of party not do ! Ye Howards and Russells, this sigh is for you ! To an union so base can ye bend your proud will ? Yes, great though the peril, unmeasured the ill. Through the country delusion and clamour must ring, And your rivals to strike, you must menace your King. In Suffolk, to aid in so loyal a plan, From Mildenhall upstarts a little dark man ; His hue it was bilious, his eyes they were ghast. Long and pale were his fingers that held a quill fast. And grimly he scowl'd, whilst his rancour and spleen Distill'd in a spurious Address to the Queen. How spotless and pure was this paragon shown ! How safe, through its friends, an attack on the Throne, Their motives were wicked, their actions were base ; — Some wonder'd, no doubt, at so alter'd a case. Who cannot forget, though 'tis plain that he can. The favours they heap'd on this dark little man. From. childhood the imp in the Palace was rear'd, Its bounties his parents, his kindred all shared ; With rapid advancement, too rapid by half, He outstripp'd the foremost of line or of staff; But soon from the chances of service withdrew, With the profits and safety of office in view. To Liverpool, Bathurst, and colleagues he bow'd ; He courted their smiles, and attachment he vow'd ; Obtain'd a snug place, with the means to do ill. To some who despised, but remember it still: He was fearlessly trusted, and laugh'd in his sleeve — " Those you mean to betray you must ever deceive." 202 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. Indulged by his patrons, the confident elf, No talent imagined except in himself ; Of the merits of others a censor severe, Even Wellington might not escape from his sneer ; But they trusted him still, not suspecting his plan, Ah, little they knew of the dark little man ! Next a General's apparel he put on, so new. The coat of fine scarlet, the facings of blue, With gold all embroider'd so costly ; and last The loop with the plume that waved high in the blast, 'Twould have vex'd you at heart, if such sights ever can. To have gazed on the dizen'd-out little dark man. That Order, of Heroes the dying bequest. Its ribbon that blush'd as it cover'd his breast ; The Star and the Badge that tried valour should wear. As if he had earn'd them, he took to his share : Like a pigmy he climb'd up on Honour's high tree. And blazon'd his name with a large K. C. B. Now the battle of battles was won ! ! — O'er his foes Triumphant the lion of England arose. And gave peace to the world. — No longer, 'twas plain, The little dark man could his office retain ; Reluctant he went, but he pocketed clear, In pension and place, fifteen hundred a year. He growl'd and intrigued but in vain — he is gone ! Soon forgotten by most, and regretted by none : But to sink in oblivion he cannot endure. The moment seems tempting, the victims secure. Strike ! strike at your friends ! The foul blow it was sped. And with terrible justice recoil'd on his head. POLITICAL SOA'GS AND SQUIBS. 203 The little dark man then he set up a yell, And the Hundred of Lackford was roused by the spell ; He raised up his head, and he raised up his chin. And he grinn'd, and he shouted a horrible grin, And he laugh'd a faint laugh, and his cap up he cast ; But pension and sinecure still he holds fast. When a score and three days make the age of the year, To St. Stephen's, the Lords and the Commons repair : E'er a score and three more, so the King might decree The country another election may see. But the brave men of Suffolk have seen through his plan. And will baffle the arts of the little dark man. HUIVIPTY-DUMPTY. Rich and furr'd was the robe he wore, And a bright gold chain on his breast he bore ; But, och ! his speaking was far beyond Waithman himself, with his snow-white wand. ** Humpty ! do'st thou not fear to stray With the Lady, so far from the lung's highway ? Are Britain's sons so dull or so cold, As still to be cheated with tinsel for gold ?" " Mistress Dumpty ! I feel not the least alarm — No placemen ever dare do me harm ; For though they vote her and me a bore. They love their own heads, and their places more." On he went — in her coach to ride. While he cozen'd the Lady who sat by his side ; And lost for ever was she who was led By Humpty's honour — and Dumpty's head ! 204 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. PARODY. While Johnny Gale Jones the memorial was keeping, Of penny subscriptions from traitors and thieves, Hard by at his elbow, sly Watson stood peeping, And counting the sums at the end of the leaves. But oh, what a grin on his visage shone bright. When, after perusing whole pages of shame — 'Midst his soi-disant betters, In vilely-form'd letters, The Doctor beheld little Waddington's name ! " Hail, imp of sedition ! " he cried, while he nodded His head, and the spectacles drew from his eyes, " Magnanimous pigmy ! since Carlile's been quodded. We wanted some shopman, about of your size ! For, though many we've had, yet unbless'd was their lot. When Murray and Sharpe with the constables came. And for want of good bail They were sent off to jail. And their mittimus sign'd with an Alderman's name." Then come, the last crown of thy toils is remaining. The greatest, the grandest that thou hast yet known ; Though proud was thy task my placard-board sustaining. Still prouder to utter placards of thine own ! High perch'd on that counter, where Carlile once stood. Issue torrents of blasphemy, treason, and shame, While snug in your box. Well secur'd with two locks. We'll defy them to get little Waddington's name. POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS. 205 "THE YOUNG MAY MOON." (A Parody.) The Old Whig Club is meeting, Duke, 'Tis now the time for eating, Duke, How sweet to joke, To sing and smoke. While these foolish men stand treating, Duke ! Then harangue, and not in vain, my Duke, At them again and again, my Duke ! The best of all ways To speak in these days, Is to steal a few thoughts from Tom Paine, my Duke ! Now all the Whigs are sleeping, Duke, But the mob, through the casement peeping, Duke, At you and your star, Which we really are Surpris'd at your meanness in keeping, Duke ! Go home, your task is done, my Duke, The watchmen's boxes shun, my Duke, Or, in watching the flight Of traitors by night. They may happen to take you for one, my Duke ! DISAPPOINTMENT. Ye Aldermen ! list to my lay — Oh, list, ere your bumpers ye fill — Her Majesty's dead ! — lack-a-day ! She remember'd me not in her will. Oh, folly ! oh baneful ill-luck ! That I ever to court her begun ; She was Queen, and I could not but suck- But she died, and poor Matty's undone I 206 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. Perhaps I was void of all thought, Perhaps it was plain to foresee, That a Queen so complete would be sought By a courtier more knowing than me. But self-love each hope can inspire, It banishes wisdom the while ; And I thought she would surely admire My countenance, whiskers, and smile. She is dead though, and I am undone ! Ye that witness the woes I endure, Oh let me instruct you to shun What I cannot instruct you to cure : Beware how you loiter in vain Amid nymphs of a higher degree ; It is not for me to explain How fair and how fickle they be. Alas ! that her lawyers e'er met, They alone were the cause of my woes ; Their tricks I can never forget — Those lawyers undid my repose. Yet the Times may diminish my pain, If the Statesman and Traveller agree — Which I rear'd for her pleasure in vain — Yes, the Times shall have comfort for me. Mrs. W — d, ope your doors then apace ; To your deepest recesses I fly; I must hide my poor woe-begone face,] I must vanish from every eye. But my sad, my deplorable lay, My reed shall resound with it still : — How her Majesty died t'other day. And remember 'd me not in her will. THEODORE OF PUT- KNEE * J * > ! A my bad knee. B my beard. C my crural tendon, „ or muscle — „ or artery — K„, or something, — as big as your 4 D my well leg. E the place where my hair was when I was young. fist. : .* t • TENTAMEN. 1820. TENTAMEN; OR, AN ESSAY TOWARDS THE HISTORY WHITTINGTON, LORD MAYOR OF LONDON. VICESIMUS BLINKINSOP, L.L.D., F.R.S., A.S.S., &c. LONDON: PRINTED FOR WILLIAM WRIGHT, 46, FLEET-STREET, I«20. 14 " Hook had returned to England penniless ; but he brought with him stores, the result of increased knowledge of the world and of an observa- tion active under every vicissitude of fortune, which, with his singular faciUty in composition, were readily reducible to current coin. Accord- ing, notwithstanding the harassing and protracted business at the Audit- office, he found time to strike off a succession of papers and pamphlets, the proceeds of which for some months formed his sole income. These, for obvious reasons. Were published anonymously ; and from this fact, and that of their being for the most part mere hits at the politics of the day, they have, with scarcely an exception, been swept from the face of the literary globe, and are only to be met with in the museums of such curious collectors as Tom Hill and the like. " One of these jeux d' esprit, entitled ' Tentamen ; or, an Essay towards the History of Whittington, some time Lord Mayor of London, by Dr. Vicesimus Blinkinsop,' produced no little sensation, and ran rapidly through two or three editions. Hook, however, we believe, was not sus- pected to be the author. This opuscidum, which is now extremely rare, and a copy of which would fetch quadruple its original price, was an attack, conducted in a strain of elaborate irony, equal to the happiest eff'orts of Martinus Scriblerus, upon the worthy Alderman Wood (a portrait of whom adorned the title-page), and his royal proU^de." — TO HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS AUGUSTUS FREDERICK, DUKE OF SUSSEX, Earl of Inverness, and Baron Arkloiv ; President of the Society of Arts ; Grand Master of the United Grand Lodge of the Ancient Masons of England ; Colonel of the Honourable Artillery Company ; Colonel Commandant of the Loyal North Britain Volunteers ; Vice President of the Bible Society ; of the Infirmary for Asthma, Union Street, Bishopsgate ; of the London Dispensary, Artilleiy Street, Bishopsgate ; and of the Public Dispensary, Bishop's Court, Chancery Lane ; of the Universal Medical Institution, Ratcliff Highway ; of the Original Vaccine Pock Institution, Broad Street, G. " My dear duchess," said the duke, who was even more alarmed at the spread of intelligence than her grace, ''there is but one thing for us to do — let us pack up all we can, and if we can get a few well-disposed post-horses, before they get too much enlightened, to take us towards the coast, let us be off." What happened further, this historical fragment does not explain ; but it is believed that the family escaped with their clothes and a few valuables, leaving their property in the possession of their assistants, who, by extending, with a liberal anxiety (natural in men who have become learned and great by similar means themselves), the benefits of enlightenment, in turn gave way to the superior claims of inferior animals, and were themselves compelled eventually to relinquish happiness, power, and tranquillity in favour of monkeys, horses, jackasses, dogs, and all manner of beasts. SUNDAY BILLS. We regret to see that a well-meaning gentleman of the name of Peter, is trying to get up a second edition of the exploded Agnew absurdity. Whatever the object of these efforts may be, it is clear that nothing can more effectually tend to array the country in two classes against each other, — the one of Atheists and Liberals, and the other of Puritans and Fanatics. How can a gentleman of honour, like Sir Andrew Agnew, prevail upon himself — we are quite sure he is too independent to permit any other person to prevail upon him — to declare in the House of Commons that all classes of operatives are anxious for the closest restrictions on the Sabbath which the MUL READY ENVELOPE. [.S^ee Hook's travestie on another paye. ^A SLr.VDAV BILLS. 4OI House can enforce ? It is not the case. As far as working goes, the operatives are at this moment entirely protected ; no master can compel his journeymen to work on Sunday; and as for menial servants, they are excepted out of the bill. Does Sh' Andrew Agnew believe, or wish anybody else to beheve, that the operatives want to be " cribbed, cabined, and confined " on a Sunday, debarred from their excursions to tea-gardens, their little voyages upon the river, their social pipes and ale, or to have then- wives and sweethearts mulcted of their cakes and tea upon the only day in the week in which they can enjoy them ? Does he really mean seriously to say that hard-working people, who for six consecutive days have been shut up to laboui- and toil, in heated rooms, in factories, or in gas-lit workshops, desire that they may be hindered from breathing the pm-e air on the seventh ? And what to the poor — or, indeed, to the rich — is an excursion without refreshment — without the enjoyment of the Sunday's dinner, the weekly festival at w^hich his family enjoy his society, and in his society the treat of something " good to eat ?" Why may not these relations, if they prefer good air to bad, go to those " Ordinaries on Sundays at two o'clock," which may be seen announced on every sign-board round London ? or why, if they prefer it, may they not travel thither in chaises or other carriages, if they can afford it ? Whether this is sinful or not, Messrs. Agnew and Peter may perhaps decide ; but of this we are sure, that the operatives, except the already benighted Pm-itan Radicals, must be, and are opposed, heart and soul, to the monstrous restrictions which a couple of very small men are endeavouring to bring them under, because they think it right, and good, and wise. The beneficial effects of the measure upon society may be guessed from the following dialogue between Snip, a tailor, and Snob, a shoemaker, living in the same house, each having a wife — one ha\ing a child. — (TinWj Sundcnj morniiKj.) 26 402 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. Snip, Veil, Snob, arn't you shaved? Vy, the bells is a-going for church — ye von't be ready in time. Snob. Church — bless your heart, I can't go to church to-day — the bill's come into play. Snip. Ah ! I know that to my cost. Snob. How can I go to church ? Ve used to send our bit of wittels to the bakus, and then I and Sal used to go to church, and so give Jenny Walker sixpence to mind the babby till we come back ; then arter dinner Sal and I and the babby used to go to Chalk Farm, as reglar as clockwork, every blessed Sunday. She had a cup of the best bohea, with milk hot from the cow — I smoked my pipe and had a pint of ale. Little Jenny used to go to church in the arter- noon, and come and jine us, and so help bring babby back. Now we marn't get the things baked at the bakus, and Jenny marn't come and earn sixpence by looking arter the babby — so Sal has to cook the wittels, and I have to mind the child — so there's no church for us. Snip. My missus says she won't do no work Sundays, cause she's afeard of her life of Bill Byers — so we avn't got a morsel of grub for dinner, and neither of us knows where to get none — I won't go to church with this here beard on, six days long; and Jim, him as js the barber over the way, won't shave me for fear of the five pound penalty, so I shall stop where I is. Snob. Come along into our place — my Sal isn't so partic'lar — she's read the hact itself, and swears she's a hexception — we got a line of mutton, vith the kidney in it, and a peck of tatys — come along wi' your old woman, and let's be jolly. Snip. Jolly ! Hark, Mr. S , there's one on 'em over the way — don't ye know 'em — that's one o' Byers's boys — if he hears you laugh to-day, two-pun-ten for you. Snob. Peter's pence — eh ? — well, if we maint speak of a Sunday in the street, let's come in — ours, you know, is a back room, up two pair — they can't hear us there — come along — I say, what shall we have to drink ? SUNDAY BILLS. 403 Snip. There's nothing but vater for us as can't afford vine — public-houses is shut — no sarving Sabbath-day, Snob. Veil, never mind — ve'll try and cheat the old un. There are cunninger dogs than the law-makers, and them is the law-breakers. Go and ask missus to come and join us. Snip. Oh, she'll come, and jump too ; and I tells ye what — as we know'd we could not have no heavy wet to-day, she got a couple of bottles of Jacky, as will nourish us through the artemoon. Snoh. So it will. Bill ; and we won't stir out at all. If we can't have a drop 0' short, or a swig 0' heavy among the rurals in the harbours — what's the country to us, we can't live upon hair ? Snip. No, not by no means. If I could but get my chin scraped, I'd try and make myself comfortable. Sywb. Is barber Jem at home ? Snip. Yes, shut up in his back parlour a-making wigs, where nobody can see him. Snoh, I tell ye vot, let's ax him to eat a bit of our mutton. He han't got nobody to cook for him, poor buffer, so we'll ax him over ; and then if he brings his soap and a kipple of razors in his vestcoat pockets, he can shave us two, just by way of amusement, while Sal's getting the line ready. Snip. Amusement ! — that's quite gone out, — there's my poor missus, who used to get from eighteen to four- and - twenty shillings a-week a-manty making in Crambo Alley, can't get a stitch o' work to do — nobody wears nothing now — they used only to put on their bits of things onest a-week, to show 'em like, and now they mamt go out a-pleasuring o' Sundays, they buys nothing. Snoh. Veil, come along up stairs, we'll have a day on it, please the pigs ; your two bottles of Jacky will last us till bed-time, and I'll toss you up who pays for both — I'm not going to swelter out in the sun to walk. 404 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. SnijJ. Not I — I'll be with you in a twinkling, and when we have got my missus and barber Jem, we'll just lock the door, and drink confusion to the reformers. For the sequel we have not room in detail. Snip, Snob, and barber Jem, ensconced in their fast-hold, pass the Sabbath with the females, in hidden intoxication and care- fully-concealed profligacy — drunkenness progresses. Barber Jem contributes from his store over the way to the re]3lenish- ment of the gin-bottle. Jealousy grows out of familiarity : the women tear each other's caps, and scratch each other's faces. Snob knocks Snip over the balusters, and barber Jem is taken to the station-house dead-drunk. In better society things will grow even worse. The mind restricted to drudgery through the week must have relaxation at the end of it ; and the tradesmen and clerks, and their ladies, sweethearts, and wives, have a right, in this Christian and civilized country, to share the innocent pleasures of the male part of the creation on the only day upon which they can properly enjoy them. What can be more innocent than going to Eichmond, walking upon the hill, or paddling about by the water ? What more agreeable or healthy than steaming to Gravesend (where the animosity of the people towards the aristocracy has recently been evinced by their conduct towards the Pier) ? What more natural than to eat and drink when arrived there ? — No ; that is contrary to the law. What ! of nature or nations ! — No ; of Agnew and of Peter. Surely if young ladies are satisfied with soles and eels, and ducks and peas, and sage and onions, and port wine and punch, and such things as these, all eaten fairly and above-board at open windows or in the open air, such persons as Peter and Agnew should rejoice thereat. Confine them in London, deny them harmless gaiety, pen them up with their lovers and friends, tell them they must not stir out, and, like the Snips and Snobs of inferior life, they will turn their thoughts into other channels, and soles and eels, and ducks and peas, will shortly sink in their estimation, only, however, THE SPINSTER'S PROGRESS, 405 to give place to a catalogue of other things too numerous to mention in the short space of an advertisement. Oh, if these Agnews and Peters would but be content to take man as God has been pleased ta make him, and allow him the free agency with which the Divinity has invested him, how much more wisely would they act ! If they them- selves beheve that piety consists in eating cold meat on Sundays, in avoiding carriages, in eschewing all sorts of social conversation ; if they see perdition in a plum-bun, and utter destruction in a glass of mild ale, let them henceforth live on frigid sheep, moan, mump, and be miserable, and fast, and grieve, in direct opposition to the spii'it and character of Chi'istians, observing the Protestant Sunday; but do not let them meddle with matters which cannot concern them, and by their success in which they would infallibly corrupt the body of the people, and endanger the safety of the commonwealth. THE SPINSTER'S PROGRESS. At 15. — Dimpled cheeks, sparkling eyes, coral lips, and ivor}" teeth-^a sylph in figure. All anxiety for coming out — looks about her with an arch yet timid expression, and blushes amazingly upon the sHghtest provocation. 16. — Bolder and plumper — draws, sings, plays the harp, dines at table when there are small parties — gets fond of plays, to which she goes in a private box — dreams of a hero — hates her governess — is devoted to poetry. 17. — Having no mother who values herself on her youth, is presented by an aunt^ — first terrified, then charmed. Comes out — Almack's — Opera — begins to flirt — selects the most agreeable but most objectionable man in the room as the object of her afl'ections — he, eminently pleasant, but 406 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. dreadfully poor — talks of love in a cottage, and a casement window all over woodbine. 18. — Discards the sighing swain, and fancies herself desperately devoted to a Lancer, who has amused himself by praising her perfections. Delights in fetes and dejeuners — dances herself into half a consumption. Becomes an intimate friend of Henry's sister. 19. — Votes Henry stupid — too fond of himself to care for her — talks a little louder than the year before — takes care to show that she understands the best-concealed bon-mots of the French plays — shows off her bright eyes, and becomes the centre of four satellites who flicker round her. 20. — Begins to wonder why none of the sighers propose — gets a little peevish — becomes a politician — rallies the Whigs — avows Toryism — all women are Tories, except two or three who may be anything — gets praised beyond measure by her party — discards Italian music, and sings i^arty songs ^called charming, delightful, and ^' so natural." 21. — Enraptured with her new system — pursues it with redoubled ardour — takes to riding constantly on horseback — canters every day half-way to the House of Lords with the dear Earl, through St. James's Park, by the side of her uncle — makes up parties and excursions — becomes a comet instead of a star, and changes her satellites for a Tail, by which she is followed as regularly as the great Agitator is. Sees her name in the papers as the proposer of pic-nics, and the patroness of fancy fairs. 22. — Pursues the same course — autumn comes — countrj^- house — large party of shooting men — juxtaposition — constant association — sociability in the evening — sportive gambols — snug suppers — an offer — which, being made by the only dandy she did not care about in the 7nelee, she refuses. 23. — Regrets it — tries to get him back — he won't come, but marries a rich grocer's widow for her money. Takes to flirting desperately — dresses fantastically — tries a new style of singing — affects a taste — lives with the Italians, THE SPINSTER'S PROGRESS. 407 calls them divine and charming — gets her uncle to give suppers. 24. — Thinks she has been too forward — retires, and becomes melancholy — affects sentiment, and writes verses in an Annual — makes acquaintances mth the savans, and the authors and authoresses — wonders she is not married. 25. — Goes abroad with her uncle and a delightful family — so kind and so charming — stays the year there. 26. — Comes home full of new airs and graces — more sur- prised than ever that she is still single, and begins to fancy she could live very comfortably, if not in a cottage, at least upon a very moderate scale. 27. — Thinks the conversation of rational men infinitely preferable to flirting. 28. — Looks at matrimony as desirable in the way of an establishment, in case of the death of her uncle — leaves off dancing generally — talks of getting old. 29. — Same system — still ineffective — still talks of getting aged — surprised that men do not laugh as they did, when she said so a year or two before. 30. — Begins to inquire when a spinster becomes an old maid. 31. — ^Dresses more fantastically than ever — rouges a little — country-house not so agreeable as it used to be — goes everywhere in town — ^becomes good-natured to young girls, and joins in acting charades and dumb proverbs. 32. — Hfttes balls, or, if she goes to them, likes to sit still and talk to clever middle-aged gentlemen. 33. — Wonders why men of sense prefer flirting with girls to the enjoyment of rational conversation with sensible women. 34. — Uncle dies — ^break-up of estabhshment — remains with her aunt — feels old enough to go about without a chaperon. 35. — Takes to cards, where they are played — gives up harp, pianoforte, and singing — beaten out of the field by her juniors. 408 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. 36. — Quarrels with her cousin, who is just married to the prize Marquess of the season — goes into Wales on a visit to a distant relation. 37. — Eeturns to London— tries society — fancies herself neglected, and ''never goes out" — makes up little tea-parties at her aunt's — very pleasant to everybody else, but never satisfactory to herself. 38. — Feels delight in recounting all the unhappy marriages she can recollect — takes a boy out of an orphan- school, dresses him up in a green jacket, with three rows of sugar- loaf buttons, and calls him a page- — patronizes a poet. 39. — Gets fractious — resolves upon making the best of it — turns gourmand — goes to every dinner to which she either is or is not invited — relishes port wine ; laughs at it as a good joke — stays in London all the year. 40. — Spasmodic — camphor-julep — a little more rouge — fancies herself in love with a Captain in the Guards — lets him know it— he not susceptible— she uncommonly angiy — makes up a horrid story about him and some poor innocent girl of her acquaintance — they are eternally separated by her means — she happy. 41. — Takes to wearing "a front" — port wine gets more popular- — avows a resolution never to marry — who would sacrifice her liberty ? — quite sure she has seen enough of that sort of thing — Umph ! 42. — Turns moraHst— is shocked at the vices of the world ■ — establishes a school out of the produce of a fancy fair — subscribes — consults with the rector — excellent man — he endeavours to dissuade her from an extravagant course of proceeding which she has adopted — her regard turns to hate, and she puts herself under the spiritual guidance of a Ranter. 43. — Learns the Unknown Tongues, and likes them— sees none of her old friends — continues during the whole season enveloped in her new devotions. — Her page, having outgrown his green inexpressibles, is dismissed at the desu-e of her new pastor. ERRORS OF THE PRESS. 4O9 44. — Renounces the Oly Oly Bom school of piety, and gets a pug and a poodle — meets the man she refused when she was two-and-twenty — he grown plump and jolly, driving his wife and two great healthy-looking boys, nearly men, and two lovely gu-ls, nearly women — recollects him — he does not remember her — wishes the family at Old Nick — comes home and pinches her poodle's ears. 45. — Returns to cards at the Dowager's parties, and smells to snuff if offered her. 46. — Her aunt dies. 47. — Lives upon her relations ; but by the end of the season feels assured that she must do something else next year. 48. — Goes into the country and selects a cousin, plain and poor — proposes they should live together — scheme succeeds. 49. — Retires to Cheltenham — house in a row near the promenade — subscribes to everything — takes snuff and carries a box — all in fun — goes out to tea in a fly — plays whist — loses — comes back at eleven — camphor julep, and to bed — but not to sleep. 50. — Finds all efforts to be comfortable unavailing — vents all her spleen upon her unhappy cousin, and lavishes all her affections upon a tabby cat, a great, fat, useless Tommy, with a blue riband and a bell round its neck. And there, so far as I have traced it, ends my Spinster's progress up to fifty. ERRORS OF THE PRESS. Sir, — We hear a great deal of the licentiousness of the press, and I am not disposed to say that there may not be some good grounds for the complaint ; but I beg to assert that, to my own knowledge, much is charged to the account of the licentiousness which is, in truth, only attributable to the errors of the press ; and I have had the mortification to see 410 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. articles of the most innocent information, from my own pen, conveyed to the pubHc with all the colom^ of hbels, by the mere mistake of a single letter. For instance, I had occasion to report that a certain ''noble lord was confined to his house with a violent cold ; next morning, I found that this innocuous piece of intelligence was metamorphosed into a direct inroad on the peace of a noble family, by representing his lordship as being " confined with a violent scold." In the same way, on the occasion of a recent entertainment given by a noble leader of fashion, I had said, very truly, " that, amidst the festivities, the first point of attraction and admiration were her ladyship's looks: " this deserved compliment was changed by the printer into a satire on the whole company, as if the chief point of attraction had been " her ladyship's cooks." In a description of the regatta at Cowes, I was made to represent a lady of fashion as having formed a hasty and ill-assorted match " with a boy," when, in fact, I had only said that the Lady Louisa had, indeed, broken adrift, but had "luckily, before any mischief was done, been made fast to a buoy." When I reported that " Lord A. had entertained Colonel B., Major C, the Hon. Mr. D., and a few other fashionable friends at dinner," I little expected 'to find these gentlemen represented as a company of " fashionable fiends." At the particular request of an eminent coachmaker, I mentioned that a noble person, well known for his good taste in equip- ages, and who happens to have a large and fine family, had launched " a new green cab ; " but judge of my horror at seeing it stated, that " his lordship had, this season, brought out another green cub." And I have lately had the mis- fortune of being the involuntary cause of what is called a hoax upon the public : having announced that Lord K. had made a bet that he would " trot a mile " on the Harrow Koad in three minutes, an immense crowd assembled, and was ready to proceed to outrage because his lordship did not '' trot a mule," as the printer's error had led them to expect. ERRORS OF THE PRESS. 4I I Of a more serious kind are the injuries done to private individuals, which no one deplores more than I — the innocent cause of them. I was once employed to recommend to public attention the astonishing talents and performances of that musical wonder "The infant Lyra." I did my best; but the printer gave the whole a most unhappy and malicious appearance by making me, by the transposition of a letter, attribute all these prodigies to '* the Infant Lyar." On a late occasion, one of the papers talked of " the general satisfaction given by the royal lump." This looked like a brutal allusion to the temporary illness of an illustrious duke. The truth was, Mr. Editor, that I myself penned that paragraph for an ingenious artist in Bond Street, in order to recommend an improved kind of argand, which he denominated the " Royal Lamp ; " and I never can sufficiently regret the injustice done to the gallant General Saldanha, who, in an account of his conduct at Oporto, which I drew up under his own eye, was stated to have " behaved Uke a hero;" but when it came to be printed, it unhappily a^Dpeared as if the general had " behaved like a hare." What I wrote of " the Hoi-ticultural fete " was altered into " the Horticultural fate," as if there was a destiny affecting all the entertainments of that society. When the late Mr. Canning offered Lord F. the office of " Secretary of State," the pubUc were led, by a mere transposition of the letters, to believe that a new office was to be instituted under the title of "Secretary of Taste;" and what gave the more effect to this mistake was the noble lord's admitted fitness for the latter office. I once ventured to bear my humble testimony to the assiduous attendance of a certain reverend dean on the " Minster," but had the mortification to find myself insinu- ating blame against the worthy divine, for his assiduous attendance on the "Minister;" and what was still worse, having to communicate the deserved elevation of " Doctor Jebb "to an L'ish mitre, I was made to announce that " Doctor Jobb " was to be the new Lish Bishop. I remember 412 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS reporting the case of a poor French lady, who " appeared at Bow Street with her pug-dog in her arms," but the printer most ungallantly stated the fair stranger to have appeared "with a pig in her arms;" and on the next day of her attendance a vast crowd had assembled to look at this extra- ordinary pet, and the poor Frenchwoman narrowly escaped being pelted for disappointing their expectations. In some- thing the same way, a respectable tradesman in Oxford Street has had his shop-windows broken, to the loss of near ten pounds, because, having invited the public to inspect his extensive assortment of a fine manufacture called " linos," the printer chose "to invite the public to inspect a large assortment of the finest lions." I am, sir, a warm friend of his Majesty's Government (for the time being), and cannot but deeply feel that even my political views are sometimes distorted. Amongst the benefits to be expected from recent measures in Ireland, I had enumerated the "increase of tillage," — this was changed into increase of "pillage," and copied into all the ultra-Tory papers ; and when I said that these same measures of con- ciliation would induce every loyal and well-disposed subject to unite " in quieting Ireland," it was perverted into a sneer, as if all loyal and well-disposed subjects should unite " in quitting Ireland." Pray, sir, do me the justice to lay this explanatory letter before the public ; above all, let it be correctly printed, I am, sir, your humble servant, A CouKT Repokter. We very often suffer in a similar manner. About two years since, we represented Mr. Peel as having joined a party of "fiends" in Hampshire for the purpose of shooting " peasants ;" and only last week, in a Scotch paper, we saw it gravely stated that a " surgeon " was taken alive in the river, and sold to the inhabitants at 6d. and lOd. per lb. 413 THE VISIT TO WRIGGLESWORTH.* It is said that a certain place not mentionable to " ears polite" is paved with *'good intentions." Whether it will ever be macadamized (for that, I believe, is the term for " unstoning," now fast gaining ground, as I am looking over my paper, which, in all probability, everybody else will over- look) I cannot pretend to say ; but certain it is, that although I was beyond measure mortified by the results of the Twick- enham prank, my exclusion from the society of the Miss Dods, and my absolutely necessary escape from an association with them, I was very soon reconciled to my fate after the arrival of Devil Daly (as I used subsequently to call him) at my lodgings in Sufiblk Street, The instant he had been dislodged from the cottage by the appearance of the young ladies whose family he had so se- riously outraged on the previous evening, instead of walking his horse back to Smart's, at the Toy, at Hampton Court, he cantered up to visit me in London ; not so much from any particular afi'ection for me, but because, although himself the \-ictim, there was something so exciting and delightful to him in a joke, that he could not deny himself the pleasure of narrating to me the history of the arrival of the sylphs, and his extraordinary ruse of the bleeding nose. I never saw him in higher spirits, and, quoad my resolutions, I could not, for the Ufe of me, refuse to join him in a stroll about town, which, although the season was somewhat advanced, was yet agree- ably full, with a pledge to dine with him somewhere after- wards. In those days clubs were scarce, although then hearts were plenty ; there were no clubs of note at that period but White's, Brookes's, and Boodle's. To be sure, there was the Cocoa Tree, and there was Graham's, but the number of * From " Gilbert Gurney." 414 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. members was small, the system confined, and therefore, al- though Daly and I were as proud as Lucifer, and as " fine as fine could be," men had no resource when they wished to enjoy the " feast of reason and the flow of soul "—the one in the shape of a cutlet, and the other in the tapering form of a bottle of claret — but to repair to a coffee-house, a place which, I find, is now (I speak while I am arranging my papers) o.bsolete — a dear, nice, uncomfortable room, with a bar opening into it, a sanded floor, an argand lamp smoking a tin tray in the middle of its ceiling, boxes along its sides, with hard carpet-covered benches, schoolboy tables, and partitions, with rods, and rings, and curtains, like those of a church- warden's pew in a country church. I selected Dejex's, at the corner of Leicester Place. At- tention and civility, a good cuisine, and good wine, formed its particular attractions, and the courteous attention of " mine host " gave a new zest to his cookery and his claret. I own I love attention and civility — not that which seems to be extracted by dint of money, or by force of the relative situ- ations of guest and landlord, but that anxious desire to please, that consideration of one's little peculiarities, and that cheer- fulness of greeting which, even if it be assumed, is always satisfactory. To Dejex's we resolved to go, and ha\dng " secured our box " and taken our stroll, we found ourselves seated and served by a little after six o'clock. There was something irresistibly, practically, engaging about Daly, and I never felt more completely assured of the in- fluence over me of a man with whom I had been so short a time acquainted, than I was when I found myself again — in the course of eight and forty hours — associated with him in a place which, of all others, was the most likely to afford him some opportunity of exhibiting his eccentricities; for the company consisted in a great degree of emigres of the ancient regime, who, until the master-hand of Wellington was raised t J cut the Gordian knot of their difiiculties, which negotiation had for years in vain attempted to untwist, "had made Eng- IHE VISIT TO WRIGGLESWORTH. 415 land the asylum for their persecuted race." Yet, however much their misfortunes — the natural results of anarchy and revolution — might excite our sympathies and demand our assistance, some of them, it must he admitted, were, to our then unaccustomed eyes, extremely strange specimens of humanity ; they were what Mr. Daly, in his peculiar phraseology, called " uncom- mon gigs;" and one very venerable ci-devant marquis, who wore spectacles, the said Daly, as he advanced up the room, somewhat too loudly, I thought, pronounced to be "a gig with lamps." However, we got through dinner, and had safely demolished our admirable omelette soufflee without any outbreaking on the part of my mercurial companion ; the coffee-room began to thin, and I began to be more at my ease than before, when Daly proceeded to recount some of his adventures, which proved to me that, however deeply the scene of the preceding day at Twickenham might have impressed itself on me^ it was to him a " trifle light as air." " But how," said I, " shall I ever reconcile the Dods ? I am destined to meet those people ; you are not." " I was destined to meet them this morning," replied Daly, '* and, if it had not been for this ' bleeding piece of earth,' " laying hold of his nose, " I could not well have escaped ; but for you, rely upon it, it will all turn out right. In a week they will have utterly forgotten you." " What," said I, "will Fanny so soon lose all recollection of me ?" •'To be sure she will," said Daly. " As somebody says, ' Fancy's visions, like the sand, Every idle mark receive ; Lines are traced by every hand, Which no lasting impress leave.' " "But her hand," said I. " You took and shook," replied he, " and very wisely too ; but recollect it was nearly dark when we made our exit." " And you insulted the father " 41 6 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. " who first affronted ?«^," said Daly; "and even if the girls did know me this morning, and recognise me as assistant clerk to the deputy-assistant surveyor of the Pad- dington Canal Company, the deuce is in it if the whole family must not respect me as a high-minded, honourable, and conscientious assistant clerk." " Yes, but it was quite light enough when we arrived," said I, "to see them and their beauties ; why not light enough for them to see our deformities T " Deformities ! " said Daly ; " speak for yourself, Mr. Gurney ; women don't care so much for men's beauty as you may suppose. Here am I — plain, but genteel, like a Wedg- wood teapot — I make my way, and whatever you may think of yourself and Miss Fanny, I flatter myself Gussy, as her ma' called her, was equally well pleased with your humble servant." " And yet we may never see either of them again," said I. "I am not so sure of that," said Daly; "I have done worse to a father than I did to Dod in the course of my life, and yet have come to be domesticated in the family after- wards." " As how ? " said I. " Some three years since," ^said Daly, " I was down at my friend's Sir Marmaduke Wrigglesworth's, in Surrey — charm- ing place — nice wife — excellent shooting — capital cook — and inexhaustible cellars. ' Marmaduke,' said I, ' I hate battues ; here you have a party staying for the wholesale slaughter of pheasants — eleven double barrels all of a row — more chance of homicide than sport ; do me the kindness to let me off, and permit me to "range the fields" by myself, and I will consent to be laughed at for my small gains when the card comes in before dinner.' ' Do as you like,' said Wriggles- worth ; ' this is Liberty Hall ; shoot alone or in company — with dogs or without — have the keeper or not — comme il vous plaira.' Accordingly, away I went, more eager for the sport as having to render an account of my single exploits, young THE VISIT TO WRIGGIESWORTIL 417 enough to do my day's work well, and strong enougli to bring my day's work home. I admit I was not quite so well pleased with what I saw, or rather what I did not see, as I went on : birds were scarce, wild, and shy, and I did not get a shot for the first hour, except at a venerable rabbit, who had retired from public life, but who had somewhat incautiously left his tail out of the burrow which he had selected for his final retreat ; at him I went, and he died — first tenant of my bag." " A tenant in tail," said I, punning professionally. "Well, sir," continued Daly, who never stopped for any- body, " on I went, until at last, after three hours' ploughing and plodding, I fell in with one of the nicest little. snug copses you ever set your eyes on. In I went — whurr went the pheasants — bang went the barrels — down came the birds — and, by the time T had crossed the copse, three cocks and — lieu mild I — two hens gi'aced my store." " Pretty sport for the time," said I. " No sooner, however," said Daly, " had I emerged from the thicket, than I found myself upon a sort of parkish- looking lawn, on the rise of which stood a very respectable house, at the door of which I could distinguish a group of persons standing, and from the court-yard of which I saw some sort of servant leading forth a stout short-legged pony, with a thick neck and a stumpy tail — evidently master's favourite — equal to fourteen stone, warranted never to shy, trip, or stumble. Upon its back did I see a portly gentleman bestride himself, and forthwith begin to canter towards me, followed at a somewhat splitting pace by two keepers on foot, each armed either with guns or sticks, which I could not easily distinguish." " I foresee," said I. " So did I," said Daly; " the moment I saw the governor coming full tilt, I knew I had been trespassing, and the moment I stepped upon his infernal lawn, felt that I had put my foot into it." *' Well," said I, " what happened ? " 27 41 8 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. " Why," continued Daly, " I standing still, and lie moving somewhat rapidly, the elder of the two had the best of it, and I was very soon wdthin six inches of his cob's nose, and within about half a yard of his own. •' You are a pretty fellow, sir,' said the irate gentleman, * to come poaching and killing the birds in my preserves, close to my house — why, what the devil are you thinking of, you rascal? Here, Stephens — Thomson ' *' ' Sir,' said I, ' I am extremely sorry ' " ' Sorry,' interrupted Mr. Bagswash — (for such was the gentleman's name) — ' sorry, yes, and well you may be sorry ; Botany Bay is too good for a fellow Uke you, sir. Lay hands on him.' " ' One moment, sir,' said I, ' I am a gentleman.' Where- upon Squire Bagswash and his keepers burst into an unseemly fit of laughing. '' 'A pretty gentleman too,' said Bagswash. " 'I thank you, sir,' said I, 'I don't want compliments, I only want a hearing. I am staying on a visit at Sir Marmaduke Wrigglesworth's, and here is my card.' Saying which I produced — from what I happened by the merest but luckiest accident in the world to have about me, my card- case — my visiting ticket. *' ' Young man,' said my opponent, having read it, ' is this genuine ? My name, sir, is Bagswash ; I am person- ally known to Sir Marmaduke. Is what you are saying true ?' " ' Sir,' said I, 'I am not accustomed to have my word doubted. I admit, that not being perfectly acquainted with the boundaries of the Wrigglesworth property, I have trans- gressed and trespassed. I am sorry for it ; and sorry that you should have so far forgotten yourself as to use language which, I am quite sure, in a more temperate mood you would regret.' " ' Sir,' said Bagswash, half doubting, and certainly more than half fearing me, ' I don't know that I have used any strong expressions, I -' THE VISIT TO WRIGGLESWORTH. 419 *• * Rascal, I think,' said I, bowing profoundly. "'If I did, I — really,' said Bagswash, *I — might — ^but I was irritated — sir, this is my manor/ " < Why, sir,' said I, 'as to your manner, I do think it might have been a little more courteous — I ' " ' Yes, sir,' said my antagonist, who evidently was anxious to justify his coarseness and vulgarity, 'but — the manor, I mean — for I can't pun, sir, and I hate puns, sir; the manor, I mean, costs me a very large sum annually — a very large sum indeed, sir, to preserve ; and therefore when I see what I conceive to be a poacher immediately under my nose^ actually in my homestead — upon my lawn, I may say — shooting right and left, it does put me in a passion, and I own I was warm, and perhaps hasty ; but it is a provo- cation, and I should like to know, under all the circumstances, what you yourself would say if you were me at this moment ?' "'Say, sir!' said I; 'I haven't the smallest hesitation about that, sir. If I were you at this moment, I should say, — "Mr. Daly, I beg your pardon for the hasty way in which I spoke when I thought you a poacher ; and, in order to show that although passionate I am not vindictive, I hope, as it is just luncheon-time, and you must have walked a long way and haven't had very good sport, that you will do me and Mrs. Bagswash the favour to come in and take a cutlet, or a little cold meat, as the case may be, and make up our differences with a glass or two of wine."" " 'By Jove,' cried Bagswash, 'you are a queer fellow — the very spit of your father, whom I knew before I retired to these parts.' " ' Oh,' whispered one of the keepers to the other, ' master does know him — he had a father.' " ' Oh,' said the other; and they both immediately lowered their sticks to the ground. " ' And,' continued the squire, ' you have only just anti- cipated me in an invitation, except that I apprehended some more serious requisition on your part.' 420 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. " ' Not a bit, sir,' said I ; ' there are a vast many gentle- men in the world who don't look like gentlemen, and the shooting jacket and gaiters equalise appearances so much, that Nature must have done a vast deal to give a man an aristocratic appearance under so rough a husk — but as to any meeting, except at your hospitable table, I have not the slightest wish for it. In my opinion, sir, one luncheon is preferable to two balls.' *' ' Ah ! ' said Bagswash, ' I am glad o' that, in spite of your pun. Eun up, Stephens, and tell them to get luncheon as soon as possible. Mr. Daly, a friend of Sir Marmaduke Wrigglesworth, is coming to join our family party.' " "Well, Daly," said I, "there your presence of mind served you well." "Hear the sequel," said Daly. "Encouraged by the acquiescence of Bagswash, as I was yesterday by the invitation of Dod, I proceeded towards the house, placing, ever and anon, my hand on the neck of his cob, or the pommel of the saddle, in order to mark to the distant group the familiar nature of our acquaintance ; and in this fashion we reached the mansion, upon the steps of which a bevy of graces, in number more like the Muses, welcomed us. I had a reputation even then, and the moment the girls had heard who was coming, they made up their minds to mirth — even the big Mrs. Bagswash rolled herself into the hall, like a fillet of veal upon castors, to do me honour. "Bating the parents," continued Daly, "I never saw a more prepossessing family. I forget all their names ; but one was slim and sylph-like, another plump and pleasant, a third a wicked- looking brunette, a fourth a demure and bashful blonde : all I felt as entered the house was, that if I had brought eight friends with me, I might, by giving each his choice, have had some one of the ' tuneful nine ' left entirely to myself." " And," said I, " were you the only man ?" *'No," replied Daly, "there were two yahoos, in white THE VISIT TO WRIGGLESWORTIL A^2\ cord breeches and leather gaiters, and a boy with a frill and a frock, upon which a favourable eruption of brass sugar* loaf buttons had taken place ; a Dr. Somebody, who turned out to be the nearest apothecary ; and a very pale, long^ legged youth, the curate of the parish." " A largeish luncheon-party," said I. " Well," said Daly, "I sat down, having first very much ingratiated myself with old Bags wash, who was as chary of his pheasants as if they had been of the golden breed, by insisting upon it that his man Stephens should disencumber my bag of the birds which I had shot on his land, retaining my solitary rabbit, in order to grace my tale when I reached Wrigglesworth ; and there I found myself placed between mine hostess, and number one of the daughters — a very nice, pretty thing — not what one 'should call well set up,' but Nature, as I said about gentlemen to her papa, had done a great deal for her ; poor thing, how I pitied her ' — and pity is akin to love. So, after luncheon, and some wine, do you know, Gurney, I almost began to subside into a tenderer feeling. But then, one of nine ! " " Well, and how did it end ?" said I. " Why," replied Daly, " it would have ended, I have no doubt, as prosperously as it begun, had not my new friend, Bagswash, committed himself by begging me to drink some London Particular Madeira — Duff, Murphy, Gordon, or something of that sort. The moment I tasted it I knew what it was, and, rather elated by circumstances, and my other previous libations, I had the temerity to address the dear, interesting, white-necked creature next me, and, in a tone of confidential condolence, begged her not to ba deceived, for that although her amiable papa might be a judge of other things, he evidently knew nothing of wine, and that the stufl* he called ' London Particular ' was neither more nor less than infernally bad Tenerifi*e. " The male Bagswash was unconscious of the imputation, but the queen B. overheard me, and, looking towards what 422 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. might literally be called her open countenance, I saw symptoms of fire breaking out, and in less than a minute afterwards the domestic Proserpine exclaimed ' Come, girls, let us go — too much of your pa's Tenreefe will do you a mischief.' Up she got, and out she wheeled herself, and the moment she set the example, away went the nine she Bagswashes, like so many goslings after the maternal goose. *' I," continued Daly, ''regretted the retreat, for I had had an opportunity to insinuate myself, and never saw an audience more thoroughly prepared to be gratified; indeed, so convinced were they, from what they had heard of me, that I was a vastly agreeable person, and talked epigrams, that when, while they were all sitting with their ears open to catch mj facetim, I happened to observe (the first observation I had made, too, and that, in reply to a question of the big Bagswash) that I thought mustard went remarkably well with cold boiled beef, they all burst out into an immoderate fit of laughter ; and the doctor, who had been tutored into a belief in my superlative wit, exclaimed, '* Oh, oh, that's too bad ! ' which every fool cries out, either when he thinks a thing remarkably good, or does not com- prehend it in the least, which last was the case — as indeed it was with all the rest of the party — with my new-found medical friend." "Did you contrive," said I, "to afiront the rest of the company before you quitted it ?" "Not all of them," said Daly; "no; I believe I got oflf pretty well, but evidently the worse for wear ; for, Tenerifi'e or not Tenerijffe, it is my maxim to stick to the wreck as long as she floats, and as long as I could get anybody to sit, I staid ; the curate and the boy with the frill went with the ladies, but Bagswash and the parish Paracelsus remained. However, at last, seeing all the bottles empty, and no dis- position on the part of Baggy to replenish, I made a move, and never did I see a man more happy at having got out of a scrape than mine host. He sent his kindest regards to THE VISIT TO WRIGGLESWORTH. 423 the Wrigglesworths — hoped to see me soon again — did I know my road home ? In short, I cannot enumerate the civilities he heaped upon me, which, considering his respect for my friend Sir Marmaduke, and the fact of his having nine unmarried daughters, I duly appreciated, and forthwith bent my way homewards." ** Glad, I should think," said I, " to be safe out." " On the contrary," said Daly, " I should like to have remained where I was ; if it had not been for the anger of the respectable cat-of-nine-tails about the Teneriffe, it would have been a very agreeable domicile. However, once started, onwards I went, rejecting, indignantly, the offer of Bags wash to send a man to show me the way ; — nothing I hate so much ; as if a man who had followed his nose into a place could not follow his nose out of it." " I trust," said I, " that your intrepidity was crowned with success ?" "Rather crippled," replied Daly, ** as you shall hear; however, there are two ends to my story, or, rather, a story and a sequel." " Pray go on," said I, knowing that so long as his breath lasted, his tongue would wag, as a cherry-clapper does while the wind blows. ** Gad, sir," said he, "I walked off — I admit the Teneriffe to have been potent — and I thought of one thing, and another thing, and I believe I thought of all the things in the world, except the way which I was going. They say, you know, some men have every sense but common sense — my case to a hair. Common sense is like flour ; the other sort of sense is like sugar and gilding, and all the rest of those things — beautiful to adorn a cake and embellish the patisserie, but, without the flour, mere ornaments ; now, without the ornaments, the flour will make bread. I never had the flour — never shall have. So you perceive that the sugar and the flummery being my staple, on I went and went, until I began to think I had missed my way, and just then I 424 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. found myself stopped by a gate opening into — or, rather, shutting me out of— a remarkably well-stocked farm-yard — ricks, stacks, stables, barns— everything comfortable and con- venient ; with half a million cocks and hens, walking about like ladies and gentlemen, all as happy as happy could be. Over the gate I stepped, waded my way through the straw, and, leaning over the hatch of one of his outhouses, who should I see but the farmer himself. As I advanced, he touched his hat, and civilly asked whether I had had much sport ? " ' Not much,' said I, recollecting that the whole contents of my bag now amounted to one elderly rabbit, with a Cape tail ; ' I am on my way to Wrigglesworth, and out of it, too, as I think. How far have I to go ? ' '''Seven miles, I count,' said the farmer. 'You are coming right away from it, sir. Wrigglesworth lies over there, on your left.' " 'Thank you,' said I, 'thank you. If you will just give me a sort of concise direction, — I am a dab at topography. Merely give me the points, and I'll go across a country I never saw in my life before.' " ' Well, sir,' said the kind fellow, ' if so be as that is the case, I'll tell you. When you get out of the gate down there, turn to your left, and keep on straight till you come to Pussy's Nob ; then away to the right, over Sumpter's Green, and you'll soon see the Crooked Billet. Don't go near that, but turn short round by Wheatley's Copse ; keep on, till you come to the stile on your left ; go over that, through Timsbury's Lane, and that will bring you out by the Three Mackerel, and there they'll be sure to put you in the right road.' " ' Thank you,' said I to the farmer, ' I will follow your instructions most implicitly ; but I suppose I shall have no chance of getting a shot, now, in that direction — even at a pheasant-roosting — eh ? ' "'No, sir,' said the farmer, 'can't say as how I think you will get many more shots this evening.' THE VISIT TO WRIGGLES WORTH. 425 *' * Well,' said I, ' now both my barrels are loaded. I've got nothing in my bag but an old buck rabbit with a nob tail ; and as I hate going home with no proofs of my sport, and the one head — or tail — that I have bagged takes the domestic character, what shall I give you to have a shot with both barrels at all those ducks in the pond, and the fowls on the side of it, standing here, and to carry away what I kill ? ' "'You'll kill a woundy sight on 'em, I think, at that distance,' said the considerate farmer. " ' Perhaps yes — perhaps no,' said I. " ' And to have all you kill ? ' said he, doubtingly. " ' Yes ; all I kill fairly out-and-out,' said I. "'Why, you shall give me half-a-guinea,' said the man. " ' Half-a-guinea ! ' echoed I. * No, no ; if I kill three or foiu' of them it w^ill be the outside. No ; I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll stand here — won't move an inch ; and you shall have a seven- shilling piece for the slaughter.' "*Well, sir,' said the farmer, hitching up his lower garments, ' a bargain's a bargain. Hand over the twine.' "Whereupon," said Daly, "I tipped him that beautiful miniature portrait of half-a-guinea, and told him I was ready to take my shots. He nodded assent ; and, having pocketed the money, bade me proceed. I did so. Crack went one barrel — bang ! slap went the other — bang ! — and such a fluttering, and cackling, and squashing, and squabbling you never heard. I ran forward, and secured, as my spoil, four hens in high condition, a very respectable cock, fit companion for my rabbit ; and from the pond fished, with the butt-end of my Manton, two extremely corpulent ducks, who had paid the debt of nature in the most decided manner ; these I got out, the others I got up, and stufl*ed them all incontinently into my bag, delighted to think what a display I should make at Wrigglesworth, where it was quite clear I could, by no possibiUty,. arrive in time for dinner. However, that was 426 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. my joke, and it seemed to be the farmer's ; he laughed quite as much as I did." "Inherent good humour, I suppose," said I. **Why, as for that," said Daly, ^^ you shall judge. I bagged my birds in the first instance ; and then, having secured my booty, began to rally my victim ; and having acknowledged his civility in giving me my travelling direc- tions, said to him, with a low bow, * Thank you for the game, sir.' ** ' Yes, sir,' said the farmer, ' you are a deuced sight better shot than I counted upon, considering what you had in your bag afore.' "'Yes,' said I, 'I think you are what you may call " done." Seven shillings won't pay for the poultry in my pouch, I guess.' " * No,' said the farmer, 'nor three times the money, I count.' " * Well, then,' replied I, *I think I have the best of the bargain.' " ' Not much, ' said the man. " ' Not much ! ' cried I ; * why, a guinea's worth of fowls for a seven-shilling piece ' "'Yees, sir, that's true,' said the fellow, turning slowly away from the hatch, and grinning as he turned ; ' hut they are none on 'em mine.' " I could have killed him for his roguery ; but there was so much fun in it " " So much in your own way,"- cried I. " Exactly so," said Daly; " that, instead of breaking his head, which he most righteously deserved, I joined in his infernal horse-laugh, and made the best of my way out of the farm-yard, lest I should be immediately apprehended by the right owner as a robber of hen-roosts." "And," said I, " you carried home your spoils." " Not I," exclaimed my unstoppable companion. " Take some wine — help yourself — and listen ; for the sequel is most terribJe. I had such a night of it ! " THE VISIT TO WRIGGLESWORTH. 427 *' How?" said I. ** Why," said Daly, " out of the gate I went, turned to my left, and got to Pussy's Nob ; but it began to get dusk, and very soon afterwards dark ; and when I began veering away over Sumpter's Green, I found myself on a wide common, without path, guide, or guide-post. As the dark- ness increased, so did the declivity ; and when I had lost all power of seeing, I was gratified by feeling myself in a sort of quagmire, which, for all I knew, might get softer and thicker every step I took. I looked out for the stars, and saw a few : but they were of no kind of use to me ; for I had not the slightest idea what direction, even under their guidance, I ought to take. I resolved to avoid the bogs ; and kept edging away, until I at length reached a gap, which, as it led off the infernal common, I hoped might lead me to some habitation." " Where spring-guns and steel-traps were set every night," said I. " Not a bit of it," said Daly. " I w^ent on, following my nose, until I found myself at the edge of a copse, which I began to think looked extremely like Squire Bagswash's pre- serve. However, it was not that; but I heard people talking at no great distance, and a call of ' Halloo ! ' How to act I did not exactly know, with a gun and a bagfull of cocks and hens, and a venerable rabbit to boot. What could I do ? To have answered the call would have been to be detected as a poacher in the dark. I resolved, at all events, on getting rid of my poultry in the first instance, and accord- ingly emptied my store, rabbit, tail, and all, and proceeded somewhat more gaily after having thrown out my ballast ; j^et not without some apprehension, either of being shot by the keepers for a poacher, or by the poachers for a keeper ; I so got clear of the whistling firs and moaning larches as fast as I could, still utterly ignorant of my course." " And getting late," said I. '* It must then have been past eight," said Daly. " On I 428 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. trudged; scrambled over the furrows of one field, and through the turnips in another ; and so on and on, until at last I was forced to sit myself down on a gate and rest ; and, I give you my word, although I have known a great deal of the world, I never was so dead beat in my life as I was then. Not a house could I see. The glimmering of a rushlight in a cottage window would, in my eyes, have been thrice more brilliant than the whole regalia of England collected. But no : there were no cottages — no rushlights ; and I do believe I went the length of swearing at my own stupidity in under- taking my solitary excursion. Only one set-off was there to the whole thing; — I had seen the Bagswashes, male and female, and laid in materials for an Mstoriette for the next evening — that is, if I really survived the present one ; but I began to feel cold, and hungry, and thirsty. However, it appeared pretty certain that out of the fields I must get, if I went straight on end, and could not well fail of fetching up in a road somewhere at last." "Which, as you are here alive to tell the tale," said I, " of course you did." ''Why, yes," said Daly, "I did; but it was not for a long time ; and then I had come to a full stop ; and, striking the butt of my Manton on the ground, I swore, by stock and barrel, that I would not budge from under a huge tree which overshadowed me till daylight - came to my aid. I was ravenous — I was chilled — I was wretched — I was tired to death ; but why tire myself more ? — and accordingly, feeling, and I daresay looking, very like the dear Don of La Mancha, I sat myself down with my back against the trunk, and, if you'll believe me, fell fast asleep." "Asleep !" said I. "Fast as a church," said Daly, "and dreamt — dreamt, first, that I was starving, — that, I think, must have been a sort of waking vision; then, that I was at a ball; and then I dreamt of being safe back at mine host's hospitable mansion ; and then I had a confused, hurly-burly kind of a dream^ THE VISIT TO WRIGGLESWORTH. 429 either that I was Sir Mannaduke Wriggles worth, or that Lady Wrigglesworth was Mrs. Daly, or something of that sort, and that I tumbled out of bed, which tumble was to me a * dying fall ;' for I rolled over on my side, and woke — in no bed — in no house, but where I had lain me down, under the tree before-mentioned." " You must have caught your death of cold ? " said I. **No, Dalys and cats are very tenacious," said my jocular friend; "I roused myself — sat up and listened — recollected where I w\as, and heard at the same moment what was really ' sweet music to mine ear,' the sound of a bell-team. Ho ! ho ! says I — you are tliere, are you ? — where there are bells there are horses — where there's a team there's a waggon — where there's a waggon there's a road — up I jumped, and as fast as I could, just roused from my slumbers, scrambled over brambles and clambered over fences, until I caught sight of the waggoner's lantern waggling on the side of the tilt like a bright pendulum to regulate the wheels ; the moment I saw that I knew I was landed, and, after en- countering a few of those thumps and bumps which ' flesh is heir to,' found myself on a high road. Waggons, even those called * flies,' may be overtaken, and although dead beat, and sore of foot, I soon came up with the eight plaited-tailed animals which were dragging th« mountain, second only in size to the Juggernaut idol. ** My first object was to ascertain where I was, and what the direction of the vast pile before me. I found, to my par- ticular satisfaction, that I was within two miles of Ripley, and that the edifice was moving towards London — the result was, an involuntary spring upon the shafts of the vehicle, and a look at the waggoner, which, by the light of his revolver, was perfectly intelligible. The gun, the gaiters, the grace, and the gentility, spoke the gentleman, and he gave me leave to assume the post which he himself was prevented by Act of Parliament from occupying. All my sorrows fled the moment I felt myself moved along without 430 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. any personal exertion, and the smiles which had nearly been exhausted during my toil and trouble, returned, as Moore sings, to 'gild my brow.' *I have had walking enough,' said I to myself, 'and grieving enough — nunc est ridendum.' " " Excellent wag ! " said I. " Excellent waggon, rather," said Daly, " for so it proved ; and after three-quarters of an hour's hard tugging by the * hell assemblee ' before me, I was dropped, gun, gaiters, bag, and all, at the door of the Talbot — facing the Green. I tipped my driver — bade adieu to the tilt — and began knock- ing loudly at the door of mine ostlery." " And a nice enough inn it is," said I. "It turned out to be past midnight," said Daly; "and, by the merest luck in the world, the exemplary widow who then occupied it had not gone to her rest, or roost. She personally answered my call, and replied to my knock. After a few preliminary ' Who's there's ? ' she opened the door ; and the moment she recognised me — for I was well known upon the road — her delight, as you may conceive, was unspeakable. " ' Bless my heart, Mr. Ijaly,' said the widow, ' what a time o' night to be strolling about with your gun ! Why, where do ijou come from ? ' " 'That,' said I, 'is about the last question in the world I can answer satisfactorily. I have been wandering across a country with which I am not particularly well acquainted — have tired myself to death, and fallen asleep.' "'Fallen indeed,' said mine hostess, 'into a ditch, Mr. Daly, I should think. Why, dear me, what a condition you are in ! ' " ' Exactly,' said I ; ' recumbent repose in October under an oak, is not particularly delicate ; however, my darling, give me some supper, some hot brandy and water, and order me the most comfortable bed in the house, for I am a- tired.' "'Why, sir/ asked the dear woman, 'where is your THE VISIT TO WRIGGLESWORTIL 43 1 servant with your clothes — you cannot think of sleepmg here in that condition ? ' '' * Not exactly,' said I ; * I shall take off my clothes when I go to bed — and as for my servant, he is snug and happy at Sir Marmaduke Wrigglesworth's (where I ought to be too), unless they have sent him out with a rake and a lantern to search for me and drag all the horse-ponds in the neigh- bourhood. I tell you I am hungry — and tired — and shall be very sleepy ; — out with your tit-bits and delicacies — some- thing piquant — nice — savoury, eh — and after that, a com- fortable nest.' " * You shall have something to eat,' said the widow, 'and something to drink, for those I can give you myself; but as for a bed, I haven't one in the house — crammed full from top to bottom.' "'I'm very tired,' said I; 'I can sleep compact like a dog on a hearth-rug — half a bed will do for me.' "'Come, Mr. Daly,' said the landlady, 'none of your nonsense — I have no bed whatever to-night, and here it is almost one o'clock — you had better let me ring up the next turn-out, and get back to Wrigglesworth.' " ' Thank you, Fanny,' said I ; * I used to call her Fanny in her husband's time, and he was killed, switching a rasper, three years before ; ' not I — I should not get there till nearly four — all the family " in a deep sleep buried," — no, no — nou of \)our nonsense — where am I to rest ?' " 'I told you the truth,' said the widow; 'there's not a bed disengaged.' " 'Not one?' said I — looking, as I fancied, most insinu- atingly, and helping myself to a glass of brandy from a bottle covered with a gilt bunch of grapes, at the same time gently pressing the tip of mine hostess's little finger. " ' Not one, upon my life, Mr. Daly,' replied she ; ' indeed, we are so full, that my sister Jane, who is here, is obliged to sleep with me.' "'That's very unfortunate indeed,' said I; 'however, I 432 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. rejoice that you have so much custom — all's good for trade — at all events, let me eat — let me warm myself — both in the sunshine of those bright eyes, and in the blaze of the parlour fire.' " Mine hostess proceeded to make me exceedingly com- fortable — I ate cold fowl and ham, and drank hot brandy and water, and eventually punch. Mine hostess sipped shrub — a liquor which, if it were liqueur, would rank fathoms above either Cura9oa or Maraschino — till at last the clock striking two, reminded her it was time to go to bed. "'Ah,' said I, 'that is extremely just and proper. But, alas ! I am like my melancholy little friend who was * * very gentil, but whose hair came a leetle through the top of his hat," — I have no bed to go to.' "'It's very provoking,' said the landlady, 'so tired as you are, too.' " ' It is, indeed,' replied I — seeing a proposition of some sort or other on the tip of her tongue. " ' Now,' said she, looking remarkably serious, ' can I trust you — will you promise me, if I give you a bed, to do as I bid you, Mr. Daly?' " ' Your commands,' said L, ' shall be obeyed to the letter — only let me rest myself quietly and comfortably — it is all I ask — for never was poor devil so tired in his life as I.' " ' Take a drop more punch, Mr. Daly,' said my landlady, ' it will make you sleep the sounder.' " ' No fear of that,' said I ; ' but what do you propose ? ' " ' Why,' said mine hostess, ' I have one bed unoccupied.' " ' Why didn't you say so before ? ' cried I. " ' I'll tell you why,' said my fair friend ; ' it's a double- bedded room, and the other bed is occupied by a ' " ' snoring farmer, from Farnham,' said I ; ' or per- haps a tight-skinned sailor, walking his way to town from Portsmouth.' " * No,' said she, looking very pathetic — and very pretty by the way — ' by a lady.' THE VISIT TO WRIGGLESWORTH. 433 A lady/ said I, ' oh, charming thought ! ' ■ " ' There it is,' interrupted the lady, ' that's just what I expected, you are all fire and tow — alight in a moment — now I shall not say another word, and you must sleep, if you mil sleep here, in the arm-chair by the fire.' "'No,' said I, 'no — don't be angiy — I didn't know — I thought ' " 'Yes, Mr. Daly, that's what you are always thinking, I beheve,' said mine hostess, ' but that won't do —the lady who occupies the other bed in the double-bedded room is a sad invalid ; she has been stopping here for some time, and the only rest she gets is by dint of laudanum, which the doctor gives her in large doses, and she sleeps soundly during the night, which makes up for the sufferings she endures by day. If you choose to behave well — and, tired as you are, I don't like to turn you out or leave you here — you shall have the other bed. You must go gently into the room, and when you are in bed I will come and take away your candle ; and as I sleep in the next room, if you don't remain perfectly quiet I shall insist upon your getting up and coming down again here into the bar.' " ' Agi-eed,' said I, 'I only ask for a bed — all I want is rest — I am scarcely able to walk or stand, therefore I agi-ee to yom* condition ; let me finish my punch, and marshal me the way I should go.' " After looking at me suspiciously and hesitatingly for a minute or two, my dear landlady agreed to trust me ; and accordingly having seen that my bed was properly prepared she retui'ned, and, lighting a candle, preceded me upstairs, and opening the door of the room put her finger to her lips to enforce silence, whispering me, that when I was in bed I should knock against the wainscot which separated her room from that in which I was to repose, and that she would come and fetch my candle. " I promised to obey all her injunctions. The cm-tains of the other bed were closely drawn — I never felt so awkward 28 434 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS in my lifq — but I had promised ; yet one peep before the light vanished — no — perhaps the lady would wake and scream, and I should be forthwith ejected. I resolved to keep my faith, at all events till mine hostess was herself asleep, and then see — as far as utter darkness would permit — how the affair would terminate. "Accordingly, I hurried off my clothes — washed my face, hands, and mouth as gently and quietly as possible, and having concluded my brief preparations for depositing myself on my much longed-for couch, gave the concerted signal, and scarcely was well in my place before my dear landlady entered the room on tip-toe, and, coming up close to the bed- side and having whispered ' Now, remember yom- promise,' took the glimmering light away, and left me in the dark with my fair and slumbering companion. ** There was something very strange in my position ; I was tired to death, but somehow I could not sleep. I lay and listened to hear whether my fair incognita would sneeze — or cough — or cry * hem' — or play off any little coquettish trick which, under the circumstances, I thought probable enough. I durst not move, for 1 knew I was watched ; however, I sat up in the bed and began to wonder. Is it, thought I, an old woman or a young woman ? — an invalid is interesting, and, bless her, she must be uncommonly genteel, for she does not snore in the least — a few minutes served to convince me that my landlady did — and I rather rejoiced in the sound of her slumbers, since I thought I might perhaps succeed in attract- ing the attention of my sleeping partner ; and the fact that a gentleman of my very respectable pretensions was so whimsically associated with her — knowing mine hostess's archness — induced me to attribute her readiness to quarter me upon the slumbering beauty, to a foreknowledge on her part that my introduction would not be considered altogether an intrusion. " After I had satisfied myself that my landlady was really safe, I had recourse to some slight coughs, which do occa- THE VISIT TO WRIGGLESWORTH. 435 sionally infest one ; but no, my signals were not answered : the dose of laudanum had been particularly strong that night. At last I thought I heard a slight movement. I began to listen till I heard the beating of my own heart, and felt a sort of drumming palpitation in my ears. I held my breath : pshaw, thought I, this woman has been cheating me, the other bed is tenantless, — a trick to try me, — and for what a stupid dolt she will set me down if I don't convince her that I had at least ctiriosity enough in my composition to ascertain what was in it. *' My feelings fired at the thought. Up I got, — groped my way across the room, — the white dimity drapery being just visible amidst the ' palpable obscure.' I reached the bed, — I paused, — I heard nothing ; — I partly opened the curtains at the side, and said in a soft, very soft voice,* Hem ! ' No answer. * Ma'am, — ma'am,' still silent; — 'are you there?' said I ; — and, placing my hand on the pillow, found she was. Dear, unconscious creature, there she lay, comfortably cuddled up in the clothes, and sleeping, or seeming to sleep, soundly. I was, I admit, on the point of proceeding to awaken her, in order to announce my presence, when, in stepping towards the head of the bed, my foot came in contact with a chair which stood on its right-hand side, which was overthrown with a crash that, in an instant, roused — not my dear opium-drinker — but my lynx-like land- lady. I heard her jump out of bed. I jumped into mine, but, in less than two minutes, there she was, like Margaret's * grimly ghost,' standing before me, loading me with re- proaches, and ordering me, in the most peremptory terms, to take the candle, descend the stairs, and dress myself in the parlour behind the bar, and wait until she came down to eject me from the house ; seeing that she could have no kind of confidence in a gentleman who had so much confidence in himself. " Vain were my pantomimic supplications : she would listen to nothing but immediate abdication ; and I could not 436 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. well be angry with her, for she had put faith in me, and perhaps run the risk of losing a valuable customer by indulging me with the luxuries of ease and rest which, under no other circumstances, she could have afforded me. I implicitly obeyed her commands ; and, as soon as she had retired to dress herself, collected my wearing apparel, and slunk downstairs to prepare for my departure, which seemed inevitable. As I passed along the passages, I heard multi- farious snorings in all directions, which convinced me of the truth of my landlady's assertions as to the influx of company, and made me repent more sorely than before, that I could not for once in my life act with discretion and decorum. "I had scarcely finished dressing myself when my land- lady made her appearance in the parlour. *' 'I really am surprised, sir,' said she, ' at your conduct. I thought, as a gentleman, you might have been trusted, con- sidering the circumstances under which I ventured to put you into that room.' ** ' Really,' said I, ' I thought you were playing me a trick, and I could not bear your having the laugh against me, and so I certainly did venture just to ascertain ' ''* Ascertain ! ' cried the landlady; 'that's just the verj^ thing you ought upon no consideration whatever to have done. Did I not tell you the lady was an invalid ? Oh ! Mr. Daly, Mr. Daly ! I believe you are the d ' *' ' evil be, ma'am,' said I, interrupting her, ' to him who evil thinks. I meant no harm, and ' '* ' You might have ruined me, sir,' said mine hostess. '' ' Might I ? ' said I ; ' when ? ' '' ' This very night, sir,' said she ; ' this very hom\ Why, what would have been thought of me and my house, if it had been known that I had allowed you to sleep in that room ? Nobody would have beHeved that I did it out of pure regard for your comfort, tired and knocked up as you were, and because I had not a hole or corner besides into which you could have poked yourself : however, it will be a lesson for THE VISIT TO WRIGGLESWORTH. 437 me another time ; and now, Mr. Daly, if you will take my ad\dce, — the lads are getting up in the yard, — ^you will let me order out a chaise and pair, and go on to Guildford, where, I have no doubt, they have plenty of beds, and where you may get some comfortable rest ; and as the brother of the lady in No. 3 is sleeping here to-night, something unpleasant to all parties might happen in the morning, and you would do me a very great favour if you would go.' *'I felt considerably inclined, for many reasons, to accede to what appeared the very reasonable desire of mine hostess : first of all, I might do her a mischief by staying; in the second place, the lady might complain to her brother ; in the third place, the White Hart at Guildford was a remarkably good inn ; and a well-made bed, and a well-warmed bed-room, would be extremely comfortable by comparison with the chilly atmosphere and the chair- slumber of the parlour behind the bar at Ripley. To Guildford I must eventually proceed, — and why not now ? So, with the best possible grace, I told mine hostess that I was at her command, and begged of her to dispose of me as she thought fit. " I paid her liberally for the horses, the repast, and the portion of my night's rest which I ought to have had ; and when I stepped into the ' yellow and two,' I shook hands with her, and she gave me a look as much as to say, again and again, ' Daly, Daly ! you are not to be trusted.' '* Well, sir, away I went, glasses rattling, and wind whistling (a short stage, you know) ; and, before four, we reached the White Hart. I had forestalled my Guildford sleep in the chaise ; however, we soon made them hear at the inn, and in less than three quarters of an hour I was again rolled up in the sheets, having before I went to bed written a note to my servant at Wrigglesworth, which I desired might be sent ofi" early in the morning, directing him, after leaving word with Sir Marmaduke's man that I was alive, if not merry, to come to me with my clothes and other 438 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. requisites for dressing by ten o'clock ; and certainly, I must say, I never did enjoy my rest and quietness so entirely and completely as upon that particular occasion. Instead of ten o'clock — having desired that I might not be disturbed — I did not awake until past noon, and then regretted that my balmy comfort had been broken in upon. "From my servant, when I saw him, I learned that my friends at Wrigglesworth had really expressed great anxiety on my account, which did not displease me, — I rather like to create an effect, — but I did not hear that my dear Lady Wrigglesworth had either absented herself from dinner or disappeared for the evening in consequence of my absence, which I confess mortified my vanity a little. I dressed, and having ensconced myself in the drawing-room of the White Hart, the walls of which apartment were most constitutionally decorated with loyal and orthodox prints, and which imme- diately faces the Gothic House, I delighted myself by watch- ing the movements of two uncommonly pretty girls in the said antiquated edifice, who appeared to be in full possession, in the absence, as I surmised, of some greater, and probably graver, personages. " After breakfast I strolled out. I like Guildford : it is a nice, clean, handsome, healthy town ; the hill in the street I admit to be a nuisance ; the alternation between climbing up and sliding down is tiresome, and even dangerous. These little objections did not affect me — nothing affects me when I am on the hunt for subjects — so away I went — smack bang into a Quaker's shop to buy myself a pair of gloves — and there — there I saw what I had never before seen — two Quaker children playing about the place, thee'ing and thou'ing each other with perfect French famiharity. Now, do you know," continued Daly, "it is quite worthy of remark, — that nobody — always, I presume, excepting Quakers them- selves — has ever seen a Quaker baby in arms, a Quaker lady enceinte, or a Quaker gentleman with a uvoden leg — eh ? I like these statistical speculations. So, having bought my THE VISIT TO WRIGGLESWORTH. 439 gloves, I returned to ' mine inn,' about one, intending forth- with to proceed to Wriggles worth. " Just as I reached the door of the White Hart, and just as my man was bringing out my horses, my eye was attracted by a funeral procession, consisting merely of a hearse, one mourning coach, and a private carriage, which had halted before the door; two persons who had occupied the coach having entered the house while fresh horses were put to the three vehicles. A natural and not very blameable curiosity prompted me to ask a jolly, merry-looking undertaker, whose funeral it was, whether they were going, and whence they had come ? " ' "Why, sir,' said the man, * what you see here isn't the regular job as I hopes to turn it out at Chichester next Tuesday, which is the day fixed for the interment of the corpse. Short notice, you see, sir ; could not do everything in a minute, su'.' " ' What is the name of the ? ' I hesitatingly asked. *' ' Miss Barmingfield, sir,' said the man, ' is the name of the corpse. Poor young lady, it was as well as you and me three days ago, and was a coming down to Chichester to spend a month with its mother ; when, just in a minute, it was taken ill at Ripley, and out it went for all the world like the snufi' of a candle. ' '* ' At Ripley ! ' said I ; 'did she hve at Ripley ? ' " ' No, sir, she didn't,' said the undertaker ; ' you'll excuse me — she died there.' " ' But she must have lived there first, I presume,' said I, rather angrily ; for a joker hates to be joked upon. *''A very short time indeed,' said the jolly undertaker. ' She arrived at the Talbot the day before yesterday, about twelve o'clock, in high health, and by six at night, as I said afore, she was a corpse.' '*'At the Talbot!' said I. 'And are you bringing the body from the Talbot now ? ' *'*Yes, sir,' said the man; 'on our way to Chichester. 440 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. We could not move her, poor dear young lady, afore, because I couldn't get things ready till this morning.' '* ' Pray,' said I, with a degree of agitation which evidently astonished my companion in the crape, ' where — in what part of the Talbot at Eipley did the young lady die ? ' " ' In Number 3 ; that 'ere double-bedded room right over the gateway,' said the man. ' We only packed her up this morning.' "My dear Gurney, you may easily imagine what my feel- ings were. Only conceive the idea of having been turned into a double-bedded room in the dark with a dead woman ! It was lucky that the horses were pronounced ready, and that Major Barmingfield, whose residence at Ripley mine hostess had so truly announced, made his appearance just at the moment that the undertaker had enlightened me on the subject. I felt a mingled sensation of horror at the event, of joy at my escape from the place where it occurred, and of repentance for my misconduct towards my landlady, who had so good-naturedly strained a point for my accom- modation, which nearly overset me ; and I have not a notion what I should have done, had it not been that the coldness of the weather afforded me an excuse for drinking off a glass of brandy, and the lateness of the hour forced me to mount my nag and begin my canter to Wrigglesworth forthwith." A VISIT TO THE OLD BAILEY. As I entered the Court, a case of some importance had just terminated, and the judge just concluded his summing up, when the clerk of the arraigns put the customary question to the jury, " How say ye, gentlemen — is the prisoner at the bar guilty or not guilty ?" Upon which the jm-ymen laid their heads together, and I heard something in a whisper from their foreman, who immediately pronounced the agi-eeable A VISIT TO THE OLD BAILEY. 44 1 verdict, "Not guilty." The prisoner bowed gracefully — he was a pickpocket — and retired. The prompt decision of the jury convinced me that it must have been a clear case ; and I rejoiced at the departui-e of the now exonerated sufferer. " That's a reg'lar rascal," said the sheriff to me in a whisper; ** never was such a case heard on, to be sure — seventeen watches, thirty-two pocket handkerchiefs, four pair of spec- tacles, and five snuff-boxes, all found upon his person !" "Yet," said I, "the evidence could not have been very strong against him — the jury acquitted him after a minute's consultation." " Evidence, Mr. Gurney !" said the sheriff, " how little do you know of the Old Bailey ! — why, if these London juries were to wait to consider evidence, we never should get through the business — the way we do here is to make a zig-zag of it." I did not exactly comprehend the term as it was now ap- plied, although Daly had often used it in my society with reference to a pin and a card universally employed at the interesting game of rowje et noir ; and I therefore made no scruple of expressing my ignorance. " Don't you understand, sir ?" said the sheriff — " why, the next prisoner will be found guilty — the last was acquitted — the one after the next will be acquitted too — it comes alter- nate like — save half, convict half — ^that's what we call a zig- zag ; and taking the haggregate, it comes to the same pint, and I think justice is done as fair here as in any court in Christendom." This explanation rendered the next prisoner who made his appearance an object of considerable interest to me. He was a little dirty boy, who stood charged with having stolen a pound of bacon and a peg-top from a boy somewhat his junior. The young prosecutor produced a witness, who, as far as ap- pearances went, might, without any gi-eat injustice, have taken the place of the prisoner, and who gave his evidence with con- siderable fluency and flippancy. His manner attracted the 442 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS notice of one of the leading barristers of the court, Mr. Flap- pertrap, who, in cross-examining him, inquired whether he knew the nature of an oath. ''Yes, I does," said the boy. " Explain it," said Flappertrap. " You may be d d," replied the lad ; " that's a hoath, arn't it ?" "What does he say?" said the judge — who, as I about this period discovered, was as deaf as a post. " He says, ' You may be d d,' my lord," said Flap- pertrap, who appeared particularly glad of an opportunity to borrow a phrase, which he might use for the occasion. '' What does he mean by that ?" said the judge. '* That is the way, my lord, he exhibits his knowledge of the nature of an oath." " Pah ! pah !" said the judge — " Boy, d'ye hear me ?" " Yes," said the boy, *' I hears." " Have you ever been to school ?" " Yes," said the boy, " in St. Giles's parish for three years." " Do you know your catechism ?" The boy muttered something which was not audible to the court generally, and was utterly lost upon the judge personally. " What does he say ?" said his lordship. *' Speak up, sir," said Mr. Flappertrap. The boy muttered again, looking down and seeming em- barrassed. *' Speak louder, sir," said another barrister, whose name I did not know, but who was remarkable for a most unequivocal obliquity of vision — *' speak to his lordship — look at him — look as I do, sir." " I can't," said the boy, " you squints !" A laugh followed this bit of naivete, which greatly abashed the counsellor, and somewhat puzzled the judge. *' What does he say ?" said his lordship. " He says he knows his catechism, my lord." A VISIT TO THE OLD BAILEY. 443 " Oh — does not know his catechism — why then, what — " " Docs know, my lord," whispered the lord mayor, who was in the chau-. ** Oh — ah — does know — I know — here, boy," said his lordship, " you know your catechism, do you ?" ''Yes," replied he, sullenly. " We'll see, then — what is your name ?" said his lordship. " My name," said the intelligent lad — " what, in the cate- chism ?" '* Yes, what is your name ?" '* M. or N. as the case may be," said the boy. "Go down, go down," said the judge, angrily, and down he went. *' Gentlemen of the jury," said his lordship, ''this case will require very little of your attention — the only evidence against the prisoner at the bar which goes to fasten the crime upon him, is that which has been offered by the last witness, who evidently is ignorant of the nature and obligation of an oath. "With respect to the pig's toes which the prisoner stands charged with stealing " " A peg-top, my lord !" said Flappertrap, standing up, turning round, and speaking over the bench into the judge's ears. " Peg-top," said his lordship — "oh — ah — I see — very bad pen — it looks in my notes like pig's toes. Well — peg-top — of the peg-top which it is alleged he took from the pro- secutor, there has not been one syllable mentioned by the prosecutor himself ; nor do I see that the charge of taking the bacon is by any means proved. There is no point for me to direct your attention to, and you will say whether the pri- soner at the bar is guilty or not ; and a very trumpery case it is altogether, that I must admit." His lordship ceased, and the jury again laid their heads together; again the foreman gave the little " hem" of con- scious readiness for decision ; again did the clerk of the arraigns ask the important question, " How say ye, gentlemen, 444 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. is the prisoner at the bar guilty or not guilty?" " Guilty," said the foreman to the clerk of the arraigns; and " I told you so," said the sheriff to me. The next case was a short one. The prisoner a woman, the evidence clear and straightforward ; but no great interest was excited, because it was known that the case, for the trial of which in point of fact the learned judge had, for particular reasons, given his attendance, and which accounted for his lordship's presence at the close of the session, was very speedily to come on. This extraordinary combination of circumstances aftbrded me the most favourable opportunity of seeing all the sights of this half awful, half amusing scene, even to the discharge of the grand jury, who had been specially kept together for the purpose of finding or ignoring the bill preferred against the eminent culprit, who was evidently the great attraction of the day — having found which, they had but three more to decide upon. It was in the middle of the defence of the female prisoner, now " coram nobis,'' and just as she was making a beautiful but useless appeal to the " gentlemen of the jury," that a bustle in the court announced some coming event. " I am," said the w.,eeping prisoner, " an orphan — I lost my mother while I was yet a child — my father married again, and I was driven from what had been before a happy home — I have only to pray " Bang went a door — the scuffle of feet were heard — down went some benches — " Make way — make way ! " cried some of the officers. " Stand back, sir, stand back — the gentlemen of the grand jury are coming into court." To what the moaning prisoner at the bar might have limited her suppli- cations, I never had an opportunity of ascertaining, for the noise I have mentioned was succeeded by the appearance of eighteen or nineteen men, dressed up in something like the shabbiest dominoes I had seen at Lady Wolverhampton's masquerade, trimmed with very dirty fur — the leader, or foreman, carrying in his hand three bits of parchment. As A VISIT TO THE OLD BAILEY. 445 these gentlemen advanced to a space reserved for them in the centre of the court, the judge kept exchanging bows with them until they had all reached their destination — the foreman then delivered to the clerk of arraigns the three bits of parchment, who, putting his glasses on his nose, read — James Hickson, larceny — not found. — John Hogg, felony — true bill. — Mary Ann Hodges, felony — not found. The clerk then informed his lordship, partly by words, and partly by signs, the result of the dehberations of the gi'and jury, and the fact that there were no more bills to set before them. Having thus far proceeded, that officer inquired if the gentlemen of the grand jury had any presentment to make ; whereupon the foreman, one of the largest and dirtiest-looking persons imaginable, but whose countenance was indicative of love of power and command, and who appeared, at the moment he prepared himself to unburthen his gi'eat soul of a grievance, to feel as if the whole world were a football, made for him to play with, — " My lord," said he, drawing himself up into an attitude, " I am sure I need not, at this time of day, enter into any discussion with yom* lordship on the vast importance of the rights and privileges of Englishmen — of the original esta- blishment of the trial by jmy in this country. It would be worse than idle to occupy your valuable time and that of this court, by dilating upon the merits of our constitution — the chiefest of which has, I may say — been always — and I will say — wisely, considerately, and prudently held to be that peculiar mode of administering justice between man and man. But, my lord, if in civil cases the deliberation and decision of a jury are considered adequate safeguards to the rights and property of the people, the law, still more careful of their Hves and liberties, has interposed in criminal cases another and a higher tribunal, in the nature of a grand jury." [Hereabouts the judge, having bowed his head graciously, omitted to raise it again, having dropped into a sound slumber.] 44^ THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. " That tribunal of mediation in the first instance, is full of importance ; and whatever subsequent proceedings may be taken in a case, I do say, for myself and my fellows, that the decision upon ex-'parte evidence requires more circum- spection, more care, and more consideration than a verdict delivered after a case had been argued, and after witnesses have been heard on both sides. "If, my lord, your lordship concedes this point, I will merely say, generally, that when the mind is occupied by any important object, more especially in matters of juris- prudence, it is absolutely necessary that nothing, if possible, should occur to irritate or exacerbate the feelings — all should be calm, and at rest." Several people turned their eyes towards his lordship, and some smiled. "No incidental annoyance should be permitted to inter- pose itself ; nothing which could divert the judge from the point to which his intellectual faculties ought to be directed, and to which, my lord, under suitable circumstances, they would as they should naturally converge. But, my lord, we are finite beings— creatures of habit — subject to all the weaknesses of our nature, and liable to be acted upon by impulses almost unaccountable to ourselves. For myself and my fellows, I may, perhaps, hope for a favourable inter- pretation of oar intentions, and a lenient judgment of our conduct. We have, my lord, struggled hard to do our duty, and I hope we have done it serviceably and effectually — conscientiously and faithfully, I am sure we have. But, my lord, we do think it necessary to call your lordship's most serious attention to a fact which is embodied in the present- ment I hold in my hand. It is one which occurs to us to be of paramount importance, as far as the tempering of justice with mercy is involved : we have suffered grievously from the existence of the evil to which we point ; and al- though at this time of the year its effects are of course not so heavily felt as in the winter season, we have A VISIT TO THE OLD BAILEY. 447 considered it a duty we owe to this court, to our fellow- countrymen, and, we may say, to every man intimately or remotely connected with the administration of criminal justice, spread as they may be over the whole surface of the globe, to state that the chimney in the grand jury- room smokes so much and so continually, that it is im- possible to endure its effects calmly or patiently; and we therefore think it right to bring the matter thus formally before your lordship, and to desire that measures may be taken to abate a nuisance which, by its effects, is calculated to thwart, impede, and even distort the course of justice, and produce evils, the magnitude of which it is scarcely possible to imagine, and certainly not to express." A buzz of approbation from the gentlemen of the grand jury, who had been undergoing the process of smoke- drying for several days, created a stir in the court, in the midst of which the learned judge awoke ; and the lord mayor having whispered into his lordship's wig, his lord- ship bowed, and the clerk took the parchment. " Mr. Foreman, and gentlemen of the grand jury," said his lordship, " I am happy to say that your labours for the present are concluded ; there are no more bills for your con- sideration. Your presentment shall' be attended to, and I have to acknowledge your great zeal and attention, and to give you thanks for your services : — gentlemen, you are now discharged." The bows, and scufflings, and cries of " Make way there for the gentlemen of the grand jury, who are coming out of court," were resumed, and the orator and his peers retired, leaving the poor girl at the bar, wondering what had hap- pened, and what could be the reason that the worshipful community with the cat-skin tippets should have inter- posed themselves in the middle of her pathetic defence, in order to discuss the irritating characteristic of a smoky chimney. I admit that the pompous oratory of the foreman, the 448 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. ^^ mons parturiem'' — a splendid exhibition, and the ^^ ridi- culus mus,'" which eventually presented itself, were to me treats of no common order, and I regretted that Daly was not with me to participate with me in devouring the grave absurdities which we should have had before us. The trial of the girl was concluded, and I had no doubt as to her fate, now that I became acquainted with the prin- ciple, — she was acquitted, and never shall I forget the effect which this result of her trial produced upon her manners and features. The moment my friend Zig-zag had pronounced the words, " Not guilty," the pathetic expression which had characterised her countenance turned into the most humorous, and having winked her eye at the learned judge, who, poor man, had summed up decidedly against her, she proceeded to place her two hands extended in a right line from the tip of her nose, in the direction of his lordship's seat, after the fashion of what is called "taking a double sight," and then, making a noise which, if not indescribable by imitation, is certainly irreducible to writing, something between that which a hackney-coachman utters to encourage his tired horses, and that which a duck makes when it sees either a ditch or a drake in dry weather, she turned herself suddenly round with the least graceful pirouette I ever saw, leaving one of the hands which she had previously elevated for observation the last part of her person visible. A short case of pot- stealing followed — the prisoner was found guilty in ten minutes ; and then came the case. It was a curious and intricate one, and I felt quite assured, when I saw the prisoner, a genteel-looking young man, take his place under the inverted mirror, contrived with an almost dia- bolical ingenuity, so as to refract and reflect the light upon his face from the huge window at his back ; I said to my- self, having got both hardened and hungry during my short probation in court, "We shall not dine at six to-day." It might, perhaps, injure the feelings of the individual A VISIT TO THE OLD BAILEY. 449 himself, or, if he is dead, those of his friends and relations, to detail the particular case, the more especially as nothing could be clearer than that the crime laid to his charge was amply and satisfactorily — to everybody except himself — proved and substantiated. Just as the last witness for the defence was under cross- examination, I saw one of the lord mayor's servants put his powdered head in a little hole, and whisper something to the ordinary of Newgate, a remarkably pious-looking man, in full canonicals, with a bag-wig, which, to use Foote's phraseology, speaking of Dr. Simony (by whom, as of course everybody knows, he meant the unfortunate Dr. Dodd), " looked as white as a curd, and as close as a cauliflower." It struck me that either the pretty wanton who had just been acquitted desired some serious conversation with the clergyman, or that the last convicted pot-stealer felt some qualms of con- science, and had sent for spiritual assistance ; but no,— my friend Mr. Sheriff Bucklesbury relieved my mind from any such apprehensions, by inviting me to a whisper, with an expression of countenance which convinced me that it was nothing of so serious a character which had suddenly sum- moned the reverend divine from the court. " Good news ! " said the sheriff; " land is in sight." " "What ? " said I, not exactly catching the idea. ** Dinner is not far distant," said the sheriff, ''the ordi- nary has been sent for to dress the salad." Well, thought I, that ever a man so dressed, and so ad- dressed, as the reverend divine opposite, should quit the seat of justice tempered with mercy, to mix oil and vinegar in a salad-bowl, does seem strange. It was evident to me, from the manner in which my friend spoke of the chaplain's secular vocations, that his respect for the table was infinitely greater than that which he entertained for the cloth, and never from that day have I seen painted over suburban inns, " an ordi- nary on Sundays at two o'clock," without thinking of the reverend functionary so styled in the Old Bailey, 29 450 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. and the probable duties he would be called upon to perform. The evidence having terminated, and the clock pointing to fifteen minutes after six, his lordship began summing up. I have already mentioned that his lordship was deaf, and the strange blunders which I noticed in his early charges will per- haps serve to inform the reader of these papers, whoever he may be, that his lordship's handwriting was utterly unintelli- gible, even to himself ; indeed, so completely illegible were his notes, that the only resource his lordship had, if ever they were called for upon motions for new trials (which perhaps I need not here add, was in his lordship's case by no means an unfrequent occurrence), was to send them to be printed — printers being proverbially the best decypherers in the world. His lordship's charge — barring the inevitable blunders and hesitations, rendered absolutely necessary by this almost hopeless illegibility— was exceedingly minute and elaborated. He recapitulated the evidence of the three first witnesses verbatim, and continued thus of the fourth : — " Now, gentlemen of the jury, here is Amos Hardy — Handy — no, not Handy — Harding — Amos Harding tells you, that on Tuesday — no, not Tuesday — I see — Friday the 14th — that is, the 24th — he was going along Liverpool — no — Liquorpond Street — near Gug's Island — Guy's — no — Gray's Inn Lane — yes — going along Liquorpond Street, Gray's Inn Lane — at about eight o'clock in the morning — and saw the fire break out of Mr. Stephenson's windows. This, gentlemen of the jury, is a very remarkable fact — and in connection with some other circumstances to which we shall presently come, is quite worthy of your par- ticular attention — you perceive that he swears to eight o'clock in the morning." "Evening, my lord," said Mr. Flappertrap, standing up and whispering his lordship audibly. *' Evening is it?" said his lordship — *' ay, so it is — A VISIT TO THE OLD BAILEY. 45 1 evening — no matter — lie swears to the time at which he saw the fire break out — and hence will naturally arise in your minds a chain of circumstances which it will be my duty to endeavour to unravel. In the first place " Hereabouts one of the servants of the court put his head in at one of the doors at the back of the bench, and whispered the lord mayor much after the same manner in which Mr, Flappertrap had just before whispered the judge. His lord- ship immediately pulled out his watch — then looked at the clock — and then wrote a few words upon a slip of paper, and laid that slip of paper upon his lordship's notes. The judge took up the memorandum, and tore it in pieces — as I thought indignantly. "You know what that means?" said my friend, the sherifi". '*No," said I. ** Dinner's waiting," replied my friend — an announcement which startled me, as it seemed impossible but that it would be kept waiting for some time. This little scene, however, was followed by the arrival of the recorder, who, after bowing to the lord mayor, took his seat on the bench. " I told you so," said the sheriflf ; " Mr. Recorder is come to try the remaining cases " A cry of *' Silence — pray, silence," indicated that Mr. Sheriff Bucklesbury and I were speaking somewhat too loudly. *'The circumstances to which I allude," continued his lordship, after he had torn up the note, '* are in fact so clearly detailed in the evidence you have heard, that to men of intel- ligence and experience, like those I am now addi'essing, any attempt at explanation on my part would be superfluous. The case appears a very clear one — you have to decide upon the value of the evidence, and return your verdict accordingly, giving the prisoner the benefit of any doubts you may enter- tain on the question." Never was I more surprised than at finding the promised explanations and comparisons of fact and testimony so sud- 452 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. denly cut short, after the manner of " the story of the Bear and Fiddle," and I could not help, while the clerk of the arraigns was putting his accustomed question to the jury, noticing the circumstance to my worshipful friend. "To be sure," said the sheriff, " don't you see — the time is up — he smells the marrow puddings." The jury, emulating the expedition of the judge, in one minute, according to the zig-zag system, acquitted the prisoner ; whereupon, his lordship rising to depart, addressed that individual in words to this effect : — "Prisoner at the bar, you have been tried by an able, patient, and conscientious jury of your countrymen, who, convinced like myself of the enormity of your crime, and of the wicked intentions by which you were actuated in its commission, have returned the only verdict which they could justly and honestly return — they have well discharged their duty. And although it is not my province in this place to pronounce the awful sentence of the law upon you, I shall take care " Here Mr. Flappertrap whispered his lordship that the jury had acquitted the prisoner. " By-and-by, sir," said his lordship, angry at being interrupted — "I shall take care, young man, that an example shall be made in your person of the " The lord mayor here ventured to suggest that the " young man " was found not guilty. "Very well, my lord — presently, presently," said his lordship — " even-handedness of justice ; and that an enor- mous offender of your class may not be suffered to escape the just vengeance of the laws which he has outraged." Here Mr. Flappertrap whipped a bit of paper over the desk of the bench into the very place which the announce- ment of dinner had so recently occupied. His lordship looked at it, and exclaimed, unconsciously — " Oh ! ah ! — umph ! " and then continued — "It is true that upon the present occasion the mercy and forbearance of the jury THE TOOTHPICK-MAKERS' COMPANY. 453 have been exercised in a signal manner ; and I trust their benevolence and indulgence will not be thrown away upon you. I maintain my own opinion still — yet they have decided, and I have only to receive that decision — you are discharged, sir, and may go about your business ; but I can tell you this, young man, you have had a very narrow escape indeed." There was not a man in court who did not tacitly admit the truth and justice of at least the concluding passage of his lordship's address to the acquitted prisoner; nor was that individual himself the least astonished of his lordship's auditors. The incident, however, was worthy of its place in the day's proceedings, as producing a climax to the judicial operations of the learned lord, and leaving upon the minds of all his majesty's liege subjects then and there present, a conviction, that however classical it may be to picture Justice bhnd, it is not, as a matter of convenience and utility, at all desirable that she should also be deaf. THE TOOTHPICK-MAKERS' COMPANY. The day was extremely fine ; the windows of the rooms opening to the water, the house smelHng of fried fish and mud, and the little boys with naked legs screaming, " please to make a scramble," we having attained this enviable position in the building which looked like a race-stand, by treading a labyrinth of the dirtiest alleys and stable-yards that ever pauper or pony inhabited. It was, however, a joyous scene; and Hull, who was good enough to be my Mentor on the occasion, pooh-poohed the waiters into allowing us to look at the dinner-room, all laid out for the company ; more than a hundred were expected, partitions had been pulled down, holes cut out here, and props poked in there, to afford the required accommodation ; in short, everything gave token of a goodly day. 454 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. Hull, who was at home everywhere, and everywhere popular, appeared, as soon as he arrived, to supersede everybody else. "My dear friend," said he, '*I happen to know these people — the Toothpick Makers are one of the most ancient corporations of the city. My dear sir, the Mercers were incorporated in the 17th of Richard the Second — I have a tract that will prove it — 1393 they were embodied — I know the clerk of the company at this day — so do you." " No, I do not," said I. *'Pooh, pooh," said Hull, ^' don't tell me — Jemmy Hobbs — everybody knows Jemmy Hobbs — married Miss Ball of Blackheath — splendid fellow. Jemmy. Well ! these Mercers are a fine company, so are the Grocers, — St. Anthony is their patron. My dear sir, I am forced to know all these ; things. Then there are the Drapers, and the Fishmongers — pooh, pooh — Doctors, and Proctors, and Princes of the Blood, are all fishmongers — Walworth was a fishmonger — eh — my dear friend, you should see their paintings — splendid things — Spiridiona Roma — fish in all seasons. Then there are the Goldsmiths and the Skinners, and the Merchant Tailors — Linen Armourers — eh — queer fellows, some of them ; but I do assure you — " (this was said in a whisper,) '' you will see some men here to-day worth seeing." '' I suppose," said I, "the Toothpick Makers' Company was founded by Curius Dentatus — whence comes the French cure- dent'' " Pooh, pooh," said Hull, " no such thing — much older than Curius Dentatus — ^I happen to know — founded in the reign of Edward the Fifth, my dear friend." About this period the company began to arrive " thicker and faster," and certainly I had never seen any one of them before, which gave, at least, an air of novelty to the scene. •Generally speaking, they ran fat, and wore white waistcoats, such as that to which I had likened the bow window of 77, St. James's Street : they looked all very hot, and puffed a THE TOOTHPICK-MAKERS' COMPANY. 455 good deal ; — however, they kept coming and coming, until the drawing-room, as a sort of thing like a bad conservatory, well placed to the south-west, was called, was so full that I began to be as hot as my companions. Six o'clock arrived, but no dinner ; the master of the house (who, from wearing a similar sort of uniform waistcoat, I took to be a Toothpick Maker,) came in and spoke to some of the fattest persons of the community, evidently intimating that the banquet was ready — nevertheless no move was made, because it appeared that Mr. Hicks had not arrived. "You had better," said one of the more important persons in the room, " let men be placed ready to see when Mr. Hicks arrives at the end of the lane by the stables." " Yes, sir," was the answer ; and from that time I heard nothing but Hicks and Mr. Hicks talked of, until I was driven by extreme curiosity to inquire of my omniscient friend Hull, who Mr. Hicks was. " Hicks !" exclaimed Hull — " why, my dear friend, you know Mr. Hicks — the great Mr, Hicks— everybody knows Hicks." *' I for one," said I, "do not — " and it turned out that at the moment I was not likely to be enlightened, for, just as Hull was about to give me an account of this important personage, a hubbub and bustle near the door, which speedily pervaded the whole assembly, proclaimed his arrival. In a moment the buzz of conversation ceased, a sort of circle was made round Mr. Hicks, and several of the most distinguished members of the community hurried up to take their places near him. Hull dragged me towards this sanctum, this magic ring, and, with a look of the greatest importance, assured me, that it was right that I should immediately be presented to Mr. Hicks. The presentation accordingly took place, and no sooner was it over, than one of the grandees came up to me, and, in a confidential whisper, informed me that my place at dinner was on the left of Mr. Hicks, as being a friend of the master. I concluded that the arrange- 456 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. ment was attributable to Hull, who, I found, was to be my neighbour on the left, and, although I could have dispensed with the honour of so close an approximation to the hero of the day, I rejoiced mightily that I was placed so near my friend Hull, who would be as useful to me upon such an occasion as is a catalogue of the pictures at an exhibition anywhere else. In a very short time dinner was announced, and Mr. Hicks, having the master on his right hand, led the way to the large room upstairs, round the whole of which the table ran, exhibiting, as I entered the apartment, a lengthened line of tin covers, looking like a collection of cuirasses, glittering on the board ; — the heat was tremendous, and the air re- dolent with fried flounders. A few minutes sufficed to arrange us, grace was said by the chaplain, and we fell to. As in all similar cases, the exercise of eating and drinking superseded conversation or remark, and I, who did but little in that way myself, and having therefore an opportunity of seeing the modus operandi at my leisure, became suddenly enlightened as to the extent to which such pleasures may be carried. Of each and every dish did each and every man partake, from turtle to white-bait, both inclusive ; by com- parison with the individuals now before and around me, my friend Bucklesbury, whom I had a week before considered a prodigy in the way of feeding, sank into insignificance ; to the elaborated course of fish succeeded a host of fowls, cutlets, hashes, stews, and other things of that nature, accompanied by sundry haunches of venison, and succeeded again by ducks innumerable, and peas immeasurable. The destruction of all these articles was, however, efi'ected with ease in less than an hour and a half, during which the attentions paid to Mr. Hicks were most marked and grati- fying : if the sun shone in upon the tip of his nose, the waiters were ordered to pull down the blinds before him ; if the gentlest breeze wantoned about the back of his neck, the master of the house was called to shut the window behind THE TOOTHPICK-MAKERS' COMPANY. 457 him ; for hxm the chairman culled the choicest bits ; to lihn the landlord tendered his most particular wines : every eye was fixed on Im actions, every ear seemed open to Im words ; he had, however, as yet spoken Httle, but had '' eaten the more." All sublunary pleasures must have an end, so had this dinner ; and a call of silence, and the thu^nping of the pre- sident's hammer upon the table, announced that some profes- sional gentlemen were about to sing 'Non nobis, Domine. They began — we all standing up — I with the sun full in my eyes, setting over London in all its glory. The voices har- monised beautifully ; but fine and melodious as they were, I felt that the canon, or whatever it is called, very much resembled a fire which, smouldering and smouldering in the low notes, kept perpetually bursting out in a fresh place, when one fancied it out. As far as the religious feeling of the thing goes, it was misplaced ; and as for its duration, it seemed to be more like three graces than one. This over, the wine began to pass, and " beards to wag ; " Hicks grew condescending, and the day began to mend ; the King's health was given — song, God save the Kng — chorus by the company, all standing — The Queen — The Prince of Wales — then the Duke of York and the Army — the Duke of Clarence and the Navy — the Memory of St. Ursula, the mother of all Toothpick Makers, with an appropriate glee, received with loud cheers. The Master then rose and begged to propose a toast. No sooner had he uttered these words, than the whole room rang with applause, the wine-glasses danced hornpipes upon the table to the music of the forks and spoons, and the noise was tremendous. *'I see," continued the worthy president, ''that you anticipate my intentions ; gentlemen, there could be no doubt upon your minds what the toast, would be" (more cheering). " I will not occupy your time, nor hinder you from the gratification of your feelings upon this topic by dilating upon the merits of the illustrious individual whose 458 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. health I am about to propose ; whether we regard him in pubHc Hfe, guiding by his zeal and energy the community which he fosters and protects by his influence, or view him in private society, the ornament of the circle of which he is the centre, our gratitude and admiration are equally excited. Gentlemen, I will not trespass upon your time, or wound, what I know to be the delicacy of his feelings, by recapitu- lating the deeds which gild his name, and which have, during the last year, added so much to his honour and reputation, and to the welfare and comfort of his, colleagues and associ- ates : — I beg to propose the health of Benjamin Spooner Hicks, Esq., — a name dear to every Englishman — with all the honours." Then came a storm of applause unparalleled, at least in my experience. A band of music, which had hitherto been silent, struck up " See the Conquering Hero comes," and nine times nine cheers were given in a style the most over- whelming. During this storm of rapture, I seized the opportunity of once again asking Hull who Hicks was, and what he had done, to deserve and receive all these extra- ordinary marks of approbation and applause, but all I could extract from my rubicund friend was, '' Pooh, pooh, — don't tell me — you know Hicks — my dear friend, everybody knows Hicks — there isn't a man better known in the universe." There was no time amidst the din of glory to assure him once more that I had by no possible accident ever heard his name before, so I resumed my seat, as the object of our enthusiasm quitted his, to return thanks. His up -rising was hailed by the company with an almost Persic adoration :-^silence at length having been obtained, he spake — " Sir, and Gentlemen,— there are certain periods in our existence which entirely defy description- — this, as far as I am concerned, is one of them. I have been placed in many trying situations, and I think I may say, without fear of contradiction, I have behaved as became a man (loud cheers) ; I am aware that some of my efforts for the benefit of my THE TOOTIiriCK-MAKERS' COMPANY. 459 fellow-creatures have been crowned with success (hear, hear, hear) ; and I am thankful to Providence that I am possessed of the means to do good to them as is not so well off as my- self (loud cheers). I say, sir, it would be the height of baseness for a man who has been born with a silver spoon in his mouth, not now and then to take it out, and feed them as has not been so fortunate (great cheering). My political feelings and principles I need not touch upon (immense cheering) ; they are known to all the world (tumultuous applause) ; I shall steadily maintain the course I have hereto- fore followed, and observe the straight line, neither swerving to the right, nor to the left, as little awed by the frown of power as flattered by its smiles (hear, hear, hear). " Gentlemen, I sincerely thank you for the honour you have done me, and beg to drink all your good healths in return." The shoutings were here renewed, but to an extent far beyond the former exhibition. Mr. Hicks sat down, but still the thunder continued ; and scarcely had it subsided, even for a moment, when Mr. Hicks, upon his legs again, caused a relapse which nearly drove me mad. Hicks waved his hand, and it was a calm — you might have heard a pin drop — he had to propose the health of the worshipful chairman, the Master of the Toothpick Makers' Company. After expressing in almost the same words that Hicks had just before used, his conviction that this was the ** proudest moment of his life," the chairman continued to observe, that if anything could possibly add to the gratification of having his health diimk by such an assembly, it was the fact of its having been proposed by such an individual. He then pro- ceeded to say, that he was quite sure in that society, composed as it was of men of all parties, all professions, and all politics, he need not expatiate upon the merits of the honour- able gentleman to whom he had previously alluded — they were known all over the world. He, like Hicks, returned 460 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. the most heartfelt acknowledgments for the favour he had received at their hands, and sat down amidst very loud acclamations. Still I was left in ignorance of all the great deeds which " gilt " my friend Hicks's "humble name ; " and I found, being so near him, that it was quite impossible to get enlight- enment. At length, however, I was destined to hear some- thing of the character of his achievements ; for shortly after the worshipful master had sat down, and just before the healths of the wardens of the Toothpicks, or some such functionaries, were about to be toasted, a tall, thin, pale man — a rare specimen in the Museum — rose and said, as nearly as I can recollect, what follows : — " Sir, I am sure you will forgive me for the intrusion I now venture upon ; but I cannot permit this opportunity to pass without expressing, on my own part and on the behalf of several of my worthy neighbours, a sense of our obligation — and, indeed, the sense of obligation under which, like us, the rest of civilised Europe, are laid, by the manly, courageous, zealous, and indefatigable exertions of the honourable gentle- man on the right of the chair, to whom you have so justly referred (loud cheers). It may, perhaps, be thought super- fluous in me to enlarge upon a subject so familiar to your hearts ; but I cannot avoid mentioning a trait which at once displays the greatness of that honourable gentleman's mind, the prowess of his courage, and his immutable determination to do justice to all men" — (still louder cheers followed this point). "I think," continued the pale man, "I need not speak more distinctly upon the subject to which I allude." (Here shouts rent the room, and glasses began to dance again.) "But, lest there should be any gentleman present, who might by accident be unacquainted with the circumstance to which I refer" — (cries of "no, no! impossible! hear, hear! order, order!") "I say, if — for it may be so — if such a thing should be, I think it best at once to explain, THE TOOTHPICK-MAKERS' COMPANY. 46 1 that the conduct to which I now specifically refer, but which I may truly say is of a piece with every action of his honoured life, is that which our great benefactor — and friend — if he will allow me so to call him" — (Hicks nodded, and said "hear!") — ''observed upon the occasion of removing the lamp from the corner of Black Lion Street to the head of Spittle Court." (Immense cheering.) " Sir, I do not wish to go into the question of the eleven yards of pavement from the Swan Inn to the bootmaker's" — (roars of laughter burst from part of the company, as the evident severity of this remark upon the conduct of some other eminent individual, murmurs from others, "hear, hear!" from many, and "oh, oh ! " from a few !) "I strictly confine myself to the lamp ; and I do say, without fear of contradiction, that the benefit conferred on society by that change, and the manly way in which it was efi'ected, without truckling to the higher powers, or compromising the character and dignity of the Company, has shed immortal lustre upon the name and fame of the honourable gentleman to whom I have alluded. (Immense cheers.) I have to apologize for this efiusion" — ("no, no! bravo") "but it is involuntary. I have for several months laboured under emotions of no ordinary nature ; I have now unburdened my mind, and have done my duty to myself, my honourable friend, and my country." The ogre sat down amidst the loudest possible applause, and more shouts were sent forth in honour of Hicks. The healths of the Wardens of the Company were then drunk — tliey returned thanks : — then came alternately songs and glees by the professional gentlemen : — then they drank Mrs. Hicks and family ; — and then — for be it observed, the fervour of the applause increased as the night grew older — the uproar was tremendous. Nine times nine seemed infinitely too small a complement of cheers to compliment the Hickses, and I had become dead tired of the whole afi'air, when Mr. Hicks — the great Mr. Hicks — rose to return thanks for tluit honour. He talked of connubial fehcity, and spoke of 462 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. the peculiar merits and charms of his daughters with all the eloquence of a tuft-hunting mother. Having done which, he fell to moralising upon the lateness of the hour, and the necessity of recollecting that Greenwich was nearly five miles from town ; that, happy as we were, prudence pointed to a period at which such enchantments should terminate. "Gentlemen," said he, "in conclusion, I have obtained permission to propose one parting bumper. I believe we are all agreed that the constitution of England is a blessing envied by every country in the world — (loud cheers). We have drank the king, the queen, the royal family, the army, the navy, the ministers, and indeed everything that we could be well supposed to drink constitutionally. Gentlemen, the place in which we are now assembled suggests to me the best, the most loyal, the most appropriate, and the most constitutional toast possible as a conclusion. I give it you with feelings of mingled loyalty and piety — I propose to you, ' The Crown and Sceptre,' and may they never be separated." This unqualified piece of nonsense, delivered seriously by Hicks (rather overcome) to about fifty or sixty survivors of the original dinner, nearly killed me with laughing : not so the company — at it they went — cheered like mad — up-stand- ing nine times nine — rattle went the forks — jingle and smash went the glasses — and, in the midst of the uproar. Hicks rose, the Master did the same^ and, of course, we followed the example. Then came all the worry and confusion about carriages — the little alley was crowded with people seeking for con- veyances — it had just begun to rain. Hull looked at me, and inquired what vehicle I had ? — I had none — I was annihilated — when, judge my delight and surprise at finding the illustrious Hicks himself at my side, offering Hull and myself places in his coach. I could scarcely believe it; however, so it was, and an advantage was derivable from it for which I was scarcely prepared. THE TOOTIIPICK-MAKERS' COMPANY. 46^ '' Come down with me,'' said Hicks, ** directly : — this way — they are preparing a deputation to light me through the alley to the carriage — I want to avoid it. My boy tells me it is all ready — if we can but get round the corner, we shall be off without being observed — they will do these things, but incog, for me — I hate state and finery — eh, Mr. Hull ?" " Pooh, pooh ! " said Hull, '' you need no new honours — to be sure — what a day — eh — never was any thing so splendid ! " And so Hicks's boy, or, as Hull called him, "b'y>" pre- ceding, we made our escape into the patriot's carriage ; and never did I more rejoice in my life. The quiet of the calm which aeronauts experience when they rise in a few minutes from the tumultuous shoutings of the populace into the dead stillness of the vast expanse above, cannot be more surprising than was the tranquillity of the coach compared with the boisterousness of the company. Mr. Hicks carried us as far as he could, without incon- veniencing himself, and set us down at the corner of a small street in Cheapside, having, just before we parted, mentioned to me that if at any time I should be in need of any article in the hardware line, I should find every thing he had at wholesale prices and of the very best quality. Hull and I walked westward, but whether it arose from the length of the way or its width, I cannot exactly state, I was uncommonly tired when I reached home. When I fell asleep, which I did as soon as I got into bed, I dreamed of the extraordinary infatuation which possesses men in all classes of life to believe themselves eminently important, and their affairs seriously interesting to all the rest of the world ; and became perfectly satisfied that every sphere and circle of society possesses its Hicks, and that my friend the hardwareman was not one bit a greater fool than his neighbours. 464 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. THE MAN-SEBV ANT'S LETTEE.* Murrel Green, Thursday. ** Dear Sarah, — I should not wonder if you wasn't a little surprised at neither seeing nor hearing from me before this, as I calculate you also will be at reading the date of this hepistol. The truth is, that the Captain, whose stay in England will be very short, says to me, just as I was coming off to you the night after I wrote, ' Lazenby,' says he, ' where do you go when you leave me ? ' So I contumaciously expressed myself in these identical words, 'Why, sir,' says I in a masculine manner, 'I am going to Blissford.' Whereupon he observed to me that he supposed I had got what the French calls a cliair ah me there, and that I was likely to settle myself in the neighbourhood — so then I expostulated with him and mentioned my notion of setting up in the general line, and he laughed and said that he hoped to do that himself some day, and was quite factious upon the toepick, which after his manner the night before, rather constaminated me, as Goldfinch says in Ben Jonson's * Beggars' Opera ; ' whereupon he says, looking at me in his droll way, '■ Tom,' says he, ' I shan't be long in London ; hadn't you better go up with me and Mrs. M. when we are married, and stop with us till we go ? ' — for, mind you, he is going to take her out with him to share the toils of the champaign ; and this was the very first of his directly insinuating that the thing was all settled : so I hesitates a little ; and thinking of you, my dear Sarah, I says, says I, * Sir, will you give me an hour to preponderate ? ' — * To be sure I will,' says the Captain. Well, I begins to think ; and I calculated I might make a few pounds by stopping and paying his bills, and managing his luggage, and all that, before he went. So I saj^s to * From " Gurney Married." THE MAN-SERVANTS LETTER. 465 Susan — she as I wrote about in my last — ' If you was me^' says I, ' what would you do in this conundrum ? ' — ' Why,' says Susan, * if you ask me my advice, if I was you I'd stay and go with the Captain.' So I considers a bit more ; and I says to her, * I don't much like missus as is to be.' — * Nor I,' said Susan, 'although I have knowed her longer than you ; but for all tliaty I'm going as her maid ; only to stay till they leave England for good.' — 'Why,' says I, having heard her opinion of the future Mrs. Merman, and how Mrs. Gibson had gone away entirely excavated by the levity of her mistresse's behaviour, ' I had no notion you would do such a thing.' "So Susan says to me, 'Lazenby,' says she — she calls me Lazenby, for we are quite like brother and sister now — * my old missus wishes it ; and she hints something about remembering me hereafter ; and so what is it ? ' says Susan ; ' in these days, folks don't stick at trifles ; and sure if Miss Millicent is good enough to be Captain Merman's wife, she is good enough to be my missus.' That seemed remarkably judicial to my comprension ; and so, thinking what was good for Susan could not be interogatory to me, up I goes to the Captain, and agrees to stay with him, as I tell you, till he bids a Jew to his native land, at which perriod, dear Sarah, I hope to return to you, like the good bee who, as Pope says in * The Deserted Village' — * Behaves in bee-hives as behoves him,' and bring you an aflfectionate art, and I should say upwards of seven pounds fourteen shillings in hard cash by way of hunney. Susan says she should like to know you, she is so much indisposed towards you by my inscription of you ; and I should like you to be friends, which perhaps may be some of these days, if she comes back to that part of the country. She would be uncommon nice company for both of us, she is so candied and filantropical, and it is a great thing for a married couple to have such a friend. 30 466 THEODORE HOOICS HUMOROUS WORKS. " I don't know whether you have ever been in this quarter of the world, although, as I don't think you could well have got to Blissford by any other road from London, pr'aps you have ; it is very wild and romantic, with a bit of a green before the door, upon which there are geese, ducks, enseterar ; and Susan and I am going to take a walk, and we shall carry this letter ourselves to Artley Row, where is the Post-office, because, as I have promised the Captain not to say anything one way or the other, I thought if he saw a letter redressed to the Passonage, he might inspect something ; so Susan and I agreed it would be better to go out in the dusk as if miscellaneously, and slip it in unbeknown to any body, while master and missus is en- joying their teat a teat after dinner. We go on to the meterpolis in the morning, and Susan and I go outside in the rumble-tumble, for Miss Pennefather has lent us the charriot, which I suppose I shall have to bring back, which, as I cannot do without horses, will be a very pretty incursion. I don't in course know how long the Captain will be before he goes, so do not fret. I have got your wach, which does not keep tim well, but I never look at it without thinking of you. Susan says it wants to have new hands put to it, and I shall give it to a watchmaker in town to riggle at it spontaneously on my arrival. The Captain and his mate seem very happy, which also makes me think of you, Sarah dear ; she certainly is no beauty to my taste ; she is a good deal in the Ottomy line, and I should say not easily pleased ; but in course as yet it all goes un- common comfortable ; for, as O'Keefe says in his comical farce of * Love for Love : ' — To fools a curse, to those a lasting boon, What wisely spends the hunuey moon. "I hope poor Miss Fanny don't take on about the loss of master ; I'm sure if I was she, and knew that he left me for the sake of Malooney's money, I should care no more THE MAN-SERVANTS LETTER. 467 about him than nothing at all — true love loves for itself a loan — don't it, dear Sarah ? Oh, Sarah ! Susan and I had some hot sassages and mashed potatoes for dinner to-day, and I did so think of you, and I said so ; and Susan says to me, says she, ' Does your Sarah love sassages ?' so I said, says I, * Yes, where's the girl of taste as doesn't ?' — and so she says again, * Then I wish she was here' — and we both laughed like bogies. So tlxat shows we don't forget you. "As to Miss Fanny, there is one thing — which, if you have an opportunity upon the sly, you may incoherently hint — which may be p'rhaps a considerable revelation of her despondency, if she still cares for master ; which is this — the officer which is to have the recruiting party in place of him, as Rattan told me before I came away, is taller and better-looking than master, and quite the gentleman: p'raps, if you tell Miss Fanny that, it will controvert her regret, and make her easy — I know enough of the seek, Sarah, to know that it is with females as it is with fighters — to use the words of Young in his ' Abelard and Eloisa,' — One do^v^l, t'other come on. "And so perhaps Miss Fanny may make up her mind to the gentleman which will reheve my master — I am sure I hope she may, for she is I am sure constipated to make any man happy in that way. Well, Sarah dear, I must now say good-bye — or else, Tim flies so fast, Susan and I may be mist. I haven't room to tell you all about Master's wed- ding, which was all done with as little ceremony as possible, and as Susan says there was not a minnit to be lost, but I will explain all particulars when I come back to you, which will not be long first. So squeeze my keeping you in ex- pence for these few days, for I was so busy I, could not write before, but Susan says she is sure you will forgive me, and so I think you will. " I say, dear Sarah, in exclusion, I hope that you have not 468 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. been speaking to William Waggle, the baker's young youth, because, as I am absent, it might give some grounds for calomel — Mrs. Hodgson and those two Spinkeses her sisters is always a-watching — I'm not a bit jellies myself — no, I scorn the ' green hided malster,' as Morton says in his * New Way to pay old Debts' — but I know the world — I know what the old Tabbies say, and how they skirtinize every individil thing which relates to us — as I says to Susan — the eyes of the hole world is on us two — ^you and me — and therefore, Sarah dear, mind what you do, and do not encourage any of them to walk with you in an evening — specially Bill, inasmuch as the whiteness of his jacket would make the round-counter the more evident to the Hargooses of the place. "A jew Sarah — the next you will hear from me will be in London — most probably at the Whiteoss Cellar in Pickadilly, or the Golden Cross, Charing Cross, which the Captain thinks the quietest spots to fix upon — rely upon my righting you the minute I have time — I told Rattan that I was going back to Blissford, so he will have had no message for you ; besides, I don't want you to have any miliary connexions during my abstinence — therefore please to remember me in your art, as I do you in mine, and if you will, do me the fever to pay Mrs. Jukes three and ninepence which I owe her for washing my things, which I will repay you when we meet — best love, in which Susan, though she does not know you, joins with equal sincerity — take care cf yourself, dear Sarah, and mind about the baker. "Yours always true till death, " Thomas Lazenby." • THE BIBLIOMANIAC. "Here," said he, drawing from one of his pockets a very small dirty black-letter book, " this is all I shall do to-day — ABSENCE OF MIND. 469 my pursuit, you know — eh — old books — rare books — I don't care what I give so as I can secure them — this is a tract of 1486 — seventeen pages originally — five only wanting — two damaged — got it for seventy-two pounds ten shillings — Caxton — only one other copy extant — that in the British Museum." " Seventy-two pounds for tlmtl " said I. "To be sure," replied Hull ; " why, my dear sir, it is not worth m\j while to come out of the city unless I spend seventy or eighty pounds in the morning — I cannot afford the time for less." " And what is it about ? " said I, innocently. "Why, I do not happen to know that,'' said Hull ; "it is an essay, I believe, to prove that Edward the Fourth never had the toothache ; but it is, as you see, in Latin, and I don't read Latin." " Then why buy it ? " said I. " Buy ! " exclaimed he, looking at me through his glass with an expression of astonishment — " I buy thousands of books ! — pooh, pooh ! millions, my dear sir, in the course of a year, but I never think of reading them — my dear friend, I have no time to read." I confess I did not exactly comprehend the character of the bibliomania, which appeared to engross my friend, nor the particular gratification which the purchase of the un- readable works seemed to afi'ord him. But he only curled up his mouth, as much as to say that I was a dunce, and that there was a sort of dehght — felt in common with magpies, I presume — of picking up objects and hiding them away in dark holes and corners. — Gilbert Gurney, ABSENCE OF mND. Absence of mind may be defined to be a slowness of mind, in speaking or in action. The absent man is one who, when 470 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. he is reckoning up a bill, and hath collected the particulars, will ask a by-stander what the amount is. When he is engaged in a law-suit, and the day of trial comes, he forgets it, and goes into the country. He goes to the theatre to see the play, and is left behind, asleep upon the benches. He takes any article, and puts it away securely; then he begins to look for it, and is never able to find it. If a man comes and tells him of the death of a friend, and asks him to the funeral, he says, with a melancholy countenance, and tears in his eyes, "What uncommon good luck!" When he receives money, he calls men to witness the transaction ; when he pays a debt, he does not. He quarrels with his servant for not bringing him cucumbers in winter; and forces his children to run and wrestle for their health, till they are ready to die of fatigue. When in the country, he dresses his dinner of herbs, he salts them until they are unfit to eat. And if anybody ask him, ** How many dead have been carried through the sacred gate, to be buried ? " he answers, " I wish to my heart you and I had half as many." A DISTINGUISHED TRAVELLER. Lady Ceamly was, or rather had been during her hus- band's lifetime, the authoress of a solitary work, upon the memory of which she still lived and revelled. She had published two volumes of travels. In some of the countries which she described she really had been, but in others certainly not ; but wherever the scene was laid. Lady Cramly and Seraphine were at the top of the tree. Princes were proud to hand them to their carriage — crowned heads opened their palaces to receive them — Lady Cramly received medals, orders, and decorations, which never before had been conferred upon females. Seraphine — with a pug nose, DALY'S PRACTICAL JOKES. 47 1 low forehead, and high shoulders — had been painted by all the first artists, and modelled by all the first sculptors on the Continent. The book of travels had gone through eleven editions — Mr. Liberal, the eminent publisher, had made six thousand pounds by it, and would have made more, only that he had foolishly insisted, out of respect to the character of her particular friend the Pope, upon expunging the authoress's account of her having waltzed with his Holiness at a masquerade during the carnival, to which he went only to have the pleasure of being her partner. Upon this circumstance, and her having been made a Burgher (or rather Burgheress) at Bruges (the only instance of the honour ever having been bestowed upon a lady), she not unfrequently descanted, and so often had she told the histories amongst others, that all who heard them, including Seraphine herself, felt certain, that if nobody else believed them. Lady Cramly did. It was of Lady Cramly the wag said that her authority ought never to be doubted, for she must always be re-lied upon. Nevertheless, her poetical prose was very amusing, and upon Waller's principle (we presume) she was certainly an extremely eloquent and entertaining companion. DALY'S PRACTICAL JOKES.* Among the group was a man whose name was Daly — who, of all the people accounted sane and permitted to range the world keeperless, I hold to have been the most decidedly mad. His conversation was full of droll conceits, mixed Avith a considerable degree of superior talent, and the strongest evidence of general acquirements and accomplish- ments. He appeared to be on terms of familiar intimacy with all the members of our little community, and, by his * From " Gilbert Gurney." 472 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. observations and anecdotes, equally well known to persons of much higher consideration ; but his description of himself to me, shortly after our introduction, savoured so very strongly of insanity — peculiar in its character, I admit — that I almost repented having, previously to hearing his autobiography, con- sented to send on my horses to Teddington, in order to accompany him to that village after the departure of the rest of the party to London, in a boat in which he proposed to row himself up to Hampton Court, where, it appeared, he had, a few days before, fixed his temporary residence. "I hope," said he, "that we shall be better acquainted. I daresay you think me an odd fish — I know I am one. My father, who is no more, was a most respectable man in his way — a sugar-baker in St. Mary Axe. I was destined to follow in his wake and succeed to the business ; however, I cut the treacle tubs at an early age — I saw no fun in firkins, and could not manage conviviality in canvas sleeves. D'ye ever read the London Gazette? " *' Sometimes," said I. "In that interesting paper," said Daly, "I used to look twice a week to see the price of Muscovados. One hapless Saturday I saw my father's name along with the crush : the afi'air was done — settled ; dad went through the usual cere- mony, and came out of Guildhall as white as one of his own superfine lumps. Refreshed by his ruin, my exemplary parent soon afterwards bought a house in Berkeley Square, stood a contest for a county, and died rather richer than he started." " And you, I suppose, his heir ? " said I. "He had not much to leave," replied my new friend. *' He ran it rather fine towards the close of his career. My two sisters got their fortunes paid, but I came ofi" with what we technically called the scrapings — four hundred a year, sir, is the whole of my income ; all my personal property I carry under my hat. Timber I have none — save my walking- stick ; and as to land, except the mould in three geranium DALY'S PRACTICAL JOKES. 473 pots, which stand in my sitting-room window, I haven't an inch. Still, Mr. Gurney, although I have not a ducat in my purse, * Yet I'm in love, and pleased with ruin.' " '* I envy your philosophy and spirits," said I. " You are right," replied Daly ; *' fun is to me what ale was to Boniface ; I sleep upon fun — I drink for fun — I talk for fun — I live for fun ; hence my addiction to our dear funny friends of to-day. They just suit me — they do nothing but laugh ; they laugh with one when present, and at one when absent — but to me that is the fun." I immediately thought of the " funny " observations upon myself, which I had overheard earlier in the day, pretty well assured that the voice of my new laughter-loving acquaintance had not been the least loud in the debate. " I admit myself fond of practical joking," continued my friend. " I don't mean in one's own particular circle — there it is dangerous ; people are not always in the same humour — what they think uncommonly good fun one day, they will seriously resent as an insult the next. There's no judging with certainty a man's temper of mind, and it is not easy to ascertain how much melted butter a gentleman would like to have poured into his coat-pocket without kicking ; I avoid that sort of thing, but on the great scale I confess my addic- tion. Coming here yesterday evening, I stopped the chaise at the corner of Egham, to turn the finger-post at the corner half round — sent all the people boimd for London to Chertsey, all the people destined for Egham to Windsor, and all the people destined for Windsor to London — that's my way." "Probably," said I, *' but not theirs. And do you often indulge yourself in these freaks ? " ''Perpetually," replied Daly; "I've whipped off every knocker in Sloane-street three nights running — a hundred and ninety-four, exclusive of shops; and if ever the project of hghting London with smoke should be brought to bear, I 474 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. flatter myself you will hear of my darkening the whole parish of Pancras, by grinding a gimblet through a gas-pipe." '' These frolics must cost something," said I. "Occasionally," said my friend; "but what of that? Every man has his pursuits — I have mine." " I should think," replied I, "if you perform such tricks often, your pursuits must be innumerable." " What ! " exclaimed Daly ; " pursuits after me, you mean ? I'm obHged to you for that — I see we shall be better acquainted — of that I am now quite certain. One thing I must tell you of myself, because, although there is something equivocal in the outset of the adventure, I set it all to rights afterwards, and will prove to you that in fact all I did was done for fun — pure fun." I foresaw an awkward discovery of some sort by the pre- fatory deprecation of criticism'; however, I listened to my slight acquaintance with complacency and confidence. " You must know," said Daly, " that I once had a brother, — long since dead, — and you must know that he was my elder brother, and he went abroad"; I remained at home, and was my father's darling — he fancied nothing on earth was like me. I was the wittiest, if not the wisest fellow breathing ; and I have seen my respectable parent shake his fat sides with laughing at my jokes and antics, till the tears ran down his rosy cheeks. 'Nevertheless I liad a fault, — I cannot distinctly aver that I have even yet overcome it, — I was extravagant — extravagant in everything — extravagant in mirth — extravagant in love — extravagant in money-matters. After my respected parent's death, I lodged at an upholsterer's — excellent man ! — occupied his first floor — but paid him no rent ; on the contrary, borrowed money of him." "Indeed! " said I, "I " " Don't frown, Mr. Gurney," interrupted Daly, "you will find that it comes all right in the end. I'm as honest as a Parsee — don't be alarmed — I was then much younger than I am now ; and, although the world unjustly, ungenerously. DALY'S PRACTICAL JOKES. 47 S and invariably judge a man's character in after life by the foibles of his youth, don't be prejudiced, but hear me. I borrowed money of him — I consulted him upon all occasions — he was delighted with me, I with hwi — reciprocity of feeling, you know, and all that sort of thing. My up- holsterer was my cabinet-mmisier — who better ? who fitter to be consulted when any new measure was on the tapis ? So things went on for a year, at the end of which, I owed him fourteen hundred and seventy-two pounds, thirteen shillings, and ninepence halfpenny, without the interest." *' That was no joke, Mr. Daly," said I. "No; but what followed was," continued my equivocal friend. " My cabinet-minister applied for funds — I had none on hand. I therefore quitted London, and retired to the blest shades of Holyrood — not that this sort of constraint was at all necessary, for my friend, the sofa-maker, never troubled himself to inquire after me." " Why, then, did you go ? " said I. ** Why, you see I thought he might," replied Daly, ''After I had hovered about Scotland, se€n the sights, visited the Highlands, shot some grouse, — and a pretty job I made of that, umph ! — I returned to Edinburgh, and began to be anxious to get back to London. I therefore took the resolu- tion of killing myself forthwith." " Horrible ! " said I. " Most horrible ! " replied he ; "nevertheless, I put that resolve into immediate execution." " How ? " I inquired. "By transmitting an account of my death to the metro- politan newspapers in these words — ' Died, at Antigua, on the 15th March, in the 28th year of his age, Robert Fergus - son Daly, Esq., son of the late Thomas Fergusson Daly, Esq., of St. Mary Axe, London.' " " What earthly purpose could that have answered ?" " You shall hear," said Daly. " About ten days after this announcement, having ' incurred ' for a suit of mourning, I 476 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. proceeded to my friend the upholsterer. Dear man, I recol- lect his little white bald head peering over his desk in the counting-house as well as if it were but yesterday — in I went — made a bow — up jumped my creditor. " ' Ah, Mr. Daly,' cried he, ' then what I have read in the newspaper is not true ! — you are alive and merry.' *' Upon which I, looking as grave as a judge, said with a long-drawn sigh, ' Sir, I see you have fallen into the common mistake.' *' * Mistake, sir,' said he^ ' no mistake in the world ! Why, I read in the newspapers that you were dead. How those fellows do fib ! ' "*In this instance,' I replied, 'they are as true as the tides to the moon — or the needle to the Pole.' " * Why,' cried he, 'you are not dead, for here you are ! ' " ' So I am,' said I ; ' but I am not the Mr. Daly who died in Antigua.' " ' That's very clear,' said the old cabinet-maker ; ' for, as I said before, here you are.' " ' Still,' said I, ' sir,' — I thought the sir good — ' you do not understand : I am the brother — the twin brother of poor Bob Daly who lived here with you, and who has died, as I unfortunately know, deep in your debt.' " ' What ! ' exclaimed the upholsterer, ' you his brother ! Impossible — ridiculous ! Why, I should know you from a thousand by that little knob on your nose.' " ' That may be, sir,' said I ; ' but I was born with a knob on my nose as well as my brother. I assure you he is in his grave at Antigua.' " This astounded him, and he was proceeding to ring the bell in order to call up the housemaid, who had made herself particularly familiar with my knob, in order to identify me, when I pacified him by fresh assurances that he was mistaken, and that I was come to settle the account due from my late brother to himself." DALY'S PRACTICAL JOKES. 477 " This," said I, *' was all very funny, no doubt; l)ut cui bono?'' " Nous verrons,'' said Daly. *' The moment I talked of paying, all doubt ended ; he felt convinced that it could not be me ; for he was quite of opinion that at that time I had no notion of muddling away my income in paying bills. So he listened, looking all the while at my knob — you see the thing I mean, Mr. Gurney," said Daly, pointing to a pimple ; " till at last I begged to see his account — he produced it — I sighed — so did he. " * Sir,' said he, * this is — dear me, is it possible two people should be so much alike ? — your brother's last account before he went.' *' I could not help saying, ' He is gone to his last account now, sir.' If it had been to save my life, I could never check my fun. " ' Lord, how like Mr. Eobert that is ! ' said the upholsterer. *' * What is the amount ?' said I. "'Fourteen hundred and seventy-two pounds, thirteen shillings, and ninepence halfpenny. As for interest, Mr. Daly, I don't want it.' " ' Sir,' said I, drawing out of my pocket a handkerchief whiter than'unsunned snow, * I honour and reverence you. I can now account for the high respect and veneration with which my poor brother Bob used to speak of you and write about you. You shall judge what he has done ; — he has died worth three thousand five hundred pounds ; the claims upon him are numerous and heavy ; in his letter, the last I ever received from him, he directs me to make an equitable division of his property.' ** * Poor fellow ! ' said the cabinet-maker. "* An innocent young creature, with three children,' said I, * first claims his care.' *' 'Dear me ! ' said the man. 'Rely upon it I won't in- terfere there. No, no. I gave him credit further than he asked it. I won't visit his sins upon those who, perhaps, are helpless, and certainly blameless in this affair.' 4/8 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. " There was something so kind in this, that I was near betraying myself; but I should have spoiled the joke. " ' After those,' continued I, ' you come next ; and, having divided his assets fairly, he decided that he could, acting conscientiously towards others, alBford to pay you five shillings in the pound upon the amount due ; and, accordingly, I have brought you to-day a sum calculated at that rate — that is to say, three hundred and sixty-eight pounds, thirteen shillings and sixpence, for I don't descend to fractions.' " ' Well, now,' said the honest old man, ' I love and honour him for that. He needn't have paid me a farthing. I knew not where he was ; — and to think of me on his death-bed ! — that, sir, shows good principle ; and as you are so like him in everything else, — and how like him you are, to be sure ! — I hope and trust — don't be angry, sir — that you will follow the example he has set you in the last act of his life.' " ^ Then,' said I, ' you accept the proposal ? ' " ' Most happily, sir,' said he. 'I tell you I honour his feelings. I had given the whole thing up as lost : I thought he was a hard-hearted and a practised taker-in of credulous men ' " ' Sir,' said I, bowing, 'you little knew my poor brother Bob if you thought that. Here, sir, is the money ; all I ask, as a satisfaction to the interesting young creature who sur- vives him, is a receipt in full of all demands as against him.' " ' In course, Mr. Daly,' said the upholsterer, taking the notes I proffered. ' Why, la ! ' exclaimed he, ' I declare you have got the very ring on, that I have seen a hundred times, with a leetel patent key twisted into the inside, that he used to wear.' " ' Yes,' said I, rather taken aback at this ; for with all my cunning I had forgotten to disring my finger for the occasion. * Yes, it was the only thing he left me ; and I wear it for his sake.' *' ' And how well it fits ! ' said the cabinet-maker. *' ' Often the case with twins,' said I. * There are two DALY'S PRACTICAL JOIvES. 479 hundred, three hundred, and fifty, a ten pound note, eight guineas, and five shillings and sixpence ; count it yourself.' " ' And now,' said he, ' I am to give you a receipt in full ; to be sure I will. But I do wish you would do me one favour, sir,' continued he ; ' I wish you would let my house- maid Becky see you ; she was very fond of your poor brother, and very attentive to him, and I should — I know it is taking a great liberty — I should like her to see you.' *' * I should be too happy,' said I, trembling at the appre- hension that the girl, who was more than usually civil to me while I lived in the lodgings, should make her appearance, convinced that she would not be deceived as to the identity, or believe in the story of two brothers having the same knobs on their noses ; * but don't you think it might shock the poor young woman ? ' " ' No, no, sir,' said he, looking over a black leather book for a proper stamp ; ' Becky isn't frightened at trifles ; shall I ring?' "I could not help myself, and Becky was summoned. Luckily, however, she had just stepped out to get something, and satisfied, by the way in which the other servant conveyed the intelligence to her master, that it was not very probable she would soon return, I screwed my courage to the sticking- place, and remained until he had written, signed, and deli- vered my entire acquittance from my whole debt, in consider- ation of the receipt of three hundred and sixty-eight pounds thirteen shillings and sixpence ; having secured which, I made my bow and left my upholsterer, not ill pleased with the ■ dventure of the day." " Yes, sir," said I, after I had heard this narrative, ** but I see no joke in all this : it appears to me that a person less favourably disposed than myself would find a very difi'erent name for such a proceeding." " So would anybody," said my valuable friend, "if it were not for the sequel. A short time after, I had the means to set all right, and lost no time in doing so ; I confessed my ruse to 480 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. my worthy friend, made him laugh heartily at his own cre- dulity, paid him the difference, and gave Becky a guinea or two." I honestly confess, that although my new friend polished off the end of his story with a few retributive facts, the ac- count of his adventure with the cabinet-maker did not very much elevate him in my opinion, and I began again to repent of -having hastily engaged myself as a passenger in his boat, so appropriately, as he himself said, called a " funny." The only consolation I could afford myself arose from the consideration that our connection would not be of long duration — that it need never be renewed — that few people, if any, would see me in my way up the river — and that, from all I had heard of him from himself, he did not appear likely to die a watery death, so that my personal safety was rather guaranteed than not, by my having placed myself under his command in our aquatic excursion. I had never seen such a man before, nor have I ever seen such a one since : from the time he sat down to dinner till all was done, his tongue never ceased — he was au-fait at every- thing — played billiards better than anybody I ever saw — jumped higher — imitated birds and beasts, including men, women, and children, more correctly — caught more fish in an hour than all the rest of the punters did in three — sang all sorts of songs — made speeches — and told stories of himself which would have made my poor mother's hair stand on end. One of his practical jokes, played off upon one of the ladies of our party, I must set down. She had never been at Eich- mond before, or if she had, knew none of the little peculiari- ties attached to it. He desired the waiter to bring some ''maids of honour " — those cheesecakes for which the place has been time out of mind so celebrated. The lady stared and then laughed ; Daly saw her surprise, and elicited all he wanted — her innocent question of, " What do you mean by maids of honour ? " " Dear me," said he, ''don't you know that this is so courtly a place, and so completely under the influence of DALY'S PRACTICAL JOKES. 48 1 state etiquette, that everything in Richmond is called after the functionaries of the palace ? What are called cheesecakes elsewhere, are here called maids of honour ; a capon is a lord- chamberlain ; a goose, a lord-steward ; a roast pig is a master of the horse ; a pair of ducks, grooms of the bedchamber ; and a gooseberry tart, a gentleman usher of the black rod ; and so on." The unsophisticated lady was taken in ; and with all the confidence which Daly's gravity inspired, when she actually saw the maids of honour make their appearance in the shape of cheesecakes, convulsed the whole party, by turning to the waiter and desiring him, in a sweet but decided tone, to bring her a gentleman usher of the black rod, if they had one in the house quite cold. These were the sort of plaisanteries (mauvaises, if you will) in which this most extraordinary person indulged. In the sequel, I had occasion to see his versatile powers more profitably engaged, and which led me to reflect somewhat more seriously upon the adventure of the upholsterer and the receipt in full of all demands. The dinner was rather inconveniently despatched, in order to suit the convenience of the engaged performers, and by seven o'clock my new friend and myself were left to commence our voyage up the river. His spirits appeared even higher than they had been before, and I felt myself, when consigned to his care, something in the same situation as Mr. O'Rourke on the eagle's back : whither I was to be carried by his in- fluence, or how to be dashed down when he got tired of me, I could not clearly comprehend ; nor were my apprehension of consequences in any satisfactory degree diminished when my perilous companion commenced a violent wordy attack upon a very respectable round-bodied gentleman who was sitting squeezed into the stern-sheets of a skifi", floating most agi-eeably to himself adown the stream, the gentle south-west breeze giving the sail of his boat a shape very similar to that of his equally well-filled white dimity waistcoat. 31 482 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. "Hollo!" cried my friend Daly; " I say, yon sir, what are you doing in that boat ?" The suburban Josh maintained a dignified silence. "I say, you sir," continued the undaunted joker, ''what are you doing there ? you have no business in that boat, and you know it ! " A slight yaw of the skiff into the wind's eye was the only proof of the stout navigator's agitation. Still Daly was inexorable, and he again called to the un- happy mariner to get out of the boat. '' I tell you, my fat friend," cried he, " you have no business in that boat ! " Flesh and blood could not endure this reiterated declaration. The ire of the Cockney was roused. " No business in this boat, sir ! " cried he, " what d'ye mean ?" " I mean what I say," said Daly ; " you have no business in it, and I'll prove it." *' I think, sir, you will prove no such thing," said the navigator, whose progress through the water was none of the quickest ; " perhaps you don't know, sir, that this is my own pleasure-boat ? " "That's it," said Daly, " now you have it — no man can have any business in a pleasure-hoa,i. Good-day, sir. That's all." I confess I was a good deal shocked at this mode of ter- minating the colloquy. However, no ill consequences arose ; the fat man went his way, and so did we, and in a few minutes more embarked in Daly's " pleasure "-boat, in which I felt, according to his dictum, that I had no business what- ever. Richmond, which seems, every time one sees it, as if it were dressed to look lovely for that particular day, was smiling in all its radiance and gaiety ; the velvet meadows of Twick- enham, studded with noble trees, looked cooler and greener than ever ; and my friend began to perform that incompre- hensibly agreeable exercise of pulling up against the stream, when all at once a thought seemed to flash across his mind, DALY'S PRACTICAL JOKES. 483 and a look of regret sadden his countenance ; the expression was too distinct to be mistaken or disregarded. "What," said I, "what is the matter? have you left anything behind ?" "No," said he, laughing; "but if I had thought of it, we would not have come away so soon from Richmond ; and I would have shown you some sport in Cockney-catching." " What do you mean ?" asked innocent I. "A trick specially my own," replied Daly, "to be played with the greatest success between the grounds of Sion and Eew Gardens. Thus : — In the dusk of the evening — I prescribe scientifically — take a strong line, fix him to a peg in the bank of Sion, carry him across the river, and fix him to another peg in the bank of Kew ; strain him tight, and then retire to watch the efi'ect. Tide running down, presently comes a Cockney couple, the man flirting and pulling, the lady sitting and smiling ; when they reach the chosen spot, the tight line catches the Cockney Corydon on the back of his head, and tumbles him forward at the feet of his Phyllis ; in a twinkling, the same efi'ect is produced on the lady, with this single simple difi'erence, that the cord catches her under the chin, and tumbles her backwards. In the confusion of the moment, tide ebbing fast, the happy pair are swept down the stream, and having, after the lapse of a few minutes, set themselves to rights again, begin to wonder what has hap- pened, and of course never think of trying back against tide to ascertain the cause ; which, however, if they did, would assist them little, for the moment you have caught your Cockneys, you cast ofi" the line from the peg, and the cause of the mischief disappears from the sight — probatum est.'' " That seems rather a serious joke," said I. "Umph!" replied Daly; "perhaps you would prefer keeping the line, but for my part I am not particular." This he certainly need not have mentioned. Every moment added fresh evidenca. to the fearful fact ; I was yet unprepared for what was to come. 484 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. ''I wish," said my friend, as he phed the oar, "that we had stayed a Httle longer at Kichmond. I think one more bottle of claret, tete-a-tete^ would have been vastly agreeable." ''I should not have disliked it myself," said I. '* Is it impossible to repair the mischief? — ^is there no agreeable retreat on these shores, in which we may solace ourselves for our imprudence?" '' No," said my friend ; " the Eel-pie House is a wretched hole — the inns at Twickenham are all inland — there is nothing marine short of the Toy, and we are to part long before I reach that much-loved spot." " Then," said I, "we must make up our minds to the evil, and bear it as well as we can." At this moment we were under the bank of a beautiful garden, upon which opened a spacious bow-windowed dinner- room, flanked by an extensive conservatory. Within the circle of the window was placed a table, whereon stood bottles and decanters, rising, as it were, from amidst a cornucopia of th-e choicest fruits. Around this table were seated a highly-respectable family ; a portly gentleman, whose cheeks and chin gave ample evidence that such refec- tions were "his custom always in the afternoon," and near him a lady, evidently his better, if not his larger half — on either side bloomed two young creatures, unquestionably the daughters of the well-fed pair. Our appearance, although the lawn was some twenty or thirty yards in depth, had caught their attention, as thek respective forms and figures had attracted our notice. "There," said I, "this scene is exhibited to us by our evil genius, to tantalize us mth the prospect we may not enjoy." " You are wrong," said Daly, " quite wrong — be quiet — beautiful girls, cool wine, and agreeable society, are worth making a dash for. Those girls will we become acquainted with — that society will we join — those wines will we imbibe." " Do you know them ?" said I. DALY'S PRACTICAL JOKES. 485 *' Never saw them by any chance in my life," said Daly ; ** but here goes — the thing is settled — arranged — done. Have you a pocket-book and a pencil about you ? if you have, lend them to me ; say nothing, and I will manage the rest. Assent to all I assert, and stay in the boat till we are invited to partake of the collation." *' But, my dear sir," said I. *' Mum," said Daly, at the same moment pulling the head of his funny ' chock block,' as the sailors say, into the bank of the garden, upon whose velvet surface he jumped with the activity of an opera dancer. I sat in amazement, doubting what he was about to do, and what I should do myself. The first thing I saw was my friend pacing in measured steps along the front of the terrace. He then afi'ected to wiite down something in my book — then he stopped — raised his hand to his eyes, as if. to make an horizon in order to obtain a level — then noted something more — and then began to pace the ground afresh. ** Bring the staff out of the boat," said he to me, with an air of command, which was so extremely well assumed, that I scarcely knew whether he were in joke or in earnest. I obeyed, and landed with the staff. Without any further ceremony, he stuck the pole into the lawn — a measure which, as he whispered to me, while in the act of taking it, he felt assured would bring things to a crisis. Sure enough, after a certain ringing of the dinner-room bell, which we heard, and which conveyed to Daly's mind a conviction that he had created a sensation, a butler, hien poudre, in a blue coat, white waistcoat, and black et ceteras, followed at a properly -graduated distance by a strapping footman, in a blue-and- scarlet livery, were seen approaching. I thought the next step would be our sudden and uncere- monious expulsion from the Eden he had trespassed upon — not so my friend, who continued pacing, and measuring, and "jotting down," until the minister for the home department was at his elbow. 486 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. " I beg your pardon, gentlemen," said the butler, " but — my master's compliments, begs to know what your pleasure here is — it is not usual for strangers to land — and " *' Exactly like the man in the boat, sir," said Daly, " only quite the reverse. I am not here for pleasure — business calls me here — duty, sir — duty. Here, Mr. Higgins, carry the staff to that stump." These words were addressed to me, and I, completely in- fatuated — fascinated, like the bird by the rattle -snake — did as I was told, not daring to rebel, lest a denoument might ensue, which would eclater in our being jointly and severally kicked into the river, in which case, from the very little, or rather the very great deal, which I had seen of my com- panion during our short acquaintance, I felt perfectly certain that I should sink, and he would swim ; and that, while I was floundering in all the agonies of ignominy and disgrace, he would be capering and flourishing with the two pretty girls in the dining-room, laying all the blame of the afiair upon my most incompetent shoulders, and cracking his jokes upon the tyro who had so blunderingly botched the business. The butler, who found that he made very little impression upon Daly, seemed inclined to come at me, which, as I had not the slightest idea of the game my companion was playing, nor the faintest notion what he expected to be the result, alarmed me considerably. Daly was too much on the alert, however, to permit me to be cross-questioned. "Sir," said he to the butler, "present my compliments to your master, and make my humble apologies for the liberty I am obliged to take. I am the acting deputy-as- sistant surveyor of the Grand Junction Paddington Canal Company, and an Act of Parliament is just about to be applied for, to construct and cut a branch from the basin at Brentford into the river Thames, near this point. A great deal depends upon my decision as to the line it will take, and I should not have ventured to land without apprising your master of my business, but that no time is to be lost, DALY'S PRACTICAL JOKES. 487 iuasmucli as my plan for the cut must be ready for the com- mittee to-morrow." " Cut a canal through my master's grounds, sir ?" said the butler. " Right thi'ough," said Daly, poking the fore-finger of his right hand very nearly into the butler's left eye ; " and what I am now so particular about is, I am most anxious that the line should not take down the corner of the conservatory." "Dear me, sir," said the man, "my mistress would go mad at the very thought of such a thing. Will yon just wait, su', while I speak to Sir Timothy ?" "Certainly," said he; "and assure him — assure Sir Timothy — that I will do all I can to preserve the elevation of his mansion ; for, as it all depends upon my opinion, I shall, of course, be extremely scrupulous how I decide." " I am sure, sir," said the astounded and mollified butler, " Sir Timothy will be greatly obliged to you. I'll be back du'ectly, sir." Saying which, the butler returned to the house, and giving a significant look at the strapping footman, with the grenadier shoulders and balustrade legs, which seemed to imply that he need not kick us into the water till he had consulted his master, the fellow followed him, which aftbrded me an opportunity of asking my volatile friend what the deuce he was at. " Leave me alone," said he, — " ' Women and wine compare so well, They run in a perfect parallel.' I am the company's acting deputy-assistant surveyor, and having surveyed this company, I mean to be made a partici- pator in those good things of which they seem to be in full possession. Yes, Mr. Gurney, as King Arthur says — * It is our royal will and pleasure to be drunk ; And this, our friend, shall be as drunk as we.' 488 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. Who knows but we may make an agreeable and permanent acquaintance with this interesting family ?" *' But," said I, " you don't even know their name." "You are in error," replied Daly; ''the man's name is- known to me." " Then perhaps you are known to 7m?z," said I. " That is a non sequitur^' said Daly ; " I knew nothing of him before I landed here — now I am au-fait — my friend in the powder and sticking-plasters calls his master Sir Timothy. There are hundreds of Sir Timothies ; but what do I, upon hearing this little distinctive appellation, but glance my eye to the livery-button of the lacquey — and what do I see there ? a serpent issuing from and piercing a garb or gerb. The crest is unique — ergo, my new acquaint- ance is neither more nor less than Sir Timothy Dod." " Why," said I, "you are, like myself, a bit of a herald, too ! " "Exactly," replied Daly; "in my composition are * Arts with arms contending ;* I am a bit of every thing ; but somehow all my accomplish- ments are so jumbled, and each is so minute in itself, that they are patched together in my mind like the squares of a harlequin's jacket, only to make their master ridiculous. Here, however, comes Sir Timothy himself. You are my clerk — keep the staff and the joke up, and you shall be repaid with some of Tim's very best Lafitte, or I'm an ass." " Good- day, sir," said Sir Timothy, somewhat warmed -svith the intelligence given him by the butler, and the exertion of trotting him across his lawn. "My servant tells me that you are here for the purpose of deciding upon the line of some new branch of the Paddington Canal ; — it is very extraordinary I never should have heard of it ! " "You ought, Sir Timothy," said Daly, "to have been apprised of it. Do you understand much of ground-plans, Sir Timothy?" DALY'S PRACTICAL JOKES. 489 " No, sir ; very little indeed," replied the worthy knight. *' So much the better," I heard Daly distinctly say, for he could not resist an impulse. " If you will just cast your eye over this paper, I will endeavour to explain, sir. A, there you see ; — A is your house. Sir Timothy ; B is the conserva- toiy ; C is the river, — that perhaps you will think strange ? " " No, sir," said Sir Timothy, "not at all." " Then, sir, D, E, F, and G are the points, from which I take the direct line from the bridge at Brentford ; and thus you perceive, by continuing that Hue to the corner of TwicV enham churchyard, where the embouchure is to be " " The what, sir ?" said Su- Timothy. " The mouth, sir, — the entrance to the new branch, the canal ^vill cHp your conservatory diagonally to the extent of about eighteen feet six inches, and leave it deprived of its original dimensions somewhat in the shape of a cocked-hat box. You see — so, sir, — H, I, K." *'I give you my honour, sir," said Sir Timothy, " such a thing would drive Lady Dod mad ! " "I admit it would be a dreadful cut," said Daly; ''and then the noise of the bargemen and the barge-horses close imder the windows, — clanking chains, — horrible oaths, — disgusting language " " My daughters' bed-rooms are at that end of the house," said Sir Timothy. "What am I to do, sir? What interest can I make ? Are the magistrates — are the " "No, sir," said Daly, with a face of the most imperturb- able gravity ; "all that would be perfectly unavailing. The decision as to the line rests entirely with me ; and, as I said to Mr. Higgins, my assistant, — Higgins," continued he, calling me to him, " let me present you to Sir Timothy Dod, — I said to Higgins, what a pity it would be to disturb the Dods, — what a cut at their comforts; — it goes against my heart to send in the plan, but the line is so decidedly the shortest. 'Ah, sir ! ' says Higgins to me, with a deep sigh, I assure you, — * but do consider the conservatory.'" 490 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS ''I'm sure, sir," said Sir Timothy, extending his hand to me, "I feel very grateful for your kindness. It would indeed be a sad thing ; and must the decision be made so soon ?" *' Immediately, sir," said Daly ; " but we are keeping you out here in the open air without your hat. I am afraid, sir, you may catch cold." "Oh no, sir," said Sir Timothy; "don't mind that. Perhaps, gentlemen, you will do me the kindness to walk in. The servants shall take care of your boat. I wdll introduce you to Lady Dod, she must try what her influence can efi'ect, and I am sure you have the disposition to serve us. Here,. Philip, , James, George, some of you, come and make this boat fast, and stay down by her while the gentlemen stop. Let me show you the way, gentlemen." I never shall forget the look which Daly gave me as we followed the respectable knight to his lady and family, — the triumphant chuckle of his countenance, the daring laugh in his eyes ; while I, who only saw in the success of the design the beginning of a signal defeat, scarce knew whether I was walking on my head or my heels : resistance or remonstrance was equally vain under the circumstances, and in a few minutes we found ourselves in the presence of Lady Dod and her daughters, breathing an atmosphere redolent with the fumes of the departed dinner, and the still remaining fruit and wine. I never was so abashed in my life. My friend, on the contrary, seemed perfectly at home ; and, placing himself beside her ladyship, made a sign for me to occupy a vacant seat between the young ladies. Never did I see two more lovely girls. The courtesy of Sir Timothy, the sweetness of my lady, and the constrained fun of the girls, were, I admit, when I recovered my composure in some degree, a good treat ; while Daly, "helping himself and passing the bottle" to me, kept up a fire of conversation, which, if the senior Dods had known anything of the world, would have convinced them in ten minutes that the part of acting deputy-assistant measm'er DALY'S PRACTICAL JOKES. 49 1 was an assumed one. It certainly was a sight to see the respectable lady of the house pleading the cause of her conservatory, and piling the choicest fruits upon the plate of the arbiter of her destinies, while Fanny's civilities to me were displayed with equal zeal and far superior grace. I would have given the world to have owned the truth ; and I am sure, if we had done so, we should not have been the worse received ; for, independently of the excellence of the joke and the impudence of the proceeding, the relief which would have been afibrded to the minds of the whole Doddery would have ensured us their eternal favour and afiection. Daly having finished the claret, and taken a last "stopper over all" (as the sailors say) of sherry, gave me the signal for departure. I, too, gladly took the hint, and drew back my chair. Fanny looked as if she thought we were in a hurry ; however, it was getting late, and my master had some distance to pull. We accordingly rose and prepared to take leave. I bowed my adieu to the girls, and shook hands with Fanny, at which I saw Augusta toss back her head and throw up her sparkling eyes, as much as to say, " Well, Fanny," meaning exactly the reverse. I bowed low to my Lady Dod, and Sir Timothy attended us to our boat. I stepped in ; Daly was at the bow ; Sir Timothy desired the man who had been left in charge of the funny to go away ; and then I saw, with doubt and trepidation, the respectable dupe of Daly's consummate impudence shake him by the hand with a peculiarity of manner which par- ticularly attracted my attention. I saw him in the execution of this manoeuvre press upon his palm a bank-note, with a flourish in the corner like the top of a raspberry tartlet. I never was more agitated. If Daly took this bribe for saving the comer of the conservatory, it was an act of swindling. The strawberries, grapes, and claret, were fit matters of joke, although I admit that it was carrying the joke a little too far; but money, — if he took that, I was re- solved to avow the whole afi'air to Sir Timothy, show up my 492 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. companion, and leave him to the fate he deserved. Judge my mingled delight and horror when I heard him say, — " Sir ! what I have done in your house or in your society to induce you to believe me capable of taking a bribe to com- promise my duty, I really don't know. Mr. Higgins, I call you to witness that this person has had the insolence to put a fifty-pound bank-note into my hand. Witness, too, the man-- ner in which I throw it back to him." Here he suited the. word to the action. "Learn, old gentleman," continued he, with an anger so well feigned that I almost believed him in earnest, " that neither fifty nor fifty thousand pounds will warp an honest man from the duty he owes to his employers ; and so, sir, good-night, and rely upon it, your conservatory goes, — rely upon it, Sir Timothy ; — it comes in the right line, and the short line, and down it goes — and I feel it incumbent on me not only to tell the history cf your petty bribe, but to prove my unimpeachable integrity by running the canal right under your dining-room windows ; and so, sir, good-night." Saying which he jumped into the boat, and, pulling away manfully, left his unfortunate victim in all the horrors of defeated corruption, and the certainty of the destruction of his most favourite object, for the preservation of which he had actually crammed his betrayers, and committed himself to a perfect stranger. THE BALLET. Not being at this present writing in love with any opera dancer, we can see with " eyes unprejudiced," that the per- formances to which w^e allude (ballets) are in the highest possible degree objectionable as referring to taste, and dis- gusting as relating to decency. First, then, as to taste — nobody upon earth, we should think, can be bold enough to assert that the horizontal THE BALLET. 493 elevation of the female leg, and the rapid tmsting of the body — the subsequent attitude and expansion of the arms — are graceful — we mean merely as to dancing. No man certainly, except those whose intellects and appetites are more debased than those of men in general, can feel either amusement or gratification in such an exhibition. Woman is so charming, so fascinating, so winning, and so ruHng by the attractions which properly belong to her — by her delicacy — her gentleness — and her modesty — that we honestly confess, whenever we see a lovely girl doing that which degrades her, which must lower her even in her own estimation, we feel a pang of regret, and lament to find conduct applauded to the very echo which reduces the beautiful creatures before us to a mere animal in a state of exhibition. But if there really be men who take delight in the *' lonici motus " of the Italian Opera, surely our own women should be spared the sight of such indeUcacies : nothing which the Roman satirist mentions as tending to destroy the delicate feelings of the female sex could possibly be worse than those which week after week may be seen in the Haymarket. We have strenuously attacked, for its unnatural in- decency, the custom of dressing actresses in men's attire upon the English stage, but a lady in small clothes is better on a public theatre than a lady with no clothes at all. We are quite ready to admit, without in the smallest degree lamenting, the superiority of foreigners over the natives of England in the art and mystery of cutting capers, and if the ladies and gentlemen annually imported jumped as high as the volteurs in Potier's " Danaides " at the Porte St. Martin, neither would our envy nor our grief be excited ; but we certainly do eye with mistrust and jealousy the avidity with which '' foreign manners," " foreign customs," and " foreign morality," are received into our dear and much- loved country. 494 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. While custom sanctions the nightly commission of waltzing in our best society, it perhaps is only matter of consolation to the matrons who permit their daughters to be operated upon in the mysteries of that dance, to see that women can be found to commit grosser indelicacies even on a public stage. A correspondent of the Spectator, in the 67th Number, Vol. I., describes accurately under another name the mechanical part of the foreign waltz of these days, and says : — "I suppose this diversion was first invented to keep up a good understanding between young men and women ; but I am sure, had you been here, you would have seen great matter for speculation." We say so now ; but the waltz has proved a bad speculation to the very dowagers who allow it to be com- mitted ; for, as can be proved by reference to fashionable parish registers, there have been fewer marriages in good society by one half, annually upon the average, since the introduction of this irritating indecency into England. If, therefore, the public dances at the King's Theatre are looked at, merely as authorities for the conduct of private balls, the matter is still worse ; but we have too high an opinion of our countrywomen in general to think this of them, and we are sure that we are speaking the sentiment of the most amiable and the most charming when we raise the voice of rebuke against the dress and deportment of the Italian Corps de Ballet. One advocate we are certain to have in the person of an old gentlewoman next to whom we sat last Saturday se'nnight, who ■ clearly had never been at the Opera during the whole course of her long and doubtlessly respectable life, till that very evening. When the ballet commenced, she appeared delighted ; but when one of the principal females began to elevate her leg beyond the horizontal, she began evidently to fidget, and make a sort of see-saw motion with her head and body, in THE BALLET. 495 piire agitation ; at every lofty jump I heard her ejaculate a little "Oh!" at a somewhat lengthened 'pirouette she ex- claimed, sotte voce, " Ah !" with a sigh ; but at length, when a tremendous whirl had divested the greater part of the per- former's figure of drapery — the band ceasing at the moment to give time to the twirl — the poor old lady screamed out, " Oh, la !" — which was heard all over the house, and caused a shout of laughter at the expense of a poor, sober-minded EngHshwoman, whose nerves had not been screwed up to a sufficiently fashionable pitch to witness what she saw was a perfect, but thought must have been an accidental exposure, of more of a woman's person than is usually given to the gaze of the million. Whitlings and whipsters, dandies, demireps, and dancers may rank us with our fat friend in the tabby silk, to whom we have just referred, if they please ; but we will always run the risk of being counted unfashionable rather than immoral. So few people moving in the world take the trouble of thinking for themselves, that it is necessary to open their eyes to their own improprieties ; the natural answer to a question, "How can you sufier your daughters to witness such exhibitions ?" is, " Why, everybody else goes, why should not they ?" And then, the numerous avocations of an Opera- house evening divert the attention from the stage. True ; but there is a class of women differently situated, who are subject to the nuisance, merely because those who do not care about it are indifferent to its correction ; we mean the daughters and wives of respectable aldermen and drysalters, and tradesmen of a superior class, who are rattled and shaken to the Opera once or twice in the season, in a hackney-coach, and come into the pit all over finery, with long straws abstracted from "their carriage," sticking in their flounces. Who is there that does not know that the Lady Patronesses of Almack's have interdicted pantaloons, tight or loose, at their assemblies ? We have seen a MS. instruction 496 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. (which, alas ! never was printed) from this mighty conclave, announcing their fiat in these words : " Gentlemen will not be admitted ivithoiit breeches and stockings ! " No sooner was this mandate, in whatever terms the published one was couched, fulminated from King Street, than the "lean and slippered pantaloon" was exterminated, and, as the Directresses directed, " short hose " were the order of the day. If the same lovely and honourable ladies were to take the Opera House under their purifying control, and issue, in the same spirit at least, an order that "Ladies will not be permitted to appear without " (whatever may be the proper names for the drapery of females) we are quite con- vinced that they would render a great service to society, and extricate the national character from a reproach which the tacit endurance of such grossnesses has, in the minds of all moderate people, unfortunately cast upon it at present. — John Bull, 1823. TOLL-GATES AND THEIR I^EPERS. Few persons can have passed through life, or London, without having experienced more or less insult from the authoritative manner and coarse language of the fellows who keep the different toll-bars round the metropoHs ; but even were those persons uniformly civil and well-behaved, the innumerable demands which they are authorised to make, and the necessary frequency of their conversation and appeals to the traveller, are of themselves enough to provoke the impatience of the most placid passenger in Christendom. We will select one line of about three or four miles, which will answer by way of an example of what we mean : A man, driving himself (without a servant), starts from Bishopsgate-street for Kilburn. The day is cold and AT THE ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS. //^---:^fl*-^ '^^^-<-- / ,««.•• » -^^^"C-^,^^ Hook, in his letter to Broderip (facsimile given elsewhere) suggests that as ey are going to Ascot races tete-d-tete, it might be as well to speak of it aa cJc-and-neck. A rough sketch is enclosed of the Zoological Gardens, Hook intmg with pride to the necks of the giraffes. TOLL-GATES AND THELR KEEPERS. 497 rainy — his fingers are benumbed ; his two coats buttoned up ; his money in tight pantaloon-pockets ; his horse restive, apt to kick if the reins touch his tail ; his gloves soaked with wet ; and himself half-an-hour too late for dinner. He has to pull up in the middle of the street in Shoreditch, and pay a toll ; — he means to return, therefore he takes a ticket, letter a. On reaching Shoreditch Church, he turns into the Curtain Road, pulls up again, drags off his wet glove with his teeth, his other hand being fully occupied in holding up the reins and the whip ; pays again ; gets another ticket, number 482 ; drags on his glove ; buttons up his coats, and rattles away into Old Street Road ; another gate ; more pulling and poking, and unbuttoning and squeezing. He pays, and takes another ticket, letter l. The operation of getting all to rights takes place once more, nor is it repeated until he reaches Goswell Street Road ; here he performs all the ceremonies we have already described, for a fourth time, and gets a fourth ticket, 732, which is to clear him through the gates in the New Road, as far as the bottom of Penton- ville ; — arrived there, he performs once more all the same evolutions, and procures a fifth ticket, letter x, which, unless some sinister accident occur, is to carry him clear to the Paddington Road ; but opening the fine space of the Regent's Park, at the top of Portland Street, the north breeze blowing fresh from Hampstead, bursts upon his buggy, and all the tickets w^hich he had received from all the gates which he has paid, and which he had stuffed seriatim between the cushion and lining of his dennet, suddenly rise, like a covey, of partridges, from the corner, and he sees the dingy vouchers for his expenditure proceeding down Portland Street at full speed. They are rescued, however, muddy and filthy as they are, by the sweeper of the crossing, who is, of course, rewarded by the driver for his attention with a larger sum than he had originally disbursed for all the gates ; and when deposited again in the vehicle, not in their former order of arrangement, the unfortunate traveller 32 498 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. spends at least ten minutes at the next gate in selecting the particular ticket which is there required to insure his free Conquering all these difficulties, he reaches Paddington Gate, where he pays afresh, and obtains a ticket, 691, with which he proceeds swimmingly until stopped again at Kilburn, to pay a toll, which would clear him all the way to Stanmore, if he were not going to dine at a house three doors beyond this very turnpike, where he pays for the seventh time, and where he obtains a seventh ticket, letter g. He dines and " wines ; " and the bee's-wing from the citizen's port gives new velocity to Time. The dennet was ordered at eleven ; and, although neither tides nor the old gentleman just mentioned, wait for any man, except Tom Hill, horses and dennets will. It is nearer midnight than eleven when the visitor departs, even better buttoned up than in the morning, his lamps giving cheerfulness to the equipage, and light to the road ; and his horse whisking along (his nostrils pouring forth breath like smoke from safety-valves), and the whole affair actually in motion at the rate of ten miles per hour. Stopped at Paddington. ''Pay here?"— "L."—" Won't do."— " g ? "— (The horse fidgety all this time, and the driver trying to read the dirty tickets by the little light which is emitted through the toj)^ of his lamps,)— " X ?"—" It's no letter, I tell you?"— " 482," — "No." At this juncture the clock strikes twelve — the driver is told that his reading and rummaging are ahke useless, for that a new day has begun. The coats are, therefore, unbuttoned — the gloves pulled off — the money to be fished out — the driver discovers that his last shilling was paid to the ostler at the inn where his horse was fed, and that he must change a sovereign to pay the gate. This operation the toll-keeper performs ; nor does the driver discover, until the morning, that one of the half-crowns and four of the shillings which he has received, are bad. Satisfied, however, with what has occurred, he determines TOM SHERIDAN'S ADVENTURE. 499 at all hazards to drive home over the stones, and avoid all further importunities from the turnpike-keepers. Ac- cordingly, away he goes along Oxford Street, over the pavement, working into one hole and tumbling into another, like a ball on a trou madame table, until, at the end of George Street, St. Giles's, snap goes his axle-tree ; away goes his horse, dashing the dennet against a post at the corner of Plumtree Street, leaving the driver, with his collar-bone and left arm broken, on the pavement, at the mercy of two or three popish bricklayers and a couple of women of the town, who humanely lift him to the coach-stand, and deposit, him in a hackney-chariot, having previously cut off the skirts of both his coats, and relieved him, not only of his loose change, but of a gold repeater, a snuff-box, and a pocket-book full of notes and memoranda, of no use but to the owner. The unhappy victim at length reaches home, in agonies from the continued roughness of the pre-adamite pavement, is put to bed — doctors are sent for, the fi'actures are reduced, and in seven weeks he is able to crawl into his counting-house to write a cheque for a new dennet, and give his people orders to shoot his valuable horse, who has so dreadfully injured himself on the fatal night as to be past recovery. TOM SHERIDAN'S ADVENTURE.* Tom Sheridan was staying at Lord Craven's at Benham (or rather Hampstead), and one day proceeded on a shooting excursion, like Hawthorn, with only *' his dog and his gun," on foot, and unattended by companion or keeper ; the sport was bad — ^the birds few and shy — and he walked and walked in search of game, until, unconsciously, he entered the domain of some neighbouring squire. * This story, which Hook used to relate at dinner-parties, was after- wards amplified into a chapter of GilbeH Gumey. (See " The Visit to. Wriggles worth," antccif p. 425.) — Ed. 500 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. A very short time after, lie perceived advancing towards him, at the top of his speed, a jolly, comfortable - looking gentleman, followed by a servant, armed, as it appeared, for conflict. Tom took up a position, and waited the approach of the enemy. "Hallo! you sir," said the squire, when within half-ear- shot, *' what are you doing here, sir, eh ? " *' I'm shooting, sir," said Tom. ** Do you know where you are, sir ? " said the squire. "I'm here, sir," said Tom. "Here, sir," said the squire, growing angry; "and do you know where here Z5, sir ? These, sir, are my manors ; what d'ye think of that, sir, eh ? " "Why, sir, as to your manners," said Tom, "I can't say they seem over agreeable." "I don't want any jokes, sir," said the squire, "I hate jokes. Who are you, sir? — what are you ? " "Why, sir," said Tom, "my name is Sheridan — I am staying at Lord Craven's — I have come out for some sport — I have not had any, and I am not aware that I am trespassing." " Sheridan ! " said the squire, cooling a little ; " oh, from Lord Craven's, eh ? Well, sir, I could not know that, sir — I " "No, sir," said Tom, "but you need not have been in a passion." "Not in a passion! Mr. Sheridan," said the squire, " you don't know, sir, what these preserves have cost me, and the pains and trouble I have been at with them ; it's all very well for you to talk, but if you were in my place I should like to know what you would say upon such an occasion." "Why, sir," said Tom, "if I were in your place, under all the circumstances, I should say — ' I am convinced, Mr. Sheridan, you did not mean to annoy me ; and, as TOM SHERIDAN'S ADVENTURE. 50I you look a good deal tired, perhaps you'll come up to my house and take some refreshment ? '" The squire was hit hard by this nonchalance, and (as the newspapers say), "it is needless to add," acted upon Sheridan's suggestion. *' So far," said poor Tom, " the story tells for me, — now you shall hear the sequel." After having regaled himself at the squire's house, and having said five hundred more good things than he swal- lowed ; having delighted his host, and more than half won the hearts of his wife and daughters, the sportsman pro- ceeded on his return homewards. In the course of his walk he passed through a farm- yard ; in the front of the farm-house was a green, in the centre of which was a pond, in the pond were ducks innumerable swimming and diving ; on its verdant banks a motley group of gallant cocks and pert partlets, picking and feeding — the farmer was leaning over the hatch of the barn, which stood near two cottages on the side of the green. Tom hated to go back with an empty bag ; and having failed in his attempts at higher game, it struck him as a good joke to ridicule the exploits of the day himself, in order to prevent any one else from doing it for him, and he thought to carry home a certain number of the domestic inhabitants of the pond and its vicinity would serve the purpose admirably. Accordingly, up he goes to the farmer and accosts him very civilly — *' My good friend," says Tom, " I'll make you an offer." *' Of what, sur ? " says the farmer. "Why," replies Tom, " I've been out all day fagging after birds, and haven't had a shot — now, both my barrels are loaded — I should like to take home something ; what shall I give you to let me have a shot with each barrel at those ducks and fowls — I standing here — and to have whatever I kill ? " 502 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. *' What sort of a shot are you ? " said the farmer. "Fairish," said Tom, "fairish." " And to have all you kill ? " said the farmer, *' eh ? " " Exactly so," said Tom. *' Half a guinea," said the farmer. "That's too much," said Tom. "I'll tell you what I'll do — I'll give you a seven-shilling piece, which happens to be all the money I have in my pocket." " Well," said the man, " hand it over." The payment was made — Tom, true to his bargain, took his post by the barn-door, and let fly with one barrel and then with the other ; and such quacking and splashing, and screaming and fluttering, had never been seen in that place before. Away ran Tom, and, delighted at his success, picked up first a hen, then a chicken, then fished out a dying duck or two, and so on, until he numbered eight head of domestic game, with which his bag was nobly distended. " Those were right good shots, sir," said the farmer. "Yes," said Tom, " eight ducks and fowls were more than you bargained for, old fellow — worth rather more, I suspect, than seven shillings — eh ? " " Why, yes," said the man, scratching his head — " I think they be ; but what do I care for that — they are none ■of them mine / " "Here," said Tom, "I was for once in my life beaten^ and made off" as fast as I could, for fear the right owner of my game might make his appearance — not but that I could have given the fellow that took me in seven times as much as I did for his cunning and coolness." 503 POLLY HIGGINBOTTOM.* In Chester's town a man there dwelt, Not rich as Croesus, but a buck ; The pangs of love he clearly felt — His name was Thomas Clutterbuck. The lady he did most approve Most guineas gold had got 'em ; And Clutterbuck fell deep in love With Polhj Higfjinhottom. Thomas Clutterbuck ! And Polly Higginbottom ! I sing the loves — the smiling lives — Of Clutterbuck and Higginbottom. A little trip he did propose : — Upon the Dee they got 'em ; The wind blew high — he blew his nose. And sung to Polly Higginbottom. The strain was sweet — the stream was deep- He thought his notes had caught her ; But she, alas ! fii'st fell — asleep ; And then fell — in the water. Polly Higginbottom ! She went to the bottom — I sing the death — the doleful death ! — Of pretty Polly Higginbottom ! Yet still he strain'd his little throat ; To love he did invite her ; And never miss'd her — till his boat, He thought, went rather Hghtcr. From the musical Farce of " Catch Him Who Can" (1806). 504 THEODORE HOOK'S BALLADS AND CATCHES. But when he found that she was lost, The summum of his wishes — He boldly paid the ivaterman, And jump'd among the fishes. Polly Higginbottom, He comes to the bottom ! I sing the death — the double death — Of Clutterbuck and Higginbottom. ' Bound Chester stalk the river ghosts Of this young man and fair maid : His head looks like a salmoyi -trout ; Her tail is like a mermaid. Moral. Learn this, ye constant lovers all, Who live on England's island — The way to shun a watery death Is making love on dry land ! Polly Higginbottom, Who lies at the bottom ! So sing the ghosts — the water-ghosts — Of Clutterbuck and Higginbottom. SONG.* Mary once had lovers two — Whining — pining — sighing : " Ah ! " cries one, " what shall I do ? Mary dear, I'm dying ! " T' other vow'd him just the same — Dead in grief's vagary ; But sighs could never raise a flame In the heart of Mary. * From " Catch Him who Can." PHILIP. 505 A youth there came, all blithe and gay — Merry — laughing — singing — Sporting— courting, all the day — And set the bells a-ringing. Soon he tripp'd it off to church, Lightly, gay, and airy ; Leaving t' others in the lurch, Sighing — after Mary. PHILIP. In the famed town of Cadiz Lived the fairest of ladies. Donna Louisa Isabella : And ehe had a lover. Who did his mind discover ; And she thought him a charming fellow. Now this fairest of ladies Had a father lived in Cadiz, And he lock'd her within a high tower : And her lover coming thither. He promised to be with her At a certain appointed hour. He was there at the time. And he call'd out in rhyme — For his heart was consumed to a cinder — " You have nothing now to fear, Since your Philip now is here ; — Louisa, pray come to the window ! " The lady appears, And quiets all his fears ; For his boldness she likes him the better. " All I want," says he, " to do. Is to get convey' d to you — This very interesting letter ! " 506 THEODORE HOOK'S BALLADS AND CATCHES. THE BLACKSMITH. A BLACKSMITH, jou'll own, is SO clever, And great in the world is his place ; And the reason I've guess'd, why for ever A blacksmith's deserving of grace. Great lawyers who plead and who preach, While many good causes they mar, May yield to the blacksmith to teach. For he labours still more at the har I When great men do wrong in the State, The Commons try hard at their polls ; While the blacksmith, as certain as fate, Could have 'em hauVd over the coals. And if rogues put their name to a draft. The law for their hanging will teaze ; But blacksmiths are free from all craft, And may /or^t? just as much as they please. The vices of trade he holds cheap, And laughs at the world as it rails, For, spite of the pother they keep, They can't make a smith eat his nails. ^ And if, to his praise be it spoke. To raise him still higher and higher ; You may say, and without any joke, All he gets is got out of thejiref Then let blacksmiths be toasted round. For well it may always be said, When a fortune by blacksmiths is found, They must hit the right nail o' the head. "J/F FATHER DID SO BEFORE ME:' 50/ No iromj now I'm about, To his metal you'll find him still true, Since I've hammered his history out, I hope 'twill be temper'd by you. *' MY FATHER DID SO BEFORE IVIE."* When I was a chicken I went to school. My master would call me an obstinate fool, For I ruled the roast, and I roasted all rule, And he wonder'd how ever he bore me. His tables I blotted, his windows I broke, I fired his wig, and I laughed at the smoke, And always replied if he row'd at the joke, Why — my father did so before me. I met a young girl, and I pray'd to the miss, I fell on my knee, and I ask'd for a kiss, She twice said no, but she once said yes. And in marriage declared she'd restore me. We loved and we quarrell'd, like April our strife, I guzzled my stoup, and I buried my wife ; But the thing that consoled me at this time of life Was — my father did so before me. Then now I'm resolv'd at all sorrows to blink — Since winking's the tippy I'll tip 'em the wink, I'll never get drmik when I cannot get drink, Nor ever let misery bore me. I sneer at the Fates, and I laugh at their spite, I sit down contented to sit up all night, And when my time comes, from the world take my flight, For — my father did so before me. * From "The Fortress," a drama in three acts (1807). This song was sung with great success by Mathews. Vide anted, p. 9. 508 THEODORE HOOK'S BALLADS AND CATCHES. THROUGHOUT MY LIFE THE GIRLS I'VE PLEASED." Throughout my life the girls I've pleased, So merry, so blithe and gay ; I've coax'd, I've flatter'd, I've sigh'd, and teased, And stole their young hearts away. With their lips so red, and their eyes so bright, Their nut-brown locks and their teeth so white, The lasses were always my delight, And I am the boy for them. With my capering, tapering, twirling toe. My billet-doux note or letter a ; My sighing — pining — whining — oh ! My person — eye — etcetera ! My taste is wondrous civil, too ; For mark, ye ladies, this — There's nought you say, there's nought you do. To me can come amiss. If serious be your turn of mind, To grunt and groan I'm then inclined ; But if you'll laugh, why, still you'll find That I'm the boy for you. With my capering, etc. Then as to person, what of that ? Of all the girls I've seen. If they've been plump, I've loved them fat; If thin, admired them lean ; And as to height, make no ado ; It matters not, I tell you true, Whether two feet six, or six feet two, Still I am the boy for you. With my capering, etc. 509 THE CHAMBERMAID. When clouds obscure the evening sky, And rains in torrents pour, The inn with joy the travellers spy, And seek its welcome door. 'Tis there I stand to please them all, And follow still my trade ; I smile and run whene'er they call, A merry little chambermaid. But when appears the dawn of day. Farewell to every guest, They take their leaves and onward stray, Some east and others west. And when that horrid bore, the bill, Is call'd for, read, and paid, I cry, *' I hope, give what you will. You'll not forget the chambermaid." Thus happy might I pass my life, But love rules in my breast. And till I'm made a happy wife, I ne'er shall be at rest. Then Fortune's gifts in vain she sheds, For love I leave my trade ; And give my all to him who weds The merry Uttle chambermaid. SONG.- When I was a very little fellow. To Italy I went Upon music intent, With a voice very pliable and mellow. * From the Farce of '* Music Mad " (1808). 510 THEODORE HOOK'S BALLADS AND CATCHES. II sondo to my earo Si suito e so clearo. I like it ; — I love it ; — I adore, oh !. And den it was I resolved to have some more, oh ! Che il gela del timore Sua Pace in tanta pena Tanta Smorza I'ardore, Gia sento in ogni vena. To Turkey then I bent my way ; Tink, tink, a ting a ring, oh ! When cymbals jingle, music play, Ting, ting a ting a ring, oh ! Yet then I change ; To Germany I range ; And Holland, too, mynher vat is der name, Bazzoon, Gloch da cram bo Vat can a, do, do ! Then turn again To flippant Spain, Fast as ever I" can go, Where pretty sets With castanets Tack a rack to the merry Fandango. In France I there Learn'd manj^ an air, And music made my gain With Comment ga, Monsieur 1 Ha ! Ha ! Miron ton ton ton tain ! But near home I got land, And lilted I into Scotland, Where Donald loo'd fair Maggie bonnie ; She loo'd Jock and hated Johnny ; Wi bit love between 'em ganging, Sawney gied the lad a banging. SIR TILBURY TOTT. 511 And now to Hibernia, the true land of harmony, TippHng your whiskey to Shelim a gig, Music, love, wine, and true friendship so charming ye. Blood and ouns, boderoo, lizle my gig. In England, no music is fit to be read, Save one glorious tune that's in every one's head. 'Tis a tune we delight in, So glorious to sing ; God save great George our King, Long live our noble King ! God save the King. SIR TILBURY TOTT.* The plump Lady Tott to her husband one day Said, " Let us go driving this evening, I pray." (Lady Tott was an alderman's daughter.) " Well, where shall we go ?" said Sir Tilbury Tott ; *' Why, my love," said my lady, " the weather is hot. Suppose we drive round by the water, — The water, — Suppose we drive round by the water." The dinner was ended, the claret was " done," The knight getting up — getting down was the sun, — And my lady agog for heart-slaughter ; When Sir Tilbury, lazy, like cows after gi-ains, Said, " The -weather is lowering, my love ; see, it rains,- Only look at the drops in the water, — The water, — Only look at the drops in the water." * P>oin " GObert Gumey." 512 THEODORE HOOK'S BALLADS AND CATCHES. Lady Tott, who, when earnestly fix'd on a drive, Overcame all excuses Sir Til might contrive. Had her bonnet and parasol brought her : Says she, " Dear Sir Til, don't let me ask in vain ; The dots in the pond which you take to be rain, Are nothing but flies in the water, — The water, — Are nothing but flies in the water." Sir Tilbury saw that he could not escape ; So he put on his coat, with a three-doubled cape, And then by the hand gently caught her ; And lifting her up to his high one-horse " shay," She settled her " things," and the pair drove away. And skirted the edge of the water, — The water, — And skirted the edge of the water. Sir Til was quite right ; on the top of his crown. Like small shot in volleys, the rain pepper'd down, — Only small shot would do much more slaughter, — Till the gay Lady Tott, who was getting quite wet, Said, " My dear Sir T. T.," in a kind of half pet, " Turn back, for I'm drench'd with rain-water, — Rain-water, — ■ Turn back, for I'm drench'd with rain-water." "Oh, dear Lady T," said Til, winking his eye, " You everything know so much better than I;" (For, when angry, with kindness he fought her.) " You may fancy this rain, as I did before. But you show'd me my folly ; — 'tis really no more Than the skimming of flies in the water, — The water, — Than the skimming of flies in the water. " VENICE PRESERVED, 513 He drove her about for an hour or two, Till her ladyship's clothes were completely soak'd through, Then home to Tott Cottage he brought her, And said, " Now, Lady T., by the joke of to-night, I'll rei(jn over you ; for you'll own that I'm right, And know rain, ma'am, from flies in the water, — The water, — Know rain, ma'am, froi^i flies in the water." VENICE PRESERVED.* TaTie— "The Sprig of Shfllelagh." OcH, tell me truth now, and did you ne'er hear Of a pair of big traitors, call'd Jaffier and Pierre, "Who thought that their country was shockingly served ? Who met in the dark, and the night, and the fogs, — Who " howl'd at the moon" and call'd themselves *' dogs," Till Jaffier to Pien-e pledged his honour and life, And into the bargain his iligant wife, — By which very means was ould Venice preserved. The ringleaders held a snug club in the town. The object of which was to knock the Doge down, Because from his duty they thought he had swerved. They met every evening, and more was their fault. At the house of a gentleman, Mr. Renault, Who — och, the spalpeen ! — when they all went away, Stay'd at home, and made love to the sweet Mrs. J., — By which, in the end, was ould Venice preserved. * From " Gflbert Guruey." 33 514 THEODORE HOOK'S VERS DE SOCIETE. When Jaffier came back, his most delicate belle — Belvidera they call'd her — determined to tell How she by old Renault that night had been served. This blew up a breeze, and made Jaffier repent Of the plots he had laid : to the Senate he went. He got safe home by twelve : his wife bade him not fail ; And by half- after -one he was snug in the gaol, — By which, as we'll see, was ould Venice preserved. The Doge and the Court, when J.'s story they'd heard, Thought it good for the country to forfeit their word, And break the conditions they should have observed. So they sent the police out to clear every street. And seize whomsoever by chance they might meet ; And before the bright sun was aloft in the sky. Twenty-two of the party were sentenced to die, — And that was the way was ould Venice preserved . Mr. Jaffier, who 'peach'd, was let off at the time ; But that wouldn't do, he committed a crime. Which punishment more than 'his others deserved ; So when Pierre was condemn'd, to the scaffold he went, Pierre whisper'd and nodded, and J. said " Content." They mounted together, till kind Mr. J., Having stabb'd Mr. P., served himself the same way, — And so was their honour in Venice preserved. But och ! what a scene, when the beautiful Bell, At her father's, found out how her dear husband fell ! The sight would the stoutest of hearts have unnerved. She did nothing but tumble, and squabble, and rave, And try to scratch J., with her nails from the grave. This lasted three months, when, cured of her pain. She chuck'd off her weeds, and got married again, — By which very means was this Venus preserved. DAYLIGHT DINNERS.* When Summer's smiles rejoice the plains, And deck the vale with flowers ; And blushing nymphs, and gentle swains. With love beguile the hours ; Oh ! then conceive the ills that mock The well-dress'd London sinner. Invited just at seven o'clock To join a *' daylight dinner." The sun, no trees the eye to shade, Glares full into the windows. And scorches widow, wife, and maid Just as it does the Hindoos ; One's shoes look brown, one's black looks grey, One's legs if thin, look thinner ; There's nothing equals, in its way, A London daylight dinner. The cloth seems blue, the plate's like lead. The faded carpet dirty, Grey hairs peep out from each dark head, And twenty looks like thirty. You sit beside an heiress gay, And do your best to win her, But oh ! — what can one do or say. If 'tis a daylight dinner ? A lovely dame just forty-one. At night a charming creature, My praise unqualified had won. In figure, form, and feature, * From " Gilbert Gumey.'' 5l6 THEODORE HOOK'S VERS DE SOCIETE. That she was born, without a doubt, Before the days of Jenner, By sitting next her, I found out, Once at a daylight dinner. Freckles, and moles, and holes, and spots, The envious sun discloses. And little bumps, and little dots, On chins, and cheeks, and noses. Last Monday, Kate, when next me placed (A most determined grinner). Betray' d four teeth of mineral paste, Eating a daylight dinner. CLUBS. Tune — "Bow, wow, wow." If any man loves comfort and has little cash to buy it, he Should get into a crowded club — a most select society ; While solitude and mutton-cutlets serve infelix uxor, he May have his club (like Hercules) and revel there in luxury. Bow, wow, wow, etc. Yes, Cluhs knock taverns on the head ! e'en HatcJietts can't demolish them ; Joy grieves to see their magnitude, and Long longs to abolish them. The Inns are out! hotels for single men scarce keep alive on it, While none but houses that are in the Family way thiive on it ! Bow, wow, wow, etc. CLUBS. 517 There's first the Athenaeum club, so wise, there's not a man of it That has not sense enough for six, (in fact, that is the plan of it :) The very waiters answer you with eloquence Socratical, And always place the knives and forks in order mathematical. Bow, wow, wow, etc. Then opposite the mental club you'll find the r^^imental one, A meeting made of men of war, and yet a very gentle one ; If uniform good living please your palate, here's excess of it. Especially at private dinners, when they inake a mess of it ! Bow, wow, wow, etc. E'en Isis has a house in Town ! and Cam abandons her city! The Master now hangs out at the United University ; In Common Room she gave a route ! (a novel freak to hit upon) Where Masters gave the Mistresses of Arts no chairs to sit upon! Bow, wow, wow, etc. The Union Club is quite superb — it's best apartment daily is The lounge of lawyers, doctors, merchants, beaux cummultis aliis : At half-past six, the joint concern, for eighteenpence, is given you — Half-pints of port are sent in ketchup bottles to enliven you ! Bow, wow, wow, etc. The travellers are in Pall Mall, and smoke cigars so cosily. And dream they climb the highest Alps, or rove the plains of Moselai ; The world for them has nothing new, they have explor'd all parts of it, And now they are club-footed ! and they sit and look at charts of it. Bow, wow, wow, etc. 5l8 THEODORE HOOK'S VERS DE SOCIETE. The Orientals homeward bound, now seek then* clubs much sallower, And while they eat green fat, they find their own fat growing yellower : Their soup is made more savoury, till bile to shadows dwindles 'em, And Messrs. Savory and Moore with seidlitz draughts re- kindles 'em. Bow, wow, wow, etc. Then there are clubs where persons Parliamentary pre- ponderate. And clubs for men upon the turf — (I wonder they aren't under it) — Clubs where the winning ways of sJuayer folks pervert the use of clubs, Where knaves will make subscribers cry, "Egad, this is the deuce of clubs." Bow, wow, wow, etc. For country Squires the only club in London now is Boodles, sirs. The Crockford club for playful men, the Alfred club for noodles, sirs ; These are the stages which all men propose to play their parts upon, For clubs are what the Londoners have clearly set their hearts upon. Bow, wow, wow, etc. VISITINGS. N.B. — A lady having presented the Author, on a visit, with her thumb to shake hands with, the Muse opened her mouth and spake as follows : — Some women at parting scarce give you So much as a simple good-bye, And from others as long as you live, you Will never be bless'd with a sigh ; VI SITINGS. 519 Some will press you so warmly, you'd linger Beside them for ever, and some Will give you an icy forefinger, But Fanny presents you a thumb. Some will give you a look of indifi'erence, Others will give you a smile ; While some of the colder and stiffer ones. Bow in their o-wn chilly style. There ai-e some who look merry at parting, And some who look wofully glum; Some give you a blessing at starting, But Fanny just gives you a thumb. There are some who will go to the door mth you. Some ring for the man or the maid ; Some who do less, and some more, with you. And a few would be glad if you stay'd. A good many wish you'd be slack again, Their way on a visit to come ; Two or three give you leave to go back again, But Fanny gives only her thumb. With a number, ten minutes are longer Than you find yourself welcome to stay ; While some, whose affections are stronger, Would like to detain you all day. Some offer you sherry and biscuit. Others give not a drop nor a crumb ; Some a sandwich, from sirloin or brisket. But Fanny gives simply her thumb. Some look with a sort of a squint to you, Some whisper they've visits to make ; Some glance at their watches — a hint to you. Which, if you are wise, you will take. 520 THEODORE HOOK'S VERS DE SOCIETE. Some faintly invite yon to dinner, (So faint, you may see it's all hum, Unless you're a silly beginner,) But Fanny presents you a thumb. Some chatter — thirteen to the dozen — Some don't speak a word all the time ; Some open the albums they've chosen, *» And beg you to scribble in rhyme ; Some bellow so loud, they admonish Your ear to take care of its drum ; Some give you an ogle quite tonish. But Fanny gives nought, save her thumb. Some wonder how long you've been absent, Despair of your coming again ; While some have a coach or a cab sent. To take you away if it rain. Some shut up their windows in summer. Some won't stir the fire, though you're numb ; Some give you hot punch in a rummer, But Fanny gives only her thumb. Some talk about scandal, or lovers. Some talk about Byron or Scott ; Some offer you eggs laid by plovers. Some offer the luck of the pot ; A great many offer you nothing, They sit, like automata, dumb. The silly ones give you a loathing. But Fanny gives merely her thumb. Some bore you with six-year-old gabies, In the shape of a master or miss ; Others hold up their slobbering babies, Which you must be a brute not to kiss : VIS I TINGS. 521 Some tell you their household disasters, While others their instruments strum ; Some give you receipts for corn plasters, But Fanny presents you her thumb. Some talk of the play they've been last at, And some of the steam-driven coach ; While those who are prudes look aghast at Each piece of new scandal you broach : Some talk of converting the Hindoos, To relish, like Christians, their rum ; Some give you a view from their windows, But Fanny gives only her thumb. Some ask what you think of the tussel, man. Between the all-lies and the Porte ; And Cod-rington's thrashing the muscle-man (Puns being such people's forte). The men speak of change in the Cabinet ; The women — how can they sit mum ? Give their thoughts upon laces and tabinet, But Fanny gives merely her thumb. Some speak of the Marquis of Lansdowne, Who, to prove the old proverb, has set About thief-catching — laying wise plans down In the Hue and Cry weekly gazette. Some think that the Whigs are but noodles (But such are, of course, the mere scum); Some give you long tales of their poodles, But Fanny presents you her thumb. Good luck to them all ! — ^where I visit, I meet with warm hearts and warm hands ; But that's not a common thing, is it ? For I neither have houses nor lands : 522 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. Not a look but the soul has a part in it, (How different the looks are of some !) Oh ! give me a hand with a heart in it, And the devil take finger and thumb. TO MR. , WHO PUTS OVER HIS DOOR '' PEN AND QUILL MANUFACTURER." You put above your door, and in your bills, You're manufacturer of 'pen^ and quills ; And for the first you well may feel a pride. Your pms are better far than most I've tried ; But for the quills your words are somewhat loose — Who manufactures quills must be a Goose. EPIGRAM It seems as if nature had curiously plann'd. That men's names with their trades should agree ; There's Twining the Tea-man, who lives in the Strand, Would be wliining if robb'd of his T. ON THE LATIN GERUNDS. When Dido's spouse to Dido would not come, She mourn'd in silence, and was Di, Do, Dumb ! 523 THE SPLENDID ANNUAL ; * Or, Fortunes and Misfortunes of a Lord Mayor. Literature, even in this literary age, is not the ordinary pursuit of the citizens of London, although every merchant is necessarily a man of letters, and underwriters are as common as cucumbers. Notwithstanding, however, my being a citizen, I am tempted to disclose the miseries and misfortunes of my life in these pages, because, having heard the ''Anniversary" called a splendid annual, I hope for sympathy from its readers, seeing that I have been a " splendid annual" myself. My name is Scropps — I am an Alderman — I ivas Sheriff — I have been Lord Mayor — and the three great eras of my existence were the year of my shrievalty, the year of my mayoralty, and the year after it. Until I had passed through this ordeal I had no conception of the extremes of happiness and wretchedness to which a human being may be carried, nor ever beheved that society presented to its members an eminence so exalted as that which I once touched, or imagined a fall so great as that which I experienced. I came originally from that place to which persons of bad character are sent — I mean Coventry, where my father for many years contributed his share to the success of par- liamentary candidates, the happiness of new married couples, and even the gratification of ambitious courtiers, by taking part in the manufacture of ribands for election cockades, wedding favours, and cordons of chivalry ; but trade failed, and, like his betters, he became bankrupt, but, unlike his * This humorous sketch originally appeared (July, 1829) in Sharpens London Magazine, a brief-lived monthly, which only reached its thii'd number. The substance of it was afterwards incorporated into the novel of "Gilbert Gvimey," where the name of Scropps was altered to Firkins. See the paper entitled " Lord Wenables Again " (p. 304). 524 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. betters, without any consequent advantage to himself ; and I, at the age of fifteen, was thrown upon the world with nothing but a strong constitution, a moderate education, and fifteen shillings and elevenpence three farthings in my pocket. With these qualifications I started from my native town on a pedestrian excursion to London ; and, although I fell into none of those romantic adventures of which I had read at school, I met with more kindness than the world generally gets credit for, and on the fourth day after my departure, having slept soundly, if not magnificently, every night, and eaten with an appetite which my mode of travelling was admirably calculated to stimulate, reached the great metro- polis, having preserved of my patrimony no less a sum than nine shillings and sevenpence. The bells of one of the churches in the city were ringing merrily as I descended the heights of Islington ; and were it not that my patronymic Scropps never could, under the most improved system of campanology, be jingled into anything harmonious, I have no doubt I, like my great predecessor Whittington, might have heard in that peal a prediction of my future exaltation ; certain it is I did not ; and, wearied with my journey, I took up my lodging for the night at a very humble house near Smithfield, to which I had been kindly recommended by the driver of a return post-chaise, of whose liberal ofi'er of the moiety of his bar to town, I had availed myself at Barnet. As it is not my intention to deduce a moral from my pro- gress in the world at this period of my life, I need not here dilate upon the good policy of honesty, or the advantages of temperance and perseverance, by which I worked my way upwards, until, after meriting the confidence of an excellent master, I found myself enjoying it fully. To his business I succeeded at his death, having several years before, with his sanction, married a young and deserving woman, about my own age, of whose prudence and skill in household matters I had long had a daily experience. In the subordinate character THE SPLENDID ANNUAL. 525 of his sole domestic servant, in which she figured when I first knew her, she had but few opportunities of displaying her intellectual qualities, but when she rose in the world, and felt the cheering influence of prosperity, her mind, like a balloon soaring into regions where the bright sun beams on it, expanded, and she became, as she remains, the kind un- sophisticated partner of my sorrows and my pleasures, the friend of my heart, and the guiding-star of my destinies. To be brief. Providence blessed my efi'orts and increased my means ; I became a wholesale dealer in everything, from barrels of gunpowder down to pickled herrings ; in the civic acceptation of the word I was a merchant, amongst the vulgar I am called a drysalter. I accumulated wealth ; with my fortune my family also grew, and one male Scropps, and four female ditto, grace my board at least once in every week ; for I hold it an article of faith to have a sirloin of roasted beef upon my table on Sundays, and all my children round me to partake of it : this may be prejudice — no matter — so long as he could afi"ord it, my poor father did so before me ; I plead that precedent, and am not ashamed of the custom. Passing over the minor gradations of my life, the removal from one residence to another, the enlargement of this ware- house, the rebuilding of that, the anxiety of a canvass for common councilman, activity in the company of which I am liveryman, inquests, and vestries, and ward meetings, and all the other pleasing toils to which an active citizen is subject, let us come at once to the first marked epoch of my life — the year of my Shrievalty. The announcement of my nomina- tion and election filled Mrs. S. with delight; and when I took my children to Great Queen Street, Lincoln's Inn Fields, to look at the gay chariot brushing up for me, I confess I felt proud and happy to be able to show my progeny the arms of London, those of the Spectacle-makers' Company, and those of the Scroppses (recently found at a trivial expense) all figuring upon the same panels. They looked magnificent upon the pea-green ground, and the wheels, ''white picked- 526 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS out crimson," looked so chaste, and the hammercloth, and the fringe, and the festoons, and the Scropps' crests all looked so rich, and the silk linings and white tassels, and the squabs and the yellow cushions and the crimson carpet looked so comfortable, that, as I stood contemplating the equipage, I said to myself, " What have I done to deserve this ? that my poor father were alive to see his boy Jack going to Westminster, to chop sticks and count hobnails, in a carriage like this ! " My children were like mad things ; and in the afternoon, when I put on my first new brown court suit (lined, like my chariot, with white silk), and fitted up with cut steel buttons, just to try the efi'ect, it all appeared Uke a dream ; the sword, which I tried on, every night for half an hour after I went up to bed, to practise walking with it, was very inconvenient at first ; but use is second nature ; and so by rehearsing and rehearsing I made myself perfect before that auspicious day, when Sheriffs flourish and geese prevail — namely, the twenty-ninth of September. The twelve months which followed were very delightful, for, independently of the positive honour and eclat they pro- duced, I had the Mayoralty in jJt'ospectu (having attained my aldermanic gown by an immense majority the preceding year), and as I used during the sessions to sit in my box at the Old Bailey, with my bag at my back and my bouquet on my book, my thoughts were wholly devoted to one object of contem- plation ; culprits stood trembling to hear the verdict of a jury, and I regarded them not ; convicts knelt to receive the fatal fiat of the Recorder, and I heeded not their sufferings, as I watched the Lord Mayor seated in the centre of the bench, with the sword of justice stuck up in a goblet over his head — there, thought I, if I live two years, shall I sit — however, even as it was, it was very agreeable. When executions, the chief drawbacks to my delight, happened, I found, after a little seasoning, I took the thing coolly, and enjoyed my toast and tea after the patients were turned off, just as if nothing had happened; for, in 7ny time, we hanged at eight and THE SPLENDID ANNUAL. 52/ breakfasted at a quarter after, so that without much hurry we were able to finish our muffins just in time for the cutting down at nine. I had to go to the House of Commons with a petition, and to Court with an address — trying situation for one of the Scroppses — however, the want of state in Parlia- ment, and the very little attention paid to us by the members, put me quite at my ease at Westminster ; while the gracious urbanity of our accomplished monarch* on his throne made me equally comfortable at St. James's. Still I was but a secon- dary person, or rather only one of two secondary persons — the chief of bailiffs and principal Jack Ketch ; there icas a step to gain — and, as I often mentioned to Mrs. Scropps, I was sure my heart would never be still until I had reached the pinnacle. Behold at length the time arrived ! Guildhall crowded to excess — the hustings thronged — the aldermen retire — they return — their choice is announced to the people — it has fallen upon John Ebenezer Scropps, Esq. Alderman and spectacle-maker — a sudden shout is heard — '' Scropps for ever !" resounds — the whole assembly seems to vanish from my sight — I come forward — am invested with the chain — I bow — make a speech — tumble over the train of the Recorder^ and tread upon the tenderest toe of Mr. Deputy Pod — leave the hall in ecstasy, and drive home to Mrs. Scropps in a state of mind bordering upon insanity. The days wore on, each one seemed as long as a week, until at length the 8th of November arrived, and then did it seem certain that I should be Lord Mayor — I was sworn in — the civic insignia were delivered to me — I retui-ned them to the proper officers — my chaplain was near me^the esquires of my household were behind me — the thing was done — never shall I forget the tingling sensation I felt in my ear when I was first called "My Lord" — I even doubted if it were addressed to me, and hesitated to answer — but it Mcm so — the reign of splendour had begun, and after going * George the Fourth. 528 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. through the accustomed ceremonies, I got home and retired to bed early, in order to be fresh for the fatigues of the ensuing day. Sleep I did not — how was it to be expected ? — some part of the night I was in consultation with Mrs. Scropps upon the different arrangements ; settling about the girls, their places at the banquet, and their partners at the ball ; the wind down the chimney sounded like the shouts of the people ; the cocks crowing in the mews at the back of the house I took for trumpets sounding my approach; and the ordinary incidental noises in the family I fancied the popguns at Stangate, announcing my disembarkation at Westminster — thus I tossed and tumbled until the long wished-for day dawned, and I jumped up anxiously to realize the visions of the night. I was not long at my toilet — I was soon shaved and dressed — but just as I was settling myself comfortably into my beautiful brown broadcloth inexpressibles, crack went something, and I discovered that a seam had ripped half a foot long. Had it beep consistent with the dignity of a Lord Mayor to swear, I should, I believe, at that moment, have anathematized the offending tailor ; — as it was, what was to be done ? — I heard trumpets in earnest, carriages drawing up and setting down ; sheriffs and chaplains, mace bearers, train bearers, sword bearers, water bailiffs, remem- brancers, Mr. Common Hunt, the town clerk, and the deputy town clerk, all bustling about — the bells ringing — and 1 late, with a hole in my inexpressibles ! There was but one remedy — my wife's maid, kind, intelligent creature, civil and obliging, and ready to turn her hand to anything, came to my aid, and in less than fifteen minutes her activity, exertea in the midst of the confusion, repaired the injury, and turned me out fit to be seen by the whole corporation of London. When I was dressed, I tapped at Mrs. Scropps's door, went in, and asked her if she thought I should do ; the dear soul, after settling my point-lace frill (which she had been good enough to pick off her own petticoat on pui'pose) THE SPLENDID ANNUAL. 529 and putting my bag straight, gave me the sweetest salute imaginable. " I wish your Lordship health and happiness," said she. *• Sally," said I, -'your Ladyship is an angel; " and so, having kissed each of my daughters, who were in progress of dressing, I descended the stairs, to begin the auspicious day in which I reached the apex of my greatness. Never shall I forget the bows — the civilities — the congratulations — Sheriffs bending before me — the Recorder smiling — the Common Serjeant at my feet — the pageant was intoxicating ; and when, after having breakfasted, I stepped into that glazed and gilded house upon wheels, called the stage coach, and saw my sword-bearer pop himself into one of the boots, with the sword of state in his hands, I was lost in ecstasy. I threw myself back upon the seat of the vehicle, with all possible dignity, but not without damage ; for, in my efforts at ease and elegance, I snapped off the cut steel hilt of my own rapier, by accidentally bumping the whole weight of my body right, or rather wrong, directly upon the top of it. But what was a sword hilt and a bruise to me — pride knows no pain — I felt none — I was tlie Lord Mayor, the greatest man in the greatest city of the greatest nation in the world. The people realised my expectation ; and "Bravo! Scropps," and " Scropps for ever!" resounded again and again, as we proceeded slowly and majestically towards the river, through a fog which prevented our being advantageously seen, and which got down the throat of the sword-bearer, who was a little troubled with asthma, and who coughed incessantly during our progress, much to my annoyance, not to speak of the ungraceful movements which his convulsive barkings gave to the red velvet scabbard of the honourable glaive, as it stuck out of the coach window. We embarked in my barge. A new scene of splendour here awaited me : guns, flags, banners, in short, every thing that taste and fancy could suggest, or a water-bailiff provide, were awaiting me. In the gilded bark was a cold collation. 34 530 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. I ate, or tried to eat, but I tasted nothing. Fowls, pates, game, beef, ham — all had the same flavour ; champagne, hock, and Madeira, were all alike to me. "Lord Mayor" was all I saw, all I heard, all I swallowed ; every thing was pervaded and absorbed by the one captivating word; and the repeated appeals to " My Lordship " were sweeter than nectar. Well, sir, at Westminster I was presented and received ; and what do you think I then did — I, John Ebenezer Scropps, of Coventry? — I desired the Eecorder to invite the judges to dine with me at the Guildhall ! — I, who remember when two of the oldest and most innocent of the twelve came the circuit, trembling at the very sight of them, and believing them some extraordinary creatures, upon whom all the hair and fur, that I saw, grew naturally j I not only asked these formidable beings to dine with me, but, as if I thought it beneath my dignity to do so in my own proper person, actually deputed a judge of my own to do it for me. I never shall forget their lord- ships' bows in return ; mandarins on a mantelpiece are fools to them. Then came the return. We re-embarked ; and then, in reality, did I hear the guns at Stangate saluting me. I stood it like a man, although I have always a fear of accidents from the wadding. The tide was with us ; we soon reached Blackfriars' Bridge ; we landed once more in the sphere of my greatness. At the corner of Fleet Street was the Lady Mayoress, waiting for the procession ; there she was, Sally Scropps — my own Sally — (her maiden name was Snob,) — with a plume of feathers that half filled the coach, and young Sally, and Jenny, and Maria, all crammed in the front seat, with their backs to my horses, which were pawing the mud, and snorting, and smoking Hke steam-engines, with nostrils like safety-valves ; not to speak of four of my footmen hanging behind the carriage, like bees in a swarm. There had not been so much riband in my family since my poor THE SPLENDID ANNUAL. 53 1 father's failiu'e at Coventry ; and yet, how often, over and over again, although the poor old man had been dead more than twenty years, did I during that morning, in the midst of my splendour, think of hini, and wish to my heart that he could see me in my greatness. Even in the midst of my triumph, I seemed to defer to my good, kind parent — in heaven, as I hope and trust — as if I were anxious for Ids judgment, and Im opinion, as to how I should perform the manifold arduous duties of the day. Up Ludgate Hill we went — the fog grew thicker and thicker — but then the beautiful women at the windows — those high up could only just see my knees, and the paste buckles in my shoes. This I regretted ; but every now and then I bowed condescendingly to the people, in order to show my courtesy, and my chain and collar, which I had discovered during the morning shone the brighter for being shaken. But else I maintained a proper dignity throughout my progi-ess ; and, although I said an occasional word or tAvo to my chaplain, and smiled occasionally at LIi'. Water- bailiff, I took no more notice of Mx. Sword, and Mr. Mace, than I should have taken of Gog and Magog. At length we reached Guildhall. As I crossed that beautiful building, lighted brilHantly, and filled with splen- didly-dressed company, and heard the deafening shouts which pealed through its roof as I entered it,. I felt a good deal flurried. I retired to a private room, adjusted my dress,, shook out my frill, rubbed up my chain and collar, and prepared to receive my guests. They came, and shall I ever forget it ? Dinner was announced ; the bands played * Oh ! the roast beef of Old England ;" onwards we went ; a prince of the blood — of the blood royal of my own country — led out Sally — my own Sally — the Lady Mayoress ; the Lord Chancellor handed out young Sally — I saw it done — I thought I should have fainted ; the Prime Minister took Maria ; the Lord Privy Seal gave his arm to Jenny ; and Mrs. Snob, my wife's mother — a wonderful woman at her 532 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS age, bating her corpulency — was escorted to table by the Eight Honourable the Lord Chief Justice of the King's Bench, in his full robes and collar of SS. Oh, if my poor father could have but seen that I At the ball, my eldest girl danced with the Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs, and found him very chatty, though a bit of a " swell ;" Maria danced with the Lord Privy Seal ; arud my youngest with a very handsome man, who wore a riband and star, but who he was, we none of us could ever find out ; no mattet — never did I see such a day, although it was but the first of three hundred and sixty-five splendid visions. It would be tedious to expatiate in detail upon all the pleasures of this happy year, thus auspiciously begun. Each month brought its fresh pleasures ; each week its new amusements ; each day its festival. Public meetings, under the sanction of the Right Honourable the Lord Mayor; concerts and balls, under the patronage of the Lady Mayoress. Then came Easter, and its dinner — -Blue -coat boys and buns; then to St. Paul's one Sunday, and to some other church another Sunday. And then came summer; and then there was swan-hopping np the river, and white-baiting down the river ; Crown and Sceptre below, navigation barge above ; music, flags, streamers, guns, and company. Turtle every day in the week ; peas a pound per pint, and gi'apes a guinea a pound ; not to speak of dabbling in rose-water, served in gold, nor the loving cup, nor the esquires of my household, all in full dress at my elbow. Th^ days, which before had seemed weeks, were now turned to minutes ; scarcely had I swallowed my breakfast, when I was in the justice-room ; and before I had mittimused half a dozen paupers for begging about the streets, luncheon was ready ; this hardly over, in comes a despatch or a deputation ; and so on till dinner, which was barely ended before supper was announced. We all became delighted with the Mansion House. My girls grew gra<;eful by the THE SPLENDID ANNUAL. 533 new confidence their high station gave them ; Maria refused a good ojfter because her lover had an ugly name ; and my dearest Sarah was absolutely persecuted by Sir Patrick O'Donahoo, who had what is called the run of the house, and who scarcely ever dined out of it during my mayoralty,, whether I was at home or not. What did it matter? There was plenty to eat and drink ; the money must be spent, and the victuals cooked ; and so as we made ourselves, happy, it was of no great consequence having one or two more or less at table. We got used to the place — the establishment had got used to us ; we became, in fact, easiy in our dignity, and happy in our state, when, lo and behold, the ninth of another November came — the anniversary of my exaltation — the conclusion of my reign. Again did we go to Guildhall ; again were we toasted and addressed ; again we were handed in and led out ; the girls again flirted with Cabinet ministers, and danced with ambassadors ; and at two o'clock in the morning drove home from the scene of gaiety to our old residence in Budge Row, Walbrook. Never in this world did pickled herrings and turpentine smell so powerfully as when we entered the house upon that occasion ; and although my wife and the young ones stuck to the drinkables at Guildhall as long as was decent, in order to keep up their spirits, their natural feelings would have way, and a sort of shuddering disgust seemed to fill all their minds on their return home. The passage looked so narrow, the drawing-room looked so small,, the staircase was so dark, and the ceilings were so low. However, being tired, we all slept well — at least, I did ; for I was in no humour to talk; and the only topic I could think upon, before I dropped off, was a calculation of the amount of expenses which I had incurred during the just expu'ed year of my magnificence. In the morning we assembled at breakfast ; a note which had arrived by the twopenny post lay on the table ; it waa addressed " Mrs. Scropps, Budge Row." The girls, one after 534 THEODORE' HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. another, took it up, read the undignified superscription, and laid it down again. My old and excellent friend Buckles- bury called to inquire after us. What were his first words ? — they 'u:ere the first I had heard from a stranger since my change; — "Well, Scropps, how are you, old boy? Done up, eh ?" " Scropps — old boy " — no deference, no respect, no " My lord, I hope your lordship passed a comfortable night ; and how is her ladyship, and yotir lordship's amiable daughters?" not a bit of it — "■ How's Mrs. S. and the gah .?" There was nothing in this ; it was quite natural — all as it liad been — all as it must be — all as it should be ; but how very unlike what it was only one day before ! The very servants them- selves, who, when amidst the strapping, state-fed, lace- loaded lackeys of the Mansion House (transferred, with the chairs and tables, from one lord mayor to another), dared not speak, nor look, nor say their lives were their own, strutted about, and banged the doors, and talked of their *' missis," as if she had been an apple-woman. So much for domestic matters. I went out — I was shoved about in Cheapside, in the most remorseless manner, by the money-hunting crowd. My right eye had the nar- rowest possible escape of being poked out by the tray of a brawny butcher-boy, who, when I civilly remonstrated, turned round and said, " Vy, I say, who are you, I vonder, as is so partiklar about your hye-sight /" I felt an involuntary shudder. '* Who am I ? — to-day," thought I, '' I am John Ebenezer Scropps ; two days ago I icas Lord Mayor of London ;" and so the rencontre ended, evidently to the ad- vantage of the bristly brute. It was, however, too much for me. I admit the weakness ; but the efi'ect of contrast was too powerful — the change was too sudden — and I determined to go to Brighton for a few weeks to refresh myself and be weaned from my dignity. We went — we drove to the Royal Hotel ; in the hall stood one of his Majesty's ministers, one of my former THE SPLENDID ANNUAL. 535 guests, speaking to his lady and daughter : my girls passed close to him, — he had handed one of them to dinner the year before, but he appeared entirely to have forgotten her. By-and-by, when we were going out in a fly to take the air, one of the waiters desired the fly-man to pull ofi", because Sir Something Somebody's carriage could not come up, — it was clear that the name of Scropps had lost its influence. "We secluded ourselves in a private house, where we did nothing but sigh and look at the sea. We had been totally spoiled for our proper sphere, and could not get into a better ; the indifi*erence of our inferiors mortified us, and the familiarity of our equals disgusted us, — our potentiality was gone, and we were so much degraded that a puppy of a fellow had the impertinence to ask Jenny if she was going to one of the Old Ship balls. " Of course," said the coxcomb, " I don't mean the ' Almacks,' for they are uncommonly select." In short, do what we would, go where we might, we were outraged and annoyed, or, at least, thought ourselves so ; and beyond all bitterness was the reflection that the days of our dignity and delight never might return. There were at Brighton no less than three men who called me Jack, and tliat^ out of flies or in libraries, and one of these chose occasionally, by way of making himself particularly agree- able, to address me by the familiar appellation of Jacky. At length, and that only three weeks after my fall, an over- grown tallow-chandler met us on the Steyne, and stopped our party to observe, '* as how he thought he owed me for two barrels of coal-tar, for doing over his pig-styes." This settled it, — we departed from Brighton, and made a tour of the coast ; but we never rallied, and business, which must be minded, drove us before Christmas to Budge Row, where we are again settled down. Maria has grown thin — Sarah has turned Methodist — and Jenny, who danced with his Excellency the Portuguese Ambassador, who was called angelic by the Eight Honourable 536 THEODORE HOOK'S HUMOROUS WORKS. the Lord Privy Seal ; and who, moreover, refused a man of fortune because he had an ugly name, is going to be married to Lieutenant Stodge, on the half-pay of the Royal Marines — and what then ? I am sure if it were not for the females of my family I should be perfectly at my ease in my proper sphere, out of which the course of our civic constitution raised me. It was very pleasant at first — but I have toiled long and laboured hard ; I have done my duty, and Provi- dence has blessed my works. If we were discomposed at the sudden change in our station, I it is who was to blame, for having aspired to honours which I knew were not to last. However, the ambition was not dishonourable, nor did I dis- grace the station while I held it. Indeed, I ought to apologize for making public the weakness by which we were all affected ; especially as I have myself already learned to laugh at what we all severely felt at first — the miseries of a Splendid Annual. LETTER TO MR. BRODERIP, THE MAGISTRATE, ONE OF hook's firmest FRIENDS. A, [Continued on another 'page!] LETTER TO MR. BRODERIP [continuation]. % ANECDOTES, HOAXES, AND JESTS THEODORE HOOK. ColUdcb from barioas suurtts. ^2 ANECDOTES, HOAXES, AND JESTS. THE BERNEKS-STREET HOAX. (1809.) IN walking down Berners Street one day, his companion called Hook's attention to the particularly neat and modest appearance of a house, the residence, as appeared from the door-plate, of some decent shopkeeper's widow. " I'll lay you a guinea," said Theodore, " that in one week that nice modest dwelling shall be the most famous in all London." The bet was taken — in the course of four or five days Hook had written and despatched one thousand letters, conveying orders to tradesmen of every sort within the bills of mortality, all to be executed on one particular day, and as nearly as possible at one fixed hour. From waggons of coals and potatoes to books, prints, feathers, ices, jellies, and cranberry tarts — nothing in any way whatever avail- able to any human being but was commanded from scores of rival dealers scattered over our ''province of bricks," from Wapping to Lambeth, from Whitechapel to Paddington. In 1809 Oxford Road was not approachable either from West- minster, or Mayfair, or from the City, otherwise than through a complicated series of lanes. It may be feebly and afar off 540 THEODORE HOOK'S JESTS AND HOAXES. guessed what the crash and jam and tumult of that day was. Hook had provided himself with a lodging nearly opposite the fated No. ; and there, with a couple of trusty allies, he watched the development of the mid-day melodrame. But some of the dramatis personee were seldom if ever alluded to in later times. He had no objection to bodying forth the arrival of the lord mayor and his chaplain, invited to take the death-bed confession of a peculating common councilman ; but he would rather have buried in oblivion that precisely the same sort of liberty was taken with the Governor of the Bank, the chairman of the East India Company, a lord chief justice, a Cabinet minister, — above all, with the Archbishop of Can- terbury, and his Royal Highness the Commander-in-Chief. They all obeyed the summons — every pious and patriotic feeling had been most movingly appealed to ; we are not sure that they all reached Berners Street : but the Duke of York's military punctuality and crimson liveries brought him to the point of attack before the poor widow's astonishment had risen to terror and despair. Perhaps no assassination, no conspiracy, no royal demise or ministerial revolution of recent times was a greater godsend to the newspapers than this audacious j)iece of mischief. In Hook's own theatrical world he was instantly suspected, but no sign escaped either him or his confidants. The affair was beyond that circle a serious one. Fierce were the growlings of the doctors and surgeons, scores of whom had been cheated of valuable hours. Attor- neys, teachers of all kinds, male and female, hair-dressers, tailors, popular preachers, and parliamentary philanthropists, had been victimized in person, and were in their various notes vociferous. But the tangible material damage done was itself no joking matter. There had been an awful smashing of glass, china, harpsichords, and coach-panels. Many a horse had fallen never to rise again. Beer-barrels and wine-barrels had been overturned and exhausted with impunity amidst the press of countless multitudes. It had been a fine field- day for the pickpockets. There arose a fervent hue and cry ROMEO COATES. 54 1 for the detection of the wholesale deceiver and de- stroyer. Mr. Theodore found it convenient to be laid up for a week or two by a severe fit of illness, and then promoted re-con- valescence by a country tour. He is said to have on this occasion revisited Oxford, and professed an intention of at length commencing residence under the discipline of Alma Mater. But if this was so, it went no farther: by-and-by the storm blew over, as it would have done had Berners Street been burnt to the ground, and the lord mayor's coach blown up with all its cargo — and the Great Unknown re-appeared with tranquillity in the Green Eoom. The gambol once shown, it was imitated ad nauseam in many English towns, and also in Paris, with numberless un- meritorious variations. Gilbert Gurney expresses high scorn of these plagiarists. ROMEO COATES. Some two or three years later Hook performed another hoax more limited in scale, but to our mind quite as inex- cusable. The Regent gave a fete of surpassing magnificence at Carlton House, on the 17th of June. Romeo Coates was then in his glory — murdering Shakspeare at the Haymarket, and driving the bright pink cockle-shell with the life-large chanticleers in gilt brass about the streets and park. Theodore, who could imitate any handwriting, contrived to get one of the Chamberlain's tickets into his possession for an hour, and produced a facsimile commanding the presence of Signor Romeo. He then equipped himself in some scarlet uniform, and delivered in person the flattering missive. The dehght of Romeo must be imagined. Hook was in attendance when the time for his sallying forth arrived, and had the satis- faction of seeing him swing into his chariot bedizened in all 542 THEODORE HOOK'S JESTS AND HOAXES. his finery, with a diamond-hilted sword and the air of Louis le Grand. The line of carriages being an Alexandrine, Theodore was also by the "care colonne" when the amateur's vehicle reached its point — saw him mount up the stair and enter the vestibule. The stranger, it is known, passed into the interior without remark or question ; but when he had to show his ticket to the Private Secretary, that eye caught the imposture. Mr. Coates was politely informed that a mistake had occurred, and had to retrace his steps to the portico. The blazoned chariot had driven off — in wrath and confusion he must pick his steps as he might to the first stand of hackney-coaches. Hook was at his elbow well mufiied up. No such discomfiture since the Knight of the Woeful Countenance was unhorsed by the Bachelor Sampson Carrasco. We must not omit to say that the Prince, when aware of what had occurred, signified extreme regret that any one of his household should have detected the trick, or acted on its detection. Mr. Coates was, as he said, an inofi'ensive gentleman, and his presence might have amused many of the guests, and could have done harm to no one. His Koyal Highness sent his Secretary next morning to apologize in person, and to signify that as the arrangements and ornaments were still entire, he hoped Mr. Coates would come and look at them. And Eomeo went. In this per- formance Hook had no confidant. To do him justice, he never told the story without some signs of compunction. HOOK, MATHEWS, AND THE ALDERMAN. No mirth in this world ever surpassed the fascination of these early mountebankeries. We have seen austere judges, venerable prelates, grand lords, aud superfine ladies, all alike overwhelmed and convulsed as he went over the minutest details of such an episode as that, for example, of his and Mathews,, as they were rowing to Richmond, being suddenly HOOK, MATHEWS, AND THE ALDERMAN. 543 bitten by the sight of a placard at the foot of a Barnes garden, — " Nobody permitted to land here — oflfenders pro- secuted with the utmost rigour, of law" — their instant disembarkation on the forbidden paradise — the fishing-line converted into a surveyor's measuring-tape — their solemn pacing to and fro on the beautiful lawn — Hook the surveyor, with his book and pencil in hand — Mathews the clerk, with the cord and walking-stick, both soon pinned into the ex- quisite turf — the opening of the parlour-window, and fiery approach of the napkined alderman — the comedians' cool, indifierent reception of him, and his indignant inquiries — the gradual announcement of their being the agents of the Canal Company, settling where the new cut is to cross the old gentleman's pleasaunce — his alarm and horror, which call forth the unafi'ected regrets and commiserations of the unfortunate officials, " who are never more pained than with such a duty " — the alderman's suggestion that they had better walk in and talk the matter over — their anxious examination of watches, and reluctant admission that they might spare a quarter of an hour — *'but alas! no use, they fear, none whatever " — the entry of the dining-room — the turkey just served — the pressing invitation to taste a morsel — the excellent dinner — the fine old madeira — the bottle of pink champagne, "a present from my lord mayor" — the dis- cussion of half-a-dozen of claret and of the projected branch of the canal^the city knight's arguments getting more and more weighty — *' Really this business must be reconsidered" — "One bottle more, dear gentlemen" — ^till at last it is getting dark — they are eight miles from Westminster Bridge — Hook bursts out into song, and narrates in extempore verse the whole transaction, winding up with — " And we greatly approve of your fare, Your cellar's as prime as your cook ; And this clerk here is Mathews the player, And I'm — Mr. Theodore Hook." — {ExcMnt.)* * Mr. Barham gives a different version of this hoax, and makes Terry, not Mathews, the coadjutor in it. — Ed. 544 THEODORE HOOK'S JESTS AND HOAXES. A STRANGE DINNER. Of Hook's pursuits at the Mauritius, few particulars, save those given in the letter to Mathews, have reached us : they were probably not far dissimilar in spirit from those in which he had indulged at home ; at least, an anecdote or two cor- roborative of the *^ solum non animum mutant f' etc., which we have heard him relate, would lead to such an inference. One of these bore reference to the reception with which a respectable family, that had been recommended to his notice by some common friend in England, was greeted on its arrival at the island. Hook was, of course, all kindness and hospitality — ^an invitation to La Reduite, a country retreat belonging to the Governor, and at which the Treasurer also occasionally resided, was immediately forwarded to the strangers. Equally, as a matter of course, their agreeable host took upon himself the task of "lionizing" the neigh- bourhood ; and more especially of pointing out to their observation the beauties, architectural and otherwise, of Port Louis. For this purpose, the morning following that of debarcation was selected. The town at that period, and it has received but few additions since, was of moderate extent, stretching something in the shape of an amphitheatre almost three miles along the coast, and bounded inland at a distance scarcely exceeding half a mile, by an open space called the '' Champ de Mars." Along this narrow slip, the streets of which are straight and laid out at right angles after the French fashion, did Mr. Hook conduct his new acquaintances ; up one lane, down another, along the Rue Marengo, by the Government House, backwards and forwards, right and left, till every building of the least pretensions to importance had been visited by every possible mode of approach, and on each occasion honoured with a different name and fresh history. The Joss House was multiplied by six ; the old A STRANGE DINNER. 545 East India Company barracks did duty for public asylums for lunatics, or private residences of the Queen of Mada- gascar ; churches, prisons, the Royal College and theatre, were examined again and again, and so on till the miserable party, completely fatigued with the extreme heat, and seeing no symptoms of a termination to the walk, pleaded inability to proceed. One ventured to observe, that though of a much greater size than the view from the harbour would have led him to suppose, the town exhibited a singular same- ness of style in the principal edifices. "A natural thing enough in an infant colony," suggested Hook. The prospect of a luxurious " tiffin " which was awaiting their return, served in some manner to restore the spirits of the travellers, and they took their seats with a full determina- tion of doing ample justice to the far-famed delicacies of the island. The first course presented to the eyes of the astonished but still unsuspecting strangers, comprised nearly every species of 2t?ieatable that could be got together. An enormous gourd graced the centre of the table, strange de- appetizing dishes were placed around, and in turn pressed upon the attention of the guests. " Allow me to ofi'er you a little cat-curry," exclaimed the host; " there is an absurd prejudice against these things in Europe, I know, but this I can really recommend ; or, per- haps, you would prefer a little devilled monkey ; that is, I believe, a dish of fried snakes opposite you, Mr. J ." Mr. J recoiled in alarm. " Hand those lizards round, they seem particularly fine." Nastiness after nastiness was profi'ered in vain; the perplexed Cockneys struggled hard to maintain a depent composure, but with difficulty kept their ground before the unsavoury abominations. What was to be done ? — it was clearly the cuisine de })ays, and the host appeared evidently distressed at their want of appreciation of his fare. One gentleman at length, in sheer despair, thought he ^^ would just try a lizard." 35 546 THEODORE HOOK'S JESTS AND HOAXES. *' Pray do so," eagerly returned Hook; " you will find the flavour a little peculiar at first, I daresay ; but it is astonishing how soon it becomes pleasant to the palate." But however rapidly a taste for the saurian delicacy might be acquired, the adventurous individual in question was not destined to make the experiment. In endeavouring to help himself to one of those unpromising dainties, the tail became separated from its body — it was too much for his nerve — turning a little pale, he pushed aside his plate, and begged to be excused. Since the celebrated "feast after the manner of the ancients," such a collation had never been put down before hungry men : the jest, however, was not pushed to extremes, a second course succeeded ; and on the choice viands of which it consisted the guests proceeded to fall with what appetite they might. Equally absurd, though perhaps hardly becoming the dignity of a treasurer and accountant-general, was a piece of pleasantry played ofi* at the expense of the authorities of the island ! It was on the occasion of a public dinner given at the Government House, and at which the governor himself, confined by ill health to his country residence, was unable to be present. The officer next in rank was, therefore, called upon to preside ; but whether from the soup, or the fish, or the cucumber- — if there happened to be any — disagreeing with him, or from whatever cause, he was compelled to quit the banquet at an early hour, and was conveyed, utterly incapable of either giving or receiving any command, to his quarters. The task of occupying the chair, and proposing the remainder of the loyal and usual toasts, now devolved on Hook ; and, as each separate health was given and duly signalled, it was responded to by an immediate salute from a battery in the square below, accord, ing to special orders. The appointed list having been gone through, the greater portion of the company departed ; but the chairman, so far from showing any disposition to quit his post, begged gentlemen " to fill their glasses, and drink LUDICROUS ADVENTURE AT SUN BURY. 547 a bumper to that gallant and distinguished officer, Captain Dobbs," — up went the signal — bang! bang! bang! roared the artillery. " Lieutenant Hobbs" followed, with the same result. *' Ensign Snobbs," and bang ! bang I bang ! greeted the announcement of his name. Quick as the guns could be reloaded, up again w^ent the signal, and off went his Majesty's twenty-fours, to the honour, successively, of every individual present, soldier or civilian. In vain the subaltern on duty, who had expected at the termination of the accustomed formalities to be permitted to join the party, sent up a remonstrance. The directions he had received were as imperative as those delivered by Denmark's king : — " Let the kettle to the trumpet speak, The trumpet to the cannoneer without, The cannon to the heavens — the heaven to earth." Such a bombardment had not been heard since the capture of the island, and it was not till the noisy compliment had been paid to cook and scullion, who were summoned from the kitchen to return thanks in i)rofria persona, and the powder as well as patience of the indignant gunners were exhausted, that the firing ceased. Something in the shape of a reprimand was talked of; but as, after all, the principal share of blanie was not to be attached to the facetious deputy, the affair was permitted to rest. LUDICROUS ADVENTURE AT SUNBURY. In the course of Hook's numerous suburban excursions, or possibly during his brief sojourn with Doctor Curtis, at Sun- bury, he had become acquainted with a young lady, a resident in the neighbourhood, possessed of an amiable disposition and great personal attractions. Theodore was a favourite 548 THEODORE HOOK'S JESTS AND HOAXES. both with her family and herself, but her affections, unfortu- nately, were fixed up another. Notwithstanding, however, the evident preference shown to his rival, the young gentle- man prosecuted his suit with all the ardour and blindness of eighteen. It was to no purpose that good-humoured hints were thrown out on the part of his inamorata, that, highly agreeable as his society could not fail to be, another held that place in her regards for which he was in vain contend- ing. He determined to set all upon a single cast, and to throw himself, and whatever loose silver might be remaining from the proceeds of his last operetta, at the fair one's feet. On the day fixed for the final appeal,. be found the ground already in the occupation of the enemy ; and it was not till towards the close of the evening that an opportunity was to be snatched of making a formal proposal for the lady's hand : as might have been expected, it was declined, firmly but kindly ; and off" rushed the rejected swain, in a frenzy of rage, to his hotel, whither — for the little village in those days boasted but of one — he w^as soon followed by the successful candidate, Mr. P . It so happened that, in addition to the contretemps of being lodged beneath the same roof, the rivals actually occupied adjoining chambers, and were separated from each other merely by a thin boarded partition : everything that passed in one apartment was consequently pretty distinctly audible in the next ; and the first sounds that greeted Mr. P on his arrival were certain strong objurgations and maledic- tions, in which his own name was constantly recurring, and which proceeded from the neighbouring room. Every now and then a boot-jack or a clothes-brush was hurled against the wall ; next a noise would be heard as of a portmanteau being kicked across the floor, accompanied by such epithets as might be supposed most galling and appropriate to a dis- comfited foe. Then a pause — a burst of lamentation or an attempt at irony — then again more invectives, more railing, more boot-jacks, and so on for half the night did the hapless LUDICROUS ADVENTURE AT SUNBURY. 549 lover continue to bewail the bad taste of women in general, and the especial want of discernment in his own mistress ; and to heap bitter abuse and inflict imaginary chastisement upon the person of his more favoured opponent. Mr. P was a Welshman, and for a moment the hot blood of the Tudors and Llewellyns bubbled up ; but " cool reflection at length came across :" the irresistible absurdity of the position struck with full force upon a mind rendered more than usually complacent by the agreeable assurances so lately received, and he threw himself on the bed in a fit of perfectly Homeric laughter. Early on the next morning Hook started for town ; but whether he ever learnt the perilous vicinity in which he had passed the few preceding hours, we know not. The anecdote reached us from a difi*erent quarter. During this period he was not so thoroughly engrossed by the anxieties of love, but that he found time and sufiicient spirits for the indulgence of those lively pleasantries, which must doubtless have contributed much to recommend him to the favour of the lady's guardian, if not to her own. The name of the inn, " The Flower Pot," which was the scene of the absurd adventure just related, suggested one of these. There resided, it seems, at Sunbury, in a large house, an elderly gentleman, a bachelor, of somewhat eccentric disposition, whose ruling passion was for his garden. This, albeit prodigality was by no means a besetting sin of the proprietor, was kept in the most admirable order, and decorated, regardless of expense, with a profusion of ornaments in the very height of suburban fashion — leaden cupids, slate sun-dials, grottoes of oyster-shells and looking- glass, heaps of flints and overburned bricks, denominated rockwork, and beyond all, and above all, with a magnificent vase filled with a flaming cluster of fuchsias, geraniums, and a number of plants with brilliant blossoms and unutter- able names, which faced the entrance. Here, one fine after- noon, when the flowers had reached their acme of refulgence. 550 THEODORE HOOK'S JESTS AND HOAXES. Mr. Theodore pulled up his dennet. A powerful tug at the bell brought a sort of half-gardener, half-groom, to the gate in double-quick time. " Take the mare round to the stable, put her in a loose box, and rub her down well. I'll come and see her fed myself in a few minutes ; none of you rascals are to be trusted !" So saying, the young gentleman threw the reins to the domestic, marched leisurely along the broad, brown- sugar- looking walk, dexterously cutting off here and there an overgrown carnation with the lash of his driving- whip, and entered the hall. Giving another tremendous jerk to the bell-wire in passing, he walked into the dining-room, the door of which happened to be open, took up a magazine, and threw himself at full length upon the sofa. A tidily- dressed maid servant appeared at the summons. "Bring. me a glass of brandy-and-water, my dear, and send ' Boots.' " " 'Boots,' and 'brandy-and-water,' — La, siri" exclaimed the astonished girl. " You may fetch me a pair of slippers yourself, if you like ; so make haste, and you shall have a kiss when you come back." Duped by the authoritative air assumed by the visitor, (it would be indecorous to suppose another motive,) the attendant disappeared, and speedily returning with the slippers, observed, " If you please, sir, I have brought you a pair, but they are master's, and he is rather particular." " Particular ! Nonsense ! where's the brandy-and-water?" "He never leaves out the spirits, sir; he always keeps the key himself, sir, in his own pocket." *' He must be a deuced odd sort of fellow, then : send him here immediately." " Master is dressing, sir ; he will be down directly," was the reply; and, accordingly, after the lapse of a few L U Die ROUS AD VENTURE A T SUNB URY. 5 5 I minutes, Mr. mado his appearance in full evening costume. " My good friend," commenced Hook, without raising his eyes from the paper, " allow me to observe, that the rules of your establishment are a little inconvenient to travellers : I have been here above a quarter of an hour, and have not been able to get so much as a glass of brandy- and-v/ater — ^bring one immediately — hot ; and let me know what you have got for dinner." " I really beg your pardon," said old Mr. , as soon as he could find words ; "I really beg your pardon, but I am quite at a loss " "So am I, my good man — for a glass of brandy-and- water — bring that, and another for yourself, and then I shall be happy to hear whatever you have to say." " But, sir, you must permit me to state " " I was never in such a detestable house in my life," exclaimed Hook, starting up ; " what do you stand chat- tering there for, instead of attending to my order : am I to be kept here starving all night ? Bring the brandy-and- water, d'ye hear ?" The old gentleman was struck positively speechless ; his face purpled, he seemed in imminent peril of choking with the sudden conflux of ire, indignation, and astonishment. " Why, the fellow's drunk !" pursued Theodore ; " dis- gracefully drunk, at this time of day ! and in his own par- lour, too ! I shall feel it my duty, sir, to lay a statement of this inexcusable conduct before the bench." Mr. sprang to the bell. " John — Thomas — turn this impudent scoundrel out of the house !" The arrival of the servants necessarily led to an expla- nation. Nothing could exceed Mr. Hook's regret ; what could be done ? what apology could be made ? He was a perfect stranger to Sunbury ; had been directed to the " Flower Pot," as the inn aftbrding the best accommoda- tion; and, on seeing what he imagined to be a gigantic 552 THEODORE HOOK'S JESTS AND HOAXES. representation of the sign in question at the garden-gate, he had naturally entered, and acted upon that erroneous impression. This was the unkindest cut of all. To find a stranger reclining in full possession of his sofa and slippers, was bad enough ; to be treated as a dilatory innkeeper, was worse ; and to be taxed with insolence and intoxication, was still more trying to a gentleman of respectable character and excitable nerves ; but to hear the highest achievement of art he possessed — the admiration of himself and friends, and the envy of all Sunbury, his darling vase, compared with which the " Warwick" and the '' Barberini" were as common washpots — to hear this likened to an alehouse sign, was a humiliation which dwarfed into insignificance all preceding insults. But as to whether Hook contrived to soothe the anger he had provoked, and to win a way, as was his wont, into the good graces of his victim — or whether this last afiront proved irremediable, and he was compelled to seek further entertainment for himself and horse at the "Flower Pot" minor, unfortunately our informant is at fault. CHARLES MATHEWS AND HOOK. It was about the year 1803 that my husband first became intimate with Mr. Theodore Hook. The election for Westminster had recently taken place, and Mr. Sheridan was chosen one of its representatives, on which occasion the actors of Drury Lane celebrated their proprietor's triumph, by giving him a dinner at the Piazza cofi'ee-house. To this dinner Mr. Hook was invited. In the course of the day many persons sung, and Mr. Hook being in turn solicited, displayed, to the delight and surprise of all present, his wondrous talent in extempo- raneous singing. The company was numerous, and generally strangers to Mr. Hook ; but, without a moment's premedita- HOOK'S ''FIRST APrEARANCEr 553 tion, he composed a verse upon every person in the room, full of the most pointed wit, and with the truest rhymes, unhesitatingly gathering into his subject, as he rapidly proceeded, in addition to what had passed during the dinner, every trivial incident of the moment. Every action was turned to account ; every circumstance, the look, the gesture, or any other accidental effects, served as occasion for more wit ; and even the singer's ignorance of the names and con- dition of many of the party, seemed to give greater facility to his brilliant hits than even acquaintance with them might have furnished. Mr. Sheridan was astonished at his extraordinary faculty, and declared that he could not have imagined such power possible, had he not witnessed it. No description, he said, could have convinced him of so peculiar an instance of genius, and he protested that he should not have beheved it to be an unstudied effort, had he not seen proof that no anticipation could have been formed of what might arise to furnish matter and opportunities for the exercise of this rare talent. — Memoirs of Charles Mathews, Comedian, by Mrs. Mathews. Lond. 1838. HOOK'S -FIRST APPEARANCE." It was on the evening of Monday, January 30th, 1809, at the *' Grange Theatre," that Mr. Theodore Hook, then a slim youth of fine figure, his head covered with black clus- tering curls, made his " first appearance upon any stage," and in no instance do I remember a more decided case of what is called stage-fright. He had been as bold and easy during the rehearsals as if he had been a practised stager. All the novices seemed fluttered but himself; but when he entered at night as Sir Callaghan O'Brallaghan, the Irish officer, in '* Love a la Mode," he turned pale at the first sight of the audience, and exhibited such palpable terror, that I 554 THEODORE IIOOICS JESTS AND HOAXES. almost supported him on my arm ; liis frame shook, his voice failed him, and not a word of his first scene, nor a note of the song he attempted at the piano-forte (which he had sung so well in the morning), were audible to anybody but myself. It was curious to see a person of Mr. Hook's wondrous nerve and self-possession suddenly subdued in such a way, at a mere make-believe in a room, containing only friends — invulnerable as he was to fear in all things else ! He reco- vered, however, before the piece concluded, and afterwards acted Vapour in the farce' of '' My Grandmother," imitating Mr. Farley excellently ; and a character in an admirable burlesque tragedy of his own writing, called '' Ass-ass-ina- tion," previously to which he hoaxed the audience with a prologue, purposely unintelligible, but speciously delivered ; the first and last word of each line were only to be distin- guished, bearing in them all the cant and rhyw.es of such addresses (some heard and others guessed at, as the speaker's ingenuity served, for of course all was extempore). At the close of this, great applause followed ; and one elderly, im- portant gentleman was heard to whisper to another sitting next him, "An excellent prologue, but abominably inarticu- late ! " HOOK AND DOWTON THE ACTOR. On one occasion poor Dowton was well-nigh frightened from his propriety by the sudden appearance of his young friend upon the stage, whc, in appropriate costume, and with an ultra-melodramatic strut, advanced in place of the regular walking gentleman to offer him a letter. At another, during the heat of a contested Westminster election, the whole house was electrified by a solemn cry, proceeding apparently from the fiend in the " Wood Demon," of " She-ei-dan fob L E TTER FR OM MA U KIT I US. 555 E-VER ! " and uttered in the deepest bass the speaking-trumpet was capable of producing. This last piece of facetiousness was rather seriously resented by Graham, one of the pro- prietors of the Haymarket, who threatened its perpetrator with perpetual suspension of his " privilege," and it required all the interest of influential friends, backed by an ample apology on the part of the culprit, who promised the most strict observance of decorum for the future, to obtain a reversal of the decree. LETTER FROM MAURITIUS. From "La Reduit, Mauritius," under date March 24, 1814, Theodore Hook addressed the following humorous letter to Charles Mathews : — ** My dear Mathews, — Uninteresting as a letter must be from an individual in a little African island, to you who are at the very head- quarters and emporium of news and gaiety, I shall risk annoying you and write, begging you to take along with you that the stupidity of my epistle proceeds in a great measure from the dearth of anything worth the name of intelligence; for if I had anything to say, say it I would. **I have received so much powerful assistance from your public talents in my short dramatic career, and have enjoyed so very many pleasant hours in your private society, that I feel a great pride and gratification from this distance, where flattery cfvUnot be suspected, nor interested motives attach themselves to praise, to express how warmly I feel and how I appreciate both your exertions and your powers. "You have read enough of this island, I daresay, not to imagine that we live in huts on the sea-coast, or that, like our gallant forefathers, we paint ourselves blue, and vote pantaloons a prtgudice. We are here surrounded by every luxury which art can furnish, or dissipation suggest, in a 556 THEODORE HOOK'S JESTS AND HOAXES. climate the most delightful, in a country the most beautiful^ society the most gay, and pursuits the most fascinating. " This is, by heavens, a Paradise, and not without angels. The women are all handsome (not so handsome as EngUsh women), all accomplished, their manners extremely good, wit brilliant, and good-nature wonderful ; this is picking out the best ! The " ol ttoXXoi," as we say at Oxford, are, if I may use the word, mindless — all blank — dance like devils, and better than any people, for, like all fools, they are fond of it, and naturally excel in proportion to their mental debility ; for the greater the fool the better the dancer. *' In short, the whole island is like fairy-land ; every hour seems happier than the last ; the mildness of the air (the sweetness of which, as it passes over spice-plantations and orange-groves, is hardly conceivable), the clearness of the atmosphere, the coolness of the evenings, and the loveliness of the place itself, all combine to render it fascination. The very thought of ever quitting it is like the apprehension of the death or long parting with some near relation, and if it were not that this feeling is counteracted by having some friends at home, there is no inducement that would draw me from such a perfect Thule. " Make my kind remembrances to Mrs. Mathews, and tell her that I hope to shake hands with her when we are both twaddlers — that is, when she is as much of a twaddler as old age can make her ; and that when I return upon crutches from foreign parts, I trust she will direct her son to pay me every attention due to my infirmities. " We have operas in the winter, which sets in about July; our races, too, begin in July ; we have an excellent beef- steak club, and the best Freemasons' lodge in the world. We have subscription concerts, and balls, and the parties in private houses here are seldom less than from two to three hundred. At the last ball given at the Government-house, upwards of seven hundred and fifty ladies were present, which, considering that the greater proportion of the female EVADING A COACH FARE. 557 population are not admissible, proves the number of in- habitants, and the extent of the society. *' Pshaw! my letter is all about myself. Egotism from beginning to end. Like Ai-gus, there are at least an hundred I's in it. Well, damn my I's, I will substitute the other vowel, and assure you that, although at this distance, I am sincerely and truly yours, and that you will find even in Mauriti?rs U and I are not far asunder. '* I daresay some of my fat-headed friends in that little island where the beef grows fancy that I am making a fortune, considering that I am Treasurer ! and Accountant- general ! Fresh butter, my dear fellow, is ten shillings per pound ; a coat costs thirty pounds English ; a pair of gloves, fifteen shillings ; a bottle of claret, the best, ten pence ; and pine-apples a penny a piece. Thus, you see, while the articles necessary to existence are exorbitant, luxuries are dirt cheap, and a pretty life we do lead. Breakfast at eight, always up by gun-fire, five o'clock ; bathe and ride before breakfast, after breakfast lounge about ; at one have a regular meal, yclep'd a tifi'en — ^hot meats, vegetables, &c. — and at this we sit generally through the heat of the day, drinking our wine, and munching our fruit ; at five, or half-past, the carriages come to the door, and we go either in them or in palanquins to dress, which operation performed, we drive out to the race-ground, and through the Champ de Mars, the Hyde Park here, till half-past six ; come into town, and at seven dine, where we remain till ten or eleven, and then join the French parties, as there is regularly a ball somewhere or other every night : these things, blended with business, make out the day and evening." EVADING A COACH FAKE. Everybody Las heard of the ingenious manner in which Sheridan evaded payment of a considerable sum for coach- 558 THEODORE HOOK'S JESTS AND HOAXES. hire, by inveigling Richardson into the vehicle, getting up a quarrel, no very difficult matter, then jumping out in disgust, and leaving his irritable friend to recover his com- posure and pay the fare. Hook, who, like all men of genius, augmented the resources of his own wit by a judicious borrowing from that of others, seems to have caught at this idea when once, under similar circumstances, he found him- self, after a long and agreeable ride, without money to satisfy the coachman — a friend happened to be passing — he was hailed and taken up — but unfortunately proved to be, on inquiry, as unprepared for any pecuniary transaction as Theodore himself. A dull copyist would have broken down at once ; but with a promptitude and felicity of conception that amply redeem the plagiarism, with whatever else he may be left chargeable. Hook pulled the check-string and bade the driver proceed as rapidly as possible to No. — , Street, at the West End of the town, the residence of a well-known " surgeon, &c." Arrived, he ordered the coachman to " knock and ring," as desired, with energy, and on the door opening, told his friend to follow, and hastily entered the house. " Mr. , is he at home ? I must see him immediately !" Mr. — ■ — soon made his appearance, when Hook, in an agitated and hurried tone, commenced : — "My dear sir, I trust you are disengaged!" Mr. bowed; "he was disengaged." " Thank Heaven ! — pardon my incoherence, sir — make allowance for the feelings of a husband — i^erluq^s a father — your attendance, sir, is instantly required — instantly — by Mrs. • , No. — , &c., pray lose not a moment ; it is a very peculiar case, I assure you." " I will start directly," replied the medical man ; " I have only to run upstairs, get my apparatus, and step into my carriage." " Ah ! exactly," returned Hook ; " but I am in agony till I see you fairly off — don't think of ordering out your own carriage — here's one at the door — -jump into that." Mr. , with a great mahogany case under his arm, UXSUCCESSFUL HUNT FOR A DIXNER. 559 made the jump, and quickly found himself at the house to which he had been directed : it was the abode of a very stifi'-mannered, middle-aged maiden lady, not unknown to Hook ; one, moreover, to whom he owed a grudge, a kind of debt he rarely failed to pay. The doctor was admitted, but on explaining the object of his visit, soon found it convenient to make a precipitate retreat from the claws of the infuriate spinster into the arms of the hackney-coachman, who deposited him in safety at his own door, which, however, he declined quitting without the full amount of his fare. UNSUCCESSFUL HUNT FOR A DINNER. Theodore Hook thus -svi'ites to Charles Mathews from the "Prince of "Wales's Coffee House, 8 o'clock, September 21st, 1825:"— "Dear Mat., — I never went sportmg for a dinner that I bagged my bii'd in my life. Broderip asked me to dine with him to-day, and went out and forgot it ; so, I said to myself, says I, I want to ask Mat., or Mrs. Mat., two questions about Charles's ' Trip to Rome.' So on, says I, I'll go to Millfield Lane. I did. On my way I forgot why Broderip forgot Ids engagement ; — natm-al enough — modern Aristophanes — beau- tiful view — charming grounds — pleasant company, — poor me, of course, rejected. Well, up I (joes. Man with powder and an apron opens gate — expecting company — doesn't know whether Mr. Mathews is at home or no — goes to see — good butler, but cannot lie steadily ; so out comes a woman. Satire on the sex to think they have more composure than man in a quandary. — Master not at home. — Novelty, says I, Mathews at Home, anybody can see : but, to see Mat. not at home, is not to be bought. ' Thank you, ma'am,' says I ; and down- hill I tumbled. At its foot, ex pede, 1 discovered (not Her- culem) but the reason why you chose to deny yourself. "Why 560 THEODORE HOOK'S JESTS AND HOAXES. didn't you come out and speak ? I most ardently eschew your mutton, beef, veal, and ham. I only wanted three words of you. — That's your affair. Now, thinks I,* Broderip has cut me, and Mathews has denied himself, I'll go and dine with Nash. Nash dined out, waiting for the great gentleman from Berkshire. I called upon Lyon (James), but, like his namesake, he had abdicated. Met Sir Hudson Lowe — did not ask me ; called at Elliott's — they dined out ; so I damned my fate, and ordered dinner at seven here, and here I am ; and so I will punish your long legs with a threepenny. Write to me, or ask Mrs. Mat. to write, and tell me of the name of the tune of ' The Trip to Rome,' which it is essential to know ; and, if she can furnish me with the second verse com- jjlete, I should be obliged, for Charles has sent only half the stanza. " Despatch in all this is important : it is a very, very clever production, and Charles shall be, what I am sure he ivill, an honour and a blessing to you both ; and so I, in the dumps as I am, pray he may." HOOK AT LORD MELVILLE'S TRIAL. On the occasion of Lord Melville's trial, Theodore Hook was present with a friend. They went early, and were engaged in conversation when the Peers began to enter. At this moment a country-looking lady, whom he afterwards found to be a resident at Rye, in Sussex, touched his arm, and said : "I beg your pardon, sir, but pray who are those gentlemen in red now coming in ? " " Those, ma'am," returned Theodore, " are the Barons of England ; in these cases the junior peers always come first." " Thank you, sir, much obliged to you. Louisa, my dear (turning to a girl about fourteen), tell Jane (about ten), those are the Barons of England ; and the juniors (that's the HOOK AT LORD MELVILLE'S TRIAL. 561 youngest, you know,) always goes first. Tell her to be sure and remember that when we get home." ''Dear me, ma !" said Louisa, " can that gentleman be one of the youngest I I am sure he looks very old." Human nature, added Hook, could not stand this ; any one, though with no more mischief in him than a dove, must have been excited to a hoax. '* And pray, sir," continued the lady, "what gentle- men are those ? " pointing to the Bishops, who came next in order, in the dress which they wear on state occasions, viz., the scarlet and lawn sleeves over their doctors' robes. "Gentlemen, ma'am!" said Hook, "those are not gentle- men ; those are ladies, elderly ladies — the Dowager Peeresses in their own right." The fair inquirer fixed a penetrating glance upon his countenance, saying, as plainly as an eye can say, " Are you quizzing me or no ? " Not a muscle moved ; till at last, tolerably satisfied with her scrutiny, she turned round and whispered, " Louisa, dear, the gentleman says that these are elderly ladies, and Dowager Peeresses in their own right ; tell Jane not to forget that! " All went on smoothly till the Speaker of the House of Commons attracted her atten- tion by the rich embroidery of his robes. " Pray, sir," said she, " and who is that fine-looking person opposite ?" " That, madam," was the answer, "is Cardinal Wolsey ! " "No, sir ! " cried the lady, drawing herself up, and casting at her informant a look of angi-y disdain, " we knows a little better than that ; Cardinal Wolsey has been dead many a good year ! " "No such thing, my dear madam, I assure you," replied Hook, with a gi-avity that must have been almost pre- ternatural ; " it has been, I know, so reported in the country, but without the least foundation ; in fact, those rascally newspapers will say anything." The good old gentlewoman appeared thunderstruck, opened her eyes to their full extent, and gasped like a dying carp ; vox faucihus hasit, seizing a daughter with each hand, she hurried without a word from the spot. — Infjoldshy Legends, 3rd series, p. 69. 86 562 THEODORE HOOK'S JESTS AND HOAXES. THE THIRTY-NINE ARTICLES. Hook had been entered at St. Mary's Hall: his friends would have preferred a residence at Exeter College, but to this, as entailing a somewhat more strict observance of discipline than was compatible with his habits, he himself positively objected. A compromise was effected, and he was placed under the charge of his brother, and presented by him to the Vice -Chancellor, Dr. Parsons, Head of Balliol, and afterwards Bishop of Peterborough, for matriculation. The ceremony was well-nigh stopped in limine, in conse- quence of an ill-timed piece of facetiousness on the part of the candidate. On being asked if he was prepared to sub- scribe to the Thirty-nine Articles : "Oh, certainly, sir," replied Theodore; ^' forty, if you please.'"^' The horror of the Vice*Chancellor may be imagined. The young gentleman was desired to withdraw ; and it required all the interest of his brother, who fortunately happened to be a personal friend of Dr. Parsons, to induce the latter to overlook the offence. The joke, such as it is, was probably picked out of one of Foote's farces, who makes Mrs. Simony, if we mistake not, say, when speaking of her husband the Doctor (intended for the unfortunate Dr. Dodd), "He believes in all the Thirty-nine Articles ; ay, and so he would if there were forty of them." — Barham. "CHAFFING" A PROCTOR. On the evening of Hook's arrival at the University, he contrived to give his brother the slip, and joined a party * This reminds us of Byron's jest on the Trinity, in Don Juan : " I devoutly wish'd the three were four, On purpose to believe so much the more." SUMMARY PROCEEDINGS OF WINTER. 563 of old schoolfellows in a carouse at one of the taverns. Sundry bowls of ''Bishop," and of a popular compound yclept "Egg-flip" — the Cambridge men call it "Silky," to the nondum graduati of Oxford it is known by a nomen accidentale which we have forgotten, — having been discussed; songs, amatory and Bacchanalian, having been sung with full choruses ; and altogether the jocularity having begun to pass "the limit of becoming mirth," the Proctor made his appearance ; and, advancing to the table at which the " Freshman " — fresh in every sense of the word — was pre- siding, put the usual question, — " Pray, sir, are you a member of this University ? " " No, sir," replied Hook, rising and bowing respectfully. " Pray, sir, are you ? " A little disconcerted at the extreme gravity of the other, the Proctor held out his ample sleeve — " You see this, sir ?" "Ah," returned Hook, having examined the fabric with great earnestness for a few seconds, "yes; I perceive — Manchester velvet — and may I take the liberty, sir, of inquiring how much you might have paid per yard for the article ?" The quiet imperturbabihty of manner with wliich this was uttered was more than the Rev. gentleman could stand ; and, muttering something about " supposing it was a mistake," he efi'ected a retreat, amid shouts of laughter from Hook's companions, in which the other occupants of the coffee-room, the waiters, and even his own "bull-dogs" were constrained to join. — Barham. SUM^IABY PROCEEDINGS OF WINTER. Of Hook's improvisations, while at the Mauritius, a stanza of one, in which the names of the company seem to have furnished, each, the subject of an epigram, is extant ; it runs as follows : — 564 THEODORE HOOK'S JESTS AND HOAXES. " We have next Mr. Winter, assessor of taxes, I'd advise you to pay him whatever he axes. Or you'll find, and I say it without any flummery, Tho' his name may be Winter, his actions are summary. "SOMETHING WRONG IN THE CHEST." At St. Helena, Hook encountered the late Lord Charles Somerset, on his way to assume the governorship of the Cape. Lord Charles, who had met him in London occa- sionally, and knew nothing of his arrest, said, " I hope you are not going home for your health, Mr. Hook." "Why," said Theodore, "I am sorry to say, they think there is something wrong in the chest.'' — Quarterly Review, vol. Ixxiii., p. 73. WARREN'S BLACKING. In the art of punning, whatever be its merits or de-merits. Hook had few rivals, and but one superior, if indeed one — we mean Mr. Thomas Hood. Among the innumerable " Theodores " on record, it will be difficult, of course, to pick out the best ; but what he himself considered to be such, was addressed to the late unfortunate Mr. F , an artist, who subsequently committed suicide at the " Salopian " coffee-house for love, as it is said, of a popular actress. They were walking in the neighbourhood of Kensington, when the latter pointing out on a dead wall an incomplete or half- effaced inscription, running " Warren's B ," was puzzled at the moment for the want of the context. " 'Tis lacking that should follow-," observed Hook, in explanation. Nearly as good was his remark on the Duke of Darmstadt's brass band. S//^ ROBERT PEEL'S ANECDOTES. 565 " They well-nigh stun one," said he, in reference to a morning concert, *'with those terrible wind instruments, which roar away in defiance of all rule, except that which Hoyle addresses to young whist-players when in doubt — trump it ! " THE WINE-CELLAR AND THE BOOK-SELLER. Theodore Hook's saying to some man with whom a bibliopolist dined the other day, and got extremely drunk, " Why, you appear to me to have emptied your ifi?ie- cellar into your too/f- seller." — Moore's Diary, Feb., 1836. SIR ROBERT PEEL'S ANECDOTES OF THEODORE HOOK. The late Sir Robert Peel was strongly impressed with Hook's conversational powers and the genuine readiness of his wit ; in illustration of this, he used to relate, among others, the following anecdote : — One morning, at Drayton Manor, where Hook was staying as a guest, some one after breakfast hap- pened to read out from the newspaper a paragraph, in which a well-known coroner was charged with having had a corpse unnecessarily disinterred. The ladies were very severe in condemnation of such unfeeling conduct ; a gallant captain, however, who was present, took up the cudgels in behalf of the accused, maintaining that he was a very kind-hearted man, and incapable of doing anything without strong reasons, calculated to annoy the friends of the deceased. The contest waxed warm : *' Come," said Captain , at length, turning to Hook, who was poring over the Times in a corner of the room, and who had taken no part in the discussion, *' you know W- , what do you think of him ? Is he not a good-tempered, good-natured fellow ? " 566 THEODORE HOOK'S JESTS AND HOAXES ''Indeed he is," replied Hook, laying aside his paper, " I should say he was just the very man to fj'ive a body a lift.'" On the same authority, we may repeat a pun made at the expense of the Duke of Rutland. There was a grand enter- tainment at Belvoir Castle, on the occasion of the coming of age of the Marquis of Granby ; the company were going out to see the fireworks, when Hook came, in great tribulation, to the Duke, who was standing near Sir Robert, and said, " Now isn't this provoking ! I've lost my hat — what can I do ? " " Why the deuce," returned his grace, " did you part with your hat? — I never do ! " " Yes," rejoined Theodore, " but you have especially good reasons for sticking to your Beaver.'" * A RECEIPT AGAINST NIGHT AIR. " Theodore Hook," writes a friend, "had a receipt of his own to prevent invalids from being exposed to the night air. I remember his once taking me home from a party in his cab, between four and five o'clock on a brilliant morning in July. I made some remark, soon after we had passed Hyde Park Corner, about the reviving quality of the air after the heated rooms we had been in. * Ah,' said Hook, ' you may depend on it, my dear fellow, that there is nothing more injurious to health than the night air. I was very ill some months ago, and my doctor gave me particular orders not to expose myself to it.' 'I hope,' said I, ' you attended to them ? ' '0 yes ! ' said he, ' strictly ; I came up every day to Crockford's or some other place to dinner, and I made it a rule on no account to go home again till about this hour in the morning.' " PUNTING. " In the course of our fishing, we had been punted down the river opposite to Lord 's house, and while seated in * The name of Belvoir is thus pronounced. — Ed. ''LIST'' SHOES. 567 front of it, he remarked that he used to be on very friendly terms with the noble owner ; but that a coolness had lately sprung up between them, in consequence of his lordship having taken umbrage at the epitaph (pointed with a clever but objectionable pun) he had composed for his late brother, so unhappily notorious for the charges brought against him of false play at whist. On seeing the present Peer out on the river fishing, Hook had received from him, instead of his usual courteous greeting, a very stiff, ceremonious bow; but, determined not to notice it, he only replied : — *' 'What, my lord, following the family occupation, eh? — punting, I see — punting ! ' " An impromptu of Hook's on the same subject, ran the round of the club-houses. It will be remembered that the nobleman alluded to brought an action for defamation against certain of his accusers, which, however, he thought proper to abandon at the last moment. EPIGRAM. " Cease your humming, The case is * on ; ' Defendant's Ciunming ; Plaintiff's — gone ! " LIST" SHOES. The Duke of B , who was to have been one of the knights at the Eglinton Tournament, was lamenting that he was obliged to excuse himself, on the ground of an attack of the gout. "How," said he, "could I ever get my poor puffed legs into those abominable iron boots ? " " It will be quite as appropriate," replied Hook, " if your Grace goes in your lut shoes." 568 THEODORE HOOK'S JESTS AND HOAXES. "THE ABATTOIR." When Messrs. Abbott and Egerton, in 1836, took the old Coburg Theatre (the Victoria), for the purpose of bringing forward the legitimate drama, the former gentleman asked Hook if he could suggest a new name, the old being too much identified with blue fire and broad swords to suit the proposed change of performance. " Why," said Theodore, *'as, of course, you will butcher everything you attempt, suppose you call it the Abattoir." PUTNEY BRn)GE. Hook's residence at Putney afi'orded occasion for the delivery of one of the best of his best hon-mots. A friend, viewing Putney bridge from the little terrace that overhung the Thames, observed that he had been informed that it was a very good investment, and, turning to his host, inquired " if such was the case — if the bridge really answered ?" "I don't know," said Theodore, "but you have only to cross it, and you are sure to be tolled." " MR. THOMPSON IS TIRED." Some years ago an ingenious representation of the destruc- tion of a Swiss village by an avalanche was exhibited at the Diorama in the Regent's Park, the efi'ect of which was greatly increased by a clever vocal imitation of the dreary winter wind whistling through the mountains ; but this sound ceasing whilst the exigencies of the scene still demanded its continuance, Theodore Hook, who was present, THE ORIGINAL ''PAUL PRVr 569 exclaimed, '^ Bless me, Mr. Thompson is tired,'' which set the spectators laughing, nor could they at all resume the awe-struck gravity with which they had previously witnessed the tragic picture. — Edinhurgli Review, July, 1859. THE ORIGINAL ''PAUL PRY." Tom Hell, the real original "Paul Pry," was reported to be of great age ; and Theodore Hook circulated the apology that his baptismal register could not be found, because it was burnt in the Tower of London. — Henry Crahh Robinson's Diary. Mr. Hill died aged not more than eighty-three — though Hook and all his friends always affected to consider him as quite a Methuselah. James Smith once said that it was impossible to discover his age, for the parish register had been burnt in the fire of London ; but Hook capped this : '•Pooh, pooh! he's one of the Little Hills that are spoken of as skipping in the Psalms." As a mere octogenarian he was wonderful enough. No human being would, from his appearance, gait, or habits, have guessed him to be sixty. Till within three months of his death, he rose at five usually, and brought the materials of his breakfast home with him to the Adelphi from a walk to Billingsgate ; and at dinner he would eat and drink like an adjutant of five-and-twenty. One secret was that a ** banyan day" uniformly followed a festivity. He then nursed himself most carefully on tea and dry toast, tasted neither meat nor wine, and went to bed by eight o'clock. But perhaps the grand secret was, the easy, imperturbable serenity of his temper. He had been kind and generous in the day of his wealth, and, though his evening was comparatively poor, his cheerful heart kept its even beat. 570 THEODORE HOOK'S JESTS AND HOAXES. HOOK AND TOM HILL. Notwithstanding the real affection he felt for him, Hook was sometimes led, as is the case with spoiled children, whether of larger or lesser growth, to trespass overmuch upon the good nature of his friend — almost worshipper — and to allow himself liberties which no degree of intimacy could justify. An instance of the kind occurred at Sydenham, when Hook, resenting the introduction of a comparative stranger to their saturnalia, chose to assume all sorts of extraordinary and offensive airs, to the great discomfiture of his host, who, with the warmest desire to " see everybody comfortable," had not always, perhaps, tact commensurate with his bene- volence. Having completely mystified the unwelcome guest during the hour or two before dinner, when that meal was served ]VL.\ Hook was not to be found ; search was made throughout the house, but in vain. The garden was scoured and a peep taken into the pond, but no Hook ! The party at length sat down, and a servant soon after informed them that he had discovered the lost one — in bed ! Hook now thought fit to make his appearance, which he did in strange guise, with his long black hair plastered over his face, and his whole head and shoulders dripping with water. '' Feeling a little fatigued," he said, " he had retired to rest ; and, by way of thoroughly arousing himself, had just taken a plunge in the water-butt ; " at the same moment, and before he had time to partake of any of the good things before him, Mr. Hook's carriage was announced ; and merely observing that he had recollected an engagement to dine that day in town, he bowed and quitted the company. HOOK'S POLITENESS. Hook was once observed, during dinner, nodding like a Chinese mandarin in a tea-shop. On being asked the reason, A BISCUIT AND A GLASS OF SHERRY. 57 I he replied, '' Why, when no one else asks me to take cham- pagne, I take sheriy with the epergne and bow to the flowers.' ' — Mark Lemon's Jest Book. A BISCUIT AND A GLASS OF SHERRY. Mr. Price was an American by birth, and a proficient, it is said, in the national accomplishment — duelling ; in this country he was more favourably known as a hon vivant of taste, and a giver of bachelor dinners of a high order ; he was, moreover, the first promulgator of one of those Trans- atlantic beverages, which are justly the admiration of the curious. It is a species of punch, in which gin, maraschino, and iced soda-water are blended in a certain occult and scientific way, and is esteemed of sovereign worth in very hot weather, or in cases where an obstinate and unaccount- able thirst has somehow survived the repeated efi'orts made to quench it the preceding day. Hook, one afternoon succeeding a banquet at the Free- masons' Tavern, where the port had been particularly fiery, or the salmon had disagreed with him, happened to drop in at "the Club," and found the mighty master with an amphora of his potent elixir before him : the former was with some difiiculty — probably no great deal — induced to give an opinion as to its merits ; but it was a matter not to be decided lightly, and some half-dozen pints of the beguiling compound were discussed ere the authoritative " wibibatiir'" went forth. In the evening, at Lord Canter- burj^'s, Hook was observed to eat even less than usual, and, on being asked whether he was unwell, replied — " Oh no, not exactly; but my stomach won't bear trifling with, and I was foolish enough to take a biscuit and a glass of sherry by way of luncheon." 572 THEODORE HOOK'S JESTS AND HOAXES. MUCH ALIIvE. Two silly brothers, twins, were very much about town in Hook's time ; and they took every pains, by dressing alike, to deceive their friends as to their identity. Tom Hill was expatiating upon these modern Dromios, at which Hook grew impatient. " Well," said Hill, " you will admit that they resemble each other wonderfully : they are as like as two peas." *' They are," retorted Hook, *' and quite as green ! " PRIVATE MEDICAL PRACTICE. Hook, in " Cousin William," calls the aunt and uncle bold Buchan-eers, from their fondness for rash domestic medical practice, and doctoring themselves from Buchan. In de- scribing the original of this aunt, at the Garrick, one morning, he declared that the old lady was so delighted with everything pertaining to physic, that she drank wine every six hours out of dose-glasses, and filled her gold-fish globes with leeches, the evolutions of which she watched by tlie hour. HOOK'S STREET FUN. Hook's street fun was irrepressible. We read of his walking up to a pompous person in the trottoir in the Strand, and saying to him, "I beg your pardon, sir, but may I ask, Are you anyhody j^articular ? '' — but he did not wait for the answer of the magnifico. A MISNOMER. Hook said the title of Bentley's new magazine was omi- nous : " Miss-sell-any ; " but his prophecy was not borne out by the event. HOOK'S EXTEMPORE VERSES. 573 ''CONTINGENCIES." Theodore Hook used to describe contingencies as "things that never happen." — lAJe of Ingoldshy. ''THE WIDOW'S MITE." After his marriage, Lord John Russell was christened by Hook "the Widow's Mite." — Ingoldshy. 4 HOOK'S EXTEMPORE VERSES. Theodore Hook, in his twentieth year, gave evidence of the possession of a talent, compared with which mimicry in its perfection, available enough as an auxiliary, sinks into insignificance — that of the improvisatore. Men of mark are found bearing testimony to the inspirations of his genius ; marvellous at the early age referred to, but far surpassed by his later performances. Coleridge, for example, at the ter- mination of a somewhat prolonged revel held at the cottage of Mr. Mansel Reynolds, is said to have proclaimed, in his declamatory manner, that he had never met a man who could bring such various and amazing resources of mind to bear on the mere whim or folly of the moment ; while the poet Camp- bell spoke of him as "a wonderful creature," who sang extempore songs, " not to my admiration, but to my astonish- ment." Those who have been in the habit of attending public meetings, or have listened to the harangues, so glibly " done into English" by next morning, of the orators of St. Stephen's, cannot fail to have remarked how rarely even respectable prose is delivered where opportunity for prepara- tion has been wanting. But in the art, if art it may be called, 574 THEODORE HOOK'S IMPROVISATIONS. of pouring forth extemporaneous poetry, music and words, rhyme and reason, all impromptu. Hook stood alone — rival he had none ; of course he had his imitators : " The charming extempore verses of Twiss's," for example, will not readily he forgotten ; another gentleman, also, found reason to remember his attempt at rivalry. Am- bitious of distinction, he took an opportunity of striking off into verse immediately after one of Hook's happiest efforts. Theodore's bright eye flashed, and fixed on the intruder, who soon began to flounder in the meshes of his stanza, when he was put out of his misery at once by the following couplet from the master, given, however, with a good-humoured smile that robbed it of all offence : — " I see, sir, I see, sir, what 'tis that you're hatching ; But mocking, you see, sir, is not always catching." There can be no doubt as to the perfect genuineness of these marvellous efforts of the human intellect ; the word was given and the " numbers came," gushing fresh and sparkling from the fount. His companions at the table, and the obser- vations that had fallen from them, afforded not unfrequently matter for his good-natured muse. But as often a subject impossible in any way to have been anticipated, was pro- posed by one of the company, generally the most incredulous, and with scarce a moment's consideration, he would place himself at the piano-forte, run over the keys, and break forth into a medley of merriment, of which, unhappily, no idea can be conveyed, for the benefit and conversion of the sceptic. The names of those present were frequently woven into the rhyme, or made to supply points to the verse. He is said once to have encountered a pair of most unmanageable patro- nymics, those of Sir Moses Ximenes, and Mr. Rosenagen, a young Dane ; the line antiphonetic to the former has escaped us ; the latter, reserved till near the conclusion, was thus played upon : — AN EXTEMPORE MELODRAMA. 5/5 " Yet more of my Muse is required, Alas ! I fear she is doue ; But no ! like a fiddler that's tired, I'll Rosen-agen, and go on." HOOK EXTEMPORISES A IVIELODRAMA. Hook placed himself at the piano-forte, and gave a most extraordinary display of his powers, both as a musician and an improvisatore. His assumed object was to give a speci- men of the burlettas formerly produced at Sadler's Wells, and he went through the whole of one which he composed upon the spot. He commenced with the tuning of the instruments, the prompter's bell, the rapping of the fiddlestick by the leader of the band, and the overture, till, the curtain being supposed to rise, he proceeded to describe-— The first scene. — A country village — cottage, (o. p.) — church (p. s.) Large tree near wing. Bridge over a river occupying the centre of the background. Music. — Little men in red coats seen riding over bridge. Enter — Gafi'er from cottage, to the symphony usually played on introducing old folks on such occasions. Gafi'er, in recitative, intimates that he is aware that the purpose of the Squire in thus early — " A crossing over the water, Is to hunt not the stag, but my lovely daughter." Sings a song and retires, to observe Squire's motions, ex- pressing a determination to balk his intentions : — " For a peasant's a man, and a squire's no more, And a father has feelings, though never so poor." Enter Squire with his train. — Grand chorus of huntsmen — " Merry-toned horn. Blithe is the morn," " Hark forward, away, Glorious Day," "Bright Phoebus," "Aurora," etc., etc. The Squire dismisses all save his confidant, to whom, in 576 THEODORE HOOK'S IMPROVISATIONS. recitative, he avows his design of carrying off the old man's daughter, then sings under her window. The casement up one pair of stairs opens. Susan appears at it and sings — asking whether the voice which has been serenading her is that of her '^ true blue WilHam, who, on the seas, — is blown about by every breeze." The Squire, hiding behind the tree, she descends to satisfy herself ; is accosted by him, and re- fuses his offer ; he attempts force. The old man interferes, lectures the Squire, locks up his daughter, and exit (p. s.). Squire sings a song expressive of rage, and his determination to obtain the girl, and exit (p. s.). Whistle — Scene changes with a slap. — Public-house door ; sailors carousing, with long pig-tails, checked shirts, glazed hats, and blue trousers. Chorus — " Jolly tars, Plough the main, — Kiss the girls. Sea again." William, in recitative, states that he has been " With brave Rodney," and has got " Gold galore ; " tells his messmates he has heard a land- lubber means to run away with his sweetheart, and asks their assistance. They promise it. " Tip us your fin ! We'll stick t'ye, my hearty, And beat him ! Haven't we beat Boneyparty ? " Solo, by William, " Girl of my heart, Never part." Chorus of sailors — " Shiver my timbers," " Smoke and fire, d n the Squire," etc., etc. (Whistle — scene closes — slap.) Scene — the village as before. Enter Squire ; reconnoitres in recitative ; beckons on gipsies, headed by confidant in red. Chorus of Gipsies entering — '' Hark ? hark? Butcher's dogs bark! Bow, wow, wow. Not now, not now." "Si- lence, hush ! Behind the bush. Hush, hush, hush ! " " Bow, wow, wow." "Hush, hush." "Bow, wow." "Hush! hush ! hush ! " Enter Susan from cottage. Recitative, " What can keep father so long at market ? The sun has set, altho' it's not quite dark yet. — Butter and eggs, — Weary legs." AN EXTEMPORE MELODRAMA. 577 Gipsies rush on and seize her ; she screams ; Squire comes forward. Recitative Affettuoso — " She scornful, imploring, furious, frightened !" Squire offers to seize her ; True Blue rushes down and interposes ; music agitato ; sailors in pig- tails beat off gipsies ; confidant runs up the tree ; True Blue collars Squire. Enter Gaffer : — " Hey-day ! What's all this clatter ? William ashore ? — Why, what's the matter ? " William releases Squire, turns to Sue ; she screams and runs to him; embrace; "Lovely Sue; Own True Blue;" faints ; Gaffer goes for gin ; she recovers and refuses it ; Gaffer winks, and drinks it himself; Squire, Recitative — *' Never knew, about True Blue, constant Sue ; " " Devilish glad ; here, my lad ; what says dad ?" William, recitative — " Thank ye. Squire ; heart's desire ; roam no more ; moored ashore." Squire joins lovers — " Take her hand ; house, and bit of land ; my own ground ; " And for a portion, here's two hundred pound ! " Grand chorus ; huntsmen, gipsies, and sailors with pigtails ; Solo, Susan — " Constant Sue ; own True Blue." Chorus ; Solo, William — "Dearest wife, laid up for life." Chorus; Solo, Squire — "Happy lovers, tButh discovers." Chorus; Solo, Gaffer — " Curtain draws, your applause." Grand chorus ; huntsmen, gipsies, sailors in pigtails ; William and Susan in centre ; Gaffer (o.p.), Squu-e (p.s.), retire singing — " Blithe and gay — Hark away ! Merry, merry May ; Bill and Susan's wedding-day." — Diar}^ of Thomas Ingoldsby (Rev. R. H. Barham), November Gth, 1827. 87 578 THEODORE HOOICS IMPROVISATIONS. " ASS-ASS-INATION." " Ass-Ass-iNATiON," a sort of burlesque on Hamlet, was another of Hook's extravaganzas, broad enough " for the meanest capacity," but amusing "withal, abounding in point and pun, as well as local hits, and quite worthy the attention of any country manager, whether amateur or professional, who may happen to be at a loss for Christmas novelties. Take, by way of sample, the opening scene : — Enter Princess, with a light. Piincess. 'Tis midnight ! Suspicion's gone to sleep. Credulity has warmed the bed, and Dulness tucked him up. My father is not dead ; I've hoaxed the public ; I've shut my regal daddy in the coal-hole, and now am Regent. The dirty work is done, and I'll to bed ! to bed ! to bed ! [Exit on tiptoe, p. s. Re-enter, o. p. and p. s., Amatavelli and Mumptifoni, each peeping in. Ama. Have you been listening ? Mum. I have. Ama. How like a courtier ! — 'tis well. Falalaria, our Princess Regent, loves Mum. {With a considerable degree of self-complacency.) I think she does ! Ama. Not you — another. Mum. Then, by my soul, he dies ! Ama. Nay ! by my soul, he lives / ' Tis Blubbero, the mighty King af Finland. Mum. From Finland ! — pshaw ! A king of dolphins and Prince of Whales. *' WEATHER OR NO." The last time that Theodore Hook dined at Amen Corner, he was unusually late, and dinner was served before he GOOD NrGIIT. 579 made his appearance. Mr. Barham apologized for having sat down without him, observing that he had quite given him up, and had supposed '* that the weather had deterred him." "Oh!" replied Hook, "I had determined to come, weather or no." — Ldfe of Rev. R. H. Barham. DIAMOND CUT DUMOND. Hook told a story of a gentleman driving his Irish servant in his cab, and saying to him, half jocularly, half in anger : *' If the gallows had its due, you rascal, where would you be now ?" . " Faith, then, your honour, it's riding in this cab I'd be, all alone by myself may be !" TOM MOORE.— LOSING A HAT. Words cannot do justice to Theodore Hook's talent for improvisation : it was perfectly wonderful. He was one day sitting at the pianoforte, singing an extempore song as fluently as if he had had the words and music before him, when Moore happened to look into the room, and Hook instantly introduced a long parenthesis, " And here's Mr. Moore, Peeping in at the door," &c. The last time I saw Hook was in the lobby of Lord Canterbmy's house after a large evening party there. He was walking up and down, singing with great gravity, to the astonishment of the footmen, '* Shepherds, I have lost my hat." — Rogers's Table Talk. " GOOD NIGHT." Wherever Hook came he was a welcome guest ; and his arrival was the signal for hilarity and festivity. The dining- room and the drawing-room were alike his theatres : the 580 THEODORE HOOK'S IMPROVISATIONS. former was enlivened by the jest and song, the latter by music and improvisation, of which he was master beyond any man that perhaps England ever beheld. Our untract- able language was to him as easy as the facile Italian, and whether seated at the genial board, with a few choice companions, or at the pianoforte, surrounded by admiring beauty, his performances in this way were the delight and admiration of all who heard them. They were, indeed, very extraordinary. Some of them might have been printed as finished ballads ; and others, though not so perfect in parts as metrical compositions, were so studded with bright conceits, and often so touched with exquisite sentiment and pathos, that their efi'ect upon the audience was evinced by shouts of laughter, or starting tears. We remember one beautiful example of the latter. At a party at Prior's Bank, Fulham, it was morning before the guests departed, yet Hook remained to the last, and a light of other days brightened his features as he again opened the piano and began a recitative. Another extem- pore song had been begged by a bevy of lovely dames, and Hook hastened to comply with their request — the subject this time being " Good Night." The singer had proceeded through a few verses, and at length uttered a happy thought, which excited a joyous laugh in a fair young boy standing by his side. At this moment one of the servants suddenly opened the drawing-room shutters, and a flood of light fell upon the lad's head. The effect was very touching, but it became a thousand times more so as Hook, availing himself of the incident, placed his hand upon the youth's brow, and in tremulous tones uttered a verse of which only the con- cluding lines are remembered : — '' For you is the dawn of the morning, For me is the solemn good night." He rose from the piano, burst into tears, and left the room. Few of those who were present saw him afterwards. INDEX Agnew, Sir Andrew, 400 Allan, William, clerk in the Trea- sury Office at Mauritius, 20 ; suicide of, 28 Allendale, Alfred, pseudonym of Hook, 15, 29 Arcadian, the, started by Hook and Terry, 24 ; collapses after the second number, 25; quoted, 133 Ass-ass-ination, 135, 578 Baird, Sir David, Life of, 32 Banks, Sir Joseph, 16 Barham, Rev. R. H., his last inter- view with Hook, 36 Beckford, William, 386 Berners-street Hoax, the, 539 Blinkinsop, Vicesimus, pseudonym of Hook, 23, 209 Broughton, Lord, see Hohhouse Bubbles of 1825, 194 Bull, see John Bull Byron, Lord, at Harrow with Theodore Hook, 3, 5 ; his attacks on Hook in " English Bards and Scotch Reviewers," 6, 10 ; his treatment of Leigh Hunt, 280 ; supposed conversations of, 285 Canterbury, Lord, 23 Clubs, 333, 516 Coates, Romeo, 541 " Contingencies," 573 Creevy, Mr., 170, 183 Croker, John Wilson, 23 Curvven, Mr., M.P., 160 Daly's Practical Jokes, 471 Dancing, Hook's contempt for, 556. Daylight Dinners, 515 Dido, 522 Dillon, Dr., Chaplain to the Lord Mayor, his ridiculous book, 288, 304 Dilworth's Instructions, 347 Dowton the Actor, Hook and, 554 Entick's Dictionary, 317, 320 Errors of the Press, 409 Fanny's Thumb, 519 Farquhar, Sir R. J. (Governor of Mauritius), 18 ; connected by marriage with Hook's family, ib. ; returns to England, 20 Foote, Samuel, 226 Fulham, Hook's residence at, 31 ; Buried at, 38 Gaffer Grey, 166 GilbeH Gumeij, 33 Godwin, William, his Life of Chaucer, 215 " Good Night," 579 Goethe, his Preface to Prince Puckler-Muskau's Tour, 355 Hall, Major-General, appointed Deputy-Governor of Mauritius, 20 582 INDEX. Haydon, R. B., the painter, 249 Hobhouse, John Cam, 133, 217 Holcroft, Thomas, imitated, 166 Holland, Lady, 24 Hone, William, his Parodies, 190 Hook, James (father of Theodore Hook), his musical compositions, 4 ; weak character of, 6 (Dr. James), Dean of Worces- ter, 4 Hook, Theodore, birth and parent- age, 3, 4 ; sent to Harrow, 5 ; death of his mother, 6 ; com- mences writing vaudevilles for the stage, 7 ; ridicules the Me- thodists, 11 ; his first appear- ance as a novelist, 15 ; appointed Accountant- General and Trea- surer at the Mauritius, 18 ; de- scribes his mode of life there in a letter to Mathews, 19 ; arrested for irregularities in the Treasury accounts, 21; sent to England for trial, 21 ; visit to Napoleon at St. Helena, 22 ; arrives in England, and is ^liberated, ih. ; establishes himself at Somers Town, ih. ; opens his campaign against Queen Caroline, 23 ; starts a small magazine, 24 ; establishes the John Bull news- paper, 25 ; and publishes a series of brilliant songs and squibs in it, 26 ; arrested under an Exchequer writ, 27 ; trans- ferred to the Rules of the King's Bench, 28 ; publishes the first series of Sayings and Doings, 29 ; takes a cottage at Putney, 30 ; removes to a fashionable quarter of the West-end, ih. ; finally settles down at Fulham, 31 ; various successive works, 32 ; undertakes the editorship of the New Monthly Magazine, 33 ; errors of his career, 35 ; last interview with his friend Ingoldsby, 36 ; illness and death, 37 ; buried at Fulham, 38. Hunt, Leigh, on Methodism, 14; his connexion with Lord Byron, 280 Hunting the Hare, 147 Ingoldsby, see Barham, Rev. JR. H. Jack Brag, 33 Jeffrey, Lord, 217, 280 John Bull newspaper, establish- ment of, 25 ; Hook's connexion with, 26 Kelly, Michael, his Reminiscences revised by Hook, 30 Knight, Richard Payne, 220, 258 Larpent, Mr., 11, 12 L' Estrange, Father, 378 " List " Shoes, 567 Liston, performs in Hook's farces j 8 Lockhart, John Gibson, on Hookas Tentamen, 23 Lowth, 182 Madden, Miss, the mother of Theo- dore Hook, 4 Mathews, Charles, performs in Hook's farces, 8 , Charles, jun., 9 Maurice, M. Charles, his Bahillard, 8 Mauritius, Letter from, 555 Maxivell, 31 Melodrama, an extempore, 575 MelvHle, Lord, trial of, 560 Michael's Dinner, 138 Miller, Joe, quoted, 243 Minus, Mr., the poet, 16, 338 Moore, Thomas, 16, 67 ; quoted, 106 ; sketched under the title of Mr. Minus, 338 Morgan, Lady, 67 ; described, 368 Muggins's (Mrs.) Visit to the Queen, 140 Naldi, his Fanatico per la Miisica, 10 Napoleon, at St. Helena, 22 Night Air, a Receipt against, 566 IN'DEX. 583 O'Counell, Daniel, described, 377 Oweuson, Miss, see Morgan, Lady Peel, Sir Robert, contemporary with Theodore Hook at Harrow, 5 ; his Anecdotes of Theodore Hook, 565 Pope, Alexander, saying of, 8 Prince Puckler-Muskau's Tour, 355 Punning, 316, 320 Punting, 566 Putney Bridge, 568 Hook's residence at, 30 Ramshottom Papers, 26, 41 — 130 Ramsbottom, Mrs., her party, 41 ; Her Journal in England and France, 46 ; death of her hus- band, 69 ; visits Rome, ib. ; ob- jects to being dramatised, 72 ; \'isits Dieppe, 73 ; describes Hastings, 75 ; relates some anecdotes of her son-in-law, 78 ; on the House of Commons, 79 ; on the Canning Administration, 81 ; on smo^ng, 84 ; conun- drums, 85 ; \vrites from Chel- tenham, 87; from Hastings, 90 ; gives her opinion of the rela- tive merits of Margate and Brighton, 96 ; contemplates the collection of her Letters into a volume, 102 ; writes from Gravesend, 105 ; her opinions on Popery, ih. ; at the Royal Academy, 108 ; at the Chiswick Fete, 111 ; writes from Walmer about the collection of her Let- ters under the title of The Ramsbottom Papers, 117 ; in a *' pick of trubbles," 118 ; her opinions on public events, 120 ; declares herself a convert to " Reform," 123 ; on the House of Lords, 128 ; a next door neighbour of, 393 Ray's English Proverbs, 237 Rogers, Samuel, 75, 78, 178, 389 Russell, Lord John, 164 ; the " widow's mite," 573 Sheridan, Tom, Adventure of, 499 Summary Proceedings of Winter, 563 Sussex, Duke of, 211 Swift's Directions to Sei^ants, 333 Tentamen, 23, 207-246 Terry, Daniel, acts in a farce of Theodore Hook's, 14; joins Hook in The Arcadian, 24 Thirty-nine Articles, the, 562 Twining' s Tea, 522 Vacation Reminiscences, 159 Venice Preserved, 513 Ward, Mr., his Allegorical Picture of Waterloo, 249 Warren's Blacking, 564 Wine-cellar and the Book-seller, the, 565 Wood, Matthew, satirised under the name of Whittington, 23, 210 ; mentioned scepius in the Political Songs Watsou and Hazell, Printers, London and Aylesbmy. Clarendon House, upon llu: site and with the matenah of which 74, Piccadilly, uas built. ^'Sefi EvT.tTN VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS. Special List for 1873. *#* Note. — In order to ensure the correct delivery of the actual Works C)' Particular Editions specified in this List, the Name of the Publisher 3HOULD BE DISTINCTLY GIVEN. Stamps OT a Post-Offi.ce Order may le remitted direct to the Publisher, who will forward peii' return. When " DIRECT application " is requested, the Trade will please com- manicate with Mr. Hotten. The uncertain and cvanegceiit character of aWhoolcs illustrated hy Thotography is so noell known, that it was thought a Gathering of our finest Modern Paintings, engraved upon Steel in the highest style of art, would form an acceptable Gift-Book. BEAUTIFUL PICTURES BY BRITISH ARTISTS. A Gathering of Favourites from our Picture Galleries, 1800-1870. Including- examples by Wilkie, Constable, J. M. W. Turner, MuLREADY, Sir Edwin Landseer, Maclise, Leslie, E. M. Ward, Frith, John Gilbert, Ansdell, Marcus Stone, Sir Noel Paton, Eyre Crowe, O'Neil, Faed, Madox Brown. All Engraved in the highest style of Art by the most Eminent Enghsh Engravers. Edited, with Notices of the Artists, by Sydney Armytage, M.A. The whole forming a Magnificent Volume, in imperial 4to, bound in Byzantine cloth gilt, ^is. ^\* The value of the Painting's here indelibly reflected by the engraver's ?Jt- is estimated at ;^5o,ooo. It is an Aet Lj:/K foe all time. MRON PEN LEY'S SKETCHING IN WATER COLOURS. 21s. By the Author of '" The Enghsh School of Painting in Water- Colours," «S:c. Illustrated with beautiful Chromo-Litho- GRAPHS, produced -wdth the utmost care to resemble original Watkr-Colour Drawings. Small folio, the text tastefully printed, in handsome binding, gilt edges, suitable for the Draw- ing-room table, price 21s. *»♦ It has long been felt that the magnificent work of the great English master of Painting in Water-colours, published at Z^^s.,wastoo dear for general circulation. The above embodies ail theinstructions of the distinguished author, imthfine Specimens of Water-colour Fainting. A most chabming Pbeskkt poe a Yovsg Laux. John Camdkn Hottkn, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, London. Very Important New Books. ^ trulM iWagnificcnt ^KEorfe. "LIVES OF THE SAINTS." Enriched witH 51 exquisite Full-page Miniatures, in Gold and Colours. Every page of th-> Text within Engraved Borders of Beautiful Design. In thick 4to, sumptuously printed, and bound in silk velvet, enriched with gold, preserved in a case, £7 7s. ; in morocco, extra gUt, inlaid, ;^io 15s. THIS VEIiT IMPORTANT WORK, commenced three years since, has ot length been completp.d, and fully justifies the high expectations formed of it during its progress through the press. Taking the text of the Rev. Allan Butler as his guide, the Editor has, wherever practicable, carefully verified the references of that eminent ■divine. The delicacy and finish of the beautiful miniatures have never before been apjyroached in any similar work in this country. They exhibit a beauty and exquisite softness of colour which have hitherto only been realized by the most expensice miniature paintings. The work must be seen to he appreciated, as it is like no other of the kind. The preparation has been so cosily and sloic, that the book is never likely to decrease iu t)alue. SAINT URSULA, Princess of Britain, and her Companions. With 25 Full-Page 4to Illuminated Miniatures from the Pictures of Cologne, and exquisitely designed Woodcut Borders. In crown 4to, beautifully bound in satin and gold, £s ^S^* **• The Finest Book-Pahttings op thk kind eveb Published. The Aetist OBTAINED THE GoLD PeIZE AT THE PaEIS ExPOSITIOIT. TSE BOOK MUST BE SEEN TO BE APPRECIATED. The Illustrations are exact reproductions of the exquisite paintings of the Van Eyck nchool, and in finish and beauty are far above any similar book-paintings issued in this eountry. As the preparation of the work has been so costly and slow, it is never likely to decrease in value. d^qtit^itc ii^tittaturc^ antf 3ETlumtnalt0n^. "GOLDEN VERSES FROM THE NEW TESTAIVIENT." With 50 Illuminations and Miniatures from celebrated Missals and Books of Hours of the 14th and 15th Centuries, in Gold and Colours. The Text very beautifully printed in Letters of Gold on fine Ivory Paper. ^ 4to, in a handsome cloth case, with silk ribbons, 30s. ; or bound in a volume, morocco, gilt edges, £2. 5s. ALBERT DURER'S "LITTLE PASSION," as Engraved by the distinguished Artist in 1509-10 ; consisting of 37 inimitable Designs upon Wood. With a Survey of Durer's Works by W. G. Prime. Eoyal 4to. The Illustrations in exquisite facsimile, emble- matic binding, 25s. *^* Only 100 copies of this beautiful hook were printed. BRUNET'S MANUEL DU LIBRAIRE, 5 vols, royal 8yo, half morocco, top edge gilt, 25s. only. John Camden Hotten, 74 and jSt Piccadilly, London, Very Important New Books. CURIOSITIES GF LONDON. Exhibiting the most Rare and Eemarkable Objects of Interest in the Metropolis ; with nearly Sixty Years' Personal Recollections. By John Timbs, F.S.A. New Edition, Corrected and Enlarged, 21s. *«,* "A most vnluahle and interesting work, and a mine of information to all who desire any particulars about London, pant and present. It contains nearly i,ooo closely printed pages." Bow Chuech AiTD Chbapsidh, 1750. LONDON CHARACTERS: The Humour, Pathos, and Feculiariiies of London Life. By Henby Mayhew (Author of " London Labour and the London Poor ") and other Writers. With upwards of 70 Characteristic Illustrations of London Life, Crown 8vo, 480 pages, 7s. 6d. KNIGHT'S (Charles) PICTORIAL HISTORY OF LONDON, Aiicient and Modern. With nearly 700 Engravings of Buildings, Antiquities, Costumes, Remarkable Characters, Curiosities, &c., &c. 6 vols., imp. 8vo, bound in 3, cloth neat, 35s. *,* The most delightful hook ever written about Old and Modem London. It is a perfect mine of information, and should be in fvery English Library. If looked at from the point of cheapness alone, the work is a perfect marvel, containing as it doe& more than 2,500 lav je and handsomely printed pages, crowded with pictures. JcEM Camden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadillt, London. Very Important New Books. THE HISTORY OF ADVERTISING, in all Ages and Coun- tries. A Companion to the " Histoey of Signboards." With many- very amusing Anecdotes and Examples of Successful Advertisers. By Messrs. Larwood and Hotten. \_In preparation. MARY HOLLIS : A Romance of the Days of Charles II. and William Prince of Orange. From the Dutch of H. J, Schimmel, " the Sir Walter Scott of Holland." 3 vols., tr. 8vo, £1 iis. 6d. *^,* This novel relates to one of the vwnt interesting periods of our history. It haa created the greatest excitement on the Continent, where it quickly passed through several editions. It is now translated from, the Dutch with the assistance of the author. New Series of Illustrated Humorous Novels. 1. THE STORY OF A HONEYMOON. By Chas. H. Ross and Ambrose Clarke. With numerous Illustrations, crown 8vo, cloth gilt, 6s. *** An inimitable story of the adventures and troubles of a newly-married couple. Not unlike Mr. Burnatid's "Happy Thoughts." 2. CENT PER CENT. ; A Story Written upon a Bill stamp. By Blanchard Jerrold. With numerous Illustrations. Crown 8vo, cloth gilt, 6s. *** A capital novel, "intended not only for City readers, but for all interested in money matters." — Athenxum. MELCHIOR GORLES. Bj Henry Aitchenbie. 3 vols., Svo, _;^i IIS. 6d. *** The New Novel, illustratiee of '^ Mesmeric Influence" or ichatever else we may choose to term that strange power which some persons exercise over others. YANKEE DROLLERIES. Edited by George Augustus Sala. Containing Artemtjs Ward, Biglow Papers, Orpheus C. Kerr, Major Jack Downing, and Nasby Papers. One of the Cheapest Books ever published. New Edition, on toned paper, cloth extra, 700 pages, 3s. 6d. MORE YANKEE DROLLERIES. A Second Series of Cele- brated Works by the best American Humorists. Artemtjs Ward's Travels ; Hans Breitmann ; Professor at the Breakfast- Table ; Biglow Papers, Part II. ; Josh Billings. Introduction by G. A. Sala. Cr. Bvo, 700 pages, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. Third" Supply of YANKEE DROLLERIES. The best recent Works of American Humorists. A. Ward's Fenians, Mark Twain, Autocrat of the Breakfast Table, Bret Harte, Innocents Abroad. Introduction by G. A. Sala. Crown Svo, 700 pages, cloth extra, 3s. 6d: *^* An entirely nmo gathering of Transatlantic humour. Fourteen thousand copies have been sold of the first and second series. John Camden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, London. Very Important New Books. GEORGE COLMAN'S HUMOROUS WORKS. BROAD GRINS. My Nightgown and Slippers, and otlier Humorous Works, Prose and Poetical, of George COLMAN the Younger. Now first col- lected, with Life and Anecdotes of tho Author, by George B. Buckstone. Crown 8vo, 500 pages, 7s. 6d. *«* Admirers of genuine eld English Kit and humour — irresistible and always freth — will be delighted with the collected edition of George Colinan'g humorous works. As a wit, he has had no equal in our time ; and a man with a tithe of his ability could, at the present day, make the fortune of any one of our so-called '' comic journals," and bankrupt the rest. Are you Engaged ? If so, procure ADI//CE TO PARTIES ABOUT TO MARRY. A Series of Instruc- tions in Jest and Earnest. By the Hon. Hugh Rowley. With Humorous Illustrations. Price 3s. 6d., elegantly bound. *»* Before taking the " auful plunge" be sure to consult this little work. If it is not a guarantee against life-long misery, it will at least be found of great assistance ill selecting a partner for life. SEYMOUR'S SKETCHES. A Companion Volume~ to " Leech's Pictures." The Book of Cockney Sports, Whims, and Oddities. Nearly 200 highly amusing Illustrations. Oblong 4to, a handsome volume, half morocco, price 12s. *^* A re-issue of the famous pictorial comicalities which were so popular thirty yearg ago. The volume is admirably adapted for a table-book, and the pictures will doubtless again meet with that popularity which was extended towards them when the artist pro- jected with Mr. Dickens the famous "I'ick' wick Papers." THE GENIAL SHOWMAN; or, Adventures with Arfcmus Ward, and the Story of his Life. By E. P. Hingstox, companion of Arte- mus Ward during the latter' s Ad- ventures. Cheap and popular Edition, cr. 8vo, illustrated by Brunton, 7s. 6d. •*• This is a most interesting work. It gives Sketches of Show-Life in the Far West, on the Pacific Coast, among the Mines of California, in Salt Lake City, and across the Mocky Mountain* ; including chapters descrip- tice ofArtemus Ward's visit to England. John Camden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadlllt, London. Very Important New Books. Capital Shilling Books. BISMARCK : The Story of his Career, told for Popular Reading. By Mr. Geo. Bullen^ of the British Museum, is. *,* An admirable accoimt of the "Man of Blood and Iron;" giving numerous very characteristic anecdotes. THE CONSCRIPT: A Story of the French and German War of 1813. By MM. Erckmann-Chat'Sian. is. *,* The only unabridged English translation published. WATERLOO. A Story of the War of 7874. By MM. Erckmann-Chateian. The only unabridged translation, is. KILLED AT~SAARBRilCK: An Englishman's Adventures during the War. By Edward Legge, Correspondent at the Seat of War. Cloth, as. 6d. ; paper, is. NEVER CAUGHTTThethrifling Narrative of a Blockade Runner during the American War. is. CHIPS FROM A ROUGH LOG. Amusing Account of a Voyage to the Antipodes, is. THACKERAY, the Humourist and Man of Letters. A story of his Life. By the Author of the " Life of Dickens." is. WWARD'PAVus'New Story Boob, Lord BYRON in LOYe, &G. IS. MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. A deliglitful Adaptation. By Orpheus C. Kerr, is, POLICEMJnY : His Opinions on War and the Milling tary. With Illustrations by Soden. Cloth, 2s. 6d. ; paper, is. *** Headers of Thackeray's " Policeman X Ballads " will be much amussd with the " Opinions " of his brother ojjtcer, " Foliceman Y." BIGL6W~PAPERS. By J. rT Lowell. The lest and fullest edition of these Humorous and very Clever Verses, is. 6RWEUSl)71(TRR'J6ffile^S'eeherYP^ Newell. A most mirth-provoking work. is. JMh~bIlLINGS : His Book of Sayings. ExceeiTingly droll, and of world-wide reputation, is. VERE l/EJEKER''S~IMGlMCEr'Bj Tom Hood. A d7- lightful piece of humour. Idiotically illustrated by Brunton. is WIT AND HUMOUR. Verses by O. W. Holmes, Author of the '• Autocrat of the Breakfast Table." is. John Camden Hotter, 74 and js, Piccadilly, Jondon. Very Important New Books. The Standard Edition. ROBINSON CRUSOE, Profusely Illustrated by Ernest Griset, Edited, with a New Account of the Origin of Eobinson Crusoe, by William Lee, Esq. Crown 8vo, 5s. *»* This edition deserves special attention from the fact that it is the only correct one that has been printed since the time of Defoe, By the kindness of Mr. Lee a copy of the rare and valuable original, in three vols., was deposited with the printers during the progress of the work, and all those alterations and blunders which have been dii' covered in every recent edition are in this case avoided. There is no living artist better adapted to the task of illustrating Crusoe than Ernest Griset. LEGENDS OFSAVAGE LIFE. By James Greenwood, the famous Atithor of " A Night in a Workhouse." With 36 inimitably droll Illustrations, drawn and coloured by Ernest Griset, the " English Gustavo Dorc." 4to, coloured, 7s. 6d. ; plain, 5s. »*^ Thejjictures are among the most surprising which have comefroin this artisfs pencil. " A Munchausen sort of book. The drawings by M. Griset are very power- ful and eccentric." — Saturday Review. Walk up ! Walk up ! and see the fOOL'S PARADISE ; with the Many Wonderful Adven- tures there, as seen in the strange, surprising PEEP-SHOW OF PROFESSOR WOLLEY COBBLE, Earee Showman these Five-and-Twenty Years. y.B. — Money Eeturned if the Performance not Approved of. Private Parties a. tended on the Shortest Notice. Price 7s. 6rf. Urown 4to, with nearly 200 immensely funny Pictures, all beautifully Coloured. //-v/v v -/'■ Thb Pbofbssoe's rsic Lessox. 07ie of the drollest, most comical books ever published. THE HATCHET-THROWERS. With Thirty-six Illustra- tions, coloured after the inimitably grotesque Drawings of Ernest Griset. 4to, cloth gilt, 7s. 6d. ; plates imcoloured, 5s. *»" Comprises the astonishing adventures of Three Ancient Mariners, the Brotherf Brass oj Bristol, Mr. Corker, and Mungo Midge. JoHK Camden Hotten. 74 and 75, Piccadilly, London, Very Important New Books. WORKS BY BRET HARTE, Widely Kifowx fob theib Exquisite Pathos and Delightful Humouk. ^i" Blackwood's Magazine goes into raptures over this Author, and gives page after page to prove that he is a literary star of undoubted brilliancy. 1. LUCK OF ROARING CAMP, and other Stones. By Bret Harte. Crown 8vo, toned paper, 3s. 6cZ. ; a paper edition, is. *^* The "Saturday Review " devoted three columns to the praise of these marvel- lous stories. " Chambers's Journal " gives several pages under the heading, " A New Transatlantic Geyiius." The "Spectator" is delighted with this new author ; and readers are everywhere asking for his books. 2. THA T HEA THEN CHINEE, and other Humorous Poems. By Bret Harte. Cloth, very neat, 2s. 6cZ. ; paper, is. 6(1. *i^* An entirely new style of hximour. Since the publication of these poems in this country, extracts from them have been copied and re-copied into every newspaper through- out the country, giving the public an infinity of delight. 3. sen's ATI ON NOVELS. Condensed by Bret Harte. Price 2s. 6cZ., cloth, neat ; or, in paper, is. 6d. *^* A most enjoyable book. Here are the titles of some of the " Sensation Novels :'* Selina Sedilia : by Miss M. E. B-dd-n and Mrs. H-n-y W-d. Fantine : after the French of Victor Hugo. Terence Deuville : by Ch-l-s L-v-r. The Dweller on the Threshold : by Sir Ed-d L-tt-n B-lw-r. The Ninety-nine Guardsmen : by Al-x-a-d-r D-m-s. Mb. Midshipman Beeezt, A Naval Officer: by Captain M-rry-t, R.N. Guy Heavystone; or, "Entire;" A Muscular Novel : by the Author of " Sword and Gun." The Haunted Man : A Christ- mas Story : by Ch-r-s D-c-k-ns. Mary McGillup : A Southern Novel : after Belle Boyd. Miss Mix : by Ch-l-tte Br-nte. No Title : by W-lk-e C-ll-ns. 4 LOTH AW : or, The Adventures of a Young Gentleman in Search of a Esligion. By Mr. Benjamins (Bret Harte) . Price 6d. Curiously Illustrated, *^* A most mirth-making little volume. Headers of a recent popular novel will enjoy it with considerable relish. It is so droll, so entirely new, that it cannot fail to amuse. h7niustratedTdli[on~ofTHA tIiEA THEN^HINEE, and Poems. By Bret Harte. With " That Heathen Chinee " set to Music by Stephen Tucker, Author of " Beautiful Isle of the Sea." Cloth, very neat, 3s. 6cZ, *^* These are tlfc Illustrations which have so tickled our American cousins. There's a sort of " klck-up-your-heels" delight about them. In a word, they're immense ! 6. EAST AND~WEST. The' Neio Volume oFVerse." By Bret Harte, Author of "That Heathen Chinee." Cloth, very neat, 2s. 6d. ; or in paper, is. 6d. *^* Headers who found pleasure in reading this Author's first books will not be disappointed with this new work. Companion to Bret Harte's " Heathen Chinee." LITTLE BREECHES, and other Pieces, Descriptive and Pathetic. By Col. John Hat. Cloth, neat, 2s. 6d. ; in paper, is. 6J. *** The dramatic fire and vigour of these FIKE COU NTT BALLADS will startle English readers. The last lines of the first ballad are simply terrific,— something entirely different from what any English author tcould dream of, much less put on paper. John Camden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, London. Very Important New Books. New Book on the London Parks. THE STORY OF THE LONDON PARKS. By Jacob Lap.wood. With numerous Illustrations, Coloured and Plain. Vol. I., Hyde Park ; Vol. II., St. James's Park and the Green Park. Price i8s. tho Two Volumes. *«* Tkit is a new and most interesting KorTc, giving a complete JSiniorji of fhrfe fa- vourite out-of-door resorts, from the earliest period to the present time. The fashions, the promenades, the rides, the revietcs, and other disp!ai/s in the Parks, from the merry days vf Charles II. down to the present airings in Eotten How and drives "around the ring," are all fully given, together with the exploits of bold highwaymen and the duels of rival lovers, and other appellants to the Code of Honour. SKETCHES OF IRISH CHARACTER. By Mrs. S. C. Hall. With numerous Illustrations on Steel and Wood, by Daniel Maclise, R.A., John Gilbert, W. Harvey, and G. Cruikshank. 8vo, pp. 450, cloth, gilt edges, 7s. 6(1. •^* One of the viost delightful of this favourite Author's worJcs. Asapictureof Irish domestic life it has no superior. "The Irish Sketches of this lady resemble Miss Mitford's beautiful English Sketches in ' Our Villape.' but they are far more vigorous and picturesque and bright." — Blackwood's Magazine. DRblLS'OF OLD CORNWALL ; or, Popular Romances of the West of England. Collected and Edited by Robert Hunt, F.R.S. Kew Popular Edition, complete in one vol., with Illustra- tions by George Cruikshank. Price 7s. 6d. ♦,• "Mr. Hunt's charming book on the DrollB and Stories of the West of England." — Saturday Review. John Camden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, London. Very Important New Books. WORKS BY MARK TWAIN WlDELT KnOWIT foe THEIB FbESH AND DELIGHTFUL HUMOUB. 1.— PLEASURE TRIP ON THE CONTINENT OF EUROPE. By Mark Twain. 500 pages, 2s. ; or in cloth, 3s. *^* Twain's Pleasure Trip is also issued in two-vol. form under the title of 2.— 'THE INNOCENTS ABROAD." By Mark Twain. THE VOYAGE OUT. Cloth, neat, fine toned paper, "Superior Edition," 3s. 6d. ; or in paper, is. ^.—THE NEW PILGRIM'S PROGRESS. By Mark Twain. THE VOYAGE HOME. Cloth, neat, fine toned paper, " Superio r Edition," 3s. 6d. ; or in jjaper, is. *** Headers tcJio approved of tJilg Author's quaint story of " The Jumping Frog," will be very well satisfied with the" New Pilgrim's Progress : " there has been no work like it issued here for years. A.— BURLESQUE "AUTOBIOGRAPHY," "FIRST ME- BIjEVAL romance;' and "ON children." By Mark Twain. 6d. ^,—THE JUMPING FROG, and other Humorous Sketches. By Mark Twain, is. " An inimitably funny hook."— Saturday JReview. Q.— EYE-OPENERS. A volume of immensely Funny Sayings, and Stories that will bring a smile upon the gruffest countenance. By the celebrated Mark Twain. Cloth, neat, 2s, 6d. j Cheap Paper Edition, is. 7.— SCREAMERS. A Gathering of Delicious Bits and Short Stories, by the renowned Mark Twain. Cloth, neat, 55. 6d. ; Cheap Paper Edition, is. John Camden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly London. Very Important New Books. hU GICIA N'S OWN BOOK. Containing Ample Instructions for Performance in Legerdemain, Cups and Balls, Egos, Hats, Handkerchiefs, &c. By the Author of " The Secret Out." All from Actual Experience, and Edited by W. H. Cremer, Jun., of Eegent Street. With 200 Illustrations, 4s. 6cZ. THE SECRET OUT; or, One Thousand Tricks with Cards, end other Recreations J with Entertaining Experiments in Drawing- Room or " White Magic." By the Author of the " Magician's Own Book." Edited by W. H. Cremer, Jun., of Regent Street. With 300 Engravings. Crown 8vo, cloth, 4s. 6d. *«• These Books are complete Cyciopcedins of Legerdemain. Under the title of " Le Magicien des Salons" the first has lo)tg been a standard Magic Book tcith all Freiich and German Professors of the Art. The tricks are described so carefully, with engravings to illustrate them, that anybody can easily learn how to perform them. ENTIRELY NEW GAMES. THE IVIERRY CIRCLE. A Book of New, Graceful, and Intellectual Games and Amusements. Edited by Mrs. Clara Bellew. Crown 8vo, nwmerous Illustrations, 4s. 6d. *^* Anew and capital book of Household Amusements. These are in every way IntelUctiuil Games, and will jyleate both old and young. It is an excdlent book to •consult before going to an evening party. THE ART~OF AMUSING. A Collection of Graceful Arts, Games, Tricks, Puzzles, and Charades, intended to amuse every- body, and enable all to amuse everybody else. By Frank Bellew With nearly 300 Illustrations. Crown 8vo, 45. 6d. *»* One of the most entertaining handbooks for amusement ever published. NOTICE.— Of the four hoo1:s offered above, the first is the most Advanced in the Mysteries of White Magic. The second is a capital Beginners' Book on the Wonderful Art of Conjuring. The third work, " The Merry Circle" is a hook of an Advanced Character in Family Amusements, and requires considerable judgment on the part of the players. The last work is a capital introductory hook to the Art of Amusing generally. John Camden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, London. Very important Nsw Books. WOEKS OF THE LATE AETEMUS WAED. New Edition, price is. ; by post is, 2d. ARTEMUS WARD : HIS BOOK. The Author's Enlarged Edition. With Notes and Introduction by the Editor of the "Biglovr Papers." One of the wittiest, and certainly one of the most mirth-provok- ing', books pubUshed for many years. Containing the whole of the Original, with the following extra chapters : — Babes in the "Wood : Tavern Accom- modation, Betsy-Jain-Re-Orgunized; A. Ward's First Umbrella; Brig- ham Young's Wives ; Artemus Ward's Brother ; Mormon Bill of Fare. NOTICE. — Mr. Hotten's Edition is the only one published in this comttry with the sanction of the Author. The Saturday Reviete says of Mr. Hotten's edition: "The author combines the powers nf Thackeray with those of Albert Smith. The salt is rubbed in by a native hand — one which has the gift of tickling." "We never, not even in the pages of our best humorists, read anything so laughable and so shrewd as we have seen in this book by the mirthful Axtemus."— Public Opinion. ARTEMUS WARD: His Trauefs Among the Mormons and on the Bampaffe. Edited by E. P. Hingston, the Agent and Companion of A. Wabd whilst "on the Rampage." New Edition, price is. *;(,* Some of Artemus'' s most mirth-provoJcinc/ 2mpers are to be found in this book. The chapters upon the Mormons will unbend the sternest countenance. As bits of fun they are immense ! ARTEMUS WARD AMONG THE FENIANS: ~wiih~ihe Showman's Experiences of Life at Washington, and Military Ardour at Baldins- ville. Toned paper, price 6d. ; by post, jd. ARTEWufWARD'STECnJREA T THE EGYPTIAN HALL, with the Panorama. Edited by the late T. W. Robeetson (Author of "Caste," "Ours," "Society," &c.) and E. P. HiifGSTOir. Small 4to. exquisitely printed, bound in green and gold, with n umebotjs Tinted Illus- trations, price 6s. " Mr. Hotten has conceived the happy idea of printing Artemus Ward's ' Lecture ' in such a way as to afford the reader an accurate notion of the emphasis, by-play, &c., with which it was. delivered. We have no hesitation in saying that Mr. Hotten has almost restored the great humourist to the flesh." — Daily Telegraph. " The -tomahawk fell from our hands as we roared with laughter— the pipe of peace slipped from between oiu: lips as oiu: eyes filled with tears ! Laughter for Artemus's wit — tears for his untimely death! This book is a record of both. Those who never saw Artemus in the flesh, let them read of him in the STpirit."— Tomahawk. "It actually reproduces Ward's Lecture, which was brimful of first-class wit and humour." — Daily News. "It keeps j'ou in fits of laughter." — Leader. "One of the choice and curious volumes for the issue of which Mr. Hotten has becomo famous." —City Press. "The Lecture is not alone droll : it is full of information."— JBxaminold a large number at £2 per copy. The designs have been universally admired by both artists and poets. echoes" FROM THE FRENCH POETS. An Antholocry from Baudelaire, Alfred de Musset, Lamartine, Victor Hugo, A. Chenier, T. Gautier, Beranger, Nadaud, Dupont, Parny, and others. By Harry Curwen. Fcap. 8vo, cloth, 55. ; half -morocco, 6s "A pleasant little volume of translations from modern French poets."— Oraphic, Aug. 20, 1870. FA/R ROSAMOND, and other Poems. By B. Mont- gomerie Ranking (of the Inner Temple). Fcap. Svo, price 6s. John Camden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, London. Very Important New Books. OHARLES DICKENS— The Story of his Life. By the Author of "The Life of Thackeray." Price ys. 6d., with nume- rous Portraits and Illustrations, 370 pp. " Anecdotes seem to have poured in upon the author from all quarters. . . Turn where we will through these 370 n- .cant pacres, some- ihinj; worth reading is sure 1 meet the eye. ' '—The Stan- dard. Dichens's Life : An- oth.er Edition, without Illnstrations, uniform with the "Charles Dickens Edition," and fornoing a Supple- mentary Volume to that favourite issue, crimson cloth, 3s. 6d. DlCKKH-S'S SUMilKR HOCSB. Dickens's Life. — Cheap Populae Edition, in paper, 25. DICKENS'S SPEECHES, Literary and Social.— ^ow first collected. With Chapters on " Charles Dickens as a Letter Writer, Poet, and Public Reader." Price js. 6d., with Fine Portrait by Count D'Orsay, 370 pages. *** "His capital speeches. Everyone of them reads like a page of ' Piclrwick.' " —The Critic. " His speeches are as good as any of hi3 printed writings." — The Times. Dickens's Speeches. — Uniform with the " Charles Dickens Edi- tion," and forming a Supplement- ary Volume to that favourite issue, crimson cloth, 3s. 6d. Dickens's Speeches. — Cheap Edition, without Portrait, in paper wrapper, 2*. HUNTED DOWN. A Story by Charles Dickens. Witli some Account of Wainewright, the Poisoner. Price 6d. *»• j^i powerful and intensely thrilling story, now first printed in book'form in this country. John Camden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, London. Very Important New Books. For Gold and Silversmiths. PRIVATE BOOK OF USEFUL ALLOYS AND MEMORANDA for GOLDSMITHS and JEWELLERS. By James E. Collins, C.E., of Birmingham, Eoyal i6mo, 3s. 6d. *^* The secrets of the Gold and Silversmiths^ Art are here given, for the benefit of yonnp Apprentices and Practitioners. It is an invaluable book to the Trade. THE STANDARD WORK ON DIAMONDS AND PRECIOUS STONES : their History, Value, and Properties ; with Simple Tests for ascertaining their Reality. By Harrt Emanuel, F.R.G.S. "With numerous Illustrations, tinted and plain. New Edition, Prices brought down to the present time, full gilt, 6s. *'Will be acceptable to many readers."— Ti/nes' review of three columns. " An invaluable work for buyers and sellers." — Spectator. *** This Second Edition is greatly superior to the previous one. It gives the latest market value for Diamonds and Frecious Stones of every size. GUNTER'S MODERN CONFECTIONER. The Best Book on Confectionery and Desserts. An Entirely New Edition of this Standard Work, adapted for Private Families or Large Establish- ments, By William Jeanes, Chief Confectioner at Messrs. Gunter's, Berkeley Square. With Plates, 8vo, cloth, 6s. 6d. -''■ All housekeepers should have it." — Daily Telegraph. *** Thisivork has won for itself the reputation of being the Standard English Book on the jyreparation of all kinds of Confectionery, and on the arrangement of Desserts. hMse1(eWer'¥1\ssistant7"^ co^^io^oTi^Q most valuable Eecipes, carefully written down for future use by Mrs. B , ■during her Forty Years' active Service. Cloth, price 2s. 6d. *** As much as two ijuineas have been paid for a co-py of this invaluable little work. the' YOUNG BOTANIST: A PoDular Guide~io~Elemen- tary Botany. By T S. Ralph, of the Linnsean Society. In i vol., with 300 Drawings from Nature, 2s. 6d. plain ; 4s. Coloured by hand. *** An excellent book for the young beginner. The objects selected as illustrations arc either easy of access as specimens of wild plants, or are common in gardens. CHAMPAGNE : its History, Manufacture, Properties, Sfc. By Charles Tovey, Author of " Wine and Wine Countries," "British and Foreign Spu-its," &c.,Cr. 8vo, numerous illustrations,5s. *** A practical work, by one of the largest champagne merchants in London. BRIGHAM'S {Dr. A.) MENTAL EXERTION: Its In- fluence on Health. With Notes and Remarks on Dyspepsia of Literary Men. By Arthur Leared, M.D. 8vo, boaards, is. 6d. John Camden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, London. Very Important New Books. NAPOLEON III., THE MAN OF HIS TIME: Part I. — The Story of the Life of Napoleon III., as told by Jas. "W. Haswell. Part II.— The Same Story, as told by the Popular Caricatures of the past Thirty-five Years. Crown 8vo, 400 pages, js. 6d. *«♦ The object of this Worh ix in n'rnp 2^ofh Side.: of the Stoiy. The Artint has gone orer the entire ground of Continental and English Caricatures for the latt third of a lontxry, and a very interesting hook is the result. CRUIKSHANK'S COMIC ALMANACK. A Nineteen Tears' gathering of the Best Humour, the Wittiest Sayings, the Drollest Quips, and the Best Things of Thackeray, Hood, May- hew, Albert Smith, A'Beckett, Robert Brough, 1835-1853. With nearly Two Thousand Woodcuts and Steel Engravings by the inimitable Cruikshank, Hine, Landells, &c. Two (Senes, ' _ Crown 8vo, ^-AJ'-'nr'S - each of 600 • pages, price ■js. 6(1. each. *»* A most ex- traordinary ga- thering of the best wit and humour of the past half- cen- tury. Meaders can purchase one Series and judge for themselves. The work forms a *' Comic Hix- fory of Eng- land" for twenty years. John Camden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, London. Very Important New Books. Original Edition of the Famous JOE /FILLER'S JESTS; the politest Repartees, most elegant Bon-Mots, and most pleasing short Stories in the English ^ Language. London : printed by T. Eead, 1739. Remarkable facsimile. 8vo, half morocco, price 9s. 6d. *,* ONLY A VERY FEW COPIES OF THIS HUMOEOUS AND BACY OLD BOOK RAVE BEEN REFItODUCED. HISTORY OF PLAYING CARDS. With Sixty curious Illus- trations, 550 pp., price 7*'. 6d. " A highly interesting volume."— 3/or?a'j?7 Fost. Anecdotes, Ancie>-t AND "MowEKN Games, cojfjuking, foetdne- Tellixg and Card- •Shahping, Skill and ISleisht of Hand, Gambling and Cal- culation, Cartomancy AND Cheating, Old Games and Gaming- houses, Card Revels AND Blind Hooket, PiCQUET AND VlNGT- ET-uN, Whist and Ceibbage, Old-Fash- lONED TeICKS. SLANG DICTIONARY; or, The Vulgar Words, Street Phrases, and ^^ Fast " Expressions of High and Low Society; many witli their Etymology, and a few with their History traced. With CURIOUS Illustrations. A New Dictionary of Colloquial English. Pp. 328, in Bvo, price 6s. 6d. .___ " It may be doubted if there exists a more amusing volume in the English ] anguage. " — -Spec- tator. ■' Valuable as a workof reference." — Saturday Iteview. All classes of @%!f-^i Sc^piian Sieroglj/phic verb, to be drunk, thdwing the ampUf tation of a tnan't leg. See under BeeakT Leg (vi«. £ce Two UPON Ten, in amusement and in • theDicfionari/,p.2. I CANEN and the late John Leech. Small 4to, elegant, uniform with " Pun- iana," 6s. COUNTRY-HOUSE CHARADES, for Acting. By Capt. E. C. Nugent. With Illustrations by W. E. Snow. Small 4to, green and gold, 6s. * ^,* An entirely new hook of Household Amuse- ments. An Appendix gives the various Songs set to Music for accompaniment upon the Pianoforte. 3. '• An awfully Jolly Book fob Parties." PUN/ AN A: \Thoughts Wise and Otherwise. Best Book of Eiddles and Puns ever formed. With nearly loo exquisitely fanciful Drawings. Contains nearly 3,000 of the best Eiddles and 10,000 most outrageous Puns, and is one of the most Popular Books ever issued. New Edition, uniform with the " Bab Ballads." Price 6.s. Why did Du Chaillu get to angry when he teas chaffed about the Gorilla ? — Why 2 ice ask. Why M a chrysalis like a hot roll ? — You will doubtless remark, " Because it's the grtih that makes the butter fiy ! " JBvt see " Puniana." Why is a wide-awake hat so called ? — Because it never had a nap, and never wants one. The Saturday Review a&ya of this most amusing work : — "Enonnous burlesque —unapproachable and pre-eminent. We venture to think that this very queer volume will be a favourite. It deserves to be so ; and we should suggest that, to a dull person desirous to pet credit with the young holiday people, it would be good policy to invest in the book, and dole it out by instalments." New Society Book by the Authob of " Puniana." 4. GAJ^OSAGA/iflf^ON ; or, Advice to Parties about to Connubialisc. By the Hon. Hugh EowLEY. With nume- rous exquisite and fan- ciful designs from his pencil. Small 4to, green and gold, 6s . *,* The Quaintest, Funniest, most Original Book published for a long time. John Camde^t Hotten. 74 ani> 75, Piccadilly, Lo^tdo:: Very Important New Books. .PIERCE EGAN'S ''FINISH" TO "LIFE IN AND OUT OF LONDON." Eoyal 8vo, cloth extra, with spirited Coloured Illustrations by Cruikshank, 21s. *** An extraordinary picture of "LoifDON' by Night" in the Days of George the Fourth. Atl the strange places of Amusement around Covent Garden and in St. James's are fully described, and very queer places they icere too ! LIFE IN LONDON ; or, The Day and Night Scenes of Jerry Hawthorn and Corinthian Torn. Crown 8vo. "With the WHOLE OF Cruikshank' s very Droll Illustrations, in Colours, after the Originals. Cloth extra, 7s. 6d. Tom and Jeekt Taking a Stroll. *«* One of the most popular hooks eoer issued. It was an immense favourite with I George IV., and as a picture of London life fffy years ago was often quoted by Thackeray, who devotes one of his " Boundabmit Papers" to a description of it. Clean Second-hand copies of this work always realize from £x to £-2. VYNER'S NOTITIA VeTaTICA : A Treatise on Fox- Hunting, the General Management of Hounds, and the Diseases of Bogs ; Distemper and Rahies ; Kennel Lameness, Sfc. Sixth Edition, Enlarged. By Robert C. Vyner, Esq., of Eathorpe Hall, War- wickshire. Royal 8vo. With spirited Illustrations in Colours, by Alken, of Memorable Fox-Hunting Scenes. 21s. *** An Entirely New Edition of the best work extant upon Fox-Hunting. "TOM SMITH." ^REMINISCENCES OF THE LATE THOMAS ASSHETON SMITH, Esq. ; or, The Pursuits of an English Country Gentleman. By Sir John E. Eardley Wilmot, Bart. With Illustrations Coloured and Plain. New Edition, uniform with Nimrod's " Chase, Turf, and Road." Price ys. 6d. ^FINE OLD HUNTING B00KS,^7tVcoloureV^PIates. MR. JORBOCKS'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES. LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF JACK MYTTON. ANALYSIS OF THE HUNTING FIELD. LIFE OF A SPORTSMAN. By NIMROD. Apply to Mr. Hotten Diu^CT for these books. John Camden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, London. Very Important New Books. HISTORY OF CARICATURE AND THE GROTESQUE in Art, Literature, Sculpture, and Painting, from the Earliest Times to the Present Bay. By Thomas Wriqet, F.S.A. (Author of " A Caricature History of the Georges.") 4to, profusely ilhistrated by FaIRHOLT. 2IS. *,♦ A valuable historical, and at the same time most entertaining work. The author's first idea was to call it a" History of Comic Literature and Art in Great Britain J' The illustrations are full of interest. GbOEGK III. WONDEKIXG HOW THE APPLKS GOT IXSIDE THB DUMPLIXGS. CARICATURE HISTORY OF THE GEORGES (House of Hanover J. Very Entertaining Book of 640 pages, with 400 Pi<3- tures, Caricatures, Squibs, Broadsides, Window Pictures. By T. Wright, F.S.A. 7s. 6d. *^* .Companion Volume to " Histon/ of Signboards." Reviewed in almost every JEnglish journal with the highest approbation. " A set of caricatures such as we have in Mr. Wright's volume brin^ the surface of the age before us with a vividness that no prose writer, even of the highest power, could emulate. Macaulay's most brilliant sentence is weak by the side of the Uttle woodcut from Gillray, which gives us Burke and Fox." — Saturday Meciew. " A more amusing work of its kind was never issued." — Art Journal. " It is emphatically one of the liveliest of books, as also one of the most interesting. It has the twofold merit of being at once amusing and edifying. The 600 odd pages which make up the goodly volume are doubly enhanced by some 400 illustrations, of which a dozen are full-page ones." — Morning Post. Large Paper Edition, 4to, only 100 printed, on extra fine paper, wide margins, for the lovers of choice books, with extra Portraits, half morocco (a capital book to illustrate), 30s. A Companion Table Book to " Leech's Sketches." MAIDEN HOURS AND MAIDEN WILES. Designed by "Beaujolais" (Captain Hans Busk). A Series of re- markably CLEVER Sketches, showing the Occupations of u Fashionable Young Lady at All Hours of the Day. With appro- priate Text. Folio, half morocco, blue and gold, gilt edges, los. 6d. John Camdbn Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, London. Very Important New Books. 4Q^r A Clever and Brilliant Book, Companion to the " Son Gaultier Ballads." PUCK ON PEGASUS. By H. C HOLMONDELEY PeNNELL. In 4to, printed within an India-paper tone, and elegantly bound, gilt, gilt edges, price los. 6d. only. *^* This most amusing work has already passed through Five Editions, receiving every- vhere the highest praise as " a clever and brilliant book." To no other tcork of the present day have so many distinguished Ar- tists contributed Itlustrations. To the designs of George Ceuikshank, John Leech, .'luLiAN PoRTCH, " Phiz," and other Artists, Sir Noel Patox, Millais, John Tennibl, Richard Dotle, and M. Ellen Edwards, have note contributed several exquisite pictures, thus making the New Edition — which is Twice 'the Size of the old one, and contains irresis- ^tibly funny pieces — the best book for the Drawing-room table now published. AUSTIN'S {Alfred) THE SEASON: A Satire. Elegantly bound for the Drawing-room, 5s. *^* An entirely New Edition of this famous Work, it having been out of print seven years. SIGNBOARDS: Their History. With Anecdotes of Famous Taverns and Remarhable Characters. By Jacob Larwood and John Camden Hotten. " A book which will delight all." — Spectator. Fourth Edition, 580 pp., price 7s. 6d. only. From the "Times." " It is not fair on the part of a reviewer to pick out the plums •of an author's book, thus filch- ing away his cream, and leav- ing little but skim -milk re- maining ; but, even if we were ever so mali- ciously inclined. Fromthe" Times.'* we could not in the present in- stance pick out all Messrs. Lar- wood and Hot- ten's plums, be- cause the good things are so numerous as to defy the most wholesale depre- dation." — Serieto of three columns. P ^1 BULL AND MOUTH. *^* Nearly 100 most curious illustrations on wood are given, showhi9..Kte various old signs which were formerly hung from taverns and other houses. ROMANCE OF THE ROD: An Anecdotal History of the Birch, in Ancient and Modem Times. With some quaint Illustra- tions. Crown 8vo, handsomely printed. [In ^preparation. John Camden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, London. Very Important New Books, THE FAMOUS "DOCTOR SYNTAX'S" THREE TOURS. One of the most amusing and Laughable Books ever published. With the whole of Eovvlandson's very droll full-page Illustrations, in Colours, after the Original Drawings. Comprising the well-known Tours — I. In Search of the Picturesque. | 2. In Search of Consolation. 3. In Search of a Wife. The Three Series Complete and Unabridged in One Handsome Volume with a Life of this industrious Author — the English Le Sage — now first written by John Casiden Hotten. This Edition contains the whole of the original, hitherto sold for 31s. 6d., now published at 7s. 6d. only. Uniform with "Wonderful Characters." REMARKABLE TRIALS AND NOTORIOUS CHARACTERS. From '• Half-Hanged Smith," 1700, to Oxford who shot at the Queen, 1S40. By Captain L. Benson. With spirited full-pago Engravings by Phiz. 8vo, 550 pages, ys. 6d. THE TRUE CONSOLER. *^* A Complete Librnj '/ ^ i^o' a Liternture ' Tiicio are jilofs enonqh here in produce a hundred "excifinry" Novels, and at least Jice hundred "jwwerful'^ Marjazine Stones. The book will be appreciated by all leaders whose taste hes tn this directum. Phiz's pictures are fully equal to those in "Master Humphrey's Clock." A Keepsake for Smokers. "THE SMOKER'S TEXT-BOOK." Bj J. Hamee, F.R.S.L. Exquisitely printed from " silver- faced " type, cloth, very neat, gilt edges, 2s. 6d., post free. "A pipe is a preat comforter, a pleasant soother. The man who smokes, thinks like a sage, and acts like a Samaritan." — Sulwer. "A tiny volume, dedicated to the vota- ries of the weed ; beautifully printed on toned paper, in, we believe, the smallest type ever made (cast especially for show at the Great Exhibition in Hyde Park), hut very clear, notwithstanding? its mi- nuteness. . . . The pages sing, in various styles, the praises of tobacco. Amongst the writers laid under contribution are Bulwer, Kingslcy, Charles Lamb, Tliack- erav, Isaac Browne, Cowper, and Byron." —the Field. J|E who doth I > hath (ither known no %nmt Ki^«'*- or refuMth himself the loflest coaaoUtion, nest to ih«t which eom«B from h««Trn "What mttfl^r than wonmn'*' whi.perm tha jroun^ ■ What wU hade with John Camden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, London. Very Important New Books. ORIGINAL EDITION OF BLAKE'S WORKS. NOTICE. — Mr. Hotten has prepared a few Facsimile Copies fexact •as to paper and printing — the watcr-colonr drawings being filled in by an ■artist) of the Original Edition of Blake's " Marriage of Heaven AND Hell." 4to, price 30s., half morocco. " Blake is a real name, I assure you, and a most extraordinary man he is. if he still be livincr. He is the Blake whose wild designs accompany a splendid edition of ' Blair's Grave.' He paints in water-colours marvellous strange pic- tures — visions of his brain — which he asserts he has seen. They have great merit. I must look upou him as one of the most extraordinary per.sons of the ape." — Chaelks Lamb. EMERSON. The Uncollected Writings, Essays, and Lectures of Ealph Waldo Emerson. With Introductory Preface by MONCURE Conway. 2vo1s.,8vo. By Arrangement with Mr. Emek ecu-. JNFELICIA. Poems by Adah Isaacs Menken. With NUMEROUS GRACEFUL DESIGNS ON WOOD. Dedicated, by per- mission, to Charles Dickens, with Photographic Facsimile of his Letter, and a Portrait of the Authoress. In green and gold, 5.S. 6d. "A pathetic little •volume exquisitely got up." — Sttn. " Few, if any, could have guessed the power .. and beauty of the thoughts that pos- : Bessed her soul, and found expression in language at once pure and melodi- ous." — Press. •' There is a pas- .sionate richness about many of the poems which is al- most startling." — Sunday Times. " What can we .say of this gifted and wayward wo- man, the existence of whose better nature will be sug- gested for the first lime to manj' by the posthumous disclo- sure of this book? We do not envy the man who, reading it, has only a sneer for its writer ; nor the woman who finds it in her heart to turn a way with aver- ted fa ce. ' ' — New York Bound TuVe. "An amusing lit- tle book, unhappily posthumous, which a distinguished wo- man has left as a legacy to mankind and the age." — Sa' turday Review. Fcap. 8vo, 450 pages, with fine Portrait and Autogi-aph, js. 6d WALT WHITMAN'S POEMS. (Leaves of Grass, Drum-- Taps, Sfc.) Selected and Edited by William Michael Eossetti. •' Whitman is a poet who bears and needs to be read as a whole, and then the volume and torrent of his power carry the -disfigurements along with it and •away. He is really a fine fellow." — Chambers's Jo?«j7y JVews, Feb. 12, 1868. "It is in every way worthy of Mr. Swinburne's high fame. In no prose work can be found passages of keener poetry, or more finished grace, or more impressive harmony. Strong, \'igorous, and mu- sical, the style sweeps on like a river." — The Sundaif Times, Jan. 12, 1868. IVIR. SW IN BURNERS SONG OF ITALY. Fcap. 8vo, toned paper, cloth, price 3s. 6d. *»• The AfhentBum remarks of this poem—" Seldom has such a chant been heard, so full of glow, strength, and colour." MR. SWINBURNE'S POEMS AND BALLADS. Fourth Edition. Price 9s. MR. SWINBURNE'S NOTES ON HIS POEMS, and on the Eevieirs v:hicli have appeared upon tlicm. Price i.<;. MR. SWINBURNE'S ATALANTA IN GALYDON. New Edi- tion. Fcap. 8vo, price 6s. MR. SWINBURNE'S CHASTELARD. A Tragedy. Kcw Edition. Price 7s. MR. SWINBURNE'S QUEEN MOTHER AND ROSAMOND, New Edition. Fcap. 8vo, price 5s. M^TswJnBURNE'S both well a New Poem. [In preparation John Camden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, London. Very Important New Books. *^* Mr. HoTTEN is enabled to afford most material and im- jportant assistance to all interested in Genealogical Inquiries^ difficult Pedigree Researches, or in the compilation of Famihj Histories. He has the folloiuing FAMILY HISTORIES FOR SALE :— FOBSTER and FOSTER FAMILIES. 4to. Illustrations, 31s. 6d. BAIRD FAMILY. Eoyal 8vo. Facsimiles. los. 6d. CHICHESTER and RALEIGH FAMILIES. 4to. Illustrations, 21s. ; with Arms emblazoned, 31s. 6d. MILLAIS FAMILY. With Etchings by Millais. 28s. WASHINGTON FABIILY. Preparing. COLE FAMILY. STUART FAMILY. Bvo, half morocco. 8s. 6d. GHICHELE FAMILY. (Contains Pedigrees of many other Families.) 4to. 17s. 6d. ROLL OF CAERLAVEROGK, with the Arms of the Knights and others present at the Siege of the Castle in Scotland, a.d. 1300. Emblazoned in Gold and Colours, 4to, 12s. MAGI\IA CHARTA. Exact Facsimile of the Original Docu- ment in the British Museum. With Arms and Seals of the Bakons emblazoned in Gold and Colours, a.d. 1215. 5s. *** Copied hy express permission, and the only correct drawing of the Great Charier ener taken. A full translation, with notes, price 6d. The Charter framed and (/lazed in curved oak, 22s. 6d. ROLL OF BATTLE ABBEY: A List of the Normans who came over rvith William the Conqueror, and settled in this Country, A.D. 1066-67. With Arms of the Barons emblazoned in Gold and Colours. Price 5.S. *«* A most curious document, and of the greatest interest to all of Norman descent. Tramed and glazed in carved oak, 22s. 6d WARRANT TO EXECUTE CHARLES I. Exact Facsimile, with the 59 Signatiores of Eegicides, and Seals. Price 2s. ; by post, 2s. 4cL *^* Very curious, and copiied hy fxpress permission. In carved oak and glazed, 148. 6d. WARRANT TO EXECUTE MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS. Exact Facsimile, with Signature of Queen Elizabeth, and Great Seal of England. Price 2s. ; by post, 2s. 40?. *** Very curious, and copied by express permission. In carved oak avd glazed, 148. 6d. John Camden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, London MR. HOTTEN'S NEW BOOKS OF HUMOUR. " The Public are indeUed to Mr. Hotten for the best collection o/humorous works in the English language; and living as we do in the midst of sufferings, anxieties, and serious occupations, which tend to produce solemn rather than light, blithesome thoughts, the public ought to be, and are, very much indebted to him" — Tablet, May 20, 1871. STORIES of the SI ERR/IS; and other Sketches. By BRET IT ARTE. With a Wild Story of Western Life by Joaquix Mtller, Author of •• Song^s of the Sierras." is., paper ; zs. 6d., cloth. *,* This work and " Lvck of Roaring Camp" give the whole o/ the exquisite sketches the author has written. They form the most complete collection published here or in America. " SHAVING THEM, ■" Aduen- tures of 3 Yankees on the Continent of Europe. By TITUS A. BRICK, E&d. IS., paper ; zs. 6d., cloth. *,* A most enjoyaUe hook. The wit and imprudence of these free-andeasif tourists will take the starch out of the sternest Britisher. PRACTICAL JOKES ; or, Mirth tcith Artenius Ward, and Other Papers. By MARK TWAIN, is., paper; zs. 6d.. cloth. *,* Brndfrs of genial Artemut Ward's hooks will here find some delightful reminis- ■Cfinc'S of " Dklicious Autkmus," a.« Charles Beade, the novelist, was wont to call the fopulnr humourist. The connection of two such names as Makk Twain a«d Aetkmus VVakd will indicate to the reader the pleasant feast in store for him. COUNTRY OF THE DWARFS {The). By Paul DU Chaillu. New book of hair-breadth escapes. Reveals a new world to the reader, is., paper ; 3s. 6i., cloth; full-page illustrations. Full of Astounding Adventures. Neiu and Foiverful Romance in the Style of Sir Walter Scott's Famous Novels. MARY MOLLIS: a Eomance of the Days of Charles II. and William Prince of Orange. This day, at all Libraries, price £1 lis. 6d. *,* Beaders who care for something entirely different from the ordinary run of novels will not he disappointed with this work. Prose Story of " The Bells," at Lyceum. POLISH JEW {The). From the French of MM. Erckman.v-Chatkian. Dramatisations of this story — more romantio and stirring than any of the authors' previous works — are being nightl/ performed at Lyceum and other theatres. Price is., by post is. zd. John Cahdbn Hotten, 74, and 75, Piccadilly, Londox. Very Important New Books. Hottens "Golden Library" OF THE BEST AUTHORS. *^* A charming collection of Standard and Favourite Works, elegantly printed in Handy Volumes, imiform with the Tauchnitz Series, and pub- lished at exceedingly loxu prices. The New Volumes are : — ROGHEFOUGA ULD. —Reflections and Moral Maxims, is.; cloth, IS. 6d. Essay by Sainte-Beuve. SHELLEY; -Poetical Works. From the Author's Original Editions. First Series, Queen Mab and Eaely Poems, is. 8c?. ; in cloth, 2s. id. HOLMES. -Autocrat of the Breakfast Table. IS. ; cloth, IS. 6 J. THE CLERGY. ■The Book of Clerical Anecdotes and Pulpit Eccentricities, is. 4^. ; cloth, is. lod. CHARLES LA f^lB. ■The Essays of Elia. Complete, Both Series, is. ; cloth, is. 6d. DICKENS^ ~^ife. By the Author of the " Life of Thackeray." 2s. DICKENS. Speeches upon Literary and Social Topics. 2s, "His Speeches are as c^oodasany of his printed writings." — The Times. ARTEMUS WARD. -In London ; with the " Pumch Letters, is. 6cL ; cloth, 2s. TENNYSON. —Old Prose Stories of Idylls of the King. IS. ; cloth, is. 6d. DISRAELI'S, GLADSTONE'S, AND BRIGHT'S SPEECHES in separate vols., at is. 4cl. ; cloth, is. locZ. Comprise all the Important Speeches of these Statesmen during the past -2$ years. CARLYLE. On the Choice of Books, is. ;cl. is.6d. Should be read and re-read by every young man in the three kingdoms. HOLMES. -Professor at the Breakfast Table. IS. ; cloth, IS. 6d. LEIGH HUNT Tale for a Chimney Corner, and other Essays, is. ^d. ; cloth, is. lod. HOOD, ■Whims and Oddities. 80 Illustra- tions. 2 Series, Complete, is. ; cloth, is. 6cL LELAND. -Hans Breitmann's Ballads, Com- plete. IS. ; cloth, IS. 6d. JonN Caudbn Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, London. t^ i- 824773 THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNI\ LIBRARY V