UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA AT LOS ANGELES 9 /'i,!;r,i.,i (',<';., ftritfl hr liuti-lt tini-JJariej . I>F.!.L AND PAVIE?, J K U N N, ^ J.ZA, MURRAY & HIGriLZY, A .S D J.ANDK.cN. J 79 S. T H E LIFE AND OPINIONS O F TRISTRAM SHANDY, GENTLEMAN. Multitudims imperitas non formido judicia, mtis ta- men, rogo, parcant opufculis in quibus fuit propofiti femper, a jocis ad feria, in ferns viciffim. ad jocos tranfire. JOAN. SARESBERIENSIS, Epifcspiu Lugduff. o T HK LIFE and OPINIONS OF ^TRISTRAM SHANDY, Gent. '*********************************** CHAP. I. jjr\ R E A T wits jump : for the mo- ^-* ment Dr. Slop caft his eyes upon his bag (which he had not done till the difpute with my uncle Toby about mid- wifery put him in mind of it) the very fame thought occurred. 'Tis God's mercy, quoth he (to himfelf) that Mrs.' Shandy has had fo bad a time of it, - elfe me might have been brought to bed feven times told, before one half of thefe knots could have got untied. - But here you muft diftinguifli the thought floated only in Dr, 8/op's mind, without fail or ballaft to it^ as a fimple propofl- tion; millions of which, as your wor- Ihip knows, are every day fwimnaing VOL. II. * ft THE LIFE AND OPINIONS quietly in the middle of the thin juice of a man's underftand ing, without being carried backwards or forwards, till fome little gufts of paflion or intereft drive- them to one fide. A fudden trampling in the room a- bove, near my mother's bed, did the propofition the very fervice I am fpeak- ing of. By all that's unfortunate, quoth Dr. Slop, unlefs I make hafte, the thing will actually befall me as it is. CHAP. II. T N the cafe of knots, by which, in the firft place, I would not be underftood to mean flip-knots becaufe in the courfe of my life and opinions my opinions concerning them will come in more pro- perly when I mention the cataftrophe of my great uncle Mr. Hammond Shandy,- - a little man, but of high fancy : he rumed into the duke of Monmottth's af- fair : nor, fecondly, in this place, do I mean that particular fpecies of knots called bow-knots; there is fo. OP TRISTRAM SHANDY. little addrefs, or ikill, or patience re- quired in the unloofing them, that they are below my giving any opinion at all about them. But by the knots I am fpeaking of, may it pleafe your reveren- ces to believe, that I mean good, honeft, devilifh tight, hard knots, made bona fide, as Obadiah made his ; in which there is no quibbling provifion made by the duplication and return of the two ends of the firings thro* the annulus or noofe made by the fecond implication of them to get them flipp'd and undone by. 1 hope you apprehend me. In the cafe of thefe knots then, and of the feveral obftructions, which, may it pleafe your reverences, fuch knots caft in our way in getting through life every hafty man can whip out his pen- knife and cut through them. "Tis wrong. Believe me, Sirs, the moft vir- tuous way, and which both reafon and confcience dictate is to take our teeth or our fingers to them. Dr. Slop had loft his teeth his favourite in- ftrument, by extracting in a wrong di- B z 4 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS reftion, or by fome mifapplication of it, unfortunately flipping, he had for- merly, in a hard labour, knock'd oat three of the befl of them with the handle of it: ' ' he tried his fingers alas; the nails of his fingers and thumbs were cut clofe. The duce take it! I can make nothing of it either way, cried Dr. Slop. The trampling over head near my mother's bed-fide increafed. Pox take the fellow! I mail never get the knots untied as long as I live. My mother gave a groan. Lend me your penknife 1 muft e'en cut the knots at laft pugh ! pfha ! Lord ! I have cut my thumb quite acrofs to th very bone curfe the fellow if there was not another man-midwife within fifty miles I am undone for this bout I wifti the fcoundrel hang'd I wifh he was (hot 1 wifli all the devils in hell had him for a blockhead 1 My father had a great refpeft for Oba- diahj and could not bear to hear him difpofed of in fuch a manner he had moreover fome little refped for him- OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 5 lf an d could as ill bear with the in- dignity offered to himfelf in it. Had Dr. Slop cut any part about him, but his thumb- -my father had pafs'd it by his prudence had triumphed: as it was, he was determined to have his revenge. Small curfes, Dr. Sfop, upon great oc- cafions, quoth my father (condoling with him firft up0n the accident) are but fo much wade of our ftrength and foul's health to no manner of purpofe. I own it, replied Dr. Slop. They are like fpar- row-(hot, quoth my uncle Toby (fufpend- ing his whiftling) fired againft a baftion. They ferye, continued my father, to ftir the humours but carry off none of their acrimony : for my own part, I feldom fwear or curie at all I hold it bad but if I fall into it by furprize, I generally retain fo much pre- fence of mind (right, quoth my uncle Toby) as to make it anfwer my purpofe . that is, I fwear on till I find myfelf eafy, A wife and ajuft man however always endeavour to proportion 6 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS the vent given to thefe humours, not only to the degree of them flirring with- in himfelf but to the fize and ill intent of the offence upon which they are to fall. " Injuries come only from the heart" quoth my uncle Toby. For this rea- fon, continued my father, with the moft Cervantick gravity, I have the greateft veneration in. the world for that gentle- man, who, in diftruft of his own difcre- tion in this point, fat down and com- pofed (that is at his leifure) fit forms of fwearing fuitable to all cafes, from the loweft to the higheft provocation which could poffibly happen to him which forms being well confidered by him, and fuch moreover as he could {land to, he kept them ever by him on the chimney- piece, within his reach, ready for ufe. - I never apprehended, replied Dr. S/op, that fuch a thing was ever thought of much lefs executed. I beg your pardon, anfwered my father ; I was read- ing, though not ufing, one of them to my brother Toby this morning, whilft he pour'd out the tea 'tis here upon the OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. ? flielf over my head ; but if I remember right, 'tis too violent for a cut of the thumb. Not at all, quoth Dr. Slop the devil take the fellow. Then, an- fwered my father, 'Tis much at your fer- vice, Dr. Slop on condition you will read it aloud ; -fo rifing up and reach- ing down a form of excommunication of the church of Rome, a copy of which, my father (who was curious in his col lections) had procured out of the leger- book of the church QiRochefter, writ by ERNULPHUS the bifhop with a moft affected ferioufnefs of look and voice, which might have cajoled ERNULPHUS himfelf ~he put it into Dr. Stop's hands. Dr. Slop wrapt his thumb up in the corner of his handkerchief, and with a wry face, though without any fufpicion, read aloud, as follows my uncle Toby whittling Lillabitllero as loud as he could all the time, THE LIFE AND Textus de Ecclefia Roffenfi, per fum Epifcopum. CAP. III. EXCOMMPNICATIO. Tf x auftorjtate E>ei otnnipotentis, Pa- *"* tris, et Filij, et Spiritus Sa,ndi, e(; fan<5torum canonum, fandljeque et ente- meratse Virginis pei genetricis As the genuinenefs of theconfultation of the Y the authority of God Almigh- " & ty, the Father, Son, and Holy OPINIONS fanctus Michael, animarum fufceptor fa- os crarum. Maledicant ilium omnes angeli et archangeli, principatus et poteftates 3 omnifque militia coeleftis. OS Maledicat ilium patriarcharum et pro- phetarum laudabilis numerus. Maledicat OS ilium fanctus Johannes Praecurfor et Bap- tifta Chrifti, et fanctus Petrus, et fanctus Paulus, atque fanctus Andreas, omnefque Chrifti apoftoli, fimul et cseteri difcipuli, quatuor quoque evangeliftse, qui fua prsz- dicatione mundum univerfum converte- OS runt. Maledicat ilium cuneus marty- rum et confefforum mirificus, qui Deo bonis operibus placitus inventus eft. OS Maledicant ilium facrarum virginum chori, quas mundi vana caufa honoris Chrifti refpuenda contempferunt. Male- os dicant ilium omn^s fancti qui ab initio OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 1$ ** fouls, curfe him. May all the an- " gels and archangels, principalities and ** powers, and all the heavenly armies, " curfe him." [Our armies fwore ter- ribly in Flanders, cried my uncle foby t but nothing to this. For my own part I could not have a heart to curfe my dog fo.] " May St. John, the Prascurfor, and St. John the Baptift, and St. Peter " and St. Paul, and St. Andrew, and all *' other Chrift's apoftles, together curfe " him. And may the reft of his dif- " eiples and four evangelifts, who by 41 their preaching converted the universal " world, and may the holy and won- " derful company of martyrs and con- " feffors who by their holy works are cc found pleafmg to God Almighty, curfe " him" (Obadiah.) " May the holy choir of the holy vir- ** gins, who for the honour of Chrill c< have defpifed the things of the world, " damn him May all the faints, '-' who from the beginning of the world l6 f HE LIFE AND OPINIONS mundi ufque in finem feculi Deo dile<5fi inveniuntur. OS Maledicant ilium cceli et terra, et Cftri* nia fanfta in eis manentia. in n Maledi&us fit ubicunque, fuerit, five in domo, five in agro, five in via, five in femita, five in filva, five in aqua, five in ecclefia. i n Maledidus fit vivendo, moriendo, i manducando, bibendo, efuriendo, fitien* do, jejunandoy dormitando, dormiendo, vigilando, ambulando, ftando, fedendo; jacendo, operando, quiefcendo, mingen* do, cacando, flebotomando. OF TRfSTRAM SHANDY. if " to everlafting ages are found to be "beloved of ^ God, damn him : " May the heavens and earth, and all " the holy things remaining therein, " damn him," (Obadiah} " or her," (or whoever elfe had a hand in tying thefe knots.) " May he (Obadiah} be damn'd where- " ever he be whether in the houfe " or the ftables, the garden or the field, " or the highway, or in the path, or in " the wood, or in the water, or in the " church. May he be curfed in liv- " ing, in dying." [Here my uncle Toby, taking the advantage of a minim in the fecond bar of his tune, kept whittling One continued note to the end of the fentence. Dr. Slop, with his divifion of curies moving under him, like a run- ning bafs all the way.] " May he be " curfed in eating and drinking, in be- " ing hungry, in being thirfly, in fad- " ing, in fleeping, in {lumbering, in " walking, in {landing, in fitting, in Jy- " ing, in working, in reding, in pitting, "in (hitting, and in blood-letting! VOL. II. C l8 THE LIFE AND i n Maledidus fit in totis viribus corporis", i n Maledidus fit intus et exterius. i n i Maledidus fit in capillis j maledidus. n i n fit in cerebro. Maledidus fit in vertice, in temporibus, in fronte, in auriculis, in fuperciliis, in oculis, in genis, in maxil- lis, in naribus, in dentibus, mordacibus, in labris five molibus, in labiis, in gut*- tere, in humeris, in harnis, in brachiis, in manubus, in digitis, in pedore, in corde, ct in omnibus interioribus ftomacho te- nus, in renibus, in inguinibus, in femore, in genitalibus, in coxis, in genubus, in truribus, in pedibus, et in unguibus. Maledidus fit in totis t> TRISTRAM SHANDY. 19 " May he" (Obadiaft " be curfed in *' all the faculties of his body ! " May he be curfed inwardly and out- " wardly ! May he be curfed in " the hair of his head ! -May he be " curfed in his brains, and in his ver- " tex," (that is a fad curfe, qiioth my father) " in his temples, in his forehead, " in his ears, in his eye-brows, in his " cheeks, in his jaw-bones, in his nof- " trils, in his fore-teeth and grinders, " in his lips, in his throat, in his fhoul- " ders, in his wrifts, in his arms, in his " hands, in his fingers ! " May he be damn'd in his mouth, iri " his breaft, in his heart and purtenance, " down to the very flomach ! " May he be curfed in his reins, and " in his groin," (God in heaven forbid ! quoth my uncle Toby) " iri his thighs, *' in his genitals," (my father fhook his head) " and in his hips, a^nd in hi^ " knees, his legs, arid feet, and toe- " nails ! " May he be curfed in all the joints " and articulations of the members, ftyra c z 2O THE LIFE AND OPINIONS membrorum, a vertice capitis, ufque ad plantam pedis non fit in eo fanitas. Maledicat ilium Chriftus Filius Dei vivi toto fuse majeftatis imperio OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 21 c the top of his head to the fole of his " foot ! May there be no foundnefs in " him ! " May the fon of the living God, " with all the glory of his Majefty" * [Here my uncle Toby, throwing back his head, gave a monftrous, long, loud Whew w w fomething be- twixt the interjectional whittle of Hay- day ! and the word kfelf. By the golden beard of Jupiter and of Juno (if her majefty wore one) and by the beards of the reft of your heathen worth ips, which by the bye was no fmall number, fince what with the beards of your celeftial gods, and gods aerial and aqua- tick to fay nothing of the beards of town-gods and country-gods, or of the celeftial goddefles your wives, or of the infernal goddefles your whores and con- cubines (that is in cafe they wore them) all which beards, as Varro tells me, upon his word and honour, when muftered up together, made no lefs than thirty thoufand effective beards upon the Pagan eftablifhment j every beard of C 3 THE tXPE AKD et infurgat adverfus ilium coclum : cum omnibus virtutibus quse in eo mo- yentur ad damnandum eum, nifi penitu- crit et ad fatisfa&ionem venerit. Amen, Fiat, fiat. Amen. OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 2$ which claimed the rights and privileges of being ftroken and fworn by by all thefe beards together then - 1 vow and proteft, that of the two bad caflbcks J am worth in the world, 1 would have given the better of them, as freely as ever Cid Hamet offered his - to have flood by, and heard my uncle Toby's ac- companyment. - - " curfe him !" continued Pr. Slop, " and may heaven, wjth all the " powers which move therein, rife up " againft him, curfe and damn him" (Obadiah] " unlefs he repent and make *' fatisfaction ! Amen, So be it, fo " be it. Amen," I declare, quoth my uncle Tofy, my heart would not let me curfe the devil himfelf with fo much bitternefs. He is the father of curfes, replied Dr. Slop. - -So am not I, replied my uncle. - But he is curfed, and damn'd already, to all eternity, replied Dr. Slop. 1 am forry for it, quoth my uncle Dr. Slop drew up his mouth, and was C 4 44 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS juft beginning to return my uncle Voby. the compliment of his "VVhu u u or. interjectional whittle when the door haftily opening in the next chapter but one : put an end to the affair. CHAP. V. o w don't let us give ourfelves a/ parcel of airs, and pretend that the oaths we make free with in this land of liberty of ours are our own ; and be- caufe we have the fpirit to fwear them, imagine that we have had the wit to invent them too. I'll undertake this moment to prove it to any man in the world, except to a connoifleur : though I declare I ob- ject only to a connoifleur in {wearing, as I would do to a connoifleur in painting, &c. &c. the whole let of 'em tire fo hung round and befetiftd with the bobs and trinkets ofcriticifm, or to drop my metaphor, which by the bye is a pity for I have fetch'd it as far as from the coaft of Gviney ; their heads, OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 2jJ Sir, are ftuck fo full of rules and com- pafles, and have that eternal propenfuy to apply them upon all occations, that a work of genius had better go to the devil at once, than {land to be prick'd and tortured to death by 'em. And how did Garrick fpeak the foli- loquy laft night ? Oh, againfl all rule, my lord, moil ungrammatically ! be- twixt the fubftantive and the adjective, which mould agree together in number^ cafe, and gender, he made a breach thus, - Hopping, as if the point wanted fettling; and betwixt the nominative cafe, which your lordihip knows mould govern the ,yerb ? he fufpended his voice in the epi- logue a dozen times three feconds and three fifths by a flop watch, my lord, each time. Admirable grammarian ! But in fufpending his voice was the fenfe fufpended likewife ? Did no ex- preffion of attitude or countenance fill up the chafm ? Was the eye filent ? Did you narrowly look ? I look'd only at the flop-watch, my lord. Ex- cellent obferver ! 6 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS And what of this new book the whole world makes fuch a rout about ? Oh ! 'tis out of all plumb, my lord, quite an irregular thing ! not one of the angles at the four corners was a right angle. I had my rule and com- paifes, &c. my lord, in my pocket. Excellent critick ! And for the epick poem your lordfhip bid me look at upon taking the length, breadth, height, and depth of it, and trying them at home upon an exac~t fcale of Bojjrt'z 'tis out, my lord, in every one of its dimenfions. Admirable connoifTeur ! And did you ftep in, to take a look at the grand picture in your way back ? "Tis a melancholy daub ! my lord ; not one principle of the pyramid in any one group ! -and what a price ! for there is nothing of the colour- ing of Titian the expreffion of Ru- bensthe grace of Raphael the pu- rity of Domiuichino the corregiefcity of Corregio the learning of Poujin the airs of G/Vfc the tafte of the Carrac&is OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 27 pr the grand contour of Ar.ve/o. Grant pe patience, juft Heaven ! Of all the cants which are canted in this canting^ world though the cant of hypocrites may be the worfl -the cant of criti- cifm is the moft tormenting ! I would go fifty miles on foot, for P\ have not a horfe worth riding on, to kils the hand of that man whofe generous heart will give up the reins of his imagi- nation into his author's hands be pleafed he knows not why, and cares not wherefore. Great Apollo ! if thou art in a giving humour give me I afk no more, but one ftroke of native humour, with a fm- gle fpark of thy own fire along with it and lend Mercury,, with the rides and compares, if he can be fpared, with my compliments to no matter. Now to any one elfe I will undertake to prove, that all the oaths and impre- cations which we have been puffing off upon the world for thefe two hundred and fifty years laft paft as originals except St. Paul's thumb God* s feflt *S THE LIFE AND OPINIONS and God's jifli, which were oaths monar- chical, and, confidering who made them, not much amifsj and as kings oaths, 'tis not much matter whether they were fifh or fiefh ; elfe I fay, there is not an oath, or at leaft a curie amongft them, which has not been copied over and over again out of Ernulphus a thoufand times : but, like all other copies, how infinitely fliort of the force and {pint of the ori- ginal ! it is thought to be no bad oath and by itftlf pafles very well " G d damn you "Set it befide //- ^H/S " God Almighty the Father damn you- God the Son damn you- God the Holy Ghoft damn you" you fee 'tis nothing. There is an orientality in his, we cannot rife up to : befides, he is more copious in his invention poffefs'd more of the excellencies of a iwearer had fuch a thorough know- ledge of the human frame, its mem-> branes, nerves, ligaments, knittings of the joints, and articulations, that when Ej-ttulphus curfed no part efcaped him. 'Tis true there is fomething OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 9 in his manner and, as in Michael Angela, a want of grace but then there is fuch a greatnefs of grift 'o ! My father, who generally look'd upon every thing in a light very different from all mankind, would, after all, never allow this to be an original. He cori- fidered rather Ermdp/ius's anathema, as an inftitute of fwearing, in which, as he fufpeded, upon the decline of fwear- ing in fome milder pontificate, Ernulphus t by order of the fucceeding pope, had with great learning and diligence col- lefted together all the laws of it ; for the fame reafon that Jitftiniatt, in the de- cline of the empire, had ordered his chancellor 'Tribonian to colled the Ro- man or civil laws all together into one code or cligefl left, through the ruft of time and the fatality of all things committed to oral tradition they mould be loft to the world for ever. For this reafon my father would oft- times affirm, there was not an oath from the great and tremendous oath of William the conqueror (By the fplen dour *6 THE LlfE AND OPINIONS of GocE] down to the lowed oath of d fcavenger (Damn your eyes) which was not to be found in Ernulphus. In fhort, he would add I defy a man to fwear out of it. The hypothefis is, like moft of my father's, fingufer and ingenious too ; nor have I any objection to it, but that it overturns my own. CHAP. VI. .. "O LESS my foul ! my poor ^ miftrefs is ready to faint- and her pains are gone and the drops are done and the bottle of julap is broke and the rfurfe has cut her arm (and I, my thumb, cried Dr. Slop,} and the child is where it was, continued Sufannak) and the midwife has fallen backwards upon the edge of the fender, and bruifed her hip as black as your hat. Fll look at it, quoth Dr Slop. There is no need of that, replied Su~ fannahy you had better look at my miftrefs but the midwife would glad- OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 3! Jy firft give you an account how things are, fo defires you would go up flairs and fpeaktoher this moment* Human nature is the fame in all pro- feffions. The midwife had juft before been put over Dr. S/op's head He had not digeft- ed it, No, replied ' Dr. Stop, 'twould be full as proper, if the midwife came clown to me. I like fubordination, quoth my uncle Toby y and but for it, after the re- duction of Z,f/fc, I know not what might have become of the garrifon of Ghent, in the mutiny for bread, in the year Ten, Nor, replied Dr. Stop, (parodying my uncle Toby's hobby-horfical refle&ion; though full as hobby-horfical himfelf) do I know, Captain Shandy, what might have become of the garrifon above ftairs, in the mutiny and confufion I f ;:! all things are in at prefent, but for the fubordination of fingers and thumbs to ****** the application of which, Sir, under this accident of mine, comes in fo a propos, that without it, the cut upon my thumb might have been felt by 32 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS the Shandy family, as long as the Shandy family had a name. CHAP. VII. T T us go back to the ******_; in the laft chapter. It is a fmgular ftroke of eloquence (at leaft it was fo, when eloquence flourifhed at Athens and Rome, and would be fo now, did orators wear mantles) not to mention the name of a thing, when you had the thing about you in petto, ready to produce, pop, in the place you want it. A fear, an axe, a fword, a pink'd doublet, a rufty helmet, a pound and a half of pot-aflies in an urn, or-a three- halfpenny pickle pot but above all, d tender infant royally accoutred. Tho'* if it was too young, and the oration as long as 5V// s Iccoud Philippick it mufl certainly have bclhit the orator's man- tle. And then again, if too old, it mull have been unvvieldly and incommo- dious to his action fo as to make him lofc by hi* child almoft as much as he OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 33 could gain by it. Otherwife, when a ftate orator has hit the precife age to a minute hid his BAMBINO in his mantle fo cunningly that no mortal could fmell it and produced it fo critically, that no foul could fay, it came in by head and fhoulders Oh Sirs ! it has done wonders It has open'd the fluices^ and turn'd the brains, and fhook the principles, and unhinged the politicks of half a nation. Thefe feats however are not to be done, except in thofe dates and times, I fay, where orators wore mantles -and pretty large ones too, my brethren, with fome twenty or five-and-twenty yards of good purple, fuperfine, marketable cloth in them with large flowing folds and doubles, and in a great ftyle of de- fign. All which plainly mews, may it pleafe your worfhips, that the decay of eloquence, and the little good fervice it does at prefent, both within and without doors, is owing to nothing elie in the world, but fhort coats, and the difufe of YPI,. ii, 34 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS tritnk-hofe. We can conceal nothing under ours, Madam, worth (hewing. CHAP. Vlir. T"\R. Slop was within an ace of being *^ an exception to all this argumen- tation : for happening to have his green baize bag upon his knees, when he began to parody my uncle Toby 'twas as good as the beft mantle in the world to him : for which purpofe, when he forefaw the fentence would end in his new-invented forceps, he thruft his hand into the bag in order to have them ready to clap in, when your reverences took fo much no- tice of the ***, which had he managed my uncle Toby had certainly been overthrown : the fentence and the argu- ment in that cafe jumping clofely in one point, fo like the two lines which form the falient angle of a ravelin, Dr. S/op would never have given them upj and my uncle Toby would as foon have thought of flying, as taking them, by OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 35 force : but Dr, Slop fumbled fo vilely in pulling them out, it took off the whole effect, and what was a ten times worfe evil (for they feldom come alone in this life) in pulling out \i\s forceps, \i\sforceps unfortunately drew out the fquirt along with it. When a propofition can be taken in two fenfes 'tis a law in difputation, That the refpondent may reply to which of the two he pleafes, or finds moft con- venient for him. This threw the ad- vantage of the argument quite on my uncle 2o/s fide. " Good God!" cried my uncle foby, " are children brought " into the worldimth a fquirt ?" CHAP. IX. "JJ p o N my honour, Sir, you have tore every bit of fkin quite off the back of both my hands with your forceps, cried my uncle Toby and you have crulh'd all my knuckles into the bargain with them to a jelly. 'Tis your own fault, faid Dr. Slop you fliould D 2 $6 TftE LIFE AND OPINIONS have clinch'd your two fifts together into the form of a child's head as I told you, and fat firm. I did fo, anfwered my uncle Toby. Then the points of my forceps have not been fufficiently arm'd, or the rivet wants clofing-^or elfe the cut on my thumb has made me a little aukward or poffibly 'Tis well, quoth my father, interrupting the detail of pof- fibilities that the experiment was not firft made upon my child's head-piece. It would not have been a cherry- ftone the worfe, anfwered Dr. Slop. I maintain it, faid my uncle Toby, it would have broke the cerebellum (unlefs in- deed the fkull had been as hard as a granado) and turn'd it all into a perfect poflet. ' Pmaw ! replied Dr. Slop, a child's head is naturally as foft as the pap of an apple ; the futures give way and befides, I could have extracted by the feet after. Not you, faid me. J rather wifh you would begin that way, quoth my father. Pray do, added my uncle foby. OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 37 CHAP. X. - A N D pray * d woman > all, will you take upon you to fay, it may not be the child's hip, as well as the child's head ? - ~'Tis moft certainly the head, replied the midwife. Becaufe, continued Dr. Slop (turning to my father) as pofitive as thefe old ladies generally are 'tis a point very difficult to know and yet of the greateft confe- quence to be known; - becaufe, Sir, if the hip is miftaken for the head - there is a poffibility (if it is a boy) that the forceps ******** ****** - What the poffibility was, Dr. Slop whifpered very low to my father, and then to my uncle Toby. - There is no fuch danger, continued he, with the head. No, in truth, quoth my father but when your poffibility has taken place at the hip you may as well take off the head too. It is morally impoffible the read- 38 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS er fhould underftand this 'tis enough Dr. Slop underflood it; ' fo taking the green baize bag in his hand, with the help of Obadiah\ pumps, he tripp'd pretty nimbly, for a man of his fize, acrofs the room to the door and from the door was fhewn the way, by the good old midwife, to my mother's apart" ments. CHAP. XI, T T is two hours, and ten minutes and ^ no more cried my father, looking at his watch, fmce Dr. Slop and Obadiah ar- rived and I know not how it happens, brother Toby but to my imagination it feems almoft an age. Here pray, Sir, take hold of my cap nay, take the bell along with it, and my pantoufles too. Now, Sir, they are all at your fervice ; and I freely make you a prefent of 'em, on condition you give me all your atten- tion to this chapter. Though my father faid, " he knew not OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 39 f< Jiow it happen' dy' yet he knew very well how it happen'd; and at the in- ftant he (poke it, was pre-determined in his mind to give my uncle 'Toby a clear account of the matter by a metaphyfical diflertation upon the fubjecT: of duration and its Jimple modes , in order to fliew my uncle 'Toby by what mechanifm and men- furations in the brain it came to pafs, that the rapid fucceflion of their ideas, and the eternal fcampering of the dif- courfe from one thing to another, fince Dr. Slop had come into the room, had lengthened out fo ihort a period to fo in- conceivable an extent. " I know not (( how it happens cried my father, - " but it feems an age." 'Tis owing entirely, quoth my uncle Toby, to the fucceflion of our ideas. My father, who had an itch, in com- mon with all philofophers, of reafoning upon every thing which happened, and accounting for it too propofed infinite pleafure to himfelf in this, of the fuccef- fion of ideas, and had not the lead ap- prehenfion of having it fnatch'd out of 40 THE LIFE ANB OPINIONS his hands by my uncle foby, who (honefl: man!) generally took every thing as it happened ; and who, of all things in the world, troubled his brain the leaft with abftrufe thinking; the ideas of time and fpace or how we came by thofe ideas or of what fluff they were made or whether they were born with us or we picked them up after- wards as we went along or whether we did it in frocks or not till we had got into breeches with a thoufand other inquiries and difputes about INFINITY PRESCIENCE, LIBERTY, NECESSITY, and fo forth, upon whofe defperate and unconquerable theories fo many fine heads have been turned and cracked* never did my uncle Tory's the leaft injury at all ; my father knew it and was no lefs furprized than he was difappointed, with Jny uncle's fortuitous folution. Do you underfland the theory of that affair ? replied my father. Not I, quoth my uncle. But you have fome ideas, faid mv father, of what you talk about ? OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 41 No more than my horfc, replied my uncle Toby. Gracious heaven ! cried my father, looking upwards, and clafping his two hands together i there is a worth in thy honeft ignorance, brother Toby <. 'twere almoft a pity to exchange it for a knowledge. But I'll tell thee. To underftand what time is aright, without which we never can comprehend infinity, infomuch as one is a portion of the other we ought ferioufly to fit- down and confider what idea it is we have of duration, fo as to give a fatisfac- tory account how we came by it. What is that to any body ? quoth my uncle Toby. * For if you will turn your eyes inwards upon yonr mind, continued my father, and obferve attentively, you will perceive, brother, that whilft you and I are talking together, and thinking, and fmok- ing our -pipes, or whilft we receive fuccef- ftvely ideas in our minds, we know that we do exift, andfo we ejlimate the exi/tence, qr * Vide Locke. 42 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS the continuation of the exigence of our fellies, or any thing e/fe, commenfurate to the fuc- cejjlon of any ideas in our minds, the dura" tion of ourfelves, or any fuch other thing co-exifting with our thinking . and fo according to that preconceived You puzzle me to death, cried my uncle 'Tis owing to this, replied my father, that in our computations of time> we are fo ufed to minutes, hours, weeks, and months - and of clocks (I wifh there was not a clock in the kingdom) to meafure out their feveral portions to us, and to thofe who belong to us that 'twill be well, if in time to come, the fuccejjion of our ideas be of any ufe or fervice to us at all. Now, whether we obferve it or no, continued my father, in every found man's head, there is a regular fucceffion of ideas of one fort or other, which fol- low each other in train jufl like A train of artillery ? faid my uncle 'Toby - A train of a fiddle-flick ! quoth my father which follow and fucceed OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 43 one another in our minds at certain dif- tances, juft like the images in the infide of a lanthorn turned round by the heat of a candle. I declare, quoth my uncle I hate perpetuities as much as any man alive, cried my father but thefe jack- boots, continued he (frniling, though very angry at the fame time) have been in the family, brother, ever fmce the ci- vil wars ; Sir Roger Shandy wore them at the battle of Marji en-Moor. I declare I would not have taken ten pounds for them. I'll pay you the money, brother Shandy ', quoth my uncle Toby, looking at the two mortars with infinite pleafure, and putting his hand in- to his breeches pocket as he viewed them I'll pay you the ten pounds this mo- ment with all my heart and foul. Brother Toby t replied my father, alter- ing his tone, you care not what money you diffipate and throw away, provided, continued he, 'tis but upon a SIEGE. -^Have I not one hundred and twenty pounds a year, befides my half pay ? cried my uncle 4W^.~~Whrft is that replied my father haftily to ten pounds for a pair of jack-boots ? twelve guineas for yottr pontoons /half as much for your OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 71 Dutch draw-bridge? to fay nothing of the train of little brafs artillery you be- fpoke Lift week, with twenty other pre- parations for the iiege of MeJJlna : be- lieve me, dear brother Toby, continued my father, taking him kindly by the hand thefe military operations of yours are above your ftrength; you mean well brother but they carry you in- to greater expences than you were firft aware of; and take my word, dear To- by, they will in the end quite ruin your fortune, and make a beggar of you. What fignifies it if they do, brother, re- plied my uncle Toby, fo long as we know 'tis for the good of the nation ? My father could not help fmiling for his foul his anger at the worft was ne- ver more than a fpark;< and the zeal and Simplicity of Trim and the generous (though hobby-horfical) gallantry of my uncle Toby, brought him into per- fect good humour with them in an in- ftant. Generous fouls! God profper you 1^ THE LIFE* AND OPINIONS both, and your mortar- pieces too ! quoth my father to himfelf. CHAP. XVI. A L L is quiet and hum, cried my fa* ^ ther, at leaft above flairs I hear not one foot (lining. Prithee Trim, who's in the kitchen? There is no one foul in the kitchen, anfvvered Trim, mak- ing a low bow as he fpoke, except Dr. Slop. Confufion ! cried my father (get- ting upon his legs a fecond time) not one fingle thing has gone right this day ! had I faith in aftrology, brother, (which, by the bye, my father had) I would have fworn fome retrograde planet was hang- ing over this unfortunate houfe of mine, and turning every individual thing in it out of its place. Why, I thought Dr. Slop had been above flairs with my wife, and fo faid you, What can the fellow be puzzling about in the kitchen ! He is bufy, an' pleaie your honour, replied Trim, in making a bridge. 'Tis very obliging in him, quoth my OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 73 uncle Toby: pray, give my hum- ble fervice to Dr. Slop, Trim, and tellhiin I thank him heartily. You muft know, my uncle Toby mif- took the bridge as widely as my father miftook the mortars : but to under- fland how my uncle 'Toby could miftake the bridge I fear I muft give you an exact account of the road which led to it; or lo drop my metaphor (for there is nothing more difhoneft in an hiftorian than the ufe of one) in order to con- ceive the probability of this error in my uncle Toby aright, I muft give you fornc account of an adventure of Trim's, though much againft my will, I fay much againft my will, only becaufe the ftory, in one fenfe, is certainly out of its place here - t for by right it fhould come in, either amongft the anecdotes of my uncle To- by 's amours with widow Wadman, in which corporal Trim was no mean ac- tor or elfe in the middle of his and my uncle Toby's campaigns on the bowling- green for it will do very well in either place ; but then if I referve it for ei- 74 THE LIFE AtfD OPINIONS ther of thofe parts of my flory i I ruin the llory I'm upon j and if I tell it here- 1 anticipate matters, and ruin it there. What would your wo^fliip have me to do in this cafe ? -v-Teli it, Mr. SJiandy, by all means. You are a fool, Trifiram, if you do. ye powers ! (for powers ye are, and great ones too) which enable mortal man to tell a ftory worth the hearing that kindly fhew him, where he is to bc;in it and where he is to end it what he is to put into it and what he is to leave out how much of it he is to caft into a fhade and where- abouts he is to throw his light ! Ye, who prefide over this vaft empire of biographical freebooters, and fee ho\r many fcrapes and plunges your fubjecls hourly fall into ; will you do one thing ? 1 beg and befeech you (in cafe you will do nothing Better for us) that wherever in any part of your dominions it fo falls out, that three (cTeral roads meet in one- OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 73 point, as they have done juft here that at leaft you fet up a guide-pott" in the centre of them, in mere charity, to direct an uncertain devil which of the three he is to take. CHAP. XVIT. *npHo' the fhock my uncle 'T-jby re- -*- ceived the year after the demoli- tion of Dunkirk, in his affair with widow Wadman, had fixed him in a refolution never more to think of the fex or of aught which belonged to it ; yet cor- poral Trim had made no fuch bargain with himfelf. Indeed in my uncle Toby's cafe there was a ftrange and unaccounta- ble concurrence of circumftances, which infenfibly drew him in, to lay iiege to that fair and ftrong citadel. In Trim's cafe there was a concurrence of nothing in the world, but of him and BriJgct in the kitchen; though in truth, the love and veneration he bore his mailer was fuch, and fo fond was he of imitating 76 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS him in all he did, that had my uncle Toby employed his time and genius in tagging of points 1 am perfuaded the honed corporal would have laid down his arms, and followed his example with pleafure. When therefore my uncle 70- by fat down before the miftrefs corpo- ral Trim incontinently took ground be- fore the maid. Now, rny dear friend Garrick, whom I have fo much caufe to efteem and ho- nour (why, or wherefore, 'tis no mat- ter) can it efcape your penetration I defy it that fo many play-wrights, and opifkers of chit-chat have ever fince been working upon Trim's and my uncle Toby's pattern.- I care not what Ari- jlotlZ) or Pacuvius, or Boj/u, or Ricaboni lay (though I never read one of them) there is not a greater difference be- tween a fingle-horfe chair and and madam Pompadour's vis-a-vis; than betwixt a fingle amour, and an amour thus nobly doubled, and going upon all four, pranc- ing throughout a grand drama-: Sir, a OF TRISTRAM SHANHY. 77 fjmple, fingle, filly affair of that kind is quite loft in five ads but that is neither here nor there. After a feries of attacks and repulfes in a courfe of nine months on my uncle Tory's quarter, a mofl minute account of every particular of which (hall be given in its proper place, my uncle Tehy, ho- neft man I found it -neceffary to draw off his forces and raife the fiege fomewhat indignantly. Corporal Trim, as I faid, had made no fuch bargain either with himfelf or with any one elfe the fidelity how- ever of his heart not fuffering him to go into a houfe which his mafter had for- faken with difgufl he contented him- felf with turning his part of the fiege into a .blockade ; that is, he kept others off; for though he never after went to the houfe, yet he never met Bridget in the village, but he would either nod or wink, or fmile, or look kindly at her or (as circumftanees directed) he would (hake her by the hand or a(k her lov- ingly how me did or would give her a -" 78 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS ribbon and now-and-then, though ne- ver but when it could be done with de- corum, would give Bridget a Precifely in this fituation, did thefe things (land for five years ; that is from the demolition of Dunkirk in the year 13, to the latter end of my uncle Toby's campaign in the year 1 8, which was about fix or feven weeks before the time I'm fpeaking of. When Trim, as his cuf- tom was, after he had put my uncle Toby to bed, going down one moon- fhiny night to fee that every thing was right at his fortifications in the lane feparated from the bowling-green with flowering flirubs and holly he efpied his Bridget. As the corporal thought there was no- thing in the world fo well worth Ihewing as the glorious works which he and my uncle Toby had made, Trim court eoufly and gallantly took her by the hand, and led her in : this was not done fo pri- vately, but that the foul-mouth'd trum- pet of Fame carried it from ear to ear, lill at length it reach'd my father's, with OF TRISTS-AM SHANDY. 79 this untoward circumftance along with it, that my uncle Toby's curious draw- bridge, conftruc"led and painted after the Dutch falhion, and which went quite acrofs the ditch was broke down, and fbmehow or other cruflied all to pieces that very night. My father, as you have obfcrved, had no great eileem for my uncle Toby's hob- by-horfe ; he thought it the moft ridicu- lous horfe that ever gentleman mount- ed ; and indeed unlefs my uncle Toby vexed him about it, could never think of it once, without fmiling at it fo that it could never get lame or hap- pen any mifchance, but it tickled my father's imagination beyond meafure; but this being an accident much more to his humour than any one which had yet befall'n it, it proved an inexhauilible fund of entertainment to him, Weli but dear Toby I my father would fay, do tell me ferioufly how this. affair of the bridge happened- How can you teaze me fo much about it r my un-* cle Toby would reply I have told it you SO THE LIFE AND OPINIONS twenty times, word for word as Trim told it me. Prithee, how was it then, corporal ? my father would cry, turning to Trim. It was a mere misfortune, an' pleafe your honour j 1 was mewing Mrs. Bridget our fortifications, and in going too near the edge of the fofle, I unfortunately ilipp'd in. Very well, Trim ! my father would cry (fmiling myfterioufly, and giving a nod but without interrupting him) and being link'd faft, an' pleale your honour, arm in arm with Mrs. Bridget, I dragg'd her after me, by means of which me fell backwards fofs againft the bridge and Tr/w's foot (my uncle Toby would cry, taking the ftory out of his mouth) getting into the cuvette, he tumbled full againft the bridge too.- It was a thou- fand to one, my uncle Toby would add, that the poor fellow did not break his leg. Ay truly, my father would fay -a limb is foon broke, brother Toby, in fuch encounters. And fo, an' pleafe your honour, the bridge, which your ho- nour knows was a very flight one, \vas OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 8l broke down betwixt us, and fplintered all to pieces. , At other times, but efpecially when my uncle Toby was fo unfortunate as to fay a fyllable about cannons, bombs, or petards my father would exhauft all the {lores of his eloquence (which indeed were very great) in a panegyric upon the BATTERING-RAMS of the ancients the VINE A which Alexander made ufe of at the fiege of Troy. He would tell my uncle Toby of the CATAPULTJE of the Syrians, which threw fuch monftrous flones fo many hundred feet, and fhook the ftrongeft bulwarks from their very foundation: he would go on and de- fcribe the wonderful mechanifm of the BALLISTA which Marcellinus makes fo much rout about! the terrible effects of the PYRABOLI, which caft fire; the danger of the TEREBRAand SCORPIO, which caft javelins. But what are thefe, would he fay, to the deftrudive machinery of corporal Trim ? Believe me, brother Toby, no bridge, or baftion, or (ally-port, that ever was conftructed VOL. II. G 82 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS in this world, can hold out againft fucfr artillery. My uncle Toby would never attempt any defence againft the force of this ridi- cule, but that of redoubling the vehe- mence of fmoaking his pipe; in doing which, he raifed fo denfe a vapour one night after fupper, that it fet my father, who was a little phthifical, into a fuffo- cating fit of violent coughing : my uncle Toby leap'd up without feeling the pain upon his groin and, with infinite pity,, flood befide his brother's chair, tapping his back with one hand, and holding his head with the other, and from time to time wiping his eyes with a clean cam- brick handkerchief, which he pulled out of his pocket. The affectionate and endearing manner in which my uncle Toby did thefe little offices cut my fa- ther thro' his reins, for the pain he had juft been giving him. May my brains be knock'd out with a battering-ram or a catapulta, I care not which, quoth my father to himfelf if ever I infult this worthy foul more ! t)F TRISTRAM SHANDY. 83 CHAP. XVIII. *~p H E draw-bridge being held irre- -* parable, 'Trim was ordered dire<5Uy to fet about another but not upon the fame model : for cardinal Alberonfs intrigues at that time being difcovered, and my uncle Toby rightly forefeeing that a flame would inevitably break out be- twixt Spain and the Empire, and that the operations of the enfuing campaign muft in all likelihood be either in Naples or Sicily he determined upon an Italian bridge (my uncle Toby, by-the- bye, was not far out of his conjectures) but my father, who was infinitely the better politician, and took the lead as far of my uncle Toby in the cabinet, as my uncle Toby took it of him in the field ... convinced him, that if the king of Spain and the Emperor went to- gether by the ears, England and France. and Holland mud, by force of their pre- engagements, "all enter the lifts too ; and if fo, he would fay, the combatants, G 2 84 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS brother Toby, as fure as we are alive, will fall to it again, pell-mell, upon the old prize-fighting ftage of Flanders ; then wha f . will you do with your Italian bridge ? We will go on with it then upon the old model, cried my uncle Toby. When corporal Trim had about half finimed it in that ftyle my uncle Toby found out a capital defect in it, which he had never thoroughly confider- ed before. It turned, it feems, upon hinges at both ends of it, opening in the middle, one half of which turning to one fide of the fofle, and the other to the other; the advantage of which was this, that by dividing the weight of the bridge into two equal portions, it im- powerecl my uncle Toby to raife it up or let it down with the end of his crutch, and with one hand, which, as his garrifon was weak, was as much as he could well fpare but the difadvantages of fuch a conftruction were infurmountable ; for by this means, he would fay, I leave one half of my bridge in my ene- OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 85 fhy's poffeffion and pray of what ufe is the other? The natural remedy for this was, no doubt, to have his bridge faft only at one end with hinges, fo that the whole might be lifted up together, and fland bolt up- right but that was rejected for the reafon given above. For a whole week after he was deter- mined in his mind to have one of that particular conftruction which is made to draw back horizontally, to hinder a paf- fage ; and to thruft forwards again to gain a paiTage of which forts your worfhip might have feen three famous ones at Spires before its deftruction and one now at Brifao,\i I miftake not; but my father advifmg my uncle 'Toby, with great earneflnefs, to have nothing more to do with thrufting bridges and my uncle forefeeing moreover that it would but perpetuate the memory of the Cor- poral's misfortune he changed his mind for that of the marquis (TH6pitar$ in- vention, which the younger BernouilH has fo well and learnedly defcribed, as G 3 86 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS your worfhips may fee Att. Erud* Lipf. an. 1695 to thefe a lead weight is an eternal balance, and keeps watch as well as a couple of centinels, inafmuch as the conftrudion of them was a curve line approximating to a cycloid if not a cycloid itfelf. My uncle Toby underftood the nature of a parabola as well as any man ia England but was not quite fuch a maf- ter of the cycloid; he talked how- ever about it every day the bridge went not forwards. We'll afk fome- body about it, cried my uncle Toby to Trim. CHAP. XIX. * TT HEN Trim came in and told my father, that Dr. Slop was in the kitchen, and bufy in making a bridge my uncle Toby the affair of thejack-> boots having jufl then raifed a train of military ideas in his brain took it inflantly for granted that Dr. Slop was making a model of the marquis OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 87 p'ital\ bridge. 'Tis very obliging in him, quoth my uncle Toby; -pray give my humble fervice to Dr. Slop, Trim, and tell him I thank him heartily. Had my uncle Toby's head been a Savoyard's box, and my father peeping in all the time at one end of it it could not have given him a more dif- tinct conception of the operations of my uncle Toby's imagination, than what he had ; fo, notwithftanding the catapulta and battering-ram, and his bitter impre- cation about them, he was jufl begin- ning to triumph When Trim's anfwer, in an inftant, tore the laurel from his brows, and twifted it to pieces. CHAP. XX. *"p HIS unfortunate draw-bridge of yours, quoth my father God blefs your honour, cried Trim, 'tis a bridge for mafter's nofe. In bring- ing him into the world with his vile in- ilruments, he has crulhed his nofe, Su- 04 88 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS fannaJi fays, as flat as a pancake to his face, and he is making a falfe bridge with a piece of cotton and a thin piece of whalebone out of Sitfannak's flays, to raife it up. Lead me, brother tfofy, cried my father, to my room this inftant. CHAP. XXft the firft moment I fat down to write my life for the amufement of the world, and my opinions for its in- ftruction, has a cloud infenfibly been ga- thering over my father. A tide of lit- tle evils and diftreffes has been fetting in againfl him. Not one thing, as he ob- ferved himfelf, has gone right : and now is the florm thicken'd and going to break, and pour down full upon his head. I enter upon this part of my flory in the mod penfive and melancholy frame of mind that ever fympathetic breafl was touched with. My nerves relax as I tell it. Every line I write, I feel an abatement of the quicknefs of my OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 8 E c A r s E," quoth my great grandmother, repeating the words again " you have little or no " nofe, Sir." - S'death ! cried my great-grandfather, -dapping his hand upon his nofe, 'tis Hot fo fmall as that comes to; - 'tis a full inch longer than my father's. Now, my great-grandfather's nofe was for all the world like unto the nofes of all the men, women, and childern, whom Pan- t a gruel found dwelling upon the ifland of ENNASIN. -By the way, if- you would know the flrange way of getting fl-kin amongft fo flat-nofed a people - you muft read the book ;- - find it out yourfclf, you never can. - OP TRISTRAM SHANDY. 97 'Twas fhaped, Sir, like an ace of clubs. 'Tis a full inch, continued my grandfather, preffing up the ridge of his nofe with his finger and thumb ; and re- peating his aflertion 'tis a full inch longer, madam, than my father's You mud mean your uncle's, replied my great-grandmother* My great-grandfather was con- vinced.- He untwifted the paper, and figned the article. CHAP. XXVI. ' Vl/" HAT an unconfcionable jointure, my dear, do we pay out of this fmall eftate of ours, quoth my grandmother to my grand- father. My father, replied my grandfather, had no more nofe, my dear, faving the mark, than there is upon the back of my hand. Now, you muft know, that niy great-grandmother outlived my grand- VOL. II. H 98 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS father twelve years - y fo that my father had the jointure to pay, a hundred and fifty pounds half-yearly (on Michael- mas and Lady-day,) during all that time. No man difcharged pecuniary obliga- tions with a better grace than my father. And as far as a hundred pounds went, he would fling it upon the table, guinea by guinea, with that fpirited jerk of an honeft welcome, which generous fouls, and generous fouls only, are able to fling down money: but as foon as ever he enter'd upon the odd fifty he generally gave a loud Hem ! rubb'd the fide of his nofe leifurely with the flat part of his fore finger inferted his hand cautioufly betwixt his head and the cawl of his wig look'd at both fides of every guinea as he parted with it . and feldom could get to the end of the fifty pounds, without pulling out his handkerchief, and wiping his temples. Defend me, gracious Heaven ! from thofe perfecuting fpirits who make np allowances for thefe workings within us. OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. that the excel- lency of the nofe is in a direct arithme- tical proportion to the excellency of the wearer's fancy. It is for the fame reafon, that is, be- caufe 'tis all comprehended in Slawken- bergius, that I fay nothing likewife of Scroderus (Andrea) who, all the world knows, fet himfelf to oppugn Prignitz with great violence proving it in his own way, firft logically, and then by a feries of ftubborn facts, " That fo far was Prignitz from the truth, in affirm- ing that the fancy begat the nofe, that OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 121 611 the contrary the nofe begat the fancy." The learned fufpe&ed Screderus of an indecent fophifm in this and Prig- nitz cried out aloud in the difpute, that Scroderus had fhifted the idea upon him but Scroderus went on, maintaining his thefis. My father was juft balancing within himfelf, which of the two fides he mould take in this affair; when Ambrofe Pa- rtfits decided it in a moment, and by overthrowing the fyftems, both of Prig- nitz and Scroderus, drove my father out of both fides of the controverfy at once. Be witnefs I don't acquaint the learned reader in faying it, I mention it only to mew the learned, I know the fact myfelf That this Ambrofe Par^us was chief furgeon and nofe-mender to Frauds the ninth of France, and in high credit with him and the two preceding, or fucceed- ing kings (I know not which) and that, except in the flip he made in his ftoryof 7Vw0//j's nofes, and his man- '4 122 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS ner of fetting them on he was efteemed by the whole college of phyficians at that time, as more knowing in matters of nofes, than any one who had ever taken them in hand. Now Ambrofe Parxus convinced my father, that the true and efficient caufe of what had engaged fo much the at- tention of the world, and upon which Prignitz and Scroderus had wafted fo much learning and fine parts was neither this nor that but that the length and goodnefs of the nofe was owing fimply to the foftnefs and flacci- dity in the nurfe's breaft as the flatnefs and fhortnefs of puifne nofes was to the firmnefs and elafbic repulfion of the fame organ of nutrition in the hale and lively which, tho' happy for the woman, was the undoing of the child, inafmuch as his nofe was fo fnubb'd, fo rebufTd, fo rebated, and fo refrigerated thereby, as never to arrive a d menfuram fuam legitimam ; but that in cafe of the flaccidity and foftnefs of the nurfe or mother's breaft -by finking into it, OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 12$ quoth Par as into fo much butter, the nofe was comforted, nourifh'd, plump'd up, refrem'd, refocillated, and fet a grow- ing for ever. I have but two things to obferve of Parpens ; firft, That he proves and ex- plains all this with the utmoft chaftity and decorum of expreflion : for which may his foul for ever reft in peace ! And, fecondly, that befkles the iyftems cfPrignitz and Scrodents, which Ambrofe Parteus his hypothefis effectually over- threw it overthrew at the fame time the fyftem of peace and harmony of our family ; and for three days together, not only embroiled matters between my fa- ther and my mother, but turn'd like- wife the whole houle and every thing in it, except my uncle oly t quite upilde down. Such a ridiculous tale of a difpute be- tween a man and his wife, never lately in any age or country got vent through the key-hole of a ftreet-door. My mother, you muft know but I have fifty things more neceffary to 124 THE LIFE AN9 OPINIONS let you know firil I have a hundred difficulties which I have promifed to clear up, and a thoufand diftrefles and do- meftick mifadventures crowding in upon me thick and threefold, one upon the neck of another. A cow broke in (to- morrow morning) to my uncle To&y's fortifications, and eat up two rations and a half of dried grafs, tearing up the ibds with it, which faced his horn-work and covered way. Trim infifts upon being tried by a court-martial the cow to be (hot Slop to be crucifix 'd myfelf^o be triftratJi'dxnA at my very baptifm made a martyr of; poor unhappy devils that we all are ! 1 want fw add ling but there is no time to be loft in exclama- tions : 1 have left my father lying acrofs his bed, and my uncle Toby in his old fringed chair, fitting befide him, and promifed I would go back to them in half an hour; and five-and-thirty minutes are laps'd already. -Of all the perplex- ities a mortal author was ever feen in -this certainly is the greater!, for I have Hafeu Slawkwibargtig?.* folio, Sir, to finiih OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 125 a dialogue between my father and my uncle Toby, upon- the folution of ) Scroderv.s, Ambroft Parxus., Pa- and Grangoufier to relate a tale out of Slawkenbergius to tranflate, and all this in five minutes lefs than no time at all; fuch a head ! would to Heaven my enemies only faw the in- fide of it ! CHAP. XXXII. np HERE was not any one fcene more entertaining in our family and to do it juftice in this point ;- and I here put off my cap and lay it upon the table clofe beficle my ink-horn, on purpofe to make my declaration to the world concerning this one article the more folemn that I believe in my foul (unlefs my love and partiality to my understanding blinds me) the hand of the fupreme Maker and firft Defigner of all things never made or put a family to- gether (in that period at lead of it which J have fat down to write the flory of) 126 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS where the characters of it were caft or contrafted with fo dramatick a felicity as ours was, for this end ; or in which the capacities of affording fuch exquifite fcenes, and the powers of fluffing them perpetually from morning to night, were lodged and intruded with fo unlimited a confidence, as in the SHANDY FAMILY. Not any one of thefe was more divert- ing, I fay, in this whimfical theatre of ours than what frequently arofe out of this felf-fame chapter of long nofes efpecialiy when my father's ima- gination was heated with the enquiry, and nothing would ferve him but to heat my uncle Tory's too. My uncle Toby would give my father all poffible fair play in this attempt ; and with infinite patience would fit fmoking his pipe for whole hours together, whilft my father was praclifing upon his head, and trying every acceffible avenue to drive Prignltz and Scroderuis folutions into it. Whether they were above my uncle reafon or contrary to it OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 127 .. or that his brain was like damp timber, and no fpark could poffibly take hold or that it was fo full of faps, mines, blinds, curtins, and fuch mili- tary difqualifications to his feeing clearly into Prignitz and Scroderus's doctrines 1 fay not let fchoolmen fcullions, anatomifhs, and engineers, fight for it among themfelves 'Twas fome misfortune, I make no doubt, in this affair, that my father had every word of it to tranflate for the be- nefit of my uncle Toby, and render out of Slawkenbergius >< => Latin, of which, as he was no great mafter, his tranflation was not always of the pureft and gene- rally leaft fo where 'twas moft wanted. This naturally open'd a door to a fecond misfortune ; that in the warmer pa- roxyfms of his zeal to open my ucle Tobf* eyes my father's ideas ran on as much fafter than the tranflation, as the tranflation outmoved my uncle To- y s neither the one or the other added much to the perfpicuity of my fa- ther's lecture. 128 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS CHAP. XXXIII. *Tp H E gift of ratiocination and mak- ing fyllogifms 1 mean in man for in fuperior claries of being, fuch as angels and fpirits 'tis all done, may it pleafe your worships, as ' they tell me, by INTUITION; and beings inferior, as your worships all know fyllogize by their nofes: though there is an ifland fwimming in the fea (though not altoge- ther at its eafe) whofe inhabitants, if my intelligence deceives me not, are fo won- derfully gifted, as to fyllogize after the fame fafliion, and oft-times to make very well out too: but that's neither here nor there The gift of doing it as it mould be, amongft us, or the great and principal aft of ratiocination in man, as logicians tell us, is the rinding out the agreement or difagreement of two ideas one with another, by the intervention of a third (called the me dins terminus) ; juft as a man, as Locke well obierves, by a yard, OF TRISTRAM SHAND7. 12<) finds two mens nine-pin-alieys to be of the fame length, which could not be brought together, to meafure their equa- lity, \>y juxta-pqfition. Had the fame great reafoner looked on, as my father illuftrated his fyftems of nofes, and obferved my uncle ^Toby's deportment what great attention he gave to every word and as oft as he took his pipe from his mouth, with what wonderful ferioufnefs he contem- plated the length of it furveying it tranfverfely as he held it betwixt his finger and his thumb then fore- right then this way, and then that, in all its poffible directions and fore- fliortenings he would have con- cluded my uncle Toby had got hold of the medius terminus, and was fyllogizing and meafuring with it the truth of each hypothecs of long nofes, in order, as my father laid them before him. This, by- the-bye, was more than my father wanted his aim in all the pains he was at in thefe philofophick leftures was to ena- ble my uncle 'Toby not to dlfcup but 8 IjO THE LIKE AND OPINIONS comprehend to hold the grains and fcruples of learning not to weigh them. My uncle Toby, as you will read in the next chapter, did neither the one or the other. CHAP. XXXIV. *>Tri i s a pity, cried my father one -* winter's night, after a three hours painful tranilation of Slawkenbergius 'tis a pity, cried my father, putting my mother's threadpaper into the book for a mark, as he fpoke that truth, brother Toby, mould fhut herfelf up in fuch im- pregnable faflnefles, and be fo obflinate as not to furrender herfelf fometimes up upon the clofeft fiege. Now it happened then, as indeed it had often done before, that my uncle To- by's fancy, during the time of my father's explanation of Prignitz to him having nothing to flay it there, had tak- en a lliort. flight to the bowling-green; his body might as well have tak- en a turn there too fo that with all OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. IJ1 the femblance of a deep fchool-man in- tent upon the medius terminus my uncle 'toby was in fact as ignorant of the whole lecture, and all its pros and cons, as if my father had been tranflating Ha- fen Slawkenbergius from the Latin tongue into the Cherokee. But the word/^, like a talifmanic power, in my father's metaphor, wafting back my uncle Tory's fancy, quick as a note could follow the touch he open'd his cars and my father obferving that he took his pipe out of his mouth, and muffled his chair nearer the table, as with a defire to profit my father with great pleafure began his fentence again changing only the plan, and dropping the metaphor of the liege of it, to keep clear of fome dangers my father apprehended from it. 'Tis a pity, faid my father, that truth can only be on one fide, brother Toby confidering what ingenuity thefe learned men have all fhewn in their fo- lutions of nofes. Can nofes be dif- folved ? replied my uncle Toby. -My father thrufl back his chair VOL. II. & 13* THE LIFE AND OPINIONS rofe up put on his hat * took four long ftrides to the door jerked it open thruft his head half way out Ihut the. door again took no notice of the bad hinge re- turned to the table pluck'd my mo- ther's thread-paper out of Slawkenbergi- wj's book went haftily to his bu- reau walked flowly back twifted my mother's thread-paper about his thumb unbutton' d his waiflcoat threw my mother's thread-paper into the fire bit her fattin pin-cumion in two, fill'd his mouth with bran confounded it ; but mark ! the oath of confulion was levell'd at my uncle Tory's brain which was e'en confufed enough already - the curfe came charged only with the bran -the bran, may it pleafe your ho- nours, was no more than powder to the ball. 'Twas well my father's paflions lafted not long; for fo long as they did laft, they led him a bufy life on't; and it is one of the moft unaccountable problems tliat ever I met with in my obiervatioiw OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 133 . of human nature, that nothing mould prove my father's mettle fo much, or make his paffions go off fo like gun- powder, as the unexpected ftrokes his fcience met with from the quaint fimpli- city of my uncle Tory's queftions. Had ten dozen of hornets flung him be- hind in fo many different places all at one time he could not have exerted more mechanical functions in fewer fe- conds or ftarted half fo much, as with one fingle quaere of three words un- feafonably popping in full upon him in his hobby-horfical career. 'Twas all one to my uncle Toby he fmoked his pipe on with unvaried compofure his heart never intended offence to his brother and as his head could feldom find out where the fting of it lay he always gave my father the credit of cooling by himfelf. He was five minutes and thirty-five feconds about it in the prefent cafe. By all that's good ! faid my father, fvvearing, as he came to himfelf, and taking the oath out of Ermityhus's digeft K 1. 1J4 THfi LIFE AND of curfes (though to do my father juftice it was a fault (as he told Dr. Slop in the affair of Ermtlphws) which he as fel- dom committed as any man upon earth) . By all that's good and great ! brother Toby, faid my father, if it was not for the aids of philofophy, which be- friend one fo much as they do you would put a man befide all temper. Why, by t\\zfolutiom of nofes, of which I was telling you, I meant, as you might have known, had you favoured me with one grain of attention, the various ac- counts which learned men of different kinds of knowledge have given the world of the caufes of fhort and long nofes. There is no caufe but one, re- plied my uncle 'Toby why one man's nofe is longer than another's, but becauic that God pleafes to have it fo. That is Grangoujier's folution, faid my father. 'Tis he, continued my uncle Toby, looking up, and not regarding my fa- ther's interruption, who makes us all, and frames and puts us together in fuch forms and proportions, and for fuch ends, OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 135 as is agreeable to his infinite wifdom. 'Tis a pious account, cried my fa- ther, but not philofophical there is more religion in it than found fcience. 'Twas no inconfiflent part of my uncle 7W>/s character that he feared God, and reverenced religion. So the moment my father finiflied his remark my uncle Toby fell a whittling Lil- labullero with more zeal (though more out of tune) than ufual. What is become of my wife's thread- paper ? CHAP. XXXV. i^ o matter as an appendage to ^ feamftrefly, the thread-paper might be of fome conlequence to my mother of none to my father, as a mark in Slawkenbergius. Slaiukenbergius in every page of him was a rich treafure of inex- hauftible knowledge to my father he could not open him amifs ; and he would often fay in clofmg the book, that if all the arts and fciences in the world, with 136 TH LIFE AND OPINIONS the books which treated of them, were loft fhould the wifdom and policies of governments, he would fay, through dif- ufe, ever happen to be forgot, and all that ftatefmen had wrote or caufed to be written, upon the flrong or the weak fides of courts and kingdoms, fhould they be forgot alfo and Slawkenbergius only left there would be enough in him in all confcience, he would fay, to fet the world a-going again. A treafure therefore was he indeed ! an inftitute of all that was neceflary to be known of nofes, and every thing elfe at matln^ noon, and vcfpers was Hafen Slawkenber- ghis his recreation and delight : 'twas for ever in his hands you would have fworn, Sir, it had been a canon's prayer- book fo worn, fo glazed, fo contrited and attrited was it with fingers and with thumbs in all its parts, from one end even unto the other. I am not fuch a bigot to S/awkenbftgixs as my father; there is a fund in him, no doubt : but in my opinion, the beft, I don't fay the mofl profitable, but the OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. moft amufing part of Hafen Slawkenber- cr/w, is his tales and, confidermg he was a German, many of them told not without fancy: thefe take up his fecond book, containing nearly one of his folio, and are comprehended m te decads, each decad containing ten tales . Philofophy is not built upon tales ; and therefore 'twas certainly wrong in Slawkenbergius to fend them into the world by that name! there are a few of them in his eighth, ninth, and tenth decads, which I own feem rather playful and fportive, than fpeculative but in general they are to be looked upon by the learned as a detail of fo many inde- pendent fads, all of them turning round fomehow or other upon the mam hinges O fhisfubjea,andcolleaedbyhimwith crreat fidelity, and added to his work as fo many illuftrations upon the dodrmes of nofes. As we have leifure enough upon 01 lian ds if you give me leave, madam, I'll tell you the ninth tale of his tenth decad. 138 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS SLAWKENBERGII F ABE LL A.* T^IL SPERA quddam frigiduld, pofte- riori in parte menjls Augufti, ptregri- nus, mido fufco colore incident, mantled a tergo, paucis indujlis, hints calceis^ braccif- qne fericis coccineis repleta, Argento- ratum ingrejjiis eft. Militi eum percontanti, quum portus htraret dixit,fe apud Naforum promonto- riumfmjje, Francofurtum prqficifci, et Ar- gentoratum, tranfitu ad fines Sannati^e men- Jis interval/a, reverfurum. Miles peregrini in faciem fufpexit . Di boni, nova forma nafi ! At multum mihi profuit, inquit peregri- tws, carpum amento extrahens, e quo pepen- * As Haftn Slawkenbergius de No/is is extremely fcarce, it may not be unacceptable to the learned reader to fee the fpecimen of a few pages of his orii ginal j I will make no reflection upon it, but that his dory-telling Latin is much more concife than his philofophic and, I ibink, has more of J-atinity in it, TRISTRAM SHANDY. SLAWKENBERGIUS'g TALE. T T was one cool refrefhing evening, at the clofe of a very fultry c^ny, in the latter end of the month of Augitft, when a flranger, mounted upon a dark mule, with a fmall cloak-bag behind him, con- taining a few fhirts, a pair of (hoes, and a crimfon-fattin pair of breeches, entered the town of Strajbiirg. He told the centinel, who queftioned him as he entered the gates, that he had been at the Promontory of NOSES was going on to Frankfort and mould be back again at Strafburg that day month, in his way to the borders of Crim fartary. The centinel looked up into the ftran- ger's face he never faw fuch a Nofe in his life ! I have made a very good venture of it, quoth the flranger fo flipping his wrift out of the loop of a black ribbon, to 140 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS dit acinaces: Loculo mamtm infendt ; et magnd cum urbanitate^ pilei parte anteriors taftd manu Jitnjlrd, ut extendit dextram^ militi florinum fcdit et grocejit* J^olet miJii, ait miles ^ tympanljlam nanunt et valgwn alloquens t virum adeo urbanum vaginam perdidiJJ'e : itineran hand potent nudd acinaci; neque vaginam toto Argeii- torato, habilem inveniet. Nullam unrjitam habui, refpondit peregrinm refpi- cicns feque comiter inclinans hoc more gefto, nudam acinacem elevans, mu/% fentaprogrediente, ut nafum tueri poj/im. Non ImmentOj benigne peregrine^ refpon- dit miles. Nihili aftimoj ait ilk tympanifta> e per* gamend faftitius eft. Prout chr-iftianus Jum> intuit miks y nafus OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. I4t j which a (hort icymetar was hung, he put his hand into his pocket, and with great courtefy touching the fore part of his cap with his left hand, as he extended his right he put a florin into the center riel's hand, and pafled on. It grieves me, faid thecentinel, fpeak- ing to a little dwarfilh. bandy-legg'd drummer, that fo courteous a foul mould have loft his fcabbard he cannot , travel without one to his fcymetar, and will not be able to get a fcabbard to fit it in all Strajburg. I never had one, replied the llrangcr, looking back to the centinel, and putting his hand up to his cap as he fpoke 1 carry it, continued he, thus holding up his naked fcy- metar, his mule moving on flowly all the time on purpofe to defend my nofe. It is well worth it, gentle flranger, re- plied the centinel. r-'Tis not worth a fmgle ftiver, faid the bandy-legg'd drummer 'tis a nofe of parchment. As I am a true catholic except that 1^2 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS tile, ni /exiles major Jtt y meo e/et cottfor- mis. Crepitiire audivi ait tpnpanifta. . Mchtrculc! fanguincm emijit, refpondit imks. Miferet me, inquit tympanifta, qui no* anibo tetigimus ! Eodem temporis pun5to> quo Jiac res ar- g 'li'iiicntata fuit inter militttn et tympanijlam^ difceptabatur ibidem tubicine et uxore fud qui tune acceflerunt) et peregrino -prxtereun* te > re/lit enmt. Quantus unfits ! aqtte hngus eft y ait /- kicina, ac tuba* Et ex eodem metallo 9 ait tubicen^ vehtt Jternutame.nto audias. Ttintum abeft) refpondit ilia, quodfjtulam dulcedine vincit. ejl^ ait tubicen. refpondit uxor. Rurfum affirmo, ait tubicen, quod xneut *fi. Rem {.exit us exphrabo- y prius, enim di~ gito taagam, ail uxor, qnam dormivero^ OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 14$ it is fix times as big 'tis a nofe, faid the centinel, like my own. I heard it crackk, faid the drummer. By dunder, faid the centinel, I faw it bleed. What a pity, cried the bandy-lcgg'd drummer, we did not both touch it ! At the very time that this difpute was maintaining by the centinel and the drummer was the fame point debating betwixt a trumpeter and a trumpeter's wife, who werejuft then coming up, and had flopped to fee the ftranger pafs by. Benedidty ! What a nofe ! 'tis as long, faid the trumpeter's wife, as a trumpet. And of the fame metal faid the trum- peter, as you hear by its fneezing. 'Tis as foft as a flute, faid (he. 'Tis brafs, faid the trumpeter. 'Tis a pudding's end, faid his wife. I tell thee again, faid the trumpeter, Vis a brazen nofe, I'll know the bottom of it, {aid the trumpeter's wife, for I will touch it with my ringer before I fleep. .144 . THE LIFE AND OPINIONS Mulus peregrini gradu knto progreflits {Jt> lit untfmquodqMf verbum controverjix, : new tantum inter milhem ct tympaniftam* . verum etiam. inter tublcinem et uxorem ejns 9 audiret. Nequaqiiam, ait tile, in muli colhim frtsna demittens^ et manibus ambabus in : peElus pojjtis, (mulo lente progrediente) ne- quaqitam, ait ilk refpiciens, non neceffe eft lit res ijlhtfc dihtcidataforet. Minime gen- tium ! mem nafus nunqttam tangetur^ dum fpiritus hos reget artus Ad quid agen- dum ? air uxor burgomagiftri. 'Peregrinus illi non refpondit. Votum faciebat tune temporh fanEio Nicolao ; quo faSlO) Jinum dextrum inferens., e qua negli- genter pependit acinaces, lento gradu pro- cejjit per plateam Argentorati latam qu# ad dherjor'mm templo ex ad-verfum ducit. 6F TRISTRAM SHANDY. 14$ The ftranger's mule moved on at ib flow a rate, that he heard every word of the difpute, not only betwixt the centi- nel and the drummer, but betwixt the trumpeter and trumpeter's wife. No ! faid he, dropping his reins upon his mule's neck, and laying both his hands upon his breaft, the one over the other in a faint-like pofition (his mule going on eafily all the time) No ! faid he, looking up I am not fuch a debtor to the world flandered and difap- pointed as I have been as to give it that conviction no ! faid he, my nofe (hall never be touched \vhilil Heaven gives me ftrength- To do what r faid a burgomafler's wife. The flranger took no notice of the burgomafler's wife he was making a vow to .Saint Nicolas ; which done, having uncrofled his arms with the fame folemnity with which he croiTed them, he took up the reins of his bridle with his left-hand, and putting his right hand into his bofom, with the [cyme tar hang- ing loofely to the wriil of it, hV rode on, THE LIFE AND OPINIONS Peregrinus mulo defcendens jlabulo in- cludi, et manticam inferri jujjii : qud aperta et coctineis fericis femoralibus extracts cum argento ladnlato Ilf/u^aim, his fife induit^jlatimqiie^ acinaci in manu > ad fo- rum deambulavit. Quod ubi peregrinus ejjet ingrejjus^ itxo- rem tiibicinls obviam euntem afpicit ; Ulico curfum flettit i metuens ne nafus fitus explo- raretur, afque ad diver for him regrejjus eft. exiut fe veftibus ; braccas coccineas fe- ricas mantle a impofuit mulumque educi Francofurtum proficifcor, ait ?7!e, et Ar- gentoratum quatuor ab/iinc hebdomadis re* vertar. OP TRISTRAM SHANDY. 147 a* flowly as one foot of the mule could follow another, thro* the principal ftreets of Stra/burgj till chance brought him to the great inn in the market-place over- againft the church. The moment the ftranger alighted, he ordered his mule to be led into the fla- ble, and his cloak-bag to be brought in ; then opening, and taking out of it his crimfon-fattin breeches, with a filver- fringed (appendage to them, which I dare not tranilate) he put his breeches, with his fringed cod-piece on, and forth- with, with his fhort Icymetar in his hand, walked out to the grand parade. The ftranger had juft taken three turns upon the parade, when he perceived the trumpeter's wife at the oppofite fide of it fo turning fhort, in pain left his nofe fhould be attempted, he inftantly went back to his inn undrefied himfelf, pack- ed up his crimfon-fattin breeches, &c. in his cloak-bag, and called for his mule. I am going forwards, faid the ftranger, for Frankfort and mall be back at Strajburg this day month. VOL. II. L 148 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS Bene cur aft i hoc jumentnm ? (ah) muli faciem manu demulcent me, manticamque meam, plus fexcentis milk pajjibus portavit. Longa via eft ! refpondet Jiofpes, nifipht* rlmiim effet negoti. Enimvero, ait* peregri- tilts, a Naforum promonlorio redii, et nafum fpeciojiflimum, egregiofiffimumque qucm tin* quam qitifquam fortitus eft t acqiiifivi f Dum peregrinus Jianc mlram ratlonem dc feipfo reddit y hofpes et nxor ejtis, ociilis in- tentis, peregrini nafum contemplantur Per fanclos fanclafqne omnes, ait hofpitis. iiKor^ najis diiodecim maximis in toto Ar gen- tor ato major eft ! eftne, ait ilia mariti in aurem infufurrans, nonns eft nafus pr Nul- /am, refpondit peregrinus, donee pervenio ad Quem locum, obfecro ? ait ilia Peregrinus nil refpondtns mulo confcenfo tijcejjit. Or TRISTRAM SHANDY. II 'Tis an impofture, my dear, faid the mafter of the inn ''tis a falfe nofe. 'Tis a true nofe, faid his wife. 'Tis made of fir-tree, faid he, I fmell the turpentine. There's a pimple on it, faid me. 'Tis a dead nofe, replied the inn- keeper, 'Tis a live nofe, and if I am alive my- felf, faid the inn-keeper's wife, I will touch it. J have made a vow to faint Nicolas this day, faid the ftranger, that my nofe (hall not be touched till Here the ftranger iufpending his voice, looked up. i Till when ? {aid (he haftily. It never fliall be touched, faid he, clafping his hands and bringing them clofe to his bread, till that hour What hour ? cried the inn keeper's wife, Ne- ver ! never ! faid the ftranger, never till I am got For Heaven's fake, into what place ? faid fhe-~ The ftranger rode away without faying a word. 1^2, THE LIFE AND OPINIONS The ilranger had not got half a league on his way towards Frankfort before all the city of Strajburg was in an uproar about his nofe. The Compline bells were juft ringing to call the Strajbnrgers to their devotions, and (hut up the duties of the day in prayer: no foul in all Strajburg heard 'em- the city was like a fwarm of bees men, women, and children, (the Compline bells tinkling all the time) flying here and there in at one door, out at another this way and that way long ways and crofs ways up one ftreet, down another ftreet in at this alley, out of that did you fee it ? did you fee it ? did you fee it ? O! did you fee it? who faw it ? who did fee it ? for mercy's fake, who faw it ? Alack o'day! I was at vefpers ! I was wafliing, I was flarching, I was fcouring, I was quilting God help me ! I never faw it 1 never touch'd it! would I had been a centiriel, a bandy-legg'd drummer, a trumpeter, a trumpeter's wife, was the general cry and OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 153 lamentation in every ftreet and corner of Strajbnrg. Whilfl all this confufion and diforder triumphed throughout the great city of Strq/burgi was the courteous ftranger going on as gently upon his mule in his way to Frankfort* as if he had no con-. cern at all in the affair talking all the way he rode in broken fentences, fometimes to his mule fometimes to himfelf fometimes to his Julia. O Julia, my lovely Julia ! nay I can- not flop to let thee bite that thiftle that ever the fufpecled tongue of a rival mould have robbed me of enjoyment when I was upon the point of tafting Pugh ! 'tis nothing but a thiftle never mind it thou flialt have a better fupper at night. Baniih'd from my country my friends -from thee. Poor devil, thou'rt fadly tired with thy journey ! come get on a little fafter there's nothing in my cloak-bag but two fliirts a crimfon-fattin pair 14 154 THE LIFE AND of breeches, and a fringed Dear Julia ! But why to Frankfort ? is it that there is a hand unfelt, which fecretly is conducting me through theie meanders and unfufpected tracts ? Stumbling ! by faint Nicolas ! every ftep why at this rate we fhall be all night in getting in To happinefs or am I to be the fport of fortune and flander deftin- ed to be driven forth unconvicted unheard untouch'd if fo, why did I not flay at Str -a/bur -g y where juftice but I had fworn ! Come, thou malt drink to St. Nicolas O Julia ! - What doft thou prick up thy ears at ? 'tis nothing but a man, fcfr. The ftranger rode on communing in this manner with his mule and Julia till he arrived at his inn, where, as foon as he arrived, he alighted favv his mule, as he had promifed it, taken good care of took off his cloak-bag, with his crimfon-fattin breeches, csV. in it called for an omelet to his fupper, went OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 155 to his bed about twelve o'clock, and in five minutes fell faft aflecp. It was about the fame hour when the tumult in Str a/bur g being abated for that night, th- StraJbwrgffS had all got quietly into their beds but not like the ftranger, for the reft either of their minds or bodies ; queen Mab, like an elf as me was, had taken the ftranger's nofe, and without reduction of its bulk, had that night been at the pains of flitting and dividing it into as many nofes of differ- ent cuts and fafliions, as there were heads in Sir a/burg to hold them. The abbefs of Quedlingberg, who with the four great dignitaries of her chapter, the prioreis, the deanefs, the fub-chantrefs, and fenior canonefs, had that week come to Stra/burg to confult the univerfity upon a cafe of conlcience relating to their placket-holes was ill all the night. The courteous Granger's nofe had got perched upon the top of the pineal gland of her brain, and made fuch routing work in the fancies of the four great dignita* 1^6 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS ries of her chapter, they could not get a wink of fleep the whole night thro' for it there was no keeping a limb flill amongft them . in fliort, they got up like fo many ghofts. The penitentiaries of the third order of faint Francis the nuns of mount Calvary tiie PtY. 159 equal eloquence in all places, were fpoken and fworn to concerning it, that turned the whole ftream of all difcourfe and wonder towards it every foul, good and bad rich and poor -learned and un- learned dodor and fludent mif- trefs and maid gentle and fimple nun's fleQi and woman's fleili, in Sir a/burg fpent their time in hearing tidings about it every eye in Strajburg languiflied to fee it every finger every thumb in Strajburg burned to touch it. Now what might add, if any thing may be thought neceflary to add, to fo vehement a deiire was this, that the centind, the bandy-legg'd drummer, the trumpeter, the trumpeter's wife, the bur- gomafter's widow, the mafter of the inn, and the mafter of the inn's wife, how widely foever they all differed every one from another in their teftimonies and de- fcription of the ftranger's nofe they all agreed together in two points namely, that he was gone to Frankfort^ and would not return to Strajburg till that day l6o THE LIFE AND OPINIONS month; and fecondly, whether his nofe was true or falfe, that the flranger him- felf was one of the mofl perfect paragons of beauty the finefl-made man the mofl genteel ! the mofl generous of his purfe the moil courteous in his carriage * that had ever entered the gates of Straf- burg that as he rode, with fcymetar Hung loofely to his wrift, thro' the flreets and walked with his crimfon-fattin breeches acrofs the parade 'twas with fo fweet an air of carclefs modefty, and fo manly withal as would have put the heart in jeopardy (had his note not flood in his way) of every virgin who had caft her eyes upon him. I call not upon that heart which is a flranger to the throbs and yearnings of curiofity, fo excited, to juflify the ab* befs of Quedlingberg, the priorefs, the deanefs, and fub-chantrefs, for fending at noon-day for the trumpeter's wife : me went through the flreets of Stra/burg with her huiband's trumpet in her hand, the beil apparatus the flraitncfs of the time would allow her, for the illuf- OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. l6l tration of her theory flie ftaid no longer than three days. The centinel and bandy-legg'd drum- mer ! nothing on this fide of old Athens could equal them ! they read their lectures under the city-gates to comers and goers, with all the pomp of a Chry- Jippits and a Crantor in their porticos. The mafter of the inn, with his oftler on his left-hand, read his alfo in the fame ftile under the portico or gateway of his ftable-yard his wife, hers more privately in a back room : all flocked to their lectures; not promifcuoufly but to this or that, as is ever the way, as faith and credulity marmal'd them in a word, each Strafburger came croud- ing for intelligence and every Straf- burger had the intelligence he wanted. *Tis worth remarking, for the benefit of all demonftrators in natural philofo- phy, &c. that as foon as the trumpeter's -wife had finimed the abbefs of Quedling- berg'.s private lecture, and had begun to read in public, which (he did upon a ftool in the middle of the great parade, 9 l62 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS me incommoded the other demon- ftrators mainly, by gaining incontinently the mod fafhionable part of the city of Stra/burg for her auditory But when a demonftrator in philofophy (cries Slaw- kenberghis) has a trumpet for an appara- tus, pray what rival in fcience can pre- tend to be heard befides him ? Whilft the unlearned, thro' thefe con- duits of intelligence, were all bufied in getting down to the bottom of the well, where TRUTH keeps her little court - were the learned in their way as bufy in pumping her up thro' the con- duits of dialect induction they con- cerned themfelves not with facts they reafoned Not one profeffion had thrown more light upon this fubjecl than the Faculty had not all their difputes about it run into the affair of Wens and cedema- tous fwellings, they could not keep clear of them for their bloods and fouls the ftranger's nofe had nothing to do ei- ther with wens or oedematous fwellings. It was demonftrated however very fa* OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 163 tisfactorily, that fuch a ponderous mafs *>f heterogenous matter could not be .congefted and conglomerated to the nofe, \vhilft the infant was in Utera, without deftroying the ftatical balance of the foetus, and throwing it plump upon its 'head nine months before the time. The opponents granted the the- ory they denied the confequences. .And if a fui table provision of veins, -arteries, &c. faid they, was not laid in, -for the due nourimment of fuch a nofe, in the very firft ftamina and rudiments of its formation, before it came into the world (bating the cafe of Wens) it could not regularly grow and be fuftained after- Wards. This was all anfwered by a differta- tion upon nutriment, and the effect which .nutriment had in extending the veflels, .and in the increafe and prolongation of the mufcular parts to the great eft growth and expanfion imaginable In the tri- umph of which theory, they went fo far -as to affirm, that there was no caufe in VOL. II. M 164 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS nature, why a nofe might not grow to the fizcofthe man himfelf. The refpondents fatisfied the world this event could never happen to them fo long as a man had but one flora ach and one pair of lungs For the fto- mach, faid they, being the only organ deftined for the reception of food, and turning it into chyle and the lungs the only engine of fanguification it could poffibly work off no more, than what the appetite brought it: or admitting the poffibility of a man's overloading his ilomach, nature had fet bounds however to his lungs the engine was of a deter- mined fize and ftrength, and could ela- borate but a certain quantity in a given time that is, it could produce juft as much blood as was fufficient for one fingle man, and no more; fo that, if there was as much nofe*as man they proved a mortification muft neccfiarily enfue; and forafmuch as there could not be a fupport for both, that the nofe mull either fall off from the man, OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 165 or the man inevitably fall off from his .nofe. Nature accommodates herfelf to thefe ^emergencies, cried the opponents elfe what do you fay to the cafe of a whole flomach a whole pair of lungs,'and but half a man, when both his legs have been unfortunately mot off? He dies of a plethora, faid they- or muft fpit blood, and in a fortnight or three weeks go off in a confump- tion. It happens otherwife replied the opponents. It ought not, faid they. The more curious and intimate in- quirers after nature and her doings, though they went hand in hand a good way together, yet they all divided about the nofe at laft, almoil as much as the Faculty itfelf. They amicably laid it down, that there was a juft and geometrical arrangement and proportion of the feveral parts of the hum-in frame to its feveral deftinations, offices, and fund ions, which could not M 2 l66 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS be tranfgrefTed but within certain limits that nature, though (he fported Hie fported within a certain circle ; and they could not agree about the diameter of it. The logicians ftuck much clofer to the point before them than any of the claiTes of the literati ; they began and ended with the word Nofe ; and had it not been for a petit io principii, which one of the ablefl of them ran his head againft in the beginning of the combat, the whole controverfy had been fettled at once. A nofe, argued the logician, cannot bleed without blood and not only blood but blood circulating in it to fupply the phenomenon with a fuccef- fion of drops (a dream being but a quicker fucceffion of drops, that is in- cluded, faid he.) Now death, conti- nued the logician, being nothing but the flagnation of the blood I deny the definition Death is the feparation of the foul from the body, faid his antagonift Then we don't OF TRISTRAM SHANI>Y. 167 agree about our weapons, faid the logician Then there is an end of the difpute, replied the antagonift. The civilians were ftill more concife : what they offered being more in the na- ture of a decree than a difpute. Such a monflrous nofe, faid they, had it been a true nofe, could not pof- fibly have been fuffered in civil fociety and if falfe to impofe upon fociety with fuch falfe figns and tokens, was a ftill greater violation of its rights, and mud have had ftill lefs mercy fhewn it. The only objection to this was, that if it proved any thing, it proved the ftran- ger's nofe was neither true nor falfe. This left room for the controverfy to go on. It was maintained by the advo- cates of the ecclefiaftic court, that there xvas nothing to inhibit a decree, fince the ftranger ex mero motu had confefled he had been at the Promontory of Nofes, and had got one of the goodlieft, &c. ffc. To this it was anfwercd, it Avas impoffible there (hould be fuch a place as the Promontory of Nofes, and M 3 l68 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS the learned be ignorant where it laf. The commiflary of the bifhop of Straf- burg undertook the advocates, explained this matter in a treatife upon proverbial phrafes, fhewing them, that the Promon- tory of Nofes was a mere allegorick ex- preffion, importing no more than that nature had given him a long nofe: in proof of which, with great learning, he cited the underwritten authorities*, which had decided the point inconteftably, had it not appeared that a difpute about * Nonnulli ex noftraiibus eadem loquendi formula utua. Quinimo & Logiftx & Canoniftae Vid. Parct Barne Jas in d. L. Provincial. Conftitut. de conjee, vid. Vol. Lib. 4. Titul. i. n. 7 qua etiam in re confpir. Om de Promontorio Naf. Tichmak. ff. d, lit. 3. fol. 189. paffim. Vid. Glof. de contrahend. cmpt. &c. necnon J. Scrudr. in cap. refut. per to- turn. Cum his conf. Rever. J. Tubal, Sentent. & Prov. cap. 9. fF. u, 12. obiter. V. & Librum, cui Tit. de Terris & Phraf. Belg. ad finem, cum com- ment. N. Bardy Belg. Vid. Scrip. Argentotarenf. de Antiq. Ecc. in Epifc. Archiv. fid coll. per Von Jacobum Kcinfhovea Folio Argent. 1583. pra;cip. ad finem. Qi^ibus add. Rebuff in L. obvenire dc Signif. Norn. fF. fol. & de jure Gent. & Civil, de protib. aliena feud, per federa, teft. Joha. Luxius in prolegom. quern velim, videas, de Analy, Cap. i, 2,. 3. Vid. Idea, OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 169 fome franchifes of dean and chapter- lands had been determined by it nineteen years before. It happened 1 muft not fay un- luckily for Troth, becaufe they were giving her a lift another way in fo doing ; that the two univerfities of Strajburg the Lutheran, founded in the year 1538 by Jacobus Surmis, counfellor of the ie- nate, - and the Popt/h, founded by Leopold, arch-duke of Anjlria, were, during all this time, employing the whole depth of their knowledge (except juft what the affair of the abbefs of Quedling- berg's placket-holes required) in de- termining the point of Martin Luther's damnation. The Popt/h doctors had undertaken to demonftrate a priori, that from the ne- ceffary influence of the planets on the twenty- fecond day ofOftobcr 1483 when the moon was in the twelfth houfe, Jupiter, Mars, and Venus in the third, the Sun, Saturn, and Mercury, all got to- gether in the fourth that he mull in courfe, and unavoidably, be a damn'd M4 170 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS man and that his doctrines, by a direct corollary, muft be damn'd doctrines too. By infpection into his horofcope, where five planets were in coition all at once with Scorpio * (in reading this my father would always (hake his head) in the ninth houfe, with the Arabians allotted to religion it appeared that Martin Luther did not care one ftiver about the matter' and that from the horo- fcope directed to the conjunction of Mars- they made it plain likewife he muft die curling and blafpheming with the blaft of which his foul (being fteep'd in guilt) failed before the wind, in the lake of hell-fire. The little objection of the Lutheran * Haec mira, fatifque horrenda. Planetarum coitio fub Scorpio Aftcrifmo in nona cceli ftatione, quam Arabes religion! dejuitabant efficit Martmum Lutherum iacrilegum hereticum, ChrilUanae religionis hoftem acer-j rimum atque prophanum, ex horofcopi direflione ad Mar- tis coitum, religiofiffimus obiit, ejus Anima fceleftiffima ad infernos navigavit ab Aleto, Tifiphone & Me- gara flagellis igneis cruciata perenniter. Lucas Gaurieus in Traftatu aftrologico de prae- teiitis muUorum hcrntnum accidentibus per genituras OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 17! doctors to this, was, that it muft cer- tainly be the foul of another man, bom OR. 22, 83 1 which was forced to fail down before the wind in that manner inafmuch as it appeared from the regifter viljlaben in the county of Mansfelt, that Luther was not born in the year 1483, but in 845 and not on the 2zd day of OSlober, but on the loth of November, the eve of Martinmas day, from whence he had the name of Martin. [ 1 muft break off my tranflation for a moment ; for if I did not, I know Ifhould no more be able to (hut my eyes in bed, than the abbefs of Quedlingberg It is to tell the reader; that my fa- ther never read this paflage of Slaivken- bergius to my uncle fo&y s but with tri- umph not over my uncle Toby, for he never oppofed him in it but over the whole world. Now you fee, brother Toby, he would fay, looking up, " that chriftian " names are not fuch indifferent things;" had Luther here been called by any other name but Martin, he would IJ2 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS have been damn'd to all eternity Not that I look upon Martin, he would add, as a good name far from it 'tis fomething better than a neutral, and but a little yet little as it is you fee it was of fome fervice to him. My father knew the weaknefs of this prop to his hypothefis, as well as the beft logician could fiiew him yet fo ftrange is the weaknefs of man at the fame time, as it fell in his way, he could not for his life but make ufe of it; and it was certainly for this reafon, that though there are many ftories in Hafen Slaiykenbergius's Decades full as enter- taining as this 1 am tranflating, yet there is not one amongft them which my father read over with half the delight it flattered two of his ftrangeft hypothefes together his NAMES and his NOSES. 1 will be bold to fay, he might have read all the books in the Alexandrian Li- brary, had not fate taken other care of them, and not have met with a book or paflage in one, which hit two fuch nails as thcfc upon the head at one ftroke.] OP TRISTRAM SHANDY. 173 The two univerfities of Strafourg were hard tugging at this affair GfLvtfor'S na- vigation. The Proteftant doctors had demonftrated, that he had not failed right before the wind, as the Popifh doc- tors had pretended; and as every one knew there was no failing full in the teeth of it they were going to fettle, in cafe he had failed, how many points he was off; whether Martin had doubled the cape, or had fallen upon a lee-fhore; and no doubt, as it was an enqu iry of much edification, at leaft to thofe who under- flood this fort of NAVIGATION, they had gone on with it in fpite of the fize of the ftranger's nofe, had not the fize of the flranger's nofe drawn off the attention of the world from what they were about it was their bufinefs to follow. The abbefs of Qmdlingberg and her four dignitaries was no ftop; for the enormity of the ftranger's nofe running full as much in their fancies as their cafe of confcience the affair of their placket-holes kept cold in a word, the 4 174 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS printers were ordered to diftribute their types all controverfies dropp'd. 'Twas a fquare cap with a filver tafTel upon the crown of it to a nut-mell to have guefled on which fide of the nofe the two univerfities would fplit. 'Tis above reafon, cried the doctors on one fide. 'Tis below reafon, cried the others. 'Tis faith, cried one. 'Tis a fiddle-flick, faid the other. 'Tis poffible, cried the one. 'Tis impoffible, faid the other. God's power is infinite, cried the No- farians, he can do any thing. He can do nothing, replied the Apti- nofarians, which implies contradictions. He can make matter think, faid the Nofarians. As certainly as you can make a velvet cap out of a fow's ear, replied the Anti- nolarians. He cannot make two and two five, re- plied the Popifh doctors. 'Tis falfe, faid their other opponents. OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 175 Infinite power is infinite power, faid the doctors who maintained the reality of the nofe. It extends only to all poffible things, replied the Lutherans. By God in heaven, cried the Popifli doctors, he can make a nofe, if he thinks fit, as big as the fteeple of Sir a/burg. Now the fteeple of Strajburg being the biggeft and the tailed church-fteeple to be feen in the whole world, the Anti- nofarians denied that a nofe of 575 geo- metrical feet in length could be worn, at leaft by a middle- fiz'd man The Po- pifli doctors fwore it could The Lu- theran doctors faid No; it could not. This at once ftarted a new difpute, which they purfued a great way, upon the extent and limitation of the moral and natural attributes of God That con- troverfy led them naturally into Thomas Aquinas , and Thomas Aquinas to the devil. The Granger's nofe was no more heard of in the difpute itjuft ferved as a fri- gate to launch them into the gulph of Ij6 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS fchool-divinity and then they all failed before the wind. Heat is in proportion to the want of true knowledge. The controverfy about the attributes, cdV. inftead of cooling, on the contrary had inflamed the Strajlurgers imagina- tions to a moft inordinate degree The lefs they underflood of the matter the greater was their wonder about it they were left in all the diftreiTes of de- fire unfatisfied faw their doctors, the Parchment arians, the BraJJarians, the Tur- fentarians, on one fide the Popim doc- tors on the other, like Pantagruel and his companions in queftof the oracle of the bottle, all embarked out of fight. The poor Straflwgers left upon the beach ! What was to be clone ? No delay the uproar increafed every one in diforder the city gates fet open. Unfortunate Strajlurgers ! was there in the (lore-houfe of nature was there OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 177 in the lumber-rooms of learni ng - was there in the great arfenal of chance, one fingle engine left undrawn forth to torture your curiofities, and ftretch your defires, which was not pointed by the hand of Fate to play upon your hearts ? I dip not my pen into my ink to ex- cufe the furrender of yourfelves 'tis to . write your panegyrick. Shew me a city fo macerated with expectation who neither eat, or drank, or flept, or pray- ed, or hearkened to the calls either of re- ligion or nature, for feven-and-twenty days together, who could have held out one day longer. On the twenty-eighth the courteous flranger had promifed to return to Straf- burg. Seven thoufand coaches (SJawkenbtr- rins muil certainly have made fome mif- t;ike in his numeral characters) 7000 coaches 15000 ilngle-horfe chairs 2.0000 waggons, crowded as full as they could all hold with ienators, coun- cilors, fyndicks beguines, widows, vvives, virgins, canons, concubines, all 178 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS in their coaches The abbefs of Qned- Imgbergi with the priorefs, the deanefs and fub- chant refs, leading the procefiion in one coach, and the dean of Strajburg^ with the four great dignitaries of his chapter, on her left-hand' the reft fol- lowing higglety-pigglety as they could ; fome on horfeback fome on foot fome led fome driven fome down the Rhine fome this way fome that all fet out at fun-rife to meet the courteous ftranger on the road. Hafte we now towards the cataftrophe of my tale 1 fay Cataftrophe (cries Slawkenkergius) inafmuch as a tale, with parts rightly difpofed, not only rejoiceth (gaudet) in the Cataftrophe and Peripeitia of a DRAMA, but rejoiceth moreover in all the eflential and integrant parts of it it has its Protafi^ Epitafis, Cat aft a- fis, its Cataftrophe or Peripeitia growing one out of the other in it, in the order Ariflotle firfl planted them without which a tale had better never be told at all, fays &tawkeo$erg1ffs t but be kept to a man's felf. OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 179 In all my ten tales, in all my ten de- cades, have I Slawkenbergius tied down every tale of them as tightly to this rule, as I have done this of the ftranger and his nofe. From his firft parley with the centinel, to his leaving the city of Straf- burg, after pulling off his cnmfon-fattin pair of breeches, is the Protajls or find entrance where the characters of the Per/on* Dramatis are juft touched in, and the fubject flightly begun. The Epitajis, wherein the action is more fully entered upon and heightened, till it arrives at its ftate or height called the Gatajlafis, and which ufually takes up the 2d and 3d act, is included within that bufy period of my tale, betwixt the firft night's uproar about the nofe, to the conclufion of the trumpeter's wife's lectures upon it in the middle of the grand parade : and from the firft em- barking of the learned in the difpute to the doctors finally failing away, and leaving the Strafbnrgers upon the beach in diftrefs, is the Catajlajis or the ripen- VOL. II. N l8o THE LIFE AND OPINIONS ing of the incidents and paffions for their burfting forth in the fifth act. This commences with the fetting out of the Stra/burgers in the Frankfort road, and terminates in unwinding the laby- rinth and bringing the hero out of a flate of agitation (as Ariftoth calls it) to a Hate of reft and quietnefs. This, fays Hafen Slawkenbergius, con- flitutes the Cataftrophe or Peripeitia of my tale and that is the part of it I am going to relate. We left the ftranger behind the cur- tain afleep he enters now upon the flage. What doft thou prick up thy ears at ? 'tis nothing but a man upon a horfe was the laft word the ftranger uttered to his mule. It was not proper then to tell the reader, that the mule took his mafter'sword for it j and without any more ifs or ands* let the traveller and his horfe pafs by. The traveller was haftening with all diligence to get to Strafburg that night. What a fool am I, faid the traveller OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. l8l io himtelf, when he had rode about a league farther, to think of getting into Strajburg this night. Strajburg I the great Strajburg I Strajburg, the capi- tal of all Alfatia ! Strafburg y an imperial city ! Strajbiirg, a fovereign Rate ! Straf- burg, garrifoned with five thoufand of the beft troops in all the world ! Alas ! if I was at the gates of Strajburg this moment, I could not gain admittance into it for a ducat nay a ducat and half 'tis too much better go .back to the laft inn I have pafled than lie I know not where or give I know not what. The traveller, as he made thefe reflections in his mind, turned his horie's head about, and three minutes after the ftranger had been conducted into his chamber, he arrived at the fame inn. We have bacon in the houfe, faid the hoft, and bread and till eleven o'clock this night had three eggs in it but a ftranger, who arrived an hour ago, has had them drefled into an omelet, and we have nothing. N 2 l82 TrfE LIFE AND OPINIONS Alas ! faid the traveller, harafled as I am, I want nothing but a bed. I have one as foft as is in Alfatia, faid the hoft. The ftranger, continued he, fhould have flept in it, for 'tis my beft bed, but upon the fcore of his nofe. He has got a defluxion, faid the traveller. Not that I know, cried the hoft. But 'tis a camp-bed, and Jacinta> faid he, looking towards the maid, ima- gined there was not room in it to turn his nofe in. Why fo ? cried the traveller, ftarting back. It is fo long a nofe, replied the hoft. The traveller fixed his eyes upon Jacinta, then upon the ground kneeled upon his right knee had juft got his hand laid upon his bread Trifle not with my anxiety, faid he, rifing up again. 'Tis no trifle, faid Jacinta 9 'tis the moft glorious nofe ! The traveller fell upon his knee again laid his hand upon his breaft then, faid he, looking up to heaven, thou haft conducted me to the end of my pilgrimage 'Tis Diego. OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 183 The traveller was the brother of the Julia, fo often invoked that night by the flranger as he rode from Strajburg upon his mule ; and was come, on her part, in queft of him. He had accompanied his fifter from Valadolid acrois the Pyrenean mountains through France ', and had many an entangled fkein to wind off in pur- fuit of him through the many meanders and abrupt turnings of a lover's thorny tracks. Julia had funk under it and had not been able to go a flep far- ther than to Lyons, where, with the many difquietudes of a tender heart, which all talk of but few feel me licken'dj but had juft ftrength to write a letter to Diego; and having conjured her brother never to fee her face till he had found him our, and put the letter into his hands, Julia took to her bed. Fernandez (for that was her brother's name) tho' the camp-bed was as foft as any one in Alface, yet he could not fhut his eyes in it. As foon as it was day he role, and hearing Dkgo was rifen 3 184 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS too, he entered his chamber, and dif- charged his filler's commiffion. The letter was as follows : " Seig. DIEGO, " Whether my fufpicions of your nofe " were juftly excited or not 'tis " not now to inquire it is enough I " have not had nrmnefs to put them to " farther tryal. " How could I know fo little of my- 'twas not the French* 'twas CURIOSITY pomed them open The French in- deed, who are ever upon the catch, when they faw the S>tr a/burgers^ men, women and children, all inarched out to follow the Granger's nofe each man followed his own, and marched in. Trade and manufactures have decayed and gradually grown down ever fince but not from any caufe which commer- cial heads have affigned ; for it is owing to this only, that Nofes have ever fo run in their heads, that the Strajburgers could not follow their bufinefs. Alas I alas ! cries Slawkenbergiits, mak- ing an exclamation it is not the firft OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 1QI I fear will not be the laft for- trefs that has been either won or loft by NOSES. The END of Slawkenber glut's TALE. CHAP. XXXVI. TTT i T H all this learning upon Nofes running perpetually in my fa- ther's fancy with fo many family pre- judices and ten decades of fuch tales running on for ever along with them * how was it poffible with fuch exquifite was it a true nofe ? That a man with fuch exquifite feelings as my father had, could bear the mock at all below flairs or indeed above flairs, in any other poflure, but the very pofture I have defcribed ? Throw yourfelf down upon the bed, a dozen times taking care only to place a looking-glafs firft in a chair on one fide of it, before you do it But 192 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS was the ftranger's nofe a true nofe, or was it a falfe one ? To tell that before -hand, madam, would be to do injury to one of the beft tales in the Chrifltan- world j and that is the tenth of the tenth decade, which im- mediately follows this. This tale, cried Slawkenbergius, fome- what exultingly, has been referved by me for the concluding tale of my whole work ; knowing right well, that when I fliall have told it, and my reader fliall have read it thro* 'twould be even high time for both of us to (hut up the book ; iuafmuch, continues Slawkenbergius, as I know of no tale which could pofiibly ever go down after it. 'Tis a tale indeed ! This fets out with the mil interview in the inn at Lyons, when -Fernandez left the courteous flranger and his filler Ju- lia alone in her chamber, and is over- written OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 193 The INTRICACIES o F Diego and Julia. Heavens ! thou art a ftrange creature, Slawkenbergim ! what a whimfical view of the involutions of the heart of woman haft thou opened ! how this can ever he tranflated, and yet if this fpecimen of Slawkenbergins's tales, and the exquifi- tivenefs of his moral, mould pleafe the world tranflated fhall a couple of vo- lumes be. Elfe, how this can ever be tranflated into good EngltjJi^ I have no fort of conception There ieems in fonie paflages to want a fixth fenfe to do it rightly. What can he mean by the lambent pupilability of flow, low, dry chat, five notes below the natural tone which you know, madam, is little. more than a whifper ? The moment 1 pronounced the words, I could perceive an attempt towards a vibration in the firings, about the region of the heart. 194 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS The brain made no acknowledg- ment. There's often no good under- flanding betwixt 'em I felt as if I un- derftood it. 1 had no ideas. The movement could not be without caufe. I'm loft. I can make nothing of it unlefs, may it pleafe your wurfhips, the voice, in that cafe being little more than a whifper, unavoidably forces the eyes to approach not only within fix inches of each other but to look into the pupils is not that dangerous ? But it can't be avoided for to look up to the deling, in that cafe the two chins una- voidably meet and to look down into each other's lap, the foreheads come to immediate contact, which at once puts an end to the conference 1 mean to the fentimental part of it. What is left, madam, is not worth {looping for. CHAP. XXXVII. Y father lay ftretched acrofs the bed as ftill as if the hand of death had puflicd him down, for a full hour t>? TRlSTfcAM SftANDY. 195 ttfid a half before he began to play upon the floor with the toe of that foot which hung over the bed-fide ; my uncle Toby's heart was a pound lighter for it. In a few moments, his left-hand, the knuckles of which had all the time re- clined upon the handle of the chamber- pot, came to its feeling he thruft it a little more within the valance drew up his hand, when he had done, into his bo- fom gave a hem ! My good uncle To- fry, with infinite pleafure, anfwered it 5 and full gladly would have ingrafted a fentence of confolation upon the open- ing it afforded : but having no talents, as I faid, that way, and fearing more- over thar he might fet out with fome- thing which might make a bad matter vvorfe, he contented himfelf with reft- ing his chin placidly upon the crofs of his crutch. Now whether the compreffion fhort- cned my uncle Tory's face into a more pleafurable oval or that the philan- thropy of his heart, in feeing his bro- ther beginning to emerge out of the fca VOL, II. O 196 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS of his afflictions, had braced up his muC- cles fo that the compreffion upon his chin only doubled the benignity which was there before, is not hard to decide. My father, in turning his eyes, was ftruck with fuch a gleam of fun-fhine in his face, as melted down the fullenneis of his grief in a moment. He broke filence as follows ; CHAP. XXXVfll. Y\ i D ever man, brother Toby, cried ^~* my father, raifmg himfelf upon his elbow, and turning himfelf round to the oppofite fide of the bed, where my uncle Toby was fitting in his old fringed chair, with his chin refling upon his crutch did ever a poor unfortunate man, brother Toby, cried my father, re- ceive fo many ladies ? The moft I ever faw given, quoth my uncle Toby (ringing the bell at the bed's head for Trim) was to a grenadier, I think in Mackay's regiment. Had my uncle Toby fliot a bul- OF TRISTRAM SHANDY.' Ip7 let through my father's heart, he could not have fallen down with his nofe upon the quilt more fuddenly. Blefs me ! faid my uncle Toby. CHAP. XXXIX, "TT7 A s it Mackay's regiment, quoth my uncle Toby, where the poot grenadier was fo unmercifully whipp'd at Bruges about the ducats ? O Chrift ! he was innocent ! cried Trim, with a deep figh. And he was whipp'd, may it pleafe your honour, almoft to death's door. They had better have (hot him outright, as he begg'd, and he had gone directly to heaven, for he was as innocent as your honour. -I thank thee, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby. I never think of his, continued Trim, and my poor brother Tom's misfortunes, for we were all three fchool-fellows, but I cry like a coward. Tears are no proof of cowar- dice, Trim. I drop them oft-times my- felf, cried my uncle Toby. 1 know your honour does, replied Trim, and fo o 2 JpS THE LIFE AND OPINIONS am not adiamed of it myfelf. But to think, may it pleafe your honour, con- tinued Trim, a tear flealing into the cor- ner of his eye as he fpoke to think of two virtuous lads with hearts as warm in their bodies, and as honeft as God could make them the children of honeft peo- ple, going forth with gallant fpirits te* feek thei.r fortunes in the world and fall into fuch evils ? poor 'Tom ! to be tortured upon a rack for nothing- but marrying a Jew's widow who fold faufages honeft Dick John/on's foul to- be fcourged out of his body, for the du- cats another man put into his knapfack ! O ! thefe are misfortunes, cried Trim* pulling out his handkerchief thefe are misfortunes, may it pleafe your ho- nour> worth lying down and crying over. My father could not help bluming. 'Twould be a pity, Trim, quoth my uncle Tb/'jr, thou (houldft ever feel for- row of thy own thou feeleft it fo ten- derly for others. Alack-o-day, replied the corporal, brightening up his fac your honour knows I have neither OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 199 wife or child 1 can have no forrows in this world. My father could not help fmiling. As few as any man, Trim, replied my uncle Toby; nor can I fee how a fellow of thy light heart can fuffer, but from the diftrefs of poverty in thy old age when thou art paffed all fervices, Trim and haft outlived thy friends. An' pleafe your honour, never fear, replied Trim, chearily. But I would have thee never fear, Trim, replied my uncle Toby, and therefore, continued my uncle Toby, throwing down his crutch, and getting up upon his legs as he utter- ed the word therefore in recompence, Trim, of thy long fidelity to me, and that goodnefs of thy heart I have had fuch proofs of whilft thy matter is worth a Chilling thou (halt never afk elfewhere, Trim, for a penny. Trim at- tempted to thank my uncle Toby but had not power tears trickled clown his cheeks fatter than he could wipe them off He laid his hands upon his bread made a bow to the ground, and fhut the door. ftOO THE LIFE AND OPINIONS I have left Trim my bowling- green, cried my uncle Toby My fa- ther fmiled. 1 have left him more- over a penfion, continued my uncle Toby-* My father looked grave. CHAP. XL. T s this a fit time, faid my father to * himfelf, to talk of PENSIONS and GRENADIERS ? CHAP. XLI. TT7 H E N my uncle Toby firfl men- tioned the grenadier, my father, I faid, fell down with his nofe flat to the quilt, and as fuddenly as if my uncle Toby had mot him ; but it was not added that every other limb and member of my father inftantly relapfed with his nofe into the fame precife attitude in which he lay firft defcribed j fo that when corpo- ral Trim left the room, and my father found himfelf difpofed to rife off the bed ^ he had all the little preparatory move- OT TRISTRAM SHANDY,. 3OI nients to run over again, before he could do it. Attitudes are nothing, madam 'tis the tranfition from one attitude to another like the preparation and refolution of the difcord into harmony, which is all in all. For which reafon my father played the fame jig over again with his toe upon the floor puilied the chamber-pot ftill a little farther within the valance- gave a hem raifed himfelf up upon his elbow and was juft beginning to ad- drefs himfelf to my uncle Toby when recollecting the unfucceisfulnefs of his firft effort in that attitude .. he got upon his legs, and in making the third turn acrofs the room, he flopped fhort before my uncle Toby ; and laying the three firft fingers of his right-hand in the palm of his left, and ftooping a little, he addrefled himfelf to my uncle Toby as follows : 4 03 T#E LIFE AND OPINIONS CHAP. XLU. TT7 HEN I reflect, brother upon MANJ and take a view of that dark fide of him which reprefents his life as open to fo many caufes of trouble when I confider, brother oby* how oft we eat the bread of affliction, and that we are born to it, as to the por- tion of our inheritance I was born to nothing, quoth my uncle Toby, inter- rupting my father but my commiifion. Zooks ! faid my father, did not my uncle leave you a hundred and twenty pounds a year ? What could I have done without it ? replied my uncle Tioby That's another concern, faid my father teftily But I fay Toby, when one runs over the catalogue of all the Grafs-reck- onings and forrowful Items with which the heart of man is overcharged, 'tis wonderful by what hidden refources the mind is enabled to ftand out, and bear itfelf up, as it does, againfl the impofi- OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 203 tions laid upon our nature. - 'Tis by the affiftance of Almighty God, cried my uncle Toby, looking up, and preffing the palms of his hands clofe together . - 'tis not from our own ftrength, brother Shandy - a centinel in a wood- en centry-box might as well pretend to (land it out againft a detachment of fifty men. - We are upheld by the grace and the affiftance of the beft of Beings. - That is cutting the knot, faid my father, inftcad of untying it. But give me leave to lead you, brother 70y, a little deeper into the myftery. With all my heart, replied my uncle My father inftantly exchanged the at- titude he was in, for that in which So- crates is fo finely painted by Raff ad in his fchool of Athens ; which your con- noiffeurmip knows is fo exquiiitely ima- gined, that even the particular manner of the reafoning of Socrates is expreffed by it for he holds the fore-finger of his left-hand between the fore-finger and the thumb of his right, and fcems as if 204 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS he was faying to the libertine he is re- claiming ' " You grant me this " and this : and this, and this, I don't " afk of you they follow of themfelves *' in courfe." So flood my father, holding fafl his fore-finger betwixt his finger and his thumb, and reafoning with my uncle To&y as he fat in his old fringed chair, va- lanced around with party-coloured \vor- fted bobs O Garrick ! what a rich fcene of this would thy exquifite powers make ! and how gladly would I write fuch another to avail myfelf of thy im- mortality, and fecure my own behind it. CHAP. XLIII. rr- HOUGH man is of all others the * moft curious vehicle, faid my fa- ther, yet at the fame time 'tis of fo flight a frame, and fo totteringly put together, that the fudden jerks and hard joillings it unavoidably meets with in this rugged journey, would overfet and tear it to pieces a dozen times a day was it OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 205 not, brother Toby, that there is a fecret fpring within us. Which fpring, laid my uncle 7by, I take to be Religion. Will that fet my child's nofe on ? cried my father, letting go his finger, and ftriking one hand againft the other. It makes every thing ftraight for us, an- fwered my uncle Toby. Figuratively fpeaking, dear Toby, it may, for aught I know, faid my father ; but the fpring I am fpeaking of, is that great and elaf- tic power within us of counterbalancing evil, which, like a fecret fpring in a well- ordered machine, though it can't prevent the mock at leaft it impofes upon our fenfe of it. Now, my dear brother, faid my father, replacing his fore-finger, as he was com- ing clofer to the point had my child arrived fafe into the world, unmartyr'd in that precious part of him fanciful and extravagant as I may appear to the world in my opinion of chriftian names, and of that magic bias which good or bad names irrefiftibly imprefs upon our characters and conducts Heaven is wit- 206 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS nefs ! that in the warmeft tranfports of my wimes for the prosperity of my child, I never once wimed to crown his head with more glory and honour than what GEORGE or EDWARD would have fpread around it. But alas ! continued my father, as the greateil evil has befallen him 1 mud counteract and undo it with the greateft good. He mail be chriflened rifmeg[ftus> brother. I wifh it may anfvver replied my uncle Toby, rifmg up. C H A P. XLIV. H A T a chapter of chances, faid- my father, turning himfelf about upon the firfl landing, as he and my uncle Toby were going down ftairs what a long chapter of chances do the events of this world lay open to us ! Take pen and ink in hand, brother fofy, and cal- culate it fairly 1 know no more of calculation than this ballufter, faid my OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 207 uncle Toby (ftriking fhort of it with his. crutch, and bitting my father a defperate blow foufe upon his fhin-bone) 'Tvvas a hundred to one cried my un- cle 'Toby I thought, quoth my father, (rubbing his fliin) you had known no- thing of calculations, brother Toby. a mere chance, faid my uncle Toby. Then it adds one to the chapter replied my father. The double iucceis of my father's re- partees tickled off the pain of his fliin at once it was well it fo fell out (chance ! again) or the world to this day : ;id never known the fubject of my father's calculation to guefs it there was no chance What a lucky chapter of chances has this turned out ! for it has laved me the trouble of writing one ex- prefs, and in truth I have enough al- ready upon my hands without it. Have not I prornifed the world a chapter of knots ? two chapters upon the right and the wrong end of a woman ? a -chapter upon whifkers ? a chapter upon willies ? a chapter of nofes ? No, I have 20 THE LIFE AND OPINIO&S done that a chapter upon my uncle Tory's modefty ? to fay nothing of a" chapter upon chapters, which I will ft- nim before I fleep by my great grand- father's whifkers, J (hall never get half of 'em through this year. Take pen and ink in hand, and calcu- late it fairly, brother Toby, faid my fa- ther, and it will turn out a million to one, that of all the parts of the body, the edge of the forceps fhould have the ill luck juft to fall upon and break down that one part, which mould break down the fortunes of our houfe with it. It might have been worfe, replied rr.y uncle Toby. 1 don't comprehend, faid my father. Suppofe the hip had prefented, replied my uncle Toby^ as Dr. S/op foreboded. My father reflected half a minute looked down touched the middle of his forehead flightly with his fin- ger Tfue, faid he. I QF TRISTRAM SHANDY. CHAP. XLV. s it not a fhame to make two chapters, of what pafled in going down one pair of flairs ? for we are got no farther yet than to the firft landing/ and there are fifteen more fteps down to the bot- tom ; and for aught I know, as my fa- ther and my uncle Toby are in a talking humour, there may be as many chapters as fleps : let that be as it will, Sir, I can no more help it than my deftiny : A fudden impulfe comes acrofs me drop the curtain, Shandy 1 drop it Strike a line here acrofs the paper, Triftram I flrike it and hey for a new chapter. The deuce of any other rule have I to govern myfelf by in this affair and if I had one as I do all things out of all rule I would twift it and tear it to pieces, and throw it into the fire when I had done Am I warm r I am, and the caufe demands it a pretty flory ! is 2fO THE LIFE AXD OPINIONS a man to follow rules or rules to follow him ? Now this, you muft know, being my chapter upon chapters, which I promifed to write before I went to fleep, I thought it meet to eafe my confcience entirely before I laid down, by telling the world all I knew about the matter at once : Is not this ten times better than to fet out dogmatically with a fententious parade of wifdom, and telling the world a ftory of a roafted horfe that chapters re- lieve the mind that they affift or im- pofe upon the imagination and that in a work of this dramatic caft they are as necefiary as the fhifting of fcenes with fifty other cold conceits, enough to extinguish the fire which roafted him ? O ! but to underftand this, which is a puff at . the fire of Diana's temple you muft read Loaginus read away if you are not a jot the wifer by reading him the firft time over never fear read him again jit?iffMu.&tfd Licet us read A- rijhtlf* metaphyficks forty times through 9 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 21* -piece, and never underftood a fingle word. But mark the confequence Avicenna turned out a defperate writer at all kinds of writing for he wrote books de omni fcribili ; and for Licetus (For- tunio) though all the world knows he was born a foetus *, of no more than five inches and a half in length, yet he grew to that aftonifhing height in lite- rature, as to write a book with a title as long as himfelf the learned know I mean his Gonopfy chant hropokgia^ upon the origin of the human foul. * Ce Foetus n'etoit pas plus grand que la paume de la main ; mais fon pere 1'ayant examine en qualite de Medecin, & ayant trouve que c'etoit quelque chofe de plus qu'un Embryon, le fit tranfporter tout vivant a Rapallo, ou il le fit voir a Jerome Bardi & a d'autre* Medecins du lieu. On trouva qu'il ne lui manquoit rien d'eflentiel a la vie 5 & fon pere pour faire voir un effai de fon experience, entreprit d'achever Touvrage de la Nature, & de travailler a la formation de TEn- fant; avec le meme artifice que celui dont on fe fert pour faire ecclorre les Poulets en Egypte. II inftrui- fit une Nourifle de tout ce qifelle avoit a faire, & ayant fait mettre fon fils dans un pour proprement ac- commode, il reuffit a 1'eltver & a lui faire prendre fes accroilfemens neceflaires, par runiformite d'une cha- leur ctrangere mefuree exaftement fur les degres d'un Thermometre, ou d'un autre inftrument equivalent. VOL. II. P 212- THE LIFE AND OPINIONS So much for my chapter upon chap- ters, which I hold to be the bed chapter in my whole work ; and take my word, whoever reads it, is full as well employ- ed, as in picking draws. CHAP. XLVr. TTT E mall bring all things to rights, faid my father, fetting his foot upon the firft ftep from the landing. ' This Trifmegiftfis, continued my father, drawing his leg back and turning to my (Vide Mich. Giuftinian, ne gli Scritt. Liguri a Cart. >z 3 . 488-) On auroit toujours etc tres fatisfait de 1'induftrlc d'un pere fi experimeme dans I 1 Art de la Generation, quand il n'auroit pu prolonger la vie a fon fils que pour Puelqties mois, ou pour peu d'annees. Mais quand on fe reprefente que 1'Enfant a vecu pres de quatre-vingts ans, & qu'il a compofe quatre- vingts OuVrages differents tous fruits d'une longue lefture il faut convenir que tout ce qui eft incroyable n'eft pas toujours faux, & que la Vraijemblante n'fjt par toujours du cote la Verite. II n'avoit que dix neuf ans lorfqu'il compofa Go- nopfychanthropologia de Origine Animae humanje. (Les Enfans celebres, revus & corriges par M. de la Monnoye de PAcademie Fi-an9oif(f.) OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 21$ Uncle Toby - was the greateft (Toby) of all earthly beings he was the greateft king - the greateft lawgiver -- the greateft philofopher - and the greateft prieft - and engineer faid my uncle Toby. In courfe, faid my father. CHAP. XL VII. 1 A N D * iow ^ oes y ur " cried my father, taking the fame ftep over again from the landing, and calling to Sufanneh^ whom he faw patting by the foot of the ftairs with a huge pin-cufhion in her hand how does your miftrefs ? As well, faid Sitfannah, tripping by, but without looking up, as can be expected. What a fool am I ! faid my father, drawing his leg back again let things be as they will, brother Toby, 'tis ever the precife anfwer And how is the child, pray? - No anfwer. And where is Dr. Slop? added my father, railing his voice aloud, and p 2 THE LIFE AND OPINIOKS looking over the ballufters Sufannah was out of hearing. Of all the riddles of a married life, faid my father, crofiing the landing in order to fet his back againfl the wall, whilft he propounded it to my uncle Toby ' ' of all the puzzling riddles, faid he, in a marriage ftate, of which you may truft me, brother 70y, there are more afles loads than all Job*s ftock of afles could have carried there is not one that has more intricacies in it than this that from the very moment the miftrefs of the houfe is brought to bed, every female in it, from my lady's gentle- woman down to the cinder- wench, be- comes an inch taller for it; and give themfelves more airs upon that fingle inch, than all their other inches put together. I think rather, replied my uncle Toby, that 'tis we who fmk an inch lower. If I meet but a woman with child I do it. "Tis a heavy tax upon that half of our fellow-creatures, brother Shandy, faid my uncle 7% "Tis a piteous burden upon OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 25! 'em, continued he, making his head- Yes, yes, 'tis a painful thing faid my father, (baking his head too but cer- tainly fince fhaking of heads came into fafhion, never did two heads (hake toge- ther, in concert, from too fuch different fprings. God blefs 7 'em all ^ faid my Deuce take J uncle Toby and my fa- ther, each to himfelf, H CHAP. XVLIII. o L L A ! you, chairman ! here's fixpence do ftep into that bookleller's mop, and call me a day- tall critick. I am very willing to give any one of 'em a crown to help me with his tackling, to get my father and my uncle 'Toby off the flairs, and to put them, to bed. 'Tis even high time ; for except a fl;ort nap, which they both got whilfl Trim was boring the jack-boots and which, by-the-bye, did my father no fort of good, upon thefcore of the bad hinge 2l6 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS they have not elfe (hut their eyes, fmce nine hours before the time that doctor Slop was led into the back parlour in that dirty pickle by Obadiah. Was every day of my life to be as bufy a day as this and to take up Truce. I will not finifh that fentence till I have made an obfervation upon the ftrange ftate of affairs between the reader and myfelf, juft as things ftand at pre- fent an obfervation never applicable before to any one biographical writer fmce the creation of the world, but to myfelf and I believe, will never hold good to any other, until its final deftruc- tion and therefore, for the very novelty of it alone, it muft be worth your wor- fhips attending to. I am this month one whole year older than I was this time twelve-month ; and having got, as you perceive, almofl into the middle of my third volume* and no farther than to my firft day's life 'tis demonftrative that I have three hundred and Cxty-four days more life to write * According to the preceding Editions. OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 217 juft now, than when I firfl fet out 5 fo that inftead of advancing, as a common writer, in my work with what I have been doing at it on the contrary, 1 am juft thrown fo many volumes back was every day of my life to be as bufy a day as this And why not ? and the tranfa&ions and opinions of it to take up as much defcription And for what reafon mould they be cut fhort? as at this rate I mould juft live 364 times fafter than I mould write It muft fol- low, an' pleaie your worfhips, that the more I write, the more I fliall have to write and confequently, the more your worfhips read, the more your worfhips will have to read. Will this be good for your worfhips eyes ? It will do well for mine; and, was it not that my OPINIONS will be the death of me, I perceive I mall lead a fine life of it out of this feif-fame life of mine ; or, in other words, (hall lead a couple of line lives together. As for the propofal of twelve volumes p 4 2l8 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS a year, or a volume a month, it no way alters my profpec~t write as 1 will, and rufh as I may into the middle of things, as Horace advifes 1 (hall never overtake myfelf whipp'd and driven to the laft pinch ; at the worft I mall have one day the flart of my pen and one day is enough for two volumes and two volumes will be enough for one year. Heaven profper the manufacturers of paper under this propitious reign, which is now opened to us as I truft its providence will profper every thing elfe in it that is taken in hand. As for the propagation of Geefe I give myfelf no concern Nature is all- bountiful I mall never want tools to work with. So then, friend ! you have got my father and my uncle Toby off the flairs, and feen them to bed ? --And how did you manage it ? You dropp'd a curtain at the Hair-foot I thought you had no other way for it Here's a crown for your trouble, OF TRISTRAM SHAKDY. 2Ip CHAP. XLIX, HEN reach me my breeches off the chair, faid my father to Su- fonnah. There is not a moment's time to drefs you, Sir, cried Sitfannah the child is as black in the face as my As your what ? faid my father, for like all orators, he was a dear fearcher into comparifons. Blefs me, Sir, faid Snfan- nah, the child's in a fit. And where's Mr. Yorick ? Never where he fliould be, faid Sufannak, but his curate's in the dreffing-room, with the child up-^n his arm, waiting for the name and my miftrefs bid me run as faft as I could to know, as captain Shandy is the godfa- ther, whether it fliould not be called after him. Were one fure, faid my father to him- felf, fcratching his eye-brow, that thd child was expiring, one might as welj compliment my brother Toby as not and it would be a pity, in fuch a cafe, to throw away fo great a name as Trif* $20 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS fnegtftus upon him but he may re* cover. No, no, -rfaid my father to Sufan- nafi, I'll get up There is no time, cried Sitfannah, the child's as black as my fhoe. fyjfmegiftus 9 faid my father . But ftay thou art a leaky veflel, SttfaatiaA, added my father j canft thou carry Trijmegiftus in thy head, the length of the gallery without fcattering .V . . Can I ? cried Sufatfna/t, {hutting the door in a huff. If {lie can, I'll be fhot, faid my father, bouncing out of bed in the dark ? and groping for his breeches. Sufannah ran with all fpeed along the gallery. My father made all poflible fpeed to find his breeches. Snfannah got the Hart, and kep.t it *Tis Tris fomething, cried Sufannah There is no chriftian-name in the world,, faid the curate, beginning with TV/..- but Trifiram. Then 'tis 'Triftram-^ijlns^ quoth Sujannah. There is no gifiw to it, noodle. \ OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 221 'tis my own name, replied the curate, dipping his hand, as he fpoke, into the baton Trijiram ! faid he, &c. &c. &c. fcff.-r-fo Trijlram was I called, and friftram (hall I be to the day of my death. My father followed Sufannafi, with his night-gown acrofs liis arm, with nothing more than his breeches on, fattened through hafts with but a fingle button, and that button through hafte thrufl only half into the button-hole. She has not forgot the name, cried my father, half opening the door ? No, no, faid the curate, with a tone of intelligence. And the child is better, cried Sttfannah. And how does your miftrefs ? As well, faid Sufan nah 9 as can be expected. Pifh! faid my father, the button of his breeches flip- ping out of the button-hole So that whether the interjection was levelled at Sufatutak, or the button-hole whether Pilh was an interjection of contempt or an interjection of modefly, is a doubt, and muft be a doubt till I ihall hav? 222 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS time to write the three following fa- Tourite chapters, that is, my chapter of chamber-maids, my chapter of pijhes, and my chapter of button-holes. All the light I am able to give the reader at prefent is this, that the moment my father cried Pifti ! he whifk'd him- felf about and with his breeches held up by one hand, and his night-gown thrown acrofs the arm of the other, he turned along the gallery to bed, forne^ thing flower than he came. C H A P. L. T WISH I could write a chapter upon A fleep. A fitter occafion could never have prefented itfelf, than what this moment offers, when all the curtains of the fami- ly are drawn the candles put out and no creature's eyes are open but a fingle one, for the other has been (hut thefe twenty years, of my n^other's nurfe.. It is a fine fujDJect, And yetj as line as it is, I would F TRISTRAM SHANDY. 223 undertake to write a dozen chapters up- on button-holes, both quicker and with more fame, than a fmgle chapter upon this. But ton -holes ! there is fomething lively in the very idea of 'em and trud me, when I get amongft 'em You gentry with great beards look as grave as you will I'll make merry work with my button-holes I (hall have 'em all to myielf 'tis a maiden fubject I ihall run foul of no man's wifdom or fine layings in it. But for fleep 1 know I (lull make nothing of it before I begin I am no dab at your fine layings in the firft place and in the next, I cannot for my foul let a grave face upon a bad matter, and tell the world 'tis the refuge of the un- fortunate the enfranchisement of the prifoner the downy lap of the hopelefs, the weary, and -the broken-hearted ; nor could I fet out with a lye in my mouth. by affirming, that of all the foft and de- licious functions of our nature, by which the great Author of it, in his bounty. 224 THE LIFE AtfD OPINIONS has been pleafed to recompence the fuf- ferings wherewith his juftice and his good pleafure has wearied us that this is the chiefeft (I know pleafures worth ten of it); or what a happinefs it is to man, when the anxieties and paffions of the day are over, and he lies down upon his back, that his foul ihall be fo feated within him, that whichever way fhe turns her eyes, the heavens mall look calm and fweet above her no de- f ire or fear or doubt that troubles the air, nor any difficulty pad, prefent, or to come, that the imagination may not pafs over without offence, in that fweet fe- cefiion. " God's bleffing," faid Sancho Pane*, " be upon the man who firft invented " this felf-fame thing called fleep it " covers a man all over like a cloak." Now there is more to me in this, and it fpeaks warmer to my heart and affec- tions, than all the diflertations fqueez'd out of the heads of the learned together upon the fubjeft. Not that I altogether difapprovc of CP TRISTRAM SHANDY. 22 tvhat Montaigne advances upon it 'tis admirable in its way (I quote by me- mory.) The world enjoys other pleafures, (ays he, as they do that of fleep, without tailing or feeling it as it flips and pafTes by. We fliould ftudy and ruminate up- on it, in order to render proper thanks to him who grants it to us. For this end I caufe myfelf to be difturbed in my fleep, that I may the better and more fenfibly relifli it. And yet I fee few, lays he again, who live with lefs fleep, when need requires ; my bodj is capa- ble of a firm, but not of a violent and fudden agitation I evade of late all vio- lent exercifes -I am never weary with walking but from my youth, I Rever liked to ride upon pavements. I love to lie hard and alone, and even without my wife This laft word may itagger the faith of the world but remember, " La Vraifemblance (as .Zfov.V.lays in the affair of Liceti) " n'eft pas tonjours du " Cote de la Verite." And fo much for 226 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS I CHAP. LI. f my wife will but venture him brother Toby, Trifmegiftus mall be drefs'd and brought down to us, whilft you and I are getting our breakfafts to- gether. Go, tell Sufannah, Obadiah, to ftep here. She is run up flairs, anfwered Qbadiah t this very inftant, fobbing and crying, and wringing her hands as if her heart would break. We (hall have a rare month of it, faid my father* turning his head from Oba- diah, arid looking wiftfully in my uncle Toby**, face for fome time we fhall have a devilifli month of it, brother Toby, faid my father, fettinghis arms a-kimbo, and making his head ; fire, water, women, wind brother Toby! 'Tis fome mif- fortune, quoth my uncle 'toby. That it is, cried my father to have lb many jarring elements breaking looie, and rid- ing triumph in every corner of a gentle- OP TRISTRAM SHANDY. houfe Little boots it to the peace of a family, brother Toby, that you and I poflefs ourfelves, and fit here filent and unmoved whilft fuch a florin is whitt- ling over our heads. And what's the matter, Sufannah ? They have called the child Triftram and my miftrefs is juft got out of an hyfterick fit about it No ! 'tis not my fault, faid Sufatmah I told him it was Triftam-giftus. Make tea for yourfelf, brother Toby, faid my father, taking down his hat but how different from the fal- lies and agitations of voice and mem- bers which a common reader w r ould imagine ! For lie fpake in the fweeteft modu- lation and took down his hat with the genteeleft movement of limbs, that ever affli&ion harmonized and attuned toge- ther. Go to the bowling-green for cor- poral Trim, faid my uncle Toby, fpeak- ing to Obadiah, as foon as my father left the room. VOL. II. O 228 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS CHAP. LII. \X7 HEN the misfortune of my NOSE fell fo heavily upon my father's head ; the reader remembers that he walked inftantly up flairs, and caft him- felf down upon his bed; and from hence, unlefs he has a great infight into human nature, he will be apt to expect a rota- tion of the fame afcending and defcend- ing movements from him, upon this misfortune of my NAME ; no. The different weight, dear Sir nay even the different package of two vexa- tions of the fame weight makes a very wide difference in our manner of bearing and getting through with them, It is not half an hour ago, when (in the great hurry and precipation of a poor devil's writing for daily bread) I threw a fairfheet, which I had jufl finifh- ed, and carefully wrote out, flap into the fire, inftead of the foul one. Inftantly I fnatch'd off my wig, and threw it perpendicularly, with all imagi- OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. fcable violence, up to the top of the room indeed I caught it as it fell but there was an end of the matter ; nor do I think any think elfe in Nature would have given fuch immediate eafe : She, dear Goddefs, by an inftantaneous impulfe, in all provoking cafes y deter- mines us to a fally of this or that mem- ber or elfe me thrufls us into this or that place, or poflure of body, we know not why But mark, madam, we live amongft riddles and myfteries < the moft obvious things, which come in our way, have dark fides, which the quickefl fight cannot penetrate into ; and even the cleareft and mod exalted underftandings amongft us find ourfelves puzzled and at a lofs in almoft every cranny of nature's works : fo that this, like a thoufand other things, falls out for us in a way, which tho' we cannot reafon upon it yet we find the good of it, may it pleafe your reverences and your worfhips and that's enough for us. Now, my father could not lie down with this affliction for his life nor THE LIFE AND OPINIONS could he carry it up flairs like the othef hq walked compofedly out with it to the fifh-pond. Had my father leaned his head upon his hand, and reafoned an hour which way to have gone reafon, with all her force, could not have directed him to any think like it : there is fomething, Sir, in fifh-ponds but what it is, I leave to fyftem-builders and fifh-pond- diggers betwixt 'em to find out but there is fomething, under the firft difor- derly tranfport of the humours, fo unac- countably becalming in an orderly and a fober walk towards one of them, that I have often wondered that neither Pytha~ goras, nor Plato, nor Solon, nor Lycurgus, nor Mahomet, nor any one of your noted lawgivers, ever gave order about them. CHAP. LIII. -\r OUR honour, faid Trim, fhutting * the parlour-door before he began to fpeak, has heard, 1 imagine, of this unlucky accident O yes, Trim, OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 23! faid my uncle Toby, and it gives me great concern. I am heartily concerned too, but I hope your honour, replied Trim, will do me the juftice to believe, that it was not in the leaft owing to me. To thee- Trim? cried my uncle Toby, looking kindly in his face 'twas Sufannah's and the curate's folly be- twixt them. What bufinefs could they have together, an* pleafe your ho- nour, in the garden ? In the gallery thou meaneft, replied my uncle Toby. Trim found he was upon a wrong fcent, and flopped fhort with a low bow Two misfortunes, quoth the corpo- ral to himfelf, are twice as many at leafl as are needful to be talked over at one time ; the mifchief the cow has done in breaking into the fortifications, may be told his honour hereafter. Trim's cafuiftry and addrefs, under tlie cover of his low bow, prevented all fufpicion in my uncle Toby, fo he went on with what he had to fay tp Trim as follows : For my own part, Trim, though I can fee little or no difference betwixt THE LIFE AND OPINIONS my nephew's being called Triftrmn or Trifmegiftus yet as the thing fits fo near my brother's heart, Trim 1 would freely have given a hundred pounds ra- ther than it fhould have happened.- A hundred pounds, an' pleafe your ho- nour ! replied Trim, 1 would not give a cherry-ftone to boot. - Nor would I, 'trim, upon my own account, quoth my uncle Toby > but my brother, whom there is no arguing with in this cafe maintains that a great deal more depends, Trim 9 upon chriftian-names, than what ignorant people imagine for he fays there never was a great or heroic action performed fince the world began by one called Triftram nay, he will have it, Trim, that a man can neither be learned, or wife, or brave. 'Tis all fancy, an' pleafe your honour I fought juft as well, replied the corporal, when the regiment called me Trim, as when they called me James Butler. And for my own part, faid my uncle Toby, though I mould blufh to boafl of myfelf, Trim yet had my name been OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 23* Alexander, I could have done no more at Namur than my duty. Blefs your ho- nour ! cried Trim, advancing three fteps as he fpoke, does a man think of his chriflian-name when he goes upon the attack ? Or when he ftands in the trench, Trim? cried my uncle Toby, look- ing firm. Or when he enters a breach? faid Trim, puming in between two chairs. Or forces the lines ? cried my un- cle, rifmg up, and puftiing his crutch like a pike. Or facing a platoon? cried Trim, prefenting his flick like a firelock. Or when he marches up the glacis ? cried my uncle Toby, looking warm and fetting his foot upon his ftooL CHAP. LIV. Y father was returned from his walk to the fifh-pond and opened the parlour-door in the very height of the attack, juft as my uncle Toby was marching up the glacis Trim recovered his arms never OL4 234 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS my uncle 'toby caught in riding at fuch a defperate rate in his life ! Alas ! my uncle Toby ! had not a weightier matter called forth all the ready eloquence of my father how hadft thou then and thy poor HOBBY-HORSE too been in- fulted ! My father hung up his hat with the fame air he took it down ; and after giving a flight look at the diforder of the room, he took hold of one of the chairs which had formed the corporal's breach, and placing it over-againil my uncle Toby, he fat down in it, and as foon as the tea-things were taken away, and the door fhut, he broke out in a. lamentation as follows : MY FATHER'S LAMENTATION. IT is in vain longer, faid my father, ad- * dreffing himtelf as much to Ernul- phus's curie, which was laid upon the corner of the chimney-piece as to my uncle Toby who fat under it it is in vain longer, faid my father, in the OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. moft querulous monotony imaginable, to ftruggle as I have done againft this moil uncomfortable of human perfua- f lons 1 fee it plainly, that either for my own fins, brother Toby, or the fins and follies of the Shandy family, Heaven has thought fit to draw forth the heavieft of its artillery againft me 5 and that the profperity of my child is the point upon which the whole force of it is directed to play. Such a thing would bat- ter the whole untverfe about our ears, brother Shandy, faid my uncle Toby if it was fo Unhappy I'riftram ! child of wrath ! child of decrepitude ! interrup- tion ! miftake ! and difcontent ! What one misfortune or difafter in the book of embryotic evils, that could unmechanize thy frame, or entangle thy filaments ! which has not fallen upon thy head, or ever thou cameft into the world what evils in thy paflage into it ! what evils fmce ! produced into being, in the decline of thy father's days when the powers of his imagi- nation and of his body were waxing fee- 236 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS ble . when radical heat and radical moifture, the elements which mould have temper'd thine, were drying up; and nothing left to found thy flamina in, but negations 'tis pitiful brother 7ev, at the beft, and called out for all the little helps that care and attention on both fides could give it. But how were we defeated ! You know the event, brother Toby 'tis too melancholy a one to be repeated now when the few animal fpirits I was worth in the \vorld, and with which memory, fancy, and quick parts mould have been con- vey'd were all difperfed, confuted, confounded, fcattered, and fent to the devil. Here then was the time to have put a flop to this perfecution againft him; and tried an experiment at leaft whether calmnefs and ferenity of mind in your fitter, with a due attention, brother 70v, to her evacuations and re- pletions and the reft of her non- naturals, might not, in a courfe of nine months geftation, have fct all things to OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 237 : My child was bereft ' of thefe ! What a teazing life did fhe lead herfelf, and confequently her fcetus too, with that nonfenfical anxiety of hers about lying-in in town ? I thought my fitter fubmitted with the greateft patience, replied my uncle Toby 1 never heard her utter one fretful word about it. She fumed inwardly, cried my father ; and that, let me tell you, bro- ther, was ten times worfe for the child and then ! what battles did fhe fight with me, and what perpetual florins about the midwife. There fhe gave vent, faid my uncle Toby. Vent ! cried my father, looking up. But what was all this, my dear oby, to the injuries done us by my child's coming head foremoft into the world, when all I wifhed, in this general wreck of his frame, was to have faved this little cafket unbroke, unrifled. With all my precautions, how was my fyftem turned topiide-turvy in the womb with my child ! his head expofed to the hand of violence, and a preffure of 470 238 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS pounds avoirdupois weight acting fo per* pendicularly upon its apex that at this hour 'tis ninety per Cent, infurance, that the fine net-work of the intellectual web be not rent and torn to a thoufand tatters. Still we could have done. .'. . .1 Fool, coxcomb, puppy give him but a NOSE Cripple, Dwarf, Driveller, Goofecap . (Chape him as you will) the door of fortune {lands open O Li* cetus ! Licetus ! had I been bleft with a foetus five inches long and a half, like thee Fate might have done her worft. Still, brother 'Toby, there was one cafl of the dye left for our child after all O Trijlrom ! Triftram ! Triftram ! We will fend for Mr. Yorick, faid my uncle 'Toby. You may fend for whom you will, replied my father. F TRISTRAM SHANDY. 239 CHAP. LV. VTT HAT a rate have I gone on ar, curvetting and frifking it away, two up and two down for three volumes * together, without looking once behind, or even on one fide of me, to fee whom I trod upon ! I'll tread upon no one quoth I to myfelf when I mounted I'll take a good rattling gallop; but I'll not hurt the pooreft jack-afs upon the road. So off I fet up one lane down another, through this turnpike over that, as if the arch- jockey of jockeys had got behind me. Now ride at this rate with what good intention and refolution you may 'tis a million to one you'll do fome one a mifchief, if not yourfelf He's flung he's off he's loft his hat he's down he'll break his neck fee ! if he has not galloped full among the fcaf- folding of the undertaking criticks ! he'll knock his brains out againft loirie of their polls he's bounced out ! * According to ths preceding Editions, 240 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS look he's now riding like a mad-cap full tilt through a whole crowd of paint- ers, fiddlers, poets, biographers, phyfi- cians, lawyers, logicians, players, fchool- men, churchmen, ftatefmen, foldiers, ca- fuifts, connoifleurs, prelates, popes, and engineers. Don't fear, faid I I'll not hurt the pooreft jack-afs upon the king's highway. But your horfe throws dirt ; fee you've fplafh'd a bifhop 1 hope in God, 'twas only Ermtlphus, faid I. But you have fquirted full in the faces of MefT. Le Moyne, De Romigny, and De Marcilly, doctors of the Sorbonne. That was laft year, replied I. But you have trod this moment upon a king.- Kings have bad times on't, faid I, to be trod upon by fuch people as me. You have done it, replied my accufer. I deny it, quoth I, and fo have got cfT, and here am I Handing with my bridle in one hand, and with my cap in the other, to tell my ftory. And what is it ? You (hall hear in the next chapter. OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 24! CHAP. LVI. A s Francis the firft of France was one winterly night warming himfelf over the embers of a wood fire, and talk- ing with his firft miniftcr of fundry things for the good of the (late * It would not be amifs, faid the king, flirring up the embers with his cane, if this good underftanding betwixt ourfelves and Switzerland was a little flrengthened* There is no end, Sire, replied the mi- nifter, in giving money to thefe people they would fwallow up the treafuiy of France. Poo ! poo ! anfwered the king there are more ways, Monf. le Premier, of bribing ftates, befides that of giving money I'll pay Switzerland the honour pf (landing godfather for my next child. Your majefty, faid the minifier, in fo doing, would have all the grammari- ans in Europe upon your back ; Swit- zerland, as a republick, being a female, can in no conflruction be godfather. * Vide Menagiana, Vol. I, 242- THE LIFE AND OPINIONS She may be godmother, replied Francis haflily fo announce my intentions by a courier to-morrow morning. I am aftonifhed, faid Francis the Firfl, (that day fortnight) fpeaking to his mi- nifter as he entered the clofet that we have had no anfwer from Switzerland. Sire, I wait upon you this moment, faid Monf. le Premier, to lay before you my difpatches upon that bufmefs. They take it kindly, faid the king. They do, Sire, replied the minifter, and have the higheft fenfe of the honour your majefty has done them but the republick, as godmother, claims her right, in this cafe, of naming the child. In all reafon, quoth the king me will chriften him Francis, or Henry, or Lewis, or fome name that flie knows will be agreeable to us. Your majefty is deceived, replied the minifter 1 have this hour received a difpatch from our refident, with the determination of the republick on that point alib. And what name has the republick fixed upon for the Dauphin ? Shadrach, 9 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. ^43 Mefick, Abcd-nego^ replied the minifter. By Saint Pcttrs girdle, I will have nothing to do with the Sivifs, cried Francis the Firft, pulling up his breeches and walking hnilily acrois the floor. Your majefty replied the minifler calmly, cannot bring yourfelf off. We'll pay them in money - faid the king. Sire, there are not fixty thoufand crowns in the treafury, anfwertd the mi- nifter. - I'll pawn the beft jewel in my crown, quoth Francis the Firft. Your honour ftands pawn'd already in this matter, anfwered Monfieur le Premier. Then, Monf. le Pmrc/er, faid the king, by . . ^ we'll go to war with 'em. CHAP. LVIL A L B E i T, gentle reader, I have ^*- lufted earneftly, and endeavoured carefully (according to the meafure of fuch a flender fkill as God has vouch- fafed me, and as convenient leifure from VOL. II. R 244 THE LlFE other occafions of needful profit and healthful paftime have permitted) that thefe little books which I here put into thy hands, might ftand inftead of many bigger books yet have I carried myfelf towards thee in fuch fanciful guife of carelefs difport, that right fore am I alhamed now to intreat thy lenity fe- rioufly in befeeching thee to be- lieve it of me, that in the flory of my father and his chriftian-names I have no thoughts of treading upon Francis the Firfl nor in .the affair of the nofe upon Francis the Ninth nor in the character of my uncle Toby of cha- racterizing the militiating fpirits of my country the wound upon his groin, is a wound to every comparifon of that kind nor by Trim that I meant the duke of Ormond or that my book is wrote againft predeftination, or free-will, or tax- es If 'tis wrote againft any thing, 'tis wrote, an' pleafe your worfhips, againft the fpleen ! in order, by a more frequent nd a more convulfive elevation and de- preflion of the diaphragm, and the fuc- OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 24^ cuflations of the intercoftal and abdomi- nal mufcles in laughter, to drive the gall and other bitter juices from the gall-blad- der, liver, and fweet-bread of his mnjef- ty's fubjefh, with all the inimicitious paflions which belong to them, down into their duodenums. CHAP. LVI1I. < R UT cari *ke tn i n g be undone, Yo- rick ? faid my father for in my opinion, continued he, it cannot. I am a vile canonift, replied Yorick but of all evils, holding fufpence to be the moft tormenting, we fliall at leaft know the worft of this matter. I hate thefe great dinners - faid my father The fizc of the dinner is not the point, anfwered Yorick - we want, Mr. Shandy, to dive into the bottom of this doubt, whether the name can be changed or not and as the beards of Ib many commiflaries, omV cials, advocates, proctors, regifters, and of the moft eminent of our fchool-di- vines, and others, are all to meet in the R 2 46 THE LIFE ANfc OPINIONS middle of one table, and Didius has for preffingty invited you who in your clif- trefs would mifs fuch an occafion ? All that is requifite, continued Yorick, is to apprize Didius, and let him manage a converfation after dinner fo as to intro- duce the lubjed:. Then my brother Toby, cried my father, clapping his two hands together, (hall go with us. i" Let my old tye-wig, quoth my uncle Toby, and my laced regimentals, be hung to the fire all night, Trim. OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 257 CHAP. LX. "NT ^ ovl kt, Sir, there is a whole chapter wanting here and a chafm often pages made in the book by it but the book-binder is neither a fool, or a knave, or a puppy nor is the book a jot more imperfect (at leaft upon that fcore) - bat, on the con- trary, the book is more perfect and com- plete by wanting the chapter, than hav- ing it, as I {"hall demonftrate to your re- verences in this manner. J queftion firfl, by-the-bye, whether the fame experi- ment might not be made as fuccefsfully upon fundry other chapters - but there is no end, an' pleafe your reveren- ces, in trying experiments upon chapters -- we have had enough of it" So there's an end of that matter, 2^8 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS But before I begin my demonftration, let me only tell you, that the chapter which I have torn out, and which other- wife you would all have been reading juft now, inftead of this -was the defcrip- tion of my father's, my uncle OPINIONS at prefent, to bear it, if poffible, like a Stoick ; which, with the help of fome wry faces and compurfions of the mouth, he had certainly accompli ihed, had his imagination continued neuter; but the failles of the imagination are ungo- vernable in things of this kind a thought inftantly darted into his mind, that tho' the anguifh had the fenfation of glowing heat it might, notvvithfland- ing that, be a bite as well as a burn ; and if fo, that poflibly a Newt or an Af- ker, or fome fuch deteiled reptile, had crept up, and was fattening his teeth the horrid idea of which, with a frefh glow of pain arifing that inftant from the chefnut, feized Phutatorius with a fudden panick, and in the firft terrifying difor- der of the paffion, it threw him, as it has done the beft generals upon earth, quite . off his guard : the effect of which was this, that he leapt incontinently up, uttering as he rofe that interjection of furprife fo much defcanted upon, with the apofiopeftic break after it, marked thus, Z ds whichj though not OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 275 firidly canonical, was ftill as little *s any man could have faid upon the oc- cafion ; and which, by-the-bye, whether canonical or not, Phutatorius tould no more help than he could the caufe of it. Though this has taken up fome time in the narrative, it took up little more time in the tran faction, than juft to al- low time for Piiutatcrim to draw forth the chefnut, and throw it down with violence upon the floor* and for Yorick to rife from his chair, and pick the chef- nut up. It is curious to obferve the triumph of ilight incidents over the mind : What incredible weight they have in forming and governing our opinions, both of men and things that trifles, iight as air, (hall waft a belief into the foul, and plant it fo immoveably within it that Euclid's demonftrations, could they be brought to batter it in breach, fhould not all have power to overthrow it. Yorick, I faid, picked up die chefnut s 4 276 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS which Phutatomtfs wrath had flung down the action was trifling I am amamed to account for it he did it, for no reafon, hut that he thought the chefnut not a jot worfe for the adventure and that he held a good chefnut worth Hooping for. But this incident, trifling as it was, wrought differently in Phtttatorius's head : He confidered this aft of Ycrick's in getting off his chair and picking up the chefnut, as a plain, acknowledgment in him, that the chef- nut was originally his and in courfe, that it muft have been the owner of the chefnut,. and no one elfe, who could have played him fuch a prank with it : What greatly confirmed him in this opi- nion, was this, that the table being pa- rallelogramical and very narrow, it af- forded a fair opportunity for Yorick, who fat directly over againft P/jtitatorius, of flipping the chefnut in and confe- quentiy that he did it. The look of fomething more than fufpicion, which Phutatorius caft full upon Yorick as theic thoughts arofe, too evidently fpoke his OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 277 opinion and as PJnttatorius was natu- rally iuppofed to know more of the mat- ter than any perfon betides, his opinion at once became the general one ; and for a realbn very different from any which have been yet given in a lit- tle time it was put out of all manner of difpute. When great or unexpected events fall out upon the ftage of this fublunary world the mind of man, which is an inquifitive kind of a fubftance, naturally takes a flight behind the fcenes to fee what is the caule and firft fpring of them. The fearch was not long in this inftance. It was well known that Yorick had ne~ ver a good opinion of the treatile which Phutatorius had wrote de Conwbinis reti- vcndiSy as a thing which he feared had done hurt in the world and 'twas eafily found out, that there was a myftical meaning in Yorick's prank and that his chucking the chefnut hot into Phutato- r/Kj's * * * * * * * *, was a farcaftical fling at his book the doctrines of which. THE LIFE AND OPINIONS they faid, had enflamed many an honefl man in the lame place. This conceit awaken'd Somnolentus made Agelajles fmile and if you can recollect the precife look and air of a man's face intent in finding out a riddle i it threw Gaftripheres*s into that form and in fhort was thought by many to be a mafter-ftroke of arch -wit. This, as the reader has feen from one end to the other, was as groundlefs as the dreams of philofophy : Yorick, no doubt, as Shakefpeare laid of his anceftor - " was a man of jeft" but it was temper'd with fomething which with- held him from that, and many other ungracious pranks, of which he as un- defervedly bore the blame, but it was his misfortune all his life long to bear the imputation of faying and doing a thoufand things, of which (unlefs my efteern blinds me) his nature was inca- pable. All I blame him for or ra- trier,, all I blame and alternately like him for, was that fingularity of his tem- per, which would never fuffer him to OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 27$ take pains to fet a ftory right with the world, howevei in his power. In every ill ufage of that fort, he acted precifely as in the affair of his lean horfe he could have explained it to his ho- nour, but his fpi'rit was above it ; and befides, he ever looked upon the inven- tor, the propagator and believer of an illiberal report alike fo injurious to him he could not ftoop to tell his ftory to them and fo trufted to time and truth to do it for him. This heroic caft produced him incon- veniencies in many relpects in the pre- fent it was followed by the fixed refent- ment of PhutatoriuSy who, as Ycrick had juft made an end of his chefnut, rofe up from his chair a fecond time, to let him know it which indeed he did with a ihiile ; faying only that he would en- deavour not to forget the obligation. But you muft mark and carefully fc- parate and diftinguifh thefe two things in your mind. The fmile was for the compare. -The threat was for Yorick. THE LIFE AND OPINIONS CHAP. LXIII. -r-r^AN you tell me, quoth Phntato- ^ n/tf, fpeaking to Gaflriphcres who fat next to him for one would not apply to a furgeon in To foolifh an affair can you tell me, Gaftripheres, what is bed to take out the fire ? A.fk Eu- gemitSy laid Gaftripheres. That greatly depends, faid Eugenms^ pretending ig- norance of the adventure, upon the na- ture of the part If it is a tender part, and a part which can conveniently be wrapt up It is both the one and the other, replied PhutatoriuSy laying his hand as he fpoke, with an emphati- cal nod of his head, upon the part in queition, and lifting up his right leg at the fame time to eafe and ventilate it. . If that is the cafe, faid Eitgeniits, I would advife you, PJmtatorius, not to tamper with it by any means but if you will fend to the next printer, and truft your cure to fuch a fimple thing as h foft flieet of paper juft come off the OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 2I prefs you need do nothing more than twift it round. The damp paper, quoth Yorick (who fat next to his friend Ettgc- nins) though I know it has a refrefiiing coolnefs in it yet I prefume is no more than the vehicle and that the oil and lamp-black with which the paper is fo flrongly impregnated, does the bufmefs. Right, laid Eugem-Ks, and is, of any outward application I would venture to re- commend, the mod anodyne and fafe. Was it my cafe, faid Gaftripheres, as the main thing is the oil and lamp-black, I mould fpread them thick upon a rag, and clap it on directly. That would make a very devil of it, replied Yorick. And befides, added Eugtmus, it would not anfvver the intention, which is the extreme neatnefs and elegance of the prefcription, which the Faculty hold to be half in half; for confider, if the type is a very final 1 one (which it ihould be) the fanative particles, which come into contact in this form, have the advantage of being fpread fo infinitely 2&2 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS thin, and with fuch a mathematical equa- lity (frefti paragraphs and large capitals excepted) as no art or management of the fpatula can come up to. It falls out very luckily, replied Phutato- rhiSy that the fecond edition of my trea- tife de Concubinis retinendis is at this in- ftant in the prefs. You may take anv leaf of it, laid Eugenius > no matter which. Provided, quoth Yb- rick 9 there is no bawdry in it. They are juft now, replied Phutatorius> printing off the ninth chapter which is the laft chapter but one in the book. Pray what is the title of that chap- ter ? faid Yorick ; making a refpe&ful bow to Phutatorhis as he fpoke. I think, anfwered Phtttatorius, 'tis that de re concubinarid. For Heaven's fake keep out of that chapter, quoth Yorick. -+-. By all means added Eugenias. OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. CHAP. LXIV. IP^T o \v, quoth Didius, rifing up, ^ and laying his right hand with his fingers fpread upon his brcaft had fuch a blunder about a chriftian- name happened before the Reformation [It happened the day before yef- terday, quoth my uncle Toby to him- felf] and when baptifm was adminifter'd in Latin ['Tvvas all in EngliJJi* faid my uncle] many things might have coincided with it, and upon the autho- rity of fundry decreed cafes, to have pronounced the baptifm null, with a power of giving the child a new name Had a prieft, for inftance, which was no uncommon thing, through ignorance ot the Latin tongue, baptized a child of Tom-o'Stiles, in nomine patria fcf jilia & fpiritumfancios the baptifm was held null. 1 beg your pardon, replied Ky- farcins in that Qafe, as the miftakc was only the terminations, the baptifm was valid and to have rendered it 284 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS null, the blunder of the pried fhould have fallen upon the firft fy liable -.teach noun and nor, as in )uu.r caie, upon the laft. My father delighted in fubtleties of this kind, and lifcen'd with infinite at- tention. Gaflripheres, for example, continued Kyfarcius, baptizes a child of John Strad- ling's in Gomine gatns, &c. 6fr. inftead of /;/ Nomine patris, ffr. Is this a baptifm ? No fay the ableft canonifts ; in as much as the radix of each word is hereby torn up, and the fenfe and mean- ing of them removed and changed quite to another object ; for Gomine does not fignify a name, nor gatris a father. What do they fignify ? laid my uncle Toby. Nothing at all quoth Yorick. Ergo, fuch a baptifm is null, faid Kyfarcius* In courfr, anfwered Yorick, in a tone two parts jeft and one part earneft. But in the cafe cited, continued Ky- fartitts, where patris. is put for patris, flia for filiiy and fo on as it is a OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 85 fault only in the declenfion, and the roots of the words continue untouch'd, the inflections of their branches either this way or that, does not in any fort hinder the baptifm, inafmuch as the fame fenfe continues in the words as be- fore. But then, faid Didius, the in- tention of the prieft's pronouncing them grammatically mud have been proved to have gone along with it. Right, anfwered Kyfarcius; and of this, brother Didius, we have an inftance in a decree of the decretals of Pope Leo the Hid. But my brother's child, cried my uncle Toby, has nothing to do with the Pope 'tis the plain child of a Proteftant gentleman, chriftcn'd Trif- tram againft the wills and wiihes both of his father and mother, and all who are a-kin to it. If the wills and wiflies, faid Kyfarcius, interrupting my uncle Toby, of thofe only who ftand related to Mr. Shandy's child, were to have weight in this matter, Mrs. Shandy, of all people, has the lead to do in it. My uncle Toby lay'd down his VOL. II. T 286 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS pipe, and my father drew his chair ftill clofer to the table, to hear the conclufion of fo ftrange an introduction. It has not only been a queftion, Captain Shandy , amongft the * bed law- yers and civilians in this land, continued Kyfarcius, " Whether the mother be of kin " to her child" but, after much dil- pafiionate enquiry and jactitation of the arguments on all fides it has been ad- judged for the negative namely, " That " the mother is not of kin to her child -\" My father inftantly clapp'd his hand upon my uncle Toby's mouth, under co- lour of whifpering in his ear; the truth was, he was alarmed for Lillabullero and having a great defire to hear more of fo curious an argument he begg'd my uncle Toby, for Heaven's fake, not to dif- appoint him in it. My uncle Toby gave a nod refumed his pipe, and contenting himfelf with whittling LillabullerQ inward- ly Kyfarrius, Didii4s y and Triptolemm went on with the difcourfe as follows : * Vide Swinburn on Teftaments, Part 7. 8. \ Vide Brook Abridg. Tit. Adrainiftr. N. 47. OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 287 This determination, continued Kyfar- fiits, how contrary foever it may feem to run to the dream of vulgar ideas, yet had reafon ftrongly on its fide; and has been put out of all manner of difpute from the famous cafe, known commonly by the name of the Duke of Suffolk's cafe. It is cited in Brook, faid Tripfotemus And taken notice of by Lord Coke, added Did; us. And you may find it in SwmJn&n on Teftaments, faid Kyfardns. The cafe, Mr. Shandy, was this : In the reign of Edivard the Sixth, Charles duke of Suffolk having iffue a fon by one venter, and a daughter by ano- ther venter, made his laft will, wherein he devifed goods to his fon, and died ; after whole death the fon died alfo but without will, without wife, and without child his mother and his fitter by the father's fide (for me was born o< the former venter) then living. The mother took the adminiftration of her fon's goods,, according to the ftatute of T 2 288 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS the 2 ill of Harry the Eighth, whereby it is enacted, That in cafe any perfon die inteftate the adminiilration of his goods ihall be committed to the next of kin. The adminiftration being thus (fur- reptitioufly) granted to the mother, the fitter by the father's fide commenced a fuit before the Ecclefiaftical Judge, al- ledging, ift, That flie herfelf was next of kin; and 2dly, That the mother was not of kin at all to the party deceafed ; and therefore prayed the court, that the adminiftration granted to the mother might be revoked, and be committed unto her, as next of kin to the deceafed, by force of the faid ftatute. Hereupon, as it was a great caufe, and much depending upon its hTue and many caufes of great property likely to be decided in times to come, by the precedent to be then made the moft learned, as well in the laws of this realm, as in the civil law, were confulted toge- ther, whether the mother was of kin to her fon, or no. Whereunto not only OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 289 the temporal lawyers but the church lawyers the juris-confulti the juris- prudentes the civilians the advo- cates the commiiTaries the judges of the confiftory and prerogative courts of Canterbury and York, with the matter of the faculties, were all unammoufly of opinion, That the mother was not of * kin to her child. And what faid the duchefs of Suffolk to it ? faid my uncle Toby. The unexpectednefs of my uncle 70- bfs queftion, confounded Kyfarcius more than the ableft advocate He ftopp'd a full minute, looking in my uncle Toby\ face without replying " and in that fingle minute Triptolemus put by him, and took the lead as follows. 'Tis a ground and principle in the law, faid Triptolemus, that things do not afcend, but delcend in it; and I make no doubt 'tis for this caufe, that how- ever true it is, that the child may be of * Mater non mnncratur inter confanguineos, Bald, ia ult. C. de Verb, fignific. T3 290 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS the blood and feed of its parents that the parents, neverthelefs, are not of the blood and feed of it .; inafmuch as the parents are not begot by the child, but the child by the parents For fo they write, Libert funt ck [anguine patris & matrisj Jed pater & mater non funt dc fanguine liberorum. -. But this, Trtptotemus, cried Didi- tiSy proves too much for from this au- thority cited it would follow, not only what indeed is granted on all fides, that the mother is not of kin to her child but the father likewife. It is held, faid TriptoJemus-, the better opinion ; be- caufe the father, the mother, and the child, though they be three perfons, yet are they but (una caro *J one flelh ; and confequently no degree of kindred or any method of acquiring one /;/ na- ture. There you pufh the argument again too far, cried Didius for there is no prohibition in nature, though there is in the Levitical law but that a * Vide Brook Abridg. tit. Adminiftr. N. 47. OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 2pl man may beget a child upon his grand- mother in which cafe, fuppofing the iffiie a daughter, me would (land in re- lation both of But who ever thought, cried K\ farcins, of laying with his grand- mother ? The young gentleman, replied Yorick, whom Selden fpeaks of who not only thought of it, butjuf- tified his intention to his father by the argument drawn from the law of retalia- tion. " You laid, Sir, with my mo- " ther," faid the lad " why may not I "lay with yours?" 'Tis the Ar- gumentum commune, added Yorick. 'Tis as good, replied Eugen'ms, taking down his hat, as they deferve. The company broke up. CHAP. LXV. AND pray, faid my uncle Toby, leaning upon Yorick, as he and my father were helping him leifurely down the flairs don't be terrified, madam, this flair-cafe converfation is T4 2.92 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS not fo long as the laft And pray, Yoricky faid my uncle Toby, which way is this faid affair of friftram at length fettled by thefe learned men ? Very fa- tisfactorily, replied Yorick; no mortal, Sir, has any concern with it for Mrs. Shandy the mother is nothing at all a-kin to him and as the mother's is the fureft fide Mr. Shandy, in courfe is flill lefs than nothing In fhort, he is not as much a-kin to him, Sir, as I am. That may well be, faid my father, fhaking his head. Let the learned fay what they will, there muft certainly, quoth my un- cle Toby, have been fome fort of confan- guinity betwixt the duchefs of Suffolk and her fon. The vulgar are of the fame opinion, quoth Yorick, to this hour. OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 293 CHAP. LXVI. np H o u G H my father was hugely tickled with the fubtleties of thefe learned difccmrfes 'twas flill but like the anointing of a broken bone The moment he got home, the weight of his afflictions returned upon him but fo much the heavier, as is ever the cafe when the ftaff we lean on flips from under us. He became penfive walked frequently forth to the fifh-pond let down one loop of his hat figh'd often forbore to fnap and, as the hafty fparks of temper, which occafion mapping, fo much affift perfpi- ration and digeftion, as Hippocrates tells us he had certainly fallen ill with the extinction of them, had not his thoughts been critically drawn off, and his health refcued by a frefli train of difquietudes left him, with a legacy of a thoufand pounds, by my aunt Dinah. 194 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS My father had fcarce read the letter, when taking the thing by the right end, he inftantly began to plague and puzzle his head how to lay it out moftly to the honour of his family. A hundred-and- fifty odd projects took poflemon of his brains by turns he would do this, and that, and t'other He would go to Rome he would go to law he would buy flock he would buy John Hobfons farm he would new fore- front his houfe, and add a new wing to make it even -There was a fine water-mill on this fide, and he would build a wind- mill on the other fide of the river in full view to anfwer it But above all things in the world, he would inclofe the great Ox -moor y and fend out my brother Bobby immediately upon his travels. But as the mm was finite, and confe- quently could not do every thing and in truth very few of theie to any purpofe of all the projects which offer- ed themfelves upon this occafion, the two lad feemed to make the deeped im- OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 29$ preffion; and he would infallibly have determined upon both at once, but for the fmall inconvenience hinted at above, which abfolutely put him under a ne- cdfity of deciding in favour either of the one or the other. This was not altogether fo eafy to be done ; for though 'tis certain my father had long before fet his heart upon this neceffary part of my brother's education, and like a prudent man had actually de- termined to carry it into execution, with the firft money that returned from the fecond creation of actions in the Mijfijlp- //-fcheme, in which he was an adventu- rer yet the Ox-moor, which was a fine, large, whinny, undrained, unimproved common, belonging to the S/taw^/y-eflatc, had ahnoft as old a claim upon him : he had long and affectionately fet his heart upon turning it like wife to fomc account. But having never hitherto been prcf- fed with fuch a conjuncture of things, as made it neceffary to fettle either the pri- 296 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS ority or juftice of their claims like 3 wife man he, had refrained entering into any nice or critical examination about them : ib that upon the difmimon of every other project at .this crifis the two old projects, the OX-MOOR and my BROTHER, divided him again; and fo equal a match were they for each other, as. to become the occafion of no {mall conteft in the old gentleman's mind which of the two fhould be fet ongoing firfL People may laugh as they will but the cafe was this. It had ever been the cuftom of the family, and by length of time was al- moft become a matter of common right., that the eldefl fon of it fhould have free ingrefs, egrefs, and regrefs into foreign parts before marriage not only for the fake of bettering his own private parts, by the benefit of exercife and change of fo much air but fimply for the mere delectation of his fancy, by the feather put into his cap, of having been abroad OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 297 -^tantum valet , my father would fay, fjuan' lumfonat. Now as this was a reafonable, and In courfe a moft chriftian indulgence to deprive him of it, without why or wherefore and thereby make an ex- ample of him, as the firft Shandy un- whirl'd about Europe in a poft-chaife, and only becaufe he was a heavy lad r would be ufing him ten times worfe than a Turk. On the other hand, the cafe of the Ox-moor was full as hard, Exclufive of the original purchafe-mo- ney, which was eight hundred pounds it had coft the family eight hun- dred pounds more in a law-fuit about fifteen years before befides the Lord knows what trouble and vexation. It had been moreover in pofleffion of the S/^/dy-family ever fmce the middle of the laft century ; and though it lay full in view before the houfe, bounded on one extremity by the water-mill, and on the other by the projected wind-mill 2pS THE LI>E AND OPINIONS ipoken of above and for all tbefe reafons feemed to have the faireft title of any part of the eftate to the care and protec- tion of the family yet by an unaccount- able fatality, common to men, as well as the ground they tread on it had all along moft (hamefully been overlooked -, and to fpeak the truth of it, had iufTered fo. much by it, that it would have made any man's heart have bled (Obadiah laid) who understood the value of the land, to have rode over it, and only feen the con- dition it was in. However, as neither the purchafing this tract of ground nor indeed the placing of it where it lay, were either of them, properly fpeaking, of my father's doing he had never thought himfelf any way concerned in the affair- till the fifteen years before, when the breaking out of that curfed law-fuit mentioned above (and which had arofe about its boundaries) -'which being altogether my father's own act and deed, it naturally awakened every other argu- OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 299 ment in its favour, and upon fumming them all up together, he faw, not merely in interefl, but in honour, he was bound to do fomething for it and that no\v or never was the time. I think there muft certainly have been a mixture of ill-luck in it, that the rea- ibns on both fjdes fhould happen to be fo equally balanced by each other ; for though my father weigh'd them in all humours and conditions fpent ma- ny an anxious hour in the mod profound and abftrafted meditation upon what was be ft to be done reading books of farming one day books of travels another laying afide all paffion what- ever viewing the arguments on both fides in all their lights and circumftances communing every day with my uncle 'Toby arguing with Yorick, and talking over the whole affair of the Ox-moor with Obadiah yet nothing in all that time appeared fo ftrongly in behalf of the one, which was not either (Iridly appli- cable to the other, or at lead Co tar 300 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS counterbalanced by fome confideration of equal weight, as to keep the (tales even. For to be fure, with proper helps, and in the hands of fome people, tho' the Ox-moor would undoubtedly have made a different apearance in the- world from what it did, or ever could do in the condition it lay yet every tittle of this was true, with regard to my bro- ther Bobby- let Obadiah fay what he would. In point of intereft the contefb, I own, at firft fight, did not appear fo un- decifive betwixt them ; for whenever my father took pen and ink in hand, and fet about calculating the fimple expence of paring and burning, and fencing in the Ox-moor, &c. &c.- with the certain pro- fit it would bring him in return the latter turned out fo prodigioufly in his way of working the account, that you would have fworn the Ox-moor would have carried all before it. For it wai plain he mould reap a hundred hits of 4 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 301 rape, at twenty pounds a laft, the very firfl year befides an excellent crop of wheat the year following and the year after that, to fpeak within bounds, a hundred but in all likelihood, a hundred and fifty if not two hun- dred quarters of peafe and beans be- iides potatoes without end. But then, to think he was all this while breeding up my brother, like a hog to eat them knocked all on the head again, and generally left the old gentleman in fuch a date of fufpenfe that, as he of- ten declared to my uncle Toby he knew no more than his heels what to do. No body, but he who has felt it, can conceive what a plaguing thing it is to have a man's mind torn afunder by two projects of equal ftrength, both obfti- nately pulling in a contrary direction at the fame time : for to fay nothing of the havock, which by a certain confequence is unavoidably made by it all over the finer fyftem of the nerves, which you VOL. II. THE LIFE AND OPINIONS know convey the animal fpirits and more fubtle juices from the heart to the head, and fo on it is not to be told in what a degree fuch a wayward kind of fric- tion works upon the more grofs and folid parts, wafting the fat and impairing the ftrength of a man every time as it goes backwards and forwards. My father had certainly funk under this evil, as certainly as he had done under that of my CHRISTIAN NAME had he not been refcued out of it, as he was out of that, by a'frefli evil the misfortune of my brother Eobby\ death. What is the life of man ! Is it ndt to fhift from fide to fide? from for- row to forrow ? to button up one caufe of vexation < " and unbutton another ? OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 303 CHAP. LXVII. Tf R o M this moment I am to be con- fidered as heir-apparent to the Shsmdy family -and it is from this point properly, that the ftory of my LIFE and my OPINIONS .fets out. With all my hurry and precipitation, I have but been clearing the ground to raife the building and fuch a building do I forefee it will turn out, as nevenavas planned, and as never was executed fince Adam. In ' lefs than five minutes I (hall have thrown my pen into the fire, and the little drop of thick ink which is left remaining at the bottom of my ink-horn, after it I have but half a fcore things to do in the time I have a thing to name a thing to lament . a thing to hope a thing to promife, and a thing to threaten I have a thing to fuppoie a thing to declare a thing to con- ceal a thing to choofe, and a u 2 304 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS thing to pray for This chapter, therefore, I name the chapter of THINGS and my next, chapter to it, that is, the firft chapter of my next volume, if I live, (hall be my chapter upon WHIS- KERS, in order to keep up fome fort of connection in my works. The thing I lament is, that things have crowded in fo thick upon me, that I -have not been able to get 'into that part of my work, towards which I have all the way looked forwards, with fo much earned deiire ; and that is the Campaigns, but efpecially the amours of my uncle 70y, the events of which are of fo fingular a nature, and fo Cervan- tick a caft, that if I can fo manage it, as to convey but the fame irnpreflions to every other brain, which the occurrences themfelves excite in my own I will an- fwer for it the book (hall make its way in the world, much better than its maf- ter has done before it. Oh Triftram ! Vriftram / can this but be once brought the credit, which vyiJl attend OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 30^ thee as an author, (hall counterbalance the many evils which have befallen thee as a man thou wilt feaft upon the one w hen thou haft loft all fenfe and remembrance of the other!* No wonder I itch fo much as I do, to get at thefe amours They are the choiceft morfel of my whole ftory ! and when I do get at 'em affure your- felves, good folks (nor do I value vvhofc fqueamifh ftomach takes offence at it) I (hall not be at all nice in the choice of my words ! and tha'fs the thing I have to declare. I mail never get all through in five minutes, that I fear and the thing I hops is, that your worfhips and reverences are not offended if you are, depend upon't I'll give you fomething, my good gentry, next year to be offended at that's my dear Jenny's way but who my Jenny is and which is the right and which the wrong end of a woman, is the thing to be concealed it (hall be told you in the next chapter but one to my chapter of 8 306 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS Button-holes and not one chapter before. And now that you have juft got to the end of thefe * three volumes the thing I have to ajk is, how you feel your heads? my own akes difmally ! as for your healths, I know, they-are much better. True Shandsifm, think what you will againft it, opens the heart and lungs,- and like all thofe affections which par- lake of its nature, it forces the blood and other vital fluids of the body to run freely through its channels, makes the wheel of life run long and cheerfully round. Was I left, like Saiicho Panca, to choofe my kingdom, it fliould not be maritime or a kingdom of blacks to make a penny of; no, it fliould be a kingdom of hearty laughing fubjecls : And as the bilious and more faturnine pafllons, by creating diibrders in the blood and humours, have as bad an in fluence, I fee, upon the body politick * According to tlv_- preceding Editions. OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 307 as body natural and as nothing but a habit of virtue can fully govern thofe paflions, and fubject them to reafon I fhould add to my prayer that God would give my fubjedts grace to be as WISE as. they were MERRY ; and then fliould I be the happieft monarch, and they the happieft people under heaven. And fo with this Amoral for the pre- (ent, may it pleafe your worlhips and your reverences, I take my leave of you till this time twelve-month, when, (un- lefs this vile cough kills me in the mean time) I'll have another pluck at your beards, and lay open a ftory to the world you little dream of. END OF THE SECOND VOLUM?. UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA AT LOS ANGELES THE UNIVERSITY LIBRARY This book is DUE on the last date stamped belo\ JAN 1943 r 9 1&W 26 mr 2 JSCK BECDCMfflE MAR 3 1157! INRSlwa Form L-9-20m-8,'37 OCT 201975 OCT 22 *<