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 1 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA. 
 
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IN CHANCERY 
 
 En Original fantastic ComeD^ in XTbree Hcts 
 
 BY 
 
 ARTHUR W. PINERO 
 
 Copyright, 1905, by Samuel Fwench 
 
 New York 
 SAMUEL FRENCH 
 
 PUBLISHER 
 
 26 WEST 22D STREET 
 
 London 
 SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 
 
 26 Southampton Strkkt, 
 STRAND, I^ONDON, 
 
REESE 
 
IN CHANCERY. 
 
 Produced at the Lyceum Theatre, Edinburgh, on Sep- 
 tember l^thy 1884, and afterivards played at the Gaiety 
 Theatre, London, on December 24^^, 1884, vnth the follow- 
 ing cast : — 
 
 Cbaracters. 
 
 Captain Dionysius McCafferty. 
 
 (Formerly in the Ballytara 
 
 Militia, now propriefcor of the 
 
 Railway Hotel, Steepleton 
 
 Junction) Mr. Alfred Bishop. 
 
 Dr. Titus (His medical attendant). Mr. Laye. 
 
 Montague Joliffe Mr. Edward Terry. 
 
 Mr. HinxtviAN Mr. John Dallas. 
 
 John (Mrs. Smith's servant) Mr. Lyndall. 
 
 Mr. Buzzard (A Butcher) Mr. Guise. 
 
 Mr. Gawge (A Draper) Mr. Sherrard. 
 
 Mrs. Smith Miss Phyllis Broughton. 
 
 Mrs. Marmaduke Jackson Miss Gladys Homfrey. 
 
 Patricia McCafferty Miss Maria Jones. 
 
 Amelia Anne Buzzard Miss Oliver. 
 
 Walker (Mrs. Smith's servant).. .Miss Emma Broughton. 
 Kittles Miss Clara Jacks, 
 
IN CHANCERY. 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 DRAWING A LLANK. 
 
 The Parlour of the Railway Hotel at Steepleion 
 Junction. 
 
 ACT 11. 
 
 Artificial Memory. 
 
 The Best Room in the Hotel. 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 HOME SWEET HOME. 
 
 Sitting room at Mrs. MarmaduTce JacTcsons, Graves- 
 end. 
 
 Three Sundays elapse hctween Acts i and ii. 
 
 Act ii occurs on the morning and 
 
 Act III on the Evening of the same day. 
 
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 2na[ q:HB9H 
 
 ■eoBidaJid 
 
IN CHANCERY. 
 
 ACT I. 
 
 DRAWING A BLANK. 
 
 Scene: — The comfortable 'parlour of a small hotel. 
 Up stage R. door leading to Bar. Up stage L. door 
 with passage baching. At bach large window or 
 windows loohing on to a country prospect with a 
 railway, telegraph wires, etc. Up stage at bach 
 two small tables of equal size. Round table R. c. 
 Three chairs round table l, c, two chairs placed 
 as in plan. Down stage L. fire-place. Above fire- 
 place, arm-chair, below fire-place, an ordinary chair. 
 Down stage R. side-board with crochery, plate, etc., 
 on side-board a worh-bashet with needle-worh. By 
 side-board a chair or stool, on table R. c. a crib- 
 bage board and cards, long clay pipes, matches, 
 and a newspaper, on table l. c. pipes, newspapers 
 and matches. The room generally furnished with 
 all the characteristics of an Inn Parlour, stuffed 
 birds, fishing rods and bashet, a gun or two, sport- 
 ing pictures, etc. 
 
 Short lively music at opening. As the curtain rises 
 the angry voice of McCafferty, accompanied by 
 A small crash of brohen crochery, is heard in the 
 distance off L. Patricia enters door r. listening. 
 Patricia is a buxom, brawny Irish woman — neatly 
 dressed, but with a wild head of red hair. 
 
 Pat. My pa's in a queer temper by the soimd of 
 5 
 
6 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 it. (she crosses to door L. and listens, McCafferty's 
 voice rises higher) There now, he's arguing them 
 politics with poor Mr. Jolliffe. (looking towards door 
 R.) Thank goodness, here's the gentlemen arriving. 
 (goes L.) 
 
 (Mr. Gawge enters door r., he is a thin man, almost 
 entirely hald, with a treble voice.) 
 
 Mr. G. (politely) Good evening, Miss McCaf- 
 ferty. (rubbing his hands heartily) Any news, eh? 
 Any news? 
 
 Pat. (l. c.) Good evening to ye, Mr. Gawge, 
 there's nothing stirring. 
 
 Mr. G. How's Captain McCafferty to-night ? 
 
 (There is another crash off l., Mr. Gawge's manner 
 changes to extreme timidity.) 
 
 Pat. (jerhing her head towards l.) I think he's 
 just having a chat with Mr. Joliffe, the gintleman 
 stopping in the Hotel. 
 
 Mr. G. Oh ! (Mr. Gawge goes up to table l. c. 
 very quietly and nervously and sits behind the table.) 
 Ahum, yes. I'll take my usual. Miss McCafferty. 
 
 (Patricia crosses to r. g., as Mr. Buzzard enters 
 door R. Mr. Buzzard is a fat, red-faced man with 
 bushy hair and gruff voice, the reverse of Mr. 
 Gawge.) 
 
 Mr. B. (jovially) Good evening. Miss McCaf- 
 ferty, good evening, Mr. Gawge. 
 
 Pat. and Mr. G. Good evening, Mr. Buzzard. 
 
 Mr. B. Any news, eh? Any news? 
 
 Pat. I believe not, sir. 
 
 Mr. B. And how is your poor papa to-night ? 
 
 (Another distinct crash, Mr. Buzzard's face changes, 
 he stands rooted to the spot.) 
 
 Pat. (with a movement as before) He's just 
 havin' a little bit of a chat with Mr. Joliffe, the gin- 
 tleman stopping in the Hotel, 
 
IN CHANCERY. 7 
 
 Mr. B. (nervously) Oh! I think I'll take my 
 usual. Miss McCafferty. 
 
 (Pat. goes out door n., Mr. Buzzard tiptoes up to 
 the table R. c.^ and sits heliind it. He and Mr. 
 Gawge load their long pipes gloomily.) 
 
 Mr. G. Captain seems a little wus than ordinary 
 to-night, Mr. Buzzard, sir. 
 
 Mr. B. He do. He do. Time Dr. Titus was here 
 to keep him under. 
 
 Mr. G. {looking towards door) Here is the Doc- 
 tor. 
 
 (Dr. Titus enters door r., he is a middle-aged pro- 
 prof essional-loohing person, with iron grey hair and 
 whiskers. His attire is rather inclined to seedi' 
 ness, his manner pompous and homhastic.) 
 Titus. Good evening, gentlemen ! (crosses L. and 
 
 pwts hat on mantel-piece) 
 
 Mr. G. and Mr. B. Good evening, Doctor — ^good 
 evening. 
 
 Titus, (bustling over to arm-chair) How is Cap- 
 tain McCaSerty to-night? 
 
 (McCafferty's voice heard outside.) 
 
 Mr. G. (under his breath) He's upstairs. 
 Mr. B. (under his breath) With Mr. JoliSe. 
 Mr. G. The gentleman staying in the hotel. 
 Mr. G. and Mr. B. (together) Having a little 
 bit of a chat. 
 
 Titus. Oh, quite so, quite so. 
 
 (Pat. enters door r., carrying tray with glasses, etc. 
 She gives Mr. Gawge and Mr. Buzzard their 
 drinks.) 
 
 Titus. You're single-handed to-night. Miss Mc- 
 Cafferty, where's the waiter? 
 
 Pat. He contradicted papa this afternoon. 
 Mr. G. and Mr. B. (together) Oh! 
 
8 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 Pat. So papa dismissed him through the window. 
 
 Mr. G. and Mr. B. (together) Ah! 
 
 Pat. I'm so glad you've come, Doctor, and is it 
 whiskey you'll take ? 
 
 Titus, (politely) It is whiskey. 
 
 Pat. Irish? 
 
 Titus. Any whiskey would become Irish when 
 dispensed by your fair hands. 
 
 Pat. Go on now. (goes out door r., Mr. Gawge 
 and Mr. Buzzard light their pipes) 
 
 Mr. G. This excitement is very bad for the Cap- 
 tain, ain't it, Doctor ? 
 
 Titus. Very, very. 
 
 Mr. B. You might tell us how Captain McCaf- 
 ferty's ailment came about, Doctor — if it's no secret. 
 
 Titus (standing on hearth-rug l. c.) Certainly. 
 My friend, I may say our friend — our host of the 
 Eailway Hotel at Steepleton was formerly a Captain 
 in the distinguished Ballytara Militia. One of his 
 brother officers, who was also a cheesemonger, thought 
 it wise upon one occasion to wink at Mrs. McCafferty, 
 the Captain's wife, now, alas, beyond the reach of all 
 such advances. 
 
 Mr. G. Dear me ! 
 
 Mr. B. Indeed ! 
 
 Titus. Captain McCafferty always, shall I say, 
 a hasty man, dragged the offender to Belgium, where 
 they fought a duel with pistols. 
 
 Mb. G. and Mr. B. (together) Good gracious! 
 
 Titus. I was the medical man concerned. In the 
 result the Captain spoilt his opponent's new hat, 
 while the cheesemonger contrived to lodge a bullet in 
 the Captain's body. 
 
 Mr. G. Mercy me ! 
 
 Mr. B. Well I never ! 
 
 Titus. Now, gentlemen, the whereabouts of thai 
 bullet has never been discovered. If it is still in 
 Captain McCafferty's body, I say if that bullet is still 
 in Captain McCafferty's body, the slightest excite- 
 
IN CHANCERY. 9 
 
 ment such as would be produced by thwarting a fond 
 wish or upsetting a cherished project, the slightest 
 excitement might produce the most alarming results. 
 Gentlemen, it is a most interesting case. 
 
 (Mr. Gawge and Mr. Buzzard wipe their foreheads 
 nervously.) 
 
 Mr. B. Most interesting, most interesting. Then 
 you remain in Steepleton, Doctor, expressly to look 
 after the Captain ? 
 
 Titus. Ahem! Captain McCafferty is good 
 enough to appoint me his medical attendant. 
 
 Mr. B. You're watching for the bullet, eh? 
 
 Titus. I am watching for the bullet. 
 
 Mr. G. Then if the bullet is ever discovered, 
 you'll lose a very comfortable post, eh. Doctor? (gets 
 up and takes light from table R. c.) 
 
 Titus, {drawing himself up) Mr. Gawge! 
 
 Mr. G. I beg your pardon. Doctor, no offence. 
 
 (Mr. G. and Mr B. talh together, D-R. Titus turns 
 from them and slyly produces a pocket-booh from 
 which he takes out a small leaden bullet.) 
 
 Titus, (aside, weighing the bullet in his hand) 
 But the bullet isn't likely to be discovered while it 
 is in Bob Titus's pocket-book. (He returns bullet to 
 the pocket-book, and pocket-book to his pocket 
 Aside) Ahem ! It is a most interesting case. 
 
 (Pat. enters door b.., carrying tumbler of drink, 
 which she gives to Titus.) 
 
 Pat. Here ye are. Doctor. 
 (Another distant crash is heard with McCafferty's 
 voice above it.) 
 
 Pat. Keep your eyes on pa, Doctor, if he loses 
 his temper he's done entirely. 
 
 McC. (outside) What do you mean, Mr. Joliffe, 
 sor, by regarding me in that manner with your eye, 
 your wearing an impertinent look, sor. 
 
10 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 Pat. He's coming. 
 
 (There is a general movement, the two men at the 
 table lury their heads in their -papers. Titus 
 sits in chair helow fire-place L. Pat. runs to R. c. 
 and sits, taking needlework from basket on side- 
 hoard. Captain Dionysius McCafferty with his 
 hands in his pockets rushes in from door l. He 
 is a fat, untidily-dressed, old man, with fiery face, 
 red whiskers and hu^hy hair. His eyes are bolting 
 from their sockets, and he is trembling with pas- 
 sion. Fie looks round fiercely as if seeking some 
 excuse for an outburst, finding none he sinks into 
 chair c.) 
 
 McC. I wish a very good evening to all of ye. 
 Mr. G. (in a small voice over his paper) Good 
 evening, Capt. McCafferty. 
 
 (McCafferty turns upon him suddenly, Mr. Gawge 
 disappears behind his newspaper.) 
 Mr. B. (over his paper) Delighted to see you, 
 Captain. 
 
 (McCafferty glares at him, he disappears like Mr. 
 Gawge.) 
 
 McC. (to Pat.) What are you doin', Pat, my 
 darlin' ? 
 
 Pat. Mendin' the white waistcoat ye tore up 
 when you were a little put out last night. 
 
 Titus. You've been agitating yourself again, 
 Captain McCafferty. 
 
 McC. No. I've not, Mr. Joliffe agitated me. 
 
 Titus. Dear me, how? 
 
 McC. He contradicted my assertion. 
 
 Pat. Oh, I'm sure you're mistaken, papa; what 
 did Mr. Joliffe say? 
 
 McC. He didn't say anything — he regarded me 
 in a contradictory manner wid his eye, {goes to her 
 
IN CHANCERY. H 
 
 Titus, (moving) I'll speak to Mr. Jolifle, he'll 
 explain everything satisfactorily, I'll be bound. 
 (goes to door, opens it and calls) Mr. Joliffe ! Mr. 
 JoMe! 
 
 JoL. (in distance) Yes? 
 
 Titus. Step down and join us in the parlour, will 
 you? 
 
 JoL. (as before) Oh yes, certainly. 
 
 (Titus returns to his seat hefore fire l. as Montague 
 Joliffe enters. He is a fair-haired individual, 
 with a pale, anxious face, roving eyes and a large 
 expanse of forehead.) 
 
 JoL. (as he enters) Delighted to make one, 
 delighted to make one. 
 
 Mr. G. and Mr. B. Good evening! 
 
 Titus. Captain McCaflerty is under the mistaken 
 impression, Mr. Joliffe, that you contradicted some 
 assertion he made. 
 
 Pat. (appealingly) Ah, now I'm sure Mr. Jol- 
 iffe didn't, did ye, Mr. Joliffe? 
 
 JoL. (shakes his head) No ! 
 
 McC. He contradicted me with a look of his eye. 
 
 JoL. Quite a mistake, quite a mistake; Captain 
 McCafferty expressed his conviction that Steepleton, 
 which at present boasts 98 inhabitants, an hotel, and 
 a Eailway Station, would in a short space of time 
 become the centre of British commerce, with a Mayor, 
 a town council and a Bishopric. In reply, I merely 
 said. Oh ! 
 
 McC. (rising) But you looked dubious, sor, 
 knowing the precarious state of my health, you 
 looked dubious. 
 
 JoL. I assure you Captain McCafferty, I didn't 
 mean to. 
 
 McC. Very well then, I accept your apology, say- 
 no more. 
 
 JoL. But I assure — 
 
12 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 McC. Say no more. 
 
 JoL. No, I can assure you — 
 
 McC. (fiercely) Say no more — {turning to 
 Gawge and Buzzard) Gintlemen, we'll play with 
 the cards — 
 
 Mr. B. Well, Captain McCafferty, if I might sug- 
 gest— 
 
 McC. Keep silent, sor, when I make a proposal. 
 {turning to Gawge) We'll play three handed crib. 
 
 (Mr. Gawge moves timidly to chair at hack of table 
 R. c. Mr. B. to right of same table, they sit play^ 
 ing at table r. c. Pat. sits doing her needlework 
 and watching them R. Joliffe sinks into chair 
 L. c. facing Titus.) 
 
 JoL. What a dreadful person. 
 
 Titus, {drawing nearer to Jol.) Mr. Joliffe, 
 you'll pardon my freedom, I hope, but will you allow 
 me to put to you one little question ? 
 
 Jol. Certainly, what is it ? 
 
 TlTUS. Now that you are completely recovered 
 from your unfortunate railway accident, why do 
 you remain in this wretched little town, in this 
 equally wretched little inn, under the tyrannic rule 
 of that despotic old ruffian? 
 
 Jol. Why? Ah! 
 
 Titus. With a poor devil of a doctor without a 
 practice it's different. I'm chained to Steepleton in 
 attendance on old McCafferty. But you, you're a 
 free man. Why not be up and away? 
 
 (Joliffe draws himself up and takes Titus by the 
 sleeve and looks round mysteriously.) 
 
 Jol. {in a whisper) Up and away, where to ? 
 
 Titus. To your relatives. 
 
 Jol. Where are they? 
 
 Titus. Well then, to your friends. 
 
 Jol. Where are they? 
 
IN CHANCERY. 13 
 
 ^LiTUS. Oh dear, oh dear! Well then, to the 
 town where you reside. 
 
 JoL. What town? 
 
 Titus, (getting irritated) Confound it, man, 
 why don't you return to the place you came from ? 
 
 JoL. Where's that? 
 
 Titus, (loudly) Why you never mean to say 
 you don't know. 
 
 JoL. Hush — sh — sh — sh! (heckons to Titus to 
 come nearer.) Can I trust you, I wonder? 
 
 Titus. That depends — are you a tailor? 
 
 JoL. I don't know, I mean will you keep my 
 secret? A most awful, harrowing secret. 
 
 Titus. My dear sir, I'm a doctor, of course I will. 
 
 JoL. Your word of honour? 
 
 Titus. My word of honour ! 
 
 JoL. I've been longing for a confidant, sit down. 
 (They sit close together l. c.) 
 
 McC. (playing up stage, violently) What d'ye 
 mean, sor? What d'ye mean? 
 
 Mr. B. Well, Captain, I was thinking — 
 
 McC. To the devil with your thinking. 
 
 Pat. Papa ! papa ! Keep calm ! 
 
 Titus. Gentlemen, gentlemen, don't agitate the 
 Captain. 
 
 ilcC. He corrected my countin', knowing the pre- 
 carious state of my health, too, wid a bullet in me, he 
 corrected my countin'. 
 
 Mr. B. Well, well, I apologize. 
 
 Mr. G. So do I. 
 
 McC. Go on wid the amusement then, ye couple 
 of blundering ignoramuses. 
 
 (They resume playing.) 
 
 JoL. What a dreadful person — what a dreadful 
 person. 
 
 Titus. Now, Mr. Joiiffe, I'm your servant. 
 
 (Soft music in orchestra.) 
 
14 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 JoL. (solemnly) Dr. Titus, you remember my 
 being brought to the Eailway Inn at Steepleton, don't 
 you? 
 
 Titus. Of course I do, six weeks ago. 
 
 JoL. Six weeks at Steepleton Junction, {turning 
 and 'pointing) You can see the exact spot from that 
 window. Two passenger trains came into violent col- 
 lision. Nothing resulted but a few scratches and 
 bruises and everybody was able after a trifling delay, 
 to resume their journey, everybody with one impor- 
 tant exception. 
 
 Titus. Y'ourself. 
 
 JoL. (myself.) I was carefully deposited in the 
 best bedroom of the Eailway Hotel, where, owing to 
 the assiduous nursing of that kind creature there, 
 (pointing to Pat.) and the unremitting attention of 
 Dr. Titus, (taking Titus's hand) in three weeks I 
 was on my legs again. 
 
 Titus. As strong as a horse. 
 
 JoL. Strong as a tandem, never was better, at 
 least I don't think I ever was better, but Dr. Titus, 
 I don't remember. 
 
 Titus. Don't remember? 
 
 JoL. JSTo, I'm vigorous and hearty, can eat, drink 
 and sleep, I'm well educated, can speak French, 
 jabber a little German, know a phrase or two of 
 Italian, and have a fair knowledge of music, but. 
 Dr. Titus, ever since that little smash up at Steeple- 
 ton Junction, I haven't the least idea who the devil 
 I am, whence I came, or where I'm going. 
 
 Titus. Good gracious, what's wrong? 
 
 (Music stops.) 
 
 JoL. My memory ! My mind's a perfect blank 
 as to the past, every incident of, I hope, my distin- 
 guished career previous to that railway accident has 
 entirely left me. 
 
 Titus. But you know your name. 
 
 JoL. (producing card-case) Yes, but only thro' 
 
IN CHANCERY. 15 
 
 finding my card-case in my overcoat pocket, {hand- 
 ing card to Titus.) 
 
 JoL. Here it is, Montague Joliffe, no address. 
 M. J., ISTo. 36 was marked on my collars, which leads 
 me to hope I am a gentleman. 
 
 Titus. Why ? 
 
 JoL. Well, nobody but a gentleman w<>uld have 
 36 white three-fold linen masher collars. 
 
 Titus. Well, this is another most interesting 
 case ! Have you searched all the directories ? 
 
 JoL. (with a looh of horror) No ! 
 
 Titus. Why not ? 
 
 JoL. Fm afraid to. 
 
 Titus. Nonsense! Do it at once, {rises) 
 
 JoL. No, no, no ! I might turn out to be a party 
 I don't like. I might have to follow a trade or pro- 
 fession I detest, or what is more awful, I might dis- 
 cover my profession without remembering how to 
 practice it. I might find myself a colonel, who has 
 forgotten his drill, a captain in the navy who knows 
 nothing but how to be sea-sick, or a doctor who 
 cannot remember the pharmacopoeia. In short, I 
 may be a soldier, sailor, apothecary, ploughboy or 
 a thief. 
 
 Titus. Ah, but on the other hand ! 
 
 JoL. On the other hand, I may be the hero of 
 the hour, the author of the latest craze in books, the 
 new drawing-room tenor, or the fashionable trage- 
 dian. I may be an M. P., one of the Cabinet, or 
 perhaps a member of the County Court. It's this 
 that buoys me up. But Dr. Titus, I shan't be able 
 to stand the uncertainty much longer. Give me your 
 opinion, {he rises and puts himself in studied posi' 
 Hon) Now, what do you think I am? 
 
 Titus, {sitting, leaning hack and surveying him) 
 A very lucky fellow. 
 
 JoL. Lucky ? 
 
 Titus. Certainly, w^hy, it's as much as I can do 
 
le IN CHANCERY. 
 
 to forget a few tradesmen's bills. You want my 
 advice ? 
 
 JoL. Yes. 
 
 Titus. Take it easy; accept your position. You'll 
 never have so little anxiety as you have at the present 
 moment. How old are you? 
 
 JoL. Don't know. What do you think? (anx- 
 iously) Think I'm a chicken? 
 
 Titus. Well, you're in the prime of life, with 
 no conscience to prick you on the score of past 
 misdeeds, enjoy yourself, make merry, until your 
 recollections return, (rises, hus. chair) 
 
 JoL. Oh, they will return then? 
 
 Titus. Of course they will, all of a sudden, your 
 case is no rarer in the annals of medicine than it is 
 in fiction. When those two railway engines came 
 together you experienced a shock? 
 
 JoL. I did. 
 
 Titus. That's the cause. 
 
 (Music as before.) 
 
 One day without a moment's warning, like the burst- 
 ing of a soap bubble in a man's ear, your memory 
 will come back to you. The sight of somebody's ugly 
 face, the sound of a familiar voice, the melody of a 
 miserable comic song, or the air of a waltz from a 
 discordant organ, and the rusty gates of the past will 
 be opened. Like a flash of lightning you will regain 
 the consciousness of cares and responsibilities, arrears 
 of income-tax unpaid, and all the evils of a well- 
 spent life. Be warned, don't seek to hasten matters, 
 and in the meantime be happy. 
 
 (Music ceases.) 
 
 JoL. Happy, when I'm thrown a foundling on 
 the mercy of that violent old Captain McCafferty. 
 Dr. Titus, he's a demon. 
 
 Titus. Well, he is a beast, but he's taken a fancy 
 to you. 
 
IN CHANCERY. 17 
 
 JoL. But IVe no money. 
 
 Titus. Don't ask for his bill. 
 
 JoL. But suppose he does. 
 
 Titus. Then fly to her. 
 
 JoL. Her ? 
 
 Titus. My good sir! You're blind! Haven't 
 you discovered? 
 
 JoL. What? 
 
 Titus. Miss McCafferty, Patricia, your devoted 
 nurse, she's lost her heart to you. 
 
 JoL. You don't say so? 
 
 Titus. I do. You lucky devil. No past, and a 
 nice comfortable snug future. How I envy you. 
 
 McC. I tell ye I've not lost the game. 
 
 Mr. G. Well, but Captain McCafferty— 
 
 McC. Then some of ye have been putting my 
 pegs back. 
 
 Mr. G. and Mr. B. No, Captain, no — 
 
 McC. Putting my pegs back, and me in a deli- 
 cate state of health. 
 
 Titus, {joining group at hack) Gentlemen, 
 gentlemen, don't agitate the Captain. 
 
 ( JoLiFFE has seated himself in arm-chair L. c. Pat. 
 crosses from a., and stands tehind his chair.) 
 
 Pat. How fine you're begining to look, Mr. JoliSe 
 dear. 
 
 JoL. Am I, Miss McCafferty ? 
 
 Pat. Have done wid the Miss McCafferty. My 
 x.ame's Patricia and Pat's the short for it. Sure, I 
 haven't fed ye on good calf's foot jelly, you at one 
 end of the spoon and me at the other, to be called 
 Miss McCafferty, now that you can feed without me. 
 
 JoL. Titus was right, (to Pat.) I'm very much 
 obliged. Miss McCaff Patricia. 
 
 Pat. (smoothing his hair) I combed your hair 
 in the middle when I had the dressing of it, and 
 pretty you looked. I suppose I shall never have 
 the combin' of it again, at all, at all. {sits k.) 
 
18 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 JoL. (aside) I should think Titus was right. 
 
 Titus, (going) Gentlemen, who will join in a 
 game of pyramids upstairs? 
 
 Mr. G. I will 
 
 Mr. B. So will I. 
 
 Titus. Captain. 
 
 McC. No, I've got a little private affair to talk 
 over with Mr. Joliffe. 
 
 (Titus, Gawge and Buzzard go off door l. Joliffe 
 rises and is about to sneak away quietly.) 
 
 JoL. (going L.) I think I'll make one. Doctor, 
 I think I'll make one. 
 (McCafferty takes his arm and brings him back.) 
 
 McC. Didn't ye hear me say I'd got a little busi- 
 ness wid ye ? 
 
 JoL. Beg pardon, beg pardon, business is a pleas- 
 ure. 
 
 McC. (sharply) Eh ! 
 
 JoL. I say business is a pleasure. 
 
 McC. (pointing to chair) Sit down then. 
 
 (Joliffe sits nervously.) 
 
 McC. Patricia, my darlin', retire to the bar till 
 I call ye. 
 
 (Pat. rises and crosses to R. McCafferty detains 
 her and embraces her, wiping his eyes with emo- 
 tion.) 
 
 McC. Ah, my little girl, is the time comin' when 
 I've to share ye wid another man? Go, darlin'. 
 
 (Pat. goes out door r.) 
 
 JoL. (aside) I've a presentiment something 
 dreadful is going to happen. 
 
 McC. (turning to Jol.) Mr. Montague Joliffe, 
 sor! You've been wid us, an occupant of the best 
 bed-room at this Hotel, six weeks come yesterday. 
 You were brought here flat on the broad of your 
 
IN CHANCERY. 19 
 
 back, bruised and battered. You've been nursed by 
 my own daughter and physicked by my own doctor, 
 and have enjoyed all the advantages of my own 
 personal society. 
 
 JoL. I^m sure I can never express my deep 
 sense — 
 
 McC. Don't try, sor, when I'm in the middle of 
 speaking — kindness is my disposition. 
 
 {He goes to side-hoard, is watched anxiously hy JoL., 
 and from a drawer takes out a number of long 
 sheets of paper closely written upon, and fastened 
 together in one corner.) 
 
 McC. On paper, sor, in plain pounds, shillings 
 and pence, your visit to this establishment takes that 
 figure, {handing paper to Joliffe) Mr. Joliffe, 
 your bill, sor. 
 
 (Joliffe tahes hill with a look of horror. McCaf- 
 FERTY goes up to table R. c.^ and puts cards etc., 
 in drawer.) 
 
 JoL. (aside, weakly) I was right, I was right. 
 Something dreadful has happened, (turning over 
 the sheets one hy one) First week. Oh! Second 
 week — gracious ! Third week — goodness ! Fourth 
 week, nourishing food, oh, Christopher ! Fifth week, 
 wine, oh, Columbus! Sixth week, delicacies out of 
 season — Ah! eh! ah! (he collapses.) 
 
 McC. (standing over him) What the devil's the 
 meaning of the zoological sounds you're emitting, 
 sor? Are you delighted with the moderation of 
 your little account, or are ye not ? 
 
 JoL. (recovering) Oh, delighted, delighted 
 Captain McCafferty ! Are you quite sure nothing has 
 been left out? (turning over leaves) Where's the 
 penny-worth of periwinkles I had for tea yesterday? 
 
 (McCafferty snatches the hill from him, and 
 examines it violently.) 
 
20 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 McC. How dare you give me a turn, and me in 
 a delicate state of health, (returning hill, and point- 
 ing out an item) There it is before you. 
 
 JoL. Oh ! of course. (reading) Periwinkles 
 half-a-crown. Thank you, you haven't charged for 
 the pin. 
 
 McC. No, sor. 
 
 (JoLiFFE tries unsuccessfully to cram the account 
 into his pocTcet.) 
 
 JoL. (holding them out to McCafferty) There 
 isn't a lift in the Hotel to take them up to my floor, 
 is there? 
 
 McC. ISTo, sor. Stop, I ought to tell you we take 
 off 2J per cent, to commercial travellers. Are you a 
 commercial traveller? 
 
 JoL. (rising aghast) Am I a — what? 
 
 McC. A commercial traveller ! 
 
 JoL. Ah ! No— 0—0 ! I don't think so. 
 
 McC. You don't think so ! 
 
 JoL. I mean I don't remember being a commer- 
 cial traveller. 
 
 McC. You don't remember ! 
 
 JoL. Just so, just so, of course if a man is a 
 commercial traveller, the chances are ten to one he 
 knows it, aren't they? 
 
 McC. (violently) Why certainly, sor! 
 
 JoL. (calming him) Just so, just so, that's what 
 I want to get at. No, don't think of taking off 2^ 
 per cent. 
 
 McC. Then, Mr. Joliffe, if you're not a commer- 
 cial traveller, what the devil are you? 
 
 JoL. (his jaw dropping) Eh, what am I? 
 
 McC. What are ye? 
 
 JoL. What — ^hold this for a moment, will you? 
 It's rather heavy. 
 
 (Joliffe, who has been nursing the bundle of papers 
 like a hahy, deposits it in the Captain's arms,\ 
 
IN CHANCERY. 21 
 
 JoL. (wiping Ms Irow) Yes, of course, what am 
 I? 
 
 McC. Yes, sor, what are you? 
 
 JoL. What am I ? 
 
 McC. Yes, sir, what are you? 
 
 JoL. Oh, I'm a — I'm a gentleman. 
 
 McC. A gintleman, well, I'm glad of that. 
 (shaking Joliffe^s hand) There's two of us. Now 
 we shall get at what I'm driving at. You come of 
 a good family, I take it? 
 
 JoL. Oh, yes. The, the, the Joliffes ! 
 
 McC. Oh, the Joliffes ! 
 
 JoL. Yes, the old Joliffes — the good old JolijBEes. 
 
 McC. London boys? 
 
 JoL. Well, they're spread about, they're spread 
 about, some here and some there. 
 
 McC. Are they rich? 
 
 JoL. jSTo, that's the devil of it. (putting hands 
 into pockets) All the Jolliffe I know is a pauper — 
 I mean all the Joliffes I know are paupers. Fine, 
 well-made, strajDping fellows, but no money, no 
 money. 
 
 McC. And you? 
 
 JoL. Oh, I'm a regular Joliffe. 
 
 McC. {returning the bundle of papers quickly) 
 Take your bill. Now, sor, I've a communication 
 to make to ye. Be seated. 
 
 (They sit. Joliffe l. c. McCaffeety brings chair 
 
 0.) 
 
 JoL. (aside) Something else is going to happen. 
 
 McC. Mr. Montague Joliffe, you may have heard, 
 sor, that I'm a man in a precarious state of health, 
 wid a bullet in me somewhere or other, and where it 
 is the devil only knows, for the doctor does not. 
 
 JoL. Yes, I've heard that once or twice before. 
 
 McC. Ye may have heard also that the slightest 
 agitation or excitement may make an angel of me. 
 
22 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 JoL. (duUously) Well, I'm not prepared £o 
 pledge— 
 
 McC. (violently) None of your dirty dubious 
 looks, sor ! Yes or no ? 
 
 JoL. Yes. {quicMy.) 
 
 McC. Very well, then. NTow, sor, I'm desirous 
 of settling the future of this wonderful property, the 
 Bteepleton Eailway Hotel, by way of selecting a 
 gintleman to succeed the present proprietor now 
 before ye, and, sor after looking on all sides of me, 
 my choice has fallen upon you. 
 
 JoL. But, Captain McCafferty, I've no capital. 
 
 McC. Stop, I'm comin' to that. 
 
 JoL. Are you ? I'm glad of that. 
 
 McC. I don't deny that I should have preferred 
 ye wid capital, but as you're a pauper, I must take ye 
 as ye are. 
 
 JoL. (attempting to rise) But, Captain McCaf- 
 ferty — 
 
 McC. (pushing Jiim hack) Sit down, Mr. Joliife, 
 sor. You may have observed that my little girl has 
 taken a strong liking for ye. 
 
 JoL. Y'our — little girl ! 
 
 McC. My daughter, Patricia. 
 
 JoL. Eeally, Captain, I don't think — (rising.) 
 
 McC. (violently) Don't contradict me, sor, 
 when you know the doctor forbids it ! I say, sor, 
 that my little girl is pining for ye ! Why, sor, she's 
 the shadow of what she was a month ago. 
 
 JoL. You don't say so. 
 
 McC. But I do say so. (excitedly slapping his 
 Tcnees at each sentence) And I say, sor, that Diony- 
 sius McCafferty has made up his mind that the banns 
 shall go up next Sunday for your weddin' wid the 
 best little girl that ever drew breath in the parlour, 
 or heer in the bar. (rising) Give me your hand, 
 Mr. Joliffe you're in luck, sor ! (puts chair hach E.), 
 
 JoL. (rising) But, Captain McCafferty — < 
 
 McC, (turning) Well, sor! 
 
IN CHANCERY. 23 
 
 JoL. Suppose IVe got a wife already. 
 
 McC. What? 
 
 JoL. Suppose IVe got a wife already. 
 
 McC. (in a rage) What! Do you mean to say 
 you've crawled into my house and stolen the heart 
 of my little girl, whilst you've got a wife waitin' for 
 your home comin'. 
 
 JoL. (alarmed) Don't excite yourself, Captain, 
 don't excite yourself, think of the bullet. 
 
 McC. (sinking into chair R.) Viper! You've 
 done for me, viper ! 
 
 JoL. Captain McCafferty, don't excite yourself, I 
 didn't say I was married. 
 
 (McCafferty groans.) 
 
 On the contrary, I don't think I am married. 
 
 McC. What do you mean, you blackguard. 
 
 JoL. I mean, I don't remember ever marrying 
 anybody. 
 
 McC. (jumping up) Don't remember! 
 
 JoL. You see if a man is married the chances are 
 ten to one he knows it, ain't they? 
 
 McC. When I was married I knew it ! 
 
 JoL. Just so, just so, that's what I want to get 
 at, that's what I want to get at. 
 
 McC. (panting) Ugh, what a shock you gave 
 me ! Bless you, my boy. I'll call my little girl, and 
 yoTi shall make her a happy creature with the good 
 news. 
 
 JoL. Wait a minute, wait a minute. 
 
 (McCafferty goes to door n., opens it and calls,) 
 
 McC. Patricia, Pat, come here. 
 
 JoL. (hysterically) What am I going to do! 
 Wliat am I going to do ! Oh, if I only could remem- 
 ber. 
 (Pat. enters door r. McCafferty embraces her.) 
 
 McC. Pat, my darlin', the blow has dropped on 
 me! I've got to share ye wid another man. Go to 
 
24 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 him, there he stands — your own lawful husband that 
 is to be. 
 
 (Patricia crosses to Joliffe.) 
 
 Pat. (hashfully) Montague ! 
 JOL. {in a daze) P — P — Patricia. 
 
 (They embrace.) 
 
 Pat. Ah thin! I shall comb your hair agin for 
 you after all. 
 
 (She leads him over to r., she sitting. McCaffeety 
 goes to door l. and calls.) 
 
 McC. Doctor, come down ! Mr. Gawge, Mr. Buz- 
 zard, sors, come down! 
 (Titus, Gawge and Buzzard enter quickly door l.) 
 
 Titus, Mr. G. and Mr. B. Well, Captain, what 
 is it. 
 
 McC. Mr. Joliffe has proposed for my little girl 
 and I've consented. 
 
 (McCafferty l. c. Titus, Gawge and Buzzard 
 gather round Joliffe and Pat. congratulating 
 them noisily.) 
 
 Mr. B. Congratulate you, Mr. Joliffe. 
 
 Mr. G. You're a lucky man, sir. 
 
 Titus, (aside to Joliffe) Y^ou've taken the 
 dotor's advice then, lucky devil. 
 (Gawge and Buzzard resume their places behind 
 
 table as before. Titus goes up l. c, a bell rings 
 
 offR.) 
 
 McC. What's that? 
 
 Pat. The post, I fancy, wid the London papers. 
 
 (She hustles off e. McCafferty crosses to Joliffe.) 
 
 McC. Ah, my boy ! It's not a penniless bride ye 
 take to your heart, for I've made up my mind to 
 settle upon my daughter the sum of what's the amount 
 of your bill? (taJces bill from under Joliffe's arm.) 
 [Total £168—5—10. That's the exact amount I mean 
 
IN CHANCERY. 25 
 
 ]to settle on my daughter, so to the devil wid the bill. 
 (Throwing away hill, and grasping Joliffe's hand.) 
 Consider youVe got the money. Heaven prosper you. 
 (Music) (Patricia enters with 6 London papers.) 
 Pat. The London papers. 
 
 (McCafferty taJces three, throws one to Gawge, 
 one to TiTUS^ who has dropped into chair L., and 
 sits L. c. keeping remaining one. Pat. gives one 
 to Buzzard and one to Jol., who brings chair and 
 sits c, retaining one herself, sitting r. They all 
 simultaneously open the papers, turn them twice, 
 and begin reading greedily. Music. Mysterious 
 and melodramatic played piano. After a short 
 pause JoLiFFE utters a cry of horror, he holes 
 round and seeing that no one is looking at him, 
 reads.) 
 
 Jol. Ah! (looking round reading) '^£200 
 reward, absconded about six weeks ago, Montague 
 Joliffe, fair, slim, about five feet ten inches in height. 
 The above reward will be paid on application to 
 Messrs. Screw and Patchett, Solicitors, " Grays Inn." 
 Montague Joliffe, that's my name! Fair, Pm fair! 
 Slim, I'm slim ! 5 feet 10 inches in height, that's 
 my measure. I'm a criminal, I'm a criminal ! 
 (They all look up from their papers in astonishment.) 
 All. (loudly) What's the matter? 
 
 (Music quickens.) 
 
 '(Beginning with Patricia, Joliffe goes from one 
 
 to the other snatching the newspapers.) 
 
 Jol. Don't read the papers, don't read the papers, 
 don't read the papers. 
 
 (All rise in confusion. Joliffe sinks into chair c, 
 with newspapers under his arm. Music swells 
 loudly as Curtain falls. Quick Curtain.) 
 Buzzard Joliffe Gawge 
 
 Pat. McCafferty 
 
 Titus 
 
 .^oc Lldr, 
 
 OF THt- 
 
26 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 ACT 11. 
 
 ARTIFICIAL MEMORY. 
 
 Scene: — Tlie best room of the Hotel, at bach c, a 
 large window looking out on to sky prospect, with 
 the tops of some distant trees R. and L. Up stage 
 and facing each other, doors set obliquely. Down 
 stage R., — fireplace. Before fireplace, an arm- 
 chair and footstool, on the arm-chair, a loose 
 cushion, under which some newspapers are con- 
 cealed. A hearth-rug to be raised, showing some 
 newspapers under it. Down stage L. c, a couch. 
 Up stage c, a large dining table, laid for wedding 
 breakfast, with glass, plate, flowers, etc., etc. In 
 the centre of the table, a large wedding cake. 
 Decanters of spirit, etc. Seven or eight chairs 
 round the table. Inside door R. lock and key, 
 outside door L. lock and key, practicable {most 
 important. Articles of furniture, pictures, por- 
 traits, etc., to fill spaces. 
 
 See plan of Scene. 
 
 (Mendelsohn's wedding march at rise of curtain. 
 McCafferty enters door R., carrying two bottles 
 of champagne. McCafferty is in resplendent 
 attire, dressed in all the colours of the rainbow, 
 and wearing a large wedding favour; he deposits 
 the wine upon the table.) 
 
 McC. Phew ! It's a mighty good job that my 
 little girl's not married every day of my life, what 
 with the wedding breakfast, my wines and spirits, to 
 say nothing of supplying the bridegroom with a 
 trousseau as well as the bride, (a knock at door R.) 
 Come in now. 
 
 (Mr. Hinxman" enters, carrying a glass of grog. A 
 rather shabby looking person, with a sharp en- 
 quiring manner.) 
 
IN CHANCERY. 27 
 
 HiNX. I'm afraid I'm intruding. 
 
 McC. I'll tell ye that when I know who ye are. 
 
 HiNX. My name's (cheching himself) er — 
 
 Simpson. I arrived at Steepleton late last night, 
 having a look round on railway business. 
 
 McC. Oh, I remember ye comin'. 
 
 (McCafferty Insies himself at talle, Hinxman" 
 comes down r., places grog on mantelpiece.) 
 
 HiNX. Got a wedding on here to-day, I hear? 
 
 McC. My little girl's to be sacrificed. 
 
 HiNX. Who's the happy man? 
 
 McC. Bfye mean the bemaddening idiot she's 
 wasted her young affections on? 
 
 HiNX. I mean the bridegroom. 
 
 McC. His name, bad luck to him is Joliffe, Mr. 
 Montague Joliffe. 
 
 (HiNXMAN starts, talces out pocTcet-hooh and maJces 
 notes.) 
 
 HiNX. (aside) That's my man ! I thought I was 
 on the right track, (to McCafferty, with assumed 
 indifference) A resident here, I suppose? 
 
 McC. No, a stranger, came here from the devil 
 knows where, about a couple of months ago. 
 
 HiNX. (writing again) I've got him, I've got 
 him, or my name's not James Hinxman, and going 
 to commit bigamy, too, is he ? Oh ! this'll make a 
 pretty case — this will, (pochets note-hooh and turns 
 as McCafferty comes down.) 
 
 HiNX. I should like to join the wedding party. 
 Captain McCafferty, if you've no objection? 
 
 McC. Well, you'll join it if you pay your dam- 
 age: the more the wretcheder. 
 
 (Mr. Gav^ge a7id Mr. Buzzard hustle in door r., 
 gaudily dressed and wearirig wedding favours.) 
 
 Mr. G. and Mr. B. (together) Here we are, 
 Captain, here we are. (coming c.) 
 
28 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 McC. Here ye are, here ye are! D'ye think I 
 can't see ye ? You're visible to the naked eye, I can 
 tell you, and about an hour too soon, both of ye. 
 
 Mr. G. Better too soon, than too late. Captain. 
 
 McC. (angrily) Don't dictate to me, sor, on an 
 anxious occasion like the present. 
 
 Mr. B. Beg pardon, Captain, may we have a 
 peep at the bride? 
 
 McC. Well, your daughter Amelia Anne is 
 a-dressin' of her. 
 
 (Goes to door and calls. Mr. Gawge and Mr. Buz- 
 zard go up and inspect the table.) 
 
 McC. Patricia ! Pat ! Come down and show 
 yourself if you're dacent. 
 
 (He turns and sees Gawge and Buzzard inspecting 
 table.) 
 
 McC. (sharply) Mr. Gawge! Mr. Buzzard! 
 Sors, you'll not touch the meal now till the melan- 
 choly time arrives. 
 
 (Pat. enters door l., attended by Amelia Ann" 
 Buzzard. Miss Buzzard is dressed in a very old 
 maidish style, quite a contrast to Pat. Patricia 
 is dressed in bridal white and orange blossoms.) 
 Pat. Here I am, papa. 
 
 McC. (proudly) Here she is, gintlemen, and it's 
 something more than parental pride when I say, 
 mind your eyesight ! (To Hinxman, who is standing 
 on hearthrug down R.) Mr. Simpson, my daughter. 
 (Hinxman bows to Pat.) and sivin shillings a yard 
 is the dress she's standing in. 
 
 Pat. Oh, pa, how can you expose me to such an 
 ordeal ? 
 
 HiNX. This is an unexpected pleasure. Captain 
 McCafferty. I suppose I shall have the pleasure of 
 making the acquaintance of Mr. Joliffe by-and-bye! 
 
IN CHANCERY. 29 
 
 Mr. B. He was sittin' in the passage, with his 
 'ed agin the wall, as we come along. 
 
 McC. Then why the devil didn't ye bring him 
 along wid ye? You're his best man, aren't you? 
 Fetch him here now. 
 
 Mr. G. and Mr. B. Certainly, Captain, certainly. 
 (Buzzard and Gawge 'bustle out door r.) 
 
 Pat. Papa, is it commy fo that we should meet? 
 
 McC. And is it commy fo that the father-in-law 
 should provide the bridegroom with a trousseau, to 
 say nothing of pocket-money into the bargain? 
 
 (Buzzard and Gawge re-enter with Joliffe. 
 JoLiFFE is in wedding clothes, looking exceedingly 
 anxious and unwell. He glances round wildly,) 
 
 JoL. Good evening. 
 
 McC. It's morning, you aggravating imbecile. 
 
 Pat. Papa ! 
 
 JoL. (solemnly) It's evening if you haven't been 
 to bed all night. Where's Dr. Titus? I wish to 
 consult Dr. Titus. 
 
 McC. He'll be here by-and-bye; what do ye re- 
 quire ? 
 
 JoL. I want a sleeping draught. I think a little 
 nap. {Seeing Buzzard on his left.) What are you, 
 when the time comes? 
 
 Mr. B. Oh, I'm the best man ! 
 
 JoL. {looking him up and down) The very best 
 man? (Buzzard nods assent.) Thank you — the ar- 
 rangements are splendid, (seeing Gawge on K.) 
 You are the second best man, I suppose? 
 
 Mr. G. Yes, yes, I suppose so. 
 
 JoL. Thank you, the arrangements are magnifi- 
 cent. 
 
 (Gawge and Buzzard hoth go up r. of table, Joliffe 
 sees HiNXMAN.) 
 
 JoL. I beg pardon, I don't know you, do I ? 
 
30 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 HiNX. Mr. Simpson. Captain McCafferty has 
 asked me to the wedding. 
 
 JoL. How nice ! Are there any more coming 
 up? {coming c. aside) What am I going to do? I 
 know I'm a criminal, but am I a married criminal? 
 Oh ! if I could only remember ! 
 (He goes up to table, tahes up a decanter of spirits, 
 
 and tries to pour some into glass, rattling the de^ 
 
 canter against the glass in his agitation.) 
 
 McC. (talcing decanter from him) No, you'll 
 not ! you'll not touch the refrishment till the melan- 
 choly time arrives. 
 (JoLiFFE and McCafferty expostulate with each 
 
 other up stage. HiNX., down R., refers to his 
 
 note-hook.) 
 
 HiNX. (aside) That's my man, I'll bet a pony. 
 I wish I hadn't lost that there photo of Montague 
 Joliife. I've wired to town for another, and must 
 wait till it comes. But this chap answers the descrip- 
 tion. Fair, he's fair. Slim, he's slim. Five foot 
 ten inches in height, that's about his measure — and 
 going to commit bigamy, too, are you, Mr. Joliffe? 
 (looking him up and down) Well, you look as if you 
 was a-going to commit everything, Mr. Joliffe. (re- 
 turns note-hooh to pocket) But I don't take my eye 
 off you till I get that other photo from town, and 
 chance it. 
 
 McC. (coming down ivith Joliffe) And there ye 
 are, standin' shakin' like the tail of a pig, and ye 
 haven't kissed your bride on the weddin' morning. 
 Is it behaviour? (shaking his fist at Joliffe) I 
 wish my state of health would permit me to lose my 
 temper wid ye. 
 
 JoL. I was about to do it. I was about to do it. 
 (Miss Buzzard and Pat. rise. Joliffe crosses to 
 
 them and distractedly embraces Miss Buzzard; 
 
 both ladies utter small screams.) 
 
 McC. What are ye doin'? What are ye doin'? 
 You're kissing the wrong woman. 
 
IN CHANCERY. 31 
 
 JoL. A mistake, a mistake! (Kisses Patricia.) 
 
 Mr. B. (indignantly) Kissing my daughter, Mr. 
 Joliffe ! You forget yourself, sir. 
 
 JoL. (throwing up his arms) I should think I do. 
 
 McC. Take him away! Take him away and 
 put him somewhere till the time comes to make him 
 my relative. Take him away ! 
 
 JoL. I'd rather explain, I'd rather explain. 
 
 (Gawge a?id Bvzzard take hold of him on each side 
 and he is home out door r. — McCafferty follow- 
 ing^ gesticulating violently.) 
 
 HiNX. Hallo ! This won't do ; I mustn't lose 
 sight of my man till I get that photo from town. 
 (to the ladies) Servant, ladies. (He goes out 
 door R.) 
 
 (Pat. rises and crosses to tahle c.) 
 Pat. I'm sure papa's too hard on Montague; it's 
 
 a confusin' time for him. Gintlemen aren't getting 
 
 married every day of their lives, (simpering) Not to 
 
 me, at any rate, (at chair R.) 
 
 Miss B. (gloomily) No, nor to me either, (going 
 
 to window c.) 
 
 Pat. (listening) What's that down below, dear? 
 
 (Miss B. runs to window and looks out.) 
 Miss B. Some arrivals from the Eailway Sta- 
 tion. A young lady with two servants, a man serv- 
 ant and a maid. Gracious ! Here's fashion ! 
 
 Pat. 0, bother 'em ! Coming here on my mar- 
 riage day, and nobody to look after the kitchen but 
 the bride, (crossing to the door) I hope pa will have 
 the good sense to shut the door on 'em. Come along, 
 dear, and help me to put on my veil. 
 Miss B. Yes, dear, with pleasur . 
 
 (Pat, goes out door l.^ followed by Miss B. As 
 they leave, the door R. opens and Joliffe re-enters 
 stealthily, closing the door behind him.) 
 JOL. I've given my best man the slip and stolen 
 
S2 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 away. If I could only reflect coherently on my posi- 
 tion, but such a dreadful headache has come on. 
 (crosses and sits on sofa l. c, leaning his head on 
 his hands) Oh, if I hadn't committed that dread- 
 ful crime — whatever it was — and knew who I was, 
 wouldn't I make the railway company pay for this? 
 
 (Unperceived hy Joliffe, Hinxman returns quietly 
 door R.) 
 
 HiNX. What's my man up to now? (hiding he- 
 hind window curtains) If he'd only say or do some- 
 thing to identify himself, I'd whip him off to a 
 magistrate in a jiffy. 
 
 JoL. (aside) If I had sufficient courage to fly, 
 where could I find a shelter — even a cabman's shel- 
 ter? No, Steepleton is my only chance of safety — 
 nobody comes to Steepleton unless they're left there 
 by a railway accident. If I went to some busier 
 spot, I should be arrested for that dreadful crime 
 I've committed. Oh, how could I have done that 
 dreadful deed — whatever it was? I wonder whether 
 I was a hardened criminal or only a victim of a 
 sudden temptation. I do hope — I do hope I wasn't 
 a mean thief. I should despise myself if I'd been 
 guilty of a nasty little paltry misdemeanour, (rising) 
 No, I hope it was a skilful, dexterous forgery, or 
 a brilliant, audacious embezzlement. Oh ! fancy, I 
 shall never be able to write my recollections. 
 
 (crosses b. c. Hinxman puts his head out from 
 curtains.) 
 
 HiNX. What's he muttering about? 
 
 JoL. (sitting in arm-chair) And now, am I or 
 am I not about to perpetrate a bigamy? (wiping his 
 eyes) Poor Patricia, I shouldn't like to deceive her. 
 She's a large-minded woman, large-minded and large- 
 hearted. Great woman altogether. No, I don't think 
 I can be a married man; if I'd been married, I 
 should never have committed that dreadful crime, 
 
IN CHANCERY. 33 
 
 unless it was for the sake of a starving wife and 
 family, (rising quickly) No, I must risk it, I must 
 risk it. Marriage is my only chance of self-preserva- 
 tion ; after the ceremony McCafferty is bound to pro- 
 tect his boy, his son-in-law. Oh, the difficulty I\e 
 had to conceal the offers of reward for my apprehen- 
 sion, at the present moment there are three weeks' 
 daily papers, concealed all over the Hotel. 
 
 {He lifts up the cushion of the chair in which he 
 has been sitting. Under the cushion there is a 
 quantity of newspapers) 
 
 Little does old McCafferty suspect the volcano up- 
 on which he sits. 
 
 (Goes to hearthrug and gingerly lifts up the corner, 
 a heap of newspapers is strewn under the rug). 
 
 (McCafferty's voice is heard without, off r.) 
 
 McC. Step this way, man, and mind the stairs. 
 
 JoL. McCafferty, McCafferty, is my time come? 
 (crosses L.) I'll go and put my head in cold water. 
 Oh, if I could only forget to take it out again, (goes 
 out L. door) 
 
 HiNX. (coming from hehind curtain) This 
 chap's conscience is a-pricking of him — to judge by 
 his antics, (looking towards door l.) He can't get 
 out this side of the house, but I'll keep my eye on 
 him. I '11 keep my eye on him. 
 
 (Re goes off door l. ^5 he leaves, McCafferty en^ 
 ters followed hy Mrs. Smith^ John and Walker. 
 Mrs. Smith is a young and pretty girl in an 
 elegant travelling dress. Walker is a neatly at- 
 tired, good-looking maid, and John a very 
 superior, smart, man-servant, tall, fair and slim. 
 Walker carries some hand-hags and John the 
 wraps) 
 McC. You'll not find a better apartment in any 
 
 hotel in Europe, anywhere. 
 
34 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 Mrs. S. Thank you, this will do. I am on my 
 way to the N"orth and wish to break the terribly 
 long journey by remaining here to-night. 
 
 McC. Well, you'll do as you like, but take notice 
 that the railway train will be a paradise to what this 
 hotel will be for the next dozen hours or more. 
 
 Mrs. S. Good gracious! — what do you mean? 
 
 McC. I mean that there's a wedding going on 
 here. 
 
 Mrs. S. a wedding ! Who's wedding ? 
 
 McC. The weddin' of my little girl with the be- 
 maddening idiot she's in love wid. 
 
 Mrs. S. (delighted) A wedding! Oh, how 
 romantic ! Isn't it. Walker ? 
 
 Walk. Yes, Ma'am. 
 
 Mrs. S. (turning to JoHisr with a sigh) Fancy, 
 John, a wedding. 
 
 John. Yes, ma'am. 
 
 McC. And it's here that the gorging will be 
 done, so if you'll take my advice you'll go below 
 while they're a-doin' it. 
 
 Mrs. S. (clapping her hands) Oh no, do let me 
 remain here and watch the festivities, do Mr. — Mr. 
 O'Flaherty. 
 
 McC. (indignantly) Captain McCafferty, madam ! 
 
 Mrs. S. Captain McCafferty, do let me stay. I've 
 never seen an Irish wedding. 
 
 McC. (beside himself) An Irish weddin'. And 
 what's the difference between — 
 
 Mrs. S. Oh, no, none I'm sure, none, none. 
 
 McC. Very well then, very well, (giving Tceys 
 to Walker) No. 5, No. 8 and No. 16 are your rooms 
 above. There are the keys, the locks are out of order. 
 (muttering) Irish weddin' indeed! (to Mrs. Smith) 
 What name? 
 
 Mrs. S. Smith. 
 
 McC. (with contempt) Schmidt. 
 
 Mrs. S. Mrs. Smith. 
 
 McC. (turning to go) Schmidt, well I've never 
 
IN CHANCERY. 35 
 
 seen an Italian before, {indignantly) Irish weddin', 
 indeed ! 
 
 {He goes out R.^ hanging the door after him, Mrs. 
 S. laughs heartily.) 
 
 Mrs. S. Ha, ha ! what an extraordinary person. 
 Walker, run upstairs and see what my room is like. 
 John shall go to the Station for the luggage. 
 
 Walk. Yes, ma'am. 
 
 (Walker places hand-hag on sofa and goes out door 
 L.^ directly she has gone, Mrs. Smith and John 
 exchange looks then walk tiptoe, Mrs. Smith to 
 door L., John" to door n., they open the doors, 
 then listen for a moment, and then close the doors 
 quietly, they then return quickly to c, where Mrs. 
 Smith throivs herself into John's arms.) 
 
 Mrs. S. Oh, Montage, Montague, Montague! 
 
 John. My own, dear, precious little wife ! 
 
 Mrs. S. Oh, Montague, when shall I be able to 
 be my real self? (going to sofa) I long to throw 
 off this disguise and be to the world what I really 
 am, Mrs. Montague Joliffe the wife of the dearest 
 fellow in the world, (gets to John^ takes his hand 
 and lays her head on his shoulder, then returns to 
 sofa.) 
 
 John. Oh, Melina darling! I too long to throw 
 aside this wretched disguise and be myself again, 
 Montague Joliffe, the husband of the best little wife 
 in the world. But darling, every newspaper, day 
 after day contains the offer of a reward for my dis- 
 covery. 
 
 Mrs. S. I know, I know ! Y^ou don't think that 
 Walker, my new maid, suspects anything. 
 
 John. N"o, why should she ? 
 
 Mrs. S. Oh, what a honeymoon for two young 
 people, (sits on sofa) Fetch the luggage from the 
 Station, dear. 
 
 John, (with disgust) More porters, (goes to 
 
86 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 door and returns io c.) My honeymoon is made np 
 of calling cabs, taking tickets, carrying luggage and 
 every menial occupation under the sun, and Fm 
 worse off than a real servant. 
 
 Mrs. S. Oh, Montague! 
 
 John". I am, real servants get tips, I don't. 
 
 (Mrs. S. rises and crosses, embracing liim again) 
 Mrs. S. Well then, here's a tip for you, my poor 
 dear martyr, {hissing him) 
 
 (Walker enters door i,., unperceived hy them, sees 
 
 them embrace and utters scream. They separate 
 
 in confusion) 
 
 Walker. Well, I never! 
 
 Mrs. S. Oh, dear, oh dear, you — you, you came 
 in without knocking. 
 
 Walk. Eeally, ma'am, I must ask to leave you 
 at once. In all my old families, the men-servants 
 have always been the maids' perquisites. 
 
 John. (r. c.) Be silent! 
 
 Mrs. S. This is my husband. 
 
 Walker. A lady married a man ! 
 
 Mrs. S. Well, what should a lady marry? 
 
 Walker. I mean a servant man. No wonder I've 
 never had any attention from him. 
 
 John. My good woman, I am not a man-servant. 
 I am merely assuming the character of one, and now 
 that you are assured of that fact, you can go about 
 your business. 
 
 Mrs. S. (going to Walker) Oh no, Walker, 
 don't leave me in my great difficulties, you're a good- 
 hearted woman, I know, and I'll confide in you. 
 Have patience, Montague dear! 
 
 (John sits in arm-chair r. c. Mrs. Smith sits on 
 cushion at his feet. Walker stands by c, with 
 arms folded) 
 Mrs. S. Walker, have you ever known anybody 
 
 in Chancery? ' 
 
IN CHANCERY. 37 
 
 Walk. Yes, ma'am, I have, my brother had a 
 fight with a milkman. 
 
 Mrs. S. No, no ; do you know what a Ward is ? 
 
 Walk. A sick ward, ma'am? 
 
 John, {dolefully) She takes us for a work- 
 house. 
 
 Mrs. S. (tenderly) It's only because we are a 
 union. Y^es, Walker, I am a sick ward, a heartsick 
 ward. Walker, I'm what they call a ward of court, 
 one of the Lord Chancellor's young ladies, you know, 
 and I daren't marry without the approval of the Vice 
 Chancellor and the consent of my trustees. Major 
 Gamboil and Admiral Turvey, and I have married 
 without anybody's consent or approval at all, and 
 oh. Walker, they're trying to take my dear husband 
 from me, and to put him into prison to make door- 
 mats, (crying) And we're both very young — and 
 we couldn't bear it — and oh! Walker, how would 
 you like it yourself? 
 
 (Mrs. S. hursts into tears; John soothes and em- 
 braces her.) 
 
 Walk, (sympathetically) Well, ma'am, of 
 course I didn't know when I saw you kissing master ! 
 Bless him, I've often had the mind to do it myself. 
 
 Mrs. S. Walker! 
 
 Walk. Well, Ma'am, I didn't know that he was 
 your dear, good, husband, and a gentleman, and I 
 couldn't think of leaving you, but what will you do 
 if they catch him? (crying) And where are you 
 off to now, ma'am? 
 
 Mrs. S. To an old Hydropathic Establishment 
 in Pitlorhin, where we think no one would dream 
 of looking for us, we tried to get there about two 
 months ago, but we both met with a horrible shaking 
 in a railway accident at this very Junction. 
 
 John. A shocking railway accident, we were 
 thrown into each other's arms. 
 
38 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 Mrs. S. (to Walker) Yes, and that was not the 
 worst of it. 
 
 John-, (to Mrs. S.) ISTo dear, that was the best 
 of it. 
 
 Mrs. S. In the collision, Mr. Joliffe lost his 
 overcoat and his card case, that's why we have 
 changed our name, in case the loss should put the 
 police on his track. There, run along downstairs, my 
 good Walker, and see if there is any chance of our 
 getting something to eat ! 
 
 Walk. Yes, ma'am, that I will, {crossing to 
 door R.) Eat! There, I feel I could swallow the 
 master to keep him out of sight ! 
 
 (Walker goes out door r. as Hinxman enters 
 door L. unnoticed hy John and Mrs. Smith.) 
 
 HiNX. (aside) My man's a-soaking of his head. 
 I wonder whether there's another post in from Town 
 yet? (seeing Mrs. Smith and John) Hullo! 
 More wedding guests, I suppose ? 
 
 Mrs. S. (turning and seeing liim) I beg your 
 pardon. 
 
 HiNX. I beg yours, ma'am, I was just going 
 downstairs to — 
 
 (seeing Mrs. Smithy's face, lie starts hack with a 
 cry of surprise) 
 
 IIiNX. Excuse me, mum. 
 
 (He takes out a pocket-hook, and out of hook a 
 photo, which he rapidly compares with Mrs. 
 Smith's face) 
 
 HiNX. Right! By Jingo Yours is too pretty a 
 face to be mistook, even when seen in a photo : Mrs. 
 Montague Joliffe, I'm pleased to meet you, ma'am. 
 
 (Mrs. Smith and John utter a suppressed cry hut 
 otherwise retain their composure.) 
 
 Mrs. S. (faintly) Who — who are you, sir? 
 
IN CHANCERY. 39 
 
 HiNX. Hinxman — Mr. James Hinxman, a pri- 
 vate enquiry officer, in connection with Scotland 
 Yard. I'm employed by your guardians, Major 
 Gamboil and Admiral Turvey, to discover the where- 
 abouts of Mr. Montague Joliffe who is wanted for 
 contempt for marrying a ward of court. 
 
 (JoHK comes quichly hetween Mrs. S. and Hinx- 
 man.) 
 
 John. Then let me tell you, Mr. James Hinx- 
 man, if you don't instantly quit this room, I shall 
 take you by the scruff of the neck and break a win- 
 dow with you. 
 
 HiNX. Hallo! Who's this? 
 
 John, (advancing) Who am I? 
 
 Mrs. S. (grasping the situation) Oh, that — 
 that is John Chorley, my servant, he is a very faith- 
 ful fellow — but who — occasionally forgets his place. 
 Go away, John, and don't interfere. 
 
 (John looks from one to the other, then retires up 
 quichly.) 
 
 Mrs. S. (to Hinxman) And now, sir, wha€ 
 do you want with me? 
 
 HiNX. To bring you face to face with your hus- 
 band. Your following your good gentleman to 
 Steepleton gives me the one remaining proof I 
 wanted. And a nice little game you've caught him 
 up to, now you have found him. (He goes up to 
 door laughing and calls) Here, Mr. Joliffe, Mr. 
 Montague Joliffe, you're wanted. 
 
 (John has come down r. c. — r. of Mrs. Smith.) 
 
 John, (aside to Mrs. Smith) What? 
 Mrs. S. (aside to John) Hush! be quiet! 
 HiNX. Mr. Joliffe, you're wanted. 
 John, (aside to Mrs. Smith) What's the 
 meaning of this ? 
 Mrs. S. Wait and see. 
 
40 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 HiNX. You're wanted. 
 
 JoL. (outside) Want me, want me? 
 
 (JoLiFFE enters slowly door L. His hair is larik 
 and damp, and he is mopping his forehead with 
 his handkerchief.) 
 
 HiNX. Yes, I've got a pleasant little surprise 
 for you. 
 
 Joi. Surprise ? 
 
 HiNX. Yes, here's your good lady. 
 
 JoL. My what? 
 
 HiNX. Your wife, Mrs. Montague Joliffe, come 
 all the way to Steepleton to find you. 
 
 (HiNXMAN pushes him over to Mrs. S. and sits on 
 sofa L. c. rubbing his hands triumphantly. Jol- 
 iffe stands bewildered.) 
 
 JoL. My wife, my wife, (gazing at Mrs. S. and 
 advancing slowly) M — Mrs. Joliffe! 
 
 Mrs. S. (commanding herself) Mrs. Joliffe! 
 
 JoL. My wife ! (pulling himself together) Had 
 any difficulty in finding me, (enquiringly) Maria? 
 
 HiNX. (rising) Maria, be bio wed! Look here, 
 Mr. Joliffe, its no use your trying to gammon me. 
 You'd better look things straight in the face. My 
 name's Hinxman, I'm a detective, I'm after you, 
 and you know well what for. 
 
 JoL. (makes a move to Hinx — enquiringly) 
 What? 
 
 Hinx. Y'ou've married Miss Mellina Summers, 
 a ward of Chancery, without the consent of the court, 
 Major Gamboil and Admiral Turvey, the young 
 lady's guardians, and that's the long and short of 
 it, now then! 
 
 (Joliffe has been listening very attentively to every 
 word, utters a sigh of relief.) 
 
 JoL. Oh ! that's what I've been up to. (sticks his 
 fingers in his waistcoat^ and walks up and down 
 
IN CHANCERY. 41 
 
 stage "beside himself with delight. Digging himself 
 in the rihs) Artful devil, gay dog! Kegular Joliffe. 
 (digging Hinxman in the rihs, Hinxman remon- 
 strates — they talk together.) 
 
 John, {aside to Mrs. Smith) What does all 
 this mean? 
 
 Mrs. S. (aside to John) The man's evidently 
 an impostor, who has taken your name to screen him- 
 self. Be silent, it may save us. 
 
 JoL. (to Hinxman) Then there's no forgery or 
 embezzlement in the case. 
 
 HiNX. Well, not in my instructions. 
 
 JoL. (Indignantly) Of course there isn't, sir, 
 you'd better be careful vrhat you insinuate, (turn- 
 ing to Mrs. S., who is standing r. c. in wonderment) 
 Well, Mellina dear, how I have been expecting you, 
 Mellina. 
 
 (Joliffe holds out his arm to Mellina, who shrinks 
 hack, while John utters an exclamation of indig- 
 nation.) 
 
 Mrs. S. Be quiet — you'll betray yourself. 
 
 JoL. (dropping his arms uneasily) Don't be 
 annoyed, Mellina, I can explain — 
 
 HiNX. (laughing) Ha! ha! ha! 
 
 JoL. I left you, Mellina, about two months ago, 
 wasn't it, Mellina? 
 
 Mrs. S. Yes, you know it was. (goes and faces 
 him.) 
 
 JoL. Yes, I know, I know it was. I tore myself 
 from your side because I — you — we — they — yoM 
 know why, Mellina. Then I had a nasty accident, and 
 couldn't hold my pen. How I have missed you, 
 Mellina. 
 
 Mrs. S. (frightened hut conquering herself) 
 In — Indeed ! 
 
 JoL. (genially) And how are things at home? 
 Old place looking just the same?. 
 
 Mrs. S, Just the same. 
 
42 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 JoL. I'm rather curious to see how the old place 
 is looking. 
 
 Mrs. S. I — I — dare say. 
 
 JoL. Well, we've got ourselves into a nice scrape, 
 haven't we, Mellina. I suppose Major — {turning 
 
 to HiNXMAN.) 
 
 HiNX. Gamboil. 
 
 JoL. Yes, Gamboil and Admiral — (turning to 
 
 HiNXMAN.) 
 
 HiNX. Turvey. 
 
 JoL. Turvey, yes, are in a frightful rage. 
 
 Mrs. S. Awful. 
 
 JoL. I always hated those two old boys. 
 
 HiNX. Old! They're not old. 
 
 JoL. {correcting himself hastily) No, no, not 
 when I left home, time does fly. Well I suppose 
 they'll drag me before the Vice Chancellor, an inar- 
 ticulate old gentleman who will read me a long lec- 
 ture and incarcerate me in Holloway prison. It will 
 be a sad trial for you, Mellina, a sad — 
 
 (JoLiFFE puts his arm round her, she averts her 
 head; John utters a cry of rage and turns on 
 JoLiFEE^ clenching his fists.) 
 
 JoL. {loohing at John) What's the matter 
 with that fellow? 
 
 Mrs. S. {still in Joliffe's arms) Oh, it's — it's 
 — it's John ! 
 
 JoL. Oh, is it ! Then what is the matter with 
 John? 
 
 Mrs. S. Oh, he's a little subject to nervous at- 
 tacks. But he's a very faithful servant. 
 
 JoL. Is he? It quite slipped my memory that 
 I had engaged John. I don't like the looks of John. 
 I didn't like the look of him when I engaged him. 
 
 John, (advances fiercely with clenched fists) 
 What the— 
 
 JoL. John, take a month, take a month! 
 
IN CNANCERY. 43 
 
 (John goes up attempting to restrain his rage.) 
 
 JoL. Well, Mellina, dear. I suppose they'll drag 
 me away to prison. But it can't be for more than 
 a fortnight, my previous high character will do 
 wonders for me. (anxiously) From what you know 
 of my past, you would consider my character rather 
 a high one, wouldn't you, Mellina ? 
 
 Mrs. S. From what I know of your past, yes. 
 
 JoL. Yes, yes, yes, it will be a distressing scene 
 when you leave me at the prison gates, but you must 
 bear up for the sake of the little ones. 
 
 (Mrs. S. starts from him with a cry, John threat- 
 ening JoLiFFE ajid HiNXMAN in fits of laughter 
 on the sofa) 
 
 HiNX. Ha! ha! ha! 
 
 Mrs. S. Oh — there are no little ones. 
 
 JoL. 'No, no, my mistake, little one, perhaps? 
 
 HiNX. Ha! ha!" ha! 
 
 Mrs. S. There is no little one. 
 
 JoL. I didn't know — didn't know, time does fly. 
 (goes up stage nervously, John comes down to Mrs. 
 Smith.) 
 
 John, (aside) I shall choke him in a minute. 
 
 JoL. (looking round) Well, I supoose there's 
 nothing left for us but to start back to Town with- 
 out delay. Are you ready, Mellina, are you ready? 
 
 HiNX. (rising) Stop, stop, stop, Mr. Joliffe, not 
 so fast if you please. There's another little matter 
 agin you. 
 
 JoL. Another little matter? 
 
 HiNX. Yes, the charge of conspiring to commit 
 a bigamous marriage, with the daughter of the pro- 
 prietor of this hotel. Your wife there, Mellina Jol- 
 iffe, being alive. 
 
 JoL. Oh! (goes up and sits l. of tahle.) 
 
 Mrs. S. (with assumed indignation) Oh ! 
 
 HiNX, I suppose you don't know all your bus- 
 
44 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 band's little caperosities, Mrs. Joliffe. (with enjoy- 
 ment) This is his wedding morning, wedding morn- 
 ing number two. (looking at watch) It's almost 
 time to set off to the church, (pointing to tahle) 
 Look at the cake and — (pointing to the wedding 
 favour in Joliffe^s coat) look at Mr. Joliffe's wed- 
 din' favour. 
 
 (Joliffe hastily drags the favour from his coat and 
 crams it into his pocket.) 
 
 JoL. It's all a mistake, it's all a mistake. I can 
 explain. I have had an accident, my recollection is 
 impaired, and when I became engaged to Miss Mc- 
 Cafferty, I had entirely^ forgotten the circumstances 
 of my marriage to this lady. 
 
 HiNX. What? (emphatically) Tell that to the 
 Marines. 
 
 JoL. I shall be happy to do so. 
 
 HiNX. You'll tell it to the nearest local magis- 
 trate first, for I'm going to lodge an information 
 agin you. 
 
 JoL. But I protest. 
 
 HiNX. Do you? Well, you are green. 
 
 JoL. I may be, for all I know, I may be Green, 
 or Brown, or Jones, or Robinson. 
 
 Mrs. S. (eagerly to Hinxman) Sir, is there 
 any necessity for me and my servants to remain one 
 moment longer in Steepleton? 
 
 HiNX. Well, I must prove your marriage, ma'am, 
 either by your word or a copy of your marriage certi- 
 ficate. 
 
 Mrs. S. My marriage certificate! 
 
 HiNX. Yes, ma'am 
 
 Mrs. S. (pointing to hand-hag on sofa) Please 
 to pass me my bag. 
 
 HiNX. Yes, ma'am, certainly. 
 
 (HiNX. picks up hag, and is ahout to pass it to Mrs. 
 3mith, when Joliffe snatches it from him,) 
 
IN CHANCERY. 45 
 
 JoL. ni pass my wife's bag. (looJcing at hag — 
 a pretty little satchel) Doubtless a little present 
 from me. 
 
 (John comes in between Mrs. Smith and Joliffe 
 and snatches the hag from Joliffe.) 
 
 John {handing hag to Mrs. Smith) FU pass 
 the bag! 
 
 JoL. (to John — turning him round) Vve given 
 you your month, I've given you your month. 
 
 (Joliffe and John go up stage, one on each side 
 of the tahle, gesticulating and talking violently.) 
 
 Mrs. S. {takes certificate out of hag and handing 
 in to HiNXMAN quickly) There you are; now may 
 I go? 
 
 HiNX. Certainly, ma'am, {returns certificate) 
 Mrs. S. Come, John, we will return to the sta- 
 tion at once. 
 
 (John comes r. c, Joliffe l. c.) 
 
 JoL. Mellina, you're a heartless creature ! After 
 the risk I've run in marrying you. Is this loving, 
 honouring and obeying ? You ought to cleave to me. 
 
 John {doubling his fists) I should like to cleave 
 to you ! 
 
 JoL. {to John) You've got your month. 
 
 Mrs. S. Cleave to you! when in the most cold- 
 blooded way, you forget a young wife and ensnare 
 the affections of some guileless little girl ! 
 
 JoL. Little girl, is she? You should just see 
 her! 
 
 Mrs. S. {very indignantly) Monster ! I trust we 
 shall never meet again! {aside to John) You are 
 saved, dear ! 
 
 (John and Mrs. S. move to door r. as Walker 
 enters.) 
 
 .Walker. Luncheon is laid in the parlour, ma'am. 
 
46 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 Mrs. S. We shall not require it. We are leaving 
 the hotel at once. 
 
 Walk. Good gracious! What has happened! 
 John (to Walker) Hush, don't say anything. 
 JoL. Mellina, Mellina. 
 Mrs. S. (imperiously) Infamous man! 
 
 (Mrs. Smith goes out, followed hy John and 
 Walker.) 
 
 JoL. Mellina, leave your address, leave our ad- 
 dress, {about to follow them, when he is pulled hack 
 
 hy HiNXMAN. — HiNX R. C. — JOLIFFE L. C.) 
 
 HiNX. Come, come, old fellow, don't be knocked 
 over. A year or two in prison won't hurt an old 
 dog like you. (Joliffe turns on him) As you say, 
 time does fly. 
 
 JoL. Knocked over! How would you like to be 
 torn from a young wife — the one woman in the world 
 who shares your inmost thoughts, the one woman in 
 the world whose heart beats to yours, the one woman 
 in the world who knows where you live? 
 
 (HiNXMAN helps himself to a glass of whiskey. — 
 JoLiFFE looking out of window.) 
 
 There they go, my wife and John, {excitedly) I 
 don't like the look of that man servant. He's help- 
 ing my wife over a puddle. I don't like it ! 
 
 HiNX. {drinking) Now, then, are you ready to 
 make a complimentary call on the nearest J. P.? 
 
 JoL. What do you mean? J. P. — Jolly Pub- 
 lican ? 
 
 HiNX. No, justice of the peace. 
 
 JoL. No, sir. I'm not ready. If I get two 
 years, how shall I know that John leaves at the end 
 of the month? 
 
 HiNX. {growing impatient) Oh, I don't know! 
 Now come along quietly. 
 
 JoL. Oh, what a dreadful scene there will be 
 downstairs between my best man and old McCaf- 
 lertj. 
 
IN CHANCERY. 47 
 
 HiNX. Well, say we're just a-going to set out to 
 the church, you see — Fm your best friend; now are 
 you ready? 
 
 JoL. {sulking into chair L. of table) Oh, my 
 head's come on so bad again 
 
 HiNx. Has it — ? {looking at table, sees cham- 
 pagne, takes it uv) Here, have a drop of this. 
 
 JoL. Don't, Mr. Hinxman; think of McCafferty. 
 
 HiNX. {opening bottle) We will think of McCaf- 
 ferty, we'll drink his health. {He fills two glasses, 
 gives one to Joliffe and takes the other himself.) 
 
 HiNX. {draining his glass at a gulp) Here's a 
 husband to Miss McCafferty. 
 
 JoL. Poor Patricia, she won't think at all highly 
 of me. What a blow ! what a blow ! 
 
 HiNX. {refilling his glass) Well, she wouldn't 
 have liked to marry a married man, now would she ? 
 {draining glass) 
 
 JoL. {sipping his wine) I don't know. Patricia 
 is a large minded woman ! L rge minded and large 
 hearted, great woman altogether! 
 
 HiNX. {pouring himself out another glass) Little 
 too dry, this wine — must try another, {begins open- 
 ing another bottle) 
 
 JoL. McCafferty will kill those best men. I do 
 wish Patricia could have seen Mellina. Mellina 
 proves what perfect taste I've got. Patricia ought 
 to esteem it a compliment, my proposing to her when 
 I possess such a beautiful girl as Mellina. 
 
 HiNX. {having opened the bottle, fills his glass 
 and drinks) That's better, that's sweeter, {replen^ 
 ishes glass ad lib.) 
 
 JoL. {to himself) Titus is a humbug. I didn't 
 recognize Mellina at all. He said the sight of a 
 familiar face, or sound of a familiar voice would 
 bring my memory back suddenly, and then 
 
 HiNX. {swaying about with bottle and glass in 
 hand) Look after yourself, old boy! 
 
 JoL. {aside) That's familiar enough, at any rate. 
 
48 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 HiNX. (swaying a little, with fixed looTc, slowly 
 and to himself) They may say what they like, but 
 there's no society so iostructive or so entertaining as 
 the criminal classes, {pointing bottle at Joliffe) 
 
 JoL. {indignantly) Criminal classes! I believe 
 he's getting intoxicated. 
 
 (HiNX. sinlcs lack into chair R. of table.) 
 
 Getting — ^he's got. 
 
 HiNX. {muttering to himself in a dreamy 
 drunken manner) I wish we could have forty winks 
 before we start. 
 
 JoL. {excitedly) If I could only give him the slip 
 and make my escape. {he takes decanter and 
 sniffs it) Whiskey, Irish. Have another drain, Mr. 
 Hinxman ? 
 
 (Joliffe pours champagne and whiskey into HiNX- 
 man's glass.) 
 
 HiNX. Thanks, ol' f'ler. {drinks and coughs, 
 smacking his lips) Thash better, there's more body 
 in that. 
 
 (Joliffe refills Hinxman's glass. Hinxman 
 
 drinks again.) 
 
 JoL. More body^ more head. Drink it up, Mr. 
 Hinxman. 
 
 (Hinxman drinks it up, rising unsteadily.) 
 
 HiNX. I'm going, I'm going, I'm not going to 
 washte my time any longer. Time'sh money, I'm 
 
 going, {falls back into chair) I'm going {drops 
 
 his head gradually on table) going, going, {falls 
 
 fast asleep) 
 
 JoL. Gone! ISTow for it! {looking out of win- 
 dow) There they are still, my wife and John; I'll 
 soon put a stop to that, {goes to door e.) No, I 
 daren't go that way. My best man and McCafferty 
 are below. I have it — my bedroom is above this, 
 and my portmanteau is there ready packed for the 
 
IN CHANCERY. 49 
 
 honeymoon. I'll lower it out of the window and 
 myself after it. {proudly) I shall return to Mellina 
 with everything brand new. {feeling in his pocket) 
 Half a sovereign given me by MeCafferty with strict 
 injunction not to change it. What a position — 
 £200 on my head, and nothing in my pocket. 
 
 {He is going to door l., when Patricia enters, fol- 
 lowed hy Miss Buzzard.) 
 
 Pat. Oh, Montague, why haven't you set off for 
 the church? The time's come, dear; you'll be late 
 for me. 
 
 JoL. I was just going to give a finishing touch 
 to my hair. 
 
 {The door R. opens, and McCafferty enters, foU 
 loived hy Titus, Gawge and Buzzard, and they 
 are all carrying their hats and gloves. Joliffe 
 goes down R.) 
 
 JoL. {aside) Surrounded, surrounded. 
 Mr. G. ) 
 
 Titus. >• There he is. Captain, there he is. 
 Mr. B. ) 
 
 {They all form up in front of where Hinxman" is 
 sitting, to cover him. Hinxman falls under 
 table.) 
 
 McC. What d'ye mean by skulking about here, 
 when it's time to be off? 
 
 JoL. I was just thinking about being off, upon my 
 soul I was. 
 
 (McCafferty pointing to Pat., who is sitting l. c. 
 with Miss Buzzard.) 
 
 McC. There's a dazzlin' sight for any man on 
 his weddin' mornin', wid the colour of her hair just 
 breaking thro' her veil, for all the world like the 
 sun under a cloud. 
 
50 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 {The men turn to Pat., with a polite murmur of 
 admiration, while Joliffe, unperceived, goes hast- 
 ily to door R., locks it and slips the hey in his 
 pocJcet.) 
 
 Mr. G. ) Charming picture! 
 
 Titus. >(loolcing at Pat.) Beautiful! 
 
 Mr. B. ) Quite a vision! 
 
 JoL. (aside) Locked, they can't follow me. 
 
 McC. (turning to Jol.) And what have you got 
 to say to her? 
 
 Jol. (down r.) Oh, I'm not worthy of your daugh- 
 ter. She's too beautiful, too good 
 
 McC. Very well, then. Get your hat and gloves 
 and come with me. 
 
 Jol. My hat and gloves — they're upstairs, (cross- 
 ing rapidly to L.) I'll fetch 'em! I'll fetch 'em! 
 I'll fetch 'em! (aside) Free! Free! 
 
 (He goes out door l. ; he closes the door sharply, 
 and is heard to turn the hey in the loch outside.) 
 
 McC. What's that! What the devil are you 
 lockin' the door for? (going to it and rattling the 
 handle) Open it, d'ye hear me! 
 
 Titus, (going to door R., tries it) Why, this is 
 locked, too. 
 
 McC. (crossing to L. c.) That locked, too; then 
 there's some treason going on. 
 
 HiNX. (who is under the talle, is heard mutter- 
 ing) What's this? Where am I? 
 
 McC. (suddenly) Hark! 
 
 HiNX. W — Where's Joliffe, £200 reward ! Where's 
 Joliffe? 
 
 (McCafferty lifts up the table-cloth; Hinxman" 
 is discovered.) 
 
 McC. Mr. Simpson! 
 
 HiNX. (rises unsteadily) No, no, my name's Hinx- 
 man. I'm a detective. I'm after Montague Joliffe, 
 he's wanted. 
 
IN CHANCERY. 61 
 
 The Men. Wanted? 
 
 Pat. Wanted — I should think he was; I want 
 him. 
 
 HiNX. (trying to collect Jiis thoughts) On two 
 charges. Running away with a ward in chancery. 
 
 The Men. What? 
 
 HiNX. Second — conspiring to commit a bigamous 
 marriage with (sees Pat.) this lady, his wife being 
 alive. 
 
 All. Oh ! 
 
 HiNX. He's given me the slip — where is he? 
 
 (HiNXMAN makes a rush down R., is stopped hy 
 Titus.) 
 
 McC. We can't get out; we're on the first floor, 
 and he's locked us in. 
 
 (A lenoch is heard outside.) 
 
 All. Hark ! 
 
 JoL. (outside) Gentlemen, gentlemen, can you 
 hear me ? 
 
 (There is a cry of rage from everybody . Pat. and 
 Miss Buzzard cross quickly to r. ; all the charac- 
 ters form an oblique line from R. to door L., he- 
 g timing with Miss Buzzard down right, next 
 Titus, Pat., Gawge, Buzzard, Hinxman finish' 
 ing up with McCafferty.) 
 
 JoL. Gentlemen, I am sorry that some unex- 
 pected complications in my domestic arrangements 
 will prevent my fulfilling my contract with Miss 
 McCafferty. 
 
 Pat. Oh! 
 
 McC. Scorpion ! 
 
 The Men. (A cry of rage,) 
 
 JoL. I am terminating my connection with the 
 town of Steepleton, taking with me my marriage 
 outfit, for which I will repay the Captain at the 
 earliest opportunity. 
 
62 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 McC. Oh, oh! the scorpion! The trousseau I 
 gave him. 
 
 All. Be calm, Captain, be calm. 
 
 JoL. Captain McCafferty, be calm. I am now 
 on my way to catch a train, but I will hand the keys 
 of this room to the station master before I start ; he 
 will release you. Patricia, farewell. Captain Mc- 
 Cafferty and gentlemen, farewell. 
 
 (Music. The line of characters hreaJcs up. McC. 
 throws up his arms. Hinxman goes to door L. 
 and tries to open it.) 
 
 McC. The villian! The villian! Fll be the 
 end of him. 
 
 Pat. (rushing to McCafferty) The shock will 
 kill my pa. 
 
 £B^-}Beca,.! 
 
 McC. The scoundrel can't get out of this side 
 of the house. We'll break the door down. Come on ! 
 
 Titus. Captain McCafferty, think of the bullet. 
 
 McC. Bullet be damned, it's good for me. Come 
 on! 
 
 Pat. (falling hach r. c.) Oh, pa, look! 
 
 (They all turn. Outside the window, a knotted sheet 
 with large new portmanteau attached, is seen to 
 descend.) 
 
 McC. Begorra! The trousseau I gave him. 
 
 (The portmanteau disappears; then Joliffe is seen 
 lowering himself. Patricia sinks on her Tcnees 
 in the centre of the stage, McCafferty, Gawge 
 and Buzzard, and Hinxman with cries of execra- 
 tion. The Music swells as the 
 
 cuktain falls. 
 
IN CHANCERY. 53 
 
 ACT III. 
 
 HOME, SWEET HOME. 
 
 Scene: — Room comfortably furnished in lodging 
 house fashion, c. at hack a fireplace, at hack l. 
 a door. Down stage l. a window practicable. Down 
 stage R. a door. r. c. a couch, behind couch a 
 small table, on which stands a terra cotta bust; 
 up stage R., set across the corner of the room, a 
 piano and music stool {piano open) behind piano 
 out of sight, a stool or chair {for business). Be- 
 fore fireplace an arm-chair On mantel-piece 
 framed photograph of actor playing Joliffe. A 
 quantity of letters stuck in chimney glass. Down 
 stage l, c. table and two chairs. Good lamp 
 lighted. Landscape picture hung on wall R., other 
 pictures, furniture, ornaments, etc., etc., to fill 
 spaces. Night-time, blue gas row {or lime) out' 
 side window. 
 
 Music at rise of curtain — ''Home, Sweet Home/' 
 Kittles^ a servant-girl, is discovered placing a 
 lighted lamp on table l. c. 
 
 Kit. Where's missus, I wonder ; in her own room 
 a-mournin' over the dear departed, I s'pose. {looking 
 towards window) Hallo ! that won't do, our bilFs got 
 topsy turvey. {goes to window and turns bill) Apart- 
 ments for ladies and gentlemen upside down — that 
 ain't the way to fill our establishment. 
 
 (Mrs. Jackson" enters r.; she is a comely woman 
 in widow's weeds.) 
 
 Mrs. J. What are you doing. Kittles? 
 Kit. {showing bill) Apartments for ladies and 
 gentlemen upside down. 
 Mrs. J. What? 
 Kit. Our bilFs got topsy turvey. 
 
54 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 Mrs. J. Oh! (Kit re-adjusts hill.) It doesn'^ 
 matter much; I shall never let my rooms in this 
 dead and alive place. 
 
 Kit. (coming l. c.) Excuse me, m'um, but I don't 
 think as how you goes h'out and about enough. You 
 ain't been to Eosherville Gardens not once since 
 h'lve been with you. Gravesend is the gayest place 
 I've ever lived in! 
 
 Mrs. J. Have you ever been out of it. Kittles ? 
 
 Kit. (proudly) No, mum, never; I was born and 
 hedicated here. 
 
 Mrs. J. It will drive me mad. (comes to couch 
 and sits) You know, Kittles, I lost my husband some 
 two months ago. 
 
 Kit. Yes, m'um, I've 'card you mention it. 
 
 Mrs. J. My income being very small, I was 
 obliged to look round for some means to add to it; 
 this house was advertised as being splendidly adapted 
 for the letting of apartments, and the landlord de- 
 scribed it as Brighton-on-Thames. I brought my 
 furniture from London three weeks ago, and here I 
 am. The house is splendidly adapted for the letting 
 of apartments, which nobody seems to take. I sup- 
 pose the best visitors sleep in the open air. 
 
 Kit. Oh, do cheer up, m'um; when the people 
 do come, they'll come in shoals, like the shrimps, 
 and then you'll be able to catch 'em alive and boil 
 'em. 
 
 Mrs. J. Go away. Kittles, you're vulgar. 
 
 Kit. Yes, m'um. (going to door l. and turning) 
 Oh, m'um, excuse me m'um, but I only wish as 's)W 
 I was a widder! 
 
 Mrs. J. Good gracious ! why ? 
 
 Kit. 'Cos it seems so much more easy to get a^ 
 husband when you're a widow. 
 
 (Mrs. Jackson rises. Kit. coming down to 
 
 window.) 
 
 Kit. Hark, m'um! There! Blessed if there 
 
IN CHANCERY. 55 
 
 ain't a fly with some luggage in at our door, three 
 people inside and one out. 
 
 Mrs. J. They can't be coming to this house. 
 
 Kit. {opening windows) Oh, can't they, tho'? 
 There's a gentleman getting off the box. 
 
 Mrs. J. {in a hurry) Show them in here while I 
 run and make myself neat. Be quick. Kittles. 
 
 Kit. {excitedly) Yes, m'um, I told you so, m'um, 
 I told you so; the shrimps is come, the shrimps is 
 come, {bustles off door l.) 
 
 Mrs. J. {looking in chimney glass) I suppose 
 they'll only ask the rent and drive away. But I 
 think I'd better go and curl my fringe in case ! 
 
 (Mrs. Jackson runs out door r., a murmur of female 
 voices is heard off L., then Kittles enters.) 
 
 Kit. This way, m'um, this way, m'um, if you 
 please, {aside) Oh, crikey, what swells! 
 
 (Kittles r. of door comes down l. Mrs. Smith 
 enters, followed hy Walker and John. Walker 
 carries her mistresses plush hag, John has the 
 wraps and a hag or two.) 
 
 Mrs. S. Oh, how weary I am. 
 
 Walk. Do sit down, ma'am, there, there's a dear. 
 
 (Walker places Mrs. Smith upon couch r. c. 
 then takes smelling salts from hag and holds them 
 to her nose.) 
 
 Mrs. S. Thank you. Walker, {looking round) 
 This is melancholy enough, {aside to Walker) but 
 it's better than another dreadful hotel, {she leans 
 hack wearily and closes her eyes) 
 
 John {to Kittles) Haw, you let apartments 
 here, don't you? {crossing his leg and leaning on 
 tahle) 
 
 Kit. (l. looking him up and down and imitating 
 him) Yaas. {aside) Crikey, here's a tip top valet I 
 
66 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 JoHisr {looTcing round) This is the sitting room, 
 I suppose? 
 
 Kit. Sitting room for the master and the missus, 
 standing room for the domestics. 
 
 John {looTcing at her with disgust) What other 
 rooms are there? 
 
 Kit. Well, I lives in the kitchen. 
 
 John. I don't want to know where. 
 
 Kit. Thought you might like to pay me a visit, 
 Tummas. 
 
 John. Girl ! 
 
 Walk, (to Kittles) You mustn't speak to Mr. — 
 to John in that way. 
 
 Kit. Oh, I begs parding, I'm sure; I wasn't 
 aware as 'ow you monopolized of him; he won't 
 break, I s'pose? 
 
 (She digs John in the ribs. Walker and John 
 move away to K. c. indignantly as Joliefe is heard 
 without.) 
 
 Jol. (outside L.) John! John! 
 
 Kit. (aside down l.) Here's the master, I s'pect. 
 
 (Joliffe enters; he wears white hat and one hrown 
 and one white hid glove.) 
 
 Jol. Mellina, I am ignored. (51^5 l. c.) I don't 
 know whether it's with your sanction and approval, 
 but I'm ignored! 
 
 John, (aside to Mellina) Mellina, when are we 
 to shake off this lunatic ? 
 
 Mrs. S. (to John) Have patience, Montague, he's 
 our safeguard. If the detective is on our track 
 again, we still have the wrong man ready for him 
 instead of the right one. 
 
 (Joliffe taTces off his hat and is ahout to put it on 
 the table when he catches sight of Kittles^ who 
 is laughing and covering her mouth with her 
 apron.) 
 
IN CHANCERY. 57 
 
 JoL. {drawing his hat hach and loohing at Kit- 
 tles) What's the matter? What's the matter? 
 
 (Kittles pulls herself tog ether ^ then laughs again.) 
 
 JoL. The attendance in these apartments is most 
 unsatisfactory, (holding out his hat to John) John! 
 {no notice is taken) John, my hat. 
 
 (John loohs at him savagely, then turns away 
 again.) 
 
 JoL. John, you can take — oh, {checJcing him- 
 self) Oh, yes, I did give you your month this morn- 
 ing. {He puts his hat under the chair, then sneezes.) 
 Mellina, I don't wish you to reproach yourself, 
 but my cold arises from your having requested me to 
 ride on the box seat, {taking his gloves off, sees that 
 they are odd) This comes of leaving one's hotel in a 
 hurry. 
 
 (Kittles goes to door l.) 
 
 Mrs. S. What is the name of the girl here? 
 
 Kit. {crossing to c.) Kittles, m'um! 
 
 Mrs. S. Kittles, tell your mistress I am waiting 
 to see the apartments. 
 
 Kit. Yes. m'um, I fancy missus is a-puffin' of 
 her face. 
 
 (Kittles crosses to door r., then looJcs round and 
 laughs at Joliffe loudly.) 
 
 JoL. Here, hi, you, what's your name. Kittles ? 
 Kit. Yes, sir? 
 
 JoL. My compliments to your mistress, and I 
 request that she gives you your month. 
 Kit. Oh, go along, {bounces off door R.) 
 
 (Joliffe rises and loohs about the room enquir- 
 ingly.) 
 
 JoL. {glancing out of window) John, it has doubt- 
 less escaped your memory that my portmanteau, my 
 
58 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 new portmanteau, still remains on the top of the 
 cab in the night air. 
 
 John, (advancing) Well ! 
 
 JoL. Well, fetch it. 
 
 John, (biting his lips) I shall not. 
 
 Mrs. S. (rising) John! 
 
 JoL. You would see me do that myself? 
 
 John. Y^es. 
 
 JoL. You would see me lug that weighty port- 
 manteau off that cab, up those steps, into this house ? 
 
 John, (fiercely) Y^es, I would! 
 
 JoL. (mildly) If you watch thro' that window 
 you will do so. 
 
 (He goes out door l. John sits l. c. with a sigh of 
 disgust.) 
 
 Mrs. S. Walker, look the other way and don't 
 listen, (runs over to John^ kneels at his feet, and 
 Icisses him) My poor vexed Montague, (kissing him. 
 Walker sits up stage in arm-chair.) 
 
 Wal. Now they're going to spoon. Spoon — they 
 don't spoon, they positively ladle. 
 
 John. Mellina, this fellow is intolerable, (kicks 
 against Joliffe's hat) What's this? Why, if it 
 isn't that infernal fellow's hat; out it goes. 
 
 (Picks it up hetween his thumb and fingers and 
 flings it out of the open window.) 
 
 I say that fellow is intolerable ! Ever since he 
 jumped wildly into our carriage just as the train 
 was leaving Steepleton, we have never been alone for 
 one moment. What plan have you got in your little 
 head now? Wliy have we come here? 
 
 Mrs. S. Whv, listen, you foolish fellow. Y^ou 
 know I have an uncle at Colombo? 
 
 John. Well, that isn't here. 
 
 Mrs. S. No, but the P. and 0. boat, the " Siam," 
 starts from this place for Colombo on Wednesday 
 
IN CHANCERY. 59 
 
 at noon, and I propose that we take refuge with my 
 uncle till our chancery affair has blown over. 
 
 John. Colombo, that's a long way from the 
 Club, Mellina. 
 
 Mrs. S. Yes, and from Holloway, too. (rising) 
 
 John, (rising) But I don't see why we should 
 be bothered with this mendacious scoundrel. 
 
 Mrs. S. I've told you. The man is under the 
 strange hallucination that he is Mr. Montague Jol- 
 liffe and my husband. 
 
 John. Confound him. 
 
 Mrs. S. On Wednesday we give him the slip and 
 start for Colombo, but if in the meantime Mr. Hinx- 
 man follows us here, this unfortunate person is 
 locked up, and you escape. 
 
 John. Yes, I see that. 
 
 Mrs. S. I'm very sorry for him, but we're two 
 and he's only one, and the minority must always 
 suffer for the majority. Hush ! 
 
 ( JoLiFFE enters door l., struggling under the weight 
 of his portmanteau, and ivith his white hat much 
 crushed on his head. Walker rises. Joliffe 
 deposits portmanteau up stage l. c.^ then comes 
 down and looks under the chair l. c.) 
 
 JoL. (talcing off his hat) It was my hat I found 
 on the railings. (He replaces hat under chair, and 
 sits as Kittles enters door R.) 
 
 Kit. Missus is tidy, m'um. Will you please to 
 step this way? 
 
 Mrs. S. Thank you. John, bring the luggage. 
 
 (Kittles goes out, followed by Mrs. Smith and 
 Walker. Walker, as she goes out, looks ut 
 Joliffe and hursts into laughter.) 
 
 Jol. Hi ! you ! Thingamy ! what's your name ? 
 
 Walk. Walker ! 
 
 Jol. No repartee, if you please. 
 
 Walk, Luct/ Adelaide Walker, 
 
60 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 JoL. Oh, I beg pardon, then Lucy Adelaide 
 Walker from to-night (looJcing at watch) at 9.30, 
 you will take a month. 
 
 Walk. Ho ! 
 
 (She flounces out; John has gathered up the wraps, 
 which he has previously deposited hy the piano, 
 and is going out whistling.) 
 
 JoL. (rising) John! Unstrap my portmanteau 
 and take out my slippers. John ! 
 
 (John pauses at door, turning fiercely.) 
 
 John, you can leave my portmanteau alone; don't 
 touch it. 
 
 (John goes out contemptuously.) 
 
 JoL. (triumphantly) That's the first time I ever 
 knew that fellow obey my instructions. 
 
 (Soft music as in first act. JoL. holes round.) 
 
 I don't know what Mellina's arrangements are, but 
 I think I shall be very comfortable. I'm beginning 
 to get a little tired of Mellina's airs and graces. I 
 wish I could remember what induced me to marry 
 such a disagreeable girl as Mellina. (sits on couch 
 K. c.) Oh, the events of this day no diary that was 
 
 ever kept has a page large enough to chron (His 
 
 eye rests on the little bust on table R. c. ; he starts, 
 falters and moves uneasily and takes bust in his 
 hand.) I knovr that bust. I've seen that bust before, 
 often and often — before I forgot how to remember. 
 
 Titus said that all of a sudden (He replaces the 
 
 bust quickly and edges atuay from it L. c.) My 
 head's come on so bad again. That bust has started 
 it. Beastly bust. (He sits l. c.) What I was re- 
 flecting upon was, that it would take a very large 
 
 diary to — to (His gaze becomes rivetted on the 
 
 lamp on table L. c. ; he moves uneasily.) I've seen 
 that lamp before; the pattern on that lamp is quite 
 familiar. (He starts up and edges away to c, he 
 
IN CHANCERY. 61 
 
 wipes his forehead nervously.) Titus never said I 
 should have these sensations ! This isn't the sight of 
 somebody's ugly face, or the melody of a miserable 
 
 comic song, or the — or (catches sight of little 
 
 landscape on wall R.) I've seen that picture before! 
 I painted that picture when I was a little boy at Dr. 
 Brown's school in Chelsea. (He goes round the room 
 quickly identifying the various objects.) I know 
 that — and that — and that; I (he sees a framed photo 
 upon the mantel-piece) I know that man. (snatching 
 the photo) I've seen that man before. This is the 
 ugly face Dr. Titus spoke about. (Runs down L. c. 
 to get the light of the lamp.) No, it isn't, it's my 
 portrait. What's the meaning of this ? What is my 
 portrait doing here? (He is at the mantel-piece 
 again; he sees the letters stuclc in the chimney glass, 
 he snatches some of them down, and stares at them 
 wildly, reading the addresses.) Mr. Jackson! Mr. 
 Marmaduke Jackson ! Marmaduke Jackson, Esq. ! 
 Jackson, Jackson, that's my name — my name's Jack- 
 son, these letters are for me. (Opens letters vio- 
 lently, throwing them aside, as he sees their con- 
 tents.) Income Tax — Titus was right, Titus was 
 right. Boot-maker — tailor, my tailor's bill. (He 
 hisses the hill wildly as Mrs. Jackson is heard with- 
 out.) 
 
 Mrs. J. (outside) I'm sure you'll be pleased, sure 
 you'll be pleased. 
 
 JoL. (starting and listening) 1 know that voice, 
 I know that voice. 
 
 (Mrs. Jacksok" enters k.) 
 
 JoL. That's my wife ! 
 
 Mrs. J. (with a scream) Marmaduke! Come 
 back! 
 
 JoL. Emily ! 
 Mrs. J. Marmy! 
 
 (They rush into each other's arms. Music ceases.) 
 
 Mrs. J. Oh, Marmaduke, where have you been? 
 I thought I was a widow, (wiping her eyes.) 
 
62 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 JoL. And I thouglit I was — well, I don't know 
 what I thought I was. But I'll tell you all about 
 myself in a minute, (rapidly) So you've moved from 
 Brixton, Emily ! 
 
 Mrs. J. (delighted) Yes, dear; your employers 
 were very good to me. 
 
 JoL. My employers, Grigs and Barber, candle 
 makers, I'm their traveller, bless 'em. (with a start) 
 Emily! Emily! how's little Freddy? 
 
 Mrs. J. Beautiful ! he's in hed. Marmaduke, 
 how have you got on for undervests? 
 
 JoL. Lovely, don't wear ^em. How's Aunt Ma- 
 tilda? 
 
 Mrs. J. Glorious. 
 
 JoL. Oh, Emily, Emily! 
 
 Mrs. J. Oh, Marmy! 
 
 (They sit together on couch R. c, he leans his head 
 on her shoulder.) 
 
 JoL. Oh, I'm so glad to get home. 
 
 Mrs. J. (drying her eyes and putting her hand- 
 leer chief away) And now, Marmaduke, I shall be 
 obliged to you, if you will give me some account of 
 your proceedings. 
 
 JoL. (clearing his throat) Hem ! Certainly, my 
 dear. 
 
 Mrs. J. I am delighted to see my husband again, 
 of course, if that husband is an honourable, decent, 
 respectable person. You remember what I am, Mar- 
 maduke, an affectionate but jealous, determined 
 woman. I'm not to be trifled with, (clenching her 
 fists) and if I find that you've been up to any — ^but 
 I — anticipate — anticipate. 
 
 JoL. (dampened) Yes, Emily, you do. 
 
 Mrs. J. (firmly) Now you left me about two 
 months ago 
 
 JoL. To go to Dilchester with my samples, (sud- 
 denly) I wonder what became of those samples? 
 
 Mrs. J. Never mind the samples; go on. 
 
IN CHANCERY. 63 
 
 JoL. At Steepleton Junction there was a railway 
 collision; I was the only victim. 
 
 Mrs. J. Oh ! 
 
 JoL. I was carried to the hotel near at hand, 
 and — (suddenly) How's Uncle Eobert? 
 
 Mrs. J. Never mind; Uncle Eobert will keep. 
 
 JoL. (injured) I should hope so, Emily; I say 
 I was carried to the hotel near at hand, and I sup- 
 pose in the confusion another man's overcoat and 
 another man's card-case were carried with me. 
 
 Mrs. J. Well, what of that ? 
 
 JoL. I'm telling you, Emily, I'm telling you. 
 Now comes the strange part of my story; when I 
 recovered, I recovered everything but my memory. 
 
 Mrs. J. What? 
 
 JoL. I had not the slightest recollection of the 
 past, you, little Freddy, Grigs and Barber, Aunt 
 Matilda and Uncle Eobert — everything and every- 
 body had gone from my memory. In fact, I was 
 compelled to embark in an entirely fresh career. 
 
 Mrs. J. (quicklv) Just as if you were a single, 
 unencumbered man? 
 
 JoL. (leaning hach, heamingly) Yes 
 
 Mrs. J. (starting up, clenching her hands) Mar- 
 maduke ! 
 
 JoL. (rising) My dear! 
 
 Mrs. J. (in an awful voice) Tell that to the 
 Marines ! 
 
 JoL. (aghast) Emily! 
 
 Mrs. J. Tell that to the Marines! 
 
 JoL. I have once to-day expressed my willingness 
 to do so. 
 
 Mrs. J. (following him) Bosh! 
 
 JoL. (horrified) Emily, you don't mean to say 
 you doubt my 
 
 Mrs. J. 1 don't believe a syllable of it. 
 
 JoL. But I 
 
 Mrs. J. (struck with a sudden thought) Ah, you 
 
64 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 didn't know when you came here that I was the pro- 
 prietress of this house? 
 
 JoL. Of course I didn't. 
 
 Mrs. J. Of course you didn't — Mr. Jackson, who 
 is the lady you have brought to reside in these apart- 
 ments ? 
 
 JoL. {wiping the perspiration from his Irow) 
 The young lady? 
 
 Mrs. J. The young lady with the two servants. 
 
 JoL. Oh, the young lady with the two servants. 
 
 Mrs. J. Who is she? 
 
 JoL. Yes, who is she? 
 
 Mrs. J. What is she? 
 
 JoL. What is she ? Yes, the young lady with the 
 two servants, {attempting to change the subject) 
 You're not keeping anything concerning Uncle Rob- 
 ert from me, are you, Emily? 
 
 Mrs. J. {stamping her foot) How does that 
 woman come here? 
 
 JoL. I'm telling you, Emily, I'm telling you; 
 she was coming in as I was coming in. We were 
 both coming in together; I didn't even notice the 
 young lady was a woman — I mean — er — I don't 
 know. 
 
 Mrs. J. She told me I should find her husband 
 in this room. Where is he? 
 
 (JoLiFFE staggers against the chair.) 
 
 JoL. Her husband! 
 
 Mrs. J. Her husband ! Where is he ? 
 
 (JOLIFFE loolcs round uneasily.) 
 
 JoL. I don't see him for the moment, don't see 
 him for the moment. 
 
 (Mrs. Smith is heard without r.) 
 
 Mrs. S. {outside) Unpack my bag. Walker. 
 Mrs. J. Here she is, I'll ask her. 
 
IN CHANCERY. 65 
 
 JoL. (in agony) I shouldn't — family matters — 
 family matters ! 
 
 Mrs. Jacksox goes to door r. and throws it open. 
 JoLiFFE darts to L. c. for his hat. Mrs. Jackson 
 returns to him quicMy, and taJces him by the 
 collar.) 
 
 Mrs. J. Where are you going? 
 
 JoL. Can't make out what became of those sam- 
 ples, going to enquire ! 
 
 Mrs. J. You'll remain here, while I put a few 
 questions to the lady who happened to be coming in 
 just as you were coming in here. (She drags him 
 up stage, and pushes him behind the piano, his 
 head appearing over top.) 
 
 JoL. Emily ! 
 
 Mrs. J. If you attempt to stir or utter a sound, 
 I'll 
 
 JoL. Let me explain. 
 
 Mrs. J. Hush, here she comes. 
 
 (Mrs. Jackson pushes the arm-chair against the 
 end of piano, so that he cannot make his escape, 
 and comes down c. as Mrs. Smith enters door r.) 
 
 Mrs. S. I've no doubt I shall be very comfort- 
 able thank you, Mrs. Jackson, (crosses and sits R. of 
 L. table) 
 
 Mrs. J. I'm sure I hope so. 
 
 Mrs. S. (sitting l. c.) And I don't think I need 
 trouble you to remain. 
 
 Mrs. J. (sitting r. c.) It's no trouble, I assure 
 you. 
 
 Mrs. S. (aside) A talkative landlady. 
 
 Mrs. J. You will excuse me, but I understood 
 you say I should find your husband in this room? 
 
 Mrs. S. I certainly left him here a few minutes 
 ago; he must have gone out. 
 
 Mrs. J. Gone out? 
 
66 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 (JoLiFFE tries to attract Mrs. Jackson^'s attention. 
 Mrs. J. motions him to he quiet.) 
 
 Mrs. J. You seem to be a very young wife. May 
 I ask how long you've been married? 
 
 Mrs. S. (impatiently) Oh^ I was married about 
 two months ago. 
 
 Mrs. J. (starts up) Oh, Heavens! The very 
 time he left me ! 
 
 (Mrs. J. waves her hand to him to hide himself.) 
 
 Mrs. J. (reseating herself, to Mrs. S.) You are 
 quite contented and happy^ I hope? 
 
 Mrs. S. Fairly so ! When you see my husband 
 you will guess from his appearance and manners that 
 I have married much beneath me. 
 
 (JoLiFFE rises and glares fiercely at Mrs. Smith.)' 
 
 Mrs. J. Attracted for the moment, I suppose, by 
 some fascinating, showy young gentleman? 
 
 Mrs. S. Hardly so. 
 
 Mrs, J. Is he fair or dark? 
 
 Mrs. S. Fair. 
 
 Mrs. J. With a small scar on the lobe of the 
 left ear? 
 
 Mrs. S. Really, I have never noticed. 
 
 Mrs. J. Never noticed ? Madame, perhaps I can 
 show it to you. 
 
 (JoLiFFE in desperation is attempting to get over 
 the top of the piatio; in doing so he slips and falls 
 on the Iceyhoard; both ladies turn, Mrs. Smith 
 rises; Mrs. Jackson turns to Joliffe and points 
 to him.) 
 
 Is that the gentleman? 
 Mrs. S. That is the person. 
 
 (Mrs. Jackson runs to Joliffe aiid brings him 
 doivn.) 
 
 Mrs. J. Madame, this man is my husband. 
 
IN CHANCERY. 67 
 
 Mrs. S. Your husband, no ! {to Joliffe) What 
 is your name? 
 
 JoL. J — J — Jackson. 
 
 Mrs. S. It wasn't Jackson this morning, (crosses 
 to R.) 
 
 JoL. Mellina, don't rake up the past ; we're both 
 older and wiser since the morning ! Time does fly ! 
 
 (The door l. opens suddenly and Hinxman enters.) 
 
 HiNX. {Ireatlilesshj) Hallo! {coming down L.) 
 Caught you again, have I? 
 
 Mrs. J. Who are you? 
 
 JoL. Hinxman ! 
 
 Mrs. S. The detective! 
 
 HiNX. A nice job you gave me, but we took the 
 next train tho', all of us. 
 
 JoL. {recoils) All of you! How many? 
 
 HiNX. {mopping his head) Captain McCafferty! 
 
 JoL. {faintly) Oh ! 
 
 HiNX. Dr. Titus! 
 
 JoL. Oh ! 
 
 HiNX. Miss Patricia! 
 
 JoL. Patricia, oh, oh! 
 
 Mrs. J. Patricia — who is she? 
 
 HiNX. Why, the lady this gentleman was a-going 
 lo marry this morning. 
 
 Mrs. J. {to Joliffe) What, another! {to Hinx- 
 man) Sir, this man is my husband ! 
 
 HiNX. {with a chuckle) Your husband, too! Why, 
 the gentleman's a Mormon. {Sits at table, and mahes 
 notes in hook.) 
 
 Mrs. S. Oh, what shall I do! Poor Montague 
 will be taken, {seizing Jol. on his R.) He is my 
 husband, he said so this morning. 
 
 Mrs. J. {pulling Joliffe from the other side) 
 He's my husband ; he'd say anything. 
 
 Mrs. S. He's Mr. Joliffe. 
 . Mrs. J. He's Mr. Jackson. 
 
 Mrs. S. He's Mr. JoliSe. 
 
68 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 Mrs. J. He's Mr. Jackson 
 
 {The two women pull Joliffe from one side to the 
 other.) 
 
 JoL. (appeaUngly) Ladies, ladies ! don't divide 
 on this question. Mr. Hinxman, don't let 'em. 
 
 XMrs. J. goes up hack, McCafferty enters, carrying 
 a large pistol case l.) 
 
 McC. {coming down L. c.) Is the scoundrel here? 
 HiNX. I should think he was! 
 
 (McC. deposits pistol case on table.) 
 
 McC. And alive, too, and alive. 
 
 JoL. {faintly) Only just! Only just! 
 
 McC. {going down to Joliffe) I've brought my 
 pistols wid me, the same as I fought Colonel Doherty 
 with, years ago. 
 
 JoL. Oh ! 
 
 Mrs. S. {aside) I must warn Montague — perhaps 
 in the confusion he may escape, {she slips out 
 door R.) 
 
 McC. Now you'll cross the water wid me, and 
 satisfy my honour wid your blood ! 
 
 JoL. Can't get away, can't get away just now; 
 my busy time. 
 
 McC. You thought to do for me with the shock 
 of your departure, but ye see I'm one too many 
 for ye. 
 
 JoL. Everybody's one too many for me. {goes 
 up to portmanteau, and brings it down to McC.) 
 Here, take back the wedding trousseau; it's unworn. 
 Take back the pocket-money, it's unchanged, {put- 
 ting half sovereign on portmanteau, which McC. 
 picks up eagerly) Your bill shall be settled. 
 
 McC. Yes, when I've settled you or you've set- 
 tled me. If you'll not fight in a foreign country, 
 jou shall fight me here. 
 
IN CHANCERY. 69 
 
 JoL. You've got one bullet in you already. 
 Greedy! greedy! {goes down r.) 
 
 Mrs. J. (coming down to McC.'s R.) How dare 
 you incite my husband to commit a breach of the 
 peace ? 
 
 McC. Your husband? 
 
 Mrs. J. My husband! 
 
 McC. Begorra! it's not bigamy, but trigonome- 
 try, he's been attempting. 
 
 Mrs. J. Whatever his faults, he's the father of 
 little Freddy, sleeping quietly in his cot at this 
 moment. 
 
 McC. And am I not the father of my little 
 Patricia, who ought to be sleeping quietly in her 
 cot at this moment? 
 
 (The door opens, and Patricia enters with Titus. 
 Pat. is still in her Iridal attire. Joliffe hides 
 himself behind Mrs. J.) 
 
 McC. (embracing Pat.) My daughter! There 
 stands the viper! 
 
 Pat. (to Joliffe) Montague, come here, (she 
 crosses c. McC. goes doivn l. sits hack of table, 
 HiNX. goes up back.) 
 
 JoL. Go away! Go away! Go away! Fm en- 
 gaged two deep. 
 
 (Mrs. Smith enters door r., followed by John.) 
 
 Titus 
 Pat. Hi NX. 
 John Mrs. S. Jol. Mrs. J. McC. 
 
 Mrs. J. You shan't touch him, he belongs to me. 
 
 Mrs. S. He doesn't, he belongs to me. 
 
 Jol. (to Mrs. S.) Mellina, I am ashamed of you! 
 
 Pat. He belongs to me. Fve written on his 
 heart the story of my young love, (goes L. of table.) 
 McC. sits back of table.) 
 
 HiNX. (coming down R. of Joliffe) Come, come, 
 
70 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 ladies, there seems to be some little misunderstand- 
 ing. 
 
 JoL. Think so! 
 
 HiNX. Now, my good fellow, explain. 
 
 JoL. {madly) I have explained, and I'll do so 
 again if you'll only produce those wretched marines ! 
 My name is Jackson. I am the devoted husband of 
 this devoted lady. 
 
 (Titus comes down hetween Hikxman and 
 
 JOLIFFE.) 
 
 Titus, (handing two letters to Hinx.) Oh, Mr. 
 Hinxman, these two letters for you arrived at the 
 hotel as we left it. I had quite forgotten to give 
 them to you. 
 
 (Hinx. takes letters and opens them, goes e.) 
 
 JoL. (^0 Titus) A nice thing you've done; this 
 comes of taking your prescription. 
 
 Titus, (to Joliffe) I told you to take it easy — / 
 you've done so — it's brought your home to you. 
 
 JoL. It has brought it home to me. 
 
 (Titus and Joliffe go up. Hinxman taTces photo 
 out of first letter.) 
 
 Hinx. Hallo ! What's this? Why, it's the photo 
 of the missing Montague Joliffe. (to Joliffe, look- 
 ing at him) Why, it's not like you at all. (slapping 
 his forehead) Where have I seen this "phiz" now? 
 
 Mrs. S. (covering her hushand's face with her 
 hands) It isn't like John! It isn't like John! 
 
 Hinx. (turning) Why, that's the man. Well, 
 you are an artful couple. 
 
 Mrs. S. (embracing John) Oh, Montague, Mon- 
 tague ! 
 
 (Hinxman opens second letter.) 
 
 JoL. (to John) I'm sorry for you, John; the 
 judge will give you more than a month. 
 
IN CHANCERY. 71 
 
 John. And you more than a year. 
 
 JoL. No recrimination, if you please. 
 
 HiNX. Well, this is spoiling a good job, and no 
 mistake. A letter from Screw and Patchett, Mr. 
 Joliffe. (reading) "Admiral Turvey and Major Gam- 
 boil, having received a most excellent account of the 
 young gentleman who has married their ward, Miss 
 Mellina Summers, desire to withdraw from all action 
 in the matter, and are bringing every influence to 
 bear upon the Vice Chancellor to induce him to 
 inflict a merely nominal punishment; the affair is 
 therefore to be hushed up/' 
 
 Mrs. S. Oh, Montague! 
 
 John. Mellina, then everything is settled. 
 
 HiNX. Yes, everything's settled, (ihroiving away 
 letter) 
 
 JoL. (joyously) Everything's settled. 
 
 HiNX. (crossing to Joliffe and saying sharply) 
 Oh, no, you're not settled yet, Mr. Jackson. You 
 are still wanted for attempting to marry Miss Mc- 
 Cafferty. 
 
 JoL. Can't be; that lady (pointing to Mrs. S.) 
 is not my wife. 
 
 HiNX. Can be. {pointing to Mrs. Jackson) 
 That lady is your wife. 
 
 JoL. Oh, how intricate the law is. (retires up 
 stage) 
 
 TlTUS. (coming down L.) Stop a minute; the 
 charge against this gentleman depends a little on 
 Miss McCafferty. (to Pat.) Patricia, we've known 
 each other for a long time ! Will you marry me ? 
 
 Pat. (crosses l., embracing Titus) Y^es, any- 
 body ! 
 
 McC. (coming down) What about my consint? 
 
 Titus. My dear Captain, think — you'll always 
 have me near you to watch for the bullet. 
 
 McC. Devil take the bullet; the little drop of 
 whiskey I drink is so good and so strong I believe 
 the bullet's melted long ago. 
 
72 IN CHANCERY. 
 
 Titus. Mr. Hinxman, this lady declines to prose- 
 cute, and I can assure Mrs. Jackson, and any court 
 of law, that Mr. Jackson's strange behaviour was 
 solely caused by his railway accident at Steepleton 
 Junction. 
 
 JoL. You hear, Emily, do you believe me ? 
 
 Mrs. J. I suppose I must. 
 
 JoL. She believes me. (to Hinx.) We shall not 
 require those marines, {embracing Mrs. Jackson) 
 
 Mrs. J. Every married man will be trying to 
 meet with a railway accident now. 
 
 JoL. I shan't! I shall give up travelling for 
 Grigs and Barber, and if I take a drive into the 
 country, you shall accompany me, {to Mellina) I 
 shall never forget you, Mellina. {glaring at John) 
 I shant' forget you, John, {to Hinx.) I shan't 
 forget you in a hurry. (Hinx. laughs — to McC.) I 
 wish I could forget you. Oh ! by the way, I find I 
 was a commercial traveller, so I shall require 2 J per 
 cent, off that little account. 
 
 McC. {with disgust) Bah. 
 
 JoL. {crossing to Pat.^ and shaTcing her hand) 
 I shall always remember my kind nurse, Mrs. Titus, 
 that is to be. {to Titus) And, Doctor, your bill 
 shan't slip my memory, {looking round) In fact, 
 I'm never going to forget anything or anybody any 
 more, {to audience) And last, but not least, I shall 
 never forget you! 
 
 (John and Mrs. Smith on sofa.) 
 
 Hinx. Jol. Mrs. J. 
 
 McC. 
 (table) 
 
 Pat. 
 Titus, 
 [(husic as curtain falls.) 
 
 THE END. 
 
14 DAY USE 
 
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