PRICE TWO SHILLINGS THE MEMOIRS OF i fPCHARLESJAIffiSmOWPLUSH THE DIARY OF BY W. M .Thackeray. LONDON: iBRADBURY & EVANS BOXJVEjRIEj £T. 1656. University of California • Berkeley Gift of Heller Charitable AND Educational Fund ./•ffcH u / THE MEMOIRS 01 MR. CHAELES J. YELLOWPLUSH, AND THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. M. THACKERAY, Vanity Fair," " The Newcomes," &c LONDON: BEADBUEY & EVANS, 11, BOTJVEEIE STEEET. 1856. LONDON : BP.ADBUIiY a::D EYAX3, PB1NTEBS, WH1 rUKr.IA1l.S- CONTENTS. THE MEMOIRS OF Mil. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. PAOH miss shum's husband 1 the amours op mb. dkuceace 20 skimmings from "the dairy of george iv." 35 foring parts 47 mr. deuceace at paris i — chap. i. — the two bundles of hay 57 ii. — "honour thy father" 62 III. — MINEWVRING C9 IV. — "hitting the nale on the hedd" . . . . 70 V.— THE GRIFFIN'S CLAWS 79 VI THE JEWEL ... * 83 VII. THE CONSQUINSIES 91 VIII. — THE END OF MR. DEUCEACE's HISTORY. LIMBO. . . 91 IX. — THE MARRIAGE 110 X. — TnE nONEY-MOON 113 CONTENTS. PAGE MR. yellowplush's ajew 120 EPISTLES TO THE LITERATI ..132 THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. A LUCKY SPECULATOR 155 JEAMES OP BUCKLEY SQUARE 156 A LETTER FROM " JEAMES, OP BUCKLEY SQUARE" . . . . 15S THE DIARY 161 THE MEMOIRS MR CHAELES J. YELLOWPLUSH, FOOTMAN IN MANY GENTEEL FAMILIES. MISS SHUM'S HUSBAND. CHAPTER I. I was born in the year one, of the present or Christian hera, and am, in consquints, seven- an d-thirty years old. My mamma called me Charles James Harrington Fitzroy Tellowplush, in compliment to several noble families, and to a sellybrated coach- min whom she knew, who wore a yellow livry, and drove the Lord Maypr of London. "Why she gev me this genlmn's name is a diffiklty, or rayther the name of a part of his dress ; however, it's stuck to me through life, in which I was, as it were, a footman by buth. Praps he was my father — though on this subjict I can't speak suttinly, for my ma wrapped up my buth in a mistry. I may be illygitmit, I may have been changed at nuss ; but I've always had genlmnly tastes through life, and have no doubt that I come of a genlmnly origum. The less I say about my parint the better, for the dear old creature was very good to me, and, I fear, had very little other goodness in her. AVhy, I can't say; but I always passed as her B # 2 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOwTLUSH. nevyou. We led a strange life ; sometimes ma was dressed in sattn and rooge, and sometimes in rags and'dutt; sometimes I got kisses, and sometimes kix ; sometimes gin, and sometimes shampang ; law bless ns ! how she used to swear at me, and cuddle me ; there we were, quarrelling and making up, sober and tipsy, starving and guttling by turns, just as ma got money or spent it. But let me draw a vail over the seen, and speak of her no more — its 'sfishant for the public to know, that her name was Miss Montmorency, and we lived in the New Cut. My poor mother died one morning, Hev'n bless her ! and I was left alone in this wide wicked wuld, without so much money as would buy me a penny roal for my brexfast. But there was some amongst our naybours (and let me tell you there's more kindness among them poor disrepettable creaturs than in half-a- dozen lords or barrynets) who took pity upon poor Sal's orfin (for they bust out laffin when I called her Miss Montmorency), and gev me bred and shelter. I'm afraid, in spite of their kind- ness, that my morrils wouldn't have improved if I'd stayed long among 'em. But a benny-violent genlmn saw me, and put me to school. The academy which I went to was called the Free School of Saint Bartholomew's the Less — the young genlmn wore green baize coats, yellow leather whatsisnames, a tin plate on the left harm, and a cap about the size of a muffing. I stayed there sicks years, from sicks, that is to say, till my twelth year, during three years of witch, I distinguished myself not a little in the musicle way, for I bloo the bellus of the church horgin, and very fine tunes we played too. "Well, it's not worth recounting my jewvenile follies (what trix we used to play the applewoman ! and how we put snuff in the old dark's Prayer-book — my eye !); but one day, a genlmn entered the school-room — it was on the very day when I went to sub- traxion — and asked the master for a young lad for a servant. They pitched upon me glad enough ; and nex day found me sleeping in the skullery, close under the sink, at Mr. Bago's country-house at Pentonwille. Bago kep a shop in Smithfield market, and drov a taring good trade, in the hoii and Italian way. I've heard him say, that he cleared no less than fifty pounds every year, by letting his front MISS SHUM'S HUSEAND. 3 room at hanging time. His winders looked right opsit Newgit, and many and many dozen chaps has he seen hanging there. Laws was laws in the year ten, and they screwed chaps' nex for nex to nothink. But my bisniss was at his country-house, where I made my first ontray into faslmabl life. I was knife, errint, and stable-boy then, and an't ashamed to own it ; for my merrits have raised me to what I am — two livries, forty pound a year, malt- licker, washin, silk-stocking, and wax candles — not countin wails, which is somethink pretty considerable at our house, I can tell you. I didn't stay long here, for a suck instance happened which got me a very different situation. A handsome young genlmn, who kep a tilbry, and a ridin hoss at livry, wanted a tiger. I bid at once for the place ; and, being a neat tidy-looking lad, he took me. Bago gave me a character, and he my first livry ; proud enough I was of it, as you may fancy. My new master had some business in the city, for he went in every morning at ten, got out of his tilbry at the Citty Road, and had it waiting for him at six ; when, if it was summer, he spanked round into the Park, and drove one of the neatest turnouts there. "Wery proud I was in a gold laced hat, a drab coat and a red weskit, to sit by his side, when he drove. I already began to ogle the gals in the carriages, and to feel that longing for fashionabl life which I've had ever since. When he was at the oppera. or the play, down I went to skittles, or to White Condick Gardens; aud Mr. Frederick Altamont's young man was some- body, I warrant ; to be sure there is very few man-servants at Pentonwille, the poppylation being mostly gals of all work : and so, though only fourteen, I was as much a man down there, as if I had been as old as Jerusalem. But the most singular thing was, that my master, who was such a gay chap, should live in such a hole. He had only a ground- floor in John Street — a parlor and a bed-room. I slep over the way, and only came in with his boots and brexfast of a morning. The house he lodged in belonged to Mr. and Mrs. Shum. They were a poor but proliffic couple, who had rented the place for many years ; and they and their family were squeezed in it pretty tight, I can tell you. 4 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. Shum said he had been a hofncer, and so he had. He had been a sub-deputy, assistant, vice- commissary, or some such think \ and, as I heerd afterwards, had been obliged to leave on account of his nervousness. He was such a coward, the fact is, that he was considered dangerous to the harmy, and sent home. He had married a widow Buckmaster, who had been a Miss Slamcoe. She was a Bristol gal ; and her father being a bankrup in the tallow-chandlering way, left, in course, a pretty little sum of money. A thousand pound was settled on her ; and she was as high and mighty as if it had been a millium. Buckmaster died, leaving nothink ; nothink except four ugly daughters by Miss Slamcoe : and her forty found a year was rayther a narrow income for one of her appytite and pretensions. In an unlucky hour for Shum she met him. He was a widower with a little daughter of three years old, a little house at Penton- wille, and a little income about as big as her own. I believe she bullyd the poor creature into marriage ; and it was agreed that he should let his ground-floor at John Street, and so add some- think to their means. They married ; and the widow Buckmaster was the gray mare, I can tell you. She was always talking and blustering about her famly, the celebrity of the Buckmasters, and the antickety of the Slamcoes. They had a six-roomed house (not counting hitching and sculry), and now twelve daughters in all ; whizz. — 4 Miss Buckmasters: Miss Betsy, Miss Dosy, Miss Biddy, and Miss "Winny; 1 Miss Shum, Mary by name, Shum's daughter, and seven others, who shall be nameless. Mrs. Shum was a fat, red- haired woman, at least a foot taller than S., who was but a yard and a half high, pale-faced, red-nosed, knock-kneed, bald-headed, his nose and shut-frill all brown with snuff. Before the house was a little garden, where the washin of the famly was all ways hanging. There was so many of 'em that it was obliged to be done by relays. There was six rails and a stocking on each, and four small goosbry bushes, always covered with some bit of lining or other. The hall was a regular puddle ; wet dabs of dishclouts flapped in your face ; soapy smoking bits of flanniug went nigh to choke you ; and while you were looking up to prevent hanging yourself with the ropes which were strung MISS SHOTS HUSBAND. 5 across and about, slap came the hedge of a pail against your shins, till one was like to be drove mad with hagony. The great slattnly doddling girls was always on the stairs, poking about with nasty flower-pots, a-cooking something, or sprawling in the window-seats with greasy curl-papers, reading greasy novls. An infernal pianna was jiugling from morning till night — two eldest Miss Buckmasters " Battle of Prag" — six youngest Miss Shums, " In my cottage," till I knew every note in the " Battle of Prag," and cussed the day when "In my cottage" was rote. The younger girls, too, were always bouncing and thumping about the house, with torn pinny fores, and dogs-eard grammars, and large pieces of bread and treacle. I never see such a house. As for Mrs. Shum, she was such a fine lady, that she did nothink but lay on the drawing-room sophy, read novels, drink, scold, scream, and go into hystarrix. Little Shum kep reading an old newspaper from weeks' end to weeks' end, when he was not engaged in teachin the children, or goin for the beer, or cleanin the shoes, for they kep no servant. This house in John Street was in short a regular Pandymony. "What could have brought Mr. Frederic Altamont to dwell in such a place ? The reason is hobvius : he adoared the fust Miss Shum. And suttnly he did not show a bad taste, for though the other daughters were as ugly as their hideous ma, Mary Shum was a pretty, little, pink, modest creatur, with glossy black hair and tender blue eyes, and a neck as white as plaster of Parish. She wore a dismal old black gownd, which had grown too short for her, and too tight ; but it only served to show her pretty angles and feet, and bewchus figger. Master, though he had looked rather low for the gal of his art, had certainly looked in the right place. Never was one more pretty or more hamiable. I gav her always the buttered toast left from our brexfast, and a cup of tea or chock late as Altamont might fancy ; and the poor thing was glad enougli of it, I can vouch; for they had precious short commons up stairs, and she the least of all. For it seemed as if which of the Shum famly should try to snub the poor thing most. There was the four Buckmaster girls always at her. It w r as ; Mary, git the coal- skittle ; Mary, run down to 6 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. the public-house for the beer: Mary, I intend to wear your clean stockens out walking, or your new bonnet to church. Only her poor father was kind to her ; and he, poor old muff! his kindness was of no use. Mary bore all the scolding like an angel, as she was; no, not if she had a pair of wings and a goold trumpet, could she have been a greater angel. I never shall forgit one seen that took place. It was when Master was in the city ; and so, having nothink earthly to do, I happened to be listening on the stairs. The old scolding was a-going on, and the old tune of that hojus " Battle of Prag." Old Shum made some remark ; and Miss Buckmaster cried out, " Law pa ! what a fool you are ! " All the gals began laffin, and so did Mrs. Shum ; all, that is, excep Mary, who turned as red as flams, and going up to Miss Betsy Buckmaster, give her two such wax on her great red ears as made them tingle again. Old Mrs. Shum screamed, and ran at her like a Bengal tiger. Her great arms went weeling about like a vinmill, as she cuffed and thumped poor Mary for taking her pa's part. Mary Shum, who was always a-crying before, didn't shed a tear now. I will do it again, she said, if Betsy insults my father. New thumps, new shreex ! and the old horridan went on beatin the poor girl, till she was quite exosted, and fell down on the sophy, puffin like a poppus. " For shame, Mary," began old Shum : " for shame, you naughty gal, you ! for hurting the feelings of your dear mamma, and beating kind sister." " Why, it was because she called you a — " " If she did, you pert Miss," said Shum, looking mighty dig- nitified, " I could correct her, and not you." " You correct me, indeed ! " said Miss Betsy, turning up her nose, if possible, higher than before ; " I should like to see you erect me ! Imperence ! '' and they all began laffin again. By this time Mrs. S. had recovered from the effex of her exsize, and she began to pour in her wolly. Fust she called Mary names, then Shum. "O why," screeched she, "why did I ever leave a genteel famly, where I ad every ellygance and lucksry, to marry a creature like this ? He is unfit to be called a man, he is unworthy to> MISS SHUM'S HUSBAND. 7 marry a gentlewoman ; and as for that hussy, I disown her. Thank Heaven she ant a Slamcoe ; she is only fit to be a Shum ! " "That's true, mamma," said all the gals, for their mother had taught them this pretty piece of manners, and they despised their father heartily ; indeed, I have always remarked that, in families where the wife is internally talking about the merits of her branch, the husband is invariably a spooney. Well, when she was exosted again, down she fell on the sofy, at her old trix — more skreeching — more convulshuns — and she wouldn't stop, this time, till Shum had got her half a pint of her old remedy, from the Blue Lion over the way. She grew more easy as she finished the gin; but Mary was sent out of the room, and told not to come back agin all day. " Miss Mary," says I, — for my heart yurned to the poor gal, as she came sobbing and miserable down stairs; "Miss Mary,' says I, " If I might make so bold, here's master's room empty, and I know where the cold bif and pickles is." "O Charles!" said she, nodding her head sadly, " I'm too retched to have any happytite ; " and she flung herself on a chair, and began to cry- fit to bust. At this moment, who should come in but my master. I had taken hold of Miss Mary's hand, somehow, and do believe, I should have kist it, when, as I said, Haltamont made his appear- ance. " What's this ? " cries he, lookin at me as black as thunder, or as Mr. Phillips as Hickit, in the new tragedy of Mac Buff. " It's only Miss Mary, sir," answered I. " Get out, sir," says he, as fierce as posbil, and I felt some- think (I think it was the tip of his to) touching me behind, and found myself, nex minit, sprawling among the wet flannings, and buckets and things. The people from up- stairs came to see what was the matter, as I was cussin and crying out. " It's only Charles, ma,' ' screamed out Miss Betsy. " Where 's Mary ? " says Mrs. Shum, from the sofy. " She's in master's room, miss," said I. " She's in the lodger's room, ma," cries Miss Shum, heckoing me. " Very good ; tell her to stay there till he comes back." And 8 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. then, Miss Shum went bouncing up the stairs again, little know- ing of Haltamont's return. ******* I'd long before observed that my master had an anchoring after Mary Shum ; indeed, as I have said, it was purely for her sake that he took and kep his lodgings at Pentonwille. Excep for the sake of love which is above being mersnary, fourteen shillings a wick was a little too strong for two such rat-holes as he lived in. I do blieve the family had nothing else but their lodger to live on : they brekfisted off his tea-leaves, they cut away pounds and pounds of meat from his jints (he always dined at home), and his baker's bill was at least enough for six. But that wasn't my business. I saw him grin, sometimes, when I laid down the cold bif of a morning, to see how little was left of yesterday's sirline ; but he never said a syllabub ; for true love don't mind a pound of meat or so hextra. At first, he was very kind an attentive to all the gals ; Miss Betsy, in partickler, grew mighty fond of him; they sate, for whole evenings, playing cribbitch, he taking his pipe and glas, she her tea and muffing ; but as it was improper for her to come alone, she brought one* of her sisters, and this was genrally Mary, — for he made a pint of asking her, too, — and one day, when one of the others came instead, he told her, very quitely, that he hadn't invited her ; and Miss Buckmaster was too fond of mufiings to try this game on again; besides, she was jealous of her three grown sisters, and considered Mary as only a child. Law bless us ! how she used to ogle him, and quot bits of pottry, and play " Meet me by moonlike," on an old gitter : she reglar flung herself at his head, but he wouldn't have it, bein better ockypied elsewhere. One night, as genteel as possible, he brought home tickets for Ashley's, and proposed to take the two young ladies — Miss Betsy and Miss Mary, in course. I recklect he called me aside that afternoon, assuming a solamon and misterus hare, " Charles," said he, " are you ujp to snuff? " " "Why sir," said I, " I'm genrally considered tolelably downy." "Well," says he, "I'll give you half a suffering if you can manage this bisniss for me ; I 've chose a rainy night on purpus. MISS SHUM'S HUSBAND. 9 When the theatre is over, you must be waitin with two umbrel- lows ; give me one, and hold the other over Miss Shum ; and, hark ye, sir, turn to the right when you leave the theatre, and say the coach is ordered to stand a little way up the street, in order to get rid of the crowd." "We went (in a fly hired by Mr. H.), and never shall I forgit Cartliche's hacting on that memrable night. Talk of Kimble ! talk of Magreedy ! Ashley's for my money, with Cartlitch in the principal part. But this is nothink to the porpus. When the play was over, I was at the door with the umbrellos. It was raining cats and dogs, sure enough. Mr. Altamont came out presently, Miss Mary under his arm, and Miss Betsy followin behind, rayther sulky. " This way, sir," cries I, pushin forward; and I threw a great cloak over Miss Betsy, fit to smother her. Mr. A. and Miss Mary skipped on and was out of sight when Miss Betsy's cloak was settled, you may be sure. " They're only gone to the fly, miss. It's a little way up the street, away from the crowd of carriages." And off we turned to the right, and no mistake. After marchin a little through the plash and mud, " Has any- body seen Coxy's fly ? " cries I, with the most innocent haxent in the world. " Cox's fly ! " hollows out one chap. " Is it the vaggin you want?" says another. "I see the blackin wan pass," giggles out another genlmn ; and there was such an interchange of compliments as you never heerd. I pass them over though, because some of 'em were not wery genteel. " Law, miss," said I, " what shall I do ? My master will never forgive me ; and I haven't a single sixpence to pay a coach." Miss Betsy was just going to call one when I said that, but the coachman wouldn't have it at that price, he said, and I knew very well that she hadn't four or five shillings to pay for a wehicle. So, in the midst of that tarin rain, at midnight, we had to walk four miles, from Westminster Bridge to Pentonwille ; and what was wuss, I didn't happen to know the way. A very nice walk it was, and no mistake. At about half-past two, we got safe to John Street. My master 10 TEE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. was at the garden gate. Miss Mary flew into Miss Betsy's arms, whil master began cussin and swearing at me for disobeying bis orders, and turning to the right instead of to the left ! Law bless me ! bis acting of anger was very near as natral and as terrybl as Mr. Cartlicb's in tbe play. They had waited half an hour, be said, in the fly, in tbe little street at the left of tbe theatre ; they had drove np and down in tbe greatest fright possible ; and at last came home, thinking it was in vain to wait any more. They gave her 'ot rum and water and roast oysters for supper, and this consoled her a little. I hope nobody will cast an imputation on Miss Mary for her share in this adventer, for she was as honest a gal as ever lived, and I do believe is hignorant to this day of our little strattygim. Besides, all's fair in love ; and, as my master could never get to see her alone, on account of her infernal eleven sisters and ma, he took this opportunity of expressin his attachment to her. If he was in love with her before, you may be sure she paid it him back again now. Ever after tbe night at Ashley's, they were as tender as two tuttle-doves — which fully accounts for the axdent what happened to me, in being kicked out of the room ; and in course I bore no mallis. I don't know whether Miss Betsy still fancied that my master was in love with her, but she loved muflings and tea, and kem down to his parlor as much as ever. Now comes the sing'lar part of my history. CHAPTER II. But who was this genlmn with a fine name — Mr. Frederic Altamont ? or what was he ? The most mysterus genlmn that ever I knew. Once I said to him, on a wery rainy day, " Sir, shall I bring the gig down to your office ? " and he gave me one of his black looks and one of bis loudest hoaths, and told me to mind my own bizziness, and attend to my orders. Another day, — it was on the day when Miss Mary slapped Miss Betsy's face, — Miss M., who adoared him, as I have said already, kep on asking him what was his buth, parentidg, and ediccation. " Dear Frederic," MISS SHUM'S HUSBAND. 11 says she, "why this mistry about yourself and your hactions? why hide from your little Mary " — they, were as tender as this, I can tell you — " your buth and your professin ? " I spose Mr. Frederic looked black, for I was only listening, and he said, in a voice agitated by amotion, " Mary," said he, " if you love me, ask me this no more : let it be sfishnt for you to know that I am a honest man, and that a secret, what it would be misery for you to larn, must hang over all my actions — that is, from ten o'clock till six." They went on chaffin and talking in this melumcolly and mys- terus way, and I didn't lose a word of what they said, for them houses in Pentonwille have only walls made of pasteboard, and you hear rayther better outside the room than in. But, though he kep up his secret, he swore to her his affektion this day pint blank. Nothing should prevent him, he said, from leading her to the halter, from makin her his adoarable wife. After this was a slight silence. " Dearest Frederic," mummered out miss, speakin as if she was chokin, " I am yours — yours for ever." And then silence agen, and one or two smax, as if there was kissin going on. Here I thought it best to give a rattle at the door-lock ; for, as I live, there was old Mrs. Shum a-walkin down the stairs ! It appears that one of the younger gals, a looking out of the bed-rum window, had seen my master come in, and coming down to tea half an hour afterwards, said so in a cussary way. Old Mrs. Shum, who was a dragon of vertyou, cam bustling down the stairs, panting and frowning, as fat and as fierce as a old sow at feedin time. " Where's the lodger, fellow ? " says she to me. I spoke loud enough to be heard down the street — " If you mean, ma'am, my master, Mr. Frederic Altamont, esquire, he's just stept in, and is puttin on clean shoes in his bed-room." She said nothink in answer, but flumps past me, and opening the parlor-door, sees master looking very queer, and Miss Mary a drooping down her head like a pale lily. "Did you come into my family," says she, "to corrupt my daughters, and to destroy the hinnocence of that infamous gal ? Did you come here, sir, as a seducer, or only as a lodger ? Speak, sir, speak ! " — and she folded her arms quite fierce, and looked like Mrs. Siddums in the Tragic Mews. 12 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. " I came here, Mrs. Shum," said he, " because I loved your daughter, or I never would have condescended to live in such a beggarly hole. I have treated her in every respect like a genlmn, and she is as hinnocent now, main, as she was when she was born. If she'll marry me, I am ready ; if she'll leave you, she shall have a home where she shall be neither bullyd nor starved ; no hangry frumps of sisters, no cross mother-in-law, only an affeckshnat hus- band, and all the pure pleasures of Hyming." Mary flung herself into his arms — " Dear, dear Frederic," says she, " I'll never leave you." " Miss," says Mrs. Shum, " Tou ain't a Slamcoe nor yet a Buck- master, thank G-od. Tou may marry this person if your pa thinks proper, and he may insult me — brave me — trample on my feelinx in my own house — and there's no-o-o-obody by to defend me." I knew what she was going to be at: on came her histarrix agen, and she began screechin and roarin like mad. Down comes of course the eleven gals and old Shum. There was a pretty row. " Look here, sir," says she, " at the conduck of your precious trull of a daughter — alone with this man, kissin and dandlin, and Lawd knows what besides." " What, he ? " cries Miss Betsy — " he in love with Mary ! O, the wretch, the monster, the deceiver ! " — and she falls down too, screeching away as loud as her mamma ; for the silly creature fancied still that Altamont had a fondness for her. " Silence these women ! " shouts out Altamont, thundering loud. 11 1 love your daughter, Mr. Shum. I will take her without a penny, and can afford to keep her. If you don't give her to me, she'll come of her own will. Is that enough? — may I have her?" "We'll talk of this matter, sir," says Mr. Shum, looking as high and mighty as an alderman. " Gals go up stairs with your dear mamma." — And they all trooped up again, and so the skrimmage ended. Tou may be sure that old Shum was not very sorry to get a husband for his daughter Mary, for the old creatur loved her better than all the pack which had been brought him or born to him by Mrs. Buckmaster. But, strange to say, when he came to talk of settlements and so forth, not a word would my master MISS SHUM'S HUSBAND. 13 answer. He said he made four hundred a-year reg'lar — he wouldn't tell how — but Mary, if she married him, must share all that he had, and ask no questions ; only this he would say, as he'd said before, that he was a honest man. They were married in a few days, and took a very genteel house at Islington ; but still my master went away to business, and nobody knew where. Who could he be ? CHAPTER III. If ever a young kipple in the middlin classes began life with a chance of happiness, it was Mr. and Mrs. Frederick Altamont. There house at Cannon Eow, Islington, was as comfortable as house could be. Carpited from top to to ; pore's rates small ; furnitur elygant ; and three deomestix, of which I, in course, was one. My life wasn't so easy as in Mr. A.'s bachelor days ; but, what then ? The three Ws. is my maxum ; plenty of work, plenty of wittles, and plenty of wages. Altamont kep his gig no longer, but went to the city in an omlibuster. One would have thought, I say, that Mrs. A., with such an efFeckshnut husband, might have been as happy as her blessid majisty. Nothink of the sort. For the fust six months it was all very well ; but then she grew gloomier and gloomier, though A. did everythink in life to please her. Old Shum used to come reglarly four times a wick to Cannon Eow, where he lunched, and dined, and teed, and supd. The poor little man was a thought too fond of wine and spirits ; and many and many's the night that I've had to support him home. And you may be sure that Miss Betsy did not now desert her sister : she was at our place mornink, noon, and night, not much to my mayster's liking, though he was too good natured to wex his wife in trifles. But Betsy never had forgotten the recollection of old days, and hated Altamont like the foul feind. She put all kind of bad things into the head of poor innocent missis ; who, from being all gaiety and cheerfulness, grew to be quite melumcolly and pale, and retchid, just as if she had been the most misrable woman in the world. U THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. In three months more, a baby comes, in course, and with it old Mrs. Shum, who stuck to Mrs. side as close as a wampire, and made her retchider and retchider. She used to bust into tears when Altamont came home ; she used to sigh and wheep over the pore child, and say, " My child, my child, your father is false to me;" or, " your father deceives me;" or, " what will you do when your poor mother is no more ?" or such like sentimental stuff. It all came from Mother Shum, and her old trix, as I soon found out. The fact is, when there is a mistry of this kind in the house, its a servant's duty to listen ; and listen I did, one day when Mrs. was cryin as usual, and fat Mrs. Shum a sittin consolin her, as she called it, though, Heaven knows, she only grew wuss and wuss for the consolation. "Well, I listened ; Mrs. Shum was a rockin the baby, and missis cryin as yousual. " Pore dear innocint," says Mrs. S., heavin a great sigh, "you're the child of a unknown father, and a misrabble mother." "Don't speak ill of Frederic, mamma," says missis; "he is all kindness to me." " All kindness, indeed ! yes, he gives you a fine house, and a fine gownd, and a ride in a fly whenever you please ; but where does all his money come from ? Who is he — what is he ? "Who knows that he mayn't be a murderer, or a housebreaker, or a utterer of forged notes ? How can he make his money honestly, when he won't say where he gets it ? Why does he leave you eight hours every blessid day, and won't say where he goes to ? Oh, Mary, Mary, you are the most injured of women !" And with this Mrs. Shum began sobbin ; and Miss Betsy began yowling like a cat in a gitter; and pore missis cried, too — tears is so remarkable infeckshus. " Perhaps, mamma," wimpered out she, "Frederic is a shopboy, and don't like me to know that he is not a gentleman." " A shopboy," says Betsy; "he a shopboy! no, no, no ! more likely a wretched willain of a murderer, stabbin and robing all day, and feedin you with the fruits of his ill-gotten games ! " More cryin and screechin here took place, in which the baby joined ; and made a very pretty consort, I can tell you. "He can't be a robber," cries missis ; " he's too good, too kind, MISS SHOTS HUSBAND. 15 for that ; besides, murdering is done at night, and Frederic is always home at eight." " But he can be a forger," says Betsy, u a wicked, wicked /bryer. Why does he go away every day ? to forge notes, to be sure. Why does he go to the city ? to be near banks and places, and so do it more at his convenience." "But he brings home a sum of money every day — about thirty shillings — sometimes fifty : and then he smiles, and says its a good day's work. This is not like a forger," said pore Mrs. A. * I have it — I have it !" screams out Mrs. S. " The villain — the sneaking, double-faced Jonas ! he's married to somebody else, he is, and that's why he leaves you, the base biggymist ?" At this, Mrs. Altamont, struck all of a heap, fainted clean away. A dreadful business it was — histarrix ; then hystarrix, in course, from Mrs. Shum ; bells ringin, child squalin, suvvants tearin up and down stairs with hot water ! If ever there is a noosance in the world, it's a house where faintain is always goin on. I wouldn't live in one, — no, not to be groom of the chambers, and git two hundred a year. It was eight o'clock in the evenin when this row took place ; and such a row it was, that nobody but me heard master's knock. He came in, and heard the hooping, and screeching, and roaring. He seemed very much frightened at first, and said, "What is it?" "Mrs. Shum's here," says I, u and Mrs. in astarrix." Altamont looked as black as thunder, and growled out a word which I don't like to name, — let it suffice that it begins with a d and ends with a nation ; and he tore up stair3 like mad. He bust open the bed-room door ; missis lay quite pale and stony on the sofy ; the babby was screechin from the craddle ; Miss Betsy was sprawlin over missis ; and Mrs. Shum half on the bed and half on the ground : all howlin and squeelin, like so many dogs at the moond. When A. came in, the mother and daughter stopped all of a sudding. There had been one or two tiffs before between them, and they feared him as if he had been a hogre. "What's this infernal screeching and crying about ?" says he. 10 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. " Oh, Mr. Altamont," cries the old woman, " you know too well; it's about you that this darling child is xnisrabble !" " And why about me, pray, madam ?" " Why, sir, dare you ask why ? Because you deceive her, sir ; because you are a false, cowardly traitor, sir ; because you have a wife elsewhere, sir ? " And the old lady and Miss Betsy began to roar again as loud as ever. Altamont pawsed for a minnit, and then flung the door wide open ; nex he seized Miss Betsy as if his hand were a vice, and he world her out of the room ; then up he goes to Mrs. S. " Get up," says he, thundering loud, "you lazy, trollopping, mischief- making, lying old fool ! G-et up, and get out of this house. Tou have been the cuss and bain of my happyniss since you entered it. "With your d — d lies, and novvle reading, and his- terrix, you have perwerted Mary, and made her almost as mad as yourself." " My child ! my child ! " shriex out Mrs. Shum, and clings round missis. Bufe Altamont ran between them, and griping the old lady by her arm, dragged her to the door. " Follow your daughter, ma'm," says he, and down she went. " Chawls, see those ladies to the door," he hollows out, " and never let them pass it again." We walked down together, and off they went : and master locked and double-locked the bed-room door after him, intendin, of course, to have a tator tator (as they say) with his wife. You may be sure that I followed up stairs again pretty quick, to hear the result of their confidence. As they say at St. Stevenses, it was rayther a stormy debate. " Mary,' ' says master, "■ you're no longer the merry grateful gal, I knew and loved at Pentonwill : there's some secret a pressin on you — there's no smilin welcom for me now, as there used formly to be ! Tour mother and sister-in-law have perwerted you, Mary : and that's why I've drove them from this house, which they shall not re-enter in my life." " O, Frederic! it's you is the cause, and not I. Why do you have any mistry from me ? Where do you spend your days ? Why did you leave me, even on the day of your marridge, for eight hours, and continue to do so every day?" " Because," says he, " I makes my livelihood by it. I leave MISS SHOTS HUSBAND. 17 you, and don't tell you how I make it : for it would make you none the happier to know." It was in this way the convysation ren on — more tears and questions on my missises part, more sturmness and silence on my my master's : it ended for the first time since their marridge, in a reglar quarrel. Wery difrent, I can tell you, from all the hammerous billing and kewing which had proceeded their nupshuls. Master went out, slamming the door in a fury ; as well he might. Says he, " If I can't have a comforable life, I can have a jolly one ; " and so he went off to the hed tavern, and came home that evening beesly intawsicated. "When high words begin in a family drink generally follows on the genlman's side ; and then, fearwell to all conjubial happy niss ! These two pipple, so fond and loving were now sirly, silent, and full of il wil. Master went out earlier, and came home later; missis cried more, and looked even paler than before. Well, things went on in this uncomfortable way, master still in the mopes, missis tempted by the deamons of jellosy and curosity ; until a singlar axident brought to light all the goings on of Mr. Altamont. It was the tenth of January ; I recklect the day, for old Shum gev me half-a-crownd (the fust and last of his money I ever see, by the way) : he was dining along with master, and they were making merry together. Master said, as he was mixing his fifth tumler of punch and little Shum his twelfth, or so — master said, " I see you twice in the City to-day, Mr. Shum." " Well that's curous ! " says Shum. " I was in the City. To day's the day when the divvydins (God bless 'em) is paid ; and me and Mrs. S. went for our half-year's inkem. But we only got out of the coach, crossed the street to the Bank, took our money, and got in agen. How could you see me twice ? " Altamont stuttered, and stammered, and hemd, and hawd. u ! " says he, " I was passing — passing as you went in and out.' And he instantly turned the conversation, and began talking about pollytix, or the weather or some such stuff. " Yes, my dear," said my missis ; " but how could you see pap t o 13 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. TELLOWPLUSH. twice ? " Master didn't answer, but talked pollytix more than ever. Still she would continy on. " Where was you, my dear, when you saw pa ? What were you doing, my love, to see pa twice r " and so forth. Master looked angrier and angrier, and his wife only pressed him wuss and wuss. This was, as I said, little Shum's twelfth tumler ; and I knew pritty well that he could git very little further ; for, as reglar as the thirteenth came, Shum was druuk. The thirteenth did come, and its consquinzes. I was obliged to leed him home to John Street, where I left him in the hangry arms of Mrs. Shum. " How the d — ," saydhe all the way, " how the d dd — the deddy — deddy — devil — could he have seen me twice? " CHAPTER IV. It was a sad slip on Altamont's part, for no sooner did he go out the next morning than missis went out too. She tor down the street, and never stopped till she came to her pa's house at Pentonwill. She was clositid for an hour with her ma, and when she left her she drove straight to the City. She walked before the Bank, and behind the Bank, and round the Bank : she came home disperryted, having learned nothink. And it was now an extraordinary thing that from Shum's house for the next ten days there was nothink but expyditions into the City. Mrs. S., tho her dropsicle legs had never carred her half so fur before, was eternally on the key veve, as the French say. If she didn't go, Miss Betsy did, or misses did : they seemed to have an attrackshun to the Bank, and went there as natral as an omlibus. At last one day, old Mrs. Shum comes to our house — (she wasn't admitted when master was there, but came still in his absints) — and she wore a hair of tryumph, as she entered. " Mary," says she, " where is the money your husbind brought to you yesterday ? " My master used always to give it to missis when he returned. "The money, ma ! " says Mary. " Why here ! " And pulling MISS SHUM'S HUSBAND. 19 out her puss, she shewed a sovriu, a good heap of silver, and an odd-looking little coin. "That's it! that's it ! " cried Mrs. S. "A Queene Anne's sixpence, isn't it dear — dated seventeen hundred and three ? " It was so sure enough : a Queen Ans sixpence of that very date. " Now, my love,'' says she, " I haveTound him ! Come with me to-morrow, and you shall know all ! " And now comes the end of my story. ****** The ladies nex morning set out for the City, and I walked behind, doing the genteel thing, with a nosegy and a goold stick. "We walked down the New Road — we walked down the City Boad — we walked to the Bank. "We were crossing from that heddyfiz to the other side of Cornhill, when all of a sudden missis shreeked, and fainted spontaceously away. I rushed forrard, and raised her to my arms : spiling thereby a new weskit, and a pair of crimson smalcloes. I rushed forrard, I say, very nearly knocking down the old sweeper who was hob- ling away as fast as posibil. We took her to Birch's ; we provided her with a hackney-coach and every lucksury, and carried her home to Islington. * ***** That night master never came home. Nor the nex night, nor the nex. On the fourth day, an octioneer arrived ; he took an infantry of the furnitur, and placed a bill in the window. At the end of the wick Altamont made his appearance. He was haggard and pale ; not so haggard, however, not so pale, as his misrable wife. He looked at her very tendrilly. I may say, it's from him that I coppied my look to Miss . He looked at her very tendrilly and held out his arms. She gev a sufFy eating shreek, and rusht into his umbraces. " Mary," says he, " you know all now. I have sold my place ; I have got three thousand pounds for it, and saved two more. I've sold my house and furnitur, and that brings me another. We'll go abroad and love each other, has formly." And now you a^k me, Who he was ? I shudder to relate. — o 2 20 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. Mr. Haltamont swep the crossin - eeom the Bank to Cobn- hill ! ! Of cors, I left his servis. I met him, few years after, at Badden-Badden, where he and Mrs. A. were much respectid, and pass for pipple of propaty. THE AMOUES OE ME. DEUCEACE. DIMOND CUT DIMOKD. The name of my nex master was, if posbil, still more ellygant and youfonious than that of my fust. I now found myself boddy servant to the Honrabble Halgernon Percy Deuceace, youngest and fifth son of the Earl of Crabs. Halgernon was a barrystir — that is, he lived in Pump Cort, Temple ; a wulgar naybrood, witch praps my readers don't no. Sufnz to say, its on the confines of the citty, and the choasen aboad of the lawyers of this metrappolish. When I say that Mr. Deuceacre was a barrystir, I don't mean that he went sesshums or surcoats (as they call 'em), but simply that he kep chambers, lived in Pump Cort, and looked out for a commitionarship, or a revisinship, or any other place that the Wig guvvyment could give him. His father was a Wig pier (as the landriss told me), and had been a Toary pier. The fackis, his lordship was so poar, that he would be anythink or nothink, to get provisions for his sons and an inkum for himself. I phansy that he aloud Halgernon two hundred a-year ; and it would have been a very comforable maintenants, only he knever paid him. Owever, t ^e young gnlmn was a genlmn, and no mistake ; he got his allowents of nothink a-year, and spent it in the most honrabble and fashnabble manner. He kep a kab — he went to Holmax — and Crockfud's — he moved in the most xquizzit suckles and trubbld the law boox very little, I can tell you. Those fash- nabble gents have ways of getten money, witch comman pipple doant understand. Though he only had a therd floar in Pump Cort, he lived as U MR. DEUCE ACE. 21 he had the welth of Cresas. The tenpun notes floo abowt as com- mon as haypince — clarrit and shampang was at his house as vulgar as gin ; and verry glad I was, to be sure, to be a valley to a zion of the nobillaty. Deuceace had, in his sittin-room, a large pictur on a sheet of paper. The names of his family was wrote on it ; it was wrote in the shape of a tree, a groin out of a man-in-ariner's stomick, and the names were on little plates among the bows. The pictur said that the Deuceaces kem into England in the year 1066, along with "William Conqueruns. My master called it his podygree. I do bleev it was because he had this pictur, and because he was the Honrdbble Deuceace, that he mannitched to live as he did. If he had been a common man, you'd have said he was no better than a swinler. It's only rank and buth that can warrant such singularities as my master show'd. For it's no use disgysing it — the Honrabble Halgernon was a gambler. For a man of wulgar family, it's the wust trade that can be — for a man of com- mon feelinx of honesty, this profession is quite imposbil ; but for a real thorough-bread genlmn, it's the esiest and most prophetable line he can take. It may praps appear curous that such a fashnabble man should live in the Temple ; but it must be recklected, that it's not only lawyers who live in what's called the Ins of Cort. Many batchy- lers, who have nothink to do with lor, have here their loginx ; and many sham barrysters, who never put on a wig and gownd twise in their lives, kip apartments in the Temple, instead of Bon Street, Pickledilly, or other fashnabble places. Frinstance, on our stairkis (so these houses are called), there was 8 sets of chamberses, and only 3 lawyers. These was bottom floar, Screwson, Hewson, and Jewson, attorneys; fust floar, Mr. Sergeant Flabber — opsite, Mr. Counslor Bruffy ; and secknd pair, Mr. Haggerstony, an Irish counslor, praktising at the Old Baly, and lickwise what they call reporter to the Morning Post nyouspapper. Opsite him was wrote Mr. Kichabd Blewitt ; and on the thud floar, with my master, lived one Mr. Dawkins. This young fellow was a new comer into the Temple, and 22 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. unlucky it was for him too — he'd better have never been born ; for it's my firm apinion that the Temple ruined him — that is, with the help of my master and Mr. Dick Blewitt, as you shall hear. Mr. Dawkins, as I was gave to understand by his young man, had jest left the Universary of Oxford, and had a pretty little fortn of his own — six thousand pound, or so — in the stox. He was jest of age, an orfin who had lost his father and mother ; and having distinkwished hisself at collitch, where he gained seftral prices, was come to town to push his fortn, and study the barryster's bisness. Not bein of a very high fammly hisself — indeed, I've heard say his father was a chismonger, or somethink of that lo sort — Dawkins was glad to find his old Oxford frend, Mr. Blewitt, yonger son to rich Squire Blewitt, of Listershire, and to take rooms so near him. Now, tho' there was a considdrable intimacy between me and Mr. Blewitt' s gentleman, there was scarcely any betwixt our masters, — mine being too much of the aristoxy to associate with one of Mr. Blewitt' s sort. Blewitt was what they call a bettin man; he went reglar to Tattlesall's, kep a pony, wore a white hat, a blue berd's-eye handkercher, and a cut-away coat. In his manners he was the very contrary of my master, who was a slim, ellygant man as ever I see — he had very white hands, rayther a sallow face, with sharp dark ise, and small wiskus neatly trimmed and as black as "Warren's jet — he spoke very low and soft — he seemed to be watchin the person with whom he was in convy- sation, and always flatterd every body. As for Blewitt, he was quite of another sort. He was always swearin, singing, and slappin people on the back, as hearty as posbill. He seemed a merry, careless, honest cretur, whom one would trust with life and soul. So thought Dawkins, at least; who, though a quiet young man, fond of his boox, novvles, Byron's poems, floot- playing, and such like scientafic amusemints, grew hand in glove with honest Dick Blewitt, and soon after with my master, the Honrabble Halgernon. Poor Daw ! he thought he was makin good connexions, and real frends — he had fallen in with a couple of the most etrocious swinlers that ever lived. ME. DEUCEACE. 23 Before Mr. Dawkins's arrivial in our house, Mr. Deuceace had barely condysended to speak to Mr. Blewitt : it was only about a month after that suckumstance that my master, all of a sudding, grew very friendly with him. The reason was pretty clear, — Deuceace ivanted him. Dawkins had not been an hour in master's company before he knew that he had a pidgin to pluck. Blewitt knew this too : and bein very fond of pidgin, intended to keep this one entirely to himself. It was amusin to see the Honrabble Halgernon manuvring to get this pore bird out of Blewitt's clause, who thought he had it safe. In fact, he'd brought Dawkins to these chambers for that very porpus, think- ing to have him under his eye, and strip him at leisure. My master very soon found out what was Mr. Blewitt's game. Gamblers know gamblers, if not by instink, at least by reputation ; and though Mr. Blewitt moved in a much lower spear than Mr. Deuceace, they knew each other's dealins and caracters puffickly well. " Charles, you scoundrel," says Deuceace to me one day (he always spoak in that kind way), "who is this person that has taken the opsit chambers, and plays the flute so industrusly ? M " It's Mr. Dawkins, a rich young gentleman from Oxford, and a great frend of Mr. Blewittses, sir," says I, "they seem to live in each other's rooms." Master said nothink, but he grirCd — my eye, how he did grin ! Not the fowl find himself could snear more satannickiy. I knew what he meant : Imprimish. A man who plays the floot is a simpleton. Secknly. Mr. Blewitt is a raskle. Thirdmo. When a raskle and a simpleton is always together, and when the simpleton is rich, one knows pretty w r ell what will come of it. I was but a lad in them days, but I knew what was what, as well as my master ; it's not gentlemen only that's up to snough. Law bless us ! there was four of us on this stairkes, four as nice young men as you ever see ; Mr. Brufly's young man, Mr. Dawkinses, Mr. Blewitt's, and me — and we knew what our masters was about as well as they did theirselfs. Frinstanee, I 24 THE MExMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. can say this for myself, there wasn't a paper in Deuceace's desk or drawer, not a bill, a note, or mimerandum, which I hadn't read as well as he : with Blewitt's it was the same — me and his young man used to read 'em all. There wasn't a bottle of wine that we didn't get a glas, nor a pound of sugar that we didn't have some lumps of it. We had keys to all the cubbards — we pipped into all the letters that kem and went — we pored over all the bill-files — we'd the best pickens out of the dinners, the livvers of the fowls, the force-mit balls out of the soup, the egs from the sallit. As for the coals and candles, we left them to the landrisses. Tou may call this robry — nonsince — it's only our rights — a suvvant's purquizzits is as sacred as the laws of Hengland. "Well, the long and short of it is this. Eichard Blewitt, esquire, was sityouated as follows : He'd an incum of three hunderd a-year from his father. Out of this he had to pay one hunderd and ninety for money borrowed by him at collidge, seventy for chambers, seventy more for his hoss, aty for his suvvant on bord wagis, and about three hunderd and fifty for a sepprat establishmint in the Regency Park ; besides this, his pockit money, say a hunderd, his eatin, drinkin, and wine- marchant's bill, about two hunderd moar. So that you see he laid by a pretty handsome sum at the end of the j^ear. My master was difirent; and being a more fashnabble man than Mr. B., in course he owed a deal more money. There was fust: Account contray, at Crockford's . . . £3711 Bills of xchange and I. 0. U.'s (but he didn't pay these in most cases) , . . . 4963 21 tailors' bills, in all 1306 11 9 3 hossdealers' do 402 2 coachbilder 506 Bills contracted at Cambritch . . .. 2193 6 8 Sundries 987 10 £14069 8 5 I give this as a curosity — pipple doant know how in many cases fashnabble life is carried on; and to know even what a real gnlmn owes is somethink instructif'and agreeable. But to my tail. The very day after my master had made the inquiries concerning Mr. Dawkins, witch I mentioned already,. MR. DEUCEACE. 25 he met Mr. Blewitt on the stairs ; and byoutiffle it was to see how this gnlmn, who had before been almost cut by my master, was now received by him. One of the sweatest smiles I ever saw was now vizzable on Mr. Deuceace's countenance. He held out his hand, covered with a white kid glove, and said in the most frenly tone of vice posbill, " "What ? Mr. Blewitt ? It is an age since we met. "What a shame that such near naybors should see each other so seldom ! " Mr. Blewitt, who was standing at his door, in a pe-green dressing-gown, smoakin a segar, and singin a hunting coarus, looked surprised, nattered, and then suspicious. " Why, yes," says he, "it is, Mr. Deuceace, a long time." " Not, I think, since we dined at Sir George Hookey's. By the by, what an evening that was — hay, Mr. Blewitt ? "What wine ! what capital songs ! I recollect your ' May-day in the morning ' — cuss me, the best comick song I ever heard. I was speaking to the Duke of Doncaster about it only yesterday. You know the duke, I think." Mr. Blewitt said, quite surly, "No, I don't." " Not know him ! " cries master ; " why, hang it, Blewitt ! he knows you, as every sporting man in England does, I should think. Why, man, your good things are in everybody's mouth at Newmarket." And so master went on chaffin Mr. Blewitt. That genlmn at fust answered him quite short and angry : but, after a little more numery, he grew as pleased as posbill, took in all Deuce- ace's flatry, and bleeved all his lies. At last the door shut, and they both went into Mr. Blewitt' s chambers together. Of course I can't say what past there ; but in an hour master kem up to his own room as yaller as mustard, and smellin sadly of backo smoke. I never see any genlmn more sick than he was ; he* d been smoakin seagars along with Blewitt. I said nothink, in course, tho' I'd often heard him xpress his borrow of backo, and knew very well he would as soon swallow pizon as smoke. But he wasn't a chap to do a thing without a reason : if he'd been smoakin, I warrant he had smoked to some porpus. I didn't hear the convysation between 'em ; but Mr. Blewitt's man did: it was, — "Well, Mr. Blewitt, what capital seagars! 26 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. Have you one for a friend to smoak ? " (The old fox, it wasn't only the teagars he was a smoakin !) "Walk in," says Mr. Blewitt; and they began a chaffin together; master very ankshous about the young gintleman who had come to live in our chambers, Mr. Dawkins, and always coming back to that subject, — saying that people on the same stairkis ot to be frenly ; how glad he'd be, for his part, to know Mr. Dick Blewitt, and any friend of Ms, and so on. Mr. Dick, howsever, seamed quite aware of the trap laid for him. " I really don't no this Dawkins," says he : " he's a chismonger's son, I hear ; and tho' I've exchanged visits with him, I doant intend to continyou the acquaintance, — not wishin to assoshate with that kind of pipple." So they went on, master fishin, and Mr. Blewitt not wishin to take the hook at no price. " Confound the vulgar thief! " muttard my master, as he was laying on his sophy, after being so very ill ; " I've poisoned myself with his infernal tobacco, and he has foiled me. The cursed swindling boor ! he thinks he'll ruin this poor cheese- monger, does he ? I'll step in, and warn him." I thought I should bust a laffin, when he talked in this style. I knew very well w r hat his " warning " meant, — lockin the stable- door, but stealin the hoss fust. Next day, his strattygam for becoming acquainted with Mr. Dawkins, we exicuted, and very pritty it was. Besides potry and the floot, Mr. Dawkins, I must tell you, had some other parshallities — wiz., he was very fond of good eatin and drinkin. After doddling over his music and boox all day, this young genlmn used to sally out of evenings, dine sumptiously at a tavern, drinkin all sots of wine along with his friend Mr. Blewitt. He was a quiet young fellow enough at fast ; but it was Mr. B. who (for his own porpuses, no doubt,) had got him into this kind of life. Well, I needn't say that he who eats a fine dinner, and drinks too much overnight, wants a bottle of soda-water, and a gril, praps, in the morning. Such was Mr. Dawkinses case ; and reglar almost as twelve o'clock came, the waiter from Dix Cony-House was to be seen on our stairkis, bringing up Mr. D.'s hot breakfast. No man would have thought there was anythink in such a MR. DEUCEACE. 27 trifling cirkumstance ; master did, though, and pounced upon it like a cock on a barlycorn. He sent me out to Mr. Morell's in Pickledilly, for wot's called a Strasbug-pie — in Trench, a "patty defau graw." He takes a card, and nails it on the outside case (patty defaw graws come generally in a round wooden box, like a drumb) ; and what do you think he writes on it ? why, as folios : — " For the Honourable Algernon Percy Deuceace, Sfc. Sfc. Sfc. With Prince Talleyrand's compliments" Prince Tallyram's complimints, indeed! I laff when I think of it, still, the old surpint ! He was a surpint, that Deuceace, and no mistake. "Well, by a most extrornary piece of ill-luck, the nex day punctially as Mr. Dawkinses brexfas was coming up the stairs, Mr. Halgernon Percy Deuceace was going down. He was as gay as a lark, humming an Oppra tune, and twizzting round his head his hevy gold-headed cane. Down he went very fast, and by a most unlucky axdent struck his cane against the waiter's tray, and away went Mr. Dawkinses gril, kayann, kitchup, soda-water, and all ! I can't think how my master should have choas such an exact time ; to be sure, his windo looked upon the cort, and he could see every one who came into our door. As soon as the axdent had took place, master was in such a rage as, to be sure, no man ever was in befor ; he swoar at the waiter in the most dreddfle way ; he threatened him with his stick, and it was only when he see that the waiter was rayther a bigger man than hisself that he was in the least pazzyfied. He returned to his own chambres ; and John, the waiter, went off for more gril to Dixes Coffy-House. "This is a most unlucky axdent, to be sure, Charles," says master to me, after a few minits paws, during witch he had been and wrote a note, put it into an anvelope, and sealed it with his bigg seal of arms. " But stay — a thought strikes me — take this note to Mr. Dawkins, and that pye you brought yesterday ; and hearkye, you scoundrel, if you say where you got it I will break every bone in your skin !" These kind of prommises were among the few which I knew him to keep : and as I loved boath my skinn and my boans, I carried 28 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. the noat, and, of cors, said nothink. "Waiting in Mr. Dawkinses chambus for a few minnits, I returned to my master with an anser. I may as well give both of these documence, of which I happen to have taken coppies. I. "THE HON. A. P. DEUCEACE TO T. S. DAWKINS, ESQ. " Temple, Tuesday. " Mr. Deuceace presents his compliments to Mr. Dawkins. and begs at the same time to offer his most sincere apologies and regrets for the accident which has just taken place. " May Mr. Deuceace be allowed to take a neighbour's privilege, and to remedy the evil he has occasioned to the best of his power ? If Mr. Dawkins will do him the favour to partake of the contents of the accompanying case (from Strasburg direct, and the gift of a friend, on whose taste as a gourmand Mr. Dawkins may rely), perhaps he will fiud that it is not a bad substitute for the plat which Mr. Deuceace's awkwardness destroyed. " It will, also, Mr. Deuceace is sure, be no small gratification to the original donor of the^a^e, when he learns that it has fallen into the hands of so celebrated a Ion vivant as Mr. Dawkins. 11 T. S. Dawkins, Esq.,&c. &c. &c." II. FROM T. S. DAWKINS, ESQ., TO THE HON. A. P. DEUCEACE. " Mr. Thomas Smith Dawkins presents his grateful compli- ments to the Hon. Mr. Deuceace, and accepts with the greatest pleasure Mr. Deuceace's generous proffer. "It would be one of the happiest moments of Mr. Smith Dawkins' s life, if the Hon. Mr. Deuceace would extend his generosity still further, and condescend to partake of the repast which his munificent politeness has furnished. ' ' Temple, Tuesday. " Many and many a time, I say, have I grind over these letters, which I had wrote from the original by Mr. Bruffy's copyin MR. DEUCEACE. 29 dark. Deuceace'3 flam about Prince Tallyram was puffickly suc- cessful. I saw young Dawkins blush with delite as he red the note; he toar up for or five sheets before he composed the answer to it, which was as you red abuff, and roat in a hand quite trembling with pleasyer. If you could but have seen the look of triumph in Deuceace's wicked black eyes, when he read the noat ! I never see a deamin yet, but I can phansy 1, a holding a writhing soal on his pitchfrock, and smilin like Deuceace. He dressed himself in his very best clothes, and in he went, after sending me over to say that he would xcept with pleasyour Mr.Dawkins's invite. The pie was cut up, and a most frenly conversation begun betwixt the two genlmin. Deuceace was quite captivating. He spoke to Mr. Dawkins in the most respeckful and flatrin manner, — agread in every think he said, — prazed his taste, his furniter, his coat, his classick nolledge, and his playin on the floot ; you'd have thought, to hear him, that such a polygon of exlens as Dawkins did not breath, — that such a modist, sinsear, honrabble genlmn as Deuceace was to be seen no where xcept in Pump Cort. Poor Daw was complitly taken in. My master said he'd intro- duce him to the Duke of Doncaster, and Heaven knows how many nobs more, till Dawkins was quite intawsicated with pleasyour. I know as a fac (and it pretty well shows the youug genlmn's carry ter), that he went that very day and ordered 2 new coats, on porpos to be introjuiced to the lords in. But the best joak of all was at last. Singin, swagrin, and swarink — up stares came Mr. Dick Blewitt. He flung open Mr. Dawkins' s door, shouting out, " Daw, my old buck, how are you ?" when, all of a sudden, he sees Mr. Deuceace : his jor dropt, he turned chocky white, and then burnin red, and looked as if a stror would knock him down. " My dear Mr. Blewitt," says my master, smilin, and offring his hand, " how glad I am to see you. Mr. Dawkins and I were just talking about your pony ! Pray sit down." Blewitt did ; and now was the question, who should sit the other out ; but, law bless you ! Mr. Blewitt was no match for my master ; all the time he was fidgetty, silent, and sulky ; on the contry, master was charmin. I never herd such a flo of conver- satin, or so many w r ittacisms as he uttered. At last, completely 30 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. beat, Mr. Blewitt took his leaf; that instant master followed him ; and passin his arm through that of Mr. Dick, led him into our chambers, and began talkin to him in the most affabl and affeckshnat manner. But Dick was too angry to listen ; at last, when master was telling him some long story about the Duke of Doncaster, Blewitt burst out — " A plague on the Duke of Doncaster ! Come, come, Mr. Deuceace, don't you be running your rigs upon me ; I an't the man to be bamboozl'd by long-winded stories about dukes and duchesses. You think I don't know you ; every man knows you, and your line of country. Tes, you're after young Dawkins there, and think to pluck him ; but you shan't, — no, by you shant." (The reader must recklect that the oaths which interspussed Mr. B's convysation I have lift out.) Well, after he'd fired a wolley of em, Mr. Deuceace spoke as cool as possbill. " Heart ye, Blewitt. I know you to be one of the most infernal thieves and scoundrels unhung. If you attempt to hector with me, I will cane you ; if you want more, I'll shoot you ; if you meddle between me and Dawkins, I will do both. I know your whole life, you miserable swindler and coward. I know you have already won two hunderd pounds of this lad, and want all. I will have half, or you never shall have a penny." It's quite true that master knew things ; but how was the wonder. I couldn't see Mr. B's. face during this dialogue, bein on the wrong side of the door ; but there was a considdrable paws after thuse complymints had passed between the two genlmn, — one walkin quickly up and down the room, — tother, angry and stupid sittin down, and stampin with his foot. " ISTow listen to this, Mr. Blewitt," continues master at last ; "if you're quiet, you shall half this fellow's money : but venture to win a shilling from him in my absence, or without my consent, and you do it at your peril." " Well, well, Mr. Deuceace," cries Dick, " it's very hard, and I must say, not fair : the game was of my startin, and you've no right to interfere with my friend." " Mr. Blewitt, you are a fool ! You professed yesterday not to MR. DEUCEACE. 31 know this man, and I was obliged to find him out for myself. I should like to know by what law of honour I am bound to give him up to you? " It was charmin to hear this pair of raskles talkin about honour. 1 declare I could have found it in my heart to warn young Dawkins of the precious way in which these chaps were going to serve him. But if they didn't know what honour was, J did ; and never, never did I tell tails about my masters when in their sarvice — out, in cors, the hobligation is no longer binding. "Well, the nex day there was a gran dinner at our chambers. "White soop, turbit, and lobstir sos ; saddil of Scoch muttn, grous, and M'Arony ; wines, shampang, hock, maderia, a bottle of poart, and ever so many of clarrit. The compny presint was three ; wiz., the Honrabble A. P. Deuceace, E. Blewitt, and Mr. Dawkins, Exquires. My i, how we genlmn in the kitchin did enjy it. Mr. Blewittes man eat so much grous (when it was brot out of the parlor), that I reely thought he would be sik; Mr. Dawkinses gelnmn (who was only abowt 13 years of age) grew so il with M'Arony and plumb-puddn, as to be obleeged to take sefral of Mr. D's. pils, which \ kild him. But this is all promiscuous : I an't talkin of the survants now, but the masters. "Would you bleeve it ? After dinner and praps 8 bottles of wine between the 3, the genlm sat down to ecarty. It's a game where only 2 plays, and where, in coarse, when there's ony 3, one looks on. Fust, they playd crown pints, and a pound the bett. At this game they were wonderful equill ; and about supper-time (when grilled am, more shampang, devld biskits, and other things, was brot in) the play stood thus : Mr. Dawkins had won 2 pounds ; Mr. Blewitt, 30 shillings ; the Honrabble Mr. Deuceace having lost SI. 10s. After the devvle and the shampang the play was a little higher. Now it was pound pints, and five pound the bet. I thought, to be sure, after hearing the complymints between Blewitt and master in the morning, that now poor Dawkins's time was come. Not so : Dawkins won always, Mr. B. betting on his play, and giving him the very best of advice. At the end of the evening (which was abowt five o'clock the nex morning) they stopt. Master was counting up the skore on a card. 32 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. " Blewitt," says lie, " I've been unlucky. I owe you — let me see — yes, five-and-forty pounds ? " " Five-and-forty," says Blewitt, " and no mistake ! " " I will give you a cheque," says the honrabble genlmn. " Oh ! don't mention it, my dear sir ! " But master got a grate sheet of paper, and drew him a check on Messeers. Pump, Algit, and Co., his bankers. " Now," says master, " I've got to settle with you, my dear Mr. Dawkins. If you had backd your luck, I should have owed you a very handsome sum of money. Voyons, thirteen points at a pound — it is easy to calculate ; " and drawin out his puss, he clinked over the table 13 goolden suverings, which shon till they made my eyes wink. So did pore Dawkinses, as he put out his hand, all trembling, and drew them in. " Let me say," added master, "let me say (and I've had some little experience), that you are the very best ecarte player with whom I ever sat down." Dawkinses eyes glissened as he put the money up, and said, "Law, Deuceace, you natter me." Matter him ! I should think he did. It was the very think which master ment. "But mind you, Dawkins," continyoud he, " I must have my revenge ; for I'm ruined — positively ruined — by your luck." "Well, well, " says Mr. Thomas Smith Dawkins, as pleased as if he had gained a millium, " shall it be to-morrow ? Blewitt, what say you ?" Mr. Blewitt agreed, in course. My master, after a little demurring, consented too. ""We'll meet," says he, "at your chambers. But mind, my dear fello, not too much wine : I can't stand it at any time, especially when I have to play ecarte with yow." Pore Dawkins left our rooms as happy as a prins. " Here, Charles," says he, and flung me a sovring. Pore fellow! pore fellow ! I knew what was a comin ! But the best of it was, that these 13 sovrings which Dawkins won, master had borroioed them from Mr. Blewitt ! I brought MR. DEUCEACE. 33 'em, with 7 more, from that young genlmn's chambers that very morning : for, since his interview with master, Blewitt had nothing to refuse him. "Well, shall I continue the tail? If Mr.' Dawkins had been the least bit wiser, it would have taken him six months befoar he lost his money ; as it was, he was such a confounded ninny, that it took him a very short time to part with it. Nex day (it was Thursday, and master's acquaintance with Mr. Dawkins had only commenced on Tuesday), Mr. Dawkins, as I said, gev his party, — dinner at 7. Mr. Blewitt and the two Mr. D.'s as befoar. Play begins at 11. This time I knew the bisniss was pretty serious, for we suvvants was packed off to bed at 2 o'clock. On Friday, I went to chambers — no master — he kern in for 5 minutes at about 12, made a little toilit, ordered more devvles and soda-water, and back again he went to Mr. Dawkins's. They had dinner there at 7 again, but nobody seamed to eat, for all the vittles came out to us genlmn : they had in more wine though, and must have drunk at least 2 dozen in the 36 hours. At ten o'clock, however, on Friday night, back my master came to his chambers. I saw him as I never saw him before, namly, reglar drunk. He staggered about the room, he danced, he hickipd, he swoar, he llung me a heap of silver, and, finely, he sunk down exosted on his bed ; I pullin off his boots and close, and making him comfrabble. "When I had removed his garmints, I did what it's the duty of every servant to do — I emtied his pockits, and looked at his pockit-book and all his letters : a number of axdents have been prevented that way. I found there, among a heap of things, the following pretty dockyment : I. 0. u. £4700. Thomas Smith Bawkixs. Friday, luth January. 34 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. There was another bit of paper of the same kind — " I. O. IT.' four hundred pounds, Richard Blewitt : " but this, in cors, ment nothink. ***** Nex mornin, at nine, master was up, and as sober as a judg. He drest, and was off to Mr. Dawkins. At 10, he ordered a cab, and the two genlmn went together. " Where shall he drive, sir ?" says I. " Oh, tell him to drive to the Bank." Pore Dawkins ! his eyes red with remors and sleepliss drunken- niss, gave a shudder and a sob, as he sunk back in the wehicle ; and they drove on. That day he sold out every hapny he was worth, xcept five hundred pounds. ***** Abowt 12 master had returned, and Mr. Dick Blewitt came stridin up the stairs with a solium and important hair. " Is your master at home ? " says he. " Yes, sir," says I ; and in he walks. I, in coars, with my ear to the keyhole, listning with all my mite. " "Well," says Blewitt, " we maid a pretty good night of it, Mr. Deuceace. You've settled, I see, with Dawkins." " Settled !" says master. " Oh, yes — yes — I've settled with him." " Four thousand seven hundred, I think ?" « About that— yes." "That makes my share — let me see — two thousand three hundred and fifty ; which I'll thank you to fork out." " Upon my word — why — Mr. Blewitt," says master, " I don't really understand what you mean." " You dorit know ivhat I mean ! " says Blewitt, in an axent such as I never before heard ; " You don't know what I mean ! Did you not promise me that we were to go shares ? Didn't I lead you twenty sovereigns the other night to pay our losings to Dawkins ? Didn't you swear, on your honour as a gentleman, to give me half of all that might be won in this affair ?" "Agreed, sir," says. Deuceace ; "agreed." " Well, sir, and now what have you to say ?" " Why, that I don't intend to keep my promise! You infernal "THE DAIRY OF GEORGE IV." 35 fool and ninny ! do you suppose I was labouring for you ? Do you fancy I was going to the expense of giving a dinner to that jackass yonder, that you should profit by it ? Get away, sir ! Leave the room, sir ! Or, stop — here — I will give you four hundred pounds — your own note of hand, sir, for that sum, if you will consent to forget all that has passed between us, and that you have never known Mr. Algernon Deuceace." I've seen pipple angery before now, but never any like Blewitt. He stormed, groaned, belloed, swoar ! At last, he fairly began blubbring ; now cussing and nashing his teeth, now praying dear Air. Deuceace to grant him mercy. At last, master flung open the door (Heavn bless us ! it's well I didn't tumble, hed over eels, into the room !), and said, " Charles, show the gentleman down stairs!" My master looked at him quite steddy. Blewitt slunk down, as misrabble as any man I ever see. As for Dawkins, Heaven knows where he was ! ***** " Charles," says my master to me, about an hour afterwards, " I'm going to Paris ; you may come, too, if you please." SKIMMINGS EEOM "THE DAIET OF GEOEGE IV." — ♦ — CHARLES TELLOWPLUSn, ESQ., TO OLIVER TORKE, ESQ.* Dear "Why, — Takin advantage of the Crismiss holydays, Sir John and me (who is a member of parlyment) had gone down to our place in Yorkshire for six wicks, to shoot grows and wood- cox, and enjoy old English hospatalaty. This ugly Canady bisniss unluckaly put an end to our sports in the country, and brot us up to Buekly Square as fast as four posterses could gallip. When there, I found your parcel, containing the two vollumes of a new book, witch, as I have been away from the literary world, and emplied solely in athlatic exorcises, have been laying neglected in * These Memoirs were originally published in Frazer's Magazine, and it may he stated for the benefit of the unlearned in such matters, that " Oliver Yorke " is the assumed name of the editor of that periodical. D 2 86 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. my pantry, among my knife-cloaths, and dekanters, and blacking- bottles, and bed-room candles, and things. This will, I'm sure, account for my delay in notussing the work. I see sefral of the papers and magazeens have been befoarhand with me, and have given their apinions concerning it : specially the Quotly Bevew, which has most mussilessly cut to peases the author of this Dairy of the Times of George IV* That it's a woman who wrote it is evydent from the style of the writing, as well as from certain proofs in the book itself. Most suttnly a femail wrote this Dairy ; but who this Dairy-maid may be, I, in coarse, cant conjecter : and indeed, common galliantry forbids me to ask. I can only judge of the book itself, which, it appears to me, is clearly trenching upon my ground and favrite subjicks, viz. fashnabble life, as igsibited in the houses of the nobility, gentry, and rile fammly. But I bare no mallis — infamation is infamation, and it doesn't matter where the infamy comes from ; and whether the Dairy be from that distinguished pen to witch it is ornarily attributed — whether, I say, it comes from a lady of honor to the late quean, or a scullion to that diftunct majisty, no matter ; all we ask is nollidge, never mind how we have it. Nollidge, as our cook says, is like trikel-possit — its always good, though you was to drink it out of an old shoo. "Well, then, although this Dairy is likely searusly to injur my pussonal intrests, by fourstalling a deal of what I had to say in my private memoars — though many, many guineas, is taken from my pockit, by cuttin short the tail of my narratif — though much that I had to say in souperior languidge, greased w r ith all the ellygance of my orytory, the benefick of my classicle reading, the chawms of my agreble wit, is thus abruply brot befor the world by an inferior genus, neither knowing nor writing English, yet I say, that nevertheless I must say, what I am puffickly pre- paired to say, to gainsay which no man can say a word — yet I * Diary illustrative of the Times of George the Fourth, interspersed with original Letters from the late Queen Caroline, and from various other distinguished Persons. "Tot ou tard, tout se sr-ait." — Maintknon. fn 2 vols. London, 1838. Henry Colburn. "THE DAIRY OF GEORGE IV." 37 say, that I say I consider this publication welkom. Far from viewing it with enfy, I greet it with applaws ; because it increases that most exlent specious of nollidge, I mean " Fasiixabble Nollidge;" compavred to witch all other nollidge is nonsince — a bag of goold to a pare of snuffers. Could Lord Broom, on the Canady question, say moar ? or say what he had to say better? "We are marters, both of us, to prinsple ; and every body who knows eather knows that we would sacrafice anythink rather than that. Fashion is the goddiss I adoar. This delightful work is an offring on her srine ; and as sich all her wushippers are bound to hail it. Here is not a question of trumpry lords and honrabbles, generals and barronites, but the crown itself, and the king and queen's actions ; witch may be considered as the crown jewels. Here's princes, and grand-dukes and airsparent, and Heaven knows what; all with blood-royal in their veins, and their names mentioned in the very fust page of the peeridge. In this book you become so intmate with the Prince of AVales, that you may follow him, if you please, to his marridge-bed ; or, if you prefer the Princiss Charlotte, you may have with her an hour's tator-tator.* Now, though most of the remarkable extrax from this book have been given already (the cream of the Dairy, as I wittily say), I shall trouble you, nevertheless, with a few ; partly because they can't be repeated too often, and because the toan of obsyvation with witch they have been genrally received by the press, is not igsackly such as I think they merit. How, indeed, can these common magaseen and newspaper pipple know anythink of fashnabble life, let alone ryal ? Conseaving, then, that the publication of the Dairy has done reel good on this scoar, and may probly do a deal moor, I shall look through it, for the porpus of selecting the most ellygant passidges, and which I think may be peculiarly adapted to the reader's benefick. For you see, my dear Mr. Yorke, that in the fust place, that this is no common catchpny book, like that of most authors and authoresses who write for the base looker of gain. Heaven bless * Our estimable correspondent means, we presume, tctc-tt-tcte. — 0. Y. 38 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. ycu ! the Dairy-maid is above anything musnary. She is a woman of rank, and no mistake ; and is as much above doin a common or vulgar action as I am superaor to taking beer after dinner with my cheese. She proves that most satisfackarily, as we see in the following passidge : — a Her royal highness came to me, and having spoken a few phrases on different subjects, produced all the papers she wishes to have published : her whole correspondence with the prince relative to Lady J 's dismissal ; his subse- quent neglect of the princess ; and, finally, the acquittal of her supposed guilt, signed by the Duke of Portland, &c, at the time of the secret inquiry : when, if proof could have been brought against her, it certainly would have been done ; and which acquittal, to the disgrace of all parties concerned, as well as to the justice of the nation in general, was not made public at the time. A com- mon criminal is publicly condemned or acquitted. Her royal highness commanded me to have these letters published forthwith, saying, 'You may sell them for a great siim.' At first (for she had spoken to me before concerning this business), I thought of availing myself of the opportunity ; but upon second thoughts, I turned from this idea with detestation : for, if I do wrong by obeying her wishes and endeavouring to serve her, I will do so at least from good and disinterested motives, not from any sordid views. The princess commands me, and I will obey her, whatever may be the issue ; but not for fare or fee. I own I tremble, not so much for myself, as for the idea that she is not taking the best and most dignified way of having these papers published. Why make a secret of it at all'? If wrong it should not be done ; if right it should be done openly, and in the face of her enemies. In her royal highness's case, a3 in that of wronged princes in general, why do they shrink from straightforward dealings, and rather have recourse to crooked policy 1 I wish, in this particular instance, I could make her royal highness feel thus : but she is naturally indignant at being falsely accused, and will not condescend to an avowed explanation." Can anythink be more just and honrabble than this? The Dairy-lady is quite fair and abovebored. A clear stage, says she, and no faviour ! " I won't do behind my back what I am ashamed of before my face : not I !" No more she does ; for you see that, though she was offered this many scrip by the princess for nothink, though she knew that she could actially get for it a large sum of money, she was above it, like an honest, noble, grateful, fashnabble woman, as she was. She aboars secrecy, and never will have recors to disguise or crookid polacy. This ought to be an ansure to them Radicle sneerers, who pretend that they are the equals of fashnabble pepple ; whereas it's a well-known fact, that the vulgar roa£ues have no notion of honour. "THE DAIRY OF GEORGE IV." 39 And after this positif declaration, which reflex honor on her ladyship (long life to her ! I've often waited behind her chair !) — after this positif declaration, that, even for the porpus of defending her missis, she was so hi-mindid as to refuse anythink like a peculiarly consideration, it is actially asserted in the public prints by a booxeller, that he has given her a thousand -pound for the Dairy. A thousand pound ! nonsince ! — it's a pkignient ! a base lible ! This woman take a thousand pound, in a matter where her dear mistriss, frend, and benyfactriss was concerned ! Never ! A thousand baggonits would be more prefrabble to a woman of herxqizzit feelins and fashion. But, to proseed. It's been objected to me, when I wrote some of my expearunces in fashnabble life, that my languidge was occasionally vulgar, and not such as is generally used in those exquizzit famlies which I frequent. Now, I'll lay a wager that there is in this book-, wrote as all the world knows, by a rele lady, and speakin of kings and queens as if they were as common as sand-boys — there is in this book more wulgarity than ever I dis- played, more nastiness than ever I would dare to think on, and more bad grammar than ever I wrote since I was a boy at school. As for authografy, evry genlmn has bis own : never mind spellin, I say, so long as the sence is right. Let me here quot a letter from a corryspondent of this charming lady of honour ; and a very nice corryspondent he is, too, without any mistake : "Lady , poor Lady ■ ! knows the rules of prudence, I fear me, as imperfectly as she doth those of the Greek and Latin Grammars : or she hath let her brother, who is a sad swine, become master of her secrets, and then contrived to quarrel with him. You would see the outline of the melange in the newspapers ; but not the report that Mr. S is about to publish a pamphlet, as an addition to the Harleian Tracts, setting forth the amatory adventures of his sister. "VVe shall break our necks in haste to buy it, of course crying ■ Shameful ' all the while ; and it is said that Lady is to be cut, which I cannot entirely believe. Let her tell two or three old women about town that they are young and handsome, and give some well-timed parties, and she may still keep the society which she hath been used to. The times are not so hard as they once were, when a woman could not construe Magna Charta with anything like impunity. People were full as gallant many years ago. But the days are gone by wherein my lord-protector of the com- monwealth of England was wont to go a love-making to Mrs. Fleetwood, with the Bible under his arm. 40 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. "And so Miss Jacky Gordon is really clothed with a husband at last, and Miss Laura Manners left without a mate ! She and Lord Stair should marry and have children, in mere revenge. As to Miss Gordon, she's a Venus well Buited for such a Vulcan, — whom nothing but money and a title could have rendered tolerable, even to a kitchen wench. It is said that the matrimonial correspondence between this couple is to be published, full of sad scandalous relations, of which j-ou may be sure scarcely a word is true. In former times, the Duchess of St. A 's made use of these elegant epistles in order to inti- midate Lady Johnstone : but that ruse would not avail ; so in spite, they are to be printed. What a cargo of amiable creatures ! Yet will some people scarcely believe in the existence of Pandemonium. " Tuesday morning. — You are perfectly right respecting the hot rooms here, which we all cry out against, and all find very comfortable — much more so than the cold sands and bleak neighbourhood of the sea ; which looks vastly well in one of Vander Velde's pictures hung upon crimson damask, but hideous and shocking in reality. H and his ' elle ' (talking of parties) were last night at Cholmondeley House, but seem not to ripen in their love. He is certainly good-humoured, and I believe, good-hearted, so deserves a good wife ; but his cam seems a genuine London miss, made up of many affectations. Will she form a comfortable helpmate ! For me, I like not her origin, and deem many strange things to run in blood, besides madness and the Hanoverian evil. " Thursday. — I verily do believe that I shall never get to the end of this small sheet of paper, so many unheard of interruptions have I had ; and now I have been to Vauxhall, and caught the tooth-ache. I was of Lady E. B m and H 's party : very dull — the Lady giving us all a supper after our promenade — 'Much ado was there, God wot She would love, but he would not.' He ate a great deal of ice, although he did not seem to require it; and she *faisoit les yeux doux, 1 enough not only to have melted all the ico which he swal lowed, but his own hard heart into the bargain. The thing will not do. In the mean time, Miss Long hath become quite cruel to Wellesley Pole, and divides her favour equally between Lords Kill eon and Kil worth, two as simple Irishmen as ever gave birth to a bull. I wish to Hymen that she were fairly married, for all this pother gives one a disgusting picture of human nature." A disgusting pictur of human nature, indeed — and isn't lie who moralises about it, and she to whom he writes, a couple of pretty heads in the same piece ? "Which, Mr. Torke, is the wust, the scandle or the scandle-mongers ? See what it is to be a moral man of fashn. Fust, he scrapes togither all the bad' stoaries about all the people of his acquentance — he goes to a ball, and lafts or snears at everybody there — he is asked to a dinner, and brings away, along with meat and wine to his heart's content, a sour stomick filled with nasty stories of all the people present there. "THE DAIRY OF GEORGE IV." 41 He has such a squeamish appytite, that all the world seems to disagree with him. And what has he got to say to his dellicatc female frend ? Why that— Fust. Mr. S. is going to publish indescent stoaries about Lady O , his sister, which everybody's goin to by. JN"ex. That Miss Gordon is going to be cloathed with an usband ; and that all their matrimonial corryspondins is to be published too. 3. That Lord II. is goin to be married ; but there's something rong, in his wife's blood. 4. Miss Long has cut Mr. Wcllcsley, and is gone after two Irish lords. Wooden you phancy, now, that the author of such a letter, instead of writin about pipple of tip-top qualaty was describin Vinegar Yard ? AYould you beleave that the lady he was a ritin to was a chased, modist lady of honour, and mother of a famly ? O trumpery ! morris ! as Homer says, this is a higeous pictur of manners, such as I weap to think of, as evry morl man must weap. The above is one pritty pictur of m early fashnabble life : what follows is about families even higher situated than the most fashnabble. Here we have the princessregient, her daughter the Princess Sharlot, her grandmamma the old quean, and her madjisty daughters the two princesses. If this is not high life, I don't know where it is to be found; and it's pleasing to see what affeckshn and harmny rains in such an exolted spear. "Sunday 2£l7i. — Yesterday, the princess went to meet the Princess Charlotte at Kensington. Lady told me that, when the latter arrived, she rushed up to her mother, aud said, 'For God's sake, he civil to her,' meaning the Duchess of Leeds, who followed her. Lady said she felt sorry for the latter ; but when the Princess of Wales talked to her, she soon became so free and easy, that one could not have any feeling about her feelings. Princess Charlotte, I was told, was looking handsome, very pale, but her head more becomingly dressed, — that is to say, less dressed than usual. Her figure is of that full round shape which is now in its prime ; but she disfigures herself by wearing her boddice so short, that she literally has no waist. Her feet are very pretty ; and so are her hands aud arms, and her ears, and the shape of her head. Her countenance is expressive, when she allows her passions to play upon it ; and I never saw any face, with so little shade, express so many powerful and varied emotions. Lady told me that the Princess Charlotte talked to her about her situation, and said, in a very quiet, but determined 42 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. way, she would not hear it, and that as soon as parliament met, she intended to come to Warwick House, and remain there ; that she was also determined not to consider the Duchess of Leeds as her governess but only as her first lady. She made many observations on other persons and subjects; and appears to be very quick, very penetrating, but imperious and wilful. There is a tone of romance, too, in her character, which will only serve to mislead her. "She told her mother that there had been a great battle at Windsor between the queen and the prince, the former refusing to give up Miss Knight from her own person to attend on Princess Charlotte as sub-governess. But the prince- regent had gone to Windsor himself, and insisted on her doing so ; and the • old Beguin ' was forced to submit, but has been ill ever since : and Sir Henry Halford declared it was a complete breaking up of her constitution — to the great delight of the two princesses, who were talking about this affair. Miss Knight was the very person they wished to have ; they think they can do as they like with her. It has been ordered that the Princess Charlotte should not see her mother alone for a single moment ; but the latter went into her room, stuffed a pair of large shoes full of papers, and having given them to her daughter, she went home. Lady told me every thing was written down and sent to Mr. Brougham next day." See what diskcord will creap even into the best regulated famlies. Here are six of 'em — viz., the quean and her two daughters, her son, and his wife and daughter ; and the manner in which they hate one another is a eompleat puzzle. his mother. The Prince hates < his wife. his daughter. Princess Charlotte hates her father. Princess of Wales hates her husband. ; The old quean, by their squobbles, is on the pint of death ; and her two jewtiful daughters are delighted at the news. "What a happy, fashnabble, Christian famly ! O Mr. Yorke, Mr. Yorke, if this is the way in the drawin rooms, I'm quite content to live below, in pease and charaty with all men ; writin, as I am now, in my pantry, or els havin a quite game at cards in the servants- all. "With us there's no bitter, wicked, quarling of this sort. We don't hate our children, or bully our mothers, or wish em ded when they're sick, as this Dairy-woman says kings and queans do. When we're writing to our friends or sweethearts, we don't fill our letters with nasty stoaries, takin away the carricter of our fellow-servants, as this maid of honour's amusin, moral, frend does. But, in coarse, its not for us to judge of our "THE DAIRY OF GEORGE IV." 43 betters ;— these great people are a supearur race, and wo can't comprehend their ways. Do you recklect — it's twenty years ago now — how a bewtifne priucess died in givin buth to a poar baby, and how the whole nation of Hengland wep, as though it was one man, over that sweet woman and child, in which were sentered the hopes of every one of us, and of which each was as proud as of his own wife or infut ? Do, you recklet how pore fellows spent their last shillin to buy a black crape for their hats, and clergymen cried in the pulpit, and the whole country through was no better than a great dismal funeral ? Do you recklect, Mr. Yorke, who was the person that we all took on so about ? We called her the Princis Sharlot of Wales ; and we valyoud a single drop of her blood more than the whole heartless body of her father. Well, we looked up to her as a kind of saint or angle, and blest God (such foolish loyal English pipple as we ware in those days) who had sent this sweet lady to rule over us. But Heaven bless you ! it was only souperstition. She was no better than she should be, as it turns out — or at least the Dairy-maid says so — no better ? — if my daughters or yours was \ so bad, we'd as leaf be dead ourselves, and they hanged. But listen to this pritty charritable story, and a truce to reflexshuns : — "Sunday, January 9, 1814. — Yesterday, according to appointment, I went to Princess Charlotte. Found at Warwick House the harp-player, Dizzi ; was asked to remain and listen to his performance, but was talked to during the whole time, which completely prevented all possibility of listening to the music. The Duchess of Leeds and her daughter were in the room, but left it soon. Xext arrived Miss Knight, who remained all the time I was there. Princess Charlotte was very gracious — showed me all her bonny dyes, as B would have called them — pictures, and cases, and jewels, &c. She talked in a very desultory way, and it would be difficult to say of what. She observed her mother was in very low spirits. I asked her how she supposed she could be otherwise ? This questioning answer saves a great deal of trouble, and serves two purposes — i. e. avoids committing oneself, or giving offence by silence. There was hung in the apartment one portrait, amongst others, that very much resembled the Duke of D . I asked Miss Knight whom it represented. She said that was not known ; it had been supposed a likeness of the Pretender, when young. This answer suited my thoughts so comically I could have laughed, if one ever did at courts anything but the contrary of what one was inclined to do. " Princess Charlotte has a very great variety of expression in her counte- U THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. nance — a play of features, and a force of muscle, rarely seen in connection with such soft and shadeless colouring. Her hands and arms are beautiful ; but I think her figure is already gone, and will soon be precisely like her mother's in short it is the very picture of her, and not in miniature. I could not help analysing my own sensations during the time I was with her, and thought more of them than I did of her. Why was I at all flattered, at all more amused, at all more supple to this young princess, than to her who is only the same sort of person set in the shade of circumstances and of years ? It is that youth, and the approach of power, and the latent views of self-interest, sway the heart and dazzle the understanding. If this is so with a heart not, I trust, corrupt, and a head not particularly formed for interested calculations, what effect must not the same causes produce on the generality of mankind ! " In the course of the conversation, the Princess Charlotte contrived to edge in a good deal of tum-de-dy, and would, if I had entered into the thing, have gone on with it, while looking at a little picture of herself, which had about thirty or forty different dresses to put over it, done on isinglass, and which allowed the general colouring of the picture to be seen through its trans- parency. It was, I thought, a pretty enough conceit, though rather like dressing up a doll. ' Ah ! ' said Miss Knight, ' I am not content though, madame — for I yet should have liked one more dress — that of the favourite Sultana.' " ' No, no ! ' said the princess, ' I never was a favourite, and never can be one,' — looking at a picture which she said was her father's, but which I do not believe was done for the regent any more than for me, but represented a young man in a hussar's dress — probably a former favourite. " The Princess Charlotte seemed much hurt at the little notice that was taken of her birthday. After keeping me for two hours and a half she dis- missed me ; and I am sure I could not say what she said, except that it was an olio of decousus and heterogeneous things, partaking of the characteristics of her mother, grafted on a younger scion. I dined tete-a-tete with my dear old aunt ; hers is always a sweet and soothing society to me." There's a pleasing, lady-like, moral extrack for you ! An inno- cent young thing of fifteen has picturs of two lovers in her room, and expex a good number more. This dellygate young creature edges in a good deal of tumdedy (I can't find it in Johnson's Dixonary), and would have gone on with the thing (ellygence of languidge), if the dairy-lady would have let her. Now, to tell you the truth, Mr. Yorke, I doant Deleave a single syllible of this story. This lady of homier says, in the fust place, that the princess would have talked a good deal of tumdedy : which means, I suppose, indeasnsy, if she, the lady of honner would have let her. This is a good one ! "Why, she lets every "THE DAIRY OF GEORGE IV." 45 body else talk tumdedy to their hearts' content ; she lets her friends write tumdedy, and, after keeping it for a quarter of a sentry, she prints it. Why, then, be so squeamish about hearing a little ! And, then, there's the stoary of the two portricks. This woman has the honner to be received in the frendlyest manner by a British princess ; and what does the grateful loyal creature do ? 2 picturs of the princess's relations are hanging in her room, and the dairy-woman swears away the poor young princess's carrickter, by swearing they are picturs of her lovers. For shame, oh, for shame ! you slanderin backbitin dairy-woman you ! If you told all them things to your " dear old aunt," on going to dine with her, you must have had very " sweet and soothing society," indeed. I had marked out many moar extrax, which I intended to write about ; but I think I have said enough about this Dairy : in fack, the butler, and the gals in the servants' hall are not well pleased that I should go on readin this naughty book ; so we'll have no more of it, only one passidge about Pollytics, witch is sertnly quite new : — "No one was so likely to be able to defeat Bonaparte as the Crown Prince, from the intimate knowledge he possessed of his character. Bernadotte was also instigated against Bonaparte by one who not only owed him a personal hatred, but who possessed a mind equal to his, and who gave the Crown Prince both information and advice how to act. This was no less a person than Madame de Stiiel. It was not, as some have asserted, that she was in love with Berna- dotte ; for, at tho time of their intimacy, Madame de Stiiel was in love with Jlocca. But she used her influence (which was not small), with the Crown Prince, to make him fight against Bonaparte, and to her wisdom may be attri- buted much of the success which accompanied his attack upon him. Berna- dotte has raised the flame of liberty, which seems fortunately to blaze all around. May it liberate Europe ; and from the ashes of the laurel may olive branches spring up, and overshadow the earth ! " There's a discuvery ! that the overthrow of Boneypart is owing to Madame de Stud! "What nonsince for Colonel Southey or Doctor Napier to write histories of the war with that Capsican hupstart and murderer, when here we have the whole affair explaned by the lady of honour ! " Sunday, April 10, 1814. — The incidents which take place every hour are miraculous. Bonaparte is deposed, but alive ; subdued, but allowed to choose AG THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. his place of residence. The island of Elba is the spot he has selected for his ignominious retreat. France is holding forth repentant arms to her banished sovereign. The Poissardes who dragged Louis XVI. to the scaffold are pre- senting flowers to the Emperor of Russia, the restorer of their legitimate king ! What a stupendous field for philosophy to expatiate in ! What an endless material for thought ! What humiliation to the piide of mere human great- ness ! How are the mighty fallen ! Of all that was great in Napoleon, what remains ? Despoiled of his usurped power, he sinks to insignificance. There was no moral greatness in the man. The meteor dazzled, scorched, is put out, — utterly, and for ever. But the power which rests in those who have delivered the nations from bondage, is a power that is delegated to them from Heaven ; and the manner in which they have used it is a guarantee for its continuance. The Duke of Wellington has gained laurels unstained by any useless flow of blood. He has done more than conquer others — he has conquered himself : and in the midst of the blaze and flush of victory, sur- rounded by the homage of nations, he has not been betrayed into the commission of any act of cruelty or wanton offence. He was as cool and self- possessed under the blaze and dazzle of fame as a common man would be under the shade of his garden-tree, or by the hearth of his home. But the tyrant who kept Europe in awe is now a pitiable object for scorn to point the finger of derision at : and humanity shudders as it remembers the scourge with which this man's ambition was permitted to devastate every home tie, and every heartfelt joy." And now, after this sublime passidge, as full of awfle reflec- tions and pious sentyments as those of Mrs. Cole in the play, I shall only quot one little extrak more : — * All goes gloomily with the poor princess. Lady Charlotte Campbell told me she regrets not seeing all these curious personages ; but she says, the more the princess is forsaken, the more happy she is at having offered to attend her at this time. TJds is very amiable in her, and cannot fail to be gratifying to the princess." So it is — wery amiable, wery kind and considdrate in her, indeed. Poor Princess ; how lucky you was to find a frend who loved you for your own sake, and when all the rest of the wuld turned its back kep steady to you. As for beleaving that Lady Sharlot had any hand in this book,* Heaven forbid ! she is all gratitude, pure gratitude, depend upon it. She would not go for to blacken her old frend and patron's carrickter, after having * The "authorised" announcement, in the John Bull newspaper, sets this question at rest. It is declared that her ladyship is not the writer of the Diary.— 0. Y. MR. DEUCEACE. 47 been so outragusly faithful to her ; she wouldn't do it, at no price, depend upon it. How sorry she must be that others an't quite so squemish, and show up in this indesent way the follies of her kind, genrus, foolish bennyfactris ! TOEING PAETS. It was a singular proof of my master's modesty, that though he had won this andsome sum of Mr. Dawkins, and was inclined to be as extravygant and osntatious as any man I ever seed, yet, wen he determined on going to Paris, he didn't let a single frend know of all them winnings of his, didn't acquaint my Lord Crabs, his father, that he was about to leave his natiff shoars — neigh — didn't even so much as call together his tradesmin, and pay off their little bills befor his departure. On the contry, "Chawles," said he to me, "stick a piece of paper on my door," which is the way that lawyers do, " and write * Back at seven ' upon it." Back at seven I wrote, and stuck it on our outer oak. And so mistearus was Deuceace about his continental tour (to all except me), that when the landriss brought him her account for the last month (amountain, at the very least, to 21. 10s.), master told her to leave it till Monday mornin, when it should be properly settled. It's extrodny how ickonomical a man becomes, when he's got five thousand lbs. in his pockit. Back at 7 indeed ! At 7 we were a roalin on the Dover Eoad, in the Eeglator Coach — master inside, me out. A strange com- pany of people there was, too, in that wehicle, — 3 sailors; an Italyin, with his music-box and munky; a missionary, going to convert the heathens in Prance ; 2 oppra girls (they call 'em figure-aunts), and the figure-aunts' mothers inside ; 4 Prenchmin, with gingybred caps, and mustashes, singing, chattering, and jesticklating in the most vonderful vay. Such compliments as passed between them and the figure-aunts ! such a munchin of biskits and sippin of brandy ! such mong Jews, and O sacrrres, and kill fay frwaws ! I didn't understand their languidge at 43 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. that time, so of course can't igsplain much of their conwersa- tion; but it pleased me, nevertheless, for now I felt that I •was reely going into foring parts, which, ever sins I had had any edication at all, was always my fondest wish. Heavin bless us ! thought I, if these are specimeens of all Frenchmen, what a set they must be. The pore Italy in' s monky, sittin mopin and meluncolly on his box was not half so ugly, and seamed quite as reasonabble. "Well, we arrived at Dover — Ship Hotel — weal cutlets half a ginny, glas of ale a shilling, glas of neagush, half-a-crownd, a hapn'y-worth of wax-lites four shillings, and so on. But master paid without grumbling ; as long as it was for himself he never minded the expens : and nex day we embarked in the packit for Balong sir-mare — which means in French, the town of Balong sityouated on the sea. I who had heard of foring wonders, ex- pected this to be the fust and greatest : phansy, then, my disapint- ment, when we got there, to find this Balong, not situated on the sea, but on the shoar. But, oh! the gettin there was the bisniss. How I did wish for Pump Court agin, as we were tawsing abowt in the Channel ! Gentle reader, av you ever been on the otion ? — " The sea, the sea, the open sea!" as Barry Cromwell says. As soon as we entered our little vessel, and I'd looked to master's luggitch and mine (mine was rapt up in a very small hankercher), as soon, I say, as we entered our little wessel, as soon as I saw the waives, black and frothy, like fresh drawn porter, a dashin against the ribbs of our galliant bark, the keal like a wedge, splittin the billoes in two, the sales a flaffin in the hair, the standard of Hengland floating at the mask-head, the steward a getting ready the basins and things, the capting proudly tredding the deck and giving orders to the salers, the white rox of Albany and the bathin- masheens disappearing in the distans — then, then I felt, for the first time, the mite, the madgisty of existence. " Yellowplush, my boy," said I, in a dialogue with myself, " your life is now about to commens — your carear, as a man, dates from your entrans on board this packit. Be wise, be manly, be cautious, forgit the follies of your youth. You are no longer a boy now, but a foot- man. Throw down your tops, your marbles, your boyish games MR. DEUCEACK. 49 — throw off your childish habbits with your inky clerk's jackit — throw up your — " * * ♦ * * Here, I recklecfc, I was obleeged to stopp. A fealin, in the fust place singlar, iu the next place painful, and at last compleatly overpowering, had come upon me while I was making the abuff speach, and now I found myself in a sityouation which Dellixy for Bids me to describe. Suffis to say, that now I dixcovered what basins was made for — that for many, many hours, I lay in a hagony of exostion, dead to all intense and porpuses, the rain pattering in my face, the salers tramplink over my body — the panes of purgatory going on inside. When we'd been about four hours in this sityouation (it seam'd to me four ears), the steward comes to that part of the deck where we servants were all hud- dled up together, and calls out " Charles ! " " Well," says I, gurgling out a faint " yes, what's the matter ? " "You're wanted." "Where?" "Tour master's wcry ill," says he, with a grin. " Master be hanged ! " says I, turning round more misrable than ever. I woodn't have moved that day for twenty thousand masters — no, not for the Empror of Eussia or the Pop of Boom. Well, to cut this sad subjik short ? many and many a voyitch have I sins had upon what Shakspur calls "the wasty dip," but never such a retched one as that from Dover to Balong, in the year Anna Domino IS 18. Steamers were scarce in those days ; and our journey was made in a smack. At last, when I was in a stage of despare and exostion as reely to phansy myself at Death's doar, we got to the end of our journy. Late in the evening we hailed the Gaelic shoars, and hankered in the arbour of Balong sir Mare. It was the entrans of Parrowdice to me and master ; and as we entered the calm water, and saw the comfrabble lights gleaming in the houses, and felt the roal of the vessel degreasing, never was two mortials gladder, I warrant, than we were. At length our capting drew up at the key, and our journey was down. But such a bustle and clatter, such jabbering, such shrieking and swaring, such woliies of oafs and axicrations as saluted us on 50 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSIL landing, I never knew ! "We were boarded, in the fust place, by custom-house officers in cock-hats, who seased our luggitch, and called for our passpots: then a crowd of inn-waiters came, tumbling and screaming on deck — "Dis way, sare," cries one; "Hotel Meurice," says another; "Hotel de Bang," screeches another chap — the tower of Babyle was nothink to it. The fust thing that struck me on landing was a big fellow with ear-rings, who very nigh knock me down, in wrenching master's carpet-bag out of my hand, as I was carrying it to the hotell. But we got to it safe at last ; and, for the fust time in my life, I slep in a foring country. I shan't describe this town of Balong, which, as it has been visited by not less (on an avaridg) than two milliums of English since I fust saw it twenty years ago, is tolrabbly well known already. It's a dingy, mellumcolly place, to my mind ; the only thing moving in the streets is the gutter which runs down 'em. As for wooden shoes, I saw few of 'em ; and for frogs, upon my honour, I never see a single Frenchman swallow one, which I had been led to beleave was their reglar, though beastly, custom. One thing which amazed me was the singlar name which they give to this town of Balong. It's divided, as every boddy knows, into an upper town (sitouate on a mounting, and surrounded by a wall, or hullyvar), and a lower town, which is on the level of the sea. "Well, will it be believed that they call the upper town the Hot Veal, and the other the Base Veal, which is, on the contry, genrally good in France, though the beaf it must be confest, is exscrabble. It was in the Base Yeal that Deuceace took his lodgian, at the Hotel de Bang, in a very crooked street called the Bue del Ascew ; and if he'd been the Archbishop of Devonshire, or the Duke of Canterbury, he could not have given himself greater hairs, I can tell you. Nothink was too fine for us now ; we had a sweet of rooms on the first floor, which belonged to the prime minister of Prance (at least the landlord said they were the premier's) ; and the Hon. Algernon Percy Deuceace, who had not paid his landriss, and came to Dover in a coach, seamed now to think that goold was too vulgar for him, and a carridge and six would break down with a man of his weight. Shampang flew about like MR. DEUCEACE. 51 ginger-pop, besides bordo, clarit, burgundy, burgong, and other wines, and all the delixes of the Balong kitchins. We stopped a forfcnit at this dull place, and did nothing from morning till night excep 'walk on the beach, and watch the ships going in and out of arber : with one of them long, sliding opra-glasses, which they call, I don't know why, tallow-scoops. Our amusements for the fortnit we stopped here were boath numerous and daliteful: nothink, in fact, could be more pickong, as they say. In the morning before breakfast we boath walked on the Peer ; master in a blue mareen jackit,and me in a slap-up newlivry ; both provided with long sliding opra-glasses, called as I said (I don't know Y, but I spose it's a scientafick term) tallow-scoops. "With these we igsamined, very attentively, the otion, the sea-weed, the pebbles, the dead cats, the fishwimmin, and the waives (like little children playing at leap-frog), which came tumbling over 1 and other on to the shoar. It seemed to me as if they were scrambling to get there, as well they might, being sick of the sea, and anxious for the blessid, peaceable terry fir my. After brexfast, down we went again (that is, master on his beat, and me on mine, — for my place in this foring town was a complete shiny cure), and putting our tally-scoops again in our eyes, we egsamined a little more the otion, pebbils, dead cats, and so on ; and this lasted till dinner, and dinner till bed-time, and bed-time lasted till nex day, when came brexfast, and dinner, and tally- scooping, as befoar. This is the way with all people of this town, of which, as I've heard say, there is ten thousand happy English, who lead this plesnt life from year's end to year's end. Besides this, there's billiards and gambling for the gentlemen, a little dancing for the gals, and scandle for the dowygers. In none of these amusements did we partake. We were a little too good to play crown pints at cards, and never get paid when we won ; or to go dangling after the portionless gals, or amuse our- selves with slops and penny-wist along with the old ladies. No, no ; my master was a man of fortn now, and behay ved himself as sich. If ever he condysended to go into the public room of the Hotel de Bang — the French — (doubtless for reasons best known to themselves) call this a sallymanjy — he swoar more and lowder than any one there ; he abyoused the waiters, the wittles, the e 2 52 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. wines. With his glas in his i, he staired at every body. He took always the place before the fire. He talked about " My carridge," " My currier," " My servant ; " and he did Wright. I've always found through life, that if you wish to be respected by English people, you must be insalent to them, especially if you are a sprig of nobiliaty. "We like being insulted by noablemen, — it shows they're familiar with us. Law bless us ! I've known many and many a genlmn about town w r ho'd rather be kicked by a lord than not be noticed by him ; they've even had an aw of me, because I was a lord's footman. While my master was hectoring in the parlor, at Balong, pretious airs I gave myself in the kitching, I can tell you ; and the consequints was, that we were better served, and moar liked, than many pipple with twice our merit. Deuceace had some particklar plans, no doubt, which kep him so long at Balong ; and it clearly was his wish to act the man of fortune there for a little time before he tried the character of Paris. He purchased a carridge, he hired a currier, he rigged me in a fine new livry blazin with lace, and he past through the Balong bank a thousand pounds of the money he had won from Dawkins, to his credit at a Paris house ; showing the Balong bankers at the same time, that he'd plenty moar in his potfolie. This was killin two birds with one stone ; the bankers' clerks spread the nuse over the town, and in a day after master had paid the money every old dowyger in Balong had looked out the Crab's family podigree in the Peeridge, and was quite intimate with the Deuceace name and estates. If Sattn himself were a Lord, I do beleave there's many vurtuous English mothers would be glad to have him for a son-in-law. Now, though my master had thought fitt to leave town without excommunicating with his father on the subject of his intended continental tripe, as soon as he was settled at Balong he roat my lord Crabbs a letter, of which I happen to have a copy. It run thus : — "Boulogne, January, 25. " My dear Father, — I have long, in the course of my legal studies, found the necessity of a knowledge of French, in which language all the early history of our profession is written, and have determined to take a little relaxation from chamber reading, MR. DEUCEACE. 53 which has seriously injured my health. If my modest finances can bear a two months' journey, and a residence at Paris, I propose to remain there that period. " Will you have the kindness to send me a letter of introduction to Lord Bobtail, our ambassador ? My name, and your old friend- ship with him, I know would secure me a reception at his house ; but a pressing letter from yourself would at once be more courteous, and more eifectual. " May I also ask you for my last quarter's salary ? I am not an expensive man, my dear father, as you know ; but we are no chameleons, and fifty pounds (with my little earnings in my profession) would vastly add to the ctgremens of my continental excursion. " Present my love to all my brothers and sisters. Ah ! how I wish the hard portion of a younger son had not been mine, and that I could live without the dire necessity for labour, happy among the rural scenes of my childhood, and in the society of my dear sisters and you! Heaven bless you, dearest father, and all those beloved ones now dwelling under the dear old roof at Sizes. Ever your affectionate son. " Algernon. " The RUjU Hon. the Earl of Crabs, Algernon ? You have told me so a thousand times — say so again, dear husband; and do not, do not be so unkind." And here she sank on her knees, and clung to him, and tried to catch his hand, and kiss it. " How much did you say ? " says my lord. " Two thousand a-year, sir ; he has told us so a thousand times." " Two thousand! Two thou — ho, ho, ho ! — haw ! haw ! haw ! " roars my lord. " That is, I vow, the best thing I ever heard in my life. My dear creature, he has not a shilling — not a single maravedi, by all the gods and goddesses." And this exlnt noblemin began laffin louder than ever ; a very kind and feeling genlmn he was, as all must confess. There was a paws : and Mrs. Deuceace didn begin cussing and swearing at her husband as he had done at her : she only said, " Algernon ! is this true ? " and got up, and went to a chair and wep in quiet. My lord opened the great box. " If you or your lawyers would like to examine Sir George's will, it is quite at your service ; you will see here the proviso which I mentioned, that gives the entire fortune to Lady Griffin — Lady Crabs that is ; and here, my dear boy? J ou see the danger of hasty conclusions. Her ladyship only showed you the first page of the will, of course, she wanted to try you. You thought you made a great stroke in at once proposing to Miss Griffin — do not mind it, my love, he really loves you now very sincerely ! — when, in fact, you would have done much better to have read the rest of the will. You were completely bitten, my boy — humbugged, bamboozled — ay, and by your old father, MR. DEUCEACE. 119 you dog. I told you I would, you know, when you refused to lend me a portion of your Dawkins money. I told you I would ; and I did. I had you the very next day. Let this be a lesson to you, Percy my boy ; don't try your luck again against such old hands ; look deuced well before you leap ; audi alteram pzrtem, my lad, which means, read both sides of the will. I think lunch is ready ; but I see you don't smoke. Shall we go in ? " " Stop, my lord," says Mr. Deuceace, very humble ; " I shall not share your hospitality — but — but you know my condition ; I am penniless — you know the manner in which my wife has been brought up " " The Honourable Mrs. Deuceace, sir, shall always find a home here, as if nothing had occurred to interrupt the friendship, between her dear mother and herself." " And for me, sir," says Deuceace, speaking faint, and very slow, " I hope — I trust — I think, my lord, you will not forget me?'' " Forget you, sir; certainly not." " And that you will make some provision ? " " Algernon Deuceace," says my lord, getting up from the sophy, and looking at him with sich a jolly malignity, as /never see, " I declare, before Heaven, that I will not give you a penny ! " Hereupon my lord held out his hand to Mrs. Deuceace, and said, " My dear will you join your mother and me ? "We shall always, as I said, have a home for you." " My lord," said the poar thing, dropping a curtsy, u my home is with him ! " About three months after, when the season was beginning at Paris, and the autumn leafs was on the ground, my lord, my lady, me and Mortimer, were taking a stroal in the Boddy Balong, the carridge driving on slowly a head, and us as happy as possbill, admiring the pleasant woods, and the goldn sunset. My lord was expayshating to my lady upon the exquizit beauty of the sean, and pouring forth a host of butifle and virtuous sentament sootable to the hour. It was dalitefle to hear him. "Ah!" said he, "black must be the heart, my love, which does 120 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. not feel the influence of a scene like this ; gathering as it were, from those sunlit skies, a portion of their celestial gold, and gain- ing somewhat of heaven with each pure draught of this delicious air!" Lady Crabs did not speak, but prest his arm and looked upwards. Mortimer and I, too, felt some of the infliwents of the sean, and lent on our goold sticks in silence. The carriage drew up close to us, and my lord and my lady sauntered slowly tords it. Jest at the place was a bench, and on the bench sate a poorly drest woman, and by her, leaning against a tree, was a man whom I thought I'd sean befor. He was drest in a shabby blew coat, with white seems and copper buttons ; a torn hat was on his head, and great quantaties of matted hair and whiskers disfiggared his countnints. He was not shaved, and as pale as stone. My lord and lady didn tak the slightest notice of him, but past on to the carridge. Me and Mortimer lickwise took our places. As we past, the man had got a grip of the woman's shoulder, who was holding down her head sobbing bitterly. No sooner were my lord and lady seated, than they both, with igstream dellixy and good natur, bust into a ror of lafter, peal upon peal, whooping and screaching, enough to frighten the evening silents. Deuceace turned round. I see his face now — the face of a dewle of hell ! Fust, he lookt towards the carridge, and pinted to it with his maimed arm ; then he raised the other, and struck the woman oy his side. She fell, screaming. Poor thing ! Poor thing ! ME. YELLOWPLUSH'S AJEW. The end of Mr. Deuceace' s history is going to be the end of my corrispondince. I wish the public was as sory to part with me as I am with the public ; becaws I fansy reely that we've become frend3, and feal for my part a becoming greaf at saying ajew. MR. YELLOWPLUSH'S AJEW. 121 It's imposb ill for me to continyow, however, a writin, as I have done — violetting the rules of authography, and trampling upon the fust princepills of English grammar. When I began, I knew no better : when I'd carrid on these papers a little further, and grew accustmd to writin, I began to smel out somethink quear in my style. Within the last sex weaks I have been learning to spell : and when all the world was rejoicing at the festivvaties of our youthful quean — when all i's were fixt upon her long sweet of ambasdors and princes, following the splendid carridge of Marshle the Duke of Damlatiar, and blinking at the pearls and dimince of Prince Oystereasy — Yellowplush was in his loanly pantry — his eyes were fixt upon the spelling-book — his heart was ' bent upon mastring the diffickleties of the littery professhn. I have been, in fact, convertid. You shall here how. Ours, you know, is a Wig house ; and ever sins his third son has got a place in the Treasury, his secknd a captingsy in the Guards, his fust, the secretary of embasy at Pekin, with a prospick of being appinted ambasdor at Loo Choo — ever sins master's sons have reseaved these attentions, and master himself has had the pro mis of a pearitch, he has been the most reglar, consistnt, honrabble Libbaral, in or out of the House of Commins. Well, being a Whig, it's the fashn, as you know, to reseave littery pipple ; and accordingly, at dinner, tother day, whose name do you think I had to hollar out on the fust landing-place about a wick ago ? After several dukes and markises had been enounced, a very gentell fly drives up to our doar, and out steps two gentle- men. One was pail, and wor spektickles, a wig, and a white neckcloth. The other was slim with a hook nose, a pail fase, a small waist, a pare of falling shoulders, a tight coat, and a cata- rack of black satting tumbling out of his busm, and falling into a gilt velvet weskit. The little genlmn settled his wigg, and pulled out his ribbins ; the younger one fluffed the dust of his shoos, looked at his wiskers in a little pockit-glas, settled his crevatt ; and they both mounted up stairs. " What name, sir ? " says I, to the old genlmn. " Name ! — a ! now, you thief o' the wurrld," says he, "do you pretind nat to know me ? Say it's the Cabinet Cyclopa — no, I - *■ 122 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. mane the Litherary Chran — psha ! — bluthanowns ! — say it's Docthor Dioclesia:^ Larner — I think he'll know me now — ay, Nid? " But the genlmn called Nid was at the botm of the stare, and pretended to be very busy with his shoo-string. So the little genlmn went up stares alone. " Doctor Diolesius Larfer ! " says I. " Doctor Atiiais-asitjs Lardnee ! " says Greville jFitz-Roy, our secknd footman, on the fust landing-place. " BcCtcr IflttattUS HogOla ! " says the groom of the chambers, who pretends to be a schollar ; and in the little genlmn went. When safely housed, the other chap came ; and when I asked him his name, said, in a thick, gobbling kind of voice : " Sawedwadgeorgeearllittnbulwig." " Sir what ? " says I, quite agast at the name. " Sawedwad — no, I mean Mistawed,wvL& Lyttn Bulwig." My neas trembled under me, my i's fild with tiers, my voice shook, as I past up the venrabble name to the other foot- man, and saw this fust of English writers go up to the drawing- room ! It's needless to mention the names of the rest of the compny, or to dixcribe the suckmstansies of the dinner. Suffiz to say that the two littery genlmn behaved very well, and seamed to have good appytights; igspecially the little Irishman in the Whig, who et, drunk, and talked as much as f a duzn. He told how he'd been presented at cort by his friend, Mr. Bulwig, and how the quean had received 'em both, a dignity undigscrib- able, and how her blessid majisty asked what was the bony fidy sale of the Cabinit Cyclopsedy, and how he (Doctor Larner) told her that, on his honner, it was under ten thowsnd. You may guess that the Doctor, when he made this speach, was pretty far gone. The fact is, that whether it was the coronation, or the goodness of the wine (cappitle it is in our house, / can tell you), or the natral propensaties of the gests assembled, which made them so igspecially jolly, I don't know, but they had kep up the meating pretty late, and our poar butler was quite tired with the perpechual baskits of clarrit which he'd been called upon to bring up. So that about 11 o'clock, if I were to say they were merry, I should use a mild term ; if I wer to say they were in- MR. YELLOWPLUSH'S AJEW. 123 tawsicated, I should use an igspresshn more near to the truth, but less rispeckful in one of niy situashn. The cuinpany reseaved this annountsmint with mute extonish- ment. " Pray, Doctor Larnder," says a spiteful genlmn, willing to keep up the littery conversation, "what is the Cabinet Cyclopaedia? " " It's the littherary wontherr of the wurrld," says he ; u and sure your lordship must have seen it ; the latther numbers ispicially — cheap as durrt, bound in gleezed calico, six shilliugs a vollum. The illusthrious neems of Walther Scott, Thomas Moore, Docther Southey, Sir James Mackintosh, Docther Donovan, and meself, are to be found in the list of conthributors. It's the Phaynix of Cyclopajies — a litherary Bacon." * A what ? " says the genlmn nex to him. " A Bacon, shining in the darkness of our age ; fild wid the pure end lambent flame of science, burning with the gorrgeous scintillations of divine litherature— a monumintiim, in fact, are perinnias, bound in pink calico, six shillings a vollum." " This wigmawole," said Mr. Bulwig (who seemed rather dis- gusted that his friend should take up so much of the convassa- tion), " this wigmawole is all vewy well ; but it's cuwious that you don't wemember, in chawactewising the litewawy mewits of the vawious magazines, cwonicles, weviews, and encyclopaedias, the existence of a cwitical weview and litewawy chwonicle, which, though the sewa of its ^appeawance is dated only at a vewy few months pwevious to the pwesent pewiod is, nevertheless, so we- markable for its intwinsic mewits as to be wead, not in the me- twopolis alone, but in the countwy — not in Fvvance merely, but in the west of Euwope — whewever our pure AVenglish is spoken, it stwetches its peaceful sceptre — pewused in Amewica, fwom New York to Niagawa — wepwinted in Canada, from Montweal to Towonto — and, as I am gwatified to hear fwom my fwend the governor of Cape Coast Castle, wegularly weceived in Afwica, and translated into the Mandingo language by the missionawies and the bushwangers. I need not say, gentlemen — sir — that is, Mr. Speaker — I mean, Sir John — that I allude to the Litewawy Chwonicle, of which I have the honour to be pwincipal con- twibutor." 12i THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. "Very true, my dear Mr. Bullwig," says my master; "you and I being Whigs, must of course, stand by our own friends ; and I will agree, without a moment's hesitation, that the Literary what-d'ye-callem is the prince of periodicals." "The Pwince of pewiodicals ? " says Bullwig; "my dear Sir John, it's the empewow of the pwess." " Soit, — let it be the emperor of the press, as you poetically call it: but, between ourselves, confess it, — Do not the Tory writers beat your "Whigs hollow ? You talk about magazines. Look at " " Look at hwat ? " shouts out Larder. " There's none, Sir Jan, compared to ourrs." " Pardon me, I think that " " It is Bentley's Mislany you mane ? " says Ignatius, as sharp as a niddle. "Why no; but " " O thin, it's Co'burn, sure ; and that divvle Thayo dor — a pretty paper, sir, but light — thrashy, milk-and-wathery — not sthrong, like the Litherary Chran — good luck to it." " Why, Doctor Lander, I was going to tell at once the name of the periodical, — it is Eeasee's Magazine." " Eeesee ! " says the Doctor. " O thunder and turf! " "Ewasee!" says Bullwig. "0 — ah — hum — haw — yes — no — why, — that is weally — no, weally, upon my weputation, I never before heard the name of the pewiodical. By the by, Sir John, what wemarkable good clawet this is ; is it Lawose or LafF ?" Laff, indeed! he cooden git beyond laff; and I'm blest if I could kip it neither, — for hearing him pretend ignurnts, and being behind the skreend, settlin sumthink for the genlmn, I bust into such a raw of laffing as never was igseeded. " Hullo ! " says Bullwig; turning red. " Have I said anything impwobable, aw widiculous ? for, weally, I never befaw wecollect to have heard in society such a twemendous peal of cachinnation, — that which the twagic bard who fought at Mawathon has called an anewithmon gelasma." " Why, be the holy piper," says Larder, " I think you are dthrawing a little on your imagination. Not read Fraser ! Don't believe him, my lord duke ; he reads every word of it, the rogue ! MR. YELLOWTLUSH'S AJEW. 125 The boys about that magazine baste him as if he was a sack of oatmale. My reason for crying out, Sir Jan, was because you mintioned Fraser at all. Bullwig has every syllable of it bs heart — from the paillitix down to the ' Tellowplush Correspondence.' " "Ha, ha!" says Bullwig, affecting to laff (you may be sure my years prickt up when I heard the name of the ' Yellowplush Correspondence'). " Ha, ha ! why, to tell twuth, I have wead the cowespondence to which you allude ; it's a gweat favowite at court. I was talking with Spwing Wice and John Wussell about it the other day." " Well, and what do you think of it ? " says Sir John, looking mity waggish, — for he knew it was me who roat it. "Why, weally and twuly, there's considewable cleverness about the cweature ; but it's low, disgustingly low : it violates pwoba- bility, and the orthogwaphy is so carefully inaccuwate, that it requires a positive study to compwehend it." " Yes, faith," says Lamer, the " arthagraphy is detestible ; it's as bad for a man to write bad spillin as it is for 'em to speak wid a brrouge. Iducation furst, and ganius afterwards. Your health, my lord, and good luck to you." " Yaw wemark," says Bullwig, " is vewy appwopwiate. You will wecollect, Sir John, in Hewodotus (as for you, doctor, you know more about Iwish than about Gweek), — you will wecollect, without doubt, a stowy nawwated by that cwedulous though fascinating chwonicler, of a certain kind of sheep which is known only in a certain distwict of Awabia, and of which the tail is so enormous, that it either dwaggles on the gwound, or is bound up by the shepherds of the country into a small wheelbawwow, or cart, which makes the chwonicler sneewingly wemark, that thus 'the sheep of Aw r abia have their own chawiots.' I have often thought, sir (this clawet is weally nectaweous) — I have often, I say, thought that the wace of man may be compawed to these Awabian sheep — genius is our tail, education our wheelbawwow. "Without art and education to pwop it, this genius dwops on the gwound, and is polluted by the mud, or injured by the wocks upon the way: with the wheelbawwow it is stwengthened, incweased, and supported — a pwide to the owner, a blessing to mankind." " A very appropriate simile," says Sir John ; " and I am afraid 126 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. that the genius of our friend Yellowplush has need of some such support." " Apropos," said Bullwig ; " who is Yellowplush p I was given to understand that the name was only a fictitious one, and that the papers were written by the author of the Diary of a Physician ; if so, the man has wonderfully improved in style, and there is some hope of him." " Bah ! " says the Duke of Doublejowl ; " every body know's it's Barnard, the celebrated author of ' Sam Slick.' " " Pardon, my dear duke," says Lord Bagwig ; " it's the authoress of Sigh Life, Almacks, and other fashionable novels." " Fiddlestick's end ! " says Doctor Larner ; " don't be blushing, and pretinding to ask questions : don't we know you, Bullwig ! It's you yourself, you thief of the world ; we smoked you from the very beginning." Bullwig was about indignantly to reply, when Sir John interrupted them, and said, — " I must correct you all, gentlemen ; Mr. Yellowplush is no other than Mr. Yellowplush : he gave you, my dear Bullwig, your last glass of champagne at dinner, and is now an inmate of my house, and an ornament of my kitchen !" " Gad ! " says Doublejowl, " let's have him up." " Hear, hear ! " says Bagwig. " Ah, now," says Larner, " your grace is not going to call up and talk to a footman, sure ? Is it gintale r " "To say the least of it," saj^s Bullwig, "the pwactice is iwwegular, and indecowous ; and I weally don't see how the inter- view can be in any way pwofitable." But the vices of the company went against the two littery men, and every body excep them was for having up poor me. The bell was wrung ; butler came. " Send up Charles," says master ; and Charles, who was standing behind the skreand, was persnly abliged to come in. " Charles," says master, " I have been telling these gentlemen who is the author of the ' Yellowplush Correspondence ' in Eraser's Magazine." "It's the best magazine in Europe," says the duke. " And no mistake," says my lord.' " Ilwat ! " says Larner ; " and where's the Litherary Ckrac ? " ME. YELLOWPLUSH'S AJEW. 127 I said myself nothink, but made a bough, and bluslit like pickle cabbitch. "Mr. Yellowplush," says his grace, "will you, in the first place, drink a glass of wine ? " I boughed agin. " And what wine do you prefer, sir ? humble port or imperial burgundy?" ""Why, your grace," says I, "I know my place, and aint above kitchin wines. I will take a glass of port, and drink it to the health of this honrabble compny." "When I'd swigged off the bumper, which his grace himself did me the honour to pour out for me, there was a silints for a minnit ; when my master said : " Charles Yellowplush, I have perused your memoirs in Frascr's Magazine w 7 ith so much curiosity, and have so high an opinion of your talents as a writer, that I really cannot keep you as a foot- man any longer, or allow you to discharge duties for which you are now quite unfit. With all my admiration for your talents, Mr. Yellowplush, I still am confident that many of your friends in the servants' hall will clean my boots a great deal better than a gentleman of your genius can ever be expected to do — it is for this purpose that I employ footmen, and not that they may be writing articles in magazines. But — you need not look so red, my good fellow, and had better take another glass of port — I don't wish to throw you upon the wide world without means of a liveli- hood, and have made interest for a little place which you will have under government, and which will give you an income of eighty pounds per annum, which you can double, I presume, by your literary labours." " Sir," says I, clasping my hands, and busting into tears, " do not — for Heaven's sake, do not ! — think of any such think, or drive me from your suvvice, because I have been fool enough to write in magaseens. Glans but one moment at your honor's plate — every spoon is as bright as a mirror ; condysend to igsamine your shoes — your honour may see reflected in them the fases of every one in the company. I blacked them shoes, I cleaned that there plate. If occasionally I've forgot the footman in the litterary man, and committed to paper my remindicences of fashnabble life, it 128 THE MEMOIRS OF MR, CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSII. was from a sincere desire to do good, and promote nollitch : and I appeal to your honour, — I lay my hand on my busm, and in the fase of this noble company beg you to say, "When you rung your bell, who came to you fust ? When you stopt out at Brooke's till morning, who sate up for you ? "When you was ill, who forgot the natral dignities of his station, and answered the two-pair bell? O sir," says I, " I know what's what ; don't send me away. I know them littery chaps, and, beleave me, I'd rather be a footman. The work's not so hard — the pay is better : the vittels incom- pyrably supearor. I have but to clean my things, and run my errints, and you put clothes on my back, and meat in my mouth : Sir! Mr. Bullwig! an't I right ? shall I quit my station and sink — that is to say, rise — to yours." Bullwig was violently affected ; a tear stood in his glistening i. " Tellowplush," says he, seizing my hand, "you are right. Quit not your present occupation ; black boots, clean knives, wear plush, all your life, but don't turn literary man. Look at me. I am the first novelist in Europe. I have ranged with eagle wing over the wide regions of literature, and perched on every eminence in its turn. I have gazed with eagle eyes on the sun of philosophy, and fathomed the mysterious depths of the human mind. All languages are familiar to me, all thoughts are known to me, all men understood by me. I have gathered wisdom from the honeyed lips of Plato, as we wandered in the gardens of Acadames — wisdom, too, from the mouth of Job Johnson, as we smoked our 'backy in Seven Dials. Such must be the studies, and such is the mission, in this world, of the Poet- Philosopher. But the knowledge is only emptiness ; the initiation is but misery ; the initiated, a man shunned and bann'd by his fellows. O," said Bullwig, clasping his hands, and throwing his fine i's up to the chaudelier, " the curse of Pwometheus descends upon his wace. "Wath and punish- ment pursue them from genewation to genewation ! "Wo to genius, the heaven-sealer, the fire-stealer ! "Wo and thrice bitter desola- tion ! Earth is the wock on which Zeus, wemorseless, stwetches his withing victim — men, the vultures that feed and fatten on him. Ai, Ai ! it is agony eternal — gwoaning and solitawy despair ! And you, Yellowplush, would penewtate these mystewies : you would waise the awful veil, and stand in the twemendous MR. YELLOWPLUSH'S AJEW. 129 Presence. Beware; as you value your peace, beware! With- dwaw, wash Neophyte ! For Heaven's sake — 0, for Heaven's sake ! — " here he looked round with agony — "give me a glass of bwandy and water, for this clawet is beginning to disagwee with me." Bullwig having concluded this spitch, very much to his own sattasfackshn, looking round to the compny for aplaws, and then swigged off the glass of brandy and water, giving a solium sigh as he took the last gulph ; and then Doctor Ignatius, who longed for a chans, and, in order to show his independence, began flatty contradicting his friend, and addressed me, and the rest of the genlmn present, in the following "manner : — " Hark ye," says he, "my gossoon, doant be led asthray by the nonsinse of that divil of a Bullwig. He's jillous of ye, my bhoy ; that's the rale, undoubted thruth; and it's only to keep you out of litherary life that he's palavering you in this way : I'll tell you what — Plush, ye blackguard, — my honourable frind, the mimber there, has told me a hunder times by the smallest computation of his intense admiration of your talents, and the wonderful sthir they were making in the worlld. He can't bear a rival. He's mad with envy, hatred, oncharatableness. Look at him, Plush, and look at me. My father was not a juke exactly, nor aven a markis, and see, nevertheliss, to what a'pitch I am come. I spare no ixpinse ; I'm the iditor of a cople of pariodicals ; I dthrive about in me carridge ; I dine wid the lords of the land ; and why — in the name of the piper that pleed before Mosus, hwy ? Be- cause I'm litherary man. Because I know how to play me cards. Because I'm Docther Lamer, in fact, and mimber of every society in and out of Europe. I might have remained all my life in Thrinity Colledge, and never made such an incom as that offered you by Sir Jan ; but I came to London — to London, my boy, and now, see ! Look again at me friend Bullwig. He is a gentle- man, to be sure, and bad luck to 'im, say I ; and what has been the result of his litherary labour ? I'll tell you what, and I'll tell this gintale society, by the shade of Saint Patrick, they're going to make him A bahinet." " A Baenet, Doctor ! " 3ays I ; " you don't mean to say they're going to make him a barnet ! " 130 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. " As sure as I've made meself a docthor," says Larner. " What, a baronet, like Sir John ? V " The divle a bit else." " And pray what for ? " " What faw ? " says Bull wig. u Ask the histowy of litwatuwe what faw ? Ask Colburn, ask Bentley, ask Saunders and Otley, ask the gweat Bwitish nation, what faw ? The blood in my veins comes puwified thwough ten thousand years of chivalwous an- cestwy ; but that is neither here nor there : my political principles — the equal wights which I have advocated — the gweat cause of fweedom that I have celebwated, are known to all. But this, I confess, has nothing to do with the question. No, the question is this — on the thwone of litewature I stand unwivalled, pwe- eminent ; and the Bwitish government, honowing genius in me, compliments the Bwitish nation by lifting into the bosom of the heweditawy nobility, the most gifted member of the democwacy." (The honrabble genlm here sunk down amidst repeated cheers.) " Sir John," says I, " and my lord duke, the words of my rivrint frend, Ignatius, and the remarks of the honrabble genlmn who has just sate down, have made me change the detummination which I had the honor of igspressing just now. " I ig?ept the eighty pound a-year ; knowing that I shall have plenty of time for pursuing my littery career, and hoping some day to set on that same bentch of barranites, which is deckarated by the presnts of my honrabble friend. " Why shooden I ? It's trew I aint done any think as yet to deserve such an honour ; and it's very probable that I never shall. But what then ? — quaw dong, as our friends say. I'd much rayther have a coat of arms than a coat of livry. I'd much rayther have my blud-red hand spralink in the middle of a shield, than under- neath a tea-tray. A barranit I will be, and, in consiquints, must cease to be a footmin. " As to my politticle princepills, these, I confess, aint settled : they are, I know, necessary ; but they aint necessary until aslct for; besides, I reglar read the Sattarist newspaper, and so ignirince on this pint would be inigscusable. " But if one man can git to be a doctor, and another a barranit, and another a capting in the navy, and another a countess, and MR. YELLOWPLUSH'S A JEW. 131 another the wife of a governor of the Cape of Good Hope, I begin to perseave that the littery trade aint such a very bad un ; igspecially if you're up to snough, and know what's o'clock. I'll learn to make myself usefle, in the fust place ; then I'll larn to spell; and, I trust, by reading the novvles of the honrabble member, and the scientafick treatiseses of the reverend doctor, I may find the secrit of suxess, and git a litell for my own share. I've sevral frends in the press, having paid for many of those chaps' drink, and given them other treets ; and so I think I've got all the emilents of suxess ; therefore, I am detummined, as I said, to igsept your kind offer, and beg to withdraw the wuds which I made yous of when I refyoused your hoxpatable offer. I must, however " "I wish you'd withdraw yourself," said Sir Jolm, busting into a most igstrorinary rage, " and not interrupt the company with your infernal talk ! Go down, and get us coffee ; and, heark ye ( hold your impertinent tongue, or I'll break every bone in your body. You shall have the place, as I said ; and while you're in my service, you shall be my servant ; but you don't stay in my service after to-morrow. Go down stairs, sir; and don't stand staring here ! " ****** In this abrupt way, my evening ended : it's with a melancholy regret that I think what came of it. I don't wear plush any more. I am an altered, a wiser, and, I trust, a better man. I'm about a novvle (having made great progriss in spelling), in the style of my friend Bullwig ; and preparing for publigation, in the Doctor's Cyclopedear, The Lives of Eminent Brittish and Eoring Washerwomen 132 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES -J. YELLOWPLUSH. EPISTLES TO THE LITEBATL CH-S Y-LL-WPL-SH, ESQ., TO SIE EDWAED LYTTON BTJLWEB, ET. JOHN THOMAS SMITH, ESQ., TO C — S Y— H, ESQ. NOTUS. The suckmstansies of tlie following harticle are as folios : — Me and my friend, the sellabrated Mr. Smith, reckonised each other in the Haymarket Theatre, during the performints of the new play. I was settn in the gallery, and sung out to him (he was in the pit), to jine us after the play, over a glass of bear and a cold hoyster, in my pantry, the family being out. Smith came as appinted. We descorsed on the subjick of the comady ; and, after sefral glases, we each of us agreed to write a letter to the other, giving our notiums of the pease. Paper was brought that momint ; and Smith writing his harticle across the knife -bord, I dasht off mine on the dresser. Our agreement was, that I (being remarkabble 'for my style of riting) should cretasize the languidge, whilst he should take up with the plot of the play ; and the candied reader will parding me for having holtered the original address of my letter, and directed it to Sir Edward himself ; and for having incopperated Smith's remarks in the midst of my own. Mayfair, Nov. 30, 1839. Midnite. Honrabble Barnet ! — Retired from the littery world- a year or moar, I didn't think any think would* injuice me to come forrards again ; for I was content with my share of reputation, and pro- poas'd to add n,othink to those immortial wux w r hich have rendered this Magaseen so sallybrated. Shall I tell you the reazn of my re-appearants ? — a desire for the benefick of my fellow-creatures ? Fiddlestick ! A mighty truth with which my busm laboured, and which I must bring forth or die? Nonsince — stuff: money's the secret, my dear EPISTLES TO THE LITERATI. 133 Barnet, — money — Targong, gelt, spicunict. Here's quarter-day coming, and I'm blest if I can pay my landlud, unless I can ad hartificially to my inkum. This is, however, betwigst you and me. There's no need to blacard the streets with it, or to tell the British public that Fitzroy Y-11-wpl-sh is short of money, or .that the sallybrated hauthor of {he Y Papers is in peskewniary difficklties, or is fiteagued by his superhuman littery labors, or by his famly suckm- stansies, or by any other pusnal matter : my maxim, dear B, is on these pints to be as "quiet as posbile. What the juice does the public care for you or me ? "Why must we always, in pre- fizzes and what not, be a talking about ourselves and our igstrod- nary merrats, woas, and injaries ? It is on this subjick that I porpies, my dear Barnet, to speak to you in a frendly way ; and praps you'll find my advise tolrabbly holesum. "Well, then,— if you care about the apinions, fur good or evil, of us poor suvvants, I tell you, in the most candied way, I like you, Barnet. I've had my fling at you in my day (for, entry nou, that last stoary I roat about you and Larnder was as big a bownsir as ever was) — I've had my fling at you ; but I like you. One may objeck to an immence deal of your writings, which, betwigst you and me, contain more sham scentiment, sham morallaty, sham poatry, than you'd like to own ; but, in spite of this, there's the stuff in you : you've a kind and loyal heart in you, Barnet — a trifle deboshed, perhaps ; a kean i, igspecially for what's comic (as for your tradgady, it's mighty flatchulent), and a ready plesnt pen. The man who says you are an As is an As himself. Don't believe him, Barnet ! not that I suppose you wil, — for, if I've formed a correck apinion of you from your wucks, you think your small- beear as good as most men's : every man does, — and why not ? We brew, and we love our own tap — amen ; but the pint betwigst u^s, is this stewpid, absudd way of crying out, because the public don't like it too. Why shood they, my dear Barnet ? You may vow that they are fools ; or that the critix are your enemies ; or that the wuld should judge your poams by your critticle rules, and not their own : you may beat your breast, and vow you are a marter, and you won't mend the matter. Take heart, man ! you're not so misrabble after all ; your spirits need not be so very cast 134 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. down ; you are not so very badly paid. I'd lay a wager that you make, with one thing or another — plays, novvles, pamphlicks, and little odd jobbs here and there — your three thowsnd a-year. There's many a man, dear Bullwig, that works for less, and lives content. "Why shouldn't you ? Three thowsnd a-year is no such bad thing, — let alone the barnetcy : it must be a great comfort to have that bloody hand in your skitching. But don't you sea, that in a wuld naturally envius, wickid, and fond of a joak, this very barnetcy, these very cumplaints, — this ceaseless groning, and moning, and wining of yours, is igsackly the thing which makes people lafF and snear more ? If you were ever at a great school, you must recklect who was the boy most bullid, and buffitid, and purshewd — he who minded it most. He who could take a basting got but few ; he who rord and wep because the knotty boys called him nicknames, was nicknamed wuss and wuss. I recklect there was at our school, in Smithfield, a chap of this milksop, spoony sort, who appeared among the romping, ragged fellers in a fine flanning dressing-gownd, that his mama had given him. That pore boy was beaten in a way that his dear ma and aunts didn't know him : his fine flanning dressing-gownd was torn all to ribbings, and he got no pease in the school ever after, but was abliged to be taken to some other saminary, where, I make no doubt, he was paid off igsactly in the same way. Do you take the halligory, my dear Barnet ? Mutayto notniny — you know what I mean. You are the boy, and your barnetcy is the dressing-gownd. You dress yourself out finer than other chaps, and they all begin to sault and hustle you ; it's human nature, Barnet. You show weakness, think of your dear ma, mayhap, and begin to cry : it's all over with you ; the whole school is at you — upper boys and under, big and little ; the dirtiest little fag in the place will pipe out blaggerd names at you, and take his pewny tug at your tail. The only way to avoid such consperracies is to put a pair of stowt shoalders forrards, and bust through the crowd of raggy- mufnns. A goci bold fellow dubls his fistt, and cries, " Wha dares meddle wi' me?" "When Scott got Ms barnetcy, for instans, did any one of us cry out ? No, by the laws, he was our master ; EPISTLES TO THE LITERATI. 135 and wo betide the chap that said neigh to him! But there's barnets and barnets. Do you recklect that fine chapter in Squintin Durward, about the too fellos and cups, at the siege of the bishop's castle ? One of them was a brave warrier, and kep his cup ; they strangled the other chap — strangled him, and laffed at him too. "With respeck, then, to the barnetcy pint, this is my advice ; brazen it out. Us littery men I take to be like a pack of school- boys—childish, greedy, envius, holding by our friends, and always ready to light. What must be a man's conduck among such ? He must either take no notis, and pass on myjastick, or else turn round and pummle soundly — one, two, right and left, ding dong over the face and eyes ; above all, never acknowledge that he is hurt. Years ago, for instans (we've no ill blood, but only mention this by way of igsample), you began a sparring with this Mag- aseen. Law bless you, such a ridicklus gaym I never see : a man so belaybord, beflustered, bewolloped, was never known ; it was the laff of the whole town. Tour intelackshal natur, respected Barnet, is not fizzickly adapted, so to speak, for encounters of this sort. You must not indulge in combats with us course bullies of the press ; you have not the staminy for a reglar set-to. What, then, is your plan ? In the midst of the mob to pass as quiet as you can ; you won't be undistubbed. Who is ? Some stray kix and buffits will fall to you — mortial man is subjick to such ; but if you begin to wins and cry out, and set up for a marter, wo betide you ! These remarks, pusnal as I confess them to be, are yet, I assure you, written in perfick good-natur, and have been inspired by your play of the Sea Gapting, and prefiz to it ; which latter is on matters intirely pusnal, and will, therefore, I trust, igscuse this kind of ad hominam (as they say) diskcushion. I propose, hon- rabble Barnit, to cumsider calmly this play and prephiz, and to speak of both with that honisty which, in the pantry or studdy, I've been always phamous for. Let us, in the first place, listen to the opening of the " Preface of the Fourth Edition :" "No one can be more sensible than I am of the many faults and deficiencies to be found in this play ; but, perhaps, when it is considered how very rarely it ha3 hanoened in the history of our dramatic literature that good acting 136 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. plays have been produced, except by those who have either been actors themselves, or formed their habits of literature, almost of life, behind the scenes, I might have looked for a criticism more generous, and less exacting and rigorous, than that by which the attempts of an author accustomed to another class of composition have been received by a large proportion of the periodical press. " It is scarcely possible, indeed, that this play should not contain faults of two kinds : first, the faults of one who has necessarily much to learn in the mechanism of his art : and, secondly, of one who, having written largely in the narrative style of fiction, may not unfrequently mistake tbe effects of a novel for the effects of a drama. I may add to these, perhaps, the deficiencies that arise from uncertain health and broken spirits, which render the author more susceptible than he might have been some years since to that spirit of depreciation and hostility which it has been his misfortune to excite amongst the general contributors to the periodical press ; for the consciousness that every endoavour will be made to cavil, to distort, to misrepresent, and, in fine, if posaible, to run down, will occasionally haunt even the hours of com- position, to check the inspiration, and damp the ardour. " Having confessed thus much frankly and fairly, and with a hope that I may ultimately do better, should I continue to write for the stage (v^hich nothing but an assurance that, with all my defects, I may yet bring some little aid to the drama, at a time when any aid, however humble, ought to be welcome to the lovers of the art, could induce me to do), may I be permitted to say a few words as to some of the objections which have been made against this play I" Now, my dear sir, look what a pretty number of please you put forrards here, why your play shouldn't be good. First. Good plays are almost always written by actors. Secknd. You are a novice to the style of composition. Third. You may be mistaken in your effects, being a novelist by trade, and not a play- writer. Fourthly. Your in such bad helth and sperrits. Fifthly. Your so afraid of the critix, that they damp your arder. For shame, for shame, man ! What confeshns is these, — what painful pewling and piping ! Your not a babby. I take you to be some seven or eight and thutty years old — " in the morning of youth," as the flosofer says. Don't let any such nonsince take your reazn prisoner. What you, an old hand amongst us, — an old soljer of our sovring quean the press, — you, who have had the best pay, have held the topmost rank (ay, and deserved them too ! — I gif you leaf to quot me in sasiaty, and say, "Iowa man of genius: Y-11-wpl-sh says so"), — you to lose heart, and cry pick- EPISTLES TO THE LITERATI. 137 avy, and begin to howl, because little boys fling stones at you ! Tie, man ! take courage ; and, bearing the terrows of your blood- red hand, as the poet says, punish us, if we've ofended you, punish us like a man, or bear your own punishment like a man. Don't try to come off with such misrabble lodgic as that above. What do you ? You give four satisfackary reazns that the play is bad (the secknd is naught,— for your no such chicking at play- writing, this being the forth). You show that the play must be bad, and then begin to deal with the critix for finding folt ! Was there ever wuss generalship? The play is bad, — your right, — a wuss I never see or read. But why kneed you say so ? If it was so very bad, why publish it ? Because you wish to serve the drama ! fie ! don't lay that flattering function to your sole,, as Milton observes. Do you believe that this Sea] Capting can serve the drama ? Did you never intend that it should serve any thing, or any body else ? Of cors you did ! You wrote it for money, — money from the maniger, money from the bookseller, — for the same reason that I write this. Sir, Shakspeare wrote for the very same reasons, and I never heard that he bragged about serving the drama. Away with this canting about great motifs I Let us not be too prowd, my dear Barnet, and fansy ourselves marters of the truth, marters or apostels. "We are but tradesmen, working for bread, and not for righteousness' sake. Let's try and work honestly ; but don't let us be prayting pompisly about our "sacred calling." The taylor who makes your coats (and very well they are made too, with the best of velvit collars) — I say Stulze, or JSugee, might cry out that their motifs were but to assert the eturnle truth of tayloring, with just as much reazn ; and who would believe them ? Well ; after this acknollitchmint that the play is bad, come sefral pages of attack on the critix, and the folt those gentry have found with it. With these I shan't middle for the presnt. You defend all the characters 1 by 1, and conclude your" remarks as follows : — "I must be pardoned for this disquisition on my own designs. When every means is employed to misrepresent, it becomes, perhaps, allowable to explain. And if I do not think that my faults as a dramatic author are to be found in the study and delineation of character, it is precisely because that 138 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. is the point on which all my previous pursuits in literature and actual life would be most likely to preserve me from the errors I own elsewhere, whether of misjudgment or inexperience. " I have now only to add my thanks to the actors for the zeal and talent with which they have embodied the characters intrusted to them. The sweetness and grace with which Miss Faucit embellished the part of Violet, which, though only a sketch, is most necessaiy to the colouring and harmony of the play, were perhaps the more pleasing to the audience from the generosity, rare with actors, which induced her to take a part so far inferior to her powers. The applause which attends the performance of Mrs. Warner and Mr. Strickland attests their success in characters of unusual diffi- culty ; while the singular beauty and nobleness, whether of conception or execution, with which the greatest of living actors has elevated the part of Norman (so totally different from his ordinary range of character), is a new proof of his versatility and accomplishment in all that belongs to his art. It would be scarcely gracious to conclude these remarks without expressing my acknowledgment of that generous and indulgent sense of justice which, forgetting all political differences in a literary arena, has enabled me to appeal to approving audiences — from hostile critics. And it is this which alone encou- rages me to hope that, sooner or later, I may add to the dramatic literature of my country something that may find, perhaps, almost as many friends in the next age as it has been the fate of the author to find enemies in this." See, now, what a good comfrabble vanaty is ! Pepple have quarld with the dramatic characters of your play. " No," says you ; " if I am remarkabble for anythiuk, it's for my study and delineation of character ; tliat is presizely the pint to which my littery purshuits have led me." Have you read Jil Blaw, my dear sir ? Have you pirouzed that exlent tragady, the Critic ? There's something so like this in Sir Fretful Plaguy, and the Archbishop of Granadiers, that I'm blest if I can't laff till my sides ake. Think of the critix fixing on the very pint for which you are famus ! — the roags ! And spose they had said the plot' was absudd, or the langwitch absudder, still, don't you think you would have had a word in defens of them too — you who hope to find frends for your dramatic wux in the nex age ? Poo ! I tell thee, Barnet, that the nex age will be wiser and better than this ; and do you think that it will imply itself a reading of your traja- dies ? This is misantrofy, Barnet — reglar Byronism ; and you ot to have a better apinian of human natur. Your apinion about the actors I shan't here middle with. They all acted exlently as far as my humbile judgement goes, and your write in giving them all possbile prays. But let's consider the EPISTLES TO THE LITERATI. 139 last sentence of the prefiz, my dear Barnet, and see what a pretty set of apiniuns you lay down. 1. The critix are your inymies in this age. 2. In the nex, however, you hope to find newmrous frends. 3. And it's a satisfackshn to think that, in spite of politticle diffrances, you have found frendly aujences here. Now, my dear Barnet, for a man who begins so humbly with what my friend Pather Prout calls an argamantum ad misericorjam, who ignoledges that his play is bad, that his pore dear helth is bad, and those cussid critix have played the juice with him — I say. for a man who beginns in such a humbill toan, it's rayther rich to see how you end. My dear Barnet, do you suppose that politticle diffrances pre- judice pepple against you ? What are your politix ? Wig, I presume — so are mine, ontry noo. And what if they are Wig, or Eaddiccle, or Cumsuvvative ? Does any mortial man in England care a phig for your politix ? Do you think yourself such a mity man in parlymint, that critix are to be angry with you, and aujences to be cumsidered magnanamous because they treat you fairly ? There, now, was Sherridn, he w^ho roat the Rifles and School for Scandle (I saw the Rifles after your play, and, O Barnet, if you knew what a relief it was !) — there, I say, was Sherridn — he was a politticle character, if you please — he could make a spitch or two — do you spose that Pitt, Purseyvall, Castle- rag, old George the Third himself, wooden go to see the Rivles — ay, and clap hands too, and laff and ror, for all Sherry's Wiggery ? Do you spose the critix wouldn't applaud too ? Por shame, Barnet ! what ninnis, what hartless raskles, you must beleave them to be, — in the fust plase, to fancy that you are a politticle genius ; in the secknd, to let your politix interfear with their notiums about littery merits ! " Put that nonsince out of your head," as Pox said to Bonypart. Wasn't it that great genus, Dennis, that wrote in Swiff and Poop's time, who fansid that the Prench king wooden make pease unless Dennis was delivered up to him ? Upon my wud, I doant think he carrid his diddlusion much further than a serting honrabble barnet of my aquentance. And, then, for the nex age. Eespected sir, this is another HO THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. diddlusion ; a grose misteak on your part, or my name is not Y — sh. These plays immortial ? Ah, parrysampe, as the French say, this is too strong — the small-beer of the Sea Casting, or of any sux- essor of the Sea Casting, to keep sweet for sentries and sentries ! Barnet, Barnet ! do you know the natur of bear ? Six weeks is not past, and here your last casque is sour — the public won't even now drink it ; and I lay a wager that, betwigst this day (the thuttieth November) and the end of the year, the barl will be off the stox altogether, never, never to return. I've notted down a few frazes here and there, which you will do well do igsamin : — NORMAN. " The eternal Flora Woos to her odorous haunts the western wind ; While circling round and upwards from the boughs, Golden with fruits that lure the joyous birds, Melody, like a happy soul released, Hangs in the air, and from invisible plumes Shakes sweetness down ! " NOEMAN. "And these the lips Where, till this hour, the sad and holy kiss Of parting linger'd, as the fragrance left By angels when they touch the earth and vanish." NORMAN. u Hark? she has blessed her son ! I bid ye witness, Ye listening heavens — thou circumambient air : The ocean sighs it back — and with the murmur Rustle the happy leaves. All nature breathes Aloud — aloft — to the Great Parent's ear, The blessing of the mother on her child." NORMAN. u I dream of love, enduring faith, a heart Mingled with mine — a deathless hei'itage, Which I can take unsullied to the stars, When the Great Father calls his children home." * The blue air, breathless in the starry peace, After long silence hushed as heaven, but filled With happy thoughts as heaven with angels'* EPISTLES TO THE LITERATI, 141 NORMAN. * Till one cairn night, when over earth and wave Heaven looked its love from all its numberless stars. 1 * NORMAN. *' Those eyes, the guiding stars by which I steered." NORMAN. " That great mother (The only parent I have known), whose face Is bright with gazing ever on the stars — The mother-sea." NORMAN. ** My bark shall be our home ; The stars that light the angel palaces Of air, our lamps." NORMAN. " A name that glitters, like a star, amidst The galaxy of England's loftiest born." LADY ARUNDEL. " And see him princeliest of the lion tribe, Whose swords and coronals gleam around the throne, The guardian stars of the imperial isle." The fust spissymen has been going the round of all the papers, as real, reglar poatry. Those wickid critix ! they must have been laffing in their sleafs when they quoted it. Malody, suckling round and uppards from the bows, like a happy soul released, hangs in the air, and from invizable plumes shakes ["sweetness down. Mighty fine, truly ! but let mortial man tell the meanink of the passidge. Is it tnusickle sweetniss that Malody shakes down from its plumes — its wings, that is, or tail — or some pekewliar scent that proceeds from bappy souls released, and which they shake down from the trees when they are suckling round and uppards ? Is this poatry, Barnet ? Lay your hand on your busm, and speak out boldly : Is it poatry, or sheer windy humbugg, that sounds a little melojous, and won't bear the com- manest test of comman sence ? In passidge number 2, the same bisniss is going on, though in a more comprehensable way : the air, the leaves, the otion, are fild 142 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. with emocean at Capting Norman's happiness. Pore Nature is dragged in to partisapate in his joys, just as she has been befor. Once in a poem, this universle simfithy is very well ; but once is enuff, my dear Barnet : and that once should be in some great suckmstans, surely, — such as the meeting of Adam and Eve, in JBaradice Lost, or Jewpeter and Jewno, in Hoamer, where there seems, as it were, a reasn for it. But sea-captings should not be eternly spowting and invoking gods, hevns, starrs, angels, and other silestial influences. We can all do it, Barnet ; nothing in life is esier. I can compare my livry buttons to the stars, or the clouds of my backopipe to the dark vollums that ishew from Mount Hetna ; or I can say that angels are looking down from them, and the tobacco silf, like a happy sole released, is circling round and upwards, and shaking sweetness down. All this is as esy as drink; but it's not poatry, Barnet, nor natural. People, when their mothers reckonise them, don't howl about the suckumambient air, and paws to think of the happy leaves a rustling — at least, one mistrusts them if they do. Take another instans out of your own play. Capting Norman (with his eternll slack-jaw !) meets the gal of his art : — " Look up, look up, my Violet — weeping 1 fie ! And trembling too — yet leaning on my breast. In truth, thou art too soft for such rude shelter. Look up ! I come to woo thee to the seas, My sailor's bride ! Hast thou no voice but blushe3 1 Nay — From those roses let me, like the bee, Drag forth the secret sweetness ! " VIOLET. " Oh what thoughts Were kept for speech when we once more should meet, Now blotted from the page; and all I feel Is — thou art with me !" Very right, Miss Violet — the scentiment is natral, affeckshnit, pleasing, simple (it might have been in more grammaticle lan- guidge, and no harm done) : but never mind, the feeling is pritty : and I can fancy, my dear Barnet, a pritty, smiling, weeping lass, looking up in a man's face and saying it. But the capting ! — this capting ! — this windy, spouting captain, with his prittinesses, EPISTLES TO THE LITERATI. US and conseated apollogies for the hardness of his busm, and his old, stale, vapid simalies, and his wishes to be a bee ! Pish ! Men don't make love in this finniking way. It's the part of a senty- mentle, poeticle taylor, not a galliant gentleman, in command of one of her madjisty's vessels of war. Look at the remaining extrac, honored Barnet, and acknollidge that Capting Norman is eturnly repeating himself, with his endless jabber, about stars and angels. Look at the neat grammaticle twist of Lady Arundel's spitch, too, who, in the corse of three lines, has made her son a prince, a lion, with a sword and coronal, and a star. Why jumble and sheak up metafors in this way ? Barnet, one simily is quite enuff in the best of sentenses (and, I preshume, I kneedn't tell you that it's as well to have it like, when you are about it). Take my advise, honrabble sir — listen to a humble footmin : it's genrally best in poatry to understand puffickly what you mean yourself, and to ingspress your meaning clearly afterwoods — in the simpler words the better, praps. Tou may, for instans, call a coronet a coronal (an " ancestral coronal," p. 74), if you like, as you might call a hat a " swart sombrero," "a glossy four-and-nine," "a silken helm, to storm impermeable, and lightsome as the breezy gossamer;" but, in the long run, it's as well to call it a hat. It is a hat ; and that name is quite as poetticle as another. I think it's Playto, or els Harrystottle, who observes that what we call a rose by any other name would swell as sweet. Confess, now, dear Barnet, don't you long to call it a Polyanthus ? I never see a play more carelessly written. In such a hurry you seem to have bean, that you have actially in some sentences forgot to put in the sence. "What is this, for instance ? — * This thrice precious one Smiled to my eyes — drew being from my breast- Slept in my arms ; — the very tears I shed Above my treasures were to men and angels Alike such holy sweetness ! " In the name of all the angels thai ever you invoked — Raphael, Gabriel, Uriel, Zadkiel, Azrael — what does this "holy sweetness" mean ? We're not spinxes to read such durk conandrums. If you knew my state sins I came upon this passidg — I've neither 1U THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. slep nor eton ; I've neglected my pantry ; I've been wandring from house to house with this riddl in my hand, and nobody can understand it. All Mr. Frazier's men are wild, looking gloomy at one another, and asking what this may be. All the cumtri- butors have been spoak to. The Doctor, who knows every lan- guitch, has tried and giv'n up ; we've sent to Docter Pettigruel, who reads horyglifics a deal ezier than my way of spellin' — no anser. Quick! quick with a fifth edition, honored Barnet, and set us at rest ! While your about it, please, too, to igsplain the two last lines : — " His merry bark with England's flag to crown her." See what dellexy of igspreshn, "a flag to crown her!" " His merry bark with England's flag to crown her, Fame for my hopes, and woman in my cares." Likewise the following : — u Girl, beware, The love that trifles round the charms it gilds Oft ruins while it shines." Igsplane this, men and angels ! I've tried every way ; backards, forards, and in all sorts of trancepositions, as thus : — The love that ruins round the charms it shines, Gilds while it trifles oft ; The charm that gilds around the love it ruins, Oft trifles while it shines ; The ruins that love gilds and shines around, Oft trifles where it charms ; Love, while it charms, shines round, and ruins oft The trifles that it gilds ; The love that trifles, gilds and ruins oft, While round the charms it shines. Or, Or, Or, Or, All which are as sensable as the fust passidge. And with this I'll alow my friend Smith, who has been silent all this time, to say a few words. He has not written near so EPISTLES TO THE LITERATI. 145 much as me (being an infearor genus, betwigst ourselves), but he says he never had such mortial difficklty with any thing as with the dixcripshn of the plott of your pease. Here his letter. To Ch-rl-s F-tzr-y Pl-nt-g-n-t Y-ll-wpl-sh, Esq., fyc. fyc. ZQth Nov. 1839. My dear and honoured Sir, — I have the pleasure of laying before you the following description of the plot, and a few remarks upon the style of the piece called The Sea Captain. Five-and-twenty years back, a certain Lord Arundel had a daughter, heiress of his estates and property ; a poor cousin, Sir Maurice Beevor (being next in succession) ; and a page, Arthur Le Mesnil by name. The daughter took a fancy for the page, and the young persons were married unknown to his lordship. Three days before her confinement (thinking, no doubt, that period favourable for travelling), the young couple had agreed to run away together, and had reached a chapel near on the sea- coast, from which they were to embark, when Lord Arundel abruptly put a stop to their proceedings by causing one Graussen, a pirate, to murder the page. His daughter was carried back to Arundel House, and, in three days, gave birth to a son. Whether his lordship knew of this birth I cannot say; the infant, however, was never acknow- ledged, but carried by Sir Maurice Beevor to a priest, Onslow by name, who educated the lad and kept him for twelve years in profound ignorance of his birth. The boy went by the name of Norman. Lady Arundel meanwhile married again, again became a widow, but had a second son, who was the acknowledged heir, and called Lord Ashdale. Old Lord Arundel died, and her ladyship became countess in her own right. "When Norman was about twelve years of age, his mother, who wished to " waft young Arthur to a distant land," had him sent on board ship. "Who should the captain of the ship be but Gaussen, who received a smart bribe from Sir Maurice Beevor to 146 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. kill the lad. Accordingly, Gaussen tied him to a plank, and pitched him overboard. ****** About thirteen years afcer these circumstances, Violet, an orphan niece of Lady Arundel's second husband, came to pass a few weeks with her ladyship. She had just come from a sea- voyage, and had been saved from a wicked Algerine by an English sea captain. This sea captain was no other than Norman, who had been picked up off his plank, and fell in love with, and was loved by, Miss Violet. A short time after Violet's arrival at her aunt's the captain came to pay her a visit, his ship anchoring off the coast, near Lady Arundel's residence. By a singular coincidence, that rogue Gaussen' s ship anchored in the harbour too. Gaussen at once knew his man, for he had "tracked" him, (after drowning him,) and he informed Sir Maurice Beevor that young Norman was alive. Sir Maurice Beevor informed her ladyship. How should she get rid of him ? In this wise. He was in love with Violet, let him marry her and be off ; for Lord Ashdale was in love with his cousin too ; and, of course, could not marry a young woman in her station of life. " You have a chaplain on board," says her ladyship to Captain Norman; "let him attend to-night in the ruined chapel, marry Violet, and away with you to sea." By this means she hoped to be quit of him for ever. But unfortunately, the conversation had been overheard by Beevor, and reported to Ashdale. Ashdale determined to be at the chapel and carry off Violet ; as for Beevor, he sent Gaussen to the chapel to kill both Ashdale and Norman, thus there would only be Lady Arundel between him and the title. Norman, in the meanwhile, who had been walking near the chapel, had just seen his worthy old friend, the priest, most barbarously murdered there. Sir Maurice Beevor had set Gaussen upon him ; his reverence was coming with the papers concerning Norman's birth, which Beevor wanted in order to extort money from the countess. Gaussen was, however, obliged to run before he got the papers ; and the clergyman had time, before he died, to tell Norman the story, and give him the docu- EPISTLES TO THE LITERATI. 147 merits, with -which Norman sped off to the castle to have an interview with his mother. He lays his white cloak and hat on the table, and begs to be left alone with her ladyship. Lord Ashdale, who is in the room, surlily quits it ; but, going out cunningly, puts on Norman's cloak. "It will be dark," says he, "down at the chapel; Violet won't know me ; and, egad ! I'll run off with her !" Norman has his interview. Her ladyship acknowledges him, for she cannot help it; but will not embrace him, love him, or have anything to do with him. Away he goes to the chapel. His chaplain was there waiting to marry him to Violet, his boat was there to carry him on board his ship, and Violet was there, too. " Norman," says she, in the dark, " dear Norman, I knew you by your white cloak ; here I am." And she and the man in a cloak go off to the inner chapel to be married. There waits Master Graussen ; he has seized the chaplain and the boat's crew, and is just about to murder the man in the cloak, when — Norman rushes in and cuts him down, much to the surprise of Miss, for she never suspected it was sly Ashdale who had come, as we have seen, disguised, and very nearly paid for his mas- querading. Ashdale is very grateful ; but, when Norman persists in marry- ing Violet, he says — no, he shan't. He shall fight ; he is a coward if he doesn't fight. Norman flings down his sword, and says he icorCt fight; and — Lady Arundel, who has been at prayers all this time, rushing in, says, "Hold ! this is your brother, Percy — your elder brother!" Here is some restiveness on Ashdale 's part, but he finishes by embracing his brother. Norman burns all the papers ; vows he will never peach ; re- conciles himself with his mother; says he will go loser; but, having ordered his ship to "veer" round to the chapel, orders it to veer back again, for he will pass the honeymoon at Arundel Castle. As you have been pleased to ask my opinion, it strikes me that there are one or two very good notions in this plot. But the 148 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. author does not fail, as he would modestly have us believe, from ignorance of stage-business ; he seems to know too much, rather than too little, about the stage, to be too anxious to cram in effects, incidents, perplexities. There is the perplexity concern- ing Ashdale's murder, and Norman's murder, and the priest's murder, and the page's murder, and Gaussen's murder. There is the perplexity about the papers, and that about the hat and cloak, (a silly, foolish obstacle,) which only tantalise the spectator, and retard the march of the drama's action ; it is as if the author had said, " I must have a new incident in every act, I must keep tickling the spectator perpetually, and never let him off until the fall of the curtain." The same disagreeable bustle and petty complication of intrigue you may remark in the author's drama of Richelieu. The Lady of Lyons was a much simpler and better-wrought plot. The inci- dents following each other either not too swiftly or startlingly. In Richelieu, it always seemed to me as if one heard doors per- petually clapping and banging ; one was puzzled to follow the train of conversation, in the midst of the perpetual small noises that distracted one right and left. Nor is the list of characters of The Sea Captain to be despised. The outlines of all of them are good. A mother, for whom one feels a proper tragic mixture of hatred and pity ; a gallant single- hearted son, whom she disdains, and who conquers her at last by his noble conduct ; a dashing haughty Tybalt of a brother ; a wicked poor cousin, a pretty maid, and a fierce buccanier. These people might pass three hours very well on the stage, and interest the audience hugely ; but the author fails in filling up the outlines. His language is absurdly stilted, frequently careless ; the reader or spectator hears a number of loud speeches, but scarce a dozen lines that seem to belong of nature to the speakers. Nothing can be more fulsome or loathsome to my mind than the continual sham-religious clap-traps which the author has put into the mouth of his hero ; nothing more unsailor-like than his namby-pamby starlit descriptions, which my ingenious colleague has, I see, alluded to. " Thy faith my anchor, and thine eyes my haven," cries the gallant captain to his lady. See how loosely the sentence is constructed, like a thousand others in the book. EPISTLES TO THE LITERATI. 149 The captain is to cast anchor with the girl's faith in her own eyes ; either image might pass by itself, but together, like the quadrupeds of Kilkenny, they devour each other. The captain tells his lieutenant to bid his bark veer round to a point in the harbour. "Was ever such language ? My lady gives Sir Maurice a thousand pounds to waft him (her son) to some distant shore. Nonsense, sheer nonsense ; and what is worse, affected nonsense ! Look at the comedy of the poor cousin. " There is a great deal of game on the estate — partridges, hares, wild-geese, snipes, and plovers {smacking his lips) — besides a magnificent preserve of sparrows, which I can sell to the little blackguards in the streets at a penny a hundred. But I am very poor — a very poor old knight." Is this wit, or nature ? It is a kind of sham wit ; it reads as if it were wit, but it is not. What poor, poor stuff, about the little blackguard boys ! what flimsy ecstasies and silly " smacking of lips" about the plovers ! Is this the man who writes for the next age ? O fie ! Here is another joke : — " Sir Maurice. Mice ! zounds, how can I Keep mice ! I can't afford it ! They were starved To death an age ago. The last was found Come Christmas three years, stretched beside a bono In that same larder, so consumed and worn By pious fast, 'twas awful to behold it ! I canonised its corpse in spirits of wine, And set it in the porch— a solemn warning Is not this rare wit ? " Zounds ! how can I keep mice ? " is well enough for a miser ; not too new, or brilliant either ; but this miserable dilution of a thin joke, this wretched hunting down of the poor mouse ! It is humiliating to think of a man of esprit harping so long on such a mean, pitiful string. A man who aspires to immortality, too ! I doubt whether it is to be gained thus ; whether our author's words are not too loosely built to make "starry pointing pyramids of." Horace clipped and squared his blocks more carefully before he laid the monument which, imber edax, or Aquila impotens, or fuga temporum, might assail in vain. Even old Ovid, when he raised his stately, shining 150 THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH. heathen temple, had placed some columns in it, and hewn out a statue or two which deserved the immortality that he prophesied (somewhat arrogantly) for himself. But let not all be looking forward to a future, and fancying that, " incerti spatium dumfiniat avi" our books are to be immortal. Alas ! the way to immortality is not so easy, nor will our Sea Captain be permitted such an unconscionable cruise. If all the immortalities were really to have their wish, what a work would our descendants have to study them all ! JSTot yet, in my humble opinion, has the honourable baronet achieved this deathless consummation. There will come a day (may it be long distant !) when the very best of his novels will be forgotten ; and it is reasonable to suppose that his dramas will pass out of existence, some time or other, in the lapse of the secula seculorum. In the meantime, my dear Plush, if you ask me what the great obstacle is towards the dramatic fame and merit of our friend, I would say that it does not lie so much in hostile critics or feeble health, as in a careless habit of writing, and a peevish vanity which causes him to shut his eyes to his faults. The question of original capacity I will not moot ; one may think very highly of the honourable baronet's talent, without rating it quite so high as he seems disposed to do. And to conclude : as he has chosen to combat "the critics in person, the critics are surely justified in being allowed to address him directly. With best compliments to Mrs. Tellowplush, I have the honour to be, dear Sir, Your most faithful and obliged humble servant, John Thomas Smith. And now, Smith having finisht his letter, I think I can't do better than clothes mine lickwise ; for though I should never be tired of talking, praps the public may of hearing, and therefore it's best to shut up shopp. What I've said, respected Barnit, I hoap you woan'fc take unkind. A play, you see, is public property for every one to say his say on ; and I think, if you read your prefez over agin, you'll EPISTLES TO THE LITERATI. 151 see that it ax as a direct incouridgemint to us critix to come forrard and notice you. But don't fansy, I besitch you, that we are actiated by hostillaty ; fust write a good play, and you'll see we'll prays it fast enuff. "Waiting which, Agray, Munseer le Ckevaleer, V asliurance de ma hot cumsideratun. Voter distangy, THE DIARY C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. THE DIARY C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ, A LUCKY SPECULATOR " Considerable sensation has been excited in the upper and lower circles in the West End, by a startling piece of good fortune which has befallen James Plush, Esq., lately footman in a respected family in Berkeley Square. " One day last week, Mr. James waited upon his master, who is a banker in the City ; and after a little blushing and hesitation, said he had saved a little money in service, was anxious to retire, and to invest his savings to advantage. " His master (we believe we may mention, without offending delicacy, the well-known name of Sir George Flimsy, of the house of Flimsy, Diddler, and Flash,) smilingly asked Mr. James what was the amount of his savings, won- dering considerably how, out of an income of thirty guineas — the main part of which he spent in bouquets, silk stockings, and perfumery — Mr. Plush could have managed to lay by anything. " Mr. Plush, with some hesitation, said he had been speculating in railroads, and stated his winnings to have been thirty thousand pounds. He had com- menced his speculations with twenty, borrowed from a fellow-servant. He had dated his letters from the house in Berkeley Square, and humbly begged par- don of his master for not having instructed the Railway Secretaries who answered his applications to apply at the area-bell. " Sir George, who was at breakfast, instantly rose, and shook Mr. P. by the hand; Lady Flimsy begged him to be seated, and partake of the breakfast which he had laid on the table ; and has subsequently invited him to her grand dejeuner at Richmond, where it was observed that Miss Emily Flimsy, her beautiful and accomplished seventh daughter, paid the lucky gentleman marked attention. " We hear it stated that Mr. P. is of a very ancient family, (Hugo de la Pluche came over with the Conqueror) ; and the new Brougham which he has started, bears the ancient coat of his race. 156 THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. " He has taken apartments in the Albany, and is a director of thirty-three railroads. He proposes to stand for Parliament at the next general election on decidedly conservative principles, which have always been the politics of his family. "Report says, that even in his humble capacity Miss Emily Flimsy had remarked his high demeanour. Well, [ None but the brave,' say we, ' deserve the fair.' " — Morning Paper. This announcement will explain the following lines, which have been put into our box * with a West-End post-mark. If, as we believe, they are written by the young woman from whom the Millionaire borrowed the sum on which he raised his fortune, what heart will not melt with sympathy at her tale, and pity the sorrows which she expresses in such artless language ? If it be not too late ; if wealth have not rendered its possessor callous ; if poor Maryanne be still alive ; we trust, we trust, Mr* Plush will do her justice. JEAMES OF BUCKLEY SQUARE. A HELIGY. Come all ye gents vot cleans the plate, Come all ye ladies maids so fair — Vile I a story vill relate Of cruel Jeames of Buckley Square. A tighter lad, it is confest, Neer valked with powder in his air, Or vore a nosegay in his breast, Than andsum Jeames of Buckley Square. Evns ! it vas the best of sights, Behind his Master's coach and pair, To see our Jeames in red plush tights, A driving hoff from Buckley Square. He vel became his hagwilletts, He cocked his at with such a hair ; His calves and viskers vas such pets, That hall loved Jeames of Buckley Square. He pleased the hup-stairs folks as veil, And o ! I vithered vith despair, Missis vould ring the parler bell, And call up Jeames in Buckley Square. * The letter-box of Mr. Punch, in whose columns these papers were first pub- shed. THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. 157 Both beer and sperrits he abhord, (Sperrits and beer I cant a bear,) You would have thought he vas a lord Down in our All in Buckley Square. Last year he visper'd, " Mary Ann, Ven I've an under'd pound to spare, To take a public is my plan, And leave this hojous Buckley Square." how my gentle heart did bound, To think that I his name should bear. " Dear Jeames," says I, '* I've twenty pound," And gev them him in Buckley Square. Our master vas a City gent, His name's in railroads everywhere, And lord, vot lots of letters vent Betwigst his brokers and Buckley Square ! My Jeames it was the letters took, And read them all, (I think it's fair,) And took a leaf from Master's book, As bothers do in Buckley Square. Encouraged with my twenty pound, Of which poor / was unavare, He wrote the Companies all round, And signed hisself from Buckley Square, And how John Porter used to grin, As day by day, share after share, Came railvay letters pouring in, " J. Plush, Esquire, in Buckley Square." Our servants' All was in a rage — Scrip, stock, curves, gradients, bull and bear. Yith butler, coachman, groom and page, Vas all the talk in Buckley Square. But ! imagine vot I felt Last Vensday veek as ever were ; I gits a letter, which I spelt " Miss M. A. Hoggins, Buckley Square." He sent me back my money true — He sent me back my lock of air, And said, " My dear, I bid ajew To Mary Hann and Buckley Square. Think not to marry, foolish Hann, With people who your betters are ; James Plush is now a gentleman, And you — a cook in Buckley Square. 158- THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. " I've thirty thousand guineas won, In six short months, by genus rare ; You little thought what Jeames was on, Poor Mary Hann, in Buckley Square. I've thirty thousand guineas net, Powder and plush I scorn to vear ; And so, Miss Mary Hann, forget For hever Jeames, of Buckley Square." * * * * * * The rest of the MS. is illegible, being literally washed away in a flood of tears. A LETTER FROM " JEAMES, OF BUCKLEY SQUARE." Albany, Letter X. August 10, 1845. " Sir, — Has a reglar suscriber to your emusing paper, I beg leaf to state that I should never have done so, had I supposed that it was your abbit to igspose the mistaries of privit life, and to hinjer the delligit feelings of umble individyouals like myself, who have no ideer of being made the subject of newspaper criticism. " I elude, Sir, to the unjustafiable use which has been made of my name in your Journal, where both my muccantile speclations and the Tiinmost paslisn of my art have been brot forrards in a ridicklus way for the public emusemint. " What call, Sir, has the public to inquire into the suckm- stansies of my engagements with Miss Mary Hann Oggins, or to meddle with their rupsher ? "Why am I to be maid the hobjick of your redicule in a doggril lallit impewted to her ? I say impewted, because, in my time at least, Mary Hann could only sign her + mark (has I've hoften witnist it for her when she paid hin at the Savings Bank) and has for sacrificing to the Mewses and making poatry, she was as Mncapible as Mr. Wakley himself. " With respect to the ballit, my baleaf is, that it is wrote by a footman in a low famly, a pore retch who attempted to rivle me in my affections to Mary Hann — a feller not five foot six, and with no more calves to his legs than a donkey — who was always a ritin (having been a doctor's boy) and who I nockt down with a pint of porter (as he well recklex) at the 3 Tuns Jerming Street, for daring to try to make a but of me. He has signed Miss THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. 159 H's name to his nonsince and lies : and you lay yourself hopen to a haction for lible for insutting them in your paper. " It is false that I have treated Miss H. hill in hany way. That I borrowed 201b of her is trew. But she confesses I paid it back. Can hall people say as much of the money they've lent or bor- rowed ? No. And I not only paid it back : but giv her the andsomest pres'nts which I never should have eluded to, but for this attack. Fust, a silver thimble (which I found in Missus's work-box) ; secknd, a vollom of Byrom's poems : third, I halways brought her a glas of Curasore, when we ad a party, of which she was remarkable fond. I treated her to Hashley's twice, (and hal- ways a srimp or a hoyster by the way,) and a thowsnd deligit attentions, which I sapose count for noihink. " Has for marridge. Haltered suckmstancies rendered it himpos- sable. I was gone into a new spear of life — mingling with my native aristoxy. I breathe no sallible of blame aginst Miss H. but his a hilliterit cookmaid fit to set at a fashnable' table. Do young fellers of rank genrally marry out of the Kitching ? If we cast our i's upon a low-born gal, I needn say its only a tempory distraction", pore passy le long. So much for her claims upon me. Has for that beest of a Doctor's boy he's unwuthy the notas of a Gentleman. " That I've one thirty thousand lb, and praps more, I dont deny. Ow much has the Kilossus of Railroads one, I should likjs to know, and what was his cappitle ? I hentered the market with 201b, specklated Jewdicious, and ham what I ham. So may you be (if you have 201b, and praps you haven't) — So may you be : if you choose to go in & win. " I for my part am jusly prowd of my suxess, and could give you a hundred instances of my gratatude. For igsample, the fust pair of hosses I bought (and a better pare of steppers I dafy you to see in hany curracle,) I crisn'd Hull and Selby, in grateful elusion to my transackshns in that railroad. My riding Cob I called very unhaptly my Dublin and Galway. He came down with me the other day, and I've jest sold him at \ discount. " At fust with prudence and modration I only kep two grooms for my stables, one of whom lickwise waited on me at table. I have now a confidenshle servant, a vally de shamber — He curls 160 THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. my air ; inspex my accounts, and hansers my hinvitations to dinner. I call this Vally my Trent Tally t for it was the prophit I got from that exlent line, which injuiced me to ingage hitn. " Besides my North British Plate and Breakfast equipidge — I have two handsom suvvices for dinner — the goold plate for Sun- days, and the silver for common use. When I ave a great party, ' Trent/ I say to my man, ' we will have the London and Bum- mingham plate to-day (the goold), or else the Manchester and Leeds (the silver.)' I bought them after realising on the abuf lines, and if people suppose that the companys made me a presnt of the plate, how can I help it ? " In the sam way I say, ' Trent, bring us a bottle of Bristol and Hexeter ! ' or, ' Put some Heastern Counties in hice ! ' He knows what I mean: it's the wines I bought upon the hos- picious tummination of my connexshn with those two railroads. " So strong, indeed, as this abbit become, that being asked to stand Grodfather to the youngest Miss Diddle last weak, I had her christened (provisionally) Bosamell — from the French line of which I am Director; and only the other day, finding myself rayther unwell, ' Doctor,' says I to Sir Jeames Clark, ' 'Ive sent to consult you because my Midlands are out of horder ; and I want you to send them up to a premium.' The Doctor lafd, and I beleave told the story subsquintly at Buckinum P — 11 — s. " But I will trouble you no father. My sole objict in writing has been to clear my carrater — to show that I came by my money in a honrable way : that I'm not ashaymd of the manner in which I gayned it, and ham indeed grateful for my good fortune. " To conclude, I have ad my podigree maid out at the Erald Hoffis (I don't mean the Morning Erald), and have took for my arms a Stagg. You are corrict in stating that I am of hancient Normin famly. This is more than Peal can say, to whomb I applied for a barnetcy ; but the primmier being of low igstraction, natrally stickles for his horder. Consurvative though I be, I may change my opinions before the next Election, when I intend to hoffer myself as a Candy dick for Parly mint. " Meanwhile, I have the honor to be, Sir, " Your most obeajnt Survnt, "Pitz-James de la Plucele." THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. 161 THE DIABY. One day in the panic week, our friend Jeames called at our Office, evidently in great perturbation of mind and disorder of dress. He had no flower in his button-hole ; his yellow kid gloves were certainly two days old. He had not above three of the ten chains he usually sports, and his great coarse knotty- knuckled old hands were deprived of some dozen of the rubies, emeralds, and other cameos with which, since his elevation to fortune, the poor fellow has thought fit to adorn himself. " How's scrip ? Mr. Jeames," said we pleasantly, greeting our esteemed contributor. " Scrip be ," replied he, with an expression we cannot repeat, and a look of agony it is impossible to describe in print, and walked about the parlour whistling, humming, rattling his keys and coppers, and showing other signs of agitation. At last, " Mr. Pimch," says he, after a moment's hesitation, " I wish to speak to you on a pint of businiss. I wish to be paid for my contribewtions to your paper. Suckmstances is altered with me. I — I — in a word, can you lend me — £ for the account." He named the sum. It was one so great that we don't care to mention it here ; but on receiving a cheque for the amount (on Messrs. Pump and Aldgate, our bankers), tears came into the honest fellow's eyes. He squeezed our hand until he nearly wrung it off, and shouting to a cab, he plunged into it at our office-door, and was off to the City. Returning to our study, we found he had left on our table an open pocket-book; of the contents of which (for the sake of safety) we took an inventory. It contained : — three tavern-bills, paid ; a tailor's ditto, unsettled ; forty -nine allotments in different companies, twenty- six thousand seven hundred shares in all, of which the market value we take, on an average, to be J discount ; and in an old bit of paper tied with pink riband a lock of chesnut hair, with the initials M. A. H. In the diary of the pocket-book was a Journal, jotted down by 162 THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. the proprietor from time to time. At first the entries are insig- nificant ; as, for instance : — " 3rd January — Our beer in the Suvnts' Hall so 'precious small at this Christmas time that I reely muss give warning, & wood, but for my dear Mary Hann." " February 7 — That broot Screw, the Butler, wanted to kis her, but my dear Mary Hann boxt his hold hears, & served him right. I (Latest Screw." — and so forth. Then the diary relates to Stock Exchange operations, until we come to the time when, having achieved his successes, Mr. James quitted Berkeley Square and his livery, and began his life as a speculator and a gentleman upon town. It is from the latter part of his diary that we make the following EXTRAX :— u "Wen I anounced in the Servnts All my axeshn of forting, and that by the exasize of my own talince and ingianiuty I had reerlized a summ of 20,000 lb. (it was only 5, but what's the use of a mann depreshiating the qualaty of his own mackyrel?). Wen I enounced my abrup intention to cut — you should have sean the sensation among hall the people ! Cook wanted to know whether I woodn like a sweatbred, or the slise of the breast of a Cold Tucky. Screw, the butler, (womb I always detested as a hinsalant hoverbaring beest) begged me to walk into the Hupper Servnts All, and try a glass of Shuperior Shatto Margo. Heven Visp, the coachmin, eld out his and, & said, ■ Jeames, I hopes theres no quarraling betwigst you & me, & I'll stand a pot of beer with pleasure.' " The sickofnts ! — that wery Cook had split on'me to the House- keeper ony last week (catchin me priggin some cold tuttle soop, of which I'm remarkable fond). Has for the butler, I always ebomminated him for his precious snears and imperence to all us Gents who woar livry, (he never would sit in our parlour, fasooth, nor drink out of our mugs) ; and in regard of Visp — why, it was ony the day before the wulgar beest hoffered to fite me, and thretnd to give me a good iding if I refused. ' Gentlemen and ladies,' says I, as haughty as may be, ' there's nothink that I want for that I can't go for to buy with my hown money, and take at my lodgins in Halbany, letter Hex ; if I'm ungry I've no need to refresh myself in the Mtching? And, so saying, I took THE DIARY OF C, JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. 163 a dignified ajew of these minnial domestics ; and ascending to my epartment in the 4 pair back, brushed the powder out of my air, and taking off those hojous livries for never, put on a new soot, made for me by Cullin of St. Jeames Street, and which fitted my manly figger as tight as whacks. " There was one pusson in the house with womb I was rayther anxious to evoid a 'persnal leave-taking — Mary Hann Oggins, I mean — for my art is natural tender, and I can't abide seeing a pore gal in pane. I'd given her previous the infamation of my departure — doing the ansom thing by her at the same time — paying her back 201b., which she'd lent me 6 months before : and paying her back not only the interest, but I gave her an andsome pair of scissars and a silver thimbil, by way of boanus. ' Mary Hann,' says I, ' suckimstancies has haltered our rellatif positions in life. I quit the Servnts Hall for ever, (for has for your marrying a person in my rank, that my dear is hall gammin,) and so I wish you a good by my good gal, and if you want to better yourself, halways refer to me.' "Mary Hann didn't hanser my speech (which I think was remarkable kind), but looked at me in the face quite wild like, and bust into somethink betwigst a laugh & a cry, and fell down with her ed on the kitching dresser, where she lay until her young Missis rang the dressing-room bell. Would you bleave it ? she left the thimbil & things, & my check for 201b. 10s. on the tabil when she went to hanser the bell ? And now I heard her sobbing and vimpering in her own room nex but one to mine, vith the dore open, peraps expecting I should come in and say good by. But, as soon as I was dressed, I cut down stairs, hony desiring Frederick my fellow-servnt, to fetch me a cabb, and requesting permission to take leaf of my lady & the famly before my departure." * * * * * " How Miss Hemly did hogle me to be sure ! Her ladyship told me what a sweet gal she was — hamiable, fond of poetry, plays the gitter. Then she hasked me if I liked blond bewties and haubin hair. Haubin, indeed ! I don't like carrits ! as it must be confest Miss Hemly' s his — and has for a blond buty she has pink I's like a Halbino, and her face looks as if it were dipt in abrann mash. How she squeeged my & as she went away ! m 2 161 THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. " Mary Hann now has haubin air, and a cumplexion like roses and hivory, and I's as blew as Evin. "I gev Frederick two and six for fetchin the cabb — been resolved to hact the gentleman in hall things. How he stared! " " 25th. — I am now director of forty-seven hadvantageous lines, and have past hall day in the Citty. Although I've hate or nine new soots of close, and Mr. Cullin fits me heligant, yet I fansy they hall reckonise me. Conshns whispers to me — ' Jeams, you'r hony a footman in disguise hafter all.' " " 28th. — Been to the Hopra. Music tol lol. That Lablash is a wopper at singing. I coodn make out why some people called out ' Bravo,' some ' Bravar,' and some c Bravee.' ' Bravee, Lablash,' says I, at which he very body laft. " I'm in my new stall. I've had new cushings put in, and my harms in goold on the back. I'm dressed hall in black, excep a gold waistcoat and dimind studds in the embriderd busom of my shameese. I wear a Camallia Jiponiky in my button ole, and have a double-barreld opera glas, so big, that I make Timmins, my secnd man, bring it in the other cabb. " What an igstronry exabishn that Pawdy Carter is ! If those four gals are faries, Tellioni is sutnly the fairy Queend. She can do all that they can do, and somethink they can't. There's an indiscrible grace about her, and Carlotty, my sweet Carlotty, she sets my art in flams. " Ow that Miss Hemly was noddin and winkin at me out of their box on the fourth tear ? " "What linx i's she must av. As if I could mount up there ! " P.S. Talking of mounting hup ! the St. Helena's walked up 4 per cent, this very day." " 2nd July. Eode my bay oss Desperation in the park. There was me, Lord George Bingwood (Lord Cinqbar's son), Lord Ballybunnion, Honorable Capting Trap, & sevral hother young swells. Sir John's carridge there in coarse. Miss Hemly lets fall her booky as I pass, and I'm obleged to get hoff and pick it hup, & get splashed up to the his. The gettin on hoss back agin THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. 165 is halways the juice & hall. Just as I was hem, Desperation begins a porring the hair with his 4 feet, and sinks down so on his anches, that I'm blest if I didn't slip hoff agin over his tail ; at which Ballybunnion & the hother chaps rord with lafter. " As Bally has istates in Queen's County, I've put him on the St. Helena direction. We call it the ' Great St. Helena Napoleon Junction/ from Jamestown to Longwood. The French are taking it hup heagerly." " 6th July. Dined to-day at the London Tavin with one of the Welsh bords of Direction I'm hon. The Cwrwmwrw & Plmwyd- dlywm, with tunnils through Snowding and Plinlimming. " Great nashnallity of coarse. Ap Shinkin in the chair, Ap Llwydd in the vice ; Welsh mutton for dinner ; Welsh iron knives & forks ; Welsh rabbit after dinner ; and a Welsh harper, be hanged to him : he went strummint on his hojous hinstrument, and played a toon piguliarly disagreeble to me. " It was Pore Mary Hann. The clarrit holmost choaked me as I tried it, and I very nearly wep myself as I thought of her bewtifle blue i's. Why ham I always thinkin about that gal ? Sasiety is saciety, it's lors is irresistabl. Has a man of rank I can't marry a serving-made. What would Cinqbar and Bally- bunnion say ? " P.S. — I don't like, the way that Cinqbars has of borroing money, & halways making me pay the bill. Seven pound six at the Shipp, Grinnidge, which I don't grudge it, for Derbyshire's brown Ock is the best in Urup ; nine pound three at the Trafflygar, and seventeen pound sixteen & nine at the Star & Garter, Richmond, with the Countess St. Emilion & the Baroness Erontignac. Not one word of French could I speak, and in consquince had nothink to do but to make myself halmost sick with heating hices and desert, while the hothers were chattering & parlyvooing. " Ha ! I remember going to Grinnidge once with Mary Hann, when we were more happy (after a walk in the park, where we ad one gingy-beer betwigst us), more appy with tea and a simple srimp than with hall this splender ! " 166 THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. " July 24. My first floor apartmince in the Halbiny is now kimpletely and chasely furnished — the droring-room with yellow satting and silver for the chairs and sophies — hemrall green tabbinet curtings with pink velvet & goold borders & fringes ; a light blue Haxminster Carpit, embroydered with tulips ; tables, secritaires, cunsoles, &c, as handsome as goold can make them, and candlesticks and shandalers of the purest Hormolew. " The Dining-room funniture is all Tioqk, British Hoak ; round igspanding table, like a trick in a Pantimime, iccommadating any number from 8 to 24 — to which it is my wish to restrict my parties — Curtings Crimsing damask, Chairs crimsing myrocky. Portricks of my favorite great men decorats the wall — namely, the Duke of "Wellington. There's four of his Grace. For I've re- marked that if you wish to pass for a man of weight and con- siddration you should holways praise and quote him — I have a valluble one lickwise of my Queend, and 2 of Prince Halbert — has a Pield Martial and halso as a privat Gent. I despise the vulgar snears that are daily hullered aginst that Igsolted Pottentat. Betwigxt the Prins & the Duke hangs me, in the Uniform of the Cinqbar Malitia, of which Cinqbars has made me Capting. " The Libery is not yet done. " But the Bedd-roomb is the Jem of the whole — if you could but see it ! such a Bedworr ! Ive a Shyval Dressing Glass fes- tooned with "Walanseens Lace, and lighted up of evenings with rose coloured tapers. Goold dressing case and twilet of Dresding Cheny — My bed white and gold with curtings of pink and silver brocayd held up a top by a goold Qpid who seems always a smilin angillicly hon me, has I lay with my Ed on my piller hall sarounded with the finist Mechlin. I have a own man, a yuth under him, 2 groombs, and a fimmale for the House — I've 7 osses : in cors if I hunt this winter I must increase my ixtablishment. " N.B. Heverythink looking well in the City. Saint Helenas, 32 pm., Madagascars, 9|, Saffron Hill and Bookery Junction, 24, and the new lines in prospick equily incouraging. "People phansy its hall gaiety and pleasure the life of us fashnabble gents about townd — But I can -tell 'em its not hall goold that glitters. They don't know our momints of hagony, THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. 167 hour ours of studdy and reflecshun. They little think when they see Jeames de la Pluche, Exquire, worling round in wake at Halmax with Lady Hann, or lazaly stepping a kidrill with Lady Jane, poring helegant nothinx into the Countess's hear at dinner, or gallopin his hoss Desperation hover the exorcisin ground in the Park, — they little think that leader of the tong, seaniinkly so reckliss, is a careworn mann ! and yet so it is. " Imprymus. I've been ableged to get up all the ecomplish- ments at double quick, & to apply myself with treemenjuous energy. " First, — in horder to give myself a hideer of what a gentleman reely is — I've read the novvle of Pelham six times, and am to go through it 4 times mor. " I practis ridin and the acquirement of ' a steady and & a sure seat across Country' assijuously 4 times a week, at the Hippydrum Eiding Grounds. Many's the tumbil I've ad, and the aking boans I've suffered from, though I was grinnin in the Park or laffin at the Opra. " Every morning from 6 till 9, the innabitance of Halbany may have been surprised to hear the sounds of music ishuing from the apartmince of Jeames de la Pluche, Exquire, Letter Hex. It's my dancing-master. Erom six to nine we have walces and polkies — at nine ' mangtiang & depotment,' as he calls it ; & the manner of hentering a room, complimenting the ost & ostess & eom- potting yourself at table. At nine I henter from my dressing- room (has to a party), I make my bow— my master (he's a Marquis in Erance, and ad misfortins, being connected with young Lewy Nepoleum) reseaves me — I hadwance — speak abowt the weather & the toppix of the day in an elegant & cussory manner. Brekfst is enounced by Fitzwarren, my mann — we precede to the festive bord — complimence is igschanged with the manner of drinking wind, adressing your neighbour, employing your napking & finger- glas, &c. And then we fall to brekfst, when I prommiss you the Marquis don't eat like a commoner. He says I'm gettn on very well — soon I shall be able to inwite people to brekfst, like Mr. Mills, my rivle in Halbany ; Mr. Macauly, (who wrote that sweet book of ballets, * The Lays of Hancient Rum ;') & the great Mr. Rodgers himself. 1G8 THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. " The above was wrote some weeks back. I have given brekfsts sins then, reglar Deshunys. I have ad Earls and Ycounts — Barnits as many as I chose : and the pick of the Kailway world, of which I form a member. Last Sunday was a grand Fate. I had the Fleet of my friends : the display was sumptious ; the company reshershy. Everything that Dellixy could suggest was by Grunter provided. I had a Countiss on my right & (the Countess of Wigglesbury, that loveliest and most dashing of Staggs, who may be called the Bail way Queen d, as my friend Greorge H is the Railway King) — on my left the Lady Blanche Bluenose — Prince Towrowski — the great Sir Huddlestone Euddlestone, from the North, and a skoar of the fust of the fashn. I was in my gloary. The dear Countess and Lady Blanche was dying with laffing at my joax and fun. I was keeping the whole table in a roar — when there came a ring at my door-bell, and sudnly Eitzwarren, my man, henters with an air of constanation ; ' Theres somebody at the door,' says he, in a visper. " ' 0, it's that dear Lady Hemily,' says I, ' and that lazy raskle of a husband of her's. Trot them in, Eitzwarren,' (for you see, by this time I had adopted quite the manners and hease of the arristoxy.) — And so, going out, with a look of wonder he returned presently, enouncing Mr. & Mrs. Blodder. " I turned gashly pail. The table — the guests — the Counties — Towrouski, and the rest, weald round & round before my hagitated I's. It was my Grandmother and Huncle Bill. She is a washer- woman at Healing Common, and he — he keeps a wegetable donkey-cart. " T, Y hadn't John, the tiger, igscluded them ? He had tried. But the unconscious, though worthy creeters, adwanced in spite of him, Huncle Bill bringing in the old lady grinning on his harm ! " Ehansy my feelinx." " Immagin when these unfortnat members of my famly neu- tered the room : you may phansy the ixtonnishment of the nobil company presnt. Old Grann looked round the room quite es- tounded by its horientle splender, and huncle Bill (pulling off his phantail, & seluting the company as respeckfly as his wulgar natur would alow) says — ' Crikey, Jeames, you've got a better THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. 169 birth here than you ad where you were in the plush and powder line/ ' Try a few of them plovers hegs, sir,' I says, whishing, I'm asheamed to say, that somethink would choke huncle B • ; ' and I hope, mam, now you've ad the kindniss to wisit me, a little refreshment wont be out of your way.' " This I said, detummind to put a good fase on the matter ; and because, in herly times I'd reseaved a great deal of kindniss from the hold lady, which I should be a roag to forgit. She paid for my schooling; she got up my fine linning gratis; shes given me many & many a lb ; and manys the time in appy appy days when me and Maryhann has taken tea. But never mind that. 1 Mam,' says I, ' you must be tired hafter your walk.' " ' Walk ? Nonsince, Jeames,' says she ; ' its Saturday, & I came in, in the cart.* * Black or green tea, maam ? ' says Fit z warren, intarupting her. And I will say the feller showed his nouce & good breeding in this difficklt momink ; for he'd halready silenced huncle Bill, whose mouth was now full of muffinx, am, Blowny sausag, Perrigole pie, and other dellixies. " ' Wouldn't you like a little somethink in your tea, Mam,' says that sly wagg Cinqbars. ' He knows what I likes,' replies the hawfle hold Lady, pinting to me, (which I knew it very well, having often seen her take a glass of hojous gin along with her Bohee), and so I was ableeged to horder Fitz warren to bring round the licures, and to help my unfortnit rellatif to a bumper of Ollands. She tost it hoff to the elth of the company, giving a smack with her lipps after she'd emtied the glas, which very nearly caused me to phaint with hagny. But, luckaly for me, she didn't igspose herself much farther: for when Cinqbars was pressing her to take another glas, I cried out, ' Don't my lord,' on which old G-rann hearing him edressed by his title, cried out, ' A Lord ! o law ! ' and got up and made him a cutsy, and coodnt be peswaded to speak another word. The presents of the noble gent, heavidently made her uneezy. " The Countiss on my right and had shownt symtms of ixtream disgust at the beayviour of my relations, and having called for her carridge, got up to leave the room, with the most dignified hair. I, of coarse, rose to conduct her to her weakle. Ah, what a con- trast it was ! There it stood, with stars and garters hall hover 170 THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. the pannels ; the footmin in peach-coloured tites ; the hosses worth 3 hundred a-peace ; — and there stood the horrid linnen-cart, with 'Mary Blodder, Laundress, Ealing, Middlesex,' wrote on the bord, and waiting till my abandind old parint should come out. " Cinqbars insisted upon helping her in. Sir Huddlestone Eud- dlestone, the great barnet from the North, who, great as he is, is as stewpid as a howl, looked on, hardly trusting his goggle I's as they witnessed the sean. But little lively good naterd Lady Kitty Quickset, who was going away with the Countiss, held her little & out of the carridge to me and said, ' Mr. De la Pluche, you are a much better man than I took you to be. Though her Ladyship is horrified, & though your Grandmother did take gin for breakfast, don't give her up. No one ever came to harm yet for honoring their father & mother.' " And this was a sort of consolation to me, and I observed that all the good fellers thought none the wuss of me. Cinqbars said I was a trump for sticking up for the old washerwoman ; Lord Greorge Gills said she should have his linning ; and so they cut their joax, and I let them. But it was a great releaf to my mind when the cart drove hoff. "There was one pint which my Grandmother observed, and which, I muss say, I thought lickwise ; ' Ho, Jeames,' says she, ' hall those fine ladies in sattns and velvets is very well, but there's not one of em can hold a candle to Mary Hann.' " " Railway Spec is going on phamusly. Tou should see how polite they har at my bankers now ! Sir Paul Pump Aldgate, & Company. They bow me out of the back parlor as if I was a Nybobb. Every body says I'm worth half a millium. The number of lines they're putting me upon, is inkumseavable. I've put Eitz warren, my man, upon several. Reginald Fitz warren, Esquire, looks splended in a perspectus ; and the raskle owns that he has made two thowsnd. " How the ladies & men too, f oiler and flatter me! If I go into Lady Binsis hopra box, she makes room for me, who ever is there, and cries out, * do make room for that dear creature ! ' And she complyments me on my taste in musick, or my new Broom- THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. 171 oss, or the phansy of my weskit, and always ends by asking me for some shares. Old Lord Bareacres, as stiff as a poaker, as prowd as Loosyfer, as poor as Joab — even he condysends to be siwle to the great De la Pluche, and begged me at Harthur's, lately, in his sollom, pompus way, ' to faver him with five minutes' conversation.' I knew what was coming — application for shares — put him down on my private list. Wouldn't mind the Scrag End Junction passing through Bareacres — hoped I'd come down and shoot there. " I gave the old humbugg a few shares out of my own pocket. * There, old Pride,' says I, 'I like to see you down on your knees to a footman. There, old Pompossaty ! Take fifty pound ; I like to see you come cringing and begging for it.' Whenever I see him in a very public place, I take my change for my money. I digg him in the ribbs, or slap his padded old shoulders. I call him, ' Bareacres, my old buck ! ' and I see him wince. It does my art good. " I'm in low sperits. A disagreeable insadent has just occurred. Lady Pump, the banker's wife, asked me to dinner. I sat on her right, of coarse, with an uncommon gal ner me, with whom I was getting on in my fassanating way — full of lacy ally (as the Mar- quis says) and easy plesntry. Old Pump, from the end of the table, asked me to drink shampane ; and on turning to tak the glass I saw Charles Wackles (with womb I'd been imployed at Colonel Spurriers' house) grinning over his shoulder at the butler. " The beest reckonised me. Has I was putting on my palto in the hall, he came up again : l How dy doo Jeames,' says he, in a findish visper. ' Just come out here, Chawles,' says I, ' I've a word for you, my old boy.' So I beckoned him into Portland Place, with my pus in my hand, as if I was going to give him a sovaring. " ' I think you said " Jeames," Chawles,' says I, ' and grind at me at dinner ? ' " ' Why, sir,' says he, ' we're old friends, you know.' " ' Take that for old friendship then,' says I, and I gave him just one on the noas, which sent him down on the pavemint as if he'd been shot. And mounting myjesticly into my cabb, I 172 THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. left the rest of the grinniDg scoundrills to pick him up, & droav to the Clubb." " Have this day kimpleated a little efair with my friend George, Earl Bareacres, which I trust will be to the advantidge both of self & that noble gent. Adjining the Bareacre proppaty is a small piece of land of about 100 acres, called Squallop Hill, igseeding advantageous for the cultivation of sheep, which have been found to have a pickewlear fine flaviour from the natur of the grass, tyme, heather, and other hodarefarus plants which grows on that mounting in the places where the rox and stones dont prevent them. Thistles here is also remarkable fine, and the land is also devided hoif by luxurient Stone Hedges — much more usefle and ickonomicle than your quickset or any of that rubbishing sort of timber ; indeed the sile is of that fine natur, that timber refuses to grow there altogether. I gave Bareacres 50Z. an acre for this land Vthe igsact premium of my St. Helena Shares) — a very handsom price for land which never yielded two shillings an acre ; and very convenient to his Lordship I know, who had a bill coming due at his Bankers which he had given them. James de la Pluche, Esquire, is thus for the fust time a landed propriator — or rayther, I should say, is about to reshume the rank & dignity in the country which his Hancestors so long occupied." " I have caused one of our inginears to make me a plann of the Squallop Estate, Diddlesexshire, the property of &c, &c, bordered on the North by Lord Bareacres' Country ; on the West by Sir Granby Growler ; on the South by the Hotion. An Arkytect & Survare, a young feller of great emagination, w r omb we have employed to make a survey of the Great Caffrarian line, has built me a beautiful Villar (on paper), Plushton Hall, Diddlesex, the seat of I de la P., Esquire. The house is reprasented a handsome Itallian Structer, imbusmd in woods, and circumwented by beautiful gardings. Theres a lake in front with boatsful of nobillaty and musitions noting on its placid sufface— and a curricle is a driving up to the grand hentrance, and me in it, with Mrs., or perhaps Lady Hangelana de la Pluche. I speak adwisedly. I may be going to form a noble kinexion. I may be (by marridge) going to THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. 173 unight my family once more with Harrystoxy, from which misfortn has for some sentries separated us. I have dreams of that sort. " I've sean sevral times in a dalitifle vishn a serting JErl, standing in a hattitude of bennydiction, and rattafying my union with a serting butifle young lady, his daughter. Phansy Mr. or Sir Jeames and lady Hangelina de la Pluche ! Ho ! what will the old washywoman, my grandmother, say ? She may sell her mangle then, and shall too by my honour as a Gent." " As for Squallop Hill, its not to be emadgind that I was going to give 5000 lb. for a bleak mounting like that, unless I had some ideer in vew. Ham I not a Director of the Grand Diddlesex ? Don't Squallop lie amediately betwigst Old Bone House, Single Gloster, and Scrag End, through which cities our line passes ? I will have 400,000 lb. for that mounting, or my name is not Jeames. I have arranged a little barging too for my friend the Erl. The line will pass through a bangle of Bareacre Park. He shall have a good compensation I promis you ; and then I shall get back the 3000 I lent him. His banker's acount, I fear, is in a horrid state." [The Diary now for several days contains particulars of no interest to the public : — Memoranda of City dinners — meetings of Directors — fashionable parties in which Mr. Jeames figures, and nearly always by the side of his new friend, Lord Bareacres, whose " pompossaty," as previously described, seems to have almost entirely subsided.] We then come to the following : — " With a prowd and thankne Art, I copy off this morning's Gyzett the folloing news : — " ' Commission signed by the Lord Lieutenant of the County of Diddlesex. " ' James Augustus de la Pluche, Esquire, to be Deputy Lieutenant.' " u ' Xorth Diddlesex Eegiment of Yeomanry Cavalry. u ' James Augustus de la Pluche, Esquire, to be Captain, vice Blowhard, promoted.' " 174 THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. * And his it so ? Ham I indeed a landed propriator — a Deppaty Leftnant — a Captiag ? May I hatend the Cort of my Sovring ? and dror a sayber in my country's defens ? I wish the French wood land, and me at the head of my squadring on my hoss Desparation. How I'd extonish 'em ! How the gals will stare when they see me in youniform ! How Mary Hann would — but nonsince ! I'm halways thinking of that pore gal. She's left Sir John's. She couldn't abear to stay after I went, I've heerd say. I hope she's got a good place. Any summ of money that would sett her up in bisniss, or make her comfarable, I'd come down with like a mann. I told my granmother so, who sees her, and rode down to Healing on porpose on Desparation to leave a five lb noat in an anvylope. But she's sent it back, sealed with a thimbill." " Tuesday. Eeseavd the folloing letter from Lord B , rellatiff to my presntation at Cort and the Youniform I shall wear on that hospicious seramony : — " ' My dear de la Pltjche, " ' I think you had better be presentedas a Deputy Lieutenant. As for the Diddlesex Teomanry, I hardly know what the uniform is now. The last time we were out, was in 1803, when the Prince of Wales reviewed us, and when we wore Trench grey jackets, leathers, red morocco boots, crimson pelisses, brass helmets with leopard-skin and a white plume, and the regulation pig-tail of eighteen inches. That dress will hardly answer at present, and must be modified, of course. "We were called the White Feathers, in those days. For my part, I decidedly recommend the Deputy Lieutenant. " ' I shall be happy to present you at the Levee and at the Drawing-room. Lady Bareacres will be in town for the 13th, with Angelina, who will be presented on that day. My wife has heard much of you, and is anxious to make your acquaintance. " ■ All my people are backward with their rents : for Heaven's sake, my dear fellow, lend me five hundred and oblige " ' Yours, very gratefully, " ' Baeeacees.' " Note. Bareacres may press me about the Depity Leftnant — but Tm for the cavvlery." THE DIARY OF C. JEAME3 DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. 175 " Jewly will always be a saerid anniwussary with me. It was in that month that I became persnally ecquaintid with my Prins and my gracious Sovarink. " Long before the hospitious event acurd, you may imadgin that my busm was in no triffling nutter. Sleaplis of nights, I past them thinking of the great ewent — or if igsosted natur did clothes my highlids — the eyedear of my waking thoughts pevaded my slum- mers. Corts, Erls, presntations, Groldstix, gracious Sovarinx mengling in my dreembs unceasnly. I blush to say it (for humin prisumpshn never surely igseeded that of my wicked wickidvishn). One night I actially dremt that Her B. H. the Princess Hallis was grown up, and that there was a Cabinit Counsel to detummin whether her & was to be bestoad on me or the Prins of Sax-Muffinhausen-Pumpenstein, a young Prooshn or Germing zion of nobillaty. I ask umly parding for this hordacious ideer. " I said, in my fommer remarx, that I had detummined to be presented to the notus of my reveared Sovaring in a melintary coschewm. The Court-shoots in which Sivillians attend a Levy are so uncomming like the — the — livries (ojous wud ! I 8 to put it down) I used to wear before entering sosiaty, that I couldn't abide the notium of wearing one. My detummination was fumly fixt to apeer as a Tominry Cavilry Hoffiser, in the galleant youniform of the North Diddlesex Huzzas. " Has that redgmint had not been out sins 1803, I thought myself quite hotherized to make such halterations in the youni- form as shuited the presnt time and my metured and elygint taste. Pigtales was out of the question. Tites I was detummind to mmtain. My legg is praps the finist pint about me, and I was risolved not to hide it under a booshle. " I phixt on scarlit tites, then, imbridered with goold as I have seen Widdicomb wear them at Hashleys when me and Mary Hann used to go there. Ninety-six guineas worth of rich goold lace and cord did I have myhandering hall hover those shoperb inagspressables. " Yellow marocky Heshn boots, red eels, goold spurs and goold tassles as bigg as belpulls. " Jackit — French gray and silver oringe fasings & cuphs, 176 THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. according to the old patn ; belt, green and goold, tight round my pusn, & settin hoff the cemetry of my figgar not disadvintajwsly. " A huzza paleese of pupple velvit & sable fir. A sayber of Demaskus steal, and a sabertash (in which I kep my Odiclone and imbridered pocket ankercher), kimpleat my acooterments, which without vannaty, was, I flatter myself, uneah. " But the crownding triumph was my hat. I couldnt wear a cock At. The huzzahs dont use 'em. I wouldnt wear the hojous old brass Elmet & Leppardskin. I choas a hat which is dear to the memry of hevery Brittn ; an at which was inwented by my Feeld Marshle and adord Prins ; an At which vulgar prejidis § Joahing has in vane etempted to run down. I chose the Halbeet At. I didnt tell Bareacres of this egsabishn of loilty, intending to surprise him. The white ploom of the "West Diddlesex Tomingry I fixt on the topp of this Shacko, where it spread hout like a shaving-brush. " You may be sure that befor the fatle day arrived, I didnt niglect to practus my part well ; and had sevral relmstles, as they say. " This was the way. I used to dress myself in my full togs. I made Fitzwarren, my boddy servnt, stand at the dor, and figger as the Lord in "Waiting. I put Mrs. Bloker, my laundress, in my grand harm chair to reprasent the horgust pusn of my Sovring — Frederick, my secknd man, standing on her left, in the hattatude of an illustrus Prins Consort. Hall the Candles were lighted. ' Captain de la Pluche, presented hy Serl Bareacres? Fitzwarren, my man, igsclaimed, as adwancing I made obasins to the Thrown. Nealin on one nee, I cast a glans of unhuttarable loilty towards The British Crownd, then stepping gracefully hup, (my Dimascus Simiter ivould git betwigst my ligs, in so doink, which at fust was wery disagreeble) — rising hup grasefly, I say, I flung a look of manly but respeckfl hommitch tords my Prins, and then ellygntly ritreated backards out of the Eoil Presents. I kep my 4 suvnts hup for 4 hours at this gaym the night before my presntation, and yet I was the fust to be hup with the sunrice. I coodnt sleep that night. By abowt six o'clock in the morning I was drest in my full uniform — and I didnt know how to pass the interveaning hours. " ' My G-ranmother hasnt seen me in full phigg,' says I. ' It THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. 177 will rejoice that pore old sole to behold one of her race so suxesfle in life.' Has I ave read in the novle of ' Kennleworth,' that the Herl goes down in Cort dress and extoneshes Hamy Rohsart, I will go down in all my splender and astownd my old washy woman of a Granmother. To make this detummination ; to horder my Broom ; to knock down Frederick the groomb for delaying to bring it ; was with me the wuck of a momint. The next sor as galliant a cavyleer as hever rode in a cabb, skowering the road to Healing. " I arrived at the well-known cottitch. My huncle was habsent with the cart ; but the dor of the humble eboad stood hopen, and I passed through the little garding where the close was hanging out to dry. My snowy ploom was ableeged to bend under the lowly porch, as I hentered the apartmint. " There was a smell of tea there — there's always a smell of tea there — the old lady was at her Bohee as usual. I advanced tords her ; but ha ! phansy my extonishment when I sor Mary Hann ! " I halmost faintid with himotion. * Ho, Jeames ! ' (she has said to me subsquintly) * mortial mann never looked so bewtine as you did when you arrived on the day of the Levy. You were no longer mortial, you were diwine ! ' " It ! what little Justas the Hartist has done to my mannly etractions in the groce carriketure he's made of me." ****** " Nothing, perhaps, ever created so great a sensashun as my hentrance to St. Jeames's, on the day of the Levy. The Tuckish Hambasdor himself was not so much remarked as my shuperb turn out. " As a Millentary man, and a North Diddlesex Huzza, I was resolved to come to the ground on hossback. I had Desparation phigd out as a charger, and got 4 Melentery dresses from Ollywell Street, in which I drest my 2 men (Fitzwarren, hout of livry, woodnt stand it), and 2 fellers from Kimles, where my bosses stand at livry. I rode up St. Jeames's Street, with my 4 Hady- congs — the people huzzaying — the gals waving their hankerchers, as if I were a Foring Prins — hall the winders crowdid to see me pass. " The guard must have taken me for a Hempror at least, when I 178 THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. came, for the drums beat, and the guard turned out and seluted me with presented harms. " What a momink of triumth it was ! I sprung myjestickly from Desperation. I gav the rains to one of my horderlies, and, salewting the crowd, I past into the presnts of my Most Gracious Mrs. " You, peraps, may igspect that I should narrait at lenth the suckmstanzas of my hawjince with the British Crown. But I am not one who would gratafy imputtnint curaiosaty. Bispect for our reckonized instatewtions is my fust quallaty. I, for one, will dye rallying round my Thrown. " Suffise it to say, when I stood in the Horgust Presnts, — when I sor on the right & of my Himperial Sovring that Most Gracious Prins, to admire womb has been the chief Objick of my life, my busum was seased with an imotium which my Penn rifewses to dixcribe — my trembling knees halmost rifused their hoffis — I reckleck nothing mor until I was found phainting in the harms of the Lord Chamberling. Sir Bobert Peal apnd to be standing by (I knew our wuthy Primmier by Punch's picturs of him, igspe- cially his ligs), and he was conwussing with a man of womb I shall say nothink, but that he is a Hero of 100 fites, and hevery fite he Jit he one. Nead I say that I elude to Harthur of Wei- lingting ? I introjuiced myself to these Jents, and intend to improve the equaintance, and peraps ast Guvmint for a Barnetcy. " But there was another pusn womb on this droring-room I fust had the inagspressable dalite to beold. This was that Star of fashing, that Sinecure of neighbouring i's, as Milting observes, the ecom- plisht Lady Hangelina Thistlewood, daughter of my exlent frend, John George Godfrey de Bullion Thistlewood, Earl of Bareacres, Baron Southdown, in the Peeridge of the United Kingdom, Baron Haggismore, in Scotland, K.T., Lord Leftnant of the County of Diddlesex, &c. &c. This young lady was with her Noble Ma, when I was kinducted tords her. And surely never lighted on this hearth a more delightfle vishn. In that gallixy of Bewty the Lady Hangelina was the fairest Star — in that reath of Loveliness the sweetest Bosebud! Pore Mary Hann, my Art's young affeckshns had been senterd on thee; but like water through a siw, her immidge disapeared in a momink, and left me intransd in the presnts of Hangelina ! " Lady Bareacres made me a myjestick bow — a grand and hawfle THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. 179 pusnage her Ladyship is, with a Koming Nose, and an enawmus ploom of Hostridge phethers ; the fare Hangelina smiled with a sweetness perfickly bewhildring, and said, ' 0, Mr. De la Pluche, I'm so delighted to make your acquaintance, I have often heard of you.' " ' Who,' says I, * has mentioned my insiggnificknt igsistance to the fair Lady Hangelina, kel bonure irjstrame poor nnvaw ; ' (for you see I've not studdied Pelham for nothink, and have lunt a few French phraces, without which no Gent of fashn speaks now.) " ' 0,' replies my lady, ' it was Papa first ; and then a very, very old friend of yours.' " ' "Whose name is,' says I, pusht on by my stoopid curaw- saty, , " ' Hoggins — Mary Ann Hoggins ' — ansurred my lady (laffing phit to splitt her little sides.) ' She is my maid, Mr. De la Pluche, and I'm afraid you are a very sad, sad person.' " c A mere baggytell,' says I. ' In fommer days I was equainted with that young woman ; but haltered suckmstancies have seppar- ated us for hever, and mong cure is irratreevably perdew elsewhere.' " ' Do tell me all about it. Who is it ? When was it ? We are all dying to know.' " ' Since about two minnits, and the Ladys name begins with a Ha,' says I, looking her tendarly in the face, and conjring up hall the fassanations of my smile. " ' Mr. De la Pluche,' here said a gentleman in whiskers and mistashes standing by, ' hadn't you better take your spurs out of the Countess of Bareacres' train?' — 'Never mind Mamma's train ' (said Lady Hangelina) : ' this is the great Mr. De la Pluche, who is to make all our fortunes — yours too. Mr. De la Pluche, let me 'present you to Captain George Silvertop.' — The Capting bent just one jint of his back very slitely ; I retund his stare with equill hottiness. ' Go and see for Lady Bareacres' carridge, Charles,' says his Lordship ; and vispers to me, ' a cousin of ours — a poor relation.' So I took no notis of the feller when he came back, nor in my subsquint visits to Hill Street, where it seems a knife and fork was laid reglar for this shabby Capting." n2 180 THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. " Thusday Night. — Hangelina, Hangelina, my paslm for you hogments daily ! I've bean with her two the Hopra. I sent her a bewtifle Camellia Jyponiky from Covn Garding, with a request she would wear it in her raving Air. I woar another in my butn- ole. Evns, what was my sattusfackshn as I leant hover her chair, and igsammined the house with my glas ! "She was as sulky and silent aspawsble, however — would scarcely speek ; although I kijoled her with a thowsnd little plesntries. I spose it was because that wulgar raskle Silvertop, wood stay in the box. As if he didn' know (Lady B.'s as deaf as a poast and counts for nothink) that people sometimes like atatytaty." " Friday. — I was sleeples all night. I gave went to my feelings in the folloring lines — there's a hair out of Balfe's Hopera that she's fond of. I edapted them to that mellady. " She was in the droring-room alone with Lady B. She was wobbling at the pyanna as I hentered. I flung the convasation upon mewsick ; said I sung myself, (I've ad lesns lately of Signor Twankydillo) ; and, on her rekwesting me to faver her with somethink, I bust out with my pom : " 'WHEN MOONLIKE OER THE HAZURE SEAS. " ' When moonlike ore the hazure seas In soft effulgence swells, When silver jews and balmy breaze Bend down the Lily's bells ; When calm and deap, the rosy sleap Has lapt your soal in dreems, R Hangeline ! R lady mine ! Dost thou remember Jeames ? " ' I mark thee in the Marble All, Where Englands loveliest shine — I say the fairest of them hall Is Lady Hangeline. My soul, in desolate eclipse, With recollection teems — And then I hask, with weeping lips, Dost thou remember Jeames ? THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. 181 " ' Away ! I may not tell thee hall This soughring heart endures — There is a lonely sperrit-call That Sorrow never cures ; There is a little, little Star, That still above me beams ; It is the Star of Hope — but ar ! Dost thou remember Jeames ? ' " When I came to the last words, * Dost thou remember Je-e-e-ams,' I threw such an igspresshn of unuttrable tenderniss into the shake at the hend, that Hangelina could bare it no more. A bust of uncumtrollable emotium seized her. She put her ankercher to her face and left the room. I heard her laffing and sobbing histerickly in the bedwor. " O Hangelina — My adord one, My Arts joy ! " " Babeacbes, me, the ladies of the famly, with their sweet, Southdown, B's eldest son, and George Silvertop, the shabby Cap ting (who seames to git leaf from his ridgmint whenhever he likes), have beene down into Diddlesex for a few days, enjying the spawts of the feald there. " Never having done much in the gunning line (since when a hinnasent boy, me and Jim Cox used to go out at Healing, and shoot sparrers in the Edges with a pistle) — I was reyther dowtfle as to my suxes as a shot, and practusd for some days at a stoughd bird in a shooting gallery, which a chap histed up and down with a string. I sugseaded in itting the hannimle pretty well. I bought Awker's ' Shooting- Guide,' two double-guns at Mantings, and salected from the French prints of fashn the most gawjus and ellygant sportting ebillyment. A lite blue velvet and goold cap, woar very much on one hear, a cravatt of yaller & green imbroidered satting, a weskit of the McGrigger plaid, & a jacket of the McWhirter tartn, (with large motherapurl butns, engraved with coaches & osses, and sporting subjix), high leather gayters, and marocky shooting shoes, was the simple hellymence of my costewm, and I natter myself set hoff my figger in rayther a fayverable way. I took down none of my own pusnal istablish- mint except Fitzwarren, my hone mann, and my grooms, with 182 THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. Desparation and my curricle osses, and the Fourgong containing my dressing-case and close. " I was hevery where introjuiced in the county as the great Rail- road Cappitlist, who was to make Diddlesex the most prawsperous districk of the hempire. The squires prest forrards to welcome the new comer amongst 'em; and we had a Hagricultural Meating of the Bareacres tenantry, where I made a speech, droring tears from heavery i. It was in compliment to a layborer who had brought up sixteen children, and lived sixty years on the istate on seven bobb a week. I am not prowd, though I know my station. I shook hands with that mann in lavinder kidd gloves. I told him that the purshuit of hagriculture was the noblist hockupations of humannaty : I spoke of the yoming of Hengland, who (under the command of my hancisters) had con- quered at Hadjincourt & Cressy ; and I gave him a pair of new velveteen inagspressables, with two and six in each pocket, as a reward for three score years of labor. Eitzwarren, my man, brought them forrards on a satting cushing. Has I sat down, defning chears selewted the horator ; the band struck up ' The Good Old English Gentleman.' I looked to the ladies galry ; my Hangelina waived her ankasher and kissd her & ; and I sor in the distans that pore Mary Hann efected evidently to tears by my ellaquints." " What an adwance that gal has made since she's been in Lady Hangelina's company ! Sins she wears her young lady's igs- ploded gownds and retired caps and ribbings, there's an ellygance abowt her which is puffickly admarable ; and which, haddid to her own natral bewty & sweetniss, creates in my boozum serting sen- satiums * * * Shor ! I mustn't give way to fealinx unwuthy of a member of the aristoxy. What can she be to me but a mear recklection — a vishn of former ears ? " I'm blest if I didn mistake her for Hangelina herself yesterday. I met her in the grand Collydore of Bareacres Castle. I sor a lady in a melumcolly hattatude gacing outawinder at the setting sun, which was eluminating the fair parx and gardings of the hancient demean. " ' Bewchus Lady Hangelina,' says I — ' A penny for your Lady- ship's thought,' says I. THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. 183 " ' Ho Jeames ! Ho, Mr. De la Pluche ! ' hansered a well- known vice, with a haxnt of sadnis which went to my art. " You know what my thoughts are, well enough. I was thinking of happy, happy old times, when both of us were poo — poo — oor,' says Mary Hann, busting out in a phit of crying, a thing I can't ebide. I took her and tried to cumft her : I pinted out the diffrents of our sitawashns ; igsplained to her that proppaty has its jewties as well as its previletches, and that my juty clearly was to marry into a noble famly. I kep on talking to her (she sob- bing and going hon hall the time) till Lady Hangelina herself came up — ' The real Siming Pewer,' as they say in the play. " There they stood together — them two young women. I don't know which is the ansamest. I coodn help comparing them; and I coodnt help comparing myself to a certing Hannimle I've read of, that found it difficklt to make a choice betwigst 2 Bundles of A." " That ungrateful beest Fitzwarren — my oanman— a feller I've maid a fortune for — a feller I give 100 lb. per hannum to ! — a low bred Wallydyshamber ! He must be thinking of falling in love too ! and treating me to his imperence. "He's a great big athlatic feller — six foot i, with a pair of black whiskers like air-brushes — with a look of a Colonel in the harmy — a dangerous pawmpus-spoken raskle I warrunt you. I was coming ome from shuiting this hafternoon — and passing through Lady Hangelina' s flour-gar ding, who should I see in the summerouse, but Mary Hann pretending to em an ankyshr and Mr. Fitzwarren paying his cort to her. "'You may as well have me, Mary Hann,' says he. 'I've saved money. "We'll take a public-house and I'll make a lady of you. I'm not a purse-proud ungrateful fellow like Jeames — who's such a snob (' such a snobb ' was his very words !) that I'm ashamed to wait on him — who's the laughing stock of all the gentry and the housekeeper's room too — try a man,' says he — ' don't be taking on about such a humbug as Jeames.' " Here young Joe the keaper's sun, who was carrying my bagg, bust out a laffing — thereby causing Mr. Fitzwarren to turn round and intarupt this polite convasation. 184 THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. " I was in such a rayge. ' Quit the building, Mary Hann,' says I to the young woman — ' and you, Mr. Pitzwarren, have the goodness to remain.' " ' I give you warning,' roars he, looking black, blue, yaller — all the colours of the ranebo. " ' Take hoff your coat, you imperent, hungrateful scoundrl,' says I. " ' It's not your livery,' says he. " ' Peraps you'll understand me, when I take off my own,' says I, unbuttoning the motherapurls of the MacWhirter tartn. ' Take my jackit, Joe,' says I to the boy, — and put myself in a hattitude about which there was no mistayh. * * * * * * " He's 2 stone heavier than me — and knows the use of his ands as well as most men; but in a fite, blood's everytliinh ; the Snobb can't stand before the gentleman ; and I should have killed him, I've little doubt, but they came and stopt the fite betwigst us before we'd had more than 2 rounds. " I punisht the raskle tremenjusly in that time, though ; and I'm writing this in my own sittn-room, not being able to come down to dinner on account of a black-eye I've got, which is sweld up and disfiggrs me dreadfl." " On account of the hoffle black i which I reseaved in my rang- counter with the hinfimus Pitzwarren, I kep my roomb for sevral days, with the rose-coloured curtings of the apartmint closed, so as to form an agreeable twilike ; and a light-bloo sattin shayd over the injard pheacher. My woons was thus made to become me as much as pawsable ; and (has the Poick well observes ^JNun but the Brayv desuvs the Pare ') I cumsoled myself in the sasiaty of the ladies for my tempory disfiggarmeut. " It was Mary »Hann who summind the House and put an end to my phistycoughs with Pitzwarren. I licked him and bare him no mallis : but of corse I dismist the imperent scoundrill from my suvvis, apinting Adolphus, my page, to his post of confidenshle Valley. " Mary Hann and her young and lovely Mrs. kep paying me continyoul visits during my retiremint. Lady Hangelina was THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. 185 halways sending me messidges by her : while my exlent friend, Lady Bareacres (on the contry) was always sending me toakns of affeckslm by Hangelina. Now it was a coolin hi-lotium, inwented by herself, that her Ladyship would perscribe — then, agin, it would be a booky of flowers (my favrit ' polly hanthuses, pellagoniums, and jyponikys), which none but the fair &s of Hangelina could dispose about the chamber of the hinvyleed. Ho ! those dear mothers ! when they wish to find a chans for a galliant young feller, or to ixtablish their dear gals in life, what awpertunities they will give a man ! You'd have phansied I was so hill (on account of my black hi), that I couldnt live exsep upon chicking and spoon-meat, and jellies, and blemonges, and that I couldnt eat the latter dellixies (which I ebomminate onternoo, prefurring a cut of beaf or muttn to hall the kickpshaws of France), unless Hangelina brought them. I et 'em, and sacrafised myself for her dear sayk. " I may stayt here that in privit convasations with old Lord B. and his son, I had mayd my propoasls for Hangelina, and was axepted, and hoped soon to be made the appiest gent in Heng- land. " ' You must break the matter gently to her,' said her hexlent father. ' You have my warmest wishes, my dear Mr. De la Pluche, and those of my Lady Bareacres ; but I am not — not quite certain about Lady Angelina's feelings. Girls are wild and romantic. They do not see the necessity of prudent establish- ments, and I have never yet been able to make Angelina under- stand the embarrassments of her family. These silly creatures prate about love and a cottage, and despise advantages which wiser heads than theirs know how to estimate.' " ' Do you mean that she aint fassanated by me?' says I, busting out at this outrayjus ideer. " ' She will be, my dear sir. You have already pleased her, — your admirable manners must succeed in captivating her, and a fond father's wishes will be crowned on the day in which you enter our family.' "'Becklect, gents,' says I to the 2 lords, — 'a barging's a barging — I'll pay hoff Southdown' s Jews, whem I'm his brother — as a straynger — (this I said in a sarcastickle toan) — I wouldnt 186 THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. take such a libbaty. "When I'm your suninlor I'll treble the valyou of your estayt. I'll make your incumbrinces as right as a trivit, and restor the ouse of Bareacres to its herly splender. But a pig in a poak is not the way of transacting bisniss imployed by Jeames De la Pluche, Esquire.' " And I had a right to speak in this way. I was one of the greatest scrip-holders in Hengland ; and calclated on a kilossle fortune. All my shares was rising immence. Every poast brot me noose that I was sevral thowsnds richer than the day befor. I was detummind not to reerlize till the proper time, and then to buy istates ; to found a new family of Delapluches, and to alie myself with the aristoxy of my country. " These pints I reprasented to pore Mary Hann hover and hover agin. ' If you'd been Lady Hangelina, my dear gal,' says I, ' I would have married you : and why don't I ? Because my dooty prewents me. I'm a marter to dooty ; and you, my pore gal, must cumsole yorself with that ideer.' " There seamd to be a consperracy, too, between that Silvertop and Lady Hangelina to drive me to the same pint. ' "What a plucky fellow you were, Pluche,' says he (he was rayther more familliar than I liked), ' in your fight with Eitzwarren ! — to engage a man of twice your strength and science, though you were sure to be beaten (this is an etroashous folsood : I should have finnisht Eitz in 10 minnits), for the sake of poor Mary Hann ! That's a generous fellow. I like to see a man risen to eminence like you, having his heart in the right place. "When is to be the marriage, my boy ? ' " ' Capting S.,' says I, f my marridge consunns your most umble servnt a precious sight more than you ; ' — and I gev him to under- stand I didn't want him to put in his ore — I wasn't afrayd of his whiskers, Iprommis you, Capting as he was. I'm a British Lion, I am : as brayv as Bonypert, Hannible, or Holiver Crummle, and would face bagnits as well as any Evy drigoon of 'em all. " Lady Hangelina, too, igspawstulated in her hartn way. ' Mr. De la Pluche (seshee), why, why press this point ? You can't suppose that you will be happy with a person like me ? ' " ' I adoar you, charming gal ! ' says I, ' Never, never go to say any such thing.' THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. 187 " ' You adored Mary Ann first ;' answers her Ladyship ; ' you can't keep your eyes off her now. If any man courts her you grow so jealous that you begin beating him. You will break the girl's heart if you don't marry her, and perhaps some one else's — but you don't mind that.* " ' Break yours, you adoarible creature ! I'd die first ! And as for Mary Hann, she will git over it; people's arts aint broakn so easy. Once for all, suckmstances is changed betwigst me and er. It's a pang to part with her, (says I, my fine hi's filling with tears), but part from her I must.' " It was curius to remark abowt that singlar gal, Lady Hange- lina, that melum colly as she was when she was talking to me, and ever so disml — yet she kep on laffiug every minute like the juice and all. "'What a sacrifice!' says she, 'it's like ^Napoleon giving up Josephine. What anguish it must cause to your susceptible heart ! ' " ' It does,' says I—' Hagnies ! ' (Another laff.) " ' And if — if I don't accept you — you will invade the States of the Emperor, my Papa, and I am to be made the sacrifice and the occasion of peace between you ! ' " ' I don't know what you're eluding to about Joseyfeen and Hemperors your Pas ; but I know that your Pa's estate is over hedaneers morgidged ; that if some one don't elp him, he's no better than an old pawper ; that he owes me a lot of money ; and that I'm the man that can sell him up hoss & foot ; or set him up agen — that's what I know, Lady Hangelina,' says I, with a hair as much as to say, " Put that in your ladyship's pipe and smoke it.' "And so I left her, and nex day a serting fashnable paper enounced — " ' Marbiage in High Life. — We hear that a matrimonial union is on the tapis between a gentleman who has made a colossal fortune in the Eailway World, and the only daughter of a noble earl, whose estates are situated in D — ddles — x. An early day is fixed for this interesting event.' " " Contry to my expigtations (but when or ow can we reckn upon 188 THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. the fealinx of wimming ?) Mary Han didn't seem to be mnch efected by the hideer of my marridge with Hangelinar. I was rayther disapinted peraps that the fickle young gal reckumsiled herself so easy to giving me hup, for we Grents are creechers of vannaty after all, as well as those of the hopsit seeks : and betwigst you and me there was mominx, when I almost whisht that I'd been borne a Myommidn or Turk, when the Lor would have permitted me to marry both these sweet beinx, wherehas I was now condemd to be appy with ony one. " Meanwild every-think went on very agreeble betwigst me and my defianced bride. "When we came back to town I kemishnd Mr. Showery the great Hoctionear to look out for a town manshing sootable for a gent of my quallaty. I got from the Erald Hoffis (not the Mawning Erald — no no, I'm not such a Mough as to ' go there for ackrit infamation) an account of my famly, my harms and pedigry. " I horderd in Long Hacre, three splendid equipidges, on which my arms and my adbrd wife's was drawn & quartered ; and I got portricks of me and her paynted by the sellabrated Mr. Shalloon, being resolved to be the gentleman in all things, and knowing that my character as a man of fashn wasn't compleat unless I sat to that dixtinguished Hartist. My likenis I presented to Hangelina. It's not considered flattring — and though sJie parted with it, as you will hear, mighty willingly, there's one young lady (a thousand times handsomer) that values it as the happle of her hi. " Would any man beleave that this picture was soald at my sale for about a twenty-fifth part of what it cost me ? It was bought in by Maryhann, though : — ' O dear Jeames,' says she, often (kissing of it & pressing it to her art) ' it isn't \ ansum enough for you, and hasn't got your angellick smile and the igspreshn of your dear dear i's.' " Hangelina' s pictur was kindly presented to me by Countess B., her mamma, though of coarse, I paid for it. It was engraved for the Booh of Bewty the same year. " With such a perfusion of ringlits I should scarcely have known her — but the ands, feat, and i's, was very like. She was painted in a gitar supposed to be singing one of my little melladies ; and THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. 189 her brother Southdown, who is one of the New England poits, wrote the follering stanzys about her : — « LINES UPON MY SISTER'S PORTRAIT. BY THE LORD SOUTHDOWN. " The castle towers of Bareacres are fair upon the lea, Where the cliffs of bonny Diddlesex rise up from out the sea : I stood upon the donjon keep and view'd the country o'er, I saw the lands of Bareacres for fifty miles or more. I stood upon the donjon keep — it is a sacred place, — "Where floated for eight hundred years the banner of my race ; Argent, a dexter sinople, and gules an azure field, There ne'er was nobler cognizance on knightly warrior's shield. "The first time England saw the shield 'twas round a Norman neck, On board a ship from Valery, King "William was on deck. A Norman lance the colours wore, in Hastings' fatal fray - St. Willibald for Bareacres ! 'twas double gules that day ! O Heaven and sweet St. Willibald ! in many a battle since A loyal-hearted Bareacres has ridden by his Prince ! At Acre with Plantagenet, with Edward at Poitiers, The pennon of the Bareacres was foremost on the spears ! " 'Twas pleasant in the battle-shock to hear our war-cry ringing : grant me, sweet St. Willibald, to listen to such singing ! Three hundred steel-clad gentlemen, we drove the foe before us, And thirty score of British bows kept twanging to the chorus ! knights, my noble ancestors ! and shall I never hear Saint Willibald for Bareacres through battle ringing clear ? I'd cut me off this strong right hand a single hour to ride, And strike a blow for Bareacres, my fathers, at your side ! * Dash down, dash down, yon Mandolin, beloved sister mine ! Those blushing lips may never sing the glories of our line : Our ancient castles echo to the clumsy feet of churls, The spinning Jenny houses in the mansion of our Earls. Sing not, sing not, my Angeline ! in days so base and vile, 'Twere sinful to be happy, 'twere sacrilege to smile. I'll hie me to my lonely hall, and by its cheerless hob I'll muse on other days, and wish — and wish I were — A Snob. " All young Hengland, I'm told, considers the poim bewtifle. They're always writing about battleaxis and shivvlery, these young chaps ; but the ideer of Southdown in a shoot of armer, and his cuttin hoff his ' strong right hand,' is rayther too good ; the feller is about 5 fit hi, — as ricketty as a babby, with a vaist like a 190 THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. gal, — and, though he may have the art and curridge of a Bengal tyger, I'd back my smallest cab-boy to lick him, — that is, if I ad a cab-boy. But io ! my cab-days is over. " Be still my hagnizing Art ! I now am about to hunfoald the dark payges of the Istry of my life ! " " My friends ! you've seen me ither2 in the full kerear of Fortn, prawsprus but not hover prowd of my prawsperraty ; not dizzy though mounted on the haypix of Good Luck — feasting hall the great (like the Good Old Henglish Gent in the song, which he has been my moddle and igsample through life) but not forgitting the small — No, my beayviour to my granmother at Healing shows that. I bot her a new donkey cart (what the Erench call a cart- blansh) and a handsome set of peggs for anging up her linning, and treated Huncle Jim to a new shoot of close, which he ordered in St. Jeames's Street, much to the estonishment of my Snyder there, namely an olliff-green velvyteen jackit and smalclose, and a crimsn plush weskoat with glas-buttns. These pints of genarawsaty in my disposishn I never should have eluded to, but to show that I am naturally of a noble sort ; and have that kind of galliant carridge which is equel to either good or bad forting. " What was the substns of my last chapter ? In that everythink was prepayred for my marridge — the consent of the parents of my Hangelina was gaynd, the lovely gal herself was ready (as I thought) to be led to Himing's halter — the trooso was hordered — the wedding dressis were being phitted hon — a weddinkake weighing half a tunn was a gettn reddy by Mesurs Gunter, of Buckley Square ; there was such an account for Shantilly and Honiton laces as would have staggerd hennyboddy (I know they did the Commissioner when I came hup for my Stiffikit) and has for Injar-shawls I bawt a dozen sich fine ones as never was given away — no not by Hiss Iness the Injan Prins Juggernaut Tygore. The juils (a pearl and dimind shoot) were from the establishmint of Mysurs Storr and Mortimer. The honey-moon I intended to pass in a continentle excussion, and was in treaty for the ouse at Halberd-gate (hopsit Mr. Hudson's) as my town-house. I waited to cumclude the putchis untie the Share-Markit which wasravther THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. 191 deprest (oing I think not so much to the atax of the misrabble Times, as to the prodidjus flams of the Morning Urald) was restored to its elthy toan. I wasn't goin to part with scrip which was 20 primmium at 2 or 3 ; and bein confidnt that the Markit would rally, had bought very largely for the two or three new accounts. " This will explane to those unfortnight traydsmen to womb I gayv orders for a large igstent ow it was that I couldn't pay their accounts. I am the soal of onour — but no gent can pay when he has no money : — it's not my fault if that old screw Lady Bareacres cabbidged three hundred yards of lace, and kep back 4 of the biggest diminds and seven of the largist Injar Shawls — it's not my fault if the tradespeople didn git their goods back, and that Lady B. declared they were lost. I began the world, afresh with the close on my back, and thirteen and six in money, concealing nothink, giving up heverythink, Onist and undismayed, and though beat, with pluck in me still, and ready to begin agin. • Well — it was the day before that apinted for my Unium. The 'Ringdove steamer was lying at Dover ready to carry us hoff. The Bridle apartmince had been hordered at Salt Hill, and subsquintly at Balong sur Mare — the very table cloth was laid for the weddn brexfst in 111 Street, and the Bride's Eight Eeverend Huncle, the Lord Bishop of Bullocksmithy, had arrived to sellabrayt our unium. All the papers were full of it. Crowds of the fashnable world went to see the trooso : and admire the Carridges in Long Hacre. Our travleng charrat (light bloo lined with pink satting, and vermillium and goold weals) was the hadmaration of all for quiet ellygns. We were to travel only 4, viz., me, my lady, my vally, and Mary Hann as famdyshamber to my Hangelina. Far from oposing our match, this worthy gal had quite givn into it of late, and laught and joakt, and enjoyd our plans for the fewter igseedinkly. " I'd left my lovely Bride very gay the night before — aving a multachewd of bisniss on, and Stockbrokers and bankers' accounts to settle : atsettrey atsettrey. It was layt before I got these in horder : my sleap was feavrish, as most mens is when they are going to be marrid or to be hanged. I took my chocklit in bed about one : tride on my wedding close, and found as ushle that they became me exeedingly. 192 THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. " One thing distubbed my mind — two weskts had been sent home. A blush-white satting and gold, and a kinary coloured tabbinet imbridered in silver; — which should I wear on the hospicious day ? This hadgitated and perplext me a good deal. I detummined to go down to Hill Street and cumsult the Lady whose wishis were henceforth to be my hallinall ; and wear whichever she phixt on. " There was a great bussel and distubbans in the Hall in 111 Street: which I etribyouted to the eproaching event. The old porter stared most uncommon when I kem in — the footman who was to enounce me laft I thought — I was going up stairs — " ' Her ladyship's not — not at home,' says the man ; ' and my lady's hill in bed.' " * Git lunch,' says I, ' I'll wait till Lady Hangelina returns.' " At this the feller loox at me for a momint with his cheex blown out like a bladder, and then busts out in a reglar guflau ! the porter jined in it, the impident old raskle : and Thomas says, slapping his and on his thy, without the least respect — 1 1 say, Huffy, old boy I isn't this a good un ? ' " ' "Wadyermean, you infunnle scoundrel,' says I, ' hollaring and laffing at me ? ' "*0 here's Miss Mary Hann coming up,' says Thomas, 'ask her ' — and indeed there came my little Mary Hann tripping down the stairs — her &s in her pockits ; and when she saw me she began to blush and look hod & then to grin too. " ' In the name of Imperence,' says I, rushing on Thomas, and collaring him fit to throttle him — 'no raskle of a flunky shall insult me,' and I sent him staggerin up aginst the porter, and both of 'em into the hall-chair with a flopp — when Mary Hann, jumping down, says, ' O James ! Mr. Plush ! read this ' — and she pulled out a billy doo. " I reckanized the and- writing of Hangelina. "Deseatful Hangelina's billy ran as follows :— " ' I had all along hoped that you would have relinquished pre- tensions which you must have seen were so disagreeable to me ; and have spared me the painful necessity of the step which I am com- pelled to take. For a long time I could not believe my parents THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. 103 were serious in wishing to sacrifice me, but have in vain entreated them to spare me. I cannot undergo the shame and misery of a union with you. To the very last hour I remonstrated in vain, and only now anticipate, by a few hours, my departure from a home from which they themselves were about to expel me. " ■ When you receive this, I shall be united to the person to whom, as you are aware, my heart was given long ago. My parents are already informed of the step I have taken. And I have my own honour to consult, even before their benefit : they will forgive me, I hope and feel, before long. " ' As for yourself, may I not hope that time will calm your exquisite feelings too ? I leave Mary Ann behind me to console you. She admires you as you deserve to be admired, and with a constancy which I entreat you to try and imitate. Do, my dear Mr. Plush, try — for the sake of your sincere friend and admirer, " < A. " ' P.S. I leave the wedding-dresses behind for her : the diamonds are beautiful, and will become Mrs. Plush admirably.' " " This was hall ! — Confewshn ! And there stood the footmen sniggerin, and that hojus Mary Hann half a cryin, half a laffing at me ! * "Who has she gone hoff with ? ' rors I ; and Mary Hann (smiling with one hi) just touched the top of one of the Johns' canes who was goin out with the noats to put hoff the brekfst. It was Silvertop then ! " I bust out of the house in a stayt of diamoniacal igsitement ! : ' The stoary of that ilorpmint J have no art to tell. Here it is from the ' Morning Tatler ' newspaper. "ELOPEMENT IN HIGH LIFE. "the only authentic account. " The neighbourhood of Berkeley Square, and the whole fashionable world, has been thrown into a state of the most painful excitement by an event which has just placed a noble family in great perplexity and affliction. " It has long been known among the select nobility and gentry o 194 THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLtJCHE, ESQ. that a marriage was on the tapis between the only daughter of a Noble Earl, and a Gentleman whose rapid fortunes in the railway- world have been the theme of general remark. Yesterday's paper, it was supposed, in all human probability would have contained an account of the marriage of James De la PI — che, Esq., and the Lady Angelina , daughter of the Bight Honourable the Earl of B— re — cres. The preparations for this ceremony were com- plete : we had the pleasure of inspecting the rich trousseau (prepared by Miss Twiddler, of Pall Mall) ; the magnificent jewels from the establishment of Messrs. Storr and Mortimer ; the elegant marriage cake, which, already cut up and portioned, is, alas ! not destined to be eaten by the friends of Mr. De la PI — che ; the superb carriages, and magnificent liveries, which had been provided in a style of the most lavish yet tasteful sumptuo- sifcy. The Eight Reverend the Lord Bishop of Bullocksmithy had arrived in town to celebrate the nuptials, and is staying at Mivart's. What most have been the feelings of that venerable prelate, what those of the agonised and noble parents of the Lady Angelina — when it was discovered, on the day previous to the wedding, that her Ladyship had fled the paternal mansion ! To the venerable Bishop the news of his noble niece's departure might have been fatal : we have it from the waiters of Mivart's that his Lordship was about to indulge in the refreshment of turtle soup when the news was brought to him ; immediate apo- plexy was apprehended ; but Mr. Macann, the celebrated surgeon of Westminster, was luckily passing through Bond Street at the time, and being promptly called in, bled and relieved the exem- plary patient. His Lordship will return to the Palace, Bullock- smithy, to-morrow. " The frantic agonies of the Eight Honourable the Earl of Bareacres can be imagined by every paternal heart. Ear be it from us to disturb — impossible is it for us to describe their noble sorrow. Our reporters have made inquiries every ten minutes at the Earl's mansion in Hill Street, regarding the health of the Noble Peer and his incomparable Countess. They have been received with a rudeness which we deplore but pardon. — Ore was threatened with a cane ; another, in the pursuit of his official in- quiries, was saluted with a pail of water a third gentleman was THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. 195 menaced in a pugilistic manner by his Lordship's porter; but being of an Irish nation, a man of spirit and sinew, and Master of Arts of Trinity College, Dublin, the gentleman of our establish- ment confronted the menial, and having severely beaten him, retired to a neighbouring hotel much frequented by the domestics of the surrounding nobility, and there obtained what we believe to be the most accurate particulars of this extraordinary occurrence. " George Frederick Jennings, third footman in the establish- ment of Lord Bareacres, stated to our employe as follows : — Lady Angelina had been promised to Mr. De la Pluche for near six weeks. She never could abide that gentleman. He was the laughter of all the servants' hall. Previous to his elevation he had himself been engaged in a domestic capacity. At that period he had offered marriage to Mary Ann Hoggins, who was living in the quality of ladies' maid in the family where Mr. De la P. was employed. Miss Hoggins became subsequently ladies' maid to Lady Angelina — the elopement was arranged between those two. — It was Miss Hoggins who delivered the note which informed the bereaved Mr. Plush of his loss. " Samuel Buttons, page to the Eight Honourable the Earl of Bareacres, was ordered on Friday afternoon at eleven o'clock to fetch a cabriolet from the stand in Davies Street. He selected the cab, No. 19,796, driven by George Gregory Macarty, a one- eyed man from Clonakilty, in the neighbourhood of Cork, Ireland (of whom more anon), and waited, according to his instructions, at the corner of Berkeley Square with his vehicle. His young lady, accompanied by her maid, Miss Mary Ann Hoggins, carrying a band-box, presently arrived, and entered the cab with the box : what were the contents of that box we have never been able to ascertain. On asking her Ladyship whether he should order the cab to drive in any particular direction, he was told to drive to Madame Crinoline's, the eminent milliner in Cavendish Square. On requesting to know whether he should accompany her ladyship, Buttons was peremptorily ordered by Miss Hoggins to go about his business. " Having now his clue, our reporter instantly went in search of cab 19,796, or rather the driver of that vehicle, who was dis- covered with no small difficulty at his residence, "Whetstone Park, o2 196 THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. Lincoln's Inn Fields, where lie lives with his family of nine chil- dren. Having received two sovereigns, instead doubtless of two shillings (his regular fare, by the way, would have been only one and eightpence), Macarty had not gone out with the cab for the two last days, passing them in a state of almost ceaseless intoxi- cation. His replies were very incoherent in answer to the queries of our reporter ; and, had not that gentleman himself been a com- patriot, it is probable he would have refused altogether to satisfy the curiosity of the public. " At Madame Crinoline's, Miss Hoggins quitted the carriage, and a gentleman entered it. Macarty describes him as a very clever gentleman (meaning tall) [with black moustaches, Oxford-grey trowsers, and black hat and a pea-coat. He drove the couple to the Euston Square Station, and there left them. How he em- ployed his time subsequently we have stated. " At the Euston Square Station, the gentleman of our esta- blishment learned from Frederick Corduroy, a porter there, that a gentleman answering the above description had taken places to Derby. "We have despatched a confidential gentleman thither, by a special train, and shall give his report in a second edition. " SECOND EDITION. " (From our Reporter.) " ' Newcastle, Monday. " ' I am just arrived at this ancient town, at the Elephant and Cucumber Hotel. A party travelling under the name of Mr. and Mrs. Jones, the gentleman wearing moustaches, and having with them a blue band-box, arrived by the train two hours before me, and have posted onwards to Scotland. I have ordered four horses, and write this on the hind boot, as they are putting to.' "THIRD EDITION. " ' Gretna Green, Monday Evening. "'The mystery is at length solved. This afternoon, at four, o'clock, the Hymeneal Blacksmith, of Gretna Green, celebrated the marriage between George Granby Silvertop, Esq., a Lieutenant in the 150th Hussars, third son of General John Silvertop, of THE DIARY OF C. JEAME3 DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. 197 Silvertop Hall, Yorkshire, and Lady Emily Silvertop, daughter of the late sister of the present Earl of Bareacres, and the Lady Angelina Amelia Arethusa Anaconda Alexandrina Alicompania Annemaria Antoinetta, daughter of the last-named Earl Bareacres.' {Here follows a long extract from the Marriage Service in the Booh of Common Prayer, which was not read on the occasion, and need not be repeated here.) " ' After the ceremony, the young couple partook of a slight refreshment of sherry and water — the former, the Captain pro- nounced to be execrable ; and, having myself tasted some glasses from the very same bottle with which the young and noble pair were served, I must say I think the Captain was rather hard upon mine host of the Bagpipes Hotel and Posting House, whence they instantly proceeded. I follow them as soon as the horses have fed. "FOURTH EDITION. "'shameful treatment op our reporter. " ' Whistlebinkie, N.B. Monday, midnight. " ' I arrived at this romantic little villa about two hours after the newly-married couple, whose progress I have the honour to trace, reached Whistlebinkie. They have taken up their resi- dence at the Cairngorm Arms — mine are at the other hostelry, the Clachan of Whistlebinkie. " l On driving up to the Cairngorm Arms, I found a gentleman of military appearance standing at the door, and occupied seem- ingly in smoking a cigar. It was very dark as I descended from my carriage, and the gentleman in question exclaimed, ' Is it you, Southdown, my boy ? You have come too late ; unless you are come to have some supper ; ' or words to that effect. I explained that I was not the Lord Viscount Southdown, and politely apprised, Captain Silvertop (for I justly concluded the individual before me could be no other) of his mistake. " ' Who the deuce (the captain used a stronger term) are you, then ? ' said Mr. Silvertop. ' Are you Baggs and Tape well, my uncle's attorneys ? If you are, you have come too late for the lair.' 198 THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. " ' I briefly explained that I was not Baggs and Tapewell, but that my name was J — ns, and that I was a gentleman connected with the establishment of the Morning Tatler newspaper. " * And what has brought you here, Mr, Morning Tatler ? ■ asked my interlocutor, rather roughly. My answer was frank — that the disappearance of a noble lady from the house of her friends had caused the greatest excitement in the metropolis, and that my employers were anxious to give the public every parti- cular regarding an event so singular. " ' And do you mean to say, sir, that you have dogged me all the way from London, and that my family affairs are to be pub- lished for the readers of the Morning Tatler newspaper? The Morning Tatler be (the Captain here gave utterance to an oath which I shall not repeat) and you too, sir ; you impudent meddling scoundrel.' " ' Scoundrel, sir ! ' said I. ' Yes,' replied the irate gentleman, seizing me rudely by the collar — and he would have choked me, but that my blue satin stock and false collar gave way, and were left in the hands of this gentleman. ' Help, landlord! ' I loudly exclaimed, adding, I believe, ' murder,' and other exclamations of alarm. In vain I appealed to the crowd, which by this time was pretty considerable ; they and the unfeeling post-boys only burst into laughter, and called out, \ Give it him, Captain.' A struggle ensued, in which, I have no doubt, I should have had the better, but that the Captain, joining suddenly in the general and indecent hilarity, which was doubled when I fell down, stopped, and said, ' Well, Jims, I won't fight on my marriage-day. Gro into the tap, Jims, and order a glass of bran dy-and- water at my expense — and mind I don't see your face tomorrow morning, or I'll make it more ugly than it is.' " ' With these gross expressions and a cheer from the crowd, Mr. Silvertop entered the inn. I need not say that I did not partake of his hospitality, and that personally I despise his insults. I make them known that they may call down the indignation of the body of which I am a member, and throw myself on the sympathy of the public, as a gentleman shamefully assaulted and insulted in the discharge of a public duty.' " THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. 199 " Thus you've sean how the flower of my affeckshns was tawn out of my busm, and my art was left Heading. Hangelina ! I forgive thee. Mace thou be appy ! If ever artfelt prayer for others wheel awailed on i, the beink on womb you trampled addresses those subblygations to Evn in your be-a- ! " I went home like a maniack, after hearing the anouncement of Hangelina' s departer. She'd been gone twenty hours when I heard the fatle noose. Purshoot was vain. Suppose I did kitch her up, they were married, and what could we do ? This sensable remark I made to Earl Bareacres, when that distragted nobleman igspawstulated with me. Er who was to have been my mother-in- lor, the Countiss, I never from that momink sor agin. My presnts, troosoes, juels, &c, were sent back — with the igsepshn of the diminds and Cashmear shawl, which her Ladyship coodn't find. Ony it was wispered that at. the nex buthday she was seen with a shawl igsacMy of the same pattn. Let er keep it. " Southdown was phurius. He came to me hafter the ewent, and wanted me to adwance 50 lb, so that he might purshew his fewgitif sister — but I wasn't to be ad with that sort of chaugh — there was no more money for that famly. So he went away, and gave huttrance to his feelinx in a poem, which appeared (price 2 guineas) in the Bel Asombly. " All the juilers, manchumakers, lacemen, coch bilders, apolstrers, hors dealers, and weddencake makers came pawring in with their bills, haggravating feelings already woondid beyond enjurants. That madniss didn't seaze me that night was a mussy. Eever, fewry, and rayge rack'd my hagnized braind, and drove sleap from my throbbink ilids. Hall night I follered Hangelinar in imadgana- tion along the North Road. I wented cusses & mallydickshuns on the hinfamus Silvertop. I kickd and rord in my unhuttarable whoe ! I seazd my pillar : I pitcht into it : pummld it, strangled it, ha har ! I thought it was Silvertop writhing in my Jint grasp ; and taw the hordayshis villing lim. from lim in the terrible strenth of my despare ! Let me drop a cutting over the memries of that night. "When my boddy-suvnt came with my ot water in the mawning, the livid copse in the charnill was not payler than the gashly De la Pluche ! " ' Give me the Share-list, Mandeville,' I micanickly igsclaimed. 200 THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. I had not perused it for the past 3 days, my etention being engayged elseware. Hevns & huth ! — what was it I red there ? "What was it that made me spring outabed as if sumbady had given me cold pig ? — I red Kewin in that Share list — the Pannick was in full hoparation ! ***** " Shall I describe that kitastrafy with which hall Hengland is fimilliar? My & rifewses to cronnicle the misfortns which lassarated my bleeding art in Hoctober last. On the fust of Hawgust Avhere was I ? Director of twenty-three Companies ; older of scrip hall at a primmium, and worth at least a quarter of a millium. On Lord Mare's day, my Saint Helena's quotid at 14 pm, were down at i discount ; my Central Ichaboes at f discount ; my Table Mounting & Hottentot Grand Trunk, no where ; my Bathershins and Derrynane Beg, of which I'd bought 2000 for the account at 17 primmium down to nix ; my Juan Fernandez, & my Great Central Oregons prostrit. There was a momint when I thought I shouldn't be alive to write my own tail ! " (Here follow in Mr. Plush's MS. about twenty-four pages of railroad calculations, which we pretermit.) " Those beests, Pump & Aldgate, once so cringing and umble, wrote me a threatnen letter because I overdrew my account three- and-sixpence : woodn't advance me five thousand on 25000 worth of scrip ; kep me waiting 2 hours when I asked to see the house ; and then sent out Spout, the jewnior partner, saying they wouldn't discount my paper, and implawed me to clothes my account. I did : I paid the three-and-six balliance, and never sor 'em mor. " The market fell daily. The Eewin grew wusser and wusser. Hagnies, Hagnies ! It wasn't in the city aloan my misfortns came upon me. They beerded me in my own ome. The biddle who kips watch at the Halbany wodn keep misfortn out of my chambers; and Mrs. Twiddler, of Pall- Mall, and Mr. Hunx, of Long Acre, put egsicution into my apartmince, and swep off every stick of my furniture. ' Wardrobe & furniture of a man of fashion.' "What an adwertisement George Robins did make of it ; and what a crowd was collected to laff at the prospick of my ruing ! My chice plait ; my seller of wine ; my picturs — that of myself included (it was Maryhann, bless her ! that bought it, THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA TLUCHE, ESQ. 201 unbeknown to me) ; all — all went to the aramer. That brootle Fitzwarren, my ex-vally, womb I met, fimilliarly slapt me on the sholder, and said, ' Jeames, my boy, you'd best go into suwis aginn.' " I did go into suwis — the wust of all suvvices — I went into the Queen's Bench Prison, and lay there a misrabble captif for G mortial weeks'. Misrabble shall I say ? no, not misrabble alto- gether ; there was sunlike in the dunjing of the pore prisner. I had visitors. A cart used to drive hup to the prizn gates of Saturdays ; a washy woman's cart, with a fat old lady in it, and a young one. Who was that young one ? Every one who has an art can gess, it was my blue-eyed blushing hangel of a Mary Hann ! ' Shall we take him out in the linnen-basket, grand- mamma ? ' Mary Hann said. Bless her, she'd already learned to say grandmamma quite natral ; but I didn't go out that way ; I went out by the door a white-washed man. Ho, what a feast there was at Healing the day I came out ! I'd thirteen shillings left when I'd bought the gold ring. I wasn't prowd. I turned the mangle for three weeks ; and then Uncle Bill said, * "Well, there is some good in the feller ; ' and it was agreed that we should marry." The Plush manuscript finishes here : it is many weeks since we saw the accomplished writer, and we have only just learned his fate. We are happy to state that it is a comfortable and almost a prosperous one. The Honorable and Bight Beverend Lionel Thistlewood, Lord Bishop of Bullocksmithy, was mentioned as the uncle of Lady Angelina Silvertop. Her elopement with her cousin caused deep emotion to the venerable prelate : he returned to the palace at Bullocksmithy, of which he had been for thirty years the episcopal ornament, and where he married three wives, who lie buried in his Cathedral Church of St. Boniface, Bullocksmithy. The admirable man has rejoined those whom he loved. As he was preparing a charge to his clergy in his study after dinner, the Lord Bishop fell suddenly down in a fit of apoplexy ; his butler, bringing in his accustomed dish of devilled-kidneys for supper, discovered the venerable form extended on the Turkey carpet with a glass of Madeira in his hand ; but life was extinct : and surgical aid was therefore not particularly useful. 202 THE DIARY OF C. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ. All the late prelate's wives had fortunes, which the admirable man increased by thrifty the judicious sale of leases which fell in during his episcopacy, &c. He left three hundred thousand pounds — divided between his nephew and niece — not a greater sum than has been left by several deceased Irish prelates. What Lord Southdown has done with his share we are not called upon to state. He has composed an epitaph to the Martyr of Bullocksmithy, which does him infinite credit. But we are happy to state that Lady Angelina Silvertop presented five hundred pounds to her faithful and affectionate servant, Mary Ann Hoggins, on her marriage with Mr. James Plush, to whom her Ladyship also made a handsome present — namely, the lease, good-will, and fixtures of the " Wheel of Fortune " public house, near Sheppherd's Market, May Fair ; a house greatly frequented by all the nobility's footmen, doing a genteel stroke of business in the neighbourhood, and where, as we have heard, the " Butlers' Club " is held. Here Mr. Plush lives happy in a blooming and interesting wife : reconciled fco a middle sphere of life, as he was to a humbler and a higher one before. He has shaved off his whiskers, and accom- modates himself to an apron with perfect good humour. A gentle- man connected with this establishment dined at the Wheel of Fortune, the other day, and collected the above particulars. Mr. Plush blushed rather, as he brought in the first dish, and told his story very modestly over a pint of excellent port. He had only one thing in life to complain of, he said — that a witless version of his adventures had been produced at the Princess's theatre, " without with your leaf or by your leaf," as he expressed it. "Has for the rest," the worthy fellow said, "I'm appy — praps betwixt you and me I'm in my proper spear. I enjy my glass of beer or port (with your elth & my suwice to you, sir), quite as much as my clarrit in my prawsprus days. I've a good busniss, which is likely to be better. If a man can't be appy with such a wife*as my Mary Hann, he's a beest : and when a christening takes place in our famly, will you give my complments to Mr. Punch, and ask him to be godfather." BRADBURY AND EVANS, PRINTER?, ■WH1TEFBIARS. MR. THACKERAY'S COLLECTED WORKS, MISCELLANIES, PROSE AND TERSE : STORIES, ESSAYS AND SKETCHES, SATIRICAL, BURLESQUE, AND SENTIMENTAL. By W. M. THACKEKAY. Contents of Vols. 1 and 2, price 6s. each; also published separately at the following prices : VOL. I d. BALLADS 1 THE SNOB PAPERS 2 *. d. MAJOR GAHAGAN 1 THE FATAL BOOTS ) , A COX'S DIARY \ 1 ° THE YELLOWPLUSH MEMOIRS ) , JEAMES'S DIARY J * VOL. II. 1 A | NOVELS BY EMINENT HANDS ) CHARACTER SKETCHES. SS AND TRAVELS IN LONDON, It. 1 6 The Collection -will be comprised in Four Volumes, and will contain Mr. Thackeray's early Novels — " Barry Lyndon ; " " Catherine ; " " The Shabby Genteel Story," revised and in part re-written by the Author; the "Bur- lesque Tales j the ** Social Sketches," from Punch, Fraser's Magazine, and other Periodicals ; and the Ballads and Verses written during the last ten years. "This reprint of ' Miscellanies ' is a good service done to the general public. Few books of this season are so sure of a wide and welcome acceptance." — AtJierusum, Nov. 10, 1855. "There are not many English writers who have furnished contributions to esta- blished periodicals which when collected are so truly, and in the most delightful sense of the word, ' Miscellanies,' as the minor works of Mr. Thackeray. Of the humour and feeling of his ballads, and the light touch of his satire in short tales and essays, we have charming specimens in the par- ticular volumes before us ; and the union of good writing with an excellent spirit of fun promises to make of every volume forming this collected edition a book as per- fectly amusing as the present." — Examiner, Nov. 3, 1855. BRADBURY & EVANS, 11, BOUVERIE STREET. pfr t ■ Mr. THACKERAY'S COLLECTED WORKS. MISCELLANIES, PROSE AND TERSE: STORIES, ESSAYS, AND SKETCHES, SATIRICAL, BURLESQUE, AND SENTIMENTAL. By W. M. THACKERAY. Contents of Vols. 1 and 2, price 6s. each ; also published separately at the following prices : Ballads The Snob Papers vol. I. d. ,2 s. d, Gaiiagan 1 Major The Fatal Boots Cox's Diary } 1 VOL. II. The Yellowplush ^ Memoirs >2 Jeames's Diary ...J Novels by Eminent^ Hands Vl G Character Sketches J Sketches and Travels in London, 2s. The Collection will be comprised in Four Volumes, and will contain Mr. Thackeray's early Novels — " Babby Lyndon ; " " Catherine ; " " The Shabby Genteel Story," revised and in part re-written by the Author; the " Burlesque Tales ; " the "Social Sketches," from .Munch, Eraser's Magazine, and other periodicals ; and the Ballads and Verses written during the last ten years. "This reprint of 'Miscellanies' is a : vice done to the general public. Few books of this season are so sure of a wide and welcome acceptance." — Athe- naeum, Nov. 10, 1855. " There are not many English writers who have furnished contributions to established periodicals which when col- lected are so truly, and in the most de- lightful sense of the word, ' Miscellanies,' as the minor works of Mr. Thackeray. Of the humour and feeling of his ballads, and the light touch of his satire in short tales and essays, we have charming spe- cimens in the particular volumes before us ; and the union of good writing with an excellent spirit of fun promises to make of every volume forming this col- lected edition a book as perfectly amusing as the present."— -Examiner, Nov. 3, 1855. BRADBURY & EVANS, 11, BOUVERIE STREET. Bradbury & Evans, Printers, 'Whiie.'riars.