THE LIBRARY 
 
 OF 
 
 THE UNIVERSITY 
 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
 LOS ANGELES
 

 
 Scrambled Oil 
 
 " Rogers gave a swift look 
 at Rockyfeller." Page 31 
 
 Frontispiece
 
 ME AND LAWSON 
 
 HUMPTY" HOTFOOTS LITTLE RUN IN WITH 
 
 FRENZIED COPPER, AMALGAMATED GAS 
 
 AND SCRAMBLED OIL 
 
 BY RICHARD WEBB 
 
 ILLUSTRATIONS BY 
 
 W. W. DENSLOW 
 
 G. W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY 
 
 PUBLISHERS NEW YORK
 
 COPYEIOHT, 1905, BY 
 
 Q. W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY 
 
 Issued April, IMS 
 
 ME AND LAWSON
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 CHAP. X PAGB 
 
 I HUMPTT AND THE BOSS . . . .15 
 
 " Head Hissers in the Snake House " 
 II SCRAMBLED OIL 25 
 
 'tLike a Marble Monument and a Sea 
 Serpent Going to Drown Their Mother- 
 in-Laws " 
 
 III AMALGAMATED GAS 43 
 
 "Worse than the Smell of Violets in a 
 Man-led Minister's Moustache " 
 
 IV THE LAMB DANCE 73 
 
 "The Return Ticket of a Shot-off Sky 
 rocket "
 
 ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 PAGE 
 
 SCRAMBLED OIL Frontispiece 
 
 "Rogers gave a swift look at Rockyfeller " 
 
 AMALGAMATED GASSERS 47 
 
 " Addicks, light this cigar with some of your 
 Stage Money " 
 
 ME AND THE BOSS 51 
 
 "An Organ of my Own " 
 
 THE LAMB DANCE 75 
 
 "Doing double quick stunts"
 
 HUMPTY AND THE BOSS
 
 HUMPTY AND THE BOSS 
 "HEAD HISSEES IN THE SNAKE HOUSE" 
 
 HEE! but them Wall Street 
 Separators has got a 
 nerve to call Mister Law- 
 son a Spider-web Speiler. 
 He ain't a chink laundry 
 ticket in a pink shirt fac 
 tory 'side of them. They 
 don't do a thing to you but Annex all 
 you got and then wire the News to 
 mother-in-law. 
 How do I know f 
 
 Didn't I onct work in a Stomach-cure 
 
 Foundry that old Eockyfeller bought 
 
 out, and ain't I bin Lawson's Head 
 
 Hurry-boy since I let the Western 
 
 15
 
 Me and Lawson 
 
 Union print me name on their door 
 knob? 
 
 It puts me to the Laughing Gas when 
 I hear them Willie- Wises chin about the 
 high-man money game. They ain't 
 Next no more than a bowlegged billy 
 goat at a head-push horse show. 
 
 There's only one 18-karat Gold Fish 
 in the Coin Aquarium just now, and 
 that's me close friend, Thomas Solar- 
 Plexus Lawson. 
 
 The first time I seen him was when I 
 delivered a Gas-stove message from 
 Colonel Bill Greene about his coming 
 to Boston to shoot the shingles off 
 the Boss's Brain Barn. I whizzed up 
 to his door in me Two-calf Panthard 
 Bubble and sent in me card by meself. 
 The Soda- Water Sammy who shuffles 
 the gate money and tells you the Boss is 
 out when he's in, and sorry for it, was 
 16
 
 Humpty and the Boss 
 
 rattled about something and sent me 
 straight to the Captain 's Office. 
 
 I had seen a bunch of first-money Ga- 
 zeepers like John Soakem Sullivan, 
 Cassie Borrow Chadwick, Divorce-Bill 
 Cody, and was keen to put me Lamps 
 on Lawson. 
 
 I walked up to him like a cop on pay 
 day and pushed the telegram in his 
 right mit. He gave me a f ar-Eockaway 
 look with a Hetty Green smile as he un- 
 canned the message. I held me cap in 
 me hand while he read it, and in a min 
 ute he went up in the air to beat a Sub 
 way dago on top of a blast. He made 
 motions that put Jitsoo to the Milk 
 Toast, and his Face Music was as rough 
 house as a police captain talking fire 
 works to his men. 
 
 I was rubbering for a cyclone cellar 
 when he began to write his come-back; 
 17
 
 Me and Lawson 
 
 but it must have been raining in Mex 
 ico, as the bull fight didn't come off. 
 
 In about three squirts of a seltzer 
 bottle he passed me his reply and I 
 skated out of the place like a fly what 
 had got too busy with a bald head. 
 
 On me run back to the office I read 
 the paper, and it was this way: 
 
 DEAR BILL Welcome to Dreamhurst. Come 
 early and avoid the rush. You don't say 
 whether your weapon is a Dope gun, or one 
 for exterminating Insects. In either case may 
 I suggest that you try it on Yourself, as my 
 Dog is now quite well, thank you. 
 
 Yours, until the next time, 
 
 LAWSOX. 
 
 On the level now, do you think them 
 Scrambled-oil Wine Openers could 
 grease up a Wire like that ? 
 
 It wasn't till after I had carried a lot 
 18
 
 Humpty and the Boss 
 
 of Cholera-mixture Messages for him 
 that he gave me the Happy High Sign 
 and handed me a Heart-to-heart. 
 
 One morning when the weather was 
 weinerwurst than Sasaprilla at a Hi 
 bernian Picnic, I goes to him with a 
 wire from his right bower, Jack Croach, 
 asking about sending any more fake 
 telegrams from New York in the name 
 of prominent people, and he turns to me 
 with this : 
 
 " Well, young man, how is your 
 friend, Mister Rockyfeller, this morn 
 ing ? What do you think of Bible-class 
 Preferred? How would you like to be 
 the Oil Man? " 
 
 I know'd he was guying me, and 
 quick as a flashlight of Russell Sage 
 taking money, I sed, 
 
 ' ' Me for you, Mister Lawson. You 're 
 the real Boston Bunker-hill Cream 
 19
 
 Me and Lawson 
 
 Puff. You're making them Highbind 
 ers look like an Uncle Sam toy terrier 
 with a Philippine tin can tied to his 
 Tab." 
 
 " Then you think they're on the run, 
 do you! " 
 
 11 Shure, Mike," sez I, " havn't they 
 hired a Talk-tosser with a Shamrock 
 name to throw Word Bombs at you? 
 Didn't Mister Rogers go to Europe to 
 let his coppers cool off, and didn't 
 Eockyfeller's Kid go acrost too, after 
 handing his bunch of White Mice Doo- 
 gooders a flock of Yarn Mottoes to eat 
 while he was gone? ' 
 
 " Do you see many people reading 
 Nobody 's Magazine I ' ' sez he. 
 
 " You bet, and hear 'em talking 
 
 about it, too. Some sez you're the guy 
 
 what owns it, others sez it's Charley 
 
 Moss, the banker, and some sez they 
 
 20
 
 Humpty and the Boss 
 
 don't give a dam. One Gazabo sed you 
 dropped a Coffin-full of Ashes in your 
 High Ball by leaving the editors mix 
 some of your Speil with the ads in the 
 back of the magazine, and by printing 
 some Paid Puffs about yourself, writ 
 by need-the-money newspaper men. ' ' 
 
 Then I asked him if he was for the 
 Golden Eule, and he sed he was a plain 
 man, the 'Friend of the People, and a 
 Copper One was good enough for him, 
 specially when he made it Hisself. 
 
 I was renting meself to the Western 
 Onion by the week, and about the fifth 
 birthday of me job Lawson sez to me, 
 
 ' ' Humpty, how would you like to be 
 a High Funny-businesser with me and 
 have Wall Street call you one of the 
 Head Hissers in the Snake House? " 
 
 I cleared a couple of Goodluck Horse 
 shoes out of me throat, and sed, 
 21
 
 " You're on, Mister Lawson; I'm 
 stuck on you. You 're the only Haughty 
 Porch-climber what wipes his feet on 
 the Family Mat before making the 
 Touch, and then puts his own freight- 
 car seal on the window blind to keep 
 out Common Grafters." 
 
 He laughed as loud as a row of 
 Canned Fruit exploding in a Bum Gro 
 cery and hired me before I could tell 
 him about me orphaned mother, and me 
 being the only one she had to lean on 
 when her thirst was working. 
 
 I give the Western Onion notice, and 
 wham! splash! their stock bumped for 
 ten points when the News showed up on 
 the ticker. 
 
 22
 
 SCRAMBLED OIL
 
 SCRAMBLED OIL 
 
 "LIKE A MARBLE MONUMENT AND A 
 SEA SERPENT GOING TO DROWN THEIR 
 MOTHER-IN-LAWS " 
 
 HE first day I wore the Law- 
 son collar I put a patent 
 leather shine on the Ton- 
 neau of me Pants setting 
 outside of his private 
 Scheming Vault, looking 
 wise. 
 
 I must have made a hit with him from 
 the jump, because he kept me sticking- 
 plaster close all the time. I did me best 
 to catch his pitching and railroad the 
 guys he didn't want to mouth-organ 
 with. 
 
 25
 
 Me and Lawson 
 
 There were a couple of Roof -gar den 
 Robbies in his Office Chorus what I 
 called the White-spat Sisters, because 
 they dressed in tandem and rushed the 
 same Acterine. The word Leaksky was 
 printed all over their Face Plates and I 
 put 'em on the Slippery Elm Card from 
 the start. 
 
 It wasn't long before I caught them 
 pulling the bung out of the Boss's 
 Secret-keg, and it was Me to the Pinker- 
 ton solo. 
 
 I swam into the Boss, just as he was 
 having a careless picture of Himself 
 took for the magazine, and after 
 breathing heavy through both barrels 
 of me smeller, like a fly cop, I sed, fuss 
 ing me face in the place where the 
 Black Moustache ought to be : 
 
 " Mister Lawson, you need a Word- 
 Plumber. There's a Leak in your catch 
 26
 
 Scrambled Oil 
 
 basin. Give me the go-ahead bell and 
 I'll put you wise." 
 
 Then I told him the whole story. 
 
 He give his cigar a couple of mad- 
 dog bites and then he takes me by the 
 shoulders and sez, swift but kind as a 
 missionary, 
 
 " Humpty, you're a good boy. By 
 gad, you 're worth any two men I know. 
 You can play Croquet in my Cemetery 
 Lot any time you want to." 
 
 Then he hands me a Ten Spot, right 
 off the roll in his overalls, and tells me 
 to come back in three hours. 
 
 I went out on the street looking for 
 a Bank to do me Private Business with, 
 and swelled up so Mud-rich that I 
 couldn't feel the sidewalk, nor tell the 
 Apple Woman from Little Eva. 
 
 I was Johnny-on-the-spot when the 
 three hours had went down into the cel- 
 27
 
 Me and Lawson 
 
 lar of the clock to take a Rip Van Win 
 kle, but the Boss was at the home plate 
 with the bat in his mits when I sailed in. 
 
 He looked Absent Bug for a minute, 
 like a travelling man wondering if he 
 can trust the chambermaid with the 
 watch he left under his pillow, and 
 sed, 
 
 " Humpty, they say it's wrong to 
 send a boy on a man's errand, but I 
 don't know a man I can trust, so here 
 goes. I want you to go over to New 
 York to-morrow night and take a letter 
 to Mister Rogers. The job must be done 
 Secretly. If any one should get wise to 
 your trip, or if you fall down on any 
 part of me instructions, it will hurt me 
 more than I can make you understand. 
 You must deliver the letter to the Main 
 Squeeze himself, and talk to no one but 
 him. Do you think you can do it ? ' 
 28
 
 Scrambled Oil 
 
 " Sure as Roosevelt," sez I, " fire 
 away." 
 
 " It will be necessary," sez he, " for 
 you to be next to the contents of the 
 letter, so listen Hard; 
 
 " I think it would be worth a lot of 
 money to Mister Eogers to have me Stop 
 doing something that I'm doing, and I 
 am sure we can Both make more money 
 by playing the Game together. I will 
 write the letter so to make him Wise 
 to this fact and all you have to do is 
 bring back his answer. It will be Yes 
 or No, and if it 's Yes he will tell you a 
 day, hour and place where we can meet. 
 If he should Welch on Me and print the 
 letter you must be ready to tell the Bos 
 ton newspaper reporters that a man 
 what I will tell you how to describe 
 come to your house at ten o'clock at 
 night, give you the letter and instruc- 
 29
 
 Me and Lawson 
 
 tions, and told you I would phone you 
 at the Imperial hotel in New York at 
 nine in the morning, which of course I 
 won't do." 
 
 I inhaled all that the Boss handed me 
 and blew out of me Cigarette Chimney 
 what was Chop Suey to me Keason 
 Works. 
 
 The next night it was Humpty to the 
 Pullman. 
 
 I had a catechism of a time seeing 
 Mister Rogers, but about three in the 
 afternoon I was squirted into his 
 office by a Morgue-faced Mut what 
 must have had Paris-green Prunes for 
 lunch. 
 
 Bleeding Biscuits! but Rogers has 
 got a great Face on him. It makes me 
 swallow hard when I think of it in the 
 dark. I onct saw a oil picture of a 
 white battleship shooting at a black 
 30
 
 Scrambled Oil 
 
 torpedo boat in a night storm. That's 
 Him, all right. 
 
 He took me letter and told me to sit 
 down. 
 
 He looked at the bottom of it, then at 
 me. He read about half of it and 
 slipped a Haughty Grin like a business 
 man telling his wife she don't under 
 stand Politics. Then he et up the rest 
 of it; and, Great Bumps! I could just 
 see the sailors inside of him bringing 
 up shot for the guns. 
 
 I was getting set to soak him in the 
 watch chain with me head if he come for 
 me when the door opened and in comes 
 the Original Human Church. 
 
 His Steeples was as bald as a Fly's 
 Heaven. If I was a mosquito I'd be 
 ashamed to take the money. Eogers 
 give a swift, private-code look into the 
 Cathedral Windows of the Psalm-faced 
 Guy, and sed, 
 
 31
 
 Me and Lawson 
 
 " Mister Kockyfeller, read that Cur- 
 ish Dastard's latest insult." 
 
 His Steeples took me letter cool as a 
 prayer book and read it through twict 
 without a Bark. Next he takes off his 
 glasses, as slow as if it was Sunday 
 Afternoon and forty miles from church. 
 Then he looks up, slowly opens his Talk 
 Factory, and sez, 
 
 " Mister Rogers, won't you kindly 
 step into the nex' room? ' 
 
 They went out, looking like a Marble 
 Monument and a Sea Serpent going to 
 drown their Mother-in-laws, and closed 
 the door behind them, but the wall was 
 only dinky glass and I could hear them 
 fine as a phonograph. 
 
 Rogers touched off his cannon first, 
 and sez, 
 
 " I have kept Mum as long as I am 
 going to. That Brass-beaked vulture 
 32
 
 Scrambled Oil 
 
 has reviled me till Every String in me 
 Harp Hisses with Hellish Pains. The 
 time has came to go after him with all 
 our guns. The public are amazed at 
 our Tabbycat Silence and think us 
 prison-guilty of the charge. As evi 
 dence, consider those doings in Kansas 
 and the bunch of search-me investiga 
 tions recently ordered. 
 
 " That stuff of Donohue's won't melt 
 the people's ear-wax. Nothing short 
 of a Real Thing Eeply, hot from my 
 own Personal Gas Range, will satisfy 
 them, and stem the dirty tide which this 
 Boston Boaster has started humping. 
 I '11 admit that Ice House Silence is dig 
 nified, but when it is had at the price of 
 public confidence it is too much of a 
 Luxury for me palate. You must re 
 lease me from my promise not to talk." 
 
 He spieled like a actor and I marked 
 33
 
 Me and Lawson 
 
 down in me nut every fat word he sed, 
 so I could hand it to the Boss right. 
 
 Then solemn-faced Grandpa whistled 
 for the brakes and cut in with, 
 
 " Mister Eogers, you must forbear. 
 No good can possibly come from recog 
 nizing this man in any way. "We are 
 Glass-arm Powerless to cut any ice with 
 words. You cannot deny his chatters in 
 a hunk because they are based on Half- 
 mast Truths. If you admit he has rung 
 up the Right Change on any part of 
 them so to deny the balance you '11 have 
 to give away conditions which the pub 
 lic ain't wise enough to see in the Right 
 Light the light which comes only from 
 burning Our Oil. 
 
 " Remember the masses behind the 
 votes can't tumble to Higher Finance 
 or the workings of the great organiza 
 tions which are necessary to provide 
 34
 
 Scrambled Oil 
 
 Safe Investments for the hundreds of 
 millions paid in Scrambled Oil Divi 
 dends every three moons. 
 
 " It isn't Safe on First to tell the 
 people what, why, when and Who we 
 are doing. It would not interest them, 
 and then agin it is none of Their busi 
 ness. No, Mister Eogers, you cannot 
 punch back at this Bully without doing 
 ourselves the most harm. And what 
 Fusses us injures our unlearned chil 
 dren, the Public." 
 
 For a little it was as quiet as a cold 
 poker game when the Sucker with the 
 Fixed Hand starts to bet heavy. Then 
 Mister Eogers cleared his pipes with a 
 steam hiss, and sed: 
 
 ' * What would you say to me meeting 
 
 him in a Eubber Shoe Place, jollying 
 
 him in a paternal manner on the fight 
 
 he has put up, pretend to take him In 
 
 35
 
 Me and Lawson 
 
 with us, and then fix him like a Safety 
 Match, so he can't strike fire except on 
 Our Box ? His letter shows he is ready 
 for the Glad Hand, and his chest is so 
 swelled that if I stand close he won't 
 see me set His Watch back an hour be 
 hind Standard Time. 
 
 " The man is at least embarrassing 
 all of the Big Eich Institutions in the 
 country by pumping Harmful Thinks in 
 the minds of the masses, and," sez he, 
 sharp as a pitcher catching a batter be 
 tween bases, " he ought to be Licked, 
 and I'd like to be the guy what does it 
 for the Public Good, of course." 
 
 Quicker than a Jersey Busy-bug 
 shooting his stinger, the church bells 
 begun to toll in the Other Guy's throat, 
 and he sed: 
 
 " No, Henry, you're wrong again. 
 "We mustn't seem to be wise to his ever 
 36
 
 Scrambled Oil 
 
 having lived or snarled. The Silence- 
 what-won't-come-off is our only Mud 
 guard. Send the boy back with a 
 Proper Impression; if you ain't got no 
 objection I'll talk to him meself." 
 
 Then the both of them comes back 
 with faces like a Blank Draw in a Grab 
 Bag, and Mister Eockyf eller sez to me, 
 
 ' l My dear young man, who gave you 
 this letter and told you to give it to 
 me friend here? ' 
 
 With that he throws me a Mother-I- 
 have - won - the - spelling - prize - at - 
 school look, and clears his pipes like a 
 Factory Whistle where the strikers had 
 lost out. 
 
 I was as sore as an Undertaker at a 
 Wedding, and sed : 
 
 " The man what give me that Hot 
 Talk Package was me best friend and 
 side partner, Mr. Thomas Whollop'em 
 37
 
 Lawson, a thoroughbred Boston Bull- 
 terrier with a flock of Jim Jefferies 
 Fists for Teeth." 
 
 I must have crossed over the Old 
 One's guard and landed, because he 
 looked like a Cook's tourist what had 
 lost the Bunch. But he changed his 
 mind with a Quick Monkey Wrench and 
 sed, soft as molasses, 
 
 " Young feller, we Don't Know any 
 such man." 
 
 ' * You don 't, ' ' sez I, * ' well, if you 're 
 the Head Can in the Kerosene Crowd, 
 and I'm sure you is, you'll have to buy 
 a couple more Golf Grounds and a Pad 
 ded Prayer Mat before me Boss hangs 
 you on the line to dry." 
 
 With that I turned to Mister Eogers 
 and sez : 
 
 II I come here for an answer; yes or 
 no. Which is it?" 
 
 38
 
 Scrambled Oil 
 
 He looked hard into me lamps and 
 sed, cold as a skating rink, 
 
 " The gentleman Outside will show 
 you the way to the elevator. ' ' 
 
 So I chased meself, and wired to the 
 Boss: 
 
 "Fishing is bad; the Bait is bum. The 
 goat won't eat the Paper. Will be home in 
 the morning. HUMPTY." 
 
 The Boss said I did the job as good 
 as any Man, and that he thought he 
 would try a new Upper Cut which had 
 just walked into his Thinking Gallery. 
 
 39
 
 AMALGAMATED GAS
 
 AMALGAMATED GAS 
 
 "WORSE THAN THE SMELL OF VIOLETS 
 IN A MARRIED MINISTER'S MOUSTACHE" 
 
 OUT six o 'clock one day the 
 Boss comes to me and sed: 
 " Humpty, I want you to 
 report for duty at nine to 
 night at me rooms in 
 Young's hotel." 
 
 And I did. 
 "When I got there he sez to me : 
 " I'm expecting a man here to-night 
 who is a regular bad one. He is worse 
 than the Smell of Violets in a Married 
 Minister's Moustache. I want you to 
 stay in the next room ready to run mes 
 sages. If you should just Happen to 
 leave the door open a little and stop 
 43
 
 Me and Lawson 
 
 the crack with your eye and ear I 
 don't think either of us will catch 
 Creepy Croup from the draft. ' ' 
 
 Then he gives me a Dave Hill wink 
 with his starboard lamp and sez: 
 
 " Oh yes, I also want you to make a 
 noise like an Arrest Warrant whenever 
 you hear me say anything about the 
 pleasures of High Society in the Peni 
 tentiary. You see, Humpty, the gent is 
 a dear old moth-eaten friend of mine 
 and I want to make the evening as 
 Lively as I can for him without pulling 
 a Gun." 
 
 Now, then, wasn't that a fine Squad 
 of Language to toss to a kid from a cab 
 window ? Well, I knew me bizness and 
 was dead set to tumble to his, so I sez, 
 
 1 1 Mister Lawson, there never was no 
 Millionaire Cop in me family and youse 
 will have to be a Belasco to me and tell 
 44
 
 Amalgamated Gas 
 
 me how to make a Loudness like a war 
 rant. ' ' 
 
 " Why," sed he, with a smile like a 
 coon wears what has just met a water 
 melon going to its own wake, * ' all you 
 got to do is rattle your Undershirt and 
 breathe fierce till the place smells like a 
 prison cell. ' ' 
 
 I remembered me Mother's Breath 
 pay-day night and knowed there was 
 sure-enough genius in the family for the 
 stunt. 
 
 Pretty soon his Friend came hop- 
 pin' in, wearing a actor's overcoat what 
 could make a Fuzzy Fur Store look 
 worse than a Mexican Pup at a Collie 
 Party. 
 
 " Hello, Addicks," sez me Boss. 
 
 " You'se don't look as if the price of 
 
 Senators had gone Up. Take that easy 
 
 chair and light this cigar with some of 
 
 45
 
 Me and Lawson 
 
 your Stage Money. It will remind me 
 of old times and Tricks." 
 
 The guy Addicks was a smooth old 
 geezer. He made me think of a Table 
 d'hote Rat what had just pulled his face 
 out of a pot of fifty-cent Butter to cool it 
 off in five dollars' worth of Ice Cream. 
 He had lamps like dark lanterns work 
 ing overtime and was as Chesty as a 
 man with a Permit to Spit in the Street 
 Car. He rubbered around for a few 
 puffs and then sed through the smoke, 
 
 * ' Well, Sir Thomas, why am I so hon 
 ored this evening? You have handed 
 me the Financial Peritonitis onct in due 
 and ancient form, and I am not Cotton- 
 Tongued Thirsty to butt into an En 
 core. ' ' 
 
 ' ' You got no kick coming, ' ' sez Law- 
 son. ' * Didn 't I help you milk the Pub 
 lic Cow and hand Rogers the Poisoned 
 46
 
 Amalgamated " Addicks, light this cigar with some 
 
 Gassers of your Stage Money." Page 45
 
 Me and Lawson 
 
 Coffee on that Bay State Gas Two-step ? 
 Didn't we have a full line of Frenzied 
 Fun bucket-shopping the Massachusetts 
 Legislature and putting our price mark 
 on the High-browed Lawmakers in Del 
 aware f I guess yes, and it 's up to you 
 to second the motion. " 
 
 " Stop peddling chestnuts," chirped 
 Addicks, " and come to the Center." 
 
 1 ' Look here, ' ' sed the Boss, ' ' do you 
 want to cut in with me and give the 
 Scrambled Oil Dyspeptics a new brand 
 of Stomach Ache? 
 
 " Can't be done, eh? You're as 
 wrong as a Wart on a leading lady's 
 nose. And put this in your pipe, 
 Addie dear; while it's happening we 
 won't do a thing but Shake Down the 
 shoestring speculators all over the 
 country for a bundle of Mezuma as big 
 as Kockyfeller's Self-respect. 
 48
 
 Amalgamated Gas 
 
 1 1 You wear a dagger in your belt and 
 smoke cigarettes like a villain, and I 
 will do the noble-hearted rescuer of the 
 Down-trodden Stocking-full Investors. 
 
 " We will play Tumble-bug Tennis 
 with Wall Street and keep the System's 
 hands busy comforting their Green- 
 apple Pain Parlor. 
 
 " Kansas is playing a Dead March 
 under the Oil Gang's window and Ter 
 rible Teddy is giving a correct imitation 
 of a hungry tomcat in a Virgin Battery. 
 
 " It's our move. 
 
 1 1 The times are as fit as Jimmy Britt 
 when he sang dreamland to young Cor- 
 bett." 
 
 Addicks sed something about not be 
 ing able to trust the Boss and began to 
 talk like a sea lion Barking for Break 
 fast Food. 
 
 That was me cue to Sell Papers, and 
 49
 
 Me and Lawson 
 
 I fast-freighted a few swift bundles of 
 me Warrant Stunt, but it didn 't make a 
 hit. After I had shook meself silly and 
 breathed so heavy that I felt as winded 
 as a church organ after mass, I took a 
 tumble to meself and just listened. 
 
 Mister Addicks signed up for the sea 
 son to do the Eubber Glove Work and 
 the Boss then showed down on his plan, 
 andsed: 
 
 11 Addie, it's this way. I don't have 
 to put you wise on Your part in the Con, 
 because you 're a G. A. K. when it comes 
 to Panhandling, so here goes for mine. 
 But first let me rattle the Bones on the 
 past for a sip or two. ' ' 
 
 They was drinking French bubbles 
 something fierce. 
 
 " Of course you've read Nobody's 
 Magazine. Well, I had to have an 
 Organ of my Own to grind to the Pub- 
 50
 
 Me and the Boss " An Organ of my Own." Page 50
 
 V 
 
 Me and Lawson 
 
 lie, so I give the publishers the hailing 
 sign of the Get-there Brotherhood and 
 sung a bass lullaby about Increased Cir 
 culation. They were coy all right, till I 
 drawd a copper-colored sketch of a 
 Solid Gold Backstop to catch passed 
 balls, returned copies and cancelled ad 
 contracts. And, well, you know me, Ad- 
 die. I haven't pressed me own pants 
 for many years. 
 
 " I imported a crate of Superheated 
 Words from Hot-air Land, and got a 
 couple of war correspondents who were 
 stuck on me Open-face Check Book to 
 help me shuffle them. The first gust of 
 Unnatural gas that I shot through the 
 meter made the Public sit up all night. 
 
 ' ' I was the realest thing since George 
 Wash. 
 
 11 1 called names, made threats and 
 crowded Limberger Cheese in the pock- 
 52
 
 Amalgamated Gas 
 
 ets of the System's Sunday Coat with, 
 all the openness of a Dago Woman 
 handing her baby Mother's Milk in a 
 court room where the father is being 
 tried for eating garlic. 
 
 " I have given them Preliminaries 
 ever since. 
 
 " I have told how the enemy would 
 look in the twelfth round, and served 
 'em everything but Solid Roast-beef 
 Facts on a hot plate. 
 
 ' ' The thing went bully till the Febru 
 ary number, and no questions asked, but 
 I fell down hard on that issue. 
 
 " The Big Winning I had made by 
 coppering my own tips to the Public on 
 Amalgamated made me over-confident 
 and I missed a right swing for little old 
 Wall Street 's Groggy Jaw. 
 
 " I had to make good to the maga 
 zine for about 400,000 unsold copies, 
 53
 
 Me and Lawson 
 
 and it learned me a lesson much and 
 plenty. 
 
 ' ' I got the public with me agin on the 
 next issue by serving another round of 
 Copper Cocktails and printing some 
 fake Nursery Talk between me and 
 Rogers. 
 
 " Next to the Real Thing- which I'll 
 never give 'em, because I don 't own one, 
 and because it isn't necessary to me 
 game the People love to hear me tell 
 what Rogers said when he tried to buy 
 me honor, and how I said, looking a 
 Straight Flush into his deep, sea-green 
 lamps, * Villain, take back your greasy 
 pipe-line gold ; I had rather a thousand 
 times be a Gob of Bad Grammar in 
 Faultless Boston than be your plaything 
 in New York and fill Your Can with My 
 Oil." 
 
 " What about your Remedy? '
 
 Amalgamated Gas 
 
 " My Bemedy? Why, Addie, yon 
 make me think your head is a Punk 
 Forest. 
 
 " I never had one. Doctor Bunyan 
 has had a corner on the remedy market 
 ever since Holy Moses Played Marbles, 
 and if I can only keep the Public 's Ears 
 unreefed half as long as he has held up 
 his finger without changing hands I will 
 be satisfied way down to the Grass Plot. 
 
 " Anticipation is the Opium of Joy; 
 and it 's up to me to encourage the Pub 
 lic Dope Pipe. 
 
 " I am for stringing the Dear Public 
 till I have added a Fat Few to me bank 
 roll and made Eogers and his pals 
 understand what l Getting Even ' 
 means when set to Little-german-band 
 music by Yours Truly. 
 
 1 ' It 's the old game of throwing high 
 moral dust in a man's eyes before you 
 55
 
 Me and Lawson 
 
 divorce him from his stuff. People go 
 dippy over a noisy reformed Money 
 Drunkard and even trust him with their 
 Tooth Brush when he tells how bad he 
 was before his soul woke up and 
 Stretched. 
 
 " We will just pound the market 
 through the papers and magazine till 
 we scare the people into Selling. Then 
 we'll Buy, let the suckers get their 
 second wind and boost the prices, then 
 we'll Sell. It's easier than vending 
 Beauty Powders to an Old Maid." 
 
 ' ' On the level, Tommy, have you quit 
 the Oil Crowd for good? " 
 
 1 1 You mean me divorce from the Oil 
 Bunch ? Sure yes, I 'm their green-grass 
 widow all right. It was this way; after 
 I beat you to them on the Gas Proposi 
 tion we were as thick as prickly heat 
 on a summer baby. Of course, Eogers 
 56
 
 Amalgamated Gas 
 
 Held Out on me when the Amalgamated 
 Copper Lambskins were divided, but I 
 expected that. It was a case of dog eat 
 dog, and he had the longest teeth. 
 
 " I gave him a moving picture talk 
 of how it tasted to get the Short End of 
 a thirty-five million dollar killing where 
 I was the Particular Guy what had 
 flammed the suckers into buying mines 
 for $75,000,000 which only cost $40,- 
 000,000. But the real cause of our Eed 
 Kaging Split was their getting next to 
 me ringing in a cold deck in the shape 
 of Trinity Copper. 
 
 " They are a little too nice for me, 
 with their Sunday School sucker- 
 stretching blend. I'm for straight 
 throat-scratching red liquor, and what 's 
 more, I've got to be Head Hog in the 
 Pork Park, or I won't play root-the- 
 hickory-nuts with any Herd. Ring- 
 57
 
 Me and Lawson 
 
 round-the-rosey is rightity-right when 
 I'm the rosey, but nixey-nit when other 
 wise. ' ' 
 
 " Yes," said the Boss, " I had some 
 get-together talks with Rogers, but 
 most of that stuff I printed is Home 
 Brewed. 
 
 " He's a decent-enough old chap, but 
 he won't let any other fellow wear the 
 Gold Lace in his Squadron, and you 
 have to use torpedo nets when sailing in 
 his waters. 
 
 " He's the slickest thing in the busi 
 ness without drawing a card. I onct 
 made him sore for two days by asking 
 the loan of his heart to hone me razor 
 on. 
 
 11 Say, Addie, it's over forty statute 
 miles from his heart to his pocket in a 
 stock trade. 
 
 " Yes, he turned me down hard just 
 58
 
 Amalgamated Gas 
 
 before I quit him, but I guess he 's Sorry 
 for it now." 
 
 The pie and ice cream I et for supper 
 must have gone to me belfry to roost, 
 because I went plum to sleep and was 
 dreaming that I was a hen planning to 
 rob a hawk roost when Lockstep 
 Holmes put his skinny hand on me 
 shoulder, and I woke up with a yell. 
 
 Mister Addicks jumped up, swal 
 lowed a bale of smoke, and when he 
 quit coughing, sez : 
 
 "What in 'ell is that, Tom? An 
 other of your Damnable Tricks? ' 
 
 The Boss laughed fit to choke, and sez, 
 
 " Oh, no, Addie. That's me under 
 study. You know I was always long on 
 private theatricals. ' ' 
 
 Then he phones me with his face to 
 come in, and I made me bow to the pair 
 of 'em. 
 
 59
 
 Me and Lawson 
 
 Before the other guy could shoot any 
 more questions the Boss sed : 
 
 " Humpty, get that three-legged 
 stool over there, set down, and act as 
 our Oracle and Fortune teller." 
 
 I onct coughed a quarter to a Coon 
 Lady to tell me the bumps I had coming 
 to me, and I was keen for the game, so 
 I drawed me stool close, and set down 
 between them. 
 
 " Now, Addie," sed the Boss, with a 
 grin, * * pitch a few Curved Ones at the 
 kid. I will chip in with any explana 
 tions he needs and we'll get some real 
 Four-cylinder Gasoline tips on the fu 
 ture. You know that out of the mouth 
 of babes and sucklings comes wisdom 
 in bunches. Look at him. He's for 
 tune teller to the life, and even Smells 
 the part. Humpty, when did your valet 
 hand you the last shower bath? ' 
 60
 
 Amalgamated Gas 
 
 Now I won't stand for a josh from 
 any Geezer, and remembering a Speil I 
 heard at the theatre, I sed, turning me 
 searchlights full on the Boss: 
 
 11 Me Linen may not have lead the 
 German at a Laundryfest lately, but it 
 covers an Honest Heart. Can you say 
 as much for Yerself, Sir Godfrey 
 Travers? ' 
 
 Before he had time to call a strike on 
 me, I sez, 
 
 11 And what's more, Mister Lawson, 
 I may be a Suckling, but You can see a 
 Sucker further than a cop can a booze 
 store. ' ' 
 
 The Boss is a game loser and just 
 laughed till the other guy bumped in 
 with a fog-horn smile. Then he braced 
 up quick and sed : 
 
 " Away with Mirth; let us to busi 
 ness. What question is eating you the 
 most, Addie? ' 
 
 61
 
 Addicks smiled soft, just as if he was 
 a priest annexing a subscription to the 
 church, and asks me what was the 
 Toughest Break Ever the Scrambled 
 Oil Outfit had made. 
 
 The Boss explanationed a few and I 
 worked me Think Tank hard for a min 
 ute, and sed: 
 
 " Letting University Jack's Baby 
 Boy go out after dark without a nurse 
 and send Crack-the-whip Telegrams to 
 Washington." 
 
 Their wise tugs must have been tow 
 ing bug barges agin the tide, because I 
 had to draw a map that University Jack 
 was John D. Rockyfeller, the Learning- 
 mill Booster. It 's big funny how some 
 of them high-card players don't get 
 wise to Real Language. 
 
 " On with the Dance," sez the Boss, 
 1 ' let joy be unconfined. ' ' 
 62
 
 Amalgamated Gas 
 
 Addicks hits the Four-dollar Pop for 
 another two gulps and, laughing all 
 over the place, sez : 
 
 " Tommy, I think it's up to you to 
 take the stool. I'm afraid I'll bat my 
 next question way over the boy's 
 bleachers. ' ' 
 
 11 Never mind," sez the Boss, " I'll 
 come back over the fence with the ball, 
 if you do ; so go ahead. ' ' 
 
 Sure enough, the Smooth Mike from 
 Delaware put it way over me head, and 
 the Boss had to stand for me. 
 
 " Seignor Tomaso," sed Addicks, 
 " I think I know you about as well as 
 Jonah did the Whale when he was using 
 the big fish as a House-boat and doing 
 all his business on Inside Information, 
 but it drives me to the Puzzle Board to 
 get next to why you went after the Life 
 Insurance Companies so hard. 
 63
 
 Me and Lawson 
 
 " They are the cleanest institutions 
 in the pasture and do more for the civil 
 ization what don't fade or rip than any 
 other infloonce in the world. 
 
 " Of course, my mug isn't in the Silk 
 Plush Album of Saints, and if there's 
 any Real Coin in soaking 'em, why 
 you're to the good." 
 
 The Boss came back swift and sed: 
 
 " In the first place, they've been too 
 Airtight about issuing me insurance I 
 have asked for, and I think they are too 
 Friendly Fannie with the big money 
 boys on Wall Street. 
 
 " In the second place, they've got 
 more money-power than most govern 
 ments, and between us, Addie, I felt 
 that if I put my footprints on their 
 Peachy Pants I would not only be kick 
 ing my enemy's brother-in-law where it 
 would do the most Good, but would also 
 64
 
 Amalgamated Gas 
 
 arouse the Public to fever interest by 
 sticking pins in their sacred white ele 
 phant early in the Game. 
 
 " Of course it wasn't a nice thing to 
 do, but when a fellow is general man 
 ager of a Fourth of July bonfire he's got 
 to keep the blaze high, even if he 
 has to swipe the Hospital Gates to 
 do it." 
 
 The Boss exercised his face a hull lot 
 more about the insurance gazabos be 
 ing too Chesty, but I didn't get wise to 
 it much, because I couldn't help think 
 ing about the time when Dutchy 
 Swartz's old man died. 
 
 Chee ! but them was tough times. 
 
 Dutchy 's father was Aces Up. He 
 never drove home in the jag wagon and 
 was always Candy Kind to the old 
 woman and the kids. The day he fell 
 off the building where he was working 
 65
 
 Me and Lawson 
 
 was the first job he had been able to cut 
 his name on for two months. When he 
 croaked a couple of weeks later there 
 wasn't a sliver of grub in the house nor 
 a cent to coax the butcher with. The 
 coal box was holler and the landlord 
 was as Icy Ike as a snowman. 
 
 It was nothing to eat, nothing to bury 
 the old man with, and nowhere to go 
 but in the street and get froze, when 
 along come the Insurance Guy and tells 
 the bunch that they had insurance 
 money coming to 'em. He rubbered 
 about for a little, monkeyed with some 
 papers and then hands 'em Coin right 
 out of his pants. 
 
 Hully Smoke! but you ought to seen 
 the old woman's face. It was like sun 
 shine rubbering through a busted snow 
 storm on Christmas Day. 
 
 She couldn't spiel a word. She just 
 66
 
 Amalgamated Gas 
 
 cried soft and kissed the insurance 
 guy 's hands till his mug was as red as a 
 automobile. 
 
 Dutchy did a fast lap to the grocery, 
 and in a bug's wink there was grub, 
 coal and everything in the house. I 
 stood around like a dago cop at a dream 
 christening, and me lamps leaked so 
 hard that I didn't have to wash me face 
 for two days. 
 
 After I had dried me sleeves and took 
 a brace I sneaks up to the insurance guy 
 and sez : 
 
 " I ain't just wise to your game, but 
 I'd rather be Good Old You for a min 
 ute than be a hull flock of them Soft- 
 drink Boys what's writ about in the 
 Bible." 
 
 He hands me a laugh what come 
 from the Eight Place, and sez : 
 
 " This is what insurance companies 
 67
 
 Me and Lawson 
 
 is for. We do this every day. It 's our 
 excuse for living. ' ' 
 
 When I asked him where all the coin 
 comes from, he sez, 
 
 " Kid, the insurance companies has 
 got enough money in their keeping to 
 paste a strip of hundred dollar bills 
 round the earth, and then some." 
 
 yes, about the Boss. The next no 
 tice I took of his chatter he was telling 
 Addicks that he had dropped a Stack of 
 Blue Chips by faking up a lot of circu 
 lar letters from insurance companies 
 what wasn't meant for him particular, 
 to prove that he had been asked to take 
 insurance when he hadn't, and by print 
 ing the hull thing in the magazine 
 along with a sample policy what a 
 Hurry Harry Agent had give him to 
 rubber at, and saying how it was the 
 Eeal Thing when it wasn't. 
 68
 
 Amalgamated Gas 
 
 Just then Addicks puts his dark lan 
 terns on me and sez : 
 
 "Let's hear what the wise Humpty 
 has to say about it. ' ' 
 
 I didn't call me tongue to breakfast 
 right away, but after thinking a minute 
 I asked if it wasn't mostly Women and 
 Kids what got the insurance company's 
 money, and when they sed yes I looked 
 away from the Boss and sed, pretty 
 slow on me pins : 
 
 " Good fighting dogs don't generally 
 tackle Lady Dogs with Litters, no mat 
 ter what the scrap 's about. ' ' 
 
 We didn't none of us say nothing for 
 awhile. Then the Boss sed I looked 
 sleepy and better hike to me Hay Loft. 
 But just as I was sleep-walking out of 
 the room I heard the Addicks guy say: 
 
 ' ' I guess your game is 0. K., Tommy, 
 but you'll have to make hay while the 
 69
 
 Me and Lawson 
 
 Con shines. The people are getting 
 next to you sixty miles an hour, and in 
 a few months you'll be as dead as a 
 Cured Boil on a Busy Boy's Neck." 
 
 70
 
 THE LAMB DANCE 

 
 THE LAMB DANCE 
 
 THE KETTJKN TICKET OF A SHOT-OFF 
 SKY ROCKET" 
 
 HE next morning the hull of 
 our crowd was doing dou 
 ble quick stunts and 
 everything was whizzing. 
 I didn't see the Boss but 
 onct, and he forgot to 
 speak to me. There was 
 plenty of telegrams, but the other fel 
 lows carried 'em. I heard the head Pen 
 Pusher say that the Boss was selling 
 short with both hands and the market 
 would be good for a ten-point drop in a 
 few days. 
 
 Oh my, Oh me, but we was Busy-izzy. 
 73
 
 Me and Lawson 
 
 A few days after that I bought meself 
 a paper when I was comin' down to the 
 office, and, Gee, didn't the Boss have a 
 big ad in it. 
 
 The letters was as big as Barnum's 
 Circus and told the Public that the Sys 
 tem had skinned 'em to a Bald Banana ; 
 that Amalgamated Geese had never had 
 no Feathers, and that Frenzied Copper 
 would put burning blisters on their 
 hands if they held it a minute longer. 
 
 He advised 'em from his Weeping 
 Soul to Sell everything they had what 
 wasn't nailed down, and told 'em to 
 keep their ears to the ground with the 
 flaps pointing toward Him. 
 
 Mebbe the telephone girl wasn't the 
 Swiss Bell-ringer Lady that day. I 
 choose yes. 
 
 The Boss did the Lamb Dance over 
 the ticker till two hours after eating 
 T4
 
 The Lamb Dance 
 
 " Doing double quick 
 stunts." Page 73
 
 Me and Lawson 
 
 time. He shuffled a deck of telegrams 
 with one hand and acted like a hospital 
 doctor saying How-de-do to a tape 
 worm with the other. 
 
 This lasted for a couple of days, but 
 somebody must have put sand on the 
 track. The Slump didn't come off, and 
 the Boss was Crazy Claude for fair. 
 
 Some fresh guy left a drawed valen 
 tine in the front office what showed the 
 Boss up as the return ticket of a shot-off 
 sky rocket, with the words " Use 
 Fakerine for that Fazed Feeling ' : 
 under it. I was laughing with me full 
 face when he come by and saw it. He 
 didn't crack a grin, but just sed: 
 
 * * The press of your important duties 
 seems to make you hysterical, Humpty. 
 You better go home and rest up for a 
 few weeks. Don't chase back till we 
 send for you." 
 
 76
 
 The Lamb Dance 
 
 Three days later I gets bumped by a 
 Puff- wagon wHile crossing State Street, 
 and I've been in this Bone-works ever 
 since. 
 
 " Kind is he? " You bet he is, and 
 I 'm just aching to git back to me job. 
 
 Well, so-long, Micky; I've told you 
 me story and you'll have to chase your 
 self now. I must try for me beauty 
 sleep or the dandy Doc will keep me 
 nailed down to this dinky cot till me 
 whiskers grow. Give me love to the 
 other Kids at the Western Onion. 
 
 Wow! Wow! but me bum leg is hurt 
 ing me agin. 
 
 The head nurse, gently brushing back 
 his moist hair, put her hand on the mes 
 senger boy's forehead, and said to her 
 subordinate: 
 
 " Poor little man; he seems delirious. 
 77
 
 Don't let him talk so much to his 
 friends. His wound heals far too 
 slowly. There ought to be an iron-clad 
 law against speeding automobiles in 
 down-town streets." 
 
 Presently a comforting sleep spread 
 its lulling coverlet over the tired little 
 mind, but before his tossed and buffeted 
 boatlet sailed softly forth on slumber's 
 silent sea he drowsily whispered: 
 
 " This sportin' life is great. It 
 takes a Messenger Kid to dig Living- 
 Picture Potatoes out of the Wise Gar 
 den." 
 
 78
 
 UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY 
 
 Los Angeles 
 This book is DUE on the last date stamped below. 
 
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