UNIV 
 
 . OF CALIF. LIBRARY, LOS ANGELES
 
 PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR 
 Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON 
 Designed to provide in a series 
 of volumes, each complete in itself, 
 the cream of our national humour, 
 contributed by the masters of 
 comic draughtsmanship and the 
 leading wits of the age to " Punch," 
 from its beginning in 1841 to the 
 present day .f 4 jt f 
 
 MR. PUNCH ON THE WARPATH
 
 MILITARY EDUCATION. General. " Mr. de Bridoon, what is the 
 general use of cavalry in modern warfare ? " Mr. de Bridoon. 
 
 " Well, I suppose to give tone to what would otherwise be a mere 
 vulgar brawl ! "
 
 MR. PUNCH ON 
 THE WARPATH 
 
 HUMOURS OF THE 
 ARMY, THE NAVY AND 
 THE RESERVE FORCES 
 
 BY 
 
 REGINALD CLEAVER, R. CATON 
 WOODVILLE, TOM BROWNE, 
 L. RAVEN -HILL, C. L. POTT, 
 CHARLES PEARS, J. BERNARD 
 PARTRIDGE, E. T. REED, G. D. 
 ARMOUR, FRED. PEG RAM, 
 GEORGE DU MAURIER, PHIL 
 MAY, CHARLES KEENE AND 
 OTHERS 
 
 PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH 
 
 THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH" 
 
 a a a 
 THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
 
 THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR 
 
 Twenty-five Volumes, crotan 8Vo, 192 pages 
 fully illustrated 
 
 LIFE IN LONDON 
 
 COUNTRY LIFE 
 
 /N THE HIGHLANDS 
 
 SCOTTISH HUMOUR 
 
 IRISH HUMOUR 
 
 COCKNEY HUMOUR 
 
 IN SOCIETY 
 
 AFTER DINNER STORIES 
 
 IN BOHEMIA 
 
 AT THE PLAY 
 
 MR. PUNCH AT HOME 
 
 ON THE CONTINONG 
 
 WITH THE 
 
 RAILWAY BOOK 
 AT THE SEASIDE 
 MR. PUNCH AFLOAT 
 IN THE HUNTING FIELD 
 MR. PUNCH ON TOUR 
 WITH ROD AND GUN 
 MR. PUNCH AWHEEL 
 BOOK OF SPORTS 
 GOLF STORIES 
 IN WIG AND GOWN 
 ON THE WARPATH 
 BOOK OF LOVE 
 CHILDREN
 
 "FORWARD !" 
 
 WAS there ever protean like MR. PUNCH ! The 
 little man is a wonder. In so many guises do we 
 encounter him now as tourist, again as playgoer, as 
 huntsman, as artist, as bohemian, and equally as stay- 
 at-home philistine, on the bench and on the golf-links, 
 ashore and afloat, where not and how not ? that we 
 need be in no wise surprised to find him on the war- 
 path. Is he not the official jester of a warlike people ? 
 
 Of course it may be suggested that in the present 
 book we do not have what is entirely a record of his 
 achievements on many a well-fought field. There are 
 not many echoes here of real red war, but the mimic 
 battle with its humours is well in evidence. The only 
 recent experience of the real thing leaves MR. PUNCH 
 too sore of heart to say much about it. But as we 
 are all believers in the maxim "in time of peace 
 
 5 
 
 2226519
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 prepare for war," and as most of our time is peaceful, 
 we are always "preparing" hence, perhaps, the 
 reason why we are never ready. But there is a deal 
 of humour in the process, and it is for fun we look to 
 MR. PUNCH. Nor shall we look vainly here, for in the 
 past Charles Keene found many of his happ'est subjects 
 in the humours of military life and volunteering, while 
 to-day Mr. Raven-Hill, himself an enthusiastic volun- 
 teer, ably carries on the tradition, and has many 
 brilliant aiders and abettors. 
 
 MR. PUNCH is, by turns, general, drum major, full 
 private, cavalry man and "kiltie," he is ako A. B. 
 when the occasion serves, and would be horse-marine 
 if necessary ! At all events he has given the command, 
 and it's " Forward 1 "
 
 MR. PUNCH ON 
 WARPATH 
 
 THE 
 
 WATERLOO UP-TO- 
 DATE (a fact). Belgian 
 Guide. Zo, brave Picton 
 'e fall in ze arms of vic- 
 toire 
 
 Facetious Britisher. 
 \\ h e r e was Lord 
 Roberts ? 
 
 Guide (not to be done). 
 Lord Robert 'e stand 
 on zis montagne, and 'e 
 cry, " Hoop, Garde, 
 and at zem ! " 
 
 THE report that there are 46,719 total abstainers 
 in the British Army is welcome news, but what 
 grieves recruiting officers is the number of total 
 abstainers from the British Army.
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 CURIOUS MILITARY FACT. The seat of war is 
 always the spot where two forces are standing up 
 to one another. 
 
 A SPOT TO BE AVOIDED BY ROYAL ARTILLERY- 
 MEN. Gunnersbury, 
 
 ADVICE FOR MARTINETS. Military authorities 
 should consider whether it would not be advisable 
 to abate a little of their solicitude for the tidiness 
 of a regiment, and pay somewhat more attention 
 to its mess. 
 
 AMONG WARRIORS. Interested Patron, So I 
 see you lost an arm in the battle. 
 
 An Atkins (" back from the Front"). Ay, sir, 
 and my companion here (indicating Atkins No. 2) 
 he lost a leg. 
 
 Patron. And your Colonel in the same battle, 
 
 eh? 
 
 Atkins No. 2. Ah ! he was worse off than either 
 of us, sir ; he lost his head. 
 
 ARMY CHAPLAINS. Wouldn't they be all 
 doubly serviceable in time of war if they were all 
 
 canons ? 
 
 8
 
 \ 
 
 Bluejacket (in charge of party of sightseers). " Here Nelson fell." 
 Old Lady. " An' I don't wonder at it, poor dear. Nasty slippery 
 place ! I nearly fell there myself 1 "
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 " THE BLACK WATCH " 
 The Black Watch will go night and day. 
 The Black Watch can be depended upon in any 
 
 climate. 
 
 The Black Watch always keeps time. 
 
 The Black Watch is never out of gear. 
 
 The Black Watch wants no " winding up." 
 
 The Black Watch can be warranted for any 
 period. 
 
 Historian of the War (to Private of the Dublin 
 Fusiliers). Now tell me, my man, what struck 
 you most at the battle of Colenso ? 
 
 P. of D. F. Begorra, sorr, fwhat shtruck me 
 mosht was the shower of bullets that missed me. 
 
 A MYSTERY FROM SHOEBURY. When does the 
 cannon ball ? When the Vickers-Maxim. 
 
 "YES, my dear Lavinia," says Mrs. Rams- 
 botham, rather annoyed with her niece, " I do 
 know perfectly well what a soldier's ' have-a-snack ' 
 is. It is so-called because he carries his lunch in 
 it. No, my dear, I am not so ignorant as you 
 may think." 
 
 10
 
 Fond Mother (reading letter from only son at the front). "Charlie 
 says our Generals are perfect idiots 1 " 
 
 IJ
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 FASHIONS FOR BAZAARS 
 
 (From the Note-book of a Male Impressionist] 
 How to represent the Army. Long skirt of gauzy 
 material, parasol tied with tricolour ribands, silk 
 blouse with epauletted sleeves and a Crimean 
 medal pinned on to a bunch of flowers. High- 
 heeled shoes. Regimental levee scarf worn over 
 the left shoulder. Tiny cocked hat attached to 
 the hair by two long pins and a small silk flag. 
 
 How to represent the Navy. Short skirt decorated 
 with brooch anchors. Garibaldi with naval collar. 
 Bag hanging from waist-belt with silver letters 
 H.M.S. Coquette. Hair built up a la "Belle of 
 New York " surmounted with a small sailor hat 
 decorated with streamers. 
 
 SOMETHING MILITARY. The officers of the 
 Blankshire Cavalry possess, individually and col- 
 lectively, more money than those of any other 
 regiment in His Majesty's service. If this be so 
 we name no names these gallant heroes ought to 
 be known as " The Tin Soldiers." 
 
 How EFFECTUALLY TO PRODUCE " SILENCE IN 
 THE RANKS." Use the Dum Dum bullets. 
 
 13
 
 PAID IN HIS OWN COIN; OR, WHAT WB SHOULD LIKE TO SEE. 
 Convicted Contractor. " Look here ! I can't walk in these boots, 
 and I can't eat this food ! " Warder Punch, " Well, you've 
 
 got to ; it's v. hat you supplied to the troops." 
 
 13
 
 OUR NON-COMS. 
 
 Orderly Sergeant (to officer). " Beg your pardon, sorr but 
 'm wan ration short. Who will I give it to ? "
 
 THE MILITARY PERIL. O/.t Larfy (to member of signalling section, 
 who has just commenced to reply to a message). " Youug man, if you 
 tliink to alarm 'me by wagging those flags about, you are very much 
 mistaken ! "
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 THE BEAUTY OF BISLEY 
 
 THAT it takes you away from town in the dog 
 days for a clear fortnight. 
 
 That, being farther away from London than 
 Wimbledon, you escape the more easily the atten- 
 tion of those who love tea, flirtation, and straw- 
 berries and cream. 
 
 That there is plenty to do at the ranges with the 
 rifle, and to see in the neighbourhood on a 
 bicycle. 
 
 That the conversation of your comrades is con- 
 genial, if slightly " shoppy." 
 
 That, after all, it is better to talk all day of 
 scores, than of links or tyres. 
 
 That if the life becomes too monotonous, a train 
 can carry you back to Waterloo in forty minutes. 
 
 That life under canvas is recommended by the 
 doctors when it is subject to certain favourable 
 climatic conditions. 
 
 That, with the power of enjoying your outing to 
 the end, or cutting it short at the beginning, you 
 can yet claim credit for your self-denial and 
 patriotism.
 
 CORONA FINIT OPUS. Mary Anne. "When are they going to 
 start this army reform they talk such a lot about?" Private 
 
 Atkins. " Why bless your 'eart, it's all done I Look at our new capg ! " 
 
 P.W. 17 B
 
 THE ALDERSHOT CAMPAIGN 
 
 Private Sweeny (Highland regiment). " Colony bog, is it ? 
 Thin bedad I I wish I was back in Tipperary 1 "
 
 BANTING IN THE YEOMANRY 
 
 Troop Sergeant-Major. " It comes to this, captain, 'a mun 
 e'ther hev' a new jacket or knock off one o' my meals ! "
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 UNIFORMITY 
 
 SCENE Pall Mali Enter officer in full uniform 
 hurriedly. He is stopped by messsenger. 
 
 Messenger. Yes, sir? 
 
 Officer. I want to see the Commander-in-Chief 
 at once. 
 
 Messenger. Very sorry, sir, but that gentleman 
 who has just entered the room is likely to be there 
 for the next three hours. He came here two 
 minutes before your arrival. 
 
 Officer. But is a civilian allowed to take pre- 
 cedence of an officer in full uniform ? 
 
 Messenger. Beg your pardon, sir, but he is not a 
 civilian ; but an officer like yourself. 
 
 Officer. And yet he is admitted in mufti ! Why, 
 here have I had to come up from the country in 
 full rig, being chaffed at the railway station, 
 grinned at by the cabman, and cheered by the 
 crowd ! 
 
 Messenger. Yes, sir. Very sorry you should 
 have been inconvenienced, sir, especially as it was 
 unnecessary, sir r 
 
 Officer. Unnecessary ! Why, doesn't the order
 
 THE HANDY MAN. What he will have to become, if 
 recruiting for the navy continues to fall off, and many more 
 new battleships are constructed.
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 come into force to-day that all officers who appear 
 in the War Office for any purpose whatsoever 
 must be attired in the proper uniform of their rank 
 and regiment ? 
 
 Messenger. No, sir. To-morrow, sir, the second 
 of April, is the proper date. To-day, sir, is the 
 first of April. 
 
 Officer. And the first of April is surely the most 
 appropriate date ! Quite the most appropriate 
 date! 
 
 Messenger. Yes, sir ! 
 
 (Curtain.) 
 
 THE War Office is taking steps to turn its sur- 
 plus cavalrymen into foot soldiers. We see 
 nothing ridiculous in the idea as some persons 
 profess to. We already have Mounted Infantry. 
 Now we are to have Dismounted Cavalry. 
 
 AN IMPOSSIBLE MANOEUVRE IN AUTUMN. To 
 be in the March past. 
 
 THE BEST MILITARY DRAWING. Drawing 
 your pay. 
 
 92
 
 DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE 
 
 Hector. " Now then, young feller who are you staring 
 at?" 
 
 Hodge. "Whoy shouldn't I stare at yer? 7 p*ys vor 
 yer I " 
 
 n
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 NOT FOR PATRICK! 
 
 [" It has been proposed that the kilt should be the 
 uniform of the new Irish Guards." Daily Paper.] 
 
 WHAT ! take away the throusers off our pathriotic knees, 
 
 As if we were a regiment of disordherly M.P's ? 
 
 Och 1 sorrer take the wicked thought, for histhory it 
 
 teaches, 
 An Oirishman is happiest when foightin' in the breaches. 
 
 What ! Wear them bits of pitticoats that blow about and 
 
 twirl 
 Around your blushin' knees? No, faith ! Oi'm not a bally 
 
 girl! 
 No ! Oi'm an Oirish souldier, an' me blood Oi've often 
 
 spilt it, 
 But though Oi'm willin' to be kilt, Oi'll die before Oi'm 
 
 kilted. 
 
 IN order to check extravagance in the Cavalry, 
 the authorities have decided that " fines of money 
 or wine are no longer to be levied on marriage or 
 promotion, or in respect of any minor irregularities." 
 In future the officer who commits the major 
 irregularity of being promoted will not need to 
 say, with the King of Denmark, " O, my offence is 
 rank 1 "
 
 MANNING THE (BACK-)YARDS 
 Chelsea, June, 1891. Four Bell(e)s.
 
 Kir. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 MILITARY SURGERY 
 
 DEAR FIELD-MARSHAL PUNCH. In a telegram 
 from the seat of war this week I find the following 
 obscure passage. " General Blank held the 
 enemy's main body whilst General Dash carried 
 out his movements." Knowing your skill in 
 tactics, may I ask if you can explain this to me 
 either verbally or pictorially. Used in contradis- 
 tinction to his main body, I presume the enemy's 
 " movements " must be his limbs, and if all four 
 were carried out by this barbarous general, it 
 would be certainly a feat of arms, and the move- 
 ment might be said to be al-leg-ro. Nothing is 
 said as to whether the enemy survived this fearful 
 operation depriving him of his ^members, but it 
 may be a case of a truncated despatch. Then, 
 where were the movements carried out to ? If the 
 presumption stated above be correct, I infer it 
 must have been to the region of limbo, but the 
 army in Flanders never practised such lopsided 
 manoeuvres. 
 
 Yours respecfully, 
 
 CORPORAL TRIM. 
 6
 
 " ALL'S WELL 1 " Cockney Volunteer (on sentry go). " Halt ! Who 
 goes there ? " Rustic. " It's all roight, man. Oi cooms along 
 
 'ere ev'ry maarnin' 1 " 
 
 27
 
 5>C 
 
 SKIRMISHING' IN PERSPECTIVE 
 
 A good skirmisher, if there is no cover, should hide 
 behind his boots ! " 
 
 Elder Sister (coining up}. "Kitty! what have 
 you been saying to Captain Coward 1 He looks 
 dreadfully offended ! " 
 
 Kitty (engaged to the Captain}. " I only told 
 him that if he had gone to the war and been shot, 
 I should have been so proud of him ! " 
 
 WAR NEWS. "Reports of Conflicts," i.e., 
 
 ' " Conflicting Reports." 
 
 28
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 "AN ARMED NATION' 
 
 [" The War Office has decided to grant one rifle to every 
 ten men joining the new rifle clubs, throughout the 
 country." Daily Press.'] 
 
 EXTRACT FROM THE NEW RULES 
 
 1. In face of the enemy the rifle must be fired 
 as quickly as possible, and then passed on to the 
 next man. 
 
 2. No squabbling in the ranks, as to whose turn 
 
 North Cork Militia Man. " Am I to shalute him, or no ? 
 Begor. I wondher if he's a sarvan'-man or a giniraL" 
 
 39
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 it is to shoot, shall be allowed by the commanding 
 officer, and his decision shall be final. 
 
 3. The other nine men, whilst awaiting their 
 turn, must stand at "attention," and scowl 
 fiercely at the enemy. 
 
 4. Where the commanding officer, in his discre- 
 tion, sees opportunity for so doing, he shall employ 
 several men simultaneously, to fire the rifle i.e. 
 one to hold the rifle to his shoulder, a second to 
 close his left eye, and a third to pull the trigger. 
 This plan would leave only seven men out of ten 
 unemployed. 
 
 5. The above-named seven would be at liberty 
 to throw things at the enemy whilst awaiting 
 their turn for the rifle. 
 
 6. In actual warfare, the commanding officer 
 may request the enemy to wait a reasonable time 
 whilst the solitary rifle is handed round, after 
 being fired off. 
 
 7. Whilst an attack is going on, the unemployed 
 men of a company shall not be allowed to leave 
 the ranks to play, but should be encouraged to 
 take an intelligent interest in the shooting prowess 
 of their solitary comrade. 
 
 30
 
 THE IMPERIAL YEOMANRY. Recruit. " Look 'ere, mister, it 
 ain't no good. This saddle won't go on this 'ere 'orse. I got it over 
 is 'ead all right, but I can't get 'is legs through nohow 1 " 
 
 3'
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 THE NECESSARY KIT 
 
 [" A housewife will in future form part of the free kit of 
 necessaries." Army Order.] 
 
 IT 'as long been my opinion, as a sodger and a man, 
 That I couldn't get on proper, not without yer, Sairey Ann 
 Well, now 'ere's the latest border just yer take a read of 
 
 it 
 That a housewife shall be a portion of the necessary kit. 
 
 Oh, them borders ! Ain't I cussed 'em 1 Oh, the shockin 
 
 words I've said ! 
 
 But now for once, my Sairey, I 'm a-blessin' 'em instead. 
 Yus, they misses pretty horfen, but at last they've made a 
 
 hit, 
 For yer going to be a portion of my necessary kit. 
 
 They're to serve out housewifes gratis, an' I only 'opes, my 
 
 pet, 
 That they'll let us Tommies choose ourselves the gals we 
 
 wants to get, 
 
 'Twould be takin' of the gildin' off the gingerbread a bit 
 If I got yer mar, for instance, in my necessary kit. 
 
 But we'll 'ope the best, my Sairey, though yer can't for 
 
 certain tell, 
 
 And I ain't got much opinion of them parties in Pall Mall, 
 But for once they've put a bullet in the bull's eye, I'll 
 
 admit, 
 If they makes my Sairey portion of my necessary kit. 
 
 " ADVANCE NOTES " (Military). The bugler's. 
 
 32
 
 Boatswain (to newly-joined cadet}. "Come, my little man, you 
 mustn't cry on board of one of His Majesty's ships of war. Did your 
 mother cry when you left ?" Cadet. "Yes, sir." Boatswain. 
 " Silly old woman ! And did your sister cry ? " Cadet. " Yes, 
 
 sir." Boatswain. " Stupid little thing 1 And did your father 
 
 cry ? " Cadet, " No, sir." Boatswain. " 'Ard-'earted old 
 
 beggar ! " 
 
 p.w. 33 c
 
 Mil' 
 
 I 
 
 " A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE," &c. Fair Visitor (with a thirst for 
 military knowledge). " So all fhe kitchens are behind those build- 
 ings. How very interesting ! And how many pounds of meat do 
 your men eat a day?" Gallant flfajor. "Really er I've no 
 
 er idea, I'm sure, don't y'know." Fair Visitor. " But I 
 
 thought you were in the provisional battalion I " 
 
 34
 
 Officer (to Irish sentry on guard tenf). " Why don't you face your 
 proper front, sentry ? " Sentry, * Sure, yer honour, the tint's 
 
 round. Divil a front it's got 1 " 
 
 35 ca
 
 SANDHURST AND ITS MESSES. General Bouncer (on a 
 round of inspection at Sandhurst). "Augh! Can you tell 
 me what ' mess ' this is ?" Cadet. ""Well, they call it 
 4 mutton,' but I wouldn't vouch for it! "
 
 A VOLUNTEER REVIEW (1865) 
 
 The portrait of private O'Locker on finding his billet 
 is at a teetotal hotel. 
 
 37
 
 EXPLAINED. Auntie (explaining morning manoeuvres of His 
 Majesty's Life Guards on their way to relieve guard at Whitehall). 
 " Don't you see ? There's two, and then there's one, and then 
 there's the whole lot and then there's two more I " 
 
 [Youthful niece sett. 
 
 38
 
 SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS. Jack (singing at the top of his voice) 
 " There's only one girl in the world for me I " Popular Song. 
 
 39
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 MR. BROWN AT BREAKFAST 
 
 ON THE ARMY. 
 
 ASTONISHING lot of 
 nonsense the Daily 
 Wire prints about 
 military affairs . . . 
 no, I do not waste my 
 time reading it. Any 
 intelligent citizen, 
 Mary, is bound to 
 take an interest in 
 things of this sort. 
 And our army is 
 rotten, madam rot- 
 ten to the core . . . 
 
 [According to the Daily Telegraph What? That TC- 
 zebra mules have been introduced . i_ 1 1 
 
 into India by the Remount Depart- mindS. yOU, Shall 
 
 ment for military purposes.! _ , . , 
 
 Would not their introduction ^^ be told to 
 
 as above into Whitehall pick the apples ? As 
 lend a new and even more 
 
 quaintly picturesque touch of you please I'm not 
 
 . talking about apples. 
 
 Just consider these manoeuvres, and the plain 
 common-sense lessons they teach you. First of 
 
 40
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 all, a force lands in England without opposition. 
 There's a pretty state of things ! . . . No, I didn't 
 say they had interfered with us but just think of 
 the disgrace ! Not one general, madam, not one 
 single general capable of defending this unhappy 
 country. And 
 yet it is to sup- 
 port these ex- 
 pensive frauds 
 that I have to 
 
 pay 
 
 taxes! 
 . . . Well, if 
 he calls again, 
 tell him that I 
 will attend to 
 the matter. 
 There's the 
 rent and rates 
 to be seen to 
 
 first, and good- The illustrated papers oft with satisfac- 
 
 tion grunt, 
 ness knows, When they print a pleasing portrait of 
 
 . , " our artist at the front." 
 
 w 1 1 n your j^ ow jj ere we have a picture of a sort 
 
 hnn^pkeeninp- we seem to lack, 
 
 P g Which is to say, a portrait of "Our 
 and Ethel's artist at the back."
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 dress bills but I was talking about the 
 army. 
 
 Incompetent profligates, that's what the 
 officers are. What sort of life do they lead ? 
 Getting up late, playing polo and hunting, eating 
 luxurious dinners, bullying respectable young men 
 and ducking them in horse-ponds there's a life 
 for you. . . . What do you know about it, Miss 
 Ethel ? . . . Captain Ponsonby told you ? You 
 can tell him something then. Tell him that 
 Britons of common-sense like myself don't mean 
 to stand the present way of going on much longer. 
 Drastic changes . . . No, I'm not trying to break 
 the table, Mary . . . drastic changes are absolutely 
 necessary. 
 
 First of all, there must be a clean sweep at the 
 War Office. Men of brains and common-sense 
 are wanted there. Then we must organise a great 
 army, to guard the coast all round England. The 
 man who will not serve his time as a militiaman 
 or volunteer is not worthy of the name of English- 
 man, and the fruit ... I told you once about 
 those apples, I do wish you wouldn't interrupt . . . 
 If they are not picked to-day they'll have to wait 
 43
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 for three weeks ? Why ? Tomkinscan pick them 
 next time he comes. As I was saying, the militia 
 system must be developed, and eh ? Tomkins 
 won't be here for three weeks ? Got to go into 
 camp for his training ? Well, I call it perfectly 
 disgraceful ! Here I pay a man high wages to 
 attend to my garden once a week, and then this 
 miserable system takes him away, at the most 
 inconvenient time, to play at soldiers ! ... If I 
 have time to-night, Mary, I shall write a strongish 
 letter to the Daily Wire on the subject. 
 
 SCENE Barrack Square, after inspection of arms, at 
 
 which the Company's Commander has been 
 
 examining his men's rifle-bores with the aid of 
 
 the little reflector which is commonly dropped 
 
 into the breach for this purpose. 
 
 Private A tkins (who has been checked for a dirty 
 
 rifle). 'Ere, it's all bally fine ! The orficer 'e 
 
 comes an' looks down the barrel with a bloomin' 
 
 mikeroscope, and the privit soljer 'e 'as to clean 
 
 'is rifle with 'is naked heye ! 
 
 MOTTO FOR A BAZAAR IN AID OF MILITARY 
 FUNDS. " Oh, the wild charge they made ! " 
 
 44
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 DISTRIBUTION OF NAVAL 
 MEDALS 
 
 WE are happy to announce that the Lords of 
 the Admiralty have issued an order for the distri- 
 bution of medals to the officers and seamen who 
 served in the naval actions hereunder specified. 
 We understand the medals are of gold, set round 
 with diamonds of the most costly description. 
 Great caution will be used in the distribution, to 
 prevent fraud in personating deceased officers, &c. 
 
 A.D. 876. King Alfred's engagement with and destruction 
 of the Danish fleet. 
 
 1350. Great sea-fight between the English and the 
 
 combined fleets of France and Spain. 
 
 1588. Destruction of the Spanish Armada. 
 
 1702. Admiral Benbow's engagement with the 
 French. 
 
 1761. Siege and capture of Belleisle. 
 
 N.B. No officer or seaman will be entitled to a 
 medal in respect of the last-mentioned siege, 
 unless he can satisfy their lordships that he was 
 " there all the while." 
 
 46
 
 V 
 
 P.W, 
 
 49
 
 D a
 
 53
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 LATEST WAR INTELLIGENCE 
 
 IN the House of Commons, and 
 elsewhere, the Secretary of State 
 for War is accustomed to have 
 appeals made to him to assist in 
 providing facilities for the engage- 
 ment and remunerative occupation 
 of soldiers and non-commissioned 
 officers no longer on active service. 
 We are glad to notice, from the subjoined adver- 
 tisement, which appeared in the Daily News, that 
 the public themselves are taking the matter in 
 hand : 
 
 TWO GENERALS WANTED, as Cook and House, 
 maid for one lady. Light, comfortable situation. 
 Good wages. Apply, &c. 
 
 The advertiser, it will be observed, flies at 
 higher rank than that usually considered in this 
 connection. But the situation is " light " and 
 "comfortable," with "good wages" pertaining, 
 and she has some right to look for applicants of 
 superior station. We presume that on festive 
 
 54
 
 55
 
 Mr. Punch fcn the Warpath 
 
 occasions the gallant officers would be expected to 
 don their uniforms. Few things would be more 
 striking than to see a general, probably wearing 
 his war medals, sweeping the front door-step, 
 whilst through the kitchen window a glimpse was 
 caught of a brother officer, in full tog, larding a 
 pheasant. 
 
 BY the courtesy of the Admiralty H.M.S. 
 Buzzard has been anchored as a permanent guard- 
 ship of honour immediately opposite the approach 
 to Mr Punch's offices in Bouverie Street. The 
 compliment is much appreciated. 
 
 FURTHER changes in our Navy are announced. 
 Chaplains are to be abolished, and the navigating 
 officers are to include in their duties those of sky- 
 pilots. 
 
 A COCKNEY'S QUESTION ON THE NAVY Does 
 a Port Admiral mean an Admiral who is laid 
 down for a long series of years, and not decanted 
 for service till he is very old ? 
 
 A JOVIAL CREW. Jack Tars in a jolly-boat. 
 56
 
 A'^^JiW 
 
 ** - ^. - r _^_ r _
 
 59
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 SOLDIERS OF MISFORTUNE 
 
 [" Colonel Crofton, commanding the Eastern District, 
 has decided that the 'quiff' is ' unsoldierly,' and 'disfigur- 
 ing,' and has ukased its abolition. The ' quiff ' is the 
 forelock worn by Mr. Thomas Atkins." Pall Mall Gazette.'] 
 
 Letter from a Private in the British Army to a 
 Private in the German A rmy. 
 
 DERE OLE SAUERKRAUT, Ow' 're yer going 
 along ? Jest a line from the Eastern Distric' to 
 tell yer that we've all got the fair 'ump. An' I'm 
 blest if our colonel ain't an' been pitchin' on our 
 'air. When we 'is in the fightin' line they yells, 
 " Keep your 'air on, boys ! " but when we gets 
 'ome, sweet 'ome, they says take it orf. There's 
 'air ! I must tell yer we wears a hartful curl on 
 our forrids wot is knowed as a " quiff," and I give 
 yer my word it's a little bit ov orl rite ! Susan 
 (with lots o' cash as bein' only daughter of a 
 plumber), wot I walks out with, simply 'angs on 
 to it with both 'ands, so to speak. Well, our 
 colonel says the "quiff" is "unsoldierly" and 
 "disfiguring," and we 'ave got to bloomin' well 
 
 60
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 lop it orf, no hank. This busts my charnst with 
 Susan. 
 
 Yores melancholy-like, 
 
 THOMAS ATKINS. 
 * * * * 
 
 ["The German uniform is to be changed to a grey-brown. 
 The officers are particularly annoyed at the change, and 
 complain that they might at least have been allowed to keep 
 the bright buttons on their tunics. These are also to be 
 dulled down to the new drab regime. Everything that is not 
 strictly utilitarian tassels, lace, and decorations is to be 
 banished from the parade-ground." Westminster Gazette.'] 
 
 Letter from a Private in the German Army to a 
 Private in the British Army. 
 
 MEIN GUT FRIEND, We haf the both trouble 
 much got ! You haf the beautiful Susan verloren. 
 I my Katrine am deprived of. Because why ? I 
 was so schmart lookin' in mein regimentalen blue 
 dat Katrine fell in luff with me on first sighten 
 and called me in ways of fun her leetle " blue 
 teufel " / But now, ach Himmel ! she at me 
 cochet die snooken ! " Cuts," as you say. I broken- 
 ar-arted quite am. Because why? The Office 
 die Warren as us ordered to take off der blue 
 regimentalen. We haf in brown-grey to dress
 
 NAVAL REVIEW 
 (From an Antique) 
 
 ourselves. Ah ! dirdy, bad, rotten colour ! And 
 no more ze schon buttons to haf that the beating 
 heart of Katrine conquered. Farewell to Katrine ! 
 She brown ates. Zo longen 
 
 KARL SCHNEIDER. 
 
 QUERY BY THE NAVY LEAGUE. Does Brit- 
 tania rule the waves, or does she mean to waive 
 her rule ? 
 
 Commander. What is your complaint against 
 this boy ? 
 
 Bluejacket. Well, sir, as I was a-walkin' arft, 
 this 'ere boy, 'e up an' calls me a bloomin' idjit. 
 Now, 'ow would you like to be called a bloomin' 
 idjit, supposin' you wasn't one ? 
 
 64
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 TRAFALGAR DAY. (A t the Board School) 
 Teacher. Now can any boy tell me why Nelson's 
 column was erected in Trafalgar Square ? 
 
 Johnny Grimes (immediately). Please, sir, to 'elp 
 'im up to 'eaven, when 'e died in the arms of the 
 Wictory. 
 
 REMOUNTS FOR THE YEOMANRY 
 
 Horse-buying " Expert." "Yes, it certainly does look 
 more like a ' towel-horse ' than anything else; still it '11 
 have to do 1 " Passed. 
 
 P.W. 6 5 E
 
 " How dreadfully stout the general is getting ! " 
 
 " Yes, isn't it fortunate ? Otherwise he wouldn't be able 
 to wear all his medals ! " 
 
 SOOTHSAYINGS FOR SAILORS 
 
 AUGURY from fowls of air 
 
 Back to Tuscan gramarye dates. 
 
 Birds in February pair : 
 Now then, skippers, choose your mates.
 
 f I 
 
 IMPERTINENT CURIOSITY 
 
 Military Man. "Well! What are yer a starin' at- 
 ain't yer never seed a sodgcr before ? " 
 
 67
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 THE FORTUNE OF WAR 
 
 (A fragment of a Military Romance, to be published a few 
 years hence) 
 
 [The long-proposed introduction of motor-cars into the 
 army for transport purposes is on the point of accomplish- 
 ment.''^^ Outlook.'] 
 
 ..." COMRADES ! " cried the proud general, 
 addressing his troops (standing around him in the 
 circular square ordered by the latest drill book), 
 " at last we are about to reap the reward of our 
 exertions. Thanks to our trusty motor-cars, we 
 have traversed the desert at an average speed of 
 twenty-five miles an hour. Our casualties have 
 been few and insignificant. A dozen or so of the 
 engines blew up, but not more than fifty men 
 perished by these accidents. We have, indeed, to 
 mourn the loss of some of the 75th Dragoons, 
 whose motor-car went wrong in its steering, and 
 rushed at express speed into the middle of a lake. 
 And not a few of our heroes have been arrested 
 by the native police on the charge of furious 
 driving, with the result that they now languish in 
 dungeons, awaiting bail. But what are these 
 
 68
 
 r-~H 
 
 THE PENALTY OF FAME 
 Small Boy (with shrill voice). 
 
 " ' Fightin' with the Sev'nth Royal Fu-siliers 
 The famous Fu-siliera 
 The fightin' Fu-siliers,' " &c., &c. 
 
 Irritable War-Office Clerk. " Con-found the Seventh Royal Fusi- 
 liers! I'm sick of 'em 1 Blest if I don't pack 'em off to the Channel 
 Islands I " (Does to. 
 
 69
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 trifles, compared with the glory that will soon be 
 ours ? The enemy are now within thirty miles of 
 us a distance which, with a little extra pressure, 
 we can cover in an hour. So, forward! Mount 
 motor-cars ! Tie down the safety-valves ! Seize 
 starting levers ! Now, when I give the word ! 
 Are you read " 
 
 At this moment a grey-haired officer interrupted 
 him. 
 
 " Alas, sir ! " he cried, we cannot advance ! It 
 is impossible ! " 
 
 " Impossible ? " echoed the general, in amaze- 
 ment. " Why ? " 
 
 " For the very good reason that we've run out 
 of oil!" 
 
 A loud groan burst from the army on hearing 
 the dreadful news ; the voice of the general him- 
 self shook as he replied : 
 
 " Then, for once, we must ride." 
 
 "You forget, sir," said the other, "that 
 nowadays we have no horses. Shall we march ? " 
 
 "No!" cried the intrepid leader. March? 
 Never! Death before dishonour! Men, your 
 general may have to die a rather unpleasant 
 
 70
 
 A CASE OF Tu QUOQDB. She. " How do you like my new hat ? " 
 Sutherland Highlander. " By Jove, what extraordinary headgear 
 you women do wear I " 
 
 7'
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 death ; but never, in this scientific age, never will 
 he insult you by suggesting that you should walk ! " 
 and rapturous cheers from the army greeted this 
 noble utterance. But just when hope was dying 
 in every breast, and the only possible course 
 seemed to be to wait patiently until the enemy 
 attacked and destroyed them, a small motor-car 
 with red-hot bearings whizzed through the crowd 
 and stopped before the general. Need we mention 
 that its driver was none other than Henry 
 de Plantagenet ? (He's my hero, of course, and 
 he went out scouting on his own account as 
 heroes do: in the last chapter.) 
 
 " Sir," he cried triumphantly, " I have news, 
 great news ! " 
 
 " Well ? " said the general. 
 
 " Yes, it is a well, a well of natural petroleum, 
 in fact, which I have discovered not half-a-mile 
 away ! 
 
 The general clasped his hand, while the army 
 roared themselves hoarse with delight. And, an 
 hour later, only a faint flicker of dust on the 
 horizon showed where the expedition was scurrying 
 towards the doomed enemy. 
 
 73
 
 THAT TYRANT MAN 
 
 Thomas the Drummer. " Well, Emmar, you needn't take 
 on so. I loves you stright enough ; but 'angin' round the 
 barrick gates, askin' for me, is the sort of thing I will not 
 'ave ! " 
 
 73
 
 MORE REFORMS WANTED. Guardsman. " I just told one of 
 those Volunteer officers that he must not come on parade with his 
 pockets unbuttoned, and the fellow had the demmed impudence to 
 say he was sorry he couldn't oblige me, but his corps hadn't buttons. 1 " 
 
 74
 
 Hiding Master. " I thought you said you could ride?" Candi- 
 date/or the Imperial Yeomanry. " Ye-yes. But you don't get arf a 
 chance 'ere, the corners are so bloomin' sharp I " 
 
 75
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 THE MILITARY COOKERY-BOOK 
 
 How to make a Recruit. Take a raw lad from 
 the country (the younger the better) and fill his 
 head with military froth. Add a shilling and as 
 much beer as will be covered by the bounty- 
 money. Let him simmer, and serve him up thick 
 before a magistrate the next morning. Let him 
 be sworn in, and he will then be nicely done. 
 
 How to make a Soldier. Take your recruit, and 
 thrust him roughly into a depot. Mix him up well 
 with recruits from other regiments until he has 
 lost any esprit de corps which may have been 
 floating upon the surface when he enlisted. Now 
 let him lie idle for a few years until his strength is 
 exhausted, and then, at ten minutes' notice, pack 
 him off to India. 
 
 Another Method. Take your recruit, and place 
 him at headquarters. Let him mix freely with 
 all the bad characters that have been carefully 
 kept in the regiment, until his nature has become 
 assimilated to theirs. For three years pay him 
 rather less than a ploughboy's wages, and make 
 
 76
 
 So SYMPATHETIC ! KOWH^ Yeomanry Officer (airing his 
 exploits in the war). " And among other things, don't you 
 know, I had a horse shot under me." Fair Ignoramus. 
 " Poor thing I What was the matter with it ? " 
 
 77
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 him work harder than a costermonger's donkey. 
 Your soldier having now reached perfection, you 
 will turn him out of the service with economical 
 dressing. 
 
 How to make a Deserter. A very simple and 
 popular dish. Take a soldier, see that he is per- 
 fectly free from any mark by which he may be 
 identified, and fill his head with grievances. Now 
 add a little opportunity, and you have, or, rather, 
 you have not, your deserter. 
 
 Another and Simpler Method. Take a recruit, 
 without inquiring into his antecedents. Give him 
 his kit and bounty-money and close your eyes. 
 The same recruit may be used for this dish (which 
 will be found to be a fine military hash) any 
 number of times. 
 
 How to make an Army. Take a few scores of 
 infantry regiments and carefully proceed to 
 under^man them. Add some troopers without 
 horses and some batteries without guns. Throw 
 in a number of unattached generals, and serve up 
 the whole with a plentiful supply of control 
 mixture. 
 
 Another and easier Method. Get a little ink, a 
 78
 
 DISAGREEABLE TRUTH 
 
 Soiiier. " Now, then ! You must move away from here. : * 
 Rude Boy. " Ah ! But>'OM mustn't, old feller 1" 
 
 79
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 p^n, and a sheet of paper. Now dip your pen in 
 the ink, and with it trace figures upon your sheet 
 of paper. The accompaniment to this dish is 
 usually hot water. 
 
 How to make a Panic. Take one or two influen- 
 tial newspapers in the dead season of the year, and 
 fill them with smartly written letters. Add a few 
 pointed leading articles, and pull your army into 
 pieces. Let the whole simmer until the opening 
 of Parliament. This once popular mess is now 
 found to be rather insipid, unless it is produced 
 nicely garnished with plenty of Continental sauce, 
 mixed with just an idea of invasion relish. With 
 these zests, however, it is always found to be 
 toothsome, although extremely expensive. 
 
 STRIKE OF SEAMEN. There is one description 
 of strike in which we hope our sailors will never 
 engage that of their colours. 
 
 A LAND SWELL. A Lord of the Admiralty. 
 
 THE REVIEW AT SPITHEAD. It is wonderful 
 that this affair was not a sad mistake ; for there 
 is no doubt that the reviewers were all at sea. 
 
 80
 
 EUPHEMISTIC. Colonel. " I've never met with a smarter 
 drill than yourself, sergeant, or one more thoroughly up to 
 all his duties ; but you've one most objectionable nab<t, 
 and that is your constant use of bad language, and swearing 
 at the men." Sergeant. " Sir, perhaps I am a little 
 
 sarcashtic 1 " 
 
 p.w. 
 
 Si
 
 H.M.S. OBESITY ; OR, WHAT OUR SAILORS 
 
 ARE COMING TO 
 
 First A.B. " Oh lor, Bill, my big toe ! f-f-f it's some- 
 thing horful this morning." (Distant whistle.) "Oh yus, 
 that's right ! Pipe away ! I see hus a clearin' decks for 
 haction, don't you, Bill ? " 
 
 Second A.B. " No fear ! Phew-f-f-f. '"Ere, oh I say, 
 mate, pass us the bicarbonick o' potass, for 'evin's sake ! " 
 
 [" The sailor is allowed 60 ounces of moist food per day, and this 
 is of the wrong kind for a fighting man. This he eats at five different 
 meals. He has about three times as much bread as he should have, 
 and about half as much meat. It is a splendid diet to induce 
 obesity, gout, and laziness." Dr. Yorke Davies in the " Daily 
 Telegraph."] 
 
 MRS. RAMSBOTHAM tells us her youngest nephew 
 has just become a midshipman in the Royal Navy, 
 and she has given him one of the best aromatic 
 telescopes that could be bought for money. 
 
 THE BEST UPHOLDER OF THE UNION JACK. 
 The Union Jack Tar. 
 
 It
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 NAVAL PROMOTION. "Chaplain: Rev. M. 
 Longridge, B.A., to Glory." Daily Mail. 
 
 FRESH MEAT FOR THE NAVY. The chops of 
 the Channel. 
 
 "We are unanimously of opinion that the British fleet 
 should be put as soon as possible on a firmer and more 
 stable basis lit" 
 
 F a
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 AT THE SERVICE OF THE 
 SERVICE 
 
 (A Forecast of the Future) 
 
 SCENE. A lecture-chamber at a military college. Lecturer 
 discovered behind a table. Students taking notes. 
 
 Lecturer. I have now shown you a colonel and 
 a major. I will disappear for a few seconds, and 
 then appear as a captain. [Dives under his table. 
 
 First Student. What's the lecture about ? I 
 got in too late for the beginning. 
 
 Second Student. It's on " the Militia/' 
 
 Lecturer (emerging from his table in fresh regi- 
 mentals. Now, my men, you must regard me as 
 your friend as well as your commander. I am 
 responsible for your well-being. (Apphuse, amidst 
 which the Lecturer resumes his ordinary clothing.) 
 And now, gentlemen, it is unnecessary to give you 
 a sketch of a subaltern, as that genus of the army 
 officer must be known to all of you. And before 
 I go I would be glad to answer any questions. 
 
 First Student. Thank you, sir. May I ask why 
 you have been giving this interesting entertain- 
 ment? 
 
 Lecturer. Certainly. To show you, gentlemen, 
 84
 
 Captain Smythe (a good soldier, but no society man, to his 
 hostess). " I have to thank you, Mrs. Brown, for an 
 evening which has been er after two years on the veld, 
 most enjoyable."
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 your duty in the Militia. You will be expected to 
 play many parts. 
 
 First Student. But surely not simultaneously ? 
 
 Lecturer. Why, certainly. The old constitu- 
 tional force is so undermanned in the commissioned 
 ranks, that if the youngest subaltern of a battalion 
 cannot do equally well for colonel, major and 
 captain, the chances are that well, I would be 
 sorry to answer for the consequences. And now, 
 gentlemen, we will consider how a ballot for 
 soldiering can be established without seriously 
 affecting the cherished rights of the civilian. 
 
 [Scene closes upon an unsuccessful attempt to solve 
 the problem. 
 
 86
 
 "NONE O' YOUR LARKS" (1861) 
 
 Gigantic Navvy, " Let's walk between yer, gents ; folks 
 '11 think you've took up a deserter."
 
 Mr. runch on the Warpath 
 
 PREPARING FOR WAR 
 
 A MEMORANDUM containing a list of rules to be 
 observed during the autumn manoeuvres has just 
 been issued. By some strange mistake, the fol- 
 lowing regulations (which evidently must have 
 appeared in the original document) have been 
 omitted. They are now published for the first 
 time : 
 
 1. Recruits of tender years will not be allowed 
 to draw their bayonets. This rule does not apply 
 to fine growing lads of twelve years old. 
 
 2. Buglers will not sound their bugles except by 
 special command of Generals of Divisions. The 
 above-mentioned officers are reminded (for their 
 instruction and guidance) that copper is expensive 
 and should be used as little as possible. 
 
 3. Boots will not be worn by the infantry _on 
 any march exceeding three miles. Commanding 
 officers are cautioned that shoe-leather has 
 recently greatly increased in value. 
 
 4. In the event of two members of the umpire 
 staff being unable to come to an agreement about 
 
 88
 
 90
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 the respective colours of black and white, they will 
 "draw lots; " id est, one of them will throw into 
 the air a coin of the realm, and before the coin is 
 able to reach the ground, the other will give the 
 word either " heads " or "tails." The choice of 
 cries will be optional. Gold coins will be used by 
 general officers, silver by fie-ld officers, and half- 
 pence by all other ranks. 
 
 5. Dismounted cavalry will not be allowed to 
 pursue retiring infantry on horseback, unless so 
 ordered by the Commanding Officers of the 83rd 
 (County of Dublin), 85th (the King's County 
 Down), the Connaught Rangers, and the Royal 
 Irish Fusiliers. 
 
 6. Should a regiment of infantry halt within two 
 hundred yards of six hostile batteries of artillery 
 to watch the practice, or for any other purpose of 
 instruction, one-tenth of the battalion will be 
 marched to the rear, and will be considered hors 
 de combat during the remainder of the campaign. 
 
 7. A village containing one pioneer, one drum- 
 mer (or bugler) and a quarter-master-sergeant, will 
 be considered fully garrisoned. It will be seen that 
 rules of war are to be followed in every particular, 
 
 92
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 down to the very smallest details, by all concerned 
 in the campaign. 
 
 8. As in the previous series of autumn 
 manoeuvres, at least, "five minutes' notice" will 
 be given when the army is required to march five 
 miles, or to perform any other military duty 
 requiring zeal, steadiness, and an intimate 
 acquaintance with " Field Exercises, Edition of 
 1874, Part I." 
 
 SOLVED AT ~LAST.Jawkins. Why do they 
 always call sailors " tars " ? 
 
 Pawkins. Because they're so accustomed to the 
 pitching of the ship. 
 
 94
 
 e||* 
 
 ili.1 
 
 - V J-t 
 
 "i 3 
 
 fc o'"*'a 
 c - 3 
 
 USS2 
 9-0 
 
 CL.9 u 
 
 95
 
 F.W. 
 
 97
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 MILITARY DIALOGUES 
 I 
 
 ARMY REFORM 
 
 SCENE. The drawing-room of the Colonel's quarters, 
 decorated with trophies from many lands and 
 water-colour sketches. Mrs. Bulkwise, the 
 Colonel's wife, a tall, broad and assertive lady, 
 is giving tea to Mrs. Lyttleton-Cartwright, 
 with the stamp of fashion upon her, and 
 Mrs. Karmadine, who has a soul for art both 
 ladies of the regiment. Colonel Bulkwise, a 
 small and despondent man whose hair is " part- 
 worn" gazes morosely into the fire. 
 
 Mrs. Bulkwise (waving a tea cup}. As surely as 
 woman is asserting her right to a place in medi- 
 cine, in law, and in the council, so surely will she 
 take her proper place in the control of the army. 
 
 Mrs. Lyttleton-Carlwright. What a lovely cos- 
 tume one could compose out of the uniform. I've 
 often tried Jack's tunic on. 
 
 Mrs. B. (severely). The mere brutal work of 
 fighting, the butchery of the trade, would still 
 
 98
 
 "REGIMENTAL ORDERS"! Volunteer Captain. "Ah, Sergeant 
 Jones didn't I send you an order to be at headquarters on Monday, 
 at nine o'clock, with a corporal and six men for duty ? " Sergeant. 
 "Yes, sir. But I think if there was a little more 'request, 1 and a 
 little less ' order, 1 it would be (a-hem) better 1 " 
 
 00 02
 
 Kir. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 have to be left to the 
 men; but such matters 
 as require higher intelli- 
 gence, keener wit, tact, 
 perseverance, should be, 
 and some day shall be, 
 in our hands. 
 
 Mrs. Karmadine. And 
 the beauty and grace of 
 life, Mrs. Bulkwise. 
 Surely we women, if 
 allowed, could in peace 
 bring culture to the 
 barrack-room, and gar- 
 land the sword with bay 
 wreaths ? 
 
 Mrs. B. Take the War 
 I am told that 
 ranks of the regi- 
 ments are depleted of combatant officers in 
 order that they may sit in offices in Pall Mall, 
 and do clerical work indifferently. Now, I hold 
 that our sex could do this work better, more 
 cheaply, and with greater dispatch. 
 
 IOO 
 
 "BOBS" 
 
 An Indian idol as wor- 
 shipped by Mr. Thomas 
 Atkins. 
 
 (The property of the British Office. 
 nation.} 
 
 the
 
 "BOBS" AS A BOBBIE 
 
 [" CORONATION CLAIMS. There being no succession to 
 certain offices, the appointment thereto rests with His 
 Majesty, and the following are regarded as probable 
 candidates: Lord High Constable The Earl Roberts," 
 vVc.- Vule Daily Mail, Nov. 19, 1901.] 
 
 101
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 Mrs. L.-C. " Pall-Mali " would be such an excel- 
 lent address. 
 
 Mrs. B. The young men, both officers and 
 civilians, who are employed waste, so I under- 
 stand, the time of the public by going out to lunch 
 at clubs and frequently pause in their work to 
 smoke cigars and discuss the odds. Now a glass 
 of milk, or some claret and lemonade, a slice of 
 seed-cake, or some tartlets, brought by a maid 
 from the nearest A. B. C. shop would satisfy all 
 our mid-day wants. 
 
 Mrs. L.-C. And I never knew a woman who 
 couldn't work and talk bonnets at the same time. 
 
 Mrs. C. Just a few palms-^-don't you think, 
 Mrs. Bulkwise ? in those dreary, dreary rooms, 
 and some oriental rugs on the floors, and a little 
 bunch of flowers on each desk would make life so 
 much easier to live. 
 
 [Colonel Bulkwise murmurs something unintel- 
 ligible. 
 
 Mrs. B. What do you say, George ? 
 
 Colonel B. (with sudden fierceness). I said, that 
 there are too many old women, as it is, in the 
 War Office.
 
 SORROWS OF A SUBALTERN 
 
 "Curious way that boy has of salutiu 1 . Dou't believe 
 it's correct ! " 
 
 103
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 Mrs. B. George ! 
 
 [The colonel relapses again into morose silence. 
 
 Mrs. B. The Intelligence Department should, of 
 course, be in our hands. 
 
 Mrs. L.-C. I should just love to run about all 
 the time, finding out other people's secrets. 
 
 Mrs. B. And the Clothing Department calls for 
 a woman's knowledge. The hideous snuff-coloured 
 garments must be retained for warfare, but with 
 the new costume for walking out and ceremonial I 
 think something might be done. 
 
 Mrs. L.-C. The woman who makes my frocks is 
 as clever as she can be, and always has her head 
 full of ideas for those sort of things. 
 
 Mrs. C. Michel Angelo did not disdain to 
 design the uniform of the Swiss Guard. Perhaps 
 Gilbert, or Ford, or Brock might follow in the 
 giant's footsteps. 
 
 Col. B. You ladies always design such sensible 
 clothes for yourselves, do you not ? 
 
 \_He is frozen into silence again. 
 
 Mrs. B. And the education of young officers. 
 From a cursory glance through my husband's 
 books on law, topography and administration, I 
 
 104
 
 THE DOG! (A romance of real lift.) The Gallant Major. "I 
 beg a thousand pardons for the apparent liberty I take as an 
 entire stranger, but may I make so bold as to ask you, is not this one 
 of that wonderful breed of black or Chinese pugs ? " The Pretty 
 
 Lady (most condescendingly). " Yes, you are perfectly right, and if 
 I am not mistaken, you are Major McBride, of the Ninety-ninth 
 Hussars." 
 
 (Front that moment they became fast Jrtends, and within the next 
 three months there appeared in the " Morning Post, ' " A mar- 
 riage has been arranged between Major McBride, of the Ninety- 
 ninth Hussars, and Mrs. Bellairs.' &c. t <.
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 should say that there are no military subjects that 
 the average woman could not master in a fort- 
 night. Strategy, of course, comes to us by intui- 
 tion. The companionship and influence of really 
 good women on youths and young men cannot be 
 over-rated, and the professors both at the Staff 
 College and at the Military Academy should be of 
 our sex. 
 
 Mrs. L.-C. I always love the boys ; but I think 
 some of the staff college men are awfully stuck up. 
 
 Mrs. B. Now as to the regiment. The mess, of 
 course, should be in our province. 
 
 Mrs. L.-C. How ripping. The guest-nights 
 would be lovely dinner parties, the ante-room we'd 
 use for tea, and the band should always play from 
 5 to 6. We'd have afternoon dances every Thurs- 
 day, and turn the men out once a week and have a 
 dinner all to ourselves to talk scandal. 
 
 [The colonel 'groans.
 
 V. 
 
 " ONE OF OUR CONQUEROKS." Imperial Yeoman. " Much 
 obliged if you would pick up my sword for me." 
 
 107
 
 TOMMY'S SUNDAY AFTERNOON AS IT WILL BE 
 
 [" It has been decreed in several line battalions that in 
 future no soldier will be allowed to walk arm-in-arm in the 
 street with a female." Daily Paper.'] 
 
 1 08
 
 1 Oh 1 I say ! 'E 'as got eyes after all 1 " 
 109
 
 Doctor. " Don't feel well, eh ? Appetite all right ? " 
 
 Tommie. " Eat like a wolf, sir." 
 
 Doctor. " Sleep well ? " 
 
 Tommie. " As sound as a dog, sir." 
 
 Doctor. " Oh, you'd better see the vet. ! " 
 
 no
 
 THE JOKE THAT FAILED 
 
 Lubber. " I say. Jack, do you know why they've painted 
 the ships grey in time of peace?" 
 Jack. " I s'pose 'cos it's a neutral tint ! " 
 
 [But the other didn't laugh. He fateitJfd making 
 that witticism himself. 
 
 Hi
 
 SCENE ON BOARD H.M.S. 
 
 " I say, why am I like the Queen's chief cook ? Do you 
 give it up ?" 
 
 " Yes.' 
 
 " Because I am in a high cool-and-airy (culinary) 
 position." 
 
 [Astonished cadet nearly falls from the yard. 
 
 You young monkey, how dare you joke up in the air 
 like that ' However, we look over it this lime. Punch 
 
 lit
 
 An economical mode of putting troops into white (rowsers. 
 
 REGULATIONS FOR YEOMANRY 
 OUTPOSTS 
 
 (A Idershot Edition) 
 
 1. NEVER recognise your enemy when you 
 meet him on the road, in case you might be com- 
 pelled to take him prisoner and so cause un- 
 pleasantness and unseemly disturbance. 
 
 2. Advanced guards should walk quietly and 
 without ostentation into the enemy's main body, 
 and be careful never to look behind bushes, trees, 
 or buildings for an unobtrusive cyclist patrol. To 
 do so might cause the enemy annoyance. 
 
 P.W. llj H
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 3. An advance guard, if surrounded, will sur- 
 render without noise or alarm. To make any 
 would disturb the main body, who like to march 
 in a compact and regular formation. 
 
 4. Never allow your common-sense to over- 
 come your natural modesty so far as to induce you 
 to report to a superior officer the presence of the 
 enemy in force. You will only acquire a repu- 
 tation for officiousness by doing so. 
 
 5. Always attack an enemy in front. It is 
 unsportsmanlike and unprofessional to attack the 
 flanks. 
 
 6. When retiring before an attack maintain as 
 close a formation as the ground will admit of, and 
 retire directly upon the main infantry support. 
 You will thus expose yourselves to the fire of both 
 your own friends and the enemy, and as blank 
 cartridge hurts nobody it will add to the excite- 
 ment of the operation. 
 
 7. It is more important to roll your cloaks 
 and burnish your bits than to worry about unim- 
 portant details of minor tactics. 
 
 8. Since a solitary horseman never attracts the 
 enemy's attention, be careful to take up a position 
 
 114
 
 H 2
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 in compact formation ; to do so by files might 
 escape observation. 
 
 9. When being charged by the enemy, go fours 
 about and gallop for all you are worth ; it is just 
 as agreeable to be prodded in the back as in the 
 chest, and gives the enemy more satisfaction. To 
 extend, or work to the flanks, might deprive your 
 enemy of useful experience. 
 
 10. Never cast your eyes to the direction from 
 which the enemy is not expected, as that is the 
 usual direction of his real attack, and it is not polite 
 to spoil the arrangement of your friend the enemy. 
 
 11. Lastly, remember that the best motto for 
 Yeomanry Troopers is " Point de Zele." 
 
 OUR. RIFLE VOLUNTEERS 
 
 A Peace Song (1859) 
 (Composed and volunteered by Mr. Punch) 
 
 SOME talk of an invasion 
 
 As a thing whereat to sneeze, 
 And say we have no occasion 
 
 To guard our shores and seas : 
 Now, Punch is no alarmist, 
 
 Nor is moved by idle fears, 
 But he sees no harm that we all should arm 
 
 As Rifle Volunteers 1 
 116
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 Let sudden foes assail us, 
 
 Tis well we be prepared ; 
 Our Fleet who knows? may fail us, 
 
 Nor serve our shores to guard. 
 For self-defence, then, purely, 
 
 Good reason there appears, 
 To have, on land, a force at hand 
 
 Of Rifle Volunteers ! 
 
 To show no wish for fighting, 
 
 Our forces we'd increase ; 
 But 'tis our foes by frighting 
 
 We best may keep at peace, 
 For who will dare molest us 
 
 When, to buzz about their ears, 
 All along our coast there swarms a host 
 
 Of Rifle Volunteers ! 
 
 Abroad ill winds are blowing, 
 
 Abroad war's vermin swarm ; 
 What may hap there's no knowing, 
 
 We may not 'scape the storm. 
 Athirst for blood, the Eagles 
 
 May draw our dove's nest near; 
 But we'll scare away all birds of prey 
 
 With our Rifle Volunteers! 
 
 No menace we're intending, 
 
 Offence to none we mean, 
 We arm but for defending 
 
 Our country and our Queen ! 
 To British hearts 'tis loyalty 
 
 'Tis love her name endears: 
 Up 1 then, and form 1 shield her from harm 
 
 Ye Rifle Volunteers I 
 nS
 
 1.20
 
 121
 
 122
 
 123
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 CHAT A LA MODE 
 
 Brown, Jones, and Robinson, discovered discussing the staff 
 of the Navy in a first-class compartment 
 
 Brown. My dear fellows, I can assure you we 
 are in a terrible condition of unpreparedness. If 
 France was to declare war to-morrow we should 
 be nowhere absolutely nowhere ! 
 
 Jones. You mean, of course, with Russia. 
 
 Robinson. Or was it Italy ? 
 
 Brown. It doesn't matter which. I fancy that 
 France alone could tackle us. Why, a man was 
 telling me the other day that if Gibraltar was 
 seized as it might be we should not get a ship- 
 load of wood for months yes, for months ! 
 
 Jones. But what has Gibraltar to do with it ? 
 
 Robinson. Why, of course, it guards our 
 approaches to the Suez Canal. 
 
 Brown. Oh, that's only a matter of detail. But 
 what we want is a hundred millions to be spent at 
 once. Cobden said so, and I agree with Cobden. 
 
 Jones. But upon what ? 
 
 Robinson. Oh, in supporting the Sultan, and 
 subsidising the Ameer. 
 
 124
 
 SUGGESTED HELMET FOR ARMY MOTORISTS 
 
 The same, as worn 
 motor duty. 
 
 The new helmet as ordinarily 
 
 worn. 
 
 Directions : Simply unhook the lower portion of the 
 helmet ; thereby extending the collapsible weather- 
 and dust-proof mask. Admirable also as a disguise. 
 
 on 
 
 Brown. I cion't think that sort of thing is of 
 much importance. But if we had a hundred mil- 
 lions (as Mr. Cobden suggested), we might increase 
 our coaling stations, and build new ships, and 
 double the navy, and do all sorts of things. 
 
 Jones. But I thought we were fairly well off for 
 coaling stations, had lots of ships on the stocks, 
 and, with the assistance of our merchant marine, 
 an ample supply of good sailors. 
 126
 
 \G WAGGING Sergeant of Signallers. "What ai's Murphy 
 to-day ? He don't seem able to take in a thing ! " Private Mvl- 
 vaney. " Shall I signal to 'im, ' Will ye 'ave a drink ? ' ? " 
 
 127
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 Robinson. That's what all you fellows say ! But 
 wait till we have a war, and then you will see the 
 fallacy of all your arguments. No, we should buy 
 the entire fleet of the world. There should be no 
 other competitor. Britannia should really rule the 
 waves. 
 
 Brown. Yes, yes. Of course ; but after all, that 
 is not the important matter. What we want is a 
 hundred millions available to be spent on anything 
 and everything. And it's no use having further 
 discussion because that was Cobden's view of it, 
 and so it is mine. 
 
 Jones. And where is it to come from out of the 
 rates ? 
 
 Drown and Robinson (together). Certainly not. 
 
 Jones. Or the taxes ? 
 
 Brown and Robinson (as before). Don't be absurd. 
 
 Jones. Well, it must come from somewhere ! 
 Can you tell me where ? 
 
 Robinson. Why should we ? 
 
 Brown. Yes, why should we ? Even Cobden 
 
 didn't go so far as that, and But here we are 
 
 at the station. 
 
 [Invasion of porters, and end of the conversation. 
 128
 
 TU QUOQUE. 
 
 Army Candidate. " And I only muffed one thing in the geography 
 paper. Couldn't for the life of me think where the Straits of Macassar 
 were I " 
 
 Fond Father. " Oh, I say, you ought to have known that. Fancy 
 the Straits of Macassar ! " 
 
 Army Candidate. " Well, I didn't, anyhow. By the way, where 
 are they, dad ? " 
 
 Fond Father. " Oh where are they ? Oh er they're well, 
 they're but don't you think we'd better go to lunch ? " 
 
 p.w. 129 I
 
 A HORSE-MARINE 
 
 Club Wag. " Well, good-night, Admiral." 
 Warrior. " There's a stupid joke. ' Admiral ! Can't 
 you see my spurs ? " 
 
 Wag. " Oh, I thought they were your twin screws."
 
 Sentry (on the simultaneous approach of two persons'). " Who 
 goes there ? two ways at once I " 
 
 i a
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 MILITARY DIALOGUES 
 II 
 
 ARMY REFORM 
 
 SCENE. The canteen of the Rutlandshire Regiment, 
 at Downboro', an airy, plastered hall with high 
 windows. A bar at one end is backed by a ram- 
 part of beer barrels. A double line of barrack 
 tables and benches runs down the room. The hour 
 is 5 p.m. At one of the tables sits Mr. W. 
 Wilson, late Private in the regiment, in all the 
 glory of a new check suit of an aggressive pat- 
 tern, a crimson tie, a horseshoe pin, an aluminium 
 watch-chain, a grey " bowler " and a buttonhole 
 of violets. Privates W. and G. Smith, 
 P. Brady, E. Dudd and other men of H. 
 company are at the table, or standing near it. 
 
 Mr. Wilson (passing round a great tin measure con- 
 taining beer, after taking a preliminary pull himself). 
 Of course I do 'ear more, being in the smoke, than 
 you 'ear down in this provincial 'ole ; and there's 
 
 132
 
 AT A COUNTRY HOUSB." Well, my dear Admiral, and how did 
 you sleep?" " Not at all, General. Confounded butterfly flew 
 
 in at the window, and was flopping around all night couldn't get a 
 wink of sleep." " Ah, dashed dangerous things, butterflies I " 
 
 133
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 generals and statesmen and such-like comes and 
 stays at our place, and when they gets tied up in a 
 knot over any military question, as often as not 
 they s?ys, '* Let's ask Wilson, the under- 
 gardener. 'E's a hex-military man; 'e's a 'ighly 
 intellergent feller " ; and I generally gets them out 
 of their difficulty. 
 
 Pie. W. Smith. D'ye know anything about this 
 army reform ? 
 
 Mr. W ikon (with lofty scorn). Do I know any- 
 thing about it ? 
 
 Pte. G. Smith. D'ye think they're going to 
 make a good job of it. 
 
 Mr. Wilson. Naaw. And why ? Becos they're 
 goin' the wrong wai to work. They 're arskin the 
 opinion of perfeshernal hexperts and other sich 
 ignoramuses, and ain't goin' to the fountain 'ead. 
 Go's the backbone of the English service ? 
 
 Pte. P. Brady. The Oirish private. 
 
 Mr. Wilson. Right you are, my 'Ibernian 
 always subsitooting British for Hirish and the 
 British compiny is the finest horganisation in the 
 world. Give the private a free 'and and a rise of 
 pay, and make the compiny the model of the
 
 " PRIVATES, BUT NOT FULL " (1875) 
 
 First Driver (after a kng day). " The 'orse 'rtillery's a- 
 getting quite aristercratic. It don't dine till eight o'clock 1 ! " 
 
 Second Driver. " Stroikes me to-morrow the 'orse 
 'rtillery '11 be too aristercratic to dine at all 1 1 "
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 army, and then yer can put all the hexperts and 
 all the Ryle Commissions and their reports to 
 bed. 
 
 Pie. Dudd. As how ? 
 
 Mr. Wilson. As 'ow, yer old thick head ? It's 
 as plain as a pike-staff. Taike this question of 
 responsibility. When some one comes a bloomer, 
 and the paipers all rise 'ell, the civilian toff, 'oos a 
 sort of a commander-in-chief in a Sunday coat and 
 a chimney-pot 'at, 'e says, " It ain't me. Arsk the 
 real commander-in-chief," and the feeld-marshal 
 'e says, "Arsk the hadjutant-general," and the 
 hadjutant-general, 'e says, " Arsk the hordnance 
 bloke." Now in the compiny there ain't none of 
 that. If the colonel goin' round at kit inspection 
 finds the beds badly made up, or jags and sight- 
 protectors deficient, or 'oles in the men's socks, 'e 
 goes fierce for the captin' and threatens to stop 'is 
 leave ; and the captin' don't say, " Oh, it's the 
 hadjutant, or the quarter-master, or the chaplain 
 what's to blame," no, 'e gives the subalterns and 
 the coloured-sergeant beans, and they slip it in to 
 the sergeants and corprils in charge of squads, and 
 the beds is set up straight, and the men put down 
 136
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 for jags and sight-protectors, and the 'oles in the 
 socks is mended. 
 
 Pie. W. Smith. That's so, old pal. What else 
 would you recermend ? 
 
 Mr. W ikon (reaching out for the measure). Thank 
 yer. This 'ere army-reforming's a dry job. Now 
 as to the metherd of attack. When the regiment 
 goes out field-firing the henemy's a line of 
 hearthenware pots, touched up on the sly by the 
 markers with a dash of white ; the captains count 
 the telergraph posts up the range and give the 
 exact distance ; and the men goes 'opping along 
 in line like crows on a ploughed field, the 
 sergeantes a-naggin' 'em about the 'Ithe position 
 and the coprils calling them back to pick up empty 
 cartridge cases. Is that the wai, that you, George 
 Smith, and you, Bill, and you, Pat, used ter creep 
 up to the rabbit warrens when we used ter go out 
 in the herly morning to assist the farmers to keep 
 down the ground gime poaching the colonel 
 called it ? No, we hexecuted wide turning move- 
 ments and never showed no more than the tip 
 of a nose. Let drill of attack alone, I say, and 
 develop the sporting hinstinct of the private.
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 Omnes. 'Ear, 'ear. 
 
 Mr. Wilson. And this matter of mobility. Why, 
 if you or me or any of us was on furlough at 
 'Ampstead or Margit, we was never off a 'orse's or 
 a moke's back as long as the dibs lasted. Give us 
 the brass, and we'll find the mobility. 
 
 Pte. W. Smith. Why don't yer write to the 
 Prime Minister, and give him your ideas ? 
 
 Mr. Wilson. I shall. A few hintelligent ex- 
 privates in the Cabinet, a rise of pay for privates 
 and two days' rabitting, and a trip to Margit every 
 week would sive the British Army. 
 
 TRAMPS 
 
 ["In spite of the demand for recruits, the number of 
 tramps remain, undiminished." Daily Paper."] 
 
 WHY does not patriotic fire 
 My all too torpid heart inspire 
 With irresistible desire 
 
 To seek the tented camp, sir, 
 Where Glory, with her bronze V.C., 
 Waits for the brave, perhaps for me ? 
 Because I much prefer to be 
 
 A lazy, idle tramp, sir. 
 140
 
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 Hal 
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 111** 
 
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 S S 10 .? 
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 a 01 no S B 
 
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 4J *O 1^ 
 
 593
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 I toil not, neither do I spin. 
 For me, the laggard days begin 
 Hours after all my kith and kin 
 
 Are weary with their labours ; 
 The heat and burden of the day 
 They bear, poor fools, as best they may, 
 While I serenely smoke my clay 
 
 And pity my poor neighbours. 
 
 When Afric burns the trooper brown, 
 By leafy lanes I loiter down 
 Through Haslemere to Dorking town, 
 
 Each Surrey nook exploring ; 
 Or 'neath a Berkshire hay-rick I 
 At listless length do love to lie, 
 And watch the river stealing by 
 
 Between the hills of Goring. 
 
 Why should I change these dear delightg 
 For toilsome days and sleepless nights, 
 And red Bellona's bloody rites 
 
 That bear the devil's stamp, sir ? 
 Let others hear the people cry 
 " A hero he ! " I care not, I, 
 So I may only live and die, 
 
 A lazy, idle tramp, sir. 
 
 14*
 
 P.VV. 
 
 143
 
 K 2
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 SCENE Within measurable distance of Waking. Enter 
 lounger and marksman R. and L. 
 
 Lounger (heartily'). Why, I am glad to see you ! 
 And how are things going on ? 
 
 Marksman (cordially, but abruptly}. Capitally ! 
 Good-bye ! 
 
 Loung. But I say, what a hurry you are in ! 
 Can't you stop a minute for a chat ? 
 
 Marks. Another time, but just now moments are 
 precious. 
 
 Loung. But I say, you see I have found myself 
 here it doesn't take much longer than getting 
 down to Wimbledon. 
 
 Marks. Of course it doesn't whoever said it 
 did ? But there, old chap, I must be off! 
 
 Loung. You are in a hurry ! Ah, we used to 
 have pleasant days in the old place ? 
 
 Marks. Did we ? I daresay we did. 
 
 Loung. Why, of course ! Grand old days ! 
 Don't you remember what fun it used to be 
 decorating your tent ; and then, when the ladies 
 148
 
 149
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 came down which they did nearly all the day 
 long what larks it was getting them tea and 
 claret-cup ? 
 
 Marks. Very likely. But we don't have many 
 ladies now, and a good job, too they are a bore. 
 
 Loung. Well, you are a chap ! Why, how can 
 there be any fun without your sisters, and your 
 cousins, and your maiden aunts ? 
 
 Marks. We don't want fun. But there, good- 
 bye ! 
 
 Loung. But I say, I have come all this way to 
 look you up. 
 
 Marks, (unbending). Very kind of you, my dear 
 fellow, you have chosen rather an unfortunate 
 time. 
 
 Loung. Why, at Wimbledon you had nothing 
 to do! 
 
 Marks. Very likely. But then Bisley isn't 
 Wimbledon. 
 
 Loung (dryly). So it seems. Everyone said that 
 when they moved the camp further away from 
 home, they would ruin the meeting. 
 
 Marks. Then everyone was wrong. Why we are 
 going on swimmingly. 
 
 150
 
 '5'
 
 Mr Punch on the Warpath 
 
 Loung. It must be beastly dull. 
 
 Marks. Not at all. Lovely country, good range, 
 and, after it rains, two minutes later it is dry as 
 bone. 
 
 Loung. Yes, but it stands to reason that it can't 
 be as popular as Wimbledon. 
 
 Marks. My dear fellow, figures are the best test 
 of that. In all the history of the Association we 
 never had more entries than this year. 
 
 Loung. That may be, but you don't have half the 
 fun you had nearer town. 
 
 Marks, (laughing). Don't want to ! Business, my 
 dear fellow, not pleasure ! And now, old man, I 
 really must be oft. Ta ! ta ! See you later. 
 
 [Exit. 
 
 Loung. Well, whatever he may say, I prefer 
 Wimbledon. And as there doesn't seem much for 
 me to do down here, I shall return to town. 
 
 [Does so. Curtain.
 
 \\\ iii 
 
 A NASTY ONE. Colonel Smithson (of the Poonah Marines). 
 
 "By 
 
 the way, my boy at Sandhurst hopes to get into your regiment some 
 day." Little Simpson (of the Royal Hussars Green). " Aw I aw 
 hope your son is up to our form I" Colonel Smithson. "Yur 
 
 form ! Dash it, he's over four feet high, anyhow I " 
 
 153
 
 OVERHEARD AT PORTSMOUTH. Jack. " Well, Polly lass, 
 if it's true as 'ow you're going to get spliced to Bill, all I 
 'opes is that he'll stick to you through thick and thin ! " 
 Polly. "Well, 'e ought to, Jack. 'E works in a glue 
 factory." 
 
 156
 
 11 Awful bore, dear old chap. War offith won't have me, 
 thimply becauth my eyethight ith tho doothed badl " 
 
 157
 
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 Xi. 5 rt
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 A LAY OF THE UNION JACK 
 
 (By a patriotic Cockney} 
 
 THOUGH I feel less at home on the bounding wave 
 
 Than I do on the firm dry land, 
 I can spin you a yarn of a right good craft 
 
 That is true-British owned and manned. 
 The winds may blow, and the storms may beat, 
 
 And the hurricanes rage and roar, 
 But " the ship I love " on her course will hold 
 
 With the Union Jack at the fore. 
 
 Fair weather or foul, she ploughs along, 
 
 Leaving far astern the strand, 
 And many a towering sister bark 
 
 We pass on the starboard hand, 
 And, Westward ho 1 as we bear away I 
 I can count stout ships galore, 
 Abeam, in our wake, and ahead, that fly 
 
 The Union Jack at the fore. 
 
 And the sight of the flag that has swept the seas, 
 
 Nor ever has known disgrace, 
 Makes even a landlubber's bosom swell 
 
 With the pride of his English race. 
 At that gallant sight in my landsman's heart 
 
 I rejoice and rejoice still more 
 That I'm only aboard of a road-car 'bus, 
 
 With the Union Jack at the fore 1 
 
 1 60
 
 f.W
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 DO'S AND DONT'S FOR VOLUN- 
 TEERS 
 
 1. DON'T go to camp. But if you do, 
 
 2. Don't get up when revally sounds. You'll find 
 adjutant's parade in the early morning, the very 
 early morning, such a beastly bore, and so bad for 
 the liver that it is far wiser to stay in the " pal- 
 liasse " (besides, hasn't your doctor often told you 
 that it is madness to suppose you can play such 
 tricks at your time of life ?) they can only give 
 you a few years' imprisonment for repeated muti- 
 nous conduct, and you could doubtless petition 
 the Home Secretary for an aggravation of your 
 sentence. 
 
 3. Don't submit to harsh or cursory remarks 
 from the adjutant. Do answer him back. You 
 know quite well that in private life you would not 
 put up with his hasty, ill-considered and offensive 
 language, nor permit him to hector you because 
 your collar was not clean, and if you have come on 
 parade without cleaning your belt or rifle, what 
 
 V. 
 
 right has he to say that it makes him furious ? Do 
 point out to him how absurd it is to expect such 
 
 162
 
 J 
 
 163 
 
 L *
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 minute attention to discipline on the part of so 
 intelligent a volunteer as yourself. 
 
 4. Don't overtax your strength or weaken your 
 heart by " doubling " up impossible hills, merely 
 because the colonel (on a horse) thinks it looks 
 pretty. Of course you would be perfectly ready to 
 do anything that was necessary, but how can the 
 empire's safety depend upon your losing your 
 wind, when the enemy are some of your oldest 
 friends, with a handkerchief tied round their 
 sleeves ? 
 
 5. Do insist upon having hot water to shave 
 with, and an extra blanket when the nights get 
 chilly. Very probably the captain of your com- 
 pany would turn out of his bed and take your 
 palliasse if you asked him nicely. 
 
 6. Don't do any menial or degrading work, such 
 as cleaning cooking utensils or greasing your own 
 boots. The Government ought to know that gen- 
 tlemen can't be expected to do that kind of work, 
 and should provide an efficient staff of servants. 
 
 7. Don't do anything you would rather not. 
 
 8. Do set all military discipline at defiance. 
 You probably know much better than your officers. 
 
 164
 
 165
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 g. Don't blame me if you find yourself in prison. 
 
 10. Do make a stern resolution never to come to 
 camp again. 
 
 11. Don't keep it. 
 
 BUTS AT BISLEY 
 
 (Compiled by an evil-minded enthusiast} 
 
 THE shooting could not be more satisfactory but 
 for the customary "accident." 
 
 Everyone would make a " bull " but for the haze 
 and the shiftiness of the wind. 
 
 The catering is in every way excellent, but heavy 
 meals scarcely assist in getting on the target. 
 
 It is delightful to entertain visitors especially 
 ladies at the camp, but champagne-cup and pro- 
 visions generally run into money. 
 
 It is healthy to sleep under canvas, but when the 
 thermometer marks ninety in the shade or the rain 
 pours down in torrents a bed in an inn is preferable. 
 
 Bisley is a beautiful place, but Woking cemetery 
 is a dismal neighbour. 
 
 Distinctly it is nobly patriotic to spend a fort- 
 night with the N. R. A., in the cause of the father- 
 land, but is it quite worth the trouble ?
 
 167
 
 168
 
 170
 
 . 
 
 / 
 
 w 
 
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 /MI Fr v*w ' Vi T* *1W
 
 174
 
 j WM S'jjj&fa 
 
 o.y,c: 
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 rt S^ 
 
 to o 
 
 176
 
 p.w.
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 MILITARY DIALOGUES 
 
 III 
 
 HOW IT SHOULD NOT BE DONE 
 
 Interior of a dreary room in the War Office. A tired- 
 looking young officer, in mufti, sits at a table 
 with great piles of papers, each bundle tied with 
 red tape and ticketed with labels of different 
 colours, on one side of it ready to his hand. 
 Another pile of papers, which he has already 
 dealt with, is on the other side of the table. He 
 is an official and has many letters, the first two 
 being D.A. after his name. The gas has just 
 been lighted. A clerk brings in another fat 
 bundle of papers. 
 
 The Officer (patting the smaller pile on the table}. 
 These can go on, Smithers. That question of 
 sardine-openers must go back to the commissariat, 
 and the General commanding the Central District 
 must be authorised to deal on bis own responsi- 
 bility with the matter of the fierce bull in the
 
 79 
 
 M 9
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 field where the recruits bathe. What have you 
 got there ? 
 
 The Clerk. It is the correspondence, sir, 
 relative to that false tooth requisitioned for by the 
 officer commanding the Rutlandshire Regiment 
 for the first cornet of the band. The Medical 
 Department sent it back to us this morning, and 
 there is another letter in from the Colonel, pro- 
 testing against his regiment being forced to go 
 route marching to an imperfect musical accom- 
 paniment. 
 
 The Officer (groaning). I thought we had got 
 rid of that matter at last by sending it to the 
 doctors. 
 
 The Clerk. No, sir. The Surgeon-General has 
 decided that " one tooth, false, with gold attach- 
 ment," cannot be considered a medical comfort. 
 
 The Officer (taking a precis from the top of the 
 papers). I suppose we must go into the matter 
 again. It began with the letter from the Colonel 
 to the General ? 
 
 The Clerk. Yes, sir, here it is. The O. C. the 
 Rutland Regiment has the honour to report that 
 the first cornet player in the band has lost a 
 1 80
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 tooth, and as the band has become inefficient in 
 the playing of marching music in consequence, he 
 requests that a false tooth may be supplied at 
 Government expense. 
 
 The Officer. And the General, of course, replied 
 in the usual formula that he had no fund available 
 for such purpose. 
 
 The Clerk. Yes, sir; but suggested that the 
 regimental band fund might be drawn on. 
 
 The Officer. Where is the Colonel's letter in 
 reply. (It is handed to him.) Ah, yes. Band 
 fund is established, he writes, for purchase of 
 musical instruments and music, and not for 
 repair of incomplete bandsmen, and refuses to 
 authorise expense, except under order from the 
 Commander-in-Chief. 
 
 The Clerk. The General sends this on to us 
 with a remark as to the Colonel's temper. 
 
 The Officer. And we pass it to the Quarter- 
 Master-General's people, suggesting that under 
 certain circumstances a false tooth might be 
 considered a " necessary," and a free issue made. 
 
 The Clerk. A very long memo, on the subject, 
 in reply, from the Q.-M.-G., sir. He points out
 
 L, / 
 
 : 

 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 that though, under exceptional circumstances, a 
 pair of spectacles might be held to be a sight- 
 protector, a false tooth could not be held to be 
 either a fork, a spoon, a shaving-brush, a razor, or 
 even an oil bottle. 
 
 The Officer. We wrote back suggesting that it 
 might pass as a "jag" our little joke. 
 
 The Clerk. Your little joke, sir. The Q.-M.-G.'s 
 people didn't see it. 
 
 The Officer. No ? Then the correspondence 
 goes on to the Ordnance Department, with a 
 suggestion that a false tooth might be considered 
 an arm or an accoutrement. 
 
 The Clerk. The Director-General replies, sir, 
 that in the early days of the British Army, when 
 the Army Clothing Department's sole issue was a 
 supply of woad, a tooth, or indeed a nail, might 
 have reasonably been indented for as a weapon, 
 but that, owing to the introduction and perfection 
 of fire-arms, such weapons are now obsolete and 
 cannot be issued. 
 
 The Officer. And now the Medical Service 
 refuse to help us. 
 
 The Clerk. Yes, sir. They cannot bring the 
 184
 
 VOLUNTEER MANOEUVRES 
 
 Sergeant, M Can 1 do anything for you, captain ? " 
 Captain. " Why, thanky, sergeant. If you wouldn't 
 mind giving my other leg a hitch over 1 " 
 
 185
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 fixing of it under the head of surgical operations, 
 and the Surgeon-General points out very justly, 
 if I may be permitted to say so, sir, that a seal- 
 pattern false tooth could hardly be considered a 
 " medical comfort." 
 
 The Officer. What are we to do ? The Colonel 
 of the regiment is evidently furious. 
 
 The Clerk. We might send the correspondence 
 to the Inspector of Iron Structures. He may be 
 able to do or suggest something. 
 
 The Officer. Very well ; and will you send off 
 this telegram to my wife saying I have a long 
 evening's work before me, and that I shall not be 
 able to get back to dinner to-night ? (Exit the 
 Clerk.) Whenever will they trust a General 
 Commanding a District to spend for the public 
 good on his own responsibility a sum as large as 
 a schoolboy's allowance, and so take some of the 
 unnecessary work off our shoulders ? 
 
 [He tackles wearily another file of papers. 
 
 186
 
 - '-> 
 
 MULTUM IN PARVO 
 
 Inspecting Officer. " How is it your khaki is so much too 
 small ? " 
 
 Stout Yeoman. " It do seem a bit skimpy, sur. But tailor 
 says as how I'm bound to grow a 'cap smaller on hactive 
 service, an 1 'e's allowin' for shrinkage." 
 
 1*7
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 INSTRUCTIONS TO NAUTICAL 
 
 MEN IN THE NOBLE ART OF 
 
 QUADRILLE DANCING 
 
 LE PANTALON. Haul upon the starboard tack 
 and let the other craft pass then bear up and get 
 your head on the other tack regain your berth on 
 the port tack back and fill with your partner and 
 boxhaul her wear round twice against the sun in 
 company with the opposite craft, then your own 
 afterwards boxhaul her again and bring her up. 
 
 L'ETE. Shoot ahead about two fathoms till 
 you nearly come stem on with the other craft 
 under weigh then make a stern board to your 
 berth and side out for a bend, first to starboard, 
 then to port make sail and pass the opposite 
 craft then get your head round on the other tack 
 another side to starboard and port then make 
 sail to regain your berth wear round, back and 
 fill and boxhaul your partner. 
 
 LA POULE. Heave ahead and pass your 
 adversary yard-arm to yard-arm regain your 
 berth on the other tack in the same order take 
 your station in a line with your partner back and 
 
 188
 
 -r 
 
 WHAT THE "BRITISH GRENADIER" IS 
 INEVITABLY COMING TO 
 
 Some talk of Alexander, and some of Pericles, 
 Of Hector and Lysander, and such old guys as these ; 
 But of all the horrid objects, the " wust " I do declare, 
 Is the Prusso-Russo-Belgo-Gallo- British Grenadier. 
 
 189
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 fill fall on your heel and bring up with your 
 partner she then manoeuvres ahead and heaves 
 all aback, fills and shoots ahead again and 
 pays off alongside you then make sail in 
 company, till nearly stem on with the other line 
 make a stern board and cast her off to shift for 
 herself regain your berth in the best means 
 possible, and let go your anchor. 
 
 LA TRENISE. Wear round as before against 
 the sun twice, boxhaul the lady, and range up 
 alongside her, and make sail in company when 
 half-way across to the other shore drop astern 
 with the tide shoot ahead again and cast off the 
 tow now back and fix as before and boxhaul her 
 and yourself into your berth, and bring up. 
 
 LA PASTORALE. Shoot ahead alongside your 
 partner, then make a stern board again make all 
 sail over to the other coast let go the hawser, 
 and pay off into your own berth and take a turn 
 the three craft opposite range up abreast towards 
 you twice, and back astern again now manosuvre 
 any rig you like, only under easy sail, as it is 
 always " light winds " (zephyrs) in this passage 
 as soon as you see their helms down, haul round in 
 
 190
 
 " THE RESERVE FORCES." Militia Officer. " Augh ! 
 a new man. Ah 've you been in 'service before ? " 
 Recruit. " Yes, sir." Officer. " Augh what regiment ? " 
 Recruit. " Mrs. Wiggins's coachman, sir ! 1 " 
 
 191
 
 Mr. Punch on the Warpath 
 
 company with them on port tack then make all 
 sail with your partner into your own berth, and 
 bring up. 
 
 LA FINALE. Wear round to starboard, passing 
 under your partner's bows sight the catheads of 
 craft on your starboard bow then make sail into 
 your own berth your partner passing athwart 
 your bows now proceed according to the second 
 order of sailing to complete the evolutions shoot 
 ahead and back astern twice, in company with the 
 whole squadron, in the circular order of sailing. 
 
 THE END 
 
 BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDC