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 -IBRARY] 
 
 >iiVCR£iTY OF i 
 :ALIFOn.MIA I 
 
 AN DIEGO I 
 
 _y
 
 V.2.
 
 n\
 
 / y THE ^^ 
 
 y 
 
 AND 
 
 OPINIONS 
 
 O F 
 
 TRISTRAM SHANDY, 
 
 Gentleman. 
 
 AK^at, ret, VTt^t ru> ng«7p.«TW>, A&y^»T». 
 
 VOL. II. 
 
 A NEW EDITION. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 PrinteJ for J. D o d s l e y in Pall- mull. 
 M.DCC.LXXVII.
 
 THE 
 
 LIFE and OPINIONS 
 
 O F 
 
 TRISTRAM SHANDY, Gent. 
 
 CHAP. I. 
 
 YOUR fudden and unexpetSled arri- 
 val, quoth my uncle Toh)y addrefTing 
 himfelf to Dr. Slop, (all three of them fittin* 
 down to the fire together, as my undeTcly 
 began to fpeak)— inftantly brought the great 
 Suvlfius into my hc3.ii, who, you muft know, 
 is a favourite author with me. — Then, ad- 
 ded my father, making ufe of the argument 
 Jd Crwnenatn, — I will lay twenty guineas to 
 a fingle crown-piece, (which will fcrvc to 
 give away to Obadiah when he gets back) 
 
 A 2 that
 
 ( 4 ) 
 
 that this fame Sievinus v/as fome engineer or 
 other, — or has wrote fomething or other, 
 either direcSiIy or indireclly, upon the fcience 
 of fortification. 
 
 He has fo, — replied my uncle Tohy. — I 
 knew it, faid my father, — though, for the 
 foul of me, I cannot fee what kind of con- 
 nedlion there can be betwixt Dr. Slop's 
 fudden coming, and a difcourfe upon forti- 
 fication ; — yet I fear'd it. — Talk of what 
 
 we will, brother, or lei the occafion be 
 
 never fo foreign or unfit for the fubjefl, — . 
 you are fure to bring it in. I would not, 
 
 brother 'Tohy^ continued my father, 
 
 I declare I would not have my head fo full 
 of curtins and horn-works. — That 1 dare 
 fay, you would not, quoth Dr. Slop., inter- 
 rupting him, and laughing mofi: immode- 
 rately at his pun. 
 
 Dennis
 
 ( 5 ) 
 
 Dennis the critic could not deteft and ab- 
 hor a pun, or the inflnuation of a pun, more 
 cordially than my father ; — he would grow 
 tcfty upon it at any time ; — but to be broke 
 in upon by one, in a ferious difcourfe, v/as 
 as bad, he would fay, as a fillip upon the 
 nofe j he faw no difference. 
 
 Sir, quoth my uncle Toby, addrefTing 
 himfelf to Dr. Slopy — the curtins my bro- 
 ther i'Z'^/z^ mentions here, have nothing to 
 do with bedfteadsj— tho', I know Du Cange 
 fay?, " That bed-curtains, in all probabi- 
 " lity, have taken their name from them ;" 
 ■ — nor have the horn-works, he fpeaks of, 
 any thing in the world to do with the horn- 
 works of cuckoldom: — But the Curtln^ Sir, 
 is the word we ufe in fortification, for that 
 part of the wall or rampart which lies be- 
 tween the two baflions and joins them.— 
 Beuegcrs fcldom offer to carry on their at- 
 A 3 tacks
 
 ( 6 ) 
 
 tacks (lirefily againft the curtin, for this 
 reafon, becaufe they are fo well fianked. 
 ('Tis the cafe of other curtins, quoth Dr. 
 <%/>, laughing.) However, continued my 
 uncle Tchy^ to make them fure, we gene- 
 rally choofe to place ravelins before them, 
 taking care only to extend them beyond the 
 
 r:ifre or ditch: The common men, who 
 
 know very little of fortification, confound 
 the ravelin and the half-moon together,— 
 tho' they are very different things ; — not in 
 their figure or conftrudion, for we make 
 them exadlly alike, in all points ;— for they 
 always confifl: of two faces, making a fali- 
 cnt angle, with the gorges, not ilraight, 
 
 but in form of a crcfcent:- Where then 
 
 lies the difference ? (quoth my father, a lit- 
 tle teftily.) — In their fituations, anfwered 
 my uncle Tdy : — For when a ravelin, bro- 
 ther, {lands before the curtin, it is a rave- 
 lin i and when a ravelin ffands before a ba- 
 
 ilion,
 
 ( 7 ) 
 
 ftion, then the ravelin is not a ravelin ; — it 
 is a half-moon; — a half-moon likewife is a 
 half-moon, and no more, fo long as it 
 
 {lands before its baftion ; but was it to 
 
 change place, and get before the curtin, — 
 'twould be no longer a half-moon j a half- 
 moon, in that cafe, is not a half-moon ;— 
 
 'tis no more than a ravelin. 1 think, 
 
 quoth my father, that the noble fcience of 
 defence has its weak fides ■■ as well as 
 others. 
 
 —As for the horn-work (high ! ho i figh'd 
 my father) which, continued my uncle Tohy^ 
 my brother was fpeaking of, they are a very 
 
 confiderable part of an outwork ; they 
 
 are called by the French engineers, Oircrags 
 a corne^ and we generally make them to co- 
 ver fuch places as we fufpedl to be weaker 
 than the reft;— 'tis formed by two epaul- 
 mcnts or demi-baftions— they are very pret- 
 
 A 4 ty,
 
 ( 8 ) 
 
 ty j-^^and if you will take a walk, I'll engage 
 to fhew you one well worth your trouble.— 
 I own, continued my uncle Toby^ when we 
 crown them, — they are much ftronger, but 
 then they are very expenfive, and take up a 
 great deal of ground, fo that, in my opi- 
 nion, they are moft of ufe to cover or de- 
 fend the head of a camp; otherwife the 
 double tenaille — By the mother who bore 
 
 us ! brother Tobyt quoth my father, not 
 
 able to hold out any longer, you would 
 
 provoke a faint ;■ — —here have you got us, 
 I know not hov/, not only foufe into the 
 middle of the old fubjefl again : — But fo 
 full is your head of thefe confounded works, 
 that though my wife 1-; this moment in the 
 pains of labour, and you hear her cry out, 
 yet nothing will ferve you but to carry off 
 
 the man-midwife, Accoucheur^ — if you 
 
 pleafe, quoth Dr. Slop. With all my 
 
 heart, replied my father, I don't care what 
 
 they
 
 ( 9 ) 
 they call you, — but I wifh the whole fci- 
 ence of fortification, with all its inventors, 
 at the devil ; — it has been the death of thou- 
 fands, — and it will be mine in the end. — I 
 would not, I would not, brother Toby^ have 
 my brains fo full of faps, mines, blinds, 
 gabions, pallifadoes, ravelins-, half-moons, 
 and fuch trumpery, to be proprietor of Na-\ 
 mur, and of all the tov/ns in Flanders with 
 it. 
 
 My uncle Toby was a man patient of in- 
 juries; — not from want of courage, — I have 
 told you in the fifth chapter of this fecond 
 book, " that he was a man of courage :" — 
 And will add here, that uhcre juft occa- 
 fions prefentcd, or c;^.lled it forth, — I know 
 no man under whofe arm I would have 
 
 fooncr taken fhelter; nor did this arife 
 
 from any infenfibility or obtufenefs of his 
 intellectual parts ^ — for he felt this infult of 
 
 my
 
 f 10 ) 
 
 my father's as feelingly as a man could do; 
 —but he was of a peaceful, placid nature, 
 —no jarring element in it, — all was mixed 
 up fo kindly within him ; my uncle Toby 
 had fcarce a heart to retaliate upon a fly. 
 
 "~-Go — fays he, one day at dinner, to an 
 over-grown one which had buzzed about 
 his nofe, and tormented him cruelly all din- 
 ner-time, — and which after infiniteattempts, 
 he had caught at laft, as it flew by him ; — I'll 
 not hurt thee, fays my uncle Toby, rifing 
 from his chair, and going acrofs the room, 
 
 with the fly in his hand, I'll not hurt a 
 
 hair of thy head : — Go, fays he, lifting up 
 the fafh, and opening his hand as he fpoke 
 to let it efcape; — go, poor devil, get thee 
 gone, whv fhould I hurt thee ?— — — This 
 world furely is v/ide enough to hold both 
 thee and me. 
 
 I was
 
 ( n ) 
 
 I was but ten years old when this happen- 
 ed : but whether it was, that the aftion it- 
 felf was more in unifon to my nerves at that 
 age of pity, which inflantly fet my whole 
 frame into one vibration of moft pleafure- 
 able fenfation ;— or how far the manner and 
 expreffion of it might go towards it ; — or in 
 v/hat degree, or by what fecret magic,— a 
 tone of voice and harmony of movement, at- 
 tuned by mercy, might find a palTage to my 
 lieart, I know not ; — this I know, that the 
 JefTon of univerfal good-will then taught and 
 imprinted by my uncle Tchy, has never fincc 
 been v/orn out of my mind : And tho' I would 
 not depreciate what the {tudy of the Litera 
 humaniorcs, at the univerfity, have done for 
 me in that refpeft, or difcredlt the other helps 
 of an expcnfivc education beilowed upon me, 
 both at home and abroad fince ; — yet 1 often 
 think that I owe one half of my philan- 
 thropy to that one accidental imprcfTion. 
 
 This
 
 ( 12 ) 
 This is to ferve for parents and governors 
 inilead of a whole volume upon the fubjeiSl. 
 
 I could not give the reader this ftroke in 
 my uncle Ichf^ pitSlure, by the inftrument 
 w^ith which I drew the other parts of it, — 
 that takin^innomorethan the mere Hobdy- 
 
 O 
 
 HoRsiCAL likenefs : this is a part of his 
 
 moral charadler. My father, in this patient 
 endurance of wrongs, which I mention, 
 was very diiierent, as the reader muft long 
 ago have noted ; he had a much more acute 
 and quick fenfibility of nature, attended with 
 a little forenefs of temper ; tho' this never 
 tranfported him to any thing which looked 
 like malignancy: — yet in the little rubs 
 and vexations of life, 'twas apt to (hew it- 
 felf in a droUifii and witty kind of peevifh- 
 nefs : He was, however, frank and gene- 
 rous in his nature ; at all times open to 
 
 conviction j and in the little ebullitions of 
 
 this
 
 ( 13 ) 
 
 this fubacid humour towards others, but 
 particularly to\^ards my uncle To'y^ whom 
 
 he truly loved : he would feel iTAorepain, 
 
 ten times told (except in the affair of my 
 aunt Dinah, or where an hypothefis was 
 concerned) than what he ever gave. 
 
 The characlers of the two brothers, in 
 this view of them, reflected light upon each 
 other, and appeared with great advantage ia 
 this affair which arofe about Stevinus. 
 
 I need not tell the reader, If he keeps a 
 
 HoBBY-HoRSE, that a man's Hobby- 
 
 HoRSE is as tender a part as he has about 
 him J and that thefc unprovoked ftrokes at 
 my uncle Tobys could not be unfelt by him. 
 
 No: -as 1 faid above, my uncle 
 
 Toby did feci them, and very fcnfibly too. 
 
 Pray,
 
 ( H ) 
 
 Pray, Sir, what faid he ? — How did he 
 behave ? — O, Sir ! — it was great : For as 
 foon as my father had done infulting his 
 
 HoBBY-HoRSE, he turned his head 
 
 without the leaft emotion, from Dr. Slop, 
 to whom he was addrefling his difcourfe, 
 and looking up into my father's face, with 
 a countenance fpread over with fo much 
 
 good-nature ;— fo placid ; fo fraternal j 
 
 — — fo inexpreflibly tender towards him : — 
 it penetrated my father to his heart : He rofe 
 up haftily from his chair, and feizing hold 
 of both my uncle Tobys hands as he fpoke : 
 — Brother Toby^ faid he, — I beg thy par- 
 don y forgive, I pray thee, this rafh hu- 
 mour which my mother gave me. My 
 
 dear, dear brother, anfwer'd my uncle Toby^ 
 rifmg up by my father's help, hy no more 
 about it ;— you are heartily welcome, had 
 it been ten times as much, brother. Bu' 
 'tis ungenerous, replied my father, to hurt 
 
 any
 
 ( 15 ) 
 
 any man ; a brother worfe j but t« 
 
 hurt a brother of fuch gentle manners,— fo 
 
 unprovoking, — and fo unrefenting ^ .'tis 
 
 bafe : By Heaven, 'tis cowardly.— YoU 
 
 are heartily welcome, brother, quoth my 
 
 uncle Tohy^ ^had it been fifty times as 
 
 much. Bcfides, what have I to do, my 
 
 dear Toby^ cried my father, either with your 
 amufcments or your pleafures, unlefs it was 
 in my power (which it is not) to increafe 
 their meafure ? 
 
 Brother Shandy ^ anfwer'd my uncle 
 
 Toby, looking wiftfully in his face, yoii 
 
 are much miftaken in this point;— for you 
 do increafe my pleafure very much, in be- 
 getting children for the Shandy family at 
 your time of life.— But, by that. Sir, quoth 
 Dr. Slopy Mr. Shandy increafes his own.— 
 Not a jot, quoth my father. 
 
 C IT A P.
 
 ( i6 ) 
 
 CHAP. II. 
 
 'Y brother does it, quoth my uncle 
 Toby., out of p7-hictple. In a fa- 
 mily v/ay, I fuppofe, quoth Dr. Slop. ■ 
 Plhaw ! — faid my father, — 'tis not worth 
 
 talking of. 
 
 CHAP. III. 
 
 T the end of the laft chapter, my fa- 
 ther and my uncle Toby were left both 
 Handing, like Brutus and Cajftus at the clofe 
 of the fcene, making up their accounts. 
 
 As my father fpoke the three laft words, 
 
 >■; he fat down; — my uncle Toby exa6lly 
 
 followed his example, only, that before he 
 took his chair, he rung the bell, to order 
 Corporal Trlniy who was in waiting, to ftep 
 
 homa
 
 ( 17 ) 
 
 home for Stevlnus : — my uncle 'toby's houfe 
 being no farther off than the oppofite fide of 
 the way. 
 
 Some men would have dropped the fubje(2: 
 
 of Stevinus ; but my uncle Toby had no 
 
 rcfentment in his heart, and he went on 
 with the fubjed, to fhew my father that he 
 had none. 
 
 Your fudden appearance, Dr. S/op^ quoth 
 my uncle, rcfuming the difcourfe, inftantly 
 brought Stevinus into my head. (My father, 
 you may be fure, did not offer to lay any 
 
 more wagers upon Stevinus's head.) Be- 
 
 caufe, continued my uncle Toby^ the cele- 
 brated failing chariot, which belonged to 
 Prince Maurice, and was of fuch wonderful 
 contrivance and velocity, as to carry half a 
 dozen people thirty German miles, in I don't 
 •know how iQyf minutes, was invented 
 
 Vol. II. B by
 
 ( 18 ) 
 
 by Sievintis, that great mathematician .and 
 
 engineer. 
 
 You might have (pared your fervant the 
 trouble, quoth Dr. Slop (as the fellow is 
 lame) of going for Stevinus's account of it> 
 becaufe in my return from Leyden thro' the 
 Magiie^ I walked as far as SchevUng^ which is 
 two long miles, on purpofe to take a view 
 of it. 
 
 — That's nothing, replied my uncle Toby, 
 to what the learned Peirejkius did, who walk- 
 ed a matter of five hundred miles, reckoning 
 from Paris to SchevUng^ and from Schevllng 
 to Paris back again^ iii order to fee it, — and 
 nothing elfe. 
 
 Some men cannot bear to be out-gone. 
 
 The more foo! Tcirefkius^ replied Dr. 
 ^,hp. But mark, 'twas out of no contempt 
 
 of
 
 ( 19 ) 
 
 of Pelrejkiiis at all ;• but that Petrejklui's 
 
 indefatigable labour in trudging fo far on 
 foot, out of love for the fciences, reduced 
 the exploit of Dr. Slopy in that aftair, to 
 nothing ; — the more fool Peirejkius, faid he 
 again. — Why fo? — replied my father, tak- 
 ing his brother's part, not only to make re- 
 paration as fall: as he could for the infult he 
 had given him, which fat flill upon my fa- 
 ther's mind ; but partly, that my father 
 
 began really to intereft hinifelf in the dif- 
 
 courfe.-- ! — Why fo ? faid he. Why is 
 
 Peirejk'ius., or any man elfe, to be abufed for 
 an appetite for that, or any other morfel of 
 found knowledge : For notwithftanding I 
 know nothing of the chariot in queftiou, 
 continued he, the inventor of it muft have 
 had a very mechanical head ; and tho' I 
 cannot guefs upon what principles of philo- 
 fophy he has atchievcd it; — yet certainly 
 his machine has been condruifbed upon folid 
 13 2 ones,
 
 ( 20 ) 
 
 ones, be they what they will, or it could 
 not have anfwered at the rate my brother 
 mentions. 
 
 It anfwered, replied my uncle Toby^ as 
 well, if not better j for, as Peirejklus ele- 
 gantly exprefles it, fpeaking of the velocity 
 of its motion, Tarn citus erat, quam erat ven- 
 ius ; which, unlefs I have forgot my Latin, 
 is, that it was as fw'ift as the wind itfelf. 
 
 But pray, Dr. Slop^ quoth my father, in- 
 terrupting my uncle (tho' not without beg- 
 ging pardon for it, at the fame time) upon 
 what principles was this felf- fame chariot fet 
 a-going? — Upon very pretty principles to 
 be fure, replied Dr. Slop .-—And I have of- 
 ten wondered, continued he, evading the 
 queftion, why none of our gentry, who live 
 upon large plains like this of ours, — (efpeci- 
 ally they whofe wives are not paft child-bear- 
 ing)
 
 ' ( 21 ) 
 
 ing) attempt nothing of this kind ; for it would 
 not only be infinitely expeditious upon fud- 
 den calls, to which the fex is fubjedl, — if 
 the wind only ferved, — but would be excel- 
 lent good hufbandry to make ufe of the 
 winds, which coft nothing, and which ea^ 
 nothing, rather than horfes, which (the devil 
 take 'em) both coft and eat a great deal. 
 
 For that very reafon, replied my father, 
 *' Becaufe they coft nothing, and becaufe 
 " they eat nothing," — the fcheme is bad; 
 — it is the confumption of our products, as 
 well as the manufactures of them, which 
 gives bread to the hungry, circulates trade, 
 — brings in money, and fupports the value 
 of our lands; — and tho', I own, if I was 
 a Prince, I would gencroufly recompcnfe the 
 fcientifichead which brought forth fuch con- 
 trivances; — yet I would as peremptorily fup- 
 prcfs the ufe of them. 
 
 B 3 My
 
 ( 22 ) 
 
 My father here had got into his element, 
 
 -and was going on as profperoufly witK 
 
 his differtation upon trade, as my uncle Toby 
 had before, upon his of fortification j — but, 
 to the lofs of much found knowledge, the 
 deftinies In the morning had decreed that no 
 differtation of any kind fhould be fpun by 
 
 my father that day, for as he opened his 
 
 mouth to begin the next fentence, 
 
 C H A P. IV. 
 
 N popped Corporal Trim wjth Stevinus : 
 — But 'twas too late, — all the difcourfe 
 had been exhaufted without him, and was 
 running into a new chann;el. 
 
 — You 'may take the book home again, 
 TriiyJi faW my uncle Toby-, nodding to him. 
 
 Eut
 
 { 23 } 
 
 But prithee, Corporal, quoth my father, 
 ^'rolling, — look £rft into it, and fee if thou 
 can'ft fpy aught of a failing chariot in it. 
 
 Corporal Trim, by being in the fervice, 
 had learned to obey, — and not to remon- 
 ftrate ; — fo taking the book to a fide-table, 
 and running over the leaves ; An' pleafe 
 your Honour, faid Trim, I can fee no fuch 
 thing; — hov/ever, continued the Corporal, 
 drolling a little in his turn, I'll make fure 
 work of it, an' pleafe your Honour ; — fo tak- 
 ing hold of the two covers of the book, one 
 in each hand, and letting the leaves fall 
 <lown, as he bent the covers back, he gave 
 •the book a good found Ihake. 
 
 There is fomething falling out, however, 
 faid Trim, an' pleafe your Honour; — but it 
 is not a chariot, or any thing like one : — ■ 
 Prithee, Corporal, faid my father, fmiling; 
 
 B 4 whrt
 
 C 24 ) 
 what is it then ? — I think, anfwercd 7V/;«, 
 
 ftooping to take it up, 'tis more like a 
 
 fermon, — for it begins with a text of 
 
 fcripture, and the chapter and verfe; — and 
 then goes on, not as a chariot, but like a 
 fermon diredly. 
 
 The company fmiled. 
 
 I cannot conceive how it is poilible, quoth 
 my uncle Toby, for fuch a thing as a fermon 
 to have got into my Stevlnus. 
 
 I think 'tis a fermon, replied Trim ; — but 
 if it pleafe your Honours, as it is a fair hand, 
 I will read you a page; — for Tr/Vn, you muft 
 know, loved to hear himfelf read almoft as 
 well as talk. 
 
 I have ^ever a flrong propenfity, faid my 
 father, to look into things which crofs my 
 
 way.
 
 C 25 ) 
 
 way, by fuch ftrange fatalities as thefe ;— 
 and as we have nothino- better to do, atleaft 
 till Obadiah gets back, I fhall be obliged 
 to you, broiher, if Dr. ^'/^^ has no objec-" 
 tion to it, to order the Corporal to give us a 
 page or two of it, — if he is as able to do it, 
 as he feems willing. An' pleafe your Ho- 
 nour, quoth 7r/;«, I officiated two whole 
 campaigns, in Flmzders^ as clerk to the 
 
 chaplain of the regiment. He can read 
 
 it, quoth my uncle Toby^ as well as I can. 
 " ■ — Trim, I afTure you, was the bcft fcho- 
 lar in my company, and fliould have had 
 the next halberd, biit for the poor fellov/s 
 misfortune. Corporal Trim laid his hand 
 upon his heart, and made an humble bow to 
 his mafter ; — then laying down his hat upon 
 the floor, and taking up the fermon in his 
 left hand, in order to have his right at li- 
 berty, he advanced, nothing doubting, 
 
 into the middle of the room, where he 
 
 could
 
 { 26 ) 
 
 could beft fee, and be beft feen by his au- 
 dience. 
 
 CHAP. V. 
 
 —If you have any objection, — faid my 
 father, addreffing himfelf to Dr. Slop. Not 
 in the leaft, replied Dr. Slop -^ — for it does 
 not appear on v^hich fide of the queflion it 
 
 is wrote ; it may be a compofition of a 
 
 divine of our church, as well as yours, — fo 
 
 that we run equal rifques. 'Tis wrote 
 
 upon neither fide, quoth Trhn^ for 'tis only 
 upon Confclence, an' pleafe your Honours. 
 
 Trlni's reafon put his audience into good 
 humour, — all but Dr. Slop^ who turning his 
 head about towards Trim, looked a little 
 angr)'. 
 
 Begin,
 
 ( 27 ) 
 
 Begin, Tr/w, — and read diftlnclly, quoth 
 my father. — I will, an' pleafc your Honour, 
 replied the Corporal, making a bow, and 
 befpeaking attention with a flight move- 
 ment of his right hand. 
 
 CHAP. VI. 
 
 But before the Corporal begins, I 
 muft firft give you a defcription of his atti- 
 tude J otherwife he will naturally ftand 
 
 reprefented, by your imagination, in an 
 uneafy pofture, — ftiff, — perpendicular, — di- 
 viding the weight of his body equally upon 
 
 both legs ; his eye fixed, as if on duty ; 
 
 — his look determined, — clenching the fer- 
 
 mon in his left hand, like his firelock. • 
 
 In a word, you would be apt to paint Tritn, 
 as if he was {landing in his platoon ready 
 for action. — His attitude was as unlike all 
 this as you can conceive. 
 
 He
 
 C 28 ) 
 
 He ftood before them with his body fwayed, 
 and bent forwards juft fo far, as to make 
 an angle of 85 degrees and a half upon the 
 plain of the horizon ; — which found ora- 
 tors, to whom I addrefs this, know very 
 well, to be the true perfuafive angle of in- 
 cidence ;~in any other angle you may talk 
 and preach ; — 'tis certain ; — and it is done 
 every day ; — but with what cffed-, — I leave 
 the world to judge ! 
 
 The neceflity of this precife angle of 85 
 degrees and a half to a mathematical exadl- 
 
 nefs, does it not Ihew us, by the way, 
 
 how the arts and fciences mutually befriend 
 each other ? 
 
 How the duce Corporal 7r///z, who knew 
 not fo much as an acute angle from an obtufe 
 
 one, came to hit it fo exadly ;• or whe- 
 
 th<er it was chance or nature, or good fenfe 
 
 or
 
 ( 29 ) 
 
 or imitation, ^c. (hall be commenteJ upon 
 in that pare of the cyclopsedia of arts and 
 fciences, wh!:re ths inflrumental parts of 
 the eloquence of the fenate, the pulpit, and 
 the bar, the cofFee-houfe, the bed-chamber, 
 and fire-fide, fall under confideration. 
 
 He flood, -for I repeat it, to take the 
 
 piiSlure of him in at one view, with his body 
 fwayed, and fomewhat bent forwards, — his 
 right-leg from under him, fuftaining fcven- 
 
 eighths of his whole weight, the foot 
 
 of his left-leg, the defecSl: of which was no 
 disadvantage to his attitude, advanced a lit- 
 tle, — not laterally, nor forwards, but in a 
 line betwixt them j — his knee bent, but that 
 not violently, — but fo as to fall within the 
 limits of the line of beauty ; — and I add, of 
 the line of fcience too ; — for confidcr, it had 
 one eighth part of his body to bear up ; — fo 
 that in this cafe the pofition of the leg is dc- 
 3 tcrmincd.
 
 ( 30 ) 
 
 termined, — becaufe the foot could be no far- 
 ther advanced, or the knee more bent, than 
 what would allow him, mechanically, to 
 receive an eighth part of his v.'hole' weight 
 under it, and to carry it too. 
 
 8^ This I recommend to painters : — need 
 I add, — to orators I—I think not ; for unlefs 
 
 they pratStife it, they muH: fall upon 
 
 their nofes. 
 
 So much for Corporal Trim's body and 
 
 legs He held the fermon loofely, not 
 
 carelefsly, in his left hand, raifed fomething 
 above his flomach, and detached a little 
 
 from his brcall : his ri^ht-arm falling 
 
 negligently by his fide, as nature and the 
 
 laws of gravity ordered it, but with the 
 
 palm of it open and turned toward his au- 
 dience, ready to aid the fentiment in cafe it 
 flood in need. 
 
 2 Ccporal
 
 C 31 ) 
 
 Corporal Tritn's eyes and the mufcles of 
 his face were in full harmony with the other 
 parts of him ; — he looked frank, — uncon- 
 ftrainedj-^fomething afTured, — but not bor- 
 dering upon affurance. 
 
 r 
 
 Let not the critic afk how Corporal Trim 
 
 could come by all this. I've told him it 
 
 fliould be explained ; — but fo he flood before 
 my father, my uncle Toby, and Dr. Slop, — 
 fo fwayed his body, fo contrafted his limbs, 
 and with fuch an oratorical fwcep through- 
 out the whole figure, a ftatuary might 
 
 have modelled from it; nay, I doubt 
 
 whether the oldeft Fellow of a College, — 
 cr the Hebrew Profeflbr himfcif could have 
 much mended it. 
 
 Tri7Ti made a bov/, and read as follows : 
 
 The
 
 ( 32 } 
 
 The S E R M O N. 
 
 Hebrews xxii. 8. 
 — — For we truft we have a good 
 
 " r|^Ruft ! Truft we have a good 
 
 Confclence. 
 
 T 
 
 -*^ confcience !" 
 
 [Certainly, Tj-'im, quoth my father, in- 
 terrupting him, you give that fentence a 
 very improper accent j for you curl up 
 your nofc, man, and read it with fuch a 
 fneering tone, as if the Parfon was going to 
 abufe the Apoftle. 
 
 He is, an' pleafe your Honour, replied 
 Trim, Pugh I faid my father, fmiling. 
 
 Sir,
 
 T 33 J 
 
 Sir, quoth Dr. Slop, Trim is certainly in 
 the right ; for the writer (who I perceive is 
 a Proteftant) by the fnappifh manner in 
 which he takes up the Apoftle, is certainly 
 going to abufe him; — if this treatment of 
 him has not done it already. But fromi 
 whence, replied my father, have you con- 
 cluded fo foon. Dr. Slop, that the writer is 
 of our church ? — for aught I can fee yet,— 
 he may be of any church. — — Becaufe, an- 
 fwered Dr. Slop, if he was of ours, — he durft 
 no more take fuch a licence, — than a bear by 
 his beard : — If, in our communion, Sir, a 
 
 man was to infult an Apoftle, a faint,— 
 
 or even the paring of a faint's nail, — he 
 would have his eyes fcratched out. — What, 
 by the faint, quoth my uncle Toby. No, re- 
 plied Dr. S/opy he would have an old houfe 
 over his head. Pray is the inquifition an 
 ancient building, anfwercd ray uncle Tohy, 
 or is it a modern one? — I know nothing of 
 
 Vol. IJ. C architeaure.
 
 f 34 J 
 
 archlte£lure, replied Dr. Slep. — An' pleafe 
 your Honours, quoth Trim^ the Inquifition 
 
 is the vileft Pri thee fpare thy defcription, 
 
 Trimj I hate the very name of it, faid my 
 father — No matter for that, anfwered Dr. 
 Slop, — it has its ufes ; for tho' I'm no great 
 advocate for it, yet, in fuch a cafe as this, he 
 would foon be taught better manners ; and 
 I can tell him, if he went on at that rate, 
 would be flung into the Inquifition for his 
 pains. God help him then, quoth my uncle 
 Teby. Amen, added Trim; for Heaven above 
 knows, I have a poor brother who has been 
 fourteen years a captive in it. — I never heard 
 one word of it before, faid my uncle Toby, 
 haftily : How came he there, TrimF- ■ « 
 O, Sir! theftory will make your heart bleed, 
 —as it has made mine a thoufand times ;— 
 but it is too long to be told now ; — your Ho- 
 nour fhall hear it from firft to laft fome day 
 when I am working befide you in our fortifi- 
 cations J —
 
 ( 35 ) 
 
 cations ; — but the fliort of the ftory is this; 
 —That my brother Tom went over a fervant 
 to Lijbon^ — and then married a Jew's widow, 
 who kept a fmall fliop, and fold faufages, 
 which fomehow or other, was the caufe of 
 his being taken in the middle of the night 
 out of his bed, where he was lying with his 
 wife and two fmall children, and carried di- 
 redtly to the inquifition, where, God help 
 him, continued Trim, fetching a figh from 
 the bottom of his heart, — the poor honeft lad 
 lies confined at this hour j he was as honeft 
 a foul, added Trimy (pulling out his hand- 
 kerchief) as ever blood warmed.- 
 
 —The tears trickled down Trim's cheeks 
 fafter than he could well wipe them away.— ^ 
 A dead filencc in the room enfued for fomc 
 minutes. — Certain proof of pity ! 
 
 Come, Trim, quoth my father, after h? 
 faw the poor fellow's grief had got a little 
 
 C 2 vent,—
 
 X 36 ) 
 
 vent, — read on, — and put this melancholy 
 ftory out of thy head : — I grieve that I in- 
 terrupted thee ; but prithee begin the fermon 
 ao-ain ; — for if the firft fentence in it is mat- 
 ter of abufe, as thou fayeft, I have a great 
 defire to know what kind of provocation the 
 apoftle has given. 
 
 Corporal Tj^ifrt wiped hi& face, and returned 
 his handkerchief into his pocket, and, mak- 
 ing a bow as he did it, — he began again.] 
 
 The SERMON. 
 
 Hebrews xiii. i8. 
 
 .. ■■- i^or tve trufl iue have a good Confaence. — • 
 
 tcrr^RUST! trufl we have a good con- 
 *' -S. fcience! Surely if there is any thing 
 " in this life which a man may depend upon, 
 " and to the knowledge of which he is ca- 
 " pable of arriving upon the moll indifputa- 
 3 " bl8
 
 ( 37 ) 
 «« ble evidence, it muft be this very thing,— 
 «' vvhether he has a good confcience or no." 
 
 [I am pofitive I am right, quoth Dr, 
 Slop.] 
 
 " If a man thinks at all, he cannot well 
 *' be a ftranger to the true ftate of this ac- 
 
 *' count i he muft be privy to his own 
 
 " thoujrhts and defires ; — he muft remember 
 " his paft purfuits, and know certainly the 
 " true fprings and motives, which, in gcne- 
 " ral, have governed the adions of his life." 
 
 [I defy him, without an afliftant, quoth 
 Dr. Slop.] 
 
 (C 
 
 it 
 
 In other matters wc may be deceived 
 by falfe appearances ; and, as the wife 
 ' man complains, hardly do we guefs angkt 
 at the things that are upon the earthy and 
 C 3 " with
 
 ( 38 ) 
 
 •* with labour do we find the things that art^ 
 *' before us. But here the mind has all the 
 
 *' evidence and facfls within herfelf ; is 
 
 *' confcious of the web Ihe has wove ;— — 
 *' knows its texture and finenefs, and the 
 ** cxad Ihare which every pafiion has had in 
 ** working upon the feveral defigns which 
 *' virtue or vice has planned before her." 
 
 [The language is good, and I declare T?';V/ 
 reads very well, quoth my father.] 
 
 *' Now, — as confcience is nothing elfe but 
 *' the knowledge which the mind has with- 
 ** in herfelf of this j and the judgment, ei- 
 *' ther of approbation or cenfure, which it 
 ** unavoidably makes upon the fucceffive ac- 
 *' tionsof our lives ; 'tis plain you will fay, 
 ** from the very terms of the proportion, — 
 ** whenever this inward teftimony goes 
 ** againft a man, and he flands fdf-accufed, 
 
 « ^that
 
 ( 39 ) 
 
 ** —that he mufl: neceiTarily be a guilty man. 
 ** — And, on the contrary, when the report 
 ** is favourable on his fide, and hi"- heart 
 *' condemns him not: — that it is not a mat- 
 ** ter of truj?, as the Apoftle intimates, but 
 ■" a matter of certainty and fa6t, that the 
 ** confcience is good, and that the man muft 
 " be good alfo." 
 
 [Then the Apoftle is altogether in the 
 wrong, I fuppofe, quoth Dr. Slop, and the 
 Proteftant divine is in the right. Sir, have 
 patience, replied my father, for I think it 
 will prefently appear that St. Paul and the 
 Proteftant divine are both of an opinion. — 
 As nearly fo, quoth Dr. Skp, as eaft is to 
 weft ; — but this, continued he, lifting both 
 hands, comes from the liberty of the prcfs. 
 
 It is no more, at the worft, replied my 
 uncle Tobyj than the liberty of the pulpit ; 
 
 C 4 for
 
 C 40 )• 
 
 for it does not appear that the fermon il 
 printed, or ever likely to be. 
 
 Go on, Trim^ quoth my father.} 
 
 *' At firfl: fight this may feem to be a true 
 *' ftate of the cafej and I make no doubt but 
 *' the knowledge of right and wrong is fo 
 ** truly imprelTed upon the mind of man,— 
 " that did no fuch thing ever happen, as that 
 ** the confcience of a man, by long habits of 
 *' fm, might (as the fcripture aflures it may) 
 *' infenfibly become hard j — and, like fome 
 *' tender parts of his body, by much ftrefs 
 ** and continual hard ufage, lofe by degrees 
 *' that nice fenfe and perception with which 
 *' God and nature endowed it : — Did this 
 *' never happen ; — or was it certain that felf- 
 *' love could never hang the leaft bias upon 
 ** the judgment j — or that the little intcrefts 
 " below could rife up and perplex thefacul- 
 
 *' tics
 
 ( 41 ) 
 
 ties of our upper regions, and encompafs 
 them about with clouds and thick dark- 
 
 nefs : Could no fuch thing as favour 
 
 and affection enter this facred Cour.t :— 
 Did Wit difdain to take a bribe in it ;— 
 or was afliamed to fhew its face as an ad- 
 vocate for an unwarrantable enjoyment :, 
 Or, laftly, were we affured that Inte- 
 rest flood always unconcerned whilft the 
 caufe was hearing, — and that Paflion ne- 
 ver got into the judgment-feat, and pro- 
 nounced fentence in the ftead of Reafon, 
 v.'hich is fuppofed always to prefidc and 
 determine upon the cafe :— Was this truly 
 fo, as the objc(Stion muft fuppofe j — no 
 doubt then the religious and moral flate 
 of a man would be exadtly what he himfelf 
 efteemcd it ; — and the guilt or innocence 
 of every man's life could be known, in 
 general, by no better meafure, than the de- 
 grees of his own approbation and cenfure. 
 
 " I own>
 
 ( 4i ) 
 
 " I own. In one cafe, whenever a man's 
 *' confcicnce does accufe him (as it feldom 
 ** errs on that fide) that he is guilty ; and 
 " unlefs in melancholy and hypocondriac 
 " cafes, we may fafely pronounce upon it, 
 " that there is always fufficient grounds for 
 " the accufation. 
 
 *' But the converfe of the propofition will 
 " not hold true; — namely, that whenever 
 " there is guilt, the confcience muft ac- 
 ** cufe ; and if it does not, that a man is 
 
 ** therefore innocent. This is not fail 
 
 ** — — — So that the common confolation 
 ** which fome good chriftian or other is ' 
 *' hourly adminiftering to himfelf, — that.he 
 ** thanks God his mind does not mifgive 
 " him ; and that, confequently, he has a 
 ** good confcience, becaufe he hath a quiet 
 ** one, — is fallacious ; — and as current as 
 ** the inference is, and as infallible as the 
 
 « rule
 
 ( 43 ) 
 
 * rule appears at firft fight, yet when you 
 ' look nearer to it, and try the truth of 
 
 * this rule upon plain fadls, you fee it 
 
 ' liable to fo much error fromafalfe appli- 
 
 * cation; — — the principle upon which it 
 
 ' goes fo often perverted ; the whole 
 
 ' force of it loft, and fometimes fo vilely 
 
 « cafl: away, that it is painful to produce 
 
 « the common examples from human life, 
 
 * which confirm the account. 
 
 *' A man (hall be vicious and utterly de- 
 ' bauchcd in his principles; — exception- 
 
 * able in his conduct to the v^'orld ; (hall 
 ' live (hamelefs, in the open commiflion of 
 
 * a fm which no rcafon or pretence can 
 ' juftify, a fin by which, contrary to 
 
 * all the workings of humanity, he fhall 
 ' ruin for ever the deluded partner of his 
 ' guilt ; — rob her of her beft dowry; and 
 ' not only cover her own head with dil- 
 
 " honour;
 
 ( 44 ) 
 " honour J — but involve a whole virtuous' 
 " family in fhame and forrowr for her fake. 
 " Surely, you vi'ill think confcience muft 
 " lead fuch a man a troublefome life ; — he 
 " can have no reft night or day from its re- 
 " preaches. 
 
 " Alas ! Conscience had fomethingelfe 
 *' to do all this time, than break in upon 
 " him ; as Elijah reproached the god Baal^ 
 
 «* this domeftic god was either talking^ 
 
 ". er purfu'ingj or was in a journey^ or per ad' 
 " venture he Jlept and could not be awoke, 
 
 " Perhaps He was gone out in company 
 " with Honour to fight a duel ; to pay off 
 
 " fome debt at play ; or dirty annuity, 
 
 " the bargain of his luft; Perhaps Con- 
 " science all this time was engaged at 
 " home, talking aloud againft petty lar- 
 *' ceny, and executing vengeance upon fome 
 " fuch puny crimes as his fortune and rank 
 
 " of
 
 ( 45 ) 
 ** of life fecured him againfl: all temptation 
 ** of committing ; fo that he lives as mer- 
 
 *' rily" [If he was of our church, tho% 
 
 quoth Dr. Slop, he could not]—" fleeps 
 *' as foundly in his bed ; — and at laft meets 
 *' death as unconcernedly ; — perhaps much 
 •' more fo, than a much better man." 
 
 [All this is impofiible with us, quoth 
 Dr. Slop, turning to my father, — the cafe 
 could not happen iu our church. — It hap- 
 pens in ours, however, replied my father, 
 
 but too often. 1 own, quoth Dr. Slcpy 
 
 (ftruck a little with my father's frank ac- 
 knowledgment) — that a man in the Rcmljh 
 church may live as badly ; — but then he can- 
 not eafily die fo. Tis little matter, re- 
 plied my father, with an air of indifference, 
 —how a rafcal dies. — I mean, anfwcred Dr. 
 Slop, he would be denied the benefits of the 
 laft facraments.-T-Pray how many have you 
 
 la
 
 ( 46 ) 
 in all, fald my uncle Ti^^y,— — for I alway» 
 
 forget ? Seven, anfwered Dr. Slop. • 
 
 Humph! — faid my uncle Toby^ — the' not 
 accented as a note of acquiefcence, — but 
 as an interjedlion of that particular fpecies 
 of furprife, when a man in looking into a 
 drawer, finds more of a thing than he ex- 
 pelled. — Humph ! replied my uncle Toby, 
 Dr. Slop, who had an ear, underftood my 
 uncle Toby as well as if he had wrote a 
 whole volume againft the feven facraments. 
 
 ■ Humph ! replied Dr. Sbp, (ftating 
 my unclcToby's argument over again to him) 
 •——Why, Sir, are there not feven car- 
 dinal virtues ? — Seven mortal fins ? — -Se- 
 ven golden candlefticks ? — Seven heavens ? 
 — -'Tis more than I know, replied my uncle 
 
 Toby. Are there not feven wonders of 
 
 the world ? — Seven days of the creation ? 
 
 Seven planets ? Seven plagues ?— • 
 
 That there are, quoth my father with a 
 
 moft
 
 ( 47 ) 
 
 jnoft affe£led gravity. But prithee, conti- 
 nued he, go on with the reft of chy charac- 
 ters. Trim.] 
 
 " Another is fordid, unmerciful," (here 
 Trim waved his right-hand) " a ftrait- 
 *' hearted, felfifii wretch, incapable either of 
 " private friendfhip or public fpirit. Take 
 *' notice how he pafies by the widow and 
 *' orphan in their diftrefs, and (ees all the 
 " miferies incident to human life without a 
 " figh or a pra/er." [An' pleafe your ho- 
 nours, cried Trim, I think this a viler man 
 than the other.] 
 
 *' Shall not confcience rife up and fling 
 
 ' him on fuch occafions ? No; thank 
 
 ' God there is no occafion, I pay every man 
 ' his own ; — I have no fornication to anfwer 
 * to my confcience \ — nofaithiefs vows or pro- 
 ' mifes to make up ; — — / have debauched no 
 2 " mans
 
 ( 4» ) 
 
 ^* mari s vj'ife or clnld \ thank God, lam not 
 " as other men, adulterers, unjuji, or even aS 
 " this libertine, ivhojiands before me. 
 
 *' A third is crafty and defigning in his 
 nature. View his whole life ; — 'tis no- 
 thing but a cunnino; contexture of dark 
 arts and unequitable fubterfuges, bafely 
 to defeat the true intent of all lav/s,— — 
 plain dealing and the fafe enjoyment of 
 our feveral properties.— —You will fee 
 fuch a one working out a frame of little 
 defigns upon the ignorance and perplexi- 
 ties of the poor and needy man; — fhall 
 raife a fortune upon the inexperience of 
 a youth, or the unfufpe<Sting temper of 
 his friend, who would have trufled him 
 with his life. 
 
 *' When old age comes on, and repen- 
 ** tance calls him to look back upon this 
 
 black
 
 ( 49 ) 
 
 ** black account, and flate it over ag?.in 
 *' v/ith his confcience. — Conscience looks 
 *' into the Statutes at Large ; — finds 
 *' no exprefs law broken by what he has 
 " done; — psrceives no penalty or forfeiture 
 ** of goods and chattels incurred; — fees no 
 " fcourge waving over his head, or prifon 
 *' opening his gates upon him : — What is 
 ** there to affright his confcience ? — Con- 
 ** fcience has got fafely entrenched behind 
 ** the Letter of the Law ; fits there invul- 
 *' ncrable, fortified with CafCS and He* 
 " ports fo ftrongly on all fides ;— .that 
 *' it is not preaching can difpofiefs it of its 
 ** hold." 
 
 [Here Corporal Trim and my uncle Toby 
 exchanged looks with each other. — Aye, 
 aye, Trim ! quoth my uncle Toby^ fhaking 
 his head, thcfe are but forry fortifica- 
 tions, Tr/>/7.»— — O! very poor work, an- 
 
 VoL. II. D fwered
 
 ( 50 > 
 
 fwered Tr'im^ to what your Honour and 1 
 
 make of it. The charadler of this laft 
 
 man, faid Dr. Slop^ interrupting Trim, is 
 
 more deteftable than all the reft ; and 
 
 feems to have been taken from fome petti- 
 fogging Lawyer amongft you : — Amongft 
 us, a man's confcience could not poflibly 
 
 continue fo long blinded, three times in 
 
 a year, at leaft, he muft go to confeflion. 
 Will that reftore it to fight, quoth my un- 
 cle Toby f Go on, Trim, quoth my fa- 
 ther, or Obadiah will have got back before 
 thou haft got to the end of thy fermon.- ■ - 
 'Tis a very fhort one, replied Trim.- ■■ I 
 wifh it was longer, quoth my uncle Toby, 
 for I like it hugely. — Trim went on.] 
 
 ** A fourth man (hall want even this re- 
 " fuge ; — fhaJl break through all their cere- 
 " mony of flow chicaner — — fcorns the 
 " doubtful v/orkings of fecret plots and 
 
 ** cautious
 
 ( 51 ) 
 
 « cautious trains to bring about his purpofe: 
 
 " See the bare-faced villain, how he 
 
 *' cheats, lies, perjures, robs, murders ! — 
 " Horrid ! — But indeed much better v/as 
 *' not to be expeded, in the prefent cafe — 
 
 *' the poor man was in the dark ! ■ his 
 
 " prieft had got the keeping of his con- 
 ** fcience ; — -and all he would let him 
 <' know of it, was, That he muft believe in 
 *' the Pope;— go to Mafs ;— crofs himfelf i 
 
 « tell his beads ; be a good Ca- 
 
 " tholic, and that this, in all confcience, 
 *' was enough to carry him to heaven. 
 " What j~ifhe perjures!— Why,— he had 
 " a mental refervation in it. — But if he is 
 *' fo wicked and abandoned a wretch as you 
 *' reprefent him ; — if he robs, — if he ftabs, 
 *' will not confcience, on every fuch a<5l, 
 " receive a wound itfclf ? — Aye, — but the 
 
 *' man has carried it to confefiion ; the 
 
 *' wound digeils there, and will do well 
 D 2 *' enough.
 
 ( 52 ) 
 '^ enough, and in a fhort time be quite 
 *' healed up by abfolution. O Popery ! 
 
 " what haft thou to anfwer for ? when, 
 
 *' not content with the too many natural 
 " and fatal ways, thro' which the heart of 
 "Tnan is every day thus treacherous to itfelf 
 *' above all things j— thou haft wilfully fet 
 ** open the wide gate of deceit before the 
 ** face of this unwary traveller, too apt, 
 ** God knows, to go aftray of himfelf 3 and 
 '* confidently fpealc peace to himfelf, when 
 *' there is no peace. 
 
 '* Of this the common inftances which I 
 *' have drawn out of life, are too notorious 
 ** to require much evidence. If any man 
 ** doubts the reality of them, or thinks it 
 ** impoflible for a man to be fuch a bubble to 
 *' himfelf, — I muft refer him a moment to 
 " his own refledions, and will then venture 
 " to truft my appeal with his own heart. 
 
 "Let
 
 ( 53 ) 
 
 *' Let him confider in how diiFerent a de- 
 *' gree of deteftatton, numbers of vvicked 
 *« actions ftand there^ tho' equally bad and 
 *' vicious in their own natures j — he will 
 *' foon find, that fuch of them as ftrong in- 
 " clination and cuftora have prompted him 
 " to commit, are generally drelTed out and 
 " painted with all the falfe beauties which a. 
 " foft and a flattering hand can give them ; 
 '■' — and that the others, to which he feels 
 *' no propenfity, appear, at once, naked and 
 " deformed, furrounded with all the true 
 " circumftances of folly and dithonour. 
 
 *' When David furprized Saul fleeping in 
 *' the cave, and cut ofT the flcirt of his robe 
 " — v/e read his heart fmotc him for what 
 
 *' he had done : But in the matter of 
 
 *' Uriah, where a faithful and gallant fer- 
 
 *' vant, whom he ought to have loved and 
 
 ** honoured, fell to make way for his luft, 
 
 D ^J *' — where
 
 ( 54 ) 
 
 '^ — where confcience had fo much greater ■ 
 *' reafon to take the alarm, his heart fmote 
 '' him not. A whole year had almoft pafled. 
 *' from the firft commilTion of that crime, 
 " to the time Nathan was fent to reprove 
 *' him ; and we read not once of the leaft 
 *' forrow or compun^lion of heart which he 
 ** teftified, during all that time, for what 
 " he had done. 
 
 " Thus confcience, this once able moni- 
 
 " tor, placed on high as a judge within- 
 
 " us, and intended by our Maker as a juft 
 *' and equitable one too, — by an unhappy 
 ** train of caufes and impediments, takes of- 
 *' ten fuch imperfeil cognizance of what 
 
 *' pafTes, does its oiBce fo negligently, 
 
 " fometimes fo corruptly, — that it is 
 
 *' not to be trufted alone ^ and therefore we 
 '* find there is a neceflity, an abfolute necef- 
 ** fity, of joining another principle with 
 
 " it.
 
 ( 55 ) 
 
 **ir, to aid, If not govern. Its dctermina- 
 
 " tlons. 
 
 (( 
 
 So that if you would form a juft judg- 
 «« ment of what is of infinite importance to 
 " you not to be mifled in,— namely, in what 
 "degree of real merit you ftand either as an 
 ^' honeft man, an ufeful citizen, a faithful 
 " fubje6l to your king, or a good fervant to 
 
 *' your God, call in religion and mora- 
 
 ci litv. Look, What is written in the law 
 
 " of God ? How readeft thou ? — Con- 
 
 " fult calm reafon and the unchangeable 
 
 *' obligations of juftice and truth j what 
 
 '* fay they ? 
 
 " Let Conscience determine the matter 
 
 *^ upon thefe reports; and then if thy 
 
 *' heart condemns thee not, which is the cafe 
 
 " the apoftle fuppofes, the rule will be 
 
 •' infallible j"— [Here Dr. Slop fellafleep]— 
 D 4 " i^»
 
 ( 56 > 
 
 '* thou wilt have confidence tcwardsGod',"-—^ 
 *' that is, havejuft grounds to believe the 
 *' judgment thou haft paft upon thyfelf, is 
 *< the judgment of God; and nothing elfe 
 " but an anticipation of that righteous fen- 
 " tence which will be pronounced upon thee 
 " hereafter by that Being, to whom thou art 
 " finally to give an account of thy ailionsk 
 
 « 
 
 Bleffed is the many indeed, then, as the 
 *^ author of the book oi Ecclefiajlicus expref- 
 '* fes it, who is not prided with the multitude 
 '* of his fins : Bhjfed is the man whofe heart 
 " hath mi cojidemited him \ whither he he rich, 
 *' or whether he he poor ^ if he have a good heart 
 " (a heart thus guided and informed) heJJoail 
 *^ at all times rejoice in a chearful countenance '^ 
 *' his miftdfijall tell him more than f even watch- 
 " men that fit above upon a tower on high.'' — 
 [A tower has no ftrength, quoth my uncle 
 Toby^ unlefs 'tis flank'd.] — " in the darkeft 
 
 *' doubts.
 
 ( 57 ) 
 
 "doubts it fhall condua him fafer than J, 
 '< tKoufand cafuifts, and give the ftate he 
 *" lives in, a better fecurity for his behaviour 
 « than all the caufes and reftrictionsputto- 
 " gether, virhich lav\r-makers are forced to 
 « multiply:— Fi?w^, as I fay, as things 
 « ftand ; human laws not being a matter of 
 " original choice, but of pure neceffity, 
 " brought in to fence againft the mifchievous 
 " efFeds of thofe confciences which are no 
 "law unto themfelvcs; well intending, by 
 " the many provifions made, — that in all 
 ** fuch corrupt and mifguided cafes, where 
 '- principles and the checks of confciencc 
 '■'' will not make us upright, — to fupply their 
 " force, and, by the terrors of gaols and 
 " halters, oblige us to it." 
 
 [I fee plainly, faid my father, that this 
 fermon has been compofed to be preached at 
 
 the Temple, or at fome Aflize. — I like 
 
 the
 
 i 58 ) 
 
 the reafoning, — and am forry that Dr. Slip 
 has fallen afleep before the time of his con- 
 viclion : — for it is now clear, that the Par- 
 fon, as I thought at firfl:, never infulted St. 
 Paul in the lead; — nor has there been, bro- 
 ther, theleaft difFerencebetween them.— — 
 A great matter, if they had differed, replied 
 my uncle Toby, — the beft friends in the v/orld 
 
 may differ fometimes. True, — brother 
 
 Toby^ quoth my father, fhaking hands with 
 him, — we'll fill our pipes, brother, and theiv 
 Trim fhall go on. 
 
 Well, what doft thou think of itr? 
 
 faid my father, fpeaking to Corporal Trim,. 
 as he reached his tobacco-box. 
 
 I think, anfwered the Corporal, that the 
 feven watch-men upon the tower, who, I 
 fuppofe, are all centinels there, — are more, 
 an' pleafe your Honour, than were necef- 
 
 faryj.
 
 ( 59 ) 
 
 fary ;— and, to go on at that rate, would 
 harrafs a regiment all to pieces, which a 
 commanding officer, who loves his men, 
 
 will never do, if he can help it, becaufe two 
 centinels, added the Corporal, are as good 
 as twenty. — I have been a commanding of- 
 ficer myfelf in the Corps de Garde a hundred 
 times, continued Trim^ rifing an inch higher 
 in his figure, as he fpoke, — and all the time 
 I had the honour to ferve his Majefty King- 
 William^ in relieving the moft confiderablc 
 ports, I never left more than two in my 
 
 life.^ Very right, Tr'im^ quoth my uncle 
 
 Toby^ — but you do not confider, Tr/w, that 
 the towers, in Solomons days, were not fuch - 
 things as our baftions, flanked and defend- 
 ed by other works j — this, Trim, was an in" 
 vention fincc Solomon^ death ; nor had they 
 horn-works, or ravelins before the curtin, 
 
 in his time ; or fuch a fofl'e as we make 
 
 with a cuvette in the middle of it, and with 
 
 covered
 
 ( 6o ) 
 
 covered ways and counterfcarps pallifadoed 
 along it, to guard againft a Coup de main : 
 — So that the feven men upon the tower 
 were a party, i dare fay, from the Corps de 
 Garde, fet there, not only to look out, but 
 to defend it, — They could be no more, an' 
 pleafe your Honour, than a Corporal's 
 Guard. — Aly father fmiled inwardly, — bu-t 
 not outwardly ; — the fubjedl being rather too 
 ierious, confidering what had happened, to 
 make a jcfl of. — So putting his pipe into 
 his mouth, which he had jufl lighted, — he 
 contented himfelf with orderinc Trim ta 
 read on. He read on as follows :J 
 
 " To have the fear of God before our 
 " eyes, and, in our mutual dealings with 
 " each other, to govern our actions by the 
 '' eternal meafures of right and wrong : — 
 *' The fiift of thefe will comprehend the 
 " duties of religion j— the fecond, thofe of 
 
 " morality^
 
 ( 6i ) 
 
 « morality, v/hich are fo infepara"bly con- 
 *' nedled together, that you cannot divide 
 " thefe two tables^ even in imagination, 
 *' (tho' the attempt is often made in prac- 
 " tice) without breaking and mutually de- 
 " ftroyin^ them both. 
 
 *' I faid the attempt is often made ; and 
 
 *' fo it is ; there being nothing more 
 
 *' common than to fee a man who has no 
 *' fenfe at all of religion, and indeed has fo 
 *' much honefty as to pretend to none, who 
 *' would take it as the bittereft affront, 
 ** fliould you but hint at a fufpicion of his 
 
 '* moral charader, or imagine he was 
 
 *' not confcientioufly juft and fcrupulous to 
 *' the uttcrmoft mite, 
 
 *' When there is fome appearance that it 
 *' is fo, — tho' one is unwilling even to fuf- 
 " peel the appearance of fo amiable a virtue 
 
 " as
 
 ( 62 ) 
 
 *=' as moral honefly, yet were we to look 
 ^' into the grounds of it, in the prefent cafe, 
 *' I am perfuaded we fhould find little rea- 
 •^^ fan to envy fuch a one the honour of his 
 •'* motive. 
 
 " Let him declaim as pompoufiy as he 
 ^' choofes upon the fubjecR:, it will be found 
 *' to reft upon no better foundation than ei- 
 *' ther his intereft, his pride, his cafe, or 
 '^' fome fuch little and changeable paflion as 
 ** will give us but fmall dependance upon 
 •" his actions in matters of great diftrefs. 
 
 *' I will illuftrate this by an example. 
 
 *' I know the banker I deal with, or the 
 " phyfician I ufually call in," — [There 
 is no need, cried Dr. Slop^ (waking) to call 
 in any phyfician in this cafe]— — " to be 
 " neither of them men of much religion : I 
 ■ ** hear them make a jeft of it every day, and 
 c *' treat
 
 ( 63 ) 
 
 ^* treat all Its fan6lions with fo much fcorng 
 *' as to put the matter paft doubt. Well j 
 " — notwithftanding this, I put my fortune 
 ** into the hands of the one ; — and what is 
 <' dearer ftill to me, I truft my life to the 
 " honeft Ikill of the other. 
 
 " Now let me examine what is my rea- 
 *' fon for this great confidence. Why, in 
 *' the firft place, I believe there is no proba- 
 •** bility that either of them will employ the 
 " power I put into their hands to my diHxd- 
 *' vantage; — I confider that honefty ferves 
 *' the purpofes of this life : — I know their 
 '' fuccefs in the world depends upon the fair- 
 *' nefs of their characters. — In a word, I'm 
 " perfuaded that they cannot hurt me with- 
 ** out hurtino; themfelves more. 
 
 o 
 
 (C 
 
 But put it otherwifc, namely, that in- 
 ■*' tereft lay, for once, on the other fide; 
 
 *' that
 
 ( 64 ) 
 "** that a cafe fhould happen, wherein the one, 
 " without ftain to his reputation, could fe- 
 '' Crete my fortune, and leave me naked in 
 *« the world ;— ,or that the other could fend 
 *' me out of it, and enjoy an eftate by my 
 ** death, withoutdiflionour tohimfelf or his 
 ** art : — In this cafe, what hold have I of 
 *' either of them ? — Religion, the ftrengeft 
 *' of all motives, is out of the q'ueftion ; — 
 ** Interefl, the next moft powerful motive 
 " in the world, is ftrongly againft me : 
 
 " ' What have I left to caft into the 
 
 " oppofite fcale to balance this temptation ? 
 
 " -Alas! I have nothing, no- 
 
 " thing but what is lighter than a bubble 
 << ^ 1 muft lye at the mercy of Ho- 
 
 «( 
 
 NOUR, or fome fuch capricious principle 
 *' — Strait fecurity for two of the moft va- 
 ** luable bleiTings ! — my property and my 
 « fclf." 
 
 As
 
 ( 65 J 
 
 " Asj therefore, we can have no depdn- 
 *' dence upon morality without religion; — 
 " To, on the other hand, there is nothing 
 *' better to be expcded from religion with- 
 *' out morality; neverthelefs, 'tis no pro- 
 *' digy to fee a man whofe real moral cha- 
 *' ra£ler ftands very low, who yet entertains 
 " the higheft notion of himfelf, in the light 
 '* of a religious man. 
 
 *' He (hall not only be covetous, revenge- 
 ful, implacable, — but even wanting in 
 points of common honefty; yet inafmuch 
 " as he talks aloud againfl the infidelity of 
 
 *' the age, is zealous for fome points of 
 
 religion, goes tv/icc a-day to church, 
 
 — attends the (acraments, — and amufes 
 " himfelf with a kw inftrumental parts of 
 *' religion,— fliall cheat his confcience in- 
 *' to a judgment, that, for this, he is a re- 
 *' iigious man, and has difchargcd truly his 
 Vol. If. E «« duty 
 

 
 ( 66 ) 
 
 « duty to God : And you will find that 
 ** fuch a man, through force of this delu- 
 *' fion, generally looks down with fpiritual 
 *' pride upon every other man who has lefs 
 ** affedation of piety, — though, perhaps, ten 
 " times more real honefty than himfelf. 
 
 ** This Ukewife is afore evil under the fun % 
 *' and I believe, there is no one miftaken 
 ** principle, which, for its time, has wrought 
 ** more ferious mifchiefs.- - - ■■ For a gene- 
 ** ral proof of this, — examine the hiflory 
 ** of the Z^cot//^ church;" — [Well what cait 
 you make of that ? cried Dr. Slopi — " fee 
 *' what fcenes of cruelty, murder, rapine, 
 *' blood-fhed,"— — [They may thank their 
 
 own obftinacy, cried Dr. Slop'\ " have 
 
 *' all been fan6llfied by a religion not ftriitly 
 *' governed by morality. 
 
 *' In how many kingdoms of the world'* 
 *— [Here 2r/w kept waving his right-hand 
 
 ffom
 
 ( 67 ) 
 from the fermon to the extent of his arm, 
 returning it backwards and forwards to the 
 conclufion of the paragraph.] 
 
 '* In how many kingdoms of the world 
 *' has the crufading fword of this mifguided 
 *' faint-errant fpared neither age or merit, 
 *' or fex, or condition ? — and, as he fought 
 ** under the banners of a religion which fet 
 ** him loofe from juftice and humanity, he 
 *' (hewed none ; mercilefsly trampled upon 
 *' both, — heard neither the cries of the un- 
 ** fortunate, nor pitied their diftrefles.'* 
 
 [I have been in many a battle, an' pleafe 
 your Honour, quoth 7V/w, fighing, but ne- 
 ver in fo melancholy a one as this. — I would 
 not have drawn a tricker in it againfl thefe 
 
 poor fouls, to have been made a general 
 
 officer. Why? wh::t do you underfrand 
 
 of the affair? faiJ Dr. Sbp^ looking towards 
 E 2 'trirrii
 
 ( 68 ) 
 
 'Trim, with fomething more of contempt 
 than the Corporal's honeft heart deferved. 
 ——What do you know, friend, about this 
 battle you talk of? — I know, replied Trim, 
 that I never refufed quarter in my life to 
 
 any man who cried out for it; but to a 
 
 woman or a child, continued Trim, before I 
 would level my mufket at them, I would 
 
 iofe my life a thoufand times. Here's a 
 
 crown for thee. Trim, to drink with GbadiaJj 
 to-night, quoth my \xnc\&Toby, and I'll give 
 Ohadiah another too.—God blefs your Ho- 
 nour, replied Trim, 1 had rather thefe 
 
 poor women and children had it. Thou 
 
 ■art an honeft fellow, quoth my uncle Toby. 
 
 My father nodded his head, — as much 
 
 as to fay, — and fo he is. — 
 
 But prithee. Trim, faid my father, make 
 an end, — for I fee thou hafl but a leaf or 
 
 two left. 
 
 Corporal
 
 ( 69 ) 
 Corporal Trhn read on.] 
 
 <' If the teftimony of paft centuries in this 
 *' matter is not fufficient, — confider at this 
 '* inftant, how the votaries of that religion 
 *' are every day thinking to do fervice and 
 *' honour to God, by adionS which are a 
 '* difhonour and fcandal to themfelves. 
 
 '■^ To be convinced of this, go with nic 
 ** for a moment into the prifons of the In- 
 " quifition." — [God help my poor brother 
 T'om.'] — " Behold ReUgio77, with Mercy and 
 
 *' y?^/V^ chained down under her feet, 
 
 *'■ there fitting ghaftly upon a black tribu- 
 '* nal, propped up with racks and inftru- 
 " ments of torment. Hark ! — hark ! what a 
 " piteous groan!" — [ Here 7'f7;72's face turned 
 
 as pale as aflics.] "See the melancholy 
 
 " wretch who uttered it'" — [Here the tears 
 
 began to trickle down.] *' juft brought 
 
 E 3 " forth
 
 ( 70 ) 
 
 " forth to undergo the anguifh of a mcck 
 ** trial, and endure the utmoft pains that a 
 ** ftudied fyftem of cruelty has been able to 
 " invent." — [D— n them all, quoth Trim, 
 his colour returning into his face as red as 
 blood.] — " Behold this helplefs viiStim de- 
 *' livered up to his tormentors, — his body {o 
 *' wafted with forrow and confinement." 
 [Oh ! 'tis my brother, cried poor 'Trim 
 in a moft pailionate exclamation, dropping 
 the fermon upon the ground, and clapping 
 his hands together — I fear 'tis poor Tonu 
 My father's and my uncle Toby a heart yearn- 
 ed with fympathy for the poor fellow's dif- 
 trefsj even Slop himfelf acknowledged pity 
 for him. -——Why, Trim^ faid my father, this- 
 is not a hiftory,— — 'tis a fermon thou art 
 reading; prithee begin the fentence again.] 
 — — " Behold this helplefs vidim deliver- 
 ** ed up to his tormentors, — his body fo 
 '* wafted with forrow and confinement, 
 
 " you
 
 ( 71 ) 
 
 « you will fee every nerve and mufcle as it 
 •<* fuffcrs. 
 
 *' Obferve the laft movement of that hor- 
 *' rid engine !" — [I would rather face acan- 
 ^lon, quoth Ttiui-^ ftamping.] — '* See what 
 
 ** convuifions it has thrown him into ! 
 
 ■*' Confider the nature of the pofture in 
 ** which he now lies ftretched, — what ex- 
 *' quifite tortures he endures by it !" — [I hope 
 *tis not in Portugal.] — *' 'Tis all nature can 
 *' bear ! Good God ! fee how it keeps his 
 ** weary foul hanging upon his trembling 
 ^' lips !" [I would not read another line of 
 it, quoth Trim, for all this world; — I fear, 
 an' pleafe your Honours, all this is in Por- 
 4uga/i where my poor brother To?n is. I tell 
 thee, Trim, again, quoth my father, 'tis 
 not an hiftorical account, — 'tis a defcription. 
 — 'Tis only a defcription, honeft man, 
 (^uoth SUpy there's not a v/ord of truth in 
 
 E 4 it..
 
 ,( 72 ) 
 it. That's another ftory, reph'ed my fa- 
 ther. — However, as Trim reads it with {& 
 much concern, — 'tis cruelty to force him to 
 go on with it. — Give me hold of the fer- 
 mon, Trim,—V\\ finifn it for thee, and 
 thou may 'ft go. 1 muft ftay and hear it too,- 
 replied Tr/w, if your Honour will allov/ mej 
 -^tho' I v/ould not read it myfelf for a Co- 
 lonel's pay. Poor Trim ! quoth my 
 
 uncle Tcby. My father went on.] — 
 
 *' -Confuler the nature of the poilure 
 
 '* in which he no\v lies ftretched, — what 
 ** exquifite torture he endures by it! — 'Tis 
 *' all nature can bear ! Good God I See 
 *' how it keeps his weary foul hanging upon 
 '" his trembling lips, — willing to take its 
 
 *' leave, but not fuffered to depart ! — 
 
 *' Behold the unhappy wretch led back to 
 "his cell!" [Then, thank God, how- 
 ever, quoth TritUy they have not killed 
 
 liim.j
 
 ( 73 ) 
 
 ^jm.] — " See him dragged out of it again 
 •*' to meet the flames, and the infults in his 
 " laft agonies, which this principle, — this 
 *' principle, that there can be religion with- 
 
 *' out mercy, has prepared for him." 
 
 [Then, thank God, he is dead, quoth 
 
 Trtm.i — he is out of his pain, — and they have 
 done their worft at him. — O Sirs! — Hold 
 your peace, Triniy faid my father, going on 
 with the fermon, left Tj-zVwfhouldincenfe Dr. 
 £lop^ — we (hall never have done at this rate.] 
 
 *' The furefi: way to try the merit of any 
 difputed notion is, to trace down the con- 
 ' fequences fuch a notion has produced, and 
 " compare them with the fpirit of Chriflia- 
 
 *' nity ; 'tis the fhort and decifive rule 
 
 *' which our Saviour hath left us, for thefe 
 ** and fuch-like cafes, and it is worth a 
 " thoufand :xrgumQnt.s—— -By tbeir fruits ye 
 '•'• Jkall know them. 
 
 ■*' I will 
 
 c
 
 ( 74 ) 
 ', ^' I will add no farther to the length of 
 ^^ this fermon, than by two or three fhort 
 *** and independent rules deducible from it, 
 
 ** i'/r/?, "Whenever a man talks loudly 
 ** againft religion, always fu fpecl that it is 
 " not his reafon, but his paffions which 
 " have got the better of his Creed. A bad 
 ■*' life and a o-ood belief are difa^reeable and 
 *^ troublefome neighbours, and where they 
 -** feparate, depend upon it, 'tis for no other 
 *' caufe but quietnefs fake. 
 
 " Secor.dly^ When a man, thus reprefent- 
 "*' ed, tells you in any particular inftance, 
 *' That fuch a thing goes againft his 
 
 "*' confcicnce, always believe he means 
 
 *' exadly the fame thing, as when he tells 
 ** you fuch a thing goes againji his ftomach ; 
 ** — a prcfent want of appetite being gene- 
 ■*' rally the true caufe of both. 
 
 10 *'In
 
 ( 75 )- 
 ** In a word, — truft that man In nothing, 
 ** who has not a Conscience in every 
 <' thing. 
 
 " And, in your own cafe, remember this 
 *' plain diftinclrion, a miflake in Vv^hich has 
 *' ruined thoufands,— that your confciencc 
 " is not a law : — No, God and reafon made 
 ** the law, and have placed confciencc 
 
 ** within you to determine; not, like 
 
 *' an Jfiatlc Cadi, according to the ebbs 
 ** and flows of his own pafilons, — but like 
 ** a Britijh judge in this land of liberty and 
 ** good ienfe, who makes no new law, but 
 *' faithfully declares that law which he 
 ** knows already written." 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 Thou
 
 ( 7-6 ) 
 Thou haift read the fermon extremely 
 well, Ti'im, quoth my father. — If he had 
 fpared his comments, replied Dr. Slopy • 
 he would have read it much better. I Ihould 
 have read it ten times better. Sir, anfwered 
 Trim^ but that my heart was fo full. — That 
 was the very reafon, Trbn, replied my fa- 
 ther, which has made thee read the fer- 
 mon as well as thou haft done ; and if the 
 clergy of our church, continued my father, 
 addreffing himfelf to Dr. Slop^ v/ould take 
 part in what they deliver as deeply as this 
 poor fellow has done, — as their compofi- 
 tions are fine; — [I deny it, quoth Y)v,Slop'] — I 
 maintain it, — that the eloquence of our pul- 
 pits, with fuch fubjedts to enflame it, would 
 
 be a model for the whole world : But 
 
 alas ! continued my father, and I own it. 
 Sir, with forrow, that, like French politi- 
 cians in this refpedl, what they gain in the 
 •cabinet they lofe in the field. 'Twere a 
 
 9 P'ty»
 
 ( 77 ) 
 pity, quoth my uncle, that this ihould he 
 loll;. I h'lce the feriTion well, replied my fa- 
 ther, 'tis dramatic, — a;]d there is fome- 
 
 thing in that way of writing, when (kil- 
 
 fully managed, which catches the attention. 
 
 We preach much in that way with us, 
 
 faid Dr. Slop. — I know that very well, faid 
 
 my father, but in a tone and manner 
 
 which difgufted Dr. Slop, full as much as his 
 
 aflent, fimply, could have pleafed him. 
 
 But in this, added Dr. Slop, a little piqued,— 
 our fermons have greatly the advantage, that 
 we never introduce any character into them 
 bclov/ a patriarch or a patriarch's wife, or ;i 
 martyr or a faint. — There are fome very bad 
 charaiSters in this, however, faid my father, 
 and I do not think the fermcn a jet the worfe 
 
 for 'em. But prr.y, quoth my uncle 7''o/^y.y 
 
 — who's can this be r — How could it ^et into 
 my Stevinus ? A man muft be as great a con- 
 jurer as Stsvinusy faid my father, to refolve the 
 
 fccond
 
 ( 78 ) 
 iecond queftlon : — The firfl, I think, is not 
 fo difficult ; — for unlefs my judgment great- 
 ly deceives me, 1 know the author, for 
 
 'tis wrote, certainly, by the parfon of the 
 pariih. 
 
 The fimllitude of the fiile and manner of 
 it, with thofe my father conftantly had heard 
 preached in his parifli-church, was the 
 ground of his conjc(5l:ure, — proving it as 
 ftrongly, as an argument a priori could 
 prove fuch a thing to a philofophic mind. 
 That it was ToricFs and no one's elfe : — It 
 was proved to be fo, a pojleriori^ the day af- 
 ter, when Torick fent a fervant to my uncle 
 Tobys houfe to enquire after it. 
 
 It feems that Torick, who was inquifitivft 
 after all kinds of knowledge, had borrowed 
 Stevlnus of my uncle Toby, and had carelefsly 
 popped his fermon, as foon as he had made 
 
 it,
 
 C 79 ) 
 
 it, into the middle of Stevlnus j and by are 
 a£t of forgetful nefs, to which he was ever 
 fubjeft, he had fent Stevlnus home, and his- 
 fermon to keep him company. 
 
 Ill-fated fermon ! Thou waft loft, after 
 this recovery of thee, a fecond time, diop- 
 ped thro' an unfufpeiled filFure in thy ma- 
 fter's pocket, down into a treacherous and a 
 tattered lining, — trod deep into the dirt by 
 the left hind-foot of his Rofmante inhu- 
 manly ftepping upon thee as thou falledft ;— 
 
 buried ten days in the mire, raifed up 
 
 out of it by a beggar, — fold for a halfpenny 
 to a parifh-clerk, — transferred to his par- 
 fon, loft for ever to thy own, the re- 
 mainder of iiis days, nor reftored to his 
 
 reftlefs A'Ianes till this very moment, that 
 I tell the world the ftory.
 
 ( 80 ) 
 
 Can the reader believe, that this fermoA 
 of TorUk's was preached at an affize, in the 
 cathedral of Tork^ before a thoufand wit- 
 nefles, ready to give oath of it, by a cer- 
 tain prebendary of that church, and adually 
 
 printed by him when he had done, and 
 
 within fo fliort a fpace as tv/o years an<l 
 three months after Torick's death.— TrnV/f 
 indeed, was never better ferved in his life; 
 — but it was a little hard to mal-treat 
 him after, and plunder kim after he was 
 laid in his grave. 
 
 However, as the gentleman who did it 
 was in perfed charity with r^^r/Vi, — and, 
 in confciousjuilice, printed but a few copies 
 to give away j— and that I am told he could 
 moreover have made as erood a one himfelf, 
 had he thought fit,-— I declare I would not 
 have publiflied this anecdote to the world ; 
 r- — nor do I publifh it with an intent to 
 
 hurt
 
 ( 8i ) 
 
 hurt his charadler and advancement In the 
 
 church ; 1 leave that to others; — but I 
 
 find myfelf impelled by two reafons, which 
 I cannot withiland. 
 
 The firft is, That in doing juftice, I 
 
 may give reft to Torick's ghoftj which, 
 
 — as the country-people, and fome others, 
 believe, -Ji'ill walks. 
 
 The fecond reafon is. That, by laying 
 open this ftory to the world, I gain an op- 
 portunity of informing It, — That In cafe 
 thecharadter of parfon l^cnV/f, and this fam- 
 
 ple of his fermons, is liked, there are 
 
 now in the pofleflion of the Shandy family, 
 as many as will make a handfome volume, 
 
 at the world's fervice, and much good 
 
 may they do it. 
 
 Vol. ir. F CHAP.
 
 ( 82 ) 
 
 CHAP. VII. 
 
 B A pi AH gained the two crowns 
 
 without difputej for he came in jing- 
 
 Jinjr, with all the inftruments in the green 
 
 baj'^s bag we fpoke of, flung acrofs his body, 
 
 juft as Corporal Trim went out of the room. 
 
 It is now proper, I think, quoth Dr. SIop^ 
 (clearing up his looks) as v/e are in a con- 
 dition to be of fome fei'vice to Mrs. Shandyy 
 to fend UD flairs to know how fhe ooes on. 
 
 to 
 
 I have ordered, anfwered my father, the 
 old midwife to come down to us upon the 
 leaft difficulty ; — for you muft know, Ut. 
 Slop, continued my father, with a perplexed 
 kind of a fmile upon his countenance, that 
 by cxprcfs treaty, folemnly ratified between 
 ^iV■^ aryJ my wife, vcu are no more than an 
 
 ■J
 
 ( 83 ) 
 
 auxiliary in this affair, — and not fo much as 
 that, — unlefs the lean old mother of a mid- 
 wife above ftairs cannot do without you. — ■ 
 Women have their particular fancies, and 
 in points of this nature, continued my father, 
 where they bear the whole burden, and fuf- 
 fer fo much acute pain for the advanta2:e cf 
 our families, and the good of the fpecies, — • 
 they claim a right of deciding,, en Smvg- 
 rmnesy in whofe hands, and in v/hat fa^ 
 fhion, they choofe to undergo it. 
 
 They are in the right of it,— quoth mj 
 uncle 7^oc-y. But, Sir, replied Dr. Slop, not 
 taking notice of my uncle TcLy's opinion, 
 but turning to my father, — they had better 
 
 govern in other points; aiid a father of 
 
 a family, who wiflics its perpetuity, in my 
 opinion, had better exchange this prero^^ri- 
 tive with them, and give up fomc other 
 
 Jights in lieu of it. 1 know not, quoth 
 
 1' 2 r,iy
 
 ( H ) 
 
 my father, anfwering a little too teftily, to 
 be quite difpallionate in what he faid, — I 
 know not, quoth he, what we have left to 
 give up, in lieu of whoiliall bring our chil- 
 dren into the world, unlefs that, — of who 
 
 fhall beget thsm. One would almoft 
 
 give up any thing, replied Dr. Sbp — I beg 
 
 your pardon, anfwered my uncle Tcby. 
 
 —Sir, replied Dr. Slop^ it would aftonifh 
 you to know what improvements we have 
 made of late years in all branches of obfte- 
 trical knowledge, but particularly in that 
 one fingle point of the fafe and expeditious 
 extraiflion of the foetus^ which has re- 
 ceived fuch lights, that, for my part (hold- 
 ing up his hands) I declare I wonder how 
 
 the world has 1 wifh, quoth my uncle 
 
 Toby^ you had feen what prodigious armies 
 we had in Flanders. 
 
 CHAP.
 
 C &s ) 
 
 CHAP. VIII. 
 
 T Have dropped the curtain over this fcene 
 
 "*" for a minute, to remind you of one 
 
 thing, and to inform you of another. 
 
 What I have to inform you, comes, I 
 
 Qwn, a little out of its due courfe ; for 
 
 it fhould have been told a hundred and fifty 
 pages ago, but that I forefaw then 'twould 
 come in pat hereafter, and be of more ad- 
 vantage here than elfewhere. — Writers had 
 need look before them to keep up the fpirit 
 and connection of what they have in hand. 
 
 When thefe two things are done, — the 
 curtain fhall be drawn up again, and my 
 uncle Toly, my father, and Dr. S/op, {hall 
 go on with their difcourfe, without any 
 more interruption. 
 
 F ,^ Firft,-
 
 ( 86 ) 
 
 Firfl-, then, the matter which I have to 
 
 remind you of, is this; that from the 
 
 fpecimens of Angularity in my father's no- 
 tions in the point of Chriflian-names, and 
 that other previous point thereto, — you was 
 led, I think, into an opinion, (and I am fure 
 I faid as much) that my father was a gentle- 
 man altogether as odd and whimfical in fifty 
 other opinions. In truth there was not a 
 ftage in the life of man, from the very firft 
 
 act of his begetting, dov^n to the lean 
 
 and flippered pantaloon in his fecond child- 
 ifanefs, but he had fome favourite notion to 
 himfclf, fpringing out of it, as fceptical, 
 and as far out of the high-way of thinking, 
 as thefe two which have been explained. 
 
 - — Mr. Shandy^ my father, Sir, v/ould fee 
 nothing in the light in which others placed 
 it; — he placed things in his own light ;-— 
 he v/ould weigh nothing in common fcales ; 
 
 — no.
 
 ( 87 ) 
 
 —no, he was too refined a refearcher to lie 
 open to fo grofs an impofition. — To come 
 at the exaft weight of things in the fcientiRc 
 fteel-yard, the fulcrum, he would fay, fhould 
 be almoflinvifible, to avoid all friclion from 
 popular tenets J — without this the minuti.'E- 
 of philofophy, which would always turn the 
 balance, will have no weight at all. Know- 
 ledge, like matter, he would affirm was di- 
 
 vifible in infinitum; that the grains and 
 
 fcruples were as much a part of it, as the 
 ■gravitation of the whole world. — In a word, 
 he would fay, error was error, no mat- 
 ter where it fell, whether in a fraction, 
 
 —or a pound, — 'twas aliice fatal to truth, 
 and fhe was kept down at the bottom of her 
 well, as inevitably by a miftake in the dull 
 of a butterfly's wing,— — as in the difk of 
 the fun, the mocn, and ali the flara of 
 heaven put together. 
 
 F 4 He
 
 ( 88 ) 
 
 He would often lament that it was for 
 want of confidering this properly, and of 
 applying it (kilfully to civil matters, as well 
 as to fpeculative truths, that fo many things 
 
 in this world were out of joint ; that the 
 
 political arch was giving way; ^and that 
 
 the very foundations of our excellent con- 
 ilitution, in church and ftate, were fo fap- 
 ped as eftimators had reported. 
 
 You cry out, he would fay, we are a ru- 
 ined, undone people. Why? he would afk, 
 making ufe of the forites or fylloglfm of Z^- 
 Ko and Chr}fippus, without knov/ing it be- 
 longed to them. — Why ? why are we a ru- 
 ined people ? — Becaufe we are corrupted. — 
 Whence is it, dear Sir, that v/e are corrupt- 
 ed ? Becaufe we are needy ; our po- 
 verty, and notour wills, confent. And . 
 
 wherefore, he would add,; — are we needy ? 
 —From the negle£l, he would anfwer, of 
 
 our
 
 C C9 )■ 
 our pence and our halfpence: — Our bank 
 notes, Sir, our guineas, — nay our {hillings 
 take care of themfelves. 
 
 'Tis the fame, he would fay, throughout 
 
 the whole circle of the fciences ; the 
 
 great, the edabliihed points of them, are not 
 to be broke in upon. — The Isws of nature 
 
 will defend themfelves; — but error (he 
 
 would add, looking earneftly at my mother) 
 
 • error, Sir, creeps in thro' the minute 
 
 holes, and fmall crevices which human na- 
 ture leaves unguarded. 
 
 This turn of thinking in my father, h- 
 what I had to remind you of: — The point 
 you are to be informed of, and which I have 
 referved for this place, is as follows. 
 
 Amongft the many and excellent reafons, 
 with which my father had urged my mother 
 to accept of Dr. Slop'^ afliftance preferably 
 
 to
 
 ( 90 ) 
 
 to that of the old woman, there was one 
 
 of a very fingular nature j which, when he 
 had done arguing the matter with her as a 
 Chriftian, and came to argue it over again 
 with her as a philofopher, he had put his 
 whole ftrength to, depending indeed upon 
 
 it as his fneet-anchor. ^It failed him ; 
 
 tho' from no dekS: in the argument itfelf ; 
 but that, do what he could, he was not able 
 for his foul to make her comprehend the 
 
 drift of it. Curfed luck!- faid he to 
 
 himfelf, one afternoon, as he walked out of 
 the room, after he had been dating it for 
 an hour and a half to her, to no manner of - 
 purpofe; — curfed luck! faid he, biting his 
 
 Up as he fhut the door, for a man to be 
 
 mafter of one of the fineft chains of reafon- 
 ing in nature, — and have a wife at the fame 
 tirrie with fucli a head-piece, that he can- 
 r.ot hang up a fingle inference within fide 
 of it, to fave his foul from deflruclion. 
 
 This.
 
 ( 91 ) 
 
 This argument, though it was intireljr 
 
 loft upon my mother, had more weight 
 
 with him, than all his other arguments 
 joined together : — I will therefore endea- 
 vour to do it juftice,— and fet it forth with> 
 all the perfpicuity I am mafter of. 
 
 My father fet out upon the ftrength of 
 thefe two following axioms : 
 
 Firjl^ That an ounce of a man's own v/it, 
 was worth a ton of other people's ; and, 
 
 Stcondly, (Which by the bye, was the 
 ground-work of the firft axiom, tho' it- 
 comes laft) That every man's v/it mufi: 
 
 com.e from every man's ownfoul, and 
 
 no other body's. 
 
 Now, as it v/as plain to my father, that 
 
 all fouls were by nature equal,- and that 
 
 the great difference between the moll: acute 
 
 and
 
 ( 92 } 
 
 and the moft obtufe underftanding^ was 
 
 from no original fliarpnefs or bluntnefs of 
 one thinkino; fubftance above or below an- 
 other, — — but arofe merely from the lucky 
 or unlucky organization of the body, in 
 that part where the foul principally took up 
 
 her relidence, ^^ he had made it the fubje(St 
 
 of his enquiry to find out the identical place. 
 
 Now, from the beft accounts he had been 
 able to get of this matter, he was fatisfied it 
 could not be where Des Cartes had fixed it, 
 upon the top of th^ pineal gland of the brain j 
 which, as he phllofophifed, formed a cu- 
 fhion for her about the fize of a marrow pea; 
 tho% to fpeak the truth, as fo many nerves 
 did terminate all in that one place, — 'twas 
 
 no bad conjedlure ; ^and my father had 
 
 certainly fallen with that great philofopher 
 plumb into the centre of the miftake, had. 
 it not been for my uncle Toby^ who refcued, 
 
 him
 
 ( 93 ) 
 
 him out of it, by a ftory he told him of a 
 Walloon officer at the battle of Landen^ who 
 had one part of his brain fnot away by a muf- 
 ket ball, — and another part of it taken out 
 after by a French furgeon j and after all, reco- 
 vered, and did his duty very well without it. 
 
 If death, faid my father, reafoning with 
 himfelf, is nothing but the feparation of the 
 foul from the body ; — and if it is true that 
 people can walk about and do their bufinefs 
 without brains, — then certes the foul does 
 not inhabit there. Q^ E. D. 
 
 As for that certain, very thin, fubtle 
 and very fragrant juice which CQgUoniJJimo 
 Borri^ the great Milaneze phyfician, affirms, 
 in a letter to Bartholine^ to have difcovered 
 in the cellul-je of the occipital parts of the 
 cerebellum, and which he likewife affirms to 
 be the principal feat of the reafonable foul, 
 
 5 (^'^'■'
 
 ( 94 ) 
 (for, you mud know, in thefe latter and more 
 enlightened ages, there are two fouls in every 
 man living, — the one, according to the great 
 MethegUngius^ being called the Animus, the 
 Other, the Jrama ;) — as for the opinion, I fay, 
 -of Borrii — my father could never fubfcribe to 
 it by any means ; the very idea of fo noble, 
 fo refined, fo immaterial, and fo exalted 
 a being as the Anhna, or even the Animus^ 
 taking up her refidence, and fitting dabbling, 
 like a tad-pole all day long, both fummer 
 
 and winter, in a puddle, or in a liquid 
 
 of any kind, how thick or thin foever, 
 he would fay, fiiocked his imagination ; he 
 would fcarce give the dodrine a hearino-. 
 
 What, therefore, fcemed the leaft liable 
 to objedlions of any, was that the chief fen- 
 forium, or head- quarters of the foul, and to 
 which place all intelligences were referred, 
 and from whence all her mandates were if- 
 6 fa.J,
 
 ( 95 ) 
 
 fued, — was in, or near, the cerebellum, — 
 or rather fome-where about the rnedulla ob" 
 lorigata, wherein it was generally agreed by 
 Dutch anatomifts, that all the minute nerves 
 from all the or^-ans of the feven fenfes con- 
 centered, like ftrcets and winding alleys, in- 
 to a fquare. 
 
 So far there was nothing fingular in my 
 father's opinion, — he had the befl of phi- 
 lofophcrs, of all ages and climates, to go 
 
 along; with him. But here he took a road 
 
 of his own, fetting up another Shandean hy- 
 pothefis upon thefe corn*er ftones they had 
 
 laid for himj and v/hich faid hypothefis 
 
 equally flood its ground j whether the fub- 
 tilty and finencfs of the foul depended upon 
 the temperature and clcarnefs of the faid 
 liquor, or of the finer net-work and texture 
 in the cerebellum itfelf j which opinion he 
 favoured. 
 
 II.C
 
 C 96 ) 
 
 He maintained, that next to the due care to 
 Le taken in the acl of propagation of each in- 
 dividual, which required all the thouoht in 
 tlie world, as it laid the foundation of this 
 incomprehenfible contexture, in which, wit, 
 memory, fancy, eloquence, and what is ufu- 
 ally meant by the name of good natural parts, 
 do confifti — that next to this and his Chri- 
 ffian-name, which were the two original and 
 
 moft efficacious caufes of all; that the 
 
 third caufe, or rather what logicians call the 
 Caufa fine qua non, and without which all that 
 was done was of no manner of fignificance, 
 
 ■ was the prefervation of this delicate and 
 
 fine fpun web, from the havock which v/as 
 generally made in it by the violent compref- 
 fion and crufh which the head was made to 
 undergo, by the nonfenfical method of bring- 
 ing us into the world by that foremoft. 
 
 > This requires explanation. 
 
 My
 
 ( 97 ) 
 
 My father, who dipped into all kinds of 
 books, upon looking into Lithopadus Se- 
 nonefis de Portu difficili*, publiHied by Adri- 
 anus S?nelvgoty had found out, that the lax 
 and pliable ftate of a child's head in parturi- 
 tion, the bones of the cranium havine no 
 
 futures at that time, was fuch, that by 
 
 force of the woman's efforts, v/hich, in 
 flrong labour-pains, was equal, upon an ave- 
 rage, to the weight of 470 pounds averdupois 
 ading perpendicularly upon it; — it fo hap- 
 pened, that in 4gr inftanccs out of 50, the faid 
 
 • The author is here twice miftaken ; for Lithopadui 
 fiiould be wrote thus, LUhopaJii Senoncnfis Icon. The 
 fecond miftake is, that this Lithopadus is not an author, 
 but a drawing of a petrified child. The account of this, 
 publiflied by Aibofiui 1580, may be feen at the end 
 of Card^us't works in Spachiui. Mr. Iriftram Shandy 
 has been led into this error, either from feeing Litho- 
 picdtti'i name of late in a catalogue of learned writers 
 
 in Dr , or by miftaking Lithopadut for rrine- 
 
 civtlliuf, from the too great fimilitude of the names. 
 
 Vol. II. G head
 
 ( 98 ) 
 head wa$ compTefFed and moulded into the 
 fhape of an oblong conical piece of doughy 
 fuch as a paftry-cook generally rolls up in 
 order to make a pye of. — Good God ! cried 
 my father, what havock and deftruftion 
 muft this make in the infinitely fine and ten- 
 der texture of the cerebellum ! — Or if there 
 is fuch a juice as Borri pretends,, — is it not 
 enough to make the cleareft liquid in the 
 world both feculent and mothery ? 
 
 But how great was his apprehenfion, 
 when he farther underftood, that this force 
 ailing upon the very vertex of the head, not 
 only injured the brain itfelf or cerebrum, 
 — but that it necefTarily fqueezed and pro- 
 pelled the cerebrum towards the cerebel- 
 lumj which was the immediate feat of the 
 
 underftanding. Angels and Miniflers of 
 
 grace defend us ! cried my father, caa 
 
 any foul withftand this fhock ? — No won- 
 
 5 ^^
 
 ( 99 ) 
 
 der the intelle6lual v/eb is fo rent and tat- 
 tered as we fee it ; and that fo many of our 
 beft heads are no better than a puzzled 
 
 Ikein of filk all perplexity, ^all con- 
 
 fufion within-fide. 
 
 But when my father read on, and was let 
 into the fecret, that when a child was turn- 
 ed topfy-turvy, which was eafy for an opera- 
 tor to do, and was extra6led by the feet; — 
 that inftead of the cerebrum being propelled 
 towards the cerebellum, the cerebellum, on 
 the contrary, was propelled fimply towards 
 the cerebrum, where it could do no man- 
 ner of hurt : By heavens ! cried he, the 
 
 world is in confpiracy to drive out what little 
 
 wit God has given us, and the profef- 
 
 fors of the obftctric art arc lifted into the 
 
 fame confpiracy. — What is it to me whieh 
 
 end of my fon comes foremoft into the 
 
 G 2 world,
 
 ( 100 ) 
 world, provided all goes right after, and 
 his cerebellum efcapes uncrufhed ? 
 
 It is the nature of an hypothefis, when 
 once a man has conceived it, that it aflimi- 
 lates every thing to itfelf, as proper nourifli- 
 ment; and, from the firft moment of your 
 begetting it, it generally grows the ftronger 
 by every thing you fee, hear, read, or un- 
 derfland. This is of great ufe. 
 
 When my father was gone with this a- 
 bout a month, there was fcarce a phoenome- 
 non of ftupidity or of genius, which he 
 could not readily folve by itj — it account- 
 ed for the eldeft fon being the greateft 
 blockhead in the family.— —Poor devil, he 
 would fay, — he made way for the capacity 
 
 of his younger brothers. It unriddled 
 
 the obfervations of drivellers and monftrous 
 
 heads,'— wfhe wing a priori^ it could not 
 
 10 ^ be
 
 ( loi ) 
 
 be otherwifc, unlefs **** I don't know 
 
 what. It wonderfully explained and ac- 
 counted for the acumen of the JJIatic genius^ 
 and that fprightlier turn, and a more pene- 
 trating intuition of minds, in warmer cli- 
 mates ; not from the loofe and common- 
 place folution of a clearer (ky, and a more 
 perpetual fun-fliine, &c. — which for aught 
 he knew, might as well rarify and dilute the 
 faculties of the foul into nothing, by one 
 extreme, — as they are condenfed in colder 
 
 climates by the other ; but he traced the 
 
 affair up to its fpring-head ; — fhewed that, 
 in warmer climates, nature had laid a lighter 
 tax upon the faireft parts of the creation ; — 
 their pleafures more j — the ncceflity of their 
 pains lefs, infomuch that the preflure and 
 rcfiftance upon the vertex was fo flight, that 
 the whole organization of the cerebellum 
 
 was preferved ; nay, he did not believe, 
 
 in natural births, that fo much as a fingle 
 G 3 thread
 
 ( 1^2 ) 
 
 thread of the net- work was -broke or dif-- 
 
 placed, fo that the foul might juft acl: 
 
 as fhe liked. 
 
 When my father had got fo far,- 
 
 what a blaze of light did the accounts of 
 the Cafarian fedlion, and of the towering 
 geniufes who had come fafe into the world 
 by it, caft upon this hypothefis ? Here you 
 fee, he would fay, there was no injury done 
 to the fenforium ; — no preflure of the head 
 
 againft the pelvis j no propulfion of the 
 
 cerebrum towards the cerebellum, either by 
 the OS pubis on this fide, or the os coxygis on 
 
 that J and pray, what were the happy 
 
 confequences ? Why, Sir, your Julius Ca- 
 far,, who gave the operation a name ; — and 
 your Herynes Trifmegijius, who was born fo 
 before ever the operation had a name ;— — 
 your Scipio Africanus j your Manlius Torqua^ 
 tus i our ^r/wi^r^s^ the Sixth, — who, had he 
 
 lived J,
 
 ( 103 ) 
 
 fiVcd, would have done the fame honour to 
 
 the hypodiefis: Thefe, and many more 
 
 who figured high in the annals of fame, — 
 all c2iV[\e fide way ^ Sir, into the world. 
 
 The incifion of the abdomen and utems 
 ran for fix weeks together in my father's 
 
 head 5 he had read, and was fatisfied, 
 
 that wounds in the epigajlr'ium^ and thofe in 
 the matrix, were not mortal ; — fo that the 
 belly of the mother might be opened extreme- 
 ly well to give a paffage to the child. — He 
 mentioned the thing one afternoon to my 
 
 mother, merely as a matter of fa6l ; 
 
 but feeing her turn as pale as afties at the 
 very mention of it, as much as the opera- 
 tion flattered his hopes, — he thought it as 
 
 well to fay no more of it, contenting 
 
 himfclf with admiring, — what he thought 
 was to no purpofe to propofe. 
 
 G 4 This
 
 ( 104 ) 
 
 This was my father yir. Shandy's hypothe- 
 fis ; concerning which I have only to add, 
 that my brother Bobby did as great honour 
 to it (whatever he did to the family) as any 
 one of the great heroes we fpoke of : For 
 happening not only to be chriflened, as I 
 told you, but to be born too, when my fa- 
 ther was at Epfom^ being moreover my 
 
 mothcr's^r/? child, — coming into the world 
 with his h^TidifcranoJi^ — and turning out af- 
 terwards a lad of wonderful flow parts, 
 
 my father fpelt all thefe together into his 
 opinion ; and as he had failed atone end,— 
 he was determined to try the other. 
 
 This was not to be expeded from one of 
 the fiftcrhood, who are not eafily to be put 
 
 out of their way, and was therefore one 
 
 of my father's great reafons in favour of a 
 man of fciencc, whom he could better deal 
 with. 
 
 Of
 
 ( I05 ) 
 
 Of all men in the world, Dr. Slop wns 
 
 the fittefl: for my father's purpofe ; for 
 
 though this new invented forceps was the 
 armour he had proved, and what he main- 
 tained to be the fafeft inftrument of deli- 
 verance, yet, it fcems, he had fcattercd a 
 word or two in his book, in favour of the 
 very thing which ran in my father's fancy j 
 tho' not with a view to the foul's good 
 in extracting by the feet, as was my father's 
 fyftem, — but for rcafons merely obitetrical. 
 
 This will account for the coalition be- 
 twixt my father and Dr. Slop^ in the enfu- 
 ing difccurfe, which went a little hard 
 
 againfl my uncle Tcby. In what manner 
 
 a plain man, with nothing but common 
 fenfe, could bear up againft two fuch allies 
 in fcience, — is hard to conceive — You may 
 
 conjc(5iiire upon it, if you pleafe, and 
 
 whilftyour imagination is in motion, you may 
 
 cn^rourage
 
 ( 106 ) 
 
 encourage it to go on, and difcover by what 
 caufes and efFe6ls in nature it could come to 
 pafs, that my uncle Toby got his modefty by- 
 the wound he received upon his groin.-— 
 "i ou may raife a fyftem to account for the 
 lofs of mv nofe by marriage-articleSj — and 
 fliew the world how it could happen, that 
 I fhould have the misfortune to be called 
 Tristram, in oppofition to my father's 
 hypothefis, and the vvifli of the whole fa- 
 mily, God-fathers and God-mothers not 
 excepted. — Thefe, v.'ith fifty other points 
 left yet unravelled, you may endeavour to 
 
 folve if you have time ; but I tell you 
 
 beforehand it will be in vain, for not the 
 fage Alqinfe^ the magician in Don Belianis- 
 of Greece^ nor the no lefs famous Urganda,. 
 the forcerefs his wife, (were they alive) 
 could pretend to come within a league of 
 the truth. 
 
 The
 
 ( 107 ) 
 The reader will be content to -wait for a- 
 full explanation of thefe matters till the 
 
 next year, when a feries of things will 
 
 be laid open which he little ex;pe£|:s. 
 
 CHAP. IX. 
 
 " r fViJh, Dr. Slop" quoth my uncle 
 
 Taby^ (repeating his wi{h for Dr. 
 Sl'jp a fecond time, and with a degree of 
 more zeal and earneftnefe m Kis manner of 
 wifhing, than he had wifhed at firft *) — — 
 *' I wijhy Dr. Slop.,'' quoth ,a?.y uncle Tol^y, 
 '* youhadfeen what prodigious armies we had 
 " in Flanders," 
 
 My uncle Tobys wifh did Dr. Slop a difTcr- 
 vice which his heart never intended any 
 
 man, Sir, it confounded him and 
 
 thereby putting his ideas firfl into confufion, 
 *■ Vide pag. 84. 
 
 and
 
 ( loS ) 
 
 then to flight, he could not rally them again 
 for the foul of him. 
 
 In all difputes, -male or female,—— 
 
 whether for honour, for profit, or for love, 
 —it makes no difference in the cafe j — no- 
 thing is more dangerous, Madam, than a 
 wifli coming lldevvays in this unexpected 
 manner upon a man : the fafeft way in ge- 
 neral to take off the force of the wifh, is for 
 the party wifli'd at, inftantly to get upon his 
 legs — and wifh the wijber fomething in re- 
 turn, of pretty near the fame value, fo 
 
 balancing the account upon the fpot, you 
 ftand as you were — nay fometimes gain the 
 advantage of the attack by it. 
 
 This will be fully illuftrated to the world 
 in my chapter of wifhes.— 
 
 Pr.
 
 ( IC9 } 
 
 Dr. Slop did not underftand the nature of 
 this defence; — he was puzzled with it, and 
 it put an entire ftop to the difpute for four 
 minutes and a half j— five had been fatal to 
 it : — my father faw the danger— the difpute 
 was one of the moft interefling difputes in 
 the world, " Whether the child of his pray- 
 ers and endeavours fhould be born without 
 a head or with one :" — he waited to thelaft 
 moment to allow Dr. Slop^ in whofe behalf 
 the wifh was made, his right of returning 
 it ; but perceiving, I fay, that he was con- 
 founded, and continued lookino- with that 
 perplexed vacuity of eye which puzzled fouls 
 generally ftare with — firfl: in my uncle Tobys 
 face — then in his — then up — then down — 
 then eaft — eafl: and by eaft, and fo on,- 
 coafting it along by the plinth of the wain- 
 fcot till he had got to the oppofite point of 
 
 the compafs, and that he had aiSlually 
 
 begun to count the brafs naiis upon the 
 
 arm
 
 ( ITO ) 
 
 arm of his chair, — my father thought there 
 was no time to be loft with my uncle Teby^ 
 fo took up the difcourfe as follows. 
 
 CHAP. X. 
 
 «* — "^ "IT THAT prodigious armies you' 
 ^^ " had in Fknder^r 
 
 Brother Tohy^ replied my father, taking 
 his wig from ofFhis head v/ith his right handy 
 and vt^ith his left pulling out a ftriped India 
 handkerchief from his right coat pocket, in 
 order to rub his head, as he argued the point 
 with my uncle Toly. 
 
 Now, in this I think my father was 
 much to blame J and I will give you my rea- 
 fons for it. 
 
 Matters of no more feeming confequence 
 iri'fhemfelvcs thanj ^^ ffhether my father 
 
 ■^\J)ould
 
 ( III ) 
 
 Jhouldhcrje talen off his wig with his right hand 
 
 or with his left" have divided the greateft 
 
 kingdoms, and made the crov^^ns of the mo- 
 narchs who governed them, to totter upon 
 
 their heads. Butneed I tell you, Sir, that 
 
 the circumftances with v/hich every thing in 
 this world is begirt, give every thing in this 
 world its fize and fhape ! — and by tightening 
 it, or relaxing it, this way or that, make the 
 thing to be, what it is — great — little — good 
 — bad — indifferent or not indifferent, juft 
 as the cafe happens? 
 
 As my father's India handkerchief was in 
 his right coat pocket, he fliould by no means 
 have fuffered his right hand to have got en- 
 gaged : on the contrary, inftead of taking off 
 his wig with it, as he did, he ought to have 
 committed that entirely to the left; and then, 
 when the natural exigency my father was 
 under of rubbing his head, called out for his 
 
 ■hTnd kerchief.
 
 ( 112 ) 
 
 handkerchief, he would have had nothin* in 
 the world to have done, but to have put his 
 right hand into his right coat pocket and 
 
 taken it out; which he might have done 
 
 without any violence, or the leaft ungrace- 
 ful twift in any one tendon or mufcle of his 
 whole body. 
 
 In this cafe (unlefs, indeed, myfatlierhad 
 been refolved to make a fool of bimfelf by 
 
 holdinG: the wig flifF in his left hand or 
 
 by making fome nonfenfical angle or otherat 
 his elbov/ joint, or arm-pit) — his whole atti- 
 tude had been eafy — natural unforced : 
 
 Reynolds himCtlf, as great and gracefully as 
 he paints, might have painted him as he fat. 
 
 Now as my father managed this matter, 
 — confider what a devil of a figure my father 
 made of himfelf. 
 
 in
 
 ( 113 ) 
 
 In the latter end of Queen Anne% J'^'gOj 
 and in the beginning of the reign of King 
 George the firft — " Coat pockets were cut very 
 low down in the Jkirt." — I need fay no more 
 —the father of mifchicf, had he been ham- 
 mering at it a month, could not have con- 
 trived a worfe fafhion for one in my father's 
 fituation. 
 
 C H A P. XI. 
 
 TT was not an eafy matter in any king's 
 ^ reign (unlefs you were as lean a fubje6l 
 as myfelf ) to have forced your hand diago- 
 nally, quice acrofs your whole body, fo as 
 to gain ths bottom of your oppofite coat 
 
 pocket. In the year one thoufand icvcn 
 
 hundred and eighteen, when this happened, 
 it was extremely difficult; (o that when my 
 uncle Toby difcovered the tranfverfe zig-zag- 
 gery of my father's approaches towards it, it 
 mftantly brought into his mind thofe he 
 Vol. II. II h".J
 
 ( "4 ) 
 
 had done duty in, before the gate of 5/. Ni' 
 
 cholas ; the idea of which drew off his 
 
 attention fo intirely from the fubjecl in de- 
 bate, that he had got his right hand to the 
 bell to ring up Trim to go and fetch his map 
 of Namur, and his compaffes and fector along 
 ■with it, to meafure the returning ancles of 
 the traverfes of that attack, — but particu- 
 larly of that one, v/here he received his 
 wound upon his groin. 
 
 My father knit his brows, and as he knit 
 them, all the blood in his body feemed to 
 
 rufli up into his face my uncle Toby dif- 
 
 mounted immediately. 
 
 1 did not apprehend your uncle Tohy 
 
 was o' horfcback.'— — — 
 
 CHAP,
 
 ( 115 ) 
 
 CHAP. XII. 
 
 A Man's body and his mind, with the 
 "^ ■*" utmoft reverence to both I fpeak it, 
 are exaiSlly like a jerkin, and a jerkin's lining; 
 — rumple the one, — you rumple the other. 
 There is one certain exception however in. 
 this cafe, and that is, when you are fo for- 
 tunate a fellow as to have had your jerkiii 
 made of gumtafFeta, and the body-lining to 
 it of a farcenet or thin perfian. 
 
 ZenOf Cleanthesy Diogenes Babylonlus^ Dyo~ 
 nyfiuSf Heracleotesy Antipater^ Panatius^ and 
 
 Pojfidonius amongfl: the Greeks; Cato and 
 
 Varro and Seneca amongft the Romans ; 
 
 Pantenus and Clemens Alexandrhius and Man-. 
 taigne amongft the Chriftians ; and a fcore 
 and a half of good, honcfl, unthinking Shan^ 
 dean people as ever lived, whofe names I 
 
 H 2 can't
 
 ( ii6 ) 
 
 can't recollect;,— all pretended that their jer- 
 kins were made after this fafliion, — - you 
 might have rumpled and crumpled, and 
 doubled and creafed, and fretted and fridged 
 
 the outfide of them all to pieces; -in 
 
 fhort, you might have played the very devil 
 •with them, and at the fame time, not one 
 of the infides of them would have been one 
 button the worfc, for all you had done to 
 them. 
 
 I believe in my confcience that mine is 
 
 made up fomewhat after this fort : for 
 
 never poor jerkin has been tickled ofF at 
 fuch a rate as it has been thefe laft nine 
 
 months together, and yet I declare, the 
 
 lining to it, - 'as far as I am a judge of 
 
 the matter, is not a three-penny piece 
 
 the worfe; — pell mell, belter (kelter, ding- 
 dong, cut and thrufl:, back flroke and fore 
 ilroke, fide way and long way, have they 
 
 beea
 
 ( "7 ) 
 
 heen trimming it for me : — had there been 
 the leaft gumminefs in my lining, — by hea- 
 ven ! it had all of it long ago been frayed- 
 and fretted to a thread. 
 
 You Meflrs. the Monthly review- 
 ers ! how could you cut and flafh my 
 
 jerkin as you did ? how did you know, 
 
 but you would cut my lining too ? 
 
 Heartily and from my foul, to the protec- 
 tion of that Being who will injure none of 
 us, do I recommend you and your affairs, — 
 fo God blefs you ; — only next month, if 
 any one of you fliould gnafh his teeth, and 
 florm and rage at me, as fome of you did 
 laft May (in which I remember the wea- 
 ther was very hot) — don't be exafperated, 
 if I pafs it by again with good temper, — • 
 being determined as long as 1 live or write 
 (which in my cafe means the fame thing) 
 
 H 3 never
 
 ( iig ) 
 
 never to give the honeft gentleman a worfe 
 word or a worfe wifti than my uncle Toby 
 gave the fly vi'hich buzz'd about his nofe all 
 
 dinner-time, -" Go, — go, poor devil," 
 
 quoth he, — *' get thee gone, — why fhould I 
 " hurt thee ? This world is furely wide 
 *' enough to hold both thee and me." 
 
 CHAP. xiir. 
 
 A NY man, Madam, reafoning upwards, 
 •^ -^ and obferving the prodigious fuffufion 
 of blood in my father's countenance, — by 
 means of which (as all the blood in his body 
 feemed to rufli into his face, as I told you) 
 he mud have reddened, pidlorically and fci- 
 entifically fpeaking, fix whole tints and a 
 half, if not a full o6lave above his natural 
 colour : — any man. Madam, but my un- 
 cle Toby^ who had obferved this, together 
 with the violent knitting of my father's 
 
 brows.
 
 ( 119 ) 
 
 brows, and the extravagant contortion of 
 his body during the whole affair, — would 
 have concluded my father in a rage j and 
 taking that for granted, — had he been a lo- 
 ver of fuch kind of concord as arifes from 
 two fuch inftruments being put in exact 
 tune, — he would inflantly have fkrew'd up 
 his, to the fame pitchy — and then the devil 
 and all had broke loofe — the whole piece,. 
 Madam, muft have been played off like the 
 fixth of Avifon Scarlatti — con furia^ — like 
 
 mad. — Grant me patience! What has 
 
 con furl a., con JlrepitOy or any other 
 
 hurly burly whatever to do with harmony? 
 
 Any man, I fay. Madam, but my uncle 
 ^obyy the benignity of whofe heart inter- 
 preted every motion of the body in the 
 kindeft fenfe the motion would admit of, 
 would have concluded my father angry, and 
 blamed him too. My uncle Toby blamed" 
 
 II 4. nothing
 
 ( 120 ) 
 
 nothing but the taylor who cut the pocket- 
 hole; {b fitting ftill till my father had 
 
 got his handkerchief out of it, and look- 
 ing all the time up in his face with inex- 
 
 preffible good will my father at length 
 
 went on as fellows. 
 
 C H A P. XIV. 
 
 C( 
 
 HAT pr»«Iigious armies you 
 " had in Flanders .'" 
 
 — — Brother Toby, quoth my father, I 
 do believe thee to be as honeft a man, and 
 with as good and as upright a heart as ever 
 God created ; — nor is it thy fault, if all the 
 children which have been, may, can, fhall, 
 will, or ought to be begotten, come with 
 
 their heads foremoft intotheworld : but 
 
 believe me, dear Toby, the accidents which 
 unavoidably way- lay them, not only in 
 
 the
 
 ( I^I ) 
 
 the article of our begetting 'em,— —though 
 thefe, in my opinion, are well worth con- 
 
 fidering, but the dangers and difficulties 
 
 our children are befet with, after they are got 
 forth into the world, are enow, — little need 
 is there to expofe them to unneceflary ones 
 
 in their paflage to it. Are thefe dangers, 
 
 quoth my uncle Toby^ laying his hand upon 
 my father's knee, and looking up ferioufly 
 in his face for an anfwer, are thefe dan- 
 gers greater now o'days, brother, than in 
 times pafl? Brother Toby^ anfwered my fa- 
 ther, if a child was but fairly begot, and 
 born alive, and healthy, and the mother did 
 well after it, — our forefathers never looked 
 farther. - 'My uncle 1'oby inftantly with- 
 drew his hand from off my father's knee, re- 
 clined his body gently back in his chair, 
 raifed his head till he couKl jufl: fee the cor- 
 nice of the room, and then directing the 
 buccinatory mulclcs along his checks, and 
 
 the
 
 ( I" ) 
 
 the orbicular mufcles around his lips to do 
 their duty— he whiftled Lillabullero, 
 
 CHAP. XV. 
 
 'HILST my uncle Tc^j was whift- 
 ling Lillabullero to my father, — Dr. 
 Slop was ftamping, and curfing and damning 
 
 at Obadiah at a moft dreadful rate,—— it 
 
 would have done your heart good, and cured 
 you, Sir, for ever of the vile fin of fwearing, 
 to have heard him. — I am determined there- 
 fore to relate the whole affair to you. 
 
 When Dr. Slop's maid delivered the green 
 bays bag, with her mafter's inirruments in 
 it, to Obadiah, fhe very fenfibly exhorted 
 him to put his head and one arm through the 
 firings, and ride with it flung acrofs his bo- 
 dy : fo undoing the bow-knot, to lengthen 
 the firings for him, without any more ado, 
 
 fiift
 
 ( '23 ) 
 
 {he helped him on with it. However, as 
 this, in fome meafure, unguarded the mouth 
 of the bag, left any thing fhould bolt out in 
 galloping back, at the fpeed Obadiah threa- 
 tened, they confulted to take it ofF again : 
 and in the great care and caution of their 
 hearts, they had taken the two firings and 
 tied them clofe (purfing up the mouth o^ the 
 bag firft) with half a dozen hard knots, each 
 of which Obadiah, to make all fafe, had 
 twitched and drawn together with all the 
 firength of his body. 
 
 This anfwered all that Obadiah and the 
 maid intended j but was no remedy againft 
 fome evils which neither he or {lie forefaw. 
 The inftrumcnts, it feems, as tight as the bag 
 was tied above, had fo much room to play in 
 it, towards the bottom (the {hape of the bag 
 being conical) that Obadiah could not make 
 a trot of it, but with fuch a terrible J!n\;le, 
 
 what
 
 ( 124 ) 
 
 what with the tire tete^ forceps^ ^nAfquirt, as 
 would have been enough, had Hymen been 
 taking a jaunt that way, to have frightened 
 hin\ out of the country ; but when Obadiah 
 accelerated this motion, and from a plain 
 trot aflayed to prick his coach- horfe into a 
 
 full gallop- by Heaven! Sir, the jingle 
 
 was incredible. 
 
 As Obadiah had a wife and three children 
 
 •the turpitude of fornication, and the 
 
 many other political ill confequences of this 
 
 jingling, never once entered his brain, 
 
 he had however his objedion, which came 
 home to himfelf, and weighed with him, as 
 it has oft-times done with the greateft pa- 
 triots.——" The poor fellow^ Sir, was not able 
 to htar hitnfelf whijik" 
 
 CHAP.
 
 ( 125 ) 
 
 CHAP. XVI. 
 
 A S Obadiahloved wind-mufic preferably 
 ■*• -^ to all the inftrutnental mufic he 
 carried with him, — he very confiderately fet 
 "his imagination to work, to contrive and to 
 invent by what means he fhould put himfcif 
 in a condition of enjoying it. 
 
 In all diftrefles (except mufical) where 
 fmall cords are wanted, nothing is fo apt to 
 
 enter a man's head as his hat-band : the 
 
 philofophy of this is fo near the furface-— 
 I fcorn to enter into it. 
 
 As Obadiah's was a mix'd cafe mark. 
 
 Sirs, 1 fay, a mixed cafe 3 for it was ob- 
 
 ftetrical,— — yc?-//)-tical, fquirtical, papiftical 
 •——and as far as thecoach-horfe was con- 
 cerned in it,"— — caball-iftical and only 
 
 partly
 
 ( 126 ) 
 
 partly mufical ; — Obad'iah made no fcruplc 
 of availing himfelf of the lirft expedient 
 which offered ; fo taking hold of the bag 
 and inftrumcnts, and griping them hard to- 
 gether with one hand, and with the finger 
 and thumb of the other putting the end of 
 the hat-band betwixthis teeth, and then fiip- 
 .ping his hand down to the middle of it, — 
 lie tied and crofs-tied them all faft together 
 from one end to the other (as you would cord 
 a trunk) with fuch a multiplicity of round- 
 abouts and intricate crofs turns, with a hard 
 knot at every interfe6lion or point where the 
 ilrings met, — that Dr. Slop muft have had 
 three fifths of Jofs patience at leafl to have 
 unloofed them. — I think in my confcience, 
 that had Nature been in one of her nim^ 
 bie moods, and in humour for fuch a conteft 
 and {he and Dr. Slop both fairly ftarted 
 
 together there is no man living who had 
 
 kQi\ the bag with all that Obacliah had done 
 
 6 to
 
 ( 127 ) 
 
 to it, — and known likewife the great fpeed 
 the Goddefs can make when fhe thinks pro- 
 per, who would have had the leaft doubt 
 
 remaining in his mind which of the two 
 
 would have carried off the prize. My mo- 
 ther. Madam, had been delivered fooner 
 than the green bag infallibly—— at leaft by 
 
 twenty knots.'- Sport of fmall accidents, 
 
 Trijiram Shandy ! that thou art, and ever 
 will be ! had that trial been for thee, and it 
 
 was fifty to one but it had, thy affairs 
 
 had not been fo deprefs'd — (at leaft by the 
 ■depreflion of my nofe) as they have been ; 
 nor had the fortunes of thy houfe and the 
 cccafions of making them, which have fo 
 often prefcnted themfelves in the courfe of 
 thy life, to thee, been fo often, fovexatioufly, 
 fo tamely, fo irrecoverably abandoned — as 
 thou haft been forced to leave them ; ——but 
 
 'tis over, all but the account of 'em, 
 
 which
 
 ( 128 ) 
 
 which cannot be given to the curious till I 
 am got out into the world. 
 
 CHAP. XVIi. 
 
 y^ RE AT wits jump: for the moment 
 ^^-^ Dr. Slop caft his eyes upon his bag 
 (which he had not done till the difpute with 
 iny uncle Toby about midwifery put him in 
 mind of it) — the very fame thought occur- 
 red. — 'Tis God's mercy, quoth he (to him- 
 felf ) that Mrs. Shandy has had fo bad a time 
 of it,— — elfe fhe might have been brought 
 to bed fevcn times told, before one half of 
 
 thefe knots could have got untied. But 
 
 here, you muft diftinguifh — the thought 
 floated only in Dr. Slop's mind, without fail 
 or ballaft to it, as a fimple proportion ; mil- 
 lions of which, as your worfliip knows, are 
 every day fwimming quietly in the middle 
 of the thin juice of a man's underftanding, 
 
 ' without
 
 ( 1^9 ) 
 
 without being carried backwards or for- 
 wards, till feme little gufts of paflion or in- 
 terefl; drive them to one fide. 
 
 A fudden trampling in the room above, 
 near my mother's bed, did the propofition 
 the very fervice I am fpeaking of. By all 
 that's unfortunate, quoth Dr. Skp^ unlefs 
 I make hafte, the thing will aftually befall 
 me as it is. 
 
 CHAP. XVIII. 
 
 'T^N the cafe of kmts.^ — by which, in the 
 -^ firfl: place, I would not be underftood to 
 mean flip-knots — becaufe in the courfe of my 
 life and opinions — my opinions concerning 
 them will come in more properly when I 
 mention the cataftrophc of my great uncle 
 Mr. HammondShandy^ — alittle man, — but of 
 high fancy: — herufliedintothedukeofil/<?«- 
 VoL. If. I mouth's
 
 ( 13° ) 
 
 mouth's affair : ———nor, fecondly, in this 
 place, do I mean that particular fpecies of 
 knots called bow-knots ; — there is (o little 
 addrefs, or (kill, or patience required in the 
 unloofing them, that they are below my giv- 
 ing any opinion at all about them. — But by 
 the knots I am fpeaking of, may it pieafe 
 your reverences to believe, that I mean good, 
 honeft, devililh tight, hard knots, made. ^5- 
 
 na fidcy as Obadiah made hisj in which 
 
 there is no quibbling provifion made by the 
 duplication and return of the two ends of 
 the ftrings thro' the annulus or noofe made 
 by the fecond implication of them — to get 
 
 them flipp'd and undone by. 1 hope 
 
 you apprehend me. 
 
 In the cafe of thefe knots then, and of the 
 feveral obftru6lions, which, may it pleafe 
 your reverences, fuch knots caft in our way 
 in getting through life— —every hally man 
 
 can
 
 ( ^r^ ) 
 
 ©fen whip out his penknife and cut through 
 
 tfeem. 'Tis wrong. Believe me, Sirs, 
 
 the moil virtuousvvay, and which both rea- 
 
 fon and confcience dictate is to take our 
 
 teeth or our f.ngcrs ta ^hem.« -Dr. Skp 
 had loft his teeth — his favourite inftrument, 
 by extradling in a wrong direction, or, by 
 fomc mifapplication of it, unfortunately 
 flipping, he had formerly, in a hard labour, 
 knock'd out three of the b'^ft of them with 
 
 the handle of it: he tried his fingers 
 
 — alas; the nails of his fingers and thumbs 
 were cut clofe. ■ ■ The duce take it ! I can 
 make nothing of it either way, cried Dr. 
 SJop.- The trampling over head near my 
 mother's bed-fide increafed. — Pox take the 
 fellow ! I fliall never get the knots untied as 
 
 long as I live. My mother gave a groan. 
 
 Lend me your penknife 1 mufte'en 
 
 <5ut the knots at laft pugh .'-^ pfha! 
 
 — Lord ! I have cut my thumb quite acrofs 
 
 I 2 t«
 
 ( 132 ) 
 
 to the very bone curfe the fellow — if 
 
 there was not another man-midwife within 
 
 fifty miles 1 am undone for this bout — 
 
 I wifh the fcoundrel hansi'd — I wifh he was 
 
 fnot 1 wifh all the devils in hell had him 
 
 for a blockhead ! 
 
 My father had a great refpedlfor Obadlah^ 
 and could not bear to hear him difpofed of in 
 fuch a manner — he had moreover fome little 
 refpedt for bimfelf— and eould as ill bear 
 with the indignity offered to himfelf in it. 
 
 Had Dr. Slop cut any part about him, but 
 
 his thumb my father had pafs'd it by — 
 
 his prudence had triumphed : as it was, he 
 was determined to have his revenge. 
 
 Small curfes, Dr. Slop^ upon great occa- 
 fions, quoth mj father (condoling with him 
 firft upon the accident) are but fo much wafte 
 
 of
 
 ( 133 ) 
 
 ef ourftrength and foul's health to no man- 
 ner of purpofe. — -I own it, replied Dr. Slcp. — 
 Xhey are like fparrow-fhot, quoth my uncle 
 Toby (fufpending his whirling) nred againft 
 
 a baftion. They ferve, continued my 
 
 father, to flir the humours but carry ofF 
 
 none of their acrimony : — for my own part, 
 I fcldom fwear or curfe at all — I hold it bad 
 but if I fall into it by furprize, I ge- 
 nerally retain fo much prcfence of mind 
 (right, quoth my uncle Toby) as to make it 
 
 anfwcr my purpofe that is, I fv/ear on 
 
 till I find myfelf eafy. A wife and a juft man 
 however would always endeavour to pro- 
 portion the vent given to thefe humours, not 
 only to the degree of them Airring within 
 himfelf — but to the fize and ill intent of the 
 off'cnce upon which they arc to fall. — '* In- 
 *' juries come only from the heart^'^ — quoth my 
 uncle Toby. For this reafon, continued my 
 father, with the moft Ccrvantick gravity, I 
 
 I 3 have
 
 ( 13:4 ) 
 
 have the greatcft veneration in the world fdr 
 that gentleman, who, in diftruft of his own 
 difcretion in this point, fat down and com- 
 pofed (that is at his leifure) fit forms of 
 fwcarinsf fuitable to all cafes, from the loweA 
 to the highefl provocations which could pof- 
 fibly happen to him' -which forms being 
 well confidered by him, and fuch moreover as 
 he could ftand to, he kept them ever by him 
 on the chimney-piece, within his reach, 
 ready for ufe. — 1 never apprehended, re- 
 plied Dr. Slop^ that fuch a thing was ever 
 thought of-— — much lefs executed. I beg 
 your pardon, anfwered my father; I was 
 reading, though not ufing, one of them to 
 my brother Toby this morning, whilft he 
 pour'd out the tea — 'tis here upon the fhelf 
 over my head; — but if I remember right, 
 'tis too violent for a cut of the thumb.— 
 Not at all, quoth Dr. Slop — the devil take 
 
 the fellow. Then anfwered my father, 
 
 'Tis
 
 ( 135 ) 
 'Tis much at your fervice, Dr. Slop — on 
 condition you will read it aloud ; fo fi- 
 fing up and reaching down a form of excom- 
 munication of the church of Rome-, a copy 
 of which, my father (who was curious in 
 his colleftions) had procured out of the le- 
 ger-book of the church of Rochejler, writ 
 
 by Ernulphus the bifhop with a moft 
 
 affe£led ferioufnefs of look and voice, which 
 might have cajoled Ernulphus himfelf— 
 
 he put it into Dr. Slop's hands. Dr. Slop 
 
 wrapt his thumb up in the corner of his 
 handkerchief, and with a wry face, though 
 without any fufpicion, read aloud, as fol- 
 lows my uncle 'Toby whiftling Ltlla- 
 
 hullero as loud as he could all the time. 
 
 I 4 Textus
 
 ( 13^ ) 
 
 Textus de Ecclefia RofFenfi, per Ernulfura 
 Epifcopum. 
 
 C A P. XIX. 
 EXCOMMUNICATIO. 
 
 "TpX auiSloritate Dei omnipotentis. Pa- 
 ■r-:^^ tris, ,et Filij, et Spiritus San6ti, et 
 faniSlorurn canonum, fandseque et ente- 
 mtiatse Virginis Dei genetricis Mariaej— 
 
 — A'tquc- 
 
 As the genuinenefs of the confultation of the Sorhonm 
 Upon the queftion of baptifm, was doubted by fortie, and 
 
 denied by others 'twas thought proper to print the 
 
 original of this excommunication; for the copy of which 
 Mr. Shandy returns thanks to the chapter clerk of the 
 deap and chapter of Roch*Jier„
 
 ( ^37 ) 
 
 CHAP. XX. 
 
 " OY the authority of God Almighty^. 
 ■^ " the Father, Son, and Holy Ghoft, 
 *' and of the holy canons, and of the un-: 
 *' defiled Virgin Mary, mother and patro- 
 *' nefs of our Saviour." I think there is 
 no neccflity, quoth Dr. Slop, dropping the 
 paper down to his knee, and addreiling 
 
 "himfclf to my father as you have read 
 
 it over, Sir, fo lately, to read it aloud 
 
 and as Captain Shandy fecms to have no 
 
 great inclination to hear it 1 may as 
 
 well read it to myfelf. That's contrary to 
 
 treaty, replied my father : befides, there 
 
 is fomcthing fo v/himfical, cfpecially in- 
 the latter part of it, I fhould grieve to 
 lofe the pleafure of a fccond reading. Dr. 
 
 Slop did not altogether like it, but my 
 
 uncle Toby offering at that inftant to give 
 
 over
 
 ( ^38 ) 
 
 ■Atque omnium coeleftium vir- 
 tutum, angelorum, archangelorum, thro- 
 norum, dominationum, poteftatuum, che- 
 rubin ac feraphin, & fan£i:orum patriar- 
 chum., prophetarum, & omnium apoftolo- 
 rum & evangeliftarum, & fanilorum in- 
 nocentum, qui in ccnfpedlu Agni foil 
 
 digni-
 
 C 159 ) 
 
 •ver whiftling, and read it himfelf to them; 
 
 Dr. Slop thought he might as well 
 
 read it under the cover of my uncle Toby's 
 
 whiftling as fufFer my uncle Toby to 
 
 read it alone; fo raifmg up the paper 
 
 to his face, and holding it quite parallel 
 
 to it, in order to hide his chagrin rie 
 
 read it aloud as follows my uncle Toby 
 
 whiftling Lillabullero, though not quite fo 
 loud as before. 
 
 " By the authority of God Almighty, 
 " the Father, Son, and Holy Ghoft, and 
 *' of the undefiled Virgin Mary^ mother 
 *' and patronefs of our Saviour, and of 
 *' all the celeftial virtues, angels, arch- 
 ** angels, thrones, dominions,' powers, che- 
 *' rubins and feraphins, and of all the holy 
 ** patriarchs, prophets, and of all the apo- 
 *' ftles and evangelifts, and of the hofy 
 *' innocents, who in the fight of the Holy 
 
 •' Lamb,.
 
 { 140 ) 
 
 digni inventi funt cantjcum cantare no-- 
 vum, et fanftorum martyium, et fanc- 
 torurh confefToruir, et fanclarum virgi- 
 num, ai(]ue omp.ium fi.r.ul fandlorum et 
 
 ele£lorum Dei, Excqmmunicamus, et 
 
 vel OS s vel os 
 
 anathematizamus hunc furem, vel hunc 
 
 s 
 maIera£lorem, N. N. et a liminlbus fanc- 
 tae Dei ecclefiae fequeftramus, et aeternis 
 
 vel i n 
 
 fuppliciis excruciandus, mancipetur, cum; 
 Dathan et Abiram, et cum his qui dixe- 
 runt Domino Deo, Recede a nobis, fcien- 
 tiam viarum tuarum nolumus : et ficut 
 aqua ignis extinguitur, fic extinguatur 
 
 Weorum 
 lucerna ejus in fecula feculorum nifi refque- 
 
 rit, etad fatisfadionem venerit. Amen. 
 
 Mais-
 
 i 141 ) 
 
 •^^ Lamb, are found worthy to fing the 
 
 "' new fong ot the holy martyrs and holy 
 
 " confeflbrs, and of the holy virgins, and 
 
 *' of all the faints together, with the holy 
 
 «' and eka of God. May he," (Oba~ 
 
 diah) " be damn'd," (for tying thefe 
 
 j^nots) " We excommunicate, and ana- 
 
 '« thematife him, and from the threfholds 
 " of the holy church of God Almighty we 
 « fequefter him, that he may be torment- 
 " ed, difpofed, and delivered over with 
 " Dathan and Abiram^ and with thofe 
 " who fay unto the Lord God, Depart 
 »' from us, we defire none of thy ways. 
 " And as fire is quenched with water, fo 
 " let the light of him be put out for ever- 
 *' more, unlefs it fhall repent him" {Oba' 
 diah, of the knots which he has ti.d) 
 " and make fatisfadion" (for tliem.) " A- 
 *' men." 
 
 « 
 
 Ma/
 
 C M^ ) 
 
 OS 
 
 Maledicat ilium Deus Pater qui homl- 
 
 os 
 nem crcavit. Maledicat ilium Dei Filius 
 qui pro homine palFus eft. Maledicat il- 
 -os 
 lum Spiritus Sarnflus qui in baptifmo efFu- 
 
 os 
 fus eft. Maledicat ilium fan6ta crux, quam 
 Chriftuspro noftrafalutehoftem triumphans 
 afcendit, 
 
 OS 
 
 Maledicat ilium fandta Del genetrix et 
 
 OS 
 
 perpetua Virgo Maria. Maledicat ilium 
 fanflus Michael, animarum fufceptor fa- 
 
 os 
 craruna. Maledicant ilium omnes angeli 
 et archangeli, principatus et poteftates, om- 
 ■siifque militia cccleftis. 
 
 Male-
 
 { U3 ) 
 
 " May the Father who created man, 
 
 " curfc him. May the Son who fufFered 
 
 «'• for us, curfe him. May the Holy 
 
 " Ghoft, who was given to us in baptifm, 
 
 *' curfe him (Obadiah,) May the holy 
 
 " crofs which Chrift, For our falvation tri- 
 *' umphing over his enemies, afcended, 
 *' curfe him. 
 
 ^31 
 
 siuM 
 
 ** May the holy and eternal Virgin Ma- 
 ** ry, mother of God, curfe him. — 
 
 " May St. JUlichael^ the advocate of holy 
 ** fouls, curfe him. May all the angels 
 ** and archangels, principalities and pow- 
 ** ers, and all the heavenly armies, curfe 
 ** him." [Our armies fwore terribly in 
 
 Flanders^ cried my uncle Toby^ but 
 
 nothing to this. For my own part 
 
 I could not have a heart to curfe my dog 
 fo.] 
 
 " May
 
 ( 144 ) 
 
 OS 
 
 Maledicat ilium patriarcharum et pro- 
 phetarum laudabilis numerus. Maledicat 
 
 OS 
 
 ilium fancius Johann«3 Prsecurfor et Bap- 
 tiila Chrifti, et fancfiius Petrus, et fancSlus 
 Paulus, atque fandus Andreas, omnefque 
 Chrilli apoftoli, fimul et csteri difcipulij 
 quatuor quoque evangelifias, qui fua pras- 
 dicatione mundum univerfum converterunt. 
 
 OS 
 
 Maledicat ilium cuneus martyrum et con- 
 feflbrum mirificus, qui Deo bonis operibus 
 placitus inventus eft. 
 
 OS 
 
 Maledicant ilium facrarum virginum cho- 
 ri, quas mundi vana caufa honoris Chrifti 
 
 OS 
 
 refpuenda contcmpferunt. Maledicant illuin 
 
 omnes fandi qui ab initio mundi ufque in 
 
 .finem feculi Deo diledi inveniuntur. 
 
 5 Male-
 
 
 ( 145 ) 
 *' May St. John, the Prascurfor, and 
 ** St. John the Baptift, and St. Peter 
 ** and St. Paul, and St. Andrew, and all 
 ** other Chrift's apoftles, together curfe 
 " him. And may the reft of his difci- 
 ples and four evangelifts, who by their 
 preaching converted the univerfal world, 
 *' and may the holy and wonderful com- 
 *' pany of martyrs and confefTors, who 
 •" by their holy works are found pleafing 
 -" to God Almighty, curfe him" (Qba~ 
 " diah.) 
 
 *' May the holy choir of the holy vir- 
 ** gins, who for the honour of Chrift 
 ** have defpifed the things of the world, 
 
 *' damn him. May all the faints, who 
 
 ** from the beginning of the world to 
 *' everlafting ages are found to be belov- 
 *' ed of God, damn him.— ——A'l ay the 
 
 Vol. 11. K *' hea-
 
 ( 146 ) 
 
 OS 
 
 Maledicant ilium coeli et terra, et omnia 
 fandla in eis manentia. 
 
 i n n 
 
 Maledictus fit ubicunque fuerit, five in 
 dome, five in agro, five in via, five in fe- 
 mita, five in filva, five in aqua, five in 
 ccclefia. 
 
 i n 
 Maledi(5tus fit vivendo, moriendo,— — 
 
 iTianducando, bibendo, efuriendo, fitien- 
 do, jejunando, dormitando, dormiendo, 
 TJgilando, ambulando, ftando, fedendo, 
 
 jaeendoj
 
 ( 147 ) 
 
 " heavens and earth, and all the holy things 
 " remaining therein, damn him," [Oha- 
 diah) " or her," (or whoever elfe had a 
 hand in tying thefc knots.) 
 
 *' May he {Obad'iah) be damn'd vi^here- 
 
 *' ever he be vv^hether in the houfe or 
 
 *' the ftables, the garden or the field, or 
 *' the highway, or in the path, or in the 
 " wood, or in the water, or in the church. 
 
 " May he be curfed in living, in dy- 
 
 *' '"§•" [Here my uncle Toby, taking the 
 advantage of a minim in the fecond barr of 
 his tune, kept whiftling or.c continual 
 
 note to the end of the fcntcnce. Dr. 
 
 Slop, with his divifion of curfcs moving 
 under him, like a running bafs all the 
 way.] " May he be curfed in eating and 
 *' drinking, in being hungry, in being 
 *' thirfty, in fafting, in fleeping, in flumbcr- 
 *' ing, in walking, in Handing, in fitting, in 
 
 K 2 • " lyi:ig,
 
 ( h8 ) 
 
 jacendo, operando, quiefccndo, mingendo, 
 ■cacando, fiebotomando. 
 
 i n 
 
 Maledidus fit in toils viriUus corporis. 
 
 i n 
 
 Maledi(51us fit intus et exterius. 
 
 i n 
 
 Maledictus fit in capillis j maledicliis 
 
 n i n 
 
 fit in cerebro. Ma!edi6tus fit in vertice, 
 in temporibus, In fronte, in auriculis, in 
 fuperciliis, in oculis, in genis, in niaxil- 
 lis, in naribus, in dentibus, mordacibus, 
 in labris five molibus, in labiis, in gut- 
 tcre, in humeris, in harnis, in brachiis, in 
 nianubus, in digitis, in peciore, in cordc, 
 
 er
 
 ( H9 } 
 
 ** lying. In working, in refting, in pifiing, 
 *' in fhitting, and in blood-letting! 
 
 " May he" {Ohadlah) " be curfed in all 
 ** the faculties of his body ! 
 
 ** May he be curfed inwardly and cut- 
 
 ** wardly ! — ■ May he be curfed in the 
 
 " hair of his head ! May he be curfed 
 
 *' in his brains, and in his vertex," (that 
 is a fad curfe, quoth my father) *' in his 
 *' temples, in his forehead, in his ears, 
 *' in his eye-brows, in his cheeks, in his 
 *' jaw-bones, in his noftrils, in his fore- 
 " teeth and grinders, in his lips, in his 
 *' throat, in his fhoulders, in his wrifts, 
 '^' In his arms, in hU- hands, in his 
 '* fingers ! 
 
 4.i 
 
 May he be damn'J In his mouth, in- 
 K 3 " his.
 
 ( ISO ) 
 
 ct in. omnibus interioribus ftomacho tenus, 
 in renibus, in inguinibus, in femore, ia 
 genitalibus, in coxis, in genubus, in cru- 
 ribus, in pedibus, et in unguibus. 
 
 Malcdidlus fit in totis compaglbus mem- 
 biorum, a vertlce capitis, ufque ad plan- 
 tain pedis— non fit in eo fanitas. 
 
 Maledicat ilium Chriftus Filius Dei vivi 
 toto fuas majeftatis imperio. — ■—r~-
 
 ( 151 ) 
 
 ^* his bread, in his heart and purtenance, 
 ** down to the very ftomach ! 
 
 ** May he be curfed in his reins, and in 
 *' his groin," (God in heaven forbid ! quoth 
 my uncle Toby) *' in his thighs, in his ge- 
 ** nitals," (my father fhoolc his head) 
 " and in his hips, and in his knees, his legs,. 
 ** and feet, and toe-nails ! 
 
 « 
 
 May he be curfed in all the joints and 
 " articulations of his members, from the 
 ** top of his head to the fole of his foot ! 
 *' May there be no foundnefs in him ! 
 
 " May the Son of the living God, with 
 
 " all the glory of his Majcfty" [Here 
 
 my uncle Toby.^ throwing back his head, 
 gave a monflrous, long, loud Whew — w — 
 W-— — — fomething betwixt the inter- 
 
 K^ 4., jCi?ticr.a.l;
 
 ( 153 ) 
 
 jc6lional whiflle of Hey day ! and the word 
 itfelf. 
 
 By the golden beard of Jupiter — and' 
 o^ 'Juno (if her majefty wore one) and by 
 the beards of the reft of your heathen wor- 
 Ihips, which by the bye was no fmall num- 
 ber, fince what with the beards of your 
 ccleftial gods, and gods aerial and aqua- 
 tick — to fay nothing; of the beards of town- 
 gods and country-gods, or of the celeftial 
 goddefles your wives, or of the infernal' 
 goddefies your whores and concubines (that 
 
 is in cafe they wore them) all which 
 
 beards, as Varro tells me, upon his w^ord 
 and honour, when muftered up together, 
 made no lefs than thirty thoufand efFccStive 
 
 beards upon the Pagan eftabliflimcnt j *- 
 
 every beard of which claimed the rights and 
 privileges of being ftrokcd and fworn by — 
 
 by all thefc beards together then 1 vow 
 
 and
 
 ( 154 ) 
 
 — — -et infurgat adverfus ilium coelum 
 cum omnibus virtutibus quae in eo moven- 
 tur ad damnandum eum, nifi penituerit et 
 ad fatisfadionem venerit. Amen. Fiat, 
 iiat. Amen,
 
 C 155 ) 
 
 and proteft, that of the tv/o bad cafTocks I 
 am worth in the world, I would have given 
 the better of them, as freely as ever G'td 
 
 Hamet offered his to have ftood by, and. 
 
 heard my uncle Tobys accompanyment. 
 
 " curfe him !" — continued Dr. Slop, 
 
 — '* and may heaven, with all the pov/ers 
 *' which move therein, rife up againft him, 
 *' curfe and damn him" [Obadiah) "' unlefs 
 *' he repent and make fatisfacftion ! Amen. 
 
 " So be it, — fo be it. Amen, 
 
 j> 
 
 I declare, quoth my unclcTohy, my heart, 
 would not let me curfe the devil himfelf' 
 with fo much bitternefs. — He is the fathei- 
 
 of curfes, replied Dr. Slop. So am not 
 
 I, replied my uncle But he is curfcd, 
 
 and damn'd already, to all eternity, replied 
 Dr. Slop. 
 
 10 I Am
 
 ( 156 ) 
 T am forry for it, quoth my uncle Tohy, 
 
 Dr. Slop drew up his mouth, and was 
 juft beginning to return my uncle Tohy the 
 compliment of his Whu— u — u— or inter- 
 
 je^ional whiftle when the door haftily 
 
 opening in the next chapter but one 
 
 put an end to the affair.. 
 
 CHAP. xxr. 
 
 TVy O W don't let us give ourfelves .a 
 -*- ^ parcel of airs^ and pretend that the 
 oaths we make free with in this land of li- 
 berty of ours are our own ; and becaufe we 
 
 have the fpirit to fwear them, imagine 
 
 that we have had the wit to invent them 
 too.. 
 
 I'll undertake this moment to prove it to 
 any man in tJie world, except to a connoif- 
 
 feur ;
 
 ( ^57 ) 
 
 fcur : though I declare I obje£l only to 
 
 aconnoifleur in fwearing, as I would da 
 
 to a connoifleur in painting, &c. &c. the 
 
 whole fet of 'em are (o hung round and he- 
 
 feti/h'd with the bobs and trinkets of criti- 
 
 cifm, or to drop my metaphor, which 
 
 by the bye is a pity,- for I have fetch'J 
 
 it as far as from the coaft of Giiiney \ — their 
 heads. Sir, are (luck fo full of rules and 
 ccmpafl'es, and have that eternal propenflty 
 to apply them upon ail occafions, that a 
 work of genius had better go to the devil at 
 once, than ftand to be prick'd and tortured 
 to death by 'em. 
 
 — And how did Garrick fpeak the folilo- 
 ■quy laft night ? — Oh, againft all rule, my 
 lord,^ — moft ungrammatically ! betwixt the 
 fubrtantivc and the adjective, which fhould 
 agree together in number^ cafe., and gender^ 
 he inade a breach thus, — Aopping, as if the 
 
 point
 
 ( 158 ) 
 
 point wanted fettling ; — and betwixt the 
 nominative cafe, which your lordfliip knows 
 ihould govern the verb, he fufpended his 
 voice in the epilogue a dozen times, three 
 ■feconds and three fifths by a flop- watch, my 
 lord, each time. — Admirable grammarian ! 
 
 But in fufpending his voice was the 
 
 fenfe fufpended likewife? Did noexpreffion 
 of attitude or countenance fill upthechafm? 
 
 Was the eye filent ? Did you narrowly 
 
 look? 1 look'd only at the ftop-watch, 
 
 my lord. — Excellent obferver I 
 
 And what of this new book the whole 
 
 world makes fuch a rout about ? Oh ! 
 
 'tis out of all plumb, my lord, quire an 
 
 irregular thing ! — not one of the angles at 
 the four corners was a right angle. — I had 
 my rule and compaiTes, &c. my lord, in my 
 pocket. — Excellent critic ! 
 
 —-And
 
 ( 159 ) 
 
 ——And for the epic poem your lordfliip 
 
 ■bid me look at upon taking the length, 
 
 breadth, height, and depth of it, and trying 
 them at home upon an exa£l fcale of Bojfus 
 'tis out, my lord, in every one of its 
 dimenfions. — Admirable connoifleur ! 
 
 ——And did you ftep in, to take a look 
 at the grand picture in your way back ? — 
 'Tis a melancholy daub ! my lord ; not one 
 .principal of the pyramid \n any one group ! 
 . and what a price! for there is no- 
 thing of the colouring of Titiari the ex- 
 
 prefiion of Rulem the grace of Raphael 
 
 — the purity of Dominicbino — the correglefcity 
 of Correg'io — the learning of PsuJ/ln— 'the 
 airs of Guido — the tafle of the Carrachls 
 — or the grand contour of Angela — Grant 
 me patience, juft Heaven ! — Of all the cants 
 which are canted in this canting world— 
 though the cant of hypocrites may be the 
 
 worft
 
 ( i6o ) 
 
 worft the cant of criticifm is the moft 
 
 tormenting ! 
 
 I would go fifty miles on foot, for Ihavc 
 not a horfe worth riding on, to kifs the hand 
 ■of that man whofe generous heart will eive 
 up the reins of his imagination into his au- 
 thor's hands be pleafed he knows not 
 
 why, and cares not wherefore. 
 
 Great Jpollo ! if thou art in a giving hu- 
 mour — give me — I aflc no more, but one 
 flroke of native humour, with afingle fpark 
 of thy own fire along with it - and fend 
 Mercury^ with the rules and compajfes^ if he 
 can be fpared, with my compliments to — no 
 matter. 
 
 Now to any one elfe I will undertake to 
 prove, that all the oaths and imprecations 
 which we have been puffing off upon the 
 
 world
 
 ( i6i ) 
 
 world for thefe two hundred and fifty yeari 
 laft paft as originals — except St. Paul's thumb 
 '— -God's pjh and God's fijh, which were 
 oaths monarchical, and, confidering who 
 made them, not much amifs ; and as kings 
 oaths, 'tis not much matter whether they 
 were fifh or flefli ; — elfe I fay, there is not 
 an oath, or at leaft a curfe amongft them, 
 which has not been copied over and over 
 again out of Ernulphus a thoufand times : but, 
 like all other copies, how infinitely fhort of 
 the force and fpirit of the original ! — It is 
 
 thought to be no bad oath and by itfelf 
 
 pafles very well — " G — d damn you." — Set it 
 
 befide Ernulphus's " God Almighty the 
 
 Father damn you — God the Son damn you 
 —God the Holy Ghoft damn you" — you fee 
 'tis nothing. — There is an orientality in his, 
 we cannot rife up to : befides, he is more 
 copious in his invention — poflefs'd more, of 
 
 the excellencies of a fwearer had fuch a 
 
 Vol. II. L thorough
 
 C 162 ) 
 
 thorough knowledge of the human fratne,- 
 its membranes, nerves, ligaments, knittings^ 
 of the joints, and articulations, — that when. 
 Ernulphus curfed — no part efcaped him. — 
 'Tis true there is fomething of a hardncfs in 
 his manner— —and, as in Michael Angeloy a 
 
 want of grace but then there is fuch a 
 
 greatnefs of gujlo ! 
 
 My father, who generally look'd upon 
 every thing in a light very different from all 
 mankind, would, after all, never allow this 
 
 to be an original. He confidered rather 
 
 Ernulphus's anathema, as an inftitute of 
 fwearing, in which, as he fufpeded, upon 
 the d^QcWnc oi /wearing in fome milder ponti- 
 ficate, Ernulphus, by order of the fucceeding' 
 pope, had with great learning and diligence 
 colleded together all the laws of it i — for 
 the fame reafon that Jujlinian^ in the decline 
 of the empire, had ordered his chancellor 
 
 Triitoftian
 
 ( 163 ) 
 
 Tribonian to coUeft the Roman or civil laws 
 
 all together into one code or digeft -left, 
 
 through the ruft of time and the fatality 
 
 of all things committed to oral tradition — 
 they fhould be loft to the world for ever.' 
 
 For this reafon my father would oft-times 
 affirm, there was not an oath, from the 
 great and tremendous oath of JVilliam the 
 Conqueror (By the fplendour of God) down 
 to the loweft oath of a fcavenger (Damn 
 your eyes) which was not to be found in Er- 
 nulphus. — In fhort, he would add — I defy a 
 man to fwear out of it. 
 
 The hypothefis is, like moft of my fa- 
 
 tJier's, fingular and ingenious tooj nor 
 
 have I any objedion to it, But that it ovei- 
 turns my own, 
 
 L2 CHAP.
 
 B 
 
 { 164 ) 
 
 CHAP. XXII. 
 
 LESS my foul! — my poor mif- 
 
 trefs is ready to faint and her 
 
 pains are gone — and the drops 'are done — 
 
 and the bottle of julap is broke and the 
 
 nurfe has cut her arm — (and I, my thumb, 
 cried Dr. Slop.) and the child is where it 
 was, continued Sufannah, — and the midwife 
 has fallen backwards upon the edge of the 
 fender, and bruifed her hip as black as your 
 hat. — I'll look at it, quoth Dr. Slop, — 
 There is no need of that, replied Sufannah^ 
 —you had better look at my miftrefs j— 
 but the midwife would gladly firft give you 
 an account how things are, fo defires you 
 would go up ftairs and fpeak to her this 
 moment. 
 
 Human nature is the fame in all profef- 
 
 The
 
 ( i6s ) 
 
 The midwife had juft before been put 
 over Dr. Slop's head — He had not digefted 
 it. — No, replied Dr. Slop, 'twould be full 
 as proper, if the midwife came down to me. 
 —I like fubordination, quoth my unele Toby, 
 — and but for it, after the redudion of LiJIe, 
 I know not what might have become of the 
 garrifon of Ghent^ in the mutiny for bread, 
 in the year Ten. — Nor, replied Dr. Slop 
 (parodying my uncle Tobys hobby-horfical 
 reflection; though full as hobby-horfically 
 
 himfelf ) do I know. Captain Shandy, 
 
 what mijrht have become of the carrifon 
 above flairs, in the mutiny and confufion I 
 find all things are in at prefent, but for the 
 fubordination of fingers and thumbs to ** 
 
 **** the application of which, Sir, 
 
 under this accident of mine, comes in fo 
 
 a proposy that without it, the cut upon my 
 
 thumb might have been felt by the Shandy 
 
 L 3 family.
 
 ( i66 ) 
 family, as long as the Shandy family had a 
 
 name. 
 
 L 
 
 CHAP. XXIII. 
 
 E T us go back to the ******. 
 in the laft chapter. 
 
 It is a fmgular llroke of eloquence (at 
 leaft it was fo, when eloquence flourifhed 
 at Athens and Rome, and would be fo now, 
 did orators wear mantles) not to men- 
 tion the name of a thing, when you had 
 the thing about you in fetto, ready to pro- 
 duce, pop, in the place you want it. A 
 fear, an axe, a fword, a pink'd doublet, a 
 rufty helmet, a pound and a half of pot- 
 aflies in an urn, or a three-halfpenny pickle 
 pot — but above all, a tender infant royally 
 
 accoutred. Tho' if it was too young, 
 
 and the oration as long as TuIIy's fecond Phi- 
 
 lippick — it tnuft certainly have befhit the 
 
 7 orator's
 
 ( i67 ) 
 
 orator's mantle. — And then again, if too 
 old, — it muft have been unwieldy and in- 
 commodious to his aflion — fo as to make 
 him lofe by his child almoft as much as he 
 could gain by it. — Otherwifc, when a ftate 
 oratod^as hit the precife age to a minute 
 
 ~ hid his BAMBINO in his mantle fo 
 
 cunningly that no mortal could fmell it 
 and produced it fo critically, that no foul 
 could fay, it came in by head and fhoulders 
 — Oh Sirs ! it has done wonders. — It has 
 open'd the fluices, and turn'd the brains, and 
 {hook the principles, and unhinged the .po- 
 litics of half a nation. 
 
 Thcfe feats however arc not to be done, 
 except in thofe ftates and times, I fay, where 
 
 orators wore mantles and pretty large 
 
 ones too, my brethren, with fome twenty or 
 
 five-and-twcnty yards of good purple, fupcr- 
 
 fine, marketable cloth in them — with large 
 
 L 4 flowing
 
 ( i68 ) 
 
 flowing folds and doubles, and in a great 
 ftyle of defign. — All which plainly ftiews, 
 may it pleafe your worfliip?, that the decay 
 of eloquence, and the little good fervice it 
 does at prefent, both within and without 
 doors, is owing to nothing elfe in the world, 
 but fhort coats, and the difufe of trunk-hofe^ 
 We can conceal nothing under ours, 
 Madam, worth fhewing. 
 
 CHAP. XXIV. 
 
 T^R. Slop wzs within an ace of being an 
 -■-^ exception to all this argumentation ; 
 for happening to have his green bays bag up- 
 on his knees, when he began to parody my 
 uncle Tol?y — 'twas as good as the beft man- 
 tle in the world to him : for which purpofe, 
 when he forefaw the fentence v/ould end in 
 his new iuvQntedforxepSy he ihruil his hand 
 into the bag in order to have them ready to 
 
 clap
 
 ( i69 ) 
 clap in, when your reverences took fo much, 
 notice of the ** *, which had he managed 
 •——my uncle Toby had certainly been over- 
 thrown : the fentence and the argument in 
 that cafejumpingclofely in one point, fo like 
 the two lines which form the falient angle 
 
 of a raveline, Dr. Slop would never hav« 
 
 given them up; — and my uncle Toby would 
 as foon thought of flying, as taking them 
 by force : but Dr. Slop fumbled fo vilely in 
 pulling them out, it took ofF the whole ef- 
 fedt, and what was a ten times worfe evil 
 (for they feldom come alone in this life) ]jx 
 pulling out his forceps^ hh forceps unfortu- 
 nately drew out the /quirt along with it. 
 
 When a propofition can be taken in two 
 fenfes — 'tis a law in difputation, That the 
 refpondent may reply to which of the two h« 
 pleafes, or finds mod convenient for him. 
 ——-This threw the advantage of the argu- 
 ment
 
 t 170 ) 
 
 sment quite on my uncle Tobfs fide,- > ■ 
 ** Good God !" cried my uncle Toby^ ** are 
 '*' children brought into the world with « 
 ^' fquli-tr'' 
 
 CHAP. XXV. 
 
 *--TTPON my honour, Sir, you have 
 ^^ tore every bit of fkin quite off the 
 back of both my hands with your forceps, 
 'tried my uncle Toby — and you have crufli'd all 
 fny knuckles into the bargain with them to 
 a jelly, 'Tis your own fault, faid Dr. Slop 
 
 you fhould have clinch'd your two fifts 
 
 together into the form of a child's head as I 
 told you, and fat firm. — I did fo, anfwer- 
 
 ed my uncle Toby Then the points of 
 
 my forceps have not been fufficiently arm'd, 
 or the rivet wants clofing — or elfe the cut 
 on my thumb has made me a little aukward 
 -—or poffibl)' — 'Tis well, quoth my father, 
 interrupting the detail of poffibilities—that 
 
 the
 
 ( 171 ) 
 
 the experiment v/as not firfl: made upon my 
 
 child's head-piece. It would not have 
 
 been a cherry- ftone the worfe, anfwered Dr. 
 Slop. — I maintain it, faid my uncle Toby^ it 
 would have broke the cerebellum (unlefs in^ 
 deed the fkuU had been as hard as a granado) 
 and turned it all into a perfe6l poflet.— — — 
 P{haw ! replied Dr. Slop, a child's head is 
 naturally as fcft as the pap of an apple ; — the 
 futures give way — arid befides, T could have 
 extradled by the feet after. — Not you, faid 
 flie.> I rather wifh you would begin that 
 way, quoth my father. 
 
 Pray do, added my uncle Toby, 
 
 CHAP. XXVI. 
 
 - ' ■ AND pray, good woman, after all, 
 
 "^ will you take upon you to fay. It 
 
 may not be the child's hip, as well as the 
 
 child's
 
 ( m ) 
 
 child's head ! ■■■ -'Tis moft certainly the 
 head, replied the midwife. Becaufe, conti- 
 nued Dr. Slop (turning to my father) as po- 
 litiveas thefeold ladies generally are — 'tis a 
 point very difficult to know — and yet of the 
 greateft confequence to be known j-^ — be- 
 caufe. Sir, if the hip is miftaken for the 
 head— 'there is a poflibility (if it is a boy) 
 that the forceps ******* 
 ******* 
 
 What the poflibility was. Dr. Slop 
 
 whifpered very low to my father, and then 
 to my uncle Toby. — There is no fuch danger, 
 continued he, with the head. — No, in truth, 
 quoth my father — but when your poflibility 
 has taken place at the hip — you may as well 
 take off" the head too. 
 
 It is morally impoflTible the reader 
 
 iliould underftand this 'tis enough Dr. 
 
 Slop
 
 ( '73 } 
 
 Slop underftood it ; — — fo taking the green 
 bays bag in his hand, with the help of Oba- 
 diah\ pumps, he tripp'd pretty nimbly, for 
 a man of his fize, acrofs the room to the 
 
 door and from the door was fhewn 
 
 the way, by the good old midwife, to vciy 
 mother's apartments. 
 
 I 
 
 CHAP. XXVII. 
 T is two hours, and ten minutes — and 
 
 no more — cried my father, looking at 
 his watch, fmce Dr. Slop and Ohadiah arri- 
 ved — and I know not how it happens, bro- 
 ther Toby — but to my imagination it fecms 
 almoft an age. 
 
 Here — pray, Sir, take hold of my 
 cap — nay, take the bell along with it, and 
 my pantouflcs too. 
 
 Now, Sir, they are all at your fervicc ; 
 and I freely make you a prefcnt of 'em, on 
 
 condition
 
 ( 1/4 ; 
 
 condition you give me all your attention f 
 this chaptejT. 
 
 Though my father faid, " he knew not 
 ** how it happen- d,"^yct he knew very well 
 how it happen'd ; - — and at the inftant he 
 fpoke it, was pre-determined in his mind to 
 give my uncle Toby a clear account of the 
 matter by a metaphyseal differtation upon 
 the fubjeul of duration and its fimple modeSy 
 in order to fhew my uncle Toby by what 
 mechanifm and menfurations in the brain it 
 came to pafs, that the rapid fucceffion of 
 their ideas, and the eternal fcampering of 
 the difcourfe from one thing to another, 
 fmce Dr. ^Icp had come into the room, had 
 lengthened out fo fhort a period to fo in- 
 conceivable an extent. " I know not 
 
 *' howit happens^-cried my father — but it 
 " feems an age." 
 
 'Ti*
 
 ( 175 ) 
 — 'Tis owing entirely, quoth my uncle 
 Toby^ to the fucceflion of our ideas. 
 
 My father, who had an itch in common 
 with all philofophers of reafoning upon 
 every thing which happened, and account- 
 ing for it too — propofed infinite pleafure to 
 himfelf in this, of the fucceflion of ideas, 
 and had not the leaft apprehenfion of hav- 
 ing it fnatch'd out of his hands by n\Y 
 uncle Toby, who (honeft man !) generally: 
 
 took every thing as it happened j and 
 
 who, of all things in the world, troubled' 
 his brain the leaft with abftrufe thinking 3 
 —the ideas of time and fpace— or how we 
 came by thofe ideas — or of what ftufF they 
 
 were made or whether they were born 
 
 with us — or we picked them up afterwards 
 as we went along — or whether we did it 
 
 in frocks or not till we had get into 
 
 breeches — with a thoufand other inquiries 
 
 and
 
 ( 17^ ) 
 
 and difputes about infinity, prescience, 
 LIBERTY, NECESSITY, and fo forth, upon 
 whofe defperate and unconquerable theo- 
 ries fo many fine heads have been turned 
 
 and cracked never did my uncle Tobf& 
 
 the leaft injury at all j my father knew it 
 *— and w^as no lefs furprized, than he was 
 difappointed, with my uncle's fortuitous 
 folution. 
 
 Do you underftand the theory of that af- 
 fair ? replied my father. 
 
 Not I, quoth my uncle. 
 
 — But you have fome ideas, faid my fa- 
 ther, of what you talk about? — 
 
 No mor« than my horfe, replied my un- 
 cle Toby. 
 
 Gracious
 
 ( 177 ) 
 
 Gracious heaven ! cried my father, look* 
 ing upwards, and clafping his two hands 
 together—— there is a worth in thy honeft 
 
 ignorance, brother Tohy 'twere almoft a 
 
 pity to exchange it for a knowledge, — But 
 I'll tell thee. 
 
 To underftand what time is aright, with- 
 out which we never can comprehend /'«/?- 
 nit'j, infomuch as one is a portion of the 
 
 other we ought ferioufly to fit down and 
 
 confider what idea it is we have of duration^ 
 fo as to give a fatisfaitory account how we 
 
 came by it. What is that to any body ? 
 
 quoth my uncle Toby. * For if you will 
 turn your eyes inwards upon your mind, con- 
 tinued my father, and obferve attentively^ you 
 will perceive^ brother ^ that tvhilji you and I 
 Mre talking together, and thinking, andfmoak- 
 
 • Vide Locke. 
 
 Vol. II. M hg
 
 ( 178 > 
 
 ing our pipes, or whllji we receive fucccjjhely 
 idea^ in our mvids, we know that we do ex'ijl, 
 andfo we ejlimate the exijience^ or the continua- 
 tion of the exijlence of ourfelves^ or any thing 
 elfe-i comnunfurate to the fuccejjion of any ideas 
 in our fninds, the duration of ourflves, or any 
 fuch other thing co-exifling with our thinking 
 
 andfo according to that preconceived 
 
 You puzzle me to death, cried my uncle 
 Toby. 
 
 -'Tis owing to this, replied my fa- 
 
 ther, that in our computations of time, we' 
 are fo ufed to minutes, hours, weeks, and 
 
 months- and of clocks (I wifii there 
 
 Vk'as not a clock in the kingdom) to mea- 
 fare out their feveral portions to us, and to 
 
 thofe who belong to us that 'twill be 
 
 well, if in time to come, the fiicceffion of 
 our ideas be of any ufe or feivice to us 
 
 at all. 
 
 Now
 
 (179 ) 
 
 Now, whether we obferve it or no, con- 
 tinued my father, in every found man's 
 head, there is a regular fucceffion of ideas 
 of one fort or other, which follow each 
 other in train juft like — 'A train of ar- 
 tillery ? faid my uncle Toby A train of 
 
 a fiddle-ftick ! — quoth my father — which 
 follow and fucceed one another in our 
 minds at certain diftances, juft like the 
 images in the infide of a lanthorn turned 
 round by the heat of a candle. — I declare, 
 quoth my uncle Toby, mine are more like 
 a fmoak-jack.- ■■■ -Then, brother Toby, I 
 have nothing more to fay to you upon that 
 fubjeft, faid my father. 
 
 M 2 CHAP.
 
 ( z8o ) 
 
 CHAP. XXVIII. 
 
 HAT a conjuncture was here 
 
 loft ! My father in one of 
 
 bis beft explanatory moods — in eager pur- 
 fuit of a metaphyfical point into the very 
 regions, where clouds and thick darknefs 
 would foon have encompafled it about ; — 
 my uncle Toby in one of the fineft difpofi- 
 tions for it in the world ; — his head like a 
 
 fmoak-jack ; the funnel unfwept, and 
 
 the ideas whirling round and round about 
 ift iti all obfufcated and darkened over with 
 fuliginous matter ! — By the tomb-ftone of 
 
 Lucian if it Is in being if not, why 
 
 then by his afhes ! by the aOies of my 
 
 dear Rabelais^ and dearer Cervantes ! • 
 
 my father and my uncle Tobys difcourfe 
 upon TIME and eternity was a dif- 
 courfe devoutly to be wifi:ied for ! and the 
 
 petulancy
 
 ( I8I ) 
 
 pctulancy of my father'^ humour, in putting 
 a flop to it as lie did, was a robbery of the 
 Ontologic Treafury of fuch a jewel, as no coa- 
 lition of great occafions and great men arc 
 ever iikely to rellcre to it again. 
 
 CHAP. XXIX. 
 
 rY^HO' my father perfifted in not going 
 -*- on with the difcourfe — yet he could 
 not get my uncle Toby's fmoalc-jack out of 
 his head — piqued as he was at firft with it ; 
 —there was fomething in the comparifon at 
 the bottom, v»^hich hit his fancy; for which 
 purpofe, refting his elbow upon the table, 
 and reclining the right fide of his head upon 
 
 the palm of his hand but looking firft 
 
 fledfaftly in the fire he began to com- 
 mune with himfelf, and philofophize about 
 it : but his fpirits being wore out with the 
 fatigues of inveftigating new trails, and the 
 
 M 3 conflant
 
 ( i82 ) 
 
 conftant exertion of his faculties upon that 
 variety of fubjedls which had taken their 
 
 turn in the difcourfe the idea of the 
 
 fmoak-jack foon turned all his ideas upfide 
 down — fo that he fell afleep almoft before 
 he knew what he was about. 
 
 As for my uncle Toby^ his fmoak-jack 
 had not made a dozen revolutions, before 
 he fell afleep alfo.^- — Peace be with them 
 both ! -Dr. Slop is engaged with the mid- 
 wife and my mother above ftairs. Trim 
 
 is bufy in turning an old pair of jack-boots 
 into a couple of mortars, to be employed 
 in the fiege of MeJJina next fummer — and 
 is this inftant boring the touch-holes with 
 
 the point of a hot poker. All my heroes 
 
 are off my hands; — 'tis the firfl: time I have 
 had a moment to fpare — and I'll make ufe 
 of it, and write my preface. 
 
 The
 
 C 183 } 
 
 The AUTHOR'S PREFACE. 
 
 "O, I'll not fay a word about it— — 
 here it is j — in publiiliing it — I have 
 appealed to the world - and to the world 
 1 leave it; — it muft fpeak for itfelf. 
 
 All 1 know of the matter is — when I fat 
 down, my intent was to write a good book ; 
 and as far as the tenuity of my underftand- 
 ing would hold out — a wife, aye, and a 
 difcreet — taking care only, as I went along, 
 to put into it all the wit and the judgment 
 (be it more or lefs) which the great Author 
 and Beftower of them had thoug-ht fit ori^i- 
 nally to give me— — fo that, as your wor- 
 fhips fee — 'tis juft as God pleafcs. 
 
 M 4 Now,
 
 C 184 ) 
 
 Now, Jgalajies (fpeaking difpraifingly) 
 fayeth, That there may be fome wit in it, 
 
 for aught he knows but nojudgment at 
 
 all. And Trlptokmus and Phutatorius agree- 
 ing thereto, afk, How is it poflible there 
 Ihould ? for that wit and judgment in this 
 world never go together j inafmuch as they 
 are two operations differing from each other 
 
 as wide as eaft from weft. So, fays 
 
 Locke fo are farting and hickuping, fay 
 
 I. But in anfwer to this, Didius the great 
 church lav/yer, in his code de fartendi et il- 
 lujlrandi fallacih^ doth maintain and make 
 fully appear. That an illuftration is no ar- 
 gument nor do I maintain the wiping of 
 
 a looking-glafs clean to be a fyllogifm; 
 
 but you all, may it pleafe your worlliips, 
 
 fee the better for it fo that the main 
 
 good thefe things do is only to clarify the 
 underftanding, previous to the application 
 of the argument itfelf, in order to free it 
 
 from
 
 ( i85 ) 
 
 from any little motes, or fpecks of opacular 
 matter, which, if left fwimming therein, 
 might hinder a conception and fpoil all. 
 
 Now, my dearanti-Shandeans, and thrice 
 able critics, and fellovz-labourers (for to you 
 
 I write this Preface) and to you, moft 
 
 fubtle flatefmen and difcreet dodiors (do — 
 pull off your beards) renowned for gravity 
 
 and wifdom; MoncpcluSy my politician — 
 
 Didius^ my counfel ; Kyfarcius, my friend ;— 
 
 PhutatoriuSy my guide; Gajlripheres^ 
 
 the prcferver of my life; Somnolentius^ the 
 
 balm and rcpofe of it not forgetting all 
 
 others, as well fleeping as waking, ecclefi- 
 aftical as civil, whom for brevity, but out 
 of no refentment to you, I lump all toge- 
 ther. Believe me, right v/orthy, 
 
 My moll zealous wifli and fervent prayer 
 in your behalf, and in my own too, in cafe 
 
 the
 
 ( iS6 ) 
 
 the thing is not done already for us is, 
 
 that the great gifts and endowments both of 
 wit and judgment, with every thing which 
 
 ufuaiJy goes along with them fuch as 
 
 memory, fancy, genius, eloquence, quick 
 parts, and what not, may this precious mo- 
 ment, without flint or meafure, let or hin- 
 derance, be poured down warm as each of 
 us could bear it— fcum and fediment and all 
 (for I would not have a drop loH) into the 
 feveral receptacles, cells, cellules, domi- 
 ciles, dormitories, refectories, and fpare 
 
 places of our brains in fuch fort, that 
 
 they might continue to be injefled and 
 tunn'd into, according to the true intent 
 and meaning of my wifh, until every vef- 
 fel of them, both great and fmall, be fo re- 
 plenifned, faturated, and filled up therewith, 
 that no more, would it fave a man's life, 
 could pofTibly be got either in or out. 
 
 Blefs
 
 ( i87 ) 
 Blefs us ! — what noble work v/e fhould 
 
 make ! how fhould I tickle it off !— — 
 
 and what fpirits Ihould I find myfelf in, to 
 
 be writing away for fuch readers ! and 
 
 you — ^juft heaven ! with what raptures 
 
 would you fit and read — but oh ! — 'tis too 
 
 much 1 am fick 1 faint away delici- 
 
 oufly at the thoughts of it — 'tis more than 
 
 nature can bear ! — lay hold of me 1 am 
 
 giddy — I am ftone blind — I'm dying — I am 
 gone. — Help! Help! Hejp ! — But hold — 
 I grow'fomething better again, for I am be- 
 ginning to fcrcfee, v/hen this is over, that 
 as we fhall all of us continue to be ureat wits 
 — we fhould never a^ree amongfl ourfelves, 
 
 one day to an end : there v/culd be fo 
 
 much fatire and farcafm fcoGntr and 
 
 flouting, with raillying aud repartceing 
 of it — thrufling and parrying in one corner 
 or another there would be nothms: but 
 
 o 
 
 mifchief among us. Chafle flars ! what 
 
 biting
 
 ( i88 ) 
 
 biting and fcratching, and what a racket 
 and a clatter we fliould make, what with 
 breaking of heads, rapping of knuckles, 
 an<i hitting of fore places — there would be 
 no fuch thing as living for us. 
 
 But then again, as we fhould all of us 
 be men of great judgment, we faould make 
 up matters as faft as ever they went wrong i 
 and though we fliould abominate each other 
 ten times v/orfc than fo many devils or deril- 
 clTes, we ihould neverthelefs, my dear crea- 
 tures, be all courtefy and kindnefs — milk 
 and honey — 'twould be a fecond land of pro- 
 jnife — a paradife upon earth, if there was 
 fuch a thing to be had — fo that upon the 
 whole we fliould have done well enough. 
 
 All I fret and fume at^ and what moft 
 diilreifes my invention at prefent, is how 
 to bring the point itfcif to bear; for as your 
 
 worfliips
 
 ( i89 ) 
 
 worfhlps well know, that of thefe heavenly- 
 emanations of zvit and judgmeyit^ which I 
 have fo bountifully wifned both for your 
 worfhips and myfelf — there is but a certain 
 quantum flored up for us all, for the ufe and 
 behoof of the whole race of mankind ; and 
 fuch fmall modicums of 'cm areonly fent forth 
 into this wide world, circulating here and 
 there in one bye corner or another — and in 
 fuch narrow ftreams, and at fuch prodigious 
 intervals from each other, that one would 
 wonder how it holds out, or could be fuffi- 
 cient for the wants and emergencies of f« 
 many great eftates, and populous empires. 
 
 Indeed there is one thin? to be confidercd 
 
 o 
 
 'J 
 
 that in Neva Zembla, North Lapland, and in 
 all thofecold and dreary tracls of the globe, 
 which lie more direilly under the artick and 
 antartick circles, where the whole province 
 ♦f a man's concernments lies for near nine 
 7 months
 
 C ^90 ) 
 
 months together within the narrow compafs 
 of his cave — where the fpirits are comprefTcd 
 almoft to nothing — and where the pafiions 
 of a man, with every thing which belongs 
 to them, are as ftiojd as the zone itfelf — there 
 the Icaft quantity of judgment imaginable 
 
 does the bufinefs — and of ijult there is a 
 
 total and an abfolute faving — for as not one 
 fpark is wanted — fo not one fpark is given. 
 Angels and minifters of grace defend us ! 
 what a difmal thing would it have been to 
 have roverned a kinsidom, to have fought a 
 battle, or made a treaty, or run a match, or 
 wrote a book, or got a child, or held a pro- 
 vincial chapter there, with fo plentiful a lack 
 of wit and judgment about us ! For mercy's 
 fake, let us think 'no more about it, but tra- 
 vel on as faft as v;'e can fouthwards into Nor- 
 way — croiling owf^i Swedeland^ if you pleafe, 
 throuoh the fmall triangular province of Jn- 
 germania to the lake of Bothnia \ coafling 
 
 alon2:
 
 ( iQi ) 
 
 along It through eafl and weft Bothnia^ down 
 to Carelia^ and fo on, through all thofe ftates 
 and provinces which border upon the far fide 
 of the Gulf of T'mland^ and the north-eaft 
 of the Balt'icky up to Peterjbourg^ and juft 
 ftepping into Ingria ;— then ftretching over 
 diredly from thence through the north parts 
 of the RuJJlan empire — leaving Liberia a lit- 
 tle upon the left hand, till we get into the 
 very heart of Ri'.jjian and Afiatic T^artary. 
 
 Now through this long tour which I have 
 led you, you obferve the good people are bet- 
 ter off by far, than in the polar countries _ 
 which we have juft left :— for if you hold 
 your hand over your eyes, and look very at- 
 tentively, you may perceive fome fmall glim- 
 merings (as it werc)of wit, with a comfort- 
 able provifion of good plain houpold ]\sdg- 
 ment, which, taking the quality and quan- 
 tity of it together, they make a very good 
 
 (hi ft
 
 C 192 ) 
 
 fhift with — ana had they more of ei- 
 ther the one or the other, it would dedroy 
 the proper balance betwixt them, and I am 
 fatisSed moreover thev would want occa- 
 fions to put them to ufe. 
 
 Now, Sir, if I conducL you home again 
 into this warmer and more luxuriant ifland, 
 where you perceive the fpring-tioe of our 
 
 blood and humours runs high— where 
 
 we have more ambition, and pride, and 
 envy, and lechery, and other whorfon paf- 
 fions upon our hands to govern and fubjecl 
 
 to reafon the J?eight of our wit, and 
 
 the depth of our judgment, vou fee, are ex- 
 actly proportioned to the lejigth and b/eadtJ? 
 
 of our neceiHties and accordingly we 
 
 have them fent down amonirti u.^ in fuch a 
 Sowing kind of decent and creditable 
 plent)', that no one thinks he has any 
 caufe to complain, 
 
 I muft
 
 ( 193 ) 
 
 Tt mufl however be confefled on this head, 
 that, as our air blows hot and cold — wet 
 and dry, ten times in a day, we have them 
 
 in no regular and fettled way ; fo that 
 
 fomctimes for near half a century together, 
 
 there fhould be very little v/it or judgment 
 
 cither to be {een or heard of amono-ft us : 
 
 the fmall channels of them (hall feeni 
 
 quite dried up then all of a fudden the 
 
 fluices fhall break out, and take a fit of run- 
 ning again like fury you would think 
 
 they would never flop : and then it is, 
 
 that in writing and fighting, and twenty 
 other gallant things, we drive all the world 
 before us. 
 
 It is by thefe obfervations, and a wary rea- 
 foning by analogy in that kind of argumen- 
 tative procefs, which Suidas calls diale^ick 
 
 indudion that I draw and fet up this 
 
 pofition as moft true and veritable, 
 
 Vol. II, N That
 
 ( 194 ) 
 
 That of thefe two luminaries fo much of 
 their irradiations are fufFered from time to^ 
 time to fhine down upon us ; as he, whofe 
 infinite wifdom which difpenfes every thing 
 in exacl weight and meafure, knows will 
 juft ferve to light us on our way in this night 
 of our obfcurity; fo that your reverences 
 and worfhips now find out, nor is it a mo- 
 ment longer in my power to conceal it from 
 you, That the fervent wifh in your behalf 
 with which I fet out, was no more than the 
 firft infinuating How d'yeo( 2. carefling pre- 
 facer, ftifling his reader, as a lover fome- 
 times dees a coy miftrefs, into filence. For 
 alas ! could this efFufion of light have been 
 as eafily procured, as the exordium wiflied it 
 — I tremble to think how many thoufands 
 for it, of benighted travellers (in the learn- 
 ed fciences at leaft) muft have groped ami 
 "blundered on in the dark, all the nights of 
 
 their lives running their heads againft 
 
 o poftsj
 
 '( 195 ) 
 pofts, and knocking out their brainS with- 
 out ever getting to their journies end ;— — 
 fome falling with their nofes perpendicular- 
 ly into finks -others horizontally with 
 
 their tails into kennels. Here one half of a 
 learned profeffion tilting full butt againft 
 the other half of it, and then tumbling and 
 rollino- one over the other in the dirt like 
 hogs.— Here the brethren of another pro- 
 feffion, who fhould have run in oppofition 
 to each other, flying on the contrary like a 
 flock of wild geefe, all in a row the fame 
 way. — What confufion I — what miftakes ! 
 
 . fiddlers and painters judging by their 
 
 eyes and ears — admirable ! — trufting'to the 
 
 paflions excited in an air fung,or a ftory 
 
 painted to the heart inftead of meafuring 
 
 them by a quadrant. 
 
 In the fore-ground of this pi£lure, zjiatef- 
 
 man turning the political wheel, like a brute, 
 
 N 2 the
 
 f 196 > 
 
 tke wrong way round dga't'nfl the ftrcara 
 
 of corruption — by Heaven I ——inftead of 
 imth it. 
 
 In this corner, a fon of the divine Efcw 
 lapiuSy writing a book againft predeftination j 
 perhaps worfe — feeling his patient's pulfe, 
 
 inftead of his apothecary's a brother of 
 
 the Faculty in the back-ground upon his 
 knees in tears, — drawing the curtains of a 
 mangled viftim to beg his forgivcncfs ; — 
 offering a fee — inftead of taking one. 
 
 In that fpacious hall, a coalition of the 
 gown, from all the bars of it, driving a 
 damn'd, dirty, vexatious caufe before them, 
 Xvith all their might and main, the wrong 
 
 way ! kicking it out of the great doors, 
 
 inftead of, in and with fuch fury in their 
 
 looks, and fuch a degree of inveteracy in 
 their manner of kicking it, as if the laws 
 
 had
 
 ( 197 ) 
 
 had been originally made for the peace and 
 
 prefervation of mankind :-; perhaps a' 
 
 more enormous miftake committed by them 
 
 ftill a litigated ponnt fairly hung up ; 
 
 for inftance. Whether 'John o'Nokes 
 his nofe could ftand in Tom o'Stiles his face, 
 without a trefpafs, or not — rafiily determi- 
 ned by them in five-and-twenty minutes, 
 which, with the cautious pros and cons re- 
 quired in fo intricate a proceeding, might 
 
 have taken up as many months and if 
 
 carried on upon a military plan, as your ho- 
 nours know an action (hould be, with all 
 
 the ftratagems pradlicablc therein, • 
 
 fuch as feints, forced marches, fur- 
 prizes ambufcades mafxC- batteries, 
 
 and a thoufand other ftrokes of generalfhip, 
 which confift in catching at all advan- 
 tages on both fides -might reafonably 
 
 have lafted them as many years, finding food' 
 N 3 and
 
 ( 198 ) 
 
 and raiment all that term for a centumvirate 
 of the profeiEon, 
 
 As for the clergy ■No—-— if I fay 
 
 a word againft them, I'll be (hot. 1 have 
 
 no defire; — and befides, if I had — I durft 
 not for my foul touch upon the fubjefl ■■ ■ 
 with fuch weak nerves and fpirits, and in the 
 condition I am in at prefent, 'twould be as 
 much as my life was worth, to dejecl and 
 contrift myfelf with fo bad and melancholy 
 an account — and therefore 'tis fafer to draw 
 a curtain acrofs, and haften from it, as faft 
 as I can, to the main and principal point 
 I have undertaken to clear up— —and that 
 is. How it comes to pafs, that your men of 
 leaft wit are reported to be men of xt\o^ judg- 
 ment. But mark — I fay, reported to be — 
 
 for it is no more, my dear Sirs, than a report, 
 and which, like twenty others taken up eve-
 
 ( 199 ) 
 ry day upon truft, I maintain to be a, vile, 
 and a malicious report into the bargain. 
 
 This by the help of the obfervation is al- 
 ready premifed, and I hope already weighed 
 and perpended by your reverences and wor- 
 iliips, I fhall forthwith make appear. 
 
 I hate fct diflfertations and above all 
 
 things in the world, 'tis one of the fillieft 
 things in one of them, to darken your hy- 
 pothefis by placing a number of tall, opake 
 words, one before another, in a right line, 
 betwixt your own and your reader's con- 
 ception—when in all likelihood, if you had 
 looked about, you might have feen fome- 
 thing (landing, or hanging up, which would 
 have cleared the point at once — *' for what 
 " hindrance, hurt, or harm doth the lauda- 
 " ble defire of knowledge bring to any man^, 
 ** if even from a fot, a pot, a fool, a ftool, 
 
 N 4 "a win-
 
 ( 20O ) 
 
 ** a winter- mittain, a truckle for a puUy, 
 
 '* the lid of a goldfmith's crucible, an oil 
 
 " bottle, an old flipper, or a cane chair" 
 
 —I am this moment fitting upon one. Will 
 
 you give me leave to illuftrate this affair of 
 
 wit and judgment, by the tv/o knobs on the 
 
 top of the back of it — they are faflen'd on, 
 
 you fee, with two pegs ftuck flightly into 
 
 two gimlet-holes, and will place what I 
 
 have to fay in fo clear a light, as to let you 
 
 fee through the drift and meaning of my 
 
 whole preface, as plainly as if every point 
 
 and particle of it was made up of fun-beams, 
 
 I enter now diredly upon the point, 
 
 — Here Hands wit — and there ftandsyW^- 
 rncnt^ clofe befide it, juft like the two knobs 
 Pm fpeaking of, upon the back of this felf- 
 fame chair on which I am fitting. 
 
 —You
 
 ( 201 ) 
 
 — You fee, they are the highefl and luoft 
 ornamental parts of its frame — as wit and 
 judgment are of t-wr^— and like them too, 
 indubitably both made and fitted to go toge- 
 ther, in order, as we fay in all fuch cafes of 
 
 duplicated embellifhments to anfvjet 
 
 one another. 
 
 Now for the fake of an experiment, and for 
 the clearer illuftrating this matter — let us for 
 a moment take off one of thefe two curious 
 ornaments (I care not which) from the point 
 or pinacle of the chair itnowftandson — nay, 
 don't laugh at it, — but did you ever fee in the 
 whole courfc of your lives fuch a ridiculous 
 bufmefs as this has made of it ? — Why, 'tis 
 as miferable a fight as a fow with one ear ; 
 and there is juft as much fenfe and fymmetry 
 
 in the one, as in the other : do pray, 
 
 get ofF your feats only to take a view of it 
 
 -I Now would any man who valued his 
 
 charadcr
 
 ■ C 202 ) 
 charaaer a ftraw, have turned a piece of 
 work out of his hand in fuch a condition ? 
 ——-nay, lay your hands upon your hearts, 
 and anfwer this plain queftion. Whether this 
 one fmgle knob, which now ftands here like 
 a blockhead by itfelf, can ferve any purpofe 
 upon earth, but to put one in mind of the 
 want of the other ? — and let me farther afk, 
 in cafe the chair was your own, if you 
 would not in your confciences think, rather 
 than be as it is, that it would be ten times 
 better without any knob at all ? 
 
 Now thefe two knobs or top orna- 
 ments of the mind of man, which crown. 
 
 the whole entablature being, as I faid, 
 
 "wit and judgment, which of all others, as 
 
 I have proved it, are the moft needful 
 
 the moft priz'd— -the moft calamitous to be 
 without, and confequently the hardeft to 
 ^pme at— for all thefe reafons put together, 
 
 there
 
 ( 203 ) 
 there is not a mortal among us, fo deftitute 
 
 of a love of good fame or feeding or fo 
 
 ignorant of what will do him good therein 
 — who does not wifli and ftedfaftly refolve 
 in his own mind, to be, or to be thought at 
 leaft, mafter of the one or the other, and 
 indeed of both of them, if the thino- feems 
 any way feafable, or likely to be brought 
 to pafs. 
 
 Now your graver gentry having little or 
 no kind of chance in aiming at the one — 
 
 unlefs they laid hold of the other, pray 
 
 what do you think would become of them ? 
 
 ■ Why Sirs, in fpite of all their ^r<7i;/- 
 
 ties^ they muft e'en have been contented to 
 
 have gone with their infides naked : this 
 
 was not to be borne, but by an effort of 
 philofophy not to be fuppofed in the cafe we 
 
 are upon fo that no one could well have 
 
 teen angry with them, had they been fatif- 
 
 fied
 
 (204 ) 
 Red with what little they could have fnatch- 
 ed up and fecreted under their cloaks and 
 
 4't ■ - 
 
 great periwigs, had they not raifed a hue 
 and cry at the fame time againft the lawful 
 owners. 
 
 I need not tell your worfliips, that this 
 was done with (o much cunning and artifice 
 
 • that the great Lochy who was fddom 
 
 outwitted by falfe founds was never- 
 
 thelefs bubbled here. The cry, it fecms, 
 was fo deep and folcmn a one, and what 
 with the help of great wigs, grave faces, 
 and other implements of deceit, was ren- 
 dered fo general a one againft: the poor wits 
 In this matter, that the philofopher himfelf 
 was deceived by it— it was his glory to free 
 the world from the lumber of a thoufand 
 
 vulgar errors ; but this was not of the 
 
 number j fo that inftead of fitting down 
 cooly, as fuch a philofopher fhould have 
 
 done.
 
 ( 205 ) 
 
 ^one, to have examined the matter of fa6i 
 
 before he philofophifed upon it on the 
 
 contrary he took the fa<fl: for granted, and 
 fo joined in with the cry, and halloo'd it as 
 boifleroufly as the reft. 
 
 This has been made the Magna Charta of 
 
 ftupidity ever fince but your reverences 
 
 plainly fee, it has been obtained in fuch a 
 manner, that the title to it is not worth a 
 
 groat: which by-the-bye is one of the 
 
 many and vile impofitions which gravity and 
 grave folks have to anfvver for hereafter. 
 
 As for great wigs, upon which I may be 
 thought to have fpokcn my mind too freely 
 ■■ I beg leave to qualify whatever has 
 been unguardedly faid to their difpraife or 
 prejudice, by one general declaration—— 
 That I have no abhorrence whatever, nor 
 do I detefl and abjure either great wigs or 
 
 Jonor
 
 ( 206 ) 
 
 long beards, any farther than when I fee 
 they are befpoke and let grow on purpofe to 
 carry on this felf-fame impofture — for any 
 
 purpofe peace be with them! — Ki'mark 
 
 only 1 write not for them. 
 
 CHAP. XXX. 
 
 TT^ VERY day for at leaft ten years to- 
 ^-^ gether did my father refolve to have it 
 mended — 'tis not mended yet ; — no family 
 but ours would have borne with it an hout 
 and v/hat is moft aftoniftiing;, there was 
 not a fubjed in the world upon which my 
 father was fo eloquent, as upon that of door- 
 hinges. And yet at the fame time, he 
 
 was certainly one of the greateft bubbles to 
 them, I think, that hiftory can produce: 
 his rhetoric and condu£l v/ere at perpetual 
 handy-cuffs.— Never did the parlour-door 
 open — but his philofophy or his principles 
 fell a vi^^im ta it 3— —three drops of oil 
 
 with
 
 C 207 ) 
 
 with a feather, and a fmart ftroke of a ham- 
 mer, had faved his honour for ever. 
 
 — — Inconfiftent foul that man is !-— — 
 languifhing under wounds, which he has 
 the power to heal ! — his whole life a con-* 
 tradition to his knowledge ! — his reafon, 
 that precious gift of God to him — (inftead 
 of pouring in oil) ferving but to (harpert 
 his fenfibilities — to multiply his pains and 
 render him more melancholy and uneafy un- 
 der them ! — Poor unhappy creature, that 
 
 he (hould do fo ! Are not the neceflliry 
 
 caufes of mifery in this life enow, but he 
 muft add voluntary ones to his ftock of for- 
 row ; — druggie againfl: evils which cannot 
 be avoided, and fubmit to others, which a 
 tenth part of the trouble they create him 
 would remove from his heart for ever ? 
 
 By
 
 ( 203 ) 
 
 By all that is good and virtuous,- if there 
 are three drops of oil to be got,. and a ham- 
 mer to be found within ten miles of Shandy- 
 Hall -> the parlour door hinge fhall be 
 
 mended this reign. 
 
 CHAP. XXXI. 
 
 WHEN corporal T'rim \\zi\ brought 
 his two mortars to bear, he was de- 
 lighted with his handy-work above mea- 
 fure 5 and knowing what a pleafure it 
 would be to his mafler to fee them, he was 
 riot able to refift the defire he had of carry- 
 ing them dire£lly into his parlour. 
 
 Now next to the moral leflbn I had in 
 view in mentioning the affair of hinges^ I 
 had a fpeculative confidcration arifing out of 
 it,"<and it is this. 
 
 Had
 
 ( 2C9 ) 
 
 Had the parlour door opcn'd and turn'il 
 upon its hinges, as a door fhould do— 
 
 — Or for example, as cleverly as our go- 
 Ifernment has been turning upon its hinges 
 (that is, in cafe things have all along 
 gone well with your worfhip, — otlierwife I 
 give up my fimile) — in this cafe, I fay, ther« 
 had been no danger either to mailer or man, 
 in Corporal Trim's peeping in : the moment, 
 he had beheld my father and my uncle Toh)^ 
 faft afleep — the refpe6ifulnefs of his car- 
 riase was fuch.he would have retired as filent 
 as death, and left them both in their arm- 
 chairs, dreaming as happy as he had found 
 them : but the thing was, morally fpcaking, 
 fo very impradicable, that for the many 
 years in which this hinge was fuficred to be 
 out of order, and amongft the hourly griev- 
 ances my father fubmlttcd to upon its ac- 
 count — this was one^ that he never fwldej 
 Vol. II. O kis
 
 ( 210 ) 
 
 his arms to take his nap after dinner, but 
 the thoughts of being unavoidably awaken- 
 ed by the fiift perfon who fhould open the 
 door, was always uppcrmoft in his imagi- 
 nation, and fo inceffantly ftepp'd in betwixt 
 him and the firft balmy prefage of his repofe, 
 as to rob him, as he often declared, of the 
 whole fweets of it. 
 
 *' When things move upon bad hinges, an' 
 *' oleafe your lordfhips, hciv can it be other- 
 '■^ wlfcr 
 
 Pray what's the matter ? Who is there ? 
 cried ir.y father, waking, the moment the 
 
 door began to creak. 1 wifh the fmith 
 
 would give a peep at that confounded hinge. 
 
 'Tis nothing, an' pleafe your honour, 
 
 faid Trim, but tw^o mortars 1 am bringing 
 in. — They (han't make a clatter with them 
 here, cried my father haffily.— If Dr. Zlop 
 
 has
 
 ( 211 ) 
 
 lias any drugs to pound, let him do it in the 
 kitchen. — May it pleafe your honour, cried 
 yr/.v/, they are two mortar-pieces for a fiege 
 next fummer, which I have been making 
 out of a pair of jack-boots, which Obadiah 
 told me your honour had left ofF wearing. 
 —By Heaven ! cried my father, fpringing 
 
 out of his chair, as he fwore 1 have not 
 
 one appointment belonging to me, which 
 I fet fo much ftore by, as I do by thefe jack- 
 boots they were our great grandfather's, 
 
 brother Toby — they were hereditary. Then 
 I fear, quoth my uncle Toby^ Trim has cut 
 ofF the entail. — I have only cut off the tops, 
 
 an' pleafe your honour, cried Trifn, 1 
 
 hate perpetuities as much as any man alive, 
 
 cried my father but thefe jack-boots, 
 
 continued he (fmiling, though very anf^ry 
 at the fame time) have been in the family, 
 
 brother, ever fince the civil wars; Sir 
 
 Ro^er Shandy wore them at the battle of 
 
 O 2 Marjion-
 
 ( 212 3 
 
 Marjlon-Moor, — I declare I would not hav* 
 taken ten pounds for them.— —I'll pay you 
 the. money, brother Shandy, quoth my uncle 
 Tobyy looking at the two mortars with infi- 
 jiLte pleafure, and putting his hand into his 
 
 breeches pocket as he viewed them I'll 
 
 pay you the ten pounds this moment with all 
 mj lieaj[t a^d foul,— — — 
 
 ^SggOG 
 
 Brother Tshy^ replied my father, altering 
 his tone, you care not what money you dif- 
 iipate and throw away, provided, conti- 
 nued he, 'tis but upon a siege. Have I 
 
 Dotone huiKlred and twenty pounds a yeai;, 
 bcfides my half pay ? cried niy uncle Toby, 
 
 -, — What is that—replied my father haftily 
 -r-to ten pounds tor a pair of jack-boots ? — > 
 tyvfpjye guineas, for your pontoons f — half as 
 
 j^KUcli'.fp^ y§^j^=Af/t-A .4raw- bridge ?— -to fay 
 nothing of the train of little- brafs-aftillery 
 you befpoke laft week, with twenty other
 
 r 213 ) 
 
 pfeparations for the fiege of MeJJlna: belFeve 
 me, dear brother To^j, continued my fa- 
 ther, taking him kindly by the hand — thefe 
 military operations of yours are above your 
 
 ftrength ; — you mean well, brother but 
 
 they- carry you into greater expences than 
 you were firft aware of ; — and take my word, 
 dear Toby^ they will in the end quite ruin 
 your fortune, and make a beggar of you. 
 — What fignifics it if they do, brother, re* 
 plied my uncle Tsby^ fo long as we know 'tis 
 for the good of the nation ? — — — 
 
 b^ 
 
 My father could not help fmiling for his 
 foul — his anger at the worft was never more 
 than a fpark ; — and the zeal and fimplicity 
 of Trim — and the generous (though hobby- 
 horfical) gallantry of my uncle Ti^^, brought 
 him into perfect good humour with them 
 man innant. '* ^cntid^C:: 
 
 O 3 (^encPC'jkS
 
 ( 2H I 
 
 Generous fouls ! — God profperyou both^ 
 and your mortar-pieces too, quoth my fa- 
 ther to himfelf ! 
 
 CHAP. XXXII. 
 
 A LL is quiet and hufli, cried my father, 
 -*• ^ at leaft above flairs — I hear not one 
 foot ftirring. — Prithee, Trhn, who's in the 
 kitchen ? There is no one foul in the kitchen, 
 anfvvered Trim, making a low bow as he 
 fpoke, except Dr. Slop. — Confufion ! cried 
 my father (getting up upon his legs a fecond 
 time) — not one fmgle thing has gone right 
 this day! had I faith in aftrology, brother, 
 (vv^hich, by the bye, my father had) I would 
 have fworn fome retrograde planet was hang- 
 ing over this unfortunate houfe of mine, and 
 turning every individual thing in it out of 
 
 its place. Why, I thought Dr. Slsp had 
 
 been above flairs with m.y wife, and fo faid 
 you."— ~What can the fellow be puzzling 
 
 about
 
 ( 215 ) 
 
 about in the kitchen ! — Ke is bufy, an' 
 pleafe your honour, replied Tr/;«, in making 
 
 a bridge. 'Tis very obliging in him, 
 
 quoth my uncle T^oby : pr^y? give my 
 
 humble fervice to Dr. Slop-^ Trim^ and tell 
 him I thank him heartily. 
 
 You muft know, my uncle Toby miftook 
 the bridge — as widely as my father miftook 
 the mortars 3— —but toun»ierftand how my 
 uncle Toby could miftake the bridge— I fear 
 I muft give vou an exacl account of the road 
 which led to it;— or to drop my metaphor 
 (for there is nothing more diflioneft in an 
 
 hiftorianthan theufe of one) in order 
 
 to conceive the probability of this error in 
 my uncle Toi"^ aright, I muft give you fomc 
 account of an adventure of T;////s, though 
 much againft my will, I fay much againft 
 my will, only bccaufc the ftory, in one 
 fenfc, is certainly out of its place here j for 
 
 O 4 by
 
 C 2i6 ) 
 
 by right itfliould come in, either amongft 
 the anecdotes of my uncle Tohfz amours 
 with widow JVadman, in which corporal 
 Trim was no mean ador—or elfe in the 
 middle of his and my uncle Toby^ campaigns 
 on the bowling green— for it will do very 
 well in either place J— but then if I referve 
 it for cither of thofe parts of my ftory— 
 
 I ruin the ftory I'm upon j and if I tell 
 
 it here— I anticipate matters, and ruin it 
 there. 
 
 — What would your worihips have me to^ 
 lio Ih this cafe ? 
 
 -Tell It, Mr. ^handy^ by all means.— 
 You are a fool, Tripam^ if you do. . 
 
 • « 
 O ye powers! (for powers ye are, and 
 great ones too)— which enable mortal man 
 
 tQ tell a fioxy worth the hearing that 
 
 kijid'y
 
 r 2^7 ) 
 
 kindly fliew him, where he is to begin it— 
 
 and where lie is to end it what he is to- 
 
 put into it— ^ and what he is to leave outr— 
 Kow much of it he is to cafl: into a fhade—- 
 and whereabouts he is to throw his liirht ! — 
 Ye, who prefide over this vafi: empire of bio- 
 graphical freebooters, and fee how many 
 fcrapes and plunges your fubjedls hourly falL 
 into J will'you do one thing? 
 
 I beg and befeech you (m cafe you will do 
 nothing better for us) that wherever in any 
 
 part ot your dominions it io falls out, that . 
 
 •;:>,: in; -i, ^ 
 three feveralroads meet in one point, as they 
 
 have done juft here that at leaft you fet 
 
 up a guide-poft, in the center of them, la 
 
 mere charity to d'weS: an uncertain devil. 
 
 which of the three he is to take. 
 
 oiawoq 3' 
 
 oi 
 
 c u A P;
 
 C 2l8 ) 
 
 CHAP. XXXIIL 
 
 rr^HO' the Ihock my uncle Tohy received 
 -^ the year after the demolition of Diin- 
 kirk.^ in his aiFair with widow IVadman^ had 
 iixcd him in arefolution never more to think 
 of the fex — or of aught which belonged to it j 
 — yet corporal I'rim had made no fuch bar- 
 gain with himfelf. Indeed in my uncle Tc/^/s 
 cafe there was a ftrange and unaccountable 
 concurrence of circumllances which infen- 
 fibly drew him in, to lay fiege to that fair 
 and ftroncc citadel.---— In Trims cafe there 
 
 •t> 
 
 was a concurrence of nothins; in the world 
 
 o 
 
 ■> 
 
 but of him and Bridget in the kitchen i~ 
 thoucrh in truth, the love and veneration he 
 jjore his mafter was fuch, and fo fond was 
 Jie of imitating him in all he did, that had 
 my uncle Toby employed his time and ge- 
 nius in tagging of points 1 am perfuaded 
 
 the
 
 ( 219 ) 
 
 the honefl: corporal would have laid down 
 his arms, and followed his example with 
 pleafure. When therefore my uncleToby fat 
 down before the miftrefs — corporal Trim in- 
 continently tool; ground before the maid. 
 
 Now, my dear friend Garrick^ whom I 
 have fo much caufe to erieem and honour — 
 (why, or wherefore, 'tis no matter) — can it 
 cfcapc your penetration — I (\ciy it — that fo 
 many play-wrights, andopificersof chit-chat 
 have ever fmce been v/orking upon Trhns 
 
 and my uncle Tol-y's pattern. 1 care not 
 
 what AriJictUi or Pacuvius, or Bojfu^ or 
 Ricaboni fay — (thoui;h I never read one of 
 
 them) there is not a greater diircrencc 
 
 between a fingle-horfe chair and madam Pom- 
 padour i vis-a vi ; than betwixt a fingle a- 
 mour, and an amour thus nobly doubled, 
 and going upon all four, prancing through- 
 out a grand drama Sir, a fimplc, finglcj 
 
 filly
 
 ( 220 )■ 
 
 filly affair of that kind — is quite lofl irt fiv'« 
 a£ls ; — but that is neither here nor there. 
 
 After a feries of attacks and repulfes in a 
 courfe of nine months on my uncle Tobylt 
 quarter, a moft minute account of every par- 
 ticular of which fhall be given in its-proper 
 place, my uncle Tohy^ honeft man! found 
 it necefiary to draw off his forces and Faife 
 the fiecre fomewhat indicrnantlv. 
 
 Corporal 7r/w, as I faid, had made no fuch 
 
 bargain either with himfelf or with any 
 
 one elfe the fidelity however of his heart 
 
 not fufferlntT him to o-o into a houfe which 
 
 his mafter had forfaken with difguft: he 
 
 contented himfelf with turning his part of 
 the ficge into a blockade ; — that is, he kept 
 ©thers off; — for though he never after went 
 to the houfe, yet he never met Bridget in the 
 village, but he would either nod or wink, 
 
 •0
 
 ( 221 ) 
 
 cr fmile, or look kindly at her — or (as tir- 
 cumilances diredted) he would fhake her by 
 the hand — or a(k her lovingly how (he did— 
 or would give her a ribbon — and now-and- 
 then, though never but when it could be 
 done with decorum, would give Bridget a— 
 
 Prccifely in this fituation, did thcfe things 
 iland for five years ; that is from the demo- 
 lition oi Dunkirk in the year 13, to the lat- 
 ter end of my uncle Tobys campaign in the 
 ryear 18, which was about fix or feven weeks 
 
 ■before the time I'm fpcaking of. When 
 
 Trif/ij as his cuftom was, after he had put 
 
 tnyuncleToly to bed, going down one moon- 
 
 ^iny night to fee that every thing vras right 
 
 at his fortifications in the lane feparatcd 
 
 from the bowling-green with flowering 
 ,ilirubs and holly — he efpicd his Bridget, 

 
 ( 222 ) 
 
 As Uie corporal thought there was nothing 
 in the world fo well worth fliewing as the 
 glorious works which he and my uncle To^y 
 had made, Trbn courteoufly and gallantly 
 took her by the hand, and led her in : this 
 was not done fo privately, biit that the foul- 
 mouth'd trumpet of Fame carried it from eat 
 to ear, till at length it reach'd my father's, 
 with this untoward circumftance alono- vvith 
 it, that my uncle T^oby\ curious draw-bridge, 
 conftruded and painted after the Dutch fa- 
 fhion, and which went quite acrofs the ditch 
 — was broke down, and fome how or other 
 crufhed all to pieces that very night. 
 
 My father, as you have obferved, had no 
 great efleem for my uncle ToZi/s hobby-horfe, 
 he thought it the mofl ridiculous horfe that 
 ever 9-entleman mounted ; and indeed unlefs 
 my uncle Tohy vexed him about it, could ne- 
 ver think of it once, without fmiiing at it 
 
 io
 
 ( 223 ) 
 
 — — fo that It never could get lame or hap- 
 pen any mifchance, but it tickled my father's 
 imagination beyond meafure j but this be- 
 ins: an accident much more to his humour 
 tlian any one which had yet befall'n it, it 
 proved an incxhauftible fund of entertain- 
 ment to him. Well but dear Toby! 
 
 my father would fay, do tell me ferioufly 
 how this affair of the bridge happened.— 
 How can you teaze me fo much about it? 
 my uncle Toby would reply — I have told it 
 you twenty times, word for word as Trun' 
 told It me. — Prithee, how was it then, cor- 
 poral ? my father would cry, turning to 
 Trim. — It was a mere misfortune, an' pleafe 
 your honour J 1 was fhewing Mrs. Brid- 
 get out fortifications, and in going too near 
 the edge of the fofle, I unfortunately flipp'd 
 in. — -Very well, Trhn ! my father would 
 
 cry (fmiling myflerioufly, and giving a 
 
 nod but v/ithout interrupting him ■ 
 
 and
 
 ( 22.4 ) 
 
 aTid being linkM fall, an' pleafe your ho- 
 nour, arm in arm v/ith Mrs. Bridget, I 
 dragg'd her after me, by means of which fhe 
 fell backwards fofs againft the bridge — — 
 and Trim's foot (:ny uncle Toby would cry, 
 taking the flory out of his mouth) getting 
 into the cuvette, he tumbled full againft the 
 bridge too. — It was a thoufand to one, my 
 uncle Toby would add, that the poor fellow 
 
 did not break his leg. Ay truly, my 
 
 father would fay a limb is foon broke, 
 
 brother Totjyy in fuch encounters. And 
 
 fo, an' pleafe your honour, the bridge, which 
 your honour knows was a very flight one, 
 was broke down betwixt us, and fplintered 
 all !o pieces. 
 
 At other times, but efpecially when my un- 
 sjc Toby was fo unfortunate as to fay a fylla- 
 ble about cannons, bonvbs, or petards — my fa- 
 ther v»'ou!d exhauft all the ftores of eloquence 
 
 2 (which
 
 ( 2^5 ) 
 
 (which indeed were very great) in a pane- 
 gyric upon the eatt£Ring-rams of the 
 £ntients — the vikea which Alexander made 
 ufe of at the ficge of Troy. — He would tell 
 my uncle Toby of the cATAPULTiE of the 
 Syrians., which threw fuch monftrous ftones 
 io many hundred feet, and Ihookthc flrong- 
 cft bulwarks from their very foundation : — 
 he would wo en and defcribe the wonderful 
 niechanifm of the ballista which Marcel- 
 linus makes fo much rout about ! — the ter- 
 rible effe<fls of the pyraboli, which caft 
 
 fire ; the danger of the terebra and 
 
 SCORPIO, which caft javelins. But what 
 
 are thcfe, would he fay, to the deftru(S}:ive 
 
 machinery of corporal Trim F- Believe 
 
 me, brother Toby, no bridge, or baftion, or 
 fally-port, that ever was conftruJled in this 
 world, can hold out againfl fuch artil- 
 lery. 
 
 V^jL. I[. P My
 
 ( 226 ) 
 
 My uncle 'Toby would never attempt any 
 defence againft the force of this ridicule, 
 but that of redoubling the vehemence of 
 fmoaking his pipe ; in doing which, he 
 raifed (o denfe a vapour one night after fup- 
 ,per, that it fet nny father, who was a little 
 phthifical, into a fufFocating fit cf violent 
 coughing: my uncle Toby leap'd up without 
 feeling the pain upon his groin — and, with 
 infinite pity, flood befide his brother's chair, 
 tapping his back with one hand, and hold- 
 ing his head with the other, and from time 
 to time wiping his eyes with a clean cambrick 
 handkerchief, which he pulled out of his 
 pocket.— —The affedionate and endearing 
 inanner in which my uncle Toby did thefe 
 little offices — cut my father thro' his reins, 
 for the pain he had juft been giving him. 
 
 . -May my brains be knock'd out with a 
 
 -battering ram or a catapulta, I care not 
 
 which,
 
 ( 227 ) 
 
 •which, quoth my father to himfelf — if ever 
 'I infult this worthy foul more ! 
 
 CHAP, XXXIV. 
 
 rir^HE draw-bridge being held irrepa- 
 -*• rable, Trim was ordered diredlly to fet 
 
 about another- but not upon the fame 
 
 model : for cardinal Jlberoni's intrigues at 
 that time being difcovered, and my uncle 
 Toby rightly forefeeing that a flame would in- 
 evitably break out hetvAxt Spain znd the Em- 
 pire, and that the operations of the enfuing 
 campaign muft in all likelihood be either in 
 
 Naples or SitHy he determined upon an 
 
 Italian bridge— (my uncle Tohyy by-the-byc, 
 
 was not far out of his conjedlures) but 
 
 my father, who was infinitely the better 
 politician, and took the lead as far of my 
 uncle Toby in the cabinet, as my uncle Toby 
 took it of him in the field '■ ' convinced 
 
 P 2- hiiii>
 
 .( 228 ) 
 
 •him, that if the king of Spain and the Em- 
 peror went together by the ears, England 
 and France and Holland mufl, by force of 
 ■their pre-engagements,all enter the lifts too; 
 and if fo, he would fay, the comba- 
 ' tants, brother Tohy^ as fure as we are alive, 
 will fall to it again, pell-mell, upon the old 
 prize-fighting ftage of Flanders i — then what 
 will you do with your Italian bridge ? 
 
 —We will go on with it then, upon the 
 old model, cried my uncle Toby. 
 
 When corporal 7'r//;rhad abouthalffinlHi- 
 
 cd it in that ftyle my uncle Toby found 
 
 out a capital defe6l in it, which he had never 
 thoroughly confidered before. It turned, it 
 fcems, upon hinges at both ends of it, open- 
 ing in the middle, one half of which turn- 
 ing to one fide of the fofTe, and the other to 
 4he other j the advantage of which was this, 
 
 that
 
 ( 229 ) 
 
 fhatby dividing the weight of the bridge in« 
 to two equal portions, it impowered my un- 
 cle Toby to raife it up or let it down with ths 
 end of his crutch, and with one hand, 
 which, as his garrifon was weak, was as 
 much as he could well fpare — but the difad- 
 vantages of fuch a conftru6tion were infur- 
 
 mountable ; for by this means, he would 
 
 fay, I leave one halfof my bridge in my ene- 
 my's pofleffion and pray of what ufe is 
 
 the other ? 
 
 The natural remedy for this, was no doubt 
 to have his bridge faft only at one end with 
 hinges, fo that the whole might be lifted up 
 
 together, and fland bolt upright but 
 
 that was reje£ted for the reafon given above 
 
 For a whole week after he was determined 
 in his mind to have one of that particular 
 conftruclion which is made to draw back ho- 
 
 P 3 rizcntaliy,.
 
 ( 230 } 
 
 rizontaily, to hinder a pafiTage ; and to thrufir 
 forwards again to gain a paffage — of which 
 forts your worfhip might have fcen three fa- 
 mous ones at Spires before its deflruilion— 
 and one now at Br'tfiu, if I raiftake not ; — 
 but my father advifing my uncle Toil v, with 
 great earneftnefs, to have nothing more to do 
 with thrufting bridges — and my uncle fore- 
 feeing moreover that it would but perpetuate 
 the memory of the Corporal's misfortune — 
 he changed his mind for that of the marquis 
 £ Hopitafs invention, v/hich the younger 
 Beniouilli has fo wdl and learnedly defcribed, 
 
 as your worfliiips may fee Ad. Erud. 
 
 L'lpf. an. 1695 — to thefe a lead weight is an 
 eternal balance, and keeps watch as well as 
 a couple of centinels, inafmuch as the con- 
 ftru£lion of them v/as a curve line approxi- 
 mating to a cycloid if not a cycloid 
 
 itfelf. 
 
 My
 
 ( 231 ) 
 
 My uncle Toby underftood the nature of 
 a parabola as well as any man in England-^. 
 but was not quite fuch a mafter of the cy- 
 cloid ; he talked however about it every- 
 day the bridge went not forwards. ■ 
 
 We'll afk fomebody about it, cried my 
 uncle Toby to Trim, 
 
 CHAP. XXXV. 
 
 WHEN Trim came in and told my 
 father, that Dr. Slop was in the 
 kitchen, and buly in making a bridge— my 
 
 uncle Toby the affair of the jack-boota 
 
 havino- iuft then raifed a train of military 
 
 ideas in his brain took it inftantly for 
 
 <rranted that Dr. Slop was making a model 
 
 of the marquis d'Hopiial's bridge. 'Tis 
 
 very obliging in him, quoth my uncle Toby ; 
 — pray give my humble fervice to Dr. Slop, 
 Trim, and tell him I thank him heartily. 
 
 p 4 Ila^l
 
 ( 232 } 
 Had my uncle Tobys head been a Savoy- 
 ard's box, and my father peeping in all the 
 
 time at one end of it it could not have 
 
 given him a more diftinft conception of the 
 operations of my uncle Tohys imagination, 
 than v/hat he had ; fo notwrithftandino- the 
 catapulta and battering-ram, and his bitter 
 imprecation about them, he was juft begin- 
 ning to triymph 
 
 When Tt/m's anfwer, in an inftant, tore 
 the laurel from his brows, and twifted it to. 
 pieces. 
 
 CHAP. XXXVI. 
 
 •— — / B "^HIS unfortunate draw-bridge of 
 
 •^ yours, quoth my father God 
 
 blefs your honour, cried Trim., 'tis a bridge 
 
 for mafter's nofe. In bringing him into 
 
 the world with his vile inftruments, he has 
 
 crufli'd
 
 ( 233 ) 
 
 crufh'd his nofe, Sufomtah fays,, as flat as a 
 pancake to his face, and he is making a falfe 
 bridge with a piece of cotton and a thin piece 
 of whalebone out of Sufannah's ftays, to 
 raife it up. 
 
 Lead me, brother Toby^ cried my fa- 
 ther, to my room this inftant. 
 
 CHAP. XXXVII. 
 
 T~^ROM the firft moment I fat down to 
 •■- write my life for the amufement of the 
 world, and my opinions for its inftru£iion, 
 has a cloud infenfibly been gathering over my 
 
 father. A tide of little evils and diflrefles 
 
 has been fettinp; in an;ainft him. — Not one 
 thing, as he obferved himfelf, has gone right : 
 and now is the florm thicken'd and soin": to 
 break, and pour down full upon his head. 
 
 I enter
 
 f 234 ) 
 I enter upon this part of my ftory in the' 
 moft penfive and melancholy frame of mind 
 that ever fympathetic bread: was touched 
 
 yvithi. My nerves relax as I tell it. ■ 
 
 Every line I write, I feel an abatement of 
 the quicknefs of my pulfe, and of that care- 
 Jefs alacrity with it, which every day of my 
 life prompts me to fay and wfite a thoufand 
 
 things I fhould not »And this moment 
 
 that 1 laft dipp'd my pen into my ink, I could 
 not help taking notice v/hat a cautious air of 
 fad compofure and folemnity there appear'd 
 
 in my manner of doing it.-r Lord ! hovy 
 
 different fiom the rafli .ierks, , and . liair- 
 brain'd fquirts thou art wont, Trljlrain^ to 
 tranfadl it v/ith in other humours — dropping 
 
 thy pen fpurting tliy ink about thy table 
 
 and thy books — as if thy pen and thy ink, 
 thy books and furniture coft thee nothing ! 
 
 C H A P.
 
 I 
 
 ( 23s ) 
 
 CHAP. XXXVIIL 
 
 WON'T go about to argue the 
 
 point with you — 'tis fo and I 
 
 am perfuaded of it, madam, as much as caa 
 be, " That both man and woman bear pain 
 " or forrow (and, for aught I know, plea- 
 " fure too) beft in a horizontal pofition." 
 
 The moment my father got up into his 
 chamber, he threw himfelf proftrate acrcfs 
 his bed in the wildeft diforder imaginable, 
 but at the fame time in the moft lamentable 
 attitude of a man borne down with forrows, 
 that ever the eye of pity dropp'd a tear for. 
 
 . The pahn of his^ right hand, as he fell 
 
 upon the bed, receiving his forehead, and 
 covering the greateft part of both his eyes, 
 gently funk down with his head (his elbow 
 giving way backwards) till his nofc touch'd 
 9 the
 
 ( 236 ) 
 
 the quilt; his left arm hung infenfible 
 
 over the fide of the bedj his knuckles re- 
 clining upon the handle of the chamber-pot, 
 which peep'd out beyond the valance— his 
 rjcrhtleg (his left being drawn up towards his 
 body) hung half over the fide of the bedj 
 the edge of it prefiing upon his fliin-bone — 
 He fek it not. A fix'd, inflexible forrow 
 took pofleflion of every line of his face. — 
 
 He fitfh'd once- heaved his breaft often^ 
 
 — but uttered not a word.. 
 
 An old fet-ftitch'd chair, valanced and- 
 fringed around with party-colour'd worfted. 
 bobs, ftood at the bed's head, oppofite to> 
 the fide where my father's head reclined.-— 
 My uncle Toby fat him down in it. 
 
 Before an afflidion is digefted— con fo*. 
 
 lation ever comes too foon ; — and after it 
 
 is digefled— it comes too late : fo that you 
 
 fee,.,
 
 •( 237 ) 
 
 fee, madam, there is but a mark between 
 
 thefe two, as fine almoft as a hair, for a 
 
 ..comforter to take aim at : my uncle Toby was 
 
 always either on this fide, or on that of it, 
 
 and would often fay, He believed in his 
 
 .heart, he could as foon hit the longitude; 
 
 for this reafon, when he fat down in the 
 
 •chair, he drew the curtain a little forwards, 
 
 and having a tear at every one's fervice— — 
 
 he pull'd out a cambrick handkerchief——- 
 
 gave a low figh but held his peace. 
 
 C II A P. XXXIX. 
 
 ■ " /iL'L is not gain that is got into the 
 *■'■ furfe." — Sothatnotwithlland- 
 ing my father had the happincfs of reading 
 ithe oddcO: books in the univerfc, and had 
 moreover, in himfelf, the oddcft way of 
 thinking that ever man in it was blcfs'dwith, 
 yet it had this drawback upon him after all 
 «__- — that it hid him open to f^me of the 
 
 oddcft
 
 ( 238 ) 
 
 ^oddeft and moil whimfical diftrelTes ; of 
 ivhich this particular one, which he funk 
 under at prefent, is as ftrong an example as 
 can be given. 
 
 No doubt, the breaking down of the 
 bridge of a child's nofe, by the edge of a 
 •pair of forceps — however fcientifically ap- 
 plied — would vex any man in the world, 
 who was at fo much pains in begetting a 
 <:hild, as my father was — yet it will not 
 account for the extravagance of his affiidion, 
 or will it juftify the unchrlftian manner he 
 abandoned and furrendered himfelf up to. 
 
 To explain this, I mufi: leave him upon the 
 bed for half an hour — and my uncle Toby 
 in his old fringed chair fitting befide him. 
 
 END OF THE SECOND VOLUME*
 
 BOOKS printed, for J= Dodsley. 
 
 a.>'-r^.HE SERMONS of Mr. Yorick, 
 ■*> 4 vols. 
 
 2. The Preceptor, containing a general 
 :Courfe of Education. 
 
 3. A Colledion of Poems by feveral Hands, 
 6 vols. 
 
 4. A Diftionary of the Englifli Language, in 
 2 vols, folio, and an Abridgment of the fame, in 
 -2 vols. 8vo. 
 
 5. The Works of Dr. Swift compleat, in 410, 
 8vo. and i8vo. 
 
 6. The Works of the Reverend Dr. Edward 
 Young, in 4 vols. izmo. 
 
 7. The New Bath Guide. 
 
 §. The HiHory of Pompey the Little,
 
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