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Copyright, 1893, 
 BY LITTLE, BROWN, AND COMPANV. 
 
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 7 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN FEATHERS HIS OARS WITH SKILL 
 AND DEXTERITY. 
 
 X TOVEMBER is not always the month of fog and 
 1 \l mist and dulness. Oftentimes there are brilliant 
 exceptions to that generally-received rule of depress 
 ing weather, which, in this month (according to our 
 lively neighbours), induces the natives of our Eng 
 lish metropolis to leap in crowds from the Bridge 
 of Waterloo. There are in November days of calm 
 beauty, which are peculiar to that month that kind 
 of calm beauty which is so often seen as the herald of 
 decay. 
 
 But, whatever weather the month may bring to Ox 
 ford, it never brings gloom or despondency to Oxford 
 men. They are a happily constituted set of beings, 
 and can always create their own amusements; they 
 crown Minerva with flowers without heeding her influ- 
 17 
 
 255099 
 
256 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 enza, and never seem to think that the rosy-bosomed 
 Hours may be laid up with bronchitis. Winter and 
 summer appear to be pretty much the same to them: 
 reading and recreation go hand-in-hand all the year 
 
 round; and, among other pleasures, that of boating 
 finds as many votaries in cold November, as it did in 
 sunny June indeed, the chillness of the air, in the 
 former month, gives zest to an amusement which 
 degenerates to hard labour in the dog-days. The 
 classic Isis in the month of November, therefore, 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 2$7 
 
 whenever the weather is any thing like favourable, 
 presents an animated scene. Eight-oars pass along, 
 the measured pull of the oars in the rowlocks marking 
 the time in musical cadence with their plashing dip 
 in the water; perilous skiffs flit like fire-flies over the 
 glassy surface of the river; men lounge about in the 
 house-boats and barges, or gather together at King s, 
 or Hall s, and industriously promulgate small talk and 
 tobacco-smoke. All is gay and bustling. Although 
 the feet of the strollers in the Christ-Church meadows 
 rustle through the sere and yellow leaf, yet rich masses 
 of brown and russet foliage still hang upon the trees, 
 and light up into gold in the sun. The sky is of a 
 cold but bright blue; the distant hills and woods are 
 mellowed into sober purplish-grey tints, but over them 
 the sun looks down with that peculiar red glow which 
 is only seen in November. 
 
 It was one of these bright days of "the month of 
 gloom," that Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. Charles 
 Larkyns being in the room of their friend Mr. Boun 
 cer, the little gentleman inquired, "Now then! what 
 are you two fellers up to? I m game for any thing, 
 I am! from pitch-and-toss to manslaughter." 
 
 "I m afraid," said Charles Larkyns, "that we can t 
 accommodate you in either amusement, although we 
 are going down to the river, with which Verdant 
 wishes to renew his acquaintance. Last term, you 
 remember, you picked him up in the Gut, when he 
 had been played with at pitch-and-toss in a way that 
 very nearly resembled manslaughter. 1 
 
 " I remember, I remember, how old Gig-lamps floated 
 by!" said Mr. Bouncer; "you looked like a half-bred 
 mermaid, Gig-lamps." 
 
258 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 "But the gallant youth," continued Mr. Larkyns, 
 "undismayed by the perils from which he was then 
 happily preserved, has boldly come forward and 
 declared himself a worshipper of Isis, in a way wor 
 thy of the ancient Egyptians, or of Tom Moore s 
 Epicurean." 
 
 "Well! stop a minute, you fellers," said Mr. Boun 
 cer; "I must have my beer first: I can t do without 
 my Bass relief. I m like the party in the old song, 
 and I likes a drop of good beer." And as he uncorked 
 a bottle of Bass, little Mr. Bouncer sang, in notes as 
 musical as those produced from his own tin horn 
 
 " Twixt wet and dry I always try 
 Between the extremes to steer ; 
 
 Though I always shrunk from getting intoxicated, 
 
 I was always fond of my beer ! 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 259 
 
 For I likes a drop of good beer ! 
 I m particularly partial to beer ! 
 
 Porter and swipes 
 
 Always give me the stomach-ache ! 
 
 But that s never the case with beer ! " 
 
 "Bravo, Harry!" cried Charles Larkyns; "you 
 roar us an twere any nightingale. It would do old 
 Bishop Still s heart good to hear you; and sure / 
 think that you can drink with any that wears a hood, 
 or that will wear a hood when you take your Bache 
 lor s, and put on your gown." And Charles Larkyns 
 sang, rather more musically than Mr. Bouncer had 
 done, from that song which, three centuries ago, the 
 Bishop had written in praise of good ale, 
 
 Let back and side go bare, go bare, 
 
 Both hand and foot go cold : 
 But, belly, God send thee good ale enough, 
 
 Whether it be new or old. 
 
 They were soon down at the river side, where 
 Verdant was carefully put into a tub (alas ! the dear, 
 awkward, safe, old things are fast passing away; they 
 are giving place to suicidal skiffs, and will soon be 
 numbered among the boats of other days ! ) and was 
 started off with almost as much difficulty as on his 
 first essay. The tub which was, indeed, his old 
 friend the " Sylph,"-- betrayed an awkward propensity 
 for veering round towards Folly Bridge, which our 
 hero at first failed to overcome; and it was not until 
 he had performed a considerable amount of crab-catch 
 ing, that he was enabled to steer himself in the proper 
 direction. Charles Larkyns had taken his seat in an 
 outrigger skiff (so frail and shaky that it made Verdant 
 nervous to look at it), and, with one or two powerful 
 
260 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 strokes, had shot ahead, backed water, turned, and 
 pulled back round the tub long before Verdant had 
 succeeded in passing that eccentric mansion, to which 
 allusion has before been made, as possessing in the 
 place of cellars, an ingenious system of small rivers 
 to thoroughly irrigate its foundation a hydropathic 
 treatment which may (or may not) be agreeable in 
 
 Venice, but strikes one as being decidedly cold and 
 comfortless when applied to Oxford, at any rate, in 
 the month of November. Walking on the lawn which 
 stretched from this house towards the river, our hero 
 espied two extremely pretty young ladies, whose hearts 
 he endeavoured at once to take captive by displaying 
 all his powers in that elegant exercise in which they 
 saw him engaged. It may reasonably be presumed 
 that Mr. Verdant Green s hopes were doomed to be 
 blighted. 
 
 Let us leave him, and take a look at Mr. Bouncer. 
 
 Mr. Bouncer had been content to represent the 
 prowess of his college in the cricket-field, and had 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 261 
 
 never aspired to any fame as an oar. The exertions, 
 as well as the fame, of aquatic honours, he had left to 
 Mr. Blades, and those others like him, who considered 
 it a trifle to pull down to Iffley and back again, two or 
 three times a day, at racing pace with a fresh spurt 
 put on every five minutes. Mr. Bouncer, too, had an 
 antipathy to eat beefsteaks otherwise than in the state 
 in which they are usually brought to table; and, as it 
 seemed a sine qua non with the gentleman who super 
 intended the training for the boat-races, that his pupils 
 should daily devour beefsteaks which had merely 
 looked at the fire, Mr. Bouncer, not having been 
 brought up to cannibal habits, was unable to conform 
 himself to this, and those other vital principles which 
 seemed to regulate the science of aquatic training. 
 The little gentleman, moreover, did not join with the 
 "Torpids" (as the second boats of a college are 
 called), either, because he had a soul above them, 
 he would be aut Ccesar, ant nullus ; either in the eight, 
 or nowhere, or else, because even the Torpids would 
 cause him more trouble and pleasurable pain than would 
 be agreeable to him. When Mr. Bouncer sat down 
 on any hard substance, he liked to be able to do so 
 without betraying any emotion that the action caused 
 him personal discomfort ; and he had noticed that many 
 of the Torpids not to mention one or two of the 
 eight were more particular than young men usually 
 are about having a very easy, soft, and yielding chair 
 to sit on. 
 
 Mr. Bouncer, too, was of opinion that continued blis 
 ters were both unsightly and unpleasant ; and that 
 rawness was bad enough when taken in conjunction with 
 beefsteaks, without being extended to one s own hands. 
 
262 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 He had also a summer passion for ices and creams, which 
 were forbidden luxuries to one in training, although 
 (paradoxical as it may seem to say so) they trained on 
 Isis ! He had also acquired a bad habit of getting up 
 in one day, and going to bed in the next, keeping 
 late hours, and only rising early when absolutely com 
 pelled to do so in order to keep morning chapel a 
 habit which the trainer would have interfered with 
 considerably to the little gentleman s advantage. He 
 had also an amiable weakness for pastry, port, claret, 
 " et hock genus omne ; " and would have felt it a cruelty 
 to have been deprived of his daily modicum of 
 " smoke ; " and in all these points, boat-training would 
 have materially interfered with his comfort. 
 
 Mr. Bouncer, therefore, amused himself equally as 
 much to his own satisfaction as if he had been one of 
 the envied eight, by occasionally paddling about with 
 Charles Larkyns in an old pair-oar, built by Davis and 
 King, and bought by Mr. Bouncer of its late Brazenfa- 
 cian proprietor, when that gentleman, after a humorous 
 series of plucks, rustications, and heavy debts, had 
 finally been compelled to migrate to the King s Bench, 
 for that purification of purse and person commonly 
 designated " whitewashing." When Charles Larkyns 
 and his partner did not use their pair-oar, the former 
 occupied his outrigger skiff; and the latter, taking Huz 
 and Buz on board a sailing boat, tacked up and down 
 the river with great skill, the smoke gracefully curling 
 from his meerschaum or short black pipe, for Mr. 
 Bouncer disapproved of smoking cigars at those times 
 when the wind would have assisted him to get through 
 them. 
 
 " Hullo, Gig-lamps ! here we are ! as the clown says 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 263 
 
 in the pantermime," sung out the little gentleman as he 
 came up with our hero, who was performing some 
 extraordinary feats in full sight of the University crew, 
 who were just starting from their barge; "you get no 
 end of exercise out of your tub, I should think, by the 
 
 style you work those paddles. They go in and out 
 beautiful! Splish, splash; splish, splash! You must 
 be one of the wherry identical Row-brothers-row, whose 
 voices kept tune and whose oars kept time, you know. 
 You ought to go and splish-splash in the Freshman s 
 River, Gig-lamps; but I forgot you ain t a freshman 
 now, are you, old feller? Those swells in the University 
 boats look as though they were bursting with envy- 
 not to say, with laughter," added Mr. Bouncer, sotto voce. 
 " Who taught you to do the dodge in such a stunning 
 way, Gig-lamps? " 
 
 "Why, last term, Charles Larkyns did," responded 
 Mr. Verdant Green, with the freshness of a Freshman 
 still lingering lovingly upon him. " I ve not forgotten 
 what he told me, to put in my oar deep, and to bring 
 
264 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 it out with a jerk. But though I make them go as deep 
 as I can, and jerk them out as much as possible, yet the 
 boat will keep turning round, and I can t keep it 
 straight at all ; and the oars are very heavy and unman 
 ageable, and keep slipping out of the rowlocks - 
 
 " Commonly called rutlocks" put in Mr. Bouncer, as 
 a parenthetical correction, or marginal note on Mr. Ver 
 dant Green s words. 
 
 " And when the Trinity boat went by, I could scarcely 
 get out of their way; and they said very unpleasant 
 things to me; and, altogether, I can assure you that it 
 has made me very hot." 
 
 "And a capital thing, too, Gig-lamps, this cold 
 November day," said Mr. Bouncer; "I m obliged to 
 keep my coppers warm with this pea-coat, and my pipe. 
 Charley came alongside me just now, on purpose to fire 
 off one of his poetical quotations. He said that 
 reminded him of Beattie s Minstrel : - 
 
 * Dainties he heeded not, nor gaud, nor toy, 
 Save one short pipe. 
 
 I think that was something like it. But you see, Gig- 
 lamps, I haven t got a figure-head for these sort of 
 things like Charley has, so I could n t return his shot; 
 but since then, to me deeply pondering, as those old 
 Greek parties say, a fine sample of our superior old 
 crusted jokes has come to hand ; and when Charley 
 next pulls alongside, I shall tell him that I am like that 
 beggar we read about in old Slowcoach s lecture the 
 other day, and that, if I had been in the humour, I 
 could have sung out, lo Bacche ! * I owe baccy - d ye 
 
 i " Si collibuisset, ab ovo 
 
 Usque ad mala citaret, lo Bacche ! " - Hor. Sat. lib. i. 3- 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 265 
 
 see Gig-lamps? Well, old feller! you look rather 
 puffed, so clap on your coat; and, if there s a rope s 
 end, or a chain, in your tub, and you 11 just pay it out 
 here, I 11 make you fast astern, and pull you down the 
 river; and then you ll be in prime condition to work 
 yourself up again. The wind s in our back, and we shall 
 
 get on jolly." 
 
 So our hero made fast the tub to his friend s sailing- 
 boat, and was towed as far as the Haystack. 
 the voyage Mr. Bouncer 
 ascertained that Mr. 
 Charles Larkyns had 
 improved some of the 
 shining hours of the long 
 vacation considerably to 
 Mr. Verdant Green s 
 benefit, by teaching him 
 the art of swimming - 
 a polite accomplishment 
 of which our hero had 
 been hitherto ignorant. 
 Little Mr. Bouncer, 
 therefore, felt easier in 
 his mind, if any repeti 
 tion of his involuntary 
 bath in the Gut should 
 befall our hero ; and, 
 after giving him (won 
 derful to say) some correct advice regarding the man 
 agement of the oars, he cast off the " Sylph," and left 
 her and our hero to their own devices. But, profiting 
 by the friendly hints which he had received, Mr. Ver 
 dant Green made considerable progress in the skill and 
 
266 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 dexterity with which he feathered his oars ; and he sat 
 in his tub looking as wise as Diogenes may (perhaps) 
 have done in his. He moreover pulled the boat back 
 to Hall s without meeting with any accident worth men 
 tioning ; and when he had got on shore he was highly 
 complimented by Mr. Blades and a group of boating 
 gentlemen " for the admirable display of science which 
 he had afforded them." 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green was afterwards taken alternately 
 by Charles Larkyns and Mr. Bouncer in their pair-oar; 
 so that, by the end of the term, he at any rate knew 
 more of boating than to accept as one of its fundamental 
 rules, " put your oar in deep, and bring it out with a 
 jerk." 
 
 In the first week in December he had an opportunity 
 of pulling over a fresh piece of water. One of those 
 inundations occurred to which Oxford is so liable, and 
 the meadow-land to the south and west of the city was 
 covered by the flood. Boats plied to and from the rail 
 way station in place of omnibuses; the Great Western 
 was not to be seen for water; and, at the Abingdon- 
 road bridge, at Cold-harbour, the rails were washed 
 away, and the trains brought to a stand-still. The Isis 
 was amplified to the width of the Christ-church mead 
 ows ; the Broad Walk had a peep of itself upside down 
 in the glassy mirror; the windings of the Cherwell 
 could only be traced by the trees on its banks. There 
 was 
 
 " Water, water everywhere ; " 
 
 and a disagreeable quantity of it too, as those Christ- 
 church men whose ground-floor rooms were towards 
 the meadows soon discovered. Mr. Bouncer is sup 
 posed to have brought out one of his " fine, old, crusted 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 267 
 
 jokes," when he asserted in reference to the inunda 
 tion, that " Nature had assumed a lake complexion." 
 Posts and rails, and hay, and a miscellaneous collection 
 of articles, were swept along by the current, together 
 with the bodies of hapless sheep and pigs. But, in 
 spite of these incumbrances, boats of all descriptions 
 were to be seen sailing, pulling, skiffing, and punting, 
 
 CJ 
 
 over the flooded meadows. Numerous were the dis 
 asters, and many were the boats that were upset. 
 
 Indeed, the adventures of Mr. Verdant Green would 
 probably have here terminated in a misadventure, had 
 he not (thanks to Charles Larkyns) mastered the art of 
 swimming; for he was in Mr. Bouncer s sailing-boat, 
 which was sailing very merrily over the flood, when its 
 merriness was suddenly checked by its grounding on the 
 stump of a lopped pollard willow, and forthwith capsiz 
 ing. Our hero, who had been sitting in the bows, was 
 at once swept over by the sail, and, for a moment, was 
 in great peril; but, disengaging himself from the cord- 
 
268 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 age, he struck out, and swam to a willow whose friendly 
 boughs and top had just formed an asylum for Mr. 
 Bouncer, who in great anxiety was coaxing Huz and 
 Buz to swim to the same ark of safety. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. Bouncer were speedily 
 rescued from their position, and were not a little thank 
 ful for their escape. 
 
CHAPTER VII. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN PARTAKES OF A DOVE-TART 
 AND A SPREAD-EAGLE. 
 
 HULLO, Gig-lamps, you lazy beggar ! " said the 
 cheery voice of little Mr. Bouncer, as he 
 walked into our hero s bedroom one morning towards 
 the end of term, and found Mr. Verdant Green in bed, 
 though sufficiently awakened by the sounding of Mr. 
 Bouncer s octaves for the purposes of conversation ; 
 " this 11 never do, you know, Gig-lamps ! Cutting 
 chapel to do the downy ! Why, what do you mean, sir? 
 Didn t you ever learn in the nursery what happened 
 to old Daddy Longlegs when he would n t say his 
 prayers?" 
 
2/O THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 " Robert did call me," said our hero, rubbing his eyes ; 
 " but I felt tired, so I told him to put in an ceger" 
 
 " Upon my word, young un," observed Mr. Bouncer, 
 " you re a coming it, you are ! and only in your second 
 term, too. What makes you wear a nightcap, Gig- 
 lamps? Is it to make your hair curl, or to keep your 
 
 venerable head warm? Nightcaps ain t healthy; they 
 are only fit for long-tailed babbies, and old birds that 
 are as bald as coots ; or else for gents that grease their 
 wool with thine incomparable oil, Macassar, as the 
 noble poet justly remarks. 
 
 " It ain t always pleasant," continued the little gentle 
 man, who was perched up on the side of the bed, and 
 seemed in a communicative disposition, " it ain t always 
 pleasant to turn out for morning chapel, is it, Gig- 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 271 
 
 lamps? But it s just like the eels with their skinning: 
 it goes against the grain at first, but you soon get used 
 to it. When I first came up, I was a frightful lazy 
 beggar, and I got such a heap of impositions for not 
 keeping my morning chapels, that I was obliged to 
 have three fellers constantly at work writing em out for 
 me. This was rather expensive, you see ; and then the 
 dons threatened to take away my term altogether, and 
 
 bring me to grief, if I didn t be more regular. So I 
 was obliged to make a virtuous resolution, and I told 
 Robert that he was to insist on my getting up in a 
 morning, and I should tip him at the end of term if he 
 succeeded. So at first he used to come and hammer 
 at the door; but that was no go. So then he used to 
 come in and shake me, and try to pull the clothes off; 
 but, you see, I always used to prepare for him, by tak 
 ing a good supply of boots and things to bed with me; 
 so I was able to take shies at the beggar till he vanished, 
 and left me to snooze peaceably. You see, it ain t 
 every feller as likes to have a Wellington boot at his 
 18 
 
272 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 head ; but that rascal ot a Robert is used to those trifles, 
 and I was obliged to try another dodge. This you 
 know was only of a morning when I was in bed. When 
 I had had my breakfast, and got my imposition, and 
 become virtuous again, I used to slang him awful for 
 having let me cut chapel ; and then I told him that he 
 must always stand at the door until he heard me out of 
 bed. But, when the morning came, it seemed running 
 such a risk, you see, to one s lungs and all those sort 
 of things to turn out of the warm bed into the cold 
 chapel, that I would answer Robert when he hammered 
 at the door; but, instead of getting up, I would knock 
 my boots against the floor, as though I was out of bed, 
 don t you see, and was padding about. But that wretch 
 of a Robert was too old a bird to be caught with this 
 dodge ; so he used to sing out, You must show a leg, 
 sir! and, as he kept on hammering at the door till I 
 did for, you see, Gig-lamps, he was looking out for the 
 tip at the end of term, so it made him persevere 
 and as his beastly hammering used, of course, to put a 
 stopper on my going to sleep again, I used to rush out 
 in a frightful state of wax, and show a leg. And then, 
 being well up, you see, it was no use doing the downy 
 again, so it was just as well to make one s twilight and 
 go to chapel. Don t gape, Gig-lamps ; it s beastly rude, 
 and I have n t done yet. I m going to tell you another 
 dodge one of old Smalls . He invested money in an 
 alarum, with a string from it tied on to the bed-clothes, 
 so as to pull them off at whatever time you chose to 
 set it. But I never saw the fun of being left high and 
 dry on your bed: it would be a shock to the system 
 which 1 could n t stand. But even this dreadful expe 
 dient would be better than posting an ager ; which, you 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 273 
 
 know, you didn t ought to was, Gig-lamps. Well, turn 
 out, old feller ! I Ve told Robert to take your com 
 mons 1 into my room. Smalls and Charley are coming, 
 and I Ve got a dove-tart and a spread-eagle." 
 
 " Whatever are they? " asked Mr. Verdant Green. 
 
 "Not know what they are!" cried Mr. Bouncer; 
 " why a dove-tart is what mortals call a pigeon-pie. I 
 ain t much in Tennyson s line, but it strikes me that 
 dove-tarts are more poetical than the other thing; 
 spread-eagle is a barn-door fowl smashed out flat, and 
 made jolly with mushroom sauce, and no end of good 
 things. I don t know how they squash it, but I should 
 say that they sit upon it; I daresay, if we were to 
 inquire, we should find that they kept a fat feller on 
 purpose. But you just come, and try how it eats." 
 And, as Mr. Verdant Green s bedroom barely afforded 
 standing room, even for one, Mr. Bouncer walked into 
 the sitting-room, while his friend arose from his couch 
 like a youthful Adonis, and proceeded to bathe his 
 ambrosial person, by taking certain sanatory measures 
 in splashing about in a species of tub a performance 
 which Mr. Bouncer was wont to term " doincf tumbies." 
 
 o 
 
 -" What 11 you take for your letters, Gig-lamps?" 
 called out the little gentleman from the other room ; 
 "the Post s in, and here are three for you. Two are 
 from women, young uns I should say, from the regu- 
 
 1 The rations of bread, butter, and milk, supplied from the but 
 tery. The breakfast-giver tells his scout the names of those 
 ///-college men who are coming to breakfast with him. The scout 
 then collects their commons, which thus forms the substratum of 
 the entertainment. The other things are of course supplied by the 
 giver of the breakfast, and are sent in by the confectioner. As to 
 the knives and forks and crockery, the scout produces them from 
 his common stock. 
 
2/4 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 lar ups and downs, and right angles: they look like 
 billyduxes. Give you a bob for them, at a venture ! 
 they may be funny. The other is suspiciously like a 
 tick, and ought to be looked shy on. I should advise 
 you not to open it, but to pitch it in the fire : it may 
 save a fit of the blues. If you want any help over shaving, 
 just say so, Gig-lamps, will you, before I go ; and then I 11 
 hold your nose for you, or do any thing else that s civil 
 and accommodating. And, when you Ve done your 
 tumbies, come in to the dove-tart and the spread-eagle." 
 And off went Mr. Bouncer, making terrible noises with 
 his post-horn, in his strenuous but futile endeavours to 
 discover the octaves. 
 
 Our hero soon concluded his " tumbies" and his 
 dressing (not including the shaving), and made his way 
 to Mr. Bouncer s rooms, where he did full justice to the 
 dove-tart, and admired the spread-eagle so much, that 
 he thought of bribing the confectioner for the recipe to 
 take home as a Christmas-box for his mother. 
 
 " Well, Gig-lamps," said Mr. Bouncer, when breakfast 
 was over, "to spare the blushes on your venerable 
 cheeks, I won t even so much as refer to the billyduxes ; 
 but, I 11 only ask, what was the damage of the tick? " 
 
 " Oh ! it was not a bill," replied Mr. Verdant Green ; 
 it was a letter about a dog from the man of whom I 
 bought Mop last term." 
 
 "What! Filthy Lucre? " cried Mr. Bouncer; "well, 
 I thought, somehow, I knew the fist ! he writes just as 
 if he d learnt from imitating his dogs hind-legs. Let s 
 have a sight of it if it ain t private and confidential ! " 
 
 " Oh dear no ! on the contrary, I was going to show 
 it to you, and ask your advice on the contents." And 
 Verdant handed to Mr. Bouncer a letter, which had 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 275 
 
 been elaborately sealed with the aid of a key, and was 
 directed high up in the left-hand corner to 
 
 " Virdon grene es qre braisenface 
 collidge Oxford." 
 
 " You look beastly lazy, Charley ! " said Mr. Bouncer 
 to Mr. Charles Larkyns; " so, while I fill my pipe, just 
 spit out the letter, pro bono" And Charles Larkyns, 
 lying in Mr. Bouncer s easiest lounging chair, read as 
 follows : 
 
 " Onnerd sir i tak the libbaty of a Dressin of you in respex of 
 A dog which i wor sorry For to ear of your Loss in mop which i 
 had The pleshur of Sellin of 2 you onnerd sir A going astray And 
 not a turnin hup Bein of A unsurtin Temper and guv to A folarin 
 of strandgers which wor maybe as ow You wor a lusein on him 
 onnerd Sir bein Overdogd at this ere present i can let you have A 
 rale good teryer at A barrging which wold giv sattefacshun onnered 
 Sir it wor 12 munth ago i Sold to Bounser esqre a red smooth air 
 terier Dog anserin 2 nam of Tug as wor rite down goodun and No 
 mistake onnerd Sir the purpurt Of this ere is too say as ow i 
 have a Hone brother to Tug black tann and ful ears and If you 
 wold like him i shold bee prowd too wate on you onnerd Sir he 
 wor by robbingsons Twister out of mister jones of abingdons Fan 
 of witch brede Bounser esqre nose on the merritts onnerd Sir he 
 is very Smal and smooth air and most xlent aither for wood Or 
 warter a liter before Tug onnerd Sir is nam is Vermin and he 
 hant got his nam by no mistake as No Vermin not even poll katts 
 can live long before him onnerd Sir I considders as vermin is 
 very sootble compannion for a Gent indors or hout and bein lively 
 wold give amoosement i shall fele it A plesure a waitin on you 
 onnerd Sir opin you will pardin the libbaty of a Dressin of you 
 but my head wor ful of vermin and i wishd to tel you 
 " onnerd Sir yures 
 
 2 komand j. Looker." 
 
 " The nasty beggar ! " said Mr. Bouncer, in reference 
 to the last paragraph. "Well, Gig-lamps! Filthy 
 
2/6 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 Lucre does n t tell fibs when he says that Tug came of 
 a good breed : but he was so doosed pugnacious, that 
 he was always having set-to s with Huz and Buz, in the 
 coal-shop just outside the door here; and so, as I d 
 
 nowhere else to stow them, I was obliged to give Tug 
 away. Dr. What s-his-name says, Let dogs delight 
 to bark and bite, for t is their nature to. But then, 
 you see, it s only a delight when they bite somebody 
 else s dog ; and if Dr. What s-his-name had had a ken 
 nel of his own, he would n t have took it so coolly; and, 
 whether it was their nature so to do or not, he would n t 
 have let the little beggars, that he fork d out thirteen 
 bob a-year for to the government, amuse themselves by 
 biting each other, or tearing out each other s eyes; he d 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 2/7 
 
 have turn d them over, don t you see, to his neighbours* 
 dogs, and have let them do the biting department on 
 them. And, altogether, Gig-lamps, I d advise you to 
 let Filthy Lucre s Vermin alone, and have nothing to do 
 with the breed." 
 
 So Mr. Verdant Green took his friend s advice, and 
 then took himself off to learn boxing at the hands, and 
 gloves, of the Putney Pet ; for our hero, at the sugges 
 tion of Mr. Charles Larkyns, had thought it advisable to 
 receive a few lessons in the fistic art, in order that he 
 might be the better able to defend himself, should he be 
 engaged in a second Town and Gown. He found the 
 Pet in attendance upon Mr. Foote ; and, by their mutual 
 aid, speedily mastered the elements of the Art of Self- 
 defence. 
 
 Mr. Foote s rooms at St. John s were in the further 
 corner to the right-hand side of the Quad, and had win 
 dows looking into the gardens. When Charles had held 
 his Court at St. John s, and when the loyal College had 
 melted down its plate to coin into money for the King s 
 necessities, the Royal visitor had occupied these very 
 rooms. But it was not on this account alone that they 
 were the show rooms of the College, and that tutors 
 sent their compliments to Mr. Foote, with the request 
 that he would allow a party of friends to see his rooms. 
 It was chiefly on account of the lavish manner in which 
 Mr. Foote had furnished his rooms, with what he theatri 
 cally called " properties," that made them so sought 
 out ; and country lionisers of Oxford, who took their 
 impressions of an Oxford student s room from those of 
 Mr. Foote, must have entertained very highly coloured 
 ideas of the internal aspect of the sober-looking old 
 Colleges. 
 
2/8 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 The sitting-room was large and lofty, and was panelled 
 with oak throughout. At the further end was an elabo 
 rately carved book-case of walnut wood, filled with 
 books gorgeously bound in every tint of morocco and 
 vellum, with their backs richly tooled in gold. It was 
 currently reported in the College that " Footelights " 
 had given an order for a certain number of feet of books, 
 - not being at all proud as to theineontents, and had 
 laid down the sum of a thousand pounds (or there 
 abouts) for their binding. This might have been 
 scandal ; but the fact of his father being a Colossus of 
 (the iron) Roads, and indulging his son and heir in 
 every expense, gave some colour to the rumour. 
 
 The panels were covered with the choicest engravings 
 (all proofs-befo re-letters), and with water-colour draw 
 ings by Cattermole, Cox, Fripp, Hunt, and Frederick 
 Tayler their wide, white margins being sunk in light 
 gilt frames. Above these gleamed groups of armour, 
 standing out effectively (and theatrically), against the 
 dark oak panels, and full of " reflected lights," that 
 would have gladdened the heart of Maclise. There 
 were couches of velvet, and lounging chairs of every 
 variety and shape. There was a Broadwood s grand 
 piano-forte, on which Mr. Foote, although uninstructed, 
 could play skilfully. There were round tables and 
 square tables, and writing tables ; and there were side 
 tables with statuettes, and Swiss carvings, and old china, 
 and gold apostle-spoons, and lava ware, and Etruscan 
 vases, and a swarm of Spiers s elegant knick-knackeries. 
 There were reading-stands of all sorts; Briarean-armed 
 brazen ones that fastened on to the chair you sat in, 
 sloping ones to rest on the table before you, elaborately 
 carved in open work, and an upright one of severe 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 2/9 
 
 Gothic, like a lectern, where you were to stand and read 
 without contracting your chest. Then there were all 
 kinds of stands to hold books : sliding ones, expanding 
 ones, portable ones, heavy fixture ones, plain mahogany 
 ones, and oak ones made glorious by Margetts with the 
 arms of Oxford and St. John s, carved and emblazoned 
 on the ends. 
 
 Mr. Foote s rooms were altogether a very gorgeous 
 instance of a Collegian s apartment ; and Mr. Foote him 
 self was a very striking example of the theatrical under 
 graduate. Possessing great powers of mimicry and 
 facial expression, he was able to imitate any peculiarities 
 which were to be observed either in Dons or Under 
 graduates, in Presidents or Scouts. He could sit down 
 at his piano, and give you after the manner of Theo 
 dore Hook, or John Parry a burlesque opera; singing 
 high up in his head for the prima donna, and going 
 down to his boots for the basso profondo of the great 
 Lablache. He could also draw corks, saw wood, do a 
 bee in a handkerchief, and make monkeys, cats, dogs, a 
 farm-yard, or a full band, with equal facility. He would 
 also give you Mr. Keeley, in " Betsy Baker; " Mr. Paul 
 Bedford, as " I believe you my bo-o-oy; " Mr. Buck- 
 stone, as Cousin Joe, and "Box and Cox;" or Mr. 
 Wright, as Paul Pry, or Mr. Felix Fluffy. Besides the 
 comedians, Mr. Footelights would also give you the 
 leading tragedians, and would favour you (through his 
 nose) with the popular burlesque imitation of Mr. 
 Charles Kean, as H ablet. He would fling himself down 
 on the carpet, and grovel there, as Hamlet does in the 
 play-scene, and would exclaim, with frantic vehemence, 
 " He poisods hib i the garded, for his estate. His 
 dabe s Godzago : the story is extadt, ad writted id very 
 
280 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 choice Italiad. You shall see adod, how the burderer 
 gets the love of Godzago s wife." Moreover, as his 
 room possessed the singularity of a trap-door leading 
 down into a wine-cellar, Mr. " Footelights " was thus 
 enabled to leap down into the aperture, and carry on 
 the personation of Hamlet in Ophelia s grave. As the 
 theatrical trait in his character was productive of much 
 amusement, and as he was also considered to be one of 
 those hilarious fragments of masonry, popularly known 
 as " jolly bricks," Mr. Foote s society was greatly culti 
 vated ; and Mr. Verdant Green struck up a warm 
 friendship with him. 
 
 But the Michaelmas term was drawing to its close. 
 Buttery and kitchen books were adding up their sums 
 total; bursars were preparing for battels; l witless men 
 were cramming for Collections ; 2 scouts and bedmakers 
 were looking for tips ; and tradesmen were hopelessly 
 expecting their little accounts. And, in a few days, 
 Mr. Verdant Green might have been seen at the railway 
 station, in company with Mr. Charles Larkyns and Mr. 
 Bouncer, setting out for the Manor Green, via London 
 
 this being, as is well known, the most direct route 
 
 from Oxford to Warwickshire. 
 
 Mr. Bouncer, who when travelling was never easy in 
 his mind unless Huz and Buz were with him in the same 
 carriage, had placed these two interesting specimens of 
 
 1 Battels are the accounts of the expenses of each student. It is 
 stated in Todd s " Johnson " that this singular word is derived from 
 the Saxon verb, meaning " to count or reckon." But it is stated 
 in the Gentleman s Magazine for 1792, that the word may pro- 
 bably be derived from the Low-German word bettohk*, " to pay, 
 whence may come our English word, tale or score. 
 2 College Terminal Examinations. 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 28l 
 
 the canine species in a small light box, partially venti 
 lated by means of holes drilled through the top. But 
 Huz and Buz, not much admiring this contracted mode 
 of conveyance, and probably suffering from incipient 
 asphyxia, in spite of the admonitory kicks against their 
 box, gave way to dismal howls, at the very moment 
 when the guard came to look at the tickets. 
 
 " Can t allow dogs in here, sir! they must go in the 
 locker," said the guard. 
 
 "Dogs?" cried Mr. Bouncer, in apparent astonish 
 ment : " they re rabbits ! " 
 
 " Rabbits ! " ejaculated the guard, in his turn. " Oh, 
 come, sir! what makes rabbits bark? " 
 
 " What makes em bark? Why, because they ve got 
 the pip, poor beggars ! " replied Mr. Bouncer, promptly. 
 At which the guard graciously laughed, and retired; 
 probably thinking that he should, in the end, be a 
 gainer if he allowed Huz and Buz to journey in the 
 same first-class carriage with their master. 
 
282 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN SPENDS A MERRY CHRISTMAS 
 AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR. 
 
 CHRISTMAS had 
 come ; the season of 
 kindness, and hospi- 
 t a 1 i t y ; the season 
 when the streams of 
 benevolence flow full 
 in their channels ; the 
 season when the Hon 
 ourable Miss Hyems 
 indulges herself with 
 ice, while the vulgar 
 Jack Frost regales 
 himself with cold- 
 without. Christmas 
 had come, and had 
 brought with it an 
 old fashioned winter; 
 and, as Mr. Verdant 
 Green stands with his 
 hands in his pockets, 
 and gazes from the 
 
 drawing-room of his paternal mansion, he looks forth 
 
 upon a white world. 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 283 
 
 The snow is everywhere. The shrubs are weighed 
 down by masses of it; the terrace is knee-deep in it; 
 the plaster Apollo, in the long-walk, is more than knee- 
 deep in it, and is furnished with a surplice and wig, like 
 a half-blown Bishop. The distant country looks the 
 very ghost of a landscape : the white-walled cottages 
 seem part and parcel of the snow-drifts around them,- 
 drifts that take every variety of form, and are swept by 
 the wind into faery wreaths, and fantastic caves. The 
 old mill-wheel is locked fast, and gemmed with giant 
 icicles ; its slippery stairs are more slippery than ever. 
 Golden gorse and purple heather are now all of a 
 colour ; orchards put forth blossoms of real snow ; the 
 gently swelling hills look bright and dazzling in the 
 wintry sun ; the grey church tower has grown from 
 grey to white; nothing looks black, except the swarms 
 of rooks that dot the snowy fields, or make their caws 
 (long as any Chancery-suit) to be heard from among 
 the dark branches of the stately elms that form the 
 avenue to the Manor-Green. 
 
 It is a rare busy time for the intelligent Mr. Mole the 
 gardener! he is always sweeping at that avenue, and, do 
 what he will, he cannot keep it clear from snow. As 
 Mr. Verdant Green looks forth upon the white world, 
 his gaze is more particularly directed to this avenue, as 
 though the form of the intelligent Mr. Mole was an 
 object of interest. From time to time Mr. Verdant 
 Green consults his watch in a nervous manner, and is 
 utterly indifferent to the appeals of the robin-redbreast 
 who is hopping about outside, in expectation of the din 
 ner which has been daily given to him. 
 
 Just when the robin, emboldened by hunger, has 
 begun to tap fiercely with his bill against the window- 
 
284 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 pane, as a gentle hint that the smallest donations oi 
 crumbs of comfort will be thankfully received, Mr. 
 Verdant Green, utterly oblivious of robins in general, and 
 of the sharp pecks of this one in particular, takes no 
 
 notice of the little red 
 breast waiter with the 
 bill, but, slightly col 
 ouring up, fixes his 
 gaze upon the lodge- 
 gate through which a 
 group of ladies and 
 gentlemen are pass 
 ing. Stepping back 
 for a moment, and 
 stealing a glance at 
 himself in the mirror, 
 Mr. Verdant Green 
 hurriedly arranges 
 and disarranges his 
 hair pulls about his 
 collar ties and un 
 ties his neck-handkerchief buttons and then unbut 
 tons his coat takes another look from the window - 
 sees the intelligent Mr. Mole (besom in hand) salaaming 
 the party, and then makes a rush for the vestibule, to 
 be at the door to receive them. 
 
 Let us take a look at them as they come up the 
 avenue. Place aux dames, is the proper sort of thing ; 
 but as there is no rule without its exception, and no 
 adage without its counter-proverb, we will give the 
 gentlemen the priority of description. 
 
 Hale and hearty, the picture of amiability and gentle 
 manly feeling, comes the Rector, Mr. Larkyns, sturdily 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 285 
 
 crunching the frozen snow, which has defied all the 
 besom powers of the intelligent Mr. Mole. Here, too, 
 is Mr. Charles Larkyns, and, moreover, his friend Henry 
 Bouncer, Esq., who has come to christmas at the Rec 
 tory. Following in their wake is a fourth gentleman 
 attired in the costume peculiar to clergymen, dissenting 
 ministers, linen-drapers assistants, and tavern waiters. 
 He happens to belong to the first-named section, and 
 is no less a person than the Rev. Josiah Meek, B.A., (St. 
 Christopher s Coll., Oxon.) who, for the last three 
 months, has officiated as Mr. Larkyns s curate. He 
 appears to be of a peace-loving, lamb-like disposition ; 
 and, though sportive as a lamb when occasion requires, 
 is yet of timid ways and manners. He is timid, too, in 
 voice, speaking in a feeble treble; he is timid, too, 
 in his address, more particularly as regards females ; 
 and he has mild-looking whiskers, that are far too timid 
 to assume any decided or obtrusive colour, and have 
 fallen back on a generalised whitey-brown tint. But, 
 though timid enough in society, he was bold and ener 
 getic in the discharge of his pastoral duties, and had 
 already won the esteem of every one in the parish. So, 
 Verdant had been told, when, on his return from college, 
 he had asked his sisters how they liked the new curate. 
 They had not only heard of his good deeds, but they 
 had witnessed many of them in their visits to the schools 
 and among the poor. Mary and Fanny were loud in 
 his praise; and if Helen said but little, it was perhaps 
 because she thought the more ; for Helen was now of 
 the susceptible age of " sweet seventeen," an age that 
 not only feels warmly but thinks deeply; and who shall 
 say what feelings and thoughts may lie beneath the pure 
 waters of that sea of maidenhood whose surface is so 
 
286 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 still and calm? Love alone can tell: Love, the bold 
 diver, who can cleave that still surface, and bring up 
 into the light of heaven the rich treasures that are of 
 Heaven s own creation. 
 
 With the four gentlemen come two ladies young 
 ladies, moreover, who, as penny-a-liners say, are " pos 
 sessed of considerable personal attractions." These are 
 the Misses Honeywood, the blooming daughters of the 
 rector s only sister ; and they have come from the far 
 land of the North, and are looking as fresh and sweet 
 as their own heathery hills. The roses of health that 
 bloom upon their cheeks have been brought into full 
 blow by the keen, sharp breeze ; the shepherd s-plaid 
 shawls drawn tightly around them give the outline of 
 figures that gently swell into the luxuriant line of beauty 
 and grace. Altogether, they are damsels who are 
 pleasant to the eye, and very fair to look upon. 
 
 Since they had last visited their uncle four years had 
 passed, and, in that time, they had shot up to woman 
 hood, although they were not yet out of their teens. 
 Their father was a landed proprietor living in north 
 Northumberland ; and, like other landed proprietors 
 who live under the shade of the Cheviots, was rich 
 in his flocks, and his herds, and his men-servants and 
 his maid-servants, and his he-asses and his she-asses, 
 and was quite a modern patriarch. During the past 
 summer, the rector had taken a trip to Northumber 
 land, in order to see his sister, and refresh himself 
 with a clergyman s fortnight at Honeywood Hall, and 
 he would not leave his sister and her husband until he 
 had extracted from them a promise that they would 
 bring down their two eldest daughters and Christmas in 
 Warwickshire. This was accordingly agreed to, and, 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 387 
 
 more than that, acted upon; and little Mr. Bouncer 
 and his sister Fanny were asked to meet them; but, to 
 relieve the rector of a superfluity of lady guests, Miss 
 Bouncer s quarters had been removed to the Manor 
 Green. 
 
 It was quite an event in the history of our hero and 
 his sisters. Four years ago, they, and Kitty and Patty 
 Honeywood, were mere chits, for whom dolls had not 
 altogether lost their interest, and who considered it as 
 promotion when they sat in the drawing-room on com 
 pany evenings, instead of being shown up at dessert. 
 Four years at this period of life makes a vast change in 
 young ladies, and the Green and Honeywood girls had 
 so altered since last they met, that they had almost 
 needed a fresh introduction to each other. But a day s 
 intimacy made them bosom friends ; and the Manor 
 Green soon saw such revels as it had not seen for many 
 a long year. 
 
 Every night there were (in the language of the play 
 bills of provincial theatres) " singing and dancing, with 
 a variety of other entertainments; " the 4< other enter 
 tainments" occasionally consisting (as is scandalously 
 affirmed) of a very favourite class of entertainment 
 popular at all times, but running mad riot at the Christ 
 mas season wherein two performers of either sex take 
 their places beneath a white-berried bough, and go 
 through a species of dance, or pas de fascination, accom 
 panied by mysterious rites and solemnities that have 
 been scrupulously observed, and handed down to us, 
 from the earliest age. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green, during the short alas ! too short 
 Christmas week, had performed more polkas than he 
 had ever danced in his life; and, undo* the charming 
 19 
 
288 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 tuition of Miss Patty Honeyvvood, was fast becoming a 
 proficient in the valse a deux temps. As yet, the whirl 
 of the dance brought on a corresponding rotatory 
 motion of the brain, that made every thing swim before 
 his spectacles in a way which will be easily understood 
 by all bad travellers who have crossed from Dover to 
 Calais with a chopping sea and a gale of wind. But 
 Miss Patty Honeywood was both good-natured and 
 
 persevering: and she 
 allowed our hero to 
 dance on her feet 
 without a murmur, 
 and watchfully guided 
 him when his giddy 
 vision would have led 
 them into contact with 
 foreign bodies. 
 
 It is an old saying, 
 that Gratitude begets 
 Love. Mr. Verdant 
 Green had already 
 reached the first part 
 of this dangerous 
 creation, for he felt 
 grateful to the pretty 
 Patty for the good- 
 humoured trouble she 
 bestowed on the awk 
 wardness, which he 
 now, for the first time, 
 began painfully to perceive. But, what his gratitude 
 might end in, he had perhaps never taken the trouble to 
 inquire. It was enough to Mr. Verdant Green that he 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 289 
 
 enjoyed the present; and, as to the future, he fully 
 followed out the Horatian precept 
 
 Quid sit futurum eras, fuge quaerere ; 
 
 nee dulces amores 
 Sperne, puer, neque tu choreas. 
 
 It was perhaps ungrateful in our hero to prefer Miss 
 Patty Honeywood to Miss Fanny Bouncer, especially 
 when the latter was staying in the house, and had been 
 so warmly recommended to his notice by her vivacious 
 brother. Especially, too, as there was nothing to be 
 
 * r 
 
 objected to in Miss Bouncer, saving the fact that some 
 might have affirmed she was a trifle too much inclined 
 to embonpoint, and was indeed a bouncer in person as 
 well as in name. Especially, too, as Miss Fanny 
 Bouncer was both good-humoured and clever, and, 
 besides being mistress of the usual young-lady accom 
 plishments, was a clever proficient in the fascinating art 
 
2QO THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 of photography, and had brought her camera and 
 chemicals, and had not only calotyped Mr. Verdant 
 Green, but had made no end of duplicates of him, in a 
 manner that was suggestive of the deepest admiration 
 and affection. But these sort of likings are not made to 
 rule, and Mr. Verdant Green could see Miss Fanny 
 Bouncer approach without betraying any of those symp 
 toms of excitement, under the influence of which we had 
 the privilege to see him, as he gazed from the window 
 of his paternal mansion, and then, on beholding the 
 approaching form of Miss Patty Honeywood, rush wildly 
 to the vestibule. 
 
 The party had no occasion to ring, for the hall door 
 was already opened for them, and Mr. Verdant Green 
 was soon exchanging a delightful pressure of the hand 
 with the blooming Patty. 
 
 " We were such a formidable party," said that young 
 lady, as she laughed merrily, and thereby disclosed to 
 the enraptured gazer a remarkably even set of white 
 teeth (" All her own, too ! " as little Mr. Bouncer after 
 wards remarked to the enraptured gazer); "we were 
 such a formidable party," said Miss Patty, " that papa 
 and mamma declared they would stay behind at the 
 Rectory, and would not join in such a visitation." 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green replies, " Oh dear! I am very 
 sorry," and looks remarkably delighted though it 
 certainly may not be at the absence of the respected 
 couple ; and he then proclaims that every thing is ready, 
 and that Miss Bouncer and his sisters had found out 
 some capital words. 
 
 "What a mysterious communication, Verdant!" 
 remarks the rector, as they pass into the house. But 
 the rector is only to be let so far into the secret as to be 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 2QI 
 
 informed that, at the evening party which is to be held 
 at the Manor Green that night, a charade or two will be 
 acted, in order to diversify the amusements. The Misses 
 Honeywood are great adepts in this sort of pastime ; so, 
 also, are Miss Bouncer and her brother. For afthough 
 the latter does not shine as a mimic, yet, as he is never 
 deserted by his accustomed coolness, he has plenty of 
 the nonchalance and readiness which is a requisite for 
 charade acting. The Miss Honeywoods and Mr. 
 Bouncer have therefore suggested to Mr. Verdant Green 
 and his sisters, that to get up a little amateur perform 
 ance would be " great fun;" and the suggestion has 
 met with a warm approval. 
 
 The drawing-room at the Manor Green opened by 
 large folding-doors to the library; so (as Mr. Bouncer 
 observed to our hero), " there you Ve got your stage 
 and your drop-scene as right as a trivet; and, if you 
 stick a lot of candles and lights on each side of the 
 doors in the library, there you 11 have a regular flare-up 
 that ll show off your venerable gig-lamps no end." 
 
 So charades were determined on ; and, when words 
 had been hunted up, a council of war was called. But, 
 as the ladies and gentlemen hold their council with 
 closed doors, we cannot intrude upon them. We must 
 therefore wait till the evening, when the result of their 
 deliberations will be publicly manifested. 
 
2Q2 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN MAKES HIS FIRST APPEARANCE ON 
 ANY BOARDS. 
 
 IT is the last night of 
 December. The old 
 year, worn out and 
 spent with age, lies a 
 dying, wrapped in 
 sheets of snow. 
 
 A stern stillness 
 reigns around. The 
 steps of men are muf 
 fled ; no echoing 
 footfalls disturb the 
 solemn nature of the 
 time. The little run 
 nels weep icy tears. 
 The dark pines hang 
 out their funereal 
 plumes, and nod with 
 
 their weight of snow. The elms have thrown off their 
 green robes of joy, and, standing up in gaunt nakedness, 
 wildly toss to heaven their imploring arms. The old 
 year lies a dying. 
 
 Silently through the snow steal certain carriages to 
 the portals of the Manor Green, and, with a ringing of 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 293 
 
 bells and a banging of steps, the occupants disappear in 
 a stream of light that issues from the hall door. Mr. 
 Green s small sanctum to the right of the hall has been 
 converted into a cloak-room, and is fitted up with a 
 ladies -maid and a looking-glass, in a manner not to be 
 remembered by the oldest inhabitant. 
 
 There the finishing stroke of ravishment is given to 
 the toilette disarranged by a long drive through the 
 impeding snow. There Miss Parkington (whose papa 
 has lately revived his old school friendship with Mr. 
 Green) discovers, to her unspeakable disgust, that the 
 ten mile drive through the cold has invested her cheek 
 with purple tints, and given to her retrousst (ill-natured 
 people call it " pug ") nose a hue that mocks 
 
 The turkey s crested fringe. 
 
 There, too, Miss Waters (whose paternities had hitherto 
 only been on morning call terms with the Manor Green 
 people, but had brushed up their acquaintance now that 
 there was a son of marriageable years and heir to an 
 independent fortune), discovers to her dismay that the 
 joltings received during a six-mile drive through 
 snowed-up lanes, have somewhat deteriorated the very 
 full-dress aspect of her attire, and considerably flat 
 tened its former balloon-like dimensions. And there, 
 too, Miss Brindle (whose family have been hunted up 
 for the occasion) makes the alarming discovery that, in 
 the lurch which their hack- fly had made at the cross 
 roads, her brother Alfred s patent boots had not only 
 dragged off some yards (more or less) of her flounces, 
 but had also to use her own mystical language 
 " torn her skirt at the gathers ! " 
 
 All, however, is put right as far as possible. A warm 
 
294 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 at the sanctum s fire diminishes the purple in Miss Park- 
 ington s cheeks; and the maid, by some hocus-pocus 
 peculiar to her craft, again inflates Miss Waters into a 
 balloon, and stitches up Miss Brindle s flounces and 
 " gathers." The ladies join their respective gentlemen, 
 who have been cooling their toes and uttering warm 
 
 anathemas in the hall; and the party sail, arm-in-arm, 
 into the drawing-room, and forthwith fall to lively 
 remarks on that neutral ground of conversation, the 
 weather. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green is there, dressed with elaborate 
 magnificence ; but he continues in a state of listless 
 apathy, and is indifferent to the " lively " rattle of the 
 balloon-like Miss Waters, until John the footman (who 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 295 
 
 is suffering from influenza) rouses him into animation 
 by the magic talisman " Bister, Bissis, an the Biss 
 Oneywoods ; " when he beams through his spectacles 
 in the most benign and satisfied manner. The Misses 
 
 ^ 
 
 Honeywood arc as blooming as usual : the cold air, 
 instead of spoiling their good looks, has but improved 
 their healthy style of beauty ; and they smile, laugh, and 
 talk in a perfectly easy, unaffected, and natural manner. 
 Mr. Verdant Green at once makes his way to Miss Patty 
 Honeywood s side, and, gracefully standing beside her, 
 
296 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 coffee-cup in hand, plunges headlong into the depths of 
 a tangled conversation. 
 
 Meanwhile, the drawing-room of the Manor Green 
 becomes filled in a way that has not been seen for many 
 a long year ; and the intelligent Mr. Mole, the gardener 
 (who has been impressed as an odd man for the occa 
 sion, and is served up in a pseudo-livery to make him 
 more presentable), sees more " genteel " people than 
 have, for a long time, been visible to his naked eye. 
 The intelligent Mr. Mole, when he has afterwards been 
 restored to the bosom of Mrs. Mole and his family, con 
 fides to his equally intelligent helpmate that, in his 
 opinion, " Master has guv the party to get husbands for 
 the young ladies" an opinion which, though perhaps 
 not founded on fact so far as it related to the party 
 which was the subject of Mr. Mole s remark, would 
 doubtless be applicable to many similar parties given 
 under somewhat similar circumstances. 
 
 It is not improbable that the intelligent Mr. Mole may 
 have based his opinion on a circumstance which, to a 
 gentleman of his sagacity, must have carried great 
 weight namely, that whenever in the course of the 
 evening the hall was made the promenade for the 
 loungers and dancers, he perceived, firstly, that Miss 
 Green was invariably accompanied by Mr. Charles 
 Larkyns ; secondly, that the Rev. Josiah Meek kept 
 Miss Helen dallying about the wine and lemonade tray 
 much longer than was necessary for the mere consump 
 tion of the cooling liquids; and thirdly, that Miss Fanny, 
 who was a pert, talkative Miss of sixteen, was continu 
 ally to be found there with either Mr. Henry Bouncer 
 or Mr. Alfred Brindle dancing attendance upon her. 
 But, be this as it may, the intelligent Mr. Mole was 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 297 
 
 impressed with the conviction that Mr. Green had called 
 his young friends together as to a matrimonial anction, 
 and that his daughters were to be put up without 
 reserve, and knocked down to the highest bidder. 
 
 All the party have arrived. The weather has been 
 talked over for the last time (for the present) ; a harp, 
 violin, and a cornet-a-piston from the county town, 
 influenced by the spirit of gin-and-water, are heard 
 discoursing most eloquent music in the dining-room, 
 which has been cleared out for the dance. Miss Patty 
 Honeywood, accepting the offer of Mr. Verdant Green s 
 arm, swims joyously out of the room ; other ladies and 
 gentlemen pair, and follow : the ball is opened. 
 3 A polka follows the quadrille; and, while the dan 
 cers rest awhile from their exertions, or crowd around 
 the piano in the drawing-room to hear the balloon-like 
 Miss Waters play a firework piece of music, in which 
 execution takes the place of melody, and chromatic 
 scales are discharged from her fingers like showers of 
 rockets, Mr. Verdant Green mysteriously weeds out 
 certain members of the party, and vanishes with them 
 up-stairs. 
 
 When Miss Waters has discharged all her fireworks, 
 and has descended from the throne of her music-stool, 
 a set of Lancers is formed; and, while the usual mis 
 takes are being made in the figures, the dancers find a 
 fruitful subject of conversation in surmises that a 
 charade is going to be acted. The surmise proves to 
 be correct ; for when the set has been brought to an 
 end with that peculiar in-and-out tum-tum-tiddle-iddle- 
 tum-tum-tum movement which characterises the last 
 figure of " Les Landers," the trippers on the light 
 fantastic toe are requested to assemble in the drawing- 
 
298 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 room, where the chairs and couches have been pulled 
 up to face the folding doors that lead into the library. 
 Mr. Verdant Green appears; and, after announcing 
 that the word to be acted will be one of three syl 
 lables, and that each syllable will be represented by 
 
 itself, and that then the complete word will be given, 
 throws open the folding doors for 
 
 SCENE I. Syllable I. Enter the Miss Honey woods, 
 dressed in fashionable bonnets and shawls. They are 
 shown in by a footman (Mr. Bouncer) attired in a 
 peculiarly ingenious and effective livery, made by 
 pulling up the trousers to the knee, and wearing the 
 dress-coat inside out, so as to display the crimson silk 
 linings of the sleeves: the effect of Mr. Bouncer s 
 appearance is considerably heightened by a judicious 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 299 
 
 outlay of flour sprinkled over his hair. Mr. Bouncer 
 (as footman) gives the ladies chairs, and inquires, 
 "What name shall I be pleased to say, mem? " Miss 
 Patty answers in a languid and fashionable voice, 
 "The Ladies Louisa and Arabella Mountfidget." Mr. 
 Bouncer evaporates with a low bow, leaving the ladies 
 to play with their parasols, and converse. Lady Ara 
 bella (Miss Patty) then expresses a devout wish that 
 Lady Trotter (wife of Sir Lambkin Trotter, Bart.), in 
 whose house they are supposed to be, will not keep 
 them waiting as long as she detained her aunt, Lady 
 Bellwether, when the poor old lady fell asleep from 
 sheer fatigue, and was found snoring on the sofa. 
 Lady Louisa then falls to an inspection of the card- 
 tray, and reads the paste-boards of some high-sounding 
 titles not to be found in Debrett, and expresses wonder 
 as to where Lady Trotter can have picked up the 
 Duchess of Ditchwater s card, as she (Lady Louisa) is 
 morally convinced that her Grace can never have con 
 descended to have even sent in her card by a footman. 
 Becoming impatient at the non-appearance of Lady 
 Trotter, Miss Patty Honeywood then rings the bell, 
 and, with much asperity of manner, inquires of Mr. 
 Bouncer (as footman) if Lady Trotter is informed that 
 the Ladies Louisa and Arabella Mountfidget are wait 
 ing to see her? Mr. Bouncer replies, with a footman s 
 bow, and a footman s //exasperation of his h s, "Me 
 lady is haweer hof your ladyships visit; but me lady 
 is at present hunable to happear: me lady, owever, 
 has give me a message, which she hasks me to deliver 
 to your ladyships." "Then why don t you deliver it 
 at once," says Miss Patty, "and not waste the valuable 
 time of the Ladies Louisa and Arabella Mountfidget? 
 
300 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 What is the message?" "Me lady," replies Mr. 
 Bouncer, "requests me to present her compliments to 
 your ladyships, and begs me to h inform you that me 
 lady is a cleaning of herself!" Amid great laughter 
 from the audience, the Ladies Mountfidget toss their 
 heads and flutter grandly out of the room, followed by 
 the floured footman; while Mr. Verdant Green, unseen 
 by those in front, pushes-to the folding-doors, to show 
 that the first syllable is performed. 
 
 Praises of the acting, and guesses at the word, 
 agreeably fill up the time till the next scene. The 
 Revd. Josiah Meek, who is not much used to charades, 
 confides to Miss Helen Green that he surmises the 
 word to be, either "visitor" or "impudence;" but, as 
 the only ground to this surmise rests on these two 
 words being words of three syllables, Miss Helen 
 gently repels the idea, and sagely observes, "we shall 
 see more in the next scene." 
 
 SCENE II. Syllable 2. The folding-doors open, 
 and discover Mr. Verdant Green, as a sick gentleman, 
 lying on a sofa, in a dressing-gown, with pillows under 
 his head, and Miss Patty Honeywood in attendance 
 upon him. A table, covered with glasses and medi 
 cine bottles, is drawn up to the sufferer s couch in an 
 inviting manner. Miss Patty informs the sufferer 
 that the time is come for him to take his draught. 
 The sufferer groans in a dismal manner, and says, 
 "Oh! is it, my dear?" She replies, "Yes! you must 
 take it now;" and sternly pours some sherry wine out 
 of the medicine bottle into a cup. The sufferer makes 
 piteous faces, and exclaims, "It is so nasty, I can t 
 take it, my love ! " (It is to be observed that Mr. 
 Verdant Green, skilfully taking advantage of the cir- 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 3OI 
 
 cumstance that Miss Patty Honey wood is supposed to 
 represent the wife of the sufferer, plentifully besprin 
 kles his conversation with endearing epithets.) When, 
 after much persuasion and groaning, the sufferer has 
 been induced to take his medicine, his spouse an 
 nounces the arrival of the doctor; when, enter Mr. 
 Bouncer, still floured as to his head, but wearing spec 
 tacles, a long black coat, and a shirt-frill, and having 
 his dress otherwise altered so as to represent a medical 
 man of the old school. The doctor asks what sort of 
 a night his patient has had, inspects his tongue with 
 professional gravity, feels his pulse, looks at his watch, 
 and mysteriously shakes his head. He then com 
 mences thrusting and poking Mr. Verdant Green in 
 various parts of his body, after the manner of doc 
 tors with their victims, and farmers with their beasts, 
 enquiring between each poke, "Does that hurt 
 you ? " and being answered by a convulsive " Oh ! " 
 and a groan of agony. The doctor then prescribes a 
 draught to be taken every half-hour, with the pills and 
 blister at bed-time; and, after covering his two fellow- 
 actors with confusion, by observing that he leaves his 
 patient in admirable hands, and, that in an affection 
 of the heart, the application of lip-salve and warm 
 treatment will give a decided tone to the system, and 
 produce soothing and grateful emotions takes his 
 leave; and the folding-doors are closed on the blushes 
 of Miss Patty Honeywood, and Mr. Verdant Green. 
 
 More applause : more agreeable conversation : more 
 ingenious speculations. The Revd. Josiah Meek is 
 now of opinion that the word is either "medicine" or 
 "suffering." Miss Helen still sagely observes, "we 
 shall see more in the next scene." 
 
3<D2 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 SCENE III. Syllable 3. Mr. Verdant Green discov 
 ered sitting at a table furnished with pens and ink. 
 books, and rolls of paper. Mr. Verdant Green wears 
 on his head a Chelsea pensioner s cocked-hat (the 
 property" of the Family, as Mr. Footelights would 
 
 have said) folded into a shovel shape; and is supposed 
 to accurately represent the outside of a London pub 
 lisher. To him enter Mr. Bouncer the flour off his 
 head coat buttoned tightly to the throat, no visible 
 linen, and wearing in his face and appearance gener 
 ally, "the garb of humility." Says the publisher, 
 "Now, sir, please to state your business, and be quick 
 about it: I am much engaged in looking over for the 
 press a work of a distinguished author, which I am 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 303 
 
 just about to publish. " Meekly replies the other, as he 
 holds under his arm an immense paper packet : " It is 
 about a work of my own, sir, that I have now ventured 
 to intrude upon you. I have here, sir, a small manu 
 script," (producing his roll of a book), "which I am 
 ambitious to see given to the world through the 
 medium of your printing establishment." To him, 
 the Publisher "Already am I inundated with manu 
 scripts on all possible subjects, and cannot undertake 
 to look at any more for some time to come. What is 
 the nature of your manuscript?" Meekly replies the 
 other u The theme of my work, sir, is a History of 
 England before the Flood. The subject is both new 
 and interesting. It is to be presumed that our beloved 
 country existed before the Flood : if so, it must have 
 had a history. I have therefore endeavoured to fill up 
 what is lacking in the annals of our land, by a record 
 of its antediluvian state, adapted to the meanest com 
 prehension, and founded on the most baseless facts. 
 I am desirous, sir, to see myself in print. I should 
 like my work, sir, to appear in large letters; in very 
 large letters, sir. Indeed, sir, it would give me joy, 
 if you would condescend to print it altogether in 
 capital letters: my magnum opus might then be called 
 with truth, a capital work." To him, the Publisher 
 -"Much certainly depends on the character of the 
 printing." Meekly the author "Indeed, sir, it does. 
 A great book, sir, should be printed in great letters. 
 If you will permit me, I will show you the size of the 
 letters in which I should wish my book to be printed." 
 Mr. Bouncer then points out in some books on the 
 table, the printing he most admires; and, beseeching 
 the Publisher to read over his manuscript, and think 
 
 20 
 
304 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 favourably of his History of England before the Flood, 
 makes his bow to Mr. Verdant Green and the Chelsea 
 pensioner s cocked hat. 
 
 More applause, and speculations. The Revd. 
 Josiah Meek confident that he has discovered the 
 word. It must be either " publisher " or " authorship. " 
 Miss Helen still sage. 
 
 SCENE IV. The Word. Miss Bouncer discovered 
 with her camera, arranging her photographic chemi 
 cals. She soliloquises. "There! now, all is ready 
 for my sitter." She calls the footman (Mr. Verdant 
 Green), and says, "John, you may show the Lady 
 Fitz-Canute upstairs." The footman shows in Miss 
 Honeywood, dressed in an antiquated bonnet and 
 mantle, waving a huge fan. John gives her a chair, 
 into which she drops, exclaiming, "What an insuffer 
 able toil it is to ascend to these elevated Photographic 
 rooms;" and makes good use of her fan. Miss Boun 
 cer then fixes the focus of her camera, and begs the 
 Lady Fitz-Canute to sit perfectly still, and to call up 
 an agreeable smile to her face. Miss Honeywood 
 thereupon disposes her face in ludicrous "wreathed 
 smiles;" and Miss Bouncer s head disappears under 
 the velvet hood of the camera. "I am afraid," at 
 length says Miss Bouncer, "I am afraid that I shall 
 not be able to succeed in taking a likeness of your 
 ladyship this morning." "And why, pray?" asks her 
 ladyship with haughty surprise. "Because it is a 
 gloomy day," replies the Photographer, "and much 
 depends upon the rays of light." "Then procure the 
 rays of light!" "That is more than I can do." 
 " Indeed ! I suppose if the Lady Fitz-Canute wishes 
 for the rays of light, and condescends to pay for the 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 305 
 
 rays of light, she can obtain the rays of light." Miss 
 Bouncer considers this too exigeant, and puts her 
 sitter off by promising to complete a most fascinating 
 portrait of her on some more favourable day. Lady 
 Fitz-Canute appears to be somewhat mollified at this, 
 and is graciously pleased to observe, "Then I will 
 undergo the fatigue of ascending to these elevated 
 Photographic rooms at some future period. But, mind, 
 when I next come, that you procure the rays of light ! " 
 So she is shown out by Mr. Verdant Green, and the 
 folding-doors are closed amid applause, and the audi 
 ence distract themselves with guesses as to the word. 
 
 "Photograph" is a general favorite, but is found not 
 to agree with the three first scenes, although much 
 ingenuity is expended in endeavouring to make them 
 fit the word. The Curate makes a headlong rush at 
 the word "Daguerreotype," and is confident that he 
 has solved the problem, until he is informed that it is 
 a word of more than three syllables. Charles Larky ns 
 has already whispered the word to Mary Green; but 
 they keep their discovery to themselves. At length, 
 the Revd. Josiah Meek, in a moment of inspiration, 
 hits upon the word, and proclaims it to be CALOTYPE 
 ( " Call oh ! type ; " ) upon which Mr. Alfred Brin- 
 dle declares to Miss Fanny Green that he had fancied 
 it must be that, all along, and, in fact, was just on 
 the point of saying it : and the actors, coming in in a 
 body, receive the violet-crowns and laurel-wreaths of 
 praise as the meed of their exertions. Perhaps, the 
 Miss Honeywoods and Mr. Bouncer receive larger 
 crowns than the others, but Mr. Verdant Green gets 
 his due share, and is fully satisfied with his first 
 appearance on "the boards." 
 
306 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 Dancing then succeeds, varied by songs from the 
 young ladies, and discharges of chromatic fireworks 
 from the fingers of Miss Waters, for whom Charles 
 Larkyns does the polite, in turning over the leaves of 
 
 her music. Then some carol-singers come to the 
 Hall-door, and the bells of the church proclaim, in joy 
 ful peals, the birth of the New Year; a new year of 
 hopes, and joys, and cares, and griefs, and unions, and 
 partings; a new year of which, who then present 
 shall see the end? who shall be there to welcome in 
 its successor? who shall be absent, laid in the secret 
 places of the earth ? Ah, Who? For, even in the midst 
 of revelry and youth, the joy-peals of those old church 
 bells can strike the key-note of a wail of grief. 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 307 
 
 Another charade follows, in which new actors join. 
 Then comes a merry supper, in which Mr. Alfred 
 Brindle, in order to give himself courage to appear in 
 the next charade, takes more champagne than is good 
 for him; in which, too (probably, from similar cham- 
 pagney reasons), Miss Parkington s unfortunately 
 .self-willed nose again assumes a more roseate hue 
 than is becoming to a maiden; in which, too, Mr. 
 Verdant Green being called upon to return thanks for 
 " the ladies " (toast, proposed in eloquent terms by 
 H. Bouncer, Esq., and drunk "with the usual hon 
 ours,") i s so alarmed at finding himself upon his 
 legs, that his ideas altogether vanish, and in great 
 confusion of utterance, he observes, - " I I ladies 
 and gentlemen feel I I a feel assure you 
 grattered and flattified -- I mean, flattered and 
 gratified being called on return thanks I I - 
 a the ladies give a larm to chife I mean, charm 
 to life (applause] and a a grace by their table 
 this presence, I mean a a (applause], and 
 joytened our eye I mean, heighted our joy to-night 
 
 - (applause], in their name thanks honour. " 
 Mr. Verdant Green takes advantage of the applause 
 which follows these incoherent remarks, and sits 
 down, covered with confusion, but thankful that the 
 struggle is over. 
 
 More dancing follows. Our hero performs prodigies 
 in the valse a deux temps, and twirls about until he 
 has not a leg left to stand upon. The harp, the violin, 
 and the cornet-a-piston, from the county-town, play 
 mechanically in their sleep, and can only be roused by 
 repeated applications of gin-and-water. Carriages are 
 ordered round : wraps are in requisition : the mysteri- 
 
308 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 ous rites under the white-berried bush are stealthily 
 repeated for the last time: the guests depart, as it 
 were, in a heap ; the Rectory party being the last to 
 leave. The intelligent Mr. Mole, who has fuddled 
 himself by an injudicious mixture of the half -glasses 
 of wine left on the supper-table, is exasperated with 
 the butler for not allowing him to assist in putting 
 away the silver; and declares that he (the butler) is 
 "a hold himage," for which, he (the intelligent Mr. 
 M.), " don t care a button!" and, as the epithet 
 " image " appears to wondrously offend the butler, Mr. 
 Mole is removed from further consequences by his 
 intelligent wife, who is waiting to conduct her lord 
 and master home. 
 
 At length, the last light is out in the Manor-Green. 
 Mr. Verdant Green is lying uncomfortably upon his 
 back, and is waltzing through Dreamland with the 
 blooming Patty Honeywood. 
 
/Sl o XrVflil 
 
 ttdffl 
 
 IV *^^S 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN ENJOYS A REAL CIGAR. 
 
 THE Christmas vacation passed rapidly away; the 
 Honeywood family returned to the far north; 
 and, once more, Mr. Verdant Green found himself 
 within the walls of Brazenface. He and Mr. Bouncer 
 had together gone up to Oxford, leaving Charles Lar- 
 kyns behind to keep a grace-term. 
 
 Charles Larkyns had determined to take a good 
 degree. For some time past, he had been reading 
 steadily; and, though only a few hours in each day 
 may be given to books yet, when that is done with 
 regularity and painstaking, a real and sensible progress 
 is made. He knew that he had good abilities, and he 
 
310 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 had determined not to let them remain idle any longer, 
 but to make that use of them for which they were given 
 to him. His examination would come on during the 
 next term ; and he hoped to turn the interval to good 
 account, and be able in the end to take a respectable de 
 gree. He was destined for the Bar; and, as he had no 
 wish to be a briefless Barrister, he knew that college 
 honours would be of great advantage to him in his after 
 career. He at once, therefore, set bodily to work to 
 read up his subjects; while his father assisted him in 
 his labours, and Mary Green smiled a kind approval. 
 
 Meanwhile his friends, Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. 
 Henry Bouncer, were enjoying Oxford life, and dis 
 porting themselves among the crowd of skaters in the 
 Christ Church meadows. And a very different scene 
 did the meadows present to the time when they had 
 last skimmed over its surface. Then, the green fields 
 were covered with sailing-boats, out-riggers, and punts, 
 and Mr. Verdant Green had nearly come to an untimely 
 end in the waters. But now the scene was changed ! 
 Jack Frost had stepped in, and had seized the flood in 
 his frozen fingers, and had bound it up in an icy 
 breast-plate. 
 
 And a capital place did the meadows make for any 
 Undergraduate who was either a professed skater, or 
 whose skating education (as in the case of our hero) 
 had been altogether neglected. For the water was 
 only of a moderate depth; so that, in the event of the 
 ice giving way, there was nothing to fear beyond a 
 slight and partial ducking. This was especially for 
 tunate for Mr. Verdant Green, who, after having 
 experienced total submersion and a narrow escape 
 from drowning on that very spot, would never have 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 311 
 
 been induced to again commit himself to the surface 
 of the deep, had he not been fully convinced that the 
 deep had now subsided into a shallow. With his 
 breast fortified by this resolution, he therefore fell a 
 victim to the syren tongue of Mr. Bouncer, when that 
 gentleman observed to him with sincere feeling, 
 "Gig-lamps, old fellow! it would be a beastly shame, 
 when there s such jolly ice, if you did not learn to 
 skate; especially, as I can show you the trick." 
 
 For Mr. Bouncer was not only skilful with his 
 hands and arms, but could also perform feats with his 
 feet. He could not only dance quadrilles in dress 
 boots in a ball-room, but he could also go through the 
 figures on the ice in a pair of skates. He could do 
 the outside edge at a more acute angle than the gener 
 ality of people; he could cut figures of eight that were 
 worthy of Cocker himself, he could display spread- 
 eagles that would have astonished the Fellows of the 
 Zoological Society. He could skim over the thinnest 
 ice in the most don t-care way ; and, when at full speed, 
 would stoop to pick up a stone. He would take a hop- 
 skip-and-a-jump; and would vault over walking-sticks 
 as easily as if he were on dry land, an accomplishment 
 which he had learnt of the Count Doembrownski, a 
 Russian gentleman, who, in his own country, lived 
 chiefly on skates, and, in this country, on pigeons, and 
 whose short residence in Oxford was suddenly brought 
 to a full stop by the arbitrary power of the Vice- 
 Chancellor. So, Mr. Verdant Green was persuaded to 
 purchase, and put on a pair of skates, and to make his 
 first appearance as a skater in the Christ Church 
 meadows, under the auspices of Mr. Bouncer. 
 
 The sensation of first finding yourself in a pair of 
 
312 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 skates is peculiar. It is not unlike the sensation 
 which must have been felt by the young bear, when he 
 was dropped from his mamma s mouth, and, for the 
 first time, told to walk. The poor little bear felt, 
 that it was all very well to say "walk," but how was 
 he to do it ? Was he to walk with his right fore-leg 
 only? or, with his left fore-leg? or, with both his fore 
 legs? or, was he to walk with his right hind-leg? or, 
 with his left hind-leg? or, with both his hind-legs? or, 
 was he to make a combination of hind and fore-legs, 
 and walk with all four at once? or, what was he to 
 do? So he tried each of these ways; and they all 
 failed. Poor little bear! 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green felt very much in the little 
 bear s condition. He was undecided whether to skate 
 with his right leg, or with his left leg, or with both 
 his legs. He tried his right leg, and immediately it 
 glided off at right angles with his body, while his left 
 leg performed a similar and spontaneous movement in 
 the contrary direction. Having captured his left leg, 
 he put it cautiously forwards, and immediately it 
 twisted under him, while his right leg amused itself 
 by describing an altogether unnecessary circle. Obtain 
 ing a brief mastery over both legs, he put them forwards 
 at the same moment, and they fled from beneath him, 
 and he was flung bump! on his back. Poor little 
 bear ! 
 
 But, if it is hard to make a start in a pair of skates 
 when you are in a perpendicular position, how much is 
 the difficulty increased when your position has become 
 a horizontal one ! You raise yourself on your knees, 
 you assist yourself with your hands, and, no 
 sooner have you got one leg right, than away slides 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 313 
 
 the other, and down you go. It is like the movement 
 in that scene with the pair of short stilts, in which the 
 French clowns are so amusing, and it is almost as 
 difficult to perform. Mr. Verdant Green soon found 
 that though he might be ambitious to excel in the 
 polite accomplishment of skating, yet that his ambi 
 tion was destined to meet with many a fall. But he 
 persevered, and perseverance will achieve wonders, 
 especially when aided by the tuition of such an inde 
 fatigable gentleman as Mr. Bouncer. 
 
 "You get on stunningly, Gig-lamps," said the little 
 gentleman, "and havn t been on your beam ends more 
 than once a minute. But I should advise you, old 
 fellow, to get your sit-upons seated with wash-leather, 
 just like the eleventh hussars do with their cherry- 
 coloured pants. It ll come cheaper in the end, and 
 may be productive of comfort. And now, after all 
 these exciting ups and downs, let us go and have a 
 quiet hand at billiards." So the two friends strolled 
 up the High, where they saw two Queensmen "con 
 fessing their shame," as Mr. Bouncer phrased it, by 
 standing under the gateway of their college; and went 
 on to Bickerton s, where they found all the tables 
 occupied, and Jonathan playing a match with Mr. 
 Fluke of Christchurch. So, after watching the cele 
 brated marker long enough to inspire them with a 
 desire to accomplish similar feats of dexterity, they 
 continued their walk to Broad Street, and, turning up 
 a yard opposite to the Clarendon, found that Betteris 
 had an upstair room at liberty. Here they accom 
 plished several pleasing mathematical problems with 
 the balls, and contributed their modicum towards the 
 smoking of the ceiling of the room. 
 
314 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 Since Mr. Verdant Green had acquired the art of 
 getting through a cigar without making himself ill, he 
 had looked upon himself as a genuine smoker; and 
 had, from time to time, bragged of his powers as 
 regarded the fumigation of "the herb Nicotiana, com 
 monly called tobacco," (as the Oxford statute tersely 
 says). This was an amiable weakness on his part that 
 
 had not escaped the observant eye of Mr. Bouncer, 
 who had frequently taken occasion, in the presence of 
 his friends, to defer to Mr. Verdant Green s judgment 
 in the matter of cigars. The train of adulation being 
 thus laid, an opportunity was only needed to fire it. 
 It soon came. 
 
 "Once upon a time," as the story-books say, it 
 chanced that Mr. Bouncer was consuming his minutes 
 and cigars at his tobacconist s, when his eye lighted 
 for the thousandth time on the roll of cabbage-leaves, 
 brown paper, and refuse tobacco, which being done up 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 315 
 
 into the form of a monster cigar (a foot long, and of 
 proportionate thickness), was hung in the shop-window, 
 and did duty as a truthful token of the commodity 
 vended within. Mr. Bouncer had looked at this imple 
 ment nine hundred and ninety nine times, without its 
 suggesting any thing else to his mind, than its being 
 
 of the same class of art as the monster mis-representa 
 tions outside wild-beast shows; but he now gazed 
 upon it with new sensations. In short, Mr. Bouncer 
 took such a fancy to the thing, that he purchased it, 
 and took it off to his rooms, though he did not men 
 tion this fact to his friend, Mr. Verdant Green, when 
 he saw him soon afterwards, and spoke to him of his 
 excellent judgment in tobacco. 
 
 " A taste for smoke comes natural, Gig-lamps ! " said 
 Mr. Bouncer. "It s what you call a nascitur non fit ; 
 and, if you haven t the gift, why you can t purchase 
 
316 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 it. Now, you re a judge of smoke; it s a gift with 
 you, don t you see; and you could no more help know 
 ing a good weed from a bad one, than you could help 
 waggling your tail if you were a baa-lamb." 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green bowed, and blushed, in acknowl 
 edgment of this delightful flattery. 
 
 " Now, there s old Footelights, you know; he s got 
 an uncle, who s a governor, or some great swell, out 
 in Barbadoes. Well, every now and then the old trump 
 sends Footelights no end of a box of weeds; not com 
 mon ones, you understand, but regular tip-toppers; 
 but they re quite thrown away on poor Footelights, 
 who d think as much of cabbage-leaves as he would of 
 real Havannahs, so he s always obliged to ask some 
 body else s opinion about them. Well, he s got a 
 sample of a weed of a most terrific kind: Mag- 
 nifico Pomposo is the name; no end uncommon, 
 and at least a foot long. We don t meet with em in 
 England because they re too expensive to import. 
 Well, it wouldn t do to throw away such a weed as 
 this on any one; so, Footelights wants to have the 
 opinion of a man who s really a judge of what a good 
 weed is. I refused, because my taste has been rather 
 out of order lately; and Billy Blades is in training for 
 Henley, so he s obliged to decline; so I told him of 
 you, Gig-lamps, and said, that if there was a man in 
 Brazenface that could tell him what his Magnifico 
 Pomposo was worth, that man was Verdant Green. 
 Don t blush, old feller! you can t help having a fine 
 judgment, you know; so don t be ashamed of it. Now, 
 you must wine with me this evening; Footelights and 
 some more men are coming; and we re all anxious to 
 hear your opinion about these new weeds, because, if 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 317 
 
 it s favourable we can club together, and import a 
 box." Mr. Bouncer s victim, being perfectly uncon 
 scious of the trap laid for him, promised to come to 
 the wine, and give his opinion on this weed of fabled 
 size and merit. 
 
 When the evening and company had come, he was 
 rather staggered at beholding the dimensions of the 
 pseudo-cigar; but, rashly judging that to express sur 
 prise would be to betray ignorance, Mr. Verdant Green 
 inspected the formidable monster with the air of a 
 connoisseur, and smelt, pinched, and rolled his tongue 
 round it, after the manner of the best critics. If this 
 was a diverting spectacle to the assembled guests of 
 Mr. Bouncer, how must the humour of the scene have 
 been increased, when our hero, with great difficulty, 
 lighted the cigar, and, with still greater difficulty, 
 held it in his mouth, and endeavoured to smoke it ! 
 As Mr. Foote afterwards observed, " it was a situation 
 for a screaming farce." 
 
 "It doesn t draw well!" faltered the victim, as the 
 bundle of rubbish went out for the fourth time. 
 
 "Why, chat s always the case with the Barbadoes 
 baccy!" said Mr. Bouncer; "it takes a long pull, and 
 a strong pull, and a pull all together to get it to make 
 a start ; but when once it does go, it goes beautiful - 
 like a house a-fire. But you can t expect it to be like 
 a common threepenny weed. Here ! let me light him 
 for you, Gig-lamps; I 11 give the beggar a dig in his 
 ribs, as a gentle persuader." Mr. Bouncer thereupon 
 poked his pen-knife through the rubbish, and after a 
 time induced it to "draw;" and Mr. Verdant Green 
 pulled at it furiously, and made his eyes water with 
 the unusual cloud of smoke that he raised. 
 
3l8 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 "And now, what d ye think of it, my beauty?" 
 inquired Mr. Bouncer. "It s something out of the 
 common, ain t it? " 
 
 "It has a beautiful ash ! " observed Mr. Smalls. 
 
 " And diffuses an aroma that makes me long to defy 
 the trainer, and smoke one like it! " said Mr. Blades. 
 
 "So pray give me your reading at least, your 
 opinion, on my Magnifico Pomposo!" asked Mr. 
 Foote. 
 
 "Well," answered Mr. Verdant Green, slowly 
 
 turning very pale as he spoke, "at first, I thought it 
 was be-yew-tiful ; but, altogether, I think that the 
 
 Barbadoes tobacco doesn t quite agree with my 
 
 sf-om - the speaker abruptly concluded by dropping 
 the cigar, putting his handkerchief to his mouth, and 
 rushing into Mr. Bouncer s bed-room. The Magnifico 
 Pomposo had been too much for him, and had produced 
 sensations accurately interpreted by Mr. Bouncer, who 
 forthwith represented in expressive pantomine, the 
 actions of a distressed voyager, when he feebly mur 
 murs, " Steward ! " 
 
 To atone for the "chaffing" which he had been the 
 means of inflicting on his friend,, the little gentleman, 
 a few days afterwards, proposed to take our hero to the 
 Chipping Norton Steeple-chase, Mr. Smalls and 
 Mr. Fosbrooke making up the quartet for a tandem. 
 It was on their return from the races, that, after hav 
 ing stopped at " The Bear " at Woodstock, " to wash 
 out the horses mouths," and having done this so 
 effectually that the horses had appeared to have no 
 mouths left, and had refused to answer the reins, and 
 had smashed the cart against a house, which had 
 seemed to have danced into the middle of the road for 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 319 
 
 their diversion, and, after having put back to " The 
 Bear," and prevailed upon that animal to lend them a 
 nondescript vehicle of the "pre-adamite buggy" spe 
 cies, described by Sidney Smith, that, much time 
 having been consumed by the progress of this chapter 
 of accidents, they did not reach Peyman s Gate until 
 a late hour; and Mr. Verdant Green found that he was 
 
 once more in difficulties. For they had no sooner got 
 through the gate, than the wild octaves from Mr. 
 Bouncer s post-horn were suddenly brought to a full 
 stop, and Mr. Fosbrooke, who was the "waggoner," 
 was brought to Woh ! and was compelled to pull up 
 in obedience to the command of the proctor, who, as 
 on a previous occasion, suddenly appeared from behind 
 the toll-house, in company with his marshall and bull 
 dogs. 
 
 The Sentence pronounced on our hero the next 
 day, was, "Sir! You will translate all your lec 
 tures; have your name crossed on the buttery and 
 
 21 
 
320 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 kitchen books; and be confined to chapel, hall, and 
 college." 
 
 This sentence was chiefly annoying, inasmuch as 
 it somewhat interfered with the duties and pleasures 
 attendant upon his boating practice. For, wonderful 
 to relate, Mr. Verdant Green had so much improved 
 in the science, that he was now " Number 3 " of his 
 college "Torpid," and was in hard training. The 
 Torpid races commenced on March loth, and were 
 continued on the following days. Our hero sent his 
 father a copy of " Tintinnabulum s Life, " which after 
 informing the Manor Green family that "the boats 
 took up positions in the following order: Brazenose, 
 Exeter I, Wadham, Baliol, St. John s, Pembroke, Uni 
 versity, Oriel, Brazenface, Christ Church i, Worcester, 
 Jesus, Queen s, Christ Church 2, Exeter 2" -pro 
 ceeded to enter into particulars of each day s sport, of 
 which it is only necessary to record such as gave inter 
 est to our hero s family. 
 
 "First day. . . . Brazenface refused to acknowl 
 edge the bump by Christ Church (i) before they came 
 to the Cherwell. There is very little doubt but that 
 they were bumped at the Gut and the Willows. . . . 
 
 " Second day. . . . Brazenface rowed pluckily away 
 from Worcester. . . . 
 
 "Third day. ... A splendid race between Brazen- 
 face and Worcester; and, at the flag, the latter were 
 within a foot; they did not, however, succeed in 
 bumping. The cheering from the Brazenface barge 
 was vociferous. . . . 
 
 " Fourth day. . . . Worcester was more fortunate, 
 and succeeded in making the bump at the Cherwell, in 
 consequence of No. 3 of the Brazenface boat fainting 
 from fatigue." 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 Under "No. 3" Mr. Verdant Green had drawn a 
 pencil line, and had written "V. G." He shortly 
 after related to his family the gloomy particulars of 
 the bump, when he returned home for the Easter 
 vacation. 
 
322 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 CHAPTER XL 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN GETS THROUGH HIS SMALLS. 
 
 DESPITE the hindrance 
 which the grande 
 passion is supposed 
 to bring to the stu 
 dent, Charles Lar- 
 kyns had made very 
 good use of the op 
 portunities afforded 
 him by the leisure 
 of his grace-term. 
 Indeed, as he him 
 self observed, 
 
 " Who hath not owned, with rapture-smitten frame, 
 The power of grace? " 
 
 And as he felt that the hours of his grace-term had not 
 been wasted in idleness, but had been turned to profit 
 able account, it is not at all unlikely that his pleasures 
 of hope regarding his Degree-examination, and the 
 position his name would occupy in the Class-list, 
 were of a roseate hue. He therefore, when the Easter 
 vacation had come to an end, returned to Oxford in 
 high spirits, with our hero and his friend Mr. Bouncer, 
 who, after a brief visit to "the Mum," had passed the 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 323 
 
 remainder of the vacation at the Manor Green. Bur- 
 ing these few holiday weeks, Charles Larkyns had 
 acted as private tutor to his two friends, and had, in 
 the language of Mr. Bouncer, "put them through their 
 paces uncommon;" for the little gentleman was going 
 in for his Degree, alias Great-go, alias Greats; and 
 our hero for his first examination *;/ literis humanion- 
 bus, alias Responsions, alias Little-go, alias Smalls. 
 Thus the friends returned to Oxford mutually benefited 
 but, as the time for examination drew nearer and still 
 nearer, the fears of Mr. Bouncer rose in a gradation of 
 terrors, that threatened to culminate in an actual 
 
 see," said the little gentleman, "the Mum s 
 set her heart on my getting through, and I must read 
 like the doose. And I havn t got the head, you see, 
 for Latin and Greek; and that beastly Euclid alto 
 gether stumps me; and I feel as though I should come 
 to grief I m blowed," the little gentleman would 
 cry, earnestly and sadly, "I m blow d if I don t think 
 they must have given me too much pap when I was a 
 babby, and softened my brains! or else, why can t 
 walk into these classical parties just as easy as you, 
 Charley, or old Gig-lamps there ? But I can t, you see 
 my brains are addled. They say it ain t a bad thing 
 for reading to get your head shaved. It cools your 
 brains, and gives full play to what you call your intel 
 lectual faculties. I think I shall try the dodge, and 
 get a gent s real head of hair, till after the exam. ; and 
 then, when I ve stumped the examiners, I can wear 
 my own luxuriant locks again." 
 
 And, as Mr. Bouncer professed, so did he; and, not 
 many days after, astonished his friends and the 
 
324 TH E ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 varsity generally by appearing in a wig of curly black 
 hair. It was a pleasing sight to see the little gentle 
 man with a scalp like a billiard ball, a pipe in his 
 mouth, and the wig mounted on a block, with books 
 spread before him, endeavouring to persuade himself 
 that he was working up his subjects. It was still more 
 pleasing to view him, in moments of hilarity, divest 
 himself of his wig, and hurl it at the scout, or any 
 other offensive object that appeared before him. And 
 it was a sight not to be forgotten by the beholders, 
 when, after too recklessly partaking of an indiscrimi 
 nate mixture of egg-flip, sangaree, and cider-cup, he 
 feebly threw his wig at the spectacles of Mr. Verdant 
 Green, and, overbalanced by the exertion, fell back 
 into the coal-scuttle, where he lay, bald-headed and 
 helpless, laughing and weeping by turns, and caressed 
 by Huz and Buz. 
 
 But the shaving of his head was not the only feature 
 (or, rather, loss of feature) that distinguished Mr. 
 Bouncer s reading for his degree. The gentleman 
 with the limited knowledge of the cornet-a-piston, 
 who had the rooms immediately beneath those of our 
 hero and his friend, had made such slow progress in 
 his musical education, that he had even now scarcely 
 got into his " Cottage near a Wood." This gentleman 
 was Mr. Bouncer s Frankenstein. He was always 
 rising up when he was not wanted. When Mr. Boun 
 cer felt as if he could read, and sat down to his books, 
 wigless and determined, the doleful legend of the 
 cottage near a wood was forced upon him in an 
 unpleasingly obtrusive and distracting manner. It 
 was in vain that Mr. Bouncer sounded his octaves in 
 all their discordant variations; the gentleman had no 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 325 
 
 ear, and was not to be put out of his cottage on any 
 terms : Mr. Bouncer s notices of ejectment were always 
 disregarded. He had hoped that the ears of Mr. 
 Slowcoach (whose rooms were in the angle of the 
 Quad) would have been pierced by the noise, and that 
 he would have put a stop to the nuisance; but, either 
 from its being too customary a custom, or that the ears 
 of Mr. Slowcoach had grown callous, the nuisance was 
 suffered to continue unreproved. 
 
 Mr. Bouncer resolved, therefore, on some desperate 
 method of calling attention to one nuisance, by crea 
 ting another of a louder description; and, as his 
 octaves appeared to fail in this, notwithstanding the 
 energy and annoying ability that he threw into them, 
 - he conceived the idea of setting up a drum ! The 
 plan was no sooner thought of than carried out. 
 He met with an instrument sufficiently large and for 
 midable for his purpose, hired it, and had it stealthily 
 conveyed into college (like another Falstaff) in a linen 
 "buck-basket." He waited his opportunity; and, the 
 next time that the gentleman in the rooms beneath 
 took his cornet to his cottage near a wood, Mr. Boun 
 cer, stationed on the landing above, played a thundering 
 accompaniment on his big drum. 
 
 The echoes from the tightened parchment rolled 
 round the Quad, and brought to the spot a rush of 
 curious and excited undergraduates. Mr. Bouncer, 
 after taking off his wig in honour of the air, then 
 treated them to the National Anthem, arranged as a 
 drum solo for two sticks, the chorus being sustained 
 by the voices of those present; when in the midst of 
 the entertainment, the reproachful features of Mr. 
 Slowcoach appeared upon the scene. Sternly the tutor 
 
326 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 demanded the reason of the strange hubbub; and was 
 answered by Mr. Bouncer, that, as one gentleman was 
 allowed to play his favourite instrument whenever he 
 chose, for his own but no one else s gratification, he 
 
 could not see why he 
 
 i 
 
 (Mr. Bouncer) might 
 not also, whenever 
 he pleased, play for 
 his own gratification 
 his favourite instru- 
 ment the big 
 drum. This specious 
 excuse, although 
 logical, was not al 
 together satisfactory 
 to Mr. Slowcoach; 
 and, with some as 
 perity, he ordered 
 Mr. Bouncer never 
 again to indulge in, 
 what he termed (in 
 
 reference probably to the little gentleman s bald head) 
 "such an indecent exhibition." But, as he further 
 ordered that the cornet-a-piston gentleman was to in- 
 strumentally enter into his cottage near a wood, only 
 at stated hours in the afternoon, Mr. Bouncer had 
 gained his point in putting a stop to the nuisance so 
 far as it interfered with his reading; and, thenceforth, 
 he might be seen on brief occasions persuading him 
 self that he was furiously reading and getting up his 
 subjects by the aid of those royal roads to knowledge, 
 variously known as cribs, crams, plugs, abstracts, anal 
 yses, or epitomes. 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 327 
 
 But, besides the assistance thus afforded to him out 
 of the schools, Mr. Bouncer, like many others, idle as 
 well as ignorant, intended to assist himself when in 
 the schools by any contrivance that his ingenuity could 
 suggest, or his audacity carry out. 
 
 "It s quite fair," was the little gentleman s argu 
 ment, "to do the examiners in any way that you can, 
 as long as you only go in for a pass. Of course, if 
 you were going in for a class, or a scholarship, or 
 any thing of that sort, it would be no end mean and 
 dirty to crib; and the gent that did it ought to be 
 kicked out of the society of gentlemen. But when 
 you only go in for a pass, and ain t doing any one any 
 harm by a little bit of cribbing, but choose to run the 
 risk to save yourself the bother of being ploughed, 
 why then, I think, a feller s bound to do what he can 
 for himself. And, you see, in my case, Gig-lamps, 
 there s the Mum to be considered; she d cut up 
 doosid, if I didn t get through; so I must crib a bit, 
 if it s only for her sake." 
 
 But although the little gentleman thus made filial 
 tenderness the excuse for his deceit, and the salve for 
 his conscience, yet he could neither persuade Mr. 
 Verdant Green to follow his example, nor to be a con 
 vert to his opinions; nor would he be persuaded by 
 our hero to relinquish his designs. 
 
 "Why, look here, Gig-lamps!" Mr. Bouncer would 
 say; "how can I relinquish them, after having had all 
 this trouble? I 11 put you up to a few of my dodges 
 free, gratis, for nothing. In the first place, Gig- 
 lamps, you see here s a small circular bit of paper, 
 covered with Peloponnesian and Punic wars, and no 
 end of dates, written small and short, you see, but 
 
328 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 quite legible, with the chief things done in red ink. 
 Well, this gentleman goes in the front of my watch, 
 under the glass; and when I get stumped for a date, 
 out comes the watch; I look at the time of day 
 you understand, and down goes the date. Here s 
 another dodge!" added the little gentleman who 
 might well have been called "the Artful Dodger" 
 
 as he produced a shirt from a drawer. " Look here, 
 at the wristbands ! Here are all the Kings of Israel 
 and Judah, with their dates and prophets, written 
 down in India-ink, so as to wash out again. You 
 twitch up the cuff of your coat, quite accidentally, and 
 then you book your king. You see, Gig-lamps, I don t 
 like to trust, as some fellows do, to having what you 
 want, written down small and shoved into a quill, and 
 passed to you by some man sitting in the schools; 
 that s dangerous, don t you see. And I don t like to 
 hold cards in my hand ; I ve improved on that, and 
 invented a first-rate dodge of my own, that I intend to 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 329 
 
 take out a patent for. Like all truly great inventions, 
 it s no end simple. In the first place, look straight 
 afore you, my little dear, and you will see this pack of 
 cards, a ll made of a size, nice to hold in the palm 
 of your hand; they re about all sorts of rum things, 
 every thing that I want. And you see that each 
 beggar s got a hole drilled in him. And you see, 
 here s a longish string with a little bit of hooked 
 wire at the end, made so that I can easily hang the 
 card on it. Well, I pass the string up my coat sleeve, 
 and down under my waistcoat; and here, you see, I ve 
 got the wire end in the palm of my hand. Then I 
 slip out the card I want, and hook it on to the wire, 
 so that I can have it just before me as I write. Then, 
 if any of the examiners look suspicious, or if one of 
 them comes round to spy, I just pull the bit of string 
 that hangs under the bottom of my waistcoat, and 
 away flies the card up my coat sleeve; and when the 
 examiner comes round, he sees that my hand s never 
 moved, and that there s nothing in it! So he walks 
 off satisfied; and then I shake the little beggar out of 
 my sleeve again, and the same game goes on as before. 
 And when the string s tight, even straightening your 
 body is quite sufficient to hoist the card into your 
 sleeve, without moving either of your hands. I ve 
 got an Examination-coat made on purpose, with a 
 heap of pockets, in which I can stow my cards in 
 regular order. These three pockets/ said Mr. Boun- 
 cer, as he produced the coat, "are entirely for Euclid. 
 Here s each problem written right out on a card; 
 they re laid regularly in order, and I turn them over 
 in my pocket, till I get hold of the one I want, and 
 then I take it out, and work it. So you see, Gig- 
 
330 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 lamps, I m safe to get through ! it s impossible for 
 them ^ to plough me, with all these contrivances. 
 That s a consolation for a cove in distress, ain t it 
 old feller? " 
 
 Both our hero and Charles Larkyns endeavoured to 
 persuade Mr. Bouncer that his conduct would, at the 
 very least, be foolhardy, and that he had much better 
 throw his pack of cards into the fire, wash the Kings 
 of Israel and Judah off his shirt, destroy his strings 
 and hooked wires, and keep his Examination-coat fora 
 shooting one. But all their arguments were in vain; 
 and the infatuated little gentleman, like a deaf adder, 
 shut his ears at the voice of the charmer. 
 
 What between the Cowley crickctings, and the Isis 
 boatings, Mr. Verdant Green only read by spasmodic 
 fits; but, as he was very fairly up in his subjects 
 thanks to Charles Larkyns and the Rector and as 
 the Little-go was not such a very formidable affair, 
 or demanded a scholar of first -rate calibre, the only 
 terrors that the examination could bring him were 
 those which were begotten of nervousness. At length 
 the lists were out; and our hero read among the names 
 of candidates, that of 
 
 " GREEN, Verdant, } Coll. ^n. Fac." 
 
 There is a peculiar sensation on first seeing your 
 name in print. Instances are on record where people 
 have taken a world of trouble merely that they may 
 have the pleasure of perusing their names "among 
 the fashionables present " at the Countess of So-and- 
 so s evening-reception; and cases are not wanting 
 where young ladies and gentlemen have expended no 
 small amount of pocket-money in purchasing copies of 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 331 
 
 "The Times" (no reduction, too, being made on tak 
 ing a quantity!) in order that their sympathising 
 friends might have the pride of seeing their names as 
 coming out at drawing-rooms and levies. When a 
 young M.P. has stammered out his conp-d essai in the 
 House, he views, with mingled emotions, his name 
 given to the world, for the first time, in capital letters. 
 When young authors and artists first see their names 
 in print, is it not a pleasure to them? When Ensign 
 Dash sees himself gazetted, does he not look on his 
 name with a peculiar sensation, and forthwith send 
 an impression of the paper to Master Jones, who was 
 flogged with him last week for stealing apples ? When 
 Mr. Smith is called to the Bar, and Mr. Robinson can 
 dub himself M.R.C. S. , do they not behold their 
 names in print with feelings of rapture? And when 
 Miss Brown has been to her first ball, does she not 
 anxiously await the coming of the next county news 
 paper, in order to have the happiness of reading her 
 name there? 
 
 But, different to these are the sensations that attend 
 the seeing your name first in print in a College exami 
 nation-list. They are, probably, somewhat similar to 
 the sensations you would feel on seeing your name in 
 a death-warrant. Your blood runs hot, then cold, 
 then hot again; your pulse goes at fever pace; the 
 throbbing arteries of your brow almost jerk your cap 
 off. You know that the worst is come, that the law 
 of the Dons, which altereth not, has fixed your name 
 there, and that there is no escape. The courage of 
 despair then takes possession of your soul, and nerves 
 you for the worst. You join the crowd of nervous 
 fellow-sufferers who are thronging round the buttery- 
 
332 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 door to examine the list, and you begin with them 
 calmly to parcel out the names by sixes and eights, 
 and then to arrive at an opinion when your day of 
 execution will be. If your name comes at the head of 
 the list, you wish that you were " YOUNG, Carolus, 
 e Coll. Vigorn" that you might have a reprieve of your 
 sentence. If your name is at the end of the list, you 
 wish you were " ADAMS, Edvardtis Jacobus, e Coll. 
 Univ." that you might go in at once, and be put out 
 of your misery. If your name is in the middle of the 
 list, you wish that it were elsewhere: and then you 
 wish that it were out of the list altogether. 
 
 Through these varying shades of emotion did Mr. 
 
 Verdant Green pass, 
 ;i!|| until at length they 
 were all lost in the 
 deeper gloom of ac 
 tual entrance into 
 the schools. When 
 once there, his fright 
 soon passed away. 
 Reassured by the 
 kindly voice of the 
 examiner, telling 
 him to read over his 
 Greek before con 
 struing it, our hero 
 recovered his equa 
 nimity, and got through his vivd voce with flying 
 colours ; and, on glancing over his paper-work, soon 
 saw that the questions were within his scope, and 
 that he could answer most of them. Without hazard 
 ing his success by making "bad shots," he contented 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 333 
 
 himself by answering those questions only on which 
 he felt sure; and, when his examination was over, 
 he left the schools with a pretty safe conviction that 
 he was safe, "and was well through his smalls." 
 
 He could not but help, however, feeling some anx 
 iety on the subject, until he was relieved from all 
 further fears, by the arrival of Messrs. Fosbrooke, 
 Smalls, and Blades, with a slip of paper (not unlike 
 those which Mr. Levi, the sheriff s officer, makes use 
 of), on which was written and printed as follows : 
 
 " GREEN, VERDANT, E COLL. &X. FAC. 
 
 Quaestionibus Magistrorum Scholarum in Parviso pro forma 
 
 respondit. 
 
 Ita testamur, \ GULIELMUS SMITH, 
 Junii 7, 18 ." < ROBERTUS JONES. 
 
 Alas for Mr. Bouncer ! Though he had put in prac 
 tice all the ingenious plans which were without a 
 doubt to ensure his success; and though he had worked 
 his cribs with consummate coolness, and had not been 
 discovered; yet, nevertheless, his friends came to him 
 empty-handed. The infatuated little gentleman had 
 either trusted too much to his own astuteness, or else 
 he had over-reached himself, and had used his card- 
 knowledge in wrong places; or, perhaps, the examiners 
 may have suspected his deeds from the nature of his 
 papers, and may have refused to pass him. But what 
 ever might be the cause, the little gentleman had to 
 defer taking his degree for some months at least. In a 
 word and a dreadful word it is to all undergraduates 
 Mr. Bouncer was PLUCKED ! He bore his unexpected 
 reverse of fortune very philosophically, and professed 
 to regret it only for "the Mum s" sake; but he seemed 
 to feel that the Dons of his college would look shy 
 
334 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 upon him, and he expressed his opinion that it would 
 be better for him to migrate to the Tavern. 1 
 
 But, while Mr. Bouncer was thus deservedly pun 
 ished for his idleness and duplicity, Charles Larkyns 
 was rewarded for all his toil. He did even better 
 than he had expected : for, not only did his name appear 
 in the second class, but the following extra news 
 concerning him was published in the daily papers, 
 under the very appropriate heading of " University 
 Intelligence." 
 
 " OXFORD, June 9. The Chancellor s prizes have been awarded 
 as follows : 
 
 " Latin Essay, Charles Larkyns, Commoner of Brazenface. The 
 New digate Prize for English Verse was also awarded to the same 
 gentleman." 
 
 His writing for the prize poem had been a secret. 
 He had conceived the idea of doing so when the sub 
 ject had been given out in the previous "long:" he 
 had worked at the subject privately, and, when the 
 day (April i) on which the poems had to be sent in, 
 had come, he had watched his opportunity, and secretly 
 dropped through the wired slit in the door of the 
 registrar s office at the Clarendon, a manuscript poem, 
 distinguished by the motto: 
 
 " Oh for the touch of a vanish d hand 
 And the sound of a voice that is still." 
 
 We may be quite sure that there was great rejoicing 
 at the Manor Green and the Rectory, when the news 
 arrived of the success of Charles Larkyns and Mr. 
 Verdant Green. 
 
 1 A name given to New Inn Hall, not only from its title, "New 
 Inn," but also because the buttery is open all day, and the mem 
 bers of the Hall can call for what they please at any hour, the 
 same as in a tavern. 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 335 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN AND HIS FRIENDS ENJOY THE 
 COMMEMORATION. 
 
 THE Commemoration had 
 come; and, among the 
 people who were drawn 
 to the sight frtfm all 
 parts of the country, 
 the Warwickshire coach 
 landed in Oxford our 
 friends Mr. Green, his 
 two eldest daughters, 
 and the Rector for 
 all of whom Charles 
 Larkyns had secured 
 very comfortable lodg 
 ings in Oriel Street. 
 
 The weather was of 
 the finest ; and the beau 
 tiful city of colleges looked at its best. While the 
 Rector met with old friends, and heard his son s praises, 
 and renewed his acquaintance with his old haunts of 
 study, Mr. Green again lionised Oxford in a much more 
 comfortable and satisfactory manner than he had pre 
 viously done at the heels of a professional guide. As 
 
336 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 for the young ladies, they were charmed with every 
 thing; for they had never before been in an University 
 town, and all things had the fascination of novelty. 
 Great were the luncheons held in Mr. Verdant Green s 
 and Charles Larkyns rooms; musical was the laughter 
 that floated merrily through the grave old quads of 
 Brazenface; happy were the two hearts that held con 
 verse with each other in those cool cloisters and shady 
 gardens. How a few flounces and bright girlish smiles 
 can change the aspect of the sternest homes of knowl 
 edge ! How sunlight can be brought into the gloom 
 iest nooks of learning by the beams that irradiate 
 happy girlish faces, where the light of love and truth 
 shines out clear and joyous! How the appearance of 
 the Commemoration week is influenced in a way thus 
 described by one of Oxonia s poets: 
 
 " Peace ! for in the gay procession brighter forms are borne along 
 Fairer scholars, pleasure-beaming, float amid the classic throng. 
 Blither laughter s ringing music fills the haunts of men awhile, 
 And the sternest priests of knowledge blush beneath a maiden s 
 
 smile. 
 
 Maidens teach a softer science laughing Love his pinions dips, 
 Hush d to hear fantastic whispers murmur d from a pedant s lips. 
 Oh, believe it, throbbing pulses flutter under folds of starch, 
 And the Dons are human-hearted if the ladies smiles be arch/ 
 
 Thanks to the influence of Charles Larkyns and his 
 father, the party were enabled to see all that was to 
 be seen during the Commemoration week. On the 
 Saturday night they went to the amateur concert at 
 the Town Hall, in aid of which, strange to say, Mr. 
 Bouncer s proffer of his big drum had been declined. 
 On the Sunday they went, in the morning, to St. 
 Mary s to hear the Bampton lecture; and, in the after- 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 337 
 
 noon, to the magnificent choral service at New College. 
 In the evening they attended the customary "Show 
 Sunday " promenade in Christ Church Broad Walk, 
 where, under the delicious cool of the luxuriant foli 
 age, they met all the rank, beauty, and fashion that 
 were assembled in Oxford; and where, until Tom 
 "tolled the hour for retiring," they threaded their way 
 amid a miscellaneous crowd of Dons and Doctors, and 
 Tufts and Heads of Houses, 
 
 With prudes for Proctors, dowagers for Deans, 
 And bright girl-graduates with their golden hair. 
 
 On the Monday they had a party to Woodstock and 
 Blenheim; and in the evening went, on the Brazenface 
 barge, to see the procession of boats, where the Misses 
 Green had the satisfaction to see their brother pulling 
 in one of the fifteen torpids that followed immediately 
 in the wake of the other boats. They concluded the 
 evening s entertainments in a most satisfactory man 
 ner, by going to the ball at the Town Hall. 
 
 Indeed, the way the two young ladies worked was 
 worthy of all credit, and proved them to be possessed 
 of the most vigorous constitutions ; for, although they 
 danced till an early hour in the morning, they not 
 only, on the next day, went to the anniversary sermon 
 for the Radcliffe, and after that to the horticultural 
 show in the Botanical Gardens, and after that to the 
 concert in the Sheldonian Theatre, but as though 
 they had not had enough to fatigue them already - 
 they must, forsooth Brazenface being one of the 
 ball-giving colleges wind up the night by accepting 
 the polite invitation of Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. 
 Charles Larkyns to a ball given in their college hall. 
 
338 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 And how many polkas these young ladies danced, and 
 how many waltzes they waltzed, and how many ices 
 they consumed, and how many too susceptible partners 
 they drove to the verge of desperation, it would be 
 improper, if not impossible, to say. 
 
 But, however much they might have been fagged by 
 their exertions of feet and features, it is certain that, 
 
 by ten of the clock the next morning, they appeared, 
 quite fresh and charming to the view, in the ladies 
 gallery in the theatre. There after the proceedings 
 had been opened by the undergraduates in their pecu 
 liar way, and by the Vice-Chancellor in his peculiar 
 wav anc l j after the degrees had been conferred, and 
 the public orator had delivered an oration in a tongue 
 not understanded of the people, our friends from War 
 wickshire had the delight of beholding Mr. Charles 
 Larkyns ascend the rostrums to deliver, in their proper 
 order, the Latin Essay and the English Verse. He 
 
AN OXFORD UNDERGRADUATE. 
 
 339 
 
 had chosen his friend Verdant to be his prompter; so 
 that the well-known " gig-lamps" of our hero formed, 
 as it were, a very focus of attraction: but it was well 
 for Mr. Charles Larkyns that he was possessed of self- 
 control and a good memory, for Mr. Verdant Green 
 was far too nervous to have prompted him in any effi 
 
 cient manner. We may be sure, that in all that bevy 
 of fair women, at least one pair of bright eyes kindled 
 with rapture, and one heart beat with exulting joy, 
 when the deafening cheers that followed the poet s 
 description of the moon, the sea, and woman s love 
 (the three ingredients which are apparently necessary 
 for the sweetening of all prize poems), rang through 
 
340 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 the theatre and made its walls re-echo to the shouting. 
 And we may be sure that, when it was all over, and 
 when the Commemoration had come to an end, Charles 
 Larkyns felt rewarded for all his hours of labour by 
 the deep love garnered up in his heart by the trustful 
 affection of one who had become as dear to him as life 
 itself! 
 
 It was one morning after they had all returned to 
 the Manor Green that our hero said to his friend, 
 "How I do wish that this day week were come!" 
 
 "I dare say you do," replied the friend; "and I 
 dare say that the pretty Patty is wishing the same 
 wish." Upon which Mr. Verdant Green not only 
 laughed but blushed! 
 
 For it seemed that he, together with his sisters, Mr. 
 Charles Larkyns, and Mr. Bouncer, were about to pay 
 a long-vacation visit to Honeywood Hall, in the county 
 of Northumberland; and the young man was naturally 
 looking forward to it with all the ardour of a first and 
 consuming passion. 
 
PART III. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN MARRIED AND DONE FOR. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN TRAVELS NORTH. 
 
 ULY: fierce and burn 
 ing! 
 
 A day to tinge the 
 green corn with a 
 golden hue. A day 
 to scorch grass into 
 hay between sunrise 
 and sunset. A day 
 in which to rejoice in 
 the cool thick masses 
 of trees, and to lie on one s back under their canopy, 
 and look dreamily up, through its rents, at the peep of 
 hot, cloudless, blue sky. A day to sit on shady banks 
 upon yielding cushions of moss and heather, from 
 whence you gaze on bright flowers blazing in the blaz 
 ing sun, and rest your eyes again upon your book to find 
 the lines swimming in a radiance of mingled green and 
 red. A day that fills you with amphibious feelings, 
 and makes you desire to be even a dog, that you might 
 bathe and paddle and swim in every roadside brook 
 
342 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN 
 
 and pond, without the exertion of dressing and un 
 dressing, and yet with propriety. A day that sends you 
 out by willow-hung streams, to fish, as an excuse for 
 idleness. A day that drives you dinnerless from smok 
 ing joints, and plunges you thirstfully into barrels of 
 beer. A day that induces apathetic listlessness and 
 total prostration of energy, even under the aggravating 
 warfare of gnats and wasps. A day that engenders 
 pity for the ranks of ruddy haymakers, hotly marching 
 on under the merciless glare of the noonday sun. A day 
 when the very air, steaming up from the earth, seems 
 to palpitate with the heat. A day when Society has 
 left its cool and pleasant country-house, and finds 
 itself baked and burnt up in town, condemned to 
 ovens of operas, and fiery furnaces of levees and draw 
 ing-rooms. A day when even ice is warm, and per 
 spiring visitors to the Zoological Gardens envy the 
 hippopotamus living in his bath. A day when a hot, 
 frizzling, sweltering smell ascends from the ground, as 
 though it was the earth s great ironing day. And 
 above all a day that converts a railway traveller into 
 a martyr, and a first-class carriage into a moving repre 
 sentation of the Black Hole of Calcutta. 
 
 So thought Mr. Verdant Green, as he whirled onward 
 to the far north, in company with his three sisters, 
 Miss Bouncer, and Mr. Charles Larkyns. Being six 
 in number, they formed a snug (and hot) family party, 
 and filled the carriage, to the exclusion of little Mr. 
 Bouncer, who, nevertheless, bore this temporary and 
 unavoidable separation with a tranquil mind, inasmuch 
 as it enabled him to ride in a second-class carriage, 
 where he could the more conveniently indulge in the 
 furtive pleasures of the Virginian weed. But, to keep 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 343 
 
 up his connection with the party, and to prove that 
 his interest in them could not be diminished by a 
 brief and enforced absence, Mr. Bouncer paid them 
 flying visits at every station, keeping his pipe alight 
 by a puff into the carriage, accompanied with an 
 expression of his full conviction that Miss Fanny 
 Green had been smoking, in defiance of the company s 
 by-laws. These rapid interviews were enlivened by 
 Mr. Bouncer informing his friends that Huz and Buz 
 (who were panting in a locker) were as well as could 
 be expected, and giving any other interesting particu 
 lars regarding himself, his fellow-travellers, or the 
 country in general, that could be compressed into the 
 space of sixty seconds or thereabouts; and the visits 
 were regularly and ruthlessly brought to an abrupt 
 termination by the angry "Now, then, sir!" of the 
 guard, and the reckless thrusting of the little gentle 
 man into his second-class carriage, to the endanger- 
 ment of his life and limbs, and the exaggerated display 
 of authority on the part of the railway official. 
 
 Mr. Bouncer s mercurial temperament had enabled 
 him to get over the little misfortune that had followed 
 upon his examination for his degree; but he still pre 
 served a memento of that hapless period in the shape 
 of a wig of curly black hair. For he found, during 
 the summer months, such coolness from his shaven 
 poll, that, in spite of "the mum s" entreaties, he 
 would not suffer his own luxuriant locks to grow, but 
 declared that, till the winter at any rate, he would 
 wear his gent s real head of hair; and in order that 
 our railway party should not forget the reason for its 
 existence, Mr. Bouncer occasionally favoured them 
 with a sight of his bald head, and also narrated to 
 
344 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 them, with great glee, how, when a very starchy lady 
 of a certain age had left their carriage, he had called 
 after her upon the platform holding out his wig as 
 he did so that she had left some of her property 
 behind her; and how the passengers and porters had 
 grinned, and the starchy lady had lost all her stiffen 
 ing through the hotness of her wrath. 
 
 York at last! A half-hour s escape from the hot 
 carriage, and a hasty dinner on cold lamb and cool 
 salad in the pleasant refreshment -room hung round 
 with engravings. Mr. Bouncer s dinner is got over 
 with incredible rapidity, in order that the little gentle 
 man may carry out his humane intention of releasing 
 Huz and Buz from their locker, and giving them their 
 dinner and a run on the remote end of the platform, at 
 a distance from timid spectators; which design is 
 satisfactorily performed, and crowned with a douche 
 bath from the engine -pump. Then, away again to the 
 rabbit-hole of a locker, the smoky second-class car 
 riage and the stuffy first-class; incarcerated in which 
 black-hole, the plump Miss Bouncer, notwithstanding 
 that she has removed her bonnet and all superfluous 
 coverings, gets hotter than ever in the afternoon sun, 
 and is seen, ever and anon, to pass over her glowing 
 face a handkerchief cooled with the waters of Cologne. 
 And, when the man with the grease-pot comes round 
 to look at the tires of the wheels, the sight of it 
 increases her warmth by suggesting a desire (which 
 cannot be gratified) for lemon ice. Nevertheless, they 
 have with them a variety of cooling refreshments, and 
 their hot-house fruit and strawberries are most accept 
 able. The Misses Green have wisely followed their 
 friend s example, in the removal of bonnets and man- 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 345 
 
 ties; and, as they amuse themselves with books and 
 embroidery, the black-hole bears, as far as possible, a 
 resemblance to a boudoir. Charles Larkyns favours 
 the company with extracts from "The Times;" reads 
 to them the last number of Dickens new tale, or 
 directs their attention to the most note-worthy points 
 on their route. Mr. Verdant Green is seated vis-a-vis 
 to the plump Miss Bouncer, and benignant ly beams 
 
 upon her through his glasses, or musingly consults 
 his "Bradshaw" to count how much nearer they have 
 crept to their destination, the while his thoughts have 
 travelled on in the very quickest of express trains, and 
 have already reached the far north. 
 
 Thus they journey: crawling under the stately old 
 walls of York ; then, with a rush and a roar, sliding 
 rapidly over the level landscape, from whence they can 
 look back upon the glorious Minster towers standing 
 out grey and cold from the sunlit plain. Then, to 
 Darlington ; and on by porters proclaiming the names 
 
346 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 of stations in uncouth Dunelmian tongue, informing 
 passengers that they have reached " Faweyill " and 
 "Fensoosen," instead of "Ferry Hill" and "Fence 
 Houses," and terrifying nervous people by the com 
 mand to "Change here for Doom!" when only the 
 propinquity of the palatinate city is signified. And 
 so, on by the triple towers of Durham that gleam in 
 the sun with a ruddy orange hue; on, leaving to the 
 left that last resting-place of Bede and St. Cuthbert, 
 on the rock 
 
 " Where his cathedral, huge and vast, 
 Looks down upon the Wear." 
 
 On, past the wonderfully out-of-place "Durham monu 
 ment," a Grecian temple on a naked hill among the 
 coal-pits; on, with a double curve, over the Wear, 
 laden with its Rhine-like rafts; on, to grimy Gates- 
 head and smoky Newcastle, and, with a scream and a 
 rattle, over the wonderful High Level (then barely 
 completed), looking down with a sort of self-satisfied 
 shudder upon the bridge, and the Tyne, and the fleet 
 of colliers, and the busy quays, and the quaint timber- 
 built houses with their overlapping storys, and pic 
 turesque black and white gables. Then, on again, 
 after a cool delay and brief release from the black- 
 hole; on, into Northumbrian ground, over the Wans- 
 beck; past Morpeth; by Warkworth, and its castle, 
 and hermitage; over the Coquet stream, beloved by 
 the friends of gentle Izaak Walton ; on, by the sea-side 
 almost along the very sands with the refreshing 
 sea-breeze, and the murmuring plash of the breakers 
 the Misses Green giving way to childish delight at this 
 their first glimpse of the sea; on, over the Aln, and 
 past Alnwick; and so on, still further north, to a 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 347 
 
 certain little station, which is the terminus of their 
 railway journey, and the signal of their deliverance 
 from the black-hole. 
 
 There, on the platform is Mr. Honeywood, looking 
 hale and happy, and delighted to receive his posse of 
 visitors; and there, outside the little station, is the 
 carriage and dog-cart, and a spring-cart for the lug 
 gage. Charles Larkyns takes possession of the dog 
 cart, in company with Mary arid Fanny Green, and 
 little Mr. Bouncer; while Huz and Buz, released from 
 their weary imprisonment, caracole gracefully around 
 the vehicle. Mr. Honeywood takes the reins of his 
 own carriage; Mr. Verdant Green mounts the box 
 beside him; Miss Bouncer and Miss Helen Green take 
 possession of the open interior of the carriage; the 
 spring-cart, with the servants and luggage, follows in 
 the rear; and off they go. 
 
 But, though the two blood-horses are by no means 
 slow of action, and do, in truth, gallop apace like 
 fiery-footed steeds, yet to Mr. Verdant Green s anx 
 ious mind they seem to make but slow progress; and 
 the magnificent country through which they pass offers 
 but slight charms for his abstracted thoughts; until 
 (at last) they come in sight of a broken mountain- 
 range, and Mr. Honeywood, pointing with his whip, 
 exclaims, " Yon s the Cheevyuts, as they say in these 
 parts; there are the Cheviot Hills; and there, just 
 where you see that gleam of light on a white house 
 among some trees there is Honeywood Hall." 
 
 Did Mr. Verdant Green remove his eyes from that 
 object of attraction, save when intervening hills, for a 
 time, hid it from his view? did he, when they neared 
 it, and he saw its landscape beauties bathed in the 
 
348 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 golden splendours of a July sunset, did he think it a 
 very paradise that held within its bowers the Peri of 
 his heart s worship ? did he as they passed the lodge, 
 and drove up an avenue of firs did he scan the win 
 dows of the house, and immediately determine in his 
 own mind which was HER window, oblivious to the 
 fact that SHE might sleep on the other side of the 
 building? did he, as they pulled up at the door, scru 
 tinise the female figures who were there to receive 
 them, and experience a feeling made up of doubt and 
 certainty, that there was one who, though not present, 
 was waiting near with a heart beating as anxiously as 
 his own? did he make wild remarks, and return inco 
 herent answers, until the long-expected moment had 
 come that brought him face to face with the adorable 
 Patty? did he envy Charles Larkyns for possessing and 
 practising the cousinly privilege of bestowing a kiss 
 upon her rosy cheeks ? and did he, as he pressed her 
 hand, and marked the heightened glow of her happy 
 face, did he feel within his heart an exultant thrill 
 of joy as the fervid thought fired his brain one day 
 she may be mine? 
 Perhaps ! 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 349 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN DELIVERS MISS PATTY HONEY- 
 WOOD FROM THE HORNS OF A DILEMMA. 
 
 YEN if Mr. Verdant 
 Green had not been 
 filled with the pecu- 
 1 i a r 1 y pleasurable 
 sensations to which 
 allusion has just been 
 made, it is yet ex 
 ceedingly probable 
 that he would have 
 found his visit to 
 Honeywood Hall one of those agreeable and notable 
 events which the memory of after-years invests with 
 the couleur du rose. 
 
 In the first place even if Miss Patty was left out 
 of the question every one was so particularly atten 
 tive to him, that all his wants, as regarded amusement 
 and occupation, were promptly supplied, and not a 
 minute was allowed to hang heavily upon his hands. 
 And, in the second place, the country, and its people 
 and customs, had so much freshness and peculiarity, 
 that he could not stir abroad without meeting with 
 novelty. New ideas were constantly received ; and 
 
35O THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 
 
 other sensations of a still more delightful nature were 
 daily deepened. Thus the time passed pleasantly 
 away at Honeywood Hall, and the hours chased each 
 other with flying feet. 
 
 Mr. Honeywood was a squire, or laird ; and though 
 the prospect from the hall was far too extensive to 
 allow of his being monarch of all that he surveyed, yet 
 he was the proprietor of no inconsiderable portion. 
 The small village of Honeybourn, which brought its 
 one wide street of long, low, lime-washed houses hard 
 by the hall, owned no other master than Mr. Honey- 
 wood ; and all its inhabitants were, in one way or other, 
 his labourers. They had their own blacksmith, shoe 
 maker, tailor, and carpenter; they maintained a general 
 shop of the tea-coffee-tobacco-and-snuff genus; and they 
 lived as one family, entirely independent of any other 
 village. In fact, the villages in that district were as 
 sparingly distributed as are "livings" among poor 
 curates, and, when met with, were equally as small; 
 and so it happened, that as the landowners usually 
 resided, like Mr. Honeywood, among their own people, 
 a gentleman would occasionally be as badly off for a 
 neighbour, as though he had been a resident in the 
 backwoods of Canada. This evil, however, was pro 
 ductive of good, in that it set aside the possibility of 
 a deliberate interchange of formal morning-calls, and 
 obliged neighbours to be hospitable to each other, sans 
 cttrtmonie, and with all good fellowship. To drive 
 fifteen, twenty, or even five-and-twenty miles, to a 
 dinner party was so common an occurrence, that it 
 excited surprise only in a stranger, whose wonderment 
 at this voluntary fatigue would be quickly dispelled on 
 witnessing the hearty hospitality and friendly freedom 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 351 
 
 that made a north country visit so enjoyable, and 
 robbed the dinner party of its ordinary character of an 
 English solemnity. 
 
 Close to Honeybourn village was the Squire s model 
 farm, with its wide-spreading yards and buildings, and 
 its comfortable bailiff s house. In a morning at sun 
 rise, when our Warwickshire friends were yet in bed, 
 such of them as were light sleepers would hear a not 
 very melodious fanfare from a cow s horn the signal 
 to the village that the day s work was begun, which 
 signal was repeated at sunset. This old custom pos 
 sessed uncommon charms for Mr. Bouncer, whose only 
 regret was that he had left behind him his celebrated 
 tin horn. But he took to the cow-horn with the readi 
 ness of a child to a new plaything; and, having placed 
 himself under the instruction of the Northumbrian 
 Koenig, was speedily enabled to sound his octaves and 
 go the complete unicorn (as he was wont to express it, 
 in his peculiarly figurative eastern language) with a 
 still more astounding effect than he had done on his 
 former instrument. The little gentleman always made 
 a point of thus signalling the times of the arrival and 
 departure of the post, greatly to the delight of 
 small Jock Muir, who, girded with his letter-bag, and 
 mounted on a highly-trained donkey, rode to and fro 
 to the neighbouring post-town. 
 
 Although Mr. Verdant Green was not (according to 
 Mr. Bouncer) "a bucolical party," and had not any 
 very amazing taste for agriculture, he nevertheless 
 could not but feel interested in what he saw around 
 him. To one who was so accustomed to the small 
 enclosures and timbered hedge-rows of the midland 
 counties, the country of the Cheviots appeared in a 
 23 
 
352 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 grand, though naked aspect, like some stalwart gladia 
 tor of the stern old times. The fields were of large 
 extent ; and it was no uncommon sight to see, within 
 one boundary fence, a hundred acres of wheat, rippling 
 into mimic waves, like some inland sea. The flocks 
 and herds, too, were on a grand scale; men counted 
 their sheep, not by tens, but by hundreds. Every 
 thing seemed to be influenced, as it were, by the large 
 character of the scenery. The green hills, with their 
 short sweet grass, gave good pasture for the fleecy 
 tribe, who were dotted over the sward in almost count 
 less numbers; and Mr. Verdant Green was as much 
 
 gratified with "the 
 
 sill y shee p " as with 
 
 any thing else that 
 he witnessed in that 
 land of novelty. To 
 see the shepherd, 
 with his bonnet and 
 grey plaid, and long 
 slinging step, walk- 
 
 ^ i _ |, ing first, and the flock 
 
 ~" following him, to 
 
 hear him call the sheep by name, and to perceive how 
 he knew them individually, and how they each and all 
 would answer to his voice, was a realisation of Scrip 
 ture reading, and a northern picture of Eastern life. 
 
 The head shepherd, old Andrew Graham an active 
 youth whose long snowy locks had been bleached by 
 the snows of eighty winters was an especial favourite 
 of Mr. Verdant Green s, who would never tire of his 
 company, or of his anecdotes of his marvellous dogs. 
 His cottage was at a distance from the village, up in 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 353 
 
 a snug hollow of one of the hills. There he lived, and 
 there had been brought up his six sons, and as many 
 daughters. Of the latter, two were out at service in 
 noble families of the county; one was maid to the 
 Misses Honey wood, and the three others were at 
 home. How they and the other inmates of the cottage 
 were housed, was a mystery ; for, although old Andrew 
 was of a superior condition in life to the other cot 
 tagers of Honeybourn, yet his domicile was like all 
 the rest in its arrangements and accommodation. It 
 was one moderately large room, fitted up with cup 
 boards, in which, one above another, were b erths, like 
 to those on board a steamer. In what way the morn 
 ing and evening toilettes were performed was a still 
 greater mystery to our Warwickshire friends; never 
 theless, the good-looking trio of damsels were always 
 to be found neat, clean, and presentable; and, as their 
 mother one day proudly remarked, they were " douce, 
 sonsy bairns, wi weel-faur d nebs; and, for puir folks, 
 would be weel tochered." Upon which our hero said 
 "Indeed!" which, as he had not the slightest idea 
 what the good woman meant, was, perhaps, the wisest 
 remark that he could have made. 
 
 One of them was generally to be found spinning at 
 her muckle wheel, retiring and advancing to the music 
 of its cheerful hum, the while her spun thread was 
 rapidly coiled up on the spindle. The others, as they 
 busied themselves in their household duties, or bright 
 ened up the delf and pewter, and set it out on the 
 shelf to its best advantage, would join in some plain 
 tive Scotch ballad, with such good taste and skill that 
 our friends would frequently love to linger within 
 hearing, though out of sight. But these artless ditties 
 
354 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 were sometimes specially sung for them when they paid 
 the cottage-room a visit, and sat around its canopied, 
 projecting fire-place. For, old Andrew was a great 
 smoker; and little Mr. Bouncer was exceedingly fond 
 of waylaying him on his return home, and "blowing 
 a cloud " with so loquacious and novel a companion. 
 And Mr. Verdant Green sometimes joined him in 
 these visits; on which occasions, as harmony was the 
 
 order of the day, he would do his best to further it by 
 singing "Marble Halls," or any other song that his 
 limited repertoire could boast; while old Andrew would 
 burst into "Tullochgorum," or do violence to "Get up 
 and bar the door." 
 
 It must be confessed, that the conversation at such 
 times was sustained not without difficulty. Old 
 Andrew, his wife, and the major portion of his family, 
 were barely able to understand the language of their 
 guests, whom they persisted in generalising as "cannie 
 Soothrons; " while the guests, on their part, could not 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. 
 
 altogether arrive at the meaning of observations that 
 were couched in the most incomprehensible patois 
 that was ever invented. It was "neither fish, flesh, 
 nor good red herring," although it was flavoured with 
 the Northumbrian burr, and mixed with a species of 
 Scotch; and the historian of these pages would feel 
 almost as much difficulty in setting down this north- 
 Northumbrian dialect, as he would do were he to 
 attempt to reduce to words the bird-like chatter of the 
 
 Bosjesmen. 
 
 When, for example, the bewigged Mr. Bouncer - 
 "the laddie wi the black pow," as they called him - 
 was addressed as "Hinny! jist come ben, and crook 
 yer hough on the settle, and het yersen by the chim 
 ney-lug," it was as much by action as by word that he 
 understood an invitation to be seated; though the 
 "wet yer thrapple wi a drap o whuskie, mon ! 
 easier of comprehension when accompanied with the 
 presentation of the whiskey-horn. In like manner, 
 when Mr. Verdant Green s arrival was announced by 
 the furious barking of the faithful dogs, the apology 
 that " the camstary breutes of dougs would not steek 
 their clatterin gabs," was accepted as an ample ex 
 planation, more from the dogs being quieted than from 
 the lucidity of the remark that explained their uproar. 
 There was one class of lady-labourers, peculiar to 
 that part of the country, who were called Bondagers, 
 great strapping damsels of three or four-woman- 
 power, whose occupation it was to draw water, and 
 perform some of the rougher duties attendant upon 
 agricultural pursuits. The sturdy legs of these young 
 ladies were equipped in greaves of leather, which pro 
 tected them from the cutting attacks of stubble, 
 
35$ THE ADVENTURES pF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 thistles, and all other lacerating specimens of botany 
 and their exuberant figures were clad in buskins and 
 many-coloured garments, that were not long enou-h to 
 conceal their greaves and clod-hopping boots. Alto 
 gether, these young women, when engaged at their 
 ordinary avocations by the side of a spring, formed no 
 unpicturesque subject for the sketcher s pencil, and 
 
 might have been ad 
 vantageously trans 
 ferred to canvas by 
 many an artist who 
 travels to greater dis 
 tances in search of 
 lesser novelties. 1 
 
 But many peculiar 
 subjects for the pen 
 cil might there have 
 been found. One day 
 when they were all 
 going to see the ewe- 
 milking (which of 
 itself would have fur 
 nished material for 
 a host of sketches), 
 
 they suddenly came upon the following scene. Round 
 by the gable of a cottage was seated a shock-headed 
 
 1 In north-Northumberland, farm-labourers are usually hired 
 by the year from Whitsunday to Whitsunday and are paid 
 mostly in kind, so many bolls of oats, barley, and peas so 
 much flax and wheat the keep of a cow, and the addition of a 
 few pounds in money. Every hind or labourer is bound, in return 
 for his house, to provide a woman-labourer to the farmer, for so 
 much a day throughout the year which is usually tenpence a day 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN 357 
 
 rustic Absalom, and standing over him was another 
 rustic, who, with a large pair of shears, was acting as 
 an amateur Tonson, and was earnestly engaged in re 
 ducing the other s 
 profuse head of hair; 
 an occupation upon 
 which he busied him 
 self with more zeal 
 than discretion. Of 
 this little scene Miss 
 Patty Honeywood 
 forthwith made a 
 memorandum. 
 
 For Miss Patty 
 possessed the envi 
 able accomplishment 
 of sketching from na 
 ture; and, leaving the 
 
 beaten track of young-lady figure-artists, who usually 
 limit their efforts to chalk-heads and crayon smudges, 
 she boldly launched into the more difficult, but far 
 more pleasing undertaking of delineating the human 
 form divine from the very life. Mr. Verdant Green 
 found this sketching from nature to be so pretty a 
 
 in summer, and eightpence in winter ; and as it often happens that 
 he has none of his own family fit for the work, he has to hire a 
 woman, at large wages, to do it. As the demand is greater than 
 the supply there is not always a strict inquiry into the " bonda- 
 ger s " character. As with the case of hop-pickers whom these 
 bondagers somewhat resemble both socially and morally they 
 are oftentimes the inhabitants of densely-populated towns, who are 
 tempted to live a brief agricultural life, not so much from the 
 temptation of the wages, as from the desire to pass a summer-time 
 in the country. 
 
358 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 pastime, that though unable of himself to produce the 
 feeblest specimen of art, he yet took the greatest 
 delight in watching the facility with which Miss 
 Patty s taper fingers transferred to paper the vraisem- 
 blance of a pair of sturdy Bondagers, or the miniature 
 reflection of a grand landscape. Happily for him, 
 also, by way of an excuse for bestowing his company 
 upon Miss Patty, he was enabled to be of some use to 
 her in carrying her sketching-block and box of moist 
 water-colours, or in bringing to her water from a 
 neighbouring spring, or in sharpening her pencils. 
 On these occasions Verdant would have preferred their 
 being left to the sole enjoyment of each other s com 
 pany; but this was not so to be, for they were always 
 favoured with the attendance of at least a third person. 
 
 But (at last!) on one happy day, when the bright 
 sunshine was reflected in Miss Patty Honeywood s 
 bright-beaming face, Mr. Verdant Green found him 
 self wandering forth, 
 
 " All in the blue, unclouded weather," 
 
 with his heart s idol, and no third person to intrude 
 upon their duet. The alleged purport of the walk 
 was, that Miss Patty might sketch the ruined church 
 of Lasthope, which was about two miles distant from 
 the Hall. To reach it they had to follow the course 
 of the Swirl, which ran through the Squire s grounds. 
 
 The Swirl was a brawling, picturesque stream; at 
 one place narrowing into threads of silver between 
 lichen-covered stones and fragments of rock; at another 
 place flowing on in deep pools 
 
 " Wimpling, dimpling, staying never 
 Lisping, gurgling, ever going, 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 359 
 
 Sipping, slipping, ever flowing, 
 Toying round the polish d stone ; " x 
 
 fretting "in rough, shingly shallows wide," and then 
 "bickering down the sunny day." On one day it 
 might, in places, and with the aid of stepping-stones, 
 be crossed dryshod; and within twenty-four hours it 
 might be swelled by mountain torrents into a river 
 wider than the Thames at Richmond. This sudden 
 growth of the 
 
 " Infant of the weeping hills," 
 
 was the reason why the high road was carried over the 
 Swirl by a bridge of ten arches a circumstance 
 which had greatly excited little Mr. Bouncer s ideas 
 of the ridiculous when he perceived the narrow stream 
 scarcely wide enough to wet the sides of one of the 
 arches of the great bridge that straggled over it, like 
 a railway viaduct over a canal. But, ere his visit to 
 Honeywood Hall had come to an end, the little gentle 
 man had more than once seen the Swirl swollen to its 
 fullest dimensions, and been enabled to recognise the 
 use of the bridge, and the full force of the local 
 expression "the waeter is grit." 
 
 As Verdant and Miss Patty made their way along 
 the bank of this most changeable stream, they came 
 upon Mr. Charles Larkyns knee-deep in it, equipped 
 in his wading-boots and fishing dress, and industriously 
 whipping the water for trout. The Swirl was a famous 
 trout-stream, and Mr. Honey wood s coachman was a 
 noted fisherman, and was accustomed to pass many of 
 his nights fishing the stream with a white moth. It 
 appeared that the finny inhabitants of the Swirl were 
 
 1 Thomas Aird. 
 
360 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 as fond of whitebait as are Cabinet Ministers and 
 London aldermen; for the coachman s deeds of dark 
 ness invariably resulted in the production of a fine 
 dish of freshly-caught trout for the breakfast-table. 
 
 "It must be hard work," said Verdant to his friend, 
 as they stopped awhile to watch him ; " it must be hard 
 
 work to make your way 
 against the stream, and to 
 clamber in and out among 
 the rocks and stones." 
 
 "Not at all hard work," 
 was Charles Larkyns s re 
 ply, " but play. Play, too, 
 in more senses than one. 
 See! I have just struck a 
 fish. Watch, while I play 
 him. The play s the thing! 
 Wait awhile and you 11 see 
 me land him, or I m much 
 mistaken." 
 
 So they waited awhile and watched this fisherman at 
 play, until he had triumphantly landed his fish, and 
 then they pursued their way. 
 
 Miss Patty had great conversational abilities and 
 immense power of small talk, so that Verdant felt 
 quite at ease in her society, and found his natural 
 timidity and quiet bashfulness to be greatly dimin 
 ished, even if they were not altogether put on one 
 side. They were always such capital friends, and 
 Miss Patty was so kind and thoughtful in making 
 Verdant appear to the best advantage, and in looking 
 over any little gaucherics to which his bashfulness 
 might give birth, that it is not to be wondered at if 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 361 
 
 the young gentleman should feel great delight in her 
 society, and should seek for it at every opportunity. 
 In fact, Miss Patty Honeywood was beginning to be 
 quite necessary to Mr. Verdant Green s happy exist 
 ence. It may be that the young lady was not altogether 
 ignorant of this, but was enabled to read the young 
 man s state of mind, and to judge pretty accurately 
 of his inward feelings, from those minute details of 
 outward evidence which womankind are so quick to 
 mark, and so skilful in tracing to their true source. 
 It may be, also, that the young lady did not choose 
 either to check these feelings or to alter this state of 
 mind which she certainly ought to have done if she 
 was solicitous for her companion s happiness, and was 
 unable to increase it in the way that he wished. 
 
 But, at any rate, with mutual satisfaction for the 
 present, they strolled together along the Swirl s rocky 
 banks, and passing into a large enclosure, they advanced 
 midway through the fields to a spot which seemed a 
 suitable one for Miss Patty s purpose. The brawling 
 stream made a good foreground for the picture, which, 
 on the one side, was shut in by a steep hill rising pre 
 cipitously from the water s rough bed, and on the other 
 side opened out into a mountainous landscape, having 
 in the near view the ruined church of Lasthope, with 
 the still more ruinous minister s house, a fir planta 
 tion, and a rude bridge; with a middle distance of 
 bold, sheep-dotted hills; and for a background the 
 " sow-backed " Cheviot itself. 
 
 Miss Patty had made her outline of this scene, and 
 was preparing to wash it in, when, as her companion 
 came up from the stream with a little tin can of water, 
 he saw, to his equal terror and amazement, a huge bull 
 
362 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 of the most uninviting aspect stealthily approaching 
 the seated figure of the unconscious young lady. Mr. 
 Verdant Green looked hastily around and at once per 
 ceived the danger that menaced his fair friend. It 
 was evident that the bull had come up from the further 
 end of the large enclosure, the while they had been 
 too occupied to observe his stealthy approach. No 
 
 one was in sight save Charles Larkyns, who was too 
 far off to be of any use. The nearest gate was about 
 a hundred and fifty yards distant; and the bull was so 
 placed that he could overtake them before they would 
 be able to reach it. Overtake them ! yes ! But sup 
 pose they separated ? then, as the brute could not go 
 two ways at once, there would be a chance for one of 
 them to get through the gate in safety. Love, which 
 induces people to take extraordinary steps, prompted 
 Mr. Verdant Green to jump at a conclusion. He 
 determined, with less display but more sincerity than 
 melodramatic heroes, to save Miss Patty, or "perish 
 in the attempt." 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 363 
 
 She was seated on the rising bank altogether ignorant 
 of the presence of danger ; and, as Verdant returned to 
 her with the tin can of water, she received him with a 
 happy smile, and a gush of pleasant small talk, which our 
 hero immediately repressed by saying, " Don t be fright 
 ened there is no danger but there is a bull coming 
 towards us. Walk quietly to that gate, and keep your 
 face towards him as much as possible, and don t let 
 him see that you are afraid of him. I will take off his 
 attention till you are safe at the gate, and then I can 
 wade through the stream and get out of his reach. " 
 
 Miss Patty had at once sprung to her feet/and her 
 smile had changed to a terrified expression. " Oh, but 
 he will hurt you!" she cried; "do come with me. It 
 is Papa s bull Roarer; he is very savage. I can t 
 think what brings him here he is generally up at the 
 bailiff s. Pray do come; I can take care of myself." 
 
 Miss Patty in her agitation and anxiety had taken 
 hold of Mr. Verdant Green s hand; but, although the 
 young gentleman would at any other time have very 
 willingly allowed her to retain possession of it, on the 
 present occasion he disengaged it from her clasp, and 
 said, "Pray don t lose time, or it will be too late for 
 both of us. I assure you that I can easily take care 
 of myself. Now do go, pray; quietly, but quickly." 
 So Miss Patty, with an earnest, searching gaze into her 
 companion s face, did as he bade her, and retreated 
 with her face to the foe. 
 
 In a few seconds, however, the object of her move 
 ment had dawned upon Mr. Roarer s dull understanding, 
 upon which discovery he set up a bellow of fury, and 
 stamped the ground in very undignified wrath. But, 
 more than this, like a skilful general who has satisfac 
 torily worked out the forty-seventh proposition of the 
 
364 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 First Book of Euclid, and knows therefrom that the 
 square of the hypothenuse equals both that of the base 
 and perpendicular, he unconsciously commenced the 
 solution of the problem, by making a galloping charge 
 in the direction of the gate to which Miss Patty was 
 hastening. Thereupon, Mr. Verdant Green, perceiving 
 the young lady s peril, deliberately ran towards Mr. 
 Roarer, shouting and brandishing the sketch-book. 
 Mr. Roarer paused in wonder and perplexity. Mr. 
 Verdant Green shouted and advanced; Miss Patty 
 steadily retreated. After a few moments of indeci 
 sion Mr. Roarer abandoned his design of pursuing the 
 petticoats, and resolved that the gentleman should be 
 his first victim. Accordingly he sounded his trumpet 
 for the conflict, gave another roar and a stamp, and 
 then ran towards Mr. Verdant Green, who, having 
 picked up a large stone, threw it dexterously into Mr. 
 Roarer s face, which brought that broad-chested gen 
 tleman to a stand-still of astonishment and a search 
 for the missile. Of this Mr. Verdant Green took 
 advantage, and made a Parthian retreat. Glancing 
 towards Miss Patty he saw that she was within thirty 
 yards of the gate, and in a minute or two would be in 
 safety saved through his means ! 
 
 A bellow from Mr. Roarer s powerful lungs pre 
 vented him for the present from pursuing this delight 
 ful theme. In another moment the bull charged, and 
 Mr. Verdant Green braced up, as it were, to energetic 
 proceedings by the screams with which Miss Patty had 
 now begun to shrilly echo Mr. Roarer s deep-mouthed, 
 bellowings waited for his approach, and then, as the 
 bull rushed on him like a massive rock hurled for 
 ward by an avalanche he leaped aside, nimble as a 
 doubling hare. As he did so, he threw down his 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 365 
 
 wide-awake, which the irate Mr. Roarer forthwith fell 
 upon, and tossed, and tossed, and tore into shreds. 
 By this time, Verdant had reached the bank of the 
 Swirl; but before he could proceed further, the bull 
 was upon him again. Verdant was prepared-for this, 
 and had taken off his coat. As the bull dashed heavily 
 towards him, with head bent wickedly to the ground, 
 Verdant again doubled, and, with the dexterity of a 
 matador, threw his coat upon the horns. Blinded by 
 this, Mr. Roarer s headlong career was temporarily 
 checked; and it was three minutes before he had torn 
 to shreds the imaginary body of his enemy; but this 
 three minutes pause was of very great importance, 
 and in all probability prevented the memoirs of Mr. 
 Verdant Green from coming to an untimely end at 
 this portion of the narrative. 
 
 Miss Patty s continued screams had been signals of 
 distress that had not only brought up Charles Larkyns, 
 but four labourers also, who were working in a field 
 within ear-shot. This corps de reserve ran up to the 
 spot with all speed, shouting as they did so, in order 
 to distract Mr. Roarer s attention. By this time Mr. 
 Verdant Green had waded into- the water, and was 
 making the best of his way across the Swirl, in order 
 that he might reach the precipitous hill to the right; 
 up this he could scramble and bid defiance to Mr. 
 Roarer. But there is many a slip tween cup and lip. 
 Poor Verdant chanced to make a stepping-stone of a 
 treacherous boulder, and fell headlong into the water; 
 and ere he could regain his feet, the bull had plunged 
 with a bellow into the stream, and was within a yard 
 of his prostrate form, when 
 
 When you may imagine Mr. Verdant Green s 
 
366 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GRF.FN 
 
 delight and Miss Patty Honeywood s thankfulness al 
 seeing one of the labourers run into the stream, and 
 strike the bull a heavy stroke with a sharp hoe, the 
 pain of which wound caused Mr. Roarer to suddenly 
 wheel round and engage with his new adversary, who 
 followed up his advantage, and cut into his enemy 
 with might and main. Then Charles Larkyns and the 
 other three labourers came up, and the bull was pre 
 vented from doing an injury to any one until a farm- 
 servant had arrived upon the scene with a strong 
 halter, when Mr. Roarer, somewhat spent with wrath, 
 and suffering from considerable depression of animal 
 spirits, was conducted to the obscure retirement and 
 littered ease of the bull-house. 
 
 This little adventure has been recorded here, inas 
 much as from it was forged, by the hand of Cupid, a 
 golden link in our hero s chain of fate; for to this 
 occurrence Miss Patty attached no slight importance. 
 She exalted Mr. Verdant Green s conduct on this occa 
 sion into an act of heroism worthy to be ranked with far 
 more notable deeds of valour. She looked upon him 
 as a Bayard who had chivalrously risked his life in the 
 cause of love, was it? or only of a lady. Her 
 gratitude, she considered, ought to be very great to 
 one who had, at so great a venture, preserved her from 
 so horrible a death. For that she would have been 
 dreadfully gored, and would have lost her life, if she 
 had not been rescued by Mr. Verdant Green, Miss 
 Patty had most fully and unalterably decided which, 
 certainly, might have been the case. 
 
 At any rate, our hero had no reason to regret that 
 portion of his life s drama in which Mr. Roarer had 
 made his appearance. 
 
1HK ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 367 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN STUDIES YE MANNERS AND CUS- 
 TOMS OF YE NATYVES. 
 
 iss PATTY HONEYWOOD 
 was not only distin 
 guished for unlim 
 ited powers of con 
 versation, but was 
 also equally famous 
 for her equestrian 
 abilities. She and 
 her sister were the 
 first horsewomen in 
 that part of the 
 county ; and, if 
 their father had per 
 mitted, they would have been delighted to ride to 
 hounds, and to cross country with the foremost flight, 
 for they had pluck enough for any thing. They had 
 such light hands and good seats, and in every respect 
 rode so well, that, as a matter of conrse, they looked 
 well never better, perhaps, than when on horse 
 back. Their bright, happy faces which were far 
 more beautiful in their piquant irregularities of feature, 
 and gave one far more pleasure in the contemplation 
 than if they had been moulded in the coldly chiselled 
 24 
 
368 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 forms of classic beauty appeared with no diminution 
 of charms, when set off by their pretty felt riding-hats; 
 and their full, firm, and well-rounded figures were seen 
 to the greatest advantage when clad in the graceful 
 dress that passes by the name of a riding-habit. 
 
 Every morning, after breakfast, the two young 
 ladies were accustomed to visit the stables, where they 
 had interviews with their respective steeds steeds 
 and mistresses appearing to be equally gratified thereby. 
 
 It is perhaps needless to state that during Mr. Verdant 
 Green s sojourn at Honeywood Hall, Miss Patty s 
 stable calls were generally made in his company. 
 
 Such rides as they took in those happy days wild, 
 pic-nic sort of rides, over country equally as wild and 
 removed from formality rides by duets and rides in 
 duodecimos ; sometimes a solitary couple or two ; some 
 times a round dozen of them, scampering and racing 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 369 
 
 over hill and heather, with startled grouse and black 
 cock skirring up from under the very hoofs of the equally 
 startled horses ; rides by tumbling streams, like the 
 Swirl splashing through them, with pulled-up or 
 draggled habits then cantering on "over bank, bush, 
 and scaur," like so many fair Ellens and young Lochin- 
 vars clambering up very precipices, and creeping 
 
 down break-neck hills laughing and talking, and 
 singing, and whistling, and even (so far as Mr. Bouncer 
 was concerned) blowing cows horns ! What vagabond, 
 rollicking rides were those! What a healthy contrast 
 to the necessarily formal, groom-attended canter on 
 Society s Rotten Row! 
 
 A legion of dogs accompanied them on these occa 
 sions; a miscellaneous pack composed of Masters Huz 
 
3/0 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 and Buz (in great spirits at finding themselves in such 
 capital quarters), a black Newfoundland (answering to 
 the name of " Nigger"), a couple of Setters (with titles 
 from the heathen mythology "Juno" and "Flora"), 
 a ridiculous-looking, bandy-legged otter-hound (called 
 "Gripper"), a wiry, rat-catching terrier ("Nipper"), 
 and two silky-haired, long-backed, short-legged, sharp- 
 nosed, bright-eyed, pepper-and-salt Skye-terriers, who 
 respectively answered to the names of " Whisky " and 
 "Toddy," and were the property of the Misses 
 Honeywood. The lordly shepherds dogs, whom they 
 encountered on their journeys, would have nothing to 
 do with such a medley of unruly scamps, but turned 
 from their overtures of friendship with patrician dis 
 dain. They routed up rabbits; they turned out hedge 
 hogs ; and, at their approach, they made the game fly 
 with a WHIR-R-R-R-R.R-R arranged as a diminuendo. 
 
 These free-and-easy equestrian expeditions were not 
 only agreeable to Mr. Verdant Green s feelings, but 
 they were also useful to him as so many lessons of 
 horsemanship, and so greatly advanced him in the 
 practice of that noble science, that the admiring Squire 
 one day said to him -"I ll tell you what, Verdant! 
 before we ve done with you, we shall make you ride 
 like a Shafto ! " At which high eulogium Mr. Verdant 
 Green blushed, and made an inward resolution that, as 
 soon as he had returned home, he would subscribe to 
 the Warwickshire hounds, and make his appearance in 
 the field. 
 
 On Sundays the Honeywood party usually rode and 
 drove to the church of a small market-town, some 
 seven or eight miles distant. If it was a wet day, 
 they walked to the ruined church of Lasthope the 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 37! 
 
 place Miss Patty was sketching when disturbed by 
 Mr. Roarer. Lasthope was in lay hands; and its 
 lay rector, who lived far away, had so little care for 
 the edifice, or the proper conduct of divine service, 
 that he allowed the one to continue in its ruins, and 
 suffered the other to be got through anyhow or not at 
 a ll_ just as it happened. Clergymen were engaged 
 t perform the service (there was but one each day) 
 at the lowest price of the clerical market. Occasion 
 ally it was announced, in the vernacular of the district, 
 that there would be no church, "because the priest 
 had gone for the sea-bathing," or because the waters 
 were out, and the priest could not get across. As a 
 matter of course, in consequence of the uncertainty of 
 finding any one to perform the service when they had 
 got to church, and of the slovenly way in which the 
 service was scrambled through when they had got a 
 clergyman there, the congregation generally preferred 
 attending the large Presbyterian meeting-house, which 
 was about two miles from Lasthope. Here, at any 
 rate, they met with the reverse of coldness in the con 
 duct of the service. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green and his male friends strayed there 
 one Sunday for curiosity s sake, and found a minis 
 ter of indefatigable eloquence and enviable power of 
 lungs, who had arrived at such a pitch of heat, from 
 the combined effects of the weather and his own exer 
 tions, that in the very middle of his discourse and 
 literally in the heat of it he paused to divest himself 
 of his gown, heavily braided with serge and velvet, 
 and, hanging it over the side of the pulpit ("the 
 pilput," his congregation called it), mopped his head 
 with his handkerchief, and then pursued his theme 
 
3/2 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 like a giant refreshed. At this stage in the proceed- 
 ings, little Mr. Bouncer became in a high state of 
 pleasurable excitement, from the expectation that the 
 minister would next divest himself of his coat, and 
 would struggle through the rest of his argument in his 
 shirt-sleeves; but Mr. Bouncer s improper wishes 
 were not gratified. 
 
 The sermon was so extremely metaphorical, was 
 founded on such abstruse passages, and was delivered 
 in so broad a dialect, that it was caviare to Mr. Ver 
 dant Green and his friends; but it seemed to be far 
 otherwise with the attentive and crowded congregation, 
 who relieved their minister at intervals by loud bursts 
 of singing, that were impressive from their fervency 
 though not particularly harmonious to a delicately- 
 musical ear. Near to the close of the service there 
 was a collection, which induced Mr. Bouncer to whis 
 per to Verdant as an axiom deduced from his long 
 experience that "you never come to a strange place, 
 but what you are sure to drop in for a collection ; " but 
 on finding that it was a weekly offering, and that no 
 one was expected to give more than a copper, the 
 little gentleman relented, and cheerfully dropped a 
 piece of silver into the wooden box. It was astonish 
 ing to see the throngs of people, that, in so thinly 
 inhabited a district, could be assembled at this meet 
 ing-house. Though it seemed almost incredible to 
 our midland-county friends, yet not a few of these 
 poor, simple, earnest-minded people would walk from 
 a distance of fifteen miles, starting at an early hour, 
 coming by easy stages, and bringing with them their 
 dinner, so as to enable them to stay for the afternoon 
 service. On the Sunday mornings the red cloaks and 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 373 
 
 grey plaids of these pious men and women might be 
 seen dotting the green hillsides, and slowly moving 
 towards the gaunt and grim red brick meeting-house. 
 And around it, on great occasions, were tents 
 pitched for the between-service accommodation of 
 the worshippers. 
 
 Both they and it contrasted, in every way, with the 
 ruined church of Lasthope, whose worship seemed 
 also to have gone to ruin with the uncared-for edifice. 
 Its aisles had tumbled down, and their material had 
 been rudely built up within the arches of the nave. 
 The church was thus converted into the non-ecclesias 
 tical form of a parallelogram, and was fitted up with 
 the very rudest and ugliest of deal enclosures, which 
 were dignified with the name of pews, but ought to 
 have been termed pens. 
 
 During the time of Mr. Verdant Green s visit, the 
 service at this ecclesiastical ruin was performed by a 
 clergyman who had apparently been selected for the 
 duty from his harmonious resemblance to the place; 
 for he also was an ecclesiastical ruin a schoolmaster 
 in holy orders, who, having to slave hard all through 
 the working-days of the week, had to work still harder 
 on the day of rest. For, first, the Ruin had to ride 
 his stumbling old pony a distance of twelve miles (and 
 twelve sucJi miles!) to Lasthope, where he stabled it 
 (bringing the feed of corn in his pocket, and leading 
 it to drink at the Swirl) in the dilapidated stable of 
 the tumbled-down rectory-house. Then he had to get 
 through the morning service without any loss of time, 
 to enable him to ride eight miles in another direction 
 (eating his sandwich dinner as he went along), where 
 he had to take the afternoon duty and occasional ser- 
 
374 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 vices at a second church. When this was done, he 
 might find his way home as well as he could, and 
 enjoy with his family as much of the day of rest as he 
 had leisure and strength for. The stipend that the 
 Ruin received for his labours was greatly below the 
 wages given to a butler by the lay rector, who pocketed 
 a very nice income by this respectable transaction. 
 But the Butler was a stately edifice in perfect repair, 
 both outside and in, so far as clothes and food went ; 
 and the Parson was an ill-conditioned Ruin left to 
 moulder away in an obscure situation, without even 
 the ivy of luxuriance to make him graceful and 
 picturesque. 
 
 Mr. Honeywood s family were the only "respect 
 able" persons who occasionally attended the Ruin s 
 ministrations in Lasthope church. The other people 
 who made up the scanty congregation were old Andrew 
 Graham and his children, and a few of the poorer sort 
 of Honeybourn. They all brought their dogs with 
 them as a matter of course. On entering the church 
 the men hung up their bonnets on a row of pegs pro 
 vided for that purpose, and fixed, as an ecclesiastical 
 ornament, along the western wall of the church. They 
 then took their places in their pens, accompanied by 
 their dogs, who usually behaved with remarkable pro 
 priety, and, during the sermon, set their masters an 
 example of watchfulness. On one occasion the pro 
 ceedings were interrupted by a rat hunt ; the dogs gave 
 tongue, and leaped the pews in the excitement of the 
 c hase their masters followed them and laid about 
 them with their sticks and when with difficulty 
 order had been restored, the service was proceeded 
 with. It must be confessed that Mr. Bouncer was so 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 375 
 
 badly disposed as to wish for a repetition of this scene; 
 but (happily) he was disappointed. 
 
 The choir of Lasthope Church was centred in the 
 person of the clerk, who apparently sang tunes of his 
 own composing, in which the congregation joined at 
 their discretion, though usually to different airs. The 
 result was a discordant struggle, through which the 
 clerk bravely maintained his own until he had ex 
 hausted himself, when he shut up his book and sat 
 down, and the congregation had to shut up also. Dur 
 ing the singing the intelligence of the dogs was dis 
 played in their giving a stifled utterance to howls of 
 anguish, which were repeated ad libitum throughout 
 :he hymn; but as this was a customary proceeding it 
 attracted no attention, unless a dog expressed his 
 sufferings more loudly than was wont, when he received 
 a clout from his master s staff that silenced him, and 
 sent him under the pew-seat, as to a species of 
 ecclesiastical St. Helena. 
 
 Such was Lasthope Church, its Ruin, and its ser 
 vice; and, as may be imagined from these notes which 
 the veracious historian has thought fit to chronicle, 
 Mr. Verdant Green found that his Sundays in North 
 umberland produced as much novelty as the week-days. 
 
CHAPTER IV. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN ENDEAVOURS TO SAY SNIP TO 
 SOME ONE S SNAP. 
 
 THERE was a gate in the kitchen-garden of Honey- 
 wood Hall, that led into an orchard; and in this 
 orchard there was a certain apple-tree that had assumed 
 one of those peculiarities of form to which the chil 
 dren of Pomona are addicted. After growing upright 
 for about a foot and a half, it had suddenly shot out at 
 right angles, with a gentle upward slope for a length of 
 between three and four feet, and had then again struck 
 up into the perpendicular. It thus formed a natural 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 377 
 
 orchard seat, capable of holding two persons comfort 
 ablyprovided that they regarded a close proximity 
 as comfortable sitting. 
 
 One day Miss Patty directed Verdant s attention to 
 this vagary of nature. "This is one of my favourite 
 haunts," she said. "I often steal here on a hot day 
 with some work or a book. You see this upper branch 
 makes quite a little table, and I can rest my book 
 upon it. It is so pleasant to be under the shade here, 
 with the fruit or blossoms over one s head; and it is 
 so snug and retired, and out of the way of every one." 
 
 " It is very snug and very retired," said Mr. Ver 
 dant Green; and he thought that now would be the 
 very time to put in execution a project that had for 
 some days past been haunting his brain. 
 
 "When Kitty and I," said Miss Patty, "have any 
 secrets we come here and tell them to each other while 
 we sit at our work. No one can hear what we say; 
 and we are quite snug all to ourselves." 
 
 Very odd, thought Verdant, that they- should fix on 
 this particular spot for confidential communications, 
 and take the trouble to come here to make them, when 
 they could do so in their own rooms at the house. 
 And yet it isn t such a bad spot either. 
 " Try how comfortable a seat it is! " said Miss Patty. 
 Mr. Verdant Green began to feel hot. He sat down, 
 however, and tested the comforts of the seat, much in 
 the same way as he would try the spring of a lounging 
 chair, and apparently with a like result, for he said, 
 " Yes, it is very comfortable very comfortable 
 indeed." 
 
 "I thought you d like it," said Miss Patty; "and 
 you see how nicely the branches droop all round : they 
 
3/8 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 make it quite an arbour. If Kitty had been here with 
 me I think you would have had some trouble to have 
 found us." 
 
 "I think I should; it is quite a place to hide in," 
 said Verdant. But the young lady and gentleman 
 must have been speaking with the spirit of ostriches, 
 and have imagined that, when they had hidden their 
 heads, they had altogether concealed themselves from 
 observation; for the branches of the apple-tree only 
 drooped low enough to conceal the upper part of their 
 figures, and left the rest exposed to view. "Won t 
 you sit down, also? " asked Verdant, with a gasp and a 
 sensation in his head as though he had been drinking 
 champagne too freely. 
 
 " I m afraid there s scarcely room for me," pleaded 
 Miss Patty. 
 
 "Oh yes, there is, indeed! pray sit down." 
 
 So she sat down on the lower part of the trunk. 
 Mr. Verdant Green glanced rapidly round and per 
 ceived that they were quite alone, and partly shrouded 
 from view. The following highly interesting conver 
 sation then took place. 
 
 He. "Won t you change places with me? you ll 
 slip off." 
 
 She. " No I think I can manage." 
 
 He. "But you can come closer." 
 
 She. "Thanks." (She comes closer.} 
 
 He. " Is n t that more comfortable? " 
 
 She. " Yes very much. " 
 
 He. ( Very hot, and not knowing what to say. ) "I 
 I think you 11 slip! " 
 
 She. "Oh no! it s very comfortable indeed." 
 
 (That is to say thinks Mr. Verdant Green that 
 sitting BY ME is very comfortable. Hurrah !) 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN 3/9 
 
 She. " It s very hot, don t you think? " 
 
 He. "How very odd! I was just thinking the 
 
 same." 
 
 She. "I think I shall take my hat off- 
 warm. Dear me! how stupid! the strings are in a 
 
 knot." 
 
 He. " Let me see if I can untie them for you. 
 
 She. "Thanks! no! I can manage." (But she 
 
 cannot. ) 
 
 He. " You d better let me try ! now do ! 
 
 She. "Oh, thanks! but I m sorry you should have 
 
 the trouble." 
 
 He. " No trouble at all. Quite a pleasure." 
 (In a very hot condition of mind and fingers, Mr. 
 Verdant Green then endeavoured to release the strings 
 from their entanglement. But all in vain : he tugged, 
 and pulled, and only made matters worse. Once or 
 twice in the struggle his hands touched Miss Patty s 
 chin; and no highly-charged electrical machine could 
 have imparted a shock greater than that tingling sensa 
 tion of pleasure which Mr. Verdant Green experienced 
 when his fingers, for the fraction of a second, touched 
 Miss Patty s soft dimpled chin. Then there was her 
 beautiful neck, so white, and with such blue veins! he 
 had an irresistible desire to stroke it for its very 
 smoothness as one loves to feel the polish of mar 
 ble, or the glaze of wedding-cards instead of employ 
 ing his hands in fumbling at the brown ribands, whose 
 knots became more complicated than ever. Then 
 there was her happy rosy face, so close to which his 
 own was brought ; and her bright, laughing, hazel 
 eyes, in which, as he timidly looked up, he saw little 
 daguerreotypes of himself. Would that he could 
 
380 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 retain such a photographer by his side through life! 
 Miss Bouncer s camera was as nothing compared with 
 the camera hicida of those clear eyes, that shone upon 
 him so truthfully, and mirrored for him such pretty 
 pictures. And what with these eyes, and the face, 
 and the chin, and the neck, Mr. Verdant Green was 
 brought into such an irretrievable state of mental 
 excitement that he was perfectly unable to render 
 Miss Patty the service he had proffered. But, more 
 than that, he as yet lacked sufficient courage to carry 
 out his darling project. 
 
 At length Miss Patty herself untied the rebellious 
 knot, and took off her hat. The highly interesting 
 conversation was then resumed.) 
 
 She. " What a frightful state my hair is in ! " (Loops 
 lip an escaped lock.} " You must think me so untidy. 
 But out in the country, and in a place like this where 
 no one sees us, it makes one careless of appearance." 
 
 He. "I like a sweet neglect, especially in in 
 some people; it suits them so well. I pon my 
 word, it s very hot ! " 
 
 She. " But how much hotter it must be from under the 
 shade. It is so pleasant here. It seems so dreamlike 
 to sit among the shadows and look out upon the bright 
 landscape." 
 
 He. "It is very jolly soothing, at least!" (A 
 pause.} "I think you 11 slip. Do you know, I think 
 it will be safer if you will let me" (here his courage 
 fails him. He endeavours to say put my arm round 
 your waist, but his tongue refuses to speak the words ; so 
 he substitutes} "change places with you." 
 
 She. (Rises, with a look of amused vexation.} "Cer 
 tainly! if you so particularly wish it." (They change 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 381 
 
 places. ) " Now, you see, you have lost by the change. 
 You are too tall for that end of the seat, and it did 
 very nicely for a little body like me." 
 
 He. ( With a thrill of delight and a sudden burst of 
 strategy.} "I can hold on to this branch, if my arm 
 will not inconvenience you." 
 
 She. " Oh no! not particularly : " (he passes his right 
 arm behind her, and takes hold of a bough} : " but I 
 should think it s not very comfortable for you." 
 
 He. "I couldn t be more comfortable, I m sure." 
 (Nearly slips off the tree, and doubles up his legs into an 
 unpicturesque attitude highly suggestive of misery. A 
 pause.} "And do you tell your secrets here?" 
 
 She. " My secrets ? Oh, I see you mean, with 
 Kitty. Oh, yes! if this tree could talk, it would be 
 able to tell such dreadful stories." 
 
 He. " I wonder if it could tell any dreadful stories 
 of me? " 
 
 She. " Of you ! Oh, no ! Why should it ? We are 
 only severe on those we dislike." 
 
 He. "Then you don t dislike me? " 
 
 She. " No ! why should we ? " 
 
 He. "Well I don t know but I thought you 
 might. Well, I m glad of that I m very glad of 
 that. Ton my word, it s very hot! don t you think 
 so?" 
 
 She. "Yes! I m burning. But I don t think we 
 should find a cooler place." (Does not evince any 
 symptoms of moving.} 
 
 He. "Well, p raps we should n t." (A pause.} "Do 
 you know that I m very glad you don t dislike me; 
 because, it would n t have been pleasant to be disliked 
 by you, would it ? " 
 
382 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 She. "Well of course, I can t tell. It depends 
 upon one s own feelings." 
 
 He. "Then you don t dislike me? " 
 
 She. " Oh dear, no ! why should I ? " 
 
 He. "And if you don t dislike me, you must like 
 me? " 
 
 She. " Yes at least yes, I suppose so. " 
 
 At this stage of the proceedings, the arm that Mr. 
 Verdant Green had passed behind Miss Patty thrilled 
 with such a peculiar sensation that his hand slipped 
 down the bough, and the arm consequently came 
 against Miss Patty s waist, where it rested. The 
 necessity for saying something, the wish to make that 
 something the something that was bursting his heart 
 and brain, and the dread of letting it escape his lips 
 these three varied and mingled sensations so dis 
 tracted poor Mr. Verdant Green s mind, that he was 
 no more conscious of what he was giving utterance to 
 than if he had been talking in a dream. But there 
 was Miss Patty by his side a very tangible and 
 delightful reality playing (somewhat nervously) with 
 those rebellious strings of her hat, which loosely hung 
 in her hand, while the dappled shadows flickered on 
 the waving masses of her rich brown hair, so some 
 thing must be said ; and, if it should lead to the 
 something, why, so much the better. 
 
 Returning, therefore, to the subject of like and dis 
 like, Mr. Verdant Green managed to say, in a choking, 
 faltering tone, " I wonder how much you like me 
 very much ? " 
 
 She. "Oh, I couldn t tell how should I? What 
 strange questions you ask! You saved my life; so, 
 of course, I am very, very grateful ; and I hope I shall 
 always be your friend." 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 383 
 
 He. "Yes, I hope so indeed always and some- 
 thing more. Do you hope the same? " 
 
 She. "What do you mean? Hadn t we better go 
 back to the house?" 
 
 He. "Not just yet it s so cool here at least, 
 not cool exactly, but hot pleasanter, that is much 
 pleasanter here. You said so, you know, a little 
 while since. Don t mind me; I always feel hot when 
 when I m out of doors." 
 
 She. "Then we d better go indoors." 
 
 He. " Pray don t not yet do stop a little longer. " 
 
 And the hand that had been on the bough of the 
 tree, timidly seized Miss Patty s arm, and then natur 
 ally, but very gently, fell upon her waist. A thrill 
 shot through Mr. Verdant Green, like an electric 
 flash, and, after traversing from his head to his heels, 
 probably passed out safely at his boots for it did 
 him no harm, but, on the contrary, made him feel all 
 the better. 
 
 "But," said the young lady, as she felt the hand 
 upon her waist not that she was really displeased at 
 the proceeding, but perhaps she thought it best, under 
 the circumstances, to say something that should have 
 the resemblance of a veto "but it is not necessary 
 to hold me a prisoner." 
 
 " It syou that hold me a prisoner ! " said Mr. Verdant 
 Green, with a sudden burst of enthusiasm and blushes, 
 and a great stress upon the pronouns. 
 
 " Now you are talking nonsense, and, if so, I must 
 go!" said Miss Patty. And she also blushed; per 
 haps it was from the heat. But she removed Mr. 
 Verdant Green s hand from her waist, and he was 
 much too frightened to replace it. 
 25 
 
384 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 " Oh ! do stay a little ! " gasped the young gentle 
 man, with an awkward sensation of want of employment 
 for his hands. " You said that secrets were told here. 
 I don t want to talk nonsense; I don t indeed; but 
 the truth. / ve a secret to tell you. Should you like 
 to hear it ? " 
 
 "Oh yes!" laughed Miss Patty. "I like to hear 
 secrets. " 
 
 Now, how very absurd it was in Mr. Verdant Green 
 wasting time in beating about the bush in this ridicu 
 lously timid way! Why could he not at once boldly 
 secure his bird by a straightforward shot ? She did not 
 fly out of his range did she? And yet, here he was 
 making himself unnecessarily hot and uncomfortable, 
 when he might, by taking it coolly, have been at his 
 ease in a moment. What a foolish young man! Nay, 
 he still further lost time and evaded his purpose, by 
 saying once again to Miss Patty instead of immedi 
 ately replying to her observation " Ton my word, 
 it s uncommonly hot ! don t you think so ? " 
 
 Upon which Miss Patty replied, with some little 
 chagrin, " And was that your secret ? " If she had 
 lived in the Elizabethan era, she could have adjured 
 him with a "Marry, come up!" which would have 
 brought him to the point without any further trouble; 
 but living in a Victorian age, she could do no more 
 than say what she did, and leave the rest of her mean 
 ing to the language of the eyes. 
 
 " Don t laugh at me!" urged the bashful and weak- 
 minded young man; "don t laugh at me! If you only 
 knew what I feel when you laugh at me, you d " 
 
 "Cry, I dare say!" said Miss Patty, cutting him 
 short with a merry smile, and (it must be confessed) a 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 385 
 
 most wickedly-roguish expression about those bright 
 flashing hazel eyes of hers. "Now, you haven t told 
 me this wonderful secret ! " 
 
 "Why," said Mr. Verdant Green, slowly and delib 
 erately feeling that his time was coming on, and 
 cowardly anxious still to fight off the fatal words 
 "you said that you didn t dislike me; and, in fact, 
 that you liked me very much; and" 
 
 But here Miss Patty cut him short again. She 
 turned sharply round upon him, with those bright eyes 
 and that merry face, and said, " Oh ! how can you say 
 so? I never said any thing of the sort!" 
 
 "Well," said Mr. Verdant Green, who was now 
 desperate, and mentally prepared to take the dreaded 
 plunge into that throbbing sea that beats upon the 
 strand of matrimony, " whether j^w like me very much 
 or not, / like you very much! very much indeed! 
 Ever since I saw you, since last Christmas, I ve 
 I ve liked you very much indeed." 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green, in a very hot and excited state, 
 had, while he was speaking, timidly brought his hand 
 once more to Miss Patty s waist; and she did not 
 interfere with its position. In fact, she was bending 
 down her head, and was gazing intently on another 
 knot that she had wilfully made in her hat-strings; 
 and she was working so violently at that occupation 
 of untying the knot, that very probably she might not 
 have been aware of the situation of Mr. Verdant 
 Green s hand. At any rate, her own hands were too 
 much busied to suffer her to interfere with his. 
 
 At last the climax had arrived. Mr. Verdant Green 
 had screwed his courage to the sticking point, and had 
 resolved to tell the secret of his love. He had got to 
 
386 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 the very edge of the precipice, and was on the point of 
 jumping over head and ears into the stream of his 
 destiny, and of bursting into any excited form of words 
 that should make known his affection and his designs, 
 when when a vile perfume of tobacco, a sudden 
 
 barking rush of Huz and Buz, and the horrid voice of" 
 little Mr. Bouncer, dispelled the bright vision, dis 
 persed his ideas, and prevented the fulfilment of his 
 purpose. 
 
 "Holloa, Gig-lamps!" roared the little gentleman, 
 as he removed a short pipe from his mouth, and 
 expelled an ascending curl of smoke; "I ve been 
 looking for you everywhere ! Here we are, as Ham- 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 387 
 
 let s uncle said, all in the horchard! I hope he s 
 not been pouring poison in your ear, Miss Honeywood; 
 he looks rather guilty. The Mum I mean your 
 mother sent me to find you. The luncheon s been 
 on the table more than an hour!" 
 
 Luckily for Mr. Verdant Green and Miss Patty 
 Honeywood, little Mr. Bouncer rattled on without 
 waiting for any reply to his observations, and thus 
 enabled the young lady to somewhat recover her pres 
 ence of mind, and to effect a hasty retreat from under 
 the apple tree, and through the garden gate. 
 
 "I say, old feller," said Mr. Bouncer, as he criti 
 cised Mr. Verdant Green s countenance over the bowl 
 of his pipe, "you look rather in a stew! What s up? 
 
 My gum!" cried the little gentleman, as an idea of 
 the truth suddenly flashed upon him; "you don t mean 
 
 to say you ve been doing the spooney what you call 
 
 making love have you?" 
 
 " Oh ! " groaned the person addressed, as he followed 
 
 out the train of his own ideas ; " if you had but have 
 
 come five minutes later or not at all ! It s most 
 
 provoking ! " 
 
 " Well ! you re a grateful bird, I don t think ! " said 
 
 Mr. Bouncer. " Cut after her into luncheon, and have 
 
 it out over the cold mutton and pickles ! " 
 
 " Oh no ! " responded the luckless lover ; " I can t eat 
 
 especially before the others! I mean I couldn t 
 
 talk to her before the others. Oh ! I don t know what 
 
 I m saying." 
 
 " Well, I don t think you do, old feller ! " said Mr. 
 
 Bouncer, puffing away at his pipe. " I m sorry I was 
 
 in the road, though ! because, though I fight shy of 
 
 those sort of things myself, yet I don t want to inter- 
 
388 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 fere with the little weaknesses of other folks. But come 
 and have a pipe, old feller, and we 11 talk matters over, 
 and see what pips are on the cards, and what s the state 
 of the game." 
 
 Now, a pipe was Mr. Bouncer s panacea for every 
 kind of indisposition, both mental and bodily. 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 389 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN MEETS WITH THE GREEN-EYED 
 MONSTER. 
 
 ENTION had fre- 
 
 quently been made 
 by the members of 
 the Honeywood fam 
 ily, but more espe 
 cially by Miss Patty, 
 of a cousin a male 
 cousin to whom 
 
 the y a11 seemed to be 
 
 exceedingly partial 
 
 far more partial, as Mr. Verdant Green thought, with 
 
 regard to Miss Patty, than he would have wished her to 
 have been. This cousin was Mr. Frank Delaval, a 
 son of their father s sister. According to their descrip 
 tion, he possessed good looks, and an equivalently good 
 fortune, with all sorts of accomplishments, both useful 
 and ornamental ; and was, in short (in their eyes 
 at least), a very admirable Crichton of the nineteenth 
 century. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green had heard from Miss Patty so 
 much of her cousin Frank, and of the pleasure they 
 were anticipating from a visit he had promised shortly 
 
390 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 to make to them, that he had at length begun to sus 
 pect that the young lady s maiden meditations were not 
 altogether " fancy free," and that her thoughts dwelt 
 upon this handsome cousin far more than was palatable 
 to Mr. Verdant Green s feelings. In the most unreason 
 able manner, therefore, he conceived a violent antipathy 
 to Mr. Frank Delaval, even before he had set eyes upon 
 him, and considered that the Honeywood family had, 
 one and all, greatly overrated him. But these supposi 
 tions and suspicions made him doubly anxious to come 
 to an understanding with Miss Patty before the arrival 
 of the dreaded Adonis ; and it was this thought that 
 had helped to nerve him through the terrors of the 
 orchard scene, and which, but for Mr. Bouncer s mal 
 apropos intrusion, would have brought things to a 
 crisis. 
 
 However, after he had had a talk with Mr. Bouncer, 
 and had been fortified by that little gentleman s pithy 
 admonitions to " go in and win," and to " strike while 
 the iron s hot," and that " faint heart never won a nice 
 young ooman," he determined to seek out Miss Patty 
 at once, and bring to an end their unfinished conversa 
 tion. For this purpose he returned to the hall, where 
 he found a great commotion, and a carriage at the door; 
 and out of the carriage jumped a handsome young man, 
 with a black moustache, who ran up to the open hall- 
 door (where Miss Patty was standing with her sister), 
 seized Miss Kitty by the hand, and placed his mous 
 tache under her nose, and then seized Miss Patty by 
 her hand, and removed the moustache to beneath tier 
 nose ! And all this unblushingly and as a matter of 
 course, out in the sunshine, and before the servants! 
 Mr. Verdant Green retreated without having been seen, 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 391 
 
 and, plunging into the shrubbery, told his woes to the 
 evergreens, and while he listened to 
 
 " The dry-tongued laurel s pattering talk," 
 
 he thought, " It is as I feared ! I am nothing more to 
 her than a simple friend." Though, why he so morosely 
 arrived at this idea it would be hard to say. Perhaps 
 other jealous lovers have been similarly unreason- 
 able and unreasoning in their conclusions, and, of their 
 own accord, run to the dark side of the cloud, when 
 they might have pleasantly remained within its silver 
 
 lining. 
 
 But when Frank Delaval had been seen, and heard, 
 and made acquaintance with, Verdant, who was much 
 too simple-hearted to dislike any one without just 
 grounds for so doing, entered (even after half an hour s 
 knowledge) into the band of his admirers; and that 
 same evening, in the drawing-room, while Miss Kitty 
 was playing one of Schulhoffs mazurkas, with her 
 moustached cousin standing by her side, and turning 
 over the music-leaves, Verdant privately declared, over 
 a chess-board, to Miss Patty, that Mr. Frank Delaval 
 was the handsomest and most delightful man he had 
 ever met. And when Miss Patty s eyes sparkled at this 
 proof of his truth and disinterestedness, Verdant mis 
 took the bright signals; and further misconstruing the 
 cause why (as they continued to speak of her cousin) 
 she made a most egregious blunder, that caused her 
 opponent to pronounce the word " Mated ! " he regarded 
 it as a fatal omen, more especially as Mr. Frank came to 
 her side at that very moment; and when the young 
 lady laughed, and said, " What a goose I am ! whatever 
 could I have been thinking of?" he thought within him- 
 
392 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 self (persisting in his illogical and perverse conclusions), 
 "It is very plain what she is thinking about! I was 
 afraid that she loved him, and now I know it." So he 
 put up the chess-men, while she went to the piano with 
 her cousin ; and he even wished that Mr. Bouncer had 
 interrupted their apple-tree conversation at its com 
 
 mencement; but was thankful to him for coming in 
 time to save him from the pain of being rejected in 
 favour of another. Then, in five minutes, he changed 
 his mind, and had decided that it would have spared 
 him much misery if he could have heard his fate from 
 his Patty s own lips. Then he wished that he had 
 never come to Northumberland at all, and began to 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 39 3 
 
 think how he should spend his time in the purgatory 
 that Honeywood Hall would now be to him. 
 When they separated for the night, HE again placed 
 his mis ach e beneath HER nose. Mr. Verdant Green 
 turned away his head at such a sickly exhibition It was 
 a presumption upon cousinship. Charles Larkyns did 
 not kiss her; and he was equally as much her cousm as 
 
 F ^ D y e et, V when the young men went into the back 
 kitchen fo a pipe and a chat before going to bed, 
 Verdant was so" delighted with that handsome : cousin 
 Frank, that he thought, " If I was a girl, I should thmk 
 
 SIS An d d why should she not love him?" meditated the 
 poor fellow, when he was lying awake in h.s bed _tha 
 self-same night, rendered sleepless by the pam of h* 
 new wound ; " why should she not love him? how could 
 she do otherwise? thrown together as they have been 
 from children - speaking to each other as Patty and 
 !p red -_ kissing each other - and being as brother and 
 sister Would that they were so ! How he kept near 
 her ail the evening - coming to her even when she was 
 playing chess with me, then singing with her, and play- 
 f, /he? accompaniments. She said that no one could 
 play her accompaniments like he could - he had such 
 good taste, and such a firm, delicate touch Then when 
 they talked about sketching, she sa,d how she had 
 
 mfesed him, and that she had been reserving the view 
 
 from Brankham Law, in order that they might sketch 
 together. Then he showed her h s last drawings - 
 
 and they were beautiful. What can I do against this? 
 
 "Led poor Verdant, from under the bed-clothes; 
 
 "he has accomplishments, and I have none ; he has 
 
394 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 good looks, and I haven t; he has a moustache and a 
 
 parr of whiskers, - and I have only a pair of spectacles ! 
 
 cannot shine m society, and win admiration, like he 
 
 have nothing to offer her but my love. Lucky 
 
 ;llow! he is worthier of her than I am and I hone 
 
 they will be very happy." At which thought, Ver- 
 
 ant felt highly the reverse, and went off into dismal 
 
 dreams. 
 
 In the morning, when Miss Patty and her cousin were 
 setting out for the hill called Brankham Law, Verdant 
 who had retreated to a garden-seat beneath a fine old 
 cedar, was roused from a very abstracted perusal of 
 The Dream of Fair Women," by the apparition of one 
 who, in his eyes, was fairer than them all. 
 
 " I have been searching for you everywhere," said Miss 
 Mamma said that you were not riding with the 
 knew that you must be somewhere about 
 I shall lock up my Tennyson/ if it takes you so 
 much out of our society. Won t you come up Brank 
 ham Law with Frank and me?" 
 
 "Willingly if you wish it," answered Verdant, though 
 with an unwilling air; "but of what use can I be? 
 thello s occupation is gone. Your cousin can fill my 
 place much better than if I were there." 
 
 " How very ungrateful you are! "said Miss Patty "you 
 really deserve a good scolding ! I allow you to watch 
 me when I am painting, in order that you may gain a 
 lesson, and just when you are beginning to learn some- 
 
 img, then you give up. But, at any rate, take Fred for 
 your master, and come and watch him ; he can draw 
 
 f you were to go to any of the great men to have a 
 lesson of them, all that they would do would be to paint 
 before you, and leave you to look on and pick up what 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 395 
 
 knowledge you could. I know that / cannot draw any 
 thing worth looking at, - 
 
 "Indeed, but " - 
 
 " But Fred," continued Miss Patty, who was going at 
 
 too great a pace to be stopped, " but Fred is as good 
 
 .as many masters that you would meet with; so it 
 
 will be an advantage to you to come and look over 
 
 him." 
 
 " I think I should prefer to look over you." 
 
 " Now you are paying compliments, and I don t like 
 them. But, if you will come, you will really be useful. 
 You see I am mercenary in my wishes, after all. Here 
 is Fred with a load of sketching materials ; won t you 
 take pity on him, and relieve him of my share of his 
 burden?" 
 
 If I could take you off his hands, thought Verdant, I 
 should be better pleased. But Miss Patty won the day ; 
 and Verdant took possession of her sketching-block 
 and drawing materials, and set off with them to 
 Brankham Law. 
 
 Frederick Delaval was a yachtsman, and owner of the 
 " Fleur-de-lys," a cutter yacht, of fifty tons. Besides being 
 inclined to amateur nautical pursuits, he was also partial 
 to an amateur nautical costume ; and he further dressed 
 the character of a yachtsman by slinging round him his 
 telescope, which was protected from storms and salt 
 water by a leathern case. This telescope was, in a 
 moment, uncased and brought to bear upon every 
 body and every thing, at every opportunity, in proper 
 nautical fashion, being used by him for distant objects 
 as other people would use an eyeglass for nearer things. 
 And no sooner had they arrived at the grassy plateau 
 that marked the summit of Brankham Law, than the 
 
396 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 telescope was unslung, and its proprietor swept the 
 horizon for there was a distant view of the ocean 
 in search of the " Fleur-de-lys." 
 
 " I am afraid," he said, " that we shall not be able to 
 make her out ; the distance is almost too great to dis 
 tinguish her from other vessels, although the whiteness 
 of her sails would assist us to a recognition. If the 
 skipper got under way at the hour I told him, he ought 
 about this time to be rounding the headland that you 
 see stretching out yonder." 
 
 " I think I see a white sail in that direction," said 
 Miss Patty, as she shaded her eyes with her hand, and 
 looked out earnestly in the required quarter. 
 
 "My dear Patty," laughed her cousin, " if you knew 
 any thing of nautical matters, you would see that it was 
 not a cutter yacht, for she has more than one mast ; 
 though, certainly, as you saw her, she seemed to have 
 but one, for she was just coming about, and was in 
 stays." 
 
 " In stays!" exclaimed Miss Patty; "why what 
 singular expressions you sailors have ! " 
 
 " Oh yes ! " said Frederick Delaval, " and some vessels 
 have waists like young ladies. But now I think I see 
 the Fleur-de-lys ! that gaff tops l yard was never carried 
 by a coasting vessel. To be sure it is ! the skipper 
 knows how to handle her; and, if the breeze holds, she 
 will soon reach her port. Come and have a look at 
 her, Patty, while I rest the glass for you." So he 
 balanced it on his shoulder, while Miss Patty looked 
 through it with her one eye, and placed her fingers 
 upon the other after the manner of young ladies when 
 they look through a telescope ; and then burst into 
 such animated, but not thoughtful observations, as" Oh ! 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 397 
 
 I can see it quite plainly. Oh ! it is rolling about so ! 
 Oh ! there are two little men in it ! Oh ! one of them s 
 pulling a rope ! Oh ! it all seems to be brought so 
 near ! " as if there had been some doubt on the matter, 
 
 and she had expected the telescope to make things 
 invisible. Miss Patty was quite in childish delight at 
 watching the " Fleur-de-lys " movements, and seemed 
 to forget all about the proposed sketch, although 
 Mr. Verdant Green had found her a comfortable rock 
 
398 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 seat, and had placed her drawing materials ready for 
 use. 
 
 " How happy and confiding they are ! " he thought, 
 as he gazed upon them thus standing together ; " they 
 seem to be made for each other. He is far more fitted 
 for her than I am. I wonder if I shall ever, see them 
 after they are married. / shall never be married." 
 And, after this morbid fashion, the young gentleman 
 took a melancholy pleasure in arranging his future. 
 
 It was about this time that the divine afflatus which 
 had lain almost dormant since his boyish " Address to 
 the Moon" was again manifested in him by the pro 
 duction of numberless poetical effusions, in which his 
 own poignant anguish and Miss Patty s incomparable 
 attractions were brought forward in verses of various 
 degrees of mediocrity. They were also equally varied 
 in their style and treatment; one being written in a 
 fierce and gloomy Byronic strain, while another followed 
 the lighter childish style of Wordsworth. To this latter 
 class, perhaps, belonged the following lines, which, 
 having accidentally fallen into the hands of Mr. Bouncer, 
 were pronounced by him to be " no end good ! first-rate 
 fun ! " for the little gentleman put a highly erroneous 
 construction upon them, and, to the great laceration of 
 the author s feelings, imagined them to be altogether of 
 a comic tendency. But, when Mr. Verdant Green wrote 
 them, he probably thought that " deep meaning lieth 
 oft in childish play : " 
 
 " Pretty Patty Honeywood, 
 
 Fresh, and fair, and plump, 
 Into your affections 
 I should like to jump ! 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 399 
 
 Into your good graces 
 
 I should like to steal ; 
 That you lov d me truly 
 
 I should like to feel. 
 
 u Pretty Patty Honeywood, 
 
 You can little know, 
 How my sea of passion 
 
 Unto you doth flow ; 
 How it ever hastens, 
 
 With a swelling tide, 
 To its strand of happiness 
 
 At thy darling side. 
 
 " Pretty Patty Honeywood, 
 
 Would that you and I 
 Could ask the surpliced parson 
 
 Our wedding knot to tie ! 
 Oh ! my life of sunshine 
 
 Then would be begun, 
 Pretty Patty Honeywood, 
 
 When you and I were one." 
 
 But by far his greatest poetical achievement was his 
 " Legend of the Fair Margaret," written in Spenserian 
 metre, and commenced at this period of his career, 
 though never completed. The plot was of the most 
 dismal and intricate kind. The Fair Margaret was 
 beloved by two young men, one of whom (Sir Frederico) 
 was dark, and (necessarily, therefore) as badly disposed 
 a young man as you would desire to keep out of your 
 family circle, and the other (Sir Verdour) was light, 
 and (consequently) as mild and amiable as any given 
 number of maiden aunts could wish. As a matter of 
 course, therefore, the Fair Margaret perversely pre 
 ferred the dark Sir Frederico, who had poisoned her 
 26 
 
400 THE ADVENTURES OE MR VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 ears, and told her the most abominable falsehoods about 
 the good and innocent Sir Verdour; when just as Sir 
 Frederico was about to forcibly carry away the Fair 
 Margaret 
 
 Why, just then, circumstances over which Mr. Ver 
 dant Green had no control, prevented the dtnouement % 
 and the completion of " the Legend." 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 4Oi 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN JOINS A NORTHUMBERLAND 
 PIC-NIC. 
 
 weeks had passed away 
 very pleasantly to all 
 pleasantly even to Mr. Ver 
 dant Green ; for, although 
 he had not renewed his ap 
 ple-tree conversation with 
 Miss Patty, and was making 
 progress with his " Legend 
 of the Fair Margaret," yet 
 it may possibly have been 
 that the exertion to make 
 " dove " rhyme with " love," 
 and " gloom " with " doom," 
 occupied his mind to the 
 
 exclusion of needless sorrow he contrived to make 
 himself mournfully amiable, even if not tolerably happy, 
 in the society of the fair enchantress. 
 
 The Honeywood party were indeed a model house 
 hold ; and rode, -and drove, and walked, and fished, and 
 sketched, as a large family of brothers and sisters might 
 do perhaps with a little more piquancy than is gener 
 ally found in the home-made dish. 
 
402 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 They had had more than one little friendly pic-nic 
 and excursion, and had seen Warkworth, and grown 
 excessively sentimental in its hermitage ; they had lion 
 ised Alnwick, and gone over its noble castle, and sat in 
 Hotspur s chair, and fallen into raptures at the Duchess s 
 bijou of a dairy, and viewed the pillared passant lion, 
 with his tail blowing straight out (owing, probably, to 
 the breezy nature of his position), and seen the Duke s 
 herd of buffaloes tearing along their park with stream 
 ing manes ; and they had gone back to Honeywood 
 Hall, and received Honeywood guests, and been enter 
 tained by them in return. 
 
 But the squire was now about to give a pic-nic on a 
 large scale ; and as it was important, not only in its 
 dimensions and preparations, but also in bringing about 
 an occurrence that in no small degree affected Mr. Ver 
 dant Green s future life, it becomes his historian s duty 
 to chronicle the event with the fulness that it merits. 
 The pic-nic, moreover, deserves mention because it pos 
 sessed an individuality of character, and was unlike the 
 ordinary solemnities attending the pic-nics of every 
 day life. 
 
 In the first place, the party had to reach the appointed 
 spot which was Chillingham in an unusual manner. 
 At least half of the road that had to be traversed was 
 impassable for carriages. Bridgeless brooks had to be 
 crossed ; and what were called " roads " were little bet 
 ter than the beds of mountain torrents, and in wet 
 weather might have been taken for such. Deep chan 
 nels were worn in them by the rush of impetuous 
 streams, and no known carriage-springs could have 
 lived out such ruts. Carriages, therefore, in this part of 
 the country, were out of the question. The squire did 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 403 
 
 what was usual on such occasions : he appointed, as a 
 rendezvous, a certain little inn at the extremity of the 
 carriageable part of the road, and there all the party 
 met, and left their chariots and horses. They then - 
 after a little preparatory pic-nic, for many of them had 
 come from long distances took possession of certain 
 wagons that were in waiting for them. 
 
 These wagons, though apparently of light build, were 
 constructed for the country, and were capable of sus 
 taining the severe test of the rough roads. Within 
 them were lashed hay-sacks, which, when covered with 
 railway rugs, formed sufficiently comfortable seats, on 
 which the divisions of the party sat vis-a-vis, like omni 
 bus travellers. Frederick Delaval and a few others, on 
 horses and ponies, as outriders, accompanied the wagon 
 procession, which was by no means deficient in mate 
 rials for the picturesque. The teams of horses were 
 turned out to their best advantage, and decorated with 
 flowers. The fore horse of each team bore his collar of 
 little brass bells, which clashed out a wild music as they 
 moved along. The ruddy-faced wagoners were in their 
 shirt-sleeves, which were tied round with ribbons ; they 
 had gay ribbons also on their hats and whips, and did 
 not lack bouquets and flowers for the further adornment 
 of their persons. Altogether they were most theatrical- 
 looking fellows, and appeared perfectly prepared to take 
 their places in the " Sonnambula," or any other opera 
 in which decorated rustics have to appear and unani 
 mously shout their joy and grief at the nightly rate of 
 two shillings per head. The light summer dresses of 
 the ladies helped to make an agreeable variety of colour, 
 as the wagons moved slowly along the dark heathery 
 hills, now by the side of a brawling brook, and now by 
 a rugged road. 
 
404 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 The joltings of these same roads were, as little Mr 
 Bouncer feelingly remarked, facts that must be felt to 
 be believed. For, when the wheel of any vehicle is 
 suddenly plunged into a rut or hole of a foot s depth 
 and from thence violently extracted with a jerk, plunge 
 and wrench, to be again dropped into another hole or 
 rut, and withdrawn from thence in a like manner, and 
 
 when this process is being simultaneously repeated, with 
 discordant variations, by other three wheels attached to 
 the self-same vehicle, it will follow, as a matter of 
 course, that the result of this experiment will be the 
 violent agitation and commingling of the movable con 
 tents of the said vehicle ; and, when these contents 
 chance to take the semblance of humanity, it mav 
 readily be imagined what must have been the scene pre 
 sented to the view as the pic-nic wagons, with their 
 human freight, laboured through the mountain roads 
 that led towards Chillingham. But all this only gave a 
 zest to the day s enjoyment; and, if Miss Patty Honey. 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 405 
 
 wood was unable to maintain her seat without assistance 
 from her neighbour, Mr. Verdant Green, it is not at all 
 improbable but that she approved of his kind attention, 
 and that the other young ladies who were simi 
 larly situated accepted similar attentions with similar 
 gratitude. 
 
 In this way they literally jogged along to Chillingham, 
 where they alighted from their novel carriages and four, 
 and then leisurely made their way to the castle. When 
 they had sufficiently lionised it, and had strolled through 
 the gardens, they went to have a look at the famous 
 wild cattle. Our Warwickshire friends had frequently 
 had a distant view of them ; for the cattle kept together 
 in a herd, and as their park was on the slope of a dark 
 hill, they were visible from afar off as a moving white 
 patch on the landscape. On the present occasion they 
 found that the cattle, which numbered their full herd of 
 about a hundred strong, were quietly grazing on the 
 border of their pine wood, where a few of their fellow- 
 tenants, the original red-deer, were lifting their enormous 
 antlers. From their position the pic-nic party were 
 unable to obtain a very near view of them ; but the 
 curiosity of the young ladies was strongly excited, and 
 would not be allayed without a closer acquaintance with 
 these formidable but beautiful creatures. And it there 
 fore happened that, when the courageous Miss Bouncer 
 proposed that they should make an incursion into the 
 very territory of the Wild Cattle, her proposition was 
 not only seconded, but was carried almost unanimously. 
 It was in vain that Mr. Honeywood, and the seniors and 
 chaperones of the party, reminded the younger people 
 of the grisly head they had just seen hanging up in the 
 lodge, and those straight sharp horns that had gored to 
 
406 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERISANT GREEN. 
 
 death the brave keeper who had risked his own life to 
 save his master s friend ; it was in vain that Charles Lar- 
 kyns, fearful for his Mary s sake, quoted the " Bride of 
 Lammermoor," and urged the improbability of another 
 Master of Ravenswood starting out of the bushes to the 
 rescue of a second Lucy Ashton ; it was in vain that 
 anecdotes were told of the fury of these cattle, how 
 they would single out some aged or wounded companion, 
 and drive him out of the herd until he miserably died, 
 and how they would hide themselves for days within 
 their dark pine-wood, where no one dare attack 
 them ; it was in vain that Mr. Verdant Green reminded 
 Miss Patty Honeywood of her narrow escape from Mr. 
 Roarer, and warned her that her then danger was now 
 increased a hundredfold ; all in vain, for Miss Patty 
 assured him that the cattle were as peaceable as they 
 were beautiful, and that they only attacked people in self- 
 defence when provoked or molested. So, as the young 
 ladies were positively bent upon having a nearer view of 
 the milk-white herd, the greater number of the gentle 
 men were obliged to accompany them. 
 
 It was no easy matter to get into the Wild Cattle s 
 enclosure, as the boundary fence was of unusual height, 
 and the difficulty of its being scaled by ladies was pro 
 portionately increased. Nevertheless, the fence and the 
 difficulty were alike surmounted, and the party were 
 safely landed within the park. They had promised to 
 obey Mr. Honeywood s advice, and to abstain from 
 that mill-stream murmur of conversation in which a 
 party of young ladies usually indulge, and to walk 
 quietly among the trees, across an angle of the park, 
 at some two or three hundred yards distance from the 
 herd, so as not to unnecessarily attract their attention ; 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 407 
 
 and then to scale the fence at a point higher up the hill. 
 Following this advice, they walked quietly across the 
 mossy grass, keeping behind trees, and escaping the 
 notice of the Cattle. They had reached midway in 
 their proposed path, and, with silent admiration, were 
 watching the movements of the herd as they placidly 
 grazed at a short distance from them, when Miss 
 Bouncer, who was addicted to uncontrollable fits of 
 laughter at improper seasons, was so tickled at some 
 sotto voce remark of Frederick Delaval s, that she burst 
 into a hearty ringing laugh, which, ere she could smother 
 its noise with her handkerchief, had startled the watch 
 ful ears of the monarch of the herd. 
 
 The Bull raised his magnificent head, and looked 
 round in the direction from whence the disturbance 
 had proceeded. As he perceived it, he sniffed the air, 
 made a rapid movement with his pink-edged ears, and 
 gave an ominous bellow. This signal awoke the atten 
 tion of the other bulls, their wives, and children, who 
 simultaneously left off grazing and commenced gazing. 
 The bovine monarch gave another bellow, stamped upon 
 the ground, lashed his tail, advanced about twenty 
 yards in a threatening manner, and then paused, and 
 gazed fixedly upon the pic-nic party and Miss Bouncer, 
 who too late regretted her malapropos laugh. 
 
 "For heaven s sake!" whispered Mr. Honeywood, 
 "do not speak; but get to the fence as quietly and 
 quickly as you can." 
 
 The young ladies obeyed, and forbore either to 
 scream or faint for the present. The Bull gave 
 another stamp and bellow, and made a second advance. 
 This time he came about fifty yards before he paused, 
 and he was followed at a short distance, and at a walk- 
 
408 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 ing pace, by the rest of the herd. The ladies retreated 
 quietly, the gentlemen came after them, but the park- 
 fence appeared to be at a terribly long distance, and it 
 was evident that if the herd made a sudden rush upon 
 them, nothing could save them unless they could 
 climb the trees ; but this did not seem very practicable. 
 Mr. Verdant Green, however, caught at the probability 
 of such need, and anxiously looked round for the most 
 likely tree for his purpose. 
 
 The Bull had made another advance, and was gaining 
 upon them. It seemed curious that he should stand 
 forth as the champion of the herd, and do all the roar 
 ing and stamping, while the other bulls remained mute, 
 and followed with the rest of the herd, yet so it was ; 
 but there seemed no reason to disbelieve the unpleasant 
 fact that the monarch s example would be imitated by 
 his subjects. The herd had now drawn so near, and the 
 young ladies had made such a comparatively slow retreat, 
 that they were yet many yards distant from the boundary 
 fence, and it was quite plain that they could not reach 
 it before the advancing milk-white mass would be hurled 
 against them. Some of the young ladies were beginning 
 to feel faint and hysterical, and their alarm was more or 
 less shared by all the party. 
 
 It was now, by Charles Larkyns s advice, that the more 
 active gentlemen mounted on to the lower branches of 
 the wide-spreading trees, and, aided by others upon the 
 ground, began to lift up the ladies to places of security. 
 Hut, the party being a large one, this caring for its more 
 valued but less athletic members was a business that 
 could not be transacted without the expenditure of some 
 little time and trouble, more, as it seemed, than could 
 now be bestowed; for, the onward movement of the 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 409 
 
 Chillingham Cattle was more rapid than the correspond 
 ing upward movement of the Northumbrian pic-nickers. 
 And, even if Charles Larkyns s plan should have a 
 favourable issue, it did not seem a very agreeable pro 
 spect to be detained up in a tree, with a century of bulls 
 bellowing beneath, until casual assistance should arrive ; 
 and yet, what was this state of affairs when compared with 
 the terrors of that impending fate -from which, for 
 some of them at least, there seemed no escape? Mr. 
 Verdant Green fully realised the horrors of this alter 
 native when he looked at Miss Patty Honeywood, who 
 had not yet joined those ladies who, clinging fearfully 
 to the boughs, and crouching among the branches 
 like roosting guinea-fowls, were for the present in 
 comparative safety, and out of the reach of the 
 Cattle. 
 
 The monarch of the herd had now come within forty 
 yards distance, and then stopped, lashing his tail and 
 bellowing defiance, as he appeared to be preparing for 
 a final rush. Behind him, in a dense phalanx, white 
 and terrible, were the rest of the herd. Suddenly, and 
 before the Snowy Bull had made his advance, Frederick 
 Delaval, to the wondering fear of all, stepped boldly 
 forth to meet him. As has been said, he was one of 
 the equestrians of the party, and he carried a heavy- 
 handled whip, furnished with a long and powerful lash. 
 He wrapped this lash round his hand, and walked 
 resolutely towards the Bull, fixing his eyes steadily 
 upon him. The Bull chafed angrily, and stamped 
 upon the ground, but did not advance. The herd, 
 also, were motionless; but their dark, lustrous eyes 
 were centred upon Frederick Delaval s advancing 
 figure. The members of the pic-nic party were also 
 
410 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 watching him with intense interest. If they could, they 
 would have prevented his purpose ; for to all appear 
 ance he was about to lose his own life in order that the 
 rest of the party might gain time to reach a place of 
 safety. The very expectation of this prevented many 
 of the ladies availing themselves of the opportunity 
 thus so boldly purchased, and they stood transfixed 
 with terror and astonishment, breathlessly awaiting 
 the result. 
 
 They watched him draw near the wild white Bull, who 
 stood there yet, foaming and stamping up the turf, but 
 not advancing. His huge horned head was held erect, 
 and his mane bristled up, as he looked upon the adver 
 sary who thus dared to brave him. He suffered Frederick 
 Delaval to approach him, and only betrayed a conscious 
 ness of his presence by his heavy snorting, angry lashing 
 of the tail, and quick motion of his bright eye. All this 
 time the young man had looked the Bull steadfastly in 
 the front, and had drawn near him with an equal and 
 steady step. Suppressed screams broke from more than 
 one witness of his bravery, when he at length stood 
 within a step of his huge adversary. He gazed fixedly 
 into the Bull s eyes, and, after a moment s pause, suddenly 
 raised his riding-whip, and lashed the animal heavily 
 over the shoulders. The Bull tossed round, and roared 
 with fury. The whole herd became agitated, and other 
 bulls trotted up to support their .monarch. 
 
 Still looking him steadfastly in the eyes, Frederick 
 Delaval again raised his heavy whip, and lashed him 
 more severely than before. The Wild Bull butted down, 
 swerved round, and dashed out with his heels. As he 
 did so, Frederick again struck him heavily with the whip, 
 and, at the same time, blew a piercing signal on the 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 411 
 
 boatswain s whistle that he usually carried with him. 
 The sudden shriek of the whistle appeared to put the 
 coup de grace to the young man s bold attack, for the 
 animal had no sooner heard it than he tossed up his head 
 and threw forward his ears, as though to ask from whence 
 the novel noise proceeded. Frederick Delaval again 
 blew a piercing shriek on the whistle; and when the 
 Wild Bull heard it, and once more felt the stinging lash 
 of the heavy whip, he swerved round, and with a bellow 
 of pain and fury trotted back to the herd. The young 
 man blew another shrill whistle, and cracked the long 
 lash of his whip until its echoes reverberated like so 
 many pistol-shots. The Wild Bull s trot increased to a 
 gallop, and he and the whole herd of the Chillingham 
 Cattle dashed rapidly away from the pic-nic party, and 
 in a little time were lost to view in the recesses of their 
 forest. 
 
 " Thank God ! " said Mr. Honeywood ; and it was 
 echoed in the hearts of all. But the Squire s emotion 
 was too deep for words, as he went to meet Frederick 
 Delaval, and pressed him by the hand. 
 
 " Get the women outside the park as quickly as pos 
 sible," said Frederick, " and I will join you." 
 
 But when this was done, and Mr. Honeywood had 
 returned to him, he found him lying motionless beneath 
 the tree. 
 
412 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN HAS AN INKLING OF THE 
 FUTURE. 
 
 MONO other things that 
 Mr. Honeywood had 
 thoughtfully provid 
 ed for the pic-nic 
 was a flask of pale 
 brandy, which, for 
 its better preserva 
 tion, he had kept in 
 his own pocket. 
 This was fortunate, 
 as it enabled the Squire to make 
 use of it for Frederick Delaval s 
 recovery. He had fainted : his 
 concentrated courage and resolu 
 tion had borne him bravely up to a certain point, and 
 then his overtaxed energies had given way when the 
 necessity for their exertion was removed. When he had 
 come to himself, he appeared to be particularly thankful 
 that there had not been a spectator of (what he deemed 
 to be) his unpardonable foolishness in giving way to a 
 weakness that he considered should be indulged in by 
 none other than faint-hearted women ; and he earnestly 
 
THE At) VENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 413 
 
 begged the Squire to be silent on this little episode in 
 the day s adventure. 
 
 When they had left the Wild Cattle s park, and had 
 joined the rest of the party, Frederick Delaval received 
 the hearty thanks that he so richly deserved ; and this, 
 with such an exuberant display of feminine gratitude as 
 to lead Mr. Bouncer to observe, that, if Mr. Delaval 
 chose to take a mean advantage of his position, he 
 could have immediately proposed to two-thirds of the 
 ladies, without the possibility of their declining his offer : 
 at which remark Mr. Verdant Green experienced an 
 uncomfortable sensation, as he thought of the probable 
 issue of events if Mr. Delaval should partly act upon 
 Mr. Bouncer s suggestion, by selecting one young lady 
 his cousin Patty and proposing to her. This re 
 flection became strengthened into a determination to set 
 the matter at rest, decide his doubts, and put an end to 
 his suspense, by taking the first opportunity to renew 
 with Miss Patty that most interesting apple-tree conver 
 sation that had been interrupted by Mr. Bouncer at such 
 a critical moment. 
 
 The pic-nic party, broken up into couples and groups, 
 slowly made their way up the hill to Ros Castle the 
 doubly-intrenched British fort on the summit where 
 the dinner was to take place. It was a rugged road, 
 running along the side of the park, bounded by rocky 
 banks, and shaded by trees. It was tenanted as usual 
 by a Faw gang, a band of gipsies, whose wild and 
 gay attire, with their accompaniments of tents, carts, 
 horses, dogs, and fires, added picturesqueness to the 
 scene. With the characteristic of their race which 
 appears to be a shrewd mixture of mendicity and men 
 dacity they at once abandoned their business of 
 
414 
 
 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 tinkering and peg-making; and, resuming their other 
 business of fortune-telling and begging, they judiciously 
 distributed themselves among the various divisions of 
 the pic-nic party. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green was strolling up the hill lost in 
 meditation, and so inattentive to the wiles of Miss 
 Eleonora Morkin, and her sister Letitia Jane (two 
 fascinating young ladies who were bent upon turning 
 the pic-nic to account), that they had left him, and had 
 forcibly attached themselves to Mr. Poletiss (a soft 
 young gentleman from the neighbourhood of Wooler), 
 when a gipsy woman, with a baby at her back and two 
 children at her heels, singled out our hero as a not 
 unlikely victim, and began at once to tell his fate, dis 
 pensing with the aid of stops : - 
 
 " May the heavens rain blessings on your head my 
 pretty gentleman give the poor gipsy a piece of silver 
 to buy her a bit for the bairns and I can read by the 
 lines in your face my pretty gentleman that you re born 
 to ride in a golden coach and wear buckles of diemints 
 and that your heart s opening like a flower to help the 
 poor gipsy to get her a trifle for her poor famishing 
 bairns that I see the tears of pity astanding like pearls 
 in your eyes my pretty gentleman and may you never 
 know the want of the shilling that I see you re going to 
 give the poor gipsy who will send you all the rich 
 blessings of heaven if you will but cross her hand with 
 the bright pieces of silver that are not half so bright as 
 the sweet eyes of the lady that s awaiting and athinking 
 of you my pretty gentleman." 
 
 This unpunctuated exhortation of the dark-eyed 
 prophetess was here diverted into a new channel by the 
 arrival of Miss Patty Honeywood, who had left her 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 415 
 
 cousin Frank, and had brought her sketch-book to the 
 spot where " the pretty gentleman " and the fortune 
 teller were standing. 
 
 " I do so want to draw a real gipsy," she said. " I 
 have never yet sketched one ; and this is a good oppor 
 tunity. These little brownies of children, with their 
 Italian faces and hair, 
 are very picturesque 
 in their rags." 
 
 "Oh! do draw 
 them ! " said Verdant 
 enthusiastically, as he 
 perceived that the rest 
 of the party had passed 
 out of sight. " It is a 
 capital opportunity, 
 and I dare say they will 
 have no objection to 
 be sketched." 
 
 " May the heavens 
 be the hardest bed 
 you 11 ever have to lie 
 on my pretty rosebud," 
 
 said the unpunctuating descendant of John Faa, as she 
 addressed herself to Miss Patty; "and you re welcome 
 to take the poor gipsy s pictur and to cross her hand 
 with the shining silver while she reads the stars and 
 picks you out a prince of a husband and twelve pretty 
 
 bairns like the " 
 
 " No, no ! " said Miss Patty, checking the gipsy in her 
 
 bounteous promises. " I 11 give you something for 
 
 letting me sketch you, but I won t have my fortune 
 
 told. I know it already; at least as much as I care to 
 
 27 
 
416 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 know." A speech which Mr. Verdant Green interpreted 
 thus: Frederick Delaval has proposed, and has been 
 accepted. 
 
 " Pray don t let me keep you from the rest of the 
 party," said Miss Patty to our hero, while the gipsy shot 
 out fragments of persuasive oratory. " I can get on very 
 well by myself." " She wants to get rid of me," thought 
 Verdant. " I dare say her cousin is coming back to her." 
 But he said, " At any rate let me stay until Mr. Delaval 
 rejoins you." 
 
 " Oh ! he is gone on with the rest, like a polite man. 
 The Miss Maxwells and their cousins were all by 
 themselves." 
 
 "But you are all by yourself; and, by your own 
 showing, I ought to prove my politeness by staying 
 
 with you." 
 
 " I suppose that is Oxford logic," said Miss Patty, as 
 she went on with her sketch of the two gipsy children. 
 " I wish these small persons would stand quiet. Put 
 your hands on your stick, my boy, and not before your 
 f ace . __ But there are the Miss Morkins, with one gentle 
 man for the two; and I dare say you would much rather 
 be with Miss Eleonora. Now, would n t you?" and the 
 young lady, as she rapidly sketched the figures before 
 her, stole a sly look at the enamoured gentleman by 
 her side, who forthwith protested, in an excited and 
 confused manner, that he would rather stand near her 
 for one minute than walk and talk for a whole day with 
 the Miss Morkins; and then, having made this (for 
 him) unusually strong avowal, he timidly blushed, and 
 retired within himself. t 
 
 " Oh yes! I dare say," said Miss Patty; " but I dont 
 believe in compliments. If you choose to victimise 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 417 
 
 yourself by staying here, of course you can do so. 
 Look at me, little girl ; you need n t be frightened ; I 
 shan t eat you. And perhaps you can be useful. I 
 want some water to wash-in these figures ; and if they 
 were literally washed in it, it would be very much to 
 their advantage, wouldn t it?" 
 
 Of course it would ; and of course Mr. Verdant 
 Green was delighted to obey the command. " What 
 spirits she is in ! " he thought, as he dipped the little 
 can of water into the spring. " I dare say it is because 
 she and her cousin Frederick have come to an 
 understanding." 
 
 " If you are anxious to hear a fortune told," said Miss 
 Patty, " here is the old gipsy coming back to us, and 
 you had better let her tell yours." 
 
 " I am afraid that I know it." 
 
 " And do you like the prospect of it? " 
 
 " Not at all ! " and as he said this Mr. Verdant 
 Green s countenance fell. Singularly enough, a shade 
 of sadness also stole over Miss Patty s sunny face. 
 What could he mean? 
 
 A somewhat disagreeable silence was broken by the 
 gipsy most volubly echoing Miss Patty s request. 
 
 " You had better let her tell you your fortune," said 
 the young lady ; perhaps it maybe an improvement 
 on what you expected. And I shall be able to make a 
 better sketch of her in her true character of a fortune 
 teller." 
 
 Then, like as Martivalle inspected Quentin Durward s 
 palm, according to the form of the mystic arts which he 
 practised, so the swarthy prophetess opened her Book 
 of Fate, and favoured Mr. Verdant Green with choice 
 extracts from its contents. First, she told the pretty 
 
41 8 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 gentleman a long rigmarole about the stars, and a planet 
 that ought to have shone upon him, but did n t. Then 
 she discoursed of a beautiful young lady, with a heart 
 as full of love as a pomegranate was full of seeds, 
 painting, in pretty exact colours, a lively portraiture of 
 Miss Patty, which was no very difficult task, while the 
 
 fair original was close 
 at hand ; nevertheless, 
 the infatuated pretty 
 gentleman was deeply 
 impressed with the 
 gipsy narrative, and 
 began to think that the 
 practice and knowl 
 edge of the occult sci 
 ences may, after all, 
 have been handed 
 down to the modern 
 representatives of the 
 ancient Egyptians. 
 He was still further 
 impressed with this be 
 lief when the gipsy 
 proceeded to tell him that he was passionately attached 
 to the pomegranate-hearted young lady, but that his 
 path of true love was crossed by a rival a dark man. 
 
 Frederick Delaval ! This is really most extraordi 
 nary ! thought Mr. Verdant Green, who was not familiar 
 with a fortune-teller s stock in trade; and he waited 
 with some anxiety for the further unravelling of his 
 fate. 
 
 The cunning gipsy saw this, and broadly hinted that 
 another piece of silver placed upon the junction of two 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 419 
 
 cross lines in the pretty gentleman s right palm would 
 materially propitiate the stars, and assist in the happy 
 solution of his fortune. When the hint had been taken 
 she pursued her romantic narrative. Her elaborate but 
 discursive summing-up comprehended the triumph of 
 Mr. Verdant Green, the defeat of the dark man, the 
 marriage of the former to the pomegranate-hearted 
 young lady, a yellow carriage and four white horses 
 with long tails, and, last but certainly not least, a family 
 of twelve children : at which childish termination Miss 
 Patty laughed, and asked our hero if that was the 
 fate that he had dreaded? 
 
 Her sketch being concluded, she remunerated her 
 models so munificently as to draw down upon her head 
 a rapid series of the most wordy and incoherent bless 
 ings she had ever heard, under cover of which she 
 effected her escape, and proceeded with her companion 
 to rejoin the others. They were not very far in advance. 
 The gipsies had beset them at divers points in their 
 progress, and had made no small number of them yield 
 to their importunities to cross their hands with silver. 
 When the various members of the pic-nic party after 
 wards came to compare notes as to the fortunes that had 
 been told them, it was discovered that a remarkable 
 similarity pervaded the fates of all, though their destinies 
 were greatly influenced by the amount expended in 
 crossing the hand ; and it was observable that the 
 number of children promised to bless the nuptial tie was 
 also regulated by a sliding-scale of payment the 
 largest payers being rewarded with the assurance of 
 the largest families. It was also discovered that the 
 description of the favoured lover was invariably the 
 verbal delineation of the lady or gentleman who chanced 
 
42O THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 to be at that time walking with the person whose 
 fortune was being told a prophetic discrimination 
 worthy of all praise, since it had the pretty good 
 security of being correct in more than one case, and in 
 the other cases there was the chance of the prophecy 
 coming true, however improbable present events would 
 appear. Thus, Miss Eleonora Morkin received, and 
 was perfectly satisfied with, a description of Mr. Poletiss ; 
 while Miss Letitia Jane Morkin was made supremely 
 happy with a promise of a similarly-described gentle 
 man ; until the two sisters had compared notes, when 
 they discovered that the same husband had been 
 promised to both of them which by no means im 
 proved their sororal amiability. 
 
 As Verdant walked up the hill with Miss Patty, he 
 thought very seriously on his feelings towards, her, and 
 pondered what might be the nature of her feelings in 
 regard to him. He believed that she was engaged to 
 her cousin Frederick. All her little looks, and acts, 
 and words to himself, he could construe as the mere 
 tokens of the friendship of a warm-hearted girl. If she 
 was inclined to a little flirtation, there was then an 
 additional reason for her notice of him. Then he 
 thought that she was of far too noble a disposition 
 to lead him on to a love which she could not or 
 might not wish to, return ; and that she would not 
 have said and done many little things that he fondly 
 recalled, unless she had chosen to show him that he was 
 dearer to her than a mere friend. Having ascended to 
 the heights of happiness by this thought, Verdant im 
 mediately plunged from thence into the depths of 
 misery, by calling to mind various other little things 
 that she had said and done in connection with her 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 42! 
 
 cousin ; and he again forced himself into the conviction 
 that in Frederick Delaval he had a rival, and, what was 
 more, a successful one. He determined, before the day 
 was over, to end his tortures of suspense by putting 
 to Miss Patty the plain question whether or no she 
 was engaged to her cousin, and to trust to her kind 
 ness to forgive the question if it was an impertinent 
 one. He was unable to do this for the present, partly 
 from lack of courage, and partly from the too close 
 neighbourhood of others of the party ; but he concocted 
 several sentences that seemed to him to be admirably 
 adapted to bring about the desired result. 
 
 " How abstracted you are! " said Miss Patty to him 
 rather abruptly. " Why don t you make yourself 
 agreeable ? For the last three minutes you have not 
 taken your eyes off Kitty." (She was walking just 
 before them, with her cousin Frederick.) " What were 
 you thinking about ? " 
 
 Perhaps it was that he was suddenly roused from 
 deep thought, and had no time to frame an evasive 
 reply; but at any rate Mr. Verdant Green answered, 
 " I was thinking that Mr. Delaval had proposed, and 
 had been accepted." And then he was frightened at 
 what he had said; for Miss Patty looked confused and 
 surprised. " I see that it is so," he sighed, and his 
 heart sank within him. 
 
 " How did you find it out?" she replied. "It is a 
 secret for the present ; and we do not wish any one to 
 know of it." 
 
 " My dear Patty," said Frederick Delaval, who had 
 waited for them to come up, " wherever have you been? 
 We thought the gipsies had stolen you. I am dying to 
 tell you my fortune. I was with Miss Maxwell at the 
 
422 THE ADVENTURES OF MR VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 time, and the old woman described her to me as my 
 future wife. The fortune-teller was slightly on the 
 wrong tack, wasn t she?" So Frederick Delaval and 
 the Misses Honeywood laughed ; and Mr. Verdant 
 Green also laughed in a very savage manner; and 
 they all seemed to think it a very capital joke, and 
 walked on together in very capital spirits. 
 
 " My last hope is gone ! " thought Verdant. " I have 
 now heard my fate from her own lips." 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 423 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN CROSSES THE RUBICON. 
 
 >HE pic-nic dinner was 
 laid near to the brow 
 of the hill of Ros Cas 
 tle, on the shady side 
 of the park wall. In 
 this cool retreat, with 
 the thick summer fo- 
 liaee to screen them 
 
 o 
 
 from the hot sun, 
 they could feast un 
 disturbed either by 
 the Wild Cattle or the 
 noonday glare, and 
 drink in draughts of beauty from the wide-spread land 
 scape before them. 
 
 The hill on which they were seated was broken up 
 into the most picturesque undulations ; here, the rock 
 cropped out from the mossy turf; there, the blaeber 
 ries (the bilberries of more southern counties) clustered 
 in myrtle-like bushes. The intrenched hill sloped down 
 to a rich plain, spreading out for many miles, traversed 
 by the great north road, and dotted over with hamlets. 
 Then came a brown belt of sand, and a broken white 
 line of breakers ; and then the sea, flecked with crested 
 
424 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 waves, and sails that glimmered in the dreamy distance. 
 Holy Island was also in sight, together with the rugged 
 Castle of Bamborough, and the picturesque groups of 
 the Staple and the Farn Islands, covered with sea-birds, 
 and circled with pearls of foam. 
 
 The immediate foreground presented a very cheering 
 prospect to hungry folks. The snowy table-cloth 
 held down upon the grass by fragments of rock against 
 the surprise of high winds was dappled over with loins 
 of lamb, and lobster salads, and pigeon-pies, and veal 
 cakes, and grouse, and game, and ducks, and cold fowls, 
 and ruddy hams, and helpless tongues, and cool cucum 
 bers, and pickled salmon, and roast-beef of old England, 
 and oyster patties, and venison pasties, and all sorts of 
 pastries, and jellies, and custards, and ice : to say noth 
 ing of piles of peaches, and nectarines, and grapes, and 
 melons, and pines. Every thing had been remembered 
 even the salt, and the knives and forks, which are 
 usually forgotten at alfresco entertainments. All this 
 was very cheering, and suggestive of enjoyment and 
 creature comforts. Wines and humbler liquids stood 
 around; and, for the especial delectation, of the ladies, 
 a goodly supply of champagne lay cooling itself in some 
 ice-pails, under the tilt of the cart that had brought it. 
 This cart-tilt, draped over with loose sacking, formed a 
 very good imitation of a gipsy tent, that did not in the 
 least detract from the rusticity of the scene, more 
 especially as close behind it was burning a gipsy fire, 
 surmounted by a triple gibbet, on which hung a kettle, 
 melodious even then, and singing through its swan-like 
 neck an intimation of its readiness to aid, at a moment s 
 notice, in the manufacture of whisky-toddy. 
 
 The dinner was a very merry affair. The gentlemen 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 425 
 
 vied with the servants in attending to the wants of the 
 ladies, and were assiduous in the duties of cutting and 
 carving ; while the sharp popping of the champagne, 
 and the heavier artillery of the pale ale and porter 
 bottles, made a pleasant fusillade. Little Mr. Bouncer 
 was especially deserving of notice. He sat with his 
 legs in the shape of the letter V inverted, his legs being 
 forced to retain their position from the fact of three 
 dishes of various dimensions being arranged between 
 them in a diminuendo passage. These three dishes he 
 vigorously attacked, not only on his own account, but 
 also on behalf of his neighbours, more especially Mis 
 Fanny Green, who reclined by his side in an oriental 
 posture, and made a table of her lap. The disposition 
 of the rest of the dramatis persona was also noticeable, 
 as also their positions their sitting a la Turk or tailor, 
 and their dtgagts attitudes and costumes. Charles Lar- 
 kyns had got by Mary Green; Mr. Poletiss was placed, 
 sandwich-like, between the two Miss Morkins, who were 
 both making love to him at once ; Frederick Delaval 
 was sitting in a similar fashion between the two Miss 
 Honeywoods, who were not, however, both making love 
 to him at once ; and on the other side of Miss Patty was 
 Mr. Verdant Green. The infatuated young man could 
 not drag himself away from his conqueror. Although, 
 from her own confession, he had learnt what he had 
 many times suspected that Frederick Delaval had 
 proposed and had been accepted yet he still felt a 
 pleasure in burning his wings and fluttering round his 
 light of love. " An affection of the heart cannot be 
 cured at a moment s notice," thought Verdant; " to 
 morrow I will endeavour to begin the task of forgetting 
 to-day, remembrance is too recent; besides, every 
 
426 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 one is expected to enjoy himself at a pic-nic, and I 
 must appear to do the same." 
 
 But it did not seem as though Miss Patty had any 
 intention of allowing those in her immediate vicinity to 
 betake themselves to the dismals, or to the produce of 
 wet-blankets, for she was in the very highest spirits, and 
 insisted, as it were, that those around her should catch 
 the contagion of her cheerfulness. And it accordingly 
 happened that Mr. Verdant Green seemed to be as 
 merry as was old King Cole, and laughed and talked as 
 though black care was anywhere else than between him 
 self and Miss Patty Honeywood. 
 
 Close behind Miss Patty was the gipsy-tent-looking 
 cart- tilt; and when the dinner was over, .and there was 
 a slight change of places, while the fragments were 
 being cleared away and the dessert and wine were being 
 placed on the table that is to say, the cloth Miss 
 Patty, under pretence of escaping from a ray of sun 
 shine that had pierced the trees and found its way to her 
 face, retreated a yard or so, and crouched beneath the 
 pseudo gipsy-tent. And what so natural but that Mr. 
 Verdant Green should also find the sun disagreeable, 
 and should follow his light of love, to burn his wings a 
 little more, and flutter round her fascinations? At any 
 rate, whether natural or no, Verdant also drew back a 
 yard or so, and found himself half within the cart-tilt, 
 and very close to Miss Patty. 
 
 The pic-nic party were stretched at their ease upon 
 the grass, drinking wine, munching fruit, talking, laugh 
 ing, and flirting, with the blue sea before them and the 
 bluer sky above them, when said the squire in heroic 
 strain, "Song alone is wanting to crown our feast! 
 Charles Larkyns, you have not only the face of a singer, 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 427 
 
 but, as we all know, you have the voice of one. I 
 therefore call upon you to set our minstrels an example ; 
 and, as a propitiatory measure, I beg to propose your 
 health, with eulogistic thanks for the song you are about 
 to sing ! " Which was unanimously seconded amid 
 laughter and cheers; and the pop of the champagne 
 bottles gave Charles Larkyns the key-note for his song. 
 It was suited to the occasion (perhaps it was composed 
 for it?), being a paean for a pic-nic, and it stated (in 
 
 chorus) 
 
 " Then these aids to success 
 
 Should a pic-nic possess 
 For the cup of its joy to be brimming : 
 Three things there should shine 
 Fair, agreeable, and fine 
 The Weather, the Wine, and the Women ! " 
 
 A rule of pic-nics which, if properly worked out, could 
 not fail to answer. 
 
 Other songs followed ; and Mr. Poletiss, being a 
 young gentleman of a meek appearance and still meeker 
 voice, lyrically informed the company that " Oh ! he 
 was a pirate bold, The scourge of the wide, wide sea, 
 With a murd rous thirst for gold, And a life that was 
 wild and free!" And when Mr. Poletiss arrived at 
 this point, he repeated the last word two or three times 
 over just as if he had been King George the Third 
 visiting Whitbread s Brewery 
 
 " Grains, grains ! " said majesty, " to fill their crops ? 
 Grains, grains ! that comes from hops yes, hops, hops, hops ! 
 
 So Mr. Poletiss sang, " And a life that was wild and 
 free, free, free, And a life that was wild and free." To 
 this charming lyric there was a chorus of, " Then hurrah 
 for the pirate bold, And hurrah for the rover wild, And 
 
428 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 hurrah for the yellow gold, And hurrah for the ocean s 
 child ! " the mild enunciation of which highly moral and 
 appropriate chant appeared to give Mr. Poletiss great 
 satisfaction, as he turned his half-shut eyes to the sky, 
 and fashioned his mouth into a smile. Mr. Bouncer s 
 love for a chorus was conspicuously displayed on this 
 occasion; and Miss Eleonora and Miss Letitia Jane 
 
 Morkin added their feeble trebles to the hurrahs with 
 which Mr. Poletiss, in his George the Third fashion, 
 meekly hailed the advantages to be derived from a 
 pirate s career. 
 
 But what was Mr. Verdant Green doing all this time? 
 The sunbeam had pursued him, and proved so annoying 
 that he had found it necessary to withdraw altogether 
 into the shade of the pseudo gipsy- tent. Miss Patty 
 Honeywood had made such room for him that she was 
 entirely hidden from the rest of the party by the rude 
 drapery of the tent. By the time that Mr. Poletiss had 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 429 
 
 commenced his piratical song, Miss Patty and Verdant 
 were deep in a whispered conversation. It was she who 
 had started the conversation, and it was about the gipsy 
 and her fortune-telling. 
 
 Just when Mr. Poletiss had given his first imitation of 
 King George, and was mildly plunging into his hurrah 
 chorus, Mr. Verdant Green whose timidity, fears, and 
 depression of spirits had somewhat been dispelled and 
 alleviated by the allied powers of Miss Patty and the 
 champagne was speaking thus: " And do you really 
 think that she was only inventing, and that the dark 
 man she spoke of was a creature of her own 
 imagination? " 
 
 "Of course!" answered Miss Patty; "you surely 
 don t believe that she could have meant any one in 
 particular, either in the gentleman s case or in the 
 lady s?" 
 
 " But, in the lady s, she evidently described you 
 
 " Very likely ! just as she would have described any 
 other young lady who might have chanced to be with 
 you : Miss Morkin, for example. The gipsy knew her 
 trade." 
 
 " Many true words are spoken in jest. Perhaps it 
 was not altogether idly that she spoke ; perhaps I did 
 care for the lady she described." 
 
 The sunbeam must surely have penetrated through 
 the tent s coarse covering, for both Miss Patty and Mr. 
 Verdant Green were becoming very hot hotter even 
 than they had been under the apple-tree in the orchard. 
 Mr. Poletiss was all this time giving his imitations of 
 George the Third, and lyrically expressing his opinion 
 as to the advantages to be derived from the profession 
 of a pirate ; and, as his song was almost as long as 
 
430 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 " Chevy Chase," and mainly consisted of a chorus, 
 which was energetically led by Mr. Bouncer, there was 
 noise enough made to drown any whispered conversa 
 tion in the pseudo gipsy-tent. 
 
 "But," continued Verdant, " perhaps the lady she 
 described did not care for me, or she would not have 
 given all her love to the dark man." 
 D " I think," faltered Miss Patty, " the gipsy seemed to 
 say that the lady preferred the light man. But you do 
 not believe what she told you? " 
 
 " I would have done so a few days ago if it had 
 been repeated by you." 
 
 " I scarcely know what you mean." 
 
 " Until to-day I had hoped. It seems that I have 
 built my hopes on a false foundation, and one word of 
 yours has crumbled them into the dust ! " 
 
 This pretty sentence embodied an idea that he had 
 stolen from his own " Legend of the Fair Margaret." He 
 felt so much pride in his property that, as Miss Patty 
 looked slightly bewildered and remained speechless, he 
 reiterated the little quotation about his crumbling 
 hopes. 
 
 " Whatever can I have done," said the young lady, 
 with a smile, " to cause such a ruin? " 
 
 " It caused you no pain to utter the words," replied 
 Verdant; "and why should it? but, to me, they tolled 
 the knell of my happiness." (This was another quota 
 tion from his Legend.) 
 
 " Then hurrah for the pirate bold, And hurrah for the 
 rover wild ! " sang the meek Mr. Poletiss. 
 
 Miss Patty Honeywood began to suspect that Mr. 
 Verdant Green had taken too much champagne ! 
 
 " What do you mean? " she said. " Whatever have 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 431 
 
 I said or done to you that you make use of such remark 
 able expressions? " 
 
 " And hurrah for the yellow gold, And hurrah for the 
 ocean s child ! " chorussed Messrs. Poletiss, Bouncer, 
 and Co. 
 
 Looking as sentimental as his spectacles would allow, 
 Mr. Verdant Green replied in verse 
 
 " * Hopes that once we Ve loved to cherish 
 May fade and droop, but never perish ! 
 
 as Shakspeare says." (Although he modestly attributed 
 this sentiment to the Swan of Avon, it was, nevertheless, 
 
 another quotation from his own Legend.) " And it is 
 my case. 7 cannot forget the Past, though you may ! " 
 " Really you are as enigmatical as the Sphinx ! " said 
 Miss Patty, who again thought of Mr. Verdant Green in 
 connection with champagne. " Pray condescend to 
 speak more plainly, for I was never clever at finding out 
 riddles." 
 
 28 
 
432 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 " And have you forgotten what you said to me, in 
 reply to a question that I asked you, as we came up the 
 hill?" 
 
 " Yes, I have quite forgotten. I dare say I said many 
 foolish things ; but what was the particular foolish thing 
 that so dwells on your mind? " 
 
 " If it is so soon forgotten, it is not worth repeating." 
 
 " Oh, it is ! Pray gratify my curiosity. I am sorry 
 my bad memory should have given you any pain." 
 
 " It was not your bad memory, but your words." 
 
 "My bad words? " 
 
 "No, not bad; but words that shut out a bright 
 future, and changed my life to gloom." (The Legend 
 
 again.) 
 
 Miss Patty looked more perplexed than ever; while 
 Mr. Poletiss politely filled up the gap of silence with an 
 imitation of King George the Third. 
 
 " I really do not know what you mean," said Miss 
 Patty. " If I have said or done anything that has caused 
 you pain, I can assure you it was quite unwittingly on 
 my part, and I am very sorry for it ; but, if you will tell 
 me what it was, perhaps I may be able to explain it 
 away, and disabuse your mind of a false impression." 
 
 " I am quite sure that you did not intend to pain me," 
 replied Verdant ; " and I know that it was presumptuous 
 in me to think as I did. It was scarcely probable that 
 you would feel as I felt; and I ought to have made up 
 my mind to it, and have borne my sufferings with a 
 patient heart." (The Legend again !) " And yet when 
 the shock does come, it is very hard to be borne." 
 
 Miss Patty s bright eyes were dilated with wonder, 
 and she again thought of Mr. Verdant Green in connec 
 tion with champagne. Mr. Poletiss was still taking his 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 433 
 
 pirate through all sorts of flats and sharps, and chromatic 
 imitations of King George. 
 
 " But, what is this shock? " asked Miss Patty. " Per 
 haps I can relieve it; and I ought to do so if it came 
 through my means." 
 
 " You cannot help me," said Verdant. " My suspi 
 cions were confirmed by your words, and they have 
 sealed my fate." 
 
 " But you have not yet told me what those words were, 
 and I must really insist upon knowing," said Miss Patty, 
 who had begun to look very seriously perplexed. 
 
 " And, can you have forgotten ! " was the reply. 
 " Do you not remember, that, as we came up the hill, I 
 put a certain question to you about Mr. Delaval having 
 proposed and having been accepted ? " 
 
 "Yes ! I remember it very well ! And, what then? " 
 
 "And, what then!" echoed Mr. Verdant Green, in 
 the greatest wonder at the young lady s calmness; 
 " what then ! why, when you told me that he had been 
 accepted, was not that sufficient for me to know? to 
 know that all my love had been given to one who was 
 another s, and that all my hopes were blighted ! was not 
 this sufficient to crush me, and to change the colour of 
 my life?" And Verdant s face showed that, though he 
 might be quoting from his Legend, he was yet speaking 
 from his heart. 
 
 " Oh ! I little expected this ! " faltered Miss Patty, in 
 real grief; " I little thought of this. Why did you not 
 speak sooner to some one to me, for instance and 
 have spared yourself this misery? If you had been 
 earlier made acquainted with Frederick s attachment, 
 you might then have checked your own. I did not 
 ever dream of this ! " And Miss Patty, who had turned 
 
434 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 pale, and trembled with agitation, could not restrain a 
 tear. 
 
 " It is very kind of you thus to feel for me ! " said 
 Verdant; " and all I ask is, that you will still remain 
 my friend." 
 
 " Indeed, I will. And I am sure Kitty will always 
 wish to be the same. She will be sadly grieved to hear 
 of this ; for, I can assure you that she had no suspicion 
 you were attached to her." 
 
 " Attached to HER ! " cried Verdant, with vast surprise. 
 " What ever do you mean? " 
 
 " Have you not been telling me of your secret love 
 for her?" answered Miss Patty, who again turned her 
 thoughts to the champagne. 
 
 " Love for her ? No ! nothing of the kind." 
 
 " What ! and not spoken about your grief when I told 
 you that Frederick Delaval had proposed to her, and 
 had been accepted? " 
 
 " Proposed to her ? " cried Verdant, in a kind of 
 dreamy swoon. 
 
 " Yes ! to whom else do you suppose he would 
 propose? " 
 
 "To you/" 
 
 " To ME ! " 
 
 " Yes, to you ! Why, have you not been telling me 
 that you were engaged to him? " 
 
 " Telling you that / was engaged to Fred ! " rejoined 
 Miss Patty. " Why, what could put such an idea into 
 your head? Fred is engaged to Kitty. You asked me 
 if it was not so; and I told you, yes, but that it was a 
 secret at present. Why, then of whom were you 
 talking? " 
 
 " Of you/" 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 435 
 
 "Of mi?" 
 
 " Yes, of you ! " And the scales fell from the eyes of 
 both and they saw their mutual mistake. 
 
 There was a silence, which Verdant was the first to 
 
 break. 
 
 " It seems that love is really blind. I now perceive 
 how we have been playing at cross questions and 
 crooked answers. When I asked you about Mr. Delaval, 
 my thoughts were wholly of you, and I spoke of you, 
 and not of your sister, as you imagined ; and I fancied 
 that you answered not for your sister, but for yourself. 
 When I spoke of my attachment, it did not refer to your 
 sister, but to you." 
 
 " To me ? " softly said Miss Patty, as a delicious 
 tremor stole over her. 
 
 " To you, and to you alone," answered Verdant. The 
 great stumbling-block of his doubts was now removed, 
 and his way lay clear before him. Then, after a 
 momentary pause to nerve his determination, and with 
 out further prelude, or beating about the bush, he said, 
 " Patty my dear Miss Honeywood I love you ! do 
 you love me? " 
 
 There it was at last! The dreaded question over 
 which he had passed so many hours of thought, was at 
 length spoken. The elaborate sentences that he had 
 devised for its introduction, had all been forgotten ; and 
 his artificial flowers of oratory had been exchanged for 
 those simpler blossoms of honesty and truth " I love 
 y OU do you love me?" He had imagined that he 
 should put the question to her when they were alone in 
 some quiet room; or, better still, when they were 
 wandering together in some sequestered garden walk or 
 shady lane ; and, now, here he had unexpectedly, and 
 
436 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 undesignedly, found his opportunity at a pic-nic dinner, 
 with half a hundred people close beside him, and his 
 ears assaulted with a songster s praises of piracy and 
 murder. Strange accompaniments to a declaration of 
 the tender passion ! But, like others before him, he had 
 found that there was no such privacy as that of a crowd 
 the fear of interruption probably adding a spur to 
 determination, while the laughter and busy talking of 
 others assist to fill up awkward pauses of agitation in 
 the converse of the loving couple. 
 
 Despite the heat, Miss Patty s cheeks paled for a 
 moment, as Verdant put to her that question, " Do you 
 love me?" Then a deep blush stole over them, as she 
 whispered " I do." 
 
 What need for more? what need for pressure of hands 
 or lips, and vows of love and constancy? What need 
 even for the elder and more desperate of the Miss 
 Morkins to maliciously suggest that Mr. Poletiss who 
 had concluded, amid a great display of approbation 
 (probably because it was concluded) his mild piratical 
 chant, and his imitations of King George the Third 
 should call upon Mr. Verdant Green, who, as she under 
 stood, was a very good singer? " And, dear me ! where 
 could he have gone to, when he was here just now, you 
 know! and, good gracious! why there he was, under 
 the cart-tilt and well, I never was so surprised Miss 
 Martha Honeywood with him, flirting now, I dare say? 
 should n t you think so? " 
 
 No need for this stroke of generalship ! No need for 
 Miss Letitia Jane Morkin to prompt Miss Fanny Green 
 to bring her brother out of his retirement. No need for 
 Mr. Frederick Delaval to say " I thought you were 
 never going to slip from your moorings ! " Or for little 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 437 
 
 Mr. Bouncer to cry, " Yoicks ! unearthed at last ! " No 
 need for anything, save the parental sanction to the 
 newly-formed engagement. Mr. Verdant Green had 
 proposed, and had been accepted; and Miss Patty 
 Honeyvvood could exclaim with Schiller s heroine, " Ich 
 habe gelebt und geliebet ! I have lived, and have 
 loved ! " 
 
438 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN ASKS PAPA. 
 
 USS MORKIN met with her 
 reward before many hours. 
 The pic-nic party were on 
 their way home, and had 
 reached within a short dis 
 tance of the inn where their 
 wagons had to be ex 
 changed for carriages. It 
 has been mentioned that, 
 among the difficulties of the way, they had to drive 
 through bridgeless brooks ; and one of these was not 
 half-a-mile distant from the inn. 
 
 It happened that the mild Mr. Poletiss was seated at 
 the tail end of the wagon, next to the fair Miss Morkin, 
 who was laying violent siege to him, with a battery of 
 words, if not of charms. If the position of Mr. Poletiss, 
 as to deliverance from his fair foe, was a difficult one, 
 his position, as to maintaining his seat during the vio 
 lent throes and tossings to and fro of the wagon, was 
 even more difficult; for Mr. Poletiss s mildness of voice 
 was surpassed by his mildness of manner, and he was 
 far too timid to grasp at the side of the wagon by pla 
 cing his arm behind the fair Miss Morkin, lest it should 
 be supposed that he was assuming the privileged posi- 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 439 
 
 tion of a partner in a valse. Mr. Poletiss, therefore, 
 whenever they jolted through ruts or brooks, held on 
 to his hay hassock, and preserved his equilibrium as 
 best he could. 
 
 On the same side of the wagon, but at its upper and 
 safer end, was seated Mr. Bouncer, who was not slow 
 to perceive that a very slight accident would destroy 
 Mr. Poletiss s equilibrium; and the little gentleman s 
 fertile brain speedily concocted a plan, which he forth 
 with communicated to Miss Fanny Green, who sat next 
 to him. It was this : that when they were plunging 
 through the brook, and every one was swaying to and 
 fro, and was thrown off their balance, Mr. Bouncer 
 should take advantage of the critical moment, and (by 
 accident, of course ! ) give Miss Fanny Green a heavy 
 push; this would drive her against her next neighbour, 
 Miss Patty Honeywood ; who, from the recoil, would 
 literally be precipitated into the arms of Mr. Verdant 
 Green, who would be pushed against Miss Letitia Jane 
 Morkin, who would be driven against her sister, who 
 would be propelled against Mr. Poletiss, and thus give 
 him that coup de grace, which, as Mr. Bouncer hoped, 
 would have the effect of quietly tumbling him out of 
 the wagon, and partially ducking him in the brook. 
 "It won t hurt him," said the little gentleman; "it ll 
 do him good. The brook ain t deep, and a bath will 
 be pleasant such a day as this. He can dry his clothes 
 at the inn, and get some steaming toddy, if he s afraid 
 of catching cold. And it will be such a lark to see him 
 in the water. Perhaps Miss Morkin will take a header, 
 and plunge in to save him ; and he will promise her 
 his hand, and a medal from the Humane Society ! The 
 wagon will be sure to give a heavy lurch as we come up 
 
440 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 out of the brook, and what so natural as that we should 
 all be jolted against each other? " It is not necessary 
 to state whether or no Miss Fanny Green seconded or 
 opposed Mr. Bouncer s motion ; suffice it to say that 
 it was carried out. 
 
 They had reached the brook. Miss Morkin was 
 exclaiming, " Oh, dear! here s another of those dread 
 ful brooks the last, I hope, for I always feel so timid 
 at water, and I never bathe at the sea-side without shut 
 ting my eyes and being pushed into it by the old woman 
 and, my goodness ! here we are, and I feel convinced 
 that we shall all be thrown in by those dreadful wagon 
 ers, who are quite tipsy I m sure don t you think so, 
 Mr. Poletiss?" 
 
 But, ere Mr. Poletiss could meekly respond, the 
 horses had been quickened into a trot, the wagon had 
 gone down into the brook through it and was bound 
 ing up the opposite side everybody was holding 
 tightly to anything that came nearest to hand when, 
 at that fatal moment, little Mr. Bouncer gave the pre 
 concerted push, which was passed on, unpremeditatedly, 
 from one to another, until it had gained its electrical 
 climax in the person of Miss Morkin, who, with a shriek s 
 was propelled against Mr. Poletiss, and gave the neces 
 sary momentum that toppled him from the wagon into 
 the brook. But, dreadful to relate, Mr. Bouncer s prac 
 tical joke did not terminate at this fixed point. Mr. 
 Poletiss, in the suddenness of his fall naturally struck 
 out at any straw that might save him; and the straw 
 that he caught was the dress of Miss Morkin. She 
 being at that moment off her balance, and the wagon 
 moving rapidly at an angle of 45, was unable to save 
 herself from following the example of Mr. Poletiss, and 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 441 
 
 she also toppled over into the brook. A third victim 
 would have been added to Mr. Bouncer s list, had not 
 Mr. Verdant Green, with considerable presence of mind, 
 plucked Miss Letitia Jane Morkin from the violent hands 
 that her sister was laying upon her, in making the same 
 endeavours after safety that had been so futilely employed 
 by the luckless Mr. Poletiss. 
 
 No sooner had he fallen with a splash into the brook, 
 than Miss Eleonora Morkin was not only after but upon 
 him. This was so far fortunate for the lady, that it 
 released her with only a partial wetting, and she speed 
 ily rolled from off her submerged companion on to the 
 shore; but it rendered the ducking of Mr. Poletiss a 
 more complete one, and he scrambled from the brook, 
 dripping and heavy with wet, like an old ewe emerging 
 from a sheep-shearing tank. The wagon had been 
 immediately stopped, and Mr. Bouncer and the other 
 gentlemen had at once sprung down to Miss Morkin s 
 assistance. Being thus surrounded by a male body 
 guard, the young lady could do no less than go into 
 hysterics, and fall into the nearest gentleman s arms, 
 and as this gentleman was little Mr. Bouncer he was 
 partially punished for his practical joke. Indeed, he 
 afterwards declared that a severe cold which troubled 
 him for the next fortnight was attributable to his having 
 held in his arms the damp form of the dishevelled naiad. 
 On her recovery which was effected by Mr. Bouncer 
 giving way under his burden, and lowering it to the 
 ground she utterly refused to be again carried in the 
 wagon; and, as walking was perhaps better for her 
 under the circumstances, she and Mr. Poletiss were 
 escorted in procession to the inn hard by, where dry 
 changes of costume were provided for them by the land 
 lord and his fair daughter. 
 
442 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 As this little misadventure was believed by all, save 
 the privileged few, to have been purely the result of 
 accident, it was not permitted, so Mr. Bouncer said, to 
 do as Miss Morkin had done by him throw a damp 
 upon the party; and as the couple who had taken a 
 watery bath met with great sympathy, they had no rea- 
 
 son to complain of the incident. Especially had the 
 fair Miss Morkin cause to rejoice therein, for the mild 
 Mr. Poletiss had to make her so many apologies for 
 having been the innocent cause of her fall, and, as a 
 reparation, felt bound to so particularly devote himself 
 to her for the remainder of the evening, that Miss 
 Morkin was in the highest state of feminine gratification, 
 and observed to her sister, when they were preparing 
 themselves for rest, " I am quite sure, Letitia Jane, 
 that the gipsy woman spoke the truth, and could read 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 443 
 
 the stars and whatdyecallems as easy as a b c. She 
 told me that I should be married to a man with light 
 whiskers and a soft voice, and that he would come to 
 me from over the water ; and it s quite evident that she 
 referred to Mr. Poletiss and his falling into the brook ; 
 and I m sure if he d have had a proper opportunity he d 
 have said something definite to-night." So Miss Eleo- 
 nora Morkin laid her head upon her pillow, and dreamt 
 
 of bride-cake and wedding-favours. Perhaps another 
 young lady under the same roof was dreaming the same 
 thing ! 
 
 A ball at Honeywood Hall terminated the pleasures 
 of the day. The guests had brought with them a change 
 of garments, and were therefore enabled to make their 
 reappearance in evening costume. This quiet interval 
 for dressing was the first moment that Verdant could 
 secure for sitting down by himself to think over the 
 events of the day. As yet the time was too early for 
 him to reflect calmly on the step he had taken. His 
 
444 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 brain was In that kind of delicious stupor which we 
 experience when, having been aroused from sleep, we 
 again shut our eyes for a moment s doze. Past, present, 
 and future were agreeably mingled in his fancies. One 
 thought quickly followed upon another; there was no 
 dwelling upon one special point, but a succession of 
 crowding feelings chased rapidly through his mind, all 
 pervaded by that sunny hue that shines out from the 
 knowledge of love returned. 
 
 He could not rest until he had told his sister Mary, 
 and made her a sharer in his happiness. He found 
 her just without the door, strolling up and down the 
 drive with Charles Larkyns, so he joined them; and, 
 as they walked in the pleasant cool of the evening down 
 a shady walk, he stammered out to them, with many 
 blushes, that Patty Honeywood had promised to be his 
 wife. 
 
 " Cousin Patty is the very girl for you ! " said Charles 
 Larkyns, " the very best choice you could have made. 
 She will trim you up and keep you tight, as old Tennyson 
 hath it. For what says the fat-faced curate Edward 
 
 Bull? 
 
 " I take it, God made the woman for the man 
 And for the good and increase of the world. 
 A pretty face is well, and this is well, 
 To have a dame indoors, that trims us up 
 And keeps us tight. 
 
 "Verdant, you are a lucky fellow to have won the 
 love of such a good and honest-hearted girl, and if there 
 is any room left to mould you into a better fellow than 
 what you are, Miss Patty is the very one for the 
 modeller/ 
 
 At the same time that he was thus being congratu- 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 445 
 
 lated on his good fortune and happy prospects, Miss 
 Patty was making a similar confession to her mother 
 and sister, and receiving the like good wishes. And it 
 is probable that Mrs. Honeywood made no delay in 
 communicating this piece of family news to her liege 
 lord and master; for when, half an hour afterwards, Mr. 
 Verdant Green had screwed up his courage sufficiently 
 to enable him to request a private interview with Mr. 
 Honeywood in the library, the Squire most humanely 
 relieved him from a large load of embarrassment, and 
 checked the hems and hums and haws that our hero 
 was letting off like squibs, to enliven his conversation, 
 by saying, " I think I guess the nature of your errand 
 to ask my consent to your engagement with my 
 daughter Martha? Am I right?" 
 
 And so, by this grateful helping of a very lame dog 
 over a very difficult stile, the diplomatic relations and 
 circumlocutions that are usually observed at horrible 
 interviews of this description were altogether avoided, 
 and the business was speedily brought to a satisfactory 
 termination. 
 
 When Mr. Verdant Green issued from the library, he 
 felt himself at least ten years older and a much more 
 important person than when he had entered it, so 
 greatly is our bump of self-esteem increased by the 
 knowledge that there is a being in existence who holds 
 us dearer than aught else in the whole wide world. 
 But not even a misogynist would have dared to assert 
 that, in the present instance, love was but an excess of 
 self-love ; for if ever there was a true attachment that 
 honestly sprang from the purest feelings of the heart, it 
 was that which existed between Miss Patty Honeywood 
 and Mr. Verdant Green. 
 
446 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 What need to dwell further on the daily events of 
 that happy time? What need to tell how the several 
 engagements of the two Miss Honeywoods were made 
 known, and how, with Miss Mary Green and Mr. Charles 
 Larkyns, there were thus three bond fide " engaged 
 couples " in the house at the same time, to say nothing 
 of what looked like an embryo engagement between 
 Miss Fanny Green and Mr. Bouncer? But if this last- 
 named attachment should come to anything, it would 
 probably be owing to the severe aggravation which the 
 little gentleman felt on continually finding himself de 
 trop at some scene of tender sentiment. 
 
 If, for example, he entered the library, its tenants, 
 perhaps, would be Verdant and Patty, who would be 
 discovered, with agitated expressions, standing or sitting 
 at intervals of three yards, thereby endeavouring to 
 convey to the spectator the idea that those positions had 
 been relatively maintained by them up to the moment 
 of his entering the room, an idea which the spectator 
 invariably rejected. When Mr. Bouncer had retired 
 with figurative Eastern apologies from the library, he 
 would perhaps enter the drawing-room, there to find 
 that Frederick Delaval and Miss Kitty Honeywood had 
 sprung into remote positions (as certain bodies rebound 
 upon contact), and were regarding him as an unwelcome 
 intruder. Thence, with more apologies, he would be 
 take himself to the breakfast-room, to see what was 
 going on in that quarter, and there he would flush a 
 third brace of betrotheds, a proceeding that was not 
 much sport to either party. It could hardly be a matter 
 of surprise, therefore, if Mr. Bouncer should be seized 
 with the prevailing epidemic, and, from the circum 
 stances of his position, should be driven more than he 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 447 
 
 might otherwise have been into Miss Fanny Green s 
 society. And though the little gentleman had no 
 serious intentions in all this, yet it seemed highly 
 probable that something might come of it, and that Mr. 
 Alfred Brindle (whose attentions at the Christmas 
 charade-party at the Manor Green had been of so 
 marked a character) would have to resign his pre 
 tensions to Miss Fanny Green s hand in favour of Mr. 
 Henry Bouncer. 
 
 But it is needless to describe the daily lives of these 
 betrothed couples how they rode, and sketched, and 
 walked, and talked, and drove, and fished, and shot, and 
 visited, and pic-nic d how they went out to sea in 
 Frederick Delaval s yacht, and were overtaken by rough 
 weather, and became so unromantically ill that they 
 prayed to be put on shore again how, on a chosen day, 
 when the sea was as calm as a duckpond, they sailed 
 from Bamborough to the Longstone, and nevertheless 
 took provisions with them for three days, because, if 
 storms should arise, they might have found it impossible 
 to put back from the island to the shore ; but how, never 
 theless, they were altogether fortunate, and had not to 
 lengthen out their pic-nic to such an uncomfortable 
 extent and how they went over the Lighthouse, and 
 talked about the brave and gentle Grace Darling; and 
 how that handsome, grey-headed old man, her father, 
 showed them the presents that had been sent to his 
 daughter by Queen, and Lords, and Commons, in token 
 of her deed of daring; and how he was garrulous 
 about them and her, with the pardonable pride of a 
 
 " fond old man, 
 Fourscore and upward," 
 
 who had been the father of such a daughter. It is 
 29 
 
448 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 needless to detail all this ; let us rather pass to the 
 evening of the day preceding that which should see the 
 group of visitors on their way back to Warwickshire. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green and Miss Patty Honey wood have 
 been taking a farewell after-dinner stroll in the garden, 
 and have now wandered into the deserted breakfast- 
 room, under the pretence of finding a water-colour 
 drawing of Honeywood Hall, that the young lady had 
 made for our hero. 
 
 "Now, you must promise me," she said to him, 
 "that you will take it to Oxford." 
 
 "Certainly, if I go there again. But 
 
 "But, sir! but I thought you had promised to give 
 up to me on that point. You naughty boy! if you 
 already break your promises in this way, who knows 
 but what you will forget your promise to remember 
 me when you have gone away from here?" 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green here did what is usual in such 
 cases. He kissed the young lady, and said, " You 
 silly little woman! as though I could forget you!" et 
 cetera, et cetera. 
 
 "Ah! I don t know," said Miss Patty. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green repeated the kiss and the et 
 ceteras. 
 
 "Very well, then, I 11 believe you," at length said 
 Miss Patty. "But I won t love you one bit unless 
 you ll faithfully promise that you will go back to 
 Oxford. Whatever would be the use of your giving 
 up your studies ? " 
 
 "A great deal of use ; we could be married at once." 
 
 "Oh no, we couldn t. Papa is quite firm on this 
 point. You know that he thinks us much too young 
 to be married." 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 449 
 
 "But," pleaded our hero, "if we are old enough to 
 fall in love, surely we must be old enough to be 
 married." 
 
 "Oxford logic again, I suppose," laughed Miss 
 Patty, "but it won t persuade papa, nevertheless. I 
 am not quite nineteen, you know, and papa has always 
 said that I should never be married until I was one- 
 and-twenty. By that time you will have done with 
 college and taken your degree, and I should so like to 
 know that you have passed all your examinations, and 
 are a Bachelor of Arts." 
 
 "But," said Verdant, "I don t think I shall be able 
 to pass. Examinations are very nervous affairs, and 
 suppose I should be plucked. You would n t like to 
 marry a man who had disgraced himself." 
 
 "Do you see that picture?" asked Miss Patty; and 
 she directed Verdant s attention to a small but exqui 
 site oil-painting by Maclise. It was in illustration of 
 one of Moore s melodies, "Come, rest in this bosom, 
 my own stricken deer!" The lover had fallen upon 
 one knee at his mistress s feet, and was locked in her 
 embrace. With a look of fondest love she had pil 
 lowed his head upon her bosom, as if to assure him, 
 " Though the herd have all left thee, thy home it is 
 here." 
 
 " Do you see that picture ? " asked Miss Patty. " I 
 would do as she did. If all others rejected you yet 
 would I never. You would still find your home here," 
 and she nestled fondly to his side. 
 
 "But," she said, after one of those delightful pauses 
 which lovers know so well how to fill up, "you must 
 not conjure up such silly fancies. Charles has often 
 told me how easily you passed your Little-go, is n t 
 
450 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 it called? and he says you will have no trouble in 
 obtaining your degree." 
 
 "But two years is such a tremendous time to wait," 
 urged our hero, who, like all lovers, was anxious to 
 crown his happiness without much delay. 
 
 "If you are resolved to think it long," said Miss 
 Patty; "but it will enable you to tell whether you 
 really like me. You might, you know, marry in 
 haste, and then have to repent at leisure." 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 451 
 
 And the end of this conversation was, that the fair 
 special pleader gained her cause, and that Mr. Verdant 
 Green consented to return to Oxford; and not to dream 
 of marriage until two years had passed over his head. 
 
 The next night he slept at the Manor Green, 
 Warwickshire. 
 
452 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN IS MADE A MASON. 
 
 R. VERDANT GREEN and 
 Mr. Bouncer were once more 
 in Oxford, and on a certain 
 morning had turned into the 
 coffee-room of "The Mitre" to "do 
 bitters/ as Mr. Bouncer phrased the 
 act of drinking bitter beer, when said 
 the little gentleman, as he dangled his 
 legs from a table, 
 
 "Gig-lamps, old feller! you ain t a 
 mason." 
 
 "A mason! of course not." 
 " And why do you say of course not ? " 
 "Why, what would be the use of it? " 
 "That s what parties always say, my tulip. Be a 
 mason, and then you 11 soon see the use of it." 
 " But I am independent of trade. " 
 "Trade? Oh, I twig. My gum, Gig-lamps! you 11 
 be the death of me some fine day. I did n t mean a 
 mason with a hod of mortar; he d be a hod-fellow, 
 don t you see? there s a fine old crusted joke for 
 you I meant a mason with a petticut, a freemason." 
 "Oh, a freemason. Well, I really don t seem to 
 care much about being one. As far as I can see, 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 453 
 
 there s a great deal of mystery and very little use in 
 
 it." 
 
 "Oh, that s because you know nothing about it. If 
 you were a mason you d soon see the use of it. For 
 one thing, when you go abroad you d find it no end of 
 a help to you. If you ll stand another tankard of 
 beer I 11 tell you an apropos tale." 
 
 So when a fresh supply of the bitter beverage had 
 been ordered and brought, little Mr. Bouncer, perched 
 
 upon the table, and dangling his legs, discoursed as 
 follows: 
 
 "Last Long, Billy Blades went on to the continent, 
 and in the course of his wanderings he came across 
 some gentlemen who turned out to be bandits, although 
 they weren t dressed in tall hats and ribbons, and 
 scarves, and watches, and velvet sit-upons, like you 
 see them in pictures and at theatres; but they were 
 
454 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 rough customers for all that, and they laid hands upon 
 Master Billy, and politely asked him lor his money or 
 his life. Billy wasn t inclined to give them either, 
 but he was all alone, with nothing but his knapsack 
 and a stick, for it was a frequented road, and he had 
 no idea that there were such things as banditti in 
 existence. Well, as you re aware, Gig-lamps, Billy s 
 a modern Hercules, with an unusual development of 
 biceps, and he not only sent out left and right, and 
 gave them a touch of Hammer Lane and the Putney 
 Pet combined, but he also applied his shoemaker to 
 another gentleman s tailor with considerable effect. 
 However, this didn t get him kudos, or mend matters 
 one bit; and, after being knocked about much more 
 than was agreeable to his feelings, he was forced to 
 yield to superior numbers. They gagged and blind 
 folded him, formed him into a procession, and marched 
 riim off; and when in about half-an-hour they again 
 let him have the use of his eyes and tongue, he found 
 himself in a rude hut, with his banditti friends around 
 him. They had pistols, and poniards, and long knives, 
 with which they made threatening demonstrations. 
 They had cut open his knapsack and tumbled out its 
 contents, but not a sou could they find; for Billy, I 
 should have told you, had left the place where he was 
 staying, for a few days walking tour, and he had only 
 taken what little money he required ; of this he had 
 one or two pieces left, which he gave them. But it 
 wouldn t satisfy the beggars, and they signified to 
 him for you see, Gig-lamps, Billy didn t understand 
 a quarter of their lingo that he must fork out with 
 his tin unless he wished to be forked into with their 
 steel. Pleasant position, wasn t it?" 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 455 
 
 " Extremely. " 
 
 "Well, they searched him, and when they found 
 that they really couldn t get anything more out of 
 him, they made him understand that he must write to 
 some one for a ransom, and that he wouldn t be 
 released until the money came. Pleasant again, 
 wasn t it?" 
 
 "Excessively. But what has all this to do with 
 freemasonry? " 
 
 "Gig-lamps, you re as bad as a girl who peeps at 
 the end of a novel before she begins to read it. Drink 
 your beer, and let me tell my tale in my own way. 
 Well, now we come to volume the third, chapter the 
 last. Master Billy found that there was nothing for it 
 but to obey orders, so he sent off a note to his banker, 
 stating his requirements. As soon as this business 
 was transacted, the amiable bandits turned to plea 
 sure, and produced a bottle of wine, of which they 
 politely asked Billy to partake. He thought at first 
 that it might be poison, and he wasn t very far wrong, 
 for it was most villanous stuff. However, the other 
 fellows took to it kindly, and got more amiable than 
 ever over it ; so much so that they offered Billy one of 
 his own weeds, and they all got very jolly, and were 
 as thick as thieves. Billy made himself so much at 
 home he s a beggar that can always adapt himself 
 to circumstances that at last the chief bandit pro 
 posed his health, and then they all shook hands with 
 him. Well, now comes the moral of my story. When 
 the captain of the bandits was drinking Billy s health 
 in this flipper-shaking way, it all at once occurred to 
 Billy to give him the masonic grip. I must not tell 
 you what it was, but he gave it, and, lo and behold ! 
 
456 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 the bandit returned it. Both Billy and the bandit 
 opened their eyes pretty considerably at this. The 
 bandit also opened his arms and embraced his captive; 
 and the long and short of it was that he begged Billy s 
 pardon for the trouble and delay they had caused him, 
 returned him his money and knapsack, and all the 
 weeds that were not smoked, set aside the ransom, and 
 escorted him back to the high road, guaranteeing him 
 a free and unmolested passage if he should come that 
 way again. And all this because Billy was a mason; 
 so you see, Gig-lamps, what use it is to a feller. 
 But," said Mr. Bouncer, as he ended his tale, "talk 
 ing s monstrously dry work. So, I looks towards you, 
 Gig-lamps! to which, if you wish to do the correct 
 thing, you should reply I likewise bows ! " And, 
 little Mr. Bouncer, winking affably to his friend, raised 
 the silver tankard to his lips, and kept it there for the 
 space of ten seconds. 
 
 "I suppose," said Verdant, "that the real moral of 
 your story is, that I must become a freemason, because 
 I might travel abroad and be attacked by a scamp who 
 was also a freemason. Now, I think I had better 
 decline joining a society that numbers banditti among 
 its members." 
 
 "Oh, but that was an exceptional case. I dare say, 
 if the truth was known, Billy s friend had once been 
 a highly respectable party, and had paid his water-rate 
 and income-tax like any other civilised being. But 
 all masons are not like Billy s friend, and the more 
 you know of them the more you ll thank me for hav 
 ing advised you to join them. But it isn t altogether 
 that. Every Oxford man who is really a man is a 
 mason, and that, Gig-lamps, is quite a sufficient reason 
 why you should be one. " 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 457 
 
 So Verdant said, Very well, he had no objection; 
 and little Mr. Bouncer promised to arrange the 
 necessary preliminaries. What these were will be 
 seen if we advance the progress of events a few days 
 later. 
 
 Messrs. Bouncer, Blades, Foote, and Flexible 
 Shanks who were all masons, and could affix to their 
 names more letters than members of far more learned 
 societies could do had undertaken that Mr. Verdant 
 Green s initiation into the mysteries of the craft 
 should be altogether a private one. Verdant felt that 
 this was exceedingly kind of them ; for, if it must be 
 confessed, he had adopted the popular idea that the 
 admission of members was in some way or other con 
 nected with the free use of a red-hot poker, and though 
 he was reluctant to breathe his fears on this point, yet 
 he looked forward to the ceremony with no little 
 dread. He was therefore immensely relieved when 
 he found that, by the kindness of his friends, his in 
 itiation would not take place in the presence of 
 the assembled members of the Lodge. 
 
 For a week Mr. Verdant Green was benevolently 
 left to ponder and speculate on the ceremonial horrors 
 that would attend his introduction to the mysteries of 
 freemasonry, and by the appointed day he had worked 
 himself into such a state of nervous excitement that 
 he was burning more with the fever of apprehension 
 than that of curiosity. There was no help for him, 
 however; he had promised to go through the ordeal, 
 whatever it might be, and he had no desire to be 
 laughed at for having abandoned his purpose through 
 fear. 
 
 The Lodge of Cemented Bricks, of which Messrs. 
 
458 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 Bouncer and Co. had promised to make Mr. Verdant 
 Green a member, occupied spacious rooms in a certain 
 large house in a certain small street not a hundred 
 miles from the High Street. The ascent to the Lodge- 
 room, which was at the top of the house, was by a 
 rather formidable flight of stairs, up which Mr. Ver 
 dant Green tremblingly climbed, attended by Mr. 
 Bouncer as his fidus Achates. The little gentleman, 
 in that figurative Oriental language to which he was 
 so partial, considerately advised his friend to keep up 
 his pecker and never say die; but his exhortation of 
 "Now, don t you be frightened, Gig-lamps, we shan t 
 hurt you more than we can help," only increased the 
 anguish of our hero s sensations; and when at the last 
 he found himself at the top of the stairs, and before a 
 door which was guarded by Mr. Foote, who held a 
 drawn sword, and was dressed in unusually full masonic 
 costume, and looked stern and unearthly in the dusky 
 gloom, he turned back, and would have made his 
 escape had he not been prevented by Mr. " Foote- 
 lights " naked weapon. Mr. Bouncer had previously 
 cautioned him that he must not in any way evince a 
 recognition of his friends until the ceremonies of the 
 initiation were completed, and that the infringement 
 of this command would lead to his total expulsion 
 from his friends society. Mr. Bouncer had also told 
 him that he must not be surprised at anything that he 
 might see or hear; which, under the circumstances, 
 was very seasonable as well as sensible advice. Mr. 
 Verdant Green, therefore, submitted to his fate, aild 
 to Mr. Footelights drawn sword. 
 
 "The first step, Gig-lamps, " whispered Mr. Bouncer, 
 "is the blindfolding; the next is the challenge, which 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 459 
 
 is in Coptic, the original language, you know, of the 
 members of the first Lodge of Cemented Bricks. 
 Swordbearer and Deputy Past Pantile Foote will do 
 this for you. I must go and put my things on. 
 Remember, you mustn t recognise me when you come 
 into the Lodge. Adoo, Samiwel! keep your pecker 
 up." Mr. Verdant Green wrung his friend s hand, 
 pocketed his spectacles, and submitted to be blind 
 folded. 
 
 Mr. Footelights then took him by the hand, and 
 knocked three times at the door. A voice, which 
 Verdant recognised as that of Mr. Blades, inquired, 
 "Kilaricum luricum tweedlecum twee?" 
 
 To which Mr. Footelights replied, "Astrakansa 
 siphonia bostrukizon ! " and laid the cold steel blade 
 against Mr. Verdant Green s cheek in a way which 
 made that gentleman shiver. 
 
 Mr. Blades voice then said, " Swordbearer and 
 Deputy Past Pantile, pass in the neophyte who seeks 
 to be a Cemented Brick; " and Mr. Verdant Green was 
 thereupon guided into the room. 
 
 "Gropelos toldery loll remove the handkerchief," 
 said the voice of Mr. Blades. 
 
 The glare from numerous wax-lights, reflected as it 
 was from polished gold, silver, and marble, affected 
 Mr. Verdant Green s bandaged eyes, and prevented 
 him for a time from seeing anything distinctly, but 
 on Mr. Foote motioning to him that he might resume 
 his spectacles, he was soon enabled by their aid to 
 survey the scene. Around him stood Mr. Bouncer, 
 Mr. Blades, Mr. Flexible Shanks, and Mr. Foote. 
 Each held a drawn and gleaming sword; each wore 
 aprons, scarves, or mantles ; each was decorated with 
 
460 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 mystic masonic jewellery; each was silent and pre- 
 ternaturally serious. The room was large and was fur 
 nished with the greatest splendour, but its contents 
 seemed strange and mysterious to our hero s eyes. 
 
 " Advance the neophyte ! Oodiny dulipy sing! " said 
 Mr. Blades, who walked to the other end of the room, 
 stepped upon a dais, ascended his throne, and laid 
 aside the sword for a sceptre. Mr. Foote and Mr. 
 Flexible Shanks then took Mr. Verdant Green by 
 either shoulder, and escorted him up the room with 
 their drawn swords turned towards him, while Mr. 
 Bouncer followed, and playfully prodded him in the 
 rear. 
 
 In the front of Mr. Blades throne there was a spe 
 cies of altar, of which the chief ornaments were a large 
 sword, a skull and cross-bones, illuminated by a great 
 wax light placed in a tall silver candlestick. Silver 
 globes and pillars stood upon the dais on either side 
 of the throne; and luxuriously-velveted chairs and 
 rows of seats were ranged around. Before the altar- 
 like erection a small funereal black and white carpet 
 was spread upon the black and white lozenged floor; 
 and on this carpet were arranged the following arti 
 cles : a money chest, a ballot box (very like Miss 
 Bouncer s Camera), two pairs of swords, three little 
 mallets, and a skull and cross-bones the display of 
 which emblems of mortality confirmed Mr. Verdant 
 Green in his previously-formed opinion, that the 
 Lodge-room was a veritable chamber of horrors, and 
 he would willingly have preferred a visit to that 
 "lodge in some vast wilderness," for which the poet 
 sighed, and to have foregone all those promised bene 
 fits that were to be derived from Freemasonry. 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN 461 
 
 But wishing could not save him. He had no sooner 
 arrived in front of the skull and cross-bones than the 
 procession halted, and Mr. Blades, rising from his 
 throne, said, " Let the Sword-bearer and Deputy Past 
 Pantile, together with the Provincial Grand Mortar 
 board, do their duty! Ramohun roy azalea tong! 
 Produce the poker! Past Grand Hodman, remain on 
 guard! " 
 
 Mr. Foote and Mr. Flexible Shanks removed their 
 hands and swords from Mr. Verdant Green, and walked 
 solemnly down the room, leaving little Mr. Bouncer 
 standing beside our hero, and holding the drawn 
 sword above his head. Mr. Foote and Mr. Flexible 
 Shanks returned, escorting between them the poker. 
 It was cold! that was a relief. But how long was it to 
 remain so ? 
 
 " Past Grand Hodman ! " said Mr. Blades, " instruct 
 the neophyte in the primary proceedings of the 
 Cemented Bricks." 
 
 At Mr. Bouncer s bidding, Mr. Verdant Green then 
 sat down upon the lozenged floor, and held his knees 
 with his hands. Mr. Flexible Shanks then brought to 
 him the poker, and said, "Tetrao urogallus orygometra 
 crex ! The poker was then, by the assistance of Mr 
 Foote, placed under the knees and over the arms of 
 Mr. Verdant Green, who thus sat like a trussed fowl, 
 and equally helpless. 
 
 " Recite to the neophyte the oath of the Cemented 
 Bricks ! " said Mr. Blades. 
 
 " Ramphastidinae toco scolopendra tinnunculus crac- 
 ticornis bos!" exclaimed Mr. Flexible Shanks. 
 
 "Do you swear to obey through fire and water, and 
 bricks and mortar, the words of this oath?" asked 
 Mr. Blades from his throne. 
 
462 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 "You must say, I do!" whispered Mr. Bouncer to 
 Mr. Verdant Green, who accordingly muttered the 
 response. 
 
 " Let the oath be witnessed and registered by 
 Swordbearer and Deputy Past Pantile, Provincial 
 Grand Mortar-board, and Past Grand Hodman ! " said 
 
 Mr. Blades ; and the three gentlemen thus designated 
 stood on either side of and behind Mr. Verdant Green, 
 and, with theatrical gestures, clashed their swords over 
 his head. 
 
 "Keemo kimo lingtum nipcat! let him rise," said 
 Mr. Blades; and the poker was thereupon withdrawn 
 from its position, and Mr. Verdant Green, being un- 
 trussed, but somewhat stiff and cramped, was assisted 
 upon his legs. 
 
 He hoped that his troubles were now at an end; but 
 this pleasing delusion was speedily dispelled, by Mr. 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 463 
 
 Blades saying "The next part of the ceremonial is 
 the delivery of the red-hot poker. Let the poker be 
 heated ! " 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green went chill with dread as he 
 watched the terrible instrument borne from the room 
 by Mr. Foote and Mr. Flexible Shanks, while Mr. 
 Bouncer resumed his guard over him with the drawn 
 sword. All was quiet save a smothered sound from 
 the other side of the door, which, under other circum 
 stances, Verdant would have taken for suppressed 
 laughter; but, the solemnity of the proceedings 
 repelled the idea. 
 
 At length the poker was brought in, red-hot and 
 smoking, whereupon Mr. Blades left his throne and 
 walked to the other end of the room, and there took 
 his seat upon a second throne, before which was a 
 second altar, garnished as Mr. Verdant Green soon 
 perceived, to his horror and amazement with a 
 human head (or the representation of one) projecting 
 from a black cloth that concealed the neck, and, 
 doubtless, the marks of decapitation. Its ghastly 
 features were clearly displayed by the aid of a wax 
 light placed in a tall silver candlestick by its side. 
 
 Mr. Blades received the poker from Mr. Foote, and 
 commanded the neophyte to advance. Mr. Verdant 
 Green did so, and took up a trembling position to the 
 left of the throne, while Mr. Foote and Mr. Flexible 
 Shanks proceeded to the organ, which was to the right 
 of the entrance door. Mr. Blades then delivered the 
 poker to Mr. Verdant Green, who, at first, imagined 
 that he was required to seize it by its red-hot end, but 
 was greatly relieved in his mind when he found that 
 he had merely to take it by the handle, and repeat (as 
 30 
 
464 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 well as he could) a form of gibberish that Mr. Blades 
 dictated. Having done this he was desired to transfer 
 the poker to the Past Grand Hodman Mr. Bouncer. 
 
 He had just come to the joyful conclusion that the 
 much dreaded poker portion of the business was now 
 at an end, when Mr. Blades ruthlessly cast a dark 
 cloud over his gleam of happiness, by saying "The 
 next part of the ceremony will be the branding with 
 the red-hot poker. Let the organist call in the aid of 
 music to drown the shrieks of the victim ! " and, there 
 upon, Mr. Foote struck up (with the full swell of the 
 organ) a heart-rending air that sounded like "the cries 
 of the wounded " from the " Battle of Prague." 
 
 Now, it happened that little Mr. Bouncer like his 
 sister was subject to uncontrollable fits of laughter 
 at improper seasons. For the last half-hour he had 
 suffered severely from the torture of suppressed mirth, 
 and, now, as he saw Mr. Verdant Green s climax of 
 fright at the anticipated branding, human nature could 
 not longer bear up against an explosion of merriment, 
 and Mr. Bouncer burst into shouts of laughter, and, 
 with convulsive sobs, flung himself upon the nearest 
 seat. His example was contagious; Mr. Blades, Mr, 
 Foote, and Mr. Flexible Shanks, one after another, 
 joined in the roar, and relieved their pent-up feelings 
 with a rush of uproarious laughter. 
 
 At the first Mr. Verdant Green looked surprised, 
 and in doubt whether or no this was but a part of the 
 usual proceedings attendant upon the initiation of a 
 member into the Lodge of Cemented Bricks. Then 
 the truth dawned upon him, and he blushed up to his 
 spectacles. 
 
 " Sold again, Gig-lamps ! " shouted little Mr. Boun- 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 465 
 
 cer. " I did n t think we could carry out the joke so 
 far. I wonder if this will be hoax the last for Mr. 
 Verdant Green ? " 
 
 "I hope so indeed!" replied our hero; "for I have 
 no wish to continue a Freshman all through my college 
 life. But I 11 give you full liberty to hoax me again 
 if you can." And Mr. Verdant Green joined good- 
 humouredly in the laughter raised at his own expense. 
 
 Not many days after this he was really made a 
 Mason; although the Lodge was not that of the 
 Cemented Bricks, or the forms of initiation those 
 invented by his four friends. 
 
466 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN BREAKFASTS WITH MR. BOUNCER, 
 AND ENTERS FOR A GRIND. 
 
 ITTLE Mr. Bouncer had 
 abandoned his intention 
 of obtaining a licet migrare 
 to "the Tavern," and had 
 decided (the Dons being 
 propitious) to remain at Brazenface, in 
 the nearer neighbourhood of his friends. 
 He had resumed his reading for his degree; 
 and, at various odd times, and in various odd ways, he 
 crammed himself for his forthcoming examination 
 with the most confused and confusing scraps of knowl 
 edge. He was determined, he said, "to stump the 
 examiners." 
 
 One day, when Mr. Verdant Green had come from 
 morning chapel, and had been refreshed by the perusal 
 of an unusually long epistle from his charming North 
 umbrian correspondent, he betook himself to his 
 friend s rooms, and found the little gentleman not 
 withstanding that he was expecting a breakfast party 
 still luxuriating in bed. His curly black wig 
 reposed on its block on the dressing table, and the 
 closely-shaven skull that it daily decorated shone 
 whiter than the pillow that it pressed; for although 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 467 
 
 Mr. Bouncer considered that night-caps might be worn 
 by "long-tailed babbies," and by "old birds that were 
 as bald as coots," yet, he, being a young bird though 
 not a baby declined to ensconce his head within any 
 kind of white covering, after the fashion of the por 
 traits of the poet Cowper. The smallness of Mr. 
 Bouncer s dormitory caused his wash-hand-stand to be 
 brought against his 
 bed s head; and the 
 little gentleman had 
 availed himself of 
 this convenience, to 
 place within the 
 basin a blubbering, 
 bubbling, gurgling 
 hookah, from which a 
 long stem curled in 
 vine-like tendrils, 
 until it found a rest 
 ing place in Mr. 
 Bouncer s mouth. 
 The little gentleman lay comfortably propped on pil 
 lows, with his hands tucked under his head, and his 
 knees crooked up to form a rest for a manuscript book 
 of choice "crams," that had been gleaned by him 
 from those various fields of knowledge from which the 
 true labourer reaps so rich and ripe a store. Huz and 
 Buz reposed on the counterpane, to complete this pic 
 ture of Reading for a Pass. 
 
 "The top o the morning to you, Gig-lamps!" he 
 said, as he saluted his friend with a volley of smoke - 
 a salute similar as to the smoke, but superior, in the 
 absence of noise and slightness of expense, to that 
 
468 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 which would have greeted Mr. Verdant Green s approach 
 had he been of the royal blood " here I am ! sweat 
 ing away, as usual, for that beastly examination." 
 (It was a popular fallacy with Mr. Bouncer, that he 
 read very hard and very regularly.) "I thought I d 
 cut chapel this morning, and coach up for my Divinity 
 paper. Do you know who Hadassah was, old feller? " 
 
 " No ! I never heard of her. " 
 
 " Ha ! you may depend upon it, those are the sort of 
 questions that pluck a man," said Mr. Bouncer, who 
 thought as others like him have thought that the 
 getting up of a few abstruse proper names would be 
 proof sufficient for a thorough knowledge of the whole 
 subject. "But I m not going to let them gulph me a 
 second time; though, they ought not to plough a man 
 who s been at Harrow, ought they, old feller? " 
 
 "Don t make bad jokes." 
 
 " So I shall work well at these crams, although, of 
 course, I shall put on my examination coat, and trust 
 a good deal to my cards, and watch papers, and shirt 
 wristbands, and so on." 
 
 "I should have thought," said Verdant, "that after 
 those sort of crutches had broken down with you once, 
 you would not fly to their support a second time." 
 
 "Oh, I shall though! I must, you know!" replied 
 the infatuated Mr. Bouncer. " The Mum cut up doosid 
 this last time; you ve no idea how she turned on the 
 main, and did the briny! and, I must make things 
 sure this time. After all, I believe it was those Sec 
 ond Aorists that ploughed me." 
 
 It is remarkable, that, not only in Mr. Bouncer s 
 case, but in many others, also, of a like nature, gen 
 tlemen who have been plucked can always attribute 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 469 
 
 their totally-unexpected failures to a Second Aorist, 
 or a something equivalent to "the salmon," or "the 
 melted butter," or "that glass of sherry," which are 
 recognised as the causes for so many morning reflec 
 tions. This curious circumstance suggests an inter 
 esting source of inquiry for the speculative. 
 
 "Well!" said Mr. Bouncer meditatively ; "I m not 
 so sorry, after all, that they cut up rough, and ploughed 
 me. It s enabled me, you see, to come back here, 
 and be jolly. I shouldn t have known what to do 
 with myself away from Oxford. A man can t be 
 always going to feeds and tea-fights ; and that s all 
 that I have to do when I m down in the country with 
 the Mum she likes me, you know, to do the filial, 
 and go about with her. And it s not a bad thing to 
 have something to work at! it keeps what you call 
 your intellectual faculties on the move. I don t won 
 der at thingumbob crying when he d no more what- 
 dyecallems to conquer! he was regularly used up, I 
 dare say." 
 
 Mr. Bouncer, upon this, rolled out some curls of 
 smoke from the corner of his mouth, and then observed, 
 "I m glad I started this hookah! the judicious 
 Hooker, ain t it, Gig-lamps? it is so jolly, at night, 
 to smoke oneself to sleep, with the tail end of it in 
 one s mouth, and to find it there in the morning, all 
 ready for a fresh start. It makes me get on with my 
 coaching like a house on fire." 
 
 Here there was a rush of men into the adjacent 
 room, who hailed Mr. Bouncer as a disgusting Sybarite, 
 and, flinging their caps and gowns into a corner, forth 
 with fell upon the good fare which Mr. Robert Filcher 
 had spread before them ; at the same time carrying on 
 
4/0 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 a lively conversation with their host, the occupant oi 
 the bed-room. "Well! I suppose I must turn out, 
 and do tumbies ! " said Mr. Bouncer. So he got up, 
 and went into his tub; and, presently, sat down com 
 fortably to breakfast, in his shirt-sleeves. 
 
 When Mr. Bouncer had refreshed his inner man, and 
 strengthened himself for his severe course of reading 
 by the consumption of a singular mixture of coffee 
 and kidneys, beef-steaks and beer; and when he had 
 rested from his exertions, and had resumed his pipe 
 which was not "the judicious Hooker," but a short 
 clay, smoked to a swarthy hue, and on that account, as 
 well as from its presumed medicatory power, called 
 "the Black Doctor," -just then, Mr. Smalls, and a 
 detachment of invited guests, who had been to an early 
 lecture, dropped in to breakfast. Huz and Buz, setting 
 up a terrific bark, darted towards a minute specimen 
 of the canine species, which, with the aid of a power 
 ful microscope, might have been discovered at the feet 
 of its proud proprietor, Mr. Smalls. It was the first 
 dog of its kind imported into Oxford, and it was des 
 tined to set on foot a fashion that soon bade fair to 
 drive out of the field those long-haired Skye-terriers, 
 with two or three specimens of which species, he 
 entered the room. 
 
 "Kill em, Lympy!" said Mr. Smalls to his pet, 
 who, with an extreme display of pugnacity, was sub 
 mitting to the curious and minute inspection of Huz 
 and Buz. " Lympy " was a black and tan terrier, with 
 smooth hair, glossy coat, bead-like eyes, cropped ears, 
 pointed tail, limbs of a cobwebby structure, and so 
 diminutive in its proportions, that its owner was 
 accustomed to carry it inside the breast of his waist- 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 4/1 
 
 coat, as a precaution, probably, against its being 
 blown away. And it was called "Lympy," as an 
 abbreviation of "Olympus," which was the name 
 derisively given to it for its smallness, on the lucus a 
 non lucendo principle that miscalls the lengthy " brief " 
 of the barrister, the " living " not-sufficient-to^ 
 support-life of the poor vicar, the uncertain "certain 
 age," the unfair "fare," and the son-ruled "governor." 
 " Lympy" was placed upon the table, in order that 
 he might be duly admired; 
 an exaltation at which Huz 
 and Buz and the Skye-ter- 
 riers chafed with jealousy. 
 " Be quiet, you beggars ! 
 he s prettier than you!" 
 said Mr. Smalls : where 
 upon, a mild punster pres 
 ent propounded the canine 
 query, "Did it ever occur 
 to a cur to be lauded to the Skyes? " at which there 
 was a shout of indignation, and he was sconced by the 
 unanimous vote of the company. 
 
 "Lympy ain t a bad style of dog," said little Mr. 
 Bouncer, as he puffed away at the Black Doctor. 
 "He d be perfect, if he hadn t one fault." 
 
 "And what s his fault, pray?" asked his anxious 
 owner. 
 
 "There s rather too much of him!" observed Mr. 
 Bouncer, gravely. "Robert!" shouted the little gen 
 tleman to his scout; "Robert! doose take the feller, 
 he s always out of the way when he s wanted." And, 
 when the performance of a variety of octaves on the 
 post-horn, combined with the free use of the speaking- 
 
4/2 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 trumpet, had brought Mr. Robert Filcher to his 
 presence, Mr. Bouncer received him with objurga 
 tions, and ordered another tankard of beer from the 
 buttery. 
 
 In the mean time, the conversation had taken a 
 sporting turn. "Do you meet Drake s to-morrow?" 
 asked Mr. Blades of Mr. Four-in-hand Fosbrooke. 
 
 "No! the old Berkshire," was the reply. 
 
 "Where s the meet?" 
 
 "At Buscot Park. I send my horse to Thompson s, 
 at the Farringdon-Road station, and go to meet him 
 by rail." 
 
 "And, what about the Grind?" asked Mr. Smalls of 
 the company generally. 
 
 " Oh yes ! " said Mr. Bouncer, " let us talk over the 
 Grind. Gig-lamps, old feller, you must join." 
 
 "Certainly, if you wish it," said Mr. Verdant Green, 
 who, however, had as little idea as the man in the 
 moon what they were talking about. But, as he was 
 no longer a Freshman, he was unwilling to betray his 
 ignorance on any matter pertaining to college life; so, 
 he looked much wiser than he felt, and saved himself 
 from saying more on the subject, by sipping a hot 
 spiced draught, from a silver cup that was pushed 
 round to him. 
 
 "That s the very cup that Four-in-hand Fosbrooke 
 won at the last Grind," said Mr. Bouncer. 
 
 "Was it indeed!" safely answered Mr. Verdant 
 Green, who looked at the silver cup (on which was 
 engraven a coat-of-arms with the words "Brazenface 
 Grind. Fosbrooke," ) and wondered what "a Grind " 
 might be. A medical student would have told him 
 that a " Grind " meant the reading up for an examina- 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, 473 
 
 tion under the tuition of one who was familiarly 
 termed "a Grinder" a process which Mr. Verdant 
 Green s friends would phrase as "Coaching" under a 
 "Coach;" but the conversation that followed upon 
 Mr. Smalls introduction of the subject, made our 
 hero aware, that, to a University man, a Grind did 
 not possess any reading signification, but a riding one. 
 In fact, it was a steeple-chase, slightly varying in its 
 details according to the college that patronised the 
 pastime. At Brazenface, "the Grind" was usually 
 over a known line of country, marked out with flags 
 by the gentleman (familiarly known as Anniseed) who 
 attended to this business, and full of leaps of various 
 kinds, and various degrees of stiffness. By sweep 
 stakes and subscriptions, a sum of from ten to fifteen 
 pounds was raised for the purchase of a silver cup, 
 wherewith to grace the winner s wines and breakfast 
 parties; but, as the winner had occasionally been 
 known to pay as much as fifteen pounds for the day s 
 hire of the blood horse who was to land him first at the 
 goal, and as he had, moreover, to discharge many other 
 little expenses, including the by no means little one 
 of a dinner to the losers, the conqueror for the cup 
 usually obtained more glory than profit. 
 
 "I suppose you ll enter Tearaway, as before?" 
 asked Mr. Smalls of Mr. Fosbrooke. 
 
 "Yes! for I want to get him in condition for the 
 Aylesbury steeple-chase," replied the owner of "Tear- 
 away," who was rather too fond of vaunting his blue 
 silk and black cap before the eyes of the sporting 
 public. 
 
 "You ve not much to fear from this man," said Mr. 
 Bouncer, indicating (with the Black Doctor) the stal- 
 
474 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 wart form of Mr. Blades. "Billy s too big in the 
 Westphalias. Gig-lamps, you re the boy to cook 
 Fosbrooke s goose. Don t you remember what old 
 father-in-law Honeywood told you, that you might, 
 would, should, and could, ride like a Shafto? and lives 
 there a man with soul so dead, as Shikspur or some 
 other cove observes who wouldn t like to show what 
 stuff he was made of? I can put you up to a wrinkle," 
 said the little gentleman, sinking his voice to a whis 
 per. "Tollitt has got a mare who can lick Tearaway 
 into fits. She is as easy as a chair, and Jumps like a 
 cat. All that you have to do is to sit back, clip the 
 pig-skin, and send her at it; and, she 11 take you over 
 without touching a twig. He d promised her to me, 
 but I intend to cut the Grind altogether; it interferes 
 too much, don t you see, with my coaching. So I 
 can make Tollitt keep her for you. Think how 
 well the cup would look on your side-board, when 
 you ve blossomed into a parient, and changed the 
 adorable Patty into Mrs. Verdant. Think of that, 
 Master Gig-lamps!" 
 
 Mr. Bouncer s argument was a persuasive one, and 
 Mr. Verdant Green consented to be one of the twelve 
 gentlemen, who cheerfully paid their sovereigns to be 
 allowed to make their appearance as amateur jockeys 
 at the forthcoming Grind. After much debate, "the 
 Wet Ensham course" was decided upon; and three 
 o clock in the afternoon of that day fortnight was fixed 
 for the start. Mr. Smalls gained kudos by offering to 
 give the luncheon at his rooms; and the host of the 
 Red Lion, at Ensham, was ordered to prepare one of 
 his very best dinners, for the winding up of the day s 
 sport. 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 "I don t mind paying for it," said Verdant to Mr. 
 Bouncer, " if I can but win the cup, and show it to 
 Patty, when she comes to us at Christmas." 
 
 "Keep your pecker up, old feller! and put youi 
 trust in old beans/ was Mr. Bouncer s reply. 
 
47O THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN TAKES HIS DEGREE. 
 
 DURING the fortnight 
 that intervened be 
 tween Mr. Bouncer s 
 breakfast party and 
 the Grind, Mr. Ver 
 dant Green got him 
 self into training for 
 his first appearance 
 as a steeple-chase 
 rider, by practising a 
 variety of equestrian 
 feats over leaping- 
 bars and gorse-stuck 
 hurdles; in which he acquitted himself with tolerable 
 success, and came off with fewer bruises than might 
 have been expected. At this period of his career, too, 
 he strengthened his bodily powers by practising him 
 self in those varieties of the "manly exercises" that 
 found most favour in Oxford. 
 
 The adoption of some portion of these was partly 
 attributable to his having been made a Mason; for, 
 whenever he attended the meetings of his Lodge, he 
 had to pass the two rooms where Mr. MacLaren 
 conducted his fencing-school and gymnasium. The 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 477 
 
 fencing-room -which was the larger of the two, and 
 was of the same dimensions as the Lodge-room above 
 it was usually tenanted by the proprietor and his 
 assistant, (who, as Mr. Bouncer phrased it, "put the 
 pupils through their paces, ") and re-echoed to the sounds 
 
 of stampings, and the cries of "On guard! quick! 
 parry! lunge!" with the various other terms of 
 Defence and Attack, uttered in French and English. 
 At the upper end of the room, over the fire-place, was 
 a stand of curious arms, flanked on either side by files 
 of single-sticks. The centre of the room was left 
 clear for the fencing; while the lower end was occupied 
 by the parallel bars, a regiment of Indian clubs, and a 
 mattress apparatus for the delectation of the sect of 
 jumpers. 
 
 Here Mr. Verdant Green, properly equipped for the 
 
478 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 purpose, was accustomed to swing his clubs after the 
 presumed Indian manner, to lift himself off his feet 
 and hang suspended between the parallel bars, to leap 
 the string on to the mattress, to be rapped and thumped 
 with single-sticks and boxing-gloves by any one else 
 than Mr. Blades (who had developed his muscles in a 
 most formidable manner), and to go through his parades 
 of qnarte and tierce with the flannel-clothed assistant. 
 Occasionally he had a fencing bout with the good- 
 humoured Mr. MacLaren, who professionally pro 
 tected by his padded leathern plastron politely and 
 obligingly did his best to assure him, both by precept 
 and example, of the truth of the wise old saw, " mens 
 sana in corpore sano. " 
 
 The lower room at MacLaren s presented a very 
 different appearance to the fencing-room. The wall 
 to the right hand, as well as a part of the wall at the 
 upper end, was hung around not 
 
 " With pikes, and guns, and bows," 
 
 like the fine old English gentleman s, but, never 
 theless, 
 
 " With swords, and good old cutlasses," 
 
 and foils, and fencing masks, and fencing gloves, and 
 boxing gloves, and pads, and belts, and light white 
 shoes. Opposite to the door, was the vaulting-horse, 
 on whose wooden back the gymnasiast sprang at a 
 bound, and over which the tyro (with the aid of the 
 spring-board) usually pitched himself headlong. Then, 
 commencing at the further end, was a series of poles 
 and ropes the turning pole, the hanging poles, the 
 rings, and the trapeze^ on either or all of which the 
 pupil could exercise himself; and, if he had the skill 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 479 
 
 so to do, could jerk himself from one to the other, and 
 finally hang himself upon the sloping ladder, before 
 the momentum of his spring had passed away. 
 
 Mr. Bouncer, who could do most things with his 
 hands and feet, was a very distinguished pupil of Mr. 
 
 McLaren s; for the little gentleman was as active as a 
 monkey, and to quote his own remarkably figurative 
 expression was "a great deal livelier than the Bu- 
 and Butterfly. " 1 
 
 Mr. Bouncer, then, would go through the full series 
 of gymnastic performances, and finally pull himself up 
 
 1 A name given to Mr. Hope s Entomological Museum. 
 
480 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 the rounds of the ladder, with the greatest apparent 
 ease, much to the envy of Mr. Verdant Green, who, 
 bathed in perspiration, and nearly dislocating every 
 bone in his body, would vainly struggle (in attitudes 
 like to those of "the perspiring frog " of Count Smorl- 
 tork) to imitate his mercurial friend, and would finally 
 drop exhausted on the padded floor. 
 
 And, Mr. Verdant Green did not confine himself to 
 these indoor amusements; but studied the Oxford 
 Book of Sports in various out-of-door ways. Besides 
 his Grinds, and cricketing, and boating, and hunting, 
 he would paddle down to Wyatt s, for a little pistol 
 practice, or to indulge in the exciting amusement of 
 rifle-shooting at empty bottles, or to practise, on the 
 leaping and swinging poles, the lessons he was learn 
 ing at MacLaren s, or to play at skittles with Mr. 
 Bouncer (who was very expert in knocking down three 
 out of the four), or to kick football until he became 
 (to use Mr. Bouncer s expression) "as stiff as a 
 biscuit." 
 
 Or, he would attend the shooting parties given by 
 William Brown, Esquire, of University House; where 
 blue-rocks and brown rabbits were turned out of traps 
 for the sport of the assembled bipeds and quadrupeds. 
 The luckless pigeons and rabbits had but a poor chance 
 for their lives; for, if the gentleman who paid for the 
 privilege of the shot missed his rabbit (which was 
 within the bounds of probability) the other guns were 
 at once discharged, and the dogs of Town and Gown 
 let slip. And, if any rabbit was nimble and fortunate 
 enough to run this gauntlet with the loss of only a tail 
 or ear, and, Galatea-like, 
 
 " f ugit ad salices," 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 481 
 
 and rushed into the willow-girt ditches, it speedily fell 
 before the clubs of the "cads," who were there to 
 
 watch, and profit by the 
 sports of their more aris 
 tocratic neighbours. 1 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green 
 would also study the news 
 of the day, in the floating 
 reading-room of the Uni 
 versity Barge; and, from 
 these comfortable quar 
 ters, indite a letter to Miss 
 Patty, and look out upon the picturesque river with its 
 moving life of eights and four-oars sweeping past 
 with measured stroke. A great feature of the river 
 picture, just about this time, was the crowd of newly 
 introduced canoes; their occupants, in every variety 
 of bright-coloured shirts and caps, flashing up and 
 down a double paddle, the ends of which were painted 
 in gay colours, or emblazoned with the owner s crest. 
 But Mr. Verdant Green, with a due regard for his own 
 preservation from drowning, was content with looking 
 at these cranky canoes, as they flitted, like gaudy 
 dragon-flies, over the surface of the water. 
 
 Fain would the writer of these pages linger over 
 these memoirs of Mr. Verdant Green. Fain would he 
 tell how his hero did many things that might be 
 thought worthy of mention, besides those which have 
 been already chronicled ; but, this narrative has already 
 
 1 "The Vice-Chancellor, by the direction of the Hebdomadal 
 Council, has issued a notice against the practice of pigeon-shooting, 
 &c., in the neighbourhood of the University." Oxford Intelli 
 gence, Deer., 1854. 
 
482 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 reached its assigned limits, and, even a historian must 
 submit to be kept within reasonable bounds. 
 
 The Dramatist has the privilege of escaping many 
 difficulties, and passing swiftly over confusing details, 
 by the simple intimation, that "An interval of twenty 
 years is supposed to take place between the Acts." 
 Suffice it, therefore, for Mr. Verdant Green s histo 
 rian, to avail himself of this dramatic art, and, in a 
 
 very few sentences, to pass over the varied events of 
 two years, in order that he may arrive at a most impor 
 tant passage in his hero s career. 
 
 The Grind came off without Mr. Verdant Green 
 being enabled to communicate to Miss Patty Honey- 
 wood, that he was the winner of a silver cup. Indeed, 
 he did not arrive at the winning post until half-an-hour 
 after it had been first reached by Mr. Four-in-hand 
 Fosbrooke on his horse "Tearaway;" for, after nar 
 rowly escaping a blow from the hatchet of an irate 
 agriculturist who professed great displeasure at any 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR VERDANT GREEN. 483 
 
 one presuming to come a galloperin and a tromplin 
 over his fences, Mr. Verdant Green finally "came to 
 grief," by being flung into a disagreeably-moist ditch. 
 And though, for that evening, he forgot his troubles, 
 in the jovial dinner that took place at " the Red Lion," 
 yet the next morning, they were immensely aggra 
 vated, when the Tutor told them that he had heard of 
 the steeple-chase, and should expel every gentleman 
 who had taken part in it. The Tutor, however, relented, 
 and did not carry out his threat; though Mr. Verdant 
 Green suffered almost as much as if he had really 
 
 kept it. 
 
 The infatuated Mr. Bouncer madly persisted (despil 
 the entreaties and remonstrances of his friends) in 
 going into the Schools clad in his examination coat, 
 and padded over with a host of crams. His fate was 
 a warning that similar offenders should lay to heart, 
 and profit by; for the little gentleman was again 
 plucked. Although he was grieved at this on "the 
 Mum s" account, his mercurial temperament enabled 
 him to thoroughly enjoy the Christmas vacation at the 
 Manor Green, where were again gathered together the 
 same party who had met there the previous Christmas. 
 The cheerful society of Miss Fanny Green did much, 
 probably, towards restoring Mr. Bouncer to his usual 
 happy frame of mind , and, after Christmas, he gladly 
 returned to his beloved Oxford, leaving Brazenface, 
 and migrating ("through circumstances over which he 
 had no control," as he said) to "the Tavern." But 
 when the time for his examination drew on, the little 
 gentleman was seized with such trepidation, and 
 "funked" so greatly, that he came to the resolution 
 not to trouble the Examiners again, and to dispense 
 
484 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 with the honours of a Degree. And so, at length, 
 greatly to Mr. Verdant Green s sorrow, and "regretted 
 by all that knew him," Mr. Bouncer sounded his final 
 octaves and went the complete unicorn for the last 
 time in a College quad, and gave his last Wine 
 (wherein he produced some "very old port, my tea- 
 cakes! I ve had it since last term!") and then, as 
 an undergraduate, bade his last farewell to Oxford, 
 with the parting declaration, that, though he had not 
 taken his Degree, yet that he had got through with 
 great credit, for that he had left behind him a heap of 
 unpaid bills. 
 
 ^ By this time, or shortly after, many of Mr. Verdant 
 Green s earliest friends had taken their Degrees, and 
 had left College; and their places were occupied by a 
 new set of men, among whom our hero found many 
 pleasant companions, whose names and titles need not 
 be recorded here. 
 
 When June had come, there was a "grand Com 
 memoration," and this was quite a sufficient reason 
 that the Miss Honeywoods should take their first peep 
 at Oxford, at so favourable an opportunity. Accord 
 ingly there they came, together with the Squire, and 
 were met by a portion of Mr. Verdant Green s family, 
 and by Mr. Bouncer; and there were they duly taken 
 to all the lions, and initiated into some of the mys 
 teries of College life. Miss Patty was enchanted with 
 every thing that she saw even carrying her admira 
 tion to Verdant s undergraduate s gown and was 
 proudly escorted from College to College by her 
 enamoured swain. 
 
 " Pleasant it was, when woods were green, 
 And winds were soft and low," 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 485 
 
 when in a House-boat, and in four-oars, they made an 
 expedition ("a wine and water party," as Mr. Bouncer 
 called it) to Nuneham and, after safely passing through 
 the perils of the pound-locks of Iffley and Sandford, 
 arrived at the pretty thatched cottage, and pic-nic d 
 in the round-house, and strolled through the nut plan 
 tations up to Carfax hill, to see the glorious view of 
 Oxford, and looked at the Conduit, and Bab s-tree, 
 
 and paced over the little rustic bridge to the island, 
 where Verdant and Patty talked as lovers love to talk. 
 
 Then did Mr. Verdant Green accompany his lady 
 love to Northumberland; from whence, after spending 
 a pleasant month that, all too quickly, came to an end, 
 he departed (via Warwickshire) for a continental tour, 
 which he took in the company of Mr. and Mrs. Charles 
 Larkyns (nte Mary Green), who were there for the 
 honeymoon. 
 
 Then he returned to Oxford; and when the month 
 of May had again come round, he went in for his 
 
486 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 Degree examination. He passed with flying colours, 
 and was duly presented with that much-prized shabby 
 piece of paper, on which was printed and written the 
 following brief form: 
 
 GREEN VERDANT & Coll. yn. Fac. 
 Die 28 Mensis Mail Anni 185 
 
 Examinatus, prout Statuta requirunt, satisfecit nobis 
 Examinatoribus. 
 
 ij. SMITH. \ 
 
 GUL. BROWN. f Examinatores in 
 
 JAC. L. JONES, f Literis Humanio- 
 
 R. ROBINSON. ) ribus. 
 
 Owing to Mr. Verdant Green having entered upon 
 residence at the time of his matriculation, he was 
 obliged, for the present, to defer the putting on of his 
 gown, and, consequently, of arriving at the full dignity 
 of a Bachelor of Arts. Nevertheless, he had taken his 
 Degree de facto, if not de jure ; and he, therefore for 
 reasons which will appear gave the usual Degree 
 dinner, on the day of his taking his Testamur. 
 
 He also cleared his rooms, giving some of his things 
 away, sending others to Richards s sale-rooms, and 
 resigning his china and glass to the inexorable Mr. 
 Robert Filcher, who would forthwith dispose of these 
 gifts (much over their cost price) to the next Freshman 
 who came under his care. 
 
 Moreover, as the adorning of College chimney- 
 pieces with the photographic portraits of all the 
 owner s College friends, had just then come into 
 fashion, Mr. Verdant Green s beaming countenance 
 and spectacles were daguerreotyped in every variety 
 of Ethiopian distortion; and, being enclosed in minia- 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 487 
 
 ture frames, were distributed as souvenirs among his 
 admiring friends. 
 
 Then, Mr. Verdant Green went down to Warwick 
 shire; and, within three months, travelled up to 
 Northumberland on a special mission. 
 
488 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT 
 
 CHAPTER THE LAST. 
 
 MR. VERDANT GREEN IS MARRIED AND DONE FOR. 
 
 LASTHOPE S ruined 
 Church, since 
 it had become 
 a ruin which 
 was many a 
 long year ago 
 had never 
 held within its 
 mouldering 
 walls so nume- 
 ^p- rous a congre 
 gation as was 
 assembled 
 therein on one 
 
 particular September morning, somewhere about the 
 middle of the present century. It must be confessed 
 that this unusual assemblage had not been drawn to 
 gether to see and hear the officiating Clergyman (who 
 had never, at any time, been a special attraction), 
 although that ecclesiastical Ruin was present, and 
 looked almost picturesque in the unwonted glories of 
 a clean surplice and white kid gloves. But, this deco 
 rative appearance of the Ruin, coupled with the fact 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 489 
 
 that it was made on a week day, was a sufficient proof 
 that no ordinary circumstance had brought about this 
 goodly assemblage. 
 
 At length, after much expectant waiting, those on 
 the outside of the Church discerned the figure of small 
 Jock Muir mounted on his highly trained donkey, and 
 galloping along at a tearing pace from the direction of 
 Honeywood Hall. It soon became evident that he 
 was the advance guard of two carriages that were being 
 rapidly whirled along the rough road that led by the 
 rocky banks of the Swirl. Before small Jock drew 
 rein, he had struggled to relieve his own excitement, 
 and that of the crowd, by pointing to the carriages 
 and shouting, "Yon s the greums, wi the t other 
 priest!" the correctness of which assertion was speed 
 ily manifested by the arrival of the "grooms" in 
 question, who were none other than Mr. Verdant 
 Green and Mr. Frederick Delaval, accompanied by 
 the Rev. Mr. Larkyns (who was to "assist" at the 
 ceremony) and their "best men," who were Mr. 
 Bouncer and a cousin of Frederick Delaval s. Which 
 quintet of gentlemen at once went into the Church, 
 and commenced a whispered conversation with the 
 ecclesiastical Ruin. These circumstances, taken in 
 conjunction with the gorgeous attire of the gentlemen, 
 their white gloves, their waistcoats "equal to any 
 emergency" (as Mr. Bouncer had observed), and the 
 bows of white satin ribbon that gave a festive appear 
 ance to themselves, their carriage-horses, and postilions 
 sufficiently proclaimed the fact that a wedding 
 and that, too, a double one was at hand. 
 
 The assembled crowd had now sufficient to engage 
 their attention, by the approach of a very special train 
 
490 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 of carriages, that was brought to a grand termination 
 by two travelling-carriages, respectively drawn by four 
 greys, which were decorated with flowers and white 
 ribbons, and were bestridden by gay postilions in 
 gold-tasseled caps and scarlet jackets. No wonder 
 that so unusual a procession should have attracted 
 such an assemblage; no wonder that old Andrew 
 Graham (who was there with his well-favoured daugh 
 ters) should pronounce it "a brae sight for weak een. " 
 
 As the clatter of the carriages announced their near 
 approach to Lasthope Church, Mr. Verdant Green 
 who had been in the highest state of excitement, and 
 had distractedly occupied himself in looking at his 
 watch to see if it was twelve o clock; in arranging 
 his Oxford-blue tie; in futilely endeavouring to button 
 his gloves; in getting ready, for the fiftieth time, the 
 gratuity that should make the Ruin s heart to leap for 
 joy; in longing for brandy and water; and in attending 
 to the highly-out-of-place advice of Mr. Bouncer, rela 
 tive to the sustaining of his "pecker" Mr. Verdant 
 Green was thereupon seized with the fearful apprehen 
 sion that he had lost the ring; and, after an agonising 
 and trembling search in all his pockets, was only 
 relieved by finding it in his glove (where he had put 
 it for safety) just as the double bridal procession 
 entered the church. 
 
 Of the proceedings of the next hour or two, Mr. 
 Verdant Green never had a clear perception. He had 
 a dreamy idea of seeing a bevy of ladies and gentle 
 men pouring into the church, in a mingled stream of 
 bright-coloured silks and satins, and dark-coloured 
 broadcloths, and lace, and ribbons, and mantles, and 
 opera cloaks, and bouquets; and, that this bright 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 491 
 
 stream, followed by a rush of dark shepherd s-plaid 
 waves, surged up the aisle, and, dividing confusedly, 
 shot out from their centre a blue coat and brass but 
 tons (in which, by the way, was Mr. Honeywood), on 
 the arms of which were hanging two white-robed 
 figures, partially shrouded with Honiton-lace veils, 
 and crowned with orange blossoms. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green has a dim remembrance of the 
 party being marshalled to their places by a confused 
 clerk, who assigned the wrong brides to the wrong 
 bridegrooms, and appeared excessively anxious that 
 his mistake should not be corrected. Mr. Verdant 
 Green also had an idea that he himself was in that 
 state of mind in which he would passively have allowed 
 himself to be united to Miss Kitty Honeywood, or to 
 Miss Letitia Jane Morkin (who was one of Miss 
 Patty s bridesmaids), or to Mrs. Hannah More, or to 
 the Hottentot Venus, or to any one in the female 
 shape who might have thought proper to take his 
 bride s place. Mr. Verdant Green also had a general 
 recollection of making responses, and feeling much as 
 he did when in for his vivd vocc examination at college ; 
 and of experiencing a difficulty when called upon to 
 place the ring on one of the fingers of the white hand 
 held forth to him, and of his probable selection of the 
 thumb for the ring s resting place, had not the bride 
 considerately poked out the proper finger, and assisted 
 him to place the golden circlet in its assigned posi 
 tion. Mr. Verdant Green had also a misty idea that 
 the service terminated with kisses, tears, and con 
 gratulations ; and, that there was a great deal of writing 
 and signing of names in two documentary-looking 
 books; and that he had mingled feelings that it was 
 
492 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 all over, that he was made very happy, and that he 
 wished he could forthwith project himself into the 
 middle of the next week. 
 
 Mr. Verdant Green had also a dozy idea that he was 
 guided into a carriage by a hand that lay lovingly upon 
 his arm ; and, that he shook a variety of less delicate 
 hands that there were thrust out to him in hearty 
 northern fashion; and, that the two cracked old bells 
 of Lasthope Church made a lunatic attempt to ring a 
 wedding peal, and only succeeded in producing music 
 like to that which attends the hiving of bees; and, 
 that he jumped into the carriage, amid a burst of 
 cheering and God-blessings; and, that he heard the 
 carriage-steps and door shut to with a clang; and that 
 he felt a sensation of being whirled on by moving 
 figures, and sliding scenery; and, that he found the 
 carriage tenanted by one other person, and that per 
 son, his WIFE. 
 
 "My darling wife! My dearest wife! My own 
 wife! " It was all that his heart could find to sav. It 
 was sufficient, for the present, to ring the tuneful 
 changes on that novel word, and to clasp the little 
 hand that trembled under its load of happiness, and to 
 press that little magic circle, out of which the necrom 
 ancy of Marriage should conjure such wonders and 
 delights. 
 
 The wedding breakfast which was attended, among 
 others, by Mr. and Mrs. Poletiss (ntfe Morkins), and 
 by Charles Larkyns and his wife, who was now 
 
 " The mother of the sweetest little maid 
 That ever crow d for kisses," - 
 
 the wedding breakfast, notwithstanding that it was 
 such a substantial reality, appeared to Mr. Verdant 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 493 
 
 Green s bewildered mind to resemble somewhat the 
 pageant of a dream. There was the usual spasmodic 
 gaiety of conversation that is inherent to bridal ban 
 quets, and toasts were proclaimed and honoured, and 
 speeches were made indeed, he himself made one, of 
 which he could not recall a word. Sufficient let it be 
 for our present purpose, therefore, to briefly record 
 the speech of Mr. Bouncer, who was deputed to return 
 thanks for the duplicate bodies of bridesmaids. 
 
 Mr. Bouncer (who with some difficulty checked his 
 propensity to indulge in Oriental figurativeness of 
 expression) was understood to observe, that on interest 
 ing occasions like the present, it was the custom for 
 the youngest groomsman to return thanks on behalf of 
 the bridesmaids; and that he, not being the youngest, 
 had considered himself safe from this onerous duty. 
 For though the task was a pleasing one, yet it was one 
 of fearful responsibility. It was usually regarded as 
 a sufficiently difficult and hazardous experiment, when 
 one single gentleman attempted to express the senti 
 ments of one single lady; but when, as in the present 
 case, there were ten single ladies, whose unknown 
 opinions had to be conveyed through the medium of 
 one single gentleman, then the experiment became 
 one from which the boldest heart might well shrink. 
 He confessed that he experienced these emotions of 
 timidity on the present occasion. (Cries of " Ok ! " ) 
 He felt, that to adequately discharge the duties 
 entrusted would require the might of an engine of ten- 
 bridesmaid power. He would say more, but his 
 feelings overcame him. (Renewed cries of "Oh!") 
 Under these circumstances he thought that he had 
 better take his leave of the subject, convinced that the 
 
404 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 reply to the toast would be most eloquently conveyed 
 by the speaking eyes of the ten blooming bridesmaids. 
 (Mr. Bouncer resumes his seat amid great approbation.} 
 
 Then the brides disappeared, and after a time made 
 their re-appearance in travelling dresses. Then there 
 were tears and "doubtful joys," and blessings, and 
 farewells, and the departure of the two carriages-and- 
 four (under a brisk fire of old shoes) to the nearest 
 railway station, from whence the happy couples set 
 out, the one for Paris, the other for the Cumberland 
 Lakes; and it was amid those romantic lakes, with 
 their mountains and waterfalls, that Mr. Verdant 
 Green sipped the sweets of the honeymoon, and 
 realised the stupendous fact that he was a married 
 man. 
 
 The honeymoon had barely passed, and November 
 had come, when Mr. Verdant Green was again to be 
 seen in Oxford a bachelor only in the University 
 sense of the term, for his wife was with him, and they 
 had rooms in the High Street. Mr. Bouncer was also 
 there, and had prevailed upon Verdant to invite his 
 sister Fanny to join them and be properly chaperoned 
 by Mrs. Verdant. For, that wedding-day in Northum 
 berland had put an effectual stop to the little gentle 
 man s determination to refrain from the wedded state, 
 and he could now say with Benedick, " When I said I 
 would die a bachelor, I did not think I should live till 
 I were married." But Miss Fanny Green had looked 
 so particularly charming in her bridesmaid s dress, 
 that little Mr. Bouncer was inspired with the notable 
 idea, that he should like to see her playing first fiddle, 
 and attired in the still more interesting costume of a 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 495 
 
 bride. On communicating this inspiration (couched, 
 it must be confessed, in rather extraordinary language) 
 to Miss Fanny, he found that the young lady was far 
 from averse to assisting him to carry out his idea; 
 and in further conversation with her, it was settled 
 that she should follow the example of her sister Helen 
 (who was " engaged " to the Rev. Joskih Meek, now 
 the rector of a Worcestershire parish), and consider 
 herself as. "engaged" to Mr. Bouncer. Which face 
 tious idea of the little gentleman s was rendered the 
 more amusing from its being accepted and agreed to 
 by the young lady s parents and "the Mum." Sp 
 here was Mr. Bouncer again in Oxford, an " engaged " 
 man, in company with the object of his affections, 
 both being prepared as soon as possible to follow the 
 example of Mr. and Mrs. Verdant Green. 
 
 Before Verdant could "put on his gown," certain 
 preliminaries had to be observed. First, he had to 
 call, as a matter of courtesy, on the head of his Col 
 lege, to whom he had to show his Testamur, and 
 whose formal permission he requested that he might 
 put on his gown. 
 
 "Oh yes!" replied Dr. Portman, in his monosylla 
 bic tones, as though he were reading aloud from a 
 child s primer; "oh yes, cer-tain-ly! I was de-light 
 ed to know that you had pass-ed, and that you have 
 been such a cred-it to your col-lege. You will o-blige 
 me, if you please, by pre-sent-ing your-self to the Dean 
 of Arts." And then Dr. Portman shook hands with 
 Verdant, wished him good- morn ing, and resumed his 
 favourite study of the Greek particles. 
 
 Then, at an appointed hour in the evening, Verdant, 
 in company with other men of his college, went to the 
 32 
 
496 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 Dean of Arts, who heard them read through the Thirty- 
 Tiine Articles, and dismissed them with this parting 
 intimation " Now, gentlemen! I shall expect to see 
 you at the Divinity School in the morning at ten 
 o clock. You must come with your bands and gown, 
 snd fees; and be sure, gentlemen, that you do not 
 forget the fees!" 
 
 So in the morning Verdant takes Patty to the 
 Schools, and commits her to the charge of Mr. Bouncer, 
 who conducts her and Miss Fanny to one of the raised 
 seats in the Convocation House, from whence they will 
 have a good view of the conferring of Degrees. Mr. 
 Verdant Green finds the precincts of the Schools ten 
 anted by droves of college Butlers, Porters, and Scouts, 
 hanging about for the usual fees and old gowns, and 
 carrying blue bags, in which are the new gowns. Then 
 having seen that Mr. Robert Filcher is in attend 
 ance with his own particular gown he struggles 
 through the Pig-market, 1 thronged with bustling 
 Bedels and University Marshals, and other officials. 
 Then, as opportunity offers, he presents himself to the 
 senior Squire Bedel in Arts, George Valentine Cox, 
 Esq., who sits behind a table, and, in his polite and 
 scholarly manner, puts the usual questions to him, and 
 permits him, on the due payment of all the fees, to 
 write his name in a large book, and to place "Fil. 
 Gen." 2 after his autograph. Then he has to wait 
 some time until the superior Degrees are conferred, 
 and the Doctors and Masters have taken their seats, 
 
 i The derivation of this word has already been given. See 
 Part I. p. 62. 
 
 a /. e., Filius Generosi the son of a gentleman of independent 
 means. 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 497 
 
 and the Proctors have made their apparently insane 
 promenade. 1 
 
 Then the Deans come into the ante-chamber to see 
 if the men of their respective Colleges are duly pres 
 ent, properly dressed, and have faithfully paid the 
 
 fees. Then, when the Deans, having satisfactorily 
 ascertained these facts, have gone back again into the 
 Convocation House, the Yeoman Bedel rushes forth 
 with his silver "poker," and summons all the Bache 
 lors, in a very precipitate and far from impressive 
 manner, with " Now, then, gentlemen ! please all of 
 
 1 See note, Part I. p. 168. 
 
498 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 you to come in! you re wanted!" Then the Bachelors 
 enter the Convocation House in a troop, and stand 
 in the area, in front of the Vice-Chancellor and the 
 two Proctors. Then are these young men duly quizzed 
 by the strangers present, especially by the young 
 ladies, who, besides noticing their own friends, amuse 
 themselves by picking out such as they suppose to 
 have been reading men, fast men, or slow men 
 taking the face as the index of the mind. We may be 
 sure that there is a young married lady present who 
 does not indulge in futile speculations of this sort, but 
 fixes her whole attention on the figure of Mr. Verdant 
 Green. 
 
 Then the Bedel comes with a pile of Testaments, 
 and gives one to each man; Dr. Bliss, the Registrar 
 of the University, administers to them the oath, and 
 they kiss the book. Then the Deans present them to 
 the Vice-Chancellor in a short Latin form; and then 
 the Vice-Chancellor, standing up uncovered, with the 
 Proctors standing on either side, addresses them in 
 these words: "Domini, ego admitto vos ad lectionem 
 cujuslibet libri Logices Aristotelis; et insuper earum 
 Artium, quas et quatenus per Statuta audivisse tene- 
 mini; insuper autoritate mea et totius universitatis, 
 do vobis potestatem ihtrandi scholas, legendi, dis- 
 putandi, et reliqua omnia faciendi, quae ad gradum 
 Baccalaurei in Artibus spectant. " 
 
 When the Vice-Chancellor has spoken these remark 
 able words which, after three years of university 
 reading and expense, grant so much that has not 
 been asked or wished for, the newly-made Bachelors 
 rush out of the Convocation House in wild confusion, 
 and stand on one side to allow the Vice-Chancellarian 
 
THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 499 
 
 procession to pass. Then, on emerging from the Pig- 
 market, they hear St. Mary s bells, which sound to 
 them sweeter than ever. 
 
 Mrs. Verdant Green is especially delighted with 
 her husband s voluminous bachelor s gown and white- 
 furred hood (articles which Mr. Robert Filcher, when 
 helping to put them on his master in the ante-cham 
 
 ber, had declared to be "the most becomingest things 
 as was ever wore on a gentleman s shoulders"), and 
 forthwith carries him off to be photographed while the 
 gloss of his new glory is yet upon him. Of course, 
 Mr. Verdant Green and ail the new bachelors are most 
 profusely " capped ; " and, of course, all this servile 
 homage although appreciated at its full worth, and 
 repaid by shillings and quarts of buttery beer of 
 course it is most grateful to the feelings, and is as 
 
500 THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN. 
 
 delightfully intoxicating to the imagination as any 
 incense of flattery can be. 
 
 What a pride does Mr. Verdant Green feel as he takes 
 his bride through the streets of his beautiful Oxford ! 
 how complacently he conducts her to lunch at the 
 confectioner s who had supplied their wedding-cake! 
 how he escorts her (under the pretence of making pur 
 chases) to every shop at which he has dealt, that he 
 may gratify his innocent vanity in showing off his 
 charming bride ! how boldly he catches at the merest 
 college acquaintance, solely that he may have the 
 proud pleasure of introducing " My wife ! " 
 
 But what said Mrs. Tester, the bed-maker? "Law 
 bless you, sir!" said that estimable lady, dabbing her 
 curtseys where there were stops, like the beats of a 
 conductor s baton "Law bless you, sir! I ve bin a 
 wife meself, sir. And I knows your feelings." 
 
 And what said Mr. Robert Filcher? "Mr. Verdant 
 Green," said he, " I m sorry as how you ve done with 
 Oxford, sir, and that we re agoing to lose you. And 
 this I will say, sir! if ever there was a gentleman I 
 were sorry to part with, it s you, sir. But I hopes, 
 sir, that you ve got a wife as 11 be a good wife to you, 
 sir; and make you ten times happier than you ve been 
 in Oxford, sir!" 
 
 And so say we. 
 
 THE END, 
 
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