LIBRARY 
 
 UNIVERSITY OF 
 ^ CALIFORNIA 
 
I 
 
JESTS, 
 
 NEW AND OLD, 
 
 Containing Anecdotes of Celebrities, Living and Deceased, 
 many of which have never before been published. 
 
 Collected and Edited, with 
 PREFACE AND INDEX, 
 
 BY 
 
 W. CAREW HAZLITT, 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 J. W. JARVIS & SON, 
 
 28, KING WILLIAM STREET, STRAND, W.C. 
 
One of 100 special copies 07i Large 
 hand-made Paper interleaved. 
 
 LONDON : 
 
 S. AND J. BRAWN, PRINTERS, 13, GATE STREET, 
 
 HIGH HOLBORN, 
 
 <«'' 
 

 PREFACE. 
 
 rriHE present litttle volume is the result of some 
 collections made by the Editor in print and MS., 
 including a considerable number of items derived from 
 special sources, and not generally known. 
 
 The leading aim has been to bring within the com- 
 pass of a book of handy size the best and most 
 entertaining anecdotes to be found scattered through 
 a large assortment of literature of this class, and to 
 confine the selection to stories or jests about persons 
 of the present or last century, with the fewest possible 
 exceptions. 
 
 Several articles will be met with in the course of 
 these pages, indeed, which are probably new to the 
 readers of Ana and Facetice ; and even a certain pro- 
 portion relate to those who have not passed away from 
 among us. In these latter the Editor most sincerely 
 trusts that nothing will be encountered of a nature 
 calculated to annoy or offend the individual concerned; 
 for it has been by no means his desire or object to 
 
a PREFACE. 
 
 insert matter for the mere sake of raising a laugh or a 
 sneer. His collections were sufl&ciently ample to 
 enable him to exclude all that savoured of dulness or 
 undue personality. 
 
 The Editor has been a gatherer of all the good 
 things, which fell in his way of this character for 
 the last quarter of a century, and it must be owned 
 that there is very little that is deserving of permanent 
 preservation in the present line of study and research, 
 till we come to the century immediately behind us. The 
 humourists of earlier times had their quips and cranks 
 and quaint conceits ; but, regarded apart from the 
 period, opinions and circumstances, which gave them 
 birth, they fall flatly on our ears, and are principally 
 to be valued now-a-days as illustrations of manners 
 and modes of life alike bygone and obsolete. 
 
 It is proposed by the Editor, if the present attempt 
 is favourably received, to publish a companion volume 
 of AnecijOtes, historical and literary, formed on a 
 precisely similar principle, and presenting in its own 
 way features, doubtless, of at least equal interest. 
 
 W. C. H. 
 
 Barnes Common, Surrey, 
 Ghriitmas, 1886. 
 
ON JESTS IN GENERAL.* 
 
 rpHE printing of jest-books began here three hun- 
 -*- dred and odd years ago, and is going on still. 
 Yet, if the whole national stock of original wit were 
 to be gathered in and put into a book all by itself, 
 such a modest-looking pamphlet would come of it as 
 would be wonderful to most beholders. 
 
 The Sixty Club at Athens, in the time of Demos- 
 thenes, may, no doubt, be accepted as the earliest 
 institution of its kind. But of its transactions and 
 duration we do not possess very copious particulars, 
 as may be fairly supposed, though indeed the names of 
 some of the members have come down, with an anec- 
 dote how Philip ofMacedon sent the Club a handsome 
 present, regretting his inability to attend its meetings, 
 but asking for a collection of all the good sayings 
 which the Sixty had ever delivered. Whether this 
 appeal met with the response, which the king's bounty 
 and condescension so plentifully merited, no one ap- 
 pears to depose ; but, had it been otherwise, the Jest- 
 Book of the Athenian Sexagint would have heeu. facile 
 princeps, and have cast into the shade in point of 
 antiquity, if not of literary value, all other human 
 endeavoiu"s of this nature. The labours of Lucian 
 and Athenseus in the field of wit and exhilaration were 
 incidental and fragmentary. 
 
 * Reprinted from All the Year Round, 1867. 
 
ON JESTS IN GENERAL, 
 
 One Hierocles, in the early Christian days, spent 
 much of his time in researches into this highly 
 momentous subject : being the first positively authen- 
 ticated author upon it. He left behind him, as the 
 harvest of his labours, twenty-one jokes, which we may 
 securely believe were all that to his knowledge existed 
 up and down the world, after as many as five hundred 
 years of its Christian life were spent, in addition, as 
 many people are aware, to a previous four thousand. 
 Twenty-one jokes in four thousand five hundred years ! 
 Which is as much as to say, that the old world made 
 a joke once in about two hundred and fifty years, and 
 then took breath. 
 
 "What a stale, worn, threadbare thing that first joke 
 must have been when the second joke was made ! The 
 stock of fun was of course comparatively rich then ; 
 there was a glimpse of fertility. What an extra- 
 ordinary run there must have been upon the little 
 stranger % 
 
 So we see that for forty-five centuries the world was 
 in the habit of preparing its jokes with a stupendous 
 degree of deliberation and forethought ; and the inhabi- 
 tants of the universe (who lived, however, snugly in 
 a tiny corner of it) maintained themselves respec- 
 tably and comfortably during that period on twenty-one 
 facetiae. But a marvellous revolution was impending. 
 The world was meditating (speaking jocularly) a 
 gigantic and astounding spring. From twenty-one 
 jokes, the Hieroclean legacy, to twenty-one millions, 
 was like one step accomplished in a moment, or, in 
 ordinary language, in about thirteen hundred years. 
 Everything is comparative. Those first forty-five cen- 
 turies joked so slowly, that we get somehow into a 
 way of looking at them as if they had been mere 
 chronological atoms. Adding thirteen new centuries 
 
ON JESTS IN GENERAL. 
 
 to the old forty-five, brings us very nearly down to the 
 age in which we live — for argument's sake, say quite 
 to it. We stand at twenty-one million jokes. Are we 
 content 1 May twenty-one million jokes be regarded 
 as high-water mark ? The greatest nation in the world 
 ought to rest and be thankful with such an enormous 
 fortune. 
 
 These jokes have landed in England from all parts 
 of the world, and have been examined on disembarka- 
 tion by competent scholars. They have been taught 
 our language, and have had their clothes changed, so 
 that no one shovdd have the slightest suspicion of 
 their being born out of the country. 
 
 There is such a thing, we take it, as a nation being 
 too greedy ; wanting more jokes — not satisfied even 
 with twenty-one millions, and saying : " Take our 
 twenty-one million jokes, if you please. We are a 
 little sick of them : and give us a new joke or two." 
 It would not regard any honours as too high for the 
 author of a new joke, and people will do well to con- 
 sider the proper steps to be taken if the man should 
 appear, as one fine day he may. We anticipate that 
 he will be received with acclamation as one of the 
 great minds of the particular generation it may please 
 him to honour. The year in which he manifests 
 himself will enjoy a celebrity far beyond that of any 
 comet. How warily he would have to reconnoitre his 
 ground ! What cruelly hard work he would have of it, 
 eye-deep in jokes for years, to ascertain beyond the 
 possibility of a doubt that there was no little mistake 
 to the extent of a mare's-nest ! Probably his claim 
 would be referred to an international congress of aged 
 wits, representing every joke-producing country. 
 
 It would be of service to a gentleman desii'ous of 
 becoming the hero of this proud and interesting situa- 
 
vi ON JESTS IN GENERAL. 
 
 tiou to know exactly what a joke is. Joke (Latind, 
 jocua) is a piece of pleasantry, a sally, a jest : which, 
 to be perfect in all its parts, should have a point 
 (Latine, punctus), as a mouse has a tail. It happens 
 that some mice have no tails, and it happens that 
 some jokes have no points. If the statistics of the 
 twenty-one million extant jokes could be accurately 
 tabulated, it might result that a small per-centage 
 would have to be discounted for jokes in this predica- 
 ment. About one emerald in five hundred bears the 
 test of the microscope ; about one bull (Latine, taunis 
 jocosus) in fifty thousand proves to have a tail. 
 
 There are subtle likenesses in things apparently 
 unlike. As an expert in precious stones says to a man, 
 handing him back in perfectly cold blood his beautiful 
 diamond, " That is the best paste I ever saw," so an 
 assay er of modem facetiae returns your joke, with 
 " Clever, but in Lucian ;" or, " Hierocles was before 
 you!" or, "Very well put: but how capitally Eras- 
 mus brings that in in such and such a place." He 
 will get you in a comer somewhere. He has the whole 
 matter at his fingers' end. He knows every joke that 
 was ever made, who made it, why he made it, and how 
 many have made it since. 
 
 The fathers of typogi-aphy were probably the worst 
 enemies that the disciples of the joking craft ever had 
 to encounter. The invention of printing was posi- 
 tively a very gross inconvenience. Anybody who did not 
 happen to have been born, forsooth, in the fifth cen- 
 tury, and who made a joke, was henceforward to be 
 branded as a borrower, because Lucian had got it in 
 his " Hetairse," or Athenseus in his " DeipnosophistflB" 
 — as if it were likely that every one could be born at 
 once, and start even ! MSS. have a fortunate ten- 
 dency to turn to mould, but with printed books it is 
 
ON JESTS IN GENERAL. vii 
 
 different ; they keep on multiplying out of all reason, 
 and thrust themselves before people's eyes in a way 
 that leaves no chance for men coming (by no fault 
 of their own) after Erasmus and the rest of them. 
 Printing was precisely the kind of thing which, when 
 it had once started, there was no keeping within decent 
 limits. We can bring to mind but one consolation. 
 Some day this very press may take in hand those 
 venerable Irish manuscripts (if they are happily 
 preserved), the origin of which is lost in antiquity, 
 and of which it is alleged by (Irish) scholars that 
 Hierocles had the use. The history of the matter 
 seems to be that these unprinted treasures, compiled 
 in what was at that time the only spoken language, 
 have been sealed up for centuries somewhere ; but 
 their publication will establish the fact, doubtless, 
 that they are the longlost originals from which the 
 Chinese and other more modern nations have been 
 borrowing without the least acknowledgment. The 
 circumstantial testimony in favour of this supposi- 
 tion is regarded by competent (Irish) judges as 
 remarkably strong. They say, that out of the twenty 
 one million of jokes in circulation at present, no 
 fewer than nineteen million five hundred thousand 
 are clearly of Irish parentage. These inedited archives, 
 they say, only await an editor. When such a person 
 is found, there is no question that he will feel himself 
 under deep obligations to us for a few remarks which 
 we think we can place at his service, in support of 
 his general argument. 
 
 What can be more evidently Irish than this 1 The 
 book from which it comes was printed as lately as 
 1530. The printer carelessly dropped a word, 
 which we have supplied between brackets : " A cer- 
 tain [Irish] curate preaching on a time to his parish- 
 
ON JESTS FN GENERAL. 
 
 ionerSjSaid that our Lord with five loaves fed five hundred 
 persons. The clerk, hearing him fail, said softly in 
 his ear : " Sir, ye err ; the gospel is five thousand." 
 " Hold thy peace, fool," said the curate ; " they will 
 scarcely believe that they were five hundred." 
 
 There can be little question that the next article 
 oomes from the same source. It occurs in the same 
 modern work : — " There was a man that had a dull 
 lumpish fellow for his servant, wherefore he used com- 
 monly to call him the king of fools. The fellow [who 
 was an Irishman by birth] at last waxed angiy in 
 his mind to be always so called, and said to his master : 
 I would that I were the king of fools ; for then no 
 man could compare with me in largeness of kingdom, 
 and also you should b*^ my subject. By this we may 
 perceive that too much of one thing is not good ; many 
 one calls another foAl, that is more fool himself." 
 A volume might be filled with these examples. 
 
 We find, not very far back (comparatively speaking). 
 in fact, in Henry the Eighth's time, a physician of the 
 name of Borde putting forth what, with excessive 
 effrontery, he calls Gothamite Tales. But their true 
 extraction betrays itself in an instant. They are only 
 the tails of Irish bulls served up by a clever medical 
 gentleman to suit his own purposes — which they did ; 
 for his name being Andrew, the people called him 
 Merry Andrew then, and so it has been ever since. 
 
 These Gothamite Tales, though fragmentary and 
 most dishonourable plagiarisms from the Celtic, were 
 not unamusing, as, for instance : 
 
 " There was a man of Gotham did ride to market 
 with two bushels of wheat, and because his horse 
 should not bear heavy, he carried his corn upon his 
 own neck, and did ride upon his horse, because his 
 horse shovdd not carry so heavy a burden. Judge you, 
 which was the wisest, his horse or himself !" 
 
ON yESTS IN GENERAL. 
 
 Little England would shrink from competition with 
 her emerald sister in exuberant riches of fun ; yet she 
 has one small magazine of home-grown wit. This 
 magazine is of modest proportions, and does not 
 run into millions ; it is an even hundred, and no 
 more ; but most of the articles are of pure English 
 manufacture, and this small but independent country 
 is not to be bullied out of the proprietorship by any 
 forthcoming editors and publishers of Celtic MSS. 
 whomsoever. They are Britons born and bred, these 
 Hundred Merry Tales, and we have veiy little to 
 thank Hierocles or any other foreigner for in them, 
 from beginning to end. They and oiu-selves being of 
 the same blood, and, so to say, countrymen, we must 
 confess, indeed, frankly to the weakness of thinking 
 them a peg or two above Hierocles aforesaid, rather 
 beyond Lucian, about four times too good for Athe- 
 nseus and his friends — in short, not to err too much 
 on the side of partiality, nearly the best things of 
 the kind that have fallen under our limited obser- 
 vation. 
 
 These English tales have, for the most part, strong 
 and decided English characteristics, which shew them 
 to be no imported matter, no foreign goods, but of 
 strictly insular growth. It was at one time our 
 impression that the Hundred Meny Tales might have 
 been the invention of the same Doctor Andrew Borde, 
 of Pevensey, for whom is claimed the authorship of 
 the old Gothamite drolleries, Scoggin's Jests, and, 
 possibly, the Merry Tales of Skelton, Poet Laureat : 
 which last, according to the writer, are " very plea- 
 sant for the recreation of the mind." But, on re-perusal, 
 the Hundred Merry Tales strike us as being some 
 degrees too clever for Dr. Andrew's pen ; reminding 
 us of him only in their occasional latitude. They 
 
ON JESTS IN GENERAL. 
 
 were, evidently, the work of some one not dependent 
 on their sale, or he would have informed us, as the 
 compiler of Merry Tales and Quick Answers, ciro4 
 1530, took care to do, that they were " very merry and 
 pleasant to read," or were " full of sport and delightful 
 pastime," or some such bookseller's garnish. We feel 
 confident that this proceeded from some superior hand 
 indiflferent to the ordinary energetic expedients used 
 fc tickling coy palates. 
 
 The Merry Tales of Skelton have never been re- 
 garded by competent critics as of autobiogi'aphical 
 authority ; but that circumstance does not interfere 
 with their value as English produce, which they most 
 probably are. They were the fruit of some pleasant 
 gentleman's opulent fancy ; with which ft-uit he was 
 forbearing enough, on commercial grounds, to identify 
 a name more popular, pei'haps, than his own. There 
 are only fifteen of these stories, the naajority of which 
 are by no manner of means exhilarating, but, on the 
 contrary, either stupid merely, or stupid and indelicate 
 too. In fact, they are scarcely admissible within the 
 same category as the book we have lately dismissed with 
 praise. This is a collection of Jests quasi Joci — to 
 translate literally. Jokes ; but the Tales of Skelton, 
 are more strictly Jests quad Gesta, in the same sense 
 in which we say Gesta Romanorum (the queer doings 
 of the Romans). 
 
 There are three other compilations to which a 
 similar remark is applicable, namely, Scoggin's Jests, 
 Peele's Jests, and Tarlton's Jests — the last in a less 
 measure than the other two ; but still it is of a very 
 germane character. They resemble in structure and 
 treatment the Adventures of Howleglas, and even the 
 History of Friar Rush, in a far greater degree than 
 the Hundred Merry Tales, or the Tales of the 
 
ON JESTS IN GENERAL. 
 
 Gothamites. They come under the head of facetious 
 biography, or may be allowed almost a place among 
 the Ana ; for there is no denying the likelihood that 
 to some extent the material may have been derived 
 from actual incidents in the lives of the men. These 
 small books m^e indeed the early English Ana, and 
 some knowledge of them may be serviceable to those 
 students who are anxious to acquaint themselves 
 with the true character of the later English Ana, such 
 as the Sheridaniana, the Sydney Smithiana, and a 
 multitude more. 
 
 The Merry Jests and Witty Shifts of Scoggin scarcely 
 exhibit an item suitable for repetition. Many of the 
 stories were as old in his time, as the book itself is in 
 ours. We meet there with many ancient acquaintances, 
 as How Jack made of Two Eggs Three ; and there is 
 one morsel of facetiousness which is still being swal- 
 lowed almost nightly by a cheaply diverted public, 
 and which seems to possess the gift of remaining 
 perennially gi-een and fresh. It will continue, we pre- 
 dict, to amuse distant generations. We are alluding to 
 the account here found. How the Scholar said that Tom 
 Miller of Oseney was Jacob's Father. What would 
 the biographer of Scoggin have said if he could have 
 foreseen that this imported merriment would have lived 
 on in its native air ever so long, and, after centuries, 
 have migrated to the pleasant land of Ethiopia, from 
 ■which it has now returned to delight these shores iu 
 the society of Messrs. Christy and Co.? 
 
 Not looking for the moment at the great main 
 question, of which enough has been heard already, as 
 to the Alma Mater of all jokes whatsoever, whereso- 
 ever, and whensoever, it is to be predicated of the jokes 
 which ran in England in the sixteenth century that 
 they were doing exactly the same thing hi the seven- 
 
ON JESTS TN GENERAL. 
 
 teenth, and were not yet run down. People's ears 
 wearied, though, of a C Meny Tales, Merry Tales of 
 Skelton, and so forth, and caterers for novelties found 
 it imperative to " change the biU." So exeunt C. Merry 
 Tales, MeiTy Tales and Quick Answers, very merry 
 and pleasant to be read, Merry Tales of Skelton, and 
 the rest of the old company, and enter, with new 
 and startling effects, Pasquil and Mother Bunch, 
 Jack of Dover, Dobson, Hobson, Democritus Secundus, 
 Taylor (Water-poet to King Charles), and Hugh Peters : 
 each with his wallet brimming over with " screamers." 
 Most of this comic throng were men of buckram — 
 puppets in the showman's hands — nervis alienis mobile 
 lignum. But our ever-renowned literary waterman 
 must be excepted. He moved the strings himself; 
 his Wit and Mirth, as he calls it, was made in the 
 main out of honest materials, and was a good six- 
 pennyworth. Some of its flowers were culled from other 
 gardens, no doubt. Take this : — 
 
 *' A proper gentlewoman went to speak with a rich 
 miser that had more gout than good manners. After 
 taking leave, he requested her to take a cup of Canary. 
 She (contrary to his expectation) took him at his 
 word , and thanked him. He commanded Jeffrey 
 Starveling, his man, to wash a glasse and fill it to the 
 gentlewoman. Honest Jeffrey fill'd a great glass 
 about the bigness of two tailors' thimbles, and gave it 
 to his master, who kissed it to save cost, and gave it to 
 the gentlewoman, saying that it was good Canary of six 
 years old at the least ; to whom she answered (seeing 
 the quantity so small), * Sir, as you requested me, I 
 have tasted your wine ; but I wonder that it should be 
 so little, being of such a great age.' " 
 
 Poor Taylor did not know how to tell a story as well 
 as Lucian ; but the drawback is, that Lucian relates 
 
ON JESTS IN GENERAL. 
 
 this of a gentlewoman who was very far from being 
 ** proper ;" in very sooth, both he and Athenseiis give 
 it, and of different ladies, neither of whom would 
 satisfy the modern standard of gentility or decorum. 
 On the whole, however, the water-poet sins by no 
 means so gi-ievously as other men ot his century, who 
 were worse thieves than he was, and more bungling. 
 As it will wound nobody's feelings, we do not mind 
 asserting our belief that the gentlemen who availed 
 themselves of the freedom of the press to bi'ing on 
 to the stage Pasquil (with Mrs. Bunch), Hobson, Dob- 
 aon, and the rest, in old motley furbished up to look 
 like new, were persons sincerely to be compassionated. 
 There is a greater variety, too, in Taylor's Wit and 
 Mirth than in many of its fellows. The collection 
 contains examples of the joke in its succincter and 
 more epigrammatic forms — what used to be termed 
 Clinches anxi Conceits — approaching, in fact, more 
 nearly to the modern joke, as it is usually under- 
 stood. 
 
 But the book best answering to this description is, 
 Conceits, Clinches, Flashes, and Whimsies, 1639, the 
 reputed handiwork of Robert Chamberlain, a Lanca- 
 shire man, and his friends. He was in the habit of 
 noting down, like a smaller Athenseus, what was said 
 at table over the wine, and his notes in time made a 
 volume which somebody thought worth printing. We 
 are without information as to the degree of Chamber- 
 lain's personal responsibility, and seeing that he was 
 a writer of some average poetry and of a drama, we 
 may venture to assume that all the good things are 
 his, and all the bad things his friends'. He addressed 
 his publication to the reader, quaintly enough, as " the 
 producements of some vapouring hours ;" with a wish 
 that the reader might be as meriy in the reading as he 
 
ON JESTS IN GENERAL. 
 
 and some other of his friends had been in speaking of 
 them. 
 
 If the reader will take our word for it, Mr. Cham- 
 berlain's table-talk is very much in this style — we 
 say Mr. Chamberlain's, because we pick the best we 
 can find : 
 
 " One put a jest upon his friend. ' Oh,' said his 
 friend, ' that I could but see your brains ! I would 
 even hug them for this jest.' " 
 
 " One wondered much what great scholar this same 
 Finis was, because his name was almost to every book." 
 We apprehend that Mr, Chamberlain has the Spectator 
 on the hip there. 
 
 Good wit must be good in more than one sense now 
 to be fit for circulation. Our earliest book of facetiae, 
 the Hundred Merry lales, has less to answer for on 
 this score than its successors ; but when we have 
 passed the middle of the seventeenth century and 
 reach the Restoration, this class of works is most 
 foully tainted with the leaven of uncleanness, and it 
 may be accepted as a pretty safe rule that the most 
 unpresentable jokes are also the most vapid. It was 
 Roscommon who said, that " want of decency was want 
 of sense." 
 
 W. C. H. 
 
 i/ 
 
yESTS, NEW ^ OLD. 
 
 I. 
 
 WALKING one day, to dine with a friend, some 
 miles from Cambridge, Dr. Parr was overtaken 
 by a heavy fall of rain, and not being able to procure 
 shelter, was completely drenched before he reached his 
 destination. With linen and clothes his friend was 
 able to furnish him, but his handkerchief was obliged 
 to supply the absence of his wig, which was sent to 
 the kitchen to be dried. After a time, the doctor ex- 
 claimed, with much animation, and with his accus- 
 tomed lisp, " How very kind of you, my dear friend, to 
 remember my love for roth gootlieP But his host, on 
 going into the kitchen to ascertain the cause of so 
 savoury a smell, found it was the doctor's wig smoking 
 by the fire ! * 
 
 lA. 
 
 IN a village of Picardy, after a long sickness, a 
 farmer's wife fell into a lethargy. Her husband 
 was willing, good man, to believe her out of pain ; 
 and so, according to the custom of that country, she 
 was wrapped in a sheet, and cai'ried out to be buried. 
 But as ill luck would have it, the bearers carried her 
 
 * About forty years ago, this very story was iu circulation 
 at Cambridge about the Revereud Kichard P'armer, Master of 
 Emmanuel College, who died in 1798. The Editor's infor- 
 mant was a fellow of Emmanuel, and a descendant of Dr 
 Farmer. 
 
 B 
 
ySSTS, NEW ^^ OLD. 
 
 so near a hedge, that the thorns pierced the sheet, and 
 waked the woman from her trance. Some years after, 
 she died in reahty ; and as the funeral passed along, 
 the husband would every now and then call out, " Not 
 too near the hedge, not too near the hedge, neigh- 
 bours." 
 
 II. 
 
 WHEN Churchill's Prophecy of Famine, which is 
 undoubtedly his finest poem, made its appear- 
 ance, the sale was rather dull. Meeting his publisher 
 in the pit of one of the theatres, Churchill asked him 
 if he heard how it sold? Mr. K. informed him the 
 sale was extensive since the Reviewers damned it. 
 " Aye," says the poet, ' that is fulfilling the scripture,' 
 * Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings I have ob- 
 tained strength.' " 
 
 in. 
 A CLOWN, in Berkshire, employed to draw timber 
 from a wood, met with an oak trunk of so large a 
 size, that the tackle he made use of to place it on the 
 carriage broke twice on the trial. Hodge flung his 
 hat on the ground, and scratching his head with much 
 vexation, exclaimed, " D — n the liogs that did not eat 
 thee when thee was an acorn^ and then I should not 
 have had this trouble with thee." 
 
 IV. 
 
 THE principal inn at the head of Windermere had 
 been known as the Cock ; but the landlord, by 
 way of compliment to Dr. Watson, bishop of Llandaff, 
 who resided at the lakes through ill health, substituted 
 the Bishop as a sign. An inn-keeper, close by, who 
 had frequently envied mine host of the Cock his good 
 fortune in securing a considerable preponderance of 
 visitors, took advantage of the change, and put up the 
 
yESTS, NEW &> OLD. 
 
 sign over his own door. The landlord of the Bishop 
 was much discontented at seeing many of his old cus- 
 tomers deposited at his rival's house ; so, by way of 
 remedy, he painted up in staring red letters under the 
 portrait of Bishop Watson, " This is the Old Cock." * 
 
 V. 
 
 THE Duchess of Cleveland once came to Charles II. 
 with a complaint that, whenever she met Nell 
 Gwynne in the street, the latter put her head out of the 
 coach, and made mouths at her. " Well then,"says the 
 King, " the next time you meet Nelly, and she makes 
 mouths at you, do you make mouths at her again." 
 
 VI. 
 
 GAINSBOROUGH was a witness in some suit, where 
 he happened to speak of the " painter's eye " in 
 a professional sense. The counsel for the other side, 
 wanting to confuse him, said to him, " And pray, sir, 
 what do you mean by the painter's eye 1 " " Why," 
 answered Gainsborough, readily, " it is the same to an 
 artist that a lawyer's tongue is to him." 
 
 vii. 
 
 CHARLES Lamb's landlord was in the habit of 
 charging him for friends who dined with him at 
 the rate of a shilling a head, but when Wordsworth 
 come, he put down eighteenpence in the bill. " Why, 
 how is this ] " Lamb demanded ; " an extra sixpence ! 
 Mr. Wordsworth, you know, is a great poet." "Don't 
 know about great poet," mine host rejoined, rather 
 sulkily, " but know he eats a great lot." 
 
 * This is another reading of the story of the Duke of Cum- 
 berland and the Original Old Grey Ass, of which Mr. Gunning, 
 when he introduced it into his " Reminiscences of Cambridge," 
 1854, does not seem to have been aware. 
 
 b2 
 
yESTS, NEW df OLD. 
 
 VIII. 
 
 SOME one was speaking of himself to a friend as a 
 great novel reader, The other asked him if he 
 had ever read Ten Thousand a Year (meaning Warren's 
 book). But the first, misunderstanding, answered, 
 "Good heavens, no; I never read so many in the 
 whole course of my life." 
 
 IX. 
 
 THE late Lord Lytton happened to be addressing 
 some public assembly, and his utterance was so 
 slow and indistinct, that his remarks were barely 
 audible. " Ah ! " said somebody, "it is clear that liia 
 lordship does not care to mix with the vulgar herd." 
 
 X. 
 
 A TRAVELLER to a firm in Watling-street, being 
 on a journey, was attacked a few miles beyond 
 Winchester by a single highwayman who, taking him 
 by surprise, robbed him of his purse and pocket-book, 
 containing cash and notes to a considerable amount. 
 " Sir (said the rider with great presence of mind), I 
 have suffered you to take my property, and you are 
 welcome to it. It is my master's, and the loss cannot 
 do him much harm ; but as it will look very cowardly 
 in me, to have been robbed without making any de- 
 fence, I should take it kindly of you just to fire a 
 pistol through my coat." " With all my heart (said 
 the highwayman), where will you have the ball i " — 
 "Here (said the traveller), just by the side of the button." 
 The unthinking highwayman Was as good as his word ; 
 but the moment he fired, the traveller knocked him off 
 his horse, and, with the assistance of another traveller, 
 who just at that time arrived, lodged the highwayman 
 in Winchester Gaol. 
 
yESTS, NEW &> OLD. 
 
 XI. Two OF A Trade. 
 A fisherman one morn display'd 
 
 Upon the Steine his net ; 
 CoRiNNA could not promenade, 
 
 And 'gan to fume and fret. 
 
 The fisher cried, Give o'er the spleen, 
 
 We both are in one line ; 
 You spread your net upon the Steine, 
 
 Why may not I spread mine 1 
 
 Two of a trade can ne'er agree 
 'Tis that which makes you sore ; 
 
 I fish for flat fish in the sea. 
 And you upon the shore. 
 
 XII. 
 
 GEORGE Rose, when Secretary of the Treasury, 
 being asked by an intimate friend, why he did 
 not promote merit, with much simplicity retorted, 
 " Did merit promote me ? 
 
 XIII. 
 
 BEN JONSON, owing a landlord some money, kept 
 away from his house. The vintner, meeting him 
 by chance, asked him for what was owing him, but at 
 the same time told him, that if he would come to his 
 house, and answer him four questions, he would forgive 
 him the debt. To this proposal Ben very readily 
 assented, and at the time appointed waited upon the 
 landlord, who produced a bottle of wine, and then put 
 to him these questions, " First, What pleases God ? 
 Secondly, What pleases the devil 1 Thirdly, What 
 pleases the world 1 And lastly, What pleases me t " 
 " Well," says Ben, directly : 
 
JESTS, NE W dr- OLD. 
 
 " God is best pleased when man forsakes his sin ; 
 The devil's best pleased when men persist therein ; 
 The world's best pleased when you do draw good wine ; 
 And you'll be best pleased when I pay for mine." 
 
 The vintner was so well pleased with this impromptu, 
 that he gave Ben a receipt in full for his debt, and 
 treated him with a bottle into the bargain. 
 
 XIV. 
 
 AT the close of that season in which Shuter became 
 so celebrated in the character of Master Stephen, 
 in the comedy of "Every Man in his Humour," he 
 was engaged to perform a few nights in a principal 
 city in the north of England. It happened that the 
 stage he went down in (and in which there was only 
 an old gentleman and himself) was stopped on the 
 other side of Finchley Common by a highwayman, who, 
 having put the usual compliments to the old gentle- 
 man, and received his contribution, turned towards 
 Shuter, who sat on the other side of the coach asleep, 
 or at least pretending to be so ; saluting him with a 
 smart slap on the face, and presenting his pistol, he 
 commanded him to deliver bis money instantly, or he 
 was a dead man. " Money ! " returns the droll, with a 
 shrug, yawn, and countenance inexpressibly vacant, 
 " Oh ! sir, they never trusts me with any, for nuncle 
 here always pays for me, turnpikes and all, your 
 h jnour." The highwayman gave him a few curses for 
 his stupidity, and rode off, while the old gentleman 
 grumbled ; and Shuter, with infinite satisfaction and 
 mirth, pursued the rest of his journey. 
 
 XV. 
 
 THE Earl of Derby, who lived in the reigns of James 
 and Charles I , wore such plain apparel, that he 
 could not be distinguished by his garb from the better 
 
JESTS, NEW &> OLD. 
 
 sort of farmers ; and, coming to Court in his ordinary- 
 habit, he was denied entrance into the Privy Chamber by 
 a fine-dressed Scot, who told him that this was no 
 place for ploughmen. The king, hearing a dispute at 
 the chamber door, came out to know what occasioned 
 it. To whom the earl said, " Nothing, my liege ; but 
 your countrymen, having left their manners and their 
 rags behind them in Scotland, neither know them- 
 selves nor their betters." The king, being angry at the 
 affront offered to so great a man, said, " My good Lord 
 Derby, I am sorry for the affront given you by my 
 servant ; and, to make your lordship satisfaction, I 
 will command him to be hanged, if your lordship de- 
 sires it." . The earl replied, " That is too small an 
 atonement for the afiront put upon my honour, and I 
 expect his punishment should be more exemplary." 
 " Name it, my lord," said the king, '* and it shall be 
 done." " Why then," said the earl, " I desire your 
 Majesty will send him back to Scotland again." 
 
 xvr. 
 
 DOCTOR MOUNTAIN, chaplain to King James I., 
 and Dean of Westminster, waiting upon His 
 Majesty when he was walking in St. James's Park, the 
 king said that he was more troiibled how to dispose of 
 the bishopric of London, which was then vacant, than 
 he was about anything in his life; "for," said he, "there 
 are many who apply for it with so strong an interest, 
 that I know not to whom to give it." The doctor told 
 His Majesty, that if he had faith, he might easily dis- 
 pose of it. " How % " asked the king. " If your Majesty," 
 returned the doctor, " had as as much faith as a grain 
 of mustard-seed, you might say to this Mountain : 
 ' Be thou removed, and be thou cast into that see.' " 
 
8 yESTS, NE W &• OLD. 
 
 XVII. 
 
 SOME one said to Sir Charles Hanbury Williams, 
 who had been minister at several courts, what a 
 happy man he must have been to have conversed with 
 so many crowned heads. " Faith," replied he, " I never 
 could find that ovit ; they were the dullest company I 
 ever kept." 
 
 XVIII, 
 
 TTOW much is it to be lamented," said a gentlc- 
 -*--*- man, "that Sir Joshua Reynolds was not 
 careful to use colours that would stand. Some of his 
 best pieces are already spoiled from this neglect." 
 " True," said the Duchess of Devonshire, " he has al- 
 ways come off with ^ym^ colcnirs." 
 
 XIX. 
 
 AT the encl of March, 1781, Lord Bateman waited 
 upon King George III., and, with a very low 
 bow, begged to know at what hour his majesty would 
 please to have the stag hoimds turned out. " I cannot 
 exactly answer that," replied the king, " but I can in- 
 form you, that your lordship was turned out about two 
 hours ago." 
 
 XX. 
 
 /^ EORGE III. in one of his morning rides, noticed 
 ^^ Mr. Blanchard's pretty house on Richmond Hill ; 
 and being told it belonged to a card-maker, he observed, 
 "What! what! what! a card-maker! aU his ca7xls 
 must have turned up trumps." 
 
 XXI. 
 
 A JACK tar having been long in a French prison, 
 -^^ was asked on his return, whether he had not got 
 a smattering of their lingo ? " No," replied Jack, "they 
 
^ESTS, NEW ^^ OLD. 
 
 call things by wrong names ; they call a hor&e a shovel, 
 and a Jmt a chopper" 
 
 XXII. 
 
 SOME one once sent a piece to Elliston on approval, 
 and, hearing nothing of it, went to inquire. " My 
 dear sir," said the manager, " I really know nothing 
 whatever about this MS. of yours. Pray, what was 
 the play called ? " The other told him. " And the 
 plot 1 " The dramatist explained. " Well," exclaimed 
 Elliston, " I am very sorry, indeed ; I recollect nothing 
 of it, but (opening a drawer full of MSS.)you can take 
 any three of these you please." 
 
 XXIII. 
 
 JERROLD observed to a brother dramatist — Mr. P — 
 who \ras not particularly remarkable for the ori- 
 ginality of his plots — that he could never bear to goto 
 the theatre on the first night of one of his own plays. 
 Mr. P — expressed much surprise. " Oh," said Jerrold, 
 " it excites me too much." Mr. P — assured him that 
 he had never felt anything of the kind. " Ah ! no," 
 returned .the wit, " but ^our pieces have been acted 
 before." 
 
 XXIV. 
 
 T ORD P , being one night at a puppet-show, was 
 
 -L^ so struck with the pleasant sallies of Punch, that 
 he resolved to purchase him, and gave Flockton his 
 own price for that merry wag. Next morning he wrote 
 cards of invitation to his acquaintance, requesting 
 their company, as he had made acquaintance with one 
 of the merriest fellows he had ever met, and that the 
 choice spirit would take the chair precisely at four 
 d'clock. In consequence of these invitations his lord- 
 ship had anumoroiis set of guests, and Punch presided. 
 
10 JESTS, NEW ^ OLD. 
 
 After the usual ceremonies, all being seated, his lord- 
 ship was astonished, that the genius had not yet 
 opened his mouth. " Come, Punch," said he, '' say a 
 good thing." Not a syllable in reply, " What," re- 
 sumed his lordship, " are you so sulky for to-day 1 you 
 were facetious enough last night." Still Punch re- 
 mained silent ; when at length, his lordship was so 
 provoked and enraged at the dissapointment, that he 
 took Punch by the collar, and kicked him down 
 stairs, 
 
 XXV. 
 
 SOUTHERN, the poet, once wrote a dedication to 
 John, Duke of Argyle. It was shewn to his grace 
 in manuscript, and he objected to one part as too 
 complimentary, to another as inelegant in the con- 
 struction ; and to another, as not belonging to the 
 subject. On this occasion, Southern wrote the follow- 
 ing stanzas : 
 
 Argyle, his praise when Southern wrote, 
 First struck out this, and then that thought ; 
 Said, this was flatteiy, that a fault, 
 How shall the bard contrive 1 
 
 " My lord, consider what you do ; 
 He'll lose his pains and vei'ses too, 
 For if the lines wiU not fit 2/ou, 
 They'll serve no man alive." 
 
 XXVI. 
 
 TOM SHERIDAN once mentioned to his father that 
 he thought of going down a coal mine. " Go down 
 a coal mine ! " exclaimed the other, astonished ; " what 
 is your reason 1 " " Oh ! " said Tom, " I think it would 
 be rather a nice thing to say that one had been down 
 a pit." " Well, but you can sa^/ so," returned his 
 father. 
 
yESTS, NEW &> OLD. ii 
 
 XXVII. 
 
 SHERIDAN told his son that he thought it was high 
 time for him to take a wife. " Whose wife shall I 
 take, sir % " was the inquiry. 
 
 xxvm. 
 
 ONE of JeiTold's. acquaintances, in trying to make it 
 as clear as possible to him how closely their 
 interests corresponded, observed at last, "In fact, you 
 know, we row in the same boat." " With what differ- 
 ent sculls ! " replied Jerrold. 
 
 XXIX. 
 
 CHARLOTTE Smith was walking along Piccadilly, 
 when the tray of a butcher's boy came in sudden 
 contact with her shoulder, and dirtied her dress. " The 
 deuce take theti*ay," exclaimed she, in a pet : " Ah, 
 but the deuce can't take the tray" replied the boy, with 
 the greatest gravity. 
 
 XXX. 
 
 WHEN Foote went first to Scotland, he was en- 
 quiring of an old highlander, who had formerly 
 been prompter to the Edinburgh theatre, about the 
 state of the country, with respect to travelling, living, 
 manners, &c., of all which the Scot gave him very 
 favourable accounts. " Why, then," said Foote, " with 
 about 300^. a year one may live like a gentleman in 
 your country." " In truth, master Foote," replied 
 his informant, " I cannot tell that, for as I never knew 
 a man there who spent half that sum, I don't know 
 what may come into his head, who would attempt to 
 squander the whole" 
 
 XXXI. 
 
 WHEN Sir Thomas More was one day on the flat 
 leaded roof of his house at Chelsea, a lunatic 
 
yESTS, NEW &' OLD. 
 
 succeeded somehow in getting to him, and tried to 
 throw him down, crying, " Leap, Tom, leap." The 
 Chancellor was in his dressing-gown, and besides, was 
 too old a man to have any chance against the madman. 
 Sir Thomas had a little dog with nim. " Let's thi'ow 
 him down first," said he, " and see what good fun that 
 will be ; " so the fellow took up the animal, and threw 
 him down. " Now," said More, " run and fetch him 
 back, and let us try again, for I think it is good sport." 
 The madman went, and as soon as he had disappeared, 
 More rose and secured the door. 
 
 xxxir. 
 
 A N old gentleman, hr.ving occasion for a footman, 
 •^^ persuaded his nephew to part with his own. The 
 servant left his young master with reluctance, yet be- 
 lieving it would be for his interest, he went to him. The 
 old gentleman received him with great satisfaction, 
 and asked him if he understood sequences. " I don't 
 know, sir," replies the man, "if you will please to ex- 
 plain what you mean by seqtiences, I shall give you an 
 answer." " Why, thus," says he, " for instance ; when 
 I bid you lay the cloth, you are to put the knives, 
 folks, salt, etc., on the table." " Oh, sir," replies the 
 footman, " if that's all, I make no doubt but I shall 
 please you." His. master, being taken ill one morning, 
 ordered him to fetch him a nurse with all speed ; how- 
 ever, he did not return till late at night. The mo- 
 ment he came into his master's presence, he reproached 
 him severely for staying so long, when he had sent 
 him on business of such importance. The fellow made 
 no reply till the heat of his passion was abated ; when 
 he began by telling him that he went and foinid tlie 
 nurse, who was below ; the sequence of a nurse, he 
 
yjSSTS, NEW &' OLD. 13 
 
 tliovight, was au apothecary, an apothecary was below ; 
 the sequence of an apothecary was a doctor, a doctor 
 was below ; the sequence of a doctor was a surgeon, 
 a surgeon was below ; the sequence of a surgeon 
 was an undertaker, an undertaker was below." The 
 old gentleman was so pleased with his man's saga- 
 city, that he ordered him to fetch a lawyer to make a 
 codicil to his will, in which he left him a handsome 
 legacy. 
 
 XXXIIl. 
 
 WHEN George the Second was once told by some 
 of his confidential friends, that everything was 
 complained of, and that the people were extremely 
 dissatisfied at the tardiness of making the public pay- 
 ments, he in great wrath sent for the Duke of New- 
 castle, his prime minister, and told him he would no 
 longer suffer such infamous delays, but was determined 
 to inspect and regulate the accounts himself ; and for 
 this purpose he commanded that the proper papers 
 should be immediately sent to St. James's. " They 
 shall be sent to your Majesty to-morrow;" replied the 
 Duke. When the king rose in the morning, and looked 
 out of his window, he saw two waggon-loads of papers, 
 each tied with red tape, unloading in the area. En- 
 quiring what they were, he was told they came from 
 the Duke of Newcastle, to whom he sent to know what 
 it meant. " They are the papers for examination," said 
 the Duke : twelve more waggon-loads for your Majesty's 
 inspection will be sent in the course of the day." " For 
 my inspection, ! " replied the enraged monarch ; " for 
 my inspection ! The devil's chief clerk may inspect 
 them, but I would as soon walk barefooted to Jerusa- 
 lem." 
 
14 y£STS, NEW ^^ OLD. 
 
 XXXIV. 
 
 BACON being asked by James I. what he thought of 
 Mr. Caderes, a very tall man, who was sent on 
 an occasional embassy to the monarch of France, an- 
 swered that some tall men were " like lofty houses, 
 where the upper rooms are commonly the most meanly 
 furnished." 
 
 XXXV. 
 
 TWO men, who had not seen one another for a great 
 while, meeting by chance, one asked the other 
 how he did 1 He replied, he was not very well, and 
 had been married since he saw him. "That's good 
 news, indeed," said he. " Nay, not such good news, 
 neither," replied the other ; " for I married a shrew." 
 " That was bad," said the friend. " Not so bad, 
 neither ; for I had two thousand pounds with her." 
 " That's well again," said the other. " Not so well, 
 neither," said the other ; "fori laid it out in sheep, 
 and they all died of the rot." " That was hard, indeed," 
 says his friend. " Not so hard," says the husband ; 
 for I sold the skins for more than the sheep cost." 
 " That made you amends," said the other. " Not so 
 much amends neither ; for I laid out my monqy in a 
 house, and it was burnt." " That was a gi-eat loss, 
 indeed." " Nay, not so great a loss, neither ; for my 
 wife was burnt in it." 
 
 XXXVI. 
 
 TXTHEN Sir Philip Francis was, not long before his 
 
 ' ' death, at Holland-house, Lady Holland induced 
 
 Rogers to ask the knight if he was really the author of 
 
 Junius' Letters. Rogers, knowing the knight's austere 
 
yESTS, NEW 6^ OLD. 15 
 
 character, addressed him with modest hesitation, asking 
 if he might be permitted to propose a question. Fran- 
 cis, evidently anticipating what was to come, exclaimed 
 in a severe tone, "At your peril, sir," Rogers 
 immediately retired, and returned to tell Lady Hol- 
 land the success of his mission, observing, that, " if Sir 
 Philip was really Junius, he was certainly Junius 
 Brutus." 
 
 XXXVII. 
 
 rpHE following advertisement was posted up at North 
 -■- Shields, " Whereas several idle and disorderly 
 persons have lately made a practice of riding on an 
 ass, belonging to JSIr. — ^, the head of the Ropery 
 stairs ; now, lest any accident should happen, he takes 
 this method of informing the public, that he is deter- 
 mined to shoot the said ass, and cautions any person 
 who may be riding on it at the time, to take care of 
 himself, lest by some unfortunate mistake he should 
 shoot the wrong one." 
 
 XXXVIII. 
 
 IN spite of the ill-founded contempt Dr. Johnson 
 professed to entertain for actors, he persuaded 
 himself to treat Mrs. Siddons with great politeness ; 
 and said, when she called on him at Bolt Court, and 
 Frank, his servant, could not immediately provide her 
 with a chair. "You see, madam, wherever you go, 
 there are no seats to be got." 
 
 XXXIX5 
 
 The Voung Roscius. 
 At Betty, astonish'd, the people all gaz'd, 
 
 " 'Twas wonderful," still they kept saying ; 
 For my part I own I was not much amaz'd 
 
 At seeing a little hoy playing. 
 
i6 y£STS, NEW &^ OLD. 
 
 XL. 
 
 Epigram. 
 My garden neat 
 Has got a seat 
 
 That's hid fi'om ev'ry eye, sir : 
 There day and night 
 I read and write, 
 
 And nobody's the iviser. 
 
 XLI. 
 
 ONE of the Dukes of Devonshire, who preferred the 
 society at Brookes's club to that at Devonshire 
 House, used frequently to pass a cobbler's stall on his 
 way home in the small hours. They always greeted 
 each other. " Good night, sir," said the Duke. " Good 
 morning, sir," said the cobbler. 
 
 XLII. 
 
 T ORD ELLENBOROUGH said of Lord Kenyon, who 
 -'-^ was rather noted for want of cleanliness, when 
 the income-tax was put on, that his lordship inten- 
 ded to reduce his expenditure — in pocket-handker- 
 chiefs. 
 
 XLIII. 
 
 A YOUNG barrister, pleading a cause one day before 
 -^^ Ellenborough, began with, " My unfortunate 
 
 client, my lord" Ellenborough broke in — " There, 
 
 sir, the Court is with you." 
 
 XLIV. 
 
 ■pLLENBOROUGH hated everything in the shape of 
 -■-^ travelling encumbrances. His wife went with 
 him once on circuit, and as they were driving in the 
 carriage together, Ellenborough, stretching out his legs, 
 came in contact with a baud-box. He was in a terrible 
 
JESTS, NEW 6^ OLD. 17 
 
 rage. Up went the window ; out went the box. When 
 they reached their destination, Ellenborough could not 
 find his wig. "Where is my wigl" he demanded 
 angrily. " My lord," replied one of his servants, *' it 
 was in the bandbox." 
 
 XLV. 
 
 SIR GEORGE BEAUMONT, when a young man, 
 was one day at a coftee-house, near Grosvenor 
 Square, with Henry Aston. Several other persons 
 were seated at the different tables. Among others, 
 there was a celebrated Irish duellist. Aston swore to 
 one or two of his acquaintances present that he would 
 make the Irishman stand barefooted before the com- 
 pany. '' You had better take care," said his friends, 
 " he has his eye upon you." " No matter," answered 
 Aston, " I'll do it, if you'll make up a purse of fifty 
 guineas." This was agreed to, whereupon Aston, 
 raising his voice, said, " I have been in Ireland, and 
 am well acquainted with the natives." The Irishman 
 pricked up his ears. " The Irish," continued Aston, 
 speaking at him, " being natives of bogs, are (as I 
 
 know for a fact) born wcb-footed " " Sir," roared 
 
 the Irishman, springing up, " you tell a falsehood." 
 Aston repeated his declaration. " I will prove, sir, 
 that it is a lie," replied the other, and slipped off his 
 boots and stockings. The money was divided between 
 Aston and the Irishman, who got the bigger half. 
 
 XLVI. 
 
 A LADY who gave hei'self great airs of importance, 
 -^ on being introduced to a gentleman for the first 
 time, said, with much cool indifference, " I think, sir, 
 I have seen you somewhere." " Very likely," replied 
 the gentleman, " you may, ma'am, as I have often been 
 there." 
 
i8 JESTS, NEW ^ OLD. 
 
 XLVII. 
 
 SIR G. BExiUMONT once met Quin at a veiy small 
 dinner party. There was a delicious pudding, which 
 the master of the house, pushing the dish towards 
 Quin, begged him to taste. A gentleman had just 
 before helped himself to an immense piece of it. 
 *'Pray," said Quin, looking first at the gentleman's 
 plate and then at the dish, " which is the pudding 1 " 
 
 XLVIII. 
 
 A MAN was asked by his friend when he last saw 
 his jolly comrade % "Oh," said he, "I 
 
 called on him yesterday at his lodgings, and there I 
 found him sitting all round a table by himself." 
 
 XLIX. 
 
 AT a trial a barrister, whose txirn it would become 
 shortly to speak, opened his bag to bring out his 
 brief, and drew from it instead a roast fowl. There 
 was a peal of laughter in the court. " It is that fool 
 of a clerk of mine," said he ; " who does not know the 
 difference." 
 
 L. 
 
 ONE evening Tom Sheridan, sitting with his father 
 over a bottle, was complaining of the emptiness 
 of his pocket. The right honourable manager told 
 him jocularly to go on the highway. " I have tried 
 that already," said he, " but without success." " Aye ! 
 how % " replied his father. " Why," resumed he, " I 
 stopt a caravan full of passengere, who assured me 
 they had not a farthing, as they all belonged to Drury- 
 lane theatre, and could not get a 'petiny of their salary'* 
 
 LI. 
 
 SOME years ago, one of the male convicts of Botany 
 Bay wrote a farce, wliich was acted with great 
 applause on the theati'e in Port Jackson. Barriugton, 
 
yESTS, NEW &> OLD. 19 
 
 the noted pick-pocket, furnished the prologue, which 
 
 ended with these two lines : 
 
 True patriots we, for be it understood, 
 We left our country for our country's good. 
 
 LII. 
 
 ABOUT the time when Murphy so successfully at- 
 tacked the stage-stinick heroes in the pleasant 
 farce of " The Apprentice," an eminent poulterer went 
 to a spouting-club in search of his servant who, he 
 understood, was that evening to make his dehut in 
 Lear, and entered the room at the moment he was ex- 
 claiming, " I am the King ; you cannot touch me for 
 coining." " No, you dog," cried the enraged master, 
 catching the mad monarch by his collar, " but I can 
 for not picking the ducks." 
 
 LIII. 
 
 TOM BURNET happening to be at dinner at my 
 Lord Mayor's, in the latter part of Queen Anne's 
 reign, after two or three healths, the Ministry was 
 toasted ; but when it came to Tom's turn to drink, he 
 diverted it for some time, by telling a story to the 
 person who sat next him. The chief magistrate of the 
 city, not seeing his toast go round, called out, " Gentle- 
 men, where sticks the Ministry 1 " " At nothing," 
 says Tom, and so drank off his glass.;; 
 
 LIV. 
 
 GEORGE I. asked Dr. Savage, at a levee, why he 
 did not convert the Pope, when he was at Rome ? 
 ** Because, Sir," said the doctor, '' I had nothing better 
 to offer him." 
 
 A 
 
 LV. 
 
 FRENCHMAN, just arrived here, who had been 
 taking English lessons on ^the voyage from a 
 
yESTS, NEW &- OLD. 
 
 fellow-passenger, complained much of the difficulty of 
 our grammar, especially the irregular verbs. " For 
 instance," says he, " se verb, to go. Did you ever see 
 one such verb % " And with the utmost gravity he 
 read from a sheet of paper — " I go, thou departest, he 
 clears out, we cut stick, you make ti'acts, they absqua- 
 tulate. Mon Dieu ! mon Dieu ! what disregular verbs 
 you have in your Rnglish language ! " 
 
 LVI. 
 
 WHEN Hood was editor of the London Magazine, 
 he used to give most amusing answers to his 
 correspondents. For instance, one waiter is informed 
 that his " Night" is too long, for the moon rises twice 
 in it. " The ' Essay on Agricultural Distress ' would 
 only increase it." " The ' Tears of Insensibility ' had 
 better be dropped." " 'B.' is surely humming." " The 
 ' Echo ' wnll not answer ; " and, " The ' Sonnet to the 
 Rising Sun ' must have been wTitten for a lark." 
 
 LVII. 
 
 A PRIEST, whose house and garden were near the 
 -^^ church, seeing, as he was elevating the host, a 
 thief ascending one of his fruit trees, cried out, to the 
 great astonishment of the congregation, " Oh ! the 
 devil go up ivith thee ! " 
 
 LVIII. 
 
 A BEAUTIFUL girl stepped into an American 
 -^^ store, and asked about a pair of mitts. " Why," 
 said a gallant but imi:)udent clerk, " you may have 
 them for a kiss." " Agreed ! " said the young lady, 
 pocketing the gloves, and her eyes speaking daggers ; 
 *' agreed ; and as I see you give credit, you may charge 
 it in your books, and collect it the best way you can." 
 
yESTS, NEW e^ OLD. 
 
 LIX. 
 
 ~rvR. ROBERTSON having observed that Johnson's 
 -■-^ jokes were the rebukes of the righteous, which 
 are like excellent oil — " ! " exclaimed Burke, who 
 was present, " Oil of Vitrol ! " 
 
 LX. 
 
 rriHE following advertisement appeared in a provincial 
 -*- paper. ''To be sold by private Contract, a beau- 
 tiful Monkey, a Pai^^ot, two Spaniels, and a Tortoise- 
 shell Tom Cat ; the property of a lady, just married; 
 who has no further occasion for them." 
 
 LXI. 
 
 A PERSON being asked, what made him bald, said, 
 " My hair." 
 
 LXII. 
 
 A GOOD monk being charged with making a cata- 
 logue of a library, and meeting with a Hebrew 
 book, put, Item, a book tvhich ber/ins at the end, 
 
 LXIII. 
 
 A GENUINE Highlander was one day looking at a 
 print from a picture by one of the old masters, 
 in which angels were represented blowing trumpets. 
 He inqiiired if the angels played on trumj)ets, and being 
 answered in the affirmative, made the following pithy 
 remark : — " Hech, sirs, but they maim be pleased wi' 
 music ! I wonder they dinna borrow a pair o' bag- 
 pipes." 
 
 LXIV. 
 
 DUCROW was once teaching a boy to go through a 
 diflicult act of horsemanship, in the chax'acter of 
 a page ; and the boy being timid, his master applied 
 the whip to him unmercifully. Joseph Grimaldi was 
 
22 yESTS, NEW &* OLD. 
 
 standing by, and looked very serious, considering his 
 vocation. " You see," said Ducrow to Joey, " that it 
 is necessary to make an impression on these young fel- 
 lows." "Very likely," answered Grimaldi, "but it 
 can hardly be necessary to make the whacks so hard." 
 
 LXV. 
 
 A WAGGISH curate overheard the schoolmaster 
 giving lessons in grammar. " You cannot place 
 a, the singTilar article," said the preceptor, " before 
 plural nouns. No one can say a pigs, a women, 
 a " — " Nonsense," cried the curate, " the prayer- 
 book teaches us to say a-men. 
 
 LXVI. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN, praising the generosity of his 
 friend, observed, "he spends his money like 
 water." " Then 6f course, he liquidates his debts," 
 rejoined the other 
 
 LXVIf. 
 
 LORD STOWELL, who was not remarkable for his 
 liberality of character, at least in a pecimiary 
 point of view, dined one day at the royal table, when 
 George IV. noticed the extraordinary quantity of port 
 to which his Lordship helped himself. The king affcer- 
 wai-ds remarked to Lord Eldon (Lord StoweU's brother), 
 that the latter seemed to be fond of port, and to be 
 able to take a good deal of it with apparent impunity. 
 " Oh yes," replied Eldon slyly, " he'U take any givm 
 quantity." 
 
 LXVIII. 
 
 AGENTLESIAN in Lancashire, who was possessed 
 of more wealth than leai'ning, sent his son to an 
 academy in Mauclicster, where he was boarded tlirce 
 years, at the expiration of which period he returned 
 
JESTS, NEW &* OLD. 23 
 
 home to the great delight of his family, who were 
 proud to receive (as they supposed), a scholar amongst 
 them, which would render them of as mvich conse- 
 quence as their neighbours, some of whom were in 
 the commission of his Majesty's peace, &c. When the 
 young gentleman arrived, his father was in the court- 
 yard, and in the act of killing a hedge-hog with a 
 pitchfork. After the usual congratulations, and dinner 
 being over, he was desired to give a specimen of his 
 learning, when he retired and produced the following : 
 
 " My father kill'd a great hedge-hog, 
 " And flay'd it when he'd done ; 
 
 " And was not that a gallant deed, 
 " And am not / his son 1 " 
 
 The father exclaimed iu an extacy of admiration, 
 " Jack'ee shall be no J'ustice, but a Farliament-man." 
 
 LXIX. 
 
 A WRETCHED artist, who thought himself an ex- 
 -^^ cellent painter, was talking pompously abou.t 
 decorating the ceiling of his saloon. " I am white- 
 washing it," said he, " and in a short time I shall 
 begin painting." *' I think you had better," replied 
 one of his audience, " paint it Jlrst, and then white- 
 wash it." 
 
 LXX. 
 
 " O OLDIERS must be fearfully dishonest," says Mrs. 
 ^ Parting-ton, " as it seems to be a nightly occur- 
 rence for a sentry to be relieved of his watch." 
 
 LXXI. 
 
 " T WILL give you my head," exclaimed a person to 
 
 -■- Montesquieu, " if every word I have related is 
 
 not true." " I accept your offer," said the president ; 
 
24 JESTS, NEW &> OLD. 
 
 "presents of small value strengthen the bonds of 
 friendship, and should never be refused." 
 
 LXXII. 
 
 THEODORE HOOK once dined with Mr. Hatchet. 
 " Ah ! my dear fellow," said his host deprecat- 
 ingly, " I am sorry to say you will not get to-day such 
 a dinner as our friend Tom Moore gave us." " Certainly 
 not," replied Hook, '* from a hatchet one can expect 
 nothing but a chop." 
 
 LXXIII. 
 
 A T a lawyers' dinner, a toast was proposed, after the 
 ■^^ cloth had been removed — " Wine and women." 
 Some one suggested, " Lush and Shee." 
 
 LXXIV. 
 
 OOMEBODY complained to George Rose of the 
 ^ terrible depredations which were made habitually 
 on persons frequenting his court. The individual hap- 
 pened to turn round for a moment, and his gTeatcoat 
 vanished. " Really, Sir George," said he, " this is in- 
 tolerable, this is disgusting ; and the worst of it is, 
 that there appears no remedy." " No remedy what- 
 ever," replied Rose, "it is a suit abated." 
 
 LXXV. 
 
 SHERIDAN had been driving out three or four 
 hours in a hackney coach, when, seeing Richard- 
 son pass, lie hailed him, and made him get in. He 
 instantly contrived to introduce a topic upon which 
 Richardson, who was the very soul of disputatiousness, 
 always differed from him ; and, at last affecting to be 
 mortified at Richardson's arguments, said, " You really 
 are too bad ; I cannot bear to listen to such things ; I 
 will not stay in the same coach with ^^ou ; " and ac- 
 cordingly got down and left him, Richardson halloing 
 
yESTS, NEW &' OLD. 25 
 
 out triumphantly after him, " Ah, you're beat ! you're 
 beat ! " Nor was it till the heat of his victory had a 
 little cooled, that he fou.nd out he was left iu the lurch, 
 to pay for Sheridan's three hours' coachmg. 
 
 LXXVI. 
 
 /^HAELES FOX, when a boy, meeting, one Easter 
 ^ Monday a blind woman, who was crying pud- 
 dings and pies, took her by the hand, and said, " Come 
 along with me. Dame; I am going to Moorfields, w^here, 
 this holiday-time, you may chance to meet with good 
 custom.'' " Thank you kindly. Sir," replied she. 
 Whereupon he conducted her to Cripplegate church, 
 and placed her in the middle aisle, " Now," says he, 
 " you are in Moorfields ; " which she believed to be true, 
 and immediately cried out, " Hot puddings and pies ! 
 hot puddings and pies ! come, they are all hot ! " 
 
 LXXVII. 
 
 AT a wedding in a country church in Somersetshire, 
 the bride, who had been well instructed by her 
 worthy pastor in the church catechism, and who had 
 not, perhaps, much studied the matrimonial service, 
 upon being, as usual, asked the question, " Wilt thou 
 have this man to be thy wedded husband % " cut shoi't 
 the clergyman, by innocently I'eplying, " Yes, verily, 
 and by God's help, so I will ; and I heartily thank our 
 Heavenly Father, that he hath brought me to this 
 state." 
 
 LXXVIII. 
 
 A CERTAIN couple went to Duumow, in Esses, to 
 claim the flitch of bacon, which is to be given to 
 every married pair, who can swear they have had no 
 dispute, nor once repented their bargain in a year and 
 a day. The steward, ready to deliver it, asked them 
 
26 JESTS, NEW 6^ OLD. 
 
 where tliey would put it ; the husbaud produced a 
 bag, and told him in that. "That (answered the 
 steward) is not big enough to hold it." — " So I told 
 my wife," replied the good man, " and I believe we had 
 a hundred words ahout it" " Ay," said the steward, 
 " but they were not such as will butter any cabbage 
 to eat with this bacon j " and he hung the fiitch up 
 again. 
 
 LXXIX. 
 
 TOURING the O.P. war at Covent Garden, a gentle- 
 man asked another what the entertainments were. 
 He very sagaciously replied, '* All in the, vrrong" and 
 '' The Devil to pay r 
 
 Lsxixa. 
 \ SCOTCH pedestrian, attacked by three highway- 
 -^^ men, defended himself with great courage and 
 abstinacy, but was at length overpowered and his 
 pockets riiled. The robbers expected from the ex- 
 traordinary resistance they had experienced, to lay 
 their hands on some rich booty, but were not a little 
 surprised to discover that the whole treasure which 
 the sturdy Caledonian had been defending at the 
 hazard of his life, consisted of no more than a crooked 
 sixpence. *' The deuce is in him," said one of the 
 rogues ; [" if he had had eighteenpence, I suppose he 
 would have killed the whole of us." 
 
 LXXX. 
 
 TT7HEN Robert Hall, the celebrated preacher, waa 
 * " much pressed by a young minister who had 
 been holding forth before him, and who had accom- 
 panied him into the vestry, to say what particular pas- 
 sage he most admired, the wit at length reluctantly 
 
yESTS, NEW &' OLD. 27 
 
 disposed of his importunate vanity by saying, " The 
 passage from the pulpit to the vestry." 
 
 LXXXI. 
 
 THE Duchess of '{Newcastle, who wrote plays and 
 romances in King Charles the Second's time, 
 asked Bishop Wilkins, how she could get up to the 
 world in the moon, which he had discovered ; for, as 
 the journey must needs be very long, there would be 
 no possibility of going through it, without resting on 
 the way % "0 madam ! " said the bishop, " yom* grace ■$• 
 has built so many castles in the air, that you cannot 
 want a place." 
 
 LXXXII. 
 
 SOME years ago, the Duke of Wellington was sitting 
 at his library table, when the door opened, and 
 without any announcement in stalked a figure of 
 singularly ill omen. " Who are you % " asked the duke, 
 in his short and dry manner, looking without the 
 slightest change of countenance upon the intruder. 
 " I am Apollyon ; I am sent here to kill you." " Kill 
 me 1 Very odd." " I am Apollyon, and must put you 
 to death." '"Bliged to do it to day 1 " '^ am not 
 told the day or hour; but I must do my mission." 
 " Very inconvenient, very busy, gTeat many letters to 
 write. Call again, or vaite me word — I'll be ready 
 for you." And the duke went on with his correspon- 
 dence. The maniac, appalled probably by the stem 
 immovable old man, backed out of the room, and in 
 half an hour was in an asylum. 
 
 LXXXIII. 
 
 A LINK-BOY asked Dr. Burgess, the preacher, if 
 he would have a light 1 " No, child," says the 
 Doctor, " I am one of the lights of the world." " I 
 
28 yESTS, NEW ^ OLD. 
 
 wish then, " replied the boy, " you loa^ hung up at the 
 end of our alley, for we live in a devilish dark one." 
 
 LXXXIV. 
 
 IN prime of life, 
 Tom lost his wife : 
 Says Dick, to soothe his pain ; 
 " Thy wife, I trow, 
 Is long 'ere now 
 In Abraham's bosom lain." 
 
 " Her fate forlorn 
 
 With grief I mourn ; " 
 The shrewd dissembler cries, 
 
 " For much I fear, 
 
 By this Scid tear. 
 She'll scratch out Abraham's eyes." 
 
 LXXXV. 
 
 A DRAMATIC author, on presenting a farce to 
 -^^ Kembie for Covent Garden, assured him in his 
 letter that it was a production by no means to be 
 laughed at. 
 
 LXXXVI. 
 
 WHEN Richard Bentley started what became so 
 well-known as Bentley's Miscellany, it was face- 
 tiously suggested by some one, that it should be called 
 Be7itley's DonH-sell-any. 
 
 LXXXVI I. 
 
 A BILL being brought into the House of Assembly 
 of Jamaica for regulating wharfingers, Mr. Paul 
 Phipps, a distinguished member, said, " Mr. Speaker, 
 I very much approve of the bill. The wharfingers are 
 all a set of knaves ; I was one myself for ten years." 
 
JESTS, NEW &> OLD. 29 
 
 LXXXVIII. 
 
 THE witty and convivial Lord Kellie being in his 
 early years much addicted to dissipation, his 
 mother advised him to take example from a gentleman 
 whose constant food was herbs, and his drink water. 
 " "VVTiat, madam ! " said he, would you have me imit- 
 ate a man, who eats like a beast, and drinks like a 
 fish ? " 
 
 T.XXXfX. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN complained to Bannister, that 
 some malicious person had cut off his horse's 
 tail, which, as he meant to sell him, would be a great 
 drawback. " Then," said Charles, " you must sell him 
 wholesale." " Wholesale ! how so ? " " Because you 
 cannot re-tail him." 
 
 xc. 
 
 TWO Irish labourers being present at the execution 
 of a number of malefactors at the scatFold before 
 Newgate, " Pray now," said one of them to the other, 
 " pray now, Pat, is there any difference between being 
 hanged on this new drop here, or hung in chains ] " 
 " Why, no," replied he, " no great difference ; only on 
 one you hang about an hour, and on the other you 
 hang all the days of your life." 
 
 xci. 
 
 A BELL-RINGER at Salisbury observed that 
 there were only two bell-ringers in the world, 
 and he was one. Being asked who was the second, he 
 said that he did not recollect his name. 
 
 XCII. 
 
 A COMMON witticism in the mouths of the Dublin 
 car-drivers, when a person expresses preference 
 for walking, is, " Lord send your honour may always 
 be able and seldom willing." 
 
30 JESTS, NEW &> OLD. 
 
 XCIII. 
 
 THE chairman of thebeuch of magistrates in Cornwall, 
 Lord Vivian, was celebrated for his long hooked 
 nose. At one of his visits to the county asylum, a 
 very eccentric but shrewd character there said to him; 
 '' Your honour 'd be wonderful valuable in the apple- 
 harvest." He was asked the reason. " Why," he 
 replied, " all us other chaps hold on to th' ti*ee with 
 one hand, and pick with the tother, but your honour 
 could hold on by your nose, and pick with both." 
 
 xciv. 
 
 THE Princess-royal of England was a girl of very 
 high spirit. She had a preceptor at one time, 
 whom she woiild call Brown. Her mother said she 
 must say Mr. Brown, not Brown, but in vain. At 
 length, she was threatened with confinement to her 
 room, if she repeated this, and the next morning, 
 when she was to take her lesson, she came down, and 
 said, '• Good morning, Brown, and now, good night, 
 Brown, for I must go to bed," and ran away, and left 
 him. 
 
 xcv. 
 
 IT being remarked of a picture of the Lord Mayor 
 and Court of Aldermen, that the varnish was 
 chilled, and the figures rather sunk, the proprietors 
 directed one of their assistants to give it a fresh coat 
 of varnish. " Must I use copal or mastic % " said the 
 young man. " Neither one nor the other," said a 
 gentleman present ; " if you wish to bring the figures 
 out, varnish it with turtle soup." 
 
 xcvi. 
 
 THE Duke of Florence once complaining to the 
 Venetian ambassador, that the envoy who had 
 
JESTS, NEW &> OLD. 31 
 
 been sent by the State, previous to his appointment, 
 had conducted himself very improperly, and was by 
 no means qualified for the office. " Your highness," 
 said the minister, " must be conscious that we have 
 fools in Venice." " So have we in Florence," said the 
 duke ; " but we do not send them to represent mcrselves.^' 
 
 XCVII. 
 
 A WORTHY gentleman, living at Vauxhall, had the 
 -*^ bell-wire of his door cut one night by some in- 
 ebriated persons returning from the Gardens. To 
 prevent the recurrence of a similar outrage, he ordered 
 the bell-hanger to place it out 0/ reach. 
 
 xcviii. 
 A LADY desired Dr. Johnson to give his opinion of 
 -^^ a work she had just written ; adding, that if it 
 would not do, she begged him to tell her, for she had 
 other irons in the fire ; and in case of it not lieing 
 likely to succeed, she could bring out something else. 
 "Then," said the doctor, after turning over a few 
 leaves, " I advise you, madam, to put it ivhere your 
 other irons are." 
 
 xcix. 
 /CHARLES II. sat to Riley the artist for his por- 
 ^ trait, and when it was fioished, the King looked 
 at it. " Is this like me % " said he, " od's fish, then, 
 I'm a very ugly fellow ! " 
 
 C. 
 ITIHE report of a gold-mine at Ampthill having 
 -■- proved to be incorrect. Pennant, the antiquary, 
 said that the gold turned out to be nothing but talc. 
 
 CI. 
 
 "V/TENAGE, the lexicographer, talking to Madame 
 -^'-*- Sevig-n^, held her hand between his during the 
 
32 yESTS, NEW QT' OLD. 
 
 conversation. When he let it go, a person in the 
 company exclaimed, ** M. Menage, that was the finest 
 work that ever came out of your hands." 
 
 CII. 
 
 A TRADESMAN, near Oxford Street, once an- 
 nounced himself " Ropemaker to the Sheriffs of 
 London and Middlesex." 
 
 cm. 
 
 AN Irish soldier, returning from battle in the 
 night, and marching a little way behind his 
 companion, called out to him, " Hallo, Pat, I have 
 taken a prisoner." " Bring him along then, bring him 
 along." " He won't come." "Why then come your- 
 self," " He loont let me." 
 
 CIV. 
 
 OLD Astley, one evening when his band was playing 
 an overture, went up to the horn players, and 
 asked why they were not playing. They said they had 
 twenty bars rest. " Rest ! " says he, " I'll have no- 
 body rest in my company ; I pay you for ylaying, not 
 for resting." 
 
 cv. 
 
 A KING of France inquired of one of his ministers, 
 what was the real difference between a Whig and 
 a Tory. " Please your Majesty," replied the minister, 
 " I conceive the difference to be merely nominal ; the 
 Tories are Whigs when they want places, and the 
 Whigs are Tories when they have got them." 
 
 cvi. 
 
 SOME one had written upon a pane in the window 
 of an inn on the Chester Road, " Lord M— — • 
 has the softest lips in the universe." Mrs. Abingdon 
 
yESTSy NEW 6^ OLD. 33 
 
 once, returning from Ireland, saw this inscription, and 
 wrote under it : — 
 
 " Then as like aa two chips 
 Are his head and his lips." 
 
 CVII. 
 ■pPIGRAM by Sir John Burgoyne :— 
 
 You wish me a happy new year as a toast, 
 And a kindly good act it appears ; 
 
 But when you preceive I'm as deaf as a post. 
 You should wish me two happy new ears I 
 
 CVIII. 
 
 WHILE the probability of an Orleanist restoration 
 was being discussed, it was reported that Vis- 
 count Daru asked the Princes at Chantilly, in October^ 
 1871, whether they would not take possession of 
 " their own " tribune, meaning the central glazed pavi- 
 lion which is the private property of some of the Or- 
 leans family, for which reason Napoleon III. never 
 went to Chantilly. The more or less facetious reply 
 of the Duo d'Aumale to M. Daru was, " Not yet." 
 
 oix. 
 
 ONE of Rogers's servants, who had grown grey in 
 his service, died, and a friend called to condole 
 with Rogers on the loss he had sustained. " Well ! " 
 exclaimed Rogers, after listening for some time to his 
 expressions of sympathy, " I don't know that I feel his 
 loss so very much, after all. For the first seven years 
 he was an obliging servant ; for the second seven yeai'S 
 he was an agreeable companion ; but for the last seven, 
 he was a tyrannical master." 
 
 D- 
 
34 y^ESTS, NEW d:' OLD. 
 
 ox. 
 
 BEING present at a theatrical fund dinner, Sheri- 
 dan, whose father was an actor, made a high- 
 flown speech, in which he spoke of himself as being 
 " descended from the loins of kings." Dr. Spry, one 
 of the party, said, " That is quite true ; the last time 
 I saw his father, he was the King of Denmark" 
 
 CXI. 
 
 TTTTHEN Lieutenant O'Brien, called "Sky-rocket 
 ' » Jack," was blown up at Spithead in the Edgar, 
 he was saved on the carriage of a gun ; and when 
 brought to the admiral, all black and wet, he said, " I 
 hope, sir, you will excuse my appearance in this dis- 
 habille, as I came away in such a hurry." 
 
 CXII. 
 
 DR. BALGUY, having preached an excellent dis- 
 course at Winchester Cathedral, the text of 
 which was, " All wisdom is sorrow," received the fol- 
 lowing elegant compliment from Dr. Warton, then at 
 Winchester school : — 
 
 " If what you advance, dear doctor, be true, 
 That wisdom is sorrow, how wretched are you." 
 
 CXIII. 
 
 AFTER Paley's preferment to the Archdeaconry he 
 dined with a large number of clergymen at his 
 first visitation, aU of whom were in eager expectation 
 to hjar the improving conversation of the gi'eat man. 
 The latter remained silent tiU the second course was 
 served. He then opened his lips, and everyone 
 listened with rapt attention to what the Archdeacon 
 would deign to say. His remark was, *' I don't think 
 these puddens are much good unless the seeds are 
 taken out of the raisins." On another occasion, Paley 
 
yESTS, NEW &' OLD, ^5 
 
 gave utterance to a speech such as we might have ex- 
 pected from Sydney Smith. FeeUng annoyed by a 
 draught of air behind him, he said, " Shut that window- 
 behind me, and open one lower down behind one of 
 the curates." 
 
 oxiv, 
 
 A GENTLEMAN, passing a second-hand dealer's in 
 the vicinity of Leicester Square, said in an 
 undertone, but so as to be heard by the proprietor, 
 " Ah (referring to a dingy anonymous portrait at the 
 door), that is not unlike John Wilkes," and passed on 
 without thinking any more of the matter. But the 
 next time he went that way, he perceived to his su- 
 preme astonishment a conspicuous inscription, "The 
 celebrated John Wilkes, fine original painting, £2 23.'^ 
 
 cxv. 
 
 WHEN the late Peter Cunningham was preparing 
 an account of the Revels at Court, he went to 
 one of the government offices to make inquiries in 
 connection with the Master of the Rolls at that time, 
 the well-known Sir Julius Ceesar. But he was told 
 that though they believed they had heard the name, 
 they were not aware he was ever knighted. 
 
 cxvi. 
 
 SHELLEY and Leigh Hunt were once travelling to 
 gether in a coach, at a time of great political com- 
 motion and uneasiness, their only companion being an 
 old lady, a stranger. To relieve the monotony of the 
 journey, Shelley broke out with that well-known pas- 
 sage in Shakespear's Richard II. (but slightly varying 
 for the nonce) : " For God's sake, Hunt, let's sit upon 
 the ground, and tell strange stories of the deaths of 
 kings ! " The old lady could no longer contain herself, 
 she was terrified out of her wits at the idea of being 
 
 D 2 
 
36 JESTS, NEW c^ OLD. 
 
 shut up with a lunatic, perhaps with two. " Guard, 
 guard ! " she cried, " let me out, let me out." 
 
 CXVII. 
 
 A WAG, sitting in a coach opposite to a very sedate 
 and starch old gentleman, kept looking out of 
 the window, and rubbing his hands with great apparent 
 glee. At last he ventured to remark, still rubbing as 
 before : " Fine day for the race, sir ?" " What race, 
 what race ? " briskly inquired the other. " The human 
 race, sir," pleasantly returned the first. 
 
 CXVIII. 
 
 WHILE Dr. Cotton was Ordinary of Newgate, it 
 used to be said that persons, who were executed 
 there, died with cotton in their ears. 
 
 cxix. 
 
 JOHN CLEVELAND, the Poet, was once at a house, 
 where there was a fine gentleman present, not very 
 remarkable for hia powers of mind. This person pre- 
 tended to be tired of town (it was just the beginning 
 of the long vacation), and said he shovdd go into the 
 country, and not return till Michaelmas. Cleveland 
 told him that he thought he could not choose a better 
 time, both for going away and returning. " How is 
 that ] " says the fellow. " Why," replied Cleveland, 
 "you will be going out with the green-geese, and 
 coming in again with the wood-cocks." 
 
 cxx 
 
 MRS. HUDSON, wife of* the Railway-King, dis- 
 covered that one indispensable ornament in every 
 gentleman's house was a pair of globes. So she ob- 
 tained her husband's leave, and ordered the articles 
 But what was her astonishment, not to say indignation, 
 
JESTS, NEW ^^ OLD. 37 
 
 when she found, on receiving them, that, though a 
 pair, they did not match ! 
 
 cxxi. 
 
 THE following anecdote is illustrative of the once 
 famous Vauxhcdl slice. The ham-carver-in-chief 
 at that well-known establishment having been dismis- 
 sed, inquiries were set on foot for supplying the va- 
 cancy, and one gentleman in particular oflfered his 
 services, and was admitted to an audience of the Pro- 
 prietor. •* You see that ham, sir V said the Proprietor. 
 It was very hard not to see it, considering it was one 
 of the largest in the kingdom, and the candidate 
 answered affirmatively. " What could you do with 
 it ] " again demanded the Proprietor. " Do with it ? " 
 repeated the candidate, " why, cut it into slices." " Ay, 
 ay," said the Proprietor, but could you cover an acre 
 of ground with it ? " The candidate shook his head 
 doubtfully. " Won't do for me, sir," cried the Pro- 
 prietor, " last man could do that." 
 
 CXXII. 
 
 IN his copy of Thicknesse's " Useful Hints to those 
 who make the tour of France," Charles Lamb wrote: 
 " This is a book of no great Thicknesse." 
 
 CXXIII. 
 
 CURRAN being asked " What an Irish gentleman, 
 just arrived in England, could mean by perpetu- 
 ally putting out his tongue 1 " answered, " I suppose 
 he's trying to catch the English accent." 
 
 cxxiv. 
 
 AT a public dinner, Curran was defending his country- 
 men against the imputation of being a naturally 
 vicious race. " Many of our faults, for instance " (said 
 he), "arise from our too free use of the circulating 
 
^ yESTS, NEW ^ OLD. 
 
 medium (pointing to the wine), but I never yet heard 
 of an Irishman hdng born drunk.'^ 
 
 cxxv. 
 
 ON the fly-leaf of a volume of Chesterfield's Letters to 
 his Son, 1774, occurs the following MS. epigram 
 on that son, Philip Stanhope : — 
 
 "Vile Stanhope ! — Demons, blush to tell — 
 
 In twice two hundred places, 
 Has shown his son the road to Hell, 
 
 Escorted by the Graces. 
 
 But little did th' ungenerous lad 
 
 Concern himself about them, 
 For base, defiant, meaily bad, 
 
 He sneak'd to Hell without them." 
 
 cxxvi. 
 
 BISHOP WILBERFORCE asked the churchwarden 
 of St. Ebbs, Oxford, what the state of immorality 
 in that parish was. " Pretty fairish, my lord," was the 
 answer. 
 
 CXXVII. 
 
 STANDING one day on the Serpentine Bridge, 
 whence the turreted top of a public house in the 
 Bayswater Road may be seen, I overheard a man, 
 who evidently wished to pass for a person skilled iu 
 London topogi-aphy, say to his female companion : 
 " That is Kenilworth Castle, where Queen Victoria 
 was born."— IK. C. H. 
 
 OXXVIII. 
 
 LORD KENYON, referring to Julian the Apostate, 
 spoke of him as Julian the Apostle. 
 
yESTS, NEW &^ OLD. 39 
 
 CXXIX. 
 
 MR. and Mrs. Carter Hall lived during many years 
 at a pretty little cottage in Old Brompton, called 
 the Rosery. Douglas Jerrold christened it the 
 Roguery. 
 
 cxxx. 
 
 AT a regimental dinner, where the Prince Regent 
 and Mrs. Crewe — the celebrated beauty to whom 
 Sheridan inscribed in a complimentary poem, the School 
 for Scandal — were fellow guests, the Prince proposed as 
 the first toast, B^lff and Blue, and Mrs. Crewe ! to 
 which the lady gracefully responded with Buff and 
 Blue, and All of You / 
 
 cxxxi. 
 
 WHEN Erskine heard that somebody had died 
 worth two hundred thousand pounds, he ob- 
 served, '* Well, that's a very pretty sum to begin the 
 next world with." 
 
 CXXXII. 
 
 " A friend of mine," said Erskine, "was suffering 
 -^^ from a continual wakefulness ; and various 
 methods were tried to send him to sleep, but in vain. 
 At last his physicians resorted to an experiment which 
 succeeded perfectly : they dressed him in a watchman's 
 coat, put a lantern into his hand, placed him in a 
 sentry-box, and — he was asleep in ten minutes." 
 
 CXXXIII. 
 
 MISS LAMB, sister of Charles, was fond of mity 
 cheese, and on one occasion her brother waa 
 commissioned to procure a piece. When he had se- 
 lected what he thought would do, the Shopman said, 
 "Shall I pack it up, sirl" " N-no, I-I th-thank y- 
 you," stammered Lamb, " if-if you-you'll g-give me a- 
 a string, ril-I'll Head it h-home." 
 
40 yESTS, NE W 6- OLD. 
 
 CXXXIV. 
 
 ABOUT 1820, Perry, proprietor of the Morning 
 Chronicle, was arguing a political point at some 
 dinner-table, when his adversary advanced some 
 rather Toryfied doctrine, on which Perry exclaimed, 
 " Why, I thought you were a Whig ! " " So I am," 
 said the other, coolly, *' but not a Perry-Whig." 
 
 cxxxv. 
 
 WHEN George Lamb left the Bar to attend to his 
 duties in the House of Commons, Poole re- 
 marked that he had ceased to be a Bar-Lamb, and had 
 become a House-Lamh. 
 
 CXXXYI. 
 
 BEFORE the Reformation, Henry VIII. entertained 
 some fears as to the reception of his policy for 
 dissolving the monastic institutions among the more 
 powerful of the laity. Sir Thomas Wyat is said to 
 have contributed to fix the King's mind upon the 
 measure by a jest. " What," said he, " if your High- 
 ness should butter the rooks' nests ! " — meaning, the 
 distribution of some of the temporalities among the 
 nobility ; — which was afterwards done. 
 
 cxxxvii. 
 A LADY once travelling into the city with Dr. Wil- 
 -^^ berforce, Bishop of Winchester, saw a warehouse 
 described as a Dry-salters. She asked his lordship 
 what ft dry salter was. " Tate and Brady," was the 
 bishop's reply. 
 
 CXXXVIII. 
 
 A N ignorant person was ridiculing in the presence 
 ■^-^ of the present Lord Sherbrooke, when Chancellor 
 of the Exchequer, the admiration for the old philoso- 
 phers. " For my part," said he, " I thoroughly des- 
 
yESTS, NEW ^ OLD. 41 
 
 pise them all." " At any rate," said Lowe, " your's 
 is not the sort of contempt which is said to be bred by 
 familiarity ! " 
 
 cxxxix, 
 
 THE late Bishop of Winchester (Wilberforce) was 
 once travelling with some one, who entered into 
 conversation. At length, the subject turned upon the 
 bishop himself, about whom his companion made some 
 critical remarks. " And pray, sir," said he, at length, 
 " do you know him % " " Oh, yes," replied Wilber- 
 force, " I know him a little." " Why," inquired the 
 other, " do people call him Soapy Sam 1 " " Oh," 
 answered Wilberforce, " I suppose, because he is always 
 getting into hot water, and coming out with clean 
 hands ! " 
 
 CXL. 
 
 A FELLOW, having killed his parents, was tried 
 -^^ for the murder, convicted, and sentenced to 
 death. Being asked whether he had any thing to say, 
 he replied that he hoped his honour would consider 
 favourably the case of a poor oyphan.* 
 
 CXLI. 
 
 AFTER Sir Hugh Smithson — who married Lady 
 Elizabeth Percy, and took the family name — had 
 been created Earl of Northumberland, a Garter fell 
 vacant, for which he was an aspirant ; but it was con- 
 ferred on some one else. Thereupon the Earl is said 
 to have remarked with some warmth, that he was the 
 first Percy who had ever been refused the Garter. 
 " Bather," retorted the Minister, when he heard of it, 
 
 * An instance occurred in France, in 1873, in which a man 
 murdered his father, in order to escape the conscription by 
 becoming the son of a widow 
 
42 yESTS, NEW a^ OLD. 
 
 " he is the first Smithson who ever dreamt of applying 
 for such a thing ! " 
 
 CXLII. 
 
 TT'ING James I., being displeased with the City, be- 
 -^^ cause the Corporation would not lend him a 
 certain sum of money, told the Lord Mayor and Alder- 
 men one day, that he would remove his own Court 
 and the Courts of Westminster-Hall to another place, 
 with further expressions of his indignation. The Lord 
 Mayor calmly heard all, and at last answered : " Your 
 Majesty hath power to do what you please, and your 
 City of London will obey accordingly ; but we humbly 
 desire that, when your Majesty shall remove your 
 Court, you will be pleased to leave the Thames behind 
 you ! " 
 
 CXLIII. 
 
 AT a boat-race at Cambridge, considerable merri- 
 ment was produced in some visitors, who over- 
 heard a Cantab exclaim : " Oh ! look, there's Trinity 
 bumping Jesus I " 
 
 CXLIV. 
 
 SOME one was endeavouring to convince a certain 
 old lady by quotations from scripture on some 
 point or other. " You see. Madam," said he, " St. 
 Paul in his Epistle to the Ephesians says," and he re- 
 peated the passage to her (as he thought very impres- 
 sively). *' Yes," replied the lady, very collectedly, 
 " I know all about that j hut that s just where Pavl and 
 I differ ! " 
 
 CXLV. 
 
 THE very last time Swift ever was in London, he 
 went to dine with the Earl of Burlington, who 
 was then but newly mamed. My lord being willing, 
 
yESTS, NEW a;' OLD. 43 
 
 perhaps, to surprise his lady with a new character, and 
 to have some diversion, forbore to introduce him in the 
 iisual manner, or even to mention his name ; and as 
 he generally appeared in a rusty gown, and had no 
 very striking person, her ladyship could not help eyeing 
 her new guest. After dinner, said the dean, " Lady 
 Burlington, I hear you can sing ; sing me a song." 
 The lady looked on this unceremonious manner of ask- 
 ing a favour with disgust, and postively refused him. 
 He said, " She should sing, or if he was her husband he 
 would make her. Why, madam, I suppose you take 
 me for one of your poor, paltry, English hedge parsons; 
 sing, when I bid you." As the earl did nothing but 
 laugh at this freedom, the lady was so vex'd that she 
 burst into tears and retired. His first compliment 
 to her when he saw her again was, " Pray, madam, are 
 you as proud and as ill-natur'd now, as when I saw 
 you last 1 " To which she answer'd with great good- 
 humour, "No, Mr. Dean, I'll sing for you, if you 
 please." 
 
 CXLVI. 
 
 MOLIERE, the great poet, was esteemed an excel- 
 lent actor. He died in performing the part of 
 ihellypochondriac in a comedy of his own writing, called 
 Le Malade Imaginaire (which is part of a comedy in 
 English called the Mother-i7i-law), on the 17th of Feb- 
 ruary, 1G79, in his grand climacteric. The archbishop 
 of Paris would not allow his body to be inhumed in 
 consecrated ground, which the king being informed of, 
 sent for the archbishop, and expostulated with him ; 
 but he was an obstinate churchman, and would not 
 willingly condescend to his majesty's persuasions. The 
 king, finding him unwilling to comply, desired to know 
 how many feet deep the Holy Ground reached 1 The 
 bishop replied, " About eight." " Well," replied the 
 
44 JESTS, NEW &> OLD. 
 
 king, " I find there is no getting the better of your 
 sci-uples ; therefore let his grave be dug twelve feet, 
 that's four below your consecrated ground, and let 
 them bury him there." The archbishop was obliged 
 to comply ; for Lewis the XlVth would be obeyed. 
 
 CXLVII. 
 
 A CELEBRATED Scotch divine had just risen up in 
 -^^ the pulpit to lead the congregation in prayer, when 
 a gentleman in front of the gallery took out his hand- 
 kerchief to wipe the dust from his brow, forgetting 
 that a pack of cards was wrapped up in it. The whole 
 pack was scattered over the floor of the gallery. The 
 minister covdd not resist a sarcasm, solemn as the act 
 was in which he was about to engage. " Och, mon, 
 mon ! sure your psalm-buik has been ill-bund ! " 
 
 CXLVIII. 
 
 KILLIGREW was a man of very great humour, and 
 frequently diverted king Charles II. by his 
 lively spirit of mirth and drollery. He was frequently 
 at court, and had often access to king Charles when 
 admission was denied to the first peers in the realm. 
 Amongst many other merry stories, the following is 
 related of Killigrew. Charles IL, who hated business 
 as much as he loved pleasure, would often disappoint 
 the council by withdrawing his royal presence when 
 they met, by which their business was necessarily de- 
 layed, and many of the council much offended by the 
 disrespect thrown on them. It happened one day 
 while the council were met, and had sat some time in 
 expectation of his majesty, that the Duke of Lauder- 
 dale, who was a furious ungovernable man, quitted 
 the room in a passion, and accidently met with Killi- 
 grew, to whom he expressed himself irreverently of the 
 king. Killigrew bid his grace be calm, " for he woidd 
 
yESTS, NE W &' OLD. 45 
 
 lay a wager of a hundred pounds that he would make 
 his majesty come to council in less than half an hour." 
 Lauderdale being a little heated, and under the in- 
 fluence of surprise, took him at his word. Killigrew 
 went to tlie king, and without ceremony told him what 
 had happened, and added, " I know your majesty 
 hatea Lauderdale, though the necessity of your afiairs 
 obliges you to behave civilly to him ; now if you would 
 get rid of a man you hate, come to the council, for 
 Lauderdale is a man so boundlessly avaricious, that 
 rather than pay the hundred pounds lost in this wager, 
 he will hang himself, and never plague you more." 
 The king was pleased with the archness of this obser- 
 vation, and answered, " Then Killigrew, I'll positively 
 go ; " which he did. 
 
 CXLIX. 
 
 A DRAMATIC novice brought a play which he had 
 
 -^^ written to Douglas Jerrold, and asked his 
 opinion of it. It was very bad. Jerrold hesitated. 
 " Do you think it good?" inquired the author. "Good?" 
 repeated Jerrold, " good, dear boy 1 Good is not the 
 word." 
 
 CL. 
 
 IN DISRAELI'S second administration, Lord 
 Derby resisted a proposal to give a certain Scot- 
 tish peer the order of the Thistle, as he feared he might 
 eat it. 
 
 CLI. 
 
 T ORD SELBORNE, who was of a very pious turn 
 -Li and read prayers regularly at home, had a 
 favourite parrot wliich was kept in one of the sitting- 
 rooms. Tliis bird escaped oue day, and was reported 
 to be at the top of one of the trees at the end of Port- 
 
46 JESTS, NEW df OLD. 
 
 land Place, where they lived. Selborne and his daughter 
 hastened to try and recover the treasure. When they 
 came to the place, " Pretty Poll, pretty Poll, come, 
 then," cries Miss Palmer persuasively ; but Poll does 
 not stir. The Chancellor then takes the matter up. 
 " Stay," says he, " let me tiy ; he knows my voice 
 better." So, in a deeper voice he says, " Pretty Poll, 
 Poll, Poll, come, pretty Pull ! " " Let us pray ! " says 
 pretty Poll, from the tree top, but does not move. 
 
 CLII. 
 
 "pvR. WOODFORD, Bishop of Ely, was very noted for 
 ■^ his love of kidneys. He is said to have remarked 
 that he was so fond of them, that he thought he should 
 like to keep a sheep ! 
 
 CLin. 
 
 A LADY whose nephew was a student at Cambridge, 
 meeting a Cantab, an acquaintance, asked him, 
 how he conducted himself? " Why truly, Madam," 
 was the reply, " he is a good fellow, and sticks close 
 to Catherine Hall." " I protest," said she, " I feared 
 as much ; he was always hankering after the wenches, 
 from a boy." 
 
 CLIV. 
 
 WHEN Dancourt gave a new comedy to the public, 
 if it did not succeed, he was accustomed to 
 console himself by going to sup with some of his 
 friends, at Cheret's. One morning after the rehearsal 
 of his Agioteurs, which was to be played in the even- 
 ing for the first time, he thought of asking one of his 
 daughters, who was only ten years old, what she thought 
 of the piece. " Ah, father !" said the girl, " You may 
 go and sup this evening with Cheret." 
 
yESTS, NEW &> OLD. 47 
 
 CLV. 
 
 MY poor nephew, Lord Orford, was deranged. The 
 first symptom that appeared was his sending a 
 chaldron of coals as a present to the Prince of Wales, 
 on hearing that he was loaded with debts. He delighted 
 in what he called hook-hunting. This notable diversion 
 consisted in taking a volume of a book, and hiding it in 
 some secret part of the library, among volumes of 
 similar binding and size. When he had forgot where 
 the game lay, he hunted till he found it. — Walpoliana. 
 
 CLV I. 
 
 I SHALL tell you a very foolish but a true story. Sir 
 John Germain, ancestor of Lady Betty Germain, 
 was a Dutch adventurer, who came over here in the 
 reign of Charles IL He had an intrigue with a Coun- 
 tess, who was divorced, and married him. This man 
 was so ignorant, that being told that Sir Matthew 
 Decker wrote St. Matthew's Gospel, he firmly believed 
 it. I doubted this tale very much, till I asked a lady 
 of quality, his descendant, about it, who told me it 
 was most true. She added, that Sir John Germain 
 was in consequence so much persuaded of Sir Mat- 
 thew's piety, that, by his will, he left two hundred 
 pounds to Sir Matthew, to be by him distributed 
 among the Dutch paupers in London — Walpoliana. 
 
 CLVII. 
 
 A YOUNG man intending to study medicine, com- 
 municated his design to Voltaire. " What is 
 that you propose doing % " said he, laughing, " you are 
 going to put drugs, of which you know nothing, into 
 bodies of which you know still less." 
 
 CLVIII. 
 
 /^ARMELINE, the famous tooth-drawer, and maker 
 ^ of artificial teeth, had his portrait painted and 
 
48 yESTS, NEW &> OLD. 
 
 placed in his chamber window, with a motto taken 
 from Virgil's line on the Golden Bough, in the sixth 
 book of the ^neid : " Uno avulso, non deficit alter." 
 
 CLIX. 
 
 MENTION being made to Louis XI. of France, of 
 an ignorant person who had got a fine library of 
 books, the king said, " Ho resembles a hump-backed 
 man, who carries a burden on his back which he can- 
 not see." 
 
 CLX. 
 
 IT was said by Mademoiselle Scuderi of M. de Pelisson, 
 that he had abused the privilege which men en- 
 joyed of being ugly. 
 
 CT.XI. 
 
 "VTICHOLAS, de Bourbon, who was fond of his cups, 
 -*-^ used to say that to hear anybody read French 
 verse, gave him the sensation of drinking water. 
 
 CLXII. 
 
 RABELAIS, when he was at a great distance from 
 Paris, and without money to bear his expenses 
 thither, procured some brickdust, and having disposed 
 of it into several papers, wrote upon one " Poison for 
 Monsieur," upon a second, " Poison for the Dauphin," 
 and on a third, "Poison for the King." Having made 
 this provision for the royal family of France, he laid his 
 papers in such a manner that they might be seen by 
 the landlord who was an inquisitive man, and a loyal 
 subject. The plot succeeded as he could wish : the 
 host secured his guest, and gave immediate information 
 to the secretary of state of what he had discovered. 
 The secretary presently sent down a special messenger, 
 who brought up the pretended traitor to court, and 
 provided him, at the king's expense, with proper ac- 
 
yESTS, NEW 6^' OLD. 49 
 
 commodation on the road. As soon as he appeared, 
 he was known ; and his powder, upon examination, 
 being found perfectly innocent, the jest was only 
 laughed at ; an inferior wit would probably have been 
 sent to the gallies. 
 
 CLXII. 
 
 WHEN the Duke of York was obliged to retreat 
 before the French, Sheridan gave as a toast, 
 " The Duke of York and his brave followers." 
 
 CLXiir. 
 
 I KNEW a person who occasionally gave entertain- 
 ments to authors. His fancy was to place them 
 at table, each according to the size and thickness of 
 the volumes they had published, commencing with the 
 folio authors, and proceeding through the quarto and 
 octavo, down to the duodecimo, each according to his 
 rank. — Walpoliana. 
 
 CLXIV. 
 
 GEORGE III. having purchased a horse, the dealer 
 put into his hands a large sheet of paper, com- 
 pletely written over. " What's this 1 " said his majesty. 
 ♦* The pedigree of the horse, sire, which you have just 
 bought," was the answer. " Take it back, take it back," 
 said the king laughing ; " it will do very well for the 
 next horse you sell." 
 
 CLXV. 
 
 A CLERGYMAN calling on the Gladstones, while 
 Gladstone still held the reins, Mrs. Gladstone 
 entertained him, till her husband, who was upstairs 
 writing, was disengaged. The minister lamented the 
 terrible state of affairs in Ireland and elsewhere, but 
 added consolingly, " There is One above us who will 
 set all right." " Oh yes," exclaimed Mrs. G., " he'll 
 be down directly." 
 
50 yESTS, NE W 6^ OLD. 
 
 CLXVI. 
 
 SYDNEY SMITH once said of Macaulay, when he 
 was a trifle less than usually talkative, that he 
 had had some brilliant flashes of silence. One evening 
 when Gladstone had been engrossing the conversation, 
 and some one presumed to inten-upt by making a few 
 remarks, Mrs. G. complained that poor William could 
 not get in a word. 
 
 CLXVII. 
 
 THE late Prince Consort used occasionally to visit 
 Baron Marochetti's studio in Thui'low Squai'e. 
 Once, when he called, the Baron was out, and as the 
 Prince turned to go away, the boy asked whom he 
 should say, when his master returned. " Tell him that 
 Prince Albert called," said the Prince. " Walker /" said 
 the boy. 
 
 CLXVIII. 
 
 MR. RICHARD SHUTE, a Turkey merchant in the 
 time of Charles I., lived in Leadenhall Street, 
 where the India House used to stand, and had a ceun- 
 try-seat at Barking, in Essex. There he had a very 
 fine bowling green, as he delighted much in that exer- 
 cise. The King, who was also fond of it, once told Mr. 
 Shute, whom he nicknamed Satin-Shufe, from the satin 
 doublet he was accustomed to wear, he would dine 
 with him one day, and try his skill on his bowling- 
 green. The King went, and was so pleased with the 
 place, it being very retired, and likewise with Mr. 
 Shute's skill, (he being considered one of the best 
 bowlers of his time) that he frequently afterwards vi- 
 sited Barking Hill unattended, except by three or four 
 gentlemen in waiting. On these occasions, he visited, 
 as he would say, to drop state, and enjoy himself as a 
 
JESTS, NEW &- OLD. 51 
 
 private man. They generally played high, and punc- 
 tually paid their losings ; and though Shute often won, 
 yet the King would, one day, play higher than usual, 
 until, having lost several games, he gave over. " An' 
 it please your Majesty," said Shute, " one thousand 
 pounds more : perhaps the tide may turn ! " " No, 
 Shute," replied the King, laying his hand on his shoul- 
 der, " Thou hast won the day, and much good may it 
 do thee. But I must remember I have a wife and 
 children." 
 
 CLXIX. 
 
 ROBERT BURTON, who wrote the Anatomy of 
 Melancholy y was a shy scholar, who had mixed 
 very little in the world. He was sitting once in his 
 bookseller's shop at Oxford, when the Earl of South- 
 ampton came in, and asked for a copy of his work. 
 Says the bookseller, " My Lord, if you please, I can 
 shew you the author." He did so. "i/r. Burton,^' 
 says the Earl, " your sei'vant." " Mr. Southampton" 
 says Mr. Burton, "your servant; " and away he went, 
 terribly confused. 
 
 CLXX. 
 
 SOME good stories are told of the Lancashire and 
 Yorkshire self-helped men. George Taylor of 
 Bradford ordered a carriage, and his maker asked him 
 whether he desired a coat of arms on the panels. Tay- 
 lor said he did, and, added he, " I will have the 
 
 same as Sam Cooper." of the same district, came 
 
 to London, to buy horses, engage servants, order 
 liveries, and so on, and at last, turning to his tailor, 
 asked him if there was anything else he had not thought 
 of. " Oh," said the man, " cockades, sir, are usual" — 
 so cockades were sent down. They arrived late on 
 Saturday night, and on Sunday the man was to go to 
 
 E 2 
 
52 yESTS, NEW S' OLD. 
 
 Bingley church in state. The box containing the 
 cockades was opened, but the question was, what to 
 do with them 1 He asked his wife. She thought that 
 men wore them in their hats ; a capital idea. On went 
 one of the cockades to one side of the master's hat, and 
 then to look uniform the second to the other side, and 
 with this head-dress the millionaire and bis family 
 proceeded to Bingley church, of course much to the 
 edification of the London flunkeys. 
 
 CLXXI. 
 
 SIR WALTER SCOTT'S nephew was once much 
 terrified by a large turkey-cock, which upset 
 him, and sprang on his back. The lad as soon as he 
 was disengaged from the biid, ran into the house, and 
 into Sir Walter's room. " What's the matter, mon '\ " 
 said Scott. " Sare," replied the boy, " ha' been heald 
 doon by Boobbly jock." 
 
 CLXXII. 
 
 A MAN met a German acquaintance. " Ah ! you 
 are going into business ! " "0 yes." " Taken 
 ofiices ;" " yes." *' But you have no capital 1 " 
 no, have no capital, but great experience." " How 
 then 1 " " Uh I know a gentleman with capital." " He 
 will be your partner 1 " yes ; I have the experience 
 and he has the capital. I have agreement for three 
 years ; at end of three years he will have the experi- 
 ence, and I shall have the capital." 
 
 CLXXIII. 
 
 A STORY, oddly illustrative of the way in which 
 the spirit of lifting sun'ived or lingered in Scot- 
 land down to the close of the last century, was told 
 some years ago (Dec. 29, 1875), in a paper. A foreign 
 g^-fuidee went to dine at a Scotish duke's in the High- 
 
yESTS,NEW&' OLD. 53 
 
 lands ; he had a magnificent jewelled snuftbox, which 
 after dinner he passed round. It went from one to 
 another, but had disappeared, before it reached the 
 owner again. No intelligence could be obtained of 
 it, till the Duke's valet or attendant, undressing him, 
 discovered the missing property in his master's pocket, 
 and taking the incident, instead of mere absence of 
 mind, to be a bit of the genuine old Border spirit 
 peeping out, exclaimed with much glee, " I saw your 
 Grace pouch it ! " 
 
 CLXXIV. 
 
 WHEN Bentley was about to start his maga7Jne, 
 he was uncertain as to the title. There was a. 
 consultation about it. Said Bentley, " Well, I was 
 thinking of calling it the " Wit's Magazine," — and 
 then again — I thought perhaps it might do to call it 
 ♦ Bentley s Magazine ! " " Well," said Blanchard, ** You 
 need not go from one extreme to the other ! " 
 
 CLXXV. 
 
 THE late Mr. Henry Huth gave me an instance of 
 the mild humour which is found from time to 
 time in the caterers for the public amusement. As he 
 was passing Punch one day in the street, he stopped 
 for a moment to look on, and of course the man imme- 
 diately presented himself, and with doffed hat says he, 
 " Shall I take your cheque, to-day, my lord ? " 
 
 CLXXVI. 
 
 TECHNICAL expressions ai*e apt to mystify the 
 uninitiated. A nervous old lady, in a railway 
 carriage had as her only companions a couple of artists, 
 who engaged in professional conversation. " Look," 
 cried one to the other, to the infinite astonishment of 
 their only auditor, " how capitally that old woman in 
 the red cloak in the distance carries off yonder 
 house ! " 
 
54 JESTS, NEW &> OLD. 
 
 CLXVII. 
 
 IT is said that Jerrold, meeting Peter Cunningham, 
 asked him what he had had for dinner. " Calves' 
 tails," said Cunningham. " Ah ! dear boy," returned 
 Jerrold, " extremes meet." 
 
 CLXXVIII. 
 
 ONE evening at Lamb's somebody was speaking of 
 the future state, and describing the way in which 
 we should move about like angels with wings. " Why," 
 broke in Coleridge, " you don't believe in that sort of 
 poultry 1 " 
 
 CLXXVIX. 
 
 WHEN Thackeray went to Oxford to make arrange- 
 ments for delivering a series of lectures at that 
 University, he waited on the vice-chancellor, and asked 
 his permission to lecture within the precincts. " Pray'" 
 was the first inquiry, " what can I do to serve you % " 
 " My name is Thackeray." " So I see by this card." 
 " I seek permission to lecture within the precincts." 
 "Ah ! you are a lecturer; what subjects do you under- 
 take — religious or political % " Neither, I am a literary 
 man." " Yes 1" "I am the author of Vaniti/ Fair." 
 " I presume, a dissenter — has that anything to do with 
 John Bunyan's book 1 " " Not exactly ; I have also 
 written Pendennis." " Never heard of these works, but 
 no doubt they are proper books." "I have also con- 
 tributed to Punch." " Punch ! I have heard of that. 
 Is it not a ribald publication % " 
 
 CLXXX. 
 
 MEREWETHER, the Queen's Counsel, was famous 
 in legal circles for his humour. A stranger met 
 him on the staircase of his chambers and thus accosted 
 him, " You are Mr. Jones, I believe ? " ** Sir, if you 
 
yESTS, NEW &- OLD. 55 
 
 believe that, you will believe anj'thing," was his quiet 
 rejoinder. Travelling by the Great Western to his 
 circuit, he wished to have the carriage to himself in 
 order to study a brief, and having for his single com- 
 panion a mild clergyman, he got rid of him by affecting 
 insanity. This he did so naturally that all the clergy- 
 man's efforts, after the first quarter of an hour, were 
 directed to soothe and conciliate his fellow passenger. 
 As they passed the great Middlesex Asylum, he ob- 
 served, like a nurse with a fractious child, " How pretty 
 Hanwell looks from the railway." " Ah," answered 
 Merewether, grimly, with a slight bark, " You should 
 see how the railway looks from Hanwell." At the next 
 station the divine got out precipitately, and left the 
 lawyer to himself. 
 
 CLXXXI. 
 
 MAZARIN said of Louis XIV. : " I find in him 
 enough to make four Kings and one honest 
 man." 
 
 CLXXXII. 
 
 THE wife of a small farmer in Perthshire went to a 
 chemist with two prescriptions — one for her hus- 
 band, and the other for her cow. Finding she had not 
 money to pay for both, the chemist asked her which 
 she would take. — " Gie me that for the coo," said the 
 wife; " if he were to dee, I could sune get another 
 mon ; but I'm not sae sure if I would sune get another 
 coo." 
 
 CLXXXIII. 
 
 HJ. BYRON, standing with a friend at the door 
 • of the Garrick Club, saw Labouchere, proprietor 
 of the World, Edmund Yates, who is rather stout, and 
 their solicitor, George Lewis, coming along together. 
 " Look, Jack," said he, " Here's the World, the Flesh, 
 and the Devil." 
 
56 yESTS, NEW b- OLD. 
 
 CLXXXIV. 
 
 WHEN Labouchere had seceded from the World 
 newspaper, and started Truth in opposition, 
 some one at the club said to him, " what is Tmih ? " 
 ** Another and a better World 1" he is said to have re- 
 plied. 
 
 CLXXXV. 
 
 CHARLES LAMB and Ayrton making a party at 
 whist, Ayrton took a trick by trumping. " Ah ? " 
 said he, " When Greek meets Greek, then comes the 
 tug of war." " But when yow meet Greek," retorted 
 Lamb, " you can't read it." 
 
 CLXXXVI. 
 
 A MISSIONARY, sent to convert some Negro tribe, 
 -^^ asked Sambo in a solemn tone, if he had found 
 Jesus. " God Almighty, massa," retiirned Sambo, 
 simply, " Am him lost 1 " 
 
 CLXXVII. 
 
 O OME one mentioning to Lord Byron the rise of a 
 ^ new star in the poetical firmament, he said, " Yes, 
 another damned scribbler like myself — not so good, I 
 hear." 
 
 CLXXXVIII. 
 
 TTTILLTAM Hazlitt, meeting Charles Wells, a young 
 '* solicitor, who had then recently published 
 " Joseph and his Brethren," said to him, " Bye-the 
 bye, I have read your poem ; I consider that it shews 
 great genius j and — I advise you to stick to your pro- 
 fession." 
 
 CLXXXIX. 
 
 Tj^ORSTER, author of the Life of Goldsmith and other 
 -*- works, was a remarkably pompous person. He 
 
JESTS, NEIV ^ OLD. 57 
 
 is remembered as Lady Lytton's " butcher's boy." He 
 once said to Laman Blanchard in his usual grandiose 
 style, " Blanchard, I'm thinking of taking chambers in 
 the Albany." " Ah ! " replied the other, " we've got 
 Albany Fonblanque, and then we shall have Albany 
 Forster ! " 
 
 cxa 
 
 CATNACH, the ballad-printer, was a well-to-do man 
 in later life, and lived at Dancer's Hill, near Bai*- 
 net. He was rather given to intemperate habits, and 
 a neighbour of his, going home one evening, heard 
 some one groaning by the roadside, and found the 
 noise proceeded from a man, who had fallen into the 
 ditch. This was Catnach. 
 
 cxci. 
 
 IN the ledger at the India House, where the rates of 
 interest were entered from half per cent upwards, 
 Charles Lamb wrote, " This is a book of interest, and 
 the interest increases as you proceed." 
 
 CXCII. 
 
 A MAN, meeting a Jew, knocked him down. The 
 Jew got up. He knocked him down again. A 
 third person came up, and asked him why he did it. 
 " Because the Jews crucified our blessed Saviour, to be 
 sure," he replied. " 0, but," returned the new-comer, 
 " that was 1800 years ago." " Can't help it," coolly 
 answered the assailant, " only heard of it last night." 
 
 CXCIII. 
 
 SHERIDAN, being told that the lost tribes of Israel 
 had been found, said he was glad to hear it, as ho 
 had nearly exhausted the other ten. 
 
58 yESTS, NEW &» OLD. 
 
 CXCIV. 
 
 HENRY REEVE, Clerk of the Privy Council, when 
 he published his memoirs relating to the last 
 reign, gave offence to the Queen, and his resignation 
 was suggested. "Very well, " said Reeve, " I shall 
 then have plenty of leisure to complete the other three 
 volumes, taking in the reign of Her Majesty," The 
 demand was not pressed ; but the work has been con- 
 tinued since Reeve's death. 
 
 cxcv. 
 A CURIOUS account is given of the circumstances 
 under which John Black lost his editorship of the 
 Morning Chronicle. At the annual dinner given to 
 the staff, to which certain celebrities of the day were 
 always invited. Black, in response to the toast of his 
 own health, observed in concluding — " And it's surely 
 a very fine thing for my friend Easthope to find him- 
 self among such distinguished characters and one of 
 the proprietors of a journal like this ! I recollect well 
 when he and I came up to London together, and the 
 only difference betwixt us was that / had shoes, and 
 he had none." "Ah! John Black," whispered Sir 
 John Easthope's partner, by whom the editor sat ; 
 " you've put your foot in it, John Black ! " And so it 
 proved ; for Black was shortly afterwards informed that 
 his services could be dispensed with. 
 
 cxcvi. 
 
 CHARLES LAMB hearing Martin Burney observe 
 that he did not like acids, said, " I know, Martin, 
 of one acid, which would do you good — acid-vaij." 
 
 CXCVII. 
 
 MR. FIRTH, in his speech at Chelsea, March 26th, 
 1879, against the aggressive foreign policy of 
 Disraeli's government, told, apropos of some blunder of 
 the then First Lord of the Adrnkalty, a story of an 
 
yESTS, NEW &* OLD. 59 
 
 American Secretary of the Navy, who had never seen 
 the sea. One day, this functionary was taken down 
 to one of the Navy yards to see one of the national 
 ironclads, and he was taken on to the deck of the vessel, 
 and after examining its mechanism above, he looked 
 down with the greatest astonishment through the hatch- 
 way into the hold, whereupon he made a very memo- 
 rable remark. It is by no means elegant, but it is 
 certainly American : " Why the darned thing's 
 hollow ! " 
 
 CXCVIII. 
 
 rriHE story they tell of Hudson the railway-king and 
 -*- his wife being invited to dinner at Stafford 
 House, seems to me strikingly illusti-ative of the sub- 
 servience of our aristocracy to any reigning star, how- 
 ever paltry. The Marquis of Staflford was shewing 
 Mrs. Hudson, when he led her down to dinner, the 
 valuable curiosities on the staircase and in the hall. 
 " And what is that, my Lord ] " asked she, pointing to 
 a bust of Marcus Aurelius. " 0, that is Marcus Aure- 
 lius," he replied. " The present Markis, or the late, 
 my Lord % " was the rejoinder of the Duke of Suther- 
 land's honoured guest of the evening. 
 
 cxcix. 
 " T WOULD not recommend Jones to my relations, 
 -*- but I would to others. I should be very sorry 
 for the other people, but they were not my relations." 
 Evidence of the Defendant in Jones v. Duchess of West- 
 minster. 
 
 " Speak the same truth to all — absurd ! 
 
 I have her Grace's ducal word : 
 
 ' If other people should require 
 
 A maid, she's all you can desire. 
 
 If Gower or Grosvenor asked ' so sad ! 
 
 Jones won't suit you, my dear : she's mad !' " 
 -eWorld, April 9th, 1879. 
 
6o JESTS, NEW ^ OLD. 
 
 cc. 
 
 WHEN Peter the Great was in England, he once 
 attended a meeting of Parliament, where the 
 King (William III.), had come to give his assent to a 
 bill. But Peter, not wishing to be seen, viewed the 
 proceedings through a hole in the ceiling, which gave 
 rise to a saying by some one, that he had seen the 
 rarest thing in the world, a palace with a king on the 
 throne and an emperor on the roof. 
 
 cci. 
 
 IT is related, as characteristic of the ardour of Sco- 
 tish nationality, that, at a representation of 
 Home's Douglas at Glasgow or Edinburgh, a Scotch- 
 man turned, at some striking passage in the drama, 
 and said to a Southron at his elbow : " And wher's 
 your Wully Shakespeare noo 1 " 
 
 ecu. 
 
 TWO Scotch lairds conversing, one said to the other 
 that he thought they were wiser than Solomon. 
 " How's that ] " said the other. " "WTiy," said the first, 
 " he did not know whether his son might not be a 
 fool, and we know that ours' are sure to be." 
 
 CCIII. 
 
 WHEN William IV. came to the throne, S. T. 
 Coleridge observed that we had had in England 
 many kings ; wise kings, foolish kings, great kings, 
 little kings, fortunate and unfortunate, and almost 
 every other possible variety, but now," said he, " we 
 have a blackguard King." 
 
 cciv. 
 
 DEAN Stanley meeting Bishop Wilberforce at a 
 party, the two happened to confront each other. 
 
y£STS, NEW a' OLD. 6i 
 
 Stanley recollected what Cicero had said, that he 
 wondered how two Augurs could face each other with- 
 out laughing, and remarked to Soapy Sam, " Here are 
 we two Augurs face to face ! " 
 
 ccv, 
 
 A LITTLE boy, who had had some insight into the 
 disposal of surplus kittens, on being shown his 
 mama's newly arrived twins, laid his finger on that 
 which struck his fancy, and said, " That's the one I'll 
 have kept." 
 
 ccvi. 
 
 G ARROW, who was afterwards Solicitor-General, 
 was more famed for his pleasant voice and skill 
 as a cross-examiner than for his legal knowledge. Once, 
 however, he met with his match in a conjuror. He 
 asked this man whether he did not tell people's for- 
 tunes, and after a good deal of beating about the bush, 
 the witness admitted it, and offered to tell Garrow's. 
 " What is it, then ] " asked Garrow,*' Why, you made 
 your first speech at the Old Bailey, and you'll make 
 your last there," 
 
 CCVII, 
 
 AT a dramatic entertainment in Venezuela, they 
 wanted to introduce the Devil on the boards, 
 and not wishing to offend either the white or the black 
 population, the manager adopted the plan of bringing 
 on the old gentleman in a pepper and salt dress. 
 
 CCVIII. 
 
 WHEN an attempt was first made to assassi- 
 nate Henry IV. of France, he was struck in the 
 mouth, and he said, " I knew irom their mouths that 
 they did not lovo me, and now I know it from my 
 own." 
 
62 JESTS, NEW &> OLD. 
 
 CCIX. 
 
 SIR WALTER SCOTT used to say that his friends 
 might be very bad accountants, but were very 
 good book-keepers. 
 
 OCX, 
 
 TTTHEN the Duke of Wellington was told that Mr. 
 ' ' Jones the artist, who was nicknamed " Welling- 
 ton " Jones, was often mistaken for him, and imitated 
 his dress, even to wearing a military cloak with a red 
 lining, the great duke quietly replied, " How very odd ! 
 I am never mistaken for Mr. Jones ! " 
 
 ccxi. 
 
 ALFRED TENNYSON'S father, when the future 
 laureate brought him some verses which he had 
 made, gave him, they say, half a sovereign, with the 
 remark that it was the first and last money he would 
 ever get by writing poetry. 
 
 CCXII. 
 
 DR. LAW, Bishop of Carlisle, Lord Ellenborough's 
 father, had in his early life written and prin- 
 ted some political parody on a religious subject, and 
 when Hone was on his trial before Ellenborough for a 
 similar offence, he offered to hand up to the bench a 
 copy of the Bishop's production. The Chief Justice 
 extended one hand with a deprecatory gesture. It is 
 said that it was his last appearance in Coiu't. 
 
 CCXIII. 
 
 A LADY, more remarkable for her vanity than her 
 ■^ charms, said in the presence of Lord Houghton, 
 that she had had hundreds of men at her feet. " Chi- 
 ropodists," suggested the Cool of the Morning, sotto voce. 
 ccxiv. 
 
 WORDSWORTH observed to Lamb,that he thought 
 Shakespeare a good deal over-rated, and that 
 
JESTS, NEW &> OLD. 63 
 
 he thought, if he had a mind, he could write as welL 
 Lamb answered, " Yes, that's all that would be neces- 
 sary." 
 
 ccxv. 
 
 I HEAR a story — probably a hen trovato — about 
 Trench, Archbishop of Dublin, when he was made 
 Archbishop. A page-boy wanted to know, when he 
 brought up the water and boots, what he was to say, and 
 Trench said, "My Lord, the boy." The unfortunate lad 
 knocked at the door next morning, and when his master 
 cried out, " Who's there ? " returned, " The Lord, my 
 boy!" 
 
 CCXVI. 
 
 AFTER Thoms had started Notes and Queries, with 
 his Captain Cuttle motto, a member of the House 
 of Lords, with which he was officially connected, met 
 him and said, " I like your new thing, Thoms, but who 
 was Captain Cuttle? " 0, my lord," replied the other, 
 " He was a friend of Charles Dickens." 
 
 CCXVII. 
 
 WHEN it was a question of making an index to 
 Macaulay's History, the aiithor was asked 
 whether he had any preference in the matter ; but he 
 said that he did not mind, as long as they did not em- 
 ploy any damned Tory. Henry Campkin, Secretary 
 of the Reform Club, did it, I believe ; and I have un- 
 derstood that he was a Tory at heart. 
 
 CCXVIII. 
 
 ASCOTISH Lord was very favourably impressed 
 by Mr. H. G. Bohn after a first interview, and 
 pronounced him to be a very clever and agreeable per- 
 son. The next time, however, when my lord called, 
 Bohn and his kindred were throwing books at each other, 
 
64 JESTS, NEW &» OLD. 
 
 to the accompaniment of angry expressions. When my 
 lord saw his friend again, he had changed his view. 
 " Ah ! the de'il has shawn his cla," quoth he. 
 
 ccxix. 
 
 A LADY, who had heard a good deal of the Hamp- 
 shire Hogs, went down into the county, and 
 came across a very nice civil little boy, who shewed 
 her part of the way, and seemed remarkable for his 
 polish and courtesy. She thought she must have been 
 fortunate enough to meet with a stranger, or that the 
 Hampshire folk had been maligned, " My boy," she 
 inquired mildly, " you do not belong, I suppose, to 
 these parts % " " You're a liar, I do ! " was the nice 
 little lad's reply. 
 
 ccxx. 
 
 WHEN Jerrold lived on Putney Lower Common, he 
 was, as usual, very short of money, and behind- 
 hand with his landlord. The latter, after many appli- 
 cations, at last said, " Really, Mr. Jerrold, if I do not 
 get my money soon, I must put a man in." " You 
 could not," said his tenant, " make it a woman, I 
 suppose 1 " 
 
 ccxxi. 
 
 SIR George Jessel, the Jew master of the Rolls, 
 dining at a Club with Cordy JeafFreson and a 
 couple of others, Jessel took the chair. When the first 
 dish of meat came on, Jeafireson, who knew what it was, 
 smiled. Jessel asked him his reason. " 0," said he, 
 " only the pleasure of seeing you in the chair to-night." 
 It was roast pork. 
 
 CCXXII. 
 
 AT a masquerade, given by S. W. Reynolds of Black 
 Lion Lane (now Queen's Road), Bays water, at 
 
yESTS, NEW dr' OLD. 65 
 
 which my grandfather and grandmother Eeynell were 
 present, one of the masks was Chantrey. A second 
 mask came up, and Chantry said, " You can't tell me 
 who I am ! " The other replied, " Shan't try."— 
 
 r. c. H. 
 
 CCXXIII. 
 
 LORD FALMOUTH, who sold off his stud in 1884 
 from a feeling of distaste for the unhealthy con- 
 dition of the turf, is said never to have betted but 
 once, when he laid sixpence on Lady Bertha with his 
 trainer's wife, and lost it. He sent her the coin set in 
 diamonds. 
 
 CCXXIV 
 
 MADAME ROTHSCHILD, wife of one of the early 
 members of this family, — I believe, Mr. Nathan 
 Rothschild, — lived to be 98. On her deathbed, she 
 said to her attendant, " dear doctor, can you do no- 
 thing for me ? " " Nothing, madam," he replied, " I 
 cannot make you young again." " No," she persisted, 
 " I do not want that, but I should like to live to grow 
 old." 
 
 ccxxv. 
 
 A CURIOUS notion is derived of the ignorance of 
 people in the country districts — even of those who 
 take some sort of interest in reading — from the story 
 of a man, who happened to have a copy of Josephus, 
 and undertook to read it to his fellow-villagers chapter 
 by chapter in the evenings after work; and his hearers 
 paid rapt attention to the narrative, and would hardly 
 let him break off in the middle of some exciting episode, 
 taking the events which he was describing to be some- 
 thing which had occurred quite recently elsewhere. 
 
66 JESTS, NEW &- OLD. 
 
 CCXXVI. 
 
 TTTHElSr the Queen visited Trinity College, Cam- 
 ^ ' bridge, of which the Crown is patron, during 
 the mastership of Whewell, the latter met her with, 
 " I welcome your Majesty to my house." " My house, 
 Dr. Whewell," the queen rejoined. 
 
 ccxxvii. 
 "AJOR GAISFORD told a curious story of his 
 father, the Dean of Christchurch, when they 
 both went abroad together, and called on DindorfF, the 
 great German scholar and editor of Herodotus. The door 
 w^as opened by a little shabby man, who was asked if 
 llerr Dindorff lived there. He looked at Gaisford, 
 considered, and then said, " Ich ben Dindorff." Then 
 the other gave him his card, which he studied atten- 
 tively, and at last exclaiming, Gaisford f threw his 
 arms around the Dean's neck, and kissed him on both 
 cheeks. 
 
 CCXXVIII. 
 
 A N obscure gentleman, named Leitch, was in com- 
 ■^^ pany with Jerrold, and it was a question how he 
 spelt his name. Jerrold, or some one else present, 
 asked whether he spelt it like John Leech the artist. 
 " dear, no !" replied Mr. Leitch, disclaiming any af- 
 finity. "Ah! to be sure," said Jerrold, ** you'x-e Leech 
 with the itch" 
 
 ccxxix. 
 
 THE Baron de Merger, when I was staying with him 
 at Plessis La Barbe, near Tours, in 1853, told me 
 that his father, a general officer in the French service 
 in the time of Napoleon I., had been pressed by the 
 Emperor to become one of his aides-de-camp, but de- 
 clined, and that Napoleon, whenever he saw him, re- 
 
yESTS, NEW Of OLD. 67 
 
 minded him of this, saying, " Ah ! M. de Merger, but 
 why would you not become my aide-de-camp 1 " — 
 W. O. H. 
 
 ccxxx. 
 
 SOME one asked Mr. Registrar Hazlitt if he was re- 
 lated to the celebrated author of that name. 
 " Yes," said he, "I am his son." " Dear me, sir," 
 returned the inquirer, " what a fine genius he was ! 
 what an admirable work that is of his, the Select Poets 
 of Great Britain, sirl" — a mere compilation, with 
 which Hazlitt had next to nothing to do ! Such is 
 fame ! 
 
 ccxxxi. 
 A N American laid a wager of 100 dollars with an- 
 -^^ other man, that he would throw him over a river. 
 They went down to the bank, and he took his com- 
 panion up, gave a great heave, and threw him into, 
 but not over, the river. His friend claimed the money. 
 " Oh," said he, " I didn't say I would do it the first 
 time ; I'll manage it before I have done." No further 
 trial took place. 
 
 CCXXXII. 
 
 A lady and gentleman conversing together, the latter 
 observed that he always slept in gloves, because 
 it made his hands so soft. " Do you sleep in your 
 hat, too ? " the lady asked. 
 
 CCXXXIII. 
 
 WHEN Lord Palmerston was at the Home Office, 
 a stipendiary magistracy fell vacant, and aflood 
 of applications of coui'se poured in for the post. When 
 Palmerston came the next time, he eyed the heap of 
 letters, and said to his private secretary, " What's all 
 this 1 " and on being informed, he added, " Do they 
 
 F 2 
 
68 JESTS, NEW &> OLD. 
 
 think I'm going to read all these damned things 1 — 
 D'ye know any one who would do 1 " His secretary 
 recommended Mr. Burrell, a friend of his, and Palmer- 
 ston gave him the berth. 
 
 ccxxxiv. 
 
 HJ. BYRON was solicited to read a MS. play 
 • written by a lady ; but he said that he had no 
 time. " Would he just cast his eye over it then % " " 0, 
 yes, he did not object to cast his eye over it." The 
 MS. came, as Byron supposed, of the play ; but, though 
 long enough for a drama, it turned out to be only the 
 prologue. He declined to see any more, but told the 
 authoress he feared it would be to lengthy for per- 
 formance — he mentioned to a friend that he fancied it 
 would have occupied about a fortnight in representa- 
 tion. 
 
 ccxxxv. 
 
 A FRENCHMAN, who supposed himself well ac- 
 quainted both with our language and constitu- 
 tion, observed, in reference to our practically republican 
 government, that Queen Victoria was only a puppy. 
 
 ccxxxvi. 
 
 CARLYLE happened, in the presence of Thackei-ay, 
 to speak in terms of qualified admiration of Titian. 
 *' Oh ! " said he, " they talk a gi-eat deal about Titian; 
 / could never see much in him." Thackeray tapped 
 him on the shoulder, and whispered, '* Do you think 
 that is Titian's fault ? " 
 
 ccxxxvii. 
 
 SOME one observing to Carlyle that if Jesus Christ 
 were to come among us, he would be persecuted 
 as he was among the Jews. " Oh, no/' replied Carlyle, 
 
JESTS, NEW &* OLD. 69 
 
 " He'd just be made a lion of, and Monckton Milnes 
 'd ask him to breakfast." 
 
 CCXXXVIII. 
 
 AT the trial of Home Tooke, Sir John Scott, after- 
 wards Lord Eldon, was for the Crown, and in 
 the course of his address, he declared with emotion, 
 followed by tears, that he should have nothing to leave 
 to his children but his good name. " What's he cry- 
 ing for ] " said some one to Tooke. " 0," returned the 
 latter, " he's thinking what a small patrimony he will 
 leave his family 1 " 
 
 ccxxxix. 
 
 MR. REGISTRAR HAZLITT used occasionally to 
 meet a person, who to any remark he made to 
 him had the same invariable rejoinder. " Ditto, the 
 same to you, sir." He once observed to this individual 
 that so-andso was a very distinguished writer, and he 
 at once came out with, "Was he? ah! indeed! — 
 Wdl, ditto, the same to you, sir." 
 
 CCXL. 
 
 TALLEYRAND, attending the death-bed of a friend, 
 who was in great agony, heard him say that he 
 was suffering the pains of the damned. " Comment ? 
 Deja?" quoth the other. 
 
 CCXLI. 
 
 IT was said of Sydney Godolphin that he was never 
 in the way, and never out of the way, and of 
 Charles, Earl of Peterborough, that he was always in 
 a hurry and always too late. 
 
 COXLII. 
 
 HARLEY, the actor, had a street band playing before 
 his house in Bell and Horns Lane, Brompton, 
 and when the men had finished, they rang the bell for 
 a gratuity. Harley told his servant to shew them in. 
 
70 JESTS, NEW &* OLD. - 
 
 "Well?" said he, rather sharply, when they stood 
 silently expectant. " We thought your honour would 
 give us something !" at last said one of them. " Give 
 you something," retorted Harley, in affected astonish- 
 ment ; " I thought you had come in to offer an apology 
 for making such a villanous noise." 
 
 CCXLIII. 
 
 AT an auction, when H. G. Bohn had been making 
 one of his veracious statements, somebody present 
 had the hardihood to say, " Well, Mr. Bohn, that is 
 the biggest lie that ever you told, and it must he a big 
 one. 
 
 ccxuv. 
 
 A JEW thanked heaven that he was bom a man, 
 for said he, ** If I had been bom a woman, Lord 1 
 what a w I should have been ! " 
 
 CCXLV. 
 
 COLERIDGE, meeting an old clothesman, who cried, 
 as usual, " 0' clo', 0' clo,' " stopped, and asked 
 him, why he persisted in saying 0' do' instead of old 
 clothes. Moses looked hard at him for a moment, and 
 then replied drily, " If your honour had to say it five 
 hundred times a day, you'd say 0' do' too." The 
 philosopher passed on. 
 
 CCXLVI. 
 
 JERROLD, ordering some wine at a tavern, said, 
 " Waiter, bring a bottle of your old port — not 
 your elder port, mind." 
 
 CCXLVII. 
 
 IN 1871, the deposed French emperor, visiting the 
 International Exhibition at South Kensington, 
 was much interested by the cai'd-printing machine. 
 
yESTS, NEW &- OLD. 71 
 
 The person in charge printed on a card " L Emj^ertur 
 Najjoleon" and shewed it to him. His Majesty laugh- 
 ingly observed, ** Ex," and passed on. 
 
 CCXLVIII. 
 
 A N Irish fisherman passed himself off to the 
 -^^ captain of a ship on the coast of Ireland as a 
 qualified pilot. He knew nothing of the coast. " This 
 is a very dangerous shore here," said the captain to 
 him, when he was on board. " Yes, it is, your honour," 
 replied the tellow. " There are a great many 
 dangerous rocks about here, I hear," observed the 
 captain. "Yes, there are, and," a dreadful crash coming, 
 " this is one ofthem,^^ coolly returned the fisherman. 
 
 CCXLIX. 
 
 M HENRI MONNIER de la Sizeranne, a member 
 • of the French Chamber of Deputies, and after- 
 words a senator, had been raised to the rank of Count, 
 and somebody inquired which name he must call him 
 by. The President Dupiu replied : " Les uns I'apel- 
 lent Monnier, les autres de la Sizeranne, et tout le 
 monde Henri {en rit)." 
 
 CCL. 
 
 TTvURING the famous Tichborne case, tried in 1871, 
 ■^-^ the Solicitor General (Coleridge) was leader for 
 the defence, and was very fond of saying to the Claim- 
 ant every now and then, " Would you be surprised to 
 hear ? " or as the case might be, Tichborne generally 
 replying, that he would not be at all surprised. A 
 caricature portrait of Coleridge, which appeared in the 
 Hornet at the time, had this inscription : " Would 
 you be surprised to find that I am the Solicitor- 
 General 1 " 
 
72 JESTS, NEW &> OLD. 
 
 CCLI. 
 
 AN old woman, walking down the church-aisle 
 during service in a large red cloak, heard the 
 Minister say, " Lord, have mercy upon us ! " then the 
 clerk repeated," Lord, have mercy upon us ! " and then 
 the whole congregation echoed, " Lord, have mercy 
 upon us ! " " Bless my heart ! " cried she, stopping 
 short, *' Did ye never see an old woman in a red cloak 
 before." 
 
 CCLII. 
 
 A POOR counsel at the Court of Bankruptcy got so 
 small a share of practice, and was said to be so 
 willing to accept any fee which was offered, that Mr. 
 Aldridge and he were known as the Crown Solicitor and 
 the Half-Crown Barrister. 
 
 CCLII. 
 
 LORD MANSFIELD had an old woman brought 
 before him as a witch, and among other things 
 she was charged with riding through the air. The 
 great judge dismissed the case, observing : " My 
 opinion is that this good woman should be suffered to 
 retiuTi home, and whether she do so walking on the 
 ground, or riding through the air, must be left to her 
 own judgment ; for there is nothing contrary to the 
 laws of England in either." 
 
 CCLIV. 
 
 JERROLD once told his wife that he thought when 
 a woman reached forty, her husband ought to be 
 allowed to treat her like a bank-note — change her into 
 two twenties. 
 
 M 
 
 CCLV. 
 
 ANNING, Charles Lamb's Chinese correspondent, 
 had announced a present of silk for Miss Lamb, 
 
JESTS, NEW ^ OLD. 73 
 
 as on its way throuKh Mr. Knox. Some delay occurring, 
 Lamb, writing to his friend, made a humorous com- 
 plaint of the non-arrival of the parcel. Nox longa, said 
 he. 
 
 CCLVI. 
 
 THIS reminds us of Douglas Jerrold and his epitaph 
 on Charles Knight—" Good Night." 
 
 CCLVII. 
 
 "O AEHAM, author of the Ingoldshy Legends, speaking 
 ■^ one day at dinner of having seen the illumina- 
 tions for the Prince of Wales's christening in 1842, said 
 in reference to the A. E. displayed everywhere, " Ah ! 
 he'll make acquaintance with the other three vowels, 
 before he comes of age." 
 
 CCLVIII. 
 
 A CITY merchant advertised for a porter, who feared 
 the Lord, and could carry 300 cwt. 
 
 CCLIX. 
 
 A BOOKSELLER apprised a gentleman, who 
 happened to call at his shop, that it was his in- 
 tention to fit up a room overhead, and furnish it 
 appropriately, to receive his literary customers. The 
 gentleman applauded this as a good notion. " Yes," said 
 the other, " I'm going to do it well, this," pointing to 
 an old chair of not very prepossessing aspect, " will do 
 for one — Louis Quarts, you know," he added with a 
 mixture of complacency and gusto. Taking up a book, 
 which lay near, he thought it necessary to inform his 
 visitor, that it was an Aldus — " some call him Al- 
 dine, you know." 
 
 OCLX. 
 
 TWO eminent railway projectors of the present day, 
 meeting each other to talk over a scheme, in 
 
U yESTS, NEW a^ OLD. 
 
 ■which they were supposed to have equal interest, one 
 began by explaining his views to the other. Sir E. W. 
 listened with much attention, and when his friend F. 
 had done, he quietly demanded, " And where do I 
 come in, James ? " 
 
 CCLXI. 
 
 CHARLES LAMB, in a letter to his friend Manning, 
 says, " Hazlitt has written a grammar for God- 
 win. Godwin sells it bound up with a treatise of his 
 own on Language. But the grey mare is the better 
 horse." 
 
 CCLXII. 
 
 SIR STEPHEN FOX, brother of Charles, and also a 
 man of enormous siv.e, happening to go thump, 
 thump, with his great legs through a street in London, 
 where the paviers were at work, in the middle of July, 
 the fellows immediately laid down their rammei-s. 
 " Ay, God bless you, master," cries one of them, " it 
 was very kind of you to come this way ; it saves us a 
 deal of trouble this hot weather." 
 
 CCLXIII. 
 
 QUEEN ELIZABETH took much pleasure in the 
 occasional society of Dr. David Whitehead, who 
 was a great opponent of the celibacy of the clergy. 
 The queen, who did not like married divines, said to 
 him one day : " Whitehead, I like thee all the better, 
 because thou art unmarried." "Indeed, madam," 
 replied the doctor, bluntly, " I like your Majesty all 
 the worse for the same reason." 
 
 A 
 
 CCLXIV. 
 
 MAN who had a large family, and but very 
 moderate means to support them, was lamenting 
 
yESTS, NEW ^ OLD. 75 
 
 how difficult it was to make both ends meet to an 
 acquaintance of no family and a large fortune. "We 
 shoidd not repine," replied his friend ; " He that sends 
 mouths, sends food." " That I do not deny," replied 
 the other ; " only permit me to observe, He has sent 
 me the mouths^ and you the food." 
 
 CCLXV, 
 
 LORD BRAXFIELD, the Scotch judge, once said to 
 an eloquent culprit at the bar, " You're a vera 
 clever chiel, mon ; but I'm thinking ye wad be nana 
 the waur 0' a hangin'." 
 
 CCLXVI. 
 
 " "P^ID you present your account to the defendant ?" 
 J-^ inquired a lawyer of his client. " I did, your 
 houovir." " And what did he say ? " " He told me 
 to go to the devil." " And what did you do then?" 
 " Why, then I came to you." 
 
 OCLXVII, 
 
 AMONG the conditions of sale by an auctioneer in 
 a midland county was the following : " The 
 highest bidder to be the buyer, unless some gentleman 
 bids more." 
 
 CCLXVIII. 
 
 A FRENCH dancing-master asked one of his friends, 
 if it was really true that Harley was made Count 
 of Oxford, and Chief Treasurer of England. On being 
 answered in the affirmative, " That amazes me,'' said 
 he ; " what merit can the queen have found dans ce 
 Harley ? For my part, I have had him under my 
 hands these two years, and cannot make anything of 
 him ? " 
 
76 JESTS, NEW df' OLD. 
 
 CCLXIX. 
 
 JERROLD once went to a party at which Mr. Pepper 
 had assembled his friends, and said to his host on 
 entering the room, " My dear Mr. Pepper, how glad 
 you must be to see your friends mustered ! " 
 
 CCLXX. 
 
 A MAN who wanted to buy a horse asked a friend 
 how to tell a horse's age. " By his teeth," was 
 the reply. The next day the man went to a horse- 
 dealer, who shewed a splendid black horse. The horse- 
 hunter opened the animal's mouth, gave one glance 
 and turned on his heel. " I don't want him," said 
 he ; " he's thirty-two years old." He had counted the 
 teeth. 
 
 OCLXXI. 
 
 STERNE, who used his wife very ill, was one day 
 talking to GaiTick in a fine sentimental manner, 
 in praise of conjugal love and fidelity. " The hus- 
 band," said Sterne, " who behaves imkindly to his 
 wife, deserves to have his house burnt over his head." 
 " If you think so," said Garrick, " I hope your house 
 is insured." 
 
 CCLXXII. 
 
 HOOD said he was forced to make broad grins under 
 narrow circumstances, and be a lively Hood for 
 a livelihood. 
 
 CCLXXIII. 
 
 AN Irishman exclaimed, at a party where Theodore 
 Hook shone as the evening star, " Och, Master 
 Theodore, but you are the Iwok that nobody can halt!* 
 
 CCLXXIV. 
 
 SOMEBODY complained to Frank Talford, that at a 
 new club which had been established in Ai'undel 
 
yESTS, OLD &^ NEW. 77 
 
 Street, there was no getting anything to drink. " Well, 
 then," said Talfourd, " one must come drunk." 
 
 CCLXXV. 
 
 OME one was saying, that his great-grandfather, 
 ^ and his grandfather, and his father, all died at 
 sea, and a friend recommended that he should neA'er 
 go to sea himself. " Where did your great-grand- 
 father, and grandfather, and father die 1 " the man 
 inquired of the other. " In their beds," said he. 
 " Then if I were you," said the first, " I should never 
 go to bed." 
 
 CCLXXVI. 
 
 A MAN, who was asked what sort of wine he pre- 
 -^ ferred, replied, " Other peoples." 
 
 CCLXXVIl. 
 
 A FRIEND meeting Frank Talfourd in the street 
 on a very cold day, said to him; " Why, my dear 
 fellow, you never wear a great-coat ! " " No," replied 
 Talfourd, " I never was." 
 
 CCLXXVIII. 
 
 BISHOP BURNET, who was a tall, large-boned 
 man, preaching once with some vehemence before 
 King Charles the Second, closed one of his sentences 
 with a violent thump upon the cushion and this note 
 of interrogation — Who dares deny it 1 " Nobody," 
 said the king in a whisper, " who stands within the 
 reach of that devilish great fist of yours." 
 
 CCLXXIX. 
 
 AN honest curate in the country remonstrating 
 with a married couple who did not live together in 
 the most agreeable union, on the indecency and even 
 sinfulness of their contentions, since they were, in the 
 
78 yESTS, NEW &> OLD. 
 
 eye of God and man, but one. " But oiie/ " cried out 
 the husband ; " surely if you were to come by the 
 door, and hear us in the height of our quarrels, you 
 would swear we were twenty." 
 
 OCLXXX. 
 
 A CLERGYMAN coming to one of the Yea and Nay 
 profession for his Easter offering, the Quaker 
 kindly asked him in, begged him to seat himself, and 
 then inquired if he would eat anything ; and on the 
 parson answering in the negative, he proceeded with 
 asking him if he would drink tvith him, and then, if he 
 would smoke a pipe with him ? to all which the parson 
 answered no. " Well, friend," says Yea and Nay, " I 
 have offered thee a meat-offering, a drink-offering, and 
 a biirnt-offering, and I know of no other offering 
 mentioned in the Scriptures ; so, if thee will not accept 
 of those, I wish thee good-day, friend, for I shall offer 
 thee no more." 
 
 OCLXXXI. 
 
 AS Anstee (the actor) was returning home with 
 some jovial companions through Bath, about 
 three in the morning, they accidently met with the 
 watch, who was regularly crying the hour. In the 
 mirth of heart they were in, this was construed by 
 some of the bucks to be a sort of satire upon them for 
 keeping bad hours. Anstee, therefore, insisted that 
 the fellow should cry past eleven o'clock instead 
 of three, on pain of corporal punishment. After 
 some remonstrance, the poor man was obliged to 
 comply ; but, before he had finished his oration, 
 suddenly recollecting himself, he said, shrewdly " I 
 know the hour I am to call, hwt pray, gentlemen, what 
 sort of weather would you choose to have ?" " Sunshine/ 
 you scoundrel, to be sure — sunshine;" upon which 
 
yjiSTS, NEW a^ OLD. 79 
 
 (notwithstanding it was raining at that time violently) 
 the accommodating watchman gravely cries out, in the 
 proper key — " Fast eleven o'clock, and, hy particidar 
 desire, a sunshiny moi'ning ! " 
 
 CCLXXXII. 
 
 TTTHEN the British and American armies were near 
 '" each other in the neighbourhood of German 
 Town, five Hessian soldiers, who had straggled in the 
 woods, and lost their way, were met by an Irishman, 
 who was a private in Washington's army. He im- 
 mediately presented his piece, and desired them to 
 surrender. They, supposing that he was supported by 
 a party of the enemy, did as he directed, and threw 
 down their arms. He then marched them before him 
 to the American lines, and brought them to head- 
 quarters. General Washington, wondering at the 
 spirit and achievement of the fellow, asked him how 
 he, a single man, could capture five % " Why," said 
 the Irishman, " plase your Excellency, by Jasus, / 
 surrounded them ! " The General, who was very seldom 
 known even to smile, laiighed heai-tily at the bull, 
 gave him a sum of money, and promoted him to a 
 halbert. 
 
 CCLXXXIII. 
 
 BEAU NASH took a hack one night at Temple Bar, 
 and bad the man drive to Berkeley Square. The 
 fellow, who had been wishing for the usual time for 
 going home, swore, as he was mounting the box, that 
 he should be glad to drive his fare to hell. " Do you 
 consider," said Nash, when they were come to Berkeley 
 Square, " that if you had driven me to hell, as you said 
 just now you should be glad to do, you must have 
 gone there yourself" " You mistake, sir," replied the 
 fellow, " for I should have backed you in." 
 
8o JESTS, NEW d^ OLD. 
 
 CCLXXXIV. 
 
 A SHREWD politician was asked by a certain no- 
 bleman, why the Germans were foremost to begin, 
 and the last to end a continental war ? " My lord," said 
 the politician, " if the Germans scattered their gold, 
 and we fought for bread, the balance of power would 
 soon be settled by those whom it concerns." 
 
 CCLXXXV. 
 
 AN Irish gentleman was visited by a friend, who 
 found him a little ruffled, and being asked the 
 reason of it, said he had lost a new pair of black silk 
 stockings out of his room, that had cost him eighteen 
 shillings ; but that he hoped he should get them again, 
 for that he had ordered ..hem to be cried, and had 
 offered half-a-crown reward. The other observed that 
 the reward was too little for such valuable stockings. 
 " Poh," said the Irish gentleman, " I ordered the crier 
 to say they were worsted." 
 
 CCLXXXVI. 
 
 WHEN Beau Nash was ill. Doctor Cheyne wrote a 
 prescription for him. The next day, the doctor 
 coming to see his patient, inquired if he had followed 
 his prescription 1 " No, faith, doctor," said Nash, " if I 
 had, I should have broken my neck, for I threw it out 
 of the two pair-of-stairs window." 
 
 CCLXXXVII. 
 
 JACK WEEKS said of a great man just then dead, 
 who pretended to some religion, but was none of 
 the best livers, " Well, I hope he is in heaven. Every 
 man thinks as he wishes ; but if he be in heaven, it 
 were a pity it were known." 
 
yESTS, NEW o" OLD. 
 
 CCLXXXVII. 
 
 JACK WEEKS said of a great man, just then dead, 
 who pretended to some religion, but was none of 
 the best livers, " Well, I hope he is in heaven. Every- 
 man thinks as he wishes ; but if he be in heaven, it 
 were a pity it were known." 
 
 CCLXXXVII I. 
 
 COLONEL CHARTRES, reflecting on his ill life and 
 character, told a certain nobleman, " That if such 
 a thing as a good name was to be purchased, he would 
 fi'eely give ten thousand pounds for one." The noble- 
 man said, " It would certainly be the worst money 
 you ever laid out in your life." " Why so T said the 
 honest colonel. "Because," answered the peer, " you 
 would forfeit it again in less than a week." 
 
 CCLXXXIX. 
 
 TT'RANCIS I. being told of a captain who never 
 J- knew what fear was, said, " Then he never 
 snuffed a candle with his fingers." 
 
 CCXC. 
 
 ■jUr ONSIEUR GOUSSAUT^ President of the Cham- 
 -'-'-L ber of Accompts, was celebrated for stupidity. 
 One day standing behind a player at piquet, who did 
 not know him, the player throwing a foolish card, 
 exclaimed, " I am a mere Goussaut !" The president, 
 enraged at finding his name used as a proverb, said, 
 "you are a fool." "True," said the other, without 
 even looking back, " that is just what I meant to 
 say." 
 
 CCXCI. 
 
 A NOT very intellectual lord, with the cordon bleu, 
 seeing a fine diamond on the hand of a lady, 
 said rudely, " I would rather have the diamond than 
 
 G 
 
82 yESTS, NEW &- OLD. 
 
 the hand." The lady, hearing him, answered, " And 
 I woiild rather have the collar than the puppy." 
 
 CCXCII. 
 
 RICH's abilities as a harlequin are well known. 
 One night, after the entertainment, he got into 
 a hackney-coach, and ordered the man to drive him 
 to the Sun Tavern, in Clare Market. It happened 
 that, as the fellow was driving by the window, Rich 
 perceived it to be open, and threw himself out of the 
 coach into the room. The coachman, having turned 
 the cornel*, drove up to the house, and getting from 
 the box, opened the coach door, and let down the 
 step ; then taking off his hat, he waited some time, 
 expecting his fare to r.light ; but at last, looking into 
 his coach, and seeing it empty, he bestowed a few 
 hearty curses on the rascal that had cheated him, and 
 remounting his box, turned about, and was driving 
 the same way back. As he passed again by the win- 
 dow, Rich watched the opportunity, and again threw 
 himself into the coach ; asked where he was going, 
 and bid him turn and come once more to the Sun 
 Tavern door. When Rich got out, after reproaching 
 the fellow for his stupidity, he would have given him 
 his fare. " No, God bless your honoui'," says the 
 man, " my master has ordered me to take no money 
 to night." " Why then," says Rich, "he is a fool, 
 and here is a shilling for yourself." " No," said the 
 man, who by this time had mounted his coach-box, 
 " that won't do ; I know you too well for all your 
 shoes ; and so, Mr. Devil, for once you are outwitted." 
 
 CCXCIII. 
 
 A MAN, who wanted to get rid of his house, car 
 "^ ried about a stone of it as a specimen. 
 
yESTS, NEW q:' old. 83 
 
 CCXCIV. 
 
 TOWARD the close of the battle of Inkermann, 
 Lord Raglan was returning from taking leave of 
 General Strangeways, and was going up towards the 
 ridge. A sei'geant approached caiTying canteens of 
 water for the wounded, and as Lord Raglan passed he 
 drew himself up to make the usual salute, when a 
 round shot came bounding over the hill, and knocked 
 his forage-cap off his head. The man calmly picked 
 up his cap, dusted it on his knee, placed it carefully 
 on his head, and then made a military salute, and all 
 without moving a muscle of his countenance. Lord 
 Raglan was delighted with the man's coolness, and 
 said to him, "A neat thing that, my man !" — " Yes, 
 my lord," replied the sergeant with another salute ; 
 " but a miss is as good as a mile." 
 
 ccxcv. 
 /^NE day Joe Haines, the actor, was arrested by two 
 ^^ bailiffs for a debt of twenty pounds, just as the 
 Bishop of Ely was riding by in his carriage. Quoth 
 Joe to the bailiffs, " Gentlemen, here is my cousin, 
 the Bishop of Ely ; let me but speak a word to him, 
 and he will pay the debt and costs." The bishop 
 ordered his caniage to stop, while Joe close to his ear 
 whispered — " My lord, here are a couple of poor 
 waverers, who have such ten-ible scruples of conscience 
 that I fear they will hang themselves !" " Very well," 
 replied the bishop. So, calling to the bailiffs, he said 
 — " You two men come to me to-morrow, and I will 
 satisfy you." The bailiffs bowed and went their way. 
 Joe went his way too. In the morning the bailiffs 
 repaired to the bishop's house. " Well, my good men," 
 said his reverence, " what are your scruples of con- 
 science?" "Scruples !" replied the bailiffs, "we have 
 
 G 2 
 
84 yESTS, NE W &> OLD. 
 
 no scruples ; we are bailiffs, my lord, who yesterday 
 arrested your cousin, Joe Haines, for twenty pounds. 
 Your lordship promised to satisfy us to-day, and we 
 hope you will be as good as your word." The Bishop, 
 to prevent any further scandal to his name, imme- 
 diately paid the debt and costs. 
 
 ccxcvi. 
 
 MOORE was not less a wit than a man of sentiment. 
 A beautiftd woman who wore on her breast a 
 miniature likeness of her ugly husband, asked him, 
 "Whom he thought it was like ?' — "I think," said the 
 poet, "it is like the Sai-acen s Head on Snow Hill." 
 
 OCXCVII. 
 
 A FELLOW was charged with stealing a piece of 
 cloth from a dry-goods store, when the lawyer 
 put in the plea, that his client did not see it. " Not 
 gee it T said the recorder. " Why, I mean, sir, that 
 the individual charged with stealing that cloth did not 
 see it, sir — he could not see it — iCs an invisible green 1" 
 
 CCXCVllI. 
 
 WHEN Sir John Sinclair moved in the House of 
 Commons for a reward of a thousand pounds 
 to be granted to Mr. Elkington, whom he stated to 
 be the best artist for draining the country, a member, 
 who sat next him, whispered : " You forget the King 
 of Prussia and the Emperor of Germany, who have 
 both shown themselves successful artists in that sort 
 of way." 
 
 ccxcix. 
 
 SIR ROBERT WALPOLE, at the close of his admi- 
 nistration, was sitting one evening with some 
 intimate friends, to whom he was complaining of the 
 
yESTS, NEW &> OLD. 85 
 
 vanities and vexations of ofl&ce ; adding from the 
 second epistle of the second book of Horace : — 
 " Lusisti satis, edisti satis, atque bibisti ; 
 Tempus abire tibi est." 
 " Pray, Sir Robert," said one of his friends, " is 
 that good Latin ?" " Why, I think so ; what objec- 
 tion have you to it !" " Why," said the other dryly, 
 *' I did not know but the word might be brihisti in 
 your Horace." 
 
 occ. 
 "DENSLEY, before he went on the stage, was an 
 -*-' officer in the army. Meeting one day a Scotch- 
 man, who had been in the same regiment, the latter 
 was very happy to see his brother officer ; but being 
 ashamed to be seen in the street with a player, he 
 hurried him into an obscure coffeehouse, when he 
 began to remonstrate with him on his thus disgracing 
 the honourable profession to which he had belonged. 
 " But," added he, " what do you make by this new 
 business of yours '?" Bensley said, " From seven hun- 
 dred to a thousand a year." " A thousand a year !" 
 exclaimed Sawney, "hae ye ony vacancies in your 
 corps ]" 
 
 ccci. 
 
 BENJAMIN FRANKLIN constantly wore spectacles. 
 As he was walking one day in Ludgate Street, 
 a porter passing him was nearly pushed off the pave- 
 ment by an unintentional motion of the doctor. The 
 fellow, much irritated, exclaimed, '* Damn your spec- 
 tacles !" The doctor smiling, made answer, " It is 
 not the first time they have saved my eyes" 
 
 CCCII. 
 
 IN a great storm at sea, when all expected to be 
 cast away, they went to prayers. In the midst 
 of their devotion, a boy fell laughing. The captain 
 
86 yESTS, NEW &> OLD. 
 
 asked him what he meant by it ? " Why, truly, sir," 
 said he, " I laugh at that man's fiery nose there, to 
 think what a hissing it will make by and by, when 
 it comes into the water," 
 
 CCCllI. 
 
 TTIPIGRAM on the statue of George I. being placed 
 ■^-^ on the top of Bloomsbury Church : — 
 
 " The King of Great Britain was reckon'd before 
 The head of the Church by aD Protestant people ; 
 His Bloomsbury subjects have made him still more, 
 For by them he is now made the head of the steeple." 
 
 CCCIV. 
 A N eminent critic was reading a fine passage in 
 -^^ Homer to his friend, who was a mathematician. 
 " ]\Iy dear sir," replied the philosopher, " what does 
 all this jn^oveV 
 
 cccv. 
 A STUDENT, shewing the Museum at Oxford to a 
 -*^ party, produced, among many other curiosities, 
 a rusty sword. " This," said he, " Is the sword with 
 which Balaam was going to kill his ass." One of 
 the company observed that he thought Balaam had 
 no sword, but only wished for one. " You are right," 
 replied the student, " and this is the very sword he 
 wished for." 
 
 CCCIV. 
 
 AMEjVIBER of the Scottish bar, when a youth, was 
 somewhat of a dandy, and rather short and sharp 
 in his temper. He was going to pay a visit in the 
 country, and was making a great fuss about the pre- 
 paring and putting up of his habiliments. His old 
 aunt was much annoyed at aU this bustle, and stopped 
 him by the somewhat contemptuous question, " Whaur's 
 this you're going, Robby, that ye mac' sic a grand 
 
JESTS, NEW 6^ OLD. 87 
 
 ware about your claise ?" The young man lost his tem- 
 per, and pettishly replied, " I'm going to the devil." 
 "Deed, Robby, then," was the quiet answer, "ye 
 needna be sae nice ; he'll just tak' ye as ye are." 
 
 CCCVII. 
 
 TTTHEN Charles Lamb was at the India House, the 
 ' ' authorisies did not, it is said, find him particu- 
 larly punctual in his arrival in the morning. " Mr. 
 Lamb," said his chief to him one day, " you come here 
 rather late." " Y-yes, I-I do," replied he, " but — but, 
 con-consider how ear-early I go-go !" 
 
 CCCVIII. 
 
 A MINISTER, examining some of his parishioners 
 -^^ before the sacrament asked one fellow, " What 
 art thou by nature T " A tailor, sir," said he. 
 
 cccix. 
 
 AYRTON, Charles Lamb's friend, only made one 
 joke in his life ; it was this. Lamb had his usual 
 Wednesday evening gathering, and Martin Burney and 
 the rest were playing at whist. Ayrton contented 
 himself with looking on. Presently he said to Burney, 
 in an undertone, the latter not being notorious for his 
 love of soap and water, " Ah ! Martin, if dirt were 
 trumps, what hands you'd hold !" 
 
 oocx. 
 
 SIR DRUE DRURY, when about to tender the Bible 
 to a fellow, asked him if he understood what he 
 was about, and what an oath was % " Yes, sir," said 
 he, " I hope I have not to learn that at these years." 
 " Pr'ythee, let me hear what is an oath T said Sir Drue. 
 " Sir," answered the fellow, " As God shall judge my 
 soul,' is as good an oath, I think, as any man can 
 swear on a summer's day." 
 
yESTS, NEW Cf^ OLD. 
 
 CCCXI. 
 
 A SILLY priest of Trumpingtou having to read that 
 place, Eli, Eli, lama sahachthani, began to consi- 
 der with himself, that it would be ridiculous and 
 absurd for him to read it as it stood, because he was 
 vicar of Trumping-ton, and not of Ely ; and therefore 
 he read it, Trumpington^ Truinpington, lama sahach- 
 thani. 
 
 CCCXII. 
 
 AT a literary club, of which Jerrold was a member, 
 a gentleman, who was not very popular with some, 
 often attended. On one occasion, this person hap- 
 pened to be remarking, in Jerrold's hearing, that there 
 was a particular song which he thought so objection- 
 able, that he could scare Jy stay in the room if it was 
 sung. " Can no one," asked Jerrold, " favour us with 
 that song V 
 
 CCCXIII. 
 
 THE late Mr. Angus Reach would have it that his 
 name ought to be pronounced Re-ah. Jerrold, 
 one evening, over dessert, said, " If you please, Mr. 
 Re-ak, will you hand me a pe-ah T 
 
 CCCXIV, 
 
 A T one of the meetings of the Literary Club, a 
 ■^-^ dish of peas was brought in, become almost 
 gray with age. " Carry these peas to Kensington ;" 
 said one of the party. " Why to Kensington T said 
 another. " Because it's the way to Turn 'em Green." 
 Goldsmith, going home in the evening with Sir Joshua 
 Reynolds, observed that he would have given five 
 pounds to make so excellent a pun. " You shall have 
 the opportunity on Tuesday, when you are to dine 
 with me, and none of the same company will be pi-e- 
 sent." Tuesday came, and the dinner was served up ; 
 
"/? 
 
 Md hn-vh 
 
 
 J Z//' /%HM ^-'^ 
 
 f./ J..- 
 
 
 
 4 
 
 'a 
 
 )/ PU^ r'^l-^' 
 
 /•^^^.z 
 
yESTS, NE W &- OLD. 89 
 
 amongst the other dishes was a plate of peas of the 
 same description, ** Carry these peas to Kensing-ton," 
 says Goldie. " Why so T " Because it's the way to 
 make them green." 
 
 cccxv. 
 
 WHILE the late Mr. Dyce was seeing through the 
 press his edition of Beaumont and Fletcher's 
 works, he had frequent occasion to visit the printer's 
 office. One day the principal partner, who was a par- 
 ticularly clever man, happened to return to the office, 
 and asked the other member of the firm, who was 
 rather less so, whether any one had called. " Oh, yes," 
 said he, " that troublesome fellow who is always in and 
 out ; I don't know whether you caU him Beaumont or 
 Fletcher !" 
 
 CCCXVI. 
 
 A DIGNIFIED clergyman going down to his living 
 -^^ to spend the summer, met, near his house, a 
 comical old chimney-sweeper, with whom he used to 
 chat. " So, John," says the Never-Sweat, " whence 
 come you T " From your house, sir," says Mr. Soot, 
 " for this morning I swept all your chimneys." " How 
 many were there 1" says the parson. " Not less than 
 twenty," quoth John. " Well, and how much a chim- 
 ney have you"?" " Only a shilling a piece, sir." "Why, 
 then," said the parson, "you have earned a great deal 
 of money in a little time." " Yes, yes, sir," says John, 
 thi'owing his bag of soot over his shoulder, " we black- 
 coats get our money easy enough." 
 cccxvii. 
 
 BARON B . the celebrated gambler, well known 
 by the name of " The left-handed baron," being 
 detected once at Bath secreting a card, the company, 
 in the warmth of their resentment, threw him out of 
 the window of a oue-pair-of-stairs room, where they had 
 
90 yESrS, NEW a^ OLD. 
 
 been playing. The baron, meeting Foote some time 
 after, was loudly complaining of this usage, and asked 
 what he should do. " Do !" says the wit, " Why, 
 it is a plain case : never play so high again as long 
 as you live." 
 
 CCCXVIII. 
 
 T ORD COCKBURN, the proprietor of BonaUy, 
 -*-^ was sitting on a hillside with a shepherd ; and 
 observing the sheep reposing in the coldest situation, 
 he observed to him, " John, if I were a sheep, I would 
 lie on the other side of the hill." The shepherd an- 
 swered, " Ay, my lord, but if ye had been a sheep, ye 
 would hae had mair sense." 
 
 cccxix. 
 "pENNANT, the antiquary, had an unaccountable 
 -L antipathy to wigs. Dining at Chester with an 
 officer who wore this covering for the head, when they 
 had drunk pretty freely, after many wistfiil looks, 
 Pennant started up, seized the caxon, and threw it into 
 the fire. The wig was in a moment in flames, and so 
 was the officer, who immediately drew his sword. Down- 
 stairs flies Pennant, and the officer after him, through 
 all the streets of Chester ; but the former escaped 
 through superior local knowledge, 
 cccxx. 
 
 A PREACHER having in his sermon asserted that 
 God made everything perfect, a hunchback, 
 who had listened attentively, met the parson as he was 
 going out, and asked him, " Do you really think that 
 I am perfect V '' Yes," answered he, gravely, " a 
 very perfect hunchback." 
 
 cccxxi. 
 
 IN the early display of Garrick's powers at Drury 
 Lane, a tragedy was brought forth in which he 
 sustained the character of an aged king. Though 
 
JESTS, NEW ^r' OLD. 91 
 
 there was nothing remarkably brilliant in the play, it 
 proceeded without opposition till the fifth act, when 
 the dying monarch bequeaths his kingdom to his two 
 sons, in this line — 
 
 " And now between you I bequeath my crown " — 
 
 a wicked wit in the pit exclaimed — 
 
 "Ye gods 1 he's given them half-a-crown a piece !" 
 
 This threw the house into such comical convulsion, 
 that not another word of the piece could be uttered. 
 
 CCCXXII. 
 
 SELWYN seeing the chimney-sweeps parading on 
 May-day in all their tinsel finery, observed, " I 
 have often heard of the Majesty of the People; but I 
 never before saw any of the young princes. 
 
 CCCXXIII. 
 
 A PRIEST at Florence, being a fisherman's son, had 
 a net every day spread on his table, to remind 
 him of his origin, and an abbacy falling vacant, this 
 meritorious humility procured him to be chosen abbot. 
 The net was then spread no more. Being asked the 
 reason, he answered, " The fish is caught." 
 
 cccxxiv. 
 
 IN the early period of Swift's life, while he held the 
 small living of Larocar, in Ireland, he used to be 
 shaved by a barber, whom he liked as a good-natured, 
 facetious fellow. Strap one day told him that he in- 
 tended also to sell ale, by way of helping him on, 
 " and," added he, " as your reverence is good at these 
 sort of things, may I beg of you to give me something to 
 put on my sign." "With all my heart," answered 
 Swift. " What do you mean to be your sign V " The 
 Jolly Barber," replied he, " with a razor in cue hand 
 
92 J^ESTS, NEW ^^ OLD. 
 
 and a pot of beer in the other." " Then," said Swift, 
 " Avrite under it : — 
 
 " Koam not from pole to pole, but enter here, 
 Where nought exceeds the shaving but the beer." 
 
 CCCXXV. 
 
 HALKERSTON'S cow" is a Scotch proverb, of 
 which the following is the origin : — A tenant 
 of I;ord Halkerston, who was one of the judges of the 
 Court of Session, one day waited on his lordship with 
 a woeful countenance. " My lord," said he, " I am 
 come to inform your lordship of a sad misfortune, my 
 cow has gored one of your lordship's cows, so that I 
 fear it cannot live." " Well, then, you must pay for 
 it." " Indeed, my lord, it was not my fault, and you 
 know I am a very poor mar." " I can't help that ; I say 
 you must pay for it ; I am not to lose my cow." 
 " Well, my lord, if it must be so, T cannot say against 
 your lordship — but stop, my lord, I believe I have 
 made a mistake ; it was your lordship's cow that gored 
 mine." " Oh ! that is quite a different affair — go along, 
 and don't trouble me j I am busy — go along, I say." 
 
 cccxxvi. 
 
 SELWYN had an unaccountable propensity for seeing 
 executions. When a man was to be broken on 
 the wheel at Paris, he went thither on purpose to 
 enjoy the speatacle. A number of provincial execu- 
 tioners attended, and on ascending the circle round 
 the scaffold, were welcomed by their Parisian brother, 
 as Monsieur de Lyons, Monsieur de Boulogne, etc. 
 Selwyn found means to obtain a place among the 
 assemblage. M. de Paris, proud of being honoiu-ed 
 by the pi-esence, as he thought, of the English execu- 
 tioner, saluted him as Monsieur de Tyburn. George 
 answered, " Vous me faites trop d'honneur ; je ne suis 
 pas un artiste, mais seulement uu amateur." 
 
A 
 
 JESTS, NEW ^ OLD. 93 
 
 CCCXXVII. 
 
 N important discovery was made of a stone 
 prostrate in a field, having this inscription : — 
 
 KEE 
 
 PONT 
 
 HISS 
 
 IDE 
 
 The learned antiquaries, puzzled, made every inquiry 
 as to the meaning of the legend. At length the farmer, 
 on whose groimd it was discovered, explained the 
 difficulty by informing them that the stone had been 
 put up by his grandfather, to direct persons to keep 
 on, this side."* 
 
 CCCXXVIII. 
 
 SYDNEY SMITH spoke of a lady's smile being so 
 radiant that it would force a gooseberry-bush into 
 flower. 
 
 cccxxix. 
 
 A YOUNG person telling him that he did not 
 know something, Smith said, " All ! what you 
 don't know would make a great book." 
 
 cccxxx. 
 
 LUTTRELL said of a man, that he was always as 
 disagreeable as the occasion would permit. 
 
 cccxxxi. 
 
 SYDNEY SMITH, when talking with a friend on 
 the subject of Bible names, could not remember 
 the name of one of Job's daughters. " Kezia," said 
 his friend. Smith congi-atulated him upon being so 
 well read in biblical lore. " Oh !" said he, " my three 
 greyhounds are christened after Job's daughters." 
 
 * " The School for Wits," 1813, p. 123. 
 
94 yESTS, NEW &' OLD. 
 
 CCCXXXII 
 
 a YDNEY SMITH said that he did not think that 
 ^ Macaulay had ever heard his voice ; but when he 
 told a good story, he thought to himself, " Poor 
 Macaulay ! he will be very sorry some day to have 
 missed hearing this." 
 
 CCCXXXIII. 
 
 TTE said of three sisters, that they were all so beau- 
 -'--L tiful that Paris could not have decided between 
 them, but must have cut his apple in slices, 
 cccxxxiv. 
 
 WHEN some one asked what could have induced 
 the Ministry to send Lord M. to Ireland and 
 Lord C. to Scotland, Jekyll said, " Oh ! it is only 
 the doctor who has put wrong labels on them." 
 cccxxxv. 
 
 SYDNEY SMITH tells a story of a man, who went 
 jogging along the road, till he came to a turn- 
 pike. "What is to pay?" "Pay, sir? for what]" 
 " Why, for my horse, to be sure V " Here is no 
 horse, sir !" " No horse ! God bless me !" said he, 
 looking down between his legs, " I thought I was on 
 horseback." 
 
 cccxxxvi. 
 
 SCARRON used to speak of Madame de Maintenon, 
 when he married her, as bringing him only in 
 dower, " two large eyes full of malice, a fine shape, 
 a pair of beautiful hands, a great deal of wit, and a 
 rental of four louis." 
 
 cccxxxv II. 
 
 MR. RICHARD, M.P., in his speech on the fran- 
 chise Bill, 1884, related this anecdote of 
 Jerrold as illustrative of the lengths to which Con- 
 servatism may be carried. JeiTold, meeting an 
 acquaintance, who was writhing and groaning, asked 
 
y^ESTS, NEW &^ OLD. 95 
 
 him what ailed him. " 0, my dear fellow, my cursed 
 corns ! they toi'ment me so !" " Corns !" says Jerrold, 
 " why don't you cut them T " Cut them 1 — what, the 
 coma I have had twenty years 1 Cut them !" 
 
 CCCXXXVIII. 
 
 TT J. BYRON, when he was once at the sea side, 
 -*-■-• proposed to prepare for publication a popular 
 volume to be called Broad Grins from Broad Stairs. 
 
 cccxxxix. 
 TT was said, as a joke, of a celebrated firm of wine 
 -L merchants, that more came from the hedges than 
 from the butler. 
 
 CCCXL. 
 
 A STORY goes of a sailor who, in a terrible storm, 
 fell down on his knees and prayed thus : — " 
 Mister Good Almighty, do kindly save me and the 
 ship ! I'm not like some of them other chaps that 
 are always a-bothering of you, and I'll never ask no 
 favour of you again, if you'll just save me and the 
 ship now." 
 
 CCCXLI. 
 
 AT a dramatic entertainment in Dublin, where 
 Faust was being pei-formed, the part of Mephis- 
 topheles was taken by a rather corpulent artist, and in 
 passing down through the trap he stuck fast midway. 
 One of the gods cried out, " Here's a lark ! Hell's 
 full !" 
 
 cccxLia. 
 
 AT an opening of Parliament by His Majesty in 
 person, poor George III., beginning to read the 
 
 speech, said, "My lords and ," when his eye, 
 
 catching sight of the ladies in their fine dresses and 
 plumes, he added, instead of Gentlemen, '' Peacocks." 
 
96 yESTS, NEW ^ OLD. 
 
 CCCXLII. 
 
 PETER GEORGE PATMORE, author of "My 
 Friends and Acquaintance," was the son of a 
 pawnbroker on Ludgate Hill, whom he used to de- 
 scribe as a goldsmith. In 1821 he was Scott's second 
 in a duel with Christy, and Hazlitt afterwards spoke 
 of him as the d-jeiveller. 
 
 CCCXLIII. 
 
 GEORGE IV. used to fancy that he had led the 
 charge of his own regiment, the Tenth Dra- 
 goons, at Waterloo. When he mentioned this (more 
 than once) to the Duke of Wellington, the latter would 
 reply, " I've heard you say so, sir." 
 
 CCCXLIV. 
 
 A BILL being brought in for repairing a road, which 
 was almost impassable, Mr. Courtenay said he 
 would move an amendment, to make it navigable. 
 
 CCCXLV. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN, inspecting lodgings to be let, asked 
 the pretty girl, who shewed them, '^ And are 
 you, my dear, to be let with the lodgings ?' — " No," 
 answered she, " I am to be let alone." 
 
 CCCXLVI. 
 
 A DISPUTE arose as to the site of Goldsmith's 
 "Deserted Village." An Irish clergyman in- 
 sisted that it was the little hamlet of Auburn, in the 
 county of Westmeath. One of the company observed 
 that this was improbable, as Goldsmith had never 
 been in that part of the country. " Why, gentlemen," 
 exclaimed the parson, " was Milton in hell when he 
 wrote his * Paradise Lost T 
 
4f ^M:.f^'^/ 
 
 ^v- 
 
 
 »9 .z'. «,-??* 
 
 :^^^,li^./h^ 
 
 
yESTS, NEW d;' OLD. 97 
 
 CCCXLVII. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN going in a jingle to dine a few 
 miles from Dublin, the horse kicked furiously, 
 and could not be got on, at which the driver ex- 
 claimed, " Oh ! your honour, it is only the mare's a 
 little hashful — she's not used to such company as yo ir 
 honour." 
 
 CCCXLVIII. 
 
 A VAIN, but indifferent performer on the violin, 
 having amused his friend with several sonatas, 
 observed that they were very difficult. " I wish," said 
 the other, " they had been impossible." 
 
 CCCXLIX. 
 
 MOODY the actor had, at the Bristol theatre, 
 selected for his benefit *' Henry VIII," in which 
 an inferior performer, Roger Wright, was to enact 
 a part ; but not attending the rehearsal. Moody 
 reproached him for his inattention to one of Shake- 
 speare's best plays. " Best plays ! Master Moody," 
 said Roger, " why, it was damned ; look ye here, in the 
 book it is noted in the title-page as one of Shake- 
 speare's hist, plays." 
 
 CCCL. 
 
 A COMPANY happening to have a dispute con- 
 cerning the age of the famous Lord Chester- 
 field, an Irish gentleman observed that he must be 
 older than they supposed — " For," added he, " his 
 lordship must have been upwards of one and twenty 
 when he signed the bond which was forged hy Doctor 
 Doddr 
 
 CCCLI. 
 
 A MAN was drinking beer in a public house — his son 
 standing by — and when he had nearly finished 
 the contents, he handed the pot to the boy, saying to 
 some one, " Takes after father !" " Takes very little 
 after father !" muttered the boy, swallowing the dregs. 
 
98 yESTS, NEW 6- OLjD. 
 
 w 
 
 CCCLII. 
 
 'E that for hot codlings cries, 
 
 And cries not when his father dies, 
 Proves thereby that he would rather 
 Have hot codlings than his father. 
 There is a different version of this logical pleasantry, 
 with something else substituted for hot codlings ; but 
 the application is not affected. 
 
 CCCLIII. 
 
 IN a company of artists, the conversation turned on 
 the subject, whether self-taught men could an-ive 
 at the perfection of genius combined with instruction. 
 A German musician maintained the affirmative, and 
 gave himself as an example. " I have," said he, " made 
 a fiddle, which turns out as good as any Cremona I 
 ever drew a bow over, all out of my own head ; aye, 
 and I have got wood enough left to make another." 
 
 CCCLIV. 
 
 A QUACK-DOCTOR, haranguing the populace at 
 Hammersmith, said " To this village I owe my 
 birth and education ; I dearly love it and its inhabi- 
 tants, and will cheerfully give a present of a crown to 
 every one who will accept it." The audience received 
 this notice with infinite satisfaction. " Here, ladies 
 and gentlemen," added he, putting his hand into a 
 bag, and taking out a parcel of packets, " these ines- 
 timable medicines I usually sell for five and sixpence 
 each, but in favour of this my native village, I will 
 take sixpence a piece." 
 
 CCCLV. 
 
 I ERASMUS, on account of a sickly constitution, 
 -^ obtained a dispensation for eating meat in times 
 of abstinence. Being reproached by the Pope for not 
 
yESTS, NEW & OLD. 99 
 
 obsei-ving Lent, "I assure your holiness," said he, 
 " that I have a Catholic heart, but I must confess I 
 have a Lutheran stomach^ 
 
 CCCLVI. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN who died at Paris, left his estate 
 to the Jesuits, with an injunction to give his 
 son " la partie qui leur plairoit." To the son the good 
 fathers gave a very small share. A counsellor advised 
 him to sue the convent, and argued that the testator 
 had left to his son that part of the estate which the 
 fathers shovild choose. It was plain what they chose 
 by what they had kept, which the court accordingly 
 decreed to the plaintiff. 
 
 CCCLVII. 
 
 SHUTER, one day meeting a friend with his coat 
 patched at the elbow, observed he should be 
 ashamed of it. " How so 1" said the other, " it is not 
 the first time that I have seen you out at the elbows." 
 "Very true," replied Ned, "I should think nothing 
 of exhibiting twenty holes ; a hole is the accident of 
 the day ; but a patch is pi-emeditated poverty." 
 
 CCCLVIII. 
 
 MADAME DE STAEL was much admired for her 
 handsome figure, and particularly her fine ai'm ; 
 but was unfortunately disfigured by her deformed foot. 
 Being in a gallery at Paris whei-e there was an empty 
 pedestal, vain of her person, she mounted, and placed 
 herself in an attitude to display her figure to advan- 
 tage ; but unluckily one of her feet peeped out. A, wit 
 approached, and seeming to look only at the pedestal, 
 exclaimed, " le vilain Pie-de-stal /" 
 
 CCCLIX. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN had purchased a jest-book, from 
 which having selected a few tolerable stories, he 
 
 h2 
 
lOo yESTS, NEW d;' OLD. 
 
 related one of them, stating every circumstance as 
 having actually happened to himself. His youngest 
 son, a boy about nine years of age, who had occasion- 
 ally got hold of the volume, sat with evident marks of 
 impatience until his father had concluded, when he 
 jumped up and bawled, " That's in the book ! that's 
 in the book !" 
 
 OCCLX. 
 
 LORD CHESTERFIELD, speaking of himself and 
 Lord Tyrawley, when both were very old and 
 infirm, said : " Tyrawley and I have been dead these 
 two years ; but we don't choose to have it known." 
 
 OCCLXI. 
 
 CHARLES IL asked Stillingfleet how it happened 
 that he preached in general without a book, but 
 always read the sermons which he delivered before the 
 court. The bishop answered that the awe of seeing 
 before him so great and wise a prince made him afraid 
 to trust himself. "But will your Majesty," continued 
 he, " permit me to ask you a question in my turn. 
 Why do you read your speeches to Parliament 1" 
 "Why, doctor," replied the king, " I'll tell you very 
 candidly. I have asked them so often for money, that 
 I am ashamed to look them in the face." 
 
 OCCLXIL 
 
 ELWES, who united the most rigid parsimony with 
 the most gentlemanly sentiments, received a 
 present of some very fine wine from a wine merchant, 
 who knew that nothing could so win his heart as small 
 gifts. It had the effect to obtain from him the loan 
 of several hundred pounds. Elwes, who could never 
 ask a gentleman for money, and who was a perfect 
 philosopher as to his losses, used jocularly to say, " It 
 
yESTS, NEW ^ OLD. 
 
 was indeed very fine wine ; for it cost him twenty 
 pounds a bottle." 
 
 CCCLXIII, 
 
 AS a nobleman was receiving from Louis III. the 
 investure of an Ecclesiastical Order, and was 
 saying, as is usual on that occasion, " Domine non sum 
 dignus" — " I know that well enough," replied the king, 
 " but I could not resist the importunity of my cousin 
 Cardinal Richelieu, who pressed me to give it to you." 
 
 CCCLXIV. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN entering the study of a friend, a 
 votary of the muses, m his absence, and finding 
 the following unfinished stanza on his desk — 
 
 " The sun's perpendicular height 
 Illumin'd the depths of the sea." 
 
 took up the pen and thus concluded it 
 
 " And the fishes beginning to sweat, 
 Cried, damn it, how hot we shall be !" 
 
 OCCLXV. 
 
 A WOMAN at a review brought a cask of beer for 
 sale, which she cried at threepence a pint, but 
 could find no customers, a rival at the back of her 
 tent crying his for twopence. At length the Other 
 having got rid of his cargo, a person desired the woman 
 to draw him a pint, when she was not a little morti- 
 fied to find that she had not a drop left : her neighbour 
 had in fact drawn his beer out of her cask. 
 
 CCCLXVI. 
 
 ** "pRAY, tell me, squire," says the duchess, in Don 
 -*- Quixote, " is not your master the person whose 
 history is printed under the name of the sage Hidalgo 
 Don Quixote de la Mancha V " The very same, my 
 lady," answered Sancho, " and I myself am that very 
 squire of his, who is mentioned, or ought to be men- 
 
I02 yESTS, NEW ^ OLD. 
 
 tioned, in that history, unless they have changed in the 
 
 cradle" 
 
 CCCLXVII. 
 
 A YOUNG gentleman, a clerk in the Treasury, used 
 every morning, as he came from his lady 
 mother's to the office, to pass by the canal in the Green 
 Park, and feed the ducks then kept there, with bread 
 and corn, which he caiTied in his pocket for the pur- 
 pose. One day, having called his grateful friends, the 
 ducky, ducky, duckies, he found unfortunately that 
 he had forgotten them. " Poor duckies," he cried, " I 
 am Sony I have not brought your allowance, but here 
 is sixpence for you to buy some," and threw in a 
 sixpence, which one of them caught and gobbled up. 
 At the office he very wiii>ily told the story to the other 
 gentlemen there, with whom he was to dine next day. 
 One of the party, putting the landlord up to the stoiy, 
 desired him to have ducks at -table, and to put a six- 
 pence in the body of one of them, which was taken 
 care to be placed before our hero. On cutting it up, 
 and discovering the sixpence inside, he ordered the 
 waiter to send up his master, whom he loaded with 
 epithets of rascal and scoundrel, swearing that he 
 would have him prosecuted for robbing the king of his 
 ducks ; " For," said he, " gentlemen, I assure you, on 
 my honour, that yestei'day morning I gave this six- 
 pence to one of the ducks in the Green Park." 
 
 OCCLXVIII. 
 
 APAUISH clerk one Sunday, gave out three staves 
 of his own composition. After service the rector 
 asked him, " John, what psalm was that we had 
 to-day? it was not one of David's?" "David's?" 
 answered he. " No ! David never made such a psalm 
 in all his life ; it was my own putting together, 
 measter." 
 
JESTS, NEW &- OLD. 103 
 
 cccLxviiia. 
 
 THR author of the "History of Denmark" having 
 written freely on the arbitrary government of 
 that kingdom, his Danish Majesty ordered his minister 
 to complain of it to William III., who demanded what 
 he would have. " Sire," answered the ambassador, "if 
 you were to complain to the king my master of a 
 similar oflfence, he would send you the head of the 
 author." "I cannot do that," replied the monarch ; 
 " but if you wish it, the author shall state what you 
 have said in the next edition of his work." 
 
 CCCLXIX. 
 
 A MEMBER brought in a bill for the regulation of 
 -^^ watchmen, and that they might be the better 
 enabled to attend their duty, proposed a clause, 
 obliging them to sleep six hours every day. '' I 
 second the motion," said another ; " and at the same 
 time beg I may be included in the clause, as I am 
 often prevented by the gout from sleeping for a week 
 together." 
 
 OCCLXX. 
 
 AJAjMAICA planter, with a nose as fiery and rubi- 
 cund as that of the illuminating Bardolph, was 
 taking his s?es^a after dinner, when a mosquito, lighting 
 on his proboscis, instantly flew back. " Aha ! massa 
 mosquito," cried Quaco, who was in attendance, "you 
 burn foot !" 
 
 CCCLXXI. 
 
 WHEN Milton was blind, he married a shrew. 
 The Duke of Buckingham called her a rose. 
 " I am no judge of flowers," replied Milton, " but it 
 may be so, for I feel the thorns daily." 
 
 CCCLXXII. 
 
 A BUCK parson, going to read prayers at a villtige 
 in the West of England, found some difficulty 
 
I04 yESTS, NEW ^^ OLD. 
 
 in putting on the surplice. " Confound the surplice !" 
 said he to the clerk, " I think the devil is in it." The 
 clerk waited till the parson had got it on, and then 
 answered, " I think as how he be, sir." 
 
 CCCLXXIII. 
 
 A MAN sitting one evening in an ale-house, thinking 
 how to get provisions for the next day, saw a 
 fellow dead drunk upon the opposite bench. " Do you 
 not wish to get rid of this sot T said he to the landlord. 
 " I do, and half-a-crown shall speak my thanks," was 
 the reply. " Agi'eed," said the other, " get me a sack." 
 A sack was procured and put over the drunken guest. 
 Away trudged the man with his burden, till he came 
 to the house of a noted resurrectionist, at whose door 
 he knocked. "Who's there]" said a voice from within. 
 " I have brought you a subject," replied the man ; 
 " so, come quick ; give me my fee." The money was 
 immediately paid, and the sack with its contents 
 deposited in the surgery. The motion of quick walking 
 had nearly recovered the poor victim who, before the 
 other had gone two minutes, endeavoured to extricate 
 himself from the sack. The purchaser, enraged at 
 being thus outwitted, ran after the man who had 
 deceived him, collared him, and cried out, " Why, you 
 dog, the man's alive." " Alive !" answered the other; 
 " so much the better ; kill him when you want him." 
 
 CCCLXXIV. 
 
 AFTER Dr. Johnson had been honoured with an 
 interview with the King in the Queen's library 
 at Buckingham House, he was interrogated by a friend 
 concerning his reception, and his opinion of the royal 
 intellect. " His Majesty," replied the doctor, "seems 
 to be possessed of much good-nature and much curio- 
 sity, and is far from contemptible. His Majesty 
 
yESTS, NEW b' OLD. 105 
 
 indeed, was multifarious in his questions, but he, 
 answered them all himself." 
 
 CCCLXXV. 
 
 A PLAYER once complaining to Foote, that his 
 wife's drunkenness and ill-conduct had almost 
 ruined him, concluded with a phrase he had a habit 
 of using, " And for goodness' sake, sir, what is to be 
 said for it T " Nothing that I know," said Foote, 
 *' can be said for it, but a devilish deal may be said 
 against it." 
 
 CCCLXXVI. 
 
 WHEN Lord Mansfield was very eminent at the 
 bar, he used frequently to spend from Satur- 
 day evening to Monday morning at the late Lord 
 Foley's, who, though a very good sort of a man, was 
 not remarkable for either wit or talents. Somebody 
 asking Charles Townshend what could he Murray's 
 motive fcr spending so much of his time in such a 
 manner. " Phoo," says Townsend, " Murray is a very 
 prudent fellow. He is obliged to think a great deal 
 in the course of the week, and he goes down to 
 Foley's to rest his understanding on a Sunday." 
 
 CCCLXXVII. 
 
 A LADY, after performing, with the most brilliant 
 execution, a sonata on the pianoforte, in the 
 presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to the philosopher, 
 took the liberty of asking him if he was fond of 
 music ] " No, madam," replied the doctor ; " but of 
 all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable." 
 
 CCCLXXVIII. 
 
 WHEN Whitfield first went to America, observing, 
 during his voyage, the dissolute manners of 
 the crew, he invited them to one of his pious de- 
 clamations, and took occasion to reprehend them for 
 
io6 yESTS, NEW &> OLD. 
 
 their loose manner of living. " You will certainly," 
 says he, " go to hell. Perhaps you may think I 
 will be an advocate for you ; but, believe me, I will 
 tell of all your wicked actions." Upon this one of 
 the sailors, turning to his messmate, observed, " Ay, 
 Jack, that's just the way at the Old Bailey; the 
 greatest rogue always turns king's evidence." 
 
 CCCLXXIX. 
 
 TN a highly select company, where the topics of 
 -*- discourse were the Illimitable, the Unfathomable, 
 the Universal (to Trav), and such transcendentai matters, 
 some one disturbed the gravity of the occasion by 
 observing that " although Toe Pan might be universal 
 in Greece, it was not so," he thought, " in England." 
 
 COCLXXX. 
 
 EOOTE, on his return from Scotland, being asked 
 by a lady if there were any truth in the report 
 of there being no trees in that country, replied very 
 maliciously, " No, indeed \ for when crossing from 
 Port-Patrick to Donaghadee, I saw two blackbirds 
 perched on as fine a thistle as ever I beheld." 
 
 CCCLXXXI. 
 
 A YOUNG clergyman complaining one day to Dr. 
 Johnson, that somehow or other he had lost all his 
 Greek, " I fancy, sir," replied Johnson, " it was at the 
 same time that I lost my great estate in Yorkshire." 
 
 CCCLXXXII. 
 
 SIR ROBERT WALPOLE often played billiards with 
 his neighbour. Dr. Mousey, who was much his 
 superior at the game. " How happens it," said Sir 
 Robert, one day, " that nobody beats me at billiai-ds 
 but you, doctor T " Because," said Mousey, " they 
 play for places, I, only for a dinner and praise." 
 
 / 
 
yESTS, NEW c^ OLD. 107 
 
 CCCLXXXIII. 
 
 rilHE late Sir John Holker, having concluded a case 
 -^ in court, took off his wig and gown, and walked 
 into Westminster Hall. Some visitors accosted him, 
 and desired him to shew them the place, which 
 he humoured them by doing ; and they ended by 
 handing Sir John sixpence — the first honest money, 
 he used to say, he had ever made. 
 
 OCCLXXXIV. 
 
 T AUGHING at the imbecility of a friend one day, 
 ^-^ somebody observed to Foote, " it was veiy sur- 
 prising, as Tom D knew him well, and thought 
 
 him far from being a fool." — " Ah, poor Tom," said 
 Foote, "he is like one of those who eat garlic them- 
 selves, and therefore cannot smell it in a companion." 
 
 CCCLXXXV, 
 
 ON one *of the nights when Mrs. Siddons first per- 
 formed at Dniry Lane, a Jew boy, in his eager- 
 ness to get to the first row in the shilling gallery, fell 
 over into the pit, and was dangerously hurt. The 
 managers of the theatre ordered the lad to be conveyed 
 to a lodging, and he was attended by their own physi- 
 cian ; but, notwithstanding all their attention, he 
 died, and was decently buried at the expense of the 
 theatre. The mother came to the playhouse to thank 
 the managei'S, and they gave her his clothes and five 
 guineas, for which she returned a curtsey, but with 
 some hesitation added, they had forgot to return her 
 the shilhng which Abraham had paid for coming in. 
 
 CCCLXXXVI. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN crossing the water below Lime- 
 -^^ house, observed the labourers at work in a tier 
 of colliers, and wanting to learn the price of coals in 
 the Pool, hailed one of the men Avith, " Well, Paddy, 
 
io8 JESTS, NEW a' OLD. 
 
 how are coals'?" — "As black as ever, your honour," 
 rephed the Irishman. 
 
 cccLXXXVin. 
 
 A SERGEANT enlisted a recruit, who on inspection 
 turned out to be a woman. Being asked by 
 his officer how he made such a blunder, he said, 
 " Plase your honour, I could not help it ; I enlisted 
 this girl for a man, and he turns out to be a woman." 
 
 CCCLXXXIX. 
 
 A SHIPMASTER was lately called out of a coffee- 
 house at Wapping by a waterman, with the 
 following address : — " An't please your honour, the 
 tide is waiting for you." 
 
 occxc. 
 
 EXECUTIONS not being altogether so frequent in 
 Sweden as here, there are many towns in that 
 country without an execution. In one of those a 
 criminal was sentenced to be hanged which occasioned 
 some embarrassment, as it obliged them to bring a 
 hangman from a distance at a considerable expense, 
 besides the customary fee of two crowns. A young 
 tradesman, belonging to the city council, giving his 
 sentiments, said, " I think, gentlemen, we had best 
 give the malefactor the two crowns, and let him go 
 and be hanged where he pleases." 
 cccxci. 
 
 A SCOTCHMAN, having hired himself to a farmer, 
 had a cheese set down before him that he might 
 help himself. His master said to him, " Saunders, 
 you take a long time to breakfast !" " In troth, 
 maister," answered he, " a cheese o' this size is na sae 
 soon eaten as ye may think !" 
 
 CCCXCII. 
 
 A MAN having deposited his treasure under a hedge, 
 found, to his great sorrow, that it had been 
 
yESTS, NEW b^ OLD. 109 
 
 discovered and carried oflf. Relating his misfortune 
 to a friend, the latter observed, " It is surprising you 
 should have lost your money, when you placed it in 
 the bank." 
 
 CCCXOIII. 
 
 CHARLES v., speaking of the different languages of 
 Europe, thus described them : " The French is 
 the best language to speak to one's friend ; the Italian 
 to one's mistress ; the English to the people ; the 
 Spanish to God ; and the German to a horse," 
 
 cccxciv. 
 A CURATE and his wife had heard that the moon 
 -^^ was inhabited : they procured a telescope to 
 ascertain the fact. The lady had the first peep. ** I 
 see," said she, " I see two shades, inclining towards 
 each other ; they are undoubtedly two happy lovers." 
 " Pooh !" said the curate, looking in his turn, " these 
 two shades are the two steeples of a cathedral." 
 
 cccxcv. 
 rpHE squire's wife, in a country parish, going after 
 -*- lying in to be churched, the parson, deeming her 
 a personage not to be talked of like the vulgar females 
 of the village, instead of praying, " Lord, save this 
 woman thy servant ;" said " Lord, save this lady 
 thy servant." The clerk, no less gallant, responded, 
 " Who putteth her ladyship's trust in thee." 
 
 cccxcvi. 
 
 QUEEN CAROLINE, in derision, asked the Duke 
 of Argyll what sort of persons were the Scotch 
 lairds ? He answered, " that they were like the Ger- 
 man princes, very poor and very proud." 
 
 cccxcvii. 
 
 ON the French Revolution, when everything royal 
 was abolished, an exhibitor of wild beasts, afraid 
 
110 yESTS, NEW a^ OLD. 
 
 of the charge of incivism, instead of le royal tigre, put 
 on his sign-board, Le grand tigre national! 
 
 CCCXCVIII. 
 
 "DOPE'S oath was " God mend me." A link-boy, to 
 -■- whom he had refused a penny, looking at his 
 diminutive crooked statui-e, cried out, *' God mend, 
 you, indeed ! it would be less trouble to make a new 
 one." 
 
 cccxcix. 
 
 SIR PATRICK BLAKE was once in company where 
 a nobleman was relating many wonderful accounts 
 of echoes, which he had heard abroad, more particu- 
 larly one in the ruins of a temple on the Appian Way, 
 about twelve miles fi'om Rome, which he said, " re- 
 peated any vjords seventy times.'^ "That," replied Sir 
 Patrick, " is nothing wonderful. There is an echo on 
 my brother's estate, near the lake of Killarney, in 
 Ireland, to which I have fi-equently said, ' Good- 
 morrow, madam Echo,' and I was immediately an- 
 swered, ' Good-morrow, Sir Patrick Blake, how do you 
 do?" 
 
 cccc. 
 
 WHEN a certain poet's works were to be printed, 
 a very ugly woman desired the editor, in a pre- 
 face, to contradict the report of her being mistress to 
 the late bard. " Madam," replied the editor, " I will 
 prefix your portrait." 
 
 CCCCI. 
 
 A SCOTCHMAN and an Irishman were sleeping at 
 an inn together. The weather being rather 
 warm, the Scotchman, in his sleep, put his leg out of 
 the bed. A traveller, in passing the room-door, saw 
 him in this situation, and having a mind for a frolic, 
 gently fixed a spur upon Sawney's heel, who, drawing 
 
yESTS, NEW cr' OLD. 
 
 his leg into the bed, so disturbed his companiou that 
 he exclaimed, " An-ah ! my dear honey, have a cai'e 
 of your great toe, for you have forgot to cut your 
 nails I belave." The Scotchman being sound asleep, 
 and sometimes, perhaps, not a little disturbed by other 
 companions, still kept scratching poor Teague, till his 
 patience being quite spent, he succeeded in rousing 
 Sawney, who not a little surprised at finding the spur 
 on his heel, loudly exclaimed, " Deil take the daft 
 chiel of an ossler ; he's ta'en my boots off last night, 
 and left on the spur." 
 
 CCCCII. 
 
 A GERMAN banker, travelling by rail in a first 
 class carnage towards Vienna, had as a fellow- 
 traveller, at one of the intermediate stations, an old 
 gentleman, who entered into conversation, and proved 
 very pleasant. The banker got out before his com- 
 panion ; and, before he did so, asked the latter how 
 far he was going. The gentleman replied, to Vienna. 
 " I have a daughter very well married there," said 
 the banker, " I should like to give you a note of 
 introduction to her." " I have also a daughter very 
 well married there," said the other. " Would it be 
 too gi-eat a liberty to ask the name 1" " My daughter," 
 the gentleman answered, " is man'ied to the Emperor 
 of Austria !" It was the old King of Bavaria. 
 
 CCCCIII. 
 
 SHERIDAN was not remarkable for the beauty or 
 clearness of hiscalligi'aphy. It is said that, some one 
 presenting an order at the theatre with his signature 
 to it, the person at the door declined to admit the 
 bearer, whereupon the later angrily exclaimed, " but 
 there's his autograph as distinct as possible !" " Yes," 
 returned the other, "that's exactly why I do not 
 believe in it.' 
 
112 yESTS, NEW G^ OLD. 
 
 CCCCIV. 
 
 HELY HUTCHINSON was of such a soliciting dis- 
 position, that the Marquis Townshend, when 
 Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, said of him, " If England 
 and Ireland were given to him, he would solicit the 
 Isle of Man for a potato-garden." 
 
 ccccv. 
 nnHE Pope having once written a letter to M. de 
 -*- Sully upon becoming minister, which ended in his 
 holiness's wishes that he might enter into the right 
 way, Sully answered, " That on his part he never 
 ceased to pray for the conversion of his holiness. " 
 
 CCCOVI. 
 
 A CLERGYMAN preaching in the city, on the an- 
 niversary of a charity ior girls, forgetting the last 
 circumstance, informed his audience, that through their 
 munificence some of the objects of this charity might 
 become Lord Mayors of London, or even Archbishops of 
 Canterbury. 
 
 CCCCVII. 
 
 WHEN Captain Grose first went over to Ireland, 
 his curiosity led to him to see everything in 
 the capital worth seeing. In the course of his peram- 
 bulations he one evening strolled into the principal 
 meat market of Dublin, when the butchers, as usual, 
 sent up the constant cry, " What do you buy, what 
 do yea buy, master?' Grose parried this for some 
 time, by saying, "he wanted nothing." At last a 
 butcher started from his stall, eyeing Grose's figure 
 from top to bottom, which was something like Dr. 
 Slop's in " Tristram Shandy," and exclaimed, " Well, 
 sir, though you don't want anything at present, only 
 say you buy your meat of me, and you'll make my 
 fortune." 
 

 ^■■' 
 
JESTS, NEW a^ OLD. 113 
 
 CCCCVIII. 
 
 AN eminent painter, who had suffered under the 
 common malady of his profession, viz., to paint 
 portraits for persons who neither paid for them nor 
 took them away, had portrayed a gentleman of a very 
 dark complexion. This person, though satisfied with 
 the painter's similitude, delayed to pay for it till the 
 artist sent him word that he was in treaty for the 
 picture with the landlord at the Blackamore's Head. 
 
 CCCCIX. 
 
 THE town of Chartres was besieged by Henry IV. 
 of France, and capitulated. The magistrate of 
 the town on giving up the keys, addressed His Majesty 
 — " This town belongs to your highness by divine law 
 and by human law." " And by cannon law," replied 
 the king. 
 
 ccccx. 
 
 THE North Western Railway Company required for 
 their purposes a portion of the premises of a 
 manufacturing chemist at Wolverhampton, and large 
 compensation was demanded. The matter went into 
 Court. The Company had taken care to watch the 
 chemist's movements and see what went into his 
 laboratory, for he made and sold in large quantities all 
 sorts of fruit essences, pine-apple, jargonnel pear, and 
 many more. But no deliveries of fruit were observed. 
 Mr. Horatio Lloyd was retained by the Company, and 
 in his examination of Mr. Bailey, he said, " I see you 
 make pine-apple essence 1 " " Yes." " May I ask, 
 sir, when your last consignment of pines arrived ] " 
 " I am a chemist." The counsel paused. " You sell 
 jargonnel pear essence?" "Yes." "Excuse me for 
 inquiring when you last received any parcel of jargon- 
 
 I 
 
114 yESTS, NEW &^ OLD. 
 
 nels 1 " "I am a chemist. I never had any pears, or 
 pines, or any other fruit in the place." The counsel 
 sat down, 
 
 ccccxi. 
 
 AN odd instance of the force of technical training 
 is afforded by a story of one of the official 
 attendants at a funeral, who, having been charged with 
 a message from a relative of the departed to another 
 guest, came across the room with it, and translating it 
 into his own language, said, "If you please, sir, the 
 corpse's brother would be happy to take wine with 
 you. " 
 
 CCCCXII. 
 
 TILBURY the actor habitually dressed in clerical 
 fashion, with black clothes and a white neckcloth ; 
 and the profession nicknamed him the Reverend Mr. 
 Tilbury. He lived at one time with his wife and family 
 in Powis Place, and Mrs. T. and he did not agree very 
 well: partly owing to the Reverend coming home rather 
 later than she thought necessary or found comfortable. 
 One day, after Tilbury had gone to the theatre, a son 
 returned unexpectedly from the colonies, and received 
 from Mrs. T. a doleful account of the way in which 
 her rest was broken by having to sit up for the Reve- 
 rend ; and the youth, making her go to bed, awaited 
 in her stead the return from his arduous duties of the 
 parent, whom he had not seen so long. In the small 
 hours came a gentle tap at the front door, and An-ne, 
 An-ne ! open the door, An-ne! and the door did open, 
 and the returned from a distant land cries out, " I'll 
 open the door for you ! you ought to be ashamed of 
 yourself to behave as you do," to the infinite dismay 
 of the aged comedian. 
 
yESTS, NEW &> OLD. T15 
 
 CCCCXIII. 
 
 FRANK TALFOURD, paying a visit to the Zoologi- 
 cal Gardens, went to the seal-house, and laying 
 his hand on one of the seals, said, " I deliver this as 
 my act and deed." 
 
 ccccxiv, 
 
 A MAN went out rabbit-shooting, but could not 
 get any sport. " So," said he, " I lay down where 
 they could not see me, and made a noise like a turnip." 
 
 ccccxv. 
 
 A COUPLE of sweeps, having occasion to pass a 
 bridge at Manchester, unluckily could muster 
 only a single halfpenny between them. How to raise 
 the other halfpenny to pay the toll they knew not, till 
 one of them proposed to toss up which should carry the 
 other over. This was done — one was instantly cram- 
 med into the bag, and lugged over on the shoulders of 
 the other as a burden of soot. 
 
 ccccxvi. 
 [T HAVE heard the pound which used, until lately, 
 -L (1885), to stand on Barnes Common mentioned as 
 the scene of this pleasantry : — ] 
 
 FOOTE AND QUIN. 
 
 As Quin and Foote 
 One day walk'd out 
 
 To view the country round, 
 In merry mood 
 They chatting stood, 
 
 Hard by the village pound. 
 
 1 2 
 
ii6 yESTS, NEW ^ OLD. 
 
 Foote from his poke 
 A shilling took, 
 
 And said, " I'll bet a penny, 
 In a short space 
 Within this place 
 
 I'll make this piece a guinea." 
 
 Upon the ground. 
 Within the pound, 
 
 The shilling soon was thi'owu : 
 " Behold," says Foote, 
 " The thing's made out. 
 
 For there is one pound one." 
 
 " I wonder not," 
 
 Says Quin, " that thought 
 
 Should in your head be found. 
 Since that's the way 
 Your debts you pay — 
 
 A shilling in the pound." 
 
 CCCCXVII. 
 
 FOOTE once went to spend his Christmas with C 
 B n, when, the weather being! very cold, and 
 
 but bad fires, occasioned by a scarcity of wood, Foote 
 was determined to make his visit as short as possible; 
 accordingly, on the third day after he went there, he 
 ordered his chaise, and was preparing to set out for 
 
 town. B n, seeing him with his boot on in the 
 
 morning, asked him what hurry he was in, and pressed 
 him to stay. " No, no," said Foote, *' was I to stay 
 any longer, you would not let me have a leg to stand 
 
 on." " Why, sure," said Mr. B n, " we do not 
 
 drink so hard." " No," says the wit, " but there is so 
 little wood in your house, that I am afraid one of your 
 servants may light the fires some morning with my 
 right leg" 
 
yESTS, NEW a' OLD. 1 1 7 
 
 ccocxvin. 
 
 JONAS HANWAY, who was of a remarkably thin 
 and meagre habit, once walking in a narrow 
 street, met a staggering fellow so much intoxicated 
 that he took up the whole path. Han way made a full 
 stop, and looking earnestly at the man, gravely said, 
 " My good sir, indeed I think you have drimh a little 
 too much." " Have 11" hiccupped the fellow, " have 
 I ] and indeed, my good sir, I think you have ate much 
 too little." 
 
 CCCCXIX. 
 
 Sx\RAH, Duchess of Marlborough, was accustomed 
 to make an annual feast, to which she invited all 
 her relations. At one of these family meetings she 
 drank their health, adding, " What a glorious sight it 
 is to see such a number of branches flourishing from 
 one root ! " but observing Jack Spencer laugh, she 
 insisted on knowing what occasioned his mirth, and 
 promised to forgive him, be it what it would. " Why, 
 then, madam," said he, " I was thinking how much 
 more all the branches would flourish, if the root were 
 underground." 
 
 ccccxx. 
 
 A LADY begged of her lover to give her his picture 
 to hang at her breast. Said he, " that would at 
 once let your husband know of our amour." — " Ah," 
 said she, with naivete, " but I would not have it drawn 
 like you." 
 
 CCCCXXI. 
 
 AT the rehearsal of Venice Preserved, when a new 
 actress, highly recommended to Garrick, was to 
 make her debut in Belvidera, she repeated that tender 
 
ii8 JESTS, NEW &' OLD. 
 
 exclamation, " Would you kill my father, Jaffier ? " 
 ■with so much sang froid, that Garrick whispered her 
 nearly in the same tone, " Can you chop cabbage, 
 madam 1 " 
 
 CCCCXXII. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN, much given to immoderate in- 
 -^ dulgence of appetite, was observed to be a con- 
 stant attendant at city feasts. Having much increased 
 in bulk, a wag found means to stick on his back a 
 label, on which was written, "Widened at the expense 
 of the Corporation of London." 
 
 CCCCXXIII. 
 
 IN a summer, when the month of July was extremely 
 wet and cold, some person asked Quin whether he 
 ever remembered such a summer. " Yes," replied the 
 wag, very seriously, " last winter." 
 
 ccccxxiv. 
 
 " XTTHEN Dr. preaches," said a humble pastor, 
 
 ' » " the ploughman leaves his furrow, the trades- 
 man his shop, the scholar his books, and the fine lady 
 her toilet, to crowd round his pulpit. When I preach, 
 I set all things to rights again, and every one follows 
 his own business." 
 
 coccxxv. 
 
 A SCHOLAR, a bald man, and a barber, travelling 
 together, agreed each to watch four hours at 
 night, in turn, for sake of security. The barber's lot 
 came first, who shaved the scholar's head when asleep, 
 and then waked him when his turn came. The scholar, 
 scratching his head, and feeling it bald, exclaimed, 
 " You wretch, you have waked the bald man instead 
 of me." 
 
yESTS, NEW &> OLD. 119 
 
 CCCCXXVI. 
 
 CURRAN used to relate, with great glee, a mishap 
 which befell a Roman Catholic bishop who went 
 up to Dublin Castle to adulate the lord-lieutenant. It 
 seems one of Lord Cornwallis's eyes was smaller than the 
 other, and had acquired a quick, perpetually oscillating 
 motion. The addressers, who had never seen him, had 
 elaborated their compliments on the country. His Ex- 
 cellency was on his throne in high state, when Bishop 
 Lanigan, of Kilkenny, at the head of his clergy, auspici- 
 ously commenced — " Your Excellency has always kept 
 a steady eye upon the interests of England" — the room 
 was in a roar, " Never," said Cun-an, " did I hear its 
 match, except in the Mayor of Coventry's compliment 
 to Queen Elizabeth — ' When the Spanish Armada 
 attacked your Majesty, they caught the wrong sow by 
 the ear.' " 
 
 CCCCXXVII. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN rode up to a public-house in the 
 country, and asked, " Who is the master of this 
 house]" "I am, sir," replied the landlord; "my 
 wife has been dead about three weeks." 
 
 CCCCXXVIIl. 
 
 LEIGH HUNT was asked by a lady at dessert, if he 
 would not venture upon an orange : said he, 
 " Madam, I should be happy to do so, but I am afraid 
 I should tumble off." 
 
 ccccxxix. 
 
 WHEN Archbishop Laud was on trial, he was told 
 that if he had not committed one great act of 
 treason, he had pei-petrated so many small crimes as, 
 taken together, made him a traitor. " I never knew," 
 said the archbishop, " that one hundred black rabbits 
 made up a black horse." 
 
1 20 JESTS, NEW &- OLD. 
 
 ccccxxx. 
 
 WHEN Lord Canaarvon was going to travel, one 
 bad him take care and not change his religion. 
 " There is no fear of that, sir," answered he, " for no 
 man living will be so mad as to change religions with 
 me." 
 
 CCCCXXXI. 
 
 A GASCON, -who had been for some years in the 
 service of Louis XIV., obtained from the king 
 a gratuity of 1500 livres. He went immediately to be 
 paid by M. Colbert, who just at his coming had sat 
 down to dinner. Notwithstanding, he passed boldly 
 into the dining-room, and asked where was M. Colbert 1 
 " I am the pei-son," sair" Colbert ; " what would you 
 be pleased to have ] " "A trifle scarce worth mention- 
 ing," said the other; "a small order of the king 
 for letting me have 1500 livres." M. Colbert with 
 great good-nature, and according to his usual good- 
 humour, desired him to be seated at table and partake 
 of the fare, which the Gascon did without a second 
 invitation. After dinner he was directed by him to 
 one of his clerks, who gave him 1000 livres. The 
 Gascon said there were 500 more coming to him. 
 " Very true," said the clerk, " but so much of the pay- 
 ment has been stopped for your dinner." " Odds-fish ! " 
 said the Gascon, " 500 livres for a dinner ! I give but 
 twerty sous at the eating-house." "That may be," 
 said the clerk, " but you have had the honour to dine 
 with M. Colbert, that great first minister of state, 
 and it is but fit you should pay for it." " Well, then, 
 if it be so," rephed the Gascon, "here, take back 
 all the money ; what signifies my encumbering myself 
 with 1000 livres? To-mon-ow I'll bring here a friend 
 to dine, and all will be paid." M. Colbei-t admired 
 
JESTS, NEW &> OLD. 
 
 the gasconade, had the officer paid the whole of his 
 bill, and afterwards rendered him several good offices. 
 
 CCCCXXXII. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN returned from India, inquiring of 
 a person respecting their common acquaintance, 
 who had been hanged after he left England, was told 
 he was dead. " And did he continue in the grocery 
 lineV said the former. " Oh no," replied the other, 
 *' he was quite in a diferent line when he died," 
 
 CCCCXXXIII. 
 
 AN East-India governor having died abroad, his 
 body was put in arrack to preserve it for inter- 
 ment in England. A sailor on board the ship being 
 frequently drunk, the captain assured him the next 
 time he was guilty of that offence he should be severely 
 whipped ; and at the same time forbad the purser, and 
 indeed all the ship, to let him have any liquor. Shortly 
 after, the fellow appeared very drunk. How he got 
 the liquor no one could guess. The captain, resolved 
 to find out and punish the person who had thus dis- 
 obeyed his orders, promised to forgive him if he would 
 tell from whom he got the liquor. After some hesita- 
 tion, he hiccupped out, " Why please your honour, I 
 tapped the governor." 
 
 ccccxxxiv. 
 
 A SCOTCH Proclamation for holding a fair :— " Oh 
 yes ! and that's e'e time ; Oh yes ! and that's 
 twa times ; Oh yes ! and that's thrid and last time. 
 All manner of person or persons whosoever, let 'em 
 draw near, and I shall let 'em ken that there is a fair 
 to be held at the muckle town of Langholm, for the 
 space of aught days, wherein any hustrin, custrin, 
 land-lopper, dubs-kouper, or gang-the-gate-swinger, 
 
yESTS, NEW ^^ OLD. 
 
 shall breed any hurdam, durdam, rabblement, babble- 
 ment, or squabblement, he shall have his lugs tacked 
 to the muckle throne, with a nail of twaa-penny until 
 he down on his hobshanks, and up with his muckle 
 doup, and pray to ha'en nine times God bless the king, 
 and thrice the muckle laird of Relton, paying a groat 
 to me, Jemmy Ferguson, bailey of the aforesaid manor. 
 So you've heard my pi'oclamation, and I'll gang hame 
 to my dinner." 
 
 ccccxxxv. 
 
 IN Ruflfhead's " Statutes at Large," under the head 
 of " What sort of Irishmen may come to dwell in 
 England," Henry VI., chap. 3, in the margin is printed, 
 " All persons bo7'7i in Ireland shall depart out of the 
 realm, Irish persons excepted, who remain in England." 
 
 CCCCXXXVI. 
 
 A FEW days after the Rye House plot, Charles 11. 
 was walking in St. James's Park without guards 
 or attendants of any kind. The Duke of York after- 
 wards remonstrated with his royal bi'other on the im- 
 prudence, nay, absurdity of such conduct. Charles, a 
 little nettled to be so reproved, answered quickly, 
 " Brother James, take care of yourself, for no man will 
 kill me to make you king." 
 
 CCCCXXXVII. 
 
 A PROVINCIAL newspaper, giving an account of 
 a violent hurricane, says, " That it shattered 
 mountains, tore up oaks by the roots, and carried them 
 through the air to a great distance ; dismantled 
 churches, laid villages waste, and overturned a hay- 
 stack." 
 
yESTS, NEW ^ OLD. 123 
 
 CCCCXXXVIII. 
 
 AN innocent lad one evening went up to the draw- 
 ing-roona on the bell being rung. "When he 
 returned to the kitchen he laughed immoderately. 
 Some of the servants asking the cause of his mirth, he 
 cried, " What do you think % There are sixteen of 
 them, "who could not snuff the caudles, and were 
 obliged to send for me to do it." 
 
 CCCCXXXIX. 
 
 GEORGE III. asked a poor fellow who was driving 
 some sheep (and who did not know His Majesty), 
 how much he expected for the sheep per head. " Whoy, 
 seven-and-twenty shillings, zur." " Seven-and-twenty ! 
 I can't get more than four-and-twenty." " Then you 
 doyn't knaw your business," said the clown. 
 
 CCCCXL. 
 
 GARRICK once asked Rich, the manager of the 
 theatre, how much he thought Covent Garden 
 would hold. " I could tell you to a shilling," replied 
 the manager, " if you would play Richard m it." 
 
 OCCCXLI. 
 
 AT one of Charles Lamb's Evenings at Home, when 
 Leigh Hunt was present, Coleridge happened to 
 be talking with unusual fervour and solemnity on 
 certain abstruse religious points, and Hunt remarked to 
 Lamb aside, that he had not expected this from Cole- 
 ridge. " Ah ! " stammered Lamb, " n-never mi-mind, 
 my dear fellow, w-what-what C-Cole-Coleridge says. 
 He-he's so-so f-f-full of his f-f-fun ! " 
 
 CCCCXLII. 
 
 Lamb's Sonnet, entitled The Gips7/s Malison, was 
 returned to him by the Editors of the Magazines. 
 
124 JESTS, NEW & OLD. 
 
 A 
 
 In a letter to a friend, he told him of the failure, and 
 added humorously, " Damn the age ; I'll write for 
 antiquity." 
 
 CCCCXLIII. 
 
 rpALFOURD got his first brief, and informed Lamb 
 -L of his good fortune with great glee. " Ah ! " said 
 Lamb, " The great first cause, least understood." 
 
 COCCXLIV. 
 
 SCOTCHMAN being asked what he thought of 
 London, " Ah ! " said he. " 'Tis a plaguy ru'nous 
 place to be in, for I hadn't been there twa hours, when 
 bang went saxpence." 
 
 COCCXLV. 
 
 MR. REGISTRAR HAZLITT, going into a jeweller's 
 shop in Regent Street, not many years ago, saw and 
 admired a silver statuette. He observed to the jeweller, 
 that the piece was quite worthy of Benvenuto Cellini 
 (who lived in the sixteenth century), and he would 
 have been pleased to see it. " Oh, sir," answered the 
 shopkeeper, " if Mr. Cellini is a friend of yours, I shall 
 be glad to shew it to him at any time." 
 
 CCCCXLVI. 
 
 LORD SEAFORTH, who was bom deaf and dumb, 
 was to dine one day with Lord Melville. Just 
 before the time of the company's arrival. Lady Mel- 
 ville sent into the drawing-room a lady of her acquain- 
 tance who could talk with her fingers to dumb people, 
 that she might receive Lord Seaforth. Presently Lord 
 Guildford entered the room ; and the lady taking him 
 for Lord Seaforth, began to ply her fingers very nimbly; 
 Lord Guildford did the same; and they had been 
 carrying on a conversation in this manner for about 
 
yESTS, NGW &> OLD. 125 
 
 ten minutes, when Lady Melville joined them. Her 
 female friend immediately said, " Well, I have been 
 talking away to this dumb man." " Dumb ! " cried 
 Lord Guildford, " bless me, I thought you were dumb." 
 
 CCCCXLVII. 
 
 A PERSON abusing another to Churchill, said, he 
 was so insufferably dull, that if you said a good 
 thing he did not understand it. "Pray, sir," said 
 Churchill, ** did you ever try him 1 " 
 
 CCCCXLVIII. 
 
 AMOTION was made in the House of Commons 
 that such as were chosen to serve in the Parlia- 
 mentary troops, should be faithful and skilful riders. 
 Waller the poet said, "He much approved the motion, 
 for," added he, " it is most necessary the riders be 
 faithful, lest they run away with the horses, and 
 skilful, lest their horses run away with them." 
 
 CCCCXLIX. 
 
 FOOTE and Garrick being at a tavern together at 
 the time of the first regulation of the gold coin, 
 the former, pulling out his purse to pay the reckoning, 
 asked the other, " What he should do with a light 
 guinea he had 1 " *' 'Pshaw, it is worth nothing," said 
 Garrick, " fling it to the devil." " Well, David," said 
 the other, "you are what I always took you for, ever 
 contriving to make a guinea go farther than any other 
 man." 
 
 CCCCL. 
 
 AN Irish fortune-hunter at Bath, telling Smollett, 
 that he had got an excellent phaeton on an 
 entirely new plan ; " I am rather of opinion," said 
 Smollett, " that you have got it on the old plan, for I 
 suppose you never intend to pay for it." 
 
126 yESTS, NEW b' OLD. 
 
 CCCCLl. 
 
 QUIN used to apply a story to the then ministry. 
 A master of a brig calls out " Who is there ?" 
 A boy answered, " Will, sir." — " What are you doing T 
 "Nothing, sir." "Is Tom there?" "Yes," says 
 Tom. "What you doing, Toml" "Helping WiU, 
 sir." 
 
 ccccLir. 
 A YOUNG fellow, whose talent laiy in comedy, came 
 -^^ to offer himself to a manager ; and having 
 given a specimen of his capacity to Quin, he asked, 
 " If he had ever played any parts in comedy ?' The 
 former answered, " Yes j he had played Abel in the 
 Alchymisty " I am rather of opinion you played 
 Cain," said Quin, " for I am certain you murdered 
 Abel." 
 
 CCCCLIII. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN once introduced his son to Row- 
 land Hill by a letter, as a youth of great pro- 
 mise, and likely to do honour to the university of 
 which he was a member ; " but he is shy," added the 
 father, " and I fear buries his talents in a napkin." 
 A short time aftewards, the parent, anxious for his 
 opinion, inquired what he thought of his son. " I 
 have shaken the napkin," said Rowland, " at all the 
 corners, and there is nothing in it." 
 
 CCCCLIV. 
 
 WHEN the fair utilitarian and political economist, 
 Harriet Martineau, published her book against 
 marriage, it was sent to Dr. Maginn to review. His 
 critique ran thus : — 
 
 " A book against wedlock, oh, oh ! 
 And written by Miss Martineau ! 
 But this I well know, 
 
yESTS, NEW ^^ OLD. 127 
 
 She would not say ' No ' 
 To a handsome young beau, 
 Just six feet or so — 
 Fie, fie, Harriet Martineau ! 
 
 CCCCLV. 
 
 A NOBLE lord, on his deathbed, observed to his 
 coachman, "Ah, John! I am going a longer 
 journey than ever you drove me." — " Never mind, my 
 lord," said John, " it is all down hill." 
 
 CCCCLVI. 
 
 A SHOPKEEPER, recommending a piece of silk 
 for a gown, said to his customer, " Ma'am, it will 
 wear for ever, and make a petticoat afterwards." 
 
 CCCCLVII. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN, complaining to another that his 
 pointer, though a capital dog, had an incurable 
 propensity for mutton, the other told him to couple 
 him with an old ram, and leave them in the stable all 
 night, and the discipline he received would infallibly 
 break him off that trick. The sa.me person, some time 
 afterwards meeting the owner of the dog, asked him, 
 " Well, sir, I hope my prescription had the desired 
 effect." " I cannot say it had," replied the other, 
 " for the dog killed my ram and ate a shoulder." 
 
 ccccLVin. 
 
 AN author was reproved by a friend for editing so 
 many volumes. " My dear sir, you will never 
 reach posterity if you carry so much luggage." 
 
 CCCCLIX. 
 
 AN honest Yorkshireman, amusing himself by 
 poaching, had his gun taken from him by a 
 justice of the peace. Soon after, he was unfortunate 
 enough to be informed against for sedition, in saying 
 
128 yESTS, NEW &- OLD. 
 
 he wished Bonaparte would land in Yorkshire. Being 
 brought before the bench of magistrates, of which the 
 aforesaid justice was chairman, he acknowledged the 
 words ; " but," said he, " my reason for saying so 
 was, that I thought your worship would take his guns 
 from him." 
 
 CCCCLX. 
 
 DAVID HUME and Sheridan were crossing the 
 water to Holland, when, a high gale arising, the 
 philosopher seemed under gi-eat apprehension lest he 
 should go to the bottom. " Why," said his friend, 
 " that will suit your genius to a tittle ; for my part, I 
 am only for skimming the surface." 
 
 OCCCLXI. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN who thought his two sons con- 
 sumed too much time in hunting and shooting, 
 gave them the appellation of Nimrod and Ramrod. 
 
 CCCCLXII. 
 
 ERSKINE, being counsel for the plaintiff in an ac- 
 tion for the infringement of a patent for buckles, 
 expatiated with his usual eloquence on the improve- 
 ment made in this manufacture. " What," said he, 
 taking out his own buckle, and exhibiting it to the 
 court ; " what would my ancestors say, were they to 
 rise out of their graves and see me with such an ornsr- 
 meut as this V " They would be surprised, I dare 
 say," observed Mr. Mingay, " to see you with either 
 shoe or stocking." 
 
 CCCCLXIU. 
 
 WHEN Clive was a boy and was once walking with 
 a schoolfellow through Drayton market, the 
 two lads stopped to look at a butcher killing a calf. 
 " Dear me, Bobby," said the lad, " I would not be a 
 butcher for all the world." — " Why, I should not much 
 
yESTS, NEW &> OLD. 129 
 
 like it," said Clive, " it's a dirty, beggarly business ; 
 but I'd a plaguy deal rather be a butcher than a calf." 
 
 COCCLXIV. 
 
 WHEN the affair of Lord Melville was brought 
 forward in the House of Commons, a gentle- 
 man mentioned in company that his lordship had 
 quitted his place. " Did you ever," said a lady present, 
 "hear of a Scotchman quitting his place?" — "Yes, 
 madam," replied the gentleman, "his native place." 
 
 CCCCLXV. 
 
 A POOR fellow, in Scotland, creeping through the 
 ■^-^ hedge of an orchard, with an intention to rob 
 it, was seen by the owner, who called out to him. 
 " Sawney, hoot, mon, where be e' ganging V " Bock 
 agin," said Sawney. 
 
 CCCCLXVI. 
 
 A SCOTCHMAN boasting of the beauty of Glasgow, 
 -^^ Dr. Johnson asked him drily, " Did you ever 
 happen to see Old Brentford ?" 
 
 CCCCLXVII, 
 
 T ORD ARMADALE, one of the Scotch Judges, had 
 -*-i a son who, at the age of eleven or twelve, rose 
 to the rank of a major. One morning his mother, 
 hearing a noise in the nursery, rang to know the cause 
 of it. " It's only," said the servant, " the major 
 greeting for his porridge." 
 
 CCCCLXVIII. 
 
 T ORD NORTH, happening to meet with an acquaint- 
 -■-^ ance, whose affairs had gone into disorder, the 
 latter told him, that he had sold off all his moveables. 
 " And what," said his lordship, " have you done with 
 your mare]" "I have sold her too." "Then," said 
 
 K 
 
I30 yESTS, NEW &> OLD. 
 
 the other, "you have not attended to Horace's 
 maxim : — 
 
 ' Eqiiam memento rebus in arduis 
 Servare.' " 
 
 CCCCLXIX. 
 
 GARRICK's Epigram on Sir John Hill :— 
 " For physic and farces 
 Thy equal there scarce is ; 
 Thy farces are physic, 
 Thy physic a farce is." 
 
 COCCLXX. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN one day took occasion to speak 
 -^^ of the married state before his daughter, and 
 observed that she who marries does well, but she who 
 does not marry does better. " Well, then," replied 
 the yoimg lady, " I will do well, let those who choose 
 do better." 
 
 OCOCLXXI. 
 THE REMONSTRANCE. 
 
 WHEN first I attempted your pity to move, 
 Ah ! why were you deaf to my pray'rs ] 
 Perhaps it was right to dissemble your love, 
 But why did you kick me down stairs % 
 
 COCCLXXII. 
 
 "DURKE had written a tragedy, which he shewed to 
 -L* his friend Fox. Being asked by the latter if 
 Garrick had ever seen it ; " No," replied Burke ; " I 
 have had the folly to write it, but the wit to keep it 
 to myself." 
 
 CCCCLXXIII. 
 
 A N Hibernian being asked what was the meaning 
 ■^^^ of the phrase postkummis works, readily an- 
 swered, " Why, to be sure, they are books that a man 
 writes after he is dead." 
 
JESTS, NEW &- OLD. 131 
 
 OCCCLXXIV. 
 
 A YOUNG officer of the regiment of Orleans, being 
 ■^^ sent to Louis XIV. with some good news, peti- 
 tioned him for the Order of St. Louis. " You are a 
 very young man," observed the monarch, " True, 
 sire," repHed the officer, " but, you'll remember, our 
 regiment are very short-lived." 
 
 CCCCLXXV. 
 
 WHEN Sir Elijah Impey, the Indian judge, was 
 on his passage home, as he was one day walk- 
 ing the deck, it having blown pretty hard the pre- 
 ceding day, a shark was playing by the side of the 
 ship. Having never seen such an object before, he 
 called to one of the sailors to tell him what it was. 
 " Ah 1" replied the tar, " I don't know what name 
 they know them by ashore, but here we call them 
 sea-lawyers." 
 
 CCOCLXXVI. 
 
 A N English gentleman, travelling through the county 
 -^-*- of Kilkenny, came to a ford, and hired a boat 
 to take him across. The water, being rather more 
 agitated than was agi'eeable to him, he asked the 
 boatman if any person was ever lost in the passage ! 
 * ' Never," replied Terence ; " never. My brother was 
 drowned here last week ; but we found him again the 
 next day." 
 
 CCCCLXXVII. 
 
 A N officer and a lawyer talking of the disastrous 
 -^^ battle of Auerstadt, the former was lamenting 
 the number of brave soldiers who fell on that occasion, 
 when the lawyer observed that those who live by the 
 sword must expect to die by the sword. " By a similar 
 rule," answered the officer, " those who live by the law 
 must expect to die by the law." 
 
 e2 
 
133 yESTS, NEW 6- OLD. 
 
 CCCCLXXSI 
 
 A COMMON-COUNCILMAN was hoaxed into an 
 -^^ opinion that, as a representive of the citizens, he 
 was entitled to ride through the turnpikes free of 
 expense. He next day mounted his nag, to ascertain 
 his civic privileges, and asked at the turnpike at the 
 Dog Row, in Mile End Road, if, as a Common-council- 
 man, he had not a right to pass without paying] 
 " Yes," replied the turnpikeman, archly, " you may 
 pass yourself, but you must pay for your horse." 
 
 0CGCT.XXX1I. 
 
 A MAN, who had known the late Sir John Holker 
 as a boy, came to town, and was directed to 
 the court, where the Solicitor-General happened to be 
 in charge of some case. Pushing his way through the 
 crowd, he got near the place where Holker was stand- 
 ing, and cried out " Johnny ! Johnny r with his hand 
 telephonically to his mouth. ** Hush ! Hush !" whis- 
 pered those by him ; "Don't you know he's her Majesty's 
 Sohcitor-General ?' "Eh! what 1 Solicitor-General? 
 Can't help that — knew him when he was that high. 
 Johnny I Johnny!" 
 
 CCCCLXXXIII. 
 
 TT^LETCHER of Saltoun is well known to have pos- 
 -■- sessed a most irritable temper. His footman 
 desired to be dismissed. " Why do you leave me T 
 said he. " Because, to speak the truth, I cannot bear 
 your temper." " To be sure, I am passionate, but my 
 passion is no sooner on than it is off." "Yes," re- 
 replied the servant, " but, then, it is no sooner off 
 than it is on." 
 
 CCCCLXXXIV. 
 
 A YOUNG lady marrying a man she loved, and 
 -^^ leaving many friends in town, to retire with 
 
yESTS, NEW &^ OLD. 133 
 
 him into the country, Mrs. D said prettily, " She 
 
 has turned one-and-twenty shillings into a guinea." 
 
 CCCCLXXXV. 
 
 TN a part of South Wales, where inundations are 
 -*- frequent, a board is raised on a post with this 
 inscription : " Take notice, that when this board is 
 under water, the road is impassable." 
 
 CCCCLXX5VL 
 
 T ORD NORBURY, the Irish Judge, dining at a table, 
 -*-^ where corn'd beef formed a dish, was asked if 
 he chose a slice. " I would try it," said he, " if it were 
 hung." " If you were to try it," observed Curran, 
 " it would be sure to be hung." 
 
 CCCCLXXXVII. 
 
 "PREVIOUSLY to Foote's bringing out his Primitive 
 -*- Puppet-show, a lady asked him, " Pray sir, are 
 your puppets to be as large as life T " Oh dear, 
 madam, no ; not much above the size of Garrick." 
 
 ccccLXXxvin. 
 TN the Irish Bank Bill, passed in June 1808, there 
 -'- was a clause providing " that the profits shall be 
 equally divided, and that the residue shall go to the 
 governor." 
 
 CCCCLXXXIX. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN in company with Foote, at the 
 ■^-^ Smyrna cofiee-house, took up a newspaper, 
 saying, " He wanted to see what the Ministry were 
 about" Foote replied, " Look among the robberies." 
 
 ccccxa 
 Epigram. 
 rriOM praised his friend (who changed his state) 
 ■*- For binding fast himself and Kate 
 In union so divine ! 
 
134 JESTS, NEW &> OLD. 
 
 " Wedlock's the end of life," he cried ; 
 " Too true, alas !" said Jack, and cried, 
 " 'Twill be the end of mine 1" 
 
 CCOCXCI. 
 
 Bath Festivities. — Epigram, 
 
 TWO musical parties to Bladud belong, 
 To delight the old rooms and the upper : 
 One gives to the ladies a supper, no songj 
 The other, a song and no supper. 
 
 CCCCXCII. 
 
 SOON after Foote had his house at North End, Ful- 
 ham, fitted up, a friend came to see him. Sam, 
 having carried him through the house, asked how ha 
 liked it % He answered, " that it was very neat, and 
 handsomely furnished; but at the same time, that 
 there was not a room fit to swing a cat in." " Sir," says 
 Foote, " I do not mean to swing cats in it." 
 
 OCCCXCIII. 
 
 A LUNATIC in Bedlam was asked how he came 
 -^^ there. He answered, " By a dispute." " What 
 dispute T The Bedlamite replied : " The world said 
 I was mad! I said the world was mad. And they 
 outvoted me." 
 
 ccocxciv. 
 
 Epigram, 
 
 PAINTERS at a certain subject stick. 
 They know not how to form Old Nick. 
 With cloven feet they often draw him ; 
 And sometimes horn him, tail him, claw him ; 
 Pshaw, nonsense all ! if 'tisn't uncivil, 
 Draw Delia frowning — that's the devil. 
 
 GCCOXCV. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN, speaking to Lord Henry Betty's 
 -^^ proposed tax on iron, observed, that as it had 
 
yESTS, NEW ^ OLD. 135 
 
 raised so many objections, it would be better to lay it 
 on coals, " No," said his friend, " that would be out of 
 the frying-pan into the fire." 
 
 ccccxcvi, 
 rriHREE gentlemen proposing to sup at a tavern, one 
 -L of them wished for partridges : a brace was 
 brought, and he who had ordered them was requested 
 to divide them ; which he accordingly did, by taking one 
 on his own plate, and leaving the other for his friends. 
 " Stop," cried one of them, "this is an unequal divi- 
 sion." " Not so," replied he, " there is one for you 
 two, and here is one for me too." 
 
 CCCCXCVII. 
 
 A SCOTCH laird, whose estate in Argyleshire was 
 ■^^^ intersected by the great military road con- 
 structed under the direction of Marshal Wade, erected 
 on a conspicuous part of it a stone with this inscrip- 
 tion : — 
 
 " Had ye seen this ro'd before it was made, 
 Ye'd lift up your bonds and bliss Marshal Wade." 
 
 OCCCXCVIII. 
 /GENERAL SUTTON, brother to Sir Robert Sutton, 
 ^^ was very passionate, and calling one morning on 
 Sir Robert Walpole, who was quite the reverse, found 
 his servant shaving him. During the conversation. 
 Sir Robert said, " John, you cut me," and continued 
 the former subject of discourse. Presently he said 
 again, " John, you cut me," but as mildly as before : 
 and soon after he had occasion to say it a third time ; 
 when Sutton, starting up in a rage, said, swearing a 
 great oath, and doubling his fist at the servant, " If 
 Sir Robert can bear it, I cannot ; and if you cut him 
 once more, John, I'll knock you down." 
 
136 y£STS, JVJSW&-- OLD. 
 
 CCCOXCIX. 
 
 A BEGGAR in Dublin had been a long time be- 
 sieging an old gouty, testy, limping gentleman, 
 who refused his mite with much irritability ; on which 
 the mendicant said : " Ah, plase your honour's honour, 
 I wish yoiu- heart were as tender as your toes." 
 
 D. 
 
 WHEN Mr. Penn walked from Hyde Park Corner 
 to Hammersmith, for a wager of one hundred 
 guineas, with the Honourable Butler Danvers, several 
 gentlemen who had witnessed the contest spoke of it 
 to the Duchess of Gordon, and added it was a pity 
 that a man, with so many good qualities as this Penn 
 had, should be incessantly playing these unaccountable 
 pranks. " It is so," said her Grace ; *' but why don't 
 you advise him better ] He seems to be a pen that 
 everybody cuts, but nobody mends." 
 n. 
 
 DURING a debate in the United States House of Re- 
 presentatives on a Bill for increasing the number 
 of hospitals, one of the western members rose and ob- 
 served, " Mr. Speaker, my opinion is, that the gine- 
 rality of mankind in gineral are disposed to take the 
 disadvantage of the ginerality of mankind in gineral." 
 *' Sit, down," whispered David Crockett, who sat near 
 him, " you are coming out the same hole you went 
 in at." 
 
 DII. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN coming into a choir, where there 
 was none of the best music in the world, hear- 
 ing them singing, Have mercy upon us, miserable 
 sinners : " Ay," says he, " they might very well have 
 said, " Have mercy upon us, miserable singers." 
 
 Dili. 
 
 JOHN PALMER, whose father was a billsticker, and 
 who had occasionally practised in the same hum- 
 
yESTS, NEW &- OLD. 137 
 
 ble though hereditary occupation himself, being one 
 evening strutting in the green-room in a pair of glit- 
 tering buckles, a gentleman, who was present, remarked 
 that they really resembled diamonds. " Sir," said 
 the actor with some warmth, " I would have you to 
 know I never wear anything but diamonds." — " I ask 
 your pardon," replied the gentleman, " I" remember 
 the time when you wore nothing but paste." This 
 produced a loud laugh, which was heightened by 
 Parsons jogging him on the elbow, and drily saying, 
 " Jack, why don't you stick him against the wall ]" 
 
 DIV. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN, asking Dr. Johnson why he hated 
 the Scotch, was answered : " I don't hate them, 
 sir, neither do I hate frogs, but I don't like to have 
 either hopping about my chamber." 
 
 DV. 
 
 ~r\URING the disturbances at Covent Garden Thea- 
 ^-^ tre, at a consultation held by the barristers 
 employed by the managers to conduct the prosecutions 
 against the O.P.'s, Sir Vicary Gibbs quoted the fol- 
 lowing line from Ovid : — 
 
 " Efifodiimtur opes, irritamenta malorum." 
 
 DVI. 
 
 AT the first masquerade which George II. honoured 
 with his presence in England, a lady invited 
 him to drink a glass of wine at one of the buffets. 
 With this he readily complied ; and the lady, filling a 
 bumper, said, " Here, mask, the Pretender's Health ;" 
 then filling another glass, presented it to the king 
 who, receiving it with a smile, replied, " I drink with 
 all my heart to the health of all unfortunate 
 princes." 
 
138 yESTS, NEW 6;^ OLD. 
 
 DVIL 
 
 SIR MARTIN STUTEVILLE'S father riding out one 
 day with his son, they passed by the house of the 
 nurse who had smothered by accident Sir Martin's 
 eldest son. " Look there, Martin," said his father, 
 "there stands the woman that made you an elder 
 brother." " God bless her heart ! " cried Martin, and 
 went up to her, and gave her a couple of shillings. 
 
 DVIII. 
 
 A MAN, hearing that a raven would live two hundred 
 -^^ years, bought one to try. 
 
 DIX. 
 
 A WOMAN gave her little child a cloth to warm 
 -^-^ while she was otherwise busied. The child held 
 it to the fire ; but so near that it changed colour 
 presently, and began to look like tinder ; upon which 
 the child called to its mother, " Mamma, is it done 
 enough when it looks brown ? " 
 
 DX. 
 
 IN a debate on the leather-tax, in 1795, in the Irish 
 House of Commons, the Chancellor of the Ex-* 
 chequer observed with great emphasis, that in the 
 prosecution of the present war, every man ought to give 
 his last guinea to protect the remainder. A member 
 said, that however that might be, the tax on leather 
 would be severely felt by the bare-footed peasantry of 
 Ireland. To which another replied, that this could 
 be easily remedied by making the underleathers of 
 wood. 
 
 DXl. 
 
 A DEVOTEE lamented to her confessor her love of 
 -^^ gambling. " Ah, madam," replied the priest, 
 " it is a grievous sin. In the first place, consider the 
 
^ESTS, NEW ^ OLD. 139 
 
 great loss of time." — " Yes," replied the fair penitent, 
 " I have often grudged the time that is lost in shuffling 
 and dealing" 
 
 DXII. 
 
 A NEGRO, offering to lift a young lady over a 
 -^^ gutter, she insisted that she was too heavy. 
 " Lor, missus," said he, " I'se used to lifting barrels of 
 sugar." 
 
 DXIII. 
 
 A LOIN of mutton was on a table, and the gentle- 
 -^^ man opposite to it took the carving-knife in 
 hand. " Shall I cut lisaddlewise ? " quoth he. " You 
 had better cut it bridlewise" replied the master of the 
 house, " for then we shall all stand a better chance to 
 get a bit in our mouths ! " 
 
 DXIV. 
 
 " TT is a solemn thing to be married," said Aunt 
 -L Rachel, a grave spinster, to her niece. " It's a 
 good deal more solemn not to be," said the merry 
 girl. 
 
 DXV. 
 
 A WELSH parson, in his sermon, told his congrega- 
 -^^ tion, how kind and respectful we ought to be 
 towards each other, and added that we were greatly 
 inferior to the brutes in this respect. To prove this, 
 he mentioned as an example the circumstance of two 
 goats, which met one another upon a narrow plank 
 across a river, so that they could not pass by without 
 one thrusting the other off. " Now, how do you think 
 they did 1 Why, I'U tell you. One lay down, and 
 let the other leap over him. Ah, my beloved, let 
 us live like goats." 
 
140 y£STS, NEW &> OLD. 
 
 DXVI. 
 
 fJIHE foolish Duke of Cumberland was one night in 
 -■- the green-room at the Haymarket. " Well, here 
 I am," said he, " Mr. Foote, ready to swallow all your 
 good things." " Your Royal Highness," answered the 
 wit, " must really possess the digestion of an ostrich, 
 for I never knew you to throw any up again." 
 
 DXVII. 
 
 XTTHEN Lady Cork gave a party, at which she wore 
 '" an enormous plume, Jekyll, who was there, 
 observed, that she was just like a shuttlecock — all cork 
 and feathers. 
 
 DXVIII. 
 
 TTORNE TOOKE was the son of a poulterer, and 
 -*--■- was afraid lest his schoolfellows should discover 
 the fact. Once he was pressed very hard to say what 
 his father was. " A Turkey merchant," was his reply. 
 
 DXIX. 
 
 A SHHURST having said that the law was open to 
 -^^ all, Tooke remarked, "And so is the London 
 Tavern 1 " 
 
 DXX. 
 
 ■pOBERT CLIVE wrote a very iUegible hand. He 
 -L*^ told his sisters, who had sent him out to India a 
 handsome present, that they might expect in return 
 for it an elephant which, to their great reUef, turned 
 out, when it arrived, to be an equivalent— oi a less 
 embarrassing description. 
 
 DXXl. 
 
 A COUNTRY gentleman, just come to London, was 
 ■^^ desirous of seeing everything curious, and after 
 
yESTS, NEW &' OLD. 141 
 
 having paid visits to the Abbey, the Lions, &c., he 
 begged a friend to take him to Bedlam. They went, 
 but on their way stopped at Jonathan's coffee-house, 
 where the friend had some business. The Londoner, 
 when he was ready to go, looked for his visitor, and at 
 last found him outside the door. " Why didn't you 
 stay in here," said he. " Stay in V returned the other; 
 " hang it ! they're all loose." 
 
 DXXIL 
 
 SOME years ago, a man carried about Scarborough 
 a bag, in which he said he had a cherry-coloured 
 cat. The gentry flocked to see this wonderful pheno- 
 menon ; but when he had collected as much as he 
 could, he produced his cat, which proved a black one. 
 Being upbraided for the imposition : " Nay, gentle- 
 men," said he, " I have not deceived you ; for you 
 know there are black cherries as well as red ones." 
 
 DXXIII. 
 
 BROUGHAM once facetiously defined a lawyer thus : 
 " A learned gentleman, who rescues your estate 
 from your enemies, and keeps it himself" 
 
 DXXIV. 
 
 A POOR old woman, who was in very feeble health, 
 -^^ had bequeathed to her parish priest after her 
 death a solitary hen — which was all the property she 
 had. The priest came one day, while she was still 
 alive, and took away the hen with him. The poor old 
 creature was so provoked when she found it out, that 
 she exclaimed : " Now I'm sure that our priest is 
 worse than the devil and the fox. I've often bidden 
 the devil take her, and the fox take her, but they 
 wouldn't, so long as I lived." 
 
142 y£STS, NEW ^^ OLD. 
 
 DXXV. 
 
 T ORD CHANCELLOR HARDWICKE was very 
 -L-^ fond of entertaining his visitors with the follow- 
 ing story of his bailiff, who, having been ordered by 
 his lady to procure a sow of a particular description, 
 came one day into the dining-room when full of 
 company, proclaiming with a burst of joy he could not 
 suppress, " I have been at Royston fair, my lady, and 
 I have got a sow exactly of your ladyship's size." 
 
 DXXVl. 
 
 ONE of King James the First's chaplains, preaching 
 before the court at Whitehall, made use of the 
 following quibbles in his discourse. Speaking of the 
 depravity of the age, " almost all houses," he said, 
 " were made ale-houses ; that men made matrimony a 
 matter of money, and placed their paradise in a pair 
 of dice : Was it so in the time of Noah % Ah, no." 
 
 DXXVII. 
 
 ON Lord Kellie, the celebrated musician, who was 
 remarkable for his red face and insobriety, coming 
 into a room in an embroidered coat much tarnished, 
 Foote said he looked like Monmouth Street in flames. 
 
 DXXVIII. 
 
 HUET, Bishop of Avranches, devoted the whole of 
 his time to study. A person in his diocese, who 
 had made frequent applications to obtain an interview 
 with him on business of importance, grew tired at 
 length of calling, and exclaimed, " God send our next 
 bishop may have finished his studies." 
 
 DXXIX. 
 
 TT is said that a lady once asked Lord Brougham, 
 -*- Who was the best debater in the House of Lords 1 
 
yESTS, NEW &> OLD. 143 
 
 His lordship modestly replied : " Lord Stanley is the 
 second, madam." 
 
 DXXX. 
 
 WHEN James I. coined his twenty-two-shilling 
 pieces, called Jacobuses, his head was repre- 
 sented as crowned : he afterwards coined his twenty- 
 shilling pieces, where he wore the laurel instead of the 
 crown. Ben Jonson observed on this, that poets always 
 came to poverty. " King James," says he, " no sooner 
 began to wear bays, than he fell two shillings in the 
 pound." 
 
 DXXXI. 
 
 A CERTAIN gentleman's attendance at the Old 
 ■^-^ Birmingham Library, where he was not a sub- 
 scriber, had grown more frequent than his company 
 was acceptable. The regular visitors had many debates 
 whether to give him a polite notice to quit, or suffer 
 him to remain. An old crusty gentleman, going in 
 one day, soon settled the business : preceiving not only 
 the disagi'eeable visitor, but a large mastiff" belonging 
 to him, taking up the whole of the fireplace, he very 
 coolly opened the door, and giving the mastiff a tre- 
 mendous kick, which made him raise a hideous yell, 
 he -exclaimed in a broad accent, *' Come, dom it, you 
 are no subscriber, at any rate." The gentleman fol- 
 lowed his dog, and never more annoyed them by his 
 presence. 
 
 DXXXIL 
 
 A LADY desired her butler to be saving of an ex- 
 ■^-^ cellent tun of small beer, and asked him how it 
 might be preserved. " I know of no method so effectual, 
 my lady," says the butier, "as placing a barrel of good 
 ale by it." 
 
144 yESTS, NEW &^ OLD. 
 
 DXXXIII. 
 
 THEODORE HOOK was one evening at a party at 
 the Archbishop of Canterbury's, and when he was 
 preparing to leave, he searched in the hall without 
 success for his headgear. Eogers found him wandering 
 up and down, to the inexpressible astonishment of the 
 servants in livery, singing, " Shepherds, I have lost 
 my hat." 
 
 DXXXIV. 
 
 WHEN" Sydney Smith's physician (Abernethy), told 
 him that he ought to take exercise on an empty 
 stomach, he inquired, " upon whose 1 " 
 
 DXXXV. 
 
 SYDNEY SMITH told a story of Lady Cork being so 
 moved by a charity sermon, that she borrowed a 
 guinea of him to put into the plate. But she forgot 
 to put it in, and also to repay the money. He said 
 once that he had dreamt that there were thirty-nine 
 muses, and nine articles. Of a right reverend bishop 
 he remarked, " he is so like Judas, that I am quite 
 converted to a belief in the apostolical succession." 
 
 DXXXVI. 
 
 GARRICK, one day dining with a large company, 
 soon after dinner left the room, and it was sup- 
 posed that he had left the house ; but one of the party, 
 on going into the area to seek him, found Garrick fully 
 occupied in amusing a negro boy, who was a servant 
 in the family, by mimicking the manner and noise of 
 a turkey-cock, which diverted the boy to such a degree, 
 that he was convulsed with laughter, and only able 
 now and then to utter, " Massa Garrick ! you will 
 kill me, Massa Garrick !" 
 
JESTS, NEW^ 6- OLD. 145 
 
 DXXXVII. 
 
 A RECRUITING sergeant addressed an honest coun- 
 -^^ try bumpkin in one of the streets in Manchester, 
 with — " Come, my lad, thou'lt fight for thy king, won't 
 thou]" — " Voight for my king," answered Hodge/'why, 
 has he fa n out wi' ony body \ " 
 
 DSXXVIII. 
 
 TN a country news-room, the following notice was 
 -■- written over the chimney : — " Gentlemen learning 
 to spell are requested to use yesterday's paper ! " 
 
 DXXXIX. 
 
 A LADY having put to Canning the silly question, 
 ■^-^~ why they made the spaces in the iron gate at 
 Spring Gardens so narrow, he replied, " 0, ma'am, be- 
 cause such very fat people used to go through." 
 
 DXL. 
 
 A NORMAN, who had stolen a horse at Rouen, 
 -^^ went to sell him at Falaise. The purchaser, 
 having agreed about the price, suspected that the ani- 
 mal might have been stolen, and said to the seller, 
 " Will you warrant him everywhere 1 " " Everywhere," 
 said the Norman, " except Rouen." 
 
 Dxr,i. 
 /DOLMAN and Banister dining one day with Erskine, 
 ^ the ex-chancellor, amongst other things observed 
 that he had then about three thousand head of sheep. 
 "I perceive," inteiTupted Colman, "that your lordship 
 has still an eye to the Woolsack! " 
 
 DXLII. 
 
 "ITESTRIS, the celebrated opera dancer, used to say 
 ' with the most perfect sincerity, ** I know only 
 three men in Europe at the present day who are unique 
 in their way — the King of Prussia, Voltaire, and my- 
 self." 
 
146 JESTS, NEW &> OLD. 
 
 DXLIII. 
 
 A BISHOP of London having cut down a noble doud 
 ■^-^ of trees at Fulham, the famous Bacon told him, 
 he was a good expounder of dark places. 
 
 DXLIV. 
 
 A WELSH judge, celebrated as a suitor for all sorts 
 -^^ of places, and his neglect of personal cleanliness, 
 was thus addressed by Jekyll : " As you have asked 
 the Ministers for everything else, why have you never 
 asked them for a piece of soap and a nail brush 1 " 
 
 DXLV. 
 
 WHENEVER Handel dined alone at a tavern, he 
 always ordered, " Dinner for three ; " and on 
 receiving for answer to his question — " 7s te tinner 
 retty?" " As soon as the company come." "Then," 
 said he, " pi'ing up te tinner prestissimo ; I am dk com- 
 pany. " 
 
 DXLVI. 
 
 AN honest Highlander, walking along Holborn, 
 heard a voice cry, " Rogue Scot, rogue Scot ; " 
 his northern blood fired at the insult ; and he drew 
 his broad sword, looking round him on every side to 
 discover the object of his indignation ; at last he found 
 it came from a parrot perched in a balcony within his 
 reach ; but the generous Scot, disdaining to stain his 
 trusty blade with such ignoble blood, put up his sword 
 again with a soiir smile, saying, " Gin ye were a mon, 
 as ye're a green geuse, I would split your weem." 
 
 DXLVII. 
 
 LORD ELDON, in one of his shooting excursions at 
 Wareham, in Dorsetshire, unexpectedly came 
 across a person who was sporting over his land without 
 
yESTS, OLD &> NEW. 147 
 
 leave. His lordship inquired if the stranger was aware 
 he was trespassing, or if he knew to whom the estate 
 belonged] " Wliat's that to you?" was the reply. 
 " I suppose you are one of Old Bags's keepers." "No," 
 replied his lordship, " your supposition is a wrong one, 
 my friend, for I am Old Bags himself." 
 
 DXLVIII. 
 
 SOME years ago, says Richardson in his "Anecdotes 
 of Painting," a gentleman came to me to invite 
 me to his house : " I have," said he, " a picture of 
 Rubens, and it is a rare good one. There is little 
 
 H the other day came to see it, and says it is a 
 
 copy. If any one says so again, I'll break his head. 
 Pray, MJr. Richardson, will you do me the favour to 
 come, and give me your real opinion of it ? " 
 
 DXLIX. 
 
 " TTTHO is this Bobe (Pope), that I hear so much 
 ' ' about 1 '' asked George 11., who had a diffi- 
 culty in pronouncing his p's ; " I cannot discover what 
 is his merit. Why will not all my subjects write in 
 brose 1 I hear a good deal, too, of Shakesbeare, but I 
 cannot read him, he's such a bombast fellow." 
 
 DL. 
 
 A CORPULENT country gentleman, being at Strat- 
 -^^ ford at the time of the jubilee celebrated there 
 in honour of Shakespear, was very fond of being in 
 company with Foote. The latter, wishing to get rid 
 of him, asked him abruptly what country he came 
 from i " Fx'om Essex," answered the other. " Ay," 
 said Foote, " from Essex ; and pray, who drove you % 
 
 DLL 
 
 SHORTLY after the commencement of the Peninsular 
 war, a tax was laid on candles, which as a politi- 
 
 l2 
 

 
 148 JESTS, NEW d- OLD. 
 
 cal economist would prove, made them dearer. A 
 Scotch wife in Greenock remarked to her chandler, 
 Paddy Macbeth, that the price was raised, and asked 
 why 1 " It's a awin' to the war," said Paddy. " The 
 war ! " said the astonished matron, " Gracious me ! are 
 they gaun to feeht by candle licht 1 " 
 
 DLII. 
 
 N All-Hallow E'en, so celebrated in Ireland, two 
 apple-and-nut women entering the hall of the 
 Four Courts on that day, pressed Councillor Shannon 
 to buy some nuts. The councillor replied, " They are 
 all empty, you baggages." — " They are the more like 
 your head, councillor ; " replied one of the nymphs, 
 and passed on, crying her wares. 
 
 DLIII. 
 
 A CLERGYMAN, having gone to visit the portraits 
 of the Scottish kings in Holyrood House, ob- 
 served one of the monarchs of a very youthful ap- 
 pearance, while his son was depicted with a long beard, 
 and wore the traits of extreme old age. " Sancta 
 Maria," exclaimed the good Hibernian, "is it possible 
 that this gentleman was an old man when his father 
 was horn ! ! ! " 
 
 DLIV. 
 
 CAPTAIN PARRY was once asked at a dinnerparty 
 where Erskine was present, what he and his crew 
 lived upon when they were frozen in the Polar Sea. 
 Parry said they had lived upon seals. "And very 
 good living too," exclaimed the veteran joker, " if you 
 keep them long enough." 
 
 DLV. 
 
 FRENCH priest, who had usually a very small 
 audience, was one day preaching at the church 
 
 A 
 
yESTS, NEW ^ OLD. 149 
 
 in his village when, the doors being open, a gander and 
 several geese came stalking up the middle aisle. The 
 preacher, availing himself of the circumstance, ob- 
 served, " that he could no longer find fault with his 
 district for non-attendance ; because, though they did 
 not come themselves, they sent their representatives.''' 
 
 DLVI. 
 
 TTvRYDEN'S wife complained to him that he was 
 ■^-^ always reading, and took little notice of her : " I 
 wish," said she, " I was a book, and then I should 
 enjoy more of your company." " Yes, my deai-," replied 
 Dryden, " I wish you were a book — an Almanac, I 
 mean, for then I should change you every year." 
 
 DLVII. 
 
 A WIT, at the time when the revolutionary names 
 of the months (Thermidor, Flor^al, Nivose, &c.) 
 were adopted in France, proposed to extend the inno- 
 vation to our own language, somehat on the following 
 model : — Freezy, Sneezy, Breezy, Wheezy ; Showery, 
 Lowery, Flowery, Bowery; Snowy, Flowy, Blowy, 
 Growy. 
 
 DLVIII. 
 
 IN Queen Anne's reign. Lord Bateman married three 
 wives, all of whom were his servants. A beggar- 
 woman meeting him one day in the street, made him 
 a very low curtsey. " Ah ! God Almighty bless you," 
 said she, " and send you a long life ; if you do but live 
 long enough, we shall be all ladies in time." 
 
 DLIX. 
 
 A FRENCH marquis, dining one day with Sir 
 Roger Williams, the famous punster, was boast- 
 ing of the happy genius of his nation in projecting all 
 the fine modes and fashions, particularly the ruffle 
 
I50 JESTS, NEW q:- OLD. 
 
 which, he said, " was de fine ornament to do hand, and 
 had been followed by all de other nations." Koger 
 allowed what he said, but at the same time that the 
 English, according to custom, " had made a great im- 
 provement upon their invention, by adding the shirt 
 to it." 
 
 DLX. 
 
 A FRENCH gentleman, who was not proverbial for 
 his sagacity, being complimented upon the good 
 appearance his coach-horses made : " To be sure," said 
 he, " how should it be otherwise ] They eat such 
 excellent hay and oats : the king himself eats no 
 better." 
 
 DLXI. 
 
 SIR T. ROBINSON was a tall, uncouth man, and 
 his statm-e was often rendered still moi'e remark- 
 able by his hunting dress, a postilion's cap, a tight 
 green jacket, and buckskin breeches. He was liable 
 to sudden whims, and once set oflP on a sudden, in his 
 hunting-suit, to visit his sister, who was married and 
 settled at Paris. He arrived while there was a large 
 company at dinner. The servant announced M. Rob- 
 inson, and he came in, to the great amazement of the 
 guests. Among others, a French abbe thrice lifted 
 his fork to his mouth, and thrice laid it down, with an 
 eager stare of surprise. Unable to restrain his curiosity 
 any longer, he burst out with, " Pardonnez-moi, mon- 
 sieur, est-ce que vous 6tes le celebre Robinson Crusoe i" 
 
 DLXII, 
 
 BROUGHAM, in the House of Lords, said he remem- 
 bered a case wherein Lord Eldon referred it in 
 succession to three Chief Courts below, to decide what 
 a particular document was. The Court of King's 
 
yESTS, NEW d^ OLD. 1 5 1 
 
 Bench decided it was a lease in fee ; the Common 
 Pleas, that it was a lease in tail ; the Exehequei-, that 
 it was a lease for years. Whereupon Lord Eldou, 
 when it came back to him, decided for himself that it 
 was no lease at all. 
 
 DLXIII. 
 
 LORD WILLIAM POULET, though often chairman 
 of committees of the House of Commons, was a 
 great dunce, and could scarcely read. Having to read 
 a bill for naturalising Jemima, Duchess of Kent, he 
 called her Jeremiah, Duchess of Kent. Having heard 
 south walls commended for ripening fruit, he shewed 
 all the four sides of his garden as south walls. A 
 pamphlet called " The Snake in the Grass," being 
 reported, probably in joke, to be written by this Lord 
 William Poulet, a gentleman, abused in it, sent him a 
 challenge. Lord William professed his innocence, and 
 that he was not the author ; but the gentleman would 
 not be satisfied without a denial under his hand. Lord 
 William took a pen and began, " This is to scratify, 
 
 that the buk called the Snak " " Oh, my lord," 
 
 said the person, " I am satisfied ; your lordship has 
 already convinced me you did not write the book." 
 
 DLXIV. 
 
 AN honestWelsh carpenter, coming out of Cardigan- 
 shire, got work in Bristol, where, in a few months, 
 he had saved, besides his expenses, about twelve 
 shillings ; and with this prodigious sum of money re- 
 turning into his own country, when he came upon 
 Mile Hill, he looked back on the town : " Ah, poor 
 Pristow," said he, " if one or two more of hur counti-y- 
 men were to give hur such another shake as hur has 
 done, it would be poor Pristow indeed." 
 
152 JESTS, NEW &- OLD. 
 
 DLXV. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN, describing a person who often 
 ^-*- visited him for the sole purpose of having a long 
 gossip, called him Mr. Jones the stay-m,aker. 
 
 DLXVI. 
 
 REYNOLDS, the dramatist, observing to Martin the 
 thinness of the house at one of his own plays, 
 added — " He supposed it was owing to the war." 
 '* No," replied the latter, " it is owing to the 'piece." 
 
 DLXVII. 
 
 T ORD GALLOWAY was an enemy to the Bute ad- 
 -L^ ministration. At the change of the Ministry he 
 came to London for the first time in George Ill's reign. 
 He was dressed in black, in a very uncourtly style. 
 When he appeared at the levee, the eyes of the com- 
 pany were turned on him ; and George Selwyn, being 
 asked who he was, replied : " A Scotch undertaker, 
 come to bury the last administration." 
 
 DXLVIII. 
 
 A FOOLISH fellow went to the parish priest, and 
 told him with a very long face, that he had seen 
 a ghost. " When and where? " said the pastor. " Last 
 night," replied the timid man, " I was passing by the 
 church, and up against the wall of it I beheld the 
 spectre." " In what shape did it appear 1 " said the 
 priest. " It appeared to be in the shape of a great 
 ass." " Go home, and hold your tongue about it," 
 rejoined the pastor, " you are a very timid man, and 
 have been frightened by your own shadow." 
 
 DLXIX. 
 
 SIR JOHN STUART HAMILTON was lounging 
 one day in Dalby's chocolate-house, when, after a 
 long drought, there fell a torrent of rain : a country 
 
JESTS NEW &- OLD. 153 
 
 gentleman observed, " This is a most delightful rain ; 
 I hope it will bring up everything out of the ground." 
 " By Jove, sir," said Sir John, " I hope not, for I have 
 sowed three wives in it, and I should be very sorry to 
 see them come up again." 
 
 DLXX. 
 
 TT^RANKLIN tells us, when he travelled in America 
 -L and wished to ask his road, he found it necessary 
 to save time by prefacing his question with — " My 
 name is Benjamin Franklin ; I am by trade a printer; 
 I am come from such a place, and am going to such a 
 place ; and now tell me which is my road ? " 
 
 DLXXI. 
 
 A N attorney in Dublin died very poor, A shilling 
 -^-*- subscription was set on foot to pay the expenses 
 of his funeral. Most of the attorneys and barristers 
 having subscribed, one of them applied to Toler, after- 
 wards Lord Chief Justice Norbury, expressing a hope 
 that he would also subscribe his shilling. " Only a 
 shilling," said Toler, " to bury an attorney ! Here's a 
 guinea ; go and bury one and twenty of them." 
 
 DLXXII. 
 
 WHEN the first edition of Thomson's " Seasons " 
 came out, the poet sent a copy, handsomely 
 bound, to Sir Gilbert Eliot of Minto, afterwards Lord 
 Justice Clerk, who had shown him great kindness. 
 Sir Gilbert showed the book to his gardener, a relation 
 of Thomson. The man, taking it into his hands, and 
 turning it over and over, and gazing on it with admi- 
 ration, Sir Gilbert said to him, " Well, David, what do 
 you think of James Thomson now 1 there's a book will 
 make him famous all "the world over, and immortalise 
 his name." David, looking now at Sir Gilbert, then 
 
154 yESTS, NEW &^ OLD. 
 
 at the book, said, '* In troth, sir, it is a grand book ! 
 I didna think the led had i'genuity enow to ha' dane 
 sic a neat piece o' handicraft." 
 
 DLXXni. 
 
 A FASHIONABLE countess, asking a young noble- 
 -^- man which he thought the prettiest flower, roses 
 or tulips ? he replied with great gallantry, " Your lady- 
 ship's two lips before aU the roses in the world." 
 
 DLXXIV. 
 
 CHARLES LAMB, meeting an acquaintance, asked 
 him to lend him five shillings ; but the friend 
 had only half-a-crown about him, which he handed to 
 Lamb. Some time after, the gentleman meeting 
 Charles, said — " Ah, by the by, you owe me half-a- 
 crown." '* JST-not at-at all," replied the other ; " y-y- 
 you owe m-me ha-half-a^cr-crown ; f-for don't you recol- 
 recollect, I-I asked you f-for fi-fi-five shil-shillings, and 
 you only g-ga-gave me two-two and six-p-pe-pence 1 " 
 
 DLXXV. 
 
 A FTER the death of Sir Busick Harwood, his widow, 
 -^-^ who had been a Miss PecheU, gave evening 
 parties very frequently. On one of these occasions, a 
 gentleman, who was regaling himself with a third 
 cheese-cake, observed in a whisper to his friend, "The 
 hands of our hostess are unusually clean this evening," 
 to which he replied, "That is always the case when 
 she has a party, for her ladyship makes her own 
 pastry." 
 
 DLXXVI. 
 
 SIR JOHN MILLICENT, the judge, was a man of 
 superior abilities and a good lawyer, but addicted 
 to his cups. He used to say that there was nothing 
 for it, but to drink himself down to the capacity of his 
 colleagues. 
 
JESTS, NEW 6^ OLD. 155 
 
 DLXXVII. 
 
 IT is the custom that every counsel, on being called 
 to the degree of a serjeant-at-law, shall present 
 gold rings to the Crown, Lord Chancellor, and other 
 officers of state. Once, in the presence of the late Mr. 
 Commissioner Fonblanque, of the Court of Bankruptcy, 
 a question was raised as to the most appropriate motto 
 for rings of this description. Some one suggested — 
 To Wit ; whereupon Fonblanque very promptly and 
 "wittily said, " But it should be in Latin — Scilicet ! " 
 
 DLXXVIII. 
 
 MRS. BROUGHAM, mother of the late Ex-Chancel- 
 lor, was a most excellent and thrifty housewife. 
 One one occasion she was much troubled with a servant 
 addicted to dish- breaking, and who used to allege, in 
 extenuation of her fault, " it was crackit before." One 
 morning, little Harry tumbled down.stairs, when the 
 fond mother, running after him, exclaimed, " Oh ! boy, 
 have you broke your head ] " " No, ma," said Broug- 
 ham, " it was crackit before." 
 
 DLXXIX. 
 
 TT was mentioned to Jekyll that one of his friends, 
 -*~ a brewer, had been drowned in his own vat. 
 " Ah," he exclaimed, *' floating in his ovm watery bier." 
 
 DLXXX, 
 
 MOORE, the dramatist, having been long under a 
 prosecution in Doctors' Commons, his proctor 
 called on him on day, whilst he was composing the 
 tragedy of the Gamester. The proctor having sat 
 down, he read him four acts of the piece, being all he 
 had written, by which the man of law was so much 
 aifected, that he exclaimed, " Good God ! can you add 
 to this couple's distress in the last act 1 " — " Oh ! very 
 
iS6 yESTS, NEW &- OLD. 
 
 easily," said the poet, *' I intend to put them in the 
 Spiritual Court." 
 
 DLXXXI. 
 
 rpHE celebrated Dr. Brown paid his addresses to a 
 -'■ lady for many years unsuccessfully ; and during 
 that time he had always accustomed himself to propose 
 her health, whenever he was called upon for a lady. 
 But being observed one evening to omit it, a gentleman 
 reminded him, that he had forgotten to toast his 
 favourite lady. " Why, indeed," said the doctor, " I 
 find it all in vain ; I have toasted her so many years 
 and cannot make her Brown, that I am determined to 
 toast her no longer." 
 
 DLXXXII. 
 
 THE colonel of the Perthshire Cavalry was com- 
 plaining that, from the ignorance and inattention 
 of his officers, he was obliged to do the whole duty of 
 the regiment. " I am," said he, " my own captain, 
 my own lieutenant, my own comet," — ** and trumpeter 
 also, I presume," said a certain witty duchess. 
 
 DLXXXm. 
 
 A COMMERCIAL traveller one day, at a country 
 inn, was boasting somewhat extravagantly of the 
 very extensive nature of the transactions in which he 
 had the honour to be concerned. Amongst other 
 proofs of the truth of his representations, he stated to 
 his fellow-travellers that, " his house paid upwards of 
 £300 per annum for the article of writing-ink alone, 
 to be used in their counting-house and other offices ! " 
 " Oh ! " replies a traveller in a diflFerent line of business, 
 " that's a mere flea-bite to the business done by our 
 house. Do you know," he continued, " that during 
 the last twelve months we have saved, in that article 
 
yESTS, NEW C^ OLD. 157 
 
 alone, no less a sum than £2000, by merely omitting 
 the dots to our I's, and the crosses to our {s I " 
 
 DLXXXIV. 
 
 CHARLES v., going to see the new cloister of the 
 Dominicans at Vienna, overtook a peasant who 
 was carrying a sucking pig, and whose cries were so 
 disagreeable to the emperor, that, after many expres- 
 sions of impatience, he said to the pesant, "My friend, 
 do you not know how to silence a sucking pig ? " The 
 poor man said modestly, that he really did not, and 
 should be happy to learn. " Take it by the tail," said 
 the emperor. The peasant finding this succeed upon 
 trial, turned to the emperor, and said, " Faith, friend, 
 you must have been longer at the trade than me, for 
 you understand it better," 
 
 DLXXXV. 
 
 A YOUTH asked permission of his mother to go to 
 a ball. She told him it was a bad place for little 
 boys. " Why, mother, didn't you and father use to 
 go to balls when you were young 1 " " Yes, but we 
 have seen the folly of it/' said the mother. " Well, 
 mother," exclaimed the son, " I want to see the folly 
 of it too ! " 
 
 DLXXXVI. 
 
 DEAN JACKSON, passing one morning through 
 Christ Church quadrangle, met some undergradu- 
 ates, who walked along without capping. The Dean 
 called one of them, and asked, " Do you know who I 
 am?" "No, sir." "How long have you been in 
 college?" "Eight days, sir." " Oh, very well," said 
 the Dean, walking away, " puppies don't open their 
 eyes till the ninth day." 
 
iSS yESTS, NEW Q^ OLD. 
 
 DLXXXVII. 
 
 A GENTLEMAN on circuit, narrating to Lord Nor- 
 ■^-^ burjsome extravagant feat in sporting, mentioned 
 that he had lately shot thirty-three hares before break- 
 fast. "Thirty-three hairs/" exclaimed his lordship. 
 " Zounds ! then you must have hQQXi firing at a wig /'^ 
 
 DLXXXVIII. 
 
 FATHER O'LEARY had once a war of polemics with 
 the Protestant Bishop of Cloyne, in which the 
 prelate inveighed with great acrimony against the 
 superstitions of Popery, and particularly against the 
 doctrine of purgatory. Father O'Leary in his reply, 
 slily observed, " that much as the bishop disliked pur- 
 gatory, he might possibly go farther, and fare worse," 
 
 DLXXXIX. 
 
 LADY A. and her daughter having been much an- 
 noyed by the gaucheries of a country booby of a 
 servant, who would persevere in giving in their names 
 as the Right Hon. Lady A. and the Hon. Miss A., at 
 length took him seriously to task, and desired that, 
 in future, he would mention them as simple Lady A. 
 and plain Miss A. Their astonishment may be 
 conceived when they found themselves obeyed to the 
 letter, and Devonshire House was electrified by the 
 intelligence that ^^ simple Lady A. and j^l^in Miss A. 
 were coming up." 
 
 DXC. 
 
 A GASCON officer in the regiment of the Duke de 
 -^-*- Roquelaure dining one day with the Duke, the 
 conversation turned on Aristotle. Some one maintained 
 that there were a great many admirable things in 
 Aristotle which were to be found nowhere else. " Well," 
 said the Duke, turning to the Gascon, who was the 
 butt of the company, " what do you think of the 
 
yESTS, NEW &^ OLD. 159 
 
 matter ? " " My opinion is," replied the Gascon, " that 
 a great many people talk of having been at Aristotle, 
 who never were there in their lives." 
 
 DXCI. 
 
 rpHE following colloquy took place lately between 
 -L an inquisitive gentleman and his butcher's boy: — 
 " What are your politics T' said the gentleman. " The 
 Queen's, sir." " What are the Queen's 1 " " Moin, 
 sir." "What's your name?" "My name," replied 
 boy, " is the same as father's." " And what is his 
 name ■? " said the gentleman. " It is the. same aa 
 moin." '' Then what are both your names 1 " " Whoy, 
 they are both alike," said the boy. The gentleman 
 turned on his heel, and the boy shouted, " Anything 
 more, sir 1 " 
 
 DXCII. 
 
 A NOBLEMAN having presented King Charles II. 
 ■^^ with a fine horse, his Majesty bad Killigrew, 
 who was present, tell him his age, whereupon Killi- 
 grew goes and examines the tail : " What are you 
 doing ] " said the king, " this is not the place to find 
 out its age." — "Oh! sir," said Killigi-ew, "your 
 Majesty knows no one should ever look a gift horse in 
 the mouth." 
 
 DXCIII. 
 
 CHARLES THE SECOND once said to Algernon 
 Sidney, " Look me out a man that can't be cor- 
 rupted : I have sent out three treasurers to the North, 
 and they have all turned thieves." " Well, sire, I 
 will recommend Mi vert." " Mivert ! " exclaimed the 
 king, " why Mivert is a thief already." " Therefore he 
 cannot he corrupted, your majesty," answered Sidney. 
 
j6o yESTS, JVElVc^ OLD. 
 
 DXCIV. 
 
 DOMINICO, the harlequin, going to see Louis XIV. 
 at supper, fixed his eye on a dish of partridges. 
 The king, who was fond of his acting, said, " Give 
 those birds to Dominico." " And the dish too, sire \ " 
 Louis, penetrating his art, replied, " And the dish 
 too." The dish was gold. 
 
 DXCV. 
 
 MR. SERJEANT MAYNARD had a mind to punish 
 a man who had voted against his interest in a 
 borough in the West, and brought an action against 
 him for scandalous words spoken at a time when a 
 member to serve in the House of Commons for that 
 borough was to be chosen. First he laid his action in 
 the county of Middlesex : and that was by vii-tue of 
 his privilege, which supposes a serjeant on the Court 
 of Common Pleas, and not to be drawn from the county 
 where the court sat ; and then, in the next place, he 
 charged the words in Latin that, if he proved the 
 effect, it would be sufficient : whereas, being in English, 
 they must prove the very words to a tittle ; and those 
 were a long story that used to be told of Mr. Noy and 
 all the cock lawyers of the West. So this was tried 
 before Chief Justice North at Nisi Prius. The witness, 
 telling the story, as he swore the defendant told it, 
 said that a client came to the serjeant, and gave him 
 a basket of pippins, and every pippin had a piece of 
 gold iu it. " Those were golden pippins," quoth the 
 judge. The seijeant began to puff, not bearing the 
 jest ,: so the witness went on, '• And then," said he, 
 " the other side came and gave him a roasting pig (as 
 it is called m the West), and inside the pig there were 
 fifty broad pieces." " That's good sauce to a pig," 
 quoth the judge again. This put the serjeant out of 
 
JESTS, NEW &' OLD. i6i 
 
 all patience ; and speaking to those about him, "This," 
 said he, "is on purpose to make me ridiculous." The 
 story being sworn, the judge directed the jury to find 
 for the Serjeant ; but in the court the judgment was 
 arrested, because the words were mere merriment over 
 ale, without intent to slander. 
 
 DXCVI. 
 
 A COUNTRY gentleman, coming to the Temple to 
 take the opinion of the celebrated Sir Edward 
 Coke on a point of law, asked for My Lord Cooke's 
 shop. 
 
 rxcvii. 
 
 WHEN Dr. Dale was selected to fill some impor- 
 tant diplomatic appointment in Flanders, in 
 the time of Queen Elizabeth, the queen told him, that 
 he would receive twenty shillings a day for his expenses. 
 " Then madam," said he, " I shall spend nineteen." 
 The queen asked him what he would do with the odd 
 shilling. " I shall keep that," said he, " for my Kate, 
 and for Tom and Dick " — meaning his wife and chil- 
 dren. The same gentleman, while he was abroad, sent 
 two letters home, one for the queen, and the other for 
 Mrs. Dale ; but unluckily, he misdirected them, and 
 the one addressed to the queen began, " my dear vdfe; 
 while the other was superscribed, " To her most excel- 
 lent Majesty." 
 
 DXCVIII. 
 
 A CAUSE was once tried in one of the western 
 counties which originated in a dispute about a 
 pair of small-clothes. Upon this occasion the judge 
 observed, " that it was the first time he had ever known 
 a suit made out of a pair of breeches." 
 
 Ji 
 
1 62 yESTS, NEW ^ OLD. 
 
 DXCIX. 
 
 THE celebrated comedian Muuden retired from the 
 stage in 1824. The Lambs, Charles and Mary, 
 attended the fai-ewell performances, of which an ac- 
 count is given in the Lamb correspondence. Nearly 
 the only joke which Miss Lamb ever made was ou 
 this occasion, when she observed to her brother : — 
 "Sic transit gloria Mundenf" 
 
 DC. 
 
 WHEN Isaiah Thomas, the printer of Massachusetts, 
 was printing his almanac for the year 1780, one 
 of the boys asked him what he should put opposite 
 the 13th July. Mr. Thomas being engaged, he replied, 
 " Anything, anything." The boy returned to the office, 
 and set, " Rain, hail, and snow." The countiy was 
 all amazement till the day an-ived, when it actually 
 rained, hailed, and snowed violently. From that time 
 Thomas's Almanac was in great demand. 
 
 DCI. 
 
 FRANCIS I. Avas one day playing at tenuis, when a 
 monk, who was playing on his side, by a successful 
 stroke insured the victory to the king's party. " Well 
 done," said the king; " a brave stroke for a monk ! " 
 "Sire," replied the monk, "your Majesty can make it 
 the blow of an Abbe, if you please." Some days after- 
 wards the Abbacy of Bourmayeu became vacant, and 
 the king presented the situation to him. 
 
 DCII. 
 
 FULLER tells a quaint story of himself and a Justice 
 Woodcock, " with whom," saith he, " I one even- 
 ing walked in the fields, when we did hear an owl." 
 " What pretty bird can that be," said he, " is it the 
 nightingale ] " " Nay," saith I, " it is a woodcock." 
 " No," retorteth he sharply, " it is fuller in the head, 
 Julia in the body, and fuller all over." 
 
yESTS, NEW ^r' OLD. 163 
 
 DCIII, 
 
 CHARLES BALLS, the barrister, was plaintiff in a 
 horse cause in Ireland, which was tried by Lord 
 Norbury. As a last resource, the defendant called a Mr. 
 Swift, whose evidence being decisive against him, the 
 judge said, " 1 think you have now lost your cause xoith 
 a witness." 
 
 DCIV. 
 
 TWO girls at Norwich disputing for precedence, one 
 of them, who was the daughter of a wealthy 
 brewer, said to the other, whose father was a poor 
 gentleman, " You are to consider, miss, that my father 
 keeps a caiTiage." " Very true," returned the gentle- 
 man's daughter, *' and you are to consider that he also 
 keeps a dray." 
 
 DCV. 
 
 IN a small party, the subject turning on matrimony, 
 a lady said to her sister, "I wonder, my dear, you 
 have never made a match, I think you want the brim- 
 stone." She replied, " No, not the brimstone, only the 
 spark." 
 
 DCVI. 
 
 IN a certain company, the conversation having fallen 
 on the subject of craniology, and the organ of 
 drunkenness being alluded to among others, a lady 
 suggested that this must be the barrel-organ. 
 
 DCVII. 
 
 SOME gentlemen coming out of a tavern pretty 
 merry, a link-boy cried, " Have a light, gentle- 
 men]" — " Light yourself to the devil, you dog," said 
 one of the company. " Bless you, master," replied the 
 boy, " we can find the way in the dark; shall we light 
 your worship there 1 " 
 
 M 2 
 
1 64 yESTS, NEW Csr OLD. 
 
 DCVIII. 
 
 A MAN, who had been abroad, and who was notorious 
 -^^ for telling falsehoods, was spealdng of a church 
 in Spain, which was a mile and a half long. " Bless 
 my heart," said a person present, " and how broad was 
 it 1 " " About ten yards," said the traveller. Where- 
 upon somebody else remarked, " Well, this is a con- 
 founded lie, but it differs from his other lies, which are 
 generally as broad as tliey are long." 
 
 DCIX. 
 
 ONE of the chosen nation, who was condemned to 
 be hanged, was brought to the gallows, and was 
 just on the point of being turned off, when a reprieve 
 arrived. Moses was informed of this, and it was ex- 
 pected he would instantly have quitted the cart, but 
 he stayed to see his two fellow-prisoners hanged ; and 
 being asked why he did not get about his business, he 
 said, " He waited to see if he could bargain with 
 Maister Ketsch for the two shentlemen's clo'." 
 
 DOX. 
 
 BURKE, in his juvenile days, was extremely fond of 
 private acting. A few of his companions pro- 
 posed that he should play Richmond in Richard the 
 Third ; and having the part given him at a very short 
 notice, he arose betimes one morning, and walked 
 down a lane adjoining his father's house, so intent on 
 studying his part, that he did not perceive a filthy 
 ditch before him, and had just uttered with heroic 
 dignity, " Thus far have we got into the bowels of the 
 land," when he found himself up to his middle in the 
 mire. 
 
 DCXI. 
 
 WHEN the cashier of a great banking institution 
 does me the honour to request my autogi-aph, 
 
JESTS, NEW Q^ OLD. 165 
 
 the idea irresistibly strikes me, how much more valu- 
 able his might be to me, than mine can possibly be to 
 him. 
 
 DCXII. 
 
 THE following lines, were written by G. Coleman, 
 the younger, at the age of seventy-five, on being 
 asked to scribble in Miss Faucit's album : — 
 
 " My muse and I, ere youth and spirit fled. 
 
 Sat up together many a night, no doubt ; 
 But I have sent the poor old lass to bed, 
 Simply because my fire was going out." 
 
 Dcxin, 
 
 AT one of the Holland-house Sunday dinner-parties, 
 Crockford's Club, then forming, was talked of ; 
 and the noble hostess observed, that the female pas- 
 sion for diamonds was surely less ruinous than the rage 
 for play among men. " In short, you think," said 
 Rogers, " that cZ«6s are worse than diamonds." This 
 joke excited a laugh, and when it had subsided, Syd- 
 ney Smith wrote the following impromptu sermonet — 
 most appropriately on a card : — 
 
 Thoughtless that ' all that's brightest fades,' 
 Unmindful of that Knave of Spades, 
 
 The Sexton and his Subs : 
 How foolishly we play our parts ! 
 Our ivives on diamonds set their hearts, 
 
 We set our hearts on clubs. ^ 
 
 DCXIV. 
 
 THEODORE HOOK, in one of the Ramsbotham 
 Letters, mentions an anecdote of Rogers. Rogers, 
 on returniug in the packet from Boulogne, was asked 
 
1 66 y^ESTS, NEW ^^ OLD. 
 
 what -was the name of the shore next to Hastings, and 
 he replied, wittily enough : " Why, Jane Shore, I sup- 
 pose." 
 
 rcxv. 
 
 SHERIDAN, proceeding along the street one morn- 
 ing, in a very unsteady condition, a drunken man. 
 in the kennel begged him to lend him a hand to get 
 up. But the other said, " my — good — fel — low, I can't 
 lift you up, but — I'll — come — and lie down — by the 
 side — of you." 
 
 DCXVI . 
 
 A YORKSHIRE footpad had robbed a Chinese ped- 
 lar. Allan Park, before whom the man was 
 tried, would not allow the celestial to be sworn before 
 he had ascertained his religious opinions. John de- 
 clared he was a Christian, but when asked " where he 
 expected to go after death," replied, " Back to Pekin." 
 The judge, completely upset, said to Mr., afterwards 
 Sir, David Dundas, a member of the bar who was pre- 
 sent, " My dear young friend, you have heard what 
 has happened, pray go over to the other court, and ask 
 my brother Holroyd what I had better do." Dundaa 
 found Holroyd stripped to the waist, sponging and 
 soaping himself all over (the weather being then very 
 hot), before he started on his walk before dinner. 
 '* What," he shouted out from the middle of his basin, 
 " has Park caught a tartar 1 What an ass he must be 
 to hesitate about the matter. Go back and tell him 
 from me that the man's evidence is clearly inadmis- 
 sible." " But, my lord," n.eekly suggested Dundas, 
 " the fellow says he is a Christian." "He a Christian," 
 roared out Holroyd, resuming his ablutions with re- 
 doubled vigour. " He be d d ; he is no more a 
 
 Christian than I am." 
 
yESTS, NEW ^ OLD. 167 
 
 DCXVII. 
 
 1 N a bookseller's catalogue lately, appeared the fol- 
 -*- lowing article : — " Memoirs of Charles the First, 
 ■with a head capitally executed." 
 
 DCXVIII. 
 
 rpWO men, sitting over their wine, after many jokes 
 -■- had been passed, one of them took up a nut, and 
 holding it to his friend, said, " If this nut could speak, 
 what would it sayV "Why," rejoined the other, 
 " it would say, give me none of your jaw." 
 
 DCXIX. 
 
 rpWO officers who were friends, but had not met for 
 -■- some time, volunteered, each unknown to the 
 other, for the Ashautee War. To their mutual sur- 
 prise they stumbled across one another at Cape Coast 
 Castle, whereupon the following dialogue ensued : — 
 A.: "Holloa! Why B., who on earth woiild ever 
 have dreamt of meeting you here 1 You don't mean 
 to say you've volunteered ] " — B. : " Well, yea, I have. 
 You see, I've no wife and family, and I like war. But 
 what in the name of wonder brings you here 1 " — A. : 
 " Well you see, I have a wife and family, and I like — 
 peace ! " 
 
 G 
 
 DCXX. 
 
 W got a name for changing his re- 
 ligion. His wife was once asked how he was — 
 " Well, you know," said she, " it is most distressing, 
 for one never knows when one may go to bed with a 
 Protestant, and wake \ip in the morning by the side 
 of a Roman Catholic." 
 
 DCXXI. 
 
 ELLENBOROUGH being on the l-»ench at Nisi Privs, 
 a witness, in a blue coat and gilt buttons, stepped 
 
1 68 JESTS, NEW dr' OLD. 
 
 into the witness-box, but when the New Testament 
 was put into his hand, he refused to be sworn. " Why- 
 do you object to take the oath, sir 1 " asked the gruff 
 Chief-Justice. " Beca se I am. one of the Society of 
 Friends," was the mild answer. " Then, sir," said the 
 Chief-Justice, with loud emphasis, " if you are a Qua- 
 ker, why do you come here in the disguise of a rational 
 man 1 " — J. P. Collier's Diary, part 3, p. 67. 
 
 DCXXII. 
 
 A MINIATURE-PAINTER, upon his cross-examina- 
 tion by Curran, was made to confess that he had 
 carried his improper freedoms with a particular lady 
 so far as to attempt to put his arm round her waist. 
 " Then, sir," said the counsel, " I suppose you took 
 that waist {waste) for a common.^' 
 
 DOXXIII. 
 
 AT a public meeting, which Mr. S. C. Hall attended 
 many years ago, he recognized a person present 
 without identifying him. He went up to him, and 
 pleasantly observed, " I think, sir, I should know your 
 face 1 " But he was on financial grounds a good deal 
 disconcerted on the discovery of the stranger — for it 
 ■was his tailor. 
 
 DCXXIV. 
 
 THE prestige of the Devil has of late declined, but 
 it was formerly very wide and equally potent. A 
 dying sailor on ship-board, who had not been worth 
 the cost of his clothes, was consoled and encouraged by 
 the assui'ances of the chaplain. " !" said the latter, 
 " be of good heart. God will be good and merciful to 
 you." " Yes," returned Jack, " 'tis not he I am a 
 thinking o f, but that other ■ chap." 
 
JESTS, NEW &-' OLD. 169 
 
 PCXXV. 
 
 AN illustration of the absurd manner in which quo- 
 tations are misapplied, occurred in the case of a 
 seaman, who was laid down to be flogged. He folded 
 his hands before him, casting up his eyes, cried, "Man 
 is born to trouble, — and the sparks fly up'ard." 
 
 DCXXVI. 
 
 AT the time at Wilberfoi-ce was in the zenith of his 
 fame as a philanthropist and a man of the most 
 staid character, the watch found some one, late at night, 
 helplessly prostrate in the gutter. " Come, get up," 
 said the watch, " who are you % " " I-shs Mr. Wil-ber- 
 force," hiccupped out Sheridan, 
 
 DCXXVTI. 
 
 MR. REGISTRAR HAZLITT and his collegue, Mr. 
 Roche, were invited by the late Lord Chancellor 
 Campbell, to dine with him at Knightsbridge. Mr. 
 Hazlitt arrived first, and was ushered into an empty 
 drawing-room, Campbell not having come down. Rode 
 followed, and entering the large room where he dimly 
 saw an individual at the other end, bowed, taking 
 Hazlitt to be the Chancellor. Hazlitt, who was also 
 very short-sighted, bowed to Roche, taking him to be 
 the same ; and until they got nearer to each other, 
 they did not discover that both had been saluting the 
 wrong person. 
 
 DCXXVIII. 
 
 THE same learned gentleman, having received from 
 two correspondents invitations to dinner and to an 
 investment in a company, put the replies into the wrong 
 envelopes, and surprised his friend, who had asked 
 him to dine with him, by coldly informing him that 
 he declined to take any shares in his speculation ; and 
 
lyo JESTS, lYEW a- OLD. 
 
 the party, who had solicited his support for his new 
 undertaking, equally, so by expressing the pleasure it 
 would afford him to come on the day stated. 
 
 DCXXIX. 
 
 AT one of the meetings of Our Cluh, to which Doug- 
 las Jerrold belonged, two gentlemen of opposite 
 political views, happened to meet, and to enter on 
 an argument as to the comparative merits of the 
 Houses of Stuart and Orange. Their excitement 
 reached such a height, that the Jacobite rose, and 
 exclaimed, " I say, sir, that William III. was a great 
 rascal, and I spit upon his memory ! " The other con- 
 troversialist, when his friend had resumed his chair, got 
 up in his turn, and S'^id, "And I say, sir, that James 
 II. was a great rascal, and I spit upon his memory ! " 
 Jerrold asked some one to ring the bell ; and when 
 the waiter appeared, " Spittoons for two," quoth he. 
 
 DCXXX. 
 
 A WELL-KNOWN London bookseller, who had 
 sold a quantity of books to an empty-headed 
 nouveau riche, was told by an acquaintance that he 
 should call himself, also, an upholsterer, as (at all 
 events), in that instance he furnished the buyer's roowt 
 but not his head. 
 
 DOXXXI. 
 
 A GENUINE specimen of the genus Cockney told a 
 friend that he was going to Margate for a change 
 of /iair ; " you had better," said the other, " go to a 
 xvig -maker' s shop." 
 
 DCXXXII. 
 
 WHEN George Daniel of Canonbuiy, the book and 
 print collector, went to look over the curiosities 
 of the elder Matthews, at Highgate, almost every time 
 
JESTS, NEW ^-^ OLD. 171 
 
 the actor shewed him (as he thought), some unique 
 volume, the enquiring Daniel cried out : " Ay, ay, very 
 rare, very valuable, — but I've a duplicate of it in my 
 library." At last, Matthews, getting out of patience, 
 exclaimed, " Why, d — n ye, you've got a duplicate of 
 everything I have except my lame leg — I wish you'd 
 one of that ! " 
 
 DCXXXIII. 
 
 IT was said, in Lord Harbury's hearing, that Byron 
 called his abusers dogs ; to which Harbury re- 
 plied, " No doubt he wished their censures cur-tailed." 
 
 DCXXXIV. 
 
 THACKERAY was fond of telling the story of two 
 men relating their adventures. One of them had 
 told his companion something as having happened to 
 him, which was extremely improbable ; the other cap- 
 ped it by a statement still more outrageous. " What a 
 liar you must be. Jack," said his friend, to which he 
 replied, " Well, we are telling lies, aren't we % " 
 
 DCXXXV. 
 
 R. FULLER requested one of his companions to 
 write an epitaph for him, and received the fol- 
 lowing : — 
 
 " Here lies Fuller's earth." 
 
 D 
 
 DCXXXVI. 
 
 WHEN Dr. Johnson courted Mrs. Porter, he told 
 her he was of mean extraction, he had no 
 money, and that he had had an uncle hanged ; the 
 lady, in order to place herself on an equality with the 
 Doctor, replied, that she had no more money than 
 himself, and that, although she had not had an uncle 
 hanged, she had fifty relatives, at least, who desei-ved 
 hanging. 
 
172 JESTS, NEW 6- OLD. 
 
 DCXXXVII. 
 
 AN Editor of an out-west newspaper apologised for 
 the non-appearance of his paper at the regular 
 time of publication, by saying that he was engaged 
 during that day in Cow-hiding another editor who had 
 slandered him, and didn't get through the job in time 
 to get on with his paper. 
 
 DCXXXVIII. 
 
 MADAM Vestris once, having an appointment with 
 a black man, sent a youth to seek for him, but 
 he shortly returned, saying he could find him no- 
 where ; " You can never have looked for him," said 
 the enraged Vestris, " he is only in the street." 
 "Then," replied the lad, "no wonder I missed him, 
 being a black man, I had no chance of seeing him in 
 the dark." 
 
 DCXXXIX. 
 
 D'ORSAY, in remarking on a beauty-speck on the 
 cheek of Lady Southampton, compared it to a 
 gem on a rose-leaf. " The compliment is far-fetched," 
 observed her ladyship. " How can that be," rejoined 
 the Count, " when it is made on the spot?" 
 
 DCXL. 
 
 TWO ladies, sisters, of whom one was a widow and 
 the other with a husband still living in India, 
 called at a house, and on the former leaving, a gentle- 
 man offered to escort her to her carriage. But the 
 sisters resembled each other so much, that he 
 mistook the widow for the married one, and when 
 she remarked to him, on the way to the door, 
 how very hot it was, he replied, " Yes, but not so hot 
 as where your husband is ! " 
 
 Finis. 
 
ON THE LIFE AND WRITINGS OF MR. 
 JOSEPH MILLER, COMEDIAN. 
 
 THE name of Joseph (more succinctly and familiarly 
 Joe) Miller brings back before us, life-size, the 
 face of an honest, grave, respectable, taciturn English 
 comedian, in hat and wig of the period {Georgia 
 Seaindo Gloriosissimo Regnante). Not one of the 
 light-heeled play-acting crew, but a performer who 
 trod the boards of Dniry heavily, in Colley Gibber's 
 day, with a proper sense of the sobrieties and gi'avities 
 of broad comic life. 
 
 The want of family papers is one to be lamented in 
 the conduct of many biographical inquiries of the 
 highest moment, and perhaps no more striliing instance 
 could be found of the loss posterity has suffered under 
 this head than the case of the late Mr. Joseph Miller. 
 The materials for this biography are so distressingly 
 slight, that Miller lives for us only in a few straggling 
 and insulated facts. We know nearly as little of him as 
 Mr. Steevens knew of William Shakespeare, of Strat- 
 ford-on-Avon ; though not quite so little. We have 
 plays by Mr. Shakespeare, and if we have none by 
 Mr. Miller, we have play-bills, and the book which 
 passes current as Joe Miller's Jests. This book is 
 itself a joke. As there are notorious wits, so there 
 are men notorious for never having made a joke them- 
 selves, nor seen the point of another man's joke, in 
 their lives. Mr. Miller, a man of social habits, fond 
 of company, of tobacco, and of good cheer, seldom 
 spoke, and never laughed In the scale of literary 
 attributes, his abilities pointed to zero ; for he could 
 
174 ON LIFE &* WRITINGS OF 
 
 neither read nor write, and he lesirned the parts with 
 which he adorned the stage orally, his wife proving 
 hei'self the better half by reading them to him. Yet 
 he held a good place among such sterling theatrical 
 geniuses of the pre-Garrick school as Barton Booth, 
 Wilkes, Dogget, Gibber, Norris; Penkethman, Spiller, 
 and othei-s, immortalised in the Tatler and Spectator, 
 and while Sir Richard Steele was one of the royal 
 patentees. He filled, with general applause, the parts 
 of Clodpole in the " Amorous Widow," and Ben in 
 " Love for Love." In the *' King and the Miller of 
 Mansfield," the Miller was appropriately performed by 
 Mr. Miller. But his supreme effort, suiting as it did 
 his natural bent, was Trim in Steel's " Funeral ; or, 
 Grief a la Mode." 
 
 Mark what happened in the year 1738, and in the 
 month of August. Mr. Miller died, leaving a widow ! 
 The question was, what was to become of her 1 Such 
 questions will arise when tangible estate dies with 
 the owner. In this case, however, the departed left a 
 name, and an acute publisher found the answer in that 
 name. 
 
 This was an epoch when the public had a sweet 
 tooth for dead players' jokes. Consequently, dead 
 players' jokes were the only articles of this special 
 description worth paper and print ; singular as it may 
 appear, no man, unless perchance he was a dead player, 
 joked in those days. If we might take certain title 
 pages upon trust, these dead players were a marvel- 
 lously mercurial race, making, during their whole lives' 
 time, hoards of the primest fun, and not letting a 
 soul have the faintest inkling of it until they were fairly 
 under ground. Of these jest-books, previously put 
 out by the hearse-load, none were so popular as Spil- 
 lor's Jests and Pinkethman's (elliptically, Pinkey's) 
 Jests. 
 
MR. JOSEPH MILLER, C0MEDL4N. 175 
 
 What was mortal of Mr. Miller, had been placed 
 under a stone in St. Clement's Churchyard, Portugal 
 Street. We proceed with the story of hia less perish- 
 able part — his name. 
 
 There was then established in Dogwell Court, 
 Whitefriars, a bookseller and stationer, named Read ; 
 a person of a shrewd and speculative turn of mind. Mr. 
 Read was what we call, not a first-class publisher, yet 
 a pushing man, most valuable to literary gentlefolks- 
 eiTant who were in want of occasional jobs, or in 
 possession, by some rare piece of good fortune, of an 
 idea calculated to put small sums of money into their 
 own pockets, and large sums into Mr. Read's. 
 
 Whether Mr. Read himself originated the notion 
 that there was a good deal in Mr. Miller's name quasi 
 Dead Player, and spake on the subject to a gentleman 
 whom he believed able to assist him ; or whether it 
 was the gentleman who took the bold initiative, is 
 not now ascertainable. At any rate, enter Mr. Mottley. 
 Mr. Mottley had seen better days, and was just then 
 seeing very bad days. It had lately gone worse and 
 worse with him. 
 
 Mr. John Mottley — a real name and not a practical 
 joke — was only son and heir of John Mottley, lieute- 
 nant-colonel in the service of his Sacred Majesty King 
 James the Second, and afterwards commandant of a 
 regiment in that of the most Christian monarch, Louis 
 the Fourteenth, recommended for the post by his 
 Sacred Majesty James, who had retired from business 
 to St. Germains, and referred persons applying for 
 situations elsewhere. The colonel was unlucky enough 
 to be killed in 1706, at the battle of Turin. 
 
 Young Mottley does not seem, at any period of his 
 life, to have lain under particularly weighty obliga- 
 tions to his father, the favourite of two kings. His 
 mother was no Jacobite, and from the mother's friends, 
 
176 ON LIFE &> WRITINGS OF 
 
 the Guises and Lord Howe, he derived whatever means 
 of support he ever had, independently of hterature. His 
 father was a spendthrift, and he did not very much care 
 whether it was his own money he ran through, or 
 somebodys else's. His mother, a Guise by birth, had a 
 fortune of her own, and his father at his death left her 
 son, Mr. Read's casual acquaintance, a second. The 
 colonel all but dissipated the one, and Mrs. Mottley's 
 debts swallowed up the other. Still, young John had 
 friends, who kept him alive and tolerably well for 
 several years on two splendid promises and one small 
 place in the Excise. Moreover, Lord Halifax, during 
 his lord-treasurership, gave his word to Mottley that he 
 should be a commissioner of wine licenses. The only 
 circumstance which prevented the fulfilment of the 
 promise was that, just before the place was to have 
 been patented to Mottley, somebody else got it. 
 
 John Mottley's next episode was a bit of down-right 
 cruel dealing. In 1720, Mr. Mottley resigned his 
 emoluments in the Excise, on being appointed by Sir 
 Robert Walpole an officer in the Exchequer. He 
 thought he had found smooth water at last. But even 
 when Mr. Mottley had become entitled to draw no 
 more than three days' pay, came the Right Honour- 
 able Sir Robert Walpole's compliments to Mr. Mott- 
 ley, and was exceedingly sorry he should only just 
 have recollected that the place was bespoken for Mr. 
 
 somebody else ! It did not occur to the right 
 
 honourable gentleman that his honour was in any 
 way concerned in providing other employment for 
 Mottley, and the latter was thrown upon the world, 
 simply destitute. 
 
 Bereft of all hope of aid from his own family, abo- 
 minably deluded by ministers, poor John Mottley, 
 broken down in health and spirits, was reduced to the 
 need of earning his bread how he could. He wrote 
 plays, which were not unsuccessful. Of four or so, he 
 
MR. JOSEPH MILLER, COMEDIAN. 177 
 
 was the unassisted author, and he was concerned in 
 others. He sold his talents to the booksellers. He 
 became acquainted with strange associates. His was 
 soon among the familiar faces at the cotfee-houses and 
 other places of entertainment resorted to by the wit 
 and the literati of all grades. 
 
 It seems as if Mottley were to be haunted by that 
 bad genius of his, ill-luck, to his life's end. He had 
 no sooner got into a fair connection with the theatres, 
 than the gout took the use of his right hand away, 
 and thenceforth he was a confirmed valetudinarian. 
 Mottley was in this sad predicament, crippled and half 
 bed-ridden, when one day in 1739, quite early, Mr. 
 Read, of Dogwell Court, called on hira touching a little 
 literary business. It was thought that it would be a 
 profitable jest to gather together all the good things 
 about town, put them into a shilling book, and make 
 the late Joe Miller, notoriously as impervious to a joke 
 as a Quaker, its foster-father. Mottley would have 
 been a name of names for the title-page, one would have 
 fancied ; but Mr. Read held diff'erently. Mottley was 
 not a dead playei', and Miller was. People who knew 
 anything, knew that the late Mr. Miller was one of 
 the dullest dogs that ever sipped ale out of a black- 
 jack; and when they saw with their own bodily eyes Joe 
 Miller's Jests on every stall, what a merry sensation 
 there would be in all the old actor's old haunts about 
 Drury Lane, and what a stir among the mighty but- 
 chers of Clare Market, who would spare a shilling, 
 every butcher of them, to see what it could all mean. 
 Mottley even sank his name, assuming that of Mr. 
 Miller's " lamentable friend and former companion," 
 Elijah Jenkins, Esq. 
 
 Anyhow it was a bouncing shilling's worth, and Mr. 
 Read cleared a very handsome profit. Let us hope 
 that Mr. Read did not forget the widow. The title- 
 page runs thus : — 
 
178 ON LIFE &^ WRITINGS OF 
 
 "Joe Miller's JeUs ; or the Wit's Vade-Mecum. 
 Being a Collection of the Most Brilliant Jests ; the 
 Politest Reparteed ; the most elegant Bon-Mots, and 
 most pleasant short Stories in the English Language. 
 " First carefully collected in the Company, and 
 many of them transcribed from the Mouth of the 
 Facetious Gentleman whose Name they bear ; and 
 now set forth and published by his lamentable friend 
 and former companion, Elijah Jenkins, Esq. 
 " Most Humbly Inscribed 
 To tJujse Choice Spirits of the Age, 
 Captain Bodens, Mr. Alexander Pope, 
 Mr. Professor Lacy, Mr. Orator Henley, 
 and Job Baker, the Kettle-Drummer, 
 London : 
 Printed and Sold by T. Read, in Dogwell Court, 
 White Fryars, Fleet Street, mdccxxxix. 
 (Price One Shilling.) 
 So there was laughter all round in the jubilee year 
 1739, when "Joe Miller's Jests; or, the Wit's Vade- 
 Mecum " came from Mr, T. Read's Printing and Pub- 
 lishing Office, Dogwell Court, Whitefriars, Price One 
 Shilling. 
 
 The public laughed, as those laugh who love good 
 jokes, brimming measm-e ; and Mr. T. Read laughed, 
 as those laugh who win. For, in the soberest serious- 
 ness, we take it that he went shares with Mottley and 
 the widow, much in the same manner as the lion in 
 the fable goes shares with the ass. 
 
 The jokes about town in that immediate period 
 embraced an extraordinarily wide range, and the pseudo- 
 Jenkins collection abounds in illustrations of those 
 minuter traits of character, which lend us, coming 
 afterwards, such an insight into the men. Here we 
 are presented with the choicest memorabilia possible 
 concerning King Charles the Second, of ever-worshipful 
 remembrance ; Mr. Gun Jones ; Sir Richard Steel'' 
 
MR. JOSEPH MILLER, COMEDIAN. 179 
 
 the Duchess of Portsmouth ; a Country Clergyman ; 
 
 Mrs. C m ; Sir William Davenant ; Ben Joason ; 
 
 two Free-thinking Authors; A Very Modest Young Gen- 
 tleman from the County of Tipperary ; Lord R. ; Tom 
 Burnet ; Henry the Fourth of France ; the Emperor 
 Tiberius, and others too numerous to reheai-se. 
 
 But — and this has been hitherto a secret among 
 these gems of wit and humour — there crept in un- 
 awares two items which breathe an abnormally 
 Christian and reflective spirit, and which we learn, from 
 sources inaccessible to the editor of 1739, were Mr. 
 Miller's own composition. We must go to the works of 
 some men, if we wish to understand their true dispo- 
 sitions and temperaments. Let us, for this purpose, 
 go to the works of Mr. Miller — luminous, though 
 not voluminous. The first is moral, the second phi- 
 losophical. To begin with the moral (instead of 
 ending with it) : — 
 
 " Joe Miller sitting one day in the window of the 
 Sun Tavern, in Clare Street, a fishwoman and her maid 
 passing by, the woman said, ' Buy my soles, buy my 
 maids !' * Ah, you wicked old creature !' said honest 
 Joe. * What ! Are you not content to sell your own 
 soul, but you would sell your maid's too f " 
 
 If this were really a joke made hibernicS by a man 
 whose intelligence was joke-proof, there would be an 
 end of the jest of imputed authorship ; but it ia 
 nothing of the kind. The horrid cry reached Mr. 
 Miller's ear as a detestable fact, and he prosed it out to 
 his fz'iends with the settled conviction that, under pre- 
 tence of Belling fish, the costerwoman carried on some 
 other traffic. 
 
 This concludes the moral works of Mr. Miller. The 
 philosophical works now commence, and into these the 
 sentimental element has manifestly been infused. 
 
 " It is certainly the most transcendent pleasure to be 
 agreeably surprised with the confession of love from an 
 
I So ON LIFE OF MR. JOE. MILLER. 
 
 adored mistress. A young gentleman, after a very 
 great misfortune, came to his mistress, and told her he 
 was reduced even to the want of five guineas. To 
 which she replied, 'I am glad of it, with all my heart.' 
 ' Are you so, madam 1' adds he, suspecting her con- 
 stancy ; ' pray, why so ? ' ' Because,' said she, ' I can 
 furnish you with five thousand.' 
 
 This ends the Philosophical and Sentimental Works 
 of Mr. Miller, heretofore undiscerniugly printed with 
 all the editions of the bookvulgarly denominated Joe 
 Miller's Jests. 
 
 As to Mr. Mottley, the reduced gentleman and dis- 
 appointed candidate for government patronage, the 
 gout let him live long enough to see many and many 
 an impression of Joe Miller's Jests pass from the book- 
 seller's counter to the always-rightly-appreciating 
 public ; but neither his name nor that of the Widow 
 Miller appeared after 1739, that we can discover, in 
 the credit column of Mr. Read's ledger. The longevity 
 of misfortune and misery was exemplified in Mottley. 
 He kept alive (principally between blankets) till the 
 year of Joe Miller's Jests eleven. In 1750 death took 
 him away. The hand of the harvestman was quickly 
 cold, and almost as quickly his name sank out of 
 recollection. Even the generation of which he was 
 one, forgot him perhaps, notwithstanding the place 
 accorded to him in some of the dictionaries of the 
 time, and among the neat little memoirs which supple- 
 ment Winchope's tragedy of Scanderbeg. If he were 
 remembered, it was as a dramatist chiefly. But Mott- 
 ley 's plays have vanished long since into limbo, and his 
 present and future claim to notice must rest upon his 
 intimate identification with one of the most perma- 
 nently popular books in the English language. 
 
 W. C. H. 
 
INDEX. 
 
 Abernethy, 534. 
 Abingdon, Mrs., 106. 
 Albert, Prince Consort, 167. 
 Argyle, Duke of, 396. 
 Armadale, Lord, 467. 
 Ashurst, Lord, 519. 
 Astley, 104. 
 Ayrton, 185, 309. 
 
 Bacon, 34, 543, 
 
 Balgy, Dr., 112. 
 
 Balls, Sir C, 603. 
 
 Bannister, 89, 541. 
 
 Barham (Fn-goldsbt/) 257. 
 
 Barrington, G., 51. 
 
 Batenian, Lord, 19, 558. 
 
 Beaumont, Sir G., 45, 47. 
 
 Bensley, 300. 
 
 Bentley, R., 86, 174. 
 
 Berkshire Clown, 3. 
 
 Betty, " the young Roscius," 39. 
 
 Black, John, 195. 
 
 Blake, Sir P., 399. 
 
 Blanchard, L., 189. 
 
 Bohn, H. G., 218, 243. 
 
 BraxfieH, 265. 
 
 Brougham, Lord, 523, 529, 562. 
 
 Brougham, Mrs., 578. 
 
 Burgess, Dr.. 82. 
 
 Burgoyne, Sir J., 107. 
 
 Burke, 473, 610. 
 
 Burnet, Bishop, 278. 
 
 Burnet, Tom, 53. 
 
 Burton, R., 169. 
 
 Byron, H. J., 183, 234, 338. 
 
 Byron, Lord, 187. 
 
 Canning, 539. 
 Carlyle, 236, 237. 
 Carmeline, 158. 
 Carnarvon, Lord, 430. 
 Caroline, Queen, 396. 
 Catnach, 190. 
 Charles II., 99, 361, 436, 
 Charles V., 393, 584. ^ 
 Chesterfield, Lord, 360. 
 Churchill, 2, 447. 
 Cleveland, Duchesx, 5. 
 Cleveland, John, 119. 
 Clive, 463, 520. 
 Colbert, 431. 
 Colburn, Lord, 318. 
 Coleridge, 178, 203, 245, 441. 
 Coleridge, Lord, 250. 
 Coluian, 541, 612. 
 Cork, Lady, 517, 535. 
 Cotton, Dr., 118. 
 Crow. Mrs., 130. 
 
I82 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 Crockett, D., 501. 
 Cumberland, Duke of, 516. 
 Cunningham, P., 115, 177. 
 Curran, 124, 426, 486, 622. 
 
 Dale, Dr.. 597. 
 Daniel, George, 632. 
 Daru, Viscount, 108. 
 Derby, Earl of, 15, 150. 
 Devonshire, Duchess, 18. 
 Devonshire, Duke of, and The 
 
 Cobbler, 41. 
 Domiuico, 594. 
 D'Orsay, 639. 
 Drury, Sir D., 310. 
 Dryden, 556. 
 Dublin Car- drivers, 92. 
 Ducrow, 64. 
 Dyce, 315. 
 
 Eldon, Lord, 67, 238, 547, 562. 
 
 Elizabeth, Queen, 263. 
 
 Ellenborough, Lord, 42, 43, 621. 
 
 Elliston, 22. 
 
 Elwes, 362. 
 
 Erasmus, 355. 
 
 Erskine, 131, 132, 462, 554. 
 
 Falmouth, Lord, 223. 
 
 Fancit, Miss, 612. 
 
 Firth, J. B., 197. 
 
 Fletcher, 483. 
 
 Foote, 30, 375, 380, 416, 417, 449, 
 
 487, 489, 492, 550. 
 Forster, John, 189. 
 Fox, Charles, 76, 473. 
 Francis I., 289, 601. 
 Francis, Sir P. , 36. 
 Franklin, Benjamin, 301, 570. 
 Fuller, 602, 635. 
 
 Gainsborough, 6. 
 Gaisford, Major, 227. 
 Galloway, Lord, 567. 
 Garrick, 271, 321, 421, 440, 449, 
 
 469, 536. 
 Garrow, 206. 
 George L, 54. 
 
 George II., 33, 506, 549. 
 Georee III., 19. 20, 341a, 439. 
 George IV,, 343. 
 Gladstone, W. E., 165, 166. 
 Godolphin, Sidney, 241. 
 Goussaut, 290. 
 Grenville, Mr., 153. 
 Grimaldi, Joe, 64. 
 Grose, Capt., 407. 
 
 Haines, Joe, 295. 
 
 Hall, R.. 80. 
 
 Hall, S. C, 129, 623. 
 
 Hamilton, Sir J. S., 569. 
 
 Handel, 545. 
 
 Hanway, Jonas, 418. 
 
 Hardwick, Lord. 525. 
 
 Harlev, 242, 268. 
 
 Hazlitt, W., 188. 
 
 Hazlitt, Mr. Registrar, 230, 239, 
 
 445, 627, 628. 
 Henry IV., of France, 208, 409. 
 Holker, Sir J., 383, 482. 
 Holland, Lady, 36. 
 Hood, Tliomas, 56, 272. 
 Hook, Theodore, 72, 273, 583, 614. 
 Hope, 549. 
 
 Houghton, Lord, 213. 
 Hudson, 198. 
 Hudson, Mrs., 120, 198. 
 Hume, David, 460. 
 Hunt, Leigh, 116, 428. 
 Hutchinson, Healy, 404. 
 Huth, Henry, 175. 
 
 Impey, Sir E., 478. 
 
 Jackson, Dean, 586. 
 
 James J., 142. 
 
 Jerrold, Douglas, 23, 28, 149, 177, 
 
 2a), 223, 246, 254, 256, 269, 312, 
 
 313,337,629. 
 Jessel, Sir G, 221. 
 Johnson, Dr., 38, 98, 374, 377, 
 
 381, 466, 636. 
 Jonson, Ben, 13, 530. 
 
 Kellio, Lord, 88, 527. 
 
INDEX. 
 
 t83 
 
 Kenyon, Lord. 128. 1 
 
 Killi^ew, 148, .592. 
 Knight, Charles, 256. 
 
 Labouchere, 183, 184. 
 
 Lamb, 7, 122, 133, 18.5, 191, 196, 
 
 214, 255, 261, 307, 441, 442, 443, 
 
 574, 599. 
 Tiamb, Miss, 133. ^ 
 Lamb, George, 135. 
 Laud, Archbishop, 429. 
 Law, Bishop, 212. 
 Lytton, Lord, 9. 
 
 Manning, 255. 
 
 Mansfield, Lord, 252, 376. 
 
 Marlborough, Duchess, 419. 
 
 Martineau, Harriet, 454. 
 
 Matthews, C, 632. 
 
 Maynard, Sergeant, 595. 
 
 Melville, Lord, 464. 
 
 Menage, 101. 
 
 Merrywether, 180. 
 
 Miller, Joe, Life and Writings qf, 
 
 page 173. 
 Millicent, Sir J., 576. 
 Milton, 371. 
 Moliere, 146. 
 Monnier, 249. 
 Montesquieu, 71. 
 Moody, 349. 
 Moore, Sir T., 31. 
 Moore, Tom, 296. 
 Moore the Dramatist, 580. 
 Mountain, Dr., 16. 
 Munden, 599. 
 Murphy, 52. 
 
 Napoleon III., 247. 
 Nash, Beau, 283, 286. 
 Newcastle, Duchess of, 81. 
 Norbury, Lord, 486, 687, 633. 
 North, Lord, 468, 
 
 O'Brien, 111. 
 
 Paley, 113. 
 Palmer, J., 503. 
 
 Palmerston, Lord, 233. 
 Panizzi, 153. 
 Parr, Dr., 1. 
 Parry, Captain, 554. 
 Patmore, P. (i., 342. 
 Penn, 500. 
 Pennant, 100, 319. 
 Perry, 134. 
 Peter the Great, 200. 
 Petty, Lord H., 495. 
 Picardv, Farmer in, 1*. 
 Pope. 398. 
 Poulet, Lord, 563. 
 Princess Royal, 94. 
 
 Quin, 416, 423, 451, 452. 
 
 Rabelais, 162. 
 Raglan, Lord, 294. 
 Reach. 313. 
 Reeve, H., 194. 
 Reynolds, 566. 
 Rich, 292. 
 Richard, M.P., 337. 
 Richardson, 75, 548. 
 Robertson, Dr., 69. 
 Robinson, Sir T., 561. 
 Rogers, S., 109, 613, 614. 
 Rose, G., 12, 74. 
 Rothschild, Madame, 224. 
 
 Scarron, 336. 
 Scott, Sir W., 171, 209. 
 Scudari, Md'lle, 160. 
 Seaforth, Lord, 446. 
 Selborne, Lord, 151. 
 Selwyn, 322, 326. 
 Sevigne, Madame, 101. 
 Shelley, 116. 
 Sherbrook, Lord, 138. 
 Sheridan, Tom, 26, 27, 50, 75, 110, 
 130, 163, 193, 403, 460, 615, 626, 
 Shute, R., 168. 
 Shuter, 14, 357. 
 SiddoDs, Mrs., 38,385. 
 Sidney, Algernon, 593. 
 Sinclair, Sir J., 298. 
 Smith, Charlotte, 29. 
 
INDEX. 
 
 Smith, Sidney, 166, 328, 329, 331, 
 
 332, 333, 335, 534, 535, 613. 
 Smithson, Sir Hugh, 141. 
 Smollett, 450. 
 Southampton, Lady, 639. 
 Soutlieni, the Poet, 25. 
 Spry, Dr., 110. 
 Staol, Madam De, 358. 
 Stafford, Marquis of, 198. 
 Stanley, Dean, 204. 
 Sterne, 271. 
 Stillingfleet, 361. 
 Stowell, Lord ,67. 
 Stuteville, Sir M., 507. 
 Sutton, General, 498. 
 Swift, 145, 324. 
 
 Talfourd, 274, 277, 413, 443. 
 Talleyrand, 240. 
 Thackeray, 179, 236. 
 Thomas I., 600. 
 Thoms, W. J., 216. 
 Tilbury, 412. 
 Tooke, Home, 518, 519. 
 Trench, Archbishop, 215. 
 
 Vauxhall Slice, 121. 
 Vestris, Madam, 541, 638. 
 Victoria, Queen, 226. 
 Vivian, Lord, 93. 
 Voltaire, 157. 
 
 Waller 448. 
 
 Walpole, 155, 299, 382, 498. 
 
 Warren, 8. 
 
 Washington, General, 282. 
 
 Watson, Bp., the " Old Cock," 4. 
 
 Weeks, Jack, 287. 
 
 Wellington, Duke of, 82, 210. 
 
 Whitfield, 378. 
 
 Wilberforce, Bishop, 126, 137, 
 
 139, 204, 626. 
 William IV., 203. 
 Williams, Sir C. H., 17. 
 Williams, Sir Roger, 559. 
 Woodford, Dr., 152. 
 Wordsworth, 214. 
 Wyat, Sir T., 136. 
 
 Yates, E., 183. 
 York, Duke of, 163. 
 
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