VYs ^3^ f^. tf vjfur^ ^- -'rfi_ft^js.t:«3tv:jT^^ Anstey Familiar epistle to C. W. Bampfylde, esq. THE LIBRARY OF THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LOS ANGELES FAMILIAR EPISTLE FROM C. ANSTEY, ESC^ T O C. W. B A M P F Y L D E, E S Q^ TRANSLATED AND ADDRESSED TO THE LADIES, LONDON: PRINTED BY H. REYNELL, PICCADILLY, FOR J. ALMON, OPPOSITE BURLINGTON-HOUSE. M DOC LXXVII. [Price ONE SHILLING.] FAMILIAR EPISTLE, 8cc, TF e'er my Mufe indulg'd her fportive theme. On Cam's green margin, or on Avon's flream. To thee, dear Bampfylde, gratefully fhe pays The friendly tribute of her jocund lays. Candour, with polifh'd Arts, 'tis thine to blend, 'Tls mine to love and praife them in my friend. O'er both our fouls a kindred ftar prefides. To ftudies, fports, and joys, cogenial guides, Tfy glowing portraits breathe Promethean fire, With wanton heed / llrike the frolic lyre, A Nor 8S5740 ^3^ t =■ ] Nor 'mldfl: it's merry notes, does Polyliymny Refufe to grace the corner of my chimney ; And, as with lingering fleps age fleals along, She cheers the unwelcome profpeft with a fong, Long may her fifter Mufe infpire thy foul. Long may her powers thy pencils art controul, JVhofe filent eloquence the lyre defies, And fpeaks a vivid language to tlie eyes. With equal ardours, tho' our vows were paid, Still hafl: thou found the more complying maid, And fliewn where ladies favours are the prize,- - Much may depend on wit, hut more on Jize. How flrong thy fertile fancy's power, how true The mimic forms thy ready pencil drew, Ye roofs proclaim, whofe patrons ten times (qvqu. Priz'd and rever'd, as delegates of Heaven, High pi lefts of pleafure's myftic rites, repair, To club for Baiae's weal their pious care. Ye ■ [ 3 ] Ye who to cards and fiddles rear'd die flnine, Where Britain's boail: ! her fludious Tons combine To ply their nightly tafk — here, 'midft the throng Have we too dragg'd the tardy hours along, And gazing wonder'd where the wights were found, Which Bath's kind flar had drawn from countries round, W^hile by cogenial zeal for trifles fway'd, Both old and young, the fiddle's call obey'd, Nor did the gay, grotefque, fantaftic train Invite thy pencil's mimic art in vain. And lo, advancing far before the reft, The travell'd beau exulting rears his creiV, With jacket coat, whofe dipt Ikirts fcarce conceal The filken (hade that flutters round his tail. An ill ftarr'd youth, by adverfe fate defign'd To feel the jarring conflifts of the mind, A 2 For [ 4 ] For when, in Pas dc Rigadon he itches To fliake his heels and {hew his fiiken breeches, Scar'd at his near approach, the dragon aunt Retreats, and eyes the wicked fight afkaunt, While Mifs, with downcall: leer, behind her fan;^ Bluilies and giggles at the naughty man. Caft now thine eye to where the corded round, Referves for tripping feet the hallo w'd ground, There, in the pride of fleps unknown before, Yon eliiili flripling bounds along the floor. Sweating and flraining each diflorted nerve. His fhoulders funk, his arms in fweeping curve. Shaking one leg in air, mean wfille the other In artful balance, wifely props his brother ; His tail too bobs upon his p6-\krder'd poll, As if obedient to the found's controul, A tail, which to his locks tho' iioW ally'd, "Was once (as fame reports) a flallion's pride. A thieviili C 5 ] A lhievin.1 Frenchman view'd with longing eyes The tempthig fpoil, and foon the maflive prize Deck'd and opprefs'd his pigmy patron's back. Which bow'd unequal to the weighty pack. But when the beauteous nymphs my \-erfe demand, Or gentler touches of thy mimic hand ; The mufe, aghaft ! declines the mighty fong. And tho' a kdy, trufts not to her tongue : For fhould a bard, tho' Phoebus lent him brains, To female caprice dedicate his firains. To ever changing fbr¥ns which fight deceive,. Like motes quick glancing on the beam of eve. To robes arid pluiiles oiF all the tint s that glow On Flora's banks, or Iris' painted bow, Alas ! the youth like Icarus mull fiiik. And mourn his raftmefs in a fea of ink. Mark but their cloud-capt heads, with fleeples v}'ing. The bafe reflraints of coach and chair defying. With [ 6 ] with painted plumes all waving as they ^o, Nodding difmay to little folks helow : Mark too, to make the fliuttle-cock complete, The cork afiumes a more ignoble feat ; What then fliould keep them from their native fki In flights beyond the ken of mortal eyes ? What but for us (all angels as they arc) Some friendly powers confpire to keep them here .; Pads, pins, pomatum, club their weight together, And counterpoife the flight of cork and feather. Here too, (left all thofe friendly aids Ihould fail To check the afpiring pride of head and tail) Clowns with their cows and calves all feem to flare And wonder how the devil they got there, The wife's and virgin's joy, the matron's pride Fields, trees, and cottages triumphant ride, Twin'd in the greafy ringlets of the hair, Medufa too might view her head-drefs there, Great C 7 ] Great Cybele her vanquifh'd crefl deplore, And boaft her of her tower-capt head no more. Go then, blefi: youth, and fwell love's votive train, Go, heave the gentle figh, nor figh in vain, And feek' with hafty fteps that happier fhor.e, Where Hymen mourns his Injur'd rites no more But fees on altars pure the flame arife, Which laws unjufl: controul fecure defies, Leave fear and thought behind, fly, quick, begone, Nor wait the coming of to-morrow's fun -, Nor, tho' th€ angry fire indignant views The deed, tho' ftill his griping hands refufe The welcome pelf, do thou for fordid gain With cold negle£t the genial bed profane, . But leave to one of Ifrael's bearded race The gloomy fcowling of tlie Shylock face, Who [ 8 ] Who damns with fullen leer the fmoaking board, With fwinifli hams and bloody puddings ftor'd, But ftill in petto keeps his bittereft curfe, For lofs of cent per cent and empty purfe. Thus when at Jonathan's tlie hated light Of morn, to reckoning calls the loiing wight, (A morn more dreaded than that laft great day When bulls and bears muft all their reck'ning pay) With one emphatic curfe to hell he fends, Scrips, confols, bonds, jews, chridians, foes, and friends. But thou, who fpurn'll: all groveling thoughts, whofe foul The fordid luft of gain could ne'er controul. Bid to the gods thy grateful incenfe rife, E'er yet the' honey-moon its light denies, Confcious that vows of gratitude delay'd For bounteous heaven's behefts are feldom paid, jind tho to deary s f!?are light coffers fall. Look at her bead and thou It forget it all, A tow'ring C 9 ] A tow'ring creft, of which the cheering fight Will make e'en Hymen's dreaded lliackles hght ; For fliould the Fair one, plung'd in ton and tafte, Thy guineas lavifli and thine acres wafte, Should chariots, horfcs, pi6iures, jewels, all Before great Pani, Loo's mighty tyrant, fall, Nor thou, with fighs thy fad mifchance deplore. One pawn, one glorious pawn fhaW all reftore. And plenty from her lavifh horn iliall ihed Once more her golden IhowVs upon thine head : More would my mufe, but prudence checks her fong, And hints the dangers of too bold a tongue. Nor when my merry ftrains your hours beguile, Do you, chafte fair ones, deem your poet's fmile A cynic fneer ; and fhould fome wight tranfpofe To Englilh rhymes my lays, for Belles and Beaus, Nor ye of venom -pointed flights accufe The random arrows of my carelefs mufe, B But [ 10 ] But ftill with generous care my ftrains defend, And know your poet for your guide and friend. Oft have I fcen, and forely griev'd to fee, The raw, gay, giddy lafs too foon fet free, Proud that (e'er yet flie counts her Sixteenth year) Mamma no more controuls her wild career. To ruin's brink with eager hafte fhe ftrays, No parent's hand her trembhng feet to raife ; There lurk a race her footfteps to betray, And feize with favage joy their guilelefs prey. For them nor love nor Hymen lights his fires. Foes to connubial joys and chalte deiires ; Or when the generous pangs of love they feign, 'Tis but to mock the wretched damfel's pain ; To beauty callous, gold alone controuls The felfiili bias ot their fordid fouls, Or, [ " .1 Or, if by chance, caprice, or mammon led, With traniports feign d, one prefs the genial bed, He chides the tardy hours, and fv^ears that fate Has balk'd his hopes with an immortal mate. How ihall the Mufe her honefl rage ref train. When tottering age fteps forth and join^ the train ; A worn-out beau, who ftill the call obeys, • Where youth and love their feftive ftandards raife : As 'mid the feather'd tribe the bird of night Infefts with omens fad their airy flight, By long experience taught the wily art. To read the paffions, and unfold the heart, An ever placid, ever fimpering face, A tongue, which blunt, harlli truths did ne'er difgrace, Difdaining vulgar tales, a tide he pours, Of Lords, Caflratos, Fidi^^rs, Pimps, and Whores, B 2 Now Kow fawning on a peer, with fervile pride, Now dangling, like her watch, at Chloe's fide. Nor (farther yet fhoukl curious ftrangers pry) Shall Johnny Weevil e'er his name deny. For Johnny, like the -'worm, (e'er funs difclofe The bluiliing beauties of the budding rofe) With blighting touch rhe infant flower deflroys, And robs the fummer of its promised joys. If bathing, tumblers, auctions, apes, or players, Nev/ fidlers, methodifts, or dancing bears. The learned dog (or what more wonderous fight, Bath yield with rnonfters teeming) fliouW invite The Nymph abroad, lo Johnny cringing flands, A Tool obfequious for the Maid's commands, But if by chance a dancing rage he feels, And trufts, ralh dotard, to his ears and heels, * The Weevil Worm. On [ 13 ] On light fantaftic toe the damfel tripping, Thro' many a mazy circle nimbly fkipping, Sees Johnny every nerve and mufcle ftrain, To trip with equal fleps, and toil in vain. In vain his hand he iliakes, in vain he begs With earnefl nods, fome refpite for his legs • No reft he knows, 'till halting in the middle. He damns to hell pipe, tabor, flute, and fiddle. As by a maftifF, when a hare is ipy'd Securely frifking near a copfe's fide, His ears eredl, the cur begins the chace, Urging with eager rage his tardy pace, 'Thrown out at length, he halts upon the plain. And pants, and gafps, and foams, and barks in vain. Thus panting, thus complaining, Johnny feels How ill gay frolics fuit with gouty heels ; Freed from the unequal conteft of the dance. He fmirks and leers with many a gloting glance, With [ 14 ] With looks complacent now he greets the fair, And now his gentle mien and graceful air. While many a threadbare jcO, and many a tale With flander big, the virgin's ears aifail. ^he with a fmile, his fulfome tongue repays And glibly fwallows even Johnny's praife, Expos'd to view her fwelling bofom's pride, Save what a net-work fliade affedls to hide ; Courting the glance of beaus with arnis compreft. She flyly fwells the hea\'en of her breaft, Which heaves, as if the orbs indignant bore The bafe confinement of her Jupe au corps, Nor heeds the miflcs fpite, nor dreads the lay Which I might fing, nor what her Aunt may fay. Two tyrant powers, each female bread obeys, The rage of fafliion and the luft of praife. Hence C IS ] Hence (like the flreamers which a top -maft bears) Long dangUng ribbands flutter round their ears. Say then, is virgin innocence exprefl: By heads in tawdry colours idly drcft ? Quit thefe ye nymphs, and let fuch marks defcribe The wretched flflers of the wanton tribe, Who once to man's deluiive arts a prey, Have learn'd in turn to ruin and betray. Health's crimfon glow no more is theirs, no more The fun ihine of the breafl fliall peace reftore, Their fates the Graces mourn, nor fliall the Mufe The willing tribute of a tear refufe. As when the wind in eddies whi.ling round, Lifts up light llraws and feathers from the ground ; So Pleafure's whirlpools, balls, drums, routs and plays, Whiik the nymph round in fuch a giddy maze, That [ i<5 ] That Nature finks, Difeafe confumes her frame, And Life's dim lamp fcarcc yields a glimmering flame, A feeble call to pleafure yet remains, The languid blood flow creeping thro' her veins, Hyllerlcs, falntings, head-achs, gafping breath, And all the ghaftly family of death Their viiStlm urge.-— Fly quick, the doftors call, Full Bottoms, Bags, Licentiates, Quacks and all. But fee they come — fage fons of Pzean hail ! In clofe array the flubborn foe aflaij, On this flde plant a battery of glyflers, Here gall his flank with cataplafms and bliflicrs, Force through his trenches with a flrong cathartic, And pour in vomits, till you make his heart ach ; Now draw your lancets, cut thro' thick and thin, Hack, flafli the veins and fcarify the Ikin, Sing 16 Pcean — fee the foe is flying ! But ah fee too the wretched maid is dying, She C 17 ] ■ She droops her languid head, and flrange to fay, By triumphs loll, to vidories a prey. As Tobit chas'd the devil by a ftink, One hope remains e'er yet tlie damfel fink, Try then this lafl refource — a charm prepare Teeming with * ^ix^^fuhlhne^ ftrong, rich and rare. Of dung of peacocks take a pan-full, Of foot and hog-lice each a handful, The fcrapings off a blifter-plafter, Urine a quart, cum teftic: caftor: With rotten cabbages afliflance, To give the charm a due confidence. Ye too, whofe f mottos thro' the world proclaim Your patron deity and healing fame, * Mr, Burke, in his celebrated treatife, makes a,>ftink to be one of the fources of the I'ublime. f Opiferque per orbem dicor. C To L" »8 ] To -whom Apollo gave the two-fold fkill To trace the malady, and— -gild the pill. Firft ftir the hodge-podge, then with nods profound. Summon to fiige debate the Nurfes round, But that your fpeech be energetic, mark Your words, like Delphic Oracles, be dark ; Enghfh on Greek, with French on Latin grounded^ A jargon wild, confufion worfe confounded* Shameful to tell, the Foe eludes the {kill Of all who gild the palm, or gild the pill ; Nor ought avail, ftinks, boluiTes, or blifters, Hard words, great vvigs, wram draughts, or cooling glyfters,, Her bloom, her health, her ftrength for ever loft, The ruling paflion ftill maintains its poft. Dodlors, avaunt! exclaims the nymph, " I'll try ** Cnce more my trembhng legs, I dance or die : Your [ '9 ] *' Your drugs and cant no longer I'll endure, " 'That caus'd my pain, from that I'll feek my cure ; *' I feel my breaft infpir'd, 'tis nature's call, *' Whxh bids me phyfic quit, and try— a Ball." His tafk once more the Frifeur re-afTames, Once more her head exults in nodding plumes. When builders raife the pile, fupports they place In due degrees, the flrongeft at the bafe ; Ladies invert the rule, with them the top Is always higheft, with the weakeft prop. How have I feen, 'midfl greafe and powder thick, Leeks, carrots, radilh^es and onions ftick. Burthens which even gard'ners wives would dread, The nymph for pleafure bears upon her head j On others flarubs and flowers rang'd, in order, Prefent the pid:ure of a garden border : C 2 Perhaps Perhaps, (but oh chafte fliades of matrons rife. From fights impure as thefe protc6l our eyes,) Some nymph of To//, defpifing vulgar fame, Will deck her head with what — I blufa to name. * But hark ! I hear a voice Indignant fay, '* From Granta's fliores what Demon bade thee flray ? *' (Boctian fliores ! which fkirt thy native bogs, *' Where once thou fung'ft in unifon with frogs,) " To trefpafs on the Graces bleft abodes, *' With fplayfoot latires, or more fplayfoot odes. ** What God ? what Devil could thy bread infpire ? *' To re-alTume thy long forfaken lyre, " Thy Latin lyre, which many a year had hung *' A mute forlorn, neglefted and unftrung. * All the lines in the original which referred to the etchings, and which were for the moft part aanflaiions from the Eleftion Ball, are here omitted. *< Was y [ 21 ] *' Was it ? that Ihelter'cl In a tongue unknown, " Thy Mufe her fliafts fecurely might have thrown, *' To wound, with impious hand, the lacred fame " Of youths and maids, who fport on Avon's flream, *^ Are Avon's banks, for which bright Venus leaves " The beauteous Ifles v/hich crown the ^gean waves^ *' Fit themes for jefts profane ? Say has not fate *' To thee afllgi^d an undeferv'd retreat ?■ *' Where the proud Crefcent mocks the dog-ftar's ray,. '* Cool as a grot amid the blaze of day, "• And while the wintry blaih the fkies deform,, "' In folid ftrength fecure, defies the ftorm. ** There, tho' no '■■ Cabbage Garden greet thine eycj, " Nor onion's favory roots their fweets fupply,, *' Yet do thy grateful noftrds oft exhale " A tranfient vapour Irom the ambrofial gale,, * See Ode to Sir Peter Rivers Gay. « Wafted [ 12 ] " Wafted from heads which breathe a thoufaad odours " From flowers, pomatums, flirubs and fcented powders, '* Heads worthy of a nobler Poet's fong, " Nor furnifh'd lefs with feather than with tongue. ' « Wiien erft m times of early Greece *tis faid " Amphion's hands the trembling chords obey'd, *' Rocks, caftles, columns, to the tune advancing, ** Then oryavifj forgot and fell to dancing, " Here fliould Amphion try the moving found, " Thy columns, crefcent, ftlll would keep their ground, *' Their ruftic bafes firm in mafli\'e pride " Had Sampfon's or an earthquake's force defy'd, " But what the magic lyre or Sampfon's arm *' In vain had try'd, the ftill more magic charm *' Of Lawyer's tongues triumphantly had fhewn, *' The mafs to move was thelr's and their's alone. (C But C *3 ] « But tho' Sophia's ft reams thy vcife mfplre, " Or warmer draughts thy glowing fancy fire, " To BaiVs fon's fubllmer Arains belong '' "Whofe virtues foar far £ir above thy long. '« To Cecrops once two Deities decreed " Aufplcious gifts ! an Olive and a Steed, " Pledges that Athens' envied ftate fliould rife " In arts and arms the darling of the Ikles^ " Had he in happier days obey'd the hog « Which led King Bladud to the teeming bog,. «^< There had he feen what joys life's toils relieve ** From eve to morn from morn to deivy eve,. «* A never clopng fcene, Pla)^s, Prayers, Doftors, " Spruce Biihops, fighting Chancellors and Proftors, " Proud Athens' boafts, the fteed and olive fprig « Had bow'd to Bais's fprings and Bladud's pig.