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 OF CALIFORNIA 
 
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 ARTEMUS 
 
 WARD'S 
 
 LZCT7ZZ 
 
 ON THE MORMONS 
 
 WITH THIRTY-TWO ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 51 out) on 
 CHATTO AND WINDUS, PICCADILLY 
 
2 Cheap Editions of Popular Novels. 
 
 BY BUTTON COOK. 
 
 Leo. 
 
 BY MRS. ANNIE EDWARDES. 
 A Point of Honour. I Archie Loveil. 
 
 BY M. BETHAM-EDWARDS. 
 
 Felicia. 
 BY EDWARD EGGLESTON. 
 
 Roxy. 
 
 BY PERCY FITZGERALD. 
 
 Bella Donna. I The Second Mrs. Tillotf 
 
 Never Forgotten. Polly. 
 
 Seventy-five Brooke Street. 
 
 BY ALBANY DE FONBLANQUE. 
 
 Filthy Lucre. 
 BY R. E. FRANCILLON. 
 
 Olympia. I Queen Cophatua. 
 
 BY EDWARD GARRETT. 
 The Capel Girls. 
 
 BY CHARLES GIBBON. 
 
 The Dead Heart. 
 In Love and War. 
 For the King. 
 Queen of the Meadov 
 
 Robin Gray. 
 
 For Lack of Gold. 
 
 What will the World Say? 
 
 In Honour Bound. 
 
 In Pastures Green. 
 
 BY JAMES GREENWOOD. 
 Dick Temple. 
 
 BY ANDREW HALLIDAY. 
 
 Every-Day Papers. 
 
 BY LADY DUFFUS HARDY. 
 
 Paul Wynter's Sacrifice. 
 
 BY THOMAS HARDY. 
 
 Under the Greenwood Tree. 
 
 BY TOM HOOD. 
 
 A Golden Heart. 
 BY JULIAN HAWTHORNE. 
 Garth. I Ellice Quentin.' 
 
 BY VICTOR HUGO. 
 The Hunchback of Notre Dame. 
 
 London : CHATTO & WINDUS, PICCADILLY, 
 
Cheap Editions of Popular Novels. 
 
 BY MRS. ALFRED HUNT. 
 
 Thornicroft's Model. 
 BY JEAN INGELOW. 
 
 Fated to be Free. 
 BY HENRY JAMES. 
 
 Confidence. 
 
 BY HARRIETT JAY. 
 The Dark Colleen. I The Queen of Connaught. 
 
 BY HENRY KINGSLEY. 
 Oakshott Castle. I Number Seventeen. 
 
 BY E. LYNN LINTON. 
 
 Patricia Kemball. I The World Well Lost. 
 
 Atonement of Learn Dundas. Under Which Lord ? 
 
 With a Silken Thread. 
 
 BY JUSTIN MCCARTHY. 
 
 Dear Lady Disdain. A Fair Saxon. 
 
 The Waterdale Neighbours. Linley Rochford. 
 
 My Enemy's Daughter. Miss Misanthrope. 
 
 Donna Quixote. 
 
 BY MRS. MACDONELL. 
 
 Quaker Cousins. 
 
 BY KATHARINE S. MACQUOID. 
 
 The Evil Eye. 1 Lost Rose. 
 
 BY FLORENCE MARRYAT. 
 
 Open ! Sesame ! A Little Stepson. 
 
 A Harvest of Wild Oats. Fighting the Air. 
 
 Written in Fire. 
 
 BY JEAN MIDDLEMASS. 
 
 Touch and Go. ! Mr. Dorillion. 
 
 BY D. CHRISTIE MURRAY. 
 
 A Life's Atonement. 
 
 BY MRS. OLIPHANT. 
 
 Whiteladies. 
 
 BY GUI DA. 
 
 Held in Bondage. 
 
 Strathmore. 
 
 Chandos. 
 
 Under Two Flags. 
 
 Idalia. 
 
 Cecil Castlemaine. 
 
 Tricotrin. 
 
 Puck. 
 
 Folle Farine. 
 
 A Village Commune. 
 
 A Dog of Flanders. 
 
 Pascarel. 
 
 Two Little Wooden Shoes. 
 
 Signa. 
 
 In a Winter City. 
 
 Ariadne. 
 
 Friendship. 
 
 Moths. 
 
 Pipistrello. 
 
 London : CHATTO & WINDUS, PICCADILLY, W. 
 
Cheap Editions of Popular Novels. 
 
 BY JAMES PAYN. 
 
 Lost Sir Massingberd. 
 
 A Perfect Treasure. 
 
 Bentinck's Tutor. 
 
 Murphy's Master.. 
 
 A County Family. 
 
 At Her Mercy. 
 
 A Woman's Vengeance. 
 
 Cecil's Tryst. 
 
 The Clyffards of Clyffe. 
 
 The Family Scapegrace. 
 
 The Foster Brothers. 
 
 Found Dead. 
 
 The Best of Husbands. 
 
 Walter's Word. 
 
 Halves. 
 
 A Confidential Agent. 
 BY CHARLES READE. 
 
 Fallen Fortunes. 
 
 What He Cost Her. 
 
 Gwendoline's Harvest. 
 
 Humorous Stories. 
 
 Like Father, Like Son. 
 
 A Marine Residence. 
 
 Married Beneath Him. 
 
 Mirk Abbey. 
 
 Not Wooed, but Won. 
 
 Two Hundred Pounds Reward. 
 
 Less Black than we're Painted. 
 
 By Proxy. 
 
 Under One Roof. 
 
 High Spirits. 
 
 Carlyon's Year. 
 
 It is Never Too Late to Mend. 
 
 The Double Marriage. 
 
 Love Me Little, Love Me Long. 
 Foul Play. 
 
 The Cloister and the Hearth. 
 The Course of True Love. 
 Autobiography of a Thief. 
 
 BY MRS. RIDDELL. 
 
 Her Mother's Darling. 
 
 Hard Cash. 
 
 Peg Woffington. 
 
 Christie Johnstone. 
 
 Griffith Gaunt. 
 
 Put Yourself in His Place. 
 
 BY E. A. POE. 
 The Mystery of Marie Roget. 
 
 BY GEORGE AUGUSTUS SALA. 
 
 Gaslight and Daylight. 
 BY JOHN SAUNDERS. 
 Bound to the Wheel. I Guy Waterman. 
 
 One Against the World. I The Lion in the Path. 
 
 BY ARTHUR SKETCHLEY. I BY WALTER THORNBURY. 
 A Match in the Dark. Tales for the Marines. 
 
 BY ANTHONY TROLLOPE. 
 
 The Way We Live Now. I The American Senator. 
 
 BY T. ADOLPHUS TROLLOPE. 
 
 Diamond Cut Diamond. 
 
 BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 Tom Sawyer. I A Pleasure Trip on the Con- 
 
 An Idle Excursion. tinent of Europe. 
 
 BY LADY WOOD. 
 
 Sabina. 
 
 BY EDMUND YATES. 
 Castaway. I The Forlorn Hope. I Land at Last. 
 
 ANONYMOUS. 
 Paul Ferroll. | Why Paul Ferroll Killed his Wife. 
 
 London : CHATTO & WINDUS, PICCADILLY, W. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S 
 
 LECTURE 
 ON THE MORMONS 
 
 EDITED WITH A PREFATORY NOTE 
 
 EDWARD P. KINGSTON 
 
 WITH THIRTY-TWO ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 3Lontion 
 
 CHATTO AND WINDUS, PICCADILLY 
 1882 
 
 [All rights reserved ] 
 
-pre*,* 
 
 BALI.ANTYNE, HANSON AND CO. 
 EDINBURGH AND LONDON 
 
ibrary 
 
 ARTEMUS WARD AS A LECTURER. 
 
 F Cleveland, Ohio, the pleasant city besid* the lakes, Artemus 
 Ward first determined to become a public lecturer. He 
 and I rambled through Cleveland together after his return from 
 California. He called on some old friends at the Herald office, 
 then went over to the Weddel House, and afterwards strolled 
 across to the offices of the Plain Dealer, where, in his position 
 as sub-editor, he had written many of his earlier essays. 
 Artemus inquired for Mr Gray, the editor, who chanced to 
 be absent. Looking round at the vacant desks and ink-stained 
 furniture, Artemus was silent for a minute or two, and then 
 burst into one of those peculiar chuckling fits of laughter in 
 which he would occasionally indulge ; not a loud laugh, but a 
 shaking of the whole body with an impulse of merriment which 
 set every muscle in motion. " Here," said he, " here 's where 
 they called me a fool." The remembrance of their so calling 
 him seemed to afford him intense amusement. 
 
 From the office of the Cleveland Plain Dealer we continued 
 our tour of the town. Presently we found, ourselves in front 
 of Perry's statue, the monument erected to commemorate the 
 naval engagement on Lake Erie, wherein the Americans came 
 off victorious. Artemus looked up to the statue, laid his 
 finger to the side of his nose, and, in his quaint manner, re- 
 marked, "I wonder whether they called him 'a fool' too, 
 when he went to fight 1 " 
 
4 PREFA TOR Y NO TE 
 
 The remark, following close as it did upon his laughing fit 
 in the newspaper office, caused me to inquire why he had been 
 called "a fool," and who had called him so. 
 
 " It was the opinion of my friends on the paper," he replied. 
 " I told them that I was going in for lecturing. They laughed 
 at me, and called me 'a fool.' Don't you think they were 
 right ? " 
 
 Then we sauntered up Euclid Street, under the shade of its 
 avenue of trees. As we went along, Artemus Ward recounted 
 to me the story of his becoming a lecturer. Our conversa- 
 tion on that agreeable evening is fresh in my remembrance. 
 Memory still listens to the voice of my companion in the stroll, 
 still sees the green trees of Euclid Street casting their shadows 
 across our path, and still joins in the laugh with Artemus, who, 
 having just returned from California, where he had taken six- 
 teen hundred dollars at one lecture, did not think that to be 
 evidence of his having lost his senses. 
 
 The substance of that which Artemus Ward then told me 
 was, that while writing for the Cleveland Plain Dealer he was 
 accustomed, in the discharge of his duties as a reporter, to 
 attend the performances of the various minstrel troups and 
 circuses which visited the neighbourhood. At one of these he 
 would hear some story of his own, written a month or two 
 previously, given by the " middle-man " of the minstrels and 
 received with hilarity by the audience. At another place he 
 would be entertained by listening to jokes of his own inven- 
 tion, coarsely retailed by the clown of the ring, and shouted at 
 by the public as capital waggery on the part of the performer. 
 His own good things from the lips of another " came back to 
 xhim with alienated majesty," as Emerson expresses it. Then the 
 thought would steal over him Why should that man gain a 
 living with my witticisms, and I not use them in the same way 
 myself 1 ? why not be the utterer of my own coinage, the quoter 
 of my own jests, the mouthpiece of my own merry conceits ? 
 Certainly, it was not a very exalted ambition to aim at the 
 
BY E. P. HINGSTON. 5 
 
 glories of a circus clown or the triumphs of a minstrel with a 
 blackened face. But, in the United States a somewhat differ- 
 ent view is taken of that which is fitting and seemly for a man 
 to do, compared with the estimate we form in this country. 
 In a land where the theory of caste is not admitted, the rela- 
 tive respectability of the various professions is not quite the 
 same as it is with us. There the profession does not disqualify 
 if the man himself be right, nor the claim to the title of gentle- 
 man depend upon the avocation followed. I know of one or 
 two clowns in the ring who are educated physicians, and not 
 thought to be any the less gentlemen because they propound 
 conundrums and perpetrate^ jests instead of prescribing pills 
 and potions. 
 
 Artemus Ward was always very self-reliant ; when once he 
 believed himself to be in the right it was almost impossible to 
 persuade him to the contrary. But, at the same time, he was 
 cautious in the extreme, and would well consider his position 
 before deciding that which was right or wrong for him to do. 
 The idea of becoming a public man having taken possession of 
 his mind, the next point to decide was in what form he should 
 appear before the public. That of a humorous lecturer seemed 
 to him to be the best. It was unoccupied ground. America 
 had produced entertainers who by means of facial changes or 
 eccentricities of costume had contrived to amuse their audi- 
 ences, but there was no one who ventured to joke for an hour 
 before a house full of people with no aid from scenery or dress. 
 The experiment was one which Artemus resolved to try. 
 Accordingly, he set himself to work to collect all his best 
 quips and cranks, to invent what new drolleries he could, and 
 to remember all the good things that he had heard or met 
 with. These he noted down and strung together almost with- 
 out relevancy or connexion. The manuscript chanced to fall 
 into the hands of the people at the office of the newspaper on 
 which he was then employed, and the question was put to him 
 cf what use he was going to make of the strange jumble of 
 
6 PREFA TOR Y NO TE 
 
 jest which he had thus compiled. His answer was that he 
 was about to turn lecturer, and that before them were the 
 materials of his lecture. It was then that his friends laughed 
 at him, and characterised him as " a fool." 
 
 " They had some right to think so/' said Artemus to me as 
 we rambled up Euclid Street. " I half thought that I was one 
 myself. I don't look like a lecturer do I ? " 
 
 He was always fond, poor fellow, of joking on the subject of 
 his personal appearance. His spare figure and tall stature, 
 his prominent nose and his light-coloured hair, were each made 
 the subject of a joke at one time or another in the course of 
 his lecturing career. If he laughed largely at the foibles of 
 others, he was equally disposed to laugh at any shortcomings 
 he could detect in himself. If anything at all in his outward 
 form was to him a source of vanity, it was the delicate forma- 
 tion of his hands. White, soft, long, slender, and really hand- 
 some, they were more like the hands of a high-born lady than 
 those of a Western editor. He attended to them with careful 
 pride, and never alluded to them as a subject for his jokes, 
 until, in his last illness, they had become unnaturally fair, 
 translucent, and attenuated. Then it was that a friend call- 
 ing upon him at his apartments in Piccadilly, endeavoured to 
 cheer him at a time of great mental depression, and pleasantly 
 reminded him of a ride they had long ago projected through 
 the South- Western States of the Union. u We must do that 
 ride yet, Artemus. Short stages at first, and longer ones as 
 we go on." Poor Artemus lifted up his pale, slender hands, 
 and letting the light shine through them, said jocosely, " Do 
 you think these would do to hold a rein with? Why, the 
 horse would laugh at them." 
 
 Having collected a sufficient number of quaint thoughts, 
 whimsical fancies, bizarre notions, and ludicrous anecdotes, 
 the difficulty which then, according to his own confession, 
 occurred to Artemus Ward was, what should be the title of 
 his lecture. The subject was no difficulty at all, for the simple 
 
BY E. P. KINGSTON. 7 
 
 reason that there was not to be any. The idea of instructing 
 or informing his audience never once entered into his plans. 
 His intention was merely to amuse ; if possible, keep the house 
 in continuous laughter for an hour and a half, or rather an 
 hour and twenty minutes, for that, was the precise time, in 
 his belief, which people could sit to listen and to laugh 
 without becoming bored ; and, if possible, send his audience 
 home well pleased with the lecturer and with themselves, 
 without their having any clear idea of that which they had 
 been listening to, and not one jot the wiser than when they 
 came. No one better understood than Artemus the wants of 
 a miscellaneous audience who paid their dollar or half-dollar 
 each to be amused. No one could guage better than he the 
 capacity of the crowd to feed on pure fun, and no one could 
 discriminate more clearly than he the fitness, temper, and 
 mental appetite of the constituents of his evening assemblies. 
 The prosiness of an ordinary Mechanics' Institute lecture was 
 to him simply abhorrent ; the learned platitudes of a professed 
 lecturer were to him, to use one of his own phrases, " worse 
 than poison." To make people laugh was to be his primary 
 endeavour. If in so making them laugh he could also cause 
 them to see through a sham, be ashamed of some silly national 
 prejudice, or suspicious of the value of some current piece of 
 political bunkum, so much the better. He believed in 
 laughter as thoroughly wholesome ; he had the firmest convic- 
 tion that fun is healthy, and sportiveness the truest sign of 
 sanity. Like Talleyrand, he was of opinion that " Qui mt sans 
 folie riestpas si sage qu'il croit" 
 
 Artemus Ward's first lecture was entitled " The Babes in 
 the Wood." I asked him why he chose that title, because 
 there was nothing whatever in the lecture relevant to the sub- 
 ject of the child-book legend. He replied, " It seemed to 
 sound the best. I once thought of calling the lecture ' My 
 Seven Grandmothers.' Don't yoti think that would have been 
 good?" It would at any rate have been just as pertinent. 
 
8 PREFA TOR Y NOTE 
 
 Incongruity as an element of fun was always an idea upper- 
 most in the mind of the Western humorist. I am not aware 
 that the notes of any of his lectures, except those of his Mormon 
 experience, have been preserved, and I have some doubts if 
 any one of his lectures, except the Mormon one, was ever fairly 
 written out. " The Babes in the Wood," as a lecture, was a 
 pure and unmitigated " sell." It was merely joke after joke, 
 and drollery succeeding to drollery, without any connecting 
 thread whatever. It was an exhibition of fireworks, owing 
 half its brilliancy and more than half its effect to the skill of 
 the man who grouped the fireworks together and let them off. 
 In the hands of any other pyrotechnist the squibs would have 
 failed to light, the rockets would have refused to ascend, and 
 the " nine-bangers " would have exploded but once or twice 
 only, instead of nine times. The artist of the display being 
 no more, and the fireworks themselves having gone out, it is 
 perhaps not to be regretted that the cases of the squibs and 
 the tubes of the rockets have not been carefully kept. Most 
 of the good things introduced by Artemus Ward in his first 
 lecture were afterwards incorporated by him in subsequent 
 writings, or used over again in his later entertainment. 
 Many of them had reference to the events of the day, the 
 circumstances of the American War and the politics of the 
 Great Rebellion. These, of course, have lost their interest 
 with the passing away of the times which gave them birth. 
 The points of many of the jokes have corroded, and the 
 barbed head of many an arrow of Artemus's wit has rusted 
 into bluntness with the decay of the bow from which it was 
 propelled. 
 
 If I remember rightly, the " Babes in the Wood " were 
 never mentioned more than twice in the whole lecture. First, 
 when the lecturer told his audience that the "Babes" were to 
 constitute the subject of his discourse, and then digressed im- 
 mediately to matters quite foreign to the story. Then again 
 at the conclusion of the hour and twenty minutes of drollery, 
 
BY E. P. HINGSTON. g 
 
 when he finished up in this way : " I now come to my sub- 
 ject ' The Babes in the Wood/ " Here he would take out his 
 watch, look at it with affected surprise, put on an appearance 
 of being greatly perplexed, and amidst roars of laughter from 
 the people, very gravely continue, " But I find that I have 
 exceeded my time, and will therefore merely remark that, so 
 far as I know, they were very good babes they were as good 
 as ordinary babes. I really have not time to go into their 
 history. You will find it all in the story-books. They died 
 in the woods, listening to the woodpecker tapping the hollow 
 beech-tree. It was a sad fate for them, and I pity them. So, 
 I hope, do you. Good night ! " 
 
 Artemus gave his first lecture at Norwich in Connecticut, 
 and travelled over a considerable portion of the Eastern States 
 before he ventured to give a sample of his droll oratory in the 
 Western cities, wherein he had earned reputation as a journa- 
 list. Gradually his popularity became very great, and in place 
 of letting himself out at so much per night to literary societies 
 and athenaeums, he constituted himself his own showman, en- 
 gaging that indispensable adjunct to all showmen in the United 
 States, an agent to go ahead, engage halls, arrange for the sale 
 of tickets, and engineer the success of the show. Newspapers 
 had carried his name to every village of the Union, and his 
 writings had been largely quoted in every journal. It re- 
 quired, therefore, comparatively little advertising to announce 
 his visit to any place in which he had to lecture. But it was 
 necessary that he should have a bill or poster of some kind. 
 The one he adopted was simple, quaint, striking, and well 
 adapted to the purpose. It was merely one large sheet, with a 
 black ground, and the letters cut out in the block, so as to 
 print white. The reading was " Artemus Ward will Speak a 
 Piece." To the American mind this was intensely funny from 
 its childish absurdity. It is customary in the States for chil- 
 dren to speak or recite " a piece " at school at the annual 
 examination, and the phrase is used just in the same sense aa 
 
io PREFA TOR Y NOTE 
 
 in England we say " a Christmas piece." The professed sub 
 ject of the lecture being that of a story familiar to children, 
 harmonised well with the droll placard which announced its 
 delivery. The place and time were notified on a slip pasted 
 beneath. To emerge from the dull depths of lyceum com- 
 mittees and launch out as a showman-lecturer on his own 
 responsibility, was something both novel and bold for Artemus 
 to do. In the majority of instances he or his agent met with 
 speculators who were ready to engage him for so many 
 lectures, and secure to the lecturer a certain fixed sum. But 
 in his later transactions Artemus would have nothing to do 
 with them, much preferring to undertake all the risk himself. 
 The last speculator to whom he sold himself for a tour was, I 
 believe, Mr Wilder, of New York City, who realised a large 
 profit by investing in lecturing stock, and who was always 
 ready to engage a circus, a wild-beast show, or a lecturing 
 celebrity. 
 
 As a rule Artemus Ward succeeded in pleasing every one iD 
 his audience, especially those who understood the charactei 
 of the man and the drift of his lecture ; but there were not 
 wanting at any of his lectures a few obtuse-minded, slowly- 
 perceptive, drowsy -headed dullards, who had not the remotest 
 idea what the entertainer was talking about, nor why those 
 around him indulged in laughter. Artemus was quick to 
 detect these little spots upon the sunny face of his auditory. 
 He would pick them out, address himself at times to them 
 especially, and enjoy the bewilderment of his Boeotian patrons. 
 Sometimes a stolid inhabitant of central New York, evidently 
 of Dutch extraction, would regard him with an open stare ex- 
 pressive of a desire to enjoy that which was said if the point of 
 the joke could by any possibility be indicated to him. At other 
 times a demure Pennsylvania Quaker would benignly survey 
 the poor lecturer with a look of benevolent pity ; and on one 
 occasion, when my friend was lecturing at Peoria, an elderly 
 lady, accompanied by her two daughters, left the room in the 
 
BY E. P. HINGSTON. n 
 
 midst of the lecture, exclaiming, as she passed me at the door, 
 " It is too bad of people to laugh at a poor young man who 
 doesn't know what he is saying, and ought to be sent to a 
 lunatic asylum ! " 
 
 The newspaper reporters were invariably puzzled in attempt- 
 ing to give any correct idea of a lecture by Artemus Ward. 
 No report could fairly convey an idea of the entertainment ; 
 and being fully aware of this, Artemus would instruct his 
 agent to beg of the papers not to attempt giving any abstract 
 of that which he said. The following is the way in which the 
 reporter of the Golden Era, at San Francisco, California, endea- 
 voured to inform the San Franciscan public of the character 
 of " The Babes in the Wood " lecture. It is, as the reader will 
 perceive, a burlesque on the way in which Artemus himself 
 dealt with the topic he had chosen; while it also notes 
 one or two of the salient features of my friend's style of lec- 
 turing : 
 
 " HOW ARTEMUS WARD ' SPOKE A PIECE.' " 
 
 ** Artemus has arrived. Artemus has spoken. Artemus has triumphed. 
 Great is Artemus ! 
 
 " Great also is Platt's Hall. But Artemus is greater ; for the hall 
 proved too small for his audience, and too circumscribed for the immen- 
 sity of his jokes. A man who has drank twenty bottles of wine may be 
 called ' full.' A pint bottle with a quart of water in it would also be ac- 
 counted full ; and so would an hotel be, every bed in it let three times 
 over on the same night to three different occupants ; but none of these 
 would be so full as Platt's Hall was on Friday night to hear Artemus 
 Ward ' speak a piece.' 
 
 " The piece selected was * The Babes in the Wood,' which reminds us 
 that Mr Ward is a tall, slender-built, fair-complexioned, jo vial -looking 
 gentleman of about twenty-seven years of age. He has a pleasant manner, 
 an agreeable style, and a clear, distinct, and powerful voice. 
 
 " 'The Babes in the Wood' is a 'comic oration,' with a most compre- 
 hensive grasp of subject. As spoken by its witty author, it elicited gusta 
 of laughter and whirlwinds of applause. Mr Ward is no prosy lyceum 
 lecturer. His style is neither scientific, didactic, or philosophical. It ia 
 simply that of a man who is brimful of mirth, wit, and satire, and who is 
 compelled to let it flow forth. Maintaining a very grave countenance him- 
 
12 PREFA TORY NOTE 
 
 aolf, he plays upon the muscles of other people's faces as though they wore 
 piano-strings, and he the prince of pianists. 
 
 " The story of ' The Babes in the Wood' is interesting in the extreme. 
 We would say, en passant, however, that Artemus Ward is a perfect steam 
 factory of puns and a museum of American humour. Humanity seems 
 to him to be a vast mine, out of which he digs tons of fun ; and life a huge 
 forest, in which he can cut down ' cords' of comicality. Language with 
 him is like the brass balls with which the juggler amuses us at the circus 
 ever being tossed up, ever glittering, ever thrown about at pleasure. 
 We intended to report his lecture in full, but we laughed till we split our 
 lead pencil, and our shorthand symbols were too infused with merriment 
 to remain steady on the paper. However, let us proceed to give an idea 
 of ' The Babes in the Wood.' In the first place, it is a comic oration ; 
 that is, it is spoken, is exuberant in fun, felicitous in fancy, teeming with 
 jokes, and sparkling as bright waters on a sunny day. The ' Babes in the 
 Wood' is that is, it isn't a lecture or an oratorical effort; it is something 
 sui generis; something reserved for our day and generation, which it would 
 never have done for our forefathers to have known, or they would have 
 been too mirthful to have attended to the business of preparing the world 
 for our coming ; and something which will provoke so much laughter in 
 our time, that the echo of the laughs will reverberate along the halls of 
 futurity, and seriously affect the nerves of future generations. 
 
 " The ' Babes in the Wood,' to describe it, is Well, those who listened to 
 it know best. At any rate, they will acknowledge with us that it was a great 
 success, and that Artemus Ward has a fortune before him in California. 
 
 " And now to tell the story of ' The Babes in the Wood ' But we will 
 not, for the hall was not half large enough to accommodate those who 
 came, consequently Mr Ward will tell it over again at the Metropolitan 
 Theatre next Tuesday evening. The subject will again be ' The Babes in 
 the Wood.'" 
 
 Having travelled over the Union with " The Babes in the 
 Wood " lecture, and left his audiences everywhere fully " in 
 the wood" as regarded the subject announced in the title, 
 Artemus Ward became desirous of going over the same ground 
 again. There were not wanting dreary and timid prophets 
 who told him that having " sold " his audiences once, he would 
 not succeed in gaining large houses a second time. But tho 
 faith of Artemus in the unsuspecting nature of the public was 
 very large, so with fearless intrepidity he conceived the happy 
 thought of inventing a new title, but keeping to the same old 
 
BY E. P. HINGSTON. 13 
 
 lecture, interspersing it here and there with a few fresh jokes, 
 incidental to new topics of the times. Just at this period 
 General McClellan was advancing on Richmond, and the cele- 
 brated fight at Bull's Run had become matter of history. The 
 forcible abolition of slavery had obtained a place among the 
 debates of the day, Hinton Rowan Helper's book on " The 
 Inevitable Crisis " had been sold at every bookstall, and the 
 future of the negro had risen into the position of being the 
 great point of discussion throughout the land. Artemus re- 
 quired a very slender thread to string his jokes upon, and what 
 better one could be found than that which he chose 1 He 
 advertised the title of his next lecture as " Sixty Minutes in 
 Africa." I need scarcely say that he had never been in 
 Africa, and in all probability had never read a book on African 
 travel. He knew nothing about it, and that was the verj) 
 reason he should choose Africa for his subject. I believe that 
 he carried out the joke so far as to have a map made of the 
 African continent, and that on a few occasions, but not on all, 
 he had it suspended in the lecture-room. It was in Philadel- 
 phia and at the Musical Fund Hall in Locust Street that I 
 first heard him deliver what he jocularly phrased to me as 
 " My African Revelation." The hall was very thronged, the 
 audience must have exceeded two thousand in number, and 
 the evening was unusually warm. Artemus came on the ros- 
 trum with a roll of paper in his hands, and used it to play 
 with throughout the lecture, just as recently at the Egyptian 
 Hall, while lecturing on the Mormons, he invariably made use 
 of a lady's riding-whip for the same purpose. He commenced 
 his lecture thus, speaking very gravely and with long pauses 
 between his sentences, allowing his audience to laugh if they 
 pleased, but seeming to utterly disregard their laughter : 
 
 " I have invited you to listen to a discourse upon Africa- 
 Africa is my subject. It is a very large subject. It has the 
 Atlantic Ocean on its left side, the Indian Ocean on its right, 
 and more water than you could measure out at its smaller end, 
 
14 PREFA TOR Y NO TE 
 
 Africa produces blacks ivory blacks they get ivory. It also 
 produces deserts, and that is the reason it is so much deserted 
 by travellers. Africa is famed for its roses. It has the red 
 rose, the white rose, and the neg-rose. Apropos of negroes, 
 let me tell you a little story." 
 
 Then he at once diverged from the subject of Africa to re- 
 tail to his audience his amusing story of the Conversion of a 
 Negro, which he subsequently worked up into an article in the 
 Savage Club Papers, and entitled "Converting the Nigger" 
 Never once again in the course of the lecture did he refer to 
 Africa, until the time having arrived for him to conclude, and 
 the people being fairly worn out with laughter, he finished up 
 by saying, "Africa, ladies and gentlemen, is my subject. 
 You wish me to tell you something about Africa. Africa is 
 on the map it is on all the maps of Africa that I have ever 
 seen. You may buy a good map for a dollar, and if you study 
 it well, you will know more about Africa than I do. It is a 
 comprehensive subject,' too vast, I assure you, for me to enter 
 upon to-night. You would not wish me too, I feel that I 
 feel it deeply, and I am very sensitive. If you go home and 
 go to bed it will be better for you than to go with me to 
 Africa." 
 
 The joke about the " neg-rose " has since run the gauntlet 
 of nearly all the minstrel bands throughout England and 
 America. All the "bones," every "middle-man," and all 
 "end-men" of the burnt-cork profession have used Artemus 
 Ward as a mine wherein to dig for the ore which provokes 
 laughter. He has been the " cause of wit in others," and 
 the bread-winner for many dozens of black-face songsters 
 " singists " as he used to term them. He was just as fond of 
 visiting their entertainments as they were of appropriating 
 his jokes ; and among his best friends in New York were the 
 brothers Messrs Neil and Dan Bryant, who have made a for- 
 tune by what has been facetiously termed " the burnt-cork- 
 opera." 
 
BY E. P. KINGSTON. 15 
 
 It was in his " Sixty Minutes in Africa " lectu-e that Arte- 
 mus Ward first introduced his celebrated satire on the negro, 
 which he subsequently put into print. " The African," said 
 he, " may be our brother. Several highly respectable gentle- 
 men and some talented females tell me that he is, and for 
 argument's sake I might be induced to grant it, though I don't 
 believe it myself. But the African isn't our sister, and wife, 
 and uncle. He isn't several of our brothers and first wife's 
 relations. He isn't our grandfather and great grandfather, and 
 our aunt in the country. Scarcely." 
 
 It may easily be imagined how popular this joke became 
 when it is remembered that it was first perpetrated at a time 
 when the negro question was so much debated as to have 
 become an absolute nuisance. Nothing else was talked of; 
 nobody would talk of anything but the negro. The saying 
 arose that all Americans had " nigger-on-the-brain." The topic 
 had become nauseous, especially to the Democratic party ; and 
 Artemus always had more friends among them than among 
 the Republicans. If he had any politics at all he was certainly 
 a Democrat. 
 
 War had arisen, the South was closed, and the lecturing 
 arena considerably lessened. Artemus Ward determined to 
 go to California. Before starting for that side of the American 
 continent, he wished to appear in the city of New York. He 
 engaged, through his friend Mr De Walden, the large hall 
 then known as Niblo's, in front of the Niblo's Garden Theatre, 
 and now used, I believe, as the dining-room of the Metropo- 
 litan Hotel. At that period Pepper's Ghost chanced to be the 
 great novelty of New York City, and Artemus Ward was 
 casting about for a novel title to his old lecture. Whether he 
 or Mr De Walden selected that of "Artemus Ward's Struggle 
 with a Ghost" I do not know \ but I think that it was Mr De 
 Walden's choice. The title was seasonable, and the lecture 
 successful. Then came the tour to California, whither I pro- 
 ceeded in advance to warn the miners on the Yuba, the 
 
16 PREFA TORY NOTE 
 
 travellers on the Rio Sacramento, and the citizens of the 
 Chrysopolis of the Pacific that "A. Ward" would be there 
 shortly. In California the lecture was advertised under its 
 old name of " The Bahes in the Wood." Plata's Hall was 
 selected for the scene of operation, and, so popular was the 
 lecturer, that on the first night we took at the doors more than 
 sixteen hundred dollars in gold. The crowd proved too great 
 to take money in the ordinary manner, and hats were used for 
 people to throw their dollars in. One hat broke through at 
 the crown. I doubt if we ever knew to a dollar how many 
 dollars it once contained. 
 
 California was duly travelled over, and " The Babes in the 
 Wood" listened to with laughter in its flourishing cities, its 
 mining-camps among the mountains, and its "new placers" 
 beside gold-bedded rivers. While journeying through that 
 strangely-beautiful land, the serious question arose What 
 was to be done next ? After California where ? 
 
 Before leaving New York, it had been a favourite scheme of 
 Artemus Ward not to return from California to the East by 
 way of Panama, but to come home across the Plains, and to 
 visit Salt Lake City by the way. The difficulty that now 
 presented itself was, that winter was close upon us, and that 
 it was no pleasant thing to cross the Sierra Nevada and scale 
 the Rocky Mountains with the thermometer far below freezing- 
 point. Nor was poor Artemus even at that time a strong 
 man. My advice was to return to Panama, visit the West 
 India Islands, and come back to California in the spring, 
 lecture again in San Francisco, and then go on to the land of 
 the Mormons. Artemus doubted the feasibility of this plan, 
 and the decision was ultimately arrived at to try the journey 
 to Salt Lake. Unfortunately the winter turned out to be one 
 of the severest. When we arrived at Salt Lake City, my poor 
 friend was seized with typhoid fever, resulting from the fatigue 
 we had undergone, the intense cold to which we had been 
 subjected, and the excitement of being on a journey of 3500 
 
BY E. P. KINGSTON* 17 
 
 miles across the North American Continent, when the Pacific 
 Railway had made little progress and the Indians were reported 
 not to be very friendly. 
 
 The story of the trip is told in Artemus Ward's lecture. I 
 have added to it, at the special request of the publisher, a few 
 explanatory notes, the purport of which is to render the reader 
 acquainted with the characteristics of the lecturer's delivery. 
 For the benefit of those who never had an opportunity of see- 
 ing Artemus Ward nor of hearing him lecture, I may be par- 
 doned for attempting to describe the man himself. 
 
 In stature he was tall, in figure, slender. At any time 
 during our acquaintance his height must have been dispropor- 
 tionate to his weight. Like his brother Cyrus, who died a few 
 years before him, Charles F. Browne, our " Artemus Ward," 
 had the premonitory signs of a short life strongly evident in 
 his early manhood. There were the lank form, the long pale 
 fingers, the very white pearly teeth, the thin, fine, soft hair, 
 the undue brightness of the eyes, the excitable and even 
 irritable disposition, the capricious appetite, and the alter- 
 nately jubilant and despondent tone of mind which too fre- 
 quently indicate that " the abhorred fury with the shears" is 
 waiting too near at hand to " slit the thin-spun life." His 
 hair was very light-coloured, and not naturally curly. He used 
 to joke in his lecture about what it cost him to keep it curled ; 
 he wore a very large moustache without any beard or whiskers ; 
 his nose was exceedingly prominent, having an outline not un- 
 like that of the late Sir Charles Napier. His forehead was 
 large, with, to use the language of the phrenologists, the 
 organs of the perceptive faculties far more developed than 
 those of the imaginative powers. He had the manner and 
 bearing of a naturally-born gentleman. Great was the dis- 
 appointment of many who, having read his humorous papers 
 descriptive of his exhibition of snakes and waxwork, and who 
 having also formed their ideas of him from the absurd pictures 
 which had been attached to some editions of his works, found 
 
 B 
 
18 PREFA TORY NOTE 
 
 on meeting with him that there was no trace of the showman 
 in his deportment, and little to call up to their mind the 
 smart Yankee who had married "Betsy Jane." There was 
 nothing to indicate that he had not lived a long time in 
 Europe and acquired the polish which men gain by coming in 
 contact with the society of European capitals. In his conver- 
 sation there was no marked peculiarity of accent to identify 
 him as an American, nor any of the braggadocio which some 
 of his countrymen unadvisedly assume. His voice was soft, 
 gentle, and clear. He could make himself audible in the 
 largest lecture-rooms without effort. His style of lecturing 
 was peculiar ; so thoroughly sui generis, that I know of no one 
 with whom to compare him, nor can any description very well 
 convey an idea of that which it was like. However much he 
 caused his audience to laugh, no smile appeared upon 
 his own face. It was grave even to solemnity, while he 
 was giving utterance to the most delicious absurdities. 
 His assumption of indifference to that which he was 
 saying, his happy manner of letting his best jokes fall 
 from his lips as if unconscious of their being jokes at all, his 
 thorough self-possession on the platform, and keen appreciation 
 of that which suited his audience and that which did not, 
 rendered him well qualified for the task which he had under- 
 taken that of amusing the public with a humorous lecture. 
 He understood and comprehended to a hair's breadth the 
 grand secret of how not to bore. He had weighed, measured, 
 and calculated to a nicety the number of laughs an audience 
 could indulge in on one evening, without feeling that they were 
 laughing just a little too much. Above all, he was no com- 
 mon man, and did not cause his audience to feel that they 
 were laughing at that which they should feel ashamed of being 
 amused with. He was intellectually up to the level of nine- 
 tenths of those who listened to him, and in listening, they felt 
 that it was no fool who wore the cap and bells so excellently. 
 It was amusing to notice how with different people his jokes 
 
BY E. P. KINGSTON. ig 
 
 produced a different effect. The Honourable Eobert Lowe 
 attended one evening at the Mormon Lecture, and laughed as 
 hilariously as any one in the room. The next evening Mr 
 John Bright happened to be present. With the exception of 
 one or two occasional smiles, he listened with grave attention. 
 In placing the lecture before the public in print, it is im- 
 possible, by having recourse to any system of punctuation, to 
 indicate the pauses, jerky emphases, and odd inflexions of 
 voice which characterised the delivery. The reporter of the 
 Standard newspaper, describing his first lecture in London, 
 aptly said : " Artemus dropped his jokes faster than the 
 meteors of last night succeeded each other in the sky. 
 And there was this resemblance between the flashes of his 
 humour and the flights of the meteors, that in each case one 
 looked for jokes or meteors, but they always came just in the 
 place that one least expected to find them. Half the enjoy- 
 ment of the evening lay, to some of those present, in listening 
 to the hearty cachinnation of the people who only found out 
 the jokes some two or three minutes after they were made, 
 and who then laughed apparently at some grave statements ot 
 fact. Eeduced to paper, the showman's jokes are certainly 
 not brilliant ; almost their whole effect lies in their seemingly 
 impromptu character. They are carefully led up to, of course; 
 but they are uttered as if they are mere afterthoughts, of which 
 the speaker is hardly sure." Herein the writer in the Standard 
 hits the most marked peculiarity of Artemus Ward's style of 
 lecturing. His affectation of not knowing what he was utter- 
 ing, his seeming fits of abstraction, and his grave, melancholy 
 aspect, constituted the very cream of the entertainment. 
 Occasionally he would amuse himself in an apparently medi- 
 tative mood, by twirling his little riding- whip, or by gazing 
 earnestly, but with affected admiration, at his panorama. At 
 the Egyptian Hall his health entirely failed him, and he would 
 occasionally have to use a seat during the course of the lec- 
 ture. In the notes which follow I have tried, I know how 
 
20 PREFA TOR Y NO TE 
 
 inefficiently, to convey here and there an idea of how Artemug 
 rendered his lecture amusing by gesture or action. I have 
 also, at the request of the publisher, made a few explanatory 
 comments on the subject of our Mormon trip. In so doing I 
 hope that I have not thrust myself too prominently forward, 
 nor been too officious in my explanations. My aim has been 
 to add to the interest of the lecture with those who never 
 heard it delivered, and to revive in the memory of those who 
 did some of its notable peculiarities. The illustrations are 
 from photographs of the panorama painted in America for 
 Artemus, as the pictorial portion of his entertainment. 
 
 In the lecture is the fun of the journey. For the hard facts 
 the reader in quest of information is referred to a book pub- 
 lished previously to the lecturer's appearance at the Egyptian 
 Hall, the title of which is, " Artemus Ward : His Travels 
 among the Mormons." Much against the grain as it was for 
 Artemus to be statistical, he has therein detailed some of the 
 experiences of his Mormon trip, with due regard to the exacti- 
 tude and accuracy of statement expected by information- 
 seeking readers in a book of travels. He was not precisely 
 the sort of traveller to write a paper for the evening meetings 
 of the Eoyal Geographical Society, nor was he sufficiently 
 interested in philosophical theories to speculate on the develop- 
 ments of Mormonism as illustrative of the history of religious 
 belief. "We were looking out of the window of the Salt Lake 
 House one morning, when Brigham Young happened to pass 
 down the opposite side of Main Street. It was cold weather, 
 and the prophet was clothed in a thick cloak of some green- 
 coloured material. I remarked to Artemus that Brigham had 
 seemingly compounded Mormonism from portions of a dozen 
 different creeds ; and that in selecting green for the colour of 
 his apparel, he was imitating Mahomet. " Has it not struck 
 you," I observed, " that Swedenborgianism and Mahometan- 
 ism are oddly blended in the Mormon faith ? " 
 
 " Petticoatism and plunder," was Artemus's reply ; and that 
 
BY E. P. HINGSTON. 21 
 
 comprehended his whole philosophy of Mormonism. As he 
 remarked elsewhere : " Brigham Young is a man of great 
 natural ability. If you ask me, How pious is he 1 I treat it 
 as a conundrum, and give it up." 
 
 To lecture in London, and at the Egyptian Hall, had long 
 been a favourite idea of Artemus Ward. Some humorist has 
 
 said, that " All good Americans, when they die , go to 
 
 Paris." So do most, whether good or bad, while they are 
 living. 
 
 Still more strongly developed is the transatlantic desire to 
 go to Eome. In the far west of the Missouri, in the remoter 
 west of Colorado, and away in far north-western Oregon, I 
 have heard many a tradesman express his intention to make 
 dollars enough to enable him to visit Eome. In a land where 
 all is so new, where they have had no past, where an old wall 
 would be a sensation, and a tombstone of anybody's great 
 grandfather the marvel of the whole region, the charms of the 
 old world have an irresistible fascination. To visit the home 
 of the Caesars they have read of in their school-books, and to 
 look at architecture which they have seen pictorially, but have 
 nothing like it in existence around them, is very naturally the 
 strong wish of people who are nationally nomadic, and who 
 have all more or less a smattering of education. Artemus 
 Ward never expressed to me any very great wish to travel on 
 the European continent, but to see London was to accomplish 
 something which he had dreamed of from his boyhood. There 
 runs from Marysville in California to Oroville in the same 
 State a short and singular little railway, which, when we were 
 there, was in a most unfinished condition. To Oroville we 
 were going. We were too early for the train at the Marys- 
 ville station, and sat down on a pile of timber to chat over 
 future prospects. 
 
 " What sort of a man was Albert Smith ? " asked Artemus. 
 " And do you think that the Mormons would be as good a 
 subject for the Londoners as Mont Blanc was ? " 
 
22 PREFA TORY NOTE BY E. P. KINGSTON. 
 
 I answered his questions. He reflected for a few momenta, 
 and then said 
 
 " Well, old fellow, I '11 tell you what I should like to do 
 I should like to go to London and give my lecture in the same 
 place. Can it be done t " 
 
 It was done. Not in the same room, but under the same 
 roof and on the same floor; in that gloomy-looking Hall in 
 Piccadilly, which was destined to be the ante- chamber to the 
 tomb of both lecturers. 
 
 Throughout this brief sketch I have written familiarly of 
 the late Mr Charles F. Browne as " Artemus Ward," or simply 
 as " Artemus." I have done so advisedly, mainly because, 
 during the whole course of our acquaintance, I do not remem- 
 ber addressing him as " Mr Browne," or by his real Christian 
 name. To me he was always " Artemus " Artemus the kind, 
 the gentle, the suave, the generous. One who was ever a 
 friend in the fullest meaning of the word, and the best of 
 companions in the amplest acceptance of the phrase. His 
 merry laugh and pleasant conversation are as audible to me as 
 if they were heard but yesterday ; his words of kindness linger 
 on the ear of memory, and his tones of genial mirth live in 
 echoes which I shall listen to for evermore. Two years will 
 soon have passed away since last he spoke, and 
 
 " Silence now, enamour'd of his voice 
 Locks its mute music in her rugged cell." 
 
 E. P. KINGSTON. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 are entirely welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to my little 
 picture-shop, f 
 
 I couldn't give you a very clear idea of the Mormons and 
 Utah and the Plains and the Kocky Mountains without 
 opening a picture-shop - and therefore I open one. 
 
 I don't expect to do great things here but I have thought 
 
 * Artemus Ward's first lecture in London was delivered at the Egyptian 
 Hall, Piccadilly, on Tuesday, November 13, 1866. The room used was 
 that which had been recently occupied by Mr Arthur Sketchley. It is the 
 lesser of the two rpoms at the top of the staircase ; not the one in which 
 Mr Albert Smith formerly made his appearances. The attendance was 
 very large, but the audience for the most part consisted of invited friends 
 and the members of the press. The paying public having to wait for 
 another opportunity, though they struggled in large numbers to obtain 
 admission. Copies of Artemus "Ward's very original programmes are given 
 in the Appendix, together with the notice of the lecture which appeared 
 in the Times two days after its delivery. The notice was written by Mr 
 John Oxenford. 
 
 t "My little picture-shop." I have already stated that the room used 
 tvas the lesser of the two on the first floor of the Egyptian Hall. The 
 panorama was to the left on entering, and Artemus Ward stood at the 
 south-east corner, facing the door. He had beside him a music-stand, on 
 which for the first few days he availed himself of the assistance afforded 
 by a sheet of foolscap, on which all his " cues " were written out in a large 
 hand. The proscenium was covered with dark cloth, and the picture 
 bounded by a great gilt frame. On the rostrum behind the lecturer was 
 a little door giving admission to the space behind the picture where the 
 piano was placed. Through this door Artemus would disappear occasion- 
 ally in the course of the evening, either to instruct his pianist to play a 
 
24 ARTEMUS WARVS LECTURE. 
 
 that if I could make money enough to buy me a passage to 
 
 New Zealand * I should feel that I had not lived in vain. 
 
 I don't want to live in vain. I'd rather 
 
 live in Margate or here. But I wish when the 
 Egyptians built this hall they had given it a little more ven- 
 tilation, t 
 
 If you should be dissatisfied with anything here to-night I 
 will admit you all free in New Zealand if you will come to 
 me there for the orders. Any respectable cannibal 
 will tell you where I live. This shows that I have 
 a forgiving spirit. 
 
 I really don't care for money. I only travel round to see 
 the world and to exhibit my clothes. These clothes I 
 have on were a great success in America.^: 
 
 few more bars of music, to tell his assistants to roll the picture more 
 quickly or more slowly, or to give some instructions to the man who 
 worked ' the moon." The little lecture-room was thronged nightly during 
 the very few weeks of its being open. 
 
 * " To New Zealand" Artemus Ward seriously contemplated a visit to 
 Australia, after having made the tour of England. He was very much in- 
 terested in all Australian affairs, had a strong desire to see the lands of the 
 South, and looked forward to the long sea-voyage as one of the means by 
 which he should regain his lost health. 
 
 t " More ventilation." The heat and closeness of the densely-packed 
 room was a cause of common complaint among the audience. 
 
 " These clothes" &c. This was one of poor Artemus's jokes which 
 owed more of its success to its oddity than to its veracity. While lectur- 
 ing at the Egyptian Hall he wore a fashionably-cut dress-coat in the even- 
 ing. It was what he had never done during his lecture-career in the 
 States, and ha used privately to complain how uncomfortable he felt in 
 it. He assumed the most deplorable look when pointing out his costume 
 to his audience. His voice dropped into a moody, reflective tone, and 
 then suddenly passed into a much higher key when he commenced to 
 allude to " large fortunes." He seemed to have shaken off the embarrass- 
 ment of his fashionable clothes, and to be glad to pass on to another 
 subject. In the punctuation of the succeeding paragraph of the lecture, I 
 have endeavoured to convey an idea of the long pause he made between 
 some of his sentences. 
 
ARTEMUS WARLfS LECTURE. 25 
 
 How often do large fortunes ruin young men ! I g h o u 1 d 
 like to be ruined, but I can get on very well as I am. 
 
 I am not an Artist. I don't paint myself though, per- 
 haps, if I were a middle-aged single lady I should yet I have 
 
 a passion for pictures. 1 have had a great many pictures 
 
 photographs taken of myself. Some of them are very pretty 
 rather sweet to look at for a short time 
 and as I said before I like them. I Ve always loved pictures. 
 
 I could, draw on wood at a very tender age. When a mere 
 child I once drew a small cartload of raw tur- 
 nips over a wooden bridge. The people of the 
 
 village noticed me. I drew their attention. They 
 said I had a future before me. Up to that time I had an idea 
 it was behind me. 
 
 Time passed on. It always does, by the way. You may 
 possibly have noticed that Time passes on. 
 
 - It is a kind of way Time has. 
 
 I became a man. I haven't distinguished myself at all as 
 an artist but I have always been more or less mixed up with 
 Art. I have an uncle who takes photographs a n d I have 
 
 a Servant wh takes anything he can get his hands en. 
 
 When I was in Eome Rome in New York State, I mean 
 
 a distinguished sculpist wanted to sculp me. But I said 
 
 " No." I saw through the designing man. My model once in 
 his hands he would have flooded the market with my busts 
 
 and I couldn't stand it to see everybody going round with 
 
 a bust of me. Everybody would want one of course and 
 wherever I should go I should meet the educated classes with 
 my bust, taking it home to their families. This would 
 
 be more than my modesty could stand and 
 
 I should have to return to America where 
 
 my creditors are. 
 
 I like Art. I admire dramatic Art although I failed as an 
 actor. 
 
26 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 It was in my schoolboy days that I failed as an actor.* 
 
 The play was the " Kuins of Pompeii." 1 played the 
 
 Kuins. It was not a very successful performance but it 
 was better than the " Burning Mountain." He was not 
 
 good. He was a bad Vesuvius. 
 
 The remembrance often makes me ask " Where are the 
 
 boys of my youth ? " 1 assure you this is not a conundrum. 
 
 Some are amongst you here some in America 
 
 some are in gaol. 
 
 Hence arises a most touching question " Where are the 
 
 girls of my youth ? " Some are married s ome would 
 
 like to be. 
 
 Oh my Maria ! Alas ! she married another. They frequently 
 
 do. I hope she is happy b ecause I am. t Some people 
 
 are not happy. I have noticed that. 
 
 A gentleman friend of mine came to me one day with tears 
 in his eyes. I said " Why these weeps ? " He said he had a 
 mortgage on his farm and wanted to borrow 200. I lent 
 him the money and he went away. Some time after he re- 
 turned with more tears. He said he must leave me for ever. 
 I ventured to remind him of the 200 he borrowed. He was 
 much cut up. I thought I would not be hard upon him 
 so fcold him I would throw off one hundred pounds. He 
 brightened shook my hand and said "Old friend I 
 won't allow you to outdo me in liberality I'll throw off 
 the other hundred." 
 
 As a manager I was always rather more successful than as 
 an actor. 
 
 * " Failed as an actor" Artemus made many attempts as an amateur 
 actor, but never to his own satisfaction. He was very fond of the society 
 of actors and actresses. Their weaknesses amused him as much as their 
 talents excited his admiration. One of his favourite sayings was that the 
 world was made up of " men, women, and the people on the stage." 
 
 f* " Because I am I " Spoken with a sigh. It was a joke which always 
 told. Artemus never failed to use it in his " Babes in the Wood " lec- 
 ture, and the " Sixty Minutes in Africa," as well as in the Mormon story. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD *S LECTURE. a? 
 
 Some years ago I engaged a celebrated Living American 
 Skeleton for a tour through Australia. He was the thinnest 
 man I ever saw. He was a splendid skeleton. He didn't 
 
 weigh anything scarcely and I said to myself the people 
 
 of Australia will flock to see this tremendous curiosity. It is 
 a long voyage as you know from New York to Melbourne 
 and to my utter surprise the skeleton had no sooner got out 
 to sea than he commenced eating in the most horrible manner. 
 He had never been on the ocean before and he said it agreed 
 
 with him. 1 thought so ! 1 never saw a man eat so 
 
 much in my life. Beef mutton pork he swallowed them 
 
 all like a shark and between meals he was often dis- 
 covered behind barrels eating hard-boiled eggs. The result 
 was that when we reached Melbourne this infamous skeleton 
 weighed 64 pounds more than I did ! 
 
 I thought I was ruined but I wasn't. I took him on to 
 
 California another very long sea voyage and when I 
 
 got him to San Francisco I exhibited him as a Fat 
 Man.* 
 
 This story hasn't anything to do with my Entertainment, I 
 
 know but one of the principal features of my Entertainment 
 
 is that it contains SO many things that don't have anything to 
 do with it. 
 
 My Orchestra is small-: but I am sure it is very good so 
 
 far as it goes. I give my pianist ten pounds a 
 nigh t a nd his washin g.t 
 
 * "As a fat man." The reader need scarcely be informed that this 
 narrative is about as real as " A. Ward's Snaiks," and about as much 
 matter of fact as his journey through the States with a wax-work show. 
 
 f "My pianist," &c. That a good pianist could be hired for a small 
 sum in England was a matter of amusement to Artemus. More especially 
 when he found a gentleman obliging enough to play anything he desired, 
 such as break-downs and airs which had the most absurd relation to the 
 scene they were used to illustrate. In the United States his pianist was 
 desirous of playing music of a superior order, much against the consent of 
 the lecturer. 
 
28 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 I like Music. 1 can't sing. As a singist I am not a 
 
 success. I am saddest when I sing. So are those who 
 hear me. They are sadder even than I am. 
 
 The other night some silver-voiced young men came under 
 my window, and sang " Come where my love lies dreaming." 
 1 didn't go. I didn't think it would be cor- 
 rect. 
 
 I found music very soothing when I lay ill with fever in 
 
 Utah and I was very ill 1 was fearfully wasted. 
 
 My face was hewn down to nothing and my nose was so sharp 
 I didn't dare stick it into other people's business for fear 
 it would stay ther e and I should never get it again. 
 
 And on those dismal days a Mormon lady she was married 
 
 t ho' not somuch so as her husban d he had 
 
 fifteen other wives she used to sing a ballad commencing 
 
 " Sweet bird do not fly away ! " and I told her I wouldn't. 
 
 She played the accordion divinely accordionly I praised 
 
 her. 
 
 I met a man in Oregon who hadn't any teeth not a tooth 
 
 in his head y et that man could play on the 
 
 bass drum better than any man I ever met. 
 
 He kept a hotel. They have queer hotels in Oregon. I 
 
 remember one where they gave me a bag of oats for a pillow 
 1 had night mares of course. In the morn- 
 ing the landlord said How do you feel old hoss bay ^ - 
 I told him I felt my oats. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD 'S LECTURE. 29 
 
 "HERMIT * me now to quietly state that altho' I am here 
 Ji with my cap and bells, I am also here with some seri- 
 ous descriptions of the Mormons their manners their cus- 
 toms and while the pictures I shall present to your notice 
 
 are by no means works of art they are painted from photo- 
 graphs actually taken on the spot t and I am sure I need 
 
 not inform any person present who was ever in the territory 
 of Utah that they are as faithful as they could possibly be. J 
 I went to Great Salt Lake City by way of California. 
 
 * " Permit me now" Though the serious part of the lecture was here 
 entered upon, it was not delivered in a graver tone than that in which he 
 had spoken the farcicalities of the prologue. Most of the prefatory mat- 
 ter was given with an air of earnest thought ; the arms sometimes folded, 
 and the chin resting on one hand. On the occasion of his first exhibiting 
 the panorama at New York he used a fishing-rod to point out the picture 
 with ; subsequently he availed himself of an old umbrella. In the Egyp- 
 tian Hall he used his little riding-whip. 
 
 f " Photographs" They were photographed by Savage & Ottinger, of 
 Salt Lake City, the photographers to Brigham Young. 
 
 J Curtain. The picture was concealed from view during the first part 
 of the lecture by a crimson curtain. This was drawn together or opoued 
 many times in the course of the lecture, and at odd points of the picture. 
 I am not aware that Artemus himself could have explained why he caused 
 the curtain to be drawn at one place and not at another. Probably he 
 thought it to be one of his good jokes that it should shut in the picture 
 just when there was no reason for its being used. 
 
 " By way of California." That is, he went by steamer from New 
 York to Aspinwall, thence across the Isthmus of Panama by railway, and 
 then from Panama to California by another steamboat. A journey which 
 then occupied about three weeks, 
 
30 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 I went to California on the steamer Ariel. This is t 
 
 steamer Ariel. 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 Oblige me oy calmly gazing on the steamer Ariel a n d 
 
 when you go to California be sure and go 
 on some other steame r because the Ariel isn't a 
 
 very good one. 
 
 When I reached the Ariel at pier No. 4 New York I 
 found the passengers in a state of great confusion about their 
 things which were being thrown around by the ship's porters 
 
 in a manner at once damaging and idiotic. So great was 
 
 the excitement my fragile form was smashed this way and 
 jammed that way till finally I was shoved into a stateroom 
 which was occupied by two middle-aged females who said, 
 
 " Base man leave us Oh leave us ! " 1 left the m h 
 
 I left them! 
 We reached Accapulco, on the coast of Mexico, in due time. 
 
 Nothing of special interest occurred at Accapulco only 
 
 some of the Mexican ladies are very beautiful. They all have 
 
 brilliant black hair hair " black as starless night " i f I 
 
 may quote from the Family Her aid. It don't 
 
 curl. A Mexican's lady's hair never curls it ia 
 
 straight as an Indian's. Some people's hair won't curl under 
 
 any circumstances. My hair won't curl under two shillings.* 
 
 * " Under two shillings" Artemus always wore his hair straight until 
 after his severe illness in Salt Lake City. So much of it dropped off 
 during his recovery, that he became dissatisfied with the long meagre 
 appearance his countenance presented when he surveyed it in the looking- 
 glass. After his lecture at the Salt Lake City theatre, he did not lecture 
 again until we had crossed the Rocky Mountains and arrived at Denver 
 City, the capital of Colorado. On the afternoon he was to lecture there. 
 
THE STEAMER "ARIEL." 
 
 One of the United States Mail-line of Steamers from New York to Aspin- 
 wall. Being a supplemental boat only, its arrangements -were none of the best. 
 
 MONTGOMERY STREET, SAN FRANCISCO. 
 
 The main street of the chief city of California. It is built over what was 
 a few years ago a portion of the Bay of San Francisco. In digging up a 
 part of tke street, some time since, the excavators came upon the hull of an 
 old vessel full of chests of tea. The Chinaman in the foreground was pointed 
 out by the lecturer preparatory to his remarks on the Chinese theatre. 
 
VIRGINIA CITY, NEVADA. 
 
 When Artemus Ward paid his visit here, there was a. population of about 
 5,000, with three daily newspapers. Five years previously it had no 
 existence. It was the largest place between the Sierra Nevada Mountains 
 and Salt Lake City. (1863. ) 
 
 PLAINS BETWEEN VIRGINIA AND SALT LAKE. 
 
 Herbage on the plains of Nevada consists almost exclusively of the Sage- 
 Irush (Artemisia tridentata], the most dreary-looking of shrubs. The 
 leaves are of a leaden colour, and the stems are gnarled and why. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 31 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 The great thoroughfare of the imperial city of the Pacific 
 Coast. 
 
 The Chinese form a large element in the population of San 
 Francisco and I went to the Chinese Theatre. 
 
 A Chinese play often lasts two months. Commencing at 
 the hero's birth, it is cheerfully conducted from week to week 
 till he is either killed or married. 
 
 The night I was there a Chinese comic vocalist sang a 
 Chinese comic song. It took him six weeks to finish it but, 
 as my time was limited, I went away at the expiration of 215 
 verses. There were 11,000 verses to this song the chorus 
 
 being " Tural lural dural, ri fol day " which was repeated 
 
 twice at the end of each verse making as you will at once 
 
 see the appalling number of 22,000 " tural lural dural, ri fol 
 days" and the man still lives. 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 Virginia City in the bright new State of Nevada.* 
 
 I met him coming out of an ironmonger's store with a small parcel in his 
 hand. " I want you, old fellow," he said ; " I have been all round the 
 eity for them, and I 've got them at last." " Got what ? " I asked. " A 
 pair of curling-tonga. I am going to have my hair curled to lecture in 
 to-night. I mean to cross the Plains in curls. Come home with me, and 
 try to curl it for me. I don't want to go to any idiot of a barber, to be 
 laughed at." I played the part of friseur. Subsequently he became hia 
 own " curlist," as he phrased it. From that day forth Artemus was a 
 curlj*-haired man. 
 
 * " Virginia City" The view of Virginia 'City given in the panorama 
 conveyed a very poor idea of the marvellous capital of the silver recrioa of 
 
32 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 A wonderful little city right in the heart of the famous 
 Washoe silver regions r- the mines of which annually pro- 
 Nevada. Artemus caused the curtain to close up between his view of San 
 Francisco and that of Virginia City, as a simple means of conveying an 
 idea of the distance travelled between. To arrive at the city of silver we 
 had to travel from San Francisco to Sacramento by steamboat, thence 
 from Sacramento to Folsom by railroad, then by coach to Placerville. At 
 Placerville we commenced the ascent of the Sierra Nevada, gaining the 
 summit of Johnson's Pass about four o'clock in the morning ; thence we 
 descended ; skirted the shores of Lake Tahoe, and arrived at Carson City, 
 where Artemus lectured. From Carson, the next trip was across an arid 
 plain, to the great silver region. Empire City, the first place we struck, 
 was composed of about fifty wooden houses and three or four quartz mills. 
 Leaving it behind us, we pass throxigh the Devil's Gate a grand ravine, 
 with precipitous mountains on each side ; then we came to Silver City, 
 Gold Hill, and Virginia. The road was all up-hill. Virginia City itself is 
 built on a ledge cut out of the side of Mount Davidson, which rises some 
 9000 feet above the sea level the city being about half way up its side. 
 To Artemus Ward the wild character of the scenery, the strange manners 
 of the red-shirted citizens, and the odd developments of life met with in 
 that uncouth mountain-town were all replete with interest. We staye I 
 there about a week. During the time of our stay he explored every part 
 of the place, met many old friends from the Eastern States, and formed 
 many new acquaintances, with some of whom acquaintance ripened into 
 warm friendship. Among the latter was Mr Samuel L. Clemens, now 
 well known as " Mark Twain." He was then sub-editing one of the three 
 papers published daily in Virginia The Territorial Enterprise. Artemus 
 detected in the writings of Mark Twain the indications of great humorous 
 power, and strongly advised the writer to seek a better field for'his talents. 
 Since then he has become a well-known New York lecturer and author. 
 With Mark Twain, Artemus made a descent into the Gould and Curry 
 Silver Mine at Virginia, the largest mine of the kind, I believe, in the 
 world. The account of the descent formed a long and very amusing 
 article in the next morning's Enterprise. To wander about the town and 
 note its strange developments occupied Artemus incessantly. I was sitting 
 writing letters at the hotel when he came in hurriedly, and requested me 
 to go out with him. " Come and see some joking much better than 
 mine," said he. He led me to where one of Wells, Fargo, & Co.'s express 
 waggons was being rapidly filled with silver bricks. Ingots of the precious 
 metal, each almost as large as an ordinary brick, were being thrown from 
 one man to another to load the waggon, just as bricks or cheese* we tramv 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 33 
 
 ince over twenty-five millions of solid silver. This silver is 
 melted into solid bricks of about the size of ordinary house- 
 
 f erred from hand to hand by carters in England. " Good old jokes those, 
 Kingston. Good, solid ' Babes in the Wood, '" observed Artemus. Yet 
 that evening he lectured in " Maguire's Opera House," Virginia City, to 
 an audience composed chiefly of miners, and the receipts were not far 
 short of eight hundred dollars. A droll building it was to be called an 
 " Opera House," and to bear that designation in a place so outlandish. 
 Perched up on the side of a mountain, from the windows of the dressing- 
 rooms a view could be had of fifty miles of the American desert. It was 
 an "Opera House ;" yet in the plain beneath it there were Indians who 
 still led the life of savages, and carried dried human scalps attached to 
 their girdles. It was an " Opera House ;" yet, for many hundred miles 
 around it, Nature wore the roughest, sternest, and most barren of aspects 
 no tree, no grass, no shrub, but the colourless and dreary sage-brush. 
 Every piece of timber, every brick, and every stone in that " Opera 
 House" had been brought from California, over those snow-capped Sierras, 
 which, but a few years before, had been regarded as beyond the last out- 
 posts of civilisation. Every singer who had sung, and every actor who 
 had performed at that " Opera House," had been whirled down the sidea 
 of the Nevada mountains, clinging to the coach-top, and mentally vowing 
 never again to trust the safety of his neck on any such professional 
 excursion. The drama has been very plucky "out West." Thalia, Mel- 
 pomene, and Euterpe become young ladies of great animal spirits and 
 fearless daring when they feel the fresh breezes of the Pacific blowing in 
 their faces. At Virginia City we purchased black felt shirts half an inch 
 thick, and gray blankets of ample size to keep us warm for the journey we 
 were about to undertake. We invested also in revolvers to defend our- 
 selves against the Indians ; a dozen cold roasb fowls to eat on the way ; a 
 demijohn of Bourbon whisky, and a bagful of unground coffee. This last 
 was about as useful as any of our purchases. Thus provided, we started 
 across the desert on our way to Reese River, and thence to Salt Lake City. 
 Our coach was a fearfully lumbering old vehicle of great strength, con- 
 structed for jolting over rocky ledges, plunging into marshy swamps, and 
 for rolling through miles of sand. The horses were small and wiry, accus- 
 tomed to the country, and able to exist on anything which it is possible 
 for a horse to eat. There were four of us in the coach. The " Pioneer 
 Company's " man who drove us was full of whisky and good-humour when 
 he mounted the box ; and singing in chorus, " Jordan's a hard road to travel 
 on," we bowled down the slope of Mount Davidson towards the deserts of 
 Nevada, en route for New Pass Station, 
 
 C 
 
34 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 bricks and carted off to San Francisco with mules. The 
 roads often swarm with these silver waggons. 
 
 One hundred and seventy-five miles to the east of this place 
 are the Reese River Silver Mines which are supposed to be 
 the richest in the world. 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 The great American Desert in winter- time the desert 
 
 which is so frightfully gloomy always. No trees no houses 
 
 no people save the miserable beings who live in wretched 
 
 huts and have charge of the horses and mules of the Overland 
 Mail Company. 
 
 This picture is a great work of art. It is an oil painting 
 
 d one in petroleum. It is by the Old Masters. It 
 was the last thing they did before dying. They did this 
 and then they expired. 
 
 The most celebrated artists of London are so delighted with 
 this picture that they come to the Hall every day to gaze at 
 it. I wish you were nearer to it so you could see it better. 
 I wish I could take it to your residences and let you see it by 
 daylight. Some of the greatest artists in London come here 
 every morning before daylight with lanterns to look at. 
 They say they never saw anything like it 
 
 b e f O r e and they hope they never shall again. 
 
 When I first showed this picture in New York, the audience 
 were so enthusiastic in their admiration of this picture that 
 
 they called for the Artist and when he 
 
 appeared they threw brickbats at him.* 
 
 * " TJirew brickbats at him." This portion of the panorama was very 
 badly painted. When the idea of having a panorama was first enter- 
 tained by Artemus, he wished to have one of great artistic merit. Find- 
 ing considerable difficulty in procuring one, and also discovering that th 
 cxnense of a real work of art would be beyond his naeane, he resolved on 
 
PART OF SALT LAKE CITY. 
 
 VIEWED FROM A DISTANCE. 
 
 The City is laid out in squares : each house standing on an acre and a 
 quarter of ground, with a canal of clear water flowing in front, (This 
 picture joins on the one which follows it.} 
 
 SALT LAKE CITY. 
 
 FROM THE HEIGHTS BEHIND IT. 
 
 The building in the foreground is the Mormon arsenal. To the right, in 
 the mid-distance, is the River Jordan, flowing from Lake Utah to the Salt 
 Lake. The valley through which the Jordanflows is one of the most fertile, 
 on the North American continent. 
 
MAIN STREET, SALT LAKE CITY. 
 
 
 The building to the extreme ri%ht is the House of Legislature, where the- 
 representatives of the territory of Utah hold their meetings. The second 
 house on the right is the Post Office. Main Street is i^zfeet in breadth. 
 
 THE SALT LAKE HOUSE. 
 
 The hotel in Salt Lake City at which A rfemus Ward stepped during his six 
 weeks' stay, and where he was seized with illness. In the distance are f/ie- 
 Wahsatch Mountains. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 35 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 A bird's-eye-view of Great Salt Lake City the strange 
 
 city in the Desert about which so much has been heard the 
 
 city of the people who call themselves Saints.* 
 
 I know there is much interest taken in these remarkable 
 
 people ladies and gentlemen and I have thought it better 
 
 to make the purely descriptive part of my Entertainment 
 
 entirely serious 1 will not then for the next ten minutes 
 
 confine myself to my subject. 
 
 having a very bad one, or one so bad in parts that its very badness would 
 give him scope for jest. In the small towns of the Western States it 
 passed very well for a first-class picture, but what it was really worth in 
 an artistic point of view its owner was very well aware. 
 
 * "Salt Lake City." Our stay in the Mormon capital extended over six 
 weeks. So cheerless was the place in midwinter, that we should not have 
 stayed half that time had not Arteinus Ward succumbed to an attack of 
 typhoid fever almost as soon as we arrived. The incessant travel by night 
 and day, the depressing effect produced by intense cold, travelling through 
 leagues of snow and fording half -frozen rivers at midnight, the excitement 
 of passing through Indian country, and some slight nervous apprehension 
 of how he would be received among the Mormons, considering that he 
 had ridiculed them in a paper published some time before, all conspired to 
 produce the illness which resulted. Fever of the typhoid form is not un- 
 common in Utah. Probably the rarefaction of the air en a plateau four 
 thousand feet above the sea level has something to do with its frequency. 
 Artemus's fears relative to the cordiality of his reception proved to be 
 groundless, for during the period of his being ill he was carefully tended. 
 Brigham Young commissioned Mr Stenhouse, postmaster to the city and 
 Elder of the Mormon Church, to visit him frequently and supply him with 
 whatever he required. One of the two wives of Mr Townsend, landlord 
 of the Salt Lake House, the hotel where we stopped, was equally as kind. 
 Whatever the feelings of the Mormons were towards poor Artemus, they 
 at least treated him with sympathetic hospitality . Even Mr Porter Rock- 
 well, who is known as one of the " Avenging Angels," or " Danite Band," 
 and who is reported to have made away with some seventeen or eighteen 
 enemies of the " Saints," came and sat by the bedside of the sufferer, 
 detailing to him some of the little " difficulties " he had experienced ii> 
 effectually silencing the unbelievers of times past. 
 
36 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 Some seventeen years ago, a small band of Mormons 
 headed by Brigham Young commenced in the present thrifty 
 metropolis of Utah. The population of the territory of Utah 
 
 is over 100,000 chiefly Mormons and they are increasing 
 
 at the rate of from five to ten thousand annually. The con- 
 verts to Mormonism now are almost exclusively confined to 
 English and Germans. Wales and Cornwall have contri- 
 buted largely to the population of Utah during the last few 
 years. The population of Great Salt Lake City is 20,000. 
 
 The streets are eight rods wide * and are neither flagged 
 
 nor paved. A stream of pure mountain spring water courses 
 through each street and is conducted into the gardens of the 
 Mormons. The houses are mostly of adobe or sun-dried 
 
 brick and present a neat and comfortable appearance. 
 
 They are usually a story and a half high. Now and then you 
 
 Bee a fine modern house in Salt Lake City but no house 
 
 that is dirty, shabby, and dilapidated because there are no 
 absolutely poor people in Utah. Every Mormon has a nice 
 
 garden and every Mormon has a tidy dooryard. Neat* 
 
 ness is a great characteristic of the Mormons. 
 
 The Mormons profess to believe that they are the chosen 
 
 people of God they call themselves Latter-day Saints 
 
 and they call us people of the outer world Gentiles. They 
 
 say that Mr Brigham Young is a prophet the legitimate suc- 
 cessor of Joseph Smith, who founded the Mormon religion. 
 They also say they are authorised by special revelation from 
 Heaven to marry as many wives as they can comfortably 
 support. 
 
 This wife system they call plurality the world calls it 
 
 polygamy. That, at its best, it is an accursed thing I need 
 
 not, of course, inform you but you will bear in mind 
 
 that I am here as a rather cheerful reporter of what I saw in 
 Utah and I fancy it isn't at all necessary for me to grow 
 
 * Equal to sixty-four feet wide. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 37 
 
 virtuously indignant over something we all know is hideously 
 wrong. 
 
 You will be surprised to hear I was amazed to see that 
 among the Mormon women there are some few persons of 
 education of positive cultivation. As a class the Mormons 
 
 are not an educated people but they are by no means the 
 
 community of ignoramuses so many writers have told us they 
 were. 
 
 The valley in which they live is splendidly favoured. They 
 raise immense crops. They have mills of all kinds. They have 
 coal lead and silver mines. All they eat all they drink 
 all they wear- they can produce themselves and still have a 
 great abundance to sell to the gold regions of Idaho on the one* 
 hand and the silver regions of Nevada on the other. 
 
 The President of this remarkable community the head of 
 
 the Mormon Church is Brigham Young. He is called 
 
 President Young and Brother Brigham. He is about fifty-four 
 years old although he doesn't look to be over forty-five. He 
 
 has sandy hair arid whiskers is of medium height and 
 
 is a little inclined to corpulency. He was born in the State of 
 Vermont. His power is more absolute than that of any living 
 
 sovereign yet he uses it with such consummate discretion 
 
 that his people are almost madly devoted to him and that 
 they would cheerfully, die for him if they thought the sacrifice 
 were demanded I cannot doubt. 
 
 He is a man of enormous wealth. One-tenth of everything 
 
 sold in the territory of Utah goes to the Church- and Mr 
 
 Brigham Young is the Church, It is supposed that he specu- 
 lates with these funds at all events, he is one of the 
 
 wealthiest men now living worth several millions with- 
 out doubt. He is a bold bad man but that he is also 
 
 a man of extraordinary administrative ability no one can doubt 
 who has watched his astounding career for the past ten years. 
 It is only fair for me to add that he treated me with marked 
 kindness during my sojourn in Utah. 
 
38 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 The West Side of Main Street Salt Lake City including 
 
 a view of the Salt Lake Hotel. It is a temperance hotel.* 
 
 I prefer temperance hotels alt ho' they sell worse 
 liquor than any other kind of hotels. But the 
 
 Salt Lake Hotel sells none nor is there a bar in all Salt 
 
 Lake City but I found when I was thirsty and I gene- 
 rally am that I could get some very good brandy of one of 
 the Elders on the sly and I never on any account allow my 
 
 business to interfere with my drinking. 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 There is the Overland Mail Coach. t That is, the den on 
 
 wheels in which we have been crammed for the past ten days 
 
 * " Temperance hotel. " At the date of our visit, there was only one 
 place in Salt Lake City where strong drink was allowed to be sold. Brig- 
 ham Young himself owned the property, and vended the liquor by whole- 
 sale, not permitting any of it to be drunk on the premises. It was a 
 coarse, inferior kind of whisky, known in Salt Lake as " Valley Tan." 
 Throughout the city there was no drinking-bar nor billiard-room, so far 
 as I am aware. But a drink on the sly could always be had at one of the 
 hard-goods stores, in the back office behind the pile of metal saucepans ; 
 or at one of the dry-goods stores, in the little parlour in the rear of the 
 bales of calico. At the present time I believe that there are two or three 
 open bars in Salt Lake, Brigham Young having recognised the right of the 
 "Saints" to" liquor up" occasionally. But whatever other failings they 
 may have, intemperance cannot be laid to their charge. Among the Mor- 
 mons there are no paupers, no gamblers, and no drunkards. 
 
 f*" Overland mail coach." From Virginia City to Salt Lake we travelled 
 in the coaches of the " Pioneer Stage Company." In leaving Salt Lake for 
 Denver we changed to those of the " Overland Stage Company," of which 
 the renowned Ben Holliday is proprietor, a gentleman whose name on the 
 Plains is better known than that of any other man in America. 
 
MAIN STREET, SALT LAKE CITY. 
 
 This picture is a continuation of the preceding one. The room in winch 
 .Artemus Ward resided was that in the white part of the house, under the 
 Verandah, The hotel was kept by Mr. James Townsend, a Mormon. 
 
 THE COACH TO SALT LAKE. 
 
 In the panorama, the Coach is made a much more sightly object than it 
 really was. Instedd of looking like a respectable omnibus, it was a huge 
 jolting affair of cumbrous proportions, with sad arrangements for internal 
 comfort. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD^S LECTURE. 39 
 
 and ten nights. Those of you who have been in Newgate* 
 
 a nd stayed there any length of tim e a s 
 
 visitor s can realise how I felt. 
 
 The American Overland Mail Koute commences at Sacra- 
 mento California and ends at Atchison Kansaa. The 
 
 distance is two thousand two hundred miles but you go 
 
 part of the way by rail. The Pacific Rail way t is now com- 
 
 * " Been in Newgate." The manner in which Artemus uttered this joke 
 was peculiarly characteristic of his style of lecturing. The commencement 
 of the sentence was spoken as if unpremeditated ; then, when he had got 
 as far as the word " Newgate," he paused, as if wishing to call back that 
 which he had said. The applaiase was unfailingly uproarious. Travelling 
 through the States, he used to say, " Those of you who have been in the 
 Penitentiary." On the morning after his lecture at Pittsburg, in Penn- 
 sylvania, he was waited on by a tall, gaunt, dark-haired man, of sour aspect 
 and sombre demeanour, who carried in his hand a hickory walking-cane, 
 which he grasped very menacingly, as addressing Artemus he said, " I 
 guess you are the gentleman who lect'red last night ? " Mr Ward replied 
 in the affirmative. " Then I 've got to have satisfaction from you. I 
 took my wife and her sister to hear you lecter, and you insulted them." 
 " Excuse me," said Artemus. " I went home immediately the lecture 
 was over, and had no conversation with any lady in the hall that evening/' 
 The visitor grew more angry. " Hold thar, Mr Lect'rer. You told my wife 
 and her sister that they'd been in the Penitentiary. I must have satis- 
 faction for the insult, and I 'in come to get it." Artemus was hesitating 
 how to reply, when the hotel clerk suddenly appeared upon the scene, 
 saying, " I 've a good memory for voices. You are Mr Josiah Mertin, I 
 believe ?" " I am," was the reply. " And I am the late clerk of the Girard 
 House, Philadelphia. There 's a little board-bill of yours owing there for 
 ninety-two dollars and a half. You skedaddled without paying. Will 
 you oblige me by waiting till I send for an officer ? " I believe that 
 Mr Josiah Mertin did not even wait for " satisfaction." 
 
 t "The Pacific Railway" The journey was made in the winter of 
 1863-4. By the time these notes appear in print the Pacific Railway will 
 
40 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 pleted from Sacramento California to Fulsom California 
 
 which only leaves two thousand two hundred and eleven 
 
 miles to go by coach. This breaks the monotony 
 it came very near breaking my back. 
 
 (Pointing to Panomma.) 
 
 The Mormon Theatre. This edifice is the exclusive pro- 
 perty of Brigham Young. It will comfortably hold three 
 thousand persons and I beg you will believe me when I in- 
 form you that its interior is quite as brilliant as that of 
 any theatre in London.* 
 
 The actors are all Mormon amateurs, who charge nothing 
 for their services. 
 
 be almost complete from the banks of the Missouri to those of the Sacra- 
 mento, and travellers will soon be able to make the transit of over three 
 thousand miles^ from New York City to the capital of California, without 
 leaving the railway car, except to cross a ferry, or to change from one 
 station to another. 
 
 * "Brilliant as that of any theaire in London." Herein Artemua 
 slightly exaggerated. The colouring of the theatre was white and gold, but 
 it was inefficiently lighted with oil lamps. When Brigham Young himself 
 showed us round the theatre, he pointed out, as an instance of his own 
 ingenuity, that the central chandelier was formed out of the wheel of one 
 of his old coaches. The house is now, I believe, lighted with gas. Alto- 
 gether it is a very wondrous edifice, considering where it is built ard who 
 were the builders. At the time of its erection there was no other theatre 
 on the northern part of the American plateau, no building for a similar 
 purpose anywhere for five hundred miles, north, east, south, or west. 
 Many a theatre in the provincial towns of England is not half so substan- 
 tially built, nor one-tithe part so well appointed. The dressing rooms, 
 wardrobe, tailors' workshop, carpenters' shop, paint room, and library, 
 leave scarcely anything to be desired in their completeness. Brigham 
 Young's son-in-law, Mr Hiram Clawson, the manager, and Mr John Cane, 
 the stage manager, if they came to London, might render good service at 
 one or two of our metropolitan playhouses. 
 
THE MORMON THEATRE. 
 
 Artemus Ward lectured in this theatre on " The Babes in the Wood.' 
 It was built by Brigham Young, and was his property. 
 
 UPPER PART OF MAIN STREET. 
 
 On the left is a portion of the enclosure wherein the new Temple is being- 
 built. On the right, part of the grounds belonging to the second in command 
 in the Mormon Church Mr. Heber C. Kimball. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD^S LECTURE. 41 
 
 You must know that very little money is taken at the doors 
 of this theatre. The Mormons mostly pay in grain and all 
 sorts of articles. 
 
 The night I gave my little lecture there among my receipts 
 
 were corn flour pork cheese chickens on foot 
 
 and in the shell. 
 
 One family went in on a live pig and a man attempted to 
 
 pass a " yaller dog " at the Box Office but my agent repulsed 
 
 him. One offered me a doll for admission another infants' 
 
 clothing. 1 refused to take that. A s a general 
 
 rule I do refuse. 
 
 In the middle of the parquet in a rocking-chair with his 
 hat on sits Brigham Young. When the play drags he 
 either goes out or falls into a tranquil sleep. 
 
 A portion of the dress circle is set apart for the wives of 
 Brigham Young. From ten to twenty of them are usually 
 present. His children fill the entire gallery 
 and more too. 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 The East Side of Main Street Salt Lake City with a 
 
 view of the Council Building. The Legislature of Utah 
 
 meets there. It is like all legislative bodies. They meet this 
 winter to repeal the laws which they met and made last 
 
 winter and they will meet next winter to repeal the laws 
 
 which they met and made this winter. 
 
 I dislike to speak about i t but it was in 
 
 Utah that I made the great speech of my life. I wish you could 
 have heard it. I have a fine education. You may have 
 
 noticed it. I speak six different languages London 
 
 Chatham and Dover Margate Brighton and Hastings. 
 
 My parents sold a cow and sent me to college when I was 
 quite young. During the vacation I used to teach a school of 
 
42 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 whales and there 's where I learned to spout. 1 don't ex- 
 pect applause for a little thing like that. I wish you could 
 have heard that speech however. If Cicero he 's dead now 
 
 he has gone from us but if Old Ciss* could have 
 
 heard that effort it would have given him the rinderpest. I '11 
 tell you how it was. There are stationed in Utah two regi- 
 ments of U. S. troops the 21st from California and the 
 
 37th from Nevada. The 20-onesters asked me to present a 
 
 stand of colours to the 37-sters and I did it in a speech so 
 
 abounding in eloquence of a bold and brilliant character 
 
 and also some sweet talk real pretty shopkeeping talk 
 
 that I worked the enthusiasm of those 
 
 soldiers up to such a pitc h that they came very 
 
 near shooting me on the spot.t 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 Brigham Young's Harem. These are the houses of 
 
 * " Old Ciss." Here again no description can adequately inform the 
 reader of the drollery which characterised the lecturer. His reference to 
 Cicero was made in the most lugubrious manner, as if he really deplored 
 his death and valued him as a schoolfellow loved and lost. 
 
 f- " United States troops." Our stay in Utah was rendered especially 
 pleasant by the attentions of the regiment of California Cavalry, then sta- 
 tioned at Fort Douglas in the Wahsatch Mountains, three miles beyond 
 and overlooking the city. General Edward O'Connor, the United States 
 Military Governor of Utah, was especially attentive to the wants of poor 
 Artemus during his severe illness ; and had it not been for the kind atten- 
 tions of Dr Williams, the surgeon to the regiment, I doubt if the invalid 
 would have recovered. General O'Connor had then been two years 
 stationed in Utah, but during the whole of that time had refused to have 
 any personal communication with Brigham Young. The Mormon pro- 
 phet would sit in his private box, and the United States general occupy a 
 seat in the dress-circle of the theatre. They would look at each other 
 frequently through their opera-glasses, but that constituted their whole 
 intimacy. 
 
BRIGHAM YOUNG'S PALACE. 
 
 To the extreme left is the Lion House. ( There is a lion over one of th& 
 windows.} It is the harem of the prophet. Every "wife" who inhabits it 
 has a room similarly furnished. They meet in common on the verandah. 
 Brigham Young himself lives with his favourite in the large middle house. 
 The building with the tower to it on the right is the school house, for the 
 education of the prophet' s children only. 
 
 MR. HEBER C. KIMBALL'S HAREM. 
 
 The seraglio of Mr. Kimball is large. Unlike Brigham Young, he does 
 not keep his wives under one roof, but has many buildings in his garden, 
 where he assorts them according to their temper and their adaptability to di^ell 
 ing together in peace. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 43 
 
 Brigham Young. The first on the right is the Lion House 
 so called because a crouching stone lion adorns the central 
 front window. The adjoining small building is Brigham 
 
 Young's office and where he receives his visitors. The 
 
 large house in the centre of the picture which displays a 
 
 huge bee-hive is called the Bee House the bee-hive is 
 
 supposed to be symbolical of the industry of the Mormons. 
 Mrs Brigham Young the first now quite an old lady 
 lives here with her children. None of the other wives of the 
 prophet live here. In the rear are the school-houses where 
 Brigham Young's children are educated. 
 
 Brigham Young has two hundred wives. Just think oi 
 that! Oblige me by thinking of that. That is he has eighty 
 actual wives, and he is spiritually married to one hundred and 
 twenty more. These spiritual marriages as the Mormons 
 call them are contracted with aged widows who think it 
 
 a. great honour to be sealed the Mormons call it being 
 
 sealed to the Prophet. 
 
 So we may say he has two hundred wives. He loves 
 not wisel y b ut two hundred well. He is dread- 
 fully married. He's the most married man I ever saw in my 
 life. 
 
 I saw his mother-in-law while I was there. I can't ex- 
 actly tell you how many there is of he r but 
 it's a good deal. It strikes me that one mother-in-law is 
 about enough to have in a family unless you're very fond 
 
 of excitement. 
 
 A few days before my arrival in Utah Brigham was mar- 
 ried again to a young and really pretty girl * but he 
 
 says he shall stop now. He told me confidentially that he 
 shouldn't get married any more. He says that all he wants 
 now is to live in peace for the remainder of his days and 
 have his dying pillow soothed by the loving hands of his 
 
 * " A really pretty girl." The daughter of the architect of his new 
 theatre. 
 
 
44 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 family. Well that 's all right that '& all right I suppose 
 
 but if all his family soothe his dying 
 p i 1 1 o w h e'll have to go out-doors to die. 
 
 By the way Shakespeare endorses polygamy. He speaks 
 
 of the Merry Wives of Windsor. How many wives did 
 Mr Windsor have 1 But we will let this pass. 
 
 Some of these Mormons have terrific families. I lectured 
 one night by invitation in the Mormon village of Provost 
 
 but during the day I rashly gave a leading Mormon an 
 
 order admitting himself and family. 1 1 was before I 
 
 knew that he was much married and they 
 
 filled the room to overflowing. It was a great suc- 
 c e s s b ut I didn't get any money. 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama). 
 
 Heber C. KimbalPs Harem. Mr C. Kimball is the first 
 
 vice-president of the Mormon Church and would conse- 
 quently succeed to the full presidency on Brigham Young's 
 death. 
 
 Brother Kimball is a gay and festive cuss of some seventy 
 
 summers or some 'ers there about. He has one 
 
 thousand head of cattle and a hundred 
 head of wives.* He says they are awful eaters. 
 
 Mr Kimball had a son a lovely young man who 
 
 was married to ten interesting wives. But one day while 
 
 he was absent from home these ten wives went 
 
 out walking with a handsome young man 
 
 * "A hundred head of wives." It is an authenticated fact that, in an 
 address to his congregation in the Tabernacle, Heber C. Kimball once 
 alluded to his wives by the endearing epithet of "my heifers;" and on 
 another occasi on politely spoke of them as " his cows." The phraseology 
 may possibly be a slight indication of the refinement of manners prevalent 
 in Salt Lake City. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 45 
 
 which so enraged Mr Kimball's son which made Mr 
 Kimball's son so jealous that he shot himself with a horse 
 pistuel. 
 
 The doctor who attended him a very scientific man 
 
 informed me that the bullet entered the inner parallelogram 
 of his diaphragmatic thorax, superinducing membranous 
 hemorrhage in the outer cuticle of his basiliconthamaturgist. 
 It killed him. I should have thought it would. 
 
 (Soft music.) * 
 
 I hope this sad end will be a warning to all young wives 
 who go out walking with handsome young men. Mr Kim- 
 ball's son is now no more. He sleeps beneath the 
 cypress the myrtle and the willow. This 
 music is a dirge by the eminent pianist for Mr Kimball's son. 
 He died by request. 
 
 I regret to say that efforts were made to make a Mormon of 
 me while I was in Utah. 
 
 It was leap-year when I was there and seventeen young 
 
 widows the wives of a deceased Mormon offered me 
 
 their hearts and hands. I called on them one day and 
 
 taking their soft white hands in mine w hich made 
 
 eighteen hands altogethe r 1 found them in 
 
 tears. 
 
 And I said " Why is this thus ? What is the reason of 
 this thusness ? " 
 
 They hove a sigh seventeen sighs of different size. They 
 
 said 
 
 " Oh soon thou wilt be gonested away ! " 
 
 I told them that when I got ready to leave a place I 
 wentested. 
 
 * " Soft music." Here Artemus Ward's pianist (following instructions) 
 sometimes played the " Dead March from Saul." At other times, the 
 Welsh air of " Poor Mary Anne, " or anything else replete with sadness 
 which might char"*j to strike his fancy. The effect was irresistibly comic, 
 
46 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 They said " Doth not like us < \ " 
 
 I said "I doth 1 doth!" 
 
 I also said " I hope your intentions are honourable as I 
 am a lone child my parents being far far away." 
 
 They then said " Wilt not marry us ? " 
 
 I said " Oh no it cannot was." 
 
 Again they asked me to marry them and again I declined. 
 When they cried 
 
 " Oh cruel man ! This is too much oh ! too much ! " 
 
 I told them that it was on account of the 
 muchness that I declined.* 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 This is the Mormon Temple. 
 
 It is built of adobe and will hold five thousand persons 
 quite comfortably. A full brass and string band often assists 
 
 the choir of this church and the choir I may add is a 
 
 remarkably good one. 
 
 Brigham Young seldom preaches now. The younger elders 
 
 unless on some special occasions conduct the services. 
 
 I only heard Mr Young once. He is not an educated man 
 
 but speaks with considerable force and clearness. The 
 
 day I was there there was nothing coarse in his remarks. 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 The foundations of the Temple. 
 
 These are the foundations of the magnificent Temple the 
 
 * " Tliat I declined. " I remember one evening-party in Salt Lake City to 
 which Artemus Ward and myself went. There were thirty-nine ladies and 
 only seven gentlemen. 
 
TABERNACLE AND BOWERY. 
 
 The Tabernacle is the building to the left ; to the right of it, and within the 
 same enclosure, is the Bowery, a large shed with boughs of trees laid o-ver it, 
 the sides being open. In it religious services are held during the summer 
 months. 
 
 FOUNDATIONS OF THE NEW TEMPLE. 
 
 From this picture and that which succeeds may be formed some idea of how 
 far the building of the new Temple had progressed at the time of the lecturer s 
 visit. The stones were being shaped into form by masons who contributed 
 their labour gratuitously. 
 
 8 
 
FOUNDATIONS OF THE TEMPLE. 
 CONTINUE?* 
 
 The block is forty rods square, and contains ten acres. The position is 
 4,yx>feet above the level of the sea in latitude 40 45' 44" N>, and longitude 
 112 6' 8" W. of Greenwich. 
 
 THE TEMPLE AS IT IS TO BE. 
 
 The view is copied from the original drawing by Mr. Truman 0. 
 Angell, the Architect. 
 
 9 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 47 
 
 Mormons are building. It is to be built of hewn stone and 
 will cover several acres of ground. They say it shall eclipse 
 in splendour all other temples in the world. They also say it 
 shall be paved with solid gold.* 
 
 It is perhaps worthy of remark that the architect of this 
 contemplated gorgeous affair repudiated Mormonism and is 
 now living in London. 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 The Temple as it is to be. 
 
 This pretty little picture is from the architect's design 
 
 and cannot therefore I suppose be called a fancy si? etch. t 
 
 Should the Mormons continue unmolested I think they 
 will complete this rather remarkable edifice. 
 
 " Solid gold" " Where will the gold be obtained from ? " is a question 
 which the visitor might reasonably be expected to ask. Unquestionably 
 the mountains of Utah contain the precious metal, though it has not been 
 the policy of Brigham Young and the chiefs of the Mormon Church to 
 disclose their knowledge of the localities in which it is to be found. 
 There is a current report in Salt Lake City that nuggets of gold have been 
 picked up within a radius of a few score of miles from the site of the 
 new temple. But the Mormons, instructed by their Church, profess 
 ignorance on the subject. The discovery of large gold mines, and per- 
 mission to work them, would attract to the valley of Salt Lake a class of 
 visitors not wished for by Brigham Young and his disciples. Next to the 
 construction of the Pacific Railway, nothing would be more conducive to 
 the downfall of Mormonism than Utah becoming known as an extensive 
 gold-field. * 
 
 f " A fancy sketch." Artemus had the windows of the temple in his 
 panorama cut out and filled in with transparent coloured paper, so that, 
 when lighted from behind, it had the effect of one of the little plaster 
 churches, with a piece of lighted candle inside, which the Italian image- 
 boys display at times for sale in the streets. Nothing in the course of the 
 evening pleased Artemus more than to notice the satisfaction with which 
 this meretricious piece of absurdity was received by the audience. 
 
48 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 Great Salt Lake. The great salt dead sea of the desert. 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 I know of no greater curiosity than this inland sea of thick 
 brine. It is eighty miles wide and one hundred and thirty 
 miles long. Solid masses of salt are daily washed ashore in 
 immense heaps and the Mormon in want of salt has only to 
 go to the shore of this lake and fill his cart. Only the salt 
 for table use has to be subjected to a boiling process.* 
 
 These are facts susceptible of the clearest possible proof 
 They tell one story about this lake however that I have my 
 doubts about. They say a Mormon farmer drove forty head 
 of cattle in there once a nd they came- out first- 
 rate pickled beef. 
 
 I sincerely hope you will excuse my absence 1 am a man 
 
 short and have to work the moon myself, t 
 
 * "The Great Salt Lake." A very general mistake prevails among those 
 not better informed, that the Mormon capital is built upon the borders of 
 the Salt Lake. There are eighteen miles of distance between them. Not 
 from any part of the city proper can a view of the lake be obtained. To 
 get a glimpse of it without journeying towards it, the traveller must ascend 
 to one of the rocky ledges in the range of mountains which back the city. 
 So saline is the water of the lake, that three pailsful of it are said to yield 
 on evaporation one pailful of salt. I never saw the experiment tried. 
 
 f "The moon myself." Here Artemus would leave the rostrum fora 
 few moments, and pretend to be engaged behind. The picture was painted 
 for a night scene, and the effect iuteuded to be produced was that of the 
 
PART OF THE GREAT SALT LAKE. 
 
 L - 
 
 It is situated in the north-eastern corner of Utah Territory, to the north- 
 west of the valley of Salt Lake, and about eighteen miles from the city. Its 
 length is nearly seventy miles : its breadth from thirty to thirty-five miles t 
 (N.B. This is the moon in the management of which Artemus Ward's 
 " moonist" was apt to experience difficulty.} 
 
 THE GREAT SALT LAKE. 
 
 PRECEDING VIEW CONTINUED. 
 
 This Dead Sea of the Western world is supplied with fresh water from 
 three rivers the Bear River, the Weber, and the Jordan. The water, 
 according to Captain Burton's statement, contains six times and a half more 
 solid matter than the average solid constituents of sea water. 
 
THE ENDOWMENT HOUSE. 
 
 That which takes place "within this building travellers may guess at, [but 
 are not permitted iu know. It is where the Mormon marriages are celebrated. 
 On the mountain above, a figure out of all proportion to the scenery is sup- 
 posed to represent Art emus Ward attacked by a bear in front and a pack of 
 wolves in the rear. 
 
 ENTRANCE TO ECHO CANYON. 
 
 High bluffs of yellow colour and conglomerate formation, full of small 
 fossils. The buildings at the base constitute Weber's Station, where the 
 coach stops for the mules to be changed^ and the passengers to obtain refresh- 
 ments. 
 
 ii 
 
ARTEMUS CARD'S LECTURE. 49 
 
 I shall be mo ' happy to pay a good 
 
 salary to any respectable boy of good 
 
 parentage and education who is a good 
 in o o n i s t. 
 
 fating to Panorama.) 
 
 The Endowment House. * 
 
 In this building the Mormon is initiated into the mysteries 
 of the faith. 
 
 Strange stories are told of the proceedings which are held 
 
 in this building but I have no possible means of knowing 
 
 how true they may be. 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 Echo Canyon. 
 
 Salt Lake City is fifty-five miles behind us and this is 
 Echo Canyon in reaching which we are supposed to have 
 crossed the summit of the Wahsatch Mountains. These ochre- 
 coloured bluffs formed of conglomerate sandstone and 
 
 moon rising over the lake, and rippling on the waters. It was produced 
 in the usual dioramic way, by making the track of the moon transparent, 
 and throwing the moon on from the bull's eye of a lantern. When Arte- 
 mus went behind, the moon would become nervous and flickering, dancing 
 up and down in the most inartistic and undecided manner. The result 
 was that, coupled with the lecturer's oddly-expressed apology, the " moon" 
 became one of the best laughed-at parts of the entertainment. 
 
 * "The Endowment House" To the young ladies of Utah this edifice 
 possesses extreme interest. The Mormon ceremony of marriage is said to 
 be of the most extraordinary character ; various symbolical scenes being 
 enacted, and the bride and bridegroom invested with sacred garments which 
 they are never to part with. In all Salt Lake I could not find a person 
 who would describe to me the ceremonies of the Endowment House, noi 
 could Artemus or myself obtain admission within its mystic wall P. 
 
 D 
 
50 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 full of fossils signal the entrance to the Canyon. At its 
 
 base lies Weber Station. 
 
 Echo Canyon is about twenty-five miles long. It is really 
 the sublimest thing between the Missouri and the Sierra Ne- 
 vada. The red wall to the left develops further up the Canyon 
 
 into pyramids buttresses and castles honeycombed and 
 
 fretted in nature's own massive magnificence of architecture. 
 
 In 1856 Echo Canyon was the place selected by Brigham 
 Young for the Mormon General Wells to fortify and make im- 
 pregnable against the advance of the American army led by 
 General Albert Sidney Johnson. It was to have been the 
 
 Thermopylae of Mormondom but it wasn 't. General 
 
 Wells was to have done Leonidas but he didn't 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 A more cheerful view of the Desert. 
 
 The wild snowstorms have left us and we have thrown 
 our wolf-skin overcoats aside. Certain tribes of far-western 
 Indians bury their distinguished dead by placing them high 
 
 in air and covering them with valuable furs that is a very 
 
 fair representation of these mid-air t6mbs. Those animals are 
 
 horses 1 know they are because my artist says so. I had 
 
 the picture two years before I discovered the fact. The 
 
 artist came to me about six months ago and said " It is 
 
 useless to disguise it from you any longer they are 
 
 horses."* 
 
 It was while crossing this desert that I was surrounded by 
 
 a band of Ute Indians. They were splendidly mounted 
 
 they were dressed in beaver-skins and they were armed 
 
 with rifles knives and pistols. 
 
 What could I do ? What could a poor old orphan do ? 
 
 * " They are horses." Here again Artemus called in the aid of pleasant 
 banter as the most fitting apology for the atrocious badness of the painting. 
 
THE INDIANS ON THE PLAINS. 
 
 On the right of the picture is the scaffold erected for an Indian grave' 
 The corpse is placed on the top of it, out of the way of the wolves, though not 
 so protected but what the vultures and other birds of carrion soon render it a 
 mere^skeleton. 
 
 [OUR RENCOUNTER WITH THE INDIANS. 
 
 
 
 Utah Territory contains Indians of two races the Shoshones and the Utes. 
 
 The Utes are very friendly with the Mormons, who treat them with uniform 
 
 kindness. It was -commonly believed that a secret treaty of alliance existed 
 
 between Brigham Young and the chiefs of the Indian tribes. (The left hand 
 
 portion of the illustration belongs to the preceding picture.) 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 51 
 
 I'm a brave man. The day before the Battle of Bull's Kun 
 
 I stood in the highway while the bullets those dreadful 
 
 messengers of death w ere passing all around 
 
 me thickl y 1 N WAGGON S on their way to the 
 
 battlefield.* But there were too many of these Injuns 
 
 there were forty of them and only one of me and so I 
 
 said 
 
 " Great Chief I surrender." His name was Wocky-bocky. 
 
 He dismounted and approached me. I saw his tomahawk 
 glisten in the morning sunlight. Fire was in his eye. Wocky- 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 bocky came very close to me and seized me by the hair of my 
 head. He mingled his swarthy fingers with my golden tresses 
 and he rubbed his dreadful Thomashawk across my lily- 
 white face. He said 
 
 " Torsha arrah darrah mishky bookshean ! n 
 
 I told him he was right. 
 
 Wocky-bocky again rubbed his tomahawk across my fac^ 
 and said " Wink-ho loo-boo ! " 
 
 Says I " Mr Wocky-bocky " says I " Wocky I 
 
 have thought so for years and so's all our 
 family." 
 
 He told me I must go to the tent of the Strong-Heart and 
 eat raw dog.t It don't agree with me. I prefer simple food. 
 
 * " Their way to the battlefield." This was the great joke of Artermis 
 Ward's first lecture, " The Babes in the Wood." He never omitted it in 
 any of his lectures, nor did it lose its power to create laughter by re- 
 petition. The audiences at the Egyptian Hall, London, laughed as im- 
 moderately at it as did those of Irving Hall, New York, or of the Tremont 
 Temple in Boston. 
 
 f " Raw dog." While sojourning for a day in a camp of Sioux Indians, 
 we were informed that the warriors of the tribe were accustomed to eat 
 raw dog to give them courage previous to going to battle. Artenms wan 
 
52 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 I prefer pork-pie because then I know what 
 I'm eating. But as raw dog was all they proposed to give 
 to me I had to eat it or starve. So at the expiration of two 
 days I seized a tin plate and went to the chiefs daughter 
 
 and I said to her in a silvery voice in a kind of 
 
 G e r m a n-s ilvery voic e 1 said 
 
 " Sweet child of the forest, the pale-face wants his dog." 
 There was nothing but his paws ! Ihad paused too 
 long! Which reminds me that time passes. A way which 
 
 time has. 
 
 I was told in my youth to seize opportunity. I once tried 
 to seize one. He was rich. He had diamonds on. As I 
 seized him he knocked me down. Since then I have learned 
 that he who seizes opportunity sees the penitentiary. 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 Th-e Rocky Mountains. 
 
 I take it for granted you have heard of these popular moun- 
 tains. In America they are regarded as a great 
 success, and we all love dearly to talk about them. It is a 
 kind of weakness with us. I never knew but one American 
 who hadn't something sometime to say about- the Rocky 
 
 Mountains and he was a deaf and dumb man, who couldn't 
 
 eay anything about nothing. 
 
 But these mountains whose summits are snow-covered and 
 icy all the year round are too grand to make fun of. J 
 crossed them in the winter of '64 in a rough sleigh drawn by 
 four mules. 
 
 This sparkling waterfall is the Laughing- Water alluded to 
 
 greatly amused with the information. When, in after years, he became 
 weak and languid, and was called upon to go to lecture, it was a favourite 
 joke with him to inquire, " Kingston, have you got any raw dog ? " 
 
THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS. 
 
 The view may recall, to those who have seen it, Mr. Bierstadt's celebrated* 
 picture. Unfortunately for us, when we crossed, every inch of the ground 
 was covered with snow. 
 
 THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS SCENERY. 
 
 This picture is a continuation of the preceding view. In the course of the* 
 ourney, Artemus Ward passed a day among an encampment of Sioux f 
 whose numbers must have exceeded three thousand. 
 
 13 
 
CROSSING THE PLAINS. 
 
 AN EMIGRANT CARAVAN. 
 
 Nearly all the inhabitants of Salt Lake City have had to travel thither in 
 .emigrant trains, undergoing countless hardships on the way. The 
 skeletons of animals and the remains of broken-down vehicles serve to mark 
 out the track. 
 
 THE PRAIRIE ON FIRE. 
 
 Artemus "Ward had an opportunity of steing part of a prairie on fire, 
 just as he entered the State of Kansas. The grandeur of the scene made a 
 very deep impression uton him. He frequently alluded to it in conversation . 
 
 14 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 53 
 
 by Mr Longfellow in his Indian poem " Higher- Water." 
 The water is higher up there. 
 
 (Music.) 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 The plains of Colorado. 
 
 These are the dreary plains over which we rode for so many 
 weary days. An affecting incident occurred on these plains 
 some time since, which I am sure you will pardon me for 
 introducing here. 
 
 On a beautiful June morning some sixteen years ago 
 
 (Music, very loud till the scene is off.) 
 ***** 
 ***** 
 ***** 
 
 and she fainted on Reginald's breast !* 
 
 The Prairie on Fire. 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 A prairie on fire is one of the wildest and grandest sights 
 that can possibly be imagined. 
 
 * " On Reginald 1 8 breast." At this part of the lecture Artemus pre- 
 tended to tell a story the piano playing loudly all the time. He con- 
 tinued his narration in excited dumb-show his lips moving as though he 
 were speaking. For some minutes the audience indulged in unrestrained 
 laughter. 
 
54 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 These fires occur of course in the summer when the 
 
 grass is dry as tinder and the flames rush and roar over 
 
 the prairie in a manner frightful to behold. They usually 
 burn better than mine is burning to-night. I try to make 
 my prairie burn regularly and not dis- 
 appoint the publi c b ut it is not as 
 
 high-principled as I am.* 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama^} 
 
 Brigham Young at home. 
 
 The last picture I have to show you represents Mr Brigham 
 Young in the bosom of his family. His family is large and 
 the olive branches around his table are in a very . tangled 
 condition. He is more a father than any man 
 
 I know. When at home as you here see him he 
 
 ought to be very happy with sixty wives 
 to minister to his comforts and twice 
 sixty children to soothe his distracted 
 mind. Ah! my friends what is home without a family? 
 
 What will become of Mormonism? We all know and 
 
 admit it to be a hideous wrong a great immoral stain upon 
 
 the 'scutcheon of the United States. My belief is that its 
 existence is dependent upon the life of Brigham Young. His 
 
 administrative ability holds the system together his power 
 
 of will maintain it as the faith of a community. When he 
 dies Mormonism will die too. The men who are around 
 him have neither his talent nor his energy. By means of his 
 strength it is held together. When he falls Mormonism will 
 also fall to pieces. 
 
 * " At high-principled as lam." The scene was a transparent one the 
 light from behind so managed as to give the effect of the prairie on fire. 
 Arternus enjoyed the joke of letting the fire go out occasionally, and then 
 allowing; it to relight itself. 
 
THE PRAIRIE ON FIRE. 
 
 CONTINUED. 
 
 The effect of the Prairie being on fire was illustrated in the panorama by 
 means of a revolving cloth behind; a portion of the picture being transpa- 
 rent. 
 
 BRIGHAM YOUNG AT HOME. 
 
 This is, of course, a mere fancy sketch. It was roughly designed by 
 Artemus Ward himself. According to his own statement, made in a very 
 playful manner, it represents that which he saw on an afternoon passed 
 with the prophet at the palace. 
 
 15 
 
"THE TIMES" NOTICE. 5S 
 
 That lion you perceive has a tail.* It is a long one 
 already. Like mine it is to be continued in our next.t 
 
 * " That lion has a, tail" The lion on a pedestal, as painted in the 
 panorama its tail outstretched like that of the leonine adornment to 
 Northumberland House, was a pure piece of frolic on the part of the 
 entertainer. Brigham Young certainly adopts the lion as a Mormon 
 emblem. A beehive and a lion, suggestive of industry and strength, are 
 the symbols of the Mormons in Salt Lake City. 
 
 T " To be continued in our next." To revisit Utah, and to do another 
 and a better lecture about it, was a favourite idea of Artemus "Ward. 
 Another fancy that he had was to visit the stranger countries of the 
 Eastern world and find in some of them matter for a humorous lecture. 
 While ill in Utah, he read Mr Layard's book on Nineveh, left behind at 
 the hotel by a traveller passing through Salt Lake. Mr Layard's reference 
 to the Yezedi, or " Devil- worshippers," took powerful hold on the imagina- 
 tion of the reader. During our trip home across the plains he would 
 often, sometimes in jest and sometimes in earnest, chat about a trip to 
 Asia to see the " Devil -worshippers." Naturally his inclinations wer 
 nomadic, and had a longer life been granted to him I believe that he 
 would have seen more of the surface of this globe than even the generality 
 of his countrymen see, much as they are accustomed to travel. Within 
 about the same distance from Portland in England that his own birth- 
 place is from Portland in Maine, his travels came to an end. He died at 
 Southampton. His great wish was for strength to return to his home, 
 that he might die with the face of his own mother bending over him, and 
 in the cottage where he was born. 
 
 "CCELUMQUE 
 
 ET MORIENS BULGES BEMINISCITUE ARGOS. 
 
 E. P. a 
 
 APPENDIX. 
 "THE TIMES" NOTICE. 
 
 "EGYPTIAN HALL. Before a large audience, comprising an 
 extraordinary number of literary celebrities, Mr Artemua 
 
56 " THE TIMES* NOTICE. 
 
 Ward, the noted American humorist, made his first appear- 
 ance as a public lecturer on Tuesday evening, the place se- 
 lected for the display of his quaint oratory being the room 
 long tenanted by Mr Arthur Sketchley. His first entrance 
 on the platform was the signal for loud and continuous laughter 
 and applause, denoting a degree of expectation which a nervous 
 man might have feared to encounter. However, his first sen- 
 tences, and the way in which they were received, amply sufficed 
 to prove that his success was certain. The dialect of Artemus 
 bears a less evident mark of the Western World than that of 
 many American actors, who would fain merge their own pecu- 
 liarities in the delineation of English character ; but his jokes 
 are of that true Transatlantic type, to which no nation beyond 
 the limits of the States can offer any parallel. These jokes he 
 lets fall with an air of profound unconsciousness we may 
 almost say melancholy which is irresistibly droll, aided as it 
 is by the effect of a figure singularly gaunt and lean and a face 
 to match. And he has found an audience by whom his caustic 
 humour is thoroughly appreciated. Not one of the odd plea- 
 santries slipped out with such imperturbable gravity misses its 
 mark, and scarcely a minute elapses at the end of which the 
 sedate Artemus is not forced to pause till the roar of mirth 
 has subsided. There is certainly this foundation for an entente, 
 cordiale between the two countries calling themselves Anglo- 
 Saxon, that the Englishman, puzzled by Yankee politics, 
 thoroughly relishes Yankee jokes, though they are not in the 
 least like his own. When two persons laugh together, they 
 cannot hate each other much so long as the laugh continues. 
 
 " The subject of Artemus Ward's lecture is a visit to the Mor- 
 mons, copiously illustrated by a series of moving pictures, not 
 much to be commended as works of art, but for the most part 
 well enough executed to give (fidelity granted) a notion of life 
 as it is among the remarkable inhabitants of Utah. Nor let 
 the connoisseur, who detects the shortcomings of some of these 
 pictures, fancy that he has discovered a flaw in the armour of 
 
THE TIMES" NOTICE. 57 
 
 the doughty Artemus. That astute gentleman knows their 
 worth as well as anybody else, and while he ostensibly extols 
 them, as a showman is bound to do, he every now and then 
 holds them up to ridicule in a vein of the deepest irony. In 
 one case a palpable error of perspective, by which a man is 
 made equal in size to a mountain, has been purposely com- 
 mitted, and the shouts o( laughter that arise as soon as the 
 ridiculous picture appears is tremendous. But there is no 
 mirth in the face of Artemus ; he seems even deaf to the roar ; 
 and when he proceeds to the explanation of the landscape, he 
 touches on the ridiculous point in a slurring way that provokes 
 a new explosion. 
 
 " The particulars of the lecture we need not describe. Many 
 accounts of the Mormons, more or less credible, and all au- 
 thenticated, have been given by serious historians, and Mr 
 W. H. Dixon, who has just returned from Utah to London, is 
 said to have brought with him new stores of solid information. 
 But to most of us Mormonism is still a mystery, and under 
 those circumstances a lecturer who has professedly visited a 
 country for the sake more of picking up fun than of sifting 
 facts, and whose chief object it must be to make his narrative 
 amusing, can scarcely be accepted as an authority. We will, 
 therefore, content ourselves with stating that the lecture is 
 entertaining to such a degree that to those who seek amuse- 
 ment its brevity is its only fault \ that it is utterly free from 
 offence, though the opportunities for offence given by the 
 subject of Mormonism are obviously numerous ; and that it is 
 interspersed, not only with irresistible jokes, but with shrewd 
 remarks, proving that Artemus Ward is a man of reflection, as 
 well as a consummate humorist." 
 
ORIGINAL PROGRAMME. 
 
 PICCADILLY. 
 
 Every Night (except Saturday) at 8, 
 
 SATURDAY MORNINGS AT 3. 
 
 AMONG THE MORMONS. 
 
 During the Vacation the Hall has been carefully Swept out, and ft 
 new Door-Knob has been added to the Door. 
 
 MR ARTEMUS WARD mil call on the Citizens of London, at their residences, 
 and explain any jokes in his narrative which they may not understand. 
 
 A person of long-established integrity will take excellent care of Bonnets, 
 Cloaks, &c., during the Entertainment ; the Audience better leave their 
 money, however, with Mr WARD ; he will return it to them in a day of 
 two, or invest it for them in America, as they may think best. 
 
ORIGINAL PROGRAMME. 59 
 
 3T Nobody must say that lie likes the Lecture unless he wishes to be 
 though fa eccentric ; and nobody must say that he doesn't like it unless 
 he really is eccentric. (This requires thinking over, but it will amply 
 repay perusal.) 
 
 The Panorama used to Illustrate Mr WARD'S Narrative is 
 rather worse than Panoramas usually are. 
 
 Mr WARD will not be responsible for any debts of his own contracting. 
 
 APPEARANCE OP ARTEMUS WARD. 
 
 Who will be greeted with applause, r^l" The Stall-keeper is particularly 
 requested to attend to this. Jj^i When quiet has been restored, the 
 Lecturer will present a rather frisky prologue, of about ten minutes in 
 length, and of nearly the same width. It perhaps isn't necessary to speak 
 of the depth. 
 
 H Bancroft Library 
 
 THE PICTURES COMMENCE HERE, the first one being a view 
 of the California Steamship. Large crowd of citizens on the wharf, who 
 appear to be entirely willing that ARTEMDS WARD shall go. " Bless you, 
 Sir ! " they say. " Don't hurry about coming back. Stay away for years, 
 if you want to ! " It was very touching. Disgraceful treatment of the 
 passengers, who are obliged to go forward to smoke pipes, while the 
 steamer herself is allowed 2 Smoke Pipes amid-ships. At Panama. A 
 glance at Mexico. 
 
60 ORIGINAL PROGRAMME. 
 
 IIL 
 
 The Land of Gold. 
 
 Montgomery Street, San Francisco. The Gold Bricks. Street Seen eg. 
 "The Orphan Cabman, or The Mule Driver's Step-Father." The Chinese 
 Theatre. Sixteen square yards of a Chinese Comic Song. 
 
 IV. 
 
 The Land of Silver. 
 
 Virginia City, the wild young metropolis of the new Silver State. For- 
 tunes are made there in a day. There are instances on record of young 
 men going to this place without a shilling poor and friendless yet bj 
 energy, intelligence, and a careful disregard to business, they have been 
 enabled to leave there, owing hundreds of pounds. 
 
 V. 
 
 The Great Desert at Night. 
 
 A dreary waste of sand. The sand isn't worth saving, however. Indiana 
 occupy yonder mountains. Little Injuns seen in the distance trundling 
 their war-whoops. 
 
 VI. 
 
 A Bird's-eye View of Great Salt 
 Lake City. 
 
 With some entirely descriptive talk. 
 
 VII. 
 
 Main Street, East Side. 
 
 The Salt Lake Hotel, which is conducted on Temperance principles. 
 The landlord sells nothing stronger than salt butter. 
 
 VIII. 
 
 The Mormon Theatre. 
 
 The Lady of Lyons was produced here a short time since, but failed to 
 satisfy a Mormon audience, on account of there being only one Pauline in 
 it. Tne play was revised at once. It was presented the next night, with 
 fifteen Paulines in the cast, and was a perfect success. ^T All these 
 statements may be regarded as strictly true. Mr WABD would not deceive 
 an infant. 
 
ORIGINAL PROGRAMME. 61 
 
 IX 
 
 Main Street, West Side. 
 
 This being a, view of Main Street, West Side, it is naturally a view of 
 the West Side of Main Street. 
 
 X. 
 
 Brigham Young's Harem. 
 
 Mr Young is an indulgent father, and a numerous husband. For further 
 particulars call on Mr WARD, at Egyptian Hall, any Evening this Week. 
 This paragraph is intended to blend business with amusement. 
 
 XL 
 
 Heber C. Kimball's Harem. 
 
 We have only to repeat here the pleasant remarks above in regard to 
 Brigham. 
 
 INTEEMISSION OF FIVE MINUTES. 
 
 XII. 
 
 The Tabernacle. 
 
 XIIL 
 The Temple as it is. 
 
 XIV. 
 
 The Temple as it is to be. 
 
 xv. 
 The Great Salt Lake. 
 
62 ORIGINAL PROGRAMME. 
 
 XVL 
 
 The Endowment House. 
 
 The Mormon is initiated into the mysteries of his faith here. The 
 Mormon's religion is singular, and his wives are plural. 
 
 XVIL 
 
 Echo Canyon. 
 
 xvni. 
 The Desert, again. 
 
 A more cheerful view. The Plains of Colorado. The Colorado Moun- 
 tains " might have been seen " in the distance, if the Artist had painted 
 'em. But he is prejudiced against mountains, because his uncle once got 
 lost on one. 
 
 XIX. 
 
 Brigham Young and his wives. The pretty girls of Utah mostly marry 
 Young. 
 
 XX. 
 
 The Rocky Mountains. 
 
 XXI. 
 
 The Plains of Nebraska, 
 
 xxn. 
 The Prairie on Fire. 
 
ORIGINAL PROGRAMME. 63 
 
 EECOMMENDATIONS. 
 
 TOTNESS, Oct. 20th, 1866. 
 Ur ARTBMUS WARD, 
 
 My dear Sir, My wife was dangerously unwell for over sixteen 
 years. She was so weak that she could not lift a teaspoon to her mouth. 
 But in a fortunate moment she commenced reading one of your lecturee. 
 She got better at once. She gained strength so rapidly that she lifted the 
 eottage piano quite a distance from the floor, and then tipped it over on to 
 her mother-in-law, with whom she had had some little trouble. We like 
 your lectures very much. Please send me a barrel of them. If you 
 should require any more recommendations you can get any number of them 
 in this place, at two shillings each, the price I charge for this one, and I 
 trust you may be ever happy. 
 
 I am, Sir, 
 Yours truly, and so is my wife, 
 
 E. SPRINGERS. 
 
 An American correspondent of a distinguished journal in Yorkshire thus 
 speaks of Mr WARD'S power as an Orator: 
 
 " It was a grand scene, Mr ARTEMUS WARD standing on the platform, 
 talking ; many of the audience sleeping tranquilly in their seats ; others 
 leaving the room and not returning ; others crying like a child at some of 
 the jokes all, all formed a most impressive scene, and showed the powers 
 of this remarkable orator. And when he announced that he should never 
 lecture in that town again, the applause was absolutely deafening." 
 
 Doors open at Half-past Seven, commence at Eight. 
 
 Conclude at Half-past Nine. 
 EVERY EVENING EXCEPT SATURDAY. 
 
 SATURDAY AFTERNOONS AT 3 P.M. 
 
64 AUTOGRAPH OF ARTEMUS WARD. 
 
[October, 1882. 
 
 CHATTO & WINDUS'S 
 
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 Beautifully bound in a novel style, small 4to, i6s. 
 
 THE LADY OF THE LAKE. By Sir WALTER 
 
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 In order to secure accuracy as well as freshness of treatment, the Publishers com- 
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 Crown 8vo, Coloured Frontispiece and Illustrations, cloth gilt, ys. 6d. 
 
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 In a Winter City. 
 
 Ariadne. 
 
 Friendship. 
 
 Moths. 
 
 Pipistrello. 
 
 >ndon : CHATTO & WINDUS, PICCADILLY, W. 
 
G 
 
 G 
 
 YORKSHIRE RELISH. 
 
 The Most Delicious Sauoe in the World. Bottles 6d., Is., and 2s. each. 
 
 *OODALL'S BAKING POWDER. 
 
 | The B'jst in the World. Id. Packets ; 6d., Is., 2s., and os. Tins. 
 
 iOODALL'S QUININE WINE. 
 
 A The Best, Cheapest, and most Agreeable Tonic yet introduced. 
 
 Bottles, Is., Is. Ud., 2s., and 2s. 3d. each. 
 
 OODALL'S CUSJARD POWDER. 
 
 Makes Delicious Custards without Eggs, and at Half the Price. 
 
 In Boxes, 6d, and Is. ea|p 
 
 OODALL'S BRUNSWICK BLACK. 
 
 For Painting Stoves, Grates, Iron, Tin, &c. 6J. and Is. .bottles. 
 
 ,u/^ BLANC-MANGE POWDER. 
 
 Makes Rich and Delicious Blanc-Mange in a tew mum 
 
 In BoxeF, 6d. and Is. 
 
 '^tt^mSLSSS- - "S-tfP-E * 
 
 POWDER. 
 
 une reiiuj . *~ - ^^r Egg, and ono bixpenny T 
 
 far as Twenty-eight. In Id. Packets; bd. and Is. 1 ins. 
 
 Shippers and the Trade Supplied by the Sole Proprietors, 
 
 GOODALL, BACKHOUSE & CO., WHITE HORSE STRE 
 
 ii a E i> s.