ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS jRTOX KINGSLAND ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS By MRS. BURTON KINGSLAND Manners are of more importance than laws. The law teaches us but here and there, now and then. Manners are what vex or soothe, corrupt or purify, exalt or debase, barbarize or refine us by a con- stant, steady, uniform, insensible operation like the air we breathe. BURKE. NEW YORK Doubleday, Page and Company 1901 Copyright, 1901, by DOUBLEDAY, PAGE Sf COMPANY UNIVERSITY PRESS JOHN WILSON AND SON CAMBRIDGE, U.S.A. CONTENTS PAGE INTRODUCTORY. GOOD MANNERS AND GOOD FORM i CHAPTER I. INTRODUCTIONS n II. SALUTATIONS 24 III. INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS . . . 35 IV. WEDDING INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCE- MENTS 58 V. VISITING-CARD CONVENTIONS 68 VI. THE ETIQUETTE OF CALLING .... 82 VII. AFTERNOON TEAS 101 VIII. INTRODUCING A DEBUTANTE 115 IX. LUNCHEONS, BREAKFASTS, SUPPERS . 126 X. DINNERS 143 XI. BALLS AND DANCES 166 I/ XII. CHAPERONS 192 XIII. ENGAGEMENTS 204 XIV. WEDDING PREPARATIONS AND PRELIMI- NARIES 212 XV. THE DAY OF THE WEDDING 236 XVI. AT THE OPERA AND THEATRE .... 259 XVII. MUSICALS, THEATRICALS, CARD-PARTIES . 267 XVIII. ENTERTAINING A HOUSE PARTY . . . 274 v 2052076 CONTENTS CHAPTER PAGE XIX. THE DUTIES OF A GUEST 294 XX. OUT-OF-DOOR ENTERTAINMENTS . . . 307 \/ XXI. WOMEN'S DRESS '. ... 318 XXII. MEN'S DRESS AND DEPORTMENT . . . 337 XXIII. CONVERSATION 359 XXIV. SOCIAL CORRESPONDENCE 375 XXV. TABLE MANNERS 394 Y XXVI. MANNERS IN PUBLIC UNCLASSIFIED OCCASIONS 403 XXVII. SPORTING ETIQUETTE 405 ^XXVIII. COURTESY AND GOOD MANNERS IN THE HOME 414 XXIX. CHILDREN'S ETIQUETTE 425 XXX. THE FAMILY TABLE 438 XXXI. CHRISTENINGS 449 XXXII. WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES 457 XXXIII. FUNERALS 463 XXXIV. SERVANTS 470 XXXV. SERVANTS' DRESS 490 XXXVI. HINTS ON FOREIGN ETIQUETTE (ENG- LAND) 499 XXXVII. HINTS ON FOREIGN ETIQUETTE CON- TINUED (FRANCE AND GERMANY) . 516 vi ETIQUETTE/,,. ALL OCCASIONS Preface A GENERAL WORD ABOUT GOOD MANNERS AND GOOD FORM )N American traveller, when once / ' rallied upon the fact that there was no aristocracy in his country, re- plied : " Pardon me, you forget ou/ women ! " It was gallantly said, and characteristic of the chivalry that has always been so marked a trait of American manhood. It is the stock reproach among Europeans to- wards us this lack of aristocracy which politely but thinly veils their conviction that we are a nation of rich and prosperous parvenus. We resent the reflection because it seems to imply the lack of qualities which, to our minds, the wc>rd_ stands for. Now we believe the outward and visible signs of aristocracy are shown in perfect breeding, charm of manner, and unfailing courtesy, of which the inward grace is an instinctive refine- ment that is not merely a decorative attribute. True aristocracy derives nothing from the pos- session of money wealth but makes ill-breeding more conspicuous. Rank and station do not cre- ate it,l since there are persons who consider that ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS their social standing entitles them to a conduct that is often wounding to the feelings of others, and it is not inseparable from ancient lineage. It is said that there are old families in England who have a well-earned reputation for possessing the worst manners in the world, which proud dis- tinction was satirized in a bright little society skit in which " my lady " says to her daughter : "Rude? Of course we are rude, my dear. We have been rude ever since the Conquest ! " It is not given to every man to be what, in com- mon parlance, is called " born a gentleman," but if his birth be not gentle, his manners may make him so; for "he is gentil," says Chaucer, "who doth gentil dedis." Habit is second nature. A Frenchman, of wide travel and experience, once said to an American : " Your politeness in the States is not a form, but a fact. With us, courtesy towards women has always a personal element. You can do a woman a service without looking at her." He proceeded to explain further: " We, however, have the advantage of a more fixed etiquette, that leaves one never at a loss to know the proper thing to be done under given circumstances, that gives ease of mind and bear- ing to the individual, and elegance and grace to society at large." There is then a distinction between good man- ners and good form. The one comes from innate good breeding, the other may be acquired by A GENERAL WORD careful study and close observance of the forms of behavior that at the" moment are fashionable. As a man may be wise without learning, so he may be polite without etiquette. At the root of fine manners, however, usually lie the eternal principles of kindness and thoughtful- ness ; and, as some one has said, although courtesy is not Christianity, it is a very good imitation of it, since most of the rules of etiquette are based upon unselfishness, and the proper regard for the feelings of other people. We have all heard the story of the French king who was so well bred that when one of his guests dropped a priceless wine-glass, immediately, as though through inadvertence, broke one himself, to prove that such a mischance might happen to any one and was of no special consequence. The English George the Fourth, drinking his tea from the saucer to relieve the embarrassment of a young maid of honor, recently come to court, who had provoked the smiles of the company by a like provincialism, is another instance where courtesy shows Christian inspiration. The custom of leaving a card for every member of a family, when calling, is designed to give assurance that each person has been distinguished individually in one's thought. We make careful toilets in visiting and receiving our friends, to do them honor. We call promptly upon our hostess after an en- tertainment to prove ourselves not ungrateful for 3 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS the trouble that she has taken to give us pleasure. We are expected to talk in low, well-bred tones that we may not disturb our neighbor's thought or conversation. A host has the first drops of a fresh bottle of wine poured into his glass, lest a bit of the cork might, by chance, incommode his guest. There is a tacit understanding that we shall be agreeable to one another, always putting the best on the outside and keeping our private woes to ourselves. St. Paul, in his speeches and letters, is the very model of a gentleman. In fact, courtesy, concilia- tion, forbearance, kindliness, which are of the very nature and essence of politeness, were strictly en- joined by the first teachers of Christianity. Man- ners are minor morals. The children are taught " To be truly polite is to do and say The kindest thing in the kindest way." It has been found, however, that the various pursuits and interests of society move forward to the best fulfilment of their several purposes and work together most harmoniously when guided by certain fixed rules, the willing observance of which establishes one's claim to gentlehood in the minds of others, and gives ease and confidence in whatever society we find ourselves. People have agreed upon certain conventions which have through the ages grown into a code, a decalogue of good behavior. 4 A GENERAL WORD There are circumstances where even the " golden rule " which exhausts most of the require- ments of politeness fails us. As an instance of this: A very young girl at her first dance was offered a seat by her partner during one of the panting pauses of a waltz, whereupon she answered with instinctive unselfishness but with entire igno- rance of etiquette, " Oh, I am not tired ; you sit down ! " The conventional conduct known as " good form," or the lack of it, brings unerring revelation of a person's social advantages and position, and proclaims him a provincial or a cosmopolitan. A man who attempts to combine the attractions of wine and of iced water by making the " sorbet " the accompaniment to his entire dinner, or orders a large cup of coffee with milk at the conclusion of the meal, may be a more worthy member of society, a finer specimen of manhood, than the gilded youth of fashionable circles, but he would not be regarded as a man of refinement, hardly as a gentleman, by the privileged classes here or in Europe. The social code has been written and reviewed as much or more perhaps than any other code of laws in the world. The whirligig of time brings about so many changes that what was orthodoxy in one age is heterodoxy in the next. For ex- ample, twenty years ago, the favorite manner of announcing an engagement in New York was for the happy couple to be seen arm in arm on 5 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS some fashionable thoroughfare on Sunday, after church. " How vulgar ! How provincial ! " exclaims the present generation. But what would they think of the manners of our more remote forbears when, as bride and groom making their first appearance in church, they proudly took the most prominent seats and in the middle of the sermon deliberately rose and turned slowly around several times to display their wedding finery fully and unblush- ingly. This extraordinary exhibition is vouched for upon undisputably good authority. The word " etiquette " meant originally a ticket or tag affixed to a bag or bundle to note its con- tents. From this the word passed to certain cards which, during the reign of the fourteenth Louis of France, were given by the Court functionary to each guest, upon which were written the chief rules of the conduct to be observed. The word has been preserved for lack of a better to express the recognized standard of behavior among persons entitled to be considered in good society. Its modern English equivalent is " good form." The one expression is as open to the reproach of being " slang " as the other. Our own social code is patterned largely after the usages in favor among the English upper classes, although there are occasions upon which we are a law unto ourselves. The " Mother-isle " sets us the example, but, having reached our maturity, we, in common with other grown up A GENERAL WORD children, assume the direction of our conduct when we please. Daniel Webster said, after a visit to England : "The rule of politeness there is to be quiet, act naturally, take no airs, and make no bustle. This perfect breeding has cost a great deal of drill." We have among ourselves a large class of quiet ladies and gentlemen, with minds broadened by travel and association with cultured people, with inherited traditions of good breeding and well versed in the social ethics of the older civilizations. To them we may defer, to them safely look for direction. It is only the chimney-corner philosopher who scorns and sneers at learning the rules of etiquette. In the changeful conditions of our society, where, untrammelled by class restriction, all may make their way to eminence, there is need of guidance in matters social, and fortunately a uni- versal recognition of their importance. Many, all over the country, are asking for direction and for definite laws of conduct to be observed, according to the most recent decrees of fashion. There is nothing derogatory to us that we are not all conversant with the latest forms of conven- tionality. Our society is in evolution, but the anxiety, to learn, the often painful dread of mak- ing a mistake, is reassuring. They are " growing- pains." Bonaparte took lessons of the great actor Talma, how to comport himself in his new dignity, and 7 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS had his court drilled in etiquette as he did his army in military tactics. When the great Catherine of Russia gave recep- tions to her nobility, she was obliged to publish certain rules of conduct that would be unnecessary now with the most untaught peasant. Gentlemen were not to get drunk before the feast was ended ; ladies were enjoined not to wipe their mouths on the table-cloth; and "noblemen were forbidden to strike their wives in company. The curiosity is still to be met with, in books on table-talk, and the edict no doubt was needed. Formerly there was an etiquette of war. The Frenchmen at Fontenoy, face to face with their English opponents, politely bade them " fire first." But these well-mannered men oppressed their peasants, and in private broke all the com- mandments of courtesy which we revere. This discrepancy between form and fact has brought discredit upon the subject of polite ob- servances in the minds of some, who say, " Give us truth before all things." They say that they involve a degree of dissimulation that often impli- cates us in positive hypocrisy, in unequivocal false- hood that none should justify. They ask, " Why palliate untruths because they seem a kind of social obligation?" This is a question for social casuists to de- cide. No thinking person would undervalue truth, but, like all good things, it may be carried / to excess. r. A GENERAL WORD A very amiable woman once called upon a friend with a new-born baby. " Is n't she a pretty baby?" asked the delighted mother. An affirma- tive answer was given, but the next day the mother received a note saying: "On reflection, I have concluded that I was not truthful when I said your baby was pretty. I do not think her a pretty baby, but I don't doubt that she is a good one, and I hope may prove a great joy to you." One cannot but feel that in this instance Truth was wounded in the house of her friends. The deeper truth of kindness and sympathy that for the moment saw the baby through its mother's loving eyes was sacrificed to the surface truth that appeared after cool and unsympathetic reflection. We are not justified, however, in declaring to a friend that we are bored at an entertainment and are going home, and in the next breath telling our hostess that we are indebted to her for a very delightful evening. Nor may we say to our friend, " Don't introduce me to that cad," and the next minute while shak- ing his hand repeat the formula, " Happy to meet you," unless one can say it in such level per- functory tones that conventionality owes nothing to cordiality and yet is satisfied. Politeness consists in repressing ill-natured com- ments in the first place, not in asserting the contrary afterwards. There are a few persons who are rebellious about some rules of etiquette which seem useless for 9 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS \~~those of high moral calibre ; but as other laws are made for the majority, so are those of social con- vention, especially for those who are prone to transgress. Under the head of such forms come the rules of chaperonage, and most important it is that all young men and women should observe the formalities ordained, in their intercourse with each other, no matter how well-fitted they may be in particular instances to take care of themselves. One is compelled sometimes to make personal sacrifices for the good of the many. "" Of course very few of the rules of good form are absolute and unchangeable, and they must be more or less regulated by the standards of the people one lives with, and the requirements of the place in which one resides. The old riddle asks, " What is the keynote to good manners?" The answer, "B natural." Natural manners are always the most charming, provided that one is well bred, otherwise the self- revelation is unpleasant. The " fashionable " man- ner of to-day is simple, cordial, and free from all affectation. Good manners inspired by good principles, prompted by good fellowship, polished by good form, will fit one for good society anywhere. 10 ETIQUETTE for ALL OCCASIONS Chapter First INTRODUCTIONS t HE English have imported and domesticated the saying that " the roof is an introduction." All per- sons meeting at the same house are tacitly supposed to be on the same social plane and not averse to acquaintance, and in France the formality of a presentation among members of the same society is considered entirely superfluous. People are introduced to one another, but this does not remove barriers that are regarded as already suppressed. With us all well-bred persons recognize the propriety of making themselves agreeable to each other in a friend's drawing-room, whether Presenta- previously acquainted or not. A few tionsun- of our society leaders never introduce necessar y chance visitors, who converse as a matter of course. It goes without saying that the person addressed is both gracious and responsive to the one taking the initiative. Introductions, however, make intercourse easier, and there is less awkwardness when one knows to whom one is speaking, the knowledge often ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS suggesting subjects for conversation of mutual interest. The rules governing presentations should be well defined, since divergent views may prove sources of misunderstanding. It may be laid down as a general principle that a lady in her own house may introduce all her The guests without previously asking their privilege of permission. It need not involve further acquaintance unless one choose, all are not blessed with a good memory for faces, - but at the house of another, or upon neutral ground, she must consult their wishes. At a Presenta dinner, when the guests assemble, the tions at hostess introduces the gentlemen to the dinner ladies whom they are to take in, and as many others as she pleases, but the old-fashioned custom of wholesale presentation is no longer fol- Presenta- l we d- Introductions are not expected tions at at large receptions, except to those for receptions w hom the entertainment may be given, or to some distinguished guest whom all are pre- sumably anxious to meet, though a stranger should be commended to the charge of some one. Upon less formal occasions visitors should be presented when it can be done without obvious effort. It is not strictly good form to introduce a guest upon his entrance into a room to more than one other at a time. It is a mistake to interrupt a conversation that is apparently agreeable in order to make an intro- duction. I2 INTRODUCTIONS At a private dance, or " house dance," as it is the fashion to call it, where the pleasure depends upon knowing many persons, it is a introduc- kindness to make all necessary presen- tions at tations to insure it. The hostess may be quite unhampered by the restrictions felt by others, the proper censorship having been exercised when extending the invita- tions. Her guests however cannot claim the same freedom. At a ball the patronesses may allow themselves a certain latitude, but the permission of a lady must always be asked, where a man de- Ball-room sires her acquaintance, and that of the introduc- parent or chaperon for presentation to tions a young girl. Indiscriminate introduction must be carefully avoided. We may properly excuse ourselves from com- pliance with requests for presentations by saying that we hardly know the person well enough for we never know any one so well as to take a liberty. Chaperons often ask young men if they may present them to their charges, especially those ladies who have laid them under obligations else- where. Ball-room introductions are understood to impose a certain amount of attention on the part of the gentlemen, to dance with the lady if possible, or show other courteous interest in furthering her enjoyment. One hears many com- plaints of the remissness on the part of young 13 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS men in this regard. There are comparatively so few ways in which they can return the favors they receive, that one marvels that their self-respect should not be on the alert to improve every oppor- tunity. The best-bred young men request intro ductions, that they may make themselves useful to their hostess. Informal introductions are always At house- parties ma d e between persons composing a house party as soon as convenient. Undiscriminating introducers are generally un- popular. If the acquaintance is not desired on the one side and finds itself unwelcome on The responsi- the other, the too generous source of bility the annoyance is blamed by both. incurred Sp ec j a ] carefulness should be exer- cised about presenting persons who come from the same place. One may always introduce the member of one's own family without asking permission, since none could refuse without offence. The introducer must remember that he or she is responsible for the persons presented, and re- frain from forcing upon any one an unwelcome acquaintance, through an easy-going indifference that passes for amiability. To drop an Jhe begt tQ be ri(j of an embar . unwelcome , . acquaint- rassing acquaintanceship is to strangle ance it in its birth. A perfunctory polite- ness is of course exacted at the meeting, but after- wards an unseeing, preoccupied glance that does INTRODUCTIONS not rest upon its object, a merely courteous greet- ing lacking all cordiality, are the only weapons that one's self-respect, and the law of kindness which is forever binding, will permit us to use towards even a vulgar or aggressive person. Perfect courtesy may interpose barriers that are harder to force than those of palpable rudeness. It would be as balm to the wounds of hurt pride, if the sufferers would realize that the refusal of their acquaintance or the ignoring of their existence does not arise from any contemptuous estimation of them, or from an exaggerated im- pression of their own importance in the breasts of well-bred people who have an assured social position. It is simply that among modern improvements and inventions, none has been found to lengthen the little day of twenty-four hours, and in order to conquer time enough to meet each day's demands, one must defend oneself against new encroach- ments, particularly when they take the form of superfluous acquaintances to whom one owes no duty of benevolence. It is well to choose one's friends slowly and with consideration. People whose work and play bring them into contact, or who are so mutually congenial as to seek one another from choice, naturally Natural fall into sets and cliques. They do not associa- need any prickly hedges to insure their tions seclusion. The acquaintance of any one brought into temporary relations with the persons compos- 15 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS ing this society, falls simply to the ground unless the new-comer has exceptional attractions. There are persons, well placed in society, to whom the gods of this world have been indulgent, who pride themselves upon their ex- . . clusiveness, " per se," resenting tres- passes upon their preserves. These are generally those who have " arrived," which term presupposes a certain amount of climbing. A woman secure in her social position is never afraid to meet strangers, to bow or speak first, nor to show herself gracious and friendly to any one ; and if she have no social position, she proves herself a Christian and a lady by so doing. Snobbishness is not confined to fashionable cir- cles, however. Some one has said that snobs, like poets, are born, not made. A young Snobs and * /> r r *_i th ' ilk woman a beneficiary of one of the many missionary enterprises in New York, was urged by the lady who had befriended her to try, in her turn, to aid others more in need than herself; but the request was met by the sur- prising objection : " I don't want such people to think that they are as good as I am, and bow to me on the street. " Another instance. A raw-boned country lad, whose attractions and advantages were not appar- ent, when instructed in his duty towards his neigh- bor to " order himself lowly and reverently to all his betters," demanded fiercely, " Who are my betters ? " 16 INTRODUCTIONS A new form of snobbery has arisen among us. Those who are climbing genealogical trees and who have made gratifying discoveries cast back- ward looks of disdain. The reputed grandfather- lessness of Americans has been felt by some to be a challenge. It is always proper for a man to ask a mutual friend to present him to a lady. Men R equest _ rarely ask to be introduced to each ing intro- other, but if a lady desires to present Auctions them the request should never be met with indif- ference. The usual way for a man to present his friend to a lady is to ask her permission to bring him to call upon her at some time when she shall be re- ceiving her friends. An invitation is likely to follow the call. Casual introductions in the street, in a shop or theatre, in an opera-box, or any place where friends and strangers are unexpectedly Chance confronted, relieves the stiffness of the presenta- situation; but such acquaintance is rare- tions ly claimed afterward, unless the pleasure on both sides has been very obvious. In public convey- ances presentations are made only under excep- tional circumstances. If, while accompanying a woman friend in the street, she sees an acquaintance to whom she would speak a few brief words for good and sufficient reason, one would show more con- sideration by strolling on slowly a few yards, than 2 17 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS standing by and hearing the conversation, though it is not a breach of the proprieties to do so. After a bow in acknowledgment of a word of intro- duction, one should not mingle in the conversation unless directly addressed. If a person is more prominent or distinguished in anyway than ourselves, let us not seek an intro- duction too obviously, but let discretion be our tutor, and wait for his or her reticence first advance or for some happy chance to bring us together. Acquaintances should be made through natural channels, never forced. In making an introduction, the gentleman is always presented to the lady, the formula being, Formulae " Mrs. A., allow me to present Mr. Z.," ofpresen- pronouncing the names very distinctly. tation j n the case O f two i a( ji es or two men, the elder is addressed, the name of the younger mentioned first, " Mrs. Young, Mrs. Gray." When the two ladies are nearly of an age, the distinc- tion would be invidious. A young girl presents her friends to her mother, but the mother says, " May J present my daughter, Mrs. Blank? " though, if the introduction be to a man, she follows the usual rule. If one man introduce another to a lady, after permission has been secured, the pre- sentation is made complimentary in its formula, " Miss A., Mr. B. desires the pleasure of your acquaintance." In introducing strangers, some little personality may serve as a starting-point for conversation, 18 INTRODUCTIONS "Mrs. A., do you know Mrs. Z. ? Such enthusi- astic golfers should know each other ; " or, " Mrs. Z., let me present Miss A. to you. She is newly arrived, and I want her to know all my most charming friends." A lady should rise when another is presented to her, unless she is much younger than herself. She keeps her seat and bows, when a man The proper is presented. Men usually shake hands courtesies when introduced to one another ; women at an in ~ troduction merely bow and smile with cordial gra- ciousness, unless they desire to show special friend- liness. It is a graceful act for an elderly woman to extend her hand to a younger at an introduc- tion. When a man and woman are presented, both make a slight inclination of the head and body, and each pronounces the other's name in courteous recognition. Some persons think it more cordial to add the meaningless greeting, " How do you do, Mr. " or " Miss ? " though their health is remote from their thoughts. One of the trivialities, magnified by fashion into a sort of " shibboleth," is the custom of saying at an introduction, " I am happy to meet you," and not " Pleased to meet you," which is considered provincial. If one can explain why it is a grati- fication, because of a mutual friend or a common interest or pursuit, the compliment makes an ex- cellent beginning for conversation. A man being presented to two or more ladies at a time should not single out one for special atten- 19 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS tion, but should endeavor to make each one feel his interest in what she says. After an introduction, if a man wishes to excuse himself, he must take his leave only after he has been the last speaker, adding a word of apology. Some persons in making an introduction mum- ble the names so indistinctly that both parties are Names ^ e ft m embarrassment. For some rea- clearly son people are " touchy " about being pronounced cal j ed by Qther names t h an their own If your name is " Holt," it is not pleasant to be addressed as " Dolt." It is wiser to say at once that the name escaped one and ask the person himself to repeat it. This sometimes gives him the gratifying opportunity of explaining who his people are, which, if one is amiable, one will not mind there is pleasure in giving pleasure. Although presentations may be requested, it is not usual to solicit letters of introduction. You Letters then not only ask a favor of your friend, ofintro- but that he should ask a favor of his duction f r ; en( j on y Our behalf. Such requests must be made diplomatically. You may speak of your wish to an intimate friend, who may vol- unteer to get letters for you from some mutual acquaintance, since it is always easier to ask favors for others than for one's self ; or you may mention the fact of your intended sojourn at a given place in the presence of one who may, if he please, do you a kindness in making you acquainted with his friends residing there. Or 20 INTRODUCTIONS again, you may talk to him so as to interest him in your visit. Diplomacy comes so perilously near deceitfulness that one would not wish to be too proficient in its exercise. Your need or your ad- vantage must be your best appeal to your friend when he knows your plans. His right to impose an obligation upon his friend is authorized only by intimacy, the rule of social indebtedness, or the certainty that he is doing an undoubted kindness to both in bringing you together. Those who have seen Europe many times as tourists wish to know the people themselves, how they live, what they do in their homes and at their pleasures. Letters that open hospitable doors are therefore eagerly desired, and if the traveller seek new and untrodden ways, curiosity is not less keen. A letter of introduction is always left unsealed and is usually briefly worded : DEAR , This is to introduce my friend Mr. The form /. , T , , of an intro- , of whom I have spoken to you. duction by Any kindness that you may show him letter will be warmly appreciated. A second letter is often sent, giving some particu- lars about the friend introduced, and the degree of attention solicited in his behalf. " Be nice to him" is a phrase which seems to cover as much or as little ground as the recipient pleases. It is a mistake to praise people to one another overmuch before presenting them. Expectation ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS is easily keyed too high for ordinary human fulfilment. A card should be left with a letter of introduc- tion, without asking to see the person addressed. It is more courteous to send it by messenger than by post, if unable to go in person. If the letter is sent, it should enclose the card of the person in- troduced in order to give the address. The recipient should call promptly, after which the ladies of his family call attention imposed upon those belonging to the party of by notes the bearer of the letter. of mtro- j^ dinner is the usual courtesy ex- duction , . , tended, always the highest social compliment, though a little real friendliness out- weighs many compliments. Those who have them usually send their carriages to those who have presented letters of introduction, put the men of the party up at one or more clubs con- sidered representative, and see that all are in- vited to whatever social event is occupying public attention. But as wealthy people live more or less alike all over the world, the traveller will often better appreciate a simpler hospitality. National dishes at table, modest functions peculiar to the place and people, please and interest a stranger, and to welcome him into a home atmosphere is to do him the greatest possible kindness. A visiting-card, with the words " Introducing Mr. Blank " written above the engraved name of INTRODUCTIONS the sender, has merely its face value, and imposes no social obligation. Should we receive a letter of introduction we should regard it as a sacred claim upon our hospi- tality. The French have a proverb, " The friends of our friends are our friends." 23 Chapter Second MERRY young mother, desirous that her little flock should be well mannered and observant of the " small, sweet courtesies," sugar- coated the pill of duty and turned her teachings into play by saying to them, " The good fairies have invited the members of your little bodies to a tea-party, but before they go, each one must have lessons in behavior, for fairy manners are very dainty." Then followed a merry hour in which knees were drilled in graceful genuflections, heads were taught to bow, hands to meet in friendly clasp, and lips to smile the frowns away, if their owners were victims of another's awkwardness. Small arms were trained to crook themselves gallantly and be accepted with graciousness, and a fairy tea- party closed the exercises, a sylvan feast at which the pixie hostesses were quite visible to the youthful imagination and added greatly to the pleasure of the guests by their presence. The story recalls the fact that heads, hands, lips, arms, and knees all have their lessons to learn, their parts to play in the drama of society. They vary in different countries and in different ages of the same country. 24 SALUTATIONS It is but a few years ago that a gentleman in- variably offered his arm to a lady whom he accom- panied on the street after dark, and Obsolete married and engaged couples frankly courtesies proclaimed their relations by walking arm in arm in the daytime, the former distinguishable from the latter by a more matter-of-fact bearing. Now it is optional whether a man shall say " I think you will find it better to take my arm," when some special reason suggests the advisability. The cus- tom seems to survive only upon few occasions. When a company is passing to the dining-room upon the announcement of dinner, a gentleman offers his arm to the lady whom his ., hostess directs him to take in, though a man she seems not to be in urgent need of to offer support or protection. Upon formal hisarm? occasions, the fashion is growing for the men to offer their arms to the ladies when they withdraw from the dining-room, and having seated them, bow and retire, to enjoy each other's society for a time. In a ball-room the matter seems to be left to individual choice whether or not a man shall offer his arm, though it is no longer good form to enter the room arm in arm. The lady precedes her escort by a step or two, to be greeted by their hostess. A wedding, as the most ceremonious of func- tions, imposes a rather more courtly etiquette. The guests, upon arrival at the church, are met 25 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS by the ushers, who offer their arms and conduct the ladies to their places. It is noticeable that the custom is so little practised elsewhere that the women have grown sometimes a bit awkward in accepting the little courtesy. Their step should be in perfect accord with that of the escort, and the lady's wrist reach no farther than the bend of the man's elbow. Of course a lady never makes a movement to take a man's arm anywhere until it is offered. There are occasions when the protection of a man's arm, even in so conventional an attitude, may be of real service. In threading one's way through a crowd or in passing by a mixed multi- tude, a woman is more secure from jostling or a possible familiarity. The attitude is a representa- tive thing, understood by the roughest to mean that a man is pledged to the care and defence of the lady upon his arm. It must be confessed that though the early- Victorian young lady, who was given to fainting and cultivated a " pretty helplessness," has gone out of fashion, most women like to see a little soli- citude for their protection, even though the danger be apocryphal. A recent heroine of fiction who claimed the hero's protection from the imaginary danger of an infuriated bull, clinging to his arm with the ten- derness born of extreme apprehension, may be thought to have carried this feeling rather too far. She confessed, only when her engagement was an 26 SALUTATIONS assured fact, that she had known all along that the animal was a cow ! The hero explained that he had his own reasons for not undeceiving her at the time. To return to our " muttons." With the excep- tion of the instances given, the custom of " arm- ing," as they call it in England, has gone out of fashion. This might seen a decline in courteous custom, but the " ceremony of the hat " is a little The "cer- more punctilious than formerly. A emony of man now, as always here and in Eng- t e at land, waits the lady's recognition before he raises his hat to her, whereas on the Continent the gen- tleman takes the initiative ; but we have adopted the foreign manner of removing the hat upon many occasions when some years ago it was considered unnecessary. Some of our compatriots in the late sixties were much criticised in Europe for the fondness for their hats. A German clicks his heels together and brings his head to the level of his sword-belt. Modern manners offer no form of deference so grand and thorough as a Frenchman's bow, he superbly waves his hat all around him ! These fine obei- sances did not commend themselves to our for- bears' imitation. Yankee backbones do not take kindly to prostration, and will not bend one inch lower than is felt to be consistent with personal dignity; but we have learned to distinguish be- tween civility and servility. 27 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS A gentleman raises his hat when presented to a woman, when meeting or taking leave of her, when about to address her, or when she first speaks to him for whatever reason, if he passes her on a stair- way or in front of her in a public conveyance, at a theatre or elsewhere, indeed, whenever the least apology would be in order, when he offers his services in any way, even tacitly, or shows her some trifling courtesy, and he should always raise his hat when acknowledging her thanks. A man should pay the same mannerly tribute to her sex when a woman enters an elevator, and re- main uncovered during her stay therein. In a pic- ture gallery, in the lift of a business building, in corridors or vestibule of a theatre or in a hotel office, being public thoroughfares, a man retains his hat; but if she pass him and the way be narrow he makes way for her and lifts his hat. In hotel lifts and corridors he removes it if women are present. A gentleman always raises his hat upon recog- nizing an acquaintance who has a lady with him. If the friend with whom he may happen to be bows to a lady, he shows the same courtesy, though she may be unknown to him. Should a lady be with him, and recognize a friend, man or woman, he should lift his hat in salutation. The A bow should always be returned, etiquette one may be mistaken for some one of a bow e j se> an( j ma y b e cordia^ gracious, deferential, formal, friendly, or familiar, but never other than polite. 28 SALUTATIONS Should we receive a bow from some one whom we wish to avoid, if a discreet blindness that cannot wound be impossible, a slight bow unaccompanied with a smile may suffice to mark the degree of acquaintance that we desire to acknowledge. To give the cut direct is a discourtesy of which no person of any breeding would be guilty. A gentleman who had been an old family friend of a woman who through a wealthy marriage had be- come socially conspicuous, said of her: "Mrs. V. bows to me with her eyelids now. Well, I suppose that she must draw the line some- where ! " Men raise their hats to each other when they are introduced, when they have ladies with them, as a mark of deference to their elders, and in acknowledgment of any trifling service shown to a woman in their charge. A clergyman is shown this courtesy. A gentleman raises his hat to his mother, father, or sister when meet- ing them on the street or in taking leave of them. Our young men are sometimes open to criticism by the neglect of a small courtesy that Europeans invariably pay one another. When a A int of man addresses a young woman at a etiquette ball or reception, he is apt to ignore her neglected ,. ., . c , , in America companion altogether, if he be a man. If the girl presents them, she is often astonished to hear the new-comer say with utmost familiarity, 29 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS " Halloa, Jack! " or whatever his most intimate name may be, adding for her enlightenment, " Oh, we went to school together," or, " We are old chums." Courtesy demands that he bow to the lady's companion before addressing her, though he may bow to her first. The salute is the proper recognition of the other's presence, and implies an apology for intruding upon his intercourse with the lady. Bowing A man addressing a lady out of doors conven- takes his hat quite off, and remains un- tions covered until she asks him to resume it, which she will do promptly if she is either well bred or considerate. Although, as has been said, a man waits for a lady to bow first, among friends one does not wait for the other; the recognition would be simul- taneous. When men are riding or driving and cannot lift their hats, they bow bending from the waist, and raise the whip to the hat-brim. It often happens that ladies who entertain hos- pitably invite many young men to their houses whose families they know, but whom they some- times fail to recognize on the street. Young men must not be over-sensitive in these matters. That a lady invites him to her house is an evidence of her acknowledgment of his acquaintance, and he may lift his hat in passing her in token of respect, though he does not look at her and so challenge her recognition. 3 SALUTATIONS In the matter of salutations, the courtesy has had a revival, not the ceremonious inclination of the times of our stately grandmothers, but a curious little dip, a slight, quick bend- ing of the knee, that in England is known as the " charity bob " in society slang, it having long been there the usual acknowledgment by a beneficiary in accepting alms or favors, and is a somewhat wooden-jointed reverence. In France it has always had place among the social traditions of the ladies of the Faubourg St. Ger- main, that stronghold of Parisian exclusiveness, whose reverences show the nicest gradations of etiquette. With a Frenchwoman salutation is an art. From the low, sweeping courtesy at a first introduction to a womtn of higher rank than her own, down to the familiar nod and extended hand with which, with- out rising from her sofa, she greets her men friends, the exact degree of permitted intimacy is indicated. We, being a stiff- necked generation, are not so proficient, but it has been considered good form for the past few years for young girls to make the little inclination when accepting the hand of an older woman extended in greeting, particularly if that lady be her hostess. As the fashion was inaugurated by those having the ad- vantage of social prestige, it has had a season of popularity, but is already on the wane. Any little mark of deference from youth to age is worthy of encouragement in America, but there is among us 31 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS a rampant protest against artificiality in any form, which is commendable in theory. The Anglo-Saxons are said to be fond of shak- ing hands, and as a vehicle for the emotions, it seems to satisfy all the requirements for Shaking * hands friendly intercourse, expressing cor- diality, sympathy, congratulation, even affection, as well, we think, as the effusive embraces between bearded men that we sometimes see on the Continent. Hand meets hand in friendly clasp, but only real intimacy authorizes any other touch of the person. A slap on the back from any one but a close friend is an unwarrantable liberty. The custom of shaking hands comes from the remotest barbarism, when two men, meeting, gave each other their weapon hands as a security'against treachery. Much might be said on the subject of hand- shaking. Some hands feel like a dead thing, so inertly do they drop from one's clasp ; others by over-cordiality inflict torture if rings are worn, while others again are impertinent in giving too lingering a pressure. Verily breeding is shown in trifles. As has been said, men shake hands with each other at introductions; women, only when desiring to be especially cordial. Of course, a man never offers his hand first to a lady (unless he is her host, when he may do so with all propriety), but must wait for her initia- 3 2 SALUTATIONS tive; nor will he take her ungloved hand in his without first removing his own glove, though it is better to retain it than to be awkward and too obviously concerned about it. Among friends one does not wait for the other, punctilio is not in place. When greeting mother and daughters, one should be particular to shake hands with the mother first; and upon making calls, a woman often finds, upon entering the drawing-room, that personal friends have preceded her. She must be careful to greet her hostess first, ignoring all others until after that courtesy has been paid. Even the manner of shaking hands is regulated by convention. Both hands held out at a distance from the body express the extreme of intimate cordiality, and the hand opened wide, palm upward, with the arm held almost straight, marks a degree of familiarity that the bent elbow and partly closed hand does not suggest. In accepting the hand of Royalty at a presentation, one receives it on the upper side of one's own open hand, so supporting it while one bends and kisses it. To clasp the august member would be the extreme of bad form. Time was, not very long ago, when women kissed each other habitually when meeting and parting, even in the street, if intimacy warranted -ru j j Kissing it. The custom is now regarded as provincial, except among close friends and in pri- vate. Mechanical, perfunctory kisses cheapen one 3 33 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS of the few modes of expression inspired by our tenderest emotions. The custom is a curious one when one stops to analyze it. In the Society and Friendly Islands they rub noses, "other lands, other ways." 34 Chapter Third INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS 'N Oriental scholar tells us that when a rich man made a feast in old Jerusalem, the socially elect were notified by servants sent/ to the houses of the several guests to make the announcement, " Come, for all things are now ready." In default of clocks and watches, such an ar- rangement was an insurance against belated arrivals. What an economy of effort is our privilege in these days, when on hospitable thoughts intent! A competent engraver and the indefatigable post- man leave us but the trouble to make the selection of our guests, since the invitations may even be addressed where they are printed, if it be so desired. The square of card-board or hand-written note stands for much. To the recipients it is the rec- ognition that they have a place among their fel- lows, that they are wanted, that " the pleasure of their company is requested " falls agreeably on the ear. 35 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS An invitation being a compliment, the wording is always cordially courteous. Its conventional The form for ceremonious functions is a proper large, unglazed card, or sheet of heavy form for English paper, usually engraved in invitations . though> for the gake of novelty) the lettering varies according to fashion. Wedding and dinner invitations are always issued in the names of host and hostess, but In whose ^ or balls, dances, afternoon receptions, name teas, and garden-parties, the invitations issued are sen t m the name of the hostess alone, for some unexplained reason, except when a widower entertains for his daughters. If a daughter preside over his household, her name should appear jointly with his. If a reception is given in the evening, the hus- band's name should appear on the invitation and he would receive with his wife. A Evening y OUn rr girl should never invite men receptions , in her own name for any function, however informal, but she may write over her own signature that her mother or chaperon desires her to extend the invitation. The word " ball " is never used in a private invitation. The object of the entertainment is Invitations indicated by the word " Dancing " or for balls " Cotillion " in one corner of the card and dances Qr sheet The ugual form j g ft large card with the words, INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS Mrs. Irving Knickerbocker At Home Thursday evening, January the fourth at ten o'clock Cotillion at eleven R. s. v. p. Fifty West Fiftieth Street It is considered more elegant, however, to leave a blank for the name to be written in, addressing the guest in the third person, Mrs. Irving Knickerbocker requests the pleasure of company on Wednesday evening January the fourth, at ten o'clock Dancing Twenty-Fifth Avenue In the case of a costume ball the special fea- ture of the entertainment is engraved in the lower left-hand corner of the card of balls invitation, "Bal poudreY' " Costume." For a dinner dance two sets of invitations are issued. To those whom the hosts wish to enter- tain at dinner a note is written, or an engraved dinner-card used, with the , mner dances name written in, and " Dancing at eleven " in the corner. To those invited for the dancing only, the usual " At Home " card is sent, with the words " Dancing at eleven " in the lower left-hand corner. 37 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL "OCCASIONS For an informal dance the invitations are writ- ten, either in the formula previously dances quoted or in a friendly note. Original- ity is not looked for; every one fol- lows the stereotyped form, MY DEAR Miss JAY, Will you give us the pleasure of your company at an informal little dance, on Tuesday evening, February the fourth, at nine o'clock? The Cotillion will begin at ten, and we hope that no previous engagement may deprive us of the pleasure of seeing you. Very cordially yours, KATHERINE LIVINGSTON. January the twenty-third. If the note-paper be not engraved with the ad- dress, it should of course be written. For a subscription ball, such as the Assembly, the card is double, opening like a book, Subscrip- . tion dances m or " er to accommodate the names of the patronesses within, and is en- graved, The pleasure of company is requested at the Second Assembly Thursday, January the twenty-eighth at nine o'clock Then follow the names of the four ladies of the Reception Committee. It is customary to state 38 INVITATION'S AND ANNOUNCEMENTS on the card where the ball is to take place, but the patronesses of the Assembly omit it, assuming that it is too well known to require mention. If a single card is used, the names of the patronesses are engraved at the back. Each subscriber is usually entitled to five or six cards of invitation, which he distributes among his friends. The person giving the invitation encloses the card with a note, saying in few words that the writer hopes that the recipient may be able to use it. It usually encloses as well a " voucher " or " coupon," a small card bearing the date of the ball and the name of the guest, to be presented at the door, as a safeguard against the intrusion of persons not invited. A sample invitation for a dancing- For class reads as follows : dancing- classes The pleasure of M company is requested as a member of the Fortnightly Dances to be held in The Astor Gallery, Waldorf-Astoria, on Tuesday evenings, Dec. 4th and i8th, Jan. 8th and 22nd, Feb. 5th and ipth, 1900-1901. Cotillion from half-past nine until half-past twelve. Dues $15.00, payable before November ist. Patronesses. (Here follow the ladies' names.) As the membership is limited, an answer is re- quested before May first, to (Name and address) 39 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS A sheet of coupons accompanies each card of membership. These vouchers are dated, and one is detached, signed, and presented at the door of the hall where the dance takes place, at each meet- ing of the class. The privilege of inviting guests is occasionally allowed to the members of the class, upon payment of a stipulated sum for each. In each case the permission of a patroness must be secured. For an informal dance the invitations are sent out two weeks in advance of the entertainment, for a When to ^ a ^ the ear lier notification of three send the weeks is customary, but where special invitations costume is to be a marked feature of the function, guests are bidden four or five weeks before the date fixed upon. Where bachelors are the hosts, they never rep- resent themselves as " At Home " in an invitation, Invitations but " request the honor " of the guests' from presence. Mrs. Sherwood, in her book bachelors Qn Sodal Usage) tells an amus i ng story of a young man who was guilty of this faux pa$ and received in reply to his invitation, " Mrs. is happy to hear that Mr. So and So is at home, and hopes that he may remain there, but of what possible interest is it to Mrs. ! " The reproof was witty and well merited, but what of the lady's own politeness? For a ball or large dance where the preparations Requesting are on an extensive scale, one may ask invitations an invitation for a friend, if that friend be a distinguished person, a young dancing man 40 INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS for whom one can answer, or some one who will contribute to the brilliancy or charm of the enter- tainment; but if courteously expressed, a nega- tive reply should never give offence. A hostess is often unable to ask all whom she herself would like to. Consideration for other guests should prevent a too generous hospitality. For a single reception, or for an after- F r a noon entertainment to introduce a rece P tlon .... or d6bu- daughter to society, the form of mvita- tante tea tion is as follows : Mrs. George De Forest Winthrop Miss Winthrop At Home on Saturday, January the sixth from four until seven o'clock Five, Fifth Avenue It is in accordance with custom and propriety that a mother shall include in her invitations for her daughter's " coming out " reception the sons of all her friends ; and often an intimate friend, knowing certain young men for whom she can vouch, will ask for invitations for them, and will enclose with each one her own visiting-card. When a second daughter is " introduced," her name as Miss " So and so " Winthrop should be placed be- neath her sister's, if she is unmarried. When a lady expects to receive on two or more days in a month, she uses her visiting-cards with the dates engraved or, more informally, written 41 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS in one corner to apprise her friends of the fact. Her card may also be used to invite a few friends Invitations ^ or a sma ll afternoon tea, a tennis party, for " Days or any simple gathering when one would at Home" em phasize informality. Invitations for receptions should include one's entire acquaintance. Hesitation is sometimes felt at asking persons in mourning. For a few weeks after a bereavement invitations would seem intrusive, but after that people are pleased at being remem- bered. No response should be expected from them. Enclosed with a formal card of invitation for a reception is sometimes the visiting-card of a mar- ried daughter or some other member of the family closely identified with it. When receptions are given in honor of some Receptions distinguished guest, it is usual to preface in honor the invitation with the form, T meCt The Honorable Peter Stirling The members of a club formed for social pur- Invitations poses are provided with engraved cards to club of invitation, with blanks to be filled in, receptions inwriting; for example, M requests the pleasure of company the at nine o'clock punctually to meet the Thursday Evening Club No R. s. v. p. 42 INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS The initials standing for the French words, " Repondez, s'il vous plait," are going somewhat out of fashion. As they are a reminder to be polite, their omission is perhaps in better taste. They should not be written in four capitals, as is sometimes done most incorrectly. The etiquette governing dinner invitations is simple, but not always understood. Foreigners visiting us wonder at receiving invi- invitations tations to dine " informally " and find- for ing an elaborate entertainment. The dinners phrase is sometimes honest, sometimes an affecta- tion ; but the form of the invitation should convey plainly the sort of entertainment that one may expect and dress for. The interval between the invitation and the dinner is also an indication. Two weeks is the customary time of notification before a dinner, although during the height of the season, where it is desirable to secure , When to some special guest, a clever hostess will sen d sometimes anticipate the usual interval invitations by a day or two, and so gain precedence for a ,. , . . dinner for her invitation. For an informal dinner, breakfast, or luncheon, the invitations may be deferred until within a week of the time set for the entertainment or, better, ten days, to allow /or regrets and substitutions. For ceremonious dinners the en- Form of graved card is used, like that for recep- invitation tions. The guest's name, the hour and f T ^*~ date are written in by hand. dinners 43 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS Mr. and Mrs. Elliot Carleton request the pleasure of company at dinner on at o'clock Nine, Gramercy Park Persons who entertain often, keep these blank forms to be filled in upon occasion. They are technically called " engraved blank cards," and are found very convenient. The particular nature of the entertainment is written in the lower left- hand corner. Written For a less formal dinner the hostess invitations would write as follows : Mr. and Mrs. Elliot Carleton would be happy to see Mr. and Mrs. Blank at dinner, on Wednesday January the twenty-fourth at eight o'clock January the tenth The note-paper usually has the address, but if it bear only the family arms or crest the address should be written in. invitation ^ or an informal little dinner, and for a little indeed on most ordinary occasions, dinner ^g hostess writes : MY DEAR MRS. LIVINGSTON, Will you and Mr. Livingston give us the pleas- ure of your company at dinner on Wednesday 44 INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS evening, January the twenty-fourth, at half after seven o'clock? Hoping that nothing may disappoint us of see- ing you, I am yours cordially, FLORENCE CARLETON. January the tenth. For a friendly little feast a week's notice, or less, suffices, and the guests are bidden Among by unconventional, spontaneous notes, intimate which by their very style seem to fnends promise " a good time," yet for which no pre- scribed form is possible. Eleventh-hour invitations are only for intimate friends, to whom the circumstances should be frankly explained and their presence requested as a special favor. Luncheon invitations follow the same rules as those prescribed for dinners, except Invitations that an engraved invitation is less fre- for quently used, as the entertainment is generally somewhat informal. breakfasts For a ceremonious drawing-room concert, to be given in the evening, the invitations i nvitat i ons are issued in the names of the host and for hostess. The engraved " At Home " musicaies, card is used, with the names of the car . parties, guests written in. In the lower left- private hand corner the word " Music " is en- theatricals, graved, or the special musical attraction recitatlons of the evening is there mentioned. 45 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS For an afternoon " musicale," which is always more informal than an evening function, a hostess uses her visiting-card to notify her friends of her desire for their presence. In the lower left corner is written either simply the word " Music " or the chief feature of the entertainment to be given, adding between what hours the guests are expected. Or less formally, she may write a brief message on her card ; as, for instance, " Will you come in on Wednesday afternoon for a cup of tea and to hear a little music or to hear Mr. sing which, I think, you will enjoy?" The same rules are followed for other hospitalities ; the words " Private Theatricals," " Cards," " Recita- tions," etc. indicating the nature of the entertain- ment A house party requires such careful selection Invitations ^ g uests that invitations may be given for house at anytime that will insure their accept- parties ance by the persons desired. In inviting friends to visit us for several days, we now imitate the English frankness and state plainly how long the visit is to last. It is kind to be explicit, and every one understands that in order to plan for other guests definite arrange- ments are necessary. Should the hostess leave the matter in uncer- tainty, the visitor in his reply to the invitation should mention the length of the intended visit. The words "house party" are never used in an invitation. The hostess writes, " I am asking 46 INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS a few friends," etc. She usually mentions the friends who are expected, and suggests the sports and pastimes that the place affords, that it may be known what dress will be required. A time-table is often enclosed with the invitation, indicating the train or boat to be taken, or offering a selection. All invitations are given in the name of the lady of the house, though a man may not hesitate, of course, to accept the invitation of his host. It is more courteous if that gentleman include his wife's name when giving the invitation. When bidding guests to a garden party the most careful and detailed information should be given about trains and conveyances, mentioning the hour for the return as parties well as for the arrival of guests. When an opera or theatre party is in contem- plation, the same number of men and women are invited, a week or a fortnight before the evening decided upon. The entertain- Theatre parties ment either begins with a dinner or ends with a supper. Engraved invitations are never used for such hospitalities, but a friendly, informal note should give all possible information that is likely to be desired. No mention need necessarily be made of the supper, unless among intimate friends. It is taken for granted if there is no invitation for dinner. If the performance is to be at the opera, a woman is glad of a hint whether the seats are to be in the orchestra or in a box. If a man invites a theatre party, he secures the 47 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS chaperon first, and mentions her name in the other invitations. Verbal invitations are apt to place a person in an embarrassing position. One should always be given the chance to decline. Of course, . er . a among intimate friends all such con- mvitations D siderations are in abeyance. Where a verbal invitation has been accepted, it is always wise to send a few lines by way of reminder, stat- ing the day and hour of the entertainment. Invitations by telephone are found too conven- ient not to be popular, but they are, Invitations r i , ... ... of course, only used among intimate by telephone friends. Formal betrothal announcements are chiefly in favor among persons of German parentage or Betrothal descent. I might whisper, in very small announce- print, that possibly with us the unstable ments na ture of an engagement makes us deprecate too much publicity. Notice of a betrothal is sent by the young woman's parents to their friends, while the pro- spective bridegroom acquaints his friends with the news of his happiness, at least six weeks before the marriage ; the cards being engraved as follows : Mr. and Mrs. Gustav Muller have the pleasure to announce the betrothal of their daughter Friede to Mr. Albrecht von Zeller. INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS The card sent by the young man states that " he has the honor to announce his betrothal to Miss Friede Muller, daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Gustav Muller." It is a custom favored by some persons to an- nounce to their acquaintance the news of the birth of a child. A tiny card bearing the Announc- name of the new arrival is tied by a nar- ing birth row white ribbon to a larger card upon a which are engraved the names of the parents. A card should be sent at once upon its receipt, with the word " Congratulations " written upon it, or some expression that may briefly convey to the happy parents that one rejoices with them ; but a note announcing the joyous event which is the usual notification among friends should be answered by a note, written with hearty, kindly sympathy. The style of invitation used for wedding anni- versaries is the regular " At Home " card, with the monogram stamped in gold or Invitations silver from a die at the top, in f or the centre, with the date of the mar- wedding anmver- riage and the present date engraved, on either side. The words " Golden Wedding," " Silver Wedding," do not appear, the tincture of the monogram suggests them. The maiden name of the wife and the husband's full name are engraved either at the top or bottom of the invitation. 49 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS 1850 DL 1900 Mr. and Mrs. John Darby At Home on Tuesday, December the tenth from eight until ten o'clock Eighty Fifth Avenue John Darby Joan Lovejoy Invitations for christenings are rarely engraved. A formal note " requesting the honor of the Invitations presence " of the guest at the christen- for a ing, or a friendly communication written christening by the mot h er , or in her name, are the usual modes of notification. It is not permitted by etiquette to invite a hus- band without his wife or a wife without her Inviting husband, where both are accessible, married however regrettable the fact that the pei sons attractions of opposites" is responsible for some very incongruous pairing. Especially at dinners are we conscious that married people are often mated, not matched. Invitations for weddings, balls, receptions, and formal dinners are addressed to " Mr. and Mrs. Address- ," but a note of invitation written by in s the hostess to the wife is of course ad- invitations dressed on the envelope to the lady only, although it includes her husband. This is, strange to say, not always understood. Where two sisters are invited by note, the elder is addressed and the younger included. 5 INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS Invitations are sent to " The Misses " where there is more than one daughter in the household. With this exception it is proper to send a separate invitation to each member of a family residing at the same address. " The Messrs. " is obsolete. It has always been thought that the most cour- teous way of sending invitations is by carrier, but as it involves much trouble and expense sending and mistakes have so frequently oc- the invi- curred, it is now universally conceded tations to be entirely correct to send them by mail. In such case invitations for ceremonious functions are enclosed in extra envelopes, which receive the stamp and full address ; the inner envelopes bear- ing but the name are left unsealed. In case of a death, serious illness, or accident, the invitations may be recalled for a wedding re- ception or other formal entertainment by sending to the guests small cards . ' invitations explaining the situation in few words. The cards may be written or printed in script, the wording somewhat as follows : Owing to a death in the family, Mr. and Mrs. Brayton Lee will be unable to receive their friends on Friday, January the tenth. It is an inflexible rule that an invi- Answer- tation for a dinner, luncheon, breakfast, . invitations or theatre-party should be answered within twenty-four hours. There should be the ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS best possible reason for delay, if more than a day or two elapse between the invitation and the reply. Invitations for receptions, wedding ceremonies at church, and afternoon teas require no acknowl- Invitations edgment ; the presence of the person requiring invited serves as an acceptance. The no answers mv it a ti O n to the church ceremony is little more than an announcement of the marriage. If unable to attend an afternoon tea or reception to which one is bidden, cards are sent enclosed in envelopes on the day of the entertainment, if possi- ble while it is in progress. It is a safe rule that whenever it would seem to be a convenience to one's hostess to know how many guests to expect, to send an answer. Forms of Replies should be written in the same reply to style and degree of formality as the invitations i nv itation, using the first or third per- son as therein employed. In accepting an invitation, one should say, "It gives me much pleasure to accept," etc, not " it will give." The invitation is accepted ccept " when one promises to be present. The ances r day and hour mentioned in the invita- tion should be repeated in the acceptance. It gives assurance to the hostess that there has been no mistake or misunderstanding. It is a common grammatical error to say, " It gives my husband and myself much pleasure to accept," etc. One cannot say, " It gives myself." 52 INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS A new departure from established custom places first the name of the person addressed, A novel allowing the signature to take its proper acceptance place; as, Mrs. Arthur Griswold's very kind invitation for luncheon on Wednesday, January the tenth at half after one o'clock, is accepted with sincere pleasure by Mary Field Morris An invitation should never be accepted pro- visionally ; as, for instance, " I should be Provisional delighted to accept your charming invi- accept- tation if I am well enough," or " if I am ances still in town." These phrases are both incorrect and impolite. One never answers any form of invitation on a visiting-card, and one's reply should be returned by messenger if the invitation come by hand, in which case the greater promptitude is imposed. Married persons should never reply _ r* Replies to to a dinner invitation that one will invitations accept where both are invited ; the twain by married are one in social recognition. persons If a woman desires to accept an invitation for a dinner, theatre-party, or any entertain- An ment where an equal number of men evasion of and women is desirable, and her husband the rule is unable to accompany her, she may send a regret, 53 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS explaining her reason, if her intimacy with her hostess warrant it. If that lady then wishes to invite her alone, she may accept. A man may do likewise. When regrets are necessary, they should be sent immediately upon receipt of the invitation. Some persons think that a tardy regret con- Regrets * veys the impression of reluctance, as though one could not resign one's self quickly to the disappointment. It is a form of mock politeness little appreciated by the impatient hostess. We no longer " present our compliments," but say quite simply, Mrs. Field regrets that a previous engagement prevents her acceptance of Mrs. Griswold's charm- ing invitation for luncheon on Wednesday, January the tenth. An invitation and reply gain somewhat in ele- gance when the names occupy each an entire line. v If it be desired to convey the idea of real regret, one may say, Mrs. Field regrets sincerely her inability to accept Mrs. Griswold's very tempting invitation for Tuesday evening. Another engagement must deprive her of the pleasure. 54 INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS A bit fulsome, perhaps, but one easily forgives any over-appreciation of a kindness. Those who entertain most, usually infuse much cordiality in their responses. It is sometimes noticed that the politeness is more effusive when the excuse for a regret is not apparent. We can all sympathize with the young man who telegraphed his regret to his host : " Very sorry. Cannot come. No lie ready ! " Alas, we may not economize our polite- ness, though truth be at stake ! It is said with some justice that it is not neces- sary to make any excuses for a regret, and that they are going out of fashion, since the person giving the invitation usually only desires to know whether or not it is accepted, the reasons being matters of indifference, in view of the fact. It is an arbitrary rule, perhaps, but one sanc- tioned by custom, to address the answer to an invitation to the lady of the house, even when it is one in which her husband joins. Invitations to subscription dances are Replies to acknowledged to the persons to whom invitations one is indebted for their receipt. To scnption those from a ball-committee one an- dances swers, " Mr. Blank accepts with pleasure the Commit- tee's kind invitation," etc. It is always wise to keep one's invita- Preserve tions until after the function. One may the , . _ invitation have occasion to refer to them to verify a date or excuse one's self for a supposed mistake. 55 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS To ask a friend to " come sometime " is equivalent to no invitation at all. As a rule, any time means no time. Too many well-meaning persons are impolite without knowing it. No one, however intimate, should invite himself anywhere. The desire may be so tact- onl' m lf falty conveyed that it may or may not be taken advantage of without betray- ing the feelings of either party. Sometimes a lady not having a large circle of acquaintances, or coming as a stranger to a place, Borrowing but who desires to give a dance for her a visiting- daughter or to do honor to some dis- tinguished guest, borrows the visiting- list of a friend socially well known. The card of the lady who thus stands sponsor must be enclosed with the invitation, and the lady herself aids the hostess in receiving the guests. On no account should an invitation be lightly thrown over, for some later suggestion that offers Honor a more tempting prospect. Some per- in keeping sons apparently feel at liberty to make engage- and break engagements according to ments moo d and caprice, which is not only exe- crably bad form, but reveals a selfish disregard for the convenience of others. A woman never accepts an invitation to a house for a call or visit from a man alone. Though he may tell her that his sisters are all anxiety to know her, they may express the eagerness in a note of invitation which should be distinctly cordial. 56 INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS If we are overlooked while others are invited, let us be slow to wrath, and take only the revenge of making ourselves so agreeable when we self- meet those who have so slighted us, that respecting their regret shall be more poignant than behavior our own. For a thoroughly satisfactory revenge, there is nothing better than " coals of fire " ! 57 Chapter Fourth WEDDING INVI- TATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS NVITATIONS for a wedding gen- erally include the entire acquaint- ance of both the families con- cerned, but are always issued by that of the bride, from two to four weeks before the ceremony. Their present form and fashion is a large sheet of heavy English paper, almost square, about seven and a half inches long by six and a quarter inches broad, either white, cream-tinted, or palest gray, folding once to fit the envelope. Upon this is engraved in script or Old English, and occasionally in block lettering, the invitation to the ceremony, enclosing a card, about half its size, for the recep- tion or wedding-breakfast. Simplicity and ele- gance characterize them. No colored arms or initials are ever seen, and historic families are usually the only ones who use crests without inviting criticism. These are embossed in white at the top of the sheet, as is done occasionally with the initial of the bride's family. The plain sheet, however, is more fashionable. The prefix " Miss " is never placed before the young woman's name, but" Mr." is used invariably 58 WEDDING INVITATIONS before that of the man, which is given in full with- out initials. Officers in the regular army and navy above the rank of lieutenant have their titles pre- fixed in full, on invitations. A lieutenant uses the prefix " Mr." His rank and branch of service are engraved in a line beneath his name. Honorary titles are never used, but for a clergyman the word " Reverend " is given in full. It is now considered more elegant to address the guest in the third person, rather than in the second as heretofore, leaving a blank for the correct name, which is filled in by hand. It is wording of the more courtly form, and the written mvita *ins name seems to show a more personal thought for each guest, though the older manner is still correct. The formula is Mr. and Mrs. John Chester Lloyd request the honour of ' s presence at the marriage of their daughter Florence and Mr. James Barrett Wood on Wednesday, April the fifth at twelve o'clock at St. Bartholomew's Church If the invitations are to be sent to acquaintances in other places, the name of the town or State is added. In New York it is usually omitted, prob- 59 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS ably for the same reason that Englishmen resent the word " England " being added after " London " upon the address of a letter. Cards for When a church wedding is followed wedding by a reception, a card is enclosed with receptions jU . .. ,. , a ^ d the invitation to the ceremony, m- breakfast scribed, Mr. and Mrs. John Chester Lloyd At Home on Wednesday, April the fifth at four o'clock Ninety-Fifth Ave. Or, it may repeat the wording of the wedding invitation, substituting the phrase " the pleas- ure of your company" for "the honour of your presence." For a breakfast succeeding a noon wedding, the latter form is preferred. Fashionable precedent thus far endorses the R. s. v. p. on invitations for wedding breakfasts where the guests are to be seated and served at table, or the more elegant English form is substi- tuted : " The favour of an answer is requested." We cannot but think that it is because such wed- ding breakfasts are a comparatively new form of entertainment among us that we should need to be " reminded of our manners." To insure the reservation of the church for those invited and exclude an inquisitive public, it is usual 60 WEDDING INVITATIONS to enclose a small card in each invitation, with the words, Please present this card at St. Bartholomew's Church Madison Avenue and Forty-Fourth Street on Wednesday, April the fifth or a card with the single line, Please present this card at the Church When a great many invitations have been issued, another card is enclosed, whereon the guest's name is written in by hand, and the words en- graved, Mr. and Mrs. will please present this card to an Usher. The gentlemen in the centre aisle officiating as ushers have lists, designating certain pews for special friends. Usually the guests mention their names to them, and the list is hastily consulted. The written name avoids the embarrassment of asking to have the name repeated if the usher fail to catch it. Some persons feel that the re- ligious ceremony has more solemnity and signifi- cance if only their close friends are present, and issue general invitations only for the reception. This fashion is gaining ground. Should the wedding take place at Country the bride's country home or old family weddin & s homestead, cards giving full particulars about the 61 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS trains are always enclosed with the invitations sent to friends at a distance ; as, for example, A special train will leave the Grand Central Station, New York, on the New York, New Haven, and Hartford Railroad at three thirty P. M. Returning, will leave Roseleigh Manor at five forty-five P. M. Please present this card at the station door and to the conductor. This in lieu of a ticket. Or this form, Special cars, reaching Grafton at twelve o'clock, will be attached to the Hartford express, leaving the Grand Central Sta- tion at ten o'clock. Returning, special cars will be attached to the train leaving Grafton at three thirty. In some cases a luncheon is served on the train, in courses, on the usual small tables. Of course carriages will be in waiting to convey the guests to the house. Thirty years ago a wedding invitation always enclosed the cards of bride and groom tied together with a true-lovers' knot of narrow white ribbon. On the lady's card the name was modestly veiled by the card of the bridegroom, which, being smaller, was placed on the outside. This fashion lasted many years. One young American girl in Paris, aiming at novelty, had the name on her card engraved with 62 WEDDING INVITATIONS a line drawn through it, indicating that " Miss " had disappeared from the world's ken. A widower's name appears alone in a wedding invitation for his daughter. In case a bride were an orphan, the invitations would be issued in Where the the name of her eldest bachelor brother, bride is an but the reception would be given by a orphan or married sister or other relative or by ' some intimate friend of the family. Failing a bach- elor brother, a married brother and his wife, in their joint names, or a married sister and her husband would extend the invitations. If these too be lacking, her grandparents, aunt, or, if without rela- tives, her guardian, would make the official an- nouncement of the intended nuptials. Where a widow remarries, her name is accom- panied by the prefix " Mrs," though, as has been said, a girl is never called " Miss " on Remar- her wedding cards ; otherwise the form is "age of a the same. When the contracting parties Wldow themselves send the announcement of their mar- riage, it reads, Mrs. Marian Bronson and Mr. Warren Atherton have the honour to announce their marriage on Tuesday, January the second at twelve o'clock Grace Church At a wedding to which only the family and close friends are invited, it is customary to send the 63 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS announcements by mail, immediately after the ceremony. Invitations for a house wedding are engraved as for a church ceremony, but the " pleasure of the Invitations g uest>s company is requested " instead for of the more stately form of asking the house "honour of the presence of" those in- weddmgs v ^ e ^ which is thought to appropri- ately belong to the more ceremonious function. Reception and breakfast invitation cards are never issued where the wedding takes place at the bride's home, as they follow the Announc- J ing the ceremony invariably. marriage Parents would announce the remar- widowed ria S 6 f a dau S hter thus > - daughter have the honour (or pleasure) to announce the marriage of their daughter Dorothy (Mrs. Harold de Peyster) to Mr. John Baird Livingston on Tuesday, June the eleventh, Nineteen hundred Paris It is a question whether the " honour " of such an announcement is not an assumption on the parents' part. Names of streets are never abbreviated, and addresses are no longer given in numerals. 64 WEDDING INVITATIONS It is a fashion rapidly gaining favor, to send with the wedding invitations and announce- The bride's ments a card giving the bride's future new address and reception day ; thus, address At Home Tuesdays, after January tenth Nineteen, West Fiftieth Street New York No name precedes the formula, since no such per- son exists as is represented by the bride's married name at the time that the invitation is sent. In writing invitations for an informal house wedding to which few are bidden, the wording differs according to the degree of in- Written timacy with the persons addressed. i nv itations The duty devolves upon the bride's mother. To a friend or relative of the bridegroom's with whom she was not well acquainted she would write somewhat as follows : MY DEAR MRS. LEE, It will give my husband and me much pleasure if you and Mr. Lee will come to the very quiet marriage of our daughter Jean and your nephew Mr. Charles Lee (date and hour). We are asking but a few friends, and hope to welcome you and Mr. Lee among them. Cordially yours. Careful lists having been prepared of the entire acquaintance of both families, that no one be 5 65 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS overlooked, the invitations are sent out, about three weeks in advance of the time set for the mar- Sending r i a g e either by messenger or mail. the If sent by post, each invitation is en- invitations c i osec i unsealed in a second envelope. In sending wedding invitations to a family of adults, one should be addressed to the parents, one to the daughters inclusive, as " The Misses," and one to each of the sons. These invitations should be en- closed in separate envelopes, and may be placed in a large one addressed to the head of the house. As a matter of courtesy, invitations are sent to the bridegroom's immediate family. " Mr. and Mrs. Jones and Family " are no longer so designated. If the presence of the minor children is desired, invitations are sent to them. In no case is it permissible to invite a husband without his wife, or a wife without her husband, if both are accessible. The distinction between friends and acquaint- ances is made in enclosing or withholding the reception card, though the size of the house often determines the matter. A breakfast narrows the circle, usually, to more intimate friends. When bereavement or illness necessitates the recall of general invitations, cards printed in script (as de- scribed in the foregoing chapter) are sent to all the invited guests. Those whose presence is desired at the ceremony are then notified by letter. Ceremonious wedding invitations require no answer, unless they be for a breakfast where a 66 WEDDING INVITATIONS seat is to be provided for each guest, but a call should be made soon after the ceremony, cer- tainly within two weeks, upon the Answering bride's mother, or upon those in whose wedding names the invitations are issued. The mvitatlon s bride should be called upon, when it is known where she may be found. Cards are sent on the day of the function by those unable to attend the reception, addressed to those making the invita- tion. The bride, not being the hostess, has no recognition. People living at a distance send their cards by mail to assure their hosts that the invitation has been received. It goes without saying that this acknowledgment is addressed address to the persons giving the invitation, not to the bride. If the invitation is to the church alone, no answer is required. A written invitation of course imposes the courtesy of a prompt reply. Any carelessness in regard to so flattering an attention is inexcusable. A story that went the rounds last winter was of a young man name kindly suppressed who, having overlooked an invitation to a small house wedding, worded his regret to the bride, " I would of loved to of gone ! " Having added the blunder of an ignorant note to the crime of forget- ting a courtesy, he was not forgiven. 67 Chapter Fifth VISITING-CARD CON- VENTIONS 'HE Russians tell a story of the late Czar Alexander III. that upon the rare occasions when it was incum- bent upon him to pay a call, he would take a gold coin bearing his "image and superscription," and twisting it be- tween his thumb and finger, leave it in lieu of a card, the only man in Russia who had strength for the feat. This is the only exception I have heard of to the use of the little squares of paste- board that for more than a century have been the accredited representatives of our personal identity. Before they came into use, the porters at the doors or lodges of great houses kept a visitors' Origin book in which they scrawled their idea of visiting- of the names of those who called upon cards their masters and their families. One fine gentleman, shocked to find that his porter kept so poor a register of the names of those who had done him the honor to call upon him, badly written, with spluttering pen and pale or muddy ink on greasy paper, conceived the idea of writing his own name upon slips of 68 VISITING-CARD CONVENTIONS paper or bits of cardboard in advance of calling upon his friends, lest his name should fare as badly at the hands of porter or concierge. The custom was found so convenient as to have many imi- tators, and soon became general. Fashion, the tricksy goddess, dictated to her vo- taries many styles of visiting-cards before settling upon the present one, some made . . . . Freaks of with a sheen, to imitate silk, enamel, or f as hi on porcelain or tinted in different shades. Others were ornamented with allegorical designs, bordered with lace paper or covered with dainty landscapes, where, as in Du Maurier's early draw- ings, one had to search for the name in some inconspicuous place. Young men of fashion in New York in the early forties affected a card highly glazed, with the name in such microscopic characters as to be almost illegible, which had succeeded the cus- tom of engraving the facsimile of the owner's signature. We always think the last fashion the best, and that wisdom will die with us, but the fact remains that the etiquette of visiting-cards varies , ...... Varying so much from time to time and differs etiquette so in different places that it is impossible to formulate unchangeable rules. For instance, the code observed in Washington is somewhat different from that followed in New York, and what is correct for the residents of large cities is often too formal for people who live in suburbs 69 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS and small towns, while new complications arise because of the increasing complexity of our social life. There are a few rules, however, for visiting through the proxy of a card that the members of polite society in America usually regard, and one shows good breeding in fulfilling their exigencies. Trifles are often important, and the correct use and appearance of the visiting-card are regulated by fashion, the infringement of which stamps one as beyond the social pale. It is of importance that they be engraved at a' trustworthy place, where the demands of the prevailing fashion are well understood. The correct size, thickness of the card, and style of engraving in vogue must all be considered. The present fashion for a lady's visiting-card is one of medium size, almost square, engraved in The script, Old English, or Roman letters on fashion of thin bristol board, the address in the to-day i ower right-hand corner, the reception day in the left. The Old English type has had a recent revival, but a medium-sized script will prob- ably be more lasting in general favor. There should be but one style of lettering on a card. The thin cards have the advantage that many may be carried at once, accommodated in the pocket- book instead of exacting a separate card-case of generous size. The card of a married woman is usually a trifle larger than that of a young girl. For a year, at 70 ' VISITING-CARD CONVENTIONS least, after a girl has entered society, her name is engraved below that of her mother on the same card, as she is not supposed to pay cu u Women's visits alone. She may, however, when cards calling upon her personal friends, use the joint card, drawing a pencil mark through her mother's name, or use her school-girl card, which is engraved without prefix. After a year she may have her own cards as well. Age has its compen- sations ! The prefix " Miss " must always accompany the name of an unmarried woman. Her card does not bear the reception day, if that of her mother does. If Mrs. Brown Jones Smith has two or more daughters in society, "The Misses Smith" is en- graved under her name, or, as one sometimes sees, " Miss Smith," " Miss Geraldine Smith," one below the other. On her separate card the eldest daughter simply uses the family name with the prefix " Miss," while the others appear as " Miss Geraldine," " Miss Dorothy Smith." Diminutives are never used. Sisters often have a card in com- mon, with the form "The Misses Smith." For cards belonging to the same family, the lettering should be alike. Residence numbers are spelled when space permits. A widow retains her husband's Christian name or not, as she pleases, but if she is well known she is so identified with him that her maiden name would look strange. It sometimes occasions em- barrassment, however, if a son bearing his father's ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS name is married. By reason of seniority, a widow's card may read, " Mrs. Blank." This title, assuming a precedence, it is now the fashion to claim, and belongs to the wife of the senior member of a family, the head of a clan, as it were. Anything claimed as a distinction becomes desirable. A divorced woman uses her maiden name with the prefix " Mrs," adding or not her married sur- name, which alone may be retained of her former title. Some few women in New York have dropped their husbands' Christian names from their cards, and put no address on them. Mrs. Astor set the fashion, but it sometimes assumes a prominence that challenges detraction. The " Mr. and Mrs." card is no longer used except during the first year of marriage and to ac- company gifts. The turned-down card formerly indicated a personal call, but is now obsolete. A married woman's card should never, of course, indicate her husband's profession. " Mrs. Colo- nel " and " Mrs. Dr." are incorrect. If a woman, married or single, is a physician, her card should bear her name and professional title, as " Dr. Emily Brown." She should have two sets of cards, one professional and one social. The pro- fessional cards should contain her office address in the lower right-hand corner, the office hours in the left. For such a card Roman lettering is more businesslike than the script. Her social 72 VISITING-CARD CONVENTIONS cards should have her home address and her reception-day, if she has one. It is desirable for a woman to keep her social life distinctly apart from her professional. A man's card is small in proportion to a woman's, its length nearly twice its width. The name is printed in full without initials, always with the prefix " Mr," and bear- car( js ing the address of his home or club or both. His business card should omit the prefix. No titles are used, save military, naval, or judi- cial ones and those of clergymen or physicians. Such cards should read " Captain John Lester," with name of regiment or corps, " United States Army or Navy," in left-hand corner, or " Mr. John Lester," with rank and regiment under the name (a lieutenant always uses the prefix " Mr."), " Mr. Justice Beekman," " Rev. John Storm, D.D.," " Dr. Kenneth Kellogg." A man's written card should carry neither prefix nor suffix. The name thereon is the owner's signature. A youth's card never bears a prefix. A lady's card, however, carries one under all conditions. Persons in mourning use cards with black border of varying widths, according to the degree of rela- tionship with the person mourned, whenever the need for a card arises. At the first call of the season a married woman leaves, with her own, two of her husband's cards for the lady and master of the house, and an 73 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS additional one of her own and three of her son's, Leaving ^ there be young ladies in the family. cards If there be a married daughter living at when home, a card should be left for her, nor call in p* must the visiting guest be overlooked if she is an acquaintance. At subsequent calls she need not leave her hus- band's card, unless he has received an invitation, and she may allow her sons and daughters to assume their own obligations. Common-sense must be used to avoid sending in a pack of cards. There are those who scoff at the custom of leav- ing the husband's card, and call it senseless, alleg- ing that it is absurd that when a man is at his office his card should imply that he has been accompanying his wife on a round of social calls. It deceives no one, but neither is it intended to. It is merely a rather stupid attempt to preserve a married man's social recognition among his own and his wife's acquaintances, since nothing is ex- pected of him in the matter of calls. A servant, unaware of the arbitrary convention, once explained with kindly solicitude to a lady who had left two of her husband's cards, " Excuse me, ma'am, but you are 1'avin' wan too manny." When one's friends have visitors stopping with them with whom we are unacquainted, one need not leave cards for the guests, but it is a mark of much courtesy to the friends to do so. Of course the call should be returned. 74 VISITING-CARD CONVENTIONS In calling upon a friend who is visiting those with whom we may or may not be acquainted, a card should be left for the lady of the house, who uses her own discretion about seeing the caller. When calling upon several ladies, not mother and daughters, a card is left for each. At a hotel one writes on one's card the names of the persons for whom they are intended, never at a private house. In New York the fashionable set follow the English mode, and drive about leaving cards with- out inquiring if the hostess be at home during the " season," except after a dinner or luncheon invi- tation, or upon the reception days of special friends. They justify it on the ground that it is impossible to do otherwise, the distances are so great and their circle of acquaintance so large that personal visits would leave no time for anything else, and life has other duties than social ones. These women are, however, most punctilious in leaving their cards within a fortnight after receiving a call. To econ- omize time, one member of a family often leaves the cards of the rest, dividing the responsibility of a large acquaintance. At receptions, teas, and " days at home," people leave their cards and those of the absent members of their families on the table in the entrance hall, before entering the drawing or reception room. According to strict etiquette, the cards should be left on a tray and the names of visitors announced by the servant at the draw- ing-room door. 75 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS If a young woman be invited to an entertain- ment without her parents, the mother often sends her card afterwards with that of her daughter, in recognition of the attention. A man should leave his card for the mother, when calling upon a young girl, and send it up, if she be at home, leaving it to her discre- tion whether to be present or not during the whole or part of his call. In Eng- land it would be very bad form to ask for the young woman herself at all. He asks only for the mother, though he would probably see the daughter too. Where there are several ladies in a family, and they are at home, he asks the servant to announce him, if he knows them well. If not, he sends up one card, inquiring for all. Should he wish to see one person in particular, he directs that his card be given to her, adding, " Please say to the ladies that I should be happy to see them." If they are out, he leaves a card for the lady of the house, and one for the rest of the family. It is an added compliment to leave an extra one, if he desires to distinguish one daughter from the rest, which it will be understood is intended for the one with whom he is best acquainted. Young men, in paying calls, are not always posted in etiquette. An amusing story is told, in a recent journal, of a young fellow making his first call. He became confused at finding how many persons there were in the family for whom 76 VISITING-CARD CONVENTIONS he should leave a card. Overcome with embar- rassment, he handed to the imperturbable man- servant the entire package, which he had just received from the engravers, and beat a hasty retreat. Young men often intrust their cards to the agency of mother or sister, for society " winks at" the infraction of strict etiquette where they are concerned who are known to be busy. Bache- lors should leave cards upon their host and hostess after an entertainment at which they have or have not been present, and, where there are young la- dies in the family, should call at their earliest opportunity. If they receive an invitation from a stranger, they leave a card the next day, and call after the enter- tainment. If they wish to be very punctilious, they call upon their prospective hostess in any case, before the function, soon after receiving the invita- tion, in recognition of that courtesy. Those who are unable to accept invitations for weddings, receptions, teas, etc., send cards. When bidden only to the ceremony at church, , , . Sending no answer is expected, as stated in a car d s previous chapter. The same rule ap- plies in the matter of the number of cards to be sent, as in personal visits. They are sent by hand or post on the day of the function, if possible while it is in progress, and always enclosed in envelopes. A husband and wife send but one card each, when the invitation is extended by the host- 77 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS ess only; if issued in the names of host and hostess, it is customary to send one of the wife's and two of the husband's. If the daughter's name appear on the invitation, a separate card would be sent for her from each and all the invited guests; especially is this courtesy due to a debutante. Cards for receptions are not sent to the daughters of a family without including their parents as a courteous formality. The circumstances under which cards may properly be left at a door instead of paying a Leaving personal call are when an elderly or and delicate woman desires to make a rec- sending ognition of calls and attentions paid to her. The same privilege is granted the society leader with interminable visiting-list, provided the courtesy is promptly paid after she has received personal calls. Those friends of the bridegroom who are unacquainted with the bride's family leave cards upon the bride's mother in recognition of the wedding invitation. After a man has given an entertainment at his studio, on board his yacht or elsewhere, the ladies who have accepted his hospitality send their cards shortly after by messenger bearing a few words of appreciative 'thanks, or drive to the door of studio or house, sending in their cards by the footman. Upon the announcement of a death friends leave cards at the door of the house of mourning. It is in better taste not to write anything upon 78 VISITING-CARD CONVENTIONS them. After the funeral such messages of con- dolence are welcomed. Upon returning home after a long absence, a lady sends cards to her friends, apprising them of her arrival, and usually inviting them to a " tea " or to her " days at home." A change of residence should be announced early in the season to all one's acquaintances with the new address and reception day. Should a lady happen to open her own door to visitors, they leave their cards as they take their departure in as unobtrusive a manner as possible. The etiquette governing the use of cards other than as a proxy is well defined. They may be used to convey invitations for an informal Other entertainment of almost any nature, but uses of never for acceptances or regrets. t visitmg- A card accompanies a gift, but one's car d thanks must be expressed in a note, never written upon a card. Should the occasion arise, that with her parents' permission a young girl wishes to send flowers, a book, or some trifle to a man friend during illness or under exceptional circumstances, her mother's card should accompany her own. New arrivals send their cards to their friends, who should call promptly and when possible offer some hospitality. In cases of bereavement, friends and In times acquaintances send their messages of bereave - i ment sympathy briefly expressed on their 79 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS cards, which they leave at the door without ask- ing to see any one. Friends on more intimate footing would send notes and call in person after the funeral. Cards and notes of condolence should be acknowledged by a mourning card at the recipient's convenience, upon which may be written a line of thanks expressing appreciation for sympathy and attention, or an engraved card may be sent in rec- ognition of expressions of condolence received, inscribed, Mrs. Blank and her family gratefully acknowledge > s kind expressions of sympathy (Address.) When leaving cards at the door of a friend who is ill, one writes upon them, " To enquire," and for a friend to whom some new joy has come a brief word of felicitation, if only " Congratula- tions ! " Cards of congratulation cannot be left too soon. A card left at one's door or sent by post is the intimation that one's acquaintance is desired. One cannot know what pressure of care or trouble or what matters of health may oblige a woman to lay aside social claims for a season. Our friends must be consistent, however, and we rightly feel aggrieved when singled out for the bald attention of a card when others receive personal visits. 80 VISITING-CARD CONVENTIONS To drop an unwelcome acquaintance, one has only to omit sending or leaving cards. " Pour- prendre cong6" (P. p. c.) cards are sent to friends and acquaintances when one is about to leave town for a long absence, or permanently, or as a mere notification to a few persons of intended de- parture. It is incorrect to capitalize the second and third letters. If the translation were used, the words would be written " To take leave," not " To Take Leave." The " P. p. c." card is the only survival of a passing fashion in France, during which cards were printed with such letters in one corner and others with " P. r." (Partie remise), " P. c " (Pour condoleance), which were intended to convey the object of one's visit to the person whom one did not find at home. An old French nobleman, of a type happily ex- tinct, being told that he had but a short time to live, directed that his P. p. c. cards should be sent to all his acquaintances ! 81 Chapter Sixth THE ETIQUETTE OF CALLING jN France it has long been the cus- tom for every one to send cards by hand or post on New Year's day to one's entire acquaintance. This answers for the year, and no more is thought about it. The recipients are thereby assured that their acquaintance is desired and valued, and the " pasteboard war" ushers in social peace and good-will. It has a sound almost of Arcadian simplicity in comparison with the laborious system with which we have loaded ourselves, as with a millstone about our necks. The truth is that we are trying to pre- serve in our large cities the customs and courteous conventions that fit only small communities. To try to keep up personal social relations with five or six hundred people is to attempt the impossible. Visiting, therefore, has become such a perfunctory obligation, and the difficulty is so well understood, that people do not hold each other to strict account, and show the leniency of which they know them- selves to be in need. Our visiting-lists naturally grow longer with the passing of the years, since one meets charming new people and one does not neglect old friends ; 82 THE ETIQUETTE OP CALLING but the time between sunrise and sunset remains unchanged, so calling for form's sake is growing to be regarded as less imperative. Otherwise, at the end of the season we may find that we have religiously paid the social " mint, anise, and cum- min," have called upon our acquaintances with punctilious politeness, but those for whom we really care have been crowded out of our lives. When we see our friends only in their best gowns and in the society of others, we have to nourish our interest and affection upon what we have known of them " under the surface " in time past, and little by little we grow indifferent and learn to do without them. It is a compliment to human nature that usually, the better we know people, the better we like them, and we are constantly thrown with persons who remain mere acquaintances because we have no time to become friends. Calling seems a rather senseless custom, but as it affords the only manner of recruiting lists for invitations and sets the limits to one's circle of acquaintance, nothing has, as yet, been found to take its place. It is still the aim to make a personal visit once a year upon all one's acquaintance, but many women call only upon those whose cards they have received, naming a reception day ; J ' social aim others give an annual reception or a series of afternoon teas, inviting their entire circle, and returning personal calls by driving from house 83 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS to house and leaving cards without inquiring if the lady be at home. To take this position, a woman must have the excuse of age, delicate health, or undoubted social prominence, having an interminable visiting-list which exempts her from ordinary rules, since it is obvious that her social obligations are not the paramount ones in life. Allowance must be made for such women and for those whose work entitles them to a " special dispensation " for sins of omission, but in the main there must be perfect social equality among ac- quaintance, or at least the semblance of it. According to strictly Old Testament ethics, there must be a call for a call, and a card for a card. It is incumbent upon every one, however, to make personal visits in recognition of dinner, lun- cheon, or other invitations for hospitali- ties limited to selected guests, within a obligation fortnight after the function. Ordinary mortals incur the obligation of a per- sonal visit for each invitation issued for a tea or reception. The presence of a guest at a reception is ac- counted a visit, and this dispo'ses of the question whether or not an after-call is required. Calls after y o e an a ft ernoon tea is only another receptions way for a woman to say, " Come and see me when you will be sure of finding me at home." A reception, like a debutante's " coming out tea," one given to celebrate a wedding anniversary or 84 THE ETIQUETTE OF CALLING any special occasion, does impose the courteous obligation of an after-call. All who have taken part in a wedding brides- maids, ushers, etc. should call upon the bride's mother shortly after the marriage, and upon the bride herself immediately after her return from the honeymoon. It is allowable to take a visiting guest to an ordinary reception, provided a special point is made of presenting her to the hostess. The guest should leave her card, writing the name of her own hostess upon it. This is regarded as little more than an introduction, and does not necessarily impose a return call. To devote one afternoon in each week to one's friends is a near approach to the social ideal. The opportunity is favorable for making new friendships and strengthening old ^ ay ones. City life is so crowded with ex- acting interests that many have reduced these social occasions to four days in the month, some- times to two or to one all-embracing function, when they would come under the head of " after- noon teas." By three o'clock the hostess, dressed in becoming afternoon toilet, should be in her drawing-room ready to receive her friends on the afternoon of her weekly day at home. If a man- servant attends the door, he wears full livery and stands ready to admit visitors at once on the summons of the bell, or anticipates the necessity of its being rung. He offers a small silver tray 85 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS for the cards, or the visitors place them on a large tray on the hall table. At the drawing- room door he politely inquires the caller's name, and then drawing aside the portiere, announces it to his mistress, as the visitor enters. A maid attending the door follows the same routine, ex- cept that she does not announce visitors. The hostess rises and shakes hands with all who come, welcoming them with real cordiality. Where there are but two or three persons present at a time, she introduces them and draws them into general conversation, which they may continue when new-comers claim her attention. She should not devote herself exclusively to any one, and must be on the alert to see that none are overlooked, making presentations as occasion arises. It is the custom to offer tea and some trifling refresh- ment to such visitors as call after four o'clock, which is served at a small table in the room, pre- sided over by the hostess, her daughter, or a friend. If there are many callers, the mistress of the occasion will be glad to be relieved of that duty. On the departure of visitors the hostess rises, again gives her hand, and intimates that their corn- Treatment m h as gi ven her pleasure. She does of not resume her seat until they have departing turned their backs. The servant in the hall helps them with their wraps, opens the door, and if a man, hands the ladies to their carriages under the shelter of an umbrella in the event of bad weather. This, however, only 86 THE ETIQUETTE OF CALLING in case of emergency, for on a stormy day a man should be stationed on the sidewalk to open carriage doors, and shelter all comers under a large umbrella as far as the house door. If a woman has a reception day, her friends should try to call at that time. She need not receive chance callers on any other day. Visiting hours are sensibly restricted to between three and six o'clock. Ladies living in the same street or locality often agree upon the same reception day, for the con- venience of their friends. When a woman has selected a special day to receive visitors, she usually adheres to the choice season after season, and it becomes associated with her in the minds of her friends. It is not considered strictly good form to change it. If illness or other cause make it necessary for a woman to excuse herself to callers on her recep- tion day, it is considerate to station a Courtesy man (usually in livery) on the side- to visitors walk to receive the visitors' cards, to when . . unable to save ladies the trouble of leaving their rec eive carriages. If this is not feasible, a them servant should be at the house door to open it promptly. No orders in the household should be more pre- cise than those which direct the servant i r t i Chance what to say each afternoon at the door- ca n ers Ladies should keep their servants in- formed whether or not they are at home and wish 87 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS to receive, either by word of mouth or by some signal on the table in the entrance hall. To reply to a visitor's question, " I '11 see if Mrs. is at home " is not only rudeness, but an in- Discour- justice. One has no right to waste teous other people's time. " Mrs. is not excuses receiving " causes an involuntary feeling of being repulsed, if the message is brought to you in the drawing-room, but if given at the door, where such messages belong, they have no chilling effect. A more courteous excuse, however, is, " Mrs. is very much engaged, and desires to be excused to any one who may call." In a recent journal the subject was discussed whether the message " begs to be excused " to a visitor once admitted, was not a serious discour- tesy. The writer deprecated it, but continued, " Some one says however, that in these days of rush and hurry it is probably just as much of a relief to Mrs. Brown not to see Mrs. Smith as it is for Mrs. Smith not to receive Mrs. Brown. In such a case the obligation is the more imperative that the maid have explicit instructions, for it would be very hard indeed upon Mrs. Brown to let her come in and be afraid that she was going to be obliged to see Mrs. Smith after all, before the servant brought her the reassuring news ! " Some persons think that the formula home" " Not at home " involves no falsehood, but a lie can never be quite " white " enough. The worst of prevarication is that when 88 THE ETIQUETTE OF CALLING we are found out, we are in exactly the same position as though we had lied ! To be seen at the window by the person receiving our message of " Not at home " would be as embarrassing to explain, even to ourselves, as though we had really intended to deceive. Perhaps the pleasantest visits we have are from chance callers with whom we may enjoy a tete-a- tte without constant interruption as on formal receiving days. Tea is generally served, in well-regulated houses, to those calling between the hours of four and six o'clock, but earlier or later it is considerate for the visitor to decline ervm tea having it made expressly, if it is offered. The servant places a small low table before the lady of the house, and then brings in a tray upon which are the tea-service and a plate of thin bread and butter, or hot toast, wafers, or tiny sandwiches of watercress or pate de foie gras. These are placed upon the table, and the servant retires, remaining within call, in case anything should be needed. In the country in summer the tea may be iced and served on the piazza or out of doors, if possible. When the visitor rises to go, the hostess touches a bell to call a servant to the street door, where he stands ready to open it. This is, of course, the accepted custom on reception days, but in making a simple call, one is often left to fumble with the various handles that differ on the front door of 89 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS every house. A hostess accompanies her intimate friends to the door if she pleases. Friendship makes its own rules of etiquette. In town only one's familiar friends are privileged to call in the morning, except on business, to ask information about a servant, in the ing interest of some charity, or to inquire after a friend's health, perhaps. The call should not be prolonged beyond the necessary time required for the object of the visit. In the country a morning call is a pleasant informality much to be commended in the interests of friend- ship. From two to four weeks after a funeral, friends should call upon the bereaved family, if only to show that they are not unmindful of them nor indifferent to their sorrow, condolence One usually asks to see the member of the family with whom one is best acquainted. Per- sons in affliction may consult their own feelings about receiving visitors; they are a law unto them- selves. Beyond a warm hand-clasp and a manner expressive of sympathy and consideration a visitor need not go, unless the bereaved one refer to the sorrow that has occasioned the visit. Then do not preach, do not philosophize, but give the warm human sympathy that human sorrow craves, and if possible speak some hopeful, helpful word that may be pondered after you are gone. There are griefs worse than death, and friends are apt to hold aloof when disgrace falls upon innocent persons. 90 THE ETIQUETTE OF CALLING Never is their tactful sympathy and loyal friend- ship more needed. When will people learn that those who are ill can bear only very brief visits? First listen sym- pathetically to all the ills and anxieties of the sick one, and then, leading his or her mind to other subjects, tell all the bright and entertaining things that you can think of, and by all means make the patient laugh. It is a fine medicine. Who should make the first call? The residents of a place call first upon new-comers. Men and women of note, brides, clergymen, i j i A 4-u First calls elderly persons, strangers, and those in delicate health are entitled to first calls. They too, as well as those persons most prominent in position or fashion, take the initiative in inviting others to call, which courtesy should be promptly complied with. Where no special distinction exists, each may show the other that the acquaintance is desired. A graceful expedient may be the sending of cards of invitation for days at home which shall include the desired acquaintance. A woman secure in her position does not hesitate to show such friendliness. On the Continent and in Washington the visiting stranger calls first upon the residents. Elsewhere in America the new arrivals send their cards to their friends, who should show flattering alacrity in call- ing upon them. Calls upon a stranger who has come to reside in a place should be made as soon 91 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS as the person is known to be ready to receive them. Hurry may be intrusive, and delay lacking in courtesy. In the country and at watering-places the resi- dents call first upon those renting cottages, and the cottagers make the first calls upon their friends stopping at hotels. First calls should be returned within a fortnight, but after having accepted an invitation or been the recipient of any hospitality from a Returning . , , first calls stranger or new acquaintance, one leaves cards immediately and calls a week after the entertainment. It is very discourteous not to return a first call, unless the person making it be a really objection- able person to know. But, the first call returned, no other need follow, and the acquaintance may be allowed to drop. For the person, however, who makes the first call not to make a second after the first has been formally returned, would be in very bad taste unless for some cogent reason. Why force an acquaintance only to let it drop? It is needless to say that a lady never calls upon a man, except professionally in business hours and When a at ^ s office. She sends in her name, woman not her visiting-card, and should state may call her errand briefly and make her call short. Under any other circumstances she should be accompanied by a male relative or by a woman older than herself, unless she 92 THE ETIQUETTE OF CALLING herself be a mature matron. No young woman should go unchaperoned to a studio, unless art is to be her life-work, when the dignity of her position as a worker protects her like an armor of proof. Husbands and wives rarely call together in America; indeed husbands rarely call at all, they are the only " immunes." Men Calls of over forty doubtless recall with a shud- married der the New Year's calls of their youth, men compelled to get into dress clothes at ten A.M. and rush from house to house all day in the en- deavor to see one's entire acquaintance before being overtaken by bedtime. The custom has disap- peared from New York, where it flourished as an heirloom from Dutch ancestors, as though it had never been. There is no reason, however, why an able-bodied man who has received hospi- tality should not pay a personal visit, though he be married, to show his appreciation. Many persons think that the invitation to a man to call upon a young girl should invariably be given by her mother, and all agree in its pro- i nv iti n g priety during the girl's first season, young men Later, though strict conventionality to cal1 makes the rule, it is difficult to enforce it, and many exceptions prove it. When inviting a man to call upon her, a lady should say, " I am at home on such and such days, and hope that I may see you." A girl seems over-eager for attention if at their first meeting she asks a man to call. To have him disregard 93 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS the invitation would wound her pride, so she must exercise discretion, and make reasonably sure of his feeling on the subject. In Europe a young woman never receives a man alone, and our foreign critics would think a characteristic request from an American for permission to call would be, " If your mother is in, will you come out? And if your mother is out, may I come in? " We may trust American chivalry, but the mother or some older person should be present when foreigners call upon a young girl. The custom of devoting Sunday afternoons to visiting and receiving is undeniably fashionable, The time but ^ ne immortal part suffers by neglect, for and many of the young people who live calling close to their ideals have set their faces against it. One young girl says frankly, " I am at home every afternoon after five o'clock, except Saturday, when I go to the opera, and Sunday, when I go to church." Women must take the initiative in all social reforms. It is an affectation that the evenings are all so occupied as to leave no time for calling, and young men are driven to the clubs and thea- tres anc * to s P en( * more money than is good for them, to find occupation for their evenings. The old-time leisurely evening call gave time for acquaintance to grow and ripen into friendship. It has been said by a wise thinker that only after a te'te-a-te'te do people ever become really acquainted. 94 THE ETIQUETTE OF CALLING Some girls have the faculty of making a man feel in a home-like atmosphere when making an ordi- nary call. They make him welcome without stirring his vanity, and show sympathy in his in- terests without adulation, nice, companionable girls, neither artificial nor superficial, but simple and sincere. Few matrimonial arguments are more beguiling. No young woman visitor should receive calls from her men friends without asking her Receiving hostess or hostesses to be present, leav- calls when ing the option with them. Nor should visitin & she invite one to visit her without first asking per- mission of her hostess. If a lady is behind her tea-table, she need not rise to greet a man caller, but bow, give her hand, if convenient, and gracefully include Receiving him in the conversation, introducing men him or not, as she pleases, to those near callers her. She also bows her adieux. A lady never goes into the vestibule to meet a man, however intimately she may know him, but should greet him only in the parlor. When entertaining another caller, of course it would be the height of dis- courtesy to excuse herself and leave him to meet a new-comer. She should remain quietly seated until the later arrival enters the room, and then rise to welcome him. Neither should she ever accompany a man to the hall, but take leave of him in the drawing- room. Under no circumstances does a lady 95 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS help a man on with his overcoat, struggle as he may. The proper Men are privileged to call any after- etiquette noon from five until half-after six for men o'clock. No gentleman calls upon a lady except at her invitation, unless he has previously sent her a letter of introduction. No matter how much he may desire an acquaintance, he must bide his time, unless some kinswoman or friend will exert herself in his behalf. A man must not go beyond an evident pleasure in a woman's society by way of suggestion. Of course, circumstances alter cases, but it is important for her preservation against undesirable acquaintances that a man should wait the lady's initiative. The sooner the call follows the invitation, the greater the compliment. A fortnight is the usual interval. When a son has lately entered society, his mother leaves his card with her husband's upon all her acquaintances. He will then be included in the season's general invitations. He pays his first calls preferably upon formal receiving days, until he has won his way to a more cerdial reception and is invited for din- First calls . . ner, theatre, or other limited hospitality. He is then upon friendly footing, and may show some reciprocal attention if he please. A man is never invited to dine where he has not previously called, but before he has paid half a dozen visits a hostess who entertains would ask 96 THE ETIQUETTE OF CALLING him for some hospitality, to show that his acquaint- ance is desired. In making an afternoon call a man usually leaves his overcoat, stick or umbrella, hat and gloves in the hall before entering the drawing- Making an room. He may, if he choose, carry his afternoon hat and stick into the room at a first or formal call if it is to be very brief, except at a reception. He puts his card on the hall table or on the tray tendered him by the servant who holds open the door or portiere and announces him if the hostess is in the drawing-room. It is an evi- dence of good breeding to enter and leave a room unobtrusively. He removes his right glove or both on entering the room. He never offers his hand first, but waits the ini- tiative of his hostess, and bows formally to the others present. If it be but a hasty call and others are present, he need not be seated. He always rises if a lady is standing, only resuming his place when she is seated. It is not usual to introduce a guest upon his entrance to more than one other. He never shakes hands when presented to a woman, but always when introduced to a man. If a man be of service to his hostess in carrying a cup of tea to a guest or returning an empty cup, he may and should speak courtes i es briefly to those to whom he offers the simple hospitality, even if he does not know them. A "roof introduction" establishes no claim to acquaintance unless the lady choose to recognize 7 97 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS it, which she may do if the conversation has been exceptionally prolonged or interesting. When another caller enters, a man stands up if he is seated. He may leave upon the arrival of other guests, if his call has lasted fifteen a ln & minutes, turning his back as little as leave possible upon the company. The first arrivals are the first to take leave. It is no longer customary to press one's guests to call again. If not displeased with a new ac- quaintance, a woman shows by cordiality of man- ner as he takes his leave that she would be glad to see him again without the repetition of the usual formula. All cut-and-dried phrases are going out of fashion. If unable to command the leisure for afternoon calls, a man may ignore fashion and call in the evening about nine o'clock. Men leave their cards early in the season upon all their acquaintances, if they wish to be included in the round of its festivities, and try to m ? make a personal call upon their inti- courtesies ^ r mate friends and those who have enter- tained them the previous year. They are not expected to be punctilious about reception days, though such thoughtfulness is much appreciated. A call after every invitation is the civility demanded by good form, and a card should be left in person the day after a dinner, luncheon, or breakfast. No gentleman ever brings a friend to call upon a lady without having pre- 98 ' THE ETIQUETTE OF CALLING viously asked her permission, no matter how in- timate his standing with the family. Men call upon each other at their clubs or offices, but formal visit- ing between men is not done at their houses. By way of general suggestion in regard to calls : Calling hours are between three and General six P.M. Upon reception cards the hours sugges- are usually named from four until seven. tlons The length of a formal call should not exceed fifteen or twenty minutes. The interval between formal calls should not be less than a month or more than a year. The visiting-book, arranged alphabetically or according to streets and localities, should be care- fully kept and frequently consulted, so that neither friends nor acquaintances shall be neglected. It should be revised every six months. It is not polite, when one has received an invita- tion to call, to return the compliment at once by saying, " Thank you, won't you come and see me?" One should simply accept the invitation in a few gracious words, and call as soon as can be made convenient. A pad of paper, enclosed in some dainty cover, with pencil attached should be kept where the servant can readily offer it to a caller who may wish to leave a message for the hostess, if that lady is not at home. A lady should call upon a stranger before invit- ing her to an entertainment. An invitation does not cancel a calling obligation. 99 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS Receive your friends cordially, your manner implying " My time is yours." Assume the virtue if you have it not. Informal callers should be careful to avoid the hours for meals. Do not apologize too much for not having called. Your neglect to do so has probably not been observed. Never call upon your friends unless you are feeling well, and are reasonably sure of making yourself agreeable. Do not offer your hostess the slight of a too hurried call, appear absent-minded, nor openly consult your watch. Never call to be amused, inflicting your " ennui" upon another, which you are unwilling to bear yourself. In making a " visit of digestion," as the French name an after-call in recognition of an in- vitation for dinner, luncheon, or other hospitality, it is considerate to make some complimentary allusion to the success of the entertainment or to the pleasure received thereat. Rise to take leave while you are the speaker, not when the conver- sation has languished, lest you appear to go be- cause you are bored. Finally, do not keep your hostess standing after you have risen to take leave, while you continue to talk, but go. 100 Chapter Seventh AFT ERN o ON TEAS [T is to " Her Royal Sweetness," as her admirers used lovingly to call the Queen Alexandra when Princess of Wales, that we are indebted, it is said, for the idea of calling our friends and neighbors together for an informal cup of tea. It was already the custom in English households for the family to meet at four or five in the after- noon, for a little refreshment which their very late dinner made acceptable ; but it remained for the charming Princess to exalt the pleasant custom into a social function by graciously welcoming a few friends into her own sanctum, while visiting at a country house. Anglomania never took with us a pleasanter form, for we have made the custom our own, and for once in America we have a form of entertainment that, although fashionable, is not costly. People of moderate means may prove that they too have the spirit of hospitality, and all the world knows that informal gatherings are always the most enjoyable. In very many households tea is served every afternoon, whether or not there are visitors, but the arrival of a caller between four and five o'clock is universally the signal for its appearance. 101 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS So thoroughly have we domesticated the Eng- lish afternoon tea-habit that we have extended it to give the title-r6le to the most popular form of entertainment known to modern society, less per- haps for its charm than for its convenience and adaptability to large or small gatherings. From the assembling of a few friends for a chat and cup of tea, to the elaborate reception to introduce a debutante or do honor to some guest of distinc- tion, all are called " teas." For a formal reception or tea for which cards of invitation have been sent to one's entire acquaint- Prepara- ance > naming a special day and hour, tions for a there are certain requirements that are reception universally followed. A strip of red carpet is laid from the front door to the edge of the sidewalk, and unless the weather is excep- tionally fine, a canvas awning is stretched over it. A man in footman's livery is stationed at its entrance to open the carriage doors, who gives checks in duplicate to the guests and their coach- men. A servant in butler's livery opens the house door, anticipating any summons. The drawing-rooms should be cleared of all furniture that may restrict the free movement of the guests, be freshly aired, and care taken to insure an agreeable temperature. Palms, flowers, and potted plants decorate the rooms as lavishly as taste or means will allow, and in the dining-room the table is made beautiful with flowers, lights, and decorative trifles. Three or four men-servants 102 AFTERNOON TEAS are there stationed to offer tea, chocolate, bouillon, salads, sandwiches, ices, cakes, and bonbons to the guests. It is not considered good form to serve champagne at a daylight entertainment, except at a wedding. Aerated waters, punch, wine-cup, and lemonade are thought sufficient. The time of the reception being from three until six or from four until seven o'clock, a heavy meal would be out of place, as it is presumable that all will dine soon. Shortly before the time named in the invitations, the shades of the windows are drawn to exclude the daylight, the lamps and gas or elec- The trie burners are lighted, and the hostess hostess takes her place in her drawing-room, and her near the entrance. If her daughters assistants or friends are to assist her, they station themselves in different parts of the rooms, that all the guests may be under some one's kindly supervision. A debutante would stand at her mother's left hand, and should the reception be given for some special friend or guest of honor, that person would stand, as well, at the left of the hostess for convenient presentation to all visitors. Little is expected of those who are receiving during the first hour or so beyond a word of cordial welcome. The hostess should try to make her greetings as little stereotyped as possible, giving to each new- comer the feeling that he or she is individualized in her mind and is conferring pleasure by being there. 103 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS As visitors enter the house, they leave their cards on a large tray, placed conspicuously on the hall- table. The ladies remove their wraps T*Vi<* ests in the hall or in an upstairs dressing- room where two maids are in attendance who are prompt to assign the garments to their rightful owners when they return to resume them. A dressing-room is also supplied for the men. A valet is in attendance where many masculine guests are expected. Just outside the drawing-room door a man in butler's or footman's livery asks the names of the visitors, and, drawing aside the portiere, an- nounces them clearly and distinctly to his mis- tress, as they enter the room. Men accompanying ladies enter the room behind them, and of course young girls give precedence to their mothers or chaperons. Should the hostess be at leisure to exchange more than the conventional greeting, her guests naturally remain with her until others claim her attention, when they move on, free to seek their friends and acquaintances in the throng. All gravitate towards the dining-room, which is entered without invitation, and where the servants in attendance wait upon the guests. If a gentle- man accompanies a lady, he asks if he may get her a cup of tea, an ice, or whatever she desires, and either asks the service of the waiters or serves her himself. He then procures some refreshment for himself, standing near her the while, but is prompt 104 AFTERNOON TEAS to lay aside his own plate or cup the instant that she has finished. Ten minutes is the shortest stay that considera- tion for one's hostess permits, and half an hour is the longest time that one should occupy a place before making way for others. It is courteous to take leave of the hostess if she be near the drawing- room door. The host rarely receives with his wife unless his name appears with hers in the invitation which is unusual if the entertainment be given in . .. The host the afternoon (the bridegroom of a month or so is an exception). He commonly puts in a late appearance and endeavors to say a few cordial words to as many of his wife's guests as time and opportunity permit. Where there is some special woman guest or a friend of the hostess receiving with her, the host makes her the object of his attentions, and should himself invite her to the dining-room and see that she is served. The scene, gay with flowers, lights, bright faces, and pretty toilets, has a festal air that needs but the accompaniment of music to complete . its charm. Many, however, think it an music unnecessary expense. It is true that lit- tle attention is paid to the musical selection during the crowded part of the entertainment, except as an agreeable accompaniment to conversation, if it is as it should be faint enough not to be obtrusive, but as the many withdraw, opportunity is given for appreciative hearing, and the "best" should be 105 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS " kept for the last." The orchestra, composed only of stringed instruments, is usually concealed behind or under a stairway screened from view by plants and tall palms. The hostess and her assistants wear high-necked afternoon gowns with long sleeves or with long Dress gloves meeting a shorter sleeve, ac- at fording to fashion. Though attired receptions w ith elegance, they should never appear to out-dress their guests. Young girls when re- ceiving often wear diaphanous ball-gowns, if not too elaborate, made with high bodices and long sleeves. They wear gloves or not, as they please. Visitors appear in calling costume, the women retaining their hats. Men wear regulation after- noon dress. More detailed directions are given in the chapter devoted to the subject of dress. When cards have been sent out for a series of " teas " on two or four days in a month, the enter- Less tainment is far simpler. There is no formal awning, a man in livery shelters the "teas" ca il ers beneath an umbrella if the weather prove inclement, the carpet on the steps is dispensed with, and the guests' names may or may not be announced at the drawing-room door. There is no music and there are fewer flowers, but with the informality often comes a keener sense of enjoyment, for pleasure is sometimes lost in a crowd. In the dining-room a table is prettily decorated, at one end of which is a tea-service, with samovar 106 AFTERNOON TEAS or a kettle boiling over a lamp, thinly sliced lemon, cream, etc., and a service for chocolate at the other, with whipped cream and powdered sugar. Each is presided over by a friend of the hostess, or by some young girl, if there are daugh- ters in the family. They should be prompt to offer to serve all who enter the dining-room, whether they are acquainted or not with the guests, over- looking none. A servant should be in attendance to remove soiled cups and plates and keep the table in order. Sandwiches, cakes, and bonbons are on the table, and a servant sometimes serves from the pantry cafe" or orange frappe" in punch or champagne glasses with small coffee-spoons. Small napkins are a convenience, but not a necessity. If a friend from a distance is visiting one, a " tea " in her honor offers the opportunity of select- ing among one's acquaintances those who are likely to prove most congenial tea j n to her, without incurring the danger honor of of giving umbrage for sins of omission. a visitor The hostess writes on her card "To meet Mrs. ," and in one corner " Tea at four o'clock." One may at any time, under any pretext, gather a few friends together for this informal function. Given a pretty room, whether furnished in chintz or old brocade, cretonne or six- background teenth century velvet, is immaterial, a cheery wood fire crackling on the hearth, growing plants at the windows, books and magazines scat- tered about, and in one corner a small table with 107 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS snowy cloth and sparkling silver, and we have a " mise-en-scene " that no normally constituted woman of the present day could view with indif- ference ; people it with half-a-dozen charming and clever women, give them a good cup of tea, a daintily made sandwich, and a bit of home-made cake, and all the conditions will be fulfilled for a delightful afternoon. As the daylight wanes and a rosy-shaded lamp scatters the shadows, the friends may see each other in that flattering light which has become emblematic of partial judgment and gentle criticism. It is said that in these days, when some special business matter requires to be talked over, a man invites his friend to lunch with him; Special teas the social influence having the effect of melting and fusing differences of opin- ion. In like manner, if a new charity is to be started, or some pleasure organized on a large scale, a woman gathers her friends around her tea- table, and denying herself to other visitors, has the undivided attention of her guests for an hour, and may talk at her ease. One little company of friends have combated the centrifugal forces of our modern city life by meeting once a week for a cup of tea, and have kept alive the " sacred fire " of friendship most successfully. Any good story or bit of fun, any strong or helpful thought, met with in their read- ing is treasured to be shared at the " tea-party." Each member is in turn the hostess, and enjoys 1 08 AFTERNOON TEAS the merry rivalry as to who shall have the most novel sandwiches, most delicious cake, or the greatest success in the brewing of that much abused beverage that serves as title to the little entertain- ment. They find the hour thus spent together both restful and stimulating. Another rebel against the all-encroaching de- mands of general society has solved the social problem to her own satisfaction by A new dividing all her acquaintance into four solution of parts, each of which is made up of a social . ... , , . , problem persons most likely to be congenial. Instead of issuing the usual cards for four days in the month, she asks each set for one special day, while assuring them of her welcome on all the other days. She writes on her card a few cordial words of invitation to come informally for a cup of tea and to meet some charming people. One sees there the same little knots of friends enjoying each other against a background of " sweetness and light," the same dainty table laden with all sorts of deliciousness and presided over at each end by a pretty woman in a pretty gown, as elsewhere, but there is a different atmosphere. One has the feeling of a warmer wel- A come, of being distinguished by a charming personal thought on the part of the hostess hostess from the mass of her acquaintance ; and being specially invited to meet those present, one is quicker to feel an interest in them. After the first half-hour or so, the hostess leaves her post 109 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS at the entrance of the room, and mingling freely with her guests, introduces everybody and assumes the responsibility for their enjoyment. The result is that one finds it convenient to forget other " teas " inviting one's presence, and reflects that " another time will do " for them. Young girls find much pleasure in the simple hospitality of afternoon tea, about which mamma Young makes no demur, it entails so little girls' trouble. If young men are received, of teas course some chaperon must be osten- sibly present ; but, as " there is safety in numbers " she may with a little tact relieve the young people of any unpleasant sense of being observed. A young girl should not receive her friends in a tea- gown, though her mother may do so ; indeed, such a garment is not supposed to be included in the wardrobe of an unmarried woman while youth lasts. The libation that we pour to our social gods between the hours of four and six may well deserve careful consideration in its concoction. It is said that only at Carlsbad can tea be en- joyed in its perfection. This throws light on the How to mystery; the solution is the character make the of the water with which the tea is made. tea The best means of imitating the soft water of Carlsbad is to add a pinch of soda to the water before it is boiled for brewing the tea. A small silver bonbon box filled with bicarbonate of soda may be the vassal of the steaming urn and have its place with the caddy, no AFTERNOON TEAS Tea should be poured off immediately after its infusion, before the water has had time to attack the leaf and extract the poisonous theine, which is the principle in the herb that affects the nerves undesirably. Connoisseurs make a great point of this, and say that tea should be made in an earthen- ware teapot and then poured into the silver one from which it is served ; but a tea-ball or one of the large wire egg-shaped balls, made for the purpose, may be placed in the silver pot and withdrawn almost immediately and the same result obtained. The old-fashioned rule of one teaspoonful for each person and one for the pot is still adhered to, and of course the water must be boiling when brought in contact with the tea, and the teapot rinsed with the boiling water before the tea is placed in the teapot. The Russians take their tea always with lemon and in glasses in preference to cups. The Spanish think a leaf of the fragrant lemon-verbena adds a fragrant bouquet to the tea. Some women follow the German fashion, and serve coffee to their friends instead of tea; and others, for variety's sake, offer them Turkish coffee. But there is always something of old-fashioned homeliness about tea, which may account for its choice above other beverages. It is said by a recent writer that Queen Victoria never went for a drive in the afternoon without taking with her an elaborate apparatus for brewing her favorite draught, and in travelling in any re- iii ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS mote Corner of the globe nothing seems to recall to an Englishwoman her altars and her fires as when, in the seclusion of her room at a hotel, she may make herself the cheering cup. It is a French innovation to add to the simple hos- pitality "marrons glaces" and " petits Mistaken * elaboration f urs > which the American mania for decorative effect and overdoing does not always resist. In England bread and butter wafers, biscuits, sandwiches, hot toasted and buttered muffins or toast, with a bit of plum or other cake, are the only things one sees. In adopting a fashion we are apt to elaborate it, say our critics, the world over. Sandwiches are no longer the primitive affairs of our grandmothers' day, but toothsome morsels with the additional charm of the unexpected. The rolling and tying of ribbons is not in good taste because suggestive of too much handling. The little two-storied tea-tables are most con- venient, and some are further supplemented with wings of the size of plates. It is pref- ie . . erable to keep all its belongings on the tea-table table itself, and not distribute them on all the adjacent furniture, as is often done. If pos- sible, it is well to have a little table here and there, or other convenience whereon a cup may be laid, while some tiny plates and small napkins give one a feeling of security against accidents. The woman who may always be found in her drawing-room at five o'clock on hospitable thoughts 112 AFTERNOON TEAS intent will not lack guests. Her house will soon become a favorite place for " dropping in," where friends may meet each other, and if A S i mp i e> cleverly managed may develop into the friendly sort of charming social gatherings hospitality known to the French of the last century as the famous "salons," where the exponents of all that Paris could boast of wit and culture met at short intervals, and where it is said that " modern society was born." No one feels under obligations for so simple an entertainment. " Company manners " relax and wits become nimble under the gentle stimulus of a cup of tea, and we always enjoy our- selves when we are consciously at our best. This simple, friendly form of sociability, so dear to womanly hearts has also its drawbacks; there is a reverse side to the picture, snares Both hostess and guests should respect and the rights of the master of the house, at drawback s whose home-coming, tired, perhaps, and indis- posed to meet his wife's friends, the house should be entirely at his disposal and his wife free to welcome him. The afternoon tea guests should be invited an hour before the usual time for the husband's return, and should have sufficient delicacy of feeling to appreciate that " a man's house is his castle " and respect his possible desire for privacy. It is a common thing to hear a man coming from his place of business say to his friend, " Come into the club ; there is no use going home, there will 8 113 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS be a lot of people there, drinking tea and chatter- ing " (his wife calls it " chatting "). After all, the little time between his return home in the afternoon and the hour for retiring is all the home life that many a man has. A thoughtful wife will therefore assume a per- functory smile and a manner a little " distraite " as she hears her husband's latch-key in the 1 * J door or his familiar step on the stair, as amenities the gentlest reminder to her guests that it is growing late. A tactful wife tempts her hus- band, as her last, best guest, into the pleasant room after the guests depart, where she sits before her urn, makes him a fresh cup of tea, and enter- tains him with all the news, bits of gossip, or inter- esting conversation that the afternoon has brought her. 114 Chapter Eighth INTRODUCING A DfiBUTANTE " Welcome her, all things youthful and sweet, Scatter the blossoms under her feet ! " .HIS is the language of the mother's ?heart, as she leads her young daugh- 'ter forth from the obscurity of home 'life, to present her to the social >world of her own acquaintance. It is usually a somewhat trying ordeal for both parent and child. The mother cannot but feel some misgivings lest her carefully nurtured dar- ling be contaminated by her intercourse with Vanity Fair, and to the daughter the novel posi- tion brings a certain awkward self-consciousness, as she feels directed towards her the lenses of a critical inspection. Fortunately, however, the kindliness that lies at the heart of humanity is usually warmed into life at sight of a young girl making her first indepen- dent step into that world of which she is to be- come a part, a sharer in its weal and woe. Thirty years ago a young girl's entrance into fashionable society was invariably made at a ball given at her own home. Now we rarely give balls to celebrate this impor- tant event, but the formal presentation of the young MS ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS woman takes place at an afternoon tea or Recep- The tion, to which all her friends and those of present her parents are bidden, as well as such fashion acquaintances as they care to include. The cards announce that Mrs. Jones Brown Smith will be at home on a certain afternoon from four until seven, and the debutante's name, en- graved beneath that of her mother, informs the recipients for what purpose the entertainment is given, and they add her name to their lists of those whom they may invite to dinners, balls, etc. A debutante's presentation gown at a London Drawing-room is always white, be the material The de"bu- w ^ a ^ ** ma 7 but with us the color of a tante's " coming out " frock is chosen with dress reference to its becomingness to the wearer. It should be invariably cut high at the throat and with long sleeves, and be light in tex- ture as in color, and in its dainty simplicity and " girlishness " make a contrast to the elegance and richness of the mother's attire. The drawing-rooms on the afternoon of the re- ception are decorated with palms and flowers and potted plants. The window shades are drawn and the lights lighted, for darkness settles down soon after four o'clock during the month of November, the beginning of the season, when most of the presentations take place. Saturday is the favorite day of the week. The young men are apt to be more free to attend, and are always thought to lend eclat to the occasion. 116 INTRODUCING A DEBUTANTE It is the custom in New York for friends to cele- brate such occasions with gifts of flowers to the debutante, which usually take the form . of bouquets tied with ribbons matching pretty the blossoms. custom As an expression of kindly welcome to her new place in society, the custom is a pretty one, and few attentions in after-life will meet with such delighted appreciation. These bouquets sometimes there are dozens of them, and fifty or sixty is not an unusual number for a popular girl to receive are arranged taste- fully upon the mantels, piano, and tables about the rooms, and the young woman usually selects one to hold during the reception of her guests, and so compliment the giver. Sometimes a pretty fan is sent instead of a bouquet. The entertainment does not differ in other par- ticulars from an ordinary reception, invitations to which include all one's acquaintance. The young girl stands at her mother's side near the principal entrance to the drawing-room. The names of the guests are announced as Receiving they enter the room, and after wel- the guests coming them the mother presents her daughter to each. Though apparently a trifling distinction, it is in better taste, and shows a knowledge of good form, if the daughter is intro- duced to her mother's friends rather than that they should be presented to her. The only duty devolving upon the hostess and 117 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS her daughter is to speak to the guests as they enter, and again as they leave, and to stand always at the door of the room, so that there shall be no difficulty in finding them. They need not stand as though rooted to the spot. If interest in some- thing one has said or the desire to prolong the momentary conversation lead the young woman a few steps from her place, after the first rush of arrivals is over, it but shows her to be natural and at her ease. " It is the first step that costs," and if our maiden can prevent her smile from becoming set and her manner mechanical, she will impress many in her favor. She should pronounce the name of each person with distinctness and a gracious inflec- tion of the voice when presented, and not make too obvious a difference in greeting her personal friends from her new acquaintances, though a heartier hand-clasp may express her pleasure and cordiality. Three or four girl friends are usually stationed about the rooms to assist in receiving and enter- The taining the guests, while two others rep- assistants resent the hostess in the dining-room. of the These of course arrive before the hour hostess . , . , . appointed in the invitations, wearing light, high-necked gowns that harmonize with each other, and without hats. If they have about the same set of acquaintances, they will know many of the guests present, but if they do not know them by name, they are representing the hostess and 118 INTRODUCING A DEBUTANTE may speak to any one ; particularly is it their duty to single out for attention any who may seem un- acquainted with those present. The conversation generally opens with the invitation " Will you not come into the dining-room, and let me get you some tea or something? " Let these young women remember that they are detailed for duty, and in their conversation with the young men present (for men are included in the invitations and their presence is appreciated) not forget their repre- sentative character. In the dining-room the table is tastefully ar- ranged with flowers, lights, and other pretty decor- ations of bonbons, cakes, etc., a single The table color predominating. Pink or white and green are the favorite colors for the decorations. Three or four men-servants are in attendance. The menu differs in no way from that of an ordinary " tea," invitations to which include one's entire acquaintance. An orchestra is usually con- cealed behind a screen of plants and palms or a portiere of smilax. The entertainment often concludes with a little dinner, given to the young women who A little have helped to receive the guests and to dinner to other particular friends of the young conclude queen of the fe~te. She is now fairly " out," as the current cant phrase has it, and invi- tations probably follow. Some persons think it in better taste to give a more quiet notification to friends that a daughter 119 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS has completed her studies and is ready to enter the world of society. Others are restricted from Simpler mv ^ tm g a ll their friends by the size of entertain- their houses, and send cards for two, ments for three, or four afternoon teas, in order to accommodate their acquaintances. In such cases there may be a table in the dining- room prettily decorated, at one end of which a girl friend will serve tea, and opposite her another who will pour chocolate. The dining-room is often so crowded that the hostess and her daughter are left quite alone in their glory. Needless to say this is not good form on the part of the guests. The debutante receives with her mother, of course, and never leaves the drawing-room until nearly every one is gone, when she may join her remaining friends in the dining-room to "talk it over." After a young girl has been thus " launched," or even if she only quietly receives with her mother when that lady's friends visit her, she may accept invitations to balls, etc., and is then in "society" and subject to all its conventionalities. Upon her should devolve the duty of keep- ing the account of reception days, seeing that cards are sent, noting any change of residence in the address book, writing new duties notes of invitation, acceptance, or regret. On receiving days she usually assumes the duty of dispensing the tea or offering it, and in all enter- taining is her mother's coadjutor. 120 INTRODUCING A DEBUTANTE If she has been a member of one or more of the popular " dancing-classes," she will have formed a little coterie of friends with whom she is ,. . Tr Dancing- on pleasant terms of intimacy. If not, c i asse s it would be well to join such class or classes as an agreeable initiation into the social mysteries. The membership is controlled by a set of lady patronesses, who exercise a careful censorship in the matter of invitations, and if the mother of the debutante count one or more of these ladies among her friends or her friends' friends, an invitation for the young woman will not be difficult to procure. The patronesses act as chaperons, and will take pleasure in presenting to her such members of the class as will be most likely to further her enjoy- ment. It will be appreciated by a young man if she suggest seeking her chaperon's side when he, perhaps, is embarrassed to know how to free him- self for his next engagement. As a young girl's circle of friends is presum- ably not a very large one during her first year in society, it is the time to take advan- tage of the fact to entertain in small The ? oung ffirl 3,s numbers. The pleasures of hospitality hostess often seem to decrease in proportion as they are made to cover much ground, and the spirit of large and fashionable functions is often not so much enjoyment as competition. Little dinners, followed by some merry games with prizes, dainty luncheons, small cotillions of ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS not more than twenty or thirty couples, theatre parties properly chaperoned, these are some of the ways in which a young girl can make merry with her friends, before the proportions of her visiting-list shall impose other and greater obli- gation. It is usual for the debutante to give some special entertainment for the girls who have received A with her at her "coming out tea" in pleasant recognition of that courtesy. They are obligation the guests of honor) but Qthers are in _ vited with them for a luncheon, dinner, theatre- party, or dance. It is difficult to picture a happier life or one of greater freedom than that enjoyed by the girls of the present day. Sports and pleas- pleasure ures formerly the monopoly of young and men are allowed to be her privilege to social enjoy as well. Life is replete with varied interests, but is apt to become overcrowded. Social pleasure involves social pressure, and health is sacrificed in the pursuit of happiness. To insist upon moderation is the mother's responsibility. In making calls with her daughter, a woman who has enjoyed the reputation of being socially A hint attractive or an interesting talker must to the remember not to overshadow the girl, mother b u t: leave room for her personality to express itself, leading the conversation to subjects about which she can talk with interest. 122 INTRODUCING A DEBUTANTE The question often arises in the parents' minds whether or not to take advantage of opportunities that present themselves to introduce their daughters into wealthier or more a !"! n a problems fashionable circles than those perhaps to which they have been accustomed. It is always, however, at a little risk to happiness to throw a young girl among those whose lives are a perpetual pageant. It is apt to induce false and exaggerated ideas of the value of money, and those whose light purse must not open for unne- cessary luxuries grow discontented and lose the joy of life. The programme laid out for a debutante by a mother with social aspirations includes a box at the opera for the season, that the girl The may be seen, invitations to the fashion- fashionable able public balls, preceded by dinners, programme to which are invited the eligible young men, thus laying them under obligations which it is hoped will be discharged by dancing with the daughter. A month or two at Newport and Bar Harbor, a few weeks at Lenox in the autumn, Tuxedo at Christmas, and a London season in the spring, a showy career, to which wealth is the /^passport and a conspicuous marriage the aim. A girl should keep herself informed of the current news of the day, know at least the names and authors of the new books, and be able to say something about those she has read. The art of conversation well rewards the pains of acquiring 123 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS it, and the ability to dance well is always a pass- port to favor. She is expected to understand what is good in music, and to hear, when possible, the singers and musicians talked about. An intelligent, sympathetic listener, who always gives one his legitimate half in the conversation and whose manner is responsive, is always an agreeable companion. In replying to a compliment, the resources of fancy seem to be singularly at fault among the present generation. " It is awfully kind of you to say so," seems to exhaust all modern require- ments. A sense of humor and a facility for good-natured drollery are worth cultivating, but are only per- manently pleasing when innocent and kindly in spirit. Above all, let a debutante try to speak well of everybody, and cultivate the habit of see- ing people in a favorable light. A ready retention of the names and faces of the people presented always pleases, and a ready smile is winning. A girl accepts no attentions from men until they have called (at her mother's invitation) and are on a footing of acquaintance- bred girl ship- Flowers, bonbons, and books are the only gifts that it is permissible for her to accept from a man unless she is engaged to him. She should not pay compliments to men, nor show her preference for any one too obviously, 124 INTRODUCING A DEBUTANTE though her manner should show cordial friendli- ness to all who are worthy of it. A debutante of this season said that what she most dreaded was the " ordeal of the dressing- room," that girls whom she did not know looked her over from head to foot, as though appraising her toilette. It is indisputable that to be well dressed gives a girl a feeling of confidence and puts her at her ease, but, once dressed, she should forget all about it. To outshine her companions is to provoke their envy. A pretty, fresh, but inconspicuous gown is in the best taste. Aside from moral reasons, it is bad form and prejudicial to a girl's interests to appear indifferent to the liking and approval of her own sex and seek popularity only with the other. When men are her chief friends and partisans, a girl is on exceed- ingly thin social ice. When in her pleasures a girl remembers to be unselfish, to behave with grace, tact, and sympathy to all about her, while enjoying herself with all her might, she is fulfilling one of the purposes of her creation in common with the birds and flowers. " In happy hearts are all the sunbeams forged That brighten up this weather-beaten world." 125 Chapter Ninth LUNCHEONS, BREAK- FASTS, AND SUPPERS [NE of the cleverest of Frenchmen defined a club as a " Paradise from which Eves are excluded." We will be more courteous, and say that a woman's luncheon is the nearest feminine approach to the same kind of enjoyment that is at present open to those of us who are not club-women, in the absence of our respective Adams. Unlike our English cousins, apparently, Ameri- can women seem to have a hearty pleasure in each other's society. A " progressive " English girl once explained the reason to her satisfaction. " In your country," she said, " there are men enough to go around." Be the reason what it may, the popularity of women's luncheons seems to demonstrate the fact. The French invite their friends to share their d6- jeuners a la fourchette ; " the English have their five-o'clock teas, which have the same charm of informality; but it remains with the women of America to have evolved the " luncheon " in its present form as a dainty feminine entertainment. To insure its success it is, of course, of the first importance to bring together people who will be 126 LUNCHEONS, BREAKFASTS, SUPPERS congenial. It is well to send the invitations from a week to two weeks in advance of the luncheon, according to the degree of its elegance First and formality; and a written note is condition always best, cordial, friendly, and con- ofsuccess veying to the recipient a welcome in advance. Try not to repeat the same note, but let your friend's personality possess and inspire you, though an obvious effort after originality is always disas- trous. The usual hour is one or half after one o'clock. If you doubt your cook's ability, by all means hire one for the occasion, if the entertainment be an elaborate one, and save your peace , The cook of mind. Excellent cooks may be had in large cities who for three or five dollars will serve a very dainty repast, and things freshly cooked in your own kitchen have a superior flavor to anything sent from a caterer and warmed over. If your butler or waitress be inexperi- The enced, write legibly on a sheet of paper the character and order of each course, with any directions you may desire, and post it up in a con- spicuous place in the pantry for reference. The servant may quietly consult this between the courses, and thus avoid taxing the memory, and the hostess may devote herself to her guests without anxiety. Two persons are required to serve more than six guests well, and an assistant in the pantry will be found a great convenience, if not a necessity. In households where many servants are employed, 127 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS the luncheon would be served by the butler in after- noon livery, assisted by a footman in house livery, or by one or more maids in black gowns with white caps and aprons. In more modest establishments two maids can serve a luncheon very acceptably. Either use a polished mahogany table with a centrepiece and doilies to match, or if you prefer a luncheon cloth, have the centrepiece Laying the table DUt no pl ace doilies. More latitude is allowed in the matter of napery at a lun- cheon than for a dinner. " A fair white cloth " is considered to be in the best taste for the latter, while at luncheon the tablecloth may be as elab- orate as one may desire, adorned with drawn-work, embroidery in white, or richly trimmed with heavy lace, like those so often seen in paintings. The napkins are usually smaller than those used at dinner. A fernery or dish of fruit makes an accept- able centrepiece for an informal luncheon, but a bowl, silver loving-cup, or vase of flowers is always seen where there are many guests, or if the lun- The frugal c ^ eon * s m ^e nature of a complimen- mind on tary entertainment. The woman of pleasure slender material resources may supple- ment them with a little ingenuity. The street-venders sell flowers that will last fresh for several hours, at very modest cost. One young housekeeper, lacking an epergne, filled a deep pan with pink roses, about which she tied a wide satin ribbon matching the blossoms, which concealed the plebeian character of the pan, and with a bow 128 LUNCHEONS, BREAKFASTS, SUPPERS on one side made a charming effect. In the spring she repeated the idea, filling her pan with daffo- dils, and tying it about with a yellow ribbon, paint- ing the outside of the pan the same color, lest a bit should show inadvertently. If an ox-muzzle is placed over the dish, its wire meshes hold each flower in place, greatly simplifying their arrange- ment and economizing them, as each blossom then does its full duty. At a small luncheon among friends, the tea- service is before the hostess, who makes and serves the tea in the good old-fashioned way, An and bread-and-butter plates replace the informal individual butter-dishes. luncheon At a formal luncheon nothing edible is placed upon the table but the fruit, cakes, bonbons, salted nuts, and hors d'ceuvres. The little fag- Table got-shaped wafers tied up with a ribbon decorations matching the flowers make a pretty at formal effect. Laced papers should be inter- luncheon posed between all these things and the silver, glass, or china dishes containing them, except of course the olives, radishes, or other hors d'oeuvres. If you have wine, a decanter of claret and one of sherry may also be upon the table. Claret cup, if preferred to wines, is served from the The side table in a glass pitcher, a bouquet wines of mint in its mouth. At a young girl's luncheon wines are never served ; the effervescent waters replace them, and at all women's luncheons these are increasing in 9 129 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS popularity, and are regarded as in better taste than wines. Champagne is entirely banished. The custom of giving favors at luncheons has been so overdone as to have been abandoned alto- gether. A bunch of violets, a single rose, or very occasionally a small bonbonniere is the owers Qn j f avor now considered to be good and favors J & form. Violets are usually preferred. The name-cards are simple ones with the mono- gram of the hostess, but may be made to con- tribute to the artistic, complimentary, or amusing features of the occasion, if one please. On the reverse side sometimes a quotation appropriate or flattering is written. Menus are never used. Theoretically artificial light at midday is not in the best taste, but no one likes to sit facing a sunny window with one's opposite neighbors ig ting t urne( j j n t; silhouettes, and then candle- the table light is becoming and the shades deco- rative. All of which reasons will probably con- spire to exclude the daylight. Points of A formal luncheon differs from a din- difference ner b^ j n f ew particulars. The manner between a / . . , , . , .. , luncheon serving is almost identical. and a Fruit is preferred to oysters as a first dinner course, bouillon is served in cups, com- monly with two handles, and the roast is often replaced by chops with peas or a pur^e of chest- nuts, or by an extra entree. The usual stereotyped luncheon in winter begins with grape-fruit cut in halves, the pulp loosened 130 LUNCHEONS, BREAKFASTS, SUPPERS around the edge, the seeds removed, powdered sugar put in the centre, and dashed with mareschino. A half is placed before each person, . .. The menu sometimes wreathed about with smilax on the plate, and eaten with a dessert or tea spoon. Clam broth or bouillon follows, served in cups; then lobster or fish in individual shells ; an entree of chicken, sweetbread, or a " vol-au-vent; " then filet of beef or chops with French peas or string beans. Chocolate may be here passed in cups with whipped cream on the top, unless wine or " cup " is served. The next course will be birds and lettuce with French dressing or a mayonnaise of celery. This is sometimes preceded by a " sorbet " or Roman punch served in very thin glasses, or a simple vegetable, asparagus or artichokes. The game course may be replaced by an aspic of foie gras or tomato jelly in a ring mould, the centre filled with dressed celery. The meal concludes with ices, cakes, bonbons, and coffee, served at table or in the drawing-room. In the summer a charming luncheon may consist of small clams on ice, jellied bouillon, cold salmon with green mayonnaise, sweetbreads, or mush- rooms on toast, broiled chicken with lettuce, straw- berries or peaches with ice cream, bonbons, and coffee. It is always a mark of distinction when a hostess may give her guests certain dishes not eaten elsewhere. These should not appear so often as to give the impression of monotony, but often ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS enough to make one anticipate their possible reappearance. The guests remove their wraps in an upstairs room, retaining their hats; the hostess wears a pretty house-dress. The servant is informed of the number of guests expected, and when all have arrived luncheon is announced. Should there be a belated guest the hostess defers the order for luncheon not longer than fifteen minutes, in justice to the rest. There is no formal procession in entering the dining- room. The hostess rises and simply says, in a gracious manner, " Ladies, luncheon is served ; will you follow me?" The friend with whom she is most intimate is generally given the foot of the table, and those whom she most desires to honor, the places upon her right and left. The servants in passing the dishes begin with the ladies at the right and left of the hostess alternately, Serving an ^ g om g m opposite directions bring the each course last to the lady of the house. luncheon Th^g j s no reason to pass anything to her first unless it is something a little difficult to serve. A hostess appears more as though her hospital- ity were arranged to give pleasure to her guests when she does not show a too evident A point of en j y men t o f her own good things. A excellence .... certain disinterestedness, which one in- stinctively recognizes, is a becoming accomplish- ment in a hostess. 132 LUNCHEONS, BREAKFASTS, SUPPERS It is one of the rules of tasteful catering that two sauces of the same color should not follow each other. Sauces are the test of good cookery. There was a famous bet made in Paris in the days of the Regency. Two well-known " gourmets " were extolling their respective cooks and their own delicacy of taste, when one bet the other that his cook could prepare a dish the materials of which his rival would be unable to recognize. The day of the test came, and an entree was served that all found delicious. No one could guess, how- ever, of what it was composed. The cook was questioned whether the mysterious dish were of chicken, sweetbreads, or calves' brains. He finally explained that it was made of a pair of white kid gloves, boiled to jelly-like shreds and served with a white sauce, elaborately flavored and seasoned. It was clever, but we may not regret that our cooks are less resourceful. Freshness, daintiness, absence of ostentation, while using all that one can command that is artistic and tasteful, should be the characteristics of a luncheon. The guests take their leave not more than half an hour after leaving the table. When one desires to entertain many guests at a time, four small round tables will accommodate twenty or twenty-four persons. As Lunc heons friends may be grouped by themselves, served at this arrangement has the cosiness of a small tables small gathering, while the many guests give it the brilliancy of a large one. The expense of such an '33 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS entertainment is also much smaller than would be two luncheons of ten or twelve covers each. The tables are usually decorated in different colors, each with a small centrepiece of flowers, a candelabrum, and dishes of cakes and bonbons. At the prettiest luncheon of the kind I ever saw, the four tables were decorated to suggest the four seasons. The " spring table " was all " S reen an d white, with lilies of the valley in the centre ; that suggesting summer was a mass of roses, the decorations all a soft, blushing pink. The one for autumn was a golden glory of chrysanthemums, and for winter white and red, the centrepiece of holly. Even in the ices the idea was carried out; snowballs, per- fectly round, coated with colorless lemon ice, were served at the winter table, ice cream straw- berries for spring, roses for summer, and fruits for autumn. In contrast to these fine doings are luncheons ^ e triumphs of economy realized at the Fifty Cent Luncheon Clubs. Ten or a dozen ladies agreed to meet at alter- nate houses once a fortnight for luncheon. At every meeting each guest brought fifty cents, which was given to some charity, and each hostess held herself pledged not to exceed the sum of five dollars in preparing her entertainment. At the close of the meal the hostess read an itemized list of all that had been expended, which the ladies noted on the back of their name-cards. LUNCHEONS, BREAKFASTS, SUPPERS One hostess offered her guest a " Literary Luncheon " of which the menu was as follows (cost, $4.87) "Lays of Ancient Rome" (stuffed eggs), Macaulay ; " The Red Skins " (lobster farci) Cooper; "Lamb's Works" (chops, with potato croquettes), Lamb; "Cometh up as a Flower" (mushrooms), Rhoda Broughton ; " Salad for the Solitary and the Social " (lettuce), Saunders ; " The Queen of Curds and Cream " (cream cheese), Mrs. Gerard ; " Man and the Glacial period (orange ice in skins), Wright ; " Coffee and Repartee " (coffee), John Kendrick Bangs. The explanations in parentheses were not on the menu. The table was set with all dainty accessories, but home-made bonbons replaced the usual sweets. The plan taxed ingenuity, taught economy, stimu- lated interest in the preparation of new and inex- pensive dishes, pleased by its novelty, and made the interchange of social functions possible to many who would otherwise deny themselves a pleasure that they craved and sometimes needed, since the old proverb about " all work and no play " is as true of grown-up children as of the little ones. At our fashionable summer resorts ladies who have their own houses often give carte blanche invi- tations for luncheon to their men friends, i n f orma i and encourage their women friends to luncheons drop in often. The result is usually a in summer merry and informal meal, which rapidly ripens into intimacy. It permits irregularity of numbers and ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS unequal distribution of the sexes. People sit where they please, and a late arrival is made welcome. They wear golf and tennis suits, and linger at the table, but take their leave shortly after leaving it, in deference to the possible afternoon engagements of the hostess, or all ad- journ to the veranda, where coffee and cigars are enjoyed. The meal is usually a simple one ; two courses and a salad, concluding with fruit, amply suffices. Iced tea or coffee, hock or claret cup, and effervescent waters are the usual drinks. A breakfast given as an entertainment differs from a luncheon in several particulars which people are not always careful to ob- Breakfasts r serve. The hour appointed should not be later than twelve or half after twelve o'clock. Artificial light should, if possible, be avoided, and the table decorations suggest daintiness rather than richness or elegance. Whatever is saved in other ways may be appropriately expended upon the flowers. One of the prettiest centrepieces that I saw at a breakfast was a round Leghorn hat filled with roses. A dish holding water was set in the crown. It looked as though a garden-hat had served temporarily for a basket while the roses were being gathered. Strawberries formed the first course, served in tiny flower-pots, lined and surrounded by their own leaves. Though artistic, this was, perhaps, straining a bit after effect, and simplicity is possibly in better taste. 136 LUNCHEONS, BREAKFASTS, SUPPERS A breakfast should invariably begin with fruit, succeeded by a fish course, an entree preferably of some concoction of eggs, one meat, The menu a salad, and a " sweet," concluding with of a coffee. Sweetbread or mushrooms may breakf ast replace the egg course. The meat selected is usually broiled chicken, with which the salad would be served, or salmi of duck, cutlets, or chicken a la Creole, when the salad would form a separate course with toasted biscuits and some fine cheese. Game is not out of place at an elaborate breakfast, but as it is usually an informal repast many courses are out of place. Ices are not served at a breakfast, but strawberries or other fruit, with Devonshire cream, fruit salad, or " Macedoine," or omelette soufflee, are within the proprieties. What the French call " 1'abondance " namely, claret and water is the " proper thing," but "cups" of all kinds are served. Where men are invited with ladies to a mid-day meal, it is usually called a breakfast. To show that entertaining need not be costly to be enjoyable, I may cite the example of one im- pecunious hostess who invited a few friends to a breakfast which her guests Economical breakfasts remember with pleasure. At each place was an orange, cut transversely, the pulp loosened from the skin, as grape-fruit is prepared, and eaten with a spoon. A spray of laurel leaves with each (nearly resembling those of the orange) gave a suggestive touch. A course 137 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS of egg croquettes followed, made of chopped hard-boiled eggs, moistened with the usual white sauce, seasoned with parsley and a suspicion of onion, and eaten with a tomato sauce. Chops, with paper frills and a border of potatoes fried to resemble straws, succeeded the eggs. After which a fair red apple, which had been hol- lowed out and filled with a mayonnaise of celery and apple, was placed at each cover on a plate, with a lettuce leaf between ; the top cut off was re- placed when the apple was filled. Cake soaked in sherry, with soft custard sauce, and coffee, con- cluded this simple but dainty meal. A large bunch of young green leaves formed the centre- piece of the table, and a few peppermints, simple cakes, and salted nuts were all its decoration. Suppers have the flavor of forbidden fruit to some, who fancy that revengeful good things will exact their penalty. The physicians, Suppers ' however, are changing their minds somewhat, and often advise a light supper for those whose minds or bodies have had any extra tax upon them. Even the excitement of pleasure may come under that diagnosis, and after theatre or opera people are always hungry. After a theatre party a little supper is invariably Theatre- gi ven ^ ^ has not been preceded by party a dinner, either at the house of the suppers lady giving the entertainment, or at a restaurant of reputation if the entertainer be a man. 138 LUNCHEONS, BREAKFASTS, SUPPERS At a private house the table is set and served as for a dinner or luncheon, though usually with greater simplicity. Watercress sandwiches, finger- rolls lined with pa"t6 de foie gras, bonbons and cakes, flowers and fruit are on the table. The usual menu is oysters on the half shell, bouillon in cups followed by one entree, sweetbreads, chicken cro- quettes with peas, crab farci, or lobster a TAmeri- caine, the last a culinary triumph, after which birds, cold or hot, with salad, concluding with an ice and coffee. Champagne or " cup " of some kind is usually served. Or a hostess may offer her guests a few oysters, cold roast chicken with lettuce salad, and an ice. Broiled oysters, grilled bones, or mushrooms on toast (sizzling hot), almost anything appetizing, may be served at supper, followed by fruit. After a large theatre party the many guests are often served at small tables, each decorated with a different color. There is no formal " pairing " in proceeding to the dining-room. Part of the charm of the little feast consists in the relaxing of the superfluous con- ventions. A hostess, however, tries to place her guests at table with others than those with whom they have been sitting at the theatre. Many indulgent hostesses allow the men their cigarettes, while the ladies remain, if they all acquiesce. The objection to suooer tobacco is merely personal. Smoking authorizes no license nor inspires it, and the con- ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS ventional bar against it is fast disappearing. As for ladies, smoking a prejudiced opinion is value- less and is therefore best suppressed but it is a temptation to inveigh against it ! After the sup- per the ability of some one to sing one or two " coon " songs or coster ballads sometimes tides over an awkward few moments in which no one seems to know just what to do, and a little later all take their leave, the young women usually with their maids, who call for them. A chafing-dish supper is generally a pleasant informality, and one consisting of a Welsh rarebit and ale, or "golden buck" (a rarebit ing " with poached eggs on it) with lager dish supper beer, is usually much relished. At these informal affairs the servants are not in evi- dence. Everybody waits upon everybody else. For an elaborate supper, which "gourmets" would appreciate, one may have bouillon, terrapin, canvas-back ducks (or red-heads, ruddy A supper ducks or woodcock) with celery may- fora _. , . \ " rmets" onnaise - Each person is expected to eat a whole duck, cooked rare and very hot. Champagne or burgundy is served, and the feast concludes with a fruit salad, each individual portion surmounted by a tablespoonful of orange ice garnished with glac6 cherries. The In English households the " supper English tray " is expected as a matter of course. " supper- Cold meat, potato salad, bread and cheese with ale or beer, are its usual furnishings. 140 LUNCHEONS, BREAKFASTS, SUPPERS Suppers at balls and dances are generally served " en buffet." A large table is set with flowers, lights, and many tempting delicacies. The dining-room is brilliantly lighted, ' ' usual ball the chairs are set against the wall, and supper on the sideboard is a generous supply of plates, glasses, cups, and saucers, small fringed napkins, knives, forks, and spoons. At eleven or twelve o'clock the dining-room doors are opened or portieres drawn, and without further announcement the guests go in and out as they please. Several ser- vants are in attendance, who are on the alert to assist the men in serving the ladies, see that no one is overlooked, and to clear away the dishes and glasses that have been in use. The menu may be as simple or as elaborate as the host choose. Bouillon, oysters served in any way but raw, toothsome preparations r i u , u- i *. u The menu of lobster, chicken timbales or cro- quettes, lobster and chicken salads, sandwiches, with ices of various kinds, cakes, and bonbons compose the usual ball supper ; but salmon with green mayonnaise, terrapin, cold birds, game pates, canvas-back ducks, and boned turkey may be added, if one please. Champagne or sometimes light Rhine wines, " cup " of one or two kinds, mineral waters, and black coffee are served. In some houses, the servants are instructed to bring forth a fresh supply of hot oysters, cold game, and salad, with wines for the men who have ignored 141 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS their own claims of appetite in ministering to the ladies. The attention is much appreciated when opportunity serves. In a small room, or some- where near the ball-room, is always a table where throughout the evening a servant dispenses lemon- ade and punch from large bowls that are kept constantly replenished. At a small dance, where the assistance of a A su er caterer IS not desired, the supper may at an consist of bouillon, one hot dish, salad, informal ices, sandwiches, cakes, bonbons, and coffee. Two capable maid-servants may serve it acceptably. The most elegant way to serve a ball supper is at small tables, either in a room adjoining or near A su er ^ e ball-room, if the accommodation is served at spacious, or a corps of servants with small tables marvellous celerity carry a number of small tables, already set, and distribute them about the ball-room, dining-room, and hall-way, if necessary. Each table is arranged with lights, flowers, etc., at which four or six persons may be accommodated, and are served in courses. The supper may consist of oysters, bouillon, a hot entree, game with salad, ices, bonbons, and The menu co ^ ee - Claret and champagne are served. The opportunity is favorable for the enjoyment of some fine selections from the orches- tra, in total contrast to the dance-music. The supper concluded, the tables and chairs are quickly removed, and the dancing recommences. 142 Chapter Tenth DINNERS DINNER where the " bill of com- pany " and the bill-of-fare are both pleasing has rightly been called the " flower of hospitality," as it is its most charming expression. Fashion now condemns an over-bountiful pro- vision, and the elegance of an entertainment de- pends rather upon the choice of the viands than upon the number of the courses. Good taste has always put quality before quantity. The first rule to be observed is not to attempt more than can be done well and with ease. A centrepiece of flowers, fruit, or ferns, spotless damask, sparkling silver and glass, comfortable chairs, a room not too warm, a few dishes well cooked and daintily served, however simple, a genial host, a gracious hostess, and pleasant people furnish an entertainment leaving little to be desired. We have begun to recognize that entertainments are intended to be recreations, and several small dinners fulfil that requirement better ., , , , i Little than one or two long and elaborate re- Dinners pasts. It is also considered " smarter " so to entertain, and that of course settles the matter. ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS As " it requires a gentleman to wear a dress- coat," so only people of native refinement are able to achieve an ideal little dinner, for nothing must be overdone. Large wealth is by no means one of the essentials. As entertaining becomes elaborate it provokes envy and criticism, and is a thankless task at best. A charming little dinner may be given at a cost of not more than twenty-five dollars for eight or ten persons, or for half that sum exclusive of wines, if a salad with cheese replace the game course ; or it may be a feast worthy of Lucullus and tax the purse of a Fortunatus. Not the least among the qualifications of a good hostess is to know how to bring the right people together. A notable French gastrono- mer & ves as a ru ^ e ^ at ^ e num ber of guests should not exceed ten persons nor be fewer than six. When the number is smaller there is little sparkle to the conversation, and where there are many guests they are apt to divide themselves into groups, and the gayety that is born of numbers is lost. Our Frenchman advises a judicious mingling of old and new friends. The old friends identify themselves with their host and have a personal interest in making the affair a success, while the presence of strangers stimulates all wits, and under the " inspiration of a new audience " old stones renew their youth and acquire freshness and interest. 144 DINNERS In disposing the guests about the table the pleasantest results will follow if each person is " sandwiched " between a new acquaintance and an old one. Having selected our guests, we should send the invitations two weeks in advance of the time set for the dinner during " the season," unless- our friends are persons of many i nv i tat ions engagements, when they may be asked a few days earlier. The motive being explained, that the early notification is to spare ourselves disappointment, our friends cannot but be flat- tered. If we do not take this precaution, guests fail us and the whole scheme has to be recon- structed. A little dinner being friendly and informal, the notes of invitation should give a foretaste of these pleasures. The usual hour is at seven or half after seven, and for a more ceremonious dinner eight or half after eight o'clock is the fash- ionable hour. One must think of many things, for nothing must be left to chance. One young hostess last winter issued twelve invitations for a dinner of twelve, quite forgetting herself and her husband until she was placing the name-cards. As plates, glasses, wines, etc., all come in dozens, she was much embarrassed. The household of her parents, those bankers provided by nature, fortunately sup- plied all that she lacked. 10 US ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS The dinner itself is the next thing to be decided upon, and the choice of dishes must The cook , depend upon ones cook and one s pocketbook. In large cities we may be independent of the lady who rules our kitchens, and purchase success and the most serene peace of mind with a single five-dollar bill. There are cooks whose business it is to prepare dinners and luncheons at the houses of their patrons. They call upon the lady of the house a few days before the entertainment to discuss the menu. The cook will make all necessary pur- chases or give the lady a list of all that will be required. Her technical knowledge often spares the hostess considerable expense. If one be dependent upon one's own cook and she has not much experience, it is wiser not to attempt anything that cannot be readily accom- plished. To do herself credit when under the excitement of preparing a " company " dinner, it is well for her to rehearse the " entrees " once or twice for private family consumption, or these may be sent from a reliable caterer's and warmed over hot water. A good cook, however, is an economy, if one entertains often. For a ceremonious dinner of eighteen covers or more, three persons would be required The to serve it with elegance and prompt- scrvsints ness. In large houses these would be a butler, footman, and maid, or two footmen. 146 DINNERS A dinner of twelve persons may be well served by a butler and maid or by two capable maids. It requires an exceptional servant to do justice to a company of more than six persons, unassisted. An intelligent maid may easily be taught to serve " a la Russe " (the servant passing every- thing), which is at once the simplest and most ele- gant form of service. When well trained she may serve a dinner of ten covers with the help of an assistant who need only be agile, quiet, and obedi- ent to her superior's gesture of direction. An extra servant in the butler's pantry is almost a necessity to insure promptness and ease in serving. The butler wears evening livery, of course ; the footmen, full house livery. The maids should wear black gowns with ample white aprons, caps, and broad linen collars and cuffs, the woman's equivalent for the butler's dress livery. In giving small dinners where ceremony is some- what relaxed, it is well to remember that to be well served when guests are present, it is necessary to be well served every day in private. Scarcely inferior in importance to the other essen- tials of a charming dinner are the setting r i it/- i Laying the and decoration of the table, for the eye table must be pleased as well as the palate. Nothing is prettier than a round table, nor is any other shape as conducive to general and sym- pathetic conversation. It also obviates the neces- sity for a head and foot at table, if for any reason the seating of the guests offer a difficulty. An ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS adjustable round top, to be placed on a table of any form, may be made by an ordinary carpenter with room for as many covers as one please, allow- ing two and a half feet of space to each. If made in two parts, it will be found more convenient to handle and to dispose of when not in use. In arranging a square table for eight persons it is well to seat two at each end and two at each side, which makes the men and women alternate properly. Under the table-cloth, which should be of heavy damask, carefully laundered and ample enough for its four corners to almost reach the floor, a cover of felt or very heavy canton flannel should be laid. In the exact centre of the table it is usual to have a centrepiece of lace, embroidered bolting cloth or linen, upon which the flowers stand. Nothing gives so festal an air and withal such refinement and grace as flowers in the centre of a table, or four slender vases holding a few flowers choice blossoms flanking a jardiniere of delicate ferns. Smilax disposed about the table, wreathing the dishes with an art that conceals art, is effective in decoration. They of plethoric purses may have gorgeous centrepieces of American Beauty roses in com- bination with white lilacs or bride roses with maidenhair fern and white orchids ; but any one may have a modest centrepiece of flowers by making first a foundation of solid green (geranium slips are best for the purpose) and then introducing 148 DINNERS the blossoms. Every flower is seen to advantage and is held in place by the stout foliage of the geranium. The old fashion of composing the flower-piece of small bouquets, which, after dinner, the servant passes on a tray so that each lady may select her own, was a graceful one and always welcomed with pleasure. One rarely sees flowers at the guests' places, except occasionally a long-stemmed rose for each lady, and more unfrequently buttonhole bonquets for the men. These are sometimes left in the men's dressing-room. Candelabra should flank the centrepiece of flowers opposite the host and hostess, and smaller candlesticks on either side, or four The lights single ones may stand at equal distances from the flowers and from each other, with or without shades they are rarely used in France. Candles are conceded to furnish the most becom- ing light, but they should be sufficiently numerous to make gas or electric light unnecessary, which is incongruous and inartistic in combination with candlelight, neutralizing all its advantages. The uneven burning of the candles maybe obviated by keeping them on ice two or three hours before using, and they should be lighted long enough before dinner to test their condition. As candle shades are apt to catch fire, a pair of sugar-tongs within reach will be found convenient with which to grasp them and throw them harmlessly into the grate. All annoyances of the kind are obviated 149 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS by the use of a porcelain candle, containing a real one, which is pushed by a spiral spring as it burns. All the table paraphernalia should be placed with mathematical regularity. Some scheme of color is usually chosen in the decora- The tion of the table, to which the flowers, decorations bonbons, candle-shades, and embroi- dered centrepiece conform, but it is not now made quite so conspicuous as a few years ago. Small dishes of silver, rare porcelain, glass, or silver-gilt, called " compotiers," containing fancy cakes, bon- bons, crystallized fruits, and salted nuts, are placed where they will be most effective. Flowers and all decorations should be so disposed as not to ob- struct the view across the table. Olives, radishes, and other hors d'ceuvres are served from the side table, and at large dinners decanters are rarely put upon the table unless their elegance is a reason for so doing. All elaborate folding of napkins is out of fashion. They are simply laid on the plates or at Arrange- one s ^ e > folded square with the mono- ment of gram corner uppermost, and a roll or the covers S q Uare o f bread two inches thick within the folds. At the left of the plate three silver forks are placed, the tines turned upward. One has only to use them in succession, beginning with the farthest one, and " eat in," as the local Western vernacular has it. The silver knife for the fish if it be required a dinner knife and tablespoon are at the right. 150 DINNERS The glasses are freshly rilled with iced water but without ice, and near them a vase-shaped glass for sherry, a colored one, white and red or pale green shaped like the water-goblet for white wine, a duplicate in white for claret, and a low flaring one for champagne. Small tumblers are used for mineral waters. Menus are only used at very large, formal din- ners, and name-cards are of the simplest, plain cards with the monogram of the hostess or the family " arms " in gilt. Favors Menus and , , name-cards and elaborate name-cards are used only if the feast be given to mark some special occa- sion or anniversary, when inventive wit may have full play. Spoons for which there is no use should not be scattered about the table. Individual salts or large salt-cellars are used according to taste and preference. The fashion of having a different set of plates for each course shows no abatement, and as they come at all prices, the service need not be more costly than a whole set of uniform pattern. If a hostess have but one, two, or three sets of choice plates, they would be used for the fruit, game course, and entree, in that order of importance. Vegetable and meat dishes of silver or plated ware have the advantage over china of being unbreakable. A side table, supplied with extra knives, forks, spoons, etc., is a necessity. Upon this are also the IS' ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS finger-bowls, until needed, half filled with water, each with its leaf or small blossoms. The service a la Russe is accepted as the sim- plest and most elegant in England, France, America, and probably the conventional Serving cus t- om obtains as widely as fashion in the table ; dress, and it is said that Worth s " crea- tions " find their way to Patagonia. The dishes are passed held on the flat of the servant's hand, with a napkin between, a large spoon and fork in each, from which all help them- selves. A tray is used for such things as are merely passed to a person, not requiring the slightest effort to serve himself. The servants begin alternately at the right and left of the host, and proceed in opposite directions in regular order, that the same persons be not served first and last. At a dinner of twelve covers or more, two dishes in duplicate, passed simulta- neously the servants, beginning at different sides and opposite ends of the table, is at once the more elegant and expeditious manner of serving. Noth- ing is more inelegant than for the servants to carry piles of plates in their hands and distribute them about the table as though dealing cards. All plates should be brought and removed one by one. Upon withdrawing a soiled plate a fresh one is slipped quietly in its place, but not until all per- sons have finished. Neither must one plate ever be laid upon another for convenience in removal. This should be insisted upon. The plates should 152 DINNERS be cold for the salad and dessert course and thoroughly warmed for the hot dishes. The servants must be watchful to note when fresh forks are needed, and at the time of substi- tuting clean plates for those that have been used, they should be quietly laid in place, either by the same servant, or preferably by the assistant follow- ing him. It is excessively bad form to have knives or forks on a plate when placing it before a person. Plates and small silver may be washed in the pantry and used for succeeding courses. Empty plates and those containing individual portions are placed and removed from the right, but everything is passed to a person at his left hand. A servant should never reach across any one in placing and removing things. The oysters are generally in place when the company assembles ; each plate, containing half a dozen oysters with a bit of lemon, stands upon a dinner plate. The lemon should be so cut that the juice maybe expressed without soiling the fingers. The oysters should be kept on ice until the moment of their serving. Many persons now discard the custom of having the oysters on a bed of pulver- ized ice, voting it " messy," and bring in the oysters after the company is seated. In this case, and at small dinners where soup is the first course, an empty dinner plate is at each cover. These under plates are left when the oyster plates are removed. Red pepper and brown-bread sand- wiches are passed with oysters. The soup is 153 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS served from the pantry, the plates about half full. To expedite the service, the servants may bring two plates of soup each from the pantry and place them on a side table, but only one must be carried to the table at a time by each. In removing the soup-plates, the under plates are still left, which now come into requisition for the hors d'oeuvres, which gives place in turn to those for the fish. With the fish a sauce is commonly passed, and sometimes cucumbers and boiled potatoes like marbles. The entree, if served in tiny saucepans or indi- vidual forms, is placed before the guests. The roast is carved in the kitchen or pantry, and neatly disposed upon the dish. A single vegetable accompanies it, or with a " filet " a " jar- diniere " of several small vegetables is often placed about it as a garnishing. The game follows with a salad, for which small cold plates are provided to insure its crispness. These plates are slipped unobtrusively into place as the salad is offered, and withdrawn if it is re- fused not dealt about the table. Salted almonds are passed between the courses and are convenient to bridge delays. After the game the table is cleared for the sweet course. Everything not required is re- moved on a serving-tray covered with a doily, and the crumbs are brushed off. Ices in individual forms are placed before the guests, but the larger forms are passed, followed DINNER S by the cakes. The finger-bowls on a handsome plate the choicest of the hostess's collection with a doily between, containing a slice of lemon, a geranium leaf, or a few violets, are placed before the guests, and the fruit is passed, followed by the bonbons. Coffee is served to the ladies in the drawing- room, and to the men, with cigars and cigarettes, when the ladies have withdrawn. Liqueurs follow the coffee, but the subject of wines will be con- sidered farther on. For the usual dinner, when guests are bidden, raw oysters form the first course, which, as spring advances, are replaced by little-neck . J The menu clams or fruit, strawberries, and later melons peaches, etc. Grape fruit sometimes fol- lows or replaces the oysters, prepared with a dash of maraschino or containing a few brandied cherries or a " mac^doine " of small fruits. Next follows the clear soup, green turtle, if preferred, or if the soup be made from beef or chicken, terrapin sometimes succeeds the soup in lieu of fish, which of course is next in order. After the fish, one or two entries. Except at a large dinner, one is thought sufficient, which is succeeded by the roast, which consists usually of a filet of beef, saddle of mutton, or spring lamb. If a single vegetable is served alone, asparagus or artichokes, according to the French fashion, it is here introduced. Roman punch follows at large dinners. It is thought to be a preparation for ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS the due appreciation of the game, which comes next, with salad. A mayonnaise of celery is considered to be the best accompaniment to wild ducks and birds with dark flesh, and lettuce salad with plain French dressing goes best with partridge, quail, or any game or poultry with white meat. In the spring, when game is hard to procure, broiled young chickens replace it very acceptably, and a tomato salad with it gives just the right piquancy. Some persons serve cheese after the game, with toasted biscuits, and celery with Brie or Camembert With Bondon or cream cheese, the Bar-le-duc conserve of currants is much appreciated. Next comes the sweet course, in America understood almost universally to be an ice in some delectable form. Cakes, bonbons, fruit, etc., with coffee and liqueurs, conclude the repast. The order of service for the wines which The wines . ... . . .... is most widely accepted is as follows : White wine is served with the oysters, sherry with the soup. The glasses are replenished with white wine when the fish is served. Claret is best with the roast, and champagne is opened at the game course, though some persons serve the latter wine all through the dinner after the soup. When this is once opened the glasses are never allowed to be empty unless at the intimation of the wish of the guest. Some " bon-vivants " have very thin glasses placed 156 DINNERS upon the table at the time of serving the game, if wild ducks supply that course, and commend to their friends some fine old burgundy, but the cus- tom of drinking many wines is rapidly going out of fashion and favor. Champagne or burgundy is preferred with terrapin. The servant before pouring the wines sometimes mentions what they are, to give one the option of accepting or refusing them. This, of course, when a choice of two wines is offered. Usually two kinds of liqueur maraschino, green mint, fine brandy, or others are passed on a tray in cordial decanters, with small glasses to match, and the butler or maid pours the liqueur into the glasses, after hearing what each one pre- fers. Commonly only green mint in tiny glasses filled with pulverized ice, and occasionally mares- chino, is offered to the ladies in the drawing-room. Later, effervescent waters in glasses freshly filled are passed to them. Champagne should be kept in a bucket of ice and salt in the pantry for an hour before serv- ing, then the bottles are wrapped about with a napkin to absorb the moisture. Ice is never put into the champagne glasses. White wine should be kept cold in the ice-chest, but clarets and bur- gundies are preferred slightly warm or of the tem- perature of the room. Sherry and claret are generally decanted. Cham- pagne and white wine are always poured from the bottle. 157 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS The custom of pouring a few drops of wine from the bottle into the host's glass lest there be bits of cork is a time-honored observance of courtesy, now not always insisted upon. At small dinners sherry and claret, or claret Wines at alone, are thought to furnish all the small wines that are necessary; but for a dinners dj nne r of eight persons either white wine, champagne, or both are not infrequently added. Music is rarely heard in these days during the service of a private dinner. When it is desired, only stringed instruments are admissible, The music .. 11,, and the performers should be stationed far enough from the dining-room for the music to be no interruption to the conversation. Any- thing sufficiently fine to challenge keen apprecia- tion would better be deferred for the entertainment of the guests after the dinner. The dining-room, to be comfortable later, should be freshly aired and cool. The hostess, having written out her menu and full directions ^ or t ^ ie serv i ce f plates, etc., for the instruction of her servants, providing against every contingency, having herself placed the name-cards which she has written to indicate the places at table should be ready fifteen min- utes before the arrival of her guests, and await them in the drawing-room, serene and self-possessed. This gives her maid time to arrange that lady's room, so that if it be used for the guests' dressing- 158 DINNERS room, it may be faultlessly neat. A maid should be there to assist the ladies when they shall arrive. There is only one thing worse for a guest than to be too late for a dinner, and that is to be too early. Nothing is more upsetting to a hostess, but if she be ready in good time she is prepared for whatever may arise, and does not lose the repose of manner that is so essential. A lady once jest- ingly told of a dinner where the first course was " hot hostess " ! The host should be present with his wife in the drawing-room to assist in receiving the guests. Where there are daughters or visitors T he stopping at the house, who are to be at arrival of the dinner, they too should be there. the g uests Upon the arrival of the guests the servant opens the door anticipating a summons, and directs them where to find the dressing-rooms. He presents to each gentleman a salver upon which he finds a tiny envelope addressed to him, containing a card with the name of the lady whom he is to take in to dinner, and R or L in one corner to indi- cate the right or left of the table at which they are to sit. The servant announces the names of the guests as they enter the drawing-room, except at small informal dinners. Every one should feel punctu- ality to be an obligation. Fifteen minutes is allowed for all to assemble. An additional fifteen minutes' grace may be conceded for a belated guest, after which in justice l $9 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS to the rest of the company the hostess should ring for the dinner to be served, the signal he tar y unc j ers t O od by the butler in case of any guest J one lacking of the number indicated by the covers at table. Upon the appearance of the tardy guest, it is explained to him that doubtless he would have preferred for them not to wait longer, which would be true of a well-bred man. The dinner is announced by the appearance of the butler or maid, who silently draws aside the The r - P or ti res or murmurs the time-honored cession to formula, " Madam is served." the dining- The host gives his right arm to the lady whom he wishes most to distin- guish, and leads the way into the dining-room ; the rest follow arm in arm, and the hostess brings up the rear with the man whom she may seat either at her right or left hand. It is not obligatory for the most distinguished masculine guest to escort the hostess into the din- ing-room ; he will sit at her right at the^uests table, ^ ut ften escorts the lady into the room who is to sit at his right. This enables the hostess to show attention to two men. The woman on the host's left is next in importance to her upon his right. With these exceptions there is no difference in the degree of attention. When, for any reason, an extra lady is present, the hostess would walk into the room with her. The host should sit at the farther end of the 1 60 D INNERS table, so that when the hostess enters the room she finds her place near the door and does not have to pass those who have preceded her. The butler or waitress stands behind her chair. When all have assembled, the gentlemen assist in seating the ladies, before they take their places. None wait for the others. Once seated, the hostess should appear as a guest at her own table, leav- ing all responsibility to the servants. It is not customary to say " grace " at " company " dinners, unless there is a clergyman present, when he should be asked to offer the thanksgiving, which should be brief. The women remove their gloves and lay them in their laps. The habit of tucking them in at the wrists, or, worse, placing them in a wineglass, is inelegant. The napkin is unfolded to half its amplitude and laid across the lap. If one does not take wine, a gesture of dissent will be understood. In refusing a dish, one says merely, " Thank you," making no effort to help one's self. In the hands of the hostess usually lies the re- sponsibility of setting the conversational ball rolling, and she should give flattering attention to all others. A guest should say a few Conver ~ ' sation words to each neighbor at the earliest opportunity, whether previously presented or not. The most popular hostesses are those who, self- forgetting, seek to call forth the best points of their guests. To quote one charming woman, u 161 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS " It is not necessary to be wise, it is only necessary to please," which sums up the best philosophy of the sex. At a glance from the hostess, who must not in- terrupt any specially absorbing conversation, the When the ladies rise, leaving their napkins un- ladies folded on the table, or letting them fall withdraw to the floor The men ajso rjse and remain standing until the ladies pass out, the one nearest the doorway holding the portieres aside for them. Or, the gentlemen accompany them to the drawing-room, seat them, bow and return to the dining-room and enjoy coffee and cigars in each other's company for a brief half-hour or less. Here they usually change their seats and draw up sociably near their host. Servants pass cigars and cigarettes with a small alcohol lamp or tiny candle in a holder. Ash trays are placed conveniently near, and the decanters pass from hand to hand, the host hospitably taking the initiative. The ladies in the drawing-room chat over their coffee. They resume their gloves or not, as they please. A dinner should not last more than an hour and a half, and an hour or less after the men have re- joined the ladies the guests should take leave g their ^ eave um>ess music, dancing, or some special entertainment detain them, and express in a few cordial words to host and hostess their appreciation of the hospitality. Of such guests as happen to be near, to whom one has been presented, it is usual to take leave, 162 DINNERS but to others one need but bow and smile adieu if they happen to catch one's eye. If there has been any one present specially dis- tinguished, the woman guest of honor is the first to take her departure. Of course, the woman, not the man, is the one who always gives the signal to take leave. When the guests are leaving the house, the butler or maid stands ready to open the door, assist the gentlemen with their coats, and call the carriages. Some one has aptly said, " Little din- An ners make people friends." They are informal universally regarded as the pleasantest Iittle of social functions. The general principles of serving are the same for a small as for a large dinner, the shorter and simpler menu marking the chief difference. The table has its centrepiece of growing ferns or fruit, artistically arranged with leaves, if flowers are not available. Two or four candlesticks with wax candles or dinner lamps (these, mere lamp bowls set in the sockets of candlesticks) covered with pretty shades, four compotiers of glass, china, or silver, holding a few bonbons, small fancy cakes, olives, and radishes or celery, and a decanter of claret and one of sherry sufficiently ornament the table. A few oysters, soup, a fish, one entre'e, a roast, salad with a bit of cheese, an ice, fruit, and a cup of good coffee make a dinner good enough to " set be- fore a king." A glass of sherry with the soup and a 163 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS sound claret with the roast are all that are required for a little dinner, and for those whose principles forbid the indulgence, effervescent waters make excellent substitutes. Butter is never served at dinner, except occasionally with crackers and cheese, unless at a family meal with corn or sweet potatoes. For a simple repast among friends, soup, a fine roast carefully selected, with two vegetables, a A plain well-dressed salad, a sweet course, and dinner unexceptionable coffee, amply suffice. among The hostess sometimes serves the soup intimates . . . . , and sweet, and the roast is carved on the table. Plates should never be piled before them, boarding-house style. A single plate is placed be- fore host or hostess, which, when supplied, the servant withdraws, instantly replacing it with a clean one, and carrying the first to its destination. The ladies are served first. The vegetables are passed from the side table, and there kept covered. The special rules of serving such a dinner will be found in the chapter which considers the " Family Table." Nothing can simulate the ease that comes of habit. When a man gives a " stag dinner " to his friends, the conventional observance is for the hostess to receive the guests with the host in the J . stag ,, drawing-room, waiting there until all are dinner " assembled and the dinner announced, and then withdrawing with a few words conveying pleas- 164 DINNERS ant wishes. No better menu could be offered them than raw oysters, a clear soup, terrapin, canvas-back or red-head duck with celery salad, a fruit salad, and a cup of Turkish coffee. Each person is ex- pected to eat a whole duck, which is cooked rare and served red hot. Sherry with the soup, madeira or sherry with the terrapin, and burgundy or champagne should be served with the ducks. If this is too costly a feast, planked shad, bass, or lobster may replace the terrapin, and any other game served instead of the canvas-backs, after a roast. A boutonniere may be at each place, and choice cigars are "de rigueur." 165 Chapter Eleventh BALLS AND DANCES I HE gladness of young hearts and the ^lightness of young feet have by 'some instinct found expression and gratification in dancing throughout the ages, and, on the principle that a rule works both ways, a dance seems always a scene of light-hearted gayety. That it may be all that it seems is more depend- ent upon the good-breeding of hosts and guests, upon mutual consideration, unselfishness, and cour- tesy, than might be supposed without reflection. To know too what is expected of one goes far towards relieving a guest of self-consciousness, and the ease acquired from habitual following of the usages of polite society rids one of embarrassment and leaves one free to enjoy one's self. Mr. Ward McAllister averred that when he limited New York's socially elect to four hundred, he meant " those who were at ease in a ball-room," The discrimination barred out many charming people, but he found but those few who were at home in the city's gayest scenes. The man who taught New Yorkers to dance when the century was just out of its teens was old John Charriaud, " fiddle " in hand, who gave yearly 166 BALLS AND DANCES what he called "Publicks." Although none but his pupils and their parents were admitted, they were the first balls of note since the English occu- pation. From that time the city has never been without its grand balls every season. The present etiquette of the ball-room may be best formulated, perhaps, after the usages that obtain at the " Assemblies " and other Ball-room fashionable subscription dances. They etiquette as are especially representative of our con- observed J . . , , at the temporary society, since it has become Assem _ the custom to give large private dances blies " and at assembly rooms in some favorite hotel lar s e P ri - or restaurant, when the accommodation vs for guests would exceed the capacity of the hostess's own drawing-room. These private balls are con- ducted in the same manner as the subscription dances, so what is said of one will apply to all. An awning and carpet extend from p repara _ the street to the house door. A man tion for the in footman's livery opens the carriage doors, and gives to the guests and their coachmen duplicate checks, whereon are numbers by which the carriages may be sum- moned when wanted. The entrance door is opened by a man in butler's livery, who directs the guests to the cloak rooms, where the ladies remove their wraps, leaving them in charge of maids who number each parcel, giving a duplicate number-check to its owner. There is a gentlemen's dressing-room as well, where one or 167 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS two valets perform a like service for the masculine guests. Here they usually find cigars, cigarettes, brandy, and soda, or other effervescent waters, unless a smoking-room is set apart for them. The ventilation of the ball-rooms should be carefully looked to. If dance programmes are to be used, the guests find them either in the dressing-rooms or accept them from a tray tendered by a servant just outside the ball-room door. Ladies meet their escorts at the head or foot of the staircase and go together to the ball-room. The recep- They never enter arm in arm ; the lady tion of the goes first, a step in advance, after their guests names have been announced at the door very clearly and distinctly by a man in evening livery. Some hostesses omit the announcement of the guests. The hostess offers her hand to every one in cordial welcome, and says a few words expressive of gratification. If she is the mother of daughters, they may assist her in receiving, standing at her left. A debutante always stands by her mother, if the dance is in her honor, and is presented to such of the guests as are unknown to her. When the dancing begins, the young hostesses fulfil their promised obligations and return be- tween dances to their mother's side during the arrival of the guests. A hostess fond of dancing defers the pleasure until late in the evening, and remains at her post. 168 BALLS AND DANCES If the hostess has no daughters, she usually asks one, two, or three friends to aid her in welcoming her guests, to whom she, of course, presents all comers. The host may consult his own preference about receiving or not receiving with his wife. There seems a general anxiety to arrive as late as possible. As the saying is, " Nobody goes until every one is there," but from ten to half after ten, the stately rooms begin beg j ns to fill, the new arrivals keeping cau- tiously near the doorways. The chaperons and their charges find places on the sofas or chairs lining the walls, and the young men crowding about them secure dancing engagements. There is a sound of many voices repeating the same formulae. Groups of people congregate together, and then suddenly disperse in couples, as the music strikes up, and the ball begins. A full string orchestra is usually stationed be- hind a screen of plants or in a balcony at a large dance. The selections should please by The music their vivacity and variety and include and the the popular favorites of the hour. The floor music begins upon the arrival of the first guest. The floor should be even, carefully waxed, but not too slippery. The first part of the evening is es- pecially devoted to making introduc- tions. Following strict etiquette, a man desiring to know a lady should first seek presen- 169 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS tation to her husband, father, or chaperon, and through one of these be introduced to the lady her- self. When a man is presented to a young woman, he usually asks her to dance almost at once. A girl who has not come with her mother is generally under the chaperonage of some married woman, who exerts herself to give her charge a pleasant time. The young men who are under obligations to her for dinners, opera, theatre, or house parties come to pay their respects and are presented to her protegee. If a girl is attractive, the men flock around the chaperon with that object in view. Men are much like sheep, where one leads, the rest follow. An operetta, once popular, called " The Loan of a Lover," was founded on this propensity. The young people ,are all anxious to make acquaintances before the cotillion begins, since the pleasure of that dance depends upon having many partners. A man, if he is well bred, will not be entirely absorbed in his own enjoyment, but keep his eyes about him and see where he may make himself useful. A good hostess is absolutely self-forgetful. She welcomes each arrival with a cordiality which conveys the assurance of a personal of the interest and gratification. She singles hostess and out the shy and diffident, and puts them her family at the ; r ease by tactful attentions. She notes the girls who have no partners and supplies the deficiency without wounding their " amour- 170 BALLS AND DANCES propre," by appearing to have observed their lone condition, and wins the young men to do her bidding by so graciously asking a favor that she seems to be conferring one. Not alone the hostess, but the host, the sons and daughters of the house should exert them- selves to bring the young people together, and devote special attention to those guests who are overlooked by others. If they do their duty, there will be no crowd of idle men lounging near the doorways, no " wallflowers " sitting with heavy hearts and smiling lips, while others are whirling by and tasting all the joys that maidens covet. A hostess keenly observant and tactful may by a little manoeuvring insure a pleasant evening to every one present. If the hostess of the occasion has borrowed the visiting-list of some intimate friend, whose cards have been enclosed in the invitations, The she should ask the lady who stands her hostess of sponsor to receive with her and present borrowed her to the guests. This means is occa- acquaint- sionally resorted to when a daughter is to be introduced to society or some distinguished stranger entertained. The two-step, the waltz, and an occasional set of Lancers are favored to the exclusion of all other dances until the cotillion begins. As , . The dances dancing is the object and reason ot the assemblage, every one is expected to enjoy and take part in it. 171 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS In the early part of the evening a man should ask the privilege of a dance with his hostess or her daughters and those who are assisting them in re- ceiving, and then proceed to ask others, writing his name on their cards or programmes opposite the dances accorded and registering the ladies' names on his own. Where dance programmes are not used, a man merely says in the conventional phrase, " May I have the pleasure of this dance? " or more commonly, " May I have the next waltz, Miss ?" Cut-and-dried phrases are going out of fashion, with sometimes a little loss to courtesy. The manner should therefore supply it. The lady accepts with a gracious bow and smile, and rises at once if the dance is in progress or about to begin. If the invitation is for a future number, she may say, " Thank you, I shall be very glad," in a tone that is cordial but not effusive. She can hardly refuse unless her programme is full, but may plead fatigue. A girl must not refuse to dance with one man under some pretext and then dance with another, though she may walk or talk with him, neither should she dance with the same man oftener than two or three times, unless she is willing to adver- tise her preference. A man should be prompt in claiming the dances promised him. It is an un- pardonable rudeness not to appear as soon as the music strikes up. Every man says on the occa- sion, " This is our dance, I believe." Originality is conspicuous by its absence. We no longer 172 v BALLS AND DANCES hear of objections to round dances. The conven- tionality and publicity of the attitudes extract the poison, where any exists, and we have come to the conviction that there is impropriety in the sugges- tion of impropriety. Men and maidens must be careful to remember their dancing engagements and be most honorable in their discharge. Some persons never seem to be overheated or out of breath, pant more than is correct, or blush more than is becoming. They have a knack of talking to their partners in level tones while whirl- ing with perfect ease in perfect time, the men without laboring, the women swaying, gracefully pliant and responsive to every movement of their cavaliers. Physicians say that this ease of motion may be attained by any one who will allow his body to work automatically, after being well trained and if kept in practice. If a man can- not " reverse " with ease, or finds his partner un- responsive to his effort to guide her in that direction, he would show wisdom in keeping out of the vortex as much as possible, seeking quieter parts of the room. People of any age may walk through a set of Lancers without loss of dignity. It is always the lady's prerogative to stop dancing. The man should acquiesce, releasing her at once, and thank her for the pleasure accorded him. When a man has an awkward manner ,. , , .. , . , i Position in of holding his partner, the provincial danc j ne stands confessed. The proper position is for him to place his arm half-way about her ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS waist to support and guide her, his hand coming at the middle of her back near her waist. He takes her right hand in his left, hers uppermost, his elbow slightly bent, and holds it on a level with her shoulder or a little lower. . The lady's right arm is almost straight, her left hand is placed on her partner's shoulder or on his arm just below it. If a man hold a girl too tightly, she should drop her hand from his shoulder so as to bring it be- tween her partner and herself. If he does not take this hint, let her stop dancing at once, under some pretext so evident that he may realize her displeasure or disapproval. A letter written by a Parisian lady to her friend in Germany in 1803 says: " Your German valse does not make much headway here, the mamas taking exception to the attitude. So a compromise has been made by giving two ladies to each gentle- man or two gentlemen to the lady, thus preventing the dangerous tte-a-tete and the unseemly arm about the waist ! And mama is reassured." The pauses between dances are filled by conver- sation, promenading, introductions, and making dancing engagements. At public balls Between , ., , the dances a voun g woman should return to her chaperon after every dance. At a pri- vate dance or a subscription ball she has more latitude conceded her. After dancing with her and walking about the rooms a little, offering for her refreshment a glass of lemonade or sitting BALLS AND DANCES awhile to enjoy cooler air than the ball-room can offer (provided the place chosen is not a secluded one or on the stairway), a man may take a girl back to her chaperon and plead another engage- ment. The suggestion, however, comes better from her that he take her to her place near her mother or chaperon, at least as soon as the music strikes up for the next dance. If neither is en- gaged for it and no one comes to ask her to dance, the situation may grow difficult if there is neither mother nor chaperon and a girl is some- time, at a loss to intimate to her partner how he may be rid of her. One bright girl in her first season solved the difficulty by asking her partner if he knew Miss opposite, and suggested that he be presented. This was done. Miss introduced her partner in turn, the four made a new combination, and the situation was saved ! When a girl sees no way to relieve a man of her society, her only course is to conceal all anxiety, make herself as agreeable as possible, or frankly acknowledge the situation and laugh over it with him. If he sees her eyes seeking nervously for some deliverer, he also feels embarrassed, both are ill at ease, and he will avoid her in the future, not because she was forced upon him longer than he wished, but because he associates an uncom- fortable time with her. The position is one in which no young girl should be placed, and is the unacknowledged rea- ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS son why in the dressing-room the girls confide to one another that they are " frightened to death." I would here enter a plea for chaperons which, at any ball given elsewhere than in a private house, should be considered absolutely neces- Chaperon- sar y jf there be no room for them* the AffC hostess should have many assistants, who recognize their responsibility to represent her. A hostess, regardful of proper etiquette, when giving a large ball outside of her own drawing- rooms, invariably invites the mothers of her un- married women guests, leaving it to their discretion whether to be present or not Especially is this attention due to the mothers of the debutantes. The mother should either accompany her daugh- ter, remaining until the time for the cotillion and then leaving her in the charge of the hostess or some friend, or she should delegate the responsi- bility for the girl's pleasure and well-being to some lady whom she can trust. If a girl is ever placed in an unpleasant situation or predicament and she is in the charge of no one in particular, she may and should claim of any older lady pres- ent the conventional privilege of her chaperonage, whether she be an acquaintance or a stranger, ask- ing her escort to leave her at that lady's side, and explaining the situation after his departure. A girl should be attentive to her mother or chaperon, presenting her friends to her whenever possible, and occasionally stopping to say a few 176 BALLS AND DANCES words to her, if only to give the assurance of her own enjoyment. At about twelve o'clock the butler announces supper by opening the dining-room doors, and the hosts or those near at hand take the in- T*Vi * itiative in entering the room, but there supper is little ceremony. The hostess usually accepts no attentions until she is assured that all her guests are being well cared for, unless the supper is served in courses at small tables, when she would invite such guests as she wishes to dis- tinguish to sit with her. There is generally a large table handsomely decorated with flowers and lights, and provided with a variety of refreshments (the details of which we have considered in a preceding chapter) from which the men serve their partners and themselves, assisted by the waiters. If the supper is served at small tables, friends make up parties to sit together and are served as at a dinner. The young people make engagements for supper- partners, as for a dance, sometimes weeks before the event. A woman, of course, never serves her- self to anything at supper, but may ask a waiter for what she wishes if she is partnerless. A young girl who has been overlooked will seek the side of her chaperon, who will accompany her to the sup- per-room, where an observing hostess should see that she is provided with an escort who may be relied upon to insure that the wants of both ladies are satisfied. Lemonade and punch are served, all 12 177 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS through the evening, at a small table presided over by a servant. After supper the cotillion begins, unless that dance gives the title-r61e to the entertainment and guests are invited for it exclusive of *T*Vif cotillion al1 others in which case the supper is served at its close. The cotillion is some- times called the " German " because it was first danced at the German court at Aix-la-Chapelle at a ball given to the allied sovereigns, shortly after the battle of Waterloo. Chairs are ranged against the walls and attached in pairs marked by numbered cards, duplicates of which are given to the masculine guests to indi- cate their places in the dance by the leader of the cotillion, or occasionally they are drawn from a basket presented by some one shortly after the gentlemen's arrival. Exchanges are sometimes made to enable friends to sit together. The invitations should include as nearly as pos- sible an even number of both sexes, but as it is impossible to insure the presence of all, a reserve of young men is most desirable. The success of a cotillion depends chiefly upon the choice of a leader and of the favors, as far as a hostess may control circumstances. To one who knows how to dance, it requires no special knowledge of the art Terpsicho- rean to acquit one's self well at a cotillion, it being but a succession of waltzes, two-steps, marches, and figures which are easily followed, 178 BALLS AND DANCES since each is fully explained and guided by the leader. The partners dance together until the lady indi- cates where she wishes to stop. Each then chooses a new partner, and presents a favor, if provided with one, either by the leader or by the ladies presiding at the tables upon which the favors are arranged. The hostess should select a man thoroughly conversant with the duties and difficulties The of the position to lead her cotillion, leader of a a man of tact, experience, and executive cotllllon ability, and then give him her fullest confidence After having accepted the invitation and the responsibility, he should call promptly upon his hostess, that they may consult together about the figures, favors, etc. He should arrive in good time on the evening of the ball, and have his plan of action clearly and definitely in his mind. He usually dances alone, where he has many persons to manage, but if he elect to have a part- ner, his choice often falls upon his hostess if she is young, or, if not, upon one of her daughters, although etiquette imposes no such obligation. He would place her at his right at the head of the ball-room, and secure her absolution in advance for his enforced neglect of her in the pursuance of his complicated duties. A popular leader tries to choose figures that shall bring many dancers on the floor at a time, 179 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS that people may not grow tired in waiting for their turn. He is absolute dictator. When he claps his hands or blows his whistle, the dancers stop. All wait upon his signals. In the famous picture of "The Hunt Ball" the leader carries a tambourine. He indicates the couples which are to form the figures, saying, " You are up, and you, and you, etc.," and guides them through its mazes, offering his hand to the women, and a touch on the arm of the men if any need special direction. In the favor figures he and his partner if he have one dis- tribute the pretty trifles to the dancers while seated, or direct where and when each set may get them. Partners for the cotillion are often engaged weeks, even months, in advance of the function, for a subscription dance, when it is Cotillion known that j t i s to ta k e pi ace b ut of etiquette course many engagements are made on the evening of the ball. If a man finds no ladies with whom he is acquainted, he should ask his hostess or a friend to present him to one. It is justly resented as selfish to dance " stag " when there are ladies who are without partners. If all are provided for, there is no objection to it, of course. It is unforgivable for a man to forget if he has asked a lady for the cotillion or for supper. He should remind her of it as soon as possible after she enters the room, and be on hand in good time to claim her promise. 180 BALLS AND DANCES He may send a bouquet to his cotillion partner, but it is purely discretionary. She would show her appreciation of the attention by wearing or carrying the flowers. If detained by illness or other cause, a man should send his partner a note of explanation at once, and he shows himself to be familiar with the ways of society if he sends her flowers on the evening of the ball. A woman should be equally considerate in sending word promptly if for any reason she must break her cotillion engagement. If she has not a partner for the cotillion and her hostess does not provide her with one, she usu- ally goes home, as do many of the older people, if the cotillion occupies only the latter part of the evening. All should be absolutely obedient to the signals of the leader. It is unfair to him to " steal dances " or dance out of turn. It complicates his duties, already sufficiently arduous, and is discourteous to one's hosts. At the beginning of each figure all the dancers should be in their places. On the Continent all are regarded as knowing each other, but with us only acquaintances and such persons as have been presented favor one another. A ball-room introduction need not be subsequently recognized unless the lady please. It is not consistent with the attention that is due to one's partner to talk with one's other neighbor, except casually or incidentally. When a man 181 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS favors a girl, he remains with her in the absence of her partner if his own partner is dancing with another until the man returns, when he should yield the seat to him, standing before her only long enough to bring the conversation to a close. His first duty, however, is to his own partner, to whom he should return as soon as she has resumed her seat. When a girl favors a man by holding out to him the token of her preference, he rises at once, attaches the favor to his coat, thanks her, and after dancing takes her to her seat, thanking her again before leaving her. There is occasionally a favor somewhat hand- somer than the rest, called a " souvenir," which is usually exchanged between the partners. With this exception partners do not favor each other. It is usual to recognize the attention of being chosen to receive a favor, by bestowing one during the evening, a man showing himself somewhat more prompt and eager to express his sense of appreciation for the honor than a woman. It is customary to have from three to six favor figures. The pretty trifles are generally artisti- cally arranged upon two tables at the end of the ball-room, those intended for the men upon one, those for the women on the other. They are given out by the patronesses or by the hostess and two or three friends, to those who in turn present them to the persons with whom they wish to dance. 182 BALLS AND DANCES Or, the leader and his partner get the favors and distribute them. At private houses the favors are often sent into the room under competent di- rection, in the order in which they are to be used. They should furnish a series of surprises, the better things following those least desirable. They need not be costly, coveted for themselves and arousing cupidity, but novelty and daintiness should distinguish them, and with ingenuity at command, charming results are often obtained. Favors being evidences of popularity, the larger and gayer they are the more conspicuous the honor. After the cotillion a few remain to dance, taking advantage of the space, and often consider it the pleasantest part of the evening, there Taking being less formality ; and some will leave at a always remain as long as a sip of pleas- bal1 ure may be extracted from the fleeting hours. A ball beginning at ten or eleven o'clock may well satisfy the most eager pleasure-seeker if it last until two or three o'clock A. M. Those who remain late would naturally take leave of the hostess and express in cordial terms the enjoyment that she has given them. In the earlier part of the evening, when her attention is occupied with many guests, it is not necessary to interrupt or disturb her to make one's adieux, un- less, passing near her, she recognizes the intention of departure. If she stands near the entrance to the ball-room, one says a few words of appre- ciative thanks and of compliment on the success 183 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS of her entertainment. To the host one bids a cor- dial good-night, without thanks, if he is readily accessible. If a man has asked the privilege of acting as escort to a young woman and her chaperon, he must leave to them the choice of the time for departure, with no hint of his own wishes. In such case he provides the conveyance to and from the scene of the entertainment. Should a man, for whatever reason, be compelled to leave a ball while yet his dancing engagements are unfulfilled, he must see and explain to each of the ladies the cause of his delinquency, with courteous apologies. A host accompanies the lady with whom he may have been dancing or talking, when she is about to leave, to the hall, sees that her carriage is called, and upon her return from the cloak-room aids her in getting into her carriage, if she is without an escort. Subscription dances are usually very fine affairs, given at some large assembly rooms, furnished with taste and elegance, and are organized b y a number f ladies or gentlemen, who divide the expenses among them- selves. Or, women of social prominence are asked to become patronesses, for which privilege they subscribe a certain sum, usually from fifty to a hundred dollars. This entitles them to a certain number of invitations to be extended to their friends. 184 BALLS AND DANCES At these balls the patronesses stand side by side in line or semi-circle near the entrance of the room, and greet the guests with gracious bows, extending their hands . only to their personal friends or to any one especially distinguished. The guests say a few words to the lady to whom they owe their invitation, make a sweeping bow, inclusive of all the others, and pass on. When the supper is served, a waiter announces it to the patronesses. The senior lady takes the arm of the guest to whom she would show special attention, and the rest follow. They sit together at one table if the supper is served in courses. The " Cinderella " dances were organized that the entertainment might be over before midnight, but among subscription balls the " Assembly " stands easily first. Debutantes are " passed through it " so as to receive its verdict, much as girls in England are presented at court. It is not difficult to obtain an invitation if one is acquainted with a patroness or the friend of one, but unless one belongs to the intimate circle of its patrons, the honor is great but the pleasure small for a young girl, who at the threshold of society has not many acquaintances. Some girls have their carriages wait throughout the evening, so that they may leave when inclined. Needless to say that unmarried women are always accom- panied by their mothers or chaperons. A private ball, an invitation to which only acquaintance with one's hostess entitles one, is 185 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS usually productive of more real pleasure and sim- ple, light-hearted joyousness than can be realized from the gratification of social ambition which is incongruous with youth. When a dance is given at a private house, the preparations differ little from those already con- sidered as necessary at larger balls, except in their greater simplicity. An awning and carpet are at the entrance to the house. A man is stationed to open the doors of carriages, not necessarily in livery, and to say at what hour they may be ordered, giving checks in duplicate to the guests and their coachmen. The servant opening the house door may be man or maid (wearing appropriate livery), who directs the ladies to a dressing-room where two maids are in attendance, and the men to another, where they sometimes find cigars, cigarettes, and effervescent waters. The young girls arrive accompanied by their maids, who leave them in the dressing-room and return to find them there. The drawing-rooms are well lighted and venti- lated, and if the hosts are more anxious to have their guests enjoy themselves than to show how large a circle of acquaintances they have, the rooms will not be over-crowded. When invitations are issued for a dance, there are about ten per cent more men asked than women, and the more the merrier. Let not the self-admir- 186 BALLS AND DANCES ing of the " unfair sex " be too much elated, the object of their presence is the pleasure of the young women; they are but the means to an end ! Linen crash is stretched tightly on the floors, unless they are of hard wood. Other devices have been tried, but Sherry, New York's supreme authority, says that there is nothing else as good. The musicians are screened behind tall plants, unless a piano with a violin or two, harp or 'cello furnish the music. At a house dance the hostess, unable Receiving to leave her place to make introduc- * e , ., i . . guests tions while her guests are arriving, asks one, two or more friends to receive with and assist her. After greeting his hostess and her daughters a man may find his host somewhere near, and should try to speak to him. The late-comers cannot al- ways find him readily, and some, not too well-bred, do not try to do so. A story is told of a man who, coming upon another, unknown to him but who was looking rather bored, said, " Beastly dull, isn't it?" "Yes," assented the other. "Let's go home," said the first speaker; "I'm off!" "I can't," returned the other; "I live here." The guest only met his deserts for criticis- ing any hospitality of which he was the recipient. A young man invited to a house should dance as early as possible with the daughters of his host- ess and pay them every possible attention. 187 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS When supper is announced the music usually being the time-worn march from " Norma " the dining-room doors or portieres are supper thrown open, and the host leads the way with some lady to whom he wishes to show honor. Supper is generally served at a large table, as before described, and may be as elaborate or as simple as the taste or means of the host may dic- tate. Either is in equally good taste; but for a " sit down " supper many small tables, each with its " covers " and decorations, are rolled into and distributed about the rooms when supper is an- nounced. One good waiter can serve two tables with four or six guests at each. At house dances where the rooms are not very extensive and all space is valuable, the older people are not invited, but the hostess and her coadjutors can keep all the guests in sight and see that none are overlooked or neglected. " Dinner dances " are a favorite form of enter- tainment. As many guests are invited for din- ner as can be accommodated at the table inner Q f t j ie h ostess an( j others are asked to dances ... . join them later for an informal dance. A cotillion of twenty or thirty couples is usually a merry informality, and an impromptu dance after a dinner is commonly much enjoyed by very young folk. A simple buffet supper is always served. " Dinner dances " are sometimes very smart affairs. Friends arrange to give them in conjunc- 188 BALLS AND DANCES tion with each other. A dinner of twenty, thirty, or more guests will be given on the same evening at three or four different houses, served at small tables, and at about ten o'clock omnibuses or carriages convey them to the house of another hostess who entertains them with a cotillion and a supper. The idea might be simplified and lose few of its attractions. Nearly all the young girls belong to one or more of the popular " dancing-classes," which are given at some large ball-room, hired for the occasion. A committee * ncin & classes of ladies, usually well known in society, make all arrangements for room, supper, music, and cotillion favors. In their names are issued the invitations, and a rigorous censorship is exercised. To those who accept are sent cards of admission to the different meetings of the class, attached like a sheet of stamps so as to be readily divided, and inscribed with the date and name of guest, which are presented at the entrance on the evening of the dance. Each member pays about fifteen dollars for the season, including six meetings. The patronesses receive the young people and try to insure that all have partners. " Costume balls " are perhaps the most elegant and interesting of society functions. A court minuet often opens such a ball, for . Costume which diligent rehearsal is made by the balls dancers, chosen in advance. A good teacher is required to insure the combined grace ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS and dignity, the management of the train and fan, necessary to that most aristocratic of dances. Some hostesses have discovered that to give a costume ball requires no more effort on their Informal P ai "t than an ordinary dance, while se- costume curing the interest of their guests in far dances g rea ter degree. It has found expres- sion in many informal and amusing frolics. Cos- tumes illustrating titles of books had a season of popularity, and one of the latest expressions of the costume dance is an " Annexation Party." A fun-loving couple, masquerading as Uncle Sam and Columbia, gave a " family party " to enable those who had grown up in the old home in Yan- keedom to welcome their new relations. Porto Rican ladies in lace mantillas coquetted with Western cowboys. One, who looked a modern Minerva representing the city of Boston, looked indulgently through spectacles at a wild Filipino, chiefly arrayed in a brown sweater and feather dusters, with a nose-ring. And Chicago, a fair lady wearing her husband's shoes, kindly initiated a brother from the Ladrones into the mysteries of the two-step, while he flourished a large toy pop- gun. The scene was a merry one, and not an un- smiling face was to be seen. Barn dances are popular in the autumn. The horses are given neighborly hospitality, Barn , ,. . dances an " * ne em pty stalls are turned into bovvers of greenery and made luxurious with rugs and seats covered with Turkey-red 190 BALLS AND DANCES cushions, filled with the aromatic pine balsam. The box-stall is provided with a table, where lemonade and punch are served. To a house-party such a dance made an at- tractive climax after many pleasure-filled days. The walls of a spacious barn were hung with na- ture's own tapestry of leaves and grain and " gar- den graith." A dado of ripe wheat gave effective contrast to masses of maple leaves above, all aglow and ablaze. From the ceiling hung many Japanese lanterns among green branches, whose glowing light was supplemented by candles in tin sconces masked with bunches of bright leaves. The musicians were mounted upon a coach in one cor- ner. The cotillion favors were whips, small silver whistles, sleigh-bells, photograph frames in the form of nickel horseshoes and stirrups, vegetables and fruits cunningly made of silk, while flowers were held in rustic baskets of burs and birch bark. The coach-horn sounded a musical peal to an- nounce the supper, which was served at the house. The dancing concluded with a Virginia reel, as is usual with such informal frolics. 191 Chapter Twelfth CHAPERONS: THEIR USE AND ABUSE [HEN a general distribution of halos t takes place," once said a bright I woman, " the head of the willing and unsung martyr, known as a chaperon, will be found crowned too, I am persuaded, among the world's elect ! " Not many of us will be found worthy to wear one of greater radiance, if cheerfulness, an abso- lute disregard of self, ingenuity in improvising pleasures in which she takes but an observer's part, and an unwearied amiability that keeps her sweet, smiling, and wakeful until her young charge has had her fill of pleasure, be any qualification for such a reward. The post is no sinecure, and its duties are often a thankless, unenviable task. Of course the natural chaperon of a girl is her own mother, whose interest in all that in any way concerns her child makes the position an easy one and all her labor of love ; but one whose presence is imposed to "play propriety" where no such necessity is recognized, naturally feels the em- barrassment of being unwelcome. It is therefore but fair that her position should be understood and defined. 192 CHAPERONS: THEIR USE AND ABUSE In Europe, and in those parts of America which have felt the influence of old-world customs, the first demand of polished society is that The need young girls shall be properly chaper- of oned. It is considered one of the ele- cha P eron s gances of life, one of the graces of the best society, and an evidence of the tender respect with which young womanhood is regarded ; such a formality being held to safeguard it from all chance of evil or the appearance of it. ;~The worloPEas' grown too small, through the closer intercourse of its civilized peoples, for any to escape its inherited traditions and prejudices. Time was when we were so provincial and inconspicuous that we could make our own social laws, and we were proud of the freedom that could exist between our young women and their men acquaintances, and protested against the duenna system as a reflection upon their trustworthiness. Strong in their innate sense of propriety, their moral dignity, discretion, and modesty, the girls felt quite competent to take care of themselves, and the young men resented the suggestion of a I chaperon as an insult to their honor. From their L ^ mental attitude, their self-respecting standpoint, and the customs of their environment, they were justified, and there are not wanting many yet, to hold these opinions. To such I would say that chaperonage is a rep- resentative thing. It typifies the sheltering care, the jealous protection, of something very precious. '3 193 ~if r. ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS It sets a higher value upon the object by pro- What a tecting and hedging it round in the chaperon eyes of others, and particularly in those stands for o f y Oun g men who are apt to sigh for the fruit that hangs highest.j The value There is no doubt, also, that the pres- of a ence of a chaperon greatly improves the chaperon manners o f the young people. There are girls who are inherently well bred, but who, having the natural, instinctive desire to please, sometimes fear to be considered prim, proper, and " goody-goody," if they do not join in the pranks and imitate the manners of those who seem to be over-much at their ease in young men's society. To such the presence of a chaperon is never an unwelcome restraint. A loud laugh, familiar manners, unrestrained attitudes, are not attractive ; and in the freedom of the club men discuss these matters, and those who fancy that such recommend them are held cheap. / r ^**ftT _,. 7 A vivacious girl, with the high spirits of youth and its ignorance of the world and its ways, has sometimes been misunderstood and placed in a false position, which the presence of a chaperon 1 jvould have averted. Many a girl would give the world to efface mem- ories of indiscretions of conduct that bring a blush when recalled. Motherless and brotherless girls are especially in danger of miseflCj}lion. The often rough criticism of other girls heard from a 194 CHAPERONS: THEIR USE AND ABUSE brother is a lesson in manners that usually makes an impression. If a chaperon is what she should be, her pres- ence will not wet-blanket the merriment and spon- taneity, but merely tone down the excessive exuberance; the girls will not be less winsome but less giddy, with manners high bred, not con- spicuous. " What are the moments in life most likely to be remembered? " asked one clever woman of an- other. " Those in which we forgot ourselves ! " was the answer, given with a sigh. A girl is sometimes glad to intrench herself be- hind the bulwarks that society has reared about her, to defend herself from unwelcome devotion or attentions. A chaperon should be an example to her young charges in the conventions, and all social questions should be referred to her. She should therefore be emphatically a gentle- The P roper chaperon woman, knowing the usages of polite society; her reputation, of course, above question. A European father who had lost his wife would never place a young unmarried daughter at the head of his house without a resident chaperon, and the impropriety of doing so is now acknowl- edged with us. There are not wanting, in this country of financial ups and downs, ladies who are qualified in every way for such a position. She should be treated by every one in the household as though she were the 195 social equal and entitled to the same deference as the lady of the house whom she represents. Then, and only then, can she do justice to the position and give to the young girl what she needs. The chaperon should endeavor to see that hos- pitable doors are open to her charge, that well- bred and agreeable young men are Her duties , , . . . , presented to her, and it is her responsi- bility that the girl reciprocates the attentions that she receives in a manner befitting her position. Much tact is necessary not to draw the rein too tightly. A leading-strap would be the better fig- ure; that leaves the young subject free, but checks readily when it is necessary. A chaperon must be careful never to antagonize her charge or appear to watch her. She should respect the privacy of her letters, and never take the oppor- tunity to rebuke or condemn when a confidence is given. Indeed her only chance of success is to win the girl's real respect and affection, and then encourage confidence in order to be able to act for her good and advantage and never from personal motives or curiosity. It is her duty, however, to reprove her charge if she is careless in her de- meanor with young men. All invitations to men should be given in the name of the mother or chaperon. In travelling through Europe young girls may go almost anywhere under proper chaperonage, to theatres, operas, studios, and into society. Only when intrenched within the dignified position of a 196 CHAPERONS: THEIR USE AND ABUSE worker, can a young woman dispense with the demand of etiquette for a chaperon. A young man regardful of the proprieties never asks a girl to accompany him to any place of amusement without either extending the invitation to her mother or chaperon, or asking some mar- ried woman of suitable age and position to accom- pany them. Under exceptional circumstances a young brother has sometimes been allowed to fill the position of duenna, probably because of a boy's well-known reputation of allowing nothing to escape his obser- vation, arid reticence not being a conspicuous characteristic. A theatre-party of young persons unchaperoned would be considered as quite beyond the pale of good society in New York. The host calls first for the chaperon before going for the young woman, unless it is ar- house. At a supper after the theatre of the he seats that lady first, and treats her as chaperon the guest of honor. An entertainment at a man's bachelor apart- ments, at the annex of his club, or at a restaurant of reputation, may be enjoyed by young girls properly chaperoned. One of his own married kinswomen would give much dignity to the gayety. When a lady is invited to be chaperon for a special occasion, a carriage is always sent to take 197 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS her to the place appointed, if the host does not call for her, and returns to take her home. A chaperon should endeavor to make herself so agreeable that her society will not be more of a penance to the young man who falls to An her lot than she can help. She need chaperon not " ta ^ down " to him, and in her conversation she should remember that the young do not enjoy grave subjects when mer- riment has been the object of their meeting. Neither should she try to place herself on his level and assume airs of juvenility. She will only appear ridiculous to the keen young eyes that will merci- lessly judge her. There are many subjects upon which young and old may meet upon common ground and talk with naturalness and enthusiasm, books, music, art, the play, charming people, authors, artists, lecturers, travel, amateur photog- raphy, bicycling, golf, tennis, botanizing, minds and souls have no age. When young girls are asked to be guests un- Chaperon- accompanied by an older woman, the age at hostess assumes the office and respon- dances s jbiij t y o f chaperon at house parties, dances, etc. At a ball the chaperon enters the room with her charge at her left, and steps slightly in advance of her to greet their hostess. She takes her seat in the row of seats against the wall, and her pro- tegee sits in front of her. In Europe at all large balls the walls of the room are lined with red velvet 198 CHAPERONS: THEIR USE AND ABUSE sofas whereon the chaperons are seated, often on a raised dais, with their young people upon chairs at their feet. The elder women, dressed with elegance and wearing many jewels, make an effective back- ground for the costumes of their charges, whose youth and freshness are the more emphasized by contrast. The chaperon should dress as unlike the young girls as possible, for her the velvets, stiff bro- cades, and toilets suggesting richness, even sump- tuousness ; for them diaphanous draperies and artistic simplicity. No language can be too severe, too scathing, to condemn the woman whose attire is lacking in modesty ; but never is it so blame- worthy as when she is in charge of young and innocent girls. The chaperon should endeavor to see that her protegee is provided with a partner for the cotil- lion, using the advantages of her position, her acquaintance, or the feeling of indebtedness to- wards her, for the benefit of her charge. Always to be found in the same place, the young girl may go to her between dances, and so be re- lieved of the dreaded feeling that she is imposed upon a man longer than she is welcome. A young chaperon should not dance while her charge is unprovided with a partner. Many think that a chaperon should Special be possessed of what they call the " so- l uallfica - * tions cial talent," knowing how to bar all approaches towards a girl's acquaintance from the 199 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS ranks of the undesirables as well as the objection- ables, and beguiling the eligibles into an agreeable atmosphere of congeniality and intimacy that " steals upon them ere they are aware." "The first is indubitably an important qualifi- cation; the last requires tact, sensitiveness, and innate good breeding, lest the young subject of her management be compromised in the very least. Society requires a certain amount of manipula- tion and clever handling, it is said, except by those who are born within its penetralia, but one would not " stoop to conquer." It is quite legitimate, however, and consistent with the dignity of the older woman as well as the younger that some acquaintanceships should be averted and others fostered. Especially at summer hotels eternal vigilance should not be relaxed. Injudicious picnics, long walks, with opportunities for t6te-a-t6tes, ex- cursions of all kinds, make the responsibility of chaperonage sometimes an onerous one. The " abuse " of the chaperon conveys a " double entente." With one acceptation of the word we are all familiar, but it has another signification. A woman who makes the position an excuse for Injudicious going into gay society for her own chaperon- amusement or advancement is an unfit person with whom to trust a young and inexperienced girl. 200 CHAPERONS: THEIR USE AND ABUSE A pleasant manner, magnetic, gracious, is a desirable endowment or acquisition, but self should always be secondary to the interest and pleasure of the young people. There are those, however, who put forth efforts to attract admiration or attention to themselves. Such chaperonage is an injustice to. the girl. If a chaperon be not old enough to be the mother of her charge, she should at least have such dignity of character as to suggest maturity, and so leave no doubt of the conventions being satisfied. It is bad form to send several gay girls to a ball with a very young chaperon, perhaps one of their own number who has just been married. Such matronizing is a farce, a burlesque, and no real chaperonage at all. Upon coaching-parties to races, football matches, visits to country clubs, picnics, studio teas, boat- ing-parties, or any festivity where merriment and gay spirits may tempt the overstepping of the bounds of strictly good breeding, the matron of the party should be carefully chosen. I have seen chaperons who needed chaperoning more than the young people in their charge. All the obligation is not on the one side, how- ever. It is always an evidence of refined breeding as well as kindness of heart that a girl should show her chaperon at a ball or elsewhere that she is not unmindful of her presence. She should present ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS to her the young men whom she meets, if they are standing near, and it is always a compliment A irl's to a man to ^ e brought to the mother attentions or chaperon for a special introduction. to her She should reciprocate the interest of 1 the chaperon in her pleasures by show- ing some solicitude for the comfort and enjoyment of that lady, noticing whether or not she has some one to talk with, and with her better opportunities of seeing the room, may manage to insure that she be more agreeably seated. If she be overlooked at supper, the girl may ask her own partner to provide for her, and if he is a gentleman, he will think the better of her for her thoughtful considerateness and perform the little service with readiness. The chaperon is sometimes a young mother, feeling scarcely older than her daughter but obliged to take a permanent seat against the wall, while her own feet tingle with the desire to do as her daughter is doing. A girl may associate her mother in her pleas- ures and enlist her interest by being a little confi- dential about what she hears and the people whom she meets, sure at least of a discreet confidante. Little attentions are never more appreciated than when shown by a girl to her mother or chap- eron in public, such as being careful to give that lady precedence, anticipating her wishes in trifling acts, watchful about draughts or discomfort in any form, not after the patronizing manner that I have sometimes seen, of looking after some incom- 202 CHAPERONS: THEIR USE AND ABUSE petent too old or too stupid to care for herself, but with loving considerateness and gentle deference. This is the manner inculcated in European girls, and in this land of assertive democratic opinions we are in danger of losing some of the graces that come of a reverent attitude towards those whose superiority in any form we acknowledge. In all relations enjoyment is enchanced by reciprocity. " Happiness was born a twin ! " 203 Chapter Thirteenth ENGAGEMENTS MAN once wrote to a leading jour- nal, asking naively, " If the wed- ding day is fixed for next month, when should the father's consent be asked?" He neglected to ask whether or not the bride's parents should be invited to the wedding ! It is a point of etiquette upon which parents and young persons are at variance, whether a man should first ask the consent of the girl whom he desires to marry, or that of her parents to win her if he can. In Europe the decision would side with the parents, but in America a man's permission to win the woman of his choice is usually taken entirely for granted. M. de Varigny, in his very flattering book on " Woman in the United States," dates the " suprem- acy " of the sex from the moment when, in colo- nial New England, a woman was conceded the right to dispose of her own hand in marriage. Women in those days had not demonstrated the " survival of the fittest " by being in the majority ! Wives were a scarce commodity then, and " the right one " always is, so the prerogative has never been abrogated. 204 ENGAGEMENTS The young man, however, who regards the con- sent of a girl's parents to her marriage as unim- portant, and belittles their authority, Asking the is not one to whom she is altogether consent of wise in intrusting her happiness, nor is the P arents the daughter who would wholly ignore their dis- approval likely to make an ideal wife. When two young persons have made the dis- covery that their supreme happiness depends upon each other, a manly man will take the first oppor- tunity to acquaint the girl's father with his hopes, and, making a full and frank statement of his affairs and prospects, formally ask his consent to their marriage. If refused, patience and good conduct will usually win over the most obdurate parent. The announcement of an engagement should come first from the family of the young woman, either verbally and informally or by note Announc- to those whom they desire shall receive ing a early information of the event. The betrothal young couple write personal notes to their respec- tive relatives and near friends, who pass on the pleasant news to the world at large. The notes often mention one or more afternoons when the young lady will be at home to receive her friends informally with her mother. The prospective groom's relatives and friends take this opportunity of making her acquaintance. She wears a pretty, high-necked gown ; tea, sandwiches, and cakes are served, and the affair is usually a very charming, merry little entertainment 205 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS The reception of the fiancee by the family of her future husband should be warm and cordial, and she on her part must put forth all her powers of pleasing and conciliation to every member of it. Where first impressions are agreeable, they impose certain pleasant obligations upon those who inspire them to continue to live up to them. At news of a betrothal, friends hasten to extend invitations for dinners, theatre-parties, and other Attentions festivities to the happy pair, and the two and families interested interchange hospi- congratu- talities, that of the young man taking the lations initiative. It is the present fashion for intimate friends to send to a girl, at news of her engagement, presents in the form of teacups. A cup of tea is popularly supposed to be one of the consolations of spinster- hood. A teacup would therefore be an invidious gift until after the engagement, when its signifi- cance would cease to wound ! Such was the ex- planation of the custom given by one young girl, " se non 6 vero, ben trovato ! " The engaged man is congratulated but one wishes the woman all happiness since the implied success, crowning pursuit and effort, is more prop- erly ascribed to the man. The word " felicitation," used by the French under such circumstances, would cover all the ground. It is a pity that the first flush of happiness should be marred by the knowledge that one is the object of scrutiny and comment. The girls ask, " Does 206 ENGAGEMENTS she seem happy? " " Is he much in love? " and the men in careless but pithy phrases pronounce judg- ment according to their light. The Accepting newly engaged, subjected to this fire of congratu- curiosity and criticism, must carefully latlons guard their behavior in public. It is quite pos- sible for a girl to be very happy without making an exhibition of her bliss to every chance per- son who refers to her engagement. A man some- times, in receiving congratulations, attempts to cover his natural embarrassment by a would-be facetiousness that is in wretched taste. A warm hand-clasp, an earnest " Thank you " suffice for acknowledgment. The ring is given when the engagement is an- nounced, or at least it is then openly worn, its choice depending upon the taste or ~ i . The ring means of the giver, rasnion dictates a solitaire diamond or that stone in combination with another gem. An inscription within its circle should add much to its value. The lovers are seen often together in public, as they are not supposed to care for gayety apart from each other. They should not , , , . 1.1- Behavior make themselves conspicuous by their - n blic mutual devotion. A clever man, criti- icising a recent novel in which the love-scenes were very impassioned, remarked that " the reader feels himself ' de trop ' ! " It describes the sen- sation of others when lovers in their presence are too conscious of one another. 207 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS On the other hand, neglect, indifference, or a too evident interest in another, is the unpardon- able sin in an engaged man or woman. It is " lese majeste " to love, and the traitors are visited with the universal reprobation that they deserve. The French say, " II y a toujours un qui aime, et un qui se laisse aimer," but it must not be apparent. It is usual for the lovers to spend their even- ings together, but when the engagement promises to be a long one, the girl's parents often, wisely, premise that two or three evenings in the week shall suffice. " Short commons " have usually the effect of adding zest to a pleasure. There is much difference of opinion about long and short engagements, and short Many persons prefer not to announce engage- their engagement until there is a pros- ments pect of the marriage taking place within a year, since fashion prescribes not more than that interval; but Fashion is a meddler in what concerns her not, and should be severely snubbed if she urges any claim to a hearing in matters of real importance. Those who advocate short engagements quote the old saw, " Happy the wooing that 's not long a-doing," and usually, failing real argument, fall back on predilection and prejudice. Surely, if there are unpleasant revelations of character to be made, wiser is it to make their discovery while withdrawal from the bond is yet possible. 208 ENGAGEMENTS The period of engagement is a time of test, and where financial considerations only impose delay, it is often very evident that the waiting time has not been wasted time. The sense of responsibility, the working and planning for the new home to- gether, and the self-denial it entails, deepen and develop the lover's manliest qualities; the girl learns with ardor and practical interest the house- wifely arts and small economies, felt to be burden- some before ; while in the desire to be all that they seem to each other, love works its most gra- cious miracles. The chief objections to long engagements are experienced by the young woman's family. The selfish absorption of the lovers in each The fian other, the ignoring of all other claims arouses jealousy and resentment, and plants the seeds of dislike. The lover must remember that he is a new claimant for what has hitherto belonged exclusively to others, and that even yet their rights take precedence. His conduct should show his recognition of this fact, and his welcome will be the more cordial if he is not too lavish of his society. The unpopularity of the son-in-law often origi- nates with the lover. Politeness lies deeply under the surface ; the heart must be well bred, or it be- trays itself. Meantime the daughter, sister, fiancee The fiancee has before her a greater problem than Solomon's with the babies, for she must divide herself so wisely as to make each of her joint- 14 209 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS proprietors believe that he or she has the " larger half"! She must be wise and tactful not to arouse jealousy, rivals are seldom friends, and in her relations with her lover let her remember that nothing so whets appreciation of anything as not to have all that we want. A young woman who was criticised for prolong- ing her engagement laughingly replied : " Oh, I know when I am well off. I have always noticed that before marriage the man is all eagerness to please the woman, but when they are mar- ried, presto ! all is changed, and the anxiety is transferred ! " An Italian woman once pathetically remarked : " Bee-fore 'e marry weeth-a-me, 'e want kees-a- ground where I walk. After, 'e treat-a-me like-a- was hees donkey ! " She was a believer in long engagements. Engaged couples might be interested to learn that young persons in their condition in early colonial times were reduced to the Engage- ments in necessity of using a " courting-stick," colonial which was a hollow tube, eight feet long, through which lovers, in the presence of the assembled family, could whisper tender messages, unheard by the rest, the telephone's earliest development. One is still preserved at Long Meadow, Massachusetts. An engaged girl should accept from her lover only such gifts, beyond the usual flowers and 210 ENGAGEMENTS bonbons, as might be returned uninjured should the engagement be broken, since such urn Gifts calamity sometimes befalls. A chaperon is still demanded by convention. Nothing is worse form than for an engaged couple to travel together or to go alone to the theatre in the evening, though they may drive in an open carriage, unchap- eroned. So says Madam Grundy, who, however, sometimes admits exceptional and extenuating circumstances. 211 Chapter Fourteenth WEDDING PREPARATIONS AND PRELIMINARIES >IFE is set to a merry tune during the weeks preceding a wedding to those who are to take the leading r61es, provided always that their hearts are making melody, since love is the key-note that unlocks the music. All the world turns a smiling face. Family and friends enter into loving conspiracy to make the time a happy one. The home-faces were never so tender, and love's idealizing faculty persuades the young couple that each has won the gem of human kind and paints the future one prolonged honeymoon. It is no wonder that girls look forward and women look back to these halcyon days. A wedding may be either formal or simple. Both are equally honorable, and the observance of the etiquette that is sanctioned by custom or pre- scribed by fashion is altogether optional. A church wedding is the one most in favor with those having a large circle of friends. The conse- crated edifice seems, to some, to hallow the rite ; others, believing that God is everywhere present, feel that the atmosphere of home is fraught with special blessing and prefer a house wedding. 212 WEDDING PREPARATIONS The former stately ceremonial is the typical, fashionable wedding of to-day, and as such, we will consider the preparations and preliminaries usually observed, in the order in which they would claim attention. All the expenses of a wedding are as- Wedding sumed by the bride's family, cards, ex P ense s carriages for the bridal party, floral decorations at house and church, music, sexton's services everything. The bridegroom's first privilege is to pay the clergyman's fee when the bride has become his wife. Occasionally he pays the organist and the sexton, thereby asserting independence of conven- tional etiquette. A well-known writer says that in early and savage times a man carried off his bride by force, and there still lingers some faint trace of the idea that the groom is a sort of " friendly enemy " who comes to rob a loving and jealous family of a cher- ished object, and may therefore assume no privi-. leges of ownership. In England the only carriage furnished by the groom at his wedding is the one in which he drives his wife away to spend the honeymoon. In this country the same rule gen- erally prevails. It is the bride's prerogative to name the wed- ding day. When this has been decided upon careful lists are made of the entire acquaintance of both families, that none may be overlooked in the invitations, which should be ordered at 213 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS least a month in advance of the time for their sending. Sometimes, for economy's sake, instead of having the invitations directed at the engraver's or in- trusted to other agency, the bride-elect makes the addressing of them an occasion for a pleasant gathering of her intimate friends, who all take part. June strews the pathway of every bride with The time roses anc ^ scatters sunshine so lavishly for the that it is no wonder that the flowery wedding month has always been thought propi- tious for weddings. There has long been a foolish prejudice against marrying in May, but all such superstitions are fast disappearing, our heaven has a Father in it. October's golden days make that month a favorite for weddings. The most fashionable hour for the ceremony is " high noon," according to English precedent, but any reasonable hour of the twenty-four may be selected. The time between three and five o'clock of the afternoon offers the advantages of more leisure for preparation, the greater convenience for the attendance of the guests, and a more easily conducted entertainment after the rite. The English custom of appointing the hour of noon for weddings has a lamentable origin. At the time of its institution the early hour insured the sobriety of the bridegroom ; later in the day he might not be responsible for his promises ! Church, clergyman, all the details of the wed- ding are left to the choice of the bride. 214 WEDDING PREPARATIONS It is the present fashion to have from four to eight bridesmaids, as many ushers, a maid of honor, a best man, and sometimes one choosing or two little girls young enough to be the unconsciously graceful who carry bas- attendants kets of flowers and scatter blossoms in the bride's pathway as they precede her up the aisle. The prospective bride selects her bridesmaids from among her intimate girl friends and relatives, and usually includes one or more sisters of the bride- groom. The maid of honor is always a sister of the bride or her dearest friend, as the best man is either the bridegroom's own brother or the friend of his heart. The ushers are chosen from among the close friends of both. The invitation may be given either by note or verbally without formality, and should never be refused without excellent reason. About a week before the marriage the bride- elect gives a dinner to her bridesmaids, The at which sometimes the groom, best brides - man, and ushers are present, but oftener ^ ner the function is sacred to girlhood. Anything is welcomed that promotes fun and frolic, and all the innocent old superstitions are revived. A huge cake is brought in with the ices at the close of the feast, containing a ring, coin, and thimble, the chance recipients of which are supposed to be destined by fortune for marriage, wealth, or single blessedness. The decorations of the table are usually pink, suggestive of rosy 215 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS visions of the future, the favorite flowers brides- maid's roses with maidenhair fern. Many substi- tute a luncheon for a dinner. The young woman takes this opportunity to present her souvenirs to her bridesmaids. These are generally small pieces of jewelry, fans, or some pretty trifles, to be worn at the wedding. They should all be alike. These mementoes sometimes tax resources already sufficiently strained, and one young woman with more talent than money painted her own interlaced initials upon small pink gauze fans, the letters formed of tiny roses. They were worn by the bridesmaids suspended at the side by pink satin ribbons. In earlier and simpler times in our country the young girls, in anticipation of their marriage and consequent housekeeping interests, would convene their mates to a " quilting-party," where tongues and ringers vied in nimbleness. It was thought that the young woman who set the last stitch would be the first bride, but if one happened to drop spool, scissors, or thimble, her chances of marriage were lost for that year. In our times the young women do not have all the fun. The expectant groom gives a bachelor or " stag " dinner to his best man, ushers, bride- an ^ intimate friends, the week before groom's his wedding, usually in a private room bachelor j n some restaurant of reputation, or at his home or club. Those who are to take part in the wedding ceremonial find with 216 WEDDING PREPARATIONS their " buttonholes " souvenirs from their host, generally in the form of scarf-pins. The occasion is always a merry one. A feature of the entertainment is the drinking of the bride's health, all standing, after which each man breaks his glass, that it may never be put to a less honorable use. Economical considerations gener- ally prevail in the provision of the glassware for this toast. One does not advocate a custom be- cause one chronicles it. In a place and company where the bride's name has been so prominently honored, the one to whom it is dear should see that merriment does not de- generate into anything that would shock or wound her, were she present in the flesh. The traditional attire for a bride is a white satin gown of rich quality or silk, if preferred the skirt plain, with gracefully sweeping train, and the waist high-necked and . , ~* bridal dress with long sleeves or made with a lace or chiffon guimpe. It is trimmed with lace and orange-blossoms simply or elaborately, according to the taste or means of the wearer, and the veil of tulle or rich lace is held in place by a wreath or spray of orange blossoms. A wealthy bride is privileged to wear a tiara for the first time on her wedding day, it not being a jewel appropriate to girlhood. Diamond stars of graduated sizes, made detachable for wearing in other ways, is the favorite form of the diadem. Natural orange blossoms may be had at any 217 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS season of the year, if they are ordered of a florist two or three months in advance of the wedding, according to the season. The bride always wears the bridegroom's gift. An old saw prescribes that she also wear " Something old and something new, Something borrowed, and something blue." The " blue ribbon of the garter " generally satisfies the latter requirement. The bride sometimes wears her veil over her face as she goes up the aisle, but returning it is thrown back, showing her happy face to the world. A tulle veil is not cut until after it is arranged upon the head, as it should reach quite to the edge of the train. The veil may be so arranged that the piece that covers the face is pinned across the hair and falls to the waist. This can be removed after the ceremony by the maid of honor and carried on her arm out of the church. It is difficult to throw it back gracefully. If the bodice is not made with a guimpe, an extra waist, low-necked, is often ordered to be worn later at dinners. The dress- makers usually include a "parure" of white roses with the wedding gown, to replace the orange blossoms when it is worn after the marriage. At an evening wedding she would wear a decollete gown. Fashion now dictates white Suede gloves. The left one is removed when the ring is given and is not resumed. Some brides wear no gloves, the hand-clasp during the ceremony seeming to have more sincerity without them. 218 WEDDING PREPARATIONS The bride's bouquet, the gift of the bridegroom, is usually of orange blossoms or " bride " roses with lilies of the valley or white orchids a shower of blossoms tumbling from it the effect produced by graduated loops of narrow ribbons, upon which at intervals flowers are fastened. A white prayer-book sometimes replaces the bouquet, which the bride gives to the clergyman, and from which he reads the service. This book often contains blank pages for the signatures of the clergyman and bridal party. Some girlish brides have preferred to wear white organdie gowns, very sheer and fine, trimmed with a simple Valenciennes lace and sashes of white satin ribbon. Such a gown with a tulle veil and a few natural flowers in the hair and at the belt, makes a costume that in its sweet simplicity leaves a picture in the mind that one would not willingly forget for the more elaborate " millinery " of one of Worth's creations. The attendants of a bride dressed in this dainty way may wear pink flower- strewn organdies, with leghorn hats wreathed with roses or other flowers. All the gowns should have trains. A girl who can have but two or three new frocks would show wisdom in being married in travelling dress, and many prefer it, though sentiment holds dear a real wedding gown. If the bride wear travelling costume, hat and gloves are necessary. She does not carry a bouquet, nor does she have bridesmaids. The costume 219 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS should be of cloth or some other material suitable for travelling. A widow never wears white, nor a veil, nor orange blossoms, but pearl gray or some light O f a silk, cloth, or velvet, if not travelling cos- widow- tume. In either case she wears a bonnet, bnde but may, at a house wedding, leave it off if she please. The bridegroom, at a noon or afternoon wed- ding, wears a frock coat, white duck or piqud The bride- double-breasted waistcoat or one groom's matching the coat, trousers of dark dress striped material, patent-leather shoes, gloves and silk Ascot tie of white or pearl gray, and a large boutonniere of gardenias, pinks, or other small white flowers. At a wedding celebrated after six o'clock P. M. he wears full evening dress, " swallow-tail " coat, low-cut waistcoat and trousers of fine worsted, or the waistcoat of duck or pique double-breasted and cut so as to display a large expanse of well- laundered shirt front. The tie of lawn immaculate and freshly tied, standing collar, white gloves, a silk hat, and patent-leather shoes complete the costume. Should the bride wear travelling dress at an evening wedding, under stress of circum- stances, he would wear a Prince Albert coat, striped trousers, etc., as at an afternoon ceremo- nial, or a cut-away coat and waistcoat of vicuna, gray trousers, a colored tie, and tan kid, gray suede, or no gloves. 220 WEDDING PREPARATIONS This last attire would be appropriate for an early morning wedding, necessitated by the sail- ing of a steamer or a long railway journey, as sometimes happens. With informal dress, the shoes worn would not be of patent leather, but the soles should be blacked, as the wearer, in kneeling, exposes them to view. One unfortunate, having lodged at a hotel on the night before his wedding, revealed to the assembled audience, as he knelt at the altar, the soles of his boots, upon which was a large chalk mark indicating the number of his room ! The bride decides what the bridesmaids' gowns shall be and where they shall be made. As these are paid for by the young women The brides- themselves, except in the case of maid's very wealthy and generous brides, it attire is considerate for that young woman to choose colors, models, and materials that may be useful to the wearers after the occasion has passed for which the costumes are designed. To secure uniformity, as well as in the interest of economy, the same dressmaker generally makes them all, the price being agreed upon with the bride. Bridesmaids, as a rule, wear light gowns, each couple, generally all, in the same color, contrast- ing prettily with that of the bride. They carry large bouquets of flowers that correspond in shade with their costumes. 221 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS The maid of honor wears a gown of a different color from that of the bridesmaids, not infrequently combining the shade of theirs with the white of the bridal attire. It is always distinguished from the rest by a somewhat greater elegance. A matron of honor may replace the maid, should the favorite sister or friend of the bride be a mar- ried woman. All wear hats and gloves. St. Paul is respon- sible for the fashion forbidding a woman to enter a church with uncovered head, for in his time and country no modest woman would be seen in public without a veil or head-covering. It some- times, happens when a much beloved friend whom the bride desires to include among her brides- maids is wearing mourning, that it is discarded merely for the occasion, a marriage being a religious rite and not a social function. The best man and ushers dress as nearly as possible like the groom, wearing large bouton- The dress m ^ res sent them by the bride, and the of the best gloves and tie provided by the bride- man and groom, as well as the sleeve-links, ushers scar f_pi n> or whatever his gift may have been. Should the ushers' attire differ from that of the groom in trifling particulars, these gentlemen should agree to dress as nearly alike as they may. Their hats are cared for by the sexton's as- sistant at the church, and given to them in the vestibule as they leave the building. 222 WEDDING PREPARATIONS The bride's mother wears visiting or reception costume of an elegance suited to her means and station, and her young sisters, pretty The attire high-necked frocks with picturesque of the hats. No mourning garb is permis- bride's sible among the wedding party. The bride's widowed mother would lay hers aside, to resume it after the wedding. Pale gray, mauve, or black and white in combination are the colors generally chosen. The bridegroom's duties before the wedding are to call upon the clergyman to bespeak his ser- vices and secure the marriage license. The duties At a fashionable wedding last spring and the bridegroom overlooked this matter expenses and the clergyman inquired if he had of the the license as the bridal procession was coming up the aisle. The minister would not or could not perform the ceremony without it, and the bride and her guests waited two hours while the bridegroom and his best man went in search of the legal document ! The bridegroom has, properly, no expenses at his wedding but the ring, the clergyman's fee, the carriages sent to convey the ushers to and from the church, the one in which he and his best man drive to the church and which takes the latter to the bride's house after the ceremony, and finally the carriage in which he drives with his wife from her late home after the reception, en route for the place of their honeymoon. He 223 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS conforms to custom, however, when, besides his gift to the bride, he provides her bouquet and those of the bridesmaids, and souvenirs for his best man and ushers. He also furnishes the gloves and ties worn by these gentlemen at the wedding. The best man makes the necessary inquiries about the sizes of the gloves, and attends to the commission or directs some men's furnishing firm to do so and supply the requirement. The articles are sent to the men's houses, or done up in boxes tied with white ribbons and placed at their covers at the farewell bachelor dinner. If the best man come as a stranger to the place, especially to give his services, the bridegroom often fills the place of his host, and if both are to travel together to some distant place for the wedding, the groom would pay the travelling expenses, if permitted to do so. The amount of the clergyman's fee is entirely a matter of option with the bridegroom, after consultation with his pocket. The poorest would not give less than five dollars, and the wealthiest rarely more than a hundred. The money or check is placed in an envelope and entrusted to the best man. If more than one clergyman officiates at the ceremony, each should receive a recognition of his services. In the case where a near relative assists in tying the knot, a gift would replace the fee. 224 "WEDDING PREPARATIONS Before the wedding cards are issued, the church should be engaged and the sexton instructed to arrange for the awning, carpet, etc., pre and for men to be at the door of the tions for a canvas-covered passage to keep it free church from the idlers who throng out of weddin & curiosity, to open the carriage doors (giving checks to identify the vehicles), and to receive from the guests the presentation cards before they enter the church. The white ribbon, to be stretched across or along the aisle, and the cush- ions for the bridal pair to kneel upon, must be provided. The organist should be advised of what selec- tions to play, and the florists instructed about the decorations of church and house. Carriages are to be engaged for the bridal party and for the members of the bride's family. Those belonging to that of the bridegroom assume their own obligations. At a country wedding carriages meet all the guests upon the arrival of the train conveying them from town. All who are invited to take part in the wedding ceremonial send presents to the bride. Occa- sionally the best man makes his gift to the bridegroom, where some personal taste of his may be especially gratified, bridal but something that both may use and attendants appreciate is the better choice. All should endeavor to be present at the re- hearsal, and sink all personal preferences and 15 225 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS considerations in furthering the wishes of the bride. The best man, as before stated, attends to the groom's commission for the gloves and neckties of his attendants. He is that gentleman's repre- sentative, and makes himself generally useful whenever the occasion offers ; but his chief duties, like those of the maid of honor, ushers, and brides- maids, do not begin until the wedding day arrives. Presents are sent at any time after it is known that the date has been fixed for the wedding, but the receipt of the invitations is the *Tp general signal for their offering. They bridal gifts & J should be marked with the initials of the bride's maiden name, and are generally sent from the shop where they are bought, with the giver's card, upon which a few congratulatory words may be written or not, as one please. It is by no means obligatory for all invited guests to send presents. Such a custom would be merely a social tax. Persons of any delicacy would deprecate duty-presents, and would justly hesitate to send invitations, if they represented a covert demand for gifts. To those asked to the church ceremony only, there rests no obligation, though they are privi- leged to send a small gift if they please. Occa- sionally they send a bouquet to the bride on the wedding morning with a card of congratulation. No one should be deterred from sending a simple gift, because it does not represent money 226 WEDDING PREPARATIONS value. Some small convenience that will often be a reminder of the giver fulfils the best mission of a gift, and such as owe their value to the per- sonal industry of a friend should be especially appreciated. The fact of being in mourning or travelling abroad does not exempt one from the courteous obligation of sending a small remembrance, if one would be present at the wedding under other circumstances. There are always some foolishly chosen gifts and probably several duplicates, but, without the suggestion or permission of the giver, it is incon- siderate to exchange them, subordinating senti- ment to a most mercenary spirit. A bride of last summer is known to have taken many of her presents to the silversmith's where they were made, and, asking credit for their value, proceeded to select whatever took her fancy. Probably the most welcome gift takes the form of a check with which to purchase what others have omitted to offer, to gratify some special desire, or to lay aside for future need or emergency. Of course only the families of the bride and groom are privi- leged to have their gifts take such form. The wherewithal for a wedding trip abroad was the pleasant offering of the father of one young bridegroom. Where a present is sent from a man and his wife, their joint card should accompany it. Such gifts as are intended for the bridegroom should, 227 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS of course, be sent to his home. A belated present is not unwelcome, but should not be sent without a brief note of apology and explanation. A widow-bride spares her friends the obliga- tion for any but the most spontaneous expressions of good will, and commonly only the two families interested and intimate friends send presents. The bride should write promptly a graceful note of thanks to each person who has sent her a T present, whether she knows them or bride's not. The wording should be enthu- thanks for siastic, and the note should refer to the her gi ts gj^ j n some wa y ? that the giver may feel that it is a personal one and not a duplicate of many others. Some mention of the groom's name, associating him with her pleasure, is in good taste. The gifts are dazzling and delightful at first, but the array often becomes bewildering, and memory plays the ungrateful trick of sometimes severing gift and giver. It is wise to enter in a blank book the names of all who have sent pres- ents, and opposite to each to paste a number and attach its duplicate to the gift itself in some in- conspicuous place. These books with numbers are published. The fashion of sending wedding gifts was begun Displaying m tn ^ s country by New York's Dutch the progenitors, by giving the young couple presents t heir household outfit and a sum of money with which to begin their housekeeping. 228 WEDDING PREPARATIONS The question of displaying the gifts or not must be left to individual choice and taste. It is a recent fashion to invite friends, especially includ- ing those who have sent presents, to come and see them, on some day set apart shortly before the wedding, if they are not to be displayed at the reception. A few words written on a visiting- card by the bride's mother bid them come at the hour for afternoon tea. The presents, from which the cards have been withdrawn, are generally placed upon tables, covered with white cloths and ornamented with a few flowers set around an upstairs room. The furniture is removed, so that confusion may be avoided to the people passing in and out. The simplest gifts should be so placed that their givers shall feel that they are treated with consideration. In choosing the trousseau, one is influenced of course by the depth of the purse, but good taste as well as good sense deprecates the accumulation of great quantities of trousseau clothes. Fashions change, and many a wife has regretted the possession of an over- supply of frocks a little " dmod6es " that will not wear out, and of lingerie grown yellow and frail that gratified her ambition as a bride. Things that do not change with the turn of fashion's tide make, with ample provision for the coming season, a sensible trousseau. The wedding dress answers for an evening gown for 229 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS three months, but if it is trimmed with orange blossoms they must be replaced by white roses or other flowers. Worth and Paquin always put a parure of white roses in the box with a wedding frock. The bride's travelling costume should be quiet and inconspicuous, that her new condition may not be advertised to every stranger. House- hold linen in moderate quantity is often included in the trousseau. In the words of a young negro who announced his approaching nuptials with great pride, " De The weddin' am at de church, but de nour- wedding ishments, dey takes place at de home feast ob de bride." The wedding feast is generally entrusted to a caterer, unless the repast is a very modest one. He will supply everything, if desired, silver, china, linen, candelabra, flowers, waiters, cook and assistants, awning, carpet, and men to open carriage and house doors, or he will furnish only what is wanted. As the orders must be given before the wedding day, we may appropriately consider the subject here. An afternoon wedding is followed by a re- ception, at which the guests are served as at any afternoon reception from a large table in the dining-room decorated elaborately with flowers lights, and dainty edibles temptingly displayed. The menu varies according to the number of the guests and the means of the host. The usual order includes bouillon, hot oysters, croquettes, 230 WEDDING PREPARATIONS salads, sandwiches, ices, cake, bonbons, lemonade, punch, coffee ; but this can be indefinitely ex- tended with birds and other game, terrapin, wines, etc., or curtailed to meet the necessary limitations. A glass of sherry and a bit of cake have alone been offered at many a wedding. The one feature of a wedding repast which is indispensable is the traditional wedding cake. It is now packed in small white boxes The tied up with white ribbons and further wedding decorated with the interlaced initials e of bride and bridegroom. These are heaped high upon a table in the hall-way from which the guests help themselves as they leave the house after the reception, or a servant hands a box to each. A goodly slice is often put away in a tin box sealed, for the bridal couple to open on some future anniversary when it will be found almost as fresh as on the wedding day. A breakfast is the form of festivity, chosen either when the wedding guests represent but a few relatives and near friends or when T h e the bride's parents have sufficient wealth wedding to enable them to entertain many guests breakfast at a time with taste and elegance. It of course follows a noon wedding. The first is a simple, friendly little feast to which the givers may be laws unto themselves. It may consist of raw oysters and bouillon or hot oysters, sandwiches and salad, ices, cakes, and 231 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS coffee, with some punch in which to pledge the bride and bridegroom. The fashionable wedding breakfast is served in courses at many small tables by a corps of men- servants, an accomplished caterer supplying the daintiest of repasts. Each table has its centre- piece of flowers and complete service. In the centre or at one end of the room a table larger than the rest, decorated profusely with only white flowers, is reserved for the bridal party. The usual menu consists of fruit, raw oysters, bouillon, fish or lobster in some fancy form, an entree, birds and salad, ices, cakes, bonbons and coffee. The amount and variety of the wines depend upon circumstances, but often cham- pagne alone is served. Even at very modest wedding feasts enough champagne or sherry in which to toast the newly married couple is com- monly expected. The drawing-rooms are made gay with palms and flowers, the former commonly hired for the Decora- occas i n - K tastefully disposed, flower- tionsofthe ing plants are more effective than cut rooms and flowers and far less costly. The place where the bridal pair are to stand is indicated by flowers and plants in greater profusion than elsewhere or is alone in being so decorated. If the ceremony take place at home, a space is sometimes enclosed to represent a miniature chapel with chancel rail made of foliage with gate 232 WEDDING PREPARATIONS or door and carpeted with white fur rugs, the aisle marked off with white ribbons, or a bow-window is turned into a bower. The fashion for "set pieces " has gone by, and we now decry the taste that prescribed the stiff floral arches and wedding bells. One or two kinds of flowers in masses give a more artistic effect than many varieties in com- bination, those in season permitting prodigality. People unable or unwilling to have expensive decorations may rest assured that few notice the absence of things which, if present, would naturally challenge admiration. Flowers are so perishable that they allow little time for experiment or un- certain handling, but any one of ordinary taste may dispose them simply and naturally about the rooms, and the effect is often more pleasing than when the effort after elaborate decoration is apparent. Simplicity is an essential part of a good back- ground, and it must not be forgotten that the bride is the central ornament in the decorative scheme, and the guests should not receive the impression that they are attending a flower show. In the church a few palms may be massed about the chancel and large clusters of white flowers, placed at the entrance of the pews re- served for the families of the bride and groom, or there may be a succession of floral arches and torches of flowers ornamenting every pew. As to the cost, a hundred dollars or half that sum 233 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS expended will make a very 'pretty showing in a small church, and a thousand can easily be spent in decorating a large one for " the little ten-minute service of brief words and endless consequences." At a home wedding or at the church, cushions for the bride and groom to kneel upon must not be forgotten. They are often covered with white satin, further encased in sheerest lawn upon which the initials are worked. As these covers are wash- able, the pillows are found useful afterwards. Music is usually furnished, the orchestra screened by plants. A rehearsal of the ceremonial is held shortly before the day appointed for the wedding, when The every detail of the procession and wedding grouping of the bridal party in the rehearsal c h ance i j s considered. If it is to be a church wedding, the organist should be present. The sexton expects no gratuity for opening the church. It is included in the wedding fee, which is usually ten, twenty-five, or fifty dollars. Some- times it is felt that more than one rehearsal will be necessary, and the time chosen is that which best suits the convenience of the bridal party. A little luncheon, dinner, or supper usually follows the meeting at the home of the bride. s _ It may not be superfluous to suggest tions to that the bridegroom show generous con- bride and sideration in not exacting too much of n egroom t ^ e SO ciety and attention of his fiancee during the busy days preceding the wedding, 234 WEDDING PREPARATIONS when there are many demands upon her time and strength. If she is not busy, some one is being imposed upon ; and mothers have special claims. It used to be that from the time that the wed- ding invitations were issued the bride elect with- drew herself from public gaze. The custom was the survival of a form from which the spirit had fled and so became obsolete, but it had its origin in the commendable usage of a bride withdraw- ing herself from the pomps and vanities to give herself to prayer and meditation, in view of the important step that she was about to take. The need now is not less urgent, and one may counsel that the bride endeavor to have her trous- seau ready in good time, and that the last days before the wedding be free from excitement, dressmaker's appointments, and thoughts of clothes, that she may have a little time to con- secrate to the family that loves and is about to lose her, and to the God in whom she trusts to bless and guide her in the new life upon which she is about to enter. Chapter Fifteenth in^ DAY OF THE WEDDING 'HERE is a tender feeling at the heart of humanity for a young girl staking her life's happiness at the marriage altar, and if " all the world loves a lover," every woman loves a wedding. In all ages, among all peoples, a marriage has been the occasion of rejoicings, but among Anglo- Saxons there is added a sentimental and romantic interest, for the ceremony is always supposed to unite a pair of lovers. As the great event of two lives, it is naturally desired that the wedding be so conducted as to be always recalled with gratification and give pleasure to all concerned. When the ceremony is to take place at a church, palms are massed about the chancel and flowers are on the altar. Occasionally there are flower- ing plants among the greenery, and bunches of lilies or other effective flowers are fastened at the ends of some or all of the pews of the middle aisle. Certain of the ushers go early to the church, The ushers on the day of the wedding, to see that before the all is being prepared as directed. All ceremony the us h ers should be there half an hour before the guests are expected. " Buttonholes " 236 THE DAY OF THE WEDDING of gardenias, lilies of the valley, or the flower that predominates in the church decorations are given them by the sexton, to whom they have been en- trusted by the florist, or they are sent to the gen- tlemen at their houses in behalf of the bride. They leave their hats in charge of some respon- sible person, who returns them as they leave the church. The ushers are provided with lists of the names of those for whom places are to be reserved, and they stretch across the aisle a broad white ribbon or rope of flowers, beyond which the pews are retained for the families, near relatives, and friends of the bridal pair. Some brides deprecate mak- ing such distinction, and the ushers carry the ribbons down both sides of the middle aisle, just before the bridal procession arrives, shutting in the pews and so keeping the way open. Before the guests arrive, the ushers take their places at the head of each aisle ready for duty. Upon the appearance of the wedding guests they offer their arms to the ladies and conduct them to seats, those in the middle aisle asking the names and consulting their lists of persons for whom pews and seats are reserved. It were well for these gentlemen to familiarize their mem- ories as far as possible with these names. Their labor is lightened if such guests are provided with separate presentation cards. When an usher is embarrassed by the arrival of several ladies at once claiming his services, he 237 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS gives his arm to the one who appears to be their senior, asking those who came with her to follow, and after seating them, returns to fetch others. He inquires whether the guests are friends of the bride or bridegroom, and conforms to custom in seating the former on the left of the church, the latter upon the right. The reserved pews are ap- portioned by the same rule. Just before the entrance of the bridal cortege the bride's mother and her family enter the church, and are escorted by the ushers to the front pews. At a recent wedding the mother of the bride was given special prominence, passing up the aisle on the arm of the head usher, pre- ceded by two others. Meanwhile at the house of the bride there is much joyous stir and excitement. It is doubtful At the *f there is a bride that does not cherish bride's every happy omen, and in a spirit of^ house merriment, innocent of superstition, con- form to the time-honored rules of bridal observance. Among old superstitions, it is " unlucky " for a bride to look at herself in the glass after she is completely dressed; so the bride of to-day "for fun " puts on a glove or other trifle of attire after the last look has been taken in the mirror. Upon the arrival of her bridesmaids she gives to each "for luck" a garter which she herself has worn. Before the moment for departure, she is left en- tirely alone for a brief while, during which time blessing, not luck, is invoked. 238 THE DAY OF THE WEDDING A bride should endeavor to be at the church door exactly at the hour named for the ceremony in the invitations, and should request her attend- ants to meet her at her house well in advance of that time. She there presents to each one a bouquet in behalf of the bridegroom, unless it is preferred to have them sent by the florist to the houses of the young women. The bride's mother enters her carriage when everything has been attended to, and is driven, with those of her children who are not of the bridal party, to the church. Carriages are pro- vided for the bridesmaids, either two or three being accommodated in the same conveyance. These lead the procession, the carriage of the bride and her father bringing up the rear. Oc- casionally the bridal coaches are distinguished by having wedding favors of white flowers on the head-stalls of the horses and in the servants' coats. While awaiting the bridal party at the church, the organist plays favorite selections, often chosen by the bride and bridegroom. A burst of triumphant music warns the audience of the bride's arrival, and all heads turn to see her, as the familiar strains of a Wedding March are recognized. The custom of playing a soft accompaniment to the voices during the plighting of the troth is now regarded as theatrical. The organ peals forth another joyous wedding march, as, the religious ceremony concluded, the 239 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL -OCCASIONS bridal procession returns down the aisle. Other selections are then played until the last guest has left the church. When the first carriage reaches the church, the head usher orders the closing of the inner vestibule The door, and certain of the other ushers ceremony take their stand at the side doors to at the prevent the entrance of any one. One church , . . , ot them, in passing, unfastens the bar of white ribbon. The bridesmaids are the first to arrive, and stand with the ushers in the vestibule to welcome the bride. Upon her appearance the doors into the street are closed behind her, and the procession forms. Meantime the bridegroom and his best man have arrived in a carriage by themselves, and have entered the church building by the vestry door. Notification is sent to the former of the bride's arrival. When the bridal procession is ready, the doors are thrown wide open, which is the signal for the organist to sound forth the wedding march. Every one rises. The clergyman then appears and takes his place, and the bridegroom, followed by his best man, emerges from the vestry and stands at the clergyman's left, his head turned to face the advancing procession, and his best man just behind him. The ushers, walking two by two, stepping in time with the stately march music, come first. The bridesmaids follow in the same order, each couple leaving five or six feet of space between them. 240 THE DAY OF THE WEDDING Next comes the maid of honor, alone, and then the little flower-girls scattering handfuls of blos- soms in the bride's pathway as they walk before her. Where there are no flower-girls, the maid of honor immediately precedes the bride. Choir boys singing an epithalamium sometimes go to meet the bridal party, and turning lead the cortege up the aisle. The bride comes last, leaning upon the right arm of her father or near male relative who is to give her away. The procession divides at the top of the chancel steps, half going to the right and half to the left. The bridesmaids place them- selves between the ushers, the group forming a semi-circle on either side. A chalk line usually indicates the places. The maid of honor goes to the left and takes her place in front of the brides- maids, near where the bride is to stand. The bridegroom advances to meet the bride at the head of the chancel steps. It is a time-honored observance of wedding etiquette that the bride shall not be seen by the bridegroom on the fateful day until she appears coming up the aisle to meet him. The bridal pro- cession is for him, not a pageant for the guests. For some reason it is a nervous moment for a man. His friends, to reassure him, laughingly tell him, " Nobody will look at you. Give yourself no uneasiness. Of course it is necessary for you to be there, but the interest of the occasion centres around the bride!" which is more or less true. 1 6 241 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS He might, however, take a more masterful posi- tion, which is his rightful one, and gain confidence thereby. " The bride is brought unto him in rai- ment of needlework. The maidens that be her fellows bear her company." Thinking of her, he may forget himself. The bride leaves her father's arm to take the bridegroom's hand, and then, accepting his left arm, they take their places before the clergyman. Both kneel for a moment. The bride's father steps back a few feet, and the marriage service is read by the officiating clergyman. The English fashion is to have the betrothal at the foot of the chancel steps. For the rest of the ceremony the bride and bridegroom go up alone and stand before the altar. In the effort after novelty sometimes the eight bridesmaids walk up the side aisles one by one four in each, and joining at the chancel steps, go in pairs to meet the bride, half-way down the mid- dle aisle. There the couples divide, standing on either side while the bride and her father pass between them. The bridesmaids form again and follow them. The ushers precede the bridesmaids up the side aisles, but stop at the chancel steps, joining the procession only after it has passed between them. At the words "Who giveth this woman to be married to this man?" the father of the bride advances and places her right hand in that of the clergyman, who, in turn, gives it into the right hand 242 THE DAY OF THE WEDDING of the bridegroom, the church thus sanctioning the gift, whereupon the father takes his seat in the pew reserved for his family. The widowed mother of the bride sometimes gives her away. She may do this, if she please, by merely rising from her seat, and bowing to signify her consent. At a recent wedding, of a certain social promi- nence, the bride kept her father's arm and did not leave his side until the moment when, the promises made, he gave her away, and taking her hand from his arm, the father placed it in that of the bride- groom. The action had a significance that ap- pealed strongly to all the parents present. At the time of the plighting of the troth and the giving of the ring, the clergyman tells the bride and groom to join hands, and the bride gives her glove and bouquet to her maid of honor, who advances to take them. The best man takes the ring from his waistcoat pocket, and gives it to the bridegroom, who passes it to the bride, and she hands it to the clergyman, who gives it to the bridegroom, who places it upon the fourth finger of the bride's left hand. This completes the cir- cle, typical, as is the ring itself, of the perpetuity of the compact. Inside the ring always a plain gold one are engraved the initials of bride and bridegroom and the date of the marriage. It is placed on the fourth finger of the left hand be- cause of the fanciful conceit that from that finger a nerve goes straight to the heart. When the ring was placed and the words followed, " With all 243 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS my worldly goods I thee endow," it was the cus- tom in France, as late as 1600, to put some pieces of money into the hand of the bride, which were religiously kept for " good luck." Some say that the word " obey " in the marriage service is an anachronism, and holds only those who choose to be bound, but American women do not often feel their chains. In some provinces of Russia the bride's father gives her a little cut with a whip, which instrument of correction he then presents to the bridegroom for future emer- gencies. The pretty symbolism must appeal to the bride ! The kiss, formerly given by the young husband to his bride, after the words "I pronounce you man and wife " (for which so many rehearsals were necessary) has gone out of fashion. At the conclusion of the ceremony the clergy- man congratulates the newly wedded pair, and the bride takes the right arm of her husband. They then walk down the aisle, the maid of honor having parted or removed the veil covering the bride's face, and turned her train that it may hang prop- erly, so that the young wife need take no thought for her " millinery," but only of the great and sol- emn fact just accomplished. The bridal party follows in the reverse order in which it went up the aisle, the ushers bringing up the rear. More than once I have seen the bride on her way down the aisle stop to kiss her mother, who, tearful but cheerful, had caught her eye. 244 THE DAY OF THE WEDDING In some parts of the country, I am told, the best man offers his arm to the maid of honor, and the bridesmaids, each accompanied by an usher, follow the bride and groom down the aisle, and at the door enter carriages in the same order and are driven to the bride's house. This custom is never followed in New York society. It is sometimes arranged that the bride, having gone up the aisle on the side near where her own family and friends are seated, returns on the side of the bridegroom's friends, she having become part of his family. Each small observance has a significance. The guests are not released by the withdrawal of the ribbon (if it has been carried each side of the aisle) until the families of the bride and bride- groom have followed the bridal party to the church door. In the mean time the best man has followed the clergyman into the vestry, and hurried down a side aisle to be ready at the door to signal for the approach of the bridal coach, and to give to the bridegroom his hat and coat, which have been left in the vestry. A carriage is provided to take him to the bride's house, where he aids the ushers in presenting the guests to the bridal pair. Maids await the bride and bridesmaids in the vestibule to cloak them. The bride and bridegroom drive away together, and the rest of the wedding party follow. At a recent wedding a joyous peal of bells an- nounced the arrival of the bride at the church door, and again the joy bells rang a merry peal as 245 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS she left the church. It was indescribably sugges- tive of light hearts and bright hopes. If a marriage takes place in the afternoon, it is generally followed by a reception ; if in the morn- The m S> the guests are bidden to a wedding wedding breakfast. The reception is the more reception cus t ornar y ) permitting, as it does, the entertainment of many more persons. It is con- ducted as an ordinary afternoon reception. Upon arriving at the bride's home after the marriage ceremony, her family and that of her husband, as well as the bridal attendants, express their fond and earnest congratulations, after which they all sign their names in a register after the signatures of the newly married pair. The best man attends to the matter before the general arrival of guests. The book, bound in white with the arms or initials of bride and groom, is often placed where all the wedding guests may add their names, and becomes a valued souvenir of the occasion. The bride and bridegroom stand together at the head of the room to receive the congratulations of their friends. The bridesmaids divide, half their number ranging themselves at the bride's right hand and the rest at the left of the bridegroom, with the parents of the young couple standing near. The bride's mother is the true hostess, and all should speak to her. The parents of the groom, are the guests of honor of the bride's family, and should be presented to their friends. After a half- 246 THE DAY OP THE WEDDING hour all may move about the room, but the bridal pair, who keep their places. The ushers are the accredited masters of ceremonies, and offer their services to present all strangers to the bride and groom, though any guest may join the line that presses forward in order to wish them happiness. The bride extends her hand with cordial gra- ciousness, and presents her personal friends to her husband, if they are unknown to him. The in- discriminate kissing to which brides used to be subjected has deservedly gone out of fashion. Music is generally furnished by a screened orchestra, and the guests are served from a hand- somely decorated and well-supplied table, as at the usual afternoon reception. Champagne is always served. After giving an hour or so to their guests the bride and bridegroom may go to the dining- room, and are, of course, served by many willing hands. The best man proposes their health, and all present stand, wine-glass in hand, and pledge them to long life and happiness, after which they retire to dress for their journey, the bride assisted by her maid of honor and first bridesmaid or by all her maidens, if she please. As the guests leave the house, they find in the hall-way many small white boxes piled high upon a table, each of which contains a slice of wedding cake. Each person is entitled to take one of these boxes, though ordinarily a maid or man servant is stationed near by to distribute the cake to the departing guests. 247 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS The company generally takes leave before the The bride goes to the dining-room, departure The bridegroom, having changed his of bride clothes for a travelling suit of tweeds, . and awaits the bride at the foot of the stair- bridegroom . . case, and the bridesmaids, relatives, and friends crowd the hall. As the bride appears, all acclaim her. She holds aloft her bridal bouquet, and the bridesmaids press forward with hands outstretched to catch it as it falls. The successful one will be the next bride so the legend runs. The opening of the door to permit the departure of the young couple has heretofore been the signal for a general pelting with rice, a Chinese custom, conveying wishes for health and prosperity. But this custom has been so abused with vulgarity, often producing injurious results, that it is being discarded at the weddings of care- ful people, and showering the bride with loose flowers, as at a carnival, has been instituted. The rooms are generally so decorated that there is no lack of the wherewithal, and the bride's family are usually glad to thus dispose of the flowers, which when left behind have a suggestion of sadness in the reminder that she for whom they bloomed is no longer there to enjoy them. To obviate the discomfort caused by the rice, one maid of honor provided a large veil of white net, which she deftly threw over the bride as the rice-throwing began to be left afterward in the carriage. This vehicle is probably decorated by some fun-loving 248 THE DAY OF THE WEDDING friends with white ribbons galore, and the happy pair drive off amid cheers and showers of rice that now can do no harm. Some one usually throws after them a white slipper " for luck," and is highly gratified if it light on the top of the carriage to proclaim the new felicity of the occupants to the passers by. Happy are they if they escape pur- suit to the railway station, and are permitted the opportunity in some quiet street to remove the slipper and " decorations." One young couple hailed a passing cab and left their beribboned vehicle to return whence it came. Sometimes the best man follows the departing couple in another carriage, and having bought the tickets and checked the trunks, he sees the train bear them away to parts to all but him unknown, " East of the sun, west of the moon, East of the sun and far away ! " All joy go with them ! In England it is eti- quette to drive with four horses to the place where the honeymoon is to be spent. It is becoming with us " the smart thing to do " to spend the time at a friend's country-house, which is placed at the disposal of the newly married ones because it is done in England, and it certainly offers many attractions of privacy and comfort. The honeymoon, with our busy compatriots, often lasts but a fortnight. The old Jewish custom would commend itself to happy couples. The Bible says (Deuteronomy xxiv. 5) " When a man 249 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS taketh a new wife, he shall not go out in the host, neither shall he be charged with any business ; he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer his wife which he hath taken." After a noon wedding a wedding breakfast is the appropriate entertainment. When there are The f w guests, it is served at one table, wedding the bride and bridegroom sitting at its breakfast head> ^ b r jd e 's mother at its foot, with the groom's father and the clergyman who has performed the ceremony at her right and left hand. Cards indicate the placing of the guests. The meal is of course served in courses, and may be simple or elaborate. For the accommodation of many guests the breakfast is served at small tables, and a separate one with many white flowers is reserved for the bridal party. The company after the congratulations converse together a few moments in the drawing-room until the breakfast is announced. The bride and bridegroom lead the way into the dining-room, followed by the bride's father with the groom's mother. The officiating clergy- man waits behind with the mother of the bride, who as the real hostess of the occasion goes in last. If more than one clergyman has performed the ceremony, the eldest or the highest in rank is asked to be the escort of the bride's mother. The bridegroom's father takes in some member of the bride's family; the best man and maid of honor, 250 THE DAY OF THE "WEDDING the ushers and bridesmaids pair off, and the rest follow. The bride and bridegroom sit side by side at the table reserved for the wedding party, at which sometimes are seated the families of the bride and bridegroom and the clergyman or these have a separate table. Places are not assigned to the guests, nor do they proceed to the dining-room arm in arm. They seat themselves where they please, friends seeking each other. Music adds its note of gayety. The health of the young couple is usually pro- posed by the best man or by the father of the bridegroom. Speeches are only in order at a small wedding breakfast. Unless there are those who can speak happily and briefly, it is far better to omit them. At the close of the repast a wedding cake finely ornamented is sometimes placed before the bride, who cuts a slice, after which the cake is passed to the rest. A prominent divine has lately censured the frivolity, extravagance, and excitement that often seem the only preparation for the sol- emn service at a fashionable church wedding, the display of clothes, the careless curiosity of irreverent spectators which exposes to conspicuous publicity at a time when a man and woman have a right to privacy and peace. Modesty and simplicity often find fitting expres- sion at an informal house-wedding, which may be 251 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS an ideal and beautiful ceremony. In the spring or summer in the country, the reception may be made a charming lawn-party. In the city the house is generally made bright with flowers. The mother and sisters of the bride receive the guests. The father appears only when he enters the draw- ing-room with his daughter. A room is placed at the disposal of the bridegroom, best man, and clergyman, upon their arrival, where the latter may assume his official robes. As the hour strikes, the clergyman takes his place facing the company, followed by the bride- groom and his best man, who stand at his left awaiting the bride. Two ushers mark off an aisle with broad white ribbon, to the ends of which flowers may be attached, that by their weight will hold it in place. They then return to precede the rest of the bridal party, who enter at the far- thest corner of the room. The bridesmaid or bridesmaids follow the ushers, and the bride comes last with her father. Or, the ushers may precede the best man, and the one bridesmaid and the bride and bridegroom follow. At a house-wedding there are often no attend- ants for the bride, and there is rarely any music. At the conclusion of the service the clergyman congratulates the bride and bridegroom and re- tires. They then take his place, and turn to be greeted, first by their parents, next by the members of the two families and near relatives, afterward by every one present. All wish them happiness. 252 THE DAY OP THE WEDDING ' Refreshments are served in the dining-room, and may be simple or elaborate, as one chooses. Occasionally only intimate friends are invited to the ceremony, and the reception is deferred until the return from the wedding journey. The fash- ion of dancing at a wedding has almost passed away, but at evening weddings it is sometimes indulged in. The bride leads, dancing with the best man, and the groom with the maid of honor, or bride and bridegroom " open the ball." An outdoor wedding is a pretty pageant. Last June a youthful bride was married on the lawn near her father's house, under the trees where palms and many flowering shrubs were massed. The bridal procession stepping over the grass, winding among the trees, was suggestive of Ar- cadia and the golden age. The wedding breakfast was served on the lawn upon little tables decked with flowers, and a band of music in a marquee added its " merry minstrelsy." When a woman is married for the second time, she conforms to the prevailing estimate of good taste, if her wedding be somewhat less The elaborate than that celebrated when she widow- was first a bride. bride As has been said elsewhere, she does not wear a white gown, but a handsome visiting costume, the veil and orange blossoms are replaced by a bonnet, and she is not attended by bridesmaids. With these exceptions the wedding is conducted in precisely the same manner as that of an unmar- 253 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS ried woman. Occasionally at a large wedding a maid or matron of honor attends the bride. She removes her former wedding ring. She may no more wear both rings than she would bear both names. Unless the family of the lady's first husband show resentment at her second marriage, its members should be given places of honor at the wedding. The origin of the appointment of a best man is not complimentary to either sex. It was made in The duties order to see that the bridegroom did of the not run away, either from stage fright best man or eleventh-hour repentance! He is the familiar friend of the bridegroom or his own brother, and is pledged by the position to support, supplement, and aid him in every way possible, be to him a second self. Although the r61e is usually filled by a bachelor, a married friend is not disqualified. His duties largely depend upon the wishes of the groom. He may make all the arrangements for the wedding journey, buying the tickets, securing the places in the drawing-room car, ordering the expressman, etc., and should therefore be an executive person who leaves nothing to chance, and with the full comple- ment of wits. The best man attends the bridegroom on the day of the marriage, until he sees the train or steamer carry him off for the honeymoon. He sees that his clothes are in order, superintends the packing of his trunk or does it himself, and 254 THE DAY OF THE W E D D I N G insures his punctuality at the church in good time for the service, whither he drives with him. To him is entrusted the ring, to be produced at the right moment, and after the ceremony he follows the clergyman into the vestry-room and in behalf of the bridegroom gives him the fee enclosed in an envelope. He takes the bridegroom's hat and coat with his own, and hastens via a side aisle to be at the church door before the procession reaches it, in order to signal the bride's carriage. His carriage is usually the first to arrive at the bride's house, where he does escort duty to the guests who wish presentations to the young couple, and after all is over, he puts the marriage notices in the papers and attends to any other commissions that his friend may desire. He should call very soon upon the bride's mother, as should all the ushers, and upon the bride as soon as it is known that she has re- turned from the wedding trip. In describing a wedding in its orderly sequence, the part played by the maid of honor and the bridesmaids has been explained in de- The duties tail, leaving little to be said. Their of the principal duty is to second the wishes bridesmaids of the bride in all things. They are her attendants. Each should make her a gift, and show her every attention. It is their duty to approve the bride's choice of the color and style of the gowns that they are to wear, even if they think them unbecom- ing. They should be punctual at the rehearsal and 255 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS at the bride's house, to which they drive on the day of the wedding, either in their own carriages or in those sent them by the bride's family. They should do their best to make everything that in any way depends upon them a success, regard- ing themselves merely as satellites. They should call upon the bride's mother shortly after the wedding, and upon the bride's return each in turn shows her some hospitable attention. In entering the church, gentlemen accompany- ing ladies follow them, the ushers doing all the The escort duty that is possible. Wraps wedding and overcoats are removed in the vesti- guests b u i e anc j carr i ec j on the arm . Guests should arrive well in advance of the hour named for the ceremony, and accept without de- mur whatever seats are assigned them. A late arrival should enter by a side door and take the nearest place unobtrusively. The position of an invited guest and the sacred- ness of the place interpose restrictions that only ill-bred persons can ignore. Helping one's self to a more desirable seat, standing upon the pew- stools in order to see to better advantage, as though a marriage were only an exhibition, talking during the service, are forms of rudeness that betray the vulgarian. During the prayer and the blessing invoked upon the newly made man and wife, persons with consciences or courtesy join them in spirit, and do not take the oppor- tunity for a better view of the bridal finery. 256 THE DAY OF THE WEDDING Persons in mourning show consideration in tak- ing places where they will be little in evidence. When leaving the church, the guests give prece- dence to those occupying the pews reserved for the families and near friends of the bridal pair, who follow the cortege as soon as its last member has reached the door. Arrived at the bride's house, every one should congratulate the bride and groom. No formula can be given for such occasions that would not be absurd in repetition. Hearts and wits usually sup- ply all that is necessary; the greatest excellence is brevity. In early colonial days in New England a bride enjoyed great prestige, the interest culminating when she appeared at church on the Sunday following the wedding. It was her privilege to choose the text for the sermon on that occasion, which the clergyman was bound by courtesy to accept. One instance is well known, that of Miss Abby Smith, the roguish, mischievous maiden who married John Adams, who selected the text, " John came, nei- ther eating nor drinking, and they say he hath a devil ! " In our day a bride has precedence for three months in small places, and in cities where brides are more numerous, for one. During that time she is the guest of honor wherever she may appear, and at dinners is taken in by her host. After the return from the honeymoon the young couple are 17 257 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS the recipients of attentions from family and friends, but reciprocal courtesies are not expected. It is from the largesse of the heart that all conspire to make them happy, " hoping for nothing again." The bride, however, conforms to fashion if she send invitations for certain reception days, to give her friends the opportunity of seeing her. She will have fulfilled all that etiquette demands if she but give her guests "a smile and a cup of tea." 258 Chapter Sixteenth AT THE OPERA AND THEATRE GENTLEFOLK are recognizable of- |ten when least conscious of conform- ing to any elevated standard of social ethics, but courtesy has become in- stinctive, almost automatic. Such persons feel it an obligation to arrive at a place of public entertainment a few moments before the hour for the performance to begin, that their persons may not blot out the stage from the view of others theatre or while they are taking their seats, and opera- drown the music or the voices of the house performers by the rustle of their garments or the murmured discussion about assigning the places. Consideration for others suggests that late-com- ers should wait at the rear of the auditorium until an entr'acte permit them to take their places with- out annoyance to those already there, and those occupying theatre boxes should enter in such a manner as to excite the least possible attention. The occupants of boxes at the opera are so much less conspicuous, owing to the size of the house, that the obligation of a prompt arrival is less peremptory. When entering a theatre or opera-house, ladies pass first, followed by the man of the party who 259 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS has the tickets, who, after joining them, takes the lead, securing programmes, and giving the ticket- coupons to an usher. Should the usher be midway down the aisle, the ladies' escort would precede them, but if the usher be met near the entrance, that functionary would lead the way to the seats, and the men of the party would follow in the rear. A man may check his hat and coat before enter- ing the auditorium, or carry them in his hand to his Theatre seat > where he will dispose of them where and opera they will be no inconvenience to others; etiquette ^j s ^ at ma y fo e pj acec j unc j e r the seat, his coat across his knees or hung on the cord hang- ing at the back of the seat directly before him, which provision is made at some theatres. The women remove their hats at once, if they have worn them, and place them upon their laps. If the removal of their wraps offer any diffi- culty, it should be done in the vestibule of the theatre. Hats may be worn in the boxes. In going from the aisle to one's seat one faces the stage, and should say a brief word of apology when passing before others to reach them, espe- cially if they rise to facilitate one's progress. It is wise to keep the coupons which the usher returns, lest any misunderstanding about the seats arise later. Conversation is only permissible during the in- termissions, and whispering is no less objectionable than audible talking during the performance. 360 AT THE OPERA AND THEATRE When orfc is the victim of annoyance of this kind, or if some towering head-gear deprive one of the sight of anything but its aggressive self, one may waylay and ask an usher to suggest its suppression and removal or courteously make the suggestion one's self. A story is told of a man who politely asked a woman to take off her hat and was curtly refused, whereupon he put on his own hat. Immediately murmurs were heard all about them of " Take off that hat ! " The wo- man, thinking that they were directed against her, hurriedly removed the offending, bonnet. In these days no one would refuse, public opin- ion being against " theatre-hats." A gentleman never leaves a lady alone during an intermission, and only those who have the end seats on the aisle are justified in leaving them. Some one has jest- ingly said, " There is no real objection to a man going out before the acts one objects only to his coming back ! " When entering a box at the opera, wraps are re- moved in the anteroom, and the women move for- ward to take the chairs at the front, the Jn an men seating themselves behind. The opera box chaperon or elder ladies are offered the seats in front, but they rarely accept them if there are young women of the party. A bride or a d6bu- tante is ordinarily assigned the most conspicuous or advantageous position. All talking during the performance is in very bad taste. During the intermissions at the opera calling is 261 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS extensively carried on by the men, whose visits are cordially welcomed. Women occasionally leave their boxes to have a few words with a friend. At their appearance in the box of friends, all the men there rise, and remain standing until they seat themselves or take leave. Visiting is, however, generally confined to the men. Those occupying places in boxes or aisle seats are the only ones privileged to avail them- selves of the custom. A knock at the box-door is the proper an- nouncement by a visitor. He waits the greeting and invitation of his hostess before seating him- self, stays a few moments, and leaves upon the ap- pearance of another caller unless urged to remain. The rising of the curtain is the signal for all visitors to retire. If the caller is a friend of a guest in a box, he is presented to the hostess, and the host, if pres- ent, and makes but a brief stay. If he is himself a guest, he should not absent himself from the box of his hostess for more than a very few minutes, taking the opportunity when others are calling upon her. Ladies in the orchestra stalls, if seated near the aisle, may receive calls, but unless their escorts In the ff e * their own seats to the visitors, their orchestra stay should be of the briefest. If the stalls and lady's escort offer his seat and it is ac- cepted, that gentleman may profit by the opportunity to pay a call himself. 262 AT THE OPERA AND THEATRE The ladies in the front row of the orchestra circle are very accessible, but their conversation has a somewhat conspicuous publicity, as all who are seated in the neighborhood may over- hear what is said. A young girl should present her callers to her chaperon, and all women would naturally show the courtesy of an introduction to their escorts and visitors. A theatre or opera party is always preceded by a dinner or followed by a supper, given either at the house of the hostess or in some res- Theatre taurant of fashionable repute. and opera An equal number of men and women P arties are invited, and all meet at the house of the hos- tess, observing most careful punctuality. Some- times the hostess gives to each man of the party a small envelope containing a card inscribed with the name of the lady with whom he is to sit at the play, and who is given in a measure in his charge. Enclosed, also, are the tickets for that lady and himself, the numbers on the coupons helping all to find their seats without confusion. To each lady is given a card with the name of the gentle- man who is to be her partner enclosed in an envelope ; when en route in the omnibus, they all examine their cards. The young girls arrive in charge of their maids, who return to fetch them home, if the supper is given at the house. If the entertainment before the play be a dinner 263 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS or if the supper be given at a restaurant, the hostess conveys them to their own doors in a theatre-carriage or omnibus at the close of the fes- tivity. The men usually make their adieux, just before the ladies drive off, expressing their thanks and appreciation to their hostess of the hospitality enjoyed, and find their way home themselves. Or, the girls are taken home first, and the omnibus takes the men where they wish to go, after having left the hostess at her own door. It is needless to observe that where a second man-servant is not in attendance on the carriage or omnibus, the young man nearest the door makes himself useful in ring- ing the door-bells and seeing the ladies safely within their homes. If a host be of the party, to him this courtesy as of right belongs. In case of rain, a man-servant armed with a large umbrella is a great convenience, if not a necessity. The subject of the supper served at the house of the hostess, either simply, or elaborately on small tables each decorated in a different color has been spoken of in a former chapter. It may be repeated, however, that the seating of the guests at supper should differ from that observed at the theatre, for the sake of variety. A party for the opera rarely exceeds in number more persons than will comfortably fill one or two boxes. It is exceedingly bad form to overcrowd a box. Theatre and opera parties are the favorite form of bachelor hospitality. No man is privileged to ask an unmarried woman to attend the theatre or 264 AT THE OPERA AND THEATRE opera with him unless he requests her to select a chaperon or invites some married woman to ac- company them. In writing or giving the invitations, he should mention the ashosts name of the chaperon, whom he must first have secured. He either calls with the chap- eron for the young woman, and leaves her at her own door after the performance, still accompanied by the matron, or if the chaperon be of the lady's choosing he may send them the tickets, when they would provide their own conveyance to and from the theatre or opera house, and he would meet them in the lobby, or at the door of the box, if one has been engaged. Where the host has invited several guests, in- cluding young women, all are asked to meet at the house of the chaperon. Each new arrival is pre- sented to that lady first, and then to the rest. When all have assembled, a theatre-carriage or omnibus conveys them to the place of amusement. Upon arrival, the host precedes them, and indicates their places, though it is well to explain their relative positions " en route " which will help to avoid con- fusion. He places the chaperon next himself at one end of the row, or asks her to enter first, which will bring her at the other end. The first arrangement is the usual one. After the play he goes a little in advance of his friends, to give the porter the carriage check. A small tip accelerates the arrival of the vehicle. A little supper follows, either at the host's 265 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS bachelor apartments, at his club annex, or at a res- taurant of reputation never in a private room. The table should be reserved, the supper ordered, and the bill settled or charged to the host's ac- count beforehand. A generous tip to the head- waiter is money well expended. The menu not infrequently consist of raw oysters, bouillon, an entree, birds, hot or cold, according to the season, with salad, ices, cakes, and coffee. The host leads the way to the table there is no formal entry and places the chair for the chaperon at his right or opposite his own place. A small centrepiece of flowers is arranged so as to be divided between the ladies just before leaving. After supper, the host accompanies the ladies to the residence of the chaperon, where their maids call for them. The other men usually take their leave at the restaurant. 266 Chapter Seventeenth MUSICALS, THEATRICALS, CARD-PARTIES [HE two secrets of successful enter- taining are originality and a genius jj|)for merry-making," says a clever writer, and, where these are lacking, one may at all events choose the less hackneyed forms of festivity wherewith to beguile one's friends. For a musical given in the afternoon, the hostess writes a brief, informal message on her visiting- card, or the word " Music," and the hour at which she desires the presence musica i s of her friends, as suggested in the chap- ter treating of Invitations. No reply is expected. One accepts by attending or sends cards on the same afternoon if unable to do so. The entertainment is conducted in precisely the same manner as an afternoon tea, the visitors, of course, entering quietly while the music is in prog- ress, the hostess rising to greet them, if she is not standing at the drawing-room door with a whispered word of welcome. During the intermissions, which last about twenty minutes, people come and go, chat to- gether, and take some light refreshment in the dining-room, where one or two young girls are seated at a table to serve tea and chocolate. 267 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS An evening musical is a drawing-room concert, the form of invitation for which has been given in a previous chapter. The rooms are An evening deared of all f urn j ture t h at cannot be musical set against the walls, and made attrac- tive with flowers and palms. The piano is moved up near the end of the main drawing-room, and a small stage is generally erected at its extreme end, covered with rugs, and a couple of chairs, a table, a palm in a handsome pot, and a few flowers give it the appearance of a pleasant room. All the rest of the room space is filled with rows of small light folding-chairs, leaving an aisle between. These may be rented. The dining-room table is set and decorated as for a reception, if a supper is to follow. This may be bountiful or as modest as one please; either is in good taste. Punch or wine-cup may replace champagne. The guests upon their arrival are directed to dressing-rooms to remove their wraps. The host- ess welcomes them at the drawing-room door, the host by her side, and they then pass to their seats, making their own selection, generally where they find personal friends. Programmes are distributed. As the rooms fill and the seating capacity grows less evident, the host should devote himself to finding places for the later arrivals, reserving the seats nearest the door when possible. After the music has begun, the hostess takes a seat near the entrance, rising of course to greet 268 MUSICALS, THEATRICALS, CARD-PARTIES each newcomer, and the host continues cicerone duty. It is only considerate that the guests should make every effort to be punctual. When the music is over, all rise, and the com- pany gathers into groups to chat a few moments while servants clear the room expeditiously of the superabundant folding-chairs. The door leading to the dining-room is then opened ; the women seat themselves where they please, and the men, aided by the servants, bring them refreshments, either in the usual order of bouillon, an entree, salad with sandwich, an ice, and a glass of punch, or as each may elect. The men briefly attend to their own claims of appetite " between whiles," chatting together meantime. The guests, of course, wear full evening dress, the women's somewhat less elaborate than ball attire. The arrangement of the rooms, the provision for serving the supper, programmes, chairs, dress- ing-rooms, the duties of host and host- ess for drawing-room theatricals are theatricals precisely similar to those for an even- ing musical, but of course the curtain, foot- lights, backgrounds, stage properties and furnish- ings, dressing-rooms for the men and women, the " green room," are matters of technical knowledge, unconnected with etiquette. The " civil code," or code of civility, however, has its place. Human nature appears very ignoble when its vanity is stirred and betrays itself. They 269 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS are usually favorites behind the scenes, as well as before the footlights, who are more anxious to give pleasure than to display their own accom- plishments or attractions, and advancement always comes to those who fill well a little place. A popular form of theatricals is the illustration of a comedy by tableaux. The play or -poem is read aloud, and the curtain rises from time to time, as one would turn the page of a book and come upon an illustration. It is a curious fact that rarely is the reader well qualified for the part. To read aloud acceptably he must have an agreeable, well-modulated voice, and be so unconscious of self that no one else will think of him. Attention should be centred in the matter, not the man. One has only to read with the same interest, anima- tion, and freshness with which one would natur- ally relate anything if desirous of pleasing one's hearers. Jealousy is said to flourish apace in the atmos- phere of private theatricals. Now jealousy belongs to the moral sphere or the immoral but its betrayal is a sin against good manners. The playthings invented to divert the sixth Charles of France in his moody madness have been favorite toys of every age since Card his time, so abused a hundred years parties - . ago that the drawing-room of almost every fashionable woman in London was a gam- bling salon, until the reaction set in and cards were banished as the " devil's tools." 270 MUSICALS, THEATRICALS, CARD-PARTIES Being reinstated in respectability, a card party is now one of the informal, simple entertainments that may call friends pleasantly together without entailing much trouble or expense. The drawing-rooms are filled with small tables, their number of course depending upon the num- ber of guests, and the hostess is ready to receive her friends at about eight o'clock. Dressing-rooms are provided. When all are assembled, the hostess or some young girl presents to each guest in turn a basket of loose flowers. Each lady takes a posy from the basket, and each man a boutonniere. Those who happen to get the same kind of flowers play together as partners. Paper flowers may be sub- stituted for natural ones, if desired. The rooms should be so lighted that the players at every table can see their hands clearly and yet no one's eyes be tired by the glare of a light directly in front of him. The winners at each table change their seats at every game, moving on to each table in turn. Prizes are awarded, a light supper is served or simple refreshments are passed around, after which the guests withdraw, or occasionally linger for a little music, if some one present is proficient and obliging. The prizes are not seen until the moment of their bestowal by the hostess. They should not be so handsome as to be coveted for themselves, but only given to make the little victory more con- 271 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS spicuous. It is a distinction with a difference. How glory would be cheapened if a heroic deed were undertaken for some definite reward offered, instead of being prompted by a man's own gener- ous impulse and the reward accepted but as a recognition of the service from those who would honor the hero. It is always a pity to spoil an innocent pleasure, which alone brings real recreation. To play for money or for a prize debases the game as well as the players, the honor of winning no longer being sufficient. It is now the custom for all who have not won the first or second prize to draw for the " booby" or " consolation" prize, that the least deserving member shall not be ranked with the winners. Athough under the circumstances that we have been considering, there is rarely any exhibition of annoyance at another's mistake any our esy j a p se f rom courtesy yet a game of cards sometimes brings about revela- tions of character that are far from gratifying. Some careless players exasperate the earnest ones who are interested in the result of the game, by continually making mistakes, forgetting to play until reminded, asking periodically what the trump is, dealing the cards in a careless way that offends those accustomed to their deft handling. Such persons are usually thinking of themselves, not the game, and would like to centre general atten- tion upon the same object. 272 MUSICALS, THEATRICALS, CARD-PARTIES Some players are lazy, leaving to others all the little services ; others are selfish, claiming all their rights with never a generous refusal to profit by an inadvertence. A loss of temper is the worst fault of all, and any one with any pretence to the name of lady or gentleman would never show anything but the most unruffled amiability. A past mistake made by another should never be referred to, and a criticism must be made very courteously to the person at fault, never to others concerning his play. The principles of Christian courtesy cover all the ground. 18 273 Chapter Eighteenth ENTERTAINING A HOUSE PARTY PROSPERITY is not complete until 'shared with others, and hospitality has its highest impulse in the desire to confer pleasure. One of its most charming forms is the entertainment of several guests under the same roof for consecutive days, for which we have adopted the English name of " house party." Few town houses are capacious enough for such reunions, but in the country we have " all out-doors," and the house seems of second- dary importance. The Chinese have a standard book of etiquette, said to be the first ever published, written at the Emperor's request eighteen hundred and twenty years ago ! Its precepts are applicable as though written for to-day. Among them is the follow- ing: " As a guest, demand nothing. As a hostess, exhaust hospitality." All invitations are sent as early as possible to avoid disappointment. An incongruous party is sometimes the result of delay, the The invitations S uests eventually assembled being quite different from those whose pleasure the hostess had sought to further when asking them 274 ENTERTAINING A HOUSE PARTY to meet each other. As has been said elsewhere, all invitations are given in the name of the lady of the house, though a man may not hesitate, of course, to accept the invitation of his host. It is, however, more complimentary if it come from his hostess. It has been found that the pleasantest results follow when the invitations are extended for a week or more. When persons have the prospect of spending a week under the same roof, they make rapid strides in acquaintanceship, but for a shorter time they rarely seem able at first to divest themselves of a certain formality and re- straint. We copy the frankness of the English hostess in asking our guests for a definite period, in deference to plans for other visitors. An invita- tion for "a few days" is ambiguous and puzzling to the recipient. A time-table is sometimes en- closed, indicating the train or boat to be taken if convenient, or the hostess writes, "I think the train that you would find most agreeable is , reach- ing here about five, just in time for a cup of tea after your journey and a rest before dinner." The names of the other guests are usually men- tioned, and some idea given of the proposed sports and gayeties, that it may be known what to provide in the matter of dress. One or two extra men are often asked, to add zest to the enjoyment of the young people. To give one's friends days of pleasant occupa- tion and evenings of amusement and recreation, 275 ETIQUETTE TOR ALL OCCASIONS while at the same time so arranging domestic matters as to insure their every comfort, is no slight Sugges- undertaking. It is a consoling thought tions to the however, that where there are many hostess guests, they entertain each other, and the trouble may be minimized by observing a few simple rules. First, I would suggest to the hostess that she assume nothing, that she try to appear no wealth- ier, no better born, in no better social position than she in truth is. Every true home has an individuality of its own that constitutes its greatest charm. A temporary relief from the formalities of life is one of the charms of a country visit. I have noticed that dress sets the prevailing tone and customs of a place more than anything else, and fond as we women are of " chiffons," emancipation from their tyranny is usually enjoyed when the hostess and her familiar friends set the example of simplicity of attire. In order to be comparatively care-free and that the domestic machinery may run with the desired precision, before the arrival of visitors each servant should be carefully instructed in his or her duties. A tactful mistress will make them her trusted allies, and she may then devote herself with greater freedom to her guests. The secret of entertaining with ease is to live well every day. If the table linen be fresh, the glass and silver well cared for, the table dainty 276 ENTERTAINING A HOUSE PARTY with flowers or growing ferns, a few dishes well cooked and properly served, we have but to add a little more in quantity to fit the table for guests. A merry sweet-tempered woman, who has at heart simply the desire that her friends shall have a " thoroughly good time," rarely fails of success. There is a fine contagion in bright spirits and sweet temper, and guests reflect the mood of their entertainer. The house itself may be helpful in making visi- tors feel at home. We should have nothing too fine for comfort, and welcome our friends _ The house in rooms made homelike by our daily use. Nothing but living in it will take the stiff- ness out of a room. The ideal room for the entertainment of guests in the country is a large, cheerful living-room, that shall be library, music, and drawing-room all in one, the heart and soul of the house. If it is large, the party may the more easily break up into congenial groups and enjoy themselves without interference with one another. In a room where there are comfortable chairs, a luxurious divan with many pillows, a piano where the player faces the room, growing plants, fresh flowers, lamps conveniently placed, new books and music, the latest magazines, games, and photographs, visitors may be trusted to amuse themselves. If it be possible to set apart a smalt room as a " den," where the men may luxuriate in complete 277 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS liberty, it will be warmly appreciated. Here they will feel that they are on their own ground. If it be so situated as to benefit by passing breezes, if provided with a commodious desk in a well-lighted corner supplied with the wherewithal for writing, and conveniences for lounging and smoking, men will not be critical of the furnishing. Relics of the host's bachelor days, often relegated to the attic, may here be given places of honor, and are apt to furnish texts for a good story or pleasing reminiscence, when the joys of congenial companionship detain the friends until the "wee sma' hours." The furnishing of the guest-rooms may be sim- plicity itself, but they should be attractive, comfort- able, neat, and cheerful. Each should The guest- j^ provided with a rest-inviting lounge, rooms a clock, a few readable books, a basket containing sewing materials, a screen, where two persons share a room, and in that case prefer- ably two small beds, a waste-paper basket, and all conveniences for writing. A card should be placed with the stationery, giving detailed infor- mation about the mails and where outgoing let- ters may be placed. A calendar is a convenience that will be appreciated. A folded slumber-robe on the end of the lounge, an extra blanket at the foot of the bed, a whisk broom, a lamp, candle, and matches, cologne or some toilet water, plenty of fresh water and towels, with a new cake of soap on the washstand, all these should not be forgotten. 278 ENTERTAINING A HOUSE PARTY Every hostess should occupy her own guest- chamber long enough to have its deficiencies revealed to her. The dressing-table will then be placed in a good light, the bells to summon the maid will be in order, a bath-gown will not be forgotten if a bathroom be not adjoining, and many little comforts will be added. Visitors will be glad to occupy such a room, and grateful to be left to themselves for a time each day to rest, read, or write letters. After such an interval the renewed intercourse will be the more appreciated. Previous to the arrival of her friends, the hostess should visit every room which they are to occupy. Her personal touch is needed and will The be recognized. Rarely does a servant arrival of understand that neatness does not mean the & uests stiffness, and " artistic disorder " is to them a meaningless term. A few fresh flowers, an easy, chair drawn up near the pleasantest window, little touches thoughtfully given, make a room seem a bit of home, and bring assurance to a friend that his or her coming has been anticipated with pleas- ure. Plenty of sweet, fresh air, too, gives a sense of well-being upon crossing the threshold. In the country visitors are always met at sta- tions and steamer landings if possible by some member of the family, who gives them the heart- iest of welcomes, and from the moment of their arrival takes them in charge. A private convey- ance for their luggage, which shall immediately 279 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS follow the visitors, is a great convenience, saving annoyance and sometimes embarrassment when the expressmen are more than usually dilatory. The hostess may greet her friends at the house door with smiling eagerness, or they may be ush- ered into the sitting-room or library, according to the degree of intimacy. Her welcome is, of course, cordiality itself. The hostess conducts her women guests to their rooms, or a daughter of the house may show that attention, or it may be delegated to a trusty maid. A well-trained housemaid is at hand, upon the ar- rival of a woman guest, to take her travelling-bag, umbrella, or whatever she may be carrying, and if she has not brought her own maid (which in this country is not usual) she leads or follows if the hostess accompany her to her room. Having assisted her to remove her bonnet and wraps, the maid asks for the keys of her trunk, so that upon its arrival she may unpack her gowns and put away her other belongings, offers her tea or a glass of wine and a biscuit if the arrival is at an hour to warrant it, prepares her bath and leaves her to re- pose, after informing her of the dinner-hour, car- rying with her the travelling gown and shoes for a thorough brushing. When it is time to dress for dinner, the maid taps at the door and proffers her assistance, explaining that her services will be at the lady's disposal at certain times before each meal. Should the maid not be sufficiently capable to unpack the trunks, she should at least unstrap and 280 ENTERTAINING A HOUSE PARTY unlock them, lift out the heaviest trays, and place them on two chairs facing each other and cover them with fresh towels until such time as the lady herself may desire to put the contents away in the drawers and closets. Men are shown to their rooms by servants, and in some houses one is detailed to perform the principal duties of a valet for them during their visit. A youth of very slender abilities and at modest wages may be taught to brush the men's clothes, prepare the baths, lay out their clothes, act as their general factotum, and proVe useful about the house in many ways. Such a servant is apt to reap a liberal harvest of " tips " that greatly assists his efficiency. Hosts and guests meet in the drawing or living room before the meals, that a late-comer may not be embarrassed by the consciousness The that others have been waiting. Not meeting of more than fifteen minutes should be the guests allowed for all to assemble. for dinner Men are expected to wear evening dress for din- ner, but women may wear demi-toilette if there are no outside guests and the party be small. If the dinner is served from a side-table and everything passed by the servants, the necessity is obviated of having hot dishes upon the table, an advantage in warm weather, and if all the light is supplied by candles, the absence of glare is rest- ful and favorable to advances in acquaintanceship. Fresh flowers upon the table in the country are 281 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS almost as much a matter of course as the food, but if for any reason they are not procurable, a centre- piece of growing ferns and mats of leaves under the dishes may suggest the effect of cool freshness in their stead. At the first dinner a name card at each place, with some quotation so appropriate as to serve as a comprehensive introduction of the guests to each other, breaks down barriers of formality; such, for instance, as " A man he seems of cheerful yesterdays And confident to-morrows." Wordsworth, " His library is dukedom large enough." Shakespeare. " He knows what 's what, and that 's as high As metaphysic wit can fly." Butler's " Hudibras" When the same persons meet at dinner, night after night, it is wise to vary the order in which they are seated, in order to add the spice of variety. The first evening is always the most difficult for the hostess. If devoted to games, any feeling of Th strangeness or stiffness usually disap- evening's pears. Often a guest will unexpect- entertain- e dly reveal some entertaining quality ment character-reading, banjo-playing, for- tune-telling, sleight of hand, story-telling, whistling, palmistry, or other " parlor tricks " as society slang has it. An evening devoted to music might follow next, and much unsuspected talent is often revealed. 282 ENTERTAINING A HOUSE PARTY Nearly every one has something to contribute when the plan for diversion does not change so rapidly as to give one no opportunity, and people enjoy themselves when they find that they are giving pleasure. If a little programme of enter- tainment is made in advance, the intention must never be obvious, and a clever hostess keeps in reserve suggestions to be brought forward when interest flags. Of all accomplishments, entertaining conversa- tion is the most useful at a house party. The talents of a good story-teller are much appre- ciated, and often lie dormant until aroused by the example of others. A hostess may ask each one in turn, when gathered about a cheery wood fire on a chilly evening or on the piazza on a warm one, to relate the most thrilling adventure or the most embarrassing situation of his or her life. The result generally proves interesting. Nearly every one enjoys reminiscencing and few are averse to being the heroes of their own tales, with the priv- ilege, of course, of suppressing what they please. Recitation is with some a favorite mode of en- tertainment, but a talent for reading aloud accept- ably is often more welcome because apparently less pretentious. The secret of it lies in utter forgetfulness of self, and in telling the story simply and intelligently as one would, without a book, narrate something known to one's self but new to one's audience, the eyes meantime running ahead of the voice to note the proper emphasis. 283 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS It is the part of the hostess to suggest retiring for the night. It relieves visitors of embarrass- ment to know the ways of the house- ing to ^01^ anc j a readiness to comply with them is a mark of politeness. It may be well, however, for the hostess to say : " We are accustomed to what may seem early hours to you, so do not let our movements influence yours. Here are books and papers. Please follow your own inclinations." Before leaving her visitors, the hostess asks at what time they wish to be wakened in the morning. It is well to have easy rules about breakfast. It is customary to give one's guests the option of having tea or coffee, rolls, eggs, and fruit sent to their rooms or of joining the family where it is their custom to breakfast together. When the guests go to their rooms, they should find the gas or lamps lighted, the beds opened and prepared, and the night clothes, dressing-gowns, and slippers laid ready at hand. In the morning a maid taps at the door of a woman guest, asks at what time and at what Attentions temperature she will have her bath, of servants raises the shades or lights the fire to the w hen required, and brings the break- fast tray if she prefers to breakfast in her room. In wealthy and well-appointed households a valet does the same for the men, but everywhere hot water for shaving is brought if the house is 284 ENTERTAINING A HOUSE PARTY not supplied with running water, and the guest's shoes are carefully polished. If the breakfast is served in the bedrooms, the tray should be daintily furnished and inviting in appearance, and as soon as the breakfast is eaten the tray should be removed. Experienced entertainers recommend that the men generally spend their mornings together, and the Women seek pleasure in each other's Entertain- society, unless some game or sport ing the is planned in which both may take & uest s equal pleasure. All meet at luncheon. If the morning is occupied in an expedition, the guests should be left to rest and amuse themselves in the afternoon, reserving for the evening any special effort for their entertainment. In town amusements resemble each other, but in the country the seasons and surroundings intro- duce variety. Golf, tennis, croquet, boating, bath- ing, fishing, bicycling, riding, and driving fill the days pleasantly. Walks through woods and shady lanes may lead to some picturesque spot where a surprise lun- cheon is set forth, sent in advance. If the stables are ample, guests are sometimes invited to bring their saddle-horses. Archery has had a popular revival, and when some trifling prize is competed for, it seems to find favor. Photog- raphy always enlists interest, and the man who can temper justice with mercy when his fellow guests are his subjects is deservedly popular. 285 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS The pleasantest additions to a house party are often those who are poor in purse but rich in thought. Knowing that they cannot return the courtesies of their hosts in kind, they do it in kindness. There is often a pleasant interchange of neigh- borly hospitality. A cold luncheon served on a breezy vine-screened piazza gives pleasure to city people by its novelty, who appreciate for the same reason the "dear common flowers " on the table and about the house more than the rarest exotics, and rugs spread on the lawn, with chairs and small tables grouped under the trees, make a pleas- ant setting for afternoon tea. An informal call and a chat over a cup of tea on a neighbor's piazza may be enjoyed by two or three guests at a time. The house and grounds may prove interesting, and the shifting of the r61e of hostess to other shoulders for a little while is sometimes gratifying for variety. Of course, the most intimate neighbors are invited to meet one's friends at some informal gathering. A cere- monious hospitality in the country seems to do violence to the " eternal fitness of things." A continuous devotion of the hostess to her guests becomes burdensome to both. A little time should be given one's guests each hoste ^ a y ^ or res * privacy, and perfect free- dom, although persons absent from home and having no routine of duty or cares of any sort are usually glad to be taken possession 286 ENTERTAINING A HOUSE PARTY of and find their time agreeably filled for them. This, however, may easily be overdone. A hostess may with all propriety excuse herself for a time, after seeing that her guest has the wherewithal to amuse herself, in order to attend to her domestic duties or enjoy the society of her own family. No special change need be made in the family life when entertaining a house party. Friendships take deeper root when the conditions are not artificial. The model hostess makes her visitors feel per- fectly at home. She observes their real tastes. If they are fond of books, she lets them read in peace. The obvious effort to entertain defeats its object. She is so natural herself that they are at ease, drop their unconscious masks and are themselves. She does not run in and out of her guest-rooms, but when she is there, she acts as though she were the visitor. No hostess apologizes for any guest. All are on the same social plane while under her roof, and should receive equal consideration. It is the worst possible taste to make any distinctions. Servants must watch their opportunity to put the rooms in order frequently, in the absence of the visitors. Work should not be in , ,1 , . ,, Servants' evidence more than is strictly necessary. duties Some unimportant things may be given up while one has visitors that the servants may have more available time to devote to them. 287 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS In English country-houses the difficulty is rec- ognized of finding the scattered visitors in order Announc- to announce the meals, and a gong is ing the sounded for the purpose, as well as to meals notify them of the time to dress, half an hour before dinner. The new cathedral chimes make a musical and charming substitute for a gong. At table, it is no longer considered good form to press a guest to eat, as though he needed to be encouraged like a child withheld by bashfulness from satisfying himself. If anything is refused, the hostess should not notice it ; but if she has heard a guest express a liking for anything, it is a pleasure to gratify it, and such little attentions always please. If anything go wrong, unless it is very obvious, to apologize for it is often to draw attention to what would otherwise escape notice. A plate of fruit placed in the guest-rooms is usually appre- ciated, for people are always hungry when they are visiting, and the hours for meals may not coin- cide with their habits. One feels personally responsible for the weather when one has visitors, like the countrywoman who having invited the minister for tea ex- Rainy days pressed herself as so mortified because it rained ! " The prospect of a rainy day seems dismal and depressing. Then is the time to suggest some plan for which preparation must be made,- charades, tableaux in their more modern develop- ment of representing famous paintings or adver- 888 ENTERTAINING A HOUSE PARTY tisements, a lawn-party "costume," or a "cake walk" where emulation takes the form of absurd- ity, or, if time permit, a barn-dance. As the Fourth Commandment makes the hosts responsible for the " stranger within their gates," they may at least throw their influ- The ence in the right scale by inviting the problem of guests to accompany them to church, Sunda y and by placing in the living-rooms books that are not less readable and interesting because they appeal to one's immortal part. In the even- ing the hostess may assemble her guests on the piazza, and with some one to accompany them on a piano in a room adjacent, with no light but the stars, most persons enjoy singing the old familiar hymns in chorus, in the privacy of the darkness. Or a lamp may be placed behind one of the windows leading to the veranda, and all may enjoy the fresh air, while some one reads aloud, the men's cigar-smoke keeping any possible mosquito at bay. There are many games, too, that lose few attractions by being adapted to the spirit of the Christian Sunday. It shows no lack of cordiality to refrain from urging friends to extend their visit. They prob- ably have other pleasant plans, and a J Taking hostess may be asking a great favor when leave she fancies that she is conferring one. It is sufficient to express regret that the time for separation has come, and hope that the visit may be repeated. 19 289 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS The remembrance of the intercourse will be the pleasanter if the parting has been a reluctant one. When a man is to depart early in the morning, he takes leave of his hosts and their friends the evening before, and a servant is instructed to wake him at the hour desired and carry his breakfast to his room. He is driven to the station, his lug- gage being sent in advance. His host appears in time to wish him godspeed. When a woman guest is about to depart, the services of a maid should be offered to aid her in packing. Some member of the family or a com- petent representative should see to it that a comfortable breakfast is served to her, that the trap is at the door in good time to take her to the station and to insure also that her boxes arrive betimes. Should her expected journey be a long one, a dainty luncheon should be put up for her, an attention that is always much appreciated. With a woman guest, it is not essential that her hosts accompany her to the station, but they see her before her departure, and a trusty servant checks her trunk and sees her comfortably sped upon her journey. Every visitor should be made to feel that his or her presence has added to the pleasure of the entertainment and conferred a personal gratifica- tion upon the hosts. Inpromptu house-parties are occasionally ar- ranged in winter after a snow-storm or sharp frost- 290 ENTERTAINING A HOUSE PARTY Merry times are enjoyed, but such parties should be carefully chaperoned. The entertainment of many guests at a time presupposes a comfortable income, but in the country almost any hostess may Informal ' * visitors open her doors to one or two friends and give them a few days full of simple pleasures. The " gentle art of enjoying ourselves " rarely depends upon material advantages. Informal fes- tivities usually excite more spontaneous enjoyment than elaborate functions, and in the country earth, air, sea, and sky combine to make one happy and serene, and we enjoy without effort. Personal qualities, graciousness, and cordiality lift simple modes of hospitality out of the com- monplace. " I should be happy to see my friends if I had only ham-rinds to give them ! " exclaimed one enthusiast. The pleasure might not be mu- tual, but there spoke the true spirit of hospitality. The most charming hosts are those who enter- tain wisely as to guests and simply as to methods. If agreeable persons decline hospitalities be- cause they cannot return them in kind, they set too high a value on material things. If the rich only entertained the rich, society would be very uninteresting. We all have much to give that money cannot buy. When expecting visitors in town, it is Entertam- customary for some member of the fam- in f V ' S1 J in town ily to meet women guests arriving alone by train, or a trusty servant is sent. If men are 291 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS the visitors, they are supposed to take care of themselves, but if they are strangers in town, the host welcomes them at the station. If guests are known to be fond of society, their coming is mentioned to such friends as will care to call and perhaps show some hospitality. When young girls are invited unaccompanied by their elders, the hostess assumes the office of chaperon and must be true to its responsibilities. Of course a hostess never allows a guest to feel that his or her presence causes any inconvenience. If invitations have been accepted by the hosts before the coming of their visitors, it should be explained, and the hostess insures that a nice din- ner is served, and often asks them to invite some acquaintance to share it with them. The hostess places her drawing-room at her visitor's disposal, and suggests that her card be sent to such acquaintances as she may have in town at some stated date. When she can dispense with her carriage, she offers it to her friend, so that she may feel free to go and come as she pleases. Indeed, to be free and able to go about in independent fashion is usually greatly appreciated by a guest. If she has acquaintances unknown to her hostess, the latter assures her of the fullest liberty to accept their invitations, in- forming her only of the engagements already made for her and so harmonizing their mutual plans. The best of whatever is worth seeing is offered according to the means of the hosts. 292 ENTERTAINING A HOUSE PARTY A little dinner, luncheon, or informal reception is usually given, inviting those likely to be con- genial with one's visitors. One commonplace little woman who had en- deavored to carry out the principles of entertain- ing herein set down, was surprised and gratified to have an old gentleman say to her upon taking his leave, " If the word ' charming ' had never been coined before, my hostess of these few days would, I think, have inspired it ! " 293 Chapter Nineteenth THE DUTIES OF A GUEST T does not require a Solomon to draw up a code of laws for the conduct of a guest. One may say, " It is not a difficult r61e to play, " and yet any one who has had the least experience in entertaining knows that one guest may be a kill-joy and another an inspiration. It begins with the invitation. A ready ac- ceptance is flattering, and a prompt regret an evidence of good breeding and thoughtful con- sideration. It is a mistaken idea that a tardy regret seems to convey reluctance. Having accepted an invitation to dine or visit at a friend's house, to quote a well-known The guest society leader, " Nothing but your at a own funeral should prevent your keep- dinner j n g th e engagement." Punctuality is said to be a royal virtue, and the heads of the nations set an example of the most minute exactitude in that respect as a matter of pure courtesy. Nothing is more trying to the temper of hostess and cook than belated guests, and no one has the right to sacrifice others to his convenience. 294 THE DUTIES OF A GUEST We should show ourselves responsive to any effort made to entertain us, be easily amused, and let it be seen that we have come with the ex- pectation of enjoying ourselves. There is an art in being entertained as well as in entertaining. Nothing is so gratifying to a hostess as a happy, animated guest. At a dinner it is better to partake of a little of everything that is passed, or at least take some upon one's plate. A young or inexperienced hostess, observing that her guests decline certain dishes, thinks that she has made an unfortunate selection, unadapted to their tastes, or if one says, by way of apology for refusing, " I have already eaten so heartily," she may reproach herself with providing too bountifully and recall all that she has heard of the bad form of those who thus err. Neither let us apologize for our appetites in taking some of everything, since that also implies an over-generous provision. The golden rule is an unfailing guide. It is well to improve any occa- sion of complimenting the tempting nature of the viands, and an enthusiastic and spontaneous ex- pression of pleasure at the beauty of the table arrangement or of any article upon it does not come with bad grace from a guest where the feel- ing is sincere and if it be not done in a " gushing" manner. It is a mistake to think such remarks in bad taste, and that they make us appear as though unused ourselves to luxurious surroundings. On 295 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS the contrary, it is precisely those who are sensitive to beauty through its accustomedness that are most forward in expressing pleasure, or perhaps they know from experience that discriminating praise never gives offence, but is treasured by the hostess and recalled with pleasure. Those who second the efforts of their hostess instead of mak- ing demands upon her, who help her to entertain her other guests, are those whose presence comes to be considered one of the essentials of a success- ful social event. If it be necessary to withdraw early, before the rest of the guests, it should be done as quietly as possible, and the farewell to one's hosts be as unstereotyped and as expressive of pleasure as may be made consistent with truth some think that even truth may be stretched over a compliment. In replying to an invitation to spend a few days or more at a friend's house, it is a not uncommon The guest error > ^ obliged to decline, to say that at a house at " some other time " one would be P art y pleased to accept. Such suggestion is supposed to convey the idea that one cannot re- sign one's self to the disappointment. It often places a hostess in a most embarrassing position. It would be considered a rudeness to reply thus to an invitation for dinner or luncheon, and yet it would be far simpler to repeat such occasions of entertaining a friend than to plan twice for his reception at one's house for a visit of several days. A prompt reply is especially important in such 296 THE DUTIES OP A GUEST invitations, since the plans of the hostess are contingent upon the answer, and possibly those of some of her other friends as well. A telegram stating the exact time of one's expected arrival is often a satisfaction to a hostess, even if it has been previously agreed upon. It is an assurance that nothing has occurred to alter the original plan. It is, of course, superfluous to suggest that a guest is bound by every law of courtesy to conform in everything to the habits of the house- hold as far as possible. The most agreeable visitors are those who make no trouble for any one, who find everything pleasant that their hostess arranges for them, who in little unsolicited ways are ready to make themselves useful. The gifts and accomplishments of all should be at the call of their hosts. Every one should be able to make some contribution to the general entertainment, and with cheerful alacrity, but with no shade of ostentation, be ready to comply with the slightest intimation of host and hostess of their desire for assistance. A guest should never appear thoughtless of or indifferent to the convenience of the rest. Some persons think that because they are visitors, they need be only the recipients of attention. They should fall in readily with any plan proposed for their pleasure, but must not seem dependent for amusement. A woman may take some bit of work with her, or a book that she has already begun, that she 297 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS may not appear to be waiting helplessly to be pro- vided with entertainment. She may take a nap or pretend to do so or propose to withdraw to her room under pretext of letters to write ; and a man may tramp, read, or practise at some sport, if it be suspected that the hosts have something to occupy them, or even to relieve them of their con- tinuous society. Punctuality at all times should be felt to be an obligation. When outside guests are invited, the house party should be in the drawing-room promptly to receive them or to be presented, be- ing, in a sense, part of their host's family during their stay. If family worship is a custom and the hour is mentioned to guests, their presence is obligatory; but if not invited, it would be an intrusion. If anything- unpleasant occur, a guest should see nothing, but maintain a discreet absent-mind- edness ; and the whole decalogue of good behavior is broken at once if one visitor criticises to another either a fellow guest or a member of the host's family, or discusses any of their affairs or interests unless it be to praise. The rooms allotted to visitors are generally dainty, and often contain choice articles that require careful use. Often cherished belongings The guest's are taken from accustomed places to min- room ister to a guest s comfort or pleasure, who will, of course, keep the room in an orderly manner and handle its pretty accessories with due 298 THE DUTIES OF A GUEST regard to their delicacy. The presence of visitors adds appreciably to the servants' regular duties ; so it is only just to lighten them as far as may be, and ask no special service if it can be avoided. It is a matter of bedroom etiquette to leave the room always in perfect order. In the morning the windows should be opened, the bed-clothes turned back to be aired, a'nd the towels hung in place. A thoughtful hostess will offer a maid's services to unpack and pack the boxes of her guests. The servants should be pleasantly thanked for any ser- vice, and upon leaving, visitors conform to custom in giving a gratuity to such as have ministered to them personally. Well-bred guests keep their belongings carefully confined to the portion of the house that is tempo- rarily assigned to them, availing them- selves only of the closets and drawers guests that have been placed at their disposal. They do not take books and magazines to their rooms without the express permission of the hostess. These are for the benefit of all the visitors. They never ride a borrowed horse too far or too fast. They endeavor to show themselves at their best when others are invited to meet them, taking pains to second all the efforts of their hostess. When private theatricals or musicals are given, the hostess, or others who superintend the affair, will always be grateful to those who, putting aside 299 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS personal preference, enter heartily into the parts assigned them, more anxious to give pleasure than to display their accomplishments. An old proverb says, " Never mention a rope in the fam- ily of a man that was hanged." The applica- tion is obvious. It were well to remember, too, that one's ailments are never matter of public interest, and self and its belongings should never form a prominent part in one's conversation. It is optional with a guest whether or not he will attend church with his hosts. No worldly etiquette imposes his presence, but it is usually felt to be more considerate for guests to attend church if provision is made to take them there. If visitors have accepted outside invitations be- fore their arrival, which is often the case when making visits in town, they should mention the fact to their hostess as soon as convenient, that none of that lady's plans be unsettled and that their going may be arranged for. Guests should not allow their hosts to incur needless expense in their behalf. They should in a city pay their own car-fares, cab-hires, and express charges; but if the host will not permit this, it is in better taste to yield the point than to insist upon it. Although the desk of a guest-room is usually provided with note-paper with the family crest or the name of the house upon it, and all ne- cessaries for letter-writing, guests will be discrim- 300 THE DUTIES OF A QUEST inating in their use of them, and come provided with their own, including stamps. It is an old-fashioned bit of courteous attention, but one usually appreciated, for a visitor to bring to the hostess a box of bonbons or some fruit, rare enough to be an excuse for its offering, which is presented soon after the arrival. I have in mind one bright little woman for the pleasure of whose visits all her friends contend. She comes like a burst of sunshine, and every member of the family hails her with ' J e * t * enthusiasm. She pays a preliminary visit to the confectioner's, remembering that there are children in the household. She always happens to have with her the last new book of which the world is talking, and her fund of games, riddles, and anecdotes is inexhaustible. She never fails to have some bit of fancy work on hand, upon which she stitches industriously and with intense and absorbing interest whenever there happens to be a dearth of other occupation, or suddenly remembers an amusing story that she has brought to read to us. Best of all, she is ready for any- thing and enjoys everything, nothing comes amiss. She is an appreciative audience to the children's small efforts on the piano or at recitation. She tells them stories, plays games with them. She is interested in the little girl's doll, for which she will make " a love of a bonnet," and in the boy's collection of stamps or butterflies, over which she wonders to his heart's content, and 301 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS never by chance refers to his geological " speci- mens " as " stones." Every servant is her devoted slave. She remembers them all by name, has a bright word for each, and her way of thanking one seems to confer an obligation. There is a universal protest when the time comes for her departure, but she has always made an engagement elsewhere, which we suspect is intentionally prearranged lest she be over-per- suaded to " wear her welcome out." This last idea is to be commended. A provisory sort of engagement, made so as to be a little elas- tic, enables one to prolong one's visit, if it be really desired by all parties, or will serve as a reason for not accepting, if we wish to go, or our iavitation seem merely prompted by politeness. A bit of sentiment in the form of a " guest- book " is sometimes the fad of a hostess. One should welcome any opportunity to give her pleasure. In case of a protracted visit, where the guest fits into the family life, one needs to observe all the little courtesies even more carefully than if one were to make a briefer stay. Not the least among obligations is the frequent self-effacement, to give the household the opportunity of privacy. The feeing of servants upon one's departure Tipping from a friend's house seems to some to the be in questionable taste, but it has be- servants come an almost universal custom, and principles must sometimes make concessions to 302 THE DUTIES OF A GUEST popularity where no question of right and wrong is involved. In England the omission of the custom would be regarded as an evidence of parsimony or of ignorance, and it must be confessed that, human nature being what it is, work is done with better grace and with less care to the hosts when self- interest supplies a spur. It is sometimes a matter of embarrassment to know just how much one ought to give. It is a pretty safe rule that if a woman has spent a few days or a week at a friend's house, a dollar may be given to the housemaid who has cared for her room, and if she has given personal service, brushing gowns, bringing the breakfast-tray, etc. a dollar and a half at least and two dollars at most will be suf- ficient. Sometimes the maid of the hostess per- forms these services for the guest, in which case a dollar should be given her and one to the house- maid. Any extra service should be recognized by an additional half-dollar. A single woman rarely tips the butler, but she should " remember " the coachman who drives her to the station. Fifty cents or a dollar may be given him, according to his service during her visit. A bachelor gives a dollar to the housemaid, if he sees her before he goes, or sometimes leaves it for her in his room if he please. He would not give less than a dollar and a half to the valet, or two to the butler who has brushed his clothes, drawn his bath, laid out his clothes, etc. The 303 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS coachman should receive a dollar, and the groom half that sum, if the visitor has ridden or driven about the country. When the visitors are husband and wife, the wife would give a dollar and a half to two dollars to the housemaid, and the husband, from two to five dollars to the butler if he has received special service from him, and to the coachman a dollar or two, according to the demands that have been made upon him. A dollar is sometimes sent to the cook, especially if she is known to be valued by their entertainers. One should endeavor, in timing one's departure, to make as little trouble as possible for one's host, whose convenience may be better con- i cukinf? leave sidered in the choice of one train than another. Should it be necessary to take an early train, it is considerate for a woman guest to urge her hostess not to rise earlier than her habit is, but to let her say good-bye the night before, and trust to the good offices of some trusty servant to see her off. A man visitor would take this for granted, and bid his hostess and her family farewell before retiring for the night. When taking leave of one's hosts, adieux should be said to each member of the family, and farewell messages sent to any who may not be present. There is a suggestion that ought not to be re- quired, and yet is of such importance that it were best, perhaps, not to omit its mention. It is that a guest should hold sacred anything 34 THE DUTIES OF A GUEST that he or she may have learned of the family life, or of the peculiarities of any member of a house- hold where hospitality has been accepted. A person visiting at different houses cannot be too careful to avoid repeating anything that may re- flect in the slightest degree upon his entertainers, or satisfy the ignoble curiosity of one at the expense of another. Such social traitors there have been, but their popularity is usually short-lived, every one rightly judging that nothing secures his immunity from like treatment, where no honorable reticence can be counted upon. It has always been a point of etiquette for a guest, immediately upon returning home, , Bread to write a polite and cordial note of and thanks to his or her hostess for the butter" pleasure of the visit, nor forgetting greet- ings to the other members of her family, in soci- ety slang, " bread and butter letters." It is sometimes difficult to be truthful and kind, considerate, and sincere at the same time, but the fusion of these qualities is possible to An those whose lives are based upon great important principles. Charity leads us to see the cautlc best side of those with whom we are brought into contact. Unselfishness brings to us the pleasure that it always yields to those who try to promote that of others, and courtesy predis- poses one to an amiable frame of mind and a readi- ness to receive enjoyment from whatever is offered 20 305 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS us. If these " three graces " of charity, unselfish- ness, and courtesy accompany a guest, the success of the visit will be a foregone conclusion. It is a graceful act so it be gracefully done to send one's hostess a trifling gift, soon after one's return home, something of which the attraction does not consist in intrinsic value, but in the inter- est or pleasure that it may inspire, a book, a piece of music, a clever game, or a bit of one's own handiwork. It should seem to be prompted by pleasant reminiscent thoughts of one's visit, and never suggest the idea of the payment of a debt. 306 Chapter Twentieth OUT-OF-DOOR ENTERTAINMENTS many of the small towns of Ger- many the inhabitants make little use of their dining-rooms, the whole summer through, except when it rains; but every bit of garden, it not much larger than a pocket-handker- chief, is turned into a banqueting-hall hung with Nature's own tapestry. In driving by, one sees family groups, making homely pictures of themselves that remain among the pleasures of memory. The Italians are supremely fond of " al fresco" entertainments, and in France no resort is more popular during the spring and summer than the enclosed gardens, where sitting under the trees one enjoys some light refection while listening to the music of a good orchestra. The love of country-life is growing in America, and of all delightful ways of showing hospitality none is so charming, and withal so inexpensive as an out-door fe"te, and yet how comparatively rare are such entertainments. It is in England that the garden party Garden flourishes best, in spite of the cli- mate. It is but an afternoon tea, with the lovely 307 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS background of leaves and blossoms, and open to all the perfume-laden airs of heaven. A lawn or garden party may be as simple and informal or as elaborate as the hostess may elect. One may be a law unto one's self, since the con- ventionalities have not been codified as yet. Good taste would seem to exclude the parapher- nalia of artificial life, and a return as near as may be to pastoral simplicity would not only charm by its novelty but satisfy one's sense of fitness. If one have a well-kept lawn, no matter how small, though a large one is better, a pleasant lawn party may be given with every assurance of success. Spread rugs about on the grass and group comfortable chairs and little tables here and there, with a view to cosey sociability. Let each table have its centrepiece of blossoms, clover, daisies, or buttercups are best. A " gayly caparisoned " hammock, piled with kaleidoscopic cushions, will give a dash of color to the scene as well as a hint of informality. A card should be enclosed with the invitations, giving full particulars about trains if friends from a distance are bidden and giving assur- ance that carriages will be in waiting. The words " Garden Party " are engraved in one corner of the invitation, or, unless the affair be large and cere- monious, it is better written. The guests are driven to the front door ; their coachmen are directed where to go by a ser- vant, who aids the ladies to dismount, and a 308 OUT-OF-DOOR ENTERTAINMENTS maid ushers them towards a room reserved for them, and another for the gentlemen, The arrival where they may, if they choose, remove of the the dust after their drive. guests The hostess receives on the lawn, wearing her hat or carrying a fluffy parasol. The women guests who are not "going in" for games and sport wear long frocks and dress with elegance. The men appear in yachting flannels or regula- ation afternoon dress, according to their views of pleasure. The duties of the hostess are minimized. Dame Nature herself presides, and each guest is filled with a sense of content and well-being that leaves little room for desire of other entertainment than just to enjoy what she so lavishly offers. For the young people tennis and croquet have attractions. A little archery competition, with some pretty trifle for a prize, to make The the victory more conspicuous, rarely amuse- fails to enlist interest. To attract atten- ments tion to the spot, a small sign might swing between two trees, with the words in home-made printing : " What is hit, is history, What is missed, is mystery ! " An amateur fortune-teller, who only " prophe- sies smooth things," will always find a welcome. A gypsy's dress will add to the 6clat of the sibyl's predictions, and may be readily improvised. A Turkey-red skirt, a white waist with bodice of green or blue, a handkerchief of many colors knotted about the neck, and one of bright orange 309 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS on the head, need but the addition of many strings of beads to make the costume of the tra- ditional Gitana. A swarthy complexion may be imitated with walnut juice, that comes prepared for the purpose. A book by Desbarolles will give the necessary instruction needed to persuade the young people that " the stars in their courses " will fight for them. For the elders a little music heard through the open windows of the drawing-room will be a pleasant accompaniment to the conversation, if nothing more. A small orchestra under a mar- quee or on the piazza adds, of course, much gayety to the scene. At a little distance off, under the trees, there should be small tables supplied with lemonade and wine-cup or punch, to which the guests may have recourse at any time. As a lawn party is usually given between the hours of four and six or five and seven P. M., the The refreshments should be light in charac- refresh- ter, since it is presumable that upon ments their return home the guests will dine or sup. Three or four maids, in black dresses with white caps and aprons, may either serve the light repast at little tables where friends make up parties to sit together, or pass things around, as at a dance- supper, supplied from a large table. All the dishes should be cold. Consomm6, lobster or chicken salad, toothsome sandwiches, ices, cakes, and bonbons, with the fruits in season, are all that 310 OUT-OP-DOOR ENTERTAINMENTS is necessary, but one may amplify the menu as one pleases. Some young girls may assist in pouring out the tea, chocolate, or serving the coffee frapp, which the young men present will the more willingly pass around if received at their fair hands. The possibility of rain must be planned for. Servants should be instructed to serve everything as daintily as in the dining-room. The coachmen of one's visitors must not be forgotten. As the shadows lengthen and the air grows fresher, the lazy content that has held the com- pany in thrall usually gives way to a B more energetic feeling, and some merry taking game may find favor and draw the leave guests pleasantly together. At a recent " fte champtre " eight pretty girls, dressed in old-time finery that was a family heir- loom, danced a stately minuet on the greensward to the strains of a single violin played by a rustic- looking youth with cross-gartered hose, large white collar, long lovelocks (of hemp), and conical broad-brimmed hat, decked with many-colored ribbons. The effect was a bit of sylvan medise- valism ; but the climax of enjoyment was reached when all present, young and old, joined in a merry contradance, more familiarly known as the " Vir- ginia Reel," and the smiles did not fade from the faces of the company until long after the good- byes had been spoken. The Athenians of old were never more eager to " see and hear some new thing " than are 3" ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS the people of this modern republic. The re- sources of out-of-door entertaining still wait their development. In this age of gold, quite a different thing from the golden age, it is pleasant to think that one of the most delightful forms of entertain- Picmcs ment is easily within the reach of nearly everybody. Mother Nature opens wide her arms to all her children, gracious alike to rich and poor, and invites them all to frolic on her capacious lap. A picnic may consist merely of a little group of friendly neighbors, who meet to enjoy a luncheon together in some pleasant, leafy nook out of doors, each member filling the r61e of both hostess and guest, since each makes a contribution to the feast. Or an entertainment may be given, pre- sided over by a French chef, with liveried servants in attendance, and all the delicacies of the four seasons from the four quarters of the globe dis- played to tempt the appetite. The ideal picnic, however, should have the charm of things primitive and rustic; anything suggestive of luxury and artificiality should be banished. The best time to choose for such an outing is late spring or early summer, when clear skies may be reasonably counted upon and the air is filled with coolness and fragrance. Later, the dewy freshness will have gone, and parched vegetation, dusty roads, and the persistent hum of insects 312 OUT-OF-DOOR ENTERTAINMENTS may make a picnic " one part pleasure, three parts pain." In selecting a place for our sylvan feast, I would suggest that it be far enough away to necessitate a pleasant tramp to reach it, or, better ... ,. T The place still, within easy driving distance. It doubles the sport for the young people to pack them into an old wagon, where bumping along the country roads through the fresh morning air they find cause for merriment in everything, and bring to the picnic the indispensable contribu- tions of high spirits and good appetites. The best spot for the enjoyment of the luncheon should be chosen, if possible, near a spring; otherwise the water must be transported. The regular picnic grounds of popular resort are to be avoided. It is a matter for rejoicing that such places exist for those who can enjoy them, but those to whom a kind Providence has given a feeling for the artistic or a real love for nature prefer the more retired spots, where their privacy will not be invaded. Carpeted with ferns and moss, canopied with leaves and sky, what lovelier mise-en-scene could fairy-land furnish than such an airy dining-room. The bird orchestra furnishes the music, supple- mented by happy human laughter, not less pleas- ant to hear. In choosing the company for a picnic only those should be invited who can be counted upon for good nature, who are ready to laugh at trifling 3'3 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS mishaps, see the bright side of everything, and are not afraid of a little work. The pleasantest results follow when the company are company near ^y f the same age. Where the party is composed of young people, a merry chaperon or two, who have known how to grow old without forgetting that they have been young, will add to the pleasure of all, their wits and experience being, of course, at the service of their young charges. One should be suitably clothed in order to enjoy a picnic, no fashionable fur- belows, but so dressed as to be utterly unconscious of one's clothes. Of course most of the preparations for the feast are made in advance, and all may be packed the night before, except the sandwiches, The feast , . , . ; , ^ , , which must be freshly made. Cold birds or poultry should be cut in convenient mor- sels, each wrapped separately in oiled paper and served with a crisp lettuce salad. Nothing is more universally popular at a picnic than a vegetable salad. The more ingredients, the better is the result. This, as an accompaniment to a delicate cold boiled ham, is usually relished. Olives and pickles are welcome additions. Hard-boiled eggs belong to picnic traditions. Cream cheese with currant jelly and crisp crackers is a toothsome combination, and everything eaten out of doors has a superior flavor. Coffee made on the spot appeals strongly by its delicious aroma to the imagination as well as to OUT-OP-DOOR ENTERTAINMENTS the appetite. A fire is made between two piles of stones, and the coffee-pot balanced between. Cakes require specially tender treatment, a sodden mass with crumbs adhering is the result of any carelessness. They should be packed in boxes, and stuffed about with tissue paper, to keep them immovable. Pies are not to be recom- mended. Even the heartiest appetite shuns them if their symmetry is lost, and they are most dif- ficult of adjustment in a luncheon basket. Fruit of all kinds, nuts and raisins, make a sufficiently dainty dessert. The food must look attractive and tempting, or one is apt to grow fastidious, even with a picnic appetite. The milk, of course, is carried in bottles, as may be also iced coffee, wine-cup, etc., all well corked and don't forget the corkscrew ! The ice is carried in a bag. It is best to use as few dishes as possible, depending upon the leaves for plates in true " merry greenwood " style, or the little thin wooden pie-plates may be preferred- Japanese paper napkins are a great convenience. If the young men of the party be energetic and ambitious, they may earn the gratitude of the company by giving them a clam-roast, or cooking fish in the delicious manner known to the Adi- rondack guides. After the fish has been cleaned and prepared, the cooking is a very simple matter. A piece of butter should be put inside the fish, which, salted and peppered, is then carefully 315 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS wrapped in white paper. Next, dip half a news- paper in water, and wringing it out, wrap the fish in it, brush away the coals, lay the fish on the hot stones, and cover it with ashes. As many minutes are required to cook it as the fish meas- ures inches in length, and five more. The result will be " a dish fit for the gods." Those who have not been initiated into the mysteries of clam roasting may be glad to learn them from an "old salt" whose talents are in great repute. A circle of stones should be laid on the ground, or, better, the tire of a small wheel, and the clams wedged so tightly together in it, hinges upward, that the juices cannot escape. A quick, brisk fire is then built atop of the clams, and a few minutes suffice to bring them to per- fection. Butter melted in the hot shells, salt, pepper, and a few drops of lemon juice make the best sauce. There are some conveniences that add greatly to the pleasure of a picnic that a little forethought may easily supply. The " flowery turf/' Convenient . J accessories m I IGU * a table, sounds attractive, but in reality the ground unprepared is apt to be a little uneven and " bumpy." A few boards of equal length and four empty starch-boxes, sent to the chosen spot before the arrival of the party, may be used to improvise a low table, at which one may sit comfortably on the ground. The four boxes forming the corners may be connected by four boards, upon which the others may be laid 316 OUT-OP-DOOR ENTERTAINMENTS crosswise. It is easily prepared, and the table- cloth hides all sins of omission. A " handy " man-servant or two are invaluable at such an en- tertainment, and their services to fetch and carry will probably be in universal and constant demand. After the feast is over and the games and other fun claim the attention of the party, there is generally a great lack of enthusiasm if it be sug- gested that there is any work to be done. The labor of clearing up may be left to the " factotum " and his assistant. One's self-respect and the " eternal fitness of things " require that one leave the leafy paradise in the same orderly condition as when one invaded its solemn stillness. Such pleasures are healthful for body and soul. It is good to get back to primitive ideas of pleas- ure, to make closer acquaintance with Nature. Truly " that is best which lieth nearest." Chapter Twenty-first WOMEN'S DRESS )O dress well is an art, and all wo- ,men are not artists, but to dress appropriately to the occasion is a possible acquirement for every one, i and, according to the old English proverb, " all is fine that is fit." It is a commend- able and legitimate instinct to wish to appear to advantage, and no one can doubt that becoming clothes are an adjunct in our efforts to please. It goes beyond vanity. One's clothes are an expres- sion of one's self, a revelation of character, taste, position, means, and the many must judge us chiefly by externals. A truly refined woman would rather follow than lead a fashion, and she is not well dressed who A well- seems herself to be secondary to her dressed clothes. As an artist suits the frame to woman hj s picture that it may bring out its best points, never allowing it to overshadow what he has been at pains to express, and attract attention to itself, so is a woman never really well dressed if the beholder thinks of her clothes rather than of her. Fashion and art have little in common, but Du Maurier, Gibson, and other knights of the brush W O MEN'S DRESS have shown themselves masters of the art of adapt- ing and modifying the fashions of the day into graceful womanly garments that are artistic enough to be beautiful for years to come. The principles of their art may well be studied by women of all ages. One of the fundamental laws of good taste in dress is that the lines of the garment should fol- low the contour of the human form. What a calamity we should feel it if Nature had made us as Fashion makes us appear ! The huge sleeves, the bustles, hoops, and now the straight-front bodice padded often just above the waist line and so distorting what the Creator approved as " very good," these impeach womanly intelligence. Why must it be that a fashion shall have passed before we discover its absurdity? Why, too, do we all follow the same models, no matter how tasteless and unbecoming they may be? One writer, uniting wit and common-sense, advises that a woman should no more accept a bonnet that is unbecoming because it is the fashion " than she would accept a husband because that is the style of man they are marrying this spring " ! In France one does not see such uniformity. The greater variety may be due to the fact that there the working women do not ape their social superiors, but have a neat, becoming, and tasteful attire, belonging to their own station, that entitles them to their self-respect and that of others. One sometimes sighs for the sumptuary laws of the old 319 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS paternal governments, when one sees a woman in a street car grotesquely overdressed. Were the sham elegance real, a coach and liveried ser- vants would be in keeping with her attire. The vulgarity of it "jumps to the eyes," as the French express it. The secret of much bad dressing is that " it is the object of most women to provide themselves with apparel that shall not denote their station, but the station of somebody richer and'/ better placed." -~-^y In the street elaborate dressing is always in bad taste. The old rule, " Dress so as to pass Street unobserved," seems to have changed to dress, " Dress so as to challenge admiration morning or attention," but a gentlewoman who can afford to dress expensively would have her carriage to drive in. A costume of dark cloth, rough or smooth, with a becoming hat, not too large, stout boots and dog-skin gloves, worn rather loose, is the fashion- able morning attire for the street in winter. A woman's appearance must suggest that quality expressed in the slang of the day as " well groomed." For shopping, morning classes, charity meetings, or informal visiting, such dress is appropriate. Clt is an unwritten law, among women of assured r osition, that one should dress simply when pass- ing through the shops or in a promiscuous crowd anywhere. Aside from the question of good taste, rich and showy garments arouse the envy and 320 WOMEN'S DRESS appeal to the weakness of women unable to indulge in such luxuries. It encourages false notions of what it means to be " a fine lady." " Am I my brother's (or sister's) keeper?" is the first social question ever raised. A Parisienne who in her dressing always con- siders neatness and thrift, holds up her gown care- fully in the street, gracefully but so effectually that it is not soiled by contact with the pavement. Nothing is more unwholesome than the skirts that sweep up germs of disease which their wearers presumably are trying in every other way to guard against. In Europe women never put on their gloves in the street; it is considered part of the toilette, which is only properly performed at home. In the afternoon the cloth gown may be of a lighter shade than the one worn in the morning (or it may merely be a newer, fresher Afternoon costume), and the jacket cover a dressy street- bodice, seen only upon the removal dress of the coat in the house. With this patent-leather boots and white gloves add the touch of elegance that fashion now dictates. A woman so dressed, if the gown be fresh and well fitted, may attend a reception, matinee, or concert, or call upon her friends and know herself appropriately garbed. She may meet others dressed in velvet, very pale cloths, or in gowns conspicuously elegant, but such do not go in the street on foot. 21 321 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS In her carriage a woman may be as fine as she please jewels only are debarred by daylight, except where their manifest use is their excuse 1 for being. For church a woman's dress, while suitable to her means and station, should be so inconspicuous as to prove no distraction to her fel- Dress at low-worshippers, and never suggest church- _,, . . even by its tastefulness that it has occupied her thoughts overmuch. Her cloth call- ing-gown, if dark, with a simpler bodice and hat, would be appropriate in winter. Absolute neat- ness, the first requisite in dress at all times, seems more than ever incumbent at church. Some women's neat appearance suggests purity of soul, an outward sign of an inward grace. The hostess at a reception, as well as those who aid her in receiving her guests, wear high- Reception nec ked, long-sleeved gowns of silk, and satin, lace, velvet, or very pale cloth, visiting ma de with train and the bodice be- comingly trimmed. Jewels are worn, but they should not be conspicuously promi- nent, as they may be at a ball. Of course, they do not wear hats, and it is optional whether or not to wear gloves. It is thought by many that the hostess shows courtesy by discarding them. A debutante generally wears white, and her as- sistants light-colored gowns of chiffon or other filmy, transparent goods, made with high bodices and long sleeves. 32? WOMEN'S DRESS The guests wear street costumes of cloth, light or dark, or carriage dress of velvet, silk, or what- ever Fashion's caprice dictates, with becoming hats and bonnets, removing their wraps in the hall or in an upper room. White or light gloves and dress shoes are important accessories. For an evening reception the hostess and her guests wear dinner gowns, decolletes, of white, gray, or colored silk, satin, or velvet, or lace gowns white or black, with jewels, and hair carefully dressed. White gloves and slippers complete the costume. The hostess does not wear gloves. At women's luncheons street costume is worn by the guests, walking dress at a small luncheon, and visiting attire at a large elaborate function. The hostess always shows . good taste in dressing somewhat more simply than her guests. She, of course, wears neither hat nor gloves. Tea-gowns, despite the name, are not worn at teas, nor is any semi-loose garment suitable in which to appear in public. They originated at English country-houses, and were found convenient to slip on after returning from ride or drive before dressing for dinner. The house party would meet for afternoon tea, and if callers dropped in, the informality of the occasion excused the negligee. In America they are worn occasionally by ladies who receive every week in the season, or at very small luncheons, and are supposed to indicate great informality. . 323 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS For " days at home " girls and young married women wear pale shades of cloth with pretty bod- Dress for i es > ^g nt siks, China crepes, or light " Days at bodices of silk or chiffon with dark Home." s ki r t s> For older women Fashion's present edict imposes dressy black gowns of net and in all varieties, but always made with high- necked bodices, or simple silk or satin gowns worn with lace fichus. " Full dress " means a gown with low neck and short sleeves, irrespective of elegance. It is worn at balls, the opera, dinners, musicals, Full dress , F . and other evening entertainments at private houses. Many persons wear full dress always in the evenings. After six o'clock it is correct, never before. For a ball the essential quality of a gown is its freshness. Simplicity often gives an added Dress for c h arm ^ the wearer is youthful. To balls and the married women should be left the dances s ilks and satins, brocades and velvets, the spangled laces and embroidered crepes. Dainty, diaphanous materials are most becoming to young faces. White organdie, chiffon, mous- seline de sole, tulle, and China crpe are some of the gossamer fabrics that led one enthusiast to re- mark that their wearers seemed " the connecting link between women and angels ! " Girls wear in their hair natural or artificial flowers, gauzy-winged butterflies or tied bows of ribbon or chiffon ; married women, jewels and ostrich tips. 324 WOMEN'S DRESS Long white kid gloves and patent-leather slip- pers or satin ones matching the gown complete the toilette. Girls wear little jewelry, only a string of pearls or a ribbon about the throat holding a small pendant, while married women exhaust the re- sources of their jewel boxes. The only difference between the dress at a ball and an informal dance is in the degree of elegance. At the opera the women in the boxes Dress at appear in all the bravery of ball attire, i*" d with jewels galore. In England women do not hesitate to wear decollete" gowns at a theatre, concert, or even in a public restaurant; but in America it is thought more seemly to wear a high-necked gown, or a guimpe and long sleeves of chiffon or of some transparent material to fill in a low bodice, even at the opera, when not within the shelter of a box. At the opera, more than elsewhere, does women's dress " leave much to be desired." Some women seem to be forgetful of the mod- esty that sets them above the unfortunate mem- bers of their sex, and suggests the inference that they owe much to the accidents of birth and circumstances. At a theatre or concert high-necked gowns are worn exclusively, though the waists are usually dressy affairs, light in color and fabric, and white gloves only are seen. 325 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS Consideration for others has banished hats and bonnets from the theatre. Those who wear them upon entering remove them before the curtain rises, and those who come in carriages have their hair carefully dressed and wear opera-cloaks. Hats are still worn in boxes. For large dinners women reserve their finest frocks. They are subject to closer inspection, and risk no defacement as at dances. Low neck and short sleeves are worn uni- dress versally, except by elderly or delicate women, who cover neck and arms with some becoming arrangement of lace or chiffon. Patent- leather or satin slippers and white gloves are worn. The latter are removed at table, and resumed in the drawing-room or not as one pleases. For informal dinners the present fashion eva- nescent, as all fashions are is for gowns of black tulle, jetted or spangled, black lace or satin with lace-trimmed bodices, or elaborate waists of lace or chiffon are worn with skirts of rich silk, satin, or velvet. Young girls make a distinction in their dress for little dinners, by wearing lace or chiffon sleeves to the wrist, with low-necked gowns. Again let it be repeated that the hostess should be very careful that she does not outdress her guests. At home a woman should be guided in her manner of dressing by an even greater desire to please than elsewhere. Her husband may be the 326 WOMEN'S DRESS least observant of men, but he will know when she looks neat and attractive, with hair newly dressed and some becoming ar- " ss at * home rangement about the bodice of her gown. The practice of wearing soiled finery at home cannot be too strongly deprecated. Nothing can be too simple for the morning. Married women only are privileged to wear a wrapper at breakfast, and the privilege is abused if its freshness be not very evident. After twelve o'clock noon, the wrapper should disappear, a la Cinderella. Tea-gowns are also a monopoly of the married. It is a reversal of the traditions and proprieties when a mother dresses her daughters in a more expensive style than herself. A young Mothers girl rarely sees charm in simplicity, and and does not know that she is lovelier with- dau g htef s out ornament. One is young but once. In France, where the reverent admiration of the " jeune fille " amounts almost to a cult, she is never permitted to wear a diamond, a bit of rich lace, or even a feather, although recently the stringency of this rule has been somewhat relaxed. With us there is often little distinction between the attire of six- teen and sixty. To tell a girl that anything ultra-fashionable is in bad taste usually has little effect, but educating her sense of the artistic in dress will undermine her fondness for extremes. The question of becomingness should, of course, 327 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS be taken into consideration, but there is a line which, if passed, shows a desire to attract attention that is a repulsive trait in a young girl. " She should be as dainty as a picture, as lovely as a poem." This old world has its ideals, and she is one. The grace of unconsciousness makes her more charming than faultless apparel. Let her not " prink " in the dressing-room at a ball, but having given the necessary attention to every detail at home, she should forget all about her clothes. To athletics is accorded the credit of P r m effecting a reform in dress which eccen- tric and well-meaning women tried in vain to accomplish. The masculine touch is sometimes overdone. The mode of dress seems occasionally to affect the behavior, and a girl in the freedom of a short skirt sometimes assumes attitudes that make even that seem superfluous. The " out-door " woman is nevertheless a very likable creature, and a distinct improvement on the early- Victorian young lady with her " vapors " and affectation of delicacy. When women are invited to drive on a coach during a park parade whether matrons or maid- Dress for ens > or i' 1 a smart cart with horses har- driving and nessed tandem, or with a single horse coaching w j t ^ g room j n attendance they may wear either light gowns and flower-wreathed hats (carrying a driving-coat in case of mud) or tailor- 328 WOMEN'S DRESS made costumes with hats that require no attention to remain in place and which shade the eyes, ob- viating the need of a parasol that blots out the view of one's immediate neighbor or neighbors. For driving and coaching trips we now imitate the good sense and practical utility of English- women's dress, no gauze parasols, no dainty fur- belows, but garments that fear neither sun, rain, nor dust. A driving-coat, covert jacket, or golf- cape ; a hat without feathers, that will stay on, defying wind and weather; a small parasol that will shade one's eyes without imperilling those of one's neighbor, is an ideal outfit for a drive. For riding, the fashionable habit is of very dark cloth, blue, green, black or Oxford mixture, made severely plain. The skirt is short and scant, just covering the wearer's feet when in the saddle. When not mounted, she loops the train on a button at the back, which gives the skirt the appearance of an ordinary walking-gown. In front, it clears the ground by two inches. A close-fitting waist of goods match- ing the skirt, buttoning high, and opening with small revers to show a stock of white pique, may be worn. Many prefer, however, a single-breasted jacket long enough over the hips to almost touch the saddle and cut away in front, which is worn over a waistcoat or flannel blouse waist. In sum- mer it is worn over a shirt waist or discarded alto- gether. Trousers are worn under the skirt, and easy laced shoes or boots of patent or soft-finished 329 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS leather. A Derby hat, or a sailor in the country in summer, loose supple dogskin gloves and a crop or a " whangee " (a flexible reed, often tipped with silver) complete the costume of the modern equestrienne. The horsewoman in town, if she passes through the streets to take horse at a distance from home, wears a loose raglan or box-shaped coat of tan or gray cloth over her habit, that covers her from neck to heels. A mackintosh cut on the same lines is useful for wear in bad weather for a woman who follows the hounds. For hunting, a woman's habit is the same as for a ride in the park. In the country in hot weather a serge or light covert cloth skirt, with a shirt waist and sailor hat, is the sensible and com- fortable outfit now universally accepted by those who ride often. The hair is worn low and securely fastened. No jewelry but a scarf-pin and sleeve- links is admissible. For golf, the regulation attire is a short cloth skirt reaching to the instep, flannel waist, jacket of scarlet or green cloth with collar and buttons of the club colors, and soft felt Alpine hat with scarf and long quill. For summer, a duck skirt and shirt waist, with straw sailor or Alpine hat of stitched duck with scarf and quill or pompon, and chamois gloves buttoned on the back of the hand. Russet shoes with hobnails or bits of rubber on the soles are worn to avoid slipping. 33 WOMEN'S DRESS For bicycling, a short skirt of double-faced cloth requiring no lining, with jacket of covert, is worn with a flannel or shirt waist, according , ., . Dress for to the season, or the entire costume is t . , , the wheel made of the same cloth including the Tyrolese hat with cock feather at the side. Some prefer skirts of duck or heavy linen for summer. For rainy days, girls are adopting the sensible fashion of wearing their golf skirts. For travel- ling nothing is better than a costume r t u ui Dress for of serge or other serviceable woollen stormy goods, tailor-made. The hat should weather, be chosen with discretion. A becoming steamer one gives a woman a distinct moral , travelling support. It should be small, that the brim may not catch in the wind, and without feath- ers that fear dampness or flowers that fade in the sunshine. An ulster and soft hat are best for steamer wear, with calfskin boots or rubber-soled russet ones. At hotel tables a gentlewoman, when travelling- dresses so as to attract no attention. Nothing bizarre, no exaggeration of the prevailing mode, should be worn. In summer young women live almost exclu- sively in shirt-waists and duck or pique skirts, with sailor, Panama, or Alpine hats. These gowns are changed for the after- summer noon or evening for those of sheer nain- sook, organdie, batiste, foulard, veiling, and plain or dotted Swiss muslins, and when tastefully made 33i ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS are appropriately worn with flower-trimmed Leg- horn hats, for visiting, garden parties, or luncheons. White gowns are much worn at church, with hats that are tasteful but inconspicuous. Chamois gloves are popular for ordinary use, but many discard gloves altogether, except for church or dressy occasions comfort versus conventionality. It is an old saying that a lady may be known by her gloves and shoes. Cheap finery and false jewelry are the acme of vulgarity, and deceive no one, except possibly while their very ephemeral newness lasts. False pretences to wealth are almost as bad as false pretences to beauty, and no woman of refine- ment need be told that the use of cosmetics would subject her to nothing less than contempt. To impecunious women the suggestion may not be amiss, that bonnets and gowns may be bought Sugges- l ate m the season at good houses, after tions for serving as models, that earlier would economy j iave cost p ron ibjti ve prices. In buy- ing colored things it is economy to buy always the same shade of a color, the " left-overs " are more available, but black and white are always ser- viceable. Where one black gown has to play many r61es, two bonnets very unlike worn with it de- flect suspicion of its protean character. It is a growing fashion for young women to wear low-necked gowns in the evenings. Comfort com- mends it. The materials are usually plain or flow- ered organdies, Swiss muslin worn over different 332 WOMEN'S DRESS colors, or silk skirts with chiffon waists. Simple ball gowns have renewed opportunities of usefulness. Older women wear foulards, canvas, nun's veil- ing, nainsook, and dimity in the morning; grena- dine, China crepe, summer silks, and Dress for black net gowns in the evening. For elderly church and visiting, a simple or a dressy w men hat makes a difference of attire with these same gowns. Elderly women, to whom it is no longer possible to attract by any charm of person, may yet be pleasing if they are, in their dress, always exquisitely neat. Their dressing-tables should be placed in a good light. Her head-gear is the most important part of a woman's street costume. In choosing a hat, a woman should stand where she can see her whole figure in a glass and use a triple mirror, that she may see herself at different angles. A bonnet should be worn with a cape, a hat with a jacket. Ruskin asks, " Why should we wear black for the guests of God? " Mourning, however, is worn not only as an expression of grief, but as a protection when one would escape obser- M urmn & . , . ... dress vation, as though it rendered one invisi- ble. It should therefore be severely plain and exquisitely neat, not betraying over-much interest in style and cut. A widow in her first year of mourning wears woollen or silk-warp fabrics, trimmed deeply with cr6pe or with folds of the material, and for the 333 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS street a jacket of cloth or of goods matching the A widow's gown, a crpe bonnet, with tiny white mourning ruche, if desired, a very long crpe garb ve jj^ an( j sug-de gloves. All black furs are worn. In the house some wear white collars and cuffs of hem-stitched organdie. In summer a widow wears nun's veiling, China crpe, Brussels net, and black pique or white lawn with black ribbons in the morning. For the first three months the veil is worn over the face, but cr^pe is so injurious to eyes weak- ened by weeping that many wear a face-veil of tulle or net, edged with crpe, with the long veil thrown back. In summer and for common use silk veiling may replace crpe. During the second year the widow's cap is left off and the veil short- ened. The third year lustreless silk is worn, crpe is discarded, and much is left to the option of the wearer. Some widows wear mourning but two years, lightening at intervals of six months. Elderly women often continue to wear black always. For parents, grown children, brothers and sis- ters, mourning is worn for two years, differing Mourning however in degree. For parents and for children the veil is worn for a year, for brothers and sisters six months is the usual period, and the garments would be plainer in the former case than in the other. Many wear plain black and no veil from the first. Especially do young girls omit the veil and 334 WOMEN'S DRESS wear crpe toques or black straw hats trimmed with crpe or chiffon, with cloth, serge, or Henri- etta gowns for six months, and a touch of white after that. A bunch of fresh violets confers a certain distinc- tion to a woman's dress, and especially to mourning. Children under twelve years of age are rarely dressed in mourning unless for a parent, when black sashes are worn with white mourning frocks, and gray replaces other colors. For a child, parents wear mourning a year ; for an infant, simple black, relieved with white, gray, or lilac, for three months. Where there are Parents ' young children in the family, mourning mourning should be lightened as soon as would for , , children be seemly. For relations not of the immediate family, mourning is optional, but black may Mourning be worn for six months, and black and for white for the remainder of the year. Theoretically, mourning is assumed for one's relations-in-law, the same as for one's Mourning own relatives, but practically feeling and dress for circumstances have much to do with relations- , in-law its degree. A bride, if married during her first year of mourning, resumes it after the cere- A bride's mony, but usually lightens it. mourning As mourning is discarded, the models of the gowns become more dressy until every- Discarding thing but colors is worn. mourning 335 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS Complimentary mourning is worn three months. Almost anything if black except velvet and ostrich feathers is suitable. It is in good taste to wear black or dark gowns and gloves at funerals. We seem thereby to asso- ciate ourselves with the sorrow of those f . to whom we have come out of respect and sympathy. The highest principles are not too high for the guidance of our most trivial acts. 336 Chapter Twenty -second MEN'S DRESS AND DEPORTMENT )VERY young man starting in life, and naturally desiring the recog- nition of his right to be a member of that vast conglomerate known as society, is confronted with certain problems. His dress, deportment, his behavior towards women, and his bearing towards his fellow- men are so many tests by which the world will judge him. Familiarity with the prevailing standards of etiquette gives a man a distinct advantage, and he who " knows that he knows " is at ease and con- forms automatically to social requirement. None can be perfect in deportment who has to stop to consider how things ought to be done. If a man be a gentleman at heart, the outward polish is easily acquired ; between manners and morals the tie is intimate. A true gentleman is simple, unpretending, nat- ural. He is courteous, unselfish, considerate, and has the personal dignity that comes of vvhat con- self-respect, not self-consciousness. He stitutes a treats every woman as a lady, speaks well gentleman of others, and recognizes hospitality as a mutual obligation. 22 337 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS Proper dress being one of the evidences of good breeding, a man should observe certain rules, A man's which, though few in number, are thor- proper oughly well defined, and apply to man- dress kj nc | m general, from the age of eighteen to the allotted threescore and ten. Aside from special costumes for various sports and pastimes, there are three rules of dress, morning, afternoon, and evening. These might be resolved into two, morning and evening, since afternoon dress is called for only on special occasions. Morning dress is worn at any time or place, until dark, where formal dress is not required, and in winter consists usually of an entire Morning . . dress SU1 ^ * tweed, homespun, or cheviot, called in England "dittoes," from being all of the same material, made with lounge or sacque coat, or a cutaway or morning coat and waistcoat of vicuna or other dark goods, with trousers of a quiet pattern. A colored shirt with white standing or all around turned-down collar, and cuffs of the material of the shirt, is worn, and any tie of the prevailing mode. The waist- coat, cut high, shows little of the shirt. A Derby or Alpine hat, stout shoes, and heavy dogskin gloves complete the costume. In summer suits of flannel, serge, light tweed, and cheviot are worn. The flannel and serge suits are made with sacque coats, the tweeds with either sacque or cutaway coats. With the latter linen or 338 MEN'S DRESS A N D D E F O R T M E N T duck waistcoats are thought to emphasize the effect of neatness, so inseparable from a well- dressed man. Colored shirts with white collars are worn, and tan or russet shoes, or white, with white trousers. A straw or light soft felt hat is the appropriate head gear. In the country one may wear knickerbockers with sacque coat of same material, or black sacque coat with cap like the trousers, as well as an entire suit of flannel, serge, or tweed. So attired, a man may play golf or tennis, drive, row, or pay a morning call. For church he should wear a frock or morning coat and a high hat. After church he may change, if he please, to a suit of dittoes. The English proverb, attributed to Beau Nash, says, "A gentleman is known by his linen." When that is irreproachable, a man fresh from the matu- tinal tub, with sleek, well-groomed head, hands and nails cared for, clothes well brushed, and shining boots, has an air of smartness that makes clothes of modish cut seem of secondary im- portance. In summer morning dress is allowable all day, but for calling or informal social occasions white duck or linen or striped flannel trousers with black or blue serge or cheviot coat and waist- coat are often substituted for the frock coat. The favorite summer overcoat has been a covert coat, with which a Derby is worn, never a top- hat. 339 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS Afternoon dress is worn at weddings, for bride- groom, ushers, and guests, at church, afternoon teas, garden parties, receptions, for walks Afternoon dress on fashionable thoroughfares, and at all functions between noon and evening. It consists of a double-breasted frock-coat and waist- coat of vicuna, soft cheviot, or whatever black- goods is in vogue, or a waistcoat of white duck or pique, single or double breasted, with trousers of some quiet-toned striped material, patent-leather buttoned shoes, white shirt with standing or all around turned-down collar, four-in-hand or Ascot tie, dogskin gloves, and silk hat. A walking-stick and boutonniere add a touch of distinction. With afternoon dress some men wear colored shirts with white collars and cuffs, but it is not in the best taste. Nothing is so unstable as fashion, but at present men find the Raglan overcoat the best for general comfort, wear, and tear. In business hours and on business thoroughfares, if a man carry a stick, it would be regarded as an affectation, but with after- noon dress, or in the morning when going for a walk, it is in keeping. A tightly rolled umbrella replaces it upon occasion. Evening dress is the proper attire for all occa- sions after dark, balls, dances, opera, theatre, evening calls in town and country, Evening . . J dress winter and summer. It consists of a " swallow-tail " coat, low-cut waistcoat, and trousers of fine worsted or vicuna, the coat 34 MEN'S DRESS AND DEPORTMENT with or without silk or satin facing, the trousers usually with a braid down the sides. The waist- coat may also be of duck or pique, double- breasted and cut low in the form of a U. The tie should be of white lawn or linen, absolutely fresh and newly tied in a bow not too large. Ready- made ties are recognizable at a glance, and con- sidered very bad form. No jewelry is visible but the shirt studs of white enamel, dull gold, or pearls, and the sleeve-links of dull gold with monogram or white enamel. The watch when worn is at- tached to a gold key-chain and concealed in the pocket. The chain is attached to the suspender, or two chains are worn ; from one hangs the watch, from the other the keys. The greater portion of the chains and their appendages are concealed in the trousers pocket. A watch-chain is worn by the elder men, if the links are small and the whole effect very inconspicuous, while some wear a fob of broad black ribbon, with a seal at the end and a buckle in the middle to brighten it up a bit. Patent-leather pumps and black silk stockings only are worn with evening clothes. Gardenias or welded white pinks are the favorite button- hole flowers. The overcoat is a Raglan of some black worsted goods, preferably like that of the evening clothes, but heavier, made with velvet collar, or a large, loose coat, fur-lined, with either of which a crush or opera hat is worn. An or- dinary black overcoat with silk hat may be worn with evening clothes as well. 34i ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS A dining-jacket, or " Tuxedo," of satin-faced vicuna low-cut waistcoat, and trousers to match Informal with white shirt and black tie, is the evening informal evening dress. It is worn at home, for the family dinner, when giv- ing or attending a very informal dinner among relatives or intimate friends, at a stag-dinner, at the theatre unless with a theatre party, and at other times in the winter season when the occa- sion is not formal, and ladies are not of the company. In summer, when the exigencies of dress are somewhat relaxed to suit hot-weather feelings, a dinner-jacket is permissible at func- tions that in winter would demand formal dress. It is, however, a safe rule to follow, whenever a man is in doubt which of the two to wear, to give the preference to the coat. For an informal dinner or tea on Sunday even- ing, the dinner jacket is often preferred to formal evening dress, and where one is on very intimate footing and a man is sure that his host will not wear evening clothes, a cutaway or frock coat is admissible. The top-hat, with which we are so familiar and which still confers the necessary distinction to a man's formal dress, is spoken of in a letter written by a woman in Paris to her friend, during Na- poleon's Consulate, in the following terms: "The latest things for gentlemen are the high hats. These are tall cylinders of black felt, smooth as mirrors, and look exactly like chimney-pots. I 342 MEN'S DRESS AND DEPORTMENT really thought I must be at a masquerade. The hatter Thierry is his name who invented them made a wager that he would introduce the very most absurd shape imaginable, and it would be- come fashionable. And he won the wager, for these tall black pillars are now quite ' de rigueur ' with the exquisites." A high hat should never be worn with any tailless coat; so with a dinner jacket a black soft hat is the proper one in winter and a straw one in summer. A Tuxedo may be worn on the street without an overcoat, while formal evening dress exacts that one be carried over the arm, if not worn. White dogskin or kid are the gloves preferred for balls, operas, and theatre parties, though some wear pale gray kid. White gloves are not allow- able by daylight, except at weddings. Diamonds are relegated to " showy " persons not recognized as gentlefolk. They are admissible only when, very small, they are set in scarf-pins as auxiliaries to something else. Rings are worn only on the little ringer. Seal-rings are preferred to others. The best dressed men are only conspic- uous because of the extreme quietness of their attire and an almost entire absence of jewelry. The Tuxedo has solved the question of evening dress for youths. From fourteen to Youths' eighteen they wear dinner-jackets, with evening black dress trousers and waistcoats, dress black satin ties, patent-leather pumps, and black 343 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS silk stockings, for evening affairs and at the play. Before that age they wear Eton jackets, knicker- bockers, and large round collars with black ties for evening dress. For cycling and general country sports, men Sporti wear knickerbocker suits of tweed, Nor- dress folk or short jackets, heavy ribbed golf cycling stockings, stout russet laced shoes, and cloth caps or soft felt Homburg hats. " R. & S." coats (Road and Sporting) are made with very full skirts, which may be drawn over the knees when driving, and the sleeves are so lined that loose folds of the silk are held by an elastic about the wrist and prevent the air blowing up the sleeve. For boating expeditions or yachting parties, blue serge sacque coat, duck trousers, white canvas shoes, and a yachting cap make an ac ting attractive costume; and although real dress yachtsmen pay little attention to such details, yet, as has been suggested, a man need be none the less a good sailor because he looks trim and natty while " hauling aft the main-brace and shivering his timbers." A word anent bathing suits. Why cannot a man wear a fairly decent garment when bathing, instead of the sleeveless, almost backless, gar- men * ^at is now so generally affected? If a man cannot swim with a sleeve that covers his shoulder, he should give up bathing in company that includes women. 344 MEN'S DRESS AND DEPORTMENT Golf has become so common an amusement that the golfer has settled down to the uniform cos- tume, or to one which is simply " mufti," or general lounge-suits of light flannel Dres ^ for golf with long trousers and " negligee" shirts. At club matches, however, the dress is more for- mal, and the coat of golfing "pink" as it is the fashion to call scarlet or green is worn with club buttons and knickerbockers of homespun or rough Scotch goods, with " quarter cuffs " of box cloth. The golf waistcoat is single-breasted, and usually of a rather violent pattern and color when worn with a sacque coat matching the trousers. Fashions vary so, no hard-and-fast rules can be given. The proper attire for a horseman consists of full riding breeches, usually of whipcord, and boots, or heavy boxcloth or leather leggings, but- toned up the front of the leg from ankle J 1 ing dress to knee, a high waistcoat, and cutaway coat with short tails, white stock tie, heavy-laced shoes, riding gloves, and a Derby or Alpine hat. The suit may be all of one color, or a dark coat may be worn with gray waistcoat and trousers. A Norfolk jacket is sometimes worn, with which riding boots are " de rigueur." A riding crop with plain bone handle is carried. Men past their first youth often prefer to wear long trousers, with straps un- der the foot to keep them in place. A high silk hat or Derby is appropriately worn with this costume. For hunting, a man may choose between his ordinary riding dress, full hunting costume, or a 345 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS compromise between the two. A man who hunts but occasionally may prefer to wear a black cut- away coat, riding breeches of white leather or wash goods, riding boots with white or tan tops, white stock, silk hat, dogskin gloves, and carry a hunting crop with long lash. The full huntsman's costume includes white leather riding breeches, short-waisted tail coat, double or single breasted, of either hunting pink or green, with short skirts, black varnished leather boots, white waistcoat and stock, and top hat. He carries a hunting crop. For driving, there is less punctilio. The whip on the box-seat of a coach usually wears a suit of gray tweed with gray high hat, or if the nving wea ^-j ler permits, a top coat, which is usually of tan or gray cloth, box-shaped, the hat matching in general tone. In midsummer he may wear a soft felt hat, or even a panama, with a suit of light wool dittoes. The men of the party follow the same general rule. A comfortable dress for summer driving is a dark serge coat with white linen or striped flannel trousers, with straw or panama hat, dogskin gloves, and russet shoes. For steamer wear, old travellers generally wear old clothes. A warm lounge suit, or heavy tweed knickerbocker suit, with a soft felt or rave mg H om b ur cr hat, loose doeskin gloves, and dress easy broad-soled russet shoes, makes a comfortable " steamer rig." In cold weather an ulster will be needed. For late dinner on board 346 MEN'S DRESS AND DEPORTMENT ship, a black cutaway coat, with fresh linen, is usually thought sufficient preparation for the occa- sion. For railway travel, a suit of tweeds, with colored shirt, white collar, soft felt Alpine hat, tan or gray reindeer or suede gloves, and russet shoes will make one presentable, if combined with scrupu- lous neatness. The figure of the man of to-day is slim, athletic, but not burly. His shoulders are broad (padding has been done away with), his limbs are sturdy, and he affects a quick, brisk walk. Anglomaniacs lengthen the step to a pronounced stride. All live much in the open air, and clothes are worn easier, looser, and more comfortable than heretofore. In these days our knightliest knights, however, are far more luxurious than the dames of olden time. It is a period of aesthetic athletes. Whatever be one's fortune, if one has not learned habits of neatness and order, one will never be well dressed. To have good clothes, one The care of must know how to take care of them, , ,. clothes spare the brush and spoil the clothes. Young men with money to waste may have valets, but an able-bodied man, with a serviceable pair of hands and a conscience, may spend twenty min- utes a day in caring for his clothes, and find other and worthier ways to spend his money than for expensive servants and their many perquisites. The French have a saying, " One is soon dressed in old clothes when one has only new 347 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS ones." There are occasions when old clothes well-kept and neat are a greater evidence of re- spectability and of " savoir vivre " than new ones, however irreproachable. A man's The first thing noted about a man, social however unconsciously to the observer, deportment j s hJs appearance . the next> his de _ portment. Society asks little of a young man except to behave well. If he be manly in looks, if he has a good manner, is civil to his elders, if he has any little gift of entertaining, any " parlor tricks," if he sends a few flowers occasionally, looks pleas- ant, and is polite, his way will be smooth to success, always providing that he is really a gentleman. Manner is much more subtle than manners. Manners may take on a fine polish, but manner is the unconscious expression of one's inner self, one's own personality. If a man goes at all into society, he is expected to be punctilious in all the small social observ- ances, with the conformity that comes of habit. He should answer all invitations within twenty- four hours after their receipt, and be able to write a presentable note. A call after every civility received is the proper courtesy. The details of calling etiquette have been discussed in a former chapter. As society is chiefly managed by women, it is with a man's relations with them that he has prin- cipally to concern himself. 348 MEN'S DRESS AND DEPORTMENT Gentlemen never smoke in the presence of ladies, unless by special permission. When a man accompanies a lady on the street, he, as a rule, takes the outer side of the walk. It represents his protection. He never joins her on a thorough- fare unless the friendship be an established one, and only with her permission. Nor will he stand and converse with her, or enter a church or shop with her, but at her invitation if she has permitted him to join her. If he is smoking (which he will not do on a fashionable thoroughfare), he will of course throw away cigar or cigarette before ad- dressing her. It is provincial to walk " sand- wiched " between two women, to stare, or look after any one that has passed. A gentleman al- ways acknowledges a woman's recognition whether he recalls her face or not. In public conveyances a man does not pay a woman's fare unless he is her escort, except in an emergency, when he should ask the permission as a privilege. When speaking to a lady at her carriage door or elsewhere in the open, he removes his hat, re- places it slowly, raising it again upon leaving her with special deference, or he may resume it only at her bidding. The " ceremony of the hat " has been treated of in the chapter on Salutations. A gentleman always assists a woman in and out of a carriage or public conveyance, opens the door of the vehicle, and while helping her in, deftly protects her skirts from contact with the wheel. He aids her to alight by giving her his hand, the 349 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS muscles of the arm held firm and rigid meanwhile, so as to give her real support. When a man drives with a lady not of his family, in a four-seated carriage, he takes his place with his back to the horses, and waits her invitation before sitting at her side. Should the carriage stop to take in another woman, he of course de- scends and assists her to enter and, if for any reason the lady within wishes to speak to a friend whom she sees in passing, he must again descend and stand aside by the open door until the ladies part, when he raises his hat, gives the order to the coachman, and closes the door behind him. When arrived at the lady's house, he assists her to alight, walks up the steps with her, rings the bell, never going in, of course, unless invited. If he leaves her in a carriage, he closes the door of the vehicle, gives directions to the coachman ignoring the groom, if there be one, and raises his hat to the lady before turning away. The neces- sary etiquette, when a man is himself the whip, to be observed when driving with a woman comes under the head of Sporting Etiquette, hereinafter considered. Men raise their hats to each other if any trifling service is shown to a woman in their charge. If the courtesy be the yielding of a seat, a gentleman will not seat himself when opportunity offers, while the obliging stranger stands, but calls the latter's attention to the vacant place if he be unobservant of it. 350 MEN'S DRESS AND DEPORTMENT A man precedes a woman in entering a theatre or public place. In a church the woman goes first. He may precede her up a public staircase, but in a private house, in ascending and descend- ing, he follows. If a man is invited to dine and " go on " after- ward to ball or opera, his hostess and her guests are entitled to his special attention. His conduct at opera and theatre has already been considered. An escort should always be punctual. To keep a lady waiting is very bad form. Young men and women walk together in the day- time, but if they ride or drive in company, a groom should be in attendance. A man's proper atten- tions to a woman when riding with her will be considered in the chapter treating of Sporting Etiquette. In a restaurant or hotel dining-room, if a lady bows to a man, he rises slightly from his seat when making the acknowledgment. When he is with a party, if a lady with her escort stops to speak to his friends, he rises and remains standing until she passes on. He also rises if a man is introduced to him, even when with a stag party. When a man opens a door in a public place for a lady to whom he is a stranger, he holds it open with one hand while he lifts his hat with the other, and pauses for her to pass through first, looking at her but casually. A deferential manner pays better compliments than explicit language. Avoid a parade of gal- 35' ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS lantry. A well-bred man does not compromise a girl, or make her unduly conspicuous by over- attention, nor shun one with whom he is thrown because she does not attract him. He should be courteous to all alike. A good deal of devotion is allowed, but let a man remember that it may be checked later, and keep himself well in hand. There is a type of girl who looks into every man's face as though he were the only living being that she can trust. Many love-worthy girls are unfortunate in their bringing up. Be man enough to defend such, even against yourself. We may assume that Americans need little tutor- ing in chivalry towards women, feeling honor themselves the more stringently bound by the very freedom accorded them. A manly man will never keep a compromising letter, especially from a woman. Time and cir- cumstances often change a silly girl into a noble woman, to whom such a " hand-writing against her" would be an injustice. Avoid, when possible, any money transactions with women. They are always somewhat embarrassing. A man, who has any claim to the name of gen- tleman never bows to a woman from a club- window, and ladies' names are there by common consent omitted from the conversation. Any act of courtesy is never a prelude to an acquaintance with an unescorted woman. A man, when with a lady, never recognizes ac- quaintances who seem to be in doubtful company. 352 MEN'S DRESS AND DEPORTMENT To those unfortunates who are shy and self- distrustful there is little use in telling them to be self-forgetful, the effort to forget self reminds one of self. The only cure is who ig sh to so fill the thoughts with others that self will be crowded out. Fortunately the stillness of form, the quiet pose that we notice in the English, is the fashion, and it is more easily imi- tated by a bashful person than the perfect ease of those happy souls who are unconscious of their bodies. Restlessness is an enemy of good form, and a loud laugh and an over-vivacious manner proclaim the nervousness that one seeks to hide. Gesticu- lation is out of fashion. Composure is thought to be high-bred ; " the more manner, the less manners." A man's breeding is revealed not less by his conversation than in his appearance and deport- ment. To converse is, of course, to A man's interchange thoughts, but in society conversa- the talk is necessarily fragmentary and disconnected, and one needs to cultivate readiness of speech and a quick and flexible intelligence rather than to aim at anything more ambitious. The Socratic wisdom of knowing one's own ignorance is a valuable acquisition. Genuine ex- cellence is never compelled to assert itself, and the more simple, natural, and kindly a man shows himself, the more will he multiply his friends. To hear a woman drag into her conversation the 2 3 353 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS names of her desirable acquaintances makes her appear contemptible and silly, but a man who poses for a fashionable exclusive is unpar- donable. Money is never talked of in polite society; it is taken for granted. Never ask questions about persons present, nor discuss them. Do not dilate to one woman about the charms of another, and to speak in disparage- ment of one is less damaging to her than to yourself. Sometimes slang is droll and picturesque, but it is eschewed in society, and the habit makes one feel inexpressive without it. Profanity is a phase of vulgarity happily obsolete. A well-modulated voice is said to testify to a strain of good blood in the speaker's ancestry. Be receptive, giving others the first opportunity to talk of what interests them. Do not try too hard to be entertaining. The effort sometimes defeats its object. Accident often favors one. Put con- viction into your talk. You cannot warm the interest of others if there is no fire in your own heart. The simplest terms are fashionable, a reaction against affectation. A man who owns a yacht speaks of his " boat," and asks people to go "sailing," never "yachting." Avoid provincial- ism. Never call women by their Christian names in mixed assemblages, nor speak of a married woman but as " Mrs. ." 354 MEN'S DRESS AND DEPORTMENT If a bachelor show some little hospitality, it advances him much in favor. If he has attractive rooms or anything to show, he may . e ir. The bache- give an inlormal afternoon tea or a. lor as host chafing-dish supper. Simplicity is in order. A bachelor's entertainment is usually re- garded in the light of a frolic, and his efforts indulgently considered. The occasion may be only an excuse, but a new suite of rooms may furnish the pretext for a house- warming at an afternoon tea, and many obligations be pleasantly met. An after " a J > noon tea In every case where a bachelor is the host and both sexes are invited, a chaperon is a necessity, preferably a married kinswoman of the young man. The invitations may be sent a week in advance for the "tea," and if the name of the chaperon be deftly introduced, it gives assurance that the host knows and respects the conventions. One room should be reserved as a cloak room for the ladies. The others are made bright with a few flowers, and the tea-service, with dainty sandwiches, bonbons, cakes, etc., is placed in the dining-room or in the " den " on a small table, at which the chaperon or a young relative of the host presides. One clever servant may wait upon the door and the tea- table, for such a gathering is usually a merry one, and all are willing to serve themselves and each other. The guests, when taking leave of the host and 355 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS the chaperon, express their pleasure, but he must thank them for coming and show his gratification. Should the chaperon be of his own family, a higher law than convention tells him what at- tention he owes her. If not, he should see her to her carriage for of course no guests remain when she leaves or he may see her home, and should shortly afterward call in person to repeat his thanks for her kind offices. A bachelor dinner, luncheon, or supper party is conducted in the same manner as that given by a Bachelor hostess in her own house. If women dinners, are among the guests, a chaperon must etc- be present, to whom all are introduced and who is treated with special consideration by the host. He seats her at his right at table, unless she is a relative, when she takes the foot of the table. The chaperon gives the signal to withdraw, and the men join them after a very few moments. Any social affair that takes place in a studio is sure to find favor. There is an air of romance A studio aDOUt an artist's workshop, and the entertain- Bohemian flavor appeals to the love of ment novelty. The furnishings are generally artistic, the rooms small and cosey, which makes an attractive setting, and the atmosphere is sympathetic. Music that elsewhere might seem commonplace falls upon appreciative ears, and if an author can be induced to read some yet unpublished sketch or story, 356 MEN'S DRESS AND DEPORTMENT his audience will give him a flattering hearing if he read it well. These subjects come properly under the head of Sports, and are treated of in the chapter de- voted to their discussion. Those to whom Fortune has not been so in- yac htmff dulgent as to make a yacht one of their boating, and possessions may content themselves bicycling with more simple attentions and per- haps give and get as much pleasure. In summer a man may hire or borrow a boat, if he can sail one, and have luncheon or afternoon tea on board. Opportunities come to those who are on the alert for them. A bachelor may live where he likes N or where he can without loss of social position, if he be- long to one good club, which he may perhaps use only for the address on his cards and note- paper. Theatre parties are the favorite entertainments of bachelor hosts in winter, though they are undeniably an expensive form of hospi- tality; but one a season, given to spe- cial friends or to those to whom a man is under obligations may not put too severe a strain upon his resources. They have been de- scribed in detail elsewhere. A man may send, if he choose, a bouquet to his cotillion partner, a box of cut flowers to his hostess, a large bunch of violets upon some special occa- sion, and may show little kind attentions and evi- 357 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS dences of a desire to please her. A new book or piece of music, a present of game if he is a sports- man, are always appreciated, and a box Sm . of bonbons for his hostess when visit- attentions ing at a country house is welcome. Extravagant expenditure does not inspire confi- dence. Beyond flowers, bonbons, a book, or some such trifle, a gentlewoman accepts no gifts from men. It is hard to be a business man all day and a society man all night. The best manner of judging of the worth of amusements is to test them by their effect upon the nerves and spirits the next day. Recreation ought to be what the word indicates, something that refreshes, and gives cheerfulness and alacrity to our return to duty. " I subtract from the sum of pleasure," said Mod- eration, " to increase the remainder." " Meet the world with a friendly face and it will smile back at you, but do not ask of it what it has not to give, or attribute to its verdicts more importance than they deserve." 358 Chapter SATION conversation bears so important a part in social intercourse that some attempt toward it is made whenever we meet our fellows, it is strange that we are not all more proficient. It has been suggested that we have reason to be grateful that we have a few conversational formulae, to be used under certain circumstances, such as " How do you do? " " Good-bye," " Thank you," " You are very kind," " I should be delighted." Fancy the mental strain, if, instead of these, we had to invent some new combination of words to suit each occasion ! The charm of agreeable conversation is appre- ciated by all, while its cultivation is within the reach of each, and we may be our own tutors. Nothing so quickly opens hospitable doors, and in its influ- ence it may be an evangel. One of its essentials is a well-modulated voice, which always seems a distinguishing r J , 6 Someofthe mark of gentlehood. Much has been essent i a i s said about our high-pitched voices, but of good it will bear reiteration, since it is in our con y ersa ~ power to change them. All feel the charm- of the softly musical voices of English- 359 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS women. They are like some sweet-toned bell, while a few among us recall the " ear-piercing fife." A gentleman, upon escaping from the infliction of such an one, quoted to his friend, " And silence like a poultice comes To heal the blows of sound ! " We should aim too to speak our language in its purity "English undefined " and with clear, clean-cut enunciation. There is a cosmopolitan language spoken among educated people every- where, " their speech bewrayeth them." By it we judge their culture, their refinement, their social position. Provincialisms and slang are not less a revelation of the absence of these advantages. The subject suggests Coleridge's well-known story of the stranger at a dinner who passed for a dignified and worthy personage until his pleasure at the excellence of the dumplings caused him to break the silence that had won him the reputation of wisdom by exclaiming, " Them 's the jockeys for me ! " No matter what his moral character, whether saint or hero, his mental calibre, his rus- ticity of breeding stood confessed. In cases less extreme the influence would be as conclusive. None should be able to tell by accent or intona- tion from what part of the country we come. The French know their language so thoroughly that they use it with the precision and sensitiveness with which a cultivated musician plays upon his instrument. English is more comprehensive, 360 CONVERSATION and well selected it can fitly express any mood and meet every requirement, but few of us know its resources and have them at command. Entertaining conversation is not alone dependent upon a well-stored mind, a ready wit, or broad culture. It lays under contribution charm in qualities of heart as well as head, and conversa- should reveal sincerity, sympathy, and tlon simplicity. We must feel an interest in our sub- ject before we can inspire it in others, and enthu- siasm is contagious when it is sincere. It gives animation to the face, vivacity to the manner, and has a thought-compelling power that aids fluency of expression. This and the gushing exuberance that speaks only in superlatives are " many miles asunder." Sympathy and adaptability are created in a measure by the desire to please; but one must be sensitive to the mood of one's audience, and quick to perceive when some one else wishes to speak. There are talkers who, metaphorically, take the bit between their teeth and run away with the subject. When they finally cease, no one has anything to say, despairing of opportunity. Unselfishness lies at the root of sympathy. Without simplicity, no conversation has charm. The moment we perceive that it is labored, or that the speaker seems to calculate the effect of his words, if unnecessary mention is made of desirable acquaintances, or there is a display of attainments or mock-innocent vaunting of advantages, that 361 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS moment do we see through the " pose," and feel only contempt for the affectation and pretence. Truth has a marvellous power of making itself felt in spite of what is said. Self-consciousness is but egotism under a less severe name, and self must be forgotten before we can add to our speech the grace and dignity of simplicity. The subjects of interesting conversation are, of course, multiplied by increased knowledge of Subjects books, of the world of men and women, of con- music, art, and travel. One should be versation f am jij ar w ith the current news of the day and the topics occupying public attention, with the names and authors of the new books, and be able to say something worth hearing about what one has read and heard. Many get no farther in speaking of a book than that it is dull or inter- esting. Others give in few words what seem to be its central ideas, its characteristics, the time and scene of its action, quoting perhaps some senti- ment that has impressed or witticism that has pleased. One's conversation may become the centre around which one's reading and information are grouped. The habit of memorizing with a definite aim in view, and the consciousness of having something to say, give a sense of power. Practice arouses and strengthens the habit of ready selection and quick and apt application. True culture carries with it an atmosphere of breadth, the world and not the village. A 362 CONVERSATION woman lacking it was said to betray by her con- versation a mind of narrow compass, " bounded on the north by her servants, on the east by her children, on the south by her ailments, and on the west by her clothes"! Some one has said that the three "d's" are not discussed in polite society, dress, domestics, and diseases. The mind grows shallow when perpetually occu- pied with trivialities. A course of solid reading is a good tonic. When ignorant of our ignorance, we do not know when we betray ourselves. It is better to be frankly dull than pedantic. Not exhibition but service is imposed by superior talent or advantages. Some persons give an opinion as though their verdict were absolute and final. Dogmatism has been defined as " puppyism come to maturity." Others hold forth with oracular vagueness, but convey few ideas, as though they were educated above their intelligence. One must guard one's self from the temptation of " talking shop," as the slang of the day ex- presses it, and of riding one's " hobby." Our interest is apt to blind us to the lack of it in others. It comes under the reproach of " bad taste," as does also the retailing of family affairs. The sanctity of home life should be guarded by us with a self-respecting reticence. A bore has been described as " one who talks about himself when you want to talk about your- self." The sarcasm aside, whatever sets one apart 363 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS as a capital " I " should be avoided. Anecdotes that are supposed to be of interest because con- nected with ourselves, should be reserved for our intimates. Our troubles annoy those whom they do not sadden. Let us only pass on pleasant things. A joke or humorous story is dependent upon its freshness for appreciation ; some emo- tions will not bear "warming over." A foreign phrase for which there is no exact equivalent in English seems occasionally to give point, finish, or adornment to a sentence, but one must be wary of assuming that it is untranslatable. It is bad form to use foreign expressions unless they be idiomatic and pronounced with correct accent. It is now a well-substantiated and accepted canon of good form that only pleasant things are to be said of any one. An ill-natured criticism is a social blunder as well as a moral one. "Though we speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, it profiteth us nothing" in good society. Gossip, too, is really going out of fashion. Any one self-convicted hastens to retract whatever Gossip and ma Y gi ve the impression that one has exaggera- indulged in anything so vulgar and tion plebeian. It has a corrective and an inspiring influence to imagine the persons spoken of to be within hearing. Exaggeration is misstatement, which is untruth- fulness. It often does as much harm as a deliberate lie, and is not as honest. 364 CONVERSATION True wit is a gift, not an attainment. Those who use it aright never yield to the temptation of saying anything that can wound another in order to exhibit their own cleverness. It is natural and spontaneous. " Those who run after wit are apt to catch nonsense." Talk that has heartiness in it, and the liveliness and sparkle that come of light-heartedness and innocent gay- ety, is a fairly good substitute for wit. It is a form of influence to pass on in conversa- tion whatever one has read or heard that may be helpful and inspiring to others. Many an important resolve taken in the course a * at i influences of one s life has been greatly influenced by what one has heard in a chance conversation. We may do much in the cause of truth and kindliness without advertising our motive or sounding a trumpet before us. With an art that conceals art, we may lead the conversation away from scandal and innuendo into channels pure and peaceable. " Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh " therefore the source must be right. Fearlessly but never aggressively should we defend our convictions, and " show our colors." Preaching is out of place. Society is not a school, but a playground where people meet to exchange ideas and forget their work and their worries. Most of them have to work hard in some way or other, and need relaxation. The preliminary stages of conversation offer the principal difficulty, " the dread of silence makes 365 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS us mute." The weather seems to have perennial interest. Why may not one treasure a few bits The early ^ Dories apropos of that much-worn stages of topic, to be brought out upon occasion ? conversa- p or instance, some one speaks of the variability of the weather, whereupon one might tell of the lady whose physician advised for her change of climate. " Why, doctor, you forget that I am a New York woman, I never have anything but changes ! " was her rejoinder. At least it is better than mere acquiescence, and when people have laughed together, the ice is broken. It is possible to have at one's tongue's end some trifling things of interest on various subjects, but the supply needs frequent renewal. There are moments when the embarrassment of silence is relieved by the knowledge that noth- ing but the veriest commonplaces are expected. When a hostess has paired her guests before a dinner, and each man seeks the woman assigned Conversa- to hirn> he usually says, " I believe that tion at I am to have the pleasure of taking you dinners j n to dinner," and she has but to bow and smile while accepting his arm, and may say in a voice of perfunctory politeness, " I am very glad," or if she wish to be very complimentary, may venture, " I am fortunate." It is usually the man who takes the initiative and the woman who bears the burden of the conversa- tion. On the way to the dining-room they may improve the occasion or not, as they please. 366 CONVERSATION There is sometimes an awkward pause at the be- ginning of the meal, before the company seem to have adapted themselves to their surroundings and to each other. A hostess blessed with tact will know how to set the ball rolling, perhaps with something of interest treasured for the occasion. Each person at table should endeavor to make himself or herself agreeable to both neighbors, as opportunity serves. General conversation is only possible where there are few present. Talk is usually then at its best and brightest. One with very humble powers, in the colloquial commerce of thought, and when kindled by sympathy with the subject discussed, surprises himself not less than others by unsuspected eloquence. Those who have the reputation of being good talkers must be careful not to overshadow others, if they would give pleasure. A fluent talker is apt to be over-eager to say what he has in mind, and his conversation often becomes a monologue. A pro- fessional talker is a professional bore. At table one should not engross one's neighbor by conversation, however charming, so that he is unable to satisfy his appetite and in some measure to appreciate what his hostess has been at pains to provide. Courtesy excludes the introduction of all subjects calculated to excite heated argu- ment, unpleasant discussion, or anything that may be obnoxious to any one present. Upon the return of the men to the drawing- room to rejoin the ladies there is sometimes an 367 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS awkward moment. A suggestive opening may be to carry on the central idea of the talk just con- cluded in the dining-room. A man may say, " We have been having a most interesting discussion since you left us," and the lady may ask, " What have you men been talking about that called forth such spontaneous laughter ? " It is unnecessary to add that gentlemen do not discuss in the neigh- borhood of ladies matters that could not be repeated in their hearing, and it is a rule that should work both ways. The famous Madame Recamier said that she always found two words sufficed to make her guests feel their welcome. Upon their Compli- arrival she exclaimed " At last ! " and ment when they took leave, she said "Al- ready ? " If taken literally, we should deprecate the flattery. Flattery is insincere praise, and wrongs " him that gives and him that takes." It is sometimes kinder to accept a compliment than to parry it. One may say " Thank you, it is pleasant to be seen through such kind (or partial ) eyes," or, perhaps, " It is a comfort to know that friendship is partly blind as well as the mythological boy," or any nonsense that serves to show that one appreciates the spirit that prompted the kind expressions, however wide of the truth. The frequent repetition of the name of the person addressed holds a subtle compliment, implying more complete concentration of the speaker's thought upon his or her personality. 368 CONVERSATION De Quincey says, " More is done for the benefit of conversation by the simple magic of good manners than by all varieties of intellectual power." It is the sym- Good , ,. listeners pathetic and responsive listeners that call forth the best efforts of a talker. For such are reserved his choicest stories, his finest thoughts. A kindling of the face, a flash of the eye, a ready smile, act as inspiration, and interest shown in the conversation of others stimulates and vivifies their thought. To a good listener the diffident will say what they think and the verbose will think what they say. There is nothing more trying than to find that one's conversation is receiving but a divided attention, and nothing more rude than for a per- son to pick up a book or paper and look over it while pretending to listen to what one is saying. In our whimsical language, accuracy is largely a matter of custom. We instantly assign a low place to those who are guilty of gram- Test matical errors, but we classify one as words and lacking in refined training who would phrases say " I don't know as," " a long ways," " some- wheres." It is the evidence that the speaker has reached a certain grade of cultivation, and no higher. Society has its test words. It is con- sidered provincial to say " depot " for " station," " bureau " for " dressing-table," " store " for " shop." Fruits, nuts, etc., are " dessert ; " sweets are not 24 369 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS "dessert." We refer to our sisters, sweethearts, and wives without the prefix of " Miss " or " Mrs." Lord Roberts, for instance, in his autobiogra- phy says, " I met my fate in the form of Nora Bews." He does not say " Miss Nora," nor does a lady in England ever speak of her husband as " Mr. Smith," any more than she would of her daughter as " Miss Smith," to her friends and equals. She says " my husband," as, of course, she says " my daughter," or calls them by name, and in America we are fast following her example. A man is plain " Smith" to his men friends, and so referred to by them. We used to be much ridi- culed for our exaggeration of modesty in con- versation. An Englishman once told an American girl that he had received a " limb-acy " from an old aunt, seeking to adapt his conversation to his hearer. The Bible word " sick " is only used to express nausea in England, and we too have adopted the word " ill " in its stead. One would-be-elegant young woman in the country asked the writer if she were " sea-ill " on her return voyage ! Phrases that are considered so provincial as to grade the speaker are, " Commend me to your good wife," "Our home is at "" We have company," and to refer to one's relatives as " Cousin Mary," " Uncle John," to strangers, is not in good taste unless with the preface of the personal pronoun followed by the surname, " My uncle, Mr. Jones." 37o CONVERSATION A much ridiculed phrase is " a lady friend of mine," " a gentleman-friend." It is to be assumed that all one's friends are ladies and gentlemen. " A man friend of mine," " a lady whom I know," is sufficiently explicit. Natural courtesy teaches us when to say " woman," when " lady." There are those who may have every instinct of gentility, but if their position in life is not such as is rec- ognized by the world they are not accorded the title of lady. In the Society which spells itself with a capital S, there is a fashion in pronunciation conform- ity to whose shibboleths marks the exact rung of the social ladder to which one belongs. In its conversation the form is often better than the substance. The final " t" in " valet" is sounded, " patent " rhymes with " latent," etc. Fortunately the tendency is toward correctness and simplicity, and small inelegances offend ears fastidious. Slang vulgarizes the language, no matter how piquant and pithy it may seem. The use of it, begun in fun, ends in a habit. Someone g . has said that " slang is language in the making," and it is true that what is linguistic heterodoxy in one age is orthodoxy in the next, but one may leave the pioneer work to others, with advantage to our own speech. Especially do slang phrases seem to coarsen the conversation of young women. Lowell says of Chaucer that " he found his native tongue a dialect and left it a lan- guage." The process may be reversed. Already 37' ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS a learned professor has ascribed the deterioration of the English language (which he assumes as proven) to the fact that the Bible and Shake- speare are so much less read than formerly. As an " accomplishment " the art of conversa- tion has many advantages. In some of Final sug- ., . , ., . , -111 estions various phases it is always available, and one never lacks an instrument. A few suggestions may serve to show how far simple good manners are a guide to success and charm in conversation, and those who charm can influence. Offer to each one who speaks the homage of your undivided attention. Look people in the face when you talk to them. We should talk often but never long, giving others their oppor- tunity. Conversation should be like a game of ball. Show courteous respect for another's point of view. In argument give fair play. Concede to your opponent his full due, allowing him to fin- ish his statement without fear of interruption. Unless principle is involved, it is better to leave him apparently master of the field than prolong a discussion beyond the limits of good taste. You will snatch victory from defeat. The best substitute for wisdom is silence. Never claim to know things of which you are ignorant. Some one will see through the sham. Acknowl- edge your ignorance frankly and naturally. Have convictions of your own. Be yourself and 372 CONVERSATION not a mere echo. No one else can contribute your peculiar personality to the world, and God made nothing superfluous. If you are so unfortunate as to be easily em- barrassed, get used to the sound of your voice and force yourself to say something. Confidence will be the reward of perseverance. A platitude at the right time is worth a dozen repartees the next morning. If a speaker mentions a wrong date or makes some trifling misstatement, do not correct him. No one cares whether the affair happened on Monday or Tuesday. Never ask leading or personal questions. We should show curiosity about the concerns of others only so far as it may gratify them to tell us. Do not feel obliged to talk incessantly. Strive to be natural and at ease. The nervousness that seeks to conceal itself under affected or exagger- ated vivacity should be controlled, as should " the loud laugh that speaks a vacant mind." Be ready with the small courtesies. Always thank children and servants. Talk of things, not people. Of a charming woman it was said, " There are no names in her talk." It is the height of vulgarity to criticise elderly people, and to betray that your estimate of others depends upon what they have rather than upon what they are. Show yourself an artist in conversation when speaking of people. An ar- tist selects only the best points of his model to 373 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS make conspicuous, and hides the rest with clever drapery. Our worst regrets are for the things one has said, not for those we have left unsaid. Draw out your neighbor without catechising him. Correct him, if necessary, without contra- dicting him. Avoid mannerisms and provincial- isms. Among the latter none is worse than the mistaken politeness of saying, " Yes, sir," " No, ma'am," to one's equal. It is a distinct discourtesy for two persons to begin or continue a conversation in which a third person who has joined them can have no interest, unless, by a few words of explanation or apology, he or she may be drawn into it and may at least listen intelligently. Make of your mind a treasury from which to draw bits of entertaining information, pithy an- ecdote, good stories apropos, timely quotations of strong helpful thoughts, that whatever subject may arise, you will have something to contribute. The wish to praise, to say pleasant things, is an amiable one, and adds grace to conversation where there is an honest chance for it without flattery. In society the first duty of man and woman is to be agreeable. Sir Arthur Helps says, " When wit is kind as well as playful, when information knows how to be silent as well as how to speak, when good will is shown to the absent as well as to those who are present, we may know that we are in good society." 374 Chapter Twentjy-fourtAsociAL CORRESPONDENCE LETTER tells more than the news it contains or the sentiment it ex- presses, it is a revelation of the character and culture of the writer, and although the matter depends upon mental and moral qualities, the manner may be acquired by any one. Not only the writing, but the choice of note- paper, is an index of taste, and often betrays even the social position of the writer. Plain Stationery white or cream white paper, rough or smooth and unlined, is always in good taste. Bank note-paper, white or very pale blue or of a delicate shade of pearl-gray, is used by persons fond of novelty. Thick English linen paper, enclosed in a square or " court sized " envelope, which allows one fold of the paper, or an oblong enve- lope requiring two folds, and closed with sealing wax that bears the writer's crest or monogram, always remains the most elegant stationery for a ceremonious note, through all changes of fashion. In these days of hurried living few care to take the time to use sealing wax. St. Vitus has been suggested as the patron saint for American women ! When wax is used, there should be no 375 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS mucilage on the envelope. An embossed or col- ored address, the name of one's country-house, or a miniature monogram enclosed by a wreath or scroll, gives a pretty finish to one's note-paper. Both monogram and address are sometimes used. There is nothing on the envelope. Crests are not good form on stationery unless used by persons of rank. In England men only use them, and a woman has her " arms " on a lozenge without crest or motto, the idea being that she does not belong on the battlefield of life. Her husband is the warrior ; hence he carries all warlike emblems. Persons in deep mourning have on their note- paper a border of black about three-eighths of an inch wide. Those wearing lighter mourning may have a border half this width or a mere black line with the monogram. Widows and widowers grad- uate the borders on their note paper; others use the same width throughout the period of mourning. Men show good taste in using only plain white paper of excellent quality. If it bear arms, crest, or monogram, it is preferably embossed in white. Men generally find it convenient to write their letters at their clubs, where paper is provided, with the stamp of the organization. A gentlewoman no longer uses perfumed note- paper. A very faint trace of violets or the per- fume from sachets of orris root are the only exceptions. A postal card should be used only for a brief message or for a business order, never as a substi- 376 SOCIAL CORRESPONDENCE tute for a letter. Neither salutation nor compli- mentary close is called for on a postal card, and initials are signed when they will be understood. The English angular style and that using small round letters each of which is HOW to distinctly legible are the fashionable write a handwritings of the day. letter Black ink that neither tires nor taxes the eyes, and broad-nibbed pens are used almost exclusively. There should be no erasures, no abbreviations, and no numerals, the date should be written out in full. Be it said, in passing, that to be gram- matically correct, one should say " the fourteenth of June" or "June fourteen," not "June the four- teenth," although it is sanctioned by custom. We say " Louis the Fourteenth " meaning that thir- teen kings named Louis have preceded him. We do not mean that fourteen Junes have already passed. If one cannot write evenly and straight, a sheet of black lines may be slipped beneath the page. Any sign of haste is a discourtesy. One does not therefore take leave of one's correspondent with the words, " In haste, yours." A letter is written presumably that it may be read, and a neat, clear, legible note, properly punctuated, without flourishes or affectations, pre- disposes one in favor of the writer. Let its out- ward form commend it. The words should be clearly separated, the lines straight, a three-quarter- inch margin left at the beginning of each line and 377 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS the writing not carried quite to the edge of the page. One begins a letter about two inches from the top of the sheet. At a new paragraph, which should introduce each new subject, a margin of an inch is left. Underlining is permissible only in very informal communications, and should be used sparingly then. A crossed letter is apt to make a cross reader, and one written in pencil is unpardonable. The writing should never be crowded, nor parts of words run down the margin of the paper. Paper is now so inexpensive that there is no excuse for the half-sheets that used to be available if the matter overflowed the single sheet. It is the fashion of the hour to write a note across the first and fourth pages, then lengthwise across the second and third. Its excuse is that one may spread open the sheet and write two pages before turning it. Some persons prefer in a short note to write on the first and third pages, then lengthwise on the second, leaving the fourth blank, an ad- vantage in neatness of appearance when the note is folded. Letters, however, are written in the order in which the pages come, and should have the ad- dress of the writer and the date at the top of the first page. The date of the year is written in numerals. In a note these would follow the sig- nature, a little to the left of the page. In a short note simply the day of the week need be men- tioned. If the address be stamped upon the paper, it is not repeated. 378 SOCIAL CORRESPONDENCE For some inscrutable reason, " My dear " is considered, in America, more ceremonious than " Dear ." In England they hold the contrary opinion. It has a friendly sound, in beginning a note, to waive the usual form and plunge into the subject at once, as, " I am more pleased than I can express, dear Mrs. Blank," just as " Jack, my dear," sounds more intimate, more tender, than " My dear Jack." There are grammatical quicksands, and one who has difficulty in spelling should have a dictionary at hand. Nothing is more to be deplored than bad spelling. A type-written letter is only ad- missible for business communications. Even in such machine-made epistles the signature should be written by hand. Letters written on business paper should be confined to the commercial world. To every one outside of the family circle, the Christian and surname should be signed in full. The American fashion of representing the middle name by an initial has been greatly ridiculed. Either both initials or the full name should be used. Good taste condemns nicknames. A mar- ried woman writes her name Mary Bruce Talbot, and in a business letter adds beneath it in brack- ets [Mrs. John Talbot], for the information of her correspondent, except when writing to a servant. An unmarried woman writes " Miss " in brackets, before her full name, to a stranger when a reply is expected. 379 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS Only a person's name should be signed, never his title. An army or naval officer in formal or public communications, however, adds his title below his signature. Mismatched paper and en- velopes betray untidiness. In addressing the envelope, we copy the English fashion of omitting the middle initial, and write the Address- name out ' n ^ u ll- ^ should be written ing the distinctly, lest we lead bewildered post- envelope men j n t o perplexity and make their task the harder. " John Smith, Esq. " is the more courteous form of addressing a gentleman than " Mr. John Smith," though inside the letter one says, "Dear Mr. Smith. " " Mrs. Dr. Brown " is no less incorrect than " Mrs. Shopkeeper Jones " ! A woman does not share her husband's title. Because one calls a friend by a pet name, it should not appear on the superscription of an envelope. " Miss Kittie Blank " should be known to the postman as " Miss Katherine Blank." When the word "Jr." is used to distinguish a son from his father, it forms part of the name and is used before all titles, as " Sydney Smith, Jr., M.D." The abbreviation " No." before figures in an address is no longer used, the word " street " is written in full, and on social notes one does not add " Town " or " City." It is superfluous ; neither is it necessary to add the name of country or State after London, Paris, New York, Chicago, Philadel- phia, etc. The sign % for " In care of," and #, standing for the word " number," are obsolete, as 380 SOCIAL CORRESPONDENCE is the custom of writing " Addressed " or " Pres- ent" on a note sent by hand. The word " To " preceding the name is used before official titles or names to which one would add a little ceremony. To insure the return of a letter, when one feels uncertain of the address, the sender's own name and address should be written on the reverse side of the envelope, prefaced by, " If not found, please return to ." A letter sent by hand should be left unsealed unless a servant be the messenger. The most difficult form of epistle is the one written in the third person. Care must be taken not to confuse the first and third per- N 0tes sons, nor to sign one's name at the end. written in Between persons who have never met the third or are but slightly acquainted, as well as between those of unequal social position, notes are written in the third person, which is the most formal style. Letters to butcher, baker, and candlestick-maker, conveying orders or directions, are generally written in the third person, " Will Mr. Jones please send, etc." closing with " and oblige," before the signature, or " Colonel Carter desires Mr. Smith to," etc. Business letters invariably begin with " Sir," or " Dear Sir," or, if addressing more than one, with " Dear Sirs," or " Gentlemen," and end with " Yours Truly, or " Very truly yours." " Respectfully 381 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS yours " is not appropriate except by a person addressing a superior, never between social equals. Ladies are addressed as " Madam," Business of Dear M a( j am /' whether married or unmarried. Business letters should be brief and specific. They should have the name and address of the person written to below the writer's signature, at the left of the page, or the name without the address at the be- ginning, before the " Dear Sir." The date and year should not be omitted. Return postage should be enclosed when a letter is sent for one's personal benefit and an answer is expected. In sending stamps, they should not be slipped loosely inside the letter, lest they be dropped or overlooked, or so carelessly affixed to the paper as to make it difficult to detach them, but preferably placed on an envelope addressed to one's self. This should insure a prompt reply. A lady inquiring of another an address or the character of a servant need not enclose a stamp, unless she ask that the answer might be sent quickly, when she would enclose an envelope, stamped and addressed. Invitations have been considered in a previous chapter. Letters acknowledging hospitality should be so worded as to give assurance of grateful appreciation. A reply to a joint note of invitation from several members of a household should con- tain an allusion to each, but the envelope should be addressed to the senior or to the wife or mother. 382 SOCIAL CORRESPONDENCE Joyousness and spontaneity should characterize a note of congratulation. There must be nothing forced, nothing to suggest artificiality. Notes of Mindful of the commandment to " re- congratu- joice with them that rejoice, " we must atlon summon our most generous impulses and let them inspire us. A cheery little note of greeting on a friend's birthday, where a gift would not be expected, rarely fails to give pleasure. " Nothing winneth so much at so little cost." To a young mother a few words of sympathy in her new joy is one of the debts that friendship should rejoice to pay. A newly made grand- mamma recently received the following: " I was always sure that you would be something grand, and now you are a grandmother ! " Enthusiasm finds ready expression, but no gift should ever be received without the formal cour- tesy of an acknowledgment. No one need be afraid of giving a superfluity t h a nks of thanks unless they are " gushingly " or poorly expressed. If possible, a note of thanks should be sent immediately upon the receipt of a gift, it loses its grace by being deferred, and it is the lamest of excuses for delay to say, " I waited because I wished to thank you in person." Many persons shrink from writing letters of condolence. They fear to be intrusive and un- welcome, yet any one who knows with what ap- 383 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS preciation letters of real sympathy are received by those in sorrow will gladly make the effort. Notes of condolence should be as Notes o p rom p|. as tv^ compassionate impulse, condolence ^_ r They need not be long, a few strong loving words are more welcome than pages that fatigue the attention and make the tears well up afresh. They should not, above all, seem perfunc- tory, but sympathetic and sincere, like a warm, clinging hand-clasp. " Words cannot reach your sorrow. I can only press your hand in silence," wrote Longfellow to a friend in trouble. The commonplaces of consolation often increase the pain they are meant to soothe. It is some- times " The butterfly upon the road, Preaching contentment to the toad." Words must come from the heart to find their way to the heart, and those who have felt the same sorrow know best what to say and leave unsaid. Ruskin once wrote to a friend, " I feel too much sympathy with you to be able to write of it. God bless you ! " Dwell not on the loss of those left behind, but on the gain of the one who has passed into the fuller life. Quote all the kind things said of him, tell of any grace or goodness that can be recalled. To hear the dear one praised gives pleasure even in the midst of pain. Write legibly. Eyes blinded by tears or tired from weeping are easily taxed. 384 SOCIAL CORRESPONDENCE If a note be too difficult, a verse from a great poem is easily written, " And death seems but a covered way Which opens into light, Wherein no blinded child can stray Beyond the Father's sight." Or Longfellow's lines, " There is no death, What seems so is transition," etc. The unpardonable thing is to pass over a friend's sorrow in silence, as though so absorbed in selfish interests as to be indifferent. When friends hold aloof, the darkness deepens. No answers to notes of condolence should be expected. At a convenient time the recipient may write, or merely send a mourning Replies to card, saying, " Your sympathy is sin- letters of cerely appreciated." condolence A letter is the compensation for the loss of personal intercourse. Seneca wrote, " I thank you for your frequent letters. By this you what a do all you can to be in my company ; " letter and Pope says, " I cannot feel myself should be absent when I feel you so near my heart." A letter is written conversation, and should be like a familiar chat with a friend at one's elbow, simple, cordial, unaffected. Those which we enjoy most have a flavor of personality, charac- teristic letters, recalling the charm of the writer's presence. " Let me have as much of you as pos- sible," wrote Irving, " that I may feel that we are 25 385 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS not severed in spirit by distance." Mendelssohn's letters sometimes opened with a bar of music, and Gustav Dore illuminated his with sketches on the margin, but ordinary mortals may have the gift of self-expression, and out-of-the-heart letters are possible to all. The words that love coins have always the ring of true metal. Nathaniel Hawthorne begins a letter to his wife, " Belovedest," and tells her that he has re-re-re-perused her letter. Letters be- None dare offer suggestions for love tween men letters. Unless the heart inspire them, and women they are best unwr i t ten. A man should invariably answer a woman's let- ter instantly. But a woman should not write to a man if she can avoid it ; but when need arise, it should be somewhat formal. A gentleman will never keep a compromising letter, should he re- ceive one, especially from a woman. He cannot know into whose hands it may fall in case of death or accident to himself. Beyond the interchange of brief little notes for which there is some reason and with the approval of the parents, a correspondence between young men and women should be discouraged unless they are betrothed. How to Every educated person is expected to write a know how to write a graceful note and readable a readable letter. We sometimes magnify the difficulty. Friendly feeling, sincerity, and simplicity are 386 SOCIAL CORRESPONDENCE among the essentials. By way of advice I would say, Conjure before you the face and personality of your correspondent, and write as you would speak if he or she were present. Longfellow's advice in regard to a difficult or distasteful task was " Begin it," and the disinclina- tion often vanishes. Do not be hampered by conventionality. Listen to your own thoughts and express them, even if they seem crude. " I write in order to hear from you, a sprat to catch a salmon, "says one; and another with more sentiment, " My thoughts when left alone turn readily to you," and a third, " And I shall see you ! I laugh all by myself when I think of it, out of sheer gladness ! " Some letters seem to open windows and let in fresh air and sunshine. To invalids and " shut ins " letters bring glimpses of the outside world, if the writer will. Do not take up more room with an apology for not having written before than can be helped. Excuses are often as illogical as that of the boy who wrote, " Dear Sister, I don't know what to say, because it rains!" Letters are like debts, harder to pay when overdue. Speak first of the interests of your correspond- ent and afterward of those which concern yourself. Read over your friend's letter just before begin- ning your reply and then answer it. If we are discouraged, sick, or sad, let us not choose that moment in which to write a letter. 387 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS Some one has said that a rainy day puts us in the mood for letter-writing. Low-hanging clouds make the world seem small. Never write anything over your signature of which you might later be ashamed. Our letters are often longer-lived than ourselves, and may event- ually be read by eyes not yet open to the light. The character of the one addressed should be considered, and the contents of the letter adapted to his tastes and temperament. Letters to children should be written with such care and made so interesting that they will serve as _ .. . example and standard, and furnish an Letters to r children incentive for them to reply. A written and old rebuke seems doubly hard. Children, people especially, should receive only pleasant matter through the mails, if they are to be en- couraged to write themselves. A degree of deference should always appear in letters to older people. Mistakes in language or little slips in the use of a verb, which may be overlooked in speaking, of- fend all our sensibilities when written. Adjec- tives emphasize only when used sparingly. The recipient of a letter is by courtesy bound to suspend all criticism, he must not even A point of . . , . . e . . , honor ***** deprecatingly of a letter received. Many hesitate to write, fearing criticism. Never allow any one to read a letter intended for your eyes alone. It is intrusted to your honor, even if not so explicitly stated. 388 SOCIAL CORRESPONDENCE The tendency of the times is is do everything in a hurry. Busy persons will find it helpful to keep a little tablet upon which to jot down topics for prospective letters, with tions a pencil at hand ready for use when a thought occurs to one. Later, the little page of suggestions often makes it possible to write an en- tertaining letter, using little time and effort. When one's fingers are busy, thought is free to hold imaginary conversations with absent friends, and one's ideas are then often at their brightest. As an instance of ingenuity, the story is told of a little coquette who had responded to a declara- tion of love only by sending a blank sheet of pa- per. She received in reply, " I thank you for your little missive, the invisible writing of which escaped my eyes only to be read by my heart. Nothing is more eloquent than silence, which is always understood to give consent, and yours has given me ' carte blanche ' to love you ! " One line of topics must be avoided, the un- pleasant things that cannot be helped. A letter carries with it an atmosphere, and the mood of the writer is contagious. Write kindly of every one. If a note is received written upon a card, a reply may be sent upon a card. If the writer's choicest note-paper has evidently been selected, show a like discrimination. When one writes a message on the face of a visiting card, it should be signed with one's name 389 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS or initials, and a line drawn through the engraved name if, as is usual, it has a prefix. If the message is written on the back only, the engraved name is left. Last words should be like a parting kiss or a lingering hand-clasp. " With all my heart. Yours " says a good deal. John Winthrop, far e . ave " from wife and home, signed himself to her " Thine, Wheresoever." The French have a laborious, if courtly way of taking leave in formal correspondence, "Accept, Sir, the expres- sion of my most distinguished consideration," but a favorite ending among friends is, " I kiss you as tenderly as I love you." When addressing persons of rank, we are nat- urally anxious to know and follow the conventions. Addressing ^ ^ etter to ^ e President of the United persons States should begin with " Sir," and of title conclude, " I have the honor to be, Sir, your most obedient servant." The address on the envelope should be " The President, Executive Mansion, Washington, D. C." The Vice-President would be addressed after the same manner; the superscription, " The Vice-President, Hon. Theo- dore Roosevelt." If one have occasion to address King Edward, VII., begin " Sir," and conclude, " I have the honor to be, Sir, Your Majesty's most obedient servant." Let persons of republican scruples reflect that the phraseology is but a form, demanded by cour- teous custom for the office, not the man. Address 39 SOCIAL CORRESPONDENCE " His Majesty, the King, London." To add " Eng- land " is superfluous, regarded as a provincialism by the English themselves. In writing to the Pope, begin " Your Holiness," and conclude as with the others. Address " His Holiness, Pope , Rome." The members of the Cabinet are addressed by their titles, with that of Honorable added, " To the Honorable the Secretary of State." The name would be super- fluous. An invitation would read, " To the Sec- retary of State and Mrs. Hay." To a Duke one writes " My Lord Duke," and signs one's self with the usual preamble, " Your Grace's most obedient servant. " Address " His Grace the Duke of " " Sir " and " Madam " are the most respectful forms of address, and may be applied to any one, but a Baron is usually addressed as " My Lord," and the envelope directed to " The Right Honor- able the Lord ." Abbreviations may be used on the envelope, never inside a letter. To a Cardinal of the Roman Catholic Church begin " Your Eminence." Address " To His Eminence (Christian name) Cardinal (surname)." To an Archbishop in England begin " My Lord Archbishop," and conclude, "I have the honor to be, with the highest respect, Your Grace's most humble servant." Address "The most Reverend His Grace the Lord Arch- bishop of . " In the United States begin " The most Reverend , Sir." To a Bishop in ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS England begin " My Lord Bishop." Address " The Right Reverend the Lord Bishop of ." To a Bishop in the United States begin " Most Reverend Sir." Address " The Right Reverend (Christian and surname), D.D.," or " The Right Reverend Bishop of ." To a Dean begin " Reverend Sir." Address " The Very Reverend the Dean of ." To an Archdeacon, " Reverend Sir." Address " The Venerable the Archdeacon (surname)." To a clergyman begin " Reverend Sir, " or " Sir." Address " The Reverend ( Christian and sur- name)." If a Doctor of Divinity, insert " Dr." after " Reverend " or add " D.D. " after the name. For a professor the abbreviated form is used in the superscription, " Prof. W W ." Address a doctor as " Dr. " or " , M.D." A lawyer should be addressed as " , Esq." A Senator, Congressman, Mayor, or Judge is ad- dressed as " Honorable (Christian and surname)." Begin " Sir," or " Dear Sir ; " conclude " I have the honor to be," etc. To a Governor begin " Sir," and conclude, " I have the honor to be, Sir, your Excellency's," etc. Address "His Excellency, the Governor of ." The Vice-President is addressed "Mr. Vice-President, Sir," within the letter. An ambassador would be addressed in a similar manner, or "My Lord," with the same con- clusion, if an Englishman. Superscription " His Excellency (name and titles) the British Am- bassador," with address. 392 SOCIAL CORRESPONDENCE In conclusion, it may be said that circumstances and surroundings have little to do with making or marring the interest of a letter. Charles Kingsley wrote to a friend : "Around me are the everlasting hills and the everlast- ing bores of the country. I am wasting my sweetness on the desert air. Peter, Peter, come down and see me ! " BOANERGES-RAIL-AT-THE-CLOUDS." 393 Chapter Twenty -f if t h TABLE MANNERS |HE line of social demarcation begins at the table. We eat only with our equals. It was an " abomination " to the Egyptians to sit at table with the alien people of Israel, and the Jews, but for physical inability, would have turned up their noses at having to dine with a Samaritan. It is within the memory of some of us when no white servant would eat with a colored butler, who dined in solitary state in his own pantry ; and caste prejudice inheres quite as strongly in more en- lightened circles. Gentlefolk of all nationalities observe very nearly the same table customs, but those who lack breed- ing " feed themselves " after the manner that ob- tains in their own class and country. The Italians hold the fork severely upright, and saw with the knife ; the Germans have a partiality for very large mouthfuls, conveyed by preference on the knife, and French people are fond of sopping up gravy with bits of bread and frankly sucking their fingers afterwards, mindful of the proverb about their precedence to forks, while their abuse of the finger-bowl for mouth-rinsing should be tolerated only in the privacy of one's bedroom. 394 TABLE MANNERS The English are the least open to reproach, perhaps, and their higher classes give to the world laws for the proper behavior at table which we recognize as binding. Well-bred persons are probably unconscious of conforming to any special standard, but they are as quick to detect a lapse as the trained ear of a musician to note a discord, and are not more charitably disposed towards the offender. It is at the home table that reform should begin. There must be rehearsal if we would play our parts acceptably on the world's stage. A boor behind the scenes never appears a really fine gentleman before the footlights. At a dinner to which guests are bidden the men help to seat the ladies, before taking their own places. One should sit so as to bring D i n ner- the body about half a foot from the table table, and say a few words to either etiquette neighbor, whether one has been presented or not. The name-card is useful as a semi-introduction if one can manage to see it. The napkin is unfolded to half its amplitude and laid across the lap. The women remove their gloves. It is extremely bad form to place them in a wineglass, as some have done, and to tuck them in at the wrist, leaving the arms covered, is not in the best taste. The oysters come first, and are eaten whole, with the appropriate fork. People sometimes try to eat only the soft part, with disastrous results. 395 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS If one does not take wine, a gesture of dissent is sufficient to express the preference, and one should be on the alert to prevent its being poured if, later on, the servants are forgetful. Out of consideration for one's host, one would not waste what is supposed to be choice and costly. It is growing to be " unfashionable " to serve many wines, and in better taste for ladies to confine themselves to a single glass or refuse them alto- gether. Soup is taken noiselessly from the side of the spoon, moustaches have a special dis- pensation. No one takes soup twice, or tips the plate to secure the last spoonful. " Taking soup gracefully was raised into an art by a French- man about fifty years ago, " writes De Quincey, " who lectured upon it to ladies in London, and the most brilliant duchesses of that day were amongst his best pupils ! " No one uses a knife in eating fish, unless silver ones, made for the purpose, are provided. A bit of bread, broken but never cut, is usually suf- ficient as an auxiliary to the fork. Entries are eaten with a fork alone. Each vegetable imposes a special punctilio. Asparagus may be held between the fingers and dipped in the sauce and bitten off, if the stalks are not too slender and pliant, or it may be divided and eaten with a fork. Artichokes may also be eaten in the fingers, plucking off the leaves one by one. Peas are always eaten with a fork. In England one who would eat them with a spoon would be re- 396 TABLE MANNERS garded as a barbarian. If corn be eaten from the cob, it should be broken so as to be small enough to be held conveniently in one hand. If Roman punch is served, it comes just before the game, and is supposed to be a preparation of the palate for the appreciation of new delicacies. At hotel tables I have seen persons make it an ac- companiment to the whole meal, a combination of wine and iced water, and substitute for both, to their minds. Needless to say that such persons are a law unto themselves, but they cannot pre- vent others classifying them as vulgarians, igno- rant of the usages of polite society. With the game comes the salad, which, if com- posed of lettuce, should never be cut with a knife ; but the leaves may be folded with the fork, with the aid of a bit of bread, and so conveyed to the mouth. Ices may be eaten with a fork or spoon, as one may prefer, never with both. Fruit must never be bitten, but cut in small pieces and eaten either in the hand or with a fork. One dips the ends of the fingers only in the finger-bowl. At a signal from the hostess, the ladies rise, placing their napkins, still unfolded, at the 'side of their plates or letting them fall from their laps to the floor. The men rise, too, and remain stand- ing while the women pass from the room, the man nearest the door holding it open for them. A prettier custom is for the men to follow the ladies to the drawing-room, the host going first. After 397 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS finding seats for them, they bow and retire, to en- joy their coffee, cigars, and liqueurs in each other's company . Upon leaving the table it is customary to set one's chair either closer to the table or at a dis- tance from it, to enable others to pass without inconvenience. If the hostess has taken the trouble to provide her guests with any trifling souvenir, pretty menu, or name-card, they should not appear to slight the attention by forgetting to take it as they leave the table. Many are thoughtless in this matter, and the hostess naturally feels the discourtesy. We may claim in America to be fairly exempt from glaring sins against table etiquette, but we need only to travel to see that for our Minor points of compatriots there are many minor points table deserving their recognition, and that the etiquette su bj ec t j s by no means beneath serious consideration. At public tables breeding reveals itself. No one requires to be told not to talk while masticating, but it is equally inelegant to chew while serving one's self or others. If addressed unexpectedly, one may not be em- barrassed to reply if the quantity taken into the mouth be not over-large. One does not press a guest to eat more it were best not to observe it nor assure him that there is an abundant supply. It were invidious for him to doubt it. 398 TABLE MANNERS Where considerations of health do not forbid, it is polite to take a little of everything. Drawing upon the table-cloth, toying absent- mindedly with the table furniture, and crumbling one's bread are forms of nervousness and ill- breeding that should be controlled. The habit of resting the arm on the table and bending the head to drink from cup or glass, of lifting a small plate from the table while eating from it, and of holding the fork in the left hand while loading it with food with the knife, are awk- ward and provincial. One uses a fork always with the right hand except when that member holds the knife to cut the food. The hold of the knife should be relaxed entirely, as one raises the fork to one's mouth, but it remains under the hand, to be readily resumed. Only sufficient food should be placed upon fork or spoon to be taken with ease into the mouth, which should receive not more than half the bowl of a spoon or tines of a fork. A carver must not appear to remember himself in the distribution. One who selfishly appropri- ates the choice bits deserves the contempt of those who remark the action, as does any one who helps himself over-bountifully to some dainty. No form of selfishness is so repulsive as that ex- hibited at table. Preferences for special dishes should not be made prominent. Where children are habitually given what is least desirable, they come to attach an exagger- 399 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS ated value to the tidbits, and are apt to show it in later life. One famous gourmet had a " supreme de volaille " prepared for himself, composed entirely of the " spoon-pieces " or " oysters " of chickens. He gave, as his reason, that his father always ate that portion himself, and that as a child he had longed to taste it. There are some small inelegances that some- times escape general observation. One should never lean back in one's chair ex- cept between the courses, until one has finished. The knife and fork placed side by side is the signal to the servant that he may remove one's plate. If the meats are carved upon the table, the head of the house in a purely judicial spirit gives to each what he or she likes. Favoritism in serving is to be deprecated. The visiting guest, an old person, and " Mother " are the only ones entitled to special courtesies of the kind. It is never proper to hold the fork with the tines turned upward in the left hand. It is exclusively the privilege of the right. It is indisputably the right of a " free-born American " to eat his boiled eggs from a glass, if he is so disposed, but he cannot control the criti- cism that shall pronounce the action provincial, and stigmatize it as " messy " anywhere out of his own country. In the time of the fourth George of England ladies from the rural districts sipped their tea from 400 TABLE MANNERS the saucer, and were laughed at in London. That is obsolete, but it is also awkward to drink from a cup while the spoon is in it. The spoon should be left in the saucer, except when it is in use. One may use it to sip the tea or coffee, holding one's head well over the cup. In drinking from the cup, it should be held directly over the saucer. Leaning the elbows on the table is a form of laziness undeservedly popular. Lounging, sitting back from the table, or attitudes that suggest free- dom of manner are unbecoming to the social event of the day. An unselfish consideration for others should dictate our requests for service and attention. No hostess apologizes, no guest observes any- thing amiss. If an accident occur, all ignore it. If a guest is the offender, a few words of apology suffice. To prolong the subject is embarrassing to all. No guest passes a plate or offers to serve any- thing unless obviously desired to do so. A servant should never reach across a person in placing or removing anything, and to clatter the dishes or to drop things reveals untrained service. When refusing anything offered by a servant, one merely says, " Thank you," and turns away. " No " is superfluous, and, unaccompanied with thanks, is brusque. Punctuality at meals should be considered as a courteous obligation. At table all should try to 26 401 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS make themselves agreeable, excluding all subjects likely to produce discord. Good stories, pleasant news, bits of entertaining information briefly told, should be treasured for such occasions. The table is the place to share them. There is one supreme rule of table etiquette. It is that to the lapses of others we shall be a little blind, and concentrate all our attention upon our own improvement. 402 Chapter Twenty-sixth MANNERS IN PUBLIC UNCLASSIFIED OCCASIONS LTHOUGH the conduct which courtesy imposes at theatre, opera, and in the drawing-room has been discussed, there are a few general suggestions that may yet have es- caped classification which are not unimportant. Probably the worst manners possible are those of persons anxious to draw attention to themselves. Gentlefolk conduct themselves so as to escape observation. They converse in quiet well-bred tones, they do not push themselves forward ; nor obstruct the way of those passing out at church door, theatre, or elsewhere. Chatting with a friend, or pursuing personal inquiries, they do not occupy the middle of the sidewalk, nor bar the way over- long with their carriages. They do not talk during a musical performance, whisper, rattle their programmes, or disturb those about them. They conform to the customs of the place when travelling. Once dressed, they are no longer conscious of their clothes. The sacrifice made by a gentleman in giving up his seat to a woman in a public conveyance is imposed by a spirit that does him honor, and 403 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS deserves her most gracious recognition, but she should never imply, by look or manner, that she expected the attention before it was offered. In church, those gently bred conform to the manners of those about them, kneeling and stand- ing as the etiquette of the service demands. They arrive in time, they do not talk, they follow the service of prayer or praise, but do not sing and pray louder than the clergy or the choir. Their manner is reserved and respectful. Those who have pews show hospitality to strangers. We do not bow in church, but may smile our recognition when catching the eye of a friend. In the country, where men and maidens don clothing of an unconventional length and loose- ness, the laxity is apt to slip from dress to man- ners. Men rarely admire those women who have permitted familiarity, and girls appreciate the courteous restraint imposed by a regard for their presence. /"^Nothing gives such upright dignity of mien as i the consciousness that we are what we pretend to be, and true gentlehood overflows in manner and makes the voice winning and the movement graceful. 404 Chapter Twenty -seventh STORT- ING ETIQUETTE N our day and generation some- thing of old-time chivalry is sug- gested by the words " Sportsman's Etiquette." They stand for a keen sense of honor,generous competition, plucky acceptance of failure, a quick and ready acknowledgment of the good points of an an- tagonist, absolutely fair play, and an instant readiness to be friendly with one's rival when the contest has been decided. It is said that women make bad losers at games, that they show favoritism and personal consid- eration, which should be absolutely barred out. If it be true, they have need to study the fine spirit of the sportsman's code of ethics. As the rules of chivalry, however, had for object the education of the man rather than the woman, so it will be found that those for the / Driving guidance of behavior in out-door rec- reations and sports have reference to the man's courteous treatment of the woman rather than to her conduct in relation to him. For example, in driving, a woman has little more to do than to try to make herself agreeable, 405 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS and in case a horse is frightened or fresh, to control her own nerves so as not to complicate the driver's difficulties by giving him a woman's fears to manage as well as those of a horse. If a man is to have a lady for companion, he should see that the carriage is punctually at the rendezvous, and look keenly over horses, carriage, and harness to see that all is in perfect condition. It is their exquisite neatness that gives such an air of style to English traps of all kinds. The vehicle should be drawn up close to the steps or pavement, the carriage turned so as to in- crease the space between the wheels, permitting the lady to mount with ease. As he helps her in with one hand, he protects her skirts from contact with the wheel with the other. He wraps the laprobe about her, and assures himself that she is comfort- ably ensconced before taking his own seat. Mean- while the groom stands at the horses' heads, and when all is ready he climbs into his place while the carriage is already in motion, but a good driver starts off slowly. In America a gentleman never smokes when driving with a lady, but in England it is permis- sible, on the plea of its being in the open air. Should he or the lady at his side recognize friends on the road, his proper salute is to lift his whip-stock to his hat-brim. The same courtesy is due when the right of way is given him. It is not good form for an unmarried man and woman to drive together in town, unaccompanied 406 SPORTING ETIQUETTE by a chaperon. It is permitted at Newport and other fashionable country resorts, if a groom oc- cupy the rumble, whether the man or the woman be the whip. In passing other vehicles on the road, the rule is, when meeting, to turn to the right, but when overtaking to pass to the left, and in like manner, when overtaken, to keep to the right so as to leave the road free at one's left. After passing another vehicle, courtesy demands that one drive rapidly for a time to relieve the occupants of the annoyance of dust. Coolness and confidence are the requisites of a good driver. The lady who is to occupy the seat of honor on a coach at the left of the host if he is the whip on the occasion, is helped to her place by J Coaching that gentleman in person, who folds her skirts deftly about her feet as she mounts the lad- der, made fast to the side of the coach. The members of the party climb to their places in the order in which they are to be seated, the men, of course, helping the women until obliged to take their own seats. The host, being the last to mount, is left to show any one that courtesy, and the grooms also lend assistance. As they drive off, the servants clamber to their places, and the horn scatters its gay silvery notes in the air. A coaching route is not infrequently about ten to fifteen miles. A halt is made usually at a country club of which the host is a member, at a friend's house, or at a house of entertainment 407 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS famous for excellence, and luncheon is served. Champagne is usually an accompaniment. The host is the first of the party to dismount upon arrival, the ladder is again fastened to the coach, and the descent is made backward, the women finding ready hands to help them and to fold their garments about their feet as they pass from step to step. Two hours or so are allowed for rest, and then the start homeward is made. When a man is to accompany a woman, he should assist her to mount, the groom meanwhile holding the horses. He gathers up the Riding . . r reins and puts them in her hand, and then, stooping, offers his right hand for her foot, or he may clasp his hands supporting his right forearm firmly on his thigh. The woman places her right hand on the second pommel, holding in it the whip and the reins tightly enough to feel the horse's mouth. With her left hand she lifts her riding-skirt and places her left foot in the hand of the man, offered for a step. She then lets go the skirt, rests the left hand upon his shoulder, gives him the cue by bending the right knee, springs up erect on the left foot, while he gives her an impetus upward and supports her foot until she has her seat in the saddle. She places her right knee over the horn, and he sees that her left foot is rightly placed in the stirrup and that her skirt is prop- erly adjusted, before mounting his own horse. 408 SPORTING ETIQUETTE He should mount at a little distance from his companion, and then, if necessary to turn about, make the horse step around with his hind legs, so as to avoid turning his back upon his com- panion when addressing her. A man should always keep at the lady's right. It is the woman's privilege to set the pace. In a riding party the horse who has difficulty in keeping up should set the pace for the rest, and spare the feelings of the one who may be poorly mounted. It is perhaps too elementary a rule of politeness to require mention, but it is nothing less than rude to splash through mud puddles, with results that are exasperating to one's neighbors and to any possible pedestrian who may be passing. If one should inadvertently cause such annoy- ance, by all means pause and apologize. The English rule requires a man to pull up and pass a lady, if alone, at a walk. When approaching a lady, the man should al- ways do so on the off, or right, side. In passing on the road, the rule is the same as for driving. The escort of a lady bows to any acquaintances whom she may recognize. He aids her in dismounting. He leaves his own horse, or puts his arm through the rein, comes to the woman's left side, and takes her foot from the stirrup. She then places one hand on his shoulder, and the other in his hand, and descends lightly to the ground. 409 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS The etiquette between man and woman riding to hounds together requires him to make his own pleasure secondary to securing hers. He should ride at her side, going ahead to open gates or lower bars a bit if she be not an accomplished horsewoman. Her rule of conduct should impose considera- tion for her escort and make herself of as little trouble as possible. At the meet the men who ride fresh or restive hunters should keep at a fair distance from the carriages containing ladies. Polo has no code of etiquette not connected with the rules of the game. A man opulent enough to have his own yacht, needs little tutoring how to make it a pleasure to ... , . his friends for a few hours' sail or for Yachting days on end. Where unmarried men and women compose a party, a chaperon is a necessity. A " gig " or launch conveys the guests to the yacht from the shore, and the host stands at the gangway to greet them as they arrive and to assist them on deck. After which he has only to follow the rules which govern social functions on land. The attention due the chaperon whom he places at his right hand at table and the pleas- ure of his guests will thereafter be his agreeable duty. Special care and attention will of course be shown to any one affected by the motion. The proper entertainments for a yacht in harbor 410 SPORTING ETIQUETTE are luncheons, dinners, dances, and short cruises, the preparations for which need not be elaborate. The etiquette of billiards, according to the Badminton authority, requires the man who has played his stroke to retire to a reason- , / .. T Billiards able distance. Loud talking, criticism of the play, and anything that may disturb or distract the attention of the players are offences against good form. The billiard-room is a place where one may be unconventional. At the club men play without their coats. In private houses, where ladies are of the party, the privilege is of course abrogated. A Tuxedo will be found convenient. Smoking is permissible, with the ladies' consent. A good game should be conducted with strict observance of its etiquette. Persons, therefore, should not enter the room when a game is in progress, except between the strokes, which may be ascertained by listening outside the door. Spectators should be courteously silent or reti- cent and impartial in criticism. The ordinary rules of politeness cover almost all the requirements of the etiquette of bicycling. The expert riders should assist and Bicycling encourage beginners, and accommodate the pace to the one who is least proficient. Loud talking on the highway is not in good taste. Should one of the party withdraw at the last moment, it is not a breach of good manners, bicycles and weather are uncertain. 411 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS When a man rides with a woman, the little courtesies are doubly binding. He yields to her the better part of the road, rides ahead at times to choose the pleasantest route, and up the long hills gives her a helping hand or proposes to dismount if he fancies it would be agreeable to her. He interposes himself between her and any passing vehicle or possible annoyance, and permits her to take the lead when the track is smooth and good. The following is the code of etiquette for golfers, as interpreted by the Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St. Andrews, Scotland : etiquette ^ sm g^ e player has no standing, and must always give way to a properly constituted match. No player, caddie, or onlooker should move or talk during a stroke. Some one has said, " Si- lence is golden, but advice and comment are brazen." No player should play from the tee until the party in front have played their second strokes and are out of range, nor play up to the putting green till the party in front have holed out and moved away. The player who has the honor from the tee should be allowed to play before his opponent tees his ball. Players who have holed out should not try their putts over again when other players are following them. 412 SPORTING ETIQUETTE Players looking for a lost ball must allow other matches, coming up, to pass them. On request being made, a three-ball match must allow a single, threesome, or foursome to pass. Any match playing a whole round may claim the right to pass a match playing a shorter round. If a match fail to keep its place on the green, and lose in distance more than one clear hole on those in front, it may be passed, on request being made. Turf cut or displaced by a stroke should at once be replaced. A player should carefully fill up all holes made by himself in a bunker. It is the duty of an umpire or referee to take cognizance of any breach of rule that he may ob- serve, whether he be appealed to on this point or not. It only remains to be said that when a man and woman play together he carries her bag of clubs if unable to secure a caddie. He gives them to her as needed, makes her tees, and aids in looking for her balls. Chapter Twenty -eighth COURTESY AND GOOD MANNERS IN THE HOME LL that the spirit of the most punc- tilious etiquette enjoins for one's con- duct in society is doubly binding at home. As the New Testament en- forces the teachings of the Old with vastly more exhaustive requirement, but relieves them of all hardness and exactingness by the in- fusion of love as a motive, so with the family relation. "Each individuality is an uncompromising fact and has to be taken into consideration, and though brothers and sisters owe identically the same debt to heredity all the way back to Adam, they usually seem to have taken advantage of the wide choice offered by the multitudinous family connection, to inherit the most opposite traits and often most an- tagonistic natures. The law of " the attraction of opposites " in matrimonial selection also compli- cates the domestic problem, and unfortunately re- lationship is not a talisman for affection. To harmonize tempers and dispositions, much love is required, but there is no other such emol- lient to allay irritability, no such check to petty disagreements or to interference with personal liberty between brothers and sisters, no like bar 414 GOOD MANNERS IN THE HOME to rudeness on the part of children and servants, as the habitual observance of the rules of politeness which we instinctively follow with strangers. The a b c of good manners demands sources that we soften the asperity of criti- of family cism, but " home truths " have often a discord freedom and frankness peculiarly exasperating. Altercation about trifles is a fruitful source of friction, and stock subjects of disputation beget a chronic " touchiness." One seldom convinces by excited and voluble argument, and when a suspicion of temper appears good-bye to suc- cess ! Politeness compels a conciliatory manner, an open-minded hospitality to the views of others, which will be most effective if our object be to influence rather than to vent our irritation. " Peace at any price " is a good family motto. Some persons keep advice for gratuitous distri- bution, and give it at such length and with such energy that all free agency seems lost to the one addressed. A well-bred reticence should be exer- cised both in asking questions and offering advice, respecting every one's natural desire for independ- ent thought and action. The elders are apt to dogmatize, expecting their views to be accepted without question, forgetting that their correctness is not so evident to those whose minds have not passed through the same processes. There are people who seem to think that no one is entitled to a place in the world but those of whom they approve. These self-constituted critics ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS are usually the least patient of criticism when di- rected towards themselves. We cannot expect all the world to live up to our standards, nor expect of others what it is not in them to be. How tire- somely monotonous all the world would be ! A wise Power has made no two alike. As well condemn the rose for not being as useful as the cabbage ! One thing good form imperatively demands, that by no mischance, no loss of self-control, shall Family family discords be revealed to strangers, " good children, or servants. If there be friction form " t^t. ma y d eve lop into a skirmish, let it be deferred, at whatever cost to self-repression, and resumed, if need be, behind closed doors. An uncontrolled voice is always unmannerly. It is wise not to allow a point at issue to become too important. Some persons always wish to share their small ailments and require an audience for their suffer- ings. A Frenchwoman once exclaimed with comic pathos, " Talk of the patience of the late Mon- sieur Job ! Any woman whose husband has had a cold in his head is entitled to a like immortal reputation ! " A readiness to give up in little things is the most tactful appeal possible for a return of cour- tesy at other times when the matter may be of importance to us. It is a high attainment in politeness to allow others to be mistaken. Let a trifling misstatement 416 GOOD MANNERS IN THE HOME pass unnoticed where no principle is involved, and when a mistake is past remedy, it is best to let the subject drop. The argument of the " I told you so " character is quite superfluous. That irritability can be controlled, and that in- stantly, is proved by the celerity with which frowns vanish and the voice takes on tones of genial cordiality at the unexpected appearance of some acquaintance with whom we wish to stand well. The paradox is hard to explain that " We vex our own by look and tone, Yet we love our own the best." May it not be that in the world of society polite- ness has become second nature? It is there in- stinctive to put restraint upon ourselves, to hide whatever will not be pleasing to others, and to show ourselves at our best and brightest, but in the seclusion of home we dare to be barbarians, still trusting to love to stand the strain. Nothing is more contagious than tempers, good and bad. There are some uncanonized saints who seem to be non-conductors of moral electricity. When others are cross, they turn a deaf ear and pretend not to see, and the culprits are grateful afterwards. Vasari says of the painter Raphael, that ill-humor could not live in his atmosphere. One can always be cheerful whether one is happy or not. Good breeding is so largely an outward expression of an inward grace that the boundary- line between etiquette and ethics is often un- distinguishable. 27 417 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS Of course no delicate or honorable person opens another's letters. Even the youngest children in Points of ^ e household should have the pleasure family of opening the letters addressed to honor and them, and so be trained into a recogni- tng tion of the inviolable nature of personal correspondence. Practical jokes are rarely indulged in by per- sons of nice perceptions, and teasing passes the bounds of good taste the moment that it ceases to be a matter of pure fun on all sides. Inquisitiveness is always bad form. "Whom is your letter from ? " " What makes your eyes so red ? " are interferences with one's rightful privacy. A closed door should be respected and give assurance of seclusion. Liberty is the guaranteed enjoyment of lawful rights. The rough proverb " Wash your dirty linen at home," carries a valuable truth. One who is so disloyal as to repeat to any outsider, however in- timate, anything to the discredit of the family, deserves to forfeit all family rights and privileges. ~" And here let me enter a protest against mak- \ ing one's family matters newspaper property. There are no terms strong enough to condemn the vanity of parents who will allow a daughter's charms, prospects, and advantages to be advertised /in the public prints in this press-ridden country. ~~ For some occult reason people are sensitive to criticism of their clothes and even of the prevail- 418 GOOD MANNERS IN THE HOME ing fashion as they wear it. Therefore do not say, " Great Scott, what a hat ! " but find some- thing to admire first, by way of preface to adverse criticism, which should be spoken in a manner to arouse no antagonism. For truths" home criticism has its place and value, and should not be resented if it be given courteously and not when under irritation. Do we not all know excentric, unlovable people who have lived much alone, with no one so nearly related to them as to venture to find fault with them ? The sooner that we recognize the utility of family criticism, the sooner we shall outgrow it Society requires that whatever their private relations, husband and wife face the world as a unit appearing harmonious and with interests identical. Husband . , and wife Nothing so cheapens a married woman and her husband in the eyes of the world as her too evident effort to attract the interest and ad- miration of other men. Flirtation among married people is growing more and more common, and so are divorces. Bad form can go no further. It has been said by a wise Frenchman that " happy people need few pleasures," and when the world sees a woman to whom social suc- cess is the aim and object of life, it guesses pretty shrewdly that all is not right at home, and no woman wishes to make a present of such a secret to a captious and critical world. Women 419 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS are the custodians of the morality of a nation and cannot hold themselves too high. Time was, not so very long ago, when, in America, the bridal veil was no less a symbol of withdrawal from society than the one assumed in the cloister. Dancing, flirtation, attention from other men, were all eschewed as a matter of course, and the young woman gave herself all in all to the man of her heart and choice. She was not necessarily sacrificed ; there was bliss in the self-surrender, and divorces were then almost unknown. The simple and comprehensive phrase used in the old Russian marriage ceremony, " Here, wolf, take thy lamb," may be suggested to some minds in recalling such old-fashioned customs and ideas, but such wives are the kind still dreamed of by lovers of all times and countries, and they be- come such mothers as Coleridge speaks of as " the holiest thing alive." Never should married people discuss the pe- culiarities of one another in the presence of a third party. Personalities that are made to do duty as family jokes are never funny to the stranger. For a wife to complain of her husband to any outsider, or a husband to confide anything de- rogatory of his wife to another, seems too heinous a fault to have its possibility believed, but such things have been. A wife who in the confessional had been complaining to the priest of her husband, 420 GOOD MANNERS IN THE HOME had a severe penance appointed her. " You have confessed your husband's sins, and must therefore do his penance," was the priest's explanation. All public display of affection is in equally bad taste, and is regarded with suspicion. Their be- havior toward each other sets an example that will probably influence the households of which the children will eventually be the heads. If the father is uniformly held up by the mother to the children's admiration and respect, if she regards his home-coming as a pleasant event, is lovingly solicitous of his approval, they will idealize him. If the father is tender and chivalrous to- ward the mother, showing deference to her wishes and opinions, the children will show her like consideration. They should never know of any difference of views or opinions between their parents. As one, their united judgment should appear infallible. If it is a point of good manners that we should appear to like every one with whom we come in contact in the world of society, and give open expression to all the interest that we feel, is it not equally a matter of home etiquette not to repress the fondness that would gladden others by its manifestation ? Taking love on trust, because it has been expressed long ago and never officially retracted, is like trying to warm one's self with the memory of last year's sunshine. Words, without deeds, however, are of course an impertinence possible only to shallow natures. 421 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS Those observant of home courtesy would never taunt with a past mistake, never talk at one another, either alone or in company, never see what another would hide, nor make a remark at another's expense. They must not both be angry at the same time. When a man is under irritation a woman may expect to hear a vehemence of language out of all proportion to the annoyance. She must discount the exaggeration, be deaf to the " unsanctified syllables of his vocabulary," and follow the wisdom of Solomon in giving the soft answer. Retalia- tion will turn the discussion into a vulgar quarrel, than which no worse " form " is possible. Given a little time and a little silence, the husband will usually show in actions rarely in words that he has been mistaken or regrets his hastiness. Sydney Smith said that the reason that there were so many unhappy marriages was because " the girls were taught to make nets and not cages for husbands." When the household numbers among its in- mates some one who is not of the immediate family, the difficulties multiply. The proverb says that " There is no house large enough for two families," but al- though it requires a delicate adjustment of tempers and dispositions, the impossible has been ac- complished and may again. Only love can work miracles, but " if courtesy is not Christianity, it is a capital imitation of it." Like an armor of proof, it 422 GOOD MANNERS IN THE HOME deflects many a criticism that would otherwise wound, or at least blunts its sharpness. If the husband's mother be of the household, let the wife treat her as she would wish to be treated when the sturdy toddler at her side makes her a mother-in-law, encouraging her husband in paying courteous and fond attention to his mother, and showing her herself every respect and deference, especially before the friends of the family, the children and servants, whose conduct will be pat- terned after hers. Let the mother-in-law remember that no house- hold is well or happily governed where there are two mistresses, and adhere to the principle of noninterference. The art of living with others requires the cultivation of a judicious blindness, and the art of living happily entails self-sacrifice. If it is the wife's mother that comes into the home, other dangers threaten. However much a daughter may be guided by her mother's advice, let her assume the entire responsibility of all that transpires in the house. Common sense dictates that the husband be not allowed to feel that his mother-in-law is the unseen power that is ruling his household. The longer what the children call " company manners " can be kept up between them, the longer will there be barriers to unpleasant relations. Home happiness keeps the girls from heedless marriages, and the boys from many dangers, and 423 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS as a preservative of harmony, mutual courtesy and consideration are invaluable. The atmosphere which the parents create in the home by example becomes the rule for the chil- dren, and to be content with anything lower in latitude than paradise is to live below one's privileges. 424 Chapter Twenty -ninth ETIQUETTE F good manners are expected of children, they must be treated court- eously. They should be taught that consideration for others underlies genuine courtesy. Mere manners may treacherously desert one at critical moments but true politeness may be relied upon. To talk of children in their presence makes them self-conscious, and robs them of the simplicity that is their greatest charm, " kingdom-of-heaven- ites " Coleridge calls them. The least shade of impertinence or disrespect should be checked promptly and sharply. Amer- ican parents are not considered good disciplinari- ans. An Englishman once jestingly remarked, " In the States parents are sent to bed for ' an- swering back ' ! " Children who are not obliged to be polite to their elders and to one another will not suddenly become well-bred when strangers are present. They should not take the most comfortable seats or most advantageous positions, but be observing and offer such little attentions to their parents and elders, and the boys to their sisters. 425 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS Such attentions should also be acknowledged with courteous appreciation. A home may have the elegance of high-breeding, no matter how sim- ple the surroundings. Children should not be al- lowed to contradict each other, but be early taught to use the same courtesy in expressing differences of opinion as do their elders, "I beg your par- don " or " I am sure that you are mistaken." It is all a matter of habit ; but the outward form often compels the inward feeling. They should be made to understand, too, that their unsolicited opinions or advice offered to their elders is a rudeness that will make them unpopular. It used to be the custom for children to say " Yes, ma 'am," " No, sir," to their elders, but that is now considered to belong to the courtesy due from servants, and well-bred children say, " Yes, mamma," " No, grandpapa," and the tone of polite deference must underlie the simple " Yes " and " No " when unaccompanied by the name of the person addressed. Well-bred children do not pass in front of a per- son without an apology, or enter a room whistling, or addressing some one therein, unobservant of the conversation that may be in progress. Young persons should rise whenever a visitor In the comes into or takes leave of the family presence circle, and also if addressed elsewhere of visitors by an older person, should they happen to be seated. In France young girls are trained in winsome, 426 CHILDREN'S ETIQUETTE attractive manners. They are careful to stand aside to permit their elders to pass first. They do not sit while any one of them is standing, and their polite deference in conversation pays them a pretty compliment. It was for a Frenchwoman that the word " charming " was invented. Children should not be forward in claiming the attention of friends or visitors when they are being greeted by the elder members of the family, neither should one hold out a reluctant hand under parental coercion. Shyness is only less unattrac- tive than forwardness, and is due generally to ignorance of what is expected of one. Should a child enter the room where the mother is entertaining a visitor to ask a question or favor, he or she should stand by the mother's side, without speaking, until addressed by or presented to the stranger. Then, after asking permis- sion to prefer the request, it is made, and the child withdraws, after taking courteous leave of the guest. We all feel that it is humiliating to have the attention of others directed to our shortcomings, and children are not less sensitive, but some mothers do not seem to know that they are break- ing all the laws of good taste in correcting a child before a guest. It is as annoying to the visitor as it is cruel to the child, making him awkward and self-conscious, if nothing worse. The time is ill- chosen for child-training. Any possible conflict or clash of wills between parent and child should 427 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS be anticipated in time, and the little one tactfully withdrawn before any unseemly friction becomes apparent to the visitor. "Showing off" children is an unconscious in- justice to them. Let a mother keep to herself, for private delectation, the knowledge that her child is a prodigy. Let a boy be as free as air out of doors, but in the house demand that he behave like a A well- _ , trained boy gentleman. In mediaeval times lads were made pages to courtly dames for such training. It is not, however, the province of the entire family to bring him up. " Nagging " is one of the small foes to the peace of a household, but the teaching of boys to be gentlemen at home is as essential as the training of them to be men in the world. When physical strength begins to be realized by a boy, his first idea is to use it solely as a power. He must be taught to regard it also as a responsibility. His strength inclines a truly manly man to gentleness towards those who are weaker. " Noblesse oblige." A tactful mother will make much of a lad's strength, appearing a little de- pendent upon it. A boy accompanying his mother or sisters in the street should be taught to raise his hat when they return a bow or meet a friend, or when alone the boy passes an acquaintance of his own or of the family, he should show the same courtesy, 428 CHILDREN'S ETIQUETTE unless in the case of a fellow lad or a young man, when a bow or nod suffices. The old adage," Children should be seen and not heard," has not been superseded by a better, however unpopular with the present generation. It would spare mal-apropos remarks until the child were old enough to recognize when to speak and when to be silent. Boys early learn sportsman's etiquette, to ac- cept defeat uncomplainingly, to show no favor- itism in playing games, and to keep one's tem- per, but girls are sometimes offenders in these things. Unless self-government is taught, parental train- ing is imperfect. A look should be sufficient to restrain a child in public if he or she has been properly instructed behind the scenes. Especially when , , Imposing guests are present is it unseemly for self . control there to be any protest on the child's part against the parent's wishes, expressed by word or look. At all times " No " should be irrevocable when uttered ; but a conscientious review of the situation should first be made, in strict justice to the little beings who are so entirely dependent for happi- ness. A "teasing" child is merely a victim of bad management. A wholesome self-restraint about annoying trifles is imposed by good manners. Fretting about the weather or a disappointment, fussing about what 429 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS cannot be cured, poisons the atmosphere like a miasma. The practice of allowing a sick child to be as cross, petulant, and exacting as his humor dic- tates is an injustice to the child, who should be taught that under no circumstances may one remit the effort at self-control. The injunction should be pressed with loving firmness. Children should be early instructed in behavior at table. No amount of sub- sequent drilling quite atones for early neglect. All corrections should, however, be made in such manner as not to attract the attention of others. At the family meeting-place nothing should be allowed to overshadow the general pleasantness. Every-day etiquette includes the custom of cheer- ful daily greetings. When a grunt does duty for a pleasant " good-morning " and an inaudible murmur replaces a tender " good-night," family manners need mending. People should never be criticised adversely in the presence of children. A look should be sufficient to restrain a child from eating some coveted dainty at table. If children were made to feel that their parents denied themselves a pleasure in denying them their wishes, and that only their best judgment guided by tenderest love prompted the refusal of what they would be far happier to grant, there would be more trust and less friction between parents and children. 430 CHILDREN'S ETIQUETTE In no one thing does the good and bad training of early life so quickly betray itself as in the treat- ment of those whom circumstances have Chi i dren . placed in dependent positions. The treatment higher the nature, the more strongly f servants is felt the inarticulate appeal from the less- favored classes for justice and gentleness. Children should not be thrown in the society of servants for companionship more than is necessary, but they should be required to treat them with courteous consideration, prefacing every request with " please," and ready with pleasant thanks in acknowledgment of any service. Among influences that mould and refine the young persons of the household is the infor- mal and frequent entertainment of wel- i n f orma i come guests. Those accustomed to the hospitali- presence of visitors have more pleas- ties ing manners, are more at their ease, and conse- quently more graceful and tactful than those who have not this advantage. Entertaining visitors unifies a family, all being pledged to the same object, the gratification of the guest. Children should be made to feel their identifi- cation with the home. A little fellow replied to the question whether he had any brothers and sisters, " No, we have only one child." Social observance requires no effort if one learns it in early youth. A child should be encouraged to write his or her own note of thanks for a pleas- 43i ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS ure offered or a present received. However child- ishly expressed, it will probably thank the giver better than the most correct effusion written by an elder. The chil- Should a child of one household dren's have a quarrel with another, the moth- playfellows ers s how a petty spirit in adopting it themselves. The difference should be carefully looked into, and the children urged to apologize and " make it up." The one who is most forward to take the initiative has usually the finer instincts. Should a mother learn that her child has been guilty of some grave fault towards another, she should call at once with her child upon the one who has been injured, and make her child apologize, expressing her own regret and offering to make any repara- tion in her power. She should be met in a gener- ous and forgiving spirit. The rule works both ways. No woman should ever presume to scold or correct the child of another, nor should she be the one to report its misdeeds. A school-girl's dress should be plain, neat, and calculated to excite no envy, attract no attention. Simplicity is not only in good taste, Children's but j t . g the c h aracter j st i c o f a ij tt i e dress maiden's costume among those who set a fashion by adopting it. Children should be as unconscious of their clothes as birds of their plumage. To talk of their dress before them 432 CHILDREN'S ETIQUETTE is fatal to that spirit. When unwise mothers or nurses admire them in a particular costume or discuss its becomingness, the poison begins to work. It is wisdom on the part of parents to encourage the visits of their children's friends and make them so welcome that they may feel at home. So it may be judged whether or not their companion- ship is to be desired. It is best for the mother to limit the children's circle of acquaintance to those of her own personal friends, as far as may be, since she presumably knows something of the home influences. Should invitations come from children whose parents are unknown to her, they should be written by the mother of such children or accompanied by a line from that lady seconding the invitation ; but in any case it is wise to make inquiries and learn what one may of the influences surrounding the new playmates. A birthday is generally the occasion of child- ish hospitalities. The young folk should be encouraged to write their own invita- children's tions, under the guidance of some older entertain- person, stationery with special decor- ments ations comes for the purpose, and may be posted or the youthful hosts may think it an added pleasure to leave them at their destination in person. If the invitation be for a small dance, it may be formal, written in the third person, 28 433 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS Miss Gladys Jay requests the pleasure of the company of Master Harry Danvers at her birthday party on Thursday the seventh of February, at four o'clock Thirty West Fortieth Street Or the invitation may be given in a friendly little note, in some such form as DEAR JEAN: Will you come to my birthday party on Wednes- day afternoon at four o'clock ? We shall meet on the lawn, and I hope that we may have a pleasant time. Yours sincerely, GLADYS JAY. Thirty West Fortieth Street. In winter the entertainment usually takes the form of a little dance, lasting from four until seven, during which the playing of games alternates with or follows the dancing. The shades are drawn, the gas and lamps are lighted, the music of a piano or a piano and violin or harp is arranged for, and the young hosts, simply dressed, receive their guests, aided by the mother or some older person who is fond of children. The pretty courtesies and generous little sac- rifices demanded by the position of host and hostess should be made to appear as their pleas- ant duty, and that their chief concern must be to 434 CHILDREN'S ETIQUETTE play the games their visitors prefer, to see that none are overlooked in the dancing and at supper, and that every one there has a good time. The refreshments may be served when things begin to drag. Supper need not necessarily be the final feature. The birthday cake may occupy the centre of the table, its top either decorated with as many small candles as the child has years, or frosted to represent the dial of a clock, the hand pointing to the numeral that coincides with the age of the host or hostess. A wreath of green may surround it, if flowers are too expensive, or instead of the cake there may be a large low basket of paper roses, which is passed around after the feast, and from which each child draws a flower and finds a little gift attached to it. It fulfils the child's idea of a good time if there is something which may be carried home, a tangible evidence of what has passed like a dream. Therefore a simple favor may be provided, either in the way just indicated or placed at each cover if the children sit at table. This is, of course, only adapted to a very small party. Bouillon, sandwiches rolled and tied with ribbons, ices, simple cakes- and bonbons, oranges cut in the shape of baskets, and plenty of mottoes suffice for the early supper. In summer the birthday fte will be the more enjoyable if held on the lawn from four to seven in the afternoon. In the freedom of an " out-door party," in the society of many playfellows, chil- 435 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS dren acquire such bright spirits and are usually in such holiday mood as to make any great effort for their amusement unnecessary. Games of all kinds may give merry occupation until a slight weariness begins to threaten, and then the young folk may be marshalled to another part of the grounds, where little tables set under the trees, decorated with daisies and buttercups, will enable them to " play tea-party " after an ideal fashion. A sensible menu that will be pro- ductive of no unpleasant after effects may consist of chicken sandwiches, with milk or cocoa, ice- cream in flower moulds, sponge-cake, and plain bonbons. The costume mottoes never fail to create a little flutter of fun and excitement. The boys like the noise, and the girls enjoy the " dress- ing up." There is often a birthday-cake with candles, in which are baked a little ring and thimble. When the cake is cut, great interest is felt in their chance destination. A bowl of lemon- ade should be accessible throughout the afternoon. If the entertainment is in honor of a birthday, the guests often bring some trifling guests gift to tne young host or hostess, a book, a game, or some small inexpensive souvenir. Their greetings should be in the form of con- gratulations, " Many happy returns of the day," " I wish you a happy birthday," or, as a bright little girl once said," I hope that you will have three hundred and sixty-five happy days in this year." 436 CHILDREN'S ETIQUETTE In taking leave, each little guest should say to the lady of the house " Good-afternoon, Mrs. ; I have had a very pleasant time," or " Thank you, Mrs. ; I have enjoyed myself very much," and then bidding the child host or hostess good-by with some cordial expression of pleasure. 437 Chapter Thirtieth -THE FAMILY TABLE O school of etiquette offers so many opportunities to its members to learn the best way of doing things as the family table. Therefore it is wise, at the simplest home meal, to ob- serve in the main the conventionalities which are accepted as appropriate when guests are present. If children are accustomed to good manners at home, they will never suffer from awkwardness and clumsiness when visiting, and there is no reason that they should not acquire an ease and grace of deportment that will not forsake them even if, later in life, they should be called upon to dine with royalty itself. When family and servants are used to a daintily appointed table and correct service, the unex- pected guest will cause no trouble or embarrass- ment, and the hostess will be free to make herself charming, relieved of all fear that the children or servants may betray that they are accustomed to a less refined manner of living. The family A fresh toilette and a pleasant face at table are de r j guer at a \\ me als, es- pecially at breakfast a means of grace. 438 THE FAMILY TABLE The children should not be the first to seat themselves. In some households the chair of the mother is always placed for her by one of the lads. Morning and evening salutations should be cor- dial and habitual. Grace is sometimes said by the youngest child present; sometimes all bow the head, and each offers a silent thanksgiving. One should not begin to eat until all are served. Favoritism in serving is to be deprecated ; when children are habitually given the least desirable portions, it educates greediness. Only at breakfast is it permissible to read let- ters, and then " if t 'were well done it were done quickly." Whoever reads a newspaper at breakfast is bound by courtesy to share its contents with oth- ers, or at least give the main points of interest. The head-lines may be read to prove the dearth of news, so often the excuse for silent and selfish absorption. All unpleasant subjects should be banished from conversation at table, personalities, which are al- ways in bad taste, and unnecessary fault-finding. It is a wise rule that criticism of the food be de- ferred until another time, and confided to the housekeeper's private ear. To discuss family interests or the private affairs of friend or neighbor in the presence of servants is in very bad taste, as is the slightest approach to bickering or heated argument. 439 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS To pass one's friends and acquaintances in criti- cal review at table, unless it be to admire or praise them, especially when perhaps a guest has just departed, is a form of discourtesy that is un- pardonable. All the drilling of the children in table manners, all corrections should be made in such manner as not to centre the attention of others upon the delin- quent. A little private instruction elsewhere than at table is apt to insure more gratifying results. Children should not be allowed to monopolize the conversation, to contradict or interrupt others, or make themselves unduly prominent. The small public of the home circle is, however, the natural and proper audience for social beginnings. All should exert themselves to make the time spent at table delightful, and the power to charm be freely exerted to entertain the family. The re- hearsal will stand one in good stead elsewhere. The first rule of table etiquette taught to Spartan children was, " What is said here, goes not out there." The family table brings often a revelation of disposition as well as breeding. Less trammelled by conventionality, reform there must begin with the heart rather than the head. Unselfishness must rule. We receive, too, in the intimacy of the home circle, friends whose good opinion we value more than that of acquaintances to whom we pay the inferior compliment of a formal entertainment. 440 THE FAMILY TABLE Children should not be allowed to refuse some things and eat voraciously of others that they pre- fer. Some easy-going people say, " Let the child have what he likes, let him eat all that he wants." It is unmannerly to give free rein to one's appetite in any direction, to pass the line of self-control is to pass that of good taste. Special rules for table manners have been given in a former chapter. It is often more difficult to serve well a plain family dinner than an elaborate " company func- tion." The only hope of success lies in the consent of all to abide by certain Correc * fixed rules of serving, which, if observed, will surely result in the general satisfaction. It is not necessary to premise that the table be neatly set, the cloth spotless, whatever its quality, the glass and silver bright, and the napkins changed whenever their freshness is lost. The fern-filled jardiniere in the centre of the table has become almost universal, but a dish of fruit may accept- ably replace it. A dinner or " place " plate, a thickly cut piece of bread or roll, a glass freshly filled with iced water, but without ice, knives, forks, and table- spoons should be at each place. It is the present fashion to have everything served from the pantry or a side table, in which case the meats and vegetables are not placed upon the dining-table, the carving is done behind a screen, and the dishes passed, from which one helps one's self. A folded napkin is laid between 441 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS the large dishes and the hand of the servant, a tray is used for the small ones. An embroidered centrepiece under the fernery and two or four " compotiers " of silver, glass, or fine china, are the usual table decorations. Some persons use candelabra with shades matching the colors of the embroidered centrepiece, and others add small dishes of olives, radishes, etc. The " compotiers " are usually filled with dainties that do not depend altogether upon their freshness to be acceptable, candied fruits, peppermints, prunes, figs, nuts, and raisins, preserved ginger or citron and fruit are among the things that do not require too frequent renewal. If the " good, old-fashioned way " of serving be preferred, the servant places the soup tureen The old- before the lady of the house and one fashioned soup-plate, substituting another when style of 1.1^ j s supplied. Plates should never service ., , r be piled before any one. The soiled soup-plates are removed one by one, leaving the place-plate underneath for the hors- d'oeuvres, or until exchanged for a hot one for fish or roast. The vegetables are brought upon the table before the meat. The fish and roast are in turn placed before the carver, and a hot plate replaces his cold one. At no time is one left without a plate before one. At the clearing of the table the soiled plates are first removed ; when all have finished, then the meat, and lastly the vegetables. One cannot condemn too strongly 442 THE FAMILY TABLE the putting of one plate upon another in clearing a table. The salts, peppers, etc. are removed on a serving-tray, covered with a doily ; the large pieces of bread on a plate, using a fork; the crumbs are brushed, and the plates set for the sweet course, which is served by the lady of the house. The soiled plates are removed before the " sweet" itself is taken away. Small cups of coffee are passed on a tray, and the servant next follows with sugar and cream, for those who like it. A servant who understands his duties will an- ticipate the wants of those whom he is serving, and obey promptly a look of suggestion from his mistress. The more quietly a table is served, the more it appears to be well served. No one leaves the table until all have finished, except by special permission. The napkins are folded unobtrusively, and the chairs withdrawn out of the immediate way of persons passing. Be- tween meals the white tablecloth should be replaced by a woollen or cloth one, and the room arranged in perfect order. At breakfast and luncheon a large tray is placed before the lady of the house, from which she serves the tea and coffee. Fruit is eaten either before or after the rest of the meal. Breakfast Bread-and-butter-plates with small silver and knives now usually replace the individ- luncheon ual butter-plates. The small saucer-plates used for vegetables and for fruit sauces at luncheon, and oc- 443 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS casionally at dinner, are accepted on sufferance, one at each place is the limit of tolerance. The table should not become disordered during the meals. No matter how pleasing A dainty table tne vianc < s > an untidy table will detract from all appreciation of them to those who are accustomed to dainty serving. With some persons, only when guests are ex- pected is any effort made to beautify the table. One does not use the best china and glass every day, but the table appointments may be tasteful and dainty with but small outlay of money. Almost anything edible is made more inviting by a bit of decoration. Cold meats, eggs, hashes, etc., take on quite a new air of belonging to the higher culinary aristocracy when generously gar- nished with parsley. Tiny wedges of toast, slices of lemon, rings of blood-red beets and of small white onions, bits of cracked ice, water-cresses, appropriately bestowed, make the plainest fare more acceptable, and chops in frills of curled white paper acquire a touch of elegance quite impossible to their counterparts unattired. These chops too, placed in a circle overlapping each other upon the platter, and the space enclosed filled with peas or crisp brown potatoes, have a distinct advantage over those served in the ordi- nary way with the vegetable in a separate dish. Plain bread spread upon the loaf as in our grand- mother's day and cut in triangles as thin as wafers seems quite another thing than the commonplace 444 THE FAMILY TABLE "staff "of every-day life, and watercress sand- wiches with the breakfast coffee give almost festal suggestions to the prosaic meal. Little fringed doilies under the bread and cake are now so common as to make their absence no- ticeable, and contribute to the " finish " of a table. In summer no table is properly set without a few flowers. None are to be despised. Those least favored have the greater charm of u J *u a The table novelty, and the "dear common flow- i nsummer ers " are the prettiest to eyes accustomed to the hot-house " professional beauties." Fresh- ness is the only quality really indispensable. Even masses of leaves in their crisp freshness make a pretty centrepiece in default of flowers or ferns. Leaves also make pretty mats placed in circles under the decanters, cold dishes, and the vase or bowl holding flowers, while berries and fruit of all kinds look far more inviting when the dishes that contain them are lined with their own leaves, the setting that nature has given them. If one does not enjoy the possession of a private garden, the marketman will procure such leaves for the asking. That the dining-room should be kept as cool as possible during our tropical summer days goes without saying, and if slightly darkened, one is less conscious of the heat, for one sense helps another in its illusions. Flies should be banished on pain of death, and as they have a deeply rooted aversion to the odor of lavender and bay oil, sprigs of the one and a few drops of the other 445 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS in vessels about the room are efficacious in ban- ishing these household nuisances. The odor is appreciable to human senses only in faint little gusts of perfume that intermittently assail one's nostrils agreeably. Window-boxes of scarlet geraniums are thought in England to bar out the intruders. If ever the service a la Russe is in place, it is in warm weather, when the sight of the steaming food upon the table aggravates one's sense of discomfort. The flowers, fruit, olives, radishes, etc. sufficiently adorn the table, and the food is more inviting when not constantly in evidence. When possible, give the family the pleasure of a luncheon or tea served out of doors, under the trees or on a vine-screened piazza. Everything tastes good " al fresco." The appetite is stim- ulated as by change of air. Candlelight is a welcome relief from the glare of gas or the heat of a lamp on the tea-table, but in many households even such little accessories as candles are necessarily reserved for " company oc- casions." A pretty effect may be produced, when the chandelier over the table has no drop-light, by arranging an open Japanese umbrella under it so that the light is softly diffused and the eyes are protected from glare. I am pleading for an artistic setting of ordi- nary home meals. Such trifles add to the pleas- ant atmosphere of family life, and give proof of thoughtful consideration on the part of the home- maker that will not fail of appreciation. 446 THE FAMILY TABLE If it be objected that it makes more work for the servants, I can only answer from delightful experience that, like the famous feat of St. Denis in carrying his severed head in his arms for so many miles, " it is the first step which costs." The routine once established, such things are found to be but little trouble, and insensibly the standards of work are raised in the minds of maids as well as mistress. The cook will not prepare a chop as carelessly when she knows it is to be decked in paper furbelows. The waitress will take greater pride and interest in her work when she sees that her little efforts give pleasure. The French, who have brought the material art of living to its highest point and finish, and who are at the same time the thriftiest of peoples, know that entrees are an econ- " * omy, and study how to make food more attractive at its second presentation than before. Meat being the most costly item of table expen- diture, a " rechauffee," an entree of eggs, fish, cheese, or what not, gratifies the taste for variety, and leaves one with less appetite to be satisfied by the more expensive viands. The consciousness that an orderly, presentable table is always to be counted upon at home stimulates the best kind of hospitality, The not that which weighs and measures and kindliest repays its obligation with commercial hos P ltalit y exactness, savoring of the marketplace, because of the effort to direct the ordinary household 447 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS routine into ways commensurate with our ideas of the claims of " company." There is a wider, sweeter, simpler hospitality which lets the latch- string swing loose at the touch of a friend, which is glad at the coming of a guest and sorry at his going, which does not mind crowding and inconvenience and merry confusion if only one's home is sufficient for the sheltering of kindred and friends to the utmost boundary-line of friend- ship. Such hospitality is not chronicled in the papers, but all over the land it is making people gladder and better. The ideal home opens its doors in kindly wel- come, sharing what the family has to give, be it much or little, a source of good, like mountain springs, and sending forth from its shelter those who will found new homes like it for the blessing of generations yet to come. 448 Chapter Thirty-first CHRISTENINGS T is a pretty custom for a young mother to summon her friends to rejoice with her in her happiness and ask their welcome for the new member of her household. The time chosen for a christening is usually when the child is about six weeks old, though the knotty point of giving it a name sometimes defers it. Very few parents care now to perpetuate an ugly name, simply because it has been used in their families, although, when there is an ancestral legend or bit of romance connected with it, the lack of beauty is forgiven for the sake of the associations. The ceremony may be performed in church, just after a service, or in mid-afternoon when only personal friends are present and to the 11-111 A church sacredness of a church is added an at- christening mosphere of home privacy. In the latter case the font and chancel are some- times prettily but simply decorated with white flow- ers, and the guests occupy the forward pews. The parents and the baby with its nurse are the last to arrive, and take their places with the spon- sors in the front pews. The little one's wraps and 29 449 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS cap are removed, and wh'en the clergyman ap- proaches the font, the sponsors, and the nurse carrying the baby take their stand before him, the elder godmother with the nurse preceding the others. When the child's name is to be given, the god- mother takes the baby from the nurse and hands it to the clergyman, who afterward restores it to her, and the nurse receives it at the conclusion of the rite. After the service, if no reception follows, the friends gather about the mother and her child, expressing congratulations and admiration of the little one. There is generally a luncheon or informal recep- tion of the guests at the baby's home, as in the case of a wedding. If the christening takes place in church, of course the name of the church is mentioned in the invita- tions ; if at the house, the address is *Tp given. The accepted form of invitation invitations is either an engraved card or a written note the latter is the more customary saying, Mr. and Mrs. Bruce Talbot request the pleasure of your company at the christening of their infant daughter Gladys on Thursday, May the ninth, at one o'clock Ninety Fifth Avenue. Or an informal note may be written. 450 CHRISTENINGS Many hesitate to expose the frail treasure to the possible inclemency of the weather, and the baptism takes place at the A house christening house. Only those whose friendship is valued are usu- ally invited to a house christening, and the god- parents should be chosen from those who are likely to have the time and disposition to keep the promises they are called upon to make. The child who replied to the question " What did your sponsors, then, for you? " " Knife, fork, and spoon," summed up the whole duty of god- parents as it seems to be generally understood. The French take the matter of sponsorhood very seriously, and friends for life are secured for the child. A boy should have two godfathers and one godmother ; the order is reversed in the case of girls. The hour for the christening should be so ar- ranged as not to interfere with the child's regular sleep, and the little one should not be brought down from the nursery until everything is in readiness. The drawing-room is usually decorated with palms and plants bearing white flowers. In the cities florists will loan daisy-plants, Easter lilies, palms, and ferns for a daylight entertainment at half the price charged when the plants are to be subjected to the deleterious effects of gas. In the country nothing prettier for decoration can be 45 i ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS imagined than sprays and small branches of apple- blossoms. The space should be cleared in the centre of the room so that there may be room for the christening party to stand before the clergyman, for whose use there should be a small table, covered with a fine white linen cloth, upon which should stand a glass or silver bowl of water, wreathed with white flowers if one please. The mother or some member of the family welcomes the guests upon arrival, and at the hour named for the ceremony the clergyman takes his place near the improvised font, and the nurse carrying the baby enters the room, followed by the parents and godparents. They then stand before the clergyman, the baby being the centre of the group. When that part of the service is reached where the clergyman must take the child in his arms, the godmother takes it from the nurse and hands it to him, repeating in distinct tones the name which is to be given to the child ; and when it shall have been officially received into Christ's flock, given the sign consecrating to faithful service, and the prayer said, the godmother again takes the child, and may hold it until the conclusion of the ceremony. A few moments are allowed for every one to see and admire the baby, and as soon as possible the child should be sent back to the nursery, after which a little music generally follows. Some beautiful and famous "lullaby" or "cradle-song" 452 CHRISTENINGS is suitable to such an occasion, and the choice is a large one for either voice or piano. If nothing peculiarly appropriate to babyhood be selected, the music should be of a devotional character. The prettiest thing I ever heard at a christen- ing was a duet sung by the young mother at the piano, and a fresh young voice behind a screen of flowers. The words were those of George Mac- donald's touching little poem, beginning, " Where did you come from, baby dear?" the mother ask- ing the questions, and the answers given by the voice (behind the flowers) of a little girl about ten years old. If there is no breakfast or luncheon following the ceremony, caudle is served after the music, to those who like it. It is a very . , ... The re- thm oatmeal porridge, boiled to a f res hments jelly, with wine, spices, and raisins, after which it is thinned, sweetened, and served hot in cups. Cake and wine are also served, and the baby's health is proposed by the god- father, and all drink it, standing. The more customary entertainment is a lun- cheon, or guests are served from a large table, as at a reception. The table, if decorated with Easter lilies and tall white candles lighted, without shades, has an ef- fect of purity that is very lovely. All the cakes, bonbons, etc., should be white. The following menu in which everything is white but the coffee will answer for a breakfast or luncheon: 453 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS MENU. Clam bouillon with whipped cream Sweetbreads in white cases Supreme de Volaille Celery salad, white mayonnaise Ices or Meringues glaces Angel's food Coffee Where the purse permits the indulgence each guest may be presented with a tiny white bonbon- niere as a souvenir, upon which, in raised letters of gilt or silver, the baby's name is traced. The boxes may contain bonbons according to taste, but the top layer, at least, should be of the small, smooth sugar almonds, known as " dragees de baptme," if one would be faithful to time- honored traditions. If the company is seated at table instead of being served " en buffet," the father of the child takes in the godmother to the dining-room, the godfather sits at the right of the hostess, the clergyman at her left. He is always invited to ask a blessing. The baby's christening robe is often an heirloom, or is trimmed with lace that has family associations. It is generally made with a short waist and Dress at a j skirt. Infants' " full dress " is christening . *..... supposed to require the finishing touch of small rosettes of narrow white ribbon on either side of the little waist at the belt, and wherever on the skirt they may be appropriately bestowed. 454 CHRISTENINGS The baby's clothes should appear soft and filmy, not stiff and starchy, and, above all things, they should be comfortable. The supreme question uppermost in the mind of the mamma " whether the baby will be good " during the ordeal of being taken awkwardly in hand by those little accustomed to such offices, is best solved by making the child comfortable, and the " porte-bebe " is preferred by many to the somewhat cumbrous robe. Lying at ease on a pretty lace-trimmed pillow, the little limbs are slipped into a sort of pocket formed by a daintily embroidered coverlid, attached on three sides to the pillow. A wide satin ribbon is tied around the precious bundle, its ends meeting in a large bow at the child's waist. A " posy " has always been one of the traditional essentials of the baptismal toilette. A single Easter lily as a bouquet holder filled with lilies of the val- ley or hot-house daisies or a bunch of the blossoms themselves tucked in at the little waistband, are ap- propriate to the wearer. A pretty tea-gown is usually worn by the young mother, and the guests men and women come in formal visiting dress. The baby's nurse should wear a large apron of soft white mull, and her cap be adorned with a white satin bow. As soon as the sponsors have been notified of the time appointed for the christening it is incum- bent upon them to send the child a present. A 455 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS silver porringer, cup, or bit of jewelry, marked with the baby's name, is the usual gift. For a irl to whom a knife, fork, and if spoon have been given, the present is sometimes repeated on each successive birthday, until the twelfth is reached, when the little girl is the possessor of a full dozen of each. Every year the pattern is different, and all are marked with the dates of the presentation. A grandfather, or the godfather if he be a wealthy relative, sometimes places a sum of money in the savings-bank to the baby's credit, or presents him with a bond which with the accumulated interest is paid when the child becomes of age. Other friends invited to the christening are not expected to make the child presents, but many choose to do so, or they send flowers to the baby's mother on the day of the baptism. If the gifts are displayed, the cards are removed. It is customary for the parents of the child to give some little souvenir to the nurse on the occa- sion of a christening, as a gift from the baby. 456 Chapter Thirty-second BEDDING ANNIVERSARIES 'NLY those whose hopes have reached fruition are likely to care to observe anniversaries of the wedding day, and they are therefore joyful occasions and fitting times to show hospitality. As June strews the pathway of every bride with flowers and scatters sunshine with so lavish a hand, the " flowery month " has always been considered the most propitious for weddings, for " then, if ever, come perfect days," and the advantage re- mains for the commemorative festivities. As the happy event recedes into the dim past, every woman likes to recall that she was once a bride, and so we have multiplied the occasions, and formed a little code of rules dictating that the first anniver- sary shall have as its special feature cotton, the second paper, the third linen. The fifth has long been known as the " wooden wedding," and is the first to be generally celebrated. A little dinner, to which the former The bridal party is bidden, is the favorite wooden entertainment. wedding The table, bare of napery, but covered profusely with ferns and leaves, wooden dishes lined with foliage, and place cards of birch-bark give the 457 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS appropriate sylvan effect. Every pretext for in- troducing leaves and verdure should be taken advantage of. If it be desired to give souvenirs to the guests, a small birch-bark canoe filled with ferns or wild flowers of any kind that grow in the woods may be at each place, or an immense sawdust pie may con- tain wooden trifles to be distributed among them. The bride wears her wedding gown hardly yet out of fashion but discards the veil. Plants in tubs and pails, etchings of woodland scenes anything from a clothes-pin to a carriage is appropriate as a gift. " A family tree " care- fully drawn with correct genealogical structure would be a not inappropriate trifle to offer, and a good tool-chest is invaluable to young householders. Ten years after the wedding day comes the next milestone upon the highway of married life, called the " tin wedding," for which a recep- tion is the celebration usually chosen wedding in winter and a lawn party in summer, differing from such festivities only in that the host receives with his wife. New tinware upon the table will be found almost as effective as silver, and pretty in com- bination with pink roses or carnations. Circular cake-tins filled with flowers may wreathe the prin- cipal dishes. Any tinsmith will make flower- holders in the form of the date of the wedding and the present one, if something elaborate be 458 WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES desired, to decorate the ends of the table. Upon cards, covered smoothly with tin foil, the names of the guests may be distinctly written with a blunt pencil. The bride again wears her wedding dress, now grown sufficiently old in style to be a source of amusement, and carries her bouquet in a tin funnel. If the entertainment be out of doors, each little table should have its flower-filled tin receptacle. Music enlivens the scene, and if there is danc- ing after the ceremonious part of the entertain- ment, all present should join in a Virginia Reel, the bride and groom leading off. The gifts and table appointments may include new tin fish-horns, dust-pans, funnels, and cake tins, beribboned and filled with flowers ; and globe- shaped wire baskets used for drying lettuce, lined with silk, make charming bonbonnieres. One father gave his daughter a tin savings-bank, well capitalized, and another a bag of money, labelled " tin." The " crystal wedding " commemorates the fif- teenth anniversary. The invitations may have the dates and crest or initials sprinkled with The crystal the pulverized mica known as diamond wec jding powder" on a thin layer of mucilage. On the table cut glass should be prominent, unless one's purse forbid, when the pressed glass, imi- tating it so nearly, may well replace it. Red roses or carnations, scarlet geraniums or poppies make a striking and effective contrast with the colorless glass. A large mirror, bordered with smilax with 459 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS which red flowers are thickly entwined, and a bowl of blossoms of the same shade upon its centre make an attractive centrepiece, and one is fortu- nate if among heirlooms one possesses glass cande- labra with pendent prisms. The red candle-shades may bear the marriage dates done in crystal beads. If the entertainment be in the nature of a re- ception, the tea and coffee should be served in tumblers, as is usual in Russia for the former and in Austria for the latter. For presents, vases of all shapes and sizes, bottles containing anything one pleases, bits of Venetian glass, microscopes, magnifying-glasses, offer a wide choice. The twentieth anniversary is not celebrated by superstitious persons, but those of wider vision and untrammelled by faith in a deity The linen W ^ Q j s guided or hampered by accidents wedding 7 ._. to looking-glasses or other trifling mis- chance, enjoy their " linen wedding " anniversary, and rejoice in gifts of beautiful napery, embroi- dered doilies and centrepieces, drawn work like spider's-webs, and other devices. The blue-eyed flower of the flax plant would be the appropriate one for the decoration of the table, but as they are not readily procurable, the blue of the ragged-sailor may be a fitting substi- tute, with field daisies to give variety. A little ingenuity may form out of a dozen fringed doilies a border of linen about the flower piece, not unlike the flowers themselves, and for the occasion the old-fashioned elaborate folding of napkins at each 460 WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES place might be revived to give the title r61e of the feast the greater prominence. Next comes the silver wedding after twenty-five years of married life, which have usually crowned the heads of the maturing couple with silver. The zenith of material prosperity The Sllver wedding has usually been reached about this time, which may be one reason why it is the anniversary oftenest celebrated. The invitations, engraved in silver, are generally issued for a reception, using the " At Home " formula. The year of the wedding and the present date occupy the upper corners of the card ; the lady's maiden name and that of her husband, the lower ones. Sons and daughters take the place of ushers and bridesmaids, and aid in receiving the guests. A silver-gray gown replaces the bridal dress, which is seldom available at this time. Only relatives and intimate friends send gifts, and the request that none be sent is often written or engraved upon the invitations, one would not invite a compliment. A silver loving-cup filled with American Beauty roses was the significant and flattering gift of one elderly bridegroom upon such an occasion, and another gave a heart-shaped mirror set in silver, bearing the line engraved, " How much the wife is dearer than the bride." Silverware should be much in evidence on the table, with which nothing is prettier in contrast 461 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS than pink roses, particularly by artificial light. Fortunately for light purses, June roses blush as prettily in plated ware as in more costly setting. Candle-shades, cakes, bonbons, all should conform to the rose-colored note that should be the dom- inant one morally and materially. It is a pretty custom for the bride and groom to repeat their wedding journey. Few have the golden opportunity of celebrating their fiftieth anniversary. The invitations should be engraved in gilt, the bride should wear ' n some souvenir of her wedding finery, wedding ' and the gown itself be upon exhibition. The aged bride should leave to younger heads and hands the preparations for her guests, and she may with all propriety receive them seated. A wicker chair is easily decorated after the manner of a carriage at a flower-parade. The groom may be likewise provided for, or he may stand at his wife's side for a time and then mingle with the guests. All the children, grandchildren, and great-grand- children should be present, a family gathering. The rooms and table should be gay with golden blossoms, the decorations suggesting ripeness, culmination, yellow maple boughs, ripe wheat, goldenrod in autumn, chrysanthemums, daffodils. Nature is always prodigal of yellow bloom. The presents need only suggest in color the precious metal. At the close all might join in singing " Auld Lang Syne " as a fitting climax to the occasion. 462 Chapter Thirty- third FUNERALS J T is when our skies are clear that we should acquaint ourselves with matters to learn which is an added torture when the shadows of be- reavement darken about us. At funerals, however simple and private, system is needed to insure dignity. Aiming at informality, we sometimes have disorder. The preparations are committed to the care of an undertaker, who makes all arrange- ments, guided by the wishes and tastes of the family. The custom is growing in favor of hanging the door-bell of a house of mourning with flowers in- stead of the funeral crape, emphasizing thoughts of resurrection rather than of death. The shades should be drawn over the windows at the front of the house, the bell muffled, and a servant detailed to be at the door to receive and transmit messages. The burial clothing for men is usually that worn in life. For women a night-dress or wrapper aids the illusion that they have fallen asleep. The clergymen and pall-bearers, when there are any, are invited by note. Into the hands of some masculine member of the family or some trustworthy, intimate friend, 463 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS are usually confided the preparations for the fu- neral. He sees .that the announcement is made in the newspapers, confers with the sexton, arranges for the funeral procession, if the ceremony takes place at church, makes the appointment for the meeting of the pall-bearers, if such are invited to serve, and spares the family whatever painful de- tails connected with the funeral he may. Some woman friend may generally be counted upon to arrange for a dressmaker to call to take orders and give the necessary fittings for suitable mourning for the women of the bereaved family, do what shopping is needed, and make herself actively and tactfully useful. Unless it is requested that no flowers be sent, intimate friends intrust their messages of sympa- thy to them, the blossoms always seeming to express just what heart would say to heart. Speech is often too gross and written words are too cold to say what we would, however tem- pered by feeling. The flowers are no longer tortured into stiff forms, ungraceful and costly, but sent in large, loose clusters, wreaths, and sprays. The choice is not necessarily confined to white blossoms, and palm branches suggest the soul's victory. The casket the word itself is merciful is usually covered with black cloth, but violet, pale gray, or even white has been used for young per- sons. Flowers cover the entire lid, and the custom of leaving the face of the dead exposed to the 464 FUNERALS gaze of the curious or indifferent is wisely being abandoned, as is also the custom of sitting up with the body before the funeral. At a house funeral the family remain .... . i , A house upstairs or behind a curtained doorway, f une ral but within reach of the clergyman's voice. Panegyrics of the dead are obsolete, even an address is rarely made after the funeral service unless the family desire it, and selections from the Bible are read. Two or three hymns are sung, by persons usually screened from view. At the end of the service those who are not go- ing to the burial quietly disperse. Carriages are in waiting for the relatives and near friends. Some- times only the male relatives are present at the interment. The sensible custom of leaving cards at funerals is finding general acceptance. Attendance is usu- ally prompted by a desire to show respect for the dead and sympathy for the living, but if it is not known whether or not one was present, the act of courtesy fails of recognition. It is now the almost universal custom to hold funerals in churches. The congregation of friends assembles, and when the hearse arrives, ... . . . . . , f A church with the carriages containing the fam- funeral ily, the organ plays and the procession passes up the aisle. The casket is carried in ad- vance, the near relatives follow arm in arm in the order of the degree of kinship, and seat themselves in the front pews at the right of the church. When 3 o 465 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS there are palt-bearers, they act as a guard of honor. The clergyman generally meets the casket, and reads the burial service as he precedes it up the aisle. It is then deposited upon a catafalque draped in black and often covered with flowers. The casket itself is also covered with Easter lilies, violets, or other blossoms, or a pall of ivy leaves, thickly sewn on some thin material, that falls about it like a drapery. The return of the family down the aisle facing the congregation is very trying, and to obviate this, the custom is obtaining for the casket to be in its place in the church and the family seated in the forward pews before the rest of the people assemble. At the close of the services the clergyman announces that " the interment will take place at the convenience of the family," and all dis- perse, after which the family enter carriages and follow the hearse to the cemetery. The more pri- vate a funeral can be made, the more is it in harmony with one's finer instincts. It is the thoughtful custom of many to send the flowers after the funeral to the hospitals, except such as have been given by the family or by near and dear friends, which are left upon the casket. If the flowers are by their arrangement suggestive to the patients of the use to which they have been put, the nurses take them apart and distribute them. 466 FUNERALS In Protestant communities there is no specific charge made, either for opening a church for a funeral, or for conducting the services there or at the house. It is customary, * ' expenses however, where people are well to do, to offer to the officiating clergyman some substan- tial recognition of his services, and where the fun- eral is held in church, the sexton expects a fee, which in New York is usually from ten to twenty- five dollars. Nothing is expected from persons in moderate circumstances. The organist and chor- isters are paid according to what their ability can command. A carriage is sent to the clergyman's house, and placed at his disposal until his return there after the service at the cemetery. Carriages are also provided for the members of the family, the pall- bearers, and such relatives and friends as care to go to the cemetery after the funeral at house or church. Where pall-bearers are requested to serve as a guard of honor for they no longer carry the cas- ket upon their own shoulders, as was for- merly the custom they meet at the house of the deceased, and from thence proceed to the church in carriages provided for them. Six or eight persons is the usual number invited. In the vestibule the procession forms, and the pall-bearers precede the casket, walking two by two, returning after the services, in the same order. In driving to the cemetery, their carriages follow that of the clergyman, which goes next after the hearse. 467 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS Black gloves are sometimes furnished these gen- tlemen, through the undertaker or sexton, but the mourning scarfs with which they used to be in- vested are now rarely seen. The open grave is often lined with flowers or evergreen, the earth heaped at its side covered The last with green boughs or white blossoms. resting- One would suggest thoughts, not of p ace a body committed to the earth, but of a soul passed to happiness. The flowers sent by friends are carried in the hearse and left upon the closed grave. Only near friends usually ac- company the remains of the deceased to the ceme- tery. We would have only those about us whom we love or who loved the one whom we mourn at such times, although conventionality and the presence of others often brace our efforts at self- control. The fulsome flatteries, the ludicrous attempts at poetry, that it used to be the custom to inscribe upon tombstones have brought about epitaph a react i n m favor of the simplest possible record of the name, with dates of birth and death. In Puritan times, when anything verging upon compliment was regarded as a snare of the evil one, the epitaph was often the first recognition openly expressed of the worth and virtues of the deceased. Death broke down the barriers of reticence, and the pent-up love and feeling found their outlet in the epitaph. 468 FUNBR A LS There is a little grave in a New England " God's acre" upon which one reads the touching words after the name, " And Jesus called a little child." A tombstone has often preached to those who " would flee a sermon." Now even the texts of Scripture which devout hearts have found sat- isfaction in associating with the resting-place of their beloved dead, are rarely inscribed upon the stones and monuments. Persons in affliction need quiet and considera- tion, to have their wishes consulted in few words, their feelings spared. They are fortu- u t i A c j After the nate who have some kind tnend to f unera i show unobtrusive kindness, to write notes, see visitors, arrange flowers, and during the absence of the famjly at the interment see that the house is restored to its accustomed order and a comfortable meal awaits their return. A few words of thanks on a visiting-card is regarded as all-sufficient recognition for flowers or other evidences of thoughtful sympathy sent to those who are bereaved. Mourners signify their desire to re-enter society by sending or leaving their cards upon friends and acquaintances. The world has grown tolerant of the presence of persons in mourning at concerts, lectures, read- ings, and even at opera matinees, recognizing with sympathy and suspension of all criticism the wis- dom of people's doing what they can now and then to ease their heart-ache and dispel their gloom. 469 Chapter Thirty -fourth SERVANTS HE evidence of good breeding is never more conspicuous than in the treatment of those in inferior posi- tions and especially of our own dependents. There is an etiquette governing such relations that is the more binding because it can only be enforced by our personal sense of justice and propriety. The fact that the provocation is sometimes ex- cessive does not excuse a lapse on the part of those who presumably may claim superior ad- vantages of training, education, and refinement. There is a well-known story of an old Scotch divine who, in his deep conviction of the possi- bilities of good in everybody, exhorted his con- gregation to pray for the great Adversary, adding, in pitying tones, " Naebodie praighs for the puir deil." In common with the old Scotchman, one may assume that servants are made better by exactly the same principles that the rest of the world is improved. Few are so bad that they cannot be touched and reclaimed by kindness, and eye- service changed to heart-service. There is no doubt that reform is needed in our domestic service. Idiocy would sometimes seem 470 SERVANTS to be no disqualification for positions in the household; but, incompetence aside, many em- ployers complain of impertinence, laziness, care- less indifference. It might be eloquently demonstrated that there may be fault on both sides, but at least the best way to reform the world is always to begin with ourselves. I do not advocate a sentimental attitude towards servants or a system of petting and coddling, that would only spoil and make them in- To ma k e sufferable; but even on purely selfish good grounds to secure good service, they servants should be treated with the consideration that one would expect to receive, were the positions reversed, never forgetting that they are fellow- mortals, not machines. Familiarity and intimacy with servants only lower the mistress to their level in their regard, and yet a decided politeness of tone in addressing them, while pleasing by its cordiality, conveys a sense of superior breeding that is " as a great gulf fixed." Such a manner is the most effective check to a threatened impertinence. They are not used to have their ebullitions of temper met in a cool, calm, polite tone of gentle inquiry into their griev- ances. It disconcerts them and robs them of their accustomed weapons. Chesterfield says that " Politeness is one's best defence against other people's manners." ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS This attitude is, of course, only possible when one has one's own temper well in hand, and our ascendency is at an end if we are seen to lose our equanimity. It is better to fly incontinently from the scene and wait until one can reprimand in a judicial spirit, rather than descend to their level and give angry look for look and word for word. When engaging a servant, one should exact a reliable reference, and when possible see the last employer personally. The character of ngagmg ^ e j & , W ^ Q S t j ie < c h arac t er " is a servant not unimportant. Servants should be told exactly what is to be expected of them. If one tries to make the work appear as easy as pos- sible, it is often misleading, and the servants are disappointed and grow dissatisfied. One trouble comes from the fact that our housewives are not business women. When a maid newly enters one's service, one cannot but sympathize with the loneliness insep- arable from new faces and surroundings, the critical focussing of many pairs of beginning * r eyes, and the consciousness of being judged by trifles. It is but right for the mistress to express her hope, in pleasant, cordial tones, that she may be happy in the household, and give her in charge of some special fellow-servant, with instructions to " make her feel at home." Her duties should be defined as clearly as possible, leaving one's self, however, a loophole of escape from iron-bound rules, by telling the girl that 472 SERVANTS whatever she is asked to do is her work. This also binds the mistress to fairness and considera- tion, and to see that others do not impose upon her. All should be in order before she comes. A paper of written instructions, given at the out- set, helps servants to systematize their work and relieves untrained ones especially of the feeling of vague uncertainty about what is expected of them. It is wise to assure them that the faithful perform- ance of their duties will always be noted and appreciated, securing the good-will and friendship of their mistress that may be of service even in after years, and also to warn them plainly, but kindly, at the beginning that their reference when they leave will be frank and honest, that no untruths will be told to palliate their faults of dis- position or neglect of duty. Employers are often so eager to rid themselves of an undesirable ser- vant, that they will " stretch a point " in the recommendation, in order to throw the burden on some one else, who maybe already carrying heavy ones. This is surely fraudulent dealing with our neighbor. As soon as new servants come to the house, their full names and home addresses should be registered, in case of sudden illness or death. They dislike very much the idea of being sent to a hospital among strangers. I heard of a case where a girl died suddenly at a house where she had lived two years, without her mistress even knowing her full name. 473 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS It is generally understood that after a week's trial the employer is able to judge whether or not the servant is likely to suit the require- ment f the place. If, after that, he or she is discharged before the month is up, the servant is entitled to the wages for the entire month, and from four days to a week's notice that the service will not be longer required. Should servants choose to leave suddenly of their own accord before the month has expired, their wages would be forfeited for the unserved time. It is a manifest truism, of course, that the mis- tress of a house should know how work ought to be done, and how to guide her servants The mistress to ' ts satisfactory accomplishment. The age of model housekeepers is not now, however, and to those who know themselves defi- cient it is wise not to assume a virtue if they have it not. Humbug in any form invites contempt. It will impose upon no one for long, and one figures in a somewhat ridiculous light before one's servants when, unconsciously to us, they see through the sham. It would be wiser to overlook the work as a learner, and frankly admit that one wants to see how the work should be done. It usually spurs them to painstaking effort, and the assurance of one's confidence in their ability incites even slightly conscientious persons to do their best for a time. Later, one is qualified to judge them by their own standards. 474 SERVANTS The work should be fairly divided. The com- parative liberty of some servants is a source of envy and jealousy to others. Systematic methods will give them the often much-needed rest. When a woman knows how work should be done and how to direct others, it is often wise to let servants do their own way at first, and, if not satisfactory, they may be instructed, not arbi- trarily, but patiently, showing them the advantages of the new method. Nagging surveillance will spoil a good servant. Commendation for some particular thing well done often insures its continued performance. There is no one but the mistress to say the pleasant word of praise that we all crave and enjoy. It gives a marvellous incentive to deserve the continued good opinion of those whom we think we have pleased. Praise for something well-done is often a tactful preface to fault-finding about things ill done. If regarded as worthy of confidence, servants, like the rest of humanity, are more likely to de- serve it. They should have the same benefit of the doubt, at least, that the law accords to crimi- nals, that they are innocent until proved guilty; in other words, that they are competent, likable, and satisfactory until they prove themselves other- wise. A good mistress is even and just in her management, not overlooking faults when in ami- able mood and magnifying them in moments of annoyance. 475 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS Servants are apt to copy the manners of their employers. If the heads of the house are courte- ous or brusque, so are the servants likely to be. " Please," either expressed or implied in the tone of voice, should frequently preface an order, and " Thank you," acknowledge its execution if it is some personal service, and to wish them a pleas- ant "good-morning" has a distinct educational value. Children should be required to ask for any special service courteously, not demand it, and their reasonable requests should be granted. Scolding, when irritated, never does any good except as an ignoble vent to one's feelings. An- ger is contagious, and a sharp reprimand often seems to cancel the fault in the opinion of the delinquent, especially if given in the presence of others, which is always a mistake. One should not blame unduly for accidents, but require that they be reported at once. A self-respecting mis- tress does not discuss her affairs with her servants, nor listen to their gossip about other households. When possible, each servant should have her own room, or at least her own bureau and part The f a c l set - A maid's bedroom is an servants' important factor in her education as a rooms household servant. It should not only be neat, comfortable, and decently furnished, but made home-like, showing a personal thought for her pleasure, on the part of her mistress, that stirs warm and kindly impulses, likely to express themselves in dutiful service. 476 SERVANTS If servants are engaged monthly, they should be paid promptly on the day that the wages are due. If each one's account is kept in a blank ^,, The rights book, and shown at each payment, there and privi- will never be any confusion about the le es of amount due. Some mistresses require the servant's signature at each payment of wages. One often hears servants blamed for ingratitude when they leave a good home for a place where slightly higher wages may be secured. It is a flaw in the make-up of many of us that self-interest is paramount to other considerations. These people have but one life to live, and a woman relying for support solely upon her own exertions has many dark possibilities to face. Parents are dependent upon them, sickness may come, and old age must be provided for. Often an extra dollar a month means greater ability to keep those who are dear, sometimes only the op- portunity for more fuss and feathers upon the Sunday bonnet, for Bridget has her reputation as a woman of fashion to sustain among her peers, as well as her mistress, and dress seemingly has an allurement for the sex irrespective of class distinctions. It is the grievance of some mistresses that their servants are quarrelsome. It is not to be won- dered at, upon reflection. Taken promiscuously from many homes, with different training, dispo- sitions, even nationalities, we expect them to live and work together in harmony. We sometimes find 477 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS it hard to live with uncongenial people, even with our superior wisdom and philosophy. Many never go out by daylight, except on an occasional Sunday, and no wonder that the heat of the kitchen fire is sometimes communicated to the temper. Where a little pleasure is brought within their reach, to be enjoyed together, the bad humors often vanish like mist before sunshine. Nothing so quickly promotes reciprocal kindness of feeling as a community of enjoyment. A few fifty-cent tick- ets to some show or a summer afternoon's outing has often exorcised the worst of humors and turned foes into friends. The old adage about " All work and no play " is as true of them as of the rest of us. They should be allowed part of a day each week, or some stated time, for recreation, and part of every second Sun- day, with which nothing should be allowed to interfere, except in extreme cases, when its relin- quishment should be accepted as a favor. The house or kitchen is the servants' workshop, and they naturally wish to take their pleasure else- where. Then, too, they have their troubles, home anxieties, ill-health, that they must hide or risk the loss of their place, dependence upon the wills (some- times the moods) of others. These things sadden and sour the disposition, if there is no relief in some little recreation. Many of them are young, with youth's natural craving for pleasure. It is natural that they should 478 SERVANTS try to get amusement, too, when they see the young ladies of the house often living for little else. I think that some room (perhaps the front base- ment) should be set apart for their use, comfortably furnished with lounge, rocking-chairs, a lamp or drop-light, and provided with games, last month's magazines, and a little library of entertaining books. Here they should be allowed to receive their friends as long as they behave quietly and prop- erly. Men friends? Yes. Why should we drive young girls out of the safe shelter of the home, to meet their lovers in the streets and parks? A good mistress will speak a kindly word to her maids, as between woman and woman, when occa- sion seems to call for it. She will be sympathetic in their troubles, show an interest in their health, in the investment of their savings, and respect their religious views. Every servant in the household should be given time to attend church on Sunday. When the house is left in the charge of servants, they are entitled to good wages. Responsible care deserves payment as well as manual labor. If the house is closed and one wishes to retain their ser- vices, a definite arrangement should be made to that effect. To promise to " do what is right " by another may lead to misunderstanding, owing to different standpoints. If one servant wants special help from another, the request should be made to the mistress, who 479 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS gives the order to the servant. It saves much friction to avoid sending orders by one servant to another. Servants should be well supplied with the uten- sils to facilitate their work. It is often ill-done because of the lack of proper implements. Like children, they may clamor loudly for the redress of some trifling grievance, but submit with patient dumbness to real hardships and handicaps which seem to go so often with undeveloped intellects. In well-regulated households there is a special day set apart for each special work, and everything done in its order. " Trained " servants, in this country, are as rare as they are delightful. Their manner is reticent Well _ and respectful. They never speak un- trained less they are spoken to, without the servants preliminary " I beg your pardon." They stand, until invited to speak by being asked what they want. Every order is ac- knowledged by a respectful " Yes, sir, " " Yes, ma'am," or "madam," if accustomed to a little more ceremony. " All right " from a servant is insufferably rude. They address their employ- ers and their friends in the third person, and preface the names of the younger members of the household by " Miss " or " Master." Their work is done with thoroughness, but the worker is little in evidence. There are no obtrusive brushes and brooms. They tread lightly, close doors quietly, their voices are heard only when 480 SERVANTS necessary. With the wooden decorum that is the glory of an English servant we can dispense, but a well-trained butler or maid never appears to hear or heed the conversation at table. The women servants wear no gewgaws, no jewelry; their dress is neat, plain, and appropriate. The men are clean-shaven. In households where the servants are properly trained, no one of them will sit in the presence of a member of the family or their friends. Whether addressed or not, they rise at the appearance of all but the young children. They do not enter a room without knocking. They present cards and small parcels upon a tray, never in the hand. When visitors are about to leave the house, the butler or waitress is on the alert to open the door for them, and closes it only when they have descended the steps. The men belonging to the service of the garden or stable touch their hats or their foreheads with the two first fingers of the right hand, when ad- dressed and again when acknowledging an order. The women-servants should be called " maids," not " girls." Some mistresses make no distinction between their daughters and their maid-servants. One speaks too of " housemaids," not " chamber- maids," which suggest a hotel or a steamboat, as "waiter" recalls a restaurant, and " waiter-man" relegates one to a distance beyond the social pale. " Butler " and " footman " are the correct terms. It is the sum of such trifles that marks the dif- 31 481 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS ference between good-breeding and the lack of it. Diminutives of the names of servants should never be used. In England the head maids are called by their surnames, but they have the ad- vantage of us. " Parker," " Carter," is not un- pleasing to the ear, but to avoid a possible " O'Shaunessy " or " O'Flaherty," we keep on the safe ground of the simpler baptismal names, and anything savoring of affectation is not good form. It is the proper courtesy to the servants of our friends, who are known to us, to show them recog- The at- nition by a pleasant greeting, and to tendants of the nurse who shows a baby one bows our friends anc j sm iles before turning one's atten- tion to her charge. The trained nurse of a sick friend should also receive a courteous word or bow recognizing her presence, though she does not come under the head of servant. The nurse is the most important servant in the household. Patience, even temper, justice, and a Th real love of children are necessary quali- fications for the position, to say nothing of high moral character and absolute truthfulness. Orderly or disorderly ways in the nursery often leave their impression for life. Our standards are unconsciously established very early. She has the entire responsibility of the children and of the mending and care of their clothes. No nurse should ever be authorized to punish a child. That 482 SERVANTS should be clearly understood to be exclusively the parents' duty. A lady's maid should have the entire charge of the wardrobe of her mistress, be a deft needle- woman, and a fair " coiffeuse," or at least know how to care for the hair. In ma ici travelling she packs and unpacks her mistress's clothes, and every day assists her at her toilets, lays forth the garments she wishes to wear, draws her bath, goes upon errands, and keeps her room tidy, though she takes no part in the house- work. If attached to the service of young women, she is expected to accompany them to and from dances, dinners, etc. It is the cook's responsibility, not only to pre- pare the meals, but to keep the kitchen, pantries, ice-box, etc., perfectly clean, to wash , The cook the dishes used at the servants table, and the platters and vegetable dishes in use upon that of the family. She answers the basement bell, locks the door at night, and is required to keep all her cooking utensils in perfect order. This, if unassisted by a kitchen maid. If the lady enter the kitchen, the cook and all other servants should rise at her appearance and remain standing, the one addressed giving undivided attention to what she has to say. The work of a kitchen or scullery maid is to keep the kitchen clean, as well as the closets, ice- box, and cooking utensils. She rises early, makes 483 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS the fire, and gets the servants' breakfast. She often cooks all the servants' meals, answers the The basement bell, washes the dishes, pre- kitchen pares the vegetables for the cook, and maid as her assistant does whatever she in reason requires. The work of the housemaids is to care for all the rooms except those on the drawing-room floor. Not only sweeping and dusting The house- them, washing windows and cleaning maids grates, but keeping them in constant supervision, that they may never appear untidy. They have charge of the bed-linen. In some households they do some mending, and in yet more modest ones they assist with the fine wash- ing. Where a waitress is kept, the housemaid is her assistant upon occasion, washing dishes and taking her place when it is her privilege to go out. The butler has charge of the whole drawing- room floor, unless assisted by a second man or parlor-maid, in which case he The butler r . . . - or waitress superintends their work of cleaning windows, sweeping, dusting, etc. He is responsible for all, and especially for the table and its appointments, that the silver be well kept, the table properly and attractively set and well served. He waits upon the door-bell all day, or, if he has an assistant, in the afternoon only. He brings the afternoon tea-tray to his mistress, and to him is often intrusted the care of the wines. It 484 SERVANTS is his duty to lock the front door at night and to sit up until all the household is within. He often serves in some measure as valet for the master of the house, and, where he has efficient assistance, the valeting is a part of his regular duty. The butler is called by his last name, the under footmen by their Christian names. The more responsible position is recognized by a more formal mode of address. He is in large measure responsible for the hospitality of the house. On him it depends that all the guests are received with promptness, courtesy, and careful attention. His dress and appearance will be spoken of in the ensuing chapter. In rare cases he has the charge of the furnace, sidewalk, and cleaning the shoes of the master. The duties of a waitress are the same as those of a butler, except that valeting is not expected of her. The place of the butler or waitress in the dining-room is behind the chair of the mistress when not occupied in serving. The second man or footman is the butler's assistant. He does the sweeping on the parlor floor, washes the windows, takes care of Footman the butler's pantry, washes dishes, and and parlor answers the door-bell, in the morning. maid He cares for the front door, steps, and vestibule, and aids the butler in serving the dinner, and the luncheon when required. The parlor-maid's duties are the same. When the second man 485 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS appears on the box of the carriage of his mistress, his service is required only in the afternoon, and then generally for the purpose of card-leaving or when she pays visits. He is then not the coach- man's assistant, but the lady's special servant, and is called a footman, his duties, however, are those of a carriage-groom when in attendance upon a carriage. A valet is his master's body-servant. His prin- cipal duties are the care of his employer's ward- robe and toilet ; he draws his bath, lays The valet / out his clothes, and waits upon him until he leaves the house. Some men require their valets to shave them. The valet is occupied during the day in doing errands, paying bills, pressing and caring for his master's clothes, or whatever is required of him. In travelling, he packs and unpacks the trunks and satchels, checks the luggage, buys the tickets, and carries the small " impedimenta." In Europe he travels second class, and in this country is never given a place in a drawing-room car. Sometimes a capable and obliging valet performs the duties of a butler, especially in a bachelor's establishment. A page, or " buttons," waits upon the door, runs errands, sometimes appears on 16 page the box of a carriage, but never serves at table. i The position of coachman is a responsible one. The health and condition of the horses, their grooming and shoeing, the care and appearance 486 SERVANTS of the carriages, harness, and saddles, the state of the stables, are among his personal duties, or the rough work is done by the grooms . The and stable-men who are under his or- coac h ma n ders. He drives his employers when- ever and wherever it is their pleasure to go, and should familiarize himself with the routes in the country and the streets, shops, and favorite resorts in town of the family with whom he has taken service. While on the box, his attention should be wholly given to his horses. He sits erect, his shoulders well back, his feet together. Should his employers or their friends give him a word or smile of greet- ing, he responds only by touching his hat, which he repeats in recognition of an order, unless transmitted through another servant. The coach- man's dress and appearance will be considered in the next chapter. Where no groom is kept, a coachman must in addition to his other duties be a species of outside general servant, calling for orders every morning, and doing such errands as may be required that will not conflict with the performance of his stable service. A carriage groom is the coachman's first assist- ant in the stables and takes his orders from him. In the country he often drives the TT^ smaller traps or sits behind his mas- grooms ter or mistress should one of them hold the reins. He also rides behind the ladies in the parks or on country roads, and should therefore be 487 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS an experienced horseman. In a crowded street his place should be close behind his mistress, while in the park or the country he falls farther back, but never beyond easy call. He should look straight before him, never appearing to notice what goes on around him. When in attendance on a carriage, as it stands before the door, he stands beside it. He touches his hat at the appearance of his mistress, opens the carriage door for her, places the robe over her lap, touches his hat in recognition of her order, and again as he turns away after closing the carriage door, and repeats her order to the coachman. When the carriage stops before a private house, he springs lightly and promptly to the ground, runs up the steps, rings the bell, and returning to the carriage, opens the door, touches his hat, and awaits orders. When the carriage stops before a shop, church, or at a house where a reception is in progress, he does not mount again to the box after opening the door for his mistress, but waits her return on the sidewalk, ready to signal for the advance of the carriage when she appears. When in attendance on a trap driven by his master or mistress, the groom stands at the horses' heads until the driver is seated and ready, when he mounts behind, holding himself upright with folded arms. The under grooms do the work of the sta- ble, but do not drive. A bachelor establishment is sometimes well served by a capable woman or man, who is general 488 SERVANTS factotum, doing the cooking, caring for the apart- ment, doing the valeting, and waiting A at table. bachelor's Others employ a man and his wife. servants The former does the valeting, and is steward and butler ; the woman attends to the cooking, the laundry, and makes up the bed. Sometimes two or three bachelors club together, and have servants in common. When a groom is kept, his duties do not differ from the service required of him by others, except that a bachelor's turnout and servants are expected to be faultlessly neat, and if plain are thought to be in the better taste. 489 Chapter Thirty-fifth SERVANTS' DRESS [HERE are certain fixed rules which good taste recognizes and imposes in the matter of servants' attire. Housemaids wear print gowns in the morning, and in some house- holds, even in the afternoon, black gowns are not always insisted upon. With the print gown is worn a plain white apron, without bib or bretelles, House- l n enough to extend to the hem of maid's the gown. The strings are tied at the dress back in a full bow with ends. The model of the gown is very plain, with simple white linen collar. The cap is a three-cornered bit of Swiss muslin, tucked, embroidered, or plain, with a ruching around it. The hair is plainly arranged without curl or bang. The waitress and parlor-maid also wear print gowns until noon, but they are exchanged for Waitress black ones before serving the luncheon. and parlor- The cap is a smart little affair with black maid velvet bow. The ample apron, with or without bib and bretelles, a deep turned-over linen collar and cuffs to match, give an air of extreme neatness. This costume is the woman's equivalent for a " dress-suit." Of course no stock 49 SERVANT S' DRESS or ribbon is allowable. The aprons, caps, collars, and cuffs are provided by the employer. In some cases the black gown is also furnished. Shirt waists and dark skirts are not permissible. In the street maids are expected to dress quietly. Those belonging to the best houses wear small bonnets and dark gowns. Jewelry and any ex- aggeration of fashion mark a servant as " second- class." The fashion of recent years is to dress the infant's nurse according to the French " nou-nou " costume. A wide circular cloak of gray or black cloth is worn in the street, dress and the large cap which covers the head has around it a full ruching of wide ribbon with long ends. In the house the nurse wears the same style of cap but without the ribbons, a print gown, and a large apron with bretelles. When fashion, however, comes into conflict with sterling qualities, fashion goes to the wall, but personal neatness should be insisted upon. Many persons now have trained nurses from the hospitals for little babies. They ask but the usual nurse's wages for the first two years after leaving the training-school, and wear the costume of their order. Children's nurses and ladies' maids wear black gowns with small white aprons ; they do not wear caps. The cook's appearance should be conspicuous for its neatness. Whether she goes upstairs to 491 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS her mistress for her daily orders or receives that lady's visit in the kitchen, she should Cook's * . , , dress wear a c ' ean P nnt gown and ample apron, with hair tightly and neatly ar- ranged. A butler should be clean-shaven ; a moustache is not tolerated, and his hands and nails should Butler's ^ e we ^ kept and immaculately clean, dress and Gloves are no longer worn. The shaving appearance j nsures careful bathing and cleansing, and gives a pleasant impression of good grooming and personal attention. A bit of short side whisker, closely cut, is permissible for a butler, particularly for an elderly man. In the morning, until after luncheon, a black suit with jacket is permissible for the butler, but not so correct as the Tuxedo coat and low waist- coat, with black tie, shoes light enough to insure a noiseless step, no rings, no watch-chain visible, and with studs and sleeye-buttons of plain mother- of-pearl. When there are guests at luncheon, a butler should be dressed in the same manner as when opening the door for afternoon calls or serving at dinner, a swallow-tail coat, black waistcoat (never a white one), and white tie. The butler is not expected to open the door, by the way, in case a second man is kept. The butler usually waits alone on the table at breakfast and luncheon. The second man wears at luncheon when there are guests, at dinner, 492 SERVANT S' DRESS and under all circumstances after noon, what looks like a dress-coat ; it is very like it in cut, but it is never black, except in case of mourn- , f , , , , . , Footman's ing, but of some dark color, cut high, dress showing a waistcoat of striped Valencia, trousers like the coat, piped to match the waist- coat. Brass or silver buttons ornament the front, cuffs, and tails of the coat. The coat-collar may be of velvet or not; white linen standing collar, with white tie. If one has not a second man and wishes to put the butler on a lady's carriage for calling or driv- ing in the park, he should wear the second man's livery, with white gloves and silk hat; in cold weather a greatcoat to match that worn by the coachman. This coat is kept in the house, not the stable, as should be all rugs used by ladies. Certain establishments with more than the aver- age regard for form and English precedent put their house footmen in what is termed a court coat, suitable to be worn with knee-breeches and buckles, a plush waistcoat, low-buckled shoes, and black silk stockings. All the men-servants of the house should wear the same livery. A page should wear the " Buttons " suit. The name comes from the nineteen bullet-shaped buttons used on the coat. The livery is of colored cloth with pipings of a con- * ge s dress trasting color. The collar should be high and white ; white tie, and a cap to match the suit, when running errands. 493 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS The valet wears no livery unless when filling the r6le of butler, when he would dress as does that functionary. Ordinarily he wears Valet's , a sacque suit of dark tweeds, with a Derby hat in the street, adding dark gloves when travelling. Livery, though dating from the days when the , family retainers were dressed for battle, Livery for J coachman tourney, and crusade in the distinctive and dress of their feudal lords, has its place carnage m Qur moc j ern }jf e anc j good form pre- groom scribes hard and fast rules for its use. The coachman's body-coat, single-breasted and buttoned high, varies in length according to whether it be worn with breeches or trousers. If with breeches, its length is determined by the reach of the man's arm hanging at his side, his third finger extended marks its edge. If worn with trousers, it should reach to about three inches above the knee. The groom's coat is two inches shorter than that of the coachman, in either case. The coachman's coat has side flap pockets to dis- tinguish it from that of the groom, his servant, and but four buttons on the tails instead of the groom's six, two at the waist and two at the end of the coat-tail; the intermediate pair are omitted, as the coachman does not leave his seat, and, useless for ornament, they would but wear the seat covering. The color of the livery must match the carriage linings, and the buttons should be of the same metal as are the trimmings of the harness, except 494 SERVANT S' DRESS in case of mourning livery, when the buttons are of black cloth. The coats may have velvet collars of black or a dark color matching or contrasting well with the cloth. The " Handbook of Heraldry " condemns crest or monogram on the buttons. They should be either plain, or charged with the master's badge. Shoulder-knots and cockades on the hats are allowable only for servants of army or naval officers and members of the diplomatic corps. Trousers matching the coat are always in good taste, preferable at night or in stormy weather, but not so " smart " as top-boots and breeches. The latter are made of stockingette or buckskin, tech- nically called " leathers." The boots are of heavy calfskin, with broad soles, the tops usually col- ored a rich tan or mahogany sometimes of pink or white ooze skin, when the servants are in attendance upon a lady's carriage. The waistcoat, ordinarily made of striped va- lencia, is often simulated by having a separate strip of the goods sewed inside the collar of the body- coat, and a heavy frieze wool-lined waistcoat is worn in winter. Some persons prefer that great- coats be worn only when necessary, body-coats being thought much smarter, but these consid- erations are not only trivial but culpable where the health and comfort of the men are concerned. The washable, white, plain linen plastron is worn with a collar that stands an inch and a quarter above the livery coat. A " horsey " scarf-pin, 495 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS some persons think, lends a certain finish, but coachman and groom must be dressed exactly alike. A silk hat and loose tan or white buckskin gloves complete the costume. The greatcoat for coachmen is double-breasted, and should reach to three inches above the ankle, except when wearing breeches, when it should be somewhat shorter. That of the groom should not exceed in length a point beyond five inches below the knee, to facilitate ease and quickness of movement in jumping on and off the box. Coach- man and groom should be clean shaven and freshly shaven. A coachman may wear short " tabs." A pad-groom's body-coat should be longer in the body, and the skirts twelve inches above the top-button of the breeches. A brown leather belt two and a half inches wide, finished with a square bar buckle matching the livery buttons, is worn around the waist. The overcoats or dummy box- coats, folded and hanging collar down from the back of the seat, the men sitting on the skirts, are not in favor, but are very occasionally used with a lady's open carriage. Mackintoshes should be of cloth texture, single- 7 O breasted, with side flap pockets, with hat-cover to match. Knit gloves are best for stormy weather. A large umbrella should always be carried with a brougham, underneath the skirt of the seat, ready for instant use. The aprons and robes should be lined with plain colored cloths. The silver medal- 496 SERVANT S' DRESS lion placed in the centre of the top is not only for ornament. To its under side is attached a strap which is fastened to the seat rail, holding the robe in place while the groom jumps on and off the carriage. The aprons should match the carriage lining. Those used for four-in-hand or tandem driving should strap around the waist, and reach only to the ankle when standing. Bearskin furs wear the best. The cap is round in shape, the cape should reach the elbow : the gloves gauntlets. In summer the undress livery is worn , . Summer except upon a victoria, brougham, or ii ve ry landau. Undress livery is made of whipcord, into either a suit with jacket, or a coat with flap pockets rather short. Trousers or breeches and leggins may be worn with either jacket or coat. The leg- gins may be of whipcord, pig-skin, or box-cloth. A brown square hat should be worn with a jacket, while with a coat a square hat or a coach- ing hat is " correct." A white plastron tie, and tan gloves, black or tan shoes, a short top-coat of covert cloth, complete the outfit. In the country undress liveries at all times are in the best taste, though at very fashionable re- sorts they are in place only in the morning, about the stable when the men are exercising horses or with sporting vehicles. The color once chosen for " dress liveries " is usually adhered to always. 3 2 497 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS The proper livery for mourning is a black cloth coat with buttons of the same, white breeches and boots, their tops covered with plain black Mourning , liveries c ^ ot ") or trousers matching the coat, a high band upon the hat, white plastron, and black gloves. For some reason the conventions impose a special livery to be worn with horseless carriages. It consists of a single-breasted square- Automo- . , bile livery cornered sacque coat of blue, brown, green cloth, or whipcord, the edges piped, with flap pockets, standing or box collar, trousers to match coat, piped, a cap of same goods with drooping visor, and heavy gloves. The knowledge of what is " the correct thing" is no less valuable as a standard of elegance than as a restraint against over-sumptuousness and vulgarity. Not many miles from New York is a quiet ham- let, surrounded by fine country-seats. One family whose wealth is of recent acquisition drives each morning to the village post-office, where the groom inquires for letters, and presents them at the carriage door with much flourish upon a massive silver salver ! Vaulting ambition some- times o'erleaps itself. 498 Chapter Thirty-sixthu.wv$> ON FOREIGN ETIQUETTE ENGLAND )INCE the Atlantic Ocean has be- come a ferry, the intercourse has become so neighborly between the peoples of either shore, family con- nection and social interchange so common, that it no longer suffices to be famil- iar with the manners and conventions of our own land, but we must become cosmopolitan, citi- zens of the world. A dictionary definition of a cosmopolite is " one at home everywhere," implying an easy and un- conscious conformity to the usages of the society in which one finds one's self. In times past our ignorance was winked at, but now, when at Rome, our behavior is expected to be of the strictest Roman type, and in nothing are people more intolerant than in matters of social behavior. The fine instinct of modest independence that bars at once the arrogant and the servile from a man's intercourse with his fellows, that imposes reticence of manner and lowered tones of voice in public places, the absence of the " I 'm-as-good- you-are " spirit, and the silence of that brazen in- 499 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS strument known as one's own trumpet will com- mend the traveller everywhere to people's good graces. It is only those, too, who are not quite sure of their social standing at home who are afraid to compromise their dignity by being civil to every one in travelling. Every country has its own etiquette, and to know what is expected of one under given cir- cumstances places one at an immense advantage. In England, as elsewhere, customs differ essen- tially of course, according to class and style of liv- ing, so that general statements are impossible, but there are many little matters which are not with- out importance to visitors to the " little Mother Isle." English hospitality is proverbial, but it is a hospitality that the stranger must get used to as best he can, before feeling quite at English eas6i The Englishman claims for him- hospitahty self a certain superiority as representing a nation possessed of infallible standards, so that with his compatriots you feel like an outsider until your measure has been taken. They do not mean to be stiff and formal, but they are "gauche" and it takes them an appreciable time to thaw. The ice once broken, however, all the delightful things that one has heard of these cousins five thousand miles " removed " are found to be true, after one has passed one's examination and been accepted. 500 HINTS ON FOREIGN ETIQUETTE The ten weeks, beginning early in May with the first Drawing-room, and ending with Henley week in late July, are known to fame as the London season. All London takes tea at five o'clock. If you call at or after that hour, the servant takes your card and proceeds at once upstairs to the drawing-room, all English draw- Vlsltm S etiquette ing-rooms are on the second floor, - and the visitor follows. To know this saves you a moment of doubt as to how you are to find the reception-room, since the servant assumes that you know that you are to follow him. If the hostess is in the drawing-room, he reads your card and announces your name, though your visit be most informal. Her presence in the room means that she receives whoever comes. If she is not in the drawing-room, you are ushered in and the servant retires to report your arrival. You are never placed in the awkward position of being told that " Madam begs to be excused." If upon your arrival other guests are present, you are not generally introduced. The announce- ment of your name is considered sufficient, and you talk with friends and strangers alike. At the five o'clock tea there is good-fellowship, geniality, and warmth. The tea-service is brought in on a tray, and placed on a table near the lady of the house. The tea-table is , , 1V ' o clock tea never ready-laid in the drawing-room, as is often seen in America. Their tea-tables have ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS sliding shelves underneath for the bread, cakes, hot toast, muffins, or scones. Or, these are served on little circular light wood stands of three or four shelves, just large enough for a plate, which are passed around, that each may take what he likes. Acquaintance once established after the pre- liminaries of an exchange of calls, a dinner is the courtesy that good breeding imposes upon the residents. When one has accepted an invitation for a luncheon for the first time, the question arises in a woman's mind whether or not she At a will be expected to take off her hat. In luncheon France it would be discourteous not to do so. In England one is not expected to lay aside anything. One dresses for luncheon as for an afternoon tea. The entertainment is not con- fined to women, as with us. At dinners, wedding breakfasts, etc., the rules of precedence among titled persons are strictly ob- served, and guests are " sent in " in the precedence or< ^ er f their rank and social status. With this last, money has nothing to do. Occasionally an American woman is given precedence by courtesy because she has no defi- nite rank. When Americans are the entertainers, the matter of precedence often proves embarrass- ing. Guests are indulgent to our mistakes, but every pains should be taken to obviate the neces- sity of apology. 502 HINTS ON FOREIGN ETIQUETTE With the exception of the observance of prece- dence, English dinner customs are like our own. People go into the dining-room arm in arm, the lady of the house allotting etiquette partners. The host leads with the most distinguished lady, and the hostess follows last with the man of highest rank or oldest title. The servants stand in a line just outside the dining- room door as the people pass in, coming in after them. Ladies rise first from table, as with us, leaving the men to their cigars. They usually adjourn to a smoking-room, and join the ladies in the drawing-room a little later. It is bad form to be late for dinner; the usual hour is eight o'clock. In London every one dines in evening dress, for to the play or opera later on, only those so clad are admitted to the greater portion of the Dress house. Even at the public restaurants, after the play, ladies do not hesitate to appear in full dress. It is always regarded as in better taste to be too plain than too fine in dress, and conspicuous toi- lets on the street and diamonds by daylight are thought the height of vulgarity. Men with any pretension to gentility invariably wear evening clothes after six o'clock, and do not appear on any fashionable thoroughfare in the afternoon except in regulation dress, frock-coat and top-hat. Balls begin at eleven o'clock or later; but as people who attend many dances are supposed to choose the best for the last, a late arrival is re- 503 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS garded as a compliment. There are no dress- ing-room preliminaries, further than the removal of the wraps in the cloak-room. Your Ball-room i j u r ..i i_ name is asked by a footman at the bot- etiquette > torn of the staircase, and is passed from man to man, until some resemblance to it is announced at the drawing-room door, where your hostess stands to greet you. The host is often as hard to find as the proverbial needle in the hay. Reversing in the "valse," as it is there called, is not considered good form, perhaps on the princi- ple of "sour grapes" - but the rooms are usually so crowded (dances are popularly known as " crushes ") that it is difficult to do more than whirl around and around in one small spot. After the dance is over, a man must " arm " his partner back to her chaperon almost at once. It is not strictly good form to ask a young woman to dance more than twice, or for her to accept, and sitting out dances in the halls and passages is considered in very bad taste. From open windows and doors the warm, fresh air is admitted, and sweet-smelling spring flowers are used profusely for decorations. Many liveried servants stand about, eager to render any service that may be required. People leave the room singly, the women walk- ing alone, the men following. A man often accompanies a lady to the door of the cloak-room and sees her to her carriage. 504 HINTS ON FOREIGN ETIQUETTE Cards are left on the hostess the day after a ball. Men call exclusively upon mar- ried women and men. If they wish to and cajls see a young girl, they ask for the mother. They will see the daughter, doubtless, but in her mother's presence. The first drawing-room is the real " lever de rideau " on the season's play of Vanity Fair. When one desires a presentation to Royalty at a drawing-room, one must send his or her name, with that of the person who is to make Presenta the presentation, to the Lord Chamber- tion at a lain several days before the function. Drawing- The presenter of a lady must be a lady, room and of a man a man, who must themselves have been presented and who must be in attendance at the ceremonial. A lady's court costume must be made according to rule. The presentation gown is restricted to white, the material silk, satin, whatever one prefers, decolletee and with a court , our dress train which must lie three yards and a half on the floor, not an inch less. The petticoat, which is but an ordinary ball dress, is quite sepa- rate from this train, which falls from the shoulders or the waist. Happily, it is only down a few seconds during the actual ceremony; the rest of the time it is carried over the arm. The hair-dresser is engaged weeks in advance, and one must sometimes accept his services very 55 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS early in the morning, he is in such demand, though the function begins at three P. M. The coiffure is also regulated by rule. Three white ostrich feathers are so placed that they stand up erect on the head. Mrs. Langtry, who at her presentation arranged her feathers to suit her face instead of in the conventional manner, had to go back and rearrange them. A long tulle veil depends from the coiffure at the back, and a bouquet of white flowers com- pletes the costume. Young girls never wear dia- monds. Married women, after having been once presented, may be gowned in any color and rich material that they please, the bouquet matching in tint. Men wear the regulation court dress, unless entitled to wear some officer's uniform. It consists of a " swallow-tail " coat of claret- colored cloth or velvet, so dark as to appear almost black by gaslight, with standing collar, lace ruffles, and steel buttons. With these a white or velvet waistcoat, velvet knee breeches, or cloth trousers with gold-lace stripe. A small sword with chain guard and white scabbard is worn, and a black cocked hat is carried under the arm. These costumes are often hired for the occasion by strangers having no further need for them, but they are rarely satisfactory in fit and costly to buy. Americans intending to seek presentation have been known to join the militia of their State, or 506 f HINTS ON FOREIGN ETIQUETTE get a temporary appointment as extra aide-de- camp on a governor's staff, so as to acquire the right to wear an officer's uniform. Levees, not Drawing-rooms, are the places where men are usually presented. The drive to Buckingham Palace, where the Drawing-rooms are held, is very tedious. ' Going to a Ihe long line ot carriages moves very Drawing- slowly, and from one to three hours is room occupied en route. Some persons make a stop at the photographer's. The great bouquets oh the breasts of the men on the box tell the public the destination of the occupants of the carriage, and the people on the street stare frankly in at them and freely make remarks. Buckingham Palace admits of six carriages at a time being drawn up before it. One's wraps are left in the carriage in preference to the cloak- room. Those who have the " entree " wives of officials, ambassadors and great folk are saved the long waiting, enter at a private door, and are presented first. Up the broad staircase you go, at the head of which men stand to take one of the cards you are required to bring, upon which your name is engraved or legibly written. There are very few men. A Drawing-room is essentially a woman's function, but a bridegroom always accompanies his bride, for after her marriage a woman must be re-presented. 507 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS The crowd advances from room to room until the Presence Chamber is reached. The ladies . until then have carried their trains over The etiquette at their arms, but at the door of the room a Drawing- j n which Royalty is to be saluted, they are taken from them by pages or court- officials and spread out with great skill. At the threshold the debutante hands to the Lord Chamberlain or his representative a card bearing her own name and that of the lady pre- senting her, which are loudly announced. The supreme moment has arrived ! Each lady ad- vances in turn and when just before her Majesty, 1 she courtesies very low, so low as almost to kneel before the Queen. One recalls the ancient identi- fication of deity and monarch, but one may well bow in spirit before the noble woman who has set her subjects and the world the example of true wife- hood, motherhood, and widowhood, while filling the office of queen acceptably to countless millions. At the present writing it looks as though the heavenly crown would soon replace the earthly one. If the lady presented be a peeress or a peer's daughter, the Queen kisses her on the forehead ; to others she extends her hand. They place their own beneath it, palm downward, and kiss what was 1 Between the writing and the publication of this paragraph, Edward VII. has ascended the English throne. Since no presentations at Court have yet been made to the new sovereign, no rules have been formulated for any change in ceremonial etiquette. 508 HINTS ON FOREIGN ETIQUETTE once considered the prettiest hand in Europe ; then, rising, they make another courtesy to each member of the Royal family present, and pass on, keeping their faces to the Queen, backing out to the door. Their trains are dexterously picked up by some official and thrown over the ladies' arms. I am told that when a King is on the throne, he salutes the cheek of such ladies as are entitled to the honor. Otherwise there would be little vari- ation in the etiquette of a nation so conservative, so reverent of time-honored customs. It is said that the Queen's pages are the sons of noblemen, who are given a holiday from school in order to attend the Drawing-room. Mayfair, Belgravia, Kensington, and South Ken- sington give " Drawing-Room Teas," After the and one drives from house to house Drawing- to see and to be seen. Henceforth the room young woman who has been presented is eligible for Court balls and other great functions. As before stated, gentlemen are presented at levees, which have been held by the Prince of Wales at St. James's Palace in behalf of the Queen. The word " levee," an English corruption of " lever," applied originally to the rising of a king in the morning, at which time certain courtiers and privileged folk attended him to pay their re- spects and perhaps prefer a request, while his toilet was being made. This eventually developed into a court ceremonial which preserved some of the 509 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS informality of its inception. Levees are attended by men only. The presentation is a simple one. The name is read aloud, and the person presented walks slowly past the place where the Prince stands, in full uniform, glittering with " orders " and surrounded by his court. He merely bows to the Prince, who returns the bow, and so walks on and out. The Court balls are given at Buckingham Palace. There is no dancing until after the arrival of the Royalties, after which the Prince Court balls , . , , . . dances with whom he pleases, sending an equerry to inform the lady of his wish. She accepts of course. All other engagements give way. The procession to supper is a formal one. The Prince and Princess lead the way. When the Queen was present, she walked ahead, quite alone. At the Court balls, or at any ball where the Royalties are the hosts or lend their presence, men wear the " Windsor uniform," a sort of com- promise between court dress and the usual evening clothes. It is of very dark blue cloth, with collar, lapels, and cuffs of scarlet cloth, with plain brass buttons ; but many, if not most, men have the red collar, cuffs, and lapels added to their ordinary evening coats. Visiting at Invitations to country houses specify a country a definite time, generally from three house. davs to a wee k. Upon arrival you are welcomed by the hostess, and then shown to your room by a maid, who, if 510 HINTS ON FOREIGN ETIQUETTE you are a woman and have not brought your own maid, will unpack your " box " and do any little services required. To know the usual routine places one more at ease. At eight or eight-thirty A. M. , one is called by a servant, who places a cup of tea and slice of thin bread and butter at your bedside, draws the window-curtains, prepares your bath, notifying you when it is ready. A daily tubbing is the universal custom. The valet takes away a man's evening clothes to be brushed. The gong rings for pray- ers half an hour later. Visitors attend or not, as they please. From nine to ten breakfast punctuality is not expected. No one waits for you. You may not find your hostess, but some member of the family is usually present. Things are kept hot on chafing-dishes at side tables. People wait upon themselves and each other, frequently getting up and leaving their seats to do so. This is to do away with the foot- men (servants), as all private plans for the day are usually arranged at breakfast, and personal matters are talked over informally. A servant is within call. In winter the men who hunt come to breakfast in " pink," and ladies in their habits, if the " meet " is far distant. After breakfast guests are left pretty much to themselves, though one of the family is generally ready with help or suggestion for entertainment. ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS From one to two luncheon is served, an in- formal meal, Attendance is irregular. Water in carafes with glasses may be on the table, but is never served unless asked for. Aerated waters, ale, or wines replace it. After luncheon your hosts devote themselves to you. Some play golf or tennis, others drive or ride. It is always permissible to take a friend to any festivity except a dinner. At five, afternoon tea is served in the drawing- room or library, where people loiter for conversa- tion, music, or reading, until the dressing-gong sounds. A man finds his evening clothes laid ready for him in his room. If the maid knows which gown a lady wishes to wear, it is placed at hand. Women always wear low-cut gowns, and men evening clothes, unless they are the only visitors at a very quiet house, when demi-toilette a gown cut partly low is permissible, and men wear black ties and dinner jackets, if they please. At seven-thirty, eight, or eight-thirty, the gong sounds for dinner. The butler announces it. Peo- ple go in arm in arm, and the same formality is ob- served in all things as at an elaborate dinner-party. After dinner, unless the guests are taken to some entertainment, they pass the evening, with music, games, and conversation, as with us. At about half after ten or eleven, ladies go to bed they do not " retire " in England the men light- ing their hand candles for them, a row of which 512 HINTS ON FOREIGN ETIQUETTE stands on a table in the hall. Such men as choose go to bed also. The majority, with the master of the house, adjourn to the billiard or smoking room, and chat as late as they please. The tipping of servants in private houses is an accepted rule, and makes a guest feel free to ask little services. The amount expected Tipping depends upon the style of the establish- the ment and the length of one's visit. In servant s the house of a gentleman of fair means the rate would be from two to three shillings per day for the maid, valet, and footman who has given one personal service, the only servants that it is nec- essary to fee. A week's stay would entitle them to a sovereign. If you tip the housemaid who has cared for your room, you would give her from five to ten shillings, to the butler not less than a sov- ereign, and if you go shooting, the gamekeeper expects a like amount. If a trap meets you at the station and fetches you there when going away, you would tip the coachman half a sovereign. If a friend lends you a carriage for any purpose, you must tip the coachman and groom, if there be one, half a crown apiece, at least. When strangers are put up at the London clubs, they may be treated with every civility and cour- tesy, but they are never allowed to forget that they are strangers. The line between them and its members is very definitely drawn. There is a special dining-room and smoking-room for the use of guests, which in itself gives one a feel- 33 5i3 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS ing of being kept at arm's length, but one's self-love is soothed by the knowledge that all fare alike. No physician is spoken to as " Doc- Points of ,, : . . . , . etiquette tor ' wltnout nis name being mentioned, nor does one speak of going to a doctor's office, but to his house. A clergyman is never spoken of as " The Rev. Mr. Jones," but referred to as " Rev. John Jones," and in speaking addressed simply as " Mr. Jones." Bishops are addressed as " My Lord," or " Your Lordship," or " Bishop " among intimates. Their wives have no title. In private life judges assume their individual titles only. They are never called " Judge So and So," but spoken of formally as " Mr. Justice So and So," if not knighted. In England no officer below the grade of Captain is permitted to use his military title outside of army life. It is laid aside with his uniform. In writing to tradesmen one says " Mr. Smith," but to an equal one writes " John Smith, Esq." In driving, the law of the road is to keep to the left in passing others who are coming toward one, but if the vehicle is going the same way, one passes it, turning to the right. Hats are always removed in the presence of Royalty, even when they drive past in the street or walk about at an exhibition. Young Americans must be wary in their atten- tions to the fair daughters of Albion. They will have their intentions asked in short order if they go beyond the most conventional courtesies. SH HINTS ON FOREIGN ETIQUETTE A young English girl visiting America said, " The men in your country are so generous. In England, if a man but give you a postage-stamp he feels himself committed to serious intentions ! " Hawthorne says that any dislike between the two nations is collective, not individual ; generic, not personal. When they meet they English usually like each other. They are and intolerant of peculiarities unlike their Amenc a n own, and their prejudice is founded often upon very slight ground. For instance, their taste is offended at our " messy " way of eating eggs from a glass. They object to our " guessing," and their ears are sensitive to misplaced nasal sounds and independent modes of pronunciation. We have a perfect right to make a language of our own, but if we do not cling closely to the mother- tongue, as spoken by the educated classes in Eng- land, ours will be thought a " patois," by the rest of the world. In the main the " entente " is a cordial one, and when occasion arises, the proof is rarely lacking that we know ourselves to be " blood-relations." Chapter TAirty-seventAmNTS ON FOREIGN ETIQUETTE (CONTINUED) FRANCE AND GERMANY fOWHERE is politeness magnified into so supreme a virtue and cour- tesy of manner a passport to such universal favor as in France. It has been said that there " one may buy anything with a smile." It would be more correct to say that nothing is bought without a smile, for in the shops a request for anything is always prefaced by a bow and pleas- ant " good-day " to the salesman, and " please " is never omitted. If not suited, the fact is stated almost as an apology, and the salesman, expressing regret, usually accompanies one to the door, where both bow and exchange a smiling " good-day." If you dine at table d'h6te, as you take your seat, you include your neighbor and vis-a-vis in a comprehensive bow, exchange a few polite phrases during the meal, and again bow in taking leave. In entering a restaurant one conforms to custom in bowing to the " dame du comptoir," who re- turns the salutation, and in going out there is the same exchange of civilities. 516 HINTS ON FOREIGN ETIQUETTE On the street or elsewhere, a lady never bows first, but waits the gentleman's recognition. The deference, so profound, so thorough, of a Frenchman's bow, is unique among etiquette salutations. A gentleman in France bows respectfully to every woman whom he may pass on a staircase, which courtesy the lady in- variably acknowledges by a gracious inclination of the head. It is one of the first rules of French etiquette that a lady shall dress very quietly for the street. American women in Paris often deprive them- selves of much liberty and pleasure by an exagger- ated idea of the dangers of the place. If one be simply dressed, and careful to avoid any appearance of seeking attention, one is quite safe, unless exceptionally young and attractive. Two ladies with their maid may go to the theatre without male escort. In driving, much formality is observed. The right-hand seat, facing the horses, is the place of honor. If a married woman has for companion a young girl, the elder lady sits on the right. New-comers to a place leave their cards upon the residents, who call at their earliest con- venience. The strangers are made to feel that their coming has brought pleasure. Every departing visitor is accompanied, if it be a woman, to the drawing-room door by the lady of the house and to the outer door by the master or his son. If it be a man, the hostess ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS does not pursue him, but her husband does. No one is transferred to the care of servants, or aban- doned to his own resources to find his way out. In France they love to drop in often upon one another on the same day of the week, when they meet the same people, who have not been parted long enough to lose interest in one another. In society all persons meeting at the same house are supposed to know each other. Any man may ask any girl to dance or speak to any- body at a private ball, but he does not talk to her, beyond a mere conventional remark or two, en route to the chaperon's side, where he promptly leaves her with a profound bow. There is no further recognition between them. The names of the guests are loudly announced at the door, not to the hostess, as with us, but for the general benefit. This serves as an introduc- tion to all the company. Of course people are presented to one another by the host or hostess, especially at dinners, but no one feels the necessity. Frenchmen employ the most respectful shades of language in addressing a lady whom they meet thus on a footing of recog- nized equality. At a dinner the hostess is the first to leave the drawing-room, and heads the procession to the table with her " cavalier." In French Dinner . etiquette e yes she is on her own ground, and leads the way as one who offers hospi- tality to her guests. Her husband comes last, 518 HINTS ON FOREIGN ETIQUETTE because, as host, it is his duty to yield precedence to every one whom he receives. After dinner all return to the salon, arm in arm, in the same order. In most houses the excuse of smoking does not divide the guests. Cigars and cigarettes are lighted in the drawing-room. Many Frenchwomen think that they show wisdom in suppressing any objection to tobacco, a concession that authorizes no lib- erty. No Frenchman will dream of showing less deference to the women about him because per- mitted to smoke in their presence. Conversation is practised as an art, where epi- gram, repartee, and witty " mots " are constantly exhibited. There is never a lack of vivacity, and all appear to attach much importance to one an- other's opinions. Habitual speech is flowery and flattering. Every Frenchman aspires to be " un homme galant," and pleasing to the other sex. It is a pose that has grown to be second nature. It is " etiquette " in France to make conversation general at table. One talks to one's opposite neigh- bors rather than to the persons at one's side. They think te~te-a-tete conversations all about a table to be in questionable taste, and not at all condu- cive to gayety and sociability. Flirtation, however, has always the most exag- gerated construction put upon it. To the French, it conveys the idea of a direct pursuit of admiration or of love, and the calculated use of all the arts which may seem to serve that object. ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS As every Frenchwoman is at heart a coquette, all grace and affability to everything calling itself a man, the distinction between flirtation and co- quetry seems to us to be without a difference. They think the former aggressive, the latter to be attractively on the defensive, " reculer, pour mieux sauter." It is well for foreigners to under- stand these views. There is often an element that is impersonal in the coquetry of a French gen- tlewoman, however. She seems anxious not to draw homage to herself so much as to secure victory in winning men away from other allure- ments less innocent. The organization of balls and receptions is nat- urally the same in France as in other European An accep- countries. The form of invitation is the tance of an same, but answers to them are some- invitation what differently worded. The formula for a dinner acceptance is, " M. Smith thanks Monsieur and Madame de Courcelles for their gracious invitation, and will have the pleasure of," etc. Smith, in speaking of himself, abbreviates the word " Monsieur" to the letter " M.," while in mentioning his friends he writes " Monsieur" and "Madame" at full length. This distinction is invariably employed by men. Women describe themselves as " Madame " without abbreviation. French society is in marked contrast In French . . _ society to our own m ***** a e > an< ^ even infirm- ity, seems to be no disqualification for its pleasures. 520 HINTS ON FOREIGN ETIQUETTE One frequently sees men leading the cotillions who might easily be grandparents. Want of politeness is heresy. It is assumed that all are young, handsome, healthy, and happy. A sick man is never told that he looks badly, though he be at death's door. The French system has great merits. It stimu- lates grace of language, it educates courtesy, and it is believed that the outward form in great meas- ure compels the inward feeling. The children are well-mannered, seldom rude or boisterous, and a boy of ten knows that if his father stops to speak to a lady in the street, his own duty is to stand bareheaded un- J children til she tells him to resume his hat, and he knows that it is discourteous to shake hands with any one, man or woman, without uncovering. The announcements of deaths and marriages are made through circulars sent to all acquaintances. Most people go to the weddings. Ev- The erybody goes to the funerals, nothing announce- is allowed to prevent the sacred duty of mer ^ of offering the last tribute of respect and sympathy. People dress in black, as far as their wardrobe will allow. Every man uncovers his head when a funeral cortege passes in the street, and everybody is supposed to offer a word of prayer for the departed. There is a proverb that says, " It is a poor religion that cannot travel." That of Americans in France so often distinguishes principle from 521 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS practice, that it is not greatly to be wondered at that the frivolous Gaul should sometimes make privately, of course, out of courtesy invidious comparisons between it and the one he himself professes. In Germany, where coronets and quarterings are counted as cardinal virtues, where no one without a title can go to court, there exists, of course, class distinction, but there is no snobbishness. Gentlefolk are welcomed for what they are, not for what they have. Very unpleasant, however,according to our ideas, is the rule that strangers must make the first ad- Vi itin vances. Upon arriving at a place where etiquette you expect to make a stay of some for length, armed with a few introductions, strangers y QU ^ r j ve f rom door to door, leaving cards, and it is well within the conventions to leave them as well upon the friends of your friends. The courtesy will be returned, and in many cases An invita- a servant will call to deliver his master's tion for message, requesting the honor of your dinner company at dinner on a specified day, at three, four, or five o'clock, as the case may be. When you arrive, if you are a woman, you will request your hostess to present you to all the ladies present, which she will do, beginning the tour with the most distinguished personages first, and then proceeding according to the nicest gra- dation of etiquette. You courtesy to each, and 522 HINTS ON FOREIGN ETIQUETTE the husbands of these ladies are then brought be- fore you for presentation. An Englishwoman thus describes such a scene : " The courtesyings, obei- sances, compliments, at once embarrass, annoy, and amuse you. Your knees resent the genuflections, you feel ridiculous, and conscious that the bobbing, sliding, gliding, and grimacing ladies are criticising your rustic air and lack of grace, yet you swear to yourself by all your gods that no inch lower than is consistent with your personal dignity will you sink before your fellow creatures ! " When the ladies leave the dining-room, the gentlemen naturally rise to let them pass. It is a pretty German custom for each lady to courtesy to the man who sat next her. Theatres and operas begin early, and seats come within the bounds of the most restricted purses. Women go about alone, and can enjoy ^ J * Operas and an independent and free life with profit theatres and pleasure. When making a call, be careful not to seat your- self upon the sofa, " lest one more honorable than thou be bidden." That article of fur- ... Calling niture the approach to which is usu- ally barred by a table, hedged in from intruders is the seat of greatest distinction, and one usually waits the invitation of one's hostess before seating one's self thereon. A well-bred girl would never occupy a sofa in the presence of her elders. A gentleman sits always at the lady's left hand. This avoids any marring or entanglement of her 523 ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS gown with his sword. The sword seems, by cour- tesy, to be considered as always present. The whole manner of the men suggests the soldier. A coffee party, or Kaffee Klatch, is par excel- lence a German feminine entertainment. Guests are invited to come about four o'clock, and it A coffee . ,11 , party is understood that they are to bring their work and " make an afternoon of it." Fin- gers are never idle. To sit with folded hands is re- garded in Germany as a culpable waste of time. Long practice has enabled the women to talk with even greater volubility when their fingers are mov- ing in unison with their tongues. Strong coffee, chocolate flavored with vanilla and beaten up eggs and cream, with every conceivable kind of cake, is served, and it would not be Germany if there was not a little music. All presentations to foreign courts are made through the national representative, and the in- formation in regard to the various formalities re- quired is obtained from them. To foreigners the custom of wives sharing their husbands' official titles seems most curious. If you Correct would not give offence, you must teach manner of your tongue to say, " Good-morning, address Mrs p r j V y.Councilloress," " Thank you, Mrs. Over-Police-Directoress." All the younger sons benr the family title by courtesy. At table-d'h6te one sees marvellous feats of knife-jugglery, and is tempted to wish piously that the perpetrators may cut themselves, but the 524 HINTS ON FOREIGN ETIQUETTE Germans always bow to their neighbors on seat- ing themselves or leaving the table, where English and Americans ignore manners them in solemn silence. We cannot sit long in the seat of the scornful, however much we may criticise certain traits ; their manners are so simple, kindly, and sincere, that they win our confidence and make our heart warm within us. 525 INDEX ACCENT, 360 Acceptance, a novel, 53 Acquaintances, unwelcome, 14, 81 Adaptability, 102 Address, 65, 67 Addressing persons of title, 390 Aim, the social, 83 Amusements, 309 Anglomania, 101 Anniversaries, 457-462 Apology, 374 Arcadian simplicity, 82 " At home," 49 Awkwardness, 24 BAKER, the, 381 Ball begins, the, 169 Balls, 166-191 "assembly," 167 costume, 189 subscription, 184 Bathing-suits, men's, 344 Bed, going to, 284 Behavior, 57 Best man, duties of, 255 Bicycling, 357 Birthday fe~te, 435 Boating, 357 Bow, etiquette of a, 28 Bowing convention, 30 Breakfast, 136 economical, 137 menu, 137 wedding, 231, 250 Breeding, good, 418 Butcher, the, 381 CAKE, the wedding, 231 Calling, etiquette of, 82 proper courtesies in, 97 time for, 94 Calling courtesies, 98 Calls, afternoon, 97 evening, 94 first, 91 first returning, 92, 96 morning, 90 of married men, 93 upon men, women's, 92 Cards, courtesy at, 272 leaving, 78 married women's, 72 men's, 73 mourning, 73 name, 151 sending, 77 visiting, 68, 79 women's, 71 Ceremony, church, 240-246 Chafing-dish, 140 Chaperon, a girl's attention to her, 202 the duties of a, 194 the need of a, 193 the proper, 195 the value of a, 194 treatment of a, 197 Chaperons, 176-211 " Charming," 427 Children at table, 430 etiquette for, 425 in presence of visitors, 426 "showing off," 428 "teasing," 429 Children's playfellows, 432 Christian name, 354 Christenings, 449-456 church, 449 house, 451 refreshments at, 453 Clothes, care of, 347 Coaching, 407 Compliments, 368 Condolence, calls of, 90 527 INDEX Condolence, notes of, 384 answers to notes of, 385 Congratulations, 206 Conversation, at dinner, 366 charm in, 361 simplicity in, 361 subjects of, 362 test words and phrases in, 369 Correspondence, social, 375-393 Cotillion, the, 178 etiquette of, 180 favors at, 182 leader of, 1 79 Courtesy and good manners in the home, 414-424 Crest, the, 376 DANCES, 166-191 barn, 190 between the, 174 dinner, 188 house, 186 informal costume, 190 Dancing classes, 121, iSg Daughters, 327 " Days at home," 42 Debutante, introducing a, 115-125 new duties of a, 120 Decorations, dinner, 150 wedding, 232 Departure of bride and groom, 248 Deportment, carriage, 406 men's, 337-358 Dessert, 369, 370 Dinners, 143-165 bridegroom's bachelor, 215 bridesmaids', 215 choosing the guests for, 144 final preparations for, 158 hour for, 145 little, 163 menu of, 151 stag, 164 Dress, men's, 337-358 afternoon, 340 bathing suits, 344 cycling, 344 driving, 346 Dress, men's, evening, 340 golf, 345 informal evening, 342 morning, 338 "ding, 345 sporting, 344 travelling, 346 yachting, 344 Dress, women's, 318-336 at funerals, 336 at home, 327 ball, 324 bride's mourning, 335 children's mourning, 335 church, 322 coaching, 328 dancing, 324 dinner, 326 driving, 328 full, 324 golf, 33 luncheon, 323 mourning, 333 opera, 325 reception, 322 riding, 322 servants', 490-498 sporting, 328 steamer, 331 stormy weather, 331 street (afternoon), 321 street (morning), 320 suggestions for economy in, 332 summer, 331 theatre, 325 travelling, 331 visiting, 322 wheel, 331 ECONOMY, suggestions for, 332 Engagements, honor in keeping, 56 in colonial days, 210 long and short, 208 Entertainment, children's, 433 out-of-door, 307-317 Enunciation, 360 Epitaph, 468 Etiquette, ball-room, 167 S 28 INDEX Etiquette, bachelor's, 76 children's, 425-437 cotillion, i So dinner-table, 395 foreign (England), 499-515 foreign (France and Germany), 516-525 sporting, 405-413 table, 161 theatre and opera, 260 Evasion, an, 53 Exaggeration, 364 Excuses, discourteous, 88 Expenses, wedding, 213, 223 FAMILY table, the, 438-448 Fashion, freaks of, 69 Favors, ball, 182 Fianc6 and fiance'e, 209 Flattery, 374 Flowers, 148 and favors, 130 Forwardness, 427 Funerals, 463-469 GAME, 397 Gentleman, what constitutes a, 337 Gifts, christening, 456 engagement, 211 Girl, a well-bred, 124 " Good form," 416 manners and good form, i-io "Gourmet," the, 140 Grooms, the, 487 Guest, arrival of, 159, 279, 309 departing, 86 duties of a, 294-306 entertaining a, 285 ideal, 301 meeting, 281 seating a, 160 well-bred, 301 HANDS, shaking, 32 Hats, 333 ceremony cf, 27 " Hobby," riding one's, 363 34 529 " Home truths," 419 Honor, a point of, 352 Honors, bridal, 257 Hostess, assistants of, 118 pleasant, 286 privilege of, 12 young girl as, 121 Hosts, bachelors as, 265 House, at the bride's, 238 Husbands, 419 INTRODUCTIONS, 11-23 at balls and dances, 13, 169 at house parties, 14 attention imposed by letters of, 22 courtesies at, 19 letters of, 20 requesting, 17 written, 21 Invitations and announcements, 35- 57 correct wording of, 59 Inviting one's self, 56 KISSING, 33 LADY friend, 371 Language, cosmopolitan, 360 Leave-taking, 98, 162, 182, 289, 302, 34> 39 Letters, between men and women, 386 "bread and butter," 305 business, 382 how to write, 377, 386 to children, 388 Lights, the, 149 Listeners, good, 369 Luncheon, 126-142 artistic, 134 informal, 129 menu of, 131 "poverty," 134 service for a, 127 serving the, 132 table decorations and wines at a, 129 INDEX MAID, lady's, 483 Mannerisms, 374 Manners, in public, 403 table, 394-402 Meals, announcing the, 288 Men, etiquette for, 96 inviting, 93 Menu, the, 131, 137, 155 Mistress, the, 474 Monogram and crest, 376 Mothers and daughters, 327 Mothers-in-law, 422 Music, at balls, 169 at dinner, 158 at weddings, 239 Musicals, afternoon, 267 evening, 268 NAME, Christian, 71, 379 middle, 379 Nicknames, 379 " Noblesse oblige," 428 " Not at home," 88 Notes of congratulations and thanks, 383 written in third person, 381 OBLIGATION, a pleasant, 122 the social, 84 Opera, at the, 259 Opera box, in an, 261 Orchestra stall, in the, 262 Orphan, where the bride is an, 63 PAGE, the, 486 Pallbearers, the, 467 Parents, asking consent of, 205 Parties, card, 267 garden, 47, 307 house, 274-293 opera and theatre, 263, 357 Picnics, 312 company at, 314 feast at, 314 Postal cards, 376 Precedent, fashionable, 60 Presentations at dinners and recep- tions, 12 Presentations, chance, 17 formulae of, 18 Problem, the parental, 123 Programme, the fashionable, 123 Provincialism, 354 RAINY days, 288 Reception, 36, 42 Recreation, 358 Refreshments, 310 Regrets, 54 Rehearsal, the wedding, 234 Ring, the, 207 Rooms, the guest, 278, 298 SALUTATIONS, 24-34 "Sandwiched," 349 Servants, 146 attention to, 284 duties of, 287 engaging, 472 good, 471 tipping, 302 Service, correct, 441 Set, the fashionable, 75 Shyness, 427 Sick, calling on the, 91 "Sick," 370 Simplicity, 233 g, 354 Smoking, 349 Snares and drawbacks, 113 Snobs and their ilk, 16 Social problem, a solution of the 109 Suggestions, final, 372 general, 99 " Supper-tray," 140 Suppers, 138-142 Surnames, 379 TABLE, laying the, 147 lighting the, 130 serving the, 152 " Talking shop," 363 Teas, afternoon, 101, 355 assistants at, 103 53 INDEX Teas, guests at, 104 how to make, no less formal, 106 music at, 105 serving, 89 special, 108 " Thank you," 401 Theatricals, 269 Training, parental, 429 Trousseau, the, 229 VALET, the, 486 Visiting, 95 Visitors, 291 WEDDING, day of the, 236-258 Weddings, preparation for, 212-235 Widow, remarriage of a, 63 Widow-bride, dress of a, 220 Wife, the, 419 Wit, 365 531 *<" University of California SOUTHERN REGIONAL LIBRARY FACILITY Return this material to the library from which it was borrowed. 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